Wednesday, September 30, 2009
He cries a lot
Submitted on Monday, September 28, 2009
By: cryingbagBF
Age: 30
Location: Sweden
Question: Hi,
I met my boyfriend about two years ago. He is a great guy, smart, considerate, transparent. One thing bothers me.
First, he cries a lot, either when he tells me how much he loves me sometimes, or when we have arguments. Saying things with tears happens almost daily. Especially when we argue, he cries, sometimes even sitting on the floor, or hitting the wall, ect. He never beats me, or being aggressive to me. But it still scares me. I am afraid of such type of people who can not control their temper. Is he a weak person?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that the crying itself is a problem. Some people just seem to get teary eyed when they get excited about something (such as when he says he loves you), or even looking at a beautiful view or sharing some particularly exciting moment. And it's common for such people to also tear when they get mad. Basically, they react with tears to any spikes in enthusiasm, whether they are caused by good things or bad things.
What is troubling is the hitting the wall in anger. Today it's the wall, tomorrow it could be you. Clearly going to anger management counseling should be considered because his behavior represents inability to deal with differences of opinions, and that's never a good thing.
When you say he sits on the floor crying during arguments, does he continue to argue or does he just cry and stops arguing? If he continues to argue, than the crying is not a bad sign, but if he stops arguing and lets the tears do the talking, that's a manipulative trait, and not a good thing.
By: cryingbagBF
Age: 30
Location: Sweden
Question: Hi,
I met my boyfriend about two years ago. He is a great guy, smart, considerate, transparent. One thing bothers me.
First, he cries a lot, either when he tells me how much he loves me sometimes, or when we have arguments. Saying things with tears happens almost daily. Especially when we argue, he cries, sometimes even sitting on the floor, or hitting the wall, ect. He never beats me, or being aggressive to me. But it still scares me. I am afraid of such type of people who can not control their temper. Is he a weak person?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that the crying itself is a problem. Some people just seem to get teary eyed when they get excited about something (such as when he says he loves you), or even looking at a beautiful view or sharing some particularly exciting moment. And it's common for such people to also tear when they get mad. Basically, they react with tears to any spikes in enthusiasm, whether they are caused by good things or bad things.
What is troubling is the hitting the wall in anger. Today it's the wall, tomorrow it could be you. Clearly going to anger management counseling should be considered because his behavior represents inability to deal with differences of opinions, and that's never a good thing.
When you say he sits on the floor crying during arguments, does he continue to argue or does he just cry and stops arguing? If he continues to argue, than the crying is not a bad sign, but if he stops arguing and lets the tears do the talking, that's a manipulative trait, and not a good thing.
I saw him with one "easy girl"
Submitted on Monday, September 28, 2009
By: 7
Age: 17
Question: Hey Victor,
I'm writing again..I know I'm boring but everything you told me until now, is true..So I want to ask you something..:)
Before 3 years, I met with this guy.
On the beginning he wasn't so important to me..But how the time passed I started to fall in love with him..
We never had anything-not even a kiss.
We have so magnetic "friendly" relationship and there are so much chemistry around us.
I don't know how to describe it.
We weren't together because he was afraid that he might hurt me,and that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship.(He knows and he is I wasn't honest with him( i told him that he is just a friend of mine),and maybe If I was-we will be now together.
We were chatting,hanging out together and we were having a great time...
One night-I saw him with one "easy girl"(I don't know how to explain)and I was so mad,because he was drunk..And I don't wanted to keep this kind of relationship,where I would hide my feelings every time..So in that moment,I just get home back,and started to write him a sms.In that sms- I "killed" him with words, And I just wanted to know what he felt about me.
I didn't get an answer.And I don't have it still.
-one month after that ,i started a relationship with a guy which ended after 6 months.
Now get back-when I started my relationship,after 1 week he started relationship with one girl..
And he is with her now.But when he found out that I'm single, he started to write me again on my msn..And He is NEVER with his girlfriend.
I know that I Shouldn't write back to him,but this is much stronger than me.And when I talk about him...Im smiling..& You don't know how happy am I when I am with him!We talk about everything-like always!For example when I told him that I would be in the park..He arrived. :)
Every weekend when we are (and we are often) on the same place, he is starring at me..smiling..like he did in the past.
He started to wish me good night,even when we were not chatting..etc.
Oh and in one situation,when I was out with my friends,and he with his-He says 3 times to me -Tonight Im single!And than his girl comes suddenly to him,from nowhere(just to be with him) and he ignored her,and watch me all night long,what I was doing. He says that when he saw me and my ex together he was surprised-not negative, but not positive.
I don't know what to do.I don't know what he feels about me? And what about her? I don't know how to act.
I really want to be with him. And I don't know how to do that.I know that I should just let this go,and see how it's gonna be in the future,but..:S
Please give me advice!
Greets-and sorry for my english!
VictorM's advice:
He's not very respectful of his girlfriend, is he? If he's not in love with her, he should just break up with her, but to tell you something like "tonight I'm single" he's disrespecting her and you.
So why is he with her and not you? In part because you're not an "easy girl" but in part because he knows you like him more than he likes you. Guys in this situation love being around such a girl because it gives them control and feeds their ego.
As long as he has a girlfriend and you pay him so much attention, he'll want things exactly as they are: you around to feed his ego, the other girl for sex.
You are right that you shouldn't respond to his texts, and you are wrong that it's stronger than you -- it is only if you allow you. You have the power to control yourself, if nothing else because by responding you're making things worse.
By: 7
Age: 17
Question: Hey Victor,
I'm writing again..I know I'm boring but everything you told me until now, is true..So I want to ask you something..:)
Before 3 years, I met with this guy.
On the beginning he wasn't so important to me..But how the time passed I started to fall in love with him..
We never had anything-not even a kiss.
We have so magnetic "friendly" relationship and there are so much chemistry around us.
I don't know how to describe it.
We weren't together because he was afraid that he might hurt me,and that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship.(He knows and he is I wasn't honest with him( i told him that he is just a friend of mine),and maybe If I was-we will be now together.
We were chatting,hanging out together and we were having a great time...
One night-I saw him with one "easy girl"(I don't know how to explain)and I was so mad,because he was drunk..And I don't wanted to keep this kind of relationship,where I would hide my feelings every time..So in that moment,I just get home back,and started to write him a sms.In that sms- I "killed" him with words, And I just wanted to know what he felt about me.
I didn't get an answer.And I don't have it still.
-one month after that ,i started a relationship with a guy which ended after 6 months.
Now get back-when I started my relationship,after 1 week he started relationship with one girl..
And he is with her now.But when he found out that I'm single, he started to write me again on my msn..And He is NEVER with his girlfriend.
I know that I Shouldn't write back to him,but this is much stronger than me.And when I talk about him...Im smiling..& You don't know how happy am I when I am with him!We talk about everything-like always!For example when I told him that I would be in the park..He arrived. :)
Every weekend when we are (and we are often) on the same place, he is starring at me..smiling..like he did in the past.
He started to wish me good night,even when we were not chatting..etc.
Oh and in one situation,when I was out with my friends,and he with his-He says 3 times to me -Tonight Im single!And than his girl comes suddenly to him,from nowhere(just to be with him) and he ignored her,and watch me all night long,what I was doing. He says that when he saw me and my ex together he was surprised-not negative, but not positive.
I don't know what to do.I don't know what he feels about me? And what about her? I don't know how to act.
I really want to be with him. And I don't know how to do that.I know that I should just let this go,and see how it's gonna be in the future,but..:S
Please give me advice!
Greets-and sorry for my english!
VictorM's advice:
He's not very respectful of his girlfriend, is he? If he's not in love with her, he should just break up with her, but to tell you something like "tonight I'm single" he's disrespecting her and you.
So why is he with her and not you? In part because you're not an "easy girl" but in part because he knows you like him more than he likes you. Guys in this situation love being around such a girl because it gives them control and feeds their ego.
As long as he has a girlfriend and you pay him so much attention, he'll want things exactly as they are: you around to feed his ego, the other girl for sex.
You are right that you shouldn't respond to his texts, and you are wrong that it's stronger than you -- it is only if you allow you. You have the power to control yourself, if nothing else because by responding you're making things worse.
I don't want this to be a rebound
Submitted on Monday, September 28, 2009
By: Nicola
Age: 19
Location: UK
Question: There is a guy I met at my university nightclub and we really hit it off. I ended up spending the night at his and we had sex. In the morning he said he wanted to see me again and has occasionally text me ending them in a kiss. He casually text me recently to see when I was going out clubbing again, I want to see him again but I came out of a long term relationship 4 months ago. I don't want this to be a rebound and I don't want to be messed around. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He should be the one worrying about being the rebound, not you, since you're the one coming off a long term relationship. But even a rebound implies some sort of relationship; I don't think he has that in mind.
You don't want to be messed around. I'm not sure what you mean by that. If you're afraid you're only wanted for sex, well, the odds are that that's exactly what he has in mind. After all, you set the tone by having sex the first night out.
By: Nicola
Age: 19
Location: UK
Question: There is a guy I met at my university nightclub and we really hit it off. I ended up spending the night at his and we had sex. In the morning he said he wanted to see me again and has occasionally text me ending them in a kiss. He casually text me recently to see when I was going out clubbing again, I want to see him again but I came out of a long term relationship 4 months ago. I don't want this to be a rebound and I don't want to be messed around. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He should be the one worrying about being the rebound, not you, since you're the one coming off a long term relationship. But even a rebound implies some sort of relationship; I don't think he has that in mind.
You don't want to be messed around. I'm not sure what you mean by that. If you're afraid you're only wanted for sex, well, the odds are that that's exactly what he has in mind. After all, you set the tone by having sex the first night out.
Monday, September 28, 2009
My boyfriend dumped me on my birthday
Submitted on Sunday, September 27, 2009
By: ella
Age: 30
Location: ohio
Question: My boyfriend dumped me on my birthday, for another girl he met at a job function. I was really hurt. I think things went sour for them, now he keeps calling and wanting to see me. I don't want to get hurt again, so I refuse. I do miss him, but the way he did me was cold. Is he missing a good thing or wants to play games again?
VictorM's advice:
Why give a scrap about what his intentions are? The fucker dumped you on your birthday for another woman. You really think this is the type of man you should mortgage your future with?
Life isn't a Hollywood movie or a crappy romance novel, where redemption is such a wonderful plot point. In real life, assholes remain assholes most of the time, specially absent a life altering experience.
Keep refusing him. You will eventually stop missing him. You just need to create a new routine and start developing new memories.
By: ella
Age: 30
Location: ohio
Question: My boyfriend dumped me on my birthday, for another girl he met at a job function. I was really hurt. I think things went sour for them, now he keeps calling and wanting to see me. I don't want to get hurt again, so I refuse. I do miss him, but the way he did me was cold. Is he missing a good thing or wants to play games again?
VictorM's advice:
Why give a scrap about what his intentions are? The fucker dumped you on your birthday for another woman. You really think this is the type of man you should mortgage your future with?
Life isn't a Hollywood movie or a crappy romance novel, where redemption is such a wonderful plot point. In real life, assholes remain assholes most of the time, specially absent a life altering experience.
Keep refusing him. You will eventually stop missing him. You just need to create a new routine and start developing new memories.
I got really messed up
Submitted on Sunday, September 27, 2009
By: ellie
Question: hey victor, it's me...so i got out of that bad situation i was asking you about. my friends helped me and i definitely learned a lesson.
anyway, a couple of weeks ago, as part of getting away from this situation, i went to see some friends for the weekend and go to a concert. anyway, at the concert i got really messed up because i guess i was still not over the situation, and i met this guy. after the concert i dragged all my friends back to his house and we hung out there. later my friends wanted to leave and i kept saying i wanted to stay (i was really not in my right mind, and neither was the guy i think), and finally my friends got frustrated and left me. i stayed at the guys house and i made out with him, but when we wanted to do more, i stopped him. anyway the next morning i left and i figured i would probably never hear from him again (not that i even necessarily wanted to). but the next week he started texting me, asking when i am coming back to visit and when he can see me again. he called me the other day and i said i would be coming to see my friends again soon, and he said that we would have to get together. he also said he was coming to my area sometime soon and we could hang out then.
my question is...what is he expecting? from the side i can imagine that it must have looked like i am like a crazy party girl... i was pretty messed up and out of it (i never do things like that normally but i was really upset over the past situation and not really acting like myself) and then i just dragged all my friends to this strange guys house and kissed him. do you think he thinks he has just found an easy situation and that i am going to be someone he can just hook up with? he told me on the phone that he knows even though we were both not sober he still really liked me and wanted to get to know me. he has also been texting me random cute things. i am not asking if we are going to get married one day... i'm just asking what you would think about a girl you met under those circumstances and what you think his intentions are.
VictorM's advice:
He's expecting the crazy party girl to show up and this time be more willing than she was before.
If you think a messed up girl who stays at a guy's house on the first night and makes out with him is the kind of girl a guy dreams about as a serious partner, you don't know guys.
I'll repeat my usual advice to you: keep wadding at the bottom of the pond and you'll wind up with nothing but losers. You have to elevated yourself if you want to attract a higher grade of men. You behave as if there are only a handful of men for millions of women, as if the first loser that pays you the slightest attention for some reason is worthy of you, as if you aren't allowed to choose, as if you aren't worthy of better. Unless and until your self-worth improves, nothing is going to change.
And stop making up excuses for why you get messed up. You get messed up because that's what you do. It seems to happen too often to be excused by one event or another.
By: ellie
Question: hey victor, it's me...so i got out of that bad situation i was asking you about. my friends helped me and i definitely learned a lesson.
anyway, a couple of weeks ago, as part of getting away from this situation, i went to see some friends for the weekend and go to a concert. anyway, at the concert i got really messed up because i guess i was still not over the situation, and i met this guy. after the concert i dragged all my friends back to his house and we hung out there. later my friends wanted to leave and i kept saying i wanted to stay (i was really not in my right mind, and neither was the guy i think), and finally my friends got frustrated and left me. i stayed at the guys house and i made out with him, but when we wanted to do more, i stopped him. anyway the next morning i left and i figured i would probably never hear from him again (not that i even necessarily wanted to). but the next week he started texting me, asking when i am coming back to visit and when he can see me again. he called me the other day and i said i would be coming to see my friends again soon, and he said that we would have to get together. he also said he was coming to my area sometime soon and we could hang out then.
my question is...what is he expecting? from the side i can imagine that it must have looked like i am like a crazy party girl... i was pretty messed up and out of it (i never do things like that normally but i was really upset over the past situation and not really acting like myself) and then i just dragged all my friends to this strange guys house and kissed him. do you think he thinks he has just found an easy situation and that i am going to be someone he can just hook up with? he told me on the phone that he knows even though we were both not sober he still really liked me and wanted to get to know me. he has also been texting me random cute things. i am not asking if we are going to get married one day... i'm just asking what you would think about a girl you met under those circumstances and what you think his intentions are.
VictorM's advice:
He's expecting the crazy party girl to show up and this time be more willing than she was before.
If you think a messed up girl who stays at a guy's house on the first night and makes out with him is the kind of girl a guy dreams about as a serious partner, you don't know guys.
I'll repeat my usual advice to you: keep wadding at the bottom of the pond and you'll wind up with nothing but losers. You have to elevated yourself if you want to attract a higher grade of men. You behave as if there are only a handful of men for millions of women, as if the first loser that pays you the slightest attention for some reason is worthy of you, as if you aren't allowed to choose, as if you aren't worthy of better. Unless and until your self-worth improves, nothing is going to change.
And stop making up excuses for why you get messed up. You get messed up because that's what you do. It seems to happen too often to be excused by one event or another.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Things had just gotten bad between us
Submitted on Saturday, September 26, 2009
By: HELP
Age: 21
Location: Fl
Question: My boyfriend and I recently broke up (about a week ago) and we had been together for almost 2 years. Things had just gotten bad between us recently and we were just arguing and what not. So it was best that we ended it before it got out of hand. I have been doing my best to be civil and not argue or anything. I also make sure that I don't call/text I'd rather wait for him to call me or text me. I figured by giving him his space and not "nag" him, he'd come around. And by wait, I don't mean I'm sitting there just looking at my phone, I'm still living life and keeping busy. Since I started to "leave him alone for a little" he has been texting me a lot just to see how things are and whats going on and he'll call as well and we'll talk and things are great. And he also has stopped by my house for a little bit. It's almost like we're trying to make a friendship again and see what happens. I love him so much and I know he loves me because after everything we've gone through, we wouldn't still be talking if we didn't want to have a relationship again. My question is, since I desperately need a guy's perspective, am I doing it right by, you know, not calling so much and asking what he's doing or who he's with? I'm trying to give him his time and also have time for just me. Is there anything else that might help? (Also the other night, he texted me to tell me goodnight and that he loved me).
VictorM's advice:
You think breaking up and staying in contact as you are will eventually lead to something good? Think again. If you get back together, you will go back to where you were in no time. It's not like each of you are working on yourselves to be better partners. You're just delaying the "getting out of hand" part.
People who argue to the point of worrying that things will get out of hand aren't in love; they are just addicts who can't let go of what's not good for them.
So you're asking if laying off him will help you get back together. The answer: probably. Is getting back together a good thing? Probably not.
By: HELP
Age: 21
Location: Fl
Question: My boyfriend and I recently broke up (about a week ago) and we had been together for almost 2 years. Things had just gotten bad between us recently and we were just arguing and what not. So it was best that we ended it before it got out of hand. I have been doing my best to be civil and not argue or anything. I also make sure that I don't call/text I'd rather wait for him to call me or text me. I figured by giving him his space and not "nag" him, he'd come around. And by wait, I don't mean I'm sitting there just looking at my phone, I'm still living life and keeping busy. Since I started to "leave him alone for a little" he has been texting me a lot just to see how things are and whats going on and he'll call as well and we'll talk and things are great. And he also has stopped by my house for a little bit. It's almost like we're trying to make a friendship again and see what happens. I love him so much and I know he loves me because after everything we've gone through, we wouldn't still be talking if we didn't want to have a relationship again. My question is, since I desperately need a guy's perspective, am I doing it right by, you know, not calling so much and asking what he's doing or who he's with? I'm trying to give him his time and also have time for just me. Is there anything else that might help? (Also the other night, he texted me to tell me goodnight and that he loved me).
VictorM's advice:
You think breaking up and staying in contact as you are will eventually lead to something good? Think again. If you get back together, you will go back to where you were in no time. It's not like each of you are working on yourselves to be better partners. You're just delaying the "getting out of hand" part.
People who argue to the point of worrying that things will get out of hand aren't in love; they are just addicts who can't let go of what's not good for them.
So you're asking if laying off him will help you get back together. The answer: probably. Is getting back together a good thing? Probably not.
He dumped me through text
Submitted on Friday, September 25, 2009
By: Jessie
Age: 17
Location: Ohio
Question: Hello again. I have a serious issue that not only involves my boyfriend, but also involves friends.
Well, me and my boyfriend have had issues in the past. He dumped me through text to go out with this other girl, dated her for only a month after I dated him for 6 months, broke up with her, then about a half a year later, I forgave him because he seemed really sorry. We've been dating again since the beginning of this February.
Now everything seemed to be going good until just recently. My friends are the types who like drama (even though they constantly deny it) and I hear from one of my boyfriend's friends (who is my friend, too) and he told me while I was overseas in Japan and when my boyfriend was in New York, he was at a random party where he had sex with another girl. That was back in July of this year. He claimed this came from my boyfriend, but he claimed he didn't know who my boyfriend slept with.
My mom thinks my friends might be trying to start some bullcrap, but I honestly don't know who to believe anymore. My boyfriend's mom tells me everything about him. She went on and on about how he missed me while I was gone for the summer and how happy he was when he got my letter I wrote him. And my boyfriend's friend has done some things with to his girlfriend (who is also my friend) that he's not proud of. He's cheated on her and gotten back with her about 8 times. I'm shocked they're still together. But I'm getting to the point where I can't even trust my own judgment anymore. And why am I finding out about all this now?
Can you please help me out on this one? I'm so confused...
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend's mom doesn't tell you everything about your boyfriend, she tells you what she wants you to know. Still, it is entirely possible for what she told you to be true and still for him to have sex with some girl. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Now, I'm not saying he had sex -- I have no way of knowing that -- but since your friend's words are making you confused, it is a sign that your trust on your boyfriend is shaky at best.
Neither your mom, his mom, your friend, or me have anything to do with this. It boils down to your own gut and to your trust level in him. If you don't have trust, your relationship will not work.
By: Jessie
Age: 17
Location: Ohio
Question: Hello again. I have a serious issue that not only involves my boyfriend, but also involves friends.
Well, me and my boyfriend have had issues in the past. He dumped me through text to go out with this other girl, dated her for only a month after I dated him for 6 months, broke up with her, then about a half a year later, I forgave him because he seemed really sorry. We've been dating again since the beginning of this February.
Now everything seemed to be going good until just recently. My friends are the types who like drama (even though they constantly deny it) and I hear from one of my boyfriend's friends (who is my friend, too) and he told me while I was overseas in Japan and when my boyfriend was in New York, he was at a random party where he had sex with another girl. That was back in July of this year. He claimed this came from my boyfriend, but he claimed he didn't know who my boyfriend slept with.
My mom thinks my friends might be trying to start some bullcrap, but I honestly don't know who to believe anymore. My boyfriend's mom tells me everything about him. She went on and on about how he missed me while I was gone for the summer and how happy he was when he got my letter I wrote him. And my boyfriend's friend has done some things with to his girlfriend (who is also my friend) that he's not proud of. He's cheated on her and gotten back with her about 8 times. I'm shocked they're still together. But I'm getting to the point where I can't even trust my own judgment anymore. And why am I finding out about all this now?
Can you please help me out on this one? I'm so confused...
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend's mom doesn't tell you everything about your boyfriend, she tells you what she wants you to know. Still, it is entirely possible for what she told you to be true and still for him to have sex with some girl. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Now, I'm not saying he had sex -- I have no way of knowing that -- but since your friend's words are making you confused, it is a sign that your trust on your boyfriend is shaky at best.
Neither your mom, his mom, your friend, or me have anything to do with this. It boils down to your own gut and to your trust level in him. If you don't have trust, your relationship will not work.
He calls on a consistent basis
Submitted on Friday, September 25, 2009
By: Rob
Age: 27
Location: Charlotte
Question: What does it mean when a guy says he's busy with work 12 hours a day and has no time to spend with you? He calls on a consistent basis and has said he wants to take his time getting to know me but never asks question about me or spends time to get to know me.
VictorM's advice:
It means you are a possibility but not a priority, which makes you an improbability.
By: Rob
Age: 27
Location: Charlotte
Question: What does it mean when a guy says he's busy with work 12 hours a day and has no time to spend with you? He calls on a consistent basis and has said he wants to take his time getting to know me but never asks question about me or spends time to get to know me.
VictorM's advice:
It means you are a possibility but not a priority, which makes you an improbability.
A few months later he cheated
Submitted on Friday, September 25, 2009
By: Shenaye-Gaye
Age: 26
Location: Curacao
Question: Good Day,
My friend is in a situation that is honestly getting to me. I just think i need to get a different perspective from " a guy". Here goes... She has been in a relationship for 5 years now. For the last three years she has migrated and is living abroad. Before she left she proposed that they both break up and move on as she knows a long distance relationship can be hard. He insisted that he wants them to be together and eventually proposed. A few months later he cheated but she forgave him and they moved on( somewhat she grew increasingly suspicious of his activities). Anyway recently she paid him a surprise visit and whilst cleaning the house she discovered pantyliners in the bin as well as 2 condoms in his closet as well as 2 in his draw. They have two different expiration dates so she figures they are from two different packs.........The thing is they do not use condoms during sex. She has decided to leave him but i know she loves him and so i believe her credibility will be shot if she goes back to him after breaking up with him. This would not be the first time she has said she is leaving him but she always goes back. What i want though is your advise on the matter... what do you think of the whole thing, what would you advise her to do?
VictorM's advice:
Your friend is doing what she's doing of her own free will and will bang her head against that wall until it hurts enough, then, and only then, will she stop. Why is this getting to you? It's not like he is your boyfriend. It's not your life. And you are not the judge of what fractures her credibility -- she is.
I have no advice for her. Maybe she will go back, maybe she won't, but right now, she's doing what she needs to do to deal with her issues.
But I do have advice for you: support her and encourage her now if you can as long as you learn to separate her bad decisions from your own life. Most of us have enough problems of our own to deal with; placing the problems of others on our own shoulders is counterproductive.
