Submitted by on Thursday, May 28, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 44
Location: Medina, NY
Question: I had a great 1st date with a guy I met off the internet. He mentioned he may have commitment issues. He called every day the first week. On our second date, we met at a quaint coffee shop, he mentioned that I was his first second date and how his newphew could not believe he was actually going on it. His body language showed he was very interested and he said he was looking for something like this. We then went for a walk and back to my place to watch a movie. There was a lot of kissing and things became very heated but we both opted to think with our heads and we were not intimate. He said he respected me and wanted to see me again. He said he would call me the next night. No word from him. I waited 3 days, called him and asked if he was no longer interested in chatting. He said he was having trouble with his cell phone service and he was glad I called his home phone. He said he was getting a new cell phone provider the next day and would be up and running and give me a shout sometime this week. He also had to business travel to Albany this week and said he would return this Friday afternoon. It has been 3 days since we spoke and still no word from him. I really, really like him and am beginning to panic that I will not hear from him since his phone call pattern has changed. I am so confused and wondering if he has fear kicking in?

VictorM's advice:

Whether he's losing interest in you or not, the decline in phone calls is natural. And with the traveling and all, I would try not to reach any conclusions for now.

Wait till he's back home and he's settled back with his new phone service. If the pattern of declining communications continue than it's safe to assume he lost interest in you. In fact, just as advanced warning, if he gives you the excuse that he's too busy, the party is over.

There ought to be a warning that exciting first few dates are no reflection of continued future interest. Guys can be very interested early on and lose that interest in a flash.

But anyway, give the guy at least until next week to see how it goes.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 27, 2009
By: Alias
Age: 24
Location: US
Question: I am a medical student and I'm interested in dating a resident. I'm 24 and he is 32. This isn't a problem for me, but the oldest guy I've ever dated was just 2 years older than me.

The resident is training in the specialty I hope to go into and I've talked to him a few times about it - twice in person and once on the phone. I think he is interested in me because the first time I saw him, he gave me the once over a couple times and I looked at him, smiled, and he smiled back. A few minutes after that was the first time I spoke to him. He was talking to a bunch of med students about what training in his specialty is like and how to find a residency position. I asked about balancing work with a personal life, which I thought was a fairly subtle way to find out if he was attached, but I guess it wasn't cause his reply was 'are you curious about mine'. I got a little embarrassed, but recovered and asked him a few more things - how people manage to have kids during training and how the interview process works.

When I got up to leave he told me I 'seemed like a pretty cool girl' and added that I probably wouldn't have any trouble interviewing for residency. Then I complimented him on a photograph he took for the med school arts magazine and he blushed, looked away, and said it was 'all smoke and mirrors.' I emailed him a few weeks later asking if I could meet with him to talk to him about a city where he had trained. A few days later he stopped me in the hall and gave me his number. We talked on the phone for around 20 minutes. He told me to call if I had any other questions.

I'd really like to see him again, but in a non-school capacity. I've thought of a few medicine related things I can ask him about. I was thinking about offering to buy him a cup of coffee to thank him for taking the time out of his schedule to talk to me (he's training in surgery so he's very busy). I'd like to ask him out, but I'm not really sure how to do it since he's older and out ranks. Thankfully he does not teach medical students, so he will never be evaluating me (ie. I wouldn't end up dating the boss - never a good idea) but I still think I should proceed with caution. I'd appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks so much.

VictorM's advice:

Unless I'm misunderstanding things, you aren't his coworker per se and he's not your boss, and this isn't a typical teacher-student relationship either. Dating should not pose a problem in that respect. Also, 32 and 24 is not that big of a difference.

I don't see why you just don't ask him for coffee, dinner, or any other activity that gets you both out of your work/training environment.

In situations like this, caution is overrated. :-p

Submitted on Thursday, May 28, 2009
By: Amber R.
Age: 24
Location: MIA
Question: I recently read somewhere that most guys secretly feel their girlfriends are out of their league. I'm not sure about how true that is. My question is: do you think that some guys feel that they are out of their girlfriend's league? If so how can you tell?

VictorM's advice:

Amber, Amber, Amber... are you reading those girly magazines again? Stop! Those things will destroy your mind. :-p

I think that since guys initially get attracted to girls primarily based on looks, and since I think that most often the girl is much better looking than her boyfriend, guys feel insecure.

I think even straight girls will admit that on a per capita basis, many more girls are generally better looking than guys.

Also, it is possible that with so many more girls getting an education and being financially independent than in prior generations, a lot of guys are intimidated by that.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 27, 2009
By: Lyss
Age: 23
Location: ID
Question: I have been dating someone for 3 months now. I'm not trying to rush anything, but i would like to know where we stand. He told me from the beginning that he was not ready for a relationship due to his past relationship. However, he treats me like I am his girlfriend and told me to wait if i want to be with him. I'm just a little confused with this.

VictorM's advice:

"I'm not ready for a relationship" is a great line guys learn in Guy Boot camp -- there's a statue for the guy who came with that line because it works like a charm. That line allows us to enjoy all the perks of a relationship without much commitment. When we find a girl that swallows that line, it's party time! The "due to past relationships" is a nice touch, isn't it? It basically needs he's not over his ex.

There's nothing to be confused about: he told you his intentions upfront with the ulterior motive of getting the pleasure of your company without paying the relationship price, and you went along because you hope to trap him and make him change his mind. You're both into this with a hint of gamesmanship. When that happens, guys wind up happy and girls wind up confused.

"I'm not ready for a relationship" is an incomplete sentence. Here's the full text: "I'm not ready for a relationship with you. And this leaves me free to keep my eyes open for other girls without having to be alone while doing it."

The current situation will most likely go on until such time as he finds a girl that sets his loins on fire (could very well be his ex) or until you realize that you're wasting your time if a relationship is what you want.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 27, 2009
By: Emily
Age: 15
Question: Dear Victor,

Ok, so I need help with an older boy. But not just an older boy, an older boy that almost every freshman thinks is cute! (including myself) As you might have guessed I am a freshman and he is a sophomore. We go to a separate divisional school meaning that the boys have their own division and the girls have their own. We just have lunch together. During lunch he plays frisbee with his friends around where my friends and I hang out and I know that he has noticed me but I don't know if it's a good or bad kind of notice.

I don't know if how he acts is because he's somewhat interested or what. My friends and I hang out in a group and whenever I find myself just glance up at him for a few seconds he glances up too and we make like akward eye contact for a little and then I look down or at my friends after a little glance. He always hangs out by my group, but we hang out by all the girls who like him... I also had to stay inside the girls' school one day and came out like 5 minutes before lunch was over. All the other girls who like him were out, but he wasn't. It was bad weather but he had been out in weather like that before. I also noticed this other time we hung out by the girls school (which is the side he usually plays on and the side my friends and I usually hang out on) but then we went over to the other side and he began to kind of move on over towards us and finally he missed the frisbee and it landed right by my feet. My friend gave it to him because I really didn't even notice... I was the second freshman girl (the first one just adds everyone and she likes someone already) to add him as a friend of facebook and he accepted my request. But we never talk on facebook because neither of us are on at the same time. After that we had like field day and he kept popping up everywhere I looked, but then he disappeared... Field day was pretty gay. So these actions made me think he was interested. But, he sometimes talks to this cute little sophomore at lunch. He doesn't initiate the conversations but he does talk to her. He seems kinda flirty when he talks to her but I'm not really sure...

