Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: Michelle
Age: 18
Location: Florida
Question: Why is my ex trying to find out where I live? I broke up with him 6 months ago, we tried to be friends for a little while, but that didn't work out, we were just really bitter towards each other, he then made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk to me again (he blocked me from facebook, and when I tried to make amends he ignored me) but now he's asking my friends my new address, claiming he has a book to return, but the thing is that I do not remember any book, and if there is a book to return why not give it to one of our mutual friends? We have both moved on. Why is he trying to contact me now?

VictorM's advice:

Maybe you have moved on, but it doesn't sound like he has.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009
By: Liz
Age: 49
Location: New York
Question: I am married for twenty five years, and have 4 children. My husband tells me he loves me, and that he is so nuts about me but his behaviors confused me. We appear to be very happy to most people, and while i feel we are happy he always finds something about me to complain about. It is as if he wants to change me. He acts bi-polar because he is happy for awhile, and something will suddenly upset him. He looks to our kids for support, and makes it like i hurt him. I don't know what to do, i am at my wits end. Please help!

VictorM's advice:

He could be bi-polar, or have some other disorder. Try to get him to see a doctor. Seriously, don't overlook the possibilities.

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: Rashmi
Age: 21
Location: india
Question: i'm in a serious relationship with my bf 4 the past 2 yrs. we had a fight once again..
he feels i'm over emotional and have extra feelings for him, which he doesn't require.

we are very close (i hope you know what i mean by that) but whenever we fight he abuses me like hell.. which really hurts me..i've told him many times..but he says that if you make me angry then i can't control whatever i say.

I'm really in a fix..i love him a lot..he might hurt me a lot many times but in 2 years of time he has also given me a lot of happiness (intentionally or unintentionally).. and yeah..he hardly shows me his love..this has happened just about 5-6 times in 2 yrs..

plz help me..i don't wanna lose him.. but he is too rude and keeps ignoring my calls when he is angry..

i dont know what to do

rashmi

VictorM's advice:

Well, really, he needs therapy to deal with his anger, but since that's not likely, and since you're committed to sticking with him, you have to be the one adapting.

You need to realize that men in general, and your boyfriend in particular, deal with being offended by reverting to their hurt child state. They really become like angry 5 year old boys. And little boys can't deal with issues in a mature way. As long as your boyfriend is in that mode (it can last hours to a few days), he's out of reach. You do best to ignore him. Don't even call him.

But little boys also have the need to hurt the one who caused them pain. If you watch little boys fight, each has to be the last one to throw the last punch. So, when your boyfriend is in this state, he needs to hurt your feelings. It's the only way he'll come out of that mind set. So, next time he starts being mean to you, do NOT act strong; instead, cry and say that he's hurt your feelings (even if it's not true). If you need to fake cry, do it. Once the 5 year old sees that he's inflicted pain on you, he's more likely to come back to his adult self quicker.

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: kim
Age: 19
Question: do guys notice a little bit of weight gain in girls as much as girls notice it in other girls? i've gained a little bit of weight.. im 5'3 so i feel like it's noticeable.. probably gained about 5-7 pounds most in my stomach but you can't really tell that bad with my clothes on, i'm self conscious about it though and gained a little in my face.... i don't want guys thinking i'm a fat ass. damn you college!

VictorM's advice:

Hi kim. Did Eliza also gain weight? :-p

No, guys don't notice these things at all. They'll probably just think you have a new haircut or are wearing new socks. Truly, that's how clueless guys are about these things. But if a guy notices it, he'll probably like you with the few extra pounds anyway. We aren't the consumers of those magazines that preach you look ugly if your ribs aren't protruding out of your body.

If you don't want people to think you're fat, stop whining, consume fewer calories and exercise more. Simple, isn't it? :)

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: elle
Age: 46
Location: New York, NY
Question:

My fiance doesn’t seem to take any interest whatsoever in my inner or emotional life. When we’re alone together he seems bored, and we rarely have anything to say to one another. However when we are with other people he comes alive, he is affectionate to me in their presence primarily. He’s extroverted and he always feels everything is more fun with others along. I do like some of his friends, but some of his friends seem slightly uncomfortable around me. I don’t know if it’s my age (we are 10 years apart) or my race. It could be that I am quieter.

He is bright, and he frequently treats me like a child when I make a mistake and sometimes he has a very sarcastic manner. For instance, we were leaving a furniture store and I was going in the wrong direction of where we were parked. Instead of just saying we’re over here, he had to go the cars over here, why don’t you join me in a really sarcastic way. He does joke this way a lot, but I can tell when it’s a joke and when it’s more of a mean spirited sarcasm.

Although we are engaged, but I feel like he really doesn’t love me. He always seems to have infatuation for other women like his friends wife. They once lived down the street from us and he was constantly there hanging out with the two of them. He would invite me, but I hate sitting around watching him interact with her when it’s obvious to me he’s attracted to her. And she flirts with him by telling him how handsome he looks in certain things. I have watched her brush his hair away from his forehead, take lent off of his shoulder. I could just be jealous of nothing. But its irritating.

Now he seems to be showering undue affection on his sister in law. I don’t know what happened t o this relationship. Maybe I am just too dumb/absent minded, bashful for this guy. Otherwise, why can’t we spend quality time together without him feeling antsy?

Maybe we’re just not right for one another. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You have different energies and every woman should at least feel respected.

Life is difficult, but not always complicated. This is such a case.

End it.

I won't post your question because it's rather long.

Once a guy has a girlfriend, you really should butt out, but in this case, given the circumstances, I don't see the downside of you telling him how you feel. But before you do, you must realize that telling him will forever change the friendship you have. The most likely outcome is that he'll become cocky and manipulative. But there's the chance that he'll want to be with you. And no matter how bad the odds are, it's worth a try because you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering "what if..."

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: Amanda
Age: 20
Location: New York City
Question: M is a guy I've liked for the last 2.5 years but after years of no signs of sexual interest from him, I thought he was gay. My freshman year he was my best guy friend: we would spend hours cuddling in bed together but he would never kiss me. The only time we made out was during truth or dare when he was dared to kiss the person he was most attracted to. The next 1.5 years, we drifted apart but 2 weeks ago I ran into him when he was drunk. We ended up cuddling in my bed, and then he initiated sex. Based on the sex, I would say he's definitely not gay. He told me that he's liked me since the first day he met me but he can only talk to girls when he's drunk. When I got stranded at the airport last week he offered to let me stay at his parent's house. However for the next 2 days he didn't do anything more than kiss me goodnight (when no one was there). The next day he wouldn't even hold my hand. I don't know if this was bc he was too shy to do anything lest his parents or brothers see. I suspect his bro's def know we had sex since they were visiting the night he spent in my room. I haven't heard from M in a week except for a Merry Christmas text. I don't know if he's still interested. I would love to date him but don't know whether I should initiate something given that it took him 2.5 years to make a move. What should I do? Text him, or talk to him when I go back to college? I don't want to come on to him too strongly lest I look like a slut. What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

I think the guy knows you well enough to rule out the slut part.

But, sex changes everything, and most of the times, not for the better. You may be a lot more appealing to him as this cool, easy going friend than as a potential girlfriend. That's because while girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom.

The holidays are too hectic. Wait till you go back to school and then when you see him, behave more like a date than a friend. Stand a little closer to him, hold your gaze a little longer, touch him more often and softly, dress to impress, etc. He needs to switch his thinking from seeing you as a "friend" to seeing you as "sexy and hot."

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: sue
Age: 32
Location: los angeles
Question: so i met a guy online. we we've been seeing eachother for about 3 months 2-3x a week now. and spent an impromptu xmas eve and xmas together. he's not very demonstrative or verbal with his feelings, however he consistently wants to hang out so i assume he likes me? i've dropped stuff like "i'm not sleeping with anyone else" and he responds awkwardly and uncomfortably that he's not sleeping w anyone else either. i'd like to be exclusively dating, but i also don't want to be the pressurey type. is there a good way to ask if he would want to be more than just casual w/o putting someone in a corner? he's a very social person, but also

VictorM's advice:

He's not very demonstrative or verbal with his feelings because he doesn't have feelings yet. While a girl can fall madly in love with a guy before knowing if he farts and picks his nose while eating with his mouth wide open and spitting food bits all over, a guy needs to get to know the girl in much more detail. Lust will get him to overlook a lot initially, but eventually, he'll want to know more about the real you.

Don't ask him anything. Enjoy the company, make it a lot of fun for him to be with you, and be patient.

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: Karina
Age: 13
Location: California
Question: I have this one friend... he's great but he likes my friend and i like him. I don't know if she likes him but i do know they always hang out. It gets me sad often. Then every once in a while he flirts with me. I don't know what to do. I can't forget him! He's always on my mind! Every day that we txt he starts off sweet then when I say good night or sweet dreams he tells me ya with her i hope and it depresses me! Then right now she is off on vacation and he's sad but as I try to cheer him up I get more and more depressed.....what do you think i should do???? Plz help!

VictorM's advice:

1. Don't give up.
2. When he tries to talk about her, change the subject "Hey, did you see Avatar yet?"
3. When he talks to you, make it as fun as possible, paying him compliments once in a while (not mushy stuff like "you're sweet," but more manly stuff like "your new shirt looked really good on you today."
4. Don't give up.

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: Laura
Age: 30
Location: Mississippi
Question: This is a long one: I met this guy over a year ago. We texted back and forth for a couple of weeks and myself and a friend met him and a friend out for drinks/dinner a few times during that time. Not long after, he confessed that he might be getting back together with his ex. They were together for a number of years before he broke it off and he was going on a trip with her where they were going to decide if they were going to give it another go. Since that trip was a couple of weeks away, my friends said I should still go out on dates with him and see what happens but to keep my guard up just in case. So, we went on several dates and had a wonderful time together...no sex was involved. Of course two weeks later, he and his ex got back together. He told me that it would upset him to lose our friendship and asked that we still hang out as friends. I was okay with that even though I was sad that he and the ex got back together. During the year that they were back together, we took things to far a few times when we were hanging out. I always felt guilty afterward because I have never been in that situation. I have always been the one cheated on. When I would ask him how things were going with him and the girlfriend, he would say things haven't change. That there wasn't any passion, that it felt like they were roommates, etc. A couple of months ago, the girlfriend met someone else and broke it off with him. He was heartbroken a bit but I tried to be the friend for him. Now, after a year of being around him, I still want a relationship with him. We have had the "talk" about that and he said that he was in this relationship for 7 years and the relationship before her for 10 years and both times things ended because of him and his problems with taking that next step (marriage, commitment) and it wouldn't be fair to me to jump into a relationship with me and have things end the same way. He said he definitely has feelings for me and doens't know what the future holds, but he's not ready to jump into something else right now.

The problem is we have spent so much time together. Yes, we are still having a physical relationship with one another, but when we are out and about with friends he seems like he is acting like we are in a relationship more than just friends. I know this is long, and I'm sorry, but I'm just confused with him. I don't know what to do...I guess my question is does he want a relationship, just not with me?

VictorM's advice:

Look, if we had our druthers, most of guys would avoid a relationship, period. For girls a relationship is security but for guys it's a loss of freedom.

In your case, the guy is getting all the benefits of a relationship (going out with you, hands all over you, sex, etc.) without any of the obligations. What guy wouldn't want that?

Chances are that if you engage in girlfriend activities with a guy who isn't your boyfriend, you'll wind up getting screwed. You are enabling the non-relationship status by giving him all he wants now.

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 22
Location: NY
Question: Hi Victor,

First off, I recently discovered your site and have been reading it ever since, it's very interesting and quite informative. Ok, I'll try to keep this short.

