Feb. 25, 2006 Psychology has an improbable new rock star in Steven Hayes, a 57-year-old University of Nevada professor whose newest book, "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life," coauthored with Spencer Smith, earned him a splashy profile in the Feb. 13 edition of Time magazine.

Why? Look no further than Time's summation of the radical message of "Get Out of Your Mind": "It says at the outset that its advice cannot cure the reader's pain ... it advises sufferers not to fight negative feelings but to accept them as part of life. Happiness, the book says, is not normal." And there it is again: "Happiness isn't normal." It's that maxim -- along with the first sentence of the book, "People suffer" -- that grabs you.

The above is part of this interview that you can read in full but contains this very spot-on question and answer about the catchphrase "Happiness isn't normal":

What does that mean? Could you give a specific example?
Say you've been betrayed in love. Now, the reasonable, sensible thing to do is say, "I'm not going to be that vulnerable again." But precisely the reason you loved to begin with was because you wanted to be intimate, known, connected. That's the reason it hurt so much. But because you don't want to be vulnerable, it prevents you from being connected and intimate, even if you are in a relationship. Now, would a person who's living in a relationship like that say they're happy? They might. But do they have the intimacy and connection they so badly want? No. We have to ask why it is that we have such issues of substance abuse and addiction, self-control problems and even suicide when most people say they're happy. It's because most people aren't living the ways they want to be living, and that comes from how they're managing their own pain.

Anyway, even though much of what he says sounds like Scott Peck's A Road Less Traveled, the interview is short and interesting.

Ah... so you've gone through a bitter divorce, feel depressed, are on your own, and what do you do? Well, if you're writer Elizabeth Gilbert, you go on self-discovery journey:

Feb. 23, 2006 Reeling from an ugly divorce, hobbled by debilitating depression, and suffering from a particularly noxious case of obsessive love, Elizabeth Gilbert did what most of us only fantasize about doing when our lives are falling apart: She split. Unencumbered by children or an office job, the 34-year-old writer secured a book deal and took off for a year to take in three locales she felt could help heal her battered psyche. "Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia," the chronicle of that journey, is equal parts travelogue, self-help book, and spiritual memoir. It is the story of an ambitious and accomplished New Yorker who one night finds herself on the bathroom floor of her Hudson Valley home, sobbing and praying to God for the first time in her life: Please tell me what to do.

That night marks the beginning of Gilbert's "conversation with God." Though she is felled by depression, Gilbert, through prayer and meditation, realizes that she has to doggedly pursue that which eludes her (and most of us) -- contentment, forgiveness, grace. She finds a spiritual teacher -- an Indian guru with tens of thousands of devotees -- and begins chanting with a group of her followers in New York, "regular-looking people praying to God." After hearing the guru speak in person, and finding herself with "chills bumps" over her whole body, even the skin of her face -- she decides to get serious about her spiritual practice. And so she sets off to Italy to explore the art of pleasure, to India to practice the art of devotion, and to Indonesia to practice the art of balancing both.

Gilbert's voyage begins in Rome, where she rents an apartment in an upscale neighborhood and signs up for Italian lessons for no reason other than that the language is "more beautiful than roses."

OK, this is all fine, but it reminded me of the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. How many people reading this could afford to go on a trip and rent "an apartment in an upscale neighborhood" in Italy? Just like the movie, which paints a very unrealistic alternative to most of us, I find these kinds of books hurt more than they help those of us living in the real world. They may be fine as novels but I question their usefulness as self-help.

You can read the book review here.

Tags: book, singles, divorce, eat, pray, love

Oh man, it's just getting harder to be a man. Now, we have to start competing with iBuzz. And what is iBuzz? Well, according to the company's website:

iBuzz is the musical orgasm machine! The music-activated vibrating bullet stimulates you in time with your favourite music. Which song pushes your buttons?

How can a guy compete with Ravel's Bolero playing on her iPod?

At least we can hope that a few of them will play Green Day and electrocute themselves.