So the school year is ending and I don't really know how to exactly to start a conversation with him. From what I've heard and seen of him I think I like him... but I don't know if I even have a chance since like a bunch of freshman like him! But we're all in the same boat, no one knows him at all! Haha

Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Nothing that you wrote gives me a good clue as to whether he likes you or not. Boys like getting girls' attention, they like to flirt, they like to lock eyes... all of this they do for their own ego. And guys, specially around your age, like lots of girls at the same time. Having said all that, it is quite possible that he likes you, at least, that he likes your attention.

Since you're friends on facebook, that would be a good place to start a conversation. You don't have to be online at the same time to chat. You can ask him a question, and that's really all it takes to get a dialogue going. Ask him about something he likes, something as simple as: "How long have you been playing Frisbee? You're so good at it."

You don't stand a chance with him only if you never talk to him. Sure, there will be other girls competing for his attention, but if you smile, greet him using his name ("Hi, John"), and engage him in conversation about topics he likes, you'll go directly to the front of line.

Be a little assertive about what you want. Sounds like he's looking for you to do that.

Submitted on Tuesday, May 26, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 24
Location: Bay Area
Question: I have been dating my bf for about 2 1/2 years and I love him dearly and I know that he loves me too, he talks about marriage sporadically and always tells me that I am the only girl for him and that he could never imagine his life without me. I just want to know when or if he will ask me to marry him. His friends all waited 5 years or longer to ask their chick to marry them and honestly I do not think that I could wait that long. I never want to bring it up though because I worry that it will push him further away from the idea of marriage. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

Talk to him about marriage. Discuss it. It's what dating this long is all about. It's where it should lead to. But being scared to ask? If you're walking on eggs with this guy over asking him that question, you don't have much or a relationship.

Submitted on Monday, May 25, 2009
By: Angela
Age: 18
Location: Detroit
Question: Hi

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years now and I love him very much but i am tired putting up with all of the rumors that he's cheating. we are both seniors and he works and goes to school but he never calls me because his phone is not on but he has a house phone and when i call him they say he is not there and there are times when I don't see him for weeks at a time which worries me and has me stress out and I talk to him about this 6 different times and because i am worried he is going to fail his classes and he acts like it's no big deal. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Love is not enough if it's not reciprocated and if you're not respected.

Find another boyfriend; this one simply is not into you.

Submitted on Monday, May 25, 2009
By: Ariel
Age: 35
Location: California
Question: I have a male friend of 18 years. We went to high school together. I am emotionally torn by how he acts. Whenever he is with his friends (which I never see...never have) and I happen to call and chat with him, he treats me very rudely when his friends are with him. He has never not once come to visit me at my house but goes to friend's houses. Many times he says he will chat with me...then get a call from a friend, and then he is out and about, leaving me home to play a waiting game. Many times he ignores my calls.

I am not a pest by nature, but I have always loved him as a brother figure. My friends have told me that I need to tell him to take a hike, but a 18 year friendship is kinda hard to break, and i feel that I will regret it. He also listens to no reason, hangs up on me real fast avoiding conflict, and has cussed me out through text messages when he is involved with friends. He has a lot of them, men and women. He has no girl friend either..(so he says). I do not know what to do at this point, it breaks me and he has made me cry numerous times, but I just don't have heart to let him go. How do you reason with someone like this? Is there a way? Or should I just tell him to take a hike..and try and forget about him. I do not talk to him everyday. Is this abusive behavior? Please help, I feel like a prisoner!

VictorM's advice:

You have been playing the victim too much to be able to deal with this guy.

"I feel like a prisoner"? "He has made me cry." "Leaving me home to play a waiting game." Just listen to yourself. Who has respect for a friend who is so afraid and unwilling to stand up for herself?

You don't have to tell him to take a hike; you just have to behave as if you don't care if he takes a hike.

Submitted on Monday, May 25, 2009
By: linda
Age: 42
Location: usa
Question: Victor, I am wondering if you could please tell me how to approach this subject. I have been seeing a 52 year old man long distance for over two years. I am not going to say that I don't love him, I do. I do believe he loves me to. But..except for talking about our lives moving forward together if he wins the lottery...there are no future plans to close the gap between us. He says with this economy he can't make plans not knowing if he will have a job from day to day. Well, if he was that into me ... and REALLY wanted to be with me...I would think that he would want to be together and we deal with what ever comes down the pike as a team. Or am I wrong here?

We can go 4/6 weeks without actually being together. He does call me every day on his hour and a half lunch break and we talk the entire time. He calls me on his way home each evening. He will be on web cam with me for hours each night. He does spend all his free time with me. But, he does expect me to do more of the visiting than he does to my place. I am a single mom and it's hard to find someone to care for the kids so I can go see him. Yet, he doesn't put in a lot of effort to visit me. He only has his kids every other weekend. He tells me how much he loves me, misses me constantly. Maybe I am wrong that he doesn't want to be with me and because of finances and this bad economy he is being more realistic than I am? Your thoughts are welcome here!!

At this point I feel I need to break things off. This will not be easy! I do love him. But I feel my life is passing me by and I am not open for someone who will actually love me (and I him) enough to want to actually have a life and a future together. Please Victor, tell me how to approach this? I'm sure I will hear what I always hear when I bring up our distance, "I except things the way they are, this is our reality, I will take this over nothing, I can't imagine my life with out you in it"...well, if all that were true...then I think he would have done something by now to make sure that things were moving forward, don't you? Your advise, input, suggestions are valued!! Feel free to share any and all thoughts. Thank you Victor!!

VictorM's advice:

I do believe he's being more realistic than you, but that's because I'm a man. We tend to make a much bigger issue of holding a job, as we see it part of our self-worth. Men have been raised over the millenniums to be the providers and not having a job is seen as a massive failure. Women, it seems to me, just see the loss of a job as loss of income (serious enough, but having no negative impact on the ego); guys see it as a much bigger loss than that.

But, on the other hand, it seems that in terms of your relationship, his outlook differs a lot from yours. And such a disparity, I believe, won't be resolved when the economy upticks. I think his stance is really more reflective of another difference between males and females: he likes you, but with a lesser intensity than you like him. I think he likes having someone to talk to and maybe even feel loved, but also having the space that long distance provides.

To make it simple: he sees you as a side course, not the main dish. You, obviously, don't see it that way. The term "irreconcilable differences" comes to mind.

You don't specify what the distance between you two is. I'm curious about that and also, have you two discussed you moving closer to him? And if you have not, why not? I'd like to hear back from you.

Submitted on Monday, May 25, 2009
By: Chelsea
Age: 17
Location: Kentucky
Question: Dear Victor;

I could really use a wake-up call. I'm not a naive girl in the slightest, and after having many boyfriends, I still get emotional and hung up on the ones I find special...

Well here goes; about five months ago, when the second half of school started after winter break, I got a new schedule of classes (I'm a junior). Well, in my last class I didn't know or recognize anyone but this one boy. His name was Jon, I knew that, and decided that I would sit by him one day because he didn't seem to know anyone himself.

Quickly we got to know each other so well that we sat with each other every day; talked every day; worked together on every project; had many of the same interests. We were so much alike it was scary. After 3 months of knowing each other, he asked me one day "Hey, what's your cell number?" That very same day he texted me after school.