By: Shenaye-Gaye
Age: 26
Location: Curacao
Question: Good Day,
My friend is in a situation that is honestly getting to me. I just think i need to get a different perspective from " a guy". Here goes... She has been in a relationship for 5 years now. For the last three years she has migrated and is living abroad. Before she left she proposed that they both break up and move on as she knows a long distance relationship can be hard. He insisted that he wants them to be together and eventually proposed. A few months later he cheated but she forgave him and they moved on( somewhat she grew increasingly suspicious of his activities). Anyway recently she paid him a surprise visit and whilst cleaning the house she discovered pantyliners in the bin as well as 2 condoms in his closet as well as 2 in his draw. They have two different expiration dates so she figures they are from two different packs.........The thing is they do not use condoms during sex. She has decided to leave him but i know she loves him and so i believe her credibility will be shot if she goes back to him after breaking up with him. This would not be the first time she has said she is leaving him but she always goes back. What i want though is your advise on the matter... what do you think of the whole thing, what would you advise her to do?
VictorM's advice:
Your friend is doing what she's doing of her own free will and will bang her head against that wall until it hurts enough, then, and only then, will she stop. Why is this getting to you? It's not like he is your boyfriend. It's not your life. And you are not the judge of what fractures her credibility -- she is.
I have no advice for her. Maybe she will go back, maybe she won't, but right now, she's doing what she needs to do to deal with her issues.
But I do have advice for you: support her and encourage her now if you can as long as you learn to separate her bad decisions from your own life. Most of us have enough problems of our own to deal with; placing the problems of others on our own shoulders is counterproductive.
We kept fighting and arguing
Submitted on Friday, September 25, 2009
By: Jen
Age: 21
Location: Illinois
Question: This guy used me for a whole year and didn't want to date me. We kept fighting and arguing so i stopped talking to him for 3 months. Now we are back at school and i told him that i got pregnant by him and all that awhile back and he ignored what i told him. so i decided to move on. but a week ago i asked him for help with some homework and he came over to help me out. he didn't try anything with me. he was really nice. and he said he is willing to help me out again. why is he being nice? and why is he still talking to me after everything we have been through. what could he be thinking?
VictorM's advice:
Guys love to show off when we know our stuff. So if you're asking him for help with something that he knows more than you, he's hardly capable of saying no.
But thinking is not involved here; if it were, you would have found someone else to help you.
By: Jen
Age: 21
Location: Illinois
Question: This guy used me for a whole year and didn't want to date me. We kept fighting and arguing so i stopped talking to him for 3 months. Now we are back at school and i told him that i got pregnant by him and all that awhile back and he ignored what i told him. so i decided to move on. but a week ago i asked him for help with some homework and he came over to help me out. he didn't try anything with me. he was really nice. and he said he is willing to help me out again. why is he being nice? and why is he still talking to me after everything we have been through. what could he be thinking?
VictorM's advice:
Guys love to show off when we know our stuff. So if you're asking him for help with something that he knows more than you, he's hardly capable of saying no.
But thinking is not involved here; if it were, you would have found someone else to help you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
I make twice what he makes
Submitted on Friday, September 25, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 34
Location: texas
Question: Hi I have a problem I m not sure how to fix. The love of my life told me he doesn't feel like a provider nor does he feel like a man because I make twice what he makes. I have never cared that he made less than me and I have told him that when he asks. I explained to him though I like nice things I don't want him to have to pay for my high maintenance things that make me feel girly. I also told him the best dates we had ever been on were the ones he planned that cost nothing. Those are my most cherished memories. He says he feels like a p**sy because he doesn't make any money. He came from a traditional family where his mom stayed at home and his dad worked. He said he wants to provide for me. I know he loves me. How do I help him feel like a provider and feel like a man, I guess?
VictorM's advice:
You have got a problem, no question about it, and the solution is out of your control. Clearly it makes no sense for you to quit your job and live in poverty, and you can't make him earn more money. It would be one thing if you were flaunting your higher income, but that doesn't appear to be the case.
I have no magic words for you. His feelings about this are very deep rooted and not likely to change. Professional therapy could help, but assuming he would even consider going -- chances are that he wouldn't -- how is he going to afford it?
I'll give him kudos for being honest with you -- many guys would not. That ability to speak about it is a good sign. Maybe you can continue to emphasize your happiness with non monetary things, and continue to express your love for him, hoping to ease his mind about it. Will it work? I don't know, but in all honesty I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry.
By: Kelly
Age: 34
Location: texas
Question: Hi I have a problem I m not sure how to fix. The love of my life told me he doesn't feel like a provider nor does he feel like a man because I make twice what he makes. I have never cared that he made less than me and I have told him that when he asks. I explained to him though I like nice things I don't want him to have to pay for my high maintenance things that make me feel girly. I also told him the best dates we had ever been on were the ones he planned that cost nothing. Those are my most cherished memories. He says he feels like a p**sy because he doesn't make any money. He came from a traditional family where his mom stayed at home and his dad worked. He said he wants to provide for me. I know he loves me. How do I help him feel like a provider and feel like a man, I guess?
VictorM's advice:
You have got a problem, no question about it, and the solution is out of your control. Clearly it makes no sense for you to quit your job and live in poverty, and you can't make him earn more money. It would be one thing if you were flaunting your higher income, but that doesn't appear to be the case.
I have no magic words for you. His feelings about this are very deep rooted and not likely to change. Professional therapy could help, but assuming he would even consider going -- chances are that he wouldn't -- how is he going to afford it?
I'll give him kudos for being honest with you -- many guys would not. That ability to speak about it is a good sign. Maybe you can continue to emphasize your happiness with non monetary things, and continue to express your love for him, hoping to ease his mind about it. Will it work? I don't know, but in all honesty I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry.
It was just bad timing
Submitted on Thursday, September 24, 2009
By: Michelle
Question: So I've already posted about this guy before but i have another question:
There is this guy that I met - we have a lot of mutual friends so I've heard about him for a couple months before actually meeting him. When we finally did meet, we hung out alone a couple days later and ended up making out. After that, he said it shouldn't happen again cause his roomie/best friend also likes me, along with one of his other friends. It was just bad timing/a complicated situation.
This happened at the very end of the semester and then we didn't really talk at all the following semester. Actually, to the point that he avoided me. Then we started talking again like 1 week before summer got out and I made attempts to be alone with him, but something happened so they all were unsuccessful.
I have to take this semester off for family emergency and he sent me the NICEST and supportive message saying that he'll be a phone call away from now until we're old and have rich, lavish lives. I've been talking to him more and more since that and I want to let him know that I am very happy we are friends again, but also hint that I like him more than just that for a relationship. Any ideas?
thanks for the help!
VictorM's advice:
You have an uphill climb when it comes to a relationship with this guy. His initial reluctance to repeat the making out with you had nothing to do with his friends liking you too -- it had to do with him not feeling it for you. That explains why he was avoiding you after.
Once he felt that the message had been sent that romance was not what he was after, he was willing to return to the friendship state. Any reading that he may be interested in more, or at least willing to consider it, may be too optimistic.
I suggest that you work on strengthening the friendship for a while before dropping hints that you want more. If I'm wrong about him and he wants more, then he will start flirting with you, but if he doesn't flirt with you, the message is loud and clear -- he's not into you.
By: Michelle
Question: So I've already posted about this guy before but i have another question:
There is this guy that I met - we have a lot of mutual friends so I've heard about him for a couple months before actually meeting him. When we finally did meet, we hung out alone a couple days later and ended up making out. After that, he said it shouldn't happen again cause his roomie/best friend also likes me, along with one of his other friends. It was just bad timing/a complicated situation.
This happened at the very end of the semester and then we didn't really talk at all the following semester. Actually, to the point that he avoided me. Then we started talking again like 1 week before summer got out and I made attempts to be alone with him, but something happened so they all were unsuccessful.
I have to take this semester off for family emergency and he sent me the NICEST and supportive message saying that he'll be a phone call away from now until we're old and have rich, lavish lives. I've been talking to him more and more since that and I want to let him know that I am very happy we are friends again, but also hint that I like him more than just that for a relationship. Any ideas?
thanks for the help!
VictorM's advice:
You have an uphill climb when it comes to a relationship with this guy. His initial reluctance to repeat the making out with you had nothing to do with his friends liking you too -- it had to do with him not feeling it for you. That explains why he was avoiding you after.
Once he felt that the message had been sent that romance was not what he was after, he was willing to return to the friendship state. Any reading that he may be interested in more, or at least willing to consider it, may be too optimistic.
I suggest that you work on strengthening the friendship for a while before dropping hints that you want more. If I'm wrong about him and he wants more, then he will start flirting with you, but if he doesn't flirt with you, the message is loud and clear -- he's not into you.
So he gets on his KNEES and begs for my forgiveness
Submitted on Thursday, September 24, 2009
By: Samia
Age: 21
Location: BC
Question: Hey Victor.
I'm not sure if you remember my last post (it was about a month ago). This guy I dated, and then subsequently decided to stop seeing, as he continually stood me up and only answered his phone call intermittently. Although he always proclaimed his love for me.
Well anyways, a couple of days ago I get a phone call from him (I hadn't a heard a word from him in over a month). And he says that he has to talk to me in person as he has a lot to say. So I see him, and he tells me he wants to apologise for his actions, exact words were 'for being an asshole and taking you for granted'. He had been to a wedding and had seen a bunch of couples and realised how badly he had messed up with me.
So he gets on his KNEES and begs for my forgiveness and asks me to give him another shot at being my boyfriend.
So I told him what I told him last time i saw him. He can prove to me he's worth it (calls, following thru etc...) but in the meantime I'd see other people (matter of fact, I'd already started). He seemed shocked and said he was really hurt, and would put up with sharing me for the meantime, but in due time I would have to choose either him or the other guy. And he kept saying how much he loved me and envisioned a future together (including marriage and kids, wtf?)(incidentally, his brother also asked to date me, FML!)
What I wanna know is, what the hell is going on? I've never slept with him, he knows it's not gonna happen, I'm not a big fan of commitment, so I told him i really wasn't in the market for a bf. All three guys (the original, his brother, and new guy) have asked me to be their gf (exclusive and all that mess) but I've told them I'm not ready to settle down.
Is it my constant use of the word 'no' that makes me seem like a challenge?
Victor whats your take on this return of the original guy and my situation? Sorry for the rambling.
VictorM's advice:
I do remember your previous questions ("Samia" is a name that easily stands out). I see you recently joined the forum, so I look forward to further conversations there.
Well, Samia, I don't know how much your "no" answers stoke their desire for you, but this guy does not sound very stable. I say this because I don't believe in these sudden realizations that all of a sudden a guy is so in love with a girl. I know this type of thing is very popular in romance novels and romantic movies because it makes for good plot lines, but in real life? Not so. And to top it off he's hurt that you don't just drop everything else in your life and open your arms to him?
Run away, Samia, run! Or at least keep saying "NO!"
By: Samia
Age: 21
Location: BC
Question: Hey Victor.
I'm not sure if you remember my last post (it was about a month ago). This guy I dated, and then subsequently decided to stop seeing, as he continually stood me up and only answered his phone call intermittently. Although he always proclaimed his love for me.
Well anyways, a couple of days ago I get a phone call from him (I hadn't a heard a word from him in over a month). And he says that he has to talk to me in person as he has a lot to say. So I see him, and he tells me he wants to apologise for his actions, exact words were 'for being an asshole and taking you for granted'. He had been to a wedding and had seen a bunch of couples and realised how badly he had messed up with me.
So he gets on his KNEES and begs for my forgiveness and asks me to give him another shot at being my boyfriend.
So I told him what I told him last time i saw him. He can prove to me he's worth it (calls, following thru etc...) but in the meantime I'd see other people (matter of fact, I'd already started). He seemed shocked and said he was really hurt, and would put up with sharing me for the meantime, but in due time I would have to choose either him or the other guy. And he kept saying how much he loved me and envisioned a future together (including marriage and kids, wtf?)(incidentally, his brother also asked to date me, FML!)
What I wanna know is, what the hell is going on? I've never slept with him, he knows it's not gonna happen, I'm not a big fan of commitment, so I told him i really wasn't in the market for a bf. All three guys (the original, his brother, and new guy) have asked me to be their gf (exclusive and all that mess) but I've told them I'm not ready to settle down.
Is it my constant use of the word 'no' that makes me seem like a challenge?
Victor whats your take on this return of the original guy and my situation? Sorry for the rambling.
VictorM's advice:
I do remember your previous questions ("Samia" is a name that easily stands out). I see you recently joined the forum, so I look forward to further conversations there.
Well, Samia, I don't know how much your "no" answers stoke their desire for you, but this guy does not sound very stable. I say this because I don't believe in these sudden realizations that all of a sudden a guy is so in love with a girl. I know this type of thing is very popular in romance novels and romantic movies because it makes for good plot lines, but in real life? Not so. And to top it off he's hurt that you don't just drop everything else in your life and open your arms to him?
Run away, Samia, run! Or at least keep saying "NO!"
He keeps giving off mixed signals
Submitted on Thursday, September 24, 2009
By: Sabrina
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question: I've been seeing this guy who I’m really interested in but he keeps giving off mixed signals. He tells me he likes me and when we talk we talk all the time but then he would go days without talking to me too (although I do know that he’s a workaholic). We have a really good connection sexually and spiritually and in my town it’s a big thing to spend the night out but he would ask me and tell me to stay the night. I've met his parents and I know all of his friends. So the question is why does he run if he acts like he’s into me??
VictorM's advice:
He runs because he's NOT into you. Oh, he may like certain things about you, he may have some fun around you, he may want to explore that sexual connection, but in general, he's NOT into you.
By: Sabrina
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question: I've been seeing this guy who I’m really interested in but he keeps giving off mixed signals. He tells me he likes me and when we talk we talk all the time but then he would go days without talking to me too (although I do know that he’s a workaholic). We have a really good connection sexually and spiritually and in my town it’s a big thing to spend the night out but he would ask me and tell me to stay the night. I've met his parents and I know all of his friends. So the question is why does he run if he acts like he’s into me??
VictorM's advice:
He runs because he's NOT into you. Oh, he may like certain things about you, he may have some fun around you, he may want to explore that sexual connection, but in general, he's NOT into you.
I found the naked pictures
Submitted on Thursday, September 24, 2009
By: Erica
Age: 33
Location: Richmond
Question: So I was snooping in my boyfriend's email and got what I deserved. I found the naked pictures. Granted he didn't know me when he received them, but if he LURVES me so much than why does he still have them. I have a pretty good body that I take care of and I'm not bad to look at (even with clothes on). I'm quick to take the hell off at the sign of nonsense and I want to run. But I love him and he says he loves me insert blahblahblah. Should I stay and wait for things to go sour or should i start looking for an apartment.
VictorM's advice:
Pardon my language but what the fuck does your boyfriend having naked pictures on a computer have anything to do with his love for you? And what the fuck does that have to do with your body?
OK, with that out of the way...
Does he even remember having the pictures there? Why should he have deleted them? Should he go back and read every piece of email he has on his computer to make sure your fragile little ego isn't offended?
I don't know his email setup, but I use Google's email and they give you so much free space that their advertising even says "you never have to delete email." I have tons of junk saved (just looked, over 3,000 emails) and yes, including some naked pictures that I never even think about (and some that I do). Lord only knows what would be found in my computer between the pictures and flirty emails.
If anyone should consider moving out to a new apartment, your boyfriend should. After all, he's not the one betraying trust by snooping around and invading your privacy.
And if your body is so hot... let's see the pictures. I have plenty of disk space. ;) (kidding, kidding)
By: Erica
Age: 33
Location: Richmond
Question: So I was snooping in my boyfriend's email and got what I deserved. I found the naked pictures. Granted he didn't know me when he received them, but if he LURVES me so much than why does he still have them. I have a pretty good body that I take care of and I'm not bad to look at (even with clothes on). I'm quick to take the hell off at the sign of nonsense and I want to run. But I love him and he says he loves me insert blahblahblah. Should I stay and wait for things to go sour or should i start looking for an apartment.
VictorM's advice:
Pardon my language but what the fuck does your boyfriend having naked pictures on a computer have anything to do with his love for you? And what the fuck does that have to do with your body?
OK, with that out of the way...
Does he even remember having the pictures there? Why should he have deleted them? Should he go back and read every piece of email he has on his computer to make sure your fragile little ego isn't offended?
I don't know his email setup, but I use Google's email and they give you so much free space that their advertising even says "you never have to delete email." I have tons of junk saved (just looked, over 3,000 emails) and yes, including some naked pictures that I never even think about (and some that I do). Lord only knows what would be found in my computer between the pictures and flirty emails.
If anyone should consider moving out to a new apartment, your boyfriend should. After all, he's not the one betraying trust by snooping around and invading your privacy.
And if your body is so hot... let's see the pictures. I have plenty of disk space. ;) (kidding, kidding)
We have been on a break for a little over a month now
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: Shanae
Age: 18
Location: philadelphia
Question: So me and my bf were going out for almost 7 months. things were good at first but then, i mean, things weren't the way they should have been. it was my first real relationship but it didn't feel like one so one day i just got the courage to tell him that i think that we should take a break. and we have been on a break for a little over a month now.
The first 2 weeks of the break were rough. i didn't really know what to do. I wasn't sure what a break was and we were kind of forcing a friendship so we just stopped talking as much. and after a while of pretending, we put our feelings on the table and talked things out and now things are better. we are still on a break but our relationship seems to be getting better. he wants to get back together and so do i but i have another problem.
I have liked another guy for a long time way before i met my bf and basically we always talked but i had a bf and he respected that but now we have really been talking more since my break and basically i have feelings for both of them. i want my bf back but i don't wanna let the other guy go. it's so hard because they both treat me like a gf and i just feel so bad because when my ex bf asks me have i been talking to other people i lie and i'm not this kind of person. i just don't know what to do. my feelings are all over the place.
i'm not looking for a easy answer. i just don't know exactly how to make the right decision. i want them both. i know that's selfish but if you put them together they would make the perfect guy for me.....please give me your honest opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Well, buy a few tubes of Crazy Glue and glue them together. Not only do you accomplish your desire of putting them together, but you get two penises for the price of Crazy Glue. Cool, no?
OK, OK... seriously... I know that society shuns the idea of liking more than one person, but what you are experiencing is neither selfish nor that unusual. It happens often (for example, I like Angelina Jolie AND Jennifer Aniston, which makes me happy not to be Brad Pitt because I'd hate to have to choose).
Now, you seem like a girl who has been making the right decisions so far. For example, you didn't think your relationship was quite right so you asked for a break. When the break wasn't going well, you sat down and talked it over. That's maturity. You really should give yourself a lot of credit for doing the right things.
I trust you will do the right thing now. Yes, you like two guys. All it means is you aren't ready to choose one. But you're a wise girl. In due time, something will happen that will make your choice clear. And when that happens, you will know it. Meanwhile, don't feel pressured to have to choose one or the other.
You don't have to lie to your boyfriend; but you don't have to tell him the whole truth either. You can tell him that you talk to other friends. He doesn't need to know about the specifics or how you feel about each of those friends. As a very wise young woman recently told me: you don't have to be so honest all the time. And that reminded me of the 3 secrets to a happy life:
1. Don't lie.
2. Don't tell the whole truth.
3. Don't pass up a chance to go to the bathroom.
By: Shanae
Age: 18
Location: philadelphia
Question: So me and my bf were going out for almost 7 months. things were good at first but then, i mean, things weren't the way they should have been. it was my first real relationship but it didn't feel like one so one day i just got the courage to tell him that i think that we should take a break. and we have been on a break for a little over a month now.
The first 2 weeks of the break were rough. i didn't really know what to do. I wasn't sure what a break was and we were kind of forcing a friendship so we just stopped talking as much. and after a while of pretending, we put our feelings on the table and talked things out and now things are better. we are still on a break but our relationship seems to be getting better. he wants to get back together and so do i but i have another problem.
I have liked another guy for a long time way before i met my bf and basically we always talked but i had a bf and he respected that but now we have really been talking more since my break and basically i have feelings for both of them. i want my bf back but i don't wanna let the other guy go. it's so hard because they both treat me like a gf and i just feel so bad because when my ex bf asks me have i been talking to other people i lie and i'm not this kind of person. i just don't know what to do. my feelings are all over the place.
i'm not looking for a easy answer. i just don't know exactly how to make the right decision. i want them both. i know that's selfish but if you put them together they would make the perfect guy for me.....please give me your honest opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Well, buy a few tubes of Crazy Glue and glue them together. Not only do you accomplish your desire of putting them together, but you get two penises for the price of Crazy Glue. Cool, no?
OK, OK... seriously... I know that society shuns the idea of liking more than one person, but what you are experiencing is neither selfish nor that unusual. It happens often (for example, I like Angelina Jolie AND Jennifer Aniston, which makes me happy not to be Brad Pitt because I'd hate to have to choose).
Now, you seem like a girl who has been making the right decisions so far. For example, you didn't think your relationship was quite right so you asked for a break. When the break wasn't going well, you sat down and talked it over. That's maturity. You really should give yourself a lot of credit for doing the right things.
I trust you will do the right thing now. Yes, you like two guys. All it means is you aren't ready to choose one. But you're a wise girl. In due time, something will happen that will make your choice clear. And when that happens, you will know it. Meanwhile, don't feel pressured to have to choose one or the other.
You don't have to lie to your boyfriend; but you don't have to tell him the whole truth either. You can tell him that you talk to other friends. He doesn't need to know about the specifics or how you feel about each of those friends. As a very wise young woman recently told me: you don't have to be so honest all the time. And that reminded me of the 3 secrets to a happy life:
1. Don't lie.
2. Don't tell the whole truth.
3. Don't pass up a chance to go to the bathroom.
He thinks we both want different things
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: Amanda
Age: 20
Location: Vancouver
Question: I met this guy about a month ago. We have been hanging out a few times and definitely had good connection. He always said how he really enjoys hanging out with me and is really interested in me. My problem is i just got out of a 5 year relationship and was being shy when he would lean in to kiss me. I would kiss him back but not give him much more. He had said a few times that he was wanting to move things further and he was very interested, after spending the night at his place one night.
The next day he went away for a family wedding and hardly talked to me and wouldn't respond to texts or calls. Before we had talked all the time. Yesterday he told me that he thinks we both want different things and wants to be friends but won't explain it any further.
Do you think it was because he felt i wasn't as interested as he was? In this case, when i told him i'd like to try again cause i realized i messed up, why is he still not responding? Should i give him time and maybe he will want the have other chance? I'm confused because i don't think i did anything wrong. Unless he just wanted a hook up and all the things he said about a relationship were just to "hook up."
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
It's unlikely that you did anything, as well as unlikely that he just wanted to hook up. What seems more probably to me is what is by far the most common sequence of events and quite often the conclusion of the dating process: guy likes girl, gets very enthusiastic about her, and after a while that enthusiasm fades suddenly, and he moves on leaving the girl scratching her head as to what happened.
There's nothing to explain further because chances are it was nothing specific that you did and nothing specific about you that he can point a finger to. He simply lost interest during the process of getting to know you. It just happens. A guy gets up one morning and he simply realizes that he's not that interested anymore as he was the night before. If you persist, guys will make up some stuff just to get you off their back, but rarely does it resemble the truth.
Could he come back and try again? Not likely. Once the magic is gone, it's gone. The loss of romantic interest is like toothpaste: once it's out of the tube, you can't put it back in.
By: Amanda
Age: 20
Location: Vancouver
Question: I met this guy about a month ago. We have been hanging out a few times and definitely had good connection. He always said how he really enjoys hanging out with me and is really interested in me. My problem is i just got out of a 5 year relationship and was being shy when he would lean in to kiss me. I would kiss him back but not give him much more. He had said a few times that he was wanting to move things further and he was very interested, after spending the night at his place one night.
The next day he went away for a family wedding and hardly talked to me and wouldn't respond to texts or calls. Before we had talked all the time. Yesterday he told me that he thinks we both want different things and wants to be friends but won't explain it any further.
Do you think it was because he felt i wasn't as interested as he was? In this case, when i told him i'd like to try again cause i realized i messed up, why is he still not responding? Should i give him time and maybe he will want the have other chance? I'm confused because i don't think i did anything wrong. Unless he just wanted a hook up and all the things he said about a relationship were just to "hook up."
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
It's unlikely that you did anything, as well as unlikely that he just wanted to hook up. What seems more probably to me is what is by far the most common sequence of events and quite often the conclusion of the dating process: guy likes girl, gets very enthusiastic about her, and after a while that enthusiasm fades suddenly, and he moves on leaving the girl scratching her head as to what happened.
There's nothing to explain further because chances are it was nothing specific that you did and nothing specific about you that he can point a finger to. He simply lost interest during the process of getting to know you. It just happens. A guy gets up one morning and he simply realizes that he's not that interested anymore as he was the night before. If you persist, guys will make up some stuff just to get you off their back, but rarely does it resemble the truth.
