Submitted on Sunday, August 30, 2009
By: Trish
Age: 43
Location: Toronto
Question: Okay so I was seeing this guy for about a month. He pursued hot and heavy. Everything was going along fine until an ex hacked into my email and internet accounts. I had to fess up to the new guy about this "other" guy. It seemed to really freak him out. Said he needed to retreat. I was fine with it, although I quite like the new guy. I explained about the other guy to new guy but no dice, still wanted to just be friends. Said he was coming off two brutal past relationships.

Since then I have received an email from him every day. Is he serious about being friends or do we still have a shot?

VictorM's advice:

I say you still have a shot. And here's why: guys have no need for female friendships. He's keeping contact with you because he hasn't totally ruled you out. If and when he does, he will cease with the emails.

So, I predict that within some time, either he'll come around again with romantic interest or he will disappear.

Sounds to me like he's willing to help, as per your mom's request, but he has a girlfriend and is not going to engage you, in text or otherwise, too much. Sounds like he is aware, by his "extenuating circumstances" comment, that too much contact with you is not a good idea.

Submitted on Sunday, August 30, 2009
By: Ann
Age: 45
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: What is in his mind?
Hi Victor, I would like your opinion on this. In July I met a guy on the internet, we liked each other right away and started dating. He lives an hour away and is three years older than I am. After 2 or 3 weeks of dating (after we slept together), he asked me on facebook to confirm that I was his girlfriend.

We were having a great time. Both of us are divorced and have met a lot of people since being divorced, but a lot of them never worked out. He said that he just about gave up on dating before he met me; he was in love with a woman and she was his best friend but didn't feel the same way.

He felt that he was being constantly rejected - some of the women were together with him but broke it off after a few weeks. I have dated, but even though some of these people didn't work out, I don't have the same feeling of rejection that he does. I also am a normal weight for my size, whereas he isn't; but he also must feel rejected because before he was married, when he was young and a normal weight, he was a major player! He tells me all the time of all the women that he dated, picked up, and slept with - it's really incredible! He also dated more than one woman at the same time. He says that now, with all that is going on in his life, he can only handle one woman - me (Why he tells me all this, I don't know? Insecurity?)

Where am I going with this? Well, despite taking me on two trips in eight weeks, I wonder about how he feels about me. Remember, we have only dated for eight weeks, but at least three times he has said to me, "you could have a boyfriend where you live (an hour away) for the week, and just see me on weekends, you don't have to see me on Mondays (I now see him Mondays and every other weekend, because I have a young child that I take care of). I would understand that your career comes first, then your child, then me. I just worry about venereal diseases." Now, he has teased me about this at least twice. My friends wonder, he seems to really like me - is he just insecure? I said to him - bluntly "are you kidding? Are you trying to get rid of me (seeing him on Mondays?" He said back, "are you goofy?" He didn't elaborate further.

But it bothered me because I like seeing him on Mondays, I look forward to it. So the next day, I said to him, "why did you say that? Do you mean that you just want to have sex every once in a while, like every other weekend, rather than an exclusive relationship?" Now, I know that was kind of harsh, I shouldn't have said it (because it's too early to confirm that we are in that kind of relationship). He said, "why would you think that I wouldn't want a relationship? Before you, I had a relationship for 4 years." (However, she broke off several times, she cheated on him, she was crazy, etc). That was the end of it. He asked me to stay over to his house that night, but I didn't.

So he has e-mailed me every day since then, and I apologized to him but said to please stop teasing me about dating other people - I take it personally. He apologized via e-mail for hurting my feelings. Then we started talking again as if nothing happened. He asked, did I want to go meet him on Monday for a date? I said sure (I wonder if he felt obligated after how I reacted). He posted a picture of me on facebook from our trip on his wall and said, "this is my friend Ann, from our vacation at the National Forest." Should I be concerned about what I said, or am I just overreacting?

VictorM's advice:

Interesting that you frame your question as "Should I be concerned about what I said," instead of "Should I be concerned about what he said." I mean, he's the one bringing up you having sex with other men, and even after he was the one to ask you to be his girlfriend, you somehow translate this issue as if it might be you that is wrong to expect an exclusive relationship, complete with apologies to him. Remarkable. Women's ability to beat up on themselves is truly amazing.

He's insecure, and that's what this is all about. That is obvious by his need to tell you about his conquests when he was younger, and it is obvious by his question about you meeting other men. He really wasn't asking why you don't do it because he wants you to; he asks because he's insecure and he wants to hear you say that he is the only man that sets you on fire sexually.

As a woman, you think everything a guy says or does is about you (women are super selfish in that way) when in fact, as a guy, most of what he says or does is about his ego (men are super selfish in that way).

Submitted on Sunday, August 30, 2009
Age: 17
Location: England
Question: I recently met a guy and told him i just wanted to be friends, after excessive flirting and time together. He then went away and came back with a girlfriend, which i found out over his facebook status and profile pictures. After seeing him again he said nothing has changed about the way he feels about me, wants to be with me, but is still with his girlfriend. I don't understand what he wants from me, if he has real feelings for me and my behaviour around him is unacceptable to say he is in a relationship, does this make me the 'other woman' and should a forget about him?

VictorM's advice:

You said you just wanted to be friends, but now you question his interest in just being friends? I don't get it. You're not "the other woman" unless something besides friendship is involved.

Submitted on Saturday, August 29, 2009
By: me
Age: 17
Location: Texas
Question: I just got back from my boyfriends house. he knows i won't have sex with him. We fool around though. I thought we were just fooling around and then i realized he was having sex with me and i stopped him and he put his penis in his boxers real quick and acted like he was fingering me. He acted like nothing wrong happened. But it hurt a little. And i started bleeding and i know for a fact it's not my time of the month yet. I am so shocked. I didn't say no or stop because i didn't know he was doing that to me. i thought he was just fingering me even though it hurt. when we realized i was bleeding we stopped. i haven't confronted him. I'm just so shocked. I don't know. I just can't believe i'm not a virgin anymore. What do I do? Was it rape?

VictorM's advice:

Female readers, I'm going to need your help here. This whole thing about not knowing the difference between a finger and a penis is out of my range. Thoughts? Help me! (You know the routine, use the VISITOR COMMENTS section below).

Was it rape? The legal definition is complex. You need to check with a lawyer. Don't go by a lay person's thinking on this; the law is not a matter of anyone's personal opinion, and the legal interpretation varies.

What do you do? Get tested for STDs and pregnancy (yes, even if he didn't ejaculate, you're not off the hook). And come back and check the VISITOR COMMENTS section from time to time to see what other females think of all of this.

Submitted on Saturday, August 29, 2009
By: ellie
Question: hi victor,
thanks for your answer to my question. i was also thinking about the two versions of the question, and i wanted to tell you some new things that happened. now i am thinking its a third version entirely. anyway, after i spent the night at his place twice last weekend, he texted on monday saying it was nice to see me, blah blah. i replied. then tuesday we didnt talk. wednesday he texted me saying, hey have you already forgotten about me? i thought he was joking so i wrote something back saying no of course not. (this is going to be part of the story later, which is why i am mentioning it).

thursday he asked me to go out so we met up. we went out with his friend to a club, and we were standing together and he suddenly said to me, what if i talk to another girl or dance with a girl? and i said, well of course you can, i'm not your boss, and he asked me a couple more times so i said go ahead, be my guest. he said ok and just walked away, i guess he got mad. well, while he was gone, some guy started talking to me and asked me to dance. i said, lets go outside to smoke, so i took the new guy outside and was smoking with him. outside, i see him sitting and talking to some girl. of course i knew he was doing it to piss me off. anyway he left her after a while and i left the guy i was with and came up to him and we got in a big fight. victor, i am not a jealous person AT ALL and i never fight with anyone, even family. its not my style. i also don't play these kinds of stupid games. i don't know what came over me.

anyway, we were fighting for like an hour. i kept trying to end it but he kept fighting. basically, he told me he was pissed that i said he could talk to other girls because he felt like i am cold and don't care about him. he also complained that he always texts me first, and he said that he was really upset that i did not text him on tuesday, and that's why he wrote me a message wednesday asking if i forgot him. he said he feels like i don't care about him and that i have fifty other guys i would rather talk to. he kept saying to me, i'm not an american guy don't play these games with me. i told am not the kind of person who plays games and that he started them, and that i wasn't texting him first because i don't want to bother him at work (he works 14 hour days most of the time). anyway we made up after a while, and i promised i would text him sometimes if he wanted it. we went back to his apartment and i thought he was ok, but then he started acting mad again. anyway, after a while we made up and he asked me to stay over. i still did not have sex with him. anyway the next morning i left, and i tried to keep my promise. i texted him in the morning saying i had a really nice time, etc and he wrote me back and i told him i couldt wait to see him (something i have never written to a guy). then later that night i texted him first again when i knew he was done with work (after midnight) and he said he was really tired and going to bed. he said i could come stay over if i wanted but i said i was too tired and i told him we could go out the next day (saturday). he said ok. so i texted him first twice on friday, something i have never done before with any guys, but he asked for it so there you go. i even said i miss you, which i never usually would say.

then on saturday he texted me in the evening saying we can go out tonight to some party of a friend of his. i said ok so i started getting ready. 20 minutes later he texted me saying he had started drinking and that he threw up and felt really sick and he didnt want to go out. he said that he was really sorry but he felt too bad and he wrote, "i like you, dont be mad!" which i thought was strange. i told him i hoped he felt better and he said, thanks, i will let you know if i can go out later tonight. then i didnt hear from him for the rest of the night.

so now i dont know what to think. do you think he was making an excuse to get out of seeing me? i dont understand why because he is the one who texted me first on saturday asking if i wanted to go out, and invited me. do you think i overdid it by texting him twice on friday? i only did it because he asked me to make him feel like i care about him. i mean maybe it was an excuse not to see me, but its so weird. he could have just not invited me on saturday, or said he was too tired to go out or something.

i was thinking of sending him a text tomorrow asking if he feels better but i don't know what to do. i have never had such a dramatic relationship even with anyone, friends, family, nothing. and i never had anyone tell me to text them more or that they feel like i don't like them, but i know a lot of guys i hang out with complain that i am too cold. what do you think of this situation?

VictorM's advice:

I'm curious, when he asked "what if i talk to another girl or dance with a girl?" how did you really feel about it? Because I really can't believe it made no difference to you.

How old is this guy, 12? What an insecure little jerk. And this "I'm not American" bullshit, what does that have to do with anything when he's the one playing the games himself?

And what is this about you going out with him and a friend? You've mentioned this before at other times. Sounds odd to me, like you can't go out alone, as a couple.

Anyway, to summarize my views:

1. I've mentioned to you how key it is for a guy to feel good about himself when he's around you. Your "do whatever you want" attitude isn't going to get that done.

2. I have also questioned before the type of guys you keep going out with, and every indication so far points to you tolerating seriously flawed characters. This guy is no exception. Drinking till he vomits before you even get there? Whether it's true or just an excuse, what difference does it make? Either option sucks.

3. The texting thing has nothing to do with anything.

Look Ellie, he's not the problem here. The problem is your belief that you can't do better when it comes to guys. Of course I believe you're wrong, but I don't know what it will take for you to believe me.

Submitted on Saturday, August 29, 2009
By: Abby
Age: 25
Location: Delaware
Question: Okay, I have been with my boyfriend over 3 years now and we had a misunderstanding, not even a whole blown out fight last Monday. Since then he has sent me about 4 one line emails telling me nothing and won't even call me. What's his deal? I am sitting here in tears for days and he is acting like he doesn't give a fuck about us. I can't help but keep asking myself what the deal would be if we were living together or married.

VictorM's advice:

Have you ever seen a little 5 year old boy get mad? How he turns around to avoid looking at you when you're trying to talk to him, and he lowers his head and pouts? Well, your boyfriend may have an adult outer shell, but on the inside, he's that brooding 5 year old right now.

Of course he cares and gives a fuck, which is why he's acting the way he is. If he didn't care he wouldn't turn into a 5 year old. Let's face it, you're acting like a 5 year old girl yourself, crying for days over something silly. You're both two immature twits who care, behaving like your world is about to end, over some stupid thing. He gives you a cold shoulder, you cry your eyes out -- really, not much of a difference.

You have every right to worry about what your fights will be like once you're married and living together. But his behavior is not the only one in question.

In any case, learn to accept that him turning into a 5 year old boy for hours or even days is how your guy shows you that he cares. Guys need to brood on their own, take time for themselves, and then they will get over it, coming back as if nothing happened. What do you do meanwhile? Realize that he's acting that way only because he really cares. So stop the damn crying. Instead, while he's away visiting his spoiled inner child and feeling miserable, take the opportunity to do things you usually put off because he's around -- read that silly romance novel you've been meaning to, go shopping for shoes, gossip endlessly with your female friends, and go buy some sexy underwear for the make up sex day. Hell, just the makeup sex alone make most fights worth fighting.

Submitted on Saturday, August 29, 2009
By: Brittnay
Age: 24
Location: CO
Question: Last year, I moved across the country. I moved in with a girl I've known for a long time--and met one of her male friends who is also from our home town. At the time, he was going through a break up and I wasn't really interested in him. We became friends. Months later, with alcohol involved, we ended up kissing. He pursued me, but I didn't take it seriously.

I finally came around and really started liking him. We've been casually seeing each other and hanging out for months now. We hang out together, our friends know we're together--but it's not quite serious enough for me. He does his thing for the most part and so do I.

He has been in three, consecutive, long term relationships (1.5 years + each!)...and says he's not ready for the whole "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing again. Just about every weekend, when I go out, I start drinking, boys start hitting on me and asking me out. I don't know how to react. I get very upset because I don't know if I should be loyal to what we have or not.

I like him very much and I feel like he likes me. Should I be patient? Or should I take the "he's just not that into me" approach and move the hell on?

VictorM's advice:

If he's not ready for the boyfriend-girlfriend thing and you continue to see him, and kissing him, and who knows what else, you give him every incentive not to want to change that arrangement. You are enabling his noncommittal attitude. If he's just your friend, you should act with him like he's just a friend.

But after months of hanging out, if he's still in this mode, the odds are that he's not into you as much as you'd like. I always say: when a guy tells you he's not ready a relationship, what he means is he's not ready for a relationship WITH YOU.

Tell him you have been thinking about your situation, and since currently you really are just friends with benefits, you are increasingly uncomfortable with it. Without a boyfriend-girlfriend arrangement, you want to step back to pure friendship.

If he accepts your proposal for just friendship, consider your chances for romance practically non-existent. In this case, start dating other guys.

If you don't want to approach him because you're afraid of losing what you have now, well... you're just delaying the inevitable and wasting time in the process.

Submitted on Saturday, August 29, 2009
By: Grace
Age: 47
Location: California
Question: Been seeing a guy for 6 months. He lives in CO I live in CA. He flies corporate aircraft so he is out here in CA now and then. We have talked about me moving to CO and I want too, but I am confused. I know how busy he is, with two boys, a ranch, etc.. He calls me and texts more. I hear from him, more than not, but not a lot during each day, but at least once a day....I'm crazy about him. I want him to be more assertive with me. I know what I should do, but don't want to play games...if I pull away a bit, like not answer his phone calls which I don't always or his text messages.....I know people want what they can't have....what should I do? I love him, I know this in my heart. I want to move not just for him, but because I am very unhappy here in CA. Need a new groove, new life.....it's slipping by.

VictorM's advice:

It's one thing to train someone to call more often, to eat with his mouth closed, or to pick up after himself, but what you are asking for is a change in basic personality. It's like asking for someone to be funnier, or smarter -- it's not likely that the person can pull it off just because you ask.

Still, I'd like to know what you want him to be more assertive about? Can you give me one example or two?

Submitted on Saturday, August 29, 2009
By: Tanya
Age: 31
Location: Austin
Question: I am getting the biggest mixed messages. The man I was dating for 2 years broke up with me a month ago. I was upset. But I picked myself up and decided ok I can move on. Well, he keeps sending me mixed messages. Very hot and cold. I will get text out of the blue telling me something funny and I might get an "I love you." "I Miss you." Then one day I asked: are you still in love with me I got "yes but not as much as I was" WTF? One day he sent me a pic to my email of him wearing a necklace I bought him subject said: This is the perfect gift. He sent it at midnight. Again WTF? He will tell me not to close the door on us. So I asked last night: do you think there is hope for us? And he comes back with: "There is always hope. I just don't want to be with anyone right now. Just right now Tanya. I need to make myself right."

He is driving me crazy. Every time I start to move on a bit this stuff happen. I know I'm stupid but I am still in love the with the fool. I hate these mind games. Is there a chance here or just a form of "I don't want you but I don't want anyone to have you either" so I give you false hope. Yes I am being a dumb girl.

VictorM's advice:

There are no mixed signals. What's happening is part of the very typical steps that people take as they drift away from someone they were with for a long time.

Breaking up is a process. Some people can do it cold-turkey. That is, they can breakup and never have contact with their ex. But most people, even as they fall out of love with someone, are still "addicted," at least for a while, to the other person's voice, touch, smell, etc. and are also facing a change in routine, which takes time to adjust. During this period of time, they contact the ex, much like someone who is trying to quit smoking sneaks a cigarette here and there. That contact is really only a form of weakness, not desire to return.

Make no mistake about it: his infrequent contact will get more infrequent and at some point, cease. Getting your hopes high every time he contacts you, or thinking of each contact as a signal that he still wants to be with you, is only a way of fooling yourself.

Submitted on Saturday, August 29, 2009
By: Geri
Age: 29
Location: danville
Question: Hi I have an issue I hadn't seen on here so here I go. My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. I just found out I'm preggers. I know I need to tell him, he is currently finishing up a paramedic program that will be finished in October. Do I wait until that is over? Tell him now? How do I tell him? We are on friendly terms. He knows I'm not seeing anyone else so him doubting the baby is his isn't even an issue. ugh!!!! Please help!!! I have not asked my friends because I don't want to risk them telling him.

VictorM's advice:

Tell him right now. At this very moment, if you can. The sooner he knows the better. It doesn't matter what else is going on in his life. Waiting for another day is a waste of time. He is the father. He needs to know ASAP.

How do you tell him? How about: "I have important news. I'm pregnant and you're the father."

Submitted on Friday, August 28, 2009
By: natasha
Age: 29
Location: pennsylvania
Question: Hi there..so this probably sounds so stupid but I'm kind of confused. I went to my friends beach house and met one of her roomies. We hung out the first night and danced and flirted and then went back to the house and talked outside for over an hour about our life and what we did and that kind of getting to know a person stuff. No kissing just went to bed and said goodnight and slept in two different rooms. Saw him the next day but didn't get too hang out to much b/c it was a huge party so I finally spotted him later in the day and he bought me a drink and left the people he was with to hang with me and we dance a lot. Then he kissed me and we made out a bit off and on and still danced. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. I told him he was a great kisser and he said the same and we both agreed that we so do not make out with people in bars...just not my thing. I then had to go so he walked me back to the house holding my hand and pulled me in to him in the middle of the street and gave me one of the best kisses I have ever had. Like grab your hair and pull your face into his just "amazingness" and then said I'm sorry I just had to do that. So he waited till my ride came and then walked me out the door and kissed me again and said goodnight.

I was super worried to tears it was just a shore thing and he would never call but he did on Wednesday. I am amazed I have feelings for this guy and want to see him so bad! It's crazy, this doesn't happen to me especially someone I made out with in a crowded bar(We kissed Sunday) I missed his call and left him a message and he then called me back Thursday night. We talked for like 25min and at the end he said we should def try and get together next week and I said absolutely sounds good and let me know when your free. So we said bye and I sent him a text a little later saying it was so nice to talk to you and have a good night and he did write back hey you to babe with a smiley. So what do I do know? Do you think he is actually interested in possibly dating me or just getting me into bed. I like him and I don't want to like him if he's just looking for some ass. My friend who stays in his house said he is super nice and she never sees him bring girls home and just a relay genuine guy. I like this boy and I guess just want him to like me too in a for real way not a shore thing. Also, do I wait for him to call or can I send him a cute text or no..just wait?
Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

"Sorry, I just had to do that." Really works. Doesn't it? :) Despite claiming otherwise, girls are such suckers for those types of lines. Also, I have to give him kudos for the hair grabbing thing... very smooth indeed.

After reading "How to pick up girls," reluctantly I decided to try one of those lines. I actually interrupted a girl by touching her wrist lightly (just as the book suggested -- you know, physical contact is a barrier breaker) and saying "I'm sorry... I'm here listening to you and thinking you're eyes are so beautiful (the word "so" is extremely important; it makes a huge difference) it's almost hypnotic... I just had to say that... anyway, you were saying..." I swear, I thought she was just going to laugh in my face, but she didn't. She melted at the corner of the bar like an ice cube in Cancun. But in my defense, I have to say, she did have stunning eyes. So at least, I was being honest.

Every guy, when meeting an attractive girl, wants to seduce her, charm her, make her melt in the corner. The easier she is to fall for those lines, the bigger the ego boost but the less satisfying the conquest is. So, is this guy being serious or reading from the same book I did? We don't know, not yet. But we do know several things: guys like the conquest phase; they like a challenge; they don't fall in love right away, they fall in lust; and it takes some time for feelings to develop. Your job should be to encourage him but make him chase you so that he learns about you while he's still in the chase and he starts appreciating you for being more than a girl worth kissing in a bar or on the street.

So, no, don't text him. During this early stage, the moment you make him feel that you like him more than he likes you, it's the moment he starts looking for another girl to try out that "I just had to do that" line again. If you made such a good impression, he's going to chase you and your text is unnecessary; if the impression you left isn't motivation enough for him to chase you, your cute text isn't going to help.

Submitted on Friday, August 28, 2009
By: Mary
Age: 26
Location: Wisconsin
Question: Okay, so one of my old guy friends and I reconnected this year and started hanging out a lot. I have always had a huge crush on him but he just got out of a serious relationship so wasn't going to push him. Most of the time we hung out he always just had me come to his place. There was usually quite a bit of drinking going on but I didn't let anything happen for a while. Probably 2 months after we started hanging out again we actually fooled around some. As of now we haven't actually had sex, but have fooled around quite a few times. I just feel like I don't know what he wants. He goes from being so nice to kind of distancing himself from me. I feel like our friendship has grown a lot though, for a period of two weeks we talked on the phone almost every night and the conversations usually ranged from 30 minutes to just over and hour, with one that was 3 hours long! The last four times we hung out there was no drinking involved, and the last one we fooled around again. So that makes me wonder since we were both sober if there is actually something there. But then he made me kind of mad so I didn't really talk to him at church the following sunday and left right away and he calls me like 15 minutes after that and was like, hey, I didn't really get to talk to you and stuff. So that made me feel better but then when we talked monday he was acting kind of distant again so I decided to just let him be for now. I guess I just don't know what to do with him. It has been 8 months and I still have no idea what he wants.

Oh yeah, he has a kid, but totally knows I am cool with that, and I have watched him once for him.

VictorM's advice:

Basically, what you have is a "friend with benefits" situation, and guys tend to look at girls in that situation as fun to be around but not serious relationship material. You'll do until he meets a girl he's willing to get serious about. You see, "easy" girls are fun to be around, but for a serious relationship, "easy" isn't good enough.

I know, you're only making out with him because you like him and hope it will lead to more, not because you're easy. But I doubt that he's thinking the same way. Guys can totally separate physical contact from feelings; they are two different things. He can totally make out with a girl even if he didn't even like her; and so he's seeing you through his own lens. And in guy world, it's fine for him to be easy, not so for the girl.

Right now he wants exactly what he's got: a girl he finds attractive, whom he likes well enough, and who makes out with him without pressuring him for a commitment. Why should he change anything?

The solution is simple: if you two are just friends, treat him just you would any other friend -- no making out, no sex. If you do that, he'll either want to be your boyfriend, or the friendship will vanish. But either way, you won't be stuck on "I don't know what he wants" land.

Submitted on Friday, August 28, 2009
By: Chrissy
Age: 26
Location: Melbourne
Question: Victor, please help!

I had a first date with a guy recently and it went great. He was such a gentleman and we seemed to really click. He kissed me on the cheek at the end of the date and didn’t try anything else. During the date he told me he would be away on business for three weeks but would keep in touch and asked me to go out with him again when he returns. I didn’t think he would keep in touch but I was pleasantly surprised when he did. We texted each other each day and he would call me every three days and we'd spend up to two hours on the phone each time. Our conversations got quite deep and he said that some things he's telling me he has never told anyone before. He sent me photos of where he was and of himself (nothing inappropriate by the way!) and I sent him photos of me. We talked about what we wanted in the future, he told me he wants to get married and have kids one day, asked me if I wanted the same things and so on. He told me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves our conversations. He returned home the other night and called me from the airport to tell me he's back and to ask me out for the next day. We met up the next day, he bought us dinner and we went for a walk to the beach. We talked comfortably and things were going well. He then touched my face lightly and kissed me. He was so tender about it. We got a bit closer that night, but all that happened was just more kissing and cuddling. What I found nice was that he kissed me on the forehead a few times and this to me usually tells me a guy cares for me.

Anyway, we parted that night without making plans to see each other again but he told me to call him the next day. The next day I thought I'd give him a call to say hi and just see what he was up to. The conversation was fine and he asked me what my weekend plans were. I told him and he asked me to go out with him during the weekend. We didn’t make plans on the spot but agreed we'd be in touch before the weekend to set something up. On Friday as I hadn't heard from him I messaged him just saying hello and asking how his day was.

He replied later that night and basically dumped me via text message. He said that what happened between us a few days ago freaked him out as he's realized he has emotional baggage he hasn’t dealt with. He said he enjoys my company but he's not in a position to begin a relationship yet. He said that his past experiences have made him nervous and he's not ready to trust someone in that way yet. He then says he wants to stay in touch but understands if I don't want to.

