Sunday, February 28, 2010
I go to the library about 2 times a week
By: Steven
Age: 25
Location: Los Angeles
Question: I go to the library about 2 times a week. Usually because i have such big breaks at work that the library is a quite place i can spend 2-3 hours to get some sketches in. I've been doing this for about a month consistently. The other day a girl walks up to my desk gives me a big smile and sits down to study. I smile back and continue to finish some stuff on laptop. I finish early and decide to do a sketch of her because she looked so focused on her studies. Occasionally we'd make eye contact and there were light smiles exchanged. I ended up spending about 20 mins sketching her. As I leave I give her the sketch and told her I hoped she didn't mind that I drew her. She gave me a big smile and said thank you. She genuinely looked like she like it. I left her a note and left my email letting her know she could check out more of my art on facebook. I was in a rush to get back to work, and i think i blew it by not asking her for her email.
What do you think? Did i play it cool? or should i have asked her for her email? I'm cool if she doesn't contact me but its just something i want to know for next time. I added that maybe i'd see her around and she smiled.
VictorM's advice:
At first I thought you were going to say that the local sexy librarian took you to the back and had her with with you. Librarians can be like that, you know? :)
Well, Steven, I'm going to ask the female visitors to give you advice.
(Come on ladies... help Steve by posting your opinion on the Visitor Comments section below... should he have asked for her email address?)
Age: 25
Location: Los Angeles
Question: I go to the library about 2 times a week. Usually because i have such big breaks at work that the library is a quite place i can spend 2-3 hours to get some sketches in. I've been doing this for about a month consistently. The other day a girl walks up to my desk gives me a big smile and sits down to study. I smile back and continue to finish some stuff on laptop. I finish early and decide to do a sketch of her because she looked so focused on her studies. Occasionally we'd make eye contact and there were light smiles exchanged. I ended up spending about 20 mins sketching her. As I leave I give her the sketch and told her I hoped she didn't mind that I drew her. She gave me a big smile and said thank you. She genuinely looked like she like it. I left her a note and left my email letting her know she could check out more of my art on facebook. I was in a rush to get back to work, and i think i blew it by not asking her for her email.
What do you think? Did i play it cool? or should i have asked her for her email? I'm cool if she doesn't contact me but its just something i want to know for next time. I added that maybe i'd see her around and she smiled.
VictorM's advice:
At first I thought you were going to say that the local sexy librarian took you to the back and had her with with you. Librarians can be like that, you know? :)
Well, Steven, I'm going to ask the female visitors to give you advice.
(Come on ladies... help Steve by posting your opinion on the Visitor Comments section below... should he have asked for her email address?)
I asked him to be my study partner
By: Henryetta
Age: 19
Location: Oklahoma
Question: I am a 2nd year college student at OU. I am taking a Spanish 2 class with this guy that I was immediately interested in on the first day of class. I decided to take the initiative and try and get to know him when we were grouped together during the first week of classes. During that first week of class I found out that he has a 2 year old son with his apparently on-again/off-again girlfriend (I found out about the off/on relationship during a session of facebook stalking-I requested him as a friend and he added me). I didn’t let the fact that he had a girlfriend deter me because at the very least I could gain a new friend. We began to talk a lot on facebook- at one time we talked for about 2 hours- talking about anything and everything. During one of our talks he mentioned that I did not talk much in class and in response to that I decided to talk to him more in class. I talked to my friends about my emerging feelings and told them that I was planning on asking him to be my study partner and they encouraged me to do so coming to the same conclusion that at the very least I would gain a new friend.
The guy that I like travels back and forward on the weekend to spend time with his son. And as I was looking through his facebook profile I saw a post from his girlfriend thanking him for bringing her a shake when she was feeling sick. He said that he was glad to make her feel better and she returned the comment with what I thought was a suggestive tone (from facebook), “If you want me to feel better…” I was a bit upset over the comment but I decided to let it go since I have no claim to him.
I asked him to be my study partner and he said yes. I gave him my phone number and he gave me his. We had a quiz coming up in class and he asked if I wanted to get together and I agreed. We studied together, just the two of us, for about 3 hours during which time we laughed and talked the entire time. The only awkward pauses were the first two minutes at the beginning of our study session, but that was over really quickly.
During our study session I asked him who his son stayed with will he was at school (though I already knew) and he replied that his ex girlfriend did and then I proceeded to ask if they were together which he answered, “not right now.” I did not know what that meant. He went on to mention that she was a bit crazy and when I said that that didn’t sound good he said that she was not that bad and that they were not as bad as his sister and her ex boyfriend. We finished the rest of the study session without any mention of her.
The next day in class I was talking with a few guys that sit around me about a television show, he was listening also. He mentioned that his ex and her mom loved that show and at the end of class he said see you later.
After all of this background, my questions are: Do you think that he might be interested in me? Could there be anything between his ex and him? Should I continue taking the initiative and get to know him (but I don’t want to get stuck in the friend zone), or should I let him pursue me for a bit. And also how should I go about asking him to hang out with me outside any school attachment-or whether if I even should.
Thank You!
VictorM's advice:
From what you wrote, there's nothing to suggest he has an interest in you besides being classmates and study partners.
When he answered "not right now" about his girlfriend, it seems clear it's a temporary break, at least in his mind.
You have nothing to lose by continuing to talk to him. Often, a girl just grows on a guy before he even realizes it. But -- warning! -- the ex will never be out of the picture. As the mother of his son, she will be a constant thorn on his side. So, as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.
You shouldn't ask him out on a date, but you can suggest things like needing someone to go to the movies "because I hate going alone." This gives him an opportunity to say yes if he's interested, but balk if he's not without you feeling rejected.
Age: 19
Location: Oklahoma
Question: I am a 2nd year college student at OU. I am taking a Spanish 2 class with this guy that I was immediately interested in on the first day of class. I decided to take the initiative and try and get to know him when we were grouped together during the first week of classes. During that first week of class I found out that he has a 2 year old son with his apparently on-again/off-again girlfriend (I found out about the off/on relationship during a session of facebook stalking-I requested him as a friend and he added me). I didn’t let the fact that he had a girlfriend deter me because at the very least I could gain a new friend. We began to talk a lot on facebook- at one time we talked for about 2 hours- talking about anything and everything. During one of our talks he mentioned that I did not talk much in class and in response to that I decided to talk to him more in class. I talked to my friends about my emerging feelings and told them that I was planning on asking him to be my study partner and they encouraged me to do so coming to the same conclusion that at the very least I would gain a new friend.
The guy that I like travels back and forward on the weekend to spend time with his son. And as I was looking through his facebook profile I saw a post from his girlfriend thanking him for bringing her a shake when she was feeling sick. He said that he was glad to make her feel better and she returned the comment with what I thought was a suggestive tone (from facebook), “If you want me to feel better…” I was a bit upset over the comment but I decided to let it go since I have no claim to him.
I asked him to be my study partner and he said yes. I gave him my phone number and he gave me his. We had a quiz coming up in class and he asked if I wanted to get together and I agreed. We studied together, just the two of us, for about 3 hours during which time we laughed and talked the entire time. The only awkward pauses were the first two minutes at the beginning of our study session, but that was over really quickly.
During our study session I asked him who his son stayed with will he was at school (though I already knew) and he replied that his ex girlfriend did and then I proceeded to ask if they were together which he answered, “not right now.” I did not know what that meant. He went on to mention that she was a bit crazy and when I said that that didn’t sound good he said that she was not that bad and that they were not as bad as his sister and her ex boyfriend. We finished the rest of the study session without any mention of her.
The next day in class I was talking with a few guys that sit around me about a television show, he was listening also. He mentioned that his ex and her mom loved that show and at the end of class he said see you later.
After all of this background, my questions are: Do you think that he might be interested in me? Could there be anything between his ex and him? Should I continue taking the initiative and get to know him (but I don’t want to get stuck in the friend zone), or should I let him pursue me for a bit. And also how should I go about asking him to hang out with me outside any school attachment-or whether if I even should.
Thank You!
VictorM's advice:
From what you wrote, there's nothing to suggest he has an interest in you besides being classmates and study partners.
When he answered "not right now" about his girlfriend, it seems clear it's a temporary break, at least in his mind.
You have nothing to lose by continuing to talk to him. Often, a girl just grows on a guy before he even realizes it. But -- warning! -- the ex will never be out of the picture. As the mother of his son, she will be a constant thorn on his side. So, as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.
You shouldn't ask him out on a date, but you can suggest things like needing someone to go to the movies "because I hate going alone." This gives him an opportunity to say yes if he's interested, but balk if he's not without you feeling rejected.
he SHOWERED me with attention
By: Sarah
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We are now in a long distance relationship, he is in California. The first year of our relationship we were both in New York. We fought a lot, but things eventually worked out as we both got more familiar with each other's differences. In the beginning of our long distance relationship, he SHOWERED me with attention, and even asked me to marry him! However, he no longer brings that up anymore, but still tells me he loves me everyday. We used to videochat 3 times a week but now it's once every 2 weeks. And he doesn't text me NONSTOP anymore. Am I overreacting? Or does it mean he lost interest in me? Or simply feel like the chase is over? What can I do to get his attention more? I like to play hard to get sometimes, but I don't know when I am overdoing it. To what extent do guys like it when girls play hard-to-get?
THANK YOU!
VictorM's advice:
Videochat and text get old after a while. The decline in interest is normal, even if he still feels as strongly about you as ever. But distance is a killer. It can wear thin on a guy quickly. So it's hard to say if the decline is just normal "wear and tear" or if he's losing interest in you. You'll have to pay attention to other signs, but so far those seem to be positive still.
I'm reluctant to comment about your "hard to get" because it means different things to different people. I'd have to see specific examples. But generally, for it to be effective, the girl makes the guy chase her but she also gives him encouragement.
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We are now in a long distance relationship, he is in California. The first year of our relationship we were both in New York. We fought a lot, but things eventually worked out as we both got more familiar with each other's differences. In the beginning of our long distance relationship, he SHOWERED me with attention, and even asked me to marry him! However, he no longer brings that up anymore, but still tells me he loves me everyday. We used to videochat 3 times a week but now it's once every 2 weeks. And he doesn't text me NONSTOP anymore. Am I overreacting? Or does it mean he lost interest in me? Or simply feel like the chase is over? What can I do to get his attention more? I like to play hard to get sometimes, but I don't know when I am overdoing it. To what extent do guys like it when girls play hard-to-get?
THANK YOU!
VictorM's advice:
Videochat and text get old after a while. The decline in interest is normal, even if he still feels as strongly about you as ever. But distance is a killer. It can wear thin on a guy quickly. So it's hard to say if the decline is just normal "wear and tear" or if he's losing interest in you. You'll have to pay attention to other signs, but so far those seem to be positive still.
I'm reluctant to comment about your "hard to get" because it means different things to different people. I'd have to see specific examples. But generally, for it to be effective, the girl makes the guy chase her but she also gives him encouragement.
I simply will not have sex with any guy who is not over 8 inches
By: Kim
Age: 35
Location: Canada
Question: Hi Victor,
I'm a first timer, but have spent hours reading your advice. Most of it is very good!!
So this is my situation. My personality and looks are highly sexual, my mind is that of a typical monogamous girl....one guy forever...but I really do enjoy sex. A LOT! I have only had 5 partners my entire life, been married twice for 6 and 7 years respectively, but both guys were caught cheating so I left. I have been a lucky lady with my 5 lovers, in that all of them were 7-9 inches and wonderful in (and out) of bed. I have been single now for 2 years and have dated tons of guys, but very rarely do I find one that I am sexually attracted to. When this happens, I can't help myself but to make out with them long enough to check out their size. Sadly, I have ruled out a very high percentage of the male population with having my needs for a large member be satisfied. I simply will not have sex with any guy who is not over 8 inches because I know what I need to make me happy and satisfied. I met a guy in December who not only was a great person, but also had the perfect size for me, and since I had not had sex for an entire year (my record), I broke down and had sex with him on the second night. Since then, he has of course called me for random booty calls, and we have gone on a few normal dates which also lead to the greatest sex ever, and I have called him for booty calls as well because like a camel, I need to replenish my hump. ;) Anyway, I have not seen him for sex for the past 4 weeks and when he does call or text, I always tell him that the sex is great, but I need more from him to be happy. The other day he asked what I need, and I told him that I need to believe that he is actually interested in ME, not just my body, and that I wasn't sure it would work between us if he didn't make the effort to get to know me and build something more. He responded with a message that said if I ever needed my sexual needs taken care of again, to give him a call....to which I responded that he was giving up on the most sexual/sensual lady in the city and that he will never find any girl better than me. That was 5 days ago. Yesterday, I was in his area in the middle of the day and I knew he was off work....so I texted him to invite him to an afternoon movie. He declined the movie and said he had a doctor appointment, but maybe we could meet for dinner. I told him that I had a work meeting at 6, so dinner was out. He suggested that I come by his place about 4:30 to talk about things. So I went over and we talked about how good we are together sexually but it isn't enough for me and that I will not give him sex again until he figures out where I fit into his life. He is currently going through a very stressful period with work and is trying to get a promotion next month, so he told me he could not think of anything heavy until after he gets the promotion, but he would appreciate me keeping the door open for him to get back in touch when his work stuff is settled.
My questions are:
1. Is is too late for him to see me as a long term potential?
2. Is there any way for me to get what I need without being seen as the slut?
3. Do you think a man who chooses to be with a highly sexual lady will always be looking for something better? LOL, both my ex's begged me for months to get back with them, even with their indiscretions. I deserve better!
Kim.
VictorM's advice:
Most of my advice is very good... is that like what... 6 inches worth? :-p
Answering your questions:
1. No, it's never too late until you die, but I'd say your odds are very slim. His claim that he has to delay a decision because of his impending promotion is, of course, bullshit. You simply have not risen to the level of romantic interest. For whatever reason, you've come up... *gulp* short.
2. You like sex. Most guys will like that about you. But if you can't wait until the guy discovers that there is more to you than sex appeal, you're liable to have the same problems over and over. But that doesn't mean he thinks you're a slut.
3. A guy who is with a woman driven primarily by sex, will always be looking for more quantity. It has nothing to do with quality. I chuckled when I read about your "he was giving up on the most sexual/sensual lady in the city" comment because that shows you know next to nothing about males. To guys, the willing woman in front of them when they are willing is the "mostest." If I'm wrong, how do you explain that your two husbands cheated on you? Further, your exes begged you back because they're weasels and there's never enough pussy for them, so why discard yours?
Based on your criteria, you don't deserve better because you're not looking for better; you deserve bigger because that's your criteria. But keep in mind, sometimes with bigger dicks, come bigger dicks. :-p
Age: 35
Location: Canada
Question: Hi Victor,
I'm a first timer, but have spent hours reading your advice. Most of it is very good!!
So this is my situation. My personality and looks are highly sexual, my mind is that of a typical monogamous girl....one guy forever...but I really do enjoy sex. A LOT! I have only had 5 partners my entire life, been married twice for 6 and 7 years respectively, but both guys were caught cheating so I left. I have been a lucky lady with my 5 lovers, in that all of them were 7-9 inches and wonderful in (and out) of bed. I have been single now for 2 years and have dated tons of guys, but very rarely do I find one that I am sexually attracted to. When this happens, I can't help myself but to make out with them long enough to check out their size. Sadly, I have ruled out a very high percentage of the male population with having my needs for a large member be satisfied. I simply will not have sex with any guy who is not over 8 inches because I know what I need to make me happy and satisfied. I met a guy in December who not only was a great person, but also had the perfect size for me, and since I had not had sex for an entire year (my record), I broke down and had sex with him on the second night. Since then, he has of course called me for random booty calls, and we have gone on a few normal dates which also lead to the greatest sex ever, and I have called him for booty calls as well because like a camel, I need to replenish my hump. ;) Anyway, I have not seen him for sex for the past 4 weeks and when he does call or text, I always tell him that the sex is great, but I need more from him to be happy. The other day he asked what I need, and I told him that I need to believe that he is actually interested in ME, not just my body, and that I wasn't sure it would work between us if he didn't make the effort to get to know me and build something more. He responded with a message that said if I ever needed my sexual needs taken care of again, to give him a call....to which I responded that he was giving up on the most sexual/sensual lady in the city and that he will never find any girl better than me. That was 5 days ago. Yesterday, I was in his area in the middle of the day and I knew he was off work....so I texted him to invite him to an afternoon movie. He declined the movie and said he had a doctor appointment, but maybe we could meet for dinner. I told him that I had a work meeting at 6, so dinner was out. He suggested that I come by his place about 4:30 to talk about things. So I went over and we talked about how good we are together sexually but it isn't enough for me and that I will not give him sex again until he figures out where I fit into his life. He is currently going through a very stressful period with work and is trying to get a promotion next month, so he told me he could not think of anything heavy until after he gets the promotion, but he would appreciate me keeping the door open for him to get back in touch when his work stuff is settled.
My questions are:
1. Is is too late for him to see me as a long term potential?
2. Is there any way for me to get what I need without being seen as the slut?
3. Do you think a man who chooses to be with a highly sexual lady will always be looking for something better? LOL, both my ex's begged me for months to get back with them, even with their indiscretions. I deserve better!
Kim.
VictorM's advice:
Most of my advice is very good... is that like what... 6 inches worth? :-p
Answering your questions:
1. No, it's never too late until you die, but I'd say your odds are very slim. His claim that he has to delay a decision because of his impending promotion is, of course, bullshit. You simply have not risen to the level of romantic interest. For whatever reason, you've come up... *gulp* short.
2. You like sex. Most guys will like that about you. But if you can't wait until the guy discovers that there is more to you than sex appeal, you're liable to have the same problems over and over. But that doesn't mean he thinks you're a slut.
3. A guy who is with a woman driven primarily by sex, will always be looking for more quantity. It has nothing to do with quality. I chuckled when I read about your "he was giving up on the most sexual/sensual lady in the city" comment because that shows you know next to nothing about males. To guys, the willing woman in front of them when they are willing is the "mostest." If I'm wrong, how do you explain that your two husbands cheated on you? Further, your exes begged you back because they're weasels and there's never enough pussy for them, so why discard yours?
Based on your criteria, you don't deserve better because you're not looking for better; you deserve bigger because that's your criteria. But keep in mind, sometimes with bigger dicks, come bigger dicks. :-p
perfect for each other
By: Shy
Age: 15
Location: Alabama
Question: I go to school with this guy that I've never talked to before. My friends say that we would be perfect for each other, but I can't gather up enough courage to even talk to him. We're into a lot of the same things and we see each other all the time. How do I approach a guy I have never talked to before without seeming creepy or stalker-ish?
VictorM's advice:
First, don't listen to your friends; they know jack shit about perfection. Second, don't approach him. Instead, smile at him and greet him using his name. If you don't have the courage to do those 2 little things, no one can help you. You have to push yourself a little.
Age: 15
Location: Alabama
Question: I go to school with this guy that I've never talked to before. My friends say that we would be perfect for each other, but I can't gather up enough courage to even talk to him. We're into a lot of the same things and we see each other all the time. How do I approach a guy I have never talked to before without seeming creepy or stalker-ish?
VictorM's advice:
First, don't listen to your friends; they know jack shit about perfection. Second, don't approach him. Instead, smile at him and greet him using his name. If you don't have the courage to do those 2 little things, no one can help you. You have to push yourself a little.
do you think he might go back on what he said?
By: Kitty
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Hey Victor!
This one is for my friend. She met this guy who is really nice and hot. She texts him, facebook messages him, and hangs out with him. I think he likes her and she likes him. Before she liked him, he told me that he doesn't like dating girls from other schools... I think he really likes her, so do you think he might go back on what he said?
VictorM's advice:
Those rules are stupid and never hold up when a guy meets a girl he likes. If he likes her, he'll drop that rule in a heartbeat.
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Hey Victor!
This one is for my friend. She met this guy who is really nice and hot. She texts him, facebook messages him, and hangs out with him. I think he likes her and she likes him. Before she liked him, he told me that he doesn't like dating girls from other schools... I think he really likes her, so do you think he might go back on what he said?
VictorM's advice:
Those rules are stupid and never hold up when a guy meets a girl he likes. If he likes her, he'll drop that rule in a heartbeat.
more than a friendship or just friendship?
By: Kate
Age: 18
Question: I was reading your blog and in one question a girl wrote the following:
"But everything remains just at that questionable line where it could appear one is reading too much into it or not reading far enough into it."
How can we know when something is more than a friendship or just friendship?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Easy: if it's not clear that you are in a relationship, at best you're just friends. And you should behave accordingly. Any time you start behaving like a girlfriend, before it's clear he's your boyfriend, you're going to get screwed.
Age: 18
Question: I was reading your blog and in one question a girl wrote the following:
"But everything remains just at that questionable line where it could appear one is reading too much into it or not reading far enough into it."
How can we know when something is more than a friendship or just friendship?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Easy: if it's not clear that you are in a relationship, at best you're just friends. And you should behave accordingly. Any time you start behaving like a girlfriend, before it's clear he's your boyfriend, you're going to get screwed.
he was very cold
By: Ann
Age: 30
Location: CA
Question: I've been dating a guy a few months and he really really likes me. Then I told him in a roundabout way that I wanted to be friends. I tried to reconcile a few days later, but he was very cold. Can he go from that hot to that cold over something like that? It was a few days, not weeks or months. Is there anything I can do, or is that it for a guy when a girl acts like that?
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no interest in friendship-only with females. If that's all you want, he has better things to do with his life.
Of course he's acting like a spoiled brat, but if anything, you should be pleased by your decision. Why stay friends with such an immature twit anyway?
Age: 30
Location: CA
Question: I've been dating a guy a few months and he really really likes me. Then I told him in a roundabout way that I wanted to be friends. I tried to reconcile a few days later, but he was very cold. Can he go from that hot to that cold over something like that? It was a few days, not weeks or months. Is there anything I can do, or is that it for a guy when a girl acts like that?
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no interest in friendship-only with females. If that's all you want, he has better things to do with his life.
Of course he's acting like a spoiled brat, but if anything, you should be pleased by your decision. Why stay friends with such an immature twit anyway?
he's a pathological LIAR!
By: Mary
Question: Alright so i recently broke up with my boyfriend of over a year. Everyone told me that i shouldn't have gone out with him. They all told me from the beginning how he acted. He's a player! I'm the kind of person who thinks people change and that i can change people, but newsflash you cant change anyone ever and i found that out! Well anyways he called me all these nasty names and i'm very independent and i just won't talk to him when i don't want to..so i haven't talked to him since we broke up about a month ago. did i forget to mention he's a pathological LIAR!!!?? he was telling everyone how much of a bitch i am and telling them that i try to get in contact with him 24/7 and i'm obsessed over him. Which is a complete LIE! He's the one who has friend requested me on facebook over 5 times and sent me messages saying he's done being immature and trying to feed me bullshit which doesn't fly with me. I NEVER ONCE REPLIED! so today i hear from my best friend that she was talking to his cousin in class and he said that he's adding and sending me messages as a joke? he's so immature and needs to grow up. I just don't know why he's acting like this. Is it because maybe he still cares about me? Does he not want me to be with other guys? Is he mad that i'm not giving him a reaction or what?? How can i get him to stop talking about me and just leave me alone?
VictorM's advice:
You answered your own questions: he's immature and needs to grow up. You can't expect mature behavior from someone like that. Besides, his behavior is reflective of a controlling, insecure personality, not of someone with a burning desire for you.
Don't let him know that you're bothered by his lies. Any kind of attention he gets from you, positive or negative, will only fuel more of the same. Just continue to ignore him. He'll eventually get tired of it.
Question: Alright so i recently broke up with my boyfriend of over a year. Everyone told me that i shouldn't have gone out with him. They all told me from the beginning how he acted. He's a player! I'm the kind of person who thinks people change and that i can change people, but newsflash you cant change anyone ever and i found that out! Well anyways he called me all these nasty names and i'm very independent and i just won't talk to him when i don't want to..so i haven't talked to him since we broke up about a month ago. did i forget to mention he's a pathological LIAR!!!?? he was telling everyone how much of a bitch i am and telling them that i try to get in contact with him 24/7 and i'm obsessed over him. Which is a complete LIE! He's the one who has friend requested me on facebook over 5 times and sent me messages saying he's done being immature and trying to feed me bullshit which doesn't fly with me. I NEVER ONCE REPLIED! so today i hear from my best friend that she was talking to his cousin in class and he said that he's adding and sending me messages as a joke? he's so immature and needs to grow up. I just don't know why he's acting like this. Is it because maybe he still cares about me? Does he not want me to be with other guys? Is he mad that i'm not giving him a reaction or what?? How can i get him to stop talking about me and just leave me alone?
VictorM's advice:
You answered your own questions: he's immature and needs to grow up. You can't expect mature behavior from someone like that. Besides, his behavior is reflective of a controlling, insecure personality, not of someone with a burning desire for you.
Don't let him know that you're bothered by his lies. Any kind of attention he gets from you, positive or negative, will only fuel more of the same. Just continue to ignore him. He'll eventually get tired of it.
He's gorgeous, nice, artistic
By: Megan
Age: 22
Location: NYC
Question: I have this tendency to "eye sex" guys on the subway and usually the responses I get are very funny (me? really? oh, okay.) but one time there was this guy on the train in August and he "gave it right back to me." Which has NEVER happened before. It was a hot minute and then I forgot about him since neither of us actually said anything.
In December, my friend got cheap tickets to the opera and she was super late... I'm waiting for her in the lobby and then "Mr. EyeSex" walks through the door. Our eyes meet for a minute we both still do not speak to each other. Then he goes down a flight of stairs and I stay where I'm at because I'm waiting for my friend with the tickets. So I tell my friend of this occurrence and she's like "omg! what if that was the love of your life and you'll never see him again?" Well, if that's true then I'll definitely see him again. "How do you know?" because these things happen in three's. duh
Fast forward two months to the day before Valentine's. Another friend was having a bday so we go to a bar in the Lower East Side. I go to order a drink and to my surprise, the bartender is no one other than, "MR. EYESEX"!!!
So, almost on instinct I say "Oh my god. you're not going to believe this but this is the third time i've seen you in 4 months and I never have had the nerve to talk to you. What is your name?" and then without thinking just hand him my card.
He tells me his name and then asks where I've seen him... I tell him the whole story and it turns out HE WAS IN THE OPERA I SAW... as a background actor we shared a moment talking about how beautiful of a production it was and then he went back to work.
At the end of the night I told him it was nice finally knowing his name and he gave a hand shake saying "thanks for introducing!"
He's gorgeous, nice, artistic, aaaaanndddd... he NEVER called me back. Why? What happened? Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I should do? Is all hope lost? I'm really thinking that seeing someone in 3 separate different places in a 6 month period in a city of 8 million is more than a coincidence... but HELP! I NEED ADVICE! THANKS IN ADVANCE!
VictorM's advice:
"So I tell my friend of this occurrence and she's like "omg! what if that was the love of your life and you'll never see him again?" You know, you women are really nuts, you know that?! :) I live in the city and I've run into the same bum many times. Trust me, it's not fate; it's the small circles you live in, no matter how big the city is.
Look, the guy is gorgeous and works in a bar. Do you have any idea how many attractive women give him their card? I mean, why on Earth would you give you a call? Ah yes... it's written in the stars, it's meant to be, blah, blah blah. That's just nonsense.
Get a grip! The guy is an out of work actor who needs to bar tend to make a living. But if you're bent in believing fairy tales, heck, you know where he works, don't you? Go visit him and this time, take a magic apple for him to bite into, or some moon dust to sprinkle over his head.
Age: 22
Location: NYC
Question: I have this tendency to "eye sex" guys on the subway and usually the responses I get are very funny (me? really? oh, okay.) but one time there was this guy on the train in August and he "gave it right back to me." Which has NEVER happened before. It was a hot minute and then I forgot about him since neither of us actually said anything.
In December, my friend got cheap tickets to the opera and she was super late... I'm waiting for her in the lobby and then "Mr. EyeSex" walks through the door. Our eyes meet for a minute we both still do not speak to each other. Then he goes down a flight of stairs and I stay where I'm at because I'm waiting for my friend with the tickets. So I tell my friend of this occurrence and she's like "omg! what if that was the love of your life and you'll never see him again?" Well, if that's true then I'll definitely see him again. "How do you know?" because these things happen in three's. duh
Fast forward two months to the day before Valentine's. Another friend was having a bday so we go to a bar in the Lower East Side. I go to order a drink and to my surprise, the bartender is no one other than, "MR. EYESEX"!!!
So, almost on instinct I say "Oh my god. you're not going to believe this but this is the third time i've seen you in 4 months and I never have had the nerve to talk to you. What is your name?" and then without thinking just hand him my card.
He tells me his name and then asks where I've seen him... I tell him the whole story and it turns out HE WAS IN THE OPERA I SAW... as a background actor we shared a moment talking about how beautiful of a production it was and then he went back to work.
At the end of the night I told him it was nice finally knowing his name and he gave a hand shake saying "thanks for introducing!"
He's gorgeous, nice, artistic, aaaaanndddd... he NEVER called me back. Why? What happened? Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I should do? Is all hope lost? I'm really thinking that seeing someone in 3 separate different places in a 6 month period in a city of 8 million is more than a coincidence... but HELP! I NEED ADVICE! THANKS IN ADVANCE!
VictorM's advice:
"So I tell my friend of this occurrence and she's like "omg! what if that was the love of your life and you'll never see him again?" You know, you women are really nuts, you know that?! :) I live in the city and I've run into the same bum many times. Trust me, it's not fate; it's the small circles you live in, no matter how big the city is.
Look, the guy is gorgeous and works in a bar. Do you have any idea how many attractive women give him their card? I mean, why on Earth would you give you a call? Ah yes... it's written in the stars, it's meant to be, blah, blah blah. That's just nonsense.
Get a grip! The guy is an out of work actor who needs to bar tend to make a living. But if you're bent in believing fairy tales, heck, you know where he works, don't you? Go visit him and this time, take a magic apple for him to bite into, or some moon dust to sprinkle over his head.
this hot guy wasn't particularly nice to me
By: Luci
Age: 25
Location: NE
Question: I was hooking up with a player for about six months,very NSA for both of us. Both of us were seeing other people, and so our hook ups were on the DL. I began another NSA because this hot guy wasn't particularly nice to me, or see me as often as I wanted. I told him, figuring he wouldn't care since he sees tons of other woman. Next day and week he is was doggin' me to know the guy's name. I wouldn't tell for many reasons. He told me he doesn't want to risk seeing me now because the other guy is stalking me. It has been more than a month now, and all the texts and hook up requests have stopped. How do I get this guy to hookup again. He was so yummy- no matter what a jerk he was. Plus why do you think he's gone in the first place? I just don't get it.
VictorM's advice:
He's gone because you wounded his ego. Guys are very competitive and territorial.
How do you get him back? Tell him he has a bigger dick than the other guy. And that you need a bigger dick in your life. :-p
Age: 25
Location: NE
Question: I was hooking up with a player for about six months,very NSA for both of us. Both of us were seeing other people, and so our hook ups were on the DL. I began another NSA because this hot guy wasn't particularly nice to me, or see me as often as I wanted. I told him, figuring he wouldn't care since he sees tons of other woman. Next day and week he is was doggin' me to know the guy's name. I wouldn't tell for many reasons. He told me he doesn't want to risk seeing me now because the other guy is stalking me. It has been more than a month now, and all the texts and hook up requests have stopped. How do I get this guy to hookup again. He was so yummy- no matter what a jerk he was. Plus why do you think he's gone in the first place? I just don't get it.
VictorM's advice:
He's gone because you wounded his ego. Guys are very competitive and territorial.
How do you get him back? Tell him he has a bigger dick than the other guy. And that you need a bigger dick in your life. :-p
Am I the "interim girl"?
By: Addy
Age: 29
Location: USA
Question: Hi Victor,
I spend alot of time with a man that I have very strong feelings for. We are not a couple, but we do things as a couple or with other couples. The other night the wine was flowing (we went out with another couple) and I spent the night with him...now I am having "buyers remorse". He still talks to me regularly but it's not the same. He has always been sort of hot and cold. We will spend a really great weekend together or something and then he will pull away for awhile.
I love spending time with him, he is great in so many ways! The thing is, I know that he is now active on dating sites. Idk if he is dating anyone, but the profiles are there nonetheless. So, what do I do? Am I the "interim girl"? Is he just using me to be a stand-in so he has someone to do things with his couple friends until he finds someone he wants to be with?
He has asked me to go on a trip to his hometown with him soon, but I can't keep letting my guard down and getting attached to someone who likes to spend time with me and occasionally have sex. Is that the deal here?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are filler, a buddy with benefits. Fun and easy to be around, and free sex to boot. What's not to like? But there's one thing missing: romantic passion. So, he'll keep looking for a passionate lover and keep you around until he does.
Let me repeat my mantra: when you do girlfriend-type things with a man who is not your boyfriend, you'll just get screwed.
Age: 29
Location: USA
Question: Hi Victor,
I spend alot of time with a man that I have very strong feelings for. We are not a couple, but we do things as a couple or with other couples. The other night the wine was flowing (we went out with another couple) and I spent the night with him...now I am having "buyers remorse". He still talks to me regularly but it's not the same. He has always been sort of hot and cold. We will spend a really great weekend together or something and then he will pull away for awhile.
I love spending time with him, he is great in so many ways! The thing is, I know that he is now active on dating sites. Idk if he is dating anyone, but the profiles are there nonetheless. So, what do I do? Am I the "interim girl"? Is he just using me to be a stand-in so he has someone to do things with his couple friends until he finds someone he wants to be with?
He has asked me to go on a trip to his hometown with him soon, but I can't keep letting my guard down and getting attached to someone who likes to spend time with me and occasionally have sex. Is that the deal here?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are filler, a buddy with benefits. Fun and easy to be around, and free sex to boot. What's not to like? But there's one thing missing: romantic passion. So, he'll keep looking for a passionate lover and keep you around until he does.
Let me repeat my mantra: when you do girlfriend-type things with a man who is not your boyfriend, you'll just get screwed.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
he knows he is hurting me
By: Nora Sundberg
Age: 20
Location: Europe
Question: What should i do in a relationship where my boyfriend wont let go of his ex who he cheated on me?
My boyfriend and have been dating for quite some time but we live in different countries. I found out that he was cheating on a girl he is studying with. I had been suspicious about her before and i confronted him about it. But he said they were just friends.
He "left" her when i found out and we got back together. However, he is STILL good friends with her even when he knows he is hurting me and i have asked him to stop his friendship with her. (She also cheated on him with his best friend).
So what am i supposed to do? Every time i try to talk to him about this he says that the problem is in me because i cannot trust him. He always changes the subject and turns the conversation around so that i'm the bad guy and he is the sweet innocent one...
What should i do! Please help me
VictorM's advice:
Dump him. Start over with a guy close to you.
Why torture yourself to maintain a relationship with an asshole who knows he's hurting you and keeps doing it? Why would you even want such a guy? Sounds nuts to me.
I know, I know... but you love him, right? Don't make me puke. You don't love him; you have a needy dependence that is unhealthy and to top it off, is a huge turn off to most guys.
He's NOT the problem -- he's just a selfish jerk. You're the one with the problem. You need a strong dosage of self-respect.
Age: 20
Location: Europe
Question: What should i do in a relationship where my boyfriend wont let go of his ex who he cheated on me?
My boyfriend and have been dating for quite some time but we live in different countries. I found out that he was cheating on a girl he is studying with. I had been suspicious about her before and i confronted him about it. But he said they were just friends.
He "left" her when i found out and we got back together. However, he is STILL good friends with her even when he knows he is hurting me and i have asked him to stop his friendship with her. (She also cheated on him with his best friend).
So what am i supposed to do? Every time i try to talk to him about this he says that the problem is in me because i cannot trust him. He always changes the subject and turns the conversation around so that i'm the bad guy and he is the sweet innocent one...
What should i do! Please help me
VictorM's advice:
Dump him. Start over with a guy close to you.
Why torture yourself to maintain a relationship with an asshole who knows he's hurting you and keeps doing it? Why would you even want such a guy? Sounds nuts to me.
I know, I know... but you love him, right? Don't make me puke. You don't love him; you have a needy dependence that is unhealthy and to top it off, is a huge turn off to most guys.
He's NOT the problem -- he's just a selfish jerk. You're the one with the problem. You need a strong dosage of self-respect.
Am I being overly paranoid because of my past mistakes?
By: Sofia
Age: 25
Location: Columbus
Question: I met a guy through a friend's friend three weeks ago. We didn't talk much that night, but I found him attractive so added him on FB. He invited me for coffee three days ago (Saturday) and we then proceeded to a nearby park for a midnight stroll. We trudged around the snow and slush in good humor and under a leafless tree and starless sky, he kissed me. While the kiss was amazing, I think it would have turned into a make-out session, had I not ended it.
On the walk back to his car, he held my hand. When we got into the car, he kissed me again. When he dropped me off at my car, he took a strand of my hair and twirled it around his fingers, then asked me if I wanted to 'hang out again' and I said, "Of course! Call me!" and rushed out because I was getting nervous around him.
I never got a text from him that said, "I had a great time" or something to that effect. After not hearing anything from him on Sunday, I finally texted him on Monday night and invited him to go salsa dancing (he loves every type of dancing). He called me to ask about the specifics and said he was flattered I considered him to be my dancing partner.
During salsa, he brushed a strand of hair away from my face very seductively... and I smirked and asked him if he was a Casanova. He only smiled and said that he really liked the way our bodies felt together. He tried to kiss me while we were dancing and I cocked my head away from him. A friend told me that he looked around the room a lot while we were dancing instead of paying attention to me.
I was pretty upset by this, mainly because I seem to be attracted to players (the last few guys I've dated have been womanizers) and I was hoping that this guy wasn't one of them. Tell me... was I reading the signs wrong? Am I being overly paranoid because of my past mistakes?
VictorM's advice:
The signs seem pretty obvious that this may not be the right guy to respect you as you, rightly so, want to be respected. You're not paranoid. And you didn't make mistakes -- the flaw those men possessed were their flaws, not yours.
But the really bad news is this: we tend to get attracted to the same type of person over and over. Unless something changes about you -- some deficiency that needs to be corrected -- you're likely to get attracted to the same type of guy again. And again. And again.
There are ways to change that which leads you to be attracted to these men, but you'd need to see a professional therapist. If you can't afford one, here's a two cent approach that might help you.
Make a list of the traits you most liked about each of these guys, at the point you felt the strongest attraction to each. After you have the list, prioritize it in order of the most attractive trait. By trait I mean things like: outgoing, confident, funny, generous, attentive, party animal, careless, etc. Got it?
Make the list and prioritize it. I'll wait.
Done?
Well, that trait at the top of the list is something you find inadequate about yourself. You subconsciously seek out guys like those to compensate for what you think is a shortcoming in yourself. If you work to improve that trait about yourself, such guys may not be so appealing to you in the future.
It most likely also has something to do with your father (or other male authority figure)... maybe he was a womanizer? A cheater? You couldn't stop him from being that way, and you may even blame yourself for not having tried to change him, or you tried but feel you fail, and so now, you seek similarly flawed men that will allow you to rectify "your mistake" (it's not your mistake, not your fault, but you think so).
Age: 25
Location: Columbus
Question: I met a guy through a friend's friend three weeks ago. We didn't talk much that night, but I found him attractive so added him on FB. He invited me for coffee three days ago (Saturday) and we then proceeded to a nearby park for a midnight stroll. We trudged around the snow and slush in good humor and under a leafless tree and starless sky, he kissed me. While the kiss was amazing, I think it would have turned into a make-out session, had I not ended it.
On the walk back to his car, he held my hand. When we got into the car, he kissed me again. When he dropped me off at my car, he took a strand of my hair and twirled it around his fingers, then asked me if I wanted to 'hang out again' and I said, "Of course! Call me!" and rushed out because I was getting nervous around him.
I never got a text from him that said, "I had a great time" or something to that effect. After not hearing anything from him on Sunday, I finally texted him on Monday night and invited him to go salsa dancing (he loves every type of dancing). He called me to ask about the specifics and said he was flattered I considered him to be my dancing partner.
During salsa, he brushed a strand of hair away from my face very seductively... and I smirked and asked him if he was a Casanova. He only smiled and said that he really liked the way our bodies felt together. He tried to kiss me while we were dancing and I cocked my head away from him. A friend told me that he looked around the room a lot while we were dancing instead of paying attention to me.
I was pretty upset by this, mainly because I seem to be attracted to players (the last few guys I've dated have been womanizers) and I was hoping that this guy wasn't one of them. Tell me... was I reading the signs wrong? Am I being overly paranoid because of my past mistakes?
VictorM's advice:
The signs seem pretty obvious that this may not be the right guy to respect you as you, rightly so, want to be respected. You're not paranoid. And you didn't make mistakes -- the flaw those men possessed were their flaws, not yours.
But the really bad news is this: we tend to get attracted to the same type of person over and over. Unless something changes about you -- some deficiency that needs to be corrected -- you're likely to get attracted to the same type of guy again. And again. And again.
There are ways to change that which leads you to be attracted to these men, but you'd need to see a professional therapist. If you can't afford one, here's a two cent approach that might help you.
Make a list of the traits you most liked about each of these guys, at the point you felt the strongest attraction to each. After you have the list, prioritize it in order of the most attractive trait. By trait I mean things like: outgoing, confident, funny, generous, attentive, party animal, careless, etc. Got it?
Make the list and prioritize it. I'll wait.
Done?
Well, that trait at the top of the list is something you find inadequate about yourself. You subconsciously seek out guys like those to compensate for what you think is a shortcoming in yourself. If you work to improve that trait about yourself, such guys may not be so appealing to you in the future.
It most likely also has something to do with your father (or other male authority figure)... maybe he was a womanizer? A cheater? You couldn't stop him from being that way, and you may even blame yourself for not having tried to change him, or you tried but feel you fail, and so now, you seek similarly flawed men that will allow you to rectify "your mistake" (it's not your mistake, not your fault, but you think so).
Friday, February 26, 2010
i just got out of a relationship of 9 years
By: suze
Age: 26
Location: long island
Question: hey, i just got out of a relationship of 9 years. i broke up with this guy because he was going on vacations alone and not asking me to go along...ever! we started spending time together right after the break up. but when i wanted to try to work things out. he said that he need time to "find himself". so, i wanted to give him space. the next day he kept texting me. he texted me all the time almost everyday. I finally told him that he had me confused and that he needed to find someone else. since he doesn't seem to know if he wants to be with me or not. So, on my bday he sent me flowers. now he is still texting. i want to know whats the deal? does he want to be with me or he does not want to be with me? because i want to take the next step in the relationship and hopefully get married in a few years. please, help...does he want to be with me or not or is he just scared????
VictorM's advice:
He's just having a hard time adjusting to a new routine. His gestures are not a reflection of wanting to get back together; they're just a reflection of a guy who doesn't want you to think he's a jerk. So, he's not doing any of those things for you; he's doing it for himself.
It's very common for girls to interpret actions such as his as signs he still cares, but the truth is exactly the opposite: those are the natural steps in the process of breaking up. Some people can quit another "cold-turkey," some can't. His gestures towards you will gradually decrease over the next few weeks.
Move on.
Age: 26
Location: long island
Question: hey, i just got out of a relationship of 9 years. i broke up with this guy because he was going on vacations alone and not asking me to go along...ever! we started spending time together right after the break up. but when i wanted to try to work things out. he said that he need time to "find himself". so, i wanted to give him space. the next day he kept texting me. he texted me all the time almost everyday. I finally told him that he had me confused and that he needed to find someone else. since he doesn't seem to know if he wants to be with me or not. So, on my bday he sent me flowers. now he is still texting. i want to know whats the deal? does he want to be with me or he does not want to be with me? because i want to take the next step in the relationship and hopefully get married in a few years. please, help...does he want to be with me or not or is he just scared????
VictorM's advice:
He's just having a hard time adjusting to a new routine. His gestures are not a reflection of wanting to get back together; they're just a reflection of a guy who doesn't want you to think he's a jerk. So, he's not doing any of those things for you; he's doing it for himself.
It's very common for girls to interpret actions such as his as signs he still cares, but the truth is exactly the opposite: those are the natural steps in the process of breaking up. Some people can quit another "cold-turkey," some can't. His gestures towards you will gradually decrease over the next few weeks.
Move on.
How do I approach a guy
By: Shy
Age: 15
Location: Alabama
Question: Well, there's this guy. I haven't gathered up enough courage to talk to him yet, but my friends say that he's my type. I think I'd really like him if i got to know him, but that's the problem. How do I approach a guy that I've never talked to in my life?
VictorM's advice:
Find out his name (let's assume it's John) and next time you see him, smile and say: "Hi, John" and keep walking.
Really, that's all you have to do. Try it. You'll see... it may take a few days but before long, he'll approach you.
Age: 15
Location: Alabama
Question: Well, there's this guy. I haven't gathered up enough courage to talk to him yet, but my friends say that he's my type. I think I'd really like him if i got to know him, but that's the problem. How do I approach a guy that I've never talked to in my life?
VictorM's advice:
Find out his name (let's assume it's John) and next time you see him, smile and say: "Hi, John" and keep walking.
