janet, 20, from Ne, asks:

I have been with my current ex boyfriend for 5 years back and forth. I left him after high school since we were going separate ways but he called back and found me through mutual friends. Anyway so then he breaks things off through texting and tells me to leave him the fuck alone, yet he won't leave me alone. He finds out information about me through a friend. I don't know how though then a week passes and he calls me just to do it you know? Then we don't talk or anything. The following week he does it again. If he wants to move on like he had said in the text then why doesn't he let ME move on? Is he likely to be jealous to which guy I'd go out with and let me be with him just so I won't jump off into another relationship? It hurts to not know so hopefully I can get a clear answer.

Victor's answer:

Why won't he leave you alone? Because he's a control freak. Because he's a creep. Because he's a major league jerk. If you think he does it because he has feelings for you, you're mistaken. He's a miserable critter and such people derive energy from making others more miserable than them. He will be jealous of anything or anyone that makes you happy. He won't let you move on because he likes to torment you. It gives me satisfaction. Don't expect rational behavior from an irrational person.

Basically, Janet, his behavior has nothing to do with you; it's all about his sorry ass being a solid loser. You didn't make him that way. You're not responsible for his actions. And there's nothing you can do to "fix" him. He was that way before you (you just didn't know it) and he will be this obnoxious with his next girlfriend.

What would be helpful is for you to try to change your attitude about that which you found really attractive about him so that you avoid falling for someone like him again. And ignore his attempts at contact with you. Don't show anger (he will like that), don't insult him (that's giving him attention), just avoid him with the least amount of attention possible. If he calls, hang-up without a word. If he text messages you, don't read it, just delete it without a response. If he sends you a letter, throw it in the garbage without reading it.

Labels: control freak, ex-boyfriend, stalker, won't leave me alone

Megan, 17, from Arkansas asks:

I have a friend who used to be my boyfriend and when we were going out he told me that he loved me and that he was never going to break up with me then out of the blue he breaks up with me because he needs to do some "soul searching" or something but he says he still wants us to be together and he's calling me his best friend. I'm confused because before we started going out he knew exactly who he was and what he wanted in life then he starts going out with me and four months later needs to do his soul searching. What does it mean when a guy calls his ex-girlfriend his best friend and why would a guy all of a sudden need to do soul searching?

VictorM's answer:

This is painful to you but all too common and simple to explain: He started going out with you and felt strong feelings for you at the beginning. Then, with time, for reasons he probably doesn't even know himself, he realized you're not "the one" for him. It's that simple. So how do you break-up with a girl you realize you're not in love with but you still care for and wish her well? Most guys make up little white lies, like "soul searching", "need space", "it's not you, it's me", etc.

The bottom line is, once a guy says he wants to break-up, don't bother with what he says next. It's not that he's actually lying; it's just a mechanism to try to avoid hurting your feelings. And he says he wants to remain friends for the same reason. Most likely, in a short period of time he'll gravitate away from you. And that's a good thing. You and him need to go your separate ways now and start dating other people again.

You did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong. Life just happened to you both. That's all. Finding the right one who thinks you're his right one too is not easy, but it's important to try and get it right. It's a journey. You're on your way. Keep going. And don't settle. Don't ever just settle.

Labels: break-up, ex-boyfriend, falling out of love, out of the blue

ronda, 37, from indiana asks:

My ex-boyfriend and I have not seen each other in five years. We dated beginning ten years ago , kinda grew apart but still talked. Just recently as I was getting over the fact that I would not be talking to him any more and met someone else, out of the blue he emails. Nothing really just a new project that he was working on. It kinda got in my head, I told him that I loved him all these years, he says that he loves me and we will only be friends, but lately I get two emails a week from him, asking me to review his new projects. I was always a support to him. I still care for him, but I don't see how we can be friends and were ex-lovers. He even says he's seeing someone. I'm growing over it, but what does he want with me?

VictorM's answer:

You provided the answer to your own question: "I was always a support to him." He wants support. You're a friend, someone he likes (loves, as a friend), someone he feels comfortable with, someone he's made clear to he's not interested in romantically, and therefore, the perfect person for support. If you're reading more than that into it, you're barking up the wrong tree.

There's also something of an ego boost to be in contact with someone you know likes you romantically. Even if you don't feel the same way about them, their attention is flattering.

Continue to grow over it.