WHAT THE? Ok, so I know that this whole "I'm not ready" crap is just that, crap. I have been through hell with guys before but if I like someone at this moment none of the past experiences will stop me from trying again. So I guess he doesn’t want me but I really want to know where things went wrong?

Why do you think he's suddenly lost interest? I thought that perhaps he was building all this in his mind for the past few weeks and when he finally got to kiss me and touch me he found he had no feelings for me/wasn’t attracted to me? What's with the forehead kiss?

I seriously thought this guy had potential and to be faced with this now is just hurtful. Can you tell me if his 'not ready' spiel is just bullshit or if there could be truth in it?

I haven’t replied to him or called him and although I really want to talk to him, should I, is there a point?

I just wonder what it was that made him turn around and be like this?

Thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

When I read some questions, I play a little game of trying to figure out, by the first few things I read, where the question is going to go. This is one example where after reading that he said he told you things he never told anyone, I knew exactly how your question was going to end. Sadly, I was right. But, on the bright side, I think I can explain what happened.

His "emotional baggage" is clearly a reference to a previous relationship, which probably ended badly. Such a man most often seeks to heal his wounds with the next relationship -- the rebound relationship. In this case, he's really looking to pulls his ego up, but mostly, he's looking to fix what went wrong.

So, pouring his soul of all these things he never talked about to anyone before, which so many women interpret incorrectly to mean he likes them so much, is really just his need to talk, to vent, to let it out, to subconsciously treat you like a therapist, not a lover. Guys who are in control of their emotions aren't as likely to spill the beans on their deepest secrets so soon. (And this is why I knew, more or less, where your submission was headed).

The following may not be totally accurate in every details, but either he was made to feel, or in retrospect felt he wasn't as sweet and tender as he should have been with a prior girl, so he's going to become all those things with you. He didn't do it because he felt you were particularly special, he's just proving to himself that he can be tender, sweet, and kiss your forehead and such.

Basically, with you, he was repairing himself. What for? Most likely to go back and try again to resolve things with the source of his baggage. You, in essence, were the text book example of the rebound relationship.

One way to look at it positively is to accept that you helped one human being. Another is to accept that this was never about you -- it's in no way a rejection of what kind of person you are; it was just never meant to work out because he wasn't looking for a future, he was looking to the past.

When you reply to him, there's no point in saying anything other than: I wish you find the happiness you seek.

Submitted on Thursday, August 27, 2009
By: Alexis
Age: 24
Location: PA
Question: Ok- Long story Short- Together 3.5 years- those years consisted of him cheating on me with his ex, getting her pregnant, an abortion, and him continuing to hang out with her till about a year ago. Actually this past Valentines I found texts from her in his phone from January but none after that.

Needless to say trust issues, a sister that hates me because of my trust issues, she feels I should just let her brother do what he wants, and his sister turning 21 Tuesday and him wanting to go out with her which in Jan. he promised me he would not unless i was there, update- he is backfiring on that promise and now making it out to be me who is the asshole over it and making him choose between family and me. Never told him he couldn't go- just upset that he will be- I know I can't stop him.

Anyways- recent email, I don't know what to really make of it, what's he looking for? I'm upset of course, its part trust, absolutely, his sister is a conniving bitch that still talks to the girl who he cheated on me with and would INSTANTLY call her and invite her too! UGH! Anyways here's the email making me sound like an ass for having feelings...Thoughts appreciated!

Do you just ignore every single thing I say? You really do. I have no "plan", Amy. Every single time we get into a fight which is usually about the same old shit I try my hardest to think that somehow things are going to change and this is another learning experience for both of us when in reality it ALWAYS comes back to the same thing. Ya know, if you look back in your own emails, you can see that all of the things you write are about you you and you. How I feel never seems to be a factor. Nothing I do ever pleases you 100%, it just doesn’t. I stay home and play wow and you tell me "that’s all you do is stay home and play wow", I go out and I always get some kinda of smart snippy comment from you which I HATE. Ya know, what if everytime you stayed at the office late or walked with kate or whatever and I always had some kinda smartass thing to say to you? I guarantee you would grow to hate that. Want to talk about fair? THAT’S not fair. No, you won't flat out say "you cant go", but you sure as hell make every attempt to make comments and be a smartass to show that you don’t like the idea, same thing with my sisters bday, THAT’S not fair. It's not fair that I have to walk on thin ice all the time worried about what you are going to say/feel. Like I said before, me typing this email will not do a damn thing. I want to be in a relationship, not a warzone.

In reality yes, I should have told you to go fuck yourself when you said that about my sister awhile ago, but at the time it was not as big of an issue because you could have gone along. But seriously Amy, this is not this 1 time we are talking about. This has been one of my BIGGEST problems with this, the fact that I always have to hear some kind of shit when I don’t sit home and play wow for the night, if my day changes the slightest from what you know, there is always something that goes wrong, always. You tell me to stand my ground? That irks me like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to talk about FAIR, there are a TON of things that have no been fair to me for a long time, but that doesn’t matter, does it? I can talk till im blue in the face or type till my fingers falls off and I still don't think anything that I'd say or type would matter at all. You must think I don't have feelings at all or something, I don’t know, because everytime I say something it gets tossed in the wind. I said it before and I will say it again, what changes?

VictorM's advice:

I didn't even have to read his email to think that being your boyfriend can't be an easy thing. Sure, there's his cheating and contact with is ex, but if you go around thinking that his sister is conniving, and that there is even a reason to discuss him going to his sister's 21st birthday... come on, are you serious? His sister's 21st birthday?

Given the history -- his cheating and contact with the ex; given your very low opinion of his sisters; and given the suffocation and desperation evident in his email, your relationship is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and end in a flame of bitterness. It's just a matter of time. If you think anything is going to happen to fix this whole mess, you're dreaming.

You've spent 3.5 years together; any extra day you spend together is throwing a good day after bad ones. This is not about who's wrong or who's wright; it's about two people who are too toxic for each other.

Submitted on Thursday, August 27, 2009
By: janie
Age: 21
Location: diamond bar
Question: my ex- boyfriend hates me and talks to me like the most insignificant person in the world. we broke up and it's been a couple months, our parents excommunicated us and we get into a lot of fights, but i miss him and love him so much. every time i try to talk nicely, he treats me like a jerk, how do i get him back?

VictorM's advice:

Why did you break up? Let me know. And janie, be honest about it. This anger of his has some trigger, and it has to do with you.

submitted by
() on Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 04:29:02
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By: gina
Age: 18
Location: sg
Question: We have been dating for around 10 months and everything was great, and we did have sex. Things started getting bumpy when he feel tied up in the relationship. i have to admit we were indeed spending a lot of time together. We spend almost everyday doing things together. I do understand this will make him feel like his life is taken away. So we kind of break up. But we didn't really say it out so it wasn't a clean break. Now, 5 months have passed and we are not contacting, since we are not in the same school anymore. And he tends to avoid our common friends, me, and the issue. He once told me he still loves me but he's afraid about the time he needs to give. I want him to know that i don't need the time and we could try things out. But he's a guy who don't express himself so no one knows what he is thinking right now. I tried talking to him and everything seems alright. I asked if i was replaced and he say i wasn't. i'm planning to meet him to see how things go. But before that i won't really like to know what he is thinking and feeling. i'm also afraid he might love his life too much now, but he always tell me he doesn't know what to do when i asked if he needs me to wait for him till he's ready. So im planning to tell him maybe we should try letting each other into our life and that i don't need the time he used to give. Can this work? And what is he thinking right now, he doesn't express himself at all.

We didn't really sit down and talk about the issue as bf and gf so i hope i can still do it now. We didn't really communicate well and he didn't express anything.

Thank you!

VictorM's advice:

I think you should do exactly that: meet with him and go over expectations, particularly about how much time you spend together.

Will it work? I don't know. What I do know is that if a guy says he loves but breaks up with you, he doesn't really love you. He's just saying it to make you feel better about yourself. But he may still like you enough to give it another try, as long as he doesn't feel suffocated.

Submitted on Wednesday, August 26, 2009
By: Courtney
Age: 26
Location: OS
Question: Hi, I have been dating my partner for 15 months now and have been living together for the last 7 of that and am very much in love. Every so often i'm finding out new things about him..as expected... but just recently i have discovered something new. About a month ago, I discovered a porn site web address saved in his "favourites" on the home computer. I jokingly made a comment about him not sharing (i would like him to share though), we both had a giggle. And now i have discovered that he has visited this site 3 times in one week. Two of those visits were while i was at work. He missed gym and came home early, saying he had to work late so decided to skip gym (which was not out of the ordinary before-so i let it slide) and the other time was when i went to do the weekly shopping over the weekend. He had a few things to do around the house so i offered to go on my own. What i am wandering is, is this normal? Do guys need "THEIR" time? He says he is happy in the relationship and sex is good, but with him doing this (i didn't think i had a problem with porn until now). I honestly feel hurt with him resorting to porn while i'm "available"...its not like i've gone away or anything. What do i do? Do i chat to him about this or is it a "private/sensitive" issue with guys? PLEASE HELP...

VictorM's advice:

Guys definitely need "their" alone time. Even guys who have sex as often as they want still enjoy masturbation. It's simply a different sexual experience than sex with someone else. This time alone has no reflection whatsoever on you, or your sex together. Guys derive little motivation from just memory, hence the popularity of porn and nudie magazines; guys need something to look at to get it done.

With guys, quite often masturbation is just a very spontaneous thing. It's totally believable that he come home to work, and felt like taking a few moments to get something out of the way. And so a quick look at the website provided the fuel he needed to complete his task and then be able to focus on his work.

So, in a nutshell, guys having alone time is very normal and not at all unhealthy or indicative of any dissatisfaction with his sex life with you.

As for the porn itself, that is something for you two to discuss. What it means to you is subjective to your value systems, the frequency of viewing, and type of material he looks at. Compare notes and see if you are on the same wavelength, and if necessary, agree on boundaries.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
By: Rokkstar!
Question: What do you do when the person you love decides he's gay? I can't live without this guy, but he prefers guys. What can I do??!

VictorM's advice:

If indeed he's gay, he didn't just decide it; he's been gay all his life.

You will find out, contrary to what you believe now, that you will be able to live without him. In fact, as his sex preference becomes more obvious and settles in your brain, the more likely you are to start looking at him differently.

Aren't you glad I resisted the temptation to joke that you could have a sex change operation?

(Oops!)

Submitted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
By: emilee
Age: 20
Location: oklahoma
Question: okay so i met this guy named tommy that my best friend new at the beginning of the summer. we hit it off really well. my boyfriend broke up with me shortly after that. so tommy was there for me and helped me out. he started to have feelings for me and i told him to wait until i could get over my ex so i didn't make him the rebound. He waited and we continued to hang out. He loved me and i started to love him back, then we started having sex. about a month later i was totally ready to be his girlfriend so we dated for like 3 weeks before he realized that i would be going back to school soon. so he broke it off with me. it really sucked but he took me out for a great day at the lake with all our friends. later that night he told me he really was in love with me, but he just didn't think now was the right time. so we tried to be friends but it was hard on both of us so we ended up fighting all the time. and i didn't know what to do. eventually our fighting just got so bad that we stopped talking all together. i started hanging back out with my best friend and rumors started roaming around that we were sleeping together. which was not so because i am still in love with tommy and can't picture myself with any one else right now. One night he asked me to come by so we could talk. As i was on my way he heard the rumor and got really upset. and i spent about an hour trying to convince him that i didn't because i loved him. well we ended up having a really awesome conversation over the phone for about 2 hours. We hung out the next 2 days and i left on monday to go to tulsa and am here for a week. yesterday we talked like normal and everything was cool until him and my best friend went drinking. and he would not text me back or call me or anything and it continued into today. he said he just wasn't in the mood to talk or text right now but is at my best friends house swimming and drinking? i'm very confused, does this mean he does not want to be around me any more? is he just using me? he told me over the weekend when we hung out that he still really cares about me and still wants me in his life. does he still need his space? what can i do to ensure that he is mine again? i am so in love with him and i don't know what i should do to get him back officially.

VictorM's advice:

Is he using you? Watcha talkin' bout Willis? Using you for what? To text and phone? Come on! Be real.

You're not a priority in his life. That's why he broke up with you. Does that mean he doesn't want to talk to you anymore? Doesn't sound that way. It just sounds like he's not going to contact you as often or at the precise time you'd like. I mean, come on, face it: he's not your boyfriend.

According to him, he broke up with you because right now wasn't the right time. What does that mean? Did he explain? I can't comment because I don't know his reasons. I have an inkling that it's just bullshit and that, as I said before, you're simply not a priority in his life. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, or want good things to happen to you, but he's basically saying you're not girlfriend material. Until and unless that changes, he's not going to be yours.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
By: Confused/Hurt
Age: 31
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Question: I am 31 and I have been dating a guy for about 4 and 1/2 months. In the beginning and in the middle, he was the most attentive guy I have ever dated (what I liked and disliked, things that I said to him, etc.). He would always allude to the future: "we will save this conversation when we drive to Milwaukee to visit my parents." "a few months from now you, your friends and i should go to the kareoke bar." "when I coach football in a few months maybe you can sit in the stands and watch with your friend." " I like you - I really like you and I feel like I should do something about it." "I would like you to meet my mom."

I did not feel like there was a huge spark at the beginning and I saw him more as a friend, but as things progressed, I saw what a sweet, good person he was. I was cautious at first and I did not really let my guard down because I knew we were so different and I did not want to fall for someone knowing that I would probably get hurt because of this. He would say things to me like we would find more things we had in common and liked to do together. We both made an effort to learn and do things together that the other person liked. I thought things were going really, really well and I started to let myself get more excited about him and the situation. Just as I was doing this, it seemed like he was having a change of heart.

I had not seen him very much for 2 weeks (only for a few hours, hanging out with some of my friends) because he was busy with work and had a friend in town. However, he made several efforts to get together with me and some of my friends while his friend was in town, but it did not work out. I could tell he cared about me by at this point by the things he said - "i am worried that you got separated from your friends, please text me when you get home ok, etc." "I just drove home from the ER, but I did not want to tell you I was going because I did not want you to worry, etc."

So, right around this time, is when he started acting like a jerk and pushing me away. I had not seen him very much over a 2 week period, but we kept in touch and talked. He asked me what I was doing on Fri. (the day of) and I said I was tired from the work week and asked him if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. He said he had to eat dinner and was going to stop off at a friend's house to see their yard first and then he would be over and maybe we could get a drink somewhere and watch a movie. I said great - asked him to give me a call when he was on his way and that I could pick up something at the liquor store and we could have a drink at my place. I asked him what he wanted, but he never responded. So, I am waiting for him for 2 and 1/2 hours and I dont hear from him. Finally, I text him around 11:30 and tell him I am going to bed. He says he just got done playing with his friend's dog and now he was at the bar. I was really upset and said if he did not want to come over, he should have just said so and that I had been waiting for him. He did not think it was a big deal and thought we could just hang out the next day. I said I was busy and I did not see him on Sat. On Sunday, I asked if I could come over and talk to him. He said no, he was busy and that he does not want to be scolded anymore or get into an argument. I said I didnt want that - - I wanted to come over and tell him I missed him. He never really responded, but asked what I was doing Thurs. the next week.

So, on Thurs. we went to a museum (his idea). I was not my normal self around him because I was still upset - not really very affectionate. I was hoping to get some reassurance from him that he still wanted to be with me, but I did not really. The previous Friday never came up. On the way home in the car, I made some comment that it would be fun to go to an oxygen bar sometime. He said: "I will keep that in mind when i have to be nice to you in case if I ever hit on one of your friends." He said it in a joking, dry sarcastic way, so I kind of asked if he foresaw this happening. He said it has never happened before, but you never know what tomorrow will bring. I knew he was joking, but at the same time, it was upsetting, especially considering what he did the previous week. Then, he asked what I was doing Friday and Sat. of that week and we hung out, but I was even more distant.

I knew the next week he was going on vacation with his family. I asked if he wanted to go on a walk and he said he would like that. I went with the intention of asking him about our relationship, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. We ended the walk with a hug and said goodbye. While driving home, I felt things were just not right. I called and asked what he was doing and if I could come over. He said no - he was eating dinner. Then I asked him if he thought things had been weird lately and he said no, but he has not thought about it too deeply. I said it seemed like we were in the friend zone for the past month (we had only kissed a little, nothing more). He said he was thinking the same thing and that we should see if there was a spark when he came back from vacation. I did not hear from him the whole week he was gone. Finally, I text him and said that if he didn't want to see me anymore, he should have just said so instead of being a jerk over the past few weeks and making me do something about it. He said he was under the impression that we were going to wait a week to see if there was a spark still. I told him that I did not feel good about things at all anymore and he asked if I wanted to break up. I said I wanted to talk to him about it in person. I told him that I recently let myself be more excited about things and I was letting my guard down and recently realized how much I cared about him. I told him that this is not what I wanted.

So, I saw him and I was hoping that he would reassure me he wanted to be with me, etc. It did not happen that way. I asked him if he had been pushing me away because he wanted to focus on football coaching or if he was just not attracted to me/into me or the relationship anymore. He said it was the 2nd one and I was now in the friend zone. He said he thought we were incompatible and that he just wasn't as excited to see me as he was before. He said we had better chemistry hanging out with other people, but not alone. He said I was not a priority in his life anymore - I had just become 1 of 15 people in a pool of people to hang out with. It was very, very hurtful - he had no emotion about the whole thing at all - like he could care less and I mean nothing to him. He was very cold and insensitive and he could clearly tell I was upset because I was crying. It has been 2 weeks and I am still hurting over this. I have not heard from him and I don't expect to. Any advice? I know we were not a perfect match, but I care about him and it really hurts how he could go from caring about me and then 1 day decide I mean next to nothing to him.

Also, this is the longest relationship he has ever had . .. I have had a 2 and 1/2 year relationship before . . .

VictorM's advice:

I'm not sure that what I will say will makes things easier on you -- I know it is very hard handling what just happened -- but I have to say that a lot of women who write to me would give an arm, a leg, and their left nipple, to have a guy be that forthright and honest with them.

What happens most often in cases like yours is the guy strings you along for months with fake words of devotion while all along being distant and aloof, or, another very common situation, just disappearing and you never hear from him again.

With this guy, regardless of behavior you describe as that of a jerk, he nevertheless faced you and told you honestly that he had lost interested. You, unlike many, have closure.

Your reaction, by the way, only suggests what I feel to be true: that women who say, in case such as this, that they just want the man to be honest and face them with the truth, would most likely find something else to hate his guts about if that's what he did. The bottom line is, as the song says: there is no easy way to break someone's heart.

I understand that your point is that you find it so cold that he just doesn't care. I suggest to you that you are only looking for something to despise him, and that the truth is probably different. I bet it was very difficult to for him to do what he did, it took a lot of courage, he probably agonized over it, and probably felt that sticking around with all kinds of attention would be counterproductive, and that moving on and away from you is best for both of you. I don't know if any of this went through his mind, but neither do you. If it did, he did the right thing and his actions are commendable.

But, I know... he's still a jerk.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
By: JJ
Age: 18
Location: Colorado
Question: So one of my best guy friends and i have been hanging out a lot more this summer and i have fallen for him the problem is he doesn't know... or well he didn't. I gave him a ride home today and when he got out i text my best girl friend "I love ryan, he's the best!" i meant like he's a cutie love, and once i got home i went to see why she hadn't text back and it say that i had actually text him!!!! well i was freaking out and then he text back "i am the best." what the heck does that mean!!!!

VictorM's advice:

I think he simply took your comment as a big compliment. I bet he's still clueless about your feelings for him.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
By: Norma
Age: 19
Location: Sun Valley
Question: I have a friend with benefits and he suggested that I should get a boyfriend? What could this possibly mean?

VictorM's advice:

At a minimum, that you shouldn't expect your current situation to go any further. It could possibly also mean that your friends with benefits arrangement is coming to an end.

Submitted on Monday, August 24, 2009
By: Joeann
Age: 24
Location: FL
Question: Hello,
First time here and absolutely amazed by the caliber of your advice. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about this one...

I met this guy 4 or 5 years ago at a club (which I never make a habit of doing). The physical attraction was definitely there on both sides, and once we met outside of the club scene the conversations were just as good. Any who, the relationship was mostly physical (And I was ok with that. I know men are physical creatures and so am I, so no foul) however, it was long distance. We were both willing to do the long distance thing for some time, but looking back on it all, that's not where the problem was. The problem was that we had sex way too soon. I think that at 19, I was not equipt to handle the emotions that come along with being sexually intimate with someone. The only other relationship I had been in was very unhealthy, emotionally and physically. That, along with "daddy" issues left me with a tendency to push people away, especially when I felt too much too soon (call it self preservation or stupidity, it was what it was). I was plagued with the stupid mentality of "hurt him before he hurts me." Either way, I totally admit to being in the wrong for the way things ended oh so long ago.

The problem as it stands: Years have gone by, tons of progress has been made towards resolving past issues, relationships have come and gone, but he's never been too far from my thoughts. I was really excited when he just recently found me on Facebook. Yes, I looked for him one time too, but with no luck. I can not deny that there is something there, because those feelings will never go away. I really cared about him deeply, and although I was too young to be in love; I think there was a potential for love there.

Looking back, I know the potential of what could have been had I not sabotaged myself. But, like I told him, there is no point in living in the past. We can't change what happened; we just have to go on from here.

He told me that he just got out of a 3 and half year relationship. No, I don't really know how long ago it was, but I don't know if he looks at me as a possible rebound either; because I'm "familiar" and we've already shared intimacies in the past. Could that be an issue? I myself was almost married last year, but I'm not looking for a rebound. Been there, done that. I want an exclusive relationship.

He recently moved to West Palm, which is extremely close to where I live now so the distance won't be a problem. He's going back to school for his Masters (I'm very happy for him. We share a lot of the same goals and really support each other.) and he works a full time job, so we won't be able to see each other quite as much due to the crazy schedules. I've never been the type to need constant attention or affection and I truly value my independence, so no worries there. Plus, he is the type to make an effort when he really is interested so I know that none of that will be a problem. He has been calling and texting me (not too often as to appear clingy, but enough to let me know that he is serious about pursuing something) and showing effort.

This weekend past we finally met up. We ended up going to the beach late Friday night to talk. It was amazing; we spent 4 hours talking about the past, present, future, ect. (lol as if at that point there were anything else left to talk about...) It was nice.

He kissed me and things started to get a little physical. And although I appreciate the fact that he still finds me so attractive; I'm not the same person I was 4 or 5 years ago. I don't want the physical to mess up this second chance we've been given, so I held back. The horrible thing was that he kept going. Once I made it clear that I wasn't going to do anything past making out, he apologized for pressuring me and went on with... he couldn't help that he was so physically attracted to me and that it was hard to forget our past, etc... He sounded genuine in his apology so I left it at that.

...But... (there's always a but) he keeps making comments about our past and how I broke his heart. I'm not sure if this should be considered a red flag or not. He says it half kidding, but says it so often that it makes me feel like it still may be an issue for him. I will never be sure if he has really let go of what happened or if he still holds it against me until I ask him. If that's the case though, is there any hope for getting past it? How can I ease his mind and reassure him that I've changed and I'm no longer that person he once knew? I definitely know that with time, all with be revealed... yadda yadda yadda. Truth is I'm a Taurus and female. Patience really isn't my thing... lol Of course I'm kidding to an extent. I just really need a males perspective. Thanks in advance!

Jo

VictorM's advice:

Welcome to the site. Glad you like it.

Given everything, it would be a shame not to give this guy a really good try. Maybe you're a rebound, maybe not, who knows? Just give it your best shot and see how it goes.

As for him bringing back how you hurt him, you need to understand that when a man's ego gets wounded he reverts to an angry child at his most vulnerable. There is a reason why he brings it up, even if he's only "kidding" -- he's not, he still has a need to punish you -- and there is a way for you to deal with it. Please read this other question and answer for further explanations and follow the advice there.

Submitted on Monday, August 24, 2009
By: Vinniesbella
Age: 22
Location: Chicago
Question: So, i've been with my live in boyfriend for 1 year now. I know, living together and it's only been a year? We are both young and things moved pretty fast with us. We both came out of long drawn out relationships before meeting each other and its been great. when it's good it's really good and when it's bad ... well it's bad! My concern with out relationship is that it feels like he's pulling away from me. Now, i know the honeymoon phase is over ... it's BEEN over as you could imagine with us living together. Anyway, i was told that men who are in relationships tend to do this because they don't want to look like they're too in love. So they overcompensate with time with their friends. Now my boyfriend is a barber so his friends are also his co-workers. Last night we had a talk and he told me that as long as he's living that he's here 110% in our relationship giving his all but that he is now realizing that it's hard to work his job and have a girlfriend at the same time because they both require a lot of attention and energy. This hurt me because i don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if there is some kind of meaning behind that. He used to be very expressive when it came to his feelings and still is at times. I'm just wondering if i have anything to worry about or if i'm just being a typical woman and over-analyzing everything! lol Your insight is very appreciated!

VictorM's advice:

I don't know who told you that nonsense about guys not wanting to appear too much in love, but I think it is nonsense.

It's healthy for a couple to balance their time together with time away from each other. So if it's friends or work or hobbies, one partner should encourage the other to enjoy and focus on those activities as long as they tend to the relationship as well. So I don't see why you should feel hurt about it; in fact, you should be happy that he can relax with his friends and you should find your own activities to enjoy without him.

No relationship can sustain the intensity of the early dating period, so don't equate a decline in that intensity with a decline in interest. As we become more secure in the relationship, we tend to pull back.