If not... well, at least we can still take out the trash.

Tags: ipod, singles, orgasm, vibrator, sex

From this article

When I was having lots of cybersex, I kept a notebook by my computer so I could jot down details about my cyber partners. I noted fantasies they liked, titles they mentioned, their real names if known. I tracked birthdays, significant events like the date we first cybered, age, marital status, time zones and political leanings.

I wouldn't do this during sex, of course, but during our interaction in the chat room -- often long before we hooked up in private, if we ever did. By the time I left, even Fonzie would have envied my little black book.

Girlfriend X, a new breed of "relationship management software," combines the tongue-in-cheek attitude of a Bud Lite commercial with an obsessively detailed personal information manager, offering the male version of the relationship quizzes and checklists often found in women's magazines.

In addition to storing each woman's contact information and picture, the Girlfriend profiles include a Score Card where you track her sexual preferences, her menstrual cycles and how she styles her pubic hair.

And directly from the program's website:

Imagine wearing one of those little wireless earphones like the Secret Service wear and having a full-time dating coach whisper hints on how to meet and keep that beautiful girl across the room.

Imagine having a full-time administrative assistant who regularly sends sweet messages and virtual flowers to all of your girlfriends, in your name, using e-mail and SMS.

Well... relationship management software. How about that? I don't even know where to begin.

I wouldn't be surprised if this sells well. One of the great "joys" of internet dating, as I have written before, is the ability to be a Don Juan with virtually an unlimited number of women. And now, to be able to get all the little details straight. Man... this is a gold mine.

Now women not only have to worry about a guy not being attentive enough, they have to worry about him being too attentive, lest his remarkable memory and thoughtfulness be the results of a computer program.


Tags: dating, singles, online, relationship, cybersex, attentive

Extracted from this article: Forbidden fruits -- A new book explores the juicy relationship between food and sex.

Feb. 13, 2006 Sweethearts "hunger" for each other's caress. Crooners compose ballads about the "taste" of sweet lips. After a spirited romp with a lover, we talk of feeling "sated" and "satisfied." Indeed, since our first meal at our mother's breast -- not to mention the moment Eve took a bite of that infamous apple -- our edible world has been inextricably bound to the erotic.

A new book by food writer Bunny Crumpacker, "The Sex Life of Food: When Body and Soul Meet to Eat," takes an expansive look at that loaded relationship, mingling culinary history, psychology and pop culture to better understand what we crave, and why. Whether it is the simple comforting pleasures of macaroni and cheese or vanilla ice cream, or the thrilling exoticism of fine caviar, foods soothe not only physical but emotional aches. Some foods mirror our moods; a bowl of cold cereal begs to be eaten alone while a roast turkey symbolizes a feast to be shared. Meeting your valentine for a meal? Pay close attention, Crumpacker warns, because eating can be as much a test of sexual compatibility as a matter of sustenance.

With luscious descriptions and spicy stories of gastronomic erotica, Crumpacker's book leaves readers with a renewed appetite -- and lends credence to the maxim that we're defined not only by what we eat but by how we eat.

I don't know about you, but Outback's Sydney Sinful Sundea screams "orgy" at me.

And for the sexiest scene in a movie starring food, I suggest "Tom Jones", the 1964 Oscar winner (was nominated for 9 Oscars, won 4 of them), starring Albert Finney. And yes, the What's New Pussycat singer got his stage name from this movie. Anyway, it has one heck of an erotic scene where I don't believe a word is said, all the action takes place with food.


Tags: sex, food, erotic, erotica

In this article at Salon "six writers share the Valentine's Day goodies that really get their hearts racing". One of the six caught my attention. I'll tell you at the bottom why.

Heartache, overheard
Can sadness be sexy? Ask the Portuguese. They invented the musical form fado, and they gave the world its queen, Amalia Rodrigues. Fado is the sound of raw longing. It's the taste of something you never had, or maybe had once but haven't been able to get out of your head since. While the style, which takes its name from the Portuguese word for "fate," frequently touches on the hardships of life or the love of the sea, it never strays far from its deeply romantic essence.

