Monday, November 30, 2009
joke-flirt
Submitted on Sunday, November 29, 2009
By: Katie
Age: 19
Location: LA
Question: Hey Victor!
I've been talking to this guy for like a month now and we've been "flirting" ever since, but it's not a real flirt, it's more like joke-flirt you know? Anyways, I'm afraid of getting feelings for him because I don't know where I got him, I know we are friends and I personally doubt we'll ever have something else to be honest, I don't know what to do. Also I don't trust him because of his friends, they are such jerks, it's like a wall, it just doesn't let me trust him because of that.
What do you think I should do? Break off contact with him to avoid all this sh*t or keep talking and see where it leads? I really don't wanna be broken heart again or have someone betraying me...
Thanks :)!
VictorM's advice:
A joke flirt with friends who are jerks. Does that sound like a good combination to you? There is something to be said about the company a guy keeps reflecting the type of person he is.
By: Katie
Age: 19
Location: LA
Question: Hey Victor!
I've been talking to this guy for like a month now and we've been "flirting" ever since, but it's not a real flirt, it's more like joke-flirt you know? Anyways, I'm afraid of getting feelings for him because I don't know where I got him, I know we are friends and I personally doubt we'll ever have something else to be honest, I don't know what to do. Also I don't trust him because of his friends, they are such jerks, it's like a wall, it just doesn't let me trust him because of that.
What do you think I should do? Break off contact with him to avoid all this sh*t or keep talking and see where it leads? I really don't wanna be broken heart again or have someone betraying me...
Thanks :)!
VictorM's advice:
A joke flirt with friends who are jerks. Does that sound like a good combination to you? There is something to be said about the company a guy keeps reflecting the type of person he is.
He says technically she's a virgin
Submitted on Sunday, November 29, 2009
By: Worried Friend
Age: 15
Location: Texas
Question: My best friend Kelly has been talking to this guy for a while. Well they've done a few things too...but he says technically she's a virgin. This was in October...when he still had a girlfriend. They are still talking but he won't ask her out... they've kissed... and he's been in her pants. My question is..Do you think he actually likes her or is he just using her?
VictorM's advice:
If she knew he had a girlfriend when they "done a few things" then she's not being used; being a moron is no excuse.
If she allowed him into her pants hoping he'd ask her out, then I'd say she was the one doing the using. Not that he would mind, but still, that's manipulative.
I don't know if he likes her or not, but when a guy chooses not to pay full price for something (a relationship) because he's getting something for free (getting in her pants) his intentions are not good.
By: Worried Friend
Age: 15
Location: Texas
Question: My best friend Kelly has been talking to this guy for a while. Well they've done a few things too...but he says technically she's a virgin. This was in October...when he still had a girlfriend. They are still talking but he won't ask her out... they've kissed... and he's been in her pants. My question is..Do you think he actually likes her or is he just using her?
VictorM's advice:
If she knew he had a girlfriend when they "done a few things" then she's not being used; being a moron is no excuse.
If she allowed him into her pants hoping he'd ask her out, then I'd say she was the one doing the using. Not that he would mind, but still, that's manipulative.
I don't know if he likes her or not, but when a guy chooses not to pay full price for something (a relationship) because he's getting something for free (getting in her pants) his intentions are not good.
He adores and worships curvy women
Submitted on Saturday, November 28, 2009
By: Adrianna
Age: 23
Location: NYC
Question: I've recently started dating my best friend, Dan. The realization that we had romantic feelings for each other was kind of shocking to me because I knew that we weren't each other's "physical" types. While we were just best friends, Dan would often talk about how much he adores and worships curvy women with bigger hips and butt... it was often the first thing that he'd mention about a particular person he dated, for example, or the most immediate, instinctual response he'd have to a lot of our banter about what we like. And, well, that's the type of woman that he fantasized about constantly and sought out in his porn viewing. It's the only type of woman he's dated and lusted after, apparently.
I'm the total opposite of that type: petite, very slim, with small hips and butt. Now that we've just begun dating, I've been having a lot of doubts about whether he'd be able to be in a serious relationship with me and still be genuinely and completely happy with my body. I'd be really devastated if he thought he were settling in the body area so that he could really benefit in other areas, like emotionally and in terms of personality and compatibility. It seems like he'd logically have to think he was settling though, in the body type area, since I'm just not his physical type. How important is it for a guy to date a girl who is his "physical type", especially for a young guy with a huge sex drive?
VictorM's advice:
What an awesome question.
Attraction is NEVER about the other person; it's about how you feel about yourself around that person. If a guy feels good about himself around a girl, he doesn't care what she looks like. It is true, however, that to feel good about a girl, he has to feel she's attractive, that he's comfortable with her style, but "type" as you described, becomes meaningless.
Don't believe me? Just ask yourself, how many of the guys you know are going out with, and are serious about, a girl that purely on looks could be a porn star? I'm betting not very many.
The truth is we are infused on a daily basis by movies, TV, magazines, etc with different images of what constitutes perfection in a female body. And so we fantasize about whatever stereotype we are most likely to form an imprint of at the time we became sexually aware.
Every guy I know likes the curvy hips and big butts type. That's because porn sells the girl with the bouncy butt checks and the perky tits -- they photograph well; protruding hip bones are not as appealing in tight close ups, hence the popularity of women like Alexis Texas and Anna Nicole Smith types (both from Texas, by the way, and you know what they say about everything being bigger in Texas... ;))
I'm also not aware of any guy who likes just one type of woman. Again, the stereotype is to brag about the girl with the most distinct features, but in reality, most of us see gold in different shapes, heights, weights, colors, etc. Guys are as apt to make comments about a woman's "big melons" as they are about the girl with the "perky little tits."
When we think of women as purely sexual beings and see them as just an outer shell of flesh, butt, and boobs, we revert to stereotypes. But it all changes when we get beneath the surface, when we get to know her, and especially when we fall in love.
So, when in public, his eyes may continue to pay more attention to the Jennifer Lopez look-alikes walking by, but in a real sense, she wouldn't hold a candle to you as long as he's in love with.
By: Adrianna
Age: 23
Location: NYC
Question: I've recently started dating my best friend, Dan. The realization that we had romantic feelings for each other was kind of shocking to me because I knew that we weren't each other's "physical" types. While we were just best friends, Dan would often talk about how much he adores and worships curvy women with bigger hips and butt... it was often the first thing that he'd mention about a particular person he dated, for example, or the most immediate, instinctual response he'd have to a lot of our banter about what we like. And, well, that's the type of woman that he fantasized about constantly and sought out in his porn viewing. It's the only type of woman he's dated and lusted after, apparently.
I'm the total opposite of that type: petite, very slim, with small hips and butt. Now that we've just begun dating, I've been having a lot of doubts about whether he'd be able to be in a serious relationship with me and still be genuinely and completely happy with my body. I'd be really devastated if he thought he were settling in the body area so that he could really benefit in other areas, like emotionally and in terms of personality and compatibility. It seems like he'd logically have to think he was settling though, in the body type area, since I'm just not his physical type. How important is it for a guy to date a girl who is his "physical type", especially for a young guy with a huge sex drive?
VictorM's advice:
What an awesome question.
Attraction is NEVER about the other person; it's about how you feel about yourself around that person. If a guy feels good about himself around a girl, he doesn't care what she looks like. It is true, however, that to feel good about a girl, he has to feel she's attractive, that he's comfortable with her style, but "type" as you described, becomes meaningless.
Don't believe me? Just ask yourself, how many of the guys you know are going out with, and are serious about, a girl that purely on looks could be a porn star? I'm betting not very many.
The truth is we are infused on a daily basis by movies, TV, magazines, etc with different images of what constitutes perfection in a female body. And so we fantasize about whatever stereotype we are most likely to form an imprint of at the time we became sexually aware.
Every guy I know likes the curvy hips and big butts type. That's because porn sells the girl with the bouncy butt checks and the perky tits -- they photograph well; protruding hip bones are not as appealing in tight close ups, hence the popularity of women like Alexis Texas and Anna Nicole Smith types (both from Texas, by the way, and you know what they say about everything being bigger in Texas... ;))
I'm also not aware of any guy who likes just one type of woman. Again, the stereotype is to brag about the girl with the most distinct features, but in reality, most of us see gold in different shapes, heights, weights, colors, etc. Guys are as apt to make comments about a woman's "big melons" as they are about the girl with the "perky little tits."
When we think of women as purely sexual beings and see them as just an outer shell of flesh, butt, and boobs, we revert to stereotypes. But it all changes when we get beneath the surface, when we get to know her, and especially when we fall in love.
So, when in public, his eyes may continue to pay more attention to the Jennifer Lopez look-alikes walking by, but in a real sense, she wouldn't hold a candle to you as long as he's in love with.
A dart to his ego
Submitted on Saturday, November 28, 2009
By: Wolfy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hi hi Mr. V,
When me and my ex broke up, I felt good; I didn't talk to him or even think of him after that. I got a new boyfriend and he is really wonderful, but then my ex started calling me at random times and just talking about random things...it seemed like he was trying to hint that in the future, my feelings would change. Not too long ago, he calls again and he asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him yeah and asked him if he has a girlfriend...he laughed so loud and told me that he had a girlfriend right after we broke up and when I told him i had my boyfriend after we broke up, he didn't believe me and passed it off like it was a dart to his ego. Do you think he was trying to make me jealous or feel bad or is it just him expressing his ego?
VictorM's advice:
Ego!
With guys, it's a safe bet that ego is the driver for just about everything they do and say.
By: Wolfy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hi hi Mr. V,
When me and my ex broke up, I felt good; I didn't talk to him or even think of him after that. I got a new boyfriend and he is really wonderful, but then my ex started calling me at random times and just talking about random things...it seemed like he was trying to hint that in the future, my feelings would change. Not too long ago, he calls again and he asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him yeah and asked him if he has a girlfriend...he laughed so loud and told me that he had a girlfriend right after we broke up and when I told him i had my boyfriend after we broke up, he didn't believe me and passed it off like it was a dart to his ego. Do you think he was trying to make me jealous or feel bad or is it just him expressing his ego?
VictorM's advice:
Ego!
With guys, it's a safe bet that ego is the driver for just about everything they do and say.
He grabbed my hand and held it
Submitted on Saturday, November 28, 2009
By: Meagan
Age: 15
Location: Texas
Question: This guy in one of my classes (who I happen to like) always seems to touch me for one reason or another, this includes rubbing my back, and touching my arm. He asked to borrow a pencil one time and so I handed it to him, and he grabbed my hand and held it. I really want to know if these are signs he likes me, because I don't wanna be embarrassed if I ask him out and he says no. Thanks for the help, Meagan
VictorM's advice:
He may very well like you, but the examples you give do not mean that's the only reason he touches you. Guys like touching girls, period. They don't even have to like the girl to want to do it.
You need to look for other signs. Meanwhile, smile, be nice, and let him ask you out if he wants.
By: Meagan
Age: 15
Location: Texas
Question: This guy in one of my classes (who I happen to like) always seems to touch me for one reason or another, this includes rubbing my back, and touching my arm. He asked to borrow a pencil one time and so I handed it to him, and he grabbed my hand and held it. I really want to know if these are signs he likes me, because I don't wanna be embarrassed if I ask him out and he says no. Thanks for the help, Meagan
VictorM's advice:
He may very well like you, but the examples you give do not mean that's the only reason he touches you. Guys like touching girls, period. They don't even have to like the girl to want to do it.
You need to look for other signs. Meanwhile, smile, be nice, and let him ask you out if he wants.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
All contact has ceased since he went on a date
Submitted on Friday, November 27, 2009
By: Keira
Age: 21
Location: Lansing
Question: I have briefly been seeing a guy who I work with. We hit it off immediately, and have hung out a couple of times (movies, coffee, etc.). He mentioned before we became close that he was also trying to date another girl, at the time I was comfortable with that. We used to talk frequently (daily, we both work at computers all day) but all contact has ceased since he went on a date with this other girl. I have been polite and given him space, not wanting to look desperate, but it has been nearly 2 weeks since we last spoke. Should I just assume he has chosen the other girl and move on? Should I attempt to reestablish the friendship we had before?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should assume he has chosen the other girl.
No, do not attempt to resume the friendship. He is the one who broke it off, therefore it's up to him to reestablish it if and when he ever feels ready.
By: Keira
Age: 21
Location: Lansing
Question: I have briefly been seeing a guy who I work with. We hit it off immediately, and have hung out a couple of times (movies, coffee, etc.). He mentioned before we became close that he was also trying to date another girl, at the time I was comfortable with that. We used to talk frequently (daily, we both work at computers all day) but all contact has ceased since he went on a date with this other girl. I have been polite and given him space, not wanting to look desperate, but it has been nearly 2 weeks since we last spoke. Should I just assume he has chosen the other girl and move on? Should I attempt to reestablish the friendship we had before?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should assume he has chosen the other girl.
No, do not attempt to resume the friendship. He is the one who broke it off, therefore it's up to him to reestablish it if and when he ever feels ready.
I am curious about sleeping with an older man
Submitted on Friday, November 27, 2009
By: Dazed & Confused
Age: 24 yrs. old
Location: Florida
Question: An older co worker and I flirt a lot. I know he wants to sleep with me and I am curious about sleeping with an older man but the issue is he's a big flirt in general. I don't expect a serious relationship but I also don't want to feel used. He does not call me on weekends or anything. How do I know or how can I make it so that I'm not just another conquest on his list?
VictorM's advice:
You can't control what other people will think about any situation. Will he consider you a conquest? You can bet on it. And will he beat his chest just to himself, or will be brag about it to other at work? I'm willing to bet that discretion will not last.
There are older men outside of work who would like to sleep with you, I'm sure.
By: Dazed & Confused
Age: 24 yrs. old
Location: Florida
Question: An older co worker and I flirt a lot. I know he wants to sleep with me and I am curious about sleeping with an older man but the issue is he's a big flirt in general. I don't expect a serious relationship but I also don't want to feel used. He does not call me on weekends or anything. How do I know or how can I make it so that I'm not just another conquest on his list?
VictorM's advice:
You can't control what other people will think about any situation. Will he consider you a conquest? You can bet on it. And will he beat his chest just to himself, or will be brag about it to other at work? I'm willing to bet that discretion will not last.
There are older men outside of work who would like to sleep with you, I'm sure.
He says he is always so very very tired
Submitted on Friday, November 27, 2009
By: Anne
Age: 22
Location: Netherlands
Question: Hi there!
I have been seeing a guy for almost 3 months now, he is very nice to me and i like him a lot. However he is very busy with work, his music, sports, his friends and he says he is always so very very tired etc.
I feel like I am not anywhere near the top of his list anymore. The difficult thing is that in one month I will be leaving to Finland for 6 months for my study.... He knew it from the beginning. Should I just accept that he is not making time for me now because I will be the one who will be gone for such a long time? How can I keep him interested during the time I will be gone? (he did say he would come visit)
VictorM's advice:
I don't think your trip to Finland is the issue -- he's just not that into you. You can't keep him interested now, much less when you're away.
It's time to say "doei" or "vaarwel" or "dag." Take your pick.
By: Anne
Age: 22
Location: Netherlands
Question: Hi there!
I have been seeing a guy for almost 3 months now, he is very nice to me and i like him a lot. However he is very busy with work, his music, sports, his friends and he says he is always so very very tired etc.
I feel like I am not anywhere near the top of his list anymore. The difficult thing is that in one month I will be leaving to Finland for 6 months for my study.... He knew it from the beginning. Should I just accept that he is not making time for me now because I will be the one who will be gone for such a long time? How can I keep him interested during the time I will be gone? (he did say he would come visit)
VictorM's advice:
I don't think your trip to Finland is the issue -- he's just not that into you. You can't keep him interested now, much less when you're away.
It's time to say "doei" or "vaarwel" or "dag." Take your pick.
Everything's still up in the air
Submitted on Friday, November 27, 2009
By: Angela
Age: 22
Location: Texas
Question: I went out with this guy, and we seemed to have a nice dinner. At the end, he says we should do something in the city next time. I paused and hesitated, and he said that we'll figure it out later. I talked to him later, and he seemed a bit different. And, we don't really talk like we used to. A few days later, I asked if he wanted to go out on Friday, and he said he's busy but he'll let me know and asked where I want to go. He hasn't gotten back to me about anything. Everything's still up in the air. So, I'm pretty sure he's not ga-ga over me, but is this his way of rejection? I mean, if he didn't want to see me, he could have easily just said he's busy and leave it at that. He didn't have to follow up on my offer with questions. However, if he did really want to see me, he would have at least replied to me (for starters) and/or made an offer to meet me some other day. What is he thinking?
VictorM's advice:
His ego took a hit when you didn't jumped at his invitation, hence the bit of coldness coming from him, but he's not willing to write you off yet, hence the questions.
Where is it going to wind up? I can't say, but more often than not, when a guy has the wind taken out of his sails like he did, he's more likely than not to go sail somewhere else next time.
By: Angela
Age: 22
Location: Texas
Question: I went out with this guy, and we seemed to have a nice dinner. At the end, he says we should do something in the city next time. I paused and hesitated, and he said that we'll figure it out later. I talked to him later, and he seemed a bit different. And, we don't really talk like we used to. A few days later, I asked if he wanted to go out on Friday, and he said he's busy but he'll let me know and asked where I want to go. He hasn't gotten back to me about anything. Everything's still up in the air. So, I'm pretty sure he's not ga-ga over me, but is this his way of rejection? I mean, if he didn't want to see me, he could have easily just said he's busy and leave it at that. He didn't have to follow up on my offer with questions. However, if he did really want to see me, he would have at least replied to me (for starters) and/or made an offer to meet me some other day. What is he thinking?
VictorM's advice:
His ego took a hit when you didn't jumped at his invitation, hence the bit of coldness coming from him, but he's not willing to write you off yet, hence the questions.
Where is it going to wind up? I can't say, but more often than not, when a guy has the wind taken out of his sails like he did, he's more likely than not to go sail somewhere else next time.
He asked me to come over and watch a movie twice
Submitted on Friday, November 27, 2009
By: Meg
Age: 20
Question: So I am good friends with this guy I just met about 3 months ago. I could tell that he may have been interested in me since he asked me to come over and watch a movie twice. I turned him down both times though because i was hooking up with this other guy who I really liked. The guy friend and I went to a party a while back and the guy who I liked was there and we ended up leaving together and staying at his house over night. No sex though. Long story short, after 3 months of hooking up he just stopped talking to me.. what a jerk. So me and my guy friend still re mained friends through all of this but he texts me and is so nice but not as attractive as the guys I usually go for... however.. the attractive guys end up being cocky and just leaving me anyways. So... that being said I guess I'm not sure how to take it to the next level with my guy friend. I am not even sure if i fully even want to but I would like to give him a chance since he is soooo nice to me. He asked me to dinner with him and our other guy friend will but he paid for the dessert that we both ate since my card was acting up. He also invited me to go watch the meteor shower with him and always asks me if i need a ride and calls me love. He texted me over thanksgiving break asking how it was going and said that we should chill when we get back to college. What should I do? I think i need to get over superficial things such as looks. He is not ugly just not amazingly handsome either. However his personality just lights up a room and he is a sweetheart.
VictorM's advice:
Well, lighting up a room and being a sweetheart are nice traits, but romance is also about sexual attraction. There's nothing superficial about wanting a partner who matches your expectations in that respect. As the saying goes: the people who say "it's what's on the inside that matters" are ugly people.
You're only 20 -- too young to settle for less than ideal.
By: Meg
Age: 20
Question: So I am good friends with this guy I just met about 3 months ago. I could tell that he may have been interested in me since he asked me to come over and watch a movie twice. I turned him down both times though because i was hooking up with this other guy who I really liked. The guy friend and I went to a party a while back and the guy who I liked was there and we ended up leaving together and staying at his house over night. No sex though. Long story short, after 3 months of hooking up he just stopped talking to me.. what a jerk. So me and my guy friend still re mained friends through all of this but he texts me and is so nice but not as attractive as the guys I usually go for... however.. the attractive guys end up being cocky and just leaving me anyways. So... that being said I guess I'm not sure how to take it to the next level with my guy friend. I am not even sure if i fully even want to but I would like to give him a chance since he is soooo nice to me. He asked me to dinner with him and our other guy friend will but he paid for the dessert that we both ate since my card was acting up. He also invited me to go watch the meteor shower with him and always asks me if i need a ride and calls me love. He texted me over thanksgiving break asking how it was going and said that we should chill when we get back to college. What should I do? I think i need to get over superficial things such as looks. He is not ugly just not amazingly handsome either. However his personality just lights up a room and he is a sweetheart.
VictorM's advice:
Well, lighting up a room and being a sweetheart are nice traits, but romance is also about sexual attraction. There's nothing superficial about wanting a partner who matches your expectations in that respect. As the saying goes: the people who say "it's what's on the inside that matters" are ugly people.
You're only 20 -- too young to settle for less than ideal.
We have been inseparable
Submitted on Thursday, November 26, 2009
By: Wet_Blanket
Age: 30
Location: TX
Question: I've known this guy for about 3 months, and in that time we have become very close. The first night we met, we were very attracted to each other, fooled around for a bit but I told him no and he was fine with that. Since then we have been inseparable. We have the exact same interests, enjoy each other's company, long conversations. He calls me almost every single day, and we hang out a couple times a week. We've even slept in the same bed but he hasn't tried to touch me. He has invited me over to meet his family and he has met my Mother (which was his idea). He is completely interested in my life, family, childhood, etc. He has made it a point to tell me on one occasion that he canceled a date with another girl to hang out with me and my Mom. I'm sure you going...so what's the problem? Well, I'm a little confused because he makes it a point of telling me all the time what a great "friend" I am. And he is constantly mentioning attempting to go out on dates with other women. Then in the next breath he tells me how beautiful and awesome I am and how I am his best friend. I happened to have a date with a gentleman a couple of weeks ago, and he texted me during the date asking me how it was going, lol. When I spoke to him the next day and told him that it was probably the first and last date, his reply was "great, more time for me!"...then he was like "awww, I'm just playing". Then he mentioned something about Plan B being to stalk the guy if I wanted to see him again...which of course he again laughed off as just being protective of me. He makes comments like this all the time. Ummm, I'm confused. Does any of what I described indicate that he **may** have some sort of interest in taking things further at some point? Should I just flat out ask him? I'm afraid of doing that because I enjoy our friendship and don't want to weird him out. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Everything you say indicates he's sizing you up to decide if you're the type of girl worth taking things further with. One thing I can guarantee you: he'll either want to take things further down the road or will disappear on you; friendship is not what he's after.
At this point, he's making a conscientious decision: he's trading sex with you for freedom. He's enjoying your company without any obligations and responsibilities, while leaving his options open to meeting other women. The only "price" he's paying is he's getting no sex from you. For a lot of guys the trade off is worth it.
Don't ask him anything. Asking a guy about his intentions is in the top 10 dumbest questions of all time; you'll only push him to lie or be defensive, neither of which does you any good.
But the notion that you can hold on to this "friendship" is utter nonsense. If you don't become a couple, the moment one of you gets a lover, the "friendship" is doomed.
By: Wet_Blanket
Age: 30
Location: TX
Question: I've known this guy for about 3 months, and in that time we have become very close. The first night we met, we were very attracted to each other, fooled around for a bit but I told him no and he was fine with that. Since then we have been inseparable. We have the exact same interests, enjoy each other's company, long conversations. He calls me almost every single day, and we hang out a couple times a week. We've even slept in the same bed but he hasn't tried to touch me. He has invited me over to meet his family and he has met my Mother (which was his idea). He is completely interested in my life, family, childhood, etc. He has made it a point to tell me on one occasion that he canceled a date with another girl to hang out with me and my Mom. I'm sure you going...so what's the problem? Well, I'm a little confused because he makes it a point of telling me all the time what a great "friend" I am. And he is constantly mentioning attempting to go out on dates with other women. Then in the next breath he tells me how beautiful and awesome I am and how I am his best friend. I happened to have a date with a gentleman a couple of weeks ago, and he texted me during the date asking me how it was going, lol. When I spoke to him the next day and told him that it was probably the first and last date, his reply was "great, more time for me!"...then he was like "awww, I'm just playing". Then he mentioned something about Plan B being to stalk the guy if I wanted to see him again...which of course he again laughed off as just being protective of me. He makes comments like this all the time. Ummm, I'm confused. Does any of what I described indicate that he **may** have some sort of interest in taking things further at some point? Should I just flat out ask him? I'm afraid of doing that because I enjoy our friendship and don't want to weird him out. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Everything you say indicates he's sizing you up to decide if you're the type of girl worth taking things further with. One thing I can guarantee you: he'll either want to take things further down the road or will disappear on you; friendship is not what he's after.
At this point, he's making a conscientious decision: he's trading sex with you for freedom. He's enjoying your company without any obligations and responsibilities, while leaving his options open to meeting other women. The only "price" he's paying is he's getting no sex from you. For a lot of guys the trade off is worth it.
Don't ask him anything. Asking a guy about his intentions is in the top 10 dumbest questions of all time; you'll only push him to lie or be defensive, neither of which does you any good.
But the notion that you can hold on to this "friendship" is utter nonsense. If you don't become a couple, the moment one of you gets a lover, the "friendship" is doomed.
Friday, November 27, 2009
He's always a gentleman
Submitted on Thursday, November 26, 2009
By: Daphne
Age: 20
Location: Canterbury
Question: Hey Victor! I've been lurking on your blog for a while now, you're so wise! However, I've very recently began to see this guy, and I'm very confused!
We've gone out a couple of times, and the dates have all gone really well. He's been the one to ask me out again on all occasions, and he's always a gentleman. I'm pretty certain he doesn't just want sex, as we discussed it quite early on, and I told him I only have sex with a guy when in a serious relationship.
So, he basically told me that he's been seeing another girl besides me, and is unsure of who he prefers. I've been playing quite hard to get since I've been going out with him, something which he has mentioned. I may have amped it up a little as he mentioned he was not looking for a girlfriend when I first met him.
Anyways, he told me the other girl said she wants him to be exclusive already, and they've only been about about twice. I thought this was the type of behavior to push guys away, but yet he told me he may be leaning towards her, and that I've been making him work hard on our dates! And yet he says he still wants to see me.
I think I really like him, he's a good guy. Sooooo ... do you think I should show him I like him more (I'm not too good at this by the way!)? Or ... is he just not that into me? Just ... what are your thoughts on this? Haha, sorry for the essay!!
VictorM's advice:
Stay the course. Call his bluff.
The other girl, if she even exists, is giving him an ultimatum -- trust me, no guy likes that. She's not going to last.
If you tell him you like him you might as well wave goodbye to him. That confession is as bad as an ultimatum this early on.
The reason he wants to keep seeing you is because you're the mystery, the puzzle, the hardest conquest; you have staying power as long as you keep this up until he chooses you and makes it clear. Then, and only then, you let your guard down.
But I have to say, something sounds a bit fishy about this dual activity he talks about. Not the dating two girls and being open about it -- that's natural -- I'm referring to him telling you that he's leaning towards the other girl. It sounds like a mind game to me, a trick to dislodge from your current position. And this situation doesn't even jive: he says he prefers the other girl, she told him she wants exclusivity, yet he wants to keep seeing you? Fishy!
By: Daphne
Age: 20
Location: Canterbury
Question: Hey Victor! I've been lurking on your blog for a while now, you're so wise! However, I've very recently began to see this guy, and I'm very confused!
We've gone out a couple of times, and the dates have all gone really well. He's been the one to ask me out again on all occasions, and he's always a gentleman. I'm pretty certain he doesn't just want sex, as we discussed it quite early on, and I told him I only have sex with a guy when in a serious relationship.
So, he basically told me that he's been seeing another girl besides me, and is unsure of who he prefers. I've been playing quite hard to get since I've been going out with him, something which he has mentioned. I may have amped it up a little as he mentioned he was not looking for a girlfriend when I first met him.
Anyways, he told me the other girl said she wants him to be exclusive already, and they've only been about about twice. I thought this was the type of behavior to push guys away, but yet he told me he may be leaning towards her, and that I've been making him work hard on our dates! And yet he says he still wants to see me.
I think I really like him, he's a good guy. Sooooo ... do you think I should show him I like him more (I'm not too good at this by the way!)? Or ... is he just not that into me? Just ... what are your thoughts on this? Haha, sorry for the essay!!
VictorM's advice:
Stay the course. Call his bluff.
The other girl, if she even exists, is giving him an ultimatum -- trust me, no guy likes that. She's not going to last.
If you tell him you like him you might as well wave goodbye to him. That confession is as bad as an ultimatum this early on.
The reason he wants to keep seeing you is because you're the mystery, the puzzle, the hardest conquest; you have staying power as long as you keep this up until he chooses you and makes it clear. Then, and only then, you let your guard down.
But I have to say, something sounds a bit fishy about this dual activity he talks about. Not the dating two girls and being open about it -- that's natural -- I'm referring to him telling you that he's leaning towards the other girl. It sounds like a mind game to me, a trick to dislodge from your current position. And this situation doesn't even jive: he says he prefers the other girl, she told him she wants exclusivity, yet he wants to keep seeing you? Fishy!
I meet a guy when I was around 14
Submitted on Thursday, November 26, 2009
By: Betty
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: I meet a guy when I was around 14, he was my best friends, boyfriends best friend. I never found him attractive but I always felt good when I was around him and loved his personality. Slowly we grew closer together, he would call me every night and we would talk for hours. One day he asked me to be his girlfriend, a few days later I said yes. Even though I said yes, I felt of him as more a friend than a boyfriend. I wasn't feeling it, so I told him we were better off as friends. I thought we would stop talking and eventually just forget about each other and move on. But, he would still call me every night, and I loved his company just laughing and talking about everything. A couple of months passed and we were still friends, until one day I told him how I felt and I wanted to give us a chance to be in relationship. We got along great and I truly started to fall in love with him as he did too. We went out for five months and we broke up, mostly because I was really foolish and full of pride & scared. We both hurt each other. It was hard being without him but I knew things would get better. We have been apart since February, he would always IM and just act silly, so we would still talk frequently. This made me miss him more and not get over him as fast as I wanted. Now, he still talks to me but in a way just to see how I'm doing or just talk. Sometimes I wished I wouldn't talk to him but in another way I like him being in my life even if its for a little, because I do truly miss him. I don't know why he keeps wanting to talk, is he still interested in me in anyway? what can I do to show him how I feel?
VictorM's advice:
He still talks to you because he finds you attractive and enjoys your company. But that's not to say he's still interested in wanting a relationship. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
He seems like a reasonable guy, why not talk to him about how you feel?
By: Betty
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Question: I meet a guy when I was around 14, he was my best friends, boyfriends best friend. I never found him attractive but I always felt good when I was around him and loved his personality. Slowly we grew closer together, he would call me every night and we would talk for hours. One day he asked me to be his girlfriend, a few days later I said yes. Even though I said yes, I felt of him as more a friend than a boyfriend. I wasn't feeling it, so I told him we were better off as friends. I thought we would stop talking and eventually just forget about each other and move on. But, he would still call me every night, and I loved his company just laughing and talking about everything. A couple of months passed and we were still friends, until one day I told him how I felt and I wanted to give us a chance to be in relationship. We got along great and I truly started to fall in love with him as he did too. We went out for five months and we broke up, mostly because I was really foolish and full of pride & scared. We both hurt each other. It was hard being without him but I knew things would get better. We have been apart since February, he would always IM and just act silly, so we would still talk frequently. This made me miss him more and not get over him as fast as I wanted. Now, he still talks to me but in a way just to see how I'm doing or just talk. Sometimes I wished I wouldn't talk to him but in another way I like him being in my life even if its for a little, because I do truly miss him. I don't know why he keeps wanting to talk, is he still interested in me in anyway? what can I do to show him how I feel?
VictorM's advice:
He still talks to you because he finds you attractive and enjoys your company. But that's not to say he's still interested in wanting a relationship. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
He seems like a reasonable guy, why not talk to him about how you feel?
What is he trying to tell me?
Submitted on Thursday, November 26, 2009
By: Tonya
Age: 30
Location: Canada
Question: There's this guy I used to work out with. he was my personal trainer. We hung out a few times than I told him I cant work out with him anymore because I have feelings for him and he was upset and didn't talk to me and I am married. Every time I see him he looks at me and makes long eye contact with me with a serious look on his face. What is he trying to tell me?
VictorM's advice:
"Stay away from me."
By: Tonya
Age: 30
Location: Canada
Question: There's this guy I used to work out with. he was my personal trainer. We hung out a few times than I told him I cant work out with him anymore because I have feelings for him and he was upset and didn't talk to me and I am married. Every time I see him he looks at me and makes long eye contact with me with a serious look on his face. What is he trying to tell me?
VictorM's advice:
"Stay away from me."
I was "too good" of a girlfriend to him
Submitted on Thursday, November 26, 2009
By: April
Age: 19
Location: Tennessee
Question: So, I dated this guy for about 5 months last year. He was that guy a couple years older than me in high school that I had such a big crush on and then once I graduated we finally dated. Sad to say, I was "too good" of a girlfriend to him. After we broke up we didn't talk for about 7 months where in the meantime his best friends told me about these girls he "talked to" and try to "hook up with" while we dated. When I confronted him about it during those 7 months he denied it. Finally in June, we started talking again and he told me in detail everything that I confronted him about and tried to make me believe that his friends were just trying to make me feel vulnerable and date them because they thought I was hot.
Well anyways, I believed him after a while, but during the summer that we talked, I met another guy and cut things off. I've never cheated in a relationship, however we were not dating. At the end of August, I had ended things with the other guy and I started talking to my ex again. We have been "talking" for over 3 months. When we first got back together things were really passionate then we took a 2 week break because he said he just wanted to be friends and I said that all he wanted was sex. Needless to say, he got really jealous when he found out that I was just simply hanging out with other guys and we got back together. Things changed for about 2 weeks. He was so affectionate and sweet. Then everything stopped. For the past 2 1/2 months he wont show me hardly any affection and we haven't had sex once, but when I ask him about it he says hes just not the affectionate kind and wants me to make the first move. Also, when I bring up about making us official he says he not ready for a relationship. But I tell him that we act 100% as if we were in a relationship and a committed one that as far as I know. We just havnt made it official.
Anyways, my questions are...
1) Do you think his friends really were lying?
2) Why doesn't he want to be intimate anymore or show me hardly any affection?
and 3) Why even after dating last year for 5 months, talking for 2 months over the summer, and talking again for over 3 this semester.. Why doesn't he want to be in an official relationship even though we act as if we are?
VictorM's advice:
1. I have no idea but what's the big deal? You weren't a couple then. What right did you have to confront him about it? Sounds rather pushy and selfish, if you ask me.
2. He told you why: he's not the affectionate type. He's willing to push himself if that's what it takes to get you, but once he achieves his goal, he ceases to try because it's not on his nature.
3. Why should he tie himself to responsibilities and obligations if he can have the same privileges without doing so? Girls see a relationship as security; guys see it as a loss of freedom. You're giving him all he wants without him having to give up what he wants.
4. You didn't ask the forth question, but that's the one that matters: why are you with such a guy? Your turn to answer it.
By: April
Age: 19
Location: Tennessee
Question: So, I dated this guy for about 5 months last year. He was that guy a couple years older than me in high school that I had such a big crush on and then once I graduated we finally dated. Sad to say, I was "too good" of a girlfriend to him. After we broke up we didn't talk for about 7 months where in the meantime his best friends told me about these girls he "talked to" and try to "hook up with" while we dated. When I confronted him about it during those 7 months he denied it. Finally in June, we started talking again and he told me in detail everything that I confronted him about and tried to make me believe that his friends were just trying to make me feel vulnerable and date them because they thought I was hot.
Well anyways, I believed him after a while, but during the summer that we talked, I met another guy and cut things off. I've never cheated in a relationship, however we were not dating. At the end of August, I had ended things with the other guy and I started talking to my ex again. We have been "talking" for over 3 months. When we first got back together things were really passionate then we took a 2 week break because he said he just wanted to be friends and I said that all he wanted was sex. Needless to say, he got really jealous when he found out that I was just simply hanging out with other guys and we got back together. Things changed for about 2 weeks. He was so affectionate and sweet. Then everything stopped. For the past 2 1/2 months he wont show me hardly any affection and we haven't had sex once, but when I ask him about it he says hes just not the affectionate kind and wants me to make the first move. Also, when I bring up about making us official he says he not ready for a relationship. But I tell him that we act 100% as if we were in a relationship and a committed one that as far as I know. We just havnt made it official.
