I'm traveling and because of it, I closed the submit form until November 4.

I have on file a bunch of questions that have been submitted recently. I will answer them as soon as I can.

Thanks for your patience.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 19
Location: New York
Question: How can I know if a guy is simply frustrated or he was just using me to have a good time?

I've been flirting with this guy and we were usually perverts on MSN, talking about what we wanted to do with each other and stuff. Some days ago I told him I wanted him (us?) to take it easier because of my ex boyfriend (we are on a break at the moment), since it felt like I was cheating on him and it wasn't making me feel good. After that he just became a boring person, barely talked to me properly and when I asked him what was wrong with us he said "well you wanted us to talk normally". This really made me confused, I came to two conclusions: either he's frustrated because he liked me and I asked him to take it easier or he was just using me and now that he can't have as much fun as he had with me before and doesn't wanna talk to me anymore...

It'd be of much help if you could answer. Thanks :).

VictorM's advice:

Your first conclusion is one that only a female has the dexterity to perform such mental gymnastics. I say, mortgage your future, sell your soul to the devil, borrow from everyone you know, round up your very last penny and bet on conclusion number two -- it is the winner!

Submitted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009
By: Marietta
Age: 37
Location: Portland
Question: So, Have guy friend for 15 years; just friends (both married, both have kids) Have noticed he is totally hot, and we have had 2 very very hot (no sex) make out sessions (months apart) yikes! Not sure if we should talk about stuff or just keep status quo?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know either.

The one thing I know is I wouldn't want to be in either of your shoes; nothing good is going to come of this. Nothing.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009
By: Synthia
Age: 22 years
Location: Mumbai
Question: I met this shy guy in my college through a common friend and then became friends, he started calling me, flirting with me, even saying i love you in a foreign language which i said, i didn't understood. he shifted his place to make me cheat in one paper. my friends also thought that it was something more than friends, but when they confronted him, he said that he has a girlfriend for past few years, he told many things which seems to be false to me as well as others in the group, including the photograph which was cropped. then i told him that i have said yes to a proposal, and he didn't talked to me for the whole day until i called him in the night. he even asked me to leave this guy. now, he is like any other friend in the college and sometimes even don't talk to me but on calls he is really nice, telling everything, calling for no good reason, calling in the night, morning. He does not talks about his girlfriend to anyone except me and shows overflow of emotions for her.He even said one day after he confessed about his girlfriend that he is not having a girlfriend when we were alone, but i said i don't believe him on that, and laughed when i called his so called relationship a story.he does not tells anyone about our calls and messages. it is like having two relations with a single person which i can not handle anymore, and i am really not able to understand his feelings. what is he trying to do? Does he really has a girlfriend or he is just trying to test my feelings?

VictorM's advice:

I have no idea if he has a girlfriend or not, but if he likes you with intentions of getting serious about you, he sure has a funny way of showing it.

My guess is that he was smitten by you, enjoys the flirting, enjoys the attention he gets from you, but doesn't see you as a serious possibility.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009
By: Dayna
Age: 19
Location: Chicago
Question: It's really hard for me to tell if he's just shy, doesn't like texting if he doesn't have to, or if he is still intimidated by me, or maybe just not into me!

He doesn't text me a whole lot. But if I text him, he will always respond.

If I ask him to get together, or hang out.. He will say yeah (about 90% of the time).

If I go a long while (a few weeks maybe) without asking him to hang out, he will cave in and eventually ask me to get together.

When we are actually together and hanging out, he will always bring up things like "we should go see this movie"... or "we should grab breakfast tomorrow, I will hit you up"... stuff along those lines. But he doesn't really follow through with them. Unless I bring them up.

What's up with that? Are some guys just 'like this'?

Back when we first met, towards last winter, he admitted he was intimidated by me because he thought I was really pretty. But I mean come on now, we've known each other for a long time now. And know each other really well. I doubt he is still intimidated.

Is he just not that into me, or what?

VictorM's advice:

Shyness has nothing to do with it, neither does intimidation. Basically, he likes you and likes your company; he's just not that motivated by you yet.

Guys are like this because we see a relationship as loss of freedom, and he's simply not ready to trade his freedom for you. Not at this point anyway. That could change as guys develop feelings at a much slower pace than girls do.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009
By: Malin
Age: 30
Location: Copenhagen
Question: I am doing my PhD. I went to a one week workshop in June 2008 in Prague. At the workshop, I met a very cute guy from Slovak, who is doing his Phd in Slovak.

A few words about me, pretty, smart, not too talkative, not very shy, good taste, from an educated family.

A few words about him, smart (asked many good and sharp questions at the conference, good reaction at conversations), nice (nice to me, nice to everyone, even be patient to an boring old man from Isarel), good-looking (very shiny smile) but do not feel too good about himself, confident, frank and polite. etc.. I am usually a very picky person, can see people's flaw immediately. But I can not see any obvious flaw from him.

Now comes to our interaction. Met him at breakfast in our hotel, good first impression. Sat next to each other during whole week workshop, had lunch together everyday. We enjoyed our conversation very much. We did not have evening activity together, because I was always eager to look around in Prague, but he has been prague too many times. Sightseeing in Prague was not interesting for him.

He was leaving on Friday after the workshop. On Thursday,he suggested to go out on Friday and have beer. I was shy and did not acknowledge clearly. Anyway, the next day, after the workshop, we went out and had beer. We took a picture together. BTW, at that moment, his brother got a baby. We cheered for that. Then he left. I was telling myself, what a nice guy.

When I came back to Denmark, I sent him the picture, also said it was nice meeting him. He has very good personality. He replied, he said the workshop would be really boring if he did not meet me there. He also sent several pictures of his nephew.

I thought, that is it. Usually we go to conferences, meet people, intended to keep in touch, but it will reduce gradually.I spent the whole summer with my parent, travelling in Europe.

He appeared in my mind, now and then. I did miss him. But I did not contact him. The only thing I did is to go to him homepage, looked at his picture. I like him, but I know nothing will happen in reality. We are from different country. I am not willing to move, etc. Also, I do not know if he likes me.

In September. I got a long email from him. It was a big superise. He make a powerpoint file, describing what he did in the summer, hiking, party, etc. He wonders how I am doing.

I was so happy. I replied, told him how was the trip in the summer, and showed him some of my travel pictures. Afterwards, we had emails back and forth everyday. No flirt, but I really enjoyed talking to him. I have been wondering whether or not he likes me. That is only thing I need. I do not care if we can develop anything in real. If I know he likes me, I am happy. I do not know the reason he wants to contact me is because he likes me, or because he saw that I visited his homepage everyday, which tells him my feeling.

The contact was interrupted when I had a conference trip in November 2008 in Sydney. When I was in Sydney, I so looked forward to see his email, but I did not receive any.

I thought that was the ending. On new year's eve 2009, I got a new year greeting from him. We reconnected again. In the spring, he finished his PhD and found a job in industry. I am close to finish. We shared many thoughts about future career, etc.

In April, our email contact somehow stoped again. In June, exactly one year since we met each other, he sent me an email again, showed several of nephew's picture. He said, for some people, it is just one year, but for this little boy, it is his life. I replied, shortly.

Afterwards, I finished my study but I forget to inform him my new email. Our contact stops again.

I have found him on facebook, but I am too shy to add him/too shy to show that I am interested in him.

Again, I do not want to develop anything with him. I just want you to help me analyze what he thinks? Does he like me? What is the motivation to keep contact with me for one year?

Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

I don't see much evidence that he likes you the way you'd like him to like you. All signs point to him regarding you as someone with whom he shared a pleasant experience, and the subsequent contacts are a way of reliving that experience. There is no flirting, no steady contacts, lots of family-type topics, such as the nephew pictures, updates on school and profession, etc.

BUT... if he had been the one to write to me giving me similar examples, and asked me if I thought you like him, I would answer as I did above, that you do not, and I'd be wrong.

So unless either one of you is willing to push the conversation and get it past the all-family, all-business language, neither I nor either of you will know what the other one is really thinking.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 27, 2009
By: Jess Walker
Age: 16
Location: Nottingham
Question: My boyfriends is 19 and moved to Birmingham Uni in September, he and I have been together for a long time and I trust him with my whole heart not to cheat. Yet, recently he's been snapping at me and we were meant to see each other this weekend and now he has too much work, he is also constantly ignoring me, I'll text him at 1am and 1 in the afternoon and get a response at 11pm saying "I love you, and I hope you are okay" when I am obviously not. I'll respond not indicating I'm upset as this will only cause a row and then he eventually responds. I reply and it's 4am in the morning and he's still not responded he is ignoring me again. This is not the guy I fell in love with, why is he acting like this? He's slowly breaking my heart as he blows hot and cold with me.

VictorM's advice:

I have no idea why he's acting that way, and there's a good chance he's losing interest in you, but of course, I can't say that for sure. We do know that students get busy and need to sleep sometimes. So these contacts at 1 am and 4 am that you talk about are: 1) selfish on your part, and 2) only makes sense that he wouldn't respond right away.

Maybe he's breaking your heart, but let's face it, your heart is too fragile for the realities of your love life with him away from you.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 27, 2009
By: starz
Age: 15
Location: california
Question: Was he using me?
So i was going out with this guy for about 4 months. He was a really great guy. i had a lot of fun when i was with him. we had a lot in common everyone would say we were the perfect couple. But he has a past of being a "player." That was from before i knew him, people kinda of tried to warn me of him but he seemed so serious and he honestly changed. he was different. everyone would say that he had changed ever since he started going out with me and that he actually cared about me a lot. he even told me that he loved me but even though he would say it on occasions i would try not take it in too much because i didn't know if he was actually being serious or not you never know with guys.

well he broke up with me and said it was because we haven't really been talking as much as we use to. because we don't go to the same school or anything, but i would still seem him almost everyday. so he said why don't we try to just be friends threw txt msg. i was like can you call me? he was like i cant i'm kinda busy right now. so i was like ok that sounds good to me, i wasn't going to beg him to be with me if he didn't even have the guts to even call me.

-So he would txt me i would ignore his messages then he would call i would ignore his calls also. until a week after we ran into each other and he talked to me and we talked for a long time. so then later that night he txtd me that he missed me. but i didn't really belive him because he didn't really put much effort to get back with me. so then he would start to txt me everyday i would actually answer his txts and his phone calls. but at the same time my friends and cousins would tell me that he was talking to other girl on the computer, and they weren't even girls he knew it was just random. later on he would start to txt me and say that he wanted to do stuff, but i'm not that kind of girl that does stuff like that with a guy that's not my boyfriend or anything. so later on i started to ignore his txt messages since he was talking to other random girls which i think is really of his past. and he would stop bothering me for awhile but he finally left me alone, but i know i'm going to run into him soon... what should i do??? should i keep ignoring him or what?

VictorM's advice:

Yes, keep ignoring him.

Look, once a guy tells you "let's just be friends," it means he's over you. You are right that the whole thing about missing you was just an act. He had no interest in calling you but wanted to keep texting because he wanted to leave open the possibility of just hooking up with you from time to time. Once you said no, he lost interest. Give him the slightest opportunity and he'll try again to hook up with you.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 27, 2009
By: Vinny
Age: 14
Location: Dibby
Question: Hi Victor
Ok so this guy, he's my best friend and I would never ever go anywhere that friend line with him. But he would like to go pass that line. See, he likes me and he knows I know and he doesn't care who knows. In the beginning of school he would call me cutie or sexy or hey pretty, stuff that. And we would hug at the end of the day and stuff. It was nice because he respected that line but that didn't last. Usually when he would get mad at me he would forgive me the next day (and besides, i can kick his ass). anyway, he got real mad at me recently. he started calling me b**ch and stuff and i would ask him if he still mad at me and he would say yes. i would never admit this but i miss him and i don't know what to do. I mean like he doesn't actually mean it dead seriously when he calls me b**ch or anything but it kinda hurts because i want my friend back. What should I do because i've apologized before. but he may forgive me because i haven't seen him in a week. So i ask, What should I do??? Thnkx!!!!!!!;)

VictorM's advice:

Apologies are not effective when a guy gets mad like that (I'm assuming that whatever caused him to be mad was something that bruised his ego). When this happens, what the guy needs to do to get over it is to feel he has hurt your feelings, the way you hurt his.

So, what to do? Next time he calls you a bitch or says something else offensive, tell him he's hurt your feelings and cry (fake cry if you have to). Not only will he stop being a jerk, but he'll feel guilty he made you sad.

So... look in the mirror and practice crying. :)

Submitted on Tuesday, October 27, 2009
By: Marie
Age: 25
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, it's been a while, but I've got an issue with an ex who calls me and tells me I'm awesome and that I'm amazing, but then goes on to dredge up stuff that came up before we broke up. Then he gets into something that happened with a mutual friend, if you remember, the guy who I met up with and ended up doing it with. What's his deal? Is he jealous and lonely? Not like I want him back, just curious.

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he's torn between liking you and being very angry at you. So he calls you with good intentions, but can't contain his anger.

Once a guy has had his ego bruised, it's hard to be healed until the guy can cause pain to the source of his hurt. Chances are that he won't stop until he feels he's hurt you more than you hurt him. Bear in mind that he's not doing this on purpose; he's being motivated by a subconscious force.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 27, 2009
By: sarah h.
Age: 15
Location: d.c.
Question: I like this guy. He talks to me in school and we text (usually started by me, sometimes him). He's really flirty, and we have a lot of inside jokes, and all my friends thinks he likes me. He acts nice, and we have a class together, and he talks to me in it, but he has friends in right beside where we sit, so sometimes he talks to them and kind of ignores me. I talk to them too but i'm not really in on their conversations. Then once when i was taking warmups from one ( i missed a few) i found out they talked about me in their notes, just saying i'm hot, etc. Do you think he likes me?

This is the third question i've asked, so thanks so much for answering them!

VictorM's advice:

You're welcome.

Yes, he likes you, but around your age, it's hard to pin a guy down. They are easily motivated by looks, are very fickle, and can in fact like a lot of girls at once.

So while, it's safe to say that he likes you, it's impossible to say if he's happy just flirting with you or if he would like to get serious. He finds you hot, and that's enough for the attention you're getting from him to continue.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 27, 2009
By: Amy
Age: 18
Location: Nowhere, OK
Question: I always go for losers who I try to fix and I know I do that. I work hard, go to college and have had a tough life that I've learned to deal with, and my best guy friend understands a lot of that. We met at a paintball game and we instantly noticed each other... we started talking on facebook almost everyday for hours. Then we started talking on the phone all night. We've hung out a lot and been with each other through some tough shit. One big problem is that every time that one of us gets into a relationship we stop talking. And I'll randomly be thinking about him and he'll call or something. About a month ago he kissed me... we ended up spending a great night together just cuddling and talking and kissing.... he made my head spin in a really good way. He's hinted to my brother he's interested in another long-term relationship and he went on to say that I'm so incredibly amazing... we talked since that night and he calls me beautiful... but I am scared to death of real relationships. Sooo I got into a casual relationship with someone who has no car, job money for condoms, is into drugs, no college, and is divorced... what's my problem?! Or maybe the better question is what isn't my problem?!

VictorM's advice:

If you want to change who you get attracted to, you have to change yourself.

There's something about you, based on your personal experiences, that feels you have failed at "fixing" an authority figure (most likely your father, but it could be someone else) and you keep looking for losers to fix them as a way to redeem yourself for your perceived previous failure.

Your choices in men reflect both the guilt of not being able to fix someone in your childhood and the belief that you don't deserve to be happy as a result of that failure. This explains your attraction to losers (seeking redemption) and the rejection of good guys (a form of punishment because you're not "worthy" of happiness).

It's a pity, because whatever happened in your childhood, you were a victim of it, not the cause. Making you see that is easier said than done, but totally possible.

Your situation is fairly common and one that can be helped by seeing a professional therapist. You should go see one if you can afford it.

Submitted on Monday, October 26, 2009
By: ashley
Age: 33
Location: north carolina
Question: I told the guy I've been dating for 3 months, I miss him. His response was that's funny, I was just thinking about you. How should I take that?

VictorM's advice:

Translated from guy talk to girl talk, it means he misses you too.

It's a good thing.

Submitted on Monday, October 26, 2009
By: Lena
Age: 26
Location: New York
Question: I met this guy Ben in grad school last year. At the time, I was engaged and never really talked to Ben until last spring. I was in the midst of some major relationship drama which as taken me months to work through and during that time, I started becoming friends with Ben, hanging out with mutual friends and a very casual flirtation, though nothing happened.

We lost contact when things really started going south in my relationship, and I have since been finally able to end my engagement and am single for the first time in 4 years. I recently met up with Ben again, who has also been going through some major life changes - he stopped drinking and doing drugs several months ago and has been working hard to make himself a better person. We've been hanging out a lot lately, and having very intense, emotional conversations about our respective struggles over the past few months.

I invited him into a tight knit circle of friends that meets regularly for food and good conversation because I thought he would share some of the same interests and I knew he was working hard to find new ways to interact with people without substances. This spurred us to see more of each other, and he has been asking me to hang out several times a week, and emailing and texting me on other days just asking me how my day is and stuff like that.

He knows I just went through a very painful breakup and we hung out the other night for probably the fourth or fifth time in a matter of a few weeks. He walked me home, and I went to give him a hug, as has become customary in our short period of renewing acquaintances. Instead, he went in for the kiss, and I was caught a bit off guard and turned me head away. This was a bit awkward obviously, and he later texted me and apologized. I did the same, and said that we should have a "do over" some time soon.

He agreed and we saw each other briefly and have texted a bit, but he definitely has cooled off and stopped initiating any of the contact, and only replies to me, doesn't really ask any questions. My question is, have I completely blown it with this new person, or should I continue to basically become the pursuer in order to help him recover his diminished ego and make sure he knows I am interested?

Thanks so much for any insight or help you can provide.

VictorM's advice:

It's likely that he's interpreting your initial reaction to turn away from the kiss as a reflection of your true feelings towards him, and your offer of a "do over" as some form of pity reaction.

All is not lost if he's still talking to you, but your best bet going forward is to not bring up that night again, do not mention any "do overs", give him some time to get over his ego boo-boo, and continue your relationship as you were. If there is an attempt at "kiss, take two," let it happen naturally.

If you don't give up, it's possible that he'll see it as an opportunity to finish what he started and seduce you to the point of getting from you a kiss that you actually mean.

Submitted on Monday, October 26, 2009
By: Caroline
Age: 22
Location: USA
Question: Well, I had a boyfriend but he was way TOO lovely so I decided to take a break because I thought he wasn't being himself & I told him that & he was ok with it. During the time we were having a break this super cute guy came & we started flirting (online only, I don't meet him that often). & I don't know, my ex started catching my attention again & I was split between both of them. I know that I would pick my ex over the other guy, but I feel a bit weird when I have this crush on this other guy.