For the longest time I had thought we were platonic, and I did feel platonic towards him, but then after somebody in class made jokes about us secretly wanting to be with each other, it put the idea in my head; what if we were more? I quickly laughed it off that week... and three days later I realized I didn't feel platonic towards him at all anymore. I was incredibly attracted to him (which is hilarious because he is by far a skinny, dorky, nerd who's only had one girlfriend his entire life), and his similarities to me; I realized I was falling for him, but then I thought I could never tell him because he always acted platonic towards me, although I noticed when classmates joked about that he would never deny it and say we never would be more than friends; it was just me who refused.

A week past my realization, after our class ended and we were to go home, five minutes after the bell rang he texted me "So Chelsea, who are you liking nowadays?" and I said dumbly "What do you mean?" I was in such shock that he was asking me. So when he texted back "Guys, duh!" I messaged back "Oh, I think I maybe like two..." LIE! I was not sure if he was trying to get me to confess to him so I played it cool. After that statement he said "Two?!? Well I like some people too." and when I asked who, he lied out his ass. "Oh just random girls I see in the hallways haha." I wanted to tell him that day, but it was too hard and I hadn't entertained the thought of what it'd be like afterward.

Well after three weeks of torturing myself over not telling when it was obvious he liked me, when I was out of town to see family I texted him and said "By the way Jon, I like you and I just want you to know. If it means anything to you, then tell me now, but if not just forget I said anything." and sure enough he texted back "Chelsea it does mean something." and then we talked about our prospects as a future couple. He told me about how he was trying to confess that time I mentioned before and that his friends knew and if I ever doubted him, I could ask and they'd reassure me that he had feelings for me this whole time. I felt confident. He told me we'd take it slow and see how it went, I felt like something would happen.

Well, two weeks passed and he talked to me maybe twice outside school (which isn't too abnormal as he doesn't talk much outside school as it is) although when he texted me he said things he never said before like the word "cute" used to describe me, never had that come out of his mouth when we were friends. I felt we had changed somewhat but in class he was the same; he's always been physical with me, poking me, messing with my things, doing things to annoy me, trying to get my attention by hitting me or making jokes about my appearance. He is kind of old school with flirting... like grade school style.

So after realizing with his lack of communication that we weren't going anywhere and he wasn't talking I messaged him outside class myself. Before we get into that, I'll tell you a bit more about his personality. He is a long-distance runner on the track team, and his mom pushes him in school so he is bombarded with homework from college credit classes. When he gets home and has free time he'll most likely spend it alone watching movies by himself, reading, and going to the cinemas alone. He has described himself as willingly lonely. He joked one time saying that he'd rather be alone than get married. So basically after being busy all day he just wants to be alone it seems.

Well back to the latest conversation. I messaged him acting friendly and normal, no flirting, no cutesy talk. Then he stopped talking (which he does a lot when conversations get too boring and normal to him). I took a shower right after I was sure he stopped then when I got out I broke down and cried. I decided I had to know what was going on, I messaged him again saying I had to ask him something. Of course, he answered back saying "spill". So I asked "Are you really sure you like me? I want you to be honest." and he said back "Yes, it's just that I'm confused as whether or not we should be just friends or more." and I asked why. He said "Just because of everything I'm doing this summer I don't see it working." I then asked what was going on this summer with him. "I'm done with school after this week since I already took my exams, then I'm going to be in Ohio to live with my dad for most of summer (not too big a deal because ohio is 15 minutes away) then at the end of June I have GSP."

GSP is the Governer's Scholar Program which is where select smarty-pants kids go and live in dorms on a college campus and experience life for five weeks, no visitors aloud. Of course I became even more upset. I told him that I would make an effort to see him before he went and I didn't mind driving a little; that I could handle when he went away a month without seeing me and still like him a ton when he got back. Well, he said "That means a lot to me... If so then I wouldn't mind it either." and yet again he gave me hope. We began talking about how we viewed relationships. He said he has to be friends with a girl before dating her and that he'll always see a friend first, girlfriend second. I asked him if he liked anyone besides me and he said no.

Now it's been 5 days and he hasn't talked since. I don't know what he's thinking, I know he wouldn't string me along, wouldn't hurt me, and would always be honest with me to a fault. That is our friendship; open, sharing even uncomfortable things. So now I don't know anything and with 7 days of school left I need some advice on what to do... or what NOT to do. People have told me to talk in person about our feelings since we have yet to do that, some say let him go and get busy with my life and he'll come running back wondering where I went. I know he is no ladies man; he is the 'friend-zone' guy to girls almost 99% of the time. Plus if he meets anybody at that college thing, he'll never see her again so I'm not worried about that. He is more feminine than manly (some have speculated he's gay) but I know he isn't by how he talks about certain females. The only girl he had cheated on him and he has a fear of photos being taken of him. His self-esteem is not the greatest... but that's him and I like him all the more. I know my feelings will still be there at the end of summer but do you think his will be if I let him go and do his own thing? I know we will barely talk, but once school is back in I see him for a whole new year; if the feelings are there before, once he spends time with me and has time again will he like me just the same? Help, I'm a mess!

Thank you!

Chelsea

VictorM's advice:

You like him and he likes you. You won't be too far away that you can't visit, and before you know it, you'll both be back at school (summer will fly by).

He doesn't talk much but then again, that's par for the course for an introvert like him. His lack of talking is not a reflection on lack of feelings for you; it's just normal behavior for him.
I'm not saying you have to like it, but first you have to accept it as not a reflection on you.

Guys like him can go long periods of time without physical contact with others. He has his books, his running, his movies, and that's good enough for him. People like him also lose sight of time. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't realize he went 5 days without talking to you.

The person on a relationship who has to do the heaviest lifting is the one that wants something his/her way. In this case, since you want more contact than what he offers, it is your responsibility to elevate the level of talking to a more satisfactory level. Of course, at some point he has to respond, but why would he talk more often if in his mind 5 days (or longer) without talking is adequate?

Lots of people are very self-centric. Because they like certain things, they label those things as "normal" and anyone who doesn't abide, is "abnormal." In my view, that's shortsighted and selfish. Aim not to be that way.

Also remember that if you want behavior modification on another person, you get better results with positive reinforcement than by complaining. So... make an effort to talk to him more often but at the same time respecting his desire for solitude. Striking a balance is not easy, but that's what dating is all about.

Identify topics he's passionate about. For example, he likes movies... ask him detailed questions about the movies he sees. If he likes technical aspects of moving making, focus your questions on that (what was that all about so many screen flares on Star Trek?). Get him to talk about his long distance running, his training, etc.

The important thing is every time he responds and talks nicely with you, make sure to tell him how happy that makes you feel. Simple statements like "I love talking to you about this," "it's exciting to hear your view," "I'm so impressed by your knowledge," etc. These types of comments will encourage him to talk to you more.

