By: Ragu
Question: Hey Victor!! Ok so i am probably gonna write to you once a week. Haha you will get sick of me!

Anyway I am so confused about Tomato. For starters i have boosted my confidence around him so now it's better but then I don't know what to do. If we aren't in science class we don't talk and what happens if my teacher moves out seats? Then what!? Ah I think she is gonna change out seats soon! I really like him and every day i like him even more and know him more. How do i keep in touch with him? Oh and today we were in science talking and laughing but today I did notice a slight difference maybe. It could be my imagination but he was smiling more and i think towards me and when he would talk he would look into my eyes I think. And would it also mean anything if he noticed what i was wearing and then said 'Hey we're both wearing blue!' But then right after a short pause he said oh and is his person and that person. I don't know but i did notice a difference in him today! I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't want to jump to conclusions but i do think he may like me (even though we kinda come from two different sides of the school). But there is a connection between us and i can feel t when I see him and when he looks at me but i'm not sure if he feels. He is bound to though. Today I think we were both different. In a way i feel like we both are more comfortable with each other and just say whats on our minds and see what the other says. Weird right but still Thanks!!!

VictorM's advice:

A weekly question from Ragu? Bring it on! I can handle it. :)

Noticing your clothing and making associations between you two is a good sign.

Just let things progress as they are, it seems they are heading in a good direction. But remember that boys your age aren't necessarily ready for any boyfriend/girlfriend thing. They can be very unpredictable and very fickle. But I think this tomato is turning into ketchup right before your eyes. :)

Have you befriended each other on facebook yet?

PS. Do you live in a state with a currently very popular "reality" show named after it? (I won't post your answer. I'm just curious.)

By: Marie
Age: 30
Location: Seattle
Question: I have slept with this guy a few times and we haven't really "defined" what this relationship is. I was just thinking it was sex, since we both got out of a long-term relationship about 5-6 months ago. Now he won't "see" me until he takes me to dinner. Why? Is he feeling guilty? Does he think its what I want? I am fine with just sex at the moment. I do like him I just dont want to take his actions the wrong way and misread signs.

VictorM's advice:

What is reasons are don't matter; if taking you to dinner first is what he wants to do, enjoy the free meals. And the sex after. Avoid too much garlic.

By: JC
Age: 27
Location: USA
Question: ok so i started seeing this guy who was a friend of an ex (I know, big no no). anyways when we started dating he was always wanting to see me. Then a couple of weeks later I had some major things happen in my life and he started getting distant. It started with him not calling me when he said he would. so i just stopped calling and now he calls every few days to see how i'm doing. He says he misses me and wants me to call him more often, but when i call him he's busy and says he will call me back, i won't get a phone call for days i have no plans to call him untill he starts calling more and making dates. i just wanna know if i'm doing the right thing not calling him.

VictorM's advice:

Yes, you're doing the right thing, but sometimes, through no fault of your own, you just cease being a priority in a guy's life, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Seems like that's what happened here. He still sees you from time to time either because he lacks the courage to tell you he's not interested or because he thinks you're a good enough filler to keep around for rainy days.

Keep your options open and date other guys.

By: Mel
Age: 19
Location: Canada
Question: Hello Victor!

So I've met this guy & I have some sort of crush on him, but he told me he never got completely over this one girl he dated, I've no idea when they broke but I believe it's been some months already.

Do you think I should keep acting like I am or just give up since he still has feelings for this girl?
It might be dangerous, I don't know, I'm so confused.

Thanks! Have a nice weekend x.

VictorM's advice:

Stick with it. Guys are stuck on the last girlfriend until they meet one that eventually they get excited and then it's "ex who?"

Have a great weekend yourself. :)

By: Tara
Age: 28
Question: This probably sounds like an odd question, and it's a slim chance, but I'm only going to give this one last shot before walking away for good.

If there is one trick in the book to win a guy back, long distance, what would it be? We broke up from problems but were still really attracted to each other, and then we had to go long distance. Because I'm not there, he's now dating other girls, and I'm the clingy ex who can't let go. I'm sick of this and want to only give it one more attempt before going full NC. Is there anything at all which can be done to turn a guy's heart back and make him regret giving up a girl. Hoping there is some male 'secret' here that I am not aware of!

VictorM's advice:

No! None!

Clingy ex, long distance, he already has a gf... three strikes and you're out! Your options are zero, none, nil.

Spend your energies on some local guy, but before you do, go to a therapist to deal with the clingy girlfriend issue or the story will repeat many times over.

By: Lee
Age: 33
Location: canada
Question: Hello, I am lucky to have a wonderful man who highly values teamwork in our relationship of 2 and a half years and treats me and our children great. He is almost ten years older, and at this time has lost one parent last year and will lose the other this year or next. He works six days a week to help provide. He is drained and stressed out to the max. How can I help him deal with everything without adding an extra stress factor? He keeps telling he's fine, handling it and not to worry but I can see he's hurting and I don't know what to do.

VictorM's advice:

You help him deal with all the stress by not helping him! That's right, do NOT help him.

Men like to deal with their own issues, solve their own problems, and hate to depend on others. Just listen, give him back rubs, let him know that you love him and appreciate him, and let him be the strong man he wants to be.

Guys get consolation dealing with things by themselves, working hard, providing for their family, and giving them security. Let him!

By: Jenny
Age: 29
Location: Chicago, IL
Question: Found multiple naked pictures of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend on his "recently viewed documents" on his computer. Confronted him and he said he had no idea they were still on there, that he has never looked at them since we've been dating, deleted them on the spot and told me he would do anything to be with me...blah, blah, blah...

I think he looks at them and masturbates, which I find weird and am all paranoid about it. What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

I think you're paranoid for no reason. Guys look at pictures of naked women with zero emotional attachment, exes or otherwise. And after a few peeks, the same pictures lose their effect anyway.

By: cassie
Age: 17
Location: washington
Question: the guy i like texted me saying he wanted to hang out. i said: "sure." Then a few days later i texted him saying: "hey, so when do you want to hang out?" and he never responded. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

Texting you then was a form of communication, so is ignoring you now.

Why would a guy do this? Maybe you saying "sure" was all that he needed to hear to feel good about himself. Maybe he'll still respond to you.

What do you do? Realize that the guy you like doesn't like you as much as you like him. At least now you know.

By: Bill
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: I met this girl who had a boyfriend, at the time, and throughout the time we've spent together, we became closer and closer of friends. According to her, I am now an important part of her life, and irreplaceable. I soon grew to love this girl, and still do. Just recently she broke up with her boyfriend, and I thought this was the perfect opportunity to move in, however, she doesn't seem to realize that I feel the way I do about her, and is still a little caught up on this other guy. I want to know, what should I do? Should I tell her how i truly feel? Or should I just wait it out and see how she feels about me later on?

VictorM's advice:

Don't do anything until you hear from female readers who will comment in the Visitor Comments section (ladies: won't you please help Bill with your opinions?) Come back in the days ahead to see the feedback. And I would place more value in their opinions than in mine. Nevertheless, this is what I'd say:

Tell her how you feel! But don't expect a positive answer right away. You may need to give her time to process this information. With girls, you need to get in their mind. The more they think about you, the better your changes that she'll reciprocate.

By: ellie
Question: Victor,

I know I told you I would not write to you anymore but I need your advice about something that is tearing me apart. Please please answer this question, even if its just a short answer.

Basically, I told you earlier that I met this guy and we started hooking up. My best friend and I were staying at his house for a while because we had no apartment at the time. After a few weeks he stopped hooking up with me and he started being really mean to me, rude and humiliating me in front of people.

At this point, one day I broke down crying and he apologized and stopped being rude to me and just became really cold. He also started being very cozy with my best friend.

We have all been living together for a couple of months now. Anyway, my best friend told me a couple of days ago that they have been hooking up since me and him stopped hooking up and in fact, the first night we all met she had hooked up with him. I didn't hook up with him until a while after that. I had no idea or I never would have hooked up with him after that. Anyway I told her it was ok even though I feel very hurt, both because she knew I cared about him and also because he was so mean to me for a while and she hooked up with him anyway.

After that I spoke to him and I asked him if I was really that awful and he said I shouldn't feel bad and that him and my friend are hooking up and definitely not dating. Then that day she left for the day and he started kissing me and I hooked up with him even though I felt terrible. Then today she came back and they are hanging out without me again.

Why would he do that? Why would he hook up with her one time, then hook up with me for a few weeks, and then go back to her, and then hook up with me one last time? And is it wront to feel upset and hurt, especially at her? I feel so bad and worse we all live together so we are all together all the time. I can't even look at her right now because she is supposed to be my best friend.

Please tell me what's going on. This is breaking my heart.

