Submitted on Thursday, June 18, 2009
By: Ann
Age: 31
Location: US
Question: I'm 31, but I've only been single about a year and half. I was married for 12 years, my husband and I were high school sweethearts. So, I've never dated before. After I kicked my husband out last year, I kinda had some fun with my new found freedom. I hooked up a little. Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I'm kinda ready to actually date and possibly have a relationship with someone.

So, anyway, there is this guy I met at work. I've been really against going out with someone from work, but I thought what the hell. I work in a setting where we don't really see each other much, so if it didn't work out, it wouldn't be too weird. We actually met last July when he was working in my area. I thought he was cute and nice, a little shy. He was new, so I was friendly and tried to make him feel welcome. He was there a few weeks and then I didn't see him again until like February. He was working in my area again for a few weeks. We talked some and flirted a little.

Then I didn't see him again until May. We ran into each other. I finally got up the nerve to give him my phone number. So, he called me the next day and we went out to dinner. We had a nice time, we talked for hours. He was, I thought, a little shy. I wasn't sure how much he liked me. He didn't try anything all night. Then on the way home, he, very timidly, reached over to hold my hand in the car after I had kinda "accidentally" brushed his arm, trying to get some kind of physical contact reaction.

Anyway, I as I said, have a history of hooking up. I did not want that to happen. I like this guy and I didn't want to make a bad impression, ie: that I'm a slut. So, I thought it was going to be a piece cake, he hadn't made any moves, other than holding my hand. Then came the goodnight kiss. We were in the car and he leaned over and kissed me and then practically attacked me. He was all over me. I tried to push him off and tried to say no. But come on, who am kidding, I didn't mind it.

So, we ended up back at his place. And I think you can figure out the rest. We talked on the phone a couple days later. And about a week after the first date, I went to his place to watch a movie. I think we watched about 15 minutes of the movie. And I was the one that made the first move. I have talked to him a few times since then. I just talked to him last on Mon. We haven't seen each other, however. I'm kinda hoping we'll go out this weekend.

The thing is, I think I totally f'ed up. Cuz I actually like this guy. But I'm afraid that I made a really bad impression. What do you, as a guy, think he actually thinks of me? I don't want him to think that all I want is sex, but I think it might be a little too late for that.

VictorM's advice:

Hard to say. This can go either way. Yeah, generally the girl being too easy can be a turn off to guys, but in this case, you have known each other for a while, sex is a little more expected in your age bracket, and I think there's something about having been married before that guys process as someone more capable of handling sex. And further, lots of guys like a sexually motivated woman, so that could play in your favor, depending on his mind set.

Just have fun and see where it leads.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 17, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: haha i tried to go a whole week without contacting you, but as you can see, i couldn't make it. you are too helpful! anyway, this question is about the guy i told you about who i met on vacation and who is visiting soon. i had two questions. first, how often should he be calling me beforehand? i read about some of these long distance relationships where the guy is calling everyday, and he has not even called me once this week! he told me he was very busy and would not be calling me a lot so i guess i could expect that, but should i worry if i don't even hear from him once until he calls to plan out our trip? (and yes, he already has his ticket to come here so that's settled). and also, should i be contacting him at all or just wait for him to contact me? and i know this isn't really a long distance relationship yet, because we just met and this is kind of like going to be our first date when he comes to visit.

ok, my second question is, what can i do while he is here to keep him interested and not sick of me. he is going to be here for three days, and one of the days we are going to my friends party out of town, but the rest of the time, it will be just the two of us, as the song goes. like how can i keep it fun and interesting, and keep up his interest in me?

thanks!!!

VictorM's advice:

You're such an ass kisser, Ellie! :-p

He said he was busy, so no contact doesn't sound out of the ordinary. But this is a lousy omen for a possible long distance relationship. Why you're even considering it is beyond me. He's too busy to call you? During the period when most guys are most aggressive about making a good impression? I don't buy it. You're a booty call and you know it. If you don't know it, you should think about it seriously.

Three days together can be a nightmare. Make sure you built enough alone time during each day. Don't be together ALL THE TIME. The guy is going to need time alone to catch up on his farting and picking his nose, or some other odd behavior like that.

Find out things that he likes, like sports or movies, things that you can do together but not have to talk to each other all the time.

But then again, he's mostly going to try to get you in bed. Mark my words.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 17, 2009
By: Rayanne
Age: 35
Location: PA
Question: Hi Victor,
I've met someone new....on the internet :-\ Yeah, yeah, I've heard how you feel about internet dating, but my dating pool is non-existent and I've met a few really nice guys on the internet so I continue to do it.

The guy I am currently talking to is deployed to Iraq until the end of July. When he's back stateside he's permanently located at a base nearby so he won't be shipped off to another location anytime soon. We have been emailing, IMing or talking on the phone every night for a month. Now, granted, I completely understand that he's bored out of his mind over there and I'm sure I'm giving him something to do for his last month in such a desolate place. I also have read your advice that guys can't do long distance, they need touch and to be close.

I want to take things slow, be cautious, see how things go when he gets home. I am a bit hesitant because it doesn't seem plausible to have any sort idea whether things will work if we've never met in person. He is completely the opposite, head over heels for me, tells me exactly how he feels all the time, that I'm exactly what he's been looking for, he wants to settle down, talks about the future, kids, wedding, trips we're going to take etc. Everything a girl wants to hear, but I'm having a hard time taking him seriously. We really don't have anything to do right now except talk and ask questions, so we've moved right to some serious topics that usually don't get discussed until well into a relationship.

Am I delusional in thinking this guy might actually mean everything he's saying? Or is it that I have relieved his boredom for a bit, and it's his infatuation talking? I guess I will never really know for sure until he's home, but I wanted to get your thoughts from a guy's perspective. Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Chances are that he means what he's saying, but if you believe it, of course you're delusional. You have been chatting for one month... ONE MONTH... and he knows you're exactly what he's been looking for, kids, wedding, blah blah blah... COME ON, NOW! You know better.

You clearly have read this site enough to know how guys get in the early stages of a relationship. And one month, specially online, is nothing. For crying out loud, this guy has no idea if you chew with your mouth open, if you fart while watching movies, if you have bad breath, if you smell like rotten fish down there... and you're everything he's been looking for?

You're both just living a fantasy. Filling in the unknowns with hopes of perfection and in the process, setting yourselves up for disappointment. Neither one of you can live up to the hype you're making up in your heads.

But... hey, as they say about the lottery... you never know. If you have no better options, July isn't that far off. You might as well see how it pans out. But please, get your feet back on the ground.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 17, 2009
By: TRYING TO LET GO
Age: 43
Location: NY
Question: I met a guy and although he didn't have his life together I still started a friends with benefits relationship thinking as in the past I could control my feeling I even told him that even if I fall in love I won't commit if things aren't right. He is a really great guy and I can honestly say that if the finances were straight we would have a great relationship. Since the finances aren't straight it causes me to doubt his motives for being with me, although I'm not rich I do have a decent job and own a home I have more than he does and he benefits financially from being with me ie he's able to do things he wouldn't be able to do without my support. Due to me doubting his motives I have a big problem with him staying in touch and even seeing one of his ex's now they haven't been together in ten years but when we started seeing each other before we committed he went to visit her and her daughter (he thinks of her as his daughter- was in the delivery room, has her name tattooed on his back) out of state in their home.

One day he called me from her phone I called him back within 2 mins and the ex answered the phone I asked to speak to him and she proceeds to say here baby and give him the phone. Now he had already told her about me and how much he cared for me etc. So at the very least she's a trouble maker and has done stuff like this to him in the past, although I do believe they did sleep together during that visit he hasn't admitted or denied it when asked. due to her track record of not knowing what to say out of her mouth I don't want her or her daughter in my life he on the other hand doesn't understand why I'm still pissed (the baby incident happened almost 2 years ago) and when it happened he said well she didn't mean anything, I'm overreacting, she calls everyone baby just a bunch of excuses he has since admitted that she was out of line and says he told her as much she brushed it off as no big deal.

A few months later he casually mentioned he was going to visit again and I told him to wait until he moves out cuz he can't come back to my house after laying up with his ex again. He says I'm not going to leave you and I've explained I'm not worried about him leaving but of him cheating.

I am seriously thinking of ending the relationship. We disagree about contact with ex's and opposite sex friends. I feel he will stay but cheat if the mood hits him cuz although I do believe he cares for me a lot sometimes his actions don't show it which causes the doubts to explode. I am really torn scared and hurt and wish I could go back to the day before we met and skip my regrets and doubts about his motive. Any insight would be greatly appreciated

VictorM's advice:

Funny... you start by saying he's a great guy and, except for finances, you could have a great relationship. And then you go on to show how those statements are utter nonsense -- he's not a great and your relationship would still suck if he had money. You are delusional about your prospects with this guy.

His messing around with the ex, defending her, visiting her, his treatment of other females, etc. -- by the way, all issues unrelated to money -- are the characteristics of someone who does not consider your feelings. And since this has been going on for years, nothing is going to change. Nothing. Unless you do something about it.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009
By: John
Age: 25
Location: South Korea
Question: I am back once again! Here's an update: We've begun hanging out for the past three weeks. Things are great when we do hang out. There's comfort, great conversation and mild affection. We have discussed our problems and have talked about working together to get over them. BUT! There are some issues. I feel as though she is playing games. I stay over her place, we spend A LOT of time together and I try to show some affection or intimacy and she never reciprocates. Forget about saying I love you or trying to hold her hand. She'll kiss me and she'll stop it at that. We are about to embark on a week-long vacation at one of the most romantic destinations in the world and she has stated that there shouldn't be any expectations regarding intimacy. Now, don't skip ahead and think this is purely about sex. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she likes spending time with me, kisses me, shows me affection from time to time but doesn't reply when I say I love you or has a hard time showing her affection. I feel like she's playing games. I feel like she enjoys the companionship and the company but doesn't want to expose her true feelings. I can't read through the blurry fog. Is it that she just needs more time, or is this something that will never be fixed? I am beginning to lose patience because it is an uphill battle with her lobbing emotional grenades at me. Advice would be nice :)

VictorM's advice:

I'm sure female readers will chime in as usual with their point of view.

I have somewhat stayed out of this... until now. So here's a take from a male's point of view.

Look, John, what you did before was wrong, but by no means, so terrible. I think your girlfriend (can we even call her that if she refuses intimacy?) is not just acting wounded and hurt; I think she's punishing you exercising emotional blackmail. If she doesn't want to be with you, fine, she should say so. But everything else is just exploiting the situation.

The more you talk about it and the more you put up with it, the more that event takes center stage in your lives when in essence, it should be fading. If she needs more time to deal with it, she should do so alone. I think it's time for you, once and for all, say something like: I made a terrible mistake. I know it. I feel terrible about and what is has done to us. I want to make amends but if we're not giving us a fair chance at making things better, I'm not willing to pay for this for the rest of my life and to have to apologize every step of the way. If we're not going to use our energies to make things better, what's the point? Intimacy is part of a relationship, if you're not ready for it, fine. Let's cancel the trip. Let's step back. Let me know when you're ready to give me a chance, not another opportunity for you to punish me.

Look, if she can squeeze you this hard and get away with it, she will do it over and over with the many mistakes you're likely to make in the future. If she's not the kind of person who can get over these things in a reasonable fashion, you're going to have more problems than you can imagine.

Enough already! You did a dumb thing. We can all agreed on that. But it's not like you had an affair with her sister or her mother, for crying out loud. This event is starting to be more a reflection of her ability to deal with issues than about your mistake. The shoe may be on the other foot now: you may be the one that should consider if she's worth it.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009
By: Lora
Age: 25
Location: Chicago
Question: I met this guy online one month ago. Everything was going great (in my opinion): we had a lot in common, enjoyed doing the same things, and the sex was awesome. I last saw him Wednesday and by Monday hadn't heard from him. So I called him: left a voicemail. Later I sent a text: no response. Has he completely lost interest in me? Is there anything I can do to salvage the situation? If not what do I do differently next time?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he lost interest. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong; it's just that the initial flooding of chemicals into his brains (lust, really) have evaporated and he's come down to earth. Now, he's doing what the vast majority of men do in a situation like this -- he's being a coward.

For next time, understand that a man showing you great attention in the first few days or even weeks only means he's physically attracted to you; emotional attachment doesn't happen for quite a while.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 22
Location: South Africa
Question: Dear Victor,
I have a new situation I’d like to pick your brain about! My apologies, but this requires a bit of history, so I’m sorry if it’s a bit long!

I met a guy almost exactly a year ago; we were involved in the same charity organisation and we first met when we were assigned to a three hour shift at a volunteer sign-up stall together. We got along really well and talked non-stop the whole time, it didn’t feel like our first meeting at all. He told me he recognised me from campus and had noticed me around a lot. I thought he was really cute, and such a nice guy, but unfortunately he had a girlfriend. Since then we have only seen each other a handful of times, but each time we’ve talked as if we were good friends and we have always had such great rapport, it felt like we could have been good friends, but I didn’t pursue it because I was attracted to him and didn’t want to like him more because he was clearly in a stable relationship. I have never been sure if he felt that we had chemistry too, because I never flirted with him or indicated interest in him in that way because of his girlfriend.

I last saw him when I was out about 6 months ago; he had just broken up with girlfriend, for a number of reasons, but also because he was moving across the country to take a job. We hung out together most of the night, but his ex-girlfriend was at the same party and it was clearly still quite raw, so I didn’t try to put the moves on him!