Submitted on Monday, August 24, 2009
By: ellie
Question: victor, i'm back and i messed up big time! please tell me what to do. its a little long so please bear with me.
so a few weeks ago i was out at a club with my friends and i met this guy. since it was a club, a lot of guys were talking to me and i gave my number to a few guys who asked, which by the way, my friend freaked out and said was really inappropriate and would make people think i'm trashy (since i did it with more than one guy). she said if you talk to a bunch of guys and act really friendly and also they see you talking to other guys and giving your number, they will of course assume only one thing...

well, i would be curious as to your opinion on that but that is not my main question.

anyway, i met this guy and me and my friends and him and his friends were going to go to a cafe after the club closed, and it took us forever to get there (people kept having to go to the atm, the deli, etc) and he got frustrated and said he was tired and going home (it was already something like 4 am). anyway, he called me later that night and said he was very glad to meet me, etc etc and apologized for leaving. the next day he asked if i wanted to come over and i said i was busy because i still had friends over. so then he asked if i wanted to go out the following weekend. i said ok. he texted me a few times during the week. then we went out (this was a friday). i was with my friends when he called and he asked if i wanted to come meet him at a bar, and i agreed and asked if i should bring my friend (who is a guy). he said sure since he also had a friend with him. i brought my friend and we stayed at the bar for a while, and then we decided to leave. well his friend left but mine came with us, and we all went to my apartment. it has a courtyard so we sat in the courtyard and just drank a little and hung out. he kept getting mad because my friend wouldnt leave (he was there for at least two hours) but he didnt say anything. after a while my friend finally left, and he asked if i wanted him to stay over, so i said ok. i did not plan for anything to happen. anyway he slept over (we did not have sex) and he left in the morning. he also asked if i wanted to be his girlfriend. i was shocked, but he is European (he just came here a few months ago) and he said that is how people do it there, so i guess thats normal for him. anyway, he asked if i wanted to go out the next day (saturday) and i said ok.

well on saturday he texted and said he was too exhausted to go anywhere (he works like 80 hours a week and he was up 24 hours because we were up so late the night before) but if i wanted to come over i could. of course i said no. then he said, ok we can go to dinner tomorrow instead. later that night i went out with my friends and he texted and said he was going out for a drink with his friend after all and asked if i wanted to meet them. i said no.

then on sunday, i waited all day but didn't hear from him. i finally texted him in the evening and he said he had been at work all day but his phone was dead and that he would call me later when he got home and recharged it. later he called me and i didn't answer. i texted him and he wrote back saying he was just cleaning up and then we could meet. i wrote back that i was out with my friends at dinner and that he could just call me whenever he was ready.

well, i did not hear from him and i finished dinner and went home. i figured he was a player and not interested and i decided i wouldnt talk to him anymore. later that night, around 12 he called me and i answered even though i knew it was a bad idea. i was ready to blow off any excuse he was going to give, but he shocked me because he said, where have you been? i have been waiting for you for hours!

i told him that i had texted him and said for him to call me and he said that he had texted me back, but i never got the text, so i didn't know what to think. anyway, he convinced me to come meet him at a club, and when i got there, i saw that his phone really was dead and he kept turning it on and off to try and get it working again. i also knew it was dead because we met his friend there who said he had trying to get a hold of him for hours. so at that point, i didn't know what to think.

anyway, he introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend, and i didn't say anything. he asked if we could go back to his apartment, because his friend is staying with him and he needed to let him in to the apartment, and also he wanted to recharge his phone. so we went back to his place. at that point i said i wanted to go home because it was already 2 am and i had work in the morning, but he asked me to stay. we went to sleep, and he pushed me to do much more than i wanted to do. he would not take no for an answer. i have been around some very pushy guys but he was the worst by far. finally i said i was going to leave if he didn't stop, so he stopped and apologized, and said he didnt know what came over him.

anyway i told him i was upset because i never did that much with a guy before, and that i didn't ever go to a guys place or sleep over there before, and that i didnt want him to think i was slutty or i did this kind of stuff.

he said all the usual stuff, like blah blah i like you a lot and i really respect you, and if i just wanted to find some girl to have sex with, i could. i can usually tell when people are full of it and he didnt seem like he was.

anyway, in the morning i woke up very early for work and i said goodbye, and he asked when we would meet again and i told him to call me and we would figure it out.

i don't know what to think. i feel like from the side it sounds obvious that hes a player, and normally, i would never in a hundred years get mixed up with anyone like him, but at the same time, i feel like when hes talking to me, hes not lying. he also said he does not talk to any other girls while he has a girlfriend. i have also never just gone to a guys apartment like that or been such a pushover. i mean he is not American, so i guess he thinks about these things differently.
i don't know what to think. i could tell him i want to take it slow, but i also don't trust myself around him because i am very attracted to him plus he is very pushy. already in a week of knowing him i did more with him than i did with guys i dated for months. its really a bad situation and if i felt like he means well and really wants a girlfriend, then its ok, but if he is just trying to hook up, i think its probably best for me to just cut it off.

he also works until very late on weeknights which means we cant really meet during the week unless its late at night. he did say he was glad he had weekends off from work now because he could spend more time with me. everything he says just sounds like hes obviously a player but for some reason, my instincts keep saying he isn't. what should i do victor? i haven't told any of my friends about this because i am too embarrassed and i have NEVER put myself in a situation like this before.

PS. Let me just give you a quick update before you answer that question. so the guy texted me on monday saying hope to see you soon, blah blah. then i did not hear a word from him yesterday but i was not worried because on monday he told me he was going to have 14 hour shifts all this week. then today in the afternoon he texted me saying, oh did you forget about me? and i was like no of course not. and he was like oh i thought you didn't care or didn't want to see me anymore because you didn't text. and i wrote back, oh i didn't want to bother you at work since you said you are busy but i do wanna see you. and then...no reply!!! victor do you think this another game he is playing, or he really means it? help, i am going crazy. he has complained to me that he thinks i have a bunch of other guys because the night he met me at the club i was talking to a lot of guys.

VictorM's advice:

Ellie, I've been expecting you... :)

I don't see how you messed up or what the bill deal is. Let me recap. So you met a guy you like, went out a few times, had some text messaging issues but you straighten it out, had some sexual pressure but after putting your foot down you straighten that out, he asked you to be his girlfriend and because you are attracted to him you said OK, he has a heavy work load but says he's trying to see you as much as possible. Am I close to being right? Because if I am, I don't see a problem. Right?

Well, that's version one. Now for version two:

Ellie, don't give me this "he's European" excuse as if Europeans were from another planet. He's a guy, you're a sexy girls, you freely give out your phone number to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, and he wants you sexually. Asking you to be his girlfriend so soon is a clever ploy: most girls reject sexual advances until they are in a relationship; this guy doesn't have time to wait around. And really, is he really interested in spending time with you and you alone unless it's in a room somewhere? And why is he pushy? Clearly he's after sex with the sexiest girl in the club.

Which version is closer to the truth despite your confusion? I think you're wishing it's version number one, but you really think version two is a strong possibility, hence your question to me and the secrecy from your friends.

I have no idea which one is right. And hell, I'm European myself. But in my world, if someone is pushing me too fast to do things I don't want to do, I tell them to fuck off. Politely, of course. :)

Submitted on Monday, August 24, 2009
By: Angie
Age: 29
Location: Iowa
Question: My husband and I have been separated for three weeks. We talk daily (he usually calls) and see each other once a week. He wanted the separation to "figure himself out, but he really loves me and hopes this will make us stronger." Although the separation time is going well I feel taken for granted. What should I do, I want our marriage to work in the end.

VictorM's advice:

How is a separation going to make you stronger? I fail to see the logic in that.

What problems did you have that led to this? How long have you been married? Where is he living? Are either one of you in counseling? Give me a little bit more because on the surface, I just don't understand how you can expect a happy ending from this.

Submitted on Monday, August 24, 2009
By: Susan
Age: 35
Location: San Francisco, CA
Question: I would like a guy's perspective on this:

My BF is still friends with a girl whom he had had a crush on in the past and is rather closed mouthed about the conversations and plans he makes with her. They have never dated.

He gets defensive when I ask him about her, but says that he doesn't want to tell me because I react badly to his telling me about her. I react badly BECAUSE he is not open about her. Plus he has said in the past he had cheated on his GFs.

I do not want to be a paranoid jealous GF. Is there any hope? We had a huge fight, and now I don't know if and how I can go back to being a trusting GF.

VictorM's advice:

Look, this really isn't very complicated at all. If a guy is willing to have problems with his girlfriend over another girl, the girlfriend simply doesn't rate as high as she should. It's that simple.

Guys have no interest in being friends with a girl unless there is an ulterior motive. It's that simple.

You are having a hard time trusting him because he's giving you every reason not to trust him.

Submitted on Monday, August 24, 2009
By: Tara
Age: 28
Question: Hi, I've submitted a question before where it seemed like my guy wanted out of the relationship...long story short, we're still here, hanging on for dear life but I don't know if it'll last.

We've just gone into long distance and although he was always quite clear he didn't want a long distance relationship, he said he wanted us to stay in touch, be "friends" and make an effort to visit if it was at all possible. I don't think he's thinking long distance booty call, I honestly believe he has alot of affection for me but is not in love with me yet or hugely committed to our relationship as he thinks distance is only one factor, we have other compatibility issues as well. Also he's going to be away for at least two years and there are no plans for us to be ever in the same city at the same time as far as we can see.

However when he left, he texted and called constantly for the first three days. I was very touched by the effort he put in to stay in touch and felt that he missed me. I was very open, telling him I missed him and cared about him and he said he felt the same. He mentioned in a phone conversation that he was lonely in the new city. When he hung up, I sent him a very sweet text to say that it made me sad that he felt lonely and that I wished we could be together. He never replied as he was busy and flat hunting that day. The next day, he woke up and texted me. I replied and asked he was. Again no reply the entire day, so I sent another text asking if he was ok. He asked if I was awake and then asked me to call him (as it's cheaper for me to call). When we spoke, I mentioned that I noticed he missed a couple of my texts. We went back and forth over who texted what at what time. He got upset and stressed, and said that he felt like he was being watched and that although he hadn't felt that we had been in touch too much initially, he was starting to feel that having to update each other daily was starting to feel too intense. He said that he was busy, and was probably going to be busier when work kicked in and he didn't have the time to communicate with me as much as I wanted him to. He repeated that he just wanted to be friends who stay in touch, not have a relationship over the phone. For me, I don't think it was an issue he missed a couple of texts. It's that I sent him such a sweet, loving text and he never replied and it made me worry that I had been too direct or the text had upset him. He said he thought it had been a nice text, he felt he should have replied and now he was feeling guilty that he didn't reply, and he didn't want to feel guilty because it shouldn't be this way.

I don't know if this means I'm not a priority in his mind and he doesn't wait for and look forward to my texts the way I do for his, or if I'm expecting or demanding too much of him. It was a very difficult conversation and he said things were too intense and 'complicated' and that he couldn't keep it up, but at the end he said that this conversation didn't change the way he felt towards me, and he had strong feelings for me, just not towards maintaining the relationship. I asked him if he would be ok if the relationship died and never started again, and he said he thought he would be.

I'm very confused. On one hand he says he feels strongly for me and misses me, but on the other, he doesn't want to put any effort into at least keeping something going over long distance. For me it's instinctive if I care about someone, I make the effort. I truly love this man and would do anything to make this work. Please tell me what I can do or say so that he's not so afraid of long distance and making a little more effort.

VictorM's advice:

From where I sit I can understand how you think sweet text messages and frequency of such messages mean so much. But I assure you of this: from a male's point of view you come across as a pain in the ass. Seriously. You do.

He's a grown man, not your child. He can handle his won life, solve his own problems, and has been clear that he wants only friendship and to stay in touch. Staying in touch does not mean daily contact and it does not mean being timed about his responses.

If you love this man and would do anything to make it work you have to try and stop satisfying your own need to be motherly and instead, make a greater effort to understand that his instincts aren't the same as your instincts. And do you really think that questioning him about how long it takes to respond to your texts is somehow an encouragement for him to have more contact with you? I mean, here's a guy who has gone out of his way to tell you he wants a nice and easy relationship with you (that's what being just "friends" mean) and you get on the phone and nag the guy? Is this really so hard to understand that this is a recipe for failure?

Back off. Make whatever contact you have with him pleasant. Don't smother him. You are not his girlfriend. You are not his mother. Don't do or say what you'd like to have done or said to you in a similar situation. You have to listen to him, understand what he wants, and respond in a way that he -- not you -- would like.

Submitted on Sunday, August 23, 2009
By: Lauren
Age: 19
Location: New York
Question: I started dating Ryan about 6 months ago. He has always had a player reputation, which everyone knew about. He was really interested in me and from the moment we started hooking up, we became exclusive, even though we didn't talk about it. A couple of months later, he told me that he hadn't been with another girl since we met and that I was the first girl he had been with like this. He told me he liked me a lot, and we spent so much time together every day. I basically lived at his apartment and we slept together every night. Summer came, and even though we live in the same town, I started working a lot and didn't have as much time for him. About a month ago we made it official finally after i started getting upset that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. We still spent a lot of time together, but late at night. I was working 55+ hours, and the stress was getting to me. We started fighting a lot and I was upset that he wouldn't sacrifice his time for me, while I felt like I sacrificed a lot for him. Anyways, last week we got into another fight and he called it quits. He said he didn't know what a relationship was, and wanted to be single, and not have the responsibilities of a relationship, the fighting, having to call me and tell me what he was doing, etc. He is extremely independent and has never been the relationship type. He said i deserved a guy who was a good boyfriend, took me out to dinner and stuff like that. I really want him back, but he hasn't called me since he broke up with me. I tried fixing things and talking to him and seeing if we could work things out but he basically said that he just wasn't ready for a relationship, and he liked me a lot and wanted to make it work, but he wasn't mature enough or ready. He just wants to be single. Will he miss me and come back if i ignore him? I think we were great for each other and want him back. I don't want to be with anyone else. Will he come back? What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You think you were great for each other? Are you serious? People who are great for each other don't fight a lot, they don't get upset over a label, they don't suffocate each other, they aren't greedy about their time, and they make time for each other.

I think between you two, he clearly is the more mature one.

I doubt if he's coming back under any circumstances. He's being polite and wishing you good luck, but he's gone. And don't fool yourself into believing you were great for each other -- you were no such thing.

Submitted on Sunday, August 23, 2009
By: Nikita
Age: 18
Location: Regina
Question: okay so I have been seeing this guy for a bit over a month now and i thought things were going just fine. He left for a couple of weeks to go to his brother's wedding but still texted me whenever he could. He seems interested in me and makes me feel so great about myself. He would tell me he missed me so much everyday, he even quit his job in order to try and see me which is pretty extreme, and when he spoke about our relationship he said he didn't want to date because he wants freedom still but he likes me and only me. However, the other day I discovered he lied to me when he said he wanted to have a nap and we would hang out when he woke up. We never ended up hanging out because he apparently fell asleep but he really went to a party. I didn't find out until just today about this so we haven't had a chance to talk about it and he made it seem like nothing was wrong and still went along caring about me. A couple days later though, we're supposed to hang out after he got back from driving people home from the bar since he was DD. I called him a few times around 2:30 am and no answer. I wasn't sure if something happened or if he decided to drink and passed out or something. Someone called back shortly after but it wasn't him it was some girl. I heard other people in the background too but she went on about how she doesn't know this guy and it's her phone even though I am not that stupid. I let it go and texted him the next day saying "hey, what's up?" and got no response for the whole day. It's only going on to two days of him not talking to me but I would really like to be informed of what's happening. I know he likes me, I am just not sure he knows how to not take someone for granted or not. What do you think about the situation?

VictorM's advice:

You claim he quit his job to try and see you and that he misses you when he's away, and yet the line "he said he didn't want to date because he wants freedom" doesn't strike you as odd? Sounds to me like he owes you no explanations an certainly is entitled to go as long as he wants without keeping you informed. That's what "not dating" and "keeping his freedom" mean.

Submitted on Sunday, August 23, 2009
By: Hannah
Age: 35
Location: Nova Scotia
Question: **He's not on my level...??**

I met a great guy July 1st from a dating website. From the first coffee date we had the chemistry needed to explore further. Things were going very well, he told me on July 27th that he had deleted his profile from the dating site which made me really happy. He also said and quote "I'm not trying to scare you off but I like you and I'd like to date just you to see where it goes. This was like music to my ears and so we agreed to date exclusively.

He treats me very well, very respectful, polite, made me feel important and cared for. There was no pressure to be intimate, although we have been together recently in that way but it was "natural progression" after a month and a half of dating. Little things that he did made me feel special. When we would be laying down on the sofa cuddling he would kiss the top of my head or my forehead or my nose. He had been away for 2 weeks on vacation to visit his family. The first thing he did when he got back was come get me and we spent the night hanging out at his place, he told me he was glad to be back to which I replied I was glad to. He told me he was glad that I was glad. A sure sign he was into me. Right?

So fast forward to Wednesday July 19th. We got together, he wasn't feeling well so we went for 1 drink and ended up back at my place. He was quiet and even though he said he wasn't feeling well it felt like something else was wrong. There was awkward silence, I told him that I really liked spending time with him and that I was "thinking of him more." He told me that he thought of me too and that he thought I was great, but that he "wasn't on my level".

Talk about a buzz kill. I have been hurt so many times before that I am fairly guarded so when I heard his response I panicked and told him that I "wasn't on any level that he wasn't on" and that I just wanted to state that I found myself thinking more about him. I rambled on and said that the last time I found myself thinking more about a guy that I had dated for 6 weeks around Easter time I felt that something was missing so I broke up with him...kind if like "dump him before he dumps me"

My guy left shortly after this, kissed me goodbye at the door and told me he'd be talking to me the next day to see about getting together Friday. When I didn't hear from him I texted him at 4:30pm Friday evening to see what was up. He wrote back that he had his daughter. I asked him about getting together Sunday, he told me he may have an aunt visiting but that he would let me know.

I haven't heard a word from him since that. I'm dying, the silence is really loud. I can't help but think that it's over for him. I know I said too much on Wednesday night but I was scared and not prepared for his response.

I want to keep seeing him, if I haven't heard anything from him by Wednesday Aug 26th I was thinking of calling him and saying: Hey Mike, haven't talked to you in a few days..just calling to say hi and see what's going on. Wondering if something is wrong...?

Your advise please...I'm just sick about this...

Hannah

VictorM's advice:

An all too common situation, which I'm sure doesn't make you feel any better, but this is the way if most often goes: guy gets all excited but it he burns out after a while.

Sorry I didn't respond earlier. I'm wondering if you did contact him and how that went. If you haven't contacted him, you should. Omit the "wondering if something is wrong?" question. Just get a feel for the tone of his voice. You've been there before, you'll recognize the loss of interest right away.

One thing: I don't think your words on Wednesday made any difference. Whatever is going through his mind was there already.

It is possible he just had a few days of "cold feet." So there is that chance, but it really doesn't look good.

Submitted on Sunday, August 23, 2009
By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, I'm beginning to be one of your regulars too! I'm kinda confused about the guy who I saw over a vacation and did things with that I asked you about. Well he doesn't text as much as he used to, but more often than not, he instant messages me asking how things went or just saying hi. But then when I try to engage him in a conversation, all I get are 1 word replies. So needless to say I'm confused. Is he being nice for nice's sake or is he still interested?

VictorM's advice:

He's keeping his options open about you. He's staying in touch, not burning any bridges. But one word answers? I'd say he's not interested by your definition of what that means (he's interested in another booty call, if such a situation ever arises).

You're wasting your time with him. I still think distance is the main problem.

BTW, nice to have you join the "group of regulars" :)

Submitted on Sunday, August 23, 2009
By: Alyia
Question: Okay. I'm not sure if I'll like the answer to this question, but I have to ask. You see, I've known Bob for two years now. We went out several times last year, and everytime we broke up we stated friends. I've always heard him tell my friends he really likes me. So this year he asks me out again, and I accept because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Well, I'm falling in love with him. I can't stop talking to him, about him, thinking about him, etc. He rocks my world, and I don't know why it's just hitting me now.

So, your probably thinking "what does she want from me?"

Well, I want a little insight on why this is coming to me NOW, and if he still feels the same way after all of this shit.

Like I said, I'm afraid of this answer, but I gotta know.

Thank You in advance Victor!!!

VictorM's advice:

If you broke up in the past for trivial things (and it sounds like you did if you stayed friends), it's not unusual for you to get back together. If, on the other hand, you broke up for something major, chances are that you're doomed to fail again.

Every day we learn new things, develop some new appreciations, and evolve ever so slightly. It's not at all surprising if you've come to appreciate him in ways you didn't before. Sometimes we need some sort of validation and him telling your friends that he still likes you could be just the reason. It could also be something else entirely, but my point is that it doesn't have to be something major for the chemistry to all of a sudden to explode.

Submitted on Sunday, August 23, 2009
By: Samantha
Age: 24
Location: ON
Question: I'm new at this, in many ways. I've been through a lot in my short life, I have tremendous trust issues with men and its not because I've been cheated on - I've never allowed myself get close to a guy before. This has a lot to do with my childhood experiences. So I do need your advice, there is this guy he's amazing, he's family oriented, a very centered down to earth kind of guy despite the fact that he's incredibly handsome. He's just come out of a difficult relationship - he discovered that his ex had cheated on him. I'm not sure how much time has passed but he claims he's fine. Last night we met for the first time in a year and he stayed by my side, probing, telling me more about himself, stranger's around us thought we were a couple, he put his arm around me a couple of times, it's was really nice - however I don't want to want to allow myself to dream that such a gorgeous guy would have an interest in some one as shy as I am. I don't know how to proceed from here. I gave him my number, inside my heart was alive and smiling, outside I was controlling all these conflicting feels, of hope and doubt and so much more. Is it presumptuous of me to dream that he may be ready for a relationship? What would you suggest, what should I look out for?

VictorM's advice:

Your trust issues are bound to sabotage any relationship. You really should discuss them with a professional therapist.

I don't think "presumptuous" is the right word. Guys take a lot longer than girls to want to be in a relationship. Chances are that he'll want to be friends for a while, a lot longer than you're thinking, or that he'll start getting more touchy than you're counting on. It is nothing against you, it's just the way guys are.

By nature guys don't jump to conclusions as quickly as you girls do. Just listen to yourself: "he's amazing, he's family oriented, a very centered down to earth kind of guy despite the fact that he's incredibly handsome." You're already placing him in a pedestal before knowing the guy at all as a partner. Oh, you may not of him, and you may know him when he puts his best foot forward, but really, you know nothing about him in terms of relationships. Heck, you don't even know how long ago he broke up with his ex (do you even know if the story he told you matches other versions?) and you're already contemplating a relationship with him.

Anyway, being shy has nothing at all to do with him being attracted to you. Do you have a pretty face and/or nice boobs? That's all it takes!

So, slow down. You've never allowed yourself to get close to a guy before. I'm not saying don't do it now -- for all I know he is a great guy -- but given the ways guys first respond to physical appearance, you might want to slow it down and temper your expectations.

Submitted on Sunday, August 23, 2009
Question: Hi Victor,

Got another question for you. I started seeing someone that I met last year and have remained in touch on and off with since (we only had gone out on one date before). Shortly after, Phil fell in love with his neighbor, who was separated from her husband at the time. After the neighbor left Phil to return to her husband, Phil was devastated and I helped him through the pain. We have recently started dating now this year and the initial phase of this relationship seems wonderful for both of us this time around. However, we have agreed to take things s l o w l y, but if it doesn't work out, we have decided that no matter what, we will always have our friendship.

Phil now texts me every day and calls me every single night. Here is the problem...Phil stated that that the ex neighbor girlfriend still sends him IM's occasionally and complains about the husband she is back with. Phil doesn't seem to say too much about it. This bothers me that he still talks to her and has not cut off all communication with her. Am I wrong to think this way? I did ask him if he was still interested in her and he said, "hell, no, not after hurting me the way she did." It's been probably about 6 months since they were dating. I want to know if you think it's wrong that he still communicates with this ex or if he is still dealing with the hurt and if I should say something or just blow it off when he brings his ex up?

VictorM's advice:

The "hell, no" about being interested in her I believe to be sincere. He truly means it when he says it. But that means nothing. He's not over her yet. Is the contact a bad thing? Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell. He needs to get over her for you and him to truly flourish. Cutting her off cold-turkey may not be the best path to healing. Chances are that if he's to get over her, it will be more gradual. There are also issues of a wounded ego at play, and a wounded ego heals best if it finds some sort of "revenge." Kindness is a form of revenge.

Let him talk about her. The frequency and intensity of such talk will be your best gauge of his progress. Understand that it's only natural for him not to be over her and that the best chances for a successful relationship between you two is for him to feel good about himself when he's with you. If you give him grief you'll push him away.

I don't know if he likes you. What I'm saying is that it's normal for shy guys to hide their feelings and even lie about them to divert attention. But even if he's not into you YET, it doesn't mean he can't be. As I also explained, guys take longer than girls to develop feelings. I'm not suggesting that you spend time alone with him because he already likes you -- he might, I just don't know -- but if you spend time with him alone you give him a chance to develop interest in you.

Why should you spend time with him only if you know he absolutely likes you? But even if he doesn't have feelings for you today, nothing says he can't develop them.

He asks about what you do away from work. He has some interest. I'm sure you can think of some ways to spend time alone with him. Just don't expect romance right away.

