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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Doesn't Want to get Hurt
kate, 26, from New Zealand asks:
A guy who I have been interested in for awhile has a reputation for being a bit of a player. He paid me attention on and off for 6 months but recently has been visiting me once or twice a week. During one of these visits he brought his best friend of 12 years with him and we all had dinner together and watched movies. He often stays the night and we fool around a bit but he said he wants to wait to sleep together. He said that he finds me very attractive. We have great conversation and laughs together. He has however never asked me out to places as yet and sometimes visits me at night after he has been out with his friends and their girlfriends. He said that he is a busy person and likes space to get things done. I'm not the type to crowd someone but am starting to have strong feelings for him and don't want to get hurt. What do you think his intentions are?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt become a nun. Face it, anytime you get entangled romantically, pain and disappointment are only a split second away.
His intentions are the same as most men: to get the most he can by giving as little as possible in return. If he can visit you when he feels like, fool around a little bit when he feels like, get a meal and watch a movie when he feels like, and have to make no commitment, assume no responsibility, and be free to come and go at will by simple saying he's busy, hey, millions and millions of men would sign up instantly for that gig. And oh, trust me, he wants sex, he's just being coy with you, but sex is a goal. He's got a good thing going, so if you let it, your current setup will go on for years.
You have to act on your own time table and what's best for you. Don't be afraid to say something that might scare him way -- the only guys that scare away are the ones that aren't that much into the relationship to begin with. Since you have reached a point of strong feelings for him, the sooner you find out about his feelings for you the better. If he responds in kind, great. But if he gives you excuses, like he's busy or other bullshit, it just means he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. In this case, whether you continue to entertain him is up to you, but be aware that's all you will be -- entertainment.
A guy who I have been interested in for awhile has a reputation for being a bit of a player. He paid me attention on and off for 6 months but recently has been visiting me once or twice a week. During one of these visits he brought his best friend of 12 years with him and we all had dinner together and watched movies. He often stays the night and we fool around a bit but he said he wants to wait to sleep together. He said that he finds me very attractive. We have great conversation and laughs together. He has however never asked me out to places as yet and sometimes visits me at night after he has been out with his friends and their girlfriends. He said that he is a busy person and likes space to get things done. I'm not the type to crowd someone but am starting to have strong feelings for him and don't want to get hurt. What do you think his intentions are?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt become a nun. Face it, anytime you get entangled romantically, pain and disappointment are only a split second away.
His intentions are the same as most men: to get the most he can by giving as little as possible in return. If he can visit you when he feels like, fool around a little bit when he feels like, get a meal and watch a movie when he feels like, and have to make no commitment, assume no responsibility, and be free to come and go at will by simple saying he's busy, hey, millions and millions of men would sign up instantly for that gig. And oh, trust me, he wants sex, he's just being coy with you, but sex is a goal. He's got a good thing going, so if you let it, your current setup will go on for years.
You have to act on your own time table and what's best for you. Don't be afraid to say something that might scare him way -- the only guys that scare away are the ones that aren't that much into the relationship to begin with. Since you have reached a point of strong feelings for him, the sooner you find out about his feelings for you the better. If he responds in kind, great. But if he gives you excuses, like he's busy or other bullshit, it just means he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. In this case, whether you continue to entertain him is up to you, but be aware that's all you will be -- entertainment.
Labels: commitment, pain, relationship, romance
Friday, December 15, 2006
How do you stop loving someone
lisarenee, 35, from los angeles asks:
How do you stop loving someone you love deeply but feel is really not into you ? I guess I am seeking an emotional painkiller of the natural kind. My emotions are taking too much out of me over this guy and I just want the pain to stop quickly and smoothly. Can one attain such a state of being quickly ? Please give this your best guy effort, you've been so helpful in the past! Thank you :(
VictorM's advice:
No, it doesn't happen quickly, but take consolation from knowing that good and decent people hurt the most; if you weren't the caring kind you wouldn't hurt.
I suggest you do three things.
One, change. Change your hairstyle, your clothes, the places you go to, the friends you have (if they were his friends too), remove all reminders of him (pictures, rings, ticket stubs, gifts he gave you, etc.), find new hobbies, listen to new music. In short, change!
Two, make a list of his most wonderful qualities, that which you most admired about him. Rank them. Assign numbers in order of most admired. The one at the top of the list, work on yourself to be more like that. For example, if you liked most that he was outgoing, do whatever it takes to be more outgoing (chances are you are not). You don't have to become like him, just enough of a change to make that attribute a less significant attraction. See a therapist if you have to. By changing yourself you change who you're attracted to.
Three, don't think there's anything wrong with you for feeling sad, hurt, depressed. You're entitled to those feelings. If you need to cry, cry! If you feel sad and want to have moments alone, do it. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Just don't become a prisoner of your feelings. Fight to reduce the number of times they overcome you. But those feelings are what makes you human. Accept your tough luck but also focus your energy on changing your luck.
How do you stop loving someone you love deeply but feel is really not into you ? I guess I am seeking an emotional painkiller of the natural kind. My emotions are taking too much out of me over this guy and I just want the pain to stop quickly and smoothly. Can one attain such a state of being quickly ? Please give this your best guy effort, you've been so helpful in the past! Thank you :(
VictorM's advice:
No, it doesn't happen quickly, but take consolation from knowing that good and decent people hurt the most; if you weren't the caring kind you wouldn't hurt.
I suggest you do three things.
One, change. Change your hairstyle, your clothes, the places you go to, the friends you have (if they were his friends too), remove all reminders of him (pictures, rings, ticket stubs, gifts he gave you, etc.), find new hobbies, listen to new music. In short, change!
Two, make a list of his most wonderful qualities, that which you most admired about him. Rank them. Assign numbers in order of most admired. The one at the top of the list, work on yourself to be more like that. For example, if you liked most that he was outgoing, do whatever it takes to be more outgoing (chances are you are not). You don't have to become like him, just enough of a change to make that attribute a less significant attraction. See a therapist if you have to. By changing yourself you change who you're attracted to.
Three, don't think there's anything wrong with you for feeling sad, hurt, depressed. You're entitled to those feelings. If you need to cry, cry! If you feel sad and want to have moments alone, do it. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Just don't become a prisoner of your feelings. Fight to reduce the number of times they overcome you. But those feelings are what makes you human. Accept your tough luck but also focus your energy on changing your luck.
Labels: emotions, missing, pain
