Saturday, March 24, 2007
Afraid to be hurt, afraid to be happy
Marcy, 31, from USA asks:
I met a guy online through a dating service that only matches people who are strongly compatible based on this profile they complete. Blah blah. We emailed online for awhile and then talked on the phone and then met in person. We have been out 5 times now. The very first time I met him it was like we were long lost friends. I am not somebody who believes in love at first sight or any of that garbage- but I have to say- it was definitely a deep, deep connection right away for sure. He calls me almost every day. He calls me early in the week to ask me out for the weekend to make sure I won't get any other plans. During our date last Saturday, he told me that he felt if things went well between us that we should move in together this fall when one of his larger flats that he owns will no longer be occupied by a renter. I became concerned because he had told me prior to this that he was in no hurry to settle down and start a family (he is 39). When I reminded him of this- he told me that his plans had become more urgent after he met me because he wants to have a family. His first wife left him for another man and now has kids with that person so I know he was capable of a long term thing prior to meeting me. Now I am 31- that is true- but I never really thought a guy would want to rush things because of my age. My response was- I am really healthy, I am sure I can have kids for a long time still. I smiled and excused myself and hid in the ladies room for about 5 minutes so I wouldn't screw up and say the wrong thing. Truth be told, I really like him and I wouldn't be opposed to moving in with him if things work out. It just scared me that he brought it up so fast. The strange thing is that later that night I asked him if he was seeing anyone else from online and he said he had gone out with another girl twice that he had liked and that he hadn't seen her since he met me. I asked him if he was planning to see her again and he said he didn't know. That made me mad because he had just told me 2 hours earlier that he thought he might want to move in with me with the prospect of starting a family. But I made out with him anyway- even though it bugged the hell out of me to think he could be dating some other woman. He called me Sunday but I was busy with friends. He called again Monday and wanted to have dinner with me and took me to a nice restaurant. He asked me what I was doing this weekend and I told him my Mother is coming to town to see me. He had this scared look in his eyes when he was asking what we were doing- I could tell he wanted to meet my mom and he was afraid I wasn't going to ask him. So I invited him to dinner. He couldn't have had a wider grin on his face. He is coming to dinner Saturday to meet my mom. Now is it possible that a guy can really like me this much so fast or is this guy a big player and probably telling every other girl the same stuff and just dating tons of girls from online? My friends say that I should go with the flow and not worry. But I am really falling in love with this person and I don't want to get hurt. Am I being dumb to think that he MIGHT be for real and a good guy? Or does it sound like this guy is a big player trying to get down my pants? My gut is telling me he is a good guy- but my brain is telling me he is a big player and I am going to get hurt really bad. I want a guy's point of view.
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt, forget all relationships and go live in the desert, otherwise, any time you open yourself up to love, heartache is always but a moment away. To love in fear is counter-productive.
Nothing of what you said suggests the guy is a player; quite the contrary, he seems pretty committed to you. Yes, maybe he's gotten a little ahead of himself, but you can slow things down. His desire to take things slowly initially is understandable -- most guys say that so they have an exit route if things don't work out -- but once he fell for you, he expressed his real desire. Nothing wrong with that.
The part about him considering still seeing the other girl if he's so much into you can be explained this way: most guys, when they get hurt or offended will revert to the child within them. You turned him down, he got a boo-boo and so he reacted like a little kid who wants to give you a boo-boo back. Ignore it. He's just being a typical guy.
I said at the outset that you can't be afraid to be hurt if you want a relationship. I also say you shouldn't be afraid to be happy. You seem to have both fears. Find a way to get over those fears and your life will be more complete, no matter how it all turns out.
I met a guy online through a dating service that only matches people who are strongly compatible based on this profile they complete. Blah blah. We emailed online for awhile and then talked on the phone and then met in person. We have been out 5 times now. The very first time I met him it was like we were long lost friends. I am not somebody who believes in love at first sight or any of that garbage- but I have to say- it was definitely a deep, deep connection right away for sure. He calls me almost every day. He calls me early in the week to ask me out for the weekend to make sure I won't get any other plans. During our date last Saturday, he told me that he felt if things went well between us that we should move in together this fall when one of his larger flats that he owns will no longer be occupied by a renter. I became concerned because he had told me prior to this that he was in no hurry to settle down and start a family (he is 39). When I reminded him of this- he told me that his plans had become more urgent after he met me because he wants to have a family. His first wife left him for another man and now has kids with that person so I know he was capable of a long term thing prior to meeting me. Now I am 31- that is true- but I never really thought a guy would want to rush things because of my age. My response was- I am really healthy, I am sure I can have kids for a long time still. I smiled and excused myself and hid in the ladies room for about 5 minutes so I wouldn't screw up and say the wrong thing. Truth be told, I really like him and I wouldn't be opposed to moving in with him if things work out. It just scared me that he brought it up so fast. The strange thing is that later that night I asked him if he was seeing anyone else from online and he said he had gone out with another girl twice that he had liked and that he hadn't seen her since he met me. I asked him if he was planning to see her again and he said he didn't know. That made me mad because he had just told me 2 hours earlier that he thought he might want to move in with me with the prospect of starting a family. But I made out with him anyway- even though it bugged the hell out of me to think he could be dating some other woman. He called me Sunday but I was busy with friends. He called again Monday and wanted to have dinner with me and took me to a nice restaurant. He asked me what I was doing this weekend and I told him my Mother is coming to town to see me. He had this scared look in his eyes when he was asking what we were doing- I could tell he wanted to meet my mom and he was afraid I wasn't going to ask him. So I invited him to dinner. He couldn't have had a wider grin on his face. He is coming to dinner Saturday to meet my mom. Now is it possible that a guy can really like me this much so fast or is this guy a big player and probably telling every other girl the same stuff and just dating tons of girls from online? My friends say that I should go with the flow and not worry. But I am really falling in love with this person and I don't want to get hurt. Am I being dumb to think that he MIGHT be for real and a good guy? Or does it sound like this guy is a big player trying to get down my pants? My gut is telling me he is a good guy- but my brain is telling me he is a big player and I am going to get hurt really bad. I want a guy's point of view.
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt, forget all relationships and go live in the desert, otherwise, any time you open yourself up to love, heartache is always but a moment away. To love in fear is counter-productive.
Nothing of what you said suggests the guy is a player; quite the contrary, he seems pretty committed to you. Yes, maybe he's gotten a little ahead of himself, but you can slow things down. His desire to take things slowly initially is understandable -- most guys say that so they have an exit route if things don't work out -- but once he fell for you, he expressed his real desire. Nothing wrong with that.
The part about him considering still seeing the other girl if he's so much into you can be explained this way: most guys, when they get hurt or offended will revert to the child within them. You turned him down, he got a boo-boo and so he reacted like a little kid who wants to give you a boo-boo back. Ignore it. He's just being a typical guy.
I said at the outset that you can't be afraid to be hurt if you want a relationship. I also say you shouldn't be afraid to be happy. You seem to have both fears. Find a way to get over those fears and your life will be more complete, no matter how it all turns out.
Labels: fear of getting hurt, relationship advice
