Friday, July 31, 2009
I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years
Submitted on Wednesday, July 29, 2009
By: Maddie
Age: 21
Location: sc
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. Of course we've had our ups and downs but mostly things have been great, until now. His family is staying at their beach house this week and there happens to be two attractive girls staying in the house next door. One night last weekend we were all drinking and hanging out, then I realized that all night he had been talking with these girls on the beach. I wanted to meet them so I walked out to where they were and everyone got silent. I felt a weird vibe like he was having a good time talking to them and didn't really want me there. I went back to the house and they stayed out there for another hour or so.
The next day he kept telling me stories about them. Apparently he now knows one of the girls whole life story and they even talked about things like her past experiences with guys. Then he kept wanting to go over and hang out with them and kept looking to see if they were on their porch or on the beach so he could talk to them again.
I left his beach house for a few days because I have to work, and every day and night I've been gone he's been hanging out with those girls!
This may sound like I'm a crazy jealous girlfriend, but there's one last thing that's bothering me. Since he met these girls he has seemed very uninterested in talking to me. He usually always calls me a few times a day to talk or texts me, but he hasn't been doing either. I called him last night and was telling him some stuff about my day and he cut me off saying "you know, I'm not going to talk to you all night long, I'll see you tomorrow." It seems as though he is more interested in getting to know these girls than talking to me. I can tell something is different and I can tell he is excited about hanging out with these girls.
I'm supposed to go back out there tonight but I feel like he doesn't want me to because I'll ruin all his fun. Am I being paranoid or is he losing interest in me? Please help me!
VictorM's advice:
New girls, new conversations, new topics, ego boost, etc. etc. It could all be just like a new toy, something that gets all the attention for a while. It doesn't mean it will last.
Next time, don't walk away. You have every right to be in on the conversation. Maybe it was all innocent. Maybe even the topics about the girl experiences would have happened with you there.
Behave as if nothing has happened. If he just had a little ego trip, good for him. Things will go back to normal. If it was more than that, you will know it.
By: Maddie
Age: 21
Location: sc
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. Of course we've had our ups and downs but mostly things have been great, until now. His family is staying at their beach house this week and there happens to be two attractive girls staying in the house next door. One night last weekend we were all drinking and hanging out, then I realized that all night he had been talking with these girls on the beach. I wanted to meet them so I walked out to where they were and everyone got silent. I felt a weird vibe like he was having a good time talking to them and didn't really want me there. I went back to the house and they stayed out there for another hour or so.
The next day he kept telling me stories about them. Apparently he now knows one of the girls whole life story and they even talked about things like her past experiences with guys. Then he kept wanting to go over and hang out with them and kept looking to see if they were on their porch or on the beach so he could talk to them again.
I left his beach house for a few days because I have to work, and every day and night I've been gone he's been hanging out with those girls!
This may sound like I'm a crazy jealous girlfriend, but there's one last thing that's bothering me. Since he met these girls he has seemed very uninterested in talking to me. He usually always calls me a few times a day to talk or texts me, but he hasn't been doing either. I called him last night and was telling him some stuff about my day and he cut me off saying "you know, I'm not going to talk to you all night long, I'll see you tomorrow." It seems as though he is more interested in getting to know these girls than talking to me. I can tell something is different and I can tell he is excited about hanging out with these girls.
I'm supposed to go back out there tonight but I feel like he doesn't want me to because I'll ruin all his fun. Am I being paranoid or is he losing interest in me? Please help me!
VictorM's advice:
New girls, new conversations, new topics, ego boost, etc. etc. It could all be just like a new toy, something that gets all the attention for a while. It doesn't mean it will last.
Next time, don't walk away. You have every right to be in on the conversation. Maybe it was all innocent. Maybe even the topics about the girl experiences would have happened with you there.
Behave as if nothing has happened. If he just had a little ego trip, good for him. Things will go back to normal. If it was more than that, you will know it.
We ended up staying up talking
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: Anna
Age: 21
Location: Atlanta
Question: I've liked this guy for a while now. About a week ago we ended up staying up talking after all of our friends went to sleep and made out. I was going to leave but he begged me to stay and sleep for a while. The next time I saw him in public he acted as if nothing happened. I thought that it was a one time thing until it ended up happening again. All of our friends know that we've been messing around and a couple of my friends also tell me they catch him looking at me in public, but he doesn't even seek me out when we're with a group. Is he actually interested in me but really shy in public or is he not interested and I'm just in the right place at the right time?
VictorM's advice:
You're just the girl at the right place, at the right time, and easy and willing.
The more you do it, the more you'll be branded as such. And not just by him but by your circle of friends.
By: Anna
Age: 21
Location: Atlanta
Question: I've liked this guy for a while now. About a week ago we ended up staying up talking after all of our friends went to sleep and made out. I was going to leave but he begged me to stay and sleep for a while. The next time I saw him in public he acted as if nothing happened. I thought that it was a one time thing until it ended up happening again. All of our friends know that we've been messing around and a couple of my friends also tell me they catch him looking at me in public, but he doesn't even seek me out when we're with a group. Is he actually interested in me but really shy in public or is he not interested and I'm just in the right place at the right time?
VictorM's advice:
You're just the girl at the right place, at the right time, and easy and willing.
The more you do it, the more you'll be branded as such. And not just by him but by your circle of friends.
We aren't super physical
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: Meg
Age: 25
Location: Iowa
Question: I met this guy about 4 months ago, through mutual friends. We do not live in the same location, about 3 hours apart. Anyways, after we met, we kept in contact, first through email, then texting and email, then eventually started calling each other. Finally, he came and visited me for a weekend. Seemed we had a great time. Saw him about 2 other weekends. I visited him the third time, we had fun, he was affectionate, we aren't super physical. After this trip, we talked a little about us, and the current situation we are in. We both recently got out of serious relationships (about 6 months ago, so like 3 months before we even met), both said we weren't ready for a new one. He told me that someday he would obvious want one, just not at the moment and that he still wanted to get to know me and see me from time to time. Perfect I thought. But since then, the communication has tapered off quite a bit, we talk once, maybe twice a week, verses every day. Does this mean I was just a bit of a rebound? I don't want to keep bothering him or become "needy", but I like the guy, just want to know what's going on when guys do this.
VictorM's advice:
Maintaining the interest over email and text just isn't likely to succeed. It's probable that he meant to give you a good try, but guys, pure and simply, need physical contact to stay connected.
At first, you have enough stories to tell each other digitally. After a while, not so much. So the contact dwindles. Guys really are not very good at keeping up the small talk and the silly "I'm thinking of you" text messages.
I don't think in this case being rebound is the cause, although it might; I'm more of the mindset that he's losing interest because of the distance.
By: Meg
Age: 25
Location: Iowa
Question: I met this guy about 4 months ago, through mutual friends. We do not live in the same location, about 3 hours apart. Anyways, after we met, we kept in contact, first through email, then texting and email, then eventually started calling each other. Finally, he came and visited me for a weekend. Seemed we had a great time. Saw him about 2 other weekends. I visited him the third time, we had fun, he was affectionate, we aren't super physical. After this trip, we talked a little about us, and the current situation we are in. We both recently got out of serious relationships (about 6 months ago, so like 3 months before we even met), both said we weren't ready for a new one. He told me that someday he would obvious want one, just not at the moment and that he still wanted to get to know me and see me from time to time. Perfect I thought. But since then, the communication has tapered off quite a bit, we talk once, maybe twice a week, verses every day. Does this mean I was just a bit of a rebound? I don't want to keep bothering him or become "needy", but I like the guy, just want to know what's going on when guys do this.
VictorM's advice:
Maintaining the interest over email and text just isn't likely to succeed. It's probable that he meant to give you a good try, but guys, pure and simply, need physical contact to stay connected.
At first, you have enough stories to tell each other digitally. After a while, not so much. So the contact dwindles. Guys really are not very good at keeping up the small talk and the silly "I'm thinking of you" text messages.
I don't think in this case being rebound is the cause, although it might; I'm more of the mindset that he's losing interest because of the distance.
How come his attitude with me changed?
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: Victoria
Age: 17
Location: Canada
Question: How come his attitude with me changed this much so fast?
Ok I'm having boy issues. I also think im falling hard for this guy. I met him at my summer job. We are both 17. We worked many times alone together. We had a gooood chemistry, we talked, he made me laugh because he is a funny guy. But he is funny with everybody not only me. He even asked me my e-mail and my phone number a week ago. But he never called even if we talked on msn. And he told me he had no girlfriend without me asking him..!? After one week of knowing each other, we both go to this little party to our friend Jessica who works with us. I got a little drunk (ok a lot) and i started playing with his hat and putting it on my head, and i stole his chair. You know...I did it to grab his attention. He also took me and acted like he was going to trow me in the pool....Two days later Jessica asks me if i have feeling for this guy. I say noooo, even if its yes. Jessica's boyfriend is a great friend of my crush so i dont want my crush to know i like him, before i know he likes me...its just pride you know? The next day he comes at work and he is more distant. We talk less. He didn't help me when i needed someone to open the door for me even though he would have done that before. He was a little mean or cold. He just acted like he wasn't interested in me anymore. So what happened? I really think i love him. Plus, he quits the job next week and we work together one last time this week. What should i do??
I am scared of telling him my feelings when I don't even know what I feel. And we have the same friends and we will surely see each other at our friends house and because he lives near the place where i work. I am scared he just says no and then ill have to quit my job and my new friends because of the humiliation. The only time I told a guy I loved him he told me : oh i'm sorry i liked you before but now i like your friend.! I'm not the straight forward kind of girl even though Iam very charming :S Please i want to die!! ( dont worry im not suicidal)
VictorM's advice:
Guys are as worried about rejection as girls. And when you lied to your friend, it's not difficult to imagine that it made its way to him. Of course, your words making their way to his ears via friends probably made his disappointment even more painful. After all, you seemed to have given him quite a bit of attention before and all of a sudden -- poof! -- you say you don't like him. Can't say that I blame him for being pissy with you at work.
On the other hand, I can understand your reluctance to be open about feeling something for him. Not only because it most often has the same result that you experienced before, but as you said, you have some attraction for him but you're not quite sure what it really is.
You don't have to tell him you like him to encourage him again. Use your charm, be extra friendly, invite him to a movie or something where you two can be alone, and revive the flirting. If in the conversation you can slip in your fear of rejection and how that sometimes makes you say things you don't mean, do it. He's probably smart enough to put two and two together.
But don't let him get away without clearing the air. You'll regret it if you don't give it a try.
By: Victoria
Age: 17
Location: Canada
Question: How come his attitude with me changed this much so fast?
Ok I'm having boy issues. I also think im falling hard for this guy. I met him at my summer job. We are both 17. We worked many times alone together. We had a gooood chemistry, we talked, he made me laugh because he is a funny guy. But he is funny with everybody not only me. He even asked me my e-mail and my phone number a week ago. But he never called even if we talked on msn. And he told me he had no girlfriend without me asking him..!? After one week of knowing each other, we both go to this little party to our friend Jessica who works with us. I got a little drunk (ok a lot) and i started playing with his hat and putting it on my head, and i stole his chair. You know...I did it to grab his attention. He also took me and acted like he was going to trow me in the pool....Two days later Jessica asks me if i have feeling for this guy. I say noooo, even if its yes. Jessica's boyfriend is a great friend of my crush so i dont want my crush to know i like him, before i know he likes me...its just pride you know? The next day he comes at work and he is more distant. We talk less. He didn't help me when i needed someone to open the door for me even though he would have done that before. He was a little mean or cold. He just acted like he wasn't interested in me anymore. So what happened? I really think i love him. Plus, he quits the job next week and we work together one last time this week. What should i do??
I am scared of telling him my feelings when I don't even know what I feel. And we have the same friends and we will surely see each other at our friends house and because he lives near the place where i work. I am scared he just says no and then ill have to quit my job and my new friends because of the humiliation. The only time I told a guy I loved him he told me : oh i'm sorry i liked you before but now i like your friend.! I'm not the straight forward kind of girl even though Iam very charming :S Please i want to die!! ( dont worry im not suicidal)
VictorM's advice:
Guys are as worried about rejection as girls. And when you lied to your friend, it's not difficult to imagine that it made its way to him. Of course, your words making their way to his ears via friends probably made his disappointment even more painful. After all, you seemed to have given him quite a bit of attention before and all of a sudden -- poof! -- you say you don't like him. Can't say that I blame him for being pissy with you at work.
On the other hand, I can understand your reluctance to be open about feeling something for him. Not only because it most often has the same result that you experienced before, but as you said, you have some attraction for him but you're not quite sure what it really is.
You don't have to tell him you like him to encourage him again. Use your charm, be extra friendly, invite him to a movie or something where you two can be alone, and revive the flirting. If in the conversation you can slip in your fear of rejection and how that sometimes makes you say things you don't mean, do it. He's probably smart enough to put two and two together.
But don't let him get away without clearing the air. You'll regret it if you don't give it a try.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I'm a super outgoing girl
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: Jess
Age: 27
Location: Tennessee
Question: I'm a super outgoing girl who recently met a super shy guy. I have no idea how to proceed! I'm usually into guys who are much more outgoing. How do I catch the attention of a shy guy?
VictorM's advice:
You probably already did. The problem is, he won't let you know about it. Chances are that he'll even hide from you any interest he might have.
Be aware: being shy isn't about lack of confidence; it's about lack of trust in others. So, do not mock him, do not put him down, do not make fun of his shyness, do not put him on the spotlight, do not joke about him. You may be able to do all those things once you gain his trust but until then, just reinforce and accept his personality.
Nothing gets a shy guy out of his shell like being asked about topics he's very knowledgeable about. Find out what some of those topics are and ask him questions about it, one on one. Make sure you compliment him on his knowledge.
But otherwise, do not change your personality. Be as outgoing as usual -- that's what he likes about you.
By: Jess
Age: 27
Location: Tennessee
Question: I'm a super outgoing girl who recently met a super shy guy. I have no idea how to proceed! I'm usually into guys who are much more outgoing. How do I catch the attention of a shy guy?
VictorM's advice:
You probably already did. The problem is, he won't let you know about it. Chances are that he'll even hide from you any interest he might have.
Be aware: being shy isn't about lack of confidence; it's about lack of trust in others. So, do not mock him, do not put him down, do not make fun of his shyness, do not put him on the spotlight, do not joke about him. You may be able to do all those things once you gain his trust but until then, just reinforce and accept his personality.
Nothing gets a shy guy out of his shell like being asked about topics he's very knowledgeable about. Find out what some of those topics are and ask him questions about it, one on one. Make sure you compliment him on his knowledge.
But otherwise, do not change your personality. Be as outgoing as usual -- that's what he likes about you.
I'm dealing with this asshole
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: Alli
Age: 27
Question: I have heard of this site before and I decided to use it after I saw all the women you have helped.
I'm dating a man (let's call him Bob) and we've been going out for awhile now. Three months to be exact. I am so happy when I'm with him; he just makes me feel so good! But he has these moments when this...instinct kicks in.
One time we were driving home from a date, and this car came flying by and almost hit us. Bob got so mad, and he jumped out of the car and started going off at the guy. I tried calling him back, but he just said "no I'm dealing with this asshole." so I went home on foot.
This has happened twice so far, and I don't know how to handle it. Can you help me? I love him, but I don't like these little outbursts.
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling them "little outbursts." Bob has a very serious problem. Today is the asshole in the other car, tomorrow it will be you. And no, I don't mean it MIGHT be you; I mean it WILL be you.
He needs anger management counseling. Don't be swayed by "I'll try harder," or "I'll never happen again." -- it will happen again.
This is not something that Bob can fix just by wishing it. He needs professional help. It would be far better if he accepts this and goes to a counselor on his own, so give him the opportunity to do so. But if he doesn't, DEMAND that he go see a professional or you're gone.
By: Alli
Age: 27
Question: I have heard of this site before and I decided to use it after I saw all the women you have helped.
I'm dating a man (let's call him Bob) and we've been going out for awhile now. Three months to be exact. I am so happy when I'm with him; he just makes me feel so good! But he has these moments when this...instinct kicks in.
One time we were driving home from a date, and this car came flying by and almost hit us. Bob got so mad, and he jumped out of the car and started going off at the guy. I tried calling him back, but he just said "no I'm dealing with this asshole." so I went home on foot.
This has happened twice so far, and I don't know how to handle it. Can you help me? I love him, but I don't like these little outbursts.
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling them "little outbursts." Bob has a very serious problem. Today is the asshole in the other car, tomorrow it will be you. And no, I don't mean it MIGHT be you; I mean it WILL be you.
He needs anger management counseling. Don't be swayed by "I'll try harder," or "I'll never happen again." -- it will happen again.
This is not something that Bob can fix just by wishing it. He needs professional help. It would be far better if he accepts this and goes to a counselor on his own, so give him the opportunity to do so. But if he doesn't, DEMAND that he go see a professional or you're gone.
He takes me for granted
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: lora
Age: 53
Location: nj
Question: My husband and i are separated..see each other almost everyday, i feel when it is convenient for him ...feels like he takes me for granted .... i'll be here waiting for him to come no matter when, which i am. I thought that making him think i wasn't waiting around would help. i made up a story about a women i met who wanted to introduce me to her single brother. I told him i left the situation when i realized what she intended. Thought it would shake him up a little and he would realize that just maybe someone else might be interested. Well i haven't seen or heard from him since. He left angry and never returned (5 days ago). I guess i made a mistake and don't no how to correct it. Should i tell him i made the whole thing up?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him you made it up. His walking off in anger is nothing but a form of control. Do not feed his desire to control everything about you.
You are separated for a reason, are you not? You think that whatever caused your separation will just go away if you continue to be a women lacking in self-respect (look, he only takes you for granted because you allow it), or if you lie to him? Reconciliations don't work if the couple doesn't work out their differences. If you both stay exactly the same, the results will be the same.
So he's brooding like a little boy... good. He'll get over it.
So, why are you separated? And why aren't you dating other men instead of him? I'd like to know.
By: lora
Age: 53
Location: nj
Question: My husband and i are separated..see each other almost everyday, i feel when it is convenient for him ...feels like he takes me for granted .... i'll be here waiting for him to come no matter when, which i am. I thought that making him think i wasn't waiting around would help. i made up a story about a women i met who wanted to introduce me to her single brother. I told him i left the situation when i realized what she intended. Thought it would shake him up a little and he would realize that just maybe someone else might be interested. Well i haven't seen or heard from him since. He left angry and never returned (5 days ago). I guess i made a mistake and don't no how to correct it. Should i tell him i made the whole thing up?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him you made it up. His walking off in anger is nothing but a form of control. Do not feed his desire to control everything about you.
You are separated for a reason, are you not? You think that whatever caused your separation will just go away if you continue to be a women lacking in self-respect (look, he only takes you for granted because you allow it), or if you lie to him? Reconciliations don't work if the couple doesn't work out their differences. If you both stay exactly the same, the results will be the same.
So he's brooding like a little boy... good. He'll get over it.
So, why are you separated? And why aren't you dating other men instead of him? I'd like to know.
I think distance can be a negative
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: Jane
Age: 42
Location: OK
Question: Hello Victor: I came across your site and have read your responses and advice to many and I hope you can help me? Recently I met a man at a university event. We had a terrific conversation and exchanged email, office #'s. We've been corresponding via email on many personal topics. We are in different colleges so the chances that we will run into each other is slight. I think distance can be a negative, and if we don't cross paths, the email may not encourage further interaction - which is the opposite of what I am hoping for. I don't want to be too aggressive, yet, timing seems to be key. What do you advise? I did ask him to coffee, but because he is traveling on business, he asked if we could reschedule. I have recently rejoined the dating scene, and with my lack of dating experience, I don't want to botch getting to know this gentleman. Did I mess up an opportunity by asking him first? Help!
VictorM's advice:
It would be great if lots of guys came knocking on your door asking you out, but that's not reality, is it? You can't just sit back and wait for something to happen. At times you have to take the initiative, which is what you did by inviting him t coffee. Good for you.
Maybe he just couldn't make it that day, maybe he's not interested. Doesn't matter. You tried. Just don't get stuck on this one guy. If he comes back around and accepts your invitation, great. If not, it wasn't meant to be. He's not the only guy who likes coffee. :)
By: Jane
Age: 42
Location: OK
Question: Hello Victor: I came across your site and have read your responses and advice to many and I hope you can help me? Recently I met a man at a university event. We had a terrific conversation and exchanged email, office #'s. We've been corresponding via email on many personal topics. We are in different colleges so the chances that we will run into each other is slight. I think distance can be a negative, and if we don't cross paths, the email may not encourage further interaction - which is the opposite of what I am hoping for. I don't want to be too aggressive, yet, timing seems to be key. What do you advise? I did ask him to coffee, but because he is traveling on business, he asked if we could reschedule. I have recently rejoined the dating scene, and with my lack of dating experience, I don't want to botch getting to know this gentleman. Did I mess up an opportunity by asking him first? Help!
VictorM's advice:
It would be great if lots of guys came knocking on your door asking you out, but that's not reality, is it? You can't just sit back and wait for something to happen. At times you have to take the initiative, which is what you did by inviting him t coffee. Good for you.
Maybe he just couldn't make it that day, maybe he's not interested. Doesn't matter. You tried. Just don't get stuck on this one guy. If he comes back around and accepts your invitation, great. If not, it wasn't meant to be. He's not the only guy who likes coffee. :)
interested in the older woman
Submitted on Tuesday, July 28, 2009
By: Renee
Age: 45
Location: Hawaii
Question: What keeps a 27 year old man interested in the older woman and what will happen 20 years from now?
VictorM's advice:
Love. That's the most obvious answer. Great sex is another. ;)
And in 20 years? Love and great sex.
Don't worry so much about that far into the future. Enjoy the now. Fuck his young brains into ecstasy. :-p
By: Renee
Age: 45
Location: Hawaii
Question: What keeps a 27 year old man interested in the older woman and what will happen 20 years from now?
VictorM's advice:
Love. That's the most obvious answer. Great sex is another. ;)
And in 20 years? Love and great sex.
Don't worry so much about that far into the future. Enjoy the now. Fuck his young brains into ecstasy. :-p
I don't want children until later
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: Maria
Age: 18
Location: ......
Question: Hi again Victor! I was the girl who was a serial dater and someone called me a slut...? Well I thought you should know that I have actually found, uh, what you say, Mr.Right(?) We have been dating for awhile and were talking about marriage. My mother is completely gone from my personal life, but we still talk. And the boy who called me a slut, he is dating my best friend. All I have to ask is...what do I do when he starts asking about children? I will only be nineteen when we marry, and I don't want children until later. Thank you so much for all your help!!! And everyone else's uh constructive criticism(?) :D
VictorM's advice:
The best advice I can give you is: be honest. Honesty is your friend. Tell him how you feel about not wanting children at this time.
By: Maria
Age: 18
Location: ......
Question: Hi again Victor! I was the girl who was a serial dater and someone called me a slut...? Well I thought you should know that I have actually found, uh, what you say, Mr.Right(?) We have been dating for awhile and were talking about marriage. My mother is completely gone from my personal life, but we still talk. And the boy who called me a slut, he is dating my best friend. All I have to ask is...what do I do when he starts asking about children? I will only be nineteen when we marry, and I don't want children until later. Thank you so much for all your help!!! And everyone else's uh constructive criticism(?) :D
VictorM's advice:
The best advice I can give you is: be honest. Honesty is your friend. Tell him how you feel about not wanting children at this time.
The last time I saw him we were sober
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: GLOW
Age: 24
Location: CA
Question: I've been sleeping with a guy off and on for about 5 months. I told him that due to the 4 year relationship I just ended, I wasn't interested in starting a new one so soon. This was true at that time. We have never really been on a date (we met at a bar), just hanging out for a substantial amount of time then hitting the sack. He has told me that he likes me alot and he also feels the need to tell me a lot about himself and ask alot about me.. his life... upbringing..blah.. blah. ;) Anyways, you've guessed it... I'm starting to like him. The last time I saw him we were sober (we drink a bit!) and he told me he was falling in love with me. My fear of getting close caused me to not say what I really felt but: ME: "Huh?" Him: "I ammm" Me: "Don't do that.. I really don't want a relationship.. I like you a lot though.. I just want to hang out and have fun" That night ended just like any other night... he wanted to get breakfast, I declined and had him give me a ride home. That was a month ago. Since, I've tried to see him and he always declines or has some excuse to not see me. I recently went away for the summer and the day I was leaving he called me (3am) he apologized for not keeping in touch and wishes he could have seen me before I left. Anyway, here's some reasons I think him liking me or being in love is bullshit: the obvious lack of communication this last month and the little amount of time we've known each other (SOBER!). I ultimately think he said this to get me emotionally hooked on him.. he has my body but wants my mind too?? Make sense? Player type shit?? Or on the flip side, I made him feel dumb about what he said and he wants to avoid me altogether?? This I ruled out because two days after the "I'm falling in love" night I invited him (via text) over for a cook out and he said he couldn't cause he had been doing dumb shit around his house... (I had in the past made a comment(s) about his room being filthy, his comforter needed replaced and his dog kinda stunk)(these were politely said on diff. occasions and def. needed to be addressed)... On this particular day he told me he bought a new comforter, cleaned his room and gave his dog a bath! This was two days after he told me he was falling in love, so if he felt dumb about saying what he did, why would he further the humility by admitting doing these things?? So, what do you think? Does he like me? Love me? Did I scare him away? Is he just really good at playing girls and telling them what they want to hear? Thanks a bunch!
VictorM's advice:
He ceased contact for a month because he was hurt and/or didn't have the balls to handle a rejection. That has nothing to do with whether he has feelings for you or not. But I'm not so sure that "love" is the driving force. Sounds to me like he's just a lonely soul living an empty live, without much motivation to be a better person. That explains the messy conditions at home and the frequent alcohol consumption. He sees in you a kindred soul -- your house may not be messy but at 24, drinking as you do? You're an equal mess. You're both wasting your fucking lives away. You're both killing yourselves with alcohol and you're worried about a smelly dog? Give me a fucking break.
I don't know his true intentions, but he tried to respond to things that you had complained about, and that sounds like a start. However, it strikes me as neither one of you being able to help the other that much because you're both unable to deal with your own problems, which explains the drinking.
By: GLOW
Age: 24
Location: CA
Question: I've been sleeping with a guy off and on for about 5 months. I told him that due to the 4 year relationship I just ended, I wasn't interested in starting a new one so soon. This was true at that time. We have never really been on a date (we met at a bar), just hanging out for a substantial amount of time then hitting the sack. He has told me that he likes me alot and he also feels the need to tell me a lot about himself and ask alot about me.. his life... upbringing..blah.. blah. ;) Anyways, you've guessed it... I'm starting to like him. The last time I saw him we were sober (we drink a bit!) and he told me he was falling in love with me. My fear of getting close caused me to not say what I really felt but: ME: "Huh?" Him: "I ammm" Me: "Don't do that.. I really don't want a relationship.. I like you a lot though.. I just want to hang out and have fun" That night ended just like any other night... he wanted to get breakfast, I declined and had him give me a ride home. That was a month ago. Since, I've tried to see him and he always declines or has some excuse to not see me. I recently went away for the summer and the day I was leaving he called me (3am) he apologized for not keeping in touch and wishes he could have seen me before I left. Anyway, here's some reasons I think him liking me or being in love is bullshit: the obvious lack of communication this last month and the little amount of time we've known each other (SOBER!). I ultimately think he said this to get me emotionally hooked on him.. he has my body but wants my mind too?? Make sense? Player type shit?? Or on the flip side, I made him feel dumb about what he said and he wants to avoid me altogether?? This I ruled out because two days after the "I'm falling in love" night I invited him (via text) over for a cook out and he said he couldn't cause he had been doing dumb shit around his house... (I had in the past made a comment(s) about his room being filthy, his comforter needed replaced and his dog kinda stunk)(these were politely said on diff. occasions and def. needed to be addressed)... On this particular day he told me he bought a new comforter, cleaned his room and gave his dog a bath! This was two days after he told me he was falling in love, so if he felt dumb about saying what he did, why would he further the humility by admitting doing these things?? So, what do you think? Does he like me? Love me? Did I scare him away? Is he just really good at playing girls and telling them what they want to hear? Thanks a bunch!
VictorM's advice:
He ceased contact for a month because he was hurt and/or didn't have the balls to handle a rejection. That has nothing to do with whether he has feelings for you or not. But I'm not so sure that "love" is the driving force. Sounds to me like he's just a lonely soul living an empty live, without much motivation to be a better person. That explains the messy conditions at home and the frequent alcohol consumption. He sees in you a kindred soul -- your house may not be messy but at 24, drinking as you do? You're an equal mess. You're both wasting your fucking lives away. You're both killing yourselves with alcohol and you're worried about a smelly dog? Give me a fucking break.
I don't know his true intentions, but he tried to respond to things that you had complained about, and that sounds like a start. However, it strikes me as neither one of you being able to help the other that much because you're both unable to deal with your own problems, which explains the drinking.
how can you guys keep it in for like more than ten minutes?
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: effy
Age: 17
Location: costa rica
Question: wow. you're good, and you have so much patience to read all of that. I wouldn't be able to read women's rantings, especially because us women can't even write coherent things when it comes to writing down our feelings and problems. We want to explain everything.
hey victor, what does it mean if a guy is a jerk to me when the two of us are alone, but he's nice to me when his friends are around? like, he acts more.....caring. yes, i think that's the word. more caring. but wtf? why can't he be like that when we're alone? he puts up this front. anyway, does he do it so that his friends won't hit on me? i've noticed he does it...when we're around friends of his, that i've heard have a little crush on me... does that have anything to do?
and for a guy to cum during sex, he MUST have had an orgasm, right? and...how can you guys keep it in for like more than ten minutes? can guys really do that? like when they say, i'm holding it in, can i cum now? or if they say, it's a mental thing, i can cum any time i want. I want to know the truth for him to cum first he has to have an orgasm, right, and can they really hold it in?
and can a guy really not care about his performance, like, if he's not satisfying a girl, and he says he doesn't care, does that really mean he doesn't care? or deep inside he does care, because...it hurts his ego doesn't it?
AND....last question...what would a guy think of a girl that gave him two orgasms? like...does that happen often to guys? for example last nite, this guy tried everything he could to give me an orgasm and he just couldn't, but i gave him two. what do you think he thought of me? lol he was exhausted, he just couldn't give me one, but at least he tried...unlike my boyfriend, the jerky one. (does he really not care?)
Alright, I'm so sorry, I hope I didn't confuse you. and I hope you don't think my questions are stupid.
I'm just a teenager after all....
VictorM's advice:
I'm a saint, I tell you, for reading all of these questions. :)
Your questions are not stupid at all; they are very good ones. So let's get to them...
Your boyfriend is putting up a front when he's with others because he knows they would think less of him. When he's alone with you, he's being himself. So basically, he has no respect for women. He's a big jerk and why he's still your boyfriend is puzzling to me since you seem like a smart girl.
Most guys do care about pleasing a woman and they are disappointed when that doesn't happen. Sometimes they just don't know any better, but if given direction most guys would try. Unless, like your boyfriend, they have no respect for women. Then they don't care. Those are the guys any woman with brains should avoid.
Don't keep overlooking your boyfriend's major flaws -- he's bad news. And don't become a jerk like him either because cheating isn't cool, no matter what an asshole your boyfriend is. Leave your boyfriend and keep your dignity.
Some males can hold off ejaculating more easily than others. The ones that can usually can do so by stopping for a few seconds. Some aren't open about saying "stop," so they use excuses like changing positions, which gives them a few seconds pause, often enough to prevent ejaculation. And yes, it's also mental. Some guys divert their minds, even if just for a few moments, to something other than sex to prevent ejaculation.
I'm sure that making a boy cum twice is something he's pleased about, but I'm sure he's more worried that he couldn't make you orgasm. But in the grand scheme of things, you're the one losing out, so I advise you to communicate with the boy and guide him to what pleases you the most. If a boy is caring, he most certainly will want to please you, so help him do it.
By: effy
Age: 17
Location: costa rica
Question: wow. you're good, and you have so much patience to read all of that. I wouldn't be able to read women's rantings, especially because us women can't even write coherent things when it comes to writing down our feelings and problems. We want to explain everything.
hey victor, what does it mean if a guy is a jerk to me when the two of us are alone, but he's nice to me when his friends are around? like, he acts more.....caring. yes, i think that's the word. more caring. but wtf? why can't he be like that when we're alone? he puts up this front. anyway, does he do it so that his friends won't hit on me? i've noticed he does it...when we're around friends of his, that i've heard have a little crush on me... does that have anything to do?
and for a guy to cum during sex, he MUST have had an orgasm, right? and...how can you guys keep it in for like more than ten minutes? can guys really do that? like when they say, i'm holding it in, can i cum now? or if they say, it's a mental thing, i can cum any time i want. I want to know the truth for him to cum first he has to have an orgasm, right, and can they really hold it in?
and can a guy really not care about his performance, like, if he's not satisfying a girl, and he says he doesn't care, does that really mean he doesn't care? or deep inside he does care, because...it hurts his ego doesn't it?
AND....last question...what would a guy think of a girl that gave him two orgasms? like...does that happen often to guys? for example last nite, this guy tried everything he could to give me an orgasm and he just couldn't, but i gave him two. what do you think he thought of me? lol he was exhausted, he just couldn't give me one, but at least he tried...unlike my boyfriend, the jerky one. (does he really not care?)
Alright, I'm so sorry, I hope I didn't confuse you. and I hope you don't think my questions are stupid.
I'm just a teenager after all....
VictorM's advice:
I'm a saint, I tell you, for reading all of these questions. :)
Your questions are not stupid at all; they are very good ones. So let's get to them...
Your boyfriend is putting up a front when he's with others because he knows they would think less of him. When he's alone with you, he's being himself. So basically, he has no respect for women. He's a big jerk and why he's still your boyfriend is puzzling to me since you seem like a smart girl.
Most guys do care about pleasing a woman and they are disappointed when that doesn't happen. Sometimes they just don't know any better, but if given direction most guys would try. Unless, like your boyfriend, they have no respect for women. Then they don't care. Those are the guys any woman with brains should avoid.
Don't keep overlooking your boyfriend's major flaws -- he's bad news. And don't become a jerk like him either because cheating isn't cool, no matter what an asshole your boyfriend is. Leave your boyfriend and keep your dignity.
Some males can hold off ejaculating more easily than others. The ones that can usually can do so by stopping for a few seconds. Some aren't open about saying "stop," so they use excuses like changing positions, which gives them a few seconds pause, often enough to prevent ejaculation. And yes, it's also mental. Some guys divert their minds, even if just for a few moments, to something other than sex to prevent ejaculation.
I'm sure that making a boy cum twice is something he's pleased about, but I'm sure he's more worried that he couldn't make you orgasm. But in the grand scheme of things, you're the one losing out, so I advise you to communicate with the boy and guide him to what pleases you the most. If a boy is caring, he most certainly will want to please you, so help him do it.
I have never talked to my crush
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: AD<3333
Age: 14
Location: CA
Question: Hey Victor....
So I have never talked to my crush and I don't know how to start a conversation besides greeting him. Do you have any suggestions? Please help!
VictorM's advice:
First, when you greet him, make sure two things happen: 1) you have a big smile on your face, and 2) make sure you say his name. For example, if his name is John, say "Hi, John." Saying his name makes it more personal.
Second, find out what topics he's passionate about and knows a lot about. Then, when you have an opportunity, ask him a question about one of those topics. Guys love to talk to girls if they can impress them. Give him a chance to impress you by speaking about something he knows a lot about.
By: AD<3333
Age: 14
Location: CA
Question: Hey Victor....
So I have never talked to my crush and I don't know how to start a conversation besides greeting him. Do you have any suggestions? Please help!
VictorM's advice:
First, when you greet him, make sure two things happen: 1) you have a big smile on your face, and 2) make sure you say his name. For example, if his name is John, say "Hi, John." Saying his name makes it more personal.
Second, find out what topics he's passionate about and knows a lot about. Then, when you have an opportunity, ask him a question about one of those topics. Guys love to talk to girls if they can impress them. Give him a chance to impress you by speaking about something he knows a lot about.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
To the girl from Costa Rica
I didn't skip your question. I have a few ahead of yours (I answer questions in the order received). I'm still working on the ones that came in on the 27th.
I will answer yours tomorrow (no, it's not too sexually explicit). Can you wait that long? :)
I will answer yours tomorrow (no, it's not too sexually explicit). Can you wait that long? :)
The problem: he now has a girlfriend
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: Kim
Age: 25
Location: Alberta
Question: I have a really big thing for a guy that I have known for years. When we first met he had a thing for me, but I wasn't interested. But as time has passed I have come to realize what a great guy he is. The problem: he now has a girlfriend. A few weeks ago a mutual friend let it slip that I have feelings for him. He doesn't know that I knew he was told this, and lately he has been doing really strange things. Before he knew that I like him we would see each other once or twice a month when a group of friends got together, but since he has been sending me emails and inviting me to hang out at his place and to go out places. The strange thing is he is inviting me to hang out and go places with him and his girlfriend. What is he doing?!?! I can't figure out if he likes me too or not, or why he suddenly wants to spend all this time the three of us. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Swingers.
That's the first thought that came to my head: they are swingers. :-p
I really have no other explanation. That's not the kind of reaction I would expect. I could understand if he wanted to get his ego pampered by you and made contact and such without involving his girlfriend, but to spend time with his girlfriend? Beats me. Except for the swingers possibility.
Can anyone thing of any other possibility?
By: Kim
Age: 25
Location: Alberta
Question: I have a really big thing for a guy that I have known for years. When we first met he had a thing for me, but I wasn't interested. But as time has passed I have come to realize what a great guy he is. The problem: he now has a girlfriend. A few weeks ago a mutual friend let it slip that I have feelings for him. He doesn't know that I knew he was told this, and lately he has been doing really strange things. Before he knew that I like him we would see each other once or twice a month when a group of friends got together, but since he has been sending me emails and inviting me to hang out at his place and to go out places. The strange thing is he is inviting me to hang out and go places with him and his girlfriend. What is he doing?!?! I can't figure out if he likes me too or not, or why he suddenly wants to spend all this time the three of us. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Swingers.
That's the first thought that came to my head: they are swingers. :-p
I really have no other explanation. That's not the kind of reaction I would expect. I could understand if he wanted to get his ego pampered by you and made contact and such without involving his girlfriend, but to spend time with his girlfriend? Beats me. Except for the swingers possibility.
Can anyone thing of any other possibility?
He has become friends with a girl in his office
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: Kerri
Age: 27
Location: UK
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Recently he has become friends with a girl in his office. Last week I came home to find he had left his email account open. I read through it and discovered emails from this girl. One was a conversation about going for dinner on a night I had been out of town and the other was from her saying I saw you naked. I confronted him and he said the dinner was just 2 mates getting a bite to eat after work cos he was at a loose end. The naked comment referred to when she walked in on him changing in the office. From a man's perspective do you reckon he's telling the truth or lying to cover himself?
VictorM's advice:
He could very well be telling the truth. Chances are that he is. But that's how bad things happen. Nothing good will come out of this "friendship." Nothing.
By: Kerri
Age: 27
Location: UK
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Recently he has become friends with a girl in his office. Last week I came home to find he had left his email account open. I read through it and discovered emails from this girl. One was a conversation about going for dinner on a night I had been out of town and the other was from her saying I saw you naked. I confronted him and he said the dinner was just 2 mates getting a bite to eat after work cos he was at a loose end. The naked comment referred to when she walked in on him changing in the office. From a man's perspective do you reckon he's telling the truth or lying to cover himself?
VictorM's advice:
He could very well be telling the truth. Chances are that he is. But that's how bad things happen. Nothing good will come out of this "friendship." Nothing.
His ex-gf texted him to come over because she was "lonely"
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, I find your advice very useful in everything and with that being said, I was wondering something. The guy I'm seeing told me a couple days ago about how his ex-gf texted him to come over because she was "lonely". He tells me he didn't go because he doesn't want to touch that with a ten-foot pole and how he doesn't want to be a f#%k buddy (I can't remember his exact words, but something very similar). I trust him when he says he didn't go over there, but he didn't have to tell me that he got her text. So I'm just wondering why did he tell me about the text? This whole thing was totally out of the blue too.
VictorM's advice:
He told you about her text to be honest and forthcoming.