Could he come back and try again? Not likely. Once the magic is gone, it's gone. The loss of romantic interest is like toothpaste: once it's out of the tube, you can't put it back in.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
e-mail etiquette
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: Marci
Age: a young 53
Location: Chandler, AZ
Question: I'm hoping you can clear up something regarding e-mail etiquette and more. My husband sends e-mails to both men and women at times with smiley faces and wink faces even to people he doesn't know very well. I have told him that women view this as suggestive for the most part and he disagrees. He states he means nothing by it and that is is not commonly view as suggestive or even unprofessional. I'm in the practice of doing this with close friends or those I have a relationship with as I view it as a little more intimate. Can you shed some light on this disagreement? Thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
I never really thought much about this... but I suppose what precedes the wink is what matters. Saying "this morning I woke up with a pain on my knee and took a pain killer ;)" is totally different saying "today I woke up with a boner and thought of you ;)"
A couple of other points:
Your husbands needs to understand that what he means by something is not what's important -- the people reading his emails aren't reading his mind. He should consider the audience, not his intentions.
Do women mind the winks? I have no comment on that but invite female readers to chime in and give us your thoughts on emails such as Marci describes. (Please use the VISITOR COMMENTS section below).
By: Marci
Age: a young 53
Location: Chandler, AZ
Question: I'm hoping you can clear up something regarding e-mail etiquette and more. My husband sends e-mails to both men and women at times with smiley faces and wink faces even to people he doesn't know very well. I have told him that women view this as suggestive for the most part and he disagrees. He states he means nothing by it and that is is not commonly view as suggestive or even unprofessional. I'm in the practice of doing this with close friends or those I have a relationship with as I view it as a little more intimate. Can you shed some light on this disagreement? Thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
I never really thought much about this... but I suppose what precedes the wink is what matters. Saying "this morning I woke up with a pain on my knee and took a pain killer ;)" is totally different saying "today I woke up with a boner and thought of you ;)"
A couple of other points:
Your husbands needs to understand that what he means by something is not what's important -- the people reading his emails aren't reading his mind. He should consider the audience, not his intentions.
Do women mind the winks? I have no comment on that but invite female readers to chime in and give us your thoughts on emails such as Marci describes. (Please use the VISITOR COMMENTS section below).
I know not to make the first move
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: Marley
Age: 12
Location: u.s.a
Question: there is this really cute guy and i'm not sure if he likes me or not but i really want to go out with him .... i know not to make the first move but i don't know what else to do because my flirting isn't making him ask me out and i haven't even told him i liked him yet i want to but i don't know how what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
Well, Marley, boys around your age are not as mature as girls in these matters. That's why your flirting probably isn't working because he doesn't know you're flirting.
The best approach is to try to just be friends first. Get to know each other, laugh, listen to music, play video games, and this way see if you actually like each other. He's probably more willing to start that way.
So try to find out what he likes and make that your major point of conversation with him.
By: Marley
Age: 12
Location: u.s.a
Question: there is this really cute guy and i'm not sure if he likes me or not but i really want to go out with him .... i know not to make the first move but i don't know what else to do because my flirting isn't making him ask me out and i haven't even told him i liked him yet i want to but i don't know how what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
Well, Marley, boys around your age are not as mature as girls in these matters. That's why your flirting probably isn't working because he doesn't know you're flirting.
The best approach is to try to just be friends first. Get to know each other, laugh, listen to music, play video games, and this way see if you actually like each other. He's probably more willing to start that way.
So try to find out what he likes and make that your major point of conversation with him.
How to deal with my jealousy and his past
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: stella
Age: 34
Location: sweden
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for one and half year. We met on a dating site, then it turned out that we work in the same company. We get along very well, we are connected on different levels. Things are great. he proposed last month. Now we are engaged. We bought a flat together and will move together very soon.
The only issue between us is how to deal with my jealousy and his past.
A short summary of his past.
1. First puppy love when he was an exchange student abroad, long time ago.
2. Second girlfriend (the first one he has sex with) from the same high school. It was long distance because he went to the university. The girl ended the relationship.
3. A two year relationship when he was in the university. Corridor friends, lived together for 2 years. Got along well, stable relationship. When he was away for 6 weeks, the girl met another guy at a concert and she decided to break up firmly, no room for discussion.
4. To fill the loneliness, he started internet dating. He met a woman who has a simple job in the city. She suggested to be sexual partner, he agreed. It lasted for one month. The women decided to end this because she thought he wanted more than sex. But he said he did not want more than sex.
5. He met another one from internet, it lasted for 4 month. It ended because the girl was not sure.
6. He met one more from internet, it lasted for half a year. When they met, he was looking for new position, which meant he might need to move. She said she was willing to move with him. But half a year later when he got a position in another town, she changed her mind.
7. After moved to the new town, he met another one from the internet. The woman was very stressed because of work, this made her always doubt relationship, being negative, etc. my boyfriend took the initiative to break up, she agreed. But they did not break up. They still went out together, had sex, for half a year, until my boyfriend found out this women was having another date.
Our problem or my doubts are:
1. I happened to see my boyfriend's old diary. It described his study life, also including relationship with No.7. It was a quick look, but I saw he wrote about a romantic evening they had, wine, wonderful sex on the couch. I felt very upset. Knowing he has a history is different from knowing the details. This picture in my mind bothers me. I feel upset, I can not be close with my boyfriend. I wonder how to get rid of these pictures.
2. Another uncomfortable feeling is his past makes me doubt him, and judge him. First, he has been dumped every time. Was he unlucky to meet serious girls, or was he not good enough to keep woman? Second, I think one night stand or sex partners are very disgusting. Such people have bad self control or low moral. Third, his slow breakup shows that he did not have clear and serious mind. In general, I wonder if I pick up the right guy?
We are visiting professional therapist, to learn how to deal with our problems. It has not gone that far.
I saw some smart comments from this site, so that I post my problem here. Your opinion are very welcome.
VictorM's advice:
And Americans think that all Swedes are wild sex maniacs with no morals. Are you sure you're Swedish, Stella? :)
Well, I commend you for seeking professional therapy. It is the best approach. But I will cover a few things about your questions:
1. Are you telling me that at 34 you have not had romantic encounters, ones that if you were to write the experiences in detail it might give pause to someone reading it? While most partners would not want to know the gory details, past behavior is a good indication of how they might behave in the future. Doesn't it, in fact, make your boyfriend more appealing to know that he is capable of romantic evenings? If indeed he felt anything for the women he was with -- doesn't have to be love -- it is only a good omen for you that he could do the whole music/wine/sex on couch thing because it reflects a part of his personality, one that most women covet.
2. Being dumped most of the time does not mean there is something wrong with him. Many guys HATE to breakup with a girl or make her cry, so they hang around until such time as she takes the initiative. Your boyfriend could be one of those guys. Besides, even if that's not the case, one person's trash is another person's treasure.
The whole one night stand should not be measured by your morals because you weren't the one doing it. Expecting others to behave exactly as you would is closed minded. There are many factors that play a role in behavior -- such as circumstances, opportunity, mood, etc. -- and since you weren't there, judging is simply too rash of you.
Lastly, his slow breakups could be more indicative of his low level of energy and passion than anything else. Maybe he just never put enough effort into the relationships and consequently, didn't put that much effort in ending them.
As to whether you picked the right guy or not, well, that I can't say, but giving you purely a guy's view, nothing that you described makes him sound like a bad catch. He sounds pretty much like the typical guy that had an average number of relationships, with varying degrees of results, and now he has found you and is focusing on you. And the present is all that matters.
By: stella
Age: 34
Location: sweden
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for one and half year. We met on a dating site, then it turned out that we work in the same company. We get along very well, we are connected on different levels. Things are great. he proposed last month. Now we are engaged. We bought a flat together and will move together very soon.
The only issue between us is how to deal with my jealousy and his past.
A short summary of his past.
1. First puppy love when he was an exchange student abroad, long time ago.
2. Second girlfriend (the first one he has sex with) from the same high school. It was long distance because he went to the university. The girl ended the relationship.
3. A two year relationship when he was in the university. Corridor friends, lived together for 2 years. Got along well, stable relationship. When he was away for 6 weeks, the girl met another guy at a concert and she decided to break up firmly, no room for discussion.
4. To fill the loneliness, he started internet dating. He met a woman who has a simple job in the city. She suggested to be sexual partner, he agreed. It lasted for one month. The women decided to end this because she thought he wanted more than sex. But he said he did not want more than sex.
5. He met another one from internet, it lasted for 4 month. It ended because the girl was not sure.
6. He met one more from internet, it lasted for half a year. When they met, he was looking for new position, which meant he might need to move. She said she was willing to move with him. But half a year later when he got a position in another town, she changed her mind.
7. After moved to the new town, he met another one from the internet. The woman was very stressed because of work, this made her always doubt relationship, being negative, etc. my boyfriend took the initiative to break up, she agreed. But they did not break up. They still went out together, had sex, for half a year, until my boyfriend found out this women was having another date.
Our problem or my doubts are:
1. I happened to see my boyfriend's old diary. It described his study life, also including relationship with No.7. It was a quick look, but I saw he wrote about a romantic evening they had, wine, wonderful sex on the couch. I felt very upset. Knowing he has a history is different from knowing the details. This picture in my mind bothers me. I feel upset, I can not be close with my boyfriend. I wonder how to get rid of these pictures.
2. Another uncomfortable feeling is his past makes me doubt him, and judge him. First, he has been dumped every time. Was he unlucky to meet serious girls, or was he not good enough to keep woman? Second, I think one night stand or sex partners are very disgusting. Such people have bad self control or low moral. Third, his slow breakup shows that he did not have clear and serious mind. In general, I wonder if I pick up the right guy?
We are visiting professional therapist, to learn how to deal with our problems. It has not gone that far.
I saw some smart comments from this site, so that I post my problem here. Your opinion are very welcome.
VictorM's advice:
And Americans think that all Swedes are wild sex maniacs with no morals. Are you sure you're Swedish, Stella? :)
Well, I commend you for seeking professional therapy. It is the best approach. But I will cover a few things about your questions:
1. Are you telling me that at 34 you have not had romantic encounters, ones that if you were to write the experiences in detail it might give pause to someone reading it? While most partners would not want to know the gory details, past behavior is a good indication of how they might behave in the future. Doesn't it, in fact, make your boyfriend more appealing to know that he is capable of romantic evenings? If indeed he felt anything for the women he was with -- doesn't have to be love -- it is only a good omen for you that he could do the whole music/wine/sex on couch thing because it reflects a part of his personality, one that most women covet.
2. Being dumped most of the time does not mean there is something wrong with him. Many guys HATE to breakup with a girl or make her cry, so they hang around until such time as she takes the initiative. Your boyfriend could be one of those guys. Besides, even if that's not the case, one person's trash is another person's treasure.
The whole one night stand should not be measured by your morals because you weren't the one doing it. Expecting others to behave exactly as you would is closed minded. There are many factors that play a role in behavior -- such as circumstances, opportunity, mood, etc. -- and since you weren't there, judging is simply too rash of you.
Lastly, his slow breakups could be more indicative of his low level of energy and passion than anything else. Maybe he just never put enough effort into the relationships and consequently, didn't put that much effort in ending them.
As to whether you picked the right guy or not, well, that I can't say, but giving you purely a guy's view, nothing that you described makes him sound like a bad catch. He sounds pretty much like the typical guy that had an average number of relationships, with varying degrees of results, and now he has found you and is focusing on you. And the present is all that matters.
A whirlwind relationship
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: Giselle
Age: 31
Location: Newfoundland
Question: I have been with this guy for over a year. Was a whirlwind relationship, we met in July and moved in together in October. Been alot of ups and downs. Seems we can't go a week without arguing. On the same note, he's everything I've been looking for in a partner. He's giving, personable, and funny. When we have good days, it's unbelievably great, but our off days usually end in one of us wanting to leave the relationship. Usually him. I then sit with him and tell him how much I love him and that I want him to stay. I've always been the one who kept us together. Problem is, he can be jealous and has always been easily angered. I never grew up around anger so I have always been sympathetic and "there" for him. Our biggest problems are money and his lack of giving to the relationship. Although he tells me he loves me and praises me to his friends all the time, he hasn't ever taken me to dinner (that he paid for)and still hasn't produced even a card for our 1st anniversary (July). He has some anger issues where he's had outbursts, but I've always stayed by his side because I know that he had a rough childhood and that he's not angry at me, he just doesn't know how to deal with stress. He has started anger management counseling and is hoping to get better with dealing with situations that cause him frustration and stress. It was a large blow-out that prompted him to go to counseling in the first place. I want to stay by his side as I always have, but have been feeling somewhat used (the bills get paid only when I pay them) and that there is little equality in the relationship (mostly everything goes his way to avoid arguments and upset). Now that he is getting help, should I try to stick out this relationship or is the writing on the wall?
VictorM's advice:
You argue all the time but he's everything you've ever wanted in a guy... and girls think guys are the oddballs. :-p
You've stuck with him this far and now that he's actually seeking help for his anger you're asking if you should leave the guy that is everything you ever wanted? Come on, it would be silly to bail out now. Professional therapy may not work, but when it does, it can work wonders. So give him a chance.
But, I have to be honest with you. He's not the only one that needs therapy. You have a few screws that may not be missing, but surely need fixing. Maybe you should go to therapy as a couple. The equality imbalance, and how to handle it, is as much his problems as it is yours.
At some point you have to accept that you can't have perfection from the guy. For example, he's funny. That's a trait that not every man possesses. You can beg and plead all you want with a guy to be funny, but if he isn't, he just is never going to be. There are other traits that elude some guys and trying to get them to change is a futile and wastes energy.
Maybe your guy never going to handle his bills well. Does that make him a bad guy? No. Balance doesn't mean you have to share things 50/50. For example, if he fixes the cars all the time and you pay all the bills... well, that could be a form of balance, if you just accept it as such. Instead of banging your head against that wall, find ways around it.
By: Giselle
Age: 31
Location: Newfoundland
Question: I have been with this guy for over a year. Was a whirlwind relationship, we met in July and moved in together in October. Been alot of ups and downs. Seems we can't go a week without arguing. On the same note, he's everything I've been looking for in a partner. He's giving, personable, and funny. When we have good days, it's unbelievably great, but our off days usually end in one of us wanting to leave the relationship. Usually him. I then sit with him and tell him how much I love him and that I want him to stay. I've always been the one who kept us together. Problem is, he can be jealous and has always been easily angered. I never grew up around anger so I have always been sympathetic and "there" for him. Our biggest problems are money and his lack of giving to the relationship. Although he tells me he loves me and praises me to his friends all the time, he hasn't ever taken me to dinner (that he paid for)and still hasn't produced even a card for our 1st anniversary (July). He has some anger issues where he's had outbursts, but I've always stayed by his side because I know that he had a rough childhood and that he's not angry at me, he just doesn't know how to deal with stress. He has started anger management counseling and is hoping to get better with dealing with situations that cause him frustration and stress. It was a large blow-out that prompted him to go to counseling in the first place. I want to stay by his side as I always have, but have been feeling somewhat used (the bills get paid only when I pay them) and that there is little equality in the relationship (mostly everything goes his way to avoid arguments and upset). Now that he is getting help, should I try to stick out this relationship or is the writing on the wall?
VictorM's advice:
You argue all the time but he's everything you've ever wanted in a guy... and girls think guys are the oddballs. :-p
You've stuck with him this far and now that he's actually seeking help for his anger you're asking if you should leave the guy that is everything you ever wanted? Come on, it would be silly to bail out now. Professional therapy may not work, but when it does, it can work wonders. So give him a chance.
But, I have to be honest with you. He's not the only one that needs therapy. You have a few screws that may not be missing, but surely need fixing. Maybe you should go to therapy as a couple. The equality imbalance, and how to handle it, is as much his problems as it is yours.
At some point you have to accept that you can't have perfection from the guy. For example, he's funny. That's a trait that not every man possesses. You can beg and plead all you want with a guy to be funny, but if he isn't, he just is never going to be. There are other traits that elude some guys and trying to get them to change is a futile and wastes energy.
Maybe your guy never going to handle his bills well. Does that make him a bad guy? No. Balance doesn't mean you have to share things 50/50. For example, if he fixes the cars all the time and you pay all the bills... well, that could be a form of balance, if you just accept it as such. Instead of banging your head against that wall, find ways around it.
We both do not mention any romantic interest
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: Sally
Age: 31
Location: Sydney
Question: I met a guy last year through a common friend. He's 11 years older than me and has been divorced 7 years ago. We go out for drinks once in a while, but we both do not mention any romantic interest towards each other.
The past three months, we started to get even closer and we have been seeing each other a bit more often than usual. I would still consider our dates infrequent though (like two to three times a month only) because I usually say "no" to his invites.
He calls me about 3 times a week and we talk on the phone for about an hour. He texts me almost everyday. We talk about anything under the sun during those long conversations. He never tells me if he likes me or not, but that is ok. What is bothering me is that 25% of the time, he talks about his exes and I can sense that he misses them. During our conversations, he sometimes mentions his ex-wife and how sad he was that his ex-wife cheated on him and how he wished he never had to go through a divorce. He still sounds sad about his divorce even though it has happened seven years ago. He also regularly tells me about one of his ex-girlfriends with whom he recently had constant communication. Recently, he and this ex-gf had a fight and the girl cut off their communication completely...and he seems sad about it because he keeps on talking about it.
When we are not talking about his exes, he is a sweet guy who is complimenting me once in a while. He is very attentive to my needs.
Because of all this, I am getting mixed messages. His regular phone calls and texts make me feel that he likes me. He still asks me out regularly (even if I often say "no") and he is such a gentleman when we are together. However, it seems he is not yet over with his ex-wife. And the recent rejection from his ex-girlfriend is also affecting him so much. Why then is he giving me all this attention? Is it because he likes me genuinely? Or is it only because he needs to feed his own ego after the rejection from women he has gone through?
I am not the clingy type and I am definitely not acting too needy, but I am sweet to him when we are together.
I have above-average looks; I have a sexy (hourglass) figure. I am smart and I have a high-power career which could match his achievements (considering he is 11 yrs older than me). I have my own share of admirers so I guess I am not unattractive. I am comparable with his exes, except that I am ten years younger than them. I am saying this because it seems he is comparing me against his exes.
I like him and I hope he likes me too. What do his actions mean? What is the best thing to do in order to keep him interested?
Thanks for the advice.
VictorM's advice:
You like him and you hope he likes you too... um... then why do you usually say "no" to him? Isn't that sending a huge mixed signal?
Talking about his exes not only means he's not over them, it means he sees you primarily as a listener, not as a potential partner. Now, that doesn't mean he can't see you as a partner sometime in the future, but he doesn't see it as of now.
Part of the attention he gives you could be an attempt to correct what went wrong before. For example, if his ex-wife complained that he wasn't attentive enough, he is now pushing himself to correct that flaw, and you are the beneficiary of that attempt. You may not be you that's fueling that behavior.
Most people after a breakup have the need to talk about their exes and what went wrong for varying periods of time. But if seven years later he's still in that mode, to the point that months into going out with you he's still talking so much about his exes, well, frankly, that's not a good sign.
But, one question for you: if you like him and you'd like him to like you, why aren't you introducing some flirtation into the conversation as a way to signal your intentions? I don't know what his achievements are, but I doubt "mind reader" is one of them.
By: Sally
Age: 31
Location: Sydney
Question: I met a guy last year through a common friend. He's 11 years older than me and has been divorced 7 years ago. We go out for drinks once in a while, but we both do not mention any romantic interest towards each other.
The past three months, we started to get even closer and we have been seeing each other a bit more often than usual. I would still consider our dates infrequent though (like two to three times a month only) because I usually say "no" to his invites.
He calls me about 3 times a week and we talk on the phone for about an hour. He texts me almost everyday. We talk about anything under the sun during those long conversations. He never tells me if he likes me or not, but that is ok. What is bothering me is that 25% of the time, he talks about his exes and I can sense that he misses them. During our conversations, he sometimes mentions his ex-wife and how sad he was that his ex-wife cheated on him and how he wished he never had to go through a divorce. He still sounds sad about his divorce even though it has happened seven years ago. He also regularly tells me about one of his ex-girlfriends with whom he recently had constant communication. Recently, he and this ex-gf had a fight and the girl cut off their communication completely...and he seems sad about it because he keeps on talking about it.
When we are not talking about his exes, he is a sweet guy who is complimenting me once in a while. He is very attentive to my needs.
Because of all this, I am getting mixed messages. His regular phone calls and texts make me feel that he likes me. He still asks me out regularly (even if I often say "no") and he is such a gentleman when we are together. However, it seems he is not yet over with his ex-wife. And the recent rejection from his ex-girlfriend is also affecting him so much. Why then is he giving me all this attention? Is it because he likes me genuinely? Or is it only because he needs to feed his own ego after the rejection from women he has gone through?
I am not the clingy type and I am definitely not acting too needy, but I am sweet to him when we are together.
I have above-average looks; I have a sexy (hourglass) figure. I am smart and I have a high-power career which could match his achievements (considering he is 11 yrs older than me). I have my own share of admirers so I guess I am not unattractive. I am comparable with his exes, except that I am ten years younger than them. I am saying this because it seems he is comparing me against his exes.
I like him and I hope he likes me too. What do his actions mean? What is the best thing to do in order to keep him interested?
Thanks for the advice.
VictorM's advice:
You like him and you hope he likes you too... um... then why do you usually say "no" to him? Isn't that sending a huge mixed signal?
Talking about his exes not only means he's not over them, it means he sees you primarily as a listener, not as a potential partner. Now, that doesn't mean he can't see you as a partner sometime in the future, but he doesn't see it as of now.
Part of the attention he gives you could be an attempt to correct what went wrong before. For example, if his ex-wife complained that he wasn't attentive enough, he is now pushing himself to correct that flaw, and you are the beneficiary of that attempt. You may not be you that's fueling that behavior.
Most people after a breakup have the need to talk about their exes and what went wrong for varying periods of time. But if seven years later he's still in that mode, to the point that months into going out with you he's still talking so much about his exes, well, frankly, that's not a good sign.
But, one question for you: if you like him and you'd like him to like you, why aren't you introducing some flirtation into the conversation as a way to signal your intentions? I don't know what his achievements are, but I doubt "mind reader" is one of them.
Our sexual chemistry is off the charts
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: Taylor
Age: 33
Location: Boston
Question: okay..is it possible to have a meaningful relationship with a man after you have a threesome.
We are newly dating and getting along incredibly well. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts. We have talked about what we have and have not done sexually and have decided that we'd like to, "check off our sexual checklist together so we can create new fantasies with each other" (His words by the way).
My friends think I'm crazy for being open to a threesome with him. They think that I am just his means to an end, that there is no way our relationship can grow into a long term one after this... He's open to a 3sum if on my terms and with someone I find...he does not feel it's his place to suggest someone.
Am I crazy...have I drunk the Koolade. I feel like if we both want this and we both communicate we can have a serious relationship after...but I'm feeling like all of my friends (who haven't had threesomes) might be right....
Help!
VictorM's advice:
Well, who's to say that a super sexual partnership that involves making sexual fantasies involving others can't develop into a good long-term relationship? Being compatible sexually surely is a big plus in terms of long term relationships. The key question is: What else do you two have got going? That, more than the sex, will determine long term growth.
I have one question for you. This threesome... is it you two and another guy? Because I'd be curious if he's as willing to participate in your fantasies as you participate in his.
By: Taylor
Age: 33
Location: Boston
Question: okay..is it possible to have a meaningful relationship with a man after you have a threesome.
We are newly dating and getting along incredibly well. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts. We have talked about what we have and have not done sexually and have decided that we'd like to, "check off our sexual checklist together so we can create new fantasies with each other" (His words by the way).
My friends think I'm crazy for being open to a threesome with him. They think that I am just his means to an end, that there is no way our relationship can grow into a long term one after this... He's open to a 3sum if on my terms and with someone I find...he does not feel it's his place to suggest someone.
Am I crazy...have I drunk the Koolade. I feel like if we both want this and we both communicate we can have a serious relationship after...but I'm feeling like all of my friends (who haven't had threesomes) might be right....
Help!
VictorM's advice:
Well, who's to say that a super sexual partnership that involves making sexual fantasies involving others can't develop into a good long-term relationship? Being compatible sexually surely is a big plus in terms of long term relationships. The key question is: What else do you two have got going? That, more than the sex, will determine long term growth.
I have one question for you. This threesome... is it you two and another guy? Because I'd be curious if he's as willing to participate in your fantasies as you participate in his.
