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Saturday, February 17, 2007
Sex with another girl
amy, 24, from NY asks:
My boyfriend goes to college in MN and we won't see each other for about 5 months. We have been dating for 5 years. We have been talking about what if he wanted to have sex with someone up there. If he has sex with someone else I am scared that he will start to like the other girl? And why do guys want to have sex with different girls when they have someone?
VictorM's answer:
Guys like variety and they place no emotional attachment in the sex act. But if they have a partner, those wishes should not be acted upon. That's typically how it goes.
This is not the time for you to be a wuss. Tell him how you feel about that idea. If you go along with it, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's probably expecting you to put your foot down and say "no way!". Frankly, this shouldn't even be a topic of discussion.
Chances are that if he's going to start liking another girl, it will not be one with whom he has casual sex.
My boyfriend goes to college in MN and we won't see each other for about 5 months. We have been dating for 5 years. We have been talking about what if he wanted to have sex with someone up there. If he has sex with someone else I am scared that he will start to like the other girl? And why do guys want to have sex with different girls when they have someone?
VictorM's answer:
Guys like variety and they place no emotional attachment in the sex act. But if they have a partner, those wishes should not be acted upon. That's typically how it goes.
This is not the time for you to be a wuss. Tell him how you feel about that idea. If you go along with it, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's probably expecting you to put your foot down and say "no way!". Frankly, this shouldn't even be a topic of discussion.
Chances are that if he's going to start liking another girl, it will not be one with whom he has casual sex.
Labels: boyfriend, casual sex, girlfriend, sex with another girl
Monday, January 22, 2007
Lied to protect him
sarah, 22, from uk asks:
My boyfriend wants me to convince him that not everything come out of my mouth is a lie. How can I convince him that it well be better this time? I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him because I lied to him three times only to protect him from getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Stop telling lies. Duh!
You need to establish a pattern of telling the truth for him to believe you. You can tell him you learned from your mistakes and won't do it again, but that would be a lie -- the truth is you will lie again. Why? Because unless and until you learn to face the consequences of unpleasant truths your first impulse will be to lie.
You may stand a better chance at explaining why you lie and it's never with malice, but you will work on it. But if he's not mature enough to understand that you'll be a work in progress, you two are in for some rough times.
My boyfriend wants me to convince him that not everything come out of my mouth is a lie. How can I convince him that it well be better this time? I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him because I lied to him three times only to protect him from getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Stop telling lies. Duh!
You need to establish a pattern of telling the truth for him to believe you. You can tell him you learned from your mistakes and won't do it again, but that would be a lie -- the truth is you will lie again. Why? Because unless and until you learn to face the consequences of unpleasant truths your first impulse will be to lie.
You may stand a better chance at explaining why you lie and it's never with malice, but you will work on it. But if he's not mature enough to understand that you'll be a work in progress, you two are in for some rough times.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend, lies, lying
Saturday, December 09, 2006
He disappeared for a week
Zoe, 21, from Maryland asks:
We've been dating for almost 2 months. He disappeared for a week because he says he's depressed. Here's the story: I met this guy online, and we really hit it off. Unfortunately we live kinda far, about 3 hours from each other. We talked for a good two weeks before we met. We met, had a great weekend, and we did have sex. Afterwards when he left, things were great too. Phone calls kept coming in like normal and everything. He did tell me he is prone to bouts of clinical depression. Even at one point where he got really busy, he did call me to let me know that even though he's been running around, he's still thinking of me and NOT trying to ignore me. And I appreciated that. Communication kept going strong.
I went to visit him a month later. First night everything was cool! I met and hung out with the parents and all his friends and he was happy to see me. Things were great and dandy but later in the weekend... he seemed different. Energy was gone, and at one point he even got the flu. We did not have sex that weekend, although I wanted to, after his energy drain he didn't seem to be into it. Both people have to enjoy it. We talk briefly about what's happening and he says that he still likes me.
Come Monday I leave, I get home and call to say I'm alright. I don't hear from him for a few days, and Wednesday I catch him online for 5 minutes and he's saying he's hit rock bottom. So I still don't hear from him for a while and send him an email Saturday. We talk Monday morning and Tuesday night (via the phone) to discuss this problem. In short he said, " I really like you, not just physically, but also has a human being. If this is too much for you to handle I understand." He's doing everything he can such as medication and therapy. Things at home really blow for him. I also offered to give him space.
Here are some things that ALSO kinda worry me:
a) he never changed his relationship status across his accounts.
b) I don't care about anything else but on the dating site he's even updated the profile, and added new photos.
What gives? We even talked about this once before and he said he'd change it. I don't think I should have to remind him (again) to do so, but at the same time maybe I need to chill out a bit. It's only been 2 months.
My plan is to take a few steps back give him space. What do you think? What's up with this guy? He was a different person when we met! I miss that guy.
VictorM's advice:
The novelty wore off. His desire for new conquests exceeds the desire for you. Guys hate to give the that kind of news to the girl, so they hide, stall, mince words, praise you, etc.
I don't think the depression is at play here because of the profile situation. He's looking to play the cyberspace field.
Give him space, sure, like a planet's worth of it, but don't expect anything to change. Meanwhile, look for a boyfriend who lives close by. Long distance relationships have very low odds of success.
We've been dating for almost 2 months. He disappeared for a week because he says he's depressed. Here's the story: I met this guy online, and we really hit it off. Unfortunately we live kinda far, about 3 hours from each other. We talked for a good two weeks before we met. We met, had a great weekend, and we did have sex. Afterwards when he left, things were great too. Phone calls kept coming in like normal and everything. He did tell me he is prone to bouts of clinical depression. Even at one point where he got really busy, he did call me to let me know that even though he's been running around, he's still thinking of me and NOT trying to ignore me. And I appreciated that. Communication kept going strong.
I went to visit him a month later. First night everything was cool! I met and hung out with the parents and all his friends and he was happy to see me. Things were great and dandy but later in the weekend... he seemed different. Energy was gone, and at one point he even got the flu. We did not have sex that weekend, although I wanted to, after his energy drain he didn't seem to be into it. Both people have to enjoy it. We talk briefly about what's happening and he says that he still likes me.
Come Monday I leave, I get home and call to say I'm alright. I don't hear from him for a few days, and Wednesday I catch him online for 5 minutes and he's saying he's hit rock bottom. So I still don't hear from him for a while and send him an email Saturday. We talk Monday morning and Tuesday night (via the phone) to discuss this problem. In short he said, " I really like you, not just physically, but also has a human being. If this is too much for you to handle I understand." He's doing everything he can such as medication and therapy. Things at home really blow for him. I also offered to give him space.
Here are some things that ALSO kinda worry me:
a) he never changed his relationship status across his accounts.
b) I don't care about anything else but on the dating site he's even updated the profile, and added new photos.
What gives? We even talked about this once before and he said he'd change it. I don't think I should have to remind him (again) to do so, but at the same time maybe I need to chill out a bit. It's only been 2 months.
My plan is to take a few steps back give him space. What do you think? What's up with this guy? He was a different person when we met! I miss that guy.
VictorM's advice:
The novelty wore off. His desire for new conquests exceeds the desire for you. Guys hate to give the that kind of news to the girl, so they hide, stall, mince words, praise you, etc.
I don't think the depression is at play here because of the profile situation. He's looking to play the cyberspace field.
Give him space, sure, like a planet's worth of it, but don't expect anything to change. Meanwhile, look for a boyfriend who lives close by. Long distance relationships have very low odds of success.
Labels: boyfriend, girlfriend, long distance relationship