So I've been seeing this guy I used to work with for over a month now. We planned the second date at the end of the first but for different reasons we had to postpone it, twice. So like 2 and a half weeks passed between the 1st and 2nd dates, but we kept in contact. The next 3 dates happened all within 1 week and things were going very well. After the 1st 2 dates he would text me when he got home saying that he had a great time, that he really enjoys spending time with me, that he's looking forward to the next time, things like that. They were mostly filled w/talking and laughing and all that good stuff. The third date things got more physical and the fourth we ended up having sex, but there was always a sweetness and intimacy as we explored this physical realm. And mostly I just felt comfortable, it was really nice. However at the end of the third and again after the fourth we didn't really make plans for the next time we'd see each other like we had before. I brought it up the last time and gently alluded to it again this time but I know that he's been really busy w/work and I've been out of town plus the whole holiday season is just kind of hectic with my family coming in, etc but he said he had a couple of days off this week. He's still contacting me, but he doesn't seem to ask about the next time we'll see each other. Also, the last couple of text conversations we've had he's just kind of jumped ship in the middle, even if i'm asking a blatant question (with a question mark and everything). He seems like a really sweet guy and we enjoy each other's company and I've had little over-thinking freak outs before and everything turns out fine.

After reading your past posts I know that a) texting is the devil and I'm trying not to use that as a clear cut indication of feelings and b) a general decline in effort is natural (though no less annoying). I'm trying to wait for him to contact me instead of going after him to "maintain the mystery" and he is CONTACTING me...we're just not making any plans yet (though we are both kind of bad at that and don't make any detailed plans until the day in question anyway). I just want to make sure that this is not one-sided (as I've been in that situation more times than I can count). Also, my new year's plans are most likely falling through so I wanted to know what he was doing...so I'm thinking that maybe I should play a little hard to get, but this is time sensitive. Lastly, I'm a little afraid of being taken for granted if I'm "in the bag" since we've already slept together...but it really was something that we both wanted, though now I'm wondering if it was too soon. I'd reeeeeeaallly appreciate your perspective. Thanks.

VictorM's advice:

Yes, you slept with him too soon. Here's why: a guy can go along scheduling dates after dates, being funny and nice, and all that good stuff as long as he's going at his own pace. Each individual date stands on it's own and need not mean that a relationship (with all it's obligations and responsibilities) is on the horizon. This is more important to guys than girls because guys don't fall in love as quickly as girls do. Guys need more time develop feelings and consequently accept the conditions of a relationship. Girls see a relationship as security but guys see it as loss of freedom.

After you two had sex, the fear that a relationship is the next expected step kicked and since the guy isn't emotionally ready because he's not in love with you yet. So he pulled back. Even if you're not the one putting pressure on him to be a couple, his upbringing in this society stamped that imprint in his mind.

So, basically, you're dealing with a guy who likes you but is not in love yet, feeling that since you slept together if he's too warm and cozy with you, a relationship is a must very soon. He's trying to avoid that trap while at the same time keeping you close by.

PS. And yes, the message about about you. :)

Submitted on Monday, December 28, 2009
By: Kia
Age: 23
Location: PA
Question: Hi Victor,
I was seeing someone for a few months, until he slept with another woman, and called to tell me about it. Of course alcohol was involved. He was showing more interest than I was at the time. So I'm a little confused why it happened. Was this his subconscious way of not seeing me anymore? Thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

I don't think so. Cheating is a character flaw that has nothing to do with the partner.

It'll be hard to reply confidentially without referring to the specifics in your question. If you wish, send me your email address and I'll reply to you via email.

Submitted on Sunday, December 27, 2009
By: Janice
Age: 21
Question: I think I have a problem with falling for older guys, like probably 7-9 years older than me. A few months ago in LA, I met my friend's brother (the guy) who's older than me by 9 years, but we talk a lot. When i returned to my hometown, we chatted online often until way passed midnight. A week ago, we decided to hang out and go to Canada together. We shared the same room in the hotel, but my other friends were there too. However, they fell right asleep and only "the guy" and I were awake. I couldn't fall asleep because i cannot sleep with lights on. "the guy was half way asleep and i don't know why, i was partially asleep too, but i moved myself towards him and he wrapped his arms around me. I thought it was really sweet because it made me felt that we were couples, but i moved away after a few seconds. I was afraid, but i really do like him. We went back to my hometown after and the day he was about to leave, he planted a kiss on top of my head. he's really nice to me, but i don't know if this is like a brother-sister care, since i'm his sister's friend. he tells me he loves me, but i'm not so sure.... what might he be feeling?

VictorM's advice:

I don't think you have a problem: first, seven to nine years older is not that much of a difference; second, I think it's just a reflection of you liking more mature guys. Chances are that you'll still be attracted to the same age group several years from now.

A kiss on the top of the head is as brother-sister sign as you can get. Not to say that his feelings can't change, or that maybe he's trying to hide his true feelings, but the signs are not in your favor at this time.

By the way, in the middle of the night, guys usually will hug any woman as long as she's not his mother and she's alive. Do not think his willingness to hug you means anything.

Submitted on Sunday, December 27, 2009
By: Juliana
Age: 21
Location: Florida
Question: Hi. There is this guy that I met through working together with him. I fell in love with his personality. He decided to stop working and we would even hang out after that sometimes, just go over his house and chill. We spent the fourth of the July together with a friend and we drank. I felt an even closer connection when he held me as we watched the fire works. He might have not felt the same way but I don't know. He is in Japan now and I haven't really talked to him but I talked to him the other day. I decided that I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't know what I should do. I don't think it will make a difference since he is in japan but I will feel better knowing how he feels. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Generally I advise against such confessions. They seldom work and more often than not just make the guys cocky and in control. But since you're not seeing each other now, and you say you'd feel better if you tell him, I say tell him. You really have nothing to lose and who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised. But do go into this with low expectations. As the saying goes: expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed.

Submitted on Sunday, December 27, 2009
By: Erin
Age: 25
Location: New York
Question: I just started romantically seeing a guy who has been not only a friend for the past few years but also a previous roommate. We are really close as friends and wanted to take it to the next level in a relationship. He had recently gotten out of a relationship with a girl whom he works with and also is a friend of ours. He has told me that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life but then pulls back and says that we need to slow down so that he can sort out the emotions he has for the ex-girlfriend so that we can move forward in a positive light. I am upset due to the quick pull back but would like for it to work out between us. He says that his motivations are for us and that his feelings for me will not change, he just needs me to give him time and to be patient.What is your take?

VictorM's advice:

He can't guarantee you that his feelings for you won't change.

It is worrisome that he got serious with you and only after a while felt the need for time. You have to wonder... he needs time for what? What is he going to do meanwhile? Is he going to try to go out with her again? Or is he really just starting to have doubts about you but is using her as an excuse? Hard to tell.

In any case, it's to your advantage that he properly get over her first, otherwise, your relationship is doomed to failure. So give him some time. You really have nothing to lose but a few more days or weeks.

Submitted on Sunday, December 27, 2009
By: Confused
Age: 24
Location: Midwest
Question: Why does my husband not want to have sex with me? Okay we've been together for 10 years and from day one I have been the one that has initiated any sexual experience. He is definitely attracted to women, no he's not cheating (not that type of guy), but I'm more into porn and kinkiness than he is. I'm confused, he gets compliments all the time about how lucky he is to have me and I've been compared to J Lo and yet nada in the bedroom. He has no explanations for his lack of luster and I'm confused. Any ideas?

VictorM's advice:

You both have been playing your respective roles when it comes to sex. True, the roles are reversed from the typical male-female type, but still, that's the way it has been for a long time. Now you're wondering why he's not like you and you like him? It's not easy to change your spots. Changing human behavior, particularly when patterns have been established over many years, is not as easy as turning a light switch. It will require a lot of effort on both your parts.

You must start by abandoning the notion that there is something wrong with him -- there isn't. Start thinking differently: you are the lucky one to have a husband who's not just about sex, who doesn't use you like a trophy wife and sex object, who's not into other women... these are all qualities that most women would die for. Maybe he feels a bit down because you feel so high and mighty, probably parading your J Lo ass around (god bless you if it's even close :)). Next time he takes the lead on anything, tell him how much that turns you on. Scale down your kinkiness -- maybe he would love to make love to you, not just fuck you like a whore. Change, change, change... change your bed sheets, your hairstyle, your clothes... invite him to change as well. Go to new places, do things that please him, not the people who give him compliments. Focus on him, praise him, adore him, love him, be nice to him, build up his ego. Be patient.

Submitted on Sunday, December 27, 2009
By: Talia
Age: 23
Location: Canada
Question: So I met this great guy, and we've gone on a couple dates. We get along amazingly well and we are really excited to see what develops between us. My hugest problem when dating is that I am prone to suddenly becoming turned off of the guy for no reason, or over something so silly. In this particular instance, he is all excited to be more exclusive with me and he's trying not to rush or push me, but he doesn't want to lose me and he hasn't felt this way for awhile. I thought this was what I wanted, but I realize it's not. Things are going way too fast. I know the best thing is to be upfront and honest, but there is no way I can do that. Not only would it break his heart but it would make a lot of our mutual friends really uncomfortable if things end badly. What I am wondering, is how do I get him to decide that I'm NOT what he is looking for without him realizing that's what I'm doing?

VictorM's advice:

You don't have a huge problem. Being turned off by guys just means you have a good guy-radar and move on before you waste too much of your time with a guy who isn't a good fit for you.

But you really need to stop worrying about him and about your friends. Don't play games with them or with yourself. The best thing in the long run is to just be open and get it over with. It's never easy breaking someone's heart, but it'll be easier if it's done with honesty.

Submitted on Sunday, December 27, 2009
By: Lynn
Age: 35
Question: A guy I'm with caused a lot of hurt a while ago. Basically I can sum it up to being poor treatment for a period of time. Very hurtful, the kind where I was having to fight for my dignity and respect repeatedly. I guess I "won" cuz he doesn't treat me like that now but I do feel anxiety when around him and walk on eggshells like I wonder when I'm going to be hurt again. So, I was expressing pent up anger about what I've been through (at his request, I think trying to do a nice thing as he noticed something was going on with me) and he ended up getting angry or I think felt hurt cuz I think he felt he didn't deserve the treatment he felt I was giving him... Anyway, as I said, he got angry by what I had to say and I also expressed my desire to not be with someone who would do the things he did and that I wanted him to lend me money so I could move. (He refused to help. See, I'm so angry that I think moving is the option I should take although I am not happy about it but by him not helping me out I'll have to stay in the same residence as him for a while. He knows that.) So, he was to be leaving for a trip and while packing, just after our "discussion" I said I wanted to say bye as he would be gone a week and I thought it would be better to do that. He was acting like he wanted nothing to do with me. So I tried to convince him to leave on good terms and he was still shutting me out so I left him alone and went up to bed. He ended up coming up and sat on to edge of the bed and after a couple of words, all of a sudden he makes a comment about wishing he could just die and burst into tears. So of course I hugged him but I didn't ask what was he thinking to bring that on. Can you answer why that happened? I'd like to ask him but he's on his trip anyway and then the whole guys and tears thing... Not sure I should bring it up and ask. But obviously I know we had some stress there but I was wondering why you night think he was that overwhelmed.

VictorM's advice:

We all have a tipping point and we never know when it's going to come. I really have no clue what the tears mean, but it's safe to say that he has a hard timing dealing with the situation. Whatever it is, he needs to see a professional therapist, which is not very likely, is it?

You should focus on saving money and getting out of there. Whatever his problem, don't make it yours. And don't let yourself be manipulated into a corner.

Submitted on Saturday, December 26, 2009
By: Manda
Age: 28
Location: USA
Question: Why does my ex hound me if he's supposedly in love with his new girlfriend? This guy and I were super close. He wanted to stay friends but a few weeks back I grew fed up with him and told him I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. He told our mutual friend how hurt he was and said that I never cared for him ever. The time before that we had a blow out and then he kept trying to get me to talk to him. It got to the point where I was getting offline messages and e mails. He even used a mutual friend of ours to try and get me to talk to him. He had her guilt me and try to make me feel sorry for him so then I did talk to him but later regretted it which is why I said I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He and I have been off and on like this for a long time which is why I finally cut the cord. When we'd talk he'd still talk to me like he used to in the past. He'd even flirt and talk about the past. He would also tell me how much he misses me. Yet I was around which made no sense, but he claims to love his girlfriend and they are talking marriage and him moving to be with her. Then why is it he can't seem to leave me be? Why does he want to have me around? Why would he tell me he still thinks of me in more ways then one? It makes no sense. Exes are exes for a reason are they not? He never did understand why I'd get so angry when he'd talk to me like his girlfriend. It made me so angry to the point that I'd give him hell over it, because friends don't talk to friends like that. Especially ones who have girlfriends. I guess I will never know why he is the way he is. When he had me he didn't treat me well and now he treats her the same only they are "talking marriage and him moving" supposedly. She always attacks me verbally when she sees me, because in her mind she thinks I want him cause I'd get upset when he'd talk to me in ways he shouldn't have and for casting him out of my life. She told me I was ugly inside and out because I care enough about myself to walk away. lol Silly woman I tell you. Please tell me what you honestly think. I really want to know why some men act this way.