We both were drunk and ended up having sex
Submitted on Wednesday, September 23, 2009
By: sarah
Age: 20
Location: ohio
Question: I met this guy at a party and we hit it off. He told me I was crazy and he liked that ( to my knowledge i don't give off crazy vibes ). we both were drunk and ended up having sex. afterwards, he said liked me. i ended up leaving tho and i think it hurt his feelings. i didn't get his number but he found me on facebook through a friend and contacted me. he called me a week later and we had sex again but i still left afterward. we hung out a few days ago and yes, surprise, had sex but we were both sober this time. he seems like a really nice guy who i hope/ think likes me and i would like to date him but i don't know how to get out of the whole friends with benefits rut. honestly, its the best sex of my life and since i've had a lot of crappy sex, i want to keep him around.
advice please, i really need it
VictorM's advice:
Gee Sarah, it's not that complicated: next time, plan a little better and STOP LEAVING AFTERWARD.
You don't have to give up the "benefits" part, just do enough to turn "friends" into something more.
By: sarah
Age: 20
Location: ohio
Question: I met this guy at a party and we hit it off. He told me I was crazy and he liked that ( to my knowledge i don't give off crazy vibes ). we both were drunk and ended up having sex. afterwards, he said liked me. i ended up leaving tho and i think it hurt his feelings. i didn't get his number but he found me on facebook through a friend and contacted me. he called me a week later and we had sex again but i still left afterward. we hung out a few days ago and yes, surprise, had sex but we were both sober this time. he seems like a really nice guy who i hope/ think likes me and i would like to date him but i don't know how to get out of the whole friends with benefits rut. honestly, its the best sex of my life and since i've had a lot of crappy sex, i want to keep him around.
advice please, i really need it
VictorM's advice:
Gee Sarah, it's not that complicated: next time, plan a little better and STOP LEAVING AFTERWARD.
You don't have to give up the "benefits" part, just do enough to turn "friends" into something more.
I never talk to him
Submitted on Tuesday, September 22, 2009
By: Angie
Age: 15
Location: California
Question: I really like this guy at high school. He went to elementary school with some of my friends. I see him at every break and lunch, but i never talk to him. I always seem to just Look at him in a way that isn't obvious. The only time i talked to him was once last year because one of his friends was my new friend. And we are still friends.
I can't seem to say anything, and he is always with his "guy" friends, and if i ever go over there it would just be awkward! But i do see him looking at me, and even one time we caught each others eye. But also at times he acts like nothing matters, like very laid back and doesn't really say anything unless he is with his friends. I can't tell what he is thinking because he doesn't have any facial expressions, and he always just "watches" everything around him.
Is he interested in me? Or am i just be infatuated? I don't know how to talk to him without looking like a fool. It really freaks me out.
VictorM's advice:
I really can't tell if he's interested, but I can tell you that guys have the same fears about talking to girls and worrying about looking like a fool. And some guys, even if they like a girl, will often seem like they don't. They do that to protect themselves because if they made it obvious that they like you and it turns out you don't like them, they'd be embarrassed.
You have to get the nerve to send a signal, small as it may be, that you would encourage him talking to you. If you're not willing to make some effort, well, then you lose. And the smallest and most effective way is to smile at him when he looks at you. Next, greet him using his name. When a girl says a guy's name, it catches his attention and he knows it's not just a genetic "hi". "Hi, John" is much more powerful than just "hi."
So your mission, agent Angie, is to smile at him and greet him using his name. Are you up to the task?
By: Angie
Age: 15
Location: California
Question: I really like this guy at high school. He went to elementary school with some of my friends. I see him at every break and lunch, but i never talk to him. I always seem to just Look at him in a way that isn't obvious. The only time i talked to him was once last year because one of his friends was my new friend. And we are still friends.
I can't seem to say anything, and he is always with his "guy" friends, and if i ever go over there it would just be awkward! But i do see him looking at me, and even one time we caught each others eye. But also at times he acts like nothing matters, like very laid back and doesn't really say anything unless he is with his friends. I can't tell what he is thinking because he doesn't have any facial expressions, and he always just "watches" everything around him.
Is he interested in me? Or am i just be infatuated? I don't know how to talk to him without looking like a fool. It really freaks me out.
VictorM's advice:
I really can't tell if he's interested, but I can tell you that guys have the same fears about talking to girls and worrying about looking like a fool. And some guys, even if they like a girl, will often seem like they don't. They do that to protect themselves because if they made it obvious that they like you and it turns out you don't like them, they'd be embarrassed.
You have to get the nerve to send a signal, small as it may be, that you would encourage him talking to you. If you're not willing to make some effort, well, then you lose. And the smallest and most effective way is to smile at him when he looks at you. Next, greet him using his name. When a girl says a guy's name, it catches his attention and he knows it's not just a genetic "hi". "Hi, John" is much more powerful than just "hi."
So your mission, agent Angie, is to smile at him and greet him using his name. Are you up to the task?
I catch him staring at me
Submitted on Tuesday, September 22, 2009
By: candice
Age: 13
Location: PA, waynesburg
Question: there's a guy that i like and i want to ask me out but i'm afraid he's gonna say no. we never talk to each other, or hang out. but i catch him staring at me (awesome!) but i want him to really ask me out! help me!
VictorM's advice:
Be aware that most boys around your age aren't ready for going out with girls thing yet. In that sense, boys develop slower than girls. For now, you should try to just start talking to him. You can begin by saying hello using his name ("Hello, John") and smiling.
By: candice
Age: 13
Location: PA, waynesburg
Question: there's a guy that i like and i want to ask me out but i'm afraid he's gonna say no. we never talk to each other, or hang out. but i catch him staring at me (awesome!) but i want him to really ask me out! help me!
VictorM's advice:
Be aware that most boys around your age aren't ready for going out with girls thing yet. In that sense, boys develop slower than girls. For now, you should try to just start talking to him. You can begin by saying hello using his name ("Hello, John") and smiling.
Someone started emailing him rude comments
Submitted on Tuesday, September 22, 2009
By: Marni
Age: 21
Location: East Coast
Question: My ex boyfriend will not talk to me anymore. We were getting along great then someone started emailing him rude comments and I think he thinks it's me. How do I convince him I would never do such a thing? Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if the rude comments are the reason he stopped talking to you, but it is a wise decision anyway. Staying in contact with exes, more often than not, just complicates life.
It is also quite possible that the period you were getting along great was just a step in the breaking up process, and now that has weened himself off of you, he was ready to move on.
In any case, if he believes you're the source of those comments, saying you aren't isn't going to convince him.
By: Marni
Age: 21
Location: East Coast
Question: My ex boyfriend will not talk to me anymore. We were getting along great then someone started emailing him rude comments and I think he thinks it's me. How do I convince him I would never do such a thing? Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if the rude comments are the reason he stopped talking to you, but it is a wise decision anyway. Staying in contact with exes, more often than not, just complicates life.
It is also quite possible that the period you were getting along great was just a step in the breaking up process, and now that has weened himself off of you, he was ready to move on.
In any case, if he believes you're the source of those comments, saying you aren't isn't going to convince him.
How do you let a guy know you're not interested?
Submitted on Monday, September 21, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 23
Location: SA
Question: Hello it's me! Hope you had a good holiday.
I have a 2 part question.
How do you let a guy know you're not interested, in the politest way possible? A friend of a friend is clearly interested in me, and I would be willing to give him a chance if he actually got his act together and asked me on a date, but instead he just sends me messages on Facebook and is super friendly when we happen to see each other and tried to kiss me the last time I saw him. I don't feel any attraction, and it's getting a bit awkward because I see him relatively often and his attention makes me uncomfortable – but I am very concerned about being rude as he is a good friend of my female friends. I don't dislike him, I'm just not interested in him romantically.
What do I do?
The second part of my question has to do with a previous question - just to recap - I hooked up with a guy I've known for a while a few months ago, but he was just here for a holiday and lives across the country. He emailed me for a bit afterward, then just stopped replying (this was the beginning of July). I left it for a while, and about 6 weeks later sent him a very short, friendly but not flirty email asking him about visas (something I knew he would be able to offer me advice on, so it was a perfectly legitimate reason to contact him!), and he just never replied. So I figured he clearly is not the genuine guy I thought he was and gave up on him altogether! Then a few days ago I got an email from him out of the blue, just saying that he wanted to say hi and that he hopes I'm well...literally just those words, and no mention of the previous ignored emails. Huh?
Is this just part of what you said before, that he probably wouldn't want to burn any bridges with me? How do I respond to this?
VictorM's advice:
Reberoo! How are you? Haven't heard from you in a while.
On the first question...What do you do? Nothing. He hasn't told you anything or asked anything. And he may never. But why would you even consider going out on a date with him? Wouldn't that only be encouraging him in a direction you do not desire? Anyway, there is nothing rude about saying "No, thanks." It's honest, it's short, it's to the point. You should also consider muting your response to his attention and taking longer than usual to respond to facebook comments.
On the second guy, consider that with the kind of anti spam email filters most of us have, it's quite possible that he never saw your last email about the visas. But in any case, yes, I believe he continues to want to stay in touch, just in case. How do you respond? Depends on your intentions. If you want to stay in touch for the same "just in case" reason, say you're doing fine and it was nice hearing from him. If you have no further interest in him, ask him: "Hey, asshole, why didn't you answer my visa question?" :-p (or maybe not!)
By: Rebecca
Age: 23
Location: SA
Question: Hello it's me! Hope you had a good holiday.
I have a 2 part question.
How do you let a guy know you're not interested, in the politest way possible? A friend of a friend is clearly interested in me, and I would be willing to give him a chance if he actually got his act together and asked me on a date, but instead he just sends me messages on Facebook and is super friendly when we happen to see each other and tried to kiss me the last time I saw him. I don't feel any attraction, and it's getting a bit awkward because I see him relatively often and his attention makes me uncomfortable – but I am very concerned about being rude as he is a good friend of my female friends. I don't dislike him, I'm just not interested in him romantically.
What do I do?
The second part of my question has to do with a previous question - just to recap - I hooked up with a guy I've known for a while a few months ago, but he was just here for a holiday and lives across the country. He emailed me for a bit afterward, then just stopped replying (this was the beginning of July). I left it for a while, and about 6 weeks later sent him a very short, friendly but not flirty email asking him about visas (something I knew he would be able to offer me advice on, so it was a perfectly legitimate reason to contact him!), and he just never replied. So I figured he clearly is not the genuine guy I thought he was and gave up on him altogether! Then a few days ago I got an email from him out of the blue, just saying that he wanted to say hi and that he hopes I'm well...literally just those words, and no mention of the previous ignored emails. Huh?
Is this just part of what you said before, that he probably wouldn't want to burn any bridges with me? How do I respond to this?
VictorM's advice:
Reberoo! How are you? Haven't heard from you in a while.
On the first question...What do you do? Nothing. He hasn't told you anything or asked anything. And he may never. But why would you even consider going out on a date with him? Wouldn't that only be encouraging him in a direction you do not desire? Anyway, there is nothing rude about saying "No, thanks." It's honest, it's short, it's to the point. You should also consider muting your response to his attention and taking longer than usual to respond to facebook comments.
On the second guy, consider that with the kind of anti spam email filters most of us have, it's quite possible that he never saw your last email about the visas. But in any case, yes, I believe he continues to want to stay in touch, just in case. How do you respond? Depends on your intentions. If you want to stay in touch for the same "just in case" reason, say you're doing fine and it was nice hearing from him. If you have no further interest in him, ask him: "Hey, asshole, why didn't you answer my visa question?" :-p (or maybe not!)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
How do I let a guy know I like him?
Submitted on Sunday, September 20, 2009
By: Maddy
Age: 13
Location: California
Question: How do I let a guy know I like him? I don't know him really well, and he is kinda popular. I'm not popular because I'm a transfer, but I was at my old school. I just want to let him know I like him without telling him outright. I've never really talked to him.
VictorM's advice:
Find out his name and make sure you start greeting him by using his name. If, for example, his name is Jim, say: "Hi, Jim" and smile.
That's all you have to do. Jim will go out of his way to find out about you.
By: Maddy
Age: 13
Location: California
Question: How do I let a guy know I like him? I don't know him really well, and he is kinda popular. I'm not popular because I'm a transfer, but I was at my old school. I just want to let him know I like him without telling him outright. I've never really talked to him.
VictorM's advice:
Find out his name and make sure you start greeting him by using his name. If, for example, his name is Jim, say: "Hi, Jim" and smile.
That's all you have to do. Jim will go out of his way to find out about you.
He tells me that he will call me back
Submitted on Sunday, September 20, 2009
By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hi hi Mr. V,
I love my boyfriend, but his habit of saying he will call me back and don't till like 2 hours are killing me. He gets off work at 10 and calls me about 17 minutes later and we make small talk, but then he tells me that he will call me back. It's 12 right now and no word from him. I would be okay if he said that he was busy with something and won't be able to call me back, but he has nothing to do and I know this because he would have me on the phone all night till like 1. He has been doing this lately, sometimes he would "have to call me back" over 3 times. Whenever he does this, I say to myself, "why would he call me if he had to call me back?" I don't understand this...
What do you think is going on in his head Mr. V?
VictorM's advice:
I can imagine that sometimes he doesn't have anything to say, or simply doesn't feel like talking, but it's so programmed into your relationship that he must call (look how precise you are with him calling you 17 minutes after work). The phone calls have become a boring routine.
Stop making the phone calls so mandatory. Free each other from the evils of the phone calls. Set the boy free and tell him he doesn't have to call you all the time.
By the way... nice to hear from you again, Ms. Wolffy.
By: Wolffy
Age: 17
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hi hi Mr. V,
I love my boyfriend, but his habit of saying he will call me back and don't till like 2 hours are killing me. He gets off work at 10 and calls me about 17 minutes later and we make small talk, but then he tells me that he will call me back. It's 12 right now and no word from him. I would be okay if he said that he was busy with something and won't be able to call me back, but he has nothing to do and I know this because he would have me on the phone all night till like 1. He has been doing this lately, sometimes he would "have to call me back" over 3 times. Whenever he does this, I say to myself, "why would he call me if he had to call me back?" I don't understand this...
What do you think is going on in his head Mr. V?
VictorM's advice:
I can imagine that sometimes he doesn't have anything to say, or simply doesn't feel like talking, but it's so programmed into your relationship that he must call (look how precise you are with him calling you 17 minutes after work). The phone calls have become a boring routine.
Stop making the phone calls so mandatory. Free each other from the evils of the phone calls. Set the boy free and tell him he doesn't have to call you all the time.
By the way... nice to hear from you again, Ms. Wolffy.
We talked every night for hours
Submitted on Sunday, September 20, 2009
By: angela
Age: 44
Location: atlanta
Question: I met this guy on-line. I had pics posted of my face and a full length pic. We talked every night for hours and during day we would talk briefly and text. We decided to meet in person for a brief moment just to see each other face to face. After our meeting I haven't heard from him. I'm so confused and sad because we had great conversation and I'm an attractive girl. If there is anyway for you to help me understand what happen so I can put this behind me and move on.
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
I'm not inside his head so I can't say what is reasons were for disappearing on you, but I can give you some general ideas as to why something like this happens.
You may be an attractive woman, but as they say, beauty in in the eye of the beholder -- he may not agree; he may have found you attractive, but not his type; he may not have liked your clothing style; he may have found some of your gestures annoying; he may have found some of your sayings irritating; maybe he just didn't like the way you chewed your food; he may have thought that you were shorter or fatter than you expected; he may not have liked your skin tone; he may have been turned off by a beauty mark you have; etc.
What I'm trying to say is that the reasons could be many and they could be insignificant. The bottom line is that after meeting you, he didn't feel the chemistry he was hoping for. That's the same reason you don't just fall for every guy you meet on the street, or at the supermarket.
This was not a pass or fail test of your looks or of your personality; it's one guy not being turned on enough as he was hoping to be.
Of course, it's also possible that he did like you but was crushed like a grape by a meteor on his way home.
By: angela
Age: 44
Location: atlanta
Question: I met this guy on-line. I had pics posted of my face and a full length pic. We talked every night for hours and during day we would talk briefly and text. We decided to meet in person for a brief moment just to see each other face to face. After our meeting I haven't heard from him. I'm so confused and sad because we had great conversation and I'm an attractive girl. If there is anyway for you to help me understand what happen so I can put this behind me and move on.
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
I'm not inside his head so I can't say what is reasons were for disappearing on you, but I can give you some general ideas as to why something like this happens.
You may be an attractive woman, but as they say, beauty in in the eye of the beholder -- he may not agree; he may have found you attractive, but not his type; he may not have liked your clothing style; he may have found some of your gestures annoying; he may have found some of your sayings irritating; maybe he just didn't like the way you chewed your food; he may have thought that you were shorter or fatter than you expected; he may not have liked your skin tone; he may have been turned off by a beauty mark you have; etc.
What I'm trying to say is that the reasons could be many and they could be insignificant. The bottom line is that after meeting you, he didn't feel the chemistry he was hoping for. That's the same reason you don't just fall for every guy you meet on the street, or at the supermarket.
This was not a pass or fail test of your looks or of your personality; it's one guy not being turned on enough as he was hoping to be.
Of course, it's also possible that he did like you but was crushed like a grape by a meteor on his way home.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I am interested in this adorable and sweet 16 year old boy
Submitted on Sunday, September 20, 2009
By: Emily
Age: 15
Question: Ok, so I am interested in this adorable and sweet 16 year old boy (as is the rest of my sophomore class, haha)! I go to a co-divisional school meaning that there are two separate divisions: Girls and Boys. The only time during the day that we see the boys are lunch and after school. I always go outside during lunch and hang out with my guy friends and he's always out there playing frisbee and stuff with his friend. My friend and I think he's so cute, and I'm almost positive that he knows we have a little crush on him, haha. I see him sometimes looking at me, and I've made eye contact with him a few times. He always seems to be wherever I am, it's crazy! He like never talks to any girls outside except for these two girls once and a while, but I don't know if when they talk they're being flirty or what.
I recently stayed after school with my two friends while he was at tennis practice. His team was doing conditioning and while they were walking to where they were going to condition he kept looking at the table I was sitting at and on and off we'd make eye contact for like an akward second. Then they started conditioning and my friend and I started playing frisbee with some of my guy friends. They finished conditioning, that is everybody except for "that guy" and his friend! They were doing short sprints and while they were running I could see that he would glance up at me a few times.
Ok, so I was just wondering: is he interested? And how can I like get him more interested?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Well, Emily, I think you need more than some eye contact to know how he might feel about you. Heck, I bet half of your sophomore classmates can tell similar stories of eye contact wit him. After all, unless his eyesight is deficient, there are lots of pretty girls to look at.
Next time, hit him in the head with the frisbee to get his attention. :-p (kidding, kidding)
Do you think you can do something like ask to join him playing frisbee when he's playing with his friends? It would give you both the chance to get to know about the other in a friendly kinda way. Or, approach him and say something like you're thinking of getting a tennis racket and need help with it and since he's so good at tennis maybe he can make a recommendation.
Really, say or do anything to strike up a conversation. After that, always greet him by using his name and smiling.
By: Emily
Age: 15
Question: Ok, so I am interested in this adorable and sweet 16 year old boy (as is the rest of my sophomore class, haha)! I go to a co-divisional school meaning that there are two separate divisions: Girls and Boys. The only time during the day that we see the boys are lunch and after school. I always go outside during lunch and hang out with my guy friends and he's always out there playing frisbee and stuff with his friend. My friend and I think he's so cute, and I'm almost positive that he knows we have a little crush on him, haha. I see him sometimes looking at me, and I've made eye contact with him a few times. He always seems to be wherever I am, it's crazy! He like never talks to any girls outside except for these two girls once and a while, but I don't know if when they talk they're being flirty or what.
I recently stayed after school with my two friends while he was at tennis practice. His team was doing conditioning and while they were walking to where they were going to condition he kept looking at the table I was sitting at and on and off we'd make eye contact for like an akward second. Then they started conditioning and my friend and I started playing frisbee with some of my guy friends. They finished conditioning, that is everybody except for "that guy" and his friend! They were doing short sprints and while they were running I could see that he would glance up at me a few times.
Ok, so I was just wondering: is he interested? And how can I like get him more interested?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Well, Emily, I think you need more than some eye contact to know how he might feel about you. Heck, I bet half of your sophomore classmates can tell similar stories of eye contact wit him. After all, unless his eyesight is deficient, there are lots of pretty girls to look at.
Next time, hit him in the head with the frisbee to get his attention. :-p (kidding, kidding)
Do you think you can do something like ask to join him playing frisbee when he's playing with his friends? It would give you both the chance to get to know about the other in a friendly kinda way. Or, approach him and say something like you're thinking of getting a tennis racket and need help with it and since he's so good at tennis maybe he can make a recommendation.
Really, say or do anything to strike up a conversation. After that, always greet him by using his name and smiling.
He did ask for my number and email
Submitted on Sunday, September 20, 2009
By: Steph
Age: 48
Location: Cleveland
Question: I met this guy about 8 months ago at a club. We had a lot of fun and he said he would love to go out with me, but he was in a relationship and wouldn't feel right. So ok - no biggie. He did ask for my number and email though. He did email me just to say hi. We emailed for about a month, but then stopped.
About 4 months ago he texted me and wanted to see how I was and if I was dating anyone. He told me he was still in his relationship but totally confused and trying to figure if he wanted to stay with her. He said the main thing keeping him with her was that they had been friends forever and he felt guilty breaking things off with her. She just went thru a divorce and I guess he wanted to see if there was anything romantically there. I told him I did not know what to say, but if he wanted to meet for drinks sometime to just talk? We eventually met up after a local function for a drink and had fun again. He said he was really thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend because he was relizing he did not love her. We still did not go out at this point.
Finally he e mailed me one day and said he broke up with her and wanted to see if I wanted to go out sometime. Of course stupidly I said yes. I should have waited a while until some time had past since his break up. But we made plans to go to a local festival. Early on the day of our first "date" he text me and said he did not know if he would be able to go. I said fine - I had other stuff to do anyway - just let me know. Then he texted back and said he was 70% sure he could go now. Whatever that meant. But at the last minute he called and asked if he could pick me up and wanted to go after all. I agreed (again dumb of me) But we had fun - a lot.
We went out the next weekend too and had a lot of fun. But then the hesitant dates started again. I'm 70% sure I can go out tonight, but I'll let you know. Either we finally would go out or he would cancel at the last minute. This went on for 3 months. Finally he admitted he was confused. He said he really never came to terms with what went on in his relationship with his old girlfriend. He said he just needed time to be alone and could not be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. So, I said fine - it has been 2 weeks I've heard from him twice - just to say hi.
Trouble is I really started liking him - he's actually a great guy. So my question - is there a chance he will reach a decision about us dating again or should I assume he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Thanks.
Steph
VictorM's advice:
He has already reached a decision about you -- you're out! He's now just doing with you the same thing he did with the other woman. His stated "confusion" is not a sign he might still be interested; it's the way he lets things die a slow death.
By: Steph
Age: 48
Location: Cleveland
Question: I met this guy about 8 months ago at a club. We had a lot of fun and he said he would love to go out with me, but he was in a relationship and wouldn't feel right. So ok - no biggie. He did ask for my number and email though. He did email me just to say hi. We emailed for about a month, but then stopped.
About 4 months ago he texted me and wanted to see how I was and if I was dating anyone. He told me he was still in his relationship but totally confused and trying to figure if he wanted to stay with her. He said the main thing keeping him with her was that they had been friends forever and he felt guilty breaking things off with her. She just went thru a divorce and I guess he wanted to see if there was anything romantically there. I told him I did not know what to say, but if he wanted to meet for drinks sometime to just talk? We eventually met up after a local function for a drink and had fun again. He said he was really thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend because he was relizing he did not love her. We still did not go out at this point.
Finally he e mailed me one day and said he broke up with her and wanted to see if I wanted to go out sometime. Of course stupidly I said yes. I should have waited a while until some time had past since his break up. But we made plans to go to a local festival. Early on the day of our first "date" he text me and said he did not know if he would be able to go. I said fine - I had other stuff to do anyway - just let me know. Then he texted back and said he was 70% sure he could go now. Whatever that meant. But at the last minute he called and asked if he could pick me up and wanted to go after all. I agreed (again dumb of me) But we had fun - a lot.
We went out the next weekend too and had a lot of fun. But then the hesitant dates started again. I'm 70% sure I can go out tonight, but I'll let you know. Either we finally would go out or he would cancel at the last minute. This went on for 3 months. Finally he admitted he was confused. He said he really never came to terms with what went on in his relationship with his old girlfriend. He said he just needed time to be alone and could not be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. So, I said fine - it has been 2 weeks I've heard from him twice - just to say hi.
Trouble is I really started liking him - he's actually a great guy. So my question - is there a chance he will reach a decision about us dating again or should I assume he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Thanks.
Steph
VictorM's advice:
He has already reached a decision about you -- you're out! He's now just doing with you the same thing he did with the other woman. His stated "confusion" is not a sign he might still be interested; it's the way he lets things die a slow death.