So he moved away, and a couple of months ago he sent me a message on facebook saying it had been a long time since he had seen me, and asked how everything was going with me. Then on Friday night I was at a nightclub with my friends when I saw him literally across a crowded room, and he saw me at the same time too, and we like, ran towards each other to say hello, we were so happy to see each other! He was down here for the long weekend. After a few minutes of talking to him, I decided to take some of the advice you are always trying to give me and the other girls on this site, and I excused myself to go find my friends. He grabbed my hand and told me he would come and dance with us later. He did find me later, and we danced for a while, he kept putting his arm around me and taking my hand. I could tell something had definitely changed in the way we were relating to each other, but we were still talking a mile a minute like we always have before. He told me he will probably be coming back to my city again soon. Later that night he kissed me, and once again, I took your advice and before this went on too long I told him I needed to take my friend home, and that I was leaving (Aren’t you PROUD???). He hugged me and kissed me goodbye and said “keep in touch”.

We have never exchanged numbers, so I figured this was just a once-off, especially as he lives on the other side of the country, so wrote it off as a nice evening where I had the pleasure of discovering someone I think is attractive obviously feels the same way! But he sent me a message on facebook on Sunday night saying “It was so awesome/unexpected running into you on Friday! I've always thought that you were a great girl. Hopefully we'll run into each other again.”

He then said that spending time here this weekend has made him realise how much he misses it, and that he will definitely be back to visit again soon. Sooo, my question is this – given what I’ve told you about our history and what he said in the message, what do you think is in his mind about what happened? Does this look at all promising? I’m not saying I’m pinning my hopes on this guy, I’m definitely going to keep my options open whatever happens, but because we have always been so friendly and fond of each other, and I have always got such a good feeling about him, the idea of getting to know him better with the possibility of seeing how things go (I’m almost certain he is moving back here at the end of the year) is very appealing. Does it look like he’s laying the groundwork for something like that, or am I giving him far too much credit? How do you think I should handle this? Please bear in mind, I know you say most guys are the same in the way they deal with girls, but it is worth mentioning that this guy is definitely not a player, I know that he is a thoroughly decent human being (even if he is a guy :) )

Thank you, Victor, and sorry about the dissertation! :)

VictorM's advice:

I would say it looks promising in the sense that he's shown interest in you and is doing enough to stay in touch with you without being overbearing. Smart guy.

I also think you did very well -- yes, I'm proud of you -- because you showed interest without appearing eager.

I know lots of females would say that if he was really into you he would be more forceful, but as I say all the time, guys don't fall for girls as quickly as girls fall for guys (once you're past the lust part). If you had acted indifferent he probably would be turned off, and if you had acted too eager you'd make things too easy and also send a signal of being needy and clingy.

Others will say you're playing a game. I say that's nonsense. What you have done is show that you understand the male psyche and are acting on that knowledge. That's not playing a game; that's being smart.

Stay friendly but not eager. This is not a trap; it's just a good course of action to give him, and yourself, enough time to get to know each other without pressure. And to know you is to love you, right? :)

Submitted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009
By: caelene
Age: 24
Location: south west london
Question: i met a guy and we got on so well we swapped numbers and he said that he wants to see me the next day .. i said yea sure sounds great , but never expected to hear from him.. and the next day he was blowing my phone up with messages and calls .. We met up for a drink and dinner and had such a great time and got on so well...he travels a lot for work so he was leaving from france the next day for work stuff and he said he just wanted to meet up with me to see if the connection he felt was real...i thought that was very sweet. since eh has been in france for work he has been messaging me and calling me .. on friday he called me as normal and we spoke for a while and he had said that he was on his way to the hospital some of his family live in france and his cousin was very ill and had been rushed to the hospital...he sounded very worried and he had said that he will call me and keep me updated ... but since friday i've not heard back from him i have sent him a message and tried to call him once but still nothing i just hope that his cousin is doing ok.. He said that he could not wait to see me when he gets back from france and he has asked me if i can come and spend the weekend when he gets back. We have such an amazing connection and get on so well and he says he has never met someone that he can just be himself with..

I'm just worried that maybe his cousin took a bad turn .. as i've not had any response from him..his father passed away around this time last year so i'm thinking that maybe he is not taking the whole situation too well.am i being silly??? and worrying about him not calling...

VictorM's advice:

Yes, you are being silly. His cousin got ill, not him. No matter how bad the cousin got, that didn't remove the guy's fingers and his ability to place a call and let you know what's going on.

Assuming he's not ill himself, that a frog didn't eat his phone, that he hasn't passed out for days from all the rich French cooking and French wine, or that he has not been hit by the proverbial crazy French bus driver, it's quite possible that he's just coming back down to earth after meeting you and is not living on cloud nine anymore.

I know the whole "I finally met someone I can be myself with" line, and you with your description of things being "amazing," are only temporary. Sooner or later you two have to deal with each other as mere mortals, not as characters in a fairy tale story. Then we'll see how it goes. So far, and unless you hear from him very soon, "and they lived happily ever after" is not on the horizon.

He may very well have a good reason for not calling, but stop making silly excuses for him. Just wait for an explanation... if it ever comes.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009
By: Layla
Age: 21
Location: Boston, MA
Question: Ok. So here's the deal to catch you up. This guy asked me out, we went out a couple of times and hung out together and with groups of friends. However, he kept stressing me to have sex (I kept saying no) and after he called me a tease, I thought it in both our best interests to stop 'seeing' each other and be friends. Which worked fine for about a week until all the friends went out one night ( I was designated driver) and after dropping everybody off I crashed on his couch, as I'm good friends with his roommate as well. He picked me up and insisted that I sleep in his room and not on the couch, even with my warning him that I still wouldn't sleep with him.

About 15 min later the situation digressed to him telling me that he 'F*&cking hated me and I made him miserable and then kicked me out at 4am. But 5 min later insisted that I 'at least sleep on the couch as it was too late to leave.

Next morning I got up and got the hell out of dodge, but he called twice later that day to apologise for being so drunk and to make sure I would forgive him.

I don't really hold grudges, so I forgave him, and we still hung out, and he constantly asks my advice about girls, and constantly complains about his girlfriend to me.

What is the deal with all this? Is he crazy, or am I crazy for thinking this is out of the ordinary? Or am I missing something else major?

Thanking you in advance for a response.

VictorM's advice:

I think you're crazy, but not for thinking his actions were out of the ordinary; you're crazy for still hanging out with him.

Not holding a grudge is fine but that shouldn't stop you from demanding respect and imposing that will on those who trample on you. And this guy has done that too many times.

Submitted on Monday, June 15, 2009
By: ?
Age: ?
Location: Lynn mass
Question: I like this girl and says she likes me but we work together and her dad doesn't want her dating anyone from work. But then she starts hanging out and being real friendly with an older guy at work and i'm afraid their dating? What do i do?

VictorM's advice:

If they are dating, what you should do is get a clue that maybe she likes you but she's not into you.

Submitted on Monday, June 15, 2009
By: Anna
Age: 18
Location: Toronto
Question: Okay, so recently this guy messaged me on facebook and said that when he is home for the summer we should hang out. I was in a class with the guy like 2 years ago, and we chat on facebook from time to time. But I responded to his message saying that I wasn't busy, just working a boring job and i think we should definitely get together when he gets home sometime. But now i'm freaking out because the guy hasn't responded...and it's been like 3 days...and he's on facebook, and even has been on at the same time as me and hasn't tried to chat with me. I actually really like this guy, and was shocked when he asked to hang out. please help me, i don't know what i did wrong, and why he's acting suddenly uninterested.

VictorM's advice:

I'm not sure there's anything wrong. He asked you to hangout when he got home. He's not home yet, right? Wait until he's back home to freak out.

Submitted on Monday, June 15, 2009
By: amy
Age: 42
Location: East Coast USA
Question: Victor, I love your advise! I am hoping you can help me out. I have been dating some one for over two years. I would say that we both love each other. I was "in love" with him and now I would say that I love him dearly but I don't see that we would ever have a real future together. The time we spend together is great. I don't see day in and day out life as a realistic place we would end up. We are just kind of floating along with our relationship and have not talked about any thing past where we are.

I want to ultimately have a relationship with the same ending goals. A life together with someone who is wanting the same things out of life that I am. I want a partner who is wanting to build a life together. Including love, attraction, chemistry and a future.

Here is my situation. I have recently met some one new. The more we talk the more I think he and I see things on the same page. We view life in the same way, we are looking for the same type of relationship, wanting the same family values, wanting that future with a partner to walk through with it, etc. Some of the these traits my current boyfriend and I don't see eye to eye on. I am big into family where that is not his priority. He enjoys his family as long as it does not interfere in his plans. I view him as a selfish person. I love him, I have excepted him along with all his faults (I consider that real love). However, I am very unsure as to how far our relationship would go under the same roof. I am unsure about breaking off with him to explore this other person who I am very curious about. I wont go out behind his back and date another. But I don't know how to approach him. How do you love a person and have such strong feelings to find out about another? I can't help but feel that this new person could be the person I have always waited for. We have never been intimate so I don't know what our chemistry is like. I do know that we can talk for hours and hours and enjoy talking very much. I am babbling...sorry! I just don't know what to do. I love my current boyfriend, I don't know if I could end things with him (even thinking that we may not do well in day in, day out life together). I do want that. I want that more than any thing. I just don't see it working out between us in that way. I met some one who I think we could work out in that way because it is what we both want. If we were to explore things on the next level..this "could" be it. I want to..yet I am afraid to. WTF do I do, Victor? As a guy...what do you suggest?

For the record..the new person I have met knows all about my relationship, history, where I am at right now. He knows I do love him but that I feel we would never make it past where our current relationship is. Pretty much just dating, spending time, not living together, communicating often, no future plans...etc. I have tried to speak with my current partner about our future and he is going in circles with out giving a direct answer. I believe he loves me, and loves me in his life but does not want to commit to more than what we have now. His time, my time, our time. Please advise

VictorM's advice:

The worst things we take with us into old age are regrets. If you stay with your current boyfriend, life will be fine but somewhat empty. I'm willing to bet that 20, 30 years from now you'll regret not having given your wishes a chance. Now, the odds are against it that the true magic you're imagining will happen. But, even if it never happens, there is much more magic in being open to that possibility, looking for it with every date, with every chance encounter, every opportunity around the bend than there is in the status quo. And even if it never happens, 20, 30 years from now, will you regret not having stayed with current boyfriend? I don't think you will.

You need to open up your life and give yourself a chance at what you want, but don't do it because the new guy you're talking to could be "the one" -- chances are that he may not be -- but because you know the current guy isn't it.

Now, making the actual change in your life won't be easy. But the more you wait, the closer you get to a mountain of regrets.

Submitted on Monday, June 15, 2009
By: Christine
Age: 16
Location: Moraga
Question: Okay so I met this guy, Fred, at an "Eere" party (the name i will call where these people are from) but it turns out he is 4 or 5 years older than me. We hooked up (like madeout) at the party and he was really nice and he got my number. So we texted after that for a few weeks like almost every day.

Then one day we were texting and he asked me what me and my friends were doing and one of my friends told me to text him to pick us up and i did but he said he couldn't because he had a full car and that he was sorry. So my friend said don't reply, then a week past and he didn't text me at all.

Then my one of the guys from the "Eere boys" called and asked if me and my friends wanted to go to a party at his house. And by him calling me his friends knew that me and my friends would ultimately go and so Fred texted me before we went and asked how i've been and all that. i expected him to so it wouldn't be awkward and blah blah blah. So i get there and i'm talking to everyone and i kinda talk to Fred, he talked to me first by the way and was staring at me the whole time, and then he texts while i'm there even though he's only like a few feet away and asks if i want to go outside. So he goes out first and then i do. So we talk and walk and mess aroud a little bit and then talk more. and it was all good. When i left to go with Fred, one of my friends said that some guys inside were talking about me and saying how it was weird cuz i'm hella young and he's hella old and all that. i don't care but the guys might have given Fred shit for it.

So after we left Fred texts me and says nice to see you and were talking and its cool. But he hasn't texted me since then. And i don't really care, but I'm just wondering why. Like he's super nice and even walked me to my car after. Like does he feel guilty or weird cuz he's hella older and won't text me? (like against the law status haha) or what? I don't expect him to like me because of the age difference but i just want a guys point of view on the matter!??!?

VictorM's advice:

Are you sure that the age difference is just 4 or 5 years? Because that's not such a big difference and I doubt most guys would mind, specially if you make out. Maybe he's older than you think?

It's possible that his friends busted him for the age difference. Some guys are vulnerable to peer pressure.

But I'm more inclined to believe that age difference is not the reason he hasn't called you. I believe he'll contact you again only if there's a chance for a hook up in the near future. A girl your age, who can't go to bars or clubs, for example, is probably not someone he'd want to see on a regular basis, but for the usual hook up? Why not?

Submitted on Monday, June 15, 2009
By: Anna Rose
Age: Old enough
Location: Unknown
Question: I have a little problem. There's this kid at school who really likes me. He's a cute kid, so I talk to him. When I was texting him, he asked me out. I said yes, thinking what the hell? He started calling me honey and sweetheart right away. I just went to sleep and didn't reply. The next day, he texts me saying I love you and all that. I don't feel the same way. I tried telling him that, but he had a one track mind about it. What do I do to tell him this? How can I do that nicely? I don't wanna hurt his feelings, but I have to do something! Help!?

VictorM's advice:

First, don't try telling him... TELL HIM!

Second, don't be afraid to hurt his feelings. It's good practice for him because if he's such an idiot it's going to happen over and over in his life. He might as well get used to it.

