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Saturday, December 31, 2005
Not in touch with my emotional needs
Joke submitted by Jodie, 23, from Arizona:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
Friday, December 30, 2005
Alice and Jack
Joke submitted by Andrew, from CT:
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Alice or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Alice came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Alice, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Alice replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Alice or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Alice came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Alice, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Alice replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
Story of Mildred
Joke submitted by grossguy, from nj:
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent passing of her husband Earl. She decided that she would end it all and join him in heaven. Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the firstplace. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden on someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast".
Next day Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent passing of her husband Earl. She decided that she would end it all and join him in heaven. Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the firstplace. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden on someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast".
Next day Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
What guys really mean...
Joke submitted by Tara, 19, from Illinois
I'M GOING FISHIN."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
" WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
I'M GOING FISHIN."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
" WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Poker Face
Joke submitted by Terry, from Whoville:
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2:00p.m.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?
Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500,"
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2:00p.m.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?
Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500,"
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
The Vanilla Pudding Bank
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery..........
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Joke: Speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Monday, December 26, 2005
Positive Compliments
A man and his wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the Mid-Town Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the Mid-Town Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
When dad's babysit: beer
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Will I Live to be 100?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?" I asked.
"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 100?
"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 100?
Weeweechu
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
[NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!]
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
[NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!]
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Christmas Cop
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top."
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass on the back of the horse, instead of on top."
Friday, December 23, 2005
Santa's Not Happy...
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Oh Biscuits!
Cally, 9, writes:
There were two biscuits standing in the middle of the road. One said, "Oh my God, I'm gonna die." The other said, "Oh crumbs".
There were two biscuits standing in the middle of the road. One said, "Oh my God, I'm gonna die." The other said, "Oh crumbs".
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, ................ "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, ................ "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
How to Shower
How To Shower Like a Woman
-Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
-Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
-Condition your hair withgrapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
-Rinse conditioner off hair.
-Shave armpits and legs.
-Turn off shower.
-Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
-Spray mold spots with Tilex.
-Get out of shower.
-Dry with towel the size of a small country.
-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
-Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
-Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
-Get in the shower.
-Wash your face.
-Wash your armpits.
-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
-Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
-Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
-Wash your hair.
-Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
-Pee.
-Rinse off and get out of shower.
-Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
-Admire wiener size in mirror again.
-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
-Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
-Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, perhaps there is something so very wrong with you.
-Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
-Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
-Condition your hair withgrapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
-Rinse conditioner off hair.
-Shave armpits and legs.
-Turn off shower.
-Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
-Spray mold spots with Tilex.
-Get out of shower.
-Dry with towel the size of a small country.
-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
-Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
-Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
-Get in the shower.
-Wash your face.
-Wash your armpits.
-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
-Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
-Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
-Wash your hair.
-Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
-Pee.
-Rinse off and get out of shower.
-Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
-Admire wiener size in mirror again.
-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
-Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
-Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, perhaps there is something so very wrong with you.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Do you have the bird flu?
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
Andy Rooney's Thoughts on Women over 30
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 mostof all. Here are just a few reasons why:
-A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle ofthe night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
-If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, shedoesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually somethingmore interesting.
-A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to beassured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
-Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her! Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
-A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
-Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
-Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tellyou right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude ofreasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 mostof all. Here are just a few reasons why:
-A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle ofthe night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
-If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, shedoesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually somethingmore interesting.
-A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to beassured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
-Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her! Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
-A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
-Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
-Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tellyou right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude ofreasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
When dads babysit: crayons
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Nude Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him withsome curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope, just when it's raining."
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him withsome curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope, just when it's raining."
Oh Shit!
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
...It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Shit!" said the Hypnotist...
...It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
Monday, December 19, 2005
The Detective Test
Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first detective a picture for five seconds. "That is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The Chief says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, the Chief flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be easy to catch, he only has one ear!"
The Chief angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The guy looks at the picture intently, and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The Chief is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that’s an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this guy’s file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow, I can't believe it... it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the guy replied. "How can he wear regular glasses if he only has one eye and one ear?"
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first detective a picture for five seconds. "That is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The Chief says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, the Chief flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be easy to catch, he only has one ear!"
The Chief angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The guy looks at the picture intently, and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The Chief is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that’s an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this guy’s file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow, I can't believe it... it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the guy replied. "How can he wear regular glasses if he only has one eye and one ear?"
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Santa's a man
Joke from Baby, 17, from Wisconsin:
How do we know Santa's a man?
Cause he shows up late, eats your food, empties his sack, comes only once, and leaves before you wake up!
How do we know Santa's a man?
Cause he shows up late, eats your food, empties his sack, comes only once, and leaves before you wake up!
I've been shot!
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over t o the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over t o the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Out of touch
Jodie, 23, from Arizona writes:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
Friday, December 16, 2005
For some the romance never dies...
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Not Exactly the "Quickest Draw" in the West...
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, the Sheriff asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... And... here I am!"
Blonde Men do exist!!!!
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... And... here I am!"
Blonde Men do exist!!!!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Zero to 200
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 8th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think Before You Say Things to Your Wife Foundation'.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 8th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think Before You Say Things to Your Wife Foundation'.
Guess the gender
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Viagra's generic name
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
Did he or didn't he?