PS. Damn... you're some party girl. haha

Submitted on Saturday, August 22, 2009
By: Allison
Age: 19
Location: CO
Question: This guy and I have been going out on dates and flirting for about 3 weeks now, and even though he ACTS like he's interested in me, he SAYS he's not. His friend asked if we were together and he said "I don't see her like that", yet he continued to flirt, invite me over, do nice things for me, ask what my parents think of him, etc. He also said to me, "People think there's an "us", but there's no "us" right? I mean, unless you want there to be an "us"...we're good, right?" But he STILL acts interested! Why are his words different from his actions? Is he testing me to see how I feel? I do like him and I want to talk to him about it, but I'm not even sure what to say. Help?

VictorM's advice:

He's just an immature guy who is afraid of rejection. He's playing all these verbal games because he's afraid to come out and say what he wants for fear you might not feel the same way.

Don't talk to him about it. Enjoy his company and let him develop the courage he needs to push things along. He will do it, unless his interest fades first.

Submitted on Saturday, August 22, 2009
By: Kyla
Age: 18
Location: canada
Question: i've been with this guy for almost 2 months now and lately he's been really distant with me. i understand that he wants space but for the past 2 weeks he won't come see me until the night and hangout for a couple hours. He was in a 5 year relationship before me that ended badly and he told me that he doesn't want me to fall in love with him because before it ended badly now my question is how can i show him that i'm not like his ex and we're not going to end things? i care a lot about him but i feel like he's really not giving me the chance to care anymore. What do i do??

VictorM's advice:

His going distant on you lately has nothing to do with his ex. He's just losing interest in you.

Submitted on Saturday, August 22, 2009
By: Emily
Age: 19
Location: Australia
Question: I’ve tried to resist asking about my question directly and find answers through other people’s problems but nothing ever seems exactly the same as your situation so I came to my favourite male advice guru, you!

I feel stupid asking this like I already know the answer, but I’m just worried it’s all in my head and am still being hopeful about it. About two weeks ago a guy I used to go to school with (who apparently had a thing for me in high school) started talking to me and we really hit it off. To the point where we talked all night… Then the next couple nights we stayed up all night talking over messenger. I thought things were going really well, I was under the impression he did too because he kept saying things like “I’m beginning to like you a lot.” etc. So we decided to meet up in person and ended up hanging out all night watching movies. We kissed and he seemed extremely into me, I was sure things were going alright…

In fact, we hung out several times the first week. After the first night he posted everywhere that he ‘had the best night ever’. The second time we hung out I went down on him and he went down on me but we didn’t have sex. We talked about getting together and he seemed really keen on the idea. I said ask me in a week if you still feel the same way. Then for the next couple days I heard next to nothing from him. He said he had been really busy with different things and hadn’t got a chance to chat but something felt different. We hung out several nights ago and he seemed just as into me as he had the first few times we hung out and we talked about getting together again... and I told him I’m not doing anything past kissing again unless we’re together which he said was good because he would prefer if we were together too. I’m getting mixed signals with the way he seems uninterested in me all of a sudden. He was talking about how badly he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I was not objecting to the idea yet he didn’t officially ask me out because I asked him not to do it while the movie we were watching was on but we fell asleep before it ended. We’d arranged to go to the movies last night but he never came online or called me so it didn’t happen. I mentioned it to him today briefly and he said he was sorry and that he was really busy and had lots to do all day. Though it felt like he was brushing me off, have I done something wrong or is this situation a lost cause?

VictorM's advice:

As a rule of thumb, the after-the-fact excuse "I'm so busy" is a bad sign. It's one thing for a guy to say upfront, "listen, I may not contact you as much over the next 3 days because I have to study for a test," but to go quiet for a few days and come back with that line, it just doesn't sound kosher. If he didn't give you the "I'm so busy" excuse before you told him there would be no sex but now he's giving you that line, you have enough reason to wonder.

But I don't think you did anything wrong. Quite the contrary, I think being upfront about your intentions was right.

The good thing is you are aware of what's going on. Certainly waiting a little longer to ascertain his true intentions won't hurt. Just don't be swayed by the way he was originally -- what matters is how he behaves now.

Submitted on Friday, August 21, 2009
By: Kristina Adkins
Age: 18
Location: Wv
Question: okay me and my boyfriend broke up and I am talking to this new guy but we are not going out even though he wants to. He said he would wait but he always talks about sex. And, when we go out, he tells me about every girl he thinks is hot and then he tells me if this girl he knows comes up to him and wants to have sex, he would. Does that mean that he doesn't really want to and he could he possibly cheat on me if we did go out?

VictorM's advice:

This guy is a walking gigantic red flag. How can a guy be any more clear that he's an enormous asshole before you get the message?

Yes, he will cheat on you in a heartbeat if given an opportunity.

Submitted on Friday, August 21, 2009
By: Debstar
Age: 37
Location: brisbane
Question: Why do men that years before they know what and where they want to be as they all seem to say the same things: "I don't want a relationship however buddies are fine" - then you find out in a few years that they are engaged or married. Why is this?

VictorM's advice:

This happens for two reasons:

1. Guys see a relationship as loss of freedom, so they prefer to get to know you without that title.

2. "I don't want a relationship" really means "I don't want a relationship WITH YOU, at least not yet."

Submitted on Thursday, August 20, 2009
By: Samia
Age: 21
Location: BC
Question: Thanks so much for your responses Victor, you helped me make sense of a lot.
And now to my next question (I feel like I'm gonna be a regular). Do guys feel a need to get a reaction out of a girl. I'm not very emotional, even to my family, and I've heard multiple times that nothing fazes me.

All the guys I've dated have all said absolutely ridiculous things. Prime example is the last guy you gave me advice on. My brother called him to talk 'about something important' and the guy assumed that it was to make sure his intentions were honorable and so my feelings weren't hurt. Then he laughs and says 'But you don't have feelings, right? We both know that'.

The guys I've dated will sometimes make a comment about another girl and then quickly do a side glance to gauge my reaction.

Is this normal or is to see if 'the wall' (as my mom calls me) actually has emotions???

VictorM's advice:

Keeping cool and in control is fine, but what I think most people look for is feedback.

Since you're becoming a regular (by the way, I suggest that you join the ARGville Forum -- it's easier to have ongoing "conversations" there) I'll ask you a question: do you believe your reactions are internally processed by you as "it's a topic of little or no interest, hence the lack of reaction" or is it a case of not wanting people to know how you feel because you think it might reveal weakness on your part?

Submitted on Thursday, August 20, 2009
By: amber
Age: 27
Location: waterloo
Question: I am married, unhappy, and met a nice guy. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You should worry that the nice guy will turn out exactly like your husband. After all, you married him because he must have been a nice guy when you met him, no? What makes you think this new guy will be any different?

In any case, as long as you're married, you should focus on that: either repair your marriage or end it. Nothing else should matter at this point.

Submitted on Thursday, August 20, 2009
By: Ruby
Age: 18
Location: UK
Question: OK, basically this my problem more than anything... I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and he's pretty much perfect. He treats me right and doesn't give me reason to worry, though for some reason I've become terribly insecure. I'm not usually the jealous type but I think this is the first time I've felt this strongly about someone and I just keep thinking of the worst case scenario. I worry that because I don't see myself as the prettiest, best option, one day he might not. I know it all sounds stupid but I'm becoming ridiculous and I need to find a way to relax. This just isn't me!

VictorM's advice:

Of course he gives you reason to worry -- he perfect! I mean, being too good can be a problem. I know of a case here in the USA where the husband filed for divorced claiming that his wife was too perfect, too good for him, and that it was putting too much pressure on him because he couldn't live up to her standards.

If you lived everyday with the idea that he wasn't so perfect, than your fear of losing it all wouldn't be so great. His lack of reasons for you to worry is... worrisome.

You need to find a blemish on him. Something, somewhere. I mean, come on, hasn't he texted you minutes after what you expected? How about taken his eyes off you to look at a girl walking by? Come on! If he's human he has to have done it. How about not telling you that you're beautiful at the precise moment you needed to hear it?

If the answers are no, then dump his perfect ass! He isn't human! Or... you're not looking hard enough and letting yourself be fooled. Which I suspect, is what is really worrying you.

Submitted on Thursday, August 20, 2009
By: nina
Age: 26
Location: utah
Question: Ok so I started dating a guy and he was really into me. I wasn't ready for a relationship just yet so i let him know and we decided to just hang out, kinda date and just see where it went. He had a lot on as well as his ex who he had a 'one last time' with 7 months ago is 7 months pregnant and so that was a huge issue but i wasn't too concerned as we were just good friends and i wasn't ready for relationship anyways BUT then i began to really, really, like him as we started hanging out we ended up finding out just how much we had in common! how well we got along and it was crazy. he would call/txt every day and was totally smitten.

i told him i started to like him and he said he definitely felt the same which i knew already as he had told me few times before. we decided to take it as it came as i still didn't know if i was ready or not (i'm only 6 months out of last relationship but feel like been single much much longer as it was over well before that but still i was in a relationship for years and not about to jump into another one).

trouble is, his ex told him she is going to leave to go home. seems she is only on a student visa anyways and has no family etc here. he got very upset as he is very confused about it all as it is his child and he feels a lot of guilt and the possibility of him not seeing his child be born, grow up etc. is very hard for him to think about. she asked him to make a decision......be with her and she will stay or if she is going to be alone she will go home. which i pretty much understand as does he. bare in mind he is there for her it's just not the same, he takes her to all appointments, helps her pay her rent etc. as she is not working and so on. he was very stressed when she told him this (he let me know about it as soon as she asked him and after they had discussed it) he told me he was angry and did not know what to do and that he hated himself. he said it was one of those 'its the end moments'. he also said he felt he couldn't be an arse to his kid.

since then i gave him some space as i knew he needed to make this big decision and i felt like i needed to stand back. he txt me quite a few times saying how amazing i was and all that. anyways the day after she gave him the ultimatum they had an ultra sound so i didn't contact him all day and he didn't me. it was first time we went a day without contact. he text me late the next day saying he had had crazy couple days and i wrote back but he didn't reply. even tho i asked specifically 'are u ok?" in my txt i also offered support and told him i understood and that's why i was giving him space.

after he didn't reply i waited a day and txt him 'ok i get the hint'. he didn't reply until a day later sayin 'sorry, i had a black out at my house and lost everything electrical virtually i'm so so sorry'. i txt back albeit a lot later (8 hrs) as i had left my phone at home and he never replied and hasn't since.

i have sent him a txt since saying are we ok? if not please let me know, i hope ur ok, i understand your position so if we can't date anymore i would understand etc. but that i would be gutted and of course wish it wasn't the case but understand. i also said i hoped he didn't think i didn't care or something ( i said this because in the past he has said i can be closed off). i also asked him to let me know if we were ok or not and if i didn't hear from him then i guess i would have my answer anyways and i hoped he was ok. no reply.

thing is i wouldn't be gutted if he did get back with her i would understand, i wouldn't be gutted if he did want to stop dating BUT i AM gutted he just never wrote me back, never let me know like he cared that little.

so is it that he just didn't like me and everything was bs? even though he was always so open to me about so much, including his ex, and he was super caring, calling me ASAP when i had a tough day, sending me txts few times a day, telling me he was sorry but that he couldn't help but have feelings for me etc etc.

even our last txt before i gave him space the day he had his ultra sound etc. was saying how amazing i was and thanks for caring about him etc.

VictorM's advice:

It's fair to assume that he was into you as much as he said he was. Maybe he just has technical issues with his phone and will get back to you, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's come to realize that you're a selfish, pain in the ass.

You started by saying you didn't want a relationship and that you were giving him space to deal with a major decision, and yet you flood him with petty and annoying text messages about getting the hint and being gutted, as if you were some kind of dead fish. The guys is dealing with a decision about his child and you are freaking out over a text message reply that didn't come back within an acceptable time table for you? Dear lord, and you call that giving him space? And now you're gutted over a text message? Have some sense of proportion, please.

If this is indeed what happened, it is normal for the turn off to be as severe as the attraction was intense. And that would explain his sudden disappearance without an explanation.

But then again, you said that if you didn't hear from him you'd have your answer. You said that. You gave him an out. He didn't reply. You have your answer.

Submitted on Wednesday, August 19, 2009
By: Chelsea
Age: 14
Location: Texas
Question: I have been dating this guy named Luke on and off since the 6th grade and I have fell in love with him but we broke up this year and I have just gotten to the point where I just want someone else because all he does is tell me how he made a mistake when he broke up with me, but he won't ask me back out, but I want him, and I want him bad...so what do I do? I would trade any guy just to be with him.

VictorM's advice:

Does he know that you want him back? That's the first thing you need to do, to make sure he knows. After that, if he still doesn't ask you out, ask him out yourself. If he says no, next time he says he made a mistake breaking you with, tell him to go fuck himself and stop being a jerk. That might do it. Guys like spirited girls. :)

Submitted on Tuesday, August 18, 2009
By: Jovita Medina
Age: 32
Location: sylmar
Question: My husband and I two days ago we meet our neighbor and she happens to be my age and her husband forty-five and she is good looking. Should i worry?

VictorM's advice:

No. Worry is a useless human emotion. We all feel it, to some extent or another, but it's still useless. What will happen will happen whether you worry about it or not.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 18, 2009
By: Nina
Age: 19
Location: Manhattan
Question: I met this guy Gio in class 7 months ago, I was getting out of a relationship and we became close friends. I was told he was a player, but I never thought we were anything but friends so I never worried. In the past 5 months, he's been flirting a lot more, gets jealous when I talk to other guys, he would text me every single day and we would talk on the phone all the time, all of my friends say he likes me. However Gio will not admit it. We both send mixed signals and I finally got sick of it. This week I went on a date with someone else. I told Gio about it and he was curious about it, however he hasn't spoken to me since. What should I do now?

VictorM's advice:

Gio clearly likes you. His interest in you was never friendship; guys have no need for female friends. He was a de facto boyfriend, getting to know you by spending time with you, without the actual title of boyfriend and girlfriend. Guys generally do this because while a relationship means security to girls, to guys it means loss of freedom. So guys prefer to do the "friendship" thing first to make sure you're what they're looking for before they give up on other girls.

He will either get over it and come around again, or his interest in you has vanished, in which case you won't hear from him again. So, which is it? When a guy goes over 5 months with just flirting and talking, there's a good chance he just likes you for flirting and talking. Meaning, he's reached the peak of his interest in you and it never kicked into a higher gear.

The jealousy and now this silence are a reflection of the impact of your actions on his ego, not a reflection of feelings for you.

What should you do? You should do whatever eases your mind the most. Do you feel like calling him? Call him. You feel like sitting around and waiting? Wait. Do you feel like dating other guys? Date. It won't make much of a difference because the bottom line is that Gio and you probably are thinking the same thing, even if you may not be willing to admit it: after 7 months of knowing each other, you're cool with each other, but neither one of you thinks the other one is so special.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 18, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 21
Location: Michigan
Question: I'm truly in love for the first time. My problem is I'm afraid to ask him if he feels the same way. I have a strong feeling that he "likes" me but i'm not sure if its love. We worked together and spent almost everyday together outside of work. I started noticing little things he would do. like singing to me. he never did it before i mentioned i liked it for guys to sing to me. he would always find away to brush up against me or touch me in some way. he loved making eye contact with me and a lot of the time he would stare at my lips when i would talk to him. he is always really flirty with me and loves to be touchy feeling with me. he kind of does the high school thing where he'll tease me and start fights with me over the smallest things and ten seconds later he's over it. what i'm asking is if i'm right about his feelings toward me? should i pursue it further with him and tell him my feelings are stronger and that i want to be with him?

VictorM's advice:

I would advise not to tell him how you feel. More often than not, it backfires. Here's why:

Guys do not fall in love in the same way girls do. Guys fall in lust, hence all the touching and looking at your lips. While you profess to be in love, that won't happen for real from his side for a while longer. It takes guys much longer to establish deep roots than it does girls. Meanwhile, they love the little games that you described, and love the feeling of seducing you. Uncertainty fuels a guy's desire while he's getting to know you better; certainty chokes that desire and they often give up.

In matters of love, whether it's having sex or navigating through the courtship phase, you should proceed at the pace of the slowest one. Be encouraging with him (flirt, smile, spend time with him) but also be a little mysterious. Let him chase you and seek you out. Be patient.

Submitted on Sunday, August 16, 2009
By: Sandy
Age: 35
Location: virginia
Question: I want him back. So I was going out with this guy for about 2 months and everything was going great. Then a whole bunch of bad stuff happened. He got into a bicycle accident, he lost his job, his ex started fighting him over custody of his kids. We continued to date, if you can call it that, for an additional 2 months, but only saw each other rarely. I was getting a little frustrated with the situation, so I told him that maybe we should not see each other so he could focus on this other stuff he had going on, but maybe things could work out for us later. A couple of weeks after that I was talking to him and told him that I felt like I had made a mistake. He said he wasn't sure about seeing me again. Obviously, I was disappointed. I was reading this article online that said to get a man back you should write a letter telling him that you agree with the break up, so I did. So I don't really know if I should have done that. Do you have any advice at this point? Should I call him at all at this point?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know where you read that, or if you even read it correctly, but that's not the advice I would recommend at all.

What you did when you broke up with him is you wounded his ego. Even if a guy isn't that into you, being dumped has that affect. And when a guy's ego is wounded in this manner, it's hard to get over it unless and until we can inflict some pain of the source of that wound -- in this case, you. How do we inflict that pain? Well, we start by saying things like "I'm not sure about seeing you again." Is that an actual wish? Not really. It's a way to lash back. Don't be surprised if other such words or actions of rejection follow.

Keep in mind that men don't do this conscientiously. It's not like he's planning to hurt you. It's just a basic instinct. To get a better understanding, think about this: if you offend a little boy, he will call you ugly or some such thing. And every wounded men reverts to his inner offended child. He needs to know that he has hurt you to be able to get past his own hurt.

So, what to do? Let him know that he has hurt you. Fake it if you have to. "When you said to me you're not sure about seeing me again, it hurt my feelings so much." Can you fake cry? Do it. Need to peel an onion to cry? Go for it. This works to your benefit in 2 ways: 1) by making him feel that he's hurt you, you start healing him; 2) guys will swing completely to the other side because guys hate hurting women (remember that I said he needs to hurt you at a subconscious level; at a conscious level we grow up believing we're creeps if we make women cry).

So... next time you talk to him and he says something that's meant to stop you on your tracks... let him know you're hurt... feign it if you have to.

Some of you may be wondering about all this faking stuff and whether it's appropriate. But remember, you're dealing with a little boy in the body of a grown men. Once we get him back to the grown up version, the games should end.

Oh one last important thing. When you say you're hurt, make it clear that you know he has every right to. Reverse psychology works wonders in cases like this. Example:

You: When you said to me you're not sure about seeing me again, it hurt my feelings so much
Him: You're the one who broke up with me.
You: I know, I know you're so right, and you have every right to be mad at me, still, it breaks my heart to hear you say that (tears rolling down your face).

Submitted on Sunday, August 16, 2009
By: Kina
Age: 32
Location: VA
Question: I'm in the midst of a divorce, my husband and I have been separated for 7 months. I became friends with a guy eight years younger than me. . We would talk all the time, hang out, go to lunch, movies, etc. Things became physical three months ago. For a moment it felt like a relationship...we spent a ridiculous amount of time together, always on the phone, always texting. We had a conversation in July about where this was headed because it felt like a relationship without the title. He and I agreed that we liked things as they were, but he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I'm not either because of my situation, but if things continued as they were, I knew that I may very well want that down the line. We said we would stop sleeping together to salvage our friendship. Now he doesn't call as much and we still spend time together, just not like before. We've been intimate again too. What I don't understand, if a man was doing everything that he would do in the context of a relationship, how can you say you're not ready for one?

VictorM's advice:

In the "How well do you know men?" test, you get an F.

Women see a relationship as safety; men see it as loss of freedom. So if we can get away with sex and attention and no commitment? We'll sign up in a hurry. And do we even have to have feelings for such a woman? No, not at all. All we need is to generally like her, or at least be able to put her with her; anything better is just a perk.

Oh, by the way, the other thing you need to learn about are hidden words. The actual expression: "I'm not ready for a relationship" really means: "I'm not ready for a relations WITH YOU." It's just that saying those last 2 words deprives us of a lot of sex, so we keep them to ourselves.

Submitted on Sunday, August 16, 2009
By: Gryphon Jones
Age: 17
Location: Illinois
Question: Okay. I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for 4 years and i know for an absolute fact that I love him. We both feel really comfortable around each other and hang out a lot. But over the summer we broke up and did our own thing with minimal contact with each other. I never stopped loving him and told him this a few times. Then not long ago we were talking and he told me that he still wanted to be with me and thought we should get back together. I happily obliged and now we're dating again. But before we broke up we'd get kinda steamy whenever we were alone. Never had sex but still it got kinda hot. Its been awhile since I've been with a guy because I never quite got over him so I feel kinda nervous about him wanting to get all hot and steamy like we used too.

My question is will he be expecting us to start doing "things" right off the bat? And if I tell him that I'm not ready to do that yet, will he get upset with me?

VictorM's advice:

Hot and steamy is guys' favorite weather forecast. It's like mud to pigs (no pun intended). Yes, he will be looking to get hot and steamy just about... now!

How he reacts to you saying no should have nothing to do with you saying no. So just say no.

Nina, Nina, Nina... you're not listening to me...

A shy guy will send out signals in opposition to what he really thinks because he doesn't trust other not to ridicule him if they found out.

I keep telling you to spend time with him alone, you keep telling me stories of how you went as a group. Grrrr :-)

Also, do NOT expect guys to behave as if they are madly in love with you. I say all the time that gets feels lust and get to know you over time before feelings develop. Don't expect this guy to be in love with you already. He's attracted to you. Feelings only develop if he spends time with you. Now, there is no guarantee that he'll fall for you, but you're writing to me as if you're expecting him to be in love with you already. It's not the way things normally work. Not with decent guys. The guys who only want sex can spew the pretty words that women crave to hear; decent guys don't do that.

Submitted on Sunday, August 16, 2009
By: Not Important
Age: 16
Location: Not Important
Question: Hi Victor,
I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend about 7 months. The first 5 months everything was great.We hang out together, share everything, laughing together...talking about everything, and every problem we had. He made things that makes me happy, and I made it too.

But now it's different. These 2 months are like we are in the hell. We are arguing for every little thing. We haven't big problems,we are just fighting all the time, for little details. I'm so unhappy now. But I love him. I'm alert about that now. Before I wasn't.

We broke up once, and that last about 3 days. That was for his fault, and he was thinking that that was for my fault, but It doesn't! In this 2 months he is so changed. He puts me down,or..how do I say..he tease me for a false word..etc. That makes me feel so stupid, like Im stupid..And Im not stupid at all.He wants to control my life..He doesn't want to spend my time with some friends that hurt me, not so bad, but they hurt me (but I already forgive them). He doesn't like even my best friend with who I've been the whole life. Im so angry about this, and I talk to him for this. Im so nervous.This hurts me.Im feeling so bad.I'm not doing the things that makes me happy.

Before,I was spending my whole time with my friends, dancing, and laughing and we were having such a good times! And when I started this relationship everything changed! I don't know how to save this relationship and how to explain to him that I don't want to be this way. Oh, and know..When I want to say something in opposition of him..he says that I have a "big mouth" and that every fight is about me. He is 22 and Im 17.I know that this is a big balance but that's it.
Im sorry for my english and for this disturbing..

mm,and I've searching the net when I found this..
Emotional abuse- is this possible in my case?

I answer these questions..

*Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it? Yes


*Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings? Yes

*Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you? Yes

*Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes? Yes

*Do you have to account for every moment of your time? Yes

*Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong? Sometimes.Our fight ends with that that Im guilty..

Sorry once again for my english..Greets.

P.S-I forgot- We haven't hang out together alone, this 2 months..We are with his best friend and my cousin all the time (they are in a relationship too), and when Im talking for this,he says that we have nothing to talk about,except fighting.

VictorM's advice:

Your English is perfect compared to the clarity of your thinking. Stating all that you did about how he treats you and then saying "but I love him" is sad because you have to consider: control and abuse only happens IF YOU let it happen. And saying "but I love him" is the same as handing him the keys to a lifetime prison for you.

The first 5 months were the exception; the last 2 months are the closest view you'll have to what your life will be like. Except that it'll only get worst.

"But I love him" is not good enough reason to stay. "But I love him" is code language for "I'm weak and I have no willpower." "But I love him" is actually only giving you an excuse to stay weak. No, you're not in love with him; what you are is hiding, cowering, shrinking, giving up on life... and you're doing it so cowardly that you're blaming love for putting up with the abuse. You're not staying with him because you love him; you're staying because you're afraid.

But, never mind where you have been for the last few months. You wrote this question. You searched the internet. You are taking steps to fight back. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." I think you're starting to realize that. Don't give up and don't get stuck on the possibilities of the first 5 months -- those days were an illusion, a trick, a false promise.

Submitted on Sunday, August 16, 2009
By: rose
Age: 34
Location: burleson texas
Question: Hi Victor,
my guy recently ended things with me. Yet he contacted me after 2 weeks and asked to meet we did and talked for 7 hours. Told me through out the night I do love you and i know i neglected you.

He had heard through the grapevine i had been asked out multiple times . He of course wanted to know who and if i planned to date any of them or anyone. He re enforced that he had no plans to date any one just needed time to "fix" himself. I told him we broke up doesn't matter any more. He seem to get quite jealous. Then even said I know all your rules you don't just sleep around you have to be with someone at least 3 months before that happens. Which is true. He said I don't know what the future holds, we could end up back together.

Well today he was helping me with my computer and I asked if it would bother him if he heard i dated anyone. He said a bit and the came back with: "Are you considering this are going to date someone?.... I'm not... Don't throw in the towel on us ok please don't." WTF? Good grief you either want me or not...... What is this all guy babble mean? He doesn't want to be with me but don't date any one else....ugh help

VictorM's advice:

In one word: control.