Third, nothing is as nice as the truth. Remember that. Hurting him with the balanced truth* is something he'll appreciate more than you being ambiguous.

* Balanced truth is honesty without rudeness. For example, I called him an idiot here but for you to do it, that would be rude.

Submitted on Monday, June 15, 2009
By: Susie Q
Age: 27
Location: US
Question: Hi,

I will try to keep this brief. My boyfriend and I have been living together for approximately 7 years. We have (I think) a wonderful relationship - we are basically best friends who want to spend the rest of our lives together and have awesome sex. We love going on adventures together, and a year ago we added a puppy to our family. I think we have a very high level of commitment - we have moved (together) across the country twice. Yes, we did take a 4-month hiatus a couple years ago, but we both feel that it helped our relationship as we chose to be together again after the hiatus and we feel the experience helped us to confirm that we're not just together because it is the path of least resistance/the status quo.

That said, why the hell hasn't he proposed? We talk about marriage frequently, and I have always had the impression that, while he is not really into traditional things like weddings, he is absolutely committed to our relationship and to a lifetime together. But now, 7 years later, and no ring is forthcoming. Many of our friends who are now married met each other after we were already living together, which makes me feel like he has had plenty of time to get off his you-know-what and do the right thing. He knows this is really important to me, so I think that is partly what is bothering me about this whole situation. If the situation were reversed I would ask him if I knew it were really important to him, and to make him happy, even if I were somewhat indifferent to the whole thing.

I have always hated the whole ultimatum thing (marry me or I will leave you to find someone who will), and I find it distasteful to even contemplate. I will not stoop to that level since I know we will spend our lives together with or without a ceremony. But come on - I'm a chick, for chissakes. I like fancy dresses and presents and tear-jerking vows and the whole 9 *wedding* yards.

Can you please shed some guy insight on this situation? Is he dragging his feet for a real reason, or maybe is it because he already has the commitment, the married lifestyle, etc., and he doesn't feel the need to indulge me in my chick desires? But if you really love someone, wouldn't you want to do something if you knew it would make them happy?

Thanks for your advice!! it is greatly appreciated.

VictorM's advice:

There are a lot of reasons for guys not wanting to rush into a relationship, starting with: everything is great, why mess it up?

What a wedding means to you may mean the exact opposite to him: it's an expensive, boring, hellish day that does nothing but trap us. I mean, as a guy, I have to say you girls have the most bizarre attachment to that one day. Notice that you didn't say anything about what being married means to you relative to your future but you mentioned the dress and the vows. To most guys, that is utter nonsense.

Guys have a much greater attachment to their jobs and the ability to be sound providers. Does he feel that secure about his work and finances?

Lastly -- and this is the possible reason I would like you to consider seriously -- this 4 month hiatus thing is, to me is significant because I believe such separations do nothing for a relationship. Why did you feel the need to separate and what did the separation teach you about yourselves? Probably nothing more than you had a routine and you missed it. And you only got back together because you didn't give yourselves enough time to adjust to life without the other. Yes, you are friends, the sex is great, but is there passion? I mean, fire in your loins passion? Being content isn't the same as being happy. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't object to being married; just being married to you.

I'm just grasping at straws and none of what I said may explain his situation. Please don't go project my words into his possible reason.

Submitted on Monday, June 15, 2009
By: Nunue
Age: 23
Location: Thailand
Question: I met him online 7 months ago. he's 35 years old lives in Sydney but i'm 23 live in Thailand and after that we talked on phone like 1-2 times a day and also msn almost everyday. he visited me 2 times in 4 months. but last 3 months he called me just 1 time a week because he start to have lots work and work problem cos he just open new office. i understand but i have to say i need more time from him. His working load seem never end and like he not going to call me a lot like that anymore. He told me he love me but sometime he ignore my call. i talked with him about this but he just keep listening. finally it still nothing improve but i don't think about other women tho. i try to ignore him back but seem like he not even notice it. now i don't know how to do. i wanna argue with him but when he called me with his damn tired voice i give up and try to make him laugh and happy. He promise he will come to see me on my birthday which is next week. all my girls tell me i should break up with him. i need better treat but i love him so much. what should i do?

VictorM's advice:

When I read "he start to have lots work" I knew I didn't have to read the rest to know what the story is.

He's over you. He doesn't want to deal with you anymore. He just lacks the courage to say it to you cause he knows it'll break your heart. But it's over.

Submitted on Sunday, June 14, 2009
By: Ann
Age: 45
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Can being too nice on a date scare a guy off? I read the book called the Rules and they said that on a date you should be very "cool" to the man you are with: that is, you shouldn't look at him too much (you should look at him somewhat, and smile and laugh a little if you find him attractive), you should pretend that you aren't interested, and that will get his attention more. I was just on a date last week with what seemed to be a very nice man, five years older than me; I met him on the internet. He has been divorced for ten years and has just moved to the area and is in the process of meeting women. I have been divorced for one year and have a six year old (other characteristics of me - I am a liberal democrat and he is a "Reagan Republican" whatever that means). We are both writers. I found him attractive, and I really laughed and enjoyed myself - if there was a break in the conversation, I filled it with a funny story or anecdote. He told me that I was prettier than my picture, and we talked for several hours, at which time he said - do you want to leave? He e-mailed me that I had a great smile and was a remarkable conversationalist, but it has been two weeks and no call from him. Obviously, he isn't interested, but I wonder if that fact that I have a small child might have thrown him (or that I do contract work, rather than a permanent job), or was I just too nice to him and he didn't have to win me over? I assume that I was "too nice" (I was raised in the Midwest and was raised to be kind and avoid conflict at all cost).

VictorM's advice:

Reagan Republican is, in short, an asshole. The type of people who gave us the FEMA that handled Katrina, and promote lackeys to positions they're not qualified for, and who don't give a crap if there are 6 million uninsured children in the country. You'll be lucky if you never hear from him.

OK, end of politics. :)

Those rules sound asinine. When you meet someone you want to come across as nice as you naturally are. Sure, too nice can be a problem. "Too" of anything can be a problem but that doesn't seem like the problem here.

As you said, he's in the process of meeting women. Plural. That means he's going to date as many different women as he can. So I'm more inclined to believe he's dating around. He might still come back for you (god forbid!) because unlike women, guys are almost never sold on a woman on day one. We don't plant roots with someone for quite a while, so it's more natural for us to roam around playing the field.

You having a young child could be a problem. I won't lie to you -- it will be a deal breaker for many men. For some other men it could be your type of work. For some it may be that you're a liberal democrat (bless your little heart). Or... or... or... who knows, it could be your eyebrows, or how you chew your food. It's a list of never ending possibilities. Don't waste your time. You were yourself. Good. Some men will like you, some won't.

Submitted on Sunday, June 14, 2009
By: Kel
Age: 24
Location: MI
Question: The guy I've been seeing said something yesterday that kind of upset me and I want to know if you think I'm just being oversensitive/crazy :b

He asked me if I've ever considered *gaining* some weight. I said no, why? and he said that he thought it would look good on me, that he prefers "thicker" women, and that 10-15 more pounds could be really cute.

He's called me beautiful and hot, etc., before, and he said I was hot yesterday, but that he was "just curious to see where the weight would go - like into hips/boobs or what." He said that I turn him on as is and that he was just curious. But it upset me because it made me feel like he wishes I looked differently or something. Maybe most women would be happy to hear that a guy actually wanted them to GAIN weight rather than lose some, but I'd rather that they be happy with me the way I am.

We talked online today and I told him I was sad that he said that, and he apologized and compared it to a girl wanting a guy to have a certain style of facial hair? We didn't talk much after that and he just signed off after awhile. Meanwhile, I'm still feeling upset about it.

Am I being oversensitive? Was he being insensitive/an idiot? Both?

VictorM's advice:

I don't think you're oversensitive per se, you're just a product our western culture, with it's girly magazines and diet fads that have made weight a virtual taboo and far too consequential in your self-esteem.

I don't think he was insensitive. Maybe he could have phrased his comment better, but he was willing to express his opinion, and that ought to count for something in a world where honesty is often in short supply.

Sure, it would be nice if he liked you whether you're 80 pounds or 300. Just as it would be nice if women accepted that guys won't text them as often or as quickly as they're like. But finding a partner that's a perfect fit for you is virtually impossible. Everyone is an adjustment. The relationships more prone to failure are the ones where the partners keep their opinions to themselves only to have them blow up out of proportion later.

So, I hope you find the strength of character to whisper in his ear how much you appreciate his honesty and that you wish his dick was 3 inches bigger (no, no, don't say that! That would be cruel!)

One other point: chances are that his comment is made purely from the stand point of aesthetics, but consider also that it may be a backhanded way of saying he may be worried about your health, such as you suffering from anorexia or bulimia. Could he be worried? Just consider that possibility.

Submitted on Saturday, June 13, 2009
By: Jack
Age: 53
Location: orlando
Question: I have erectile dysfunction, where can I go to hook up with other couples?

VictorM's advice:

Um... that sounds like 2 separate questions.

For erectile dysfunction, just see your family doctor. You don't have to go to a specialist. If you have no health issues, the doctor can give you a prescription for something like Viagra or Cialis. You may try different pills because the side effects vary. For a large percentage of men, this solution works fine and erectile dysfunction need not be a problem.

If by hooking up with couples you're talking about swinging, there are websites you can sign up with and find couples in your area. Do a web search and you'll find them.

Word of advice: take care of the ED first because meeting a new couple and not being able to get it up will be a bummer.

Submitted on Friday, June 12, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: new guy victor! haha.
how do you tell if a coworker likes you? we have strict rules about dating in our office, so most people are very hesitant about it, but some do it secretly. how do i tell if this guy likes me, or if he's just friendly? i have been very careful not to ever flirt with him or act more than professional. he told me to look him up for coffee sometime, which i did, and he also ran into me once in the cafeteria and sat down to eat lunch with me. we did hang out outside of work once, but he was nervous about being seen by coworkers, and obviously, he acted like we were friends the whole time and did not try anything. basically he has never openly flirted with me either but it could be because i never give him any signals. what should i do? i like him more than anyone i am dating right now. i think i might even be in love, haha.

VictorM's advice:

Ellie, I'm going to have to give you a frequent questions reward card or something. :)

You're in love with him? Oh please!

Anyway, coworkers are very hard to read because often guys pay a lot of attention to a pretty girl at work just to pass the time. Girls think that means something but it may not. And if your work has strict rules about dating that will make it even more difficult. So... I say, slow down, keep meeting him in the cafeteria and preferably away from work, and give yourself a little extra time to figure him out.

Submitted on Friday, June 12, 2009
By: Marie
Age: 15
Location: NY
Question: I am dealing with a strange guy. He's been acting strange around me since 8th grade. He began with smiling and blushing as any guy would do, but then I get long stares from then on. He has a girlfriend, a whole pack of girls after him as well, and yet whenever I come around into sight, he's either staring or showing off. He never talks to me though. In counting, this has been going on for 3 years. My parents are starting to say let it go, but I am afraid of what will happen in the long run if I do that. Help?

VictorM's advice:

It's not clear to me from your question whether this is a guy that you like or a guy that scares you. Can you please write back and clarify?

Submitted on Thursday, June 11, 2009
By: samantha
Age: 18
Location: india
Question: i have been in relation with a guy for almost 4 months. I'm madly in love with him. He is a friend of my ex and has dated my friend also. Because of this we have kept our relationship under cover. Now he does not hang out with me much because he says he is too busy. Lately i texted him asking if he wants to go for a movie and I got no reply later that afternoon he texted me saying he was sleeping. But later on i found out that he was with few of his friends and he lied to me about sleeping. He does not want any of our friends to know about us because he says I'm too small. He even asked his ex if he could meet her and didn't tell me about it. When i asked him he had a good excuse to tell me. I really love him and not sure if he really loves me or just playing the fool. So tell me what to do?

VictorM's advice:

He lies, he hides you, he says you're too small (whatever that means)... clearly he has no honest intentions. But... *gulp* you are madly in love with this asshole. Oh well... if I told you to dump his lying, cheating, pompous ass would you do it? If so, do it!

Submitted on Thursday, June 11, 2009
By: Elaine
Age: 35
Location: Ohio
Question: Looking for a little insight and advice. I met this guy in February and there was an instant attraction - we saw each other out a couple of times and talked throughout the night. He found me on facebook and left an email, explaining how attracted he was with me, etc. I responded with maybe we should meet for a drink, but he said he could not do anything, because he just would not feel right, since he had just started seeing someone. Ok fine. no big deal I thought. Well we continue to email back and forth for 2 months and then he stopped. Again, no big deal, figured he was getting serious with his girl friend, move on. So one day about 3 weeks ago he commented on a facebook comment I wrote about going to a Cavs playoff game, It was the game when Lebron hit the last shot with one second to go, he commented "wow what a game to go to" again no big deal, I was just surprised to hear from him. Later that evening I saw a text that I did not recognize, I responded, yeah great game, by the way who is this? and it was him. I gave him my cell number in the beginning when we first met, interesting that he kept it, but did not think much of it. I asked him how he was and he said he missed our "talks", but knew he needed to stop before he became too intrigued with me, because he was still dating the same girl. So, we text back and forth and that was it. I later emailed him on facebook and just asked if he wanted to see if there was anything between us, as I felt there were a lot a mixed signals/feelings on his part. He responded that he would, but that he was really confused right now and seeing me would only make matters worse. So I said I understood and wished him well. Last week I had posted a comment on Facebook saying Birdie's on Friday. He responded and said I'll be there, hope to see you then. I did not respond. We met up on Friday and talked, he said he had been thinking a lot about what I said and he wanted to see if there could be anything between us. We talked a long time and he followed up with a few more texts after he left. The last text he sent, he said, that he had a great time talking to me and he now had to figure out how and when we could get to know each other better. That was Saturday and it is Thursday today. I have not heard from him since. I guess I am wondering should I contact him or should I just wait to hear from him.... or is this all totally wrong since he is dating someone else. I am new to the dating thing - I am a mother of 3 and really can't believe I'm even here. Any advice you could share with me about what he is going thru or thinking and any other advice like, ...I should just forget this whole thing would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

VictorM's advice:

Stop contacting him.