VictorM's advice:

I don't know enough about him to say why he does what he does, but it's safe to assume that you saw enough of a problem with this guy to break up with him. His behavior just seems a continuation of the defects that makes him come up short. Sounds silly to expect him to behave any better now.

But in any case, since he's not the one writing to me, your reaction about what he does is what matters. And frankly, you're the one that needs help because you are sending out all the wrong vibes. If you truly didn't care about him, he would not get to you as much as he seems to. You'd, in fact, be able to ignore him, which would send out the message that he doesn't matter. But when you react so strongly to what he does or say, you let it slip that he still matters to you more than you care to admit.

His girlfriend may not be as crazy in this regard as you think she is.

This is just a notice to a select few...

I have absolutely no problem answering more than one question from the same person. In fact, some people are "regular" submitters and I'm happy they stick around asking questions. But when I get multiple questions, using different names, ages, and/or locations, and I detect that they all come from the same person, I delete all the questions. I can't always tell when that happens, but sometimes I can.

Submitted on Saturday, December 26, 2009
By: J
Age: 17
Location: NM
Question: Do guys like to receive roses?

VictorM's advice:

There's always the really rare exception, but the answer to the question, as it refers to guys in general, comes in three flavors:

1. No!
2. Hell No!
3. No fucking way!

Submitted on Saturday, December 26, 2009
By: Hailey
Age: 19
Question: About 3 months ago, I met this guy and we started talking. We talked only through texting though. We also hung out at least once a week. We have also kissed already, but only one day. But then he was always working and we have not hung out for a couple weeks. We still txt each other and he calls me "beautiful" and things like that a lot, but has not been clear on whether he wants a relationship or not. Even when I brought it up (may have been too vague though). Is he just playing with me? He randonly txts me and stops after a few texts. Not saying bye or anything. Advice would be appreciated...

VictorM's advice:

Of course he has been clear -- he doesn't want a relationship.

You know, a guy doesn't have to yell it in your face to say it; his actions speak loudly and clearly. He's now just maintaining polite contact.

Submitted on Saturday, December 26, 2009
By: Kyra
Age: 19
Location: Georgia
Question: Me and my boyfriend live together and he hardly talks to me anymore. He comes in the house whenever he feels like it. And when he does come in he's always on his phone. He don't hold me, take me anywhere, or anything. Even though he works a lot he should still make an effort. I'm extremely lonely. I just don't know what's up with him anymore.

VictorM's advice:

I don't know what's up with him, but if you haven't had a talk to him about your feelings of loneliness, you should. If you already did and nothing changed, time to get your own place. See, if you're not happy, YOU need to do something about it, not wait for him to do it for you.

Submitted on Saturday, December 26, 2009
By: Kaelyn
Age: 18
Location: Singapore
Question: Hi Victor, I submitted once b4 about a guy I had crush for a few months.

Anyway, few days after I saw your reply, I managed to get access to his private blog and found out that he still have get over his ex and has been trying for 10months to repair the relationship.

Recently, I noticed that he stopped blogging about that girl. I don't know is it becos there are now readers on his blog so he doesn't blog it or he isn't that depressed over her anymore.

About two weeks back, I happened to talked to him about this particular male senior (he referred as "that senior") who took great care of me like a sister. So there was this day I was going out with "that senior" to do some shopping. He was jealous of "that senior". At first I thought that he was just joking, but then later he apologised to me for being jealous and that he wasn't joking. After that day, whenever I told him of any outings I have with my friends, he would always ask if "that senior" is around.

Recently, he has also been really concerned about me, telling me to sleep early and take care and stuff, which he never did in the past. Everyday he would also ask me what are my plans for the day.

Just a little more info: A few days ago, he asked me out for a movie, which he had already watched before and said that he "don't mind watching it again that is if I want to watch". We also went for breakfast early in the morning when the previous night he just went for drinking til very late night (usually he would just turn me down if he is too tired the previous day).

So my question is, what does it really mean when a guy gets jealous? Is that any chance that we can go further than just being friends? Anyway, he feels that he has only a few friends and I happened to be one of them.

VictorM's advice:

Everything you told me sounds like he's developing some interest in you, however, the jealousy thing is something that you should worry about, not celebrate. The jealousy, as you described, is more a reflection of a controlling personality than anything else. It's one thing to be envious of "that senior" because he gets your attention, but jealousy? Not a sign of a stable guy.

Submitted on Saturday, December 26, 2009
By: Alex
Age: 19
Location: Oregon
Question: My guy friend and I have always been in a "more than just friends" relationship. He's asked me out in the past but I was always too nervous to take it further. A few months ago, we were at a party and things went way further than they ever had. It completely freaked me out and I just quit talking to him and I made things all weird. He left two weeks later to study abroad and he just got back. During that time I realized how much I missed him and really do like him. He just got back and, trying to fix things, I told him I was sorry for freaking out and making things weird. He said that I had no reason to be sorry, he kept his distance cuz he didn't wanna hurt anyone, and that maybe we should try to get back to normal.

Does this mean that he's no longer interested and just wants to go back to being friends? Did me freaking out freak him out? I really do like him, but now I feel like I blew my chance.

VictorM's advice:

Chances are that he's cooled off, for now. But your friendship, as such, will not survive as pure friendship. Either you two will rekindle whatever you had and become "more than friends" again, or he'll move on and the contact between you two will decrease. Either way, you'll know the answer in a relatively short period of time.

Submitted on Friday, December 25, 2009
By: Erika
Age: 26
Location: MI
Question: I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to this, but I need to hear it objectively. Here's the skinny:

I worked on a gig with this guy for 4 weeks, he was from CA, I live in MI. We had a "fling," as I understood that there was no real future with someone who lives 2300 miles away. However, we hung out like a couple, had sex, made-out like teenagers, watched movies, ate lunch together, basically had a great time. Then, the job ends and he goes back to CA without so much as a kiss goodbye, He just said... maybe i'll see on the next job, hugged me, and left. WTF?

Problem is, I developed feelings... so now I'm upset. Did he just completely use me? Or is it possible that due to my "whatever" attitude he figured I didn't have feelings for him, so why bother keeping in touch? Should I ask him myself what the deal is, or will that just freak him out? We don't communicate very often...

VictorM's advice:

Did he use you for sex? No. "Use," in this case, implies having sex under false pretenses. Doesn't sound like it happened here.

Look, I would scream this from the top of mount Everest if I could: guys enjoy girls who are easy, during the moment of such opportunity, but it's rare when they think of such girls as serious relationship material. You were fun for the moment. And nothing more. And people seldom get a second chance to make a first impression.

You can ask him whatever you want. Why would you worry if it'll freak him out? You really have nothing to lose.

Submitted on Friday, December 25, 2009
By: shari
Age: 49
Location: maine
Question: I have been going to a orthopedic doctor since 2002, and the physician's assistant whose name is Chris, well I have had a crush on him since 2002. Well i have been going to see the ortho doctor from 2002-2009 for various medical problems. well when i have to see Chris for appts. well, he touches my leg, but not to be fresh or in a bad way, but he has also walked me out to the main entrance of the office with his arm around my shoulder. He has also mentioned that we joke around, but that he would never ever hurt me. And even a couple times when i had to see him for an appt, when he walked into the room, he raised his eyebrows in a way that led me to believe he liked me. But i think he is married, but has not mentioned anything about a wife, but did say he had a 3 yr old daughter.And lately when i do go in for an appt. he makes sure when i walk by him, he glances my way and smiles. And stupid me was not feeling well one day, and i just ignored him. i asked my sister if she felt he liked me or was i just fooling myself that he did like me and not just as a patient? I really do have a crush on him and have been having scenerios of what i would like to ask him or say to him, as far as him having a wife, but not tell him that i have a crush on him, as if he does not like me and he does have a wife or girlfriend, i don't want to embarrass myself and make things awkward, so that when i have to go see the doctor for something else down the line, i don't want to feel i put my foot in my mouth and make us both feel awkward. Help!!!

VictorM's advice:

You can tell by a raised eyebrow that someone likes you? That's almost superhero-like powers. :)

Before you do anything else, find out first if he's married or has a girlfriend. Next time you see him, compliment his shirt and ask if his wife picks his clothes.

Or, with your superhero powers, why don't you just read his mind? ;) (kidding, kidding)

Submitted on Friday, December 25, 2009
By: K
Age: 16
Question: thanks for the previous birthday wishes victor! :)
i have two separate questions, one about myself and one about my friend.

this one is about myself. so remember the guy i mentioned a few weeks ago? i'm nearly positive he likes me now. all the kids in our bio class act like they know he likes me, and we flirt and talk a lot. i was a little disappointed, however, when he didn't ask to see me right before school ended for xmas break. but last night i saw him at church and he said hi and had the hugest smile on his face. i was wondering if it would be weird to casually ask him to hang out over text? we text fairly often as it is, so it wouldn't be weird for me to start the conversation. and then i was thinking of asking him how his christmas was, and what he'll be doing for the rest of vacation. and then if he responds in a good way, i might mention watching a movie, in a friendly, no-pressure way. is that too aggressive, like should i just wait for him to make a move? :/

this question is about my friend. i have a good friend who i'm concerned about. last year she had this weird relationship going with a junior, when we were just freshmen. it never worked out because her parents wouldn't let her see a junior, and she was pretty torn up about it. also it didn't help that the guy didn't ease up on flirting with her, and he always pressured her to sneak out to see him. she never did (to my knowledge) but the whole ordeal was tough for her. during the summer, she was able to move on and she seemed to be doing really well at the beginning of the year. but now, he's started flirting with her even more, and sending her raunchy texts. she likes the attention, but i think he's completely out of line, especially since he has a girlfriend at college across the country. he makes sexual advances at her, and from seeing some of the stuff he's said to her, i'd almost call it sexual harassment. now she's saying that she wants to hang out with him "just as friends" which would never happen, ever. it would turn bad fast cuz i'm sure all he wants to do is take advantage of her. i've tried talking to her multiple times, the last few coming out really frank, but she just brushes it off and says that i need to know him to know that he wouldn't hurt her. maybe that's true, but still, the way he drags her along is awful. i'm extremely concerned she is going to rush into sex and other big decisions without thinking things through, and then look back soon after and regret everything. is there anything else i could possibly do for her? please help.

VictorM's advice:

On your question... I think it's generally a bad idea to ask a boy out because he's most likely to take you for granted after. It gives him too much control and often he gets cocky. A better approach is to open the door for him asking you out. For example, say to him that you'd love to go see Avatar but none of your friends is that interested and you'd hate to go alone. That opens the door for him to say "I'll go with you." This way you spend time together without you having been the one to ask. This works best because it accomplishes two important things: it inflates his ego to be the one asking, and it removes the risk of rejection for either of you.

As to your friend... leave her alone! You're being overprotective, and that's not what being a good friend is about. Life is about trying things and often learning the hard way. She needs to learn life lessons at her own pace. Good friends are there to help pick up the pieces. Your friend needs to explore this possibility with this boy. Sure, it can backfire, but there is a risk of her never giving it a chance and always wondering what "what if..." You don't have to encourage her meeting the guy, but you're better off just staying out of it. And if she gets hurt, do NOT say "I told you so." Just be there to help her deal with it.

Submitted on Friday, December 25, 2009
By: Riley
Age: 17
Location: SC
Question: Hey Victor,
is it a bad thing when a guy says that it's difficult to talk to me (but not others) online? I mean, we can talk fine in person and mess around often. Things seem fine to me both online and offline- am I just a boring person when it comes to IM?
Thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

I don't know what he means, but I doubt very much that boredom is the reason. I'd be more inclined to believe that he's more concerned about saying the right thing with you than with others. For some guys, if they are not being overly flirty or even crass, they are not having fun.

