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Friday, March 23, 2007
Talk about his ex
Jenny, 33, from Texas asks:
Is it okay for a boyfriend to talk about his ex girlfriend quite often?
VictorM's answer:
It depends how often he talks about her, what he says, and how long ago their break-up was.
It's normal for him to want to talk about her because she was an important part of his life no matter how things ended. If the break-up was recent, the more common such talk is. If the break-up was years ago, then it means he's having a hard time letting go.
I'm not quite sure how to answer your question other than to say that under certain circumstances it is normal and nothing to worry about... for a while anyway. This can't go on for ever.
I'd also say that total silence about an ex is more worrisome; it means he's keeping it inside instead of getting her out of his system, which is what he's doing when he talks about her.
I suggest you let him babble about her for now. By letting him talk you'll get a better sense of when he's gotten her out of his system. That'll be when he stops talking about her.
However, if he talks in glowing terms about her, just rips his balls right off! :)
Is it okay for a boyfriend to talk about his ex girlfriend quite often?
VictorM's answer:
It depends how often he talks about her, what he says, and how long ago their break-up was.
It's normal for him to want to talk about her because she was an important part of his life no matter how things ended. If the break-up was recent, the more common such talk is. If the break-up was years ago, then it means he's having a hard time letting go.
I'm not quite sure how to answer your question other than to say that under certain circumstances it is normal and nothing to worry about... for a while anyway. This can't go on for ever.
I'd also say that total silence about an ex is more worrisome; it means he's keeping it inside instead of getting her out of his system, which is what he's doing when he talks about her.
I suggest you let him babble about her for now. By letting him talk you'll get a better sense of when he's gotten her out of his system. That'll be when he stops talking about her.
However, if he talks in glowing terms about her, just rips his balls right off! :)
Labels: boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, talking about ex
Thursday, March 22, 2007
What to do about a lazy boyfriend
Alisha, 21, from Athens, WV asks:
How do you get your boyfriend more involved in a girl's life? He is too lazy to do much of anything with me and he spends most of his time sleeping or on a computer and doesn't like spending time with me. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
You mean, besides dumping his lazy ass?
If I could motivate guys like your boyfriend I'd make a fortune, but I can't. However, you can try, provided you aren't too lazy yourself. It will require work and patience on your part.
Here's the plan: stop bothering him about his laziness. From today on start making plans to go out with your friends to movies, mall, parties, etc. Ask your boyfriend to come along. When he declines, say: "OK, honey, have a nice time", and go. When you come back, make sure you tell him how much fun it was, kiss him, be nice to him, ask him if he had a nice time. Continue to do this. Don't be afraid to include guys in the group of friends you go out with. If he gets angry, just keep telling him you'd prefer for him to come, but if he doesn't want to, you will not be stuck at home.
Maybe he will get the message and start going out with you, maybe he won't. But either way, you will have a much better idea of what kind of man he is.
But you have to realize one other thing. If you stay with him without seeing significant change, you are equally lazy. In fact, you're worse. At least he's satisfied sleeping and being on the computer; you're not. You really have more reason to make a change than he does. If you can't bring yourself up to dump him if he doesn't change, you're the bigger loser!
One other thing... consider that even of what I suggested works, you will most likely have to behave this way for the rest of your life. Do you really want that? Because the odds he'll ever change on his own are mighty slim. Think about that.
How do you get your boyfriend more involved in a girl's life? He is too lazy to do much of anything with me and he spends most of his time sleeping or on a computer and doesn't like spending time with me. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
You mean, besides dumping his lazy ass?
If I could motivate guys like your boyfriend I'd make a fortune, but I can't. However, you can try, provided you aren't too lazy yourself. It will require work and patience on your part.
Here's the plan: stop bothering him about his laziness. From today on start making plans to go out with your friends to movies, mall, parties, etc. Ask your boyfriend to come along. When he declines, say: "OK, honey, have a nice time", and go. When you come back, make sure you tell him how much fun it was, kiss him, be nice to him, ask him if he had a nice time. Continue to do this. Don't be afraid to include guys in the group of friends you go out with. If he gets angry, just keep telling him you'd prefer for him to come, but if he doesn't want to, you will not be stuck at home.
Maybe he will get the message and start going out with you, maybe he won't. But either way, you will have a much better idea of what kind of man he is.
But you have to realize one other thing. If you stay with him without seeing significant change, you are equally lazy. In fact, you're worse. At least he's satisfied sleeping and being on the computer; you're not. You really have more reason to make a change than he does. If you can't bring yourself up to dump him if he doesn't change, you're the bigger loser!
One other thing... consider that even of what I suggested works, you will most likely have to behave this way for the rest of your life. Do you really want that? Because the odds he'll ever change on his own are mighty slim. Think about that.
Labels: boyfriend, he's lazy, laziness
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I finally got him
Jessica, 18, from New York asks:
So I got with the guy I having been trying to get and I finally got him. Well, now we are having trust issues and it is all me. I mean, I have like no trust in him because of my past relationship and he gets pissed at me but he wants to work it out with me. He came out and told me how he felt about me before I felt about him. I don't know what to do. I love him and he loves me. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
I'm assuming your previous boyfriend cheated on you and now you don't trust the new guy because you fear the same thing will happen again. Is that right?
Well, as the saying goes, once biten, twice shy. It's understandable how you feel. On the other hand, the current guy has NOTHING to do with the previous one, so it's understandable if his patience runs out. Having a jealous partner is very draining.
I'm afraid I can't say anything that will change how you feel. You will continue to make his life unpleasant, he will eventually get fed up, you will break-up and you'll start the cycle all over again with another guy.
The sad part is you will never understand that being suspicious will NEVER stop a guy from cheating on you IF he wants to. All you're doing is training him to be more sneaky if he wants to cheat. And yes, many guys will cheat on their partners, many won't. A great accomplishment is not in knowing in advance which is which -- you will never know until it's too late; it's having the confidence to live a good life, treat your partner with respect, and accept that if he cheats on you, he, not you, is the loser. And that if he does, there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent it. NOTHING!
So I got with the guy I having been trying to get and I finally got him. Well, now we are having trust issues and it is all me. I mean, I have like no trust in him because of my past relationship and he gets pissed at me but he wants to work it out with me. He came out and told me how he felt about me before I felt about him. I don't know what to do. I love him and he loves me. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
I'm assuming your previous boyfriend cheated on you and now you don't trust the new guy because you fear the same thing will happen again. Is that right?
Well, as the saying goes, once biten, twice shy. It's understandable how you feel. On the other hand, the current guy has NOTHING to do with the previous one, so it's understandable if his patience runs out. Having a jealous partner is very draining.
I'm afraid I can't say anything that will change how you feel. You will continue to make his life unpleasant, he will eventually get fed up, you will break-up and you'll start the cycle all over again with another guy.