I just can't understand him, we are friends above all & when I told him I was thinking of going back to my ex he acted really weird, a bit rude & been acting like that ever since.

I just don't know what to do, I want to be with my ex, but I keep thinking of this other guy. But I don't want because he's such a party boy & I have a feeling he was just using me as a flirt & not flirting because he really liked me, but I have to admit that his reacton was pretty weird.

What should I do? I wanna forget him, but I don't know how, please I really need your help!
Thanks in advance.

VictorM's advice:

If you don't know what to do, it only means that you should do nothing. Make a decision when you're convinced of it.

As for pretty boy's weird reaction, if you think that is a reflection of interest in you, you're misreading him. He's simply reacting to a blow to his ego. How dare you prefer another guy?

Submitted on Monday, October 26, 2009
By: Jenna
Age: 29
Location: Tennessee
Question: I met a guy about five months ago who I dated for about a month. Long Distance. Things were going great. Then, he got distant and since I was going back home (I live two hours away by plane) and we knew each other for very little time we decided to remain friends and see where it goes. He told me that he never wanted to lose touch and we made a promise to each other that we'd always remain in contact with each other. (That came from him by the way, not me.) To my surprise, he still contacts me from time to time but not as often as I'd like. And sometimes even, when he would write or text me I would respond and then he would not respond to me 'til days or even weeks later or instead of responding he would send me a text or an e-mail. Also, there were times he would call me and would leave me a message and when I would return his call and leave him a message he would not call me back until 2 or 3 wks later.I feel he has made very little effort on his part. My friends tell me that if he really liked me he would have come to visit me a long time ago.We havent seen each other since. five months ago. They have a point but I do remember very well that he was starting his own business and was stressed about money. (I might be in denial and may be trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since I like him so much) Anyway, he has in a way kept his word by contacting me still. We texted each other about 2 weeks ago and his last words to me were to have a good weekend and to stay in touch. And since, I was in his town on a business trip there is a likely chance that I may or may not go back to his town but the when is uncertain. Could be never, could be months or could be years. If Ever. And he knows that. So, my question boils down to..is it even worth keeping in touch with this guy? Does he even like me? Why does he still keep in touch? Its not like Im constantly calling him or trying to reach him. He pursues me and I just respond. How do I ask him what he wants and should I even ask him that. Up until now, everything has been nonchalant. I can't seem to let go even though I tell myself to. I need a male's perspective on this..

VictorM's advice:

He has no interest in you, friendly or otherwise. His infrequent contact only happens because he wants to live with his conscience -- he promised to stay in touch and so he must; it's not because he has the slightest interest in you.

You are in denial. Making excuses for the guy is a common form of denial. And in this case, you're ignoring the blatantly obvious.

Do yourself, and this guy, a favor -- cease the wasteful calls and emails.

Submitted on Monday, October 26, 2009
By: Emily
Age: 31
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: I've been dating a guy for a month and a half, and started having sex 2 weeks ago. At first he was coming on very strong, putting in effort to see me and communicating everyday. Lately it feels like he's gotten a bit too 'comfortable'. He's still calling everyday, and still wants to see me, but at the same time, I notice he's not putting in as much effort to impressing me and in fact seems a bit depressed about his life/job in general and also says things like how unlucky he is and how the things he did would never live up to my expectations. Not sure where this sudden negativity is coming from. What gives? Is he emotionally unavailable?

VictorM's advice:

I'm sure that when you meet someone new you're in your best behavior, putting your best foot forward. You try to be positive, show good manners, and all that stuff we are taught to do as we grow up. Well, it's the same thing in a relationship. Best foot forward first, wear clean clothes, make sure they are pressed and neat, etc. etc. then, as we get to know people better, we tend to relax. Then our true selves start emerging.

If you expect him to stay the same going forward as he was during the early days you're misleading yourself; if you ignore the kind of person he's revealing himself to be, you're not doing yourself a favor. Dating is the process of learning more deeply about the other person and determining if what they have to offer enhances our lives.

You're luckier than most -- you're finding out his real self, getting past his best foot forward, rather early. The early guy was a mirage, a product of societal manners; with each passing day you get closer to his true self.

It's what you do with that information that matters now.

Submitted on Monday, October 26, 2009
By: marie
Age: 21
Location: wisconsin
Question: When a guy says he doesn't want a commitment because he's too young to be thinking about that and he needs time to have fun and grow up. (he is the same age as me by the way) Another issue is he's in the air force and stationed in Florida so there is a distance thing. He says he sees me as a really good friend and he trusts me. I think part of the reason is that he's never been in a relationship before and he's also very shy. What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

"he doesn't want a commitment because he's too young" -- that's just male code word for not being interested in you romantically. Shyness and distance have nothing to do with it.

He's just trying not to hurt your feelings by omitting the "with you" words from the sentence, but this is what he means: "he doesn't want a commitment WITH YOU."

Submitted on Monday, October 26, 2009
By: Andria
Age: 30's
Location: Florida
Question: I am in my 30’s and have a 11 yr old son, I live with the love of my life (my boyfriend) for several years and he’s help raise my son as his own. He’s an amazing person, and everyone tells me what a great man I have. He’s been there for my family and friends. He’s not perfect and has many little flaws all of which are small stuff. The two major things that get my blood boiling are his failure to propose (after 10 yrs of free milk, why buy the cow right?), even though he asked my parents for my hand a few years ago, his lack of consideration when it comes down to helping out around the house (doesn’t maintain the cleaning, & fails to pickup after himself).

I recently lost my Father and I know I haven’t been in the best moods and my attitude is his only complaint about me. I know it takes two, so I know I am also at fault for the changes in our relationship. For the past few months I haven’t been feeling happy, I don’t feel as if we are a team. We have always had this amazing love life and it has dwindled down to twice a month. When I give him attitude about anything, he talks to me in a rude tone or manner. I am sure my attitude was rude as well. After so many years I don’t want this to set the tone for the rest of our relationship. How do we get back on the right track? We almost ended our relationship this summer. We voiced to each other our concerns and wants as far as what we need to work on to make things work, and neither one of us have put in the effort. I heard a song on the radio this weekend by Kelly Clarkson – Already Gone. The verse “Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive, You know I love you so, I love you enough to let you go”. It got me thinking how unhappy he’s been lately and love has nothing to do with the ending of a relationship. Things have just gotten to a strange and distance place. I want him to be happy, maybe it’s over, and I have to let him go. My misery, my obsession with cleanliness has been my biggest down fall.

I look forward to reading your reply.

VictorM's advice:

My advice: Catch him doing something right.

That's right, make it your mission to ignore when he does something wrong, and make an effort to find him doing something right. Then lavish some praise on him, and give him a reward. Before you know it, doing the right thing will become his mantra.

Example: so he leaves his clothes around... his socks there, his underwear here, his shirt and pants everywhere. Bite your lips! No nagging! No snide remarks! No sarcasm! Instead, wait for the one day he does something positive. It could even be picking up just one sock. Bingo! You caught him doing something right. In a nice tone, say, "thanks for picking up that sock" and give him a kiss, or cook his favorite meal, or wear his favorite sexy garment to bed... and leave it at that. If you are patient, gradually, I bet the pattern of his behavior will tilt in your favor.

Oh, and stop listening to Kelly Clarkson and her crappy lyrics. Life isn't a poem; it's difficult and it requires work. Love is a reward for that work, not something you deserve for nothing. You want happiness? Work for it!

Submitted on Sunday, October 25, 2009
By: marie
Age: 19
Location: nj
Question: so there is this guy he is 22 years old, he is in the military, we have this strange relationship where we are not official but we do things as if we were, he says he doesn't want a relationship because he doesn't have the time to commit to one. every time he comes home from the base, which is one every month or maybe twice, we do spend time together. he does mention stuff that he would like to do with me like a vacation and even meeting my family. it's been 6 months since we met. i don't know what to do. should i cut him off because we are never going to be in a relationship or should i wait to see what happens? what am i to him? just a side piece? or what?

VictorM's advice:

Why should he pay full price for something if he can get it for free? As long as he's getting out of the current arrangement what he wants under his terms, there is no need to change it. The burning desire for a committed relationship is mostly a girls thing; guys are usually happy with the type of arrangement you have now. The one not happy with the situation has to be the one to do something about it.

He was upfront with you about not wanting a relationship; you went along, presumably hoping he'd change his mind. Between the two of you, he was the direct one about his intentions.

How long you wait for what you want is up to you, but the current path isn't likely to give you what you want. For you to stick around at his beck and call screams lack of respect for yourself, hardly a trait that's likely to endear you to him.

Submitted on Sunday, October 25, 2009
By: jude
Age: 16
Question: ok, so i met this guy freshman year of high school. well actually, i didn't meet him i just had a class with him and thought he was real cute. he was friends with one of my guy friends but i could never make myself go up and talk to him. well, somehow my friend found out i had a crush on this guy and started talking to him about me..turns out he thought i was cute too. he got my number from our friend and text me. and that's how it all started. we talked all day everyday for idk how long, but he would barely talk to me in person, which is partly my fault. im not normally shy but he makes me so nervous in a real good way. i asked him why he thought we never talked in person and he said he was too shy..i've heard that about him. finally he asks me to go on a date. of course i went but both of our friends came along for support. we didn't need it. we talked throughout the whole movie, we actually got sssh'ed by some people. after that night we talked for about a week or so and nothing else really happened. we started tlking less and less until we just stopped talking all together. then, i find put he has a new girlfriend. that broke my heart. we didn't talk for the rest of the summer and when school started back we would have these awkward passings in the hall, thats it. well i started thinking about him more and more until the point i couldn't stand it. i hear that him and this girl broke up, so i text him. and now we are back to talking everyday. he waves or smiles at me now when he sees me and texts me first all the time. i think i've really fallen for him but idk if he feels the same. he's always saying stuff like "you should be here" and making little comments about "us". he asked me why we ever stopped talking and i said because you got a girlfriend and he said only because you stopped talking to me. so i really don't know how he feels. i know he used to really like me but idk about now. we have tons in common and everyone, i mean EVERYONE, thinks we would be perfect together. i can see it but again..idk if he can. i just cant seem to get over this guy. mainly because i don't wanna get over him. how do i figure out if he feels the same?

VictorM's advice:

Well, EVERYONE has nothing to do with this; it's between you and him.

He may be shy, but not so shy that it stopped him from having a girlfriend. If he wanted you as a girlfriend, he would make more of an effort. I think he enjoys talking to you, but I doubt if he'll ask you out. You seem to be an ego boost for him. But, you never know. Stay friendly, keep in touch, and all kinds of things could happen. Just don't expect too much.

Submitted on Sunday, October 25, 2009
By: jenny m.
Age: 15
Location: toronto
Question: i talk to this guy all the time. he's really flirty and funny. then when were texting (which we do a lot) he'll just randomly stop talking back, so ill be like "OK". how can i tell when he's getting bored, or when i should not text back so i don't feel like the loser that's getting ignored. thanks!

VictorM's advice:

The loser is the one who doesn't have the manners to say "gotta go, bye." I suggest you do just that from time to time just when the conversation is good, particularly when he's flirting. It's always good to leave a guy wanting more of you.

Also, you might suggest to him that you'd appreciate him letting you know when he's done texting with you.

Submitted on Sunday, October 25, 2009
By: Faith
Age: 17
Location: Florida
Question: My problem is i get attached way too easily. I met this guy through a friend, but he goes to a different school. We've been talking every day for about a week, texting only. It seems like we have a lot in common, same nationality and views. He told me he doesn't want to marry a girl who is the same culture. I'm not looking to marry him right now but i don't want to end up really liking him for nothing in return. What should i do? Totally drop everything that's going on or hope he changes his mind?

VictorM's advice:

Expecting that he'll change his mind is a really big gamble. Is he worth it? Doesn't sound that way to me, but it's your call to make.

Submitted on Sunday, October 25, 2009
By: kitty cat
Age: 26
Location: Miami
Question: Dear Real Guy,

I hope you will be able to shed some light on my "desperate case". Ok so in short lines. I meet this guy, he is 38 and fell in love on the fist sight, he came to me, we were together from day 1 we met. He bought a house "for us", proposed to me in a month. I was on Cloud 9. We had to go long distance for 5 months and went trough many obstacles and problems, I am so proud we worked out.

Now I am suppose to go to the house and we were supposed to get married etc. (I am from Europe, he is American), now he says to me "he wants to be alone and needs time for himself"?! What the hell? In the morning he sent me a message "Hi love, did you book your flight :-) I can't wait etc.", and than in the evening "he wants time off" and wants me to see other people?!

I have never cheated on him and believe him when he says he hasn't cheated on me either.... He said that he has never been by himself and went from one relationship into another and now doesn't love himself?! All my stuff is at his house, I even bought some household items to take back...and now?! ..... Puzzled?! Sounds like lack of self esteem and self confidence, but why now?

Any advice from Mr Real Guy will be highly appreciated!!!! :-)

VictorM's advice:

Relationships come with no guarantee. They could last a lifetime, a few hours, and any other time in between. Your case seems more desperate given the purchase of the house and recent signs of encouragement, but none of those things alter the basic feelings, or lack of them, from one person to the other.

Maybe your guy was feeling anxious already but it wasn't until the day of your travel that the situation really sunk in. Maybe he's just having a spell of cold feet and will come back to his senses soon. But your whole story, from the love at fist sight to being engaged within a month, screams PROBLEM! Guys who enter a relationship with such intensity are prone to burn out suddenly at some point. And that's what just happened.

I don't believe lack of confidence or poor self esteem is involved; I just think the lust that fueled his early intensity (it was never love) has ran out of steam and you came tumbling down from the pedestal he placed you at.

Submitted on Sunday, October 25, 2009
By: LeeLee
Question: Okay Vic I have no clue what to do!! The two most important guys in my life: boyfriend and best friend: hate each other!! Here's why...

My best friend Aaron likes me. Or in his words loves me. We always talk during classes, and we tell each other everything. We have no secrets, and I just love the kid to death.

My boyfriend Cristian and I have known each other for three years and Cristian has wanted me since we met, and now he's finally got me and he is extremely happy. So am I. :)

Now the problems::: Cristian knows Aaron likes me, so he brags about us making out in front of Aaron. Aaron thinks Cristian is a preppy loser, so he brags about how much Aaron and I talk, which makes Cristian feel...left out I guess.

Why are guys so irritating?!??

Anyways, what do I do? I mean I break up their fights and shit, but sometimes they do this thing where they make me CHOOSE SIDES. And that's what drives me crazy!!!

How do I settle all their shit?! I love them both and I want them to keep their hatred in their head!!

Thanks in advance!! :)

VictorM's advice:

Guys are irritating but not as irritating as a woman who falls for the childish jerks, tolerates their stupid shit, and even enables their behavior. Yes, the problem in this case is YOU for putting up with their crap.

You're putting on yourself the burden of turning two 5 year olds into adults. Why? Maybe because you're as immature as they are?

One or the other, or preferably both, need to go.

You can't do it? Then stop complaining; you're just as bad as they are.

Submitted on Saturday, October 24, 2009
By: Jess
Age: 20
Location: Australia
Question: I met a really nice guy at university but was too shy and afraid to ask him out in person or ask for his number, he's really shy around me too and I get the feeling he's single and hasn't had too much experience in dating (he has lots of friends who are girls but I think other girls kind of rule him out pretty quick coz he's really short and maybe not all that attractive at first glance...but I think he's awesome). We've sat next to each other in classes all semester and occassionally stopped to talk when we ran into each other around campus but never hung out together outside of class. My friends reckon it's unlikely that he'll turn me down if I ask him out for a drink or something. Problem is, I've just finished university forever so apart from possibly seeing him at an exam or maybe one post-exams uni party, I may not see him ever again. After our very last class we lingered outside just talking for a few minutes but I didn't get the courage to ask for his number and he didn't imply wanting to see me again or wanting to stay in touch so I left it at that and we parted ways.

Is it weird/creepy to look him up on Facebook and add him...and maybe ask him out? (We have two 'mutual friends' but they're more like acquaintances really).
If it's acceptable to do that...how should I go about it? Start a casual conversation on his wall first or go straight to private messaging? If it's ok to ask him out, what sort of 'date' should it be...since we don't really have close mutual friends we can hang out with together?

In all honesty, how would you feel if a girl did this to you? (Assume she's friendly, and sort of the girl-next-door type)

VictorM's advice:

As they say, if you never ask, the answer is always no. So yeah, I think you should friend him, go right to private and if you have the nerve, ask him for a beer or something.

If you ask him out, at a minimum he's going to be thrilled and his ego will shoot through the roof. Guaranteed. And he will think nothing but the best of you, no matter what happens.

So... go! Friend him!

Submitted on Saturday, October 24, 2009
By: Hannah
Age: 14
Location: chicago
Question: So I met this guy over the summer, he liked me, he got the impression I liked him back yadda yadda. eventually he told me he loved me. I couldn't say it back and I felt really bad. but we still talked and stuff. then he got mad at me and ignored me because I took a date to homecoming (cause it wasn't him lol), I apologized for that cause I knew he REALLY liked me, we made up and started talking again. now he's ignoring me AGAIN and I have no idea why. I talk about him a lot with my friend only because she's the only friend I have that knows him, and she told him I was obsessed with him. I'm not sure if that's why though. now he never answers any of my text. I called him once with my other friends phone and he was kinda mean to me, it was like he was trying ssoo hard not to talk to me but to my friend who was also on the phone. then he called my friend back and told her he liked her, even though at least a week ago he was telling me he loved me. I'm to afraid to call him but I really want to, should i? I just like the way he makes me feel, he WAS nice to me, I really liked talking to him. he always put a smile on my face. anytime he was mean he was just poking fun, it was cute. now I'm just hurt. I wanted someone to finally love me for ssssoooo long, I thought we could actually go somewhere with are relationship. my friend warned me he was a playa and he messed with girls and cheated, but I didn't listen. I really miss him though, I didn't really like him at first but he grew on me. don't get me wrong I DO NOT love him but I could see myself with him. Its been depressing me. should I call him? is this my fault for not saying I love you back and not dating him earlier? am I really being pathetic and lovesick? please help. how can I get his attention back? is he a playa?

for the homecoming thing I didn't ask anyone I was set up. I didn't even know I had a date till the day of. I didn't want a date and if did I would not want to go with the guy I went with.

i know it may look like I tell my friend everything but I dont. when he told me to keep something I secret I did. he told me I could trust him and I did. I don't know what to think now

P.S. I don't go to school with him and he's a year younger.

VictorM's advice:

You should call him and try to get to the bottom of what's going on. You shouldn't lie and tell him you love him when you don't, but a lot of the things you wrote here are the kinds of things a guy in his situation might like to hear. Maybe he no longer likes you, but you should at least give it one try to make things clear.

And next time, tell your friend to mind her own business.