You've become his ego booster. That's a woman who likes a man more than he likes her and that feeds his ego when he needs it, which explains his occasional disappearances. He only comes back when he needs an ego boost.

Submitted on Thursday, June 11, 2009
By: nelly
Age: 20
Location: texas
Question: I want to know what he thinks of me. Should I ask him?

VictorM's advice:

Sure. After you feed him gallons of truth serum, and wire him in to a polygraph. And even then, if's a 50/50 chance at best you'd know the truth.

Seriously, it doesn't matter what he thinks; it matters what you feel. Do you feel liked, respected, appreciated? Your opinion is the only one that matters.

Submitted on Thursday, June 11, 2009
By: Jenn
Age: 17
Location: ohio
Question: There's this guy who I like and he's 20 years old. He likes me too at least I'm pretty sure because he kissed me on our 2nd date. Well I've never kissed a guy before and I'm pretty sure I messed it up horribly because I pulled away and such. Do you think he's mad about it going wrong or do you think it's not that big of a deal. I told him that I'd never kissed a guy before after the kiss. But I'm just worried that he's gonna stop liking me because of it.

VictorM's advice:

Jenn, Jenn, Jenn... you know he likes you because he kissed you on the second date? Please! I'm not saying he doesn't like you but kissing you means nothing at all. Guys would kiss a dead dog dirty butt if that's what it took to get a little further.

Kissing is a natural thing. We don't have to go to school for that. And girls are better natural kissers than guys.

And anyway, if he stopped liking you because of poor kissing, he'd be an idiot.

Submitted on Thursday, June 11, 2009
By: Michelle
Age: 36
Location: CA
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. He knows that I want to get married one day. He never really said anything negative or positive about it until recently. He said he knows that I want to get married, but he is not ready to take the next step yet. I told him that is fine... I don't want to pressure, etc. Well now he says that we need to take a break because he feels like he is constantly hurting me by not wanting to make a commitment. That was last week and we have talked a few times since. He has tried to explain his reasoning for needing a break. I just don't get it. I asked if he wanted to just break up. He said no and that he just needs time. I am going out of my mind and have promised myself to leave him alone and honor his "break." Which by the way, he said he has no idea how long our break will last. What do you think? Is he trying to let me down easy?

VictorM's advice:

Your relationship is over. Breaks resolve nothing. They are just a buffer between what you have and nothing. He just lacks the courage to come out and say it. Save yourself time and end it.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 10, 2009
By: cassandra
Age: 18
Location: florida
Question: hi
ok so i have a bf who is a illegal mexican and we have been dating over 5 months and i love him now. A guy friend at work told me that he was thinking about moving with his brother out of state because his job here is very restricting, also we work together which is how we met. Anyway i heard from my guy friend that the only reason he was staying was for me even though i was going to college 3 hours away in 2 months and he wanted to wait for me. So then i though well if he is making such a big sacrifice he must love me too. So we were messing around when once again for the hundredth time he asked why we wont have sex which we have talking about several times. And i understand that he is a guy and he has certain needs which is way i always satisfy him in other ways. One reason why i say no sex is that he refuses to meet my parents and i understand why he wont because he does not speak great English. So then when he asked again i just looked at him and said i love you very much and that i have to know how he feels before i can have sex with him. you see i am still a virgin. I told him i am not asking him to love me because it might be too soon for him and he just said i don't know. I am not sure if i am just being selfish in demanding how he feels before taking the next step but he just refused to say anything and he just left and said he would call the next day, the only day we both have off work is the next day so we always go out, how ever i have completely lost faith in him calling me cause he never does and even when i call him it takes him at least a day to call me back and no surprise he did not call me. So i am not sure of what to do since i don't know his point of view and i know that i over think things sometimes, so could you give me some advice

VictorM's advice:

Stick to your principles about having sex. Only your rules apply. His role is to wait. Period.

Don't be swayed by little boy tantrums that guys are bound to throw. He'll get over it.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 10, 2009
By: Carolyn
Age: 36
Location: Portland, OR
Question: Hi Victor,

I have been together with my boyfriend for almost two years. We went on a trip to Mexico together about a month after meeting, which brought us close very quickly. I moved in to his house after we were together about ten months, and almost moved right back out due to him not making any space for me and my things. At the same time, he stopped calling me regularly while he was away. (He travels for work a lot.) It's not like I expected a call every day- I'm not that high maintenance. But, he would say "I'll call you" and then not call the entire time he was away. (3-5 days.) That didn't last long, since it didn't change much after we talked about it, so I packed my things to move out. I didn't freak out if he didn't call, it was that he'd say he would call, and then not. I don't like to play games, and don't appreciate that disrespect. Also, when we talked about it, he could never say he was sorry. He just made excuses. Anyway, we had a long talk where I told him about how I like to live honestly and with a purpose and try to do things that help a relationship survive happily, as I would do with any other thing in my life. (Work, friends, etc.) that means- doing nice things for each other, communicating and having an interest in the other person's happiness.

I explained that it takes some effort to make this stuff work. He wrote a nice letter about not having ever thought about that before, having never made goals to strive for, and wanting to be able to open up his heart. He asked me to stay and try it with him, so since I love him, I did. He made space for me in his house. We have a great time together. He loves to make me laugh and do little things for me. (He doesn't bring me flowers anymore, but he will pump up my bike tires and help me work on my motorcycle.) We still have these problems though- he will come home from work a few hours late on a day when he always comes at the same time, and not call or text or anything. I have dinner ready and I'm waiting to feed the dogs, because one of them he was supposed to pick up at doggy daycare, and I don't even know if he did that or not. No biggie, but I just asked if he could call me if he was going to be late on Tuesdays so I don't worry about the dog. More excuses, and it turned into a big argument about not understanding each other and not communicating. These things keep happening- about once a month. I feel let down every time. I keep asking him to work on our communication with me.

He agreed to work on a list of what he would like out of a relationship and what he expects, and share it with me. I would do the same. I asked to set a date for it and he said, "I'll work on it this week." Well, three weeks went by. He went out of town, came back, and when these things are not addressed, I get uptight, but I didn't bring it up yet because I know he hates talking about relationship stuff. We went out for drinks and woah! Out it came! "Have you been working on your list?" Well, he hadn't, and didn't want to talk about it. I was starting to cry, so I had to run out of the bar, and when we got home I slept in the guest room. He thinks this is a big communication problem and it drags him down so much he's not happy. I'm not happy because I feel like he doesn't care about the relationship enough to help it to survive. If he put 1/4 the energy into our relationship that he does his work, he'd be emotionally advanced. As it is now, he's defensive and has a really hard time giving compliments or saying what he feels at all. He doesn't answer my emails anymore saying "I live with you now." And I feel like a suburban housewife trying to make things better any way I can. Do I cut my losses and find someone who wants to communicate with me, or do you think there's hope for us? I really do love him and he tells me he loves me.

VictorM's advice:

There are three types of women: low maintenance ones, high maintenance ones, and the worst kind of all, the high maintenance ones who think they are low maintenance. And whether you like it or not, that third category is where you fit, because, you're not the one who determines that, it's the person dealing with you.

No guy ever is capable of being all the things that any one woman wants. Maybe this guy can tell a joke, but he doesn't know science. Maybe he knows mechanics but knows nothing about home decorating. He does little things for you, but doesn't give you flowers. Etc. Etc. And where is the line that determines if the guy is adequate? It varies from woman to woman. But every woman just about believes that what he should be like is exactly the bare minimum a guy should be like. And when he doesn't fit the bill? Women spend a life time trying to change him. And that, whether you like it or not, makes you high maintenance, even if you think you're not.

You want to really be low maintenance? Simple: you made dinner and he's late? Let him have cold dinner. Or better yet, stop cooking. You don't know if he's getting the dog? The dog won't die without you knowing. If something is his responsibility, let him own the responsibility and stop being a nag about it. He's an adult, not your 9 year old son.

He doesn't give you compliment and get you flowers? I bet if he was willing to make a list he could come up with tons of things you don't do. Making lists of each other is not what good communication is about. Learning to live with each others' imperfections is the challenge and the secret to good relationships.

By the way, where did you get the idea for making a list? Because that's a damn rotten idea. The truth is that if you were a low maintenance person who paid attention to his wants and needs, you're already know the answer that you were trying to find out with that list. He has a problem making up a list because he's not demanding. He's taking you for what you are. He doesn't need to make a list.

You want him to do nice things for you? Do nice things for him. You like flowers and he hasn't given them to you? What does he like that you've never done for him? You like compliments... how often do you compliment him in a way that's meaningful to him?

You shouldn't do those things either just because you want him to do them back. You should do it because you like to make him happy.

Ultimately, there are people ill suited for each other. And if you're truly unhappy you should leave instead of nagging and spending the rest of your life trying to fix him to match your belief system. But from what you said, this guy doesn't sound like a throw away. He sounds like a nice guy who could be a nice companion to a low maintenance woman willing to learn and to deal with him positively.

Give it a try. Let him be. Get off his back. Reward him when he does nice. Praise gets repeated behavior. Reprimands get the worst results.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: Claire
Age: 26
Location: NYC
Question: Ok, so this may seem trivial but I need to know a non-scary way to approach a guy on Facebook. I met this guy about a year ago when he was looking for a roommate and I went over to his house and after telling me a little about his roommate situation, we spent quite a bit of time talking and just getting to know each other. I felt some kind of connection to him that night (the conversation and laughter just flowed and it was just so comfortable) and was pretty excited about the idea of becoming roommates. He seemed to like me, but called me later in the week to tell me that his girlfriend did not want him living with a female roommate. Ever since then, little things have happened to connect us. We have some friends in common, go to some of the same hang outs, etc.

We had some friends in common on Facebook and I friend requested him a few months ago and he accepted. Now, recently I found out that he was single again and has moved to Chicago for work. My firm just told me that I am being transferred to our Chicago office, and I want to approach him about the pros and cons of a move from NYC to Chicago, but I don't want to come off as stalkerish or weird. I mean, we have not had much actual contact and don't really know each other all that well, but I feel like this move is my chance to open the door on getting to know him. I want to send him an email that is light and friendly, but just ever so slightly flirtatious. What should I say?

VictorM's advice:

You need to understand that guys don't think in terms of "stalkerish". We love the attention of females. And guys love to be given a chance to show off. So, this should be the easiest of facebook messages.

"Hi his-name. I just found out I'm being transferred to Chicago and knowing that you have gone through this experience I'm hoping you can help me by sharing your moving experiences and what you have learned about Chicago so far." You may want to attach a cutesy statement at the end. Keep it short. Guys hate long messages.

You might want to leave the flirting to a subsequent email depending on the tone of his reply.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando
Question: Hi hi Mr. V,

My boyfriend and I really like each other, but there is one problem...he's 19. Technically he is two years older than me because he just turned 19, but parents will be parents. My mom says that since I go with him, she does too and she always talk negative about him. This wouldn't be an issue if she would've stop us from talking to each other, but she didn't and I have to suffer. She always accuse him of things like playing game on me or trying to get with me. If you were in this position, what would you think? Would you still want to be in the relationship or will you just leave it?

VictorM's advice:

If I were in his shoes, and I really liked you, I'd be kissing your mom's butt and feet and doing everything I can to both spend time with you and get on her good side.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: Robin
Age: 19
Location: michigan
Question: My boyfriend has many "girl" friends. I met a guy today. the guy asked if i had a boyfriend i said yes i do.. and then he asked if i could have friends i said yes i can.. and he asked for my number i gave it to him.. my boyfriend and i live together and have a child.. and share the same cell phone..if my boyfriend gets mad about this what should i do or say to him in return.. i'm not sure if he will get mad but chances are he might because when i went out with my friend one night he got mad but he can go out when ever he wants.. he's kinda two faced sometimes.. i don't know..

VictorM's advice:

Tell him the truth. If he accepts it, fine. If he gets mad, keep telling him the truth. Then ask: Are you saying we're not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? And then lead the conversation to where you both should get clarity about what you can do to avoid double standards.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: Christine
Age: 23
Location: Winnipeg
Question: What is the guys definition of seeing each other?

VictorM's advice:

If you leave it up to us, it's where we get as much sex as possible with as little commitment as we can.

Don't go by that definition; insist on yours.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: pixie
Age: 30
Location: east coast
Question: I've developed an intense, passionate relationship with "M" in a short time. He is coming off a long, drawn out breakup with a long time girlfriend, so I recognize I am acting as the rebound girl although I don't believe he would admit that.

M leans on me as a friend when he is emotionally struggling with the breakup and wanting to remain friends with his ex, which is a difficult position for me to hold, considering we spent the night together and he professed he is falling in love with me only hours prior.

I don't know how I play this dual role of "new girlfriend" and "supportive friend" while he deals with his emotions about a past lover. It feels very unfair to expect this of me and yet, a good relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship.

