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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Doesn't Want to get Hurt
kate, 26, from New Zealand asks:
A guy who I have been interested in for awhile has a reputation for being a bit of a player. He paid me attention on and off for 6 months but recently has been visiting me once or twice a week. During one of these visits he brought his best friend of 12 years with him and we all had dinner together and watched movies. He often stays the night and we fool around a bit but he said he wants to wait to sleep together. He said that he finds me very attractive. We have great conversation and laughs together. He has however never asked me out to places as yet and sometimes visits me at night after he has been out with his friends and their girlfriends. He said that he is a busy person and likes space to get things done. I'm not the type to crowd someone but am starting to have strong feelings for him and don't want to get hurt. What do you think his intentions are?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt become a nun. Face it, anytime you get entangled romantically, pain and disappointment are only a split second away.
His intentions are the same as most men: to get the most he can by giving as little as possible in return. If he can visit you when he feels like, fool around a little bit when he feels like, get a meal and watch a movie when he feels like, and have to make no commitment, assume no responsibility, and be free to come and go at will by simple saying he's busy, hey, millions and millions of men would sign up instantly for that gig. And oh, trust me, he wants sex, he's just being coy with you, but sex is a goal. He's got a good thing going, so if you let it, your current setup will go on for years.
You have to act on your own time table and what's best for you. Don't be afraid to say something that might scare him way -- the only guys that scare away are the ones that aren't that much into the relationship to begin with. Since you have reached a point of strong feelings for him, the sooner you find out about his feelings for you the better. If he responds in kind, great. But if he gives you excuses, like he's busy or other bullshit, it just means he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. In this case, whether you continue to entertain him is up to you, but be aware that's all you will be -- entertainment.
A guy who I have been interested in for awhile has a reputation for being a bit of a player. He paid me attention on and off for 6 months but recently has been visiting me once or twice a week. During one of these visits he brought his best friend of 12 years with him and we all had dinner together and watched movies. He often stays the night and we fool around a bit but he said he wants to wait to sleep together. He said that he finds me very attractive. We have great conversation and laughs together. He has however never asked me out to places as yet and sometimes visits me at night after he has been out with his friends and their girlfriends. He said that he is a busy person and likes space to get things done. I'm not the type to crowd someone but am starting to have strong feelings for him and don't want to get hurt. What do you think his intentions are?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt become a nun. Face it, anytime you get entangled romantically, pain and disappointment are only a split second away.
His intentions are the same as most men: to get the most he can by giving as little as possible in return. If he can visit you when he feels like, fool around a little bit when he feels like, get a meal and watch a movie when he feels like, and have to make no commitment, assume no responsibility, and be free to come and go at will by simple saying he's busy, hey, millions and millions of men would sign up instantly for that gig. And oh, trust me, he wants sex, he's just being coy with you, but sex is a goal. He's got a good thing going, so if you let it, your current setup will go on for years.
You have to act on your own time table and what's best for you. Don't be afraid to say something that might scare him way -- the only guys that scare away are the ones that aren't that much into the relationship to begin with. Since you have reached a point of strong feelings for him, the sooner you find out about his feelings for you the better. If he responds in kind, great. But if he gives you excuses, like he's busy or other bullshit, it just means he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. In this case, whether you continue to entertain him is up to you, but be aware that's all you will be -- entertainment.
Labels: commitment, pain, relationship, romance
Sunday, January 28, 2007
You're Jessica and I'm Gene
Jessica, 26, from Fort Worth TX asks:
So I met a guy about two years ago at work. We became friends right off the start. Then around a year and a half ago he asked me to hang out. We ended up kissing, he would cuddle with me at night and we would stay up all night talking. Around a month later I finally instigated sex. Afterwards, I told him not to be weird around me at work, and I think that made him think I only wanted to be friends with benefits. Well, time goes on and we are always going somewhere like six flags with our kids, or to a game, or Shreveport always somewhere, and usually just the two of us. Last year we took about 6 months off, and now he has come back into my life again. We have been seeing each other for the last 8 months again. He just recently got full custody of his son, and now he brings him over to my house and we always involve him as well as my two kids. He calls almost every single day, wants to do my taxes, etc. I can tell he really cares about me, the problem is we haven't talked about "us". So the other night I brought it up and asked him what I was to him. His answer was you're Jessica and I'm Gene. I don't know if he didn't understand the question or simply trying to avoid it, so I went to sleep mad, and he knew it. He kissed me in the morning, but it hasn't been brought up since, but it really hurts my feelings that we can talk about everything, except when it comes to our relationship. As a guy what do you think is going on in his head? Do you think he still thinks of me as a friend or that he really does love me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
I wish someone would invent a pill to cure you females of this terrible affliction! You people are so suffocating with the getting mad and hurt feelings over nothing. Yes, NOTHING!
