Submitted on Thursday, January 28, 2010
By: britt
Age: 21
Location: texas
Question: hey hey :) so i just have a question, or what your feelings about this situation might be. Theres this guy i work with, and we've constantly flirted for the past 3 years and it was never anything but a crush for him on my part.. but in the past year, we've been hardcore flirting at work, like he'll tease me and constantly look at me and we'll catch eye contact, and we'll joke, and he'll touch my arm or places more, and stare into my eyes and lips when we talk, and then he makes more comments on how i look (in a good way) :P and he bluntly wants me, like we were all at a work thing, and everyone was drinking and he was constantly hitting on -just- me, in front of his friends and everything.. YET he hasn't asked me out for a date.. or a drink or anything. he imed and texted me randomly a few times,and then recently we talked through texting very sexually/flirty til like 3am.. but still nothing after that. The next day at work we couldn't stop smiling at each other, cause i was amazed that we even talked to each other like that.. :P haha but i'm still flirting as much as i can w/ him at work and everything but idk.. wouldn't you think if he legit wanted me, he would ask me out? or do girls do that now too? It's just he's such an outgoing person, and probably has plenty of girls he could randomly screw, but i'm not like that- so idk if he's like not pursuing anything now because of that? but he's not acting like a jerk, he's still flirting with me hardcore.. ah idk what to think. haha help? thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

You're a fun pastime, a playful toy, a distraction from the mundane, an ego booster. That's all you are. And as long as you keep going along with all the flirting and sex talk, that's all you'll ever be.

You're more fun as a "possibility" than you are as a "sure thing"; more fun as a "I could have her anytime I want her" than as a "been there, done that"; more fun as a job distraction than as an obligation.

Flirting is a thing guys do to boost their ego and please themselves; any notion that a guy flirting is a sign of interest is nothing but female foolery.

Submitted on Thursday, January 28, 2010
By: cec
Age: 20
Location: ohio
Question: so I fell in love with a guy that I can say is the only guy I ever truly loved and he loved me back. we were on the phone last night and one minute he was saying how I was going to be his wife and five minutes later he was like if I needed space to work on myself to become a better man for you would you be mad? I replied no if that's what you need to do I would respect that, and then he said he hasn't got over past relationships and emotions and he needed to be single right now. then he turned around and said he honestly does not know if he is the right man for me and can we go our separate ways? and he does not want me to wait for him but he was not trying to play me or wants me to feel like I got played. and that is exactly how I feel. he even deleted me as a friend on his facebook page saying he needed to mature cause he doesn't wanna hurt me. what should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Chances are that you didn't get played. He just came to the realization that he wasn't into you. That's just how things work. Sometimes interest is sustained for a life time, sometimes it fades much earlier.

He's moving on. All that you can do is try to do the same.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: amiee
Age: 19
Location: illinois
Question: this guy and i have been talking and hanging out for over a month now. he told me he really liked me, like everything about me. and i really like him, but last night he told me that he is talking to another girl and likes her also. which means he likes both of us. he is like the best guy i've ever talked to or hung out with. but i can't handle him talking to another girl. he and i hung out and he kissed me and made me feel like i was the only one for him and was at my house until 5 the next morning. but he hangs out with this other girl more because they live in the same town. but she is way younger than him and still in high school! who wants that drama? how do i make him choose me over her?

VictorM's advice:

1. Do not behave like a girlfriend (no sex, no making out, etc.) with him as long as the other girl is in the picture.

2. Just have the best of times when you are with him, as friends.

Attraction is never about the other person, it's how the other person makes you feel about yourself when you're with them. If he feels good about himself around you, your odds improve.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: joy
Age: 26
Location: dc
Question: I have known this guy who is 34, for two years and we talked off and on. Recently we have been spending a lot of time together watching movies, going different places. The other day we were talking and he said that he was not looking for a relationship but he always asks me when I was going to have children. I have told him that I wasn't having sex until I am in a serious relationship. What does this mean or what does he want from me?

VictorM's advice:

I'm not sure that there is any hidden meaning. Sounds like he's just curious about your plans, which he has already made clear he doesn't want to be part of.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: Grace
Age: 23
Location: France
Question: How to be OK with my boyfriend seeing his ex's?!
It was the first and only thing that bothered me in our relationship (almost 3 years now). He doesn't see them often, but there are still 3 that he keeps in touch with. I addressed him about it in the beginning, and maybe not with much tact.... but it makes me jealous, and he continues to do it knowing that it upsets me. He says not to be jealous because he loves just me etc, and they are just old friends he likes to see from time to time. I respect the idea of it, but just can't deal with it.Each time I confront him about it he becomes more and more offended, and so each time I bring it up, I say after that I won't talk about it again. But it continues to bothers me to the point of saying something. I don't want to push him to the point of actually cheating or something. Am I being jealous for no reason?

VictorM's advice:

You have a right to be upset. Your boyfriend is disregarding your feelings for the sake of his own selfishness. That's a sign that does not bode well for the future of the relationship. Today it's the exes, who knows what it could be tomorrow.

So you really have a lot more to worry about than jealousy; your happiness with someone like this is on the balance.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010
By: Maria
Age: 18
Location: Los Angeles
Question: well me and this guy have this long distance relationship.We communicate through email a lot for 3 months. But all of a sudden he stopped writing to me.He started writing to me less and less i asked him "why?" he said that it was because he would stay at school late and that he had to work with his uncle. he would write to me telling me that he couldn't write that day because he couldn't and that he "loved me". I understood him, because I'm a student too and i know he does not live in his own home.the beginning of December I called him and he basically blew me off telling me that he had to take a shower. he told me he tried to go on the internet but that i wasn't online.And then he said he would call me back the next day but he never did.Our plan since we were together was to go see each other for christmas where he is from. I wasn't able to go and i heard that he went. I didn't here from him at all, where he is from there is not a lot of communication available, but at least i thought he would call. Vacation is over and he and i returned to school. I emailed him telling him that his silence was telling me that he did not want anything to do with me and that it was okay but that i deserved for him to tell me what happened. it's been 1 month already since that email and he hasn't written back. I don't know what to do? should i call him? Should i let it be? Why would he leave me like this without even a good bye? Guys can't be that mean?

VictorM's advice:

This has nothing to do with him being mean; it has to do with him being a coward. He simply doesn't have the guts to tell you it's over.

Silence and indifference are forms of communication. They're not the best forms, but they communicate nevertheless. And this is what they say: He's not into you. He's over you. He has been over you since the days his emails decreased.

You need to accept that and move on. You and him have nothing else to talk about.

Happy New Year to you and thank you so much for you comments. They truly made my day. I appreciate the feedback and am happy to hear things are working out.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: Julia
Age: 20
Question: Hey,
So this summer I spent time abroad in London and met this really great guy, we went out on a few dates, texted constantly, flirted etc. Summer ended and we've been emailing back and forth since August every so often, still flirting, I call him handsome and he calls me sexy. When i first left he said: "If you weren't going back something would have developed but If you're back next summer and I'm about, I would really like to see you again."
I'm making a trek back to London come March, should I go for it with this guy? I mean how often to long-distance relationships work, and are guys even into that? or am I just thinking in this movie world or something. I don't know, any general advice would be good.

VictorM's advice:

Long distance relationships have a very low level of success, much more so around your age. The digital world simply is no substitute for physical touch. And guys are much less into them than girls. You girls can get a lot of mileage from castles in the air. Not guys.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: screaming-on-the-inside kaylie
Age: 15
Location: usa
Question: so people around know me as the girl in control. now that's all fine and dandy except that when it comes to boys, i'm stuck out of my element (sorry for the cliche), and i may have intimidated the one guy i really like. he's always around me and he finds reasons to talk to me and i know that he likes me, but i'm scared that he's too afraid to ask me out (i've been told i can be a corporate-boss-control-freak, but whatever) and on the other hand, i'm scared of what his reaction will be if i ask him out (i don't want his ego to get carried away). how do i show him that i like him without being too blatant and awkward?

VictorM's advice:

Don't ask him out! That will most likely only get to his head.

If he likes you, he will still take more time to ask you out then you'd like. Guys usually like the conquest phase too much and have fun with it. I suggest you be more encouraging by doing two things: 1) smile a lot at him; 2) greet him using his name ("Hi, John") When guys hear their name coming from a girl's mouth, it automatically increases their connection to her.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: Erica
Age: 15
Question: Okay. So my boyfriend says he loves me. and that we have this strong connection. And i believe that too. everything is perfect relationship wise. but i just don't trust his ex around him. she basically still loves him, but says they're just friends. should i tell him to stop talking to her? i really don't trust it at all. but they're close friends. I feel too controlling when i ask him not to. and i feel horrible when he does because i feel like i am controlling him. should i let him talk to any of his ex girlfriends at all? i quit talking to mine cuz i felt weird...

and there's another situation. he texts this girl constantly. he talks to her more than me on most days. this girl is like a stalker. i don't like her at all. but hes friends with her. or whatever. and i told him it bothers me when he talks about her to me. it gets annoying. but i'm not the assertive type to just tell people what i want. i sorta hint around. and he guesses most of the time. but i just don't wanna blurt out that i want him to stop talking to her. i just wish he wouldn't talk about her in front of me. but he says i have nothing to worry about, and always asks why i get so annoyed. what should i do to be able to tell him exactly what i want without sounding like a total bi*ch?

VictorM's advice:

Exes are evil. I always say this because of situations like yours. You were wise to let go of your exes. Your boyfriend is asking for trouble when he doesn't.

Now, that doesn't mean he's doing anything bad with her, but he's clearly not respecting your feelings, and that's a no-no.

You need to tell him that it bothers you. Period. You don't have to explain why. Keep repeating: I am bothered by it. If he doesn't respect your wishes and keeps talking about her to you, next time he does it, without showing any anger, just get up and walk away. Give him no lectures, no justifications... simply walk away. If he rejoins you, talk about something else as if nothing happened. If he asks why you left, just say "I'm not interested in that topic."

Show no anger but be consistent in your action to discourage his ex from being a topic of conversation between you two.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: eliz
Age: 23
Location: ny
Question: so i asked a guy if he want to come to the basketball game.. and he said ya let me check my schedule of events.. what do you think that means?

VictorM's advice:

Assuming he likes basketball, it means he's going to think about it.

We can safely assume that his groins are not on fire for you, but that doesn't mean he's not interested in a friendly night out.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: Beccky
Age: 13
Location: Phoenix
Question: Hello Victor,
So I can't tell if this one guy is interested in me or not. I like this guy and he is in my algebra, science, gym/health, and social studies. The only class that we sit near each other is science and when we do, we always talk and laugh. He always knows how to make me laugh and I really like him. But if it snt in science we barely talk but that could be because we dont see eachother the remainder of the day. Sometimes I can see him looking at me but I dont know if that means something. He is a funny guy bt he always makes me smile and mostly me when in science. And sometimes he will like say something that he knows will get me upset but yet he also knows it will make me smile.

What do I do? I don't know if he is at least a little attracted to me or not. What should I do if he is? Just play it cool?

Thank you so much, Victor

VictorM's advice:

A boy would not pay that much attention to you if he didn't find you attractive. That's for sure. But boys around your age are commonly not ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet. Some are, but many are not. So you're better off continuing to be nice, laugh, and play it cool.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010
By: rosemary
Age: 31
Location: nigeria
Question: i have a boyfriend who lives in another part of the town, he came to visit me once but each time i told him i was coming to visit him he refuses and yet he has not come to visit again. he says his studies and other things are keeping him back. few months ago, he proposed marriage to me through phone and said he was coming soon for the engagement proper. just last two weeks, i discovered he has another girlfriend who is living with him. what i don't understand is why he would want to marry me when there is another girl. is it that he does not love her or that he is playing me

VictorM's advice:

I don't think he ever meant to marry you. He probably was saying what you wanted to hear just to get from you whatever it is he was after.

Submitted on Monday, January 25, 2010
By: Shelly
Age: 15
Location: Wisconsin
Question: Is he cheating in a way?

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about a year were sophomores but he should be a junior. He plays basketball and is always going to practice for hours and hours and we can barely hang out anymore. When we can talk I found out he thought this girl was hot. He said she’s a really good friend and they’ve known each other for a long time, but she’s in 8th grade. I also was just looking through his phone one day while we were watching a game just changing the background and messing around and I found that he was texting her a lot while he was texting me and he admitted that he was texting her back while ignoring my texts for a little. The texts were really flirty saying things like “you’re definitely in my top 5 :)”. They just kept using smiley faces. But he said he wasn’t flirting. So I’m wondering first, are smiley faces in texts considered flirting especially when he thinks the girl is hot? And is this kind of cheating or should I just get over it? Thanks for your advice.

VictorM's advice:

Whether someone is cheating is up to you. Cheating need not involve sex. Anything that is a betrayal of your trust could be cheating. The question is whether you think it's severe enough to make you lose trust or whether you think it's just irresponsibility or lack of thinking.

Boys, especially around your age, will want to have their egos boosted. And nothing does that like the attention of pretty girls, even if they have a girlfriend. Is this all he was doing? I don't know. Even if it was all he was doing, is it enough to break your trust? Only you can say.

Was he flirting? It's hard to imagine he was doing anything but that, however, the question is: was he doing it to score points with her or was he doing it just to boost his own ego?

Sorry I can't give you a definite answer. You ultimately have to do what your gut tells you. Trust what you feel -- you're probably right.

Submitted on Monday, January 25, 2010
By: Mel
Age: 39
Location: Middlesbrough

VictorM's advice:

Oh boy... let's take this step by step:

"he literally fell out of love with me overnight" -- no he didn't. His reaction, if indeed it is a falling out, has been building up, masked only by his desire to make things work, and your inability to sense anything but your own view. I'm sure if you dig deeper, you'd see his unhappiness building up. You say you had no warning but that's because you're buried deep into your own fantasy world of "love of your life" and "soul mates."

"getting upset over something daft" -- How can "the love of your life" be the recipient of your anger over "something daft"? How little are you willing to try that it comes to this? How selfish and self-consumed can you be to not even understand it as you type it?

"We had the most wonderful loving relationship, and we both loved each other deeply and wanted to be together forever" -- "We"? You're speaking for him as if it was the absolute truth. I bet he will differ with that opinion.

"my fiance was too soft with me though and it is because of this that things have built up within him" -- this takes the cake. Things built up because he was too soft? How dare you blame him for this? You can't even take responsibility for your own problems; you find the need to lay it at his feet.

Frankly, I skimmed through the rest of your submission because what followed was quite predictable.

He doesn't want to be your friend; he just wants to be able to move on without coming across as the asshole. This is why guys try so hard to say their want to remain friends or say they are guttered. Anything to make things easier.

But it's a waste of time to stay friends. Neither one of you can move on as long as you're still seeing each other, no matter how infrequently. And his feelings for you aren't going to return if you see him more often; you'll just remind him of why he left.

You live in a fantasy world. I truly don't know what to say to bring you back to the reality of imperfect lovers, extending each other for the other, and being in tune with your partner's feelings and desires. And I don't think he knew how to say all of this to you, so he left.

At the start of my answer I raised the possibility that he didn't fall out of love with you. It may still be true. But I doubt he can be happy with someone who lives in a cocoon of romance novels, unrealistic romantic expectations, and selfish needs. Maybe he didn't fall out of love with you; maybe he just gave up expecting his love to be reciprocate in a real world manner.

Submitted on Monday, January 25, 2010
By: Chanme
Age: 22
Location: Virginia
Question: How do i express my feelings to my boyfriend about his female friends he's always talking about?

VictorM's advice:

You do it by not accusing him of doing anything wrong. Don't start statements with "you" ("You are insensitive," "You hurt my feelings," "You make me not trust you," etc. These types of comments just put him on the defensive and the conversation becomes confrontational.

A better approach is to just state how you feel. Examples: "I feel hurt..." "I feel ignored..." "I feel neglected..." How exactly does it make you feel? Say it to him, starting with "I" and leaving out "you."

If he comes back with "You're being silly" "You're being childish" "You're getting the wrong picture", etc. You always respond this way: "Maybe so, but still that's how I feel." If you keep saying it, eventually he'll care about your feelings and do something about it. And if he doesn't care about your feelings... well, what's the point of having such a boyfriend?

Submitted on Monday, January 25, 2010
By: Taylor
Age: 24
Location: Florida
Question: I am so confused... last Friday, I met an amazing guy that was head over heels for me. He kept telling me how much he was crazy about me, and even asked me on Saturday if I would be exclusive with him. He took me out to dinner and made me dinner every night from that Saturday through Wednesday.

Everything went fine on Wednesday, and kept telling me he was crazy about me...

Then on Thursday, he was vague in his text messages, and did not call me.

On Friday, I asked him to go out although he had told me on Friday he had plans... he said that he already had plans but I should call him "later" and we could meet up.

I texted him that night around 9PM and did not hear from him at all until after the bars closed at 2. Then I got 4 calls from him between 2-3:30 AM (which I didn't pick up because I was mad).

On Saturday, I didn't hear from him at ALL.

On Sunday, I didn't hear from him at ALL. Wednesday night, he had asked me to his friend's BBQ this night- which he never called me to go to.

I texted him Sunday saying "How are you doing? I haven't heard from you in a while".

He replied 2 hours later "Doing good... watching football".

What is going on?!?!?! He was obsessed with me the last time I saw him... now he has disappeared! Even his friends said how much he liked me and how he was treating me different than any other girl he had ever met.

I am so confused--- help clarify this guys.. thanks.

VictorM's advice:

The intensity of a guy's initial attraction is only matched by the suddenness of his cowardliness once he realizes you're a mere mortal, just like all other women.

That initial burst of attention you got is called lust. Pure and simple LUST. When that happens, the male brain releases chemicals that makes the attraction feel as intense as heroin and makes us feel like stone cold drunks slobbering over you. The problem is it doesn't last for more than a few days, weeks at most. There is ALWAYS a let down. Sometimes he learns enough about you to want to stick around, sometimes he doesn't. Your "amazing guy" falls in the latter category.

I understand that that kind of attention does wonders for women, but you have to learn that this type of attention is just a mirage (just like your perfection will turn out to be a mirage for him too). Next time some guy goes crazy over you, give him a soft stiff arm and keep him at an arm's length until he comes down to Earth. Then you can measure his interest in you.

Submitted on Sunday, January 24, 2010
By: Lisa
Age: 37
Location: Canada
Question: I'm in a Long Distance Relationship and Jealous of my Boyfriend's Female Friends

I'm 37 years old, I've been married once before for almost 10 years but am now divorced. In June of last year, I met someone on-line who lives in the US and we've been dating ever since. In July, I got pregnant unexpectedly and although the pregnancy is unexpected it is definitely wanted on both of our parts. He still lives in the States and I am in Canada for the time being. Given that we've only started seeing each other, we both have not wanted to rush into anything.

My question to you however is concerning the subject of female friends. Our relationship has been pretty good with the exception of this issue. When we first started dating, we had an issue with one of his female friends in that I was jealous over the relationship. This was someone he had also met on-line and had been intimate with. Apparently, she lived in another State and the last time they saw each other was January of that year. He said that he had long ended the romantic relationship with her but was still friends with her..he also said that she was still very much in love with him and although he never said so directly, I got the sense that the only reason it didn't work out between them was because he wanted children and she couldn't have them. He strongly maintained that they were just friends and he was not pursuing a relationship with her but continued to speak with her periodically over the phone.

When he came to visit me here in Canada in July, he wanted to buy her a souvenir gift which, coupled with the other items listed above, really upset me. I felt that if he wasn't interested in her at all, why would he want to get her a souvenir gift? When he was here he bought something for his mom, brothers, nieces and nephews and somehow she came into the mix.

In any event, I got over it, but as things progressed in our relationship I had asked her if he told her we were dating. I believe this was August. At that time he said he hadn't because it wasn't any of her business. Again, this upset me but I didn't press it. And, keep in mind, at this time, we both knew I was pregnant.

Things have been progressing okay over the last while but then I find out that he was having a female friend from work come over on Sunday with her son to watch the football game. Although I'm pretty confident there is nothing going on between them, I have these feelings of jealousy and I can't reconcile whether these feelings are 'normal' or not. On the one hand, I think he should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without my being jealous; but, on the other hand, I feel like I'm 7 months pregnant and the fact that we are far away from each other and don't get to see other that often are facts that could legitimately increase my level of insecurity here. I'm not sure if it's my hormones playing tricks on me during the pregnancy or if I'm really insane! Like I said, I feel like he should be able to have friends of the opposite sex but at the same time, (my ex-husband and I had friends of the opposite sex but we were respectful of one another in that we tended to associate with those friends together as a couple) feel that the timing is a bit insensitive on his part to have her over to his place with her son, make her dinner and watch the game. I also get the distinct impression that she is interested in more than just friendship. I know they just work together but she tends to contact him daily even when it is his day off and coincidentally, when she came over for the football game, she conveniently left her son at one of his friend's.

I expressed my concerns over him having a female friend over, given that I am so far away and he tried to reassure me that there was absolutely nothing going on. I do in fact believe him, however, I think what is more concerning is the fact that my feelings about it are disregarded. I tried to explain that given that we don't see each other on a daily basis coupled with the fact that I'm pregnant, I would have thought he would have been more considerate about my feelings and who he spends his time with. I know that at the end of the day I can't 'change' him so to speak, nor do I want to. It's about me making a decision on whether it's something I can be comfortable with. He wants things to work out with us in the long-term but I don't want to jump into anything just for the sake of the baby and am concerned that his disregard for my feelings may extend into other areas of the relationship.

From a male perspective, what is your view? Am I overly sensitive/jealous or is there some sort of legitimacy to my concerns?

Thank you in advance for your help.

VictorM's advice:

I think your concerns are legitimate. Your boyfriend may be a very nice guy, but in this respect of female friends, he's being an idiot.

If your relationship is none of the online friend's business, then what do they talk about? Sports, weather, politics? I seriously doubt it. And if she's so insignificant as to being kept in the dark about you, why get her a gift?

And the female coworker coming over without her kid to watch a game... come on, that's also stretching it.

I always say that men do not have the need for female friends, unless they have an ulterior motive. In fact, I bet that both ladies are attractive, in his opinion. That's because guys don't maintain such "friendships" with females they are not attracted to. Why? The ulterior motive!

Am I trying to say that your boyfriend either has sex with them or wants to? Well... not necessarily. What could be going on here, assuming he's more or less around your age, is that such men, as middle age strikes, have a need to feel wanted/sought after by many females. In other words, females provide a boost of confidence to him just wanting him or paying attention to him, even if he has no interest in them.

Even if I'm right about it being just an ego boost, you're still facing the problem of a man who doesn't seem to be able to balance his ego needs with showing you the respect and security you need. And I think that's a problem.

All I can suggest is that when you talk to him about it, never accuse him of wrong-doing. Always talk in first person and tell him how you feel about it. Say things like "I feel insecure..." "I feel disrespected..." " I feel concerned..." "I worry about it..." Even if he comes back with "But you know I'm not interested in them" or "You know I'd never cheat on you"... do not debate him on that. Just say, "I understand, but..." and repeat how you feel.