So, do I continue to revel in the passion of the relationship and just see where it goes (or until his grieving destroys it)? Or back up a bit and try to be a strong, supportive friend to him? Do I need to draw a line in the sand about what roles I can play in his life? I don't want to hurt him further.

Many thanks in advance...
Pixie

VictorM's advice:

Rebound relationships can be very though. Sometimes they lead somewhere, but often they just serve a needed purpose for the person on the rebound. The intensity of his interest at this point can seem so sincere, mostly because it is. That's because in the quest to heal and to correct past mistakes, intense and passionate relationships ensue. For a while anyway.

You'd be wise not to consider that level of passion merely a reflection of his interest in you; chances are that he's working overtime to compensate for his prior relationship. And further, chances are that his behavior is not sustainable. It's also important to realize that from his stand point, he's being honest. This is not a ruse on his part.

For your own good, and since you're not the one in an emotional roller coaster, you'd be wise to keep your feet on the ground. His desire to stay friends with the ex is not a good sign; it's a sign that he hasn't worked things through, and that is confession of love for you is premature (for the reasons I described above and that you made it clear you understand).

I view this type of situation similar to the advice you get on airlines if the oxygen masks drop: put yours first before you help others. You need to watch for yourself before you help him. Besides, believe me when I say this, he does NOT need your help to deal with the breakup. I know your motherly instinct is to assume he can't live without you, but he can, and he will.

You need to be the one slowing down your involvement with him to give him time to work things out with his ex. I'm not suggesting you ignore him or stop seeing him; I'm just suggestion that you discount the intensity of the passion for now and treat him like you would a possible boyfriend where you're both developing feelings for each other at a slower pace.

You don't want him to shut up about the ex because a natural decrease in such talk will be your best indication he's getting over her, but avoid acting like his shrink.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 15
Location: Sussex
Question: I have had a boyfriend for 8 months and we really do actually love each other but i don't know to react to the fact he thinks it's okay to dance and touch other girls at parties when i'm there. I don't wanna ruin his fun but i find it weird but he doesnt understand what i mean. How do i make him realise and to like me more?

VictorM's advice:

Talk to him about it, but not in terms of what he's doing wrong; instead, tell him how you feel when he does it. Make sure you start each sentence with "I", not with "you". Say things like "I feel hurt, sad, ignored, disrespected, etc."

If he says you shouldn't feel that way because he means nothing by it, don't argue, just say "I'm sure that's how you feel, but I'm letting you know how it makes me feel so that you can do what you think is right."

Of course, if after that he persists in touching other girls, you'd be a fool to stay with him.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: Mish
Age: 13
Location: Aus.
Question: Hey, I'm pretty young to be asking about guys i guess but i do have a question. In primary i had a crush on a guy and a year later he had a crush on me. I know he did because we got in contact this year and talked on msn. (A friend of mine said we should meet up to make sure the chemistry isn't just online). The guy and me webcamed every day for weeks for hours just doing our normal thing like study or eating.

He was caring about my mood, he didn't smile a lot but he showed he cared, he told me i was sexy and told me i was at the top of his hotlist (I had redeveloped a crush and avoided his question of who I liked, making up a 'hotlist') and we talked freely of relationships, school, friendships, everything..

He dated one of my friends (not really close to her) He goes to an all guys private and suddenly doesn't go online much and when he does he doesn't talk to me, he says he's gaming.

I want to ask what was with that? Was he just seeing if i was worth dating? or just looking for an ego boost? I really am getting frustrated when even our friendship just suddenly seized.

VictorM's advice:

As I say often on this website, guys really don't have a lot of endurance for the digital world (text, emails, online, etc.). That's the case with guys of any age. After a while, they'll look for something else to do. It can be either finding games to play, or going on to the next girl on the hotlist. Of course, things are even more unpredictable when you're talking about a boy around your age. In most cases, they simply aren't ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

I think he did the online thing with you while it was fun but he found something (or someone) else to have fun with. It's not a reflection on you (I'm sure watching you eat must be a lot of fun :-p) but guys have a short attention span for things like that.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 09, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 18
Location: Kelowna
Question: I have a boyfriend and we have been together for three months. I like him a lot and he is so manly and protective of me. I feel safe with him and genuinely enjoy being around him and his group of friends etc. However, there is this other guy who I met a few months before him at my job. Before I had even spoken to him this thought flickered through my mind that he was the one. When we spoke we just so obviously liked each other. I could say things I'd only say to my best friend and feel totally comfortable. We laugh so much together and just focus so much on each other when we talk. I saw him at 3 more shifts, then for months none of our shifts were together. I assumed he had quit and felt disappointed. A while later I started dating my current boyfriend. Recently, the guy from work and i started working together again. we now schedule the same shifts and for about a month i have been seeing him a few times a week. the chemistry is amazing. Id like to spend my life with this guy. He isn't even very typically good looking, but i just love his face. He has confided in me about very personal issues and everyone at work can see the chemistry between us. Over the summer he leaves for a month, and my boyfriend leaves for two. i really like my boyfriend, but this other guy makes me feel incredible. i have felt strongly over guys before but never like this. before it was like i was so impressed and wanted to be good enough to be with them. With the guy from work its like we are both more than good enough to each other, we are exquisite. i'm so scared to take this risk. The guy from work has told me he likes me, but i already knew anyways. What do I do? Also, i've never been in a real relationship except my current one. and i'm a really pretty girl, but for the first time, i don't think my looks have anything to do with the way the guy from work feels about me.

VictorM's advice:

Obviously I can't tell you what to do. But I can give you these pieces of advice:

-- the worst thing you can carry into your old age are regrets.
-- you seldom regret what you do; you almost always regret what you don't do.
-- make a decision and spend your energies making it the right one.

Consider these two scenarios: one, you stick with your boyfriend (with no guarantees that you'll live happily ever after") and never give the other guy a try; or two, you give the new guy a try and it doesn't work out. Which one can you live with the rest of your life?

Submitted on Monday, June 08, 2009
By: Bobbi
Age: 18
Location: Miami
Question: I'm in a bad situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for years. We had sex a few weeks ago, and it was fun. The only problem is...that he's horrible in bed. Later that week to let off some steam, I went to a bar. I got drunk and hooked up with a guy I met there. He was really good, so I started to visit him about 3 times a week. And the whole time, my bf started bugging me to sleep with him again. I do love him, but he's just horrible. Should I tell him this? What about the other guy? Thanks for the help!

VictorM's advice:

You went to a bar at 18 and got drunk? OK, I'll pretend I believe you.

How about working with your boyfriend and helping him be a better lover? You don't have to say he's bad -- that's just too much of a blow for most guys to handle -- but you can be verbal and provide guidance.

As for the other guy, well, whether you keep seeing him or not depends on what kind of girl you want to be. The choice is yours.

Submitted on Monday, June 08, 2009
By: Jena
Age: 30
Location: Tampa
Question: I am dating this guy for almost a year who just moved back to Europe, and its difficult with the long distance and I know it will end soon. We are trying to make it work. My ex-boyfriend moved back into town and we saw each other. We have very strong feelings for each other. We started to get intimate and I told him about the guy in Europe, because I needed to be honest. He was a little uneasy but enjoyed the night and the next day with me. Now he's being distant since I told him and asked me questions about him after we saw each other. I detect hurt and jealousy. I told him that it's not going to work out because I live here and he lives there. I kind of what my ex-bf back. Did I mess it up? What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

If you told your ex basically what you just wrote here, in essence you said you're not staying with the other guy only because of the distance. I would take that to mean that you'd be with the guy in Europe if he were local. Besides, you gave little evidence that you can be faithful as you try to work through relationship problems.

But further, why did you break up with your ex in the first place? Did whatever cause that break up get fixed by magic? Because unless something drastic happened since, you will bang your head against that wall sooner or later all over again.

I'm not sure that jealousy or hurt is what's fueling your ex's distance; I'm more inclined to believe that in your actions together he saw vindication why you two are exes to begin with.

Submitted on Monday, June 08, 2009
By: Dee
Age: 35
Location: Tenn
Question: I caught my guy lying to me about being with a woman. He finally admitted it. We been dating for a short while and live together. I give him his space and don't hound him. He seems to enjoy being around me when we are together and it doesn't leave often. I love him but he hasn't told me he loves me and I don't hound him about that. I think I am the perfect girlfriend (I am supportive, give him what he wants when he wants it, I don't even cause conflict). We actually have a good time when we are together. Question is why do he feels the need to see other women and talk to them on the internet? Plus I am not a bad looking lady (not super sexy but I can hold my own).

VictorM's advice:

You think you're perfect? That counts for exactly nothing! You're only a perfect girlfriend if he says so. And he doesn't, does he?

Guys like to feel wanted, admired, adored, manly... you may think you know what he wants -- a fallacy, if I ever heard one -- but you're not giving him what he needs. So he's trying to find it elsewhere.

Don't interpret this to mean there's anything wrong with you; maybe he's just a defective guy who will never find it.

Submitted on Monday, June 08, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 21
Location: SC
Question: So my ex and I dated for about a year. When it came time for college..long story short..we decided to end our relationship and see what happened if I came to his college the following year. We remained friends..and as hard as it was able to stay as it, I was still hopelessly in love with him. I let him know this a few times. And as we decided in the beginning, he wanted to wait. I believe I was his first love and I know he cared deeply for me. As this past year at the same college, nothing really happened between us. A few times we would hang out with friends and see each other at parties and maybe a few more intentions..but we never set anything serious between us. It being summer now I mentioned something about 'us' and he said he could see us back together but was in no rush. Since the time we have been a part I have tried dating, and from what I have heard and seen myself I have not seen him with any girls or into any dating. I have had no serious relationships, just off and on flicks. Does he really have intentions of getting back together? I still have many feelings for him and I would love to get back together, but is it realistic?
Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

When you like someone, you want to spend time with them. If nothing else, for the sex (or making out). This guy has absolutely no intentions of ever getting together with you. He's just too cowardly to admit it. So no, you're not getting back together.

Submitted on Monday, June 08, 2009
By: Shanae
Age: 17
Location: Philadelphia
Question: I grew up with my neighbor he always lived next door to me all of my life while we lived with my grandma and we always liked each other growing up I was just shy and I believe that that is why we never dated we are really good friends and even when I moved away a couple a times when I came back it was like I never left my family and his family know that we like each other and also has he will always have a special place in my heart no matter who he's dating or I'm dating I spent most of my childhood with him we kind of have a love and basketball type of relationship without the basketball I knew that I would lose my virginity to him when I was ready but it happened kind of strange we hadn't talked for a while because as we got older we had different things going on in our lives but it kind of came back to us and about 2 weeks before my 17th birthday I lost my virginity to him see I love him but I'm not in love with him i just really care about him because he has been there all of my life he was my childhood crush that just never went away every time i see him i still get nervous and i get butterflies in my stomach sometimes i find myself still running from him like i that same shy little girl but anyway after we had sex if got kind of awkward but then we worked it out but now its like im not sure we havent really talked in months I don't like to call him because i don't really know what to say and i want us to have a better relationship then we do now i don't regret losing my virginty to him but sometimes i think that maybe the one time was enough and we shouldn't have did it anymore because it only deepened my emotions for him i don't like the term friends with benefits but in reality thats what we were but to me after awhile it just seemed like all we had was a physical relationship and he had a on and off again girlfriend and i told him that i couldn't mess with him while he had a girl because thats not my style and i wouldn't want anyone to do that to me he told me they had broke up but when they got back together he didn't tell me that and i was upset with him because i felt that he was being sneaky i told him that he doesn't have to lie to me because we have a much better relationship than that we are close friends andi want him to always be upfront with me about everything anyway my whole point is that I know that nothing will ever happen between us as of right now but who knows what the future holds but that's not the point i'm in a relationship I just want to know how can I be a better friend to him because I can't blame it all on him I kind of cut myself off from him like I do most people when I'm not sure what my next move should be so how to repair my relationship with my friend because i care about him so much and I don't want to lose him when the only problem that we have is a communication problem

VictorM's advice:

Phew! Try reading that in one breath! Damn Shanea, can't you afford some commas and some periods? :-p

Anyway, the reason you are not better friends has nothing to do with you. Guys, pure and simple, don't have much use for female friends (unless benefits, or the fantasy of benefits, are involved).

Submitted on Monday, June 08, 2009
By: Leanna
Age: 20
Location: Hawaaii
Question: I need advice or perhaps reassurance??
I've been in a relationship for almost 5 months now. And I'm completely in love with this guy, never felt this way about anyone. Love how I feel when I'm around him, can't even really define my feelings towards him. We clicked fast, said i love you about 2 months in the relationship. It was hard and scary for me.

So my boy has a really crazy ex, who can't let him go. She's like a shadow that wont stop following us since the very beginning of our relationship. She came up with stories that she was pregnant with his baby, that her mom has cancer he needs to come see her, she only has months to live (all untrue). Calls him 24/7 mostly to bitch at him about how i keyed her car (not true) blah blah, god knows what. Anyways i want to know why he still gives an ear to listen to a lot of her bullshit. And sometimes questions me if I've done some of the stuff she's said I've done. Of course he believes me. But it comes down to me wondering why he still answers her phone calls, when she clearly just makes him upset with her arrogant allegations. He reassures me how much he loves me ,wants to be with me, take the next step and move in together, that she's the past, there's absolutly nothing there. I love him so much I'm stuck wondering if this relationship is always going to be a trio with her lingering around. If it's worth it, will she ever move on. It brings me to tears to think of the heartache i can already feel in my stomach if i were to end it over someone who wont give up.