He wants things his way and doesn't want you to have your way. It's a form of control.

I bet if you think closely about what it was like when you were together, a pattern of control emerges, even if taking in parts things might have been too insignificant for you to notice.

When a guy wants out and behaves as he's doing, you're really much better off cutting all contact with him. Nothing good is going to come from being entangled with him. Find someone else to help you with the computer.

Submitted on Saturday, August 15, 2009
By: Hanna
Age: 26
Location: NJ
Question: So I have been friends with Jacob for almost two years now. We often hung out and had a casual flirtation going on even as we were both dating others and it was harmless. We are both very sarcastic and bantered constantly.

About 2 months ago we were all hanging at a friends house and when it came time to go to bed, we cuddled up together and ended up sleeping together. Since then it seems to have evolved into something more but I would love an outside guys perspective, as many of the guys I am friends with are also friends with him as well and I don't want to create awkwardness.

So after the intial hook up, we were very quiet about everything, as we work together and I was just coming out of a relationship. We continued hanging with our friends but also began seeing each other outside of work (he came over a few nights to hang, we went out for his birthday, he helped me move, he installed my flat screen tv).

As people began to catch on a bit, we joked it off at first and then he told me that he had no problem if people knew what was up and that it was my call what I wanted to say. I said I didn't want to put pressure on things and to just let it roll and see what happened.

About a month after our initial getting together, he asked me to come to his sister's wedding, which was that weekend and which he hadn't been planning on taking a date to. It turned out to be a very small small affair (maybe 20-30 people) and we were all bunking together in a few hotel rooms. A very close family affair. I have also just gone to the larger wedding reception that was for the extended family and friends.

He has done things like make me breakfast and told me he wants to meet my father, and taken me out for a fantastic birthday dinner in addition to coming out and celebrating on my actual birthday.

I am a huge overanalyzer, and I tend to get worried (I initiate texting about 70% of the time which is one things I wonder about the meaning of). Granted, he has just begun a grad program at school that has him doing things at weird times, but I just tend to worry a bit and rather than seem like a nag and bug him, I would like to get a guy read on how the relationship seems to be starting out and where his behavior might indicate that it is heading.

VictorM's advice:

All the signs point, very clearly, to a guy who is very much into you and taking things very seriously. If you want a guarantee, buy a TV (oops, you just did) because romance offers no such thing. Falling in love is a risky proposition that comes with great rewards or massive heartache. Yes, it's scary, but it doesn't come with a safety net.

Now, you freaking women are going to ruin the world with this silly texting obsession. You should be making plans to build a statue to this guy if he's texting you first 30% of the time. That's a lot for a guy! So get used to it: the texting will most likely decrease as you move forward with the relationship. If it does, it's normal! Most guys are puzzled and annoying by this digital umbilical cord you want to attach us to. Texting is evil! It's annoying. It's going to be the end of civilization if you women don't come to your senses about it.

OK... simmering down...

I feel better now. :)

Submitted on Saturday, August 15, 2009
By: kellyy
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: hey, i am going crazy so i thought i would ask for some advice.

Ok so im best friends with this guy for about 3 years now.. we went to prom together, texted each other on a daily basis, acted like we dated for a short period of time, meaning like calling each other all the time, hanging out, being touchy feely in public, but we never kissed. we always talk about the 'what ifs' between us, but in a really sarcastic way, like 'oh i missed out on it' or stuff that now, because hes had a girlfriend for the past year, which completely changed our relationship the moment they went out :| which hurt me because we were really close, then she came along and just stuff changed. but anyways, were really close and he doesn't have many guy friends - and he like lost some of his friends while hes in this relationship, so then whenever he's fighting with the gf he comes to me, or whatever the situation.. we're that close where we come to each other for everything. It just sucks because i've liked this kid for 3 years :| and never acted on feelings even when he made a few moves on me, because i was scared and didn't know if he wanted to be more then friends, i felt like it was a fantasy in my head, the texts he would send me and how he'd touch my face and things... and recently him and his gf got into a fight, which they are now on a break" but he still wants her back, and is convincing her to stay with him. yet he'll talk to me until 4 in the morning, on the computer, or texting.. and he'll want to see pics of me with a sexy top, or he'll lay on top of me when were hangin out, just being cute.. and he'll say things that will just make me always wonder if he could like me even though he's 'in love' with his girlfriend.. he's just settling on her because he doesn't like being alone, he said - but then she's a bitch and he still wants her to be his girlfriend.. idk i just don't know what to do, i know people say to get over it, or just wait for the guy to break up with the gf- but like i've been doing my own thing- and not caring and trying to look at other guys and stuff, but its hard when he's my close guy friend - and it's hard to even say friend- because the things we say to each other and the way we're like sexual towards each other doesn't even seem like we are just friends, people always noticed it. and he'll like hide me if he's talking on the phone with her - cause he doesn't want his gf to know i'm like in the car with him or something because me and his gf don't like each other. idk it just pisses me off cause i want more then anything to be with him, but i don't know if it's a lost cause, because now they are like working out their problems. and im still left here like- wtf? don't you want me? uhg i don't know, its been like this for almost 3 years.. and i cant tell him how i feel, i just wanted to act on it when he was single you know? but that seems like its never guna friggen happen.. idk what do you think?

VictorM's advice:

You shouldn't get over him, but you shouldn't continue to behave as if you didn't care. He has a girlfriend, so what are you doing sending him sexy pictures? Being in his car behind her back? Not acting on your feelings even when he come on to you? Letting him lay on top of you? Being sexual with each other?

If he gets all that, with no commitment, no responsibility, and gets to fuck another girl, well, why not?

You may call his girlfriend a bitch, but chances are that she just stands up for herself. In that respect, she has more balls than you and consequently, gets his respect. And demanding respect is a sexy trait, which is why he goes back. Right now, you're just acting like you're a second thought and you're fine with it.

So, first, be honest with yourself and admit that you've been a mat, a weakling, a passive force in your own life, acting as if you have no role in your own future. Then, start demanding respect: you're either his exclusive girlfriend and lover or he's just a regular friend without the extra perks he's been enjoying. And stop hiding your interest in him from him.

Submitted on Saturday, August 15, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 30
Location: New England
Question: Alright... I'm single... he's single. We have many things in common, both very busy with work and no time for relationships. I thought he was smart, very polite to me all the time and of course sexy... but I never let on because we worked together. He left the company. we still kept in touch via email but nothing ever happened... until.... 3 years ago (2yrs after working together) my job brought me closer to where he was. We started having lunch together, then dinner, then hanging out, going to games together, etc. Then the sex started... GREAT sex i must add. So it's been 3 years of this now. I'm still single, so is he. neither of us has been in a relationship this entire time. He doesn't talk about getting into one & neither do I. I must say before we started having sex we were good friends, knew a lot about each other etc. So now here comes the drama. I fell for him... pretty hard which is bad I know and I don't fall easily. I think is has to do with I'm so comfortable around him, he is very intuitive... can tell when something is off with me immediately... without even hearing me. i'm afraid to tell him I've fallen for him and want a real relationship. I'm afraid he will run for the mountains! Do i tell him & cut my losses if he rejects me or do I keep the status quo? HELP!

VictorM's advice:

The problem is that there will be no status quo. Under the circumstances, your relationship will increasingly leave you feeling progressively worst. Sooner or later, you will have to speak your mind. By waiting, you're just cheating yourself. Three years is long enough for both of you to know what you want.

If he's so intuitive, what makes you think he doesn't already know how you feel about him? If you have this conversation with him I don't know if he'll run for the hills or not, but I don't think it'll come as a surprise.

Either way, what's better: struggling to hold on to something that leads nowhere or struggling to find someone to lead somewhere? That's your call.

But I'll say this: there is no future in continuing to be his fuck buddy. In your mind that may not be what you are, but if he's not willing to move to the next, that's all you'll be.

Submitted on Saturday, August 15, 2009
By: Silly Teenage Girl
Question: Okay, I hardly see any answers for teenagers on here, so I don't think this will be answered. But I really need guy help!!! So I went out with this guy last year, but he wasn't exactly my type. In other words, too much of a nerd. So I broke up with him but we stayed great friends.

Well, over the summer he totally changed. For me. He looks like a total hottie! So I started liking him again (call me a slut loser whatever I have a weakness for cute guys) but there was this other guy.

This other guy I'm really close to asked me out last night. I really like him a lot, but what about the first guy??!!

Please help Victor!!

VictorM's advice:

So you like two guys and don't want to ruin it with either. Well, why do you have to be with one or the other? Why can't you be with both? You have been up until now, right? Just because one guy asks you out doesn't mean you have to say yes or no. You can say you're not ready for a relationship yet but want to continue seeing him and when you're ready you'll let him know.

Submitted on Saturday, August 15, 2009
By: Bianca
Age: 19
Location: Nevada
Question: I met this guy when I was 12. It was love at first sight call me crazy but it was. It was like something straight out of a movie. we met at a school dance... i saw him from across the room as he saw me our eyes met... we talked to our friends... our friends talked to each other... they introduced us to each other... we exchanged names and then he asked me out and without hesitation i said yes. we danced the night away and had a lot of fun.

since then we have basically been together. we dated three years stright until we had got to high school. before we got to high school i was worried hed find someone else and leave me and he told me not to worry it would happen. what did happen was we ended up having all our classes together which was INSANE and with seeing each other all day at school and then outside of school we started to really get sick of each other.. well in the middle of our frshman year i ended thing with him... and it was the hardest thing i ever did and i cried for months about it and thought constantly that i made a mistake. well a year had passed and before we knew it we were back together again up untill the end of our senior year.

this time things had just got crazy for us... my health stated getting bad and then his grandpa was in the hospital on his death bed and we tried so hard to be there for each other and did the best we could but as time went on he started smoking pot again.. he had done it a few times when we were like 14 and stopped. but he started to smoke pot and started to lie to me about things which really pissed me off cause i knew him better than anyone or anything i mean he was my world. and one night he hung out with his friend whom was not happy he was with me cause then he did not have him "smoking" buddy or some shit but i had no clue he was even smoking pot until my sisters girlfriend had spilled the beans. my sister and i are not fans of the whole smoking pot thing at all.

my sisters and her girlfriend had broke up this one night cause she went to this party and wanted to smoke pot and pretty much fuck around with who ever was there. well she called my sister the next day and told her about what had happened and that my boyfriend had kissed her... safe to say this made me furious! and i talked to others at this party and they told me all about how she was all over him and wouldnt leave him alone and shit at the party so i just wanted to kick her ass.. she broke my sisters heart and shes suppose to be one of my best friends... yet she did that to me....

i cussed him out told him what an asshole he was and that i didnt want to see him. so he showed up at my house to talk to me and i told him we could go somehwere and talk cause i was not going to yell and scream at him in front of my family. well he told me he was sorry and dumb and he knows he fucked up big time but im the one he wants to be with and i knew that. so i took him back

that summer shit for us was unreal. he would lie to me about who he was with and what he was doing so again we broke up. and well during this time.. he had had sex with one of his exs(from the first time we broke up) and my worst enemy with in the same week and then we got back together like two three weeks later but he failed to mention any of that to me... i didnt find out untill months later when we broke up for what i thought might be good. and well i kicked his ass safe to say. but i guess i couldnt be too mad at him considering during that time i was seeing this guy anthony and everyone seemed to think i was so mad he had sex with them because well me and had NEVER had sex which was kinda odd considering we were head over heels for each other crazy in love and we had both had sex with other people after the first time we broke up just never have with each other. and thats not the case i was just pissed cause well the one i love... why would i even want to hear any of that you know?

since he turned into this HUGE pot head and hes done a few other drugs and started selling and everything as well and found him self a great girl who turned out to be a whore.. like she really had sex with random people for money but thats beside the point....

they broke up and me and well i had seen a few people since me and him ended and well im single. and somehow me and him found our way back to each other again like always. i really honestly believe he is the love of my life. he stayed the night with me the other night and we sat up talking for hours about everything and how we're both a mess without the other and hes so sorry for everything he had done to me and that hes going to prove to me that he messed up big time. and i had mentioned to him that im seeing this guy seth and he said look i understand if youre afraid to get back with me i really do and im not forcing you too but
youre the love of my life and ill love you till i die. even if were 50 and not together and i see you ill be like damn.. i still love her. and he told me that if i wanted i could even be with him and continue to see seth if thats what made me happy because my happiness is whats important to him. but then we started to talk about the whole smoking pot thing... and well ive done some growing up and am more accepting of it i guess but he does it way too much... and he said hes trying to quit or at least cut back and he knows the only way he can is with me around cause i keep him in line but he said he was still going to do it and well i can deal with that... but hes still selling and i told him thats the dumbest shit ever and i dont know if i can be with him if hes going to do that and hes like babe you know me... if youre back in my life ill straighten up... but idk... im just afraid hes lieing to me and im going to end up getting hurt or something again. but it is true that when hes with me hes the best and when hes not hes a screw up and i am without him too. and he keeps assuring me he really wants to be with me and hes going to prove it to me. and he even said since i was 12 the only thing i knew i wanted in my future was you and thats what i still want and he was like ive never thought id end up being with someone other than you. and asked if ive ever thought id end upwith someone else and well to be honest i havent.. hell when we were like 17 we were planning our wedding and shit with out families and since we've been broken up i have always known wed end up back together sooner or later... me and him are just meant to be... but i dont think i can deal with this shit.. i need you opinion and advice on the situation. i love him... i've been in love with him since that day in may when i first laid my eyes on him and i don't picture my future any other way than with him. but like i said i'm scared...i believe everything he said to me i really do... but i'm still scared... help???

thank you.

Bianca<3!

VictorM's advice:

Good thing I have a strong stomach or else I'd be puking all over the place.

Bianca, you're like a walking romance novel, spewing poisonous nonsense every step of the way... love at fist sight... the love of my life... we're meant to be... I can't picture a future without him... blah blah blah.... I say: bullshit!

You're two kids hooked on drugs (him on pot, you on him), and hallucinating with visions of love when in fact you're both using declarations of undying love just to hide what has been a relationship filled with deceit and lies by him, and gross gullibility and unrealistic expectations by you.

What you are scared of is realizing that your little dream of a romance novel relationship is but a fantasy, and instead of some prince charming, you're hooked on a lying, cheating pothead.

But fear not, some day you'll have enough. That day just hasn't come yet.

Submitted on Saturday, August 15, 2009
By: Aurora
Age: 18
Location: USA
Question: I saw this guy Jake when I was 15 and he was 14. I was walking up the bleachers to a football game and I looked up and there he was. Instantly I was attracted. I thought he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever laid my eyes on. Only there was one problem. He had a girlfriend. So time went on and eventually they broke up and as soon as I heard I had written him a note that told him how I was attracted to him. From that moment on things between us were weird. It always seemed as if he wanted to talk to me but was afraid. Well more time went on and I ended up getting back with my boyfriend of like three years leaving Jake completely out of the picture. I felt there was no chance so why bother.

Anyway another year had passed and my sister and I had walked to the store by our house and as we turned from my street on to another I looked over and what did I see?It was Jake and me being me I got all school girl like and started giggling and smiling and talked about how cute I thought he was. Well while we were in the store Jake had walked in and me being me i hurried up to pay for my stuff just so I could stand by him so thats what happened. As Jake left he turned to me and gave me his change and for some odd reason this made me happy and safe to say he was on my mind a lot and it turned out that Jake had lived at that house for a while I just never knew.

Another year or so has passed since that day and me and my boyfriend of pretty much five years have been broken up for quite some time.Anyway I was walking down the street to go get my dog because he tends to get out a lot and goes to this one lady's house on the corner and I was dreading going over there because this lady tried to steal my dog and she even shaved his fur off and gave him a collar once. Well on my way to this house Jake was driving down my street which was odd cause I hadn't seen him in a while. We'd always see each other in school and of course look at each other but that was all it ever was with us. As he was driving by he stopped and waved at me and said hello. When I got home I told my sister about it and turns out Jakes dad lives at the corner house with the crazy lady.... weird.

I thought a lot about Jake for a few days and it drove me crazy knowing he could be four houses down from me visiting his dad. I wanted to talk to him but I didnt know how. I remembered he use to have a myspace but i would frequently go to his page and he hadnt signed on in years. So what did i do? I searched for him on myspace to see if he may have made another one and well there he was. So i tried to send him a request but couldnt cause im older than him so i wrote him a message asking him to send me a request because well i couldnt. He sent me a request and a message that said." Hey beautiful how are you" my face lit up like the fourth of July. Anyway we had sat on myspace talking for a few minutes and I had to leave to help a friend with something but he gave me his number to call him. So I called him the next day and we talked like all night. It was crazy. He brought up the notes i had written him and confessed that he had a crush on me as well but just never said anything and when he finally wanted to make a move i was already back with my ex. He also admitted that he purposely went to the store that one day just so he had an excuse to see me and that he use to drive his four wheeler in front of my house just incase i was outside so he would see him and told me all about how he would stare at me in the halls and at lunch when we had that together and it made me feel good to know i wasnt the only one with the cute pathetic crush. so he asked me to hang out with him on Sunday and I agreed and told him to call me before. Well i guess he thought i was going to call him or something and there was some miscommunication. So i sat around waiting and waiting for him to call. Eleven pm rolls around and he calls me and asks me where i was and i told him and it turns out he was at his dads.. but he didnt come get me cause he didnt want to feel weird or something...?

The next day comes around and again we had talked a few times during the day. It was my sisters birthday as well. Well I was sitting in my living room with a few friends of mine and then i see this truck racing down the road and it stopped in front of my house... and then pulled in my neighbors driveway and took off and i ran to the door in hope that it was jake and as i got to the door i watched him pull into his dads driveway. I got a friend and we decided to walk by his house and if he came out then that would be that and see what happened. we walked by and he wasnt outside so me and her walked around the block to make it not look so suspicious. well on our way back to my house i saw jake and he was walking down to my house to get me. so i ran into him and we all talked and then he knew it was my sisters birthday and wanted to come say hi to her so we did and then he had to leave cause i was about to go to the movies and i told him i should be home around 12:30 am and if he wants to chill he can call me. well i get home later than expected and he had called me like 4 times so i called back and he asked me to meet him at the corner by his house so i did and we hung out for a few hours and then i left. and when i got home i called him cause well i didnt really want to leave. as we talked he said he had wanted to kiss me and asked if i ever thought about kissing him? and i said yeah i had and told him he should have just done it. then he asked me when a good time to do it was... and i told him its lame to plan such a thing and it should just come naturally so he talked some more about it and finally i gave in and said meet me at the corner now! so at four in the morning i met him at the corner and he grabed me and kissed me.

IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING KISS I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE!

thats kinda saying a lot for me considering a few things but thats beside the point. When he pulled away i honesty had nothing to say...he left me speechless and all i said was DAMN so he grabbed me and kissed me again and this went on for a while and i finally told him i needed to go before i somehow get my self in trouble. so i walked away and he grabbed my hand pulled me back and kissed me and was fighting me to leave for a while but i finaly left and i went to bed a happy lady.

the next day i didnt hear from him at all he was suppose to be going up north bu still waiting to talk to him was driving me crazy especially after a night like that and he has no cell so he could exactly call me. Anway the next day came and again he drove in front of my house to try and get me to walk to his dads so i ended up there and we hung out and it was cool and our mutual friend ryan was there with us which kinda sucked because i wanted to be alone with jake but it was ok. Around midnight or so ryan left and it was just me and jake and i just grabbed him and kissed him.

well i ran home for a little bit and came back and me and him went on a walk and talked and it was good except everytime i tried to kiss him he would smile and pull away and kept telling me how big a tease he is and i have to work for it and stuff which i really dont mind. I like a challenge but enough is enough like everyday time i went to kiss him he did this. Sure hed grab me and kiss me and id be puddy in his hands but the second id go for it he'd do this and it was making me kinda mad. Times passed and ryan came back and the three of us were hanging out and i went back to my house and i got some pop and frosting... why im not sure but i did and we all ate it and then me and jake got into this frosting war and chased each other around trying to smear frosting all over the other and it was A LOT of fun. well we called a truce and i went to kiss him and again he did this stupid make me work for it thing.

and me well... i'm not exactly the most "feminine" chick on the block. like i burp and spit like a man and i really dont give a damn and every time i do one of those jakes always responds with if you're trying to gross me out its not working and i actually think its kinda hot... which was new to me but whatever lol and i told him that's just me he can take it or leave it. and whenever we go on our walks he thinks he talks to much and is getting on my nerves when hes clearly not. He also thinks i have an issue with him being random which i don't cause i'm random as hell myself. and when we hang out hes constantly asking me if i'm bored and if i want to go home. sometimes he asks me so much that it just makes me feel like hes trying to get rid of me... i don't know... maybe im just thinking to much about it.. and he had a lot of girl friends too and well im normally not the jealous type but for some odd reason i am with him and i have no clue why but i guess i have no room to be since i all my friends are guys or lesbians and well i'm a bisexual so its kinda the same thing... i dont know... i'm just really nervous with him... and him constantly asking me if i'm bored and want to go home is making me think hes trying to get rid of me and doesn't like me and then this whole making me work for his kisses thing.. driving me crazy. i wont lie its cute at first but after a while i want to kick him or something and i told him but he still does it... so i don't know... does he really like me or not or am i just thinking way too much into the situation. i mean whats with all the questions and this kissing game

VictorM's advice:

Oh dear lord... I'm exhausted after reading all of that. :-p

Despite his looks and all the previous girlfriends, he's just a very insecure boy. That's what all that asking if you're bored means. Maybe he's been made to feel by his any of his parents, or teachers that he's not too bright, or that he's boring, and now he fears you'll feel the same way. Ragging him for feeling that way won't help. You just have to be patient and let him build his confidence around you.

As for the kissing little game... well, I don't know why he does it but I don't see how it has anything to do with him not liking you. Sounds like a quirky thing, something that we all have in some measure. Believe me, to a lot of guys, your burping and spitting would be reason enough to run away. But if he's not getting the message that it annoys you, stop trying to kiss him for a while.

Submitted on Friday, August 14, 2009
By: cnfusedincolumbus
Age: 25
Location: columbus
Question: so, me and this guy i sort of know got drunk and had a hot make-out session. he asks for my number and then a few days later sends me flirtatious texts. i text him back but then he doesn't respond. i figured future hook ups were over but now he texts me and says he was busy with work and took a mini vacation too. is he still interested in hooking up, and why didn't he respond sooner?

VictorM's advice:

Why didn't he respond sooner? Because: "he was busy with work and took a mini vacation too."
"Hello, McFly! Anybody home?" :)

Sounds like he's still interest. He may, however, be waiting to have enough money to get drunk again.

Submitted on Friday, August 14, 2009
By: Iveta
Age: 16
Location: Uxbridge
Question: Hi,
The first guy is 18years old, and the second guy is 17years old

I am 16 years old I’ve kind of fell for this boy at this convention that I been to for 3 days ,He was staring at me all the way through when we both was waiting for this coach there was other people there too. He and his friends kept looking at me I was with 2 boys one of them made me laugh and pretty much I was really loud. His eyes were on mine every time I looked he looked it was like woh.He must of got his friends too look at me because all a sudden they were in a crowd and were looking at me. Every time he was talking to his friends he would look at me in the corner of his *eyes* I had 3 people watching him 2 boys and 1 girl, 3 of them claim that he does *Like Me* by the way he was looking at me. While no one was looking neither of his friends he turned his head on the side and made a quick contact to look at me they both did BUT I wasn’t watching my mum saw and while she looked at both they got embarrassed and looked away after. But still the boy kept looking at me, I could see him trying to get close to me and facing me allot while he was talking to his friends and the corner of his eyes says it all. One of my boy mate he was making fun out of him not sure if he saw but he took binoculars And looked at me him through them and his like “ I could see him but I was like oh my you should of not because he was facing me so he can see”. So after he done the same old thing for 3 days on the last day he didn’t look that much on me but as he got off the coach he kind of looked but quickly turned away and went off. He had this meeting and my 2 boy mates No him and one of them saw him there, His brother came up and asked who I was and what congregation and my boy mate told him. After he went to his brother (One that likes me), and told him something and went and sat down which I think it has to be about me. Few days I thought to myself I might is well email him and Add him, so I did I add him and Send him a message saying “Hi I’ve seen you at the convention and you was looking at me just wondering did you like the meeting ECT... And then I said bye” he came online on facebook for a few minutes he must of got my message but he didn’t reply for 4 days I’m thinking O.K what’s going on he must of being listening to his friend because his friend like me but he got a girlfriend.

Well Last night I was so mad so I do the right thing and I email him saying” How comes you didn’t get back to me blah blah Are you listening to your friends because I know one of your friends likes me ect... All I want to know why you were looking at me and all a sudden you’re blanking me. I’m not saying you’re going to go out with me all I’m saying is your friends are not going to be living with your girlfriend is you be living with her etc....the reason why I added you because I see you as a decent boy But maybe I’m wrong you can go listen to your friends I don’t care but listen your be the one choosing who you want to be with not them. Sorry I aint having ago but I just am confused that’s all.

I tell him that yesterday No replies from him. Ok his brother asked about me which I know his trying to get me to be with his brother I get it. But his not making any effort talking to me.Im doing all the work.

Did I do the wrong with? Am I pushing this too much.