Anyways, my questions are...
1) Do you think his friends really were lying?
2) Why doesn't he want to be intimate anymore or show me hardly any affection?
and 3) Why even after dating last year for 5 months, talking for 2 months over the summer, and talking again for over 3 this semester.. Why doesn't he want to be in an official relationship even though we act as if we are?
VictorM's advice:
1. I have no idea but what's the big deal? You weren't a couple then. What right did you have to confront him about it? Sounds rather pushy and selfish, if you ask me.
2. He told you why: he's not the affectionate type. He's willing to push himself if that's what it takes to get you, but once he achieves his goal, he ceases to try because it's not on his nature.
3. Why should he tie himself to responsibilities and obligations if he can have the same privileges without doing so? Girls see a relationship as security; guys see it as a loss of freedom. You're giving him all he wants without him having to give up what he wants.
4. You didn't ask the forth question, but that's the one that matters: why are you with such a guy? Your turn to answer it.
we stare at each other in our class
Submitted on Wednesday, November 25, 2009
By: Kathy
Age: 16
Location: Portland
Question: i have a crush on this guy, we stare at each other in our class. But I really like him. We never talk to each other. He is not shy, he is really loud but when i'm around he becomes all quiet. But i'm shy. He knows i like him and he stares at me. Just last week he found out that i'm a senior and i found out he is a freshman. He usually sits in front of my table at lunch but i saw him moving to other seat with other girls. I got really jealous. I had a really big heart break just before, i really don't wanna get into another one so i just ignored him my next class, and he seemed a bit upset.
Does he think i don't like him cuz he is a freshman ???? and he didn't sit in front of my table at lunch again today.
what do u think??? im totally lost
any advice or any point of views will be helpful
BTW i just turned 16 and i'm a senior if that helps :D
VictorM's advice:
Sorry, Kathy, I can't respond to a personal email address.
Boys around your age are just coming to terms with attraction for females, and it's difficult to focus on just one. But two of the things that holds many guys back, whether they are shy or not, are: a fear of rejection, and a fear of being stuck with one girl while liking another one better. And so what happens more often than not is inaction; the guy stares, daydreams, changes seats, etc. but won't make a move.
In your case, yeah, that you are a senior and he's a freshmen could also be a reason for his inaction.
But, shy as you may be, it really is up to you to push yourself a little. You said you never talk. Well, start by saying hi to him using his name. Saying "Hi, Jim" with a smile goes a long way to encourage a guy to say something. You can't just sit back and wish for things to happen. Take a step, even if it's a baby one.
By: Kathy
Age: 16
Location: Portland
Question: i have a crush on this guy, we stare at each other in our class. But I really like him. We never talk to each other. He is not shy, he is really loud but when i'm around he becomes all quiet. But i'm shy. He knows i like him and he stares at me. Just last week he found out that i'm a senior and i found out he is a freshman. He usually sits in front of my table at lunch but i saw him moving to other seat with other girls. I got really jealous. I had a really big heart break just before, i really don't wanna get into another one so i just ignored him my next class, and he seemed a bit upset.
Does he think i don't like him cuz he is a freshman ???? and he didn't sit in front of my table at lunch again today.
what do u think??? im totally lost
any advice or any point of views will be helpful
BTW i just turned 16 and i'm a senior if that helps :D
VictorM's advice:
Sorry, Kathy, I can't respond to a personal email address.
Boys around your age are just coming to terms with attraction for females, and it's difficult to focus on just one. But two of the things that holds many guys back, whether they are shy or not, are: a fear of rejection, and a fear of being stuck with one girl while liking another one better. And so what happens more often than not is inaction; the guy stares, daydreams, changes seats, etc. but won't make a move.
In your case, yeah, that you are a senior and he's a freshmen could also be a reason for his inaction.
But, shy as you may be, it really is up to you to push yourself a little. You said you never talk. Well, start by saying hi to him using his name. Saying "Hi, Jim" with a smile goes a long way to encourage a guy to say something. You can't just sit back and wish for things to happen. Take a step, even if it's a baby one.
He mentioned that he was leaving
Submitted on Wednesday, November 25, 2009
By: Marie
Age: 25
Location: Upstate NY
Question: I met a guy through my student teaching placement, the only thing is that he was in a long term sub position that ended today. He mentioned that he was leaving and that it was nice to meet staff, and sort of pointed towards me. There was an awkward moment until I asked if he had a facebook account, which he replied yes and said his name. He then asked something about giving any other information I would need, so I wasn't sure what to make of that. I think I said something about the facebook thing being good for now. I did find him on Facebook and added him as a friend. From reading what you've said to other girls, I wanted to make him work at getting my number but did I blow it in not asking for his number?
VictorM's advice:
You didn't blow anything. Facebook is a pretty good tool to keep in touch and possibly advance this contact, including exchanging phone numbers, if such an interest develops. But a lot of guys see distance as a big too big an obstacle to overcome, and spending time on the phone is not very fulfilling.
By: Marie
Age: 25
Location: Upstate NY
Question: I met a guy through my student teaching placement, the only thing is that he was in a long term sub position that ended today. He mentioned that he was leaving and that it was nice to meet staff, and sort of pointed towards me. There was an awkward moment until I asked if he had a facebook account, which he replied yes and said his name. He then asked something about giving any other information I would need, so I wasn't sure what to make of that. I think I said something about the facebook thing being good for now. I did find him on Facebook and added him as a friend. From reading what you've said to other girls, I wanted to make him work at getting my number but did I blow it in not asking for his number?
VictorM's advice:
You didn't blow anything. Facebook is a pretty good tool to keep in touch and possibly advance this contact, including exchanging phone numbers, if such an interest develops. But a lot of guys see distance as a big too big an obstacle to overcome, and spending time on the phone is not very fulfilling.
he has to squeeze me in
Submitted on Wednesday, November 25, 2009
By: Robin
Age: 32
Location: Missouri
Question: I like this guy who is a business man and he works A LOT....he told me he wants to be friends with benefits now and more when he gets the time....We talk every day and see each other every week... he has to squeeze me in, but he does come to see me....Does he like me or is he playing me?
VictorM's advice:
He's playing you.
I can understand being extra busy for a period of time, but the request for friends with benefits makes it clear he only has one intention. You'd be a fool to believe that going along with the benefits part will lead to more later -- it won't!
If he has limited time for you, make it about dinner, movies, and spending quality time together. That would be much more convincing.
By: Robin
Age: 32
Location: Missouri
Question: I like this guy who is a business man and he works A LOT....he told me he wants to be friends with benefits now and more when he gets the time....We talk every day and see each other every week... he has to squeeze me in, but he does come to see me....Does he like me or is he playing me?
VictorM's advice:
He's playing you.
I can understand being extra busy for a period of time, but the request for friends with benefits makes it clear he only has one intention. You'd be a fool to believe that going along with the benefits part will lead to more later -- it won't!
If he has limited time for you, make it about dinner, movies, and spending quality time together. That would be much more convincing.
He likes another girl that you know that he used to like
Submitted on Wednesday, November 25, 2009
By: bailey
Age: 9
Location: ga
Question: what if you have a boyfriend that likes you and whenever you ask him if he likes you he says"yes" but other people tell you that he likes another girl that you know that he used to like but still likes her?
VictorM's advice:
Don't listen to other people; they're wrong too often. Trust your own instincts.
By: bailey
Age: 9
Location: ga
Question: what if you have a boyfriend that likes you and whenever you ask him if he likes you he says"yes" but other people tell you that he likes another girl that you know that he used to like but still likes her?
VictorM's advice:
Don't listen to other people; they're wrong too often. Trust your own instincts.
Why is it so easy for guys to just stop caring?
Submitted on Wednesday, November 25, 2009
By: Lauren
Age: 22
Location: San Jose, CA
Question: I just ended a relationship with a guy who says he still loves me but he wants to see other people, is seeing other people. I am cute, I don't want to spend every minute with the guy, I like to go out and have fun...Not to mention I'm supportive and agreeable. Am I too available? Why is it so easy for guys to just stop caring? Am I too young to to be looking for commitment?
VictorM's advice:
He does care... about his own happiness, which at this point in his life doesn't include you anymore. I give him kudos for being upfront about it.
You're not too young to want commitment. It's just a matter of finding a guy who feels the same way, which is no easy task, I know.
By: Lauren
Age: 22
Location: San Jose, CA
Question: I just ended a relationship with a guy who says he still loves me but he wants to see other people, is seeing other people. I am cute, I don't want to spend every minute with the guy, I like to go out and have fun...Not to mention I'm supportive and agreeable. Am I too available? Why is it so easy for guys to just stop caring? Am I too young to to be looking for commitment?
VictorM's advice:
He does care... about his own happiness, which at this point in his life doesn't include you anymore. I give him kudos for being upfront about it.
You're not too young to want commitment. It's just a matter of finding a guy who feels the same way, which is no easy task, I know.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
He blacked out and doesn't remember what happened
Submitted on Wednesday, November 25, 2009
By: Ari
Age: 20
Location: Ann Arbor
Question: I'll make this short and sweet. I've liked this guy for awhile and I'm pretty sure he knows it. He's a shy kind of guy, not a ladies man, so he doesn't have much experience in that sort of thing. About a week ago, my friend and I went over to his house to hang out and drink (I'm friends with all of his housemates) and we were both drunk. We ended up making out downstairs in his room and I stayed the night...not something I EVER do. He's been acting weird the last few days and I found out that he blacked out and doesn't remember what happened...what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wait a couple more weeks and then tell him you're pregnant and he's the father.
Nah, that would be cruel, but If I were a girl I'd pull that one on guys all the time, just to see their faces. :-p
What should you do? Nothing. He was under the heavy influence of alcohol, which means -- and I don't mean this as any kind of insult to you --he'd have made out with a camel. It doesn't mean that he secretly likes you, although he might, you just wouldn't know it based on that night.
If indeed he blacked out, he really doesn't remember a thing. I know this from personal experience. So, you're really back to square one. If, on the other hand, he's lying about having blacked out, the message is clear: he's not interested in pursuing things further with you.
By: Ari
Age: 20
Location: Ann Arbor
Question: I'll make this short and sweet. I've liked this guy for awhile and I'm pretty sure he knows it. He's a shy kind of guy, not a ladies man, so he doesn't have much experience in that sort of thing. About a week ago, my friend and I went over to his house to hang out and drink (I'm friends with all of his housemates) and we were both drunk. We ended up making out downstairs in his room and I stayed the night...not something I EVER do. He's been acting weird the last few days and I found out that he blacked out and doesn't remember what happened...what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wait a couple more weeks and then tell him you're pregnant and he's the father.
Nah, that would be cruel, but If I were a girl I'd pull that one on guys all the time, just to see their faces. :-p
What should you do? Nothing. He was under the heavy influence of alcohol, which means -- and I don't mean this as any kind of insult to you --he'd have made out with a camel. It doesn't mean that he secretly likes you, although he might, you just wouldn't know it based on that night.
If indeed he blacked out, he really doesn't remember a thing. I know this from personal experience. So, you're really back to square one. If, on the other hand, he's lying about having blacked out, the message is clear: he's not interested in pursuing things further with you.
He was a vendor and married
Submitted on Tuesday, November 24, 2009
By: LouLou
Age: 41
Location: Austin
Question: I met a guy at work and he was a vendor and married. There seemed to be an immediate connection but again he was married so that was that. He would call from time to time and it was just social. About a year later he showed up saying he was in the process of getting a divorce. We went out several times and had fun and became intimate. He started to back off and when I questioned him about it he said he was scared because he was surprised by how intense his feelings were for me. Yet continued to back off and I felt like he was starting arguments with me. I ended it up. This was several months ago and we haven't spoken since which was about 4 months ago. I have been thinking about him a lot lately. I want to contact him but I am scared to and of course I have fear of rejection. Should I leave well enough alone?
VictorM's advice:
You should do whatever eases your mind th most. "What ifs..." are the worst things to carry into your future, far worse than a rejection, which you can get over rather quickly.
But what are you expecting? This guy lost his interest in you. The line about his feelings being too intense... that's bullshit! I know your ego wants to believe it, but the opposite is much more likely. And if you think that's changed in the four months since, you are in denial.
By: LouLou
Age: 41
Location: Austin
Question: I met a guy at work and he was a vendor and married. There seemed to be an immediate connection but again he was married so that was that. He would call from time to time and it was just social. About a year later he showed up saying he was in the process of getting a divorce. We went out several times and had fun and became intimate. He started to back off and when I questioned him about it he said he was scared because he was surprised by how intense his feelings were for me. Yet continued to back off and I felt like he was starting arguments with me. I ended it up. This was several months ago and we haven't spoken since which was about 4 months ago. I have been thinking about him a lot lately. I want to contact him but I am scared to and of course I have fear of rejection. Should I leave well enough alone?
VictorM's advice:
You should do whatever eases your mind th most. "What ifs..." are the worst things to carry into your future, far worse than a rejection, which you can get over rather quickly.
But what are you expecting? This guy lost his interest in you. The line about his feelings being too intense... that's bullshit! I know your ego wants to believe it, but the opposite is much more likely. And if you think that's changed in the four months since, you are in denial.
I am better off without him
Submitted on Tuesday, November 24, 2009
By: Kate
Age: 26
Location: NY
Question: I broke up with my boyfriend after dating him for a few months. He claimed it was a surprise to him although leading up to it, we had conversations about certain things that bothered me or upset me or made me unhappy. Basically, his complete disregard for my feelings and lack of action on his part to remedy the situation made me realize that I am better off without him.
But we never fully broke things off. In the next few weeks, we still saw each other and in a state of loneliness and slight panic, I told him I wanted to give it another try. Luckily, he said that it made no sense and that he didn't want to get into a situation where either party would be unhappy.
So I took a few weeks and did the no contact and it's helped tremendously in gaining clarity. However, during this time, he would send me emails (which I never responded to). We finally met up for coffee recently and he asked me why I just vanished. I know that I don't want to get back together with him but I feel that since I told him otherwise a month ago, I'm just confusing the situation further. What do you suggest I do? Break off contact completely? Talk to him and tell him that we should just be friends? Or do nothing at all and assume he'll get the message?
I do still care for him but I just realize that we're better off not together at this point in our lives.
Thanks in advance for the advice.
VictorM's advice:
Be polite but distant.
There's no need to burn brides, but too much contact with such a person will not be beneficial to you. This is nothing against him -- in many ways he could be a great guy -- it's just that the time and energy you spend on him is a waste. It keeps you spinning your wheels in the past instead of focusing on the future.
By: Kate
Age: 26
Location: NY
Question: I broke up with my boyfriend after dating him for a few months. He claimed it was a surprise to him although leading up to it, we had conversations about certain things that bothered me or upset me or made me unhappy. Basically, his complete disregard for my feelings and lack of action on his part to remedy the situation made me realize that I am better off without him.
But we never fully broke things off. In the next few weeks, we still saw each other and in a state of loneliness and slight panic, I told him I wanted to give it another try. Luckily, he said that it made no sense and that he didn't want to get into a situation where either party would be unhappy.
So I took a few weeks and did the no contact and it's helped tremendously in gaining clarity. However, during this time, he would send me emails (which I never responded to). We finally met up for coffee recently and he asked me why I just vanished. I know that I don't want to get back together with him but I feel that since I told him otherwise a month ago, I'm just confusing the situation further. What do you suggest I do? Break off contact completely? Talk to him and tell him that we should just be friends? Or do nothing at all and assume he'll get the message?
I do still care for him but I just realize that we're better off not together at this point in our lives.
Thanks in advance for the advice.
VictorM's advice:
Be polite but distant.
There's no need to burn brides, but too much contact with such a person will not be beneficial to you. This is nothing against him -- in many ways he could be a great guy -- it's just that the time and energy you spend on him is a waste. It keeps you spinning your wheels in the past instead of focusing on the future.
Is he just trying to make me jealous
Submitted on Tuesday, November 24, 2009
By: Desi
Age: 14
Location: usa
Question: So what if the person i like told me who he likes...like out of no where. is he just trying to make me jealous or do i have no chance at all =/ ?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea why he told you who he likes, but around your age, guys can change who they like more often than they change underwear. Next time he changes his brown streaked briefs, it could be your turn. So don't despair.
By: Desi
Age: 14
Location: usa
Question: So what if the person i like told me who he likes...like out of no where. is he just trying to make me jealous or do i have no chance at all =/ ?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea why he told you who he likes, but around your age, guys can change who they like more often than they change underwear. Next time he changes his brown streaked briefs, it could be your turn. So don't despair.
getting to know stage
Submitted on Tuesday, November 24, 2009
By: babes
Age: 25
Location: phils
Question: can you give me some questions i could ask a guy when we are in a getting to know stage?
VictorM's advice:
If you mean questions to get the conversation going, I suggest you find out what he likes, knows a lot about, or is very passionate about and ask questions on those topics. But I suspect you meant questions to learn more about him, right?
Two important pointers:
1. Forget the words, forget what he says... anyone, specially the biggest scoundrels, will be good with words and say just what you want to hear. Instead, focus on his actions: how he treats you, how much respect he shows you, is he as attentive as you'd like, does he make eye contact, do his social manners match your expectations, what type of friends does he have ( you can tell a lot by the company one keeps).
2. Ask him, loosely stated and as not to sound like an inquisition, about his childhood, good and bad memories... does he sound bitter? Wounded? Victimized? Happy? The imprints from his childhood define, better than words, the kind of person he is. Most importantly, get him to talk about his mother, sisters, or any other females that were close to him. How he refers to them and how he treats them, will tell you much more than his words about how he's most likely to treat you in the future.
By: babes
Age: 25
Location: phils
Question: can you give me some questions i could ask a guy when we are in a getting to know stage?
VictorM's advice:
If you mean questions to get the conversation going, I suggest you find out what he likes, knows a lot about, or is very passionate about and ask questions on those topics. But I suspect you meant questions to learn more about him, right?
Two important pointers:
1. Forget the words, forget what he says... anyone, specially the biggest scoundrels, will be good with words and say just what you want to hear. Instead, focus on his actions: how he treats you, how much respect he shows you, is he as attentive as you'd like, does he make eye contact, do his social manners match your expectations, what type of friends does he have ( you can tell a lot by the company one keeps).
2. Ask him, loosely stated and as not to sound like an inquisition, about his childhood, good and bad memories... does he sound bitter? Wounded? Victimized? Happy? The imprints from his childhood define, better than words, the kind of person he is. Most importantly, get him to talk about his mother, sisters, or any other females that were close to him. How he refers to them and how he treats them, will tell you much more than his words about how he's most likely to treat you in the future.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Message for Andrea, from Canada
Do NOT tell him about your feelings; you will spook him away if you do.
He is doing something -- he's learning about you. Kissing and hugging speed things up too much for some guys. The moment the kissing starts, the easy and calm disappears and the obligations and responsibilities start.
Trust me, the moment he loses interest in you he'll cease contacting you and wanting to be with you. Guys don't spend time with a girl they find attractive just for the sake of friendship. He'll either make a move when he's ready, or the attention he gives will drastically decline.
Meanwhile... mum's the word. But do show him that you enjoy his company too.
He is doing something -- he's learning about you. Kissing and hugging speed things up too much for some guys. The moment the kissing starts, the easy and calm disappears and the obligations and responsibilities start.
Trust me, the moment he loses interest in you he'll cease contacting you and wanting to be with you. Guys don't spend time with a girl they find attractive just for the sake of friendship. He'll either make a move when he's ready, or the attention he gives will drastically decline.
Meanwhile... mum's the word. But do show him that you enjoy his company too.
what do i say to not sound cheesy?
Submitted on Monday, November 23, 2009
By: sydney
Age: 19
Question: there's a guy that works next door to the store that i work at (we work in a plaza), we have a mutual friend and she knows that i'm interested in him and according to her he's interested in me as well. I'm very shy and reserved at first and he seems to be also. My question is how do I approach him and what do i say to not sound cheesy? or should i just wait for him to make a move?
VictorM's advice:
You should wait for him to make a movie, but you should also encourage that move by smiling at him, greeting him using his name, and finding out what topics interest him the most and bringing them up when you talk to him.
Just keep in mind that a guy being interested in you isn't the same as saying he's interested in going out with you. That's because guys can easily be interested in several girls at the same time and going steady with one shuts the door on dating the others. Freedom to roam is a huge factor in a guy's life, huge enough to sometimes forfeit being with one girl he likes.
By: sydney
Age: 19
Question: there's a guy that works next door to the store that i work at (we work in a plaza), we have a mutual friend and she knows that i'm interested in him and according to her he's interested in me as well. I'm very shy and reserved at first and he seems to be also. My question is how do I approach him and what do i say to not sound cheesy? or should i just wait for him to make a move?
VictorM's advice:
You should wait for him to make a movie, but you should also encourage that move by smiling at him, greeting him using his name, and finding out what topics interest him the most and bringing them up when you talk to him.
Just keep in mind that a guy being interested in you isn't the same as saying he's interested in going out with you. That's because guys can easily be interested in several girls at the same time and going steady with one shuts the door on dating the others. Freedom to roam is a huge factor in a guy's life, huge enough to sometimes forfeit being with one girl he likes.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
He isn't really romantic anymore
Submitted on Monday, November 23, 2009
By: Kristy
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: I'm having major trouble getting attention from my boyfriend.We see each other every two weeks just for the weekend and we text every night when i get home from work. I mean that's fine with me but sometimes i would like a good morning or hey i was just thinking of you once in a while but i never do. He isn't really romantic anymore. I tell him and give him examples but he just doesn't get it. I asked him to give me a good morning text here and there and it did it once. I was so happy i thought he got it then he never did it again or tried any nice gestures again. I don't know what to do no matter how much i try he doesn't put in a lot of effort. If i ever give him less attention like text him too late after i get off of work he gets suspicious but i can't get the attention i want. What should i do? Please help this has been going on for months and months already.
VictorM's advice:
Make a guy HAVE to do anything, specialty something as silly as texting, and he's going to rebel against it. There's nothing romantic about doing something because you're obligated to do it. Free him from your "nagish" demand and who knows, a miracle could happen.
By: Kristy
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: I'm having major trouble getting attention from my boyfriend.We see each other every two weeks just for the weekend and we text every night when i get home from work. I mean that's fine with me but sometimes i would like a good morning or hey i was just thinking of you once in a while but i never do. He isn't really romantic anymore. I tell him and give him examples but he just doesn't get it. I asked him to give me a good morning text here and there and it did it once. I was so happy i thought he got it then he never did it again or tried any nice gestures again. I don't know what to do no matter how much i try he doesn't put in a lot of effort. If i ever give him less attention like text him too late after i get off of work he gets suspicious but i can't get the attention i want. What should i do? Please help this has been going on for months and months already.
VictorM's advice:
Make a guy HAVE to do anything, specialty something as silly as texting, and he's going to rebel against it. There's nothing romantic about doing something because you're obligated to do it. Free him from your "nagish" demand and who knows, a miracle could happen.
he has never introduced her to me
Submitted on Monday, November 23, 2009
Question: One of my guy friends has some very strange behavior when it comes to his girlfriend. He started dating this girl a couple of months ago and he has never introduced her to me even when I have run into them in public (not when they were on a date but at social events) and actually seems to try to keep me away from her. Like, recently, she came to visit and on the day she was supposed to leave, he and I were supposed to meet at his house after she had left. But when he found out she didn't leave, he called me 5 minutes after he had just called me to confirmed his plans with me, asking me if we could met somewhere else. My logic is that eventually, she and I are going to have to deal with each other, so why is he making such an effort to make sure we have no contact?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is she is none to pleased that you are in the mix. As long as he keeps seeing her, my guess is you'll be seeing less of him rather than seeing more of her.
Maybe you should be getting the hint.
Question: One of my guy friends has some very strange behavior when it comes to his girlfriend. He started dating this girl a couple of months ago and he has never introduced her to me even when I have run into them in public (not when they were on a date but at social events) and actually seems to try to keep me away from her. Like, recently, she came to visit and on the day she was supposed to leave, he and I were supposed to meet at his house after she had left. But when he found out she didn't leave, he called me 5 minutes after he had just called me to confirmed his plans with me, asking me if we could met somewhere else. My logic is that eventually, she and I are going to have to deal with each other, so why is he making such an effort to make sure we have no contact?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is she is none to pleased that you are in the mix. As long as he keeps seeing her, my guess is you'll be seeing less of him rather than seeing more of her.
Maybe you should be getting the hint.
He is 22 and very cute!
Submitted on Monday, November 23, 2009
By: Gabby
Age: 19
Location: USA
Question: There is this guy who works at the same school as my dad. He is 22 and very cute! He also talks to my brother as well and knows my family. I really like him and when I see him at my dad's job he will come over to my mom and I and say hi. He is friendly and eager to say hello. Is he just being nice or does he likes me back? I want to see if he does like me but I also don't want to make a fool of myself. Can I send him a message on Facebook or hope to see him in person, which I probably won't for a while? No one in my family knows I like him except for my mom. What should I do or not do?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he likes your mom. Have her send him a facebook message. :)
PS. Say hi to Nicole L for me. I'm sure she'll understand why I didn't answer her question and why I didn't take yours seriously.
By: Gabby
Age: 19
Location: USA
Question: There is this guy who works at the same school as my dad. He is 22 and very cute! He also talks to my brother as well and knows my family. I really like him and when I see him at my dad's job he will come over to my mom and I and say hi. He is friendly and eager to say hello. Is he just being nice or does he likes me back? I want to see if he does like me but I also don't want to make a fool of myself. Can I send him a message on Facebook or hope to see him in person, which I probably won't for a while? No one in my family knows I like him except for my mom. What should I do or not do?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he likes your mom. Have her send him a facebook message. :)
PS. Say hi to Nicole L for me. I'm sure she'll understand why I didn't answer her question and why I didn't take yours seriously.
I have this gut filling that he still cares
Submitted on Monday, November 23, 2009
By: maressa
Age: 17
Location: detroit
Question: okay, me and this guy use to date for a couple of months, then out the blue he just stop calling and just straight up acting different towards me. he's cool with my cousins and still talk to them. well the first time we stop talking it was for like a month or so. then we started talking again he showed me in his actions that he misses me. then i gave into him again. then i guess he got tired of me again. now we don't even talk anymore. i want him back but i don't know how to get him back. and i want to show him that im the one for him. cause i have this gut filling that he still cares.
VictorM's advice:
Maressa, get a new gut! He's not into you.
By: maressa
Age: 17
Location: detroit
Question: okay, me and this guy use to date for a couple of months, then out the blue he just stop calling and just straight up acting different towards me. he's cool with my cousins and still talk to them. well the first time we stop talking it was for like a month or so. then we started talking again he showed me in his actions that he misses me. then i gave into him again. then i guess he got tired of me again. now we don't even talk anymore. i want him back but i don't know how to get him back. and i want to show him that im the one for him. cause i have this gut filling that he still cares.
VictorM's advice:
Maressa, get a new gut! He's not into you.
What if the fighting continues?
Submitted on Monday, November 23, 2009
By: Red
Age: 30
Location: DC
Question: I've been in a relationship with this guy for a few months now, recently we started arguing a lot. He said to me "what if the fighting continues? maybe we should be just friends. I'd rather have you as a friend then not have you in my life at all". Uhmmm, that's pretty much telling me he doesn't want to be with me and he doesn't know how to break it to me nicely, right?
VictorM's advice:
No. I think he's trying to tell you that you're a fucking nag and he wants you to stop it.
By: Red
Age: 30
Location: DC
Question: I've been in a relationship with this guy for a few months now, recently we started arguing a lot. He said to me "what if the fighting continues? maybe we should be just friends. I'd rather have you as a friend then not have you in my life at all". Uhmmm, that's pretty much telling me he doesn't want to be with me and he doesn't know how to break it to me nicely, right?
VictorM's advice:
No. I think he's trying to tell you that you're a fucking nag and he wants you to stop it.
He told me I was acting like a whore
Submitted on Monday, November 23, 2009
By: Rhiannan
Age: 20
Location: PA
Question: About 3 weeks ago on Halloween night my boyfriend and I went to his friend house for a small party. My boyfriend always wanted me to be friends with his friends so I talked to his best friend during the night. I always talk to him but my boyfriend flipped on me for me picking his friend up and him picking me up. Everyone was picking everyone up outside. Well to make a long story short he told me I was acting like a whore he doesn't know how I could act like that with his best friend and shit hit the fan basically. We got home we argued for an hour. We went to bed and he started treating me like shit. Now he avoids me when he can hasn't told me he loved me won't cuddle with me or kiss me but I know he cares about me but I'm concerned about the way he has been acting. He's not avoiding sex but cuddling or kissing me he refuses to do. I'm very hurt because after all he did to me which is lie and kiss another girl when he was drunk I stayed with him and loved him through it all and i talk to his friend who was acting inappropriate to me and someone else all night and I'm horrible. He said I pissed him off a lot. And by the way last new years eve he asked someone if he thought he could fuck me and this was the friend I got in trouble for talking to. What made my boyfriend really mad was I told his friend that my boyfriend didn't trust him and I together because my boyfriend was always so weird about it and I never understood why. My boyfriend avoided me for 3 days and then took me and his other friend to eat and I thought everything would be okay after that but he fefuses to kiss me or cuddle is ignorant to me after all that and last week we went to dinner and I talked to him about it and he said you pissed me off. In your opinion do you think he is doing this to me for a reason? After 3 weeks? I'm bothered with him ignoring me when I tell him I love him.
VictorM's advice:
You clearly describe situations that paint a convincing picture that your boyfriend is an asshole, and then you ask why he's acting like an asshole? The answer is obvious: he's a fucking asshole.
You simply can't turn chicken shit into decent chicken salad. It's that's simple.
By: Rhiannan
Age: 20
Location: PA
Question: About 3 weeks ago on Halloween night my boyfriend and I went to his friend house for a small party. My boyfriend always wanted me to be friends with his friends so I talked to his best friend during the night. I always talk to him but my boyfriend flipped on me for me picking his friend up and him picking me up. Everyone was picking everyone up outside. Well to make a long story short he told me I was acting like a whore he doesn't know how I could act like that with his best friend and shit hit the fan basically. We got home we argued for an hour. We went to bed and he started treating me like shit. Now he avoids me when he can hasn't told me he loved me won't cuddle with me or kiss me but I know he cares about me but I'm concerned about the way he has been acting. He's not avoiding sex but cuddling or kissing me he refuses to do. I'm very hurt because after all he did to me which is lie and kiss another girl when he was drunk I stayed with him and loved him through it all and i talk to his friend who was acting inappropriate to me and someone else all night and I'm horrible. He said I pissed him off a lot. And by the way last new years eve he asked someone if he thought he could fuck me and this was the friend I got in trouble for talking to. What made my boyfriend really mad was I told his friend that my boyfriend didn't trust him and I together because my boyfriend was always so weird about it and I never understood why. My boyfriend avoided me for 3 days and then took me and his other friend to eat and I thought everything would be okay after that but he fefuses to kiss me or cuddle is ignorant to me after all that and last week we went to dinner and I talked to him about it and he said you pissed me off. In your opinion do you think he is doing this to me for a reason? After 3 weeks? I'm bothered with him ignoring me when I tell him I love him.
VictorM's advice:
You clearly describe situations that paint a convincing picture that your boyfriend is an asshole, and then you ask why he's acting like an asshole? The answer is obvious: he's a fucking asshole.
You simply can't turn chicken shit into decent chicken salad. It's that's simple.
He acts like an immature clown
Submitted on Sunday, November 22, 2009
By: Anonymous
Age: 30s
Location: Canada
Question: Why would a guy that is almost 10 years older than me (so not young) act like certain people only when he gets around them? What I mean is, say he is around the 19 year old kid he works with, he acts like an immature clown, or if he's hanging around a couple other friends individually, he takes on their ways while hanging with them. Mindset changes, the way he talks- even a lot of the times changes the way he treats me... It's like he takes on their persona- and all of them have no value for women, now that I think about it. Why is he not just himself? Maybe he has no value for women I guess then, but why does he appear to be a follower and change with each person to that extent?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you and Avril Lavigne have something on common. :)
He IS himself! He is a chameleon that adapts to those around him, so that he can fit in. That's a type of personality. Whatever weaknesses you think that denotes, that is part of who he is.
By: Anonymous
Age: 30s
Location: Canada
Question: Why would a guy that is almost 10 years older than me (so not young) act like certain people only when he gets around them? What I mean is, say he is around the 19 year old kid he works with, he acts like an immature clown, or if he's hanging around a couple other friends individually, he takes on their ways while hanging with them. Mindset changes, the way he talks- even a lot of the times changes the way he treats me... It's like he takes on their persona- and all of them have no value for women, now that I think about it. Why is he not just himself? Maybe he has no value for women I guess then, but why does he appear to be a follower and change with each person to that extent?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you and Avril Lavigne have something on common. :)
He IS himself! He is a chameleon that adapts to those around him, so that he can fit in. That's a type of personality. Whatever weaknesses you think that denotes, that is part of who he is.
He runs really hot and cold
Submitted on Sunday, November 22, 2009
By: CeCe
Age: 30
Location: California
Question: So, I've dated this guy off and on. He runs really hot and cold. Some weeks he's really attentive, and then other weeks he is really distant. In the past, I've freaked out at this and broken it off with him twice.
When we are together, he is really affectionate and sweet, more so than any other guy I've dated. He does REALLY nice things for me that sometimes blow me away because he is so distant other times.
The guy is divorced twice with children that live with him full time. He was cheated on and walked out on.
I feel like whenever I feel we get close, he pulls away. We hang out, and he is super affectionate and sweet and wonderful, and then attentive for 3-4 days after, and then gets distant again. And sometimes I feel that when I start making more effort, it pushes him away more. It's not about sex, because we haven't been together in a while. I don't want to get together with someone that runs so hot and cold.
I don't understand because in the beginning he was all chase chase chase and into me gangbusters style.
Should I just give up on a lost cause or try being patient for a change?
VictorM's advice:
Being attentive, affectionate, sweet and wonderful when he's around is a reflection of his personality, not of feelings for you. Chances are he's that way with any other woman he dates. It's just a matter of style, of manners, of upbringing.
The part about him being distant is much more reflective of where is mind is relative to feelings -- he doesn't have them for you. He likes you, enjoys your company when he feels like having it, but he can live without you just fine, and often times, prefers it.
Even if he tries to get you back after you break up with him, his efforts are like they were in the beginning when he chased you -- they only reflect the fun of the chase, the ego boost that comes from having you succumb to his charm.
By: CeCe
Age: 30
Location: California
Question: So, I've dated this guy off and on. He runs really hot and cold. Some weeks he's really attentive, and then other weeks he is really distant. In the past, I've freaked out at this and broken it off with him twice.
When we are together, he is really affectionate and sweet, more so than any other guy I've dated. He does REALLY nice things for me that sometimes blow me away because he is so distant other times.
The guy is divorced twice with children that live with him full time. He was cheated on and walked out on.
I feel like whenever I feel we get close, he pulls away. We hang out, and he is super affectionate and sweet and wonderful, and then attentive for 3-4 days after, and then gets distant again. And sometimes I feel that when I start making more effort, it pushes him away more. It's not about sex, because we haven't been together in a while. I don't want to get together with someone that runs so hot and cold.
I don't understand because in the beginning he was all chase chase chase and into me gangbusters style.
Should I just give up on a lost cause or try being patient for a change?
VictorM's advice:
Being attentive, affectionate, sweet and wonderful when he's around is a reflection of his personality, not of feelings for you. Chances are he's that way with any other woman he dates. It's just a matter of style, of manners, of upbringing.
The part about him being distant is much more reflective of where is mind is relative to feelings -- he doesn't have them for you. He likes you, enjoys your company when he feels like having it, but he can live without you just fine, and often times, prefers it.
Even if he tries to get you back after you break up with him, his efforts are like they were in the beginning when he chased you -- they only reflect the fun of the chase, the ego boost that comes from having you succumb to his charm.
what can I do to attract a guy?