Submitted on Friday, December 25, 2009
By: Emily
Age: 25
Location: TX
Question: Is it ever a good idea to have sex with a former boyfriend?

VictorM's advice:

If you enjoy the sex, have no other expectations, and your value system is OK with it, sure. Having sex with someone you know and are comfortable can be fun. But, if you are thinking that the sex might lead to a reconciliation, you're most likely to be wrong.

Submitted on Friday, December 25, 2009
By: Tara
Age: 28
Question: This is slightly silly, but I just got out of a nasty break up and have been clutching at straws to help me move on.

I met a guy on holiday and we had one quick chat. He gave me several compliments and seemed to be interested, so when I returned home, I added him to my facebook. I probably wouldn't have taken it further than that but he got hold of me on the chat and we had a couple of long conversations. He asked for my email address and promised to write. A few days later, he sent me a long email. I replied briefly but with an encouraging flirty message. We also added each other to skype and had one chat but it did not go well as it was late at night for me, we have very different personalities, and it is hard to talk over skype with someone you hardly know. Nonetheless, he sent me another long email. I replied promptly with an equally long one of my own. I didn't hear from him afterward for several days and wondered if I turned him off, acted too keen etc.

He has said hello once over IM but I missed his message. Today he said hello again and we chatted briefly. He asked if I had been looking for him online, and I said no but that I noticed he didn't reply to my email. He said he had been really busy but hoping to see me online. In a joking way, I asked if my email had turned him off, and he said no, so I said I liked his emails and he should write me more. He said he would and "not to worry". I didn't like it when he said that because I never indicated I was worried, just that I noticed he didn't reply. The conversation after was a little stiff and awkward, as he didn't initiate much talk....he sounded pretty distracted. I asked a few questions about what he was doing for Christmas and his family, then wished him a nice Christmas. He said "Thanks I will email you" and then said he had to go.

Is this a sign he's lost interest or that my email turned him off? I don't like the way he suggested I had been looking for him online (we see each other online but I never message him first) or that I was worried not to have received a reply. What can I do to regain his interest?

VictorM's advice:

Oh come on, I think you're being overly picky. "Not to worry" is simply a common expression that people use to reinforce assurance; in no way does it suggest that he thinks you're actually worried. It's sorta like greeting someone by asking "How are you doing?" We really aren't asking for a detailed medical update.

The long emails simply will not continue. A couple of such emails are normal, but eventually, the guy runs out of things to say.

The only way to regain his interest is to move close to him. The odds that this, or any other guy, will be interested in a long distance relationship, with long emails as part of the deal, are very slim. And it'll be even harder to keep the interest if you're going to nitpick on even the most banal comments.

He'll keep some contact with you for a while because there is no point in burning this bridge. If he found you attractive -- and it appears he did -- he'll want to keep his foot on the door, but if you interpret that as being attracted to you, you're misjudging guys. You're a "just in case" type situation.

Submitted on Friday, December 25, 2009
By: mikayla
Age: 30
Location: italy
Question: Been on a 2nd date with a guy, but haven't heard from him in 5 days, after he dropped me off home, he said he will be in touch and let me know if he will be joining me for the new year's celebration etc, but haven't heard from him in 5 days. does that mean he is no longer interested?

VictorM's advice:

No. It just means he's not operating on your time table. He's probably waiting to see if a better offer comes for New Year's eve.

Submitted on Thursday, December 24, 2009
By: KitCat
Age: 21
Location: Tulsa, OK
Question: Every time I see my ex randomly, he acts all lovey-dovey (hugging me, trying to put his hands on my sides, my shoulders, trying to hold my hand) and tells me all this romantic stuff, but his ex, who is one of my friends, told me that he said he wishes I would leave him alone and stop coming onto him and that I really need to grow up. He also tells me he can't imagine me with anyone else and it angers him when I talk about dating, but tells the ex he wants me to move on and find someone new. I just have to know: WHAT IS HIS DEAL????!!!

VictorM's advice:

The deal is that he's an insecure control freak. Stay away from him.

Submitted on Thursday, December 24, 2009
By: Miranda
Age: 19
Location: Florida
Question: Sooo...I go to University of Miami with this guy that I've been crushing on since like last year. When we first got there, we were pretty chill and I used to hang out in the dorms with him but it was only on a friendship type thing. My best friend used to tell me that he was only that nice to me (buying me stuff and letting me crash in his room) because he liked me. I went over to his room once with her there and things got pretty awkward when a song came on and he decided to dance on me while I was on his bed. Anyway, upon returning to school this year he texted me asking how my summer went. He asked if we could hang out since he hadn't seen me in a while and of course I said sure. While I was there He was talking to another girl while we were chilling at his new place and he told the girl 'some girl' was over. Then when I asked him why he said that he got really upset. He claimed that we weren't as close as we used to be and he wanted us to get to the point where I could have clothes over his house and I could hang with him all the time. Now this coming from a friend was kind of weird because a girl and guy don't usually do that where I'm from and call themselves friends. I ended up staying with him over his house for about three days (wearing his clothes, him going out to get us food, etc.) While I was there he would always mess with me and want to cuddle with me but I was a bit distant because I didnt want to confuse him anymore than I didnt want to BE confused. During this time I stayed there he asked me all kinds of questions about what kind of guys I liked, what I dislike, my last boyfriend, and all kinds of other relationship questions. He even asked was I looking for a boyfriend yet he still referred to me as his friend. He even said he loves talking to me because he can be himself and he can talk about anything. He said it's almost like I'm his best guy friend except i'm definitely not a guy and I come in a better package. Now there's another girl in the picture too. He even told me he was "diggin her" but when I got over his house he did all he could to be close to me. I want to know what exactly does he think of me when he does me like that, and does he really truly only see me as his friend??? It's confusing to be treated like that!!

VictorM's advice:

Strange that you found it odd that he wanted you to have clothes over at his place but you wound up staying three days with him.

No, he doesn't see you as just a friend. He sees you as an attractive female whose company he enjoys and will continue to enjoy until such time as he gets a girlfriend. If, meanwhile, he gets from you more than cuddling, great, but at least what he gets now is better than nothing.

I'd say you're not really a friend -- you're filler.

Submitted on Thursday, December 24, 2009
By: renee
Age: 30
Location: michigan
Question: i have the worst luck with guys. i mean my father hates me and man, I never had a guy who loves me and sometimes i wonder why. i keep trying. i mean i get rejected repeatably. i'm not desperate but the only thing i can think of is that i'm not pretty at all, and that's the truth. but how do i stop the bleeding, i mean stop trying to find love?

VictorM's advice:

I don't think your looks are the issue. After all, when I'm out and about I see all kinds of unattractive people together.

I'd be more inclined to look at the statement that your father hates you. Why does he hate you? Is this a lifelong thing? Did it happen over some specific issue? Because frankly, something like that could be a better indicator as to why men run away from you. Write back and tell me more about your relationship with your father.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 23, 2009
By: emilee
Age: 21
Location: RI
Question: Hey,

There's this guy that I've known for a very long time and we've always been friends. He had a girlfriend for a long time, and they broke up. He told me how he really felt about me and we've been hanging out in group settings. Then we went out just the two of us, and this is where I'm confused. We went dutch on the check, but we went for coffee and he paid for that. And sometimes he would talk about his ex if it had something to do with what we were talking about. Was this just a friendly outing? Is he interested in me?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like you're someone he feels comfortable talking to. That's not a bad thing; it could lead to more. But as of now, I'd said he's just being friendly.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 23, 2009
By: Kim
Age: 22
Question: I had a relationship with this guy where we started off as just friends. We later started hanging out together (mostly at night time) and ended up having a few drinks and getting really close with one another. Eventually, it led to intimacy. Since then, he told me about this 'game' he plays called PUA (Pick Up Artist). In a way it was interesting yet lame. Although he's being forward with me, he also played his game on me (most likely just to get laid). But I'm very sexually and physically attracted to him, and yet we've been hanging out a few times a week for about 2 months now. When we drink his 'true' feelings come out, and he asks me to be his girlfriend numerous times. But I don't trust him even though I want to.

I've met his parents, his friends and I'm confused. He shows me that he's emotionally attached already, and somehow thinks I'M a player.. and just using HIM!

I was with him this weekend and his ex girlfriend called his house while we were about to have sex, he told me right away to tell her to not call his house again but i refused and waited to see what he would do. He asked her what she wanted and she said she just wanted to hang out sometime. He asked why he would hang out with someone who was with another man only 4 days after they broke up, which was supposidly a year ago. I got uncomfortable and said he's lame and has issues to solve and that i was leaving. So naturally he called her a big cock block said rude things to her and then said said he REALLY liked me and would do anything to just make me trust him. Then later on said he felt bad about some of the things he said to her because she was really a nice girl... He said he wasn't lying about the fact he didn't want anything to do with her, and hasn't talked to her for some time. She called back about 3 times and stopped.

I feel like he really does have feelings for me, yet I feel I have no respect from him considering when we do hang out, it's always at his place. And he always buys alcohol for us. We only recently went out together and it was to the bar and then to buy food for him to cook.

What should I do? Do we even have a chance at earning one another's trust? Is it worth it? Or am I just degrading myself more and more?

VictorM's advice:

Is he forcing you to go to his house all the time? I doubt it. You're choosing to go. If you don't have the willpower to assert yourself and have a balanced relationship, you'll always be degrading yourself. Work on that first before you even worry about the trust issue.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 23, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 30
Location: Portland
Question: Had a boyfriend for 4 months, we have been good friends since the 6th grade. We always had a thing for each other then he met a girl and was with her for 5 years, they lived together, got engaged, and the relationship was really bad so he called it off and moved back home. He called me after he moved back and we ended up dating. We did everything together and had the best time. We did the family thing, he treated me like a queen. After the first time of seeing each other after 5 years he was texting me the next day on how much he missed me with xoxo. he would always say how crazy i drove him during all these years we were friends. He was always complementing me, couldn't have asked for anything better. I can't say he used me for sex because we only did it a few times and there were some issues with him if you know what I mean. Well he had a close family member pass away and he pushed away and avoided me. He finally told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and that his head was all messed up. I knew he probably needed time since the last relationship. He said to me (and others) he doesn't want to date anyone ever again, he wants to be alone, if he couldn't handle a relationship with me why would he be with someone else, he's giving up on being happy....Could he really be telling me the truth? Is there a possibility he really can't be with anyone right now?
B1: Submit

VictorM's advice:

Nah. He simply lost interest in you and doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. Everything else he's saying is partly something he thinks right now, by mostly, it's designed to make you feel better and for you to let him go without making him feel like a creep. The truth is: he's not excited about you anymore and he's ready to move on.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: eliza
Age: 20
Question: So I am friends with this guy at my college that i recently transferred to. In the beginning of the year i could tell he liked me but i was already hooking up with this other guy and was only interested in him. Long story short, things didn't work out with the guy i was origionally interested in. My guy friend would text me every weekend telling me about all these parties and that i should go, he even asked me to come over and watch a movie twice but i turned him down since i still liked the other guy. Anyways-- ive been noticing my guy friend more and i really like his personality and that is making me more attracted to him but now he doesnt text me as much so i tried texting him one week and told him that i cut my chin open when i was drunk and had to go to the hospital. He was like aw im really sorry to hear that at least it wasnt anything to ruin your pretty face. So that left me confused. I see him at parties now and hes kinda distant i feel like i always have to talk to him first. The week before we left for winter break he was acting kinda like down and not as nice towards me. I texted him before i left to go home saying ill miss you have a great winter break and all he said was yeahh you too eliza. So i was upset but then i go home and he comments on my facebook status telling me to come to maryland (where he lives/ i go to school) then he IMS me on facebook saying hey eliza how is home? and i replied but he stopped answering. This guy is so confusing, what should i do?! and what is his deal?! Hes so hot and cold

VictorM's advice:

I wouldn't say he runs hot and cold; I'd say he runs flirty and not interested.