Labels: ex-boyfriend, out of the blue, support

sue, 24, from georgia asks:

I was wondering why my ex-boyfriend is ignoring me, because a month ago we were speaking then all of a sudden he cut off all contact with me and when he sees me he doesn't even speak.

VictorM's answer:

The first thing that came to my mind was that he must have found a girlfriend. While I think that's probably the real reason, you can't discount that he just grew some common sense and decided, rightly, that staying too close to an ex is generally a bad idea. Consider yourself lucky he's doing this.

Labels: ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, not talking

Lianne, 20, from Belize asks:

My ex-boyfriend and I are friends, it's been a year and a half since he ended our 2 year relationship. We see a lot more of each other lately and he recently asked me "what's up with us?". We are at a point of "taking it slow" or "working it out" or "see where this leads"... I understand why he is confused and apprehensive about getting back together. What do you think?

VictorM's answer:

He ended the relationship for a reason. What do you think changed that makes you now the one he wants to be with? Face it, he hangs around because he hasn't found another yet. You aren't "taking it slow" or "working things out"; you're stuck and you're going nowhere.

Exes are evil. The sooner you're out of each other's life the better.

Labels: advice, answer, dating, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, exes

diana, 22, from wa asks:

I'm friends with an ex of mine. He recently asked me why I don't date. We both haven't dated for a couple of years. When I told him that I'm commitment phobic then he starts to argue with me about it. Trying to prove I'm not. He eventually stopped trying to disprove it. He went on to ask what I'd say to him caring about me before and never stopped caring. That he wanted to get back together and have a serious relationship. I told him no. To which he then said he only asked to see my response. Then Friday he just messaged me to see why I had a good night the night before. I told him that I had guys buy me drinks at my friend's birthday celebration at P.J. pockets casino. Which I've never had happen before so to me it was a good night. He just said sweet then stopped chatting. I'm curious, what's going on here with him? Seeing he tries to say the feelings gone and argues over stupid things like he did when we dated. I do not have feelings for him yet he deludes himself as him being the real reason why I'm single.

VictorM's advice:

What's going on? He would like to get back with you, that's what's going on. Maybe he still has feelings for you maybe he doesn't; his typical male ego is the one in control here. For him to accept you that don't care for him would send him into a virtual depression.

Exes are evil. The sooner you're out of each other's life the better.

Labels: advice, dating, ex-boyfriend, exes

Minx, 21, from Westerncape asks:

This might sound stupid, but I don't know what to do, think or feel anymore. My ex and I are broken up for more than a year and he keeps blaming me for everything that happens to him. Every time I went out and we see each other the next day there's drama. I ignore him, but it doesn't help. His car was scratched the other night and he's accusing me for doing it and it's not the first time. I will never damage his property, I'm not that type of person. I loved him and still do, but enough is enough..he left me and emotionally broke me. I don't want to go out anymore cause I'm afraid there will be something else that's my fault. What should I do? He told me he doesn't love me and that I'm not good or beautiful enough for him. So why does he look for attention by me and blaming me? Why is he cold and heartless with me, but in the same time can't leave me alone? What does he get out of braking me more and more and why does he do it? Please give me advise.

VictorM's advice:

You answered most of your questions. He's cold and heartless with you because he's cold an heartless. Duh! That's what cold and heartless people do: they hurt others, they use them, they abuse them, they don't take responsibility for their failures, etc.

You say you'd never damage his stuff, that you are a good person. He knows that. But he also knows it bothers you to be accused of those things. So, he says them... *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.

He likes to control you. Accusing you of doing bad things, saying you're not good enough, that you're not beautiful enough... it's all about control. Why does he want to control you? *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.

So what do you do? First, understand and accept in your mind that the things he says, he says them only to control you. Second, don't give him the pleasure of having that control over you. How? Simple, if you practice this: Next time he says you damaged his car, just say: "I didn't do it but if it makes you feel happy to believe I did, go ahead." And walk away. If he says: "You're not good enough", say: "I know I'm plenty good, but if it makes you feel happy to believe I'm not, go ahead." And walk away.

Every time you try to explain, justify, convince, or argue with him, you're giving him control over you -- he wins. Stop doing it! Every time he says something that hurts your feelings, just remember this phrase: "he's trying to control me." Don't allow yourself to be controlled. Use the reply I mentioned above instead.