The sad part is you will never understand that being suspicious will NEVER stop a guy from cheating on you IF he wants to. All you're doing is training him to be more sneaky if he wants to cheat. And yes, many guys will cheat on their partners, many won't. A great accomplishment is not in knowing in advance which is which -- you will never know until it's too late; it's having the confidence to live a good life, treat your partner with respect, and accept that if he cheats on you, he, not you, is the loser. And that if he does, there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent it. NOTHING!
Labels: boyfriend, cheating, jealousy
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I have liked him forever
cass, 16, from Grove asks:
Let's see, I have been dating this guy for a year and three months but I have liked him forever. I am a junior in high school and he is a freshman in college. He has been gone for about 7 months and things have been going well but then he gave me his myspace password and stuff to get on and I found some messages to a girl calling her sexy. When I confronted him it really didn't bother him and he don't seem to care that I am having problems with this long distance relationship. He is not acting like himself. I don't think he has cheated on me yet but I do think he has thought about it. But he talks about our future a lot too. So I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
You're confused? So is he, I bet. He's away in college, most likely has strong feelings for you, but there's a whole new world around him. New friends, pressure to do more manly things, new girls around, parties... it's not easy for him either.
Is it possible that his comment to her means nothing? Yes, very possible. Guys often throw out those comments just for the hell of it. He gave you the password, so he's either stupid or innocent.
So what are you to do? I see only two options: either break-up with him if you can't handle the idea he might like someone else and can't cope with the distance, or trust him and make his life very pleasant when he talks to you. But giving him a hard time will just drive him away quicker.
Let's see, I have been dating this guy for a year and three months but I have liked him forever. I am a junior in high school and he is a freshman in college. He has been gone for about 7 months and things have been going well but then he gave me his myspace password and stuff to get on and I found some messages to a girl calling her sexy. When I confronted him it really didn't bother him and he don't seem to care that I am having problems with this long distance relationship. He is not acting like himself. I don't think he has cheated on me yet but I do think he has thought about it. But he talks about our future a lot too. So I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
You're confused? So is he, I bet. He's away in college, most likely has strong feelings for you, but there's a whole new world around him. New friends, pressure to do more manly things, new girls around, parties... it's not easy for him either.
Is it possible that his comment to her means nothing? Yes, very possible. Guys often throw out those comments just for the hell of it. He gave you the password, so he's either stupid or innocent.
So what are you to do? I see only two options: either break-up with him if you can't handle the idea he might like someone else and can't cope with the distance, or trust him and make his life very pleasant when he talks to you. But giving him a hard time will just drive him away quicker.
Labels: away at college, boyfriend, long distance relationship
Links to Incest Sites
Princess, 23, from USA asks:
I recently found 2 incest links bookmarked on my boyfriend of 5 month's Netscape bookmarks. Since 1 of the links is for an incest forum which is no longer in service, I believe that he saved those links before we met. Could my boyfriend have a disgusting fetish that I don't know about? And if so, how could I approach him about it without making it obvious that I didn't respect his privacy? I think I have a right to know.
VictorM's advice:
I agree that you have a right to know. But consider that it's possible he was acting out of curiosity, not a fetish. There may be other reasons, such as they were bookmarked by a friend. All I'm saying is, have an open mind as you address this.
Whether you like it or not, most guys have an adventuresome attitude about such things. For most guys, visiting such forums, or viewing porn, is no big deal. There is no emotional attachment to such actions. We view it, we move on. It's no big deal.
Incest, for whatever it's worth, is a common male fantasy. Watching twin sisters engaging in incest is often a joke in teen comedy movies. Do we expect it to happen? No. But males are wired to have very wild and far out fantasies.
If you are concerned that he might be interested in incest within his own family, of course I can't rule it out. I just don't know. But to make that jump based on this information is really far fetched. Like I said, fantasies with incest are very common precisely because they are not the norm in real life.
If you were using his computer with his permission than you didn't violate his privacy. But in any case, at this point, your peace of mind is much more important than his privacy. So ask him about the links. Just don't do it in an accusatory tone of voice. Give him all the benefit of the doubt and consider what I said above before you make a final judgment.
I recently found 2 incest links bookmarked on my boyfriend of 5 month's Netscape bookmarks. Since 1 of the links is for an incest forum which is no longer in service, I believe that he saved those links before we met. Could my boyfriend have a disgusting fetish that I don't know about? And if so, how could I approach him about it without making it obvious that I didn't respect his privacy? I think I have a right to know.
VictorM's advice:
I agree that you have a right to know. But consider that it's possible he was acting out of curiosity, not a fetish. There may be other reasons, such as they were bookmarked by a friend. All I'm saying is, have an open mind as you address this.
Whether you like it or not, most guys have an adventuresome attitude about such things. For most guys, visiting such forums, or viewing porn, is no big deal. There is no emotional attachment to such actions. We view it, we move on. It's no big deal.
Incest, for whatever it's worth, is a common male fantasy. Watching twin sisters engaging in incest is often a joke in teen comedy movies. Do we expect it to happen? No. But males are wired to have very wild and far out fantasies.
If you are concerned that he might be interested in incest within his own family, of course I can't rule it out. I just don't know. But to make that jump based on this information is really far fetched. Like I said, fantasies with incest are very common precisely because they are not the norm in real life.
If you were using his computer with his permission than you didn't violate his privacy. But in any case, at this point, your peace of mind is much more important than his privacy. So ask him about the links. Just don't do it in an accusatory tone of voice. Give him all the benefit of the doubt and consider what I said above before you make a final judgment.
Labels: boyfriend, incest, sexual fantasy
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Sex with another girl
amy, 24, from NY asks:
My boyfriend goes to college in MN and we won't see each other for about 5 months. We have been dating for 5 years. We have been talking about what if he wanted to have sex with someone up there. If he has sex with someone else I am scared that he will start to like the other girl? And why do guys want to have sex with different girls when they have someone?
VictorM's answer:
Guys like variety and they place no emotional attachment in the sex act. But if they have a partner, those wishes should not be acted upon. That's typically how it goes.
This is not the time for you to be a wuss. Tell him how you feel about that idea. If you go along with it, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's probably expecting you to put your foot down and say "no way!". Frankly, this shouldn't even be a topic of discussion.
Chances are that if he's going to start liking another girl, it will not be one with whom he has casual sex.
My boyfriend goes to college in MN and we won't see each other for about 5 months. We have been dating for 5 years. We have been talking about what if he wanted to have sex with someone up there. If he has sex with someone else I am scared that he will start to like the other girl? And why do guys want to have sex with different girls when they have someone?
VictorM's answer:
Guys like variety and they place no emotional attachment in the sex act. But if they have a partner, those wishes should not be acted upon. That's typically how it goes.
This is not the time for you to be a wuss. Tell him how you feel about that idea. If you go along with it, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's probably expecting you to put your foot down and say "no way!". Frankly, this shouldn't even be a topic of discussion.