By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: Hi Victor, I find your advice very useful in everything and with that being said, I was wondering something. The guy I'm seeing told me a couple days ago about how his ex-gf texted him to come over because she was "lonely". He tells me he didn't go because he doesn't want to touch that with a ten-foot pole and how he doesn't want to be a f#%k buddy (I can't remember his exact words, but something very similar). I trust him when he says he didn't go over there, but he didn't have to tell me that he got her text. So I'm just wondering why did he tell me about the text? This whole thing was totally out of the blue too.
VictorM's advice:
He told you about her text to be honest and forthcoming.
"Girls have cooties"
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: Constance
Age: 18
Location: Rite here
Question: Okay, so my boyfriend and I have I own each other since I was in first grade and he was in fourth. We started dating when I was thirteen.
Let me give you a little peek into his personality:::he's a ex metal head now wannabe gangsta. This little transformation happened when his dad died. He does stupid things ALL THE TIME bcuz he...well he's a boy (man I should say).
He has anger issues, and he takes pills for it. But sometimes he forgets and god a little over the edge.
All my friends want me to get away from him, but I can't!! I still see the little ten year old boy who said "girls have cooties" and the thirteen year old who promised me he'd never let anyone hurt me! I can't just say goodbye to him, but my friends say I should. Can you give me advice on what the hell to do??!
VictorM's advice:
If you can't say goodbye to him because of the memories of boy who doesn't exist anymore, say goodbye to being happy. It's that simple.
By: Constance
Age: 18
Location: Rite here
Question: Okay, so my boyfriend and I have I own each other since I was in first grade and he was in fourth. We started dating when I was thirteen.
Let me give you a little peek into his personality:::he's a ex metal head now wannabe gangsta. This little transformation happened when his dad died. He does stupid things ALL THE TIME bcuz he...well he's a boy (man I should say).
He has anger issues, and he takes pills for it. But sometimes he forgets and god a little over the edge.
All my friends want me to get away from him, but I can't!! I still see the little ten year old boy who said "girls have cooties" and the thirteen year old who promised me he'd never let anyone hurt me! I can't just say goodbye to him, but my friends say I should. Can you give me advice on what the hell to do??!
VictorM's advice:
If you can't say goodbye to him because of the memories of boy who doesn't exist anymore, say goodbye to being happy. It's that simple.
My husband was a fireman
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: Anna
Age: Old enough
Location: LaLaLand
Question: Hi Victor! I've never used this site before, but my friends use it, so I decided to give it a try.
I'm a widow. My husband was a fireman, and he was killed in a forest fire. We were so in love, and I was devastated.
I went into this depression, and didn't ever get out there and try and date. My friends tried to cheer me up, but I was just...
Well one night they managed to drag me out to a singles bar (yeah, they went there.) and I met this man. There wasn't anything exceptional about him, except that he looked exactly like my husband! We got talking, and swapped numbers, and found out that we had a lot in common.
We became great friends, but I knew that he was dropping hints about hooking up. I would love to do that, but I don't know if I can!! There are two things I fear: 1.) he's a police officer, what if HE dies?! 2.) He leaves me for another woman because I'm super crazy...??!!
Please help me, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
You have been devastated before, were depressed, but you've made it. It didn't kill you. Humans are very resilient. You are proof of that.
1. Police officers, like firemen, have dangerous jobs but they aren't any more likely to die than the average population. Why? They are better trained to deal with what comes their way and have adequate tools and support. I know your husband was a victim, but that has nothing at all to do with the odds of the police officer getting killed.
2. I'm assuming he'll get to know you over the next several weeks. If you're super crazy and he sticks around, that's a plus for you. If he doesn't like that about you, he's just not going to stick around. So date him and be your super crazy self.
By: Anna
Age: Old enough
Location: LaLaLand
Question: Hi Victor! I've never used this site before, but my friends use it, so I decided to give it a try.
I'm a widow. My husband was a fireman, and he was killed in a forest fire. We were so in love, and I was devastated.
I went into this depression, and didn't ever get out there and try and date. My friends tried to cheer me up, but I was just...
Well one night they managed to drag me out to a singles bar (yeah, they went there.) and I met this man. There wasn't anything exceptional about him, except that he looked exactly like my husband! We got talking, and swapped numbers, and found out that we had a lot in common.
We became great friends, but I knew that he was dropping hints about hooking up. I would love to do that, but I don't know if I can!! There are two things I fear: 1.) he's a police officer, what if HE dies?! 2.) He leaves me for another woman because I'm super crazy...??!!
Please help me, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
You have been devastated before, were depressed, but you've made it. It didn't kill you. Humans are very resilient. You are proof of that.
1. Police officers, like firemen, have dangerous jobs but they aren't any more likely to die than the average population. Why? They are better trained to deal with what comes their way and have adequate tools and support. I know your husband was a victim, but that has nothing at all to do with the odds of the police officer getting killed.
2. I'm assuming he'll get to know you over the next several weeks. If you're super crazy and he sticks around, that's a plus for you. If he doesn't like that about you, he's just not going to stick around. So date him and be your super crazy self.
I have a male best friend a lot older than me
Submitted on Monday, July 27, 2009
By: belinda
Age: 29
Location: Australia
Question: I have a male best friend a lot older than me. I have in the past had some feelings towards him but have been totally honest about it, as I have been concerned about the friendship. Ideally i would love to be with him but I am ok with us just being mates if thats what he wants. We are pretty close and have got each other through some bad times, and we have hardly go a day with out some kind of contact. I am however concerned with being used as it feels like this constant contact only happens when he feels bad. I am happy to be there for him but it seems when things get good the contact fades. Why is this?
I am coming to terms with the fact he doesn't want to be with me romantically although very hard, and I am trying to be supportive but i am getting a bit dizzy by his mind change. Just the other day he told me he was happy on his own for the time being. Then tonight said out of the blue, so you haven't found someone for me yet. I told him i could do that but didn't think that was what he wanted. he then replied no that's ok i am happy being on my own at the moment thanks all the same.
So i have tried to be supportive even though my heart is breaking coz i do want to see him happy but he is messing with my head.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN AND WHY? please help me understand.
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no use for female friends unless there is some ulterior motive. He contacts you when he feels bad. At other times, he has no interest in a friendship. That's typical of most guys.
Your wish for friendship with him has as much chance of materializing as wishing for unicorns; you can't have the friendship you wish for with him. Never. Knowing this, he only messes with your mind if you allow it.
By: belinda
Age: 29
Location: Australia
Question: I have a male best friend a lot older than me. I have in the past had some feelings towards him but have been totally honest about it, as I have been concerned about the friendship. Ideally i would love to be with him but I am ok with us just being mates if thats what he wants. We are pretty close and have got each other through some bad times, and we have hardly go a day with out some kind of contact. I am however concerned with being used as it feels like this constant contact only happens when he feels bad. I am happy to be there for him but it seems when things get good the contact fades. Why is this?
I am coming to terms with the fact he doesn't want to be with me romantically although very hard, and I am trying to be supportive but i am getting a bit dizzy by his mind change. Just the other day he told me he was happy on his own for the time being. Then tonight said out of the blue, so you haven't found someone for me yet. I told him i could do that but didn't think that was what he wanted. he then replied no that's ok i am happy being on my own at the moment thanks all the same.
So i have tried to be supportive even though my heart is breaking coz i do want to see him happy but he is messing with my head.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN AND WHY? please help me understand.
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no use for female friends unless there is some ulterior motive. He contacts you when he feels bad. At other times, he has no interest in a friendship. That's typical of most guys.
Your wish for friendship with him has as much chance of materializing as wishing for unicorns; you can't have the friendship you wish for with him. Never. Knowing this, he only messes with your mind if you allow it.
On and off boyfriend
Submitted on Sunday, July 26, 2009
By: Fanpire4eva
Age: 16
Location: TX
Question: Hey Victor! I've noticed you help people with really good advice. So I gotta a guy problem. See my on and off boyfriend (who i haven't seen since school) is moving away and I will never see him ever again! It isn't fair but I still don't know if we are still together but I am still crazy for him a little. Can ya help me at all?!
VictorM's advice:
Sorry, I can't. You really need to ask him. Now, if you aren't talking now to each other, what's the point anyway?
And how can you be crazy about someone a little? Crazy means a lot. If it's a little, than you just like him.
I have a feeling you should be focusing on the boys that are living around you and let this one go.
By: Fanpire4eva
Age: 16
Location: TX
Question: Hey Victor! I've noticed you help people with really good advice. So I gotta a guy problem. See my on and off boyfriend (who i haven't seen since school) is moving away and I will never see him ever again! It isn't fair but I still don't know if we are still together but I am still crazy for him a little. Can ya help me at all?!
VictorM's advice:
Sorry, I can't. You really need to ask him. Now, if you aren't talking now to each other, what's the point anyway?
And how can you be crazy about someone a little? Crazy means a lot. If it's a little, than you just like him.
I have a feeling you should be focusing on the boys that are living around you and let this one go.
Is it normal?
Submitted on Sunday, July 26, 2009
By: Tionna
Age: 11
Location: ga
Question: is it normal that i'm 11 about to turn 12 and don't have breast?
Also is it normal that a knot keeps coming and going underneath both my nipples and doesn't stay to make my nipple poke out to make it grow? What does that mean when it does that and is it normal?
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to ask female readers to help out with this question... ladies, please use the visitor comment section below this question to help Tionna with her questions.
By: Tionna
Age: 11
Location: ga
Question: is it normal that i'm 11 about to turn 12 and don't have breast?
Also is it normal that a knot keeps coming and going underneath both my nipples and doesn't stay to make my nipple poke out to make it grow? What does that mean when it does that and is it normal?
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to ask female readers to help out with this question... ladies, please use the visitor comment section below this question to help Tionna with her questions.
Maybe
Submitted on Sunday, July 26, 2009
By: Kiki
Age: 15
Question: I asked a guy if he wanted to hang out sometime and he just said maybe. Does that mean he was just trying to be nice and not just say no?
VictorM's advice:
In a situation like the one you described, "maybe" is never, never, never a good answer.
By: Kiki
Age: 15
Question: I asked a guy if he wanted to hang out sometime and he just said maybe. Does that mean he was just trying to be nice and not just say no?
VictorM's advice:
In a situation like the one you described, "maybe" is never, never, never a good answer.
I know he lost his wife from a possible suicide
Submitted on Sunday, July 26, 2009
By: Fran
Age: 39
Location: NY
Question: I have been a fan of facebook and an old high school acquaintance that was a grade behind me said he always had a crush on me. I know he lost his wife from a possible suicide and his mother two years ago and he seems to have some problems. He also has three children ages 7 and twins 5 that he takes care of himself. His my space says he is in a relationship and will marry someone by the end of 2009 but he told me it hasn't worked out and i do believe him cause he left comments about not working out with his old lady. I gave him my phone number and said you can always chat with me when ever you like.
I text him more than he does me with nice sayings such as feel free to chat with me or how is your day?? He has texted back to me on many occasions but ended up sexual and he says he is interested in me but haven't heard from him since Friday afternoon (three days total now) no call, no texts nothing--I have even left a few voicemails and am sitting wondering how can someone tell you they have a crush and not follow through to see if we have any friendship and things in common. I really would like to know but it seems he doesn't?? Am i trying to hard or should i just let it be and not contact him and see if he pursues me??? What do you think i should do at this point? I am so confused??
VictorM's advice:
Not to be crass, but while his mother and wife died, his pecker is very much alive. And, like a typical guy, he has no need for female friendship. He acted on the crush and kept contact with you for a while. But if he has lost interest, chances are you aren't going to hear from him at all, or you might, but he'll give you mostly excuses.
Crushes can be fleeting and they can disappear rather quickly. Particularly if you're getting all girly on him with the annoying text messages (that's right, frequent texting with silly comments are annoying to most guys).
Leave him alone. If he's still interest in you he'll contact you, otherwise, the crush simply dissipated, or he got a better offer.
By: Fran
Age: 39
Location: NY
Question: I have been a fan of facebook and an old high school acquaintance that was a grade behind me said he always had a crush on me. I know he lost his wife from a possible suicide and his mother two years ago and he seems to have some problems. He also has three children ages 7 and twins 5 that he takes care of himself. His my space says he is in a relationship and will marry someone by the end of 2009 but he told me it hasn't worked out and i do believe him cause he left comments about not working out with his old lady. I gave him my phone number and said you can always chat with me when ever you like.
I text him more than he does me with nice sayings such as feel free to chat with me or how is your day?? He has texted back to me on many occasions but ended up sexual and he says he is interested in me but haven't heard from him since Friday afternoon (three days total now) no call, no texts nothing--I have even left a few voicemails and am sitting wondering how can someone tell you they have a crush and not follow through to see if we have any friendship and things in common. I really would like to know but it seems he doesn't?? Am i trying to hard or should i just let it be and not contact him and see if he pursues me??? What do you think i should do at this point? I am so confused??
VictorM's advice:
Not to be crass, but while his mother and wife died, his pecker is very much alive. And, like a typical guy, he has no need for female friendship. He acted on the crush and kept contact with you for a while. But if he has lost interest, chances are you aren't going to hear from him at all, or you might, but he'll give you mostly excuses.
Crushes can be fleeting and they can disappear rather quickly. Particularly if you're getting all girly on him with the annoying text messages (that's right, frequent texting with silly comments are annoying to most guys).
Leave him alone. If he's still interest in you he'll contact you, otherwise, the crush simply dissipated, or he got a better offer.
I apologized if I had made any mistakes
Submitted on Sunday, July 26, 2009
By: Rossi
Age: 19
Location: India
Question: Actually this problem is going on since last year. This guy flirted non-verbal with me. For a about a month. I didn’t give in right a way. Simply because I was confused. He would always smile at me. Take glances across the room. Make attempts to look at me. He knew the place where i would sit in class. so he would just look and smile.
please read this part carefully. . one day when my classes got over he had been following me. I turned back, looked at him, and walked off. FROM NEXT day onwards when he would see me he gave me a frustrated look with lot of anger. it's then that i had made attempt to talk to him. The next day again. I said hi to him asking his name. there after when i was having my first period in college. He came near my class, stood for 5 minutes staring at me. When the break time had come I looked at him from across the room. he looked at me. but I just ran off. it's then when i had asked him for friendship. He was serious. Anyways he agreed with it.
I did tell you. He wouldn’t talk to me. Well I then had moved on.
After weeks . One fine day he just looked at me, smiled, and raised his eyebrows. funnily. after that, one fine day just took over me. Bumped into me. When I was walking by his classroom. He came running sat near the corridors for me to look at him. he would look at me. But I made a eye contact. Boom he would look away.. ok. our vacations began.
for about 6 months i didn’t talk to him. And he would also not make any efforts.
this January. I was just walking down the road with my friends. he was just behind me. i looked at him. and he said hi with a smile and eyebrows raised. the next day in college he did make attempts to talk to me. But i was sooooooo scared and nervous. so i didn't give in. but rather when i and my friend. Did laugh at him. Just because he was peeping inside my class searching for me.
anyway, after that he stopped making any approach. after some weeks i had approached him with lot of courage. he was fine. smiling. talking to me. listening patiently. suddenly while he was talking to me. he would touch his arms and cross them.
we both became friends. in the sense he would never make attempts to come and talk to me. all he would do is if he got a chance just glance and go away. he would remove his cell from the pocket but never asked my number. so finally one day i asked him his number. he would never text me. so again i was the one to text him and yes .. he would reply.
but what i felt was something was wrong. he wouldn't retaliate.
by the way as the days went by. once i did text him... asking him to open up himself to me. i told him .. if he had anything to say.. not hesitate but to speak up. he texted me saying... we will talk in college.
plzzzzzzzzz read this carefully.
the next day in college when i had encountered him... he wouldn't look in to my eyes... he was looking the other side and smiling away. i then asked him did you take it seriously. he replied saying YES.... i then did not feel comfortable. so i blew off everything saying it was a JOKE.... then he again constantly was looking the other side and smiled.... and then finally he was stuttering and shivering, placed his hand on the cheek. after that he was all happy .
i was shocked by his behaviour... not knowing what went wrong.
again after a few days i asked him to express himself... to say anything he has to say... he wouldn't reply me... i apologized if i had made any mistakes which hurt him... but he wouldn't reply.
then finally he did reply saying... i have nothing to tell you..
I AM SOORRYYY.... i know it's looong... but can you plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz tell me.... what went on exactly... did this guy play up with him... or he really liked me.
if you don't mind... the last para.... i had described his body language... can you understand it.:) and just let me know what happened. :)
thank you
Rossi
VictorM's advice:
Well, Rossi, your story makes you two sound like characters in a Federico Fellini movie.
The boy you talk about sounds like a very peculiar guy, which makes me wonder why you even bothered this much with such a guy.
Sounds to me like he was interested and was doing the typical shy guy thing, taking his time and keeping a distance. Then you made the first move and that spoiled it. He smiled because his ego was satisfied that he had gotten your attention, but at the same time, now that the challenge was gone, he lost interest, hence his "I have nothing to tell you."
By: Rossi
Age: 19
Location: India
Question: Actually this problem is going on since last year. This guy flirted non-verbal with me. For a about a month. I didn’t give in right a way. Simply because I was confused. He would always smile at me. Take glances across the room. Make attempts to look at me. He knew the place where i would sit in class. so he would just look and smile.
please read this part carefully. . one day when my classes got over he had been following me. I turned back, looked at him, and walked off. FROM NEXT day onwards when he would see me he gave me a frustrated look with lot of anger. it's then that i had made attempt to talk to him. The next day again. I said hi to him asking his name. there after when i was having my first period in college. He came near my class, stood for 5 minutes staring at me. When the break time had come I looked at him from across the room. he looked at me. but I just ran off. it's then when i had asked him for friendship. He was serious. Anyways he agreed with it.
I did tell you. He wouldn’t talk to me. Well I then had moved on.
After weeks . One fine day he just looked at me, smiled, and raised his eyebrows. funnily. after that, one fine day just took over me. Bumped into me. When I was walking by his classroom. He came running sat near the corridors for me to look at him. he would look at me. But I made a eye contact. Boom he would look away.. ok. our vacations began.
for about 6 months i didn’t talk to him. And he would also not make any efforts.
this January. I was just walking down the road with my friends. he was just behind me. i looked at him. and he said hi with a smile and eyebrows raised. the next day in college he did make attempts to talk to me. But i was sooooooo scared and nervous. so i didn't give in. but rather when i and my friend. Did laugh at him. Just because he was peeping inside my class searching for me.
anyway, after that he stopped making any approach. after some weeks i had approached him with lot of courage. he was fine. smiling. talking to me. listening patiently. suddenly while he was talking to me. he would touch his arms and cross them.
we both became friends. in the sense he would never make attempts to come and talk to me. all he would do is if he got a chance just glance and go away. he would remove his cell from the pocket but never asked my number. so finally one day i asked him his number. he would never text me. so again i was the one to text him and yes .. he would reply.
but what i felt was something was wrong. he wouldn't retaliate.
by the way as the days went by. once i did text him... asking him to open up himself to me. i told him .. if he had anything to say.. not hesitate but to speak up. he texted me saying... we will talk in college.
plzzzzzzzzz read this carefully.
the next day in college when i had encountered him... he wouldn't look in to my eyes... he was looking the other side and smiling away. i then asked him did you take it seriously. he replied saying YES.... i then did not feel comfortable. so i blew off everything saying it was a JOKE.... then he again constantly was looking the other side and smiled.... and then finally he was stuttering and shivering, placed his hand on the cheek. after that he was all happy .
i was shocked by his behaviour... not knowing what went wrong.
again after a few days i asked him to express himself... to say anything he has to say... he wouldn't reply me... i apologized if i had made any mistakes which hurt him... but he wouldn't reply.
then finally he did reply saying... i have nothing to tell you..
I AM SOORRYYY.... i know it's looong... but can you plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz tell me.... what went on exactly... did this guy play up with him... or he really liked me.
if you don't mind... the last para.... i had described his body language... can you understand it.:) and just let me know what happened. :)
thank you
Rossi
VictorM's advice:
Well, Rossi, your story makes you two sound like characters in a Federico Fellini movie.
The boy you talk about sounds like a very peculiar guy, which makes me wonder why you even bothered this much with such a guy.
Sounds to me like he was interested and was doing the typical shy guy thing, taking his time and keeping a distance. Then you made the first move and that spoiled it. He smiled because his ego was satisfied that he had gotten your attention, but at the same time, now that the challenge was gone, he lost interest, hence his "I have nothing to tell you."
Sunday, July 26, 2009
She says she is OK
Submitted on Saturday, July 25, 2009
By: EmmettLover<3333
Age: 15
Location: ny
Question: hey victor I have used your advice before and I think you have helped me on so many levels. Well right now my friend (literally) she needs your advice. See this guy she's been on-and-off dating is moving away. She says she is OK but I know that she is hurt. And I am pretty sure is that she still loves him. What do you think she should do considering the fact that she will never see him again and she doesn't know if they are still together. Can you help my friend at all? Please!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you should take her word that she's OK. She's not saying she's not hurt; she's just saying she can handle it. Suffering is part of being human. If a loved one is going away, of course it'll hurt.
I know you don't like to see your friend in pain, but only a cold person would not suffer under these conditions. Allow her to feel the pain. When we're allowed to mourn, to cry, to feel sad, we tend to heal better.
By: EmmettLover<3333
Age: 15
Location: ny
Question: hey victor I have used your advice before and I think you have helped me on so many levels. Well right now my friend (literally) she needs your advice. See this guy she's been on-and-off dating is moving away. She says she is OK but I know that she is hurt. And I am pretty sure is that she still loves him. What do you think she should do considering the fact that she will never see him again and she doesn't know if they are still together. Can you help my friend at all? Please!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you should take her word that she's OK. She's not saying she's not hurt; she's just saying she can handle it. Suffering is part of being human. If a loved one is going away, of course it'll hurt.
I know you don't like to see your friend in pain, but only a cold person would not suffer under these conditions. Allow her to feel the pain. When we're allowed to mourn, to cry, to feel sad, we tend to heal better.
I want to get him a very pricey gift
Submitted on Saturday, July 25, 2009
By: Misty
Age: 35
Location: Texas
Question: I am SO proud of my guy he is graduating from a condensed program in a few short months. He has worked extremely hard to get through this program. The problem is I want to get him a very pricey gift. We have been together a little over 2 years and I make 5 times what he makes a year. His friends already rib him about me being his sugar mama. I am throwing him a party after graduation with all his friends. I have found the perfect gift would it be too much if I bought it I have already got him a small gift. I don't want him to be embarrassed in front of his friends. (By the way I could careless how much money he makes but I know its a pride thing for him). Do I buy the pricey gift and give it to him in private and the small gift with everyone else or not at all and save it for xmas. I just don't want to take anything away from his big day.
VictorM's advice:
You said you found the perfect gift... perfect according to whom? What makes it a perfect gift, regardless of price, is to give him something you know for sure that HE would like, not what YOU like.
So, if anything comes close to embarrassing him, it's not a perfect gift. It's in fact, a crap gift. Guys simply don't value gifts the same way girls do, which is what makes so many of us crappy gift-givers.
By: Misty
Age: 35
Location: Texas
Question: I am SO proud of my guy he is graduating from a condensed program in a few short months. He has worked extremely hard to get through this program. The problem is I want to get him a very pricey gift. We have been together a little over 2 years and I make 5 times what he makes a year. His friends already rib him about me being his sugar mama. I am throwing him a party after graduation with all his friends. I have found the perfect gift would it be too much if I bought it I have already got him a small gift. I don't want him to be embarrassed in front of his friends. (By the way I could careless how much money he makes but I know its a pride thing for him). Do I buy the pricey gift and give it to him in private and the small gift with everyone else or not at all and save it for xmas. I just don't want to take anything away from his big day.
VictorM's advice:
You said you found the perfect gift... perfect according to whom? What makes it a perfect gift, regardless of price, is to give him something you know for sure that HE would like, not what YOU like.
So, if anything comes close to embarrassing him, it's not a perfect gift. It's in fact, a crap gift. Guys simply don't value gifts the same way girls do, which is what makes so many of us crappy gift-givers.
Message to princess, from Australia
I don't know why the visitor comments section didn't work for you. Maybe it was just a temporary problem. In any case, I posted your follow-up comment and my reply. Click here to read it.
We have so much fun together and things are great
Submitted on Saturday, July 25, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 30
Location: Georgia
Question: I've been seeing a wonderful guy for a little over a year now. We have so much fun together and things are great. My only concern with our relationship is that every few months or so he freaks out and acts a little distant. He starts talking a lot about marriage. And not in a good way. He starts pointing out all the bad things that happen once other people get married. He also has brought up the fact that he's 10 years older than me. (Which is not an issue normally.) And then he gets really quiet for about a week or so. He still calls and we still see each other. He's just very distant and it's not as often. Then after the week or so...he's back to the fun, sweet guy I love. This has happened at least twice.
Four years ago, he went through a really bad divorce. His ex cheated on him with his best friend, who is now her new husband. He has to share joint custody with her. They have two kids. I know that it has to be a tough thing to go through. And I'm sure that would make anyone second or third guess ever marrying again. I know I would!
Here's why I'm confused... I have never even brought up the subject of marriage or even a huge commitment at all. I love this man and I don't think marrying him or not marrying him would change my feelings any. I am quite content with just being his girlfriend. But why is he freaking out over commitment issues when I have reassured him several times that I'm okay with things as they are now?
VictorM's advice:
By: Rachel
Age: 30
Location: Georgia
Question: I've been seeing a wonderful guy for a little over a year now. We have so much fun together and things are great. My only concern with our relationship is that every few months or so he freaks out and acts a little distant. He starts talking a lot about marriage. And not in a good way. He starts pointing out all the bad things that happen once other people get married. He also has brought up the fact that he's 10 years older than me. (Which is not an issue normally.) And then he gets really quiet for about a week or so. He still calls and we still see each other. He's just very distant and it's not as often. Then after the week or so...he's back to the fun, sweet guy I love. This has happened at least twice.
Four years ago, he went through a really bad divorce. His ex cheated on him with his best friend, who is now her new husband. He has to share joint custody with her. They have two kids. I know that it has to be a tough thing to go through. And I'm sure that would make anyone second or third guess ever marrying again. I know I would!
Here's why I'm confused... I have never even brought up the subject of marriage or even a huge commitment at all. I love this man and I don't think marrying him or not marrying him would change my feelings any. I am quite content with just being his girlfriend. But why is he freaking out over commitment issues when I have reassured him several times that I'm okay with things as they are now?
VictorM's advice:
You really think that he shouldn't worry about you wanting to commit just because you reassure him? He has been betrayed harshly; trusting the words of a woman isn't exactly his strong suit right now.
Guys are very prone to moods just as you describe. Once in a while, someone pushes a button that sets him off. When it happens, give him space. Let him work himself out of it. Guys really do like to solve their problems on their own.
Guys are very prone to moods just as you describe. Once in a while, someone pushes a button that sets him off. When it happens, give him space. Let him work himself out of it. Guys really do like to solve their problems on their own.
He changed a lot
Submitted on Saturday, July 25, 2009
By: Geny
Age: 18
Location: las vegas
Question: i had a boyfriend for 3 years but then he moved to Minnesota and he changed a lot! he started doing bad things while he was over there, and he's coming back to vegas. he also said that he still wants me, but he's been with other girls. so why dose he still want to be with me? and i don't want to be with a guy that does bad things
VictorM's advice:
To most guys, the most beautiful girl in the world is the one physically there. He's coming to Vegas. You're there. He has nothing to lose by trying to hook up with you. I doubt that he has good intentions.
By: Geny
Age: 18
Location: las vegas
Question: i had a boyfriend for 3 years but then he moved to Minnesota and he changed a lot! he started doing bad things while he was over there, and he's coming back to vegas. he also said that he still wants me, but he's been with other girls. so why dose he still want to be with me? and i don't want to be with a guy that does bad things
VictorM's advice:
To most guys, the most beautiful girl in the world is the one physically there. He's coming to Vegas. You're there. He has nothing to lose by trying to hook up with you. I doubt that he has good intentions.
I don't really talk to him much in person
Submitted on Saturday, July 25, 2009
By: Lyna
Age: 20
Location: Ca
Question: There's this guy who's 2 years older than me that I'm interested in. The problem is just I don't really talk to him much in person. More like he always says hi to me even when I don't see him and that's how he got my attention in the first place. Every time he says hi, I would say hi back. I don't look at him in the eyes though. He tries to talk to me by asking me questions but I would just respond with a 1 word response. I guess to the guy that means she's not interested in me? I talked to him a lot online and it's always me that IMs him to chat but yet in person I don't really talk to him. To a guy, what would they think if they meet a girl like that? talkative and initiates to talk online but in person, she's pretty quiet?
Once when I told him I needed help on math proofs, the next day at badminton he approached me and ask me about it even though I told him I didn't bring my stuff and I forgot what the question ask. He keeps asking me about it and when I got home, I send him the question. He actually had to go to a party but he helped me right away. He told me he's going to think about it a little and said he'll talk to me later but 10 minutes later, he signed on and IM me saying "ok, I think i got something" I then asked him "I thought you went to the party" he told me "i'm about to and said c ya". I was thinking, why did he try to solve / help me right away even though he had to go to a party? He could have helped me after the party or something but instead he really wanted to help me. He even signs back on too. Does this actually mean something? or does he just wants to help a friend?
I ask him if he wants to get a drink but he says let me call guy B if he wants to come. Guy B didn't pick up and so he told me he's going to go home to do some stuff and he'll talk to me online. We both went home and I thought he probably won't want to go with me. I asked him online if he still wanted to go and he said sure but he couldn't stay for long because he have to go back home to cook so he picked me up. We were somewhat talking then he said is it okay if we leave in 5-10 minutes? I said sure. It has been over 5-10 minutes and we were still talking and he didn't say anything about leaving until I said it. The question I wanted to ask was, since he wanted to ask his friend if he wanted to come does that mean he doesn't want to go alone with me? But then he went with me later on and it was just us 2?
There's another time that I asked him if he wanted to get a drink. He was actually busy that day. He told me he already got one but he said he might go to take a break and told me to call him later. Is this a sign that he wants to hang out with me?
There was also a time when I needed help on math proofs and I had a quiz the next day. He helped me for 2 whole hours at the gym's study lounge and when the gym close he offered to come over to my place to continue to help me. At my place, I told him I don't really have any more questions to ask him because I haven't look through the section yet. He was listening but didn't respond. He end up just reading his book and I just work on some problems. We didn't talk the entire time just busy doing work until midnight he asked me "do u need help on anything else?" I said no so he said "well, I'ma take off." What I wanted to ask is: Why didn't he ask me that question earlier but waited 2 hours then ask me? Is it because he wanted to spend more time with me? or am I just thinking/ reading too much into it? I have never met any guy that is that nice and help the girl until midnight. He looked very tired himself. I mentioned several times that he looked tired but he told me he feels fine.
What I notice lately is he somewhat stopped talking to me in person. He doesn't really say hi nor start a conversation with me. He still talks to me online though. He would always ask me if I am gonna go play badminton. I don't understand why he would ask me that when he's not planning to himself. Someone told me, he asked me that because he wanted to know if you're gonna go and if you're going he's gonna go too? I am not sure if that's even true. It can be just some small talk to start a conversation or pretty much have something to say right? Could it actually be both? What I do notice lately is that whenever he ask me that question, he also shows up on that day and there was one time that I said I am not showing up, he said he's not going either when I asked him if he is going. Is it just a coincidence? IS he really trying to see if I am gonna go so he knows whether he should go or not?
I told him online that I prefer to talk to people more and I told him that I wasn't trying to be someone with two different personalities like cold to him in person and talkative online. He told me not to worry so much about it and that he's the same way and he figured that's just how I am. Is this why he doesn't talk to me in person anymore? because he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable by trying to talk to me or knowing that i don't really talk in person?
My friends told me I should drop some hints but I don't really know how to. They said to flirt but what is considered flirting? All I know is i need to talk to him more in person and try to be myself. I was thinking of asking him to get a drink and have more 1 on 1 time? Is this enough to let the guy know that I am interested? I was thinking of not talking to him online anymore so I have more things to talk to him about in person. What I also want to know is, is this guy interested in me? Do I have a chance? I found out I liked him not only because he's very nice but he's always there whenever I needed him. I only know this guy for about a month. What do you suggest I should do?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like you're both socially awkward. As a consequence, I'm not so sure that there is a point in trying to extract too much information from your somewhat unusual behavior with each other.
But I can tell you that the guy is interest in you. I say that because a guy wouldn't do all the things you described just to be nice. There's always an ulterior motive. In this case, he wants to know more about you and he'll take his time doing it. That's not to say that the interest will lead anywhere, but he's snooping around, and that's a start.
Don't do anything different. Don't tell him you're interested. Let him work his magic on you. If he likes what a sees -- and with guys that could take a few months -- he'll make a move.
By: Lyna
Age: 20
Location: Ca
Question: There's this guy who's 2 years older than me that I'm interested in. The problem is just I don't really talk to him much in person. More like he always says hi to me even when I don't see him and that's how he got my attention in the first place. Every time he says hi, I would say hi back. I don't look at him in the eyes though. He tries to talk to me by asking me questions but I would just respond with a 1 word response. I guess to the guy that means she's not interested in me? I talked to him a lot online and it's always me that IMs him to chat but yet in person I don't really talk to him. To a guy, what would they think if they meet a girl like that? talkative and initiates to talk online but in person, she's pretty quiet?
Once when I told him I needed help on math proofs, the next day at badminton he approached me and ask me about it even though I told him I didn't bring my stuff and I forgot what the question ask. He keeps asking me about it and when I got home, I send him the question. He actually had to go to a party but he helped me right away. He told me he's going to think about it a little and said he'll talk to me later but 10 minutes later, he signed on and IM me saying "ok, I think i got something" I then asked him "I thought you went to the party" he told me "i'm about to and said c ya". I was thinking, why did he try to solve / help me right away even though he had to go to a party? He could have helped me after the party or something but instead he really wanted to help me. He even signs back on too. Does this actually mean something? or does he just wants to help a friend?
I ask him if he wants to get a drink but he says let me call guy B if he wants to come. Guy B didn't pick up and so he told me he's going to go home to do some stuff and he'll talk to me online. We both went home and I thought he probably won't want to go with me. I asked him online if he still wanted to go and he said sure but he couldn't stay for long because he have to go back home to cook so he picked me up. We were somewhat talking then he said is it okay if we leave in 5-10 minutes? I said sure. It has been over 5-10 minutes and we were still talking and he didn't say anything about leaving until I said it. The question I wanted to ask was, since he wanted to ask his friend if he wanted to come does that mean he doesn't want to go alone with me? But then he went with me later on and it was just us 2?
There's another time that I asked him if he wanted to get a drink. He was actually busy that day. He told me he already got one but he said he might go to take a break and told me to call him later. Is this a sign that he wants to hang out with me?
There was also a time when I needed help on math proofs and I had a quiz the next day. He helped me for 2 whole hours at the gym's study lounge and when the gym close he offered to come over to my place to continue to help me. At my place, I told him I don't really have any more questions to ask him because I haven't look through the section yet. He was listening but didn't respond. He end up just reading his book and I just work on some problems. We didn't talk the entire time just busy doing work until midnight he asked me "do u need help on anything else?" I said no so he said "well, I'ma take off." What I wanted to ask is: Why didn't he ask me that question earlier but waited 2 hours then ask me? Is it because he wanted to spend more time with me? or am I just thinking/ reading too much into it? I have never met any guy that is that nice and help the girl until midnight. He looked very tired himself. I mentioned several times that he looked tired but he told me he feels fine.
What I notice lately is he somewhat stopped talking to me in person. He doesn't really say hi nor start a conversation with me. He still talks to me online though. He would always ask me if I am gonna go play badminton. I don't understand why he would ask me that when he's not planning to himself. Someone told me, he asked me that because he wanted to know if you're gonna go and if you're going he's gonna go too? I am not sure if that's even true. It can be just some small talk to start a conversation or pretty much have something to say right? Could it actually be both? What I do notice lately is that whenever he ask me that question, he also shows up on that day and there was one time that I said I am not showing up, he said he's not going either when I asked him if he is going. Is it just a coincidence? IS he really trying to see if I am gonna go so he knows whether he should go or not?
I told him online that I prefer to talk to people more and I told him that I wasn't trying to be someone with two different personalities like cold to him in person and talkative online. He told me not to worry so much about it and that he's the same way and he figured that's just how I am. Is this why he doesn't talk to me in person anymore? because he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable by trying to talk to me or knowing that i don't really talk in person?
My friends told me I should drop some hints but I don't really know how to. They said to flirt but what is considered flirting? All I know is i need to talk to him more in person and try to be myself. I was thinking of asking him to get a drink and have more 1 on 1 time? Is this enough to let the guy know that I am interested? I was thinking of not talking to him online anymore so I have more things to talk to him about in person. What I also want to know is, is this guy interested in me? Do I have a chance? I found out I liked him not only because he's very nice but he's always there whenever I needed him. I only know this guy for about a month. What do you suggest I should do?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like you're both socially awkward. As a consequence, I'm not so sure that there is a point in trying to extract too much information from your somewhat unusual behavior with each other.
But I can tell you that the guy is interest in you. I say that because a guy wouldn't do all the things you described just to be nice. There's always an ulterior motive. In this case, he wants to know more about you and he'll take his time doing it. That's not to say that the interest will lead anywhere, but he's snooping around, and that's a start.
Don't do anything different. Don't tell him you're interested. Let him work his magic on you. If he likes what a sees -- and with guys that could take a few months -- he'll make a move.
I am very jealous of him
Submitted on Friday, July 24, 2009
By: Megan
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question:
Hello about a year ago i got married at city hall now my hubby and i live together. We new each other only a month and then we got married we got married so i can make him legal not for love but now we love each other. I am very jealous of him. He has 2 ex's and i always thinks he compares me. I guess i have no confidence and when we walk in the street and if he looks at a girl i get really mad and start a fight. I am extremely jealous and i don't know what to do.
Please help me. I have no one to speak to.
VictorM's advice:
Helping with your jealousy can't be done in a couple of paragraphs. If you can afford a professional therapist, go see one.
But I can leave you with a few observations about guys:
-- Guys don't compare. Have you ever seen us shopping? We buy what fits. Same thing about girls. We really don't compare girls. Besides, if he was interested in his exes, he would be with one of them, not you.
-- Guys love to look at other girls. It has nothing to do with love. Girls' bodies are like fine works of art. Just because I love Van Gogh's paintings doesn't stop me from appreciating Picasso's. We are simply built to appreciate the female form. Your life would be much easier if when you saw him looking at a girl, you'd say, "wow, she has awesome hair." Then you both can enjoy artwork together, because frankly, that's all other females are to us.
By: Megan
Age: 20
Location: New York
Question:
Hello about a year ago i got married at city hall now my hubby and i live together. We new each other only a month and then we got married we got married so i can make him legal not for love but now we love each other. I am very jealous of him. He has 2 ex's and i always thinks he compares me. I guess i have no confidence and when we walk in the street and if he looks at a girl i get really mad and start a fight. I am extremely jealous and i don't know what to do.
Please help me. I have no one to speak to.
VictorM's advice:
Helping with your jealousy can't be done in a couple of paragraphs. If you can afford a professional therapist, go see one.
But I can leave you with a few observations about guys:
-- Guys don't compare. Have you ever seen us shopping? We buy what fits. Same thing about girls. We really don't compare girls. Besides, if he was interested in his exes, he would be with one of them, not you.
-- Guys love to look at other girls. It has nothing to do with love. Girls' bodies are like fine works of art. Just because I love Van Gogh's paintings doesn't stop me from appreciating Picasso's. We are simply built to appreciate the female form. Your life would be much easier if when you saw him looking at a girl, you'd say, "wow, she has awesome hair." Then you both can enjoy artwork together, because frankly, that's all other females are to us.
He "needs some space"
Submitted on Friday, July 24, 2009
By: confused
Age: 16
Question: My boyfriend of over 2 years recently broke up with me claiming he "needs some space". What does this mean? a) We're on a break and we'll get back together when things cool down or b) It's over
ps- I'm respecting his wish and giving him space. We only talk when he initiates it, although I'm thinking about him all the time. Just wondering if getting on with my live and trying to come off as genuine and happy is making him think i've moved on, therefore pushing him to move on as well?
VictorM's advice:
The answer is b.
Sticking around and waiting just makes you a sucker. He's moved on; he's just too cowardly to tell you.
By: confused
Age: 16
Question: My boyfriend of over 2 years recently broke up with me claiming he "needs some space". What does this mean? a) We're on a break and we'll get back together when things cool down or b) It's over
ps- I'm respecting his wish and giving him space. We only talk when he initiates it, although I'm thinking about him all the time. Just wondering if getting on with my live and trying to come off as genuine and happy is making him think i've moved on, therefore pushing him to move on as well?