Submitted on Sunday, November 22, 2009
By: Sasha
Age: 22
Location: North Carolina
Question: ufff you caught me..well never thought you would answer my questions! Thanks for answering them! Well all that about some women being to good is great and all but what good is it if you´re alone! So what can I do to attract a guy, I am not unfriendly, on the contrary I am very outgoing. And in regards to my guy friend, his girlfriend knows and has met me. Again I would never mess with a guy with a girlfriend, if they do it to her they will do it to you!!! I was talking to a friend today and I complained about the guy situation, and she told me that it was me, that guys are constantly throwing themselves at me and I always turn them down! why does it not feel like that to me! Yeah of course its easy to make out with someone at a club, but that´s not what I am looking for. ahhh is it me, what can I change?
VictorM's advice:
haha I did catch you, but I won't say how, just in case you try it again. ;)
Anyway, back to your situation... try this: next time some guy asks you out say yes, or if you think some guy shows interest in you, ask him out. Start casually dating, even if it's guys you're not attracted to. Here's why: most guys probably assume that you already have a boyfriend or that they wouldn't stand a chance with a girl like you. By dating average guys, you send the message that you are datable and approachable. Over time, that could expand your options. And hey, even if it doesn't work, at least you'll get some free dinners and drinks out of it
By: Sasha
Age: 22
Location: North Carolina
Question: ufff you caught me..well never thought you would answer my questions! Thanks for answering them! Well all that about some women being to good is great and all but what good is it if you´re alone! So what can I do to attract a guy, I am not unfriendly, on the contrary I am very outgoing. And in regards to my guy friend, his girlfriend knows and has met me. Again I would never mess with a guy with a girlfriend, if they do it to her they will do it to you!!! I was talking to a friend today and I complained about the guy situation, and she told me that it was me, that guys are constantly throwing themselves at me and I always turn them down! why does it not feel like that to me! Yeah of course its easy to make out with someone at a club, but that´s not what I am looking for. ahhh is it me, what can I change?
VictorM's advice:
haha I did catch you, but I won't say how, just in case you try it again. ;)
Anyway, back to your situation... try this: next time some guy asks you out say yes, or if you think some guy shows interest in you, ask him out. Start casually dating, even if it's guys you're not attracted to. Here's why: most guys probably assume that you already have a boyfriend or that they wouldn't stand a chance with a girl like you. By dating average guys, you send the message that you are datable and approachable. Over time, that could expand your options. And hey, even if it doesn't work, at least you'll get some free dinners and drinks out of it
hey i'll hook you up with him
Submitted on Sunday, November 22, 2009
By: erika
Age: 17
Location: nevada
Question: I like this guy in my math class. I've been talking to him everyday during class and we became really good friends. We were talking about basketball since both of us are really into it when his friend came over and talked about another guy whose really good. Out of no where he blurts out "hey i'll hook you up with him". Then he starts pointing out other guys saying "Hey i'll hook you up with him". Why is he asking me this? It was really random.What does it even mean?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's trying to find out about your personal life, if you have a boyfriend or not, if you're interested in dating or in other guys, that sorta thing.
By: erika
Age: 17
Location: nevada
Question: I like this guy in my math class. I've been talking to him everyday during class and we became really good friends. We were talking about basketball since both of us are really into it when his friend came over and talked about another guy whose really good. Out of no where he blurts out "hey i'll hook you up with him". Then he starts pointing out other guys saying "Hey i'll hook you up with him". Why is he asking me this? It was really random.What does it even mean?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's trying to find out about your personal life, if you have a boyfriend or not, if you're interested in dating or in other guys, that sorta thing.
He's sooooo shy and serious
Submitted on Sunday, November 22, 2009
By: maali
Age: 22
Location: tunisia
Question: few months ago i met this guy who happens to be my little nephew's swimming coach. well i have to admit that i liked him since the first moment i saw him but i really didn't think that anything could happen between us since he's sooooo shy and serious. with time he started paying more attention to me and giving me flirtious looks but when our eyes meet or when we come close he blushes and says "hey" nervously. so i took the initiative and asked him a random question just to break the ice and see what happens and to my surprise he seemed to be very happy with me talking to him and he came and sat by my side and was talking and smiling and looking at me straight in the eyes....and we exchanged phone numbers; but he never called. so i took the initiative again and sent him a message just asking how he was doing and he texted me back then gave me a missed call then texted me again and said that he liked my ringtone. yet when we met face to face after that he was so nervous as if he did something wrong but he kept on looking and smiling as usual and beying friendly (saying hi and walking me and my sister and her son to the car...) the thing is that he wants to talk to me as he always sits y my side when he sees me but he doesn't say anything more than the usual hi and how are you doing ... he became a very good friend with my sister (he knows her for more than a year but never talked to her until i started going to the pool). she once asked him in front of me about a ring he was wearing in his left hand and answered that it was a gift from his sister and said that he was not engaged in any kind of relationship and looked at me as if i were the one who asked the question. well yesterday he came and talked to me then he asked me if i read the announcement about the holiday they are going to take next week but i really dunno why he asked me that question!!!! and later he offered to give my nephew a ride home and he did and everything was going very well until i texted him just asking him how was the ride with my nephew and told him that he liked it a lot but he never answered! tha thing is he is very well mannered he never ignores me and i was shocked to not hearing from him. i really want to understand this guy; does he like me or not? and should i go through with this thing or back off, as i'm starting to fall for him. is it that difficult to get him to ask me out or what? please help!!!
VictorM's advice:
He asked you questions because he was trying to make conversation, something that's not easy for him to do because of his shyness.
He's not only afraid of asking you out because it would devastating if you turned him down, but I suspect he's even more afraid of asking you out and you saying yes. That's because he would have to deal with you after the "yes" and he's simply not ready for that. Sure, he's smitten by you, seeks to be around you, but chances are that he doesn't know you well enough to know if he wants a relationship with you yet. Unlike girls, guys like to take their time before they get serious.
So, continue to talk to him. Hopefully, he will get a little more courageous while getting to know you better. Encourage him but do not be too aggressive. He'll either lose all interest in you or make a move. Hopefully before you're 70 years old. :)
By: maali
Age: 22
Location: tunisia
Question: few months ago i met this guy who happens to be my little nephew's swimming coach. well i have to admit that i liked him since the first moment i saw him but i really didn't think that anything could happen between us since he's sooooo shy and serious. with time he started paying more attention to me and giving me flirtious looks but when our eyes meet or when we come close he blushes and says "hey" nervously. so i took the initiative and asked him a random question just to break the ice and see what happens and to my surprise he seemed to be very happy with me talking to him and he came and sat by my side and was talking and smiling and looking at me straight in the eyes....and we exchanged phone numbers; but he never called. so i took the initiative again and sent him a message just asking how he was doing and he texted me back then gave me a missed call then texted me again and said that he liked my ringtone. yet when we met face to face after that he was so nervous as if he did something wrong but he kept on looking and smiling as usual and beying friendly (saying hi and walking me and my sister and her son to the car...) the thing is that he wants to talk to me as he always sits y my side when he sees me but he doesn't say anything more than the usual hi and how are you doing ... he became a very good friend with my sister (he knows her for more than a year but never talked to her until i started going to the pool). she once asked him in front of me about a ring he was wearing in his left hand and answered that it was a gift from his sister and said that he was not engaged in any kind of relationship and looked at me as if i were the one who asked the question. well yesterday he came and talked to me then he asked me if i read the announcement about the holiday they are going to take next week but i really dunno why he asked me that question!!!! and later he offered to give my nephew a ride home and he did and everything was going very well until i texted him just asking him how was the ride with my nephew and told him that he liked it a lot but he never answered! tha thing is he is very well mannered he never ignores me and i was shocked to not hearing from him. i really want to understand this guy; does he like me or not? and should i go through with this thing or back off, as i'm starting to fall for him. is it that difficult to get him to ask me out or what? please help!!!
VictorM's advice:
He asked you questions because he was trying to make conversation, something that's not easy for him to do because of his shyness.
He's not only afraid of asking you out because it would devastating if you turned him down, but I suspect he's even more afraid of asking you out and you saying yes. That's because he would have to deal with you after the "yes" and he's simply not ready for that. Sure, he's smitten by you, seeks to be around you, but chances are that he doesn't know you well enough to know if he wants a relationship with you yet. Unlike girls, guys like to take their time before they get serious.
So, continue to talk to him. Hopefully, he will get a little more courageous while getting to know you better. Encourage him but do not be too aggressive. He'll either lose all interest in you or make a move. Hopefully before you're 70 years old. :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
I met this amazing guy at a local Fair
Submitted on Sunday, November 22, 2009
By: D'Cai
Age: 46
Location: Sweeny TX
Question: I met this amazing guy at a local Fair. We hit it off and by the end of the night he was holding my hand while we walked around. We saw each other for the next four days. Then he went out of town to work. Didn't hear from him for a month. Then, out of the blue he text and wanted to see me. We got together again and it was like time had not passed. Didn't hear from him for a week, then again he text wanting to see me the next day. But, never heard from him and he didn't show.
We have the best time together, we laugh and talk like old friends. We make plans. Then, nothing? Even his friends say he seems crazy about me. Why the hot and cold?
VictorM's advice:
His friends are wrong, he's not crazy about you. He enjoys your company when he feels like spending his time with you. But let's face it, he's not that much into you; he just has the ability to make it seem so.
By: D'Cai
Age: 46
Location: Sweeny TX
Question: I met this amazing guy at a local Fair. We hit it off and by the end of the night he was holding my hand while we walked around. We saw each other for the next four days. Then he went out of town to work. Didn't hear from him for a month. Then, out of the blue he text and wanted to see me. We got together again and it was like time had not passed. Didn't hear from him for a week, then again he text wanting to see me the next day. But, never heard from him and he didn't show.
We have the best time together, we laugh and talk like old friends. We make plans. Then, nothing? Even his friends say he seems crazy about me. Why the hot and cold?
VictorM's advice:
His friends are wrong, he's not crazy about you. He enjoys your company when he feels like spending his time with you. But let's face it, he's not that much into you; he just has the ability to make it seem so.
I want to lose my virginity to somebody I love
Submitted on Saturday, November 21, 2009
By: Melanie
Age: 20
Location: Ann Arbor
Question: I'm a virgin. Call me traditional, but I want to lose my virginity to somebody I love and with whom I am in a relationship. This is a two part question, I suppose. First: what are the odds that I'm going to find, in a college town, a guy who doesn't only want to get laid? Secondly: if I do find a suitable candidate, how can I be sure that he's the type that will stick around after we have sex?
VictorM's advice:
I'd say plenty, you just have to look for guys that denote that intention. Don't rush into sex and see if they stick around.
If you want a guarantee, buy a product or service that offers one; romance comes with no such thing.
By: Melanie
Age: 20
Location: Ann Arbor
Question: I'm a virgin. Call me traditional, but I want to lose my virginity to somebody I love and with whom I am in a relationship. This is a two part question, I suppose. First: what are the odds that I'm going to find, in a college town, a guy who doesn't only want to get laid? Secondly: if I do find a suitable candidate, how can I be sure that he's the type that will stick around after we have sex?
VictorM's advice:
I'd say plenty, you just have to look for guys that denote that intention. Don't rush into sex and see if they stick around.
If you want a guarantee, buy a product or service that offers one; romance comes with no such thing.
I accidentally bumped into a guy
Submitted on Saturday, November 21, 2009
By: Rosa
Age: 15
Location: Toronto
Question: Yesterday, I accidentally bumped into a guy I & my friend like. She asked him for his number & went away. Awhile later he comes to me to give me his number. Is that a sign that he likes me? & should i wait a few says before texting him?
VictorM's advice:
Not necessarily. If he liked you, chances are that he would have asked for your number. He's just trying to find out if you like him. Why, I have no idea.
By: Rosa
Age: 15
Location: Toronto
Question: Yesterday, I accidentally bumped into a guy I & my friend like. She asked him for his number & went away. Awhile later he comes to me to give me his number. Is that a sign that he likes me? & should i wait a few says before texting him?
VictorM's advice:
Not necessarily. If he liked you, chances are that he would have asked for your number. He's just trying to find out if you like him. Why, I have no idea.
You're going to get pregnant
Submitted on Friday, November 20, 2009
By: Judith
Age: 25
Location: New Mexico
Question: My husband and I have been together for awhile now, we have a 5 year old daughter together. I'm thinking it's about time to start trying for another one. The thing is my husband says it's not the right time with the economy the way it is. BUT he keeps saying this or that is what he would want to name our son or daughter, and half the time he just doesn't put a condom on (although he does kind of pull out, but not always right away). He also keeps saying things like "You're going to get pregnant" but he doesn't sound like he is worried or upset, just like he is stating a fact. Does he, or does he not want another baby? Is is just that he does want one?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he doesn't want to plan for one, but if one comes, well, he'll be fine about it.
My guess is that he doesn't want to be called irresponsible by others for purposely bringing another child to the world, but if it's an "accident," what could he do?
By: Judith
Age: 25
Location: New Mexico
Question: My husband and I have been together for awhile now, we have a 5 year old daughter together. I'm thinking it's about time to start trying for another one. The thing is my husband says it's not the right time with the economy the way it is. BUT he keeps saying this or that is what he would want to name our son or daughter, and half the time he just doesn't put a condom on (although he does kind of pull out, but not always right away). He also keeps saying things like "You're going to get pregnant" but he doesn't sound like he is worried or upset, just like he is stating a fact. Does he, or does he not want another baby? Is is just that he does want one?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he doesn't want to plan for one, but if one comes, well, he'll be fine about it.
My guess is that he doesn't want to be called irresponsible by others for purposely bringing another child to the world, but if it's an "accident," what could he do?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Not ready for a relationship
Submitted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
By: Kelsey
Age: 16
Location: California
Question: Okay so my situation is i am a high school girl and i like this guy. Typical situation now a days. We have been in the same class together for 3 years but we never really talked until maybe a month ago. We started texting and getting to know each other and he has told me he also likes me. We text each other everyday and act like we like each other so much in texts. I feel so comfortable telling him so much even though i really haven't known him THAT long. He seems like a really good kid, gets good grades, does sports, a parent's dream kid. I asked him when we first started liking each other what this could lead too, and he told me most likely a relationship, which made me happy. We have never actually hung out though, but he tells me what we we're going to do if we were to hang out. We made a date to hang out but its not for a month, and i don't know why he wants to wait so long. so after about 2-3 weeks of texting he told me that he is "not ready for a relationship" and just wants to be friends with benefits for now. But it cant be because he is afraid of a relationship because he said all his past relationships never ended bad. What i really want to know is what "not ready" means, he tells me it just means he isnt ready. I've asked him about another girl, he said no. I've asked him if he isnt telling me something, he said no. I can't figure out what it means. and its driving me crazy. Every time i bring it up he acts like he doesn't want to talk about it. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
"Not ready for a relationship" means "not ready for a relationship with you." It doesn't mean he has another girl in sight (although he might); it's really that guys thinking of a relationship as giving up freedom, and he's not ready to do that over you. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, but he's not ready to give up playing the field or considering other girls.
There's nothing to talk about, really. He's told you how he feels. You either become a friend with benefits, just a friend, or stop talking to him. You aren't going to change his mind by being a nag about it.
By: Kelsey
Age: 16
Location: California
Question: Okay so my situation is i am a high school girl and i like this guy. Typical situation now a days. We have been in the same class together for 3 years but we never really talked until maybe a month ago. We started texting and getting to know each other and he has told me he also likes me. We text each other everyday and act like we like each other so much in texts. I feel so comfortable telling him so much even though i really haven't known him THAT long. He seems like a really good kid, gets good grades, does sports, a parent's dream kid. I asked him when we first started liking each other what this could lead too, and he told me most likely a relationship, which made me happy. We have never actually hung out though, but he tells me what we we're going to do if we were to hang out. We made a date to hang out but its not for a month, and i don't know why he wants to wait so long. so after about 2-3 weeks of texting he told me that he is "not ready for a relationship" and just wants to be friends with benefits for now. But it cant be because he is afraid of a relationship because he said all his past relationships never ended bad. What i really want to know is what "not ready" means, he tells me it just means he isnt ready. I've asked him about another girl, he said no. I've asked him if he isnt telling me something, he said no. I can't figure out what it means. and its driving me crazy. Every time i bring it up he acts like he doesn't want to talk about it. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
"Not ready for a relationship" means "not ready for a relationship with you." It doesn't mean he has another girl in sight (although he might); it's really that guys thinking of a relationship as giving up freedom, and he's not ready to do that over you. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, but he's not ready to give up playing the field or considering other girls.
There's nothing to talk about, really. He's told you how he feels. You either become a friend with benefits, just a friend, or stop talking to him. You aren't going to change his mind by being a nag about it.
Is he just looking for me to stroke his ego
Submitted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
By: Wendy
Age: 25
Location: NY
Question: I just wanted to know how personal does a guy who only views you as a friend get? I went out with a guy who claimed to like me (and even went around telling people he was interested in me-indeed, that is how I found out), but then got into a relationship with another female who he had feelings for and a bit of history with. He flirts with me all of the time and seems to act jealous when I mention other guys and asks me repeatedly about who else I am seeing, about my personal life, about my future goals and plans, compliments me on my clothing and looks all of the time, stares at me, always tries to get my attention like a little boy. Is he just looking for me to stroke his ego like I did before he got into a relationship or could he genuinely still have feelings for me and he's trying to keep the fire going in case he ever wanted to try to come back? He says he's just being friends and he's a friendly guy, but how much do guy friends really care about their female friends personal lives? Is he being a friend or is he still interested in me? I'm not asking in hopes we'll run off into the sunset together, I just don't know if he's using me or not and if he is, I really don't even want to be his friend.
VictorM's advice:
Friendship has nothing to do with this; it's all about his ego. He flirts with you because he can, because you respond, because he feels you're interested in him. Nothing boots a guy's ego like being around a girl he thinks likes him more than he likes her. All the interest in your personal life is to keep you in this mode.
He went out with you but then chose another; he has no feelings for you.
By: Wendy
Age: 25
Location: NY
Question: I just wanted to know how personal does a guy who only views you as a friend get? I went out with a guy who claimed to like me (and even went around telling people he was interested in me-indeed, that is how I found out), but then got into a relationship with another female who he had feelings for and a bit of history with. He flirts with me all of the time and seems to act jealous when I mention other guys and asks me repeatedly about who else I am seeing, about my personal life, about my future goals and plans, compliments me on my clothing and looks all of the time, stares at me, always tries to get my attention like a little boy. Is he just looking for me to stroke his ego like I did before he got into a relationship or could he genuinely still have feelings for me and he's trying to keep the fire going in case he ever wanted to try to come back? He says he's just being friends and he's a friendly guy, but how much do guy friends really care about their female friends personal lives? Is he being a friend or is he still interested in me? I'm not asking in hopes we'll run off into the sunset together, I just don't know if he's using me or not and if he is, I really don't even want to be his friend.
VictorM's advice:
Friendship has nothing to do with this; it's all about his ego. He flirts with you because he can, because you respond, because he feels you're interested in him. Nothing boots a guy's ego like being around a girl he thinks likes him more than he likes her. All the interest in your personal life is to keep you in this mode.
He went out with you but then chose another; he has no feelings for you.
We both are extremely athletic
Submitted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
By: Sasha
Age: 22
Location: NC
Question: Well I have a guy friend, We met because we both are extremely athletic. We only met a couple months ago but we have become amazing friends. To be quite honest when I met him I thought he was not ugly, but not anyone I could ever like, but he was an amazing person. After a little while I found myself extremely attracted towards him, but since he had a girlfriend I did nothing (I could never do something like that). Like I said we have become really good friends, he tells me pretty much everything, we talk constantly, he calls me gorgeous, tags me on FB as the person he cannot live without, and even asked me if he should break up with his girlfriend (I told him it was his decision to make, that it depends if he wants to be with her or not) and every once in a while he looks at me in a way that friends are not supposed to. He already has all these plans for when I go visit him at home, on where he´s going to take me, show me etc. What is going through his head? I am so confused!! please help me!
VictorM's advice:
Say hello to "Kathryn" for me :)
He's smitten by you. And he'll learn more about you under the guise of friendship. Where it will lead, no one knows.
Tell me, does his girlfriend know that you're going to visit him? I suppose she does because you're not that type of girl... right?
By: Sasha
Age: 22
Location: NC
Question: Well I have a guy friend, We met because we both are extremely athletic. We only met a couple months ago but we have become amazing friends. To be quite honest when I met him I thought he was not ugly, but not anyone I could ever like, but he was an amazing person. After a little while I found myself extremely attracted towards him, but since he had a girlfriend I did nothing (I could never do something like that). Like I said we have become really good friends, he tells me pretty much everything, we talk constantly, he calls me gorgeous, tags me on FB as the person he cannot live without, and even asked me if he should break up with his girlfriend (I told him it was his decision to make, that it depends if he wants to be with her or not) and every once in a while he looks at me in a way that friends are not supposed to. He already has all these plans for when I go visit him at home, on where he´s going to take me, show me etc. What is going through his head? I am so confused!! please help me!
VictorM's advice:
Say hello to "Kathryn" for me :)
He's smitten by you. And he'll learn more about you under the guise of friendship. Where it will lead, no one knows.
Tell me, does his girlfriend know that you're going to visit him? I suppose she does because you're not that type of girl... right?
I am still single
Submitted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
By: Kathryn
Age: 22
Location: North Carolina
Question: Lately I have started to become worried. I can´t figure out what´s wrong with me. I have tons of friends, people constantly tell me that i´m gorgeous, amazing, fun to be around etc... Yet I am still single. I have a million guy friends, and I am really athletic, I love sports and having fun in general. Could there be something about me that drives guys away? Also, I can understand how guys seem to go for less attractive girls, why is that?
VictorM's advice:
Could be for reasons I explained in this previous question and answer.
By: Kathryn
Age: 22
Location: North Carolina
Question: Lately I have started to become worried. I can´t figure out what´s wrong with me. I have tons of friends, people constantly tell me that i´m gorgeous, amazing, fun to be around etc... Yet I am still single. I have a million guy friends, and I am really athletic, I love sports and having fun in general. Could there be something about me that drives guys away? Also, I can understand how guys seem to go for less attractive girls, why is that?
VictorM's advice:
Could be for reasons I explained in this previous question and answer.
He started flirting with me
Submitted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
By: Phoebe
Age: 27
Location: Georgia
Question: I am really interested in a guy at work but he has a girlfriend. He started flirting with me, chatting online for hours, and eventually he suggested I come hang out with him at this bar. Well, I went and we had a great time just talking and drinking. The next time I met him at this bar, he only stayed for about an hour.
We talk about everything from sex life, his girlfriend, work, etc.
This guy was engaged to a psychotic woman who just broke off their engagement with no explanation. He is still screwed up over it, and has been dating a really cute 18 year old girl for about 5 months. I think he is only dating her because he knows it will never work. I guess my question is did this guy just start flirting with me to see how far he could get, did he just want a good friend, or is he actually interested? What do you recommend I do?
VictorM's advice:
He's flirting and talking to you for one reason: to boost his ego. He has no need for your friendship.
You are doing something that harms you more than it helps you in choosing the right mate: you believe anything you want and even invent stuff to ignore otherwise blatant red flags. Case in point: you said he was was engaged to a psychotic woman. Well, maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. How would you know? But you like to believe it because it may explain why he's screwed up instead of considering that maybe his ex just had enough of his screwy attitude. You are also trying to read too much into why he's dating a cute 18 year old. Maybe he's seeing her because he likes her, even if he's not respecting her (if it's happening to her, why would you think it won't happen to you?)
The guy has a girlfriend and he's coming on to you. That should be enough for you to be suspicious about him.
By: Phoebe
Age: 27
Location: Georgia
Question: I am really interested in a guy at work but he has a girlfriend. He started flirting with me, chatting online for hours, and eventually he suggested I come hang out with him at this bar. Well, I went and we had a great time just talking and drinking. The next time I met him at this bar, he only stayed for about an hour.
We talk about everything from sex life, his girlfriend, work, etc.
This guy was engaged to a psychotic woman who just broke off their engagement with no explanation. He is still screwed up over it, and has been dating a really cute 18 year old girl for about 5 months. I think he is only dating her because he knows it will never work. I guess my question is did this guy just start flirting with me to see how far he could get, did he just want a good friend, or is he actually interested? What do you recommend I do?
VictorM's advice:
He's flirting and talking to you for one reason: to boost his ego. He has no need for your friendship.
You are doing something that harms you more than it helps you in choosing the right mate: you believe anything you want and even invent stuff to ignore otherwise blatant red flags. Case in point: you said he was was engaged to a psychotic woman. Well, maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. How would you know? But you like to believe it because it may explain why he's screwed up instead of considering that maybe his ex just had enough of his screwy attitude. You are also trying to read too much into why he's dating a cute 18 year old. Maybe he's seeing her because he likes her, even if he's not respecting her (if it's happening to her, why would you think it won't happen to you?)
The guy has a girlfriend and he's coming on to you. That should be enough for you to be suspicious about him.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Does this appear salvageable?
Submitted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
By: Shelley
Age: 35
Location: Tennessee
Question: Hello, Victor. I appreciate your candor. So, here I am...giving you the brief details. I am in a 5 year relationship with a man a few years older. We've lived together for 3 years and I have been our main support throughout most of it. There have been many broken promises with excuses, mostly about money. We have been through Hell and back for our kids, which has been a continuing tremendous stress from exes, for whom we have children with.
He has an apparent ego problem.(e.g.) most all conversation ends up about him, the past, rich friends, and how all these girls really wanted him. He constantly talked about how bad his ex was, until i repeatedly explained it was a relationship killer. We go nowhere and do nothing together. He asks why I do not give my opinion or talk. When I do talk, I am cut-off as he talks over my attempts, gets disgruntled, or disagrees even when I am agreeing with him. When i ask questions about touchy subjects (money, his ex), or try to simply ask anything without ill intent, he gets super agitated and flips it on me if i have a calm complaint that I didn't like his disrespect when he is being rude, loud, and talks to me like I am a fool. He is intelligent, which I found attractive in the beginning. He does this when I am calm and trying not to attack his character, which I unintentionally do from time to time. I have observed what I perceive as a slow progression of bs, enabling, and more. We are both interested in a lot of the same, although I feel so shut down by him that we don't enjoy them together. This has progressed to him making sarcastic comments, being super bossy, it's always my fault, what has he done now, or cussing.
Based off of what info I offer, does this appear salvageable? I presented the idea of counseling and he stated we did not have the money. We really don't. He was not angered by it. He's aware of some of his behavior. I see him try. We love each other, but it seems distant and stressful some.
I thanks for your opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Without professional counseling, no, it's not salvageable. You're going to waste your life away with this man. You're going to grow increasingly more frustrated, become crankier, and at some point realize that your best years to find a more suitable mate have passed you by.
By: Shelley
Age: 35
Location: Tennessee
Question: Hello, Victor. I appreciate your candor. So, here I am...giving you the brief details. I am in a 5 year relationship with a man a few years older. We've lived together for 3 years and I have been our main support throughout most of it. There have been many broken promises with excuses, mostly about money. We have been through Hell and back for our kids, which has been a continuing tremendous stress from exes, for whom we have children with.
He has an apparent ego problem.(e.g.) most all conversation ends up about him, the past, rich friends, and how all these girls really wanted him. He constantly talked about how bad his ex was, until i repeatedly explained it was a relationship killer. We go nowhere and do nothing together. He asks why I do not give my opinion or talk. When I do talk, I am cut-off as he talks over my attempts, gets disgruntled, or disagrees even when I am agreeing with him. When i ask questions about touchy subjects (money, his ex), or try to simply ask anything without ill intent, he gets super agitated and flips it on me if i have a calm complaint that I didn't like his disrespect when he is being rude, loud, and talks to me like I am a fool. He is intelligent, which I found attractive in the beginning. He does this when I am calm and trying not to attack his character, which I unintentionally do from time to time. I have observed what I perceive as a slow progression of bs, enabling, and more. We are both interested in a lot of the same, although I feel so shut down by him that we don't enjoy them together. This has progressed to him making sarcastic comments, being super bossy, it's always my fault, what has he done now, or cussing.
Based off of what info I offer, does this appear salvageable? I presented the idea of counseling and he stated we did not have the money. We really don't. He was not angered by it. He's aware of some of his behavior. I see him try. We love each other, but it seems distant and stressful some.
I thanks for your opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Without professional counseling, no, it's not salvageable. You're going to waste your life away with this man. You're going to grow increasingly more frustrated, become crankier, and at some point realize that your best years to find a more suitable mate have passed you by.
He cracked a joke and hit me lightly on the arm
Submitted on Thursday, November 19, 2009
By: Caroline
Age: 25
Location: New Zealand
Question: Hi Victor,
I’ve been working in a research and development organisation for about 4 years. I’m 25 and haven’t much experience or confidence when it comes to men. There’s a man I like in the company, who’s in his early 30s and who is quite a bit senior to me. I’ve known him since I started in the company and have worked with him at odd times.
A couple of months ago, he volunteered to take on a project and I was assigned to assist him with it. I have a weekly meeting with him in his office; he usually gets off track, and starts cracking jokes or talking about movies he likes. I often have to get him back on track. Last week, we had to visit a researcher from another company. We sat together on the sofa in the researcher’s office and he cracked a joke and hit me lightly on the arm. After it was over, he offered to drive me home, which is miles out of his way. Last Friday he had some reports I needed and offered to deliver them to me at home on the weekend, again miles out of his way. And he’s taken to touching me on the shoulder lately.
I really like this man, but I’m not sure how he sees me. I don’t want to make a fool of myself if he just sees me as a work colleague and is only being friendly because we’re working together. I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this.
VictorM's advice:
Does he touch other females as well, and is he generally the helpful type with others? More than the attention he pays you, what you want to look for is behavior towards you that differs from others.
There is no question that touching, if he's not that way with others, is a big indicator that you've caught his attention beyond work interest. The problem is that guys often do this to pass the time, a way to make work somewhat more pleasant. Even if he is interested, it's possible that the idea of being coworkers will prevent him from being anything more than flirty.
Given the work situation, and the limited examples you've given, it would be a mistake to assume he sees you as more than a colleague. Also, given the limited contact outside of work, the touching might suggest a purely sexual attraction.
By: Caroline
Age: 25
Location: New Zealand
Question: Hi Victor,
I’ve been working in a research and development organisation for about 4 years. I’m 25 and haven’t much experience or confidence when it comes to men. There’s a man I like in the company, who’s in his early 30s and who is quite a bit senior to me. I’ve known him since I started in the company and have worked with him at odd times.
A couple of months ago, he volunteered to take on a project and I was assigned to assist him with it. I have a weekly meeting with him in his office; he usually gets off track, and starts cracking jokes or talking about movies he likes. I often have to get him back on track. Last week, we had to visit a researcher from another company. We sat together on the sofa in the researcher’s office and he cracked a joke and hit me lightly on the arm. After it was over, he offered to drive me home, which is miles out of his way. Last Friday he had some reports I needed and offered to deliver them to me at home on the weekend, again miles out of his way. And he’s taken to touching me on the shoulder lately.
I really like this man, but I’m not sure how he sees me. I don’t want to make a fool of myself if he just sees me as a work colleague and is only being friendly because we’re working together. I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this.
VictorM's advice:
Does he touch other females as well, and is he generally the helpful type with others? More than the attention he pays you, what you want to look for is behavior towards you that differs from others.
There is no question that touching, if he's not that way with others, is a big indicator that you've caught his attention beyond work interest. The problem is that guys often do this to pass the time, a way to make work somewhat more pleasant. Even if he is interested, it's possible that the idea of being coworkers will prevent him from being anything more than flirty.
Given the work situation, and the limited examples you've given, it would be a mistake to assume he sees you as more than a colleague. Also, given the limited contact outside of work, the touching might suggest a purely sexual attraction.
Things started as casual sex
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
By: Kia
Age: 23
Location: PA
Question: I've been seeing this guy for the past few months. Things started as casual sex and progressed into dating. I know that some people say casual sex rarely progresses into something more, but things seem to be going well. I guess my question is how do guys decide they want to proceed from this point to a relationship? I'm not trying to push anything, just genuinely curious, since I feel we started things a bit backwards.
VictorM's advice:
Generally, guys avoid the "relationship" label until it becomes necessary to get what they want. In your case, he's dating you whenever he wants, and having sex whenever he wants... really, why should he want a relationship and limit himself? He's going to keep his options open as long as he can.
If a relationship is your goal, I don't think things are progressing from the initial casual sex as smoothly as you believe they are.
By: Kia
Age: 23
Location: PA
Question: I've been seeing this guy for the past few months. Things started as casual sex and progressed into dating. I know that some people say casual sex rarely progresses into something more, but things seem to be going well. I guess my question is how do guys decide they want to proceed from this point to a relationship? I'm not trying to push anything, just genuinely curious, since I feel we started things a bit backwards.
VictorM's advice:
Generally, guys avoid the "relationship" label until it becomes necessary to get what they want. In your case, he's dating you whenever he wants, and having sex whenever he wants... really, why should he want a relationship and limit himself? He's going to keep his options open as long as he can.
If a relationship is your goal, I don't think things are progressing from the initial casual sex as smoothly as you believe they are.
He's a senior and I'm a freshman
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
By: Shannon
Age: 15
Location: PA
Question: So, there is this guy who I like. Problem is--he's a senior and I'm a freshman. I always talk to him on the way back from school (it is a 2 hour ride) and we are like soulmates or something. I wrote him a poem, so when/how do I tell him how I feel about him/give him the poem.
And some additional information:
-I've never dated anyone before
-I'm in this for someone who care about me, not for sex
-I'm clueless
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT give him the poem. Poems are cool and all that but only AFTER you're a couple, not before.
Just continue to be friendly without gushing too much over him. Guys are usually turned off by a "sure thing"; they prefer to work for your attention. Let him seduce you and work your magic on you. If he's not interested in you that way this week, he could be next week, so be patient.
By: Shannon
Age: 15
Location: PA
Question: So, there is this guy who I like. Problem is--he's a senior and I'm a freshman. I always talk to him on the way back from school (it is a 2 hour ride) and we are like soulmates or something. I wrote him a poem, so when/how do I tell him how I feel about him/give him the poem.
And some additional information:
-I've never dated anyone before
-I'm in this for someone who care about me, not for sex
-I'm clueless
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT give him the poem. Poems are cool and all that but only AFTER you're a couple, not before.
Just continue to be friendly without gushing too much over him. Guys are usually turned off by a "sure thing"; they prefer to work for your attention. Let him seduce you and work your magic on you. If he's not interested in you that way this week, he could be next week, so be patient.
My son throws huge tantrums
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
By: katie
Age: 25
Location: oregon
Question: I met this guy online and we instantly hit it off! we spend almost everyday together for almost 3 weeks. we both have kids, so it kinda fit. and everything was great! he would always text me or call me. My son throws huge tantrums and had a few one night and the next day when talking about it he said that he likes me a lot but that my son is a bad influence on his daughter... since he has been distant as far as texting and calling but when we are together everything is fine! we still cuddle and talk and everything! for the past 2 days i have had very little contact with him. if i text him he will eventually text me back and the texts seem like his normal ones. he said he would call me last night , but didnt. which s fine but i havent heard from him at all today besides one text this am.
VictorM's advice:
Men aren't machines that can be calibrated to perform exactly the same tasks everyday with the same level of interest. We have moods, distractions, and a variety of other things that limit our ability to be the same way everyday. Unless there is something else at play, he's just being normal.
One caution: this idea of spending almost everyday together is not very healthy. For one thing, it can't be sustained for too long: individuals -- and men much more so than women -- need their own alone time.
Lastly, I know this is not what wrote about, but I can't help but pass on to you this piece I wrote a few years ago about tantrums. It may help with your son:
By: katie
Age: 25
Location: oregon
Question: I met this guy online and we instantly hit it off! we spend almost everyday together for almost 3 weeks. we both have kids, so it kinda fit. and everything was great! he would always text me or call me. My son throws huge tantrums and had a few one night and the next day when talking about it he said that he likes me a lot but that my son is a bad influence on his daughter... since he has been distant as far as texting and calling but when we are together everything is fine! we still cuddle and talk and everything! for the past 2 days i have had very little contact with him. if i text him he will eventually text me back and the texts seem like his normal ones. he said he would call me last night , but didnt. which s fine but i havent heard from him at all today besides one text this am.