Submitted on Saturday, October 24, 2009
By: Dorothy
Age: 50+
Location: Atlanta
Question: My significant other calls back to back. Yesterday, he called 4 times in a row until he reached me. Is this excessive?

VictorM's advice:

Oh no! Your significant other is a female with a dick! :-p

Only you can say if it's excessive. Everyone has different tolerance for this sort of thing, and besides, I have no idea why he was trying to reach you.

If he was calling to say that he got a gerbil stuck up his ass and needed you to call the ambulance, the 4 times seem justified. If, on the other hand, he was calling to tell you that he yanked a piece of wax from his hear the size of a pea, well... 4 times might be a tad excessive.

Submitted Saturday, October 24, 2009
By: tiffany
Age: 21
Location: tennessee
Question: Okay, so this guy i have worked with for about three years recently broke up with his girlfriend (who also works with us) we have always been friends and talked. I helped him through the break up, and was a friend through the whole thing. he recently moved in with me, because i needed a roommate, and things have changed. we now sleep in the same room are all over each other in private, but he ignores me in public. this was fine at first but, it's been 6 months now. i want to be more than this, i want things to be official. how can i address this without making him run?

VictorM's advice:

You want what to be official? That you are his fuck buddy (or whatever "all over each other" means)? Because from the sound of it, that's all that you are.

If talking about something like this with him scares you that he might run away, that's not a very good sign, is it? But if asking such a question is the kind of thing that makes him run away, what have you got to lose, other than a fuck buddy?

Submitted on Saturday, October 24, 2009
By: lauren
Age: 32
Location: Cleveland
Question: Why does he get my attention to then ignore me?? I use to date this guy who was very arrogant. It would take him days later to return a text, where he would initiate the conversation. I use to forget what we were talking about. He would say off the wall stuff, he just sounded like his ego was the size of the planet. He owns a couple properties he rents out, but the properties appearance are not much to brag about. Well I finally broke things off with him. After that, he would occasionally send friendly text, trying to get me to open up to him again. Well after almost a year of me shutting him out, he texted me saying he has to see me. I finally agreed to to meet him for coffee and I asked where he wanted to meet me? He ignored me again. Haven't heard from him in days. What is going on here?

VictorM's advice:

He's just being himself. He may reply days from now. That's his tempo.

The question is: why are you surprised?

Submitted on Saturday, October 24, 2009
By: Honey
Age: 31
Location: Asia
Question: I met this guy about two years ago through another friend. We did not become close initially...just a few text messages in a month and even fewer dinners with friends from time to time.

Three months ago, I invited him to my house for my birthday party. Since then, he began contacting me much more often than he used to and we started getting a bit closer than before. Now he texts me almost every day. He calls me several times a week and we talk for hours. He asks me out on a date almost every weekend and most of the time I say yes. He usually gives me a lot of compliments and always offers to do nice things for me.

Now I am wondering why he has been doing all this. We were not very close before. Why is there a sudden change? Though he is generous with giving me compliments, he has never told me that he likes me. It's been like this the past three months. Is he interested in me romantically? Or does he just enjoy my company and all this is about nothing but just plain friendship?

Thanks for the advice.

VictorM's advice:

He is interested in getting to know you because he's sexually attracted to you and would like to explore whether sex and/or a relationship with you might be in the cards. But guys tend to be very cautious about this approach and try to learn as much about the girl as possible before they become committed. Eventually, he will either ask you to be his girlfriend, or he will fade away. Pure friendship is not what he's after.

For many men, they prefer this very slow method of getting to know a girl, even at the expense of forgoing sex with her. For many, it's a small price to pay to enjoy a woman, to spend time with her, to have fun with her, and not feel the sense of obligation that so suffocates many men.

As I always say, women see a relationship as security; men see it as loss of freedom. He's going to want to make sure you're worth that price before anything else happens.

Submitted on Saturday, October 24, 2009
By: Melissa
Age: 17
Location: Greensboro
Question: Last friday i hooked up with a guy at this girls party, we talked a lot before and then we walked to my car and i told him i would drive him to meet his friend and we parked the car and started kissing and stuff...and now i see him at school everywhere and we just make awkward eye contact and yesterday i saw him and he said hey, which is the first time we talked since the hook up, but i think i might like him and the girl he went to homecoming game said that she made out with him at HC and expected him to call but he never did. I want to say hey to him at school and stuff but i'm scared he just wants it to stay a hook up, and i was also thinking about asking his friend for his number but idk if that would be weird or what? (because i didn't get it when we were together)

VictorM's advice:

Forget about getting the number from his friend -- talk to the guy yourself. He greeted you, that's a sign that he's looking for some form of contact with you. Sure, maybe he just wants to hook up again, but you have control over whether that happens or not. Still, it should be easy for you to get some conversation going and to get his phone number from him.

Submitted on Friday, October 23, 2009
By: kennedi
Age: 19
Location: kentucky
Question: There is absolutely nothing at all to do in the place I live and my friends are all coupled off and never (I mean, never!) want to do anything without their boyfriends which I guess isn't so bad but I don't have a boyfriend so I guess what I'm asking is where can I go by myself to meet guys, and I'm talking sensible-not-just-looking-for-fun kind of guys, and not look like a loser?

VictorM's advice:

Go where the types of guys you might like go. For example, if you like athletic types, find a bicycle club, or join a gym, join some coed baseball or softball league, take up tennis, that sorta thing. If you like the creative types, join some community theater (you don't have to act, you can volunteer for backstage work), look for poetry clubs, etc. Basically, combine your interests with the place or activity you join. This way, even if you don't meet a guy, at least you partake in activities that will be fun for you.

Submitted on Friday, October 23, 2009
By: ally
Age: 19
Question: Do "more experienced" guys like to go after innocent girls? Is there some fascination with the fact that they are so "pure"?

VictorM's advice:

Yes, yes, yes.

Submitted on Friday, October 23, 2009
By: maria
Age: 26
Location: Austin
Question: Hi Victor,
My question is this the guy I was dating for 2 years broke up with me 3 months ago. We both needed a break, I think. We had started arguing all the time. Now when we are together its nice fun and relaxing again. I am so not over him nor do I think he is over me. We still talk daily and tell each other the good things and bad things in our day. We text often and see each other a couple times a week. He tells me he loves me and misses me but can't be with me in a relationship right now. He says he does want me and it would kill him if I was with someone else . Saying all this he still doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me hmmmmm......
Am I wasting my time on him? I respect the fact he is being honest and I give him space and do my own thing. I do love him and think we could make a great life together when he is ready. and will he ever be ready?

VictorM's advice:

You're being delusional about the prospects of a great life together. At least he's exhibiting more common sense than you.

The only reason you're not arguing now is because you're not a couple. The moment that changes, you'll be back to the same old behavior, and the same arguments.

Submitted on Friday, October 23, 2009
By: Kirsten
Age: 18
Location: Long Beach
Question: So, there's this guy from Vegas I met in June 2007. We've always had something there. Never furthered it, but its been there. I was 16 when I met him. 2 and half years later we met up again, and its still there, but now we're taking the next step. At least I thought we were. He's now 22, and I'm almost 19. He stayed with me for 5 days. No sex. But definitely other physical activity. He's coming back down in three weeks. But I saw him two nights ago. We met half way just to see each other, and things went further this time. Now he feels a little distant. Am I just over-thinking things? I don't think he just used me for sex. He came out to California and paid for everything and when sex opportunities could've arisen, we didn't do anything and he still talks to me, but now that we've gone that far, I don't know how to feel. What's he feeling? I'm scared to ask. I don't want to sound crazy, but I'm super sensitive to this stuff, and I need help. Help me?

VictorM's advice:

A guy appearing distant can mean that he's lost interest, but it could also mean that he's just getting more secure in the relationship. Guys are notorious for getting a bit lazy once they think things are solid.

So, don't go crazy for now. Give him some more time and see what happens next. If he either has lost interest or is too lazy, you will know it within a short period of time.

Submitted on Friday, October 23, 2009
By: Sierra
Age: 17
Location: ohio
Question: ok well my boyfriend and i have been dating for six months now and i care about him a lot. in the first couple weeks we were dating, his best friend at the time was his ex girlfriend. me and him went to fireworks together and we met some friends there, his ex being one of them... ok so after the fire works i'm tired, i want to go to my friend's house and sleep, so i do. the next morning i discover that he let his ex spend the night, even later i find out they slept next to each other (he said nothing physical happened). there were other people living with him so they weren't alone, but still. since then he has lost her number and won't answer her calls and even reminds me every day how stupid he is... even so he still makes these little mistakes that make me uncomfortable. for instance, recently my best friend's parents are moving out of the school district and she wants to stay so she needed a place to live here so they were good friends before he and i met she asked him if she could stay with him to keep going to school here. He actually asked me if she could live with him! wouldn't that be a no brainer that my answer would be heeellllll no! i love my best friend with all my heart but that's asking too much, right? he said he didn't really plan on me saying yes or really fallowing through with her request.

it's hard for me to decide whether to let him stay cause he is sooooo good to me in every other area and the other night finally broke down and begged for my forgiveness. he said he sees what he's doing wrong now instead of trying to buy me things to make up for what he's done, he said he needs to actually grow up and stop acting on impulse. he loves me with all his heart and wants me to give him time to prove how much i mean to him. should i give him that time? i want to but i'm afraid of getting hurt like i have been in past relationships.

VictorM's advice:

Of course you should give him a chance. No one is perfect. At least this guy, unlike so many, acknowledges his mistakes and is trying his best to improve. Yeah, sharing a bed with his ex was a major blunder, and sure, asking about your best friend staying with him was not very bright but you can say he was confused and wanted your input, which is not a terrible thing.

As for you not wanting to get hurt... it's understandable that you don't want that but to avoid it you better become a nun or something, because being in love you're always one step away from pain. It's just the way it is, and will always be, no matter how long you are with anyone.

Submitted on Friday, October 23, 2009
By: Cricket
Age: 23
Location: MO
Question: My boyfriend who lived with me 4 years wants some space to clear his mind. He will still call me to see how I'm doing. Does he still love me and is it possible he doesn't want to break up? Is he just having a moment of major stress?

VictorM's advice:

All things are possible, but when a guy says he wants to clear his mind, he wants to clear it from you, not from any other stresses. The odds that he'll come to realize that you make his life better, not more stressful or empty, are rather small.

The calls to see how you are doing are a natural process of moving on, not a sign he wants to come back.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Stasi
Age: 23
Location: South Carolina
Question: I started dating this guy from work. We have been working at the same company for about a year (but in different departments) and never really saw each other other then hi Thats as far as it went.

One day we actually had a conversation and found that we had alot in common. Which was wonderful. He asked me to go to a play with him (as a friend at the time) as well as the zoo (which he knows I love to do).

We did that, we went out, hung out every now and then. Nothing serious just fun with a hug at the end of the event we did. During this time he would call me, text me and all around get to know me, and vice versa. (As well as leaving my favorite flower on my work locker)
One day in particular my best friend shows up to my work to pick me up and invites him to go out with us for her birthday. He agrees, in which he met all of my friends. So through out the night there was some slight flirting, which turned into couple mode. Hold my hands, wrapping his arms around my waist, kissing my head, ect. (In front of my friends mind you) It felt natural and easy. From then on he was slightly more affectionate at work but we kept everything on the Down Low because working at this job was like living in a small town. Rumors go around and since both of our jobs rely on each other, people would think he was making my job easier for me and vice versa. So we kept things to ourselves, our bosses did not need to know. (Note: that if they questioned us we would not deny it.)

This went on for about three weeks, then something happened. He didn't really tell me what it was just said that he really did not want to talk about it right now. Which was fine with me I respect his space, and told him if he needed anything from me do not hesitate to ask. From then on out he was becomeing increasing distant, for about three weeks.(During this time I would occasionally call or text him to see how he was doing. He never answered. I did not want to appear clingy but wanted him to know I care and I was there for him) I was getting nervous because we had that play to attend to. When the time came I was purely going into this as he lost interest, we are just going as friends. Well it started out that way after he picked me up from my house, but once we started walk to dinner and kill some time before the play he would hold my hand, etc. ( Like what he was doing in front of my friends) SO then I figure perhaps that whatever was bothering him was over. We laughed, had fun and everything. He wanted to stop by our work place to use the bathroom which we did. Mind you we could of went in and out with out being noticed, BUT he had one of his co-workers take a picture of us as well as explained to his co-worker who I was and what department I worked in. After that he took me home and said he had a busy day the next day so he better go. Which his goodbye was prolonged because I would not let him go and he wasn't exactly fighting too hard himself. :) I hugged him for the last time as he buried his face in my hair brushed his lips so they barley kissed the side of my neck as he whispered in my ear with a slight giggle "You are a very intoxicating woman. I have to go." He kissed my hands and said good night. And then he left.

The next at work, it got around. (DUH) And one of the bosses teased me about it and that was about it. So I called him and informed him that his boss "Knows whats going on between us" He had a small smile in his voice and said "Okay. Thats good to know."

After that his world seemed to crash and he was highly stressed. Life has been like that with him for the past two months. He doesn't call me, don't text me doesn't answer if I call or text. I tried leaving small notes in his locker like I use to (Which he said he loved and they made his day) but now I get nothing from him. He talks to me at work about what is going in his personal life a bit, but not a lot can come out in 30 mins. Granted I should take the chance and say "Hey. You. Me. lets go out and talk." But I'm afraid of his answer, especially for as much time has elapsed. There has been a couple of times where he has been flirty with me, and has made comments. He teases me a lot (which is 3rd grade flirting. I get that. but it doesn't always mean he is interested.)
My Questions are these:
- Has he lost interest?
- Was there something that I did wrong?
- Is there something I can do to try and continue what we started?
- If he hasn't lost interest why is he acting this way? And what should I do about it?

VictorM's advice:

Has he lost interest? I don't think so, because he never really had it. Oh, he was a bit curious at first, and of course, like most guys, wanted to flaunt and brag (which explains his actions in front of your friends and taking the picture at work), but he never really showed more than typical good manners with a girl and putting his best foot forward.

All you have done wrong is assume that his actions meant more than what they really meant. You can also stop making excuses. This whole business about his life being stressed, that's why he doesn't call, is a form of delusion.

Well, I'm not sure what is is that you want to continue, but it doesn't appear you ever had much to begin with. Chances are that if anything happens it'll be sporadic, as it has been.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Isabella
Age: 18
Location: portland
Question: my boyfriend tells me he likes me but i look at his myspace and a lot of girls talk to him for that matter all i see is girls talking to him, but we like each other, how do i deal?

VictorM's advice:

You deal by telling him how you feel about it. Don't accuse him of doing anything wrong or of anything you have no proof of, but do let him know your feelings about it. Always speak in first person, things like "I feel uncomfortable...", "I feel disrespected...", "I feel insecure...".

He may say you shouldn't worry, but ultimately, if he cares enough about your feelings, he'll do something to accommodate you. And if he doesn't? Well, then he doesn't like you enough for your taste.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Gymnastzz
Age: 13
Location: nyc
Question: Victor, So I am in 8th grade (last year of middle school!!) and there is this one 6th grader on my bus (first year of middle school). I find him extremely attractive and i think he feels the same because when he's with the others he looks at me. a lot. anyway would it be weird for him to like go out with me or what because i'm two years older? he also hasn't made any moves yet but that may be of me being in the font and him in the back beacause of my stupid bus driver! Lolz thanks Victor;)!!!

VictorM's advice:

Yeah, it would be weird. An 11 year old boy is most likely not even thinking about girls or the least bit interested in hanging out with one.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: dawn
Age: 30
Location: oklahoma
Question: Ok, I need advice about men, not just guys. I want to know if I should lay down my ideal for this barely budding relationship. We've dated a couple times before--are completely insanely hot for each other-- and covered quite a bit of ground iming, and that mental aspect was what first started the attraction. He works A LOT & I'm understanding, we both have our own lives. But he knows I don't want to be thought of as a sex toy, but we can't seem to stay away from the topic or the desire. What I want him to know and feel comfortable with is that I would really like for sex to be a big part of our relationship, I just don't want it to be the only part because that's when I will start to feel like a piece of meat. But I don't know how to work on the whole thing with him because he seems to distance himself if we get too focused on that, I think to ensure that I don't think that's all he's about... which is a good thing, but, I also don't want him to think that's all I'm about!! So, how can I really let him know the combination I want and I think he wants and hopefully we can actually accomplish. He's a couple years older than I (at this point no biggie). But just as this question proves, women go on and on to get to a point and that can confuse and drive away a man. Hopefully this is not the case with your response. I'd really appreciate it!

(VictorM's comment: this was a subsequent submission by Dawn)

Ok, I submitted a question yest. on how to approach an acquaintance with this guy I first started talking to 2yrs ago. We started talking knowing we were both looking for a relationship, but I went down a different road & so then so did he, we met back up about 1.5yrs later, this time we jumped on the opportunity, and as I said before, we cannot resist each other physically, but what first attracted us both meeting times was the mental aspect. Well, that didn't work out because I broke a date & he was having a bad family experience that may have caused his over-reaction to that, I dunno. So I did all the apologizing that I could do, which is A LOT, and he still wouldn't forgive me. So I just wrote him off my books, literally! But four months later he gets in contact with me on an IM. Well I didn't check it till a month later, but returned the contact, and he wanted a date a.s.a.p. Again, it was great, conversation, chemistry, & attraction. So, I wanted to know how I can say, if I should even say to him how even though I don't want to be just a play-thing, I really do accept and want sex to be a big part of whatever the hell we are doing. So, I was impatient with you and this is what I told him, PLEASE tell me what you think:

ME! (10/22/2009 10:59:37 PM): Sometimes I am totally over thinking the prospect of having it all... and that is probably totally not realistic anyway in any aspect of life, I'm not for sure; I'll tell you the truth when I'm dead. But one thing that is ever evading and completely out of my control is: Great companionship. It'd be nice to get it from the opposite sex because then so many great things could be combined!! But...Is that even possible?? The opposite genders' brains do not even function the same; this is scientifically proven by neurologists.

So, does that mean that we are all doomed to some form of anxious confusion over our breeder counterparts? Or is there relief in the comfort that yes, some of us can,will,do accept our counters as who they may be, and in my case, hopefully he is intelligent, driven, independent, strong, capable, sincere, sweet, gentle, sexy, responsible, humorous and can more than handle a woman who is intelligent, independent, sweet, driven, crass, sultry, wholesome, with a great passion for life, family, & expression & a desire for deep rooted intimacy. Sometimes it's hard for people to handle such contradicting natural character in people, this I understand. Sometimes I'm like that.

I don't know if you are a type of man who can handle me well or not. But, I would like to enjoy you thoroughly on as many of these levels as I possibly can. Because I am of course human, but also a woman in need of such qualities, and I know you hold many of such that I could bask in even if for a short while. So don't let me mislead you in my intentions or what I expect. Just let me enjoy you & you me. You are probably wondering why I feel the need to say all of this, but you know, I am a woman. So I must communicate with long, elaborate explanations of my ideas,etc. I know I want to enjoy you for more than a few weeks this round and in as many ways as possible.

