Law requiring counseling before marriage

[VictorM]

I saw this question today on USA Today:

Should couples considering marriage be required by law to have premarital counseling?

53% Disagree, 47% agree.

There was no other information, such as what type of counseling, for how long, what happens if they refuse, or what happens if a counselor finds them unfit. If anyone has more information of what this law would do, please post.

But purely based on the question itself, I disagree.

[passionberry-tango]

No, what I believe is couples considering marriage should be required by law to get individual counselling..seperate from eachother.  This way they can avoid a co-dependant affiliation as well as taking personal responsibility for their own issues/baggage instead of bringing it in to the marriage and dumping everything on their partner and possible future children.  If one can't have a good relationship with themselves, they won't have one with their partner.  The marriage will eventually become overloaded with pretense, resentment, bland indifference and....denial...

[Giltine]

I think this is bullshit. Everyone has baggage, and everyone has a past, be it a bad one or a good one.

Counselling isn't going to get rid of that, and counselling isn't going to get rid of problems that occur in the future, as divorce happens in the future, it isn't planned out in the engagement phase.

[Ellen]

I think that having couples engage in counselling before marriage would be a good thing. The only thing that I would oppose to is the cost of such an exercise. I think the government should subsidise this idea and feel that if individuals were given the opportunity to move into marriage with a better understanding of what marriage and comittment is all about then separation and dysfunction in the family unit maybe decreased. Obviously I don't think this will prevent divorce but I do believe that the couple would be more equipped with strategies and information on what to expect. Perhaps a more appropriate preparation would be to provide couple workshops for engaged couples to attend................ such experience surely can only be a positive thing?

[VictorM]

The question isn't whether premarital counseling would help or not, it's about it being LAW. That is, mandated, supervised, and enforced by the government!

My question revolved around what would the law entail. Or if you want, what the law should entail. But if you want to discuss the "should" part, then provide some more details: how many sessions, by whom, at whose costs, what to do if the counselor finds the people unfit for marriage, etc. 

The more I think about the mere notion of it, the sillier this idea gets.

[Lee]

I don't see anything wrong with the idea of premarital counseling, but forcing people to do it is a little far-reaching for me.  The LAW already has its paws too far into our personal lives.  This is too much.

[Giltine]

Why should it be up to ANYONE else apart from the two involved in the marriage as to wether ot not they get married. Making it mandatory, gives me the idea that they can deny people of getting married.

If not, there would be no point to it at all, and if so, then I don't think I want to pay come counsellor rediculous amounts of money to tell me that I'll be a horrible wife because I don't stand up to this persons idea of a perfect wife. We aren't robots. People change, divorce happens.

It's not the end of the world, really.

[Musey]

The law sounds idiotic.  I am all for premarital counseling, but how would you enforce it?  Therapy is so much about emotions and feelings, you can't put a law on that.  And who is going to pay for the counseling, who's going to enforce it?  Who's going to ensure that everyone goes through the same type of counseling?

[why]

Soon they will want to have samples of your DNA to approve your ability to be compatible.

To mandate counseling will not be effective enough. It may even be counter productive to some at that phase.

 How about everyone just stay responsibly single and be happy. What is the need to get married? If it is for the benefit of the state then legislation should be modified so it's effective for both situations.

Sure seems to me that most people that are married don't seem all that happy about it anyways.

Don't start with " I am happy" I said MOST not all!

[passionberry-tango]

No, I don't think counseling should be the "law"...but if it were the law then it would be wiser to recieve that couseling seperatetly from the other instead of together.

You are in fact correct Giltine when you say most people have baggage.  This is percisely why it needs to be dealt with before entering a marriage and having children...(actually it should be done regardless of your marital status.)  Counseling is a tool to HELP get rid of baggage...the person recieving the counseling is the one that needs to do the most work.  And sadly many people don't bother with themselves, don't pay attention to themselves..they prefer to blame their partner for their own problems instead - because they haven't learned the concept of personal responsibility.