Chances are that if he's going to start liking another girl, it will not be one with whom he has casual sex.
Labels: boyfriend, casual sex, girlfriend, sex with another girl
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I have claimed to be in love with him
Amanda, 18, from Jupiter, FL asks:
Hi. :] I have a boyfriend of 4 months, and I love him, and I have claimed to be in love with him. We both went through a lot of stuff to be together. But while we were in our talking stage I had many guy friends, and ended up liking one of them, his name is Mike. My boyfriend and Mike know each other and aren't friends but they are acquainted. For about 5 months while I was single, I started liking Mike. Even though I had no intentions of being with anyone except my current boyfriend, my feelings for Mike continued to grow. We hung out everyday, a group of us. (Him, me, his best friend, my best friend and many more). I always had fun, and I thought Mike was funny, and cute. We kissed a couple times and cuddled, but nothing pass that. He's a virgin, and has done nothing except kiss girl. He's never had an actual relationship, although he's older than I am. So about two months into me liking Mike, his best friend told me that Mike didn't like me. And of course I believed him. We all drifted apart for other reasons, and I gave up on Mike because I figured he didn't like me and I was wasting my time. Just recently, I saw Mike while I was out with my boyfriend the other day. He mentioned me coming to hang out with him and all my old friends and him missing me. Only this time when I looked at him, I saw him differently, and I think he felt the same way. I could actually take him seriously, and want to try a relationship with him. It turns out that Mike never said anything to his friend about not liking me. His friend made it all up because he didn't want us to get together. Mike just recently hung out with my bestfriend and a couple of our other friends and told her that he couldn't believe that his bestfriend had done that to him because he had liked me since the day we met. He was so mad that his bestfriend would screw him over like that. We've hung out a couple of times since, but nothing happened romantically, because I do have a boyfriend. So I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to approach him. If I should just talk to him about it, or wait to see if he talks to me. He's already admitted to me that he did liked me, and he knows that I liked him. I just don't know what to do because I still have a boyfriend. Please give me some advise on what to do! Thanks so much-Amanda
VictorM's advice:
You claim you're in love with your current boyfriend, but I don't believe it. Not only are you too interested in Mike but your language betrays you. Look: "I still have a boyfriend". The word "still" is a sign you're ready to move on. I bet you're only with him because he's a nice guy and you feel you owe him something.
Break-up with your current boyfriend and after you're single, hook up with Mike and see how it goes. If it works out, great, but if not, at least you won't wonder about it for the rest of your life. Regrets are the worst thing to carry into old age. You almost always regret what you don't do; you seldom regret what you do.
What are you still doing reading this? Stop reading and break-up with your boyfriend (well... maybe you'll want to wait till after Valentine's day).
Hi. :] I have a boyfriend of 4 months, and I love him, and I have claimed to be in love with him. We both went through a lot of stuff to be together. But while we were in our talking stage I had many guy friends, and ended up liking one of them, his name is Mike. My boyfriend and Mike know each other and aren't friends but they are acquainted. For about 5 months while I was single, I started liking Mike. Even though I had no intentions of being with anyone except my current boyfriend, my feelings for Mike continued to grow. We hung out everyday, a group of us. (Him, me, his best friend, my best friend and many more). I always had fun, and I thought Mike was funny, and cute. We kissed a couple times and cuddled, but nothing pass that. He's a virgin, and has done nothing except kiss girl. He's never had an actual relationship, although he's older than I am. So about two months into me liking Mike, his best friend told me that Mike didn't like me. And of course I believed him. We all drifted apart for other reasons, and I gave up on Mike because I figured he didn't like me and I was wasting my time. Just recently, I saw Mike while I was out with my boyfriend the other day. He mentioned me coming to hang out with him and all my old friends and him missing me. Only this time when I looked at him, I saw him differently, and I think he felt the same way. I could actually take him seriously, and want to try a relationship with him. It turns out that Mike never said anything to his friend about not liking me. His friend made it all up because he didn't want us to get together. Mike just recently hung out with my bestfriend and a couple of our other friends and told her that he couldn't believe that his bestfriend had done that to him because he had liked me since the day we met. He was so mad that his bestfriend would screw him over like that. We've hung out a couple of times since, but nothing happened romantically, because I do have a boyfriend. So I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to approach him. If I should just talk to him about it, or wait to see if he talks to me. He's already admitted to me that he did liked me, and he knows that I liked him. I just don't know what to do because I still have a boyfriend. Please give me some advise on what to do! Thanks so much-Amanda
VictorM's advice:
You claim you're in love with your current boyfriend, but I don't believe it. Not only are you too interested in Mike but your language betrays you. Look: "I still have a boyfriend". The word "still" is a sign you're ready to move on. I bet you're only with him because he's a nice guy and you feel you owe him something.
Break-up with your current boyfriend and after you're single, hook up with Mike and see how it goes. If it works out, great, but if not, at least you won't wonder about it for the rest of your life. Regrets are the worst thing to carry into old age. You almost always regret what you don't do; you seldom regret what you do.
What are you still doing reading this? Stop reading and break-up with your boyfriend (well... maybe you'll want to wait till after Valentine's day).
Labels: advice, answer, best friends, boyfriend
Saturday, February 03, 2007
His friends like drinking, smoking, and paying for sex
Andy, 30, from asia asks:
Hi, I have been dating a man for three months now. One day, I went out with him and his friends to karaoke. I found all his friends like drinking, smoking, and paying for sex. One of his friends asked a lady to sit next to him and do all those kissing and touching things with tips for her after. My boyfriend is with me most of the time but will hang out with his buddy once in a while. I can't help and stop thinking that he will look for the hooker behind my back. He promises me he won't. And he promises me he will stop smoking. Actually he does hardly smoke now. How can I stop thinking that he wouldn't do things that will hurt me in my back? I know everyone needs friends and all those are his long time friends now. It is not right to ask him not to see them. Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Just because his friends behave that way doesn't mean he does. Even if he did before he met you, maybe he doesn't now. It's totally possible. But there's no guarantees he will not hurt you behind your back. These are the chances you take. You either trust him or you don't.
His choice of friends and what he thinks of them and their behavior is something you should take into consideration as you judge if he's the right man for you.
Hi, I have been dating a man for three months now. One day, I went out with him and his friends to karaoke. I found all his friends like drinking, smoking, and paying for sex. One of his friends asked a lady to sit next to him and do all those kissing and touching things with tips for her after. My boyfriend is with me most of the time but will hang out with his buddy once in a while. I can't help and stop thinking that he will look for the hooker behind my back. He promises me he won't. And he promises me he will stop smoking. Actually he does hardly smoke now. How can I stop thinking that he wouldn't do things that will hurt me in my back? I know everyone needs friends and all those are his long time friends now. It is not right to ask him not to see them. Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Just because his friends behave that way doesn't mean he does. Even if he did before he met you, maybe he doesn't now. It's totally possible. But there's no guarantees he will not hurt you behind your back. These are the chances you take. You either trust him or you don't.