I hope you will accommodate my needs. Life seems so short sometimes & as an adult, welcomed companionship is much harder for me to find.

VictorM's advice:

There's one thing you should add as being different between men and women: women talk for the man as if they were inside his head. Example: "what first attracted us both meeting times was the mental aspect." You're speaking for him and saying something that contradicts what's happening. Which explains why the sex is so hot and yet he pulls away when sex is not the goal -- he doesn't appear to share your attraction for the mental aspects.

What you are asking me is how do you change a man who only thinks of you as a sex toy to think of you as more than a sex toy. Well, YOU don't make a man see that you're more than just a sex toy. What you do is select a man who doesn't think any one woman is a sex object, that in fact sex is only part of a healthy relationship. If you have the right guy for you, you don't have to explain anything to him about your wants in terms of his views towards sex, because he should already share that view. What you said in your long message, in essence, should never need to be said.

This guy is into you for the sex and not much more. But then, you are a woman... you're bent on making this round peg fit into a square hole. Good luck with that.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: frustrated
Age: 27
Location: usa
Question: I am so frustrated. The man in my life and I split up due to stress and the constant fighting. We have both been working hard on dealing with the things that caused the fighting. We both have made good progress. The thing is every time we take steps towards getting back together he backs off. So I get to the point of frustration and try to end the wishy-washy ways. I will stop contact with him. Then after a few days he goes out of his ways to give me my attention that wanted in the first place. We don't fight over this I just leave him to himself and get on with my life. I guess my question is WHY do guys do this ??

VictorM's advice:

Um... doesn't sound to me like you made good enough progress. You're not giving him credit for wanting to be careful and approaching the relationship more slowly. Instead, you label his approach as "wishy-washy".

The world doesn't revolved around your clock. The attention you get can't be when you want it; it has to include when he wants to give it to you. You act as if paying you attention is a mandatory obligation, and must be shown when you want it. It's as if you don't feel that you have to earn it to get it.

You still have a lot of work to do.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Shawna
Age: 20
Question: Victor PLEASE answer my question! I submitted one on sunday and you didn't answer mine. I have another one.

The guy I was seeing consistently for like 4 months has recently just stopped talking to me. I invited him to my birthday party like i said in my last post and he never answered me through text. We hung out a week before my birthday for his birthday and it was my idea, then he texted me twice more that week. So at the party after my birthday was over, on Saturday he came up to me and poked me in the back and said hey how was your birthday and i said good and he was like sorry i couldn't come i had a game the next day and i was like oh. He said want to come outside and get a beer with me? and i was like huh? cus i was mad at him and didn't know what to say and he was like uh i'm going outside to get a beer ill be right back. I was like i'm not waiting for him so i went into a different room and he came back in looking for me and saw me talking to other guys. He just walked away and started talking to this ugly brunette. We ignored each other the rest of the party and i walked out to leave right past him and he was still with the brown haired girl talking. I saw him today on my way to class and he was like Shawna! and gave me a hug and was like how are you? and i was like i'm good how are you and he said he was good cus his team had won against a really good other team and i was like that's cool ill see you later and patted him on the back and went into my class. What is he thinking? I haven't heard from him since but he's pretty much been like up and down the whole time we've been seeing each other, it's hard to tell if he likes me or not or just doesn't want a girlfriend and knows i'm that type of girl.

VictorM's advice:

Yes ma'am, your wish is my command. :)

Shawna, there is no mystery here. He stopped talking to you, he didn't come to your birthday, he wasn't concerned at the party that you were mad at him... face it: he's just not into you. That doesn't mean he's going to stop being nice to you, greet you when he sees you, and generally just be pleasant with you, but that's a far cry from signs of any interest.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: BMK
Age: 26
Location: PA
Question: In general, how do men feel about women who are a bit older, but are still virgins...not necessarily out of religious restraint- just a lack of say, opportunity?

VictorM's advice:

Like they won the lottery. Seriously. Virgins rock! Guys like that.

Unless... all they want is sex. Then you're not so appealing.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, Fl
Question: On Sunday night, my boyfriend left me two voicemails that I discovered that Monday morning. One of the voicemails was a break up one saying that our relationship isn't going to work out, then about 10 minutes later I discovered the second voicemail telling me to disregard the break up message. I talked to him that Monday afternoon and he was like I start arguements with him about stupid stuff and when we argue, I raise my voice and become loud. After working through all of that, that night he tells me that he feels as if we rushed into our relationship and we haven't got to know each other that much. We have been dating for 5 months and he tells me this now. He tells me that we are still boyfriend and girlfriend, but we are known by others as no longer together-basically keeping our relationship on the down low so everyone will be happy as in my mother and friend. Right now, I don't know what we are because he still calls me babe and tells me that he loves me, but I don't know...All of this worrying of what we are and if we will continue is making me sick to my stomach literally. I don't know what to do. Today, he told me that he didn't know what he want us to be because I asked him and he was like," I need to get my head straight." He claims that we don't know each other that much with all the arguing-I guess he means we don't know what makes us tick. I don't want to lose him, but I feel as if I am and there is nothing I can do, but let time go by. A few people told me that he's just using me and others are saying to flirt with other guys to see how he react, but i'm sure if I flirt, he will flirt as well. I am stuck in a web of sadness, anger, and confusion. What is going on?

VictorM's advice:

Whatever you do, do not play the flirting game. That advice is childish and wrong. And the people who say he's just using you are idiots. Don't listen to any of them.

Guys enter into relationships with the idea of having a good time, having fun. You girls, on the other hand, get all too serious about it, and never cease trying to change the guy. And so the arguing starts. And there's nothing fun about arguments, specially when they are about petty things. And trust me, at your age, your arguments are petty.

So he gets frustrated, angry, and wants to give up. It's not like he doesn't like you, but you're taking the fun out of having a girlfriend.

Remember this: the most important thing about keeping a guy happy is for him to feel good about himself when he's in your company. Make him feel like crap and you're going to lose him.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Emily
Age: 15
Location: Michigan
Question: Don't judge. I really like this guy that i met freshman year. I had a soft spot for him all year. I texted him all summer. And now we sit next to each other in a class. We talked at first, then something happened (long story). its like a really complicated dirty joke. He tells me he loves me and gets really close to me, jokingly. He thinks its hilarious and prob keeps doing it because i laugh. (its really really funny if you see it). I actually like him alot now. Hes a really funny and great person. But he dated this one girl from 8th to 9th grade that he absolutely adored, and when they broke up at the end of freshman year he was heartbroken. i talked to him all summer, but then he tried to kill himself at the end of summer, because he was so devastated. He seems so much better now, but honestly tell me, am i wasting my time?

VictorM's advice:

No, you're not wasting your time. Obviously he feels comfortable around you, and that's a plus. But you also need to understand that he went through a very traumatic experience and it takes time to get over something like that, even if on the outside he may seem fine.

Give him time, stay friendly, enjoy his sense of humor, and see where it leads.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Serena C
Age: 22
Location: NY
Question: So there is this guy I work with. He is the shy private kind of guy, who doesn't really talk much or react to anyone. We've become friends now, and I'm beginning to feel that he likes me from certain stuff that he does, like I catch him staring at me from time to time, he smiles at me and treats me differently than anyone, protective of me to a limit, but I get so confused that when he is giving me all these signs, it shows that he likes me, so when I suggest a hang out with him and our other friends he turns me down! I've tried that 4 times, and he would turn me down... My question here is how do I get him to ask me out if he really likes me, and why does he do all these nice stuff to me and then at the end of the day pretends like he doesn't care for me one bit??

VictorM's advice:

There's a big difference between enjoying looking at someone, being nice to them, liking their company and wanting the responsibility and commitment that comes with a relationship. Even just going out with you implies expectations that he's not willing to meet.

If a guy asked a girl out 4 times after she kept turning him down each time, some people would say he's harassing her. Leave him alone already.

You help him pass the work day... and that's enough for him.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
By: Jackie L
Age: 23
Location: Denver
Question: I met a guy 8 years ago. We lost contact for years then found each other online. We exchanged numbers and talk non stop. We text morning-night. We reunited after a couple weeks of talking. We were expecting an innocent reunion but ended up sleeping together. We became closer and I've gone to visit him a couple of times because he lives in another state. Its been almost 4 months since our reunion. Some days he acts like my boyfriend and calls me "baby" etc. Other days he treats me like just a friend and acts kind of strange. I know every detail about his past relationships and hook ups. He talks about other girls a lot. He has a phone full of naked pictures of girls in his life. When were together he is constantly texting. I don't say much because we're not "official". He gets upset when other guys talk to me or show interest. He has something negative to say about all my guy friends. He holds my hand and kisses me in public but introduces me as a friend. He says he wants to be with me but doesn't understand why we need a title. What does this mean? What is he thinking or feeling?

VictorM's advice:

It all means that he's a womanizing, control freak.

See, you're lucky. Most guys like him keep those traits hidden until it's too late. You have the good fortune of knowing ahead of time who you're dealing with. If you place more value in this "relationship" than it's worth, you have no one but yourself to blame.

By the way, those traits of his tend to get worse with time, not better.

Submitted on Thursday, October 22, 2009
Age: 22
Question: I'd be celebrating my 5 year anniversary in a couple of months. He was my first relationship. We broke up in the summertime. We've lived together for 3 years. We need each other financially so we continue to help out with bills and rent. We even still sleep in the same bed. We both fell out of love about a year ago. We don't kiss, hold hands, have sex or go on dates. We've drifted way apart. Is it possible to ever fall back in love? The thought of kissing him is even weird to me now.

The guys I talk to have no idea I still live with him. I'm constantly comparing everyone to him. I don't know how to move on or even if I should. I have a comfort with him that I don't think I'll ever feel again with anyone else. He's an amazing guy that would do anything for me but he doesn't show or give me the affection that I want. I also lost a lot of attraction that I use to have for him. How do we fix our relationship or is it time to move on?

VictorM's advice:

Clearly the status quo is not a prescription for happiness. Your life needs a jolt to shake you lose from your current predicament.

If you decide to give it another try, you have to be the one to get it going. Reviving interest for each other is quite possible, but it won't happen without effort and without major changes. You need to start with yourself -- what you wear, what make up you use, your hair style... anything that says to him and to yourself that drastic changes are happening. Even stuff like rearranging the furniture or replacing pictures on the walls can help. Never have fresh flowers in the house? Time to do it now. Etc. Etc.... change, change, change.

Don't ask him to change. You be the change. Don't pressure him. Instead, intrigue him. Smile more often. Slowly increase your physical contact. Maybe a brush of his back with your fingertips as you walk past him... something to reignite the sense of touch. Change your perfume. If you wear none to bed, start. Time to ditch the old flannel pajamas and get something sexier. Show more skin around the house, shorter and tighter shorts, for example.

What I'm talking about is a makeover that encompasses your mind, your body, and your surroundings. Just you. Don't ask him to come along. Be patient and give him time to process what's happening. If he doesn't react positively, or if you still continue to have no desire to kiss him, well, time to move on. And move on you can. You just need to make a plan for how you can extricate yourself from the financial dependence. You know, billions of women on the planet live without his financial assistance -- you can too!

Now, if he starts responding to the new you... it is imperative that you realize that men are not mind readers. Some guys instinctively do the right thing to show affection, most guys need to be coached, trained, shown how to do it. And the best way to do it is to encourage and reward small steps. Anytime he says a kind word, holds a little longer gaze, smiles at you, touches you tenderly.... these are all actions that should be rewarded because rewards will encourage repetition. Don't be negative and dismiss these small steps because they're not the big hug, or the passionate declaration of love that you want. These may never come, but you can veer the attention in that direction.

The simplest, easiest way to motivate a guy is with simple, sincere, short compliments about him. Here's an example: next time he gets a haircut, just say: "Oh, you cut your... looks very nice", smile and walk away. Don't tell him he's a nice guy, thoughtful, kind... yuck! Guys don't care for those compliments. A new shirt, a new pair of shoes, new cologne... these are all opportunities for you to let him know that you noticed.

Basically, any type of behavior you like to encourage, even if it's far short of what you like but is a step in that direction, you can do so with either a compliment or acknowledgment. And lots of patience.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 21, 2009
By: Courtney
Age: 18
Question: I've fallen for my best friend. I shouldn't like him, he has a girlfriend, but one of my girlfriends told him how I feel. Any tips on getting over him / making it normal again? I don't want him to feel awkward, even though he's not acting different, I catch him staring at me an awful lot.

VictorM's advice:

You like him, it's not like you gave him the clap!

If anything, you inflated his ego and he feels good about himself. He'll probably still enjoy your company just the same. Guys actually like being around girls who like them. So you should not worry about him.

The awkwardness is all in your head.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 21, 2009
By: Eva
Age: 20
Location: Quebec
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I KNOW he loves me. Thing is, he's cheated on me before. Maybe it was only in the past, maybe not. He's never admitted it but I've always had a feeling. What's the best way to get him to confess everything?

VictorM's advice:

If I were Dick Cheney, I'd recommend water-boarding (of course, if I were Dick Cheney I'd shoot myself in the face).

I have no bag of tricks to make men talk. But I have to ask, what good would come from him confessing? Are you going to give him a ribbon and pet him "good boy"? I mean, I understand your desire to want to know, but I believe he has nothing to gain by confessing anything.

And what would you do if he confessed? Would you do anything different from what you're doing now? Because you really don't need proof for anything. If he's making you feel suspicious, that's reason enough to believe you're with the wrong guy. If you're just going to look the other way, well, look the other way now.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 20, 2009
By: Katiah
Age: 17
Location: Washington
Question: So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. We get along great, have amazing chemistry, and can talk for hours. Last year, around September, he started acting weird and then we took a "break." I later found out that he hung out with a girl but he was upfront and honest about it. 4 days later he came crawling back to me on his hands and knees begging for me to take him back. So, I did with some exceptions.

Then he started acting weird towards the beginning of last summer and come to find out my mom was calling him telling him to break things off with me because she thought he was the reason for bad grades and stuff. So we got back together in August.

Now, he has this new study partner (female) who he used to only see in class and to study with for an hour once a week. Lately they have been hanging out more and more. He ignores my phone calls and texts and doesn't end up contacting me until late at night. I know they have not "hooked up" and I am not completely sure if he has feelings for her. Sunday they hung out all day. I went to his soccer game to surprise him and she was there. I didn't tell him I knew that it was her and I could obviously tell that he was trying to hide it from me.

I found all this out yesterday and called him so we could talk but once again, I didn't hear anything back. I brought all his stuff and he wrote me back to his house to show that I was serious. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. He texted me today saying that I meant the world to him and that I deserve better. I just don't understand why he would work so hard to get me back and then ruin it all.

VictorM's advice:

What do you mean he's ruining it all? You took him back before, didn't you? You pretended the other girl wasn't at the game even when he was trying to hide her from you. He evades you and still you say that he loves you. Really, he does? And how would you know? Just because he says so? His actions actually betray that notion.

You're delusional about your assessment. Couples who "get along great and have amazing chemistry" actually want to spend their time together, not with others. You may feel that way about him, but doesn't sound like he shares your optimism.

He's not ruining anything; he knows he can get away with it and you will look the other way. Or, as I suspect the "you deserve better" line is his way of telling you he's not that into you as you think. Saying that you mean the world to him is simply bullshit talk. You have to be quite gullible to believe it after what you wrote about his attitude with this other girl.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 20, 2009
By: Janet
Age: 22
Location: Lebanon
Question: Hey! How come you didn't answer my question ? :(

VictorM's advice:

I'm a bad ass. It's the rebel in me. :)

Seriously, I don't know why. I don't remember your question in particular, but I just don't have the time to answer all the questions I get. Sometimes I skip them depending on the availability of my time, or if they use too much net slang, or the topic has been covered a lot and I don't have anything new to say.

How about trying again making sure you write in plain English?

Submitted on Tuesday, October 20, 2009
By: Anonymous
Age: 29
Location: USA
Question: My husband of nearly 3 years does not want to have sex anymore. I have attempted to ask him what is wrong and he either blows me off, says he DOES want sex (which is contradictory to literally all of his behavior), walks out of the room, or comes up with a long list of excuses. I am so frustrated and am not getting any real answers. He assures me that it is not a physical problem, so is the problem me, another woman, or the relationship?

VictorM's advice:

It's impossible for me to say what it could be. The truth of the matter is that it could be any or all of the things you mentioned above. In addition, stress could be a major factor. Also, if he's in his early to mid thirties, it's not unusual for guys to go through dry periods sexually.

When did this start? Was it recent? How was it when you were dating and in the early stages of the marriage? How is your economic conditions? How secure is he in his job? Tell me a more.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 20, 2009
By: Lyna
Age: 20
Question: Hi Victor,

I currently am having a problem and I don't know what to do about it. Well I have always been book smart like I would understand the materials after it is first being taught to me but it turned out I am not street smart at all. In fact, I realized I am very stupid at dealing with people. It is very hard to admit this being the fact that I am booksmart. I tried not to think highly of myself but instead just be normal and do whatever I have to do.

It has been months since I had some trouble with this one guy friend. The same thing keeps occuring over and over. First, I met this guy friend who notice the things I do that are wrong so he told me about what I did in hoping that I understand but it turned out I use excuses such as i'm a slow learning, I am not good with confrontations, and etc. It turned out he got really mad like he can't believe I existed, called me stupid and blocks me online.

Several months later, we met again. He unblocked me and we decided to start over as being friends. I tried not to repeat what I did but I realized now that I have never understood what he really meant. I started understanding what type of person he is. I feel he's the type who thinks he's always right, and just keep making people feel bad, always telling people what he think they should do, and keeps saying they're weird or like he have this set theory of what he think is normal and what is considered weird. Pretty much I think bad of him. But somehow I still want to be friends. There are things he said that I get mad at because he's like telling me what to do. I keep bringing it up to him in hoping I get an answer of what is happening but he is always avoiding it. Until one time, I got mad at him over something stupid. I just can't stand how he keeps telling me I should do this, I shouldn't do this and always constantly correcting me. None of my friends does it. Me and him aren't close friends. I don't get what he is trying to do. When I ask him, he tells me I am overthinking the things he do. After several hours, I am fine again and I talk to him again.

Yesterday when I talk to him, we were fine. I was just asking him if he wants to meet up to study for this exam. Then he tells me he have to let me know something. He told me that I always get mad at him online and then when I come to my senses I talk to him as if nothing has happen and that he can't tolerate that. He told me something that really makes sense. He said, if you're planning to forget about it later, why cause it and be weird in front of him?

