Saturday, March 31, 2007
I was too intoxicated to think straight
Jackie, 27, from Atlanta, GA asks:
I am in a situation with a man that I would really like some advice on.
I have gone out with this man a few times and had an outstanding time. He is really easy to be with and there has never been any awkwardness between us. We chat, laugh, cut up, tease and flirt with each other like we've known each other forever.
The last time I saw him I had been out on a girls' night with some friends. He and some other guys were invited to meet up with us later that night which was around midnight. By the time he arrived I had had way too much to drink and though I greeted him (pinned a little St. Patty's pin on his shirt so he could be as festive as the rest of us), I continued to party with my girlfriends and chat with one of the other guys who is a good friend of mine that I have known for years. I have no interest in this friend, but later that evening my guy (jokingly) stated that he was feeling ignored and jealous of the other guy. I was too intoxicated at this point to think straight enough to assure him that I was in no way interested in this guy and that he was the only one I had eyes for in that way. I also did not take it super seriously because he said it in such a way that it seemed he was just teasing me about it a bit. I now think that mentioning it in a joking manner was his way of disguising his insecurity. There was also an episode later that night where he was kissing me and someone was taking our picture while we kissed so I stopped him because I felt uncomfortable with everyone seeing us and snapping photos (I didn't explain the why to him I just pulled away and told him to behave).
A few days later a mutual friend of ours (my girlfriend who actually was the one who set us up to meet several months ago) told me that he told her a few days after that night that he feels that I am not that into him, mainly because I spent so much time chatting extensively with my guy friend instead of with him and that he felt ignored and neglected by me that night. I'm also sure the fact that I stopped the kissing confused him as well. I have spoken to him one time since this night and he was friendly but much cooler than usual and he has not asked for any other dates.
I know that this is partially my fault in that I was intoxicated and partying hard by the time he arrived and did not stop to pay him much attention (he was of course sober and in an entirely different mood than I, preferring to sit and chat with the less drunken of the group while I danced the night away with the other wasted people). Despite what he seems to think, this is not because I am not interested in him and I wish to convey that to him, but am afraid that he has cooled off completely and that my efforts would be no good. On the other hand, if he is still interested but is not calling only because he thinks that I'm not interested then I'm afraid that if I back off and act nonchalantly that that would only further his belief that I don't like him. Would something like this totally ruin my chances with this guy or would calling him for a friendly chat to let him know that I'm thinking about him be a good idea? I would definitely like to continue dating and getting to know this man but am afraid of his now rejecting me or of making matters worse by pushing the issue.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
His reaction is predictable and understandable. You acted like a dick. :-P But the good news is that guys get out of these insecure moods as easily as they get into them.
I would advise you to NOT talk about that night again. The less that night comes up the better. All you need to do is show him now that you want him. Yes, call him. Tell him you're thinking of him. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you want to see him. He just needs a few signs of encouragement that you're into him. Once that happens, all will be forgotten.
There are two reasons why I say you shouldn't talk about that night: One, you don't want that night to be in his mind. Even if you mean to explain your behavior, you'll just manage to make him relive being ignored. Not a good idea. Two, it's important going forward that he understand that although you're very much into him, you do have other friends and you like their company. Train him to accept you having fun with your friends rather than him training you to be walking on eggs when you're out in the company of others.
One last thing: there's nothing, NOTHING sexy or exciting about an overly intoxicated girl. If you can't be fun and have fun without drinking excessively, you'll be a sorry ass companion. That could be weighting on his mind more than anything else. Really, the "let's go out and get bombed" stage is so immature. Think about it.
I am in a situation with a man that I would really like some advice on.
I have gone out with this man a few times and had an outstanding time. He is really easy to be with and there has never been any awkwardness between us. We chat, laugh, cut up, tease and flirt with each other like we've known each other forever.
The last time I saw him I had been out on a girls' night with some friends. He and some other guys were invited to meet up with us later that night which was around midnight. By the time he arrived I had had way too much to drink and though I greeted him (pinned a little St. Patty's pin on his shirt so he could be as festive as the rest of us), I continued to party with my girlfriends and chat with one of the other guys who is a good friend of mine that I have known for years. I have no interest in this friend, but later that evening my guy (jokingly) stated that he was feeling ignored and jealous of the other guy. I was too intoxicated at this point to think straight enough to assure him that I was in no way interested in this guy and that he was the only one I had eyes for in that way. I also did not take it super seriously because he said it in such a way that it seemed he was just teasing me about it a bit. I now think that mentioning it in a joking manner was his way of disguising his insecurity. There was also an episode later that night where he was kissing me and someone was taking our picture while we kissed so I stopped him because I felt uncomfortable with everyone seeing us and snapping photos (I didn't explain the why to him I just pulled away and told him to behave).
A few days later a mutual friend of ours (my girlfriend who actually was the one who set us up to meet several months ago) told me that he told her a few days after that night that he feels that I am not that into him, mainly because I spent so much time chatting extensively with my guy friend instead of with him and that he felt ignored and neglected by me that night. I'm also sure the fact that I stopped the kissing confused him as well. I have spoken to him one time since this night and he was friendly but much cooler than usual and he has not asked for any other dates.
I know that this is partially my fault in that I was intoxicated and partying hard by the time he arrived and did not stop to pay him much attention (he was of course sober and in an entirely different mood than I, preferring to sit and chat with the less drunken of the group while I danced the night away with the other wasted people). Despite what he seems to think, this is not because I am not interested in him and I wish to convey that to him, but am afraid that he has cooled off completely and that my efforts would be no good. On the other hand, if he is still interested but is not calling only because he thinks that I'm not interested then I'm afraid that if I back off and act nonchalantly that that would only further his belief that I don't like him. Would something like this totally ruin my chances with this guy or would calling him for a friendly chat to let him know that I'm thinking about him be a good idea? I would definitely like to continue dating and getting to know this man but am afraid of his now rejecting me or of making matters worse by pushing the issue.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
His reaction is predictable and understandable. You acted like a dick. :-P But the good news is that guys get out of these insecure moods as easily as they get into them.
I would advise you to NOT talk about that night again. The less that night comes up the better. All you need to do is show him now that you want him. Yes, call him. Tell him you're thinking of him. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you want to see him. He just needs a few signs of encouragement that you're into him. Once that happens, all will be forgotten.
There are two reasons why I say you shouldn't talk about that night: One, you don't want that night to be in his mind. Even if you mean to explain your behavior, you'll just manage to make him relive being ignored. Not a good idea. Two, it's important going forward that he understand that although you're very much into him, you do have other friends and you like their company. Train him to accept you having fun with your friends rather than him training you to be walking on eggs when you're out in the company of others.
One last thing: there's nothing, NOTHING sexy or exciting about an overly intoxicated girl. If you can't be fun and have fun without drinking excessively, you'll be a sorry ass companion. That could be weighting on his mind more than anything else. Really, the "let's go out and get bombed" stage is so immature. Think about it.
Labels: cooled off, too intoxicated