Submitted on Sunday, May 24, 2009
By: meow
Age: 22
Location: india
Question: hi

this is a site i have been looking for quite sometime. i am a 22-year old female from India.
I broke up with my boyfriend a year back. he was so insensitive and treated me like a disposable stuff. he was in london at that time. i just mailed him and told him that i want to break up with him. i didn't get any mail after that. i didn't bother to think about him also.

last week he had come down to india and he messaged me. i always kept the conversation light. i just asked him how his life was and how was his job. he replied saying he is very happy with good money and social life. I didn't reply after that. it hardly mattered to me. the next day morning he asked me why i stopped replying. i said i asked you a question and you replied. so conversation over. but for that he replied: "I am relieved from you, i am very happy i have got a lot of friends and i was not depressed because you left me, you didn't have the decency to call up and break up but i was not emotionally down. i was and I am happy. I belong to a class more that that".

i didn't reply to that message. he also didn't contact me after that. now should I reply to his message or shall i just leave it as it is. I don't want to fight with him because he has come here for sister's birthday. but at the same time he hasn't realised that it was his mistakes and his attitude that I broke up with him and i wasn't really wishing him any bad all these days.
please advice me what to do. I am really disturbed.

VictorM's advice:

Do not respond to him. Any reply you provide would only generate a response you'd be happy with if he was a sensitive man. But he's not. Expecting him to be what he's not is a waste of your time and energy.

You have wounded his ego by dumping him. His natural reaction now is to hurt you. The more you deal with him, the more offensive he will become. Don't do that to yourself.

Your concern over his thoughts on this matter give him too much power over your self-worth. Going back and forth lets him know that you value yourself based on what he thinks of you. Don't give him that power!

Instead of replying, look at his last message as proof positive that you did the right thing by breaking up with him. It is precisely because he is the way he is that led you to the decision to break up. His last message is your confirmation of that.

Sounds to me like you picked a very immature and insensible guy. His comment about you having hang-ups is either sheer stupidity or manipulative.

I hope you never hear from him. Really, why would you want to?

Submitted on Sunday, May 24, 2009
By: Jamie
Age: 22
Location: California
Question: I’m thrilled to have found this site!

I’ve been in an exclusive relationship for 2 years now. The guy is great but he dubs himself the “lone wolf” type. I’ve pushed hard to make myself an independent gal so that I don’t feel the urge to rely on a man. He’s impressed by this. His schedule is his own and I’m rarely on his priority list. I’m an extremely busy chick with much going for me but I did wrong by bending over backwards to make myself available to him in hopes for sudden moments when he might have time for me. My question: I want to go out without him (bars, restaurants). How do I go unwind and enjoy myself without creating conflict with him? I realize a young female at the bar scene doesn‘t always look so great if she‘s alone. I‘m actively working on acquiring female friends but so far don‘t have any in this location. (Please note: I do have hobbies that exclude him, I teach dance, paint pottery, run marathons.) We used to go hiking together but we have not had time for it in months. Thank you so much for your time!!

VictorM's advice:

Bending backwards to accommodate a man is a big mistake. Guys are amazingly lazy when it comes to relationships. The more you give, the lazier they become. One of the ways to a healthy relationship is making sure the man stays, as much as possible, in the courtship mode. Once a guy is very confident he has you, well, all of a sudden there is no time to go hiking or any such activities.

You may be seeking to become more independent, but that's not a trait that's going to improve your relationships. What you want to look for is interdependence. Yes, you can do things on your own, but a relationship is about give and take and mutual respect and commitment. You should be high on his priority list and he should accept your unwinding preferences, and vice versa. If you get more of the former, you'll need less of the latter. That's interdependence and that's a better relationship.

Submitted on Sunday, May 24, 2009
By: anne
Age: 32
Location: Hong Kong
Question: What should I do when the guy says he needs some space? Does that mean he wants to break up with me?

I admit to being a bit clingy but I couldn't help myself because he started acting distant and aloof.

I really wish I could turn the tables around. He will be having exams in a few weeks and I asked him whether we could catch up after his exams and he just said, "we'll see how it goes." I was very hurt when he said that but I love him and wish I could make things better in our relationship. Am just not sure whether the relationship has run its course.

VictorM's advice:

Asking for space is never a good omen, but more so when it comes on the heels of him being aloof. More often than not it means he's had enough and now just needs to find the courage to tell you that it's over, something that could drag on for a while.

Submitted on Saturday, May 23, 2009
By: kenya
Age: 30
Location: ga
Question: I've been with this guy for about 3 1/2 months now and things are fine for the most part, and the kids like me a lot and I really enjoy them also. The funniest thing is he's not with their mom and he has the kids all the time. He and his brother are roommates.

No matter what time I call him or he calls me he's always with his kids. I can hear them in the background laughing and playing. We were on a date and he ended up spending the night and his cell phone went off at about 4:30 in the morning right then and there my whole facial expression changed. I was trying not to let it show because he was sitting right there beside me. He then handed me the phone and said: "See, that's just my alarm going off. I keep it set for me so that I won't be late so that I can get my kids ready for school because their mom has to be at work at 5:45 in the morning."

It was kind of strange to me how on Mother's Day she said she was going to visit her mom in St. Pete and she didn't even take the kids with her. He had all of them including the baby by his second baby's mom because she wanted to go out on Mother's Day to the club.

He has five kids and one on the way and two baby moms. The first four kids are by the first baby mom and the other and the one on the way by the second baby mom. She's eight months pregnant. He says that he's not with either one of them. He hasn't given me any reason not to believe him. He's a really nice guy but clearly has had a bad taste in choosing women.

Do you think things will change between us once the baby is born? I also would like to know if he has custody of his kids and just hasn't told me because he's afraid that it might scare me off. I want to take things slow and not rush into anything that I will regret. I feel as though I do well on my on but it would nice to have a companion.

VictorM's advice:

Somebody needs to smash the man's pecker with a sledgehammer before he doubles the population of earth all by himself. :-p Or at least find a woman who knows about birth control. I assume you do, right?

I doubt that the birth of yet another child will phase him. The man has been around the block a few times. I just hope he can keep their names straight.

Whether he has custody or not sounds like the type of question that is not out of line to ask, so ask him.

An equally important question, but maybe too soon to ask, is if he has to pay the women for child support (I assume he does). You don't want to find yourself contributing to that obligation as a surprise.

Submitted on Saturday, May 23, 2009
By: Winci
Age: 18
Location: Toronto
Question: I am really confused right now. I like this guy who I think he likes me. Once in a while, he would say he loves me and misses me on msn; but...I don't know if he's actually talking real or kidding (coz he usually gives me an impression that he is the joking type of person, so I'm not sure whether he is being serious), so I just take it as him joking. Then, he asked me to be his date for prom (and asked me to dance on that night too :D).

And usually at school, when I peek(=p) at him, I think I saw him looking at me too (but I'm not sure though). At every lunch period, he always spends some time over and talk and joke around with me. But the only thing is, he always 'bullies' and makes fun of me (I would say). He likes to take away my stuff so I cannot do my work; he likes to make fun of my height; he likes to say I will fail when I have a test (however, on msn, he usually wish me luck); and he likes to argue with me.

I am passive person; I really want to tell him that I like him, but I can't say it. But the main question is, does he like me? And if he does, how can I make it more obvious that I like him (other than say it face to face) so he can do the action:D? Should I let my friends to help?

Thanks. This had stuck with me for a long time, like 7 months. Before, I remember that he only asked me once to be his partner for prom and didn't mention anymore ever since. Thus, I thought he doesn't like me. However, 2 days before prom, he ensured me that he's going to prom with me. So...I am now confused.

Really thanks for lots and lots of advice:D:D:D:D

VictorM's advice:

1. Do NOT involve friends in this matter. If you have something to say, say it yourself. Involving others can lead to miscommunication.