Fado is the melody that comes streaming out of taverns, places where the smell of nicotine still hangs in the air and wine flows freely. It's music played very late at night, in dark corners, to accompany stolen kisses. In a genre that has been virtually unchanged in nearly 200 years, no one has ever quite stamped such unique sincerity and bittersweet beauty on the music as Amalia. To listen to her voice, wrapped around the soft strum of a guitar, is to be quietly dazzled by the universality of the emotion she conveys.

Is there a place in the 21st century for songs of lovers swept away by storms, for voices that would never win in any television popularity contests? And while of course there's a place for songs that ask what you're going to do with all that junk inside your trunk, what about music that grapples with the "sad fate" of "hard passion"?

So, should you find yourself alone one night with someone who will be gone in the morning, put a little Amalia on while your candle burns at both ends. Does it matter if you can't translate the words? No more than it does to go weak in the knees at the sight of a lover, to feel a shiver at a touch. Hers is a voice that scrapes, that trembles, that strives not for technical perfection but simple release, however fleeting. And if later, you find yourself just plain alone one night, put on a little Amalia again, and
revel in the exquisite sting.

-- Mary Elizabeth Williams

The reason this caught my attention is because I'm Portuguese. I grew-up listening to Amalia. But my two cents here: There is no doubt Amalia is the queen of Fado but many of her recordings, because of their age, lack the production quality we're used to today. There are enough good CDs of her but they may be hard to find. If you want to give Fado a try, look for another Fado superstar. Her name is Mariza and the production quality of her CDs are top notch. The one CD I have that I love is called Fado Curvo.

From a story here:

"Tomorrow, Melinda's boyfriend, Army medic Cpl. Joel Buchannan, will likely return from his third tour of duty on the front lines of Iraq. Like all the other girlfriends who have flown into town to meet their significants, Melinda is determined that everything will be perfect on this first night back on American soil. But she, perhaps, is taking a bigger gamble than most. She and Joel, also from Southern California, have been dating for nine months. They've exchanged secrets and sexual histories, talked marriage, gotten her daughters and his 9-year-old son acquainted with the idea that there's an important new grown-up around... But there's one thing the couple hasn't done yet: met in person. Their whole relationship has taken place on the phone and online, with Melinda in California and Joel in Iraq, some 8,000 miles away."

I wish them all the luck. I sure hope it works for them. But... oh nothing. I'll be quiet.

GLORIA, 57 from MICHIGAN asks:
I met this wonderful guy online. We’ve been talking mostly all day for 6 months. We have discussed our lives and our likes and dislikes, but we have not met each other yet. He says he loves me and wants me in his life. I also feel I love him. Do you think it’s possible to be in love with someone you haven’t met before? Thank you, Gloria.

I believe it's possible to be enchanted or even smitten by someone you chat with online, but I do not think that whatever feelings you have are feelings of love in the traditional sense. What you are feeling is what I call "the option of endless possibilities". Let me explain.

If someone blindfolds you and says he's taking you shopping for your birthday gift, you'd think he's buying a diamond, a car, an expensive dress, take you to the finest restaurant in town, fly you to Jamaica for a romantic getaway, etc. The normal reaction is to think of the best gifts because the option of endless possibilities allows you to think so.

If, on the other hand, he says: "Honey, let's got to Sears for your birthday gift", your possibilities for what you can get are limited. Dreaming and fantasizing isn't likely to enter the picture (unless getting a dishwasher is your idea of bliss).

So, chatting with someone online, opens the door to the option of endless possibilities. Of course, you want him to be your Prince Charming and guess what? In your mind he starts fitting that part. It's not just because he may be saying the right things, it's mostly because you start filling in the blanks with thoughts of perfection.