VictorM's advice:
Men aren't machines that can be calibrated to perform exactly the same tasks everyday with the same level of interest. We have moods, distractions, and a variety of other things that limit our ability to be the same way everyday. Unless there is something else at play, he's just being normal.
One caution: this idea of spending almost everyday together is not very healthy. For one thing, it can't be sustained for too long: individuals -- and men much more so than women -- need their own alone time.
Lastly, I know this is not what wrote about, but I can't help but pass on to you this piece I wrote a few years ago about tantrums. It may help with your son:
When my daughter was about two she started these terrible tantrums where she would stomp her feet, bounce herself against the wall, and scream loudly. Her mother and I tried everything to make her stop, but when we did she just got more out of hand. Although we didn’t believe in spanking, there were a couple of times that out of frustration we slapped her legs. Of course, that didn’t help either.See, the thing is, tantrums are a cry for attention; the more attention you give him, the more the tantrums will continue. Even yelling and spanking are forms of attention, so they don't really solve the problem.
One day we were at a party and that subject came up. Some lady suggested that we simply ignore her when she throws the tantrum. Just keep doing whatever we were doing as if our daughter wasn’t even there. This seemed a bit odd, but we figured we had nothing to lose; whatever we had been trying wasn’t working anyway.
The next time our daughter threw one of these tantrums her mother and I were sitting at the kitchen table having dinner. Her mother’s first reaction was to get up but I held her hand and asked her to give that lady’s suggestion a try. So we both just sat there, eating and talking while our daughter was in the hallway stomping her feet, bouncing between the two walls, and screaming. The more we ignored her, the louder she got.
After a while, the house went silent. We wait a little longer and decided to go check on her. She had gone to her room and had fallen asleep on her bed.
That was the last tantrum she ever threw.
He seems to hold back
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
By: Marie
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question: Hi Victor,
If you are dating someone who you know likes you by what he says and does, yet he seems to hold back in a way and have a "caution" when getting involved too quickly because of age, (He is 28), does that mean that I stand no chance, give up while I still have time? Or is there a way to ease up this fear he has by doing or not doing something?? I do like him, but it is quite annoying to think constantly that he has a prejudice against my age. Thank you!! Happy Holidays (for next week ) :)
VictorM's advice:
It's possible that once you become 21 things change. Our society has this thing about a person becoming a real adult at 21, more so than 18, which explains the drinking age in most places. The truth is that your age difference is not that great at all.
If you started dating recently, I say give it more time because there's a good chance his "caution" doesn't have as much to do with age difference as it does with a guy's normal inclination to take his time to become serious.
In a few months, if this "caution" continues, you may want to consider that you're misreading his interest in you as a serious partner. That's because people who really like each other overcome obstacles, they don't create them.
By: Marie
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question: Hi Victor,
If you are dating someone who you know likes you by what he says and does, yet he seems to hold back in a way and have a "caution" when getting involved too quickly because of age, (He is 28), does that mean that I stand no chance, give up while I still have time? Or is there a way to ease up this fear he has by doing or not doing something?? I do like him, but it is quite annoying to think constantly that he has a prejudice against my age. Thank you!! Happy Holidays (for next week ) :)
VictorM's advice:
It's possible that once you become 21 things change. Our society has this thing about a person becoming a real adult at 21, more so than 18, which explains the drinking age in most places. The truth is that your age difference is not that great at all.
If you started dating recently, I say give it more time because there's a good chance his "caution" doesn't have as much to do with age difference as it does with a guy's normal inclination to take his time to become serious.
In a few months, if this "caution" continues, you may want to consider that you're misreading his interest in you as a serious partner. That's because people who really like each other overcome obstacles, they don't create them.
My boyfriend talks with a female coworker
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18
By: Sarah
Age: 27
Location: Canada
Question: Should I be worried if my boyfriend talks with a female coworker. He says they are just friends, but today they talked for 5 hours.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should. Nothing good will come from this "friendship" as it relates to your relationship.
I am willing to bet anything that he finds this coworker attractive. There is no way a guy would spend 5 hours talking to a woman he didn't find attractive. And it suggests to me that his intentions aren't "just friends."
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, or even that he will; but I am saying he's somewhat infatuated with her. The infatuation could blow over, but as I said, nothing good is going to come from it if it continues.
By: Sarah
Age: 27
Location: Canada
Question: Should I be worried if my boyfriend talks with a female coworker. He says they are just friends, but today they talked for 5 hours.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should. Nothing good will come from this "friendship" as it relates to your relationship.
I am willing to bet anything that he finds this coworker attractive. There is no way a guy would spend 5 hours talking to a woman he didn't find attractive. And it suggests to me that his intentions aren't "just friends."
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, or even that he will; but I am saying he's somewhat infatuated with her. The infatuation could blow over, but as I said, nothing good is going to come from it if it continues.
He decided to change our phone plan
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
By: A-M
Age: 30
Location: Atlanta
Question: I need your help ! I am completely baffled by my mans recent behavior. He decided to change our phone plan which we have had for three years without discussing it with me AT ALL! We are married and he knows how important it is to me that we handle joint decisions as a team. This isn't the first time he's exhibited this sort of selfish and inconsiderate behavior. He gets angry and defensive when I just tried to tell him why I was upset. Classic deflection,I know. What do I do to stop this cycle
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a husband who's rebelling against a somewhat dictatorial wife. Sure, discussing decisions is important to you, but tell me, have you bothered to find out what's important to him? Compromise isn't getting it all your way, you know? Making decisions as a team isn't always the best idea. Giving each other the trust and responsibility to make some decisions could be a way of showing you trust each other.
I'm not saying he was right to do what he did about the phones; I'm just saying you should reexamine your understanding of sharing, trusting, and giving each other some leeway to act as individuals.
Generally, men have a bigger need to retain some individuality since we're more loners than women are. You may want to loosen the leash.
By: A-M
Age: 30
Location: Atlanta
Question: I need your help ! I am completely baffled by my mans recent behavior. He decided to change our phone plan which we have had for three years without discussing it with me AT ALL! We are married and he knows how important it is to me that we handle joint decisions as a team. This isn't the first time he's exhibited this sort of selfish and inconsiderate behavior. He gets angry and defensive when I just tried to tell him why I was upset. Classic deflection,I know. What do I do to stop this cycle
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a husband who's rebelling against a somewhat dictatorial wife. Sure, discussing decisions is important to you, but tell me, have you bothered to find out what's important to him? Compromise isn't getting it all your way, you know? Making decisions as a team isn't always the best idea. Giving each other the trust and responsibility to make some decisions could be a way of showing you trust each other.
I'm not saying he was right to do what he did about the phones; I'm just saying you should reexamine your understanding of sharing, trusting, and giving each other some leeway to act as individuals.
Generally, men have a bigger need to retain some individuality since we're more loners than women are. You may want to loosen the leash.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Impulsive and destructive and hurtful
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Age: 33
Location: Canada
Question: If a guy disconnects for a while and then abruptly ends a relationship with you when you keep asking what's going on at a point where you are getting closer and a little more serious (and live together), why would he do things that were impulsive and destructive and hurtful? What I mean is that if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship and breaks it off and feels it's the right decision for them, I don't think the norm is to completely "freak out". Maybe keep busy or something but "freak out"? Although I know breaking up with someone is a tough situation no matter what, I would think they would still be the person you know in a sense, be tactful and hold some sense of integrity you thought they had, while taking the necessary steps to part if that's what they want (I hope you know what I am trying to say). But what does it mean if a guy suddenly gets cruel towards you, completely shuts you out like you don't exist, starts spending money irresponsibly and starts racking up his credit card, distracts himself by keeping over-the-top busy all the time, makes impulsive decisions, starts heavily flirting, acts immaturely like a 20 yr old (he's 40), starts disrespecting you either by what they say about you or how they treat you in front of others, finds insignificant things to attack about you that really are nit-picking or hypocritical because it's something he does too (which is still an insignificant thing), acts and verbalizes basically like they don't care about any consequence of their actions (such as the consequences of spending money they shouldn't, something like that)... stuff like this?? What the hell is that about???? And what the hell is it when they claim to still love you but yet act this way?
Maybe I can understand the keeping somewhat busy or kind of separating your life but things seemed very extreme with no regard for the relationship and that we live together.
VictorM's advice:
People don't always communicate with just words. And to have just calmly and rationally walked away, wouldn't send the right message. By "freaking out," he's sending the message to you and to himself that there is no going back, that he's had enough, that he's breaking up with you with all the gusto he can muster.
I don't know what lead him to this, but his actions suggest a lot more frustration with you than what you're willing to recognize.
Age: 33
Location: Canada
Question: If a guy disconnects for a while and then abruptly ends a relationship with you when you keep asking what's going on at a point where you are getting closer and a little more serious (and live together), why would he do things that were impulsive and destructive and hurtful? What I mean is that if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship and breaks it off and feels it's the right decision for them, I don't think the norm is to completely "freak out". Maybe keep busy or something but "freak out"? Although I know breaking up with someone is a tough situation no matter what, I would think they would still be the person you know in a sense, be tactful and hold some sense of integrity you thought they had, while taking the necessary steps to part if that's what they want (I hope you know what I am trying to say). But what does it mean if a guy suddenly gets cruel towards you, completely shuts you out like you don't exist, starts spending money irresponsibly and starts racking up his credit card, distracts himself by keeping over-the-top busy all the time, makes impulsive decisions, starts heavily flirting, acts immaturely like a 20 yr old (he's 40), starts disrespecting you either by what they say about you or how they treat you in front of others, finds insignificant things to attack about you that really are nit-picking or hypocritical because it's something he does too (which is still an insignificant thing), acts and verbalizes basically like they don't care about any consequence of their actions (such as the consequences of spending money they shouldn't, something like that)... stuff like this?? What the hell is that about???? And what the hell is it when they claim to still love you but yet act this way?
Maybe I can understand the keeping somewhat busy or kind of separating your life but things seemed very extreme with no regard for the relationship and that we live together.
VictorM's advice:
People don't always communicate with just words. And to have just calmly and rationally walked away, wouldn't send the right message. By "freaking out," he's sending the message to you and to himself that there is no going back, that he's had enough, that he's breaking up with you with all the gusto he can muster.
I don't know what lead him to this, but his actions suggest a lot more frustration with you than what you're willing to recognize.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I have been sleeping with this guy on and off
Submitted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009
By: Stacy
Age: 26
Location: MD
Question: i have been sleeping with this guy on and off for a few months now. Whenever I see him out he always claims that I am not the one who pursued him. He will call me and say things like he is ready for a relationship and wants to be with me. I drop subtle hints to him all the time that I would love to be with him. But he always seems to turn the conversation into sex.
Whenever we do talk it is through text and he is so short with his answers. Do you think he really wants something more than just sex?
VictorM's advice:
No.
Guys seldom develop romantic interest for girls they fuck on and off outside of a relationship. Such girls have proven themselves to not be worthy of being mothers to their children.
By: Stacy
Age: 26
Location: MD
Question: i have been sleeping with this guy on and off for a few months now. Whenever I see him out he always claims that I am not the one who pursued him. He will call me and say things like he is ready for a relationship and wants to be with me. I drop subtle hints to him all the time that I would love to be with him. But he always seems to turn the conversation into sex.
Whenever we do talk it is through text and he is so short with his answers. Do you think he really wants something more than just sex?
VictorM's advice:
No.
Guys seldom develop romantic interest for girls they fuck on and off outside of a relationship. Such girls have proven themselves to not be worthy of being mothers to their children.
I'm just a little confused because he is 16
Submitted on Tuesday, November 17, 2009
By: Ashley
Age: 20
Location: Conneticut
Question: ok so me and this guy [ive known him for 7 years and bes my lil brothers bff] have recently started to flirt around outrageously and i'm falling for him.hard. i'm just a little confused because he is 16. we have always been great friends and we have so much in common its crazy. im just conflicted, is 16 to young for me? my brain says maybe but my heart is screaming no.
VictorM's advice:
Follow your brain. I'm very serious. Follow your brain!
If you think a 16 year old boy has any staying power when it comes to a relationship, you're way off base. You're nothing but the "older girl" that would prove to him, and to his friends, that he'd da man! Oh and trust him, he will brag about it to anyone who will listen.
FOLLOW YOUR BRAIN!
By: Ashley
Age: 20
Location: Conneticut
Question: ok so me and this guy [ive known him for 7 years and bes my lil brothers bff] have recently started to flirt around outrageously and i'm falling for him.hard. i'm just a little confused because he is 16. we have always been great friends and we have so much in common its crazy. im just conflicted, is 16 to young for me? my brain says maybe but my heart is screaming no.
VictorM's advice:
Follow your brain. I'm very serious. Follow your brain!
If you think a 16 year old boy has any staying power when it comes to a relationship, you're way off base. You're nothing but the "older girl" that would prove to him, and to his friends, that he'd da man! Oh and trust him, he will brag about it to anyone who will listen.
FOLLOW YOUR BRAIN!
He is a major gamer
Submitted on Tuesday, November 17, 2009
By: Renee
Age: 23
Location: Indiana
Question: I married my boyfriend of five years and I was nervous to get married because he is a major gamer, but we had two kids already and I felt I had no choice. I don't know how to tell him he needs to grow up or I can't do this anymore. I do all the housework and take care of the kids and some of the yard work. He feels since he has a job and I don't that this is fair. I have a college degree and I've been looking but with the current economy nothing seems to be open at the moment. He doesn't want me to get a job and when I told him I was looking he got mad. I think he feels insecure because he has a factory job and no high school diploma. We've had problems in our marriage mostly my fault I'm unhappy and I went looking for happiness with other guys. I just don't know what to do anymore stay and be depressed or leave and have no where to go.
VictorM's advice:
The economy and jobs situation surely is a big problem, but still, what you need is to set a plan to where you want to be financially if you decide to leave him. Spend your energies in tasks that may facilitate your independence rather than tasks that leave you even more unhappy.
By: Renee
Age: 23
Location: Indiana
Question: I married my boyfriend of five years and I was nervous to get married because he is a major gamer, but we had two kids already and I felt I had no choice. I don't know how to tell him he needs to grow up or I can't do this anymore. I do all the housework and take care of the kids and some of the yard work. He feels since he has a job and I don't that this is fair. I have a college degree and I've been looking but with the current economy nothing seems to be open at the moment. He doesn't want me to get a job and when I told him I was looking he got mad. I think he feels insecure because he has a factory job and no high school diploma. We've had problems in our marriage mostly my fault I'm unhappy and I went looking for happiness with other guys. I just don't know what to do anymore stay and be depressed or leave and have no where to go.
VictorM's advice:
The economy and jobs situation surely is a big problem, but still, what you need is to set a plan to where you want to be financially if you decide to leave him. Spend your energies in tasks that may facilitate your independence rather than tasks that leave you even more unhappy.
I gave him the "talk"
Submitted on Tuesday, November 17, 2009
By: Janey
Age: 16
Location: Michigan
Question: So one of my really good guy friends confessed to me that he liked me. I gave him the "talk" about how our friendship was more important and such...anyway, he says he's over it now, but I still feel like he's constantly flirting with me. I'm starting to get mixed feelings for him now...is there any chance that he still likes me? I'm just so afraid about going out with a friend, you know?
VictorM's advice:
If there is romantic interest, then the friendship won't last anyway. Take a chance. Even if it doesn't last, you'll only come to natural conclusion.
By: Janey
Age: 16
Location: Michigan
Question: So one of my really good guy friends confessed to me that he liked me. I gave him the "talk" about how our friendship was more important and such...anyway, he says he's over it now, but I still feel like he's constantly flirting with me. I'm starting to get mixed feelings for him now...is there any chance that he still likes me? I'm just so afraid about going out with a friend, you know?
VictorM's advice:
If there is romantic interest, then the friendship won't last anyway. Take a chance. Even if it doesn't last, you'll only come to natural conclusion.
They will never approach me
Submitted on Tuesday, November 17, 2009
By: dawn
Age: 30
Location: ok
Question: It's me again. So I'm moving on and thinking "Why? Why is it so hard for me to approach a man I think will be more suitable?" Well the answer is probably I've generally approached men only online, and found they are not so suitable. In person, because of my personality and perhaps self-esteem, (I'm not sure, no one wants to be rejected, right?) I feel like the guys I like -- smart, good looking, hopefully not married... will think I'm too wild or something like that. But they will never approach me, even though I think there is at least mutual attraction if not real interest. Should I go out there Tiger and try to get something that 'fits' a little better? 'Cause waiting for it doesn't seem to be working. Thanks for your time, you are generous. :)
VictorM's advice:
Before I answer you, why do you think that the type of men you like will never approach you?
By: dawn
Age: 30
Location: ok
Question: It's me again. So I'm moving on and thinking "Why? Why is it so hard for me to approach a man I think will be more suitable?" Well the answer is probably I've generally approached men only online, and found they are not so suitable. In person, because of my personality and perhaps self-esteem, (I'm not sure, no one wants to be rejected, right?) I feel like the guys I like -- smart, good looking, hopefully not married... will think I'm too wild or something like that. But they will never approach me, even though I think there is at least mutual attraction if not real interest. Should I go out there Tiger and try to get something that 'fits' a little better? 'Cause waiting for it doesn't seem to be working. Thanks for your time, you are generous. :)
VictorM's advice:
Before I answer you, why do you think that the type of men you like will never approach you?
I work with this guy that is super sweet
Submitted on Tuesday, November 17, 2009
By: Jenny
Age: 26
Location: VA
Question: I work with this guy that is super sweet. He is new to the area and we started hanging out. He started texting me quite a bit. He told me he had talked to his brother about me and often told me that he had a crush on me and that he was 'smitten'. The relationship has gradually moved from friends to more. We eventually started messing around some. He told me that he wanted to date me after 6 months of being single and that I was someone he could fall in love with(I was getting out of a relationship). I've asked him before if he felt the same way and he said that nothing had changed. He has been divorced for 6 years after a 10 year marriage where she cheated. He has 3 kids which he is extremely close to. He has had relationships after. The texting has gradually gone from daily to every few days. I still work with him and in the past week we don't talk as much because I'm in a different area now. Last week he called me a couple days after work because of some work issues he wanted to check on me about. I'm confused because in the past week he has seemed distant. We don't go to lunch as often and he's not as flirty at work. I also haven't heard from him as often. It went from almost daily to every few days or so. I just don't want to initiate things. I've talked to him about it before because he is a very private person. He doesn't seem to have a reason why or even seem to notice he's been distant. When we're together he is somewhat cuddly and always wants me to stay with him or have dinner with him. We hang out once or twice per week. I'm confused also because he has told me that he is comfortable around me and if he could he would see me every day. Why then is he less talkative? I don't want to seem too available or needy so I'm trying not to be the one to initiate conversation.
VictorM's advice:
Guys behave as you describe for one of two reasons: either they are getting over the girl, or they feel secure in the relationship. Based on what you said, it could very well be that he feels secure.
I know girls would like to always keep getting the attention they got during the courtship phase, but that's not sustainable. For one thing, many of the conversations that fill the time early on, such as your past, your beliefs, etc. have been had, therefore the topics available for conversation naturally drop. Plus guys are notorious for being single focused and not able to multitask, so while courting you was the focus, you got the bulk of his attention, now there are other things, in addition to you, to focus on: family, work, etc.
I'm not saying he's not losing interest in you; just explaining that there is another plausible possibility.
By: Jenny
Age: 26
Location: VA
Question: I work with this guy that is super sweet. He is new to the area and we started hanging out. He started texting me quite a bit. He told me he had talked to his brother about me and often told me that he had a crush on me and that he was 'smitten'. The relationship has gradually moved from friends to more. We eventually started messing around some. He told me that he wanted to date me after 6 months of being single and that I was someone he could fall in love with(I was getting out of a relationship). I've asked him before if he felt the same way and he said that nothing had changed. He has been divorced for 6 years after a 10 year marriage where she cheated. He has 3 kids which he is extremely close to. He has had relationships after. The texting has gradually gone from daily to every few days. I still work with him and in the past week we don't talk as much because I'm in a different area now. Last week he called me a couple days after work because of some work issues he wanted to check on me about. I'm confused because in the past week he has seemed distant. We don't go to lunch as often and he's not as flirty at work. I also haven't heard from him as often. It went from almost daily to every few days or so. I just don't want to initiate things. I've talked to him about it before because he is a very private person. He doesn't seem to have a reason why or even seem to notice he's been distant. When we're together he is somewhat cuddly and always wants me to stay with him or have dinner with him. We hang out once or twice per week. I'm confused also because he has told me that he is comfortable around me and if he could he would see me every day. Why then is he less talkative? I don't want to seem too available or needy so I'm trying not to be the one to initiate conversation.
VictorM's advice:
Guys behave as you describe for one of two reasons: either they are getting over the girl, or they feel secure in the relationship. Based on what you said, it could very well be that he feels secure.
I know girls would like to always keep getting the attention they got during the courtship phase, but that's not sustainable. For one thing, many of the conversations that fill the time early on, such as your past, your beliefs, etc. have been had, therefore the topics available for conversation naturally drop. Plus guys are notorious for being single focused and not able to multitask, so while courting you was the focus, you got the bulk of his attention, now there are other things, in addition to you, to focus on: family, work, etc.
I'm not saying he's not losing interest in you; just explaining that there is another plausible possibility.
I really need to get this off my chest
Submitted on Tuesday, November 17, 2009
By: Alexa
Age: 13
Location: Australia
Question: OK sorry if this is long but I really need to get this off my chest.
OK I'm in year 8 and at our school we choose a elective like home Ec or manual arts to do for a term.
Last term my in my elective class was science quest (extra science) - dorky, I know and I was really annoyed at myself for choosing it, but it ended up really fun. Though (not being snobby) there was many girls and not many where very pretty.
Anyway, there was this boy. At first I didn't even notice him. But a few weeks in I did and he was super cute. We start have little conversations and comments and stuff the usually like "What are we meant to be doing?" And stuff.
Then one Friday afternoon they started throw pencils under me and my friend's desk and asking us to get them and stuff. Then he start copying me.
I have no boy experience but it was fun/funny and I just laughed my way through it.
From then on he was constantly calling out my name to get my attention and maybe just saying hi or doing something stupid.
I would laugh or smile at him.
But one day we where in one of the computer rooms and there was a spare seat next to me and he came in late. There were other seats but he sat there. And through out the lesson he asked me all these questions and told me all this stuff and showed me stuff on the computer.
He grabbed my diary (school diary not private) and started looking through it and then my books and pencil case.
He always stared at me and when I caught him smiled and stole my stuff but gave it back almost instantly.
I really really started to like him and when ever he caught my eye between classes he would smile at me like we had some secret.
This term I saw him on the first day before the first class and he just stared at me no smile nothing.
He hasn't talked to me all term and not really looked at all either. Now I have a new friend who is now in his elective an it seems like they're flirting all the time now. She's a bit more confident and is always calling him over to talk. Thought he doesn't talk much, just a quick comment but he smiles.
I don't know, it's all really weird and I know you're probably going to say he's over you but I still really like him. And he seemed so, well interested.
Thanks ,
Alexa
VictorM's advice:
Nothing of what you said suggests he's over you. But boys around your age develop slower than girls, and while he may have fun talking to you or to your friend, he may not yet be thinking of boyfriend/girlfriend type of stuff. Plus it's possible that when he saw you again he just didn't know how you would feel, so he didn't smile waiting for you to do it.
I suggest that you make an effort to start smiling when you see him, say hi (using his name), and be friendly. You may find out he'd rather spend time with you than anyone else.
By: Alexa
Age: 13
Location: Australia
Question: OK sorry if this is long but I really need to get this off my chest.
OK I'm in year 8 and at our school we choose a elective like home Ec or manual arts to do for a term.
Last term my in my elective class was science quest (extra science) - dorky, I know and I was really annoyed at myself for choosing it, but it ended up really fun. Though (not being snobby) there was many girls and not many where very pretty.
Anyway, there was this boy. At first I didn't even notice him. But a few weeks in I did and he was super cute. We start have little conversations and comments and stuff the usually like "What are we meant to be doing?" And stuff.
Then one Friday afternoon they started throw pencils under me and my friend's desk and asking us to get them and stuff. Then he start copying me.
I have no boy experience but it was fun/funny and I just laughed my way through it.
From then on he was constantly calling out my name to get my attention and maybe just saying hi or doing something stupid.
I would laugh or smile at him.
But one day we where in one of the computer rooms and there was a spare seat next to me and he came in late. There were other seats but he sat there. And through out the lesson he asked me all these questions and told me all this stuff and showed me stuff on the computer.
He grabbed my diary (school diary not private) and started looking through it and then my books and pencil case.
He always stared at me and when I caught him smiled and stole my stuff but gave it back almost instantly.
I really really started to like him and when ever he caught my eye between classes he would smile at me like we had some secret.
This term I saw him on the first day before the first class and he just stared at me no smile nothing.
He hasn't talked to me all term and not really looked at all either. Now I have a new friend who is now in his elective an it seems like they're flirting all the time now. She's a bit more confident and is always calling him over to talk. Thought he doesn't talk much, just a quick comment but he smiles.
I don't know, it's all really weird and I know you're probably going to say he's over you but I still really like him. And he seemed so, well interested.
Thanks ,
Alexa
VictorM's advice:
Nothing of what you said suggests he's over you. But boys around your age develop slower than girls, and while he may have fun talking to you or to your friend, he may not yet be thinking of boyfriend/girlfriend type of stuff. Plus it's possible that when he saw you again he just didn't know how you would feel, so he didn't smile waiting for you to do it.
I suggest that you make an effort to start smiling when you see him, say hi (using his name), and be friendly. You may find out he'd rather spend time with you than anyone else.
What do I do about this guy?
Submitted on Monday, November 16, 2009
By: Lindsey
Age: 18
Location: Boulder
Question: What do I do about this guy?
I saw this guy from across the room and he looked really cute so we made eye contact and smiled. He ended up being in a club i was in so we talked for a little bit and within the next few days he asked me out and i was really happy and giddy!
So after the first date (i didnt kiss him), I still felt happy and giddy but i still didnt know him very well.
For our second date, i went to his place and watched a movie and we ended up hooking up on the couch (not sex) so we really didn't get to talk. But after, i felt weird. I didn't really like him as much as i did at first. But i still wanted to give him another chance.
So, for the third date, we went to coffee and talked about really personal stuff for like an hour. then we went on a walk and talked some more. he seems like such a romantic guy and i dont know what is wrong with me but i still don't really have any feelings for him.
but here's the thing, it was his birthday a few days ago so i don't know what to do! but i don't want to lead him on or anything.
VictorM's advice:
You went on three dates; you have no obligation to go on a forth.
You don't have to be rude or rule him out altogether. Being busy next time he asks, or if you do hangout, not making out with him will send the message. If he persists and you still feel no attraction, a polite "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" will do.
By: Lindsey
Age: 18
Location: Boulder
Question: What do I do about this guy?
I saw this guy from across the room and he looked really cute so we made eye contact and smiled. He ended up being in a club i was in so we talked for a little bit and within the next few days he asked me out and i was really happy and giddy!
So after the first date (i didnt kiss him), I still felt happy and giddy but i still didnt know him very well.
For our second date, i went to his place and watched a movie and we ended up hooking up on the couch (not sex) so we really didn't get to talk. But after, i felt weird. I didn't really like him as much as i did at first. But i still wanted to give him another chance.
So, for the third date, we went to coffee and talked about really personal stuff for like an hour. then we went on a walk and talked some more. he seems like such a romantic guy and i dont know what is wrong with me but i still don't really have any feelings for him.
but here's the thing, it was his birthday a few days ago so i don't know what to do! but i don't want to lead him on or anything.
VictorM's advice:
You went on three dates; you have no obligation to go on a forth.
You don't have to be rude or rule him out altogether. Being busy next time he asks, or if you do hangout, not making out with him will send the message. If he persists and you still feel no attraction, a polite "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" will do.
He broke up with me over a silly fight
Submitted on Monday, November 16, 2009
By: shelly
Age: 33
Location: philly
Question: I met this guy 4 months ago. We really care for each other and spend all our time together. He has told me he is in with me, wants to have a family with me, and has asked me to move in with him. I love him, I just said lets work up to those things. Well, a few weeks have passed and he broke up with me over a silly fight. Now he says he wants to "date" me, but slow things down that we were spending too much time together and he wants to go out with his friends more, etc. I don't know what caused the change of heart - but I can't go back to casually dating someone that I am in love with. I know you are not a mind reader, but what happened? Why the sudden change of heart? And am I wrong for saying I can't date casually?
VictorM's advice:
Every time I read a question that includes something like "we spent all our time together," I know there won't be a happy ending. It is utterly unhealthy and a sign of two people who do not have balanced lives. Sooner or later a couple like this will crash. And when they do, it's not slowly; they come to a solid brick wall.
If the fight was enough for him to breakup with you, it wasn't silly. Categorizing it as such only demeans his opinion about issues. What may be minor to you, may be a sign of something big that scares him.
Guys are almost never as invested in a relationship as woman, particularly in the early going. Despite his words to what he'd like to happen between you two, they are no reflection of his true feelings for you. Guys take a long time to establish roots that are hard to break. He's still at a stage where the roots are not deep enough, hence the ease with which his attitude shifted.
If a guy has a very high opinion of the girl, which seems to have been the case, and they are still in the early stages of a relationship -- and 4 months or less qualifies as that -- there is a sense of magic that while euphoric, is also very easy to burst. The smallest of pricks can blow the magic balloon to pieces, or at least deflate it.
So, did the balloon burst or just deflated? More often than not, these requests to slow down, go out with friends, etc. are a precursor to ending the relationship, but your options are either to go along for a while an see if you can re-evolve into a relationship, or part ways now; a friendship will not survive.
By: shelly
Age: 33
Location: philly
Question: I met this guy 4 months ago. We really care for each other and spend all our time together. He has told me he is in with me, wants to have a family with me, and has asked me to move in with him. I love him, I just said lets work up to those things. Well, a few weeks have passed and he broke up with me over a silly fight. Now he says he wants to "date" me, but slow things down that we were spending too much time together and he wants to go out with his friends more, etc. I don't know what caused the change of heart - but I can't go back to casually dating someone that I am in love with. I know you are not a mind reader, but what happened? Why the sudden change of heart? And am I wrong for saying I can't date casually?
VictorM's advice:
Every time I read a question that includes something like "we spent all our time together," I know there won't be a happy ending. It is utterly unhealthy and a sign of two people who do not have balanced lives. Sooner or later a couple like this will crash. And when they do, it's not slowly; they come to a solid brick wall.
If the fight was enough for him to breakup with you, it wasn't silly. Categorizing it as such only demeans his opinion about issues. What may be minor to you, may be a sign of something big that scares him.
Guys are almost never as invested in a relationship as woman, particularly in the early going. Despite his words to what he'd like to happen between you two, they are no reflection of his true feelings for you. Guys take a long time to establish roots that are hard to break. He's still at a stage where the roots are not deep enough, hence the ease with which his attitude shifted.
If a guy has a very high opinion of the girl, which seems to have been the case, and they are still in the early stages of a relationship -- and 4 months or less qualifies as that -- there is a sense of magic that while euphoric, is also very easy to burst. The smallest of pricks can blow the magic balloon to pieces, or at least deflate it.
So, did the balloon burst or just deflated? More often than not, these requests to slow down, go out with friends, etc. are a precursor to ending the relationship, but your options are either to go along for a while an see if you can re-evolve into a relationship, or part ways now; a friendship will not survive.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
When's it the right time?
Submitted on Monday, November 16, 2009
By: Mel
Age: 19
Location: NY
Question: Hey Victor!
I've read a lot of your answers & I saw a lot of girls saying they fucked their guys & you tell them it was too early, so I was wondering, when's it the right time to do so? When's it not too early? :)
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Having sex for the first time with a girl means one of two things to a guy: either bragging rights to his pals and/or his ego, or that the demand for a serious relationship, with commitments and responsibilities, will follow.
If you have no problems with just being an ego boost, by all means fuck right away, but if you intend to have a relationship with the guy, do not have sex until you feel confident he's ready for a relationship. So it's not a matter of time; it's a mind set. And by the way, if you have sex, as many girls do, to try to hook the guy faster, you are doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing.
By: Mel
Age: 19
Location: NY
Question: Hey Victor!
I've read a lot of your answers & I saw a lot of girls saying they fucked their guys & you tell them it was too early, so I was wondering, when's it the right time to do so? When's it not too early? :)
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Having sex for the first time with a girl means one of two things to a guy: either bragging rights to his pals and/or his ego, or that the demand for a serious relationship, with commitments and responsibilities, will follow.
If you have no problems with just being an ego boost, by all means fuck right away, but if you intend to have a relationship with the guy, do not have sex until you feel confident he's ready for a relationship. So it's not a matter of time; it's a mind set. And by the way, if you have sex, as many girls do, to try to hook the guy faster, you are doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing.
Who else? Ellie, of course
Submitted on Monday, November 16, 2009
By: ellie
Question: i know i am always writing you with questions about some jerk, but this time i had a more general question. i know you get tons of questions from me, so if you want to skip it, it's ok, haha.
anyway, here is my question... i have heard people say that if a guy is going to fall in love with a girl, it will happen pretty quickly. and it seems like there are two types of girls, those girls that guys fall in love with, and those girls that are always struggling to keep someone's interest. it's definitely not hard to get a guy initially interested in you if you take care of yourself and look cute, but as so many of the girls who write to you know, that only lasts for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, and then you watch their interest fade away without any specific reason. at the same time, it seems like there are girls, some beautiful and some just average looking, who guys always want to date and get serious with pretty quickly.
i have a few friends like that myself and some of them break all the rules. they sleep with guys pretty early sometimes, they don't play games or make guys especially chase them, but it seems like guys are just crazy about them. they are mostly average, nice-looking girls but nothing extraordinary.
then there are girls like me. guys like me at first because they like the way i look, but after a while, once they get to know me or hang out with me for a little, they completely lose interest. this is true of guys that i made chase and chase me for a long time too. once i finally give in and go out with them a few times, they are gone like magic. i am 25 years old and i have only had one boyfriend that lasted three weeks, and he was so horribly abusive to me during those three weeks that i would rather not even count that as a relationship.
from this website, it sounds like there are a lot of girls with this problem. i cant imagine that my personality, or these other girls personality, is so off-putting. i have lots of friends who care about me and who i care about, i get along with my coworkers, and i'm sure these other girls are in the same boat.
i just feel like there is some kind of attitude or vibe that some girls have that guys respond to. do you think that's true?
VictorM's advice:
Ellie, me skip you? No way.
First, I totally disagree with the idea that guys fall in love quickly; I believe it's exactly the opposite -- guys take a long time to fall in love. What happens is guys fall in lust and get enormously infatuated with girls, but the falling in love part comes much later, which is why it's so easy for a guy to walk away rather suddenly from a girl he seemed so into just hours earlier.
(To other readers: I have seen several of Ellie's pictures, and yes, I'm taking her word it's her).
There are girl-next-door beauties and there are much more sultry looking beauties. You clearly fall into the sultry look. And that's a look that captivates and intimidates guys.
Based on our upbringing and childhood imprints, we determine who we get attracted to and pretty much discard other types. In your case, given your upbringing and relationship with your father, you are programmed to be attracted to the losers who will mistreat you and not stick around. It's not that there aren't guys who would treat you well, it's that you have no interest in those guys and consequently your vibe around such guys is one of "go away." So they do. And you're left with the losers.
Your looks are not your enemy; your wounded self is. And unless you do something about it, your story will repeat itself over and over. I think you're charming and delightful, and I wish I could help you, Ellie, but you need professional help. Your questions are always welcomed, but I fear I'll just sound like a broken record.
