A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Labels: bar joke, couples joke, husband joke

Joke submitted by Jhuvette:

The church was full and all of a sudden the doors at the back of the church blew open; in came a floating, glowing, scary-looking devil!

As the devil entered, the congregation scattered and disappeared, except for one little old man sitting on the front pew.

The devil floated up in front of the old man and looked him square in the eye and said, "Arrr! Why didn't you run from me? Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The little old man calmly answered the devil, "Because I have been married to your sister for fifty years."

Labels: couples joke, wife joke

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars.

She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.

The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. “But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed.

“Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

Labels: couples joke, husband joke

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Labels: couples joke, marriage joke

Jokes submitted by raj, from wi:

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. --Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -- Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I am married for forty-nine years." -- modified by Radhey Agarwal

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -- James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." -- Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. --Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. --Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -- Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." -- Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Labels: couples joke, marriage joke, one liner joke, wife joke

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Labels: couples joke, husband joke

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

Labels: couples joke, old folks joke

An elderly couple were driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple were pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!”the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back. “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

Labels: cops joke, couples joke, old folks joke

Joke submitted by RANJIT SINHA ROY, from: HYDERABAD, INDIA

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause,
"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says,"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731??"

Labels: couples joke

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The old man replied, “There are just two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!”

Labels: couples joke, old folks joke, sex joke

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out...carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.

All were singing Happy Birthday.

... and there on the couch I sat...

... with nothing on but my socks......

Labels: couples joke, stupid men joke

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Labels: couples joke, husband joke, lawyer joke, wife joke

Joke submitted by Donron:

The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."

"Why do we need three tickets?" asked the girl.

"They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister" he replied with a sheepish grin.

Labels: couples joke

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied

Labels: couples joke, doctor joke, husband joke

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Zach started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"

"Tara, Tara," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

Labels: couples joke, husband joke, wife joke, women joke