VictorM's advice:

Because for a guy, hooking up has nothing to do with the heart. You and your friend are females, breathing, and not his mother -- that's good enough to have fun with. And that's all he's doing.

By: ashley
Age: 21
Location: geogia
Question: Ive been talking to this guy for about a week now. He calls and text me all the time. we've slept together twice and have mutually agreed to be friends until we really get to know one another. He speaks as if he wants a relationship with me. He text me today and ask for a picture. i sent him one and he said thanks. he told me that he'd call me later but i've yet to hear from him. am i just wasting my time with this guy?

VictorM's advice:

Friends don't fuck each other. If you're going to be friends, stop the sex. It will give you the best indication of his intentions.

By: Amy
Age: 35
Location: US
Question: Crushing on a guy I had two one night stands with. The sex was okay but a little awkward since we didn't know each other well (first date) and he seemed insecure (although he introduced me to all his friends). I think I have ruined it, he hasn't called me in a few weeks :(. I see him every week and he is friendly but professional. I really want to try and ask him out again. Did I ruin it? Should I text him or just leave it alone?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know that you ruined it as far as getting serious with him, but you surely didn't help things. However, I don't think you should give up. You should make an effort to go out again, and if he's willing, try to keep your panties on.

Sometimes, after having sex with a girl, a guy backs away because guys think that girls associate sex with being a couple. And since he's not ready for a relationship, he's choosing to stay away so as not to mislead you. If you ask him out and send the message you're not expecting him to marry you, all you're after is enjoying some fun times, he may relax and just enjoy having fun with you. And if he does... anything is still possible after that.

But stop being an easy lay; guys tend to lose interest over time in such types of girls.

By: Andrea
Age: 22
Location: Canada
Question: Hi Victor!
I don't have a question. I just wanted to thank you for your past advice and wanted to let you know that I've listened to you, and that for the past 3 months Ive been in a relationship with a wonderful guy and that wouldn't have been possible without your advice.
So again, thank you! :)

VictorM's comment:

Awesome!

Thank you so much for the feedback. Comments like yours makes my day. :)

By: Sarah
Age: 36
Location: Dallas
Question: Hi Victor,

I was the "why doesn't my ex stay off my blog woman :)" Thanks for that advice.

So, I've been exclusively dating a guy for around 2.5 months. He's amazing, loving, wonderful and very attentive. I know we are still very, very early in the 'relationship' but we both feel we've hit this one out of the ballpark. (his words)

At first I assumed that we were both seeing other people, so I still did until about a month in. Then I stopped but didn't tell him. He brought it up a few weeks ago: that he hadn't seen anyone else since we started dating. I wasn't sure what to say so I didn't say anything. I've never had a man tell me that.

A couple of weeks later, he told he was going to be very busy with his business and he didn't want me to think he was dating anyone else. I shared with him that I wanted to just date him as well. I had noticed him on match.com (yes, I purposely looked to see if he was on there). I knew he'd been a member and he had logged in very recently, so I asked him if he was going to discontinue that and he said yes. He said he had only dated a couple of girls on there and he much preferred meeting people in person--which is easy for him since he's very social. It was a very good conversation--no stress, all initiated by him.

In spite of him telling me he'd be too busy to see more than once or twice a week he's basically at my house every weekend; even this last weekend I had planned a girls night out on Saturday night and he stayed over from Friday to Monday. We still date (this weekend we are attending a ball with my sisters, but some nights we just do pizza and a movie).

Here are my questions:
1. I haven't looked again but I know I will at some point: if he's logged into his match.com account recently I know I'm going to be very upset. I know he's only seeing me, I've been introduced to his family and friends etc...but the only reason I can think of for online browsing is well, you know. I think a better tack might be just to say, "So, did you close your match.com account?" in an offhand way and just see what he says.

2. We are on Facebook and both of our statuses were set to single. After spending the entire weekend with him, sharing in the dreams for his business, him saying to me that "he's off the market" when I made a joke about how attractive he was; at one point we even talked about how well "our kids" get along (they are dogs) but he said it. So on Monday, I put my "status" to "In a relationship". He did the thumbs up for that, but his status is still Single. My sister who has met him and gives (usually) impeccable dating advice said I shouldn't sweat it; he's obviously into me and I should give it ten days or so. I don't want to sound like a harpie, but I was a little hurt he'd say "He likes this!" when I'm in a relationship but he's still listed as single. My sister thinks guys don't care about stuff like that.

3. Which brings me to this one: He is incredibly social and incredibly well known in a very large social circle. He's a great looking 50 year old guy, very civic oriented. So he has 1,000 or so Facebook friends that he personally does know...about once a day he adds some knockout of a woman to his "Friends" list. Typically these are people who add him or he adds them, I'm not sure that matters...but you can only take so much of seeing this and your mind starts to wonder.

After seeing the last woman (most are single women, but some are married, every once in awhile, one is not attractive) I posted some of our pictures of us on New Year's Eve. He Immediately made really positive comments on them and talked about what a great time he had...

So, without the "internet" in this 'relationship', it would be perfect. Having the kind of relationship I am having with him is wonderful, but I get sick of all the girls on FB (everyone once in awhile one flirts with him but he gently derails it.)

So:
A. Am I his girlfriend? Or is "Dating Exclusively" not quite there?
B. If so, why hasn't his FB status changed...should it matter?
C. Is there a way I can gently bring up my concerns without sounding like a harpie (probably not). I know that him having attractive FB friends is my issue, not his and he's given me no reason to doubt him but I guess I'm not 100% sure where we stand, so its' hard to feel secure. I guess I could just say that and see what he says.

Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Listen to your sister, I think she has it right.

When two people start dating, do they have to reach the point of saying "I love you" at the same time? Of course not. In your case, he was ready to stop dating others before you were. No biggie. You were ready to update you facebook status before he was. No biggie. When he said he liked you updating your status, it's a sign he is pleased you feel that you. He doesn't have to feel the same way yet. And that's no biggie.

Girls see a relationship as security, guys see is as loss of freedom. Which is why men take a lot longer to develop feelings than women do. So what's happening with the status update is totally normal. And I suggest you don't bring it up yet. You want him to update his status when he's ready to, not because he feels pressured by you.

As for checking match.com and befriending pretty women... guys, pure and simple, need the attention of pretty women to feel confident and secure. How he feels about you, and how gorgeous you may be, has nothing to do with it. Guys have the need to have their egos soothed that way. Come on, don't tell me it doesn't please you when some guy tastefully pays you a compliment. Take that feeling times a million and you have how guys feel. If you're going to be happy with any male, you need to accept that aspect of his personality. As long as he goes no further than getting other women's attention, you should be fine.

Now to the specific questions:

A. Being his girlfriend and "dating exclusively" by choice, are not the same things.

B. He hasn't reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage yet, and that's totally normal for guys; we're not in a hurry to give up our freedom as quickly as you girls are ready to lock things down.

C. Expressing your feelings, not as a reprimand or ultimatum, is always a good thing. For example, "I feel insecure about all these attractive female friend on facebook." Be willing to admit that you're not saying there's anything wrong with it, but "...still, that's how I feel." And leave it at that. Most guys who care will eventually make adjustments to ease your mind. It may take some time, so don't expect him to make changes overnight. If and when he does respond to your concerns with positive action, reward him with recognition, his favorite meal, or endless hours of dirty and disgusting sex... ;) er... or whatever other means you deem appropriate.

PS. Is your ex staying away or he still stalking your blog?

By: Jenna
Age: 15
Location: Colorado
Question: I have a friend that I go to school with and he told me that he "kinda likes" me. I'm starting to like him too but should I tell him?

VictorM's advice:

No! Don't tell him you like him. He needs to pursue you harder and drop the "kinda" -- he needs to like you, not kinda like you. And he needs to chase you longer before you tell him you like him. If you tell him too early, he'll take you for granted.

For now, encourage him with smiles and friendly greetings but not much more.

By: Laza
Age: 40
Location: CA
Question: We have been seeing each other for close to 6 months. He texts me 3-4 times a day on a daily basis. Because of his career plans, he will most likely be moving away sometime around the end of the year. I have a daughter and, although she knows I am dating, I have no intention of bringing a man into her life at this time. He and I each work 60+ hours per week. During the first month of dating we managed to see each other 3-4 times a week, and had sex for the first time during the 3rd week after about 10-11 dates. That has gradually settled down to seeing each other at least once a week, though sometimes it’s more depending on the circumstances. 75% of our get-togethers include sex, but not all of them.

We don’t talk about our respective romantic pasts, make any demands, or put any pressure on one another. We don’t have an agreement that we are exclusive, but he has made it clear to me that he is not seeing anyone else. Although he invites me to join him in events that include his friends, he hasn’t accepted an invitation that includes my friends. I have never had so much fun, such amazing sex, or enjoyed a man’s company as much as I do with him; and I don’t doubt that he finds me attractive, enjoys my company, and feels that we have strong sexual chemistry. We seem to be simply enjoying what we have while we have it. I'm aware that this most likely places each of us in "filler" status.