He spend an hour pretty much talking to me about it. The difference this time is that I didn't disagree with him. I would question him here and there but that's just mainly cuz I don't get it. I did something wrong. I talked to another friend about him. That other friend also knows him too but the purpose of me doing that is to just vent my anger out cuz I know that other friend isn't the type that takes side. I told him what that friend said that was wrong. I never said he is wrong or think he is wrong.

He told me I am being weird by telling another person about it.

Well the problem is I finally understand what he is trying to teach me. I end up having a different view of him. At first I thought he is just some mean jerk who is just being mean to me to tell me he dislike me or something. But it turned out, I feel he's being a good friend. His mouth is mean but the things he say have alot of good points. He has been trying to help me all along but it was me that didn't get his intentions. After realizing this, I feel very uncomfortable like I wanted to cry or bump my head into the wall for being so stupid. I feel like it takes me so long just to realize this and realized how stupid I am. I wanted to apologize to him but before I realize this, He told me "leave me alone, go bother someone else and that I have given you alot of my time already" Pretty much he feels he wasted a lot of time on me and in the end he thinks I don't get it.

There's so many things that he told me not to do like he told me, okay if someday you decide to stop this awkwardness, cool, just don't bring it up again and don't be weird anymore. That is all. He told me to never bring it up and just learn it in the lesson. I am currently at that stage where I learned the lesson and I will keep the things he say not to do in my not to do side of my brain but I feel really uncomfortable like I want to let him know I understand what he meant since he end the conversation by feeling like I am hopeless. I don't know what to do. If I apologize to him, that's also considered like bringing it up. I can't just talk to him like nothing has ever happen because he told me, If I am mad and then came to my senses, I can't talk to him that easily because he's not welcoming someone that has annoyed him to talk to him like it's nothing. So now I'm confused. I think he's mad at me. He didn't block me though so does that mean he still considered me as a friend? Will I be able to talk to him again? I don't even know how to approach him. We were planning to study together for the exam next monday. He pretty much told me what to do but how can he know that I have actually learn my lesson? If i stop being weird by not doing the things he told me to do, how can I talk to him again? I have to apologize don't I? I still want to keep this friend because I realized how good of a friend he actually is but I really don't know how to approach him. I don't know what to say. I just feel very very bad like I want to cry. What should I do to make the friendship better again? Do you think i'll be able to get another chance?

VictorM's advice:

He may be a friend, but he's a rude, impatient, selfish, arrogant asshole.

You're allowing his view of the world to dictate what is right and wrong, when in essence, he's the one who needs to learn about dealing with others.

No, he's not a good friend. No, you don't need him. Yes, your life would be better without his friendship.

Want to help yourself? Stop listening to the jerk. Stop seeking his approval.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 20, 2009
By: Leah
Age: 19
Location: Canada
Question: Ok normally I don't have a problem with guys but I recently started talking to a guy I knew from middle school and he has grown up :) hah anyways its awesome we have EVERYTHING in common, same songs, same everything, it's nuts... anyways me and him would just hang out and talk for hours literally every time he's off work. he'll call me or message me etc. which I thought was a good sign but the other night I brought a friend out with us and after we dropped her off he made a comment about her body like she has really big thighs and hips and I replied is that a bad thing? I'm not sure if he felt bad and was trying to save himself by saying no because after that I asked him if he wanted me to hook them up (I wanted to know how he was feeling). he said she's really cute and he leaned towards me and said but he didn't think she liked him and that was all he said about it...He would kind of flirt with her when we were out but he also called me beautiful and her sexy hah I sound like i'm sixteen again but I literally have no idea what this guys trying to give off.. there's hasn't been much physical touching cause I'm super sick but he'll always hug me at the end of the night...one more thing I picked up drunk the other night and he mentioned something about kissing me and I kind of laughed it off maybe he feels rejected from that?? i'm not sure but it would be great from some kind of advice! lol thank you

VictorM's advice:

You laughed off kissing him and volunteered to hook him with your friend... why don't you wear a sign on your head saying: "I'm not interested in you"? Because whether you mean it or not, that's how you've come across.

In any case, sounds like he's just a guy enjoying the company of females, flirting and touching when allowed, and not showing any signs of wanting to settle down with anyone at this time.

Submitted on Monday, October 19, 2009
By: Confused
Location: Alabama
Question: Okay, so I live in the middle of Alabama. A.K.A. Redneck , old fashioned country. I'm in love with a black man. He isn't like the wanna be pimps like most blacks are these days, he's sweet and funny and a true gentleman. But I can't seem to make my family and friends see that! What do I do??? Thank you so much in advance. :)

VictorM's advice:

"He isn't like the wanna be pimps like most blacks are these days." Most black men are like that? What planet do you live in? Oh yeah, redneck Alabama. I can see you are a product of your own racist upbringing.

Your family aren't the only ones that need a major adjustment about race -- you do too.

Submitted on Monday, October 19, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 21
Location: Florida
Question: My boyfriend recently went out of town to visit his best friend and he met a girl. I found out about it because he used my computer and logged onto his facebook where she requested to be his friend. He accepted and sent her a message. He said he met her at a bar and they had been talking but then she disappeared which is why he said he asked her what happened (not because he was drunk, which is what I originally thought) It turns out this girl is also a playboy model and he got her number. We've been together almost 2 years. Should I be okay with him getting other girl's numbers?

VictorM's advice:

A playboy model? Um... and what do you suppose he wants to stay in touch with her for? To come up with a way to solve world hunger? Come on!

No, you should not be OK with him getting other girls' numbers. He can't possibly have any good intentions towards your relationship when he does that.

Lots of times guys do that just to feed their ego and have no intention of following up, but if your guy has that sort of need now, you will have greater problems down the road.

Submitted on Monday, October 19, 2009
By: Katy
Age: 22
Location: PA
Question: OK so there is this guy. And I have been pretty much head over heels for this guy since I was like 14. We have dated a couple times, but we (and by we I mean me) were too young to make it work right. The feelings were too intense, and more than we (and by we I mean me) could handle at the time. I wound up hurting him REALLY badly. Now I see him 3 times a week at the train station, and I want to talk to him. But I don't know if he would want to talk to me. It has been 3 years since I have seen him. And in that 3 years I have grown up a lot. I learned way more about myself than on person should in such a short time. My question is how do I approach him, and ask him out. Or better yet, should I approach him, or should I just leave well enough alone. I think we could make it work this time. But I don't know that for sure. I don't know if I should chance hurting him again, or if I could even go through hurting him again. HELP!!!!

VictorM's advice:

I see no point in giving up, but I also think that approaching him now and ask him out may be rushing things. Going full steam ahead might just give him the impression that you're still the same impetuous teenager that drove him crazy years ago.

Do you know about his life now? Is he married, or does he have a girlfriend?

Why don't you just start with a smile and a "hi, Jim" (use his name, it makes a difference), and gauge his reaction after that. Proceed to small conversations and try to ascertain what's going on in his life.

Submitted on Monday, October 19, 2009
By: Kailyn
Age: 19
Location: Illinois
Question: Here's the deal. I met this guy about 9 months ago. We met at a party and ended up making out. Yeah I know, totally romantic. But yeah, since then... we've become pretty good friends. We used to occasionally hook up, but haven't done so in months. Lately we've just been hanging out together every now and then. So I guess now we are just considered friends, but sometimes I feel like there is something more there. We hug every time we see each other. And every time we leave each other. We have the best conversations and we can't deny we are attracted to each other. Sometimes just the way he looks at me, or they way he seems kind of nervous/excited when we first meet up makes me think he might have deeper feelings. I know I can't jump to conclusions from these little signs. But what is there that I can look for that might signify that he likes me more than just a friend?

VictorM's advice:

Generally guys don't seek out girls purely for friendship, and since you've gone the make-out route, that statement is even more true in this case. So, we can safely assume that he likes you as more then just friends. The question is: does he like you enough to want more than just friendship? And the answer appears to be no. At least not at this time.

Many guys are satisfied with a happy medium of being around a girl they find attractive and like without having to feel that they are giving up their freedom to do as they please.

Submitted on Monday, October 19, 2009
By: Josie
Age: 19
Location: New Mexico
Question: I hope you answer my question, I've submitted before and never heard anything! Anyways where do i begin? There is this guy i met when i was in the 9th grade we totally clicked, became friends, and eventually dated. He was a few years older then me so we were only dating for a while when he left for college. We broke up cause of the distance. When he came back for good, a year later we just clicked and dated a second time. After about 5 months we broke up again, this time over some he said she said crap. We both go to church and that is where we met, so when we dated it seemed like everyone knew our business. Probably a month or so after that he started to write and tell me sorry. I was incredibly hurt because he was the one who broke up with me so i decided to give him the cold shoulder. I started talking to another guy and my ex found out and got hurt. People started talking and telling him i had cheated on him and so on. So we lost all contact. Two years past and in June we started chatting again. At first it was supposed to be just friends, and it was. But then we started talking about how everything had happened and how we still cared for one another. I know it sounds great, like maybe it was always meant to work out but there is another problem. He is dating someone else right now. I totally understand that but i don't get why he tells me they are not happy. He tells me she cheats on him and that he doesn't love her that it’s not at that point. And also he was close to where i live a few weeks ago and we hung out. I didn’t know if it was the right thing so i did, hesitantly. He talked and watched movies like old times. And he kissed me. I of course kissed him back but objected, more cause of his girlfriend. So if he feels this way then why does he stay with her? Is he just telling me this to make me feel bad for him, or is it cause he wants me to offer him a relationship so he can end the one he is in? I really care for him and think it’s incredible we still care for one another after so long, but am i just fooling myself? And how to i tell him, how do i talk to him about it without sounding like i am making everything in his life my business? I hope you can get back to me with your opinion, thanks!!

VictorM's advice:

I don't know if you're missing words or I'm too dense, but I can't make out what you're trying to say here: "After about 5 months we broke up again, this time over some he said she said crap."

Anyway, unless and until he breaks up with his girlfriend, everything he tells you and does with you is manipulative bullshit. You'd be a fool to fall for it.

You think "it’s incredible we still care for one another after so long". Really? If you cared for each other so much you wouldn't be in this predicament. It sounds to me more like you don't care about each other enough, otherwise you wouldn't have broken up twice and both participated in cheating on his girlfriend.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: Worried
Question: My boyfriend and I are in love. He spends most of his minutes talking to me so now I'm in his top five. He's number one on myspeed dial (the signs of true love! LOL). He will kiss me in public and hold hands and just touch me all the time. But considering we’re in college he has his stupid guy friends. They all come up with this 'list'. It has about twenty or so things on it with sick things like 'farting in public' 'whispering I got a boner when you hug someone' 'kissing random girls' and my favorite 'number six a random girl'. When I saw this list of shit, I told my bf about how I thought it was stupid and childish. He gets defensive and mad saying that I didn't own him and he could do what he wants. So not wanting to start anything I just grin and bear it. But every time I call he doesn't answer and when be calls me back, he says he's got to go and that he’ll call me when he can. No calls. So now my friends are telling me to break up with him, but if he still feels the way he did (he's pursued me for three years) then I couldn't break his heart. Advice? Break up or Make up? If it's any help, the rare times we talk nasty rap songs like Best I Ever Had, Sexy Can I, Birthday Sex and Lollipop come on the radio. :)

VictorM's advice:

You didn't write down your age, so I'll just assume you're 12 or so. :-p

Neither one of you seems ready for a relationship. I suggest you stick with Barbie and Ken, and let him go free so that he can do his burping in public.

No, it's not a sign of anything. He knows how you feel about him; if he felt the same way about you, he'd say so. He has a girlfriend, and she's not you. There's a reason for that.

Much of what he tells you falls into the category of pleasantries, nothing else.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: Kristy
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: I have a ex boyfriend we were together for a year and change. And we have been seeing each other. Having sex, texting everyday, and spending time together. We want to get back together but get things settled first so we agree to only see each other no one else. But I’m always busy with things so when I want to spend time with him it’s always a fight cause he wants to be with his friends. I get we aren’t together but I feel I have to penciled in twice a month when I’m the one with more things on my plate. If I do this to him I will hear slick comments and receive the cold shoulder for that whole weekend. Am I being too needy or is this unfair?

VictorM's advice:

You are not even back together and you're fighting? Are you kidding?!

You both seem to place higher priority in other things than each other. That's a prescription for disaster.

This is not about being needy; it's about not being ready to share life with a partner.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: Jenny
Age: 14
Location: Canada
Question: Hello. Okay - so I like 2 guys. I'll explain them both. 1. Me and my friend, Sarah, both like Kurtis. And Sarah seriously makes it known, but me - not so much. She knows I like him, and we got in a fight, so she told a guy, Tyler, who told the whole class - literally yelled it out to the class. Kurtis heard, obviously, but he pretended he didn't. And if Tyler ever says it in front of me and him, Kurtis will laugh and say "Tyler shut up." Kurtis now knows that me and Sarah both like him, he knows it bothers me that sarah is always flirting (sarah told Tyler and Tyler told the class) and Kurtis told me that he doesn’t like Sarah, but ever since he found out i liked him - he's always flirting with Sarah. But today he messaged me on msn, and asked "what’s for homework?" and i answered. But its like he was trying to carry on the conversation... what do you think it means? 2. I also like Michael. And a few days ago, we always messaged each other, we talked a lot, and I thought he liked me, and my friends and me were talking and i decided i was gonna ask him out later in the week. But I was messaging him, and he all of a sudden stopped messaging me. I've tried sending him messages, but he hasn't replied. And I know he's online, but he hasn't messaged me back and it's been 3 days. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Kurtis is now playing games with you and Michael might had fallen in a ditch or something.

Next time, don't let a guy know you like him, just give him some hints, but nothing more.

Well, you like 2 boys. I'm sure if you look around you can like a few more.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: elizabeth
Age: 18
Location: vermont
Question: So I work with this guy and we have been super flirty through aim and facebook chat. We pretty much already had a version of phone sex over aim. He's admitted to dreaming about us having sex, etc. At work its different though and I'm not sure how to act. We still talk and joke around and give hugs hello and goodbye but I want it to be more than that. I almost feel like I'm more flirty with other guys there than I am with him. But I don't want to be really forward with him if it was just a one time thing. I don't know what he's thinking and I wish I did!

VictorM's advice:

He's thinking about one thing and one thing only: sex! And if you think that means he's in love with you or wants a relationship with you, you're living in fantasy land. Besides, you've given him the green light to expect just sex with your attitude and the cybersex. If you think that was a selling point in being taken seriously, again, you're living in fantasy land.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: Leigh
Age: 54
Location: Mississsippi
Question: Why does a guy just want to do e-mails instead of phone calls?

VictorM's advice:

1. Cheaper.
2. More practical (gives you more time to say the right thing).
3. He can much more easily maintain several relationships via emails than he can via phone.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: Lily
Age: 20
Location: Sterling, CO
Question: I've been dating this man since June and I love him. We're sensible together, and after talking about it for hours on end we decided to move in together. But there are a few things I worry about- a) his memory sucks, b) he's a stoner, and c) he doesn't really think about the important things like rent- he spent most of his paycheck on weed... But I love him so much, when he is here and not stoned we have the most fun together... I'm just worried that one day I'm going to lose it and do something I'll regret. What can I do to keep the happy parts of my relationship intact?

VictorM's advice:

"I love him so much" is code language for "I'm as weak as he is." Weed is his drug and yours is weakness. So you play the "if only" game (IF he wasn't this or that he'd be perfect) as a cop out. You're two flawed people, each blame something else for your troubles, yet blind to each other's weaknesses. No, you're not sensible together. You are enablers. And by yourself, you're an idiot if you consider moving in with this guy. Really, you are.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: stephanie
Age: 28
Location: virginia
Question: why is it when my husband wants sex he hasn't been willing to give me the affection i need to help get me in the mood? he gets mad at me and says, it's all about what you want; then he ignores me, i guess his way of punishing me, and he becomes criticizing, and negative. i'm not rejecting him, i just need affection. when he came on to me the other morning he just pulled off my underwear and wanted to just go right into it without even acknowledging the hey, i'm right here, i need like a kiss or something!! then i'd be willing to help him out instead he got angry and pissed off because i told him i just wanted a kiss first. i don't get it i just don't want to feel like a hole for him to screw but a person, his wife. i know quickies are quickies but come on!! is it just me or what could you say about this?

VictorM's advice:

It's not just you. Your complaint if a fairly common one. Guys are very goal oriented, and the fastest way to cum (the goal) is to go straight to coitus.

Your husband is the type of man who things of sex as just physical pleasure, he doesn't see it as romance or love making. I suspect affection is not something that he shows often, or if he does, he does it when leading to sex is not in play.

I ask the female readers to chime in with some advice for Stephanie because I think that changing such a man is no easy task and I have no words of wisdom to share.

Submitted on Sunday, October 18, 2009
By: Lee
Age: 23
Location: South Africa
Question: I met the guy in question late last year. Nothing happened then because I was still nursing a broken heart from a previous relationship. Nonetheless he remained patient until I was ok. In May this year we finally hooked up. He called daily, visited me every weekend (We live in different cities) for two weeks. Then he just stopped calling. He still answers my calls and replies to my texts. Why won't he just break up with me so I can get closure? He claims all is ok.

VictorM's advice:

Why don't you break-up with him so that you get closure? Why is it his responsibility to do your work for you? Come on, you're not a vegetable. You can make your own decisions based on how you're feeling.

Submitted on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: Kaelyn
Age: 18
Location: Singapore
Question: I have crush on this guy for a few months. We got to know of each other on MSN, through a friend. When we just knew each other, he would always tease me and even giving me nicknames. He also used to text me every morning. After some time, it toned down. So I took the initiative the text him instead. I also found out that he liked someone else from his church, but was being rejected. Until 2 months ago, a few incidents made me quite confused about how he feels about me: 1. When we were busying preparing for exams, he decided to study with me instead of his friends/classmates. The places we studied together so happens to be places he said he couldn't concentrate (when he tried studying there for the past exams). So I asked him why he decided to study with me, he said they would always play so he couldn't study with them. He also mentioned to me briefly about one of his ex, who happens to be my senior. 2. He did mention to me before that he doesn’t have gf, so he wouldn’t go to cinemas, but we went out for movies 4 times; the first two times was initiated by him (he reasoned that he wants to take his mind of some issues). The last movie we went to watch was a romance movie, which I initially thought that he would refuse it. 3. Usually I would be the one asking him out for breakfast, but recently there were a few times he asked me out instead. He now started to text me every morning again, but we text less frequently during the day now. Recently he is very depressed. So I don’t know if he is interested in me or I am thinking too much, he just needs a friend by his side? Any suggestion how I can help him too? Something I am puzzled. He is facing some problem back at home. He tells me vaguely, but told another friend (female) in a little more details. Why is this so?