Sooner or later, he'll want to ease your worries and hopefully stop being an idiot about it.

Submitted on Sunday, January 24, 2010
By: Aims
Age: 23
Location: New York
Question: I use to date this guys about 6 years ago and I ended up leaving him because I wanted to be single and explore new guys. He didn't talk to me for about 2 years and out of no where he started texting me. We never really got the chance to try things because we were in separate relationships. We are both now single and for the past month have been spending a lot of time together. We go out all the time and he never let's me pay, he sleeps over and we are intimate. He tells me he likes being with me and no girl knows him how I do. I apologized for what happened on the past and told him I regret it because he was the best I had. We talked about taking things slow and both admitted we are scared to get hurt. he tells me he wouldn't hurt me like that and even told his parents I'm back in his life and he invite me over to see them again. the other day he said to me that things with us are going good so why fix something that is not broken. Does that mean he doesn't want things to be official with us? he also said to me "love ya" the other day. Could that mean that he's hinting his feelings are getting stronger?

VictorM's advice:

Guys who have been dumped for other guys have a real hard time letting go of that. Maybe he has, maybe he has not. I suspect it's playing a role in the back of his mind, which in part explains the "taking it slow" part.

But being intimate after one month, and without being boyfriend/girlfriend, is not going slow. It's just very convenient for him. Why would he want to mess it by getting involved with a relationship, commitment, exclusivity, and responsibilities? Life is good as it is now.

"Love ya" from a guy is a bit suspect. Guys know that girls love hearing "I love you" so they say "love ya" instead. That's like saying "I love you" with fingers crossed. Don't make much of it.

Forget his words; focus on his actions. He likes being with you, you are intimate (sex! yeah! -- that makes a lot of things worth while to him and less likely to make him want to rush into a relationship), and he told his parents you're back in his life. I'd say it's some progress. But that's all I'd say for now.

Submitted on Sunday, January 24, 2010
By: Kay
Age: 21
Location: Michigan
Question: I was with a guy for a few months, I met his family and we became very close. The he started acting weird and I asked him what his deal was and he told me he didn't know what he wanted. Things ended. Two weeks later he wanted to talk to me and he told me that he has done a lot of thinking and that he wanted to be with me and that he was stupid for letting me go since I'm everything he wants in a girl. I gave him a second chance and he was proving me right until we went to the bar one night and he ignored me and pretended he didn't know me. He said some mean things and then I told him it was over. The next day I sent him a text telling him that I've never been so hurt with the things he did and said. He didn't respond. Do I just leave him alone now? Will he ever text me back?

VictorM's advice:

He might get back to you, if he gets horny/lonely, which is what I believe happened the last time.
You'd be a fool to fall for it again.

You're done with him. Move on.

Pure and simple: he takes you for granted.

He enjoys your company but you're low on his priority list. Will your new found courage to tell him off make any difference? It won't hurt, but I don't think it'll make much of a difference. Why? Because you're a low priority in his life.

Submitted on Sunday, January 24, 2010
By: Jenny
Age: 23
Location: NYC
Question: Hey! There is someone who I used to be into and who used to be into me but nothing ever materialized. I kind of hold a grudge against him because of how he handled things and so I have been kind of cold with him and have resolved to moving on from him. We never talk outside of when we might see one another (and even then, he's the one initiating the conversation). However, he seems to be doing these small immature, annoying and obnoxious things in attempts to try to gauge whether or not he still "has me", or what is going on in my life-at least, that is how I rationalize it. He repeatedly tries to invade my privacy and before I go off on him for being a jerk and kicking him out of my life completely, I would like your opinion. Do you think it's all about ego for him although it's been a year since anything went on between us and he's the one who is actually in another relationship or do you think that could be his way of non-verbally telling me he's sorry and trying to get into my good graces again? Do you think it could be a mixture of both? Keep in mind that I don't initiate any contact with him and barely respond to any of his overtures...I pretty much give him the cold shoulder so it's not about him playing off of the attention I give him because I honestly don't give him much of any. Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

It's all ego. He's not trying to mend any fences with you.

But any attention you give him, even negative attention, feeds his ego. Ignoring someone sends the best message that they mean nothing to you anymore.

Submitted on Sunday, January 24, 2010
By: Catherine
Age: 14
Location: UK
Question: there is this guy that i really like, me and him were chatting over facebook and he started to ask me who i liked so i said i would tell him if he told me. i told him that i liked him and it turns out that he liked me. but then he went on and said it is a crush and he is confused, so i said mine was just a crush and i was confused as well. i really like him though and want to go out with him, what shall i do? i am confused.

VictorM's advice:

Next time... never, never, never, never, NEVER, tell a guy that you like him before he he tells you.

As for this guy, since the cat is out of the bag, just ask him to a movie or to come over and play video games... something like that. But be prepared for him to say no -- there's a good chance that he will turn you down.

Submitted on Sunday, January 24, 2010
By: Lizzie
Age: 20
Location: Cali
Question: Dear v,
I've got a problem
I'm single and always have been (well minus 2 months when I was 17). And i really don't understand what I am doing wrong?! I'm Christian and believe in abstinence so yeah that cuts out a lot of guys but still..it's like I can't attract the right boy. Unlike most girls I want the good boy, not the rebel. But all that I get chasing me is the rebel or the stalker. I'm relatively good looking, but no supermodel. Well recenty I fell for my lil bros bff who is quite young. We were talking and things seemed to be going great till he talked to his mom and she banned us from dating..well we continued to talk when on Christmas he rips out my heart and gets back with his ex of two years (I found out on that day). Well, the next day I find out that she may be preggo with his child and that's why they are back together. Longer story short she's not but he stays with her and my rents find out about him being sexually active and don't like him as a possible suitor for me. Well we recently started texting again and he's like yeah I still have feelings for you. But he's still with his ex...but he also hasn't stopped texting me..he knows I'm not no easy girl and won't give it up to him. So I'm super confused. Should I stop talking to him, or continue on..? I kinda feel like the second woman but I don't want to give up so easily on him.
Thanks lots

VictorM's advice:

He knows you're not easy, which is what makes you attractive to him. Can you imagine what bragging rights he gets if he "bags" you? It would make it all worth while. And that's how most guys think, which is why you have the scummy ones interested. And I'm including this younger guy on this list.

Discontinuing the texting with this Casanova isn't giving up on him -- it's respecting yourself.

Submitted on Saturday, January 23, 2010
By: Katie
Age: 18
Location: MO
Question: I know this question has been asked a million times over but I feel like I have to ask it because no two cases are ever alike. I want to know if this guy at work likes me. We have made eye contact a lot while working but have never really talked. I am usually the one who looks away first and when I look back he is no longer looking. But other times ill look at him and he is already looking at me. Some days when I see him and we’ve been looking at each other for a few second he’ll wave (it’s more like a flick of his wrist with his hand but still a wave right?). This one time I got up the nerve to wave to him and he seemed really surprised and he waved back. Later that day he kept hanging around where I was working but I couldn’t really talk to him without getting into trouble with my boss. After some coaching from friends I finally said hi to him in the hallway and all he did was nod his head and wave. What is up with that? The other thing is that he gets this look on his face when I waved to him or when we look at each other for a while (few second) it kind of looks like panic. Like he is unsure what to do or totally disgusted that I am looking or waving at him. I so don’t know what is going on. I am trying my best to put myself out there because I really want to get to know him but I am so freaking shy I can’t. He seems to be shy as well. Can you help me and tell me what the face is all about or if he likes me? And if he likes me how can I let him know I am interest? Thanks so much.

VictorM's advice:

The guy finds you attractive. That's all it means.

Guys don't like girls the way girls like guys. Guys have some goals, usually all to satisfy their egos. So he got got you to wave at him. Ego boost. He got you to say hi to him. Ego boost. That's basically what this is all about. And the likelihood that he'd want to start something with someone who could get in trouble with her boss just for talking to him is very slim.

You can let him know that you're interested by smiling and greeting him using his name. "Hi, John" is much more powerful than "Hi."

Submitted on Saturday, January 23, 2010
By: Katherine
Age: 20
Question: I met this guy 4 months ago and when we first met he would say things like that he was really glad he met me and when we would be together he would always put his arm around me, and he would text me all the time. He invited me to sleep over twice and nothing happened. About a week after I stayed over we finally kissed, when i asked him about it a day later he said he was sorry for leading me on. After that we didn't talk much for a few weeks, then we started talking again, and sometimes he would put his arm around me again. I'm pretty sure he has a thing for another girl, but I don't know how he really feels about me, and unfortunately I still really like him. Its really confusing, what should I do?

VictorM's advice:

There's nothing to be confused about -- he's not into you. Give it up.

Don't confused acts of kindness or gestures of tenderness with romantic interest.

Submitted on Saturday, January 23, 2010
By: kayla
Age: 17
Location: ireland
Question: so i really need your help about my boyfriend of over a year. Recently he broke up with me just before Christmas and told me he didn't love me anymore and it wasn't anything i did it's just how he felt. But then we got back together on my birthday when he told me he'd made a big mistake and everything was good again. but now he's been spending loads of time with his friends and other girls (which i'm cool with) except he hasn't spend any with me and it seems like he has more fun with them. when i asked him about this he says that's cause i know your still always gonna be there. it makes me feel really unappreciated. are these signs he still doesn't love me?

VictorM's advice:

He's not into you. He only came back to you because he was bored, or lonely, or horny. But all signs point to you not being very significant in his life.

Submitted on Saturday, January 23, 2010
By: Ragu
Age: 14
Question: Hey Victor!
Remember me? Well I have new news on my two crushes. My one friend told 'Habenero' that I like him on facebook and he just said 'well we don't really get a chance to talk so yeas' So that isn't I like her or I don't like her. The next day I go on my facebook because my computer let me get a facebook finally and my first friend request was Habenero. So he requests me and he starts talking to me. So we are talking and I bring up that my friend told him something. All he says is 'yeah she did' nothing else really but there's nothing awkward between us and we are still cool. Like he was still talking to me like he wanted to get to know me but then the next day at school we do not talk at all and the same for the rest of the week and when I am on facebook and he is...Nothing. I mean this guy is giving me mixed signals and he will sneak some glances my way a few times in one of my classes. What does this mean? Oh and my friend said that he 'doesn't date' so what now?

Now 'Tomato' is another story. We talk in class and he always makes me smile and me only half the time. We are always laughing and having fun and we made a bet and he won. But yet he ragged and stuff just to bug me but he knew it would make me smile. But then this one guy askes me out and i say no because i like tomato and habenero. So i was telling tomato and he didnt seem jealous or anyhing he just...laughed. What the heck is that suppost to mean?! And now he will barely talk to me because he will now talk to my friend and his when we are at our lab tables in science and not at our seats. It hurts because sometimes I feel like he is just talking to her and me not being there. but they are just friends and would never go into like a relationship. He will look at me sometimes and smile and when I move in my seat he will sometimes move too like into the same position. Its funny and I dont know what is going on with him either. Uh they give me mixed signals!

What should i do? Should i just move on or keep fighting because I don't know if its worth it anymore? Thankx!!!;)

VictorM's advice:

Of course I remember you; how can I forget someone named Ragu? :)

I think it's the same story with both guys: they look at you and want your attention because you're probably really cute and attractive, but boys around your age are not too keen on a steady relationship with any one girl. They are at an age where they are just window shopping, not ready to buy yet. Boys also like to play it cool and not let the girl they like know that they like her, just to avoid rejection. Sometimes they'll even act like they don't like you, when they really do.

So, just be your usual friendly self... sooner or later, one of them is going to have a V8 moment and want to be all over you.

Submitted on Saturday, January 23, 2010
By: Nikita puri
Age: 16
Location: India
Question: How can I get my ex boyfriend back? I did a terrible thing to him and now I really want to make it up to him. How do I go about it without making a mess again?

VictorM's advice:

Once you hurt a guy's ego, he almost always has to hurt you back. That's because guys heal by hurting the source of their pain (basically, getting revenge). So, saying you're sorry is a good start, but it's not enough. What you have to do is let him know that he has hurt your feelings so much (fake it if you have to, including crying). For example, if he ignores you, say you feel so hurt by his actions. If he says you deserve it, say you know he's right, but still, it hurts you so much. The more pain he feels he's causing you, the closer he gets to forgiving you.

Now, I'm not saying he'll want to come back to you, but at least you'll stand a chance.

Submitted on Friday, January 22, 2010
By: Natalie
Age: 17
Question: What does he want from me? We've dated 3 times, and have always remained in close contact. When we hangout all he seems to want is sex, buuut! When I asked him "are you just using me for sex?" he said "No. I just have always felt a closeness with you and that's the only way I know how to express those feelings, I'm sorry." And then he alwaaaays tells me to text him (he never texts me first), but then he just randomly stops responding. Whaaaat does he want?!

VictorM's advice:

Whenever you do girlfriend type things with someone who is not your boyfriend, you're only going to get screwed.

What does he want from you? Sex!

Submitted on Friday, January 22, 2010
By: K
Age: 16
Question: hi victor! there's this guy that i really like but he is a senior, and i'm a sophomore. we run on the same team so i see him on at practice on a daily basis, and also i see him in the halls a lot, and we have the same lunch times. we've talked a handful of times but not about anything in particular. i really want to try and get to know him better before he graduates in may, but i'm too nervous to really start a friendship with him. i can talk easily to pretty much any other boy on the team, but this guy just makes me so shy. do you have any tips? i see him a lot in the halls, but i dont kno if it's weird to just start saying hi to him since we often pass and make eye contact but never say anything. i don't want may to roll around and realize that he's gone and regret not trying to get to know him. :(

VictorM's advice:

You totally should start by smiling at at him in the hall and saying "Hi, [his name]." Guys love to hear the sound of their name coming from a girl because it makes them feel noticed and remembered. It sends a strong signal for him to start hanging around you more.

Submitted on Friday, January 22, 2010
By: Elena
Age: 18
Location: Canada
Question: I have a big problem, it's about me, usually it's the guy that chases the girl but in my case it's the other way around, I kinda diss the guys who chase me and I go after the "hard" ones, but after a while I just lose interest.

And even worse, I do this while I have a boyfriend, I mean I wouldn't pick any of them over my bf but it's not nice to him, however I just can't stop and I wanna know why I'm like that even if I have someone I like. If you could give me advices about what to do to change this I'd be really glad :)!

Oh and I also feel attracted to every good looking guy I meet, why can't I just see them as a friend?

Thanks in advance :).

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like you're a guy trapped inside a girl's body. At least you know how we feel. :)

I don't really think there's much wrong with you. Feeling attracted to, even getting crushes on guys you find attractive is normal. And being challenged by "hard to get" guys is just denotes an ego that's still growing and defining itself. Eventually you lose interest because you're not ready to settle down yet. You're still in a getting to know the world and exploring your emotions and interests mode.

So you have a boyfriend. But come on, it's not like he's your passion. He's probably a nice guy that treats you well and you find some comfort being with him. You're not in love, you're not really committed. He has no staying power over it.

You're only 18. Boy or girl, I think your attitude is very common, and frankly, quite healthy. The only unhealthy thing about all of this is that you're letting the values that society dictate (namely, one girl, one boy, that's it) make you feel guilty. But your natural instinct is more rebellious, more curious, more adventuresome.

I say fuck societal values that more often than not just lead to unhappy women. Instead, follow your instincts. Do your thing. You have time to settle down and have one serious boyfriend. That time hasn't arrived for you yet.

Submitted on Friday, January 22, 2010
By: Brit
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: This is long but I need to tell the whole story I guess. So I have an ex boyfriend we were in an official relationship for a year and then for an unofficial relationship for a year. I decided to take a break which I usually don't do but he suggested it. So i only wanted a break for a week or two and he got so angry with me he didn't want to be with me. Which is nuts cause every time he has said I want to take a break he is ok but as soon as I say it im the worst person on earth. So we take a break for a week but we eventually started over for a month but unofficially. I told him i wanted to be with him the whole time but he said no and told me to stay away from him so i did. I got a job and put myself in college. So one night after a month went by completely separate we ended up seeing each other and having sex but he told me i dont want to be with you. So i said why ask me other and have sex with me thats not like you. So only a WEEK later he told me he was talking to a girl from our high school which he said he would never do. But I was upset cause i graduated from there so I still had friends there and i possibly knew the girl it was embarrassing. So I concentrated on work and getting into college then when I had to go back to my high school for transcripts I seen him. He talked to me for a while and and then he talked later that night. I asked him about the girl he said it was nothing he didnt like her and nothing happened between them he just needed someone to talk to after our break up. I didnt believe it at first he wouldnt tell me he was talking to a girl unless he liked her why would he tell he made a friend it seemed weird. My gut told me something more was going on. But I let it go and we were officially a couple for a week. I asked him if he ever slept with that girl and he laughed in my face and said maybe like we were playing a guessing game I knew he was lying cause he laughed and said maybe he always does that he cant lie in my face. So i asked over and over and he finally admitted to it. So I said its over the next day i had to go back to school to settle out my graduation ceremony my school is small so they wait for enough kids to graduate to do a ceremony. So he said he needed to meet me and tell me something else. He told me that this girl could possibly be pregnant. I broke down i told him off. He said he needed me wanted me but i said no. I went to school after our conversation and everyone knew even my former teachers friends and graduates. They would whisper behind my back and ask if I knew it was horrible i didnt even want to do my ceremony. After a while I said i'll spend more time with him to trust him again and fix things but everywhere i went it was talked about. So i took vacation for a week and cleared my head. I decided that i will be with him and we will get through this we wanted to be together. When I get back he says he doesnt want a relationship and wants to be single and wants to get things together and why dont i just live my life and see people. So I again left him alone and i dated a few guys but i didnt have a connection. So decided just be single i'll find a guy maybe when college startss. For the whole summer I stayted away from him and one night he showed up at my door crying saying he missed me. So I let him stay we didnt have sex we just talked but ended up making out. The unofficial thing started so i asked when he wanted a relationship he said when he gets his life together so 6 months later we are still doing the unofficial things we text we go on dates we have sex we do everything like we are in our old relationship but there is no real relationship. So i asked two weeks ago when are you going to be in a relationship with me. Its a new year so i want a new clean slate and get things in order im in college for my second semester i still have that job and i have volunteer work. Everything is in order except him. He says we are in a relationship, I told him no like a real committed relationship, He says we are committed we both dont sleep with other people. So i tell him no boyfriend, girlfriend so he says yeah we are. So i ask why then why you said you wanted to be single he said he didnt mean it like that. He clearly said i want to be single i want you to date other guys.It seemed weird like he sees me as that but we are not that but we act like our old selves. The answer seemed wishy washy not directly answering it so I ask am i Your girlfriend he says yeah. I left it alone but my gut tells me something else so i ask him last night what am I to you he says I dont know. I ask what do you want he says to have things be like they are. I asked does he want a relationship with me he says he doesnt want one with anybody. So i ask why to see if he is gonna give all the many reasons he did before but he doesnt he says he just doesnt want one. He says he is sorry he isnt into relationships cause they always have to end and someone always gets hurt. So I left the conversation like that. I dont know what to think if he doesnt like relationships why have a serious one with me for a year. And why keep on coming back to me knowing that I want a serious relationship. I feel strung along Im hurt but im just so tired of his lies and him saying one thing and doing another. If he didnt want a relationship he should of told me which he didnt but he could of just left me alone not come back leave come back. Its a waste of time i spent a whole year of unofficial B.S for nothing. I could done something else with all this energy. I dont know what to do should I end this cycle for good. And how we always come back to each other. Last night i though maybe that should the last time I talk to him. Cause every time we end it its very emotional and we end up together again. So i figured last night was a normal conversation and I dont know if just never talk to him again and not bother explaining myself. I dont know if thats immature I'm old enough to tell him why im not going to talk to him again but i just want to avoid the emotional thing. What should i do should I stick to him or just let him goor how shoudl i let him go.

VictorM's advice:

A few things:

When he says he doesn't want a relationship, he means he doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU. Guys usually omit those last two words because they don't want to be cruel, but that's always what they really mean.

When he comes back to you saying he misses you that's not a sign that he wants you back; it's a sign that he's too weak to stay away from you. Think of it as a cigarette smoker who wants to quit but after a few weeks smokes one. You're just that tempting cigarette, nothing more.

Guys will do and say just about anything to get some physical reward when they are horny enough. That's why your "reunions" always wind up in sex or making out. He just needs the physical contact. Once that happens, he's off again.

You and him have nothing, will never have anything worth keeping, and you entertaining any other ideas is just a waste of your time.

Submitted on Friday, January 22, 2010
By: mika
Age: 31
Location: italy
Question: Should I still bother?...
Was set up on a date last month (december) with this guy 10 years my senior (no, he is not married)…been out with him 3 times to this date & he is consistently in touch pretty much every week…Thing here is that, i'm just going with the flow, getting to know him, not expecting anything & basically see what happens…the issue here is that my friends/sisters are basically not liking him much anymore because of the little things of him not greeting me over for christmas & new year…and said that if he was really interested enough that he should want to see you more often / get in touch with you more often etc…and not only when he feels like it… - in my part, I didn’t really want to read much into everything – it is what it is…he probably was busy or whatever…then they (friends/sisters) argue back and say – what is a text message? Or a quick phone call? Blah blah…so what do you think of all this? What do you think of his actions etc? – thanks for your help & clarification.

VictorM's advice:

Your friends and sisters sound like the type of women that men really dislike. Don't listen to them when it comes to the behavior of men.

Men don't fall for women as easily as women fall for men. Most smart men do what this guy is doing -- taking it easy, getting to know you slowly, and not feeling trapped in the process. For someone who has just dated you a few times, keeping a distance during the holidays is not a big deal. The holidays are mostly a period for family and very close friends, and you two are neither of those to each other.

Unless you are the one who is liking him less, you should continue the casual dating. Get to know him better and allow him to get to know you in this casual manner. The only other advice I have for you is, do not do any girlfriend like activities with him until he is your boyfriend. Sleeping with a guy to get him to like you almost always winds up just getting you screwed (literally and metaphorically).

Submitted on Tuesday, January 12, 2010
By: Francesca
Age: 15
Location: California
Question: Victor,
There is a guy I like, who is in my class. He hasn't dated anyone, I don't think he's the dating type, because I'm sure he can get a girl. I'm not shy so I would have definitely asked him out, but I'm afraid that he doesn't date again because he doesn't really go out. I'm stuck, and I'm pretty sure he likes me. Where do I go from here?

VictorM's advice:

It’s usually unwise to ask a guy out, especially around your age. I suggest that you don’t think of dating at this point. Just make an effort to get to know him better, to talk to him more often, to greet him warmly, with a big smile and a “Hi, [his name]. Try to find out about his hobbies or special interested and bring those up. If you make him warm up to you, everything else is possible after that.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 12, 2010
By: jennifer
Age: 43
Location: wyoming
Question: how can i tell if my boyfriend is really over his ex who was the love of his life and the mother of his daughter?