VictorM's advice:
The answer is b.
Sticking around and waiting just makes you a sucker. He's moved on; he's just too cowardly to tell you.
I take care of him while he holds the majority of the power
Submitted on Thursday, July 23, 2009
By: Samantha
Age: 16
Location: West Virginia
Question: I'm dating my best friend. I've had a thing for him since the day I met him. Ever since we broke through the weirdness of being an official couple, I've been an emotional wreck. I CAN NOT lose him although realistically, there's no reason for him to break it off anytime soon. We still do stuff we did when we were friends but we are both conservative so naturally, we're in a traditional relationship - I take care of him while he holds the majority of the power. I'm afraid that one day he'll take me for granted or think that he can walk all over me. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening?
VictorM's advice:
You taking care of him and him holding the power isn't a traditional relationship; it's your view of one.
Anytime you give someone power over you, you run the risk that they could walk over you.
Is there anything you can do? Yes. Redefine what your view of a relationship is like and make it a balanced one.
By: Samantha
Age: 16
Location: West Virginia
Question: I'm dating my best friend. I've had a thing for him since the day I met him. Ever since we broke through the weirdness of being an official couple, I've been an emotional wreck. I CAN NOT lose him although realistically, there's no reason for him to break it off anytime soon. We still do stuff we did when we were friends but we are both conservative so naturally, we're in a traditional relationship - I take care of him while he holds the majority of the power. I'm afraid that one day he'll take me for granted or think that he can walk all over me. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening?
VictorM's advice:
You taking care of him and him holding the power isn't a traditional relationship; it's your view of one.
Anytime you give someone power over you, you run the risk that they could walk over you.
Is there anything you can do? Yes. Redefine what your view of a relationship is like and make it a balanced one.
After we moved in he started to withdraw
Submitted on Thursday, July 23, 2009
By: Confused
Age: 33
Location: Canada
Question: We’ve been together a year & a half or so. After we moved in he started to withdraw and I would ask over and over wtf was going on. I was hurt and “freaked out” too I guess. Didn’t expect to move in with someone to have that happen. Why’d he bother then? Plus we were so in love and then it was like all of a sudden he withdrew. He also appeared to get paranoid or something, sometimes saying things that didn’t make sense. So this eventually lead to him breaking it off, which it seemed he was kinda struggling with letting me go and then he finally did just end it. I’ll admit the relationship became strained cuz of this, with 5 months of “what’s going on here” it would, but before he withdrew we didn’t have any problem like that. Things were cool. No big heavy discussions or whatever. To me it was like a bump in the road and let’s fix it (I was committed, I didn’t take the move in step to not put in effort) but it felt like no cooperation on the other end.
During this break up, which has been 4 months long now, 3 months of it has been where it’s like he just snapped and he’s done things like spend his money carelessly, flirted around, slept with someone once- just came across acting very selfish and didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone, including himself. What could I say? He was technically single but his behaviours looked to me like the kind of things one does to avoid or distract. And of course it hurt. Still does. I can’t figure out why I seemed to have been devalued so much.
He’s been asked apparently by people why he would break up with me. He maintains that he’s happiest alone where he’s not responsible for anything with a relationship or what it entails basically and he wants to always be alone… Never get in a relationship again, all that jazz. He says I am so special and has never loved anyone like me before but can’t help how he feels this way. (I should mention that this guy went through a really bad break up with someone he was with for a while and married to a very short time but this was probably like 8yrs ago. Got burned bad and I know this is true. Maybe it’s a factor? Since then, for the whole time until now he’s only played the field basically. Seeing different people and that’s really it, nothing serious. I am the first girl since that time he’s gotten real serious with. To him I was “the one” it seemed. He didn’t live with anyone or no lengthily commitment between the bad break up and me etc.)
We still live together cuz I’m waiting for financial reasons (and yes that’s the truth, not an excuse to stay and no, believe it or not, I have nowhere else to go-I tried. He has a place he could go until I move but he won’t go, he wants to live here but he’s gone a lot) so that’s been a challenge in itself in this situation but I kinda find that if he thinks I am shifting into “move on mode” he seems more attentive/more communication or if he thinks I think he doesn’t love me or care or ever did or whatever, he has to contest it. It’s like it bothers him if I think that.
That spark and love is still there but only if he opens up. Most of the time he keeps himself at distance and won’t go there. I know he knows it’s there and he’s purposely closing it off. Very seldom has there been moments where he opens the door slightly, but it’s happened and the feelings flood back, but then it shuts soon after. Fear?
So then really recently he has been kinda treating me like we’re together. There’s a bit of a distance he keeps but there’s the kisses, holding hands, affection, calling me babe and hunny, letting me know where he is, acting this way with me in front of his parents, inviting me to be with him often, calls me on his lunch, a couple times of questions that hinted he was jealous a bit etc… However, the distance is that I can feel he’s not giving himself completely. If he were to be asked he’d say we’re not together. I believe he just told someone that. Why wouldn’t he even just say we’re not back but just seeing each other right now… Something? That concerns me. That’s when I wonder, is he testing the waters or using me cuz it’s comfortable or for whatever reason? Of course, as I said, this is all really recent that this has taken place so maybe he’s still hesitant to jump into any form of commitment status but I don’t want to be playing house at his convenience, where he plays the “single” card when it suits him. That’s really my concern mostly. I don’t need a label per se; I just don’t want to be playing around. He knows that I’m not interested in that sort of thing. Plus if around friends or family he’s acting this certain way, which he has been, I find it embarrassing for him to turn around and say there’s nothing between us. I just look like some desperate pushover or something. I haven’t been a pushover during this break up. I’ve lived my life, gone out, been on a couple friendly dates and stuff, stood my ground but I haven’t slept with anyone or anything for that matter. I am so not ready. But with this recent behaviour of his, I’ve been letting it happen and going with the flow. I just wonder what the hell he’s doing or got in his head because despite these really recent changes, he still considers himself single and feels he wants to be alone. I haven’t asked him about what he’s doing. I just know he’d say he still feels he wants to be alone. I’m really confused and don’t want to be a fool here and won’t put up with that if he’s just playing around. I would be so mad if he is just being selfish here. How disrespectful that would be!
Can you shed any light on what you think is up here? As well, how do I respond to it to ensure he’s not just using me without it seeming confrontational or freaking him out if it’s a fear thing? I know if I were to ask, as I said, he’d say he told me he wants to be alone and say but he loves me and can’t help it or something like that. I would automatically think he’s using me in that response. But if he were testing the waters, he probably wouldn’t admit it right now. This is just crazy to me. He’s 40 and I’m 33. Is this odd for 40? What the heck is going on with this guy? I need to know if I should just move on.
Sorry so long! Need help!
VictorM's advice:
A few weeks ago, during the debate of whether waterboarding is torture, a radio shock jock from Chicago, who argued that waterboarding was not torture, volunteered to have it done. He only lasted 6 seconds. The event convinced him that waterboarding was indeed torture.
Your guy went along with living together because, like the radio jock, he had a different image of what it was like. The real deal turned out to be totally different.
There are different ways to look at the outcome of the experiment. You can question is motives or you can praise him for going as far as trying it. Your choice reveals the kind of partner you are.
Instead of comforting him and helping him through this transition, you, metephorically speaking, just dumped more water over his face by asking "over and over wtf was going on." So he basically rebelled in a big way.
Bottom line: he needs to feel that living together won't rob him of his freedom. Maybe that's suitable to you, maybe it's not, but just like you don't cure claustrophobia by locking someone in a tight closet, you don't make him open up to you by crowding him.
So, if you want his loving company, set him free and back off. If you want a more traditional husband/wife relationship, look for some one else.
By the way, I don't mean to say that what happened was your fault. You were hurt and reacted as such, in the best way you knew how, but you're not responsible for his misjudgment about what living together is like. I'm just trying to point out that your way didn't help. So rather than each one of you pointing fingers at each other, if you just accept that your reactions were not meant to hurt the other, just merely knee-jerk reactions, you might have an adult conversation about it and come to some understanding about moving forward, again, without pointing fingers.
By: Confused
Age: 33
Location: Canada
Question: We’ve been together a year & a half or so. After we moved in he started to withdraw and I would ask over and over wtf was going on. I was hurt and “freaked out” too I guess. Didn’t expect to move in with someone to have that happen. Why’d he bother then? Plus we were so in love and then it was like all of a sudden he withdrew. He also appeared to get paranoid or something, sometimes saying things that didn’t make sense. So this eventually lead to him breaking it off, which it seemed he was kinda struggling with letting me go and then he finally did just end it. I’ll admit the relationship became strained cuz of this, with 5 months of “what’s going on here” it would, but before he withdrew we didn’t have any problem like that. Things were cool. No big heavy discussions or whatever. To me it was like a bump in the road and let’s fix it (I was committed, I didn’t take the move in step to not put in effort) but it felt like no cooperation on the other end.
During this break up, which has been 4 months long now, 3 months of it has been where it’s like he just snapped and he’s done things like spend his money carelessly, flirted around, slept with someone once- just came across acting very selfish and didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone, including himself. What could I say? He was technically single but his behaviours looked to me like the kind of things one does to avoid or distract. And of course it hurt. Still does. I can’t figure out why I seemed to have been devalued so much.
He’s been asked apparently by people why he would break up with me. He maintains that he’s happiest alone where he’s not responsible for anything with a relationship or what it entails basically and he wants to always be alone… Never get in a relationship again, all that jazz. He says I am so special and has never loved anyone like me before but can’t help how he feels this way. (I should mention that this guy went through a really bad break up with someone he was with for a while and married to a very short time but this was probably like 8yrs ago. Got burned bad and I know this is true. Maybe it’s a factor? Since then, for the whole time until now he’s only played the field basically. Seeing different people and that’s really it, nothing serious. I am the first girl since that time he’s gotten real serious with. To him I was “the one” it seemed. He didn’t live with anyone or no lengthily commitment between the bad break up and me etc.)
We still live together cuz I’m waiting for financial reasons (and yes that’s the truth, not an excuse to stay and no, believe it or not, I have nowhere else to go-I tried. He has a place he could go until I move but he won’t go, he wants to live here but he’s gone a lot) so that’s been a challenge in itself in this situation but I kinda find that if he thinks I am shifting into “move on mode” he seems more attentive/more communication or if he thinks I think he doesn’t love me or care or ever did or whatever, he has to contest it. It’s like it bothers him if I think that.
That spark and love is still there but only if he opens up. Most of the time he keeps himself at distance and won’t go there. I know he knows it’s there and he’s purposely closing it off. Very seldom has there been moments where he opens the door slightly, but it’s happened and the feelings flood back, but then it shuts soon after. Fear?
So then really recently he has been kinda treating me like we’re together. There’s a bit of a distance he keeps but there’s the kisses, holding hands, affection, calling me babe and hunny, letting me know where he is, acting this way with me in front of his parents, inviting me to be with him often, calls me on his lunch, a couple times of questions that hinted he was jealous a bit etc… However, the distance is that I can feel he’s not giving himself completely. If he were to be asked he’d say we’re not together. I believe he just told someone that. Why wouldn’t he even just say we’re not back but just seeing each other right now… Something? That concerns me. That’s when I wonder, is he testing the waters or using me cuz it’s comfortable or for whatever reason? Of course, as I said, this is all really recent that this has taken place so maybe he’s still hesitant to jump into any form of commitment status but I don’t want to be playing house at his convenience, where he plays the “single” card when it suits him. That’s really my concern mostly. I don’t need a label per se; I just don’t want to be playing around. He knows that I’m not interested in that sort of thing. Plus if around friends or family he’s acting this certain way, which he has been, I find it embarrassing for him to turn around and say there’s nothing between us. I just look like some desperate pushover or something. I haven’t been a pushover during this break up. I’ve lived my life, gone out, been on a couple friendly dates and stuff, stood my ground but I haven’t slept with anyone or anything for that matter. I am so not ready. But with this recent behaviour of his, I’ve been letting it happen and going with the flow. I just wonder what the hell he’s doing or got in his head because despite these really recent changes, he still considers himself single and feels he wants to be alone. I haven’t asked him about what he’s doing. I just know he’d say he still feels he wants to be alone. I’m really confused and don’t want to be a fool here and won’t put up with that if he’s just playing around. I would be so mad if he is just being selfish here. How disrespectful that would be!
Can you shed any light on what you think is up here? As well, how do I respond to it to ensure he’s not just using me without it seeming confrontational or freaking him out if it’s a fear thing? I know if I were to ask, as I said, he’d say he told me he wants to be alone and say but he loves me and can’t help it or something like that. I would automatically think he’s using me in that response. But if he were testing the waters, he probably wouldn’t admit it right now. This is just crazy to me. He’s 40 and I’m 33. Is this odd for 40? What the heck is going on with this guy? I need to know if I should just move on.
Sorry so long! Need help!
VictorM's advice:
A few weeks ago, during the debate of whether waterboarding is torture, a radio shock jock from Chicago, who argued that waterboarding was not torture, volunteered to have it done. He only lasted 6 seconds. The event convinced him that waterboarding was indeed torture.
Your guy went along with living together because, like the radio jock, he had a different image of what it was like. The real deal turned out to be totally different.
There are different ways to look at the outcome of the experiment. You can question is motives or you can praise him for going as far as trying it. Your choice reveals the kind of partner you are.
Instead of comforting him and helping him through this transition, you, metephorically speaking, just dumped more water over his face by asking "over and over wtf was going on." So he basically rebelled in a big way.
Bottom line: he needs to feel that living together won't rob him of his freedom. Maybe that's suitable to you, maybe it's not, but just like you don't cure claustrophobia by locking someone in a tight closet, you don't make him open up to you by crowding him.
So, if you want his loving company, set him free and back off. If you want a more traditional husband/wife relationship, look for some one else.
By the way, I don't mean to say that what happened was your fault. You were hurt and reacted as such, in the best way you knew how, but you're not responsible for his misjudgment about what living together is like. I'm just trying to point out that your way didn't help. So rather than each one of you pointing fingers at each other, if you just accept that your reactions were not meant to hurt the other, just merely knee-jerk reactions, you might have an adult conversation about it and come to some understanding about moving forward, again, without pointing fingers.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
There is only one who really matters
Submitted on Thursday, July 23, 2009
By: ellie
Question: victor, you have to help me! i am going out of my mind!
so i know i always write to you about all these guys but there is only one who really matters. this guy is a coworker of mine who i met last year. basically, it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT when i saw him. ever since then, i have been absolutely crazy about him. anyway, this was back when i was working in a different branch of our office. so i tried not to really talk to him so he wouldnt know how i felt, but one time we went out all in a group. after the rest of the group left the two of us stayed together and kept drinking and dancing. he was flirting but only a little, and i did not really flirt. nothing happened. also i heard from someone at work that he had a girlfriend but i never heard him mention her. anyway after that night, he did not talk to me and a few days later i transferred offices.
well i tried to forget about him and probably like six months passed. then who do i see walking down the hallway one day, but him! of course i lost it and i was afraid to talk to him. anyway, i run into him again a few days later and this time we talk, and he tells me he has transferred to this branch. we chit chat and he tells me if i want to have coffee sometime to email him. i thought maybe he was saying it to be polite but he asked me if i knew the spelling of his name and spelled it out for me, so i figured he was serious. so then the next week i asked him to come for coffee, using the excuse that i needed some career advice (he has the job i want). i did not flirt.
then a few days later i ran into him in our cafeteria. he asked me what i was doing for lunch and i said eating with a few friends and invited him. he came and sat with us, and the entire time, for some reason, victor, i dont know what came over me, but i kept giggling and acting embarrassed. a couple of my friends who were at lunch knew i liked him so it was embarrassing for me. i think he thought it was a little strange because he looked at me funny a couple of times but didnt say anything. later my friend told me that i had completely embarrassed myself, and that he probably thought i was laughing at him!
anyway, i had promised to send him some work-related info, so after the lunch i emailed it to him, but he did not write back. so i left it at that.
ever since then, i see him in the hallways sometimes but i always hide my face or turn the other way to avoid him. he has not contacted me.
well today, i was in the cafeteria with a friend again and i saw him. so i sat at a table close to his, and when lunch was finished, i came over to him and said hi. he did not seem horrified to see me, but not especially excited either. he introduced me to his friend and we chatted for a few minutes. he asked me if i was still planning to apply for the job i had asked for his advice on and i said yes. he wished me luck and i thanked him and left. i did not flirt or smile and neither did he.
sooo what do you think? do you think he is completely uninterested? there is also a pretty strict non-interoffice dating policy here, but people do bypass it quite often. do you think he knows i like him? i have to say that he is EXTREMELY handsome, definitely one of the best looking, most charming people i have ever seen in my life, and i'm sure women bother him all the time. i am pretty myself, but im sure he is used to very beautiful women much more attractive than myself who are interested in him.
victor, please please help me because every time i even see him in the hallway for a second, i am shaken and i cant work for the rest of the day. i have never felt this way about anyone. please be completely honest. also he is a bit older than me (early 30s, while I am in my early 20s).
VictorM's advice:
I often say that guys don't grow feelings for a girl over a short period of time; it takes much longer than it does for girls. This is why lust is the bridge between meeting a girl and falling in love with her, which explains why girls think that looks are so important to guys -- in many instances they are.
That being the case, no matter how attractive he finds you, he may not be interested in losing his job over you because he simply hasn't grown feelings for you. That doesn't mean that there is no potential -- it's entirely possible that if one of you left your job something would develop between you two -- but as long as you're coworkers, he's not going to be that crazy just because you're hot.
For now, stop hiding from the guy. Smile and greet him using his name (hearing his own name from your lips raises your profile with him). At this point, remove the idea that you and him will be a couple. Just look to be someone that he enjoys talking to and seeing. Take that small step and let things happen from there.
You can always hope secretly that he loses his job. Then you can get his and maybe go out with him. ;) (haha, jk!)
By: ellie
Question: victor, you have to help me! i am going out of my mind!
so i know i always write to you about all these guys but there is only one who really matters. this guy is a coworker of mine who i met last year. basically, it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT when i saw him. ever since then, i have been absolutely crazy about him. anyway, this was back when i was working in a different branch of our office. so i tried not to really talk to him so he wouldnt know how i felt, but one time we went out all in a group. after the rest of the group left the two of us stayed together and kept drinking and dancing. he was flirting but only a little, and i did not really flirt. nothing happened. also i heard from someone at work that he had a girlfriend but i never heard him mention her. anyway after that night, he did not talk to me and a few days later i transferred offices.
well i tried to forget about him and probably like six months passed. then who do i see walking down the hallway one day, but him! of course i lost it and i was afraid to talk to him. anyway, i run into him again a few days later and this time we talk, and he tells me he has transferred to this branch. we chit chat and he tells me if i want to have coffee sometime to email him. i thought maybe he was saying it to be polite but he asked me if i knew the spelling of his name and spelled it out for me, so i figured he was serious. so then the next week i asked him to come for coffee, using the excuse that i needed some career advice (he has the job i want). i did not flirt.
then a few days later i ran into him in our cafeteria. he asked me what i was doing for lunch and i said eating with a few friends and invited him. he came and sat with us, and the entire time, for some reason, victor, i dont know what came over me, but i kept giggling and acting embarrassed. a couple of my friends who were at lunch knew i liked him so it was embarrassing for me. i think he thought it was a little strange because he looked at me funny a couple of times but didnt say anything. later my friend told me that i had completely embarrassed myself, and that he probably thought i was laughing at him!
anyway, i had promised to send him some work-related info, so after the lunch i emailed it to him, but he did not write back. so i left it at that.
ever since then, i see him in the hallways sometimes but i always hide my face or turn the other way to avoid him. he has not contacted me.
well today, i was in the cafeteria with a friend again and i saw him. so i sat at a table close to his, and when lunch was finished, i came over to him and said hi. he did not seem horrified to see me, but not especially excited either. he introduced me to his friend and we chatted for a few minutes. he asked me if i was still planning to apply for the job i had asked for his advice on and i said yes. he wished me luck and i thanked him and left. i did not flirt or smile and neither did he.
sooo what do you think? do you think he is completely uninterested? there is also a pretty strict non-interoffice dating policy here, but people do bypass it quite often. do you think he knows i like him? i have to say that he is EXTREMELY handsome, definitely one of the best looking, most charming people i have ever seen in my life, and i'm sure women bother him all the time. i am pretty myself, but im sure he is used to very beautiful women much more attractive than myself who are interested in him.
victor, please please help me because every time i even see him in the hallway for a second, i am shaken and i cant work for the rest of the day. i have never felt this way about anyone. please be completely honest. also he is a bit older than me (early 30s, while I am in my early 20s).
VictorM's advice:
I often say that guys don't grow feelings for a girl over a short period of time; it takes much longer than it does for girls. This is why lust is the bridge between meeting a girl and falling in love with her, which explains why girls think that looks are so important to guys -- in many instances they are.
That being the case, no matter how attractive he finds you, he may not be interested in losing his job over you because he simply hasn't grown feelings for you. That doesn't mean that there is no potential -- it's entirely possible that if one of you left your job something would develop between you two -- but as long as you're coworkers, he's not going to be that crazy just because you're hot.
For now, stop hiding from the guy. Smile and greet him using his name (hearing his own name from your lips raises your profile with him). At this point, remove the idea that you and him will be a couple. Just look to be someone that he enjoys talking to and seeing. Take that small step and let things happen from there.
You can always hope secretly that he loses his job. Then you can get his and maybe go out with him. ;) (haha, jk!)
Friday, July 24, 2009
We'll see where we go
Submitted on Thursday, July 23, 2009
By: princess
Age: 23
Location: Australia
Question: We've been out several times and he is not sure as to what we are..he is interested in me and he said so himself..he also confessed that he likes me and enjoys spending time with me..and finally he said that we'll see where we go. What is he meaning? I really do like him too..but I'm not sure as what he is expecting me to do next or what he is intending..
VictorM's advice:
He's doing the very male, and very smart, thing of taking his time to get to know you before he loses his freedom.
By: princess
Age: 23
Location: Australia
Question: We've been out several times and he is not sure as to what we are..he is interested in me and he said so himself..he also confessed that he likes me and enjoys spending time with me..and finally he said that we'll see where we go. What is he meaning? I really do like him too..but I'm not sure as what he is expecting me to do next or what he is intending..
VictorM's advice:
He's doing the very male, and very smart, thing of taking his time to get to know you before he loses his freedom.
Do most guys like girls better if they dress like sexy
Submitted on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
By: EmmettLover
Age: 15
Location: Forks
Question: Hey Victor! Luv the advice.
This isn't a question but I am so curious. Do most guys like girls better if they dress like sexy or like an outfit that would freak out any dad (haha can't think of the word). I mean a lot my guy friends go for the girls with like nothing on and I don't say I'm like that but I also cover up and like none of them really notice I guess I could say. Thanks I am soooo curious!!!!
VictorM's advice:
There are several things that are very effective at getting a guys attention, but not effective at keeping it. Revealing clothes, large breast, flirtatious attitude are just some examples of that. If all you want is instant attention, those might work; if you want to leave an impression that lasts, I suggest you consider alternatives.
A much more effective way is for you to dress in a way that makes YOU feel sexy. Believe it or not, how you feel about yourself projects much more effectively and his picked up subliminally by males.
For example, if you are wearing a very sexy pair of panties and you feel very sexy about yourself for it, even if guys don't see those panties, it still has a way of sending them a message that catches their attention in a way that will last.
So, dress to impress... yourself; if you do, the rest will fall in place.
By: EmmettLover
Age: 15
Location: Forks
Question: Hey Victor! Luv the advice.
This isn't a question but I am so curious. Do most guys like girls better if they dress like sexy or like an outfit that would freak out any dad (haha can't think of the word). I mean a lot my guy friends go for the girls with like nothing on and I don't say I'm like that but I also cover up and like none of them really notice I guess I could say. Thanks I am soooo curious!!!!
VictorM's advice:
There are several things that are very effective at getting a guys attention, but not effective at keeping it. Revealing clothes, large breast, flirtatious attitude are just some examples of that. If all you want is instant attention, those might work; if you want to leave an impression that lasts, I suggest you consider alternatives.
A much more effective way is for you to dress in a way that makes YOU feel sexy. Believe it or not, how you feel about yourself projects much more effectively and his picked up subliminally by males.
For example, if you are wearing a very sexy pair of panties and you feel very sexy about yourself for it, even if guys don't see those panties, it still has a way of sending them a message that catches their attention in a way that will last.
So, dress to impress... yourself; if you do, the rest will fall in place.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I met this guy on the subway
Submitted on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
By: Anna
Age: 34
Location: New york
Question: I met this guy on the subway after noticing him for a while and presumably he noticed me. I smiled at him first, I talked to him first, and now when we see each other we talk all the way to our respective workplaces. This has been about 3 weeks and 5 conversations and he has yet to ask me for my phone number or hint to anything close that we may see each other outside of our commute. What is he thinking?
VictorM's advice:
He's probably thinking you're a cool commuter pal. Period.
By: Anna
Age: 34
Location: New york
Question: I met this guy on the subway after noticing him for a while and presumably he noticed me. I smiled at him first, I talked to him first, and now when we see each other we talk all the way to our respective workplaces. This has been about 3 weeks and 5 conversations and he has yet to ask me for my phone number or hint to anything close that we may see each other outside of our commute. What is he thinking?
VictorM's advice:
He's probably thinking you're a cool commuter pal. Period.
He was physically and emotionally abusive
Submitted on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
By: Destiny
Age: 24
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Question: I have been with my husband for 7 years now. We recently just got married. We did not have a big wedding or anything fancy. Prior that we were having issues with him cheating on me always going out and he was physically and emotionally abusive. During that time I met someone and really fell in love with him. The time apart from my husband i guess made him realize what he had then he proposed and I said yes and I really wasn't too confident with that yes. Naturally the other guy was very hurt and quit his job because we worked together. Now my husband is on his best behavior and I speak to the other guy once in a while and he tells me he loves me and how could i leave him? The other guy also has a baby on the way with someone he is not in a relationship with. My question is what should i do? I love my husband and he's changed for the better but I feel I can't let go of the other guy, what do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like you have a very good radar when it comes to picking men.
In any case, I hope things work out with your husband, but just a warning -- the odds are stacked against you. I find it unrealistic that a cheating, abuse guy would change his ways just because he was away from you. I'd love to be wrong; hopefully I am. But if you're going to have any chances with your husband, you really need to focus on him and give it your best shot, even if the other guy is on your mind. I mean, the other guy doesn't sound all that reliable anyway -- just ask the mother to be.
By: Destiny
Age: 24
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Question: I have been with my husband for 7 years now. We recently just got married. We did not have a big wedding or anything fancy. Prior that we were having issues with him cheating on me always going out and he was physically and emotionally abusive. During that time I met someone and really fell in love with him. The time apart from my husband i guess made him realize what he had then he proposed and I said yes and I really wasn't too confident with that yes. Naturally the other guy was very hurt and quit his job because we worked together. Now my husband is on his best behavior and I speak to the other guy once in a while and he tells me he loves me and how could i leave him? The other guy also has a baby on the way with someone he is not in a relationship with. My question is what should i do? I love my husband and he's changed for the better but I feel I can't let go of the other guy, what do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like you have a very good radar when it comes to picking men.
In any case, I hope things work out with your husband, but just a warning -- the odds are stacked against you. I find it unrealistic that a cheating, abuse guy would change his ways just because he was away from you. I'd love to be wrong; hopefully I am. But if you're going to have any chances with your husband, you really need to focus on him and give it your best shot, even if the other guy is on your mind. I mean, the other guy doesn't sound all that reliable anyway -- just ask the mother to be.
I noticed he had contacted his ex girlfriend
Submitted on Wednesday, July 22, 2009
By: SK
Age: 28
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for just under 2 years. We live together and have discussed getting married, having kids, etc, but he is 2 years younger and wants to wait until we have money in savings. Recently I noticed he had contacted his ex girlfriend who dumped him without reason and though the messages are not flirty, they intend to go for coffee and he has given her his number. Neither mention their significant others in the e-mails (she has a boyfriend). When I confronted him about this, he told me I was being jealous and didn't trust him.
I know this ex had hurt him and left him unanswered questions, but that was years ago, why would he feel the need to get answers now? Should I be worried that he wants to pursue something with her?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing may come off this contact with his ex, but you have good reasons to be worried:
-- The contact with the ex, although not by itself a bad thing, is unlikely to produce anything positive.
-- Keeping that whole situation from you is a major no-no. Even if all it means is that he wasn't sure how you'd handle it, he's walking that mistrust line.
-- But the sealer of bad news to me is his reaction when you confronted him. A non guilty mind would most likely stay in a non guilt mode (examples: "I didn't want to tell you because...", "I'm only trying to...). The mere fact that he became defensive and tried to get you to feel guilty about your actions, only reflect his inner thoughts: guilt!
By: SK
Age: 28
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for just under 2 years. We live together and have discussed getting married, having kids, etc, but he is 2 years younger and wants to wait until we have money in savings. Recently I noticed he had contacted his ex girlfriend who dumped him without reason and though the messages are not flirty, they intend to go for coffee and he has given her his number. Neither mention their significant others in the e-mails (she has a boyfriend). When I confronted him about this, he told me I was being jealous and didn't trust him.
I know this ex had hurt him and left him unanswered questions, but that was years ago, why would he feel the need to get answers now? Should I be worried that he wants to pursue something with her?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing may come off this contact with his ex, but you have good reasons to be worried:
-- The contact with the ex, although not by itself a bad thing, is unlikely to produce anything positive.
-- Keeping that whole situation from you is a major no-no. Even if all it means is that he wasn't sure how you'd handle it, he's walking that mistrust line.
-- But the sealer of bad news to me is his reaction when you confronted him. A non guilty mind would most likely stay in a non guilt mode (examples: "I didn't want to tell you because...", "I'm only trying to...). The mere fact that he became defensive and tried to get you to feel guilty about your actions, only reflect his inner thoughts: guilt!
He's a druggy and whatnot
Submitted on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
By: Anonymous
Age: 15
Location: Earth
Question: Last week i was at a friends sweet 16. I meet this guy (17) who asked me to dance, we slow-danced for 2 hours non-stop, we kissed, we then sat down and he held my hands, we talked, we laughed, we hugged, he got my number, we started texting. Day 2 of texting and i told him i liked him, he said he likes me too. long story short, all the sweet texts i got from him was his mates being dicks, his best friend told me he's a druggy and whatnot over msn. then after i log off, he sends me a text saying "dont txt me, wat did u do, u fucked off my bro" i said i didn't do anything but if he really wants nothing to do with me i wanna hear it from him, not his bro. he replied "i really don't want anything to do with you." i then replied thanx for telling me the truth. he then said "soz ur a gud girl and all its just im a dick". anyways i kept my word and stopped textin him, the next day he was on msn so i said hi, he replied. what does this mean? s.o.s
VictorM's advice:
It means he's a dick who replies on msn. You're probably better off ignoring him all together.
By: Anonymous
Age: 15
Location: Earth
Question: Last week i was at a friends sweet 16. I meet this guy (17) who asked me to dance, we slow-danced for 2 hours non-stop, we kissed, we then sat down and he held my hands, we talked, we laughed, we hugged, he got my number, we started texting. Day 2 of texting and i told him i liked him, he said he likes me too. long story short, all the sweet texts i got from him was his mates being dicks, his best friend told me he's a druggy and whatnot over msn. then after i log off, he sends me a text saying "dont txt me, wat did u do, u fucked off my bro" i said i didn't do anything but if he really wants nothing to do with me i wanna hear it from him, not his bro. he replied "i really don't want anything to do with you." i then replied thanx for telling me the truth. he then said "soz ur a gud girl and all its just im a dick". anyways i kept my word and stopped textin him, the next day he was on msn so i said hi, he replied. what does this mean? s.o.s
VictorM's advice:
It means he's a dick who replies on msn. You're probably better off ignoring him all together.
He always looks at me
Submitted on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
By: mikayla
Age: 12
Question: hi i really like this guy who is 14 and i'm not sure if he likes me. he always looks at me and when his friend walked another way he walked past me and lightly touched my foot as he walked by and just other little things like when me and my friend were walking together he was walking the other way and he was on my friends side but swapped and walked past me instead. does he like me or am i a game and he likes seeing the way i react when he does those things coz sometimes i react but not in a big way and him actually making contact is just recante is he waiting for me to really react or does he like me
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you. He does enough stuff to catch your attention and that's a big sign. But at 12 years-old you're probably more mature than he is and he probably isn't ready to make a move. Your best bet is to stay friendly and smile.
By: mikayla
Age: 12
Question: hi i really like this guy who is 14 and i'm not sure if he likes me. he always looks at me and when his friend walked another way he walked past me and lightly touched my foot as he walked by and just other little things like when me and my friend were walking together he was walking the other way and he was on my friends side but swapped and walked past me instead. does he like me or am i a game and he likes seeing the way i react when he does those things coz sometimes i react but not in a big way and him actually making contact is just recante is he waiting for me to really react or does he like me
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you. He does enough stuff to catch your attention and that's a big sign. But at 12 years-old you're probably more mature than he is and he probably isn't ready to make a move. Your best bet is to stay friendly and smile.
I soon found out he was talking to his ex
Submitted on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: CA
Question: A guy from the same circle of friends pursued me and we started dating. We had a great relationship and sex life, after about 6 months he started acting strange and asked for some space. I soon found out he was talking to his ex and we broke up. I ran into him a couple times and it was very casual hi bye. He still messages me multiple times a day, he tells me how I'm the best girlfriend he had, etc. and we talk often, we get a long great. The other night he kept messaging me and we actually met up and I ended up sleeping over.(like 3 months after break up) The next morning it was as if we never had broken up, we still talk all the time, and I saw him two days after and he was the same way as if we were together. His friends always tell him he should get back with me and how great I am. He told me that one of his friends asked him who I was and he told his friend I was off limits. Did he use me or does he want to get back with me? I am super confused. I still love him but I am not going to look like an idiot either. What should I do to make him fall really in love with me and want to get back with me? I don't want to get hurt again, but I really want him to want me back.
VictorM's advice:
There is no magic potion to make someone fall in love with you. But keep this in mind: guys may love being around and playing with easy girls, but they are more likely to get serious with someone they can respect. Your one night stand does not fit that bill.
Until he's your boyfriend again, he's not your boyfriend -- act accordingly.
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: CA
Question: A guy from the same circle of friends pursued me and we started dating. We had a great relationship and sex life, after about 6 months he started acting strange and asked for some space. I soon found out he was talking to his ex and we broke up. I ran into him a couple times and it was very casual hi bye. He still messages me multiple times a day, he tells me how I'm the best girlfriend he had, etc. and we talk often, we get a long great. The other night he kept messaging me and we actually met up and I ended up sleeping over.(like 3 months after break up) The next morning it was as if we never had broken up, we still talk all the time, and I saw him two days after and he was the same way as if we were together. His friends always tell him he should get back with me and how great I am. He told me that one of his friends asked him who I was and he told his friend I was off limits. Did he use me or does he want to get back with me? I am super confused. I still love him but I am not going to look like an idiot either. What should I do to make him fall really in love with me and want to get back with me? I don't want to get hurt again, but I really want him to want me back.
VictorM's advice:
There is no magic potion to make someone fall in love with you. But keep this in mind: guys may love being around and playing with easy girls, but they are more likely to get serious with someone they can respect. Your one night stand does not fit that bill.
Until he's your boyfriend again, he's not your boyfriend -- act accordingly.
An intense training program
Submitted on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
By: April
Age: 28
Location: texas
Question: I have been with my guy for 2 years he is currently in an intense training program for a promotion. He has began to spend less time with me. I have told him this isn't enough for me . I get "Baby I'm sorry" " Please be patient " There is still 2 more months of this . I am very lonely ... I miss him and I love him . I starting to feel like I'm doing all the work to keep us connected .... he says: "I'm trying baby." Is he just telling me this or does he really mean it? Should I wait him out?
VictorM's advice:
After 2 years together you have to ask if you should wait a few more weeks?
No, don't wait it out. Do him and favor and drop him. You seem like a really terrible partner to have anyway. You're whinny, selfish, and terribly dependent. How he put up with you for 2 years is a mystery. The man deserves some kind of medal.
You're lonely? Get a puppy.
By: April
Age: 28
Location: texas
Question: I have been with my guy for 2 years he is currently in an intense training program for a promotion. He has began to spend less time with me. I have told him this isn't enough for me . I get "Baby I'm sorry" " Please be patient " There is still 2 more months of this . I am very lonely ... I miss him and I love him . I starting to feel like I'm doing all the work to keep us connected .... he says: "I'm trying baby." Is he just telling me this or does he really mean it? Should I wait him out?
VictorM's advice:
After 2 years together you have to ask if you should wait a few more weeks?
No, don't wait it out. Do him and favor and drop him. You seem like a really terrible partner to have anyway. You're whinny, selfish, and terribly dependent. How he put up with you for 2 years is a mystery. The man deserves some kind of medal.
You're lonely? Get a puppy.
The hot romance has cooled down
Submitted on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
By: DRD
Age: 50
Location: san diego
Question: I have been in a relationship for almost 3 months. we get along great and have a lot of common interests. lately the hot romance has cooled down yet we still have a loving/caring relationship. in the past he would send me poetry and express his love with long letters. in general he was never an expressive person and it seems like he's going back to his normal self. long letters are still there but mostly about intelligent subjects that I love too. how can I tell him that I want more romance without being pushy or discouraging?
B1: Submit
VictorM's advice:
Forget it. Not happening. Maybe in romance novels, but not in real life.
A man's behavior during the courtship phase can't be sustained as the relationship gets further along. It's like asking a marathoner to run his race at the pace of a 100-meter dash runner. It can't be done. Your guy is going to have to pace himself from now on. The newness of the relationship provided much of the inspiration. That newness is gone.
Oh, and expect the long emails to dwindle too.
I understand you want it -- heck, I want a date with Jennifer Aniston, but she ain't calling. You just have to get used todisappointment real life.
By: DRD
Age: 50
Location: san diego
Question: I have been in a relationship for almost 3 months. we get along great and have a lot of common interests. lately the hot romance has cooled down yet we still have a loving/caring relationship. in the past he would send me poetry and express his love with long letters. in general he was never an expressive person and it seems like he's going back to his normal self. long letters are still there but mostly about intelligent subjects that I love too. how can I tell him that I want more romance without being pushy or discouraging?
B1: Submit
VictorM's advice:
Forget it. Not happening. Maybe in romance novels, but not in real life.
A man's behavior during the courtship phase can't be sustained as the relationship gets further along. It's like asking a marathoner to run his race at the pace of a 100-meter dash runner. It can't be done. Your guy is going to have to pace himself from now on. The newness of the relationship provided much of the inspiration. That newness is gone.
Oh, and expect the long emails to dwindle too.
I understand you want it -- heck, I want a date with Jennifer Aniston, but she ain't calling. You just have to get used to
I have tried repeatedly to win this man back
Submitted on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
By: Kendra
Age: 33
Location: wichita kansas
Question: My boyfriend broke up about 4 months ago due to us fighting a lot we were together for 4 years. He moved out. He has 2 kids and I have 2 kids and then we have 1 together. I have tried repeatedly to win this man back because he is the love of my life. At first when we broke up we still slept together almost every other day and I thought that meant he still had feelings for me. Well the more this continued and he would come over and i would cook dinner and spend time with the kids etc. I thought we were starting to work things out. Well 3 weeks ago he started partying a lot with the guys (and what could I say, we weren't official back together). He never would ask me to go like before we were always together in fact he would never go out without me. After he started the partying then cam the staying out all night. I would call 50 times and he would ignore me. He would always answer the next day and say he loved me so much and that he wished I would change and stop fighting with him so we could be together. The more I tried to change the more he would tell me I wasn't changing?? Then Yesterday I asked him what he was doing that night and if we could get together and he said maybe I'm kinda tired. Well he stopped answering my calls that night. I was driving down to the convienent store and I saw his truck and sure enough he had another female in the car with him. I know I am giving you the short version however, this man and I were best friends and yes we went through alot with kids being deathly ill and so on, but how do you just get over someone who shared every part of you for 4 years and never spent one day without touching or talking with each other? I am devastated. I still have to see him because of our daughter and he texts me every once in a while saying he misses me so much and will always love me, so I am lost now? If you love and miss me why not just be with me instead of the women your hiding behind my back? I have asked him several times to just be honest because I felt he was seeing someone but he would say I love you I don't want anyone else etc.. Do you think he still loves me and do you think he will ever come back or is he just playing with my head?