I guess my question is if he fully hasn't let her go yet, by still answering her calls from time to time, despite how i feel about it. They were together for 1 1/2 and she was his first love. We had met almost a year after they were broken up and were friends a long while before we even got together. My feelings for him took some time. But we're really good together, see each other on a regular basis, never argue cause we know how to pick our fights. I love him deeply i don't want to give him up over the "past".

VictorM's advice:

I can think of several reasons for his behavior, none of them having to do with him having feelings for her or having doubts about you. Whether any of these apply, I don't know, but give them some thought.

-- Knowing her, and therefore knowing how crazy she is, it's possible that he knows she could get a lot crazier, and by giving her his ear, he at least keeps her in relative control.

-- He's an appeaser, a people-pleaser who avoids confrontations (which might explain why you never fight more than you knowing how to pick your fights).

-- She may act crazy but he knows that deep down she's not as bad as she appears and out of fondness for what she meant to him, he's giving her some slack.

Regardless of the reason(s), I can't blame you for being annoyed at the situation. Whether out of sympathy for her, non-confrontational personality on his part, or because he still harbors some feelings for her, I see no silver lining here. Exes are evil, and for the most part -- and in this case in particular -- should stay in the past, with as minimal contact as possible.

Nothing good is going to come out of him still listening to her, and the sooner he realizes that and tells her to fuck off, the happier you'll both be. Because otherwise, the problem will escalate.

Submitted on Sunday, June 07, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hi victor,
i have questions about two separate guys and the way they think. girls would never act like this!

the first guy i went out with a while ago on a date, and i thought it went very well. then he called a few days later and was like, i am going out of town, ill give you a call when i get back. then he came back and said, oh i am very busy, so lets go out next week. i said ok. then he called the next week and said, oh i have been so busy, but i am going to this bar tonight so come by if you have a chance. of course i did not come by. i can take a hint. i forgot about him after that. then, i ran into him this weekend out at a bar that we both go to. he was acting very friendly, came over to sit with me and my friends, kept staring at me and asking me questions, and then asked me if i want to go to this concert. i said i wasnt sure. then he went outside to smoke and his friend kept telling me, oh he has been talking about you nonstop. so if someone apparently liked me, why would they disappear for so long and tell me they are so busy and make up excuses not to hang out? should i just forget him? oh and also when he left the bar he acted really weird and i stood up and gave him a hug and he acted surprised.

ok the second guy is someone i have gone out with a few times. he always tells me he likes me so much and he has never met anyone like me, blah blah, typical stuff. anyway he is always calling me to see if i want to go out and even when i went out of town last week, he called to see if i was having fun on my trip. anyway he called a few days ago and we agreed to go out last night but i didnt hear from him until 8 or 9, so i made plans with someone else, so when he called i said i was too tired and said, can we go out tomorrow instead. he said ok, i will call you tomorrow. and you can guess what happened... he never called today!

why are guys so strange? i meet a lot of guys (as you can tell from all the questions i ask you!) but i like both of these guys a lot more than other guys i have met recently and would love for them to stop acting weird.

VictorM's advice:

Ellie, you boy magnet, you. :-p

There's nothing strange about their behavior. The problem is that you, like many women in your situation, have a problem dealing with reality and so you make up an alternate world to avoid dealing with the truth. Put simply: these guys sorta, kinda like you, they bullshit you like most guys are prone to do just so as not to burn any bridges, but instead of recognizing and accepting that they just aren't that much into you, you prefer to call them strange and weird.

Most of us humans have a way of holding back the full truth, either to prevent hurting people's feelings or not to deal with the consequences of telling the truth. So instead of "I kinda like you but only sometimes, and right now it's not one of those times" you get "I'm too busy." Instead of "I like being with you unless I have a better offer," you get no calls the next day. But you're no different. You didn't go out with one guy because you had made plans, but that's not what you told him; instead you said you were too tired. See? Just look in the mirror -- we're not all that different from each other.

Submitted on Sunday, June 07, 2009
By: nicola
Age: 26
Location: england
Question: I have met a beautiful guy online i really fancy and he wants to meet up to have fun but the trouble is he has a a girlfriend of 4 months now. I'm scared to meet him and start having fun with him in case I fall for him.

What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

Of course you could fall for him, after all, a cheating man is so hard to find these days. *rolls eyes*

Anytime you involve someone else in your life, there is a risk. Some people are more adventuresome than others, and so it's really up to you to weight the pros and cons.

I will say that from my experiences women don't do the "just sex" gig very well, meaning, you'll either fall for him or you'll feel used. *rolls eyes again*

Submitted on Sunday, June 07, 2009
By: Constantly Confused
Age: 29
Location: Miami Florida
Question: I had a long distance relationship with a guy 7 years ago for about 3 years. He would wake me up or I'd wake him up in the morning, we would talk all day long and then fall asleep to each other at night on the phone when we weren't together.

After 3 years I confessed my love for him and wanted to be exclusive. He said that the timing was off and he cared about me but couldn't commit. So i basically told him I wanted to break all ties with him.

For 7 years I tried to get him out of my life. He became good friends with not only my brother but also all of my cousins and my family over the past 7 years. I moved to Miami where he lived 7 years ago. He moved to PA and was living there for the past 4 years. Just recently he moved back to Miami and into the apartment building that I live in, 2 floors above me. He also wants to not only be friends with me but also my boyfriend and all our friends. I'm having a hard time accepting this. For the past 7 years i was trying to get over my broken heart and this isn't making my life any easier.

VictorM's advice:

You don't ask a question but I assume you're looking for some ideas about how to handle this situation.

Chances are that he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing. He's just being friendly and looking for friends. Of course, he was never really emotionally involved with you so it doesn't pain him to see you with a boyfriend.

Are his motives sincere? I don't know. I mean, what are the odds of him moving to your same building? I'm not saying he's interested in you but it sure feeds his ego that someone who professed to once being in love with him is now just 2 floors below him.

But, he's free to live where he wants. And you can't keep running away. So what to do?

Do you tell him he's not wanted in the circle of friends? The danger here is that showing him that side of you will give him more power over you.

Do you tell all your friends and your boyfriend that he's not wanted and why? How confident are you that they would support you? If he's a likable guy many may feel it's time you suck it up and welcome him into the group.

You could simply avoiding him as much as possible. Or you could maintain friendly contact and learn that he's not nearly as wonderful as you imagined. Distance and time have a way of making people look better than they really are.

I'm afraid I can't be of much help because I relate more to his thinking on this than yours, which is something like: heck, what we had was minor, was so long ago, I was never in love, get over it and live in the now. So instead, I'll ask the female visitors to chime in and give you some feedback.

Submitted on Saturday, June 06, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 13
Location: Vancouver
Question: How do I know if he still likes me?

VictorM's advice:

That's not the question you should ask. Instead, ask yourself: Do I feel liked? Because it doesn't matter how much someone likes you if they don't show it in a way that makes you feel good.

Submitted on Saturday, June 06, 2009
By: Me
Age: 18
Location: This Place
Question: Okay, I am a really sexy girl, so I know how to pull that to my advantage. I'm Mexican, so that turns more guys on too. I go out with guys as quickly as I use razors (which is fast). This one guy I dated said that he loved me, so I dumped him. Then he called me a slut. Am I really? Should I take this to offense?

VictorM's advice:

Once you hurt a guy you might as well ignore everything he says. Angry guys aren't interested in telling you the truth, they are interested in doing and/or saying the meanest possible thing to you. It need not have any remote linkage to the truth. So... ignore the fool. But, on the other hand, if him mentioning that word upsets you, it sounds like you care about your imagine more than you let on. And while I see nothing wrong with you just having fun, flirting, teasing, and such, be aware that there is a double standard: with guys that's a badge of honor, with girls, not so much. His words, if echoed by other "razors," right or wrong, could give you a reputation you may not want. Just something for you to be aware of.

Submitted on Saturday, June 06, 2009
By: LeeLee
Age: 16
Location: LaLaLand
Question: I have known this guy since the day I was born. He saw me turn into a teenager (which was very awkward). When I turned 14 we started dating...we were in love. It wasn't stupid teenage romance, it was real. About a year after we started dating, I found out that he was going into the army. It completely tore me apart. When he got back, he visited me one last time to say goodbye. He had to go to jail. For what I don't know. Anyways, that was around my fifteenth birthday. I am almost 17!! What do I do to forget about him and move on until he's ready to behave and stay?? I still love him, but I want to get on with my life!! Help!!! Thanks...

VictorM's advice:

Your love for him is no different than any other teenage love, as much as you want to think differently. Basically, teenage love is a fantasy driven mostly by imagination. Sounds like the guy you fell in love with (fantasy) and the guy he really is (real world) are two very different types of people. It's amazing that you don't even know what he was going to jail for. Sounds like a real world situation too difficult for you to deal with.

You will not get over him as long as you keep thinking that someday he's going to behave and stay. You have to be willing to accept that he will not be part of your future and start opening yourself up to a different future than you imagined over the last several years.

The sooner you let go of the fantasy and start thinking real world, the sooner you'll get over him. But that may not be for a while yet.

Submitted on Friday, June 05, 2009
By: John Baker
Age: 25
Location: South Korea
Question: I posted before about my problem and things have changed drastically. My gf and I broke up almost 2 weeks ago. We had met after that and we talked about rebuilding and starting over. We were intimate for an entire weekend and then after that she said that it was too soon and we needed to start off as friends first. Since then we've been hanging out during the week and on weekends. I try to make intimate gestures and try to show her that I love her but whenever I do she finds a way to shrug it off. It's strange because there is an amount of sexual tension in the room when we're together now, but it seems like she's afraid to give in. She's still angry about what happened, but she wants to see me. I figure that over time she'll come around and see that she wants me in that way again, but I don't know if that'll happen. I've never been in this situation before. Any advice would be helpful. I love her and want to be with her again.

VictorM's advice:

Paging Mariana and sanantonerose... John is back.

As for me, I'll just say that you're not just looking seeking forgiveness from her, you're looking for her to trust you again. That's a much harder task. If you think that's going to come anytime soon, you're delusional.

There's a movie you ought to see. It's called The Last Kiss and it stars Zach Braff. Basically, he cheats on his fiance, she finds out, she throws him out on the street, but he decides he's going to do everything he can to win her back. His transgression his much worse than yours, but loss of trust is loss of trust, and the point is what you must be willing to do to get her back. The movie is flawed and way too simplistic, but I like how it ends. I won't spoil it for you, but you ought to see it. The Last Kiss is based on an Italian movie called L'Ultimo Bacio, which I've only seen parts of, but was more criticaly aclaimed.

Now, I turn you over to the ladies...

Submitted on Friday, June 05, 2009
By: Nadia
Age: 20
Location: Nebraska
Question: Okay, I'll try to be brief, but it's kind of a long story. I met this guy online, not really expecting anything to happen. We ended up talking a lot and really liked each other. He calls me just about every day and I'm crazy about him. The thing is, he lives half the country away from me. I'm going to college and he has a really good job where he lives. I was just wondering, do you think we will ever turn into something real or does he just want someone to talk to? Also, does he think we are just friends or something more?

VictorM's advice:

No, I don't think this will turn into something real. Humans need physical contact, and while it seems that girls can get a lot of mileage from fantasies such as online lovers, guys will give that up as soon as they can find a nice pair of real life boobs to play with.

As to what he thinks, you should ask him. I mean, if you don't even know that at this point, you're giving a lot of credence to my statement above.

Submitted on Thursday, June 04, 2009
By: Gabriella
Age: 18
Location: Connecticut
Question: Alrighty...this is going to be one HELL of a story...so sit back and relax. hahaha

im the kinda girl who plays guys....im cute and know how to work it in my best advantages...but there's a reason behind it, i've been cheated on a lot, and i don't take relationships seriously like all these other "in love" couples at age 16 would. I straight up tell the guy, "i need my space, and don't tell me you love me after 3 weeks of dating..."

I intended to have a one night stand with this guy...."okay weather was hot...everyone was drinking," so i went back to his place, we fucked and i went home.

I don't do this a lot, at ALL....

but for once i wanted to just flat out have sex. So fuck it...i did!

this kid is full blooded Brazilian...and i'm full blooded Italian.

we're both aquarius, and so we value personal space.

This kids name is Jr.

so Jr's best friend is my best friends boyfriend, that's how we met, i let him chase me.

but we started talking on the phone, hanging out. Then i went to his house again.

He has a terrible drinking problem, and always got drunk up the ass to the point he would pass out. No fun for me...

so then i met his family, and he asked me out as a his girlfriend, crazy i haven't had a relationship prior to this one for about 2 years, again i just like to have fun.

But i felt a strong connection, and once that feeling hits, i'm usually gone.

i don't like that feeling where i feel like i need to need someone.

But i kinda liked it for once.

He doesn't call for 3 days and i get pissed and upset, i thought he went to the club, he said he was going to church...HAHAHA!!!

...turns out, he was at church! again my friends mom is the pastor for this church and saw him there ALL WEEKEND!!!

i grew up catholic, and went to catholic school, i was the badass who always challenged authority.

So he calls me and he starts saying these things as if he was going to break up with me...i swore never to cry over a guy, dayum...i fucked up.

he said "Are you at your house? I'd really rather talk in person"
so he drove to my house then we took a drive, then he turns up the radio....

ITS CHRISTIAN MUSIC! oh shit...

so he tells me how he feels God is giving him a second chance and i told him if that's an excuse that that's gay and you're totally going to hell, if there is such a place..lol

but he really was all changed and shit, honestly though, i really couldn't speak for the fear of breaking down...i don't even know why i felt this way, i've been dating him for a month.