He's scared to get in a relationship
Submitted on Sunday, September 20, 2009
By: Ivonne
Age: 17
Location: washington
Question: I meet this guy through my friends and we hooked up. Then he started telling my friends he really liked me but wouldn't really talk to me. He would act shy whenever I came around. Then we hooked up for a second time but afterward he tells me he has a girlfriend. One of my friends says he doesn't have a girlfriend, that he uses that for an excuse cause he's scared to get in a relationship. And also I told him about how I was trying to get with on of my friends last year but it didn't work out and he went and asked him about it. So is this guys interested or not? I don't want to be playing games. Please help and thanks
VictorM's advice:
Come on, he's going out of his way, even making up stories, not to go out with you. Why? because he's not interested.
By: Ivonne
Age: 17
Location: washington
Question: I meet this guy through my friends and we hooked up. Then he started telling my friends he really liked me but wouldn't really talk to me. He would act shy whenever I came around. Then we hooked up for a second time but afterward he tells me he has a girlfriend. One of my friends says he doesn't have a girlfriend, that he uses that for an excuse cause he's scared to get in a relationship. And also I told him about how I was trying to get with on of my friends last year but it didn't work out and he went and asked him about it. So is this guys interested or not? I don't want to be playing games. Please help and thanks
VictorM's advice:
Come on, he's going out of his way, even making up stories, not to go out with you. Why? because he's not interested.
Thing between them are slowly ending
Submitted on Saturday, September 19, 2009
By: AJ
Age: 18
Location: CALIFORNIA
Question: I've like my best friend for the past 3 yrs... But the problem has been his gf for the past 2yrs. We've had problems because of his. Now thing between them are slowly ending...
I still have feelings for him... But he tells me that am just his best friend... Will he ever see me as more than that? Is there a possibility he does have feelings for me but he just denies it?
VictorM's advice:
Is there a chance he'll see you as more? Sure, there's always a chance.
Is he denying his feelings now? Not likely.
By: AJ
Age: 18
Location: CALIFORNIA
Question: I've like my best friend for the past 3 yrs... But the problem has been his gf for the past 2yrs. We've had problems because of his. Now thing between them are slowly ending...
I still have feelings for him... But he tells me that am just his best friend... Will he ever see me as more than that? Is there a possibility he does have feelings for me but he just denies it?
VictorM's advice:
Is there a chance he'll see you as more? Sure, there's always a chance.
Is he denying his feelings now? Not likely.
We had an agreement to break up
Submitted on Saturday, September 19, 2009
By: gabby d
Age: 15
Location: helltown, ny.
Question: me and nic dated for about 2 years, but had an agreement to break up just recently. he's a senior now, while i'm a sophomore. everyone thought we were the perfect couple. we both were captains of our varsity teams with almost everything we play.
it's been so hard for me to let go, that i can barely look at him in the hallways of our highschool. he's always been a flirt, but it bothers me so much when i see him with other girls in the halls.
every other day he'll call me and say he wants me so bad, and no one else. but the other half of the time he's going for my friends and telling me 'sorry, i like so-and-so now.'
i think he's waiting for me to break down, because he's the type of self centered person to want to see that.
i miss him so much.
i have no idea what to do.
VictorM's advice:
If you ever seen a boxing match, one of the common things for a boxer who has been knocked down to do is to get up really quickly, to give the crowd and his opponent the impression that he's OK. That's in essence what your ex boyfriend is doing by flirting with other girls or telling you that he likes some other girl. He's just trying to let you know that he's OK; he's not trying to hurt you.
But I got the impression from what you wrote that you both agreed to break up. Why? I curious about that and would like to know the reasons before saying anything else.
By: gabby d
Age: 15
Location: helltown, ny.
Question: me and nic dated for about 2 years, but had an agreement to break up just recently. he's a senior now, while i'm a sophomore. everyone thought we were the perfect couple. we both were captains of our varsity teams with almost everything we play.
it's been so hard for me to let go, that i can barely look at him in the hallways of our highschool. he's always been a flirt, but it bothers me so much when i see him with other girls in the halls.
every other day he'll call me and say he wants me so bad, and no one else. but the other half of the time he's going for my friends and telling me 'sorry, i like so-and-so now.'
i think he's waiting for me to break down, because he's the type of self centered person to want to see that.
i miss him so much.
i have no idea what to do.
VictorM's advice:
If you ever seen a boxing match, one of the common things for a boxer who has been knocked down to do is to get up really quickly, to give the crowd and his opponent the impression that he's OK. That's in essence what your ex boyfriend is doing by flirting with other girls or telling you that he likes some other girl. He's just trying to let you know that he's OK; he's not trying to hurt you.
But I got the impression from what you wrote that you both agreed to break up. Why? I curious about that and would like to know the reasons before saying anything else.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I became severely depressed
Submitted on Friday, September 18, 2009
By: Deena
Age: 29
Location: Boston
Question: Hello,
I met a guy when visiting my friend in New York about 7 months ago. We hit it off and I saw him a few times when I came into New York. However, because of the distance we never pursued anything beyond that.
I let it go but when I moved to New York for a summer internship I bumped into him at a party. We hooked up again and talked about getting back together except I again didn't hear from him. We continued to hang out with mutual friends and stayed friendly.
During that summer, however, I was battling a chronic disease that was becoming progressively worse and cancer came up as a possible cause. Right about that time I also heard news of a close relative passing away and another friend being diagnosed with cancer. I became severely depressed and texted the guy asking him if we could just hook up while I was still in town. He rejected my advance and told me to move on. Later I apologized to him via text and told him about my friend and relative. However, I never told him what I was going through with my own health concerns.
I will be visiting New York again in a few weeks and was considering calling him just to have dinner and to reconnect on a friendly basis. Some how it feels weird to have ended the way it did. Do you think he will consider it strange that I want to get in touch again? I'm not looking for another romantic encounter as much as a friendly opportunity to catch up. However, a part of me is embarrassed about having texted him out of desperation and don't know if I should just let it go.
--Deena
VictorM's advice:
You really had nothing to apologize for. What you asked of him back in NY was not out of line and no apology was needed. But you have expressed an interest that was rejected. To his credit, he was direct about it -- he had no interest.
If you can handle him possibly rejecting you again, why not ask? Regardless of what he might think are your intentions, you should seek out some resolution on the matter. He doesn't sound like a guy to mince words, so if he's not interested, he'll tell you. And if you don't ask, "no" will always be the answer; so ask, and you may get a "yes."
By: Deena
Age: 29
Location: Boston
Question: Hello,
I met a guy when visiting my friend in New York about 7 months ago. We hit it off and I saw him a few times when I came into New York. However, because of the distance we never pursued anything beyond that.
I let it go but when I moved to New York for a summer internship I bumped into him at a party. We hooked up again and talked about getting back together except I again didn't hear from him. We continued to hang out with mutual friends and stayed friendly.
During that summer, however, I was battling a chronic disease that was becoming progressively worse and cancer came up as a possible cause. Right about that time I also heard news of a close relative passing away and another friend being diagnosed with cancer. I became severely depressed and texted the guy asking him if we could just hook up while I was still in town. He rejected my advance and told me to move on. Later I apologized to him via text and told him about my friend and relative. However, I never told him what I was going through with my own health concerns.
I will be visiting New York again in a few weeks and was considering calling him just to have dinner and to reconnect on a friendly basis. Some how it feels weird to have ended the way it did. Do you think he will consider it strange that I want to get in touch again? I'm not looking for another romantic encounter as much as a friendly opportunity to catch up. However, a part of me is embarrassed about having texted him out of desperation and don't know if I should just let it go.
--Deena
VictorM's advice:
You really had nothing to apologize for. What you asked of him back in NY was not out of line and no apology was needed. But you have expressed an interest that was rejected. To his credit, he was direct about it -- he had no interest.
If you can handle him possibly rejecting you again, why not ask? Regardless of what he might think are your intentions, you should seek out some resolution on the matter. He doesn't sound like a guy to mince words, so if he's not interested, he'll tell you. And if you don't ask, "no" will always be the answer; so ask, and you may get a "yes."
My boyfriend is about to break up with me
Submitted on Friday, September 18, 2009
By: mandy
Age: 19
Location: florida
Question: my boyfriend is about to break up with me i think when he calls me back should i answer the phone?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you should answer the phone. And when he starts talking, say: no hablo ingles.
By: mandy
Age: 19
Location: florida
Question: my boyfriend is about to break up with me i think when he calls me back should i answer the phone?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you should answer the phone. And when he starts talking, say: no hablo ingles.
Recently he found a condom in my possession
Submitted on Friday, September 18, 2009
By: Tammy
Age: 25
Location: Dallas
Question: Me and my ex boyfriend been broken up for about 3 weeks now. Recently he found a condom in my possession which to be honest with you, I totally forgot I had.
My ex boyfriend is a jokester (which is 1 of the reasons why i liked him a lot) but lately my ex has been calling me out a lot about the whole condom deal but he does it joking around though.
I'm confused because sometimes i think it really did bother him but sometimes i don't. But of course, he won't tell me due to our situation now and plus he's prideful.
We remained friends after the break up (which was mutual) and still see each other frequently because we have the same friends. i don't want him thinking different of me because i care for him.
Any advice on this topic would be greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
I could make the argument that you thinking that it might have bothered him is, in fact, insulting to him because it denotes that you think he's immature and unable to handle the situation. How do you like them apples?
So, don't give it another thought. A better approach is to believe that joking about it is an indication that he doesn't think less of you. If he did, he wouldn't be joking about it.
By: Tammy
Age: 25
Location: Dallas
Question: Me and my ex boyfriend been broken up for about 3 weeks now. Recently he found a condom in my possession which to be honest with you, I totally forgot I had.
My ex boyfriend is a jokester (which is 1 of the reasons why i liked him a lot) but lately my ex has been calling me out a lot about the whole condom deal but he does it joking around though.
I'm confused because sometimes i think it really did bother him but sometimes i don't. But of course, he won't tell me due to our situation now and plus he's prideful.
We remained friends after the break up (which was mutual) and still see each other frequently because we have the same friends. i don't want him thinking different of me because i care for him.
Any advice on this topic would be greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
I could make the argument that you thinking that it might have bothered him is, in fact, insulting to him because it denotes that you think he's immature and unable to handle the situation. How do you like them apples?
So, don't give it another thought. A better approach is to believe that joking about it is an indication that he doesn't think less of you. If he did, he wouldn't be joking about it.
He was having trouble with me being his friends ex
Submitted on Friday, September 18, 2009
By: Darcy
Age: 27
Location: New York
Question: I dated a guy for four months. He happened to be good friends with an ex I broke up with 8 years ago. Things were going great until he suddenly stopped calling. I waited 5 days then sent him a text asking him "what the deal was". He replied that "he was having trouble with me being his friends ex". Which I thought was code for "I'm not that into you" since he knew I was his friends ex the whole time. I dated his friend for 3 years. I replied that I understood and I was fine just being friends. I get that friends equals "It's over have a nice life". He replied that he wanted to hang out again or have another play date with our kids."
If he doesn't want to date me anymore and I let him know I was fine with that. Why would he follow up asking me to hang out? Is he interested or not? I'm really confused. Should I hang out with him again or just move on? This guy is in his 40's so I expected a little more maturity and less ambiguity.
VictorM's advice:
I'm often accused of making bad analogies, but I figure, one more bad one isn't going to kill me. So here it goes: Some people know that eating Big Macs is not good for them, but then, they taste so good. And even though they avoid them most of the time, there are those moments of weakness when they think that eating one more isn't going to kill them, so they do.
Well, (here comes the bad analogy) you're sorta like a Big Mac -- tasty, bad for him (in his mind), but... one more (visit) isn't going to kill him.
So, unless he's your own version of a Big Mac, move on. It's not so much the "having trouble you are his friend's ex" -- and let's face it, you will always be; it's that he went silent for 5 days and would have gone longer if not for you contacting him. That lack of courage and respect for you is most troubling and indicative of what you can expect going forward.
By: Darcy
Age: 27
Location: New York
Question: I dated a guy for four months. He happened to be good friends with an ex I broke up with 8 years ago. Things were going great until he suddenly stopped calling. I waited 5 days then sent him a text asking him "what the deal was". He replied that "he was having trouble with me being his friends ex". Which I thought was code for "I'm not that into you" since he knew I was his friends ex the whole time. I dated his friend for 3 years. I replied that I understood and I was fine just being friends. I get that friends equals "It's over have a nice life". He replied that he wanted to hang out again or have another play date with our kids."
If he doesn't want to date me anymore and I let him know I was fine with that. Why would he follow up asking me to hang out? Is he interested or not? I'm really confused. Should I hang out with him again or just move on? This guy is in his 40's so I expected a little more maturity and less ambiguity.
VictorM's advice:
I'm often accused of making bad analogies, but I figure, one more bad one isn't going to kill me. So here it goes: Some people know that eating Big Macs is not good for them, but then, they taste so good. And even though they avoid them most of the time, there are those moments of weakness when they think that eating one more isn't going to kill them, so they do.
Well, (here comes the bad analogy) you're sorta like a Big Mac -- tasty, bad for him (in his mind), but... one more (visit) isn't going to kill him.
So, unless he's your own version of a Big Mac, move on. It's not so much the "having trouble you are his friend's ex" -- and let's face it, you will always be; it's that he went silent for 5 days and would have gone longer if not for you contacting him. That lack of courage and respect for you is most troubling and indicative of what you can expect going forward.
To Keisha, in the Phillipines
Thank you very much for your kind words. They made my day. :)
Should I take the risk of rejection?
Submitted on Thursday, September 17, 2009
By: Kaitlyn
Age: 17
Location: Indiana
Question: How do I tell if a guy is interested in me? If I'm not sure whether or not he is interested in me, should I go ahead and ask him out? Should I take the risk of rejection?
VictorM's advice:
No. Do not ask him out. It's not because of the risk of rejection; it's because guys don't usually respond well to such advances.
Your best bet is to stay friendly with him, flirt a little bit with him, greet him using his name, and seeking opportunities where you and him can be alone.
You want to send a message that he would be safe asking you out, without you telling him that.
By: Kaitlyn
Age: 17
Location: Indiana
Question: How do I tell if a guy is interested in me? If I'm not sure whether or not he is interested in me, should I go ahead and ask him out? Should I take the risk of rejection?
VictorM's advice:
No. Do not ask him out. It's not because of the risk of rejection; it's because guys don't usually respond well to such advances.
Your best bet is to stay friendly with him, flirt a little bit with him, greet him using his name, and seeking opportunities where you and him can be alone.
You want to send a message that he would be safe asking you out, without you telling him that.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Should I be concerned?
Submitted on Thursday, September 17, 2009
Age: 28
Location: USA
Question: I've been dating this guy for about 5 months and everything is great, minus one of his good friends who is a girl. He's friendly to her, almost to the point of being flirty. He's never introduced me to her (and I tried talking to her without him around one time not long after I saw them talking a lot and, while she was polite, she still didn't introduce herself). And everytime I'm out with him, and she comes over to talk to him, she completely ignores the fact that I'm ther. He's tried to include me in their conversations, but when she ignored me, he just carried on his conversation with her like nothing had happened! I also recently found out that she has a copy of his house key and I do not. Should I be concerned?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, you should be concerned, but not about the girl -- neither you nor your boyfriend are responsible for her behavior -- but he should make you the priority in the pecking order of who to pay attention to and should stop the flirting with her.
I don't know if you need to worry about her in terms of a romantic rival, but you clearly aren't getting the respect from him that you deserve.
Don't let this brew inside you and poison the relationship -- do something about it. Have a talk with him about this and emphasize the respect angle for now. Talk in first person and about your feelings ("I feel left out... I feel disrespected..."). Do NOT accuse him of anything. Just state what it does to you and offer solutions in a positive manner.
Age: 28
Location: USA
Question: I've been dating this guy for about 5 months and everything is great, minus one of his good friends who is a girl. He's friendly to her, almost to the point of being flirty. He's never introduced me to her (and I tried talking to her without him around one time not long after I saw them talking a lot and, while she was polite, she still didn't introduce herself). And everytime I'm out with him, and she comes over to talk to him, she completely ignores the fact that I'm ther. He's tried to include me in their conversations, but when she ignored me, he just carried on his conversation with her like nothing had happened! I also recently found out that she has a copy of his house key and I do not. Should I be concerned?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, you should be concerned, but not about the girl -- neither you nor your boyfriend are responsible for her behavior -- but he should make you the priority in the pecking order of who to pay attention to and should stop the flirting with her.
I don't know if you need to worry about her in terms of a romantic rival, but you clearly aren't getting the respect from him that you deserve.
Don't let this brew inside you and poison the relationship -- do something about it. Have a talk with him about this and emphasize the respect angle for now. Talk in first person and about your feelings ("I feel left out... I feel disrespected..."). Do NOT accuse him of anything. Just state what it does to you and offer solutions in a positive manner.
I have a crush on this guy who is 15
Submitted on Thursday, September 17, 2009
By: marie
Age: 14
Location: sf
Question: i have a crush on this guy who is 15..we make a lot of eye contact most times in fact i do notice he stares at me..but when i am walking in the hallways i sometimes see him but he looks at me then looks away and passes me by. sometimes he would kind of shove me a bit not gentle! but not that harsh as well. is in my gym class and and i joke a lot with my gym teacher so he laughs too. but i was wondering he liked me or not. he stares sometimes and sometimes we make eye contact but he ignores me most of the times...he would go up to my friend to talk or sometimes he would break us apart while walking in the hallways. but sometimes he would glance at me when he is talking to my friend..i think he is avoiding me?
VictorM's advice:
Clearly you have caught his attention. I think he likes you and I don't believe he's avoiding you. It's just that it's hard being a 15 year old boy. His body and mind are still growing (boys develop at a slower pace than girls), he's still getting adjusted to the idea of liking girls, and chances are that he has a few other crushes and can't figure out quite what to do about each.
The best thing for you to do is to stay friendly, make him laugh, and as he gets more comfortable with himself he'll be less weird around you.
By: marie
Age: 14
Location: sf
Question: i have a crush on this guy who is 15..we make a lot of eye contact most times in fact i do notice he stares at me..but when i am walking in the hallways i sometimes see him but he looks at me then looks away and passes me by. sometimes he would kind of shove me a bit not gentle! but not that harsh as well. is in my gym class and and i joke a lot with my gym teacher so he laughs too. but i was wondering he liked me or not. he stares sometimes and sometimes we make eye contact but he ignores me most of the times...he would go up to my friend to talk or sometimes he would break us apart while walking in the hallways. but sometimes he would glance at me when he is talking to my friend..i think he is avoiding me?
VictorM's advice:
Clearly you have caught his attention. I think he likes you and I don't believe he's avoiding you. It's just that it's hard being a 15 year old boy. His body and mind are still growing (boys develop at a slower pace than girls), he's still getting adjusted to the idea of liking girls, and chances are that he has a few other crushes and can't figure out quite what to do about each.
The best thing for you to do is to stay friendly, make him laugh, and as he gets more comfortable with himself he'll be less weird around you.
I have been chatting with my mailman
Submitted on Thursday, September 17, 2009
By: Anne
Age: 40
Location: RI
Question: Hi! I have been chatting with my (very handsome) mailman for the past two months! Nothing big just a few minutes when he's delivering mail! One Sat I had said you should bring your dog by to play with mine sometime. Monday he showed up unexpectedly with his dog! I guess I took it as an act of interest! I gave him my number two days later (if he wanted to take the dogs out or hang out)! He hasn't called! But its only been a week and a half! And he is going through a divorce! What's your advice? Just forget about it! I feel a little silly now lol!
VictorM's advice:
Did you write your number in magic ink that will erase itself within X number of days? Was there an expiration date included? If not, then wait. Who knows what else is going on his life.
Maybe he'll use the number to call you, maybe he won't, but you made a good faith effort and there's nothing to feel silly about. Maybe he will still... um... deliver haha (come on, I tried to resist the pun but it was begging for it). :)
By: Anne
Age: 40
Location: RI
Question: Hi! I have been chatting with my (very handsome) mailman for the past two months! Nothing big just a few minutes when he's delivering mail! One Sat I had said you should bring your dog by to play with mine sometime. Monday he showed up unexpectedly with his dog! I guess I took it as an act of interest! I gave him my number two days later (if he wanted to take the dogs out or hang out)! He hasn't called! But its only been a week and a half! And he is going through a divorce! What's your advice? Just forget about it! I feel a little silly now lol!
VictorM's advice:
Did you write your number in magic ink that will erase itself within X number of days? Was there an expiration date included? If not, then wait. Who knows what else is going on his life.
Maybe he'll use the number to call you, maybe he won't, but you made a good faith effort and there's nothing to feel silly about. Maybe he will still... um... deliver haha (come on, I tried to resist the pun but it was begging for it). :)
He recently sent some nude pictures of himself
Submitted on Thursday, September 17, 2009
By: Ruth
Age: 33
Location: Tanzania
Question: Hi
Three months ago I met a guy online. We are in different continents and are unlikely to meet. We normally communicate once a week through email.
He recently sent some nude pictures of himself and asked me to do the same. I had not asked for his photos nor did I feel offended. I told him he looked good and I would think about sending mine.
I am not about send nude photos of myself into cyberspace. I started feeling like the pictures were the main goal of the 'relationship' and thought things would fizzle out if I did not deliver. I did not communicate with him for 3 weeks.
When I finally logged on I found he had sent a couple of emails wondering if I had forgotten him. I replied letting him know that I would not be sending any pictures.
He now says he never actually asked me for pictures (he did.twice!) and he respects my decision. He still wants to continue flirting. I have not responded to that email because I am perplexed. Please help me understand. Why would he deny asking me for pictures?
VictorM's advice:
Could be just semantics... maybe he never asked for "nude" pictures. Or maybe he doesn't remember asking because lord knows how many other girls he's sending nude pictures to and can't keep it straight in his head what he said to whom.
Look, if you're in this to flirt, who gives a rat's ass if he asked for the pictures or not; if you're in it for something more serious, you need your head examined, not his memory.
By: Ruth
Age: 33
Location: Tanzania
Question: Hi
Three months ago I met a guy online. We are in different continents and are unlikely to meet. We normally communicate once a week through email.
He recently sent some nude pictures of himself and asked me to do the same. I had not asked for his photos nor did I feel offended. I told him he looked good and I would think about sending mine.
I am not about send nude photos of myself into cyberspace. I started feeling like the pictures were the main goal of the 'relationship' and thought things would fizzle out if I did not deliver. I did not communicate with him for 3 weeks.
When I finally logged on I found he had sent a couple of emails wondering if I had forgotten him. I replied letting him know that I would not be sending any pictures.
He now says he never actually asked me for pictures (he did.twice!) and he respects my decision. He still wants to continue flirting. I have not responded to that email because I am perplexed. Please help me understand. Why would he deny asking me for pictures?
VictorM's advice:
Could be just semantics... maybe he never asked for "nude" pictures. Or maybe he doesn't remember asking because lord knows how many other girls he's sending nude pictures to and can't keep it straight in his head what he said to whom.
Look, if you're in this to flirt, who gives a rat's ass if he asked for the pictures or not; if you're in it for something more serious, you need your head examined, not his memory.
An older, successful man
Submitted on Thursday, September 17, 2009
By: Tanya
Age: 23
Location: New York
Question: I am 23 years old and started talking to an older, successful man. I was on the train one day when he started talking to me. We both found out we worked in the same building, and he suggested we meet for lunch sometime. We have been emailing each other back and forth and we finally made a date. Lunch went better than I thought, and he was very flirty and said he wanted to see me again. Not even ten minutes after our date I got an email from him, asking to see me again. After I responded, he never got back to me. I don't get it.
VictorM's advice:
What's there to get? He made a request and you gave him and answer. Full stop. What else is there to text about?
I know you girls can't live without constant texting, but he grew up when texting didn't exist. That device is used only to pass along concrete information, not chit-chat about nothing. You'll hear from him when he has something to say... or when his wife lets him. :-p
By: Tanya
Age: 23
Location: New York
Question: I am 23 years old and started talking to an older, successful man. I was on the train one day when he started talking to me. We both found out we worked in the same building, and he suggested we meet for lunch sometime. We have been emailing each other back and forth and we finally made a date. Lunch went better than I thought, and he was very flirty and said he wanted to see me again. Not even ten minutes after our date I got an email from him, asking to see me again. After I responded, he never got back to me. I don't get it.
VictorM's advice:
What's there to get? He made a request and you gave him and answer. Full stop. What else is there to text about?