VictorM's advice:
I think there's a good chance he'll come back, after all, he sounds as nutty as you. I mean, come on, you called him 50 times? That's really obnoxious.
He's the love of your life? Sounds more like an addition than love.
Anyway, I think you'll both just keep going back and forth between being together and breaking up. Probably for life.
Oh, and does he love you? Of course he does; he says so. And would a man lie about a thing like that? :-p
By: Kendra
Age: 33
Location: wichita kansas
Question: My boyfriend broke up about 4 months ago due to us fighting a lot we were together for 4 years. He moved out. He has 2 kids and I have 2 kids and then we have 1 together. I have tried repeatedly to win this man back because he is the love of my life. At first when we broke up we still slept together almost every other day and I thought that meant he still had feelings for me. Well the more this continued and he would come over and i would cook dinner and spend time with the kids etc. I thought we were starting to work things out. Well 3 weeks ago he started partying a lot with the guys (and what could I say, we weren't official back together). He never would ask me to go like before we were always together in fact he would never go out without me. After he started the partying then cam the staying out all night. I would call 50 times and he would ignore me. He would always answer the next day and say he loved me so much and that he wished I would change and stop fighting with him so we could be together. The more I tried to change the more he would tell me I wasn't changing?? Then Yesterday I asked him what he was doing that night and if we could get together and he said maybe I'm kinda tired. Well he stopped answering my calls that night. I was driving down to the convienent store and I saw his truck and sure enough he had another female in the car with him. I know I am giving you the short version however, this man and I were best friends and yes we went through alot with kids being deathly ill and so on, but how do you just get over someone who shared every part of you for 4 years and never spent one day without touching or talking with each other? I am devastated. I still have to see him because of our daughter and he texts me every once in a while saying he misses me so much and will always love me, so I am lost now? If you love and miss me why not just be with me instead of the women your hiding behind my back? I have asked him several times to just be honest because I felt he was seeing someone but he would say I love you I don't want anyone else etc.. Do you think he still loves me and do you think he will ever come back or is he just playing with my head?
VictorM's advice:
I think there's a good chance he'll come back, after all, he sounds as nutty as you. I mean, come on, you called him 50 times? That's really obnoxious.
He's the love of your life? Sounds more like an addition than love.
Anyway, I think you'll both just keep going back and forth between being together and breaking up. Probably for life.
Oh, and does he love you? Of course he does; he says so. And would a man lie about a thing like that? :-p
I met a guy who lives in my apartment
Submitted on Tuesday, July 21, 2009
By: Abby
Age: 27
Location: Alabama
Question: Oh boy, here I go... About two months ago I met a guy who lives in my apartment. We hung out for the next three nights in a row and then I went on vacation for about three weeks. The whole time I was on vacation we stayed in touch and got to know each other, texting and phone calls. He picked me up from the airport and even took me to work the next day because my car had problems. He came over a few evenings and just hung out and cuddled. It was very obvious that we were both into each other. It took him a few weeks to kiss me and then he said it was because he is shy. Since then he's been really distant. I know he has a crazy schedule but when we are together he kinda backs away now, not as cuddly. He said to me that he is definitely interested and that he's sorry things have seemed different. I can be a little forward and I told him that I'm cool if he wants to knock this to friends but he assured me that no, he likes my openness and it's just been him. But still, I invite him over and for whatever reason he never can. Has this guy lost interest in anything beyond friendship and just trying to be nice about it? Is this just typical man behavior? I always follow his cue on communication and try to never be the one to initiate. I know that if he doesn't hear from me in a few days that he'll text me, always does. This just confuses me further. If he's interested then why can't I get the boy to hang out with me anymore???
VictorM's advice:
He's not interested anymore. He just doesn't have the guts to tell it to your face. And doesn't want to make you fell bad, hence his comments about your openness, but he's hoping you take the hint every time he can't come over. Take the hint, for crying out loud!
By: Abby
Age: 27
Location: Alabama
Question: Oh boy, here I go... About two months ago I met a guy who lives in my apartment. We hung out for the next three nights in a row and then I went on vacation for about three weeks. The whole time I was on vacation we stayed in touch and got to know each other, texting and phone calls. He picked me up from the airport and even took me to work the next day because my car had problems. He came over a few evenings and just hung out and cuddled. It was very obvious that we were both into each other. It took him a few weeks to kiss me and then he said it was because he is shy. Since then he's been really distant. I know he has a crazy schedule but when we are together he kinda backs away now, not as cuddly. He said to me that he is definitely interested and that he's sorry things have seemed different. I can be a little forward and I told him that I'm cool if he wants to knock this to friends but he assured me that no, he likes my openness and it's just been him. But still, I invite him over and for whatever reason he never can. Has this guy lost interest in anything beyond friendship and just trying to be nice about it? Is this just typical man behavior? I always follow his cue on communication and try to never be the one to initiate. I know that if he doesn't hear from me in a few days that he'll text me, always does. This just confuses me further. If he's interested then why can't I get the boy to hang out with me anymore???
VictorM's advice:
He's not interested anymore. He just doesn't have the guts to tell it to your face. And doesn't want to make you fell bad, hence his comments about your openness, but he's hoping you take the hint every time he can't come over. Take the hint, for crying out loud!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I don't know what to say to that, sorry
Submitted on Monday, July 20, 2009
By: sara
Location: uk
Question: hello again! quick question....when you tell a guy that you've developed feelings for him and you'd like it if you could both give it a shot at a relationship, and the guy responds with a ' i don't know what to say to that, sorry'.....does that mean he's not interested?
the guy has been chasing me....the day before i asked him all this he had text me non stop for over 12 hours....we've been dating for 6 months or so....
thank you!
VictorM's advice:
You took him by surprise. I think he was more interested in the game of trying to get you than in actually getting you. Once you confessed your interest, you spoiled the game.
Time will tell. He needs to process your offer for a rapid advancement in the courtship phase. Maybe he'll still be interest, but don't hold your breath.
By: sara
Location: uk
Question: hello again! quick question....when you tell a guy that you've developed feelings for him and you'd like it if you could both give it a shot at a relationship, and the guy responds with a ' i don't know what to say to that, sorry'.....does that mean he's not interested?
the guy has been chasing me....the day before i asked him all this he had text me non stop for over 12 hours....we've been dating for 6 months or so....
thank you!
VictorM's advice:
You took him by surprise. I think he was more interested in the game of trying to get you than in actually getting you. Once you confessed your interest, you spoiled the game.
Time will tell. He needs to process your offer for a rapid advancement in the courtship phase. Maybe he'll still be interest, but don't hold your breath.
Are you single?
Submitted on Monday, July 20, 2009
By: curious
Age: 42
Location: North East
Question: Victor, are you single? A guy like you, good looking, smart, seems to have it "all together"--a rare thing, I'd love to know! :) I'm available.....
VictorM's advice:
Well... I know nothing about you, but I can clearly tell that you're a woman with good taste. :)
Am I single? Um... I need to check the dictionary... "single - unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship". Um... the word "stable" gives me a little wiggle room. I could slip you in from time to time. :-p (kidding, kidding)
Thanks for the compliments. Send me a picture and an application form and I'll keep you on file, just in case. :)
By: curious
Age: 42
Location: North East
Question: Victor, are you single? A guy like you, good looking, smart, seems to have it "all together"--a rare thing, I'd love to know! :) I'm available.....
VictorM's advice:
Well... I know nothing about you, but I can clearly tell that you're a woman with good taste. :)
Am I single? Um... I need to check the dictionary... "single - unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship". Um... the word "stable" gives me a little wiggle room. I could slip you in from time to time. :-p (kidding, kidding)
Thanks for the compliments. Send me a picture and an application form and I'll keep you on file, just in case. :)
Insight into a mans perspective
Submitted on Sunday, July 19, 2009
By: Patricia
Age: 26
Location: Cali
Question: So I think i have less of a specific question and more would just like insight into a mans perspective.
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, and we are both quite busy as we both work full time jobs that often require us to stay in our offices late making it hard to talk to each other on the phone daily. For the past 5 months I was overseas and we managed to have a great fully functioning long distance relationship where we both put effort.I am noticing that now that i am back in Cali it seems like I am the one putting in the effort in terms of communicating, i call him and text him most of the time. There is no problems with us getting together as we do go on dates and i don't feel like he's trying to avoid me. But i think it somewhat bothers me that i have to be the one to initiate the communication on the days we don't see each other. My bother tells me that its just him getting used to me being in his life and feeling comfortable enough with our relationship, and not feeling the need to call me everyday but I guess I wanted to get your perspective. Should i be worried that he's not putting in effort to call or text me, is he getting too comfortable or is this just a sign of him feeling comfortable enough with where we stand in our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Most men simply don't have the need to communicate as frequently as women do.
I'd say his behavior falls totally under a guy's normal pattern.
If you would like him to contact you more often, give him positive feedback when he does, which is more likely to encourage him to do it again. But don't equate frequency of texting or phoning with feelings.
By: Patricia
Age: 26
Location: Cali
Question: So I think i have less of a specific question and more would just like insight into a mans perspective.
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, and we are both quite busy as we both work full time jobs that often require us to stay in our offices late making it hard to talk to each other on the phone daily. For the past 5 months I was overseas and we managed to have a great fully functioning long distance relationship where we both put effort.I am noticing that now that i am back in Cali it seems like I am the one putting in the effort in terms of communicating, i call him and text him most of the time. There is no problems with us getting together as we do go on dates and i don't feel like he's trying to avoid me. But i think it somewhat bothers me that i have to be the one to initiate the communication on the days we don't see each other. My bother tells me that its just him getting used to me being in his life and feeling comfortable enough with our relationship, and not feeling the need to call me everyday but I guess I wanted to get your perspective. Should i be worried that he's not putting in effort to call or text me, is he getting too comfortable or is this just a sign of him feeling comfortable enough with where we stand in our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Most men simply don't have the need to communicate as frequently as women do.
I'd say his behavior falls totally under a guy's normal pattern.
If you would like him to contact you more often, give him positive feedback when he does, which is more likely to encourage him to do it again. But don't equate frequency of texting or phoning with feelings.
He is also Mormon, so he is a good guy
Submitted on Sunday, July 19, 2009
By: Kellie D'ianna
Age: 16
Location: Arizona
Question: There is this guy that I've been talking to for about a week now. He started talking to me, and he's incredibly cute, so of course I was fine with it. He is 18, a senior in high school, and he has money. He is also Mormon, so he is a good guy. A virgin, and hasn't done much with a girl.
Although, every time we talk he asks for a picture of my body (in a bikini, or bra and underwear). Usually our conversations don't consist of much. I am a very talkative and question-y person, but he hardly gives me anything to work with. It seems like all he wants is pictures, and when I send them its the only time we actually have a conversation. :/ I didn't have a problem with sending the first picture, since I am a swimmer, and I'm used to wearing a bikini infront of everyone. But he keeps asking me, over and over again. It is annoying, and when I suggest that he only wants me for sex or to hook up with, he immediately turns me down, and reassures me that he is not one of those guys.
Also, when he asks me to hangout, he always wants us to be alone, completely alone. I never understand why. I told him that my parents would be home, and he would have to meet my mom, but he ended up not coming over.
Also, he really wanted to kiss when we were to hung out. I didn't know what to say, because a kiss is something that should just happen if the chemistry is right, ya know? I mean I want to hang out with him, and I probably would kiss him, but I don't know why he was asking. Or why he wants to be alone so badly, I mean yes I want to be alone with him, and get to know him but I don't see why it is such a big deal. . .? Or why he always wants a picture. . .? Can you please give me some advice on how to talk to this kid, or deal with this situation?
VictorM's advice:
Even Mormons have hormones, and this one kid is raging with them. And since you're attractive, well, he's on overdrive.
He wants pictures because guys are about trophies, about getting something they can boast about to their friends. Offline it tends to be something like getting a girl's phone number (there's a famous scene in a movie when Matt Dillon gets the girl's phone number and shows it to his rival with a note that says: "How do you like them apples?") Well, on the internet the prize is getting pictures to show off to his friends, and the racier the pictures are, the better.
There's nothing wrong with a boy being excited about you physically, but a sincere horny boy knows he needs to strike a balance. This boy has no such interest. You're nothing but a trophy to boast about.
By: Kellie D'ianna
Age: 16
Location: Arizona
Question: There is this guy that I've been talking to for about a week now. He started talking to me, and he's incredibly cute, so of course I was fine with it. He is 18, a senior in high school, and he has money. He is also Mormon, so he is a good guy. A virgin, and hasn't done much with a girl.
Although, every time we talk he asks for a picture of my body (in a bikini, or bra and underwear). Usually our conversations don't consist of much. I am a very talkative and question-y person, but he hardly gives me anything to work with. It seems like all he wants is pictures, and when I send them its the only time we actually have a conversation. :/ I didn't have a problem with sending the first picture, since I am a swimmer, and I'm used to wearing a bikini infront of everyone. But he keeps asking me, over and over again. It is annoying, and when I suggest that he only wants me for sex or to hook up with, he immediately turns me down, and reassures me that he is not one of those guys.
Also, when he asks me to hangout, he always wants us to be alone, completely alone. I never understand why. I told him that my parents would be home, and he would have to meet my mom, but he ended up not coming over.
Also, he really wanted to kiss when we were to hung out. I didn't know what to say, because a kiss is something that should just happen if the chemistry is right, ya know? I mean I want to hang out with him, and I probably would kiss him, but I don't know why he was asking. Or why he wants to be alone so badly, I mean yes I want to be alone with him, and get to know him but I don't see why it is such a big deal. . .? Or why he always wants a picture. . .? Can you please give me some advice on how to talk to this kid, or deal with this situation?
VictorM's advice:
Even Mormons have hormones, and this one kid is raging with them. And since you're attractive, well, he's on overdrive.
He wants pictures because guys are about trophies, about getting something they can boast about to their friends. Offline it tends to be something like getting a girl's phone number (there's a famous scene in a movie when Matt Dillon gets the girl's phone number and shows it to his rival with a note that says: "How do you like them apples?") Well, on the internet the prize is getting pictures to show off to his friends, and the racier the pictures are, the better.
There's nothing wrong with a boy being excited about you physically, but a sincere horny boy knows he needs to strike a balance. This boy has no such interest. You're nothing but a trophy to boast about.
We're going to be living together
Submitted on Sunday, July 19, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 19
Location: Florida
Question: I've been together with my boyfriend of over a year and a half and we're always talking about a future between the two of us...etc. We're going to be living together in about a month and I'm really excited. There's one thing, we've had some issues with him talking to other girls on Facebook/myspace throughout our relationship. Although, sometimes its just small talk there has been times where it's more...nothing too bad, but it still bothers me. What is going on? Should I even be concerned? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Are these friends that he talks to or is he out seeking new girls to talk to?
Time and energy spent chasing other girls, even if only online, is a sign of someone who can't get all the ego stroking he needs from his one partner. Now, the male ego is a never ending bottomless pit, so it's natural for a guy to feel a boost of confidence from other women, but to be out seeking them? Um... well, your concern is understandable.
What you should do is tell him that those activities bother you. Do not be accusatory and confrontational about it. And do not accuse him of doing something that you don't know for sure he's done. Keep it about your feelings.
By: Rachel
Age: 19
Location: Florida
Question: I've been together with my boyfriend of over a year and a half and we're always talking about a future between the two of us...etc. We're going to be living together in about a month and I'm really excited. There's one thing, we've had some issues with him talking to other girls on Facebook/myspace throughout our relationship. Although, sometimes its just small talk there has been times where it's more...nothing too bad, but it still bothers me. What is going on? Should I even be concerned? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Are these friends that he talks to or is he out seeking new girls to talk to?
Time and energy spent chasing other girls, even if only online, is a sign of someone who can't get all the ego stroking he needs from his one partner. Now, the male ego is a never ending bottomless pit, so it's natural for a guy to feel a boost of confidence from other women, but to be out seeking them? Um... well, your concern is understandable.
What you should do is tell him that those activities bother you. Do not be accusatory and confrontational about it. And do not accuse him of doing something that you don't know for sure he's done. Keep it about your feelings.
I recently ran into a very casual friend/acquaintance
Submitted on Sunday, July 19, 2009
By: Julie
Age: 37
Location: Texas
Question: I recently ran into a very casual friend/acquaintance guy and we ended up exchanging contact info. He called and we talked for a bit but I didn't really feel anything so I let him know that I would call him if and when I had a chance and hoped the best for him. Since then he has left me 2 to 3 messages a day all as though we are in a full on relationship. It's bizarre. I know that I need to just talk to him and ask him to stop but my question is---what causes a guy to leave over 20 messages that are not being returned? And all as though we have some sort of 'understanding' about liking each other?
VictorM's advice:
He's being persistent, something that many self-help books advocate (for example, the very popular book "How to Pick Up Girls" strongly recommends persistence). Persistence is also a personal trait that is seen as a good quality in many circles, particularly male circles. And in some cases, it can produce results. But when is it too much and time to stop? Some people have a good sense of it, some don't.
With people such as your friend, often the merest contact return -- even a negative one -- is a sign of encouragement. So talk to him to see if he gets the message but be careful about not "feeding the fire" by continuing any back and forth.
If your friend is not the type to know when to stop, chances are that this friendship is not going to have a happy ending. Be prepared for that.
By: Julie
Age: 37
Location: Texas
Question: I recently ran into a very casual friend/acquaintance guy and we ended up exchanging contact info. He called and we talked for a bit but I didn't really feel anything so I let him know that I would call him if and when I had a chance and hoped the best for him. Since then he has left me 2 to 3 messages a day all as though we are in a full on relationship. It's bizarre. I know that I need to just talk to him and ask him to stop but my question is---what causes a guy to leave over 20 messages that are not being returned? And all as though we have some sort of 'understanding' about liking each other?
VictorM's advice:
He's being persistent, something that many self-help books advocate (for example, the very popular book "How to Pick Up Girls" strongly recommends persistence). Persistence is also a personal trait that is seen as a good quality in many circles, particularly male circles. And in some cases, it can produce results. But when is it too much and time to stop? Some people have a good sense of it, some don't.
With people such as your friend, often the merest contact return -- even a negative one -- is a sign of encouragement. So talk to him to see if he gets the message but be careful about not "feeding the fire" by continuing any back and forth.
If your friend is not the type to know when to stop, chances are that this friendship is not going to have a happy ending. Be prepared for that.
I had a year long relationship with an older man
Submitted on Sunday, July 19, 2009
By: Danielle
Age: 17
Location: Europe
Question: Thank you in advance :)
I had a year long relationship with an older man, who was 31, and completely fell for him. I honestly believe he loved me too, he kept saying he didn't want to hurt me and even tried to end the relationship after a couple of months since he felt like it was getting too intense, emotionally and physically. I couldn't let go just because of his worries so one night I just dropped unannounced at his door step and that's when he realized he couldn't possibly hurt me, and we made love for the first time.
Now, he has a real girlfriend who's much closer to his age group. He's happy and that's all I ever wished for, except for the new situation which I'm facing: I've dated an older man, which is something I wasn't able to tell my parents and most of my friend, so I can't think of a way of saying it to a guy without him shutting the door in my face. And the second most important issue is that I'm not used to "playing the game". I used to share my emotions and thoughts freely without worrying about not looking attractive or scaring the guy off.
I have this guy friend who I really like. He's my age and got out of a relationship which did him more harm than good, since the girl dumped him and crushed him. I think he might still have some feelings for her, but it has been about 7 months since the breakup.
I told him about my previous relationship, and we hang out from time to time. He's really smart and shy, so I don't see him taking the first step. But I'm not too sure how to check if it's OK for me to take this step for him. He reacted pretty well when I told him about the older man, but then again I have no idea what's running in his mind.
Can you please help me?
Thank you so much,
Danielle.
VictorM's advice:
Don't take the first step. Shy or not, guys always take longer to fall for a girl, and in this case it's even more understandable since he's still getting over his ex. Just stay friends. Make each and every time with him be fun and easy. Give him time to grow to appreciate you. There's no guarantee that he'll fall in love with you, but wanting him to take that step before he's ready is more likely to drive him away from you than closer to you.
By: Danielle
Age: 17
Location: Europe
Question: Thank you in advance :)
I had a year long relationship with an older man, who was 31, and completely fell for him. I honestly believe he loved me too, he kept saying he didn't want to hurt me and even tried to end the relationship after a couple of months since he felt like it was getting too intense, emotionally and physically. I couldn't let go just because of his worries so one night I just dropped unannounced at his door step and that's when he realized he couldn't possibly hurt me, and we made love for the first time.
Now, he has a real girlfriend who's much closer to his age group. He's happy and that's all I ever wished for, except for the new situation which I'm facing: I've dated an older man, which is something I wasn't able to tell my parents and most of my friend, so I can't think of a way of saying it to a guy without him shutting the door in my face. And the second most important issue is that I'm not used to "playing the game". I used to share my emotions and thoughts freely without worrying about not looking attractive or scaring the guy off.
I have this guy friend who I really like. He's my age and got out of a relationship which did him more harm than good, since the girl dumped him and crushed him. I think he might still have some feelings for her, but it has been about 7 months since the breakup.
I told him about my previous relationship, and we hang out from time to time. He's really smart and shy, so I don't see him taking the first step. But I'm not too sure how to check if it's OK for me to take this step for him. He reacted pretty well when I told him about the older man, but then again I have no idea what's running in his mind.
Can you please help me?
Thank you so much,
Danielle.
VictorM's advice:
Don't take the first step. Shy or not, guys always take longer to fall for a girl, and in this case it's even more understandable since he's still getting over his ex. Just stay friends. Make each and every time with him be fun and easy. Give him time to grow to appreciate you. There's no guarantee that he'll fall in love with you, but wanting him to take that step before he's ready is more likely to drive him away from you than closer to you.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Does he really only want me for sex?
Question and answer removed at the submitter's request.
He's late to everything
Submitted on Saturday, July 18, 2009
By: Carrie
Age: 17
Location: Nevada
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. Generally speaking he's late to everything. Usually he calls me up and lets me know, so I don't have a problem. However this isn't the case with the most resent event.
A few days ago, we were supose to meet up at the mall at 1:00. I got there on time and waited for him. I waited 2 hours before I lost my temper and called him. He was asleep! After he finally got to the mall he told me that the reason he was late was because he was helping his friend fix something and didn't get home until 4 AM.
What do you think I should do? Should I dump him or should I look past it and stay with him?
VictorM's advice:
No need to dump him; you just need to train him properly. Right now, you're training him that except for one outburst, you accept his behavior. You need to change that.
From now on, next time he's late 5 minutes, take off without him. No yelling, no screaming, just take off. If you're home and he doesn't pick you up on time, either stay home or call a friend and go to her house, letting him know that you changed the plans and so now he can continue to do what he's doing (say it without a snide tone of voice). BE CONSISTENT! Be firm. Make it clear by your behavior that his behavior of being late will not be tolerated because it's disrespectful to you.
By: Carrie
Age: 17
Location: Nevada
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. Generally speaking he's late to everything. Usually he calls me up and lets me know, so I don't have a problem. However this isn't the case with the most resent event.
A few days ago, we were supose to meet up at the mall at 1:00. I got there on time and waited for him. I waited 2 hours before I lost my temper and called him. He was asleep! After he finally got to the mall he told me that the reason he was late was because he was helping his friend fix something and didn't get home until 4 AM.
What do you think I should do? Should I dump him or should I look past it and stay with him?
VictorM's advice:
No need to dump him; you just need to train him properly. Right now, you're training him that except for one outburst, you accept his behavior. You need to change that.
From now on, next time he's late 5 minutes, take off without him. No yelling, no screaming, just take off. If you're home and he doesn't pick you up on time, either stay home or call a friend and go to her house, letting him know that you changed the plans and so now he can continue to do what he's doing (say it without a snide tone of voice). BE CONSISTENT! Be firm. Make it clear by your behavior that his behavior of being late will not be tolerated because it's disrespectful to you.
How to make a long distance relationship work?
Submitted on Saturday, July 18, 2009
By: K
Question: Do you have any advice on how to make a long distance relationship work? My boyfriend will be away for about 5 months and I'm not sure if there are do's and don'ts that i need to know. Thanks in advance!
VictorM's advice:
I have a few suggestions that might help:
-- Do not keep him on the phone for hours, that will just make him want to call you less.
-- Do not demand that he text you about everything. Away from you or not, guys still hate texting.
-- Do not send them nude pictures of yourself, they will only wind up on the internet eventually.
-- Realize that you both have independent lives. Live yours to the fullest even without him. See your friends, go out and have fun, and stay busy with things that interest you. Encourage him to do likewise.
By: K
Question: Do you have any advice on how to make a long distance relationship work? My boyfriend will be away for about 5 months and I'm not sure if there are do's and don'ts that i need to know. Thanks in advance!
VictorM's advice:
I have a few suggestions that might help:
-- Do not keep him on the phone for hours, that will just make him want to call you less.
-- Do not demand that he text you about everything. Away from you or not, guys still hate texting.
-- Do not send them nude pictures of yourself, they will only wind up on the internet eventually.
-- Realize that you both have independent lives. Live yours to the fullest even without him. See your friends, go out and have fun, and stay busy with things that interest you. Encourage him to do likewise.
I have never talked to him before
Submitted on Saturday, July 18, 2009
By: Becky
Age: 14
Location: NY
Question: Hi Victor, love your advice!
Love Sucks!
See this guy (wow you must hear that a lot) was in one of my classes last year and ever since, I have had a major crush on him. Here's the problems: I have never talked to him before, he may of heard some untrue rumors about me, and he doesn't know that I exist. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm not getting over him soon. What should I do? I mean it is the middle of the summer and all I can think about is his cute face. Please help me if you can. Thanks Victor!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Well, Becky, love does suck, but life without it would suck even more. What's more, for all you know, he's mopping around all sad and stuff because he can't get your pretty face off his mind. *sigh* :)
Um... just yesterday I answered a question from a "beck" from NY... um... could it have been you? In any case, here's the answer I gave before.
[UPDATE] Actually, a check of IPs reveals it was you I answered before. Funny how you went from 14 to 15 (did you have a birthday last night?) And did you move from NJ to NY? :-p
By: Becky
Age: 14
Location: NY
Question: Hi Victor, love your advice!
Love Sucks!
See this guy (wow you must hear that a lot) was in one of my classes last year and ever since, I have had a major crush on him. Here's the problems: I have never talked to him before, he may of heard some untrue rumors about me, and he doesn't know that I exist. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm not getting over him soon. What should I do? I mean it is the middle of the summer and all I can think about is his cute face. Please help me if you can. Thanks Victor!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Well, Becky, love does suck, but life without it would suck even more. What's more, for all you know, he's mopping around all sad and stuff because he can't get your pretty face off his mind. *sigh* :)
Um... just yesterday I answered a question from a "beck" from NY... um... could it have been you? In any case, here's the answer I gave before.
[UPDATE] Actually, a check of IPs reveals it was you I answered before. Funny how you went from 14 to 15 (did you have a birthday last night?) And did you move from NJ to NY? :-p
We were perfect together
Submitted on Saturday, July 18, 2009
By: Tina
Age: 34
Location: NY
Question: Met a guy and we were perfect together. We never argued, never did anything wrong it was simply the most amazing thing on earth. I’d start dinner he’d finish or the other way around, I’d start laundry he’d finish, everything was that way, and the sex was amazing. I’m talking a great relationship that you’d read in a book as fantasy, it was us. Even the kids adored him. But he messed up and got sent to Prison in Colo. (I’m in NY) he was in for 5 months meanwhile I gave birth to his son, his first and only child which bothers him because he still never seen his son. When he got out he was on Parole so he’s stuck in Colo. And all day every day all I’d hear is “who are you talking to, what are you doing, do you love me, why wont you answer your phone it’s already been 2 hours sense we last talked”.. it was crazy because I wasn’t doing anything I was only eager to get back to where we left off. In time I got annoyed and got kind of mean toward him and he did the same, but then he gets on face book and sends messages to ex-girlfriends and it says “message me on my phone not on face book I miss you and want to talk” .. he gave them his phone number, not one or two but a few. He forgot to erase his sent messages and I saw it. At first he denied it and he was so awful at lying, then he admits it but changes his reason several times, I might have let it go had he not lied so many times over it but the lie after lie was so annoying and frustrating I wanted to jump off a mountain. Then he spent a lot of time pointing out my flaws which I took as him trying to make his own seem smaller mainly because he was pointing out that I talked to other guys but that wasn’t true. Then he calls and text me over and over saying we can make it work, he loves me, cant be w/o me and goes on and on. He said the famous words “it will never happen again”! Problem: when he got out his parole officer told us to get married so he could transfer to be with his son, that didn’t work so I filed for an annulment after he contacted these women and he wouldn’t sign the papers. Yesterday he calls and tells me how much he loves and needs me, then calls to call me names, only to call apologizing only to then ignore me. Why? Why is he playing that game?
My reply… cool I will stay with you but I’m going to find a few guys to give my phone number to … he said these women will never call him anyway but that’s not the point, so I will give my number to a few guys and they will never call me but have my number incase they ever decide to call me … he didn’t agree, why? It was ok when he did it so why couldn’t I? Maybe I’m over reacting but then if it was “nothing” why couldn’t I do the same thing?
My question … Why? Why do guys do this? If he is so interested in other women why hang on to me? I’m fairly confident it can and will happen again because he’s stuck in Colo for the next 14 months, he’s lonely and he needs to feel special I cant do that for him being in different states and honestly he cant do it for me right now either yet I was sticking it out.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy gets hurt, the most common reaction is to return to his wounded child mode. Have you ever seen a 2 or 3 year old boy get mad? (With 5 children, I'm guessing you do). Well, that's what your boyfriend was like after he felt hurt (never mind whether he had a reason to feel that way or not as a result of his insecurities/jealousy). And when in that mode, a guy has no intentions of working things out; his basic instinct is to hurt you back, hence the contacts with other women in a way that conscientiously or not, you'd find out.
Coming back with the double standard argument makes no sense because in the wounded child mode the last thing your boyfriend is going to be is rational. So... the whole thing gets out of hand.
Your guy is not abnormal in this sense: he can be "perfect" as long as things go well, and become quite a different person when they don't. You have seen that perfection is indeed a fantasy and the sooner you get off that illusion and come to realize that in the whole he's just as human as anybody else, you're better off.
He simply doesn't deal with problems as well as he does when all is going well. Feeding his wounded child ego with more fuel is the wrong approach. What he needs now from you, more than he ever needed before, is the adult you to take a deep breath, understand that when he's hurt he's not going to be very rational, and wait for his adult self to return so that you can have conversations that adults do, not that 3 year-olds do.
By: Tina
Age: 34
Location: NY
Question: Met a guy and we were perfect together. We never argued, never did anything wrong it was simply the most amazing thing on earth. I’d start dinner he’d finish or the other way around, I’d start laundry he’d finish, everything was that way, and the sex was amazing. I’m talking a great relationship that you’d read in a book as fantasy, it was us. Even the kids adored him. But he messed up and got sent to Prison in Colo. (I’m in NY) he was in for 5 months meanwhile I gave birth to his son, his first and only child which bothers him because he still never seen his son. When he got out he was on Parole so he’s stuck in Colo. And all day every day all I’d hear is “who are you talking to, what are you doing, do you love me, why wont you answer your phone it’s already been 2 hours sense we last talked”.. it was crazy because I wasn’t doing anything I was only eager to get back to where we left off. In time I got annoyed and got kind of mean toward him and he did the same, but then he gets on face book and sends messages to ex-girlfriends and it says “message me on my phone not on face book I miss you and want to talk” .. he gave them his phone number, not one or two but a few. He forgot to erase his sent messages and I saw it. At first he denied it and he was so awful at lying, then he admits it but changes his reason several times, I might have let it go had he not lied so many times over it but the lie after lie was so annoying and frustrating I wanted to jump off a mountain. Then he spent a lot of time pointing out my flaws which I took as him trying to make his own seem smaller mainly because he was pointing out that I talked to other guys but that wasn’t true. Then he calls and text me over and over saying we can make it work, he loves me, cant be w/o me and goes on and on. He said the famous words “it will never happen again”! Problem: when he got out his parole officer told us to get married so he could transfer to be with his son, that didn’t work so I filed for an annulment after he contacted these women and he wouldn’t sign the papers. Yesterday he calls and tells me how much he loves and needs me, then calls to call me names, only to call apologizing only to then ignore me. Why? Why is he playing that game?
My reply… cool I will stay with you but I’m going to find a few guys to give my phone number to … he said these women will never call him anyway but that’s not the point, so I will give my number to a few guys and they will never call me but have my number incase they ever decide to call me … he didn’t agree, why? It was ok when he did it so why couldn’t I? Maybe I’m over reacting but then if it was “nothing” why couldn’t I do the same thing?
My question … Why? Why do guys do this? If he is so interested in other women why hang on to me? I’m fairly confident it can and will happen again because he’s stuck in Colo for the next 14 months, he’s lonely and he needs to feel special I cant do that for him being in different states and honestly he cant do it for me right now either yet I was sticking it out.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy gets hurt, the most common reaction is to return to his wounded child mode. Have you ever seen a 2 or 3 year old boy get mad? (With 5 children, I'm guessing you do). Well, that's what your boyfriend was like after he felt hurt (never mind whether he had a reason to feel that way or not as a result of his insecurities/jealousy). And when in that mode, a guy has no intentions of working things out; his basic instinct is to hurt you back, hence the contacts with other women in a way that conscientiously or not, you'd find out.
Coming back with the double standard argument makes no sense because in the wounded child mode the last thing your boyfriend is going to be is rational. So... the whole thing gets out of hand.
Your guy is not abnormal in this sense: he can be "perfect" as long as things go well, and become quite a different person when they don't. You have seen that perfection is indeed a fantasy and the sooner you get off that illusion and come to realize that in the whole he's just as human as anybody else, you're better off.
He simply doesn't deal with problems as well as he does when all is going well. Feeding his wounded child ego with more fuel is the wrong approach. What he needs now from you, more than he ever needed before, is the adult you to take a deep breath, understand that when he's hurt he's not going to be very rational, and wait for his adult self to return so that you can have conversations that adults do, not that 3 year-olds do.
It's 'safe' to be friends with me
Submitted on Friday, July 17, 2009
By: Why the change??
Age: 18
Location: Why the change??
Question: If you are friends with a guy and he doesn't take interest in hanging out with you, but after you have a boyfriend he decides to hang out with you. What does that mean? I think the guy knew that I liked him before I had a boyfriend. So I wonder if he is okay with hanging out with me because he thinks I only see him as a friend and it's 'safe' to be friends with me?
I talked about my boyfriend to him for a very long time one day and he gave me good advice. I think he wants to be my friend?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, sounds like you're right. But is he the one taking the initiative to spend time with you or he just simply agreeing to spend time with you when you ask?
The reason I ask is because I believe guys have no use for female friendship unless there is an ulterior motive. If he's agreeing to spend time with you at your request then I think he simply enjoys your company and since you have a boyfriend he's off the hook about you wanting more. If, however, he's now the one seeking your company, don't discount that there is some element of male territoriality going on and if it's not already, it may become a battle for your attention, if nothing else as a result of male on male competition.
I say this just so that you're aware if for some reason he seems to start interfering with your relationship. Even if he doesn't like you enough, his ego may still want to own you. Just keep that in mind.
By: Why the change??
Age: 18
Location: Why the change??
Question: If you are friends with a guy and he doesn't take interest in hanging out with you, but after you have a boyfriend he decides to hang out with you. What does that mean? I think the guy knew that I liked him before I had a boyfriend. So I wonder if he is okay with hanging out with me because he thinks I only see him as a friend and it's 'safe' to be friends with me?
I talked about my boyfriend to him for a very long time one day and he gave me good advice. I think he wants to be my friend?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, sounds like you're right. But is he the one taking the initiative to spend time with you or he just simply agreeing to spend time with you when you ask?
The reason I ask is because I believe guys have no use for female friendship unless there is an ulterior motive. If he's agreeing to spend time with you at your request then I think he simply enjoys your company and since you have a boyfriend he's off the hook about you wanting more. If, however, he's now the one seeking your company, don't discount that there is some element of male territoriality going on and if it's not already, it may become a battle for your attention, if nothing else as a result of male on male competition.
I say this just so that you're aware if for some reason he seems to start interfering with your relationship. Even if he doesn't like you enough, his ego may still want to own you. Just keep that in mind.
I really want him to kiss me
Submitted on Friday, July 17, 2009
By: Karen
Age: 16
Location: Vancouver
Question: how do you let a guy know you want him to kiss you? I have been going out with this guy for a year and i really want him to kiss me but my friend says i should let him make the move to kiss. WHAT SHOULD I DO???????????
VictorM's advice:
One year and no kiss? What, is his head wrapped in duct tape?
One year is just too long to wait for a guy to make a move, specially at your age. Forget what your friends say -- pin this guy down somewhere, and slobber all over his mouth already!
Of course, beware of the monster you may be creating. :)
By: Karen
Age: 16
Location: Vancouver
Question: how do you let a guy know you want him to kiss you? I have been going out with this guy for a year and i really want him to kiss me but my friend says i should let him make the move to kiss. WHAT SHOULD I DO???????????
VictorM's advice:
One year and no kiss? What, is his head wrapped in duct tape?
One year is just too long to wait for a guy to make a move, specially at your age. Forget what your friends say -- pin this guy down somewhere, and slobber all over his mouth already!
Of course, beware of the monster you may be creating. :)
We would always meet up for sex
Submitted on Friday, July 17, 2009
By: evelyn
Age: 20
Location: nyc
Question: I met this man on match in January 2008. We hit it off very well and we would in the beginning see each other by going to places, meeting for lunch, going to restaurants and well that all changed really when we began to become intimate. The first time we went to a hotel (He shares his apt with sister) but then every single time after that we would always meet up for sex. Hotels every week or every other week. We would order dinner in the room and stay there till 2 in the morning and then he would go back to his place and I would go back to mine. I was in college, great student- but slowly my priorities shifted so that if he wanted to meet I would make it happen. He went to Israel for 6 months (he is a religious jew) and at 34 he is unmarried. He came back and it went back to how things have always been. I dropped out of college bc my gpa went down the toilet and am now applying to a community college. In may I told him I loved him and I knew he cared for me but just not enough. He still tries to reach me and meet up but I have decided enough is enough. I need to grow up and actualize my goals that was put on hold for him. MY question is this. Why has he been with me for so long? He never told me he loved me but he tells me all these things that are on the same level as love. Did he ever care for me? What should I do? I know you'll be harsh in your words- for you say the truth- but I am ready to hear it. Thank you very much.
VictorM's advice:
I think you've had enough harshness to last you a while. You don't need it from me.
You were in love and he in lust. I think it's that simple. Lust will make a guy say a lot of things that sound like love, but they're not.
Did he ever love you? No. From the outset it was lust, and the lust just got stronger as you continued to accept his invitations to have sex. Does he care for you as a person? No. Lust is a purely selfish emotion and anything he does, he does for himself, including saying words you want to hear. After all, did he do anything to make sure your studies weren't affected? Doesn't sound like it from your question.
He was in a "take" mode and you were in a "give" mode. It's a good thing you stopped that imbalance.
By: evelyn
Age: 20
Location: nyc
Question: I met this man on match in January 2008. We hit it off very well and we would in the beginning see each other by going to places, meeting for lunch, going to restaurants and well that all changed really when we began to become intimate. The first time we went to a hotel (He shares his apt with sister) but then every single time after that we would always meet up for sex. Hotels every week or every other week. We would order dinner in the room and stay there till 2 in the morning and then he would go back to his place and I would go back to mine. I was in college, great student- but slowly my priorities shifted so that if he wanted to meet I would make it happen. He went to Israel for 6 months (he is a religious jew) and at 34 he is unmarried. He came back and it went back to how things have always been. I dropped out of college bc my gpa went down the toilet and am now applying to a community college. In may I told him I loved him and I knew he cared for me but just not enough. He still tries to reach me and meet up but I have decided enough is enough. I need to grow up and actualize my goals that was put on hold for him. MY question is this. Why has he been with me for so long? He never told me he loved me but he tells me all these things that are on the same level as love. Did he ever care for me? What should I do? I know you'll be harsh in your words- for you say the truth- but I am ready to hear it. Thank you very much.
VictorM's advice:
I think you've had enough harshness to last you a while. You don't need it from me.