By: ellie
Question: i know i am always writing you with questions about some jerk, but this time i had a more general question. i know you get tons of questions from me, so if you want to skip it, it's ok, haha.
anyway, here is my question... i have heard people say that if a guy is going to fall in love with a girl, it will happen pretty quickly. and it seems like there are two types of girls, those girls that guys fall in love with, and those girls that are always struggling to keep someone's interest. it's definitely not hard to get a guy initially interested in you if you take care of yourself and look cute, but as so many of the girls who write to you know, that only lasts for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, and then you watch their interest fade away without any specific reason. at the same time, it seems like there are girls, some beautiful and some just average looking, who guys always want to date and get serious with pretty quickly.
i have a few friends like that myself and some of them break all the rules. they sleep with guys pretty early sometimes, they don't play games or make guys especially chase them, but it seems like guys are just crazy about them. they are mostly average, nice-looking girls but nothing extraordinary.
then there are girls like me. guys like me at first because they like the way i look, but after a while, once they get to know me or hang out with me for a little, they completely lose interest. this is true of guys that i made chase and chase me for a long time too. once i finally give in and go out with them a few times, they are gone like magic. i am 25 years old and i have only had one boyfriend that lasted three weeks, and he was so horribly abusive to me during those three weeks that i would rather not even count that as a relationship.
from this website, it sounds like there are a lot of girls with this problem. i cant imagine that my personality, or these other girls personality, is so off-putting. i have lots of friends who care about me and who i care about, i get along with my coworkers, and i'm sure these other girls are in the same boat.
i just feel like there is some kind of attitude or vibe that some girls have that guys respond to. do you think that's true?
VictorM's advice:
Ellie, me skip you? No way.
First, I totally disagree with the idea that guys fall in love quickly; I believe it's exactly the opposite -- guys take a long time to fall in love. What happens is guys fall in lust and get enormously infatuated with girls, but the falling in love part comes much later, which is why it's so easy for a guy to walk away rather suddenly from a girl he seemed so into just hours earlier.
(To other readers: I have seen several of Ellie's pictures, and yes, I'm taking her word it's her).
There are girl-next-door beauties and there are much more sultry looking beauties. You clearly fall into the sultry look. And that's a look that captivates and intimidates guys.
Based on our upbringing and childhood imprints, we determine who we get attracted to and pretty much discard other types. In your case, given your upbringing and relationship with your father, you are programmed to be attracted to the losers who will mistreat you and not stick around. It's not that there aren't guys who would treat you well, it's that you have no interest in those guys and consequently your vibe around such guys is one of "go away." So they do. And you're left with the losers.
Your looks are not your enemy; your wounded self is. And unless you do something about it, your story will repeat itself over and over. I think you're charming and delightful, and I wish I could help you, Ellie, but you need professional help. Your questions are always welcomed, but I fear I'll just sound like a broken record.
Like
Submitted on Sunday, November 15, 2009
By: sasha
Age: 19
Question: If a guy suddenly uses the word "like" A LOT throughout a conversation when talking to a girl one-on-one, does that mean he likes you? Obviously it means he's nervous, but nervous because he has feelings?
*this is a guy who talks to plenty of pretty girls and has no trouble doing that, without using "like" every other word
VictorM's advice:
Changes from normal behavior could indicate you've caught his attention, but it would be going too far to say he has feelings or even would want a steady relationship. But chances are that you impress him.
By: sasha
Age: 19
Question: If a guy suddenly uses the word "like" A LOT throughout a conversation when talking to a girl one-on-one, does that mean he likes you? Obviously it means he's nervous, but nervous because he has feelings?
*this is a guy who talks to plenty of pretty girls and has no trouble doing that, without using "like" every other word
VictorM's advice:
Changes from normal behavior could indicate you've caught his attention, but it would be going too far to say he has feelings or even would want a steady relationship. But chances are that you impress him.
Monday, November 16, 2009
He has cheated several times
Submitted on Sunday, November 15, 2009
By: Cal
Age: 28
Location: Phoenix
Question: My boyfriend used to be a serious player. He has cheated several times on long time girlfriends - including a woman he wanted to marry. He had been mostly up front about this, though some of it I had to discover on my own (including an ex contacting me on Facebook). We live together, he takes amazing care of me, is always doing sweet things, and says he wants to marry me. One day a long time ago, I found a letter from his ex-wanna be fiance that was recent that he had not told me about. I called him at work told him we needed to talk and he came home and - while crying - consoled me that she had only written because he wouldn't talk to her anymore and that I was the love of his life. I decided to believe him. Recently while watching a movie after talking to a friend about his dog, I realized she had mentioned the dog in her note and that - by the timing of his acquisition of the dog - he had obviously had in-person contact with her while dating someone else and cheating on the person he was dating. He is friends with a lot of my best friends before we actually met, so he has good references too. A lot of them have convinced me he has changed and that he does really love me after some of these incidents. I am so confused! Help!
VictorM's advice:
People changing is great in movies and romance novels, and it is great when it happens in real life, but it seldom happens for real without some major, life-altering event. Wishing it, and saying it, does not make it so.
You have to face the fact that you live with a boyfriend who treats you well, is sweet, wants to marry you, but is also a liar and a cheater. The odds that he has changed, given human nature and the events you described, are very slim. But hey, no one is perfect. Can you live with that?
Forget what other people tell you about him; they know jack shit of what he does in the shadows. Besides, there is nothing that says cheaters can't be the best of friends and great fun to be around. And often, they are wonderful to their partners because that's one way they deal with the guilt of cheating.
One thing is for certain: you are not totally sold on this transformation, otherwise you would not have written to me. It says to me that while you hope for the best, you have not had the wool pulled over your eyes yet.
Trust your instincts.
By: Cal
Age: 28
Location: Phoenix
Question: My boyfriend used to be a serious player. He has cheated several times on long time girlfriends - including a woman he wanted to marry. He had been mostly up front about this, though some of it I had to discover on my own (including an ex contacting me on Facebook). We live together, he takes amazing care of me, is always doing sweet things, and says he wants to marry me. One day a long time ago, I found a letter from his ex-wanna be fiance that was recent that he had not told me about. I called him at work told him we needed to talk and he came home and - while crying - consoled me that she had only written because he wouldn't talk to her anymore and that I was the love of his life. I decided to believe him. Recently while watching a movie after talking to a friend about his dog, I realized she had mentioned the dog in her note and that - by the timing of his acquisition of the dog - he had obviously had in-person contact with her while dating someone else and cheating on the person he was dating. He is friends with a lot of my best friends before we actually met, so he has good references too. A lot of them have convinced me he has changed and that he does really love me after some of these incidents. I am so confused! Help!
VictorM's advice:
People changing is great in movies and romance novels, and it is great when it happens in real life, but it seldom happens for real without some major, life-altering event. Wishing it, and saying it, does not make it so.
You have to face the fact that you live with a boyfriend who treats you well, is sweet, wants to marry you, but is also a liar and a cheater. The odds that he has changed, given human nature and the events you described, are very slim. But hey, no one is perfect. Can you live with that?
Forget what other people tell you about him; they know jack shit of what he does in the shadows. Besides, there is nothing that says cheaters can't be the best of friends and great fun to be around. And often, they are wonderful to their partners because that's one way they deal with the guilt of cheating.
One thing is for certain: you are not totally sold on this transformation, otherwise you would not have written to me. It says to me that while you hope for the best, you have not had the wool pulled over your eyes yet.
Trust your instincts.
Texting like nonstop for two weeks
Submitted on Sunday, November 15, 2009
By: alicia
Age: 15
Location: Detroit
Question: This guy and i have been texting like nonstop for two weeks, and he told me he really liked me, but a few days ago he abruptly stopped texting. He hasn't sent me any messages or replied to mine. What happened? Is he trying to tell me to stop?
VictorM's advice:
Time for a joke I haven't said in a few weeks:
A dog runs into an auto shop and starts drinking gasoline from a container on the ground. He drinks quite a bit and then starts spinning around, and around, and around. After a few moments, the dog collapses. The young mechanic says: "Did the dog die?" The older mechanic says: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."
Your guy just ran out of gas.
For crying out loud, how much more can you tell each other that you didn't already? Two weeks on non-stop texting is enough to send your average male to the cuckoo house! Maybe this poor boy is in crazy house.
Anyway, the fun is over. Stop texting him. And next time... do NOT text nonstop. Spread things out, learn to pace yourself. Make the guy wait.
By: alicia
Age: 15
Location: Detroit
Question: This guy and i have been texting like nonstop for two weeks, and he told me he really liked me, but a few days ago he abruptly stopped texting. He hasn't sent me any messages or replied to mine. What happened? Is he trying to tell me to stop?
VictorM's advice:
Time for a joke I haven't said in a few weeks:
A dog runs into an auto shop and starts drinking gasoline from a container on the ground. He drinks quite a bit and then starts spinning around, and around, and around. After a few moments, the dog collapses. The young mechanic says: "Did the dog die?" The older mechanic says: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."
Your guy just ran out of gas.
For crying out loud, how much more can you tell each other that you didn't already? Two weeks on non-stop texting is enough to send your average male to the cuckoo house! Maybe this poor boy is in crazy house.
Anyway, the fun is over. Stop texting him. And next time... do NOT text nonstop. Spread things out, learn to pace yourself. Make the guy wait.
We decided to have sex
Submitted on Sunday, November 15, 2009
By: Julie
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
Question: Hi. I met a guy and we really hit it off. He and I have so much in common. We went out on several dates over a two months and would stay up until the sun came up talking and having fun. One night it was finally that time to go there. We decided to have sex. I was nervous...I had recently lost a lot of weight and was not as toned as I would have liked to be. But I kept going and didn't want to seem uncomfortable w/o clothes. He said that he was glad we waited because he didn't want it to be a one night thing. We climbed into bed and he couldn't get hard, even when I was blowing him. Eventually he got hard and we had sex so fast, then he jumped off me so fast, and I was just left there. We went to dinner and a movie afterward and then chatted a bit. He kissed me and said that he would see me in a few days to go to lunch. After I did not hear from him (which he said i was acting like a girl because I wanted to cuddle more), I called. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and he needed to slow things down. He said he would call and we could do dinner. The day that we were supposed to go to dinner he canceled due to an emergency work issue. Now it's been a few days (which he works in the ICU 3 days on and then 3 days off). what happened? Is he just embarrassed? Spooked? What do I do? Give him his space or show more interest? Please help. I really do like this guy and haven't dated in over 6 years....I forgot the rules!
VictorM's advice:
Showing more interest is the worst thing to do. Whatever is causing him to react as he is, it's not because he has doubts about your interest in him. If anything, take him at his word -- he's not ready for a relationship. You showing more interest will only make him feel more crowded.
Don't let another 6 years go by before you go on other dates. See other guys. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Maybe this guy will get back to you, maybe he won't. If he does, be nice and friendly; if he doesn't, you haven't stopped your life for him.
By: Julie
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
Question: Hi. I met a guy and we really hit it off. He and I have so much in common. We went out on several dates over a two months and would stay up until the sun came up talking and having fun. One night it was finally that time to go there. We decided to have sex. I was nervous...I had recently lost a lot of weight and was not as toned as I would have liked to be. But I kept going and didn't want to seem uncomfortable w/o clothes. He said that he was glad we waited because he didn't want it to be a one night thing. We climbed into bed and he couldn't get hard, even when I was blowing him. Eventually he got hard and we had sex so fast, then he jumped off me so fast, and I was just left there. We went to dinner and a movie afterward and then chatted a bit. He kissed me and said that he would see me in a few days to go to lunch. After I did not hear from him (which he said i was acting like a girl because I wanted to cuddle more), I called. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and he needed to slow things down. He said he would call and we could do dinner. The day that we were supposed to go to dinner he canceled due to an emergency work issue. Now it's been a few days (which he works in the ICU 3 days on and then 3 days off). what happened? Is he just embarrassed? Spooked? What do I do? Give him his space or show more interest? Please help. I really do like this guy and haven't dated in over 6 years....I forgot the rules!
VictorM's advice:
Showing more interest is the worst thing to do. Whatever is causing him to react as he is, it's not because he has doubts about your interest in him. If anything, take him at his word -- he's not ready for a relationship. You showing more interest will only make him feel more crowded.
Don't let another 6 years go by before you go on other dates. See other guys. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Maybe this guy will get back to you, maybe he won't. If he does, be nice and friendly; if he doesn't, you haven't stopped your life for him.
Our long distance emails turned sexual
Submitted on Saturday, November 14, 2009
By: Tiffany
Age: 26
Location: Utah
Question: Ok, an old acquaintance and I ran into each other (he was visiting his home town but lives elsewhere). Over a couple of months our long distance emails turned sexual. This led to text messages and phone calls. He showered me with attention daily. However, over the past couple of weeks it has dwindled. Sometimes he sends me a text saying hi and asks how I am. I respond and then nothing. Or he sends me a flirty email once in awhile and will ask me to ask him questions. Or he will ask why I haven't called him..he misses me; yatta yatta. He is supposed to be back home for a visit in a couple of weeks and we were originally suppose to hook up. Now i'm not sure he really wants to. We both knew from the start that this was not leading any where and have talked about how great the sex is going to be when we see each other. Whats going on? At first I though maybe he wanted me to initiate the contact more? thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds very typical. The early emails and sexual talk are fun... up to a point. Then it becomes repetitive and boring. Men, more so than women, are very physical beings. We need to touch, small, taste... this whole mind-only eroticism gets old quickly.
Besides, from a male's perspective, a woman who is in it for sex only, knowing that it will lead to nothing, is not the type of woman who is going to get much respect from the male. Eventually he'll put his energies into a more worthy woman.
But seeing each other face to face will alter things. He should still be up for sex with you.
By: Tiffany
Age: 26
Location: Utah
Question: Ok, an old acquaintance and I ran into each other (he was visiting his home town but lives elsewhere). Over a couple of months our long distance emails turned sexual. This led to text messages and phone calls. He showered me with attention daily. However, over the past couple of weeks it has dwindled. Sometimes he sends me a text saying hi and asks how I am. I respond and then nothing. Or he sends me a flirty email once in awhile and will ask me to ask him questions. Or he will ask why I haven't called him..he misses me; yatta yatta. He is supposed to be back home for a visit in a couple of weeks and we were originally suppose to hook up. Now i'm not sure he really wants to. We both knew from the start that this was not leading any where and have talked about how great the sex is going to be when we see each other. Whats going on? At first I though maybe he wanted me to initiate the contact more? thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds very typical. The early emails and sexual talk are fun... up to a point. Then it becomes repetitive and boring. Men, more so than women, are very physical beings. We need to touch, small, taste... this whole mind-only eroticism gets old quickly.
Besides, from a male's perspective, a woman who is in it for sex only, knowing that it will lead to nothing, is not the type of woman who is going to get much respect from the male. Eventually he'll put his energies into a more worthy woman.
But seeing each other face to face will alter things. He should still be up for sex with you.
He left town unexpectedly
Submitted on Saturday, November 14, 2009
By: Clarissa
Age: 30
Location: Yakima
Question: I went on a couple of dates of the last few weeks with a guy who lives out of town and last night we slept together. he got up in the a.m. and hung out for about 2 hours. gave me a kiss and said he'd call. he left town unexpectedly today and has not called. did i make a mistake?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know... was the sex any good? If so, it wasn't all a waste of time. Sleeping with him so soon might not hurt -- he may still call you; let's not be too impatient -- but it did nothing to help develop a relationship.
By: Clarissa
Age: 30
Location: Yakima
Question: I went on a couple of dates of the last few weeks with a guy who lives out of town and last night we slept together. he got up in the a.m. and hung out for about 2 hours. gave me a kiss and said he'd call. he left town unexpectedly today and has not called. did i make a mistake?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know... was the sex any good? If so, it wasn't all a waste of time. Sleeping with him so soon might not hurt -- he may still call you; let's not be too impatient -- but it did nothing to help develop a relationship.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Message for Brenda, from New York
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
Narcissist ex
Submitted on Saturday, November 14, 2009
By: Chris
Age: 45
Location: Seattle, WA
Question: Gonna make this short, compared to the journals people write you!
Ended long marriage after five year separation from a narcissist ex. Met new guy but have been only friends but we're both attracted to each other for last three years. Don't want new guy to think he's the rebound guy. Don't want to chase him and make him think he's the rebound, or that I'm too anxious. What would you recommend?
VictorM's advice:
But... but... but... what if he is the rebound guy? You'd be the last one to know that.
Anyway, I doubt very much if he's thinking about rebound relationships. If he's attracted to you, he's going to chase you, otherwise, he's not as into you as you think he might be.
I recommend more patience and less thinking.
By: Chris
Age: 45
Location: Seattle, WA
Question: Gonna make this short, compared to the journals people write you!
Ended long marriage after five year separation from a narcissist ex. Met new guy but have been only friends but we're both attracted to each other for last three years. Don't want new guy to think he's the rebound guy. Don't want to chase him and make him think he's the rebound, or that I'm too anxious. What would you recommend?
VictorM's advice:
But... but... but... what if he is the rebound guy? You'd be the last one to know that.
Anyway, I doubt very much if he's thinking about rebound relationships. If he's attracted to you, he's going to chase you, otherwise, he's not as into you as you think he might be.
I recommend more patience and less thinking.
I feel sparkles, fireworks, butterflies
Submitted on Saturday, November 14, 2009
By: Bri
Age: 14
Location: Tennessee
Question: There is a guy that I've liked for a couple months now, but he used to go out with my best friend on and off. When they broke up he flirted with me. Then the next school year came, and he flirted with me and my best friend. Then he started dating another girl and said he was so in love with her even more than he ever was with my friend. Then my best friend moved and she got over the guy and moved on. When he and the girl broke up, he started flirting with me even more than he used to. He would kiss me, hug me, and touch my bottom a lot. since I like him a lot, I have no problem with it. Then I got on my friend's email and saw that he told her that he still loves her. She told him that he should get with me like he has been. He said I only did that to get you out of my head. I don't know what to do. I love him and it's impossible to say no to him. I want him to stop leading me on, but then again, I feel sparkles, fireworks, butterflies, etc when he touches me. Help me please!
VictorM's advice:
He's not leading you on; he's doing what guys do to girls they think don't have the self-respect and confidence to tell them to keep their hands to themselves. If you think that letting him do those things increases your chances that he'll like you, you're sadly mistaken.
By: Bri
Age: 14
Location: Tennessee
Question: There is a guy that I've liked for a couple months now, but he used to go out with my best friend on and off. When they broke up he flirted with me. Then the next school year came, and he flirted with me and my best friend. Then he started dating another girl and said he was so in love with her even more than he ever was with my friend. Then my best friend moved and she got over the guy and moved on. When he and the girl broke up, he started flirting with me even more than he used to. He would kiss me, hug me, and touch my bottom a lot. since I like him a lot, I have no problem with it. Then I got on my friend's email and saw that he told her that he still loves her. She told him that he should get with me like he has been. He said I only did that to get you out of my head. I don't know what to do. I love him and it's impossible to say no to him. I want him to stop leading me on, but then again, I feel sparkles, fireworks, butterflies, etc when he touches me. Help me please!
VictorM's advice:
He's not leading you on; he's doing what guys do to girls they think don't have the self-respect and confidence to tell them to keep their hands to themselves. If you think that letting him do those things increases your chances that he'll like you, you're sadly mistaken.
Confidential to Anon, in NJ
Guys have no need for female friends for the sake of friendship only. There's always an ulterior motive.
He enjoys your company, flirts because it's fun and you allow it, will cop feels if he can because guys like doing that, but he's not interested in anything more because he prefers the freedom to roam and to daydream about other girls. He's satisfied with what he gets from you.
He enjoys your company, flirts because it's fun and you allow it, will cop feels if he can because guys like doing that, but he's not interested in anything more because he prefers the freedom to roam and to daydream about other girls. He's satisfied with what he gets from you.
Slowly stops
Submitted on Friday, November 13, 2009
By: Joanne
Age: 29
Location: Houston
Question: My question is: if a man calls you everyday for the first couple of weeks, then it slowly stops... what is going on?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest in you.
By: Joanne
Age: 29
Location: Houston
Question: My question is: if a man calls you everyday for the first couple of weeks, then it slowly stops... what is going on?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest in you.
Friday, November 13, 2009
I'm about to go on a first date
Submitted on Thursday, November 12, 2009
By: Christina
Age: 38
Location: Texas
Question: I have nothing to lose by asking this question. I'm about to go on a first date (first for me in many years) with a guy I know from school. He and I FB all the time and he responded to one of my posts. He's calling it a date. We talked for 3 hours recently and talked about everything. What does it mean when he asks if I want kids? He is divorced and has 3 girls already. I know he wants to get remarried so I am not sure he is feeling me out. We're to go out next week, but he suggested lunch too. What happens if we both feel the urge to do something? I need some dating advice - after all it's been 20 years. How do I not turn him away?
VictorM's advice:
It's a first date, it's lunch, for crying out loud, why are you thinking so far ahead. Maybe you will want to turn him away, who knows. For all you know he's going to chew with his mouth open and pick on his nose during lunch.
You're committing the number one sin of dating -- you're becoming desperate, and there's a good chance he'll pick up on it. Desperate women scare men. He should be the one to worry about you turning him away.
By: Christina
Age: 38
Location: Texas
Question: I have nothing to lose by asking this question. I'm about to go on a first date (first for me in many years) with a guy I know from school. He and I FB all the time and he responded to one of my posts. He's calling it a date. We talked for 3 hours recently and talked about everything. What does it mean when he asks if I want kids? He is divorced and has 3 girls already. I know he wants to get remarried so I am not sure he is feeling me out. We're to go out next week, but he suggested lunch too. What happens if we both feel the urge to do something? I need some dating advice - after all it's been 20 years. How do I not turn him away?
VictorM's advice:
It's a first date, it's lunch, for crying out loud, why are you thinking so far ahead. Maybe you will want to turn him away, who knows. For all you know he's going to chew with his mouth open and pick on his nose during lunch.
You're committing the number one sin of dating -- you're becoming desperate, and there's a good chance he'll pick up on it. Desperate women scare men. He should be the one to worry about you turning him away.
He was always busy when i was free
Submitted on Thursday, November 12, 2009
By: kate
Age: 17
Location: Canada
Question: Ok, so i've liked this guy, we'll call him Doug, for about a year now. He's known that I like him since June 09. At first he said that he liked me, but over the summer we never got to hangout because he was always busy when i was free and vice versa. Now that schools started we've hung-out more. Then one night at party we ended up making out and stuff...then he told me that he really liked me and we've hung-out every weekend since. Yet when i see him at school he completely ignores me. He'll only text me when we've already made plans to hangout. I have to text him first if i want to talk to him, and then after a few texts he won't reply. Also whenever we hangout i always have to initiate the hand holding, kisses, etc. I know he's a little shy...but seriously its becoming a pain in the ass to always be the instigator. What do you think i should do?
VictorM's advice:
What you need to do is accept that he's not into you as much as you're into him. You're not a priority, so he usually has better things to do than to think of you. You're basically filler, and even so, only when you initiate contact.
By: kate
Age: 17
Location: Canada
Question: Ok, so i've liked this guy, we'll call him Doug, for about a year now. He's known that I like him since June 09. At first he said that he liked me, but over the summer we never got to hangout because he was always busy when i was free and vice versa. Now that schools started we've hung-out more. Then one night at party we ended up making out and stuff...then he told me that he really liked me and we've hung-out every weekend since. Yet when i see him at school he completely ignores me. He'll only text me when we've already made plans to hangout. I have to text him first if i want to talk to him, and then after a few texts he won't reply. Also whenever we hangout i always have to initiate the hand holding, kisses, etc. I know he's a little shy...but seriously its becoming a pain in the ass to always be the instigator. What do you think i should do?
VictorM's advice:
What you need to do is accept that he's not into you as much as you're into him. You're not a priority, so he usually has better things to do than to think of you. You're basically filler, and even so, only when you initiate contact.
Is flirting ever an indication of genuine feelings?
Submitted on Thursday, November 12, 2009
By: Anon
Age: 17
Location: Nj
Question: I've come to notice that flirting doesn't seem to be a good indicator that a guy likes a girl anymore- it seems like they'll flirt with whoever will go along. What, then, would be signs that a guy is interested in a girl? Is flirting ever an indication of genuine feelings?
B1: Submit
VictorM's advice:
You are very perceptive. Flirting only means the guy is stroking his own ego. Guys will flirt with girls they like, they will flirt with girls they don't like, it mainly depends on the mood and circumstances. Just like you girls do... when you put on sexy clothes, take two hours to get ready, and are out having fun with your friends, you will flirt. It's the mood that provokes it more than the guys you flirt with.
There is no sure way to tell if a guy is interested in you, but the closest you'll come is if you noticed changed behavior between when you're present and when you're not. For example, if a guy is being the life of the party with other people and when you arrive he quiets down (assuming you're the only one that came into the picture) that might mean he likes you. Or if a guy is very quiet but becomes talkative when you enter the picture.
By: Anon
Age: 17
Location: Nj
Question: I've come to notice that flirting doesn't seem to be a good indicator that a guy likes a girl anymore- it seems like they'll flirt with whoever will go along. What, then, would be signs that a guy is interested in a girl? Is flirting ever an indication of genuine feelings?
B1: Submit
VictorM's advice:
You are very perceptive. Flirting only means the guy is stroking his own ego. Guys will flirt with girls they like, they will flirt with girls they don't like, it mainly depends on the mood and circumstances. Just like you girls do... when you put on sexy clothes, take two hours to get ready, and are out having fun with your friends, you will flirt. It's the mood that provokes it more than the guys you flirt with.
There is no sure way to tell if a guy is interested in you, but the closest you'll come is if you noticed changed behavior between when you're present and when you're not. For example, if a guy is being the life of the party with other people and when you arrive he quiets down (assuming you're the only one that came into the picture) that might mean he likes you. Or if a guy is very quiet but becomes talkative when you enter the picture.
How do I distance myself from a guy I really like?
Submitted on Thursday, November 12, 2009
By: Kate
Age: 18
Location: LA
Question: How do I distance myself from a guy I really like?
VictorM's advice:
Being stuck on a guy is nothing more than been attached to memories. You get over a guy by forming new memories: see new movies in a different theater, go to new clubs, discover a new drink to like, make new friends, find new hobbies, take new routes to work /school / friend's house / the mall, discard clothes he liked on you and buy new ones, change your hairstyle, etc. etc. basically... change, change, change. And give yourself time -- it will take time.
By: Kate
Age: 18
Location: LA
Question: How do I distance myself from a guy I really like?
VictorM's advice:
Being stuck on a guy is nothing more than been attached to memories. You get over a guy by forming new memories: see new movies in a different theater, go to new clubs, discover a new drink to like, make new friends, find new hobbies, take new routes to work /school / friend's house / the mall, discard clothes he liked on you and buy new ones, change your hairstyle, etc. etc. basically... change, change, change. And give yourself time -- it will take time.
Flirting for fun
Submitted on Thursday, November 12, 2009
By: Elena
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: How can I know if a guy is simply flirting for fun or if he has deeper feelings for me?
VictorM's advice:
He's flirting for fun. Deeper feelings don't happen for quite a while after dating you.
Flirting is a way of stroking his own ego, not a way of sending you a signal.
By: Elena
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: How can I know if a guy is simply flirting for fun or if he has deeper feelings for me?
VictorM's advice:
He's flirting for fun. Deeper feelings don't happen for quite a while after dating you.
Flirting is a way of stroking his own ego, not a way of sending you a signal.
I changed my number so he couldn't reach me
Submitted on Thursday, November 12, 2009
By: Jenny
Age: 19
Location: California
Question: So basically there's this guy i met....and i really like him. ...i gave him my number like 2months ago we texted couple of times and and chatted online. Later on I changed my number so he couldn't reach me....last month was his bday so i sent him a message online congratulating him ...he replied with a thanks and saying he's been calling me a few times and whats up with my phone and i think i replied wrong because i changed my number. Ever since he never replied so i thought maybe he thought i changed my number so he wouldn't call me or maybe he thought i wasn't interested in him...anyway last week was my bday and he sent me an email saying "mmmm....then will you tell me whats your new one:)"....without saying happy bday or anything....now what should i reply i don't wanna give out my number thinking i am easy or something... what would you advise me to say to catch his attention??
VictorM's advice:
Oh for crying out loud, give the guy your phone. He's not going to think you're easy if you do. And who remembers anyone's birthday? Not guys, that's for sure.
By: Jenny
Age: 19
Location: California
Question: So basically there's this guy i met....and i really like him. ...i gave him my number like 2months ago we texted couple of times and and chatted online. Later on I changed my number so he couldn't reach me....last month was his bday so i sent him a message online congratulating him ...he replied with a thanks and saying he's been calling me a few times and whats up with my phone and i think i replied wrong because i changed my number. Ever since he never replied so i thought maybe he thought i changed my number so he wouldn't call me or maybe he thought i wasn't interested in him...anyway last week was my bday and he sent me an email saying "mmmm....then will you tell me whats your new one:)"....without saying happy bday or anything....now what should i reply i don't wanna give out my number thinking i am easy or something... what would you advise me to say to catch his attention??
VictorM's advice:
Oh for crying out loud, give the guy your phone. He's not going to think you're easy if you do. And who remembers anyone's birthday? Not guys, that's for sure.
Can i ask her via txt?
Submitted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009
By: friend
Question: I like this girl. Talked to her a few times for 1 or 2 minutes. Called her once left a message to call me back but she never did. We met a few a couple weeks later and she told me that shes been traveling around the us. My question is can i ask her via txt?
VictorM's advice:
Yes... text, phone, email, candygram, smoke signals... anything. Women are suckers for that stuff anyway. They probably think that texting is the greatest discovery since fire. If they could buy shoes with a texting device they'd probably orgasm nonstop. :-p
By: friend
Question: I like this girl. Talked to her a few times for 1 or 2 minutes. Called her once left a message to call me back but she never did. We met a few a couple weeks later and she told me that shes been traveling around the us. My question is can i ask her via txt?
VictorM's advice:
Yes... text, phone, email, candygram, smoke signals... anything. Women are suckers for that stuff anyway. They probably think that texting is the greatest discovery since fire. If they could buy shoes with a texting device they'd probably orgasm nonstop. :-p
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Both of us were sober
Submitted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009
By: jessica
Age: 18
Location: minnesota
Question: i'm a college freshman and the night before halloween, i met a guy at a party. it was an alcohol-free party and both of us were sober. a few guys including him asked me to dance but he was my favorite and we danced most of the night. he ended up kissing me a few times and i kissed him back every time. at the end of the night he walked me to the bus stop and said he'd add me on facebook the next day which he did. we talked on facebook a few times and made plans to go on an actual date the next friday. we had a ton of stuff in common and he seemed really great. he was very excited and mentioned that he wanted to be my boyfriend, came up with fun things for us to do and what to get me for christmas, and told me he hopes it works out. on friday we went on that date where we watched movies in his dorm and he took out his laptop so he could make our relationship "facebook official" and i said yes. i told him i'd message him the next day to hang out again. after i got off work i came over to his dorm again hoping for another date and we ended up having sex. i was very hesitant about it for a long time because i'm not that kind of girl but i felt bad and finally gave in and he seemed to really appreciate it. i told him i'd look into birth control. i regret it now because now it seems like all he wants me for is sex and he's a lot less enthusiastic compared to the previous week. last week he mentioned another party going on this friday that we should go to and while talking on facebook i said hopefully i'd see him friday and he said "perhaps, but you got more condoms right?" i also asked him to go get lunch on monday and he said he was busy. we talked on facebook chat again the next day but he was less flirty and had to leave sooner. i feel like i'm doing all the work now and that it's not how a new relationship is supposed to feel. i thought new relationships were supposed to be exciting where both people are addicted to each other but instead i just feel stressed and afraid that i'm gonna lose him already. since it is really early tho i want to still give him a chance. he hasn't dumped me so i couldn't have screwed up that bad, right? i think i'm gonna play hard to get for a few days and see what happens. sorry that was so long. thanks! :)
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, it wold be a shame to lose a lazy, sex-hungry jerk as a boyfriend :-p You girls can be so naive it's quite unnerving. He's the one fucking up and you're the one worried about screwing up? Dear lord!
You are right when you describe what a relationship should be like... a good one, that is. When it's bad, it's your job to end it or to at least shake his cage and strike fear into the poor bastard.
Anyway, yeah, play hard to get and see how he responds. But do it with a solid backbone, not as a sorry little girl afraid to lose him.
By: jessica
Age: 18
Location: minnesota
Question: i'm a college freshman and the night before halloween, i met a guy at a party. it was an alcohol-free party and both of us were sober. a few guys including him asked me to dance but he was my favorite and we danced most of the night. he ended up kissing me a few times and i kissed him back every time. at the end of the night he walked me to the bus stop and said he'd add me on facebook the next day which he did. we talked on facebook a few times and made plans to go on an actual date the next friday. we had a ton of stuff in common and he seemed really great. he was very excited and mentioned that he wanted to be my boyfriend, came up with fun things for us to do and what to get me for christmas, and told me he hopes it works out. on friday we went on that date where we watched movies in his dorm and he took out his laptop so he could make our relationship "facebook official" and i said yes. i told him i'd message him the next day to hang out again. after i got off work i came over to his dorm again hoping for another date and we ended up having sex. i was very hesitant about it for a long time because i'm not that kind of girl but i felt bad and finally gave in and he seemed to really appreciate it. i told him i'd look into birth control. i regret it now because now it seems like all he wants me for is sex and he's a lot less enthusiastic compared to the previous week. last week he mentioned another party going on this friday that we should go to and while talking on facebook i said hopefully i'd see him friday and he said "perhaps, but you got more condoms right?" i also asked him to go get lunch on monday and he said he was busy. we talked on facebook chat again the next day but he was less flirty and had to leave sooner. i feel like i'm doing all the work now and that it's not how a new relationship is supposed to feel. i thought new relationships were supposed to be exciting where both people are addicted to each other but instead i just feel stressed and afraid that i'm gonna lose him already. since it is really early tho i want to still give him a chance. he hasn't dumped me so i couldn't have screwed up that bad, right? i think i'm gonna play hard to get for a few days and see what happens. sorry that was so long. thanks! :)
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, it wold be a shame to lose a lazy, sex-hungry jerk as a boyfriend :-p You girls can be so naive it's quite unnerving. He's the one fucking up and you're the one worried about screwing up? Dear lord!
You are right when you describe what a relationship should be like... a good one, that is. When it's bad, it's your job to end it or to at least shake his cage and strike fear into the poor bastard.
Anyway, yeah, play hard to get and see how he responds. But do it with a solid backbone, not as a sorry little girl afraid to lose him.
He asks me for a nude photo of myself
Submitted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009
By: Katie
Age: 23
Location: North Dakota
Question: I have been off and on with a guy from high school. We have never officially dated and he has cheated on two other girls with me which I now regret doing. For a long time I had feelings and he just wanted sex. He is now serving a deployment in Afghanistan and before he left he would hold my hand and things he never did before. When he was back his sister told me he had feelings for me. He always initiates conversation with me via msn messenger. On occasion he asks me for a nude photo of myself but I keep declining. He still talks to me even tho I keep turning him down. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
You're a sex toy to him, judging by both your previous history with him and by his naked photo request.
His sister doesn't know what she's talking about; no feelings above his waste are involved.
That he still talks to you after you turn him down about the nude picture is not a surprise -- guys like a challenge and can be quite patient about things like this; the question is why you still talk to him after such requests, when they make it obvious what his intentions are.
By: Katie
Age: 23
Location: North Dakota
Question: I have been off and on with a guy from high school. We have never officially dated and he has cheated on two other girls with me which I now regret doing. For a long time I had feelings and he just wanted sex. He is now serving a deployment in Afghanistan and before he left he would hold my hand and things he never did before. When he was back his sister told me he had feelings for me. He always initiates conversation with me via msn messenger. On occasion he asks me for a nude photo of myself but I keep declining. He still talks to me even tho I keep turning him down. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
You're a sex toy to him, judging by both your previous history with him and by his naked photo request.
His sister doesn't know what she's talking about; no feelings above his waste are involved.
That he still talks to you after you turn him down about the nude picture is not a surprise -- guys like a challenge and can be quite patient about things like this; the question is why you still talk to him after such requests, when they make it obvious what his intentions are.