But we humans are very phsysical beings. We need to touch, smell, see... and none of those can happen until you're face to face. Does he chew with his mouth open? Is he a cheap tipper? Does he have tics, sayings, or gestures that annoy you? Does he have body odor? Does he dress nicely? Does he walk 5 feet in front you? Does he pick his nose in front of you? I could go on but I think you get the idea.

No, you're not in love; you're in love with the option of endless possibilites. Until you spend some time with him in person, you're no more in love with him than I am with Annie Reed (Meg Ryan's character in Sleepless in Seattle).

I suggest you arrange to meet in person as soon as possible.

I answered a similar question in Ask A Guy. Not all of it aplies to you, but most of it does. You can check it here.

Hey! Hey! It's exciting to see the Submit Form being used.

Mark, 39 from: London
Says: Hey, I totally relate to your blog...it's really a jungle out there mate, and I'm glad there's somewhere I can log on and feel better about myself!! You might want to share this with your readers, it's an ebook written by a girl in her 20s. Talks about dating as a business project - I tried a few of her tips, and I reckon others might find it useful [url omitted] thanks my man, Mark

VictorM's comment:

The link supplied by Mark is for a book that you can purchase. Now, I don't know Mark at all and please Mark, don't take this personally, but for all I know this could be spam. On the other hand, it's possible that this is legit and a good recommendation. So Mark, my man, if you're reading this, I think it would be great if you could write a paragraph or two about how this book helped you. If you write that I'll know you're not just a spam bot, I'll post the link, and we'll all live happily ever after.

While we wait for Mark to reply let me say that when I became single, after being with the same woman for 20 years, I needed all the help I could get to start dating again. Reading self-help books was my way. I have quite a bit to share in this area, but let me start with this story.

From each and every self-help book that I read I always got something useful. In same cases, it was just confirmation of something I already knew, but in many cases there were little tidbits that made the difference. Most of the self-help books I read were in the personal growth area, but I bought one book called something like How to Pick-up Girls (I can't remember the exact title). Despite the cheese title, there were some useful tips in it. I'll talk about one such tip and how well it worked.

One of the tips in the book was about paying compliments and how you should do it on the first date. The book was clear that it needed to be an honest compliment and that if said the right way and at the right time it would have enormous impact.

At that time, I had agreed to meet one of my co-worker's friends as a blind date. She and I had talked on the phone once, but I had no idea what she looked like. We met at a bar close to her house. When she arrived, I was relieved that she was quite attractive. She told me she only had about 30 minutes because a friend of hers was coming to meet her at her house.

Of course, the first thing I thought of was that she must have been reading the same books I was, because she took the words out of my mouth. (Remember, always, always set your first date to be a short one in case you want to bail out. You can always "cancel your obligation" if things are going well, but you have a great excuse for a getaway if thing's aren't working out.)

Anyway, so we sat down and started talking. We got along really well, but I was determined to try the tip from the book. So, when I started talking about something, in the middle of my sentence I said: "My... you have stunning blue eyes... oh... sorry, where was I?..." and continued on with what I was saying. Well, this woman had a permanent smile on the rest of the night, and of course, there was no friend coming to meet her. In fact, she had arranged for her 2 kids to sleep somewhere else that night in case we got along. We did.

I think the reason my compliment worked so well was because of one reason: she really did have stunning blue eyes.

We got along really well for a little while, but one day, when I was taken in handcuffs by the police because of her (indirectly -- but this a story for another day), I thought that was enough. Time to move on.

Tags: self-help, singles, books, compliment

I received this question at the Ask A Real Guy blog, but felt it was more appropriate to answer it here.

marilyn, 50, from Texas asks:
How would I start to date again being this old?

There are a large number of men out there wondering where they can find 50 year old women. But not just any 50 year old woman. They are looking for women to make their lives more enjoyable. And this is where things get complicated.

As a 50-something myself, I can tell you what's the biggest turn-off about women your age: baggage. If on your first date you come across as bitter and unhappy, if you dress like you're going to a funeral, if you remind a guy of his mother, forget it. So, before you go out there, adjust your attitude, brighten up you wardrobe, and smile. Do something that makes you feel like a new person. I don't know, change your hairstyle, for example.

