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Wednesday, July 26, 2006
How much pain?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Labels: doctor joke, women joke
Friday, July 21, 2006
Three Tickets
Joke submitted by Donron:
The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."
"Why do we need three tickets?" asked the girl.
"They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister" he replied with a sheepish grin.
The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."
"Why do we need three tickets?" asked the girl.
"They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister" he replied with a sheepish grin.
Labels: couples joke
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Ugly Wal-Mart shopper
Irina, from Orlando, FL submited this joke:
A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "Heck, no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"Heck no," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "Heck, no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"Heck no," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
Labels: women joke
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Severe stress disorder
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied
Labels: couples joke, doctor joke, husband joke
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Southern Hospitality
Nate and Martin, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Nate's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Nate says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Barbara to show Martin her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do. Nate comes back with the beer and finds Martin and Barbara screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Nate yells, "What are you doing Barbara?"
She replies, "You told me to show Martin my best southern hospitality."
Nate replies "For cripe sake woman, arch your back, poor Martin's balls are on the cold floor."
Nate yells, "What are you doing Barbara?"
She replies, "You told me to show Martin my best southern hospitality."
Nate replies "For cripe sake woman, arch your back, poor Martin's balls are on the cold floor."
Labels: redneck joke, sex joke
Friday, July 07, 2006
The offside rule explained for girls
With the World Cup final match on Sunday, here's something useful:
The offside rule explained for girls:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
The offside rule explained for girls:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
Labels: women joke
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
10 things NOT to tell your boyfriend
10. Oh come on! Who's gonna find out?
9. Well, your brother likes it this way.
8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!
7. Dare to compare?
6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?
5. Is it supposed to bend that way?
4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?
3. Just go away I can finish myself!
2. I'm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!
1. Is it in yet?
9. Well, your brother likes it this way.
8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!
7. Dare to compare?
6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?
5. Is it supposed to bend that way?
4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?
3. Just go away I can finish myself!
2. I'm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!
1. Is it in yet?
Labels: top ten list joke, women joke
