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Wednesday, January 24, 2007
He is looking at porn all the time
Julie, 23, from Michigan asks:
I got married almost a year ago now and I love my husband to death. The problem is that I found out lately that he is looking at porn all the time. This really bothers me and I told him but he basically told me to "grow up" and that it wasn't a big deal. He doesn't understand (or seem to care) what a big deal I think this is. What can I do about it? Or am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not overreacting. Aside from the porn-watching, your husband's answer for you to "grow up" is an unfortunate reply that unveils both lack of maturity and concern for your feelings.
What you can do, and should do, is to continue to express your personal feelings without pointing a finger or accusing him of wrong-doing. Repeat as often as necessary things like "I don't like it", "I wish you didn't", "It's not the moral environment I want", etc. At some point, your husband will have to decide if his quest for lust is more important than your feelings.
How he reacts, will, in the long run, determine if you will continue to love him to death or not.
I got married almost a year ago now and I love my husband to death. The problem is that I found out lately that he is looking at porn all the time. This really bothers me and I told him but he basically told me to "grow up" and that it wasn't a big deal. He doesn't understand (or seem to care) what a big deal I think this is. What can I do about it? Or am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not overreacting. Aside from the porn-watching, your husband's answer for you to "grow up" is an unfortunate reply that unveils both lack of maturity and concern for your feelings.
What you can do, and should do, is to continue to express your personal feelings without pointing a finger or accusing him of wrong-doing. Repeat as often as necessary things like "I don't like it", "I wish you didn't", "It's not the moral environment I want", etc. At some point, your husband will have to decide if his quest for lust is more important than your feelings.
How he reacts, will, in the long run, determine if you will continue to love him to death or not.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I read his emails
christa, 27, from canada asks:
I have been married to this man for 6 years. We have had some issues in the past and we overcame them. Two years ago we separated because there was another woman, we were separated for 6 months than out of the grace of god we got back together which made me happy due to the fact that we have 3 kids. Anyway the other night he was reading his email and I saw a site he says his friend signed him up for looking for girls in our area for a good time, we talked about it and he said that it was nothing. I had a bad feeling about all of this so he gave me his email password and told me to see for myself. So he left for a couple of hours and I read his emails and I found one from a girl and him replying to it about how he wants to have sex with her but can't because he's in a custody battle with his ex-wife and he can't go "whoring around" cause his ex wife will hold it against him in court. I'm mortified. I called him on it and he agrees that he did but tells me that he made a mistake and stupid. He told me things like he was just blowing her off or that it was all fiction but it's real to me I'm very hurt and confused. I have asked him to leave after the holidays for the sake of our children and xmas being only 4 days away. He told me that he can't believe that I'm throwing away our marriage over a fictional conversation with a woman he's not interested in. I beg to differ. I just need a little clarity. Does all this sound as screwed up as it is? Please help. Thanks, heartbroken in canada
VictorM's advice:
I too can't believe you'd end your marriage over this. Your guy doesn't win any medals for proper conduct (or for brightness) but I can understand it being all a silly fantasy thing with him. Guys are quite capable of doing the sort of stuff he did with no intentions to follow-up.
He let you read the emails, he didn't deny them, and on the emails he's telling the girl he's not going to meet her. So he's making up some stuff about custody, so what? He doesn't owe her the full truth.
Look, he was online, goofing around. It was dumb but no big deal. Most guys have a part of themselves that sometimes behaves like an irresponsible teenager. That's what he was doing. And as far as irresponsible goes, this sounds pretty mild.
I have been married to this man for 6 years. We have had some issues in the past and we overcame them. Two years ago we separated because there was another woman, we were separated for 6 months than out of the grace of god we got back together which made me happy due to the fact that we have 3 kids. Anyway the other night he was reading his email and I saw a site he says his friend signed him up for looking for girls in our area for a good time, we talked about it and he said that it was nothing. I had a bad feeling about all of this so he gave me his email password and told me to see for myself. So he left for a couple of hours and I read his emails and I found one from a girl and him replying to it about how he wants to have sex with her but can't because he's in a custody battle with his ex-wife and he can't go "whoring around" cause his ex wife will hold it against him in court. I'm mortified. I called him on it and he agrees that he did but tells me that he made a mistake and stupid. He told me things like he was just blowing her off or that it was all fiction but it's real to me I'm very hurt and confused. I have asked him to leave after the holidays for the sake of our children and xmas being only 4 days away. He told me that he can't believe that I'm throwing away our marriage over a fictional conversation with a woman he's not interested in. I beg to differ. I just need a little clarity. Does all this sound as screwed up as it is? Please help. Thanks, heartbroken in canada
VictorM's advice:
I too can't believe you'd end your marriage over this. Your guy doesn't win any medals for proper conduct (or for brightness) but I can understand it being all a silly fantasy thing with him. Guys are quite capable of doing the sort of stuff he did with no intentions to follow-up.
He let you read the emails, he didn't deny them, and on the emails he's telling the girl he's not going to meet her. So he's making up some stuff about custody, so what? He doesn't owe her the full truth.
Look, he was online, goofing around. It was dumb but no big deal. Most guys have a part of themselves that sometimes behaves like an irresponsible teenager. That's what he was doing. And as far as irresponsible goes, this sounds pretty mild.
Labels: emails, husband, other girl
