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Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Talking about our relationship
D, 18, from norcal asks:
My boyfriend doesn't like talking about our relationship, and I guess most guys don't but...problem is, we started as a young couple, and we both made mistakes along the way but we're older now and we've moved on... or so the relationship has in a way. Thing is, he can kiss and make up and mow right over the incident, but I can't get it out of my head until I get it off my chest and 'resolved.' Every time my mind goes idle I'll think about it and I'll get irritated and blow up at him, but I don't want to say it's about something completely irrelevant to current events, so I don't tell him what it is. How do I get him to just sit tight and give me some closure on our relationship bumps??
VictorM's advice:
As you said, this is a very common situation. Quite often it never gets resolved and so the problems linger and grow with time. It's a good think that you're aware of this and want to do something about it, however, it takes two to resolve this problem and unless he understands what's going on, you're left to get more irritated as time goes on.
Did you sit down with him, calmly, and explained to him exactly what you told us? If you did, you need to try again and if you didn't, you need to. But before you do, you must be in the frame of mind that this is your issue, not his. You must bring it up as something you need to do, something that you need his help with, and at no time should you try to place blame on him. If you make it your issue, one that you need his help rather than something he must change, you might stand a better chance.
Anytime you talk to a guy about your feelings and your needs rather than his shortcomings and his flaws, you stand a much better chance of getting him to change.
My boyfriend doesn't like talking about our relationship, and I guess most guys don't but...problem is, we started as a young couple, and we both made mistakes along the way but we're older now and we've moved on... or so the relationship has in a way. Thing is, he can kiss and make up and mow right over the incident, but I can't get it out of my head until I get it off my chest and 'resolved.' Every time my mind goes idle I'll think about it and I'll get irritated and blow up at him, but I don't want to say it's about something completely irrelevant to current events, so I don't tell him what it is. How do I get him to just sit tight and give me some closure on our relationship bumps??
VictorM's advice:
As you said, this is a very common situation. Quite often it never gets resolved and so the problems linger and grow with time. It's a good think that you're aware of this and want to do something about it, however, it takes two to resolve this problem and unless he understands what's going on, you're left to get more irritated as time goes on.
Did you sit down with him, calmly, and explained to him exactly what you told us? If you did, you need to try again and if you didn't, you need to. But before you do, you must be in the frame of mind that this is your issue, not his. You must bring it up as something you need to do, something that you need his help with, and at no time should you try to place blame on him. If you make it your issue, one that you need his help rather than something he must change, you might stand a better chance.
Anytime you talk to a guy about your feelings and your needs rather than his shortcomings and his flaws, you stand a much better chance of getting him to change.
Labels: communication, relationship