I know you girls can't live without constant texting, but he grew up when texting didn't exist. That device is used only to pass along concrete information, not chit-chat about nothing. You'll hear from him when he has something to say... or when his wife lets him. :-p
I made the 1st move
Submitted on Thursday, September 17, 2009
By: Maya
Age: 13
Location: NZ
Question: okay well there's this guy i've liked for some time..and so i made the 1st move and talked to him and stuff and one day when he was alone i asked him to be friends and he said yes. then we talked some more. and then he got his friend who is also my friend to tell me that i creep him out and am stalker-ish and to get tough.
so i left him alone for 1month and then after 1 month he teased me about something and is smiling me at me and seems to be nicer again. what does all this mean?
what happened? why did he say all this?
plz explain!
VictorM's advice:
What can I say, Maya... teenage boys are weird creatures*shakes head*. They just can't make up their mind most of the time and are often too influenced by peer pressure. So if one of his friends said something about you, he might have said those bad things about you to please his peers. But he's being friendly again and that's what matters.
You might be wondering when do guys outgrow this phase of not being able to make up their minds, right? Well, I'm 57 and I still don't know what I want half the time, so don't hold your breath. :)
By: Maya
Age: 13
Location: NZ
Question: okay well there's this guy i've liked for some time..and so i made the 1st move and talked to him and stuff and one day when he was alone i asked him to be friends and he said yes. then we talked some more. and then he got his friend who is also my friend to tell me that i creep him out and am stalker-ish and to get tough.
so i left him alone for 1month and then after 1 month he teased me about something and is smiling me at me and seems to be nicer again. what does all this mean?
what happened? why did he say all this?
plz explain!
VictorM's advice:
What can I say, Maya... teenage boys are weird creatures*shakes head*. They just can't make up their mind most of the time and are often too influenced by peer pressure. So if one of his friends said something about you, he might have said those bad things about you to please his peers. But he's being friendly again and that's what matters.
You might be wondering when do guys outgrow this phase of not being able to make up their minds, right? Well, I'm 57 and I still don't know what I want half the time, so don't hold your breath. :)
I am so disillusioned on my current situation
Submitted on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
By: April
Age: 42
Location: Virginia
Question: Hi, I am so disillusioned on my current situation that I am goggling. Perhaps someone outside of my circle can give me some new perspective.
I have been dating a divorced man who is 44 for 6 months. I do not date often because I am clear that I am looking for someone significant and while it is flattering that men find me attractive, I look for a sign that I am special or aligned on more levels than that. He has been divorced for 6 years.
Anyway, I took it very slow. I went out to lunch with him for a month before I even went out on an evening date. I have two teenagers and decided that I needed to be more open then I had before and I introduced them. He lives 45 minutes away and I have never been to his house. He always picks me up, but I started to question what he was really looking for. He told me he was looking for a deep relationship. I don't believe in forcing issues. I believe people are people. I have such strong feelings for him, but I had to end things because 4 weeks ago on a date I asked him if his two teenage daughters knew he was dating. He said yes. I asked if they knew my name and he said no. I felt crushed. I felt insignificant because he has expressed how he loves me and how he feels in my presence etc.. etc yakedy smakedy.
I told him his actions are completely different then what he is saying. No, I do not think he is still married. He has used his kids and them being a priority as an excuse for his actions, but I finally called him on that b.s because us has nothing to do with his family.
I just want him to open up to me and be vulnerable and it became evident that he wasn't ready for the relationship that he told me he was. I never have nor would I take time away from his children. The ex wife lives down the street. Its almost as if they are doing the same things as a family just without the piece of paper.
He is a good man and if anything he must feel some type of guilt from his failing marriage. Why is he even dating? I told him I felt like a "friends with benefits" He said he can't believe that I would think that is all we have.
Anyway, I am grieving and he continues to text or e mail me once or twice a week to "see if I'm okay or ask a question to get me to engage in some way. He has expressed many times how much he misses me and I miss him too, but I know that doesn't change the reality that no one in his world even knows I exist. My children, my friends and my sisters have met him. I really think he has the potential to be someone that I could fall in love with, but I feel like he needs to be courageous enough to cross his comfort zone. Maybe I'm just feeling jaded now. Is this normal behavior? Is there hope? Do I just start ignoring his trying to keep me on some type of string? Tell me something please. I promise you I am very discerning so I feel very confused.
VictorM's advice:
You'e asking too much from such a young relationship. You only met him 6 months ago. And by your own admission, you moved slowly. So how long have you been more than just going on dates? It has to be only a few months. And that simply is not enough time for a man to feel secure in a relationship. Oh women can feel close within a short period of time, as evidenced by you introducing him to all your family, but that's not normal for a guy. Heck, if he has more than half a dozen pair of underwear he may not have used them all yet and you already want to be part of his family. It's a no go.
His priority is the teenage daughters. You want to be the center of his universe, but it's both too early and too selfish of you to want that. He's told them about you, just not any details. I think he's done what most responsible fathers would do.
This has nothing to do with courage; it has to do with being sensible and knowing that a relationship that's only a few months old is not yet on solid footing, and won't be until he gets to know you better. And until that time, his children are off limits. Kudos to him.
By: April
Age: 42
Location: Virginia
Question: Hi, I am so disillusioned on my current situation that I am goggling. Perhaps someone outside of my circle can give me some new perspective.
I have been dating a divorced man who is 44 for 6 months. I do not date often because I am clear that I am looking for someone significant and while it is flattering that men find me attractive, I look for a sign that I am special or aligned on more levels than that. He has been divorced for 6 years.
Anyway, I took it very slow. I went out to lunch with him for a month before I even went out on an evening date. I have two teenagers and decided that I needed to be more open then I had before and I introduced them. He lives 45 minutes away and I have never been to his house. He always picks me up, but I started to question what he was really looking for. He told me he was looking for a deep relationship. I don't believe in forcing issues. I believe people are people. I have such strong feelings for him, but I had to end things because 4 weeks ago on a date I asked him if his two teenage daughters knew he was dating. He said yes. I asked if they knew my name and he said no. I felt crushed. I felt insignificant because he has expressed how he loves me and how he feels in my presence etc.. etc yakedy smakedy.
I told him his actions are completely different then what he is saying. No, I do not think he is still married. He has used his kids and them being a priority as an excuse for his actions, but I finally called him on that b.s because us has nothing to do with his family.
I just want him to open up to me and be vulnerable and it became evident that he wasn't ready for the relationship that he told me he was. I never have nor would I take time away from his children. The ex wife lives down the street. Its almost as if they are doing the same things as a family just without the piece of paper.
He is a good man and if anything he must feel some type of guilt from his failing marriage. Why is he even dating? I told him I felt like a "friends with benefits" He said he can't believe that I would think that is all we have.
Anyway, I am grieving and he continues to text or e mail me once or twice a week to "see if I'm okay or ask a question to get me to engage in some way. He has expressed many times how much he misses me and I miss him too, but I know that doesn't change the reality that no one in his world even knows I exist. My children, my friends and my sisters have met him. I really think he has the potential to be someone that I could fall in love with, but I feel like he needs to be courageous enough to cross his comfort zone. Maybe I'm just feeling jaded now. Is this normal behavior? Is there hope? Do I just start ignoring his trying to keep me on some type of string? Tell me something please. I promise you I am very discerning so I feel very confused.
VictorM's advice:
You'e asking too much from such a young relationship. You only met him 6 months ago. And by your own admission, you moved slowly. So how long have you been more than just going on dates? It has to be only a few months. And that simply is not enough time for a man to feel secure in a relationship. Oh women can feel close within a short period of time, as evidenced by you introducing him to all your family, but that's not normal for a guy. Heck, if he has more than half a dozen pair of underwear he may not have used them all yet and you already want to be part of his family. It's a no go.
His priority is the teenage daughters. You want to be the center of his universe, but it's both too early and too selfish of you to want that. He's told them about you, just not any details. I think he's done what most responsible fathers would do.
This has nothing to do with courage; it has to do with being sensible and knowing that a relationship that's only a few months old is not yet on solid footing, and won't be until he gets to know you better. And until that time, his children are off limits. Kudos to him.
Confidential to me, in the usa
He kept in contact with you as long as he consider you a possibility. Meanwhile, I would not be surprised if he was emailing other women as well. It sounds like eventually he ruled you out.
He just didn't love her
Submitted on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
By: Keeks
Age: 35
Location: Wisconsin
Question: I probably already know the answer, but I guess I am looking for confirmation from you. I started dating a guy about 3 months ago. He had just ended a 4 month relationship with a girl who was his best friend since middle school. He told me he felt bad about their break up and it probably ruined his friendship with her, but he just didn't love her. He questioned if he should be getting into another relationship so quickly after his breakup, but asked me out anyways. (my bad) Things were going good - we talked or text almost every day, we went out every weekend and would stay up and talk to 2:00 am almost every time we went out. We were just starting to get very close, when about 1 month ago he started canceling plans we had made and always at the last minute. He always seemed to have a good excuse, so I initially let it slide. (This all started happening after he had gone to a birthday dinner with his friends who were turning 40 this year. His ex was there along with his best friend and 10 other people.) So, after a few more canceled dates, I finally told him we had to talk - he agreed, but decided to tell me in an email instead. He told me he was having an "ex issue". He said he could not move forward with me or anything else for that matter until he figured things out. He told me that it was not fair to me to get me involved at this point. I asked him what the issue was? Did he still have feelings for his ex? He said he did not know, but the main issue was the fact that his best friend was married to his ex's sister and there were a lot of pressures. He did not elaborate. I was confused.... He said that he had a lot of thinking to do and could not be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. I've heard from him once since then (2 weeks ago). He told me he was going to a football game and was hoping to see me at the game - We never met up. So, my question is - what is going on in his head???? I am assuming he is just not that into me and he was too "nice" to tell me, but then who knows. Any chance he'll come around? I've started dating other people already, but can't seem to get him out of my head. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't have an "ex issue," he has a "you issue" -- he's just not into you anymore. And yes, he's just being nice now but don't expect him to come back.
By: Keeks
Age: 35
Location: Wisconsin
Question: I probably already know the answer, but I guess I am looking for confirmation from you. I started dating a guy about 3 months ago. He had just ended a 4 month relationship with a girl who was his best friend since middle school. He told me he felt bad about their break up and it probably ruined his friendship with her, but he just didn't love her. He questioned if he should be getting into another relationship so quickly after his breakup, but asked me out anyways. (my bad) Things were going good - we talked or text almost every day, we went out every weekend and would stay up and talk to 2:00 am almost every time we went out. We were just starting to get very close, when about 1 month ago he started canceling plans we had made and always at the last minute. He always seemed to have a good excuse, so I initially let it slide. (This all started happening after he had gone to a birthday dinner with his friends who were turning 40 this year. His ex was there along with his best friend and 10 other people.) So, after a few more canceled dates, I finally told him we had to talk - he agreed, but decided to tell me in an email instead. He told me he was having an "ex issue". He said he could not move forward with me or anything else for that matter until he figured things out. He told me that it was not fair to me to get me involved at this point. I asked him what the issue was? Did he still have feelings for his ex? He said he did not know, but the main issue was the fact that his best friend was married to his ex's sister and there were a lot of pressures. He did not elaborate. I was confused.... He said that he had a lot of thinking to do and could not be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. I've heard from him once since then (2 weeks ago). He told me he was going to a football game and was hoping to see me at the game - We never met up. So, my question is - what is going on in his head???? I am assuming he is just not that into me and he was too "nice" to tell me, but then who knows. Any chance he'll come around? I've started dating other people already, but can't seem to get him out of my head. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't have an "ex issue," he has a "you issue" -- he's just not into you anymore. And yes, he's just being nice now but don't expect him to come back.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
We broke up three days ago and I am devastated
Submitted on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
By: Olivia
Age: 19
Location: Virginia
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 yrs. We broke up three days ago and I am devastated. The day after we broke up (we broke up on a sunday night) he texted me a long apology and said that he missed me terribly and didn't know what he was thinking and asked to take me out to dinner. I told him I wanted to be alone that day and I needed time to think. He replied "ok then". Later I told him that if he wanted to meet up and talk we could and he replied that he thinks I am right, that he needs time to think about what he wants. I texted "well if youre just going to turn it around nevermind". The next day I was having a breakdown and texted him saying "this is stupid, youre my bestfriend and we cant even meet and talk" and replied immediately that "Not yet I need time to think about what I want. Its still always on my mind" I haven't said anything to him since and he hasn't said anything to me. We go to the same college and I saw him today with his head down walking to class. He didn't see me. For now I am going to leave him alone, no texting, no calling, nothing. I am going to give him his "time". Do you think I should just let all hope go for us? We've been together almost 2 years and we are best friends. Things went wrong when we spent too much time together. I became jealous and he took a lot for granted. I'm deeply in love with him and think that we might be able to work. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Spending too much time together can have this consequence. In healthy relationships, partners accept and encourage the other to spend time alone, with friends, of with their hobbies.
Do not give up hope yet. Considering what you said about what went wrong, taking time out may be the best course of action for now. But please, if he contacts you, don't get pissy. This is a difficult and confusing time for him too.
By: Olivia
Age: 19
Location: Virginia
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 yrs. We broke up three days ago and I am devastated. The day after we broke up (we broke up on a sunday night) he texted me a long apology and said that he missed me terribly and didn't know what he was thinking and asked to take me out to dinner. I told him I wanted to be alone that day and I needed time to think. He replied "ok then". Later I told him that if he wanted to meet up and talk we could and he replied that he thinks I am right, that he needs time to think about what he wants. I texted "well if youre just going to turn it around nevermind". The next day I was having a breakdown and texted him saying "this is stupid, youre my bestfriend and we cant even meet and talk" and replied immediately that "Not yet I need time to think about what I want. Its still always on my mind" I haven't said anything to him since and he hasn't said anything to me. We go to the same college and I saw him today with his head down walking to class. He didn't see me. For now I am going to leave him alone, no texting, no calling, nothing. I am going to give him his "time". Do you think I should just let all hope go for us? We've been together almost 2 years and we are best friends. Things went wrong when we spent too much time together. I became jealous and he took a lot for granted. I'm deeply in love with him and think that we might be able to work. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Spending too much time together can have this consequence. In healthy relationships, partners accept and encourage the other to spend time alone, with friends, of with their hobbies.
Do not give up hope yet. Considering what you said about what went wrong, taking time out may be the best course of action for now. But please, if he contacts you, don't get pissy. This is a difficult and confusing time for him too.
I met this boy on a camping trip
Submitted on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
By: Marina
Age: 17
Location: Vancouver
Question: I met this boy on a camping trip about a month ago. He is a friend's friend that I had never met before. On the camping trip we hooked up on the first night (it was 3 days 2 nights). After that we added each other on Facebook and messaged each other, at first he was pretty active about it. He promised to call me that weekend but he didn't, but we ended up going to the movies the next weekend (but I initiated it). When we were together things went well, and he asked me if he wanted me to come over the next day, but he ended up flaking out that day. I haven't seen him since. I didn't message him or anything the next week just to see if he would, nothing. I messaged him just now to ask him out on the weekend. Why has he stopped showing interest lately?
Also, he is always posting love quizzes and lyrics on his facebook wall, and making comments like 'i wish i had one (one true love)'. On another social networking site I saw that he had changed his relationship status to 'taken' after our movie date, and then after I added him on that site he changed the status back to single. Does he still like me?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest.
Why does that happen? I don't know, and he probably doesn't know either, but that's just the way things go. Sometimes we're excited about someone else but after a while that interest simply fades.
By: Marina
Age: 17
Location: Vancouver
Question: I met this boy on a camping trip about a month ago. He is a friend's friend that I had never met before. On the camping trip we hooked up on the first night (it was 3 days 2 nights). After that we added each other on Facebook and messaged each other, at first he was pretty active about it. He promised to call me that weekend but he didn't, but we ended up going to the movies the next weekend (but I initiated it). When we were together things went well, and he asked me if he wanted me to come over the next day, but he ended up flaking out that day. I haven't seen him since. I didn't message him or anything the next week just to see if he would, nothing. I messaged him just now to ask him out on the weekend. Why has he stopped showing interest lately?
Also, he is always posting love quizzes and lyrics on his facebook wall, and making comments like 'i wish i had one (one true love)'. On another social networking site I saw that he had changed his relationship status to 'taken' after our movie date, and then after I added him on that site he changed the status back to single. Does he still like me?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest.
Why does that happen? I don't know, and he probably doesn't know either, but that's just the way things go. Sometimes we're excited about someone else but after a while that interest simply fades.
I met a bunch of his friends for drinks
Submitted on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
By: Ally
Age: 27
Location: murrieta, ca
Question: I have been dating this guy, 26, for 4 months now. We have mentioned that we are not seeing anyone else, but are not exclusive. Within the first month, I met a bunch of his friends for drinks. We seamed to all get along. Since that one time, I have never been invited to hangout with him and his friends, and he has never met any of mine. He calls me every morning, we takes me out several times in a week, and he lives an hour away. Hes mentioned that anyone hes ever dated would always go out and party with his friends, but I'm NEVER invited. Im very confident in my appearance and personality, but this is starting to get to me.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what could be causing your exclusion. I can venture a couple of possibilities, but I have no idea if any of them come close to the real reason.
One possibility is that someone in his group of friends either was put off by you or said something about you that he didn't like. Guys can be awfully vulnerable to peer pressure.
Another possibility is someone else (a female) has joined his circle of friends and he wants the freedom to consider his options.
You could suggest that you enjoyed being out with him and his friends and would like to do it again soon. See how he reacts to that. Conversely, plan a night out for him to meet your friends and again, see how he responds.
By: Ally
Age: 27
Location: murrieta, ca
Question: I have been dating this guy, 26, for 4 months now. We have mentioned that we are not seeing anyone else, but are not exclusive. Within the first month, I met a bunch of his friends for drinks. We seamed to all get along. Since that one time, I have never been invited to hangout with him and his friends, and he has never met any of mine. He calls me every morning, we takes me out several times in a week, and he lives an hour away. Hes mentioned that anyone hes ever dated would always go out and party with his friends, but I'm NEVER invited. Im very confident in my appearance and personality, but this is starting to get to me.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what could be causing your exclusion. I can venture a couple of possibilities, but I have no idea if any of them come close to the real reason.
One possibility is that someone in his group of friends either was put off by you or said something about you that he didn't like. Guys can be awfully vulnerable to peer pressure.
Another possibility is someone else (a female) has joined his circle of friends and he wants the freedom to consider his options.
You could suggest that you enjoyed being out with him and his friends and would like to do it again soon. See how he reacts to that. Conversely, plan a night out for him to meet your friends and again, see how he responds.
I think I might like a friend of mine
Submitted on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
By: Maren
Age: 21
Location: USA
Question: I think I might like a friend of mine.
I've known this guy since college and we've meet through a best friend of mine...we were not best of friends in college,but we were pretty good friends, like ones that love to play video games with one another and laugh at the same jokes. Well, I came back to visit all my friends from college after graduating, and we hanged out and played video games like old times. During this time, we ((me and the guy i'm talking about)) were on the same couch. As it got later and later, he started to get tired and slumped into the side of the couch on his back so that his head was facing me. Sometimes he would put his head on my lap, and than take it back to sit up right on the couch. There were times on the couch that we were touching ((my legs near his waist or his head near my thigh)) that were too close for comfort, yet neither of us didn't mind at certain points, like it was no big deal or we were all ready dating. Even when he was on the floor in front of me near the couch, he was lying against a pillow that I had tucked near my chest and we both didn't seem to mind the closeness ((and sometimes he would stretch and land his arm on my legs and leave it there, even though he would apoligize and I wouldn't mind.)) And yet he sometimes he would scoot away from me on the couch, like a was a plague or something. When it was time to go home the next day, I got to hug everyone. Mine you, me and this guy have never gotten closer than to being just friends, but he's always treated me with kindness and respect. So when we hugged, well, it wasn't really a "hug". It was more like, a hold or embrace. I can't say that he didn't want to let go, cuz I don't know. but I know that hug can not be labeled as just a "friend hug". there's no way. It didn't feel that way. It was warmer, deeper and somehow more heartfelt than most of the hugs I've gotten and it wasn't brief or just a casual "goodbye hug", like he wanted to hold me longer. He's done this twice now, the day I got there an the day I had to leave. I've thought about this guy more than a friend at times but usually it comes as just a casual thought and I just push it out of my mind. He's always been nice to me, so there really shouldn't be a big deal about this but why can't I get'em out of my freakin' head! Is this really a feeling I should be going after or just some stupid affection I shouldn't worrying about? and from this is there anyway you can tell that he likes me as well? I need to get this sorted out before I act something stupid and lose a good friend to a silly girlish crush..........or is it more? Help me please.
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing wrong with girlish crushes... that's how typically you feel some sort of attraction for a guy.
Does he like you? Hard to tell. The whole touching in the cough thing and closer hugs are only indications that he finds you attractive. Under similar circumstances, any other girl he finds attractive would be the recipient of the same attention. Guys simply like physical contact with attractive females.
Any interest in you on his part isn't for friendship -- guys have no need for that. He clearly finds you attractive. He likes being close to you. But does he want anything more? Your guess is as good as mine. But since you like him, it's incumbent upon you to give him some indications of your interest, short of actually saying it. And how do you do that?
Spend more time with him alone, dress like you're on a date, invade his personal space (that is, stand closer to him than you normally do), hold eye contact a little longer... that sorta thing.
By: Maren
Age: 21
Location: USA
Question: I think I might like a friend of mine.
I've known this guy since college and we've meet through a best friend of mine...we were not best of friends in college,but we were pretty good friends, like ones that love to play video games with one another and laugh at the same jokes. Well, I came back to visit all my friends from college after graduating, and we hanged out and played video games like old times. During this time, we ((me and the guy i'm talking about)) were on the same couch. As it got later and later, he started to get tired and slumped into the side of the couch on his back so that his head was facing me. Sometimes he would put his head on my lap, and than take it back to sit up right on the couch. There were times on the couch that we were touching ((my legs near his waist or his head near my thigh)) that were too close for comfort, yet neither of us didn't mind at certain points, like it was no big deal or we were all ready dating. Even when he was on the floor in front of me near the couch, he was lying against a pillow that I had tucked near my chest and we both didn't seem to mind the closeness ((and sometimes he would stretch and land his arm on my legs and leave it there, even though he would apoligize and I wouldn't mind.)) And yet he sometimes he would scoot away from me on the couch, like a was a plague or something. When it was time to go home the next day, I got to hug everyone. Mine you, me and this guy have never gotten closer than to being just friends, but he's always treated me with kindness and respect. So when we hugged, well, it wasn't really a "hug". It was more like, a hold or embrace. I can't say that he didn't want to let go, cuz I don't know. but I know that hug can not be labeled as just a "friend hug". there's no way. It didn't feel that way. It was warmer, deeper and somehow more heartfelt than most of the hugs I've gotten and it wasn't brief or just a casual "goodbye hug", like he wanted to hold me longer. He's done this twice now, the day I got there an the day I had to leave. I've thought about this guy more than a friend at times but usually it comes as just a casual thought and I just push it out of my mind. He's always been nice to me, so there really shouldn't be a big deal about this but why can't I get'em out of my freakin' head! Is this really a feeling I should be going after or just some stupid affection I shouldn't worrying about? and from this is there anyway you can tell that he likes me as well? I need to get this sorted out before I act something stupid and lose a good friend to a silly girlish crush..........or is it more? Help me please.
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing wrong with girlish crushes... that's how typically you feel some sort of attraction for a guy.
Does he like you? Hard to tell. The whole touching in the cough thing and closer hugs are only indications that he finds you attractive. Under similar circumstances, any other girl he finds attractive would be the recipient of the same attention. Guys simply like physical contact with attractive females.
Any interest in you on his part isn't for friendship -- guys have no need for that. He clearly finds you attractive. He likes being close to you. But does he want anything more? Your guess is as good as mine. But since you like him, it's incumbent upon you to give him some indications of your interest, short of actually saying it. And how do you do that?
Spend more time with him alone, dress like you're on a date, invade his personal space (that is, stand closer to him than you normally do), hold eye contact a little longer... that sorta thing.
Condifential to K, in USA
Say something like it was nice seeing him at the college or that since you last saw him at the college you've been wondering what he's up to. Make sure to end your email with a question that invites him to respond. This way you get a conversation going.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
We started kissing after drinking one night
Submitted on Tuesday, September 15, 2009
By: kelly
Age: 21
Location: florida
Question: I have been good friends with this guy for about 3 years. I started having feelings for him, and not wanting to ruin our friendship didn't pursue anything. But, then we started kissing after drinking one night and another night and another. Never went any farther, just kissing, and just fun. Then we started talking and he knows that I like him, and have for some time. He says that he can see himself marrying me and having a future with me because I'm basically perfect for him, but then after we hang out for a night or talk about things he acts completely weird. This has been an ongoing cycle for almost a year now, and I'm so confused. I don't know what his deal is, and when I do ask him about it I get the idea that he's afraid of commitment or something because he's always saying how he wants to end up with me, but that he thinks if we were together right now things wouldn't work out because I just moved 2 hours away. Is there any truth to what he's saying, or is this a "I'm going to wait around and look for someone else and if I can't find better than you I'll take you" kind of situation.