We are both on the cross country team
Submitted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009
By: K
Age: 15
Question: there's a guy i like who is a year ahead of me at school. we are both on the cross country team so we have spent a fair amount of time together in the last few months. we talk sometimes at meets and at practice and occasionally we'll write on each others' walls on facebook, and stuff like that. it's hard to tell if he flirts with me or is just being friendly because he is an outgoing and loud kid. i want to get closer to him and get to know him better without becoming "that annoying underclassman". can you help me???
VictorM's advice:
The best way to get a guy's attention is to show interest in things that he's passionate and loves to talk. Find out what those things are, and ask him questions about them. Let him know that you're impressed with his knowledge and before you know it, he'll carry you cross country on his back.
By: K
Age: 15
Question: there's a guy i like who is a year ahead of me at school. we are both on the cross country team so we have spent a fair amount of time together in the last few months. we talk sometimes at meets and at practice and occasionally we'll write on each others' walls on facebook, and stuff like that. it's hard to tell if he flirts with me or is just being friendly because he is an outgoing and loud kid. i want to get closer to him and get to know him better without becoming "that annoying underclassman". can you help me???
VictorM's advice:
The best way to get a guy's attention is to show interest in things that he's passionate and loves to talk. Find out what those things are, and ask him questions about them. Let him know that you're impressed with his knowledge and before you know it, he'll carry you cross country on his back.
He calls me his
Submitted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009
By: Ashley
Age: 22
Location: California
Question: I have been seeing this guy for about a month and things have become intimate quickly. I really like him, but he will text me and ask what I am doing when he gets off work. I invite him to my place and he says he will be right over, usually a couple hours later he will tell me either he is just coming or isn't coming. Also, he calls me his, yet he shies away from calling me his girlfriend and his facebook says he is single. Should I just get out before I am totally invested or will it change?
VictorM's advice:
He's letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that he's irresponsible, that you don't deserve enough respect, or both. Ignore these messages at your own peril.
By: Ashley
Age: 22
Location: California
Question: I have been seeing this guy for about a month and things have become intimate quickly. I really like him, but he will text me and ask what I am doing when he gets off work. I invite him to my place and he says he will be right over, usually a couple hours later he will tell me either he is just coming or isn't coming. Also, he calls me his, yet he shies away from calling me his girlfriend and his facebook says he is single. Should I just get out before I am totally invested or will it change?
VictorM's advice:
He's letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that he's irresponsible, that you don't deserve enough respect, or both. Ignore these messages at your own peril.
He decided to ask him out to a movie
Submitted on Tuesday, November 10, 2009
By: Michelle
Age: 18
Location: Washington
Question: I became interested in this guy and so started to talk/flirt with him. it seemed to be mutual. i started hanging out with him in groups a little more, and eventually decided to ask him out to a movie. We ended up talking for like 2 hours after and he even made sure I got home ok. He said he had a great time and we joked about a few things. idk what i did or what happened, maybe i'm talking to him too much? is that possible? maybe hanging around him too much? anyway, he seems to be kind of distant now like he doesn't or never did like me, but then why did he say he had such a great time? i'm completely confused and I don't know if i should tell him i'd like to hang out again, or just back off for awhile, or even give up altogether. thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe all of the things you mention are causing him to back off, but then again, saying he had a great time on one date doesn't mean he's stuck on you; it just means he had a great time that night, which could have more to do with his mood, where you went, and what you did, than with you. Or, it could be just what most people say out of politeness, whether it's true or not.
In any case, whatever he felt back during your first date says nothing about how he feels today.
Between the two options, to ask him out again or to give him space, I'd go with giving him space.
By: Michelle
Age: 18
Location: Washington
Question: I became interested in this guy and so started to talk/flirt with him. it seemed to be mutual. i started hanging out with him in groups a little more, and eventually decided to ask him out to a movie. We ended up talking for like 2 hours after and he even made sure I got home ok. He said he had a great time and we joked about a few things. idk what i did or what happened, maybe i'm talking to him too much? is that possible? maybe hanging around him too much? anyway, he seems to be kind of distant now like he doesn't or never did like me, but then why did he say he had such a great time? i'm completely confused and I don't know if i should tell him i'd like to hang out again, or just back off for awhile, or even give up altogether. thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe all of the things you mention are causing him to back off, but then again, saying he had a great time on one date doesn't mean he's stuck on you; it just means he had a great time that night, which could have more to do with his mood, where you went, and what you did, than with you. Or, it could be just what most people say out of politeness, whether it's true or not.
In any case, whatever he felt back during your first date says nothing about how he feels today.
Between the two options, to ask him out again or to give him space, I'd go with giving him space.
Is his girlfriend checking his texts?
Submitted on Tuesday, November 10, 2009
By: Kate
Age: 16
Question: One of my best guy pals has had a girlfriend for about six months now, but the past 2 months, we've gotten closer. We'd text everyday, but during the past month, we've kinda stopped texting as much. I'd text him every few days but he wouldn't reply via text, he'd wait until he saw me to continue the conversation, or switch the text conversation to talk about his girlfriend. Just now, he texted me to ask what's up, and then once I asked him what he was up to, he simply said 'just leaving *girlfriend*'s, then stopped replying.
What's up? Is his girlfriend checking his texts? Is he trying to make me jealous?
VictorM's advice:
He's just behaving like a friend should. If you behave the same way, the idea of jealousy won't even enter your mind.
By: Kate
Age: 16
Question: One of my best guy pals has had a girlfriend for about six months now, but the past 2 months, we've gotten closer. We'd text everyday, but during the past month, we've kinda stopped texting as much. I'd text him every few days but he wouldn't reply via text, he'd wait until he saw me to continue the conversation, or switch the text conversation to talk about his girlfriend. Just now, he texted me to ask what's up, and then once I asked him what he was up to, he simply said 'just leaving *girlfriend*'s, then stopped replying.
What's up? Is his girlfriend checking his texts? Is he trying to make me jealous?
VictorM's advice:
He's just behaving like a friend should. If you behave the same way, the idea of jealousy won't even enter your mind.
I got in touch with my ex boyfriend recently
Submitted on Tuesday, November 10, 2009
By: Brittany
Age: 24
Location: Orange County
Question: I got in touch with my ex boyfriend recently. I had cut him off a couple months ago because it seemed like he was trying to string me along and I wasn't really over him. But now I'm over our issues and feel I am able to remain friendly with him without getting upset. We were good friends before we got together so I don't really want to exclude him from my life. We spoke briefly everyday either on the phone or via text. One day he said he missed me and he wanted to come and see me. I picked a random day when I wasn't busy for him to see me, which was Thursday. When Thursday came he said he wanted to see me but he playfully hinted he wanted to have sex. I played along too but didn't give him a definite answer. He called me when he got off work and said he would call me when he got home so I could "come over". I told him I thought he was coming over to see me. He didn't say anything but just said he would call me back when he was through taking a shower and stuff. He never called.
The next day I was getting my car serviced (he used to service it for me). I didn't want to call him, but couldn't help it since I was so used to him dealing with my car and he knows more about it than me. When I called he answered and said he would call me back because he was with his nephew at the park. I told him I just had that question to ask him really quick. He answered the question, I thanked him and we hung up. Now a few days later I call him, and his number is changed.
SO
Did I do something wrong?? Or did he change his number because he wants me to be sad and play games with me?? I changed my number on him when we first broke up because he didn't know what he wanted and he kept hurting me. And he had done this same thing to me also only he called me later on to give me the new number. Now he hasn't.
VictorM's advice:
He simply had a moment of weakness when he said he missed you. After that, he reverted to what he knows is best for him -- avoiding you.
This situation is similar to someone wanting to quit smoking. They stay away from cigarettes for a while and then they have a moment of weakness and bum a cigarette from a friend. For the few minutes it takes to smoke the one cigarette they enjoy it, but as soon as it's over, they regret it and their resolve to quit stiffens. It's not to say they won't have another moment of weakness or that some won't go back to smoking, but as long as the desire to quit is there, they'll revert to no cigarettes.
In this story, consider yourself the bummed cigarette.
By: Brittany
Age: 24
Location: Orange County
Question: I got in touch with my ex boyfriend recently. I had cut him off a couple months ago because it seemed like he was trying to string me along and I wasn't really over him. But now I'm over our issues and feel I am able to remain friendly with him without getting upset. We were good friends before we got together so I don't really want to exclude him from my life. We spoke briefly everyday either on the phone or via text. One day he said he missed me and he wanted to come and see me. I picked a random day when I wasn't busy for him to see me, which was Thursday. When Thursday came he said he wanted to see me but he playfully hinted he wanted to have sex. I played along too but didn't give him a definite answer. He called me when he got off work and said he would call me when he got home so I could "come over". I told him I thought he was coming over to see me. He didn't say anything but just said he would call me back when he was through taking a shower and stuff. He never called.
The next day I was getting my car serviced (he used to service it for me). I didn't want to call him, but couldn't help it since I was so used to him dealing with my car and he knows more about it than me. When I called he answered and said he would call me back because he was with his nephew at the park. I told him I just had that question to ask him really quick. He answered the question, I thanked him and we hung up. Now a few days later I call him, and his number is changed.
SO
Did I do something wrong?? Or did he change his number because he wants me to be sad and play games with me?? I changed my number on him when we first broke up because he didn't know what he wanted and he kept hurting me. And he had done this same thing to me also only he called me later on to give me the new number. Now he hasn't.
VictorM's advice:
He simply had a moment of weakness when he said he missed you. After that, he reverted to what he knows is best for him -- avoiding you.
This situation is similar to someone wanting to quit smoking. They stay away from cigarettes for a while and then they have a moment of weakness and bum a cigarette from a friend. For the few minutes it takes to smoke the one cigarette they enjoy it, but as soon as it's over, they regret it and their resolve to quit stiffens. It's not to say they won't have another moment of weakness or that some won't go back to smoking, but as long as the desire to quit is there, they'll revert to no cigarettes.
In this story, consider yourself the bummed cigarette.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
We started to trust each other enough to tell secrets
Submitted on Tuesday, November 10, 2009
By: Hannah-Leigh
Age: 16
Location: Milton
Question: Ok so there is this guy that I met in August. We met each other through our friends and he ended up sitting with me at lunch. Things hit off really well and we ended up hanging out a lot before football games and after the games but never at each other's house. We would call and text about all sorts off things and soon we started to trust each other enough to tell secrets and stuff. I guess you could say that it all happened really fast for a "best friend relationship" which may be the problem. We got in an argument because he accidentally told a secret about me to some guys. I forgave him and moved on but he didn't like that I was mad at him and started treating me bad like calling me annoying and everything. I used to like him but then stopped. Now that he won't talk to me I miss him even more and unfortunately have developed a crush on him even though he's hurt me a lot. My friends have been telling me that I've been acting weird (like down, angry, and mellow) recently and it's because of him. What should I do about it because I want him to forgive me and be my friend again.
VictorM's advice:
Start talking to him without mentioning the previous fight you had. Guys generally get over things after some time, they just hate dwelling on the same thing over and over. Smart saying hi and then try to have a conversation about anything at all.
Oh, and keep your secrets to yourself.
By: Hannah-Leigh
Age: 16
Location: Milton
Question: Ok so there is this guy that I met in August. We met each other through our friends and he ended up sitting with me at lunch. Things hit off really well and we ended up hanging out a lot before football games and after the games but never at each other's house. We would call and text about all sorts off things and soon we started to trust each other enough to tell secrets and stuff. I guess you could say that it all happened really fast for a "best friend relationship" which may be the problem. We got in an argument because he accidentally told a secret about me to some guys. I forgave him and moved on but he didn't like that I was mad at him and started treating me bad like calling me annoying and everything. I used to like him but then stopped. Now that he won't talk to me I miss him even more and unfortunately have developed a crush on him even though he's hurt me a lot. My friends have been telling me that I've been acting weird (like down, angry, and mellow) recently and it's because of him. What should I do about it because I want him to forgive me and be my friend again.
VictorM's advice:
Start talking to him without mentioning the previous fight you had. Guys generally get over things after some time, they just hate dwelling on the same thing over and over. Smart saying hi and then try to have a conversation about anything at all.
Oh, and keep your secrets to yourself.
I was a little hurt
Submitted on Tuesday, November 10, 2009
By: Jen
Age: 25
Location: Rowlett
Question: So I dated this guy I worked with (big mistake I know). I thought things were going great. We were together all the time, then suddenly he stopped calling as much and I confronted him and he said I was trying to push him into the boyfriend role and he didn't like that. I'll admit I was a little hurt. So I let it go. That was about a month ago. Now he calls and text me to hang out at least once a week. People at work are finding out now, but they are only asking about it not me. Then he comes and tells me everything. He has made it a point to call me (I never call him) and ask me to hang the last couple of days. I haven't hung out with him since we stopped dating. Is he just looking for sex or what? So confused.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what he wants, but it's clear what he does not want: he does not want to be pushed.
Guys like getting to know a girl over time and without labels and obligations, for as long as necessary, to feel confident they are sure about their feelings for her.
About the sex... you know, it is entirely up to you whether he gets it or not. Exercise that power to your advantage.
By: Jen
Age: 25
Location: Rowlett
Question: So I dated this guy I worked with (big mistake I know). I thought things were going great. We were together all the time, then suddenly he stopped calling as much and I confronted him and he said I was trying to push him into the boyfriend role and he didn't like that. I'll admit I was a little hurt. So I let it go. That was about a month ago. Now he calls and text me to hang out at least once a week. People at work are finding out now, but they are only asking about it not me. Then he comes and tells me everything. He has made it a point to call me (I never call him) and ask me to hang the last couple of days. I haven't hung out with him since we stopped dating. Is he just looking for sex or what? So confused.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what he wants, but it's clear what he does not want: he does not want to be pushed.
Guys like getting to know a girl over time and without labels and obligations, for as long as necessary, to feel confident they are sure about their feelings for her.
About the sex... you know, it is entirely up to you whether he gets it or not. Exercise that power to your advantage.
A perfect first date
Submitted on Monday, November 09, 2009
By: Claire
Age: 20
Location: USA
Question: I went on what I thought was a perfect first date. Great guy, very romantic, a gentleman, and a complete sweetheart. We hugged several times goodbye. We left with no further plans, no "I'll call yous," although it was going great up until then.
I can't tell if he's interested in seeing me again or not. I'm fine with waiting awhile, but I'm not into playing dating games. I like him and I'm interested in him.
Guys, I'm thinking about sending him a short text tomorrow saying that I did have a great time and thank him for being so sweet. Would you like to get a text like that? Or should I do that whole... wait for the guy to pursue me thing?
VictorM's advice:
No, do not send that text. And there's nothing appealing to a guy being called "sweet." Yuck! Leave this kind of nonsense for your female friends.
Wait for him.
By: Claire
Age: 20
Location: USA
Question: I went on what I thought was a perfect first date. Great guy, very romantic, a gentleman, and a complete sweetheart. We hugged several times goodbye. We left with no further plans, no "I'll call yous," although it was going great up until then.
I can't tell if he's interested in seeing me again or not. I'm fine with waiting awhile, but I'm not into playing dating games. I like him and I'm interested in him.
Guys, I'm thinking about sending him a short text tomorrow saying that I did have a great time and thank him for being so sweet. Would you like to get a text like that? Or should I do that whole... wait for the guy to pursue me thing?
VictorM's advice:
No, do not send that text. And there's nothing appealing to a guy being called "sweet." Yuck! Leave this kind of nonsense for your female friends.
Wait for him.
What really makes you guys feel good
Submitted on Monday, November 09, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 32
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Hi Victor, your advice has been GREAT. It is already helping me. I am truly enlightened! I REALLY wish I had found this advice years ago.
I've read in your posts that it is our job to "encourage him to chase (us)".. "by flirting and spending time with him." Can you give some specific examples of the best way to do that? I read about giving "short, sincere compliments." What really makes you guys feel good and doesn't make us come on too strong?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
I think a lot of people are under the impression that playing hard to get means being somewhat rude to the guy. I say no way. Be pleasant, express interest in his company, be nice and friendly, smile a lot, that sorta thing, BUT... don't be too available, don't drop what you're doing to be with him, try to end conversation first (leave him wanting more of you), be a little scarce from time to time, but through it all, be nice. For example, if you reject his invitation for a date, whether it's because you really are buys or just because you don't want him taking you for granted, always be nice "Oh, I can't make it, but it's so nice of you to ask."
Guys generally are slow at wanting a relationship, but you're not going to help the cause of him falling for you if you don't spend time with him, and when you do, you want him to have the best time and to feel good about himself. You want him to think you might like him; you don't want him to KNOW that you like him. So, no love confessions, no serious talks, no "where are we headed" talks.
Guys like getting to know a girl over time, without the boyfriend/girlfriend label. But that means you should behave accordingly. Do you generally have sex with guys who are not your boyfriend? If not, then don't have sex with the guy if you have not reached that stage yet.
One last point for now, do not confuse being nice (smiling, being pleasant, having fun), with being too nice (forgiving him being late, or rude, or taking you for granted), no "missing you" or "thinking of you" texts, and don't initiate too much contact. Most guys find that annoying anyway.
I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind, but if it's not, be a little more specific and I'll do my best to answer you.
By: Rachel
Age: 32
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Hi Victor, your advice has been GREAT. It is already helping me. I am truly enlightened! I REALLY wish I had found this advice years ago.
I've read in your posts that it is our job to "encourage him to chase (us)".. "by flirting and spending time with him." Can you give some specific examples of the best way to do that? I read about giving "short, sincere compliments." What really makes you guys feel good and doesn't make us come on too strong?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
I think a lot of people are under the impression that playing hard to get means being somewhat rude to the guy. I say no way. Be pleasant, express interest in his company, be nice and friendly, smile a lot, that sorta thing, BUT... don't be too available, don't drop what you're doing to be with him, try to end conversation first (leave him wanting more of you), be a little scarce from time to time, but through it all, be nice. For example, if you reject his invitation for a date, whether it's because you really are buys or just because you don't want him taking you for granted, always be nice "Oh, I can't make it, but it's so nice of you to ask."
Guys generally are slow at wanting a relationship, but you're not going to help the cause of him falling for you if you don't spend time with him, and when you do, you want him to have the best time and to feel good about himself. You want him to think you might like him; you don't want him to KNOW that you like him. So, no love confessions, no serious talks, no "where are we headed" talks.
Guys like getting to know a girl over time, without the boyfriend/girlfriend label. But that means you should behave accordingly. Do you generally have sex with guys who are not your boyfriend? If not, then don't have sex with the guy if you have not reached that stage yet.
One last point for now, do not confuse being nice (smiling, being pleasant, having fun), with being too nice (forgiving him being late, or rude, or taking you for granted), no "missing you" or "thinking of you" texts, and don't initiate too much contact. Most guys find that annoying anyway.
I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind, but if it's not, be a little more specific and I'll do my best to answer you.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Mind games men play
sanantonerose sent me this comment:
Found a really good article about male behavior in dating that pretty much says the same things you do. Except it's been translated into woman-speak. :)
Four Mind Games Men Play
I've liked my guy best friend for about more then a few years
Submitted on Sunday, November 08, 2009
By: Brenda
Age: 21
Location: New York
Question: please help clear my mind.
I've liked my guy best friend for about more then a few years now. We had a chance in the past to hook up, or go out- but neither one of us tried anything. Well, he did but i was scared and kind of rejected him. Anyway, from that point we became best friends - hung out all the time, constantly texted, called, went out. Then he got a girlfriend. Everything changed, yet he'd still flirt w/ me - be sexual and complimenting me all the time - like he was still single and wanted me. I feel like we're both all talk, especially cause i didn't just want to be a hookup to him, and i was scared - so anyway, he had a girlfriend and they just broke up after a year and a half. And he's upset and still hung up over her - but she treated him so shady, and broke up with him. And he still flirts w/ me - but lately he's been talking to her again, and i feel like he has hopes for them going back out again - which bothers me cause she was psychotic when they were dating and she changed him in a bad way - but i feel like there's something between me and him, and that there always was. but i have no clue :( he tells me things sometimes that legit tells me he likes me, and i never act on anything, but i don't wanna be a rebound to him especially if he's still not over her - and i feel like if he really liked me, he would want to be with me - but maybe he's worried about ruining our friendship since i'm one of the few people that's close to him? but i can't get over him, and because he's so close to me- i can't just distance myself to try to get over him. the things we say to each other are always sexual, and we are just adorable together that it makes me so mad cause i'll always want more. he'll cuddle with me, touch my face lovingly, or touch my lips when were laying on each other.. uhgg.. we always sit together when were out with our friends, he's always like 'it'll be a date' and my friend asked him why he flirts w/ everyone, and why it's different and me- and he said it's cuz i know where he's coming from' - but that makes no sense?.. if you're flirting with me in a way that tells me you want me- how is that because i know where he's coming from? i feel like he convinced himself he doesn't like me - but he does. i'm always there for him and he's there for me but he's always the one who has the girl drama, when i just act like i'm seeing guys, but i'm not cause i only want him. i'm too scared to tell him i've liked him all these years cuz i'm scared of what he'll say :\ especially at this point in time w/ the ex girlfriend that he really loved/loves.. uhg i just have something inside me telling me that we both like each other.. but were all talk and my friends even say that to us and i'm scared to think he knows i like him, and he's just leading me on all these years and he just likes me as a good friend- but we flirt like hell and act so lovingly- it's like we both want the same thing but it doesn't happen. and i know guys and girls flirt with anyone, but it's just different between us. but idk how guys see things. idk what to do, if i should see how it goes with my waiting for nothing or just idk try to move on- even though ive been 'trying' to for the past years, yet still feel the same damn way about him :( what do you think?
+ he also says stuff like 'why dont u have a boyfriend..' and i said 'u tell me' and hes like 'i couldnt even if i tried' and sweet things like that :\ and idfk... :( help? thank you..
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he likes you romantically, maybe he doesn't. But if you reject him and never act on the things that he says that lead you to believe he likes you, what is a guy suppose to do? Come on, you've got to help yourself.
But, it is entirely possible that you're misreading him. Guys will flirt, cuddle, be nice and all that stuff with girls whose company they enjoy simply because they can. That is, they know they'll get away with it, that the girl will put up with it. Your company is pleasant, it's fun, and there is no responsibility, no commitment. Just because a guy truly enjoys a girl's company it does not mean he likes her romantically. Romance is more likely when there is attraction AND friction, hence his interest in a girl that according to you is so "shady." A girl that is nice and easy and all too friendly and all that is often just that, a resting place to unwind, to practice your smooth talk, and above all, a great boost to his ego because nothing inflates a guy's ego more than being around a girl who likes him more than he likes her.
The bottom line is this: your friendship with him is unsustainable. Whether it's him getting a girlfriend or you getting a boyfriend, the flirting and cuddling will not continue. Your friendship is doomed; it's just a matter of time.
So, it seems silly not to go out in a blaze of glory. You should take a chance on losing it all, because if you don't, you will lose it all. Forget the rebound thing. This is the time to remove all doubt from his mind -- doubts put there by you rejecting him and giving him false feedback. Now is the time to treat him like a date, like a romantic interest, not like a friend.
By: Brenda
Age: 21
Location: New York
Question: please help clear my mind.
I've liked my guy best friend for about more then a few years now. We had a chance in the past to hook up, or go out- but neither one of us tried anything. Well, he did but i was scared and kind of rejected him. Anyway, from that point we became best friends - hung out all the time, constantly texted, called, went out. Then he got a girlfriend. Everything changed, yet he'd still flirt w/ me - be sexual and complimenting me all the time - like he was still single and wanted me. I feel like we're both all talk, especially cause i didn't just want to be a hookup to him, and i was scared - so anyway, he had a girlfriend and they just broke up after a year and a half. And he's upset and still hung up over her - but she treated him so shady, and broke up with him. And he still flirts w/ me - but lately he's been talking to her again, and i feel like he has hopes for them going back out again - which bothers me cause she was psychotic when they were dating and she changed him in a bad way - but i feel like there's something between me and him, and that there always was. but i have no clue :( he tells me things sometimes that legit tells me he likes me, and i never act on anything, but i don't wanna be a rebound to him especially if he's still not over her - and i feel like if he really liked me, he would want to be with me - but maybe he's worried about ruining our friendship since i'm one of the few people that's close to him? but i can't get over him, and because he's so close to me- i can't just distance myself to try to get over him. the things we say to each other are always sexual, and we are just adorable together that it makes me so mad cause i'll always want more. he'll cuddle with me, touch my face lovingly, or touch my lips when were laying on each other.. uhgg.. we always sit together when were out with our friends, he's always like 'it'll be a date' and my friend asked him why he flirts w/ everyone, and why it's different and me- and he said it's cuz i know where he's coming from' - but that makes no sense?.. if you're flirting with me in a way that tells me you want me- how is that because i know where he's coming from? i feel like he convinced himself he doesn't like me - but he does. i'm always there for him and he's there for me but he's always the one who has the girl drama, when i just act like i'm seeing guys, but i'm not cause i only want him. i'm too scared to tell him i've liked him all these years cuz i'm scared of what he'll say :\ especially at this point in time w/ the ex girlfriend that he really loved/loves.. uhg i just have something inside me telling me that we both like each other.. but were all talk and my friends even say that to us and i'm scared to think he knows i like him, and he's just leading me on all these years and he just likes me as a good friend- but we flirt like hell and act so lovingly- it's like we both want the same thing but it doesn't happen. and i know guys and girls flirt with anyone, but it's just different between us. but idk how guys see things. idk what to do, if i should see how it goes with my waiting for nothing or just idk try to move on- even though ive been 'trying' to for the past years, yet still feel the same damn way about him :( what do you think?
+ he also says stuff like 'why dont u have a boyfriend..' and i said 'u tell me' and hes like 'i couldnt even if i tried' and sweet things like that :\ and idfk... :( help? thank you..
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he likes you romantically, maybe he doesn't. But if you reject him and never act on the things that he says that lead you to believe he likes you, what is a guy suppose to do? Come on, you've got to help yourself.
But, it is entirely possible that you're misreading him. Guys will flirt, cuddle, be nice and all that stuff with girls whose company they enjoy simply because they can. That is, they know they'll get away with it, that the girl will put up with it. Your company is pleasant, it's fun, and there is no responsibility, no commitment. Just because a guy truly enjoys a girl's company it does not mean he likes her romantically. Romance is more likely when there is attraction AND friction, hence his interest in a girl that according to you is so "shady." A girl that is nice and easy and all too friendly and all that is often just that, a resting place to unwind, to practice your smooth talk, and above all, a great boost to his ego because nothing inflates a guy's ego more than being around a girl who likes him more than he likes her.
The bottom line is this: your friendship with him is unsustainable. Whether it's him getting a girlfriend or you getting a boyfriend, the flirting and cuddling will not continue. Your friendship is doomed; it's just a matter of time.
So, it seems silly not to go out in a blaze of glory. You should take a chance on losing it all, because if you don't, you will lose it all. Forget the rebound thing. This is the time to remove all doubt from his mind -- doubts put there by you rejecting him and giving him false feedback. Now is the time to treat him like a date, like a romantic interest, not like a friend.
We even have webcammed a lot
Submitted on Sunday, November 08, 2009
By: Alli
Age: 17
Location: Detroit
Question: I recently met a guy online and have been in contact with him non-stop pretty much ever since. We even have webcammed a lot as well. He is always telling me he likes me. Now all of the sudden, we finally met up and it was nice...we hooked up, only for me to find out all his friends were watching. He told me how bad he felt and how he just wanted to hold me, but now he is acting different. He told me he is confused about everything and needs time. What's up?
VictorM's advice:
His friends were watching? How did that happen?
Anyway, I assume he feels like a creep and is embarrassed. If he's not, then he's a creep!
There is a magical mystery about the girl in the digital world; when she becomes real, all too often part of the magic dies.
He's not coming back; he's chasing the next mystery girl.
By: Alli
Age: 17
Location: Detroit
Question: I recently met a guy online and have been in contact with him non-stop pretty much ever since. We even have webcammed a lot as well. He is always telling me he likes me. Now all of the sudden, we finally met up and it was nice...we hooked up, only for me to find out all his friends were watching. He told me how bad he felt and how he just wanted to hold me, but now he is acting different. He told me he is confused about everything and needs time. What's up?
VictorM's advice:
His friends were watching? How did that happen?
Anyway, I assume he feels like a creep and is embarrassed. If he's not, then he's a creep!
There is a magical mystery about the girl in the digital world; when she becomes real, all too often part of the magic dies.
He's not coming back; he's chasing the next mystery girl.
one thing led to the next and we both hooked up
Submitted on Sunday, November 08, 2009
By: Al
Age: 19
Location: Columbus, OH
Question: My friends suggested me and this guy get together. We all hung out and later that night he asked if I'd like to get food sometime and we exchanged numbers. But later that night we all decided to sleep over his house; well one thing led to the next and we both hooked up and the same for the next night. I went along with it because he talked about how much he liked how different I was and how he's been interested in me. Long story short, he's not interested in me anymore. I figured it's cause I gave myself up too easily, thinking he would still keep interest =/ But we decided to stay friends and I've caught him looking at me at the bar and he sent me a text the other night saying "Was nice seeing you tonight, Just thought I'd let you know. Don't be a stranger." What does that mean? and how do I keep in touch with him but also don't be over the top with things? Any answers would be appreciated thank you!
VictorM's advice:
"Was nice seeing you tonight, Just thought I'd let you know. Don't be a stranger." That's what guys say just to be nice. It's social manners. It means nothing, really. He's not interested in staying in touch. That's not to say he wouldn't like to hook up with you again if the opportunity arose, but that's about it.
By: Al
Age: 19
Location: Columbus, OH
Question: My friends suggested me and this guy get together. We all hung out and later that night he asked if I'd like to get food sometime and we exchanged numbers. But later that night we all decided to sleep over his house; well one thing led to the next and we both hooked up and the same for the next night. I went along with it because he talked about how much he liked how different I was and how he's been interested in me. Long story short, he's not interested in me anymore. I figured it's cause I gave myself up too easily, thinking he would still keep interest =/ But we decided to stay friends and I've caught him looking at me at the bar and he sent me a text the other night saying "Was nice seeing you tonight, Just thought I'd let you know. Don't be a stranger." What does that mean? and how do I keep in touch with him but also don't be over the top with things? Any answers would be appreciated thank you!
VictorM's advice:
"Was nice seeing you tonight, Just thought I'd let you know. Don't be a stranger." That's what guys say just to be nice. It's social manners. It means nothing, really. He's not interested in staying in touch. That's not to say he wouldn't like to hook up with you again if the opportunity arose, but that's about it.
I did something that I'm not terribly proud of
Submitted on Sunday, November 08, 2009
By: hope
Age: 30 ish
Location: nc
Question: I am living with my boyfriend whom I met online about 2 years ago. We have been living together now for 4 months and things for the most part are going really well.
To give a little background, I came from a really screwy relationship that ended badly, he knows all this, from my prior relationship came a lot of insecurities. He also knows this. Anyway, I was messing around on my computer a couple of months ago and noticed a certain free porn site had been visited several times. He at first denied it, so I did something that I'm not terribly proud of and added a keylogger to my system. I have children and wanted to make sure that it wasn't them. Anyway, to make a long story short, it was him. He finally admitted to it and after lots of tears and whys on my part, he swore to me that he would never go to the site again. He told me that he loves me and that since he realized how much it truly bothered me that he would never visit the site again. I guess I should point out at this point that he has no clue that I have the keylogger installed. Fast forward to the present, I know for sure that he goes to that stupid site almost every single time I leave the house, sometimes just as soon as I walk out the door. I don't understand. Why does he continue to do it? Is it me? I believe it's because he isn't particularly attracted to me, I'm nothing like his previous girlfriends. He tried to tell me that it's a guy thing, I think that's a tired excuse. Used to often to make things that aren't ok, ok. And while I'm at it, why would he need to keep pictures that are 20 years old of ex-girlfriends and himself in compromising positions? I am seriously on the verge of a meltdown.....I need to know how to handle this. Should I just let it go? or how can I confront him without his knowing that I have a keylogger? Thanks for your time
VictorM's advice:
A man's interest in porn has nothing, NOTHING, N-O-T-H-I-N-G at all to do with his partner. Let me say that again, louder: a man's interest in porn has NOTHING at all to do with his partner.
Sex with a partner and masturbation are two very different sexual experiences. In fact, orgasm via masturbation is generally more gratifying to a man, even if few will ever admit it. Think about it: when a guy masturbates he's doing it because he wants to, his mind is singly focused on it, he doesn't have to worry about performance, he doesn't have to worried about satisfying the partner, he totally controls the pace, the grip, when to slow down, when to speed up, etc. Of course sex with a partner offers other great experiences, but as far as sex alone is concerned, even a guy who has a great sex life with other partners, will always enjoy masturbation.
For many men, porn is part of that personal experience. Porn is something that fuels our minds and is totally devoid of any emotional attachment. From a purely male human experience, there is nothing wrong with what he's doing. Focusing on the purely solo sexual satisfaction, your guy is very normal. Consider this: just legal porn alone (not even considering the illegally obtained porn) is a bigger industry in the Unites States than all the sports businesses COMBINED!
There are things to worry about: he lied to you about it, he's still lying to you about it, and depending on your values and/or religious beliefs porn could be a big taboo. Also, porn sites are notorious for spreading computer worms and viruses, so not only can he infect your computer, but if your kids use the same computer, they could be exposed to unwanted porn popups, which happen often to computers exposed to malicious sites.
You said you have had experiences that have left you with insecurities, but installing keyblogger isn't going to help you. You need to start dealing honesty with your mate if you want him to reciprocate.
If you accept my explanations above, I suggest you do the following:
-- remove the keyblogger;
-- have a discussion with him saying you understand all about the porn and that you understand him needing some solo time;
-- explained the dangers of the exposure to malicious websites, what it can do to the computer, and the possible exposure to your kids;
-- suggest that he get legal and safe porn (rentals, magazines, etc.) and keep it in a safe place, or that he purchase his own computer, or you may instead say you'd prefer if he did no such thing, that's your call;
-- don't make the porn issue itself such a big deal -- it's not. Even if you don't want to accept it, at least start the conversation from a basis that he's no freak for liking it.
Still... you are left with a lying boyfriend. Maybe this is just some small bleep and nothing much to worry about, maybe not. But you have to lead by example and stop playing games such as the keyblogger. Honest, upfront communication is your friend. Always!
By: hope
Age: 30 ish
Location: nc
Question: I am living with my boyfriend whom I met online about 2 years ago. We have been living together now for 4 months and things for the most part are going really well.
To give a little background, I came from a really screwy relationship that ended badly, he knows all this, from my prior relationship came a lot of insecurities. He also knows this. Anyway, I was messing around on my computer a couple of months ago and noticed a certain free porn site had been visited several times. He at first denied it, so I did something that I'm not terribly proud of and added a keylogger to my system. I have children and wanted to make sure that it wasn't them. Anyway, to make a long story short, it was him. He finally admitted to it and after lots of tears and whys on my part, he swore to me that he would never go to the site again. He told me that he loves me and that since he realized how much it truly bothered me that he would never visit the site again. I guess I should point out at this point that he has no clue that I have the keylogger installed. Fast forward to the present, I know for sure that he goes to that stupid site almost every single time I leave the house, sometimes just as soon as I walk out the door. I don't understand. Why does he continue to do it? Is it me? I believe it's because he isn't particularly attracted to me, I'm nothing like his previous girlfriends. He tried to tell me that it's a guy thing, I think that's a tired excuse. Used to often to make things that aren't ok, ok. And while I'm at it, why would he need to keep pictures that are 20 years old of ex-girlfriends and himself in compromising positions? I am seriously on the verge of a meltdown.....I need to know how to handle this. Should I just let it go? or how can I confront him without his knowing that I have a keylogger? Thanks for your time
VictorM's advice:
A man's interest in porn has nothing, NOTHING, N-O-T-H-I-N-G at all to do with his partner. Let me say that again, louder: a man's interest in porn has NOTHING at all to do with his partner.
Sex with a partner and masturbation are two very different sexual experiences. In fact, orgasm via masturbation is generally more gratifying to a man, even if few will ever admit it. Think about it: when a guy masturbates he's doing it because he wants to, his mind is singly focused on it, he doesn't have to worry about performance, he doesn't have to worried about satisfying the partner, he totally controls the pace, the grip, when to slow down, when to speed up, etc. Of course sex with a partner offers other great experiences, but as far as sex alone is concerned, even a guy who has a great sex life with other partners, will always enjoy masturbation.