His choice of friends and what he thinks of them and their behavior is something you should take into consideration as you judge if he's the right man for you.
Labels: best friends, boyfriend, trust
Sunday, January 28, 2007
You're Jessica and I'm Gene
Jessica, 26, from Fort Worth TX asks:
So I met a guy about two years ago at work. We became friends right off the start. Then around a year and a half ago he asked me to hang out. We ended up kissing, he would cuddle with me at night and we would stay up all night talking. Around a month later I finally instigated sex. Afterwards, I told him not to be weird around me at work, and I think that made him think I only wanted to be friends with benefits. Well, time goes on and we are always going somewhere like six flags with our kids, or to a game, or Shreveport always somewhere, and usually just the two of us. Last year we took about 6 months off, and now he has come back into my life again. We have been seeing each other for the last 8 months again. He just recently got full custody of his son, and now he brings him over to my house and we always involve him as well as my two kids. He calls almost every single day, wants to do my taxes, etc. I can tell he really cares about me, the problem is we haven't talked about "us". So the other night I brought it up and asked him what I was to him. His answer was you're Jessica and I'm Gene. I don't know if he didn't understand the question or simply trying to avoid it, so I went to sleep mad, and he knew it. He kissed me in the morning, but it hasn't been brought up since, but it really hurts my feelings that we can talk about everything, except when it comes to our relationship. As a guy what do you think is going on in his head? Do you think he still thinks of me as a friend or that he really does love me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
I wish someone would invent a pill to cure you females of this terrible affliction! You people are so suffocating with the getting mad and hurt feelings over nothing. Yes, NOTHING!
From your description he's very much into you. But after a break-up with the mother of his child, and getting custody of his son, he is in no rush to commit. His answer is simply a reflection of his attitude because of what has happened to him before, not a reflection of his feelings towards you now. There will come a time when he'll know in his head and heart whether you're the right one for him or not. At that point, he'll react and either commit to you or find an excuse to get out of your life. Until then, he's exploring life with you carefully. I'd say that's smart and you will benefit from it in the long run.
So, stop thinking the world revolves around you, enjoy the man's company, give him time to assess if you're the one, and thank your lucky stars you're not with a man who only thinks with his dick.
So I met a guy about two years ago at work. We became friends right off the start. Then around a year and a half ago he asked me to hang out. We ended up kissing, he would cuddle with me at night and we would stay up all night talking. Around a month later I finally instigated sex. Afterwards, I told him not to be weird around me at work, and I think that made him think I only wanted to be friends with benefits. Well, time goes on and we are always going somewhere like six flags with our kids, or to a game, or Shreveport always somewhere, and usually just the two of us. Last year we took about 6 months off, and now he has come back into my life again. We have been seeing each other for the last 8 months again. He just recently got full custody of his son, and now he brings him over to my house and we always involve him as well as my two kids. He calls almost every single day, wants to do my taxes, etc. I can tell he really cares about me, the problem is we haven't talked about "us". So the other night I brought it up and asked him what I was to him. His answer was you're Jessica and I'm Gene. I don't know if he didn't understand the question or simply trying to avoid it, so I went to sleep mad, and he knew it. He kissed me in the morning, but it hasn't been brought up since, but it really hurts my feelings that we can talk about everything, except when it comes to our relationship. As a guy what do you think is going on in his head? Do you think he still thinks of me as a friend or that he really does love me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
I wish someone would invent a pill to cure you females of this terrible affliction! You people are so suffocating with the getting mad and hurt feelings over nothing. Yes, NOTHING!
From your description he's very much into you. But after a break-up with the mother of his child, and getting custody of his son, he is in no rush to commit. His answer is simply a reflection of his attitude because of what has happened to him before, not a reflection of his feelings towards you now. There will come a time when he'll know in his head and heart whether you're the right one for him or not. At that point, he'll react and either commit to you or find an excuse to get out of your life. Until then, he's exploring life with you carefully. I'd say that's smart and you will benefit from it in the long run.
So, stop thinking the world revolves around you, enjoy the man's company, give him time to assess if you're the one, and thank your lucky stars you're not with a man who only thinks with his dick.
Labels: boyfriend, commitment
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Getting trust back
kaylaa, 23, from canada asks:
How do I make my boyfriend trust me again after I cheated on him?
VictorM's advice:
By finding a new boyfriend and not making the same mistake again.
But if you want to try with this guy, your best course of action is to forge ahead without talking any more about the past. I assume you already apologized and promised it would never happen again. If you continue to let him beat you over the head with it, he will, and the topic will stay fresh in your lives. That's not a good thing. So, stop talking about it! If he brings it up, tell him you already apologized, you already admitted you made a mistake, you have learned from it, and you just want to move on with your life with a fresh start. This is impossible if he keeps bringing it up. Tell him you're done talking about it. Be assertive!
Cheating is a sign of weakness. He wants to see strength in you -- show it by starting with him.
How do I make my boyfriend trust me again after I cheated on him?
VictorM's advice:
By finding a new boyfriend and not making the same mistake again.
But if you want to try with this guy, your best course of action is to forge ahead without talking any more about the past. I assume you already apologized and promised it would never happen again. If you continue to let him beat you over the head with it, he will, and the topic will stay fresh in your lives. That's not a good thing. So, stop talking about it! If he brings it up, tell him you already apologized, you already admitted you made a mistake, you have learned from it, and you just want to move on with your life with a fresh start. This is impossible if he keeps bringing it up. Tell him you're done talking about it. Be assertive!
Cheating is a sign of weakness. He wants to see strength in you -- show it by starting with him.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, cheat, trust
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
He's not romantic
jen, 23, from fl asks:
Why won't my boyfriend be romantic with me?
VictorM's answer:
Don't take it personally -- he probably isn't romantic with any girl. Many guys are like that.
Maybe you should explain to him what your definition of "romantic" is. See, it's possible that he thinks he's romantic, but whatever he's doing is not what you'd like done. Start with clear communication, without blame. See where it goes.
Why won't my boyfriend be romantic with me?
VictorM's answer:
Don't take it personally -- he probably isn't romantic with any girl. Many guys are like that.
Maybe you should explain to him what your definition of "romantic" is. See, it's possible that he thinks he's romantic, but whatever he's doing is not what you'd like done. Start with clear communication, without blame. See where it goes.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, romantic
Talking to Ex
Emma, 24, asks:
My boyfriend still talks to his ex once in a while. Is this ok?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, it's totally fine. It's actually a good thing. Ending a relationship without anger and rancor is good and a reflection of maturity and civility, qualities you should appreciate in him.
My boyfriend still talks to his ex once in a while. Is this ok?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, it's totally fine. It's actually a good thing. Ending a relationship without anger and rancor is good and a reflection of maturity and civility, qualities you should appreciate in him.