Really, that's all you have to do. Try it. You'll see... it may take a few days but before long, he'll approach you.
his face was beet red
By: tammy
Age: 40
Location: rumney nh
Question: I have a question concerning a man at my gym. I noticed a few weeks ago that he has been staring at me. I kinda liked it but when I didn't give him attention he would mumble things under his breath and kinda glare at me. the other day I noticed he was staring at another women his face was beet red and he looked almost mad I don't know it was really weird. when he stares he stares hard like he's mad. do you have any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I do:
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!
Age: 40
Location: rumney nh
Question: I have a question concerning a man at my gym. I noticed a few weeks ago that he has been staring at me. I kinda liked it but when I didn't give him attention he would mumble things under his breath and kinda glare at me. the other day I noticed he was staring at another women his face was beet red and he looked almost mad I don't know it was really weird. when he stares he stares hard like he's mad. do you have any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I do:
STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!
i only see him at track practice
By: K
Age: 16
Question: there's this senior guy that i've liked for about a year now. i'm a sophomore so i only see him at track practice, and in the halls/at lunch. i want to tell him how i feel because i have nothing to lose, since he will be gone forever come September. i want to write him a letter, and mail it to him. is that weird? it wouldn't be sappy, just short and to the point. i do have reason to believe that we have some chemistry, from our various encounters. he does know my name, and we have had conversations before so i'm not some girl he has never met. but if a letter is weird, do you have another suggestion? or should i just not do anything at all?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he will be gone, so you don't have a lot of time to waste. You have to remember that he's off to college, so the idea that he'll want to be tied down with a long distance relationship is pretty slim, but still, if you like him, why not do something about it, and soon?
But I don't suggest a letter. To spell out feelings in a letter is too strong and too prone to be used improperly by him, in case he finds it silly. A much better approach, if you have the nerve, is to get friendlier in person -- smile, greet him using his name, touch him when talking to him, stand closer to him than normal, etc -- and suggest that you go together to see a movie (hopefully one that you know he wants to see), or something like that. He's more willing to do that than if you confess feelings, cause that's too drastic for a guy. If he accepts your invitation, things can progress pretty quickly; if he does not, then you at least know how he feels.
Age: 16
Question: there's this senior guy that i've liked for about a year now. i'm a sophomore so i only see him at track practice, and in the halls/at lunch. i want to tell him how i feel because i have nothing to lose, since he will be gone forever come September. i want to write him a letter, and mail it to him. is that weird? it wouldn't be sappy, just short and to the point. i do have reason to believe that we have some chemistry, from our various encounters. he does know my name, and we have had conversations before so i'm not some girl he has never met. but if a letter is weird, do you have another suggestion? or should i just not do anything at all?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he will be gone, so you don't have a lot of time to waste. You have to remember that he's off to college, so the idea that he'll want to be tied down with a long distance relationship is pretty slim, but still, if you like him, why not do something about it, and soon?
But I don't suggest a letter. To spell out feelings in a letter is too strong and too prone to be used improperly by him, in case he finds it silly. A much better approach, if you have the nerve, is to get friendlier in person -- smile, greet him using his name, touch him when talking to him, stand closer to him than normal, etc -- and suggest that you go together to see a movie (hopefully one that you know he wants to see), or something like that. He's more willing to do that than if you confess feelings, cause that's too drastic for a guy. If he accepts your invitation, things can progress pretty quickly; if he does not, then you at least know how he feels.
a couple days ago we both got drunk
By: Nicole
Age: 19
Location: Naples
Question: This October I started Uni. I’ve made pretty good friends with all my flatmate, but there is this one boy in my flat that I like. We used to joke all the time. He is always teasing and annoying me but I know that that is his way of saying “hello!” In front of our other flatmates, he would treat me like any other friend. However, once everyone went to their rooms, we stayed up chatting, flirting, and joking (mostly sex jokes.) This was before Christmas break. We all went to our own countries and didn’t really keep in touch.
After the holidays, he was acting distant and cold. He would just stay in his room chatting with friends from home. I grew tired and decided not to bother about him anymore. However two weeks after we returned he told me and another flatmate that over the holidays he had seen the girl he has always been in love with. She lives in Ukraine, where he is from. They hadn’t seen each other in a long time, but they’ve known each other for almost nine years. He won’t go back to Ukraine until he is done with his degree, so he knows it’s pointless to have a relationship right now.
I understood this, so I decided to give up. But a couple days ago we both got drunk. Our flatmates were with us, but he kept joking about having sex with me. We danced and he was all over me. I told him about this crush I had (and still have) on a high school friend. He told me more about the girl. And then we went to his room to see their Facebook profiles. I was pretty much drunk (and so was he). I became very sad and he put his arm around and tried to calm me down. He started kissing me and ended up making out in his room. He wanted to go further but I told him I was not going to have sex with him. After that I went into my room. I didn’t speak to him the next day because we both were busy. He just looked at me with a knowing smile.
I don’t understand what is going on. He hasn’t said anything about it. He has not even teased me. I don’t want to say anything because I’m under no delusion that he cares about me in that way or that we will have a relationship because of the kiss. I don’t know what to do. I wish he would talk to me about it, but we are acting as if nothing happened.
I need help!! I’m freaking out right now.
VictorM's advice:
Talk to you about what? You were both drunk, nothing really happened, and so, life goes on.
Listen, guys would screw anything as long as it's alive and not their mother. If you think his making out with you has any meaning, you're just thinking like a girl -- it has no meaning. It was all just a matter of opportunity, and as the saying goes, "opportunity makes the thief."
Age: 19
Location: Naples
Question: This October I started Uni. I’ve made pretty good friends with all my flatmate, but there is this one boy in my flat that I like. We used to joke all the time. He is always teasing and annoying me but I know that that is his way of saying “hello!” In front of our other flatmates, he would treat me like any other friend. However, once everyone went to their rooms, we stayed up chatting, flirting, and joking (mostly sex jokes.) This was before Christmas break. We all went to our own countries and didn’t really keep in touch.
After the holidays, he was acting distant and cold. He would just stay in his room chatting with friends from home. I grew tired and decided not to bother about him anymore. However two weeks after we returned he told me and another flatmate that over the holidays he had seen the girl he has always been in love with. She lives in Ukraine, where he is from. They hadn’t seen each other in a long time, but they’ve known each other for almost nine years. He won’t go back to Ukraine until he is done with his degree, so he knows it’s pointless to have a relationship right now.
I understood this, so I decided to give up. But a couple days ago we both got drunk. Our flatmates were with us, but he kept joking about having sex with me. We danced and he was all over me. I told him about this crush I had (and still have) on a high school friend. He told me more about the girl. And then we went to his room to see their Facebook profiles. I was pretty much drunk (and so was he). I became very sad and he put his arm around and tried to calm me down. He started kissing me and ended up making out in his room. He wanted to go further but I told him I was not going to have sex with him. After that I went into my room. I didn’t speak to him the next day because we both were busy. He just looked at me with a knowing smile.
I don’t understand what is going on. He hasn’t said anything about it. He has not even teased me. I don’t want to say anything because I’m under no delusion that he cares about me in that way or that we will have a relationship because of the kiss. I don’t know what to do. I wish he would talk to me about it, but we are acting as if nothing happened.
I need help!! I’m freaking out right now.
VictorM's advice:
Talk to you about what? You were both drunk, nothing really happened, and so, life goes on.
Listen, guys would screw anything as long as it's alive and not their mother. If you think his making out with you has any meaning, you're just thinking like a girl -- it has no meaning. It was all just a matter of opportunity, and as the saying goes, "opportunity makes the thief."
he is 40 and I'm 25
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: Puerto rico
Question: I met a guy through a job, he is 40 and I'm 25. I'm attracted to him, but I can't tell if he is attracted to me or just wants to be friends. He texts me often, friend texts that is. He invites me over his place for dinner and drinks but nothing happens. He tells me all about his life and his experiences and asks me about mine, but he doesn't make a move. He says things about how great I look, but that's it. We go out to the bar we work at and he makes comments about other girls like, she's hot blah blah.. I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
Well, there's no need for confusion.
Just because a guy likes your company and finds you attractive, it does NOT follow that he's willing to be in a relationship with you. And if he can enjoy your company without being in a relationship, he's going to take that.
Girls see a relationship as security but guys see it as loss of freedom. So, he's in no rush to give up that freedom, and may never want to do it for you, for whatever reason (age difference being a real possibility). Yes, it does wonders for the ego of a 40 year old man to be with a 25 year old girl, but it's a different matter altogether about wanting a future together.
You are pleasant, attractive, ego boosting company. No more, no less.
Age: 25
Location: Puerto rico
Question: I met a guy through a job, he is 40 and I'm 25. I'm attracted to him, but I can't tell if he is attracted to me or just wants to be friends. He texts me often, friend texts that is. He invites me over his place for dinner and drinks but nothing happens. He tells me all about his life and his experiences and asks me about mine, but he doesn't make a move. He says things about how great I look, but that's it. We go out to the bar we work at and he makes comments about other girls like, she's hot blah blah.. I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
Well, there's no need for confusion.
Just because a guy likes your company and finds you attractive, it does NOT follow that he's willing to be in a relationship with you. And if he can enjoy your company without being in a relationship, he's going to take that.
Girls see a relationship as security but guys see it as loss of freedom. So, he's in no rush to give up that freedom, and may never want to do it for you, for whatever reason (age difference being a real possibility). Yes, it does wonders for the ego of a 40 year old man to be with a 25 year old girl, but it's a different matter altogether about wanting a future together.
You are pleasant, attractive, ego boosting company. No more, no less.
I didn't want to just get with him in a club!
By: Pixie
Age: 20
Location: London
Question: So I really like this guy in my year at university and he and all his friends found out.
His friends really pushed to get us together when we were out partying but it didn't work cos I didn't want to just get with him in a club!
Now it's been really weird between us in class, like we don't even manage to say hi but I always catch him looking over and vice versa and there's a tension in the air always.
He's definitely v.shy and even when I tried to talk to him a couple of times it was a shallow conversation..
How do I get to know him better? Should I ask him out because all the things he's heard about me liking him never directly came from me! What should I do to get to him with all his sniggering friends in the way?!
VictorM's advice:
Smile. Great him using his name. Find out things he's passionate about and ask him questions about those topics, giving him a chance to show off.
But do NOT ask him out yourself; it'll most likely backfire on you.
Age: 20
Location: London
Question: So I really like this guy in my year at university and he and all his friends found out.
His friends really pushed to get us together when we were out partying but it didn't work cos I didn't want to just get with him in a club!
Now it's been really weird between us in class, like we don't even manage to say hi but I always catch him looking over and vice versa and there's a tension in the air always.
He's definitely v.shy and even when I tried to talk to him a couple of times it was a shallow conversation..
How do I get to know him better? Should I ask him out because all the things he's heard about me liking him never directly came from me! What should I do to get to him with all his sniggering friends in the way?!
VictorM's advice:
Smile. Great him using his name. Find out things he's passionate about and ask him questions about those topics, giving him a chance to show off.
But do NOT ask him out yourself; it'll most likely backfire on you.
he told me he was in love with me
By: Christi
Age: 39
Location: Maryland
Question: I had been friends with this guy for quite some time. From the day we met, everyone could tell he was interested in me. We got to know each other over time. At first, I told him I didn't want a boyfriend, because I had been hurt. But, he continued to pursue me, stating he had confidence that eventually I would see how he feels about me and be with him. The feelings grew for both of us. One evening, he told me he was in love with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I reciprocated. We did not have sex- he said he wanted to save it for a special time. He told me he had never felt this way about anyone before, even his exwife.
A couple of days later, we realized that perhaps we had jumped in too fast, and that we would step back a little bit. He said to me, Christi, don't run from me and back away. It would devastate me. I said I'm not running, I just want us to talk about being in a relationship and what it would mean for both of us.
So then, shortly after, he started to act weird. He started not wanting to be around me that much. He told me luckily we didn't have sex, because that would have made him run. He wanted things to work between us, and knows how he feels about me, but he's used to being by himself. So I gave him time to do some things without me. Well, he said things were okay, and I thought things were okay, but then two days ago he said he just wants to be friends. He says that it started bothering him that people come up to him and ask him where's christi all the time. He wants to be able to do what he wants, like just go home on a Saturday. I told him, I was fine with that, we could just hang out whenever he wanted.
But, I don't know what he's going to do. I don't know what's going on. He fought so hard to get me, and he told all of our friends I was the love of his life! The only back info I can give you is that he got separated three years ago and he told a friend of mine that his wife cheated on him (but didn't tell me that). Their divorce was finalized in October, and his exwife is currently moving in with her boyfriend, as of the past two weeks.
Please help! I love this guy with all of my heart and don't want to lose him. Should I just say okay to being friends for now, and just back off, or should I ask him to reconsider, or what? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
None of what he said before matters now. People say all kinds of things that they may very well mean at the time but are a reflection of their state of mind at that moment, not a guarantee for the future. And we change, often rapidly.
He's not into you romantically anymore. You were an intriguing catch, a challenge, a great prospect, but after some more time, it didn't pan out for him.
He has nothing to reconsider -- matters of the heart aren't resolved by deep thought.
You have nothing to gain by staying friends; just more heartache and loss of time. Move on.
Age: 39
Location: Maryland
Question: I had been friends with this guy for quite some time. From the day we met, everyone could tell he was interested in me. We got to know each other over time. At first, I told him I didn't want a boyfriend, because I had been hurt. But, he continued to pursue me, stating he had confidence that eventually I would see how he feels about me and be with him. The feelings grew for both of us. One evening, he told me he was in love with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I reciprocated. We did not have sex- he said he wanted to save it for a special time. He told me he had never felt this way about anyone before, even his exwife.
A couple of days later, we realized that perhaps we had jumped in too fast, and that we would step back a little bit. He said to me, Christi, don't run from me and back away. It would devastate me. I said I'm not running, I just want us to talk about being in a relationship and what it would mean for both of us.
So then, shortly after, he started to act weird. He started not wanting to be around me that much. He told me luckily we didn't have sex, because that would have made him run. He wanted things to work between us, and knows how he feels about me, but he's used to being by himself. So I gave him time to do some things without me. Well, he said things were okay, and I thought things were okay, but then two days ago he said he just wants to be friends. He says that it started bothering him that people come up to him and ask him where's christi all the time. He wants to be able to do what he wants, like just go home on a Saturday. I told him, I was fine with that, we could just hang out whenever he wanted.
But, I don't know what he's going to do. I don't know what's going on. He fought so hard to get me, and he told all of our friends I was the love of his life! The only back info I can give you is that he got separated three years ago and he told a friend of mine that his wife cheated on him (but didn't tell me that). Their divorce was finalized in October, and his exwife is currently moving in with her boyfriend, as of the past two weeks.
Please help! I love this guy with all of my heart and don't want to lose him. Should I just say okay to being friends for now, and just back off, or should I ask him to reconsider, or what? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
None of what he said before matters now. People say all kinds of things that they may very well mean at the time but are a reflection of their state of mind at that moment, not a guarantee for the future. And we change, often rapidly.
He's not into you romantically anymore. You were an intriguing catch, a challenge, a great prospect, but after some more time, it didn't pan out for him.
He has nothing to reconsider -- matters of the heart aren't resolved by deep thought.
You have nothing to gain by staying friends; just more heartache and loss of time. Move on.
Democrats/liberals
By: Ann
Age: 46
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Where do you think that I can go at my age to meet men that are Democrats/liberals?
I always seem to meet men that are my opposite - pro guns, anti-healthcare, the whole nine yards! I hate it!
VictorM's advice:
Oh dear... I feel for you. Those people aren't even in the same species as the rest of us. :-p
I assume you're not in or near a big city, otherwise, it would be simple to meet sane men. I suggest you consider the following:
-- If available in your area, join any organization that has to do with protecting the environment or animals. Even if you don't find someone there, they may have friends.
-- With an election coming up in a few months, find out what Democrat is running for office in your district and volunteer to help. Not only do you open the doors to meeting other Democrats, but even if you don't meet a date-worthy guy, you'll feel good about yourself by helping the good guys.
-- Consider joining an online dating site, like match.com for example. You can specific your political leanings and search by that criteria. I actually did that for a while and totally refused any wink from conservatives. You can do the same.
-- If money is an issue, try http://democraticsingles.net/ They are free to search and much cheaper than most others to join.
-- Lastly, all kidding aside, not all conservatives are worth dismissing. Er... on second thought... yeah, they are! :-p
Age: 46
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Where do you think that I can go at my age to meet men that are Democrats/liberals?
I always seem to meet men that are my opposite - pro guns, anti-healthcare, the whole nine yards! I hate it!
VictorM's advice:
Oh dear... I feel for you. Those people aren't even in the same species as the rest of us. :-p
I assume you're not in or near a big city, otherwise, it would be simple to meet sane men. I suggest you consider the following:
-- If available in your area, join any organization that has to do with protecting the environment or animals. Even if you don't find someone there, they may have friends.
-- With an election coming up in a few months, find out what Democrat is running for office in your district and volunteer to help. Not only do you open the doors to meeting other Democrats, but even if you don't meet a date-worthy guy, you'll feel good about yourself by helping the good guys.
-- Consider joining an online dating site, like match.com for example. You can specific your political leanings and search by that criteria. I actually did that for a while and totally refused any wink from conservatives. You can do the same.
-- If money is an issue, try http://democraticsingles.net/ They are free to search and much cheaper than most others to join.
-- Lastly, all kidding aside, not all conservatives are worth dismissing. Er... on second thought... yeah, they are! :-p
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
He's my neighbour and he goes to my school
By: crazyinlove
Age: 16
Location: toronto
Question: i really like this guy. He's my neighbour and he goes to my school. We talk but we are not THAT close. I want to get closer. He's really nice, but shy. I talk to him online and i'm always the one who starts the convo. i can't talk to him at school cause his friends are ALWAYS there, and they are jackasses and will start teasing us and talking shit. it's really hard to tell if he likes me to.. i wanna know if i should wait till i know him better, or if i should go ahead and tell him how i feel. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk or study together and stuff before but things always came up at last minute. How do i become closer with him? cause every time we talk ..it's always about school stuff. I really want things to work out.
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, don't tell him how you feel. That almost always works against the girl.
Find out what his interests are outside of school, like sports, music, video games, and talk about that with him. In particular, ask him questions to allow him to show off his knowledge. Guys LOVE to talk to girls they can impress.
Age: 16
Location: toronto
Question: i really like this guy. He's my neighbour and he goes to my school. We talk but we are not THAT close. I want to get closer. He's really nice, but shy. I talk to him online and i'm always the one who starts the convo. i can't talk to him at school cause his friends are ALWAYS there, and they are jackasses and will start teasing us and talking shit. it's really hard to tell if he likes me to.. i wanna know if i should wait till i know him better, or if i should go ahead and tell him how i feel. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk or study together and stuff before but things always came up at last minute. How do i become closer with him? cause every time we talk ..it's always about school stuff. I really want things to work out.
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, don't tell him how you feel. That almost always works against the girl.
Find out what his interests are outside of school, like sports, music, video games, and talk about that with him. In particular, ask him questions to allow him to show off his knowledge. Guys LOVE to talk to girls they can impress.
I became close friends with a guy with a ton of baggage
By: Danielle
Age: 26
Location: FL
Question: I never thought that I would be looking online for advice, but I honestly feel like I don't know what else to do!
I became close friends with a guy with a ton of baggage (all of which I am willing to deal with) but the baggage has left him very shy and insecure. I am AWFUL with expressing my feelings as well. (I honestly have never told someone I was interested in them first).
We have become extremely close, however, I am scared I have unintentionally placed him in the "friend zone." He seemingly flirts with me, constantly asks me about the other men in my life and talks to my friends about me. But everything remains just at that questionable line where it could appear one is reading too much into it or not reading far enough into it. We have great chemistry, I just don't know if it stays at friends. I mean, wouldn't he have made a move by now if he was interested (despite his insecurities)? This has been going on for nearly a year. And I have spent countless nights just watching movies with him on his couch till 3am.) I know I don't make things particularily simple either, but come on!
VictorM's advice:
Why should he make a move? He has your attention when he wants it, you go watch movies when he wants it, he enjoys your company when he wants it, why change? Why risk a relationship, with it's responsibilities, expectations, and obligations?
Besides, none of what you say are signs that he is interested in anything more than what he has. Guys flirt to feel good about themselves, not to show feelings.
You want a change? Be the change! Stop being a buddy, a pal, a friend. Dress like you're on dates, make him work for your attention, hold you gaze a little longer, touch him more often, and spend more time with other friends.
If he wants more of you, he'll chase you; if not, then you'll know you're the filler girl... someone to spend time with and get over things until the next one comes along.
Age: 26
Location: FL
Question: I never thought that I would be looking online for advice, but I honestly feel like I don't know what else to do!
I became close friends with a guy with a ton of baggage (all of which I am willing to deal with) but the baggage has left him very shy and insecure. I am AWFUL with expressing my feelings as well. (I honestly have never told someone I was interested in them first).
We have become extremely close, however, I am scared I have unintentionally placed him in the "friend zone." He seemingly flirts with me, constantly asks me about the other men in my life and talks to my friends about me. But everything remains just at that questionable line where it could appear one is reading too much into it or not reading far enough into it. We have great chemistry, I just don't know if it stays at friends. I mean, wouldn't he have made a move by now if he was interested (despite his insecurities)? This has been going on for nearly a year. And I have spent countless nights just watching movies with him on his couch till 3am.) I know I don't make things particularily simple either, but come on!
VictorM's advice:
Why should he make a move? He has your attention when he wants it, you go watch movies when he wants it, he enjoys your company when he wants it, why change? Why risk a relationship, with it's responsibilities, expectations, and obligations?
Besides, none of what you say are signs that he is interested in anything more than what he has. Guys flirt to feel good about themselves, not to show feelings.
You want a change? Be the change! Stop being a buddy, a pal, a friend. Dress like you're on dates, make him work for your attention, hold you gaze a little longer, touch him more often, and spend more time with other friends.
If he wants more of you, he'll chase you; if not, then you'll know you're the filler girl... someone to spend time with and get over things until the next one comes along.
she's intellectual, beautiful inside and out
By: LovelyScones
Age: 20
Location: Detroit
Question: Men, let's say you meet this girl(me) at work and you like her a lot out of all the girls in the workplace. She's different to you, she's intellectual, beautiful inside and out, wife material, a virgin, in school and has a job and mysterious and its something about her you are intrigued by. Especially from the girls you're used to encountering. Anyways you have a baby mama back home and you know that that relationship is on the rocks. So you start talking to this girl at work getting to know everything about her and enjoy being around her and would pretty much do anything for her. She begins to show signs of interest in you, but she isn't throwing herself at you like most girls would.
So you like the challenge I guess. Anyways, some months go by and your baby mama dumps you and you then want to try and pursue a real relationship with the girl at work. You text and call her occasionally but the most you see each other is at work, but you make arrangements to hang outside of work. She is still willing to give you a chance despite the mixed signals and broken promises you gave her, during that duration of 5 months. Then you just drop all communication with her.....
So not only did you open up to this girl personally and affectionately about your life etc..., you was willing to be on her level of maturity and accept her abstinence. You'd even talked to her about a future together. So why was it so easy for him to shut me off? Did he not care?.. Thanks guys.
VictorM's advice:
He cared. He cared enough to give you a try, to learn about you, to spend time with you. And after he did that, he realized that although much about you sounded appealing, it's not what he's after.
Some people need more drama, upheaval, chaos in their lives than others. The wonderful traits you described about yourself, while fantastic for some guys, may not be what this one guy was after.
And considering his past behavior with the baby mama and even with you, I'd say you dodged a bullet.
Age: 20
Location: Detroit
Question: Men, let's say you meet this girl(me) at work and you like her a lot out of all the girls in the workplace. She's different to you, she's intellectual, beautiful inside and out, wife material, a virgin, in school and has a job and mysterious and its something about her you are intrigued by. Especially from the girls you're used to encountering. Anyways you have a baby mama back home and you know that that relationship is on the rocks. So you start talking to this girl at work getting to know everything about her and enjoy being around her and would pretty much do anything for her. She begins to show signs of interest in you, but she isn't throwing herself at you like most girls would.
So you like the challenge I guess. Anyways, some months go by and your baby mama dumps you and you then want to try and pursue a real relationship with the girl at work. You text and call her occasionally but the most you see each other is at work, but you make arrangements to hang outside of work. She is still willing to give you a chance despite the mixed signals and broken promises you gave her, during that duration of 5 months. Then you just drop all communication with her.....
So not only did you open up to this girl personally and affectionately about your life etc..., you was willing to be on her level of maturity and accept her abstinence. You'd even talked to her about a future together. So why was it so easy for him to shut me off? Did he not care?.. Thanks guys.
VictorM's advice:
He cared. He cared enough to give you a try, to learn about you, to spend time with you. And after he did that, he realized that although much about you sounded appealing, it's not what he's after.
Some people need more drama, upheaval, chaos in their lives than others. The wonderful traits you described about yourself, while fantastic for some guys, may not be what this one guy was after.
And considering his past behavior with the baby mama and even with you, I'd say you dodged a bullet.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
there's a guy that I want to ask out
By: Confuzzed
Age: 16
Location: Florida
Question: So...I've never actually been on a date before and there's a guy that I want to ask out. We're pretty good friends, and I've liked him for a few years now. I was going to ask him out sooner but he had a girlfriend. He's now single, and I want to ask him out but I'm nervous.
He's really sweet, and all my friends keep encouraging me to ask him out, but I have no idea if he likes me, plus he's shy so I'm not sure if I asked him if he would say yes just so my feelings wouldn't get hurt. Advice?
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him out! It's too risky. Once guys know for sure you like them, they tend to go looking for a bigger challenge.
Instead of asking him out, mention something like "tonight I'm going to the mall around 7:00... if you're there, say hello, ok?" This gives him an opportunity to show his interest if he really has any, by going to the mall. Once there, and if he says hello, you can always say "I feel like getting ice cream. let's get some." And now you're spending time alone.
If he doesn't show up, no big deal, it could be because he couldn't make it.
You can try this sorta thing with movies, sporting events, parties, etc... any opportunity you have to let him know where you're going to be and see if he shows up. Of course, if after a few times he never shows up, you'll know he's not interested.
You can also give him opportunities to ask you. For example, you can say to him "I really want to see X movie, but none of my friends want to go, and I hate going alone." If he's so inclined, it's easy for him to say, "I'll go with you."
Age: 16
Location: Florida
Question: So...I've never actually been on a date before and there's a guy that I want to ask out. We're pretty good friends, and I've liked him for a few years now. I was going to ask him out sooner but he had a girlfriend. He's now single, and I want to ask him out but I'm nervous.
He's really sweet, and all my friends keep encouraging me to ask him out, but I have no idea if he likes me, plus he's shy so I'm not sure if I asked him if he would say yes just so my feelings wouldn't get hurt. Advice?
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him out! It's too risky. Once guys know for sure you like them, they tend to go looking for a bigger challenge.
Instead of asking him out, mention something like "tonight I'm going to the mall around 7:00... if you're there, say hello, ok?" This gives him an opportunity to show his interest if he really has any, by going to the mall. Once there, and if he says hello, you can always say "I feel like getting ice cream. let's get some." And now you're spending time alone.
If he doesn't show up, no big deal, it could be because he couldn't make it.
You can try this sorta thing with movies, sporting events, parties, etc... any opportunity you have to let him know where you're going to be and see if he shows up. Of course, if after a few times he never shows up, you'll know he's not interested.
You can also give him opportunities to ask you. For example, you can say to him "I really want to see X movie, but none of my friends want to go, and I hate going alone." If he's so inclined, it's easy for him to say, "I'll go with you."
I have recently started a friends with benefits relationship!
By: Dana
Age: 25
Location: Texas
Question: OK so... I have recently started a friends with benefits relationship! My first one. Iv known this guy through my brother, for years, but we have never talked much, till about 3 weeks ago. Its a long story, but the short of it is, that we decided to be FWB, after a long make out session at my house. He came over again the next night and we took it farther. Since this is my first FWB relationship, it is very strange for me. We have since seen each other once, which was night before last. he came over and stayed till 5:00am, we did not have sex that time, just a lot of other stuff. He is younger then me and freaked out after the first time because he did it without protection. So he was thinking maybe we shouldn't have sex anymore,lol! Like I said he freaked out. Anyway, so he came with no protection again the other night, so that he could use that as a way to stop himself! But things got really hott and he wanted to and because he didn't bring a condom we didn't. I guess I said all that to say, I told him I wanted more at one point, and I meant it as I wanted us to do this more, not like i wanted to have a relationship. Im afraid that even though i explained it, that he will not come back around now because of it! Did i screw it up? He got worried when i said it, and said some things like maybe we shouldn't have done this! and that's when I explained what i meant by it. I tried my best to let him know I just meant I wanted more of him, in a sex way only! Anyway, I calmed him down, IN MY WAY!!! and we went back to bed for a few more hours. I also did something i hadn't ever done to him before!!! And he was singing my praises so to speak! Do you think it will be enough to keep him coming back?
VictorM's advice:
Oh he will come back, time and time again... until the day you start acting like a girlfriend.
Age: 25
Location: Texas
Question: OK so... I have recently started a friends with benefits relationship! My first one. Iv known this guy through my brother, for years, but we have never talked much, till about 3 weeks ago. Its a long story, but the short of it is, that we decided to be FWB, after a long make out session at my house. He came over again the next night and we took it farther. Since this is my first FWB relationship, it is very strange for me. We have since seen each other once, which was night before last. he came over and stayed till 5:00am, we did not have sex that time, just a lot of other stuff. He is younger then me and freaked out after the first time because he did it without protection. So he was thinking maybe we shouldn't have sex anymore,lol! Like I said he freaked out. Anyway, so he came with no protection again the other night, so that he could use that as a way to stop himself! But things got really hott and he wanted to and because he didn't bring a condom we didn't. I guess I said all that to say, I told him I wanted more at one point, and I meant it as I wanted us to do this more, not like i wanted to have a relationship. Im afraid that even though i explained it, that he will not come back around now because of it! Did i screw it up? He got worried when i said it, and said some things like maybe we shouldn't have done this! and that's when I explained what i meant by it. I tried my best to let him know I just meant I wanted more of him, in a sex way only! Anyway, I calmed him down, IN MY WAY!!! and we went back to bed for a few more hours. I also did something i hadn't ever done to him before!!! And he was singing my praises so to speak! Do you think it will be enough to keep him coming back?
VictorM's advice:
Oh he will come back, time and time again... until the day you start acting like a girlfriend.
my best friend told me she likes him
By: Tanya
Age: 14
Location: New york
Question: Hey victor. It's me again. Well you were right. He did like me. But right after I found out he likes me my best friend told me she likes him. And now she won't talk to me. But I really like this guy. A lot. He's my best friend but should I risk my best friend for him? I mean most days I talk to him more than I talk to her. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Oh no, I'm not even venturing an opinion between two female friends who like the same guy. It would be easier to bring peace to the middle east.
Other females... any advice for Tanya? (Use the Visitor Comments section below)
Age: 14
Location: New york
Question: Hey victor. It's me again. Well you were right. He did like me. But right after I found out he likes me my best friend told me she likes him. And now she won't talk to me. But I really like this guy. A lot. He's my best friend but should I risk my best friend for him? I mean most days I talk to him more than I talk to her. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Oh no, I'm not even venturing an opinion between two female friends who like the same guy. It would be easier to bring peace to the middle east.
Other females... any advice for Tanya? (Use the Visitor Comments section below)
he had to text me first
By: Katherine
Age: 17
Location: California
Question: Hey Victor!
So I was talking to this guy I know who I would like to be better acquainted with if you know what I mean ;). Well I asked him if he texts and he said "Yeah my number is....." But if my effort to play hard to get I told him that according to girl rules, that he had to text me first and gave him my number. He didn't text me. Later he messaged me on facebook (it was right after we stopped talking actually) saying that he didn't text me because his phone was dead and that it's in his bedroom, without me asking about it. Was it a bad move that I made telling him to text me instead and was the message an excuse or something else?
VictorM's advice:
What's with saying you're in California, Kitty? :)
Not a bad move to tell him to text you. It's good for guys to feel they're working for your attention.
Age: 17
Location: California
Question: Hey Victor!
So I was talking to this guy I know who I would like to be better acquainted with if you know what I mean ;). Well I asked him if he texts and he said "Yeah my number is....." But if my effort to play hard to get I told him that according to girl rules, that he had to text me first and gave him my number. He didn't text me. Later he messaged me on facebook (it was right after we stopped talking actually) saying that he didn't text me because his phone was dead and that it's in his bedroom, without me asking about it. Was it a bad move that I made telling him to text me instead and was the message an excuse or something else?
VictorM's advice:
What's with saying you're in California, Kitty? :)
Not a bad move to tell him to text you. It's good for guys to feel they're working for your attention.
the next day we made out
By: Maggie
Question: Hi i made a post about a month ago about going to a concert and spending the night with the guy and he does nothing but cuddle.... well here is an addition.
Well when i got back to school he got a girlfriend who he then broke up with and the next day we made out. then two days later we had sex, and took my virginity. He knew i was a virgin and used to be apprehensive about doing any sort of thing with me because of that fact. well we had sex. and it hasn't been awkward anytime we have hung out afterward. the next day it wasn't awkward at all nor was the whole rest of the week or after we had sex again. it is like we are pretty much exactly the same good friends. for the most part.
My question is would a guy be willing to sleep with a virgin if he didn't have any emotional attachment?
I don't mind if that's the case, because there is no way i want a relationship now, and i know he doesn't want a relationship quite yet because he has spent most of his adult life in a relationship. but then again it just contradicts all the things i have been told about about guys having sex with virgins.
VictorM's advice:
grrrr... about your virginity... he took nothing; you gave it away! (Sorry, just a pet peeve of mine... amazing how girls refuse to take responsibility for their own actions).
"would a guy be willing to sleep with a virgin if he didn't have any emotional attachment?" The average guy would totally and completely be willing to have sex with you without any emotional attachment, virgin or no virgin. No question about it.
While some guys might pause at having sex with a virgin for fear of being pressured into a relationship, the allure of being the first will almost always supersede the fear. Heck, suicidal terrorists aren't promised 72 "been around the block a few times" girls; they are promised 72 virgins. There's a reason for that.
Question: Hi i made a post about a month ago about going to a concert and spending the night with the guy and he does nothing but cuddle.... well here is an addition.
Well when i got back to school he got a girlfriend who he then broke up with and the next day we made out. then two days later we had sex, and took my virginity. He knew i was a virgin and used to be apprehensive about doing any sort of thing with me because of that fact. well we had sex. and it hasn't been awkward anytime we have hung out afterward. the next day it wasn't awkward at all nor was the whole rest of the week or after we had sex again. it is like we are pretty much exactly the same good friends. for the most part.
My question is would a guy be willing to sleep with a virgin if he didn't have any emotional attachment?
I don't mind if that's the case, because there is no way i want a relationship now, and i know he doesn't want a relationship quite yet because he has spent most of his adult life in a relationship. but then again it just contradicts all the things i have been told about about guys having sex with virgins.
VictorM's advice:
grrrr... about your virginity... he took nothing; you gave it away! (Sorry, just a pet peeve of mine... amazing how girls refuse to take responsibility for their own actions).
"would a guy be willing to sleep with a virgin if he didn't have any emotional attachment?" The average guy would totally and completely be willing to have sex with you without any emotional attachment, virgin or no virgin. No question about it.
While some guys might pause at having sex with a virgin for fear of being pressured into a relationship, the allure of being the first will almost always supersede the fear. Heck, suicidal terrorists aren't promised 72 "been around the block a few times" girls; they are promised 72 virgins. There's a reason for that.
My boyfriend forgot my birthday
By: diana
Age: 36
Location: ohio
Question: My boyfriend forgot my birthday. Although it the first time my b-day has happened during our relationship, I at least expected a phone call or Happy Birthday text. But he didn't remember until I reminded him the next day. Several days later I still feel hurt. Am I overreacting? Should I just blow it off? I at least wished him one on his birthday even though it was early on in our relationship.and yes, he definitely knew what day it was too.I just wondered a guys take on this.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are totally over-reacting. 97.9% of males would have forgotten your birthday (yes, I'm making that number up) but it's a minor thing. Forgetting your birthday is reflective of his absent-minded personality, not of his feelings towards you.
Of course, as a woman, you're more likely to remember his birthday, yet a lot less likely to remind him to change the engine oil in his car. What does it have to do with your feelings towards him? NOTHING!
Age: 36
Location: ohio
Question: My boyfriend forgot my birthday. Although it the first time my b-day has happened during our relationship, I at least expected a phone call or Happy Birthday text. But he didn't remember until I reminded him the next day. Several days later I still feel hurt. Am I overreacting? Should I just blow it off? I at least wished him one on his birthday even though it was early on in our relationship.and yes, he definitely knew what day it was too.I just wondered a guys take on this.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are totally over-reacting. 97.9% of males would have forgotten your birthday (yes, I'm making that number up) but it's a minor thing. Forgetting your birthday is reflective of his absent-minded personality, not of his feelings towards you.
Of course, as a woman, you're more likely to remember his birthday, yet a lot less likely to remind him to change the engine oil in his car. What does it have to do with your feelings towards him? NOTHING!
I met this guy at a party the other day
By: Daphne
Age: 20
Location: England
Question: Hi Victor!
I've read a few of your posts where you say a girl shouldn't make the first move on a guy. So I need your help in this situation!
I met this guy at a party the other day, and we talked and flirted quite a bit. However, he did not ask for my number at the end (he is a bit on the geeky side ... maybe a factor??).
Basically, I quite like him, and since I don't tend to fall for many guys, I want to see if this could go anywhere. He is a friend of a friend so I'd be able to get in contact with him easily. I'd also be able to find him on facebook. But if I was to get in contact with him, would it scare him away?
To conclude, I want to know: since he didn't ask for my number, does this mean he isn't interested? What would be the best way to get us talking? And, would it be a good idea for me to make the first move?
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
It's not a good idea for you to make the first move... unless there is no other alternative.
Before taking that step, I suggest you see if you can find ways of getting invited to other parties that he might be going to.
As a last resort, if you get his contact information, contact him about something other than your interest in him. Make up some question, silly as it may be. You don't want to give him certainty about liking him, but it's ok if he gets the hint that you might.
Age: 20
Location: England
Question: Hi Victor!
I've read a few of your posts where you say a girl shouldn't make the first move on a guy. So I need your help in this situation!
I met this guy at a party the other day, and we talked and flirted quite a bit. However, he did not ask for my number at the end (he is a bit on the geeky side ... maybe a factor??).
Basically, I quite like him, and since I don't tend to fall for many guys, I want to see if this could go anywhere. He is a friend of a friend so I'd be able to get in contact with him easily. I'd also be able to find him on facebook. But if I was to get in contact with him, would it scare him away?
To conclude, I want to know: since he didn't ask for my number, does this mean he isn't interested? What would be the best way to get us talking? And, would it be a good idea for me to make the first move?
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
It's not a good idea for you to make the first move... unless there is no other alternative.
Before taking that step, I suggest you see if you can find ways of getting invited to other parties that he might be going to.
As a last resort, if you get his contact information, contact him about something other than your interest in him. Make up some question, silly as it may be. You don't want to give him certainty about liking him, but it's ok if he gets the hint that you might.
boxers and socks
By: Courtney
Age: 27
Location: Florida
Question: If you are seeing a new guy and he stays over for the first time and leaves some things behind, ie. boxers and socks, what does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing. If anything, it means he's a lousy packer.
Age: 27
Location: Florida
Question: If you are seeing a new guy and he stays over for the first time and leaves some things behind, ie. boxers and socks, what does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing. If anything, it means he's a lousy packer.
We hit it off and were both interested in each other
By: Chelsea
Age: 24
Question: About 4 months ago, I agreed to double date a coworker's brother, who was single and I thought was attracted to me. He's 24. We hit it off and were both interested in each other. He told me that he had really strong feelings, and told me that I was what he was waiting for, and that I have so much to offer and he was glad he gets to see it. I knew that I felt a connection and that he was the one as well.
However, he recently started going back to school to get his Master's degree, and has become very busy. His previous girlfriends have walked all over him, and used him, and have broken up with him because he had no time for them (he does work a lot). However, I always respected his work schedule and the fact he had to study. A few days ago, he broke up with me because he felt that I deserved better, and that he no longer wanted a relationship. I know it is not because he is interested in someone else or that he doesn't have feelings for me, because we discussed those at length, plus he gave me roses for Valentine's Day. Both his sister (my coworker), her husband, and his mother all agree he made a big mistake.
My question is: Do you think he is scared of a commitment and/or that I'll leave him down the road? And that if enough people tell him that he made a mistake, he'll eventually realize that he did make a mistake and want to get back together?
VictorM's advice:
How can anyone assume that he made a mistake? That's nuts! It's as if these family members know what his feelings are better than him. That's just nuts!
He didn't make a mistake. He liked you enough in the beginning to give you a good try. And after a while, he's come to realize you're not the one for him. This happens all the time. And that's what dating is all about.
Age: 24
Question: About 4 months ago, I agreed to double date a coworker's brother, who was single and I thought was attracted to me. He's 24. We hit it off and were both interested in each other. He told me that he had really strong feelings, and told me that I was what he was waiting for, and that I have so much to offer and he was glad he gets to see it. I knew that I felt a connection and that he was the one as well.
However, he recently started going back to school to get his Master's degree, and has become very busy. His previous girlfriends have walked all over him, and used him, and have broken up with him because he had no time for them (he does work a lot). However, I always respected his work schedule and the fact he had to study. A few days ago, he broke up with me because he felt that I deserved better, and that he no longer wanted a relationship. I know it is not because he is interested in someone else or that he doesn't have feelings for me, because we discussed those at length, plus he gave me roses for Valentine's Day. Both his sister (my coworker), her husband, and his mother all agree he made a big mistake.
My question is: Do you think he is scared of a commitment and/or that I'll leave him down the road? And that if enough people tell him that he made a mistake, he'll eventually realize that he did make a mistake and want to get back together?
VictorM's advice:
How can anyone assume that he made a mistake? That's nuts! It's as if these family members know what his feelings are better than him. That's just nuts!
He didn't make a mistake. He liked you enough in the beginning to give you a good try. And after a while, he's come to realize you're not the one for him. This happens all the time. And that's what dating is all about.
I was sure Alex liked me.
By: Leah
Age: 13
Location: NC
Question: Hello. Okay so there's this guy (let's call him "Alex") and I've known him since around November or so. I basically liked him right away. For a while, we flirted a lot. He'd put his hands on my thighs and/or legs and hit me playfully, and try to hold my hand & stuff. I was sure Alex liked me. But then he would mention something about having a girlfriend that he'd met over the weekend. I wasn't sure if he told me this because he trusted me enough as a friend or something. When he broke up with his gf, i thought maybe we could go out but next thing i know, he has another one. and he flirts with me no matter if he's taken or not. Now Alex likes my best friend here (let's call her Kate) who he liked last year, before I'd moved here but he won't go out with her cuz he has a gf. One time Alex even said "if they didn't both go to this school, i'd go out with both" Idk if he's trying to sound cool or if he's really a big player. Advice?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think "Alex" is a player; he seems like a very normal and typical boy. Boys like lots of girls all at once. It's all new, all exciting, and you girls all come in different sizes, shapes, colors... and you wear these pretty clothes, and you smell good, so why stick to just one? It doesn't make any sense.
Don't expect Alex to settle with any one girl for years to come. Meanwhile, enjoy his company and have fun.
Age: 13
Location: NC
Question: Hello. Okay so there's this guy (let's call him "Alex") and I've known him since around November or so. I basically liked him right away. For a while, we flirted a lot. He'd put his hands on my thighs and/or legs and hit me playfully, and try to hold my hand & stuff. I was sure Alex liked me. But then he would mention something about having a girlfriend that he'd met over the weekend. I wasn't sure if he told me this because he trusted me enough as a friend or something. When he broke up with his gf, i thought maybe we could go out but next thing i know, he has another one. and he flirts with me no matter if he's taken or not. Now Alex likes my best friend here (let's call her Kate) who he liked last year, before I'd moved here but he won't go out with her cuz he has a gf. One time Alex even said "if they didn't both go to this school, i'd go out with both" Idk if he's trying to sound cool or if he's really a big player. Advice?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think "Alex" is a player; he seems like a very normal and typical boy. Boys like lots of girls all at once. It's all new, all exciting, and you girls all come in different sizes, shapes, colors... and you wear these pretty clothes, and you smell good, so why stick to just one? It doesn't make any sense.
Don't expect Alex to settle with any one girl for years to come. Meanwhile, enjoy his company and have fun.
i have broken the hearts of all my boyfriends
By: Stephie
Age: 20
Location: India
Question: I am a 20 year old girl and have had several boyfriends till now. but never been in love with any of those guys. i had been in love with a guy for 6 long years but we were great friends and when i told him about my feelings he told me that he didn't feel that way about me, but there were times when i had hope because of the way he behaved with me but i was still happy just to be close to him but when he got a girlfriend, he stopped contacting me totally. i was terribly hurt. And i believe i basically hate guys unknowingly and that's why i have broken the hearts of all my boyfriends.
but i want to have a loving relationship and be happy and stable in life. i met this guy last month out of the blue, our families knew each other but we never spoke much since he was an extremely shy guy. but this time i guess he managed to get the courage to approach me. we exchanged numbers and used to chat a lot, even online way into the night. we vibed very well with each other and he has never had a girlfriend. he is 25 and lives 500 miles away. for the first month we kept in touch almost all the time. i even visited him at the place where he lives and he took me out despite his busy schedule. we had a great time together. he even gifted me an expensive perfume. he always used to hint at his feelings for me though he never got the courage to say it openly. i have fallen in love with this guy deeply. but from the last 10 days, we barely keep in touch anymore. whenever i message him, he says he couldn't keep in touch because he is extremely busy with work. but i can't stop thinking about him these days. i wonder if he still feels the same about me? i wonder if he is actually in love with me or did i just misread his signals! i'm unable to concentrate on anything and just wait to hear from him and he never calls or messages these days unless i do!
please help!
