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Monday, May 22, 2006
Most unusual funeral procession
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Doctor, Doctor Jokes
Doctor, Doctor jokes submitted by sillywilly from WI
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop.
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind. Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop.
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind. Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Trip to Rome
Joke submitted by mariah, from nj
A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome."
"So how are you getting there?"
"We're flying Continental," was the reply. We got a good rate."
"Continental," exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old. Their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome?", asked the hairdresser.
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste...."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive but it's really a dump - the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there?", quizzed the hairdresser.
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we are hoping to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."
A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel - it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge"
"Well, muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope.
"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser, "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where did you get that crappy hairdo?"
A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome."
"So how are you getting there?"
"We're flying Continental," was the reply. We got a good rate."
"Continental," exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old. Their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome?", asked the hairdresser.
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste...."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive but it's really a dump - the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there?", quizzed the hairdresser.
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we are hoping to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."
A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel - it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge"
"Well, muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope.
"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser, "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where did you get that crappy hairdo?"
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
You can't marry her
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Mum's the word
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