For many men, porn is part of that personal experience. Porn is something that fuels our minds and is totally devoid of any emotional attachment. From a purely male human experience, there is nothing wrong with what he's doing. Focusing on the purely solo sexual satisfaction, your guy is very normal. Consider this: just legal porn alone (not even considering the illegally obtained porn) is a bigger industry in the Unites States than all the sports businesses COMBINED!
There are things to worry about: he lied to you about it, he's still lying to you about it, and depending on your values and/or religious beliefs porn could be a big taboo. Also, porn sites are notorious for spreading computer worms and viruses, so not only can he infect your computer, but if your kids use the same computer, they could be exposed to unwanted porn popups, which happen often to computers exposed to malicious sites.
You said you have had experiences that have left you with insecurities, but installing keyblogger isn't going to help you. You need to start dealing honesty with your mate if you want him to reciprocate.
If you accept my explanations above, I suggest you do the following:
-- remove the keyblogger;
-- have a discussion with him saying you understand all about the porn and that you understand him needing some solo time;
-- explained the dangers of the exposure to malicious websites, what it can do to the computer, and the possible exposure to your kids;
-- suggest that he get legal and safe porn (rentals, magazines, etc.) and keep it in a safe place, or that he purchase his own computer, or you may instead say you'd prefer if he did no such thing, that's your call;
-- don't make the porn issue itself such a big deal -- it's not. Even if you don't want to accept it, at least start the conversation from a basis that he's no freak for liking it.
Still... you are left with a lying boyfriend. Maybe this is just some small bleep and nothing much to worry about, maybe not. But you have to lead by example and stop playing games such as the keyblogger. Honest, upfront communication is your friend. Always!
He flirted with me but I shot him down
Submitted on Sunday, November 08, 2009
By: Reve
Age: 23
Location: US
Question: I've been fixating about this problem i have encountered and I really want it out of my system.
I had liked this guy for about five years but he had a girlfriend up until about three or four maybe more months ago, she cheated on him. About the time he dumped her he flirted with me but i shot him down cause i thought he was still taken. Which brings to the now. My friend and i did this childish thing where we came to text the one we liked. it resulted in him asking me out and i decided on coffee. We ended up spending four and a half hours together and he texted me all night till I told him I was going to bed. Three days later nothing from him so my friends goaded me in to texting him on the third night, so i did. He responded he was sick and blah blah blah he would text me soon. Now, another four days later, nothing.
I don't understand the enthusiasm one day and then it's not there at all. I understand he's "just not in to me" now but as I said i pre liked him for a long time and now i'm miffed. I know life doesn't always go how we want it and i'm more of the type who likes to be told "sorry just not interested in ya hun" as opposed to letting it drag out cause i'll fixate like i am now. I did delete his number and such from my phone but i just don't get the drastic differences between the actions of one day and the rest.
VictorM's advice:
Get used to it. Guys, almost always, are that way. He went on a date with you and of course he was enthusiastic. That's just human nature. We put our best foot forward when we meet someone and whether we like them or not, most of us like to make a good impression and to be liked. And so he was curious about you and showed it with the texting night.
But one coffee and one night of texting does not an obligation make. As most of us guys see it, we owe you no follow up, no explanation, nothing. There was no explanation or justification because that's the nature of a casual date. In fact, it would be kind of pretentious on his part to assume that you liked him after only one date anyway.
Besides, don't you see the irony of being bothered by this when you only contacted him because of some silly game you were playing with your friend?
By: Reve
Age: 23
Location: US
Question: I've been fixating about this problem i have encountered and I really want it out of my system.
I had liked this guy for about five years but he had a girlfriend up until about three or four maybe more months ago, she cheated on him. About the time he dumped her he flirted with me but i shot him down cause i thought he was still taken. Which brings to the now. My friend and i did this childish thing where we came to text the one we liked. it resulted in him asking me out and i decided on coffee. We ended up spending four and a half hours together and he texted me all night till I told him I was going to bed. Three days later nothing from him so my friends goaded me in to texting him on the third night, so i did. He responded he was sick and blah blah blah he would text me soon. Now, another four days later, nothing.
I don't understand the enthusiasm one day and then it's not there at all. I understand he's "just not in to me" now but as I said i pre liked him for a long time and now i'm miffed. I know life doesn't always go how we want it and i'm more of the type who likes to be told "sorry just not interested in ya hun" as opposed to letting it drag out cause i'll fixate like i am now. I did delete his number and such from my phone but i just don't get the drastic differences between the actions of one day and the rest.
VictorM's advice:
Get used to it. Guys, almost always, are that way. He went on a date with you and of course he was enthusiastic. That's just human nature. We put our best foot forward when we meet someone and whether we like them or not, most of us like to make a good impression and to be liked. And so he was curious about you and showed it with the texting night.
But one coffee and one night of texting does not an obligation make. As most of us guys see it, we owe you no follow up, no explanation, nothing. There was no explanation or justification because that's the nature of a casual date. In fact, it would be kind of pretentious on his part to assume that you liked him after only one date anyway.
Besides, don't you see the irony of being bothered by this when you only contacted him because of some silly game you were playing with your friend?
Monday, November 09, 2009
I feel like we are growing to be really close friends
submitted by
() on Sunday, November 08, 2009 at 11:31:01
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
By: andrea
Age: 20
Question: Hello again!
I have asked questions before about this guy, but I am back with more. This guy at work seemed interested in me, he asked me out for my birthday and took me to a nice restaurant, he asked me to meet his friends, and he asked to hang out and teach me the guitar. He is very open about how he is feeling about his life. I feel like we are growing to be really close friends in a short time. He once said that I was "beautiful and have a great personality". He also notices when I am down, or when i change my hair (no one else notices). However, lately something has changed. He doesn't initiate hanging out and he doesn't text very much, if at all. He sometimes acts somewhat awkward around me. I am really confused. I have just stopped communicating with him as well, because I don't want to be pushy or do the chasing. Why is he acting different? Did he realize something, and if so what? Was he ever interested in me? I really do like him and eventually want a relationship with him, so what should I do? I don't want to lose him as a friend! Thanks again, andrea.
VictorM's advice:
A girl is more inclined to like one guy and put all her eggs in that basket; a guy, on the other hand, quite often likes the chase more than anything else. If he feels confident that he's gotten you, that could very well be the cause for the stepping back because as far as he's concerned, mission accomplished.
He could very well have lost interest, or just feel that the element of challenge is no longer there. It's also quite possible that he was pursuing several girls at once and is taking the time to date others before he focuses on one girl more seriously.
You need to understand that guys date girls for the fun of dating more often than they do for the sake of a serious relationship.
I think you're doing the right thing by not chasing him.
() on Sunday, November 08, 2009 at 11:31:01
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
By: andrea
Age: 20
Question: Hello again!
I have asked questions before about this guy, but I am back with more. This guy at work seemed interested in me, he asked me out for my birthday and took me to a nice restaurant, he asked me to meet his friends, and he asked to hang out and teach me the guitar. He is very open about how he is feeling about his life. I feel like we are growing to be really close friends in a short time. He once said that I was "beautiful and have a great personality". He also notices when I am down, or when i change my hair (no one else notices). However, lately something has changed. He doesn't initiate hanging out and he doesn't text very much, if at all. He sometimes acts somewhat awkward around me. I am really confused. I have just stopped communicating with him as well, because I don't want to be pushy or do the chasing. Why is he acting different? Did he realize something, and if so what? Was he ever interested in me? I really do like him and eventually want a relationship with him, so what should I do? I don't want to lose him as a friend! Thanks again, andrea.
VictorM's advice:
A girl is more inclined to like one guy and put all her eggs in that basket; a guy, on the other hand, quite often likes the chase more than anything else. If he feels confident that he's gotten you, that could very well be the cause for the stepping back because as far as he's concerned, mission accomplished.
He could very well have lost interest, or just feel that the element of challenge is no longer there. It's also quite possible that he was pursuing several girls at once and is taking the time to date others before he focuses on one girl more seriously.
You need to understand that guys date girls for the fun of dating more often than they do for the sake of a serious relationship.
I think you're doing the right thing by not chasing him.
This guy constantly stares/looks at me
Submitted on Sunday, November 08, 2009
By: Jessika
Age: 15
Location: New York
Question: So this guy constantly stares/looks at me all the time in Math class (our only class together) We have never talked before but he's friends with my brother who's the age as him. He stopped calling our house to talk to my brother since the 8th grade, but decides to call THIS YEAR...And one time when my mom dropped me and my brother to school, we were late so we had to sign in. The guy I like was in front of us and said what's up to my brother and asked if I was his sister. When I open the door for him in math (because he's always late) He walks out slowly and looks at me. When I sit down in my chemistry classroom waiting for class to start, I always see him walking past it and tilting his head to look at me.
But he many many female friends and flirts A LOT...sometimes even right in front of my face (LITERALLY). One time I was talking to my guy friend outside of my chem classroom and he walks past and stops in front of me while hugging this random girl not even a foot where I was standing..) What does this mean? How do I know he likes me or DOES he? ...help?
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age are very fickle and can be turned on and turned off by the smallest of things. At this time in their lives, they are scoping all the girls, and let's face it, for a boy his age, it's like a little boy in a candy store.
It matters very little if he likes you or not at this time. What you should do is smile at him, greet him using his name, and trying to start some conversations about things he knows a lot about. If you do that, you never know what could happen... the possibilities are endless.
By: Jessika
Age: 15
Location: New York
Question: So this guy constantly stares/looks at me all the time in Math class (our only class together) We have never talked before but he's friends with my brother who's the age as him. He stopped calling our house to talk to my brother since the 8th grade, but decides to call THIS YEAR...And one time when my mom dropped me and my brother to school, we were late so we had to sign in. The guy I like was in front of us and said what's up to my brother and asked if I was his sister. When I open the door for him in math (because he's always late) He walks out slowly and looks at me. When I sit down in my chemistry classroom waiting for class to start, I always see him walking past it and tilting his head to look at me.
But he many many female friends and flirts A LOT...sometimes even right in front of my face (LITERALLY). One time I was talking to my guy friend outside of my chem classroom and he walks past and stops in front of me while hugging this random girl not even a foot where I was standing..) What does this mean? How do I know he likes me or DOES he? ...help?
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age are very fickle and can be turned on and turned off by the smallest of things. At this time in their lives, they are scoping all the girls, and let's face it, for a boy his age, it's like a little boy in a candy store.
It matters very little if he likes you or not at this time. What you should do is smile at him, greet him using his name, and trying to start some conversations about things he knows a lot about. If you do that, you never know what could happen... the possibilities are endless.
I am a nice, smart, attractive and fun girl
Submitted on Sunday, November 08, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 23
Location: RSA
Question: Hi Victor - miss me?
I have a general question: I have what I believe you call Anna syndrome - I am a nice, smart, attractive and fun girl who is perpetually single. I have had one official boyfriend (who lasted 3 months and lost interest). That was nearly 2 years ago, and I have had 2 brief relationships since then that never really got off the ground (to be fair, the one guy went overseas, not my fault!). I do get attention from some guys, just none I've been that keen on. My question is, since to people who aren't close to me it would appear that I never EVER have a boyfriend, do guys care about that stuff? Like if I were to meet someone through friends and they asked around and people said that I'm always single, is that off-putting? Would they think, "what's wrong with her then?" Or does that kind of stuff not really occur to guys? I've kind of made peace with that fact that going for quality over quantity means that I might be alone more than other girls who have lower standards, but I'm concerned that I might be judged for it by those who don't know me.
VictorM's advice:
Guys don't care about any of that. If anything, most will be pleased that you don't have too much "mileage" on you.
You know, when you do get a boyfriend, you're going to have tons of pretenders. Why? Because while guys are very clueless about many things, one thing we have that is very good is a sixth sense about detecting a desperate girl. And that's your main problem. Yes, you probably fall into the "Anna syndrome" description, but I'm more convinced that your desperation to have a boyfriend is the main reason keeping you from one. Guys can smell that type of girl a mile away.
By: Rebecca
Age: 23
Location: RSA
Question: Hi Victor - miss me?
I have a general question: I have what I believe you call Anna syndrome - I am a nice, smart, attractive and fun girl who is perpetually single. I have had one official boyfriend (who lasted 3 months and lost interest). That was nearly 2 years ago, and I have had 2 brief relationships since then that never really got off the ground (to be fair, the one guy went overseas, not my fault!). I do get attention from some guys, just none I've been that keen on. My question is, since to people who aren't close to me it would appear that I never EVER have a boyfriend, do guys care about that stuff? Like if I were to meet someone through friends and they asked around and people said that I'm always single, is that off-putting? Would they think, "what's wrong with her then?" Or does that kind of stuff not really occur to guys? I've kind of made peace with that fact that going for quality over quantity means that I might be alone more than other girls who have lower standards, but I'm concerned that I might be judged for it by those who don't know me.
VictorM's advice:
Guys don't care about any of that. If anything, most will be pleased that you don't have too much "mileage" on you.
You know, when you do get a boyfriend, you're going to have tons of pretenders. Why? Because while guys are very clueless about many things, one thing we have that is very good is a sixth sense about detecting a desperate girl. And that's your main problem. Yes, you probably fall into the "Anna syndrome" description, but I'm more convinced that your desperation to have a boyfriend is the main reason keeping you from one. Guys can smell that type of girl a mile away.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
I ended up getting really extremely wasted
Submitted on Saturday, November 07, 2009
By: anonymous
Age: 21
Location: PA
Question: So, last semester this guy and I had a class together. We had never really talked before at all, and i basically barely knew his name. his friend was the obnoxious one in class, so he got all the attention. one night our school had a big concert and i ended up getting really extremely wasted. i was having fun with people, and ended up in the lobby of a guy's hall. out of nowhere, he just kinda appeared in front of me. he was also drunk. for some reason i started ranting about how he was nice and cute (which i hadn't ever thought before, even in my sober thoughts), and we started making out and ended up in his room having sex. he was really nice about it - he was respectful and made sure i was comfortable. i saw him out the next weekend at another house and ended up making out again. the year was practically over by this time, and we had a final coming up so i asked him if he wanted to study with me. he seemed reluctant and thought i meant a different kind of "study", which is understandable seeing as though the only other time we were together we were having sex. i let it go and figured to not bother him, then the night after the final was over, he texted me asking why we didn't study for the final together. i was so confused by this! then we had a 3-hour long texting conversation about nothing in particular: he asked me what i was gonna do in the summer and volunteered to tell me where he lived, etc. definitely confused.
the summer goes by and i don't hear from him at all, and i get back together with my ex-boyfriend. then i found out through people that the kid was not coming back to campus in the fall. but randomly, he has great timing and texts me the night before i turn 21, and we end up having a pretty nice conversation, catching up on things. i texted him a few weeks after asking if he was coming up for homecoming. he was on campus, but i ended up going home and not seeing him. then my sorority had a mixer with his frat & he was there. when i first got there i was still sober and made small talk with him. it went well, but i continued my journey around the mixer with my sisters and i getting drunk. i ended up seeing him later, and yes, we ended up making out and going to a room to have sex. it wasn't awkward because we are good with talking to each other. i offered for him to stay in my room, so he came up and seemed pretty content to, but once i found out he didn't have his stuff with him i felt bad, and i was like, "welll maybe you should go back to your friend's.." then he joked that he was offended i was trying to kick him out. ha i just told him i want him to be comfortable, and he went back. he texted me once he got back to his friend's and said that i looked pretty that night and i wasn't a skank (since i joked around with him about it before), and that it was nice of me to offer my room to him. i texted him the next day and we had a pretty long conversation. a week or so goes by, then a sat. night he texted me to ask me how my Halloween weekend was going, and we talked for awhile after that.
okay, i have no idea how to read into this. i feel bad that our relationship so far has consisted mostly of sex. i don't want it to, and i'm shy to go any further because idk if he just considers me a one night stand. plus, it's even worse because i have a boyfriend. i am now an official cheater. ugh. help.
VictorM's advice:
Help? How is telling you what you already must know -- namely, that you're a drunk one night stand -- going to help you? Do you for a minute believe that a guy who sees you "extremely wasted" and willing to fuck, not to mention being a cheater, somehow is a girl worth getting serious about? Come on!
By: anonymous
Age: 21
Location: PA
Question: So, last semester this guy and I had a class together. We had never really talked before at all, and i basically barely knew his name. his friend was the obnoxious one in class, so he got all the attention. one night our school had a big concert and i ended up getting really extremely wasted. i was having fun with people, and ended up in the lobby of a guy's hall. out of nowhere, he just kinda appeared in front of me. he was also drunk. for some reason i started ranting about how he was nice and cute (which i hadn't ever thought before, even in my sober thoughts), and we started making out and ended up in his room having sex. he was really nice about it - he was respectful and made sure i was comfortable. i saw him out the next weekend at another house and ended up making out again. the year was practically over by this time, and we had a final coming up so i asked him if he wanted to study with me. he seemed reluctant and thought i meant a different kind of "study", which is understandable seeing as though the only other time we were together we were having sex. i let it go and figured to not bother him, then the night after the final was over, he texted me asking why we didn't study for the final together. i was so confused by this! then we had a 3-hour long texting conversation about nothing in particular: he asked me what i was gonna do in the summer and volunteered to tell me where he lived, etc. definitely confused.
the summer goes by and i don't hear from him at all, and i get back together with my ex-boyfriend. then i found out through people that the kid was not coming back to campus in the fall. but randomly, he has great timing and texts me the night before i turn 21, and we end up having a pretty nice conversation, catching up on things. i texted him a few weeks after asking if he was coming up for homecoming. he was on campus, but i ended up going home and not seeing him. then my sorority had a mixer with his frat & he was there. when i first got there i was still sober and made small talk with him. it went well, but i continued my journey around the mixer with my sisters and i getting drunk. i ended up seeing him later, and yes, we ended up making out and going to a room to have sex. it wasn't awkward because we are good with talking to each other. i offered for him to stay in my room, so he came up and seemed pretty content to, but once i found out he didn't have his stuff with him i felt bad, and i was like, "welll maybe you should go back to your friend's.." then he joked that he was offended i was trying to kick him out. ha i just told him i want him to be comfortable, and he went back. he texted me once he got back to his friend's and said that i looked pretty that night and i wasn't a skank (since i joked around with him about it before), and that it was nice of me to offer my room to him. i texted him the next day and we had a pretty long conversation. a week or so goes by, then a sat. night he texted me to ask me how my Halloween weekend was going, and we talked for awhile after that.
okay, i have no idea how to read into this. i feel bad that our relationship so far has consisted mostly of sex. i don't want it to, and i'm shy to go any further because idk if he just considers me a one night stand. plus, it's even worse because i have a boyfriend. i am now an official cheater. ugh. help.
VictorM's advice:
Help? How is telling you what you already must know -- namely, that you're a drunk one night stand -- going to help you? Do you for a minute believe that a guy who sees you "extremely wasted" and willing to fuck, not to mention being a cheater, somehow is a girl worth getting serious about? Come on!
We decided to grab liquor and go to his place
Submitted on Saturday, November 07, 2009
By: Kim
Age: 22
Location: Toronto
Question: Hey.
Basically, I've known this guy for about a year and we only started hanging out more (at school). He suggested we chill sometime outside of school and so he invited me to his house to hang out. When we met up he had his friend with him, we decided to grab liquor and go to his place. We were flirting a bit before we started drinking and then he ended up giving me pecks on the cheeks all night. We danced together all night to his music and had a good time until we got into it and started making out. The thing is, we slept together and when we were done, he asked me if i liked him.. which i replied, "i always have". Less than 5 hours later, he gets up, goes downstairs without saying anything and remains with his friend until I come downstairs. He didn't acknowledge I was there for about 2 minutes and then looked at me, I said "Hi" and he smiled. He acted strange, wouldn't talk or sit near me and eventually warmed up more and started to touch me and lay on me. On our way to the bus stop, his friend left us alone for a minute. We had been silent most of the time and I asked him jokingly "what's new?", he replied "you mean besides you and I having sex last night?" I asked him if he thought things were weird between us and said "no". We got to the bus stop and he asked what I was doing tonight which made me think he might expect another round if we hung out again or he really was acting as if he cared.. So i said i'd be busy. He asked me to call him and now im left wondering how i will know if he just wants or wanted sex or possibly more?
VictorM's advice:
More? What do you think he wants, knitting lessons? Come on!
He's gotten sex with you for the price of some booze; I doubt very much he'd be willing to give up his freedom for something he can have for next to nothing.
By: Kim
Age: 22
Location: Toronto
Question: Hey.
Basically, I've known this guy for about a year and we only started hanging out more (at school). He suggested we chill sometime outside of school and so he invited me to his house to hang out. When we met up he had his friend with him, we decided to grab liquor and go to his place. We were flirting a bit before we started drinking and then he ended up giving me pecks on the cheeks all night. We danced together all night to his music and had a good time until we got into it and started making out. The thing is, we slept together and when we were done, he asked me if i liked him.. which i replied, "i always have". Less than 5 hours later, he gets up, goes downstairs without saying anything and remains with his friend until I come downstairs. He didn't acknowledge I was there for about 2 minutes and then looked at me, I said "Hi" and he smiled. He acted strange, wouldn't talk or sit near me and eventually warmed up more and started to touch me and lay on me. On our way to the bus stop, his friend left us alone for a minute. We had been silent most of the time and I asked him jokingly "what's new?", he replied "you mean besides you and I having sex last night?" I asked him if he thought things were weird between us and said "no". We got to the bus stop and he asked what I was doing tonight which made me think he might expect another round if we hung out again or he really was acting as if he cared.. So i said i'd be busy. He asked me to call him and now im left wondering how i will know if he just wants or wanted sex or possibly more?
VictorM's advice:
More? What do you think he wants, knitting lessons? Come on!
He's gotten sex with you for the price of some booze; I doubt very much he'd be willing to give up his freedom for something he can have for next to nothing.
Confidential to Nina, in Korea
Lots of guys do a lot of looking at pretty women simply as a fun way to pass the time -- it doesn't mean they are interested. But if you're going to wait around for him to take the initiative, you have to at least send encouraging signs. Looking away and acting cool towards him isn't going to encourage him to take the risk of being rejected.
We were inseparable except when working
Submitted on Saturday, November 07, 2009
By: Veronica
Age: 31
Location: Cali
Question: I was working on a project for 2 months in a tourist destination. I knew I was only going to be their for a short time, and this location in notorious for having seasonal visitors. I became friends with the locals and even got involved with one. The last month I was there we were inseparable except when working. Hung out, smoked weed, partied, laughed, made out, had sex...it was great. We both really liked each other. I'm 31 he's 38.
Anyway, the project ended, I left and really missed him. Still do. We talk on the phone and he even came to my town for a trip but I happened to be out of town on business. We haven't seen each other in a month, we call and text but those convos are becoming fewer and farther between.
Here is the issue: I want to go visit, but I'm afraid things won't be the same. I'm afraid we may have both been so "into it" because I was there for a finite amount of time and then leaving....so it was sort of a fling type mentality. Like a camp boyfriend. BUT I really started liking this guy. Also, the project may be sending me back to the same town for another 2 months in January....so this may happen all over again.
I know this guy is a good time party guy, but I think he really liked me. I also found out he has a way of making really independent unattainable women act...crazy. Not to sound cocky, but I always get the guy I'm after. He is becoming a bit more distant and now I'm all in my head about it. I want to play it cool but I want him to stay interested. Should i go visit? Was this just a fling and let it be just that? How do I keep him interested without playing into his hand?
VictorM's advice:
One thing I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty: physical separation will not increase the chances that a guy will be more interested. If you want to improve your odds, increase the physical presence.
Pack your bags and go, even if you risk not repeating the magic.
By: Veronica
Age: 31
Location: Cali
Question: I was working on a project for 2 months in a tourist destination. I knew I was only going to be their for a short time, and this location in notorious for having seasonal visitors. I became friends with the locals and even got involved with one. The last month I was there we were inseparable except when working. Hung out, smoked weed, partied, laughed, made out, had sex...it was great. We both really liked each other. I'm 31 he's 38.
Anyway, the project ended, I left and really missed him. Still do. We talk on the phone and he even came to my town for a trip but I happened to be out of town on business. We haven't seen each other in a month, we call and text but those convos are becoming fewer and farther between.
Here is the issue: I want to go visit, but I'm afraid things won't be the same. I'm afraid we may have both been so "into it" because I was there for a finite amount of time and then leaving....so it was sort of a fling type mentality. Like a camp boyfriend. BUT I really started liking this guy. Also, the project may be sending me back to the same town for another 2 months in January....so this may happen all over again.
I know this guy is a good time party guy, but I think he really liked me. I also found out he has a way of making really independent unattainable women act...crazy. Not to sound cocky, but I always get the guy I'm after. He is becoming a bit more distant and now I'm all in my head about it. I want to play it cool but I want him to stay interested. Should i go visit? Was this just a fling and let it be just that? How do I keep him interested without playing into his hand?
VictorM's advice:
One thing I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty: physical separation will not increase the chances that a guy will be more interested. If you want to improve your odds, increase the physical presence.
Pack your bags and go, even if you risk not repeating the magic.
which cousin, which cousin
Submitted on Friday, November 06, 2009
By: Maria
Age: 18
Location: US
Question: Well i have a boyfriend , we are this long, long distance thing. We have found that chatting is an easier way to communicate because the phone thing is quite expensive. But we have spoken on the phone. The first time i called we were talking really well, until i heard his cousins come in the room. They were kinda teasing him about who he was talking to and i heard him say something like that i was a cousin. I wasn't sure if i had heard right. But i heard his cousins say "which cousin, which cousin, say her name say her name"...I left it alone. But it kept bugging me. I called him the next day and asked him whether he said that and he said that he told them that they where thinking wrong, and he swears it. He even asked me if i wanted to talk to his cousin if i didn't believe him. I believed him because i guess i wanted to, but it is still something that bothers me because i heard what i heard. I know he is really shy and guys can sometimes tease other guys a lot for stupid reasons especially having girlfriends...I know i am putting excuses... but what is your take on this? How should i read into this? What should i do?
VictorM's advice:
I gave this question about 20 seconds of thought before typing this answer, and that's about 20 seconds more than you should give it.
By: Maria
Age: 18
Location: US
Question: Well i have a boyfriend , we are this long, long distance thing. We have found that chatting is an easier way to communicate because the phone thing is quite expensive. But we have spoken on the phone. The first time i called we were talking really well, until i heard his cousins come in the room. They were kinda teasing him about who he was talking to and i heard him say something like that i was a cousin. I wasn't sure if i had heard right. But i heard his cousins say "which cousin, which cousin, say her name say her name"...I left it alone. But it kept bugging me. I called him the next day and asked him whether he said that and he said that he told them that they where thinking wrong, and he swears it. He even asked me if i wanted to talk to his cousin if i didn't believe him. I believed him because i guess i wanted to, but it is still something that bothers me because i heard what i heard. I know he is really shy and guys can sometimes tease other guys a lot for stupid reasons especially having girlfriends...I know i am putting excuses... but what is your take on this? How should i read into this? What should i do?
VictorM's advice:
I gave this question about 20 seconds of thought before typing this answer, and that's about 20 seconds more than you should give it.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
I don't know what to do
Submitted on Friday, November 06, 2009
By: Kali
Age: 15
Location: Wisconsin
Question: I really like this guy but I don't know what to do. I just have no idea. I kind of talk to him, but what else should i do? My friends just tell me to keep talking to him.
VictorM's advice:
Find our from him, or from his friends, what topics he's most passionate about and ask questions about those topics. Guys love to show off about things they feel confident about.
When you see him, great him with a smile and use his name (example: "Hi, Jim") People respond positively to those who use their name.
Pay him simple, short, and sincere compliments about his looks or his knowledge. "New shirt, Jim? Looks great." But do not bother telling him that he's nice, or kind, or that kind of stuff. Those compliments do nothing for a guy. And do NOT tell him that you like him.
Now, go get him, Kali. :)
By: Kali
Age: 15
Location: Wisconsin
Question: I really like this guy but I don't know what to do. I just have no idea. I kind of talk to him, but what else should i do? My friends just tell me to keep talking to him.
VictorM's advice:
Find our from him, or from his friends, what topics he's most passionate about and ask questions about those topics. Guys love to show off about things they feel confident about.
When you see him, great him with a smile and use his name (example: "Hi, Jim") People respond positively to those who use their name.
Pay him simple, short, and sincere compliments about his looks or his knowledge. "New shirt, Jim? Looks great." But do not bother telling him that he's nice, or kind, or that kind of stuff. Those compliments do nothing for a guy. And do NOT tell him that you like him.
Now, go get him, Kali. :)
A little too much a little too fast
Submitted on Friday, November 06, 2009
By: ellie
Question: hi victor,
i kind of asked this question on the forum but i wanted to ask you too... basically, i have done a little too much a little too fast with this guy and i want to know how to slow it down without freaking him out. we have hung out four times, always in a group, and have never been on a "date" since i was living in another city and would just come visit on the weekends sometimes to see my friends. three of those times i slept over his house. my friends stayed there too a couple of those times.
now i am moving to his city and he knows. last time i stayed over, he said, when will i see you again, and i said, i don't know, so he told me to call him when i am moved in.
so my first question is, should i wait a week or two before i call him, or should i not call him at all and see if he calls me?
my second question is, when i do see him (if i do), do you think i should just flat out say that i want to slow things down, and take time to get to know each other before hooking up anymore, or will that make him mad or freak him out? or do you think it's better to just make excuses about why i can't stay over his place, and only hang out with him in public for a while, but not actually say anything to him about slowing things down? maybe that way he won't even realize it and he will start getting to know me, and maybe start liking me as more than just someone to hook up with.
what do you think is the best way?
also, last question, how do i get him to hang out with me when we are not all with our friends at a bar or something... should i be the one to suggest it? it was a weird situation before because i would always be coming to visit my friends for the weekend, so we would spend time together with my friends out somewhere.
VictorM's advice:
1. Let the guy chase you; do NOT chase him.
2. Make decisions on what you think is right for you, not based on how you think he's going to react. Do the right thing; if he gets mad, that's his problem.
3. If this guy was into you, he'd want to be alone with you. You're still chasing losers who don't value you, Ellie.
By: ellie
Question: hi victor,
i kind of asked this question on the forum but i wanted to ask you too... basically, i have done a little too much a little too fast with this guy and i want to know how to slow it down without freaking him out. we have hung out four times, always in a group, and have never been on a "date" since i was living in another city and would just come visit on the weekends sometimes to see my friends. three of those times i slept over his house. my friends stayed there too a couple of those times.
now i am moving to his city and he knows. last time i stayed over, he said, when will i see you again, and i said, i don't know, so he told me to call him when i am moved in.
so my first question is, should i wait a week or two before i call him, or should i not call him at all and see if he calls me?
my second question is, when i do see him (if i do), do you think i should just flat out say that i want to slow things down, and take time to get to know each other before hooking up anymore, or will that make him mad or freak him out? or do you think it's better to just make excuses about why i can't stay over his place, and only hang out with him in public for a while, but not actually say anything to him about slowing things down? maybe that way he won't even realize it and he will start getting to know me, and maybe start liking me as more than just someone to hook up with.
what do you think is the best way?
also, last question, how do i get him to hang out with me when we are not all with our friends at a bar or something... should i be the one to suggest it? it was a weird situation before because i would always be coming to visit my friends for the weekend, so we would spend time together with my friends out somewhere.
VictorM's advice:
1. Let the guy chase you; do NOT chase him.
2. Make decisions on what you think is right for you, not based on how you think he's going to react. Do the right thing; if he gets mad, that's his problem.
3. If this guy was into you, he'd want to be alone with you. You're still chasing losers who don't value you, Ellie.
All these boys just treat me so badly
Submitted on Friday, November 06, 2009
By: Beth
Question: Hi victor!
So I haven't had a real relationship in about 2 years. My last boyfriend is now my best guy friend and we only dated for about four months in high school. I'm into my second year of college now and every guy I have met has seemed really interested in me, we would hang out consistently but I wouldn't have sex with any of them as I am still a virgin. For some reason or another they always just end up leaving me without an explanation or just stop talking to me. I've driven three guys away in a row I have to ask whats wrong with me? I have the worst luck with boys. They always treat me like complete shit and I don't understand why since I was never clingy or needy and never brought up a relationship. I almost feel like I attract these ass holes. My Dad doesn't treat my mother very well and I was brought up around that type of relationship as a model. Could it be possible that i'm actually seeking out guys that are like my father? I just don't understand I'm a pretty girl, nice, smart and yet I still have all these boys who just treat me so badly and lead me on to think they like me and then just leave! It makes me feel awful about myself and makes me feel like I'm never good enough for them. However when a guy is really nice to me I almost get like turned off.. its so messed up. Help! :(
VictorM's advice:
First of all, say hello to Becky. :)
Your situation is quite common. You grow up with a defective authority figure, and assume total responsibility for not having fixed him. So, two things happen: you date others who are abusive to fulfill this elusive need to fix the guy to make up for your perceived failure with your father; and because your mother suffered so much, in your own mind because you couldn't help her, you feel you don't deserve any better.
Your situation is one that I can't deal with a paragraph or two, but can be helped by professional therapy. Until, and unless, you find a way to convince yourself that your father being the way he was was not your fault and there was nothing you can do about it, and that your mother suffered his abuse because of actions she took, not because of what you didn't do, your relationships are all going to be crap.
Seek professional help.
By: Beth
Question: Hi victor!
So I haven't had a real relationship in about 2 years. My last boyfriend is now my best guy friend and we only dated for about four months in high school. I'm into my second year of college now and every guy I have met has seemed really interested in me, we would hang out consistently but I wouldn't have sex with any of them as I am still a virgin. For some reason or another they always just end up leaving me without an explanation or just stop talking to me. I've driven three guys away in a row I have to ask whats wrong with me? I have the worst luck with boys. They always treat me like complete shit and I don't understand why since I was never clingy or needy and never brought up a relationship. I almost feel like I attract these ass holes. My Dad doesn't treat my mother very well and I was brought up around that type of relationship as a model. Could it be possible that i'm actually seeking out guys that are like my father? I just don't understand I'm a pretty girl, nice, smart and yet I still have all these boys who just treat me so badly and lead me on to think they like me and then just leave! It makes me feel awful about myself and makes me feel like I'm never good enough for them. However when a guy is really nice to me I almost get like turned off.. its so messed up. Help! :(
VictorM's advice:
First of all, say hello to Becky. :)
Your situation is quite common. You grow up with a defective authority figure, and assume total responsibility for not having fixed him. So, two things happen: you date others who are abusive to fulfill this elusive need to fix the guy to make up for your perceived failure with your father; and because your mother suffered so much, in your own mind because you couldn't help her, you feel you don't deserve any better.
Your situation is one that I can't deal with a paragraph or two, but can be helped by professional therapy. Until, and unless, you find a way to convince yourself that your father being the way he was was not your fault and there was nothing you can do about it, and that your mother suffered his abuse because of actions she took, not because of what you didn't do, your relationships are all going to be crap.
Seek professional help.
He has recently gone silent
Submitted on Friday, November 06, 2009
By: Becky
Age: 20
Location: MD
Question: This guy I have been hooking up with for months has recently gone silent. It's been a few weeks since he's texted me or asked me to hang out. Obviously I feel like he's not into me anymore for whatever reason. I wasn't clingy, pressured him about a relationship or any of that so I don't really understand.
I tried to talk to him about it and texted him saying: "Are you ok? You've been acting really weird lately I wanted to make sure your not mad at me." He responded saying: "Nope, never better. Just towards the end of my season with playoffs around the corner. I like to lay low. I got no reason to be mad at you :)"
I'm not stupid, I know this sounds like a blow off. So why doesn't he just come out and say he'd rather be just friends? It's unfair to me to keep me guessing.
Anyway, I saw him at a party and I walked outside with another guy who took me there. He was just standing there with his guy friends and said hi to me and was really nice and normal so I was glad it wasn't awkward. The next night however I saw him at this huge party and he didn't even acknowledge me! He was right across the room from me at one point and... not a word! He also walked right by me when I was talking to other people and still nothing. What gives?!