Also I emailed his friend saying kind of same but saying “I got a feeling you like me through people. But listen if one of your mates likes me don’t try stop them ECT....What happen to you, you changed allot I liked the old you. I said quite more which am I afraid I did kind of go on and on but I wanted to say it because I just had it in my heart too much and I wanted to know if he did.
He replies “Stop talking to me I don’t know you, if you think I’m attracted to you then you must be a psycho”. What made me laugh is that he fancied me he followed me at this place etc...He fancies me but because his got a girlfriend now I thought to myself man I did the wrong thing. Today I wanted to email him I try finding him but his facebook is deactivated I don’t know did I really p**ss him off or is it because I told him the truth.
I like the first guy. The second guy is his friend and he likes me but I aint too sure but I got a feeling but I don’t care all I want to know did I scare him with my words or is he P**ss off.

I should of just left but it was bugging me for 1week.because the second guy doesn’t like my boy mate and gives him evils at this meeting and now is tryna get his mate (one I like) To not like my boy mate. So yeah I’m guessing it’s all to do with me. But aint too sure.
Right know I aint going to bother the second guy but if the first guy don’t reply then by Monday I will have to remove him from facebook and not chat to him. Because I’ve wasted my time.


Please help me and post as many comments as you like I do need help!
Have I done the right thing? To both.

Thanks

VictorM's advice:

There's a couple of things I'd like you to think about:

When a boy looks at you, there is a chance that he might like you, but mostly, all it says is that he's looking at you. Why? You never really know. Boys look at girls for a variety of reasons. It could be because they're in a boring situation and a pretty girls is a pleasant distraction. It could be because he actually finds you attractive, but really, there are millions of girls that a guy may find attractive. To draw the conclusion that a guy likes you or would want to talk to you, or have any kind of relationship just because he finds you attractive is to grossly misunderstand males. Even flirting is no sign of wanting to get together with a person. Looking and flirting are things that people (both boys and girls) might do for fun, to pass the time, to impress others, to inflate their ego.

The other thing you need to consider is that guys generally don't like being reprimanded. For you to do so when you haven't even talked to the guy is pushing it too far. You left a message on his facebook, fine. He has no obligation whatsoever to respond. To follow that up with a snippy message gives the guy no motivation at all.

You've got too much drama going on in your own young mind. Boys aren't likely to sit around and gossip and say this or that about girls. They either like you or they don't, and that's it. Doesn't sound like this boy is interested in you, except to maybe look at you.

Submitted on Friday, August 14, 2009
By: Jennifer
Age: 25
Location: Tennesse
Question: What can cause a guy to have mixed feelings? I found out that my boyfriend told one of his supposed female friends this about me and when I asked him about what he meant by it he claimed he told her that because he was mad at me that day. What's the translation for "mixed feelings"?

VictorM's advice:

As I say often, girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. It is the price we must be to be with someone we like, but really, most of us would prefer some roaming room. Having mixed feelings means wondering if it's worth giving up that freedom. What can cause that sentiment? A fight. Being mad that day. A moment of frustration.

It's not unhealthy or a sign that a relationship is about to fail if such thoughts cross his mind. It is, in fact, part of the process of deciding if the relationship is worth it.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: sofi
Age: 17
Location: brasil
Question: i met a guy at a party he approached me and we talked a lot. then he asked me to dance and we did for a long time then we kissed. I thought he would go back with his friends but he didn't. He asked me to go and sit with him to some chairs. We talked a lot about our interests, relationships, etc. He asked for my full name my age, etc. When i was leaving he said he would add me on fb so we could keep talking, he added me on monday and i accepted his friend request, but its thursday and he didn't write to me and he did use his fb this days. I added him on msn today but he hasn't talked to me, should i talk to him?

VictorM's advice:

Yes, message him. Even if he lost interest in you, at least you'd like to know, right?

I've been to Brazil more than once. I love the country but above all love the people. Why? Because when a Brazilian meets you, you feel like they love you. They give you so much attention and make you feel like the most important person in the world. And just when you start feeling that you're special, you realize they're that way with everyone.

Maybe you've noticed that, maybe not, but often it takes someone to see it from the outside to make it obvious to those on the inside. So... enjoy meeting new people but learn to place their enthusiasm for you in the proper perspective. Lembra: nem tudo que brilha e' ouro*.

* Translation for non-Portuguese speakers: Remember: not all that shines is gold.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: Nicole
Age: 24
Location: Texas
Question: Hi Vic!I just got out of a 9 month relationship about 3 months ago that was filled with turmoil. While we were together we fought constantly. The main reason we fought was because of his consistent refusal to stop talking to his ex-girlfriend.He was also very critical and judgmental of me; always making "suggestions" for how I should wear my hair or dress. He called me bitch several times, cursed me out, insulted my intelligence and my family and friends, gave me an STD, and tried to convince me that I was the crazy throughout the relationship. The relationship turned physical as well, as he and I had a physical fight. I will admit that following that I took him back and about 3 weeks later we broke up again for the seventh and final time. It took all that for me to walk away and never look back and I'm very proud of myself for that.

I know I was crazy for putting up with him for as long as I did and I know I shouldn't have kept taking him back. I did so much I said I never would while with him I now feel like I lost all of my power and am afraid to date anyone new because I'm afraid that I'll be too weak. I used to pride myself on being a strong woman and I'm ashamed of myself because I allowed him to tear me down.

After I found out about him talking to his ex (and another girl at the same time) I started having phone conversations with a guy I used to date.I felt bad about it because I felt like a hypocrite. Because of that and because I sent him some really nasty emails after the last breakup, I sent him an email apologizing about the nasty emails and for hiding the other guy from him. I'm now really regretting that I sent it because I felt it gave him the impression that all the crap he did to me is alright.

I don't want to habour hateful feeling towards him forever, but since we did breakup only 3 months ago from 9 months of hell, I feel like I shouldn't have apologized so soon. He actually called after I sent the email and left a voicemail. He never apologized for or owned up to any of the things he did. He acted as if everything was fine, which only made me regret sending it more.

Now I'm consumed with anger and regret both for putting up with his crap and for now apologizing. I hate knowing that he doesn't respect me. I want to email him telling him how pissed I really am but I don't know if that will get me the respect I want or not. What should I do and how do I free myself of all the guilt, shame, and regret I feel for allowing him to mistreat me?

VictorM's advice:

The other day I was trading Private Messages (a feature of the ARGville forum) with a forum member about a personal situation she was facing. And she wound up doing something that I thought took a lot of guts. I messaged her back telling her that she was my hero for the day, that I was very proud of her. Well, today, you're my hero for the day. You should be proud of yourself for what you did took a lot of courage, you weren't crazy, and you don't need his respect.

You should be proud of yourself because whether it was after the first break up, the third, or the seventh, actually making the decision and sticking to it takes a lot of guts. In fact, the further into the hole you fall, the harder it is to dig yourself out. So despite falling deeper back into the hole several times, you still fought your way out instead of subjugating yourself to a life of misery. For that you're my hero.

You weren't crazy to stay. What you did suggests to me that you are a loving person who knows that relationships aren't easy and only uncaring people walk away at the first sign of trouble. It's easy to understand that you might have had second thoughts about him talking to ex. You kept considering the possibility that you were wrong at different stages of the relationship, and that's a personal characteristic that might look like a negative under these circumstances, but in the long run, makes you a better person. Further, had you walked away after earlier break ups with doubts in your mind, it would have made you wonder for the rest of your life is you had done the right thing. And "what ifs..." are the worst thing you can carry with you. You kept going back as often as it took for you to walk away with a clean conscience. That's not crazy; that's wise.

Finally, respect comes from within, and that you have. Would a virtuoso musician seek the approval of a tone-deft person? Would a world class chef seek the opinion of someone whose idea of a great meal is baked beans and the farting that follows it? Would the Queen of England's chief of protocol seek advice on manners from a redneck? Why should a world class girl like yourself seek the respect of someone who doesn't even know what the word means?

Write the letter. Putting your thoughts in writing is very cathartic. But do not send him the letter. That would be showing him the respect he doesn't deserve. Ignoring him sends the best message of all.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: erin
Age: 26
Location: nj
Question: I have been seeing this guy for about two months and prior to that we had been friends for about a year and a half. Things have been going very nicely - I have attended some family functions with him, he is about to go to my best friend's wedding with me, his toothbrush has its place at my apartment, and we spend about 3 nights a week together.

Last night, he took me out for my birthday...it was a GREAT night from the restaurant and the movie and the ensuing silliness at his place. However, things then started to move towards sex (which we are quite in sync with regularly). After going down on my for a bit, I then pulled him up towards me eager to have sex with him. Right as I was about to pull him into me, he said "Wait, we have to get under the covers". He's not at all shy so I cocked my head to the side and looked at him, and he said, "Well, we just have to get off of the black comforter."

This was an instant mood killer for me. Here I was, ready to ravish him and his concern was the covers? We moved and began to have sex. I couldn't get back into it and asked him to slow up for a sec and this concerned him and he asked what was wrong. But before I could tell him and maybe try to save the weirdness he just kind of started up again. This back and forth continued for about 5 - 10 min until I did get him to stop going through the motions and told him why I had been distracted and at that point it just seemed silly and I felt like an ass.

He had gone out of his way to make me happy that night, and I had gotten hung up (what I told him was that it made me feel like he wasn't into what was happening at the time which took me out of the moment). We did not end up having sex that night and this morning I was still feeling majorly awkward, even though he seemed normal as he was making us cereal and coffee, saying I would have to stay over on a day when he wasn't working so early so that he could actually cook me breakfast, etc. . I had apologized last night and this morning tried joking about what my recovery plan should be. When I asked if I was making too big a deal of it, he said yes but I am nervous that I threw a major ratchet into this new relationship. How do I recover without dwelling on this with him again?

VictorM's advice:

Stop dwelling on it. Stop talking about it. Stop apologizing about it. The best way to get over a bad memory is twofold: one, stop bringing it up to the surface (even the good intention of apologizing has the bad consequence of making you relive the moment); two, create a new pleasant memory to replace the bad one (next time, fuck him so good that he'll think he's Thor.

Now, as for the black comforter, it is possible that he's a freak, but if he is, you'll know it by other things he does. This one thing alone means nothing. It could have happened because, for example, when he was younger he dirtied a comforter and his mother punished him, or maybe he's tried to wash this one before and it was hell... who knows what it could be but it's possible that something invoked a negative mental imprint and he reacted as a reflex.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 36
Location: the south
Question: Hi,
This is about the relationship I am in. I went from sleeping with someone to dating him to us moving in and me being pregnant with his baby all in a matter of 1 1/2 years. We moved in together about 9 months ago because neither of us had anywhere else to go. I knew it was risky but decided to take the chance.

Almost immediately he went from being an awesome boyfriend I bragged about to guy who would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I know how you feel about porn, but for me, this was/is a serious problem. Since I got pregnant (7 months now) he's lost interest in sex with me and doesn't really go online to watch it every single day but that's more circumstance. I know he goes into live chat with people which really makes my blood boil. I still get hit on whenever I go out, too, so it's not like the sight of me is unbearable. Initiating sex, I stopped doing because it's tough for a woman to be rejected in her own bed.

Other problems have cropped up too- while he's been doing the right thing by planning to stick around and help raise the baby, I've come to think maybe that's not best for me and the baby. He still goes out to bars about three nights a week, and other activities with friends but has no savings account and hasn't put ANY money aside for the baby. I buy most of the groceries, put gas in the car, and saved up to buy another car and have money for the baby.

Not to mention it's been eons since he took me anywhere. It's been eons since he said I love you and when I have tried to talk to him through a number of different approaches, some more sensible than others, he just sits there like a bump on a log or defends himself a little but never uses the opportunity to tell me what he wants or anything. It really just comes across like he does not care what happens. Last night was the last straw for me as he was down at the bar for hours, and I asked him to find another place to go so I could have some peace the rest of my pregnancy. I really mean it, this is too much stress for me right now. What did he do? Just sit there.

This man pursued me like Smokey and the Bandit right up until we moved in together. He would profess his love, and once said he wanted me to have his kid within the next 2 years (though this pregnancy really was an accident) last summer, and when I first conceived he spoke of marriage once but I don't think either of us has thought of it seriously since all the trouble started, though he is wanting to move to another house and possibly another city together. My question is, do you think we can regain control of our relationship or does it sound like it's gone to hell in a handbasket, never to return? I don't know if I should get out now, insist on marriage, or start casting voodoo spells. I feel like I'm doing everything and he's doing very little. I'm mostly scared about the future.

VictorM's advice:

Being 7 months pregnant sounds like the worst time to make a decision about leaving him. There's too much stress now, too many changes in your body, and you need to have things settle down before you contemplate that move. Besides, there's a good chance that he'll at least be of some assistance to you when you need it the most to deal with the new baby.

Consider that although physically only the woman changes when she gets pregnant, many men are affected psychologically in a variety of ways. On the sex thing, it's possible that he doesn't see you as attractive in that state as others do. Some men refuse to have sex because they fear they will hurt the baby. There are tons of reasons. So rather than making it an issue, wait till after you're pregnant to have a better feel. And to set the record straight about porn, I try to explain how dispassionate men are about it, but ultimately it's how the partner feels about it that matters.

Now, you said he doesn't even try to defend himself. If that's the case, it means you're accusing him and putting him on the defensive. While I can understand the frustration you must feel to get you to that stage, it's simply not an effective method to motive a guy who is not motivated. A system of compliment and rewards works much better, even though it's not easy at all to do and required lots of patience and self control. Plus, you need to give him direction for the next few months. I'll explain below.

Starting today, no more yelling and screaming, no more lectures and reprimands. If you need something done, for example, helping you get the groceries from the car, even if he's sitting on his ass watching you doing it, and I can understand you wanting to smack him in the head, don't do it. Give him direction: "Honey, please help me get the 3 bags of groceries in the car. Thanks, baby." When he does, thank him and praise him: "thanks for the help, honey" and give him a little kiss. If he leaves his clothes all over the floor, do not yell, simply say: "Please help me pick these clothes up." Again, when he does it, light praise, light reward. If he doesn't do it, don't reprimand him. That will play on his guilt, and sooner or later he will help. If you yell, you strengthen his resolve to be an asshole because in his mind, you're being one.

So, direct him as if he's a young boy (no snide comments, no rudeness), compliment him lightly (very small and simple compliments work best with guys), give him some reward (a beer, a light kiss).

Other things... don't be cynical. If one day he doesn't go to the bar, don't say something wise ass about why not, just say it's nice to have him at the house, and try to have a pleasant evening. If he comes home earlier from the bar, again, no snide remarks, just say it's nice to see him.

About money... you might try something like: "I opened up an account to save money for when the baby comes. I'll be depositing X dollars before I spend it on anything else cause I know it's so easy for me to spend it, and I'd like to get from you X dollars as well as soon as you get your check so that you know how much you have left."

Notice that in none of my examples did I asked him if he wanted to do something; I told him what we are going, but without sounding like I'm giving him an order. An unmotivated man needs this sort of direction.

Where your relationship goes after the baby is born is anyone's guess, but don't discount that once he sees the baby and sees you physically back to normal, anything could happen. So give him a chance, for you and for the baby.

So, remember: no yelling, no snide remarks, no reprimands; lots of simple praises, simple rewards; lots and lots and lots of patience.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: Holly
Age: 26
Location: Somerset
Question: Please help me I'm going out of my mind. I recently went on an online dating site after being hurt in the past thought I'd give it ago and hope to meet someone decent. Anyway this guy asked me if I wanted to start talking so I did. We talked online for a week and then he asked to swap mobile numbers, so we did. He was constantly texting me morning, afternoon and night and said how beautiful I was etc and we finally meet up after a couple of weeks. Are date went really well and he text me saying he wanted to see me again and I was a 'top bird'. To cut a long story short the last text I had from him was saying he's looking forward to see me. Anyway I replied. Since my reply I've not had anything back since, I left it acouple of days and text asking if everything was ok and if he wasn't interested to please tell me because it was making me feel awful not knowing. Even tried to phone him but no answer, tried on a different phone and he answered but kept saying hello, like he couldn't hear me!! Now I've noticed he's back on the online dating site!! I'm really confused and hurt once again. I know most people would be thinking why don't you get the hint but Why can't guys just tell you if they're not interesed, why ignore you especially when he was so keen. Do you reckon he could be playing hard to get? (he's in the military so would that make any difference) Please your feedback would be much appreciated because I don't know what to think or do and I really liked him and started to think decent men did exist again?????:-(

VictorM's advice:

Guys go on dating sites, contact several women, go on a few dates with each, put their foot forward and try to impress each, and all the while feel that there is no commitment and no obligation. If they're not interested, they simply don't meet you for another date. In guy world, you're the one who is nuts for putting all your eggs in that one basket while you're using the online site. Granted, he left you pending, but still, he made no obligation.

I'm not defending the practice, just saying that that's the way it is and you better get adjusted to it, because the male gender isn't going to change no matter how much you protest.

The whole idea of dating, online or otherwise, is that you are going to be meeting random people. The more time you stay stuck on jerks (the "top bird" comment strikes me as an obvious clue with this guy), the less time you have to find a decent guy.

The military angle has nothing at all to do with this.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: Samantha
Age: 22,
Location: Kansas
Question: Do guy friends that you normally drink with call and talk to you for an hour generally if they don't like you?

VictorM's advice:

Chances are that they like you, but they don't have to. They'll talk to you for many hours if they harbor any hopes of being able to get in your pants.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: nicole
Age: 28
Location: austin texas
Question: My fiance still keeps in contact with his ex's family. He knows it upsets me very much because they talk to him about her. I get very upset when anyone mentions her and I just need some advice. I asked him what the need was for them to keep in contact with him and why he just didn't tell them to stop calling him. His ex also texts him every once in a while and when I asked him to tell her to stop the next time she did, all he said is he doesn't even respond to her. I don't get it. I don't see the need for them to keep in contact, and if he knows it bothers me so much, why does he let it happen still?

VictorM's advice:

If a guy can't either do what you ask for because he agrees with you, get over his ex (if he's till into her), or have the balls to sit down with you and tell you that you're being selfish and immature and that just because people break up doesn't mean they have to pretend they don't exist, your relationship is a disaster waiting to happen.

But come on, I think you know the answer to your own question, you're just afraid to deal with the consequences.

Submitted on Thursday, August 13, 2009
By: Dani
Age: 16
Location: US
Question: I met this guy about three weeks ago and he randomly invited me and my friend to hangout with his friends. We actually ended up having a really good time and hitting it off so we hungout about four nights in a row that week with some of his friends and some of mine. The third time hanging out he told me that he thought i was gorgeous and stuff and had his arm around me the whole night and we kissed for the first time and he said he wanted to hangout just me and him. So we did for a few nights the second week and he said he considered us dating and wanted to be bf/gf but was hesitant because im a little younger than him. I met his mom and his sister, at his request, and we makeout and stuff but don't have sex because he said he doesn't want to go farther this early into us dating, which i like. He usually calls me at least once a day and tries to make plans, but i've called him the past two days and he hasn't answered or called me back. My best friend says I'm over thinking things, but i'm only worried because i like hanging out with him and really like him and don't want things to be screwed up =/

VictorM's advice:

I don't think you're over thinking this. If after three weeks of such intensity and contact he goes mute for two days with no responses, well, that's not a good sign. Of course, there could be some logical explanations for that (lost his phone, got hit by a bus, etc.) but it is also very common for guys to start with such intensity and then flame out weeks into the relationship.

But whether he comes back or not, you should consider learning to pace yourself and spread out your hanging out. Enjoying each other very much is good but wanting to spend so much time together can lead to suffocation.

Submitted on Wednesday, August 12, 2009
By: Mindy
Age: 25
Location: Canada
Question: I was set up with a guy last weekend by a mutual friend. We really hit it off and ended up sleeping together. We didn't exchange numbers, but he tracked my number down and texted me a few days later. I found out from my friend that he hooked up with a "gross chick" the following weekend. And I haven't heard from him since. Why would he have tracked down my number in the first place? Will I be hearing from him or is he just a player?

VictorM's advice:

How was he going to fuck you again unless he got a hold of you?

How often do you expect to hear from him when you didn't even bother exchanging numbers? You're on his list. He may or may not call you. You have to wait your turn.

Is he a player? I don't particularly like that term as it deflects responsibility for your actions from you to him. After all, you were a willing participant in sleeping together rather quickly, no? And I doubt that he promised you anything if you didn't even exchange numbers and he had to chase you down. How does that make you any different from the "gross girl," or from him, for that matter? Maybe to him you are the player (although we use another term for girls, one that I don't particularly like either).

Submitted on Wednesday, August 12, 2009
By: Ally
Question: I need help. I've seen this site before but I've never used it before. So I hope you can help me as much as you've helped all these other girls. :))

Okay, so when I was a freshman in college, I met this guy (let's call him joe) and we fell in love.
Well, he broke up with me (which I later found out was because he didn't want to distract me from my studies) so I tried moving on.

I started dating this other guy (let's call him bob) and I THOUGHT I loved him.

Well joe's sister told me to come talk to joe because he was all mopey from leaving me. So I did.
As soon as I saw him I knew that he was the one. We made up and I told him not to worry about my studies and all that. I NEED him!!!

But then I remembered Bob; how can I tell him? I don't want to hurt him!!

Thanks in advance! :);)

VictorM's advice:

You actually believe Joe left you because he didn't want to distract you from your studies? Gee, he sounds like the kind of guy who would smack your head with a sledgehammer if you complained of a headache. Well, not that he would do it himself -- he'd have his sister do it.

When it comes to Bob, don't worry so much about hurting him. Guys can handle pain better than they can handle a lying girlfriend. Your priority should be honesty. And I don't mean telling him that you're breaking up with him because of his studies -- that would be a bold face lie, right?

By the way, what you NEED is a lie detector, not Joe.

Submitted on Wednesday, August 12, 2009
By: Karen
Age: 26
Location: Atlanta
Question: I have been with my guy for almost 5 years. We have lived together for 2 1/2 years. I went through his phone and found naked pictures of a girl (one of his contacts). I went through his phone once before and he told me if I do it again he would break up with me. I know he isn't cheating on me physically. Is this normal for a guy to have pics like this? I am afraid to confront him because he will know that I went through his phone. I don't know what to do or think. Thanks for the male perspective on this.

VictorM's advice:

Of course I can't vouch for the specifics of this case, but in general, if some girl some where wants to share naked pictures of herself, most men would take them. We're simply that curious about the female body. Does it have to mean anything at all? No.

Submitted on Wednesday, August 12, 2009
By: Stephanie
Age: 38
Location: MA
Question: I am married, but in a long-dead marriage that has become a rommate situation (we have no kids). After buying a new car, I was attracted to the salesman. It was obvious it was mutual. After a few excuses for us to meet at the dealership and talking, I went to his house. We messed around for hours and had sex for about 5 minutes when I said I had to go. The following week we got together again and had a great night of lots of sex. I left the next morning. I sent him a text asking to see him again and he said yes. When I sent another message about getting together days later, he told me he'd had a bad week, was bit by a tick, blah blah, so he couldn't meet up with me. I let this go about a week and sent a message about a good band that will be playing locally in a few weeks. He isn't responding. I figure I am getting the blow off, but why? I'm not looking for Mr. Right....I'm just looking for action and he knows it. Why won't he just contact me and say "buzz off" or "I can't do this because I like your husband" or "I used you, and it wasn't that great". It's more the not knowing than being heart broken. I need a man's perspective. Should I just forget this guy? Last time I was with him, he kept some of my CDs and I have one of his. Easily replaced items. I just really want to know that this is a dead venture and don't know why he wouldn't just come out and tell me. Thoughts?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know why women like you would think that coming cross as I just want to fuck around and not be serious should get you the same respect as if you were looking for Mister Right -- it won't! Guys look at women such as yourself as "disposable." That's the treatment you're getting. As they say, you reap what you sow. In other words, you're sleeping with dogs and wondering why you have fleas.

The big question I have is: did you get a good deal on the car? :-p

For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Question: I have a guy friend that I'm pretty close to who is cheating on his current girlfriend and may have cheated on his past girlfriends. He flirts with me constantly and hides the fact that he has a girlfriend from me. Should I be concerned by this fact or is that just normal guy behavior? I'm not fully sure at this point if he thinks of me as a friend or if he's interested in me.

VictorM's advice:

Guys have no need for female friends. He's looking to poke you.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By: Zara
Age: 24
Location: UK
Question: Victor, your answer to the 'He was always showering her with attention' question is fantastic and so true.

As a girl, what should I do during the 'Stalling' phase. I know that nothing I do will change his mind but I don't know if I should just stop all contact with him or what?

When this stage kicks in I've often found myself wondering whether me not staying in touch and 'chasing' makes him think I'm not that keen so then he gives up too?

Would you say the best thing to do is to just let him go when it comes to this stage? No contact at all, leave him alone?

VictorM's advice:

No, I don't think you should leave him alone. It's good for there to be some contact. Simple things like "thinking of you," "wishing you were here," "hope you're having a nice day" that sorta thing.

What makes no sense at all to me is nagging such a guy about lack of contact. To me, that's like having a toe that hurts and smacking it with a hammer -- it just doesn't help!

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By: Kara
Age: 23
Location: Brisbane
Question: Hi Victor

I met a guy and went out with him about three times over two weeks. Even though he's great and I had a nice time, in the end I didn't feel physically attracted to him. I actually dreaded the end of our dates as I knew he'd want to kiss me, etc. All he ever got was a small peck on the lips. After the third date he kept asking me to go out with him but I started making excuses saying I was busy. I thought I just needed time to figure things out so I kept putting things off. After some thinking I decided that I wasn't physically attracted to him at all and that I couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with him.

His main mode of communication with me was text message and he never called me between dates except to arrange the next date. He did email me during the week though.

So I did the unthinkable. I sent him a text and told him I couldn't be more than friends. I hated myself for doing it this way and I thought it was really disrespectful of me to do it, but what was done was done.