He asked me to go to church with him...and i did

i tried to stay as far away as possible, cause when i saw him that night i felt my heart break. but then i saw him so happy and i was happy. how weird???

but idk i went and he kept trying to hang out with me and walk towards me, i'm just preparing for the heartbreak

but so we're not broken up he says he wants to be with me for the right reasons. and that he was using me for sex and my nice body...hahaha

OKAY...but anyways we're not having sex anymore he stopped smoking cigarettes and stopped drinking....and i'm helping him study for his GED now and i picked him up some books and idk why i'm still with him...like i guess i want to be near him even if we cant get intimate in the ways i want to...so whats your take on this?!

lol

VictorM's advice:

Christian music? Poor you! :)

Anyway... he's happy, you're happy. What's there to think about?

Don't be afraid to love just because you might be let down again. Cocooning yourself will cause more pain in the long run.

But get an ipod and good earphones to listen to your music.

Submitted on Thursday, June 04, 2009
By: Julie
Age: 42
Location: AR
Question: My boyfriend of 3 years told me that he could not have me in his life right now, after several discussions of marriage. This happened three months ago. For the last two weeks we have begun talking again. He has two girls and I was a needy, controlling, pain in the a**. I was always a pain if he wanted to spend his weekend with his girls only and would make him feel guilty. I would also cry when he had to leave and go back to work after his lunch break.

I know this now and can clearly see it. I have sent him text messages over the last two months telling him that I am in coupling and working on the needy, controlling part of me. I have also apologized for all of the childish things I did in our relationship.He told me that he loves me and that he wants us to start talking and that he needed me to chill and stay calm.

My question is how much contact from me is too much? I have not been calling, however I do send him a couple of text messages each day. Usually to say good morning, have a good day, or good luck on a certain case. He has called me at least once a day for the past week and a half. Last night I even got an I'm home from work text message at 2:30am. He has a very demanding job, with no set times, as he is a detective. I love him with all my heart and do not want to mess things up this time around. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

VictorM's advice:

With guys, the general rule of thumb is to err on the side of less communication rather than more. That's because guys generally don't draw much pleasure from text messages, phone calls, emails, etc. and often find them annoying. Besides, if you do it everyday it becomes routine and it loses its significance.

Submitted on Thursday, June 04, 2009
By: Marie
Age: 33
Location: DC
Question: Been dating a guy for almost two months and had the talk with him about exclusivity. We are intimate and only spend about 1 maybe 2 times a week together. So i told him we were at a crossroads.. either he felt I was girlfriend material or just friend material. I told by this point he should know and we should be trying to find more time to spend together. He insisted he was not dating anyone else but his dating profile is active. He said he needs time to think about the choice I have placed on the table. What should I do... Assume he is not that into me? Not sure? Commitment phobias? I told him I am not looking for a lifetime commitment just move it to a level where we give it try and see what happens.

VictorM's advice:

Of course his profile is active -- who wants to be with someone who dishes out ultimatums after a couple of months?

Look, I know that 2 months sounds like an eternity to you, but to guys, it's nothing. You're asking him to commit before he's ready. This has nothing to do with phobias; it has to do with a mismatch in expectations between males and females. Guys don't fall in love that quickly.

I can understand you wanting, and expecting, more time together but you could have indicated that without drawing a line in the sand. But now that you did, I think the "I'll think about it" answer isn't exactly promising, is it?

Submitted on Thursday, June 04, 2009
By: Elizabeth
Age: 28
Location: California
Question: My boyfriend and I have great sex, sometimes up to 4 times a day. All of the sudden tho he is now telling me that sex is more important to me than it is to him and wants to back off a bit. Is that normal? Please help I'm very confused! Thanks

VictorM's advice:

Four times a day?! Do you have the paramedics standing by? Dear lord, does he have replacement penises?

Well, it's not very common for a guy to complain about too much sex, but depending on the ages and other factors in life, it's not that unusual. Absent other signs that something is wrong, sounds like the poor guy just wants to come up for some air. Buy a freakin' rabbit! And batteries by the carton.

Phew... Just from reading this, I need to take a nap now.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009
By: T
Age: 42
Location: Delaware
Question: OK, I dated a guy for 4 years, who just wanted to have fun no relationships. But actions, I thought spoke louder than words. Said he doesn't want to get into relationships ever again. We never had fights. Last summer he decided that we needed to move on after I completed schooling for new career etc. He started seeing 2 other people from another state. He eventually moved one into his house from the other state. She is younger. He was seeing both of us until he moved her in at end of summer. He said that she reminded him of me. He moved her in at end of last summer. He is still talking with me and other extra activities. Is he really that faithful to her and he wants all to get along? How can he cheat on her? What is your opinion?

VictorM's advice:

How can he cheat on her? Very easily. It's done all the time, quite often with much more at stake.

As you said, he wants fun more than relationships. I'd say he's being true to his word, and he's proving it by his actions.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009
By: Whitney
Age: 18
Location: USA
Question: i met this guy at over the summer last year. we started texting each other constantly because we live 3 1/2 hours apart so its hard to see each other especially since we are teenagers. we text every day and talk about everything. he doesn't seem to want to do long distance but i can't stop thinking about him. i love everything about him. i want to tell him how i feel but I'm scared it'll drive us apart. what should i do?

VictorM's advice:

What exactly are you expecting to happen by telling him how you feel? If you think that will make him feel the same way I think you'd be miscalculating.

Tell him, don't tell him, it makes no difference. But frankly, I would say tell him, for these reasons: 1) it'll be good to let it out of your chest; 2) as the saying goes: never ventured, nothing gained; 3) chances are he'll back away from you, but that's a good thing, because living in a fantasy world -- that's where you are now -- is not healthy and not a good thing in the long run.

He doesn't want a long distance relationship, so in essence, you're already apart.

Submitted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009
By: Gillian
Age: 12
Location: Penna
Question: I've recently changed to a girl's boarding school from my old public school, however there still is a boy I like there. I've recently befriended him on Facebook, and the first thing he said to me was, "I heard from someone that you like me. Is that true?". I told him that I do like him, but, do you think it would or wouldn't be weird for me to say,"Is this gunna be okay in our friendship?".

VictorM's advice:

No, don't say it. Just continue to talk to him like nothing.

(PS. Sorry, I don't respond to private emails).

For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.

Submitted on Tuesday, June 02, 2009
By: Bree
Age: 28
Location: Canada Toronto
Question: I have been seeing this guy since October but only on a casual basis(sex)as I told him I was in a relationship and only wanted him for one thing..Well as we spent more time together, I really did start to fall for him but again, he knew that I already had a "boyfriend"..One day I told him(via email)that I did like and care, had feelings for him..He emails me back with "I like you but don't want a relationship"..This makes no sense to me why he would say that as he knows I'm already in one.

After this, I told him that I wanted to see him, order in food, watch a movie etc..He tells me that he needs a break from all this and to give him space..

I tell him ok, then write him a pretty long letter telling him I misconstrued my feelings..When I told this guy I liked/cared about him, it was really meant for my boyfriend and he is nothing to me but a friend/lover and I'm sorry if I made this out to be something it is not..I thought I was doing a good thing by telling him this as I thought maybe when I mentioned feelings to him, he became scared..

Almost 2 weeks go by and I didn't hear anything from him so I wrote him a couple of times during that period..He then emails me with "thank you for everything but leave me alone".
I'm so upset as this guy I did really like and I'm so confused as to why he would say that..
PLEASE any help you can offer would be great..

And also, should I contact him in a certain period of time? It's been 2 weeks since this happened..

VictorM's advice:

Which part of "leave me alone" don't you understand? Leave the guy alone! Don't contact him again.

As you said, your words scared him. He wants nothing to do with you. Really, it's not that hard to understand.

Submitted on Monday, June 01, 2009
By: Nikki
Age: 16
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Question: This past semester I was asked to prom completely out of the blue by a senior. Not any senior, but the cutest most popular senior. This, of course, sounds like a girls greatest dream, and it did seem like it at first. We would txt all day long basically then chat on facebook until 3amish. i started to really like him. Then things started to digress and we'd talk less and even when prom was around the corner we'd still talk but not as much. We'd mostly talk late at night.

he once asked why i wasn't dating anyone and i said "i guess no one likes me like that and i don't like them like that" kinda lying and he replied with "well, someone likes you and you should like them back" but he never would tell me who. he offered to take e to see the Hannah Montanna movie i really wanted to see. he showed all the signs of liking me.

by the time we went to prom i thought that it was stupid and he probably didn't like me after us not talking as much. then before prom he took me to olive garden eve though all of his friends wanted to go to ihop and i told him to pick whatever. then throughout the night he asked me to dance and when i almost tripped held my hand for a while, he flirted with me at after prom when we were swimming at the ut rec and it seemed like he really liked me.

we talked a little after that, i went to his grad party where he was super nice to me and i got him a gift he loved and thanked me for days after. this isn't really a does he like me question, but more of a should i go for it or give up? because he's been spending a lot of time with this other senior girl and the other night he went to go see Up and i asked him why he didn't invite me playing around and he said because it was just him and someone else and he thought i wouldn't want you to third wheel. so he likes someone else so i'm not sure if i should just give up on him or not if he's interested in someone else.

What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Boys are seldom in a hurry to get into a relationship. They prefer taking it slow, meeting several girls, and letting fate dictate the course.

Continue to be friendly and nice because you never know what's going to happen.

Submitted on Monday, June 01, 2009
By: Laura
Age: 18
Location: U.S
Question: So I broke up with a boyfriend I had been dating for a while and ended up meeting another guy at a party. We hung-out quite a bit and ended up having sex with him, my first time. (yes i was a virgin). Even after it had happened he made some contact with me but then after a while he just stopped, and eventually I got over it. Now, its been about a month and a half(maybe 2?)since I last heard from him when out of nowhere I get a call from one of my friends the other day saying that he (let's call him chuck) called asking her if I was with her, where I was and if she would be sure to give me his number and call him. She said "chuck" sounded like he really wanted to talk to me. So I waited a few days to call him and when I did he started asking me how I was and how he lost his phone or whatever, but I mean, I was pissed off and had a crap ton of built up anger (lol) so of course I just kind of cut him off and basically asked him why he was calling me now after like a month and a half and then he became a complete asshole, saying I had no right to be mad and that at the time he wasn't looking for a relationship and blah blah blah. Then he had the nerve to say that he was "watching a movie and if he could call me back when it was over." Of course I said absolutely not and hung up. What I want to know is why did he call? Did he miss me, or was he just looking for someone to mess around with again? Whenever we did hang-out we really did have a lot of fun. I mean I think he was a bit intrigued by me b/c I was so different from other girls he knows. And even though he comes off as a douchebag I know he has a soft side...the night we had had sex, he knew I was a little upset since my first time was different than what I had hoped it would be, when he was dropping me back off to my dorm, he held my hand which was sweet. I'm just confused though b/c on the phone he sounded like he was actually happy to hear from me but talking to him he went back to being such as ass...I really don't get it. Not only that but all the trouble he went through to get a hold of me? He called a guy that knew my friend, got my friends number from him, then called my friend so that she would make sure that I called him...he went through all that just so he could be an ass? Guys are so incredibly dense and confusing sometimes...please help!
B1: Submit

VictorM's advice:

You're trying to see things that don't exist.

You say he went through a lot of trouble to call you. Two phone calls is a lot of trouble? I don't think so. And he didn't do it to be an ass, he did it to get himself an easy piece of ass... again.

You say he has a soft side... don't we all? Besides, being nice to you because he wanted to fuck you is hardly an action worthy of a medal.

If you're going to be dealing with guys, you have a lot to learn. For you to even consider the possibility that a guy who spent one night with you would call you some two months later because he misses you is the epitome of naivete.

Somehow you want to hold on to some measure of sweetness about your first time. You want him to be that which he's not. And that is the problem.

Submitted on Monday, June 01, 2009
By: Lee
Age: 32
Location: Seattle
Question: I'm hoping you can help me out with something. A while back, I had a drunken one night stand with a male friend who already has a long-term, long-distance girlfriend. Afterward, I developed a crush on him, but he made it clear that it was a mistake, and though some drama ensued we wound up at least marginally fine. He avoided me for a while, then started flirting with me again, then back to avoiding, then somehow settled on normal. I still liked him, but I got the message, and I finally thought we were fine. Well, time went on and my crush subsided, and it really felt like we would get our friendship back.

But now, out of nowhere, he is back to avoiding me again! I understood it before because things had just happened, he knew I still liked him, I acted a little nutty honestly, blah blah blah. But why, after we have finally, after months and months of drama, gotten our friendship back to almost normal is he pulling away again? I admit to still liking him a little, but I never flirt with him anymore, I have stopped trying to get him to talk about the incident, I've basically accepted that nothing more is going to happen. I swear, he was nicer to me when there was drama going on than he is now! Did he just feel sorry for me back then, and now that I'm mostly over it he doesn't care anymore? Is he still worried that I like him even though I take pains to act as platonic as possible? Did he expect me to keep flirting with him even after he made it clear he was unavailable? What the heck?

Just to be clear - I didn't turn totally cold or something. I still invite him to hang out with the rest of our friends, I still laugh at his sometimes dumb jokes, but I just don't hang over him the way I used to. I thought that was what he wanted! But now he gets all nervous every time he talks to me, which isn't often because he's usually busy running away when I'm near. If I didn't have to see him every day, I'd probably just forget the whole damn thing, but we work together so it's impossible. Is there anything I can do to salvage this friendship? On a side note, talking to him about it isn't an option b/c the last time I tried to bring things up a few months ago, he got really mad at me and said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. (We never really did talk about it, but that's another letter). Help!

