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Friday, March 30, 2007
No progress with country boy
andrea, 39, from central west jersey asks:
First I have to admit how much I enjoy reading your responses, your wit is entertaining. I, on the other hand, have made no progress with my country boy. I previously commented on how my country boy has no game, well, as it turns out, I also have no game whatsoever. He still comes over every time I ask him, yes I still send him home w/left overs (it's a Spanish thing) but I have at least incorporated major cleavage, smelling good, biting the lip and low lighting into my routine, I'm working on the sitting close to him part. I'm trying to set his pants on fire but it has proven to be easier said than done. We talk a lot and he is really open about himself. He admits he's insecure, a people pleaser and has no confidence-as I write I think, what am I doing? But like I've said before, he's really funny and that has me acting really stupid. We talk a lot in general terms about being single people and what we're into, but I can't get a read on if he even considers me an option. Sometimes I think he wants a relationship but then he'll say he wants to get laid without the hassle of a relationship but then he says he doesn't just want to get laid but to have someone with him. And because we work together I am moving at a snails pace already. Unlike him, I'm not as open about my insecurities and come off as pretty confident and secure. He's a sensitive guy and he said that I'm a sensitive person but that I'm two extremes, "don't hurt Andrea's feeling because she will rip your face off!" he was joking but was definitely right on. We laughed about it, wish I could say that's the first time I've heard that one. His childhood has a lot to do with why he is how he is, he had a bad divorce (15 years ago) and most of his women have cheated on him, so he definitely has some negative feelings towards women. I really try to keep your advise in mind, like making sure he feels good around me. I encourage him that he is good looking, has a house, a job, a relationship with his kids, etc. And he does act differently around me, like caring how he looks and just trying to step it up in subtle ways. I don't know if either one of us knows what we want, I do want to make a move but I do hold back, I don't know if the work thing is something he worries about or maybe he's just not into me besides hanging out at my house. He doesn't have a major social life as I do, so is he coming over because he doesn't have anything else going on? I tend to think that if he wasn't interested he wouldn't come over at all, why bother? Like you've said, he has a TV and food at his house. I realize I have baggage too, but I really do like this guy. Even if nothing happens romantically, he and I will definitely be friends, his humor has me hooked. As a woman, I think if I made a move on him, he would probably blow his load right there, but I may freak him out. Help, this is the 3rd time I am writing to you and maybe if it hasn't happened yet it isn't meant to be. I appreciate your input.
VictorM's advice:
You are Spanish (or Hispanic), you're trying to set his pants on fire and this guy can resist you? Does he have a pulse!? Is he, a robot? Damn, I don't understand how he manages. :)
But Andrea, I totally understand why he's acting as he does. For a moment, forget about what you want. From his point of you, really, why should things change between you two? He has your company when he feels like it, he gets yummy leftovers to boot (what, arroz con pollo? My mouth is watering just thinking about it). You're comfortable to be with and he feels safe with you. So why change? For sex? Sure, that would be nice, but as he said, that carries a price he doesn't seem willing to pay (namely a relationship and commitment). He's been wounded several times, so I don't blame him for being defensive. He was married for a long time; getting over it is not easy.
It boils down to you either accepting this snail's pace, understanding that nothing may ever happen, or you make a move and either he blows his load and wants more of you, or he stops coming around. No matter what the consequences, at least you would get a resolution. It's not an easy choice, is it? But the status quo isn't getting you anywhere.
Something else I would like you to consider. If he was married for 15 years and had women who have cheated on him, he may feel very inadequate sexually. This may be the main reason he doesn't want to take that step, and so everything else is just an excuse. As long as you're just friends he enjoys your company but doesn't have to face his sexual shortcomings. This is not that far fetched a possibility considering his experiences with women, his age, and I wouldn't be surprised if you come across as sexually intimidating to him, which scares him even more. I don't know if this was ever a topic of conversation between you two, but it's a topic worth pursuing. The bottom line is that in this day and age of Viagra, this need not be a problem. You should at least to remove this from the list of possible problems.
