SAUGUS, Calif. Mar 25, 2006 (AP)— Sonia Goldstein was flattered by the nice recruiting letter asking her to consider becoming one of "the few, the proud." But at age 78, she believes she's just a little old to enlist in the U.S. Marine Corps... The letter told her the corps could use her unique language skills, but also warned that life as a Marine would test her physical and mental abilities... "There I am with my walker. I can't maneuver from here to there without it," said Goldstein, who added that her only language is English. "I'll do whatever I could for this wonderful country we live in," she said. "But you know, this is kind of stretching it a bit."

GRANGER, Wash. Mar 25, 2006 (AP)— A man found stuck in a Washington bank chimney didn't try to cover up his intent. "We asked him what he was doing down there and he said, 'What do you think? I'm trying to rob the bank," said Police Chief Robert Perales. Firefighters threw down a rope and pulled out a soot-covered 26-year-old man, who was arrested on the spot.

A man with no arms has been caught speeding at 121 km/h (75 mph), according to police in New Zealand. The driver, who used one foot to steer and another to operate the pedals, told officers he was born with no arms but had been driving for years... Senior Constable Brent Gray approached the driver's window, saw a foot on the dashboard and noticed the seat was reclined. Mr Gray told colleagues he thought the man had an "attitude", then noticed the driver had no arms... The driver told police he had never held a driving licence.

WASHINGTON -- Commuters racing to catch the train typically forget things in the car -- keys, wallets, briefcases. But a baby daughter? "Dad forgot baby was in the car, parked the car, got on the Metro," said Lucille Baur, a spokeswoman for the Montgomery County, Md., Police Department. "I don't know exactly when he got the memory flash, but he was in D.C. when it was the horrible defining moment, 'Oh my goodness, I think I've left my child back in my car,'" Baur said... other commuters had noticed the 7 1/2-month-old girl in the back seat of the car, firefighters had opened the locked door and the child had been taken to a hospital as a precaution... [the father] described as "terrified, embarrassed," was charged with leaving a child under 8 unattended in a car or building. He could face a fine of up to $500 and 30 days in jail.

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands — The Bruintjes family says a city inspector was barking up the wrong tree when he handed them an euro80 (US$97) bill for the Dutch dog tax... It was the second year in a row the family had a run-in with authorities over their doorbell, which plays 15 different barking noises... "Last year it was a huge effort to convince the inspector that we didn't have a dog, and now it's happened again"... In the Netherlands, dog owners are required to pay the "hondenbelasting," an infamous annual tax that is frequently evaded... After pressing the doorbell and hearing the barks, the inspector in the city of Oldenzaal simply pushed a bill through the family's mail slot.

NICOSIA, Cyprus -- Irate villagers are seeking the person who planted wheat in their local cemetery... "It's an unacceptable act. It is a matter of respect for the dead," said Michalakis Christodoulou, head of the local council... The locals discovered the deed when the wheat began to show... Next week the local council and church committee meet to decide their options... "I personally will not let it drop. Sooner or later we'll discover who he is," Christodoulou said.

Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis. Fik, 33... when confronted by police... hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody. "We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own," said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan... Doctors... reattached Fik's penis.

MEXICO CITY - A Mexican husband and wife were recovering separately after a marital spat got out of control and saw them firing guns, throwing knives and hurling homemade bombs, Mexican daily Milenio said Monday. In scenes taken straight out of the hit romantic comedy “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Juan Espinosa and Irma Contreras fought until their house blew up in a homemade gasoline bomb explosion, Milenio said.

FORT PIERCE, Fla. - Paul Kuschel would have been better off naked - like many of the folks at Sunnier Palms Nudist Park. Instead, he was wearing a pair of nylon shorts Sunday when a generator he was working on backfired and sprayed him with starter fluid, setting him ablaze. "I would have been better off wearing nothing on at all." Kuschel reported to his carpentry job Monday morning... "I'm just a tough old mule," Kuschel said. "And I don't want to lose this job."

LOUISVILLE, Ky. - A middle school teacher was fired Tuesday after being accused of biting one of her students. Caroline Kolb also is facing an aggravated assault charge in... Garrick Hudsons mother, Cassandra Hicks, said the incident occurred... when her son disobeyed Kolbs order to spit out some candy. Kolb told him to stand in the hallway, but he returned to get his books, she said. As Kolb and Garrick struggled over the books, he fell and hit his head and she "started biting him on his left upper shoulder."