Despite this, from reading your blog I suspect that because of how soon we slept together, even if circumstances had been different (no future move on his part and a willingness to introduce him to my daughter on my part), I would have already sabotaged myself, plus any chance of developing something long-term with him, and effectively moved myself into “filler” status anyway. That stings. So, my question is this: if I refrain from doing girlfriend things (initially spending a large amount of time together, sex, etc.) until after I am officially a girlfriend, does that mean abstaining from sex until after agreeing on exclusivity? Frankly, I wouldn’t agree to be someone’s girlfriend if I weren’t sure of sexual chemistry and compatibility, and I can’t imagine a man surrendering his freedom without that certainty either, so what’s the balance? How does this work?

VictorM's advice:

Most of the advice you read concerning sex too early tends to be directed at younger girls. Teenagers and 20-somethings are more vulnerable emotionally, and guys around that age tend to be less patient. Reading your description of the circumstances, I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. It's not to say that it would hurt to have waited, but I wouldn't dwell on it.

You're having a good time with him. His work transfer may not happen. Why not just stay the course and see where it leads?

Oh, and kudos to you for insulating your daughter at this point. Very wise and considerate move.

By: krista
Age: 18
Location: US
Question: i met this guy in junior high. we are now both seniors in high school, at different schools. he found me on facebook a while ago and had been trying to message me for a while. he finally got a hold of me, but i had to log off (i am a super busy person: athlete, volunteer, social activist, artist, musician). so he quickly asked if i had texting, and i gave him my number, he gave me his. he shot me a text not 15 minutes later. i didnt get back to him until later that night.
so make a long story short, he has been texting me every day since then (it has been a few weeks). he is also an athlete, and plays for a travel team. he went out of state and was still texting me while he was there.
he makes comments about meeting up, how he wants to see me, hear my laugh, catch up, see my paintings, hear the music i write, etc. he compliments me and tells me everything that goes on in his life. he always asks me to call or text to wake him up. when I told him I write music he asked me to write him a song, saying he would write me a poem if I did. he uses lots of happy faces in his texts.
my brother and i are close, and he tells me that this guy is into me. i however, have my doubts. he was always popular in jr high, and still goes to the same school so he's with the same crowd. he's very funny and athletic and good looking, so why would he ever be into me?
we keep trying to plan fun little hangout sessions (we want to go skimboarding in the rain, he says he really wants to teach me)... but we are both so busy all the time.
so i am so sorry this is so long, but i have a few questions:
first of all, might this guy be into me?
i think i certainly could be into him. but how could i let him know this without being awkward? and how could either of us be into each other, as we haven't even really hung out?
why all this texting? he says, jokingly, he might be shy if we met up. i told him he would be surprised at how weird and quirky i am. he told me "i think weird and quirky is cute(="
we actually did meet up, briefly. he said i should stop by his sister's soccer game since he knew it was literally right by my house. i did on my way out that day, with my brother. i got a solid, friendly but almost awkward and shaky hug and he seemed a bit self-conscious. we talked for a few minutes and i left with my brother.
why did he seem so awkward? should i have gone to meet him at the game or waited?
he shot me a text later saying he was exhausted and he was sorry if he seemed off. i just made a joke about his being "scruffy" and told him he looked fine.
why was he so awkward?
when he asks me to wake him up, why does he want me to call or text him? doesnt he have an alarm on his phone? should i ask him to wake me up sometime and see if he returns the favor?
i just think i'm pretty bad at reading this guy in general. any hints on how to see if he likes me/what i should do in this situation would be appreciated. thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Geez... where did you find the time to write so much? :)

I really need to yell at you first. "why would he ever be into me?" Are you kidding? You're athletic, artistic, a musician, volunteer, weird and quirky... why wouldn't he be into you? You sound delightful. I hope you don't buy into the girly magazine's definition of attractiveness, which includes using 1,000 pounds of makeup and wearing clothes so tight they constrict your blood flow.

I think your brother is right that this guy feels an attraction for you. But that doesn't mean he'll be making a move on you. Often, a guy gets what he wants by doing something that validates his worth (in this case, maybe getting the nerve to contact you), and just getting your attention for now may be enough as it inflates his ego without limiting him from other such conquests. Guys place quantity above quality.

Some of his behavior could be explained by shyness. And going to the soccer game with your brother would be awkward for him. It's hard to give you the proper attention with your brother there.

More importantly, if you're so busy that you can't even go on a regular date, what would be the point of going any further?

One last point: don't accept this assignment of calling him in the morning. It's a bad habit to get into with a guy. Anything that becomes routine tends to drag down interaction. Spontaneity is much better.

By: amanda
Age: 20
Location: Canada
Question: I've been unofficially seeing this guy for a few months now, he told me he likes me and all signs point to it as well, our friend and family know about each other. I want to know if this is going to turn into a relationship tho, how can I ask him without him thinking I need one this moment? I just want to know this is heading somewhere.

VictorM's advice:

Chances are that in his mind he already considers you his girlfriend and that you have been in a relationship for a while now.

But you could say to him that one of your friends asked if you and him are a couple and you weren't quite sure what to say. What does he think is the right answer?

But you know, leaving it up for the guy to decide shows a certain desperation on your part, no? You should know. If he's not your boyfriend then there shouldn't be any girlfriend-like benefits for him until you are a couple.

By: Marie
Age: 21
Location: Maryland
Question: Hello my name is Marie and ive been dating this guy for four months now and everything been good. It's just that on the second day we met we had sex because we were both drunk and we even talked about it so that it won't be awkward later on. Now the question here is that i don't feel no love on his side. Like he doesn't call me or we could do 5 days without talking to each other. And when he does call we basically dont really have much to say to each other. But he tells me he loves me..I mean i don't know what to think anymore. Could this all be a game to him? Or should i be patient and see if things are going to change. I really don't feel loved but he says he loves me that's the part i quite don't get.

VictorM's advice:

He could very well feel like he loves you, and he may in fact love you, but what does it matter if you don't feel loved?

His declaration of love could be just words -- guys do that and more for sex or because they don't want to hurt your feelings -- so I'd disregard the words and focus on his actions.

By: Jennifer
Age: 20
Location: Ohio
Question: We knew each other five years from church, found each other appealing, but never started really talking until senior year. We graduate high school, he starts (after asking for my permission) letting everyone know that I'm his girlfriend. So we became "the" couple at our church - both the cool kids at church that everyone likes and respects, etc. We go to our respective colleges and stay together (his college was only 1.5 hours away and I got rides there easily on the weekends). We get sexual after leaving home, then stop after about six months because he's terrified 1. I'm going to leave him because I guess he thought I was bored with him and 2. he just feels bad for having sex with me to begin with because he felt like he'd corrupted me. But I softened up a bit after that and he got the courage to stay around. We stayed together a total of two years until this b-tch showed up. She befriended him. I couldn't control it because I was at my own school and we both got busy with school, and he wanted to get to know this other girl more. I kept my mouth shut.

Eventually he gets so confused about his feelings between me and this other girl he breaks up with me. I'm chill with it and start doing my own thing. He talks to this female friend about how he misses me and she 'consoles' him. I show up at the school to see some mutual friends and my self-confidence scares him again. He blames me for... stuff. I believe him and feel guilty for about six months, then I shape up and transfer to his school (I do still love him, but the school is a lot better for the money, better classes, more opportunities).

We end up going to the same church, and start talking a little bit, but it's awkward for both of us cause I felt insecure around him and from what the priest said he just wanted to have sex with me. So, I keep trying to talk to him but I got busy, so interest dropped on both sides.

Anyway, we've been broken up over a year now. There's been drama everywhere about us, but nobody really cares except us. He won't talk to me and for some reason I'm afraid to talk to him. So, a few months ago I made a fake facebook account (I know, I know). Some girl from Italy with pictures stolen from a friend he doesn't know, and my personality. She's cute. We had "mutual friends" on there. So I add him. We start talking, and as he tells me how his "angry threatening ex" (he accused me of stalking him because I kept nonchalantly bringing up this other girl and his feelings for her, and also emailing him all the time without expecting a response. I basically emailed him responses to our encounters, and often mention this other girl who feels to her core that her job is to save him) as he tells me his side of it, I casually and secretly get to explain to him what it really looked like without accusing him, or myself, of doing anything wrong. He listens and the fact that I "understood" so much of what happened (for one I mentioned that even though he didn't tell me who broke up with who, I'll assume from XYZ that he dumped her/me) stops him from talking about the "ex".