Labels: boyfriend, ex-girlfriend
Monday, January 22, 2007
Lied to protect him
sarah, 22, from uk asks:
My boyfriend wants me to convince him that not everything come out of my mouth is a lie. How can I convince him that it well be better this time? I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him because I lied to him three times only to protect him from getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Stop telling lies. Duh!
You need to establish a pattern of telling the truth for him to believe you. You can tell him you learned from your mistakes and won't do it again, but that would be a lie -- the truth is you will lie again. Why? Because unless and until you learn to face the consequences of unpleasant truths your first impulse will be to lie.
You may stand a better chance at explaining why you lie and it's never with malice, but you will work on it. But if he's not mature enough to understand that you'll be a work in progress, you two are in for some rough times.
My boyfriend wants me to convince him that not everything come out of my mouth is a lie. How can I convince him that it well be better this time? I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him because I lied to him three times only to protect him from getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Stop telling lies. Duh!
You need to establish a pattern of telling the truth for him to believe you. You can tell him you learned from your mistakes and won't do it again, but that would be a lie -- the truth is you will lie again. Why? Because unless and until you learn to face the consequences of unpleasant truths your first impulse will be to lie.
You may stand a better chance at explaining why you lie and it's never with malice, but you will work on it. But if he's not mature enough to understand that you'll be a work in progress, you two are in for some rough times.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend, lies, lying
Friday, January 12, 2007
Grumpy and sometimes unpleasant
Alicia, 20, from Florida asks:
Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. I love him with all of my heart, but for about a year now (since he had to emigrate for me) he's really become grumpy and sometimes unpleasant to be around. He no longer seems to be driven to do anything romantic or make me feel special in any way. I keep on trying, like taking him out to dinner or planning special evenings...but I never get anything in return. I feel as though I just try and try and try...but in the end it seems as though I'm pushing for nothing. I've tried speaking to him about it, and he promises to make an effort, but it has been a year and he hasn't. Even our sex life has decreased drastically. I don't think I am an unattractive girl at all, and I feel as though I deserve more, but I'm not sure what else to do...please give me some testosteronial advice!
VictorM's advice:
You're trying too hard and with the wrong person. As long as you make a stink over him, he gets lazier and more secure about the relationship. You need to jolt him out of this sense of stability. Don't make an issue of his behavior for a while. Instead, go out more often with friends, dress up a little sexier when you go out without him, etc. The only way he might snap out of this rut is if he feels he's losing you. Don't be rude, don't be cold, greet him with smiles, but be a little more distant, spend more time without him and mention how much fun you had each time you go out.
Try it for a while -- it'll work... or your money back.
Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. I love him with all of my heart, but for about a year now (since he had to emigrate for me) he's really become grumpy and sometimes unpleasant to be around. He no longer seems to be driven to do anything romantic or make me feel special in any way. I keep on trying, like taking him out to dinner or planning special evenings...but I never get anything in return. I feel as though I just try and try and try...but in the end it seems as though I'm pushing for nothing. I've tried speaking to him about it, and he promises to make an effort, but it has been a year and he hasn't. Even our sex life has decreased drastically. I don't think I am an unattractive girl at all, and I feel as though I deserve more, but I'm not sure what else to do...please give me some testosteronial advice!
VictorM's advice:
You're trying too hard and with the wrong person. As long as you make a stink over him, he gets lazier and more secure about the relationship. You need to jolt him out of this sense of stability. Don't make an issue of his behavior for a while. Instead, go out more often with friends, dress up a little sexier when you go out without him, etc. The only way he might snap out of this rut is if he feels he's losing you. Don't be rude, don't be cold, greet him with smiles, but be a little more distant, spend more time without him and mention how much fun you had each time you go out.
Try it for a while -- it'll work... or your money back.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, lazy, relationship
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Trust issues with men
Cary, 32, from Chicago, IL asks:
I have been dating this guy for four (4) months, and I had explained that I had trust issues with men in the past and was going to therapy and trying to change my ways. I did accept the fact that he has a close female friend, which did take some time, however, it was his ex-girlfriend that was the next problem for me. Until recently, he invited me over his place and had thirty pictures scattered on his bed, eight of which were of he and his girlfriend (one picture of himself touching her breast). I don't mind that he has pictures of her, but to have them scattered on his bed in bird's eye view, caught me off guard. Again, if he respected me, why didn't he put away the picture knowing I was coming over?
VictorM's answer:
Come on!!! This guy is rude to the core. You shouldn't accept that he has pictures of his ex around, much less spread out as you describe. The ex is gone and so should her pictures. Even if you had not told him about your issues, having those pictures out was plain stupid; but after what you told him, that was plain cruel.
This guy has a sadistic streak. I'm not kidding! Dump him or you're going to regret it many times over.
I have been dating this guy for four (4) months, and I had explained that I had trust issues with men in the past and was going to therapy and trying to change my ways. I did accept the fact that he has a close female friend, which did take some time, however, it was his ex-girlfriend that was the next problem for me. Until recently, he invited me over his place and had thirty pictures scattered on his bed, eight of which were of he and his girlfriend (one picture of himself touching her breast). I don't mind that he has pictures of her, but to have them scattered on his bed in bird's eye view, caught me off guard. Again, if he respected me, why didn't he put away the picture knowing I was coming over?
VictorM's answer:
Come on!!! This guy is rude to the core. You shouldn't accept that he has pictures of his ex around, much less spread out as you describe. The ex is gone and so should her pictures. Even if you had not told him about your issues, having those pictures out was plain stupid; but after what you told him, that was plain cruel.
This guy has a sadistic streak. I'm not kidding! Dump him or you're going to regret it many times over.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, pictures
We've come to a bit of a stand still
Danielle, 19, from NY asks:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about half a year now. I would classify it as a serious relationship, as we have talked about the future and everything. In the beginning of the relationship things were awesome, we were so in love, you know the deal. But I would say the past two months we've come to a bit of a stand still. He doesn't really take me out anymore, most of our time spent together is at home, he doesn't put in the effort and do those little things that he used to in the beginning etc, He's occasionally too tired to get physical. So the other day I had a talk with him, about maybe taking a break in our relationship. I thought maybe he was avoiding the talk because he didn't want to hurt me. Basically he freaked and said the thought of breaking up with me had never crossed his mind...Now he thinks that something is going on with me, or there is another guy involved "because this came out of nowhere." We are patching things up as I write this, so I'm pretty sure things will be okay but...I guess my question is what the hell should I think of this? Is this something that happens in all relationships? I wouldn't really know I guess. Does it get better, and is there a way to get past it? Basically I just don't know what to think about this confusing guy behavior. Insight appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
What's happening, unfortunately is far too common. Guys are notorious for getting lazy once they feel secure in the relationship. It's not a matter of being less in love, it's just they feel no need to keep working at it. Some guys get like this in months, same in years, but far too many get there sooner or later.