VictorM's advice:

There's no way for you to tell. He may not ever get over her, but that should not be a problem. We humans have the capability to love more than one person. Having a soft side for her need not be a problem as long as you feel loved and respected. So focus on how he treats you.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: Daisypf
Age: 40
Location: U.S.
Question: I will try to keep this brief and to the point. My common-law husband is an extremely supportive man who helps around the house, loves my kids as his own, will do anything for anyone. We have a great time together. We are best friends. I've never felt so strongly about anyone and I know we have something great. There is one problem though and it has recently become a big one. Every once in a while, he gets these angry outbursts and I can never see them coming. This has been an ongoing issue for quite some time and he's recognized he has a problem and after the fact can usually see the harm its caused. He's gone to counselling because he is willing to change. He loves us and wants to do whatever it takes to resolve this and become a stronger couple. I did see the efforts he was putting in and there was a noticeable change. However, we had a blow up the other night where he grabbed me by the shirt, shook me and threw me to the ground. He did push me one other time, about a year ago, but it wasn't like this. Both times I did stand in his way because he wanted to leave and I didn't want him to because I was desparately trying to resolve things. I know that I could probably handle things differently too, but I also know there is no excuse for him laying a hand on me that way. So, for the last few days I have pretty much been avoiding him. I love him very much and I do really want this to work, but his actions shocked me to the core. My children did not see what took place, but I'm sure they've heard the verbals. I know he is willing to get more help and I know he really wants this to work. He's attempted to reach out to me, in a very hesitant way, but I haven't taken the bait. I want to, but then its like I'm telling him he got away with it. If he is truly willing to get help, I want to stand by him. He doesn't control me financially or socially at all. He doesn't speak to the kids in an abusive manner. But there never seems to be such a thing as a small argument...we don't argue often, but when there is a problem it tends to turn into a big issue. He focuses on the thing that pissed him off, but then ends up swearing at me and says things that make me feel inferior. He doesn't directly call me names, but will say that I'm being unreasonable, etc. That kind of stuff truly has decreased a lot though since he got help. Anyway, I end up losing focus on the issue that ticked him off to begin with and get stuck on how he spoke to me..so we end up going in circles. In the end, the argument escalates and in this case, I ended up on the ground in a way I never thought he'd touch me. So, where do I go from here? I know one of the cycles of domestic violence is the honeymoon phase following the abuse. There is no honeymoon phase - he's not trying to suck up or anything like that. I think he feels ashamed and embarrassed and its almost like he is hiding in a hole - afraid to show his face. I know he is capable of learning - he's proven it. He never had experience with kids so living with two teenagers has been a huge learning curve and although its brought some frustration, he's been willing to learn. He used to drink more than I was comfortable with, and although that was never a huge issue, its not an issue at all anymore because he's proven that my feelings do matter to him.

So, what do I do with this latest incident of him throwing me to the ground? Where do we go from here? I haven't stopped crying since it happened.

VictorM's advice:

You said he went to therapy, but it sounds to me like you need it too. In fact, maybe you two need to go together. He has the more visible lack of control, but you are not better when you stand in front of him and refuse to let him go. Who knows what you would do if you were bigger and stronger than him. Maybe you would have pinned him down too.

Often, a reaction like his is a reflection that what he’s trying to communicate to you isn’t working, hence the frustration. A common method to deal with this is to have him relive the moment he threw you down. Have him imagine starting to lift his hands to grab you but to freeze before his hands touch you. Have him consider what would have had to happen for him to not have grabbed you? What did he need to hear from you at that moment for him not to have pushed you? You can do the same exercise with you standing in front of him. What did he have to say or do for you to not have used your body to block him?

You will find that in both cases, you both have a desire to control the other. You demand things to be your way. You don’t allow for, or recognize, that the issue at hand that elevates the confrontation isn’t just a difference of opinion -- it’s the need to control the other that's taken over. It helps to recognize this before you take the next step, which is to accept the difference of opinion. For example, let’s assume he says you’re a lousy mother. As a good mother, probably nothing pisses you off more. And so you have the need to control his opinion, even if you know he probably doesn’t mean it, he’s just saying something hurtful to gain control over you. Learn to not allow his attempt at control to dominate you. A good attitude to develop is to say: "I disagree with you about my mothering abilities, but if it makes you happy to think so, so be it." And then walk away instead of blocking him.

Let me make it clear that I’m using you as an example but this applies to him even more because while you both have control problems, he’s bigger and stronger and therefore can cause more damage, both physically and emotionally.

But I strongly advise you to go to counseling together. It’s a shame to let this ruin what seems otherwise a really good thing. And a professional therapist should be able to explain much better the points I tried to point out above.

Don’t give up. There is no magic cure that makes everything all better all of a sudden. You will have relapses. Don't let them discourage you.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: Melissa
Age: 18
Location: Oregan
Question: What does it mean if....

One day we go to the movies, a local coffee shop, and mini golf one day and he pays for everything. a few days later we go to a concert he invited me to. then after nearly three hours of pub trans when we get back to his house, we sleep in the same bed and we cuddle (spooning, me laying against him, him holding my hand) but he doesn't kiss me. we have kissed and made out previously. but why not now? how does he see me? as just a friend? do guys cuddle with "just friends" or what?

VictorM's advice:

Well, it could be he was thinking that kissing you at that time would lead to sex, which would put pressure on him to be your boyfriend. Sounds like he’s just not ready to take that leap yet.

Or, it could be that he just had too much to drink and was tired.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: Kristy
Age: 29
Location: TN
Question: I've been talking to this guy for a little over a month. He's a friend, which has recently turned into more. One problem, he has a girlfriend. At first it didn't bother me til one night things got crazy emotions and passion was flowing and we had sex. Only happen once. He talks as if he's crazy about me, as i am about him. So i felt the need to have a conversation about if we should stay friends or be more without complications, meaning the girl. Was that too soon? Now he's making comments about me being hot and sending dirty pic's, but finding a way to stick friend to the comment. I'm so confused and don't know how to react. Should i wait for a few days and see how he acts then ask him again whats going on? It's almost as if he wants to be with me, but doesn't know what to do about the girl.

VictorM's advice:

Well, Kristy, you have your own view of the events. But it's possible that: things didn’t get crazy, it was common, rotten, everyday cheating; there was no emotion and passion, only out of control lust; and you’re not his friend, you’re an easy piece of ass that he kinda likes.

Maybe that explains why he’s not dumping the other girl. Everything else is just your imagination.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hello Mr. Vic,

I'm having an issue with my ex. He wants me back and is trying everything he can to get me to go back with him. He has told me that he misses me, wants me back, will do whatever he can to get me back, forget my boyfriend, he was actually happy with me and now he's a mess. My mother has already told him to stop calling me yet he called me just a few minutes ago to ask a question about myspace...I already told him that I have a boyfriend and is not leaving him and he keeps getting mad about it.

Why is he doing this? Why is he setting himself up? Why won't he let these feelings go...we been broken up since October?

Thank you,
Wolffy

VictorM's advice:

Hi Ms. Wolffy, haven't heard from you in a while.

Well, your ex is just proving to you why he's an ex and why he should stay that way. His behavior is consistent with someone who wants what he can't have, and undervalues what he does have.

Don't give him explanations or justifications. And cut out all contact with him, to the extent that you can. At this point, any attention he gets from you, even negative attention, only encourages him more.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: Rachel
Age: 15
Location: ny
Question: ok so there is this guy that goes to my school. one thing is that i am in 10th grade and he is in 11th grade and i really like him. i meet him in gym class but then i switched out because i really did not know anyone in that class.i think that this other kid i know told him that i liked him and for a while now when i would see him he would say hi rachel and everything even his friend does sometimes. he is the one that will say something first, all i do isjust replay.and our lockers are not that far from each other so one time class were going and during that time we were both at our lockers but he was with his friend, and they were like hi rachel and i am pretty sure his friend was asking me o what class do you have now and what did you have last period. so one time my friend was in the libary and they were talking to this other girl who liked my crush's friend and his friend had a girl friend. so my friend asked him do you like rachel and she said that she heard him say i love rachel but very quiet. but the thing is i am not sure if he says that to a lot of girls he knows i mean i really dont talk to him that much because i really never see him. sometimes when i just see his friend he will even say hi to me. even when i would be out side running and practicing for track he would be walking in the road with a group of people and say hi and wave to me.. i am sooo confussed i am not sure if his guy is doing this on purpose because he knows that i like him

VictorM's advice:

I understand your confusion. Boys, specially in high school, are very hard to read because in part, they really aren't sure what they want. So rather than risking too much at this time, I suggest that you don't worry about things that are too far down the road, such as if he would want to be your boyfriend. Focus for now on just making a bigger impression. You do that by replying to him saying "Hi Rachel" with a big smile and a "Hi, [his name]" (to a male, a girl using his name is music to his ears). Try, if you can, to engage in a little bit of conversation, even if it's a small question or a simple comment.

Just focus on that for now.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: heather
Age: 20
Location: ky
Question: i been with my boyfriend for a year and 5 months, but for awhile now he became jealous. Over everything, and its embarrassing and i don't know how i feel anymore. Also the same time i met my boyfriend this new guy started at my work. He was always sweet to me and always right there to talk to me and since he got fired i couldn't text him because my jealous boyfriend i hadn't talked to him in like 5 months! So out of no where he ran into my sister at a factory job and he asked her if she was my sister. She said yeah. But what she told me he was excited to be able to hear about me. He gave her his number on a piece of paper for me :-) and when she told me she ran into him i was so happy and was happy the rest of the day! He started texting me every day even came to the mall all dressed up to see me. And i don't know, i got confused cause i'm scared to leave my boyfriend. I don't know what he would do!? So about two weeks ago my boyfriend asked me to marry him...i said yes. I told chris and he stopped texting me and even asked this girl out he was just talking to for a while it was like he was waiting for me to leave my boyfriend for him. So we didn't talk for two weeks and i randomly called him one night. Seriously we talked for 3 hours and he was telling how much he respected me and all the things he liked about me. I asked him why he didn't tell me a while ago but he was shy he is perfect for me and i have heard it so many times i'm so lost right now i just want what's best for me. please help me thank you

VictorM's advice:

Marrying a man who gets jealous over everything, to the point that you feel you can't even call a friend, is a prescription for a very unhappy life.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: ???
Age: 20
Question: Why do guys ignore girls? Like they stare, they show some interest, but when it comes to texting i get no reply..And i just trying to form casual convo...Do guys like texting or are they busy given that this guy im relating my question to do not converse on social websites. He isn't a member.

VictorM's advice:

Guys aren't really interested in friendship with girls, so unless they have an ulterior motive, they have better things to do with their lives that text endlessly. Even if they like a girl, text is still evil in relationships and a woman who judges a guy's interest based on the frequency of texting is going to be a very unhappy woman. Guys see texting as a tool, something to be used when there is a need to, not just random banter. Guys are also single minded and more prone than girls to be stuck in a frame of mind. That is, when a guy is at work, his mind is on work. If he's watching TV, his mind is on that. We're also not as needy when it comes to reinforcement that you like us, unlike girls, who need to hear if over, and over, and over.

Stop texting! Chances are that this guy is not that interested. Staring at you just means he likes staring at you. Showing some interest is what guys do to dozen of girls a day.

Submitted on Monday, January 11, 2010
By: Erin
Age: 19
Location: Texas
Question: Why is it so hard for guys to get over their first loves? I have tons of girl friends who are way past their first love even after a couple months as long as they have a new boyfriend. How come I keep dating and liking guys only later find out they are still hung up on their high school girlfriend that broke up with them a year a go? When are these guys going to get over this!!! I am a freshman in college, by the way.

VictorM's advice:

I haven't seen any studies that back me up, but I venture to guess that guys get over girls quicker than the other way around. However, if the girls were the ones who broke up with the guys, those guys are more likely to carry a wounded ego with them. And this is where you come in. See, you are the common denominator. For some reason, you are attracted to wounded boys. You're probably the type that wants to help them, save them, bring them the happiness they seem to lack. That overly motherly instinct is a turn off.

If you want to change who you are attracted to, you have to change yourself. Here's cent's version of what you can do: 1) make a list of the things you liked most about the last guy you really liked; 2) rank that list in order of priority in terms of what you liked most; 3) whatever is at the top of your list, is a characteristics you feel you lack, which is why you are attracted to him; 4) work to change that attribute about yourself.

Submitted on Sunday, January 10, 2010
By: Emily
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question: My question..umm how to start...
well I am really good friends with this guy..I have known him a long time..only in the past year and a half have we become really really close..and well I think I like him...and I can't tell if he likes me..
he tells me all the time that I am pretty, cute ect.
he texts me every day to say "good morning" and if he doesn't say good morning to me he says that his day is not good. He tells me that I am the best friend a guy could have. He also tells me all the time that he loves me... but I'm not sure if he means he really loves me or just loves me like a friend...when I am sad he is sad and has to cheer me up! and he teases me often. we go see a lot of movies together, just me and him. but I don't want to assume this is anything but friendship until I know for sure.
and his best friend, whom I have not met yet, texts me a lot and talks to me about this guy...he has asked me if I like him and if I would go out with him...but I know they talk to each other all the time and I don't want my friend to find out I like him because I am scared that he doesn't like me and I don't want things to be weird because we are really good friends and all.
so I guess what I want to know is do you think he likes me? or am I just a really good friend.
thanks

VictorM's advice:

Guys aren't interested in girls they find pretty for just friendship. But to understand where he's at, you need to understand a basic difference between guys and girls.

Girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. For this reason, a girl will try to latch on to a guy early on and then learn more about him (and what she doesn't like, she'll try to change), while guys prefer to learn as much as possible about a girl (usually under the guise of friendship) before agreeing to a relationship because at the first sign of trouble, we prefer to move on. So, he's in the "learning about you under the guise of friendship" phase.

What will happen next when is reaches some conclusion is this: he will either ask you to be his girlfriend, or your "friendship" will end.

Submitted on Sunday, January 10, 2010
By: Brittany
Age: 15
Location: USA
Question: I told my best guy friend i was starting to fall in love with him (don't worry it's TEENY BOOPER love) but i told him. And he is mad at me...about something and i don't know why he is mad at me...and i'm crying my eyes out:( I don't know what to do? Can u help?

VictorM's advice:

You probably took him by surprise and he didn't know how to react, so to buy himself time, he's "mad." He just needed some space and appearing mad at you was how he got the space.

Believe me, he'll be fine in no time and will talk to you again.

Submitted on Sunday, January 10, 2010
By: Kimmy
Age: 13
Location: Idaho
Question: Hey!
Ok so my best friend is having a sweet 16 and she likes this guy and she wants him to come but she wants me to ask him to come with me! and he is a really good friend to me....but i must say i have been getting some emotions for this guy! and so now i'm nervous to ask him to come to the party! i mean i am gonna ask him...but i mean how do i ask him to the party? help!

VictorM's advice:

Will he know some of the people at the party? Because if he only knows you, he may not want to come. But anyway, the best way is to get the to the point: "My friend [her name] is having a sweet 16 party on [date and time] and I think it would be fun if you could make it."

Submitted on Sunday, January 10, 2010
By: Ragu
Age: 14
Location: salsa
Question: Hi Victor
So this is partly a friend/ guy problem. see my two best girlfriends bug me about my ex crush (jalapeno is his 'nckname' somehow) and bot my two current crushes (tomato and pepper are their 'ncknames') i really dont get it how they go the nicknames but they bug me about it all the time. like now when all three of them are near each other my friends will scream in the hallway look its salsa! and stuff and i is really embarrassing sometimes. most of the time it is annoying. i know they dont mean it and i love them two t death but they really like to push my buttons a little too bard and i have toldyhem this but now everyone around us is starting to get suapicious. One of my other friends found out and everyone is asking me some questions about like what are your friends screaming or somehing. and soon i think my crushes are gonna find out by a 'slip up' from my friends. i know my ex crush knows somethin but thankfully i dont see him but the other two are in like almost all of my classes! im still not sure if it is the best that they know that i like them because were somewhat friends and always laugh and yea i do flirt wih both of them. I cant just like ignore my friends because i love them too much but i cant inore my feelings for tomato or pepper. Great now i am starting to call them that. oh and one of their last names is johnson so sometimes my friends will say johnson really loud or johnson and johnson or even my name and johnson. idk i know they mean well but i even told them to back off some and they did but just non enough. hey are most obnioux friends ever and the funniest
the two guys are somewhat friends but not best best friends. they hang out and they talk but they dont seem that close. i go back qnd forth between the two and i really like hem both. i think that tomato likes me but im scared to say anything and my friend thinks that pepper likes me. he thinks that because me and pepper sit net to eachother in science and always talk and my friends says that he looks at me when im not looking and will smile at me. i dont know but my friend also bugs me in science as to how we both have blonde hair and blue eyes and we sometimes wear the same colors. he thinks we would be cute together while my two best girls think me and tomato would be good too. idk i no their opinion doesn't matter but what they say and what people hear are some hings to worry about.
my friends also say like oh we are gonna go tell jalapeno everything about how you used to like him and they know it bugs me but whatever. they aren't bitches at all but they are jokers and loud. what should i do? i love my friends but cant ignore them and i really like my crushes but i dont think i want them to find out like jalapeno did last year from my friend. thank you
sooooooooooo much victor!!!! happy new year

VictorM's advice:

You're thinking and worrying too much. You need to take a walk in the quote garden to help you deal with your worrying problem.

PS. Happy New Year to you too.

Submitted on Sunday, January 10, 2010
By: Kelsie
Age: 17
Location: Alabama
Question: My boyfriend play World of Warcraft or Halo allll the time. I feel like there is no time left for me because he is always at his friends playing these video/ computer games. He knows I don't love him playing all the time but he does it anyway.. What should I do? I don't want to seem controlling or whatever.

VictorM's advice:

I just answered a similar question. Check it here and see if it helps. If not, write back.

Submitted on Sunday, January 10, 2010
By: xena
Age: 14
Location: czech republic
Question: i like this guy who i have known for about a year but we don't go to the same school so it's kinda hard to get hold of him, but we chat on msn a lot, which is not a good thing i know but there is really no other way how i can talk to him.. i really wanna meet him too but he goes to another school where there are many girls (in fact it is the biggest international school in czech republic).. we also went out for about 2 weeks about 3 months ago but it didn't work out because it was only an msn thing, we didn't actually meet up nor do anything.. and now i saw him again quite a few times because we have holiday and i think i like him again. we still chat on msn all the time and i have tried everything to stop liking him but nothing is working. and his statuses are always about love or missing someone every time he talks to me, do you think he still might like me? i really want it to work out, not like last time which was only an msn thing but this time for real. do you think i have any chances? if yes, what should i do?

VictorM's advice:

If he still chats with you a lot, he's at least interested in you. Boys usually don't have a lot of patience for girls they don't like. But he may get discouraged by the distance, which could explain why he doesn't take further action.

How far away from each other are you? Can you talk on the phone? How difficult would it be for you to see each other on weekends, for example? Let me know so I have a better idea.

Meanwhile, continue to talk online, learn about the things he likes a lot, and pay him some compliments.

Submitted on Sunday, January 10, 2010
By: Alex
Age: 19
Location: Hawaii
Question: I met a guy recently, about a week ago now after receiving initial contact from him on an internet dating website a few days beforehand and before I make the possibly regrettable plunge I wanted some unbiased male input on the likely outcomes.

Is he really that good a player or is it possible that I’ve actually impressed him enough to get more from him than other girls did...? We met almost every day this week, I had other plans which tied in nicely with meeting up with him after he finished work and he texted/called me just about every single chance he got. Now from the beginning he made it very clear that he’s been with a lot of girls/women – even detailed the physical attributes of his ‘perfect’ girl – and I’ll have you know, I’m not her. But any way, during our first meet up he invited me to come over his house the following Saturday to have sex, I politely declined because I wasn’t interested in becoming another girl he had sex with once and never saw again (though I said it in other words), then after we said our goodbyes I thought I’d probably never hear from again after that...

But that wasn’t the case at all, not even 5 minutes later after being away from each other he was already texting me again then called me later that evening and in it we’d briefly talked about exclusivity but only in passing. The next day he invited me to meet his friends the Friday. That night (Friday) when we were cuddling on his friends couch and everyone had gone to bed he asked me what I was thinking about and I didn’t say much, then I asked him what he was thinking about. He said that he was thinking about how he wanted me to be his girlfriend and that part of him wanted to say yes and ask because apparently ‘I’m amazing’ and the other said no because he wanted to stay single. A little while later, after talking about something else he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.

He’d invited me to stay at his house again but this time said we don’t have to have sex if I don’t want to. So I did stay and he didn’t put any pressure on me to have sex at all. In fact, the next day he shouted me to the movies and to lunch, then paid for my train ticket home. We still haven’t had sex either and he has already talked about taking me to things later on in the year with him. I’ve obviously missed out a few things, but if I go on intuition he obviously sees me differently to the other girls he shags then leaves.

Do you think he’s being genuine with me or could it still all be smoke and mirrors for a shag?

VictorM's advice:

It's so great being a guy. We could be the biggest jerks and girls will still find all these wonderful qualities about us that we don't even know we have. So, he told you the perfect girl is nothing at all like you, and was trying to make an appointment to have sex with you. And somehow, you find this charming about the guy?

OK, OK so that was an unnecessary rant on my part because that's not your question.

Well, he could be genuine or you could have just become a challenge that he needs to conquer. I'll tell you exactly when you'll know -- soon after you have sex with him. Meanwhile, I'm sure that as a girl, you'd like to believe you're the woman that came along and tamed his wild dick heart. I know how it is... I too saw Pride and Prejudice.

But there is one good thing: Your intuition isn't totally dead -- at least you accept room for doubt. And that should tell you a lot.

Submitted on Saturday, January 09, 2010
By: Natasha
Age: 38
Location: Sydney
Question: My guy broke up with me 5 months ago. I wished him well and other than occasional texts we cut all contact. He does not know that i still care for him as I played it real cool.

He asked me for coffee last week but I did NOT want to jump at the opportunity in case he thinks I am too needy or too easy to get (therefore loses interest again)

Is there any way I can get him back on equal terms?

VictorM's advice:

Not likely. There was a reason (or reasons) why he broke up with you. What caused it probably didn't go away.

Chances are that this call isn't an attempt at reconciliation; quite often, such calls are part of the breaking up process, a moment of hesitation, one last chance to confirm he had good reasons for doing what he did.

I wonder, might he have broken up with you because he didn't think you cared enough? You know, hiding your feelings and making it seem like you weren't phased by the breakup isn't good communication -- you're saying the opposite of what you feel.

If you do have coffee, regardless of his motives, maybe you should come clean. Even if that's not what he wants to hear, you'll live with yourself better knowing that you didn't hold back.

Submitted on Saturday, January 09, 2010
By: Courtney
Age: 39
Location: Missouri
Question: What does it mean when a guy asks you in French I want your love?

VictorM's advice:

It means the same thing as if he'd said it in English, but he thinks you'll think is more romantic. N'est-ce pas?