Robert E. Mays, 64, an associate dean at the University of Southern Indiana, was charged with battery and operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated... Mays was driving on U.S. 41 in northern Evansville Tuesday night when he hit a vehicle in front of him... A passer-by who stopped to check on Mays tried to stop him from returning to his car. Mays then bent down and bit the man's calf, leaving a bruise and teeth marks, police said.

There are many bring-a-child-to-work days, but none like what police in this Seattle suburb say they encountered early Monday a 10-year-old boy watching his father and two other men burglarize motor vehicles... Police... added that he knew what his father and the others were doing. He was returned to his mother and police said they were contacting state Child Protective Services, which could investigate further.

When a dump truck backed into Curtis Gokey's car, he decided to sue the city for damages. Only thing is, he was the one driving the dump truck. But that minor detail didn't stop Gokey, a Lodi city employee, from filing a $3,600 claim for the December accident, even after admitting the crash was his fault. After the city denied that claim because Gokey was, in essence, suing himself, he and his wife, Rhonda, decided to file a new claim under her name... In fact, her claim... is for an even larger amount $4,800. "I'm not as nice as my husband is," she said.

The maids at the Siesta Motor Lodge in North Charleston armed themselves with a plunger and mop after accusing each other of taking toilet paper from each other's cleaning carts... Deloris Smith, 47, is charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature... The argument began about 9:40 a.m. Thursday in the motel's laundry room. The 52-year-old maid wounded in the scuffle said Smith grabbed a mop and hit her on the arms. She was taken to a hospital with minor injuries, police said. Smith said she was defending herself from her co-worker's plunger.

John Skinner, 54, said he was on his way to Bible study on Jan. 23 when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy, 25, knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram... when Skinner agreed to let her perform, knife wielding Richard Adam, 23, allegedly forced his way inside and told Skinner he owed Murphy, owner of Bikini Assassins, and another woman money for earlier services... Skinner said she fell asleep before they could have sex... Murphy went upstairs to find valuables and returned with thong underwear and medication for erectile dysfunction. The pair allegedly tried to take Skinner's car, but it was out of gas.

A school bus driver has been arrested and fired after allegedly dropping off a 6-year-old boy six miles from home. Kathryn Gilbraith, 53, is accused of telling the boy to get off the bus and walk home after he missed his stop on Monday... Gilbraith defended her actions, saying she was a substitute driver on a bus route she had never done before and was running 20 minutes late... "My perception is that he had gotten on the wrong bus," said Gilbraith... Gilbraith said the boy was upset, but it didn't affect her decision because "6-year-olds get upset if a leaf falls."

Tel Aviv (dpa) - British tourist Sharon Tendler has finally made her dream match - by "marrying" a dolphin she has been visiting for 15 years in the Israeli resort of Eilat... Tendler, 41, has been visiting the city on the Gulf of Aqaba two or three times a year to spend time with her 35-year-old underwater sweetheart... The wedding took place Wednesday, with the bride, wearing a white dress and watched by amazed spectators, walking down the dock to where the groom was waiting in the water.... "I'm the happiest girl on earth," the bride was quoted as saying. "I made a dream come true. And I am not a pervert."

FREDERICK, Md. Mar 6, 2006 (AP)— Hood College is reviewing its homecoming rules after a lesbian was crowned king, a college official says. But Jennifer Jones, the 21-year-old senior who beat out three men for the honor, says her victory last month was a plus for the private liberal-arts college... "If people didn't want me to be king, they wouldn't have nominated me and voted for me."... Santo Provenzano, 21, who competed for king, said Jones' selection made the event seem like a joke.

WEST MIFFLIN, Pa. Mar 6, 2006 (AP)— A 75-year-old woman accused of robbing a bank with an unloaded pistol was arrested after a tow truck driver blocked her in after a short chase, police said. Marilyn Divine of Baldwin said after her arrest that she acted "to help people who are starving to death and nobody cares about them."... A former bank employee chased the woman's car until police took over and arrested her after a short, low-speed chase when the tow truck blocked her path.