P.S. but on valentines day, despite the fact that he was traveling, he kept messaging me the whole day and made me feel special. but the minute it turned Monday, i didn't hear from him at all!
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not in love with you. Guys get smitten and can be overwhelmed with lust, but it takes a long time to develop the bonds of love. He felt smitten by you and his initial interest was genuine, but the 500 miles distance is a killer. Men are more physical than women. We don't do the long distance thing very well. Guys want to touch you, not their keyboards or texting device.
The excuse that the lack of contact is because he's busy is, of course, bogus. It is the classic excuse, but also the best sign that his interest in you has declined.
Age: 20
Location: India
Question: I am a 20 year old girl and have had several boyfriends till now. but never been in love with any of those guys. i had been in love with a guy for 6 long years but we were great friends and when i told him about my feelings he told me that he didn't feel that way about me, but there were times when i had hope because of the way he behaved with me but i was still happy just to be close to him but when he got a girlfriend, he stopped contacting me totally. i was terribly hurt. And i believe i basically hate guys unknowingly and that's why i have broken the hearts of all my boyfriends.
but i want to have a loving relationship and be happy and stable in life. i met this guy last month out of the blue, our families knew each other but we never spoke much since he was an extremely shy guy. but this time i guess he managed to get the courage to approach me. we exchanged numbers and used to chat a lot, even online way into the night. we vibed very well with each other and he has never had a girlfriend. he is 25 and lives 500 miles away. for the first month we kept in touch almost all the time. i even visited him at the place where he lives and he took me out despite his busy schedule. we had a great time together. he even gifted me an expensive perfume. he always used to hint at his feelings for me though he never got the courage to say it openly. i have fallen in love with this guy deeply. but from the last 10 days, we barely keep in touch anymore. whenever i message him, he says he couldn't keep in touch because he is extremely busy with work. but i can't stop thinking about him these days. i wonder if he still feels the same about me? i wonder if he is actually in love with me or did i just misread his signals! i'm unable to concentrate on anything and just wait to hear from him and he never calls or messages these days unless i do!
please help!
P.S. but on valentines day, despite the fact that he was traveling, he kept messaging me the whole day and made me feel special. but the minute it turned Monday, i didn't hear from him at all!
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not in love with you. Guys get smitten and can be overwhelmed with lust, but it takes a long time to develop the bonds of love. He felt smitten by you and his initial interest was genuine, but the 500 miles distance is a killer. Men are more physical than women. We don't do the long distance thing very well. Guys want to touch you, not their keyboards or texting device.
The excuse that the lack of contact is because he's busy is, of course, bogus. It is the classic excuse, but also the best sign that his interest in you has declined.
Monday, February 22, 2010
we almost had sex but I stopped it
By: Nikki
Age: 29
Location: Maryland
Question: I've liked this guy for two years, but never said anything. He has been divorced for a year so I decided to ask him to hangout. We hung out twice, he was very affectionate and said how he had he hoped we could hang out more often after the first date. The second time we almost had sex but I stopped it. After that he became distant. I called twice and he never responded, over vday weekend.When I email him he responded like nothing was wrong but he still has not initiated contact. I'm assuming he is no longer interested and would like to know why. Should I ask him?
VictorM's advice:
Why ask him? It's not like he's going to tell you the truth. Heck, chances are he doesn't even know himself why he lost interest. But if pressed, he'll just make something up to try and minimize hurting you.
Age: 29
Location: Maryland
Question: I've liked this guy for two years, but never said anything. He has been divorced for a year so I decided to ask him to hangout. We hung out twice, he was very affectionate and said how he had he hoped we could hang out more often after the first date. The second time we almost had sex but I stopped it. After that he became distant. I called twice and he never responded, over vday weekend.When I email him he responded like nothing was wrong but he still has not initiated contact. I'm assuming he is no longer interested and would like to know why. Should I ask him?
VictorM's advice:
Why ask him? It's not like he's going to tell you the truth. Heck, chances are he doesn't even know himself why he lost interest. But if pressed, he'll just make something up to try and minimize hurting you.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I think he is scared of a relationship
For Ragu:
I think I'll skip posting you submission, but I'll make these comments:
You said: "To be honest I think he is scared of a relationship." That is probably true of most boys around your age. Keep that in mind.
About the note that got Tomato in trouble... I don't know what it said, but sometimes boys do stupid things because of peer pressure. Maybe he just thought it was funny or that no one would read it.
But you running hot and cold for certain boys is also natural.
PS. Keep your stories coming... you're entertaining. :)
I think I'll skip posting you submission, but I'll make these comments:
You said: "To be honest I think he is scared of a relationship." That is probably true of most boys around your age. Keep that in mind.
About the note that got Tomato in trouble... I don't know what it said, but sometimes boys do stupid things because of peer pressure. Maybe he just thought it was funny or that no one would read it.
But you running hot and cold for certain boys is also natural.
PS. Keep your stories coming... you're entertaining. :)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
He wrote his number on a box
By: Diane
Age: 17
Location: Cumbria
Question: I was having general chat with this guy last week at work. he's really nice and it went well and he came in again today. He wrote his number on a box knowing i was going to clean it away, was it meant for me or have i thought too far ahead, if it was what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
You do nothing. If he's interested, he better work harder for your attention.
Age: 17
Location: Cumbria
Question: I was having general chat with this guy last week at work. he's really nice and it went well and he came in again today. He wrote his number on a box knowing i was going to clean it away, was it meant for me or have i thought too far ahead, if it was what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
You do nothing. If he's interested, he better work harder for your attention.
out for pizza
By: cynthia
Age: 24
Location: florida
Question: what does it mean when a girl asks a married guy out for pizza?
VictorM's advice:
That she's hungry.
You know, sometimes a pizza is just a pizza.
Age: 24
Location: florida
Question: what does it mean when a girl asks a married guy out for pizza?
VictorM's advice:
That she's hungry.
You know, sometimes a pizza is just a pizza.
I want to be friends
By: Emma
Age: 17
Location: NY
Question: hey there,
I'm just going to ask you something really quick. how do I start talking to a guy that I want to be friends without making him think I want to be in a relationship?
This guy seems very interesting and i want to be friends with him. i only have his screename and he's friends with me on myspace.
I barely see him in person, we go to different schools. I'm still in high school and he is a college freshman.
thanks
VictorM's advice:
Use the online contact to start longer conversations, primarily about topics he's very passionate about. If you don't know what those are, you can start with saying you're starting to think about colleges and since he's already gone through that phase, if he can help you. Guys LOVE to help girls. Ask him about what it's like, how different from high school, dorms, making new friends, parties, sports, etc.
As you find topics he loves, for example music, you can ask more questions about that. Any questions that allow him to show off his knowledge, endears you more to him.
If you live close by, you can also tell him when you're going to see a movie (mention the time and theater) and if he's there, to say hello to you, or, tell him when you'll be at a public place. This way, you give him clues that might allow him to see you without you having to ask him out. He may then start doing the same thing.
Age: 17
Location: NY
Question: hey there,
I'm just going to ask you something really quick. how do I start talking to a guy that I want to be friends without making him think I want to be in a relationship?
This guy seems very interesting and i want to be friends with him. i only have his screename and he's friends with me on myspace.
I barely see him in person, we go to different schools. I'm still in high school and he is a college freshman.
thanks
VictorM's advice:
Use the online contact to start longer conversations, primarily about topics he's very passionate about. If you don't know what those are, you can start with saying you're starting to think about colleges and since he's already gone through that phase, if he can help you. Guys LOVE to help girls. Ask him about what it's like, how different from high school, dorms, making new friends, parties, sports, etc.
As you find topics he loves, for example music, you can ask more questions about that. Any questions that allow him to show off his knowledge, endears you more to him.
If you live close by, you can also tell him when you're going to see a movie (mention the time and theater) and if he's there, to say hello to you, or, tell him when you'll be at a public place. This way, you give him clues that might allow him to see you without you having to ask him out. He may then start doing the same thing.
I didn't receive my first kiss until last month
By: Kaylee
Age: 21
Location: Iowa
Question: I'm a VERY inexperienced 21 year old. I didn't receive my first kiss until last month. Now I'm kinda hangin out with this 24 year old guy who's just getting out of a 3 year relationship. I want to date this guy. Very badly. We watch movies at his house and we make out for a few hours. Each time we go a little further. Now because I'm new to this I find it freakin awesome. But my question is, how far is too far? I mean how far is too far for him to consider dating me? A guy once told me that if a girl slept with him too fast they would never have a future, is this the same with making out? Thanks =)
VictorM's advice:
My boiler plate answer on this site is this: if you do girlfriend-like things (sex, making out) with a boy who is not your boyfriend, you'll get screwed.
Boys love tramps, easy girls, bimbos (whatever term you want to use) for "throw away" relationships. They want the opposite for serious, lasting relationships. In essence, how willing you are to share your body before there is a commitment, helps determine what category you'll be filled under.
Age: 21
Location: Iowa
Question: I'm a VERY inexperienced 21 year old. I didn't receive my first kiss until last month. Now I'm kinda hangin out with this 24 year old guy who's just getting out of a 3 year relationship. I want to date this guy. Very badly. We watch movies at his house and we make out for a few hours. Each time we go a little further. Now because I'm new to this I find it freakin awesome. But my question is, how far is too far? I mean how far is too far for him to consider dating me? A guy once told me that if a girl slept with him too fast they would never have a future, is this the same with making out? Thanks =)
VictorM's advice:
My boiler plate answer on this site is this: if you do girlfriend-like things (sex, making out) with a boy who is not your boyfriend, you'll get screwed.
Boys love tramps, easy girls, bimbos (whatever term you want to use) for "throw away" relationships. They want the opposite for serious, lasting relationships. In essence, how willing you are to share your body before there is a commitment, helps determine what category you'll be filled under.
He took my virginity and we had sex constantly
By: Christy
Age: 28
Location: FL.
Question: Victor, please help. I'm not sure if I should move on. I have been seeing this guy for over 2 years. I started at 25 and was a virgin. He took my virginity and we had sex constantly for about 1 year and a half.He had sex with about 5 girls before me..we are same age.for the past 5 months..nothing..all he wants to do is cuddle..we've been off and on..and now he says we aren't dating..but when i talk about seeing other guys he says I'm cheating..I have no doubt he cares, but he has somewhat gone off with other girls because he told me he wants to fall in love and that i'm a hard person to be with but the reason he is still seeing me is he hopes I change (i'm not hard).and he does likes me.but i got nothing for vday and my birthday is in a few days and i'm afraid he wont get me anything..btw he's not a kisser..he said hes never been so we haven't been kissing either..just cuddling..i'm getting frustrated..i'll be 28 and I need more..not a lot of time to play around..do you think I should wait it out? I mean i spent christmas with his family 8 hrs away..idk what to do.I'm attractive..guys hit on me all the time. but my self esteem is suffering bc he doesn't want me it seems..he says he does have interest in me. how long do I wait? please help!
VictorM's advice:
When I read questions I look for certain things that are blatant clues. Few are as blatant as "we've been off and on." What that really means is you have nothing but a sick dependence. There is nothing healthy left when a couple reaches that "off and on" stage, in particular when it's followed by absence of sex. Why does he hold on? As I said, sick dependence.
The other bad clue is his desire for you to change. That spells control, close-mindedness, egotism, and so many other just plain negative characteristics.
It's way past the time you moved on, and if you can muster the strength, do it now!
Don't be fooled by the notion that "he cares." I'm sure he does, but some people, love, or like, or care for others in very unhealthy ways. And that's the case here.
But one correction to what you said: he didn't take your virginity; you gave it up yourself. This is an important point because you must understand that you're on control of your life. You were in control back then when you chose to have sex with him for the first time, and you are in control now if you decide to move on. It's your life, not his!
Age: 28
Location: FL.
Question: Victor, please help. I'm not sure if I should move on. I have been seeing this guy for over 2 years. I started at 25 and was a virgin. He took my virginity and we had sex constantly for about 1 year and a half.He had sex with about 5 girls before me..we are same age.for the past 5 months..nothing..all he wants to do is cuddle..we've been off and on..and now he says we aren't dating..but when i talk about seeing other guys he says I'm cheating..I have no doubt he cares, but he has somewhat gone off with other girls because he told me he wants to fall in love and that i'm a hard person to be with but the reason he is still seeing me is he hopes I change (i'm not hard).and he does likes me.but i got nothing for vday and my birthday is in a few days and i'm afraid he wont get me anything..btw he's not a kisser..he said hes never been so we haven't been kissing either..just cuddling..i'm getting frustrated..i'll be 28 and I need more..not a lot of time to play around..do you think I should wait it out? I mean i spent christmas with his family 8 hrs away..idk what to do.I'm attractive..guys hit on me all the time. but my self esteem is suffering bc he doesn't want me it seems..he says he does have interest in me. how long do I wait? please help!
VictorM's advice:
When I read questions I look for certain things that are blatant clues. Few are as blatant as "we've been off and on." What that really means is you have nothing but a sick dependence. There is nothing healthy left when a couple reaches that "off and on" stage, in particular when it's followed by absence of sex. Why does he hold on? As I said, sick dependence.
The other bad clue is his desire for you to change. That spells control, close-mindedness, egotism, and so many other just plain negative characteristics.
It's way past the time you moved on, and if you can muster the strength, do it now!
Don't be fooled by the notion that "he cares." I'm sure he does, but some people, love, or like, or care for others in very unhealthy ways. And that's the case here.
But one correction to what you said: he didn't take your virginity; you gave it up yourself. This is an important point because you must understand that you're on control of your life. You were in control back then when you chose to have sex with him for the first time, and you are in control now if you decide to move on. It's your life, not his!
i do not like the fact that he smokes cigarettes
By: andrea
Age: 17
Location: 76114
Question: Ok i have a great relationship with my boyfriend other than i do not like the fact that he smokes cigarettes. I do not know what to do to get over this. we always argue because of this. and for some reason we only argue when we aren't together. i mean he doesn't smoke around me because i don't like it but he waits till i go home or before i come over and he says that when we get a house and live together that he might quit he doesn't know. just please give me some advice.
VictorM's advice:
As the saying goes: kissing a smoker is like licking a dirty ashtray. I don't blame you for being upset that he smokes, but I really don't know what to tell you.
The time for him to quit is NOW, not when he gets a house, or some other marker down the road because that just means he doesn't have the will to quit. But how to get that across to him? I don't know.
Sorry, Andrea, you have my sympathy. Smoking is a nasty habit, but I have no words of wisdom to help you deal with it.
Anyone else have some suggestions for Andrea? If so, please use the Visitor Comments section below.
Age: 17
Location: 76114
Question: Ok i have a great relationship with my boyfriend other than i do not like the fact that he smokes cigarettes. I do not know what to do to get over this. we always argue because of this. and for some reason we only argue when we aren't together. i mean he doesn't smoke around me because i don't like it but he waits till i go home or before i come over and he says that when we get a house and live together that he might quit he doesn't know. just please give me some advice.
VictorM's advice:
As the saying goes: kissing a smoker is like licking a dirty ashtray. I don't blame you for being upset that he smokes, but I really don't know what to tell you.
The time for him to quit is NOW, not when he gets a house, or some other marker down the road because that just means he doesn't have the will to quit. But how to get that across to him? I don't know.
Sorry, Andrea, you have my sympathy. Smoking is a nasty habit, but I have no words of wisdom to help you deal with it.
Anyone else have some suggestions for Andrea? If so, please use the Visitor Comments section below.
I met a guy about a month ago
By: Rachel
Age: 19
Location: Scotland
Question: Hi.
I met a guy about a month ago, i really liked him had a lot in common, every time we would meet it was in a club or out with friends, the last time i saw him he kissed another girl and when i asked him about it he said it was his ex but that it was a mistake and he liked me, i let it go because it wasn't like we were together or anything. He asked to go out to the cinema or do something on Wednesday and i said yes but then he had to do loads of stuff for college and that so he said we would do it Friday and i said that's fine i had stuff to do as well, but now i haven't heard from him and i don't know why its annoying me but i have this sick feeling in my stomach as if he isn't going to call at all. Am i right? do i just leave it, i called him earlier and he never answered but my numbers withheld do i call him tomorrow? or just leave it.
VictorM's advice:
You girls need to learn that lack of communication from a guy is a form of communication -- it says he's not interested and doesn't even think you're worth taking the time to explain.
Don't let flirting, particularly at a club, mean anything -- it doesn't.
Age: 19
Location: Scotland
Question: Hi.
I met a guy about a month ago, i really liked him had a lot in common, every time we would meet it was in a club or out with friends, the last time i saw him he kissed another girl and when i asked him about it he said it was his ex but that it was a mistake and he liked me, i let it go because it wasn't like we were together or anything. He asked to go out to the cinema or do something on Wednesday and i said yes but then he had to do loads of stuff for college and that so he said we would do it Friday and i said that's fine i had stuff to do as well, but now i haven't heard from him and i don't know why its annoying me but i have this sick feeling in my stomach as if he isn't going to call at all. Am i right? do i just leave it, i called him earlier and he never answered but my numbers withheld do i call him tomorrow? or just leave it.
VictorM's advice:
You girls need to learn that lack of communication from a guy is a form of communication -- it says he's not interested and doesn't even think you're worth taking the time to explain.
Don't let flirting, particularly at a club, mean anything -- it doesn't.
I am attracted to this cop and he to me
By: Tara
Age: 45
Location: NY
Question: I am attracted to this cop and he to me. However, we only see each other at his post and there is never an opportunity for him to ask me out or for me to ask him. There is an obvious attraction as he goes out of his way for me to notice him. How do I move this along?
VictorM's advice:
You are attracted to him, but all you can say about him is that he finds you attractive, and that's not the same as saying he's attracted to you. Guys love to look at attractive women. Most of the times, admiring form a distance is all we want to do. If he wants more, he'll make a move, otherwise, you're just one of the many, many women he looks at to pass the day.
Do you even know if he's married or attached?
But if you want to take some initiative, find out his name and start greeting him by name. And smile.
Age: 45
Location: NY
Question: I am attracted to this cop and he to me. However, we only see each other at his post and there is never an opportunity for him to ask me out or for me to ask him. There is an obvious attraction as he goes out of his way for me to notice him. How do I move this along?
VictorM's advice:
You are attracted to him, but all you can say about him is that he finds you attractive, and that's not the same as saying he's attracted to you. Guys love to look at attractive women. Most of the times, admiring form a distance is all we want to do. If he wants more, he'll make a move, otherwise, you're just one of the many, many women he looks at to pass the day.
Do you even know if he's married or attached?
But if you want to take some initiative, find out his name and start greeting him by name. And smile.
I've never been in a relationship
By: Steph
Age: 15
Location: Az
Question: First off, I've never been in a relationship. But recently I've been talking to this guy. I'll admit we started talking over myspace and moved to texting and now we've been meeting at school. He's already expressed his interest in me and says that its hard to find girls that interest him around school, and i've said the same.
But I've been told this guy is a "whore". I've thought about this and i'm not sure what to do. I don't know if he's really interested in me or not. Or maybe even if this girl has a problem with him. She says she doesn't want me to "get my heart broken."
So what should I do? Do I still keep my interest in him and make a relationship out of it? I just don't want to be caught in a faulty first relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Don't listen to rumors. Keep your eyes open and pay attention to his actions towards you, not his words. Don't do anything until you're ready. Don't give in to pressure.
But also, don't worry so much about the first relationship. Come on, this is hardly the guy you're going to marry and have children with. Chances are there will be dozens more boyfriends in your life. If you put too much emphasizes on any relationship being perfect, you miss out on much of the fun. For now, just try to have fun.
Age: 15
Location: Az
Question: First off, I've never been in a relationship. But recently I've been talking to this guy. I'll admit we started talking over myspace and moved to texting and now we've been meeting at school. He's already expressed his interest in me and says that its hard to find girls that interest him around school, and i've said the same.
But I've been told this guy is a "whore". I've thought about this and i'm not sure what to do. I don't know if he's really interested in me or not. Or maybe even if this girl has a problem with him. She says she doesn't want me to "get my heart broken."
So what should I do? Do I still keep my interest in him and make a relationship out of it? I just don't want to be caught in a faulty first relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Don't listen to rumors. Keep your eyes open and pay attention to his actions towards you, not his words. Don't do anything until you're ready. Don't give in to pressure.
But also, don't worry so much about the first relationship. Come on, this is hardly the guy you're going to marry and have children with. Chances are there will be dozens more boyfriends in your life. If you put too much emphasizes on any relationship being perfect, you miss out on much of the fun. For now, just try to have fun.
stuck in the "friend zone"
By: Janelle
Age: 21
Location: Ohio
Question: I am really good friends with a guy and we have been friends for about 3 years now. We hang out on an almost-daily basis and we are both single. But, I feel like I am forever stuck in the "friend zone". Do you think there's any chance of changing that? How would I start? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Don't say anything to him about wanting to change your relationship, but get out of the "friend zone" by treating him more like you would a date: when you go out with him, dress more sexy, wear make-up and perfume, stand a little closer to him that you do now, hold your eye contact with him a little longer, touch his wrist or arm when you make a point, don't talk to him about other guys and if he talks about other girls, tell him you're not interested. Also, try to arrange outings just between you and him.
Age: 21
Location: Ohio
Question: I am really good friends with a guy and we have been friends for about 3 years now. We hang out on an almost-daily basis and we are both single. But, I feel like I am forever stuck in the "friend zone". Do you think there's any chance of changing that? How would I start? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Don't say anything to him about wanting to change your relationship, but get out of the "friend zone" by treating him more like you would a date: when you go out with him, dress more sexy, wear make-up and perfume, stand a little closer to him that you do now, hold your eye contact with him a little longer, touch his wrist or arm when you make a point, don't talk to him about other guys and if he talks about other girls, tell him you're not interested. Also, try to arrange outings just between you and him.
I really like this guy who lives in PA
By: What to do..
Age: 28
Location: NY
Question: I really like this guy who lives in PA... we've been best friends for years. Every once in a while, he drops clues that he might like me, but that's it. I don't know if i should tell him i like him or just wait. We're supposed to be meeting for about a week sometime soon and ever since we started talking about it, he's left little hearts and roses in his e-mails. What do i do???
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him you like him. Whatever you do, do NOT tell him that.
Wait for him to make his move. Give him time to work his magic on you.
Age: 28
Location: NY
Question: I really like this guy who lives in PA... we've been best friends for years. Every once in a while, he drops clues that he might like me, but that's it. I don't know if i should tell him i like him or just wait. We're supposed to be meeting for about a week sometime soon and ever since we started talking about it, he's left little hearts and roses in his e-mails. What do i do???
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him you like him. Whatever you do, do NOT tell him that.
Wait for him to make his move. Give him time to work his magic on you.
I did not like her at first
By: Mike BD
Age: 14
Location: NJ
Question: I went to this camp a couple of years ago and I met a girl. I did not like her at first but I grew into it and I really really liked her. After camp, I wanted to stay in touch and I was afraid that we wouldn't be as close, so I started writing a lot of things to her on line and I think I may have annoyed her. We were pretty close and she said she used to kind of like me, but I am not sure she was telling the truth. She said this before She got angry with me. After I wrote all of those e-mails. She didn't answer, and I kept on bugging her asking what was wrong and why she wasn't answering, she told me to stop doing this and that she needs some time. So I wasn't emailing her for a while and then I started being friendly with her again, and she said she wasn't mad at me anymore. But she wasn't really answering my e-mails and I didn't write them as often because I realized I had been too clingy. So I tried being cool and writing here and there, but she does not answer me. The only time she did was on my birthday. Than I went to Israel which is where she lives and tried getting in contact with her so that we can meet, but she was ignoring my e-mails. So I tried forgetting about her but I can't get her out of my mind. I don't think about her ALL OF THE TIME but a lot. Now it is February and I haven't write to her since the summer. I don't know if I should write to her and what to say if I do. I really want to stay in contact but I can't and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Well, I'm going to ask the female readers to give you some advice. They'll have a better sense of what the girl might be thinking than I do.
But I'll say this: dude, you live in NJ, the state with the most beautiful girls in the world. Focus at home. Focus.
Age: 14
Location: NJ
Question: I went to this camp a couple of years ago and I met a girl. I did not like her at first but I grew into it and I really really liked her. After camp, I wanted to stay in touch and I was afraid that we wouldn't be as close, so I started writing a lot of things to her on line and I think I may have annoyed her. We were pretty close and she said she used to kind of like me, but I am not sure she was telling the truth. She said this before She got angry with me. After I wrote all of those e-mails. She didn't answer, and I kept on bugging her asking what was wrong and why she wasn't answering, she told me to stop doing this and that she needs some time. So I wasn't emailing her for a while and then I started being friendly with her again, and she said she wasn't mad at me anymore. But she wasn't really answering my e-mails and I didn't write them as often because I realized I had been too clingy. So I tried being cool and writing here and there, but she does not answer me. The only time she did was on my birthday. Than I went to Israel which is where she lives and tried getting in contact with her so that we can meet, but she was ignoring my e-mails. So I tried forgetting about her but I can't get her out of my mind. I don't think about her ALL OF THE TIME but a lot. Now it is February and I haven't write to her since the summer. I don't know if I should write to her and what to say if I do. I really want to stay in contact but I can't and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Well, I'm going to ask the female readers to give you some advice. They'll have a better sense of what the girl might be thinking than I do.
But I'll say this: dude, you live in NJ, the state with the most beautiful girls in the world. Focus at home. Focus.
He picks his nose and then licks his fingers
By: Melissa Gish
Age: 25
Location: Carlsbad, NM
Question: I’ve been with my guy for four years, long-distance for three of them, and engaged for two. Now we are living together. I’ve noticed he has what I consider to be the most disgusting habit I’ve ever encountered in a grown man (he’s 25). He picks his nose and then licks his fingers. This seems to be a habit he does without thinking, while watching TV or reading, and he doesn’t try to hide it from me (perhaps he did in the past, which is why I’ve just recently noticed it) because he does it so casually. The problem, aside from the hygiene issue, is that I’ve found that it’s made me avoid kissing him lately. I sort of equate it with a dog that cleans itself and then wants to lick your mouth—yucch! One time I got a “crumb” off his tongue, which sent me over the edge—I had to run to the bathroom to brush my teeth and tongue (and I think I went through about eight ounces of Listerine)—and he had no idea why I behaved as I did. I don’t want to hurt his feelings—he’s quite sensitive, so I always try to avoid criticizing him for things. It really is a big deal to me, though, because I’m a rather finicky person (yes, my problem, I know), but if we are to have a lifelong relationship, I don’t want an annoyance today to turn into any sort of resentment tomorrow. How can I approach this, letting him know that it’s a major turn-off, without making it sound like a personal attack?
VictorM's advice:
Oh my... this question had me laughing out loud, specially the part about the "crumb." Ouch!
Well, I don't think you're being finicky by objecting to this. I can also understand where this could be a sensitive thing to bring up.
So, I'll first suggest that you mention to him that you were at a restaurant, or bus stop, or whatever, and that you saw a man do basically what you see your guy do, and that you felt to grossed out. Maybe he'll get more self-conscious about doing that around you after he sees how repulsed you are by it.
But, if this doesn't work, I have to tell you, sensitive or not, this is something you have to nip in thebutt bud very soon. Not only is it a nasty habit, but I can tell you that the more comfortable he gets in the relationship, the worst the habit will manifest itself. You may have to sit down with him and tell him straight on that you don't like it at all. Don't let this drag on too long.
Age: 25
Location: Carlsbad, NM
Question: I’ve been with my guy for four years, long-distance for three of them, and engaged for two. Now we are living together. I’ve noticed he has what I consider to be the most disgusting habit I’ve ever encountered in a grown man (he’s 25). He picks his nose and then licks his fingers. This seems to be a habit he does without thinking, while watching TV or reading, and he doesn’t try to hide it from me (perhaps he did in the past, which is why I’ve just recently noticed it) because he does it so casually. The problem, aside from the hygiene issue, is that I’ve found that it’s made me avoid kissing him lately. I sort of equate it with a dog that cleans itself and then wants to lick your mouth—yucch! One time I got a “crumb” off his tongue, which sent me over the edge—I had to run to the bathroom to brush my teeth and tongue (and I think I went through about eight ounces of Listerine)—and he had no idea why I behaved as I did. I don’t want to hurt his feelings—he’s quite sensitive, so I always try to avoid criticizing him for things. It really is a big deal to me, though, because I’m a rather finicky person (yes, my problem, I know), but if we are to have a lifelong relationship, I don’t want an annoyance today to turn into any sort of resentment tomorrow. How can I approach this, letting him know that it’s a major turn-off, without making it sound like a personal attack?
VictorM's advice:
Oh my... this question had me laughing out loud, specially the part about the "crumb." Ouch!
Well, I don't think you're being finicky by objecting to this. I can also understand where this could be a sensitive thing to bring up.
So, I'll first suggest that you mention to him that you were at a restaurant, or bus stop, or whatever, and that you saw a man do basically what you see your guy do, and that you felt to grossed out. Maybe he'll get more self-conscious about doing that around you after he sees how repulsed you are by it.
But, if this doesn't work, I have to tell you, sensitive or not, this is something you have to nip in the
I left his home while he was asleep in bed
By: Marlena
Age: 29
Location: Oregon
Question: I had to leave early in the morning, and I fell asleep at my boyfriend's house. I left his home while he was asleep in bed. I sent him a text in the morning saying why I had to leave. We haven't spoke in a few days. Was what I did wrong? If so, can I make it up?
VictorM's advice:
If he expected you to wake him and you didn't, and he's not contacting you because of this, he's an idiot.
Either way, if he's upset about something, he'll get over it and contact you in a few days. Chances are he already called you. Am I right?
Age: 29
Location: Oregon
Question: I had to leave early in the morning, and I fell asleep at my boyfriend's house. I left his home while he was asleep in bed. I sent him a text in the morning saying why I had to leave. We haven't spoke in a few days. Was what I did wrong? If so, can I make it up?
VictorM's advice:
If he expected you to wake him and you didn't, and he's not contacting you because of this, he's an idiot.
Either way, if he's upset about something, he'll get over it and contact you in a few days. Chances are he already called you. Am I right?
I made a mistake and paying the price, big time
By: Susi
Age: 34
Location: California
Question: Hi, I made a mistake and paying the price, big time. I texted my man an angry text because he was late getting home and didn't call me to tell me he would be late. I was upset and expressed it in my text. When he came home, he yelled at me and is now ignoring me. If I make a mistake (which I apologized for flying off the handle already), he will ignore me for days and up to a week to pay me back for upsetting him. What can I do to end this vicious cycle? I realize I need to control my temper and will try to not to send an angry text again. But what can I do in the meantime to get him out of the silent treatment mode. It's so stressful and so much work ignoring and staying on one side of the house for days at a time. He even sleeps in the spare room to continue to punish me.
VictorM's advice:
Stop apologizing and cry. Fake it if you have to. I'm serious. Cry, tell him you're so hurt by him, you feel so and so hurt.
Practice your acting skills because you're going to need them as long as you go out with this child.
Yes, a child. That's what happens when he gets offended. He reverts to the wounded child within. And wounded children have the need to make the source of their pain suffer, hence the silent treatment. The sooner you acknowledge that you're hurting, the sooner he feels satisfied and the sooner he'll get over his boo-boo. Then you have have wild makeup sex.
And most guys are like this, so rather than bothering trying to find a better one. Just learn how to act being hurt.
Age: 34
Location: California
Question: Hi, I made a mistake and paying the price, big time. I texted my man an angry text because he was late getting home and didn't call me to tell me he would be late. I was upset and expressed it in my text. When he came home, he yelled at me and is now ignoring me. If I make a mistake (which I apologized for flying off the handle already), he will ignore me for days and up to a week to pay me back for upsetting him. What can I do to end this vicious cycle? I realize I need to control my temper and will try to not to send an angry text again. But what can I do in the meantime to get him out of the silent treatment mode. It's so stressful and so much work ignoring and staying on one side of the house for days at a time. He even sleeps in the spare room to continue to punish me.
VictorM's advice:
Stop apologizing and cry. Fake it if you have to. I'm serious. Cry, tell him you're so hurt by him, you feel so and so hurt.
Practice your acting skills because you're going to need them as long as you go out with this child.
Yes, a child. That's what happens when he gets offended. He reverts to the wounded child within. And wounded children have the need to make the source of their pain suffer, hence the silent treatment. The sooner you acknowledge that you're hurting, the sooner he feels satisfied and the sooner he'll get over his boo-boo. Then you have have wild makeup sex.
And most guys are like this, so rather than bothering trying to find a better one. Just learn how to act being hurt.
kindergartners who pull your hair and call you names
By: Kitty
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Hey Victor! I'm back. Again (:
So, I got another question for you, but I think to explain I have to tell you what happened. Well,Siberian ended up going out with another one of my friends (not the original one). But he only knew her for a day, so I'm guessing he was just desperate.
Sphynx started talking to me A LOT more, but he's kinda been acting like those kindergartners who pull your hair and call you names. Like, that's exactly what he's been doing. Is that because he's just trying to get attention?
Well, by chance I had to take notes on a book with Bobcat in english. We were talking and seem to be really hitting it off. A guy from across the room, one of his friends, who we'll call Tabby, started telling Riley to stop hitting on me, but it was in a joking matter. Then after a few minutes of them talking about that, I was in a joking mood and said to Tabby, "I think you're just jealous." Or something like that. But then he said "Who wouldn't be? You're Kitty!" Bobcat gave me a piece of gum later and Tabby said he was trying to win my love. But then I got home, and you know those little relationship statuses that EVERYONE hates? Well, yep. Riley was dating some other girl. I didn't even know they talked. Well two questions. What happened will Bobcat? I thought we kinda had something. And what Tabby was doing, did that mean anything or was it just flirting?
Thanks!!!
VictorM's advice:
I'm confused... is Riley the same as Bobcat?
Doesn't matter! I think they all love you, Kitty. :)
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Hey Victor! I'm back. Again (:
So, I got another question for you, but I think to explain I have to tell you what happened. Well,Siberian ended up going out with another one of my friends (not the original one). But he only knew her for a day, so I'm guessing he was just desperate.
Sphynx started talking to me A LOT more, but he's kinda been acting like those kindergartners who pull your hair and call you names. Like, that's exactly what he's been doing. Is that because he's just trying to get attention?
Well, by chance I had to take notes on a book with Bobcat in english. We were talking and seem to be really hitting it off. A guy from across the room, one of his friends, who we'll call Tabby, started telling Riley to stop hitting on me, but it was in a joking matter. Then after a few minutes of them talking about that, I was in a joking mood and said to Tabby, "I think you're just jealous." Or something like that. But then he said "Who wouldn't be? You're Kitty!" Bobcat gave me a piece of gum later and Tabby said he was trying to win my love. But then I got home, and you know those little relationship statuses that EVERYONE hates? Well, yep. Riley was dating some other girl. I didn't even know they talked. Well two questions. What happened will Bobcat? I thought we kinda had something. And what Tabby was doing, did that mean anything or was it just flirting?
Thanks!!!
VictorM's advice:
I'm confused... is Riley the same as Bobcat?
Doesn't matter! I think they all love you, Kitty. :)
it only lasted a week
By: Tanya
Age: 14
Location: New York
Question: There's his guy that I used to like that I'm pretty good friends with. He used to like my best friend, but it only lasted a week. I was pretty sure I was over him until the other day. He texted me for 2 hours straight and I got to know him even better. Then today when I sprained my ankle I wasn't sure what to do so I texted him and he walked me through everything. He said he was so worried about me. He always walks me out to the bus and sometimes sits with me at lunch. My friends keep telling me he likes me but is he really into me?
VictorM's advice:
Oh he likes you, but that's not enough to tell if he likes you enough.
Don't listen to your friends; more often than not, they're wrong about these things.
He sounds like a nice enough kid. You should try to develop a stronger bond with him and see where it goes without rushing.
Age: 14
Location: New York
Question: There's his guy that I used to like that I'm pretty good friends with. He used to like my best friend, but it only lasted a week. I was pretty sure I was over him until the other day. He texted me for 2 hours straight and I got to know him even better. Then today when I sprained my ankle I wasn't sure what to do so I texted him and he walked me through everything. He said he was so worried about me. He always walks me out to the bus and sometimes sits with me at lunch. My friends keep telling me he likes me but is he really into me?
VictorM's advice:
Oh he likes you, but that's not enough to tell if he likes you enough.
Don't listen to your friends; more often than not, they're wrong about these things.
He sounds like a nice enough kid. You should try to develop a stronger bond with him and see where it goes without rushing.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 years
By: Katherine
Age: 24
Location: Oklahoma
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 years. We started dating right before we graduated from high school and all through college. We went to 2 different schools and still made it work long distance. We have now graduated from college and are living in the same city. We talk about getting married but he still hasn't asked. Am I getting my hopes up if she hasn't asked after 6 years or do I just need to continue being patient?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think the length of time has as much to do with it as him feeling he's not ready. And for guys, being ready tends to do with financial security. Until he gets a job he feels secure in, pays off some loans (if he has them), or saving a certain amount, etc. he may not be thinking marriage for a while. Besides, at 24, that's not such a big surprise -- couples are getting married at older ages more and more.
Age: 24
Location: Oklahoma
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 years. We started dating right before we graduated from high school and all through college. We went to 2 different schools and still made it work long distance. We have now graduated from college and are living in the same city. We talk about getting married but he still hasn't asked. Am I getting my hopes up if she hasn't asked after 6 years or do I just need to continue being patient?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think the length of time has as much to do with it as him feeling he's not ready. And for guys, being ready tends to do with financial security. Until he gets a job he feels secure in, pays off some loans (if he has them), or saving a certain amount, etc. he may not be thinking marriage for a while. Besides, at 24, that's not such a big surprise -- couples are getting married at older ages more and more.
Did he just make fun of me?
By: Julie
Age: 25
Location: mo
Question: There's a guy i work with in the restaurant for 2 years. I kinda like him too. Before he married, he asks for my phone number and ask me to hangout with him so many times, see movie , have dinner and playing sports with him and his friends but i never go anywhere with him.He's always talk about my personal issues(dating relationship).Every time he saw me, he will joke at me so many things. Now he married and i feel like his action is still the same. Did he just make fun of me? Why did he do this?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's making fun of you. Guys often do that sorta of thing to feel better about themselves, like they can still be charming and get a pretty girl's attention. He's doing it for himself, not for you.
Age: 25
Location: mo
Question: There's a guy i work with in the restaurant for 2 years. I kinda like him too. Before he married, he asks for my phone number and ask me to hangout with him so many times, see movie , have dinner and playing sports with him and his friends but i never go anywhere with him.He's always talk about my personal issues(dating relationship).Every time he saw me, he will joke at me so many things. Now he married and i feel like his action is still the same. Did he just make fun of me? Why did he do this?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's making fun of you. Guys often do that sorta of thing to feel better about themselves, like they can still be charming and get a pretty girl's attention. He's doing it for himself, not for you.
he wanted to take me in the back of the bowling alley
By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello Mr. V,
I'm friends with his guy and I liked him, but then go over it. Two weeks ago, I messaged him on myspace and we started talking on there (have a normal convo.) Last week, he texted me at the beginning of school and we stopped, later that day, he texted me again by asking me to send him a picture. To sum up the convo, according to him, when he saw me at our bowling game (I bowl for colonial, he bowl for oak ridge), he told me that he wanted to take me in the back of the bowling alley and work with me, I asked him why he didn't and he told me that he saw that I was busy. He also told me that he wanted to hang out one day. The next day, I didn't text him at all because I wanted to give him space and not bother him, but then the day after that, he texted me at around 9:30 a.m. saying hi, but I assumed that he just texted me because he was bored. Then one day, we were texting and he asked me what I did all day which was weird because he knew I was in school. Also that same night, I told him that I was hyper and he said he wanted to see me hyper...I sorta assume he said that because he never seen me hyper and outgoing as much. I sorta had the feeling that he liked me, but i'm not sure because when I text him now, it's only small talk, but I know that he works and goes to church but I don't know if he just said all of that at that moment or if it means something because he is sort of a flirt...
I'm not really worried if he likes me or not, but it would be nice to know if he did so my mind wouldn't go all crazy and make assumptions that may be wrong. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. He's giving you every hint possible that he'd like to spend time with you.
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello Mr. V,
I'm friends with his guy and I liked him, but then go over it. Two weeks ago, I messaged him on myspace and we started talking on there (have a normal convo.) Last week, he texted me at the beginning of school and we stopped, later that day, he texted me again by asking me to send him a picture. To sum up the convo, according to him, when he saw me at our bowling game (I bowl for colonial, he bowl for oak ridge), he told me that he wanted to take me in the back of the bowling alley and work with me, I asked him why he didn't and he told me that he saw that I was busy. He also told me that he wanted to hang out one day. The next day, I didn't text him at all because I wanted to give him space and not bother him, but then the day after that, he texted me at around 9:30 a.m. saying hi, but I assumed that he just texted me because he was bored. Then one day, we were texting and he asked me what I did all day which was weird because he knew I was in school. Also that same night, I told him that I was hyper and he said he wanted to see me hyper...I sorta assume he said that because he never seen me hyper and outgoing as much. I sorta had the feeling that he liked me, but i'm not sure because when I text him now, it's only small talk, but I know that he works and goes to church but I don't know if he just said all of that at that moment or if it means something because he is sort of a flirt...
I'm not really worried if he likes me or not, but it would be nice to know if he did so my mind wouldn't go all crazy and make assumptions that may be wrong. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. He's giving you every hint possible that he'd like to spend time with you.
texting some dirty stuff
By: sadie
Age: 40
Location: ill
Question: a few months ago an old family friend found me on facebook and we started texting each other. everything was going cool and than we started to get a little intimate with our feelings, texting some dirty stuff.. things were good for awhile but he has not text in two weeks. should i text him and if so say what? i'm not usually the one who texts first but i thought we were friends and i'm confused by not hearing from him
VictorM's advice:
What probably happened is he got carried about in the excitement, and now, one of two things happened: 1) he got bored and has moved on to the next contact in facebook; or 2) he thinks you're going to want to head in a direction he's not interested in going.
Contact him but don't ask "what's wrong?" Treat it as if nothing unusual happened, give him some piece of personal news, and say you hope he's doing fine and you're hoping to hear from him soon.
Age: 40
Location: ill
Question: a few months ago an old family friend found me on facebook and we started texting each other. everything was going cool and than we started to get a little intimate with our feelings, texting some dirty stuff.. things were good for awhile but he has not text in two weeks. should i text him and if so say what? i'm not usually the one who texts first but i thought we were friends and i'm confused by not hearing from him
VictorM's advice:
What probably happened is he got carried about in the excitement, and now, one of two things happened: 1) he got bored and has moved on to the next contact in facebook; or 2) he thinks you're going to want to head in a direction he's not interested in going.
Contact him but don't ask "what's wrong?" Treat it as if nothing unusual happened, give him some piece of personal news, and say you hope he's doing fine and you're hoping to hear from him soon.
X thing reminded him of me
By: Kate
Age: 18
Question: Hey Victor!
It's me again, the cute/silly presents girl, I wanted to comment but I didn't know if you were gonna read so I'm gonna write another question.
Is saying that X thing reminded him of me also a sign of interest?
Thanks.
PS.: I'm not the Kate from Delaware.
:)
VictorM's advice:
I get an automatic email anytime someone writes in the comments, so I do read them all.
Those types of reminders (places, things, etc) are very much a sign that you are on his mind. I'd say there's interest. But remember, that could mean interest in learning more about you, not interest in plunging into a relationship. At least not yet.
Age: 18
Question: Hey Victor!
It's me again, the cute/silly presents girl, I wanted to comment but I didn't know if you were gonna read so I'm gonna write another question.
Is saying that X thing reminded him of me also a sign of interest?
Thanks.
PS.: I'm not the Kate from Delaware.
:)
VictorM's advice:
I get an automatic email anytime someone writes in the comments, so I do read them all.
Those types of reminders (places, things, etc) are very much a sign that you are on his mind. I'd say there's interest. But remember, that could mean interest in learning more about you, not interest in plunging into a relationship. At least not yet.
How do i know if my boyfriend likes someone else?
By: lost
Age: 22
Location: ma
Question: How do i know if my boyfriend likes someone else? There is a girl at his work that he text all the time and she text him. like when her and her boyfriend broke up she text him about it. and he smiles every time he text he he hides stuff he says to her from me and looks at her facebook all the time. should i be worried that he may like her even tho he says he loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should be worried. Guys don't behave with girls that if unless they are at least smitten by them. I'm not saying he's done anything with her yet, but he clearly is finding her too entertaining. And nothing good will come from that.
Age: 22
Location: ma
Question: How do i know if my boyfriend likes someone else? There is a girl at his work that he text all the time and she text him. like when her and her boyfriend broke up she text him about it. and he smiles every time he text he he hides stuff he says to her from me and looks at her facebook all the time. should i be worried that he may like her even tho he says he loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should be worried. Guys don't behave with girls that if unless they are at least smitten by them. I'm not saying he's done anything with her yet, but he clearly is finding her too entertaining. And nothing good will come from that.