He replied to me by text, said that a phone call would have been better but that it was ok. He then said how great I am, how he wants more than friendship with me and how I can call him anytime I want.

I haven't been in contact with him since. I want to call him to apologize for the way I handled the situation (because he really didn't deserve this) but I'm not sure if I should. I think that my reason for wanting to call him is to make myself feel better, and this is the wrong.

As a guy in his situation would you want to be just left alone at this point or would you feel better if the girl called you?

VictorM's advice:

Don't call him.

While he would have preferred a call, he already said it was OK. So it's done, over. Calling him now would only rub more salt on his wound. At least you didn't leave him hanging or mislead him. As for the method, just stop saying "I should have called him" and say "Next time something like this happens, I will call." That's learning from your mistakes, not dwelling on them.

Besides, guys aren't as picky about this whole protocol crap as girls are. He's fine, I'm sure. Now he can move on to a girl who actually will enjoy being with him.

Really, you've done well. Be proud.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By: Elyse
Question: I have read things on this site, and I love the answers and help you give!
Anyways...I met this guy once at the bar. I was out celebrating my break up from an abusive bf.
He was very handsome and charming, so I went and talked to him. He bought me a beer and we started talking.
We went home together and we had sex, which was the beginning of our relationship.
He seemed to be the perfect guy, until I got a call from my GAY best friend, Adam.
He started freaking out asking me why there was a guy calling me , and I told him it was my bff...who's gay. So no worries, right?
WRONG!
The he started saying that gays were dirty and filthy and that I shouldn't hang out with Adam. I told him to go get his mind in order and stop hating on my friends, then call me.
That was three weeks ago.
What should I do?? I really like this guy, but I really love my bff. So confusing!!

VictorM's advice:

You stood up for your friend, that's great. You get a little gold star in your forehead.

You were celebrating breaking up with an abusive boyfriend, so why would you want to hook up with a homophobic pig? People who hate others aren't nice people, no matter how charming they appear on the surface. I'm not saying he would necessarily be abusive with you, but there's a good chance that he would. Why? Because people who hate others aren't nice people.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By: Miranda
Age: 16
Location: North Carolina
Question: I met this boy at the beach and he and I hung out for 2 hours and then he kissed me before I left. I friended him on fb because he told me to and then he messaged me telling me we should hang out, I gave him my number and he texted me later that day. He said that we should hang out later in the week and i told him that I had school and that we could hang out the next day. He stopped texting me after that and then 3 hours later I just texted him, "hey" and no response. He hasn't said anything to me on fb but has been talking to his friend. his friend said on fb something about this girl that he was talking to one the phone when his xbox "broke" and my guy said that she was really scary and probably stalking him. He hasn't texted me at all since yesterday. I dunno what it means or what I should do or what. He seemed really interested and it's weird that he just dropped me all of the sudden. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Maybe he seemed interested to you, but it doesn't appear he is now, for whatever reason.

You've contacted him. The ball is on his court. If this early after meeting you a boy isn't eager to have contact with you, pursuing him is a waste of your time. He may still reply at some point, but if he doesn't, go on with your life.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By: andrea
Age: 19
Location: Ohio
Question: I want to know how to tell if a coworker likes you, specifically a guy I work with. He did date someone else in the office, but that ended 5 months ago. He asked me out for a birthday dinner and paid for dinner and we had good conversation and eye contact. I didn't think it was a date at first, but there was definite sexual tension. He then asked me to a party and I met his friends. At the end of both nights we gave tight hugs. When he was driving the car he did put his hand on my knee when he said something. At work he is very respectful towards me and always tries to help me out. He asks me about my weekends and how I am doing. I was bummed out about work and he said something to the effect of "well, I'm glad you're here" Sometimes our eye contact seems to linger or I catch him looking at me. He remembers small details that I talked about and sweetly makes fun/picks on me. However, he has not asked me to do anything else outside of work (it has been about two and a half weeks) and does not text or call me (he has my number). So, does this guy like me romantically or as just a friend? Is he just afraid to have a relationship with someone at work again? Why doesn't he call/text/ask me to do anything outside of work?

VictorM's advice:

You know how there are some people who get to the beach, run to the water and dive right in? And other people get there, first wet their toes, walk around, then wet their feet, then pace back and forth before taking another step forward to wet their shins, and this goes on for quite a while before they get their bodies fully wet? Well, most guys are like this second type when it comes to relationships. They like to get the feel for things very slowly, taking small steps each time.

Clearly the guy interested in you as more than a friend, but he's not rushing into it.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By: elizabeth
Age: 17
Location: California
Question: I been with this guy for over 3 years now and he stopped showing any affection. I asked him why and he said it was because he doesn't show affection in front of family. What does that mean?

VictorM's advice:

It means that he's either losing interest in you (the most likely option) or that he's changing and starting to take your for granted. Either way, not a good sign.

Submitted on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By: Samantha
Age: 22
Location: NY
Question: Hello, I am feeling so hurt right now. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. We've had some problems in the past where I am too overprotective and insecure and I would always say I'm going to change and we would try at it again. I know I have to change this about myself but now I think its too late.

His mother came to visit from his country and I guess he had told her that he wanted to engage me, she told him that he can do whatever he wants but she will not approve of it. She also told him that I will give him problems in the future and that I don't deserve him and that he needs someone who deserves him and the only reason he loves me is because he is a good person or else he would have left a long time ago.

He recently went with his mother and brother out of town for his brother's engagement and completely ignored me. I was wondering what was going on and thought things through that if his mother does not like me there can never be a chance that he will ask me for marriage.

When he came back I went to talk to him and told him that you have been acting different and I know that because of your mom you will not ask me for marriage since she does not approve and that I was there to give him what he seems to always want. That day we broke up and I think for good which pains me so much.

He started crying which I never saw from him and saying I'm sorry so many times and that he wanted his mom to like me. He was hugging me so tight and we just didn't want to let go. He said he was scared that something is going to happen to his mom, since she started crying to him that he doesn't want him to be with me because I will hurt him by being so overprotective. He was saying can you please forgive me and asking me to please if he can still hear from me at least once a month or every two months to know about my life. He kept saying to please forgive him and to say hi to my mother and that he is sorry which i found to be even more hurtful because how could you even say that. He also quoted the Quran in his decision that you should please god, then your parents and then yourself on why we were ending it.

I am not a bad person and I am working on changing this aspect of being insecure and overprotective about myself but the mother does not see this. He also told me that he wanted so badly for me to be the person he will marry and the person that didn't bother him or be to overbearing and that he gave me so many chances.

He said that the reason he ignored me when he went out of town is to try to see if he can go days without talking to me and would it be hard and that his mom also advised him to do this. He has also said that he swears everything was real and that he has never told any girl this but he will never forget me.

My sister thinks that the reason his mom is doing this is because i'm from a different ethnic background but she knew of me before and seemed ok with it.

I love him so much and I don't know what to do. I want him back in my life its hurting me so bad I wish we can work it through. He has also told me that he is so sorry and that he hopes I find someone who is better than him and that he has told his mom that he is not looking for anyone for marriage anymore.

I feel that the hope is fading and that what if he's doing all this because he has someone else in mind or his mother found him someone else from his background. He has told me that all this the way he was acting was because he was in a dilemma and usually he would take his family's side.

It been a day now and he hasn't called or texted me or anything. I feel how is it that easy for him to let go if he says he loves me how is it easy for him not to want to contact me. Its hurting so bad wondering if he will ever come back. How would I get him back? Can you please help me? Thank you

VictorM's advice:

You start by saying that you're overprotective and insecure traits are what drove him away, pushed by his mother. And you say you are working to change those traits. What exactly are you doing to change yourself? Please let me know.

I'm curious because I find it hard to believe that you are actually doing anything concrete about changing, other than saying it. After all, you end up trying to blame him for maybe wanting another girl, or maybe it's the different ethnic background, instead of actually accepting the reasons stated. You may not even notice it, but you continue to exhibit the insecurity and over protectiveness that led to this.

Even if you were to successfully deal with your faulty traits there is no guarantee that he (either of his own free will or pushed by his mother) will take you back, but unless and until you actually do change, you have to let him go and focus your energies on being a better partner.

I'm still curious about your plan for changing. Please write back and tell me how are you planning to do that.

Submitted on Monday, August 10, 2009
By: Mona
Age: 16
Location: Chicago
Question: This guy that I like and use to like me told me he didn't want a high school relationship but yet I still hooked up with him and I thought that would for sure change things but nothing has and i'm hoping he's not the kind of guy for just a 'booty call'... and to top it all, one of my best friends talks to him like everyday and all she says is 'we're just friends.' i feel like something is going on between them but I want to believe nothing is..... what does all this mean??

VictorM's advice:

It means you're very naive about guys. Hooking up with a guy who told you he doesn't want a relationship signals to him that all you want is a booty call. And that suits him just fine. Guys see girls such as yourself as "easy" and, while fun to hook up, unworthy of a relationship. So the more you hook up with him, the more respect he loses for you.

Also, sounds like a peculiar choice to have a best friend whom you don't trust.

You're at a good age to reconsider how you deal with people. Playing games (if we hook up he might like me), and distrusting people for no reason, are types of behavior that will only produce poor relationships, both romantic and of friendship. It's too manipulative and too suspicious to produce healthy associations.

For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.

Submitted on Monday, August 10, 2009
By: nora
Age: 33
Location: denver
Question: I have recently split from my boyfriend. We met last night so I could give him some of his stuff.While we talked he said he loved me and wasn't closing the door on us but needed to be single for awhile and not be with anyone. He said I have always been with someone I have gone from relationship to relationship and now i need to be alone to make my own choices at least for awhile. I even said how would you feel If I went on dates ( i don't plan to) he came back if we are meant to be together they wont work out. I guess what I m asking is why ? And is this just a way to end it with me but in a nice kinda way. Or is it just as he is saying. I plan to give him space and time to miss me so I am not contacting him no matter how badly I want to. Is there any reason to hope .

VictorM's advice:

It's all over but the crying. He's done with you but was just being polite to avoid drama.

Why? People fall out of love all the time. It's as simple as that.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, I just came back from seeing my friends and saw one of the guys I've been talking to for a while now. We've talked about sex and how good it would feel with each other and everything, including other getting to know you things. Well long story short, we were watching a movie and things got hot and heavy and we ended up having sex. Now I don't ever do this with a guy. When I got back home, I texted him saying I had a fun time and that I hoped we could get together again sometime soon. He texted me back saying that he had fun too and "maybe we could do something sometime." I'm feeling like I did something wrong that he doesn't want to continue with things. But after reading your advice to other girls, I should have known better. So I guess my question is that since we did it, he's lost interest in me?

VictorM's advice:

I wouldn't say that. There's a good chance he wants to have sex with you again. Sure, if he was thinking of you as a serious girlfriend he might fell differently now. At least his muted response suggests that but it might also be a defensive move to prevent you from jumping to conclusions. But having sex with him is not as bad as telling him that you loved him, so all is not lost.

But I would advise you to change your frame of mind. What you did was not wrong, any more than what he did. You were two people who like each other caught up in the moment. It's possible that he won't recognize that you only did it with him because you already like him, but if that's the case, he's the one who is wrong, not you.

I say this because regardless of what the outcome is, you should not enter any conversations with him on the defensive. Your approach should be that you're a great girl and he'd be smart to recognize it.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: lillian h
Age: 17
Location: wa
Question: do guys really only want sex? and why is so important to them just to get a girl have sex?

VictorM's advice:

No. All guys want sex but some want more. It's your job to figure out which guys want what. Complaining about the ones that only want sex is a waste of time; learning to walk away from guys who only want it is more productive.

The number one need that guys have and that girls satisfy is sex. Most males place less importance on other things, therefore sex will always take center stage, sooner or later.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: Anonymous
Age: 21
Question: I'm having trust issues with my boyfriend. I care about him a lot but I feel like I can't trust him and I don't know what to do. About a couple months ago we had been fighting a lot because he had been talking online to this girl he knew and it was no big deal at first because they were friends. But what started the fighting was that I saw she had been texting/calling him. He didn't save her number but I knew it was her. When I confronted him about it he completely denied the whole thing. Go figure. Well he hasn't talked to her since because I said I was done with the relationship. Slowly we patched things up and things have been good since but I just can't let that go. It's stupid of me to try and forget it because it was obviously wrong what he was doing. I want to be with him but then again at what price? I just can't let him go. Do some guys just talk to girls like that to boost their egos and have it mean nothing more?

VictorM's advice:

ALL.THE.TIME. More often than not, that's what these contacts are about and nothing more.

But keeping that in mind, don't discard your instincts -- they are usually right.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: Sydney
Age: 16
Location: Indiana
Question: Hi :) To be honest, I feel kind of silly writing here, but oh well I guess. Okay, well I am dating a guy who's 19. He's a great guy, my parents love him, we go to church together, and all that jazz. We were friends for about 2-3 years before we started dating. Neither of us have very much experience dating. I have had one boyfriend, and he has had no relationships before me. He works a lot, by which I mean every day except Sunday, most days at more than one job. Se we don't get to go out very often. Of course I don't like that, but I understand. He doesn't get to hang out with his friends very often either. So 1) He is always really excited to hang out with his friends. 2) When he's with his friends, I really don't enjoy being around him. I love him, and I'm friends with his friends too, but I don't enjoy being aound them together. He changes. I can deal with that though. I understand that guys need their guy time. The problem, though, is that I want time to be with him too. I'm leaving for college in a few weeks, and I'm seeing less of him than ever. He'll text me, but if I want to see him outside of the times we regularly see each other (church, bible study, etc), I have to ask him. He usually says no. When we are together, he worries about losing me or whatever, and he's very sweet, but it doesn't seem like he's doing anything to keep me. I don't think he likes me for purely physical reasons, because there's not much there. We hug and stuff, but no kissing (The first woman he kisses is going to be the one he marries). So I don't think that's it. But I don't know. I guess this is all a big thing to ask how I can get him to pursue me more? And I want to be his friend, more than just his girlfriend, but how do I do that? I want to talk to him, but I'm horrible with confrontation, and I'm afraid I'll sound like I'm nagging about stupid stuff, because really none of this sounds like much. But it is. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

If you want to be pursued, you have to make yourself a little more scarce. Less available. More difficult to see. Get my drift? I know, in your case it sounds odd because you already don't spend that much time together, but whatever little time you do see each other, it's on his timetable, with you at the bottom of his friends in terms of priority. You have to change that.

Now, if you make yourself more scarce, you run the risk that he won't pursue you. If that's the case, you might learn that the reason he doesn't kiss you is not because he's waiting for some sign from above, it's because you're not it for him.

Not spending enough time with you and putting his friends before you while then telling you he doesn't want to lose you, that sounds mighty selfish of him. I don't know what religion you subscribe to, but I bet you have a sin that covers it.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: Loretta
Age: 19
Location: NY
Question: Hi. I'm a beautiful girl, so this was bound to happen eventually. But it's not just beauty that keeps a guy around, so I need some advice. My ex-boyfriend has been initiating contact with me on a daily basis - out of the blue. We broke up a little over a year ago, but we had a very passionate & fun relationship, with tons of great memories. We were only together for a year and half, friends for a year before that, but when we were together it was a golden relationship. I mean, of course we had our quirks, but we were the best of friends - nearly inseparable.

Then out of the blue, he wanted space, and then I committed the fatal mistakes that girls make when they are upset or heartbroken, and completely pushed him away from me. Yet the break-up ended up being mutual, obviously not at first, but after two weeks of being alone, I discovered that I had wanted the same thing... Although it wasn't exactly the ending that I planned, life goes on.

Since the break-up, it has been smooth sailing for me. On the other hand, when we broke up he got heavily involved in drugs. He was on them for nearly over a year, like a legitimate addiction, and was also in this rebound relationship with this unattractive girl named Victoria. After getting out of my most recent relationship my ex pounced on me. He claimed he just wanted to be friends, but one night after hanging out things led one place to another. Then he ended up pouring his heart out to me, and crying, telling me he's still madly in love with me. He did this several times over the course of a few months, yet it's never a constant thing.

The night before he left for Lebanon for two months, which he will be returning at the end of August, he poured his heart out to me again. He also told me twice since he's been there that he's in love with me, yet he never fails to mention another girl here and there - and today mentioned how he sucks at relationships. I am not pressuring him in anyway, or showing any signs of jealousy. Do you think he's just testing me when he mentions the other girls, or do you think he's just showing me that he doesn't want a relationship? How do I get him to treat me like a princess all the time? Is he courting me or just stringing me along?

VictorM's advice:

You can resolve all your answers by accepting his desire to be with you. Will things be as passionate and fun as they once were, or have things changed too much for that "being treated like a princess" feeling to return? There really is only one way to find out -- call his bluff (if he's only bluffing, you'll know right away).

It's a worth while investment of your time to make because if things are no longer as magical as they once were, you'll know it soon enough and you can bail out -- you've done it once before, you can do it again. If they are magical, well, great! But above all, the thing you don't want to do is always wonder how things would have turned out if you had given him a chance. Give him that chance and remove all doubt.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 29
Location: CT
Question: I met a guy who I thought was into me but now sends mixed signals. He said he didn't want anything serious but seems jealous if I go out with anyone else. He even has his friends check up on me at work and try to get info about what I'm doing. He doesn't call anymore but if I text him he responds. I asked him if I was bothering him he said no. What gives? Is he just not that into me? I haven't really dated in years cuz I just got out of a 6 year relationship so I'm very new to this. Help!

VictorM's advice:

There are no mixed signals.

He's not into you. He said he didn't want anything serious and he doesn't call you. That settles that.

He's jealous. That has NOTHING to do with you and all to do with a personal disorder that frankly, you should run away from. It's just a reflection of territorially fueled by unhealthy reasons lacking any kind or respect or interest.

You don't bother him when you text him. That's hardly any indication of any interest.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 28
Location: Texas
Question: I am in college and I had this teacher whom I became really close (he's 34) even to the point that he helped me move into the same apartment complex he lives in. We hang out at his place and mine and go out sometimes with his friends. He is always worried that he is a teacher and I am still a student (I graduate soon), but he can't be too worried or else he wouldn't call me to hang out. He is usually the one who calls and he gives me the 'look' often, but we downplay our friendship at school for obvious reasons. He is open with me and talks about past relationships and we have random philosophical talks. He gets more serious when it is just the two of us and is more silly when we are with his friends. I really like this guy and I am not sure if he likes me or just thinks of me as a friend. Thanks in advance.

VictorM's advice:

He's interested in you as more than a friend at this point. You can take that to the bank. Whether that will be the case when you graduate or not I have no idea, but you're going to find out soon after your graduation. And one of two things will happen: either you two become a couple (if the romantic interest flourishes between now and then), or the friendship comes to a screeching halt or even ends if he loses romantic interest. There will be no middle ground.

Don't you love it when life is so simple? :)

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: ally
Age: 19
Location: texas
Question: ok so i've been talking to this guy who is married for 3 years.. is it wrong for me to try to get with him even though he claims he is unhappy in his marriage...

VictorM's advice:

If he's unhappy, he should try to fix things with his wife, or get a divorce, and you should stay out of it.

Submitted on Sunday, August 09, 2009
By: chloe
Age: 17
Location: FL
Question: i really like this guy and this year he graduated and i know for sure i won't see him again. During last semester of school we had a class together and we talked everyday. I wanted to ask him to a movie or just to hang before he graduated but my nerves got the best of me because i haven't had the best of luck with guys because i got rejected before and i think every guy will reject me. Well we both have myspace and i was wondering if it was the right place to ask him out???

VictorM's advice:

When it comes to situations like yours, the only bad place for communication is no communication at all, because if you don't ask, the answer will always be no.

Now, keep in mind that asking him out of the blue is a low percentage proposition. There are a lot of reasons he could say no, even if he doesn't mean to turn you down. It all has to do with opportunity and being on the right place at the right time. Does he have a girlfriend? Or does he like someone and feels it might hurt his chances if he's seen with you? Is he broke? Does he have the flu? Etc. etc.

But if you want to take your chances, myspace is as good a method as any other one.

I would be skeptical if he was thinking about you when he wrote that because after you defriended it's most likely that he felt you wouldn't be reading what he writes. If he was thinking about you, only a gay guy would think that deeply. :-P

(I keep joking about him possibly being gay -- well, I'm only partly joking; the prospect has some merit -- but more realistically, I just think he loves his girlfriend and enjoys your friendly company).

Submitted on Friday, August 07, 2009
By: Celeste Brook
Age: 25
Location: London
Question: I met a guy at a group event and he took my email at the end and immediately sent me an email asking me out for a movie. We emailed each other and went on about 5 dates and things were going really really well. He told me he was really happy to have met me and we both enjoyed spending time together. He would cook for me and invite me to his place even though he said he never invites people to his place much.

Then we spent a weekend together and I discovered that his performance in bed was really bad; he lasted all of 10 seconds. Which is fine with me, I can be patient and encouraging but I think it really got to him.

He was off with me afterward even though he tried to cover it by smiling. i could tell he was not happy and we weren't kissing as much as the other times we've seen each other. It was also his decision to get into bed only by the 6th date and he likes to take things slow as, in his words, it's more fun, and I appreciated that.

Well after the weekend we aren't talking anymore and I sent him a text after 5 days asking if he wanted to meet which he hasn't replied to. I am not sure how to talk to him again and make him understand that I'm ok with taking things slow in bed and that he doesn't have to beat himself up about it or be embarrassed. Once he even said 'whats the point i'm sh*t at it anyway. It was obvious he had hang ups about sex and not satisfying me. But then again, he's not that open sexually. Should I bother calling him or trying to contact him more at all?

[Victorm's note: After this submission arrived, Celeste provided additional information:]

there was this huge build up to 'the night' as we waited for so many dates to pass where we just made out and he would talk about how he loved to please me and make me beg for more and expectations were therefore high as there was intense chemistry between us. but when we finally did it, he lasted all of less than 10 seconds. That morning i was debating whether to stay with him in bed or go out to see my friends as i had arranged to meet them. But after the sex i don't think i was mean about t or anything, but i ws ok lets get up and get some breakfast. from that point on he started being really off with me, to the point where I was beginning to think why do i bother. but we had agreed to spend the whole weekend together so we saw a movie together that night and tried again that night (or morning, i don't remember) and he came quickly again. he tried asking me what i like to have done to me and i reluctantly explained, cos is a bit difficult to get it right with someone new, and i was trying to give him directions, but instead he ended up thinking i was saying that he wasn't doing anything right. so basically our experience together in bed has been quite disastrous even though we loved making out and spending time with each other for a while, cuddling. its been a week and we didn't contact each other and i sent him a casual text asking what he was up to after a week and he didn't reply. (before that he was msging and emailing me loads, all day and wanted to see me in all his spare time). I know you say again and again in your posts that guys go through short intense busts of liking a girl then they snap off, buti just wanna know whether he just found that he was unattracted to me or too embarrassed to see me again, or just not interested anymore...?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds clear to me that his decline in contact is related to the embarrassment resulting from your sexual encounter. To a guy, that could be devastating, no matter how sympathetic you may be.

I have two pieces of advice:

One is for him, but since he's not reading this and is not the one seeking the advice, I won't go into too much detail, but will say this: half of the battle is won in that he wanted to satisfy you. A lot of female's complaint is that guys don't even have that interest. The lingering problems, not only his premature ejaculation but whatever physical hangups he have, are all mental. The good news there is that if they entered his mind, they can exit it -- he just needs to have the desire to seek professional help. But those conditions can be dealt with, provided he's willing to.

As for you, the best you can do is not refer to that night if and when you talk to him. You saying something like "I enjoyed your company and it doesn't matter to me that you only lasted 10 seconds because I know we can work through that and besides you have so many good qualities" will enter his hears as: "blah, blah, blah you only lasted 10 seconds blah blah blah."

Unless he's the one bringing it up, you doing it does nothing more than make the bad memory linger and dominate. What you need to do instead, is create new, more pleasant memories. In your case, take things slower again, more kissing, more cuddling, more fingers/tongue/toys play, etc.

What you can't, and shouldn't, do is try to become his shrink. You are not qualified and you're too involved to be objective. Yes, if he brings it up, you can emphasize that you're patient, that there are many other things you enjoy, and that you trust that with continued involvement and building up of trust, he can overcome those. But leave it at that.

I'm not going to tell you whether you should contact him or not but I will say this: It's important for you to consider more than just the positives of any man you date. Any guy is the sum of both negatives and positives. While him lasting 10 seconds can be improved, how he responds to the whole event tells you a lot about the kind of man he is and how he will deal with disappointments and confrontations in the future. Do not ignore that aspect of what you're learning about him.

If you do call him, be positive, do not mention that night, and above all, do not come across as begging for his attention. You did nothing wrong, and if you're going to have any kind of future, that message has to come across loud and clear. This is HIS problem -- he has to deal with it.

Submitted on Saturday, August 08, 2009
By: Leslie
Age: 29
Location: Dallas
Question: My bf of 2 years just dumped me out of guilt. He got so drunk he he doesn't remember the night. He woke up after passing out wanting smokes tried to take the car and leave . I hid the keys ( i had not been drinking) He became angry and pulled my hair and throw me into a corner. He had never done this before ever. He left walking to get smokes. Woke up on the front porch not remembering a thing. He spent a week of "i'm sorry " and beating himself up . He joined AA also. He finally decide he was so stressed and racked with guilt he had to end it. He told me I love you and I am in love with you deeply but there has to be some underlying reason I would want to hurt you even if I dont remember doing it and I don't trust myself. so I'm ending it. I m confused is just looking at me making him feel guilty . I didn't tell anyone but my sister now has text him making him feel worse. Please help .

VictorM's advice:

Earlier today I answered a similar question. My response applies to you. Read it here.