In person (at church) I just don't care anymore to bother with him/slightly scared to talk to him because I don't want to get hurt again (ya both). Love and no love. Problem is... he's starting to get interested in this alias of mine. Too interested. He's now trying to figure out basically who I am. Now that he's no longer able to blame me (as the ex) of doing anything wrong, I want to go ahead and imply to him that we already know each other face to face. But not just straight out tell him it's "me." Cause if we're going to still see each other at church... and then there's the matter of this other girl... if he decides it's too weird he may start to get closer to her instead. But she's graduating this year yay. But she's still attached to him.

She's all nice and sweet with me (doesn't see me as a threat). I asked her if we could talk this week, and she was like "sure!" and then messaged me saying when she's free, let me know when I can meet, blah blah blah. I said it depends, are you in touch with ___? She said "yea I've talked to him recently but not for a long time before that. does this change whether or not you want to talk to me?" I said we'll see. So she messaged me back again trying to get me to set a plan to meet up, and I didn't respond. So now I'm gonna be all sweet like "argh sorry I couldn't get back to you in time!" so she can't say anything to him back it like I'm a flake or something and make herself look better.

But in the meantime, he wants to take things slowly with the "Italian," so should I just keep her as a foreigner who is going to come back to America soon to see family in the area, and then pleasantly (confusedly) surprise him, or just go ahead and tell him it's really me? I don't think he'd stop talking to me for good, just call me crazy and or not talk to me for a time. What do you think I should do?

I hate relationships sometimes

But I'm not giving up on him, we wrestled mentally and emotionally etc with each other for 2 years until this dumb girl got in. Praise God she's graduating.

VictorM's advice:

No wonder you hate relationships -- you're lousy at it. Playing the kind of games you play will never produce good results.

Getting advice about relationships from a priest is like asking the world's fattest person for dieting advice. You poor thing!

Stop playing games, make the "Italian" disappear, be truthful and honest.

I don't know what they're teaching you at church, but either they are failing miserably or you simply aren't paying any attention.

By: kristin
Age: 21
Location: greenville, sc
Question: So me and this guy have had quite a history together since august. I like him a lot and we text basically everyday, and hook up but when it comes to a relationship he doesn't want to talk about it. Do you think he is using me or what? When we fight I say some pretty mean things but he still sticks around. I'm so confused.

VictorM's advice:

Fighting and saying mean things are hardly wise things to do to get a guy more interested in you. Putting up with these things are the price he pays for hooking up with you.

Is he just using you? Not any more than you're using him.

By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello again Mr. V :),

I'm in a weird place right now...me and my boyfriend have a long distance relationship; he lives in tampa and I live in orlando. We have been going out for 3 months now and last night, he confessed to me that the distance is starting to kill him slowly and he has two big things in his life, me and school. I have been through this issue before and I handled this situation like I did with the other one...I told him that I do not want to interfere with his education and his focus should be fully on his schoolwork and not my mood swings. I also told him that I will be there for him whenever he needs me, but I was going to move out of the way of his learning. When I told him that, he told me no and made a frowny face...I could tell that this was tearing him because he and I both know that our love is conflicted and the distance is just adding more dark clouds over the relationship. I know some people don't believe in the stars and astronomy, but after studying about my sign and his, we are highly incompatible and the reason why is because of trust and emotions. We had a little issue about trust and we squashed that, but with him being flustered by my solution and his confusion of what to do due to this being his first relationship in two years and me being emotionally unstable and automatically shutting out my feelings to be strong and defensive if something goes wrong...we gotten nowhere lolz.

What i'm trying to say really is...is there a way I could ease his trouble with the distance? How does guys feel when it comes to a long distance relationship with the one person that they care about? I honestly don't know what to think of what happened...What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

Hi Ms. Wolffy.

Long distance relationships are hell for boys, much more so than girls, because we don't feed off castles in the sky and words, the way most girls seem to do; we need us some soft skin to touch and a sexy mouth to kiss. Males are much more physical than females. So, is there anything you can do to keep his interest up, short of moving to Tampa? No. But don't go thinking that this was brought about by your mood swings.

Did you ever meet in person?

By: Mary
Age: 18
Location: Nebraska
Question: So I went on vacation this past new year's with my mom, brother and my mom's boyfriend. While I was there, I got along really well with my mom's boyfriend's nephew (which my mom's boyfriend kept saying he was going to introduce us)and whenever there we're family get-togethers, parties, and for new years he would always come and sit next to me and we'd talk about everything. He also asked me to dance during parties and went out of his way to visit us while we were there. We'd always end up hanging out on those visits...Then the trip sadly came to an end and he asked me for my e-mail so we could keep in touch, he also gave me his. We are planning to go back again soon, but it's been like 3 weeks and he hasn't emailed me, I haven't e-mailed him either. Maybe he doesn't like me? What happened?

VictorM's advice:

Not emailing you for 3 weeks means nothing. Go back and see what happens.

If you do decide to email him now, and maybe you should, do not ask why he hasn't emailed you. Just write as if he emailed yesterday and make sure you end your email with some question that invites him to write back. Sometimes all a guy needs is a little push to get off whatever funk he's in, which he's more likely to do if he doesn't feel he's being reprimanded.

By: Kasey
Age: 31
Location: RI
Question: OK simple question. What is the best way for me to get this guy more interested in me. I know that there is some attraction between us. I just want more. And I feel that if I just left the right impression with him that he'll get the point. Or am I being naive and if he want to "Hang out" he would have asked me already. Or should I just put it all out there and see what happens. I really just want to hook up with him. I just want to know if it's a lost cause. Thanks

VictorM's advice:

There are two things that keep a guy from asking a girl out. One is the fear of rejection, the other is the fear of non rejection. :) By that I mean, if you don't reject him, oh boy, now he has to deal with a potential relationship, and that's scary as hell for guys in the early going.

What you need to do is the holy trinity for catching a guy's attention:

1) smile at him often;
2) greet him using his name (never just "hi"; always "Hi, John"). Men in particular like hearing the sound of their name coming from a girl's mouth;
3) strive to make him feel good about himself when he's with you. That means finding out what topics he's most passionately about and bringing them up (guys love to show off their knowledge to a girl who will listen), paying him simple, sincere, short compliments about something physical (never "you're such a nice guy" -- that does nothing for guys), instead, say something like "New shirt? Looks great on you, John" or "Ooohhh love your new haircut, John" or, if you feel courageous, "My dear lord, that bulge of yours makes me want to unbuckle your pants and give you a blow job right here, right now." OK, ok, that last one is too long... forget it. :)

If you follow this advice, you better carry a fire extinguisher with you cause sparks are gonna fly. :)

By: Sarah
Age: 17
Location: Vancouver
Question: So I met this guy at a family dinner and I could tell he was flirting with me and trying to get my attention. He's 21 and he's a DJ. He gave me his cell number and facebook. I wanted to try and get him to DJ for my school dance. That was a ways away so I wanted to see him before than so I messaged him that I would love to see him DJ and he invited me to one of his gigs. When I got there me and my friend were dancing and he saw me and winked. Later he came up to me and hugged me and went back to work. I know he was busy. But when I said I had to go he didn't even look at me. And he didn't even call me or message me to say thanks for coming or anything. Should I give up on this guy or try harder to get to know him because I like him a lot!

VictorM's advice:

No, don't give up.

You point out what I think are two very important difference between girls and guys: One, when a guy is working, he's working! He focuses on that almost to the exclusion of everything, which might explain his non-reaction to you leaving; two, this whole thing of calling people to thank them, or sending thank you cards and all that, that's a girl's thing, most guys don't do that sorta thing. Guys, however, like to pursue a girl. If he's not pursuing you now, that's more indicative of his interest, or lack of it, than anything else. But as I said, don't give up; he might still be interested.

By: Iusedtoluvu
Age: 32
Location: NY
Question: What does it mean when a man says to a woman "you went and got married on me"?

VictorM's advice:

Guys say that to women who got married just the same way we tell people to "have a nice day" -- it's just a greeting. It's a simple compliment.

By: Sunshine
Age: 22
Location: Australia
Question: Hey Vic, it's been an age! Hoping the name rings a bell and that all's well with you.

I don't really have a problem as such, but I'm more so just curious about something or rather someone. I have a pretty close friend (who's a guy) and going by your advice and comments on here, his behaviour kinda baffles me. It doesn't seem to sit well with the new found knowledge I've gained from you on guys.

You've often said that guys have no use for female friends and are usually only friends with you because they're attracted to you in some way. If not, then once they have their own girl you'll be totally cut out of the picture. Now I agree with bits of that, but I can't put that theory to this friend of mine.. let's call him D.