I want to get married in the next couple of years
By: kelly
Age: 28
Location: wales
Question: I have been with my bf for 7.5 years, the thing is i am looking for a bit more than bf and gf. I want to get married in the next couple of years. In all the time I can only ever spend the night on a Saturday night even though I see him nearly every night. this year I wanted to know where we were going as a couple as I still was only allowed to stay once a week which I started complaining about and did get really upset about because I didn't understand why he only wanted me there once a week for the night. |If he doesn't want to get married fine but why cant I at least spend more than 1 night a week with him. In jan, this year however his friend became ill with cancer - he stopped seeing me as he needed space. I agreed to the space but was not happy with total no contact as we have been together 7 years.I did pop in occasionally with food for him to find he was actually entertaining his friends, not depressed as he told me he was. He said he could not handle a relationship because of the stress so I agreed to wait until he got his head together. then I found out that he was texting another girl behind my back and finally slept with her whilst I was giving him space. He slept with her in our bed as he cried when I sat down on it. So he couldn't handle a relationship but was having one with her. Here's a bit about his character - I wanted to go to a concert and he did not like the singer so he refused to take me. His friend (a girl) wanted to see a concert and he liked the singer so he took her and refused me?? I'm his fiance. He did take me in the end but as I went on about it for ages. Do you think I was selfish and over reacted? Do you think he wanted to have his single life (cake and eat it) and chucked me for another who is younger (she is 21) he is 42 and I am 27 as soon as I started asking about commitment. In other words see how far he could drag it out until I moaned.
Just for the record, he has lived with somebody when he was 21 but she cheated on him and moved her boyfriend into their house which screwed him up. Do you think he would have adapted as I told him I would never cheat on him and would never even think about doing something like that. That was disgusting of her.
VictorM's advice:
If you want to get married in the next couple of years, you'll have to find another boyfriend. This one is done with you. For crying out loud, what does he have to do to convince you he doesn't want you in his life? HE DOESN'T WANT YOU.
Stop humiliating yourself. You have to move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.
Age: 28
Location: wales
Question: I have been with my bf for 7.5 years, the thing is i am looking for a bit more than bf and gf. I want to get married in the next couple of years. In all the time I can only ever spend the night on a Saturday night even though I see him nearly every night. this year I wanted to know where we were going as a couple as I still was only allowed to stay once a week which I started complaining about and did get really upset about because I didn't understand why he only wanted me there once a week for the night. |If he doesn't want to get married fine but why cant I at least spend more than 1 night a week with him. In jan, this year however his friend became ill with cancer - he stopped seeing me as he needed space. I agreed to the space but was not happy with total no contact as we have been together 7 years.I did pop in occasionally with food for him to find he was actually entertaining his friends, not depressed as he told me he was. He said he could not handle a relationship because of the stress so I agreed to wait until he got his head together. then I found out that he was texting another girl behind my back and finally slept with her whilst I was giving him space. He slept with her in our bed as he cried when I sat down on it. So he couldn't handle a relationship but was having one with her. Here's a bit about his character - I wanted to go to a concert and he did not like the singer so he refused to take me. His friend (a girl) wanted to see a concert and he liked the singer so he took her and refused me?? I'm his fiance. He did take me in the end but as I went on about it for ages. Do you think I was selfish and over reacted? Do you think he wanted to have his single life (cake and eat it) and chucked me for another who is younger (she is 21) he is 42 and I am 27 as soon as I started asking about commitment. In other words see how far he could drag it out until I moaned.
Just for the record, he has lived with somebody when he was 21 but she cheated on him and moved her boyfriend into their house which screwed him up. Do you think he would have adapted as I told him I would never cheat on him and would never even think about doing something like that. That was disgusting of her.
VictorM's advice:
If you want to get married in the next couple of years, you'll have to find another boyfriend. This one is done with you. For crying out loud, what does he have to do to convince you he doesn't want you in his life? HE DOESN'T WANT YOU.
Stop humiliating yourself. You have to move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.
how to deal with my sometimes irrational insecurities
By: Alyssa
Age: 26
Location: NJ
Question: I began seeing someone a few months ago and the connection was and is still so strong. So while, this is an absolutely thrilling time, it also carries with it the possibility to be the most terrifying! Falling in love with someone new and getting to know them means so many wonderful things but it also means allowing someone to have the opportunity to hurt me. Consequently, I tend to be very guarded, something that my boyfriend observed and became determined to shatter. And truthfully, I have become so much more comfortable with him and with letting him in. He's very affectionate and willing to share his feelings with me while at the same time being totally goofy like me. Things in general are great.
However, silly as things usually are and as strong as they are becoming, I have issues about dwelling on things that are seemingly and rationally unimportant. Though while my head knows this, I still do it at times and I worry it will taint my relationship, something that is affecting my behavior right now.
My boyfriend and I went away together for the first time this weekend and I began putting pressure on myself to make it perfect (I tend to want to be a perfect version of my all the time), which ultimately led to me stressing out. Everyone around me was making such a huge deal about it that it got inside my head. So when the first little thing happened on the way up to the hotel that didn't seem "right" or as planned, it stuck with me. I tend to wear my emotions on my face so it was easy for my boyfriend to tell something was bothering me. We talked about it, he told me to stop pressuring myself because of other people and just let us be as we always are. The rest of that night and the next day were amazing and fun.
Valentine's Day night, we went out for dinner, got drinks and came back to the room in a tipsy and silly state. I gave hims some little presents that had connections to different things we had done or have planned and in the end, I wrote him a little bit about my feelings for him (because I can't say that stuff outloud). The first sense of weirdness I got was that he didn't really react. Not negative at all, but not in a way that matched what I had been feeling as I wrote the feelings down for him. Thus, I was feeling a little off when the next things happened.
Presidents' Day is his birthday. So as he went to the bathroom and it got to be a few minutes after midnight, I put on a sexy get up and waited for him. We began to get involved in messing around, and then his phone blew up. This is where the fight began...when he got up to check it. I immediately took offense to this. Granted, we had just started fooling around and I was the only undressed one, but in my head, what was going on with us should have taken priority over whoever was texting him or Facebooking him. He explained it that he wasn't trying to be hurtful but that what with being tipsy and excited about his birthday (and having a short attention span to begin with), he was excited to see who was the first person to say happy birthday. It didn't resolve itself that night, because, like I said, we had been drinking and just kind of fell asleep before resolving anything.
The next morning, right away he apologized for doing something that upset me. He explained that he did think that I over reacted but that had he known that something like that would have bothered me to such an extent, he would never have done it because upsetting me is the last thing he ever wants to do. He said it was nerve wracking having me upset with him for so long. I told him that yeah, it bothered me and that even though we were not going to agree as to whether I should or shouldn't have gotten upset, the most important thing was knowing that it was unintentional.
However, like I said, I tend to dwell. I'm typically very confident in myself, my looks, my intelligence, and in the fact that I know this boy loves the hell out of me. But when a disagreement happens, it rattles me and it takes me a while to get back on course because I tend to project my lingering negative feelings towards myself onto my boyfriend and over-analyze his reactions (which are probably normal but take on enhanced meaning in my head if I worry that he is still upset with me). And like I also said, it reads on my face. This was the first time that we weren't able to solve something right away by communicating and it freaked me out and I couldn't hide that. So throughout the day I was quieter than normal and things between us just felt off. I didn't want to keep talking about it because I know the original source of the disagreement is not what is important. I just get frantic and worry that a fight and/or my reaction to it will lead to my significant other loving me a little less...like I'm being knocked off of some pedestal he has me on. I shared this to some extent with him and also mentioned the fact that he had virtually no reaction to what I had written to him also made me feel uneasy. He said that he cares for me and loves me and expresses that in so many different ways that even after a fight, I should never be insecure about that, especially since I am usually always so sure about things. And in regards to the letter, he read it, was a lil tipsy and wanted to reread it on his own and that we could have a conversation about it if I wanted (which isn't actually what I wanted...) but that he thought it was kind of meant to stand alone, not pull something out of him, especially since he does tend to be more vocal about that stuff on a regular basis.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here or how to deal with my sometimes irrational insecurities. What is your take on the events of my weekend and do you have any advice on how to best convey my occasional uncertainties to him (so I can get them out and not harbor them) but in a way that doesn't turn things super serious for a while or lead to dwelling on negative things?
VictorM's advice:
Your question is really out of my league. I suggest you see a professional therapist, if you can afford it. Also, I'll ask other female readers to give you their best advice in the Visitor Comment section below.
What I can do is give you my take, as a male, based on what you told me. Fair enough? OK. Strap yourself on for a bumpy ride.
You're a nag! A royal, pain in the ass nag. Don't hide under the perfectionist label; that's not what the problem is. And let me tell you, you can gain dozens of pounds, grow hair out of your nostrils, and develop moles on your forehead the size of bull horns, and your guy will tolerate all of those more willingly than he will a nag. Nothing saps the life out of a relationship like a nag. Did I make my point clear enough that you're a nag?
So, how to deal with this? Well, one place to start is to realize that not only aren't you going out with a girl, you're not going out with yourself. You're going out with a man, who most likely has totally different views than you on many topics, including what pleases him and what's not a big deal. Just because you like something, just because you'd like him to do something for you doesn't mean he'll like the same thing. You need to drop all your expectations of how he should behave, and start paying attention to what he tells you, to what he likes, and develop a better sense of what would making him happy.
Did you ever have a conversation with him where he stated he would love a love letter from you? My guess is that never happened. So why should you expect any kind of a reaction from giving him something that you had no idea what he thought of it? Your role as a partner is to pay attention to your partner, not to force him to like the same exacts things you would like. To you, a love letter sounds wonderful, but he might have been much more pleased with a six pack of his favorite beer (do you even know what is favorite beer is?)
I'm not saying don't give him a love letter if that would please you, but I am saying, adjust your expectations accordingly, knowing that it may not turn him on as much as it turned you on to give it to him.
Is he the type to expect things to go perfect when you go out together and get annoyed if that doesn't happen? If he's not, why do you worry so much about it?
What I'm saying is you're not being nearly as good as girlfriend as you probably make yourself out to be. I say that because you're doing things to satisfy your own self, and that's negative selfishness. If he doesn't care so much when things aren't perfect, you shouldn't care so much either. That's being a better partner.
Was I too rough on you? Yes, I was, but I did it just to dramatize my points. From your letter, it's obvious that you're a caring, loving girl, who really wants to do well. It comes through. I just think you need to make the adjustment to be more in tune with what he wants, not what you expect him to want.
And sorry for nagging you about it.
Age: 26
Location: NJ
Question: I began seeing someone a few months ago and the connection was and is still so strong. So while, this is an absolutely thrilling time, it also carries with it the possibility to be the most terrifying! Falling in love with someone new and getting to know them means so many wonderful things but it also means allowing someone to have the opportunity to hurt me. Consequently, I tend to be very guarded, something that my boyfriend observed and became determined to shatter. And truthfully, I have become so much more comfortable with him and with letting him in. He's very affectionate and willing to share his feelings with me while at the same time being totally goofy like me. Things in general are great.
However, silly as things usually are and as strong as they are becoming, I have issues about dwelling on things that are seemingly and rationally unimportant. Though while my head knows this, I still do it at times and I worry it will taint my relationship, something that is affecting my behavior right now.
My boyfriend and I went away together for the first time this weekend and I began putting pressure on myself to make it perfect (I tend to want to be a perfect version of my all the time), which ultimately led to me stressing out. Everyone around me was making such a huge deal about it that it got inside my head. So when the first little thing happened on the way up to the hotel that didn't seem "right" or as planned, it stuck with me. I tend to wear my emotions on my face so it was easy for my boyfriend to tell something was bothering me. We talked about it, he told me to stop pressuring myself because of other people and just let us be as we always are. The rest of that night and the next day were amazing and fun.
Valentine's Day night, we went out for dinner, got drinks and came back to the room in a tipsy and silly state. I gave hims some little presents that had connections to different things we had done or have planned and in the end, I wrote him a little bit about my feelings for him (because I can't say that stuff outloud). The first sense of weirdness I got was that he didn't really react. Not negative at all, but not in a way that matched what I had been feeling as I wrote the feelings down for him. Thus, I was feeling a little off when the next things happened.
Presidents' Day is his birthday. So as he went to the bathroom and it got to be a few minutes after midnight, I put on a sexy get up and waited for him. We began to get involved in messing around, and then his phone blew up. This is where the fight began...when he got up to check it. I immediately took offense to this. Granted, we had just started fooling around and I was the only undressed one, but in my head, what was going on with us should have taken priority over whoever was texting him or Facebooking him. He explained it that he wasn't trying to be hurtful but that what with being tipsy and excited about his birthday (and having a short attention span to begin with), he was excited to see who was the first person to say happy birthday. It didn't resolve itself that night, because, like I said, we had been drinking and just kind of fell asleep before resolving anything.
The next morning, right away he apologized for doing something that upset me. He explained that he did think that I over reacted but that had he known that something like that would have bothered me to such an extent, he would never have done it because upsetting me is the last thing he ever wants to do. He said it was nerve wracking having me upset with him for so long. I told him that yeah, it bothered me and that even though we were not going to agree as to whether I should or shouldn't have gotten upset, the most important thing was knowing that it was unintentional.
However, like I said, I tend to dwell. I'm typically very confident in myself, my looks, my intelligence, and in the fact that I know this boy loves the hell out of me. But when a disagreement happens, it rattles me and it takes me a while to get back on course because I tend to project my lingering negative feelings towards myself onto my boyfriend and over-analyze his reactions (which are probably normal but take on enhanced meaning in my head if I worry that he is still upset with me). And like I also said, it reads on my face. This was the first time that we weren't able to solve something right away by communicating and it freaked me out and I couldn't hide that. So throughout the day I was quieter than normal and things between us just felt off. I didn't want to keep talking about it because I know the original source of the disagreement is not what is important. I just get frantic and worry that a fight and/or my reaction to it will lead to my significant other loving me a little less...like I'm being knocked off of some pedestal he has me on. I shared this to some extent with him and also mentioned the fact that he had virtually no reaction to what I had written to him also made me feel uneasy. He said that he cares for me and loves me and expresses that in so many different ways that even after a fight, I should never be insecure about that, especially since I am usually always so sure about things. And in regards to the letter, he read it, was a lil tipsy and wanted to reread it on his own and that we could have a conversation about it if I wanted (which isn't actually what I wanted...) but that he thought it was kind of meant to stand alone, not pull something out of him, especially since he does tend to be more vocal about that stuff on a regular basis.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here or how to deal with my sometimes irrational insecurities. What is your take on the events of my weekend and do you have any advice on how to best convey my occasional uncertainties to him (so I can get them out and not harbor them) but in a way that doesn't turn things super serious for a while or lead to dwelling on negative things?
VictorM's advice:
Your question is really out of my league. I suggest you see a professional therapist, if you can afford it. Also, I'll ask other female readers to give you their best advice in the Visitor Comment section below.
What I can do is give you my take, as a male, based on what you told me. Fair enough? OK. Strap yourself on for a bumpy ride.
You're a nag! A royal, pain in the ass nag. Don't hide under the perfectionist label; that's not what the problem is. And let me tell you, you can gain dozens of pounds, grow hair out of your nostrils, and develop moles on your forehead the size of bull horns, and your guy will tolerate all of those more willingly than he will a nag. Nothing saps the life out of a relationship like a nag. Did I make my point clear enough that you're a nag?
So, how to deal with this? Well, one place to start is to realize that not only aren't you going out with a girl, you're not going out with yourself. You're going out with a man, who most likely has totally different views than you on many topics, including what pleases him and what's not a big deal. Just because you like something, just because you'd like him to do something for you doesn't mean he'll like the same thing. You need to drop all your expectations of how he should behave, and start paying attention to what he tells you, to what he likes, and develop a better sense of what would making him happy.
Did you ever have a conversation with him where he stated he would love a love letter from you? My guess is that never happened. So why should you expect any kind of a reaction from giving him something that you had no idea what he thought of it? Your role as a partner is to pay attention to your partner, not to force him to like the same exacts things you would like. To you, a love letter sounds wonderful, but he might have been much more pleased with a six pack of his favorite beer (do you even know what is favorite beer is?)
I'm not saying don't give him a love letter if that would please you, but I am saying, adjust your expectations accordingly, knowing that it may not turn him on as much as it turned you on to give it to him.
Is he the type to expect things to go perfect when you go out together and get annoyed if that doesn't happen? If he's not, why do you worry so much about it?
What I'm saying is you're not being nearly as good as girlfriend as you probably make yourself out to be. I say that because you're doing things to satisfy your own self, and that's negative selfishness. If he doesn't care so much when things aren't perfect, you shouldn't care so much either. That's being a better partner.
Was I too rough on you? Yes, I was, but I did it just to dramatize my points. From your letter, it's obvious that you're a caring, loving girl, who really wants to do well. It comes through. I just think you need to make the adjustment to be more in tune with what he wants, not what you expect him to want.
And sorry for nagging you about it.
I have a question about my ex
By: Rebecca
Age: 23
Location: RSA
Question: Hi Victor, thanks for your advice on my previous question - am seriously considering the second date when he comes back!
I have a question about my ex. This guy was my first proper boyfriend, but we only dated for about three months, two years ago. In retrospect it wasn't that big a deal, but at the time it felt like he broke my heart when he just lost interest. For my own preservation, I cut off all contact, including deleting him from facebook. He was unhappy about this as he had wanted to stay friends. I told him maybe one day it'd be different, but he should wait for me to make that move.
He added me on facebook again, so I just left the request pending.
About six months after we broke up he sent me an email asking how I was and wanting to know if we could meet for coffee to catch up. I told him very nicely that although I wished him well, I had no interest in being friends, and asked that things just stay as they are. He said he understood. A few months later, he sent me a facebook message after I ran into him at a party, saying how good it was to see me, please to add him on facebook, blah blah. I didn't reply. Six months later, after I had heard he had recently started dating someone, I got another email, just asking how I was and what I was up to. I didn't reply to that either. That was about five months ago. A few days ago I got another facebook message from him, asking how I am etc etc.
Why won't he just leave me alone? He has a serious girlfriend now. Since ignoring him doesn't appear to be working, what can I say to him to make him understand that I want nothing to do with him, but not give the impression that I'm still hurting or bitter? I have moved on, I'm not angry anymore, I just don't feel like I owe him anything. We weren't friends before being a couple and he hurt me badly. Why can't he just let it go?
VictorM's advice:
Why does he keep trying? Well, men love the attention of a female whom they know likes them more than they like her. It's a great ego boost. In this case, since you've made it difficult to contact, you've added a challenge, which many guys find hard to resist.
You can't control his actions -- if he's going to come after you because that's his personality, he will -- but you can, and should, do all you can so that his messages never even reach you. The slightest hint that you're even reading his messages, even if you don't reply, is encouragement to him.
You're not trying hard enough to keep him away, but that's exactly what you should do. Facebook has a "block" feature that works pretty well. Try it. And you can add his email address to your junk filter.
Age: 23
Location: RSA
Question: Hi Victor, thanks for your advice on my previous question - am seriously considering the second date when he comes back!
I have a question about my ex. This guy was my first proper boyfriend, but we only dated for about three months, two years ago. In retrospect it wasn't that big a deal, but at the time it felt like he broke my heart when he just lost interest. For my own preservation, I cut off all contact, including deleting him from facebook. He was unhappy about this as he had wanted to stay friends. I told him maybe one day it'd be different, but he should wait for me to make that move.
He added me on facebook again, so I just left the request pending.
About six months after we broke up he sent me an email asking how I was and wanting to know if we could meet for coffee to catch up. I told him very nicely that although I wished him well, I had no interest in being friends, and asked that things just stay as they are. He said he understood. A few months later, he sent me a facebook message after I ran into him at a party, saying how good it was to see me, please to add him on facebook, blah blah. I didn't reply. Six months later, after I had heard he had recently started dating someone, I got another email, just asking how I was and what I was up to. I didn't reply to that either. That was about five months ago. A few days ago I got another facebook message from him, asking how I am etc etc.
Why won't he just leave me alone? He has a serious girlfriend now. Since ignoring him doesn't appear to be working, what can I say to him to make him understand that I want nothing to do with him, but not give the impression that I'm still hurting or bitter? I have moved on, I'm not angry anymore, I just don't feel like I owe him anything. We weren't friends before being a couple and he hurt me badly. Why can't he just let it go?
VictorM's advice:
Why does he keep trying? Well, men love the attention of a female whom they know likes them more than they like her. It's a great ego boost. In this case, since you've made it difficult to contact, you've added a challenge, which many guys find hard to resist.
You can't control his actions -- if he's going to come after you because that's his personality, he will -- but you can, and should, do all you can so that his messages never even reach you. The slightest hint that you're even reading his messages, even if you don't reply, is encouragement to him.
You're not trying hard enough to keep him away, but that's exactly what you should do. Facebook has a "block" feature that works pretty well. Try it. And you can add his email address to your junk filter.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I'm just someone there when he's bored or what?
By: Jennifer
Age: 21
Location: new jersey
Question: so me and this guy have been talking everyday for three months now. we talk every night and text throughout the day. we've only hung out a few times in the beginning now he never asks to hang out anymore. but he still talks and initiates the texting everyday. I'm just not sure if I'm just someone there when he's bored or what?
VictorM's advice:
It could be that, or he just feels bad about disappearing overnight, not wanting to hurt your feelings. Either way, he's not interested.
Age: 21
Location: new jersey
Question: so me and this guy have been talking everyday for three months now. we talk every night and text throughout the day. we've only hung out a few times in the beginning now he never asks to hang out anymore. but he still talks and initiates the texting everyday. I'm just not sure if I'm just someone there when he's bored or what?
VictorM's advice:
It could be that, or he just feels bad about disappearing overnight, not wanting to hurt your feelings. Either way, he's not interested.
I work with this guy, duke
By: Lillie
Age: 20
Location: Tx
Question: Dear victor I have a somewhat interesting question
how or what should I do to tell if a guy likes me? I'll give you the circumstance.
I work with this guy, duke. He is one of the managers at my job and only a few months older then me (don't worry we are actually allowed to mix and mingle with them) well I have known him for years but have never been good friends with him until recently. And as I got to know him I have also fallen for duke. Which I wasn't really aware of my feelings for him until a week or two ago. I really can't read guys but here is how he acts or some things than have happened.
1. He says my name. A lot more then possibly needed
2. He has gone out of his way to help me out.
3. He laughs at all my jokes (I could just be funny, but some aren't)
4. When he works he typically does the duties involved with me. Instead of giving them to another lower down manager
5. He remembered a guy I mentioned a few months ago that a the time I had been interested in. And asked me about him on valentines when we were discussing being single. (I totally told him nothing was happening there)
but he also is a really nice guy to everybody and I fear I am reading into this more then I should.
Is there something I could do or see with out giving away my feelings and looking stupid? (if he doesn't like me)
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you need to realize is that what you said "I have also fallen for duke" is not the type of thing that guys think. Guys don't "fall" for a girl. Guys will find a girl attractive and lust kicks in, and then, if they can, they spend time getting to know her better. So really, there is no way to know if a guy likes you (in a girl sense of the word) because guys don't usually start of by liking a girl, in the sense you think.
We can say that you have caught his attention and that he finds you attractive. That's a good place to start, but at the same time, guys are notorious for devoting a lot of attention to a particular attractive female at work to pass the time, to make work more pleasurable. Often, that attraction is limited to work hours.
The only way you can get a better idea about his intentions is outside of the work place. So if you can find ways to somehow see him outside of work, it might tell you something.
But consider that: 1) a lot of guys really don't want to get involved with a coworker, and 2) that's even more of a problem if you're a subordinate.
Age: 20
Location: Tx
Question: Dear victor I have a somewhat interesting question
how or what should I do to tell if a guy likes me? I'll give you the circumstance.
I work with this guy, duke. He is one of the managers at my job and only a few months older then me (don't worry we are actually allowed to mix and mingle with them) well I have known him for years but have never been good friends with him until recently. And as I got to know him I have also fallen for duke. Which I wasn't really aware of my feelings for him until a week or two ago. I really can't read guys but here is how he acts or some things than have happened.
1. He says my name. A lot more then possibly needed
2. He has gone out of his way to help me out.
3. He laughs at all my jokes (I could just be funny, but some aren't)
4. When he works he typically does the duties involved with me. Instead of giving them to another lower down manager
5. He remembered a guy I mentioned a few months ago that a the time I had been interested in. And asked me about him on valentines when we were discussing being single. (I totally told him nothing was happening there)
but he also is a really nice guy to everybody and I fear I am reading into this more then I should.
Is there something I could do or see with out giving away my feelings and looking stupid? (if he doesn't like me)
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you need to realize is that what you said "I have also fallen for duke" is not the type of thing that guys think. Guys don't "fall" for a girl. Guys will find a girl attractive and lust kicks in, and then, if they can, they spend time getting to know her better. So really, there is no way to know if a guy likes you (in a girl sense of the word) because guys don't usually start of by liking a girl, in the sense you think.
We can say that you have caught his attention and that he finds you attractive. That's a good place to start, but at the same time, guys are notorious for devoting a lot of attention to a particular attractive female at work to pass the time, to make work more pleasurable. Often, that attraction is limited to work hours.
The only way you can get a better idea about his intentions is outside of the work place. So if you can find ways to somehow see him outside of work, it might tell you something.
But consider that: 1) a lot of guys really don't want to get involved with a coworker, and 2) that's even more of a problem if you're a subordinate.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I don't want to ruin our friendship
By: mary
Age: 21
Location: oregon
Question: I have a guy friend who I recently realized I am completely love with. He flirts with me and when I was seeing someone he used to make jokes about him like he was jealous. I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying something. also he is sleeping with a few different girls casually and he tells me about it whenever I see him. I refuse to be just another girl who wants to be with him because he makes being in that position pretty cheap. But he means a lot to me. And I don't think he would tell me if he did like me, because I know he can be really insecure and afraid of rejection.
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him how you feel; that would be a mistake.
What I suggest you do is continue to see him as a friend, but treat him treat him as a guy you want to date. Do things like: when talking to him, invade his space (stand a few inches closer to him than you normally do), touch him lightly on the wrist or arm when making a point, dress more sexy and wear makeup and perfume, and when he starts talking about those other girls mention that you'd prefer not to hear about them.
You have to flip his mindset so he thinks of you less as a pal and more of dating potential.
What happens after that is anyone's guess, but you at least give yourself a better chance.
Age: 21
Location: oregon
Question: I have a guy friend who I recently realized I am completely love with. He flirts with me and when I was seeing someone he used to make jokes about him like he was jealous. I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying something. also he is sleeping with a few different girls casually and he tells me about it whenever I see him. I refuse to be just another girl who wants to be with him because he makes being in that position pretty cheap. But he means a lot to me. And I don't think he would tell me if he did like me, because I know he can be really insecure and afraid of rejection.
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him how you feel; that would be a mistake.
What I suggest you do is continue to see him as a friend, but treat him treat him as a guy you want to date. Do things like: when talking to him, invade his space (stand a few inches closer to him than you normally do), touch him lightly on the wrist or arm when making a point, dress more sexy and wear makeup and perfume, and when he starts talking about those other girls mention that you'd prefer not to hear about them.
You have to flip his mindset so he thinks of you less as a pal and more of dating potential.
What happens after that is anyone's guess, but you at least give yourself a better chance.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
He's an amazing boyfriend
By: Leeah
Age: 24
Location: NYC
Question: So i've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 1/2 yrs. He's an amazing boyfriend, treats me good and cares about me a lot. But lately i feel like there's no romantic spark in our relationship. He's 23 and he lives alone, he says it's hard for him to take me out every week like we used to do when he lived with his parents because he has to pay rent and bills. So sometimes when we go out i pay. I think he's gotten too comfortable with that fact and i started paying a lot more now. I also do a lot for him (not to say he doesn't do a lot for me) but he feels like if i do something a "thank you" is good enough. I tell him actions speak louder then words but that doesn't seem to help. I just want him to be more of a man like it used to be in the past. Is it that we are to comfortable around each other and he feels secure that no matter what I'll be there? Right now we decided to take some space for a few days because things don't seem to be going right. How do we fix this where i feel happier with him? Where he does things for me without me asking and out of his heart because he wants to?
Thanx for your advice! =]
VictorM's advice:
So, if I get this straight, when he lived with his parents he took you out and he paid most of the times? Did he complain about it? I'm going to guess he didn't, because most men are in the habit of paying when we can afford to and not whine about it, as you are doing now.
So he made a life change in search of more independence and freedom, and instead of your support and help, he gets complaints. Really, with girlfriends like you, space is a welcomed thing.
If you do something for someone and you expect something more than a "thank you," you're not doing it for them -- you're doing it for yourself! The guy is no mind reader; he's not sure of all the things that he could do that would please you. I bet that many of the things you do for him he doesn't care about; he's just not rude enough to tell you. But women all too often do for their guy what they'd like done to them, thinking that he therefore must be appreciative. Not so, many times.
If you're taking him out, unhappy about it, but take credit for it, you're a hypocrite.
It's almost as if you don't give a shit that he has financial problems. You just want to be treated like a princess. Period.
Good thing you're the one asking me for advice. If it were him, I'd say he's better off without the selfish queen. But, I'm here to help you, right? Right... OK then...
Be the change you want him to be. If you want more romance, be more romantic (without whining about it); want to do something about his financial woes and yet spend quality time with him? How about cooking in? Cooking together, a wine glass or two, some nice music... can be quite a treat. When he does something you like, reward him with praise, recognition, a heartfelt "thank you" or the sexual act of his preference. If something about what's going on bothers you, stop doing it! (If you're annoyed you have to pay when you go out, don't go!)
You don't motive people to do better with criticism, put downs, and complaints. You do it leading by example and recognizing and rewarding their good deeds. And next time you do something that you think you're doing for him, stop and ask yourself: when did he ever say he'd love me to do this for him? Because if he hasn't, you're doing it for yourself.
Age: 24
Location: NYC
Question: So i've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 1/2 yrs. He's an amazing boyfriend, treats me good and cares about me a lot. But lately i feel like there's no romantic spark in our relationship. He's 23 and he lives alone, he says it's hard for him to take me out every week like we used to do when he lived with his parents because he has to pay rent and bills. So sometimes when we go out i pay. I think he's gotten too comfortable with that fact and i started paying a lot more now. I also do a lot for him (not to say he doesn't do a lot for me) but he feels like if i do something a "thank you" is good enough. I tell him actions speak louder then words but that doesn't seem to help. I just want him to be more of a man like it used to be in the past. Is it that we are to comfortable around each other and he feels secure that no matter what I'll be there? Right now we decided to take some space for a few days because things don't seem to be going right. How do we fix this where i feel happier with him? Where he does things for me without me asking and out of his heart because he wants to?
Thanx for your advice! =]
VictorM's advice:
So, if I get this straight, when he lived with his parents he took you out and he paid most of the times? Did he complain about it? I'm going to guess he didn't, because most men are in the habit of paying when we can afford to and not whine about it, as you are doing now.
So he made a life change in search of more independence and freedom, and instead of your support and help, he gets complaints. Really, with girlfriends like you, space is a welcomed thing.
If you do something for someone and you expect something more than a "thank you," you're not doing it for them -- you're doing it for yourself! The guy is no mind reader; he's not sure of all the things that he could do that would please you. I bet that many of the things you do for him he doesn't care about; he's just not rude enough to tell you. But women all too often do for their guy what they'd like done to them, thinking that he therefore must be appreciative. Not so, many times.
If you're taking him out, unhappy about it, but take credit for it, you're a hypocrite.
It's almost as if you don't give a shit that he has financial problems. You just want to be treated like a princess. Period.
Good thing you're the one asking me for advice. If it were him, I'd say he's better off without the selfish queen. But, I'm here to help you, right? Right... OK then...
Be the change you want him to be. If you want more romance, be more romantic (without whining about it); want to do something about his financial woes and yet spend quality time with him? How about cooking in? Cooking together, a wine glass or two, some nice music... can be quite a treat. When he does something you like, reward him with praise, recognition, a heartfelt "thank you" or the sexual act of his preference. If something about what's going on bothers you, stop doing it! (If you're annoyed you have to pay when you go out, don't go!)
You don't motive people to do better with criticism, put downs, and complaints. You do it leading by example and recognizing and rewarding their good deeds. And next time you do something that you think you're doing for him, stop and ask yourself: when did he ever say he'd love me to do this for him? Because if he hasn't, you're doing it for yourself.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I told him last night that I loved him
By: Diane
Age: 37
Location: Virginia
Question: I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months and I have strong feelings for him. I told him last night that I loved him. I don't think that he can tell me the same and now I think that I may have scared him away. Should I have expressed my feelings to him?
VictorM's advice:
It would have been better if you had not expressed your feelings. Yes, there's a good chance you've scared him away. Here's the reason why: guys do NOT fall in love as quickly as females do. Guys fall in lust, but feelings of love take a much longer time to arrive. Girls see a relationship as security, but guys see it as loss of freedom. So when you confess feelings of love when he's interested mostly in your boobs, it becomes a huge leap to make. Most guys simply bolt because they don't like to feel trapped or feel like they are leading you on (because at this point they don't feel that strongly about you).
Age: 37
Location: Virginia
Question: I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months and I have strong feelings for him. I told him last night that I loved him. I don't think that he can tell me the same and now I think that I may have scared him away. Should I have expressed my feelings to him?
VictorM's advice:
It would have been better if you had not expressed your feelings. Yes, there's a good chance you've scared him away. Here's the reason why: guys do NOT fall in love as quickly as females do. Guys fall in lust, but feelings of love take a much longer time to arrive. Girls see a relationship as security, but guys see it as loss of freedom. So when you confess feelings of love when he's interested mostly in your boobs, it becomes a huge leap to make. Most guys simply bolt because they don't like to feel trapped or feel like they are leading you on (because at this point they don't feel that strongly about you).
We both have the same hobby
By: Sarah
Age: 28
Location: California
Question: I have a question about a guy whom I've recently become acquainted with since about 5 years ago. We both have the same hobby, and see each other about once a week for the past 3 weeks. I also saw him out once, and we talked for like, a minute. Normally, we small talk here and there and I could definitely feel the mutual attraction. He used to always look my way, but turn when I caught him. However, today was different. He showed up but didn't talk to me, and didn't seem like he looked over much. I would have thought that he would have asked me out by now. Does he know that I'm onto him? Should i give up?
VictorM's advice:
It's quite common for a guy who likes a girl to give her the cold shoulder for a few days just to see if she reacts.
Do NOT tell him you like him and don't ask him out, but encourage him with smiles and personalized greetings ("Hi, Bob" "See you later, Bob").
Maybe he's not interested, maybe he is. You don't have to give up, but you don't have to stand still either. Keep your options open elsewhere.
Age: 28
Location: California
Question: I have a question about a guy whom I've recently become acquainted with since about 5 years ago. We both have the same hobby, and see each other about once a week for the past 3 weeks. I also saw him out once, and we talked for like, a minute. Normally, we small talk here and there and I could definitely feel the mutual attraction. He used to always look my way, but turn when I caught him. However, today was different. He showed up but didn't talk to me, and didn't seem like he looked over much. I would have thought that he would have asked me out by now. Does he know that I'm onto him? Should i give up?
VictorM's advice:
It's quite common for a guy who likes a girl to give her the cold shoulder for a few days just to see if she reacts.
Do NOT tell him you like him and don't ask him out, but encourage him with smiles and personalized greetings ("Hi, Bob" "See you later, Bob").
Maybe he's not interested, maybe he is. You don't have to give up, but you don't have to stand still either. Keep your options open elsewhere.
Habenero and Tomato
By: Ragu
Location: NJ
Question: Hey Victor,
Haha just remember curiosity kill the cat!
So anyway a lot has happened since we last talked.
First off I am confused about my feelings towards Habenero and then there is still Tomato.
Habanero.
On February 5, we were in math class and he sits in front of me. So I get into class, put my books down and he leaves the class to get a drink. The whole class has to leave for a bathroom break. So I am walking back into the class and some of my books are gone with only three people in the classroom. I ask where are my books, and two people did deny having them. Habenero was the only one left. I asked him where are my books. He just smiled and said I don't know I don't have them. We went back and forth and then I asked can I please have the books. He said okay and gave me my friends books saying here are some books. Then I did eventually find my books. It was fun and really funny to watch us argue. But what does that mean? That is all that has really happened becasue we haven't been in school for a while because of the snow.
Next is Tomato.
Last time we talked things were heading in a good direction. But are they still? Yes we are friends on facebook but he is never on! Anyway, on the 9th I think, we were in science class making these projects. Of course we were at the lab tables and so I was across from Tomato at our table. We were joking around and laughing. I mean it was fun but what will happen when she does change our seats? Because we don't talk unless it is in science. And that is only because we sit next to eachother!
Thanks Victor! Happy Valentine's Day!!
Oh which reminds me that today I was online and so was Habanero but nothing happened! He did not say one word to me. Not even like a Happy Valentine's Day! I am sooo confused! Thanks Again.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you need to focus on one guy instead of a salad of them, know what I mean?
You can never tell about facebook. I'm usually logged in all day, even if for many hours of the day I'm away from the computer. Same could apply to Habanero. He still has fun giving you attention, so it's not like he doesn't pay attention to you.
Tomato and you will stay in contact one way or another, so don't go worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.
PS. By the way, do you know that a Ragu is an Italian word for a meat-based sauce? You know to find a guy to call Ox Tail. :)
And thanks for the Happy Valentine's. Hope you had fun too.
Location: NJ
Question: Hey Victor,
Haha just remember curiosity kill the cat!
So anyway a lot has happened since we last talked.
First off I am confused about my feelings towards Habenero and then there is still Tomato.
Habanero.
On February 5, we were in math class and he sits in front of me. So I get into class, put my books down and he leaves the class to get a drink. The whole class has to leave for a bathroom break. So I am walking back into the class and some of my books are gone with only three people in the classroom. I ask where are my books, and two people did deny having them. Habenero was the only one left. I asked him where are my books. He just smiled and said I don't know I don't have them. We went back and forth and then I asked can I please have the books. He said okay and gave me my friends books saying here are some books. Then I did eventually find my books. It was fun and really funny to watch us argue. But what does that mean? That is all that has really happened becasue we haven't been in school for a while because of the snow.
Next is Tomato.
Last time we talked things were heading in a good direction. But are they still? Yes we are friends on facebook but he is never on! Anyway, on the 9th I think, we were in science class making these projects. Of course we were at the lab tables and so I was across from Tomato at our table. We were joking around and laughing. I mean it was fun but what will happen when she does change our seats? Because we don't talk unless it is in science. And that is only because we sit next to eachother!
Thanks Victor! Happy Valentine's Day!!
Oh which reminds me that today I was online and so was Habanero but nothing happened! He did not say one word to me. Not even like a Happy Valentine's Day! I am sooo confused! Thanks Again.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you need to focus on one guy instead of a salad of them, know what I mean?
You can never tell about facebook. I'm usually logged in all day, even if for many hours of the day I'm away from the computer. Same could apply to Habanero. He still has fun giving you attention, so it's not like he doesn't pay attention to you.
Tomato and you will stay in contact one way or another, so don't go worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.
PS. By the way, do you know that a Ragu is an Italian word for a meat-based sauce? You know to find a guy to call Ox Tail. :)
And thanks for the Happy Valentine's. Hope you had fun too.
He told me not to be sad
By: Isabella
Age: 13
Question: Well there's this guy that I really like, I got his # last week and we have been texting for the whole week , though he has a girlfriend. His girlfriend was in d.r. for awhile. Now she returned. He told me not to be sad but he couldn't talk to me that much anymore. Was he just using me while his gf was gone?? Also I want to tell him that I like him, though I don't know how to say it. Lastly he always starts the conversations and I think he likes me. Help me.
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him you like him. That seldom works in your favor.
No, he wasn't using you. You knew all along he has a girlfriend. All that happened was he had more time when she wasn't around. That's all.
If he keeps starting conversations with you, just be fun and pleasant. You never know how long he's going to stay with his girlfriend. It may be your turn next.
PS. You said his girlfriend was in d.r. What's "d.r."?
Age: 13
Question: Well there's this guy that I really like, I got his # last week and we have been texting for the whole week , though he has a girlfriend. His girlfriend was in d.r. for awhile. Now she returned. He told me not to be sad but he couldn't talk to me that much anymore. Was he just using me while his gf was gone?? Also I want to tell him that I like him, though I don't know how to say it. Lastly he always starts the conversations and I think he likes me. Help me.
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him you like him. That seldom works in your favor.
No, he wasn't using you. You knew all along he has a girlfriend. All that happened was he had more time when she wasn't around. That's all.
If he keeps starting conversations with you, just be fun and pleasant. You never know how long he's going to stay with his girlfriend. It may be your turn next.
PS. You said his girlfriend was in d.r. What's "d.r."?
Monday, February 15, 2010
he started to ignore me and avoid eye contact
By: someone
Age: 15
Location: CA
Question: i met this guy two weeks ago and we flirted a lot. but i had just broken up with my ex boyfriend which happens to be his friend. two days later he started to ignore me and avoid eye contact but just said hey whats up and walked away not enough time for me to respond.so i heard from my ex since we stayed friends that my crush likes me and is willing to date me if my ex didn't get jealous and yet two days later my ex comes and tells me my crush does not like me no more and i am starting to see that because he flirts with girls and in front of me and when i am around he kind of ignores me but sometimes he stares at me and not make conversations. i know my ex must have been talking about me to him. so i don't know what to do i really like him i dont know if he likes me back but i am certainly not going after him just because he is my ex's friend.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but made a decision that it's not worth getting in trouble with his pal over you.
Peer pressure in this sense (dating someone else's ex) is usually not as big a deal among guys as it is among girls, but still, it can be a big factor.
Age: 15
Location: CA
Question: i met this guy two weeks ago and we flirted a lot. but i had just broken up with my ex boyfriend which happens to be his friend. two days later he started to ignore me and avoid eye contact but just said hey whats up and walked away not enough time for me to respond.so i heard from my ex since we stayed friends that my crush likes me and is willing to date me if my ex didn't get jealous and yet two days later my ex comes and tells me my crush does not like me no more and i am starting to see that because he flirts with girls and in front of me and when i am around he kind of ignores me but sometimes he stares at me and not make conversations. i know my ex must have been talking about me to him. so i don't know what to do i really like him i dont know if he likes me back but i am certainly not going after him just because he is my ex's friend.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but made a decision that it's not worth getting in trouble with his pal over you.
Peer pressure in this sense (dating someone else's ex) is usually not as big a deal among guys as it is among girls, but still, it can be a big factor.
he hasn't really tried to make a move on me
By: Elisa
Age: 26
Location: Chicago
Question: I have been friends with this guy for about seven years. A few months ago we started dating (which he initiated) and about six weeks ago we decided to date exclusively. My concern is he hasn't really tried to make a move on me. We kiss and make out but it never goes beyond that. Is this unusual? Also we only spend weekends with each other (we both work and I'm in grad school) and he always wants to call it an early night because he's tired. Is he really just not that into me? What's his deal??
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual. It could be in part because he respects you too much to put pressure on you for sex, or it could be because many guys see the sexual act as a point of no return, meaning, after sex, a steady relationship is expected and he's not ready for that yet. And of course, there could be other reasons, but those two are pretty common.
Age: 26
Location: Chicago
Question: I have been friends with this guy for about seven years. A few months ago we started dating (which he initiated) and about six weeks ago we decided to date exclusively. My concern is he hasn't really tried to make a move on me. We kiss and make out but it never goes beyond that. Is this unusual? Also we only spend weekends with each other (we both work and I'm in grad school) and he always wants to call it an early night because he's tired. Is he really just not that into me? What's his deal??
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual. It could be in part because he respects you too much to put pressure on you for sex, or it could be because many guys see the sexual act as a point of no return, meaning, after sex, a steady relationship is expected and he's not ready for that yet. And of course, there could be other reasons, but those two are pretty common.
Does he like me?
By: Eva
Age: 17
Location: NJ
Question: Does he like me??
So i work at an Italian restaurant with some guy i know, he's constantly giving me food, asking if i want anything, always defending me, and being really nice to me. He asked me to go to the movies with him a couple of times, but i said we can go as friends. Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
He likes getting your attention and finds you attractive. That's all we know from his actions.
Sometimes, that's enough for a guy. But whether he has other intentions or not is something you can't tell from his current actions.
Age: 17
Location: NJ
Question: Does he like me??
So i work at an Italian restaurant with some guy i know, he's constantly giving me food, asking if i want anything, always defending me, and being really nice to me. He asked me to go to the movies with him a couple of times, but i said we can go as friends. Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
He likes getting your attention and finds you attractive. That's all we know from his actions.