Submitted on Saturday, January 09, 2010
By: Katelyn
Age: 30
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: My husband and I rarely have sex...maybe once or twice every 2 to 3 weeks. He's often "too tired..." Seriously??? He's a guy! Why not?! It would be ideal (for me) to have sex at least 2 to 3 times a week!!! I could understand if we were married for 20 years and OLD... We have been together for a few years and married only a few months. What is up? Thanks for your insight!

VictorM's advice:

Maybe he's watching too much porn, "Brandi" (By the way, you were 29 as Brandi but 30 as Katelyn. I'll assume you had a birthday -- Happy Birthday).

Guys want sex a lot when they are teenagers, or when we shouldn't. The rest of the time, we can get quite lazy.

Time to rock the routine. Change your hairstyle, buy clingier and more revealing clothing, use different perfume, rearrange the furniture, change the lighting, smile a lot, relieve stress at home, strive to make your lives more fun. The sex will follow.

Submitted on Saturday, January 09, 2010
By: Wanting more
Age: 38
Location: North Carolina
Question: Dear guys,
I am a 38 year old woman who lives with a younger guy. I love sex, foreplay, in fact, I have no problem saying that I love it. The problem is, we have been together for 5 years and I don't get what I want from him in the bedroom. My drive is higher than his, and i find myself many times wanting to be with someone else because I don't get what I need. I have talked to him too many times, I'm ready to throw in the towel because I don't feel my needs are being met.

PS. When I don't want it, he finds a way to get his piece and get off, and not only that but when I'm ready to leave he wants to do what I want in bed so that I won't go anywhere- and this only pisses me off. What is up with this. Thanks

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like a heavy dosage of machismo -- he'll do it when he wants to, not when you do. If he can't dominate you by wanting more sex than you do, he'll dominate you by wanting it less than you do.

Whether you like to admit it or not, he's calling the shots.

Submitted on Saturday, January 09, 2010
By: Deb
Age: 39
Location: Oh
Question: The man I thought was my boyfriend told me last night his ex called him to tell him she was pregnant with his child. I have had issues with him being unfaithful to me in the past and he admitted he was with her around the time I was devastated about another girl he had sex with but we had a fight after that, I told him I was done then a few weeks later we worked things out and he said he was truly happy with me and liked where things were headed then she calls to tell him this. He told her about me so he says, she is older and already has 2 kids from a marriage. I know I should cut ties and go away but it's so hard I really truly care about him to the point I was falling in love and now this has to happen he says he is leaving it up to me as far as us goes but I don't even know if there can be an us if he decides to try to make things work with her. He said they were going to get together to discuss how to go about this, she is keeping the baby but I don't know where I fit. He says the timing couldn't be worse because he sees he wants to be with me but I know he has a history with her and obviously some unresolved feelings if he had hooked up with her a few times over the past 10 months we have been together. I am devastated a guy could sleep with an ex and 2 months later feel that he doesn't want to cheat on the girl he has been with anymore and wants to do the right thing and would he still want to be in the relationship knowing his ex is carrying his baby? I feel I don't have a chance in hell...

VictorM's advice:

Frankly, I think his ex having a baby is the least of your problems.

There is a pattern of cheating. The odds of it happening again, either with the ex or another girl, are quite high. In fact, I would bet heavily that it will happen again.

Submitted on Saturday, January 09, 2010
By: Jen
Age: 20
Location: Australia
Question: So I met this guy online through a mutual friend (I know, I know).

Well, we met in person and saw a movie. It was a bit awkward because there was some unwanted company (people I was not on good terms with) and people I didn't know very well. After the movie, he left and didn't speak to me for two days.

I'm the kind of girl that makes guys chase me, so I patiently waited for him to make contact with me first the next day. Well, he did...he basically said "I'm sorry for coming off as such an idiot. I'm so stupid. I always do this. I'm always like that around pretty girls."

Then I assured him everything was just fine...and we never talked again.

He just stopped talking to me! I don't understand why. He's been with girls ten times prettier than me (I'm quite average-looking, really), so I don't understand why he would stop talking to me :(

Do you think he was just rejecting me nicely? I really don't think me being "too pretty" is why he stopped talking to me. He knows some draw-droppingly, drop-dead gorgeous girls.

This is all just so confusing.

Thank you in advance.

VictorM's advice:

There is no magic answer. People go out on dates and size each other up. You just didn't do it for me. Everything else he says you should discard; guys will try to spare hurting your feelings and say whatever they think is necessary.

Put simply: he just wasn't into you.

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: Marian
Age: 24
Location: Argentina
Question: Hey victor, how's it going? Here I am once again filled with questions!

Anyway, I'll try to keep short: I'd really like to understand this guy's behavior.
Almost 2 weeks ago I went out with one of my male friends. We always had some kind of "tension" between us but nothing ever happened since I was always in relationships and since he's somewhat a ladies’ man I wasn't interested in becoming another stain in his mattress.

I’ve always been curious about how he might kiss and that night I wanted to try it. I needed to be with someone who didn’t care about me romantically cuz I had just broken up with my boyfriend and as Freddy Mercury says I needed to “break free”.

He’s dating a model now, non-exclusively, sleeping with some other girl for the past year and a half and also seeing another girl from time to time. I know… why would I wanna get in there, right? Hehe like I said, I was curious and I wanted to stop being so moral all the time.

The outing was terrible. He kept going on and on about the model who has just told him she got some kind of bacteria FROM HIM that caused an infection and needed surgery. Right there I knew she was lying, no-one gets surgery from an STD (a week later all the tests came back negative. He’s clean). Anyway, we went back to his place to watch a movie (we used to do that often) and we ended up cuddling and then kissing. The cuddling was great, the kisses were good but I wasn’t feeling turned on at all. Apparently he wasn’t either. I mean, he had the physical reaction but he didn’t seem into it cuz when I had to go he didn’t say or do much to go any further. He drove me home and said goodbye. I kissed him on the cheek, not the lips.

3 nights ago he comes online and tells me to go for a walk (we both like walking at night), he was supposed to login to MSN an hour before our meeting but he appears like 2 hours later (he sent a text to my broken phone telling me he was going to be late…). Then he says he’s sorry but since he was leaving for another city in 10 hours and would be back after the girl he’s sleeping with (not the model) leaves for her vacation, she wanted to spend the night with him. So he felt sorry, he actually wanted to walk with me more than seeing her but he had to go (I don’t know when exactly he started to think I’m stupid enough to fall for that).

This is the part I don’t understand: Why would he do that? I mean, I wasn’t expecting anything, I don’t really care about him (romantically) and he doesn’t care about me either but why didn’t he try to be with me? Last time I checked he wanted to… and I always thought that if a girl was up for it (and the guy didn’t find her extremely unattractive) the guy would try to sleep with her! I know he’s not the ideal candidate, but he had everything I needed: trust and total lack of commitment and feelings for me. So what happened?!?!? The first time he could have been worried about the STD thing but then, on Wednesday, he knew he was clean and still preferred to go and meet that other girl. I can’t help but to feel rejected! (and yes, I won’t play the victim here, it’s an ego thing. My ego got hurt, but I still want to understand!)

VictorM's advice:

This one is easy. His actions do not reflect rejection; in fact, quite the opposite. He just paid you a compliment.

There are girls that a guy thinks of so highly that he would not, could not, just use sexually. In his mind, he has a picture of the pre-Freddy Mercury Mariana, a girl who only makes out with boyfriends. And to have made out with you, that night, under the circumstances, would be a betrayal. He may be a playboy, but at least with you, he lived up to his better self. Guys may be self-serving jerks, but that doesn't mean we're it 100% of the time.

Next time, you may not be so lucky. Be careful what you wish for, and who you experiment with.

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: Claudia
Age: 20
Location: Milan
Question: Hi Victor, I really like your comment. I have learned a lot from you^^

I have a guy friend and he was away on vacation with his family. He emailed me during the vacation and told me that they were going to a pub to dance a little, and he said "I will dance for you". When would guys say this to girls? Is it something normal that a guy says to a female friend?

And if he is interested ( he emails/texts me like everyday or twice a day ), what should I do to keep our friendship? You see I don't want to lose a good friend in case we date and it doesn't work out. Thank you very much!!

VictorM's advice:

I think "I'll dance for you" is just an awkward way of saying he's thinking of you.

But don't go assuming he wants more than what he's got right now, namely, your attention. Continue to do the same as you always have. It would be presumptuous of you to assume anything else.

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: Kristen
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: Is seeing your boyfriend every other weekend ok I spend friday night to sunday with my boyfriend one weekend and then a weekend with my friends or family then the next weekend with him. I feel like its ok but I don't seem fulfilled with the relationship like there isn't much going on. I'm not sure if I need more time of more quality in the time I get. We don't do much when I see him I go to his house and we stay in all weekend and watch tv and hang out inside we have fun but I don't know if it's enough. Does this seem normal. I'm not sure if its me or it's not enough time or it's just the way we spend our time. I stopped hanging out with old friends cause they weren't good for me so i'm alone a lot I go to work 6 times and week and go to college but i'm not sure if im not fulfilled because i cut out all of bad friends and i have none at the moment or im really not fulfilled with me relationship. Or is it both?

VictorM's advice:

Feeling fulfilled is a very individual thing; what might please some people may drive others to tears with boredom. Seeing him more often won't help if all you do is more of the same.

What would be more fulfilling to you: go to movies or dinner? Go hiking or skiing? Volunteer at a shelter or play pool? Or, is it that he just doesn't ignite passion in you?

You need to be honest with yourself, decide what you think would be more exciting, and lay out a course of action to do it. Do NOT expect him to be the one to come up with things that would make you happy. it's an unfair burden.

There is no normal; there's only what makes you happy, and what doesn't. Work on happiness.

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: michelle
Age: 12 (ya i know im young)
Location: US
Question: okay, so one of my best friends that i, apparently, like have been friends for like 2 years so last year everyone thought he liked me but since i was so stubborn, i needed him to tell me and he is the same. i told my friend and he told my other friend (that i like) and he just asked me all the time. in person, in an email, in games, on the phone and everytime, i just got really nervous and said maybe. then over the summer, we emailed eachother in the beginning, but then my laptop broke down. now we're back and he's been ignoring me in the beginning and then later we started talking again, and stopped, started, etc. i dont know why he's doing this, do u?

VictorM's advice:

One of the things you need to know about guys is that they are very moody. They can go from being all cheerful and smiles to brooding and withdrawn. A lot of that has to do with chemicals released in our bodies, and that happens much more frequently around boys your age. So, basically, if they are not behaving like their usual selves, just wait a day or two and they'll get back to normal.

Also, guys play little games of giving you the cold shoulder to see if you notice. It's a way of finding out if you're paying attention to them. But, here's the trick: you never really want them to know that you're paying too much attention, cause then they get cocky. It works best if they think they have to work for your attention.

See? Ain't it easy to figure out guys? :)

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: Paige
Age: 15
Location: Slidell, LA
Question: So, I've been going out with a guy for 8 months.. today (I'm 15 and he's almost 17). We kinda celebrate our month anniversaries, but we don't get each other gifts or stuff like that, just spending the day together and a movie or dinner. He's a supper sweet guy and I know that he doesn't want to just get in my pants... so stop before you jump to conclusions like that please. But anyway, as I was saying, today is our 8 month anniversary. We went to go see a movie and then went back to his house and his friend came over then... I mean, I love his friends and everything but I was just hoping to spend the day with him today. He kinda ignores me when his friends are around, but it's just been lately that he has been doing this. So now I'm just at home, all alone while they are at a friends party. I was invited but it's with his band and he just leaves me to hang out with them most of the time... so I declined the invitation.

My boyfriend didn't seem the least bit phased that we didn't spend too much time together.. I mean he said "I'm sorry" about going to the party because he knew I wanted to spend time with him. But I mean, if he knew that I was upset, wouldn't he sacrifice one party to spend a special day for us together?? He's even going to see his band tomorrow for band practice.. I just don't get it. It seems like he cares more about his friends than me... but it hasn't always been this way.
How do I rekindle that spark that we had? What would you, as a guy, think is the best way for a girl to get some attention?

And I'm not usually this conceited or self-absorbed.... I just want things the way the used to be. I'm usually a very generous person when it comes to our relationship and I think that may be the reason for this sudden shnage of attitude for him.

VictorM's advice:

OK, as I guy, I think you're crazy thinking that the day of your 8th month together is somehow more special than any of the other days. Do you also celebrate the weeks as well? And if not, why not? Why not 8.5 months? What force on Earth gives you the power to decide what is a special day and what is not, and why do you believe that as a guy, I should know what's in your head and I even if I did, that I would have to agree with you?

Now, I'm not saying it's wrong for you to want to celebrate a monthly anniversary, I am saying that good communication makes no room for "he should have known." If that day is special and you have expectations for it, you should tell him, in plenty of time, what your expectations are.

But you're not the only one with special days. Earth does not revolve around your expectations. He too has special interests. And it's healthy for both of you to have other special interests besides each other.

And, the last thing you want to do is drive a wedge between yourself and his friends; you're likely to lose, not because he may not like you enough, but because ultimatums are not your best friend.

Things will never be like they were. NEVER. As a couple get to know each other and are more comfortable and secure with each other, they gravitate to a more balanced life, with a more even mix of friends, hobbies, time alone, work, school, etc. Wanting things to be the way they were is the same as living in a fantasy world -- the sooner you join the real world, the happier your life will be.

You want to get attention? Ask him if he had fun with his friends, and to tell you all about his band. Show interest in the things he loves, and he'll show interest in you. And when you want something to happen that involves him, spell it out.

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: natalia
Age: 15
Location: westminster
Question: there are two guys in my life--or trying to be, anyway. the three of us are in the same form and we have social studies together. alex is always going on about how sexy he thinks i am and whatever (but i'm not a slag and i'm not going to go there). james seems interested and he's always sticking up for me and stuff, but i think i may have pushed him away when i told him i was unsure of commitment, and now i think i'm falling for him again. do you think alex is serious about me or does he just want to get off with me? and what should i do about james?

VictorM's advice:

Do nothing about neither of them. You're afraid of commitment for a reason; it's really a way of knowing you're not ready for either guy.

Keep letting them trip over themselves for your attention. No need to rush making a decision yet. Turn them into your puppies and make them fetch things. As long as boys are toilet trained, they can be fun to have around. :)

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: Paige
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: I posted a question a couple days ago about getting a guy to ask me out. I'm kind of shy though, so I couldn't get up the nerve to talk to him about the movie without smiling so hard I can't talk. He's in one of my classes, and we sit at the same table. What are ways I can flirt with him that will get him to talk to me? Also, how do I tell if he's flirting with me?

VictorM's advice:

Flirting means nothing. Guys flirt with girls they like and they flirt with girls they don't like. Flirting is a wau to boost their ego, not show feelings.

If you can't have a conversation about the movie in person, do it over text.

But Paige, you can't hide under the "I'm shy" excuse forever. I'm not asking you to be the life of the party and to become very outgoing over night. Shyness is something you can get over if you decide to take small, tiny baby steps, one at a time. Just one step. Just push yourself one tiny bit. So... if texting him feels a bit uncomfortable... do it. That's your baby step for the day.

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: katie
Age: 16
Location: sydney
Question: i went out on a date with a guy [of the same age] today where we went and saw a movie. i've known him a year but was never really sure if i liked him or not. we seemed to get on great before the movie started but the minute we got in there he began to become very touchy which was getting a little frustrating but i let him snog me for a while as of course i kind of assumed that he was really into me. after the movie it suddenly became very awkward in which he had to go all of a sudden and left me standing stupidly at the train station...although he doesn't have details he does know my bad history with ex bf's and promised that he would never treat me the same way. i think its the first girl he's ever gone out with and he's made no intention of contacting me since. i'm infuriated as a i feel that i've been bluntly used and wish that i'd never gone out with him in the first place. hes really lowered my self esteem and i want to find out is it something i did wrong or is he simply just an idiot? i want to avoid situations like this in the future.

VictorM's advice:

Don't blame yourself for some guy's stupidity and lack of respect for you. He behaved badly, not you. But, we all makes mistakes. The question is are you going to dwell on them or learn from them?

There are a couple of expressions that I use frequently when giving advice, and I hope you pay close attention to two of them.

One: if you do girlfriend things with a guy who isn't your boyfriend, you're going to get screwed. So snogging with a first date is not likely the thing you want to repeat.

Two: replace "I should have..." with "Next time I will..." That is, turn what happened to you in the past from something that lowers your self esteem into an event that only makes you stronger and more powerful next time because you simply refuse to make the same mistakes again.

Having said that, being a 16 year old boy can be quite tormenting. There are a lot of pressures from his peers to "score" with girls. So don't see his actions as using you, they are really a reflection of his lack of self confidence and inability to respect other people's feelings. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just hoping that he too can learn from his mistakes.

Submitted on Friday, January 08, 2010
By: ellie
Question: Hi victor
I guess its been a while since you heard from me and I have a new mess to ask you about.
Basically I met this guy through a friend about three weeks ago. Me and my best friend started hanging out with him and his best friend every single night for a week straight (and hanging out with their friends too). I don't know how it happened but every night we came to their house and stayed over. I really liked the guy and on the fourth or fifth night we had sex. I definitely like him more than he likes me. They were planning to go on vacation and they invited us. Me and my friend had to move out of our apartment so we moved out and we went on vacation with them and their friends for a week.
When we got back we had no place to live (long story) so they said we could stay with them until we got a place. We have been living with them for a week now.
I have been sleeping with him during all this time and my friend has been hooking up with his friend. I know that he probably doesn't like me as much as I like him, but he has been really kind and helped me out with a few things during the past week. I have not asked him how he feels about me or been clingy. We always all hang out together and I don't touch him or talk to him more than I do anybody else.
Anyway, today something terrible happened. First I have to explain that he makes his money doing something not exactly legal. He has been having some close calls lately and he's been really nervous. He was also teaching me the business a little and helping me make some money because I have been completely broke. Today he offered to drive out of town with me because I needed to get something. He was being nice because he said I needed company. While I was driving I got pulled over for making an illegal turn, and while the cops talked to us they found out he had a warrant for a ticket he did not pay and arrested him. He has to spend the night in jail until he clears it and possibly even the weekend if they don't see him in time. I feel so absolutely terrible you can't imagine. If he wasn't being nice offering to go with me and if I wasn't a careless driver and got pulled over he never would have gotten in trouble.
He is really a kind person with a good heart. I have seen him do things for people many times, friends and strangers, just because he is so nice.
I guess I don't even know what my question is. Do you think he's going to be furious when he gets out tomorrow? I mean I don't know if he'll even want to look at my face.
His friends and my friend are not that stressed about it but I feel like throwing up when I think about the fact that he has to spend the night in jail because of me.
On top of that I am still staying at his house with all his friends and I don't know what to do because I have no money and no place to go. They don't mind having me because I cleaned their whole house from top to bottom when it was absolutely disgusting and I give them rides everywhere.
What do you think of this situation and do you think he hates me?

VictorM's advice:

Well, you had nothing to do with his warrant, so sooner or later, they were going to catch him. I doubt very much that he'll blame you.

Now, ellie, I got something else to tell you. I really don't think I'll be answering your questions anymore, for one of two possible reasons:

1. There is a possibility that you're making all these questions up and are indeed, just yanking my chain. I find it hard to believe someone can get in as much trouble as you so often. And considering that your question comes from about the same neighborhood I live in, I wonder if you're a friend/acquaintance who has been playing a practical joke on me.

Or...

2. Your questions are indeed legit, which means to me that you need more help than I can provide. If you are legit and venting helps you, I suggest you use the forum.

While your questions are entertaining, I'm starting to get more questions daily than I can handle, and I would prefer to spend my time on questions that I think are either legit or at least where my words can have some positive impact. It's nothing personal; just trying to manage my time where it can be most helpful.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: Rachel
Age: 32
Location: California
Question: Ok so here's the deal, there's a guy that has been flitting in and out of my life for about 6, almost 7 years. He comes and goes at random times..one time I didn't hear from him for almost a year! When we first started talking he told me he only wanted to have "fun", I told him I didn't want just that. SO...I wouldn't give in to him and he won't give in to me. So all these years go by with him texting me maybe once or a few times a month trying to get me over. I contiued to tell him no until about 6 months ago. I finally gave in and decided to have sex with him. Problem is, when he went to actually "do the deed" he couldn't keep it up. We chalked it up to nerves, we've been wanting this a long time, and left it at that. I didn't hear from him for 4 months after then he shows up again...he came over for almost a week straight and EVERY time, couldn't do it! He keeps it up as long as it's a bj, but as soon as it comes to the actual sex he goes limp! Is it ME? Am I doing something? Is he just not that into me? If thats the case, why continue to call, why continue to want to see me? Secondly I get that a guy likes a challenge, but really? 6 years? Who hangs around that long not getting what they want? Everyone who knows us asks why we aren't together, they says he likes me and everyone knows I like him...WTF??? Just wanted to get a guys perspective on all this! Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Unless you have a piranha living down there, it's not you. And it has nothing to do with him not finding you attractive. Erectile dysfunction can be mental and/or physical but it is strictly a guy thing. Pure and simple. He needs to see a sex therapist and you need to see a shrink if you keep getting tangled up with this guy.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: Michelle
Age: 26
Location: East Coast
Question: My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. About 6 months ago he decided to get a second job to try and payoff his credit card debt. Also over the last 6 months he has become increasing mean towards me. He's angry all the time, he cusses at me, throws things at me, and threatens to do more. He is also obsessed with the idea that I'm having an affair even though I'm not. He always knows where I am and I always take his calls. He on the other hand is always going places with no real explanation for where he is. He goes shopping for hours but doesn't buy anything. His sports that would have him gone for 2 hours now have him gone 4 to 5. He doesn't answer my calls. He's always broke despite working two jobs. I also found a used condom by our bed. I asked him about this and he said he used it to do a self exam of his prostate. I don't like to question him because frankly he scares me a bit and anytime I do he turns it around to say I'm the cheater. He never wants to cuddle, have sex, or spend time with me. I've suggested we do therapy but he won't commit. I don't know what to do.

VictorM's advice:

Accusing you of cheating is most likely projection; he's doing it himself and thinks you're like him. This is a very common type of behavior.

Get a divorce before you get physically hurt.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: Nicole
Age: 21
Location: Missouri
Question: Ok so my boyfriend tells me he likes me.. But for the past 3 weeks we've been around each other every single day.. the day i go to my house (we live in the same town) he calls and tells me he just wants his space for a few days and i say ok.. here and there he will randomly text me and stuff and he tells me he'll text me tomorrow... but i'm scared he won't but the day before i ask if this is just his way of sayin were done he says no so i ask if were still talkin and he says yes....

Am i just stressin?

VictorM's advice:

He already broke up with you. He just doesn't have the balls to tell you, and you don't understand guy-speak to have gotten the message.

You may linger on as a couple because of his cowardice and your denial, but you're done.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: Mimi
Age: 17
Location: Houston
Question: I love my Boyfriend! I want to spend more time together and talk to him more...but he's obsessed with video games. And I don't want to be pushy but when he calls he won't pay attention to me that much and i ask what he's doing and he would be playing video games...How should I act? Or what should i say to let him know that I would love it if he payed attention to me more. I know i can't change him and I guess he's a guy. But still it gets me and I want to chill-out about it. lol

VictorM's advice:

Tell him what you told me. Tell him that you realize video games are fun for him, but when you're with him or talking to him you feel disrespected/hurt/ignored when he shares you with the video game.