D is a really good friend and I've known him for about 2 years now, at the time he had a girlfriend and he currently is interested in someone else as well. We talk pretty often, sometimes for hours at a go (but online) and he'll text me almost every other day just to say hey or see what's happening, as friends tend to do. We joke around heaps and care a lot about each other (don't worry I'm not talking on his behalf, I know this for a fact :P). In a nutshell, we get along like a house on fire.

I guess I can't say with 100% certainty that he definitely doesn't "like" me but I'm pretty confident he doesn't, because for one he had a gf through a good part of our friendship and now seems interested in someone else. So I'm not really part of the romantic scene as far as I can see. Just to clear things up though, I'm not interested in him in that way but it's not something we've ever talked about.

So what's your take on all this? Do the calls, texts, chatting, etc seem fishy to you, or do you think his actions are legit and he's just a great friend? Is he the exception to the rule? (I currently think so, but am interested in what you have to say). Thank youu!

VictorM's advice:

Sunshine! Of course I remember you. :)

I'll repeat it: guys have no need for female friends. If they keep up a female friendship it's usually for an ulterior motive, not friendship in the same sense as being friends with a buddy from childhood or school. Such friendships are usually maintained by a bond that asks nothing in return, not because either party expect to get some ulterior benefit from it.

Your friend's ulterior motive may not be romantic, but still, he doesn't see you as a pal with whom he has a strong bond that will survive just about anything. And although your motives may not be the same, let's face it, if tomorrow you fell in love with a guy who didn't like this friendship, chances are that your friendship would end. It is this fragile link between you two that leads me to believe there is no solid bond of friendship between you two.

The question then is, what's in it for you? I'd like to hear from you. Why do you keep talking to him, often for hours? As I wait your answer, I'm going to assume one thing: you don't have a boyfriend. Right?

I don't know what his motive is for talking to you for hours but I'll make another assumption: he thinks you're very attractive. Is that right? Even if he doesn't have romantic feelings, he stays around because in part he finds you fun to talk to, and I'll even buy that a cares about you as a human being, but the major reason is some sort of lingering fantasy thoughts about you. At a minimum, he enjoys you mostly because he finds you attractive. Guys love the company of women they find attractive. It does wonders for their ego. But it's the superficiality of that reason that leads me to say that guys have ulterior motives; it's never friendship just for the sake of friendship. In the eyes of that beholder you're an aussie beauty.

Now, I'm not trying to say having such a friendship is a bad thing, or that you should stop it, or that he's being less than honest with you. He enjoys your company, likes to talk to you, you reciprocate, and it's all good. I'm just saying he harbors fantasies of poking you someday. ;) haha

... for the name explanation. Cute. :)

By: Kara
Age: 20
Location: Texas
Question: I met this guy (let's call him Joe) trough a post I made on CL about four months ago, we chatted and liked each other but he told me that he wasn't after any thing serious. So I stopped talking to him. Never having a chance to meet in person. Two months later, I met a really nice guy at this country club only to realize, it is the same guy from online. But, I liked him so much in person, I kept talking to him. Despite what he told me barely two months before that.
We talked for two months and Joe kept asking me out but despite my attraction to him, I refused, in light of his comments four months earlier. Then, I decided that I was missing out (I have been celibate for a year, not by choice, mind you). So I went to his place, had a glass of wine and became intimate with him.

I know you can never go back with a guy but I was regretful. I distanced myself from him after that. But we still talked, he invited me to dinner or to his place. I refused. He tell me about his days off, hinting of how available he'll be.

Last night, Joe invited me over again, and since I was out with a date (I've been keeping my options open.), I decided to tell Joe, I was out on a date. He went on a tirade about how I didn't want him, how he was offering more than sex and so on.

I'm confused, writing it down in seems obvious to me that maybe Joe does want more but, I'm scared it might be wishful thinking. Am I reading too much out of too little? Or aren't I reading enough?

I'm perfectly okay to have only a sexual relationship but his little jealousy scene confused me.

VictorM's advice:

The earlier statement by him that "I'm not after anything serious" is a guy's self defense mechanist to keep the leech-like behavior of most girls when it comes to relationships.

"I'm not after anything serious" has as much reliability as "I'm going to love you forever and never look at another girl." Neither statement ought to be viewed as having any lasting power.

But if you offer your willingness for only sex, you will only prove you're not worthy of a serious relationship.

By: Janine
Age: 18
Location: New Mexico
Question: Okay so I met this guy last summer and he told one of his friends (and my friends) that he thought I was cute. He got my number and texted me and we were inseparable for a few weeks. Then school started up and he's four years older so he moved like an hour away. We barely talked and sometimes he wouldn't text me back after that. Then like three months ago he moved back and we talk every weekend and randomly during the week and we hang out almost every weekend night. He always is staring at me in the eyes or just staring. All his friends keep asking me if we're together yet but the problem is I have NO idea what we are. Especially because the other night he was being a little different then normal and was sitting next to some other girl all night and then walked her out and just said bye to me. I told him we should talk the next day he right away came over and told me he never follows through with stuff like this, only for me. Also, whenever we hook up he always wants to cuddle and won't leave me alone, he always tells me how right it feels and even asked me if I had hooked up with one of his friends and got mad. But, he hasn't ever taken me on a date or anything of the sort. Any clue as to what is going on?

VictorM's advice:

Yes, I do know what's going on. You're the "easy, cheap, good for now" girl; nothing more, nothing less.

Anytime you do girlfriend-type things with a guy (being inseparable, hooking up, cuddling) without even knowing if he's your boyfriend, you're going to get screwed. I know you girls do this sorta thing thinking that by doing so you endear yourself with a guy, but more often than not, the opposite happens. Once a guy gets used to getting something for free (having no relationship responsibilities), he's most likely unwilling to want to pay later (with commitment, exclusivity, responsibilities) for something he used to get for free. In other others, you've already devalued yourself. When he's ready emotionally for value, he'll look elsewhere.

By: Emily
Location: Canada
Question: There's this guy i met at work and i didn't think anything of him at all but since i've been working there he purposely touches me and stares at me and smiles all the time i'm around, and playfully kicks me and puts me in a headlock. So i kinda started getting interested in him. After awhile he added me on facebook and would sent me messages. Most of them asking me too blow him so i don't know what too expect. Like every convo i have with him so far are silly, sexually flirting convos. Like i'm playing hard too get, trying to make him realize that he can't get in my pants easily. So i need help on what he wants like. Just wants in my pants or would he want an actual relationship? HELP lol

VictorM's advice:

He wants to get in your pants. That's all.

You're not playing hard to get; you're setting the tone that you accept his sort of behavior. All you're doing is encouraging that behavior. Because you accept all the sexual innuendo, you'll never get anything more respectful from him.

By: Hannah
Age: 15
Location: CA
Question: Okay, I'm confused. I'm friends with this guy who thinks of me as a friend. But he treats me like a sister. A mix of bullying and friendliness. But I really like him--not really as a friend. And he knows that but still treats me like a friend/sister and he says the reason why is he can't see me that way. But I'm confused because YEAH I get it, you don't see me that way but WHY do you ask me for relationship advice. It's not exactly fun to have the guy you really like tell you about how much he loves his girlfriend. Another thing that bugs me is that he hates showing emotions and never tells me why he gets upset--FOR NO REASON. Help?

VictorM's advice:

He talks to you about his relationship because he's not aware that it bothers you. Have you told him not to talk to you about it? If not, you should.

He doesn't get upset for no reason. The thing is that when guys get upset about something, they take it out on everyone, even those people not involved in what got him upset. And don't expect him to talk about it because guys like to solve their own problems on their own. When he's upset, apparently for no reason, just let him be for a while. He'll get over it on his own.

By: Katherine
Age: 23
Location: North Dakota
Question: I have been sleeping with a guy for years. We have never dated but he will text me on days when he isn't drunk and he knows he will not be getting laid. When we do hook up he will kiss my neck and the next morning he will move his fingers along my back and side. What is he doing?? Does he have feelings?

VictorM's advice:

I have no idea if he has feelings for you or not, but calling you and touching your back have nothing to do with feelings.

When you do girlfriend-like things with a guy who is not your boyfriend, you're likely to get screwed. More often than not all you wind up being is filler, a "good for now" body, but in doing so, you chip away at his respect for you. And most guys like to get serious with a girl who they don't think of as a fuck object.

By: janet
Age: 20
Location: texas
Question: The guy i work with asked me out on a date and we hung out for 6 days straight. well all of a sudden he just quit talking to me. what does this mean?

VictorM's advice:

It means he learned enough about you to realize you're not a good match for him.