2. Do NOT tell him you like him. More often than not that frightens boys away.

Of course he likes you and likes getting your attention, but that doesn't mean he wants more than that. Boys like to get the attention of lots of girls and quite often prefer to be open to engaging in flirty banter with as many girls as possible.

He sounds forward enough that if he was interest in more he would say so. But just in case, if you want to get the ball rolling one way or another, just look to spend alone time with him. Tell him you'd love to see Star Trek (good movie!) but don't want to go alone.

Did the prom happen already? It sounds from reading your question that it did. If so, how did it go?

Submitted on Saturday, May 23, 2009
By: rebecca
Age: 36
Location: fountain hills az
Question: Victor, you are so hilarious and blunt.

Although I may not like your reply--ie the truth--I must get to the bottom of this because the sooner I figure it out, the less hurt I'll endure if it's over between he and I.

I've been dating a guy for 6 months. I don't believe in "perfect" so I'll just say that we fit very well together, we're compatible on many levels and to top it off, we have great chemistry so all seems great. It has progressed at a normal pace and we're getting closer emotionally with each day and the lust is still awesome.

So, when we're together, it's 100% on.....as in we speak about serious stuff, we're totally at ease and silly together, and all is peachy. And, he is really gorgeous. And he tells me what every girl loves to hear "you're totally sexy"! So i'm a happy camper!

That being said, the moment we part, it's almost 100% off...until the next time he calls or texts to plan or schedule our next encounter (usually 5 days apart). I finally told him that I feel like he falls off the face of the planet every time we part and told him I want to be an official "couple". He said he agreed that he didn't stay in touch enough and will make efforts to have day-to-day contact.

During that same conversation, he also said "I don't know if I want an official girlfriend again because I've been single for so many years now and am selfish with my time but I really enjoy when we're together and I owe you a decision".

Conclusion so far: he did start texting several times a day and he calls daily now. So I was starting to feel more secure but of course there's the other part where he came right out and said he pretty much didn't want a serious relationship right now.

Honestly, though, I'm really getting mixed signals because we now see each other more and more and it's no secret to anyone in town that we're "together". He tells everyone we've been "dating" for a while and

I have no suspicions of other girls. He is relatively known in this state so his demeanor toward me in public is as if we're totally "together" and we have mutual friends so it's sort of implied.

Anyway, I simply want to be exclusive and "officially have boyfriend/girlfriend status". From what I wrote above, he basically said no, right? and I'm just not accepting the answer, right? Is it that simple? Am I that stubborn?!

It just really sucks because we now talk every day and he always makes plans for us 1-2 times a week which is more than before.

Do I continue on with him because maybe he needs to feel certain and get closer before deciding to commit to me or is he going to lose respect for me if I let us continue as "dating" even though we act like we're way more.

I am so happy with what we have, I'm just seeking a "label" which is a girl thing I suppose.

FYI, we're the same age, both never been married or have kids so we're both free as birds and have fulfilling lives on our own. It is really a sweet thing we have because it feels like I have my cake and am eating it too! Essentially, I don't NEED him, I just really want to be a couple, we'd be great together!

We have a great time being goof balls together and did I mention he's super hot! Ok, this is probably the looongest question ever!
Sorry!

So, Victor, a real girl wants the opinion of a real guy!! HELP!
Thanks in advance,
Becca

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like you have a really good thing going and you're considering throwing it away for the sake of a label. Tsk, tsk. I would say you'd be wise to wait.

Girls think of a relationship as security; guys see it as giving up freedom. So while to you attaching a label should be a no-brainer, to him, it requires more thought. Additionally, girls tend to find a guy they like and sprout feelings on the spot; guys, on the other hand, develop instant lust but take quite a while to develop feelings worth of giving up their freedom for. Your guy simply isn't there yet.

When it comes to relationship and sex, I always advise couples to proceed at the pace of the slowest one as a way to insure that both people are entering into the agreement with the best attitude.

So now the question is: shouldn't 6 months be enough for him to have developed those feelings? In some cases it is plenty of time, but for a lot of guys it simply is not. And in this case, when he's already in his 3o's and has never been married, jumping into a committed relationship is no easy task.

If you two are a couple in such good standing after this much time, the odds are in your favor, but it's in your best interest to take the foot off the "label" pedal and let him commit when he's ready.

I know, I know... your biological clock and all that, but 6 months to you is like 6 hours in guy time. You just barely started.

And lady, you'd have to have worked a lot harder to send me the longest question. This was a breeze. :)

For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.

Submitted on Friday, May 22, 2009
By: John Baker
Age: 25
Location: South Korea
Question: My story is quite a long one. I've been with the love of my life now for almost 2 years. We lived together in the States, she left our home and went across the ocean. I soon followed because I love her and she asked me to, she missed me and loves me. I've been in a new country now for almost a year and I've been working a terribly boring and mind numbing job with long hours. Due to this boredom and depression while at work, I basically found a terrible outlet to spend time. One day I followed links some stupid links to craigslist and replied to a personal ad; just because I was curious and obviously bored. I had never done it before and never had even a slight intention to cheat. It was simply a game I was playing to pass the time. Several emails went back and forth. The language was quite descriptive and even implicated meeting times and such. I repeat, there was never an intention to do anything. It was completely disconnected and surreal. To me, it was my personal game I was playing to pass the time. It was sort of like a rush. As you could already guess, she found out. I am a terrible liar and looked at it once bored at home and it somehow stayed on the computer. She broke up with me and kicked me out. I've spent the last week a complete mess and have done my best to give her space and time. The more I think about the situation, the more I start to realize that the issue was NOT her or our Relationship; it was the fact that I was angry, depressed, bored and lonely while working this job. I had held those feelings in because every time I mentioned it to her she felt guilt for asking me to come here in the first place.I came here to be with her, not to work 14 hour days and never see her. I allowed my mind to wander and let my curiosity get the best of me. She won't hear my explanations and probably wouldn't believe me even if I did get a chance to tell her. What should I do? I want my life back. I want the woman of my life back. Prior to this, I had never shown any behavior like this. It's completely unbecoming of me, and I think she's in shock, full of anger and feels betrayed. I never meant anything in those emails, it was simply a release from the mundane trappings of my boredom. What should I do to get her back; how long do I wait till I ask her to speak with me? She hasn't shown signs of hope and 3/4 of my belongings are still at the apartment.

VictorM's advice:

I'm asking female readers to help John understand the predicament he's in and if there's anything that he can do to get his message to her. Please use the VISITOR COMMENTS section below this post.

I would suggest that you keep trying to contact her, profess your love for her, admit your mistake, and keep doing it over and over and over again. She can't read your mind and your actions sound pretty suspicious. It's going to take a lot of effort on your part to make her accept you back.

Also, keep in mind that while guys look for logic in a situation like this, she's more likely to just go on emotion. Trying to explain why you did it probably won't be as successful as asking her for another chance and acknowledging you fucked up really bad.

Submitted on Friday, May 22, 2009
By: Rayanne
Age: 35
Location: PA
Question: I've done a lot of reading on your site, most of my questions have been answered by your responses to other's similar questions which has been a big help, us girls tend to be pretty much the same lol!

