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Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Dr. Phil says...
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Definition of ugly...
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. "Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. "Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Unfairness At Work
When I take a long time... I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time... he is thorough.
When I don't do it... I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it... he is too busy.
When I do something without being told... I am over-stepping my boundaries.
When my boss does the same thing... that is initiative.
When I take a stand... I am stubborn.
When my boss does it... he is being firm.
When I overlook a rule of etiquette... I am rude.
When my boss slips a few rules... he is being original.
When I please my boss... I am apple polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss... he is co-operating.
When I get ahead... I am lucky.
When my boss gets ahead... that's hard work.
When my boss takes a long time... he is thorough.
When I don't do it... I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it... he is too busy.
When I do something without being told... I am over-stepping my boundaries.
When my boss does the same thing... that is initiative.
When I take a stand... I am stubborn.
When my boss does it... he is being firm.
When I overlook a rule of etiquette... I am rude.
When my boss slips a few rules... he is being original.
When I please my boss... I am apple polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss... he is co-operating.
When I get ahead... I am lucky.
When my boss gets ahead... that's hard work.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Another Man
After a long night of making love, the guy rolled over and was looking around, when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, he began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she said.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied...
"That's me before the surgery."
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she said.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied...
"That's me before the surgery."
Monday, January 23, 2006
Differences between men and women
Joke submitted by gracie from Florida
1. A man will pay for a item he wants. A woman will pay for a item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
1. A man will pay for a item he wants. A woman will pay for a item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Paddy O'Reilly is driving home after a few pints...
Paddy O'Reilly is driving home after a few pints of Guinness down at the local pub.He turns a corner and, much to his dismay, he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and, almost too late, realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.He swerves again and discovers to his horror that his drive home has turned into a veritable slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees in his path.Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.Officer O'Malley approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.Paddy starts to tell his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him in mid-sentence and says, "Fer Chrissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Halloween Night Cab Ride
Joke submitted by carl from manhattan:
There was a taxi cab driver in New York. He was working on halloween. A Nun waved him down and he stopped. She climbed into the car and they started driving. The Taxi cab driver kept on looking in his rear view mirror at the nun, when finally she asked," My child, why are you staring at me?" And he answered her," I always wondered what It would be like to kiss a nun." So she said to him," Well, I'll let you kiss me but only if you are Christan and unmarried." And he quickly said," OH! YES! I'm Christian and unmarried." So she had him pull off into an alley and gave him a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they came out of the alley the taxi cab driver's eye's started to water, and the nun asked," My child, why are you crying?" And he told her," I have sinned, I am not a Christian and I am married with two kids." And the nun said," That's ok, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
There was a taxi cab driver in New York. He was working on halloween. A Nun waved him down and he stopped. She climbed into the car and they started driving. The Taxi cab driver kept on looking in his rear view mirror at the nun, when finally she asked," My child, why are you staring at me?" And he answered her," I always wondered what It would be like to kiss a nun." So she said to him," Well, I'll let you kiss me but only if you are Christan and unmarried." And he quickly said," OH! YES! I'm Christian and unmarried." So she had him pull off into an alley and gave him a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they came out of the alley the taxi cab driver's eye's started to water, and the nun asked," My child, why are you crying?" And he told her," I have sinned, I am not a Christian and I am married with two kids." And the nun said," That's ok, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Texas builds them faster
Joke submitted by carl from manhattan
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie."12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months." A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks." Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie."12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months." A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks." Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started cussing. "
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs to breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Awe, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eye out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with ever step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he babbles, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs to breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Awe, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eye out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with ever step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he babbles, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
Saturday, January 14, 2006
What My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
You've chosen a cheap airline when...
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Blondes flying
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
Friday, January 13, 2006
Two priests in the urinals
Joke submitted by jayjay, from CA
Two priests were taking a piss in the urinals one day. One priest looks down and sees a nicotine patch on the other priest's penis. He says: "I'm not a rocket scientist or anything, but isn't that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes: "Nah, it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
Two priests were taking a piss in the urinals one day. One priest looks down and sees a nicotine patch on the other priest's penis. He says: "I'm not a rocket scientist or anything, but isn't that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes: "Nah, it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
Farmer's divorce
Joke submitted by johntest, KS:
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Lawyers's blonde moments
Jokes submitted by jackinthebox, AL:
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
Monday, January 09, 2006
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette
Joke submitted by brandi da blonde, 27, from KS:
(You may have to think about this one. Read the punchline v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.)