Sometimes, that's enough for a guy. But whether he has other intentions or not is something you can't tell from his current actions.
being able to hold a conversation is very important
By: Wendy
Age: 25
Location: New York
Question: There is a guy who I began talking to who I met online a couple of weeks ago. But it really annoys me that he really is not a great conversationalist. I do not mean he is shy, because it doesn't appear that way, I just mean that he does not really have much to say which may stem from him not really having much of an active social life. He also never really asks me questions or reciprocates questions I ask like normal people would do in conversation. He reached out to me online and asked for my number to text and then started calling me and I have been the one who has had to try to keep the conversation going ALL of the time. It really only has been a couple of weeks and really only a week since we've actually been speaking on the phone without texting and I want to get to know a lot more about him but I don't know how personal is too personal for the questions. I don't want to come off as too aggressive or invading his space or asking the wrong questions too soon, but asking these types of questions is what keeps conversation going and how you find out about one another. I really do not know what to do. I have been told I am kind of standoff-ish with guys and I don't want to judge him too soon and conclude we're not "clicking" before giving him a real chance, but to me being able to hold a conversation is very important and if we haven't really been able to do so thus far, I am just wasting my time. Am I being too hasty or could there just be no connection? How soon is too soon to decide there is really nothing worth pursuing? Could he just be nervous?
VictorM's advice:
If being able to hold a conversation is important to you, why stick around? You are wasting your time. There are millions of men in the New York City area, why not spend your energies on one that holds a conversation?
Age: 25
Location: New York
Question: There is a guy who I began talking to who I met online a couple of weeks ago. But it really annoys me that he really is not a great conversationalist. I do not mean he is shy, because it doesn't appear that way, I just mean that he does not really have much to say which may stem from him not really having much of an active social life. He also never really asks me questions or reciprocates questions I ask like normal people would do in conversation. He reached out to me online and asked for my number to text and then started calling me and I have been the one who has had to try to keep the conversation going ALL of the time. It really only has been a couple of weeks and really only a week since we've actually been speaking on the phone without texting and I want to get to know a lot more about him but I don't know how personal is too personal for the questions. I don't want to come off as too aggressive or invading his space or asking the wrong questions too soon, but asking these types of questions is what keeps conversation going and how you find out about one another. I really do not know what to do. I have been told I am kind of standoff-ish with guys and I don't want to judge him too soon and conclude we're not "clicking" before giving him a real chance, but to me being able to hold a conversation is very important and if we haven't really been able to do so thus far, I am just wasting my time. Am I being too hasty or could there just be no connection? How soon is too soon to decide there is really nothing worth pursuing? Could he just be nervous?
VictorM's advice:
If being able to hold a conversation is important to you, why stick around? You are wasting your time. There are millions of men in the New York City area, why not spend your energies on one that holds a conversation?
He enjoys our sex
By: Toni
Age: 42
Location: texas
Question: i have been dating someone off and on for 5 years. recently told me he is not romantically involved with me but just enjoys our sex
VictorM's advice:
Well... the "off and on" was a dead give away that there was not much holding this "relationship" together.
Age: 42
Location: texas
Question: i have been dating someone off and on for 5 years. recently told me he is not romantically involved with me but just enjoys our sex
VictorM's advice:
Well... the "off and on" was a dead give away that there was not much holding this "relationship" together.
I kind of have two questions
By: Kate
Age: 19
Location: Deleware
Question: Hi Victor! I kind of have two questions and would really appreciate if you could answer them for me.
Fri night I met this guy at a party and we kissed and he asked for my number and told me he would text me the next night to see if I was going out. He texted me at 3:45am saying it was nice to meet you but I didnt respond until the next day. Then he texted me that night saying Hey are you going out tonight? and after texting for a short amount of time he just stopped responding. Why did he even text me in the first place if he was just planning on not talking to me anymore?
Also- Last night I met another guy at a party and we talked for awhile and we found out we both live in the same apt complex at school. He hinted/asked that I could sleepover his room if I wanted to but I never really answered his question... since I didn't really want to since I dont wanna be a booty call. Then him and his friend dropped me and my friend off back at my apartment and his one friend asked if we wanted to smoke and we didn't really answer we were just like "ummm..." and the guy I was talking to earlier said "I think they're too tired" and we were like yeah sorry. So anyways as they are dropping me off the Kid I was talking to gets out of the car, hugs me, and says " It was a pleasure meeting you, if fate would have it maybe I will run into you again." My question is-- why didn't he ask for my number? Is he just not interested? or did he think I was not into it?
VictorM's advice:
I'm having a hard time keeping track of all the fake names you use. :)
Answer to first question: The alcohol wore off.
Answer to second question: He's leaving it up to fate. Doesn't sound like he was in the mood to chance being rejected.
Age: 19
Location: Deleware
Question: Hi Victor! I kind of have two questions and would really appreciate if you could answer them for me.
Fri night I met this guy at a party and we kissed and he asked for my number and told me he would text me the next night to see if I was going out. He texted me at 3:45am saying it was nice to meet you but I didnt respond until the next day. Then he texted me that night saying Hey are you going out tonight? and after texting for a short amount of time he just stopped responding. Why did he even text me in the first place if he was just planning on not talking to me anymore?
Also- Last night I met another guy at a party and we talked for awhile and we found out we both live in the same apt complex at school. He hinted/asked that I could sleepover his room if I wanted to but I never really answered his question... since I didn't really want to since I dont wanna be a booty call. Then him and his friend dropped me and my friend off back at my apartment and his one friend asked if we wanted to smoke and we didn't really answer we were just like "ummm..." and the guy I was talking to earlier said "I think they're too tired" and we were like yeah sorry. So anyways as they are dropping me off the Kid I was talking to gets out of the car, hugs me, and says " It was a pleasure meeting you, if fate would have it maybe I will run into you again." My question is-- why didn't he ask for my number? Is he just not interested? or did he think I was not into it?
VictorM's advice:
I'm having a hard time keeping track of all the fake names you use. :)
Answer to first question: The alcohol wore off.
Answer to second question: He's leaving it up to fate. Doesn't sound like he was in the mood to chance being rejected.
she hasn't been able to attract any guy
By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello Mr. V :),
This is not for me for once lolz, this question is for my bff who doesn't know about this site and she really needs my help.
To begin with, it surprised me that she was starting to think about boys this year since last year, she showed no interest. She hasn't had a boyfriend in 6 years and she doesn't know why. She's pretty, smart, funny, active, and is a good person, yet she hasn't been able to attract any guy. However, there is this one guy who is on the tennis team with her and his name is LB. She's a senior in high school and he's a sophmore and that's making a huge doubt in her book. Last year, they couldn't stand to even be around each other and now they give each other hugs and flirt with each other. Prom is coming up and she's the only one in our group who doesn't have a date and she wants to ask him, but the fact that he's younger is making her not ask him. Friday, she dressed up really nice and pretty (she dyed her hair black and it made her look 10x better than before) and he came over and gave her a hug...but all the time he was standing next to her, they didn't say a word to each other which wasn't like him according to her. He jokes around and is filled with things to talk about with her, but when they were next to each other and with our group, he was quiet. Later that day, he invited her to go bowling with the other tennis team, but she already had plans...By what she tells me, he seems to like her and she really likes him, but is really shy around guys.
Mr. V, what do you think of this situation? I told her to maybe get his number and make conversation with him just to get to know him better, but I don't think it would be enough help for her.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Ms. Wolffy, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Despite her shyness, she has to take some action, make some gesture that pushes herself a little and gives her some opportunities. So, no matter what advice she gets, she still is the one that has to take the steps to change.
I suggest that you work with her to take a baby step. That is, to do something that changes things a little bit, and asks her to push herself a little bit. One such thing, for example, is to start greeting boys she likes using their names ("Hi, Jim") and a friendly smile. If she can't even do that, there's not much anyone else can do to help her.
Maybe asking for this boy's phone number is too much for her, but since he invited her for bowling, she now has a good opportunity to invite him to something as a way to "make it up to him."
Baby steps! Tell her to take a baby step.
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello Mr. V :),
This is not for me for once lolz, this question is for my bff who doesn't know about this site and she really needs my help.
To begin with, it surprised me that she was starting to think about boys this year since last year, she showed no interest. She hasn't had a boyfriend in 6 years and she doesn't know why. She's pretty, smart, funny, active, and is a good person, yet she hasn't been able to attract any guy. However, there is this one guy who is on the tennis team with her and his name is LB. She's a senior in high school and he's a sophmore and that's making a huge doubt in her book. Last year, they couldn't stand to even be around each other and now they give each other hugs and flirt with each other. Prom is coming up and she's the only one in our group who doesn't have a date and she wants to ask him, but the fact that he's younger is making her not ask him. Friday, she dressed up really nice and pretty (she dyed her hair black and it made her look 10x better than before) and he came over and gave her a hug...but all the time he was standing next to her, they didn't say a word to each other which wasn't like him according to her. He jokes around and is filled with things to talk about with her, but when they were next to each other and with our group, he was quiet. Later that day, he invited her to go bowling with the other tennis team, but she already had plans...By what she tells me, he seems to like her and she really likes him, but is really shy around guys.
Mr. V, what do you think of this situation? I told her to maybe get his number and make conversation with him just to get to know him better, but I don't think it would be enough help for her.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Ms. Wolffy, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Despite her shyness, she has to take some action, make some gesture that pushes herself a little and gives her some opportunities. So, no matter what advice she gets, she still is the one that has to take the steps to change.
I suggest that you work with her to take a baby step. That is, to do something that changes things a little bit, and asks her to push herself a little bit. One such thing, for example, is to start greeting boys she likes using their names ("Hi, Jim") and a friendly smile. If she can't even do that, there's not much anyone else can do to help her.
Maybe asking for this boy's phone number is too much for her, but since he invited her for bowling, she now has a good opportunity to invite him to something as a way to "make it up to him."
Baby steps! Tell her to take a baby step.
I've never been kissed before
By: Lucy
Age: 18
Location: Canada
Question: Hi Victor, I'm not that much of a "Love" expert at all, I tend to be really shy around boys hence finding it hard to talk.
The things is I've been speaking with a guy lately for several weeks now which is definitely something new as I've never done so before.
The problem is a friend of mine (not intentionally of course) that's very close to him as they've known each other for years told him I've never been kissed before and that he should take care of me.
Now, he replied back that the fact I've never kissed anyone before is "Sweet" but I was curious (plus extremely nervous I must add) what does the majority of guys think about this? Do they find it good or maybe dull? I understand it's quite relative as it all depends on each one's personality.
And (I'm very sorry for the length) ever since he figured that out he's been asking me about my summer, asking me questions related to friends and mainly socials. Maybe he wants to find out whether I've received a kiss?
Thank you very much in advance and again, I apologize for the length of the matter
VictorM's advice:
It's simple: the less sexual experience a girl has (and that includes kissing), the more pleased most guys would be. So, unless he's a very unusual guy, your lack of experience is a plus. A strong plus, in fact.
He's asking you questions because guys like to know as much as possible about a girl before considering their next move. So, at a minimum, he's trying to learn more about you. What is next move is I can't say.
Age: 18
Location: Canada
Question: Hi Victor, I'm not that much of a "Love" expert at all, I tend to be really shy around boys hence finding it hard to talk.
The things is I've been speaking with a guy lately for several weeks now which is definitely something new as I've never done so before.
The problem is a friend of mine (not intentionally of course) that's very close to him as they've known each other for years told him I've never been kissed before and that he should take care of me.
Now, he replied back that the fact I've never kissed anyone before is "Sweet" but I was curious (plus extremely nervous I must add) what does the majority of guys think about this? Do they find it good or maybe dull? I understand it's quite relative as it all depends on each one's personality.
And (I'm very sorry for the length) ever since he figured that out he's been asking me about my summer, asking me questions related to friends and mainly socials. Maybe he wants to find out whether I've received a kiss?
Thank you very much in advance and again, I apologize for the length of the matter
VictorM's advice:
It's simple: the less sexual experience a girl has (and that includes kissing), the more pleased most guys would be. So, unless he's a very unusual guy, your lack of experience is a plus. A strong plus, in fact.
He's asking you questions because guys like to know as much as possible about a girl before considering their next move. So, at a minimum, he's trying to learn more about you. What is next move is I can't say.
4 months after we started our relationship i became pregnant
By: amber
Age: 20
Location: ga
Question: ok i have been with this guy who is a year and a half younger than me for 3 years now...4 months after we started our relationship i became pregnant with our now 18 month old daughter...while i was pregnant he cheated on me twice...once 2 weeks before our daughter was born...we have recently had some issues and can't live together at the moment so we live 3 hours from each other but i still go see him at least once a week...about a week ago he had his mother bring him to the town i live in and told her he was coming to see me and our daughter...i met her at a waffle house to pick him to spend some time with him...a few hours later i dropped him off at a friends house and for 2 days i didn't hear from him...when he finally did call he told me we was at a Superbowl party and told his mother he went to a different town with friends...i accused him of cheating after he called and broke up with me because i asked him who he was lying to and why...i sat and wondered the whole time if he was cheating again...i love him so much and i want it to work but now he won't talk to me and when i ask if he wants to hang out or do something together with our daughter he says no but still calls me to see if i can take him home. i have no clue what is on his mind...does he have another girl? is he feeling guilty if he cheated? i don't understand and it's really hurting me...PLEASE HELP!!!
VictorM's advice:
If you go on accusing him of cheating, without having much of a basis for saying it, nothing good is going to come from it. Besides, so what if he cheated, what are you going to do about it? He's cheated before, more than once, and not much happened. You're just raising your blood pressure, and his, for no good reason.
You say you want to work things out, but accusing him of cheating isn't the way to do it. The only weapon who have is to make his time with you pleasant and fun; what he does when he's not with you is not something you can control.
Be nice or get out -- those are your options.
Age: 20
Location: ga
Question: ok i have been with this guy who is a year and a half younger than me for 3 years now...4 months after we started our relationship i became pregnant with our now 18 month old daughter...while i was pregnant he cheated on me twice...once 2 weeks before our daughter was born...we have recently had some issues and can't live together at the moment so we live 3 hours from each other but i still go see him at least once a week...about a week ago he had his mother bring him to the town i live in and told her he was coming to see me and our daughter...i met her at a waffle house to pick him to spend some time with him...a few hours later i dropped him off at a friends house and for 2 days i didn't hear from him...when he finally did call he told me we was at a Superbowl party and told his mother he went to a different town with friends...i accused him of cheating after he called and broke up with me because i asked him who he was lying to and why...i sat and wondered the whole time if he was cheating again...i love him so much and i want it to work but now he won't talk to me and when i ask if he wants to hang out or do something together with our daughter he says no but still calls me to see if i can take him home. i have no clue what is on his mind...does he have another girl? is he feeling guilty if he cheated? i don't understand and it's really hurting me...PLEASE HELP!!!
VictorM's advice:
If you go on accusing him of cheating, without having much of a basis for saying it, nothing good is going to come from it. Besides, so what if he cheated, what are you going to do about it? He's cheated before, more than once, and not much happened. You're just raising your blood pressure, and his, for no good reason.
You say you want to work things out, but accusing him of cheating isn't the way to do it. The only weapon who have is to make his time with you pleasant and fun; what he does when he's not with you is not something you can control.
Be nice or get out -- those are your options.
Message for Roxy, in LA
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Confidential to josie in the united kingdom
I read your whole submission but I'm afraid your question is out of my domain and over my head.
I wish I could understand why so many females seem to have what I call "the self-pride chromosome" missing, which allows them to want to continue to see guys that crapped all over them time and time again. But it's beyond me.
If you can afford it, try to see a professional therapist to help you deal.
I wish I could understand why so many females seem to have what I call "the self-pride chromosome" missing, which allows them to want to continue to see guys that crapped all over them time and time again. But it's beyond me.
If you can afford it, try to see a professional therapist to help you deal.
is this normal conversation between JUST friends?
By: jenna
Age: 17
Location: florida
Question: is this normal conversation between JUST friends?
my good guy friend and i started a conversation. a lot of what we talked about was personal questions we had for each other..like: what is the most important part of a relationship, biggest fears and regrets, where we would want to honeymoon..and what got me was that he asked me if the world was to end in 2012 if i'd get married. i said i didn't know because i would have to have a person i'd want to be with. to which he responded would you marry me?...what is this supposed to mean also considering that he thinks of me as part of his family since we can talk about these things..and we have hugged before in school but we didn't really have much physical contact besides a few high fives
VictorM's advice:
That is normal conversation between friends of the opposite sex when the guy finds you attractive and has sexual fantasies with you, even if he's not willing, or courageous enough, to do anything about it now.
Age: 17
Location: florida
Question: is this normal conversation between JUST friends?
my good guy friend and i started a conversation. a lot of what we talked about was personal questions we had for each other..like: what is the most important part of a relationship, biggest fears and regrets, where we would want to honeymoon..and what got me was that he asked me if the world was to end in 2012 if i'd get married. i said i didn't know because i would have to have a person i'd want to be with. to which he responded would you marry me?...what is this supposed to mean also considering that he thinks of me as part of his family since we can talk about these things..and we have hugged before in school but we didn't really have much physical contact besides a few high fives
VictorM's advice:
That is normal conversation between friends of the opposite sex when the guy finds you attractive and has sexual fantasies with you, even if he's not willing, or courageous enough, to do anything about it now.
he doesn't have enough time for me
By: lae
Age: 17
Question: okay, i have no one else to talk to and i'm just really confused as to whether i should stay with my boyfriend or not. lately, i've been feeling like he doesn't have enough time for me. we only see each other once a week, sometimes not at all, and he's made it a policy to only have real phone conversations on weekends. every time i try to call him on weekends, he always says he's tired from sports or work or whatever. i know it's not his fault for being busy, but i feel like he keeps adding more obligations to his life that he forgets that he needs to dedicate some time to me. every time i tell him about this, he says im being over dramatic or that i don't understand. i do get it, it's just that i feel like i'm on the end of his list of priorities. he also usually chooses to go to drinking parties with his friends rather than spend time with me. i feel jealous and possessive but that's only begun ever since he's been treating me like this. am i wrong for feeling this way? should i be understanding or should i draw the line here? if i do break up with him, what can i say to make it be a proper one? i don't want us to end on bad terms.
VictorM's advice:
Being low on his priority list, and having him tell you that you just being over dramatic, would be good enough reasons to break up with him, but chances are that you're not ready to do that.
But if you want things to change, you need to make changes in your own behavior and deal with his behavior differently than you are now. And the first thing you need to do is stop "begging" for his attention. Guys can get very cocky if they feel the girl is at his beck and call. They are more likely to take her for granted if this is the case.
You need to stop calling him, and when he says he's going to go drinking with his pals, say: "Oh, that's good because my friend and I were planning to go to the mall, so this is great. Have fun with your friend, honey." After the party, just ask him if he had a good time, and tell him how great a time you had with your friend.
Now, I'm not asking you to lie; I'm saying make friends, plan things with them, find new hobbies, get busy yourself with things that are fun.
I can assure you, the more he sees you being happy and busy without him, the more time he'll make for you. But you don't do just that now, and not just with this guy; you do it for the rest of your life, no matter whom you're dating.
Being clingy and dependent is a huge turn off and it makes you a prisoner of your own poor habits -- break those bad habits starting NOW!!!
Age: 17
Question: okay, i have no one else to talk to and i'm just really confused as to whether i should stay with my boyfriend or not. lately, i've been feeling like he doesn't have enough time for me. we only see each other once a week, sometimes not at all, and he's made it a policy to only have real phone conversations on weekends. every time i try to call him on weekends, he always says he's tired from sports or work or whatever. i know it's not his fault for being busy, but i feel like he keeps adding more obligations to his life that he forgets that he needs to dedicate some time to me. every time i tell him about this, he says im being over dramatic or that i don't understand. i do get it, it's just that i feel like i'm on the end of his list of priorities. he also usually chooses to go to drinking parties with his friends rather than spend time with me. i feel jealous and possessive but that's only begun ever since he's been treating me like this. am i wrong for feeling this way? should i be understanding or should i draw the line here? if i do break up with him, what can i say to make it be a proper one? i don't want us to end on bad terms.
VictorM's advice:
Being low on his priority list, and having him tell you that you just being over dramatic, would be good enough reasons to break up with him, but chances are that you're not ready to do that.
But if you want things to change, you need to make changes in your own behavior and deal with his behavior differently than you are now. And the first thing you need to do is stop "begging" for his attention. Guys can get very cocky if they feel the girl is at his beck and call. They are more likely to take her for granted if this is the case.
You need to stop calling him, and when he says he's going to go drinking with his pals, say: "Oh, that's good because my friend and I were planning to go to the mall, so this is great. Have fun with your friend, honey." After the party, just ask him if he had a good time, and tell him how great a time you had with your friend.
Now, I'm not asking you to lie; I'm saying make friends, plan things with them, find new hobbies, get busy yourself with things that are fun.
I can assure you, the more he sees you being happy and busy without him, the more time he'll make for you. But you don't do just that now, and not just with this guy; you do it for the rest of your life, no matter whom you're dating.
Being clingy and dependent is a huge turn off and it makes you a prisoner of your own poor habits -- break those bad habits starting NOW!!!
how do I tell him that I want him to be more aggressive?
By: Determined
Age: 32
Location: OH
Question: My fiancé is very nice and considerate and holds all the qualities I admire in a man. My question is how do I tell him that I want him to be more aggressive and in charge in the bedroom without hurting his ego? I’ve been married before and the sex was amazing and relationship was horrible. Now I have the opposite. I’m not too crazy and not looking for bondage or any fetishes, I’m just looking for a man to take control and be a man. To let me know that every now and again he has to have me.
VictorM's advice:
If you are worried about his ego, then don't tell him. You are better off beating around the bush.
There are several reasons why some men behave as he does: it could be an off shoot of current societal norms that paint the man as a chauvinist if he's too aggressive with women, sexually or otherwise; some men have a hard time determining the limits they shouldn't cross, so often they prefer to not even try; some, when they are in love, see sex as an act of lovemaking and stick to being tender and deferential to when and what the woman wants it.
Even if you were to tell him to be more aggressive, he still wouldn't know what to do and what your limits are. It's best to lead the way in a manner that makes it exploratory for both of you.
I realize this may not be exactly what you're looking for, but I'll use it as an example. Say you'd like him to spank your butt... you could say: "spank my butt," but sounds like an order, or he could think you're just reliving prior sexual experiences, which could be a negative distraction. A more cautions approach is to say that you feel like trying something new, and if he's up to it. Of course he's going to say yes (if he doesn't, dump this guy NOW! :)) Ask him to spank your butt lightly... you then can react with pleasure and say... a bit harder, etc. until you're getting what you want. He now has a better idea of what you like. You can do the same with biting, pulling your hair, using sex toys together, or anything else you desire.
Your question suggests that you may not be only after these types of things as much as you're asking for him to take the initiative more often. I think you have to start by establishing that you don't see sex purely as love making, at least not all the time; that indeed you see it also in terms of a more raw animal instinct. That is, you may need to lead for a while, by being more adventuresome, more risque, for him to get the message. At some point, you can pass the baton to him because he'll have a better idea of your preferences and limits are.
Just one more point: whatever you do, never, never, never, never, NEVER repeat to him what you told us here: that the sex with your ex was amazing. Never!
Age: 32
Location: OH
Question: My fiancé is very nice and considerate and holds all the qualities I admire in a man. My question is how do I tell him that I want him to be more aggressive and in charge in the bedroom without hurting his ego? I’ve been married before and the sex was amazing and relationship was horrible. Now I have the opposite. I’m not too crazy and not looking for bondage or any fetishes, I’m just looking for a man to take control and be a man. To let me know that every now and again he has to have me.
VictorM's advice:
If you are worried about his ego, then don't tell him. You are better off beating around the bush.
There are several reasons why some men behave as he does: it could be an off shoot of current societal norms that paint the man as a chauvinist if he's too aggressive with women, sexually or otherwise; some men have a hard time determining the limits they shouldn't cross, so often they prefer to not even try; some, when they are in love, see sex as an act of lovemaking and stick to being tender and deferential to when and what the woman wants it.
Even if you were to tell him to be more aggressive, he still wouldn't know what to do and what your limits are. It's best to lead the way in a manner that makes it exploratory for both of you.
I realize this may not be exactly what you're looking for, but I'll use it as an example. Say you'd like him to spank your butt... you could say: "spank my butt," but sounds like an order, or he could think you're just reliving prior sexual experiences, which could be a negative distraction. A more cautions approach is to say that you feel like trying something new, and if he's up to it. Of course he's going to say yes (if he doesn't, dump this guy NOW! :)) Ask him to spank your butt lightly... you then can react with pleasure and say... a bit harder, etc. until you're getting what you want. He now has a better idea of what you like. You can do the same with biting, pulling your hair, using sex toys together, or anything else you desire.
Your question suggests that you may not be only after these types of things as much as you're asking for him to take the initiative more often. I think you have to start by establishing that you don't see sex purely as love making, at least not all the time; that indeed you see it also in terms of a more raw animal instinct. That is, you may need to lead for a while, by being more adventuresome, more risque, for him to get the message. At some point, you can pass the baton to him because he'll have a better idea of your preferences and limits are.
Just one more point: whatever you do, never, never, never, never, NEVER repeat to him what you told us here: that the sex with your ex was amazing. Never!
I'm a bit chubby
By: Lera
Age: 14
Location: Seoul, Korea
Question: So there is this guy I like but the problem is that he's a senior and I'm a freshman. I've had a crush on him for a while. I used to be so nervous I couldn't even talk around him but now I guess I'm not so nervous anymore. But I don't think he's interested. I'm not exactly the pretty type and you can say that I'm a bit chubby. But we have so much in common. We love basketball, rock, games, and so much more. But I think he only sees me as a friend. He does joke around with me sometimes. Just the other day, I offered him some of my chips and he took the whole bag and started waving it up in the air so I can't reach it. That was the first time he got so playful with me. But there is this one girl. We'll call her Amy. Amy's a junior and she takes 2 classes with him. All three of us are in student council. I have a feeling he has a thing for her but I'm only about 20% sure. Even when he did that chips-in-the-air thing, she was around. I get so paranoid about her I start to think too much into things. Do you think I should just give up on him and be friends or pursue him? Sorry for the more-than-necessary details.
Thanks,
Lera
VictorM's advice:
You should not give up. Guys are a lot less picky about a girl's weight than most girls think (that's cause you read all those crummy girly magazines). This is what's most important: to feel good about himself when he's around you.
If you make him feel smart, funny, and sexy around you, you stand a better chance. Guys love to talk about things they like to a girl who'll listen. Your job is to find out what that is, and then ask questions and listen attentively to what he has to say. And then pay him simple, sincere compliments, like: "wow, you made that so easy to understand," "You made that so fascinating," "that shirt looks very nice on you," things like that.
Now, if you go out there and do those things without overdoing them, you're gonna kick Amy's ass all over the place.
Age: 14
Location: Seoul, Korea
Question: So there is this guy I like but the problem is that he's a senior and I'm a freshman. I've had a crush on him for a while. I used to be so nervous I couldn't even talk around him but now I guess I'm not so nervous anymore. But I don't think he's interested. I'm not exactly the pretty type and you can say that I'm a bit chubby. But we have so much in common. We love basketball, rock, games, and so much more. But I think he only sees me as a friend. He does joke around with me sometimes. Just the other day, I offered him some of my chips and he took the whole bag and started waving it up in the air so I can't reach it. That was the first time he got so playful with me. But there is this one girl. We'll call her Amy. Amy's a junior and she takes 2 classes with him. All three of us are in student council. I have a feeling he has a thing for her but I'm only about 20% sure. Even when he did that chips-in-the-air thing, she was around. I get so paranoid about her I start to think too much into things. Do you think I should just give up on him and be friends or pursue him? Sorry for the more-than-necessary details.
Thanks,
Lera
VictorM's advice:
You should not give up. Guys are a lot less picky about a girl's weight than most girls think (that's cause you read all those crummy girly magazines). This is what's most important: to feel good about himself when he's around you.
If you make him feel smart, funny, and sexy around you, you stand a better chance. Guys love to talk about things they like to a girl who'll listen. Your job is to find out what that is, and then ask questions and listen attentively to what he has to say. And then pay him simple, sincere compliments, like: "wow, you made that so easy to understand," "You made that so fascinating," "that shirt looks very nice on you," things like that.
Now, if you go out there and do those things without overdoing them, you're gonna kick Amy's ass all over the place.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
"oh I'd marry him."
By: Ashley
Age: 21
Location: Anaheim, CA
Question: I've been friends with this guy for years, and we've always had some kind of thing for each other, but never dated.
We were talking one day, and the friend who had introduced him to me came up, and I joked and said something like "oh I'd marry him."
Well, he got really upset, and asked me to stop saying that, because he could "maybe handle the thought of me marrying someone else other than him, just not our friend." Then he said, "Let's agree not to marry anyone right now unless it's to each other."
This confuses the hell out of me, because he has a girlfriend right now, that he's been with for about 4 months. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means nothing. Really.
His comment about you saying "I'd marry him" could be because he thinks the guy is a dick, or it could be just typical territorial reaction, which guys commonly do.
As to his comment about you two marrying... it's just a statement reflective of his physical attraction to you, which you are aware of. It doesn't mean anything, really. At most, it's flattery.
Age: 21
Location: Anaheim, CA
Question: I've been friends with this guy for years, and we've always had some kind of thing for each other, but never dated.
We were talking one day, and the friend who had introduced him to me came up, and I joked and said something like "oh I'd marry him."
Well, he got really upset, and asked me to stop saying that, because he could "maybe handle the thought of me marrying someone else other than him, just not our friend." Then he said, "Let's agree not to marry anyone right now unless it's to each other."
This confuses the hell out of me, because he has a girlfriend right now, that he's been with for about 4 months. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means nothing. Really.
His comment about you saying "I'd marry him" could be because he thinks the guy is a dick, or it could be just typical territorial reaction, which guys commonly do.
As to his comment about you two marrying... it's just a statement reflective of his physical attraction to you, which you are aware of. It doesn't mean anything, really. At most, it's flattery.
he kisses me twice and tells me to keep texting him
By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, Thanks for all the advice :)
I've got another question for you. I met this guy through one of my friends and I knew he had relationship issues, like his ex cheated on him during their relationship. He told me he didn't want a relationship at the moment, which was fine, but then started asking me to hang out and kissing me and just acting all cozy. Well long story short, he's suddenly backed off saying he's not ready for one, while he kisses me twice and tells me to keep texting him and make sure that we still hang out and if we kiss sometimes, it's ok cause he wants to keep it slow. So I'm confused as to his behavior.
VictorM's advice:
It's not that confusing: he's doing what he needs to do to sooth is wounded ego. What he's doing with you, he's doing for himself.
His actions are typical of what's commonly referred to as "being on the rebound." You're a landing pad for him to bounce back. There's no malice and he's not "using" you in the traditional sense, as I'm sure his intentions aren't premeditated. All he knows is he feels better about himself doing those things (kissing you, getting your attention, etc.) but they are not signs that he's interested in you beyond that.
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, Thanks for all the advice :)
I've got another question for you. I met this guy through one of my friends and I knew he had relationship issues, like his ex cheated on him during their relationship. He told me he didn't want a relationship at the moment, which was fine, but then started asking me to hang out and kissing me and just acting all cozy. Well long story short, he's suddenly backed off saying he's not ready for one, while he kisses me twice and tells me to keep texting him and make sure that we still hang out and if we kiss sometimes, it's ok cause he wants to keep it slow. So I'm confused as to his behavior.
VictorM's advice:
It's not that confusing: he's doing what he needs to do to sooth is wounded ego. What he's doing with you, he's doing for himself.
His actions are typical of what's commonly referred to as "being on the rebound." You're a landing pad for him to bounce back. There's no malice and he's not "using" you in the traditional sense, as I'm sure his intentions aren't premeditated. All he knows is he feels better about himself doing those things (kissing you, getting your attention, etc.) but they are not signs that he's interested in you beyond that.
we kinda flirt some when we talk and stuff
By: Kate
Age: 18
Location: US
Question: Hello =)
So, I have this friend and we kinda flirt some when we talk and stuff. Lately he's been giving me silly-cute presents, like chocolate and such, you know.
I've been wondering if he's just being nice or if you think there's something else behind it.
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
There's something behind it. He probably just noticed your boobs. He's no fool. Gifts are a key to enter that kingdom.
Seriously, it could be a developing romantic attraction. The flirting is not meaningful, as guys flirt to please themselves, but the buying of things for you, which imply thinking of you when you're not together, is a stronger sign of interest.
Age: 18
Location: US
Question: Hello =)
So, I have this friend and we kinda flirt some when we talk and stuff. Lately he's been giving me silly-cute presents, like chocolate and such, you know.
I've been wondering if he's just being nice or if you think there's something else behind it.
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
There's something behind it. He probably just noticed your boobs. He's no fool. Gifts are a key to enter that kingdom.
Seriously, it could be a developing romantic attraction. The flirting is not meaningful, as guys flirt to please themselves, but the buying of things for you, which imply thinking of you when you're not together, is a stronger sign of interest.
This one has me so baffled
By: Michelle
Age: 31
Location: PA
Question: I really need your help. This one has me so baffled. I have been dating a guy for 5 months now. About 2 months in, he pulled a disappearing act for 2 weeks, didn't answer my calls or text me back and then he insisted that I meet him so he could talk to me. He told me he was hanging out with his ex, and nothing happened, but he realized that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore and he really liked me a whole lot and wanted to still be dating me. I decided to give him another shot and things were going well, but not great because he has this complete aversion to the phone. We see each other every weekend and spend at least one night together, but he is horrible about calling or texting me back. I explained to him how it makes me feel and this weekend he apologized and told me he really sucks at phone communication but he doesn't want me to be hurt by it because he really cares about me. He is on the phone all day at his job and the last thing he wants to do when he comes home is talk to people on the phone. He explained that he thinks that relationships are built on trust so I should feel free to stop by his apartment any time I want and he thinks our problem is that we don't have any structure? What the heck does that mean? We have not officially agreed to an exclusive relationship. He says that he is scared and I am too. We have both been burned in the past. He talks about the future with me and is so amazing in every other way. It just seems like he has me on a string. I am totally falling for him, but I don't want to be played. Should I just ask him what we are and call him on it? I don't want to be friends with benefits, I want a situation that is going somewhere. Thanks in advance.
VictorM's advice:
There was love and happiness before phones and text. And even the crummiest of people can use phone and text to manipulate people. Using that as a measuring tools sounds utterly silly to me.
Anytime you do girlfriend-like things with a guy who is not your boyfriend, you'll get screwed. So either stop doing them or establish your relationship clearly.
Both of your fears are irrational and meaningless if you're planning to keep seeing each other. Either you are ready for a relationship -- and if so, act like it -- or you're not, in which case you shouldn't be acting like you are. Of course, a casual dating period to help you to know each other is always a good idea, but you're way past that point now.
My suspicion, as it seems to be his, is that you don't trust him. And if that's so, don't mislead yourself into believing it's some other fear. You have reason to be skeptical after that two week disappearing act. But you have to face it head on, not hide under some made up fear.
You know, going steady is not a death sentence. If it's not working out, you break it off.
Age: 31
Location: PA
Question: I really need your help. This one has me so baffled. I have been dating a guy for 5 months now. About 2 months in, he pulled a disappearing act for 2 weeks, didn't answer my calls or text me back and then he insisted that I meet him so he could talk to me. He told me he was hanging out with his ex, and nothing happened, but he realized that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore and he really liked me a whole lot and wanted to still be dating me. I decided to give him another shot and things were going well, but not great because he has this complete aversion to the phone. We see each other every weekend and spend at least one night together, but he is horrible about calling or texting me back. I explained to him how it makes me feel and this weekend he apologized and told me he really sucks at phone communication but he doesn't want me to be hurt by it because he really cares about me. He is on the phone all day at his job and the last thing he wants to do when he comes home is talk to people on the phone. He explained that he thinks that relationships are built on trust so I should feel free to stop by his apartment any time I want and he thinks our problem is that we don't have any structure? What the heck does that mean? We have not officially agreed to an exclusive relationship. He says that he is scared and I am too. We have both been burned in the past. He talks about the future with me and is so amazing in every other way. It just seems like he has me on a string. I am totally falling for him, but I don't want to be played. Should I just ask him what we are and call him on it? I don't want to be friends with benefits, I want a situation that is going somewhere. Thanks in advance.
VictorM's advice:
There was love and happiness before phones and text. And even the crummiest of people can use phone and text to manipulate people. Using that as a measuring tools sounds utterly silly to me.
Anytime you do girlfriend-like things with a guy who is not your boyfriend, you'll get screwed. So either stop doing them or establish your relationship clearly.
Both of your fears are irrational and meaningless if you're planning to keep seeing each other. Either you are ready for a relationship -- and if so, act like it -- or you're not, in which case you shouldn't be acting like you are. Of course, a casual dating period to help you to know each other is always a good idea, but you're way past that point now.
My suspicion, as it seems to be his, is that you don't trust him. And if that's so, don't mislead yourself into believing it's some other fear. You have reason to be skeptical after that two week disappearing act. But you have to face it head on, not hide under some made up fear.
You know, going steady is not a death sentence. If it's not working out, you break it off.
Two of my guy friends want to set me up with their friend
By: Charlotte
Age: 25
Location: Chicago
Question: Two of my guy friends want to set me up with their friend. I think he is cute and they told him. He said I was cute too and messaged me on Facebook then left me hanging. I don't think i said anything bad... I even left him my number against my better judgment because my guy friend told me to but nothing...I don't get it! Why did he message me at all???
VictorM's advice:
I can think of several reasons: messaging you seemed like a good idea at the time, he had nothing to lose, he changed his mind since, someone that he was more interested in came along, at least he planted a seed, he'll get back to you at the right time for him, he was hit by a bus crossing the street, he ran out of minutes on his cell phone, he was on drugs that night, his friends were being too obnoxious about it so he did it to get them off his back, you didn't say anything bad but you didn't say anything exciting, etc. etc.
How long ago was this? If we're talking about days, he might still call you.
Age: 25
Location: Chicago
Question: Two of my guy friends want to set me up with their friend. I think he is cute and they told him. He said I was cute too and messaged me on Facebook then left me hanging. I don't think i said anything bad... I even left him my number against my better judgment because my guy friend told me to but nothing...I don't get it! Why did he message me at all???
VictorM's advice:
I can think of several reasons: messaging you seemed like a good idea at the time, he had nothing to lose, he changed his mind since, someone that he was more interested in came along, at least he planted a seed, he'll get back to you at the right time for him, he was hit by a bus crossing the street, he ran out of minutes on his cell phone, he was on drugs that night, his friends were being too obnoxious about it so he did it to get them off his back, you didn't say anything bad but you didn't say anything exciting, etc. etc.
How long ago was this? If we're talking about days, he might still call you.
A notice to some
I understand that people use fake names and make their location as general as possible, and that's fine with me. If, however, you say you're from India, but you really are in Australia, or if you use different names and/or locations and/or ages with each question, I'm more likely to skip your question when I receive more questions than I can answer.
Friday, February 12, 2010
he finally made a move and kissed me
By: Diane
Age: 22
Location: Chicago
Question: We have a large group of friends at college, and one of the guys in our group flirts with me every time we go out for drinks. We end up holding hands but that's about it considering all of our friends have been talking bad about us. Well, he finally made a move and kissed me, neither one of us were drunk but we were worried about what our friends would say considering in our group of friends, his ex gf, where they broke up 2 years ago and shes moved on, hangs out with all of us. So we decided to keep in under wraps and not tell anyone. A few days later he snuck out of his place and to my apt and we had a sleep over where we stayed up til 6:30 am talking as well as making out. He shows every interest in me, but I don't know if he is looking for a girl to have a good time with or a girlfriend because he talks about "our" future. I'm just a bit confused and I don't know whether I should just ask him?
VictorM's advice:
Let me tell you as strongly as I can that these "under wraps" arrangements are a mistake. You're not middle school kids anymore, for crying out loud, you're adults already. If his ex can't handle it, she can bolt the group. But secret arrangements almost always lead to heartache for the girl and bragging rights for the guy.
If you're not openly his girlfriend and he's not openly your boyfriend, don't do anything that friends-only wouldn't do, otherwise, you're going to get screwed.
Age: 22
Location: Chicago
Question: We have a large group of friends at college, and one of the guys in our group flirts with me every time we go out for drinks. We end up holding hands but that's about it considering all of our friends have been talking bad about us. Well, he finally made a move and kissed me, neither one of us were drunk but we were worried about what our friends would say considering in our group of friends, his ex gf, where they broke up 2 years ago and shes moved on, hangs out with all of us. So we decided to keep in under wraps and not tell anyone. A few days later he snuck out of his place and to my apt and we had a sleep over where we stayed up til 6:30 am talking as well as making out. He shows every interest in me, but I don't know if he is looking for a girl to have a good time with or a girlfriend because he talks about "our" future. I'm just a bit confused and I don't know whether I should just ask him?
VictorM's advice:
Let me tell you as strongly as I can that these "under wraps" arrangements are a mistake. You're not middle school kids anymore, for crying out loud, you're adults already. If his ex can't handle it, she can bolt the group. But secret arrangements almost always lead to heartache for the girl and bragging rights for the guy.
If you're not openly his girlfriend and he's not openly your boyfriend, don't do anything that friends-only wouldn't do, otherwise, you're going to get screwed.
he gave me his number, i gave mine
By: me (confidential)
Location: usa
Question: so i started talking about this in the forum but had another question. i met a guy online. he gave me his number, i gave mine. you told me to wait for him to call. well he did call me. we had a good long conversation. however, here's the problem. he said he's really busy for the next few weeks a needs to focus on work. but that he'd like to continue talking and that in a few weeks maybe we could meet. to me that seems a bit long. i wasn't sure if this a just a line that's not that interested, what do you think? thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Unless he works in caves, or mines, or submarines for weeks at a time, I'd say he's just trying to take things very slowly. Maybe too slowly.
See how it goes for the next few days. If the contacts start dwindling, or he's showing less interest, you can safely assume that he lost interest.
Location: usa
Question: so i started talking about this in the forum but had another question. i met a guy online. he gave me his number, i gave mine. you told me to wait for him to call. well he did call me. we had a good long conversation. however, here's the problem. he said he's really busy for the next few weeks a needs to focus on work. but that he'd like to continue talking and that in a few weeks maybe we could meet. to me that seems a bit long. i wasn't sure if this a just a line that's not that interested, what do you think? thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Unless he works in caves, or mines, or submarines for weeks at a time, I'd say he's just trying to take things very slowly. Maybe too slowly.
See how it goes for the next few days. If the contacts start dwindling, or he's showing less interest, you can safely assume that he lost interest.
"What's the homework, Kitty?"
By: Kitty
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Hey victor!! I'm back! Again!
Something happened. I don't know what. Sphnyx kinda hates me now and it's weird, but I don't mind that much. I wanted to ask you about Bobcat though, not Sphynx. Before I was playing hard to get, I used to come up to Bobcat and sit with him, now I just sit at my table. But ever since then, he's been coming up to me talking to me. I ran into him downtown and all I said was, "Hey," because I was kind of panicking. Well, I'll get to the question. He's been saying my name whenever he talks to me. For example instead of, "What's the homework?" He says, "What's the homework, Kitty?" He does it ALL the time and he never use to do it. Does this mean anything or am I just being paranoid?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not paranoid. Using your name is a sign of affection. I'm not saying he wants to have kittens with you already, but it's a good step in the right direction. And guys love hearing the sound of their own name coming from the lips of a girl, so make sure you use it from time to time. For example, "Hi, Bobcat" is more powerful than just "Hi."
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Hey victor!! I'm back! Again!
Something happened. I don't know what. Sphnyx kinda hates me now and it's weird, but I don't mind that much. I wanted to ask you about Bobcat though, not Sphynx. Before I was playing hard to get, I used to come up to Bobcat and sit with him, now I just sit at my table. But ever since then, he's been coming up to me talking to me. I ran into him downtown and all I said was, "Hey," because I was kind of panicking. Well, I'll get to the question. He's been saying my name whenever he talks to me. For example instead of, "What's the homework?" He says, "What's the homework, Kitty?" He does it ALL the time and he never use to do it. Does this mean anything or am I just being paranoid?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not paranoid. Using your name is a sign of affection. I'm not saying he wants to have kittens with you already, but it's a good step in the right direction. And guys love hearing the sound of their own name coming from the lips of a girl, so make sure you use it from time to time. For example, "Hi, Bobcat" is more powerful than just "Hi."
I met this 24-year old guy a year and a half ago
By: Sara
Age: 22
Question:
I met this 24-year old guy a year and a half ago. He is really quiet and shy so he never came up to speak to me. I still had the feeling he might be interested in me so after some time I started to say hi to him and talk to him. He seemed pleased with my efforts to establish a contact and even though he was too shy to speak or look me in the eye he did not shy away from my company but just stood there. Gradually he started opening himself to me. Three months later we were friends and we talked with each other more and he confided deep spiritual things to me.However, he was only like this when we were alone and in a public setting he often ignored me which made me really confused. I wrote to him and told him that I like his company and that he makes me feel safe and also that I don´t mind his shyness since I am shy myself. He wrote back to me and said he also likes my company because he finds it so easy to talk to me. He also asked me whether I´m attending a student evening.He sat down next to me and sat the entire evening by my side. We also talked and he had a warm interested look in his eyes while he listened to me and I knew he was really concentrated on me. After that he walked me home and since then we have taken the habit of walking home together. He always waits for me by the door or leaves when I leave. He is very attentive whenever I speak and incredibly polite and helpful with things that I need help with. I know he does not speak with other girls or treat them in the same way and in general he is seen alone, since he finds it difficult to speak to people. These last few weeks I have been abroad and we have talked three times on messenger for several hours.Our friendship has deepened all the time and we confide and trust in each other more than ever, and encourage each other if there is something difficult. He says he is happy to talk to me and shows more concern for my well-being and shows more feeling and trust and openness than ever. I have repeatedly told him straight that I really enjoy talking to him and that I look forward to seeing him again and that I´m fond of him. He always replies in the same way and once he sent me a heart (L). He has sometimes used the word "we" when referring to the near future reminding me of things I have promised to help him with when I come home. I have a gut feeling he is falling for me and I love him so dearly. Do you think he might start to love me?
