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Monday, April 02, 2007
I wasn't happy
Bek, 14, from TX, asks:
My cousin and I have been REALLY close since we 1st met when I was 3. Now, she's 15, and has a boyfriend. Thing is, he used to...and still does, like me. Since they've been going out, he's flirted with me non-stop. They were both thinkin about breaking up because they hadn't really talked to each other since they started going out, but Wednesday, he barely talked to her and she was freaking out saying that she didn't wanna break up with him now. After a while, they worked things out....but I wasn't happy. I had been hoping that they would go ahead and break up. I'm thinking, either I'm jealous of her, or I'm pissed because she always talks about her boyfriend. What in the world am I gonna do? I don't even feel like I wanna be around her...or her boyfriend because of the simple fact that both of us might start flirting......:S
VictorM's advice:
You're jealous of her. That's an intuitive reaction that you can't help feeling. It's understandable why you feel the way you do. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to fight what you do about it. If you and her are so close, you should try to rise above your selfish feelings and focus on her happiness.
For now, try to keep a little distance from her, specially if he's going to be around. The odds are you won't have to do this that long because sooner rather than later they will break-up. After all, a guy who flirts as much as he does isn't going to stick with one girl too long. And they have already been on the ropes.
Bottom line: don't think just of yourself; that's not what good friends do.
My cousin and I have been REALLY close since we 1st met when I was 3. Now, she's 15, and has a boyfriend. Thing is, he used to...and still does, like me. Since they've been going out, he's flirted with me non-stop. They were both thinkin about breaking up because they hadn't really talked to each other since they started going out, but Wednesday, he barely talked to her and she was freaking out saying that she didn't wanna break up with him now. After a while, they worked things out....but I wasn't happy. I had been hoping that they would go ahead and break up. I'm thinking, either I'm jealous of her, or I'm pissed because she always talks about her boyfriend. What in the world am I gonna do? I don't even feel like I wanna be around her...or her boyfriend because of the simple fact that both of us might start flirting......:S
VictorM's advice:
You're jealous of her. That's an intuitive reaction that you can't help feeling. It's understandable why you feel the way you do. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to fight what you do about it. If you and her are so close, you should try to rise above your selfish feelings and focus on her happiness.
For now, try to keep a little distance from her, specially if he's going to be around. The odds are you won't have to do this that long because sooner rather than later they will break-up. After all, a guy who flirts as much as he does isn't going to stick with one girl too long. And they have already been on the ropes.
Bottom line: don't think just of yourself; that's not what good friends do.
Labels: best friends, break-up, jealousy
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Out of the blue he breaks up with me
Megan, 17, from Arkansas asks:
I have a friend who used to be my boyfriend and when we were going out he told me that he loved me and that he was never going to break up with me then out of the blue he breaks up with me because he needs to do some "soul searching" or something but he says he still wants us to be together and he's calling me his best friend. I'm confused because before we started going out he knew exactly who he was and what he wanted in life then he starts going out with me and four months later needs to do his soul searching. What does it mean when a guy calls his ex-girlfriend his best friend and why would a guy all of a sudden need to do soul searching?
VictorM's answer:
This is painful to you but all too common and simple to explain: He started going out with you and felt strong feelings for you at the beginning. Then, with time, for reasons he probably doesn't even know himself, he realized you're not "the one" for him. It's that simple. So how do you break-up with a girl you realize you're not in love with but you still care for and wish her well? Most guys make up little white lies, like "soul searching", "need space", "it's not you, it's me", etc.
The bottom line is, once a guy says he wants to break-up, don't bother with what he says next. It's not that he's actually lying; it's just a mechanism to try to avoid hurting your feelings. And he says he wants to remain friends for the same reason. Most likely, in a short period of time he'll gravitate away from you. And that's a good thing. You and him need to go your separate ways now and start dating other people again.
You did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong. Life just happened to you both. That's all. Finding the right one who thinks you're his right one too is not easy, but it's important to try and get it right. It's a journey. You're on your way. Keep going. And don't settle. Don't ever just settle.
I have a friend who used to be my boyfriend and when we were going out he told me that he loved me and that he was never going to break up with me then out of the blue he breaks up with me because he needs to do some "soul searching" or something but he says he still wants us to be together and he's calling me his best friend. I'm confused because before we started going out he knew exactly who he was and what he wanted in life then he starts going out with me and four months later needs to do his soul searching. What does it mean when a guy calls his ex-girlfriend his best friend and why would a guy all of a sudden need to do soul searching?
VictorM's answer:
This is painful to you but all too common and simple to explain: He started going out with you and felt strong feelings for you at the beginning. Then, with time, for reasons he probably doesn't even know himself, he realized you're not "the one" for him. It's that simple. So how do you break-up with a girl you realize you're not in love with but you still care for and wish her well? Most guys make up little white lies, like "soul searching", "need space", "it's not you, it's me", etc.
The bottom line is, once a guy says he wants to break-up, don't bother with what he says next. It's not that he's actually lying; it's just a mechanism to try to avoid hurting your feelings. And he says he wants to remain friends for the same reason. Most likely, in a short period of time he'll gravitate away from you. And that's a good thing. You and him need to go your separate ways now and start dating other people again.
You did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong. Life just happened to you both. That's all. Finding the right one who thinks you're his right one too is not easy, but it's important to try and get it right. It's a journey. You're on your way. Keep going. And don't settle. Don't ever just settle.