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.The brunette takes $600 and goes to another ranch where a man has a bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. "The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
A fter paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.""She'll read it very slowly."
(You may have to think about this one. Read the punchline v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.)
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.The brunette takes $600 and goes to another ranch where a man has a bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. "The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
A fter paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.""She'll read it very slowly."
A blonde with two red ears
Joke submitted by corny, from california:
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her "What happened?" She answered: "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor said. "What happened to your other ear?" The blonde answered: "That son of a bitch called back."
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her "What happened?" She answered: "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor said. "What happened to your other ear?" The blonde answered: "That son of a bitch called back."
Saturday, January 07, 2006
A state trooper pulled this farmer over
Joke submitted by john smith, from anywhere:
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Well-dressed Gentleman
Joke submitted by george m, from halifax:
A very well-dressed gentleman aged ninety two was strolling one evening and came upon a new building that he had never seen before, so he decides to explore. Upon entering, he discovers a dance floor surrounded by tables and couples drinking. He also spots a very attractive woman aged about eighty four sitting alone so he makes his way across and sits with her. He orders a drink, takes a sip, and turns to the womans and casually says: "Do I come here often?"
A very well-dressed gentleman aged ninety two was strolling one evening and came upon a new building that he had never seen before, so he decides to explore. Upon entering, he discovers a dance floor surrounded by tables and couples drinking. He also spots a very attractive woman aged about eighty four sitting alone so he makes his way across and sits with her. He orders a drink, takes a sip, and turns to the womans and casually says: "Do I come here often?"
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Request for jokes and pictures
We are low on jokes and pictures. If you have come across something that has made you laugh, submit it to us so we can post and share the laughs with everyone else.
Thanks
Thanks
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Timbucktoo
Joke submitted by allan benjamin, from miami florida:
There are two final contestants in a poetry competition, one a Yale scholar the other a redneck from Texas. The challenge is to make a poem using the word "Timbucktoo". Yale scholar:
Through the fiery desert sand,
treks a lonely caravan,
men on camels two by two,
destination Timbucktoo.
Big applause from the audience. People are confident the redneck can't do better. The redneck steps up to the microphone:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
found three whores in a pop up tent,
they were three and we were two,
so I bucked one and Tim Bucked two.
There are two final contestants in a poetry competition, one a Yale scholar the other a redneck from Texas. The challenge is to make a poem using the word "Timbucktoo". Yale scholar:
Through the fiery desert sand,
treks a lonely caravan,
men on camels two by two,
destination Timbucktoo.
Big applause from the audience. People are confident the redneck can't do better. The redneck steps up to the microphone:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
found three whores in a pop up tent,
they were three and we were two,
so I bucked one and Tim Bucked two.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.
However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.
However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.
Monday, January 02, 2006
The Wishing Slide
Joke submitted by Sarah, 18, from Essex:
There's an English man, a Scottish man, and an Iirish man. They are in the park and there is a wishing slide. You say what you want most in the world, then you fall into what you asked for! So the English man went 1st and yelled, "money!!!" so he fell into a pile of money. Then the Scottish man went and yelled "naked ladies!!!", so he fell into a pile of naked ladies. Then the Irish man went down and he was having so much fun he yelled "weeeeeeeeeee".
There's an English man, a Scottish man, and an Iirish man. They are in the park and there is a wishing slide. You say what you want most in the world, then you fall into what you asked for! So the English man went 1st and yelled, "money!!!" so he fell into a pile of money. Then the Scottish man went and yelled "naked ladies!!!", so he fell into a pile of naked ladies. Then the Irish man went down and he was having so much fun he yelled "weeeeeeeeeee".
Old Men Are Not Dumb After All
Joke submitted by scott:
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Quick Thinking
Maxine was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