VictorM's advice:

This much seems pretty obvious: he likes your company. It's doubtful that his interest in you is just for friendship, but that doesn't mean he's ready or willing at this point to be more than a friendly companion. Enjoying a girl's company won't always lead to a relationship. Sometimes it is the loose connection with that girl that makes things fun for a guy.

But when it comes to a serious relationship, guys like things to develop slowly. That seems to be where he's at.

Submitted on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: MAri
Age: 18
Location: tx
Question: what does it mean when i'm talking to a guy i like and he talks back but then it gets quiet to the point where its just awkward. is he bored by me or what? or is he shy?

VictorM's advice:

It doesn't have to be either. Sometimes there are lulls in any conversation. You should learn to accept those moments as normal. In fact, there's a saying that you measure how good two people are comfortable with each other by how comfortable they share moments of silence.

Try to find out what the boy is passionate about and ask him questions about those topics. You may never shut him after that.

Submitted on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: Blonde Blue
Age: 13
Question: OK this is kinda personal but I have acne and it is noticeable. I mean it is not like it covers my whole entire face (knock on wood) but it’s mostly on my forehead and chin. Would guys find you unattractive about it? I mean I am pretty but my acne hides some of it. I do cover it up as much as I can but what do guys think? Like should I have it not covered up or covered up so it’s like my skin color and not as red?? Thnkx Victor!!!!

VictorM's advice:

Well, some of the boys will mind and some won't care at all. But that's no different if you're short or tall, have big boobs or no boobs, are dark skinned or light skinned, etc, etc... some guys will like you for a million and one reasons, and some will not like you for a million and one reasons.

You should do whatever is best according to your doctor to control the acne the best way possible. Worrying about what this one boy or that boy might think it's a waste of time because you can do all kinds or weird things to your face to hide the acne and they may not like you because you're blonde blue, or some other odd reason.

Submitted on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: Kacey
Age: 24
Location: NYC
Question: Hi, Victor. I'm a med student presently rotating through different departments at my institution. I've had a major crush on this surgical intern that I met about a month or so ago. Since then, we say "hi" briefly when we see each other in the hallway, and on a number of occasions, if one isn't too busy at the time have caught up for about 5 minutes. He seems pretty shy/awkward in general, but super nice and warm. About two weeks ago, we were on call on the same day, and I asked him if he had time for a coffee break later on that night. He ended up paging me hours later to have coffee when his schedule freed up, but I was swamped w/ patients in the ER at the time. Long story short, recently, I ran into him outside of the hospital at 10pm grabbing greasy Chinese food after a long day, and we sat in his car chatted for a bit while exchanging weekend plans. I invited him to watch an old foreign movie with me this weekend since for the first time in a month he was not going to be on call Friday or sat night, though he may still leave the hospital pretty late. He sounded pretty excited about it and said, "that would be cool as hell"! I gave him my number and told him to call me around then. I paged him Friday to lay down something semi concrete so i could plan the rest of my weekend as well. Well, no phone call, no page, no text at all this weekend. Maybe he got really busy with patient stuff (believable bc it happens to me all the time); maybe he was so tired from his month marathon of no free time that his free time turned into an errand and coma/catch-up-sleep weekend (also very believable) more than hanging out with a medical student who likes him; maybe he forgot (egh); or maybe he's not interested and was too shy to turn my movie invite down? I'm kind of embarrassed for some reason now, and don't know how to act around him next week.... Where would you suggest I go from here? I feel like I've dropped my share of hints already. Is he remotely interested? I thought he was.... but now I'm not sure anymore. I know he's busy (surgery days run from 5am- 10 pm often) but how much of a window of allowance should i give someone like him before i should know that it's less they're busy schedule and more a lack of interest? It's not often at all I like someone let alone feel potential for a connection, but I don't want to waste my time....or make a fool of myself. Thanks much!

VictorM's advice:

Considering that you can think of a few believable reasons for him not showing up or calling, why not just mentioning that you understand the circumstances and you're giving him a rain check to watch the movie. But leave it up to him to follow up. If he does, great; if he doesn't, you know he's not interested.

It's possible that having failed to show up or call you, that he feels bad about it and won't risk being yelled at or turned down by asking for a second chance. By providing that chance, you remove this option from the equation.

Submitted on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: Jen
Age: 21
Location: --
Question: Hey..this is a complicated one. A distant guy contacted me once asking for a favour which i didn’t have the skills to offer, then he started texting more and having conversations and once he showed up at my door without my knowledge and that whilst texting me! but i was out anyways so.. then a few months later...there are a lot of gap periods between his calls and text..he texted me a fwd invitation to his performance. I ignored it, didn’t want to go..then he asked me if i had received it.i said ya but not coming..and he texted back, why not!! I said too much smoke..he replied back 'lol'. then a couple months later..he sent a msg asking 'does anyone have any nice plans for tonight'..i didn’t reply was too busy..then a week later on a weekend sent a direct text to me asking if I’m doing anything today.. didn’t reply then when summer vacation came..i asked him if he needed anything..he texted back and said...he let out a lol and said that if i were his lawyer, he would be executed by now.' very sarcastic way of replying back. but that’s not all he contacted me months later..asking for some favour that i said no to many times...then a couple months after that...went to his sis dinner party..he didn’t even say hi to me although i could have sworn he saw me but did not approach me for whatever reason..a couple months after that...at a family dinner party...he came and shook hands n said oh heyy with an appreciative smile..then on the dinner table didn’t even say anything..there was another guy sitting in between...so and everyone was mingling..a month passed and he sent a happy new year text and a month later he didn’t text but he called up at night and i saw it as a missed call so never called him back..my question, if you reject someone a favour for a zillion times..would they still come to you especially when it spans for 2 years now? or did he use that excuse? is there a sign that he has fallen for me but I’m not quite seeing it? It’s annoying, so give me advice as I’ll know how to deal with his random approaches.

VictorM's advice:

This has nothing to do with love. You basically have entered into his proverbial little black book and he's going to contact you from time to time just because. Just because what? Well, just in case. Just in case what? I don't know... some guys like having a long list of girls to call once in a while. It feeds their ego. Basically, that's what you are -- ego food. But wouldn't you rejecting him and turning him down would turn him off? Not really. You've become a game, a challenge, a little mystery to solve.

If these infrequent and random contacts bother you and ignoring him doesn't satisfy you, be direct -- ask him to stop contacting you. Tell him to remove you from his list.

Submitted by () on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: sarah
Age: 23
Location: india
Question: hey there is a guy who stalks me everywhere i go. he uses his friends also in stalking me when he is at his office. he is my neighbour and we have friendly relations with his family. two year before he had sent a marriage proposal for me. but my family said that i was too young to marry. i want to know is he really so much in love with me or is he mad or dangerous. thank you

VictorM's advice:

Quite often a guy may just show his interest in an awkward way, but when you say he uses his friends to check up on you, that's not a good sign at all. This is not a sign of interest or love; it's a sign of control.

Submitted on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: Confused
Location: South
Question: Ok how do you know if your ex and you should get back together. The issues that broke us up we have both spent time working on. When we see each other it is always positive. We still flirt. Neither one of us has really moved on. I have gone on several dates -- all were miserable. He says he hasn't dated and checking with friends it's the truth. He still says he is in love with me. I feel the same. But I'm a bit nervous that it may go bad again. He is too. Is this just because it’s comfortable or can it be new and fresh start

VictorM's advice:

So what if you get back together and you break-up again? You broke up before and it didn't kill you. In fact, you're still friendly. So, try again. It's better than sitting around wondering.

Now, you say you have been working on the issues that broke you up. I don't know what that means, but if you haven't made sufficient progress, there's a good chance you will break up again. But even if you do, it'll be easier to deal with than the to carry on with the current uncertainty.

Submitted on Saturday, October 17, 2009
By: Sallee
Age: 28
Location: usa
Question: Ok I have a feeling I have been completely used but I’m getting about 50/50 from my friends and family so I thought I would ask you... My ex and I have been still dating with him telling me he wants to get back together but first he needs to get through all this stuff at work and needs to work on himself and the issues that cause us to break up. We both have been working on those different issues and making progress. Well I had tickets to a sold out concert since before we broke up (it is his favorite band we went and saw). I suggested we go together since that was the original plan. We had a great time even met up with friends after the show. He told one of my friend while we were out that its obvious that “I’m in love with her I just need to work on myself if it is ever to work.” He stayed the night (no sex) and in the morning we cuddled under a blanket and watched movie with him saying "I really miss doing this with you. When he left he kissed me and said "i love You". he sent me a text that said " thank you for last night. I love you." I returned the text "Had a great time. I love you " Mind you we have text or talked on the phone everyday since our break up. And have seen each other once or twice a week. Now it’s been 5 days and not a word from him. I am starting to think I got used for the concert tickets. I have sent a couple of text saying " How’s your day" " printing off pics of the concert do you want copies" still no word... One school of thought from my friends is he is trying to process everything and feeling overwhelmed and needed to back off . The other school of thought he got to see the concert he has wanted to go to for over a year and now he doesn't need me for anything. The guy friends are the ones telling me he is probably overwhelmed, female friends saying I got used. I don’t know what to think other than I am hurt and a bit angry. Why say this stuff to my friends and me then run away. I would love to hear your take on things you give great advice

VictorM's advice:

I don't know the guy, so I can't say if he's that calculative, but I think there's a good chance that he was overwhelmed by the moment -- the concert, the friends, the cuddling, etc. -- and then he realized that those actions run counter to what he's trying to do.

Let's not forget that even when talking to your friend he mentioned the need to work on himself, and he's indicated that to you as well, before resuming a relationship with you. Sounds to me like he's just retreating to that plan, after realizing he was getting drawn in to something he's trying to avoid for now.

As a rule of thumb, ignore your female friends advice. They know jack shit about what a guy thinks, and generally give each other the worst advice, even when their intentions are good.

Bottom line: you asked him to the concert because YOU wanted to; you cuddled watching movies because YOU wanted it. So drop the "getting used" defense. It's a cheap attempt at refusing to take responsibility for your own actions.

You can be cynical about him and feel used, but you know him best, so you decide.

Submitted on Friday, October 16, 2009
Age: 26
Question: I have a guy friend who keeps me away from his girlfriend (who he has never actually called his girlfriend when he talks about her, but he's listed as 'in a relationship' with her on facebook; they've been going out for a few months). Whenever she comes to visit him, he won't let me come over unless she's not at his house, but whenever she's not in town, he lets me come over whenever I want. He flirts with me, does favors for me all the time, and recently has started hugging me every time I see him. A bunch of my friends are convinced he likes me but I'm not, mostly due to the fact that we have known each other for a year but he has never asked me out. Does he really see me as friend?

VictorM's advice:

He may see you as a friend, but he clearly has ulterior motives, which may even be just fantasy, but pure friendship this isn't. Why would he do this? Well, he has her for a once in a while kinda thing, he has you the rest of the time to enjoy your company. Why risk the cool arrangement?

I know, you girls think that a good thing is a relationship; guys do not feel the same way. The status quo suits him fine. He gets no sex from you, but he has no responsibilities with you either. For guys, that's often a pretty good trade off.

Submitted on Thursday, October 15, 2009
By: kendra
Age: 19
Location: north carolina
Question: i dated this guy for 6 months. the relationship was really good, we hardly ever fought. the only time we fought was when i didn’t see him for more then a day. if i was out spending time with my girls and decided to stay more then one night with her he would beg me to come home to see him. toward the end of the relationship i realized i wouldn’t be able to get anything done, such as getting a job and things of that sort. Every time i would go to fill out applications or something he would want me to come to his house instead of doing what i should have been doing. then it turned into "i wasn’t trying to get a job, i wanted him to support me and i wasn’t seeing the big picture." i know i should have been doing what i needed to get done instead of putting him first every time. i decided to end the relationship with that and thought maybe you know we could get back together when i got the things done that i needed to accomplish first. before i could break up with him he got off the phone with me. he knew it was coming and said he had to go, he calls me the next day and says he thinks we need to break up. i told him i agree, because i needed to handle things. he then tells me he doesn’t get the "fuzzies" from me anymore. i was like okay that’s fine and then he was like okay let promise this is the only and last time we will ever date. we didn’t talk for two months.. we finally ran into each other and started talking again. We’re really good friends now, he calls me for advice when he has problems in his life. and just text me at least every other day to see how I’m doing. things of that sort. I’ve heard from his best friend that he’s now "messing around" with two different girls and this isn’t the first occasion, my ex has called me and told me who he’s involved with and everything. he’s treating girls really bad now. his friend even said he is. it was also mentioned that he didn’t start treating girls badly until after me. what does this mean? I’m not sure if i had something to do with the way he’s treating girls... or if maybe he’s treating them badly because he still has feelings for me? I’m confused. a friend told me they think the reason he is doing it to girl is in fact that he does still have feelings for me and doesn’t want to get involved with another girl like he was with me? help, i still have feelings for him...

VictorM's advice:

You may not see it because you're blinded by the feelings that you describe as "love" but let's face it, from the little that you told us about him, he's a jerk. He's just being himself with those other girls. Eventually they'll want to break up with him, just like you did.

Submitted on Thursday, October 15, 2009
By: Jenny
Age: 22
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Question: No current relationship. I have a big crush. That is all. The boy, met him social dancing. We are both great dancers (lots of chem.). He flirts a lot (touches/holds my waist, not only while dancing, finds ways to gently touch my lower thighs, stares at me in the eyes, watches me dance from across the room, warms my hands when they are cold, and makes sure to give me hugs before I leave). That said, I get a vibe from him, but I give him no indication I am interested. I believe if he is interested he will make a move. Recently he started dating another girl seriously, but that ended quickly, and I was out with him the other night and he acted the same as usual but hit on another girl at the place we were at. Am I crazy to think he might be interested? Just Curious.

VictorM's advice:

Well, if he's interested, he sure has a funny way of showing it.

Just because a guy enjoys flirting and touching a girl, it doesn't mean he wants anything more. I'd be shocked if you're the only dance partner with whom he does that stuff. It's quite likely that his actions say more about the kind of person he is than they say about any specific interest in you.

But, quite often, interest develops from these types of good times that a couple shares. It may yet lead to more.

Submitted on Thursday, October 15, 2009
By: cecelia
Age: 19
Location: college
Question: my problem is probably not something you could help me with but we'll give it a shot anyway. I'm 19, physically. More like 27-ish mentally and emotionally. I don't drink, party, or cause chaos and never have and never even wondered what it would be like to party. I think that's a good thing but it seems like when I meet men I try to take the relationship way too fast. It seems like my mind is telling me to hurry and settle down with someone and it ends up ruining the relationship. Even though those relationships probably weren't worth saving, do you have any advice on how I can just take dating like normal people my age? And also, some places where I might could meet guys that have any potential at all, I live in a very rural area where there is absolutely nothing at all to do.

VictorM's advice:

Your attitude about rushing a relationship is sadly, far too common among girls. And as you have found out, it usually back fires. This is not a case about you having to stop considering a relationship important, it's really more about employing a strategy that produces better results.

For example, if you were going for a job interview and someone told you that Jim Jones, the person who's going to interview you does not like people referring to him by his first name, you'd refer to him as Mr. Jones, right? It's just a matter of doing what you think you can to impress the other person. So, if you're dating a guy, think of the strategy that works best to give you the best shot at getting a fair chance to impress him.

From a guy's point of view, understand that rushing to a relationship with someone you don't know very well is nutty. For example, if you want to buy a house, you don't just look at the pictures of the house, see the price, decide you can afford it, and sign a contract, right? You'd want to walk through the house, flush the toilet, open the closest, hire a professional to check the structure, negotiate the price, get the lowest loan possible, etc, and chances are that you still would want to look at some other houses, just to make sure. All of these things you want to do BEFORE you sign the contract.

Guys see a relationship in similar terms. They want to go out with you several times, have dinner, hang out, go to a movie, see your wardrobe, how often you change your hairstyle, etc. and maybe even check out some other girls, before they are ready to commit their lives away with you.

So, don't change your attitude about a relationship -- it is serious and something you want. That's fine. Just get smart about the best way to get there and consider what works best as far as the guy is concerned. After all, his needs and wants matter too.

Submitted on Thursday, October 15, 2009
By: Alice
Age: 20
Location: Idaho
Question: A few weeks ago I ran into a guy acquaintance, of a mutual friend at his place of work. (We had only hung out a couple of times before.) We just said hi and then went on with our business. The next morning I received a text message from a number I didn't recognize, it turns out it was him. I never have found out how he got my number. After that we started talking a little just casual but he always wanted to hang out. One night I ended up going over to his house very late and fell asleep in his bed with him. I barely dosed off when he started to kiss me. Things started to get very hot when he decided to get up. When he got up all he said was "don't leave," but when he returned to bed we both just fell asleep. The next day he acted like he didn't want me to go. So after that I didn't think much of anything and we would talk occasionally. I went over to his place again to hang out and we kissed a little, and when I went to leave he wanted me to stay the night but I couldn't. A few days later he asked me to come over because he had stayed home from work because he was sick and wanted me to come keep him company. When I got to his place he wasn't really sick so we just kind of hung out together. Again we started to kiss and things got very hot, almost to the point I thought we would have sex, when he got a phone call from a friend and he left to take it. When he came back in the room he just put in a movie so I left a few minutes later. After that time we didn't talk for a very long time and he wouldn't respond to any text messages. All I really heard from him was a couple of very weird forwards and he invited me to a party but told me to bring my girls with me. I am so confused about all of this because in the first week he acted like he was into me but everything has been shady. I have never experienced anything like this with any guy I've known and I need some answers. What does this sort of behavior mean? I feel like I am a crazy person because now I think about him all the time.

VictorM's advice:

When a girl makes a bigger effort to be with the guy than the guy makes to be with her, that relationship is not going to end well 999 times out of a 1000. The odds get even worse if you basically become a booty call. That's because such girls convey neediness, impatience, and lack of self respect, hardly the traits a guy is looking for in a serious partner. The guy may stick around for a while to enjoy the fruits of her easy willingness, but in fact, the relationship is doomed. It's just a matter of time.

Next time make a guy work for your attention, make a guy work for your attention, make a guy work for your attention.

Submitted on Thursday, October 15, 2009
By: Karen
Age: 14
Location: London
Question: How do you let go of someone that you really like?

VictorM's advice:

There is no magic potion. It takes time. Time is the best healer.

You can help: focus on yourself (treat yourself well, eat better, change your hairstyle, buy new clothes), make new memories (go to new malls, play different video games, go to different movie houses, make new friends, etc.), change your routines (the time you get up and go to sleep, walk through different streets, where you sit at the dinner table, etc.)

Do every you can to keep your mind on new things and new people. But be patient. It takes time.