If this doesn't work, you may have to get tough before things get better. This is what you do: If you're talking to him and it sounds like he's playing, just say, "Oh, I see you're playing. I don't want to bother you. I'll talk to you later." And hang up. Don't get mad, don't yell, don't give him a cold shoulder. Do this also if he starts playing a game in front of you. Just tell him you're going to let him play the game and walk away. Again, without anger. The point is to: a) let him know you refuse to be shared; and b) to play on his sense of guilt (which he won't feel if you yell or get mad at him).

Oh, and if he does drop the video game for you, reward him... with a kiss, his favorite meal, a blow job... whatever you know he likes. Positive reinforcement is a powerful thing.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: kate
Age: 20
Location: flordia
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we are totally in love and plan to get married! We waited 3 months to have sex after we got together and when we started doing it it's always been great for both of us! But here lately he can't keep his erection while were having sex. he says it's not me and that he doesn't know what's wrong! Why do you think this is happening?

VictorM's advice:

Could be a lot of things, some mental, some physical. The best bet would be to check with a doctor. It's a shame if he does nothing about it because cases like this, particularly at his age, can be solved.

By the way, this problem is much more common than people believe, it's just that guys don't like to talk about it.

Meanwhile... does he do drugs? Has he started drinking more often? Is he stressed (maybe because of work, for example)? Has the sex become routine, meaning, same place, same time, same position kinda thing? These, and so many other things can cause the problem. Have him see a doctor.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: Rebecca
Age: 23
Location: RSA
Question: Hi Victor, happy new year!
I met a guy at a party late last year, we hit it off and spent a lot of time talking, although I didn't hang out with him the whole night. He asked if he could see me again, took my number, called the next day, and we went on two dates in the next couple of weeks. They seemed to go well, we have a lot of common interests, but he didn't try to kiss me, but I suppose there wasn't really a good opportunity. Unfortunately we did not get a chance to go out again before he went home for the holidays, but he apologised profusely and said he'd make it up to me when he gets back.
While this guy has shown interest in me and made a lot of effort (making sure we got in at a good restaurant, just paying the bill without my even knowing), he does not often contact me of his own accord. He always seems keen to chat and continue the conversation if I initiate the contact, he apologises if he didn't reply right away, but he doesn't really initiate. I don't really know what to do about this because most guy advice says we should wait for the guy to make the contact, or we will seem too keen, but if I do wait, I wonder when I'll ever hear from him again! I don't want to chase him, but I'm wondering if he is shy or not sure that I'm interested or something? He gets back from holiday on Monday, should I text him or something if I don't hear from him?

VictorM's advice:

If you wait and you never hear from him it's because he lost interest in you. Contacting him will, if anything, most likely speed his losing interest.

Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca... how many times will I have to tell you this? Wait for the guy to chase!

PS. Happy New Year to you.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: Alisha
Age: 17
Location: Rhode Island
Question: So i meet this guy about 3 months ago. I went on two sorta dates they were mostly in his car. My parents are religiously strict (no dating unless within that religion) and i had to sneak out in order to see him. a few weeks after i got caught by my parents sneaking out. So i lost contact with him for a few weeks. I ended up sending him a email and he didn't respond till 3 weeks later (he said he hasn't checked his email in a whilel). He responded by saying he'd like to see me again if i hadn't already found someone. I emailed back and told him i hadn't. Anyway we've been emailing and texting each other since then casually, just asking how's your day going and stuff. He's sweet and gentleman, he calls me dear and sunshine (which i like way better than baby witch is what guys normally call me and they think i like it?!) so i've asked him if he'd like to see me again and i said i'd skip a day of school to do so. He said no, i was a lil disappointed in his answer so i asked if he didn't want to see me again and he was like i didn't say that. I'm 17 almost 18 i ended up telling my parents about him and they said he probably wants to wait till ur 18. although they still won't let me see him. so tell me does he sound worth the effort, does he like me? does he want to see me again?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know if he's worth the effort, but I suspect he's wondering if you're worth the effort, considering how strict your parents are. I can understand him not wanting to get involved in you skipping class for him. Have you discussed another possibility for seeing each other, one that doesn't involve getting into a lot of trouble?

By the way, boys can't read your mind. If you don't like to be called "babe," so say.

Submitted on Thursday, January 07, 2010
By: Megan
Age: 19
Location: San Francisco
Question: So I had been good friends with this boy for about 2 months, then we started dating all of a sudden after admitting we had feelings for each other. He seemed to really, really like me, and we had lots of fun. Then, the day after I went home for Christmas break (we go to the same university, but our homes are an hour away)..he breaks up with me over the phone, saying he wants to be alone for a while, but "still likes me". We have a lot of fun together, he's attracted to me, he has no problems in his life, and we NEVER fight. He has tried to talk to me to be "friends"..but can't I ask for some time alone since HE broke up with ME? & Why do you think he did this?

VictorM's advice:

He did like you in the beginning but the novelty wore off and he's not into you anymore. Guys can, and very often do, go from one extreme to the other in a relatively short period of time.

He will try to talk to you and stay friends mainly because he wants to make you feel a little better and he doesn't want to end it in a sour note. But he's over you.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: Jen
Age: 25
Location: CA
Question: Hi. I would really appreciate your help especially from the guys....

So I'm hanging with this guy and he tells me he has liked me for a long time but I always had a BF and I tell him I always had a thing for him too. We wind up kissing and it seems that he likes me by texting and calling me. Anyhow, he tells me that he has plans to chill with his guy friend the next day. If he really liked me wouldn't he want to see me?

If you tell a guy you just want to be friends (Even though I didn't want this) how do guys take this?

And One more thing... Is once a player always a player always true??? Or can the right person come along?

Thanks so much for your help!

VictorM's advice:

Are you saying that if a guy really liked you he should stop liking all other activities? That's nonsense.

Telling a guy you just want to be friends is rejection, pure and simple.

"Player" is a word women use to discredit guys who didn't settle on them. I have a different take. Most guys like girls. Guys also don't fall in love as quickly as girls do (an initial rush of interest is usually a result of lust) so they tend to move from one girl to another more freely. The real question is whether guys respect their partners or not, no matter how many they've had. So, a guy who has dated a lot will eventually stop dating once he finds a girl to get serious about; a guy who disrespects women is unlikely to change. Your job is to be able to tell the difference between both types.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: beth
Age: 18
Location: kentucky
Question: Okay I was talking to this kid a little bit, but he basically only talked to me when he was drunk. His friends told me he was shy with girls and he doesn't talk to them but still. Then on New Years he was my kiss and then we ended up hooking up and stuff but it's a been almost a week and I haven't heard from him since. Should I text him ?

VictorM's advice:

Sure. Why not? At this point you got nothing to lose. But just be aware, shy or not, guys generally don't have the highest regard for girls who hook up so easily. I know, double standard, but still... a standard.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: Brandi
Age: 29
Location: PA
Question: I've been married to my husband for a few months now. We have been together for approx 3 years. Is it normal for my husband to be looking up porn online? Is he substituting something missing in our relationship?

VictorM's advice:

Consider this: paid porn (I'm not even including illegally obtained or free porn) is a bigger market in the United States than all the sports leagues COMBINED! I'd say your husband's interest in it is normal, common, and not a substitute for anything. Guys in general like porn as an additional spice in their sex life, not as a substitute to anything. Often it's just a phase. Just the appeal of something new, something naughty. That sorta thing. To stable guys, porn is purely a fantasy and it stays that way.

Some guys would be thrilled if their wives watched it along with them; some consider it a purely personal experience; and yet others would be turned off if their wives showed any interest in it. I'm saying this just in case you are wondering where porn might fit in your sex life style.

If you decide to talk to him about it and voice your displeasure, you may want to express your personal views on the subject without accusing him of being a creep -- watching porn doesn't make him one.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: abi
Age: 30
Location: australia
Question: Hey Victor,

Wow, I can't believe I'm even on this website, it surely indicates my pathetic position!!!!
Ok, I met this guy a couple of months ago. I'm a singer in a band and he was the fill in drummer. To be honest, he initially came across at a perfect 50/50 balance of...being lovely, sweet, soft hearted, considerate and generous and.....to the opposite degree...arrogant, pig headed, rude, abrasive and sleazy.

Somehow...I saw past the latter and realized, (especially after him telling me.) that he had been pretty hurt from a past relationship, (two years ago) and that he was just trying to protect his heart by putting up all the walls etc.

Soooo, I ended up getting drunk on New Years Eve, falling down a hole and spraining my ankle!!! We had just finished a gig and my guitar player had just told me, "He only wants to sleep with you." I was pretty mad so told him he was a jerk and stormed off and proceeded to sprain my ankle falling down a hole drunk.

Of course, when some girls came over to see if I was ok i asked them to go get him! (yes, I am such a loser!!!!) But...he came and picked me up off the ground, took me back to my room, made sure I was ok and then said he was going. In my weak, pathetic and half drunk state I asked him to stay so he did. I didn't sleep with him, nowhere near...however, we kissed and we're intimate. It was nice and felt...really connected. The next day I was really embarrassed though and felt pretty ashamed coz I"m not the kind of girl to behave like that really.

Anyway, he told me it had been really nice and that he had felt almost a spiritual connection, whatever that means.

Ok, this is long but...we got back home from the 8 hour band trip and he texted me the next day and i texted back, ended up going over to his place, he took me to dinner, it was really nice, stayed with him that night, nothing happened really. I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him quickly and he said that was ok, but I really know it wasn't.

Now here is the crunch...that next morning, I told him I was going to London in a couple of months. I got accepted into a music school over there. He responded initially really well and was really encouraging but then within that hour he seemed to just shut me out big time. Then, to top it off, he got a phone call about losing some work and he got pretty angry.

I wasn't sure how to help. I could imagine how it would have felt but I responded to his anger and got angry back. Ended up leaving all angry and then went home and felt like crap. I texted him the next morning and he didn't reply so true to typical female form...I called him that evening. It was ok, I apologised and told him I had enjoyed the last couple of days with him. He was pretty closed off but said he did too or something like that. Anyway, he just said, talk soon, which I'm pretty sure meant, have a great life.

I guess I'm just really cut because, I haven't felt anything for a guy for about 18 months after breaking up from a relationship I thought was going to be the one. I know I'm going to London and I'm probably being really selfish even thinking about starting something but...it started before I knew about London and know my heart is in it and I can't shut it off. He seems to have shut me off just fine and is traveling great guns. Uggghhh, this sux. Well, I guess there's nothing I can do except you'll say, "Whatever you do, don't call him!!!" After all, maybe he did just want to sleep with me and maybe he's just not that into me!!!!!

VictorM's advice:

You know what's even more pathetic? You didn't ask any questions. But that's OK, venting is good.

You should take the time to write a love song, about how you got drunk and hurt your ankle and all that. I don't think it has been done.

Oh, and one more thing... whatever you do, don't call him. Really, he's not interested in you. Focus in your upcoming trip. In England you'll be the sexy aussie chick driving all them Englishmen crazy. Then you can write one of those "what a sucker you were" songs.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: Laurem
Question: Hi
So I like this guy, and today his friend was like is that the girl that you like ( he was also pointing at me)? And he got all red and said f-you! Then when I said why were you guys pointing and talking about me. And he was like oh were talking about how you like him. Should I tell him I like him or wait for him to tell me?
Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Wait for him to tell you. Do NOT tell him yourself. If you do, you'll ruin everything.

They're just playing a little game to get your attention. Guys like to feel they earned you liking them. They often lose interest if you're too easy to seduce.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: Paige
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: Victor,
I am one of those girls who has trouble getting a guy to ask me out. There is a guy who I like, and I'm pretty sure he likes me too. We see each other almost everyday, not alone though. How do I get him to ask me out?

VictorM's advice:

Click here to see the advice I gave Lola.

Another technique is to tell the guy, when you're alone with him, that you haven't seen Avatar, would love to go, but none of your friends want to go and you hate going alone. Then wait to see if he says "I'll go with you." If he does, great! If not, chances are he's not as interested as you might think.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: Lola
Age: 16
Location: California
Question: How do I ask a guy out?

Hi, my first time reading your blog. I"m intrigued to ask my own question.
There's this guy that I think i like. He's from France and I think that's so attractive. I don't talk to him much and I haven't really been on a real date before. I want to ask him but he is an exchange student and he's going back in June. I want to spend time with him but I don't know how to ask him out. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

Asking a guy out directly is problematic because too often the guy just gets cocky, and of course, if he turns you down, dealing with rejection isn't fun for most people.

What I suggest you do is ask without ask. Here's what I mean. Let's say you found out he still hasn't seem the movie Avatar. You can say: "I'm going Saturday at 7:00. If you're free, why don't you come along?" This way, it gives you both an out in case he's not interested but doesn't want to hurt your feelings; not going just means he has other commitments. And besides, it's not like you asked him on a date, but it will turn into one if he says "oui."

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: ashley
Age: 24
Location: Oklahoma
Question: Hello! First time writer/reader here. So i've been dating this guy for about a month. not very long at all. he has been divorced from his ex wife (of 8 years together for 12) about a year now. she is re married and has a child with her new husband. my boyfriend and her have no kids together. they are still friends and communicate via myspace and facebook and occasionally through phone. needless to say, i'm not quite pleased about it, but they were still friends before he ever met me, so there's not much i can say/do about it. anyways, a couple weeks ago he found out that his ex mother-in-law had cancer and wasn't doing too well. him and his mom and dad all took a trip to wyoming to go visit his ex wife and mother-in-law. i got pretty jealous about it but dealt with it. bless her soul, his ex mother-in-law passed away so now he is going back for the funeral. which kind of bothers me. am i a horrible person for feeling this way? i don't think it would bother me as much if he didn't stay in contact with his ex the way he does. the way i look at it is, you are divorced and have no children, why stay in contact?? should i accept the fact that him and his ex still communicate? or am i trying to be with someone who is holding onto their past?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he knew the ex mother in law for a long time. A visit with her when she was ill and attending the funeral sound totally legit. If anything, it's a good sign because it shows a sense of loyalty. He divorced his wife but that doesn't mean he liked her mother any less.

You're new to this site so you have not seen my stance on keeping contact with exes. I say that "exes are evil" and the best anyone can do is cut contact with exes. That doesn't mean be cold or uncivil, but contact with exes will, far too often, cause the exact situation you're in now. He would be wise to cease contact with her, if nothing else, to show that you are the most important person in his life now.

But that doesn't mean that he's keeping contact with her for any suspicious reason. He's shown himself to be loyal, and while she's no longer his wife, she's meaningful in his life. Since you have only been dating a month, I suggest that you give him more time. Not everyone can cut out people from their life cold turkey. As your relationship strengthens, his contacts with her should decrease. Further, I suggest that you don't mention anything to him about your wishes -- unless he asks, then tell him you don't like it -- because seeing a natural progression, without your interference, will be your best barometer of how their "friendship" is going.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: Julie
Age: 20
Location: Tx
Question: Hi victor I really need some advice. ok so I'm with the father of my daughter and we've been together for a year and a half and things have gotten worse. We argue everyday. He comes home, eats, and sleeps, and he likes things done his way. When we argue he tells me the reason he's with me is because of the baby but when I try to leave he holds me back. I've had a child from a previous relationship and he's already a toddler but my past keeps bothering him and he gets upset with me and throws things in my face . He has tried cheating on me but he gets caught shortly after I don't know if I should leave him or not.

VictorM's advice:

When you say he "holds me back," what do you mean? Does he tie you down with a rope or chains? Locks you in a close? What? Because it seems to me that if you really wanted to leave and not just cause drama, he couldn't stop you.

I don't know enough about your condition to say whether you should leave or not, but I know enough to say that you're not going to resolve anything with empty threats.

Submitted on Wednesday, January 06, 2010
By: Mia
Age: 24
Location: US
Question: I stood my ex up about 3 months ago....he was going to the place either way and my friend decided not to go in the last minute...he called and txted me while he was there...when i talked to him on the phone i gave him a good excuse and he didn't seem mad at all...yet i havent heard from him at all anymore...when before he was constantly txting/emailing me...

it it just his ego hurt? or was he hoping for something and when realized i wasnt gonna be running after him he decided to drop it?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he knew, or later realized, that you were lying. Wisely, he just decided to move on. Liars don't make good partners.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: Rachael
Age: 22
Location: MA
Question: Hey Victor,

There's this guy who is in the same (large) group of friends that I am in. We've been to plenty of the same parties and stuff, but never really talked .. it was always just a friendly hello. This past summer, we talked a little more and he wanted to hang out, but we never did (because he didn't mention it again after the first time & I am too shy to initiate things). About a week ago, we kissed (drunk), and he told me that he didn't hang out with me the first time around because one of our friends liked me. He's texted me every day since last week, and I went to his house to hang out with him and a couple of people. When I got there, he had been drinking and kissed me as soon as he saw me.

What I would like to know is whether he actually has interest in me? Or is he just so lonely I'm the only one who's giving him attention? It sounds so silly, but I'm concerned because 1. I really don't want to get hurt (if I let myself fall for him) and 2. Since we hang out with the same people, we see each other pretty often, and I just don't want to have things be awkward (if I start liking him a lot and he just drops me .. or something haha) and then I see him out. Because I hate awkward situations, and even though it's such a small and silly thing, I am happy right now NOT having to worry about whether someone I've hit a rough patch with will be at the same party as me or I don't have to be like "Oh no, he's right over there.."

VictorM's advice:

I have no idea if he's lonely, but let's face it, his track record of pursuing you isn't very good. So far, the only time he's actually done something a bit significant was when he had been drinking, and even then, kissing you has a more sexual connotation than anything else. He may grow to show more interest over time, but you'd be wise to tamper your expectations.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: kira
Age: 18
Location: Canada
Question: so i met this guy a year ago and it was obvious he was really into me from the moment we started talking. he asked me to be his girlfriend a month after. we broke up 3 weeks after because things weren't working out. i recently started talking to him again and he initiated that we hang out. he asked me out to dinner on a saturday night. everything went really well and he mentioned us hanging out again, and we did. we have been casually seeing eachother for about a month. we have also started sleeping together. he is really sweet and affectionate towards and calls me names like "babe" and "hun" etc. and it is obvious that we both like eachother. i have met his friends as well. he recently went on a trip to visit family for the holiday across the country. before he left we had barely talked; i hadn't talked to him for 4 days before he left on his trip, however, we had said goodbye and we mentioned that we'd see each other again when he comes back. his trip was only for a week. he has been back for two days now and hasn't contacted me. what does this mean? should i contact him? does he still want to see me? i really like him (and i thought/think he really likes me) and this is driving me crazy please help!

VictorM's advice:

Why should he have called you when he returned? It's not like you're his girlfriend.

I'm sure he'll call you when he wants to go out on a date or have sex with you. Until then, he owes you nothing.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: T....A...
Age: 15
Location: A....
Question: Is it not normal to have not been in a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) by your freshmen year of high school?

VictorM's advice:

It's totally normal and very common.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: sarah
Age: 17
Location: usa
Question: hi, i just read your advice in response to my question about the guy i met from work and the age difference and the (almost) anal sex. Is it too late to say no to these 'girlfriend-like activities'? I had good intentions to talk about what i wanted from him but i only told him i expected him to stay in my life and not disappear or find something to be angry about and he agreed and accepted, and he has kept up the contact so far but i DO want something more and i DONT want to be easy. Can i fix it?

VictorM's advice:

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to replace "I should have..." with "Next time I will..." So, don't beat yourself up over the past. Next time, just do what you think is right.

All you can do is what you think is the right thing to do; you cannot control the consequences of your actions by others. But you can't be happy with him unless and until you're happy with yourself. If you take this step, you'll be half way to happy. The other half is beyond your control.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: Angel
Age: 28
Location: Florida
Question: I am newly married(less than a year) to a man who was just fired due to his challenge of authority. He is a kind, agreeable person and is now job searching but only things he thinks that he would enjoy doing. He cannot emotionally support me because he pulls the man card on understanding emotions, the sex is few and far between and not satisfying for me, and I am paying the bills right now. This isn't what I dreamed marriage would be. I am supportive in every way possible. He isn't a lazy man, just dealing with issues I guess. Should I leave him? I'm almost burnt out.

VictorM's advice:

Losing his job is the single most traumatic thing that can happen to a guy, not involving death, but actually, pretty close. He's suffering from some level of depression and anxiety. This is your opportunity to show you are a good wife and a good person.

If you see your role as a helper, a friend, a source of support, instead of nurturing an unrealistic dream of what marriage is all about, you won't be so burned out; you may even feel rejuvenated. Marriage is not a dream. Wake the hell up and do some work to make your marriage work and to help your mate.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: Amy
Age: 35
Location: san diego
Question: Hi-I have dated this guy for 10 months. We have known each other since high school. We have had our ups and downs. He said "i love you" first. We had an argument and it has been almost 3 weeks. I tried to talk to him for the first 2 weeks but no answer. Why can't he just say "i don't want to see you"? Why play the silent game?

VictorM's advice:

Why not play the silent game? He's mad at you and playing the silent game pisses you off. Mission accomplished.

You know, this expectation that guys should behave exactly as you'd like them to is quite naive. People behave as they are. It's up to you to draw conclusions about their personalities.

So, would you still want to be with a guy who treats you this way every time you don't see eye to eye?

Instead of asking why he can't be different, why don't you spend your energies looking for someone who is a better match?

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: Sarah
Age: 36
Location: Dallas
Question: This is a curiosity question: I dated a guy about 3x a month for 3 months. He was out of town once a month. It never seemed to go anywhere and all my friends said, "He's just not that into you." He rarely called, he hardly ever emailed me, we would just date. We had sex the last three dates. I just didn't see it ever going anywhere, so I broke it off. I called and left him a message that it wasn't going to work out. Normally I would have told him in person, but I'd called the day before to see if we were doing anything that weekend and it had been about 20 hours and he hadn't called me back. I left a very kind message, that said It just wasn't working out for me and I needed to move on. I wished him good luck and told him he was an amazing guy. Not true but there's no reason when you feel terrible to make someone else feel bad too.

He is a very wealthy, very driven corporate guy about 10 years older. He was cold and just not that into it; I of course adored him at the time.

So here's my question: He doesn't know this but I see him sometimes on my blog. When we first broke things off he was on a few times a week. It's been 9 months and he's on there typically about once a month. He always just looks at the most recent page.

However, in late Nov. I started dating a wonderful man about his age and started posting pictures of us on trips, at balls, etc. Ever since that started he's been on there six times in December. I guess what I'm wondering is this: if he isn't into me (which he practically told me when we were dating), why would he bother to look at my blog nine months later? And if he IS into me wouldn't it bother him to see me with someone else? I've never heard a peep from him since I called things off.

But he's hit my blog from NY, West Texas, and his home here (and yes, I'm sure it's him, I know his PC signature)...is he just curious about my life? I have to say I still wouldn't be comfortable seeing him with someone else...Weird.