PS. Thanks for your kind words.
First I have to admit how much I enjoy reading your responses, your wit is entertaining. I, on the other hand, have made no progress with my country boy. I previously commented on how my country boy has no game, well, as it turns out, I also have no game whatsoever. He still comes over every time I ask him, yes I still send him home w/left overs (it's a Spanish thing) but I have at least incorporated major cleavage, smelling good, biting the lip and low lighting into my routine, I'm working on the sitting close to him part. I'm trying to set his pants on fire but it has proven to be easier said than done. We talk a lot and he is really open about himself. He admits he's insecure, a people pleaser and has no confidence-as I write I think, what am I doing? But like I've said before, he's really funny and that has me acting really stupid. We talk a lot in general terms about being single people and what we're into, but I can't get a read on if he even considers me an option. Sometimes I think he wants a relationship but then he'll say he wants to get laid without the hassle of a relationship but then he says he doesn't just want to get laid but to have someone with him. And because we work together I am moving at a snails pace already. Unlike him, I'm not as open about my insecurities and come off as pretty confident and secure. He's a sensitive guy and he said that I'm a sensitive person but that I'm two extremes, "don't hurt Andrea's feeling because she will rip your face off!" he was joking but was definitely right on. We laughed about it, wish I could say that's the first time I've heard that one. His childhood has a lot to do with why he is how he is, he had a bad divorce (15 years ago) and most of his women have cheated on him, so he definitely has some negative feelings towards women. I really try to keep your advise in mind, like making sure he feels good around me. I encourage him that he is good looking, has a house, a job, a relationship with his kids, etc. And he does act differently around me, like caring how he looks and just trying to step it up in subtle ways. I don't know if either one of us knows what we want, I do want to make a move but I do hold back, I don't know if the work thing is something he worries about or maybe he's just not into me besides hanging out at my house. He doesn't have a major social life as I do, so is he coming over because he doesn't have anything else going on? I tend to think that if he wasn't interested he wouldn't come over at all, why bother? Like you've said, he has a TV and food at his house. I realize I have baggage too, but I really do like this guy. Even if nothing happens romantically, he and I will definitely be friends, his humor has me hooked. As a woman, I think if I made a move on him, he would probably blow his load right there, but I may freak him out. Help, this is the 3rd time I am writing to you and maybe if it hasn't happened yet it isn't meant to be. I appreciate your input.
VictorM's advice:
You are Spanish (or Hispanic), you're trying to set his pants on fire and this guy can resist you? Does he have a pulse!? Is he, a robot? Damn, I don't understand how he manages. :)
But Andrea, I totally understand why he's acting as he does. For a moment, forget about what you want. From his point of you, really, why should things change between you two? He has your company when he feels like it, he gets yummy leftovers to boot (what, arroz con pollo? My mouth is watering just thinking about it). You're comfortable to be with and he feels safe with you. So why change? For sex? Sure, that would be nice, but as he said, that carries a price he doesn't seem willing to pay (namely a relationship and commitment). He's been wounded several times, so I don't blame him for being defensive. He was married for a long time; getting over it is not easy.
It boils down to you either accepting this snail's pace, understanding that nothing may ever happen, or you make a move and either he blows his load and wants more of you, or he stops coming around. No matter what the consequences, at least you would get a resolution. It's not an easy choice, is it? But the status quo isn't getting you anywhere.
Something else I would like you to consider. If he was married for 15 years and had women who have cheated on him, he may feel very inadequate sexually. This may be the main reason he doesn't want to take that step, and so everything else is just an excuse. As long as you're just friends he enjoys your company but doesn't have to face his sexual shortcomings. This is not that far fetched a possibility considering his experiences with women, his age, and I wouldn't be surprised if you come across as sexually intimidating to him, which scares him even more. I don't know if this was ever a topic of conversation between you two, but it's a topic worth pursuing. The bottom line is that in this day and age of Viagra, this need not be a problem. You should at least to remove this from the list of possible problems.
PS. Thanks for your kind words.
Labels: friends only, no commitment, people-pleaser
