May 24, 2006 — There are a lot of lies out there about marriage that prospective brides and grooms, newlyweds, and long-married couples believe. Psychologist Robin L. Smith debunks many of them in her best-selling book, "Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages." Smith's book includes 276 questions for people to ask themselves and their partner if they're thinking about getting married, or have been married for years and are looking for a new road map.

This article lists 4 of the 276 questions. I like these 2 in particular:

The past is over.
The truth is that the past is driving you to the chapel or the temple or the synagogue. Until you deal with the past, it will follow you. It's like luggage that you pack and you think you can leave in one city. When you arrive in the next one, your luggage is there too. You can't just get rid of it. You have to deal with it.

Anything is better than being alone.
The truth is that being alone and free is better than being together and controlled. Growing into the human beings we are is our birthright that we are given by God and born to do. Marriage is the best place for that to happen when we show up as grown-ups.

Tags: dating, singles

Interesting comments about Deborah Levine and her book The Joy of Cybersex: A Creative Guide for Lovers.

Deborah took a lot of criticism about her book, but it was the first to look at the internet's role in sexuality from a perspective other than fear.

"I still struggle with the word 'cybersex' because of all the negative connotations that surround it, the image of lewd loners in a corner," she says. "I get tired of fighting that, so in the classes I teach (about sexuality and the internet), I say right up front that I'm a 'happy sex' person."

She first saw the power of the internet in communicating about sexual health when she launched Go Ask Alice, a general health resource for students at Columbia University, in 1993. "More than 60 percent of the questions we received dealt with sexuality," she says. "The internet is an incredible tool for teaching and learning about sexual health. It is far superior to most other media."

Something about the computer takes away the embarrassment around sexuality and sexual health issues, she says, freeing people to communicate more openly than they would in person.

I didn't read her book but second the opinion that it's easier to chat about sex over the internet than in person.

Tags: dating, singles, sex, cybersex

My boss tapped on my shoulder to introduce me to the new team member joining us. As I turned around I was staring at a fairly attractive woman.

Later, at lunch, with a few of guys, we obviously had to discuss the new team member. The general consensus was that she’s an attractive woman… for her age.

"For her age". That part caught my attention because it’s uttered quite often. “How old is she?” I asked. No one knew. So, I said, how can she be “attractive for her age” if we don’t know her age? If she were 25 would we still think she’s attractive? Well, they said, clearly she’s not in her 20’s. OK, agreed, but if she’s really 40 or 60, would “attractive for her age” still apply? We never say that about a college age woman, so why the “for her age” in this case?

I probed further and my conclusion is that most guys have pretty much given up on finding attractive women in their 40’s. When an attractive woman around that age shows up, the “for her age” modifier becomes part of the language.

So, how old do we think she is? The general opinions ranged from 40 to 45.

A couple of days later we found out she’s 41. Yeah, she looks OK … for her age.

I read this at MSN and found it to be good advice:

People in long-term relationships are accustomed to having someone around. They're used to touching, talking and thinking for two. Being with someone feels familiar to them -- and studies show that human beings crave familiarity. However, being intrinsically lazy, our brain doesn't really care if "familiar" isn't actually a nice place to be -- for example, single and lonely. That's why the girl who's just broken up with her long-term love tends to find a new boyfriend rapidly, while your single girlfriend stays perennially single. So if you've been single for ages without so much as a drunken one-night stand, you'll need to shock your system into change. Breaking the drought not only makes you feel relieved ("Maybe I will find another boyfriend after all"), it also prepares you for change.

Now, it's not my place to tell you to get out there, grab the first half-decent guy who looks your way, flirt your bottom off and slam him against the nearest wall for a game of tonsil-hockey (and maybe a quick feel). But that could be exactly what you need. Your brain has forgotten what touching, kissing and sex feel like, so it's stopped telling you to get out there and find it. Give it a shot: Consider having a few flings-for-fling-sake. You'll send off far more relaxed, sexy vibes because you'll feel attractive and desirable again.


Tags: dating, singles

Try as many of these tips as you like — the more, the merrier your lovemaking.

Take a walk at lunch: In a study of women ages 45 to 55, sexual satisfaction correlated directly to fitness. “The less exercise they got, the lower their desire and sexual satisfaction,” says study author Judith R. Gerber, a psychologist at the University of Vermont College of Medicine.

Read something kinky: Erotic literature “can quickly jump-start arousal,” says Carol Queen, a sexologist who works at Good Vibrations, a woman-owned sex shop in San Francisco. She recommends the Herotica series, written by women, and The Diary of Anais Nin. Queen says the book is “perfect for anyone who’s not ready to get into bold four-letter words.”

Flex your muscle: Flexing your pelvic floor muscles — the ones that stop the flow of urine — instantly increases desire and sexual sensation because you’re mimicking the contractions of orgasm, says sex educator Patti Britton.

Have a massage: “The skin-on-skin contact stimulates the sex hormone oxytocin,” says Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. “The more oxytocin released, the more desire a woman will feel.”

Take a shower — together: Being clean makes you feel sexier and more open.

Slip into something sexy: Putting on a pair of black stilettos or a sheer cami invigorates you sexually because it makes you feel more daring.

(I'm sure that last one applies to females, so guys, calm down.)

To read more about this topic and follow 4 couples and what specific advice they got, read this article.

Tags: dating, singles