VictorM's advice:

He's avoiding you now because he realizes you still like him and he doesn't feel like dealing with it.

Could he come back and be friendly, even flirty? Sure, but that won't mean he wants you, it just means he needs an ego boost and he's sure you'll give him one.

You will never be friends like you were before. Never. NEVER.

He meant what he said at the time but it's all talk because once the initial flurry of excitement subsides, he may not feel the same way again. He sounds too excited too soon.

Explain why you made stuff up, don't make a big deal about it, tell him the truth, and whatever will be will be.

By the way, if you prefer confidential replies, join the forum and use the Personal Message feature to send me a question and receive a reply.

Submitted on Sunday, May 31, 2009
By: PRC
Age: 19
Location: Canada
Question: I went to high school with a guy named 'John'. John was very popular, played on sports teams, & dated a lot of girls. I will admit , he was cute but he had a jerk & jock kind of personality (only dated pretty and popular girls) ... he definitely was NOT my type. This past summer after I completed high school, I got this job. To my surprise, John was also going to be working at the same place as me. For the whole 3 months that we both worked together, we got to know each other really good and I came to the conclusion that maybe John wasn't such a bad guy after all. The type of connection that we had at work was just friends to him. I liked him as more than a friend but I was too afraid to tell him because I didn't know how he would react. Our summer job ended and we both turned 19, which is the legal age to go to the clubs and consume/ buy alcohol in our province. Every weekend we would see each other out at the club and he would come up to me to say hi and we would have a small talk then go our own ways. I finally got the courage to tell him that I liked him and he also said he liked me back. Ever since I told John I liked him, he started to act very different towards me. He would avoid me when we were out together and turn his head whenever he would see me. I took the hint that maybe he did not like me but only told me he did just so I wouldn't feel bad. I then started to not look at him /talk to him and avoid him when we were out because I felt embarrassed. Things suddenly changed. John started talking to me again, only this time... hugging me, complimenting me saying that i looked nice, dancing with me, and even kissing me on the cheek in front of all his friends! This went on for a month. Now he has his days where he will approach me and days when he turns his head and avoids me. I am so confused. I don't know if he likes me or not. One minute John seems to like me and the next he don't. I really want to go out on a date with him but I don't want to ask him , I want him to ask me but he never did. My question is, why would he be acting this way and what should I do now?

VictorM's advice:

John is not into you.

The behavior you describe is very typical for a guy.

Step 1) You told him you like him and he pulled away;

Step 2) You ignored him and so getting your attention became a challenge;

Step 3) Having gotten your attention, he now pays attention to you when he's in the mood. Sometimes he is, sometimes he's not.

What you should do? You should realize and accept that John is not into you and that talking to you and even being nice are just social manners, not signs of romantic interest.

Submitted on Sunday, May 31, 2009
By: Aliesha
Age: 16
Location: Calgary
Question: so i met this guy. he seemed pretty interested in me and he always talked to me and i didn't really care at all about talking to him but he seemed pretty interested in me so i just whatever like i just went along with it. and he flirts with me and he keeps making plans for us to hang out. and then one night, which was the night before we hung out, we were talking he was flirting and he asked to go to a movie and i agreed. so he told me to look good tomorrow and he also earlier in the convo he asked me to go on cam and he seemed like he really wanted me to go on for some reason but i didn't. so anyways yeah so my friend that also knows him i told her everything that he asked to go on cam and stuff. and the next day i chilled with the guy.

we had lots of fun we laughed and everything and i forgot my money and he paid he asked me to sit in the corner and he asked to make out so we did. and we were talking and connecting with each other and he told me he doesn't like telling people things and he likes to keep things to himself and i told him i'm like that too. he is 18 by the way. so he offered to drive me home cause after the movie it was pretty late and so he drove me home and when i went home we were texting and he told me he had fun and stuff. and that we should be friends for now and see what happens later on.

the same day by the way he came to my school to come visit me all the way form his school which is in the other side of the city. well he said he came to see some guy but he said he also wanted to see me too so yeah. and that same night after the movie my friend that i told her about me and the guy's conversation goes and tells his best friend and his best friend told him and then he got mad at me and said he didn't want to chill with me anymore.

and i felt really hurt cause i was actually starting to like him and he got pretty mad about the whole situation and now he thinks i'm one of those girls who go around telling people everything :( he didn't want me to tell anyone about me and him making out so i didn't. and i promised him i wouldn't too. so yeah i sent him texts throughout the next day and he seemed pretty unresponsive so i decided to get on with my life and ignore it just for now and see what happens later. and when i text him cause i'm bored, which is pretty rare, it's just like hey what's up and he still seems pretty unresponsive until one day i text him on a friday night a couple months after we went to the movie and he texted and he wanted to pick me up so we can chill. and he called me and i said i couldn't cause i had family over so he insisted that i should sneak out and i told him i will then and i will text him when to come. but instead i felt it wasn't right for just leaving my family and sneaking out plus i'm trying to change and become a better person so i texted him back and i said i cant jsut leave my house i'm not like other girls and he never texted back. and its been about a week now and i haven't talked to him since. but i want him to be attracted to me again so we can start over and stuff .. and i want him to see that i'm becoming a better person.

i just wanna know if there is any thing i can do any lines to say to him or something to keep the ball rolling again. any advice?

VictorM's advice:

Good of you for having stayed with the family.

Well, the best approach is not to make a big deal of it. And don't be making a fuss about him. He seeked you out once before and he probably will once his little-boy tantrum is over. The less attention you give him when he's not talking to you, the more he'll want to talk to you.

Submitted on Sunday, May 31, 2009
By: Andi A.
Age: 16
Location: New Mexico
Question: Okay, I'm not sure whether this guy likes me or not. I've known him a little for about two years because we had a math class together and he was in my group when we needed more than one other person in a group for a project. I didn't have any classes with him this past year but we've said a couple words here and there. Well, about a week or two ago I went to a friend's party who he is also good friends with. Well it was a very messy party and when our friend figured out that I had lasted without getting messy this guy chased me and tackled me and I was slimed. After a few people jumped in the river and he didn't want to drive his truck and offered to let me drive it so he didn't get it wet but I can't drive a stick shift. When we all got back to the house he cleaned the slime off my arms for me. After there was only a few people left at the party and we were all playing cards he said that we should all go to my house some time and hang out again and then we exchanged numbers. When I finally was free to have this get together he couldn't go because he had to get ready for a cruise that he was going on in a day or two. He is also in general a pretty friendly person.

So what should I do and does he like me or is he just friendly?

VictorM's advice:

Ah, you crazy New Mexico kids. :)

Even if he's just being friendly, that's a good start. Be friendly back and see where it leads. You never know...

Ask him to teach you how to drive a stick. Guys love to show off!

Submitted on Sunday, May 31, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 23
Location: Nevada
Question: About a month ago, I asked a guy out on a date and we have been hanging out since. We click and got each other right off the bat. This past week, he has been really distant and finally told me yesterday that he just wanted to be friends. Usually when a guy does this or even when I do this, we stop talking to the other person... almost completely. But he keeps inviting me to parties and hang outs with him and his friends. And is still willing to open up to me. Friends are fine but there is definitely physical attraction here which I refuse to partake in. Friends with benefits = BAD idea. I don't know what his intentions are. This is out of the ordinary for me and I was hoping for a bit light. Thanks :)

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he enjoys your company but doesn't want to get serious. But guys seldom want friendship for friendship's sake. I bet he harbors the desire to poke you. Doesn't mean he'll actually try it, but it's fun being around a girl we find sexually attractive. There's always that "what if..." hanging in the air. And if you're really attractive, you may be the trophy friend to show off in front of other friends.

Submitted on Sunday, May 31, 2009
By: Chelsea
Age: 17
Location: Kentucky
Question: Dear Victor

I am very upset! I'll explain why;

So sure enough, Jon asked me to see a movie this very Sunday this past Friday at school after the talk I had with him saying we needed to see each other outside class. I was quite happy. He waited till after class to tell me in person so I thought "Ha, he's nervous; I take it that this will be a date." But after what happened yesterday night, I really am not so sure.

He asked me to see the movie "Drag Me to Hell" and he knew I didn't like scary movies much, but he knows I can tolerate them. I said to just text me on Sunday and that was that; we were off to our buses to go home. He texted me afterward and talked to me for maybe 5 minutes and the conversation was done. Wow I could just feel the enthusiasm radiating off of him; NOT.

Then he proceeded not to talk to me that Friday night nor Saturday until I texted him around 11:30 PM. Guess what he said upon my saying hello, "Oh my god Chelsea guess what I just saw; Drag me to hell! It was perfect. I HAVE TO SEE IT WITH YOU! It was that great!" I was immediately angered that he would even consider seeing the movie he asked me to see and then have the nerve to brag about it...

I stayed calm, it wasn't my place to get upset at him I supposed but man, he's being way more trouble than he's worth. Despite being furious, I continued the conversation friendly enough. I then asked "Oh yeah? Well did you go by yourself?" and he said "No, I went with my friend... she was just as stoked as I was to see it." I was extremely shocked and sad at this point. He had to wait until Sunday to see me when any other girl could get him to go on a whim!?! Why couldn't he see me Saturday? He could have already had plans I guess, but something about it seems so last-minute (I think he would've known what movie they were going to see by then and wouldn't have offered to see it with me I'm supposing). I feel extremely low on his priority list. He knows I like him and he's shunning me like the bubonic plague or something! Last time I checked he reciprocated my feelings?!?

I'm frankly not feeling anything from him anymore. I don't know if we're going today. Honestly, I doubt that text message saying we're going will reach my inbox; let alone be typed by his own fingers. Then I said "Well it sounds like an interesting movie. Are you positive you want to see it again tomorrow, though?" and he said "I might!" So I guess we're still on for today. We talked for a good hour but as soon as I try my hand at keeping the conversation going (which I feel I do quite well) he tapers off. Either that or he was just so tired he fell asleep (it was nearing 1 AM and he did mention he was laying down). Although, part of me thinks that I need to stop making excuses for him.

Now the real confusing factor is whether or not to consider this a date! I thought it was... I was anticipating maybe kissing him or holding his hand but is it relatively out of the question now? I'm so confused I could scream! But to be safe, I am not making any moves on this "hang out" (direct from his vocabulary ha) if it even happens. He needs to start pulling his own weight!

I have to freaking spell it out for him to get him to do anything. I feel like we have a ton of chemistry in person but he's so socially stupid sometimes! He's extremely book-smart but yet when it comes to dating he's a total idiot. I know he's awkward and hates being embarrassed but come on!

In the back of my mind I feel I should give up. I don't want to. My friend wants me to date this guy who is friends with her boyfriend and I've been blowing him off even though he shows plenty of interest in me though having never met me! I feel like an idiot who is wasting their time...

I'll go if he asks but really... what is your input on this situation!?! I would highly value your opinion because what you have said usually rings so true...

Thank you so much for putting up with me!

He asked me to see "Drag Me to Hell" but it seems that there's no way in hell he'd ever see it with me!

Chelsea

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he's just socially awkward and his mistakes are more due to that than anything else.

If you don't want to give up on him, maybe you need to be a little more direct with him, stuff like "Hold my hand, you fool!" :)

How did it go on Sunday?

Submitted on Thursday, May 28, 2009
By: Kel
Age: 24
Location: MI
Question: Hi Victor,

I have a general question about guys. I've read a lot of your answers to others' questions and I know that you say most guys don't like the phone, texting, etc...and that they don't feel the need to talk as often/much as girls typically do. I believe you described it as something along the lines of, "A girl's day is like a guy's minute" (sorry if I got that wrong).

My question is, how can you tell when a guy is just being a "guy" versus them not being that interested in you? I'm not saying that two people should talk every day or anything like that - there are definitely days in which I come home from work too exhausted to do anything but veg out in front of the TV and fall asleep. But I guess I'm wondering when it becomes a matter of the guy not being into you rather than a guy just wanting a couple of days to himself. I'm sure there's no set amount of time or anything like that to determine the answer :b but I was curious to know what your opinion is.

My guy friend told me that if I'm ever unsure about how a guy feels, I should just "mirror" his actions...meaning, don't text/call/ask him out unless he does it first. I'm torn on this issue - I do think that men like to pursue women, and that if a guy really likes you, he will make the effort. But another part of me feels like that's playing games in a way - not being direct with the guy about how I feel/what I want from him. What do you think?

Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Ah, terrific question.

First, you shouldn't take your clues from him -- some guys are great bullshitters and some can't express how they really feel; you should take the clues from yourself: are you happy? Do you feel appreciated and respected? Because basically it comes down to how you feel, and it doesn't matter how much a guy is into you, if you're not happy, nothing else matters.

Second, when you first start seeing a guy, understand that he's not a mind reader and that not all girls like the same thing. So it's up to you to verbalize what your expectations are, preferably using positive feedback, not nagging. Talk in first person: "I love it when..." "I'm happy when..." "I place a lot of importance on..."

Third, learn the difference between an explanation and an excuse. "I will be busy for the next 5 days and may not be able to text much" is an explanation; "I was so busy" after he went AWOL for 5 days is an excuse.

If you communicate your expectations as illustrated in the second paragraph above, and if you feel things lacking a bit from his side, do hold back from communicating first. You gain better information by waiting for him than you do by contacting him first all the time and then nagging him about it.

This is not a game; this is what dating is all about: learning about the other person and determining if he's a good fit for you.