By: Frances
Age: 17
Location: USA
Question: What is he thinking?
I have been spending time with this 18 year old guy that used to go to school with for the last 9 months. He started talking to me in May and we hung out in the summer and in October the friendship turned romantic, after he told he that I was pretty and that he has had a crush on me for the longest time. Since then we try to hang out weekly and I really like him, he is very down to earth and quiet to the point where he doesn't always respond when you talk to him. He doesn't really say how he feels about things a lot of the times, I get this feeling he is holding back. He hasn't talked about being in a relationship or any past relationships for that matter but he makes little jokes and hints that I am the only girl in his love life. We haven't had sex and he is not pressuring me at all, he told me I was beautiful as well. He is quiet and not very upfront about somethings. He is always telling me to give him a call and sometimes can take hours to reply to my text messages. Do you know if this guy wants a relationship? Do you think I should pursue him when I am so scared to confront him and talk about what we are exactly? Do you think he already thinks we are dating?

VictorM's advice:

He already thinks you're his girlfriend.

As for the rest of his behavior, he just sounds like a typical guy: he doesn't talk about his feelings because guys don't develop feelings like girls do. Guys start with physical attraction, and he's calling you pretty and beautiful, that's the equivelent of you talking about mushy feelings. Actual feelings, for a guy, come much later. So don't confront him; enjoy him.

By: K.A
Age: 22
Question: Hi,
I desperately need advice. I met this guy on the internet and we've texted and talked and have gone on 2 great dates. He has been such an awesome date, not afraid to show affection, fun to hang out with, but I have this problem where I keep thinking that he doesnt like me. He tells me he does, but ever since the second date (which he wanted to do more then make-out and I wouldn't, and he didn't seem upset about it?) he hasn't talked to me much. I have to initiate conversations, and have been the only one asking if he was interested in going out again. He says yes and that he's still interested in me, but it's been more then a week and he hasn't given me a day where he can go out. Why does he keep saying he likes me, and this has been more then once after that date, but then seems like he's too busy to do anything together? What is going on?! I am so frustrated! Please help

VictorM's advice:

He's not interested in you but feels bad about telling you the truth, which is, well... that he's not interested in you. Take the hint and leave him alone already.

By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, hope your new year is starting out good. I've got a question. I have a friend that I see a few times a month, which is fine. We have a great time together, but what gets me is he always makes a comment about me dating someone, whether I am or not, and the way he says it makes it sound like he's mad or something. I'm confused at his behavior. Thanks.

VictorM's advice:

Guys are both territorial and competitive. Regardless of how he feels about you, any guy coming between you and him is infringing on him. That's all it means.

This, by the way, indicates he'll make a lousy boyfriend. Be warned.

By: Ragu
Question: Lol Hey Victor I am back!
Long story with my name being Ragu!
Anyway I think that i am slowly moving on with Habenero like i'm not so much into him anymore but Tomato I still am! See i want him to get some of my hints so I may give him some hints but without giving t away that I like him. But here is my question. I want to know how he would probably show it i he liked me. His personality is so party athletic funny smart cute popular type of guy and will sometimes says things before he thinks. But i really want to know how he would show if he liked me? Thanks Victor:) I love your advice so much and it has already helped me a lot!!

VictorM's advice:

Tell me your name story. I won't post it, but would love to read it. Yeah, I'm nosey. :)

It's hard to know when a guy likes you. The best bet is to look for changed behavior when you come around. For example, let's say he's very clownish and loud when talking to other people, but the moment you arrive at the scene, he becomes quiet. Or it could be that he's quiet and becomes talkative when you arrive. That's what you have to look for, changed behavior between before you arrive and after you arrive.

By: calleigh
Age: 16
Location: texas
Question: im a sophomore in high school and i recently had a "thing" with a senior but things kind of ended suddenly and like we just stopped talking without any kind of conclusion. he now has a thing with a freshman...but when the freshman isn't there then he flirts with me again...what do i do?

VictorM's advice:

You need to understand that a guy flirting with you has nothing to do with interest in you; it's all about his ego and doing things that are fun for him. Given the circumstances, he flirts with you because it makes him feel better about himself. Period. It has nothing to do with still liking you.

Guys don't flirt with girls they like; they flirt with girls they think won't reject them.

By: Elizabeth
Age: 15
Location: California
Question: I like a guy and he likes me, but he's a year younger than me. He is in 8th grade and I'm in 9th. You would never know that he wasn't in 9th grade unless he told you. Should I go out with him?

VictorM's advice:

Yes. Why not? A year difference is nothing.

Question: Hi Victor!
Opinion needed. This has been going on for years. We had a crush on each other years ago but for whatever reason I was turned down by him but we remained kind of "occasional friends" emailing or texting each other, meeting with a larger group of people. Life moved on, I got married and he's still alone. After I got married he kind of let me know that he regrets not taking a chance because he realised we would have been "a lovely couple". Sad as it is I still had some feelings for him, but my view and opinion was clear: it's too late and we can't be more than friends. He then said, we can't be firends because he's madly in love with me and it's not enough for him to (quotation): "look into my eyes because he wants to be inside me). Fair enough, I was a bit bitter but I could understand that and there had been a silence for months on both sides. Before Christmas I sent him casual "Merry Christmas" email and he replied. He suggested going out together but I made a point that there wouldn't be any sex involved and he said: agreed. He proposed I would stay overnight (!) but I was reluctant to do it. We agreed we would go to the theatre and then perhaps have dinner at his place. We agreed 3 days before, but then he never called to confirm time etc. I was confused and texted him to ask what's happening with the meeting up? No response. After few weeks I texted him saying that I was really disappointed we didn't meet and he proposed meeting up again. Fool as I am - I agreed on the condition that he will text me the day before to confirm - he agreed. Of course he didn't get in touch (!!!). I texted him on the day and said I'm done with this all and he wen't on mental. He texted me calling me selfish (as I am married) and (what hurt me most!) that "what kind of girl leads a man to a meeting and tells her husband!" Of course my husband knew about it - I didn't mean to cheat on him or anything. His last text after all these awful things he said about me was: "so do you want to go for dinner or not?" I replied " I do, but I'm not going to explain myself over texts. Let me know where and when". He never did. I was really upset. I texted him to say there won't be any other opportunity to meet, text or email. He replied he's fed up with my "outbursts" and that was it.
I suspect, there will never ever be any friendship again, right? What happended and

VictorM's advice:

Are you fucking kidding me? Am I suppose to take your question seriously? If I didn't know better, I'd say you're pulling my leg, but... I've gotten to learn more and more about women, and I have to say that I believe this idiocy. After all the missed text messages and blown meetings, you're still wondering about friendship with this jerk? Amazing!

What, you still believe "he wants to be inside me" (disregarding the obvious sexual connotation)? Some women are such suckers for a guy being unable to live without you, saying he's "alone" as if it means he's miserable without you. Is your self-esteem so low that you crave for this man to crave you?

You wanted my opinion, so here it is: He just wanted to fuck the married woman that he lusted after. Period! Now stop believing all the romance novel bullshit and quit giving woman a bad name with your tolerance for disrespect. If he have this much energy, spend it on your husband!

By: Rebecca
Age: 23
Location: RSA
Question: What do you think it says about a guy if instead of asking for your number, he asks if he can add you on Facebook and then sends a message asking you out? It seems a bit passive to me, I'd prefer a phone call or at least a text, but maybe my expectations are too high?

VictorM's advice:

Rebecca!!! Where have you been? This site gets lonely without a question from you for too long. :)

Well, I'm sure there was a time when woman hated that a guy used the phone instead of asking her face to face. But inventors keep inventing these devices that allows cowards to being able to ask a woman out with minimal exposure to downright cruel face to face rejection. And that's what this is all about -- fear of rejection and how to handle it. On facebook it will be easier than phone, which would be easier than in person.

Bottom line? He's somewhat interested in you. And that's a start.

For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.

By: Julie
Age: 25
Location: Louisiana
Question: Hi Vic! My ex and I are currently trying to reconcile after being broken up for the past 10 months. During that time we did not talk at all and it seemed clear that we both were moving on. I slept with a guy about 2 months ago yet my ex says he hasn't slept with anyone since we broke up. Should I tell him that I slept with someone else or does it not matter?

VictorM's advice:

Do not volunteer that information. If he asks if you slept with someone, tell the truth, but not much more than "yes." If he asks too many questions or seems bothered by it, make him your ex again -- he's not worth it.

By: liz
Age: 20
Question: this guy i have been seeing recently said he isn't ready for anything serious, but yet he still wants to be with me. he says hes scared of commitment? he's been one of my best friends for years and we have always been interested in each other and he still constantly wants to talk and see me but he doesn't want to commit because he is scared of getting hurt. what do i do?

VictorM's advice:

That may be what he says, but that's not what he means. What he's saying is he's not convinced enough about his feelings for you to want to commit. He enjoys your company and wants to spend time with you but without any obligations.