From your description he's very much into you. But after a break-up with the mother of his child, and getting custody of his son, he is in no rush to commit. His answer is simply a reflection of his attitude because of what has happened to him before, not a reflection of his feelings towards you now. There will come a time when he'll know in his head and heart whether you're the right one for him or not. At that point, he'll react and either commit to you or find an excuse to get out of your life. Until then, he's exploring life with you carefully. I'd say that's smart and you will benefit from it in the long run.
So, stop thinking the world revolves around you, enjoy the man's company, give him time to assess if you're the one, and thank your lucky stars you're not with a man who only thinks with his dick.
So I met a guy about two years ago at work. We became friends right off the start. Then around a year and a half ago he asked me to hang out. We ended up kissing, he would cuddle with me at night and we would stay up all night talking. Around a month later I finally instigated sex. Afterwards, I told him not to be weird around me at work, and I think that made him think I only wanted to be friends with benefits. Well, time goes on and we are always going somewhere like six flags with our kids, or to a game, or Shreveport always somewhere, and usually just the two of us. Last year we took about 6 months off, and now he has come back into my life again. We have been seeing each other for the last 8 months again. He just recently got full custody of his son, and now he brings him over to my house and we always involve him as well as my two kids. He calls almost every single day, wants to do my taxes, etc. I can tell he really cares about me, the problem is we haven't talked about "us". So the other night I brought it up and asked him what I was to him. His answer was you're Jessica and I'm Gene. I don't know if he didn't understand the question or simply trying to avoid it, so I went to sleep mad, and he knew it. He kissed me in the morning, but it hasn't been brought up since, but it really hurts my feelings that we can talk about everything, except when it comes to our relationship. As a guy what do you think is going on in his head? Do you think he still thinks of me as a friend or that he really does love me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
I wish someone would invent a pill to cure you females of this terrible affliction! You people are so suffocating with the getting mad and hurt feelings over nothing. Yes, NOTHING!
From your description he's very much into you. But after a break-up with the mother of his child, and getting custody of his son, he is in no rush to commit. His answer is simply a reflection of his attitude because of what has happened to him before, not a reflection of his feelings towards you now. There will come a time when he'll know in his head and heart whether you're the right one for him or not. At that point, he'll react and either commit to you or find an excuse to get out of your life. Until then, he's exploring life with you carefully. I'd say that's smart and you will benefit from it in the long run.
So, stop thinking the world revolves around you, enjoy the man's company, give him time to assess if you're the one, and thank your lucky stars you're not with a man who only thinks with his dick.
Labels: boyfriend, commitment
Friday, January 26, 2007
He may move this summer
Shannon, 30, from: New Hampshire asks:
So this guy and I have been dating, not exclusively, for the last 4 months. He is best friends with my best friends husband and he tells her how he likes me a lot. Yet he won't commit because he doesn't know what he wants to do with work etc yet. He may move this summer. She tells me to just give him time. She is the second person to tell me this. I've been away on a business trip for the last week and before that he was helping a friend move out to California. We have talked every day and he even told me he missed me. He flew down this weekend to see me on my trip and again told me he missed me. So why won't he commit? Should I ask him? I sometimes feel that I want more then he does.
VictorM's advice:
By your own admission you're not even dating exclusively. Doesn't sound like you're that serious either. Anyway, so he likes you some. He misses you (a boiler plate expression that everyone says, which may or may not be true.) So he goes to visit you -- it's not like a person needs to be madly in love to enjoy another person's company.
I don't know if you want more than he does but clearly he's not sure about you yet, hence the talk about moving. If you feel the need to ask how he feels, there's a bad sign right there -- your relationship is not ready for commitment. So don't ask. Besides, you would never get a straight answer anyway.
Date the guy. Learn more about him. Find out what his plans are. Enjoy his company. Come summer if you're still not dating exclusively or if he doesn't change his mind about moving... you're not his "the one" or him yours.