Labels: cold and heartless, control, ex-boyfriend

meg, from Canada asks:

I wrote before and it was about an ex. Last week the ex came into the coffee shop where my friend and I were. I haven't talked to him since we broke up. Anyway, we talked for about 2 hours, he was telling me he was buying another house in 6 months. My friend asked where in town or in the country he said country. When we were dating I told him that I love to live in the country. He asked how my kids were doing, talked about work, then it got kinda weird like showing us his tattoo which was on his chest, and saying he has been working out, asked if i was still working at the bar, told him I had another job and he was like oh yeah where, my cell phone was on the table and he grabbed it and was looking at it and I asked him what he was doing and he was like I'm looking at the pictures that you took and I was like no you're not and took my phone from him. He said WHY WHO DO YOU HAVE PICS OF which I thought was weird because I'm not with him. I wanna know why after all this time almost a year would he come in and sit down, what does he want from me? Did he do this because he wanted to see if I would tell him to get lost or to find out if i was seeing someone so he could try again, or was he just in the area and thought he would stop in to say hi, lol thanks

VictorM's answer:

Meg, he's your ex, not your enemy. Exes run into each other from time to time. People buy houses in the country, they are nosey, playful, boastful... it's just the way it is. Life is not a romance novel where everything is done for a reason. He saw you, stopped in, talked for a while, and he moved on. There's no mystery, no plot, no rhyme or reason... just humans relating to each other.

Labels: advice, answer, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend

wendy, 33, from canada asks:

This guy and I dated for about a year, we had so much in common, he would tell me that everything felt right with our relationship everything was going awesome we would talk about getting married and so on till after the new year then he called when he felt like it and seen him when he had time there were a lot of excuses with him that I didn't like so I broke up with him. I found out he went to a party and started seeing someone I don't know if he was dating this person so I called it off. Anyways now the friends we have had I still talk to this one person and she always tells me he asks how I'm doing and what I have been up to. He ran into one of my friends and asked the same thing how I was doing and to wish me a merry xmas, but the catch is he is dating someone else now and why is he still asking about me? Is he doing this so I will call him or is he doing this because he just wants to know how i have been? Confused :S

VictorM's answer:

There's nothing to be confused. You are someone he cared about at one time. For some reason someone else came into his life and he followed his heart. That doesn't mean he hates you, dislikes, or doesn't care about you; in fact, it appears he cares. He's not asking about you expecting you to call him. He's asking because he's a human being, with natural feelings and concerns. He knows he hurt you and he probably feels some guilt about it. My guess is he'd like to hear that you're doing well and are happy. That would relieve his mind about what went on between you two.

See... not all men are cold-hearted monsters. :)

Labels: ex-boyfriend

SHANNON, 33, from TENNESSEE asks:

I have been in a long term relationship for 16 years that has had many problems. I ask him to leave months ago. After I asked him to leave I started seeing a guy I work with. In the beginning it was great, after about 3 months he said he is in love with me. We were together every Saturday. Now all of a sudden he is acting very different he says he still loves me and he even introduced me to his son. My ex is still in the house for financial reasons only for 2 more weeks only. My new guy says that does not bother him. So why do you think he just changed all the sudden?

VictorM's answer:

Your new guy is acting different because no one can keep up the intensity of the first few weeks or months. It's only natural that things simmer down. You're not specific about what changes you're talking about so I can't be any more specific than this.

(Note: This question was modified after Tara's comment pointed out something obvious. Oh well... I was still in vacation mode. :)

Labels: advice, answer, ex-boyfriend

Jen, 25, from California asks:

Here it goes: I was with a guy for almost three years but the last six months off and on because we split on his terms but still remained friendly and would see each other every now and again (once a month maybe and no sex just hanging out). The last time together we had a great time (sex also) and I really wanted to talk about us getting back together but decided that I would do it the next day because it didn't seem like the right time to bring it up. I asked him to call me later that night and he never did. Much to my sadness I wrote him e-mails within the next month and he never responded. So now that I was hurt and sad I wrote one that said if this is the way it is then I would like my things back. I was hoping he would say something about us but instead I got my things in the mail later on that week. I don't understand what I did or why he acted this way. What do you think? I am sad that he couldn't just say how he felt. Thanks

VictorM's advice:

Classic case of girls thinking sex means something, and to guys it's just a fuck. But what exactly did you expect him to say? You had split-up before but remained friends. He has no other explanations or justifications to give you. You had sex with him of your own free will. He probably sensed you wanted more than what the understanding was -- that is, friends only -- and decided to cut out contact. Words are not necessary since there was nothing new.