Guys are generally up for some flirty comment and attention seeking action from a pretty girl. That doesn't mean they want anything more than the casual flirtation (OK. they would take some sex too). There's no question: you're someone this guy finds attractive and it feeds his ego to get some attention from you. That's it. Period. Nothing more.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: BeccaCullen
Age: 14
Location: dhd
Question: Hayy Victor. thank you you are backkk

i need you help. see i like this guy and i think he likes me back. i want to tell him i like him but that might be awkward or he may not like me. i don't know what to do. like should i take the risk or is it not worth it because he is in some of my classes. thanjs sooo much!!!!!

VictorM's advice:

Do NOT tell him you like him. That usually just give guys the upper hand and they control the situation by playing you, even if they like you too.

Instead, smile at him, greet him using his name ("Hi, Jim"), and be friendly without being clingy.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: Tiff
Age: 24
Location: New York
Question: Do guys ever stay in relationships for reasons other than truly wanting to? Do they ever stay for convenience or because they are getting something out of it? Do they hang around for fear of hurting the female or to avoid looking like "the jerk"? Do guys ever pretend to be in relationships to keep a girl who is interested in them at bay? Or are guys as simple as "I don't want to be here, I'm gone", regardless of the reason? Just curious. Men claim to be simple, but I am always seeing examples that contradict this idea. How common are these things?

VictorM's advice:

Men are more prone to just walk away when things aren't working instead of what girls do all to often, which is to stay in the relationship hoping to change the guy. Guys usually don't have that kind of temperament. But men will do all of the things you described, yes, usually for the reasons you described.

See how simple we are? You have us all figured out already. :)

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: Kacy
Age: 18
Location: California
Question: I have this guy friend named Bobby and i think he might like me much more than just a friend. I like him a lot more than just a friend. He is constantly light heartily teasing me, always touching me (not in a bad way) when ever we talk, but he constantly talks about other girls when he is around me. At first I thought he was just trying to make me jealous but now i think that maybe he just thinks of me as one of his guy friends. Is that what he thinks? or am i just over analyzing everything way too much? I need help.

VictorM's advice:

He could be talking to you about other girls to access your reaction and see if you're bothered by it or no, not as a way to make you jealous, but as a way to gauge your interest in him.

If you fear he thinks you're just one of the guys, make sure that stops. I don't suggest that you tell him how you feel as I think that almost always backfires. What I suggest you do is behave with him as if you're a date, not a pal. Dress sexier, wear perfume, reveal more skin, invade his space (that is, stand a little closer to him than you do now), hold your eye contact a little longer than usual, etc.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: Sandra
Age: 19
Location: New York
Question: Me and my boyfriend had been dating for a year and before him and I ever got sexual he claimed that he was still a virgin. Now I know that it doesn't matter if he is or isn't but for some weird reasons, I really want to know the truth. Him and I had been very honest to one another and when it comes to this question he would always say yes I am. Now am I just being crazy wanting to know the truth or just leave it alone?

VictorM's advice:

So, what's your name, Rey or Sandra? :) (For everyone wondering what I mean, read the Q+A below -- same person asking both questions, I'm certain).

You are a jealous, mistrusting type, aren't you?

If guys lie about their virginity, it's usually the other way around, that is, they claim to not be virgins even if they still are. Seldom do guys lie the other way around. Unless they are going out with a jealous psychopath. :-p

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: Rey
Age: 19
Location: California
Question: Hi, ok so I have been dating this guy for about a year. Him and I have a pretty good stable relationship we spend everyday together, and know each other very well, our intimacy is good as well. But we argue like a lot; truthfully because of me. I'll admit it that I am a jealous type, and I try to get over things he done but it still upsets me. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it really does.

Like six months into our relationship I found out he flirts with girls on his myspace and he calls them sweetie etc. I am disgusted and pissed off by this, we argued about this and now him and i don't have a myspace anymore. Or like he still has pictures of his exs, or girls he hungout with and I was really hurt by this and I told him the first time i saw those pictures that it bothers me, and I wanted him to delete it. He didn't until about 2 months afterwards, when we argued again; he told me to go delete it myself. And of course I did.

Or in public he doesn't hold my hands like he rarely does, we discussed about this before and he was like: next time when you want to hold my hand just do it. I am totally upset because he knows how I am and it's like he still does it.

And when I told him for us to take pictures he doesn't want to, and every picture I do have of us it's because I suggest or forced him. and this one time him and I saw this girl he used to have a crushed on and he just totally frozed. i was like, um your wallet? Then he like came back to reality or something. But I don't know I just need an answer. Is he just a jerk or am I being way too jealous?

VictorM's advice:

I'm not going to defend him -- he sounds like an immature twit. But you are a sick girl. The kind of jealousy you describe will sabotage every relationship you have. Sure, this guy could do a lot better to appease you, but you'd find reasons to distrust him no matter what. Seek professional therapy. Seriously.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: Shannon
Age: 29
Location: Indiana
Question: This may sound like a stupid question, but I am going to ask anyway, lol

There is a man in my life that I have been spending alot of time with. He's very caring, we make each other laugh, he cooks for me, we talk about everything! We have had sex before, but fairly infrequently. I always tried not to b/c I knew he was dating other women and I had feelings so I was trying to avoid upsetting myself and the situation. He tries every once in awhile, but I always decline...

So my question is, I have strong feelings for this man, and I feel like he may have feelings for me too, but I may also be mistaking it for friendship. By not trying to be more intimate with him am I putting my self in the friend zone? Is it okay to give in to try and show him what a "real" relationship would be like with me? I always felt like sex got in the way of getting to really know someone so I thought it was more important to really connect on a more emotional level (although we have already had sex so I suppose I may have screwed that up, lol). What do I do here?

Thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

Not a stupid question at all.

Do NOT have sex with him. If you do, you just fall into the "friends with benefits" area, and that seldom leads to anything serious.

He's trying you out for size at his own slow pace. Turning him down for sex is a plus for you. But friendship is not what he's after. Eventually, he'll either make a serious move on you, or you two will drift apart whenever he finds a suitable girl.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: Natalia
Age: 14
Location: Florida
Question: There's this guy that Ive had quite the history with. He would tease me all the time in seventh grade about how he loved me so much but I never took any of it seriously because he had a girlfriend. Once eight grade started and we didn't see each other as much I started to really miss him and have different feelings for him. But now in math he's always telling me he loves me and is always giving me hugs. How can I tell if he's serious and not joking about his feelings for me, because i really like him.

VictorM's advice:

He's not serious.

He says he loves you because he knows you like him and getting your attention makes him feel good. If he was serious, he wouldn't be saying it all the time without making a move. And as for the hugging, guys just love touching girls and being touched by them. It's just a fun thing to do. But don't give up. Something could develop. Just it hasn't yet.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
By: Remona
Age: 30
Location: Australia
Question: I really like this guy i work with... what does it mean when he talks to me about past relationships and tells me pick up stories, but without too much detail? He knows i really like him more than a friend.

VictorM's advice:

If he knows you like him, he's in total control and can't help himself but to play with your emotions, not with malice, but to boost his ego. He tells you those things to make you fight for him. This doesn't mean he likes you in return -- although he might; it's just a situation that lifts his ego.

Submitted on Monday, December 21, 2009
By: Miriah
Age: 18
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Question: While at a party when I was letting loose I met this guy and he really caught my eye we just kissed a little and exchanged numbers.... We've been texting for about a month or longer at least every other day. We've gotten to the stage of sending nudies haha =] and talking about what we're gonna do, if you get my drift....

Well the other day he invited me to his house so I said it's time to do what I said I was all about!! So were walking in and me thinking it was just us, I sit on his bed and hear people talking... His parents were home I really wasn't expecting that! He told me to go introduce myself so very akwardly I walk in the kitchen and meet them. I felt so weird because I wasn't expecting his parents! We go back to his room after practically being interrogated and watch tv and things settle down.... Well we actually jump to the sex I don't know how (hormones).... I have the sex hair and my shirt all stretched out laying down so comfortable, then his grandparents, uncle, aunt and their three kids show up and I meet them too all smelling like this guy... The second time going out there wasn't that bad! They all really liked me especially his grandmother.

Ok here's the weird part, I liked it all! I had such a good day with him and can't get him out of my head I don't know what it is! But he really don't text as much now as I was expecting after a day with his family and all.... so I'm getting like all sad! What do I do? I mean do I mean anything if he took me around his family? What do you think? Please please SOS!!!

VictorM's advice:

Lower your expectations about the texting. Guys simply don't maintain the same level of texting as they did in the beginning. It happens just about all the time. It's not just this guy and by itself, it's no reflection of his interest, or lack of it, in you.

Meeting his family sounds like a good sign.

Submitted on Monday, December 21, 2009
By: Jenni
Age: 21
Location: NV
Question: I went on 4 dates with a guy, and we really seemed to have great chemistry. After date number 4, he left and said something to the effect of 'there's more where that came from.' We talked fine for the next few days, but all of a sudden he didn't really respond too much and didn't seem to care anymore. I confronted him about it and he said he just didn't think he wanted a relationship right now and it wasn't that he didn't like me, he just is so bent on doing well in school and working to pay it off that that doesn't leave much time. He also said maybe next semester.

Is this him trying to let me down easy, or is this something he really means? I really liked this guy and I just don't know if I should be moving on instead of waiting around.

VictorM's advice:

Yeah, he's trying to let you down easy. He's gotten over you. There will be no next semester. He's moved on.

How do I know? Because he only talked about wanting to do well in school AFTER the confrontation that he was being distant. If he had good intentions, he would have told you that before, not after.

When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, he means he doesn't want one with you.

Submitted on Monday, December 21, 2009
By: Linnea
Age: 19
Location: LA
Question: Hey Victor, I know this site is supposed to be giving advices to girls but I was wondering if you could help my friend with this 'little' problem.

So, well, I've this friend, he was together with this girl and she was just perfect to him until she went totally random, she was hot and she was cold. She'd be lovely to him one day and the other day she'd barely talk to him. After a while he got kinda tired her randomness and small lies and decided to break up. Anyway, after 2 weeks she texted him because her grandma died (he has no idea why she texted him out of nothing), he replied and that was it. Then 2 days ago or so they were mailing, just messing around/joking and when they said good night to each other she called him "love".

We've been wondering what does she want with him, because she told him she was falling for another guy, so this just doesn't make sense.

Please enlighten us! Thanks :).

VictorM's advice:

Calling someone "love" is simply a term of endearment. Now that they have moved further away from being a couple, she feels comfortable calling him that. The term, as used, has no relationship whatsoever to love, the feeling.

I'm back. Ready for new, exciting, and somewhat legible questions. :)

Bring them on!

As you can tell by the closed submit form, I'll be away for a little over a week.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 08, 2009
By: Deanna
Age: 23
Location: Toronto
Question: Ok here it is. Just got out of serious long-term relationship in which the sex was terrible. Absolutely terrible. Decided to hook up with friend. Made "fuck buddy" agreement with friend. Proceeded to have some of the best times of my life. This guy is seriously the best at pleasuring me of all the men I've been with! Had a lot of fun over the weekend, it was awesome! However, he was nervous and had a bit of trouble getting it up, so we didn't wind up actually having sex, just fooling around (believe me, it was still awesome, at least for me). He was really attentive all weekend. He said he loved pleasuring me, but I was never actually able to make him orgasm. But on the last day, when I was leaving, he wasn't attentive at all, he was just like, "goodbye, Deanna". (I was also not attentive, but I think I was kind of obviously nervous, and things felt a bit awkward). Was he annoyed that I didn't make him cum (or for some other reason that I'm not aware of, like maybe I was coming off as too clingy or something, I sure was complimenting him a lot) on or was he just being casual because it's a casual thing? Or has he just lost interest? Can I call him up for sex? How long should I wait before doing so? Am I totally over-thinking this? Thank you so much for your help.

VictorM's advice:

He may feel awkward that he wasn't able to get hard with you but when that happens, guys don't blame the girl, they just feel bad about it. Being nervous is a common reason for difficulty in reaching an erection. Some guys need to establish a level of trust with the girl before they can relax. Try it again. And again. And again. Chances are he'll be fine, as long as he notices that you still enjoy being with him.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 08, 2009
By: brittt
Age: 15
Location: lasalle
Question: so, there's this guy and my best friend ended things with him about a month ago and she moved on. i've liked him since before they even started talking but never told her because all of a sudden they were dating. can i start talking to him? or would it be bad for my friendship?