VictorM's advice:
It's totally possible, likely even. But you have to realize that boys take a lot longer to fall in love with a girl, than a girl with a guy. Guys often start with a lot of enthusiasm, but that's often just lust. Real feelings take a while longer to develop. So be patient.
Age: 22
Question:
I met this 24-year old guy a year and a half ago. He is really quiet and shy so he never came up to speak to me. I still had the feeling he might be interested in me so after some time I started to say hi to him and talk to him. He seemed pleased with my efforts to establish a contact and even though he was too shy to speak or look me in the eye he did not shy away from my company but just stood there. Gradually he started opening himself to me. Three months later we were friends and we talked with each other more and he confided deep spiritual things to me.However, he was only like this when we were alone and in a public setting he often ignored me which made me really confused. I wrote to him and told him that I like his company and that he makes me feel safe and also that I don´t mind his shyness since I am shy myself. He wrote back to me and said he also likes my company because he finds it so easy to talk to me. He also asked me whether I´m attending a student evening.He sat down next to me and sat the entire evening by my side. We also talked and he had a warm interested look in his eyes while he listened to me and I knew he was really concentrated on me. After that he walked me home and since then we have taken the habit of walking home together. He always waits for me by the door or leaves when I leave. He is very attentive whenever I speak and incredibly polite and helpful with things that I need help with. I know he does not speak with other girls or treat them in the same way and in general he is seen alone, since he finds it difficult to speak to people. These last few weeks I have been abroad and we have talked three times on messenger for several hours.Our friendship has deepened all the time and we confide and trust in each other more than ever, and encourage each other if there is something difficult. He says he is happy to talk to me and shows more concern for my well-being and shows more feeling and trust and openness than ever. I have repeatedly told him straight that I really enjoy talking to him and that I look forward to seeing him again and that I´m fond of him. He always replies in the same way and once he sent me a heart (L). He has sometimes used the word "we" when referring to the near future reminding me of things I have promised to help him with when I come home. I have a gut feeling he is falling for me and I love him so dearly. Do you think he might start to love me?
VictorM's advice:
It's totally possible, likely even. But you have to realize that boys take a lot longer to fall in love with a girl, than a girl with a guy. Guys often start with a lot of enthusiasm, but that's often just lust. Real feelings take a while longer to develop. So be patient.
I put him on a pedestal
By: RACH
Age: 25
Location: NY
Question: Hi Victor, Ok so my question is, is there anyway you can tell if they guy Really likes you or just wants to fuck? I LIKE this guy A LOT. I put him on a pedestal because doing so makes me more excited about my life. I tend to not give enough signals to be more approachable though, making the guy confused and I even talk bout my old BF or just to spark a lil jealously. But this guy plays the game too so don't feel too bad for him. So I just need to find a happy medium between stand-offish and liking him... Any ideas??? Thanks so much!:)
VictorM's advice:
Playing games is just not a good idea. Trying to make a guy jealous is a rotten thing to do, not just to him but to yourself -- it will come back to haunt you. Stop doing that. And stop talking about other guys. Never do that.
Always be nice and friendly, but make yourself scarce from time to time if you want him to chase you. That's all. But it's important for the guy to feel good around you, otherwise, before you know it, he'll find someone.
What do I mean by nice but scarce? This: every time you see him or talk to him, smile and come across as pleased to be talking to him. But once in a while, be the first to say "I'd love to stay and chat but I have to go. See you around" and leave in a friendly way. Or, if he asks you to go somewhere say: "Oh I'd love to go, but I really can't. Maybe another time?" This way, you accomplish two important thing: you make him chase you while at the same time you encourage him to do it.
But please, stop playing those silly games.
Age: 25
Location: NY
Question: Hi Victor, Ok so my question is, is there anyway you can tell if they guy Really likes you or just wants to fuck? I LIKE this guy A LOT. I put him on a pedestal because doing so makes me more excited about my life. I tend to not give enough signals to be more approachable though, making the guy confused and I even talk bout my old BF or just to spark a lil jealously. But this guy plays the game too so don't feel too bad for him. So I just need to find a happy medium between stand-offish and liking him... Any ideas??? Thanks so much!:)
VictorM's advice:
Playing games is just not a good idea. Trying to make a guy jealous is a rotten thing to do, not just to him but to yourself -- it will come back to haunt you. Stop doing that. And stop talking about other guys. Never do that.
Always be nice and friendly, but make yourself scarce from time to time if you want him to chase you. That's all. But it's important for the guy to feel good around you, otherwise, before you know it, he'll find someone.
What do I mean by nice but scarce? This: every time you see him or talk to him, smile and come across as pleased to be talking to him. But once in a while, be the first to say "I'd love to stay and chat but I have to go. See you around" and leave in a friendly way. Or, if he asks you to go somewhere say: "Oh I'd love to go, but I really can't. Maybe another time?" This way, you accomplish two important thing: you make him chase you while at the same time you encourage him to do it.
But please, stop playing those silly games.
Have no clue as to what is going on
By: Roxy
Age: 27
Location: LA
Question: SO SO SO SO CONFUSED. PLEASE CLARIFY. PLEASE.
I need advice. Have no clue as to what is going on, and I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO ASK.
So heres the deal. In early Nov I went to a singles ski retreat in Mamoth with our local church. I really didnt find anyone interesting, and kept to myself.
But then I met this one guy, and he was Mr. Right on the downlow. He was perfect for me, but maybe not for someone else.
We hung out that weekend, and got to know each other. I really liked him, thought he was interested too. At the end of the trip, he asked for my number.
The next day I got a text saying he forgot to give me his number, and that we should hang out sometime. I said thanks, then deleted it. I usually don't call guys, wait for them to make the first move. He didn't call or text. And I forgot about him.
Then in mid January, out of the blue, I get a text aksing how I am. Turns out its Mr. Right.
I text him back, and he says hes at this thing, and he'll call me back later.
I end up going to a church lecture that night-- and he's there. That was the 'thing' he was at.
So he called that night, and the next, and then asked me out. I assumed, it was as friends, because if he was interested in me, he would have done that months ago. So I expect to meet up somewhere.
But he got my address, picked me up, was dressed nice. Pre planned where we were going and paid for everything.
Since then, we go out 1-2x a week. And he calls or text every day, or every other day. But he has not flirted, or made any moves.
ARE WE JUST HANGING OUT AS FRIENDS?
ARE WE DATING?
WHY DID HE WAIT SO LONG TO CALL ME?
WHY DID HE INITIALLY TEXT ME HIS NUMBER?
WHY DO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON?
I thought I could handle being friends or hanging out, but I like him too much. Can't deal with it.
Please help. I don't want to mess this up.
VictorM's advice:
What's happening is called "casual dating." You're seeing each other from time to time, with no obligations, no promises, no commitments. Guys love casual dating. Girls? Not so much, I gather. But for guys, it's a good way of getting to know a girl before taking a plunge into a relationship. Casual dating could lead to a relationship, or could lead nowhere.
I can't read his mind as to why he has not made any moves, but the common reason is he doesn't want to cross the line that suggests he's ready for a relationship. For most guys, that line is sex. It's generally accepted that after having sex with a girl, the "where are we headed?" conversation is expected to happen, so guys either avoid it or run for the hills after it. But depending on his upbringing and values, that line could be shy of sex. It could be oral sex, or making out, for example. So I think he's just playing by his rules and holding back on any sign of sexual tension until he's more sure of where he's willing to go with you.
By the way, this process is very common and is more likely to produce better results than jumping into a relationship too early. The one advice I offer is this: do not do girlfriend-like things with him until he's your boyfriend. Casual dates are not a steady couple.
Age: 27
Location: LA
Question: SO SO SO SO CONFUSED. PLEASE CLARIFY. PLEASE.
I need advice. Have no clue as to what is going on, and I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO ASK.
So heres the deal. In early Nov I went to a singles ski retreat in Mamoth with our local church. I really didnt find anyone interesting, and kept to myself.
But then I met this one guy, and he was Mr. Right on the downlow. He was perfect for me, but maybe not for someone else.
We hung out that weekend, and got to know each other. I really liked him, thought he was interested too. At the end of the trip, he asked for my number.
The next day I got a text saying he forgot to give me his number, and that we should hang out sometime. I said thanks, then deleted it. I usually don't call guys, wait for them to make the first move. He didn't call or text. And I forgot about him.
Then in mid January, out of the blue, I get a text aksing how I am. Turns out its Mr. Right.
I text him back, and he says hes at this thing, and he'll call me back later.
I end up going to a church lecture that night-- and he's there. That was the 'thing' he was at.
So he called that night, and the next, and then asked me out. I assumed, it was as friends, because if he was interested in me, he would have done that months ago. So I expect to meet up somewhere.
But he got my address, picked me up, was dressed nice. Pre planned where we were going and paid for everything.
Since then, we go out 1-2x a week. And he calls or text every day, or every other day. But he has not flirted, or made any moves.
ARE WE JUST HANGING OUT AS FRIENDS?
ARE WE DATING?
WHY DID HE WAIT SO LONG TO CALL ME?
WHY DID HE INITIALLY TEXT ME HIS NUMBER?
WHY DO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON?
I thought I could handle being friends or hanging out, but I like him too much. Can't deal with it.
Please help. I don't want to mess this up.
VictorM's advice:
What's happening is called "casual dating." You're seeing each other from time to time, with no obligations, no promises, no commitments. Guys love casual dating. Girls? Not so much, I gather. But for guys, it's a good way of getting to know a girl before taking a plunge into a relationship. Casual dating could lead to a relationship, or could lead nowhere.
I can't read his mind as to why he has not made any moves, but the common reason is he doesn't want to cross the line that suggests he's ready for a relationship. For most guys, that line is sex. It's generally accepted that after having sex with a girl, the "where are we headed?" conversation is expected to happen, so guys either avoid it or run for the hills after it. But depending on his upbringing and values, that line could be shy of sex. It could be oral sex, or making out, for example. So I think he's just playing by his rules and holding back on any sign of sexual tension until he's more sure of where he's willing to go with you.
By the way, this process is very common and is more likely to produce better results than jumping into a relationship too early. The one advice I offer is this: do not do girlfriend-like things with him until he's your boyfriend. Casual dates are not a steady couple.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
One night, we got drunk and hooked up
By: Jenn
Age: 23
Location: Pa
Question: So I have been friends with this guy I work with for about a year now. One night, we got drunk and hooked up. We decided to continue hooking up and eventually we had sex. So we agreed to be friends with benefits or whatever. That's been going on for about 2 weeks. I went away for a few days and when I came back I wanted to hangout. I keep asking him to hangout and he keeps saying maybe and then we don't hang, but then we'll talk on the phone for hours at night. Now honestly, I just kinda wanna get laid and hangout. But I feel like he's playing some sort of stupid game with me. I told him if he didn't wanna hook up anymore just to say so, and he knows me well enough to know I won't care, I just wanna know. But, he assures me he wants to keep hooking up. But we aren't hanging out. Is this kid fucking with me? like playing games with me? Or what? Whats going on? Should I just bail? He's still my friend so i don't know why hes pulling this on me. Help please.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure what kind of a game a guy who's choosing not to fuck you could be playing, but I don't know.
What seems quite obvious to me is how self-absorbed you are. As if the world revolves around your wishes, and if you want to fuck, damn it, he better want it too. Have you stopped for a second to consider that there could be other issues that have nothing to do with you to explain his situation?
He could be stressed, worry, sick, or who knows what else, that he doesn't feel is any of your business and somehow it's preventing him from feeling sexual desire right now? I mean, guys love sex, but we all have periods when our libido takes a dive. And unfortunately, we can't choose when it happens.
A lot of other things are possible, including he's lying about still wanting to hook with you. Maybe he's feeling the senselessness of sex for the sake of sex (I know, hard to believe, but it happens to some males).
One of the purposes of being just friends (with benefits or not) is that you don't have to feel a sense of obligation and commitment that a romantic relationship entails. Maybe he's just exercising that option of the deal for the time being.
Age: 23
Location: Pa
Question: So I have been friends with this guy I work with for about a year now. One night, we got drunk and hooked up. We decided to continue hooking up and eventually we had sex. So we agreed to be friends with benefits or whatever. That's been going on for about 2 weeks. I went away for a few days and when I came back I wanted to hangout. I keep asking him to hangout and he keeps saying maybe and then we don't hang, but then we'll talk on the phone for hours at night. Now honestly, I just kinda wanna get laid and hangout. But I feel like he's playing some sort of stupid game with me. I told him if he didn't wanna hook up anymore just to say so, and he knows me well enough to know I won't care, I just wanna know. But, he assures me he wants to keep hooking up. But we aren't hanging out. Is this kid fucking with me? like playing games with me? Or what? Whats going on? Should I just bail? He's still my friend so i don't know why hes pulling this on me. Help please.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure what kind of a game a guy who's choosing not to fuck you could be playing, but I don't know.
What seems quite obvious to me is how self-absorbed you are. As if the world revolves around your wishes, and if you want to fuck, damn it, he better want it too. Have you stopped for a second to consider that there could be other issues that have nothing to do with you to explain his situation?
He could be stressed, worry, sick, or who knows what else, that he doesn't feel is any of your business and somehow it's preventing him from feeling sexual desire right now? I mean, guys love sex, but we all have periods when our libido takes a dive. And unfortunately, we can't choose when it happens.
A lot of other things are possible, including he's lying about still wanting to hook with you. Maybe he's feeling the senselessness of sex for the sake of sex (I know, hard to believe, but it happens to some males).
One of the purposes of being just friends (with benefits or not) is that you don't have to feel a sense of obligation and commitment that a romantic relationship entails. Maybe he's just exercising that option of the deal for the time being.
I started a super intense long distance relationship
By: Amanda
Age: 19
Location: New York
Question: When I was 16 I started a super intense long distance relationship with a boy half way around the world. We were madly in love, and when we saw each other it was super passionate but we never had sex because I wanted to wait and he respected that.
After a year and a half I discovered he was also seeing a girl at his school and being devastated I broke up with him (this was one year ago). I never doubted his crazy love for me but didn't take him back because I decided I was also ready to date a local guy.
The first boyfriend, with my parents' help and support got a scholarship to come east for college - just an hour from me. He had always said he was still madly in love with me and wanted to reunite and I still had feelings for him. When I started college and broke up with the second boyfriend, I started talking to the first boyfriend about the possibility of giving it a second chance since he was close now. I told him I did not think I could handle a long distance exclusive commitment again, but I would be amenable to an open kind of thing where we would date others at our colleges and visit each other when we could. I also said that I was ready to take it to the next level sexually. He was agreeable and very excited about the idea and although he had started seeing someone at his college insisted that it was a casual thing and wouldn't interfere with us. Well gradually it did interfere -- he canceled plans to come to my house for the holidays saying the other girl would be jealous and he was worried because his peers at college told him he shouldn't visit an ex girlfriend.
It was all very confusing including him saying that he loved me so much, that things with that girl were not great and he would break up with her for me if I would commit to an exclusive thing. I said I still wasn't comfortable with that but we talked daily about getting together for my birthday. Then after spending two weeks with the girl and her family over winter break he suddenly canceled again and said we could only be friends. He made a few efforts that affirmed he still had feelings for me and then suddenly it all but stopped.
He barely calls, is unreliable in responding and says he is always busy. Since it's hard to believe his feelings could change so suddenly I suspect the girl gave him an ultimatum about not contacting me even as a friend. This is very sad for me: I always was sure what we had was a true love and now I'm confused. I thought we would get a second chance since we both wanted it and we didn't. Then I always assumed we would always be friends and now that's being destroyed by this girl. After almost three years, losing him completely is heartbreaking -- and I kept up a very loyal friendship with him throughout my entire second relationship.
Why would he give me up completely for a girl that he said was not that great? I get that she's right there and of course it's sexual, which he never had with me, but I was offering that possibility to him. Should I just bow out like this or still try to keep in touch? Does he still love me and is just with her because it's convenient? Will we ever have our second chance?
Thanks so much, sorry this is so long.
VictorM's advice:
Amanda, I got your two subsequent submissions. I'm not posting them as they would make this question far too long, but I read them both and thank you for the additional details.
Should you just bow out and exit his life? Yes. Why? Because the boy isn't into you anymore, and chances are that given all that happened, he'll never be. He probably just feels a combination of guilt and obligation, mainly because how well he was treated by you and your parents. Will you bow out? Probably not. Females have a hard time letting go, even when faced with blatant signs that things are over, because they twist and mangle the tiniest bits of information to give themselves hope, they blame anyone and everything but the guy, and even, as was your case, you claim to have found your "true love," you still had other boyfriends.
Now, in no particular order, some points:
Can a guy who seems so into you one day lose that interest just-like-that? Yes and no. Yes, it can appear that way to you but that's only because women are usually so self consumed and so into their own little fantasy world of "true love" and "the love of my life" and thinking that superficial acts are more meaningful than they really are, that they don't realize that the guy is slipping. And so, when a break up happens, to the woman is seems like overnight; to the guy, it was a long time coming. And in this sense, the answer is no, it didn't happen so suddenly. At some point, he gives up, and it all seems so sudden to the girl.
You are doing no one a service when you convince yourself that his attitude is the result of some other girl's influence, that she is the cause of the problems, somehow, as if he was powerless to do what he wants to do. He stays with her because he wants to, because he chooses to.
Tell me, why is it that you choose to believe the words of a liar? He cheated on you before under false pretenses. But now, you are convinced that he wouldn't lie to you. That defies logic. Don't you realize that him telling you she means little to him could be a lie? That he says those things just to not hurt your feelings? You are dealing with a liar, yet you want to conveniently forget that.
Look, guys can have sex with girls they don't even like. Guys like quantity. If a guy could have multiple girls, in every port, they would! He won't turn you down totally, especially now that you offered him sex. But he's got a solid, in the flesh girl now, and you're still mostly a digital one. Of course one hour away is not that much, which is why I'm convinced he's over you. But even when a guy loses interest in a girl, it doesn't mean he wants to hurt her, or that he no longer likes her. And so, he continues the dance of talking to you, praising you, but still choosing to stay with the other girl.
He keeps talking to you because he either doesn't want to be blunt with you or because you're still a possible lay. Or both. But the over the top attention you got in the beginning is gone. And staying friends is not an option. Once romantic interest was involved, or if one party is still into the other, friendship is impossible.
It's over! He's not into you. Stop wasting your time and your energy on him.
Age: 19
Location: New York
Question: When I was 16 I started a super intense long distance relationship with a boy half way around the world. We were madly in love, and when we saw each other it was super passionate but we never had sex because I wanted to wait and he respected that.
After a year and a half I discovered he was also seeing a girl at his school and being devastated I broke up with him (this was one year ago). I never doubted his crazy love for me but didn't take him back because I decided I was also ready to date a local guy.
The first boyfriend, with my parents' help and support got a scholarship to come east for college - just an hour from me. He had always said he was still madly in love with me and wanted to reunite and I still had feelings for him. When I started college and broke up with the second boyfriend, I started talking to the first boyfriend about the possibility of giving it a second chance since he was close now. I told him I did not think I could handle a long distance exclusive commitment again, but I would be amenable to an open kind of thing where we would date others at our colleges and visit each other when we could. I also said that I was ready to take it to the next level sexually. He was agreeable and very excited about the idea and although he had started seeing someone at his college insisted that it was a casual thing and wouldn't interfere with us. Well gradually it did interfere -- he canceled plans to come to my house for the holidays saying the other girl would be jealous and he was worried because his peers at college told him he shouldn't visit an ex girlfriend.
It was all very confusing including him saying that he loved me so much, that things with that girl were not great and he would break up with her for me if I would commit to an exclusive thing. I said I still wasn't comfortable with that but we talked daily about getting together for my birthday. Then after spending two weeks with the girl and her family over winter break he suddenly canceled again and said we could only be friends. He made a few efforts that affirmed he still had feelings for me and then suddenly it all but stopped.
He barely calls, is unreliable in responding and says he is always busy. Since it's hard to believe his feelings could change so suddenly I suspect the girl gave him an ultimatum about not contacting me even as a friend. This is very sad for me: I always was sure what we had was a true love and now I'm confused. I thought we would get a second chance since we both wanted it and we didn't. Then I always assumed we would always be friends and now that's being destroyed by this girl. After almost three years, losing him completely is heartbreaking -- and I kept up a very loyal friendship with him throughout my entire second relationship.
Why would he give me up completely for a girl that he said was not that great? I get that she's right there and of course it's sexual, which he never had with me, but I was offering that possibility to him. Should I just bow out like this or still try to keep in touch? Does he still love me and is just with her because it's convenient? Will we ever have our second chance?
Thanks so much, sorry this is so long.
VictorM's advice:
Amanda, I got your two subsequent submissions. I'm not posting them as they would make this question far too long, but I read them both and thank you for the additional details.
Should you just bow out and exit his life? Yes. Why? Because the boy isn't into you anymore, and chances are that given all that happened, he'll never be. He probably just feels a combination of guilt and obligation, mainly because how well he was treated by you and your parents. Will you bow out? Probably not. Females have a hard time letting go, even when faced with blatant signs that things are over, because they twist and mangle the tiniest bits of information to give themselves hope, they blame anyone and everything but the guy, and even, as was your case, you claim to have found your "true love," you still had other boyfriends.
Now, in no particular order, some points:
Can a guy who seems so into you one day lose that interest just-like-that? Yes and no. Yes, it can appear that way to you but that's only because women are usually so self consumed and so into their own little fantasy world of "true love" and "the love of my life" and thinking that superficial acts are more meaningful than they really are, that they don't realize that the guy is slipping. And so, when a break up happens, to the woman is seems like overnight; to the guy, it was a long time coming. And in this sense, the answer is no, it didn't happen so suddenly. At some point, he gives up, and it all seems so sudden to the girl.
You are doing no one a service when you convince yourself that his attitude is the result of some other girl's influence, that she is the cause of the problems, somehow, as if he was powerless to do what he wants to do. He stays with her because he wants to, because he chooses to.
Tell me, why is it that you choose to believe the words of a liar? He cheated on you before under false pretenses. But now, you are convinced that he wouldn't lie to you. That defies logic. Don't you realize that him telling you she means little to him could be a lie? That he says those things just to not hurt your feelings? You are dealing with a liar, yet you want to conveniently forget that.
Look, guys can have sex with girls they don't even like. Guys like quantity. If a guy could have multiple girls, in every port, they would! He won't turn you down totally, especially now that you offered him sex. But he's got a solid, in the flesh girl now, and you're still mostly a digital one. Of course one hour away is not that much, which is why I'm convinced he's over you. But even when a guy loses interest in a girl, it doesn't mean he wants to hurt her, or that he no longer likes her. And so, he continues the dance of talking to you, praising you, but still choosing to stay with the other girl.
He keeps talking to you because he either doesn't want to be blunt with you or because you're still a possible lay. Or both. But the over the top attention you got in the beginning is gone. And staying friends is not an option. Once romantic interest was involved, or if one party is still into the other, friendship is impossible.
It's over! He's not into you. Stop wasting your time and your energy on him.
He never did ask me out
By: BL
Age: 26
Location: Australia
Question: There is this guy whom I have known for quite some time. We had just been friends, who will have small talks when we pass by. Otherwise, nothing serious. Sometime last year, we became a lot more closer, especially since I was giving him advice on his then relationship. We just clicked and started spending a lot of time with each other, personally as in face to face and through chatting. Friends around said that he likes me. He never did ask me out one on one but occasionally would venture out in groups. He was not shy, he will flirt and touch me. I took those gestures as a good friend becoming too friendly. But with my friends convincing me that he is into me, I started to fall for him. I left for 2 months vacation . We would chat online almost everyday. But when I got back, I saw him with another girl. Not once he had mentioned he was interested in another girl. He was always talking about his relationship problem and just told me he broke up before I left for my vacation. But not once he mentioned about this other girl. So naturally I was shocked which turned into anger and gradually grew into disappointment. He asked why I was avoiding him and after a few days later, I mentioned my liking towards him. Not that I had any intention to break up his current relationship, just so he knew that there were actions on his part that lead me to think he had mutual feelings towards me. All he could say was he had no idea he was leading me on. Well, my question is, was I played out or is it a general thing among guys that we girls do not know? I do feel totally relieved telling him rather then feeling all so upset. But I just want to know, why was he close with me, spending so much time with me, like 3-4hours per day, talking, laughing, joking and at times quite physical as well. He is initiating the chat after this incident. He has not approached me personally. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You were not played. This is a perfect example of how girls can be so clueless about guys:
1) Flirting and paying you attention has nothing to do with romantic interest; it's purely a way of making a guy feel good about himself. Guys will flirt with girls they find attractive, with girls they don't care about, with anyone from whom any kind of attention is gratifying.
2) Guys have no need for female friendships. They always have an ulterior motive, which most often is sex, but not always. In this case, you were friendly, easy (as in easy to be with), and he could flirt with you without worry. A perfect companion for fun without commitment.
3) You listened to friends, who I'm sure meant well, but as happens all the time, misread the attention a guy gives a girl because they project what they'd like him to be thinking, not what he really is thinking. And if your friends are females, they are guilty of points 1 and 2 above as well. Don't listen to anyone, not even the guy. Only actions matter. He never asked you out. That should have been the dominant clue.
What you should do is go out and meet other guys. This one was never interested in you romantically before, and he's not now. Any attention he gives you now is just intended to make you feel better about yourself. Don't go misreading his reaching out to you as anything else.
Age: 26
Location: Australia
Question: There is this guy whom I have known for quite some time. We had just been friends, who will have small talks when we pass by. Otherwise, nothing serious. Sometime last year, we became a lot more closer, especially since I was giving him advice on his then relationship. We just clicked and started spending a lot of time with each other, personally as in face to face and through chatting. Friends around said that he likes me. He never did ask me out one on one but occasionally would venture out in groups. He was not shy, he will flirt and touch me. I took those gestures as a good friend becoming too friendly. But with my friends convincing me that he is into me, I started to fall for him. I left for 2 months vacation . We would chat online almost everyday. But when I got back, I saw him with another girl. Not once he had mentioned he was interested in another girl. He was always talking about his relationship problem and just told me he broke up before I left for my vacation. But not once he mentioned about this other girl. So naturally I was shocked which turned into anger and gradually grew into disappointment. He asked why I was avoiding him and after a few days later, I mentioned my liking towards him. Not that I had any intention to break up his current relationship, just so he knew that there were actions on his part that lead me to think he had mutual feelings towards me. All he could say was he had no idea he was leading me on. Well, my question is, was I played out or is it a general thing among guys that we girls do not know? I do feel totally relieved telling him rather then feeling all so upset. But I just want to know, why was he close with me, spending so much time with me, like 3-4hours per day, talking, laughing, joking and at times quite physical as well. He is initiating the chat after this incident. He has not approached me personally. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You were not played. This is a perfect example of how girls can be so clueless about guys:
1) Flirting and paying you attention has nothing to do with romantic interest; it's purely a way of making a guy feel good about himself. Guys will flirt with girls they find attractive, with girls they don't care about, with anyone from whom any kind of attention is gratifying.
2) Guys have no need for female friendships. They always have an ulterior motive, which most often is sex, but not always. In this case, you were friendly, easy (as in easy to be with), and he could flirt with you without worry. A perfect companion for fun without commitment.
3) You listened to friends, who I'm sure meant well, but as happens all the time, misread the attention a guy gives a girl because they project what they'd like him to be thinking, not what he really is thinking. And if your friends are females, they are guilty of points 1 and 2 above as well. Don't listen to anyone, not even the guy. Only actions matter. He never asked you out. That should have been the dominant clue.
What you should do is go out and meet other guys. This one was never interested in you romantically before, and he's not now. Any attention he gives you now is just intended to make you feel better about yourself. Don't go misreading his reaching out to you as anything else.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Confidential to Samantha, in Boston
Guys don't date girls to be told off by how annoyed the girl is; we get into dating to have fun, first and foremost. It's not to say that you didn't have a legitimate beef with his tardiness, but your reaction will almost always produce bad results. Here's why: girls, as I'm finding out each day, can stick with one guy even as some amazing red flags are waiving. Girls will stick around and nag, nag, nag, hoping for the guy to become all that she wants. Guys are nowhere near that patient (or annoying). If after one date you become mouthy and cranky, you're history. There are a lot of other fish out there. Our biological clocks aren't ticking.
So, the only reason this guy went on a second date with you was because he didn't want to come across as the bad guy, or he simply didn't have the nerve to tell you he's not interested. So I'll tell you: he's not interested!
Now, about that late appearance of his. I don't blame you for being annoyed, but a much more effective approach was to have left and called the date off. That sends a much better signal for next time, and it shows you demand respect, not that you're a nag, which is basically how you came across.
So, the only reason this guy went on a second date with you was because he didn't want to come across as the bad guy, or he simply didn't have the nerve to tell you he's not interested. So I'll tell you: he's not interested!
Now, about that late appearance of his. I don't blame you for being annoyed, but a much more effective approach was to have left and called the date off. That sends a much better signal for next time, and it shows you demand respect, not that you're a nag, which is basically how you came across.
I know these Q's are supposed to be brief
By: Kiera
Age: 19
Location: Chicago
Question: I know these Q's are supposed to be brief... so I would be grateful if you took the time to read this and tell me what you think. I honestly am just so confused about this guy's hot and cold behavior.
I met this guy, Ben, about a year ago. At the time, we were both freshman in college. We met at a big house party waiting in line for the bathroom. We started talking, and spent the rest of the night with each other... ended up going home together. In a drunken frenzy, we made out a LOT along the way. We went back to my place. We didn't do much more than just make out. I would never do anything more than that wiht a guy I just met. But anyways... he didnt stay over because he actualy got sick. So I took care of him for a little bit, then told him he should sleep in his own bed.
So the next morning he texted me & we ended up grabbing breakfast together at the dining hall. He hugged me when we met up. And honestly most of the night before was pretty blurry... so we got to know each other much better as we ate. We ended up staying at the dining hall talking for about an hour and a half. I've never felt so comfortable with someone so fast. We had some great talks.
Anyways, so after eating we hugged goodbye and said we'd talk later. This was the last week before spring break. We texted a little bit during that week. Then on thursday, the day before we left fro break, we went to lunch together... and again had really good convos and hugged.
All spring break we didnt talk at all. So the week we returned to school we met up again to grab food and talk. That first friday night back we went to a party together, got pretty tipsy and he ended up spending the night at my place. We didnt do any oral or anything more since I still wanted to know him more. We stayed up pretty much all night kissing and cuddling and talking. I asked why he didnt talk to me over break.... his excuse? He claimed to be intimidated by me because I was a gorgeous girl. I still don't know if I believe that. At the time i bought it.
But anyways... this is pretty much the way things went between us for a few months, until summer break. We saw each other a few times a week.... usually to grab meals together, and on weekends we would go out together, drink, and spend the night together at one of our places. I started to really grow fond of him. We talked about "us" a little bit, but not as much as I now wish we had. I eventually told him that he was really growing on me, and that I didn't even think of other guys anymore. He agreed and said that I was the onyl girl he had been thinking about. Long story short... after a couple months I lost my virginity to him. I don't really regret it at all... because I really did like him a lot and he was very caring about it. (I had always wanted to wait for someone I loved... but whatever). He was blown away when I told him I was a virgin. We didnt have sex again after that first time, though, because I couldnt do it without being committed. So we continued on like we did before.
So yeah things were pretty decent the rest of second semester. When summer break came, we didnt see each other since we lived kind of far from each other. We talked on facebook frequently, not a whole lot.
The first night we were both back at school for sophomore year, Ben texted me... wanting to meet up. I was already at a party so i told him to come meet me, and he did. We had an alright time. Caught up a bit. He was kind of out of it because he had taken some xanax... which i was not happy about. He had drug problems growing up, but he had told me last year that he was only sticking to pot. So yeah... I was just kind of mad after that night. I told him to hit me up later that week to grab dinner or something and he said he would.
But weeks went by and not a word was spoken between us. I kind of was like "okay this is stupid... i should just move on" to my self. And I did pretty much move on, until one day he got ahold of me and wanted to meet up. And honestly, I did miss him. So we met up and went to a party. We talked and it felt like old times... we were really enjoying ourselves. We ending up coming back to my place. We just hung out and talked for a few hours. Then he kissed me.... one thing led to another... and I just couldnt hold back anymore and we had sex.
So for a few months following this... we started seeing each other more frequently, mostly on the weekends. We started hanging out in bigger groups of people. He met my friends, I met his. We stuck to just hugging each other mostly. There were a few times when he would sneak some kisses on me... and sometimes if we were walking home togehter he would hold my hand. And on one night we slept together, but didnt really fool around. It basically started to feel like we were "just friends" for the most part. Also, I started feeling like he would flake out on me a lot. Like he would say he call me, then wouldnt. Stuff like that. Anyways....
One night, when we reached the door to my building I asked if he wanted to come upstairs. And he thought about it for a little bit... and said no! I was kind of sad, and I think he saw that. Somehow we got on the subject that he sometimes flakes out on me. He admitted that he did flake out on me sometimes. And I was like 'yeah, you do... a lot'. He apologized, and explained how he has trouble balancing everything.... school and his differnent groups of friends. He was like "its just annoying". I was like, "having friends is annoying? Am I annoying?". Him-"No, you're not annyong at all. I actually enjoy hanging out with you, a lot." Me-"Really? Well I like hanging with you a lot too. Him-"Yeah, you always bring a smile to my face". -- I thought that was the sweetest thing. And for a while after that, things were pretty good between us.
When winter break came, we barely talked. He wished me a Merry Christmas and we talked briefly that day. And when we came back to school, we hung out with each other the day before school started. The first weekend back, he said he would call me to hang out... but he didnt. So saturday night, I decided to text him and see if he wanted to hang out. He said he wanted to, and that he'd call me back. Well... after about an hour I realized he wasnt going to call me back. So I texted him, wondering what happened. He gave me a lame excuse, And I was like "well if you didnt want to hang out, you could have just said so". he was all like, "I do want to hang out with you, it just that this came up unexpectedly".
And this is actually the last time we talked. That was about two weeks ago... so I really don't even know what to think anymore.
What do you think of our confusing relationship? Did he just use me? Or does he just want to be friends? I don't understand.
VictorM's advice:
If you know the questions are suppose to be brief... I can only assume the word doesn't mean what you think it means. :)
Anyway, I see no confusion and no one using anyone. Just a series of events that more often than not produce these exact results. In fact, you're an excellent case study in what not to do with a boy.
From the first making out session, to telling him about your feelings first, to letting long periods of time go by without contact yet still resuming your peccadilloes when you got back, you sent the signals that he need not get serious about you because whatever he wanted, he would get anyway. And the last things guys want is to get serious with a girl. If they can get some part time fun without committing, they almost always choose that.
Listen carefully, for next time: when a girl does girlfriend-like things with a boy who is not her boyfriend, she will get screwed; when a girl is the first one to relay romantic feelings for the boy, the exact opposite of what you expect will happen -- instead of getting close, he's going to pull away; when a girl starts chasing the boy after he has failed to contact her, she has lost him already (or never really had him).
Look, I don't buy his bullshit about not contacting you because he was intimidated by your beauty, but I have to believe that he does find you beautiful. That tells me right away that what was fueling his interest in you was lust. And it's only natural that he tried to maintain his best foot forward in how he was treating you because: 1) for a guy, looks are enough for a while; and 2) because he was trying/hoping that something would happen; and 3) it's human nature. But, due to the built-in knowledge that he had you anytime he wanted you, the magic, the mystery, the chemistry just never happened.
So, he still enjoys your company, mostly because he finds you beautiful, and I would think in part because there are some things about you that he likes, but for whatever reason -- and there could be a million, or none that he's even aware of -- you never set his loins on fire. Romantic feelings never erupted.
It's time to move on.
Age: 19
Location: Chicago
Question: I know these Q's are supposed to be brief... so I would be grateful if you took the time to read this and tell me what you think. I honestly am just so confused about this guy's hot and cold behavior.
I met this guy, Ben, about a year ago. At the time, we were both freshman in college. We met at a big house party waiting in line for the bathroom. We started talking, and spent the rest of the night with each other... ended up going home together. In a drunken frenzy, we made out a LOT along the way. We went back to my place. We didn't do much more than just make out. I would never do anything more than that wiht a guy I just met. But anyways... he didnt stay over because he actualy got sick. So I took care of him for a little bit, then told him he should sleep in his own bed.
So the next morning he texted me & we ended up grabbing breakfast together at the dining hall. He hugged me when we met up. And honestly most of the night before was pretty blurry... so we got to know each other much better as we ate. We ended up staying at the dining hall talking for about an hour and a half. I've never felt so comfortable with someone so fast. We had some great talks.
Anyways, so after eating we hugged goodbye and said we'd talk later. This was the last week before spring break. We texted a little bit during that week. Then on thursday, the day before we left fro break, we went to lunch together... and again had really good convos and hugged.
All spring break we didnt talk at all. So the week we returned to school we met up again to grab food and talk. That first friday night back we went to a party together, got pretty tipsy and he ended up spending the night at my place. We didnt do any oral or anything more since I still wanted to know him more. We stayed up pretty much all night kissing and cuddling and talking. I asked why he didnt talk to me over break.... his excuse? He claimed to be intimidated by me because I was a gorgeous girl. I still don't know if I believe that. At the time i bought it.
But anyways... this is pretty much the way things went between us for a few months, until summer break. We saw each other a few times a week.... usually to grab meals together, and on weekends we would go out together, drink, and spend the night together at one of our places. I started to really grow fond of him. We talked about "us" a little bit, but not as much as I now wish we had. I eventually told him that he was really growing on me, and that I didn't even think of other guys anymore. He agreed and said that I was the onyl girl he had been thinking about. Long story short... after a couple months I lost my virginity to him. I don't really regret it at all... because I really did like him a lot and he was very caring about it. (I had always wanted to wait for someone I loved... but whatever). He was blown away when I told him I was a virgin. We didnt have sex again after that first time, though, because I couldnt do it without being committed. So we continued on like we did before.
So yeah things were pretty decent the rest of second semester. When summer break came, we didnt see each other since we lived kind of far from each other. We talked on facebook frequently, not a whole lot.
The first night we were both back at school for sophomore year, Ben texted me... wanting to meet up. I was already at a party so i told him to come meet me, and he did. We had an alright time. Caught up a bit. He was kind of out of it because he had taken some xanax... which i was not happy about. He had drug problems growing up, but he had told me last year that he was only sticking to pot. So yeah... I was just kind of mad after that night. I told him to hit me up later that week to grab dinner or something and he said he would.
But weeks went by and not a word was spoken between us. I kind of was like "okay this is stupid... i should just move on" to my self. And I did pretty much move on, until one day he got ahold of me and wanted to meet up. And honestly, I did miss him. So we met up and went to a party. We talked and it felt like old times... we were really enjoying ourselves. We ending up coming back to my place. We just hung out and talked for a few hours. Then he kissed me.... one thing led to another... and I just couldnt hold back anymore and we had sex.
So for a few months following this... we started seeing each other more frequently, mostly on the weekends. We started hanging out in bigger groups of people. He met my friends, I met his. We stuck to just hugging each other mostly. There were a few times when he would sneak some kisses on me... and sometimes if we were walking home togehter he would hold my hand. And on one night we slept together, but didnt really fool around. It basically started to feel like we were "just friends" for the most part. Also, I started feeling like he would flake out on me a lot. Like he would say he call me, then wouldnt. Stuff like that. Anyways....
One night, when we reached the door to my building I asked if he wanted to come upstairs. And he thought about it for a little bit... and said no! I was kind of sad, and I think he saw that. Somehow we got on the subject that he sometimes flakes out on me. He admitted that he did flake out on me sometimes. And I was like 'yeah, you do... a lot'. He apologized, and explained how he has trouble balancing everything.... school and his differnent groups of friends. He was like "its just annoying". I was like, "having friends is annoying? Am I annoying?". Him-"No, you're not annyong at all. I actually enjoy hanging out with you, a lot." Me-"Really? Well I like hanging with you a lot too. Him-"Yeah, you always bring a smile to my face". -- I thought that was the sweetest thing. And for a while after that, things were pretty good between us.
When winter break came, we barely talked. He wished me a Merry Christmas and we talked briefly that day. And when we came back to school, we hung out with each other the day before school started. The first weekend back, he said he would call me to hang out... but he didnt. So saturday night, I decided to text him and see if he wanted to hang out. He said he wanted to, and that he'd call me back. Well... after about an hour I realized he wasnt going to call me back. So I texted him, wondering what happened. He gave me a lame excuse, And I was like "well if you didnt want to hang out, you could have just said so". he was all like, "I do want to hang out with you, it just that this came up unexpectedly".
And this is actually the last time we talked. That was about two weeks ago... so I really don't even know what to think anymore.
What do you think of our confusing relationship? Did he just use me? Or does he just want to be friends? I don't understand.
VictorM's advice:
If you know the questions are suppose to be brief... I can only assume the word doesn't mean what you think it means. :)
Anyway, I see no confusion and no one using anyone. Just a series of events that more often than not produce these exact results. In fact, you're an excellent case study in what not to do with a boy.
From the first making out session, to telling him about your feelings first, to letting long periods of time go by without contact yet still resuming your peccadilloes when you got back, you sent the signals that he need not get serious about you because whatever he wanted, he would get anyway. And the last things guys want is to get serious with a girl. If they can get some part time fun without committing, they almost always choose that.
Listen carefully, for next time: when a girl does girlfriend-like things with a boy who is not her boyfriend, she will get screwed; when a girl is the first one to relay romantic feelings for the boy, the exact opposite of what you expect will happen -- instead of getting close, he's going to pull away; when a girl starts chasing the boy after he has failed to contact her, she has lost him already (or never really had him).
Look, I don't buy his bullshit about not contacting you because he was intimidated by your beauty, but I have to believe that he does find you beautiful. That tells me right away that what was fueling his interest in you was lust. And it's only natural that he tried to maintain his best foot forward in how he was treating you because: 1) for a guy, looks are enough for a while; and 2) because he was trying/hoping that something would happen; and 3) it's human nature. But, due to the built-in knowledge that he had you anytime he wanted you, the magic, the mystery, the chemistry just never happened.
So, he still enjoys your company, mostly because he finds you beautiful, and I would think in part because there are some things about you that he likes, but for whatever reason -- and there could be a million, or none that he's even aware of -- you never set his loins on fire. Romantic feelings never erupted.
It's time to move on.
he went out with 2 of my friends
By: Jenna
Age: 16
Question: Ok so i've been "talking" to this boy, so i'd say we have a thing. But last week he asked me out and i told him i needed to think about some things. First of all, he went out with 2 of my friends which isn't that big of a deal but still. And also i dont know if i want to be tied down with a boyfriend right now. I like the single life but i also like him! what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
Why don't you just date him casually? That is, one date with no obligations of any other date, which happens only if you agree. This way, you get to know him a little better without having to feel committed.
Casual dating... guys do it all the time. You can too.
Age: 16
Question: Ok so i've been "talking" to this boy, so i'd say we have a thing. But last week he asked me out and i told him i needed to think about some things. First of all, he went out with 2 of my friends which isn't that big of a deal but still. And also i dont know if i want to be tied down with a boyfriend right now. I like the single life but i also like him! what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
Why don't you just date him casually? That is, one date with no obligations of any other date, which happens only if you agree. This way, you get to know him a little better without having to feel committed.
Casual dating... guys do it all the time. You can too.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I know I have to prove myself
By: Mandy
Age: 32
Location: Texas
Question: I have a guy that I met online over 2 years ago (Aug 07)and we became really good friends. He saw me through a bad relationship and after being friends for about 5 or 6 months, we began dating. He fell really hard and he's typically the guy that all girls want and never get. However, I ended up cheating a month later (Feb 08) and he took me back. I ended it a month after that and he was destroyed but didn't give up on me. We would go a few months without seeing each other and then he would start texting/calling that he missed me. He now lives about 3 hours away and this past June he started in that he loves/misses me and can't get over me. Well, we are back to seeing each other and it's all because of my effort. But, I know I have to prove myself. Us having a future together is a mutual goal. However, he's a workaholic and he even works on weekends he has his daughters. I know if he doesn't make more time for them, I can't expect that he will for me. We never talk on the phone and we only text. He texts me every morning and when he can during the day but he usually works 13 to 17 hours a day. When I see him, it's great and nothing else exists in his world other than me. I know there's no one else besides me. Problem is, we don't get to spend as much time together as I want because he won't see me when he has his kids. They know all about me but because I hurt him, he's still scared for his kids to get attached and me hurt him again. Do I bring it up or just trust that it will happen when he's ready? Also, when he seems stressed and distant do I just leave him be and wait for him to deal with it and contact me? So sorry it's so long.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy is stressed, leave him alone. Men like to deal with their problems by themselves. As soon as they deal with whatever is bothering them, they come back. Just leave him alone.