But just because it's common it doesn't mean you should settle for it. With such guys, the women need to keep lighting a fire under their lazy asses, trade the guy for another and hope the new one is better -- most often he isn't, or they can anticipate being unhappy.
What you do is up to you, but if you want to keep trying with this guy, let him think whatever he wants about the reason you brought this up. If he's not so secure in this relationship, he might realize he needs to work for you. Don't go out of your way to make him jealous, but make him wonder why you're wearing more perfume to work, or more make-up when going shopping. The problem is, you're likely to have to keep it up for the rest of your life unless this guy has some epiphany. Guys seldom get better at this; most often, it gets worse.
Just keep in mind that laziness, if not reversed, is an irreconcilable difference.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about half a year now. I would classify it as a serious relationship, as we have talked about the future and everything. In the beginning of the relationship things were awesome, we were so in love, you know the deal. But I would say the past two months we've come to a bit of a stand still. He doesn't really take me out anymore, most of our time spent together is at home, he doesn't put in the effort and do those little things that he used to in the beginning etc, He's occasionally too tired to get physical. So the other day I had a talk with him, about maybe taking a break in our relationship. I thought maybe he was avoiding the talk because he didn't want to hurt me. Basically he freaked and said the thought of breaking up with me had never crossed his mind...Now he thinks that something is going on with me, or there is another guy involved "because this came out of nowhere." We are patching things up as I write this, so I'm pretty sure things will be okay but...I guess my question is what the hell should I think of this? Is this something that happens in all relationships? I wouldn't really know I guess. Does it get better, and is there a way to get past it? Basically I just don't know what to think about this confusing guy behavior. Insight appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
What's happening, unfortunately is far too common. Guys are notorious for getting lazy once they feel secure in the relationship. It's not a matter of being less in love, it's just they feel no need to keep working at it. Some guys get like this in months, same in years, but far too many get there sooner or later.
But just because it's common it doesn't mean you should settle for it. With such guys, the women need to keep lighting a fire under their lazy asses, trade the guy for another and hope the new one is better -- most often he isn't, or they can anticipate being unhappy.
What you do is up to you, but if you want to keep trying with this guy, let him think whatever he wants about the reason you brought this up. If he's not so secure in this relationship, he might realize he needs to work for you. Don't go out of your way to make him jealous, but make him wonder why you're wearing more perfume to work, or more make-up when going shopping. The problem is, you're likely to have to keep it up for the rest of your life unless this guy has some epiphany. Guys seldom get better at this; most often, it gets worse.
Just keep in mind that laziness, if not reversed, is an irreconcilable difference.
Labels: boyfriend, irreconcilable difference, lazy
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
I am scared my boyfriend is judging me
Sandy, 27, from Indio Ca asks:
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months and so far its been great. Although, three weeks ago I left my job because of personal reasons and now I am scared my boyfriend is judging me because I'm unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to be in this situation for a long time. It just takes time to find a decent job you like. He rarely tells me anything about me being unemployed but I sense he feels that he is dating an irresponsible lady. Another reason that makes me feel this way is because I visited his parents for Christmas and I had to confess that I was unemployed and it was very scary. After I told this it felt that they were too judging me. I'm I over reacting?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, you are overreacting. Women are the ones that judge a man based on his ability as a provider. It's not in the guys' genes to think that way. Besides, quiting one job for another is something that people do all the time. Some stay in their jobs until they find another job, some quit first and look after. It's no big deal.
You should stop saying that you're unemployed. Do like the government does -- if you're not collecting unemployment compensation, you're not unemployed. You're just looking for your next job.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months and so far its been great. Although, three weeks ago I left my job because of personal reasons and now I am scared my boyfriend is judging me because I'm unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to be in this situation for a long time. It just takes time to find a decent job you like. He rarely tells me anything about me being unemployed but I sense he feels that he is dating an irresponsible lady. Another reason that makes me feel this way is because I visited his parents for Christmas and I had to confess that I was unemployed and it was very scary. After I told this it felt that they were too judging me. I'm I over reacting?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, you are overreacting. Women are the ones that judge a man based on his ability as a provider. It's not in the guys' genes to think that way. Besides, quiting one job for another is something that people do all the time. Some stay in their jobs until they find another job, some quit first and look after. It's no big deal.
You should stop saying that you're unemployed. Do like the government does -- if you're not collecting unemployment compensation, you're not unemployed. You're just looking for your next job.
Labels: boyfriend, unemployed
Monday, January 01, 2007
He's great but can't trust him
deezy, 17, from texas asks:
If you have a boyfriend and he's great but like never really shows he cares but always says it and you can't seem to make him happy and like you know he's great but you're not sure if you can trust him, what do you think of him?
VictorM's advice:
I think nothing of him because you don't provide enough information, but I have to wonder about you. If your lack of trust is justified then he's not so great as you say; if your lack of trust isn't justified, then you're an insecure girl and not qualified to judge whether he's great or not.
I don't know what you mean but he "never really shows he cares." My guess is he doesn't know what you mean either. I bet you have your own little secret vision of what a perfect boyfriend would do and say and this poor guy hasn't been able to read your mind and do exactly what you'd like him to do.
If you have a boyfriend and he's great but like never really shows he cares but always says it and you can't seem to make him happy and like you know he's great but you're not sure if you can trust him, what do you think of him?
VictorM's advice:
I think nothing of him because you don't provide enough information, but I have to wonder about you. If your lack of trust is justified then he's not so great as you say; if your lack of trust isn't justified, then you're an insecure girl and not qualified to judge whether he's great or not.
I don't know what you mean but he "never really shows he cares." My guess is he doesn't know what you mean either. I bet you have your own little secret vision of what a perfect boyfriend would do and say and this poor guy hasn't been able to read your mind and do exactly what you'd like him to do.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
My boyfriend hasn't worked in 2 years
Connie, 28, from Washington asks:
My boyfriend hasn't worked in 2 years. He plays his PS2 games all day, looks at porn, chats in forums and occasionally cleans the house. When I come home from work he is most of the time attentive and loving. Sometimes he will stay up all night and sleep all day. I have accepted that he will probably never work unless I kick him out. My question is: I am happy with the situation but should I be?
VictorM's advice:
If the roles were reversed, meaning you stayed home and he worked, no one would even bat an eye. You're happy. What's wrong with being happy? Why should anyone else have any say in it? To quote a famous song: don't worry, be happy.
My boyfriend hasn't worked in 2 years. He plays his PS2 games all day, looks at porn, chats in forums and occasionally cleans the house. When I come home from work he is most of the time attentive and loving. Sometimes he will stay up all night and sleep all day. I have accepted that he will probably never work unless I kick him out. My question is: I am happy with the situation but should I be?