VictorM's advice:
Going silent instead of telling you he was no longer interested is, sadly, a far too common cowardly action by guys. It's very unpleasant to face a girl with such news, so many guys simply chicken out.
Even when a guy loses interest in a girl, his ego still clamors for the girl to like him or to at least be crushed (in fact, it is because the guy thinks you'll be crushed that he goes silent on you). So when he first saw you he was acting nice, hoping to feed his ego with the attention you were going to give me. But, instead, there you were, at a party, with another guy, not acting like a crushed little girl. That was a big blow to his ego, hence the indifference the last time around.
By: Becky
Age: 20
Location: MD
Question: This guy I have been hooking up with for months has recently gone silent. It's been a few weeks since he's texted me or asked me to hang out. Obviously I feel like he's not into me anymore for whatever reason. I wasn't clingy, pressured him about a relationship or any of that so I don't really understand.
I tried to talk to him about it and texted him saying: "Are you ok? You've been acting really weird lately I wanted to make sure your not mad at me." He responded saying: "Nope, never better. Just towards the end of my season with playoffs around the corner. I like to lay low. I got no reason to be mad at you :)"
I'm not stupid, I know this sounds like a blow off. So why doesn't he just come out and say he'd rather be just friends? It's unfair to me to keep me guessing.
Anyway, I saw him at a party and I walked outside with another guy who took me there. He was just standing there with his guy friends and said hi to me and was really nice and normal so I was glad it wasn't awkward. The next night however I saw him at this huge party and he didn't even acknowledge me! He was right across the room from me at one point and... not a word! He also walked right by me when I was talking to other people and still nothing. What gives?!
VictorM's advice:
Going silent instead of telling you he was no longer interested is, sadly, a far too common cowardly action by guys. It's very unpleasant to face a girl with such news, so many guys simply chicken out.
Even when a guy loses interest in a girl, his ego still clamors for the girl to like him or to at least be crushed (in fact, it is because the guy thinks you'll be crushed that he goes silent on you). So when he first saw you he was acting nice, hoping to feed his ego with the attention you were going to give me. But, instead, there you were, at a party, with another guy, not acting like a crushed little girl. That was a big blow to his ego, hence the indifference the last time around.
He asked me to be his girlfriend on Saturday
Submitted on Friday, November 06, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 19
Location: London
Question: I was seeing a guy for a few weeks, then he asked me to be his girlfriend on Saturday, it was all great. This week we've been really busy so not seen each other that much and last night on the phone he said he thinks we should revert back to what we were before because we're just too busy for anything serious. I'm not demanding at all and am happy seeing him less when were busy. Is he just scared of commitment?
VictorM's advice:
No. He just realized he made a mistake.
By: Rachel
Age: 19
Location: London
Question: I was seeing a guy for a few weeks, then he asked me to be his girlfriend on Saturday, it was all great. This week we've been really busy so not seen each other that much and last night on the phone he said he thinks we should revert back to what we were before because we're just too busy for anything serious. I'm not demanding at all and am happy seeing him less when were busy. Is he just scared of commitment?
VictorM's advice:
No. He just realized he made a mistake.
on-and-off relationship
Submitted on Thursday, November 05, 2009
By: Becca
Age: 14
Question: Hey Victor!
so i have had this on-and-off relationship with this one guy for two years but this year we're just good friends. i have a good feeling that he still likes me but i've moved on and i said that i wouldn't go back to him. my friend and his friend came up to me and asked me what my bf's name was but i don't have one and then he asked me if i still liked my ex but i said no. then
my friend wouldn't tell me why he asked that. what should i do? i mean, i don't like the guy but he still likes me? i don't want to really say anything because he doesn't make it too obvious and i don't want to ruin our friendship. thankx victor this will help a lot!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say if he still likes you. Often, even if a guy doesn't like you he still likes to think you like him. That's because with guys, more often than not, it's all about ego.
In any case, whether he likes you or not, it's his issue, not yours. You just go on about your business as someone who has moved on.
By: Becca
Age: 14
Question: Hey Victor!
so i have had this on-and-off relationship with this one guy for two years but this year we're just good friends. i have a good feeling that he still likes me but i've moved on and i said that i wouldn't go back to him. my friend and his friend came up to me and asked me what my bf's name was but i don't have one and then he asked me if i still liked my ex but i said no. then
my friend wouldn't tell me why he asked that. what should i do? i mean, i don't like the guy but he still likes me? i don't want to really say anything because he doesn't make it too obvious and i don't want to ruin our friendship. thankx victor this will help a lot!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say if he still likes you. Often, even if a guy doesn't like you he still likes to think you like him. That's because with guys, more often than not, it's all about ego.
In any case, whether he likes you or not, it's his issue, not yours. You just go on about your business as someone who has moved on.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
i have had a crush on you since the first time i saw you
Submitted on Tuesday, November 03, 2009
By: candi
Age: 13
Location: US
Question: this guy on the bus started staring at me a few weeks ago then today he gave me a letter that reads "I just wanted to tell you i have had a crush on you since the first time i saw you. i am really shy that's why i wrote this letter i need to tell you or i think i will go crazy. I don't mean anything must happen i just wanted to tell you i have a crush on you." What should i do? I don't really like him
VictorM's advice:
Just tell him you're flattered. There's no point in crushing the poor guy like a grape.
By: candi
Age: 13
Location: US
Question: this guy on the bus started staring at me a few weeks ago then today he gave me a letter that reads "I just wanted to tell you i have had a crush on you since the first time i saw you. i am really shy that's why i wrote this letter i need to tell you or i think i will go crazy. I don't mean anything must happen i just wanted to tell you i have a crush on you." What should i do? I don't really like him
VictorM's advice:
Just tell him you're flattered. There's no point in crushing the poor guy like a grape.
Was I just a one night stand?
Submitted on Friday, October 30, 2009
By: alecia
Age: 23
Location: brockton
Question: A guy that I like and slept with once a week ago, hasn't called me or texted me. He called me once and texted me like 4 times, that's it. What does this mean? Was I just a one night stand? He said he likes me but just a little caught up right now.
VictorM's advice:
You were just a one-night stand. He might want to repeat the event, but the odds you'll ever be more than just a booty call are slim.
By: alecia
Age: 23
Location: brockton
Question: A guy that I like and slept with once a week ago, hasn't called me or texted me. He called me once and texted me like 4 times, that's it. What does this mean? Was I just a one night stand? He said he likes me but just a little caught up right now.
VictorM's advice:
You were just a one-night stand. He might want to repeat the event, but the odds you'll ever be more than just a booty call are slim.
I don't want him to know that I care
Submitted on Friday, October 30, 2009
By: Michell
Age: 21
Location: San Diego
Question: This guy I hadn't even started seeing yet was extremely rude to me on the phone, but then apologized profusely and said he had been drinking. I don't want him to know that I care, but how should I act? Be mad, hurt, or sad? I like him and want to try it out but want to know how to get to him.
VictorM's advice:
Act the way you feel. If something is going to happen between you and him it should start with honesty.
By: Michell
Age: 21
Location: San Diego
Question: This guy I hadn't even started seeing yet was extremely rude to me on the phone, but then apologized profusely and said he had been drinking. I don't want him to know that I care, but how should I act? Be mad, hurt, or sad? I like him and want to try it out but want to know how to get to him.
VictorM's advice:
Act the way you feel. If something is going to happen between you and him it should start with honesty.
We're on the same swim team
Submitted on Friday, October 30, 2009
By: Taylor
Age: 15
Location: orlando
Question: I have this guy friend that i'm super close to. we're on the same swim team and sometimes i think he thinks i'm a guy. i don't look like a guy or act like one. but he always talks about his date life and it annoys me. is he trying to make me jealous? how should i handle the situation? i'm a swimmer so my shoulders are a little broader than most girls but i still really want him to think i'm cute and im not big though. Help me!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
A guy talking about his date life openly only means that he’s trying to impress others. It’s part and parcel of being a teenage boy and the bragging that comes with it.
Female swimmers have awesome bodies, so I doubt he confuses you for a boy. Besides, the one-piece bathing suit covering you chest would be a dead giveaway.
I don’t think that there’s much you can do to making him stop talking about it. He probably will stop once he gets a little more maturity. Meanwhile, get used to annoying guys -- they'll be a part of your life until the day you die.
By: Taylor
Age: 15
Location: orlando
Question: I have this guy friend that i'm super close to. we're on the same swim team and sometimes i think he thinks i'm a guy. i don't look like a guy or act like one. but he always talks about his date life and it annoys me. is he trying to make me jealous? how should i handle the situation? i'm a swimmer so my shoulders are a little broader than most girls but i still really want him to think i'm cute and im not big though. Help me!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
A guy talking about his date life openly only means that he’s trying to impress others. It’s part and parcel of being a teenage boy and the bragging that comes with it.
Female swimmers have awesome bodies, so I doubt he confuses you for a boy. Besides, the one-piece bathing suit covering you chest would be a dead giveaway.
I don’t think that there’s much you can do to making him stop talking about it. He probably will stop once he gets a little more maturity. Meanwhile, get used to annoying guys -- they'll be a part of your life until the day you die.
Lost in Translation
Submitted on Friday, October 30, 2009
By: Curious
Age: 33
Location: Salt Lake City
Question: I received a letter from a friend who asked me out a few weeks ago. He titled his message 'dear abby' so I decided to write to you also because I feel like I'm in foreign territory. Here is my dilemma. I am definitely curious and interested in this man which is very obvious. We have been working together for 8 years. He is pretty damn amazing. I am struggling to find the right words to describe to him what I think of him. I would definitely like to get to know him beyond the workplace. I would also like to clear my head and settle A month ago I ended an 18 month relationship and am not particularly 'looking' for something serious just yet. I am hesitant to make a deliberate move. The mistake of rebounding is not in my interest. I am also a mother of a 7 year old and my son was very much involved in my last relationship. The weight of my parental instinct to protect my son from being hurt feels heavier than ever. I am not a woman to go searching for a father for my child but I now have a better understanding of what type of long term partner I am interested in. I am not sure how the dating game works with kids involved. I hear there is such a thing as casual dating but not sure what exactly that means?! When it comes to confusing matters of my heart I tend to be initially elusive. I have no clue how to express all of this to Lost in Translation and I don't even know if I should express all of this to him but I definitely don't want to confuse this guy and leave him hanging. See his letter below:
-Curious
I don't know what game he's playing with the Dear Abby letter, but make no mistake about it -- he's playing. Don't join him -- don't reply. If he has something to say to you, he should just man up and say it.
Casual dating is simple going on dates for the pure purpose of enjoying a night out with another human being. There are no commitments and no promises.
Your son need not be a problem in the dating process. You find a babysitter and you go out. Don't over-complicate it.
By: Curious
Age: 33
Location: Salt Lake City
Question: I received a letter from a friend who asked me out a few weeks ago. He titled his message 'dear abby' so I decided to write to you also because I feel like I'm in foreign territory. Here is my dilemma. I am definitely curious and interested in this man which is very obvious. We have been working together for 8 years. He is pretty damn amazing. I am struggling to find the right words to describe to him what I think of him. I would definitely like to get to know him beyond the workplace. I would also like to clear my head and settle A month ago I ended an 18 month relationship and am not particularly 'looking' for something serious just yet. I am hesitant to make a deliberate move. The mistake of rebounding is not in my interest. I am also a mother of a 7 year old and my son was very much involved in my last relationship. The weight of my parental instinct to protect my son from being hurt feels heavier than ever. I am not a woman to go searching for a father for my child but I now have a better understanding of what type of long term partner I am interested in. I am not sure how the dating game works with kids involved. I hear there is such a thing as casual dating but not sure what exactly that means?! When it comes to confusing matters of my heart I tend to be initially elusive. I have no clue how to express all of this to Lost in Translation and I don't even know if I should express all of this to him but I definitely don't want to confuse this guy and leave him hanging. See his letter below:
-Curious
Dear Abby-VictorM's advice:
I am travelling abroad without a guidebook in the Independent Republic of Melyssa and need some advice on local customs. If a guy asks a girl out and she says she needs time should he wait awhile and ask again to show interest, or should he cool his jets and wait for her to ask him. If he waits too long will she think he isn't interested? Are IRM women too shy to ask men out? Please advise!
Signed,
Lost in Translation
I don't know what game he's playing with the Dear Abby letter, but make no mistake about it -- he's playing. Don't join him -- don't reply. If he has something to say to you, he should just man up and say it.
Casual dating is simple going on dates for the pure purpose of enjoying a night out with another human being. There are no commitments and no promises.
Your son need not be a problem in the dating process. You find a babysitter and you go out. Don't over-complicate it.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
is it ok to not be perfect?
Submitted on Friday, October 30, 2009
By: alice
Age: 16
Location: england
Question: hello, recently I just turned sixteen and have never really thought about guys, but now i'm kinda worried about them more than i want to. I just wondered do guys always judge a girl on what they look like? and is it ok to not be perfect? thank u :)
VictorM's advice:
Girls who think they are perfect have more problems getting a boyfriend than you ever will.
By: alice
Age: 16
Location: england
Question: hello, recently I just turned sixteen and have never really thought about guys, but now i'm kinda worried about them more than i want to. I just wondered do guys always judge a girl on what they look like? and is it ok to not be perfect? thank u :)
VictorM's advice:
Girls who think they are perfect have more problems getting a boyfriend than you ever will.
I can't figure out the male mind
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: Confused
Age: 18
Location: Toronto
Question: When a guy refers to his friendship w/u as a relationship does it mean that he's into you?
And if he says stuff like 'I would severely regret if this ruined our relationship' after a fight...
Help! I can't figure out the male mind on this one.
VictorM's advice:
“Friendship” is a form of relationship.
By: Confused
Age: 18
Location: Toronto
Question: When a guy refers to his friendship w/u as a relationship does it mean that he's into you?
And if he says stuff like 'I would severely regret if this ruined our relationship' after a fight...
Help! I can't figure out the male mind on this one.
VictorM's advice:
“Friendship” is a form of relationship.
Confidential to Michelle
Your guy friend seems like a guy just goofing off and enjoying the attention of girls in general. He feels comfortable with you, likes to praise you, but it seems obvious to me that at this point he’s not looking for a serious girlfriend, and it seems safe to say that he doesn’t see you as a potential girlfriend anyway.
All his attention to you is based on him just being nice to you.
All his attention to you is based on him just being nice to you.
Mental gymnastics
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: gymnast attiude
Age: 14
Question: Hey victor what did you mean when you said "mental gymnast' because i am a gymnast and i just want to know if you were making fun of a gymnast. we work out hard mentally and physically so idk if you insulted a gymnast but here's a tip for you: offending or messing with a gymnast are the worst people you could ever mess it! thnkxxx
VictorM's advice:
The phrase “mental gymnastics” just means someone who uses their mind more extensively than most of us, much the same way that gymnasts use their bodies more extensively than most others. If anything, it's a compliment on gymnasts.
You really think that offending a gymnast is worse than offending a cheerleader? I would seriously doubt it. :)
By: gymnast attiude
Age: 14
Question: Hey victor what did you mean when you said "mental gymnast' because i am a gymnast and i just want to know if you were making fun of a gymnast. we work out hard mentally and physically so idk if you insulted a gymnast but here's a tip for you: offending or messing with a gymnast are the worst people you could ever mess it! thnkxxx
VictorM's advice:
The phrase “mental gymnastics” just means someone who uses their mind more extensively than most of us, much the same way that gymnasts use their bodies more extensively than most others. If anything, it's a compliment on gymnasts.
You really think that offending a gymnast is worse than offending a cheerleader? I would seriously doubt it. :)
Chicks before dicks right?
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: Lily
Location: USA
Question: So my best friend for three years is a guy, and my boyfriend of one year is jealous by how much we talk and hang out. He doesn't show it, he pretends he likes the guy. But my friend was out for a week and my bf was all 'all right, so your all mine' and I didn't talk to him for awhile. I seemed to overreact there but I mean, it's my best friend! Chicks before dicks right? ( well roughly speaking ;P)
Just today my bestie had just come back to school (I go to MTSU) and my bf was pissed off and started yelling at him when he hugged me. Cris (my bf) was saying he needs to keep his hands off his girl, and Aden (my bff) was saying that he needed to stop acting like he owned me and that he wasn't a badass because he played football. I just got frustrated and walked off.
How do I stop the jealousy and hatred between them?? I love them both, but, seriously?!?
Thanks in advance!! ;) ;D
VictorM's advice:
If your boyfriend isn’t a priority, you shouldn’t have a boyfriend. Too close of a relationship with a guy will always be a problem. Your boyfriend isn't wrong; you need to put more of a distance between yourself and your “bestie.”
By: Lily
Location: USA
Question: So my best friend for three years is a guy, and my boyfriend of one year is jealous by how much we talk and hang out. He doesn't show it, he pretends he likes the guy. But my friend was out for a week and my bf was all 'all right, so your all mine' and I didn't talk to him for awhile. I seemed to overreact there but I mean, it's my best friend! Chicks before dicks right? ( well roughly speaking ;P)
Just today my bestie had just come back to school (I go to MTSU) and my bf was pissed off and started yelling at him when he hugged me. Cris (my bf) was saying he needs to keep his hands off his girl, and Aden (my bff) was saying that he needed to stop acting like he owned me and that he wasn't a badass because he played football. I just got frustrated and walked off.
How do I stop the jealousy and hatred between them?? I love them both, but, seriously?!?
Thanks in advance!! ;) ;D
VictorM's advice:
If your boyfriend isn’t a priority, you shouldn’t have a boyfriend. Too close of a relationship with a guy will always be a problem. Your boyfriend isn't wrong; you need to put more of a distance between yourself and your “bestie.”
My new extreme crush
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: Kellan<33
Age: 13
Location: Twilight
Question: Victor
There is this guy (my new extreme crush). He is very smart hilarious cute athletic and popular. I really like him and he is in about 4 out of 8 classes of mine. We sit near each other in those classes and i think he likes me. But i don't know how to grab hold of his attention because when we talk it isn't long and i feel like he just ignores me sometimes. like he'll ask a question and l'll answer it for him then nothing, he just talks to someone else or does his work. i don't get it and i really need a new boyfriend. so i ask how would i keep a conversation going with him without making it awkward in any way? i feel like if i try to make conversation it will turn out awkward
thanks sooo much for the help!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Find out what topics he’s most passionate about and be prepared to ask him some questions about them. Guys love to talk about things they know a lot about and they love to impress girls. Praise him for his knowledge and before you know it, he’s going to ask you to marry you. ☺
By: Kellan<33
Age: 13
Location: Twilight
Question: Victor
There is this guy (my new extreme crush). He is very smart hilarious cute athletic and popular. I really like him and he is in about 4 out of 8 classes of mine. We sit near each other in those classes and i think he likes me. But i don't know how to grab hold of his attention because when we talk it isn't long and i feel like he just ignores me sometimes. like he'll ask a question and l'll answer it for him then nothing, he just talks to someone else or does his work. i don't get it and i really need a new boyfriend. so i ask how would i keep a conversation going with him without making it awkward in any way? i feel like if i try to make conversation it will turn out awkward
thanks sooo much for the help!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Find out what topics he’s most passionate about and be prepared to ask him some questions about them. Guys love to talk about things they know a lot about and they love to impress girls. Praise him for his knowledge and before you know it, he’s going to ask you to marry you. ☺
Should a girl ask a guy out?
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 32
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Please settle once and for all.. Should a girl ask a guy out?!
I have read and heard so much contradictory advice. Some that he will love you for it, that he will feel so appreciated and wanted. Some that it will set the wrong tone for the relationship. Some that he will have less respect for you. Some that he may just be shy, afraid of coming across creepy, or being rejected so if you dont ask him.. you will never know.
I am not so afraid of rejection. I will get over that. I'm afraid of ruining a great chance of love by turning him off when I could just wait to see if he will make a move if he's really interested. Obviously, if it's a stranger.. who cares you will never see the guy again, take a chance (and I have)... but what about a guy who you kinda know, that you might see again? Should I ask and what's the best approach to keep him turned on to me and still see me as desirable, not needy, but just interested in a date with him?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Asking a guy out, more often than not, will backfire. That’s because guys like a challenge and like to brag about the seduction phase. You asking him out will inflate his ego, but over time, he’ll take your for granted if he's not the one working for your attention.
So, how to move things along without actually asking the guy out? Set things up so that he’s the one asking you. For example: mention in casual conversation that you’d like to see movie X but hate to go alone and none of your friends want to go (make sure X is a move he’d be open to seeing). This invites him to say: “I’ll go with you.” Instead of movie X, it could be a sporting event or anything else that you know he has some interest in.
Bottom line is if he doesn’t take the bait, he’s not interested. But, if asking him out after this will ease your mind that you tried everything, ask him out. At this point, you have nothing to lose.
By: Rachel
Age: 32
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Please settle once and for all.. Should a girl ask a guy out?!
I have read and heard so much contradictory advice. Some that he will love you for it, that he will feel so appreciated and wanted. Some that it will set the wrong tone for the relationship. Some that he will have less respect for you. Some that he may just be shy, afraid of coming across creepy, or being rejected so if you dont ask him.. you will never know.
I am not so afraid of rejection. I will get over that. I'm afraid of ruining a great chance of love by turning him off when I could just wait to see if he will make a move if he's really interested. Obviously, if it's a stranger.. who cares you will never see the guy again, take a chance (and I have)... but what about a guy who you kinda know, that you might see again? Should I ask and what's the best approach to keep him turned on to me and still see me as desirable, not needy, but just interested in a date with him?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Asking a guy out, more often than not, will backfire. That’s because guys like a challenge and like to brag about the seduction phase. You asking him out will inflate his ego, but over time, he’ll take your for granted if he's not the one working for your attention.
So, how to move things along without actually asking the guy out? Set things up so that he’s the one asking you. For example: mention in casual conversation that you’d like to see movie X but hate to go alone and none of your friends want to go (make sure X is a move he’d be open to seeing). This invites him to say: “I’ll go with you.” Instead of movie X, it could be a sporting event or anything else that you know he has some interest in.
Bottom line is if he doesn’t take the bait, he’s not interested. But, if asking him out after this will ease your mind that you tried everything, ask him out. At this point, you have nothing to lose.
I'm confused about men
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: Betty
Age: 28
Question: Ok I'm confused about men. One of the men I work with I am always a bit rude and dismissive to. Yet he falls over himself to do things for me, has told anyone who would listen he thinks I'm wonderful (I don't date people I work with). And the guy I'm interested in started flirting with me and the minute I started to flirt back he lost interest. Why do guys act like this?
VictorM's advice:
There’s nothing confusing about men; we like a challenge.
By: Betty
Age: 28
Question: Ok I'm confused about men. One of the men I work with I am always a bit rude and dismissive to. Yet he falls over himself to do things for me, has told anyone who would listen he thinks I'm wonderful (I don't date people I work with). And the guy I'm interested in started flirting with me and the minute I started to flirt back he lost interest. Why do guys act like this?
VictorM's advice:
There’s nothing confusing about men; we like a challenge.
He is 22 and a car salesman
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: Aleena
Age: 19
Location: Vancouver, Washington
Question: So I'm pretty much dating this guys, he is 22 and a car salesman. We have been sleeping together on and off for about seven months but recently, has gotten really deep between us. He lives about a forty five minute drive away from me and my car was recently totaled so sometimes its hard for me to see him.
I know he still hangs out with this girl who is his age and can go out to clubs. I asked him about her, said they used to sleep together and that she likes him, but he loves me and wants me more than anything in the world. The problem is, he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He kisses me and acts like we are together and when introducing me to his friends, he calls me his "girl". I really do love him, we never fight and are always having a good time together, but i think it's just dragging on and I want to make it official.
I bring it up sometimes and he says things like "I don't want it to fail, it's got to be perfect" things like that, but things are perfect between us. Do you think he is still sleeping with that other girl and how can I let him know that I'm not gonna wait around much longer for it to be official?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he’s sleeping with her; all I know is that nothing good is coming from him hanging out with her. And while it’s natural for guys to want to take things slower, this much time and this much intimacy between you two without being official already means to me that things are not nearly as perfect as you think they are.
If you really mean it about not waiting much longer, you should start by acting with him the way a non-girlfriend does. If you’re not willing to do that, he’ll safely assume you’re just bluffing.
By: Aleena
Age: 19
Location: Vancouver, Washington
Question: So I'm pretty much dating this guys, he is 22 and a car salesman. We have been sleeping together on and off for about seven months but recently, has gotten really deep between us. He lives about a forty five minute drive away from me and my car was recently totaled so sometimes its hard for me to see him.
I know he still hangs out with this girl who is his age and can go out to clubs. I asked him about her, said they used to sleep together and that she likes him, but he loves me and wants me more than anything in the world. The problem is, he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He kisses me and acts like we are together and when introducing me to his friends, he calls me his "girl". I really do love him, we never fight and are always having a good time together, but i think it's just dragging on and I want to make it official.
I bring it up sometimes and he says things like "I don't want it to fail, it's got to be perfect" things like that, but things are perfect between us. Do you think he is still sleeping with that other girl and how can I let him know that I'm not gonna wait around much longer for it to be official?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he’s sleeping with her; all I know is that nothing good is coming from him hanging out with her. And while it’s natural for guys to want to take things slower, this much time and this much intimacy between you two without being official already means to me that things are not nearly as perfect as you think they are.
If you really mean it about not waiting much longer, you should start by acting with him the way a non-girlfriend does. If you’re not willing to do that, he’ll safely assume you’re just bluffing.
Like a soldier wounded in battle
Submitted on Thursday, October 29, 2009
By: Alyssa
Age: 26
Location: NJ
Question: Hi again! I love this forum, by the way, so thank you! So I sent in the novel known as "I'm pretty newly single". Sorry for posting a new thread, but my follow up question to that one was never addressed so I fgured maybe this is a better way to reach you since I most definitely want a response to this particular issue for sure! Haha. Thanks :)
So things have continued on rather nicely with myself and Nick. We continue text a bit every day (just silly bantering stuff) and see each other once or twice a week. Once was even just to watch a movie, as he was sick and just wanted company and nothing else happened. However, his birthday was this past weekend and he ended up getting sick that night from drinking too much. When we all got back to his house, he ended up laying his head on my lap for nearly two hours as we just talked and everyone else played drinking games. He texted me the next day saying "Thanks for being so sweet last night. You stuck by me like a soldier wounded in battle"
Later that weekend, on his actual b-day, he wigged out about a slide show his g/f's mom sent him of him and her and just kind of vented to me about it saying that he felt bad and everything and that his head was a mess. He said that he wanted to see me that night but didn't feel sure because I had been really sweet to him the other night and it felt like I was his girlfriend. I tried to relax him by saying he's my friend, I care about him, he was sick, and not to stress about anything meaning anything beyond that.
A few days later, I gave him a silly card and 2 very small gifts for his birhtday (a chapstik and a cupcake). We watched a movie, slept together, and went to bed. The next night, on facebook chat, we were in the middle of a playful joking conversation and he suddenly goes "don't go falling in love with me". This is about the 5th or 6th time he has said this exact same thing to me and it is always at random times. I asked why he would even think to say that and he said that he didn't want me to turn against him and essentially sabotage things if his g/f ended back stateside any time soon or ever. I told him I am anti-drama, he's my friend and I would never be that malicious because it is just not in my nature, and that I'm not a bad person and that if he doesn't get that by now I have nothing more to say. He said he knows all that and that of course I'm not an ass, that I'm "sweet, sometimes too sweet" and that "well you're like my friend and sex buddy but sometimes you do girlfriendy things". I told him to just please stop worrying and that I am sweet to him because that is always just how I am.
My roommate is under the impression that he keeps making the g/f allusions and telling me not to fall in love with him because HE is feeling more than he expected and projecting it onto me. I have no idea if that's true. If it is, what can do about it to maintain the status quo. I care about him and enjoy the time we spend together inside and outside of the bedroom, lol, but beyond that...well...I haven't even really thought about it simply because that type of emotion is something I was seeking to, and have been, avoiding in our "relationship." Any thoughts on this?
VictorM's advice:
It’ not projection he’s… projecting; it’s a clear message that you’re only “friends with benefits” material, not girlfriend material. The comment about you being “sometimes too sweet” is a dead giveaway. Think of his remark about you falling in love with him as a stiff arm keeping you at a distance.
By: Alyssa
Age: 26
Location: NJ
Question: Hi again! I love this forum, by the way, so thank you! So I sent in the novel known as "I'm pretty newly single". Sorry for posting a new thread, but my follow up question to that one was never addressed so I fgured maybe this is a better way to reach you since I most definitely want a response to this particular issue for sure! Haha. Thanks :)
So things have continued on rather nicely with myself and Nick. We continue text a bit every day (just silly bantering stuff) and see each other once or twice a week. Once was even just to watch a movie, as he was sick and just wanted company and nothing else happened. However, his birthday was this past weekend and he ended up getting sick that night from drinking too much. When we all got back to his house, he ended up laying his head on my lap for nearly two hours as we just talked and everyone else played drinking games. He texted me the next day saying "Thanks for being so sweet last night. You stuck by me like a soldier wounded in battle"
Later that weekend, on his actual b-day, he wigged out about a slide show his g/f's mom sent him of him and her and just kind of vented to me about it saying that he felt bad and everything and that his head was a mess. He said that he wanted to see me that night but didn't feel sure because I had been really sweet to him the other night and it felt like I was his girlfriend. I tried to relax him by saying he's my friend, I care about him, he was sick, and not to stress about anything meaning anything beyond that.
A few days later, I gave him a silly card and 2 very small gifts for his birhtday (a chapstik and a cupcake). We watched a movie, slept together, and went to bed. The next night, on facebook chat, we were in the middle of a playful joking conversation and he suddenly goes "don't go falling in love with me". This is about the 5th or 6th time he has said this exact same thing to me and it is always at random times. I asked why he would even think to say that and he said that he didn't want me to turn against him and essentially sabotage things if his g/f ended back stateside any time soon or ever. I told him I am anti-drama, he's my friend and I would never be that malicious because it is just not in my nature, and that I'm not a bad person and that if he doesn't get that by now I have nothing more to say. He said he knows all that and that of course I'm not an ass, that I'm "sweet, sometimes too sweet" and that "well you're like my friend and sex buddy but sometimes you do girlfriendy things". I told him to just please stop worrying and that I am sweet to him because that is always just how I am.
My roommate is under the impression that he keeps making the g/f allusions and telling me not to fall in love with him because HE is feeling more than he expected and projecting it onto me. I have no idea if that's true. If it is, what can do about it to maintain the status quo. I care about him and enjoy the time we spend together inside and outside of the bedroom, lol, but beyond that...well...I haven't even really thought about it simply because that type of emotion is something I was seeking to, and have been, avoiding in our "relationship." Any thoughts on this?
VictorM's advice:
It’ not projection he’s… projecting; it’s a clear message that you’re only “friends with benefits” material, not girlfriend material. The comment about you being “sometimes too sweet” is a dead giveaway. Think of his remark about you falling in love with him as a stiff arm keeping you at a distance.
Confidential to Andrea, in Canada
Once a girl gets stuck in a guy’s mind, it could be just as hard to let go as when a girl is tuck on a guy. The difference is guys don’t go crazy about it.
It’s entirely possible -- likely, even -- that he still harbors some interest in you and thinks fondly of you, hence the phone call. But since he’s only coming for a visit, not to stay, he’s not going to say anything that he might regret. It sounds totally plausible that he’d like to see you, but without making any promises to you.
It’s entirely possible -- likely, even -- that he still harbors some interest in you and thinks fondly of you, hence the phone call. But since he’s only coming for a visit, not to stay, he’s not going to say anything that he might regret. It sounds totally plausible that he’d like to see you, but without making any promises to you.
There's this guy my friend wanted to set me up with
Submitted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009
By: Ray
Age: 19
Question: There's this guy my friend wanted to set me up with. I've known him for a while and he's a nice guy. He apparently asked her to bring me around more (part of why she wanted to), but then every time she did he would suddenly have to go somewhere or be absorbed in something else. Obviously nothing's happening, but why in the world would he ask to bring me around like he's interested in me if he's just going to blow me off then tell my friend that he's not interested so suddenly? Right when my friend first started go get us talking, we seemed to have alot of similar interests and everything seemed pretty great and he even gave my friend good feedback about me, and then started this stuff right after that.
VictorM's advice:
Things change. As he got to know you a bit more, for whatever reason, he lost interest. I could give you a lot of metaphors: not all that shines is gold, the grass is always greener on the other side, you want what you can’t get, etc, etc.
By: Ray
Age: 19
Question: There's this guy my friend wanted to set me up with. I've known him for a while and he's a nice guy. He apparently asked her to bring me around more (part of why she wanted to), but then every time she did he would suddenly have to go somewhere or be absorbed in something else. Obviously nothing's happening, but why in the world would he ask to bring me around like he's interested in me if he's just going to blow me off then tell my friend that he's not interested so suddenly? Right when my friend first started go get us talking, we seemed to have alot of similar interests and everything seemed pretty great and he even gave my friend good feedback about me, and then started this stuff right after that.
VictorM's advice:
Things change. As he got to know you a bit more, for whatever reason, he lost interest. I could give you a lot of metaphors: not all that shines is gold, the grass is always greener on the other side, you want what you can’t get, etc, etc.
My son's father and I are broken up
Submitted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009
By: Shelle
Age: 22
Location: Detroit, MI
Question: My son's father and I are broken up. I try to be kind but he just seems to push me away more. He comes to see the baby, but He always says he doesn't feel comfortable in my house anymore because If he get's disrespectful I'll ask him to leave, if he doesn't I'll tell him to get out. He recently bought a new house and won't tell me where he lives because he says the baby doesn't live with him. I told him if the baby is going to be spending time there I should know where he lives. I asked is it because he's fixing it up he said yes. I he sends me through many issues. Some family members tell me it's because is still interested, but knows that I don't want to be with him anymore. Others say it's because i've put on weight. I don't want to be with him anymore because I feel like he doesn't value our relationship. Once a woman called the house telling me not to call him anymore because he has a girlfriend. When I was pregnant a number kept calling his cell phone and when I called it back he wouldn't say anything he just kept whispering hang up. I called the girl and asked why she was calling him so much and was very respectful she called back and told me I was nothing and and their friends and she came before me. He told me he wouldn't communicate with her anymore but he still does. this doesn't even make the cake. Why does he act this way?
VictorM's advice:
You don’t want him, and that may be enough for him to feel slighted, even if in the end he wouldn’t want to be with you either. A man’s ego is far bigger than his penis, his heart, or his brain.
Maybe he bought a house, maybe he didn’t. In either case, if he’s going to have any custody rights, you should make sure that it’s done legally, and his address should clearly be stated. You have a right to know where your child is, but don’t hassle about it with him. Let the lawyer do the talking.
By: Shelle
Age: 22
Location: Detroit, MI
Question: My son's father and I are broken up. I try to be kind but he just seems to push me away more. He comes to see the baby, but He always says he doesn't feel comfortable in my house anymore because If he get's disrespectful I'll ask him to leave, if he doesn't I'll tell him to get out. He recently bought a new house and won't tell me where he lives because he says the baby doesn't live with him. I told him if the baby is going to be spending time there I should know where he lives. I asked is it because he's fixing it up he said yes. I he sends me through many issues. Some family members tell me it's because is still interested, but knows that I don't want to be with him anymore. Others say it's because i've put on weight. I don't want to be with him anymore because I feel like he doesn't value our relationship. Once a woman called the house telling me not to call him anymore because he has a girlfriend. When I was pregnant a number kept calling his cell phone and when I called it back he wouldn't say anything he just kept whispering hang up. I called the girl and asked why she was calling him so much and was very respectful she called back and told me I was nothing and and their friends and she came before me. He told me he wouldn't communicate with her anymore but he still does. this doesn't even make the cake. Why does he act this way?
VictorM's advice:
You don’t want him, and that may be enough for him to feel slighted, even if in the end he wouldn’t want to be with you either. A man’s ego is far bigger than his penis, his heart, or his brain.
Maybe he bought a house, maybe he didn’t. In either case, if he’s going to have any custody rights, you should make sure that it’s done legally, and his address should clearly be stated. You have a right to know where your child is, but don’t hassle about it with him. Let the lawyer do the talking.