But I don't know what you mean about bringing it up... bringing what up? You don't see each other often, and you really haven't spent that much time together, the guy doesn't even have time for his daughters, how do you expect to be of much significance in his life expect for the moments he "misses" you? What really are you expecting to happen with a guy who lives 3 hours away and works 17 hours a day, including weekends?
Age: 32
Location: Texas
Question: I have a guy that I met online over 2 years ago (Aug 07)and we became really good friends. He saw me through a bad relationship and after being friends for about 5 or 6 months, we began dating. He fell really hard and he's typically the guy that all girls want and never get. However, I ended up cheating a month later (Feb 08) and he took me back. I ended it a month after that and he was destroyed but didn't give up on me. We would go a few months without seeing each other and then he would start texting/calling that he missed me. He now lives about 3 hours away and this past June he started in that he loves/misses me and can't get over me. Well, we are back to seeing each other and it's all because of my effort. But, I know I have to prove myself. Us having a future together is a mutual goal. However, he's a workaholic and he even works on weekends he has his daughters. I know if he doesn't make more time for them, I can't expect that he will for me. We never talk on the phone and we only text. He texts me every morning and when he can during the day but he usually works 13 to 17 hours a day. When I see him, it's great and nothing else exists in his world other than me. I know there's no one else besides me. Problem is, we don't get to spend as much time together as I want because he won't see me when he has his kids. They know all about me but because I hurt him, he's still scared for his kids to get attached and me hurt him again. Do I bring it up or just trust that it will happen when he's ready? Also, when he seems stressed and distant do I just leave him be and wait for him to deal with it and contact me? So sorry it's so long.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy is stressed, leave him alone. Men like to deal with their problems by themselves. As soon as they deal with whatever is bothering them, they come back. Just leave him alone.
But I don't know what you mean about bringing it up... bringing what up? You don't see each other often, and you really haven't spent that much time together, the guy doesn't even have time for his daughters, how do you expect to be of much significance in his life expect for the moments he "misses" you? What really are you expecting to happen with a guy who lives 3 hours away and works 17 hours a day, including weekends?
I'm pretty sure he's not going to ask me out
By: Kira
Age: (anonymous)
Location: (anonymous)
Question: I think he likes me but if he does I'm pretty sure he's not going to ask me out. His name is Nate, and we've talked a lot and we're good friends. He talks to me when we see each other and is sweet and nice and smiles at me across the room. However, he's not constantly around me and asking me to hang out with him. I think he knows we're good friends but might also be considering taking it further. I feel a connection when I'm with him and I'm sure he does too.I've made it a tiny bit obvious I like him but he's kind of a quiet guy (not shy) and so I just want to know whether or not he is considering 'us' or not.
VictorM's advice:
He is scoping you out as possible dating material. Guys don't become friends with attractive an girl unless he had some interest. What happens is a lot of guys prefer to do the getting to know her as friends, without pressure and without obligations.
So, meanwhile, what should you do? The last thing you should be doing is act like a buddy, a pal, a friend. You need to start acting like a date. Follow the advice I gave here.
Age: (anonymous)
Location: (anonymous)
Question: I think he likes me but if he does I'm pretty sure he's not going to ask me out. His name is Nate, and we've talked a lot and we're good friends. He talks to me when we see each other and is sweet and nice and smiles at me across the room. However, he's not constantly around me and asking me to hang out with him. I think he knows we're good friends but might also be considering taking it further. I feel a connection when I'm with him and I'm sure he does too.I've made it a tiny bit obvious I like him but he's kind of a quiet guy (not shy) and so I just want to know whether or not he is considering 'us' or not.
VictorM's advice:
He is scoping you out as possible dating material. Guys don't become friends with attractive an girl unless he had some interest. What happens is a lot of guys prefer to do the getting to know her as friends, without pressure and without obligations.
So, meanwhile, what should you do? The last thing you should be doing is act like a buddy, a pal, a friend. You need to start acting like a date. Follow the advice I gave here.
I've no idea what to do with this guy
By: Mel
Age: 19
Location: Canada
Question: Victor!!! It's me again.
I know a lot of girls have asked this but I've no idea what to do with this guy. I have a friend and I know he finds me attractive and enjoys my company, as I've said in another question I kinda have a crush on him but I'm worried that he only wants me as a friend?
I've no idea how to think and any advice would be welcome :).
Thanks! x
VictorM's advice:
First, do NOT tell him how you feel. Second, stop behaving like a friend and start treating him more like a date. This mean finding more excuses to spend time alone with him, dress like you're on a date (sexier clothes, makeup, perfume, etc.), invade his space by standing a few inches closer to him than usual, touch him lightly on the wrist or arm when you're making a point, hold your gaze a second or two longer, do not encourage talk of other girls and do not talk about other boys, etc.
These actions give him time to realize something is up and to reflect on his own reaction to it.
The downside is if he really isn't into romantically, he may pull away.
Age: 19
Location: Canada
Question: Victor!!! It's me again.
I know a lot of girls have asked this but I've no idea what to do with this guy. I have a friend and I know he finds me attractive and enjoys my company, as I've said in another question I kinda have a crush on him but I'm worried that he only wants me as a friend?
I've no idea how to think and any advice would be welcome :).
Thanks! x
VictorM's advice:
First, do NOT tell him how you feel. Second, stop behaving like a friend and start treating him more like a date. This mean finding more excuses to spend time alone with him, dress like you're on a date (sexier clothes, makeup, perfume, etc.), invade his space by standing a few inches closer to him than usual, touch him lightly on the wrist or arm when you're making a point, hold your gaze a second or two longer, do not encourage talk of other girls and do not talk about other boys, etc.
These actions give him time to realize something is up and to reflect on his own reaction to it.
The downside is if he really isn't into romantically, he may pull away.
I really didn't want the relationship to end
By: Michelle
Age: 15
Location: Texas
Question: Okay, me and my boyfriend broke up about two weeks ago. I really didn't want the relationship to end because i really like him and i still do. But the thing is, he is a Varsity football player. I was his first girlfriend and his first kiss. He said he loved me, and he acts like he still wants to be with me, but i think that his fellow teammates are telling him that he needs to break up with me since i won't give him sex. What should i do?? :(
Oh and...he is Asian and came from Thailand about 3 years ago, so i think he's listening to the football players because he wants to "fit in".
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance that you're right, that he broke up with you to fit in. But if that is so, it means that: 1) he really only wants a girlfriend for sex, and 2) he's a weakling who can't stand on his own. That hardly sounds like a guy worth keeping.
There's also a chance that you're wrong about his reason for breaking up with you. I know that the first love and first kiss is very meaningful to a girl, but not so much to a guy. To a guy it's often just a hurdle to get past.
In the end, you're not sure what would take to get him back. It may be the sex, it may not be. The only thing that you can be sure of is that your decision to withhold sex is the right one. And you always carry good decisions with pride into the future. Stick with it. If he really wants you back, he'll come back, under your terms.
Age: 15
Location: Texas
Question: Okay, me and my boyfriend broke up about two weeks ago. I really didn't want the relationship to end because i really like him and i still do. But the thing is, he is a Varsity football player. I was his first girlfriend and his first kiss. He said he loved me, and he acts like he still wants to be with me, but i think that his fellow teammates are telling him that he needs to break up with me since i won't give him sex. What should i do?? :(
Oh and...he is Asian and came from Thailand about 3 years ago, so i think he's listening to the football players because he wants to "fit in".
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance that you're right, that he broke up with you to fit in. But if that is so, it means that: 1) he really only wants a girlfriend for sex, and 2) he's a weakling who can't stand on his own. That hardly sounds like a guy worth keeping.
There's also a chance that you're wrong about his reason for breaking up with you. I know that the first love and first kiss is very meaningful to a girl, but not so much to a guy. To a guy it's often just a hurdle to get past.
In the end, you're not sure what would take to get him back. It may be the sex, it may not be. The only thing that you can be sure of is that your decision to withhold sex is the right one. And you always carry good decisions with pride into the future. Stick with it. If he really wants you back, he'll come back, under your terms.
I've been eating at this little bagel shop
By: Olivia
Age: 19
Location: Vancouver
Question: Now I've been eating at this little bagel shop at least 3 times a week during my lunch breaks. There's a guy that works there that I really dig. He's like a genuine friendly type....smiles at me alot...but seems really shy. He SEEMS to be that friendly and flirty towards me only, and not anyone else....but I'm not 100% sure....I told one of the girls that works there that I'm interested in him...but that didn't pan over well. I get the feeling that she's interested in him too.
Anyways...what it's come down to is that I'm scared. I've never had to be the initiator. And I hate that I'm clinging to the social normalcy that the guy is supposed to ask.
I just need help trying to figure out what to say to the guy. lol.
Do you have any ideas for me?
It'd be so much easier if he was in one of my classes or something....because it's hard to get personal with someone in this kinda situation.
VictorM's advice:
What may appear shyness to you may just be his unwillingness to lose his job. In lots of places where employees deal with customers, flirting or getting too personal can be cause for dismissal. Keep that in mind.
Yes, social etiquette is that the girl should wait to be asked. But that's not why girls shouldn't ask first, it's because it's not effective. Once a guy knows you're more interested in him than he is in you -- and in the early going it's almost always that way -- he'll get cocky and not respond as you'd like.
Having said, in your case, you may have no choice, as the current situation may not lead anywhere.
But before you ask him, make sure you know his name and start greeting him by name. If he doesn't know your name, say it to him. "Hi, John. Oh by the way, my name is Olivia." Smile, and walk away. Exchanging names is a barrier breaker. Next you need to know if he has a girlfriend already. Saying something like "Nice shirt. Did you girlfriend pick out for you?" "No, she didn't" or "I don't have a girlfriend" yields the answer.
Assuming you've establish the name greetings and that he's single, a question like: what other place would you recommend for dinner around here? The the next day say: "Tonight at around 7:00 I'm going to try that place you recommended. If you're there come say hello. I'll buy you a beer... if I like the place (laugh)." or some variation on the theme of getting him to meet you someplace outside of work.
Age: 19
Location: Vancouver
Question: Now I've been eating at this little bagel shop at least 3 times a week during my lunch breaks. There's a guy that works there that I really dig. He's like a genuine friendly type....smiles at me alot...but seems really shy. He SEEMS to be that friendly and flirty towards me only, and not anyone else....but I'm not 100% sure....I told one of the girls that works there that I'm interested in him...but that didn't pan over well. I get the feeling that she's interested in him too.
Anyways...what it's come down to is that I'm scared. I've never had to be the initiator. And I hate that I'm clinging to the social normalcy that the guy is supposed to ask.
I just need help trying to figure out what to say to the guy. lol.
Do you have any ideas for me?
It'd be so much easier if he was in one of my classes or something....because it's hard to get personal with someone in this kinda situation.
VictorM's advice:
What may appear shyness to you may just be his unwillingness to lose his job. In lots of places where employees deal with customers, flirting or getting too personal can be cause for dismissal. Keep that in mind.
Yes, social etiquette is that the girl should wait to be asked. But that's not why girls shouldn't ask first, it's because it's not effective. Once a guy knows you're more interested in him than he is in you -- and in the early going it's almost always that way -- he'll get cocky and not respond as you'd like.
Having said, in your case, you may have no choice, as the current situation may not lead anywhere.
But before you ask him, make sure you know his name and start greeting him by name. If he doesn't know your name, say it to him. "Hi, John. Oh by the way, my name is Olivia." Smile, and walk away. Exchanging names is a barrier breaker. Next you need to know if he has a girlfriend already. Saying something like "Nice shirt. Did you girlfriend pick out for you?" "No, she didn't" or "I don't have a girlfriend" yields the answer.
Assuming you've establish the name greetings and that he's single, a question like: what other place would you recommend for dinner around here? The the next day say: "Tonight at around 7:00 I'm going to try that place you recommended. If you're there come say hello. I'll buy you a beer... if I like the place (laugh)." or some variation on the theme of getting him to meet you someplace outside of work.
A whole lot of cats
By: Kitty
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Victor,
My friend showed me this sight and I hugged her. A lot. This is just what I needed. So here we go my real, finished, questions:
There are 4 guys I've been wondering about. The first, I'll call Sphynx, and I've known him for about a month. Second, I'll call Siberian, who I've known for around a week, just like the third guy, who I'll call Maine Coon. The fourth guy, who I've known for around 2 years, I'll call bobcat.
Spynx is great. We flirt all the time (I know from reading your site that it means nothing.) He tells me I'm pretty and that he really likes me, and invites me places. He was hanging out with Maine coon and Siberian once when me and my friend were in a movie. We were just hanging out with them, but we left,and me and my friend went to go see a movie. All three were texting us "Where are you guys?" We told them and they were cool because they all went back to Maine Coon's house. Then I started texting Maine coon and Siberian. I think Sphynx got jealous, so he was texting me a lot and was taking Siberians phone and texting me from there, but wasn't texting my friend. Is he into me?
Siberian: Also great. He has been texting me all week and inviting me places. At first, I thought he was into my friend, but she wouldn't really reply to him because he was flirting and trying to get her, but she has a boyfriend. So he started talking to me and texts me all the time. Is he into me or is he trying to get her?
Maine Coon: For the third time, great. I'm not very descriptive so I can't think of many words. Maine Coon asked Sphynx for my number and started texting me. He wasn't texting my friend, so I don't think he was into her from the beginning. We did some flirting, but mostly I was playing hard to get. He doesn't text me anymore though. What happened?
Last and probably the most liked is Bobcat. Wow. He is amazing in every aspect. We have study hall together and he always asks me for help and tells me that I'm smart and cool. I really like him, so I asked my friend to tell him that I like him in a subtle way. She said that he got all nervous and laughed and said "Yeah, I know." I was a little put off, so I've been playing hard to get ever since. During English I started talking to another group of boys and ignoring him and when I turned around and sneaked a glance at him, he was looking straight at me, and I am pretty sure he was doing it the whole time. Before I started playing hard to get, I came over during study hall and sat next to him to help him with Spanish work. He got really red and wouldn't stop wiggling and moving around in his seat. Does he like me? What are good ways to play hard to get WITHOUT making him mad or make it seem like I don't want him?
Thank you so much, I hope you enjoyed the cats. (:
VictorM's advice:
I don't even feel like typing; I feel like... meowing. :)
Sounds like you're a popular girl. But you have to be careful -- often that attention comes in spurts because guys are competitive and they may show interest in you just because they think others find you desirable and they want the change to be the winners of the Kitty raffle.
Sphynx totally is into you. No question about it.
Siberian is a little harder to tell. Maybe he was after your friend and found you more desirable, or maybe it's only because she has a boyfriend.
Maine Coon might have quit the chase seeing as you're so popular. He may prefer to go for lower hanging fruit, if you know what I mean.
Bobcat now is a bigger problem. Once a guy knows you like him, he tends to become cocky and put you on the shelf knowing he could have you if he wanted. He's more likely now to try to get some other more challenging girl. Next time, keep your feelings for a guy to yourself.
Important point about playing hard to get. It's imperative to be nice and friendly, not cold and distant. Playing hard to get implies that you want him to chase you, to be after you, and guys respond better if they get some encouragement. So, when you see him, smile and be friendly, but also make yourself a little scarce. Say, for example, he invites you to spend time with him, you may respond that you'd love to, but you can't today... maybe some other day? That's effective playing hard to get because you're still giving him hope, but he has to try again.
One word of caution: don't get too many cats; a cat lady with tons of cats is not the best reputation you can get.
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Victor,
My friend showed me this sight and I hugged her. A lot. This is just what I needed. So here we go my real, finished, questions:
There are 4 guys I've been wondering about. The first, I'll call Sphynx, and I've known him for about a month. Second, I'll call Siberian, who I've known for around a week, just like the third guy, who I'll call Maine Coon. The fourth guy, who I've known for around 2 years, I'll call bobcat.
Spynx is great. We flirt all the time (I know from reading your site that it means nothing.) He tells me I'm pretty and that he really likes me, and invites me places. He was hanging out with Maine coon and Siberian once when me and my friend were in a movie. We were just hanging out with them, but we left,and me and my friend went to go see a movie. All three were texting us "Where are you guys?" We told them and they were cool because they all went back to Maine Coon's house. Then I started texting Maine coon and Siberian. I think Sphynx got jealous, so he was texting me a lot and was taking Siberians phone and texting me from there, but wasn't texting my friend. Is he into me?
Siberian: Also great. He has been texting me all week and inviting me places. At first, I thought he was into my friend, but she wouldn't really reply to him because he was flirting and trying to get her, but she has a boyfriend. So he started talking to me and texts me all the time. Is he into me or is he trying to get her?
Maine Coon: For the third time, great. I'm not very descriptive so I can't think of many words. Maine Coon asked Sphynx for my number and started texting me. He wasn't texting my friend, so I don't think he was into her from the beginning. We did some flirting, but mostly I was playing hard to get. He doesn't text me anymore though. What happened?
Last and probably the most liked is Bobcat. Wow. He is amazing in every aspect. We have study hall together and he always asks me for help and tells me that I'm smart and cool. I really like him, so I asked my friend to tell him that I like him in a subtle way. She said that he got all nervous and laughed and said "Yeah, I know." I was a little put off, so I've been playing hard to get ever since. During English I started talking to another group of boys and ignoring him and when I turned around and sneaked a glance at him, he was looking straight at me, and I am pretty sure he was doing it the whole time. Before I started playing hard to get, I came over during study hall and sat next to him to help him with Spanish work. He got really red and wouldn't stop wiggling and moving around in his seat. Does he like me? What are good ways to play hard to get WITHOUT making him mad or make it seem like I don't want him?
Thank you so much, I hope you enjoyed the cats. (:
VictorM's advice:
I don't even feel like typing; I feel like... meowing. :)
Sounds like you're a popular girl. But you have to be careful -- often that attention comes in spurts because guys are competitive and they may show interest in you just because they think others find you desirable and they want the change to be the winners of the Kitty raffle.
Sphynx totally is into you. No question about it.
Siberian is a little harder to tell. Maybe he was after your friend and found you more desirable, or maybe it's only because she has a boyfriend.
Maine Coon might have quit the chase seeing as you're so popular. He may prefer to go for lower hanging fruit, if you know what I mean.
Bobcat now is a bigger problem. Once a guy knows you like him, he tends to become cocky and put you on the shelf knowing he could have you if he wanted. He's more likely now to try to get some other more challenging girl. Next time, keep your feelings for a guy to yourself.
Important point about playing hard to get. It's imperative to be nice and friendly, not cold and distant. Playing hard to get implies that you want him to chase you, to be after you, and guys respond better if they get some encouragement. So, when you see him, smile and be friendly, but also make yourself a little scarce. Say, for example, he invites you to spend time with him, you may respond that you'd love to, but you can't today... maybe some other day? That's effective playing hard to get because you're still giving him hope, but he has to try again.
One word of caution: don't get too many cats; a cat lady with tons of cats is not the best reputation you can get.
I met this gorgeous guy abroad
By: Diana
Age: 44
Location: United Kingdom
Question: Hi,
Help!!! I met this gorgeous guy abroad, and I never in a million years thought that he would even look at me.
He asked me to go and see him to get his number. I very skeptical as the country was full of guys asking English girls out because they wanted a better life.
I went to see him at his work a week later, he gave me his number, and looked very disappointed that I did not come to see him sooner.
I was going back to England in two days. He just said have a safe flight back.
The day before my flight I stopped by and he thought I would have come and seen him sooner that day.
I was quite angry with him because I had invited him to our house the day before for a house blessing and I thought he hadn't bothered to even ring me.
He tried to but I didn't recognise his number. He said he was too tired after playing football.
After a couple of phone calls, I said I would come and see him in the morning before my flight.
We hugged and said goodbye, and he jokingly asked my sister to take the jeep back and leave me there.
He phoned me a day later after arriving back in England and was texting me.
I had given him a Missing You card with my details in it and he never commented on the card.
I sent a text saying that I wished I could have kissed him goodbye, but I didn't want to seem to forward.
I thought this strange that he didn't comment on these, and so I sent texting a bunch of questions asking about him, as I felt that he was holding something back.
He texted me back and told me that he had a girlfriend over there already. I was totally heartbroken, as I had literally fallen in love with this guy at first sight.
I texted back and told him that I was totally heartbroken, and that I respected the fact that he had a girlfriend, and that I didn't want to persue this any further.
He replied, and said that he wanted to be friends first. First before what?
He continued to text me, and said that if I didn't keep in contact with him, he would come to England to see me.
I told him that there was nothing more that I wanted, but this had to stop as this was just prolonging the pain for me.
I continued to text. I couldn't handle it. I responded by texting him a really nasty message.
I told him that if he cared about me, as a friend or otherwise, he would respect my wishes and stop contacting me. Guess what he did.
I was trying to be cruel to be kind, and told him that he was just wanted to use me for sex, and a ticket to England.
Really harsh, but I was being purely selfish, and trying to protect my heart. I couldn't handle the fact that he had lied about having a girlfriend.
I have regretted it ever since, and have not heard from for over 3 months. I tried to apologise 3 times by text and he did not respond.
I can't stop thinking about him, and wanted to send him a Valentine Card.
Should I bother? Am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you're wasting your time, but then again, how much time does it take to send a Valentine's Day card? Not much at all.
But come on... really... why are you going to bother? Most people avoid getting bitten by a snake; you seem to be chasing the snake. Get a grip! Life is not a silly romance novel. In the real world of countries, and passports, and girlfriends, and liars, and cocky assholes, you have to be out of your mind to waste even a few seconds of your time. Can't you find a good looking cocky jerk in England to give you some flimsy attention, if that's what you're after?
Age: 44
Location: United Kingdom
Question: Hi,
Help!!! I met this gorgeous guy abroad, and I never in a million years thought that he would even look at me.
He asked me to go and see him to get his number. I very skeptical as the country was full of guys asking English girls out because they wanted a better life.
I went to see him at his work a week later, he gave me his number, and looked very disappointed that I did not come to see him sooner.
I was going back to England in two days. He just said have a safe flight back.
The day before my flight I stopped by and he thought I would have come and seen him sooner that day.
I was quite angry with him because I had invited him to our house the day before for a house blessing and I thought he hadn't bothered to even ring me.
He tried to but I didn't recognise his number. He said he was too tired after playing football.
After a couple of phone calls, I said I would come and see him in the morning before my flight.
We hugged and said goodbye, and he jokingly asked my sister to take the jeep back and leave me there.
He phoned me a day later after arriving back in England and was texting me.
I had given him a Missing You card with my details in it and he never commented on the card.
I sent a text saying that I wished I could have kissed him goodbye, but I didn't want to seem to forward.
I thought this strange that he didn't comment on these, and so I sent texting a bunch of questions asking about him, as I felt that he was holding something back.
He texted me back and told me that he had a girlfriend over there already. I was totally heartbroken, as I had literally fallen in love with this guy at first sight.
I texted back and told him that I was totally heartbroken, and that I respected the fact that he had a girlfriend, and that I didn't want to persue this any further.
He replied, and said that he wanted to be friends first. First before what?
He continued to text me, and said that if I didn't keep in contact with him, he would come to England to see me.
I told him that there was nothing more that I wanted, but this had to stop as this was just prolonging the pain for me.
I continued to text. I couldn't handle it. I responded by texting him a really nasty message.
I told him that if he cared about me, as a friend or otherwise, he would respect my wishes and stop contacting me. Guess what he did.
I was trying to be cruel to be kind, and told him that he was just wanted to use me for sex, and a ticket to England.
Really harsh, but I was being purely selfish, and trying to protect my heart. I couldn't handle the fact that he had lied about having a girlfriend.
I have regretted it ever since, and have not heard from for over 3 months. I tried to apologise 3 times by text and he did not respond.
I can't stop thinking about him, and wanted to send him a Valentine Card.
Should I bother? Am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you're wasting your time, but then again, how much time does it take to send a Valentine's Day card? Not much at all.
But come on... really... why are you going to bother? Most people avoid getting bitten by a snake; you seem to be chasing the snake. Get a grip! Life is not a silly romance novel. In the real world of countries, and passports, and girlfriends, and liars, and cocky assholes, you have to be out of your mind to waste even a few seconds of your time. Can't you find a good looking cocky jerk in England to give you some flimsy attention, if that's what you're after?
he kinda misses talking to me
Question: What does it mean when a guy I used to be with says things like that he kinda misses talking to me or when he says things like that I should be glad that such and such thing happened because it gets me to think of him? and asks me why I always ignore the boyfriend questions and that one of these days I'm going to have to be a big girl and tell him. Mind you. Im a 27yr old woman. I do ignore the bf questions because I don't feel the need to respond to him. I don't care to and shouldn't have to. And This guy is a guy I used to like and who I hooked up with in the past. We live in different cities and what we had is over. Although, we do write to one another by e-mail every once in a while and it is only because he sends them or is always reaching out to me first asking me things like how I'm doing or if I have a boyfriend etc. I don't ever and have not reached out to him. I just respond so as not to be rude. But recently, this last e-mail blew me away! What is this?!
VictorM's advice:
In one word: EGO! He wants to hear that you miss him, or he may even just like knowing you don't have a boyfriend (sorta like thinking you're miserable without him). All that these questions and your attention do is feed his ego.
Stop responding to his emails. It's not rude, but even if you disagree, so what if you're rude? You have a right to not let him interfere in your life.
VictorM's advice:
In one word: EGO! He wants to hear that you miss him, or he may even just like knowing you don't have a boyfriend (sorta like thinking you're miserable without him). All that these questions and your attention do is feed his ego.
Stop responding to his emails. It's not rude, but even if you disagree, so what if you're rude? You have a right to not let him interfere in your life.
We cuddle and touch a lot
By: Cindy
Age: 43
Location: USA
Question: I have been spending time with a man who I think is interested in me. When we are together he is very affectionate. We cuddle and touch a lot. However he never goes much further than that. Our kisses are chaste. He hasn't come on to me sexually. He has told me that he wants to been friends at this time. He's conflicted about relationships he tells me. Yet when I make the decision to pull away from him he does things to pull me back to him. He takes me out on dates; he volunteers his time to work on various projects with me. He takes himself out of his comfort zone to be with me. People who see us together think we are dating because of how we are with each other and the almost tangible energy that is between us. I've also been warned that he is a player. Yet he's never done anything sexually inappropriate with me and frankly I wish he would. He tells me that he respects me and values what we're building on. We get along really well. We talk about just about everything. We laugh, flirt and are very cozy when we're together. We just seem to get each other. But the sexual tension is driving me crazy. He seems to be as into me as I am him. He checks me out, makes delicious comments, whispers in my ear, kisses my neck when I least expect it, etc. I've gone out with a few guys during this three month period and not one of them excites me like this man. However a friend raised an interesting question. She wondered if he were gay but seriously on the down low. I hadn't thought of that because of his reputation as a player. She pointed out that he cuddles with a seriously hot and gorgeous woman (me) and is emotionally intimate with her but won't make a move on her. "No 47 year old straight man is that virtuous!" she says and has thus concluded that he's gay and uses numerous women to hide that fact. Based on what I've shared in the above story do you think I'm dealing with a gay Latino man on the down low? The other question would be if he's not gay is he simply not that into me and if he isn't then why does he spend so much time with me?
VictorM's advice:
I agree that no 47 year old is that virtuous, but I don't buy that he's gay. It's true that a reputation as a "player" could very well be a ways of disguising something, but since he's affectionate, touches and kisses you a lot, etc. I'd be more willing to consider one of two other alternatives:
One possibility is he knows that the current nice and easy going relationship goes out the door the day after you have sex. In our minds, women immediately go into relationship mode and wanting to know "what's next" after sex. It may not be so in your case, but that's what we are raised to believe. So his reluctance to have sex could be a fear that it would speed up things too quickly between you two.
The other possibility is that he has performance issues. At 47, the chances of erectile dysfunction (ED) is very much a possibility. That would not stop him from liking to touch you and kiss you, and from being sexually attracted to you, and it wouldn't even prevent him from getting an erection each time you get physical since ED is most often manifested in the inability to maintain an erection, not get one. The problem is: how do you address this with him? It's not an easy topic to bring up. One suggestion is for you to make up a friend who lives in another state, and somehow bring up the conversation that she had a boyfriend who had performance problems, that he went to a doctor, the doctor prescribed Cialis (or Viagra) and that now their sex life is great. I don't know how you'd slip this topic of conversation in, but I'll trust your ability to do so.
Anyway, I would consider these two options before the gay one. Of course, you could always wear pieces of clothing that clash to see if he says something. :)
Age: 43
Location: USA
Question: I have been spending time with a man who I think is interested in me. When we are together he is very affectionate. We cuddle and touch a lot. However he never goes much further than that. Our kisses are chaste. He hasn't come on to me sexually. He has told me that he wants to been friends at this time. He's conflicted about relationships he tells me. Yet when I make the decision to pull away from him he does things to pull me back to him. He takes me out on dates; he volunteers his time to work on various projects with me. He takes himself out of his comfort zone to be with me. People who see us together think we are dating because of how we are with each other and the almost tangible energy that is between us. I've also been warned that he is a player. Yet he's never done anything sexually inappropriate with me and frankly I wish he would. He tells me that he respects me and values what we're building on. We get along really well. We talk about just about everything. We laugh, flirt and are very cozy when we're together. We just seem to get each other. But the sexual tension is driving me crazy. He seems to be as into me as I am him. He checks me out, makes delicious comments, whispers in my ear, kisses my neck when I least expect it, etc. I've gone out with a few guys during this three month period and not one of them excites me like this man. However a friend raised an interesting question. She wondered if he were gay but seriously on the down low. I hadn't thought of that because of his reputation as a player. She pointed out that he cuddles with a seriously hot and gorgeous woman (me) and is emotionally intimate with her but won't make a move on her. "No 47 year old straight man is that virtuous!" she says and has thus concluded that he's gay and uses numerous women to hide that fact. Based on what I've shared in the above story do you think I'm dealing with a gay Latino man on the down low? The other question would be if he's not gay is he simply not that into me and if he isn't then why does he spend so much time with me?
VictorM's advice:
I agree that no 47 year old is that virtuous, but I don't buy that he's gay. It's true that a reputation as a "player" could very well be a ways of disguising something, but since he's affectionate, touches and kisses you a lot, etc. I'd be more willing to consider one of two other alternatives:
One possibility is he knows that the current nice and easy going relationship goes out the door the day after you have sex. In our minds, women immediately go into relationship mode and wanting to know "what's next" after sex. It may not be so in your case, but that's what we are raised to believe. So his reluctance to have sex could be a fear that it would speed up things too quickly between you two.
The other possibility is that he has performance issues. At 47, the chances of erectile dysfunction (ED) is very much a possibility. That would not stop him from liking to touch you and kiss you, and from being sexually attracted to you, and it wouldn't even prevent him from getting an erection each time you get physical since ED is most often manifested in the inability to maintain an erection, not get one. The problem is: how do you address this with him? It's not an easy topic to bring up. One suggestion is for you to make up a friend who lives in another state, and somehow bring up the conversation that she had a boyfriend who had performance problems, that he went to a doctor, the doctor prescribed Cialis (or Viagra) and that now their sex life is great. I don't know how you'd slip this topic of conversation in, but I'll trust your ability to do so.
Anyway, I would consider these two options before the gay one. Of course, you could always wear pieces of clothing that clash to see if he says something. :)
how do guys feel if a girl makes the first move?
By: Janelle
Age: 21
Location: Ohio
Question: I have a question that is short and sweet-how do guys feel if a girl makes the first move? I'm talking about kissing, but this could pertain to any kind of "making a move". Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
When in doubt, always let the guy make the first move. If he's not making it, there's a reason.
My rule of thumb about relationships, whether about sex or anything else, is this: you should move at the pace of the slowest one.
Age: 21
Location: Ohio
Question: I have a question that is short and sweet-how do guys feel if a girl makes the first move? I'm talking about kissing, but this could pertain to any kind of "making a move". Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
When in doubt, always let the guy make the first move. If he's not making it, there's a reason.
My rule of thumb about relationships, whether about sex or anything else, is this: you should move at the pace of the slowest one.
Can "best friends" be taken to another level?
By: carol
Age: 19
Location: florida
Question: Hello !
So my question is .... can "best friends" be taken to another level???
Our Past:
I been best friends with this guy for 4 years now. It all started back in sophomore year high school ,when i had a crush on him. We became close and started to hang out and what not. a year later i confessed my "Love" lol to him but he apparently did not feel the same :/ . So we both agreed in forgetting about what i said and keep up the relationship. Through out our "best friends" relationship i dated this guy for 3 years and he dated this girl for 2 years. We still hung out and were very close. My ex Use to HATE him and his ex use to HATE me. but we still managed to be close. We always have had this flirty and honest friendship.
Present day:
we are both single.... and...... I LIKE him alot!! i mean a lot lol. Every time we hang out its always laughing and secretly flirting. We always end up talking about relationships and what type of person we would like to date. And how we both want something serious and blah blah.
Now the PROBLEM:
Every time we talk about relationships we are constantly back firing each other, for example if i say : "i wanna wait to date some one at least 2 years" he would say " yea, me too, i wanna wait" or .. if not i will start mention some of the guys i have talked to ... he will start mentioning other girls.
and onceeeee in a blue moon he will text or call. Just to see if i'm alive or maybe hang out haha. so i won't text or call either only to see if he is alive or to hang out haha
We both are the flirty type so i am scared i might be misunderstanding him.!!! :/ :/
But see:
1. I went to his b day party and his attention was all on me. he would dance with other chicks but still he kept glancing at me. he made the whole party stop and cut his cake because i asked him to. He walked me to my car while he never did that to anyone else.
2. Everyone says i am blind that he "likes me" that everyone can see it.
3.We went to the fair one day, and he was with a group of friends. when i arrived to say hello EVERYONE was "like ohhh so you are Diana" , "we know all about you", "you might not know us ,but we know you", "He talks about you all the time"
4. Also we always stare at each other with this mysterious look ... like flirty, smiley, trying to say something kinda look haha.
5. Also we both went to a surprise party and one of my friends asked us if we were dating. i was like "No he is my Best friend" and he Quickly jumped saying " Yea i have known her for a long time."
So my friend was like SUREEEEEEE and we both turned RED RED RED we didn't even look at each other. then later through the party he brought it up and said "that was awkward" and i said the same...... once again we started talking about RELATIONSHIPS. i started to mention a guy i had met........ and minutes later he said " i think that friend of yours was CUTE" so i back fired saying " You don't got that Big of a game!!!" and then he brought up the past saying " well to my understanding i do got game , Diana you are HARD to get and you liked me" so i quickly defended my self.... by saying " sweetie get OVER it ,that was the past!! plus i am not going to discuss about this now, we will talk later" ............... later came..... and he kept bringing it up bugging me by saying " so ,when are we gonna talk about it? " and he kept bugging but i ignored.
sooooo??? i LIKE him but uhhh i dont think he does.... im scared to get rejected once again..... any advice??? please????
I feel like i am just miss understanding this whole thing but then i think i choose to be blind :/
VictorM's advice:
It's OK, Diana, I'll call you Carol anyway. :-p
Friendships such as yours ultimately have one of two ends: you either become a couple, or you fade away for good.
The dynamics of your relationship changed when you confessed your love for him. Almost every time a girl does that, the results are the opposite of what she intended. That's because girls simply have a totally different expectation of relationships than guys do, but you think guys will behave as you would behave. Not so.
Few things in life boost a guy's ego more than an attractive girl liking him more than he likes her. And since guys, once they are past the lust phase, take a lot longer to develop feelings for a girl than the girl for the guy, this means that almost always, whenever there is mutual attraction, the girl is going to develop feelings first. So once you confessed those feelings before he developed feelings for you, he was both in control and with an inflated ego.
So the question is: why should a guy get stuck on a girl he knows is more into him than he is into her, when he can enjoy her company, exercise his control over her, and still be free to enjoy other girls without any guilt? Well, you've gotten the answer to that question -- most guys, and this one in particular, simply would not choose to get stuck. (As I always say: girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom).
"But, but, but..." you're asking, "if he likes me, wouldn't he want to be with only me, have sex with only me?" To which I reply: hahahahahahaha you really don't know men at all, do you?
Listen: as long as he can spend time with you, if and when he wants to, vanish when he wants to, get together with other girls when he wants to, and still get your flirty, "I'm so in love with you" looks, nothing will change. Life is pleasant for him as is and he'll take it as long as he can.
Age: 19
Location: florida
Question: Hello !
So my question is .... can "best friends" be taken to another level???
Our Past:
I been best friends with this guy for 4 years now. It all started back in sophomore year high school ,when i had a crush on him. We became close and started to hang out and what not. a year later i confessed my "Love" lol to him but he apparently did not feel the same :/ . So we both agreed in forgetting about what i said and keep up the relationship. Through out our "best friends" relationship i dated this guy for 3 years and he dated this girl for 2 years. We still hung out and were very close. My ex Use to HATE him and his ex use to HATE me. but we still managed to be close. We always have had this flirty and honest friendship.
Present day:
we are both single.... and...... I LIKE him alot!! i mean a lot lol. Every time we hang out its always laughing and secretly flirting. We always end up talking about relationships and what type of person we would like to date. And how we both want something serious and blah blah.
Now the PROBLEM:
Every time we talk about relationships we are constantly back firing each other, for example if i say : "i wanna wait to date some one at least 2 years" he would say " yea, me too, i wanna wait" or .. if not i will start mention some of the guys i have talked to ... he will start mentioning other girls.
and onceeeee in a blue moon he will text or call. Just to see if i'm alive or maybe hang out haha. so i won't text or call either only to see if he is alive or to hang out haha
We both are the flirty type so i am scared i might be misunderstanding him.!!! :/ :/
But see:
1. I went to his b day party and his attention was all on me. he would dance with other chicks but still he kept glancing at me. he made the whole party stop and cut his cake because i asked him to. He walked me to my car while he never did that to anyone else.
2. Everyone says i am blind that he "likes me" that everyone can see it.
3.We went to the fair one day, and he was with a group of friends. when i arrived to say hello EVERYONE was "like ohhh so you are Diana" , "we know all about you", "you might not know us ,but we know you", "He talks about you all the time"
4. Also we always stare at each other with this mysterious look ... like flirty, smiley, trying to say something kinda look haha.
5. Also we both went to a surprise party and one of my friends asked us if we were dating. i was like "No he is my Best friend" and he Quickly jumped saying " Yea i have known her for a long time."
So my friend was like SUREEEEEEE and we both turned RED RED RED we didn't even look at each other. then later through the party he brought it up and said "that was awkward" and i said the same...... once again we started talking about RELATIONSHIPS. i started to mention a guy i had met........ and minutes later he said " i think that friend of yours was CUTE" so i back fired saying " You don't got that Big of a game!!!" and then he brought up the past saying " well to my understanding i do got game , Diana you are HARD to get and you liked me" so i quickly defended my self.... by saying " sweetie get OVER it ,that was the past!! plus i am not going to discuss about this now, we will talk later" ............... later came..... and he kept bringing it up bugging me by saying " so ,when are we gonna talk about it? " and he kept bugging but i ignored.
sooooo??? i LIKE him but uhhh i dont think he does.... im scared to get rejected once again..... any advice??? please????
I feel like i am just miss understanding this whole thing but then i think i choose to be blind :/
VictorM's advice:
It's OK, Diana, I'll call you Carol anyway. :-p
Friendships such as yours ultimately have one of two ends: you either become a couple, or you fade away for good.
The dynamics of your relationship changed when you confessed your love for him. Almost every time a girl does that, the results are the opposite of what she intended. That's because girls simply have a totally different expectation of relationships than guys do, but you think guys will behave as you would behave. Not so.
Few things in life boost a guy's ego more than an attractive girl liking him more than he likes her. And since guys, once they are past the lust phase, take a lot longer to develop feelings for a girl than the girl for the guy, this means that almost always, whenever there is mutual attraction, the girl is going to develop feelings first. So once you confessed those feelings before he developed feelings for you, he was both in control and with an inflated ego.
So the question is: why should a guy get stuck on a girl he knows is more into him than he is into her, when he can enjoy her company, exercise his control over her, and still be free to enjoy other girls without any guilt? Well, you've gotten the answer to that question -- most guys, and this one in particular, simply would not choose to get stuck. (As I always say: girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom).
"But, but, but..." you're asking, "if he likes me, wouldn't he want to be with only me, have sex with only me?" To which I reply: hahahahahahaha you really don't know men at all, do you?
Listen: as long as he can spend time with you, if and when he wants to, vanish when he wants to, get together with other girls when he wants to, and still get your flirty, "I'm so in love with you" looks, nothing will change. Life is pleasant for him as is and he'll take it as long as he can.
Message for Ragu
Yes, that was the state I meant.
I can't tell you how I knew and let everyone know my secrets. :)
I can't tell you how I knew and let everyone know my secrets. :)
It kinda scares me!
By: Lucy
Age: 20
Location: Indianapolis
Question: I have met the guy in which I would like to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not one to be so sure so quickly about anything, but this I'm positive about. It kinda scares me! When we first met, things went really fast in a short amount of time (emotionally, not necessarily physically). We are both in college and had met in early March. We saw each other every single day since then.
Over summer we stayed together, but he pressured me into making promises I didn't wish to make which would end up with me breaking them. This hurt him and he believed that he would do anything for me, but I wouldn't return that for him. I'm not a virgin, but he is - and at first that bothered him, but now he's ok with it. We broke up at the end of the summer because I had lied to him once again about something stupid. Since then, we have willingly been together, however, he recently told me that he kind of "played the field". He had hit on a friend's ex online, sent a dirty picture of himself to a random girl, let 2 girls be all over him, and flirted/lead one on. He never cheated on me.
After he told me this, I had said I wanted nothing to do with him and that we were over. He had said he lost himself over time (he is very religious, as am I) and needed to do some soul searching. After a couple of weeks, we saw each other. At first it was awkward, but now everything is the way it was before. I had heard he told a friend that he either wants to go all in or see if something better comes along, but he's not sure which. However, this friend was also having relationship issues at the time and he may have said that to comfort her. I haven't asked him.
He says he loves me and doesn't want to "play the field" but if I do, he understands. He also has sworn that he will not hurt me. He has been afraid to go back into a real relationship and I've been waiting for awhile. What should I do/what does this mean? Any help would be great.
VictorM's advice:
He has not been afraid to go back into a relationship with you; he simply doesn't want a relationship with you because he doesn't feel strongly enough about you. Period. Guys tend to feel that way about girls who lie to them. And it's difficult -- nearly impossible -- to get the magic back once that happens.
Age: 20
Location: Indianapolis
Question: I have met the guy in which I would like to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not one to be so sure so quickly about anything, but this I'm positive about. It kinda scares me! When we first met, things went really fast in a short amount of time (emotionally, not necessarily physically). We are both in college and had met in early March. We saw each other every single day since then.
Over summer we stayed together, but he pressured me into making promises I didn't wish to make which would end up with me breaking them. This hurt him and he believed that he would do anything for me, but I wouldn't return that for him. I'm not a virgin, but he is - and at first that bothered him, but now he's ok with it. We broke up at the end of the summer because I had lied to him once again about something stupid. Since then, we have willingly been together, however, he recently told me that he kind of "played the field". He had hit on a friend's ex online, sent a dirty picture of himself to a random girl, let 2 girls be all over him, and flirted/lead one on. He never cheated on me.
After he told me this, I had said I wanted nothing to do with him and that we were over. He had said he lost himself over time (he is very religious, as am I) and needed to do some soul searching. After a couple of weeks, we saw each other. At first it was awkward, but now everything is the way it was before. I had heard he told a friend that he either wants to go all in or see if something better comes along, but he's not sure which. However, this friend was also having relationship issues at the time and he may have said that to comfort her. I haven't asked him.
He says he loves me and doesn't want to "play the field" but if I do, he understands. He also has sworn that he will not hurt me. He has been afraid to go back into a real relationship and I've been waiting for awhile. What should I do/what does this mean? Any help would be great.
VictorM's advice:
He has not been afraid to go back into a relationship with you; he simply doesn't want a relationship with you because he doesn't feel strongly enough about you. Period. Guys tend to feel that way about girls who lie to them. And it's difficult -- nearly impossible -- to get the magic back once that happens.
I'm so flustered and confused right now
By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello Mr. V,
Please forgive me for my constant posting, it's just that I really need this...
My boyfriend and I were somehow continuing our convo about the long distance and he was like he doesn't know what to do right now; he has two huge things in his life, me and school. I told him that I would move out the way so he can focus and he protested. We said goodnight, but I told him that I was still moving out his way. This was three days ago...we haven't talked since and I am just off my rockers. I'm so flustered and confused right now that I just want to end the relationship and move on, but I still have strong feelings for him. It seems as if i'm losing interest with him and is ready to take flight, but my friend told me to be patient and wait. I really don't know what to do, but something keeps telling me to end it right away...I don't want to be blamed for him not being able to maintain his schoolwork and his girlfriend because I was hurt like that before and honestly, it's not my fault. I handle my work just fine; I have 8 classes including 4 high school courses and 4 college courses and he only has 6 classes yet I can keep a boyfriend and keep him interested.
Please, Mr. V, what is the issue? Do I break it off or just be patient and wait till he's ready...whether it's to catch up on school or dump me. Do you agree with the fact that he's just too lazy to have a girlfriend even though I am his first girl in two years?
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend isn't just loaded with work -- he wants to end your relationship but without being the mean one, so he's giving you excuses. They're just excuses.
You can either break it off or wait till he does. Either way, your relationship is over. All that's left is how you want to handle it. If you wait for him, you could be waiting a long time, as I'm sure he's not getting flustered about it, like you are.