VictorM's advice:
If the roles were reversed, meaning you stayed home and he worked, no one would even bat an eye. You're happy. What's wrong with being happy? Why should anyone else have any say in it? To quote a famous song: don't worry, be happy.
Labels: boyfriend, stay at home
Thursday, December 28, 2006
He will act really annoyed with me sometimes
Elizabeth, 28, from California asks:
My boyfriend does this thing where he will act really annoyed with me sometimes, and then act surprised when I realize that I don't want to be around him when he's like that and leave. It's like he honestly doesn't know he's doing it. What annoys me most is that I know if his friends were there (and this includes his best friend who is a girl) he would NEVER do that to them. I have brought this up and he just says that it is because he is more "comfortable" with them. I am on the verge of dumping him, and just when I think I am ready to I realize that I'm acting like a jerk and feel like I can take it again.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not so sure that the level of comfort with his friends is the reason he doesn't do it with them. The issues facing best friends and a romantic partner are quite different. Guys don't plan a future with friends, and their friends need not be as perfect as the woman with whom they plan to raise a family and spend the rest of their lives. With you, there's a lot more at stake.
His annoyance could be a a reflection of something that's not quite right -- could be with you, with work, with his favorite sports team -- but he's compelled to share it with you, and he does it just like a 4 year old would. Unless he does if too often and for long periods of time, how bad can it be? When it happens, walk away in amusement recognizing he's dealing with his inner child. Go get a manicure, go shopping, pay your bills, etc. In time, he'll learn that acting annoyed gets him nowhere.
Train him... like a puppy.
My boyfriend does this thing where he will act really annoyed with me sometimes, and then act surprised when I realize that I don't want to be around him when he's like that and leave. It's like he honestly doesn't know he's doing it. What annoys me most is that I know if his friends were there (and this includes his best friend who is a girl) he would NEVER do that to them. I have brought this up and he just says that it is because he is more "comfortable" with them. I am on the verge of dumping him, and just when I think I am ready to I realize that I'm acting like a jerk and feel like I can take it again.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not so sure that the level of comfort with his friends is the reason he doesn't do it with them. The issues facing best friends and a romantic partner are quite different. Guys don't plan a future with friends, and their friends need not be as perfect as the woman with whom they plan to raise a family and spend the rest of their lives. With you, there's a lot more at stake.
His annoyance could be a a reflection of something that's not quite right -- could be with you, with work, with his favorite sports team -- but he's compelled to share it with you, and he does it just like a 4 year old would. Unless he does if too often and for long periods of time, how bad can it be? When it happens, walk away in amusement recognizing he's dealing with his inner child. Go get a manicure, go shopping, pay your bills, etc. In time, he'll learn that acting annoyed gets him nowhere.
Train him... like a puppy.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
What's his problem?
josie, 17, from texas asks:
This guy started to like me and I wasn't really ready to get into a relationship, but then he won me over. And we started talking and hanging out and he was like I think I am falling in love with you. Then we officially started to go out and the next day he says I'm childish and wants to break up so I'm like completely at a loss but I'm like OK. So he texts me and says I still love you and I wanna be friends. I say OK so I give an ex boyfriend of mine a ride home and the guy that just broke up with me gets all angry at me and he says I did him wrong by giving my old ex a ride and he says that we did it and I say no we didn't, it was just a ride and he says the real reason he broke up with me was because we will be graduating in 4 months and he doesn't want to get hurt but he still loves me so I'm like if you loved me you would believe me when I say nothing happened and try to work it out..forget about graduate and lets just enjoy it now, so then we start to hang out again and a couple of days later he is avoiding me again! So is he just playing mind games with me a never cared like he said he did or what do you think is his problem?
VictorM's advice:
I think he loves you, like a child loves a toy kinda thing. I don't believe he's playing mind games; he's just a child not yet ready for a relationship. His insecurity and his changing his mind just mean this boy is more ready for a game of Parcheesi than he is to have a girlfriend. Who knows, when he grows up he might be OK, but right now you're wasting your time with him.
Give him a lollipop and send him home to mommy.
This guy started to like me and I wasn't really ready to get into a relationship, but then he won me over. And we started talking and hanging out and he was like I think I am falling in love with you. Then we officially started to go out and the next day he says I'm childish and wants to break up so I'm like completely at a loss but I'm like OK. So he texts me and says I still love you and I wanna be friends. I say OK so I give an ex boyfriend of mine a ride home and the guy that just broke up with me gets all angry at me and he says I did him wrong by giving my old ex a ride and he says that we did it and I say no we didn't, it was just a ride and he says the real reason he broke up with me was because we will be graduating in 4 months and he doesn't want to get hurt but he still loves me so I'm like if you loved me you would believe me when I say nothing happened and try to work it out..forget about graduate and lets just enjoy it now, so then we start to hang out again and a couple of days later he is avoiding me again! So is he just playing mind games with me a never cared like he said he did or what do you think is his problem?
VictorM's advice:
I think he loves you, like a child loves a toy kinda thing. I don't believe he's playing mind games; he's just a child not yet ready for a relationship. His insecurity and his changing his mind just mean this boy is more ready for a game of Parcheesi than he is to have a girlfriend. Who knows, when he grows up he might be OK, but right now you're wasting your time with him.
Give him a lollipop and send him home to mommy.
Labels: boyfriend, childish, insecure
Friday, December 22, 2006
He admitted to being on the phone with another girl
Kayla, 19, from Montreal asks:
My boyfriend and I get along real good. And we talk to each other every night before going to bed. It's become a habit for us. But on my way home from work tonight, I called to talk to him while riding the bus. He said he had to do something and would call me back in 5 minutes. And when he says that, he does. An hour later, he still hasn't called. Half hour later I called him again and find out that for the past 1 1/2 hour he's been talking to a girl he goes to school with, while I've been trying to talk to him. I asked him to get off the phone with her so I can talk to him. Seeing as how he would be seeing that girl the next day at school anyways. He didn't exactly do it but the girl eventually hung after being put on hold. When I told him how I didn't quite like that and calmed down after getting upset about, we started talking. Out of nowhere he had asked me to do something out of the ordinary and I realized he was "excited". I got curious and asked him what was he talking to that girl about. He admitted to being on the phone with another girl talking about sex! Sex was the important thing he had to talk about. Then says that he doesn't see what the problem is. Am I wrong for being upset at him for talking to another girl about sex while I was trying to talk to him?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not wrong about being upset. You're only wrong that you didn't yank if penis right off his body and shoved it down his throat. I think many women would have done it.
I can imagine him getting carried away with the conversation about sex even if he had no ill intentions, but there is no doubt that he's entering into a world of intimacy with that girl that is troubling. Not to say anything will happen between them, but they are closer to it than a guy with a girlfriend should be with a school mate.
He was wrong in so any ways and he should apologise to you. If he doesn't... get a pair of pliers ready!