I have learned that it's important to not bring up stuff from your past (especially sexual) because it can turn guys off. However, I have a bit of a dilemma. In college I dated women for about 4 years. Since then, I have been dating men, and definitely consider myself straight. Although bringing up past stuff can sometimes be messy, I think that it's important for me to mention that part of my past. If it's a problem for a guy, and he were to find out later, through friends of mine or something it could be a big mess. I don't want them to feel like I'm hiding something because it's not a secret. The last couple of guys I dated took it really well, but then it became an issue, they were afraid they couldn't trust me and that I would leave them for a woman. Argh! So not going to happen! Anyway, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I don't tell them and they find out later, that's a problem, and I'll always be worried about this thing they don't know about. If I do tell them, they freak out and run away. Any suggestions?

another question, about that darn issue, online dating... Recently I have had a lot of guys responding to me in their 2nd email with "My number is __________, give me a call or text me sometime." I'm pretty traditional, and do not feel comfortable making the first phone contact. Also, I'm not always sure I'm comfortable with having a conversation with them yet, usually they send their number after like 1 or 2 brief emails. I'd like to get to know somebody a bit better, ask a few more questions, before moving to talking on the phone. How do I respond when they send me their number? I don't want to ignore it, but I don't really want to be the one to call first either.

VictorM's advice:

Well, if you are bent on telling the guys about that aspect of you past, by all means, do it. If that's what it takes to give you a clean conscience when you date a guy, I see no reason for holding back.

But telling them about having dated women is not the issue; the issue is how you interpret the problems developed by the 2 guys. You see it as your past being the reason they leave you. I don't see it that way at all. I see it as your honesty weeding out two twits that are too immature to deal with that knowledge like adults. Praise [the deity of your choice] for getting rid of those jerks before you wasted too much of your time with them.

There are plenty of men out there capable of dealing that information in a positive manner. Your task is to keep searching till you find them. After all, let's admit it: you have done nothing wrong! It's important that you keep reminding yourself of that.

As for the online dating, you answered yourself. You can reply back with:

I'd like to get to know somebody a bit better, ask a few more questions, before moving to talking on the phone.

Simple. :)

Submitted on Friday, May 22, 2009
By: Lyna
Age: 19
Location: Davis
Question: Hi Victor,

I am not sure if you still remember my issue with one of my guy friends that i met this year. The one that told me he wants to stay away from me because my attitude/personality is similar to his mom and because of this and the way he treats me that makes us argue several times.

Well, the argument lasted for about 4 months but every time we argue (which is always brought up by me because I feel mad that he's treating me coldly since I do have feelings for him) he would always come back and talk to me again or tries to talk to me nicely after we give each other a week or two break.

One of my good friends that I met this year along with him, confess to him that she likes him but he told her he doesn't see her that way. He told me that she confess to him last quarter when we were studying for a final. He told me that because I asked him if he ever hang out with people one on one and he gave me a list of those he can hang out 1 on 1 with. He told me he can't hang out with her 1 on 1 because it's just awkward so I asked further and he told me she confessed to him. He also told me he can't hang out with me 1 on 1 either because me and him have a problem before.

After that quarter which was in mid march, we don't really talk anymore because we have no classes together. My knee injury somewhat healed so I start playing badminton again and so I called him up if he wants to play but he would always tell me he's busy so I tried rearranging another day. He told me if he can play, he would go to the badminton club and play with this one guy and if that guy is busy then he would go to the gym and play with whoever that's there. When he told me this, I take it as he was being completely mean. It's like saying he doesn't want to play with me. So I got mad and feel like I don't want to be his freind anymore. I didn't even fight with him this time. I told my good friend that confessed to him before about it and she asked him about that. He told her he was just stating who he plays with. She didn't push the question further so that ended there. I didn't talk to him after that.

I started playing this one online game called "maplestory" again and he was on along with his room mate and some other friends. That's when he start being nice to me again or talk to me. He include me in everything they were doing in the game. On the anniversary month of maplestory, he called me while I was at work to tell me it's anniversary day and told me to go on to play. I didn't notice how he treats me until sunday, may 17th. I told him I'm gonna go play badminton. When I got there, 10 minutes later he came. I only finish stretching by the time he came. He knows I was injured and has not fully recover yet. I had no idea how he spot me but his presence surprised me because i didn't expect he be there since he didn't tell me that he was going. After he said hi to me, he asked "where's girl A (girl A is the girl that confessed to him - my good freind). I didn't expect he would play against me but he was like ready? let's go hit. He wanted to play full court but I told him I am not ready for that because I don't want to aggravate my injury further so we just play half court and just hit back and forth practicing our shots and etc. He gave me a lot of compliments which was odd because the last time we play (whcih was a long time ago) he never really say anything nice but this time he was like "nice shot" and always saying sorry but the birdie hit me. I know saying sorry is just being polite because I always say that when the birdie hit my opponent. While playing, he would ask if my knee is hurting? He was being caring which was nice. He wanted to practice smashing because he thinks he lost it and told me to clear deep to him (pretty much it's just lobbing to the back court). I told him I can give it a try but I'm not good at doing that. This one guy (guy B) came and I know that he's good and can help my friend practice his smashing so I was gonna ask that guy B to come and play with my friend but my friend was like "no, just play". I don't know why he doesn't want to play with guy B but instead he just wants to play with me. We took several breaks because he lost his endurance and stamina as well. Whenever he wanted to take a break, he would ask me "Can i go get some water?" I feel his responses is pretty weird that day, like he's asking me for permission which he never did before. After he take a break, he would say okay let's play again. When we took another break, this other guy (guy C) came to ask him if he wants to hit so my friend said sure. I was just sitting down watching him play with guy C and the other court. I keep seeing my freind looking at me several times. They hit for a bit and my friend went to take a break again and told me to play with guy C but I didn't want to because I told guy C is competitive and I don't think he wants to play against me. When my friend and I play again, he told me, he's gonna leave at 7 to go eat. When he was about to leave, we end up saying the same thing "see you on maplestory" and that made me laugh.

Sorry for the long story. My question now is: Why is he being nice to me again? Is it because he feels bad for being mean to me since my good friend brought it up to him so he probably thinks I think he's mean? He don't really like playing against me before so why does he want to play against me now but that was a long time ago. Why does he only want to play against me that day? Is it because he thinks he lost everything since he hasn't been playing for awhile? Could it be that he is interested in me?

After that day, I talk to him online - not everyday but probably every other day or something but it was mostly me aiming him. I don't aim him just to say hi how you doing, more like I have something to ask him like I would send him a music video I thought is good. He end up saying the mv is not good and so I said "thanks for insulting my music" and he would say "you're welcome xD". I understand he's busy doing his homework because he told me he's busy that week but he still talks to me even though he respond pretty slow, same with me. When I thought he's not talking anymore he send me this one music video called "insomnia by craig david" except it's in Korean. He told me his cousin send it to him and he thought it was funny because the guy dances like michael jackson.

When I told my other friend he send me that song which started out saying "you know, that I love you", she thinks, he's trying to tell me indirectly that he likes me. I doubt it and I didn't take that seriously. I do hope he likes me though because I do have feelings for him but I just don't think he send me that music video to tell me he likes me.

I had a weird dream on monday night (may 18th). I dream of him and that he told me he likes me but I thought he's pulling a prank and I remmeber I felt insecure so I responded "i need time". It was an awkward dream.

Overall, I still have feelings for him. I did thought it was gone because I haven't felt it in awhile but somehow it came back. I know the only response you can say is "wait and see what happens?" but I really want to know from your perspective what is he up to? I don't know why he's always coming back to me and treating me nicely. I can only think of maybe he thinks he's being mean so he treats me nice because sometimes he treats me coldly and sometimes he treats me nice. It's just the way he talks. Before he would be like 'oh i c' or don't really respond or say anything else now he's like putting these faces all the time like "xD" and actually talking to me even though he's busy.