VictorM's advice:
It's bullshit! He likes the kissing and fun stuff without being in a relationship with you. And as long as you go along, nothing will change. He says what he says to make you feel good about yourself and to keep you coming back for the fun.
If you moving 2 hours away is putting a damper on things, than he simply isn't that into you and he's basically lying to get his little fun.
This is quite simple: if he's only a friend, then stop with the kissing! Continuing to make out with him without being boyfriend-girlfriend only sends the message that you're not serious relationship material.
But will he keep coming back if you end the kissing? Doubtful. But your "friendship" ended when you started making out. In fact, it's most likely that it was the prospect that you'd eventually put out that kept him close. Boys and girls who are attracted to each other usually look for something more than friendship after a while, and in your case, you want a relationship, in his case, he wanted all along what he has now.
Pure friendship between you two is now basically out of the question.
By: kelly
Age: 21
Location: florida
Question: I have been good friends with this guy for about 3 years. I started having feelings for him, and not wanting to ruin our friendship didn't pursue anything. But, then we started kissing after drinking one night and another night and another. Never went any farther, just kissing, and just fun. Then we started talking and he knows that I like him, and have for some time. He says that he can see himself marrying me and having a future with me because I'm basically perfect for him, but then after we hang out for a night or talk about things he acts completely weird. This has been an ongoing cycle for almost a year now, and I'm so confused. I don't know what his deal is, and when I do ask him about it I get the idea that he's afraid of commitment or something because he's always saying how he wants to end up with me, but that he thinks if we were together right now things wouldn't work out because I just moved 2 hours away. Is there any truth to what he's saying, or is this a "I'm going to wait around and look for someone else and if I can't find better than you I'll take you" kind of situation.
VictorM's advice:
It's bullshit! He likes the kissing and fun stuff without being in a relationship with you. And as long as you go along, nothing will change. He says what he says to make you feel good about yourself and to keep you coming back for the fun.
If you moving 2 hours away is putting a damper on things, than he simply isn't that into you and he's basically lying to get his little fun.
This is quite simple: if he's only a friend, then stop with the kissing! Continuing to make out with him without being boyfriend-girlfriend only sends the message that you're not serious relationship material.
But will he keep coming back if you end the kissing? Doubtful. But your "friendship" ended when you started making out. In fact, it's most likely that it was the prospect that you'd eventually put out that kept him close. Boys and girls who are attracted to each other usually look for something more than friendship after a while, and in your case, you want a relationship, in his case, he wanted all along what he has now.
Pure friendship between you two is now basically out of the question.
My husband has lost interest in making love to me
Submitted on Tuesday, September 15, 2009
By: Tami
Age: 46
Location: USA
Question: been married over a year. my husband has lost interest in making love to me. he visits porn sites alone when we used to do it together. there is no affection from him. and says its my fault, re:stress
VictorM's advice:
What do you mean by stress? Does he mean you put stress on the relationship? Can you write back and give further details about that?
By: Tami
Age: 46
Location: USA
Question: been married over a year. my husband has lost interest in making love to me. he visits porn sites alone when we used to do it together. there is no affection from him. and says its my fault, re:stress
VictorM's advice:
What do you mean by stress? Does he mean you put stress on the relationship? Can you write back and give further details about that?
He's in jail cause they have him confused with someone else
Submitted on Tuesday, September 15, 2009
By: selena
Age: 17
Location: houston
Question: I've met this guy at a store. i got his number and we've been talking ever since that day. i asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes but that they're always arguing. he doesn't want to be with her cause she doesn't let him do anything. He can't go anywhere without her. I kept talking to him and she started noticing and she asked him who i was and he would say his friend's sister. well now he's in jail cause they have him confused with someone else so they're going to let him go next month. He tells me he wants to hang out with me and figure a way to leave his girl. I asked him why he can't just move out and he said he can't cause he won't have no where to go but that he's going to work and save up so we can live together. He tells me he wants to be with me and no one else and he wants to have kids someday and get married. My question is should i talk to his guy or should i leave him alone until he gets his stuff together? i'm really feeling him though.
VictorM's advice:
You should leave him... forever!
I call bullshit on his whole shtick, from being in jail by mistake -- double bullshit on that! -- to the reasons for staying with his girlfriend, to the whole nonsense about wanting kids.
You're old enough to recognize bullshit when you hear it. You better start acting your age and start weeding out the bullshitters out of your life or you're going to be an unhappy girl.
By: selena
Age: 17
Location: houston
Question: I've met this guy at a store. i got his number and we've been talking ever since that day. i asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes but that they're always arguing. he doesn't want to be with her cause she doesn't let him do anything. He can't go anywhere without her. I kept talking to him and she started noticing and she asked him who i was and he would say his friend's sister. well now he's in jail cause they have him confused with someone else so they're going to let him go next month. He tells me he wants to hang out with me and figure a way to leave his girl. I asked him why he can't just move out and he said he can't cause he won't have no where to go but that he's going to work and save up so we can live together. He tells me he wants to be with me and no one else and he wants to have kids someday and get married. My question is should i talk to his guy or should i leave him alone until he gets his stuff together? i'm really feeling him though.
VictorM's advice:
You should leave him... forever!
I call bullshit on his whole shtick, from being in jail by mistake -- double bullshit on that! -- to the reasons for staying with his girlfriend, to the whole nonsense about wanting kids.
You're old enough to recognize bullshit when you hear it. You better start acting your age and start weeding out the bullshitters out of your life or you're going to be an unhappy girl.
He still did NOT ask me out for a real date
Submitted on Tuesday, September 15, 2009
By: Nancy
Age: 22
Location: Victoria, BC
Question: Hello Victor,
Yours is the first site that comes up when you google guy advice ;-) that's saying its the best so I'm in the right place I hope. Here goes my question:
I have a huge attraction and interest in an older man in his thirties who is separated and has two kids. We met at the beginning of the year with a coffee meeting talking about professional endevours in which I wanted tips and advice about his field that I hoped to get into. Anyway-right away the chemistry was inevitable and obvious. Afterward, he invited me to a networking event a few days later and I saw him there, not for long. To follow was a lot of flirting via text message, on and off. We would occasionally bump into one another at so and so coffee shop; bottom line is he has NOT asked me out on a real date except a coffee date after all the texting, which was a few months ago, and very brief. He suggested we go work out together after, but never acted upon it. Work is basically his life, he works 6 days a week long hours, and loves it. Long story short, after not talking for a few months, he surprise visited me at work at my restaurant two nights ago, and we had a great chat, even more chemistry. He still did NOT ask me out for a real date and my question is: why? so much grey area. I know the attraction is there but why is he not doing anything about it? Part of me wants to label it "he's just not that into you" but the other part says no, there's something there. I want to text him and say how happy I was to see him etc. but know I shouldn't, and should let it happen naturally. Your thoughts?? What should I do and/or think?? (if anything)(sorry if this is way too much detail for the end question)
VictorM's advice:
I wasn't aware of the Google ranking. That's good stuff. Thanks for letting me know.
My first guess as to why he doesn't act on his attraction for you is age difference. I don't know if he knows your age or if you even look it, but I can at least assume he knows you're much younger. It's one thing to find you attractive and flirt with you, but a whole different story dating someone your age.
I think you're a pleasant distraction from work, but since he enjoys his work, he simply doesn't need that distraction that often.
Do not confuse a guy feeling attraction for you, and even wanting your attention, to a guy wanting a relationship or even casual dating. Nothing strokes a man's ego like the attention of an attractive woman, and guys are always seeking it, but they can't possibly get serious about every attractive woman they flirt with.
He also may doubt that someone as young as yourself would want to date him, so although you want to let nature take its course, in this circumstance you might consider nudging things along, to give him ample hints that you're interested in him as more than a business mentor (not that I think dating this guy is necessarily a good thing, not just because of the age difference but his work ethic leaves little time for the attention most women want).
By: Nancy
Age: 22
Location: Victoria, BC
Question: Hello Victor,
Yours is the first site that comes up when you google guy advice ;-) that's saying its the best so I'm in the right place I hope. Here goes my question:
I have a huge attraction and interest in an older man in his thirties who is separated and has two kids. We met at the beginning of the year with a coffee meeting talking about professional endevours in which I wanted tips and advice about his field that I hoped to get into. Anyway-right away the chemistry was inevitable and obvious. Afterward, he invited me to a networking event a few days later and I saw him there, not for long. To follow was a lot of flirting via text message, on and off. We would occasionally bump into one another at so and so coffee shop; bottom line is he has NOT asked me out on a real date except a coffee date after all the texting, which was a few months ago, and very brief. He suggested we go work out together after, but never acted upon it. Work is basically his life, he works 6 days a week long hours, and loves it. Long story short, after not talking for a few months, he surprise visited me at work at my restaurant two nights ago, and we had a great chat, even more chemistry. He still did NOT ask me out for a real date and my question is: why? so much grey area. I know the attraction is there but why is he not doing anything about it? Part of me wants to label it "he's just not that into you" but the other part says no, there's something there. I want to text him and say how happy I was to see him etc. but know I shouldn't, and should let it happen naturally. Your thoughts?? What should I do and/or think?? (if anything)(sorry if this is way too much detail for the end question)
VictorM's advice:
I wasn't aware of the Google ranking. That's good stuff. Thanks for letting me know.
My first guess as to why he doesn't act on his attraction for you is age difference. I don't know if he knows your age or if you even look it, but I can at least assume he knows you're much younger. It's one thing to find you attractive and flirt with you, but a whole different story dating someone your age.
I think you're a pleasant distraction from work, but since he enjoys his work, he simply doesn't need that distraction that often.
Do not confuse a guy feeling attraction for you, and even wanting your attention, to a guy wanting a relationship or even casual dating. Nothing strokes a man's ego like the attention of an attractive woman, and guys are always seeking it, but they can't possibly get serious about every attractive woman they flirt with.
He also may doubt that someone as young as yourself would want to date him, so although you want to let nature take its course, in this circumstance you might consider nudging things along, to give him ample hints that you're interested in him as more than a business mentor (not that I think dating this guy is necessarily a good thing, not just because of the age difference but his work ethic leaves little time for the attention most women want).
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Back!
I'm back from taking two weeks off.
The form to submit new questions is now open again.
The form to submit new questions is now open again.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
The main issue is his truck
Submitted on Wednesday, September 02, 2009
By: Merri
Age: 25
Location: Cape Cod MA
Question: My boyfriend of over a year has a good work ethic and isn't really lazy until it comes to his own projects. The main issue is his truck aka the "bumblebee", a yellow and black 78 Suburban with air bag suspension he installed himself and a fairly new motor. It's a really cool truck but he took it apart before we started dating to repair some dents, paint it and do some more custom work to it. Since he does body work/paints cars he wants his own to look nice. But in the year we've been dating he has barely touched it! Right now his motorcycle is his daily driver, but that's hardly practical. The problems are: 1) everyone asks him to do side work/he takes on other projects, and 2) his buddies start hanging out and drinking around 5pm everyday so he gets sucked into that and wastes all that time he should be putting into his truck. So my question is what is it gonna take for him to finally get this thing done? I know I can't really do anything about it.
VictorM's advice:
First of all, this situation is very common: guys like him (mechanics, carpenters, plumbers, etc.) take on other work at the expense of their own projects.
I have no idea what it will take for him to ever get his things done, but so what if he never does? Helping others and sitting around with his pals take priority over his own projects. So what? Whatever gives him the most satisfaction should rule the day, not what you think he should do.
Besides, that 78 yellow and black Suburban truck sounds like an odious idea. :) Maybe he realizes it more than you do.
By: Merri
Age: 25
Location: Cape Cod MA
Question: My boyfriend of over a year has a good work ethic and isn't really lazy until it comes to his own projects. The main issue is his truck aka the "bumblebee", a yellow and black 78 Suburban with air bag suspension he installed himself and a fairly new motor. It's a really cool truck but he took it apart before we started dating to repair some dents, paint it and do some more custom work to it. Since he does body work/paints cars he wants his own to look nice. But in the year we've been dating he has barely touched it! Right now his motorcycle is his daily driver, but that's hardly practical. The problems are: 1) everyone asks him to do side work/he takes on other projects, and 2) his buddies start hanging out and drinking around 5pm everyday so he gets sucked into that and wastes all that time he should be putting into his truck. So my question is what is it gonna take for him to finally get this thing done? I know I can't really do anything about it.
VictorM's advice:
First of all, this situation is very common: guys like him (mechanics, carpenters, plumbers, etc.) take on other work at the expense of their own projects.
I have no idea what it will take for him to ever get his things done, but so what if he never does? Helping others and sitting around with his pals take priority over his own projects. So what? Whatever gives him the most satisfaction should rule the day, not what you think he should do.
Besides, that 78 yellow and black Suburban truck sounds like an odious idea. :) Maybe he realizes it more than you do.
I am in over my head
Submitted on Wednesday, September 02, 2009
By: ellie
Question: victor, i need your help. i am in over my head and i feel like i am going to have a breakdown.
so this guy that i have told you about, he is really ruining my life. i saw him on saturday, not sure if i told you already, and we basically fought some more and then he pressured me into sleeping with him. it was my first time. then we were texting on monday and tuesday and after i went to bed on tuesday night, i woke up around 2am and saw that i had a text from him asking if i wanted to go out (he gets home from work around 12 and the text was a little after that).
i asked him to come over instead because i always go there, and he said he just wanted me to come there because he feels awkward since my roommates are there (even though he has his friend staying with him!), so i actually got up and went to his apt on a tuesday night at 2:30 am, when i have work in the morning. we sat around for a bit and we talked a little, and then we slept together again.
before i could kind of keep my distance, but because of that, i feel like i am crazy about him now. at the same time, i feel like maybe he was a little less into me last night, but maybe i imagined it because i was paranoid, not sure. anyway, i am in wayyyy over my head. i dont know what to do. i dont know how he feels about me (he says he likes me a lot, but thats all) and he basically has complete control over me, to the point where i jump out of bed to go to his house. i have never lost my dignity and self respect over a person like this before, even people i have been crazy about. i am terrified he is going to stop liking me, and that is keeping me from setting limits with him. what do you think i should do? i dont want to be one of those stupid girls that forces a guy to "have a talk." i have never been like that. but i am really going out of my mind. this is the worst situation. please tell me what to do, what i should say to him, how i should handle this...
VictorM's advice:
Ellie, given everything I know about you, and everything I've told you, and given your reactions to a jerk like this guy, I feel that I can no longer help you. You need professional help. Someone more skilled at this than I am.
I'm but a guy with good intentions who feels I can contribute some by "translating" what guys do and say, but I don't have the training necessary to explain, and get to the root of, why someone as beautiful and smart as you subjects herself to the jerks you choose to date.
I hope you take this piece of advice and consult a professional therapist. Your situation is over my head.
By: ellie
Question: victor, i need your help. i am in over my head and i feel like i am going to have a breakdown.
so this guy that i have told you about, he is really ruining my life. i saw him on saturday, not sure if i told you already, and we basically fought some more and then he pressured me into sleeping with him. it was my first time. then we were texting on monday and tuesday and after i went to bed on tuesday night, i woke up around 2am and saw that i had a text from him asking if i wanted to go out (he gets home from work around 12 and the text was a little after that).
i asked him to come over instead because i always go there, and he said he just wanted me to come there because he feels awkward since my roommates are there (even though he has his friend staying with him!), so i actually got up and went to his apt on a tuesday night at 2:30 am, when i have work in the morning. we sat around for a bit and we talked a little, and then we slept together again.
before i could kind of keep my distance, but because of that, i feel like i am crazy about him now. at the same time, i feel like maybe he was a little less into me last night, but maybe i imagined it because i was paranoid, not sure. anyway, i am in wayyyy over my head. i dont know what to do. i dont know how he feels about me (he says he likes me a lot, but thats all) and he basically has complete control over me, to the point where i jump out of bed to go to his house. i have never lost my dignity and self respect over a person like this before, even people i have been crazy about. i am terrified he is going to stop liking me, and that is keeping me from setting limits with him. what do you think i should do? i dont want to be one of those stupid girls that forces a guy to "have a talk." i have never been like that. but i am really going out of my mind. this is the worst situation. please tell me what to do, what i should say to him, how i should handle this...
VictorM's advice:
Ellie, given everything I know about you, and everything I've told you, and given your reactions to a jerk like this guy, I feel that I can no longer help you. You need professional help. Someone more skilled at this than I am.
I'm but a guy with good intentions who feels I can contribute some by "translating" what guys do and say, but I don't have the training necessary to explain, and get to the root of, why someone as beautiful and smart as you subjects herself to the jerks you choose to date.
I hope you take this piece of advice and consult a professional therapist. Your situation is over my head.
He was torn between his culture and being with me
Submitted on Tuesday, September 01, 2009
By: Susie
Age: 40
Question: Hi, I've contacted you before. I have been seeing a guy for two years now. About a year ago, he said he was torn between his culture and being with me. He's Greek. Old school. To cut a long story short, he had a professional crisis and came back and asked for my help and that led to us getting back together. We've been back together now for nine months. To say he's been extra loving would be an understatement and our communication has been much better (or so I thought). We've been on a long holiday together. Recently, I did something rather stupid and invaded his privacy big time. Very stupid of me. He texted me to say that he needed time to re-evaluate the relationship and wanted time apart. I've been giving him that time. I received an email from him today and I wondered whether you thought he's on his way out or if this is salvageable? I've enclosed an extract.
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
You can, and should, stop with the apologies -- after doing it once, they only serve to bring up the incident back up.
But it sounds by the tone of his email that the recent incident is not the only issue on his mind. He said he has been "torn for long time!" His extra loving communication is not necessarily a reflection of strong feelings, rather, it's the reflection of someone trying hard to make something work. It seems that the conflict between your culture and his continue to be an issue he can't overcome, no matter how much he tries.
The issue is entirely in his hands. You just have to decide how long you're willing to wait before you move on.
By: Susie
Age: 40
Question: Hi, I've contacted you before. I have been seeing a guy for two years now. About a year ago, he said he was torn between his culture and being with me. He's Greek. Old school. To cut a long story short, he had a professional crisis and came back and asked for my help and that led to us getting back together. We've been back together now for nine months. To say he's been extra loving would be an understatement and our communication has been much better (or so I thought). We've been on a long holiday together. Recently, I did something rather stupid and invaded his privacy big time. Very stupid of me. He texted me to say that he needed time to re-evaluate the relationship and wanted time apart. I've been giving him that time. I received an email from him today and I wondered whether you thought he's on his way out or if this is salvageable? I've enclosed an extract.
Check yourself....i think im done!...I dont know if i have been happy for months now, I thought that it was all my troubles but i have been torn for a long time!I replied with a big apology and told him to take the time he needs. Is there anything else I can do?
Thailand was beautiful and many other moments that we have shared but i dont know what i feel anymore...that is why i need my time to realize what is good for me and if it means walking away from you then i dont want to lead you on(not that I have all this time), or stop you from making a life for yourself that you deserve.
Youre a beautiful person! Always remember that!! The only thing i need to answer to myself is are you for me!
Know this, I care about and love you! But I am who I am and its not fair to you for this to continue if it means me being unhappy deep inside.
I will leave it at this for now...there is propably a million things i can write but I think I'll end it here.
IM SORRY...but i have been hurt for a while deep inside even though I havent showed or expressed it."
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
You can, and should, stop with the apologies -- after doing it once, they only serve to bring up the incident back up.
But it sounds by the tone of his email that the recent incident is not the only issue on his mind. He said he has been "torn for long time!" His extra loving communication is not necessarily a reflection of strong feelings, rather, it's the reflection of someone trying hard to make something work. It seems that the conflict between your culture and his continue to be an issue he can't overcome, no matter how much he tries.
The issue is entirely in his hands. You just have to decide how long you're willing to wait before you move on.
I have been doing the online dating thing
Submitted on Tuesday, September 01, 2009
By: Trammy
Age: 35
Location: MI
Question: I have been doing the online dating thing. Finally met a guy online that I actually like. He seems to be really excited to have met me, too. He would stroke my hair and kiss me on my head when we hug. He asked me out on several dates and finally after watching 2 movies at my house, asked me if he may kiss me. We talked and cuddled and ended up making out till 5 in the morning. Made plans for the next day and said goodbye. The next morning, I got a call from him saying that he's on his way back to his parents house (6 hours away) because his mother is seriously ill. He said he was so sorry that he has to cancel our date.
Now, later on that evening, he took his profile down, left a note saying he can't date right now because his mom is sick, then sent me an email telling he how nice the previous evening was and asked me to be patient with him but right now his focus would be his mother. But get this, he sign the email with "your friend, xxx". I just don't know what to think of it.
He's been there a week and we've been emailing back and forth but no phone calls. He is even selling his company so that he may spend a few weeks taking care of his mom. He said that he would keep in touch.
I'm not sure what to make of this. Is he interested?? Not interested?? What a girl should do?
Trammy
VictorM's advice:
After only a few dates, you are just friends. Nothing to be shocked about that. And you're not a priority in his life at this point. Again, nothing to shocked about.
Whether he remains interested or now you'll be able to tell in the days ahead. You have nothing to lose by giving him some time to reveal his true intentions. However, you should be giving some thought as to whether or not you want a long distance relationship. Such relationships can work, but the odds are not very high.
By: Trammy
Age: 35
Location: MI
Question: I have been doing the online dating thing. Finally met a guy online that I actually like. He seems to be really excited to have met me, too. He would stroke my hair and kiss me on my head when we hug. He asked me out on several dates and finally after watching 2 movies at my house, asked me if he may kiss me. We talked and cuddled and ended up making out till 5 in the morning. Made plans for the next day and said goodbye. The next morning, I got a call from him saying that he's on his way back to his parents house (6 hours away) because his mother is seriously ill. He said he was so sorry that he has to cancel our date.
Now, later on that evening, he took his profile down, left a note saying he can't date right now because his mom is sick, then sent me an email telling he how nice the previous evening was and asked me to be patient with him but right now his focus would be his mother. But get this, he sign the email with "your friend, xxx". I just don't know what to think of it.
He's been there a week and we've been emailing back and forth but no phone calls. He is even selling his company so that he may spend a few weeks taking care of his mom. He said that he would keep in touch.
I'm not sure what to make of this. Is he interested?? Not interested?? What a girl should do?
Trammy
VictorM's advice:
After only a few dates, you are just friends. Nothing to be shocked about that. And you're not a priority in his life at this point. Again, nothing to shocked about.
Whether he remains interested or now you'll be able to tell in the days ahead. You have nothing to lose by giving him some time to reveal his true intentions. However, you should be giving some thought as to whether or not you want a long distance relationship. Such relationships can work, but the odds are not very high.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
We always end up kissing
Submitted on Tuesday, September 01, 2009
By: Amy
Age: 22
Location: cali
Question: I have been fiends with a guy for 5 years now we tried dating when we first met but it never worked out so we agreed to be just friends...well once the two of us start drinking or whatever we always end up kissing. It has been going on for over 4 years now and he tells me he doesn't know why this happens...could this "friend" like me but is afraid to tell me? He confuses me and I'm not sure what to do...please help
VictorM's advice:
I don't mean to offend you, but once guys drink, they would kiss and make out with any female who is: a) not dead, and b) not their mother. Feelings have nothing to do with it. He's simply horny, you're there, your alive, and you're not his mother. Case closed.
By: Amy
Age: 22
Location: cali
Question: I have been fiends with a guy for 5 years now we tried dating when we first met but it never worked out so we agreed to be just friends...well once the two of us start drinking or whatever we always end up kissing. It has been going on for over 4 years now and he tells me he doesn't know why this happens...could this "friend" like me but is afraid to tell me? He confuses me and I'm not sure what to do...please help
VictorM's advice:
I don't mean to offend you, but once guys drink, they would kiss and make out with any female who is: a) not dead, and b) not their mother. Feelings have nothing to do with it. He's simply horny, you're there, your alive, and you're not his mother. Case closed.
I'm not sure if he is interested in me or not
Submitted on Tuesday, September 01, 2009
By: Danielle
Age: 24
Location: Michigan
Question: Hi Vic! There is this guy that I'm sort of crushing on, but I'm not sure if he is interested in me or not.I don't have a problem with approaching him,but I don't handle rejection well so I would prefer to see how is acts towards me more before I approach. School just started two weeks ago and he is in two of my classes this semester.He was in one of my classes last semester too but I sort of didn't pay him any attention because I had a boyfriend. Anyway,I've never talked to him before until two weeks ago when we were in the deans office.He seemed really cool.We are both Mass Comm majors so being chatty with me really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. So anyway, he has joking asked me in the Monday class why I don't save him a sit in the other class. He has done that about 3 times. Yesterday he also walked from that class to my next class with me(his was in the same building) but all we talked about was our classes&professors. Last week I was walking right beside him and he didn't even acknowledge me.We never talk or sit by each other during either class. So should I approach or leave it be?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing that you say spells clear cut interest on his part. It's a start, and clearly better than nothing, but guys will do that sort of thing with tons of girls.