My boyfriend and I get along real good. And we talk to each other every night before going to bed. It's become a habit for us. But on my way home from work tonight, I called to talk to him while riding the bus. He said he had to do something and would call me back in 5 minutes. And when he says that, he does. An hour later, he still hasn't called. Half hour later I called him again and find out that for the past 1 1/2 hour he's been talking to a girl he goes to school with, while I've been trying to talk to him. I asked him to get off the phone with her so I can talk to him. Seeing as how he would be seeing that girl the next day at school anyways. He didn't exactly do it but the girl eventually hung after being put on hold. When I told him how I didn't quite like that and calmed down after getting upset about, we started talking. Out of nowhere he had asked me to do something out of the ordinary and I realized he was "excited". I got curious and asked him what was he talking to that girl about. He admitted to being on the phone with another girl talking about sex! Sex was the important thing he had to talk about. Then says that he doesn't see what the problem is. Am I wrong for being upset at him for talking to another girl about sex while I was trying to talk to him?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not wrong about being upset. You're only wrong that you didn't yank if penis right off his body and shoved it down his throat. I think many women would have done it.
I can imagine him getting carried away with the conversation about sex even if he had no ill intentions, but there is no doubt that he's entering into a world of intimacy with that girl that is troubling. Not to say anything will happen between them, but they are closer to it than a guy with a girlfriend should be with a school mate.
He was wrong in so any ways and he should apologise to you. If he doesn't... get a pair of pliers ready!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Boyfriend turns his cellphone off
Denise, 49, asks:
My boyfriend turns his cellphone off whenever he's with me. Prior to us dating he was in a previous relationship and he was living with his ex-girlfriend, he was doing the same thing. What advice can you give me.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a very nice thing for him to do. It seems he doesn't want to be bothered when he's with you.
If you're suspicious of that, you have a problem relationship already.
My boyfriend turns his cellphone off whenever he's with me. Prior to us dating he was in a previous relationship and he was living with his ex-girlfriend, he was doing the same thing. What advice can you give me.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a very nice thing for him to do. It seems he doesn't want to be bothered when he's with you.
If you're suspicious of that, you have a problem relationship already.
Labels: boyfriend, phone call
Saturday, December 09, 2006
He disappeared for a week
Zoe, 21, from Maryland asks:
We've been dating for almost 2 months. He disappeared for a week because he says he's depressed. Here's the story: I met this guy online, and we really hit it off. Unfortunately we live kinda far, about 3 hours from each other. We talked for a good two weeks before we met. We met, had a great weekend, and we did have sex. Afterwards when he left, things were great too. Phone calls kept coming in like normal and everything. He did tell me he is prone to bouts of clinical depression. Even at one point where he got really busy, he did call me to let me know that even though he's been running around, he's still thinking of me and NOT trying to ignore me. And I appreciated that. Communication kept going strong.
I went to visit him a month later. First night everything was cool! I met and hung out with the parents and all his friends and he was happy to see me. Things were great and dandy but later in the weekend... he seemed different. Energy was gone, and at one point he even got the flu. We did not have sex that weekend, although I wanted to, after his energy drain he didn't seem to be into it. Both people have to enjoy it. We talk briefly about what's happening and he says that he still likes me.
Come Monday I leave, I get home and call to say I'm alright. I don't hear from him for a few days, and Wednesday I catch him online for 5 minutes and he's saying he's hit rock bottom. So I still don't hear from him for a while and send him an email Saturday. We talk Monday morning and Tuesday night (via the phone) to discuss this problem. In short he said, " I really like you, not just physically, but also has a human being. If this is too much for you to handle I understand." He's doing everything he can such as medication and therapy. Things at home really blow for him. I also offered to give him space.
Here are some things that ALSO kinda worry me:
a) he never changed his relationship status across his accounts.
b) I don't care about anything else but on the dating site he's even updated the profile, and added new photos.
What gives? We even talked about this once before and he said he'd change it. I don't think I should have to remind him (again) to do so, but at the same time maybe I need to chill out a bit. It's only been 2 months.
My plan is to take a few steps back give him space. What do you think? What's up with this guy? He was a different person when we met! I miss that guy.
VictorM's advice:
The novelty wore off. His desire for new conquests exceeds the desire for you. Guys hate to give the that kind of news to the girl, so they hide, stall, mince words, praise you, etc.
I don't think the depression is at play here because of the profile situation. He's looking to play the cyberspace field.
Give him space, sure, like a planet's worth of it, but don't expect anything to change. Meanwhile, look for a boyfriend who lives close by. Long distance relationships have very low odds of success.
We've been dating for almost 2 months. He disappeared for a week because he says he's depressed. Here's the story: I met this guy online, and we really hit it off. Unfortunately we live kinda far, about 3 hours from each other. We talked for a good two weeks before we met. We met, had a great weekend, and we did have sex. Afterwards when he left, things were great too. Phone calls kept coming in like normal and everything. He did tell me he is prone to bouts of clinical depression. Even at one point where he got really busy, he did call me to let me know that even though he's been running around, he's still thinking of me and NOT trying to ignore me. And I appreciated that. Communication kept going strong.
I went to visit him a month later. First night everything was cool! I met and hung out with the parents and all his friends and he was happy to see me. Things were great and dandy but later in the weekend... he seemed different. Energy was gone, and at one point he even got the flu. We did not have sex that weekend, although I wanted to, after his energy drain he didn't seem to be into it. Both people have to enjoy it. We talk briefly about what's happening and he says that he still likes me.
Come Monday I leave, I get home and call to say I'm alright. I don't hear from him for a few days, and Wednesday I catch him online for 5 minutes and he's saying he's hit rock bottom. So I still don't hear from him for a while and send him an email Saturday. We talk Monday morning and Tuesday night (via the phone) to discuss this problem. In short he said, " I really like you, not just physically, but also has a human being. If this is too much for you to handle I understand." He's doing everything he can such as medication and therapy. Things at home really blow for him. I also offered to give him space.
Here are some things that ALSO kinda worry me:
a) he never changed his relationship status across his accounts.
b) I don't care about anything else but on the dating site he's even updated the profile, and added new photos.
What gives? We even talked about this once before and he said he'd change it. I don't think I should have to remind him (again) to do so, but at the same time maybe I need to chill out a bit. It's only been 2 months.
My plan is to take a few steps back give him space. What do you think? What's up with this guy? He was a different person when we met! I miss that guy.
VictorM's advice:
The novelty wore off. His desire for new conquests exceeds the desire for you. Guys hate to give the that kind of news to the girl, so they hide, stall, mince words, praise you, etc.
I don't think the depression is at play here because of the profile situation. He's looking to play the cyberspace field.
Give him space, sure, like a planet's worth of it, but don't expect anything to change. Meanwhile, look for a boyfriend who lives close by. Long distance relationships have very low odds of success.
Labels: boyfriend, girlfriend, long distance relationship