Most people I talk to just keep telling me to forget about him because he's driving me nuts but it's very hard to forget a feeling for someone. I can ignore it sometimes when I am busy but afterwards it just come back. He's one grade year younger than me but actually only 4 months younger. He's just born late in december so he starts school a year later. I was thinking he probably doesn't want to like me because I am older? From your perspective what do you feel about younger guys liking older girls? or confessing to girls that are older than them by a year? That shouldn't be a problem right? I am so confused right now. I hope you can help me by telling me what you think about this issue from your perspective. Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

No, you're not confused; you just refuse to accept reality.

Let me put it to you very plainly, again: THIS GUY IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!

His behavior while you played, with him telling you "good shoot" and asking about your injury are the types of things that just about any human being would say. It has NOTHING at all with being interested in you.

Why does he run hot and cold? Because he's a head case. From the stories you've told me about him before, he's not the most stable individual. Still, he tries to be polite most of the times and every time he does you think he wants you. He does not! He's simply trying to be polite.

Now, let me go and bang my head against a brick wall to ease the pain. :-p

Submitted on Thursday, May 21, 2009
By: Jess
Age: 42
Location: TN
Question: ok...I met this guy. We were both very attracted to each other and still are. He has been a self proclaimed man whore. His best friend tells me that he is working on changing. He tells me that all he has to offer is friendship right now. I sleep over at his house, he comments on my underwear and tells me that he wants to have sex with me. He tells me that it is not me at all, that he is the one that has been hurt in the past and can't have sex with me right now. He comments on my body all the time. His best friend tells me that all he needs is time. He tells me i am special and it would be wrong for us to have sex right now. He says that he does not know if anything will come of this or not. I spend tons of time alone with him and with his best friends. Am i wasting my time or could it be that he just wants to go slow and not mess things up? He tells me all the time that I am terrific and special... and beautiful... hot and great. Do guys who JUST want to be friends do this stuff?????

VictorM's advice:

Guys never want to be just friends. Period.

A self-proclaimed man whore who is trying to change? I call bullshit on that.

I offer one of two possibilities:

-- Your self-proclaimed man whore is having sexual hang ups, maybe performance issues, and all that man whore talk is just that, talk... or a romanticized fantasy of many years gone.

-- He could be trying to go slow to get to know you better, but... I find this one hard to believe.

Do you kiss and fondle? Do you feel a hard on when you do? Does he not even get close to you? I wish you'd describe your interaction with him in more detail.

Submitted on Thursday, May 21, 2009
By: Melody
Age: 27
Location: Canada
Question: I have been dating a guy for 5 months now. Things moved quickly between us and due to life circumstances he ended up moving in with me after 3 months. I knew this was quick, but he had moved from Halifax, was living with his uncle and aunt and would have had to furnish a rental unit, etc...so we decided to live together. He always did very romantic things for me in the beginning. Texting all the time, buying flowers, telling me how he could see our futures together, taking me on mini trips. lately he does not text me at all some days. He also went to Vegas with his friends and only texted me once a day. The texts he sends are always sweet saying how he loves me, misses me and how beautiful I am. In person he is still affectionate and caring and helps me when he can. I guess I am just wondering if the lack of communication when we are apart is any sign of his loss of interest. I find it a little hurtful and it is a change from before. I am also insecure in relationships due self esteem issues. I asked him the other day if he was happy and he said yes and denied any concerns about us. Also since the beginning he has only been interested in sex 1-2x/week which I am not used to, is this normal? Do you think he is still interested or is he subtly pulling away? Should I approach the issue or keep faith in his commitment to me?

VictorM's advice:

All seems normal to me:

-- Reduced texting after several months? Check.
-- Reduced sexual frequency? Check.
-- Going to Vegas with his buddies and not texting you at all? Check.

Wait! he texted you from Las Vegas once a day? And you're not building a statue to this guy? You should.

Seriously, you women are shooting yourselves in the foot with this asinine infatuation with texting frequency. From a guy's point of view, it's a crock of shit. What a waste of energy and what a way to cause problems in a relationship witout any need to.

Look at how good you described what you have: "The texts he sends are always sweet saying how he loves me, misses me and how beautiful I am. In person he is still affectionate and caring and helps me when he can." And still that's not enough for you. Sheesh!

Submitted on Thursday, May 21, 2009
By: elizabeth
Age: 17
Question: i hope you can help me with this one. you see when i first started going out with this guy i have been with for 6 months now, he was sweet and gentle, but over the time he has gradually placed me inside an invisible bubble and it seems to be getting smaller and smaller. i have already had several arguments about it and still he is getting worse. just last week he bashed up one of my friends just for giving me a hug at a party we went to. i am not allowed to do anything on my own (not even go to the toilet, he stands outside the door) and even though he doesn't live with me, he doesn't leave until i fall asleep and he is already waiting at my door in the mornings when i wake up a 6;30. the emotions i once felt for him a being replaced with fear. i don't know what i should do or why he is acting this way, he says he is just trying to protect me. please help, i don't know what to do?

VictorM's advice:

Break up with him. Now. No, not tomorrow, not later... NOW!

They make movies about guys like him. They're called horror movies.

And no, guys like him do not get better. Not without serious therapy. You can't help him, you can't change him, and you can't please him.

Stop reading this. Break up with him! NOW!

Submitted on Wednesday, May 20, 2009
By: Gail
Age: 42
Location: Wyoming
Question: I was involved with this man for 3 1/2 years. He was my friend before anything else. He had no trust for me, even when we were just friends. He thought that I was going to lunch with other men. He called me on his every break, was at my house every lunch hr, and was at my house every night.

Back in January, he received an anonymous letter. I believe it may have came from his ex wife, she has done it before. He actually accused my 16 yr old daughter of writing it. There is NO WAY!!!! Too many details she she would not know about. I decided to back off.

In the mean time, I was asked to volunteer for a horse rescue project. I did car pool with other people. Next thing I know, I am accused of having another man. Again, NO WAY!!!

I was being stalked, he wrote nasty notes on all of my pictures, and sent them back. On Valentines Day, The silver heart candle I gave him one year was in my Po box with a 6 inch nail drove thru it, along with a $300.00 men's chain i gave him for christmas broke into pieces and glued to the silver heart. Several nasty text messages. I gave up a very successful fashion modeling career, I made a lot of changes, gave him constant reassurance. Still everything I did, changed, did do, or didn't do, nothing made a difference. WHY???

I was never allowed to have any friends. Male or female. Recently my youngest daughter turned 12 on Mothers Day. He made it point to drop off a gift for her at my parents house. In the card he told her he missed her. She asked if she could invite him to have cake. He drove up to the park, and dropped off his son, and then drove off. My daughter was crushed. She put her hands to her face and sat down, started crying. What kind of man can tell a child he misses her, and turn around and drive off?!

I am looking for tools....How do I let go and not have it hurt so bad? How do I deal with such a controlling person, who by the way is 54 yrs. old? I am not a cheater, I was planning a future with him. I can not even begin to think about being with someone else. We both perform in street theater group. How do I handle being around him six nights a week? He says that I destroyed any trust that was left. He does not trust himself, how can he trust anyone else? He has proven that many times. It has been 4 months, that we have not been together. He is at the bar every weekend, while I stay home, and lick my wounds. How do I cope, and continue, knowing that I have to be around him 6 nights a week?