Besides the risk of rejection, actually being too forceful is not such a great idea, so I advise you to exercise some patience, yet not give up.
What you can do is slowly escalate things without being too obvious. Save him a seat in class. Seek his help with homework. Buy him a cup of coffee. Small stuff like that.
By: Danielle
Age: 24
Location: Michigan
Question: Hi Vic! There is this guy that I'm sort of crushing on, but I'm not sure if he is interested in me or not.I don't have a problem with approaching him,but I don't handle rejection well so I would prefer to see how is acts towards me more before I approach. School just started two weeks ago and he is in two of my classes this semester.He was in one of my classes last semester too but I sort of didn't pay him any attention because I had a boyfriend. Anyway,I've never talked to him before until two weeks ago when we were in the deans office.He seemed really cool.We are both Mass Comm majors so being chatty with me really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. So anyway, he has joking asked me in the Monday class why I don't save him a sit in the other class. He has done that about 3 times. Yesterday he also walked from that class to my next class with me(his was in the same building) but all we talked about was our classes&professors. Last week I was walking right beside him and he didn't even acknowledge me.We never talk or sit by each other during either class. So should I approach or leave it be?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing that you say spells clear cut interest on his part. It's a start, and clearly better than nothing, but guys will do that sort of thing with tons of girls.
Besides the risk of rejection, actually being too forceful is not such a great idea, so I advise you to exercise some patience, yet not give up.
What you can do is slowly escalate things without being too obvious. Save him a seat in class. Seek his help with homework. Buy him a cup of coffee. Small stuff like that.
Message to Not Important
I got your message, read all of it, appreciate the credit you gave me, and I'm really happy about you feeling proud of yourself. You did it and it is you who deserves all the credit. Stay strong!
Maybe now you can stop calling yourself "Not Important." :)
Maybe now you can stop calling yourself "Not Important." :)
Confidential to prankster
Things must be a bit boring in the general area of Adelaide, Australia. Right, Larissa? Or should I call you Sarah? Or Kara? Or, Zara?
I could not control my feelings for him
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: Dee
Age: 40
Location: Georgia
Question: Hi, I dated this guy when I was in middle school, the guy was like my first boy friend and he was nice, he dated me despite the terrible reputation I had. However, he was two years older than me. He ended up marrying his girlfriend from high school. That was 87 or 88. They got a divorce six years later, I wanted to get back with him but it was never the right time.
This year in July, I finally found him again and we were suppose to be talking as friends, but in two or three weeks, I could not control my feelings for him, I have told him how much I have always cared about him and have just basically pushed my self on him.
We tried being intimate, but he could not get into me and now he won't return my calls or talk to me. I have no idea what to do, I believe I have pushed him away.
He has a friend that he is talking to in another state. He wants to be with me. At one point he told me that I had advanced my education beyond his and that I am just living a fantasy when it comes to my interest in him. That is not the case, I really do love him.
How do I regain his interest after I have pushed him away from being so obsessed or aggressive or weight looking unattractive.
VictorM's advice:
Before I answer you, you need to clarify a few things for me:
1. What was your reputation in high school?
2. What happened when he tried to be intimate with you?
3. What does this friend that he talks to have anything to do with this? Because if you're going by what this friend says, you shouldn't.
4. What was that last thing about "weight looking unattractive." Are you saying you're heavy?
By: Dee
Age: 40
Location: Georgia
Question: Hi, I dated this guy when I was in middle school, the guy was like my first boy friend and he was nice, he dated me despite the terrible reputation I had. However, he was two years older than me. He ended up marrying his girlfriend from high school. That was 87 or 88. They got a divorce six years later, I wanted to get back with him but it was never the right time.
This year in July, I finally found him again and we were suppose to be talking as friends, but in two or three weeks, I could not control my feelings for him, I have told him how much I have always cared about him and have just basically pushed my self on him.
We tried being intimate, but he could not get into me and now he won't return my calls or talk to me. I have no idea what to do, I believe I have pushed him away.
He has a friend that he is talking to in another state. He wants to be with me. At one point he told me that I had advanced my education beyond his and that I am just living a fantasy when it comes to my interest in him. That is not the case, I really do love him.
How do I regain his interest after I have pushed him away from being so obsessed or aggressive or weight looking unattractive.
VictorM's advice:
Before I answer you, you need to clarify a few things for me:
1. What was your reputation in high school?
2. What happened when he tried to be intimate with you?
3. What does this friend that he talks to have anything to do with this? Because if you're going by what this friend says, you shouldn't.
4. What was that last thing about "weight looking unattractive." Are you saying you're heavy?
He's sick
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: Alex
Question: Hey Vic. I've never been here before but some friends suggested this site..so here goes.
I've known Mike since we were juniors in high school, and at first we were great friends. Then he let it slip that he liked me. So I went out with him, thinking we would date and then go back to friends.
Little did I know that we'd fall in love.
We dated all thru high school and college and eventually got married recently. He's my whole world and I'm his, but I have a HUGE heartbreaking problem... He's sick. Not cold and flu sick, but bone cancer sick. It's hereditary, and his mother recently died from it.
What will I do if I lose him?!?!??!! I mean, he's being treated, but what if he doesn't survive?!?!? I can't live without him!!! What need answered is...how can I deal with this?? What should I do to get thru, and to help him thru this??
Thanks so much, in advance, for the help.
VictorM's advice:
Mark Twain said: "I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
One of the biggest fallacies in humans is to worry about things we have no control over. Can your husband die from cancer? Sure. But if you want to worry, how about this: he could die anytime from a car accident (40,000 people a year do, just in the USA alone), he could die due to medical malpractice (200,000 a year do), he could die from the regular flu (36,000 Americans do a year), he could die from so many other causes. To die, you merely need to be alive.
So, you can spend your energies worrying, without it resulting in any shield that protects him, or you can spend your energies making your lives together a joy, for however long it lasts. It's really your choice. And you can also consider that medical breakthroughs happen all the time and the type of help his mother received will not be as good as what your husband might find already today or in the future.
Heck, considering all the possible causes of death, you could die before he does. Do you really want to worry about that too?
Remember Mark Twain's words.
By: Alex
Question: Hey Vic. I've never been here before but some friends suggested this site..so here goes.
I've known Mike since we were juniors in high school, and at first we were great friends. Then he let it slip that he liked me. So I went out with him, thinking we would date and then go back to friends.
Little did I know that we'd fall in love.
We dated all thru high school and college and eventually got married recently. He's my whole world and I'm his, but I have a HUGE heartbreaking problem... He's sick. Not cold and flu sick, but bone cancer sick. It's hereditary, and his mother recently died from it.
What will I do if I lose him?!?!??!! I mean, he's being treated, but what if he doesn't survive?!?!? I can't live without him!!! What need answered is...how can I deal with this?? What should I do to get thru, and to help him thru this??
Thanks so much, in advance, for the help.
VictorM's advice:
Mark Twain said: "I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
One of the biggest fallacies in humans is to worry about things we have no control over. Can your husband die from cancer? Sure. But if you want to worry, how about this: he could die anytime from a car accident (40,000 people a year do, just in the USA alone), he could die due to medical malpractice (200,000 a year do), he could die from the regular flu (36,000 Americans do a year), he could die from so many other causes. To die, you merely need to be alive.
So, you can spend your energies worrying, without it resulting in any shield that protects him, or you can spend your energies making your lives together a joy, for however long it lasts. It's really your choice. And you can also consider that medical breakthroughs happen all the time and the type of help his mother received will not be as good as what your husband might find already today or in the future.
Heck, considering all the possible causes of death, you could die before he does. Do you really want to worry about that too?
Remember Mark Twain's words.
He watches transgender/transsexual porn
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: Ann
Age: 19
Location: California
Question: I just found out that my lover (we're not exclusive) watches transgender/transsexual porn. I have no problem with it, and I find it exciting that he likes something different. But I was also wondering if this was unusual or not, if there's anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable about it, or any other helpful tips. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Funny, I was just reading an article about the growing popularity of that fetish. So no, it's not unusual these days. The article (no online link that I know of) didn't quite say why it was popular, just that it's growing in popularity. It included pictures of beautiful girls and for the reader to decide which ones were real females and which ones weren't. (For the record, I guessed wrong on most of them -- I was surprised at how beautiful some of these "girls" are).
Anyway, I guess some guys are turned on by seeing a beautiful girl remove her panties and be hung like a horse. :-p
Guys tend to be attracted to "different." I see no reason to worry about it. Chances are that it's a fad. At some point he'll find something else to enjoy. Meanwhile, I would just say ignore it, or if you make some comments about it, say that it's "hot" or "exciting"... something like it. But the best thing is to accept that it's his thing, so let him enjoy it without butting in too much, unless he brings it up himself.
By: Ann
Age: 19
Location: California
Question: I just found out that my lover (we're not exclusive) watches transgender/transsexual porn. I have no problem with it, and I find it exciting that he likes something different. But I was also wondering if this was unusual or not, if there's anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable about it, or any other helpful tips. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Funny, I was just reading an article about the growing popularity of that fetish. So no, it's not unusual these days. The article (no online link that I know of) didn't quite say why it was popular, just that it's growing in popularity. It included pictures of beautiful girls and for the reader to decide which ones were real females and which ones weren't. (For the record, I guessed wrong on most of them -- I was surprised at how beautiful some of these "girls" are).
Anyway, I guess some guys are turned on by seeing a beautiful girl remove her panties and be hung like a horse. :-p
Guys tend to be attracted to "different." I see no reason to worry about it. Chances are that it's a fad. At some point he'll find something else to enjoy. Meanwhile, I would just say ignore it, or if you make some comments about it, say that it's "hot" or "exciting"... something like it. But the best thing is to accept that it's his thing, so let him enjoy it without butting in too much, unless he brings it up himself.
Confidential to Michelle, in DC
Sounds like he's trying to find round-about ways to get back to talking to you again. What for? I'm guessing the prospect of another "incident" might be motivation enough.
As for his text message... well, it's thoughtful and considerate. Could there be other, more self-serving reasons for sending it? Sure, but why be cynical? I would take it at face value that it was a nice gesture and leave it at that.
As for his text message... well, it's thoughtful and considerate. Could there be other, more self-serving reasons for sending it? Sure, but why be cynical? I would take it at face value that it was a nice gesture and leave it at that.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
He was basically looking for a bootycall
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: Boston
Age: 30
Location: Hollywood
Question: I met a guy online. I was recently out of a relationship and was basically looking for a bootycall.
When we get together it's always supposed to be a short encounter but it ends up being an 11 hour or 14 hour sex, talk, cuddling get to know each other session.
We are actually really starting to connect and IM and text consistently...
Is there anyway a relationship can grow from sex only into something more...?
I am the one that initially put up all the boundaries how can I now let him know I'm open for something deeper?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, something could come out of this. Being compatible sexually is not a bad beginning.
If you could tell him about boundaries to start with, you can tell him that they have shifted. Will he still be interested? There's only one way to find out...
By: Boston
Age: 30
Location: Hollywood
Question: I met a guy online. I was recently out of a relationship and was basically looking for a bootycall.
When we get together it's always supposed to be a short encounter but it ends up being an 11 hour or 14 hour sex, talk, cuddling get to know each other session.
We are actually really starting to connect and IM and text consistently...
Is there anyway a relationship can grow from sex only into something more...?
I am the one that initially put up all the boundaries how can I now let him know I'm open for something deeper?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, something could come out of this. Being compatible sexually is not a bad beginning.
If you could tell him about boundaries to start with, you can tell him that they have shifted. Will he still be interested? There's only one way to find out...
He won't get serious about his own future
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: Jessi
Age: 19
Location: North Carolina
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and we are planning a future together. We have a great relationship and we get along good. The only problem that really bothers me about getting really serious and possibly marrying him is that he won't get serious about his own future. He recently quit his job and isn't very serious about finding another one. He gets upset when I ask him how is job hunt is doing and tells me that if he finds a job he will let me know. He also has NO CLUE what he wants to do with the rest of his life and he wont get serious about deciding. I have my life planned out and know what career path I want to take, but he acts like he's just going to float on and hope to get lucky and find a decent job. I want to have a family and I can't rely on someone like that to provide for my children. I really love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. From a guys point of view, how do I approach him about getting serious about the rest of his life?
VictorM's advice:
It's not at all unusual for a guy to get discouraged about his job projects. There is a severe economic crisis out there and a high unemployment rate. Things are rough. And you nagging about it isn't going to help.
Your best bet is to step back and watch him do his thing. Most of us, at one point or another, go through a slump. Give him time to work himself out of it, if that's all it is.
Don't plan anything serious about your future unless and until he shows some aggressiveness about a job, and keep an eye on how motivated he is. Then, decide accordingly.
But let me be clear: if you think you're going to motivate him, with words or otherwise, you're mistaken. If within some time he's not motivated enough on his own now, he's always going to be a potential ball and chain around your ankle.
By: Jessi
Age: 19
Location: North Carolina
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and we are planning a future together. We have a great relationship and we get along good. The only problem that really bothers me about getting really serious and possibly marrying him is that he won't get serious about his own future. He recently quit his job and isn't very serious about finding another one. He gets upset when I ask him how is job hunt is doing and tells me that if he finds a job he will let me know. He also has NO CLUE what he wants to do with the rest of his life and he wont get serious about deciding. I have my life planned out and know what career path I want to take, but he acts like he's just going to float on and hope to get lucky and find a decent job. I want to have a family and I can't rely on someone like that to provide for my children. I really love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. From a guys point of view, how do I approach him about getting serious about the rest of his life?
VictorM's advice:
It's not at all unusual for a guy to get discouraged about his job projects. There is a severe economic crisis out there and a high unemployment rate. Things are rough. And you nagging about it isn't going to help.
Your best bet is to step back and watch him do his thing. Most of us, at one point or another, go through a slump. Give him time to work himself out of it, if that's all it is.
Don't plan anything serious about your future unless and until he shows some aggressiveness about a job, and keep an eye on how motivated he is. Then, decide accordingly.
But let me be clear: if you think you're going to motivate him, with words or otherwise, you're mistaken. If within some time he's not motivated enough on his own now, he's always going to be a potential ball and chain around your ankle.
I've met a 24 yr old barman
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: MARIA
Age: 28
Location: Greece
Question: I've met a 24 yr old barman that I quite like and I can tell he likes me too. The first time I met him i could tell he enjoyed the attention I was giving him. Although he probably get it all the time, I think there was a connection there, I can just tell, or maybe he's just extra smooth.. before me and my friend left, she was scrutinizing the bill and since he had given us a couple of free drinks i could see a bit of confusion in his face. i left without saying goodbye because he was too busy. I went again the following week and went up to the bar, alone to order a drink from him and he gave me the biggest smile and asked me to bend over so he can kiss me on both cheeks, very close to the lips :) he gave me the drink on the house and he told me that the bar would be less busy towards the end of the night, but i didnt get a chance to sit there, a big group of his friends were there and i had to go anyway... i went to say goodbye and thank him for the drink and he touched my hand... all very good signs i think. but now i dont want to start stalking him at work, sitting on his bar and waiting for something if anything to happen. what should my next move be?
VictorM's advice:
Give him your phone.
If you don't want to be that direct, you can say something like: "I never know when this place is too busy. Would you mind if we traded phone numbers so I can call you and know how busy things are?" He gives you his number and you give him yours.
Either way you go, if he doesn't call you sometime soon after, you're imagining that he likes you beyond some superficial attention.
By: MARIA
Age: 28
Location: Greece
Question: I've met a 24 yr old barman that I quite like and I can tell he likes me too. The first time I met him i could tell he enjoyed the attention I was giving him. Although he probably get it all the time, I think there was a connection there, I can just tell, or maybe he's just extra smooth.. before me and my friend left, she was scrutinizing the bill and since he had given us a couple of free drinks i could see a bit of confusion in his face. i left without saying goodbye because he was too busy. I went again the following week and went up to the bar, alone to order a drink from him and he gave me the biggest smile and asked me to bend over so he can kiss me on both cheeks, very close to the lips :) he gave me the drink on the house and he told me that the bar would be less busy towards the end of the night, but i didnt get a chance to sit there, a big group of his friends were there and i had to go anyway... i went to say goodbye and thank him for the drink and he touched my hand... all very good signs i think. but now i dont want to start stalking him at work, sitting on his bar and waiting for something if anything to happen. what should my next move be?
VictorM's advice:
Give him your phone.
If you don't want to be that direct, you can say something like: "I never know when this place is too busy. Would you mind if we traded phone numbers so I can call you and know how busy things are?" He gives you his number and you give him yours.
Either way you go, if he doesn't call you sometime soon after, you're imagining that he likes you beyond some superficial attention.
He has myspace and facebook accounts he hides from me
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: sammi
Age: 26
Location: NC
Question: I was in bed last night and after my hub got out of shower, he thought i was asleep and got on the pc. I watched and found out he has myspace and facebook accounts he hides from me. He has one on each i know about, but i didn't know about these. He has no pic up and no friends on his lists but he gets messages on both. When i mentioned hiding things, he asked what i was talking about. Seems to me its he doesn't want to cop to something i don't know about so he wont say anything about any of it. Its not like i would have went crazy if it was porn but WHAT IS THAT? Why hide the accounts? Why need separate accounts and only use them when you think i'm asleep but act like i'm the stupid one. i told him i wasn't sleeping and its not right to hide things, that that leads to other things and he just tried to hold me, and keeps asking what's wrong and to please love him. i'm lost on this one.
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea why he has those secret accounts, and I have no idea if he's done anything wrong with them, but it doesn't take a genius to understand that nothing good is going to come from such activity. Whether it's just a fantasy or actual plans, he's up to no good. That much is safe to assume.
By: sammi
Age: 26
Location: NC
Question: I was in bed last night and after my hub got out of shower, he thought i was asleep and got on the pc. I watched and found out he has myspace and facebook accounts he hides from me. He has one on each i know about, but i didn't know about these. He has no pic up and no friends on his lists but he gets messages on both. When i mentioned hiding things, he asked what i was talking about. Seems to me its he doesn't want to cop to something i don't know about so he wont say anything about any of it. Its not like i would have went crazy if it was porn but WHAT IS THAT? Why hide the accounts? Why need separate accounts and only use them when you think i'm asleep but act like i'm the stupid one. i told him i wasn't sleeping and its not right to hide things, that that leads to other things and he just tried to hold me, and keeps asking what's wrong and to please love him. i'm lost on this one.
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea why he has those secret accounts, and I have no idea if he's done anything wrong with them, but it doesn't take a genius to understand that nothing good is going to come from such activity. Whether it's just a fantasy or actual plans, he's up to no good. That much is safe to assume.
I got angry too much
Submitted on Monday, August 31, 2009
By: Moon
Age: 27
Location: VN
Question: I have met him for nearly 3 years. We are just waiting for marriage even though not yet arranged anything. We are different in nationalities and he comes to my country for working. Both my family and his have met us.
Usually we meet each other at weekend cause he is too busy for his work. One week before I got mad, he went out with friends,drank and didnt pick up my dozen of phone calls (I usually call him after his working time, just to know how is he, work, etc.) and that made me worry alot. The next day he even didnt say sorry to me. But things went smoothly, I forget about it. The next week, he went to wedding, drank and on Sunday, I called, he said he is suffering from too much head ached, so I just asked him to rest even though I want to see him (cant visit him at his rented house due to the owners' rule). I waited until night and call to make sure he is ok. But when he picked up, noised came and I heard he said I am with friends!
Can I get angry?
I got angry too much. I feel he doesn't respect me and our relationship so I texted that we should not see each other. The next day he sent offline msg, said he loves me! Next week, he didnt appear. Again I texted angry words, but not insulted ones.
Weeks passed! I miss him. I sent email and said sorry for my hot temper. He replied that he never forget me, just angry at my behavior, and want to see me. I was happy, called him immediately, but again..... no pick up.
I got angry, sent email again said that I did witness he hang up on his ex in front of me. And I don't want he applies that way on me. He replied sorry. Said really want to see me but don't know how to see me!
It's been 3 months now we haven't met. I really miss him. Last week just texted to him ask him to careful for the raining season. He sent nice reply 'yes madam, you take care to, use the one I bought for you to put on your nose'. This week, I texted, want to have serious talk. But no reply!
Really I am depress. I don't know what kind of man I love! Is it I am wrong?
I don't know where the way I can out of this situation.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Moon, you do get angry a lot. How much fun do you think it is to want to talk to you after your angry outbursts? Not very much.
But I'm a bit lost... you said you haven't seen him in three months, and that before that you usually saw each other on weekends. Why is that? Does he travel in and out of your city for work? If he's in your city, is he so busy that he can't see you more often? And if so, when did this start?
Can you write back and give me some more details about his living arrangement and if he travels?
More importantly, I'm curious if his recent actions that have gotten you angry are new or if he has always done things like this.
By: Moon
Age: 27
Location: VN
Question: I have met him for nearly 3 years. We are just waiting for marriage even though not yet arranged anything. We are different in nationalities and he comes to my country for working. Both my family and his have met us.
Usually we meet each other at weekend cause he is too busy for his work. One week before I got mad, he went out with friends,drank and didnt pick up my dozen of phone calls (I usually call him after his working time, just to know how is he, work, etc.) and that made me worry alot. The next day he even didnt say sorry to me. But things went smoothly, I forget about it. The next week, he went to wedding, drank and on Sunday, I called, he said he is suffering from too much head ached, so I just asked him to rest even though I want to see him (cant visit him at his rented house due to the owners' rule). I waited until night and call to make sure he is ok. But when he picked up, noised came and I heard he said I am with friends!
Can I get angry?
I got angry too much. I feel he doesn't respect me and our relationship so I texted that we should not see each other. The next day he sent offline msg, said he loves me! Next week, he didnt appear. Again I texted angry words, but not insulted ones.
Weeks passed! I miss him. I sent email and said sorry for my hot temper. He replied that he never forget me, just angry at my behavior, and want to see me. I was happy, called him immediately, but again..... no pick up.
I got angry, sent email again said that I did witness he hang up on his ex in front of me. And I don't want he applies that way on me. He replied sorry. Said really want to see me but don't know how to see me!
It's been 3 months now we haven't met. I really miss him. Last week just texted to him ask him to careful for the raining season. He sent nice reply 'yes madam, you take care to, use the one I bought for you to put on your nose'. This week, I texted, want to have serious talk. But no reply!
Really I am depress. I don't know what kind of man I love! Is it I am wrong?
I don't know where the way I can out of this situation.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Moon, you do get angry a lot. How much fun do you think it is to want to talk to you after your angry outbursts? Not very much.
But I'm a bit lost... you said you haven't seen him in three months, and that before that you usually saw each other on weekends. Why is that? Does he travel in and out of your city for work? If he's in your city, is he so busy that he can't see you more often? And if so, when did this start?
Can you write back and give me some more details about his living arrangement and if he travels?
More importantly, I'm curious if his recent actions that have gotten you angry are new or if he has always done things like this.
I do love you
Submitted on Sunday, August 30, 2009
By: rebecca
Age: 23
Location: utah
Question: Here is a real dumb girl question. Is there a different meaning for a guy between these 2 statements: " I love you" and " I do love you"?
Some of my friend say yeah some say no... I really need to know.
Thanks Victor, your the best. Love reading your stuff.
VictorM's advice:
If one guy comes up to you and says "I want to fuck you" or if he says "I do want to to fuck you," which one statement is more likely to get you in bed with him? Probably neither, right? That's because words aren't enough.
So, forget the words -- guys use them far too often to get what they want, not to say what they feel -- and focus on his actions. Do you feel loved, respected, happy, sexy, smart, wanted... around him? If you do, that's all that matters.
Oh, and I thank you for your compliment. Er... I mean, I do thank you for your compliment. :)
By: rebecca
Age: 23
Location: utah
Question: Here is a real dumb girl question. Is there a different meaning for a guy between these 2 statements: " I love you" and " I do love you"?
Some of my friend say yeah some say no... I really need to know.
Thanks Victor, your the best. Love reading your stuff.
VictorM's advice:
If one guy comes up to you and says "I want to fuck you" or if he says "I do want to to fuck you," which one statement is more likely to get you in bed with him? Probably neither, right? That's because words aren't enough.
So, forget the words -- guys use them far too often to get what they want, not to say what they feel -- and focus on his actions. Do you feel loved, respected, happy, sexy, smart, wanted... around him? If you do, that's all that matters.
Oh, and I thank you for your compliment. Er... I mean, I do thank you for your compliment. :)