You were in love and he in lust. I think it's that simple. Lust will make a guy say a lot of things that sound like love, but they're not.
Did he ever love you? No. From the outset it was lust, and the lust just got stronger as you continued to accept his invitations to have sex. Does he care for you as a person? No. Lust is a purely selfish emotion and anything he does, he does for himself, including saying words you want to hear. After all, did he do anything to make sure your studies weren't affected? Doesn't sound like it from your question.
He was in a "take" mode and you were in a "give" mode. It's a good thing you stopped that imbalance.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Bringing our good time to a screeching halt
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: Roxy
Age: 30
Location: Texas
Question: Hi Victor! A little while back, I met a great guy at a friend's birthday party and we really connected. He told me when we started dating that he had been in a relationship for the past 12 years and had recently moved to my town from another state. The reason for the breakup was a lot of things, but it basically came down to money (he had to close his business and file bankruptcy and she didn't like it), and sex drive (she's quite a bit older and winding down, and he's still very active in his 40's). We agreed to take things slowly and just see how it goes. Anyways, to make a long story short, we really ended up liking each other and grew close very quickly (within a month). I didn't want to get too attached not knowing if this was a rebound situation, but things happen. About 2 weeks ago, his ex-girlfriend called, bringing our good time to a screeching halt. He was conflicted on what to do, so I told him to take the time and space he needs to make a decision...and that if he decides to go forward with me then we can pick up where we left off assuming that I'm still available. He broke down in tears over the phone and said that he was sorry for putting me in this position, that he deeply cared for me, etc etc. I sent him an email after that conversation telling him that basically I'm sorry things turned out this way, but I can't be in the middle of a love triangle while he makes up his mind. But if he wanted to just be friends (no sex) then I was cool with that. About a week went by (we have not talked since), and he emailed me back saying that he feels like he has lost his best friend since what happened between us, and that he had the best month with me that he's had in a long time, he needs time to sort things out, etc...and closed by saying that he loves me.
What do you make of all this? Did I do the right thing by backing away from the situation? I'm thinking I should stick to my guns and just move on with life and let the chips fall where they may...but a little part of me has hope that his decision may swing in my favor. What do you say?
VictorM's advice:
I think you did the right thing. The ball really is in his court and there's nothing that you could have done or said that would alter the reality: that his attachment to his ex is much deeper than he believed.
I don't think he lied to you about her. It's common practice by us humans to need to vilify our ex in order to garner sufficient courage to move on. In our own minds, we amplify, exaggerate, and distort. He probably made her sound worst than she is because he needed to believe it in order to leave her. But time is a healer, and time away from her probably softened his memory.
What you are left with is the realization that his commitment to you is nowhere near as strong as you believed. And this is, as you feared, the text book rebound situation. It's very hard to compete against 12 years of familiarity, shared memories, and joint dreams.
He may come back to you, but frankly, I doubt it. At least until he gives her another chance.
By: Roxy
Age: 30
Location: Texas
Question: Hi Victor! A little while back, I met a great guy at a friend's birthday party and we really connected. He told me when we started dating that he had been in a relationship for the past 12 years and had recently moved to my town from another state. The reason for the breakup was a lot of things, but it basically came down to money (he had to close his business and file bankruptcy and she didn't like it), and sex drive (she's quite a bit older and winding down, and he's still very active in his 40's). We agreed to take things slowly and just see how it goes. Anyways, to make a long story short, we really ended up liking each other and grew close very quickly (within a month). I didn't want to get too attached not knowing if this was a rebound situation, but things happen. About 2 weeks ago, his ex-girlfriend called, bringing our good time to a screeching halt. He was conflicted on what to do, so I told him to take the time and space he needs to make a decision...and that if he decides to go forward with me then we can pick up where we left off assuming that I'm still available. He broke down in tears over the phone and said that he was sorry for putting me in this position, that he deeply cared for me, etc etc. I sent him an email after that conversation telling him that basically I'm sorry things turned out this way, but I can't be in the middle of a love triangle while he makes up his mind. But if he wanted to just be friends (no sex) then I was cool with that. About a week went by (we have not talked since), and he emailed me back saying that he feels like he has lost his best friend since what happened between us, and that he had the best month with me that he's had in a long time, he needs time to sort things out, etc...and closed by saying that he loves me.
What do you make of all this? Did I do the right thing by backing away from the situation? I'm thinking I should stick to my guns and just move on with life and let the chips fall where they may...but a little part of me has hope that his decision may swing in my favor. What do you say?
VictorM's advice:
I think you did the right thing. The ball really is in his court and there's nothing that you could have done or said that would alter the reality: that his attachment to his ex is much deeper than he believed.
I don't think he lied to you about her. It's common practice by us humans to need to vilify our ex in order to garner sufficient courage to move on. In our own minds, we amplify, exaggerate, and distort. He probably made her sound worst than she is because he needed to believe it in order to leave her. But time is a healer, and time away from her probably softened his memory.
What you are left with is the realization that his commitment to you is nowhere near as strong as you believed. And this is, as you feared, the text book rebound situation. It's very hard to compete against 12 years of familiarity, shared memories, and joint dreams.
He may come back to you, but frankly, I doubt it. At least until he gives her another chance.
We got really close over a period of six months
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: Katie
Age: 17
Location: South
Question: Ok so here's the deal. There was this guy at my school that I have become really close friends with. We got really close over a period of six months and by summer vacation, we were hanging out pretty much everyday over a two week period. At first he was just a real good friend, but then i started to really get to know him and like him alot. We finally got to the point where he asked me out over a text saying "Ive really gotten close to you and i really like you" I was beyond happy because this was to be only the 2nd guy who ever showed interest in me ever. We hung out twice after that and even cuddled on the couch late at night. 2 days after that he told me that he just didnt have the time to commit to a relationship because he just accepted a full time job and he was to leave for a special program for his college at the beginning of July. Of course i was crushed but I understood. We hung out still after that but the flirting and stuff changed for awhile. he was constantly saying stuff like "you know i only see us as friends right?" or "you know that il be dating and stuff in college and youll be dating people in high school, so i just wanna know if that's alright with you?" It finally got to the point where i told him that i wasn't expecting anything out of this friendship besides being friends. After I said that, for some reason (at least to me) the close feeling i had with him came back, and started to flirt and mess around with me again (like tickle me and steal my stuff and tease me) The last two nights before he left for college we hung out, and ( i dont know if he meant it or not cause he was exhausted) but i was trying to drag him off the couch and we ended up like holding hands for a period and he looked at me differently. The next night, i was on his bed and he gently tackled me and started to tickle me... on the way home he told me that a friend of his wanted to hang out before he left but he didn't want to hang with her and before i got out of the car he told me (since he knew that i was going to miss him like a lot) that he would call me, or text me, or write me everyday while he was away. Ive asked some friends about this and they said that they think he like me but doesn't like the fact that he does because of all the timing issues and stuff. What do you think about it?
VictorM's advice:
I'd put it this way: he likes you but he's not hopelessly in love with you. That is, he enjoys your company as a member of the opposite sex but he's not stuck on you.
Boys love physical contact with girls (tickling, wrestling, cuddling, etc.) And if they like the girl, that's even more fun. And that's what he has been doing -- having fun.
I give him credit for being upfront with you, and also give him credit for having the common sense to know that with him going to college and you staying in high school, the reality is that you'll each find others to have fun with.
By: Katie
Age: 17
Location: South
Question: Ok so here's the deal. There was this guy at my school that I have become really close friends with. We got really close over a period of six months and by summer vacation, we were hanging out pretty much everyday over a two week period. At first he was just a real good friend, but then i started to really get to know him and like him alot. We finally got to the point where he asked me out over a text saying "Ive really gotten close to you and i really like you" I was beyond happy because this was to be only the 2nd guy who ever showed interest in me ever. We hung out twice after that and even cuddled on the couch late at night. 2 days after that he told me that he just didnt have the time to commit to a relationship because he just accepted a full time job and he was to leave for a special program for his college at the beginning of July. Of course i was crushed but I understood. We hung out still after that but the flirting and stuff changed for awhile. he was constantly saying stuff like "you know i only see us as friends right?" or "you know that il be dating and stuff in college and youll be dating people in high school, so i just wanna know if that's alright with you?" It finally got to the point where i told him that i wasn't expecting anything out of this friendship besides being friends. After I said that, for some reason (at least to me) the close feeling i had with him came back, and started to flirt and mess around with me again (like tickle me and steal my stuff and tease me) The last two nights before he left for college we hung out, and ( i dont know if he meant it or not cause he was exhausted) but i was trying to drag him off the couch and we ended up like holding hands for a period and he looked at me differently. The next night, i was on his bed and he gently tackled me and started to tickle me... on the way home he told me that a friend of his wanted to hang out before he left but he didn't want to hang with her and before i got out of the car he told me (since he knew that i was going to miss him like a lot) that he would call me, or text me, or write me everyday while he was away. Ive asked some friends about this and they said that they think he like me but doesn't like the fact that he does because of all the timing issues and stuff. What do you think about it?
VictorM's advice:
I'd put it this way: he likes you but he's not hopelessly in love with you. That is, he enjoys your company as a member of the opposite sex but he's not stuck on you.
Boys love physical contact with girls (tickling, wrestling, cuddling, etc.) And if they like the girl, that's even more fun. And that's what he has been doing -- having fun.
I give him credit for being upfront with you, and also give him credit for having the common sense to know that with him going to college and you staying in high school, the reality is that you'll each find others to have fun with.
He text messages me first
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 40
Location: CA
Question: I met this gy on Match.com....Iknow!!!! BUT...on our second date he told me that he wanted to shut his profile down and see where things could go. I looked the next day...he is not on Match anymore. Ok...it has been three weeks. We see each other when ever we do not have our kids. he text messages me first...about 6 or 7 times a day, I never call and rarely text first.. I wish he would call more. Here is my question. Is text messaging to a guy the same as talking on the phone? He seems to have very little interest in talking on the phone. We talk tons when we are together and have several text conversations each day. I would like to hint that I would like to talk a little more, or do I just need to suck it up and be happy with texting and the fact he has already talked about what we are going to do two weeks from now. Again...are they the same for a guy?????
VictorM's advice:
He text messages you first and 6 or 7 times a day? Most girls would give up a pair of shoes to have their guys do that. But are you happy? Of course not. No, no, no... he must call to keep you happy. No wonder males have a lower life expectancy than females! :)
Look, most guys hate to do both. Phone calls and text messages are inventions of the devil herself. But at least, with text messages you can do other things, respond when you have time, and not have to be overheard by your friends or coworkers.
In any case, get used to one thing: the text messages will decrease! That's as sure a thing as I can imagine. He's still in the mode of seducing you. It will not last. The number of messages will go down. Remember this!
But if you must bring up your interest in more phone calls, don't nag about it. Use positive reinforcement. Say how sexy his voice is and you want to hear it more often. Say you love to hear from him. If and when he calls, make sure to reward him with a treat.
By: Sarah
Age: 40
Location: CA
Question: I met this gy on Match.com....Iknow!!!! BUT...on our second date he told me that he wanted to shut his profile down and see where things could go. I looked the next day...he is not on Match anymore. Ok...it has been three weeks. We see each other when ever we do not have our kids. he text messages me first...about 6 or 7 times a day, I never call and rarely text first.. I wish he would call more. Here is my question. Is text messaging to a guy the same as talking on the phone? He seems to have very little interest in talking on the phone. We talk tons when we are together and have several text conversations each day. I would like to hint that I would like to talk a little more, or do I just need to suck it up and be happy with texting and the fact he has already talked about what we are going to do two weeks from now. Again...are they the same for a guy?????
VictorM's advice:
He text messages you first and 6 or 7 times a day? Most girls would give up a pair of shoes to have their guys do that. But are you happy? Of course not. No, no, no... he must call to keep you happy. No wonder males have a lower life expectancy than females! :)
Look, most guys hate to do both. Phone calls and text messages are inventions of the devil herself. But at least, with text messages you can do other things, respond when you have time, and not have to be overheard by your friends or coworkers.
In any case, get used to one thing: the text messages will decrease! That's as sure a thing as I can imagine. He's still in the mode of seducing you. It will not last. The number of messages will go down. Remember this!
But if you must bring up your interest in more phone calls, don't nag about it. Use positive reinforcement. Say how sexy his voice is and you want to hear it more often. Say you love to hear from him. If and when he calls, make sure to reward him with a treat.
I kinda yelled at him
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 30
Location: Houston
Question: Ok, so here's the situation (sorry for how long it is!): I met this guy at a bar about 6 weeks ago on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and he text me on Saturday and asked what my plans were for the night. I told him I would be out with friends and he said to let me know where I ended up going and maybe we could meet up. I did text him, but instead of coming to meet me, he wanted me to come to the bar where he was. I didn't go because I didn't want to set bad precedent. Then he texted me again on Sunday asking how my night was. I said "it was good, sorry that we didn't meet up, but maybe we can get together sometime this week." He said okay and we made plans for a Wednesday night dinner date. I didn't hear from him again until 5pm on Wednesday when he texted me to ask when/where I wanted to meet. We met for dinner at 7:30 and had a great time, didn't leave the restaurant until midnight. He was out of town that following weekend and I didn't hear from him after our date until the next Monday when he emailed me "how was your weekend...blah, blah." We met for drinks that week (with his friends and my friends), and then I was out of town that weekend. I didn't see him that following week when I got back because I was sick and then I left town again on Thursday for the weekend. I called him on Sunday when I got back in town, he didn't answer and I didn't hear back from him until Tuesday when he emailed me. I had a pool party that next Saturday and he came, met my friends and had a good time. Then a group of us (including him, of course) met for drinks/dancing that night. He came over the next Tuesday for dinner/movie and my place. We made-out on the couch for like 45min, but no sex because I just didn't feel that comfortable yet. Then I went out of town again that weekend for the 4th (I know, I travel a lot...summer-time FUN!!). He met me and some friends for drinks the following Tuesday when I got back in town and, after having a little too much to drink, I kinda yelled at him for not putting forth enough effort (rarely calls, comes around, but only like once a week and usually at my invitation, etc.). I think he was kind of embarrassed because I yelled at him at the bar in front of everyone. Needless to say, when he left I figured I would never hear from him again. I sent an apology email the next day, but he didn't reply. Then I texted him the following day to see if he wanted to hang out and he said he already had plans, but thanks for the invite. So at that point I thought it best to drop it. But, then he emailed me on Monday saying "how was your weekend...", texted me on Tuesday and asked if I had plans. I did already have plans so we decided to do dinner/movie at his place on Wednesday (yesterday) instead. I went to his house and he cooked dinner, we cuddled up on the couch for a movie and then had sex for the first time. When I left he hugged and kissed me good-bye, but didn't say anything about seeing me again. We've texted a couple of times today (I texted him first), but that's it. I guess I'm just confused about what this guy's intentions are. It's been six weeks and we've had maybe 4 phone conversations, hung out 6 times (only 3 have been one-on-one time and 2 were "at-home" dates at either his place or mine). He keeps communicating with me (mostly via text and email) and keeps coming around (again, mostly at my invitation), but I feel like he's only putting forth a half effort and I can't tell if he's just a slow mover or if he's just not that interested. One more thing, he's new to town...moved here about 3 months ago, so maybe he just wants to still play the field a little? What are your thoughts on his feelings/intentions?? Is it worth it for me to stick around for a while? I like him, but I don't want our relationship to always be this casual. Should I say something to him? If so, what?? Thanks for your help!
VictorM's advice:
You yelled at him? It's amazing he's still interested. Must speak volumes about your looks. :)
Kelly, for crying out loud, you're out of town half of the time, and the other half, you've spent a few hours alone. Of course it's casual! Guys like to get to know a girl before they get more serious, and he simply hasn't had enough time to know you.
Guys do move much slower than girls when it comes to getting serious. So yeah, you have to be patient... and stop the damn yelling.
By: Kelly
Age: 30
Location: Houston
Question: Ok, so here's the situation (sorry for how long it is!): I met this guy at a bar about 6 weeks ago on a Friday. We exchanged numbers and he text me on Saturday and asked what my plans were for the night. I told him I would be out with friends and he said to let me know where I ended up going and maybe we could meet up. I did text him, but instead of coming to meet me, he wanted me to come to the bar where he was. I didn't go because I didn't want to set bad precedent. Then he texted me again on Sunday asking how my night was. I said "it was good, sorry that we didn't meet up, but maybe we can get together sometime this week." He said okay and we made plans for a Wednesday night dinner date. I didn't hear from him again until 5pm on Wednesday when he texted me to ask when/where I wanted to meet. We met for dinner at 7:30 and had a great time, didn't leave the restaurant until midnight. He was out of town that following weekend and I didn't hear from him after our date until the next Monday when he emailed me "how was your weekend...blah, blah." We met for drinks that week (with his friends and my friends), and then I was out of town that weekend. I didn't see him that following week when I got back because I was sick and then I left town again on Thursday for the weekend. I called him on Sunday when I got back in town, he didn't answer and I didn't hear back from him until Tuesday when he emailed me. I had a pool party that next Saturday and he came, met my friends and had a good time. Then a group of us (including him, of course) met for drinks/dancing that night. He came over the next Tuesday for dinner/movie and my place. We made-out on the couch for like 45min, but no sex because I just didn't feel that comfortable yet. Then I went out of town again that weekend for the 4th (I know, I travel a lot...summer-time FUN!!). He met me and some friends for drinks the following Tuesday when I got back in town and, after having a little too much to drink, I kinda yelled at him for not putting forth enough effort (rarely calls, comes around, but only like once a week and usually at my invitation, etc.). I think he was kind of embarrassed because I yelled at him at the bar in front of everyone. Needless to say, when he left I figured I would never hear from him again. I sent an apology email the next day, but he didn't reply. Then I texted him the following day to see if he wanted to hang out and he said he already had plans, but thanks for the invite. So at that point I thought it best to drop it. But, then he emailed me on Monday saying "how was your weekend...", texted me on Tuesday and asked if I had plans. I did already have plans so we decided to do dinner/movie at his place on Wednesday (yesterday) instead. I went to his house and he cooked dinner, we cuddled up on the couch for a movie and then had sex for the first time. When I left he hugged and kissed me good-bye, but didn't say anything about seeing me again. We've texted a couple of times today (I texted him first), but that's it. I guess I'm just confused about what this guy's intentions are. It's been six weeks and we've had maybe 4 phone conversations, hung out 6 times (only 3 have been one-on-one time and 2 were "at-home" dates at either his place or mine). He keeps communicating with me (mostly via text and email) and keeps coming around (again, mostly at my invitation), but I feel like he's only putting forth a half effort and I can't tell if he's just a slow mover or if he's just not that interested. One more thing, he's new to town...moved here about 3 months ago, so maybe he just wants to still play the field a little? What are your thoughts on his feelings/intentions?? Is it worth it for me to stick around for a while? I like him, but I don't want our relationship to always be this casual. Should I say something to him? If so, what?? Thanks for your help!
VictorM's advice:
You yelled at him? It's amazing he's still interested. Must speak volumes about your looks. :)
Kelly, for crying out loud, you're out of town half of the time, and the other half, you've spent a few hours alone. Of course it's casual! Guys like to get to know a girl before they get more serious, and he simply hasn't had enough time to know you.
Guys do move much slower than girls when it comes to getting serious. So yeah, you have to be patient... and stop the damn yelling.
What did i do wrong?!?
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 19
Question: So a guy that has been a friend for awhile and i were talking and i decided if he wanted anything to happen with me then i wanted a relationship. He was all for it so we hung out and he said he really liked me and all we did was kiss. Then the next day he said that he really liked me but i didn't seem that interested and he didn't want a relationship because he likes to do his own thing. He also said it wasn't about sex cuz he hasn't done it in a long time. What did i do wrong?!?
VictorM's advice:
You did nothing wrong. He liked you, but after sleeping on it one night, he realized that he preferred doing his own thing at this time.
Sometimes you have to have the noose around your neck to realize that hanging ain't fun. That's what happened to him.
By: Sarah
Age: 19
Question: So a guy that has been a friend for awhile and i were talking and i decided if he wanted anything to happen with me then i wanted a relationship. He was all for it so we hung out and he said he really liked me and all we did was kiss. Then the next day he said that he really liked me but i didn't seem that interested and he didn't want a relationship because he likes to do his own thing. He also said it wasn't about sex cuz he hasn't done it in a long time. What did i do wrong?!?
VictorM's advice:
You did nothing wrong. He liked you, but after sleeping on it one night, he realized that he preferred doing his own thing at this time.
Sometimes you have to have the noose around your neck to realize that hanging ain't fun. That's what happened to him.
I have had a major crush on him
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: beck
Age: 15
Location: new york
Question: hey i love your advice and i really need i more than ever. there is this guy who was in one of my classes last year and ever since i have had a major crush on him. the thing is i have never talked to him before and he does not know me. i really don't see myself getting over him soon. please help me my friends think that we would make a cute couple and you are my last resource.
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't matter that you two never talked. Do two simple things: 1) smile at him; 2) greet him by using his name (if you don't know it, find it out). So, if you walk by him, smile, and say "Hi, John" in a way he can clearly hear. Then, sit back and watch the fireworks. If he's shy it may take a while, but otherwise, he'll be all over you soon enough.
Go get him!
By: beck
Age: 15
Location: new york
Question: hey i love your advice and i really need i more than ever. there is this guy who was in one of my classes last year and ever since i have had a major crush on him. the thing is i have never talked to him before and he does not know me. i really don't see myself getting over him soon. please help me my friends think that we would make a cute couple and you are my last resource.
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't matter that you two never talked. Do two simple things: 1) smile at him; 2) greet him by using his name (if you don't know it, find it out). So, if you walk by him, smile, and say "Hi, John" in a way he can clearly hear. Then, sit back and watch the fireworks. If he's shy it may take a while, but otherwise, he'll be all over you soon enough.
Go get him!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
He chased after me
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: Tina
Age: 26
Location: New York
Question: Okay so I have been dating this one guy for about two years now, off and on. When we first started dating, he chased after me and took me out to expensive dinner and etc. But then in the beginning, I told him that I didn't want a relationship. And after that its been all downhill. Meaning he doesn't call me that much. And we do date other people but for some reason we always come back to each other. We date off and on. He doesn't call unless I call him first, and then he starts the conversion about us hanging out and making plans. I haven't talked about a relationship with him for a couple years now. I'm sick and tired of this off and on thing. We don't break up or anything we just loose touch and then reconnect somehow. His friends some of them that I have never met, have made comments to my friends stating that "they are probably gonna end up together." Does that seem like that he talks about me to his friends? Does it seem like the guy is interested and I'm not sure if he's dating other girls. What can I do to take this to another level. I'm sick of this off and on. Should I just outright talk to the guy? I don't want to scare him off. But honestly let's say if he says that he doesn't know how he feels or lets see where this goes then isn't it true that he isn't interested, cause its been two years. After two years a guy should know.. right?/? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Unless by "taking it to the next level" you mean level zero, I'd say you're hugely delusional.
After two years this guy knows exactly where he stands. You are filler. Someone to get back to when there's no one else to put up with his crap. There's always reliable you. But while guys may enjoy the safe harbor for a bit, they lose respect for woman who can't stand their own ground. When you say you're not sure if you should talk to him because you might scare him off, you really are scrapping the bottom of the barrel! You couldn't scare him with a bathtub full of water and a live wire.
Unless you are willing to lose him, you have already lost him. So talk to the guy and don't hold back.
By: Tina
Age: 26
Location: New York
Question: Okay so I have been dating this one guy for about two years now, off and on. When we first started dating, he chased after me and took me out to expensive dinner and etc. But then in the beginning, I told him that I didn't want a relationship. And after that its been all downhill. Meaning he doesn't call me that much. And we do date other people but for some reason we always come back to each other. We date off and on. He doesn't call unless I call him first, and then he starts the conversion about us hanging out and making plans. I haven't talked about a relationship with him for a couple years now. I'm sick and tired of this off and on thing. We don't break up or anything we just loose touch and then reconnect somehow. His friends some of them that I have never met, have made comments to my friends stating that "they are probably gonna end up together." Does that seem like that he talks about me to his friends? Does it seem like the guy is interested and I'm not sure if he's dating other girls. What can I do to take this to another level. I'm sick of this off and on. Should I just outright talk to the guy? I don't want to scare him off. But honestly let's say if he says that he doesn't know how he feels or lets see where this goes then isn't it true that he isn't interested, cause its been two years. After two years a guy should know.. right?/? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Unless by "taking it to the next level" you mean level zero, I'd say you're hugely delusional.
After two years this guy knows exactly where he stands. You are filler. Someone to get back to when there's no one else to put up with his crap. There's always reliable you. But while guys may enjoy the safe harbor for a bit, they lose respect for woman who can't stand their own ground. When you say you're not sure if you should talk to him because you might scare him off, you really are scrapping the bottom of the barrel! You couldn't scare him with a bathtub full of water and a live wire.
Unless you are willing to lose him, you have already lost him. So talk to the guy and don't hold back.
One thing led to another
Submitted on Thursday, July 16, 2009
By: Aprile
Age: 42
Location: Arizona
Question: I recently made a connection with an old boyfriend after 25 years. We have only been talking again for about 2 weeks. We agreed to meet last week at his house for drinks and convo..one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Here is the thing...I have not communicated with him everyday since, but he would send me texts asking how my day was, making small talk like that. One day he said I was hard to read and said that he did not know if I liked him or not and wondered if he was a rebound for me after I had come out of a 16 year marriage (4 years ago mind you). He asked me about my volatile relationship and I was honest and explained it to him. We met again and of course slept together. I didn't communicate with him the next day, then all of a sudden I get a text saying that we need to talk about our one nite stands. I called him and he did a total turn around from his previous texts to me...he said that we was not in a point in his life to start a relationship and that it is okay if we keep doing what we are doing, if I want, and hoped that there was no miscommunication. I was stunned by this sudden switch to low gear, and stated to him what I had originally told him in the beginning, I was not looking for a relationship...just good friends hanging out and whatever. I am confused by his sudden cool off. What happened and should I shut it down now before I get sucked in too far and start getting hurt?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like after your first encounter he was expecting you to want a committed relationship. When you didn't respond as he was expecting, and instead you were more aloof about it, he then understood your intentions to just "hang out and whatever." So he let you know that he was cool with that as well. I don't see it as shifting gears, just adapting to your wishes.
If all you want is to hang out and whatever, why are you worried about being sucked in too far and start getting hurt? You're the one setting the rules, he's just agreeing. If he gets over his head on this, he will get sucked in, not you.
Of course, what I think will happen is that despite your claims to just want to "hang out and whatever," that will not be the case. You will eventually either want more or nothing. How do I know that? Because you're a woman. Enough said. :-p
By: Aprile
Age: 42
Location: Arizona
Question: I recently made a connection with an old boyfriend after 25 years. We have only been talking again for about 2 weeks. We agreed to meet last week at his house for drinks and convo..one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Here is the thing...I have not communicated with him everyday since, but he would send me texts asking how my day was, making small talk like that. One day he said I was hard to read and said that he did not know if I liked him or not and wondered if he was a rebound for me after I had come out of a 16 year marriage (4 years ago mind you). He asked me about my volatile relationship and I was honest and explained it to him. We met again and of course slept together. I didn't communicate with him the next day, then all of a sudden I get a text saying that we need to talk about our one nite stands. I called him and he did a total turn around from his previous texts to me...he said that we was not in a point in his life to start a relationship and that it is okay if we keep doing what we are doing, if I want, and hoped that there was no miscommunication. I was stunned by this sudden switch to low gear, and stated to him what I had originally told him in the beginning, I was not looking for a relationship...just good friends hanging out and whatever. I am confused by his sudden cool off. What happened and should I shut it down now before I get sucked in too far and start getting hurt?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like after your first encounter he was expecting you to want a committed relationship. When you didn't respond as he was expecting, and instead you were more aloof about it, he then understood your intentions to just "hang out and whatever." So he let you know that he was cool with that as well. I don't see it as shifting gears, just adapting to your wishes.
If all you want is to hang out and whatever, why are you worried about being sucked in too far and start getting hurt? You're the one setting the rules, he's just agreeing. If he gets over his head on this, he will get sucked in, not you.
Of course, what I think will happen is that despite your claims to just want to "hang out and whatever," that will not be the case. You will eventually either want more or nothing. How do I know that? Because you're a woman. Enough said. :-p
We were pretty into each other
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: Sarah Dewen
Age: 19
Location: Melbourne
Question: I've been friends with this guy for about 3 years now. When we first met, we were pretty into each other - I told him that I liked him, and he said that he liked me as well, but that he was in love with his ex - also, he thought I was too innocent, and said that if he ever did anything to hurt me, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself so we never went out. I'm still in love with him, I'm always thinking about him, but I know he's moved on. I just don't know what to do anymore
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what to tell you other than you have to move on as well. But the thing is, there's nothing wrong with you still thinking about him as you date other guys. Many of us retain fond memories of the first person we fell in love with, even as we move on to fall in love with others. This guy represents your awakening as far as romance is concerned, and it will always be special.
I say cherish the memory instead of trying to toss it aside, and start working on new memories. You will fall in love again, in a more mature way, with some other guy, someday.
By: Sarah Dewen
Age: 19
Location: Melbourne
Question: I've been friends with this guy for about 3 years now. When we first met, we were pretty into each other - I told him that I liked him, and he said that he liked me as well, but that he was in love with his ex - also, he thought I was too innocent, and said that if he ever did anything to hurt me, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself so we never went out. I'm still in love with him, I'm always thinking about him, but I know he's moved on. I just don't know what to do anymore
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what to tell you other than you have to move on as well. But the thing is, there's nothing wrong with you still thinking about him as you date other guys. Many of us retain fond memories of the first person we fell in love with, even as we move on to fall in love with others. This guy represents your awakening as far as romance is concerned, and it will always be special.
I say cherish the memory instead of trying to toss it aside, and start working on new memories. You will fall in love again, in a more mature way, with some other guy, someday.
He was a former special forces marine
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: nikki
Age: 26
Location: los angeles
Question: Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. I met his man online a year and 3 months ago, and we totally hit it off. Here's his backstory:
He was a former special forces marine, a real tough guy (he used to say "pain is weakness leaving the body")and was all about appearing strong and unaffected by anything. He was in combat and I suspected that he had PTSD (he would be super affectionate for days and then not call for a few days, even when we were serious.)
Everything was going great, he asked me to be his girlfriend 3 months in, said "I love you" shortly after, seeing each other almost every night, and talking everyday on the phone. And then 5 months in, he got laid off from work. He was a workaholic, and work was his life's pride. He eventually went through his savings, lost his car, his house, and had to move back home to Virginia with his parents. he tried to break up with me, but when I told him I was willing to make it work, he said okay, and that he loved me and I was the 'One' and he couldn't believe I would stay with him even though he had nothing. Before he was laid off, sometimes he wouldn't call me or text me that day, and I would always call him first and ask him to not ignore me, and he would apologize and be sweet, but he would frequently do it again.
He always hated being in virginia and wanted to get back to Los Angeles as soon as possible, because he knows he wants to live here more than anything (he kept calling virginia a 'shithole'.)
We did long distance for 6 more months, made promises that we would see each other once a month. He visited me twice, and I went to Virginia to meet his family, and everything went great. We were very in love. He would call me everyday, text me "thinking about you" once a day, and told me he loved me. He had been cheated on in a previous relationship, and it really hurt him, so he had trust issues. He never admitted it, because he never wanted to appear weak, but he sometimes would ask me and suspect things. I would reassure him that he was the love of my life and distance meant nothing, and that he would move back and we would be together, and that I would never ever cheat on him, because he was the only man I wanted. I helped him write a resume to find a better job in Virginia, which he did, and I encouraged him to join facebook and start socializing, so he wouldn't be so unhappy there. He sometimes would be an asshole, but he would apologize and I would forgive him because I knew how stressed and unhappy he was. He sometimes would ask me "why are you with me? I've been a dick to you!" But I always told him I could forgive him.
The last three months being there, he got promoted at his new job and had to work long hours, and started to say that he couldn't visit me or make time for me to come visit him. I kept asking and he kept saying he would try, but that he was just so busy with work. It led to a lot of arguments, and we both tried to break up with each other a few times because he or I was fed up, then we would get back together. The last month he stopped calling me as often, texting me, getting back to me when I called him, and I had to contact him more. He claimed he didn't have time to talk, and he hated talking about relationship stuff, and then he said he just wanted to keep things casual. I kept telling him that I loved him and I wanted to make it work, so he would try, and sometimes he would be very sweet, and sometimes he would be very cold. We agreed to break-up but keep talking, like every other day for about an hour or two.
He started adding a lot of old friends from Virginia on facebook, but they were all married with kids so I never felt jealous. About two weeks ago he stopped calling and texting all-together, and I kept calling him about once a day to keep the communication going. He would always answer and talk to me for a while, and be affectionate, saying he missed me, but he would never initiate the contact.
He said he felt like he just wanted to be alone, and he couldn't explain why, but he just didn't want to talk everyday, but stay in touch with an email or a text every couple of weeks. He said his career came first and that it wasn't fair to me. Last week he finally said that he just didn't see this working out and that I should move on. He said that maybe one year from now when he moved back to California, we could consider getting back together, but he wasn't sure.
I was devastated. I asked him if he still had feelings, and he said yes. I asked him if he was still in Los Angeles, would we be together, and he said yes. I said okay, we would just try to be in contact. I would text him or call him 1-2 a week to see how he was doing, and he would always answer back nicely, but briefly.
The other day he defriended me on facebook, and I asked him why, and he said it was on accident, then added me back. I saw that he had just added another girl that looked a lot like me, and even had a similar job (I'm a medical researcher, and he always loved how smart I was, and he said he always wanted someone who was very smart.)
I guess I'm trying to figure out if he really wanted to be alone, and if he still cares about me, or if he just didn't want to be mean and let me off easily. Was he stringing me along the last three months? Had he met someone else there? Did he break up with me because he wanted to see other people? He always told me that he knew he would never ever find someone as amazing as me, both smart and beautiful, so why did he give up on us?
Please help, this is the first time I've been dumped, and he used to tell me he wanted to marry me. We were very serious.
VictorM's advice:
It is quite possible he suffered from PTSD, but frankly, based on what you describe, he sounds just like a typical guy, running hot and cold, specially when it comes to the evil phone and text messages. It's just that guys like to communicate when there's something to say, and go quiet when there's nothing to say.
In any case, he simple ceased being into you. Plain and simple. Why does that happen? Who knows? It just does. The reasons could be major and identifiable, or they could be minor and a mystery. One day you get up in the morning and you just don't feel it anymore. Once a guy reaches that stage, does a guy say that to the girl? No. Why not? In part because he doesn't really know what happened, he doesn't know if it's just a phase, and he doesn't want to burn any bridges prematurely. Instead, the guy becomes too busy with work (or other such excuses). Further, guys hate to make a girl cry and this guy, despite the machismo you described, was also tender. With you having done so much for him, telling you that he was losing interest was painfully difficult (sometimes physical pain is much easier to take then emotional pain). So he kept being busy, in essence giving you hints of where he stood, hints that you didn't take.
Does he care for you? Of course. Was he stringing you along the last 3 months? Yes. Is he in love with you? No, not anymore. You're still smart and beautiful, but that's no longer enough. No matter how much he was into you, things change. And when love ends, even beauty fades (paraphrasing a Spanish song). And once that happens, you can forget everything he says because at this point he'll say anything to get you off the phone without you crying.
By: nikki
Age: 26
Location: los angeles
Question: Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. I met his man online a year and 3 months ago, and we totally hit it off. Here's his backstory:
He was a former special forces marine, a real tough guy (he used to say "pain is weakness leaving the body")and was all about appearing strong and unaffected by anything. He was in combat and I suspected that he had PTSD (he would be super affectionate for days and then not call for a few days, even when we were serious.)
Everything was going great, he asked me to be his girlfriend 3 months in, said "I love you" shortly after, seeing each other almost every night, and talking everyday on the phone. And then 5 months in, he got laid off from work. He was a workaholic, and work was his life's pride. He eventually went through his savings, lost his car, his house, and had to move back home to Virginia with his parents. he tried to break up with me, but when I told him I was willing to make it work, he said okay, and that he loved me and I was the 'One' and he couldn't believe I would stay with him even though he had nothing. Before he was laid off, sometimes he wouldn't call me or text me that day, and I would always call him first and ask him to not ignore me, and he would apologize and be sweet, but he would frequently do it again.
He always hated being in virginia and wanted to get back to Los Angeles as soon as possible, because he knows he wants to live here more than anything (he kept calling virginia a 'shithole'.)
We did long distance for 6 more months, made promises that we would see each other once a month. He visited me twice, and I went to Virginia to meet his family, and everything went great. We were very in love. He would call me everyday, text me "thinking about you" once a day, and told me he loved me. He had been cheated on in a previous relationship, and it really hurt him, so he had trust issues. He never admitted it, because he never wanted to appear weak, but he sometimes would ask me and suspect things. I would reassure him that he was the love of my life and distance meant nothing, and that he would move back and we would be together, and that I would never ever cheat on him, because he was the only man I wanted. I helped him write a resume to find a better job in Virginia, which he did, and I encouraged him to join facebook and start socializing, so he wouldn't be so unhappy there. He sometimes would be an asshole, but he would apologize and I would forgive him because I knew how stressed and unhappy he was. He sometimes would ask me "why are you with me? I've been a dick to you!" But I always told him I could forgive him.
The last three months being there, he got promoted at his new job and had to work long hours, and started to say that he couldn't visit me or make time for me to come visit him. I kept asking and he kept saying he would try, but that he was just so busy with work. It led to a lot of arguments, and we both tried to break up with each other a few times because he or I was fed up, then we would get back together. The last month he stopped calling me as often, texting me, getting back to me when I called him, and I had to contact him more. He claimed he didn't have time to talk, and he hated talking about relationship stuff, and then he said he just wanted to keep things casual. I kept telling him that I loved him and I wanted to make it work, so he would try, and sometimes he would be very sweet, and sometimes he would be very cold. We agreed to break-up but keep talking, like every other day for about an hour or two.
He started adding a lot of old friends from Virginia on facebook, but they were all married with kids so I never felt jealous. About two weeks ago he stopped calling and texting all-together, and I kept calling him about once a day to keep the communication going. He would always answer and talk to me for a while, and be affectionate, saying he missed me, but he would never initiate the contact.
He said he felt like he just wanted to be alone, and he couldn't explain why, but he just didn't want to talk everyday, but stay in touch with an email or a text every couple of weeks. He said his career came first and that it wasn't fair to me. Last week he finally said that he just didn't see this working out and that I should move on. He said that maybe one year from now when he moved back to California, we could consider getting back together, but he wasn't sure.
I was devastated. I asked him if he still had feelings, and he said yes. I asked him if he was still in Los Angeles, would we be together, and he said yes. I said okay, we would just try to be in contact. I would text him or call him 1-2 a week to see how he was doing, and he would always answer back nicely, but briefly.
The other day he defriended me on facebook, and I asked him why, and he said it was on accident, then added me back. I saw that he had just added another girl that looked a lot like me, and even had a similar job (I'm a medical researcher, and he always loved how smart I was, and he said he always wanted someone who was very smart.)
I guess I'm trying to figure out if he really wanted to be alone, and if he still cares about me, or if he just didn't want to be mean and let me off easily. Was he stringing me along the last three months? Had he met someone else there? Did he break up with me because he wanted to see other people? He always told me that he knew he would never ever find someone as amazing as me, both smart and beautiful, so why did he give up on us?
Please help, this is the first time I've been dumped, and he used to tell me he wanted to marry me. We were very serious.
VictorM's advice:
It is quite possible he suffered from PTSD, but frankly, based on what you describe, he sounds just like a typical guy, running hot and cold, specially when it comes to the evil phone and text messages. It's just that guys like to communicate when there's something to say, and go quiet when there's nothing to say.
In any case, he simple ceased being into you. Plain and simple. Why does that happen? Who knows? It just does. The reasons could be major and identifiable, or they could be minor and a mystery. One day you get up in the morning and you just don't feel it anymore. Once a guy reaches that stage, does a guy say that to the girl? No. Why not? In part because he doesn't really know what happened, he doesn't know if it's just a phase, and he doesn't want to burn any bridges prematurely. Instead, the guy becomes too busy with work (or other such excuses). Further, guys hate to make a girl cry and this guy, despite the machismo you described, was also tender. With you having done so much for him, telling you that he was losing interest was painfully difficult (sometimes physical pain is much easier to take then emotional pain). So he kept being busy, in essence giving you hints of where he stood, hints that you didn't take.