VictorM's advice:

This is girl stuff, so I should stayed out of it seeing as guys and girls handle this situation quite differently. If you were a guy liking a friend's former girlfriend, I'd say go for it. But girls have these weird rules about it. It seems, from what I have gathered, that the wise thing to do would be to talk to your best friend, tell her what you're thinking, and see if she would have a problem with it. If she does, you have to decide which of the two is more important to you; if she doesn't have a problem, the coast will be clear.

So ladies... thoughts?

Submitted on Tuesday, December 08, 2009
By: Anna
Age: 28
Location: CA
Question: I've been dating this guy for a year now, we said our "love you" to each other, we have great sex and great relationship. Few weeks ago I found out that he was married and has a kid, I confronted him and he admitted. I was in shock that all this time he didn't tell me the truth. I lost my trust in him. After few days of lots and lots of thinking I decided that I would give us another chance that I would try to understand him and support him. Yesterday he told me that he will leave the country for a year to help with his father's business. I'm not sure what to do, how to react. Should we continue our relationship as LDR, or should we split? Should I be closer to him before he leaves or should I detach myself from him little by little, because LDR usually don't work, especially if there is missing trust? My heart tells me "I love you" my mind tells me "move on". Please help me. Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

I'm missing something... where is the wife in all of this? I'm going to assume she's out of the picture, otherwise this question makes no sense to me.

What's the point of breaking up now if you'll be wondering if you should have tried? I say try to stick around and give the LDR a try. Sure, the odds are low, but it's not like you're going to waste a lot of your time. He'll either respond and keep you satisfied in the relationship, or you'll move on if you're not happy about it.

Even if things don't work out, you'll have more closure having tried than if you simply walk away now. And that will be important.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 08, 2009
By: Marie
Age: 45
Location: Washington State
Question: I have been communicating via emails and phone calls with an old high school friend for the last month or so..we talk one way or the other everyday..mostly about work and other little things. I know that sounds a little old fashion but we live in two different states and I was wondering if it would be inappropriate for me to ask him what his intentions and/or feelings are about me at this early stage. I don't think either one of us want to waste our time..I am a, lets not beat around the bush kind of person and he seems a little more on the shy side..Do I talk to him about it or just wait?

VictorM's advice:

I understand you being a direct person but I think it's too early for that talk for 2 reasons:

1. One month is nothing in terms of a guy trying to assess a girl, more so when long distance is involved. If he's doing to develop any romantic interest in you, there's a good chance he's not done so yet.

2. It is presumptuous of you to ask considering you talk mostly about work and other little things. Without any kind of flirting, why would you even consider that he has any intentions beyond just touching base with an old friend?

The major problem here is that while he may be curious about you, since he has not formed any attachment to you, a direct question might spook him away. On the other hand, if you give yourself a little more time for you both to get to know the other, he may start developing feelings for you.

Now I'm going to contradict myself because I think one thing changes everything: the long distance. The odds of anything other than online flirtation happening are very small. Guys just don't do the long distance thing well. In this case, if you continue to talk to this guy expecting a relationship, I fear you are wasting your time -- it probably won't happen. So asking him and getting it over with would save you time.

Pick the option that makes the most sense to you.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 08, 2009
By: Anonymous
Age: 14
Location: Essex
Question: I know i'm young but i really need help because it still effects me?
Okay, so there's this boy i really like. And i REALLY like him. In year 7 he used to hang out with me and my big group of friends (boys and girls) and we always used to flirt and we were really close! We liked each other but never went out. At one point the whole feeling got me so stressed and worked up i used to sit their crying when i was talking to him about things and i got so upset when he used to flirt with other girls (i know, it's jealousy, i just couldn't help it).

Then there was this massive break up between the boys and girls in our group of friends and we all became to 'hate' each other. After this was solved we all slowly grew close again, but we just have never been as close as we were before.

Sadly, this boy stopped hanging out with us. So it went on for ages and i didn't talk to him until one day i decided to talk to him and after that i began to like him. This was around the middle of year 8 i think. Since then, i've always liked him. But for the last 6 months or more i have liked him so much that it has hit me.

We began getting really close but now we seem so far apart. I try telling him i like him but i don't think he cares. And everyone knows that i like him. I get jelous, upset, annoyed, angry, and every emotion you could think of with him. But when we start talking properly i become so happy. It's like my emotions revolve around him?

And yes everyone tells me just get over it and move on but I CAN'T! It's so hard. And it makes me so stressed and upset. I think to myself why do i like him? The only answer i can think of is 'becuase of everything he does!'. Everyone says he's not worth it. He's just a flirt, player (i don't think he is), he wraps you round his little finger and all he wants is a sexual relationship. but i know he's more than that! And i'm not looking for a sexual relationship, i'm looking for so much more! I like him so much, but i know i'm to young to love? I'm guessing it's just a really bad crush!

This may seems so pathetic because i'm just 14. But please help me. I find it so hard. Why do i like him so much? I hate myself for liking him. But why can't i help it? What do i do? What about him? I know he don't like me but how do i handle that?

VictorM's advice:

Why should you try not to like him? You like him, it makes you happy being around him or getting his attention. What's wrong with that? Having a crush, or being in love, are wonderful feelings. It can be fun. So... make it fun!

Whatever time you get with him, just make it a good time. Laugh, tell jokes, talk about things he likes. Don't worry about yesterday and don't think about tomorrow. Just enjoy NOW. This moment with him. Stop putting pressure on yourself to explain things. You like him. Period.

If you relax around him, he'll seek you out more. Don't talk about your feelings, no confessions, no deep conversations; just fun times.

There is no guarantee that he will respond or feel the same way about you that you feel about him. And who knows, in a month or two you may not feel as strongly about him. But none of that should matter because you can't control any of it.

Give it a try. See how it goes. If it doesn't work out, write back. We'll think of something else.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 08, 2009
By: anonymous
Question: Hi Victor,

You have been a huge help to me in the past and I really could use your advice at this time.

My story is that I was friends first with my neighbor and then we started seeing each other after he and his girlfriend broke up...I fell pretty hard for this guy and very quickly, I may add. He told me that he liked me a lot, but did not want to mess things up and wanted to take it real slow with me, as he just got out of a relationship and does not want me to be a rebound person. He said the last thing he would want to do is hurt me. He also said he needs time and space and that he has to be happy with himself before he can commit to someone. He has said that he wants to make sure that this is what he wants and that it may take him a long time to come around and he doesn't know if I will still be waiting for him, so to go ahead and live my life- even if it means to date others. He said he probably won't date and claims that dating is the furthest thing from his list right now. So, we went from texting, phone calls and hanging out, going out on dates, having sex to a big nothing. He doesn't call, text or ask to see me suddenly--and on top of it, he is now gone constantly every nite now. I do believe he is hanging out at a particular bar, even though he doesn't drink. I know he goes through periods where he hangs there a lot. He did warn me that he may pull away, but it has happened now so quick..it is making me a wreck inside. I know he knows I have more feelings for him than he probably does for me, because he said once that he is not used to having someone wear their heart on their sleeve for him. Also, he has said he wants to make sure my feelings are valid, since I fell so hard so fast.

So, Victor, what gives? Is this is a test or do you think he is really looking to find someone else out there? Or what do you think is going on with this guy?

By the way, I have refrained from contacting him and am not going to let him know how much his distance is hurting me. If and when I do run into him outside, I will just smile and be my friendly self and play it cool.

If I did not live next door to him, this would not be so brutally painful.

VictorM's advice:

He's not into you romantically. He never was. He gave it a try but very early on he knew. So he then proceed to do what he thought was right to let you down easy. Stop dreaming -- he's not into you at all.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 08, 2009
By: Molly
Age: 26
Location: Ohio
Question: *sighs* ok me and my baby's father have been together for 6 years. we just had our second daughter on October 29th, 2009.

Unfortunately he is pretty abusive sometimes, mostly mentally. But I've stuck it out a million times. ((I know))

Well I found out he was talking to some girl behind my back and I called him out on it.

And like typical him he decided he was done with me, on the grounds of "I'm not happy!"

Now this has happened a lot, probably once a year for about 4 years now and he always comes back.

Either because I convince him to or because he thinks I've found someone else so he gets jealous.

I know he is still talking to this girl and lately he's been hanging out with me a lot, and even slept with me night before last. I asked about the girl again yesterday and BAM it's back to "I don't ever want to be with you again"

Lemme be honest, I am a good looking girl. I am not conceited but I'm also not blind. I work, I go to school and I take care of EVERYTHING around the house && with the kids.

I love him and I can't help it. How can I make this cycle end. He's 27 years old and you'd think by now he'd realize it's time to settle all this shit down and put his family first.

His logic for leaving me doesn't make sense and the girls he shows interest in have NOTHING on me...again really, I'm not conceited it's just god's honest ok?

Can I make him stop? I have a problem with bugging him and trying to get him to come home. I mean I look at these girls everyday and I see what could be and everyday my heart hurts more.

What should I do, honestly from a guy's perspective. How can I play it so he realizes he can't keep doing this or he's gonna lose me forever? Or should I give it up (I really don't want to, as crazy as that sounds I know)

Thanks ahead of time.

VictorM's advice:

When you say "I love him and I can't help it" you're already defeating yourself. You're at his mercy. You have surrender and given him control of your life. Nothing that I will suggest will work because you have no power.

He's not worried about your threats that he's going to lose you because he knows you can't help it but stay.

Your good looks have nothing to do with what other girls he talks to. Guys don't do comparison shopping and stick only with the prettiest one. It's the proverbial "I love filet mignon but once in a while a hamburger is great."

Lastly, you're committing the cardinal sin: you're asking what you can do to change HIM, when in reality, you're the one that needs to change and recognize that abusive, cheating guys are not good for you.

Submitted on Monday, December 07, 2009
By: Sierra
Age: 14
Location: USA
Question: I really Really Need help I've checked on here Every time I've tried to Ask a question And theres been No Reply..... Anyways one of my best guy Friends I've liked for a year And he started being a really big flirt. So I asked him out. He said no. But that only seemed to make us Closer. And he would wait for me in school like when he knew he would see me. Or I would meet him Everyday after school where we talk and end it with a hug. Then all of a sudden he stopped talking/passing notes with me... And then He waited after school for me but he WOULD not give me a hug, I started to walk away and he told me he was kidding and pulled me in for a hug anyways. But then after that He wouldn't wait for me AT ALL... SO I waited a week to see what was up. And He told me I can just act like his friend it would be much easier...? And now I have his EX girlfriend Texting me All the things he's saying about me.. I confronted him. He said he would never in his life say those things. And so I told her off... And he GOT soooo mad at me.. He won't even look at me. And he also thinks I'm lying about her cheating on him. I'm not lying to him and he says he's really confused... (The only way we talk now is by messaging over the internet).... What do you think I really Need some Advice

VictorM's advice:

Never get between a guy and his girlfriend, much less with rumors. If she's wrong for him, he needs to find out on his own.

Never believe the words of an ex. Never.

Anyway... guys get over being mad in a few days. Just stay nice on the messenger and soon enough, all will be forgotten.

PS. Who is Cici?

Submitted on Monday, December 07, 2009
By: Heather
Age: 30
Location: Mechanicsburg, PA
Question: Been seeing my brother's friend for about 3 months now. I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone else. Every time we seem to get really close, spend the weekend together or have an awesome long conversation, he disappears for a week or two. He doesn't call or text or anything. And sometimes when he is in disappear mode, he won't even return all my calls or texts. After a week or two, he pops back into my life and has some excuse, like he was busy with work or stressed, etc. This has happened twice now in the 3 months. I don't know what to do. He is so attentive and loving all the rest of the time. I am beginning to think he is just not that into me....What does the disappearing act mean?

VictorM's advice:

Being attentive and loving is a reflection of his personality, not of his feelings for you. Chances are that he's not that into you, at least not yet.

Submitted on Sunday, December 06, 2009
By: isabella
Age: 23
Location: zurich
Question: I am a 23 year old virgin, is that a turnoff?

