Joke submitted by BigBib, from Texas

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-comic-strip-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the managers we work for in corporate America, circa 2004:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Labels: boss joke, dilbert quotes, stupid men joke

An elderly couple were driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple were pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!”the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back. “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

Labels: cops joke, couples joke, old folks joke

“I finished the Oreos.”

“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”

“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess Pamela Lee had two kids!!”

“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”

“Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”

“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Williard Scott!”

“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

“Get your own ice cream.”

“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”

“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”

And the one Fatal Thing to NEVER, EVER, Say to Your Pregnant Wife......

“You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

Labels: one liner joke, stupid men joke, wife joke

There was a question in the scientific community regarding the need for the head of a man’s penis. Three countries assigned groups of scientists to determine just why a man’s penis had a head.

The French research group spent 1.4 million dollars to discover that the head of the penis was to provide pleasure for a woman during the act of sexual intercourse.

The American research group spent 2.8 million dollars to discover that the head of the man’s penis was to provide pleasure for a man during the act of secual intercourse.

The Italian research group spent $1.47 to discover that the head of the man’s penis was to keep your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead during masturbation.

Labels: penis joke, stupid men joke

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for Women gathering, and his blonde hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier, “ he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ “

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

Labels: blonde joke

Three car salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby. He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn’t be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition...
“Don’t draw attention to my son, he’s very sensitive because he was born without any ears.”

After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table the son noticed the salesmen were staring at him. “What are you looking at?”, he demanded.

The first salesman replied, “I was looking at your beautiful smile, it’s important to take care of your teeth so you don’t have to wear dentures.”

The second salesman said, “I was looking at your thick curly hair, it’s important to take care of your hair so you don’t go bald and have to wear a wig”.

The third said, “I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it’s important to take care of your eyes,....
Lord knows you can’t wear glasses.”

Labels: farmer joke

Joke submitted by RANJIT SINHA ROY, from: HYDERABAD, INDIA

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause,
"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says,"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731??"

Labels: couples joke

Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen blocking his view.

“Oh, stop it,” the young man scolds his organ, “It’s only me.”

Labels: gays joke

Joke submitted by RANJIT SINHA ROY, from HYDERABAD, INDIA

An old man was sitting on a bench at the park. A teenager walked to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically,"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied,"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Labels: old folks joke, teenager joke

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over as asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

The second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year!”

Labels: kids joke