Furthermore, receiving counseling or working on yourself will help you make better choices when deciding on a mate...so you won't feel compelled to enter into an abusive realtionship in the first place - because you simply won't be attracted to unhealthy people.
 

[Giltine]

I can honestly say that I didn't know that my ex was insane until two years after living with each other in a marriage type environment (jsut without the piece of paper basically). How will counselling before this tell me if my partner will turn out to be abusive?

[passionberry-tango]

Because you weren't kind enough to yourself - you weren't acknowledging the negative signs (red flags) that he showed at the beginning...you overlooked them...denied them, because your need for a relationship outwieghed everything else...it blinded you.  But why?  Becuase, there was something in you, specific to yourself, that allowed you to continue even when you knew it was unwise.  He didn't become abusive overnight..I can bet you it was happening longer then you think it was - sometimes it's done in a really sneaky way where you may not have been able to conciously recognize it at the time.  Also, you willingly stayed even when he began to abuse you right?  Staying and trying to work it out with him for a time correct?  Why bother, he's manipulative.   

Counseling can't predict if your partner will be abusive, it will show you why you're attracted to abusive people....and why you attract them to you.  It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you...just means there's some unfinished business from your past... 

[Giltine]

Me going to counselling before I get married (by force I mean) would only proove to me that I'm probably not capable of being married without it all falling apart for one reason for another because I ALWAYS choose the wrong people. And yes, I know this is because of my past, I don't need a counselor to tell me my issues, as I am already aware of them. But that doesn't mean I'm going to put my life on hold. And I don't intend on forgetting the things that happened in the past, because they make me the person that I am, wether that's a good or a bad thing, and I expect my partener, if he is prepared to marry me, to accept that.

Wouldn't it be easier to created some fancy machine that finds your perfect partner for you, that'll lower the divorce rate

To me divorce isn't a big deal. It's not the end of the world. People live longer now. In the 1900's people only lived 50 years, so they would only be married for 20 or 30 years. Now people live to be 100, that's 80 years of being with the same person, and for alot of people, that's a scary concept.
People change. People fall out of love. Situations change. Husbands and wives go in different directions. That's life.

[passionberry-tango]

The divorce rate will be lowered dramatically when people decide to take personal responsibilty for their own issues and clean up there own back yard.  The sooner everyone does that the sooner this world will contain happier marriages.  If your not interested in facing your own demons, then you will attract and stay with someone with just as many..or maybe more....   

 

[Giltine]

And how exactly does one face their demons?

Maybe it's my ignorance on the subject showing, but how will talking to counsellor about my past, cause it to not effect me in my future relationships?

[passionberry-tango]

And how exactly does one face their demons?

Head on baby, head on!  Stare the fucker right in the eyes!  And DON"T deny no matter how uncomfortable.

A therapist will help bring things to light if you're unable to do it on your own.

[Giltine]

I've never been the kind of person to hide things from myself. I know what I'm feeling, why I feel it, how my past effects me now. I'm fully aware of everything that's in my brain, and a counsellor will tell me exactly what I want to know.

And how to do you face the past head on exactly? I mean, I could go smack my ex in the face, that'd make me feel better...but not exactly help anything

[Ellen]

I do not think that councelling should be compulsary, however our government spends our tax paying dollars in many other avenues including medical, overseas political trips etc perhaps they should inject a couple of million into providing workshops that couples can go to (own choice) before marriage which may prevent many marriage breakdowns before children are brought into the equation. I would have much respect for such a goverment that proposed implementing such an idea.

[passionberry-tango]

Smack your ex???!!!...lol...no, it's about you, remember? (although a whap on his head would be good therapy too)  The thing is you need to clean up your own act.  You say you know what you feel and why you feel it so you need to take personal responsibilty for it.  It's hard work Giltine, but hey, if you don't think you're worth it...well then noone else will.  Educate yourself, work at it, admit things to yourself and change your behavior, change your perspective...did I mention to educate yourself?  Yes I did, so go to it.  And most importantly...take care of yourself in every way big and small.  Do you know what I mean by that?  

[passionberry-tango]

Good call Ellen.