VictorM's advice:

It is a turn off if all he's after is sex but it's a big plus if the guy is serious. For a serious relationship, most guys prefer a girl with as little sexual experience as possible.

Submitted on Sunday, December 06, 2009
By: Casey
Age: 13
Location: New York
Question: I like a guy with a girlfriend. I've noticed signs that he likes me too. He always makes eye contact, even if he's talking to everyone in general, he tends to focus on me. There's other things I've noticed, but that's the real biggie. He sits across me in Science, and he was talking to the girl beside him about how she was sad about a guy, and I heard him say, "Yeah, I know how you feel. But I don't think Casey would date me." I don't think he knew I was paying attention. I'm almost 100% I heard him say this, but I don't want to believe it because I might just be imagining it. I don't want to ask the girl he was talking to about it, because I would look stupid if he didn't say it. What should I do? He has a girlfriend, and I don't want to ruin their relationship but I just like him a lot.

VictorM's advice:

Chances are that it was your imagination "hearing" that conversation.

He has a girlfriend. Stay out of it no matter how much you like him. But stay friendly -- smile a lot and greet him using his name. You never know when they'll break up.

Submitted on Saturday, December 05, 2009
By: Holly
Age: 20
Location: California
Question: I have been seeing this guy for 2 years now, it has been in the complicated stage almost the whole time, but he's in the army so i don't know if it's that or is he just putting me on hold? It's hard cause we were best friends for 2 year before we started things. I am so in love with him, and he says he is too but some times i feel like he doesn't want to do this anymore? What should i do?

VictorM's advice:

What you should do is stop making excuses for him. Being in the army is no reason for things being complicated the whole time. The next thing you need to do is stop paying attention to his words and focus on his actions and how they make you feel. People sometimes have to walk away from someone they love if they are not happy.

Submitted on Friday, December 04, 2009
By: Meredith
Age: 28
Location: Boston, MA
Question: I'll make this quick: Slept with a guy I work with on two different occasions while him and his girlfriend were broken up. They are back together now and I am in a great relationship with a great guy. Even though we hooked up a long time ago I still feel weird at work. How should I act?

VictorM's advice:

You feel weird, in part, because you have a memory. What you need is that device from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to selectively remove those incidents. Absent that, the piece of memory linking you two will always play a role in your interaction.

You should act like someone who wouldn't do the same thing again. Keeping your distance and feeling weird around him sends that message.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 02, 2009
By: Anonymous
Age: 29
Location: Midwest
Question: Ok I will try and keep this as short as possible! I met this guy at a club one night, he was friends with a guy I used to work with. A few too many later, things happened. We hung out for about a month, then we went out one night, and while he was sleeping I went through his phone (my face is red trust me). I saw he was talking to several other girls, I woke him up, told him, then left. Few days later, positive pregnancy test. Explains to me why I went through his phone. I have never done, nor even thought of doing something like that?! And I was talking to ther guys too, so in hind site it wasn't even a big deal?! Anyway, he was super supportive while I was pregnant, although not as available as I needed, but we made it through.

Flash forward, our daughter is two months old. I was taking her over there every other day, and staying during this time. We always had great chemistry together, and now that the hormones were subsiding it was definitely back. He says he wants to try a relationship with me, since we had never really tried to be together. 3 days later, we decide, me b/c his feelings were seeming forced (with the exception of the first day), and him, I think he just took the out I gave him.

Flash forward, my daughter is almost five months old. I still have those same feelings, although mine have now amplified. I tell him that I think I feel a little differently about him than he does me, and it is best if I stop hanging around while he spends time with the baby.

I thought the distance would help, and it has, but I still see/deal with him regularly. Occasionally he asks me to stay while the baby is there. I have a couple of times, but I usually just leave and come back.

Throughout this entire ordeal (pregnancy through now) I know he has dated other women. In all honesty he is quite the man-whore if you will. I have only slept with him three or four times since the birth of our daughter. I still feel like we have a great chemistry, but my question is this...is it possible he still has feelings but isn't ready for a committed relationship (he has been divorced almost 2 years) or I am staying somewhat optimistic about a family I will never have? What do I do here?

You're help is appreciated b/c I don't want there to be an emotional strain on me that I take out on him b/c I don't want to hurt the relationship we need to have for our daughter.

Thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

I'm sorry but there were a few things about your question that weren't clear to me and rather than assume, I'm going to ask you to write back and clarify.

1. You said: "He says he wants to try a relationship with me, since we had never really tried to be together. 3 days later, we decide, me b/c his feelings were seeming forced (with the exception of the first day), and him, I think he just took the out I gave him." Did you mean "3 days later, we decide NOT TO"?

2. You said: "I tell him that I think I feel a little differently about him than he does me" - Does that mean that you told him you have stronger feelings for him than he does for you? If so, what was his response?

3. Have you dated other men during this period?

As soon as I get a reply, I'll do by best to give you an answer right away.

Here's the follow up:

I am following up with the answers to your questions about my "Few Days Later, Positive Pregnancy test" post.

1. Yes, I am sorry, I meant "we decided NOT TO be together".
2. I said it to him exactly the way I wrote it...and my meaning was I have feelings for you, you have no feelings for me. His response was, "well if you think that's what you need to do, then you gotta do what you gotta do I guess."

3. And yes, I have TRIED to date other men during this time (not during my pregnancy, but afterward), but I think it was more out of a distraction for myself. No one sparked my interest, and all I could think about was him.

We talked about my feelings for him a few days after I told him one night when I came to pick up my daughter. We were trying to discuss a scheduling conflict, and he said I frustrate him. I told him he frustrated me sometimes too, and his response was "why did you say what you said the other day if I make you feel that way". I told him he had other redeeming qualities, and that there was a lot of emotion involved for me with him. I told him I didn't want to talk about it, that it was a dead issue, I just needed to get my feelings off my chest b/c it was causing some pent up frustration to come out and I wanted him to know where that frustration was coming from...I didn't want to hear the reasons he didn't want to be with me, I just accepted the fact he doesn't...end of story! His response was, "did you ever think maybe it's not you that it's me? I just got divorced last year, and relationship is the last thing on my mind". I took that as a man's approach to letting me down easy.

I know that's probably more info than you were looking for, but this situation is very emotional and complicated for me. There is a lot at stake here, but I really want a man's opinion on why he is doing what he's doing. If he doesn't want to be with me then why does he ask me to hang around all the time, and call me about stupid things when he knows I am trying to work through my feelings so I can be with someone who actually wants to be with me? I guess that's where in the back of my mind I feel like there is a chance that he may be considering things...but at this point I can't trust my own judgement, lol! We believe what we want to believe sometimes.

Thanks again for listening to my long-winded post, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Thank again :)

VictorM's advice:

It's clear to me that he does not have feelings for you. And you're right, the "it's not you, it's me" comment is just a way to let you down easy.

So why does he seek you and want your company if he's not in love with you? Well, just because he's not in love does not mean he hates you; in fact, it sounds like he likes you as a person, enjoys you as a woman, and has fun in your company. Guys need not have feelings to enjoy a woman.

Besides, you confessed your feelings for him. That's almost always a mistake. In essence, you gave him complete control over the situation. It's like selling a house and pricing it at $400,000 but telling a prospective buyer that you'd sell for $320,000. Who in their right mind would offer you the $400,00? Your situation doesn't involved money, but it does involve you telling him he has your heart without even trying.

But further, the biggest problem is that almost nothing boosts a guy's ego like being around a woman who likes him more than he likes her. He seeks you out because it inflates his ego just knowing that you crave him. He doesn't want you to stop feeling that way; he likes you around as his personal ego booster.

Please notice: what I said above about him does not mean that he thinks those things at a conscientious level. It's not a plan, it's not premeditated. At a conscientious level, he does it because he enjoys your company. Period.

Submitted on Thursday, December 03, 2009
By: K
Age: 16
Question: Hey Victor,

There's a guy that I like and I wonder if he likes me back. We talk fairly often and it's always so easy to chat with him. He teases me nicely and smiles a lot. We don't really text or IM that much but when we do he usually starts the conversation. Also, we sit next to each other in class and I've noticed that he mimics me, like when I sit back and stretch out my legs, he'll do the same, and if I sit forward and lean on the desk he'll do it too. He's kind of on the quiet/shy side so I don't want to force myself on him. I have no clue if he likes me as a friend or as more. What do you think? What would be some other definite signs? Thank you!!

VictorM's advice:

Did you just have a birthday? Last time you wrote you were 15. If that's so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Around your age group it's always hard to know his feelings because most often, the guy doesn't know it himself. Boys around your age are still in a very curious and exploratory mode about girls. That means they tend to be more interested in quantity than quality.

It's safe to say that you're someone he's paying a lot of attention to, and that generally signals interest. Being shy, it's normal that he won't try to make it too obvious. But the other thing to consider is: is he doing similar things with other girls in other classes? It's quite possible he is.

So my suggestion is for you to not worry about that too much for now. If you like him, you need to smile at him, greet him using his name (people remember you more if you use their name), and when appropriate and when you're sincere, pay him a compliment about something he's wearing, about a haircut, about an accomplishment in sports or music or whatever he's good at. This is the best way to have him start gravitating towards you more than any other girl.

Submitted on Thursday, December 03, 2009
By: Robin
Age: 28
Location: Ohio
Question: I've been seeing this guy pretty consistently for about a month now, about twice a week. We seem to really hit it off and are having a lot of fun spending time together and we talk a few times a week as well. I like how everything is going so far, but I would like it better if I had a clearer idea of what exactly we are. I want to ask him his thoughts on this, but I'm not sure if it's too early to bring it up, or even how to approach the subject. Should I wait a little while longer or what?

VictorM's advice:

Wait!

I always say that in matters of romance, you should move at the pace of the slowest of the two partners. The guy should yield to the girl's wishes when it comes to sex, for example, and conversely, the girl should yield to the guy's wishes about being formally in a relationship. And the reason is that both parties should only do something when they are emotionally ready for it. Putting pressure on one or the other to make them do something before either is ready will most likely backfire sooner or later.

Enjoy what you have now -- it's the best way to produce enjoyment down the road.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 02, 2009
By: Katy
Age: 21
Location: MA
Question: How do I get my boyfriend to realize how stressed his laziness makes me?

I go to college full-time and also work a part-time job. I do not like it but I an often stressed. My boyfriend lives with me and I pay for every meal and comfort he has. Granted, he has been on countless interviews and filled out even more applications over the last year and a half. But, no job! I fell in love with a man that does not even have a high school diploma. Otherwise, our relationship is great. I know he respects what I tell him about this but I think he feels out of options at this point.

I need him to realize the seriousness of this issue. How do I get across to him?

VictorM's advice:

You don't think he realizes the seriousness of the situation? If that is true, I don't know what to tell you. But you call it "laziness" and yet you say he went on countless interviews. So it doesn't sound like he's sitting on his ass.

The reality is that the unemployment rate is very high and more so for someone without a high school diploma. His current job situation can't be too much of a surprise to you. Even if he gets a job, how much can he earn? Not much, I fear. The reality is that you will most likely always be the bread winner.

Does he clean, wash, cook, and keep the place up when he's not looking for a job? Because if he does, there's a lot of value there and you should recognize his contributions. Sometimes nothing boosts an ego like a compliment and recognition of effort. If he doesn't do enough around the house, he should.

But in hard times, we help our loved ones as long as they are trying their best. Love isn't just about fucking, kissing, and love songs -- it's sacrificing for those we love. Maybe you're just being given an opportunity to test your true feelings for the guy.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 02, 2009
By: sara
Age: 22
Location: NC
Question: what are some ways to ask my ex boyfriend out again without making him feel pressured? Or maybe even him just want me back.

We dated for 1 year and everything was very well we had a few small fights but nothing to break up over. For 2 months now we have been seeing a lot less of each other and he still calls me a few times a weeks, and we hang out almost every weekend. hes said he still loves me and cares alot about me. I asked him back out a few weeks after we broke up and he said no hes not ready for that right now. I think its been long enough, and i just don't want to be alone for christmas. What are some ways i can ask him so he doesn't want to jump right to no as the answer?

VictorM's advice:

You just don't want to be alone for Christmas? Well, whatever you tell him, don't tell him that. But you don't have to bother telling him anything. Your ex boyfriend is really done with you.