Does he care for you? Of course. Was he stringing you along the last 3 months? Yes. Is he in love with you? No, not anymore. You're still smart and beautiful, but that's no longer enough. No matter how much he was into you, things change. And when love ends, even beauty fades (paraphrasing a Spanish song). And once that happens, you can forget everything he says because at this point he'll say anything to get you off the phone without you crying.
Friday, July 17, 2009
I have had a crush on a guy for 3 years
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: looks_confused
Age: 19
Location: summer of US of A
Question: I have had a crush on a guy for 3 years. During this period of time we were just peers or friends. We never hung out separately or did anything out of the ordinary...if we were in the same area we talked. In the past year both of us have been far away from one another and we have talked online occasionally (usually when we were online at the same time). I got involved with other guys, but I still had feelings for this guy.
This summer we had some good conversations online and I am currently seeing someone else. He knows this and I asked him why he never got into a relationship...he said he hadn't found the right person. In addition, he admitted he was shy in getting to know people.
I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he said sure and we hung out (this was a shocker b/c a year back when I asked him this question he always evaded it). It almost felt like a date because we went to a park and talked...then we went back to his house and I was invited to stay for dinner and a movie...but I left early. All we did was hug.
I talked to him online and he told me that because there are so many factors that go into seeing people (he doesn't have a car, lives kinda far, is usually busy) he is lazy with initiating hanging out. I told him I didn't mind initiating hanging out if he wanted to actually do something time to time.
He isn't the social type as he goes to Harvard and doesn't seem to have many friends. He told me he was going to make a greater effort to be social with other people. So I do not know if there is a chance he likes be or if he's just trying to be social.
I just want his viewpoint and how he is seeing things. Victor, as a guy what is my crush's viewpoint on me?
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no use for female friends unless there is some ulterior motive. He's clearly scoping you out with some interest. But during this process, he may appear aloof and not interested at times. That's because guys hate to be accused of sending the wrong signals while at the same time they hate to feel committed. As I always say, girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. And so guys like to be much more careful about taking that step.
I can't tell you what he will eventually think of you, but it's clearly he's trying you on for size.
By: looks_confused
Age: 19
Location: summer of US of A
Question: I have had a crush on a guy for 3 years. During this period of time we were just peers or friends. We never hung out separately or did anything out of the ordinary...if we were in the same area we talked. In the past year both of us have been far away from one another and we have talked online occasionally (usually when we were online at the same time). I got involved with other guys, but I still had feelings for this guy.
This summer we had some good conversations online and I am currently seeing someone else. He knows this and I asked him why he never got into a relationship...he said he hadn't found the right person. In addition, he admitted he was shy in getting to know people.
I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he said sure and we hung out (this was a shocker b/c a year back when I asked him this question he always evaded it). It almost felt like a date because we went to a park and talked...then we went back to his house and I was invited to stay for dinner and a movie...but I left early. All we did was hug.
I talked to him online and he told me that because there are so many factors that go into seeing people (he doesn't have a car, lives kinda far, is usually busy) he is lazy with initiating hanging out. I told him I didn't mind initiating hanging out if he wanted to actually do something time to time.
He isn't the social type as he goes to Harvard and doesn't seem to have many friends. He told me he was going to make a greater effort to be social with other people. So I do not know if there is a chance he likes be or if he's just trying to be social.
I just want his viewpoint and how he is seeing things. Victor, as a guy what is my crush's viewpoint on me?
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no use for female friends unless there is some ulterior motive. He's clearly scoping you out with some interest. But during this process, he may appear aloof and not interested at times. That's because guys hate to be accused of sending the wrong signals while at the same time they hate to feel committed. As I always say, girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. And so guys like to be much more careful about taking that step.
I can't tell you what he will eventually think of you, but it's clearly he's trying you on for size.
He tells me he loves me non stop
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: becka
Age: 16
Location: massachusetts
Question: okay my friend zack always acts like he has a crush on me or something. He tells me he loves me non stop. And he says always the rite thing, but i can't figure out why can't just like him. so how do i tell him to back off with out hurting him? thank you soo much..
Reading the others has been so hopeful. and if it isn't to much trouble any ideas to get back my x?
VictorM's advice:
Your ex is your ex for a reason. If it didn't work out before, chances are it wouldn't work out now. Why bang your head against that wall again?
You don't need a reason not to like Zack. You don't. And that's enough.
You need to learn that you can't control what other people get hurt by. What you owe your friends and loved ones is balanced truth (that is, truth without rudeness). How they react is beyond your control. So you need to tell Zack, as kindly as possible that he needs to back off because he's overwhelming you with his attention and that makes you uncomfortable. Say it as direct and as short as I said it above, even if you prefer other words. How he reacts is not your responsibility. If he gets hurt, well, he gets hurt. He'll survive. Besides, every boy his age needs to learn to be stomped like a grape -- it prepares him for married life! :-p
By: becka
Age: 16
Location: massachusetts
Question: okay my friend zack always acts like he has a crush on me or something. He tells me he loves me non stop. And he says always the rite thing, but i can't figure out why can't just like him. so how do i tell him to back off with out hurting him? thank you soo much..
Reading the others has been so hopeful. and if it isn't to much trouble any ideas to get back my x?
VictorM's advice:
Your ex is your ex for a reason. If it didn't work out before, chances are it wouldn't work out now. Why bang your head against that wall again?
You don't need a reason not to like Zack. You don't. And that's enough.
You need to learn that you can't control what other people get hurt by. What you owe your friends and loved ones is balanced truth (that is, truth without rudeness). How they react is beyond your control. So you need to tell Zack, as kindly as possible that he needs to back off because he's overwhelming you with his attention and that makes you uncomfortable. Say it as direct and as short as I said it above, even if you prefer other words. How he reacts is not your responsibility. If he gets hurt, well, he gets hurt. He'll survive. Besides, every boy his age needs to learn to be stomped like a grape -- it prepares him for married life! :-p
Chelsea is baaaaaaack!
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: Chelsea
Age: 17
Location: Kentucky
Question: Hey Victor,
I'm baaaaaack! Well, not with anything new on the boyfriend front... especially concerning Jon. My summer has been pretty good, how about yourself, BTW? I know you probably don't hear from people on here asking about YOU, but I just did, so kudos to me! ;]
Anyways, I came here with a few questions about guys and relationships in general. Which include the following;
Is there truly a guy who does not care what his girlfriend looks like? Because I know two or three guys who claim that they are not shallow in the least bit. I somehow don't believe that.
And what about crushes from the male perspective? Can you have an attraction to a girl, and like her, even though you don't particularly like what she looks like? There always has to be a physical attraction, right?
Are there guys out there who will reject a date out of anxiety? Well, if there is, Jon is one of them for sure...
VictorM's advice:
How nice of you to ask... I'm spending my summer (until October 17) in Portugal and I'm having a great summer. Good to know you're doing well too.
As you can see, I trimmed your submissions a lot. I loved reading it and love how you write, but a lot of it may be of little interest to the typical visitor, particular those who have not followed your exciting adventures. :) For that reason, I'm going to invite you to join our forum, where we can trade Personal Messages (in private), or you can post your questions in the open forum. Your choice. This way I can get back to you on some of your questions about Jon.
As for your questions that I included above...
Looks... I believe every guy needs to find the other person pleasantly attractive. That may change from guy to guy, and in some cases, a girl may grow on a guy over time, but I believe some guys wouldn't be caught dead with a girl who wouldn't look a certain way while there are guys who are less demanding. But what they say isn't exactly how they think. So you never really know.
Crushes... I do believe that there are some girls who may not initially catch a guy's attention purely on looks, but her personality, after they get to know her, makes her look beautiful in their eyes.
But here I must point out that we all have "dating parameters." For most people, it means being attracted to people generally like ourselves (with some exceptions). And so a girl needs to fit within a guy's general dating parameters for him to be attracted to her.
Anxiety... totally! In many instances a guy will turn down a date because of pressure.
By: Chelsea
Age: 17
Location: Kentucky
Question: Hey Victor,
I'm baaaaaack! Well, not with anything new on the boyfriend front... especially concerning Jon. My summer has been pretty good, how about yourself, BTW? I know you probably don't hear from people on here asking about YOU, but I just did, so kudos to me! ;]
Anyways, I came here with a few questions about guys and relationships in general. Which include the following;
Is there truly a guy who does not care what his girlfriend looks like? Because I know two or three guys who claim that they are not shallow in the least bit. I somehow don't believe that.
And what about crushes from the male perspective? Can you have an attraction to a girl, and like her, even though you don't particularly like what she looks like? There always has to be a physical attraction, right?
Are there guys out there who will reject a date out of anxiety? Well, if there is, Jon is one of them for sure...
VictorM's advice:
How nice of you to ask... I'm spending my summer (until October 17) in Portugal and I'm having a great summer. Good to know you're doing well too.
As you can see, I trimmed your submissions a lot. I loved reading it and love how you write, but a lot of it may be of little interest to the typical visitor, particular those who have not followed your exciting adventures. :) For that reason, I'm going to invite you to join our forum, where we can trade Personal Messages (in private), or you can post your questions in the open forum. Your choice. This way I can get back to you on some of your questions about Jon.
As for your questions that I included above...
Looks... I believe every guy needs to find the other person pleasantly attractive. That may change from guy to guy, and in some cases, a girl may grow on a guy over time, but I believe some guys wouldn't be caught dead with a girl who wouldn't look a certain way while there are guys who are less demanding. But what they say isn't exactly how they think. So you never really know.
Crushes... I do believe that there are some girls who may not initially catch a guy's attention purely on looks, but her personality, after they get to know her, makes her look beautiful in their eyes.
But here I must point out that we all have "dating parameters." For most people, it means being attracted to people generally like ourselves (with some exceptions). And so a girl needs to fit within a guy's general dating parameters for him to be attracted to her.
Anxiety... totally! In many instances a guy will turn down a date because of pressure.
Why won't he meet up with me?
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: Alice
Age: 17
Location: scotland
Question: Why won't he meet up with me?
We've been really good friends for 6 months, at the beginning, we were obsessed with each other and both really 'like liked' each other. Then he stopped like liking me for some reason he's never told me. I still really like him but after that he only wanted to be friends. So we stayed good friends and now recently he's been saying that he can't stop thinking about me and how much he likes me and stuff.. does this mean he's realized he likes me again...? But i'm thinking that if he did really like me, he'd want to meet up, right? But i'm not sure cos i know he's shy...
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he "like likes" other girls as well and he can't be tied down to just one.
By: Alice
Age: 17
Location: scotland
Question: Why won't he meet up with me?
We've been really good friends for 6 months, at the beginning, we were obsessed with each other and both really 'like liked' each other. Then he stopped like liking me for some reason he's never told me. I still really like him but after that he only wanted to be friends. So we stayed good friends and now recently he's been saying that he can't stop thinking about me and how much he likes me and stuff.. does this mean he's realized he likes me again...? But i'm thinking that if he did really like me, he'd want to meet up, right? But i'm not sure cos i know he's shy...
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he "like likes" other girls as well and he can't be tied down to just one.
I want to move forward and get engaged
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: Mary
Age: 22
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Question: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. I love him a lot and he's an amazing guy. At this point in our relationship i feel like i want to move forward and get engaged. The thing is he doesn't feel like its time yet. He says he wants to move in together first and see how that works out. I'm scared to move in with him because i don't want him to feel like after that happens we don't have to get married and move to the next step. We spoke about this a few times and every time he says if there wasn't a future between us i wouldn't be with you right now, and that's all he says. What do i do in this situation?
VictorM's advice:
You're pretty young and I can understand him not feeling ready yet. Moving in together sounds to him like a good compromise between what you want (move forward) and what he wants (not ready yet).
I can't tell you what to do but you might want to share this article with him.
By: Mary
Age: 22
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Question: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. I love him a lot and he's an amazing guy. At this point in our relationship i feel like i want to move forward and get engaged. The thing is he doesn't feel like its time yet. He says he wants to move in together first and see how that works out. I'm scared to move in with him because i don't want him to feel like after that happens we don't have to get married and move to the next step. We spoke about this a few times and every time he says if there wasn't a future between us i wouldn't be with you right now, and that's all he says. What do i do in this situation?
VictorM's advice:
You're pretty young and I can understand him not feeling ready yet. Moving in together sounds to him like a good compromise between what you want (move forward) and what he wants (not ready yet).
I can't tell you what to do but you might want to share this article with him.
We are very in love
Submitted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009
By: GG
Age: 26
Location: scotland
Question: I have been seeing by boyfriend for one and a half years, we knew each other a year before we got together. We are very in love, we have great sex and he is the sweetest guy ive ever known, he has been asking me to marry him for ages and said he's put a deposit on a ring that will be paid in two years, to get engaged, we had a pregnancy scare and I was actually excited about being a family, he wants us to grow old together and so do I. Last year early on in the relationship, a girl was phoning him late at night, so I asked him what was going on with this girl because I saw he was looking at her social networking profile on the computer, He said his friend had an affair with her and thats why she was calling, to speak to his friend. I believed him but I noticed something about what he had wrote on her page recently that annoyed me because it was a lie, I tried to add her, she declined and I think she may have told him because the last few nights hes went away to bed straight after work. It bugged me when I woke up the next day so I looked at his phone which I never do because our relationship is based on trust, he had her number, I was shocked so I changed it for my old number because I read about doing that somewhere years ago. Oh dear me, now I'm I'll, I feel sick i'm so upset! please can you suggest what I should do if he txts thinking i'm her? I haven't thought this through have I? I don't want it to end like this but I would never trust him again if he was cheating even though I love him so much.
VictorM's advice:
How you want it to end has nothing to do with what he's up to. He has giving you enough reason to be suspicious and that, by itself, is enough to rip the whole trust issue apart. You're taking it to the next level by doing something sneaky that denotes lack of trust. The truth of the matter is that no matter what he's really up to, your base of trust is already shattered. If it turns out his contact with her is innocent, he has a reason not to trust you. If he's up to no good, you have a strong reason to distrust him.
To answer your question, probably the sensible thing for me to tell you is to change the phone number back and not play these games. But, on the other hand, I know how difficult it is not to know the truth when suspicion is in the air. I have been in a similar situation and I went the sneaky way because I felt the evidence was too overwhelming to ignore. Turned out I was right and my world was turned upside down. I survived, and so will you.
Of course you can always hope, as I did many years ago, that you are wrong. But given the information you supplied, I'd bet my NY Red Bulls season tickets on him being up to no good and your instincts being right. Just one word of caution: if you've come this far, and you decide to stick with this plan, make sure that whatever communication happens between you (as this other girl) and him leaves no doubt as to his intentions.
One other thing for you to consider: there's a good chance that you will forgive him even if you catch him doing something wrong. The odds that he'll forgive you for your sneaky phone maneuver, whether he's lying or not, are a lot lower.
By: GG
Age: 26
Location: scotland
Question: I have been seeing by boyfriend for one and a half years, we knew each other a year before we got together. We are very in love, we have great sex and he is the sweetest guy ive ever known, he has been asking me to marry him for ages and said he's put a deposit on a ring that will be paid in two years, to get engaged, we had a pregnancy scare and I was actually excited about being a family, he wants us to grow old together and so do I. Last year early on in the relationship, a girl was phoning him late at night, so I asked him what was going on with this girl because I saw he was looking at her social networking profile on the computer, He said his friend had an affair with her and thats why she was calling, to speak to his friend. I believed him but I noticed something about what he had wrote on her page recently that annoyed me because it was a lie, I tried to add her, she declined and I think she may have told him because the last few nights hes went away to bed straight after work. It bugged me when I woke up the next day so I looked at his phone which I never do because our relationship is based on trust, he had her number, I was shocked so I changed it for my old number because I read about doing that somewhere years ago. Oh dear me, now I'm I'll, I feel sick i'm so upset! please can you suggest what I should do if he txts thinking i'm her? I haven't thought this through have I? I don't want it to end like this but I would never trust him again if he was cheating even though I love him so much.
VictorM's advice:
How you want it to end has nothing to do with what he's up to. He has giving you enough reason to be suspicious and that, by itself, is enough to rip the whole trust issue apart. You're taking it to the next level by doing something sneaky that denotes lack of trust. The truth of the matter is that no matter what he's really up to, your base of trust is already shattered. If it turns out his contact with her is innocent, he has a reason not to trust you. If he's up to no good, you have a strong reason to distrust him.
To answer your question, probably the sensible thing for me to tell you is to change the phone number back and not play these games. But, on the other hand, I know how difficult it is not to know the truth when suspicion is in the air. I have been in a similar situation and I went the sneaky way because I felt the evidence was too overwhelming to ignore. Turned out I was right and my world was turned upside down. I survived, and so will you.
Of course you can always hope, as I did many years ago, that you are wrong. But given the information you supplied, I'd bet my NY Red Bulls season tickets on him being up to no good and your instincts being right. Just one word of caution: if you've come this far, and you decide to stick with this plan, make sure that whatever communication happens between you (as this other girl) and him leaves no doubt as to his intentions.
One other thing for you to consider: there's a good chance that you will forgive him even if you catch him doing something wrong. The odds that he'll forgive you for your sneaky phone maneuver, whether he's lying or not, are a lot lower.
I look so much like his first girlfriend
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: BRITTANY
Age: 17
Location: CALIFORNIA
Question: Okay so i met this guy at my high schools graduation about 3 weeks ago. There was a party a his friends house so my friend invited me to go and i did. so when i got there this guy started to hit on me. However my friend was telling me that all the things he told me he told all the same things to my other friend the night before so i was like omg. The thing is he ended up asking me for my number. and i gave it to him. He did hit me up only like once and after that we didn't talk again. Now i see him on friday at another party at the same house. and well he starts calling me his girlfriend and all this other stuff. and then like he keeps telling me that he likes me and i look so much like his first girlfriend. and every time he talks to me he gets serious and pays attention only to me. However, i can see him trying to talk to other girls at the same time, at the same party. so is he serious with me or is he just a player?
VictorM's advice:
So obvious he's just having summer fun. And who better to have fun than attractive girls? Just getting your attention or your phone number is cause for celebration.
But is he a player? I don't think so. Any guy that uses the line "you look so much like my first girlfriend" as a pick up line can't possibly qualify as a player. He's more like a kid in a candy store... and you're just candy.
By: BRITTANY
Age: 17
Location: CALIFORNIA
Question: Okay so i met this guy at my high schools graduation about 3 weeks ago. There was a party a his friends house so my friend invited me to go and i did. so when i got there this guy started to hit on me. However my friend was telling me that all the things he told me he told all the same things to my other friend the night before so i was like omg. The thing is he ended up asking me for my number. and i gave it to him. He did hit me up only like once and after that we didn't talk again. Now i see him on friday at another party at the same house. and well he starts calling me his girlfriend and all this other stuff. and then like he keeps telling me that he likes me and i look so much like his first girlfriend. and every time he talks to me he gets serious and pays attention only to me. However, i can see him trying to talk to other girls at the same time, at the same party. so is he serious with me or is he just a player?
VictorM's advice:
So obvious he's just having summer fun. And who better to have fun than attractive girls? Just getting your attention or your phone number is cause for celebration.
But is he a player? I don't think so. Any guy that uses the line "you look so much like my first girlfriend" as a pick up line can't possibly qualify as a player. He's more like a kid in a candy store... and you're just candy.
He starts acting like a boyfriend
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: Katie
Age: 24
Location: FL
Question: Me and my boyfriend dated for 4 months but decided we were more of friends. A few months later he starts acting like a boyfriend like talking to me more sweetly and saying he really loves me but only when we are alone. Sometimes he talks to other girls but he treats them as friends and treats me more than a friend. Does he want to get back together or stay friends? Also he's the shy kind of guy when it comes to just being him and me alone.
VictorM's advice:
He might want to get back together, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. It's possible that without the responsibilities of being a boyfriend he feels more comfortable showing his affection for you. In essence, earlier it was an obligation, now it comes naturally. Any change in the equation might upset the balance.
But it's also possible that he's growing closer to you.
You'll just have to wait and see.
By: Katie
Age: 24
Location: FL
Question: Me and my boyfriend dated for 4 months but decided we were more of friends. A few months later he starts acting like a boyfriend like talking to me more sweetly and saying he really loves me but only when we are alone. Sometimes he talks to other girls but he treats them as friends and treats me more than a friend. Does he want to get back together or stay friends? Also he's the shy kind of guy when it comes to just being him and me alone.
VictorM's advice:
He might want to get back together, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. It's possible that without the responsibilities of being a boyfriend he feels more comfortable showing his affection for you. In essence, earlier it was an obligation, now it comes naturally. Any change in the equation might upset the balance.
But it's also possible that he's growing closer to you.
You'll just have to wait and see.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Met on Match
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: Dennehym3
Age: 43
Location: NYC
Question: Long story short. Met on Match. Great conversaton on phone...great first date. Some drinks and 2 hours of conversation. Asked me that night if we could get together again...txted me same night to say he had fun...Great second date. Same drill/asked for next date that night, email the next day. 3rd date was good. Dinner, drinks after and I went to his apt. Didn't want things to move to fast but then they did and I was up for it. No sex but got naked and fooled around. Now, not a word. I sent him a hi..looking fwd to seeing you txt about 5 days later when I got back from holiday weekend. Not a word since. Why? Some people say I should call...I really don't know what to do. Honestly, I thought he was pretty into me. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
"Was" is the operative word.
I have used match.com often and I suspect this guy is no different than most. This is how it basically works from a male's point of view: we sign up for a fee for a certain duration. During that period of time, we want to get our money's worth. We check several profiles and contact a few, knowing that we'll get some rejections. We have no problem whatsoever dating several women at the same time because dates carry with them no obligations of commitment. With each and every date we are in our best behavior, being polite and flirty with the woman, provided we have some interest in her. It always takes a few dates to get a better feel for that person. Eventually, we gravitate towards one or towards any new profile that comes along.
In your case, he gave you all his attention during those 3 days, he probably was looking at other prospects all along, and eventually has decided that he will move on, for whatever reason.
He made no promises and therefore he doesn't feel he has any other obligations to you.
You could give him a call if you like. It really isn't going to change anything. You just need to learn the way men view online dating and that being attentive and flirty with you does not make you special -- we're brought up to be that way with members of the opposite sex.
By: Dennehym3
Age: 43
Location: NYC
Question: Long story short. Met on Match. Great conversaton on phone...great first date. Some drinks and 2 hours of conversation. Asked me that night if we could get together again...txted me same night to say he had fun...Great second date. Same drill/asked for next date that night, email the next day. 3rd date was good. Dinner, drinks after and I went to his apt. Didn't want things to move to fast but then they did and I was up for it. No sex but got naked and fooled around. Now, not a word. I sent him a hi..looking fwd to seeing you txt about 5 days later when I got back from holiday weekend. Not a word since. Why? Some people say I should call...I really don't know what to do. Honestly, I thought he was pretty into me. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
"Was" is the operative word.
I have used match.com often and I suspect this guy is no different than most. This is how it basically works from a male's point of view: we sign up for a fee for a certain duration. During that period of time, we want to get our money's worth. We check several profiles and contact a few, knowing that we'll get some rejections. We have no problem whatsoever dating several women at the same time because dates carry with them no obligations of commitment. With each and every date we are in our best behavior, being polite and flirty with the woman, provided we have some interest in her. It always takes a few dates to get a better feel for that person. Eventually, we gravitate towards one or towards any new profile that comes along.
In your case, he gave you all his attention during those 3 days, he probably was looking at other prospects all along, and eventually has decided that he will move on, for whatever reason.
He made no promises and therefore he doesn't feel he has any other obligations to you.
You could give him a call if you like. It really isn't going to change anything. You just need to learn the way men view online dating and that being attentive and flirty with you does not make you special -- we're brought up to be that way with members of the opposite sex.
I'm puzzled by a good friend's new relationship
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: Cee
Age: 62
Location: Georgia
Question: I'm writing as I'm puzzled by a good friend's new relationship. He is early 70s, she is mid 60s, met online then in person - his grooming was lacking but he has been working on it. He helps out in a few ways financially, nothing major, but they have been in constant company for nearly 4 weeks now, after JUST meeting recently. Two weeks at his place, 2 weeks at hers; he calls her his wife and says that when people are committed to each other for life, they should be together! Uh, hello... she says it is a bit trying - so much togetherness. I could never be so stifled. Do you see this as being about control or something else? e.g., too needy or not trusting of each other. They live about 80 miles apart.
VictorM's advice:
I see it more as an onset of passion. And when you're 70 years old, you don't want to miss a minute of it.
Maybe it won't last. So what? It's fun while it does.
I say good for him.
By: Cee
Age: 62
Location: Georgia
Question: I'm writing as I'm puzzled by a good friend's new relationship. He is early 70s, she is mid 60s, met online then in person - his grooming was lacking but he has been working on it. He helps out in a few ways financially, nothing major, but they have been in constant company for nearly 4 weeks now, after JUST meeting recently. Two weeks at his place, 2 weeks at hers; he calls her his wife and says that when people are committed to each other for life, they should be together! Uh, hello... she says it is a bit trying - so much togetherness. I could never be so stifled. Do you see this as being about control or something else? e.g., too needy or not trusting of each other. They live about 80 miles apart.
VictorM's advice:
I see it more as an onset of passion. And when you're 70 years old, you don't want to miss a minute of it.
Maybe it won't last. So what? It's fun while it does.
I say good for him.
We recently kissed
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: mandy rae
Age: 18
Location: scotland
Question: hey, a recently met this guy who just got out of a a 2 year, on and off relationship. He talks to me a lot, and says little comments that makes me think he likes me. He does things for me that he wouldn't normally do for some of his friends, and we recently kissed, but now he's saying it was just a one off, because he just got out of that relationship..... but 2 weeks ago he slept with a girl, before he met me.
VictorM's advice:
What does him having slept with a girl have to do with anything? Guys will have sex with girls they don't even like if the opportunity strikes. It's that simple.
Talking to you a lot, doing things for you, and seeming to like you doesn't mean that he likes you anymore than anyone else. Maybe he just doesn't want a relationship with you or maybe he would just prefer not to get hooked on anyone for now.
By: mandy rae
Age: 18
Location: scotland
Question: hey, a recently met this guy who just got out of a a 2 year, on and off relationship. He talks to me a lot, and says little comments that makes me think he likes me. He does things for me that he wouldn't normally do for some of his friends, and we recently kissed, but now he's saying it was just a one off, because he just got out of that relationship..... but 2 weeks ago he slept with a girl, before he met me.
VictorM's advice:
What does him having slept with a girl have to do with anything? Guys will have sex with girls they don't even like if the opportunity strikes. It's that simple.
Talking to you a lot, doing things for you, and seeming to like you doesn't mean that he likes you anymore than anyone else. Maybe he just doesn't want a relationship with you or maybe he would just prefer not to get hooked on anyone for now.
Sexy questions
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 17
Location: A place
Question: Do guys like it when u ask them sexy questions on the phone or talk to them sexy?
VictorM's advice:
Yes! All the time, basically. Specially guys around your age. Oh well, strike that -- guys of all ages like it!
By: Sarah
Age: 17
Location: A place
Question: Do guys like it when u ask them sexy questions on the phone or talk to them sexy?
VictorM's advice:
Yes! All the time, basically. Specially guys around your age. Oh well, strike that -- guys of all ages like it!
This One
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: confused
Age: 42
Location: usa
Question: Victor, love your advise/site! I was wondering what your take is on the following.
I have dating a man for 2 1/2 years. We have had our share of issues along the way. Main issues being I felt drained doing most of the giving, not feeling like the relationship was going anywhere, feeling unbalanced mostly.
Anyway, had a conversation with him a couple weeks ago. I had asked him where he saw our relationship going, if anywhere at all. He mentioned that our situation could not be one of living paycheck to paycheck. He said, lets see where things are at a year from now. Then (for me) the kicker comment. He said, "devotion to me is what I have been missing"..so I questioned that comment and he stated, "from my past relationships..to me devotion is most of it and you are devoted to me. That's why I like this one so much." THIS ONE? He referred to our relationship as, this one? WTF does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
I think he meant "this one" to mean your current relationship as opposed to other he has had in the past.
The danger I see here is that he's carrying baggage from some prior relationship. To some extent we all do, but when we look for a future partner to erase the wounds caused by a previous partner, it quite often leads to very unhealthy situations.
Wanting devotion sounds to me like another red flag that he's too wounded to be in a healthy relationship. It's one thing for one person to feel devoted to the other, but for it to be expected from a partner? It signals potential problems with friendships, coworkers, and activities you may not share with him. People who want devotion from another are most likely to want all of their partner's energies directed at them. And that only spells disaster.
I would be curious to find out what other issues you have had with him. If you feel like sharing, I'm all ears.
By: confused
Age: 42
Location: usa
Question: Victor, love your advise/site! I was wondering what your take is on the following.
I have dating a man for 2 1/2 years. We have had our share of issues along the way. Main issues being I felt drained doing most of the giving, not feeling like the relationship was going anywhere, feeling unbalanced mostly.
Anyway, had a conversation with him a couple weeks ago. I had asked him where he saw our relationship going, if anywhere at all. He mentioned that our situation could not be one of living paycheck to paycheck. He said, lets see where things are at a year from now. Then (for me) the kicker comment. He said, "devotion to me is what I have been missing"..so I questioned that comment and he stated, "from my past relationships..to me devotion is most of it and you are devoted to me. That's why I like this one so much." THIS ONE? He referred to our relationship as, this one? WTF does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
I think he meant "this one" to mean your current relationship as opposed to other he has had in the past.
The danger I see here is that he's carrying baggage from some prior relationship. To some extent we all do, but when we look for a future partner to erase the wounds caused by a previous partner, it quite often leads to very unhealthy situations.
Wanting devotion sounds to me like another red flag that he's too wounded to be in a healthy relationship. It's one thing for one person to feel devoted to the other, but for it to be expected from a partner? It signals potential problems with friendships, coworkers, and activities you may not share with him. People who want devotion from another are most likely to want all of their partner's energies directed at them. And that only spells disaster.
I would be curious to find out what other issues you have had with him. If you feel like sharing, I'm all ears.
Hot & Cold
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: Jen
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: Hot & Cold
Ok, so I've known this guy I work with for about a year and we've become friends. We sometimes hang outside of work with other cowokers and we have a lot of fun at work. There's always been an attraction between us, but in the past month we've crossed the line between friendly co-worker banter to something more. He visits me on lunch breaks, shares his food, holds my hand, insists on hugging me goodbye etc.
I like him and I sure don't mind, so when he kept going on about this movie we both wanted to see, I casually asked him to go with me. It wasn't a specific date invitation, just a way for us to do something together alone outside of work. He agreed and we said we'd figure out a day to go, which we haven't done yet since the movie comes out this week.
Things seemed normal until I saw him Monday at work- he was distant all of a sudden, not mean or anything, but he's stopped flirting completely and even the teasing banter we've had as friends wasn't there. He was joking with the guys at work and didn't seem upset so I feel like he's just acting weird with me.
What's the deal? Why is a guy who's been acting like he wants to date me shying away from me now that I asked him to hang out with me?
VictorM's advice:
He's not shying away from you. He simply has changed modes of operation. Before the movie invite he was in the mode of catching your attention and making you notice him. Now that you have invited him to the movie, he thinks that he has been successful and so he's moved on to the next mode. In this new mode he no longer has to work at getting your attention because he's already gotten it.
What's next? He could very well lose interest in you or it's possible that the attention you were getting at work you'll still get it, but only away from work.
Could he go totally cold on you, both at work and away from work? Yes. Here's why I say this: by initiating the movie invitation you didn't allow him to complete his conquest of you. You, in essence, are no longer a challenge, and that's what you have been all along and what fueled all the attention he was giving you.
Just go to the movies with him (if that even happens -- it might not) and see how it goes. If he is very attentive, then maybe he just doesn't feel like being obvious at work anymore; if he's not that attentive, you're about to find out why so many people shun work relationships.
By: Jen
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: Hot & Cold
Ok, so I've known this guy I work with for about a year and we've become friends. We sometimes hang outside of work with other cowokers and we have a lot of fun at work. There's always been an attraction between us, but in the past month we've crossed the line between friendly co-worker banter to something more. He visits me on lunch breaks, shares his food, holds my hand, insists on hugging me goodbye etc.
I like him and I sure don't mind, so when he kept going on about this movie we both wanted to see, I casually asked him to go with me. It wasn't a specific date invitation, just a way for us to do something together alone outside of work. He agreed and we said we'd figure out a day to go, which we haven't done yet since the movie comes out this week.
Things seemed normal until I saw him Monday at work- he was distant all of a sudden, not mean or anything, but he's stopped flirting completely and even the teasing banter we've had as friends wasn't there. He was joking with the guys at work and didn't seem upset so I feel like he's just acting weird with me.
What's the deal? Why is a guy who's been acting like he wants to date me shying away from me now that I asked him to hang out with me?
VictorM's advice:
He's not shying away from you. He simply has changed modes of operation. Before the movie invite he was in the mode of catching your attention and making you notice him. Now that you have invited him to the movie, he thinks that he has been successful and so he's moved on to the next mode. In this new mode he no longer has to work at getting your attention because he's already gotten it.
What's next? He could very well lose interest in you or it's possible that the attention you were getting at work you'll still get it, but only away from work.
Could he go totally cold on you, both at work and away from work? Yes. Here's why I say this: by initiating the movie invitation you didn't allow him to complete his conquest of you. You, in essence, are no longer a challenge, and that's what you have been all along and what fueled all the attention he was giving you.
Just go to the movies with him (if that even happens -- it might not) and see how it goes. If he is very attentive, then maybe he just doesn't feel like being obvious at work anymore; if he's not that attentive, you're about to find out why so many people shun work relationships.
I'm tired of always having to initiate sex
Submitted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
By: Hollie
Age: 24
Question: Ok. So I've been dating this guy for almost a year now and I'm tired of always having to initiate sex. This is pretty much how it's always been from the beginning. I've told him that it bothers me and that I feel as though he never wants to have sex with me, although I know he enjoys it when we do have sex. I've told him that it makes me feel unwanted and not sexy, but that doesn't seem to change anything. the sex is amazing so why doesn't he want to start anything with me? It makes me feel like the dude in the relationship because I know other guys who have sex way less than they want to and that's how I feel. He's the guy and I feel like I left it up to him to initiate sex, we'd never do it. He's said before that he always initiated it in his past relationships and I've told him that I never did. If he initiated it in past relationships, why doesn't he want to with me? Does he really just not want to have sex with me? He tells me he wants to marry me and start a family and I know that he loves me so what's the deal? Oh, and I sleep naked so it seems like that'd do something for him too...I'm getting to the point where I don't want to initiate it anymore, but I still want to have sex. I'm young, I want to get in all the sex I can! Please tell me something good.
VictorM's advice:
You're tired of initiating sex? Welcome to the world where most males live. :)
I hve to admit that this sounds a little bizarre, but not all that unusual. There could be many reasons for his behavior, so I'll just tackle a couple to illustrate that the world is not as black and white as you might think.
One possibility is that he has always initiated sex with other women under false pretenses, lying or misleading them in order to get it. Either because of this, or because of some other event in his childhood that we know nothing about, he has a negative connotation of sex being initiated by him. It was easy with other women because he didn't see them as the future mother of his children. But with you, who he respects highly, he can't bring himself to be that "dirty."
If this is the case, he could use some professional therapy. Or it may be that merely talking to him about could provoke a self-analysis that could move him from his current position. But if you do talk to him about it, do NOT do it in an accusatory tone. Our minds process information in some bizarre ways and being supportive and nonjudgmental is the best way to get positive results.
Also, do not assume that being naked in bed is an automatic turn on. The sexy lingerie industry is a multi-billion dollar business for a reason: there is something to the removal of clothing from a female that gets a guy's juices flowing. Consider that what you think is sexy may not be what he finds sexy.
I suggest that you try a few different things (besides clothing, how about lighting, time of day, location, etc. etc.) to see if you get better resutls. Trying the same things over and over and expecting different outcomes is insanity.
By: Hollie
Age: 24
Question: Ok. So I've been dating this guy for almost a year now and I'm tired of always having to initiate sex. This is pretty much how it's always been from the beginning. I've told him that it bothers me and that I feel as though he never wants to have sex with me, although I know he enjoys it when we do have sex. I've told him that it makes me feel unwanted and not sexy, but that doesn't seem to change anything. the sex is amazing so why doesn't he want to start anything with me? It makes me feel like the dude in the relationship because I know other guys who have sex way less than they want to and that's how I feel. He's the guy and I feel like I left it up to him to initiate sex, we'd never do it. He's said before that he always initiated it in his past relationships and I've told him that I never did. If he initiated it in past relationships, why doesn't he want to with me? Does he really just not want to have sex with me? He tells me he wants to marry me and start a family and I know that he loves me so what's the deal? Oh, and I sleep naked so it seems like that'd do something for him too...I'm getting to the point where I don't want to initiate it anymore, but I still want to have sex. I'm young, I want to get in all the sex I can! Please tell me something good.
VictorM's advice:
You're tired of initiating sex? Welcome to the world where most males live. :)
I hve to admit that this sounds a little bizarre, but not all that unusual. There could be many reasons for his behavior, so I'll just tackle a couple to illustrate that the world is not as black and white as you might think.
One possibility is that he has always initiated sex with other women under false pretenses, lying or misleading them in order to get it. Either because of this, or because of some other event in his childhood that we know nothing about, he has a negative connotation of sex being initiated by him. It was easy with other women because he didn't see them as the future mother of his children. But with you, who he respects highly, he can't bring himself to be that "dirty."
If this is the case, he could use some professional therapy. Or it may be that merely talking to him about could provoke a self-analysis that could move him from his current position. But if you do talk to him about it, do NOT do it in an accusatory tone. Our minds process information in some bizarre ways and being supportive and nonjudgmental is the best way to get positive results.
Also, do not assume that being naked in bed is an automatic turn on. The sexy lingerie industry is a multi-billion dollar business for a reason: there is something to the removal of clothing from a female that gets a guy's juices flowing. Consider that what you think is sexy may not be what he finds sexy.
I suggest that you try a few different things (besides clothing, how about lighting, time of day, location, etc. etc.) to see if you get better resutls. Trying the same things over and over and expecting different outcomes is insanity.
Is this a date or just a friendly payback?
Submitted on Monday, July 13, 2009
By: andrea
Age: 20
Location: ohio
Question: A co-worker invited me to his house for a party a few months ago. I found out that it was partly for his birthday so I bought him a gift (just a gift card). Anyway, he found out that I recently had my birthday and wants to "go out for a birthday celebration." Does he just feel obligated because I bought him a gift for his birthday or is he just using my birthday as an excuse to go out with me? It is going to be one on one and he even offered to pick me up even though he lives pretty far away because my car is not available for a week, so is this a date or just a friendly payback?
VictorM's advice:
If he's gay it's payback; if he's straight it's a date.
No way a straight guy simply wants to pay you back. He wants to spend time with you and is using the birthday as an excuse.
By: andrea
Age: 20
Location: ohio
Question: A co-worker invited me to his house for a party a few months ago. I found out that it was partly for his birthday so I bought him a gift (just a gift card). Anyway, he found out that I recently had my birthday and wants to "go out for a birthday celebration." Does he just feel obligated because I bought him a gift for his birthday or is he just using my birthday as an excuse to go out with me? It is going to be one on one and he even offered to pick me up even though he lives pretty far away because my car is not available for a week, so is this a date or just a friendly payback?
VictorM's advice:
If he's gay it's payback; if he's straight it's a date.
No way a straight guy simply wants to pay you back. He wants to spend time with you and is using the birthday as an excuse.
Every guy I meet falls into one of two categories
Submitted on Monday, July 13, 2009
By: Elisa
Age: 27
Location: Toronto, CANADA
Question: I have been looking for a casual relationship/friendship for quite some time. Trouble is, every guy I meet falls into one of two categories. 1) He blows me off/doesn't call 2) Wants to get super serious right away. I just got out of a 9 year relationship and am not ready for a serious relationship. At the same time, I don't want to feel cheap and used, or like some guys thinks he is playing some game on me. I just want a decent guy who doesn't think I am a whore, or expect me to fall in love with him. That's it! I expected this to be a lot easier than it has been (come on who would think its easier to get a guy to commit than to be "buddies"?). I just don't get it. My best friend is also in the same predicament....cycling between blow offs and semi-stalkers, when all we want to a friend to have sex with and occasionally hang out/go for drink. Why is this so hard?