VictorM's advice:

Checking your blog isn't much of a bother; it takes but a few seconds. So it's not like he's putting any effort into this.

Why does he do it? I don't know, but with guys, when in doubt, focus on the ego.

It's clear that he's not into you -- don't even contemplate another possibility -- but his ego probably yearns for you to feel you made a mistake, to miss him, to feel bad you broke up with him. He keeps checking your blog to see what's going on, probably hoping that you're not very happy. Then he can get over having been dumped. And yes, even a guy who isn't into you can get his ego bruised being dumped.

So, bottom line, he's checking his blog to pacify his ego.

But that's just a guess.

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: Claire
Age: 45
Location: NY
Question: Hello Victor-
I have an unusual situation. I have been married for 17yrs have children. About 5 years ago I ran into the man I sort of dated before my husband. Prior to meeting my husband we spent a lot of time together as we worked together and socialized with the same group of people. At the time He had a girlfriend and I had just gotten out of a relationship. There was an attraction between us but dating seemed intense as we already spent so much time together and the breakup with his girlfriend was not smooth. I met my husband and wound up marrying him.

During these past 5 or so years we have had a few dinners with our work friends and exchanged a handful of emails every year until last January, when he made a huge confession to me that he has never forgotten me and thinks of me. I tried to find the source of this, and realized he is under extreme pressure at his wall street position. I tried to be a friend and we have exchanged emails and phone calls and had drinks one time. I was shocked after our meeting to realize how much I still felt for him. There has been no physical activity but by the summer we had become very attached to each other. We did not communicate every day but I generally knew what was going on and where he was traveling in the world. After the whole tiger woods incident we both were nervous and agreed to not communicate for a while.

My problem is that I miss him terribly and do not want to have to get over him again. It seems best for this just to end. Should I tell him this now before too much time has passed or wait until he possibly contacts me again. I know he loves his family and it is for the best of everyone, except my heart that we part.

Thank you

VictorM's advice:

You will continue to miss him until you knock some sense into yourself and start spending your energies on something much more constructive. The sooner you get it over with, and the sooner you find a worthwhile hobby -- or better yet, focus on your marriage and strive to make it better -- the sooner you will feel proud of yourself.

Do it. Now!

Submitted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010
By: S.
Age: 29
Location: USA
Question: Hi Victor,

I had written you before asking for advice in the beginning of December (Few Days Later, Positive Pregnancy Test) about a relationship between the father of my child and myself. I asked you if he had feelings for me, and you said he clearly did not.

In the last couple of weeks, he approached me about trying to have a relationship with me again. He said that he was feeling pressured the first time, not by me, but by all of the emotion that comes with having a new baby, etc.

I had told you in my previous post that he was seeking me out, trying to find ways to spend time with me. This only increased as the holiday's approached, and I obliged on some occasions as it pertained to the baby. He told me that once I stopped coming around he realized that he missed me, that he liked spending time with me. That we could laugh and joke, talk about things, have fun together and he liked that. He says this is why he wants to pursue a relationship; that we owe it to ourselves and our daughter to try.

Now he was always an extremely sexual man. When we initially hung out (before we knew I was pregnant) he was very affectionate, wanted a lot of physical contact and of course alot of sex. He continued this with various women throughout my pregnany. He was still dating until very recently before he decided to try things with me.

Now that we are together, he is not physical or sexual with me. We have had sex, but it is minimal. He says that he is not a very sexual person anymore; this change would have to be very new! He says he doesn't want to be all touchy-feely and that he doesn't want to jump into anything.

He asks to see us almost everyday, and at least once a week he initiates seeing me without the baby (my mom watches her for us). THe time we spend together is good. We laugh and joke, we take turns cooking for each other, we go out to dinner with the baby, lay around and watch TV together, basically just good time with eachother. I now make jokes about the "no contact rule" as my own way to ease my unhappiness about it.

So now to the actual question, lol! Should I take the fact that he doesn't want much physical contact with me to mean he is not interested in me like that, but he is trying for our daughter? You had said before that he obviously likes being around me, but that was it. Should I be concerned that he all of a sudden isn't the physical guy he was? Don't get me wrong, I am happy that our emotional connection is so strong that we are capapble of being together and NOT having sex, but I am nervous based on his/our past that he is trying to force this relationship. I dont want to have sex all the time, but some sort of intimacy to reassure me about the relationship would be nice. Do you really think he is trying to take things slowly? Do guys really do that?

I should also add that he and I are the same age, and he is stressing a little bit about his finances (this is a recent thing). He also made a comment about not being "ready for a relationship" after we were supposed to be together; he said he was referring to marriage. He also made a comment about not meeting your wife in a bar (he is divorced BTW), which is obviously where we met. He was like "Oh yeah, we did meet in a bar didn't we". He has also been making little comments here and there that seem to imply our situation has not changed.

Am I "What If-ing" this to death or should I be concerned that his heart is not in this?

Your advice is appreciated :). Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Sure, there are cases when men can't have sex with the mother of their children anymore for psychological reasons. We can't rule that out in this case. It would take a professional to ascertain that possibility. But given the history between you two, I'm more inclined to believe that the lack of sex with you totally and solely reflects a lack of romantic interest. I don't buy that a sexual man who cheated on you with several women while you were pregnant is all of a sudden asexual. I don't buy that for a minute. I also don't think he's seeing you just for the baby. Sounds like he enjoys your company and has fun with you, just not in a romantic way.

It's good that he sticks around to see the baby and that you two can get along. But the odds that you two will ever have a "normal" relationship where his heart is into it? Very slim. It could happen, I just don't think you can bank on it.

Submitted on Monday, January 04, 2010
By: Abbie
Age: 14
Location: South of Nowhere
Question: Hi Vic! I've never used this site before, but my friend says it's great. So I'm going to give it a try. :)

anyways, this is going to be short and sweet (a break from the books you have submitted haha).
Is it possible to fall in love when you're a freshman in high school and with boy who is extremely mature (yeah I know, sounds too good to be true...but it is) and doesn't pressure for sex or anything?

Please answer! My friends say it's for real. My family says he only wants to get in my pants. Please help!
Thanks in advance!
~Abbie :)

VictorM's advice:

Well, your friend has very good taste. :)

I think your friend could be right and your love be for real. No doubt in my mind that that could be the case. But I also think your family could be right in this sense: no matter how serious and mature he is about you, and no matter how much he doesn't pressure you, still, he'll want to get in your pants at some point. No doubt in my mind about that either. I just think that saying that's all he wants sounds a bit too negative.

Submitted on Monday, January 04, 2010
By: Liliya
Age: 17
Location: ventura
Question: so i've known this one guy since summer and he is REALLY gorgeous. we talk a lot and all that. we went ice skating with a huge group of friends the other evening. he hadn't seen me in a while and when he saw me ice skating alone, he skated up and started talking to me and asking me questions and acting like he cared about the fact of how i've been. he asked me about work, school, etc. he flirted with me WAY TOO MUCH. more then with a usual girl i think. and hes a tease. he teased me SO MUCH! i was supposed to get a ride home from another guy named timothy but the guy i like (the teaser) insisted on taking me home. he opened the door of his car for me, and we drove off. he insisted on driving me. he asked me about my ex bf and if he was still bothering me and the he'd kick his ass if hed try to start something. we talked about a lot of things and eventually he told me straight up that he "loves teasing me"...and he added "especially tonight" when we got to my house, he asked me if he could walk me to my door. when we got to the door, we didn't hug or anything. we just went in. i'm into him. i've been into him. but now my question: DOES HE LIKE ME if he's teasing SO MUCH and all that stuff that happened during the car ride home?

VictorM's advice:

He may very well like you, but that's something you need to find out over the next few days and weeks.

The talk in the car seems too sudden, too gimmicky for it to be believed. I'm not saying he's lying, it's just that guys can be easily overwhelmed by a girl based purely on how she looked that day, and then his interest can fade rather quickly.

You need to give it more time to get a better impression of his intentions.

Submitted on Sunday, January 03, 2010
By: Ninya
Age: 15
Location: georgia
Question: I'm in a relationship with an eighteen year old guy. We've been going out for two months now, but if anything, he was more into me before we started dating than after. I understand the whole concept with dudes and the chase, etc. But it's almost like we're not dating, like we're acquaintances, or casual friends. He and all his friends say he's a gooey lovey teddy bear, but he's not to me. Is that my fault? I want that from him but I'm a very contained person, as well as very shy and self conscious when I'm with him.

My tongue in cheek deal hasn't helped our relationship; he'll joke about other chicks with me, maybe to get a rise out of me, talking about how they had a nice ass and how hot they are. I brought it up to him how much i pissed me off and he was just like OK. OK???

It's gotten to the point where in order for me to feel like I mean more to him than a make out buddy is to tell him about the guys chasing after me, make him realize, "Hey I may not date much but I have other guys doing anything for my attention. Maybe you should be worried?
Problem is, the same thing goes for him; he could have any chick almost. So I'm dealing with insecurities about myself, his feeling toward me, and the constant worry he's losing interest; I refuse to give him what some other chicks have.

There's a lot more to this story, but let's just cover this for now

VictorM's advice:

I think you're being wise not to play the jealousy game. That seldom, if ever, works to your advantage.

I don't know what you mean when you say you're "contained." I'm assuming you mean you're not as cuddly as some others. And if he's the hugging type, I can see where he's losing some interest. Boys around his age sure like to be touchy-feely. But more often then not, they are so with the intentions of getting some making out time. Sounds to me like you're contained because deep down inside you know his intentions aren't just affection -- he's after more than that.

Well, the whole idea of dating is to see if two people are a good fit. There's not point in forcing it. If you're not getting what you're after with this guy, maybe it's time to look for another.

Submitted on Sunday, January 03, 2010
By: Sasha
Age: 22
Location: North Carolina
Question: Hi:
How are you doing? I hope everything is great!
I don't know if u remember me but I wrote u several weeks ago about a friend´s behavior and if he liked me, also as to why I don't get asked out that much. Well now I have 2 questions one is there is this guy that I work with, he´s really sweet and good looking and just overall a really good guy. I know for a fact he likes me, I can tell and he told another coworker. My problem is that he is 27 years old. I would be lying if I didn't say the age thing bothers me a bit. Hes a lot more mature, and much more of a relationship guy. So my 1st question is if the age difference is too much? Should I give it a chance?

My 2nd question is more about what a guy is thinking. For many years my best friend was a guy that was basically in love with me! We had known each other since we were 5 years old. he would call me and stay on the phone with me until the sun came up and always hang out. When we were 18 I decided that maybe I would give him a chance, I did however did tell him that I was not willing to have sex with him. After I told him that everything changed. We stopped hanging out, he stopped calling me etc... We lost touch after that except for the occasional happy birthday and merry Christmas. Last week he calls me. Tells me he wants to come visit me, if I would go to Orlando with him, and talked to me for hours. He then leaves a message on my Facebook saying Happy new year etc, and ended the message with you know how much I love you, never forget it! I mean what the hell is his problem and what the hell is going through his head?!!!
Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

First question... the average age difference between couples in the US is 3.5 years, which means the most common are anywhere between one and 7. That means the age difference between you two is probably as common as any. Besides, guys generally mature slower than girls, so chances are you're more mature than he is. You should totally discard the age difference as being a problem.

Second question.. he still hasn't given up on the idea of having sex with you. That's all the "I love you" is all about.

Submitted on Saturday, January 02, 2010
By: Madison
Age: 18
Location: by a big black horse and a cherry tree
Question: Cat and Mouse: this is a long story.. I chopped it up into pieces to prevent typing an actual book...

A little about Joe: Joe is very smart, but he has very intense emotions, his ability to feel hate, sadness, and happiness is like ten times stronger than a normal person. He can read people like no other; he can tell what you’re thinking like some kind of psychic or something, its almost scary. He can also be very manipulative and convincing He does not get along with his family and is kicked out when he is 16. He’s just naturally good at selling stolen items and talking to cops and shit like that. He really is alone in the world, he has no one who truly cares about him, except kelsie and I maybe.

1. Joe and I became friends on the bus when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th, he was dating my friend kelsie who also rode our bus, he was busy w/ her most the time but when she didn’t ride or got off, Joe would come sit by me and we would talk and we were always on the edge of flirting.

2. Joe and Kelsie were having sex and Joe snuck over to Kelsie one day, they got caught and their parents forbid them to see each other.

3. Kelsie moved away, it’s now the summer and I run into Joe at the fair, we agree to sneak out together that night and talk. Joe kisses me that night and I start seeing him in a different way

4. we hang out like this 3 more times, each time he presses to have sex more and more, I always shoot him down.

5. it’s the 5th night we hang out, we are making out and I let him finger me and all of a sudden, he just goes for it, I told him to stop I don’t wanna have sex, but he doesn’t. 2 minutes later when he is done I just get up and go home. I deny the fact that I was raped, it was just sex and Joe and I should be a couple b.c of what happened

6. Joe doesn’t call me or anything the next day, it’s a month later and all of a sudden he is trying to hook up with my bff, he tells me he just doesn’t like me like he thought.

7. school starts and he tells EVERYONE we had sex, I “hate” his guts till Christmas rolls around and he apologizes and talks me into hangin out with him again.

8. he brought me something to drink that night….I woke up in the hospital, I don’t remember what happened.

9. Joe and I don’t talk much after that, I asked if we had sex he said no, but then I heard a few people say he said otherwise.

10. Joe and I reconncect in the summer, he says he has been thinking about me a lot lately and we eventually actually end up dating

11. we hangout and just like old times he presses for sex, but I know how to handle him and myself so im not in another rape position

12. he finally tells me if we don’t have sex that I shouldn’t be surprised if something happens??? So I break up with him

13. Kelsie moves back and Joe gets back together w. her. The parents don’t like this so they run away together

14. a year later Joe is back, him and kelsie are once again over and now they legally are not allowed to see each other.

15. I have a boyfriend now, but Joe has decided to talk to me again, he tells me how good I look and we have some deep conversations about life n stuff, the next day he seen me kiss my boyfriend and he looked…hurt.

16. eventually I cheat on my boyfriend w/ Joe and of curse break up w my boyfriend to go to prom with Joe since he asked

17. a week later I hear Joe was foolin around with some chick so I fool around on him, he doesn’t like this and ditches me for prom.

18. 6 months later I run into him at a party and tell him how much of a fuck up loser he is and to just stay out of my life. He talks me out of my anger and he agrees o just be a friend, I told him that’s what I wanted and he said that he will agree to that, I deserve it. He also apologized for everything.

19. Joe doesn’t keep his word he starts sweet talking me again and eventually we hook up, he tells me he isn’t going to leave me this time and that we can make it work…this last about 2 weeks the Joe is all of a sudden mia, I don’t hear from him for awhile, next I find out that he was dating kelsie while with me and kelsie and I get into an argument about it, next I find out, Joe is in jail…

20. And this is where we are now. I know Joe is no good for me, but damn I love him. I believe a small part of him cares about me but I just make it to easy for him to take advantage of me. And not to mention, he loves kelsie…I’m second best.

21. anyways, kelsie told him she knew about us and ended it, now all of a sudden A good friend of Joes who visits him in jail is telling me Joe wants me to write him. Should I? I am very curious as to what he has to say to me, and what do I even say to him?


VictorM's advice:

*sigh* ... Anyone else care to comment? I'm speechless.

Submitted on Saturday, January 02, 2010
By: michelle
Age: 15
Location: mississippi
Question: I have had a boyfriend for about 4 months now and in the first 2 months he wanted to hangout with me everyday but lately we only hangout a couple times a week. he doesn't act any different towards me when we are together it just seems like he doesn't wanna be with me even though he says he does. i asked him about it and told him how it makes me upset and he always says he is going to change but nothing has changed yet. what do I do? he has all the control in the relationship and i don't know what to do about it.

VictorM's advice:

Well... spending too much time together is usually not a good thing. Each of you needs time to do your own things, like spend time with your family and friends, follow your own pursuits, or just be alone.

Maybe he's losing interest in you. That's a possibility. But it's also normal for the relationship to drop its intensity after a few weeks. So there's really no way to tell yet which is which.

For now, I would advise you adapt to the new schedule, to make the times you spend together really nice and fun, and see how things develop.

Submitted on Saturday, January 02, 2010
By: Linnea
Age: 19
Location: LA
Question: Hello Victor! It's me once again, if you remember me that is :).
I have once again a question concerning myself and another concerning a friend ( the same friend).

I'll tell you about me first. So, I have this friend I met when I went on a trip to visit a friend, me and him made out once and that was it. I met him a second time and nothing happened between us, meanwhile we talked on MSN and became very good (and close) friends. Then I decided to go spend new year with him, this is where the trouble begins. I'm kinda "together" with this other guy I've met, but we decided not to be bf/gf because of the distance, but we still treat each other in an "advanced" way, as if we were both together for real. Anyway, I went to his friend and he started hitting on me when we were in the pool, holding me and stuff, you know, but not in the same way as a friend would hold. After that we were in his room and there was some touching (he touched me). This could have easily turned into sex, but then I thought of this guy I like and I felt really bad and just stopped him from touching me more. I need some advice because it feels like I cheated on him, even though we aren't together we still treat each other in a special way, so I'm confused as hell. Also he told me he dissed a hot girl in this cruise he went (which I totally believe him, he's always been honest to me) because some kisses wouldn't give him anything besides bad feelings. What should I do? Tell him or just drop it and carry on? I'm feeling horrible!

And now my friend's story, I'll try to make it the shortest possible!
Well, my friend met this girl on internet, they virtually dated for 3 months and then decided to meet IRL (in real life). He told me the 2 weeks he was there were perfect, he said it was like a fairy tale. So he went home and they virtually dated for another 4 months and were planing on meeting each other soon, until she got holidays and went to visit her parents. She wasn't online that much and they didn't talk a lot, which is understandable and acceptable seeing that she was with her parents. But then one day she was about to leave to some place and she was really happy, saying she loved him and stuff, when she came back she was a completely diff person, she told him to go on skype and they talked there, she was crying and said that she couldn't take it anymore because he was way too demanding. One day later there were rumours that she was together with another guy (which happened to be true). She seemed to have carried on with her life, but how could she easily do that if she loved him so much? Also he never got over her, he had moments when he'd think he finally did it, but as soon as he sees a pic of her by accident he gets really sad and it kills me to see a good friend being sad and still loving a girl that really doesn't deserve it, so any advice you could tell me that I could tell him would be good! About how to move on and stuff like that.

Thanks in advance and happy new year! :D

VictorM's advice:

Hi Linnea. Of course I remember you. :)

Do not tell the guy anything. What happened was brief, the other guy was the one who started touching you, and you pretty much declined his advances. Even if you hesitated for a moment, it's natural that you didn't want to create a scene and took a few moments to decide the best course of action. That's not cheating, and that's nothing he needs to know about.

As for your friend, I recently posted an answer that fits your question. Click here and read just the answer (no need to read the long question). I think it gives you the answers you're looking for.

And nice to hear from you again.

Submitted on Friday, January 01, 2010
By: Pam
Age: 22
Location: Ohio
Question: I like one of my male friends. He has known since June. We have fooled around a couple times (no sex, because I've told him I don't do that unless I'm dating someone). At the beginning of the summer, all his friends thought we were dating. We discussed the situation in June or July and he said that he was clearly attracted to me, but he thought we were better off friends. I took that as either he doesn't like me in that way, he was afraid of ruining a friendship, or he was afraid we'd be going into it for the wrong reasons (two lonely people entering into a relationship because they both want one). We've made dinner together, he went to a wedding with me, etc. Last night, we had another talk. Yes, we'd been drinking. Not sure the order of the conversation, but he said the following things: he has no time for a relationship (full-time job, usually 40+ hours, plus on the board for a community service group in our city), that he isn't stupid and he realizes we do a lot of things that couples do (though we don't see each other all the time), that we have fun together and enjoy each other's company. I told him I understand he doesn't have a lot of time, because I don't either. I told him he knows where I stand on this topic, that I think it's at least worth a shot. He asks if he is being put on the spot, and I said nothing needed to be decided right then, but again that he knows how I feel on this subject. That night, we snuggle and kiss in between jokes while laying in bed. Then today, things seem slightly different. Not sure if he really is taking his time to think things over and figure out what he wants, or if that whole thing happened because we had had a couple of drinks, but it seems to me like that was a serious conversation for it to all be only because of alcohol. A part of me wants to talk to clarify what's going on, but another part of me doesn't want to push the subject and see what happens. I'm just scared that if I keep doing this silent, patient thing, another girl might slip in there and be more forceful than me. But trust me, being forceful is easy for me; it's this subdued patience thing that is foreign to me haha. Advice please?

VictorM's advice:

You can be as forceful as you want -- it won't make a difference. He's simply not into you romantically. Every thing else he said had the purpose of not hurting your feelings and keeping you receptive to the occasional date here and there.

So he works 40+ hours a week. Who doesn't?! Why should that keep him from having a relationship with you if he wanted it? That's a lame excuse.

Submitted on Friday, January 01, 2010
By: Nina
Age: 24
Question: Hi Victor,

I'm wondering whether I should stay friend with this guy. I met him about a year ago through one of his friends who had a crush on me back then. I told him I wasn't interested in his friend. He asked for my phone number shortly after saying that he wanted us to study together (coincidentally, we study in the same field). He used to text or call me all the time for no reason and we saw each other really often. He told me a couple of times that he thought I was cute, that his friends thought I was really pretty, etc. We were flirty but I didn't want it to move too fast so everything was platonic (no sex, kissing,...). He's a cute guy and I met few girls that I suspected to like him. He used to tell me that he wasn't interested in those girls. I know we never had a real conversation and didn't share the same interests but I got attached to him and he was still pursuing me. Then I was offered a job by a firm that fired him a couple years ago. He became more distant. At some point I asked him if there was anything thing going between us. He said that we were friends now but insisted that maybe later... Anyways, I took it as a no and I wanted to move on but he kept showing up where ever I was. But by then, I knew I didn't want anything with him.

Later, I found out he lied to me about one of the girls. He actually slept with her and was a real jerk to her. Lately he apologized about everything and told me he might still have some feelings for me but is in a really bad shape (he was jobless for long period of time, lost a business, lost his car and was really depressed) But it's definitely over for me. He got back with his on-again off-again ex-girlfriend and didn't want me to know about it. I feel like he doesn't want to let me go while being with his ex.

I don't think it's possible for us to be friends because of the way he's acting. The problem is that we have a lot of friends in common. Is it fair the way he's acting with his girlfriend and me? Should I stay friends with him?

I don't understand his behavior. Please let me know what you think! Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

There's nothing to be gained by staying friends with him. But that's not to say you can't stay civil and cordial if and when you run into each other. But other than that, keep a distance.

Submitted on Friday, January 01, 2010
By: Lynn
Age: 28
Location: Missouri
Question: I moved to a new area and was attracted to one of my neighbors right away. Over the past week, we've chatted a few times: he's polite, smart and adorable. He even offered to help me with a task at my new place. I casually invited him over to stop by a gathering I was having last night. To my surprise, he did!