If you are under the impression that the current contact is a sign that he still wants to get back together, you'd be wrong. The contact is part of the normal process of breaking up. Sometimes the breakup happens cold-turkey but most often it happens slowly. Telling you that he still loves you (not to be confused with "being in love") and still cares are natural ways for him to keep your spirits up so that his guilt over the consequences of the breakup decreases. But he's going through a weaning process. He does love you, he does care, but not as a couple anymore.

Besides, remember all those "small" fights you had? Whatever caused them hasn't gone away. Those fights would come back after a while. He knows that.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 02, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 25
Location: Denver,Colo
Question: Do you think its ok for your gf/bf to leave flirtatious comments on other girls pages/pictures? Example:Found on Facebook that my boyfriend had left a pic comment about some girl's ass looking nice. And before another pic comment with some girls tits hanging out saying "Looking good chica!;)" I mean WTF? Thanks :D

VictorM's advice:

That's not a question for me to answer; it's for you to decide.

Is there fundamentally something wrong with his comments? Not necessarily. But a lot of it depends on the type of relationship you have. Some girlfriends may mind, some may not. It's something that you two should talk about. But don't approach him as if he's doing something wrong -- that will only get him defensive. Simply state your feelings about him leaving such comments. Talk only about what it does to you. Say things like "I don't like it when..." "I feel insulted..." "I feel disrespected..." "I would prefer that..." etc. Always start with "I."

Submitted on Wednesday, December 02, 2009
By: Annie Lindy
Age: 18
Location: Louisiana
Question: Okay... so I have been crushing on my high school coach for about 2 years now, and I'm about to graduate. Where do I go from here? He's not married. We're pretty close. Example: when I was visiting a college, he had a tournament there that same weekend, so I stopped by and watched him play. Keep in mind, I was with my Mom this whole time. Well... she left for a while and we talked while he was reffing another game for like an hour, but whatever. And then he told me that I was the first girl to ever see him play competitively. I'm guessing he meant girl as in player? but idk... So should I just contact him after I graduate to see how things are going and see how he acts at that point? Btw, I swear I'm not one of those creepy high school girls, and he's not a creep either. I just think we could actually possibly have a legitimate relationship.

VictorM's advice:

Whatever you do, wait till after you graduate. After that, why not? If you've liked him that long and there's a chance he could reciprocate, why not?

But keep in mind that anything you do now could ruin his professional life. Liking him implies an obligation on your part to protect him from that fate.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 02, 2009
By: Sara
Age: 45
Location: Texas
Question: I started seeing this guy about 2 months ago. We have quite a bit in common and get along very well. We live a couple of hours away from one another but have managed to see each other at least once a week. He has gone from alot of texting to daily or nightly phone calls, still with a fair amount of texting. He initiates most of the communication. Sounds great right? Well, at the same time I've gone from "Baby" to "Girl" almost overnight. He couldn't reach me today (my cell died) multiple times, and was a little bothered by that. He mentioned in tonight's conversation that he was afraid he liked me more than he should and it was scary not knowing where this is going. This is where your divine guidance comes into play, what do I do or say here? Do I bring this up again or just let it go and see what happens? Again, I really feel a difference in the air.

VictorM's advice:

There's no point in bringing it up. It's not like there's something you can do or say to alter his anxiety. In fact, it's part of the process, so let him dwell on it.

It's not comforting to know that the attention he's giving you is decreasing and the terms of endearment are lessening, but even when there is no decrease in interest, it's normal for guys to reduce their enthusiasm. Guys operate under different modes during the courtship phase, where they are attentive and go out of their way to seduce you, than after it, when they get into a more relaxed, or lazy, mode once they feel the mission has been accomplished. So, looked at this alone, his behavior is not necessarily a big deal.

Also, coming to terms with the fact that he may really be into you more than he expected can be disconcerting to him because not only is it unexpected, but attachment to someone else does open the doors for possible hurt and vulnerabilities. He'll wade through the pros and cons in a more dispassionate way than as a woman you would. It's simply one of the many differences between males and females. Do not take his calculated thought process personally.

Having said this, there is something troubling about the whole relationship, in part because of the distance. Guys are notorious for being more physical than females, and needing the face to face presence to a greater degree. Over time, this could be a significant road block.

I suggest you simply give him the breathing room, without putting any pressure on him or becoming distant, to let him work these things out in his mind.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 01, 2009
By: sheila
Age: 30
Location: Ohio
Question: I'm 30 year old attractive woman. I thought it all figured out. I would take my time on the dating scene and get it right. Well I ran into this guy who was going through a rough divorce. That was a red flag I know. I told him to get some space and I really didn't want to get involved. I knew him previously from park visits with kids and always thought he was so hot. Well eventually we began to talk. He told me he really needed me in his life. To make a long story short, he started staying with me and his best friend's house. He was really heartbroken that his wife cheated for the upteenth time. We had many nights of talks of them, I listened. At first I had him on my couch many nights, then he ended up in my bedroom. We started to feel something mutually. I met his 5 kids, he met my one.

Well after months of convincing from him, I finally opened my heart. I started asking for his attention. I think he became a little arrogant. When things got too much for him, he dumped me pretty bad. Unsure if he started to date someone else or because he finally got his new place. Either one was still bad..

After seven months, he kept sending text messages to check on me. I had been dodging him for months. I still missed him (he was a sweet guy). I finally decided to listen to him, and he finally apologized and wanted to take things slow. I realize I couldn't handle it. He remained arrogant and I began snapping reminding him of how much he used me and think I ran him off. Shouldn't he expect this, should I leave him alone? I am sooo confused because I wish it could have worked, but unsure if it ever could.

VictorM's advice:

It will never work out.

Life has a funny way of sending you these signals about people who aren't a good match for you. You have focused on his arrogance. But if he was a good match for you, you'd see it as confidence.

You tried it more than once with the same results. Continuing to try is insanity.

You're really not confused, you're disappointed. That's a big difference. That is, you're not in a situation where you don't know what to do; you're in a situation where you need to find the strength to do what you need to do.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 01, 2009
By: Irene
Age: 22
Location: California
Question: Hey!
What is your take on persistent guys? Specifically persistent guys who know you have a boyfriend and who you've explained the situation to, but he's still trying to win you over? Thing is, I actually do like him but I'm wondering if these pushy signs raise a red flag if I were to consider dating him?

VictorM's advice:

In our culture, persistence is looked upon as a good thing. But there is a fine line between persistence and pushy. You use both terms as if they were synonyms, but they are not. How can you tell the difference? One will make you good about yourself, the other will make you want to set his testicles on fire.

In any case, it seems that your current relationship is not on solid ground. Maybe this guy senses it.

Submitted on Monday, November 30, 2009
By: Jenny
Age: 17
Location: NJ
Question: So I've been hanging out and talking with this guy for about a month now, and I really don't know what we are..he calls me cute nicknames and texts me whenever he wakes up and goes to sleep, and we've hooked up a few times but he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend. I really don't think he's just using me as someone to get with, because he never just ignores me after hooking up. Should I just not expect for him to ask me to be his gf or should I wait it out?

VictorM's advice:

Once you start doing girlfriend things before you're a guy's girlfriend, such as hooking up with a guy, you're setting a bad precedent. He's basically getting all he wants without the obligations, responsibilities, and commitment. Why should he want anything to change?

Submitted on Monday, November 30, 2009
By: NotTellingU
Age: 23
Location: mn
Question: so I met a guy in eharmony and everything was cool we met online in like a day chatted it up for like a month via phone and internet. Then I get a call from a nurse recently and found out bad news that there is a possibility i may have hpv. Doubtful but whatev. Haven't had a p smear in like 3 years...so...immeadiately I text him and ask him to pray for me..We're both "christians for the most part". I didn't tell him what exactly it was about..then I found out that it could be hpv so I freak out. I text him "OMgosh if this is what they think it is then I'm never going to date or marry; so please don't be mad at me if i cut off all contact from you if the results are true." Then he asked "what is it" Of course I didn't tell him yet.. (Mind you we never met in person and that weekend we were suppposed to for the first time) He text me later and was like "are you sure you want to meet on Saturday?" I was thinking why would he ask me such a ridiculous question when he was soooo interested in meeting me..I asked him that then he was like " Well the way you said you would just cut off all conversation makes me a little hesitant." So I explained myself that I was just worried that he might not want to talk to me or whatever and all that jazz...Then the next day I text him and I was like if you don't want to be with me and just be friends with me I'd understand. Then I told him that it could be hpv. We were also supposed to skype that night. Then he was like texting me " Do you think we can wait to meet the next time?" I was very upset because no matter what if i was him i still would have met the person even as friends. Then I'm mad at him and didn't text him. Then coincidently we bothe were on facebook and i wrote that all guys were shallow etc etc.. Then he text me and was like " Shallow? You act like this is my fault" I told him to leave me alone becuase he's just making this worse ..so he text me "sorry I'll be praying for you." He didn't talk to me for a day. Then I was upset because I figured he was just another guy with bad intentions trying to sleep with me and I text him how i felt. Then he text me back and insisted I was judging him and told me his ex girlfriend had hpv and he was going to marry her and all that jazz. SO i didn't really believe him and I text him how I'm not dumb because I've been forced to have sex by more than one guy..however he was insisting he's not like all other guys. later I told him i was sorry and that I was depressed and i didn't know how to handle it. He never text me back then I was still upset and told him that he owed me an apology for stuff he's said. Then Later I text him and apoligized that I was being a jerk and if he wanted to text or call I'd leave him alone until he called. Then a day went by still nothing so I wrote him a message on facebook and it said " Well you've got what you've wanted. I deleted all your information..sorry I didn't get a chance to get to know you." Then I deleted him and a day has gone by...Truth be told I really really like him a lot..and i still wanted to be at least friends with him...Do you think he cares? He didn't respond back to me. I still want to meet him in person as friends. Is there a chance or did i screw it all up? What can be done in the future?

VictorM's advice:

I don't even know why I'm posting this question... dear lord, what a massive drama queen you are.

He sure is a better man than me, with his "sorry I'll be praying for you." He deserves a Nobel Prize of some sort for not going bonkers on you.

Leave the guy alone. Guys have no interest in "friends only" with attractive members of the opposite sex.

Submitted on Monday, November 30, 2009
By: tracy
Age: 21
Question: So its been like a mouth or so since the guy i was hooking up with for four months just lost interest in me/stopped talking to me. I go to the same college as him and when i see him around he does not even say hi, it's so rude since he was the one who ended it without a word! Anyways, I don't understand why i keep thinking about him all the time, I miss him. I don't even know why... yes he was cute, yes he talked a lot which i liked and i felt comfortable with him, but most times he was aloof and i felt like he only wanted to see me when it was convenient for him. I mean deep down I am mad since he just broke it off out of nowhere and i feel rejected, however I still find myself constantly thinking about him and wishing i could see him and kiss him again. Why is this? help! its so frustrating!

VictorM's advice:

It boils down to this: when we're wounded by someone, that someone is the best person to heal our wounds in the short term. But this wound is not physical, it's emotional. Him paying attention to you again would relieve you of this "pain." Or so you think anyway.

The next best thing to heal your wound other than the source of that wound? Time! Time is a healer. You just need to allow yourself to suffer (what you are going through is normal; after all, you are in emotional pain), and be patient because in time you will get over him.

Submitted on Sunday, November 29, 2009
By: cassie
Age: 28
Location: california
Question: My boyfriend, 40, of one year told me he had two children with two different women. He now tells me a year later, after I asked because of something that I saw on myspace, that he has six children with three different woman. He says he has a relationship with all his kids and talks to them all the time, but I know he doesn't see them that much because they live in another city. He has never been married and tells me that he wants to marry me someday. I do love him, but should I tell him goodbye for good? Every time I go to break up with him I hesitate. He tells me he didn't tell me in the beginning because he knows I would have never dated him--which is true.

VictorM's advice:

"he wants to marry me someday" -- Are you serious? Those are the words of a certifiable liar. How much you want to bet he said the same thing to those three other women, and god knows how many more? You may want to excuse his big lies under "the ends justify the means" bullshit, but the man is a big time liar.

But I know... you love him. sigh