Labels: break-up, ex-boyfriend, falling out of love, out of the blue
Monday, January 29, 2007
5 year relationship
Diana, 51, from Florida asks:
We have been in a 5 year relationship, living in separate homes but across the street from each other. I have a 12 year old daughter, he has no children. (He is 59) we have had our ups and downs but always felt true soul mates with this man and he with me. He had been caught in the past with saying he was working but seeing another "friend". Fessed up and said he was tempted with an ex, but never did anything. It broke my trust some though, but got over it and we went on. I believe it has lingered with me and our arguments start coming more frequent ruining our "alone weekends" over crazy things. In a nutshell I wondered whether he would always be there for me and he thought that I did not truly love him! (The actual truth is that we both were 100% in love with each other but did not see it. Anyway after our last blow up over me saying something stupid, he is calling off the relationship. Said he hurts bad but better to get it over now and not wait for another ruined weekend. He has been miserable, me too. But he hates me so now. He said he believes I was so crafty all these years, leading him on. He tells me to hurry up and find someone so that he can too then, but he does not want to be the first one. He does not go anywhere, just stays home when not working (self employed) and watches tv... can't get motivated. His hurt is so bad that it has turned into pure hate for me. Tried to tell him that the "we" is worth fixing. You do not give up on how well we really get along and the things we both like together. Fact: Never ever cheated on him. ( we both are attractive people) Love him dearly. I know he does me too, however feeling dead inside. Are we hopeless? Has he been so hurt from his other relationships in the past he is giving up? He has been married 2 times, me never. One more fact and he knows this too, I am probably one of the nicest people around, will do anything for anyone... kind heart. Honest. Our quarrels happen after some cocktails.
VictorM's advice:
Stop drinking! Or drink alone.
You're both 100% in love with each other? Bullshit! People who are in love don't behave the way you do. He won't date someone else because he wants you to do that first? Are you freaking serious?! And then you said something stupid and the reaction of so called soul-mates is to break-up? Does this make any sense to you? It doesn't to me.
Is there any hope for you two? I doubt it. If by age 59 and 51 you still waste your time with such petty behavior, you don't value life and you don't value each other. You may be in your 50's but emotionally you're two dysfunctional teenagers.
Stop being so nice! Too nice can be annoying. Tell the old fart to stop acting like a child and behave like a man or fuck off! You're wasting the last few good years of your life away. Be assertive -- men like that!
We have been in a 5 year relationship, living in separate homes but across the street from each other. I have a 12 year old daughter, he has no children. (He is 59) we have had our ups and downs but always felt true soul mates with this man and he with me. He had been caught in the past with saying he was working but seeing another "friend". Fessed up and said he was tempted with an ex, but never did anything. It broke my trust some though, but got over it and we went on. I believe it has lingered with me and our arguments start coming more frequent ruining our "alone weekends" over crazy things. In a nutshell I wondered whether he would always be there for me and he thought that I did not truly love him! (The actual truth is that we both were 100% in love with each other but did not see it. Anyway after our last blow up over me saying something stupid, he is calling off the relationship. Said he hurts bad but better to get it over now and not wait for another ruined weekend. He has been miserable, me too. But he hates me so now. He said he believes I was so crafty all these years, leading him on. He tells me to hurry up and find someone so that he can too then, but he does not want to be the first one. He does not go anywhere, just stays home when not working (self employed) and watches tv... can't get motivated. His hurt is so bad that it has turned into pure hate for me. Tried to tell him that the "we" is worth fixing. You do not give up on how well we really get along and the things we both like together. Fact: Never ever cheated on him. ( we both are attractive people) Love him dearly. I know he does me too, however feeling dead inside. Are we hopeless? Has he been so hurt from his other relationships in the past he is giving up? He has been married 2 times, me never. One more fact and he knows this too, I am probably one of the nicest people around, will do anything for anyone... kind heart. Honest. Our quarrels happen after some cocktails.
VictorM's advice:
Stop drinking! Or drink alone.
You're both 100% in love with each other? Bullshit! People who are in love don't behave the way you do. He won't date someone else because he wants you to do that first? Are you freaking serious?! And then you said something stupid and the reaction of so called soul-mates is to break-up? Does this make any sense to you? It doesn't to me.
Is there any hope for you two? I doubt it. If by age 59 and 51 you still waste your time with such petty behavior, you don't value life and you don't value each other. You may be in your 50's but emotionally you're two dysfunctional teenagers.
Stop being so nice! Too nice can be annoying. Tell the old fart to stop acting like a child and behave like a man or fuck off! You're wasting the last few good years of your life away. Be assertive -- men like that!
Labels: break-up, relationship
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Back together
amy, 24, from california asks:
My man and I just got back together after a two month split. We had been together for 3 years. He had been angry and distant since I cancelled our wedding. We seemed to acknowledge where we went wrong but now he is giving me mixed signals. Is he scared? Or did he just stop caring altogether?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? You cancelled the wedding and now you're wondering what he's feeling? If you don't know, I'd say you haven't acknowledge crap about what went wrong, you just think you have. There are no mixed signals -- he's just not sure about you. Nothing mixed about that.
My man and I just got back together after a two month split. We had been together for 3 years. He had been angry and distant since I cancelled our wedding. We seemed to acknowledge where we went wrong but now he is giving me mixed signals. Is he scared? Or did he just stop caring altogether?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? You cancelled the wedding and now you're wondering what he's feeling? If you don't know, I'd say you haven't acknowledge crap about what went wrong, you just think you have. There are no mixed signals -- he's just not sure about you. Nothing mixed about that.
Labels: advice, answer, break-up, mixed signals, wedding