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no interest in just being friends with a woman they find even mildly attractive. There is always an ulterior motive for guys to be "friends" with a woman: he's either looking to have sex with her, or looking to see if she is relationship material. If she is, they eventually want a relationship; if she isn't, they bail out.
Think about it, if you are out there dating to find a serious mate or you're looking for sex, why waste time and energy on someone who doesn't share either of those objectives? If a guy just wants a pal to have some beers with, watch sports, or shoot the breeze, another male is a much better friendship match.
Stop aiming for friendship. Just do casual dating. Keep a little black book of guys and call one when the mood strikes you. Basically, I'm saying: behave like a man. :-p
By: Elisa
Age: 27
Location: Toronto, CANADA
Question: I have been looking for a casual relationship/friendship for quite some time. Trouble is, every guy I meet falls into one of two categories. 1) He blows me off/doesn't call 2) Wants to get super serious right away. I just got out of a 9 year relationship and am not ready for a serious relationship. At the same time, I don't want to feel cheap and used, or like some guys thinks he is playing some game on me. I just want a decent guy who doesn't think I am a whore, or expect me to fall in love with him. That's it! I expected this to be a lot easier than it has been (come on who would think its easier to get a guy to commit than to be "buddies"?). I just don't get it. My best friend is also in the same predicament....cycling between blow offs and semi-stalkers, when all we want to a friend to have sex with and occasionally hang out/go for drink. Why is this so hard?
VictorM's advice:
Guys have no interest in just being friends with a woman they find even mildly attractive. There is always an ulterior motive for guys to be "friends" with a woman: he's either looking to have sex with her, or looking to see if she is relationship material. If she is, they eventually want a relationship; if she isn't, they bail out.
Think about it, if you are out there dating to find a serious mate or you're looking for sex, why waste time and energy on someone who doesn't share either of those objectives? If a guy just wants a pal to have some beers with, watch sports, or shoot the breeze, another male is a much better friendship match.
Stop aiming for friendship. Just do casual dating. Keep a little black book of guys and call one when the mood strikes you. Basically, I'm saying: behave like a man. :-p
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
He regrets everything
Submitted on Sunday, July 12, 2009
By: tanya
Age: 23
Location: nh
Question: my boyfriend just broke up with me,broke my heart and is now trying to get back in my life because he regrets everything, but someone from the past entered my life. Is it wrong to hang out with both of them until I decided what to do?
VictorM's advice:
Not only is it not wrong, it's wise that you do.
Be careful about your ex's motives. It's possible that his situation is analogous to a smoker who quit yet yearns to take another puff. It's not that he wants to go back to smoking, it's just that his willpower faces a weak moment. Your boyfriend broke up with you for a reason. He finds himself with a new routine and he hasn't adapted yet. A return to normalcy is appetizing just about now. But it's not likely to stay that way.
By: tanya
Age: 23
Location: nh
Question: my boyfriend just broke up with me,broke my heart and is now trying to get back in my life because he regrets everything, but someone from the past entered my life. Is it wrong to hang out with both of them until I decided what to do?
VictorM's advice:
Not only is it not wrong, it's wise that you do.
Be careful about your ex's motives. It's possible that his situation is analogous to a smoker who quit yet yearns to take another puff. It's not that he wants to go back to smoking, it's just that his willpower faces a weak moment. Your boyfriend broke up with you for a reason. He finds himself with a new routine and he hasn't adapted yet. A return to normalcy is appetizing just about now. But it's not likely to stay that way.
An age issue?
Submitted on Sunday, July 12, 2009
By: Maria
Age: 46
Location: New York, NY
Question: I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who is 55, usually I date younger men so I am finding things quite different. One of the main thing is sex. He is always willing, tells me that he is very attracted to me, he has no problem getting an erection but very rarely ejaculates and when he does it takes a long time. Does this mean he really isn't very attracted to me or is it an age issue?
VictorM's advice:
This has nothing at all to do with how attracted to you he is. Men would screw a washing machine if the hole was about the right size.
Sounds more like it's simply biology. Men, like women, have different trigger points that leads to orgasm. The duration vary greatly from one person to another. And sure, age could be playing a role as well, but it's not by all means the only cause.
It's also possible that anxiety is playing a role. That is, the more he worries about not ejaculating or taking too long to ejaculate, the longer it will take to ejaculate. The mind can be a tricky bastard in that respect.
I would suggest that you not make a big deal about it but also consider some changes. For example, instead of finishing with penetration, give him oral, of a hand job, or even encourage him to masturbate himself. A man's own hand often does the trick.
Also, if you have only recently started having sex with him, it may take a little while for him to feel totally relaxed around you, which might facilitate things for him.
By: Maria
Age: 46
Location: New York, NY
Question: I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who is 55, usually I date younger men so I am finding things quite different. One of the main thing is sex. He is always willing, tells me that he is very attracted to me, he has no problem getting an erection but very rarely ejaculates and when he does it takes a long time. Does this mean he really isn't very attracted to me or is it an age issue?
VictorM's advice:
This has nothing at all to do with how attracted to you he is. Men would screw a washing machine if the hole was about the right size.
Sounds more like it's simply biology. Men, like women, have different trigger points that leads to orgasm. The duration vary greatly from one person to another. And sure, age could be playing a role as well, but it's not by all means the only cause.
It's also possible that anxiety is playing a role. That is, the more he worries about not ejaculating or taking too long to ejaculate, the longer it will take to ejaculate. The mind can be a tricky bastard in that respect.
I would suggest that you not make a big deal about it but also consider some changes. For example, instead of finishing with penetration, give him oral, of a hand job, or even encourage him to masturbate himself. A man's own hand often does the trick.
Also, if you have only recently started having sex with him, it may take a little while for him to feel totally relaxed around you, which might facilitate things for him.
Online relationship
Submitted on Saturday, July 11, 2009
By: natasha
Age: 24
Location: ny
Question: is an online relationship good or bad?
VictorM's advice:
Mostly, it's an exercise in futility and in most cases, a fantasy. Sure, sometimes it leads to people meeting and coming together, in which case, it's a good thing, but if there are no plans to meet and live together, it's a waste of time that only leads to a life of delusion.
By: natasha
Age: 24
Location: ny
Question: is an online relationship good or bad?
VictorM's advice:
Mostly, it's an exercise in futility and in most cases, a fantasy. Sure, sometimes it leads to people meeting and coming together, in which case, it's a good thing, but if there are no plans to meet and live together, it's a waste of time that only leads to a life of delusion.
Monday, July 13, 2009
He was just trying to make his friends jealous
Submitted on Saturday, July 11, 2009
By: Laura M
Age: 38
Location: Houston
Question: I found text messages between my husband and his friends talking about hooking up with various other women while he was away on a business trip. When i confronted him, he said he never met up with anyone and he was just trying to make his friends jealous - to show them "he still has it" - basically- he said he was lying to them. i want to believe him - but feel unsure. From a man's perspective- could this story possibly be true?
VictorM's advice:
Of course I can't vouch for you husband in particular, but the stuff he told is totally in line with the behavior of guys (that is, saying stuff just to get other guys jealous or to make themselves come across as more "manly").
You'd be surprised how often guys exaggerate and lie just to come across as studs to their friends.
By: Laura M
Age: 38
Location: Houston
Question: I found text messages between my husband and his friends talking about hooking up with various other women while he was away on a business trip. When i confronted him, he said he never met up with anyone and he was just trying to make his friends jealous - to show them "he still has it" - basically- he said he was lying to them. i want to believe him - but feel unsure. From a man's perspective- could this story possibly be true?
VictorM's advice:
Of course I can't vouch for you husband in particular, but the stuff he told is totally in line with the behavior of guys (that is, saying stuff just to get other guys jealous or to make themselves come across as more "manly").
You'd be surprised how often guys exaggerate and lie just to come across as studs to their friends.
He really really wants to share a child with me
Submitted on Saturday, July 11, 2009
By: A
Age: 22
Question: V! How is everything? How was your vacation?? Hope it was good :)
Well, things with "T" and I are okay. (If u don't remember, i was the one with troubled "M", then I met "T", who was too perfect LOL, and now we're still together..we've been through some downs, but which relationship hasn't, right?)
I have one more year left until I graduate and get my Bachelor's. Well... my fiance told me he really really wants to share a child with me. I want to as well, but... I don't know, I want to graduate first. He understands that too, but... I can really sense he wants to start a family already. We are also not supposed to get married until AFTER I graduate, but he tells me that there is a big chance he may leave to another place sooner than I Graduate, and that it would be better if we married sooner, or before he gets his orders...but then said that it's really up to me on what happens with that... and...well, something has been on my mind.
Just to get straight to the point... "T" lied to me about keeping in contact with some person. She's one of his exes, or someone he used to "yeah". Anyhoos... he told me that she called him and he doesn't want to mess with that... eventually, I saw on his cellphone some texts and calls from him and her, and I confronted him about it. Before that, I called her, and she let me know that he told her that he was on a "9 month deployment" and that he didn't mention he had a fiance. So when I told about that "fiance" part... He said that I should just trust him.. but I told him to call her in front of my face, he wouldn't do it. So I threatened to leave him, and he didn't want me to leave. We're both mad... anyway, next day, he's supposed to hang out with his boys.. I had an interview that same day, and saw him across a small table eating with another woman. Of course I was pissed. I yelled at him and her, and he kept chasing after me telling me he was trying to straighten things out with her. So after we argued outside, I went back, she was still there, and she DID tell me they were trying to straighten things out, they didn't do anything, they only met two times, at the beach, and that day.... and that the only problem was he never told her he had a fiance... howEVER... he did tell her THAT DAY, that him and I were only together for the money which was very UNTRUE and hurtful to me.
"T" never came back to the place where I was talkin to her.
I wanted to return everything to "T", so I did. He didn't want me to leave him, I told him that we were over, done... there was nothing else he could do. He cried and begged... admitted that he lied to me about her, that he was stupid, and only THEN did he call her, put her on speaker, and try to confront her... then he said to her while i was listening that she was nothing, that he loves me, and why was she lying to me about him. She was pissed, callin him a liar and an asshole and etc. that still wasn't enough for me..
Then "T" texts me saying he's sorry for everything and will fight for me no matter what and will love me till he dies... . ANYWAY...
One morning, I just put every single thing in his car while he was at work, turned my phone off (because I knew he'd try to call me), and on the drivers seat, but the ring there.. so he would know I'm done.
Then during the night time, he knocked on my friends door, he was panting and sweating.. Apparently he was looking for me. He was indeed trying to call me, he called my house, and was going to drive to my house if he didn't find me there. But I insisted that we stay apart... I'll do ME, and he can do HIM.
Next day, I text him if he wants to see me. And only 2 seconds later, I get a respond "Yes". I told him he knew where I would be. We have a place where we first met, and yeah..it's our "place". So we went there, and talked... came clean about everything, and agreed to start over. However, I told him that this is his LAST/FINAL chance with me... he messes up one more time, and I will knock him out of me life forever.
..What do you think of this?
Thanks V!
VictorM's advice:
Wow... A! Where have you been? Glad to know you're around, even if you're as crazy as ever. :-p My vacation was great. Thanks for asking.
Well, T is nuts and you are such a firecracker! I can only imagine the scene with made. :)
I hope you stay in school and graduate, no matter what. Stick with that goal and don't be fooled by T's bullshit. Thinking is not his forte.
By: A
Age: 22
Question: V! How is everything? How was your vacation?? Hope it was good :)
Well, things with "T" and I are okay. (If u don't remember, i was the one with troubled "M", then I met "T", who was too perfect LOL, and now we're still together..we've been through some downs, but which relationship hasn't, right?)
I have one more year left until I graduate and get my Bachelor's. Well... my fiance told me he really really wants to share a child with me. I want to as well, but... I don't know, I want to graduate first. He understands that too, but... I can really sense he wants to start a family already. We are also not supposed to get married until AFTER I graduate, but he tells me that there is a big chance he may leave to another place sooner than I Graduate, and that it would be better if we married sooner, or before he gets his orders...but then said that it's really up to me on what happens with that... and...well, something has been on my mind.
Just to get straight to the point... "T" lied to me about keeping in contact with some person. She's one of his exes, or someone he used to "yeah". Anyhoos... he told me that she called him and he doesn't want to mess with that... eventually, I saw on his cellphone some texts and calls from him and her, and I confronted him about it. Before that, I called her, and she let me know that he told her that he was on a "9 month deployment" and that he didn't mention he had a fiance. So when I told about that "fiance" part... He said that I should just trust him.. but I told him to call her in front of my face, he wouldn't do it. So I threatened to leave him, and he didn't want me to leave. We're both mad... anyway, next day, he's supposed to hang out with his boys.. I had an interview that same day, and saw him across a small table eating with another woman. Of course I was pissed. I yelled at him and her, and he kept chasing after me telling me he was trying to straighten things out with her. So after we argued outside, I went back, she was still there, and she DID tell me they were trying to straighten things out, they didn't do anything, they only met two times, at the beach, and that day.... and that the only problem was he never told her he had a fiance... howEVER... he did tell her THAT DAY, that him and I were only together for the money which was very UNTRUE and hurtful to me.
"T" never came back to the place where I was talkin to her.
I wanted to return everything to "T", so I did. He didn't want me to leave him, I told him that we were over, done... there was nothing else he could do. He cried and begged... admitted that he lied to me about her, that he was stupid, and only THEN did he call her, put her on speaker, and try to confront her... then he said to her while i was listening that she was nothing, that he loves me, and why was she lying to me about him. She was pissed, callin him a liar and an asshole and etc. that still wasn't enough for me..
Then "T" texts me saying he's sorry for everything and will fight for me no matter what and will love me till he dies... . ANYWAY...
One morning, I just put every single thing in his car while he was at work, turned my phone off (because I knew he'd try to call me), and on the drivers seat, but the ring there.. so he would know I'm done.
Then during the night time, he knocked on my friends door, he was panting and sweating.. Apparently he was looking for me. He was indeed trying to call me, he called my house, and was going to drive to my house if he didn't find me there. But I insisted that we stay apart... I'll do ME, and he can do HIM.
Next day, I text him if he wants to see me. And only 2 seconds later, I get a respond "Yes". I told him he knew where I would be. We have a place where we first met, and yeah..it's our "place". So we went there, and talked... came clean about everything, and agreed to start over. However, I told him that this is his LAST/FINAL chance with me... he messes up one more time, and I will knock him out of me life forever.
..What do you think of this?
Thanks V!
VictorM's advice:
Wow... A! Where have you been? Glad to know you're around, even if you're as crazy as ever. :-p My vacation was great. Thanks for asking.
Well, T is nuts and you are such a firecracker! I can only imagine the scene with made. :)
I hope you stay in school and graduate, no matter what. Stick with that goal and don't be fooled by T's bullshit. Thinking is not his forte.
He only wants to come over for sex
Submitted on Friday, July 10, 2009
By: Cindy
Age: 43
Location: Evansville IN
Question: He only wants to come over for sex and leave and he won't take me out. He calls me briefly from work. He never calls or comes over on weekends. We have been doing this for a month. He is single parent to 10 year old. I have 13 and 7 year old. What's going on with him? We are both in our 40's.
VictorM's advice:
He's only interested in sex with you, will do the bare minimum to keep you hooked, and will continue to do so as long as you allow it.
There's nothing going on with him. Sounds like a very normal male to me.
By: Cindy
Age: 43
Location: Evansville IN
Question: He only wants to come over for sex and leave and he won't take me out. He calls me briefly from work. He never calls or comes over on weekends. We have been doing this for a month. He is single parent to 10 year old. I have 13 and 7 year old. What's going on with him? We are both in our 40's.
VictorM's advice:
He's only interested in sex with you, will do the bare minimum to keep you hooked, and will continue to do so as long as you allow it.
There's nothing going on with him. Sounds like a very normal male to me.
Suddenly, he didn't want to have sex
Submitted on Friday, July 10, 2009
By: Amanda
Age: 29
Location: NYC
Question: I'm in a hard situation and maybe you, as a guy, can shed some light. My boyfriend and I have known each other for five years. We started out as co-workers and became very good friends (both in other relationships at the time). We were friends for several years. Then those relationships ended, we dated other people, then began dating each other. We casually dated and were sleeping together for about a year and a half. The sex was the best I've ever had, the conversation was wonderful, and our feelings became more and more serious. We decided that we wanted to be together in a serious relationship. We moved in together a year ago.
Almost from the moment we moved in together everything changed. It was like the universe wanted to punish us. And a switch in his head flipped. Suddenly, he didn't want to have sex, he didn't want to go out, he stopped hanging out with his friends, he lost interest in his hobbies, he put on weight, and he does nothing but play computer games in all his free time. He is not the same man I fell in love with and it kills me. We talk about it, we argue about it, and he always says the same thing, "I love you more than anything and I can't imagine my life without you, but I don't know what is wrong with me."
Granted, this past year has been really hard. We were almost evicted, we slept on a mattress for six months because work was so bad that we couldn't afford furniture, our apartment is in a neighborhood we both hate, we're so busy trying to survive that we rarely have time or money to go out like we used to, we have sex maybe four times a month now, and about six weeks ago I was interviewing someone (I'm a journalist) and he ruffied my drink and raped me.
We are trying to get back on our feet. Work has picked up, we bought furniture, we just signed a lease on a new apartment we both really like in a neighborhood we like, and we are planning to spend January in Thailand.
The biggest problem between us (for me) is the lack of sex since we've lived together. It makes me feel unloved, unvalued, unattractive, neglected, angry, and resentful. It has taken its toll on my self-esteem. And I can't help but constantly wonder if he isn't in love with me anymore and doesn't find me attractive, but doesn't know how to tell me, or if it is the stress and hardship of this past year. I don't know how to fix it or how to communicate to him how important sex is without all these feelings inside me pouring out like a volcano. I feel like our relationship never got a fair chance and now I feel like it is falling apart.
I'm entering my sexual peak, my hormones are going crazy, and I feel like I can't communicate that to him. I'm afraid of him rejecting me. That hurts more than anything.
He doesn't act like he doesn't love me. He comes home to me, he calls when he says he will, he tells me he loves me, that I'm his best friend, and he wants to be together forever, he holds my hand and cuddles with me all the time, he asks me how my day was everyday, etc.
What can I do to fix the lack of sex or should I cut my losses and move on? Am I delusional because I love him so damn much?
VictorM's advice:
Women in general have absolutely no idea how a man's inability to be a good provider has on his psyche, and how it negatively impacts so many aspects of his being. Things like decrease of self-esteem, losing interest in his looks, or vegging out with video games, are quite common. Equally as common, if not more so, is the loss of sexual appetite. I'm willing to bet that his condition has all to do with that and nothing to do with how he views you sexually or romantically.
You said things have improved financially, but is this mainly because of you or because of him? Because if it's because of you, the situation gets much worse for him. If he's the one who's financial condition improved, then you may start seeing some improvement over time.
But I want to reemphasize how debilitating it is for guys, how humiliating they feel to be unable to provide adequately for their loved ones, and that is a very direct impact on sex drive.
My suggestion is for you to minimize complaints about your financial situation and to stop complaining (if you do at all) about his lack of libido. But above all, if some of the things I said don't quite match your situation, you might encourage him to visit a sex therapist or doctor. Do not disregard that this could also be a case of something else wrong with him health wise.
By: Amanda
Age: 29
Location: NYC
Question: I'm in a hard situation and maybe you, as a guy, can shed some light. My boyfriend and I have known each other for five years. We started out as co-workers and became very good friends (both in other relationships at the time). We were friends for several years. Then those relationships ended, we dated other people, then began dating each other. We casually dated and were sleeping together for about a year and a half. The sex was the best I've ever had, the conversation was wonderful, and our feelings became more and more serious. We decided that we wanted to be together in a serious relationship. We moved in together a year ago.
Almost from the moment we moved in together everything changed. It was like the universe wanted to punish us. And a switch in his head flipped. Suddenly, he didn't want to have sex, he didn't want to go out, he stopped hanging out with his friends, he lost interest in his hobbies, he put on weight, and he does nothing but play computer games in all his free time. He is not the same man I fell in love with and it kills me. We talk about it, we argue about it, and he always says the same thing, "I love you more than anything and I can't imagine my life without you, but I don't know what is wrong with me."
Granted, this past year has been really hard. We were almost evicted, we slept on a mattress for six months because work was so bad that we couldn't afford furniture, our apartment is in a neighborhood we both hate, we're so busy trying to survive that we rarely have time or money to go out like we used to, we have sex maybe four times a month now, and about six weeks ago I was interviewing someone (I'm a journalist) and he ruffied my drink and raped me.
We are trying to get back on our feet. Work has picked up, we bought furniture, we just signed a lease on a new apartment we both really like in a neighborhood we like, and we are planning to spend January in Thailand.
The biggest problem between us (for me) is the lack of sex since we've lived together. It makes me feel unloved, unvalued, unattractive, neglected, angry, and resentful. It has taken its toll on my self-esteem. And I can't help but constantly wonder if he isn't in love with me anymore and doesn't find me attractive, but doesn't know how to tell me, or if it is the stress and hardship of this past year. I don't know how to fix it or how to communicate to him how important sex is without all these feelings inside me pouring out like a volcano. I feel like our relationship never got a fair chance and now I feel like it is falling apart.
I'm entering my sexual peak, my hormones are going crazy, and I feel like I can't communicate that to him. I'm afraid of him rejecting me. That hurts more than anything.
He doesn't act like he doesn't love me. He comes home to me, he calls when he says he will, he tells me he loves me, that I'm his best friend, and he wants to be together forever, he holds my hand and cuddles with me all the time, he asks me how my day was everyday, etc.
What can I do to fix the lack of sex or should I cut my losses and move on? Am I delusional because I love him so damn much?
VictorM's advice:
Women in general have absolutely no idea how a man's inability to be a good provider has on his psyche, and how it negatively impacts so many aspects of his being. Things like decrease of self-esteem, losing interest in his looks, or vegging out with video games, are quite common. Equally as common, if not more so, is the loss of sexual appetite. I'm willing to bet that his condition has all to do with that and nothing to do with how he views you sexually or romantically.
You said things have improved financially, but is this mainly because of you or because of him? Because if it's because of you, the situation gets much worse for him. If he's the one who's financial condition improved, then you may start seeing some improvement over time.
But I want to reemphasize how debilitating it is for guys, how humiliating they feel to be unable to provide adequately for their loved ones, and that is a very direct impact on sex drive.
My suggestion is for you to minimize complaints about your financial situation and to stop complaining (if you do at all) about his lack of libido. But above all, if some of the things I said don't quite match your situation, you might encourage him to visit a sex therapist or doctor. Do not disregard that this could also be a case of something else wrong with him health wise.
He has a hectic work schedule
Submitted on Thursday, July 09, 2009
By: Lori
Age: 32
Location: New York
Question: Ive been with my boyfriend for over a year. He has a hectic work schedule, he works days and then night every other week. We go days and sometimes week will pass without seeing each other but always talk on the phone or text one another daily. When we do spend time together we have great chemistry. The problem is, I feel that he does not make enough time for me when his schedule is free. I feel so alone at times. He is very sweet and warm and affectionate when we are together, I have on two occasions asked him to make more time for me. It gets better for a while and then falls apart. I have major problems communicating my feeling to him. I close down and tell him everything is fine when its not. I know that this is my fault and I'm working on trying to be more open about my feeling. I do not want to be demanding or whinny...it's just not me. I feel that if he truly wanted to be with me he would make the time without me having to ask again.
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't need to be with you as often as you appear to need to be with him. It has nothing to do with level of feelings. In fact, you didn't say you missed him; you said you're lonely. That sounds like a very selfish and unhealthy reason to want to spend more time with him.
As you said, you need to be able to communicate your needs more clearly. And I encourage you to do it. If you do it in a positive manner, you may get results, but you may never get the attention you want. So, in addition, you need to make friends, plan activities with them, find a hobby... anything to be less dependent on your boyfriend.
By: Lori
Age: 32
Location: New York
Question: Ive been with my boyfriend for over a year. He has a hectic work schedule, he works days and then night every other week. We go days and sometimes week will pass without seeing each other but always talk on the phone or text one another daily. When we do spend time together we have great chemistry. The problem is, I feel that he does not make enough time for me when his schedule is free. I feel so alone at times. He is very sweet and warm and affectionate when we are together, I have on two occasions asked him to make more time for me. It gets better for a while and then falls apart. I have major problems communicating my feeling to him. I close down and tell him everything is fine when its not. I know that this is my fault and I'm working on trying to be more open about my feeling. I do not want to be demanding or whinny...it's just not me. I feel that if he truly wanted to be with me he would make the time without me having to ask again.
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't need to be with you as often as you appear to need to be with him. It has nothing to do with level of feelings. In fact, you didn't say you missed him; you said you're lonely. That sounds like a very selfish and unhealthy reason to want to spend more time with him.
As you said, you need to be able to communicate your needs more clearly. And I encourage you to do it. If you do it in a positive manner, you may get results, but you may never get the attention you want. So, in addition, you need to make friends, plan activities with them, find a hobby... anything to be less dependent on your boyfriend.
He and I were done
Submitted on Thursday, July 09, 2009
By: Alice
Age: 28
Location: WI
Question: Lots of drama to be said right now but here goes anyway! I met this guy in Aug 08, we hit it off, he was sweet, attentive, emailed me everyday, called all the time, texted and then it tappered off, which was o.k. I was really happy and then a couple months later some girl started texting me saying that she was his "live-in girlfriend" Long story short, she was, he and I were done (I am very busy and work 50-60 hours a week and it actually never dawned on me that I never went to his place) Well, a couple glasses of liquid courage later and fast forward to Feb 09 I sent him a text. I had been doing really good, no contact since the Dec breakup and he called me back. So we started talking and sleeping together again (oh, he broke up w/ the girl and she moved because I actually went to his place several times already) Well, in April we have the "talk" and he wants to know why I am closed off, I tell him I was afriad of him cheating on me, sleeping w/ someone else or getting another message from some girl that is his girlfriend. He reassured me that that was not going to happen, that he wanted to be w/ me! 3 DAYS LATER he slept w/ someone else while I was on vacation and then told me about when I got back! I broke it off again and guess what, went back. I really like this guy A LOT! I've never felt this way about anyone before but I've also never let anyone walk all over me like this before! Now, I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, haven't talked but we or should I say I text him and he sometimes responds. When I attempt to break it off he states that I need to understand he is going through a lot right now (which he is, he is going to quit his job, just moved to another place) I guess I dont' know what to do! My head says RUN AWAY and my heart tells me to STAY! Is he just using me or playing me? Help!!!
VictorM's advice:
He's not using using you or playing you because you're not an innocent child who doesn't know what's going on. He's a lying, cheating creep and you know it, therefore, whatever is happening you're responsible for it.
Some people like drugs a lot but they're still bad for them. This guys is your drug. Do something about it or be miserable. But stop blaming him -- you are responsible for your actions.
By: Alice
Age: 28
Location: WI
Question: Lots of drama to be said right now but here goes anyway! I met this guy in Aug 08, we hit it off, he was sweet, attentive, emailed me everyday, called all the time, texted and then it tappered off, which was o.k. I was really happy and then a couple months later some girl started texting me saying that she was his "live-in girlfriend" Long story short, she was, he and I were done (I am very busy and work 50-60 hours a week and it actually never dawned on me that I never went to his place) Well, a couple glasses of liquid courage later and fast forward to Feb 09 I sent him a text. I had been doing really good, no contact since the Dec breakup and he called me back. So we started talking and sleeping together again (oh, he broke up w/ the girl and she moved because I actually went to his place several times already) Well, in April we have the "talk" and he wants to know why I am closed off, I tell him I was afriad of him cheating on me, sleeping w/ someone else or getting another message from some girl that is his girlfriend. He reassured me that that was not going to happen, that he wanted to be w/ me! 3 DAYS LATER he slept w/ someone else while I was on vacation and then told me about when I got back! I broke it off again and guess what, went back. I really like this guy A LOT! I've never felt this way about anyone before but I've also never let anyone walk all over me like this before! Now, I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, haven't talked but we or should I say I text him and he sometimes responds. When I attempt to break it off he states that I need to understand he is going through a lot right now (which he is, he is going to quit his job, just moved to another place) I guess I dont' know what to do! My head says RUN AWAY and my heart tells me to STAY! Is he just using me or playing me? Help!!!
VictorM's advice:
He's not using using you or playing you because you're not an innocent child who doesn't know what's going on. He's a lying, cheating creep and you know it, therefore, whatever is happening you're responsible for it.
Some people like drugs a lot but they're still bad for them. This guys is your drug. Do something about it or be miserable. But stop blaming him -- you are responsible for your actions.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Sometimes more
Submitted on Wednesday, July 08, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 19
Location: Montana
Question: Me and this guy i like have been friends for 5 years and it started out with us dating then. He is still a good friend and sometimes more than that but my problem is i am in love with him. I always am thinking of him. The other problem is he won't get over his ex who is constantly around and in our business. He will be nice to me one day and the next he will be with her. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship and I know I shouldn't like him, but what do I do? Please help. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
The problem is not that he's not over his ex -- he will, it takes time. Or that he says he doesn't want a relationship -- guys always say that because they fear loss of freedom. Or that you shouldn't like him -- you like him, that's a fact.
The real problem is contained in this sentence: "He is still a good friend and sometimes more." The "sometimes more" is preventing him from thinking of you as a legitimate possible girlfriend. If you think giving him "more" will bring him closer to you, you're mistaken. It has the opposite effect.
Keep him at an arm's length and make him work for you attention. Save the "more" for much later. Wanting you and spending energy on getting you will help him get over the ex and focus on you. But if you make it too easy on him, he'll lose focus.
By: Sarah
Age: 19
Location: Montana
Question: Me and this guy i like have been friends for 5 years and it started out with us dating then. He is still a good friend and sometimes more than that but my problem is i am in love with him. I always am thinking of him. The other problem is he won't get over his ex who is constantly around and in our business. He will be nice to me one day and the next he will be with her. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship and I know I shouldn't like him, but what do I do? Please help. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
The problem is not that he's not over his ex -- he will, it takes time. Or that he says he doesn't want a relationship -- guys always say that because they fear loss of freedom. Or that you shouldn't like him -- you like him, that's a fact.
The real problem is contained in this sentence: "He is still a good friend and sometimes more." The "sometimes more" is preventing him from thinking of you as a legitimate possible girlfriend. If you think giving him "more" will bring him closer to you, you're mistaken. It has the opposite effect.
Keep him at an arm's length and make him work for you attention. Save the "more" for much later. Wanting you and spending energy on getting you will help him get over the ex and focus on you. But if you make it too easy on him, he'll lose focus.
We chatted till the early hours of the morning
Submitted on Wednesday, July 08, 2009
By: Emragetta
Age: 19
Location: west coast
Question: I met a guy almost 4 months ago now and when we got chatting we really hit it off...we had lots in common but to be honest i wasn't that physically attracted to him but on the other hand really enjoyed his company and sense of humour.....i felt as if i had known him a really long time...! He asked for my number and i thought why not, its no harm!! On the same night he text me and we chatted till the early hours of the morning...I Found out that he played in a band and that he had a gig close to my home the following wkend so i decided i would go along and support him!I too work in the music business so we both know alot of the same people....He was delighted to see me at his gig and afterwards we spent over 4 hrs chattin about everything and anything.....it was strange coz i felt a rreal spark between us and found that after spending more time with him i was beginning to become attracted to him in more than a friendly way, but to be honest i thought it was all one sided and that i would be fooling myself thinking that he liked me too and that he saw us as friends in the business ....Anyway after hours passed i had to go and as i said goodnite to him he kissed me!!!I was shocked but it was so good!!!After the kiss we just held onto each other and chilled out for awhile...he was a complete gentleman...he also commented on how he could chat to me so openly nad easily and he felt as tho we had met before or something.....
we kept in contact since then by txt several times a week but sometimes a wk may pass without a message as i know he is busy with work etc...I really am enjoying spending time with him and he is too or at least his facial expression lead me to believe he is but the only time i see him is at his gigs...there was one night he came with me to a club after his gig was over but apart from that we don't see each other...we don't live in the same town therefore there is a boundary there but do u think this is strange?? I find myself becoming more and more attracted to him but i don't know where it is leading or if he sees us together as a couple in the next while?? he did comment only last week that we barely know each other so do you think maybe he wants to get to know me better before anything more is to develop or What do you think he is playin at?
VictorM's advice:
Guys take a very long time to get to the stage where you are -- wondering where the relationship will lead. As he stated, you barely know each other. I know girls like to do that in the security of a relationship, but guys like to do it without a commitment. So everything seems quite normal at this stage. I'm not saying it'll lead to a relationship, but he's surely giving you a shot in that respect.
By: Emragetta
Age: 19
Location: west coast
Question: I met a guy almost 4 months ago now and when we got chatting we really hit it off...we had lots in common but to be honest i wasn't that physically attracted to him but on the other hand really enjoyed his company and sense of humour.....i felt as if i had known him a really long time...! He asked for my number and i thought why not, its no harm!! On the same night he text me and we chatted till the early hours of the morning...I Found out that he played in a band and that he had a gig close to my home the following wkend so i decided i would go along and support him!I too work in the music business so we both know alot of the same people....He was delighted to see me at his gig and afterwards we spent over 4 hrs chattin about everything and anything.....it was strange coz i felt a rreal spark between us and found that after spending more time with him i was beginning to become attracted to him in more than a friendly way, but to be honest i thought it was all one sided and that i would be fooling myself thinking that he liked me too and that he saw us as friends in the business ....Anyway after hours passed i had to go and as i said goodnite to him he kissed me!!!I was shocked but it was so good!!!After the kiss we just held onto each other and chilled out for awhile...he was a complete gentleman...he also commented on how he could chat to me so openly nad easily and he felt as tho we had met before or something.....
we kept in contact since then by txt several times a week but sometimes a wk may pass without a message as i know he is busy with work etc...I really am enjoying spending time with him and he is too or at least his facial expression lead me to believe he is but the only time i see him is at his gigs...there was one night he came with me to a club after his gig was over but apart from that we don't see each other...we don't live in the same town therefore there is a boundary there but do u think this is strange?? I find myself becoming more and more attracted to him but i don't know where it is leading or if he sees us together as a couple in the next while?? he did comment only last week that we barely know each other so do you think maybe he wants to get to know me better before anything more is to develop or What do you think he is playin at?
VictorM's advice:
Guys take a very long time to get to the stage where you are -- wondering where the relationship will lead. As he stated, you barely know each other. I know girls like to do that in the security of a relationship, but guys like to do it without a commitment. So everything seems quite normal at this stage. I'm not saying it'll lead to a relationship, but he's surely giving you a shot in that respect.
He needs a "hotty" to come sit with him
Submitted on Wednesday, July 08, 2009
By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: I have been talking to this guy who I met over vacation, and have known for a little while before that. We've talked before this past vacation, though now he has been flirting with me and has been talking to me every day for the past few months through text messaging and on aim. He's mentioned a few times that I should come with him to his beach house and how he needs a "hotty" to come sit with him on the beach. When I asked him when a good time for me to come visit the house would be, he said that he didn't have a whole lot of money, but that we could work something out. When I asked him like what, he never answered. I'm very puzzled over this and have asked a friend of mine, who doesn't know what to think of this either. Is he taking the easy way out by saying that he doesn't have money so I don't come visit?
VictorM's advice:
I think you took him literally when in fact he was just paying you a compliment. He wasn't really inviting you over.
You're making the common mistake of believing that flirting means interest. It does not. Flirting is a way for a guy to feel good about himself.
I bet he wasn't counting on you actually accepting what was really not an invitation, hence his silence.
By: Marie
Location: Upstate NY
Question: I have been talking to this guy who I met over vacation, and have known for a little while before that. We've talked before this past vacation, though now he has been flirting with me and has been talking to me every day for the past few months through text messaging and on aim. He's mentioned a few times that I should come with him to his beach house and how he needs a "hotty" to come sit with him on the beach. When I asked him when a good time for me to come visit the house would be, he said that he didn't have a whole lot of money, but that we could work something out. When I asked him like what, he never answered. I'm very puzzled over this and have asked a friend of mine, who doesn't know what to think of this either. Is he taking the easy way out by saying that he doesn't have money so I don't come visit?
VictorM's advice:
I think you took him literally when in fact he was just paying you a compliment. He wasn't really inviting you over.
You're making the common mistake of believing that flirting means interest. It does not. Flirting is a way for a guy to feel good about himself.
I bet he wasn't counting on you actually accepting what was really not an invitation, hence his silence.
I have never had an orgasm
Submitted on Wednesday, July 08, 2009
By: harriet
Age: 17
Location: New Zealand
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months we are both 17. We slept together after a month or two of being together. He was my second time. I love him dearly and am still very attracted to him. The sex is good but I have never had an orgasm. I think I might have been close once but I am not sure, I guess I am still pretty new at it and don't know my body enough to tell. I enjoy having sex with him, we both have deep feelings, have fun and love being close. Is it strange that I'm never screaming and moaning like in the movies? Is it my body or his or maybe the way we are doing it? Or perhaps an indication there is something wrong? Worried that I still haven't come. Help!
VictorM's advice:
I'd say you're more normal than the movies. Be aware that movies can't impart the sense of smell or touch to their audience, nor can they make them feel what two people in love feel. So they compensate by exaggerating on the visuals and audio. So while there are many women who loud during sex, many are not.
As for the orgasm... well, I'll invite female readers to share their experiences with you. Again, I think it's pretty normal at this stage, but maybe they can give you a perspective that I can.
Come on ladies, share...
By: harriet
Age: 17
Location: New Zealand
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months we are both 17. We slept together after a month or two of being together. He was my second time. I love him dearly and am still very attracted to him. The sex is good but I have never had an orgasm. I think I might have been close once but I am not sure, I guess I am still pretty new at it and don't know my body enough to tell. I enjoy having sex with him, we both have deep feelings, have fun and love being close. Is it strange that I'm never screaming and moaning like in the movies? Is it my body or his or maybe the way we are doing it? Or perhaps an indication there is something wrong? Worried that I still haven't come. Help!
VictorM's advice:
I'd say you're more normal than the movies. Be aware that movies can't impart the sense of smell or touch to their audience, nor can they make them feel what two people in love feel. So they compensate by exaggerating on the visuals and audio. So while there are many women who loud during sex, many are not.
As for the orgasm... well, I'll invite female readers to share their experiences with you. Again, I think it's pretty normal at this stage, but maybe they can give you a perspective that I can.
Come on ladies, share...
Friday, July 10, 2009
Disappearing guys
Submitted on Wednesday, July 08, 2009
By: krystal
Age: 26
Location: atlanta
Question: I want to know why every guy that I have dealt with in the past year has disappeared on me out of no where.
Guy #1
I met this guy last September who said shortly after meeting that "we have a real connection. It feels like we've known each other forever." I agreed, and so did my friends and his friends. At first it seemed like he wanted to spend all his time with me. Then he became distant. While we have been talking off and on since last September, even when times have been rough we have communicated. For example, when he got laid off of his job, he called me, even though we weren't really dealing with each other at the time. Also, I am the only person who got him a birthday present for his birthday in March. Now, he doesn't respond to my texts, calls, nothing.
Guy #2
I met last October. Lives in another state, but is in Atlanta often for work. We used to talk every single day up until the Christmas holiday. Wanted to call me his "girlfriend." Then our communications became more sporadic. He came to Atlanta during the Easter holiday this year to visit his family who lives here. He stopped by to see me twice in one day!!! We have only ever kissed and that's all he wanted when he stopped by both times. I called him the next day, no response. Haven't talked to him since he came to see me.
Guy #3
I was talking to this guy for a few weeks. We both had corporate, office type jobs and so we would email each other practically all day everyday. One day I suggested we meet up so I could "get a kiss", which I thought was cute. He was game. In the car, we were talking and he brought up "dating," implying that he and I are dating. I questioned him on it (just to make sure I knew where his head was at). After that conversation, he doesn't respond to my emails, texts, nothing. I saw him at a party and he was trying to start up a conversation but I was a little taken aback, as he had been consistently ignoring my emails. I didn't stay at the party long enough to have a conversation with him, so I emailed him on Monday to say it was good to see him. He says "you acted like you didn't even know me at the party" and "what do you want this to be, something platonic or otherwise?" I suggested that we meet up for lunch to talk in person. He says "we will see" and something along the lines of "if someone has wronged me, I want them to suffer as much as I have"...WTF???!!!!! How did I wrong him??? A couple days later I send him an email asking what he's doing for the fourth of July, and he says that he has a date. I'm not a hater, so I say "oh that sounds nice, have fun." I email him the next week to ask how his holiday weekend went and guess what...no response. I guess he's back to ignoring me.