Submitted on Thursday, October 15, 2009
By: Sabrina
Age: 24
Location: New Orleans
Question: Hi Vic! I don't need advice about a guy, but rather about what to do with my friend because of a guy. A guy friend of mine came from out of town Tuesday to visit me and my bff. He has a huge crush on her and she knows it. He brought his brother along, whom I spoke with about 3 times over the phone, but never knew what he looked like until Tuesday. She had seen my guy friend maybe twice before in person and several times on the internet. She travels around the state a lot for her job so she was even planning to go to dinner with him when she was in his town. I will admit he is a heavyset guy, but very sweet and cute. The problem is that as he and his brother were on their way here, she calls me and says that she has a feeling his brother might be the cuter of the two. It was pretty much clear that she was my guy friend's "date" and I was his brother's. The brother turned out to be cuter, but not drop dead gorgeous or anything. So we go to dinner and the whole night she is flirting with my date and then after dinner pulls me to the side to "confess" that she likes him. I wasn't mad per se, but I was upset at the fact that she didn't even ask ME if I liked him nor did she consider the fact that he might like me. She just immediately tried to take the guy for herself! I felt like she was trying to step on my toes and cockblock me. Should I confront her about that or just let it go? Another issue that happened the same night was as we were in the car (we all rode in one car) she started cursing at me and trying to talk down me, which I felt she was trying to do because she was trying to embarrass me in front of the guy. She asked if they wanted to go back to her house and have some drinks. I don't drink so I asked what could I get and drink and she was like: "You're ass ain't getting ****." That I'm definitely correcting her on, but you think I'm overrating about the guy thing?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like she was inconsiderate that night. Maybe she just didn't think things through, maybe she never considered that you'd like his brother, or maybe she had a couple of drinks too many... still, if she is your best friend, you ought to at least share your point of view, and equally importantly, listen to hers. She might have been operating under totally different assumptions than you were. This might be a misunderstanding more than willfully stepping on your toes.

In guy world this would not be a problem: both of you girls would be wide open game and whoever gets there first is the winner.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: elena
Age: 20
Location: nyc
Question: Victor, What is love..and how do you know when you are in love?

VictorM's advice:

Scott Peck thinks romantic love is a lie. A phony baloney device concocted by romance novel publishers, movie producers, and commercial makers to sell us more shit. And you girls buy it by the boat load. So basically... Love is a gimmick by which you girls get diamond rings and other expensive shit.

Guys are in love when they can't get sex without saying they love you.

Too cynical? :-p

Catch me in another mood and I may give you another answer.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Lindsay
Age: 22
Location: Quebec
Question: I have a question about my best friend. We have been friends for almost 3 years (we met at university) and I feel like our relationship is changing. We are together almost everyday of the week (although we do nothing sexual AT ALL), we talk about everything and we are getting an apartment together in a few months. He's done things like kiss my hand/head, call me pet names and such, but he might just be friendly. SOOOOOOOO what do you think? Is he just shy? Does he not want to wreck our friendship? Help!

VictorM's advice:

He wouldn't be doing all of those things for the sake of friendship but I don't think shyness is the reason he's holding back. There is great pleasure in enjoying a girl's company without the pressure of being a boyfriend, even if it means no sex. His interest in you may never rise to the level of wanting a relationship, but he's probably not worried about that for now.

Unlike girls, who place a high value in having a boyfriend, guys seldom feel that pressure to have a girlfriend; we place a higher value in being able to roam freely.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: jessica,
Age: 16
Location: ok,tulsa
Question: okay, well i met my guy through my best friend. he's my best friends brother, we met two years ago and got together for 4 months then broke-up. and just been friends since. until now we have been together for a month now. well getting to my question, what does it mean when he tells me he loves me talks to me about his past and this is stuff he never is open with anyone about. but when he leaves he hardly txt me or calls, he says its cause he doesn't know what to talk about i mean hel txt me every now and then that he's thinking about me and just wants me to know but some times he won't talk to me all day. what's up?

VictorM's advice:

It means he’s a fairly normal male. Text, phone, and email are evil devices that should be abolished in the world of romance. Guys hate those things because we’re very singled-focus, practical, and physical. Those devices run counter to everything we’re like.

And just for future reference, do not make the mistake of correlating a man's feelings with his texting habits. Scoundrels who only want you for your body could text you all day long. It proves nothing.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Marie
Age: 27
Location: PA
Question: Essentially my question revolves around how likely it is a man would want to try dating someone again? I don't believe my situation is particularly unique, but I am almost embarrassingly inexperienced with these things. I dated a guy for about a month and I thought all was well. Unfortunately he decided to end it...saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship (recovering broken heart) and he was worried about having some mutual friends and that we had conflicting priorities (he's older- though in a month how much do you really know?). We have made an effort to remain friends and have actually gotten closer without the dating pressure. Do you think it is possible he would be interested in trying again? Unfortunately I am not letting go as easily.

VictorM's advice:

It’s possible, but not likely. All those excuses really mean: “I’m not into you romantically.”

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Rhiannon
Age: Fourteen
Location: Missouri
Question: Okayy, here’s the story. I got REALLY drunk one night and lost my virginity to a boy a barely knew. In the same night I also had sex with another boy. I don't have problems with this anymore but, recently I had my first time having sex sober and afterward i just left the boys house. We didn't even talk about it. [I forgot to mention that me and this boy were mad at each other, and always being mean to each other before out 'escapade'] Now, he completely denies it and said he would never have sex with me, and never did. He mentioned how i lost my virginity and brings it up often when we see each other. The only time we talk is when were in a fight or if a mutual friend is in trouble. I still like him, and i know i shouldn't but, what does he think of me? And why do i like him if he hates me so much? -Rhiannon_

VictorM's advice:

I don’t think he hates you, I just think he’s too immature to handle your behavior both with him and with those other guys before. He’s mad at you for that, but he doesn’t have the maturity yet to deal with those incidents, so he’s doing the best that he can. He wouldn’t be this pissed if he didn’t care about you.

He’ll regret all of this when he’s mature enough, but for now, you can help by not engaging in the fighting.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Lynn
Age: 19
Location: Hawaii
Question: Hello. So I had a one night stand with this guy, or so I thought it was. It turned into us hooking up and hanging out over the past month. He would cuddle with me in bed, he told me he liked me, and would invite me out with his friends. About a week ago, he took me out to eat and it seemed like everything was going well. He hugged me at the end & said he would text me. I texted him a few times and he didn't respond, but a few days later he apologized for not getting back to me and said he would call me the next day. He didn't. He also didn't respond to the other text I sent him. I am confused as to what is going on because he randomly stopped calling and texting when he and I used to talk every day. I feel like this was even more sudden because it was after he took me out on a date. What's up?

VictorM's advice:

He felt enough attraction for you to spend enough time with you to learn more about you and to see if any feelings developed. After a while, he realized there was nothing there, so cowardly – as so many guys are bound to do; it's not reflection on you – he vanished.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Zlata
Age: 16
Location: Canada
Question: How do I get my ex back? I can't get over him, trust me I've tried. I'm deteriorating, nothing else matters to me anymore. He broke up with me two days ago because my mom never allows me to do anything, and he says he just doesn't like me anymore. He likes another girl that he's supposedly liked for 2 years :( I'm completely heartbroken; I have to have him back. Please help! Also, he's 18 and I'm 16. We've been dating officially for 2 and a half months, but been "together" for more than 9 months. I'm close with his best friend too, could it help if I somehow work him into a plan? Please, I'm desperate, and I don't want to make a mistake and play "the pity card".

VictorM's advice:

You’re going to need Miracle Max (the “he’s only mostly dead” guy from Princess Bride) for what you’re asking; I’m not a miracle maker.

Or you can take another cue from Princess Bride, when the Man in Black tells Inigo to “get used to disappointment.” And trust me, you can do it, if you put your mind to it. And the more you go about your life without him the more you may look more appealing to him. But if you come across as desperate, he’s more likely to stay away.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Laury
Age: 16
Question: I've been the best of friends with this guy since we were young and just last year we finally ended up in the same high school. It was great, we got to talk a lot more than before, and we've grown closer over the past year. But lately, he's been acting a lot different. He has a girlfriend, but it's an awkward relationship. I never see them very close to one another, it's like they're scared to touch eachother or something. My friends are convinced he likes me, but I'm not sure what to think. He can't walk by me without coming over to talk (he'll leave his girlfriend to come over); likes to come up from behind and pinch my waist to scare me; when I mention another guy, he asks lots of questions about who he is; calls me 'Laurybear'; when I'm texting, he'll randomly stop talking, then in about an hour or so say 'sorry I took so long to reply, I'm at my girl's house'; he texts my best girl friends and then tells me about what they were talking about (even though I don't ask); he's always asking me if I'm going to miss him next year (he's in grade 12, and I'm in grade 11); every single solitary time I see him, it's guaranteed that he's going to touch me one way or another (he'll poke me, or high five me, or shove me, or brush up against me, or fake punch me, etc); every time he talks to one of my girl friends, he brings up nice things about me; he'll send me personal texts, then apologize, saying they were for his girlfriend, not me (like he's trying to piss me off).. the list goes on and on. Do you have any idea what's going through his mind? Any advice for me?

VictorM's advice:

He’s just an attention whore for your attention. He’s at an age where even leaning against a washing machine gives him a woody, so all the physical touching is part of that sexual awareness. He likes you, of course, but he’s satisfied with what he gets from you at this time and I doubt he’ll consider anything more. Still, getting your attention is good for his ego, and he needs plenty of it.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Marya
Age: 44
Location: USA
Question: when i guy you been dating for three months asks for space, what does it mean. He has told me that I am "special" and that I mean a lot to him. I have given him two weeks, which ends this coming Saturday; who should call who?? Help!! i really like this guy a lot!

VictorM's advice:

When a guy asks for space, everything else he says after that should sound like “blah, blah, blah…” to you because he’ll say whatever it takes to leave without you crying on his shoulder, whether he means it or not.

He should call you. Did he?

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Alyssa
Age: 26
Location: NJ
Question: Hi there. I am pretty newly single (relationship from 16 to 21 then from 21 to 25). After my last break up, which I initiated, I entered into a short relationship with a close friend right after this last long one and fell pretty hard only to have him want a return to the friendship (which actually has been fairly successful, though I still harbor some feelings). Thus, at this point, I am just looking to NOT be in a relationship for a while. However, I do enjoy hanging with guys (have lots of platonic guy friends from over the past many many years) and am very flirtatious. I recently, about 4 weeks ago, began talking to Nick, a friend of several of my guy friends whom I had once briefly met about 2 years ago (and who had randomly been known to ask about me since that time). He got my number from one and began texting me talking about how sexy I am and how he would love to hook up with me even if it was just once. At first I kept blowing him off, but like many guys, this only further intrigued him and soon the sexual talk became interlaced with actual conversations. After two weeks of daily texting sparring/flirting, he came into the restaurant where I work and we hung out for about an hour after my shift. Nothing more than talking and a hug. The next night, Nick and one of our mutual friends came in to the restaurant again and the two of them and my roommate went back to Nick's house to play pool and drink and generally hang out. Truthfully, I enjoy verbal battles with guys and once I actually spent some face to face time with Nick, I really enjoyed his company despite my reservations. When it came time for Nick and I to each turn in to get some sleep before our respective jobs, the other two were still having a dance party, so Nick and I claimed his bed. I got in going "ok, hun...imagine a wall of pillows between us" and he just went "shut up and come here...i'm not a creep." We went to sleep cuddling for about 2 hours and a bit later I went to use the bathroom. When I came back and resumed my spot, we began hooking up. Not really sure what brought it on persay, just happened. Nothing more than some fun kissing and groping. Then the alarm rang and we both reluctantly said good bye and went to work. We battled via text the next day as per usual and then he was out of touch all weekend for a boys camping trip. When he came back Sunday, he texted me right away and we made plans for me to come over after I was done with my own plans. We ate some dinner, talked a bunch and then began watching a movie. Making out on the couch led to having (really good) sex. Things fell back into normal and we finished watching the movie, chatted some more and then he asked me to stay over. We had sex again and then went to bed cuddling again. Now, here's the deal...Nick is in an open relationship with a girl who lives in Europe. Nick is also is generally acknowledged, for lack of a better term, to be a man whore. In his words, he "enjoys having a female around and is pretty damn near close to a nympho so going 3 months without seeing his girl is damn near impossible". Before I went to his house a few days after our initial make out session but before we had sex for the first time, he texted me asking what I would be looking for if something were to potentially happen physically between us. I told him straight up and honestly that I am NOT looking for a relationship at this point or in the near future with him or anyone else and that the biggest "commitment" I would make to anyone at this point would be along the lines of an FWB status. He texted me back that that was the perfect answer and that he enjoys that I am a cool chick that's sexy and that he trusted that I wouldn't be running off and telling everyone, as even though his relationship is "open" it's still a sensitive issue. Truthfully...all I really want is someone whose company I enjoy, who I feel comfortable hanging with and having fun with that I can satisfy my need for sex with. I don't want the baggage of a relationship or dating or whatever for a while (again 9 years spent in 2 long term monogamous relationships). I just like the occasional one on one hang out that still allows us to be comfortable and have fun when we are hanging with all of our mutual friends. My motivation is the fact that I am not a fan of the idea of making out with random dudes regularly and so this type of "arrangement" seems more appealing to me. After the night where we first slept together, I felt the need to clarify things, so I texted him something to the effect of "Listen, I had a fun time last night. You're cool to spend time with and I enjoy battling with you despite myself. As far as everything else goes, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that and I would not have any issue with hanging like that in the future. If it was a one shot deal, that's perfectly cool as well, just let me know. I'm the kind of person that would prefer to have things clear cut, if at all possible. Guessing games make me uneasy." He said that he had had fun too and is attracted to me and enjoys hanging out with me too but that he is still waiting for his girl in the long run and that he wanted to be sure that he was upfront with me and that "when all is said and done, we can go back to just being friends with no hard feelings so don't go falling in love with me." I assured him love was not my goal, just fun. Everything was left as "so we're cool". So despite my inital assumption that perhaps it was just about the one time conquest since I had initially blown him off, we have been texting the past two weeks since our initial hook up in the back to normal sparring yet suggestive sense. I have gone over his house after my dinner shifts at work twice and we have slept together both times and then things go back to teasing each other, including texts from him in the morning saying he enjoyed the previous night. As this whole scenario is new for me, I just am curious as to how to maintain the FWB relationship since that's what I want from this kid because things seem to be getting more complex. Last night (Tuesday), I offered to bring a moive over and hang. By the time he was done with work and class it was 9 and he was shot (he works long ass days, as do I) but that if I wanted to come over while he paid bills and then just have a snuggle sleep session with no sex to feel free to come by. This seemed like code for "I'd rather not have company" so I made a joke about how maybe he just needed down time and sleep rather than a visitor. He goes "I guess I see what you're in this for...don't worry. I'll find someone who thinks that's a good time or who loves me enough to endure" which I assumed was a joke for the most part. I said I was more than willing to just hang with him platonically and stay over but that I assumed the crack about bills was an indirect way of saying he'd prefer no company so that if he wanted companionship, I would be on my way and would bring some grub. He then called me and said that he had a weird feeling that something bad was gonna happen and that maybe it would be better if he was alone. After some questioning, he said his g/f's mom is in the hospital and that maybe it would be best for him to hang solo in case something happened. This was perfectly fine and I told him so and we talked for about another 30 minutes. A bit later we talked on Facebook and he goes "so are you coming over?" He said his bad feeling was gone. I told him that as it was 10:30 I would not be coming over that night. He goes "I see how it is". I told him that maybe on Thursday after work as I would be away tonight and had plans on Friday. He goes "we'll see" and when I mimicked his "I see how it is" he goes "maybe you had your chance...goodnight hun". I replied with "You're an ass...night darlin'". Today was the first day without an early AM text in 4 weeks (we are both up at 5 and normally I hear from him before 7). I sent him a message at 11 that said "Wow. This is the first day in a while without a crack of dawn text from you. If I didn't know any better I would say that you are sore at me for not coming by last night." His relpy was only "No but you didn't send me anything while I was sleeping so I had nothing to respond to. And I don't get sore I get mad". Like I said, this is all new. He and I seem to be similar creatures in that we are both outgoing people who enjoy company of the opposite sex but have our feelings reserved from someone else...kind of an "if you can't have the one you love, love the one you're with" scenario. I don't want to push this thing cuz I enjoy the "relationship" as it was prior to last night's seeming oddities. In summation, I just would like some insight as to our interactions over the past few weeks (typical FWB stuff? is he over it? etc?), the weirdness that characterized last night, as well as the best way to find a balance in a friendship that has a sexual component.

VictorM's advice:

I deserve a Nobel Prize of some kind for reading this whole thing! :)

This guy seems direct enough to be willing to tell you whether or not he wants you to come over. I think you misread him the night of paying the bills; he was trying to tell you exactly what he told you – he was tired, not in the mood for sex, but willing to enjoy your company. So basically, you rejected him.

FWB is fine, if that’s what you’re seeking. But saying so, doesn’t make it so. Feelings, jealousy, territoriality, and every other human emotion can creep up unannounced and unwillingly. You’re just dealing with some of it. The sooner you drop the snide comments, the sooner it may go back to normal.

You blurted the lie back at him because you didn’t actually forgive him; you just swept it under the rug. He’s now conveniently manipulating you for something that he actually did wrong, but just like a typical female, you’re carrying the whole burden on your shoulders.

You say you don’t want to lose him. That sentiment just increases the odds that you will lose him. Here's why: In your quest to keep him, you aren’t capable of telling him exactly how you feel about his lie, which bring up the lie when you get angry. And then, because you don’t want to lose him, you hide your feelings about it. It’s a vicious cycle.

Maybe you have a distorted view of what a wonderful guy is. A wonderful guy would understand that once he lied to you, he should be willing to pay the price for that lie by allowing to vent about it for a reasonable amount of time. Instead, his line that lying to you hurt him was done not out of honestly but in a manipulative way to get you off his back.