When introducing him to a friend I called him by the wrong name. (Bad, but it is a common name and we only officially met a couple of weeks ago). He corrected me and the conversation moved on gracefully. To further recover from the mistake, I decided to leave him a note apologizing and offered to take him for a drink, my treat with my number. I saw that he retrieved the note but now, nothing...

This is the first guy I've been excited about in awhile (bad breakup 6 months ago). Am I making something out of nothing? Is he just polite and neighborly and any potential interest was fizzled when I botched his name? Do I seem desperate?

Thank you...

VictorM's advice:

I doubt very much that getting your name wrong is playing a role at all.

I would think nothing of it yet. Getting such an invitation, out of the blue, is not common. It's natural that he may want to take a few days to think it over and not rush it. You're new, he doesn't know you well enough, and guys tend to be cautions about girls who are aggressive.

I'd say wait a few more days before reaching any conclusions.

Submitted on Friday, January 01, 2010
By: Danielle
Age: 29
Location: CT
Question: So I went out with this guy (age 34) a few times. I met a few of his friends. He wasn't ready for a relationship and I didn't want to be a booty call so we just stopped talking. That was Sept. 09. Since then, he has a friend who I work with pretty much stalk me. He follows me around to try to get info on who I'm dating and just info on daily stuff I'm doing. I know the friend isn't into me... in fact, he admitted he was doing this for someone else. My question is why does this guy have his friend do this? Did he have a change of heart or should I be worried? I really like this guy and would love for it to work out but I've never had anyone do this before. If he isn't interested in me why does he have his friend follow me? And why doesn't he just call?

VictorM's advice:

You don't know for sure it's him, do you? But for the purpose of my answer, let's assume it's him.

How can you possibly even consider that something so dumb could be a sign of interest on his part? Doesn't the whole thing smack of major weirdness to you, and the obvious conclusion being that he's not as normal or stable as you'd someone you love to be?

Indeed, why have his friend follow you around and why not call you? BECAUSE HE'S WEIRD!

Tell his friend that if he keeps spying on you, you'll sneak up behind him one day and stick a No.2 sharpened pencil in his eye ball.

Or not. :)

Submitted on Friday, January 01, 2010
By: Renee
Age: 26
Location: Virginia
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off since we were teenagers. In the past he broke up with me for other women. For the past few years he has tried to come back claiming to love me but I kept saying no, but still having sex with him. He kept pushing for commitment so I gave in about a month ago. Ever since, anytime we have made plans to hangout he has blown me off. In the past month his grandma has died, and he had the flu on top of the holidays. He always seems to have a legit excuse. I'm not sure if he is just blowing me off or what the deal is.

VictorM's advice:

I read your whole submission, but I really didn't have to. The moment I saw "dating on and of" I felt confident in telling you this: you're wasting your time. This relationship will go nowhere. You'll mostly know disappoint and doubt if you stick with it.

Why do I say this? Because keeping a relationship is hard work. When people are "on and off" it means they don't have the perseverance to make things work. At least one of the parties is too lazy and/or too selfish.

So his grandma died... so what? Did he have to carry her to heaven (or hell) himself? Come on! Stop making excuses for the obvious.

Tara, please wake up and smell the coffee. He has not interest in you and you two are never getting back together. Come off that denial platform, it will hurt less than to live in a dream world.

Boyfriends and husbands have a hard time remembering birthdays, how can you expect someone who is nothing to you to remember, particularly when he goes out of his way for you not to get the wrong impression?

Sex meant nothing to him and you did it voluntarily. If anyone should be scolded for it it should be you as I'm sure you did it in the hopes that it could revive his interest in you, while he did it under no false pretense.

Snap back to reality and stop trying to trick this guy into getting back into your life -- he's having none of it.

Submitted on Friday, January 01, 2010
By: Jay
Age: 18
Location: USA
Question: So, this guy and I have been going out for over a month. The last time we were out was about three weeks ago. He said maybe we could do something again within the next day or two. Well, that didn't happen because he had errands to do for a parent and such. It was getting close to the holidays, and I know he's had a lot of things to do, but I haven't heard from him since he messaged me to say that he couldn't hang out that day. I've tried calling him a few times within the last two weeks, but every time, he doesn't answer or call back. I've contacted him through the internet, saying that it seems you're avoiding me, and he responded saying he's not at all, it's just that he's had many things to get done (he actually described what needed to be done). I told to call me when he could. That was about two weeks ago. We even have a long chain of messages we've had going since I first started talking to him (close to a year ago). He hasn't even responded to my last message. I probably went overboard by messaging him through another source, telling him how I feel about the whole thing, and basically asking what was up. I'm just completely confused.

VictorM's advice:

I just think he finds you somewhat interesting, but at this time, you are not a priority in his life. That may change, it may not. But right now, he'll get to you when he gets to you.

I'm going to set up a word count feature on the submission form to keep you in check. :) (kidding)

Guy meeting you at a party, having some drinks, flirting with you, touching you freely, etc. does NOT mean he's interested in you. All it means is he's interested in having a fun night, and you were the most fun option that night.

Guys are wired for quantity, not quality. Paying you too much attention at work, where word would get around, would rob him of the opportunity to meet other beautiful women at work.

You already showed interest in him, including telling he was cute. In essence, one of the main objectives a has, namely an ego boost, has already been accomplished. You may have more to offer, but as a coworker, at what cost (meaning, the possible entanglements of working at the same place)? I think you'll find he thinks the cost is prohibitive.

Your age difference. Come on. The odds are seriously against it.

On the other hand, what have you got to lose? Go for it, because I don't think he'll make a move.

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: angel
Age: 28
Location: ohio
Question: My boyfriend is 26 years older than me, we hardly have sex and he is looking at porn whenever he gets a chance... young teen porn, any kind... I was crushed when I became aware of this, I told him how it made me feel and that doesn't seem to matter... is this a dead end?

VictorM's advice:

Don't equate the watching of porn with the lack of sex between you two. Many guys like porn, and consequently masturbating, because it happens on their own time, they make it last as long as they want, and they don't have to deal with performance issues or the burden of pleasing a woman.

Often this situation arises because older man have less stamina. And consider this: you are not even at your sexual peak yet, and he's already pooped out. Unless the guy sucks down some Viagra with 10 Red Bulls a day, you're going to be a very sexually frustrated sexual.

In addition to that, you have the basic difference of values when it comes to porn, and that doesn't seem to phase him. Not only is the values mismatch a problem, but you're getting disrespected in the process. Not exactly a prescription for a happy relationship, is it?

Is this a dead end for you two? No, but it should be the highway for him because you're not getting respected and loved.

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: Alexis
Age: 17
Location: Bahamas
Question: My boyfriend an I have been going out for quite some time now(4months), but we've known each other for like a year. I don't feel too comfortable giving up my virginity as yet an I've talked to him about it already an many time he still ask for sex indirectly an very few times directly, I know that he has loves me and I have feelings for him, but what should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Well, you can do one of many things:

-- You can keep saying no until such time as you're ready, no matter how many times he asks.
-- You can tell him that him asking you so much makes you uncomfortable and you'd appreciate it if he stop asking, that you'll let him know when you're ready.
-- You can tell him that if he asks one more time you're dumping him.
-- Or, you can do what I'd suggest, which is to basically tell him to stop asking you, and next time he does, instead of just saying no, just get up and leave, no matter where you are. Don't even answer him, just get up and leave. Now, I'm not suggesting you break up with him or that you even get mad at him. I'm just saying that you send the message that the question is not welcomed and that he loses the privilege of your company when he does ask. So, for example, let's say you're in your room alone and you're kinda fooling around and he mentions sex. At that point, just stop making out, compose yourself, and walk to the living room. No screaming, no yelling. When he joins you, just ask him if he wants to watch a movie or go outside for a walk. It's not important that you be tough about it; you just need to be determined.

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: Helen
Age: 20
Location: Nyc
Question: Happy New Years Victor. May next year bring you all the best.

VictorM's advice:

Awww.... :) that's really sweet of you. Thanks very much and the same to you.

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: Paris
Age: 38
Location: DC
Question: Hello Victor,
I've been enjoying your site for a few months now (LOVE the post on why successful women have problems dating), so first I'd like to thank you for your site.

After 15 years, I'm back in the dating scene but am perplexed by what should be a simple question: When the guy I've dated a couple times tells me I'm cute or beautiful while hugging and kissing, I have no idea how to respond.

"You're cute" seems girly, and "you're so attractive" seems like I'm saying "you look good, but not THAT good." "You're hot" seems to imply "let's do it," and I'm not ready for that level of intimacy outside of marriage. So I've been responding with "thank you" and looking for other ways to compliment him as we snuggle.

What do you call a guy when he's good looking w/o taking away his man-card or implying you want to jump his bones?

Does it even matter (or is this a minor detail he doesn't care about)?

VictorM's advice:

"So I've been responding with "thank you" and looking for other ways to compliment him as we snuggle." You're not a novice; you're an expert. That's exactly the way to handle it. When a guy is complimenting you, he wants you to just purr and surrender.

The word you're looking for is "handsome." As in, "oh my Jim, you look so handsome in that suit."

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: mimi
Age: 28
Location: hong kong
Question: I met this guy on a dating website. I wasn't really looking to date, just wanted to chat a bit. Back then, he was in another country and wanting to migrate to mine. So, we mostly chatted about how living is like in my country and flirted only a bit. This went on for about 4 months.

Finally he came over about 2 months ago and we met. The first date was just a dinner between 2 friends. The 2nd date was my birthday and we went to a theme park. I only told him it was my bday after he came out. I think i started touching him unconsciously. Then, we started holding hands, kissing and cuddling, carrassing. That all got spiced up and he asked me "When can i have sex with you?" I told him long ago, i don't have sex with anyone except someone who falls in love with me, like a boyfriend.

Third date, i don't remember who initiated it. We ended up going to a bar. I rarely drink but i did that night coz i felt insecure and moody. and we got intimate again and i kissed his dick!!!!(basically a mini-blowjob, to be blunt) which i regret because that made me feel attached to him and i felt like it was an overly casual act. He did ask me on that night to go back to his place and even said he wanted to become my boyfriend, but i thought he said that only because he wanted to have sex with me. So, i declined. Then later he said it's ok, and he's sure i would go when i am ready.

Fourth date, i asked him out to do some christmas shopping. We had fun, but no intimate behaviours except holding hands.

Straight after that we chatted online. I asked if he's been seeing other dates, and he complained about some tiny hair on my upper lip. I was a bit angry and stopped chatting. Later, we got over it and talked again. These went on and off about 2 weeks. Then i asked if he would give me some hugs. HE said they need to be earned (after having sex) A few days ago, he persuaded me to go to his place but before i went, i reconfirmed if it was ok to leave if i wasn't comfortable. Then he got pissed off saying that there was no point of going if i have already decided not having sex. Then he went offline.

The following day, he texted to ask if i have shaved myself for the meeting. I said i thought he didn't wanna meet. Then he texted back and said "now i don't want;)"

Is he a jerk? I know from the start he is not a boyfriend material. He just wants to have fun, and doesn't really know how to take care of another person. He's kind of sweet and nice though. That's why i miss him. What should i do? Should i stop seeing him? He doesn't really like me, does he?

Thanks a lot

VictorM's advice:

Yes, he's a jerk. But that's not the sad part. The sad part is that you're a too normal woman who can't recognize when a guy is being a jerk from the very start and then starts making excuses like he's "he's kind of sweet and nice" even after his behavior. And then you still ask if you should stop seeing him? Are you fucking kidding me?

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: Jessie
Age: 17
Location: in a box
Question: Well, I'm a bit confused. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

I have been dating this guy for a while now. He's had a few girlfriends before me. I'm the one who's lasted the longest so far. Lol. 6 months on and 6 months off then got back together this February. :P He started off being an absolute jerk (not even giving me the time of day) then after I got back with him he wasn't as jerkish, but he was still acting a bit like one (ignored my calls even though I don't call him a lot, but then again, he can be very busy sometimes). It's been almost about a year now since I got back together with him, but just recently he's been acting... nicer? He's answers almost all my calls, says I love you a lot and it seems like he's a bit whipped. I'm not sure what I did. He even gave me a necklace for christmas.

But there is one thing to consider. He's likely to be sent to boot camp next July to join the Marine Corps. He's waiting for approval. I don't know if that's the cause or if it's something about me. The almost sudden changes I've seen in him sometimes make me a bit suspicious, like he might be trying to cover something up. But I really have no idea. I respect his privacy and I don't pry myself into his problems or situations. I only help him with that when I'm asked by him or if it's serious. I trust him a lot more now than I did this February, but I always end up preparing myself for the worst in every situation I'm in.

What do you think this guy could possibly be thinking? Could there be something wrong with me? Can you help me out?

VictorM's advice:

Certainly his impending future could have an impact on his behavior. It could also be just a natural progression of maturity. He's at an age when these types of transformations happen, when a boy ceases being the jerky teenager and become a sensible man.

There's nothing wrong with you in this regard. Being cautious is not a bad thing.

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: Lydia
Age: 17`
Location: USA
Question: A guy friend who is a year younger than me that I'm not really close to told me last night that he liked me. I have no feelings for him nor ever will so I tried to let him down gently. I told him I was flattered and that he was brave in telling me and that I respected him for that but I just and always would see us as only friends. Then he proceeded to tell me things you tell your other friends during the rejected unrequited love game (i've been on the other side of the fence every time). He told me that he was disappointed and that I ruined his New Year and that he was gonna cry himself to sleep. I told him I felt bad and that he'll find someone better than me just give it time. But he keeps texting me all these things that make me feel horrible. He even told me this morning that he threw up because of last night's conversation. I'm not going to lie to him and tell him that I like him because I don't and never will. But I feel horrible as it is without me being the rebound! What do I say or do that won't upset him anymore?

VictorM's advice:

You're not the one upsetting him; he's doing it to himself. You're not responsible for his behavior and you shouldn't allow yourself to think otherwise.

Cut out contact with him. He's manipulating you into giving him attention. Don't allow it.

Submitted on Thursday, December 31, 2009
By: Elena
Age: 18
Question: I was in a relationship with a guy who i met and we were together for about 3 months until we had a fight and he broke up with me. Ever since then I haven't talked to him until I messaged him on facebook and told him merry christmas and happy birthday. He began to ask me how I was doing and asking if I had any guys in my life in the time we weren't together. I had lost my virginity to him, and he was aware of how important that was to me. We both had fallen in love in the short amount of time that we had known each other, he had told me he loved me first. He asked me for my number again and we began to talk/text, he also told me how he is still the jealous type after he asked me if i had been dating or not and that I am still "his" he had told me he missed me and after texting for awhile i asked him to come visit me because he goes to a different college. While messaging him on facebook i noticed that on his page there was a girl who he said he was "going to visit" she isn't from the school he goes to and he seemed to be interested in her. He had told me before i saw this that he has no one in his life right now and has not had a relationship or sex ever since we were together, so I don't know if he is lying to me. He told me he would come once he can save the money to come. I told him that I wouldn't sleep with someone who was having sex with other people, even though he had told me that he is feels good to have sex with whoever that women aren't that important to him anymore..which has got me so confused. when i ask him what his intentions are he won't answer me. However, my problem lies where he had told me that he misses me but he started to act cold towards me, i never said anything mean or anything that would have made him react that way. I asked him what he wanted from me, and i told him that it only seemed like all he wanted was to be friends with benefits, but he then told me that if all he wanted from me was sex, he could get it there easily (he lives 13 hours away from me) but i still began to question his intentions with me. I told him that I could come out there if he couldn't come here, he didn't sound like he was too excited about it. He told me that he was the most important thing in his life as is school. however, he had also told me that he wanted a girlfriend who would love him and wouldn't screw him over before telling me what his current priorities are. i'm just confused as to what his intentions are with me. I want a relationship with him although i had not told him directly, i believe that he might have caught onto this. my question is should i go to visit him without knowing what he wants from me? if a relationship is what i want, but not sure if it is what he wants, should i go or does it sound like he is not interested in me other than having sex?

VictorM's advice:

This is a concept that you, and so many other woman, just can't understand or choose not to understand. Basically, if you ask a guy about getting into a relationship, there are only two real answers: yes, or anything other than a "yes" is a big, fat "NO!" Now, if a guy doesn't say Yes straight out, he's really saying No but with some wiggle room to allow for the potential hooking up occasion down the road.

So, as far as I'm concerned, you have an answer. Now it's just a matter of whether you want to accept the answer or somehow live in denial.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 30, 2009
By: Jeff
Age: 19
Location: Chicago, IL
Question: Hello, my name is Jeff. I am 19 years old. My question involves my first relationship and breakup and I would truly appreciate it if you could give me some advice. I don't know who else to turn to for advice, so if you would be so generous as to read my story, I would be forever thankful. I apologize that it is rather long, but I want to explain as best as I am able so you can fully understand both my situation and feelings. Thank you so much in advance for any help you can give!

I guess I'll start off with some background information. I am a freshman halfway through my first year at college. Over my past four years in high school, I've occasionally thought about having a relationship with someone, but every time I'd always come back to the same conclusion. I thought that I was too busy and involved with activities and school to have time, or that I wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet because I was still figuring out who I was as an individual, and that I wouldn't know how to act or what to do. There was no one that I really felt much of a connection to, even when I considered the possibility as well. I continued this line of thinking up until my senior year and didn't know if having a girlfriend was worth it at that point in my life, but I was wrong.

So, moving on: This spring in February, I went to the musical that my high school performs annually, and this time it was Cinderella. After the play when I was driving home a weird longing/melancholy feeling came over me and remained for the next couple of days and I had no idea why at first. Even though I have a bunch of things going for me, everything suddenly seemed so trivial and meaningless. It felt like I had somehow done it all wrong, that there was something missing. The girl who played Cinderella in the play kept popping into my mind and I finally realized that maybe she was the reason. I know it's really cliche, but just like in the play, the guy sees the girl for the first time and instantly has an attraction even though he barely knows her, and that happened to me I guess.

I didn't really know her at all, even though we go to the same school because I went to a high school with over 2000 kids, but I was friends with several people that she was also friends with, so I asked one of them about her. This mutual friend thought that the girl would be interested in meeting me and thought that we would make a good fit. I found out more about her and found out that she was three years younger than I was, but had skipped a grade; so she was a sophomore and I was a senior. I realized that immediately this would make things very complicated, but I knew I'd regret it if I never gave myself the chance. So I took the risk and started talking to her one day and after a few days I asked her out on a date. She said yes and we had a great time, and the more time I spent with her, the more and more I liked her. We had been going on dates for about a two months or so, and I was really falling for her. She seemed to have it all, she was cute, smart, funny, outgoing, the whole deal. Everything seemed to fall into place, like I finally figured out what life was all about. I know that a relationship isn't the only thing in life, but I realized how important a part it was. I wanted to show her how I felt about her and confirm my feelings so I asked her to be my girlfriend to make our relationship official. She said yes and I was very happy.

It was perfect until a week later when I went over to her house to pick her up for an outdoor play we were going to see. We were just sitting in her house hanging out talking for a little bit before we were going to leave, when out of the blue she said that "we need to talk". I was very surprised and immediately my heart sank because that phrase never turns out well. She was visibly upset and tearing up and said that she really liked me, but she wasn't ready for a relationship. I had no idea, and it wasn't as if she had been giving signs that I just wasn't picking up on either, it was as if a switch had just suddenly been flipped. I couldn't figure out how so suddenly her feelings could just stop like that. It was as if the last two months had never even happened, and all the time we spent together was just a mistake; a misunderstanding.

I was devastated. I couldn't find anything that had happened recently that would cause her to switch so suddenly. We were basically already in a relationship, just without the formal tittle of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," we would do things about every week and talk almost every day. So I couldn't understand how the title would make things so different, it wasn't as if anything would suddenly change because of a title. It just felt so unfair. The way she talked, it seemed like the problem was not me, but she wasn't ready for a romantic relationship with anyone at that point. When I was dating her, I purposely took things extra slow. Since she was younger than me, I made sure to be extra careful and respectful. I wasn't forward at all during the whole time in regards to the physical side, and I never gave off signs that I was expecting anything of the sort, and didn't try to do anything either. For me, I care more about just spending time with her and being with her than doing anything more physical. I guess I follow the "nice guy" mentality.

She said that she really liked me and hanging out with me and that she really wanted to stay friends. I was pretty devastated and didn't know what to do. I talked to her to try to understand exactly what was upsetting her or overwhelming her to make her decide that, but I never really got a good answer. I explained exactly how I felt about her and how much she meant to me, but it didn't seem to sway her mind. I was pretty depressed and gloomy for a while, probably mostly because it was my first experience with a relationship. It was like I realized there was a big hole in my life, and I found the right person to be with, and then it slips right through my fingers and there's nothing I could do about it.

I wanted to take her in my arms and wash away the fear and sadness. There's that old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all," but I didn't really believe it before. How could this pain be better than how I felt a few months ago before I even met you? But as I was lying in my bed one night, I realized that that brief period of joy I had with her, even if it was only a couple of months, was worth it. When I was with her, I felt as happy as I've ever been. Just being able to spend time with her, and look into her eyes, I wouldn't trade that for anything. For that short time, everything felt right. I felt like I had finally understood what I had been missing.

When she told me, it was the beginning of June, and over the next few months I seemed to be gradually getting better and working through it. I did talk to her a few times via IM, and we both initiated conversations, because I didn't want to be a jerk and never talk to her again (even though breaking off contact may have made it easier some people have told me), seeing as she said that she really wanted to stay friends and talk to me still. It was hard though, because it wasn't a bad breakup, or a situation in which we were mad at each other or fought or anything, so I still obviously have feelings for her.

Then August rolled around and all the chaos that comes with moving into college began. Moving in and meeting new people and everything else that comes with starting out college really helped to take my mind of of it. She'd cross my mind sometimes, but I'd move on to something else. But then after about a month or so, I started settling in and everything calmed down. And then she started coming back into my mind more and more. It's the same cycle, over and over again: pain, regret, optimism, and nostalgia. Some days I'll feel as carefree as I did before I even met her, confident and excited about what's to come, but then some days that sinking feeling of reality sets in again.

I went through a couple rough weeks at that point, but I've made some progress in regards to it all. After giving it a lot of thought, I now realize that the age difference was probably the main factor in what caused her to stop it. She is now a junior in high school, and I'm starting college, so I can understand that she was probably overwhelmed about having to deal with it all, and trying to have a relationship with someone who's in college. I'm sure her parents had something to say about it as well, seeing that she is three years younger than me. The only thing about that is that whenever I would see or talk to her parents, they always seemed so nice and accepting, and never hinted that they had any issue with our relationship. It wasn't as if I was some kid barely making it through school who they didn't want to trust their daughter with. (sorry I'm not trying to brag here, but I want to give you some reference) I ranked 4th in my graduating class of 500 and was selected as the "Renaissance Man of the Year" (an award that goes to the student with the best combination of grades, service, extracurriculars, and character), and her parents always seemed happy to have me around and her mom especially treated me like "the boyfriend." I understand that we are in two different points in our lives, and that it would be difficult for her. I'm going to a school in the same city as we both live, but still it'd be complicated. I can understand where she is coming from if I was in her situation, but I wouldn't have given up like that if I like the person so much. I guess it comes down to her not feeling quite the same way about me as I do for her, I just don't know.