Call him, tell him you wish him luck in school and in life, but that you've decided to break it off. Then go out, get some new clothes, new shoes, a new haircut, and start smiling at cute boys. Your life, and school work, will be much better off.
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello Mr. V,
Please forgive me for my constant posting, it's just that I really need this...
My boyfriend and I were somehow continuing our convo about the long distance and he was like he doesn't know what to do right now; he has two huge things in his life, me and school. I told him that I would move out the way so he can focus and he protested. We said goodnight, but I told him that I was still moving out his way. This was three days ago...we haven't talked since and I am just off my rockers. I'm so flustered and confused right now that I just want to end the relationship and move on, but I still have strong feelings for him. It seems as if i'm losing interest with him and is ready to take flight, but my friend told me to be patient and wait. I really don't know what to do, but something keeps telling me to end it right away...I don't want to be blamed for him not being able to maintain his schoolwork and his girlfriend because I was hurt like that before and honestly, it's not my fault. I handle my work just fine; I have 8 classes including 4 high school courses and 4 college courses and he only has 6 classes yet I can keep a boyfriend and keep him interested.
Please, Mr. V, what is the issue? Do I break it off or just be patient and wait till he's ready...whether it's to catch up on school or dump me. Do you agree with the fact that he's just too lazy to have a girlfriend even though I am his first girl in two years?
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend isn't just loaded with work -- he wants to end your relationship but without being the mean one, so he's giving you excuses. They're just excuses.
You can either break it off or wait till he does. Either way, your relationship is over. All that's left is how you want to handle it. If you wait for him, you could be waiting a long time, as I'm sure he's not getting flustered about it, like you are.
Call him, tell him you wish him luck in school and in life, but that you've decided to break it off. Then go out, get some new clothes, new shoes, a new haircut, and start smiling at cute boys. Your life, and school work, will be much better off.
he calls me honey and babe
By: Rachel
Age: 39
Location: conroe
Question: I really like this guy, but he never really asks me out, he calls me honey and babe all the time, we've known each other for 4 months and it has always been me who asks for the date. whats the problem? or we make plans, he goes for it, and then tells me the guys asked him to watch the nascar. He say's he doesn't want to take me because he would be to much into me instead of his friends, is this normal.
VictorM's advice:
You rank nowhere of importance in his life. After 4 months, that's not likely to change.
His behavior is very normal, for a guy who isn't into you.
Age: 39
Location: conroe
Question: I really like this guy, but he never really asks me out, he calls me honey and babe all the time, we've known each other for 4 months and it has always been me who asks for the date. whats the problem? or we make plans, he goes for it, and then tells me the guys asked him to watch the nascar. He say's he doesn't want to take me because he would be to much into me instead of his friends, is this normal.
VictorM's advice:
You rank nowhere of importance in his life. After 4 months, that's not likely to change.
His behavior is very normal, for a guy who isn't into you.
he has a child by another woman
By: angela
Age: 35
Location: chesterfield
Question: I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months and I really like him. The problem is he has a child by another woman. He says that he is not interested in her anymore, but she still considers them to be together. I understand that he loves his son, but he's with him until about 9 or 10:00 p.m. after he picks him up from daycare, etc. and then he stops by to see me. It seems that when we are just chillin his phone rings and he leaves the room to answer it. He only talks for about 3 minutes, but I know that it is her. Should I be worried about him getting back with her? I don't want to get hurt.
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he would ever go back with her, but absent more information, I'd take him at his word that he's not interested in her. But, on the other hand, she's going to be in the picture for many, many years.
You can't just have him. She, and their child, are part of the package, whether you like it or not.
Age: 35
Location: chesterfield
Question: I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months and I really like him. The problem is he has a child by another woman. He says that he is not interested in her anymore, but she still considers them to be together. I understand that he loves his son, but he's with him until about 9 or 10:00 p.m. after he picks him up from daycare, etc. and then he stops by to see me. It seems that when we are just chillin his phone rings and he leaves the room to answer it. He only talks for about 3 minutes, but I know that it is her. Should I be worried about him getting back with her? I don't want to get hurt.
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he would ever go back with her, but absent more information, I'd take him at his word that he's not interested in her. But, on the other hand, she's going to be in the picture for many, many years.
You can't just have him. She, and their child, are part of the package, whether you like it or not.
I didn't really try to hard to make friends
By: Miranda
Age: 19
Location: Florida
Question: Hey, thanks for the advice you gave me a while back...I'm a quick learner so when I FINALLY became aware of the issue...I handled it. We're still cool, but not like that. Uhhh...I have another situation now.
I went with some friends out of town and we ended up stopping by one of her friends' house. He was having a get together, so I ended up meeting a few new people. I didn't really try to hard to make friends but all the guys started to gravitate toward me even though they all had girlfriends. The single guy of the bunch asked me to dance. I danced with him and the whole night he sat beside me, talked to me, tried holding my hand, etc. He would occasionally leave and then he would come right back. Basically, whereever I was, less than five minutes later he was there. Just to get some fresh air, I went to another area where his friend was sitting. His friend then pulled me to the side and told me that the guy had been coming back and forth to ask him questions about me. Although he never gave me his number or asked for mine, he kept pulling out his phone and messing with it. The girls and I left and ended up talking to the guys friend again. He asked did he give me his number and I told him no. He then assured me that he'd be hearing from the guy soon. The next day I get a call from the guys friend and he informed me that the guy called him once again asking about me that morning. I gave him my number to give to him. I didnt hear from him til about three days later. I don't think of this as a big deal but between that time the guy's friend kept calling him and asking did he call me yet. He even called me through his girl to ask had he called me. It got even worse because instead of just casually asking since he was the impatient one, he was telling him that I was waiting for his call. After he finally did contact me, I started casual convo a couple times but it was always awkward short convos. I don't want to keep calling and texting him and give off that very unattractive annoying vibe. What I really want to know is:
1. Was he truly interested, could he be shy, or could it just have been a pretty girl impulse thing?
2. How do I let him know without being too harsh or giving him an ultimatum that he's going to have to make some effort to show his interest?
3. What kind of signs should I first look for as to whether it's casual flirting or more?
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you passed the 24 hour rule with this guy. That is, during the party, and with all the guys giving you attention, you became an attraction. Then he slept on it, and now, while he doesn't want to burn any bridges, he's not as enthusiastic.
The best you can do is go about your life as if nothing happened, because, frankly, nothing happened.
All flirting is casual. All of it, all the time.
Age: 19
Location: Florida
Question: Hey, thanks for the advice you gave me a while back...I'm a quick learner so when I FINALLY became aware of the issue...I handled it. We're still cool, but not like that. Uhhh...I have another situation now.
I went with some friends out of town and we ended up stopping by one of her friends' house. He was having a get together, so I ended up meeting a few new people. I didn't really try to hard to make friends but all the guys started to gravitate toward me even though they all had girlfriends. The single guy of the bunch asked me to dance. I danced with him and the whole night he sat beside me, talked to me, tried holding my hand, etc. He would occasionally leave and then he would come right back. Basically, whereever I was, less than five minutes later he was there. Just to get some fresh air, I went to another area where his friend was sitting. His friend then pulled me to the side and told me that the guy had been coming back and forth to ask him questions about me. Although he never gave me his number or asked for mine, he kept pulling out his phone and messing with it. The girls and I left and ended up talking to the guys friend again. He asked did he give me his number and I told him no. He then assured me that he'd be hearing from the guy soon. The next day I get a call from the guys friend and he informed me that the guy called him once again asking about me that morning. I gave him my number to give to him. I didnt hear from him til about three days later. I don't think of this as a big deal but between that time the guy's friend kept calling him and asking did he call me yet. He even called me through his girl to ask had he called me. It got even worse because instead of just casually asking since he was the impatient one, he was telling him that I was waiting for his call. After he finally did contact me, I started casual convo a couple times but it was always awkward short convos. I don't want to keep calling and texting him and give off that very unattractive annoying vibe. What I really want to know is:
1. Was he truly interested, could he be shy, or could it just have been a pretty girl impulse thing?
2. How do I let him know without being too harsh or giving him an ultimatum that he's going to have to make some effort to show his interest?
3. What kind of signs should I first look for as to whether it's casual flirting or more?
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you passed the 24 hour rule with this guy. That is, during the party, and with all the guys giving you attention, you became an attraction. Then he slept on it, and now, while he doesn't want to burn any bridges, he's not as enthusiastic.
The best you can do is go about your life as if nothing happened, because, frankly, nothing happened.
All flirting is casual. All of it, all the time.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
I am so confused about Tomato
By: Ragu
Question: Hey Victor!! Ok so i am probably gonna write to you once a week. Haha you will get sick of me!
Anyway I am so confused about Tomato. For starters i have boosted my confidence around him so now it's better but then I don't know what to do. If we aren't in science class we don't talk and what happens if my teacher moves out seats? Then what!? Ah I think she is gonna change out seats soon! I really like him and every day i like him even more and know him more. How do i keep in touch with him? Oh and today we were in science talking and laughing but today I did notice a slight difference maybe. It could be my imagination but he was smiling more and i think towards me and when he would talk he would look into my eyes I think. And would it also mean anything if he noticed what i was wearing and then said 'Hey we're both wearing blue!' But then right after a short pause he said oh and is his person and that person. I don't know but i did notice a difference in him today! I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't want to jump to conclusions but i do think he may like me (even though we kinda come from two different sides of the school). But there is a connection between us and i can feel t when I see him and when he looks at me but i'm not sure if he feels. He is bound to though. Today I think we were both different. In a way i feel like we both are more comfortable with each other and just say whats on our minds and see what the other says. Weird right but still Thanks!!!
VictorM's advice:
A weekly question from Ragu? Bring it on! I can handle it. :)
Noticing your clothing and making associations between you two is a good sign.
Just let things progress as they are, it seems they are heading in a good direction. But remember that boys your age aren't necessarily ready for any boyfriend/girlfriend thing. They can be very unpredictable and very fickle. But I think this tomato is turning into ketchup right before your eyes. :)
Have you befriended each other on facebook yet?
PS. Do you live in a state with a currently very popular "reality" show named after it? (I won't post your answer. I'm just curious.)
Question: Hey Victor!! Ok so i am probably gonna write to you once a week. Haha you will get sick of me!
Anyway I am so confused about Tomato. For starters i have boosted my confidence around him so now it's better but then I don't know what to do. If we aren't in science class we don't talk and what happens if my teacher moves out seats? Then what!? Ah I think she is gonna change out seats soon! I really like him and every day i like him even more and know him more. How do i keep in touch with him? Oh and today we were in science talking and laughing but today I did notice a slight difference maybe. It could be my imagination but he was smiling more and i think towards me and when he would talk he would look into my eyes I think. And would it also mean anything if he noticed what i was wearing and then said 'Hey we're both wearing blue!' But then right after a short pause he said oh and is his person and that person. I don't know but i did notice a difference in him today! I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't want to jump to conclusions but i do think he may like me (even though we kinda come from two different sides of the school). But there is a connection between us and i can feel t when I see him and when he looks at me but i'm not sure if he feels. He is bound to though. Today I think we were both different. In a way i feel like we both are more comfortable with each other and just say whats on our minds and see what the other says. Weird right but still Thanks!!!
VictorM's advice:
A weekly question from Ragu? Bring it on! I can handle it. :)
Noticing your clothing and making associations between you two is a good sign.
Just let things progress as they are, it seems they are heading in a good direction. But remember that boys your age aren't necessarily ready for any boyfriend/girlfriend thing. They can be very unpredictable and very fickle. But I think this tomato is turning into ketchup right before your eyes. :)
Have you befriended each other on facebook yet?
PS. Do you live in a state with a currently very popular "reality" show named after it? (I won't post your answer. I'm just curious.)
I was just thinking it was sex
By: Marie
Age: 30
Location: Seattle
Question: I have slept with this guy a few times and we haven't really "defined" what this relationship is. I was just thinking it was sex, since we both got out of a long-term relationship about 5-6 months ago. Now he won't "see" me until he takes me to dinner. Why? Is he feeling guilty? Does he think its what I want? I am fine with just sex at the moment. I do like him I just dont want to take his actions the wrong way and misread signs.
VictorM's advice:
What is reasons are don't matter; if taking you to dinner first is what he wants to do, enjoy the free meals. And the sex after. Avoid too much garlic.
Age: 30
Location: Seattle
Question: I have slept with this guy a few times and we haven't really "defined" what this relationship is. I was just thinking it was sex, since we both got out of a long-term relationship about 5-6 months ago. Now he won't "see" me until he takes me to dinner. Why? Is he feeling guilty? Does he think its what I want? I am fine with just sex at the moment. I do like him I just dont want to take his actions the wrong way and misread signs.
VictorM's advice:
What is reasons are don't matter; if taking you to dinner first is what he wants to do, enjoy the free meals. And the sex after. Avoid too much garlic.
he was always wanting to see me
By: JC
Age: 27
Location: USA
Question: ok so i started seeing this guy who was a friend of an ex (I know, big no no). anyways when we started dating he was always wanting to see me. Then a couple of weeks later I had some major things happen in my life and he started getting distant. It started with him not calling me when he said he would. so i just stopped calling and now he calls every few days to see how i'm doing. He says he misses me and wants me to call him more often, but when i call him he's busy and says he will call me back, i won't get a phone call for days i have no plans to call him untill he starts calling more and making dates. i just wanna know if i'm doing the right thing not calling him.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you're doing the right thing, but sometimes, through no fault of your own, you just cease being a priority in a guy's life, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Seems like that's what happened here. He still sees you from time to time either because he lacks the courage to tell you he's not interested or because he thinks you're a good enough filler to keep around for rainy days.
Keep your options open and date other guys.
Age: 27
Location: USA
Question: ok so i started seeing this guy who was a friend of an ex (I know, big no no). anyways when we started dating he was always wanting to see me. Then a couple of weeks later I had some major things happen in my life and he started getting distant. It started with him not calling me when he said he would. so i just stopped calling and now he calls every few days to see how i'm doing. He says he misses me and wants me to call him more often, but when i call him he's busy and says he will call me back, i won't get a phone call for days i have no plans to call him untill he starts calling more and making dates. i just wanna know if i'm doing the right thing not calling him.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you're doing the right thing, but sometimes, through no fault of your own, you just cease being a priority in a guy's life, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Seems like that's what happened here. He still sees you from time to time either because he lacks the courage to tell you he's not interested or because he thinks you're a good enough filler to keep around for rainy days.
Keep your options open and date other guys.
I have some sort of crush on him
By: Mel
Age: 19
Location: Canada
Question: Hello Victor!
So I've met this guy & I have some sort of crush on him, but he told me he never got completely over this one girl he dated, I've no idea when they broke but I believe it's been some months already.
Do you think I should keep acting like I am or just give up since he still has feelings for this girl?
It might be dangerous, I don't know, I'm so confused.
Thanks! Have a nice weekend x.
VictorM's advice:
Stick with it. Guys are stuck on the last girlfriend until they meet one that eventually they get excited and then it's "ex who?"
Have a great weekend yourself. :)
Age: 19
Location: Canada
Question: Hello Victor!
So I've met this guy & I have some sort of crush on him, but he told me he never got completely over this one girl he dated, I've no idea when they broke but I believe it's been some months already.
Do you think I should keep acting like I am or just give up since he still has feelings for this girl?
It might be dangerous, I don't know, I'm so confused.
Thanks! Have a nice weekend x.
VictorM's advice:
Stick with it. Guys are stuck on the last girlfriend until they meet one that eventually they get excited and then it's "ex who?"
Have a great weekend yourself. :)
I'm sick of this
By: Tara
Age: 28
Question: This probably sounds like an odd question, and it's a slim chance, but I'm only going to give this one last shot before walking away for good.
If there is one trick in the book to win a guy back, long distance, what would it be? We broke up from problems but were still really attracted to each other, and then we had to go long distance. Because I'm not there, he's now dating other girls, and I'm the clingy ex who can't let go. I'm sick of this and want to only give it one more attempt before going full NC. Is there anything at all which can be done to turn a guy's heart back and make him regret giving up a girl. Hoping there is some male 'secret' here that I am not aware of!
VictorM's advice:
No! None!
Clingy ex, long distance, he already has a gf... three strikes and you're out! Your options are zero, none, nil.
Spend your energies on some local guy, but before you do, go to a therapist to deal with the clingy girlfriend issue or the story will repeat many times over.
Age: 28
Question: This probably sounds like an odd question, and it's a slim chance, but I'm only going to give this one last shot before walking away for good.
If there is one trick in the book to win a guy back, long distance, what would it be? We broke up from problems but were still really attracted to each other, and then we had to go long distance. Because I'm not there, he's now dating other girls, and I'm the clingy ex who can't let go. I'm sick of this and want to only give it one more attempt before going full NC. Is there anything at all which can be done to turn a guy's heart back and make him regret giving up a girl. Hoping there is some male 'secret' here that I am not aware of!
VictorM's advice:
No! None!
Clingy ex, long distance, he already has a gf... three strikes and you're out! Your options are zero, none, nil.
Spend your energies on some local guy, but before you do, go to a therapist to deal with the clingy girlfriend issue or the story will repeat many times over.
I am lucky to have a wonderful man
By: Lee
Age: 33
Location: canada
Question: Hello, I am lucky to have a wonderful man who highly values teamwork in our relationship of 2 and a half years and treats me and our children great. He is almost ten years older, and at this time has lost one parent last year and will lose the other this year or next. He works six days a week to help provide. He is drained and stressed out to the max. How can I help him deal with everything without adding an extra stress factor? He keeps telling he's fine, handling it and not to worry but I can see he's hurting and I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
You help him deal with all the stress by not helping him! That's right, do NOT help him.
Men like to deal with their own issues, solve their own problems, and hate to depend on others. Just listen, give him back rubs, let him know that you love him and appreciate him, and let him be the strong man he wants to be.
Guys get consolation dealing with things by themselves, working hard, providing for their family, and giving them security. Let him!
Age: 33
Location: canada
Question: Hello, I am lucky to have a wonderful man who highly values teamwork in our relationship of 2 and a half years and treats me and our children great. He is almost ten years older, and at this time has lost one parent last year and will lose the other this year or next. He works six days a week to help provide. He is drained and stressed out to the max. How can I help him deal with everything without adding an extra stress factor? He keeps telling he's fine, handling it and not to worry but I can see he's hurting and I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
You help him deal with all the stress by not helping him! That's right, do NOT help him.
Men like to deal with their own issues, solve their own problems, and hate to depend on others. Just listen, give him back rubs, let him know that you love him and appreciate him, and let him be the strong man he wants to be.
Guys get consolation dealing with things by themselves, working hard, providing for their family, and giving them security. Let him!
Found multiple naked pictures of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend
By: Jenny
Age: 29
Location: Chicago, IL
Question: Found multiple naked pictures of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend on his "recently viewed documents" on his computer. Confronted him and he said he had no idea they were still on there, that he has never looked at them since we've been dating, deleted them on the spot and told me he would do anything to be with me...blah, blah, blah...
I think he looks at them and masturbates, which I find weird and am all paranoid about it. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're paranoid for no reason. Guys look at pictures of naked women with zero emotional attachment, exes or otherwise. And after a few peeks, the same pictures lose their effect anyway.
Age: 29
Location: Chicago, IL
Question: Found multiple naked pictures of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend on his "recently viewed documents" on his computer. Confronted him and he said he had no idea they were still on there, that he has never looked at them since we've been dating, deleted them on the spot and told me he would do anything to be with me...blah, blah, blah...
I think he looks at them and masturbates, which I find weird and am all paranoid about it. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're paranoid for no reason. Guys look at pictures of naked women with zero emotional attachment, exes or otherwise. And after a few peeks, the same pictures lose their effect anyway.
the guy i like texted me saying he wanted to hang out
By: cassie
Age: 17
Location: washington
Question: the guy i like texted me saying he wanted to hang out. i said: "sure." Then a few days later i texted him saying: "hey, so when do you want to hang out?" and he never responded. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Texting you then was a form of communication, so is ignoring you now.
Why would a guy do this? Maybe you saying "sure" was all that he needed to hear to feel good about himself. Maybe he'll still respond to you.
What do you do? Realize that the guy you like doesn't like you as much as you like him. At least now you know.
Age: 17
Location: washington
Question: the guy i like texted me saying he wanted to hang out. i said: "sure." Then a few days later i texted him saying: "hey, so when do you want to hang out?" and he never responded. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Texting you then was a form of communication, so is ignoring you now.
Why would a guy do this? Maybe you saying "sure" was all that he needed to hear to feel good about himself. Maybe he'll still respond to you.
What do you do? Realize that the guy you like doesn't like you as much as you like him. At least now you know.
I met this girl who had a boyfriend
By: Bill
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: I met this girl who had a boyfriend, at the time, and throughout the time we've spent together, we became closer and closer of friends. According to her, I am now an important part of her life, and irreplaceable. I soon grew to love this girl, and still do. Just recently she broke up with her boyfriend, and I thought this was the perfect opportunity to move in, however, she doesn't seem to realize that I feel the way I do about her, and is still a little caught up on this other guy. I want to know, what should I do? Should I tell her how i truly feel? Or should I just wait it out and see how she feels about me later on?
VictorM's advice:
Don't do anything until you hear from female readers who will comment in the Visitor Comments section (ladies: won't you please help Bill with your opinions?) Come back in the days ahead to see the feedback. And I would place more value in their opinions than in mine. Nevertheless, this is what I'd say:
Tell her how you feel! But don't expect a positive answer right away. You may need to give her time to process this information. With girls, you need to get in their mind. The more they think about you, the better your changes that she'll reciprocate.
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: I met this girl who had a boyfriend, at the time, and throughout the time we've spent together, we became closer and closer of friends. According to her, I am now an important part of her life, and irreplaceable. I soon grew to love this girl, and still do. Just recently she broke up with her boyfriend, and I thought this was the perfect opportunity to move in, however, she doesn't seem to realize that I feel the way I do about her, and is still a little caught up on this other guy. I want to know, what should I do? Should I tell her how i truly feel? Or should I just wait it out and see how she feels about me later on?
VictorM's advice:
Don't do anything until you hear from female readers who will comment in the Visitor Comments section (ladies: won't you please help Bill with your opinions?) Come back in the days ahead to see the feedback. And I would place more value in their opinions than in mine. Nevertheless, this is what I'd say:
Tell her how you feel! But don't expect a positive answer right away. You may need to give her time to process this information. With girls, you need to get in their mind. The more they think about you, the better your changes that she'll reciprocate.
I met this guy and we started hooking up
By: ellie
Question: Victor,
I know I told you I would not write to you anymore but I need your advice about something that is tearing me apart. Please please answer this question, even if its just a short answer.
Basically, I told you earlier that I met this guy and we started hooking up. My best friend and I were staying at his house for a while because we had no apartment at the time. After a few weeks he stopped hooking up with me and he started being really mean to me, rude and humiliating me in front of people.
At this point, one day I broke down crying and he apologized and stopped being rude to me and just became really cold. He also started being very cozy with my best friend.
We have all been living together for a couple of months now. Anyway, my best friend told me a couple of days ago that they have been hooking up since me and him stopped hooking up and in fact, the first night we all met she had hooked up with him. I didn't hook up with him until a while after that. I had no idea or I never would have hooked up with him after that. Anyway I told her it was ok even though I feel very hurt, both because she knew I cared about him and also because he was so mean to me for a while and she hooked up with him anyway.
After that I spoke to him and I asked him if I was really that awful and he said I shouldn't feel bad and that him and my friend are hooking up and definitely not dating. Then that day she left for the day and he started kissing me and I hooked up with him even though I felt terrible. Then today she came back and they are hanging out without me again.
Why would he do that? Why would he hook up with her one time, then hook up with me for a few weeks, and then go back to her, and then hook up with me one last time? And is it wront to feel upset and hurt, especially at her? I feel so bad and worse we all live together so we are all together all the time. I can't even look at her right now because she is supposed to be my best friend.
Please tell me what's going on. This is breaking my heart.
VictorM's advice:
Because for a guy, hooking up has nothing to do with the heart. You and your friend are females, breathing, and not his mother -- that's good enough to have fun with. And that's all he's doing.
Question: Victor,
I know I told you I would not write to you anymore but I need your advice about something that is tearing me apart. Please please answer this question, even if its just a short answer.
Basically, I told you earlier that I met this guy and we started hooking up. My best friend and I were staying at his house for a while because we had no apartment at the time. After a few weeks he stopped hooking up with me and he started being really mean to me, rude and humiliating me in front of people.
At this point, one day I broke down crying and he apologized and stopped being rude to me and just became really cold. He also started being very cozy with my best friend.
We have all been living together for a couple of months now. Anyway, my best friend told me a couple of days ago that they have been hooking up since me and him stopped hooking up and in fact, the first night we all met she had hooked up with him. I didn't hook up with him until a while after that. I had no idea or I never would have hooked up with him after that. Anyway I told her it was ok even though I feel very hurt, both because she knew I cared about him and also because he was so mean to me for a while and she hooked up with him anyway.
After that I spoke to him and I asked him if I was really that awful and he said I shouldn't feel bad and that him and my friend are hooking up and definitely not dating. Then that day she left for the day and he started kissing me and I hooked up with him even though I felt terrible. Then today she came back and they are hanging out without me again.
Why would he do that? Why would he hook up with her one time, then hook up with me for a few weeks, and then go back to her, and then hook up with me one last time? And is it wront to feel upset and hurt, especially at her? I feel so bad and worse we all live together so we are all together all the time. I can't even look at her right now because she is supposed to be my best friend.
Please tell me what's going on. This is breaking my heart.
VictorM's advice:
Because for a guy, hooking up has nothing to do with the heart. You and your friend are females, breathing, and not his mother -- that's good enough to have fun with. And that's all he's doing.
He calls and text me all the time
By: ashley
Age: 21
Location: geogia
Question: Ive been talking to this guy for about a week now. He calls and text me all the time. we've slept together twice and have mutually agreed to be friends until we really get to know one another. He speaks as if he wants a relationship with me. He text me today and ask for a picture. i sent him one and he said thanks. he told me that he'd call me later but i've yet to hear from him. am i just wasting my time with this guy?
VictorM's advice:
Friends don't fuck each other. If you're going to be friends, stop the sex. It will give you the best indication of his intentions.
Age: 21
Location: geogia
Question: Ive been talking to this guy for about a week now. He calls and text me all the time. we've slept together twice and have mutually agreed to be friends until we really get to know one another. He speaks as if he wants a relationship with me. He text me today and ask for a picture. i sent him one and he said thanks. he told me that he'd call me later but i've yet to hear from him. am i just wasting my time with this guy?
VictorM's advice:
Friends don't fuck each other. If you're going to be friends, stop the sex. It will give you the best indication of his intentions.
Crushing on a guy I had two one night stands with
By: Amy
Age: 35
Location: US
Question: Crushing on a guy I had two one night stands with. The sex was okay but a little awkward since we didn't know each other well (first date) and he seemed insecure (although he introduced me to all his friends). I think I have ruined it, he hasn't called me in a few weeks :(. I see him every week and he is friendly but professional. I really want to try and ask him out again. Did I ruin it? Should I text him or just leave it alone?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know that you ruined it as far as getting serious with him, but you surely didn't help things. However, I don't think you should give up. You should make an effort to go out again, and if he's willing, try to keep your panties on.
Sometimes, after having sex with a girl, a guy backs away because guys think that girls associate sex with being a couple. And since he's not ready for a relationship, he's choosing to stay away so as not to mislead you. If you ask him out and send the message you're not expecting him to marry you, all you're after is enjoying some fun times, he may relax and just enjoy having fun with you. And if he does... anything is still possible after that.
But stop being an easy lay; guys tend to lose interest over time in such types of girls.
Age: 35
Location: US
Question: Crushing on a guy I had two one night stands with. The sex was okay but a little awkward since we didn't know each other well (first date) and he seemed insecure (although he introduced me to all his friends). I think I have ruined it, he hasn't called me in a few weeks :(. I see him every week and he is friendly but professional. I really want to try and ask him out again. Did I ruin it? Should I text him or just leave it alone?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know that you ruined it as far as getting serious with him, but you surely didn't help things. However, I don't think you should give up. You should make an effort to go out again, and if he's willing, try to keep your panties on.
Sometimes, after having sex with a girl, a guy backs away because guys think that girls associate sex with being a couple. And since he's not ready for a relationship, he's choosing to stay away so as not to mislead you. If you ask him out and send the message you're not expecting him to marry you, all you're after is enjoying some fun times, he may relax and just enjoy having fun with you. And if he does... anything is still possible after that.
But stop being an easy lay; guys tend to lose interest over time in such types of girls.
I don't have a question
By: Andrea
Age: 22
Location: Canada
Question: Hi Victor!
I don't have a question. I just wanted to thank you for your past advice and wanted to let you know that I've listened to you, and that for the past 3 months Ive been in a relationship with a wonderful guy and that wouldn't have been possible without your advice.
So again, thank you! :)
VictorM's comment:
Awesome!
Thank you so much for the feedback. Comments like yours makes my day. :)
Age: 22
Location: Canada
Question: Hi Victor!
I don't have a question. I just wanted to thank you for your past advice and wanted to let you know that I've listened to you, and that for the past 3 months Ive been in a relationship with a wonderful guy and that wouldn't have been possible without your advice.
So again, thank you! :)
VictorM's comment:
Awesome!
Thank you so much for the feedback. Comments like yours makes my day. :)
He's amazing, loving, wonderful and very attentive
By: Sarah
Age: 36
Location: Dallas
Question: Hi Victor,
I was the "why doesn't my ex stay off my blog woman :)" Thanks for that advice.
So, I've been exclusively dating a guy for around 2.5 months. He's amazing, loving, wonderful and very attentive. I know we are still very, very early in the 'relationship' but we both feel we've hit this one out of the ballpark. (his words)
At first I assumed that we were both seeing other people, so I still did until about a month in. Then I stopped but didn't tell him. He brought it up a few weeks ago: that he hadn't seen anyone else since we started dating. I wasn't sure what to say so I didn't say anything. I've never had a man tell me that.
A couple of weeks later, he told he was going to be very busy with his business and he didn't want me to think he was dating anyone else. I shared with him that I wanted to just date him as well. I had noticed him on match.com (yes, I purposely looked to see if he was on there). I knew he'd been a member and he had logged in very recently, so I asked him if he was going to discontinue that and he said yes. He said he had only dated a couple of girls on there and he much preferred meeting people in person--which is easy for him since he's very social. It was a very good conversation--no stress, all initiated by him.
In spite of him telling me he'd be too busy to see more than once or twice a week he's basically at my house every weekend; even this last weekend I had planned a girls night out on Saturday night and he stayed over from Friday to Monday. We still date (this weekend we are attending a ball with my sisters, but some nights we just do pizza and a movie).
Here are my questions:
1. I haven't looked again but I know I will at some point: if he's logged into his match.com account recently I know I'm going to be very upset. I know he's only seeing me, I've been introduced to his family and friends etc...but the only reason I can think of for online browsing is well, you know. I think a better tack might be just to say, "So, did you close your match.com account?" in an offhand way and just see what he says.
2. We are on Facebook and both of our statuses were set to single. After spending the entire weekend with him, sharing in the dreams for his business, him saying to me that "he's off the market" when I made a joke about how attractive he was; at one point we even talked about how well "our kids" get along (they are dogs) but he said it. So on Monday, I put my "status" to "In a relationship". He did the thumbs up for that, but his status is still Single. My sister who has met him and gives (usually) impeccable dating advice said I shouldn't sweat it; he's obviously into me and I should give it ten days or so. I don't want to sound like a harpie, but I was a little hurt he'd say "He likes this!" when I'm in a relationship but he's still listed as single. My sister thinks guys don't care about stuff like that.
3. Which brings me to this one: He is incredibly social and incredibly well known in a very large social circle. He's a great looking 50 year old guy, very civic oriented. So he has 1,000 or so Facebook friends that he personally does know...about once a day he adds some knockout of a woman to his "Friends" list. Typically these are people who add him or he adds them, I'm not sure that matters...but you can only take so much of seeing this and your mind starts to wonder.
After seeing the last woman (most are single women, but some are married, every once in awhile, one is not attractive) I posted some of our pictures of us on New Year's Eve. He Immediately made really positive comments on them and talked about what a great time he had...
So, without the "internet" in this 'relationship', it would be perfect. Having the kind of relationship I am having with him is wonderful, but I get sick of all the girls on FB (everyone once in awhile one flirts with him but he gently derails it.)
So:
A. Am I his girlfriend? Or is "Dating Exclusively" not quite there?
B. If so, why hasn't his FB status changed...should it matter?
C. Is there a way I can gently bring up my concerns without sounding like a harpie (probably not). I know that him having attractive FB friends is my issue, not his and he's given me no reason to doubt him but I guess I'm not 100% sure where we stand, so its' hard to feel secure. I guess I could just say that and see what he says.
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Listen to your sister, I think she has it right.
When two people start dating, do they have to reach the point of saying "I love you" at the same time? Of course not. In your case, he was ready to stop dating others before you were. No biggie. You were ready to update you facebook status before he was. No biggie. When he said he liked you updating your status, it's a sign he is pleased you feel that you. He doesn't have to feel the same way yet. And that's no biggie.
Girls see a relationship as security, guys see is as loss of freedom. Which is why men take a lot longer to develop feelings than women do. So what's happening with the status update is totally normal. And I suggest you don't bring it up yet. You want him to update his status when he's ready to, not because he feels pressured by you.
As for checking match.com and befriending pretty women... guys, pure and simple, need the attention of pretty women to feel confident and secure. How he feels about you, and how gorgeous you may be, has nothing to do with it. Guys have the need to have their egos soothed that way. Come on, don't tell me it doesn't please you when some guy tastefully pays you a compliment. Take that feeling times a million and you have how guys feel. If you're going to be happy with any male, you need to accept that aspect of his personality. As long as he goes no further than getting other women's attention, you should be fine.
Now to the specific questions:
A. Being his girlfriend and "dating exclusively" by choice, are not the same things.
B. He hasn't reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage yet, and that's totally normal for guys; we're not in a hurry to give up our freedom as quickly as you girls are ready to lock things down.
C. Expressing your feelings, not as a reprimand or ultimatum, is always a good thing. For example, "I feel insecure about all these attractive female friend on facebook." Be willing to admit that you're not saying there's anything wrong with it, but "...still, that's how I feel." And leave it at that. Most guys who care will eventually make adjustments to ease your mind. It may take some time, so don't expect him to make changes overnight. If and when he does respond to your concerns with positive action, reward him with recognition, his favorite meal, or endless hours of dirty and disgusting sex... ;) er... or whatever other means you deem appropriate.
PS. Is your ex staying away or he still stalking your blog?
Age: 36
Location: Dallas
Question: Hi Victor,
I was the "why doesn't my ex stay off my blog woman :)" Thanks for that advice.
So, I've been exclusively dating a guy for around 2.5 months. He's amazing, loving, wonderful and very attentive. I know we are still very, very early in the 'relationship' but we both feel we've hit this one out of the ballpark. (his words)
At first I assumed that we were both seeing other people, so I still did until about a month in. Then I stopped but didn't tell him. He brought it up a few weeks ago: that he hadn't seen anyone else since we started dating. I wasn't sure what to say so I didn't say anything. I've never had a man tell me that.
A couple of weeks later, he told he was going to be very busy with his business and he didn't want me to think he was dating anyone else. I shared with him that I wanted to just date him as well. I had noticed him on match.com (yes, I purposely looked to see if he was on there). I knew he'd been a member and he had logged in very recently, so I asked him if he was going to discontinue that and he said yes. He said he had only dated a couple of girls on there and he much preferred meeting people in person--which is easy for him since he's very social. It was a very good conversation--no stress, all initiated by him.
In spite of him telling me he'd be too busy to see more than once or twice a week he's basically at my house every weekend; even this last weekend I had planned a girls night out on Saturday night and he stayed over from Friday to Monday. We still date (this weekend we are attending a ball with my sisters, but some nights we just do pizza and a movie).
Here are my questions:
1. I haven't looked again but I know I will at some point: if he's logged into his match.com account recently I know I'm going to be very upset. I know he's only seeing me, I've been introduced to his family and friends etc...but the only reason I can think of for online browsing is well, you know. I think a better tack might be just to say, "So, did you close your match.com account?" in an offhand way and just see what he says.
2. We are on Facebook and both of our statuses were set to single. After spending the entire weekend with him, sharing in the dreams for his business, him saying to me that "he's off the market" when I made a joke about how attractive he was; at one point we even talked about how well "our kids" get along (they are dogs) but he said it. So on Monday, I put my "status" to "In a relationship". He did the thumbs up for that, but his status is still Single. My sister who has met him and gives (usually) impeccable dating advice said I shouldn't sweat it; he's obviously into me and I should give it ten days or so. I don't want to sound like a harpie, but I was a little hurt he'd say "He likes this!" when I'm in a relationship but he's still listed as single. My sister thinks guys don't care about stuff like that.
3. Which brings me to this one: He is incredibly social and incredibly well known in a very large social circle. He's a great looking 50 year old guy, very civic oriented. So he has 1,000 or so Facebook friends that he personally does know...about once a day he adds some knockout of a woman to his "Friends" list. Typically these are people who add him or he adds them, I'm not sure that matters...but you can only take so much of seeing this and your mind starts to wonder.
After seeing the last woman (most are single women, but some are married, every once in awhile, one is not attractive) I posted some of our pictures of us on New Year's Eve. He Immediately made really positive comments on them and talked about what a great time he had...
So, without the "internet" in this 'relationship', it would be perfect. Having the kind of relationship I am having with him is wonderful, but I get sick of all the girls on FB (everyone once in awhile one flirts with him but he gently derails it.)
So:
A. Am I his girlfriend? Or is "Dating Exclusively" not quite there?
B. If so, why hasn't his FB status changed...should it matter?
C. Is there a way I can gently bring up my concerns without sounding like a harpie (probably not). I know that him having attractive FB friends is my issue, not his and he's given me no reason to doubt him but I guess I'm not 100% sure where we stand, so its' hard to feel secure. I guess I could just say that and see what he says.
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Listen to your sister, I think she has it right.
When two people start dating, do they have to reach the point of saying "I love you" at the same time? Of course not. In your case, he was ready to stop dating others before you were. No biggie. You were ready to update you facebook status before he was. No biggie. When he said he liked you updating your status, it's a sign he is pleased you feel that you. He doesn't have to feel the same way yet. And that's no biggie.
Girls see a relationship as security, guys see is as loss of freedom. Which is why men take a lot longer to develop feelings than women do. So what's happening with the status update is totally normal. And I suggest you don't bring it up yet. You want him to update his status when he's ready to, not because he feels pressured by you.
As for checking match.com and befriending pretty women... guys, pure and simple, need the attention of pretty women to feel confident and secure. How he feels about you, and how gorgeous you may be, has nothing to do with it. Guys have the need to have their egos soothed that way. Come on, don't tell me it doesn't please you when some guy tastefully pays you a compliment. Take that feeling times a million and you have how guys feel. If you're going to be happy with any male, you need to accept that aspect of his personality. As long as he goes no further than getting other women's attention, you should be fine.
Now to the specific questions:
A. Being his girlfriend and "dating exclusively" by choice, are not the same things.
B. He hasn't reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage yet, and that's totally normal for guys; we're not in a hurry to give up our freedom as quickly as you girls are ready to lock things down.
C. Expressing your feelings, not as a reprimand or ultimatum, is always a good thing. For example, "I feel insecure about all these attractive female friend on facebook." Be willing to admit that you're not saying there's anything wrong with it, but "...still, that's how I feel." And leave it at that. Most guys who care will eventually make adjustments to ease your mind. It may take some time, so don't expect him to make changes overnight. If and when he does respond to your concerns with positive action, reward him with recognition, his favorite meal, or endless hours of dirty and disgusting sex... ;) er... or whatever other means you deem appropriate.
PS. Is your ex staying away or he still stalking your blog?
he "kinda likes" me
By: Jenna
Age: 15
Location: Colorado
Question: I have a friend that I go to school with and he told me that he "kinda likes" me. I'm starting to like him too but should I tell him?
VictorM's advice:
No! Don't tell him you like him. He needs to pursue you harder and drop the "kinda" -- he needs to like you, not kinda like you. And he needs to chase you longer before you tell him you like him. If you tell him too early, he'll take you for granted.
For now, encourage him with smiles and friendly greetings but not much more.
Age: 15
Location: Colorado
Question: I have a friend that I go to school with and he told me that he "kinda likes" me. I'm starting to like him too but should I tell him?
VictorM's advice:
No! Don't tell him you like him. He needs to pursue you harder and drop the "kinda" -- he needs to like you, not kinda like you. And he needs to chase you longer before you tell him you like him. If you tell him too early, he'll take you for granted.
For now, encourage him with smiles and friendly greetings but not much more.
We have been seeing each other for close to 6 months
By: Laza
Age: 40
Location: CA
Question: We have been seeing each other for close to 6 months. He texts me 3-4 times a day on a daily basis. Because of his career plans, he will most likely be moving away sometime around the end of the year. I have a daughter and, although she knows I am dating, I have no intention of bringing a man into her life at this time. He and I each work 60+ hours per week. During the first month of dating we managed to see each other 3-4 times a week, and had sex for the first time during the 3rd week after about 10-11 dates. That has gradually settled down to seeing each other at least once a week, though sometimes it’s more depending on the circumstances. 75% of our get-togethers include sex, but not all of them.
We don’t talk about our respective romantic pasts, make any demands, or put any pressure on one another. We don’t have an agreement that we are exclusive, but he has made it clear to me that he is not seeing anyone else. Although he invites me to join him in events that include his friends, he hasn’t accepted an invitation that includes my friends. I have never had so much fun, such amazing sex, or enjoyed a man’s company as much as I do with him; and I don’t doubt that he finds me attractive, enjoys my company, and feels that we have strong sexual chemistry. We seem to be simply enjoying what we have while we have it. I'm aware that this most likely places each of us in "filler" status.
Despite this, from reading your blog I suspect that because of how soon we slept together, even if circumstances had been different (no future move on his part and a willingness to introduce him to my daughter on my part), I would have already sabotaged myself, plus any chance of developing something long-term with him, and effectively moved myself into “filler” status anyway. That stings. So, my question is this: if I refrain from doing girlfriend things (initially spending a large amount of time together, sex, etc.) until after I am officially a girlfriend, does that mean abstaining from sex until after agreeing on exclusivity? Frankly, I wouldn’t agree to be someone’s girlfriend if I weren’t sure of sexual chemistry and compatibility, and I can’t imagine a man surrendering his freedom without that certainty either, so what’s the balance? How does this work?
VictorM's advice:
Most of the advice you read concerning sex too early tends to be directed at younger girls. Teenagers and 20-somethings are more vulnerable emotionally, and guys around that age tend to be less patient. Reading your description of the circumstances, I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. It's not to say that it would hurt to have waited, but I wouldn't dwell on it.
You're having a good time with him. His work transfer may not happen. Why not just stay the course and see where it leads?
Oh, and kudos to you for insulating your daughter at this point. Very wise and considerate move.
Age: 40
Location: CA
Question: We have been seeing each other for close to 6 months. He texts me 3-4 times a day on a daily basis. Because of his career plans, he will most likely be moving away sometime around the end of the year. I have a daughter and, although she knows I am dating, I have no intention of bringing a man into her life at this time. He and I each work 60+ hours per week. During the first month of dating we managed to see each other 3-4 times a week, and had sex for the first time during the 3rd week after about 10-11 dates. That has gradually settled down to seeing each other at least once a week, though sometimes it’s more depending on the circumstances. 75% of our get-togethers include sex, but not all of them.
We don’t talk about our respective romantic pasts, make any demands, or put any pressure on one another. We don’t have an agreement that we are exclusive, but he has made it clear to me that he is not seeing anyone else. Although he invites me to join him in events that include his friends, he hasn’t accepted an invitation that includes my friends. I have never had so much fun, such amazing sex, or enjoyed a man’s company as much as I do with him; and I don’t doubt that he finds me attractive, enjoys my company, and feels that we have strong sexual chemistry. We seem to be simply enjoying what we have while we have it. I'm aware that this most likely places each of us in "filler" status.
Despite this, from reading your blog I suspect that because of how soon we slept together, even if circumstances had been different (no future move on his part and a willingness to introduce him to my daughter on my part), I would have already sabotaged myself, plus any chance of developing something long-term with him, and effectively moved myself into “filler” status anyway. That stings. So, my question is this: if I refrain from doing girlfriend things (initially spending a large amount of time together, sex, etc.) until after I am officially a girlfriend, does that mean abstaining from sex until after agreeing on exclusivity? Frankly, I wouldn’t agree to be someone’s girlfriend if I weren’t sure of sexual chemistry and compatibility, and I can’t imagine a man surrendering his freedom without that certainty either, so what’s the balance? How does this work?
VictorM's advice:
Most of the advice you read concerning sex too early tends to be directed at younger girls. Teenagers and 20-somethings are more vulnerable emotionally, and guys around that age tend to be less patient. Reading your description of the circumstances, I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. It's not to say that it would hurt to have waited, but I wouldn't dwell on it.
You're having a good time with him. His work transfer may not happen. Why not just stay the course and see where it leads?
Oh, and kudos to you for insulating your daughter at this point. Very wise and considerate move.