You can try the usual methods -- personal ads in the local paper or online, dating services, speed dating, etc. -- most will cost you some money, at least to be able to contact the men, some services will be free if they contact you. There are plenty of online sites you can choose from.

Don't lie about your age, your weight, your values and your preferences. Most of us have pretty good sensors about people. We may not be able to pick up any one specific lie but we can generally tell when someone is full of shit, so be yourself.

I suggest you start by letting friends, family, and coworkers know that you are in a dating mode. There's nothing wrong with mentioning to those around you. After all, if you're willing to meet strangers from some online services, why not meet men that at least someone you know can vouch for? Sure, anyone can pair you up with a loser, but your odds are still better if friends vet that person than with a total stranger.

If you're a religious person who attends services, let your religious leader and fellow congregation members know you're looking to date. Again, the odds are in your favor of finding someone with similar values.

Participate in activities that you like and where you could meet men. The two advantages to this are: if you meet a man there at least you know right off the bat you have something in common, and two, if you don't meet a man, at least you spent your time doing something you like. As an example, I was living in New York City area and since I love movies, I joined a movie club (a group of people who every week go see a movie and 3 days later meet in a social setting to discuss that movie.) I never met anyone there that I was interested in but I learned a lot about movies and enjoyed the meetings.

Don't be afraid of blind dates or meeting new people. Every single women I met was, in one way or another, at least worth that first date. Even if you don't hit it off with a man, some will make you laugh, some will teach you something you never knew before, some will talk with passion about things you think are trivial, some will be so pathetic that you come home and thank the almighty you're not them, some... well, some may not be so much fun that night but everyone of those has been great for a few laughs with my friends later.

Oh, and one last thing: Don't go out there thinking you're going to meet Brad Pitt -- he doesn't exist in our world. If you give the average Joe a chance, the rewards will be yours; either you find a good man or you will feed your soul some positive nuggets. Either way, you win.


Anyone with further suggestions for Marilyn, please use the VISITOR COMMENTS section below

Tags: dating, singles, 50-something

If you notice, over to the left side of the page there's a box for visitors to submit their own experiences. Think of it as a way to blog without the hassles of maintaining a blog. It hasn’t gotten too much use yet, however, I got this submission, which I’m posting exactly as submitted:

Lawal, 25, from Nigeria says: i need a lady will love and have a trust in her and that she will be mother of my baby. it,s migth be from any english language region in the world.

The reason this caught my attention is because oddly enough the last post I made had to do with dating scams called “Nigerian scams”.

My first reaction was that this was a joke, precisely because of the last post. But then Lawal made other submission on the site that lead me to believe this is no joke. I also don’t think it’s a scam; scam artists would write better... unless... that's exactly what this scam artist wants us to believe. Um… Nah, I don’t think so. I think Lawal is for real.

So, ladies, this looks like a golden opportunity. Notice that Lawal isn’t asking for too much. He’s not worried about your weight or height, if you smoke or drink, or what your religion is. All he’s asking is for you to come from an English-speaking region and bare his children. In return, you get love and trust. Sounds like a darn good deal to me. How many guys you meet at the local pub can promise you trust and love without even taking a peak at your boobs or asking if you shave down there?

Some of you may frown about Nigeria. Well, it is a poor country, but on the most recent survey I saw of the happiest people on Earth, Nigeria ranked number one. That’s right, number one! Happiest people on the planet. What a great opportunity for the romantic among you to show that love can conquer all, including poverty.

So, if you’re up for it, I suggest you contact Lawal and ask him to send you the money for a passport and traveling expenses. Tell him he can send you a check or cash. Cash, actually, would be better.

Oh darn… there’s only one problem: Lawal left no email address. Bummer!

Tags: trust, singles, love, nigeria, scam, romantic, dating, poverty