As you will see, it's not just the drinking that's the problem. Sure, him joining AA is a good thing, but it's not enough.

Question: omg answer my question please. i submitted it more than a week ago!
why are you ignoring me? and u answer that 11 yr old question about having long lashes but u cant answer mine?

mmmmm maybe it is becuz uve heard it before? but i asked in a different way...just answer it please! its the one that starts off with...mmm i forgot. it was so long ago i submitted it. basically it is about me and this guy i'm 18 hes 22 the one about me having sex with him for 6 months and then him not wanting to give me a chance, like saying he only wanted me for sex, when in the beginning i could tell he did like me. and then saying i'm not his type, saying he has a gf, but he doesn't have one. and just not giving me a chance. i want to know why. why he'd give some other girl a chance to be his gf but not me. not even to want to get to know me better.

also he's heard rumors about me and is always asking me if i'm fucking other guys.

that's the question. i hope u can find it and answer it.

VictorM's advice:

I couldn't find your previous question, but come on, the 11 year old's question was cute. :)

He did give you a chance! You went out for six months. Even if all you did was have sex, it still reveals that he probably did like you, as you said, but that he lost interest in you, for whatever reason. He still enjoyed the sex, so he kept going, but basically, he saw enough of you to realize that he wasn't into you seriously and he was better off moving on. You should do likewise.

Submitted on Saturday, August 08, 2009
By: mj
Age: 31
Location: usa
Question: Hello, I need real male advice. My guy and I have been together for two years . The past four months have been rough we both have a lot of stress at work. In may we broke up for about two weeks so he could find himself and decompress . He came back around and we were a couple again. Work for both continued to increase in stress and to be honest we took out on each other him closing off and getting moody, me getting well whiny. We once again broke up. He once more said he needs to find himself. There is no one else for either one of us. He says in time he wants to get back together. Am I fooling myself or is this going to be an ongoing pattern when ever things get stressful. This time I am not contacting him . I do care deeply for him and love him . We had been at one point talking about living together if we could get things on a better note. Should I walk away and count my losses or wait this out ?????? You think someone my age would know better.

VictorM's advice:

If you don't find a way to deal with stress, both individually and as a couple, the problem is not going to fix itself -- your pattern will continue and it will get only worse.

Neither waiting nor walking away will solve the problem. If you walk away, you still haven't learned to deal with the situation and it's more than likely that the next guy you meet will bring his own levels of stress. And waiting... waiting for what? Life is a series of stresses. If it's not work it's the house or family members or economic hardships or jealousy, etc.

Giving each other space under the conditions is a good thing, but only if you make en effort to use that time to learn to cope better. If he takes two weeks and comes back exactly as he left, nothing has been accomplished. Whether you read self-help books or see a professional therapist, you should seek to improve. If not for the relationship, for you own good.

Bottom line is that good couples help each other during stressful times, they don't add to it. And that's what you have to learn to do.

Submitted on Saturday, August 08, 2009
By: Cindie
Age: 33
Location: neb
Question: I have been with my guy for 18 months he just ended things with me tonight because he said he doesn't deserve to be with me because twice in a month he got blackout drunk and said some really mean things to me. I forgave him because he was drunk and didn't even remember the nights. His friends filled him in on the details . All i said was you were a mean drunk, gave no details.

He said "I love you . I am in love with you. I just can't forgive myself for treating you like this . I need to end it and find the person you fell in love with because I'm not him anymore and you deserve better than what I have become."

He has been stressed with work the last four months so I blew off the drunk tirades. I don't buy into the school of thought a drunk mind is a sober mans thoughts. I guess what I am asking is it truly over? He has text my room mate several times to ask if I was doing Ok ? Or is his guilt just too much for him to be with me? I am confused. I love him and and I am not sure what to do. I have read the advice you have give other girls and you seem right on the money so I thought I would ask your opinion. Right now I don't trust the advice from his friends or mine one soon to be former friend keeps texting him saying I'm too good for him because of the drunk nights. Sigh please help.

VictorM's advice:

He has been stressed with work... so what? What does that have to do with drunken stupors?

I absolutely think that alcohol reveals the true personality of the person. He can be in his best behavior most of the time, but when he loses control, whether because of alcohol or anger, that's who he is. And that's why he wants to break up with you -- he knows it too.

Is it truly over? No! That's typical pattern for people who can't control their emotions -- even the wanting to break up reflects an inability to deal with things. They will feel terrible about what they did -- wife beaters, for example, are notorious for being super sweet and remorseful after their wives come back from the hospital -- but the guilt eventually evaporates and their true self eventually reemerges. And sadly, the pattern repeats itself, including the abused partner excusing the abuser's behavior, just as you're starting to do.

It is very difficult for you to deal with this, I understand, because such men, when they are not being pushed can be super nice guys. But when their buttons are pushed (anger, jealousy, tough decision making, etc.) they can, and often will explode.

Recommending and encouraging serious professional therapy is a much better approach than making excuses for him.

So... your guy will be back... unfortunately for you.

Submitted on Saturday, August 08, 2009
By: Lawren
Age: 40
Location: ak
Question: I can't believe I'm even saying this, but three weeks ago, I fell in what felt like love, at first sight, with a married man. A married man whose wife is young (20ish) and has a baby. Supposedly, he married her because she was pregnant.

I know it is probably just physical attraction and how hurtful and awful it is, so I have broken it off with him. Unfortunately, he does not want to break it off and showed up at my office and talked me out of it.

He says that we met because we were meant to be together and that we will be. He knows what I think and suggested a hiatus while he deals with his situation. He still calls and calls and i answer and answer. I know in my head that I need to get out of this, but I am easily swayed by him and end up getting emotionally tied in again.

I just don't see any way it could work with this kind of beginning but I can't seem to end it since if I withdraw, he seems to pursue more intensely.

I love how much he wants to be with me and get taken in by the whole destiny thing, but bottom line is, he just doesn't have my back. God, I can't even call him, much less count on him for anything.

How can I extract myself and get it thru to him that it isn't going to happen?

VictorM's advice:

Don't tell me he's the governor of South Carolina? :-p

You didn't meet because you were meant to be; that's romance novel bullshit. You are what you are because you're two horny toads who have no respect for the sanctity of marriage, and no self-control to act on your better instincts. By his definition, drug users were meant to me.

His pursuit of you isn't an act of love, it's an act of selfishness. A decent man who had the best of intentions would have left you alone and gone and resolve his marriage first.

And don't act like you're some small child with hands tied behind her back incapable of doing the right thing. He didn't sway you; you're just weak and usable. It takes two to make a relationship work. He can't make it happen without you being a willing participant.

You don't have to get it through to him that it isn't going to happen; you just have to get it through to yourself.

But if you really want to know how committed he is, just tell him that you want to go with him to talk to his wife and explain that you two were meant to be and that their marriage must end so that your happiness can begin. I mean, if you two are meant to be, why wait, right? Why an hiatus?

Submitted on Saturday, August 08, 2009
By: Summer
Age: 16
Question: so there' s this supervisor at my work and hes two years older then me and i've worked with him quite a few times. I think he seems nice and i've always thought he was cute but he's so shy i don't know how to get to know him. i talk to him but its never a full conversation cause were working. i tried adding him on facebook so i could get some small talk in but he's almost never on. what should i do?

VictorM's advice:

Find out what topics he's most passionate about and knows a lot about. Then, of those, pick the ones that most interests you and ask him questions about them. If he can dazzle you with stuff he knows a lot about, he'll want to spend more time with you.

Also, on facebook, you don't have to chat real time with him to find out a lot about him and to show interest on his passions.

Submitted on Friday, August 07, 2009
By: Maria
Age: 31
Location: Toronto
Question: I have a question for men to answer...

I am crazily attracted to this guy at the class (Adult Upgrading class daily ) I think he started looking and flirting with me.... I locked eyes with him and could not quite read him, anyways, i moved to change the angle... He moved a 2 chairs over near me --- The flirting and eying intensified... He chatted me up...He even called me baby one day in my ear , I protested... looks, smiles etc etc etc At one time, he and other guy were checking me out and he stepped forward and asked me to go for coffee ... I felt like a piece of meat so I did not even respond... that day I sent him an email asking him to please stop and saying that I like joking as long as The personal space is there... Then, for a few days he tried to ignore me and so did I... but this week well we kind of glanced at each other and now he is staring at me, and I could swear it means "I want to talk to you"... but, I move away from him and avoid him as much as possible... Today, I ended up siting next to him... at one point he started staring at me, bent his chair down I did it to mine unconsciously, then he started labor breathing and his hand jumped over to me almost touched me I looked over and as he pulled his hand back he touched himself... I sighed - made up a cough and got my chair to sitting position... then, a minute later his breathing sounded like an upset angry breathing...

If I am this attracted to him and he is attracted to me why won't he make a right move ? I won't make the move, I just don't believe girls should?

Why would he let himself almost jerk off in the middle of the class... I bet you the teacher saw all this....

Please explain to me why is our verbal communication so broken down when we both know we are crazy to be with each other?

VictorM's advice:

As I was reading your question I was anticipating the final question being: how do you get rid of this creep? But no, you actually want something with such a man. Weird.

You say: "we both know we are crazy to be with each other?" I say: you have a poor understanding of men. There is nothing in his behavior that indicates he is crazy about you. Physical attraction, particularly when followed by vulgarities, are no indication of interest.

For example, I find Sarah Palin strikingly attractive. If I ever met her privately, I'd take my fingers to my throat and vomit all over her disgusting personality (figuratively speaking, of course). But hell, the woman is physically attractive.

You had part of your assessment right: to him, you are a piece of meat.

I wouldn't wish that man on my worst enemy.

Maybe it's a "perfect storm" of a lot of things coming around at this time that are squeezing him, but since it seems to have started recently, it's fishy. Come on, no one is ever that busy.

He's still not ready to meet your friends and for you to meet his? Um... again, not a very promising sign.

Why aren't you going out looking for an apt with him? That seems like the kind of thing a guy would love for his girlfriend to help with. If he doesn't want your opinion, that's another bad sign.

The changes could be just temporary or it could mean that he's getting over you. At this point, and because he calls every day, you may want to give him the benefit of the doubt for a little longer, but it really doesn't sound like he's making much of an effort.

In your question, you say this: "we spent a weekend together and I discovered that his performance in bed was really bad."

Can you send me another submission detailing what that means, with some specifics? I'd like to know what you mean before I answer your question.

Thanks

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: Karie
Age: 44
Location: Canada
Question: I worked with a younger guy (26) and we are-were good friends. A couple of people at work kept telling me that he had the hots for me. The one was a guy who told me this. We would text every once in awhile then the other day we were texting and he told me how he felt about me. One thing lead to another and it got explicit on both ends. Then all of a sudden he stopped texting and he won't text me back. One guy told me he probably got freaked out cuz now the truth is out and he's running scared. Will he text me or get ahold of me again? I don't care if anything ever happens between us as long as we stay friends, I don't wanna lose his friendship. I just never caught on to how much he really liked me.

VictorM's advice:

Your friendship will never be the same again, and chances are that he won't flirt back.

Even if you'd like to believe otherwise, it's not that he liked you that much; it's that you were a huge challenge for his ego. After the explicit text messages, knowing that you would be interested in him is enough to satisfy his ego. He's got nothing to gain now if he followed-up. Why? Because you weren't the prize, an inflated ego was. Basically, he can fly a "Mission Accomplish" banner... and hide from you.

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: kate
Age: 18
Location: maryland
Question: Hi, ive been with my boyfriend for about seven months but i'm leaving for college at the end of the month and he is going to be staying here since he is a senior at high school. do you have any advice on how we should keep our relationship strong because we have started to talk about it and breaking up is the thing we definitely don't want to do because we are in love and we have had so many firsts together that we want to stay together and make things work.

VictorM's advice:

Long distance relationships are very rough, just be aware of that. But here's my advice:

1. Don't nag him about phone calls, text messages, and emails. Guys aren't as needy as girls for frequent contact. It doesn't mean he's forgetting you, it's just that guys aren't wired the same way girls are.

2. If he misses a call, or calls you a day after he was supposed to, emphasize how pleased you are that he called, and make that call a pleasant one. That is the best way to ensure that he'll be more prompt next time.

3. Avoid sending him nude pictures. They will do nothing to bring him closer to you and could wind up being a huge source of embarrassment for you later on.

For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: Monica
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question: I met a guy at a bar and we exchanged numbers. Within 20 minute of getting my number he called me to hang out. So my friend and I went to his friends house, and we hit it off. We talked about everything for hours (aka past relationships and how we were looking to get to know each other and we didn't want to hook up upon just meeting). But when we were about to leave he said since it was late and we were in the city and would have to take a cab, to just sleep there. My friend's boy picked her up but I stayed. We just fell asleep and nothing happened minus a peck goodnight. Its been a few days and he still hasn't called. Should i just forget about it?

VictorM's advice:

No. He may still call you. Be patient.

But don't sit by the phone. Go out, meet other guys, continue with your life. I bet he's going about his.

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 27
Location: Orlando, FL
Question: Hey Victor

I've got a situation that I'm not sure how to handle at this point. I met a great guy and we seem to have hit it off. He's in the navy and is currently away for a month. We only had one date before he left. During the date he asked me out on a second date when he returns and then also asked me to go to a festival with him on Oct this year. I told him that was quite far ahead and after he apologized for assuming things we agreed we'd see how things pan out. He's complimented me a lot (nicely though, no sexual remarks at all) and told me he's so glad he met me.

I'm a cynic Victor. I've been hurt too many times and I am so scared that this guy is just infatuated at this point in time and that I will start liking him (I think I already do) and will then get hurt when he crashes down to earth and realizes I'm not some perfect woman. He's a gentleman, he only kissed me on the cheek at the end of the first date and generally was respectful. He's my age if that matters.

He's been in contact since he's been away, telling me what he's been up to and so on. I've responded, kept things friendly and light.

Why would he want to make plans so far ahead? I understand that things change and we may never see each other again, but why would a guy do this? As a girl I'd do it because I really liked someone and wanted to 'lock' them in so no one else gets to them in the meantime.

Although only time will tell what will happen, is there any way to know if he's just off with the fairies at the moment or if he's being genuine?

VictorM's advice:

This guy is just infatuate at this point. He would want to make future plans because... he's infatuated at this point.

See, he's off with the fairies (really chemicals released by his brain) but he's also genuine (meaning, what he says, he means at the time he's saying it). Will such feelings remain once he comes down to earth? No. His interested will either dissipate or come done to sustainable levels. They will not stay this intense. Is there a way to know which way it will go? No.

Since you're aware of this phenomenon, the best you can do is try and keep your feet on the ground.

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: RosalieHale
Age: 15
Location: Alexander
Question: Hey Victor!
I have a guy-well guys-issue. I think that my ex still likes me and thinks that I would just like him back because we have went out a couple of times in the past 2 years. While I have already moved on to this one guy...but he is a different story. See, my ex is friends with this guy and if my crush does ask me out, I don't want to ruin their friendship. They are both sweet and I don't want to hurt either one of them. But I know that I won't like my ex because I think I am in love with my crush. What should I do?? Oh and I know it may seem like I an very young to be in love but I have never felt this way from any of my previous boyfriends ever. Thanks!!

VictorM's advice:

I always say, you're never too young for love, never too old for alimony. So, yeah, I believe you're in love.

If your crush asks you out, say yes.

See, boys can be smelly, lazy, selfish, think only about sex, immature, brutish, vulgar, etc. etc. but there's one thing we almost always handle better than girls, and that is how to handle an ex going out with a friend.

How will they handle it? Don't worry your precious mind about it. They will handle it however it has to be handled.

Oh, one other thing we do a lot better than girls: we can handle being hurt without making it sound like the world is going to end.

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: meg
Age: 11
Location: uk
Question: i went out with this guy (last year)and he was very strange, but not in a bad way. he has long eyelashes, is fat (no offence to him) and isn't like the rest of the boys in me class (note, he hasn't got anything wrong with him). i really loved him but suddenly i didn't. i fancied his best friend and i thought that i couldn't go out with him and fancy his best friend, its not right. so i finished with him. i went out with the other guy and garan (the first guy) started fighting and arguing and hating emyr (the second guy). emyr thought it would be better if we split up because of garan so we did.

anyway, i've been out with a couple of guys since then, and the last used me and totally broke my heart. then, people started saying that garan still loved me and all that, i took it in but didn't do anything about it. then, the other day, he asks me back out and says he loves me v. much, but i said no i couldn't (because i think i might like another of his friends that i tlk 2 LOADZ) and he wont take it in! he keeps asking me out and saying really ne stuff and saying why he loves me and keeps asking about what happened to our previous relationship. I do love him, but i dont want to go out with him. i love him, and i think about him all the time, and i say loadz of nice things and we talk as if we are going out, but we dont go out. i broke his heart by saying why we split up and when we split up and by saying no and loads of different ways, and i feel really bad about it. i love him and i want him to know it but i just can't bare going out with him! i want to us to be friends, but like, well, y'know...

so what should i do?! i dont want to do anything to brake him even more. what should i do and why doesn 't he get what i'm trying to tell him?! plz answer me, i really need help! i cant get him out of my head!!! thanx xx

VictorM's advice:

Meg, you better pace yourself. If you keep going at this rate, you'll run out of eligible bachelors by the time you're 18. :)

Also, you should write all this down. Your story has the makings of a good soap opera... "i love him and i want him to know it but i just can't bare going out with him!" I can imagine Elizabeth Taylor or Janet Leigh, in their younger days saying that line.

Anyway, back to business... he doesn't get what you're trying to say, because, frankly my dear... he's a stubborn boy who refuses to give up on his one chance for happiness. Sure, of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, that he could find happiness, he wants you. I'm sure that in his young heart he knows that you complete him. I'm sure there are days when his heart makes the sound of ultimate suffering, but I'm sure the boy is strong and will survive even if as he grows and explores the world full of adventure and romance, he will grow old with that blemish in his heart of the perfect love that got away, oh so many years ago.

I say, just give it more time. Just as you found someone to talk to, he will too. And then he'll be off your back.

Now, if after my advice you still can't get him out of your head, I suggest getting another head. And you know what Bette Middler says: "two heads are better than one." :) (Kidding, just kidding).

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: Jess
Age: 16
Location: England
Question: I've been with this guy for three months and he recently ended it. I'm OK with that he had a good reason and I understand how he feels. But I can't get over him no matter how hard I try. I find myself constantly thinking and dreaming about him. I'm really depressed, I've become very anti-social and have lost my appetite because I'm stupid i self-harmed a few times. It's as if when he left me he took a piece of me with him but the part that made me me. All my friends are complaining that they miss the old me and want me back and so do I. I've tried everything! He still texts me and tells me that he loves me but obviously I tell him no don't send me that if you don't mean it. He always says back but i love you. why would he do this to me if he loved me? I just want to forget him and I don't know how. I would really appreciate some help. Thank you for reading.

VictorM's advice:

Don't try so hard to forget him. Allow yourself to miss him and allow yourself to mourn the loss of your relationship. You need to purge yourself of your pain, and the only way to do it is to exhaust yourself in that feeling. If you allow yourself to think about him and what you've lost, and to feel the pain on the inside, you won't have the need to harm yourself on the outside. So cry, be sad, lock yourself with memories. When you do that, you are actually squeezing him out of your system. And that's a healthy process. The more you do it, the less need you'll have to do it.

I know this sounds like the opposite of what you should be doing, give it a shot.

I'm saying this to your friends, so show them this: Help Jess by allowing her to mourn her loss and the memories of lost love. If she wants to talk about her ex, let her. If she wants to be left alone, leave her alone. If she wants to cry, just hold her. Let her feel the pain. Only cold people can walk away from love without pain. Good people suffer. Her suffering just means she's one of the loving people of this planet. After she has a good cry, take her to buy ice-cream, or whatever she likes. Her old self will come back, just not for a while.

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: Tara
Age: 28
Question: I have been dating a wonderful guy for three months. This may seem like a short while but as we had many close friends in common, we progressed very quickly and our friends know we are a "couple". He treats me like his girlfriend, has introduced me to his friends and will introduce me to his father next week. I also stay over with him at least three times a week.

However he is due to move to a different country next week for grad school and we will be at least ten hours apart. I have brought up the topic of a long distance relationship and he says it wouldn't work out as he will be away for two years, cannot commit to the effort of trying to maintain an exclusive relationship over long distance, and does not know when he can fly back to visit. My take on it is that if he truly doesn't want to lose me, he would put more effort into planning for this to work, as he is a great planner in all areas of his life. This makes it sound like he does not care enough for me, and in fact he has admitted he does not know if his feelings are strong enough. He said that a very bad argument we had early on turned him off substantially as it reminded him of his last relationship with a psycho ex and his lousy relationship with his mother. However as we did manage to stay together after that, he knows that it was a misunderstanding and still likes me alot, but his feelings are not what they could have been. He also said that if he had stayed, he would have wanted to keep seeing me and believed that his feelings would have changed over time, but that it would not be possible in the current situation.

Yet he is loving and sweet when we are together and genuinely seems to enjoy spending time with me, though he is not as keen as when we first got together and he wanted to be with me all the time. I do sense he has cooled off somewhat, but I also honestly believe we have something good which I don't want to lose.

I don't know what to do. Is there anything I can say or do to make him even reconsider not letting go of our relationship? Or do I really have to let this man I love go with a smile?

VictorM's advice:

I often snicker to myself when I read "I met a wonderful guy," but in your case, he does sound like a wonderful guy. The kind of honesty he offered you is both rare and precious.

Be under no illusion -- he's gone! He's being polite and I'm sure he enjoys your company -- just because he's not into you romantically anymore doesn't mean he doesn't like you and want the best for you -- but his mind is made up.

Let him go, wish him well, and leave in the best terms possible. But with a smile? You don't have to. For you it's a big loss and there is no need to hide it.

Submitted on Thursday, August 06, 2009
By: T
Age: 28
Location: texas
Question:
O.k. here is the story. We met when we were 15. We only went out chaperoned. I went to school then then he went. Here we are years later. I saw him at a party he was hosting. our eyes locked he didn't know who I was. I remembered him. Anyway a friend said someone here knows you. I walked up said my name and he went down to the floor looking at my body and saying my name as if he was you know.... should I elaborate.... I thought it was odd too. But he looks so good...so I excused the odd reaction.. he gave me a few hugs talked to me asked how my mom was etc. He invited me to a few more events and asked if i would work on some projects with him since I did some things that would help, so I agreed.... We started working on some projects things would get quiet when I was around he would send friends to ask me questions then they would report back with info.. I knew he was nervous.. we would sit down alone and he would not look at me then he would still a look ask a short question then turn away.. I would ask him if he wanted to go have lunch he would always say no. But he would cook stuff for me or ask if I wanted to go with him and his friends to get something... He had one of the employees order in one day and tried to get the food from the restaurant we went on our first date but couldn't do it... It was odd we had the same food we had years ago, he stared and smiled..no words... He always looked like he was going to lean in and kiss me but would not... he would leave romantic poems on my texts and call me sweetheart and stare at my body no moves.... I tried as best I could I am terribly shy.... then he would act aloof when I wanted to go out with him at night... . Later a relative died he actually asked someone if it would be o.k. to call me... we had not talked in a week he was ignoring me...so he offered to come over to my moms and bring us anything etc. when it came time he did not he did come to the funeral ... I kissed him on the neck and he starting going babbling about how beautiful I was like it was bottled up or something... then he tried to leave without saying goodbye, odd..One day he asked for blank in the office I acted like I did not hear him. Still no date, we never talked late on the phone he would always say he was tired... or if it was late as soon as he hit the door, bye...One day when we finished our last project together our friends co-workerd etc were there we were at a mixer... One guy kissed me on the cheek, and he started looking really mad...then he went and kissed an older woman on the cheek and looked back at me... we didn't talk for days then I called him that's when he said he never liked me... months went by then he started trying to send invitations to me he would stare at me like he missed me at different events... sometimes it was a little embarrassing... he would ask friends to try to get me to come along with him... He would never ask himself... then one day when someone we knew died he saw a big ring on my finger I bought it for myself then he started trying to beg me from across the room to come over or to look at him I turned around.. I decided to write him and ask why he was doing these things he wouldn't come up to me and would do all this stuff I mentioned.. I really had feelings for him and I said it wasn't fair if he didn't return calls etc.. I got no response... Then I saw him again all these guys starting coming up to me and I watched as they would walk away he went up to them individually and talked to them... then he stationed himself right near me and no one talked to me afterward.. I don't wear provocative clothing but people say my features are exotic like aishwarya rai. I can't help that. We did not talk he didn't say anything he shuffled his feet again... I have tried to talk to him over the phone etc... o.k. now I called him we talked for 3 mins we asked how each other had been, then things got silent for both of us and we got off the phone... We went to another event this time he tried to be more expressive but he did it during a speech ( he winked at me)... I am sure this is annoying you. So he left really fast afterward and stopped talking to me one day I call and he says he never liked me and I said he did and he hung up... I just want to understand this crap from a guys point of view.. I am disenchanted at this point... the rest the phone call happened after my first post....

VictorM's advice:

Your story is totally familiar to me. I searched all my files and couldn't find it, but I remember reading it before. Odd. Very odd. But not nearly as odd as your obsession with a guy who sounds certifiably odd.

This is the problem: "I thought it was odd too. But he looks so good...so I excused the odd reaction." This guy is odd, weird, strange, and yet, you kept excusing his behavior. And now you want to understand why he said he never liked you? He said it BECAUSE HE'S ODD, WEIRD, AND STRANGE! Trying to predict the response of such a person is impossible.

Next time don't excuse odd behavior -- it tells you a lot more about the man than his looks.