My suggestion to you is to keep seeing him and giving him the opportunity to learn more about you, but do not do any girlfriend type things (sex, making out, being exclusive, etc.) with him unless and until he's boyfriend.

By: Megan
Age: 20
Location: California
Question: Ok to really sum up a 3 year relationship is hard but i will try to provide as much information as possible into a little paragraph. Basically he tells me he loves me all the time with no problem. He looks me in the eyes tells me i'm his dream girl, his everything. He and I have a child together, a little baby girl, and he always says he wants him and i to get along so we can be a happy family. He has written me little spur of the moment poems and love notes and also a 3 1/2 page love letter to me. But he has a tendency to be a real jerk. Just out of the blue he gets short with me. We end up arguing and the things he says really confuses me on how he could love me. He calls me very very insulting names. Sometimes telling me he doesn't love me he only pretends to so he can visit with our daughter. Later to claim he only said it to push me away since he doesn't see me happy. I explain to him if he'd stop being so cruel i would be happy! He says he is trying but how hard is it not to say something mean? He tells me rumors of him being sexually intimate with a friend are false. He tells me he met up with an ex of his three separate times a year ago down the road (we lived way out in the country and there was a secluded lake called "Hidden Lake") at Hidden Lake and got intimate with her but didn't actually have sexual intercourse while i was at home sleeping. Only to tell me later that he told the whole Hidden Lake "lie" to get my attention off the other girl he is being accused of having sexual intercourse with. The thing that baffles me the most is i tell him when we argue i've noticed i'm always the one to get a hold of his first normally after two weeks of no communication (at the time not dating we have been off and on quite a bit lately). I asked why he never gets a hold of me first and he says its because he is letting me cool down. I've told him at least 20 times now that i don't need that much time to cool down. Within 3 hours i'm already wishing he'd call me and i feel when he doesn't call me he doesn't love me. It's like out of sight out of mind. We are currently arguing right now. He majorly screwed up last Wednesday insulting me saying i pick sleep over our daughter (it was 3:20am he was drunk and someone has to get to bed to watch her in the morning!) that i didn't love our daughter and acted as though i was the most played worthless woman ever. cold cold cold hearted. I went to talk with him Friday and he walked off mid conversation saying conversation over and i haven't heard from him since. Then he is baffled when i say actions speak louder than words and i don't believe him.

Don't you think his words are false? Or do you think he does love me and there is something else wrong?

VictorM's advice:

I think that his words when he's angry at you are what's false.

Men are notorious for being dirty fighters. When we get mad, we get childish, and go want to hurt our opponent (fighting isn't about making sense or being fair -- it's about destroying the opponent), and so lies, insults, mean words, etc are all part of what we do. Yes, it's possible for men to rise above this natural instinct, but far too many don't. So when you ask "how hard is it not to say something mean?" It's super hard! It's as hard as you not getting offended even if you know he doesn't mean those things.

For men, during fighting, the most important thing to do, whether the guy even realizes it or not, is to gain control. It's all about control. So, when he calls you a bad mother -- something that he knows you're not but hate being called -- he's doing it not because he thinks it, but because he knows you're going to lose control. He pushes your buttons because getting the sense that he "won" is important to him at the moment of rage.

You have to learn to recognize his approach for what it is -- he hurts you because it's his way of gaining control and therefore feel like he won. Here's one quick way to help you deal with his insults. For example, next time he calls you a bad mother, just use a trigger word to let you recognize his insults for what they really are -- a quest for control! Say to yourself "Control!" That will be your trigger to not give him what he's after. Instead, reply with "What you're saying is not true, but if it makes you happy to think it, go right ahead." And walk away. Smile inside knowing that you refused to feed his need to control you.

But you also need to rise above childish thoughts, such as "i feel when he doesn't call me he doesn't love me." That's utter and complete bullshit. He doesn't call you because during and after an argument, men become little, bratty boys who sulk on their own. Him not calling is a reflection of that typical male behavior, not a reflection of his feelings towards you.

Submitted on Thursday, January 28, 2010
By: britt
Age: 21
Location: texas
Question: hey hey :) so i just have a question, or what your feelings about this situation might be. Theres this guy i work with, and we've constantly flirted for the past 3 years and it was never anything but a crush for him on my part.. but in the past year, we've been hardcore flirting at work, like he'll tease me and constantly look at me and we'll catch eye contact, and we'll joke, and he'll touch my arm or places more, and stare into my eyes and lips when we talk, and then he makes more comments on how i look (in a good way) :P and he bluntly wants me, like we were all at a work thing, and everyone was drinking and he was constantly hitting on -just- me, in front of his friends and everything.. YET he hasn't asked me out for a date.. or a drink or anything. he imed and texted me randomly a few times,and then recently we talked through texting very sexually/flirty til like 3am.. but still nothing after that. The next day at work we couldn't stop smiling at each other, cause i was amazed that we even talked to each other like that.. :P haha but i'm still flirting as much as i can w/ him at work and everything but idk.. wouldn't you think if he legit wanted me, he would ask me out? or do girls do that now too? It's just he's such an outgoing person, and probably has plenty of girls he could randomly screw, but i'm not like that- so idk if he's like not pursuing anything now because of that? but he's not acting like a jerk, he's still flirting with me hardcore.. ah idk what to think. haha help? thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

You're a fun pastime, a playful toy, a distraction from the mundane, an ego booster. That's all you are. And as long as you keep going along with all the flirting and sex talk, that's all you'll ever be.

You're more fun as a "possibility" than you are as a "sure thing"; more fun as a "I could have her anytime I want her" than as a "been there, done that"; more fun as a job distraction than as an obligation.

Flirting is a thing guys do to boost their ego and please themselves; any notion that a guy flirting is a sign of interest is nothing but female foolery.

Submitted on Thursday, January 28, 2010
By: cec
Age: 20
Location: ohio
Question: so I fell in love with a guy that I can say is the only guy I ever truly loved and he loved me back. we were on the phone last night and one minute he was saying how I was going to be his wife and five minutes later he was like if I needed space to work on myself to become a better man for you would you be mad? I replied no if that's what you need to do I would respect that, and then he said he hasn't got over past relationships and emotions and he needed to be single right now. then he turned around and said he honestly does not know if he is the right man for me and can we go our separate ways? and he does not want me to wait for him but he was not trying to play me or wants me to feel like I got played. and that is exactly how I feel. he even deleted me as a friend on his facebook page saying he needed to mature cause he doesn't wanna hurt me. what should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Chances are that you didn't get played. He just came to the realization that he wasn't into you. That's just how things work. Sometimes interest is sustained for a life time, sometimes it fades much earlier.

He's moving on. All that you can do is try to do the same.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: amiee
Age: 19
Location: illinois
Question: this guy and i have been talking and hanging out for over a month now. he told me he really liked me, like everything about me. and i really like him, but last night he told me that he is talking to another girl and likes her also. which means he likes both of us. he is like the best guy i've ever talked to or hung out with. but i can't handle him talking to another girl. he and i hung out and he kissed me and made me feel like i was the only one for him and was at my house until 5 the next morning. but he hangs out with this other girl more because they live in the same town. but she is way younger than him and still in high school! who wants that drama? how do i make him choose me over her?

VictorM's advice:

1. Do not behave like a girlfriend (no sex, no making out, etc.) with him as long as the other girl is in the picture.

2. Just have the best of times when you are with him, as friends.

Attraction is never about the other person, it's how the other person makes you feel about yourself when you're with them. If he feels good about himself around you, your odds improve.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: joy
Age: 26
Location: dc
Question: I have known this guy who is 34, for two years and we talked off and on. Recently we have been spending a lot of time together watching movies, going different places. The other day we were talking and he said that he was not looking for a relationship but he always asks me when I was going to have children. I have told him that I wasn't having sex until I am in a serious relationship. What does this mean or what does he want from me?

VictorM's advice:

I'm not sure that there is any hidden meaning. Sounds like he's just curious about your plans, which he has already made clear he doesn't want to be part of.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: Grace
Age: 23
Location: France
Question: How to be OK with my boyfriend seeing his ex's?!
It was the first and only thing that bothered me in our relationship (almost 3 years now). He doesn't see them often, but there are still 3 that he keeps in touch with. I addressed him about it in the beginning, and maybe not with much tact.... but it makes me jealous, and he continues to do it knowing that it upsets me. He says not to be jealous because he loves just me etc, and they are just old friends he likes to see from time to time. I respect the idea of it, but just can't deal with it.Each time I confront him about it he becomes more and more offended, and so each time I bring it up, I say after that I won't talk about it again. But it continues to bothers me to the point of saying something. I don't want to push him to the point of actually cheating or something. Am I being jealous for no reason?