So this guy and I have been dating, not exclusively, for the last 4 months. He is best friends with my best friends husband and he tells her how he likes me a lot. Yet he won't commit because he doesn't know what he wants to do with work etc yet. He may move this summer. She tells me to just give him time. She is the second person to tell me this. I've been away on a business trip for the last week and before that he was helping a friend move out to California. We have talked every day and he even told me he missed me. He flew down this weekend to see me on my trip and again told me he missed me. So why won't he commit? Should I ask him? I sometimes feel that I want more then he does.
VictorM's advice:
By your own admission you're not even dating exclusively. Doesn't sound like you're that serious either. Anyway, so he likes you some. He misses you (a boiler plate expression that everyone says, which may or may not be true.) So he goes to visit you -- it's not like a person needs to be madly in love to enjoy another person's company.
I don't know if you want more than he does but clearly he's not sure about you yet, hence the talk about moving. If you feel the need to ask how he feels, there's a bad sign right there -- your relationship is not ready for commitment. So don't ask. Besides, you would never get a straight answer anyway.
Date the guy. Learn more about him. Find out what his plans are. Enjoy his company. Come summer if you're still not dating exclusively or if he doesn't change his mind about moving... you're not his "the one" or him yours.
Labels: advice, answer, commitment, relationship
Saturday, December 16, 2006
I met someone online at a dating site
Eden, 59, from brulington nc asks:
I met someone online at a dating site. He called me 2 months ago and we hit it off immediately. Since the first week he has been saying I love you and we met for a 3 day weekend where he treated me like a princess. He is a sweet and a good man and has emailed me and called me everyday since I left him to come back home and told me he loves and misses me. When I asked him where our relationship was headed after I got home he told me that I was the most beautiful and sexy woman he had ever been with but that we needed to spend more time together to see if we are meant to be life partners. I am spending two weeks with him in January. I don't want to pressure him or drive him off but I am so in love with this guy. What do i do to get him to commit to me?
VictorM's advice:
Stop asking where your relationship is going. Few things irritate a guy more than that. Accept that guys generally move into relationships at a slower clip than females. So, relax, enjoy the company, and STOP RUSHING THINGS.
I met someone online at a dating site. He called me 2 months ago and we hit it off immediately. Since the first week he has been saying I love you and we met for a 3 day weekend where he treated me like a princess. He is a sweet and a good man and has emailed me and called me everyday since I left him to come back home and told me he loves and misses me. When I asked him where our relationship was headed after I got home he told me that I was the most beautiful and sexy woman he had ever been with but that we needed to spend more time together to see if we are meant to be life partners. I am spending two weeks with him in January. I don't want to pressure him or drive him off but I am so in love with this guy. What do i do to get him to commit to me?
VictorM's advice:
Stop asking where your relationship is going. Few things irritate a guy more than that. Accept that guys generally move into relationships at a slower clip than females. So, relax, enjoy the company, and STOP RUSHING THINGS.
Labels: commitment, online dating, relationship, romance
He kept sending me text messages
Jennifer, 32, from texas asks:
I met a guy that's divorced and had a bad relationship after the divorce. We started to date each other and when things started to take off, he backed up. He didn't disappear, he kept sending me text messages. We've talked and he says he wasn't ready for the relationship and it had nothing to do with me. We now hang out on occasion and it's not just about friends with benefits but we do things together. He adjusts his schedule to make time to see me, but not often. Trying to figure out if it really is about avoiding the commitment?
VictorM's advice:
It's about getting the most from you and giving back as little as possible. And he's succeeding. Whether you like it or not, you are just a friend with benefits. Don't believe me? Stop the benefits and see what happens.
Any sensible guy will avoid commitment with a girl if he doesn't think she's "it". But hey, he won't turn down benefits.
I met a guy that's divorced and had a bad relationship after the divorce. We started to date each other and when things started to take off, he backed up. He didn't disappear, he kept sending me text messages. We've talked and he says he wasn't ready for the relationship and it had nothing to do with me. We now hang out on occasion and it's not just about friends with benefits but we do things together. He adjusts his schedule to make time to see me, but not often. Trying to figure out if it really is about avoiding the commitment?
VictorM's advice:
It's about getting the most from you and giving back as little as possible. And he's succeeding. Whether you like it or not, you are just a friend with benefits. Don't believe me? Stop the benefits and see what happens.
Any sensible guy will avoid commitment with a girl if he doesn't think she's "it". But hey, he won't turn down benefits.
Labels: commitment, friends with benefits, relationship