People say that "everything happens for a reason" meaning that it fell apart because someone better is waiting just around the corner or something of the sort. I wish I could believe that. I wish it were that simple; to always have that effortless optimism pushing you on, but it's not true. I personally do not believe in some divine plan or fate that is guiding our lives, I think that we make our own paths. And I guess that's what makes it so hard, to know just how close I was, and that it didn't work. "There are plenty of fish in the sea," people will say. Maybe that's true, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy to find the one I'm looking for. When you've found someone who makes it work, who fits perfectly, and then they're gone, it's hard to just move on and start over. I know this may sound petty compared to people who have been married or longer relationships with bigger problems, but I've never been through this before, so it's still the toughest thing I've dealt with.

So here I am now, in December and she still comes to my mind daily. I've been doing better , but it's still hard, because I really would like that connection to someone you care so much about. I really liked her, even loved her, and even though I've been trying to keep my eyes open here at my college, I haven't really found anyone who I've felt a similar connection to. I still deeply care for her and I wish something could work out, but I feel that, really no matter what I want, until she's older and graduates high school, I can't really do anything except stay friends. That's what she asked for, and that's what I've been trying to do, but even that is difficult. When we were dating, we would IM or text or talk nearly every day, but it would be weird to do that now, so I've been trying to talk to her every several days or so to keep in touch. I don't really know the best way to approach communicating now or what to do. In some ways I'd like to just get past it and move on, and hope that I'll find another person who I will connect with just as much. But another part of me doesn't want to let go, and still hopes that in the future something will happen between us. I'm just not sure anymore. I guess the hardest thing is just not knowing how she feels about it all. I was pretty upfront with my feelings when she broke it off back those months ago, but she never really explained any reasons for why she did it, and never said that much about her feelings. I sent her a fairly long heartfelt letter in early July telling her how I felt and what I was thinking and everything else, because we hadn't talked in a while and I guess I wanted her to know how I felt. But her reply just sort of restated what she said before and she never has really said her own feelings or how she feels about me or the relationship since we broke up, so I have no idea how she feels now. I don't know if still thinks about me, or if she's over it. I just don't know, and I'm afraid to bring something up about our relationship or ask her if she thinks there would ever be a chance in the future of something happening, because we've just recently in the past month or so started communicating more regularly (just as friends, but still). If she just would have asked, I would have waited for her until she felt ready for a relationship, but she didn't.

Just two days ago I was talking to a mutual friend who asked me to hang out with herself and several other mutual friends. She told me that they were at my ex's house and invited me to come over. I went and it seemed a little awkward at first because I hadn't seen my ex since the summer, but after a short little while it wasn't so bad, and I had a good time. The only thing was that when she was there and we were all hanging out and talking I would keep thinking about how much I wished we would still be more than just friends. When I was leaving she said that it was really nice seeing me and commented that she hadn't seen me since I left for college (in a "it's been too long" way). She didn't really give any signs or clues of how she felt about our relationship, (I wasn't really expecting anything). She seemed very happy to see me again and spend time with me, just as I was with her. But it's been difficult now, because it was just hanging out as friends, and it's hard doing that when I can't really get what we had out of mind that easily. I'm not sure how to say it, but I guess, it just hurt some to be there and everything, especially afterward when I would think about it, (which I'm trying to get myself not to do). Anyway, that's the latest contact I've had with her so far.

I'm not really sure exactly what I'm even asking, but I guess any advice or help you can offer would be appreciated in what I should do, or how to handle any interaction with her in the future. Thank you very much, I truly appreciate any response.

- Jeff -

VictorM's advice:

Wow... very long, but very well-written.

I've got two words for you: closure and chemistry. About each of them in a minute, but first...

Don't listen to all the well-meaning people who tell you about other fish and things happen for a reason. You need to mourn your loss. It's absolutely great when you find someone who plugs that hole, as you say. When the person brings the kind of attributes that just makes everything wonderful, who'd want to be OK with giving her up? You are entitled to feel sad, to cry, to miss what you had. Allow yourself to do that. Play sad songs, think of her, and feel lousy. That, believe it or not, will help you feel better in the long run. It's like squeezing water from a towel; the more you squeeze, the drier it's going to get. So, squeeze the sadness from your life by allowing yourself to feel sad. I guarantee you that the more you do it, the less you'll need to do it.

Now, back to our two words.

Closure is what you're looking for. You're looking for a magical answer, something concrete that you can put your finger on. Something that if you knew exactly what it was, you could fix and make everything OK again. Maybe if she told you she doesn't like how you drink soft drinks with a straw, you'd do it differently. Or maybe she didn't like how you chew food you could chew another way. But life is not that simple. Matters of the heart are often illogical, complicated, or so mysterious that we really can't explain it. Which brings us to the second word.

Chemistry is often what people use to describe how they feel attraction for another. It's a magical process. One that we can't understand. Can you truly explain why you were so taken by the girl playing Cinderella that night? Did you make a list of pros and cons and decided you liked her? Of course not. You actually felt an attraction even before knowing a thing about her. So what was it? Chemistry, magic, who knows, really? Well, she can no more explain why she stopped feeling it for you (or actually never felt it but went along because you were such a good catch) than you can explain to me why you were smitten by her after that performance.

Your closure should come from understanding that chemistry is a two way street -- you get it and you lose it without ever knowing why. Life would be boring if we had the answers to everything.

Could some good come from this? It's up to you. You do know that your heart has been broken and guess what? It's till ticking. You're still alive. Your life is still going on. And you know that loving someone feels great and it can brighten your life. And a man who loved deeply once is more likely to love deeply again (I think that's from Sleepless in Seattle.) It's your move.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 30, 2009
By: L
Age: 26
Location: Chicago
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and 7 months. This past Fall, I returned to school to change careers, so I moved to the suburbs to be closer to work and complete pre-requisites at a community college. Since I live about an hour away now, we only see each other on the weekends. We seem to be doing well with the distance. We have also discussed moving in together in the summer of 2011 when I move back to the city to complete my education at another school. We have openly discussed the possibility of a future together including marriage.

I have just a few concerns. It seems that with the future, I tend to bring it up a lot and he seems to just be agreeable, but he doesn't initiate the discussion much. He's 32 and he has some thick debt. He is self employed and he makes enough money to survive, but he doesn't make enough to get ahead with his debt. He stresses about it often and he says he wants to do something about it, but he just can't find the motivation. I've asked him why I tend to have one sided discussions about our future when it comes to specific planning and he says it's because he needs to get on his own feet before he can realistically envision our future together. I respect his position and I agree that it's really important that we're both secure in ourselves before we take a leap forward. The problem is that he has been stressing about his financial situation since we first started dating and he hasn't done anything about it. I have suggested that he get a part time job to supplement his income while he grows his business, but he struggles with that because somehow that translates in his mind as failure. I was thinking of talking to him in February about establishing some more immediate goals because I feel insecure in the future of our relationship. I would really like to see him making some kind of effort to fix that for himself so that I know he's serious about our future. The one thing that's holding us back is holding him back too and I just don't know if I should continue to stay with him and be patient or if I should give him a deadline for some progress and move on if he doesn't meet it? I don't want to be unfair since I really won't be ready to get married until I complete school anyway. Am I rushing the relationship or are my concerns valid? Should I be more patient with him since I am also doing things for myself right now or will I just be wasting my time?

VictorM's advice:

It's a tough economy. I don't know how much of a debt he has, but debt can really drag you down and discourage you. And that sort of situation is a perfect recipe for a guy to not be able to focus on marriage. Totally normal behavior for a guy.

But I believe you're looking at this from the wrong perspective. You are laying out plans to help him get himself on the road to recovery. And what if he does this time? Does it mean you have to be the horse pulling his trailer each and every time he stumbles? Do you really want to live your life with a man who has to be pushed to get himself going? Because I can tell you right now: even without knowing a lot about his situation, I think you're dealing with a personal behavior, not with a just-once type thing.

He's 32 already, not a kid out of school. He has gotten himself into some "thick debt." That's already an indication of a poor planner. His personality, I venture to guess, is part of why he's so in debt, which is part of why he doesn't get out of it, which is part of why he's not even motivated to find alternatives and to work his ass off to get some breathing room.

Let me tell you bluntly: if he's the type of man who needs you pushing him, you'll always carry a boulder on your shoulder.

I say: stay out of his business. Pursue your school and let him be. This is the time for him to prove to you that he's worth getting itched up with. If he can't pull himself out of this on his own, than you'll know that staying with him would be a mistake. But he has to do it on his own. Stay out of it.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 30, 2009
By: Julie
Age: 40
Location: Arizona
Question: ok...I have the man of my dreams. He tells me he adores me...He tells me he loves me...He tells me that he knows he is lucky to have me...I get a good morning beautiful text message each morning...I spend time with his family and kids...They treat me like family......He even bougth us matching rings for Christmas...we wear them on our right hands...he works hard each day and even does some side jobs in the evening and on weekends for extra money...so sometimes I have to go a few days without seeing him.... He has told me that I can call or text him anytime I want..but he has very nicely told me that he hates to talk on the phone...I like to talk on the phone at least once a day..if only for a few...SOOO...I do not want to push him away or screw things up...Any advice on being a great girlfriend...who sometimes can be needy.. to a great and wonderful man is greatly appreciated...I never want to seem controlling or needy...I love this man and want it to work for the long haul..

VictorM's advice:

First I have to say that his dislike for the phone is quite common. Text is less bothersome because it's not intrusive and doesn't require full and immediate attention.

But the way to get him to call you is by not asking him to call you. Never mention it again. However, after the very next time he calls you for whatever reason, just make sure to tell him, briefly and without going overboard, that "hearing your voice today made my day" with a bright smile and a kiss. That's it. Then drop it.

You may have to do this more than once, but such an attentive man is going to want to "make your day" more often. Now, why shouldn't you just ask him to call you once in a while? Because once a guy feels obligated to do it, it becomes an annoyance. It works much better if he's doing it because he wants to.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 30, 2009
By: sarah
Age: 17
Location: usa
Question:

I've been hooking up with a guy who i met through work over a year ago. We hooked up a long time ago and, we never talked about it and had a fight where he wouldn't even talk to me for months because he was so angry. Since then, we both left that job and ran into eachother at the same Halloween party. We ended up talking and he hugged me and said it was good to see me again, and then a couple weeks later i found myself at his apartment, and with him soliciting sex. I declined, and told him i didn't want history to repeat itself and that i was having a good time hanging out and i didn't want to start talking about our fight but that i also didn't want to have sex and he was really gracious and nice about it. But after that, every time we've hung out, its ended in sex and we still haven't discussed our fight, OR that were getting into, or what either wants. I realized I'm only having sex because i want more and i don't know how to tell him that without him feeling i tricked him. Also, i am confused about what he wants from me because i AM not quite eighteen yet, and he clearly wants to have sex with me more than he doesn't want to get in trouble for it, since he is 23. I figure if he only wanted sex, why would he make a point of getting in touch with me and risking that type of trouble instead of just finding some other chick? And one more question... As long as i've known him he's made comments about how weird anal sex is and how guys could never actually put it in there by "accident" and then the last time we hooked up, guess what he did? And his reaction once i told him to get out was priceless... 'Ohhh wrong one? Hm. Oops' no kidding. I have a nagging suspicion that he really likes it and just didn't want to tell me. How do i ask him something like that?

VictorM's advice:

Usually, when you engage in girlfriend-like activities with a guy who is not your boyfriend, you're going to end up getting screwed. In your case, literally nearly in the ass.

The age difference means nothing at all. In your state (yes, I know what state you're in) the age of consent is 16. You're legal.

Trying to get a guy with sex will almost always backfire because guys want to get serious with a "nice" girl, and one that fucks freely seldom meets that criteria. Sure, it's not fair, it's a double standard, blah blah blah, but that's just the way it is.

As for the anal sex... your vagina and your anus are a mere inch apart. And although they could feel different depending on a lot of things, the mistake could be honest, although highly unlikely given his reaction. I don't believe he doesn't like it. There isn't a porn film out there without anal sex these days and I'm willing to bet he wants to try it with you.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: Kristen
Age: 17
Location: U.S.A
Question: I went to camp over the summer and it involved living and being around the same group of people for a whole month. I became very close friends with two of the guys. Guy 1 and I became friends very quickly and it began with a conversation on a rock where he told me a very personal story. Later he trusted me with his whole life story. With Guy 2 we just hung out all the time and he told me about his family and interests and things. It's been six months since camp and Guy 1 and I talk on the phone every night without fail for typically an hour. We tell each other everything that's going on in our lives and ask each other for ice. Guy 2 and I text all the time. He staying here for five days. He sent me a ring after camp and a birthday present and two christmas presents. (by the way they live in one state and I live in another) There's so much more to this story but I just want to know if the relationship I have with them is nothing more than friendship?

VictorM's advice:

No. Guys are never about just friendship with a girl they find attractive (and they wouldn't give you all this attention if they didn't find your gorgeous). For now they may be satisfied with merely getting your attention, but I guarantee you they harbor fantasies of more. Could they act on those fantasies? They could, but they may not, in part because of the distance, in part because the fantasy is a lot of fun and carries no obligations, which a relationship does.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: Cam
Age: 20
Location: California
Question: If a guy seems to like you right off the bat, gets your number from a friend, texts you a lot, takes you out and hangs out with you almost every day...why would he all of a sudden just stop? And is there any way to get it back to how it used to be?

VictorM's advice:

Why would he stop? Because the chemicals released by his brain that kept him hyper early on were triggered by lust. Once that subsides -- and it always does after a while -- often there's nothing left. And so the guy vanishes.

Besides hoping, there's nothing else you can do.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: kayla
Location: kansas
Question: so there is this guy that works at his job. but every time i go there he is constantly looking at me. and i mean he doesn't really have a "look, she's ugly" on his face but he's always glancing at me. and my friends notice it too. so what does it mean?

VictorM's advice:

It means he likes looking at you. He works at Starbucks (got that from your other submission), in the state of Kansas... do you know how many beautiful corn-fed girls must come into that store a day? I'm willing to bet you're one in a dozen or more.

If you want to draw conclusions you need more evidence than some guy looking at you.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: y
Age: 22
Location: europe
Question: We are going to a movie. is it a date or just friends hanging out?
maybe it's stupid, but i'm really confused. below is the conversation between a guy friend and me. we live in the same neighborhood, and ran into each other.

he: why are you always at home? what do u usually do alone at home?
i : reading, house keeping, watching movies etc.
he: don't spend so much time at home! you should go out more, like go to the cinema.
i : yeah. but i can always watch a movie at home.
he: i know it's expensive to watch movies in cinema...
i: no it's not about the money. you know, it's just so sad if u go to the cinema and watch movie alone
he: would you like to go to a movie with me, as i got two tickets from the credit card for free blablabla
i : yes, i'd love to. ( i was thinking that maybe he's right. i shouldn't stay at home all day. i should go out more.)
he: i know some places and they have english subtitles blablabla (we are in a non english speaking country) and i said ok. i didn't really care about where to go. the way i see it, it's just friends killing time together.

but after i came home, i remembered that he told me he's been super busy and always had to stay up all night for the past month, and sometimes he slept in the office. and he asked me out for a walk twice (didn't happen because once i just came out of a shower; and i caught a cold in the second circumstance). he also said that he was thinking about me and wanted to call me the other day when he took the dog out for a walk.
the more i think about it, the more i wonder: did i say yes to a date? or is it just friends hanging out together?

he kissed me on the cheeks, but that's normal between friends in his culture. he said "you are such a sweetheart" when i helped him (why not, since i was totally free then and he could really use the help), but i think he said that because i was being so nice and helpful.

what do you think? i very much appreciate it!! thanks!!

VictorM's advice:

It's friends hanging out. But a guy wouldn't go to this extent unless he found you attractive. It could be the start of something special... just it's not that yet.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: dawn
Age: 30
Location: okc
Question: Ok, I really just don't get 'it.' And I think 'it' might be myself. I've been single, as in-not married&not shacked up living alone,supporting self-for about 6yrs.Prior to that I was married for 4.Prior to that I was the same definition above-single, for 4yrs.When I've dated,sometimes long-term(1-2yrs) the men I think would be good matches whom I date seem to think I am wanting the Savior to ride in on his white horse &sweep me up. Although, I totally don't get this because, I never act like that. Some of these fools have never even bought me dinner!!I mean, WTF?I think they are full of shit & when I want a little more from them, like normal natural progression(basically like more friendship,dependability,regularity,emotional strength, ya know normal stuffs) they fight it and I tell them to bugger off.Done is done(generally speaking, might give them another chance if they ask for it way later so that I am over their initial failings &might be convinced that they have grown, but usually this is a fallacy).Ok, that is one type of bloke that I get and am unsatisfied with. Then there is the type two.These are the wanna-Be Superman-Saviors.However, I find that to be just as disrespectful.Mainly because it is too much talk, on the other hand it is a power play, and I do not play that game. If I had, my life would have turned out with much more ease, but I'd have lost all integrity.So, I have chosen this path of taking care of myself.I don't answer to anyone, but Uncle Sam, I don't have to fake anything, anything.But, even if I actually really dig one of these supermen(presently one) and don't find them too clingy or trying to keep too many tabs on me, they do not and seemingly can not really believe that there are women in the world who do not want to be taken care of.I mean, seriously I don't mind it, but not to the point that I would lose power in the relationship or the path of my life, career, kid, etc., etc. And although, they seem blissfully unaware of it, they are even in their pitch telling me how things are better Their way, where They live, under Their thumb, because they will take care of everything, and often do make more $$ than I do. However, I am not wanton of those things. I'm fine. Certainly I don't want some bug-a-boo with no job, bad habits, no car, etc. BS. But I do not want and will not give up my community, my career, my attempts at advancement by moving to where-the-hell ever so some man can pay the bills and I can, do what?Have what?Someone to help me move furniture and a sure lay everynight(hopefully)?Perhaps some companionship that would be nice to have regarless of shacking up status? I mean, what the hell. Am I just too fucking difficult (which, by the way, I have been told many times)? Or am I lying to myself saying that I would really like a quality relationship? Or is it just impossible to get what I want because of who I am along with who I have become by the circumstances of my life(although I think it is more just who I am) because this society still doesn't know how to handle, and men do not know how to handle women who want to make their own way in the world, but are willing to share that and willing to support their counters in their pursuit for success??Damn, I feel like a Janis Joplin song,a combination of "Need a Man to Love" and "Move Over" oh yeah, and Mary Blige's "Enough Crying." These men think I'm loco man. One of 'em said he's figured it out, but he's full of it, still getting all upset 'cause I won't let him keep tabs on me, buy stuff for me, or (of course) fuck me. What the hell!!???!! Should I just give up? It's too much BS, takes my energy away from other projects. Damn selfish jerks. I could invest in a quality dildo... sorry to be so frank, but what the hell. I do not want to just go get fucked, It is just not my thing. And I haven't slept through the night with a man since I was married. So, what the hell. I don't miss a man around the house, except when I need to do some work that requires strength and handy-man/mechanical skills. Otherwise, in general, I'm ok being alone. Less people to try to please and ease all the drama/stress of life for. But, I tell you Vic, I feel like a nut-case.

VictorM's advice:

Things were easier when the man was the provider and the woman the homemaker. The men had mistresses on the side to satisfy their needs for quantity over quality. And everyone turned a blind eye.

Things have changed drastically and we're in the middle of this social hurricane -- no wonder you feel like a nutcase.

Women now can provide for themselves so seeking the best provider is no longer the top priority. Women now demand fidelity. Ouch! Women want to be respected and loved. And they expect gifts, and birthday cards. And guys are finding it harder to compete with all the heroes in romance novels, where the story normally ends just when in real life the troubles begin. And males' quest for quantity over quality continues and it's easier to attain with all the online dating and ease of traveling and getting away from small places where everyone knew everyone.

I don't know what to tell you other than I understand your frustration. You're not imagining things.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: Bella
Age: 21
Location: FL
Question: I am 21 and the guy I am having problems with this guy who is 21. We are both seniors in college and met when we were freshmen. We started dating New Years Eve 2006 (or I guess Jan 1, 2007). We dated until Feb 2008 (a little over a year), when I broke up with him due to lack of communication and because he went studying abroad to Spain. We didn't speak to each other from Feb 2008 until November 2009. I emailed him and asked if he wanted to get coffee and catch up. We had a really intense relationship for a year, practically living together on campus, and mutual friends. When we hung out in November the first time, he had a girlfriend that he had been dating for a year. We met for coffee once, and then I ran into him on campus, he told me they broke up. He said she broke up with him, but it seemed weird that it happened the same night we had hung out in so long.
We continued to hang out, 3 more times. Then I slept with him, and I know I shouldn't have, but like I said our relationship was intense. We spend 24 hours together, and he seemed like he didn't want me to leave his place, finally we did. Then we hung out everyday for the next four days. Making up reasons to hang out, and texting. He left that friday for winter break (goes until the 8th of Jan), he text me the whole time he was driving home, until 5 am. Then I text him the next day asking if he made it home ok, and he called me. We talked for an hour and a half, about everything, and he didn't seem to want to get off the phone either.
We text a few times here and there until last Wed, which was our last conversation. He text me merry christmas, and I text him back the same thing. Since then no contact. This guy is/was the love of my life, I was so broken hearted when I broke up with him. Depressed, not going to class, lost contact with my friends, transfered schools and basically quit on life. I got back on track, transfered back and was happy. Then i emailed him, and it seems to have sucked the happiness and worry-free attitude right out of me. I don't know if he isn't talking to me anymore because 1 - he is interested in another girl 2 - his family and friends at home disagree with him talking to me or 3 - he is waiting for me to talk to him. I know this is probably an immature problem, and that I shouldn't think this much about it, but I am at a loss, and don't know what to do. If you have any advice for me that would be wonderful!! Thanks.

VictorM's advice:

Assuming nothing happened to him or his phone, and that he still hasn't contacted you, I'd say that even considering it's the holidays, something is wrong.

One thing you need to remember: past behavior is not indication of future behavior. And as an example, look in the mirror. You claim that this guy is the love of your life yet you broke up with him once before. Your sense of commitment is faulty, at best. Maybe you are now on the other end of that equation.

But frankly, I wouldn't even want to begin to speculate what might have happened.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: Emily
Age: 21
Location: Michigan
Question: How far will guys go (non romantically) with a girl that they have no intentions of dating? I have a good friend and we cuddle, sleep in the same bed (while cuddling), hug, kiss (not on lips) and do everything else physical that does not involve ANY bit of romance. Why? Is he just not interested in me as a woman?

VictorM's advice:

He'd go all the way if he was sure a relationship would not have to follow. So, he'll cop as many feels as he can and keep his freedom.

I'd say he's interested in you as a woman, just not interested in you as a relationship partner. Not at this time anyway.