I don't blame him. Really, females want to talk, talk, talk even when there's nothing to say. How suffocating!

Labels: advice, answer, ex-boyfriend, sex

Meg, 31, from Canada asks:

I dated this guy a year ago, I have known him for 10 years when we got together. It was like he was the missing puzzle. I have three children and he has one. We dated years ago, we would talk about future stuff like a long term relationship, he would always bring this topic up. He told me he loved me first, but as time went on I found out he cheated on me. I broke up with him and we talked a bit after. I was really mad and hurt so I let him know. He told me I really like you a lot but I'm not ready for the long term relationship. Now I hear from friends that he is asking about me, like if they have talked to me and asking how I'm doing and what I have been up to and so on. I wanna know if he is checking to see if I'm seeing anyone or if I'm still mad at him. I'm getting the feeling that maybe he wants to call or talk to me but then again I could be wrong, that's why I'm asking you because guys are so hard to read :)

VictorM's answer:

Do you still look fine? Boobies and butt still in place? If the answer is yes, he wants some of that again. See Meg, guys are like open books. :)

Of course he still likes you and wants to know if you're still available. Does that mean he's ready to call you? Maybe not. He may feel that the events that led to the break-up ruined everything. But he's at least thinking about getting back together or wishing he could. Just because he cheated on you doesn't mean he's not fond of you or is in love with you still -- he probably is. But he may also have a girlfriend or a wife and is just naturally curious about you or willing to cheat on her with you.

Would you go back with him if he wanted to? I have no idea, neither does he. See, women are the ones that are hard to read.

Labels: cheat, ex-boyfriend

Tanna, 30, from thunder bay, asks:

I went out with an ex-boyfriend again for about a year. We broke up. Didn't see him for a awhile after. Now he is everywhere I am because he knows where I hang out with friends. He started going to my best friend's work to shop, he never did that before. Yesterday he went in and talked to my friend, asked how I was doing. This is not the first time he has asked a friend how I was. I talk to his friend still and get along great, she always seems to talk about him when we chat and telling me that he really liked me. I think he is fishing for info to see if I'm dating anyone so he can call. Am I right or am I reading into this to much?

VictorM's answer:

Maybe he likes your friend and uses you as a conversation started to talk to her. Nah.... you're a woman, I'm sure the world revolves around you.

I kid.

I don't know why you two broke up but it's possible he still likes you and would want another shot. Clearly his interest in you sounds unusual unless he was interested.

Some guys are glutton's for punishment!

Labels: ex-boyfriend

Kelsey, 30, from Minneapolis asks:

I went out with my ex after 10 years. We had a nice time. He spent the night and we never even kissed. I called him after a few text messages, and he told me he was shy, but really wanted to get it on that night. He then asked me to go out again and we picked this Friday, but not a place. (he said that way we would have to stay in touch.) That was 2 weeks ago and I still haven't heard from him. Since I started contact every time, I decided to wait for him to call me. Is he really interested?

VictorM's advice:

No. After 10 years he tried you out again for size, but you're still not the right fit. Asking you to go out again is what guys say at the end of a date, whether they mean it or not. There's a reason you two are exes; he must have realized what that reason was.

Labels: ex-boyfriend

Nicole, 22, from Utah asks:

Hi, my ex has been gone for a little over 2 years now and I have been trying to find him. He doesn't keep in contact with his family hardly at all anymore and I guess he got into drugs real bad after he left. Does the drugs thing mean that he was really hurt and he is trying to deal with it? Also, I was wondering, how do I know if he even wants to be found by me? It is driving me nuts and I have to apologize to him. Please help me.

VictorM's advice:

Leave your ex-boyfriend alone. Your quest to find him and apologise is fueled by selfishness. Your aim is to free yourself from guilt, not based on concern for him, even if you think it is.

He got into drugs because of his lack of willpower and/or self-destructive personality. To believe his downfall is because of you is either excessive guilt or narcissism.

You two broke-up. He went his way. What he does or doesn't do is none of your fault and none of your concern now. Keep it that way.

Labels: apology, drugs, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, guilt