SYDNEY, Australia Mar 6, 2006 (AP)— Sturdier toilets may be on their way in Australia to cope with the country's increasingly obese population... Standards Australia spokeswoman Kate Evans said the current industry standard for toilet seats is just 100 pounds and that the group is looking to increase it to 330 pounds... "If you are going to sit on it, you want it to hold you."

CLEVELAND (AP)— Eighty-one-year-old Myron Manders wants the Social Security Administration to know that he still is alive. The problem is, it doesn't seem to be listening... Manders, who describes himself as an almost-retired architect, sought to clear up the problem by showing up at a Social Security office. The in-person appearance did not help... The latest correspondence from Social Security came Monday addressed to Eunice [the wife], advising she is entitled to monthly widow's benefits. Myron Manders would not say exactly what was going through his mind. "Curse words," he hinted.

PITTSBURGH - A woman who claimed she was trying to cheat on a drug test was behind a bizarre incident in which a frightened convenience store clerk thought she had microwaved a severed penis, police said... The incident unfolded... when a man and a woman entered the store and the man asked the clerk, "Can you microwave something for me? It's a life-or-death situation,"... The man asked for paper towels, wrapped an object in them, and had the clerk microwave the item for 20 seconds... When it was finished, the clerk handed the item back to the man and saw what she thought was a severed penis... The woman told police she was applying for a job and was required to take a drug test. She said the man had filled the device with his urine, which she planned to submit for the test... the couple stopped to warm the device in the microwave so the urine would "pass the body temperature test,"... police weren't sure why the woman was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia... Giant Eagle, which owns the convenience store, said the microwave will be discarded.

MANCHESTER, Conn. - Thomas Haley was unloading supplies for his job at Hardy's Hardware when he said something odd caught his eye: the face of Jesus Christ on a piece of sheet metal. Now, Haley and a co-worker are hawking the holy hardware on eBay, hoping potential bidders will agree that the blurry oil stain on the sheet metal does, indeed, resemble Jesus. "I mean, it hasn't done anything miraculous as of yet, but seeing it is kind of groovy," said Haley, 23... But he's still a little ambivalent about the sale. "I feel kind of bad just pawning off Christ," Haley said.

STEVENS POINT, Wis. - A woman didn't have to look far to figure out who likely broke into her home and took a camera from her purse. Police said the burglar left behind his probation and parole card. The woman was going through her purse... She found the man's probation and parole card... "He must've had the card in his hand when he went into her purse."

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Playboy won't pull its March issue over actress Jessica Alba's claim that she was made an unwitting cover girl to fool readers into thinking she is nude inside, the magazine said on Friday... Lawyers for Alba, 24, have threatened to sue Playboy unless the issue was pulled off the stands and demanded that the "Fantastic Four" star be compensated for damage to her image... Playboy said Alba was placed on the cover after being chosen "sexiest star of the year" by its readers... The magazine added that celebrities routinely grace its cover without appearing naked inside.

LONDON - A Scottish distillery said Monday it was reviving a centuries-old recipe for whisky so strong that one 17th-century writer feared more than two spoonfuls could be lethal. Risk-taking whisky connoisseurs will have to wait, however - the spirit will not be ready for at least 10 years. The Bruichladdich distillery on the Isle of Islay, off Scotland's west coast, is producing the quadruple-distilled 184-proof - or 92 percent alcohol - spirit "purely for fun".

MOSCOW - The Russian military got an unpleasant surprise on the eve of its only holiday. Dozens of posters plastered across Moscow screamed the military salute "Congrats to the Russian Soldiers," but depicted the American warship USS Missouri. The posters were swiftly taken down once the gaffe was realized on the eve of Defender of the Motherland Day, celebrated annually on Feb. 23. The error was so obvious that Vycheslav Sedov, a Defense Ministry press officer, quickly disowned responsibility for the posters... He added that civilians created the posters and that they were clearly “incompetent.”

PENSACOLA, Fla. - A middle school gym teacher let children sit out his class if they paid him $1 a day, collecting perhaps thousands of dollars, officials said Thursday. Terence Braxton, 28, took the payoffs between September and December, resigning after the principal learned of the scheme from a parent, authorities said.

MOSS BLUFF, Fla. - A man accused of fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet paper in their home
has been arrested.