VictorM's advice:

You have a right to be upset. Your boyfriend is disregarding your feelings for the sake of his own selfishness. That's a sign that does not bode well for the future of the relationship. Today it's the exes, who knows what it could be tomorrow.

So you really have a lot more to worry about than jealousy; your happiness with someone like this is on the balance.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: Maria
Age: 18
Location: Los Angeles
Question: well me and this guy have this long distance relationship.We communicate through email a lot for 3 months. But all of a sudden he stopped writing to me.He started writing to me less and less i asked him "why?" he said that it was because he would stay at school late and that he had to work with his uncle. he would write to me telling me that he couldn't write that day because he couldn't and that he "loved me". I understood him, because I'm a student too and i know he does not live in his own home.the beginning of December I called him and he basically blew me off telling me that he had to take a shower. he told me he tried to go on the internet but that i wasn't online.And then he said he would call me back the next day but he never did.Our plan since we were together was to go see each other for christmas where he is from. I wasn't able to go and i heard that he went. I didn't here from him at all, where he is from there is not a lot of communication available, but at least i thought he would call. Vacation is over and he and i returned to school. I emailed him telling him that his silence was telling me that he did not want anything to do with me and that it was okay but that i deserved for him to tell me what happened. it's been 1 month already since that email and he hasn't written back. I don't know what to do? should i call him? Should i let it be? Why would he leave me like this without even a good bye? Guys can't be that mean?

VictorM's advice:

This has nothing to do with him being mean; it has to do with him being a coward. He simply doesn't have the guts to tell you it's over.

Silence and indifference are forms of communication. They're not the best forms, but they communicate nevertheless. And this is what they say: He's not into you. He's over you. He has been over you since the days his emails decreased.

You need to accept that and move on. You and him have nothing else to talk about.

Happy New Year to you and thank you so much for you comments. They truly made my day. I appreciate the feedback and am happy to hear things are working out.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: Julia
Age: 20
Question: Hey,
So this summer I spent time abroad in London and met this really great guy, we went out on a few dates, texted constantly, flirted etc. Summer ended and we've been emailing back and forth since August every so often, still flirting, I call him handsome and he calls me sexy. When i first left he said: "If you weren't going back something would have developed but If you're back next summer and I'm about, I would really like to see you again."
I'm making a trek back to London come March, should I go for it with this guy? I mean how often to long-distance relationships work, and are guys even into that? or am I just thinking in this movie world or something. I don't know, any general advice would be good.

VictorM's advice:

Long distance relationships have a very low level of success, much more so around your age. The digital world simply is no substitute for physical touch. And guys are much less into them than girls. You girls can get a lot of mileage from castles in the air. Not guys.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: screaming-on-the-inside kaylie
Age: 15
Location: usa
Question: so people around know me as the girl in control. now that's all fine and dandy except that when it comes to boys, i'm stuck out of my element (sorry for the cliche), and i may have intimidated the one guy i really like. he's always around me and he finds reasons to talk to me and i know that he likes me, but i'm scared that he's too afraid to ask me out (i've been told i can be a corporate-boss-control-freak, but whatever) and on the other hand, i'm scared of what his reaction will be if i ask him out (i don't want his ego to get carried away). how do i show him that i like him without being too blatant and awkward?

VictorM's advice:

Don't ask him out! That will most likely only get to his head.

If he likes you, he will still take more time to ask you out then you'd like. Guys usually like the conquest phase too much and have fun with it. I suggest you be more encouraging by doing two things: 1) smile a lot at him; 2) greet him using his name ("Hi, John") When guys hear their name coming from a girl's mouth, it automatically increases their connection to her.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: Erica
Age: 15
Question: Okay. So my boyfriend says he loves me. and that we have this strong connection. And i believe that too. everything is perfect relationship wise. but i just don't trust his ex around him. she basically still loves him, but says they're just friends. should i tell him to stop talking to her? i really don't trust it at all. but they're close friends. I feel too controlling when i ask him not to. and i feel horrible when he does because i feel like i am controlling him. should i let him talk to any of his ex girlfriends at all? i quit talking to mine cuz i felt weird...

and there's another situation. he texts this girl constantly. he talks to her more than me on most days. this girl is like a stalker. i don't like her at all. but hes friends with her. or whatever. and i told him it bothers me when he talks about her to me. it gets annoying. but i'm not the assertive type to just tell people what i want. i sorta hint around. and he guesses most of the time. but i just don't wanna blurt out that i want him to stop talking to her. i just wish he wouldn't talk about her in front of me. but he says i have nothing to worry about, and always asks why i get so annoyed. what should i do to be able to tell him exactly what i want without sounding like a total bi*ch?

VictorM's advice:

Exes are evil. I always say this because of situations like yours. You were wise to let go of your exes. Your boyfriend is asking for trouble when he doesn't.

Now, that doesn't mean he's doing anything bad with her, but he's clearly not respecting your feelings, and that's a no-no.

You need to tell him that it bothers you. Period. You don't have to explain why. Keep repeating: I am bothered by it. If he doesn't respect your wishes and keeps talking about her to you, next time he does it, without showing any anger, just get up and walk away. Give him no lectures, no justifications... simply walk away. If he rejoins you, talk about something else as if nothing happened. If he asks why you left, just say "I'm not interested in that topic."

Show no anger but be consistent in your action to discourage his ex from being a topic of conversation between you two.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: eliz
Age: 23
Location: ny
Question: so i asked a guy if he want to come to the basketball game.. and he said ya let me check my schedule of events.. what do you think that means?

VictorM's advice:

Assuming he likes basketball, it means he's going to think about it.

We can safely assume that his groins are not on fire for you, but that doesn't mean he's not interested in a friendly night out.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: Beccky
Age: 13
Location: Phoenix
Question: Hello Victor,
So I can't tell if this one guy is interested in me or not. I like this guy and he is in my algebra, science, gym/health, and social studies. The only class that we sit near each other is science and when we do, we always talk and laugh. He always knows how to make me laugh and I really like him. But if it snt in science we barely talk but that could be because we dont see eachother the remainder of the day. Sometimes I can see him looking at me but I dont know if that means something. He is a funny guy bt he always makes me smile and mostly me when in science. And sometimes he will like say something that he knows will get me upset but yet he also knows it will make me smile.

What do I do? I don't know if he is at least a little attracted to me or not. What should I do if he is? Just play it cool?

Thank you so much, Victor

VictorM's advice:

A boy would not pay that much attention to you if he didn't find you attractive. That's for sure. But boys around your age are commonly not ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet. Some are, but many are not. So you're better off continuing to be nice, laugh, and play it cool.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: rosemary
Age: 31
Location: nigeria
Question: i have a boyfriend who lives in another part of the town, he came to visit me once but each time i told him i was coming to visit him he refuses and yet he has not come to visit again. he says his studies and other things are keeping him back. few months ago, he proposed marriage to me through phone and said he was coming soon for the engagement proper. just last two weeks, i discovered he has another girlfriend who is living with him. what i don't understand is why he would want to marry me when there is another girl. is it that he does not love her or that he is playing me

VictorM's advice:

I don't think he ever meant to marry you. He probably was saying what you wanted to hear just to get from you whatever it is he was after.

Submitted on Monday, January 25, 2010
By: Shelly
Age: 15
Location: Wisconsin
Question: Is he cheating in a way?

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about a year were sophomores but he should be a junior. He plays basketball and is always going to practice for hours and hours and we can barely hang out anymore. When we can talk I found out he thought this girl was hot. He said she’s a really good friend and they’ve known each other for a long time, but she’s in 8th grade. I also was just looking through his phone one day while we were watching a game just changing the background and messing around and I found that he was texting her a lot while he was texting me and he admitted that he was texting her back while ignoring my texts for a little. The texts were really flirty saying things like “you’re definitely in my top 5 :)”. They just kept using smiley faces. But he said he wasn’t flirting. So I’m wondering first, are smiley faces in texts considered flirting especially when he thinks the girl is hot? And is this kind of cheating or should I just get over it? Thanks for your advice.

VictorM's advice:

Whether someone is cheating is up to you. Cheating need not involve sex. Anything that is a betrayal of your trust could be cheating. The question is whether you think it's severe enough to make you lose trust or whether you think it's just irresponsibility or lack of thinking.

Boys, especially around your age, will want to have their egos boosted. And nothing does that like the attention of pretty girls, even if they have a girlfriend. Is this all he was doing? I don't know. Even if it was all he was doing, is it enough to break your trust? Only you can say.

Was he flirting? It's hard to imagine he was doing anything but that, however, the question is: was he doing it to score points with her or was he doing it just to boost his own ego?

Sorry I can't give you a definite answer. You ultimately have to do what your gut tells you. Trust what you feel -- you're probably right.