If you really want to keep him, you need to risk losing him by yelling at him out of the top of your lungs that he’s a fucking lying piece of shit until it oozes out of every pour. And if he’s really all that wonderful, he’d take your anger like a man and not vanish on you like a coward.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: ellie
Question: dear victor, you should have known your email was down because you were not getting any questions from me... haha!

anyway, i just wanted to tell you about some recent developments and ask your advice. i need some damage control! basically, if you remember, i met this guy at a concert and we made out and i stayed over his house (with my friends). he called me a few days later asking when i would be back and he was very sweet on the phone. i came back to see my friends a couple of weeks later, and i texted him, but he was out of town, and he called to say he was sorry he was going to miss me and to let him know when i would be back again. he also told me he would come visit me because his friend lives close to me. anyway, this past weekend, i came up to visit my friends again, and i texted him. he called me to see if i wanted to meet up, but i was out with my friends, so he came to meet me and my friends at a bar. we hung out and he was very sweet, and he didnt really do anything inappropriate. my friend lives close to him so at the end of the night he asked me to come back with them so we could all hang out but i said i couldnt. we didnt kiss or anything. the next night he came out to meet me and my friends again, and this time at the end of the night, i went back with him and some of my other friends to my friend's house. the friend whose house we were at has a crush on me, plus he knows all my close friends, so i was very nervous about being flirty with a guy in front of him. but he kept trying to kiss me so i finally gave in. he asked me to come back to his house and i kept saying i wasn't sure, so he asked if i had a boyfriend. i guess he didn't think that i was just shy. he even asked me if i would rather hook up with my friend and if that was why i was being weird! anyway, after a while, i agreed to go back to his house and my friend came with us. it was kind of awkward because my friend likes me and he kept watching us and i think he was even texting our mutual friend about what was going on, so i didnt want him to see us kissing, and the guy kept asking me why i was being weird. my friend stayed over the night too, but he slept in the other room and i went to sleep with the guy in his room (i know! i have done that with only one other guy before). we messed around but i told him that i had almost zero experience with guys, so he told me we should wait to have sex, and i was really glad he said it (not that i would have done it anyway). he kept saying he didnt believe me, and that there was no way i had no experience with guys. i told him i am never like this, and that sometimes i can go out with people for months before i even kiss them. i don't know why i acted this way with him, even though he wasn't that pushy. i guess i just felt really comfortable with him, plus we have very good chemistry. (by the way, if you remember that horrible situation i was in with that previous guy, this is very different. that guy was very manipulative and kind of scary, and i just kind of went along with it, but this one is very respectful and sweet, and not pushy). anyway, after me and my friend left in the morning, he texted me making some jokes, and the day after that, he asked me when i was leaving, but i said that i had already left and that i would be back soon. he just said ok talk to you soon. so what do you think of this situation? do you think he just thinks i am really trashy? i didnt really drink at all, so that he wouldn't think i was doing it because i was drunk. i feel like if he just wanted to hook up, he would have pushed me to have sex instead of saying we should wait. he also kept telling me that he was going to come visit me, and that he wished i didn't live so far away, even though i know that probably doesn't mean anything. so that is the first part of my question, and the second part is, if i do see him again (i am coming to visit again in a few weeks for a concert) what should i say to him? should i say i think we should go slow? i feel stupid even saying that because we are not dating. and do you think he will just disappear if i say that? i am so mad at myself... i really messed up. i should not have done all that with him, and maybe he would be interested in getting to know me as a person. he has no idea that i am usually extremely shy and conservative, based on my behavior with him, and that up until a year ago, i had never even kissed anybody. oh and the last part is that i am probably moving there in a few months. should i mention that to him, or will it freak him out? thanks victor!

VictorM's advice:

Of course he wants to hook up. Just because he’s a patient guy, doesn’t alter what his true intentions are. How do I know? Because I don’t agree with you that he wasn’t pushy -- he was; because he doesn’t believe you’re not experienced, which suggests that his belief that you were experienced was part of the attraction; because you don’t really have much communication at all except for when he can be within reach of your body.

If you are moving there within a few months, why would you ask if that freaks him out, unless deep down inside you suspect the same things I did above?

Submitted on Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By: Katie
Age: 26
Location: California
Question: My boyfriend has this girl he is friends with whom lately I have begun to worry about them. They talk on the phone a lot, and the conversations are usually at least 30 minutes to over an hour. Just this past weekend they talked three nights in a row for probably an hour each time. Now is that normal for a guy to talk on the phone that long with a friend? Or am I just over thinking this? He really doesn't talk with other people near that long and it worries me.

VictorM's advice:

No, it’s not normal. You have ample reason to be concerned. Maybe this is just a little crush that will pass, but pure friendship, it ain’t. Guys don’t get that close to a girl purely for friendship; there’s always an ulterior motive, particularly if he finds her attractive. And I’d bet my last pair of underwear that she’s attractive.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 13, 2009
By: Jane
Age: 21
Location: SF
Question: During the summer I have met a guy through school. He's really generous and cared for me a lot, but the fact that he already have a girlfriend in another country bothers me. i don't know how he feels towards me, but i am falling for him. he's a real sweety, texts me during the day to tell me to eat lunch and to tell me to sleep. we've been chatting everyday online since the day i gave him my email. i like our conversations, but i feel it is wrong to fall for a guy who already has a girlfriend. i don't know what to do..how does he feel actually?

VictorM's advice:

Well, I can assure you he's not talking to you just as a friend. I'm not saying he's willing to break up with his girlfriend over you, but it's clear that he likes you.

There's nothing wrong with you falling for him, and it's not like you can help it either. The responsibility towards his girlfriend is his. It's up to him to break up with her if he wants to pursue you. Obviously, if he tries something with you while still with her, he may not be as boyfriend worthy as you think. If you continue to see and it turns out he's not interested, you run the risk if heartache.

I won't tell you what to do, but I will say this: getting over heartache is a lot easier than getting over regretting not having tried.

Submittedon Tuesday, October 13, 2009
By: jess
Age: 22
Location: colorado
Question: So i met this guy, we made out and i gave him my number when i left. the next day i called him telling him i wanted to meet up, he said he did too..but we couldn't because of driving complications (we live 30 miles away from each other). i've wanted to call him to see how he is doing because i'm very interested in him. but how soon is too soon? i want to meet him again, but i just don't know how to get his attention.

VictorM's advice:

What does it say to you about his interest in you that he hasn't called you yet?

I don't know if it's going to do any good if you call him, but what's wrong with calling him right now?

Go ahead, call him!

Submitted on Tuesday, October 13, 2009
By: AD. CJ. Vincent
Age: 14
Location: PA
Question: Hey Victor! I was wondering why you didn't get my emails.

Anyway, so there are these guys that I really like and i don't how to tell if they like me or not. The one which I am sure i love, AD is out my league and I don't know him. Sounds weird, right? But here's the thing: we did talk once with two other friends and he did not seem as outgoing as he usually is. He kinda seemed a little shy but still I'm not sure if that's from me.

The next guy, CJ i really like and he always makes me laugh and he cheered me up once when i was down but he makes everyone laugh.

The last, Vincent, i will see him look at me every once in a while but not as much as I would think he would if he really liked me, but, hey i could be wrong. Please help! How do I tell if they like me or not?!?!

Thankx Victor;)

VictorM's advice:

Well, it seems like you're getting their attention, and that's a good start. But you really shouldn't put too much thought into how they might feel about you today, because it could all change by tomorrow. What you should be doing is encouraging the getting to know you part, by smiling at them, greeting them using their name (for example: "Hi Vincent") and finding out what each of them likes a lot and then using that to carry out conversations on those topics.

And don't dismiss a guy just because he may not look at you that much. Some guys hide their interest in a girl so that they are not made fun off if she rejects him.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 13, 2009
By: Lana
Age: 25
Location: Texas
Question: I met this guy while in Arizona and we really hit it off. We dated for the month that I was there. Everything was going well. I flew back to Texas for a week and we literally spoke everyday on the phone while I was back in Texas. He seemed really into me. Upon my return to Texas I learned that I had to fly back to Arizona for three more weeks. Not because of him, but because of a personal issue. There, in the beginning everything seemed t o be going great until it started getting closer to the date of my departure. He was a bit distant. I had to fly back to Texas. So, we decided to remain friends. It's been several months now and we haven't seen each other since. He pops in and out of my life once in a blue moon. I've grown tired of that but still wonder. He called me about two weeks ago. I didn't feel like picking up. He left me a message and I haven't returned his call. He hasn't contacted me since. There is another guy that I had met in New Jersey. (Yes, I travel a lot). He also contacts me once in a blue moon. He is coming to Texas and wants to see me. So, my question is: Why do men do that? Just come in and out of your life, just like that? And think I'll welcome them with wide open arms?

VictorM's advice:

You must be a fun girl to have around, WHEN you are around.

Why get too close to you if you're not staying? Guys are very physical -- we like to touch you and smell you. With you gone, investing time on a local girl is a more rewarding experience.

But, at the same time, why lose all contact with you if you're such a fun girl? They know they might be running into you again sometimes, so why burn that bridge?

See? Guys aren't that dumb.

For the last few days I have not received any new questions in my Inbox. Considering the volume I've been used to, it was surprising. I have been snooping around trying to find out what could be wrong and it turns out my email service with the webhost was full.

That explains why I was getting no emails, but I'm sorry to report, it also means I have no way of recovering any of the submitted questions -- the webhost emailing service junked them.

If you submitted a question in the last few days, please resubmit it.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 07, 2009
By: Leila
Age: 33
Location: Edmonton
Question: I'm in a bit of a fix... was married for a while so just getting back to the dating game and I can't read cues very well :( I'm separated but already applied for a divorce. About a month ago I met this amazing guy. He pursued me for about a month before I agreed to go out with him and when I did, I liked him. He knew I was separated right from the beginning and said he was 'getting used to it'. He has a really busy job (I verified what he does). I see him about once a week and whenever I do it's really, really great [he says so] but right from the start he never calls, and he texts me one line once a day. I'm used to when a man likes a girl he calls/sends messages/spends time with her so i'm really confused. I have talked to him about it but he got hurt and said this is serious for him, he's just really busy at work.... I don't know...

VictorM's advice:

You're used to a man who calls/sens texts... are you kidding? Where is such a man? I don't believe you.

Guys don't see phones and text messages as necessary to a relationship. Consider that for all of humanity, until the last few decades, no such devices existed and romanced was alive. Guys see those devices as communication tools for when there is something to communicate ("where are we meeting tonight?" "I'm running late, will be there in 15 mins", etc), not for silly, random stuff.

Also, guys are very single-focused. Most of us can't multitask. Heck, we can't even look for a street with the car radio on. So when we're at work, we work. Don't expect contact unless there is something specific to say.

Now... seeing the guy once a week is another matter. If a guy is too busy for you now, when he's still in the courting phase, you can safely conclude that if your relationship evolves, you're most likely going to be a lonely woman. Working a lot is not really a requirement; it's a choice. And right now work is a higher priority than you are. Could that change with time? Sure. A guy isn't about to risk his career over a woman he met only a month ago and is still married (we're not silly enough to refer a woman we met only a month ago as "amazing"), but it is something for you to keep an eye on going forward.

Submitted on Wednesday, October 07, 2009
By: Annika
Age: 28
Location: Prag
Question: I met a guy from a dance event. He suggested we can have coffee in the future. After that, he sent me sms daily, even when he was having business trip abroad. He said things like: 'I am sitting in the bathtub and reading. Give you a bathtub hug'; 'I am watching movie with friends, but I am still thinking about you', 'good night, sweety'. He suggested to have a movie + wine evening in his flat.

From my side, I did reply each of his sms, in a cute way. But I have been too busy to arrange any meeting. After two month, his sms becomes less and also less flirty. But he is still friendly. Finally, I have time to suggest to have coffee, he agreed immediately.

My questions are: Does he really like me, or he just try to flirt? Is he too flirty at such early stage? What does a movie/wine evening indicate? When he did not receive as strong signal from me, he is still very friendly. Does he still have hope, or he lower his anticipation?

Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

After meeting you, you were, and remain, a possibility. Guys don't fall in love; they fall in lust and might get curious about you. He's in that curiosity phase, wanting to know more about you. That's what a movie and wine is all about -- getting to know you better (and if you're willing, get physical).

It sounds like he's still willing to consider you, to learn about you, to see if there is any chemistry. But don't expect anything more concrete until he's had the time to spend more time with you.

Submitted on Tuesday, October 06, 2009
By: Ashley
Age: 15
Location: TX
Question: i still really care for my boyfriend. but something is confusing me. whats up?

VictorM's advice:

You're not specific, but in any case, I'll just say that at any age, but more so around yours, it's natural to question if we're getting what we want. We have second thoughts. We consider alternatives. We wonder if we're doing the right thing or if we could be doing better.

It's all very natural and healthy.

Don't fight your instincts, particularly if they are persistent.

Submitted on Monday, October 05, 2009
By: Hanna Smyth
Age: 25
Location: UK
Question: Met guy through the internet. We met twice and got on well. Upon returning from holidays he made contact. I asked him out and he said that he was busy so I left things, we remained in touch via text (he did not answer my calls but continued to text). Again I asked him out and he said yes when he had dealt with a stressful work issue. I lost my patience and ended things. He said 'not to worry, I am sorry for been unfair to you'. I regret what I did and apologised but he doesn't want to know. Will he ever make contact?

VictorM's advice:

Well, he could, if for no other reason than not to burn any bridges. But if he does, and you interpret that contact as a reflection of any kind of serious interest, you'd be fooling yourself.

His "'not to worry, I am sorry for been unfair to you" really means "'not to worry, I wasn't interested any longer anyway and you just did me a favor so I don't have to deal with the unpleasantness of having to tell a girl I'm not interest in her."

There are plenty more guys where that one came from. Try a new one.

Submitted on Thursday, October 01, 2009
By: Rosa
Age: 27
Location: Spanish in UK
Question: I have a Swedish male friend when I was doing my master study in Sweden. We studied in the same department and we shared office for almost a year from 2005-2006. When we met each other, I was engaged and he just broke up. We are good friends. We share view about music, we learnt dance together, play chess, etc...

In 2006, I broke up with my ex and we canceled the wedding. Afterward, I went to UK to do my PhD. I still keep contact with my Swedish male friend (email and facebook). He put a big acknowledgment in his thesis, says 'thank me to let him be interested in Spanish culture, thanks me for joining him in the lindy hop dance, there are many memory to cherish'.

In 2007, he sent me an email and told me he had feeling for me. I said I am honored. Then we concluded to be friends. We still contact each other very often. He sent me hugs from facebook, wrote me long messages on facebook, invited me to Sweden to dance with him...

In the Spring of 2008, he put messages on facebook, like he is very much in love, he could not be happier, his girlfriend is everything for him, etc. At that time, I have a Spanish friend who will study in Sweden. I wrote him an email to ask him to take care my friend. He did not reply. I sent him some greeting message on facebook, like birthday greetings, or just let him send me a message when he has time. He never replies.

In the spring of this year, he suddenly removes me from his facebook friends list, and erased all the messages from me on his facebook wall.

What led to such change? What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

I think it all happened here: "I said I am honored. Then we concluded to be friends." Somewhere in between those two sentences, there is a Swedish male with a severely bruised ego and a crushed heart. Friendship only, from that point forward, became impossible.

His reaction was caused by one of two things (or maybe a little of both):

1) When a male get his ego bruised, he reverts to a wounded child mode and needs to hurt the person who bruised him. Removing you and all your messages from facebook would be one way to hurt you back.

2) He's found a new source of love and either by himself, or at her request, is removing all traces of a previous love as a way to free himself to dedicate all of his attention to the new love.

The truth, Rosa, is that in his mind, you were never just friends. To him, you were always more than that, at least in potential. When that possibility ended, so did whatever held you together.

What do you do now? Leave him alone. Things may change, but for whatever reason, he needs this time away from you.

Submitted on Wednesday, September 30, 2009
By: Ashley
Age: 19
Location: college
Question: Hi,

So I'm really confused. I met this guy last April at a sports overnight and we both realized we were from the same state back home. He lived an hour away from me but over the summer we saw each other maybe 6 times and we would talk to each other at least once a week. He was really considerate and didn't even make out with me the first time he came over, just kissed me goodbye.

Long story short -- we end up at the same school since I just transferred here and he has been already going here for 2 years. He texted me the first few weeks asking me how my first few days were and we tried to get together many times but it just didn't end up working out due to his very busy sports schedule. I've seen him twice since i've been here. He came to my apartment 2 weeks ago and was cute we talked the whole night and he left at 4am and we both had class the next day. We held hands and just kissed a little.

Last weekend he asked me what I was doing that night and said if was going to go out let me know. And we ended up at the same party and he was by me most of the night and even got this guy away from me who was kind of in my space. He invited me back to his house to spend the night.

We just kissed and I gave him a hand job but I always seem to be unlucky and have my period when we hang out! I'm a virgin and am thinking about having sex with him but I honestly am afraid to tell him because he is much more experienced than I am. Also I am not sure what his intentions with me are, I want to date this boy but I don't know if he wants to date me. We haven't even told each other we like each other or anything.

It's all very confusing and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. I never know if I am going to hear from him during a certain week or not. He's very busy with soccer constantly playing away games and usually texts me on the way home or to a game asking me how my night is but then sometimes he will go like ten days without talking to me. How do I find out if I'm more than just ass to him?

VictorM's advice:

A hand job does not an ass make; you are a potential piece of ass. Is that all that you are? Not necessarily. Sounds like he enjoys your company but it's also clear that he is in no rush for you to be anything more.

Guys can find a girl a lot of fun to be with, really enjoy her company, enjoy some kissing and other physical contact, stay in touch with her, and yet have no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship with her. This happens quite frequently. That's not to say it can't evolve into something, but it doesn't have to.

But things like a hand job when you are not even a couple yet are more likely to land you in the "piece of ass only" category than in the "possible girlfriend" category. If you think getting more physical with him is more likely to make him want a relationship with you, you'd be wrong. Why should a guy live with commitments and limitations, if he can get action and still be free to roam around?

Submitted on Monday, September 28, 2009
By: Allie
Age: 22
Location: OH
Question: I'm going to keep this brief. My ex is going to Afghanistan for a year. I have told him that I still care about him. He told me that he can't have a girlfriend right now because of the deployment, and he doesn't want to worry about a relationship while he is overseas. Perfectly understandable. He told me that he "couldn't say he would never consider dating me again." He wants to remain friends for now. I know he had been hanging out with another girl for a month or two after we broke up, but has supposedly told her the same thing about not wanting to have a girlfriend right now. Is this bad news for me, or is there still hope?

VictorM's advice:

I would say it's both bad news but there's still hope.

The bad news: he didn't just want to end things with you; he actually sough another girl to talk to. Regardless of what he told her, he's still spending time and energy on her, not you. Plus, if what you quoted him verbatim, that's not a very encouraging way of putting it; there are too many native words in that response.

There's still hope, however, because I have to believe that any guy facing the prospect of war has a lot bigger issues on his mind than a girl, and when he comes back, you have as good a chance as anyone of getting his attention.

But stay at home waiting for him for a year at your own risk. Hope can have very low odds, which I think is the case here.

Submitted on Monday, September 28, 2009
By: sweetpeae
Age: 16
Location: Belleville
Question: umm im new to this. so umm here it goes: what advice do i give a guy who doesn't think he is attractive? what do i tell him?

VictorM's advice:

You tell him nothing. Stay out of it because nothing that you say will help him.

If you think he's attractive but he doesn't think so, you saying he is isn't going to help. Chances are that professional therapy would be a better alternative for him.

If you think he is unattractive, nothing you say will help because if anything, you just reinforce his belief.

You can point out all the beautiful women who marry ugly guys, but they tend to be movie or music producers, independently wealthy, or famous. Things that I doubt your friend is.

So... mind your own business about his looks and... give him a banana.