Guy #4
This guy and I have mutual friends and we are a part of some of the same professional and community organizations. We run into each other at some events/parties and generally say hi/bye and/or have a conversation. We hung out one night recently and kissed and did some heavy petting. The night was very passionate, with him kissing my feet, legs, hands, even holding my hand while he drove me home. Haven't talked to him since and this was three days ago.
Confused isn't even the word for where I'm at right now. How can these guys all act like they are soo into me, and then pretend as if I never existed??? They have all said "you are so beautiful" and "any guy would want to be with you." And I'm thinking to myself "really?? Then how could you disappear on me??" I mean not one of them even sends me a "hey how are you doing today" text, which would only take two seconds from their day to send!!! It's like they would each rather completely remove me from their lives. I haven't slept with any of the guys, so I know that "putting out too soon" is not the problem. And I know that not sleeping with them wouldn't make them want to remove me from their lives completely, because I have plenty of girlfriends who maintain friendly relationships more long periods of time with guys who want more from them than they want to give. I take care of myself, have a good job, dress nicely, get my nails done, etc. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know there are a lot of missing details for each guy, but if you could try and analyze as best as you could I would so appreciate it. This is starting to get really frustrating and painful. Please help!!!
VictorM's advice:
I just answered a similar question in the forum. I'l going to cut and paste below, changing only the name:
I get tons of questions similar to this one, where guys disappear. You shouldn't assume it's because of you.
Guys are into quantity. No guy likes to brag about still dating their high school sweetheart. Guys like to tell others how they've had nth number of of girlfriends. So basically, it's in their DNA to move from girl to girl often.
Guys are also cowards about breaking things off with a girl. Again, that has nothing to do with you.
Tthere is no such thing as "love at first sight" when it comes to guys. What guys are very prone to do is be in lust. The prettier they find you, the more intense that lust. And that causes the brain to release chemicals that give a guy a high, being on cloud nine, which provokes all the over the top comments. You simply have to learn to dismiss this initial attraction as something special -- it's not! It's just a guy being extra horny and verbalizing it in a way that is often sincere but overblown. Once guys come off that high, then you're off the pedestal. And so they go looking for another looker. So basically, Krytal, you're too sexy for most guys.
What to do? Well, as I've said before, don't equate the initial fever over you with actual, sustainable interest. Continue to date. Eventually, one guy is going to put you on a pedestal and keep you there, specially when he finds your good qualities that go beyond your good looks.
Really, good looking girls should torment the boys that gush madly over them, not be all nice and stuff.
By: krystal
Age: 26
Location: atlanta
Question: I want to know why every guy that I have dealt with in the past year has disappeared on me out of no where.
Guy #1
I met this guy last September who said shortly after meeting that "we have a real connection. It feels like we've known each other forever." I agreed, and so did my friends and his friends. At first it seemed like he wanted to spend all his time with me. Then he became distant. While we have been talking off and on since last September, even when times have been rough we have communicated. For example, when he got laid off of his job, he called me, even though we weren't really dealing with each other at the time. Also, I am the only person who got him a birthday present for his birthday in March. Now, he doesn't respond to my texts, calls, nothing.
Guy #2
I met last October. Lives in another state, but is in Atlanta often for work. We used to talk every single day up until the Christmas holiday. Wanted to call me his "girlfriend." Then our communications became more sporadic. He came to Atlanta during the Easter holiday this year to visit his family who lives here. He stopped by to see me twice in one day!!! We have only ever kissed and that's all he wanted when he stopped by both times. I called him the next day, no response. Haven't talked to him since he came to see me.
Guy #3
I was talking to this guy for a few weeks. We both had corporate, office type jobs and so we would email each other practically all day everyday. One day I suggested we meet up so I could "get a kiss", which I thought was cute. He was game. In the car, we were talking and he brought up "dating," implying that he and I are dating. I questioned him on it (just to make sure I knew where his head was at). After that conversation, he doesn't respond to my emails, texts, nothing. I saw him at a party and he was trying to start up a conversation but I was a little taken aback, as he had been consistently ignoring my emails. I didn't stay at the party long enough to have a conversation with him, so I emailed him on Monday to say it was good to see him. He says "you acted like you didn't even know me at the party" and "what do you want this to be, something platonic or otherwise?" I suggested that we meet up for lunch to talk in person. He says "we will see" and something along the lines of "if someone has wronged me, I want them to suffer as much as I have"...WTF???!!!!! How did I wrong him??? A couple days later I send him an email asking what he's doing for the fourth of July, and he says that he has a date. I'm not a hater, so I say "oh that sounds nice, have fun." I email him the next week to ask how his holiday weekend went and guess what...no response. I guess he's back to ignoring me.
Guy #4
This guy and I have mutual friends and we are a part of some of the same professional and community organizations. We run into each other at some events/parties and generally say hi/bye and/or have a conversation. We hung out one night recently and kissed and did some heavy petting. The night was very passionate, with him kissing my feet, legs, hands, even holding my hand while he drove me home. Haven't talked to him since and this was three days ago.
Confused isn't even the word for where I'm at right now. How can these guys all act like they are soo into me, and then pretend as if I never existed??? They have all said "you are so beautiful" and "any guy would want to be with you." And I'm thinking to myself "really?? Then how could you disappear on me??" I mean not one of them even sends me a "hey how are you doing today" text, which would only take two seconds from their day to send!!! It's like they would each rather completely remove me from their lives. I haven't slept with any of the guys, so I know that "putting out too soon" is not the problem. And I know that not sleeping with them wouldn't make them want to remove me from their lives completely, because I have plenty of girlfriends who maintain friendly relationships more long periods of time with guys who want more from them than they want to give. I take care of myself, have a good job, dress nicely, get my nails done, etc. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know there are a lot of missing details for each guy, but if you could try and analyze as best as you could I would so appreciate it. This is starting to get really frustrating and painful. Please help!!!
VictorM's advice:
I just answered a similar question in the forum. I'l going to cut and paste below, changing only the name:
I get tons of questions similar to this one, where guys disappear. You shouldn't assume it's because of you.
Guys are into quantity. No guy likes to brag about still dating their high school sweetheart. Guys like to tell others how they've had nth number of of girlfriends. So basically, it's in their DNA to move from girl to girl often.
Guys are also cowards about breaking things off with a girl. Again, that has nothing to do with you.
Tthere is no such thing as "love at first sight" when it comes to guys. What guys are very prone to do is be in lust. The prettier they find you, the more intense that lust. And that causes the brain to release chemicals that give a guy a high, being on cloud nine, which provokes all the over the top comments. You simply have to learn to dismiss this initial attraction as something special -- it's not! It's just a guy being extra horny and verbalizing it in a way that is often sincere but overblown. Once guys come off that high, then you're off the pedestal. And so they go looking for another looker. So basically, Krytal, you're too sexy for most guys.
What to do? Well, as I've said before, don't equate the initial fever over you with actual, sustainable interest. Continue to date. Eventually, one guy is going to put you on a pedestal and keep you there, specially when he finds your good qualities that go beyond your good looks.
Really, good looking girls should torment the boys that gush madly over them, not be all nice and stuff.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
So, there's this guy...
Submitted on Tuesday, July 07, 2009
By: Brit
Age: 18
Location: Las Vegas
Question:
I'm new to this site and after reading a few of the posts I figured you could help me a little bit. I'll have to leave a lot of little small details out so it's not too long, but if you need some more info i'll be more than willing. =]
So, there's this guy [how many times have you heard that, hehe] and we've been flirting on and off for about a month and a couple weeks, or at least a month how about that. We both live at our friends house. [He knows the brother and I know the sister] Well, at first when I started living there I didn't like him blah blah blah, but then one random day, I looked at him and out of no where I was like man, he's cute. Both sets of our friends told us to just go for it. [we have the same group of friends] So, obviously, we just went for it and for about a week or so we were steadily hanging out in his room and we'd only make out. I mean, of course the sexual tension was there, but niether of us made a move. Part of the reason I didn't is because my friend had told me that he really wasn't looking for a girlfriend right now. I don't know why he didn't try. Then, out of nowhere, he just stops coming to bed with me, and we stop having our ''makeout sessions''. Or he'll come one day here, two days there, none here, etc. But while we're downstairs or out and about he's constantly flirting with me. He's said he doesn't want a girlfriend because he hasn't gotten his own apartment yet or a car or the means to have one. I understand that to a point which is why I'm not freaking out too bad. But I can't help it sometimes, hehe, I am a girl afterall. But this is where he throws me off, the days he does come into the room with me he grabs me to cuddle, not the other way around I make him sort of work for it because I don't know where he stands. Also, he would just peck me on my lips or kiss my neck and stuff like that but no making out. What I can understand out of this is, nobody wants to make-out with their morning dragon breath hehe. This morning he got a little more into kissing me and it just feels mmm..mmm..good haha. I'm not sure if you'll catch that.
Anyways, yeah I have no idea what to do about this guy. We have deep convos, we hang out, we have fun together, but sometimes he's off doing his thing with his friends and therefore I go off and do my thing with my friends. Is there a possible relationship here?
Also, I should be moving out of this house in a week or so, do you think that the little bit of whatever we have will fade or possibly get better because I won't be living there?
Thanks for reading =]
VictorM's advice:
All sounds natural to me. Guys love, love, LOVE to go slow, take their time, flirt, seduce you over a period of time, play little games (such as being hot or cold) but as long as he continues to enjoy your company, there is a chance it'll turn into something. But if sex is not a high priority to him (and you'd be surprised how often that's the case) he really has no incentive to be more aggressive. My guess is that he's loving the whole courtship phase without commitment, and will keep it up.
You moving out will give you some indication if his current approach is only because the whole situation is just too easy (you're there, so why not?) or if he actually puts effort into pursuing you. How it will turn out I can't say, but you'll probably get a better idea once you move out.
PS. As for your other question, send me an email address that I can respond to and I'll be happy to give you the information.
By: Brit
Age: 18
Location: Las Vegas
Question:
I'm new to this site and after reading a few of the posts I figured you could help me a little bit. I'll have to leave a lot of little small details out so it's not too long, but if you need some more info i'll be more than willing. =]
So, there's this guy [how many times have you heard that, hehe] and we've been flirting on and off for about a month and a couple weeks, or at least a month how about that. We both live at our friends house. [He knows the brother and I know the sister] Well, at first when I started living there I didn't like him blah blah blah, but then one random day, I looked at him and out of no where I was like man, he's cute. Both sets of our friends told us to just go for it. [we have the same group of friends] So, obviously, we just went for it and for about a week or so we were steadily hanging out in his room and we'd only make out. I mean, of course the sexual tension was there, but niether of us made a move. Part of the reason I didn't is because my friend had told me that he really wasn't looking for a girlfriend right now. I don't know why he didn't try. Then, out of nowhere, he just stops coming to bed with me, and we stop having our ''makeout sessions''. Or he'll come one day here, two days there, none here, etc. But while we're downstairs or out and about he's constantly flirting with me. He's said he doesn't want a girlfriend because he hasn't gotten his own apartment yet or a car or the means to have one. I understand that to a point which is why I'm not freaking out too bad. But I can't help it sometimes, hehe, I am a girl afterall. But this is where he throws me off, the days he does come into the room with me he grabs me to cuddle, not the other way around I make him sort of work for it because I don't know where he stands. Also, he would just peck me on my lips or kiss my neck and stuff like that but no making out. What I can understand out of this is, nobody wants to make-out with their morning dragon breath hehe. This morning he got a little more into kissing me and it just feels mmm..mmm..good haha. I'm not sure if you'll catch that.
Anyways, yeah I have no idea what to do about this guy. We have deep convos, we hang out, we have fun together, but sometimes he's off doing his thing with his friends and therefore I go off and do my thing with my friends. Is there a possible relationship here?
Also, I should be moving out of this house in a week or so, do you think that the little bit of whatever we have will fade or possibly get better because I won't be living there?
Thanks for reading =]
VictorM's advice:
All sounds natural to me. Guys love, love, LOVE to go slow, take their time, flirt, seduce you over a period of time, play little games (such as being hot or cold) but as long as he continues to enjoy your company, there is a chance it'll turn into something. But if sex is not a high priority to him (and you'd be surprised how often that's the case) he really has no incentive to be more aggressive. My guess is that he's loving the whole courtship phase without commitment, and will keep it up.
You moving out will give you some indication if his current approach is only because the whole situation is just too easy (you're there, so why not?) or if he actually puts effort into pursuing you. How it will turn out I can't say, but you'll probably get a better idea once you move out.
PS. As for your other question, send me an email address that I can respond to and I'll be happy to give you the information.
He rarely calls
Submitted on Tuesday, July 07, 2009
By: Stephanie
Age: 42
Location: CA
Question: I have been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks now. We get along great and see each other as soon much as possible. He lives about 30 minutes away and we both have children. He text messages me several times a day. He rarely calls. We get along great when we are together. We have had sex several times, ever since he told me that he wanted to shut his online dating profile down and see where this could go. He told me that I was a keeper. I am just wondering is text messaging and calling to a guy the same? If so, how do I tell him that I would also like to talk to him in the phone, without sounding needy!!! I know I receive at least 3-4 text messages a day just to say hi or to ask what is going on. Also how do I know it is not just for sex? I am pretty sure it is not, due to him being very attentive, his profile has been shut down and all the text messages. Any advice is appreciated. thanks
VictorM's advice:
Dating is a process of getting to know each other. Now you know this guy doesn't like the phone. Congrats! Your dating has yielded at least one good piece of information about him.
Next, you will find out that most likely the several texts a day will turn into several texts a week, and then a month. It's just the way it is. Guys aren't much into all this communicating crap and as soon as he's secure about your relationship, the contacts will decline.
If there is a behavior about him that you would like to see changed, do it with positive feedback, not with reprimands. "I love hearing your voice... call me whenever you can." And when he does, make sure you reward him with recognition.
But be prepared... getting a guy to call or text after several weeks will be like pulling teeth. It's not just this guy; it's most of us.
By: Stephanie
Age: 42
Location: CA
Question: I have been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks now. We get along great and see each other as soon much as possible. He lives about 30 minutes away and we both have children. He text messages me several times a day. He rarely calls. We get along great when we are together. We have had sex several times, ever since he told me that he wanted to shut his online dating profile down and see where this could go. He told me that I was a keeper. I am just wondering is text messaging and calling to a guy the same? If so, how do I tell him that I would also like to talk to him in the phone, without sounding needy!!! I know I receive at least 3-4 text messages a day just to say hi or to ask what is going on. Also how do I know it is not just for sex? I am pretty sure it is not, due to him being very attentive, his profile has been shut down and all the text messages. Any advice is appreciated. thanks
VictorM's advice:
Dating is a process of getting to know each other. Now you know this guy doesn't like the phone. Congrats! Your dating has yielded at least one good piece of information about him.
Next, you will find out that most likely the several texts a day will turn into several texts a week, and then a month. It's just the way it is. Guys aren't much into all this communicating crap and as soon as he's secure about your relationship, the contacts will decline.
If there is a behavior about him that you would like to see changed, do it with positive feedback, not with reprimands. "I love hearing your voice... call me whenever you can." And when he does, make sure you reward him with recognition.
But be prepared... getting a guy to call or text after several weeks will be like pulling teeth. It's not just this guy; it's most of us.
He was torn between me and his mother
Submitted on Tuesday, July 07, 2009
By: Shattered
Question: I was in a relationship for almost three years. We're in our forties, but I am a few years older than him. We lived together on the east coast in my home state where we met. My fiance was from the west coast. He had always planned to return but stayed about two years longer than he had planned with me. Once he told me that he was torn between me and his mother. They are extremely close. Towards the end of our relationship, he proposed to me on bended knee in a nice restaurant. My parents were present. I had thought that it was just another night out for dinner with them. Afterward, we moved to his home state on the west coast. I gave up my job of several years and gave away of my possessions. We were to stay with his mother for a brief period of time, until he purchased a small home. I knew his immediate family on both sides of the country from previous trips together and completely adored his mother.
I have to interject here that about a month after arriving, my fiance and I had a heated moment where I made the statement that I wanted to go back to my home state. It sticks out in my mind because he yelled at me saying that I was his life and that he was never going to let me go. How do you argue with that? I just felt loved. Approximately, two months later, at a cookout, he asked a good friend who was a musician if they would sing a song or two at our wedding. Two days later, I was scheduled to fly out to my home state for two weeks to tie up some loose ends. While I was in my home state, my fiance called me every night. This was the norm for him. However, after being in my home state for about a week, he mentioned during one of his calls that he wanted to postpone the wedding. He had a couple of reasons that were sound, such as securing our new home, etc. He had had a discussion with his mother. Though I hid my feelings from him, my initial thoughts were, "we not going to get married." I felt that it was possible that I was wrong and told myself not to over analyze things. Anyway, he continued to call every night until I caught a morning flight to come home. His mother picked me up at the airport. When my fiance got off of work and came home, things didn't feel right. He didn't act thrilled to see me after being gone two weeks. He just came in, looked at me, and said "hi". A few minutes later he did come sit beside me on the couch briefly and give me a kiss. Again, I decided not make anything out it. Over the next five weeks he became shorter about some things and indifferent about others. He was more irritable. I thought that it was work. Anyway, what it comes down to is that four months after he proposed to me and five weeks after I returned from my two week trip, he called off the engagement. In fact, he yelled it at me. Afterward, he was horribly cruel with his words. He gave me two weeks to get my belongings and get out. He was so mean to me all the time. If I tried to stay out of the way, it made no difference. He would come over to me and hassle me with cruel words. If I softly spoke to him, he would find a way to hurt me in retort to what I said. I absolutely did not know this man that was before me. I was in shock. For this reason, I only stayed in the house less than a week. I couldn't take his cruel words any longer. I had no job, I did not know the city, and I did not know anyone except him and his family. I was devastated. I remained stuck in that state for another 1 1/2 years. I had to get a roof over my head and find a job so that I could start trying to save up some money to get myself back home. In the meantime, my ex-fiance would call me several times a week. He said that he wanted to be friends. Over time the calls became less frequent. For most of the time, his calls were at least once a week. He always kept the conversation light. It actually became like a set dialogue about the same topics. I had to be very careful about what I asked or said. The same wasn't true for him! When I asked him who he was voting for in the last Presidential election, he asked me if the question was appropriate. Excuse me?? We only slept in the same bed for three years.
Anyway, we had spoken four times this past February. Twice, because he was bored in his hospital room where they were running some tests and he wanted to bend my ear about his pain and ordeal. After that I didn't hear from him for three months until he sent me email wishing me a Happy Birthday. Then he stated that if I wanted to, I could give him a call sometime. It would be good to hear from me. That was a month ago.
My question is, "Why would a man go from Jekyll to Hyde the way that he did?" What changed in four months after three years? He was so loving all those years. Then he was a person that I did not even recognize. While he was verbally abusing me, it was all my fault. However, he never made it clear exactly what he felt my faults were. He would make comments about how I lost a good one...referring to himself. A long time after I had moved out, he stated that he just didn't feel like we were going anywhere. He said that we were not compatible. What? After three years? Why did he ever propose? As I said earlier, "what changes in four months after knowing someone for three years?" I know that he always wanted children. I can't have any except through invitro. So, I asked him if it was because of not being able to bear children. He insisted, "No, I have always known that we would not have children." Then I asked if had embarrassed him. Once again, the answer was no. I have not been able to find closure because his reasons are so vague. The shock of it all was earth shattering. It was so sudden and I was literally blind-sided. The impact was too much for my mind to handle and I wound up with a diagnosis of PTSD which merged into major depressive disorder. It's been almost two years and I am happy to say that I am recovering.
At this venue, I would like to ask you what you feel from a man's perspective happened? I can assure you that there was no other woman involved. Trust me, this much I am absolutely sure of. It would have been easier to wrap my head around if it were. However, the way he treated me made it about me. It would have been nice if he had just said he loved me but that he wanted children. I could also live with that. One of the things he said when he was being cruel, was that no other man would ever want me except to **** me. He would scream, "Get the **** out of his life." This coming from the man I adored who would cuddle and talk baby talk to me. The man who said he wanted to die with me. The man who proposed to me and moved me away from home to, as he put it, "Start our new life together." In my mind's eye, there are two completely different men. He ripped away my sense of self-worth and shattered my spirit. Can you shed some light on this or is this much deeper on a psychological level?
Thank you for your time.
VictorM's advice:
When I called this page "Ask A Real Guy," I intended for it to be mainly explanations of the behavior of your typical "real guy," which I meant more along the lines of basically "normal guys." The guy you described doesn't fit that description. It probably would require the help of a mental health professional, someone much more qualified than I am, to explain his behavior.
Having said that, the best explanation I can come up with is that some people can have different personalities to the point that one personality doesn't betray the other(s) unless there is some trigger. We see this quite often with serial killers (not that I'm trying to equate him with one) but we often hear neighbors say they never suspected such a person could commit such crimes because they seemed so normal.
I understand your need to try and understand, but you're trying to find a rational explanation for an irrational action. It won't work. Behaviors like his are beyond normal, and therefore hard for us to comprehend. This isn't a case of jealousy, or losing interest, or finding another lover... your boyfriend is a mental case that most of us simply can't understand.
I will say, however, that there was a clue. When I read your submission, the moment I reached the line "he was torn between me and his mother" I knew this story wasn't going to have a happy ending. There is a chemistry there, between son and mother, that is almost a giant billboard for dysfunctional behavior. Indeed, I submit to you that the problems have nothing to do with you directly, but more with you having interfered with that dysfunctional chemistry.
Consider yourself happy that you are out of that abyss of dysfunction, even if you have suffered quite a bit -- it could have been worse.
By: Shattered
Question: I was in a relationship for almost three years. We're in our forties, but I am a few years older than him. We lived together on the east coast in my home state where we met. My fiance was from the west coast. He had always planned to return but stayed about two years longer than he had planned with me. Once he told me that he was torn between me and his mother. They are extremely close. Towards the end of our relationship, he proposed to me on bended knee in a nice restaurant. My parents were present. I had thought that it was just another night out for dinner with them. Afterward, we moved to his home state on the west coast. I gave up my job of several years and gave away of my possessions. We were to stay with his mother for a brief period of time, until he purchased a small home. I knew his immediate family on both sides of the country from previous trips together and completely adored his mother.
I have to interject here that about a month after arriving, my fiance and I had a heated moment where I made the statement that I wanted to go back to my home state. It sticks out in my mind because he yelled at me saying that I was his life and that he was never going to let me go. How do you argue with that? I just felt loved. Approximately, two months later, at a cookout, he asked a good friend who was a musician if they would sing a song or two at our wedding. Two days later, I was scheduled to fly out to my home state for two weeks to tie up some loose ends. While I was in my home state, my fiance called me every night. This was the norm for him. However, after being in my home state for about a week, he mentioned during one of his calls that he wanted to postpone the wedding. He had a couple of reasons that were sound, such as securing our new home, etc. He had had a discussion with his mother. Though I hid my feelings from him, my initial thoughts were, "we not going to get married." I felt that it was possible that I was wrong and told myself not to over analyze things. Anyway, he continued to call every night until I caught a morning flight to come home. His mother picked me up at the airport. When my fiance got off of work and came home, things didn't feel right. He didn't act thrilled to see me after being gone two weeks. He just came in, looked at me, and said "hi". A few minutes later he did come sit beside me on the couch briefly and give me a kiss. Again, I decided not make anything out it. Over the next five weeks he became shorter about some things and indifferent about others. He was more irritable. I thought that it was work. Anyway, what it comes down to is that four months after he proposed to me and five weeks after I returned from my two week trip, he called off the engagement. In fact, he yelled it at me. Afterward, he was horribly cruel with his words. He gave me two weeks to get my belongings and get out. He was so mean to me all the time. If I tried to stay out of the way, it made no difference. He would come over to me and hassle me with cruel words. If I softly spoke to him, he would find a way to hurt me in retort to what I said. I absolutely did not know this man that was before me. I was in shock. For this reason, I only stayed in the house less than a week. I couldn't take his cruel words any longer. I had no job, I did not know the city, and I did not know anyone except him and his family. I was devastated. I remained stuck in that state for another 1 1/2 years. I had to get a roof over my head and find a job so that I could start trying to save up some money to get myself back home. In the meantime, my ex-fiance would call me several times a week. He said that he wanted to be friends. Over time the calls became less frequent. For most of the time, his calls were at least once a week. He always kept the conversation light. It actually became like a set dialogue about the same topics. I had to be very careful about what I asked or said. The same wasn't true for him! When I asked him who he was voting for in the last Presidential election, he asked me if the question was appropriate. Excuse me?? We only slept in the same bed for three years.
Anyway, we had spoken four times this past February. Twice, because he was bored in his hospital room where they were running some tests and he wanted to bend my ear about his pain and ordeal. After that I didn't hear from him for three months until he sent me email wishing me a Happy Birthday. Then he stated that if I wanted to, I could give him a call sometime. It would be good to hear from me. That was a month ago.
My question is, "Why would a man go from Jekyll to Hyde the way that he did?" What changed in four months after three years? He was so loving all those years. Then he was a person that I did not even recognize. While he was verbally abusing me, it was all my fault. However, he never made it clear exactly what he felt my faults were. He would make comments about how I lost a good one...referring to himself. A long time after I had moved out, he stated that he just didn't feel like we were going anywhere. He said that we were not compatible. What? After three years? Why did he ever propose? As I said earlier, "what changes in four months after knowing someone for three years?" I know that he always wanted children. I can't have any except through invitro. So, I asked him if it was because of not being able to bear children. He insisted, "No, I have always known that we would not have children." Then I asked if had embarrassed him. Once again, the answer was no. I have not been able to find closure because his reasons are so vague. The shock of it all was earth shattering. It was so sudden and I was literally blind-sided. The impact was too much for my mind to handle and I wound up with a diagnosis of PTSD which merged into major depressive disorder. It's been almost two years and I am happy to say that I am recovering.
At this venue, I would like to ask you what you feel from a man's perspective happened? I can assure you that there was no other woman involved. Trust me, this much I am absolutely sure of. It would have been easier to wrap my head around if it were. However, the way he treated me made it about me. It would have been nice if he had just said he loved me but that he wanted children. I could also live with that. One of the things he said when he was being cruel, was that no other man would ever want me except to **** me. He would scream, "Get the **** out of his life." This coming from the man I adored who would cuddle and talk baby talk to me. The man who said he wanted to die with me. The man who proposed to me and moved me away from home to, as he put it, "Start our new life together." In my mind's eye, there are two completely different men. He ripped away my sense of self-worth and shattered my spirit. Can you shed some light on this or is this much deeper on a psychological level?
Thank you for your time.
VictorM's advice:
When I called this page "Ask A Real Guy," I intended for it to be mainly explanations of the behavior of your typical "real guy," which I meant more along the lines of basically "normal guys." The guy you described doesn't fit that description. It probably would require the help of a mental health professional, someone much more qualified than I am, to explain his behavior.
Having said that, the best explanation I can come up with is that some people can have different personalities to the point that one personality doesn't betray the other(s) unless there is some trigger. We see this quite often with serial killers (not that I'm trying to equate him with one) but we often hear neighbors say they never suspected such a person could commit such crimes because they seemed so normal.
I understand your need to try and understand, but you're trying to find a rational explanation for an irrational action. It won't work. Behaviors like his are beyond normal, and therefore hard for us to comprehend. This isn't a case of jealousy, or losing interest, or finding another lover... your boyfriend is a mental case that most of us simply can't understand.
I will say, however, that there was a clue. When I read your submission, the moment I reached the line "he was torn between me and his mother" I knew this story wasn't going to have a happy ending. There is a chemistry there, between son and mother, that is almost a giant billboard for dysfunctional behavior. Indeed, I submit to you that the problems have nothing to do with you directly, but more with you having interfered with that dysfunctional chemistry.
Consider yourself happy that you are out of that abyss of dysfunction, even if you have suffered quite a bit -- it could have been worse.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
We have been on and off for 3 and a half years
Submitted on Monday, July 06, 2009
By: Joanie
Age: 36
Location: Illinois
Question: Hello I am a 36 year old woman who is divorced with 4 kids. I met my ex-boyfriend 3 weeks after my husband filed for divorce. We have been on and off for 3 and a half years. Our relationship has not been good from the get go. we both have trust issues and fought constantly. However, I have never met anyone that I am more connected to than him. . .if that makes any sense. So much has happened that it would literally take me all day to tell, so I will give you the latest. Like I said, we had been on and off over the past 3 and a half years. He has a history of getting in contact with ex-girlfriends whenever we fight and find comfort in them. In October of 2007, I started talking to a man who was married but in the process of filing for divorce. We were seeing each other while he was still living at home with his wife and kids. He kept telling me he was leaving(even put the house an the market) but always had a reason as to why he hadn't done it yet. In March 2008 (while still talking to the married man) I reconnected with my ex-boyfriend. I felt so guilty that I was seeing both of them at the same time, but I was sure that my ex was still seeing his ex and low and behold he was. He said it wasn't a sexual thing just someone to hang out with and that they were just friends. So this made me justify not ending things with the married guy. In August 2008, I became pregnant with my 4th child. I did not know who the father was but I let both of them know right away that I had been seeing both of them at the same time. I am ashamed of myself now. I think I was doing it to hurt my ex for all of the times he has cheated and lied to me. . .it was sweet revenge until it backfired on me with the pregnancy. The married guy wanted me to have an abortion but my ex did not because of the chance it could be his, so I went through with the pregnancy. My ex said he would be there for me. I pushed him away quite a bit because I did not want him to get attached to me in case if the baby wasnt his, plus we continued to fight and the name calling got worse. November 2008, we got into a huge fight and he went out to the bar in town and told everyone my secret (we are in a small town). We had decided from the git go that we werent going to say anything to anyone about the baby possibly being the married man's because we did not want my kids to find out and he said that he would probably want to raise him as his own anyway because he loved me. Sounds like a good guy right? Well until the night he went out to the bar and told everyone. On top of that, he had sent my 16 year old a text message telling her everything! I was devastated. He called me that night and told me that he hoped that I die. I quit talking to him until after Christmas and I forgave him. Then we got into another fight after New Years and didnt talk for 3 weeks. He said he was seeing someone else. Then one day in February he contacted me and told me that he lied and made up the new girl because he was hurt. I took him back. We were together for the rest of the pregnancy and he was there for the delivery in April. We had a paternity test done and found out the baby wasn't his. He said he didnt care and that he wanted to be there for me and the baby and that he loved him like his own. We did tell the married man and he did not care that the baby was here. We ended up just telling people that the baby was my exes. At the beginning of May, we were at my sons ball game and a guy that I had gone on one date with over 2 years ago when we were split up was there. He kept asking me if I f***** him and I said no. He started calling me a liar. Told me that maybe I was still f****** the married guy too and that he ought to just start telling everyone. He was talking really loud and kept saying that the baby was not his and kept saying the married guys name. I don't know if anyone heard but he was talking pretty loud. I told him to stop before someone heard and he said that he didn't care that the kid wasn't his anyway and could care less if the baby died. I started to cry and left the ball field. He apologized later and said that he was mad and didnt mean it. At the end of May, my ex and I had a huge blow out when we left a friends house. I caught him in another lie. I confronted him about it as we were driving home. When we got to my house, he started yelling at me, turning things around on me. He threw the baby's bottle at the wall and made a hole, he threw the care seat at the wall and made 2 more holes, he busted up one of my kitchen chairs, kicked in one of my cabinet doors, cracked my garage door and busted the mold around it, the baby was hungry and crying I tried to make a bottle for him and he dumped all the formula out and said he didnt give a f***if he was hungry and that he didnt care if my baby died and that he ought to go in there and bash his skull in so he would shut up. My ex has been verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive to me throughout our relationship (about 95% was verbal and emotional). But it had been a while since he had destroyed anything in my home. I would not let him have the baby. I was holding him to calm him down while he was crying. He told me to let him have him and I said no because I didnt want him to hurt him. He said "oh duh, like I would really do that". I didn't call the cops because for some sick reason on my part, I did not want to get him into trouble because he is an attorney and I didn't want him to lose his job. Thank goodness my other kids were at their dad's. He left and left me with a mess to fix. I called him the next day and asked if he was going to fix my stuff and he said f you and told me to figure it out myself. A day later he gave me a check for a thousand dollars and said to use it to fix my house. He has started dating a girl he met in January. I knew he had met her and that their relationship was strictly professional and they had contact through his work email. He left that employer in Feb for a new job. I asked how he got conncted with her again and he said she emailed him asking about his new job. I asked him how she did that when all she had was his old work email. He said he gave her his personal email when he left. Well, when he left in Feb for his new job, we were back together. Go figure.Has he been talking to her the whole time? He was with me all of the time until the end of May and then she magically gets a hold of him? Am I stupid? Oh would someone please give me some advice??? He is trying to tell me that if I hadn't f***** a married man he wouldn't act the way he does. Says it is my fault. Trust me I am very ashamed of myself.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if you're stupid but I think you're crazy. One of the definitions of crazy is doing the same thing over and over each time expecting different results. Your relationship with this jerk keeps producing the same results and yet, you are "connected" to him. That's insanity.
There's nothing I can say that will change anything. If you aren't capable of making a clean break from a man who is nothing but poison in your life, I doubt any words of mine will make a difference.
To answer one of your questions, yes, this is all your fault because everything bad that has happened to you has happened of your own free will. With each step of the way you've had a chance to make the right moves and you keep making the wrong ones. And the power to correct things is still under your control.
By: Joanie
Age: 36
Location: Illinois
Question: Hello I am a 36 year old woman who is divorced with 4 kids. I met my ex-boyfriend 3 weeks after my husband filed for divorce. We have been on and off for 3 and a half years. Our relationship has not been good from the get go. we both have trust issues and fought constantly. However, I have never met anyone that I am more connected to than him. . .if that makes any sense. So much has happened that it would literally take me all day to tell, so I will give you the latest. Like I said, we had been on and off over the past 3 and a half years. He has a history of getting in contact with ex-girlfriends whenever we fight and find comfort in them. In October of 2007, I started talking to a man who was married but in the process of filing for divorce. We were seeing each other while he was still living at home with his wife and kids. He kept telling me he was leaving(even put the house an the market) but always had a reason as to why he hadn't done it yet. In March 2008 (while still talking to the married man) I reconnected with my ex-boyfriend. I felt so guilty that I was seeing both of them at the same time, but I was sure that my ex was still seeing his ex and low and behold he was. He said it wasn't a sexual thing just someone to hang out with and that they were just friends. So this made me justify not ending things with the married guy. In August 2008, I became pregnant with my 4th child. I did not know who the father was but I let both of them know right away that I had been seeing both of them at the same time. I am ashamed of myself now. I think I was doing it to hurt my ex for all of the times he has cheated and lied to me. . .it was sweet revenge until it backfired on me with the pregnancy. The married guy wanted me to have an abortion but my ex did not because of the chance it could be his, so I went through with the pregnancy. My ex said he would be there for me. I pushed him away quite a bit because I did not want him to get attached to me in case if the baby wasnt his, plus we continued to fight and the name calling got worse. November 2008, we got into a huge fight and he went out to the bar in town and told everyone my secret (we are in a small town). We had decided from the git go that we werent going to say anything to anyone about the baby possibly being the married man's because we did not want my kids to find out and he said that he would probably want to raise him as his own anyway because he loved me. Sounds like a good guy right? Well until the night he went out to the bar and told everyone. On top of that, he had sent my 16 year old a text message telling her everything! I was devastated. He called me that night and told me that he hoped that I die. I quit talking to him until after Christmas and I forgave him. Then we got into another fight after New Years and didnt talk for 3 weeks. He said he was seeing someone else. Then one day in February he contacted me and told me that he lied and made up the new girl because he was hurt. I took him back. We were together for the rest of the pregnancy and he was there for the delivery in April. We had a paternity test done and found out the baby wasn't his. He said he didnt care and that he wanted to be there for me and the baby and that he loved him like his own. We did tell the married man and he did not care that the baby was here. We ended up just telling people that the baby was my exes. At the beginning of May, we were at my sons ball game and a guy that I had gone on one date with over 2 years ago when we were split up was there. He kept asking me if I f***** him and I said no. He started calling me a liar. Told me that maybe I was still f****** the married guy too and that he ought to just start telling everyone. He was talking really loud and kept saying that the baby was not his and kept saying the married guys name. I don't know if anyone heard but he was talking pretty loud. I told him to stop before someone heard and he said that he didn't care that the kid wasn't his anyway and could care less if the baby died. I started to cry and left the ball field. He apologized later and said that he was mad and didnt mean it. At the end of May, my ex and I had a huge blow out when we left a friends house. I caught him in another lie. I confronted him about it as we were driving home. When we got to my house, he started yelling at me, turning things around on me. He threw the baby's bottle at the wall and made a hole, he threw the care seat at the wall and made 2 more holes, he busted up one of my kitchen chairs, kicked in one of my cabinet doors, cracked my garage door and busted the mold around it, the baby was hungry and crying I tried to make a bottle for him and he dumped all the formula out and said he didnt give a f***if he was hungry and that he didnt care if my baby died and that he ought to go in there and bash his skull in so he would shut up. My ex has been verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive to me throughout our relationship (about 95% was verbal and emotional). But it had been a while since he had destroyed anything in my home. I would not let him have the baby. I was holding him to calm him down while he was crying. He told me to let him have him and I said no because I didnt want him to hurt him. He said "oh duh, like I would really do that". I didn't call the cops because for some sick reason on my part, I did not want to get him into trouble because he is an attorney and I didn't want him to lose his job. Thank goodness my other kids were at their dad's. He left and left me with a mess to fix. I called him the next day and asked if he was going to fix my stuff and he said f you and told me to figure it out myself. A day later he gave me a check for a thousand dollars and said to use it to fix my house. He has started dating a girl he met in January. I knew he had met her and that their relationship was strictly professional and they had contact through his work email. He left that employer in Feb for a new job. I asked how he got conncted with her again and he said she emailed him asking about his new job. I asked him how she did that when all she had was his old work email. He said he gave her his personal email when he left. Well, when he left in Feb for his new job, we were back together. Go figure.Has he been talking to her the whole time? He was with me all of the time until the end of May and then she magically gets a hold of him? Am I stupid? Oh would someone please give me some advice??? He is trying to tell me that if I hadn't f***** a married man he wouldn't act the way he does. Says it is my fault. Trust me I am very ashamed of myself.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if you're stupid but I think you're crazy. One of the definitions of crazy is doing the same thing over and over each time expecting different results. Your relationship with this jerk keeps producing the same results and yet, you are "connected" to him. That's insanity.
There's nothing I can say that will change anything. If you aren't capable of making a clean break from a man who is nothing but poison in your life, I doubt any words of mine will make a difference.
To answer one of your questions, yes, this is all your fault because everything bad that has happened to you has happened of your own free will. With each step of the way you've had a chance to make the right moves and you keep making the wrong ones. And the power to correct things is still under your control.
Confidential to Jessica, 21, from New Hampshire
Guys are never interested in a girl for purely friendship reasons. He's close to you because he sees some potential. But, while girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as a loss of freedom, so they're usually not in much of a rush to get tied down. Being buddies suits a guy for a while.
You're bickering with him... why? Sounds like he's right about you not being able to handle what happened.
Every guy is different. This one is not responsible for what some other guy did in the past and there is nothing that says he's going to behave just like the other guy. If you are unable to see that and deal with it accordingly, you are going to poison any relationship you get involved with. Work to deal with that.
Before you discuss your concerns with him, make sure you understand the motivation of your concerns and aren't asking him to do something he has been clear about he doesn't want to do, otherwise you run the risk of spoiling it all.
The chances for disappointment are always present when you give your heart to someone. Always. Seeking assurances that it won't happen is a waste of time.
You're bickering with him... why? Sounds like he's right about you not being able to handle what happened.
Every guy is different. This one is not responsible for what some other guy did in the past and there is nothing that says he's going to behave just like the other guy. If you are unable to see that and deal with it accordingly, you are going to poison any relationship you get involved with. Work to deal with that.
Before you discuss your concerns with him, make sure you understand the motivation of your concerns and aren't asking him to do something he has been clear about he doesn't want to do, otherwise you run the risk of spoiling it all.
The chances for disappointment are always present when you give your heart to someone. Always. Seeking assurances that it won't happen is a waste of time.
Monday, July 06, 2009
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I'm back from vacation and the submit form is open for new questions.