VictorM's advice:

When someone is as suspicious as he is, it has nothing to do with the partner; it's all about him. There was nothing, NOTHING AT ALL, that you could have done to change that. If you locked yourself in a room by yourself, he'd suspect your shadow. It's that simple. This problem is all his; none of it is about you, and none of it is your fault.

You can play the sorry little victim if you want, but sounds foolish to me that you don't celebrate having him out of your life. You should throw a party. And you should breath a sigh of relief every time you see him.

Jump start a new life without this jerk. Change your hair style, buy new clothes, make new friends, find new hobbies and above all smile and enjoy your life. You are the healthy one. You are the lucky one.

You dodged a bullet. Rejoice!

Submitted on Wednesday, May 20, 2009
By: nicole
Age: 20
Location: north carolina
Question: i am in this relationship for the second time and i think that i made a mistake! we broke the first time for a some serious reasons and then i got with this guy that i had a crush on since childhood! everything was going great until we broke up because of rumors! we were still in love the day that we broke up! which made it that much harder. so now i am back with the first guy and cant love him because my heart is still with the other guy! what should i do?

VictorM's advice:

Break up with this guy. Now!

You need to make yourself available to finding the right guy, and be tied to someone you don't love will only impede that. Who knows, it could be the rumors guy, or it could be someone else, but you're not doing anyone any favors by faking your way.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 20, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hey victor,
i have a first date tonight. give me some tips! like how can i charm him right away?

VictorM's advice:

My answer is too late for that date. I hope you did OK. But for next time, simple things:

1. Smile.

2. Simple, sincere compliments ("That shirt looks so good on you, Jim"). Telling a guy that he's kind, or a good person is not a compliment. For the compliment to work, you have to say something that soothes his ego. And nothing soothes his ego like banal compliments about his looks. But make sure your compliment is sincere. Oh, and make sure to use the word "so." It makes a big difference. For example: "Ellie, you look beautiful" versus "Ellie, you look so beautiful." Which one makes your toes tingle more? :)

3. Find out what he's passionate about and make sure you get him to talk a lot about that while you show interest (if you're not interested in the same thing, this may not be the guy you care to impress).

Remember, it's not about you or how you look (although looking your best will help); it's about him and how good he feels about himself around you. Make him feel sexy, funny, and smart. You'll have him eating out of your hands.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 20, 2009
By: britany
Age: 16
Location: palestine
Question: okay i screwed up a while back and lied to my boyfriend about something really stupid. He told me "i won't put up with a liar." Is there any way i can get him back?

VictorM's advice:

Probably not. Once trust is broken, repairing it is almost impossible.

Make sure you learn your lesson... for next time.

Submitted on Tuesday, May 19, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 30ish
Location: North Carolina
Question: I think I already know the answer to this question but thought that i would pose it anyway. I have been married for quite a few years and fully admit that my husband is a pathological liar. He can spin some tales and make a person believe it even if they know it never happened.

Recently, we have been having some severe marital problems, stemming from what I call years of abuse on his part, mostly emotional and verbal.

Let me back track and say that a few years ago, he was mowing our lawn and asked me to move his truck so that he could mow around it, I did and to my surprise as I was leaving his truck I noticed a pair of ladies gloves in his floorboard. I confronted him, and he said they were his co-workers' wife's gloves. According to him, since they work outside, it was very cold one morning and the co-worker couldn't find his own gloves and decided to wear his wife's gloves instead, then realized that my husband didn't have any, felt bad and gave them to him and bought himself another pair. Now, the co-worker he used as a scapegoat, I happen to know is very rich, he's about 6'6 and his wife is about 5'4. Let's say for arguments sake that this really happened, I really don't think her gloves would even fit her husbands hands, add that to the fact that the gloves were not extremely high quality and therein lies my doubts, anyway he offered to let me talk to the co-worker which I declined b/c at the time I bought his story hook, line and sinker.

Fast forward to about 1 year ago, I was pregnant with our last child and his cell phone rang. I answered it and this girl asked for my husband. I asked her who she was and she said that she had met him online and that he had given her his cell # and asked that she call him. I threw the phone at him and stormed out. I heard him tell her that she had the wrong guy and then he hung up. His story this time was that someone, had it out for him and thought it would be funny to set him up. I bought this story as well because as he put it, I used his phone quite often and it would be purely ignorant of him to give his # to a girl knowing I use his phone so much. It was always at the back of my mind but I let it go.

Fast forward to right after our baby was born, we were out to eat with my in-laws when my Father-in-law told me that I should take my husband in hand and I asked what for. According to him, this same woman called his home and asked for Mike. When he told her that my husband was not there, she blew up and said that she was sick of making plans with him and him not going through with the plans. She stated that she was at a local motel, where they were supposed to meet. This she says was planned by my husband. Anyway, of course he explained this away also. I always bought the stories. As far as meeting the girl online goes, I truly do not know. He rarely goes online here at home but he does have access at work. He works outside the office, all day everyday. So I guess that would provide the opportunity.

My question is simply this, is he cheating? or has he cheated? If so, how do I find proof?

VictorM's advice:

I have no idea if your husband is cheating because the stories you tell are hardly convincing.

Come on, some girl calls your father in law and tells him she's waiting in a hotel room for your husband? And the phone call from the online girl... if he knew about you, wouldn't she have just hang-up? And if she didn't know about you, wouldn't she have asked who the hell you are? These stories all sound fishy.

But, may I ask, why do you care? If you have been the victim of years of abuse, is him cheating what would make the difference for whatever it is that you want to do?

Submitted on Tuesday, May 19, 2009
By: Angela
Age: 32
Location: Sc
Question: I have been talking to this guy for nearly a year. We live about 10 hours apart. Anyway, we have grown to care a lot about one another. He works with an ex and I of course would have never known this had he not told me. Anyway, when he mentioned her casually, (it really was casual) he went on to assure me that there was nothing there. He stresses the fact that she has a boyfriend and that there is nothing between them (my guy and his ex I mean) To be honest, it's making me a tad bit paranoid. I've always been told you only have to worry if they stop telling you these things, however I'm not so sure. Please help, should I be worried? Or is he being honest and just wants to assure me?

VictorM's advice:

They are exes! That means, at least one of them, or both, have ceased caring for the other. They are finished.

But she was a part of his life, and therefore, part of the conversation. Sounds healthy and normal to bring her up.

Enjoy your relationship for what it is.

Submitted on Tuesday, May 19, 2009
By: kenya
Age: 30
Location: ga
Question: This guy and I have been dating now for about 3 months and he's very nice. He's even been bringing the kids around letting me interact with them. Sometimes when I call he doesn't answer the phone right then and in the funniest thing is in the beginning there was talk about their mom but now nothing, not one word. Maybe something like "I had to watch the kids because she has to work" but never anything else. I've never seen her and like I said they're always with him. My mom met him and she thinks he's a nice guy she says he's the family type man. Last Saturday we had family night he and I my mom and the kids and everything was great the kids even called me "MOM" and he said nothing. Should I worry are is everything okay.

VictorM's advice:

I don't know if everything is OK, but him not talking about the mother of the children is not a bad thing. It could mean he's moving on, which is a good sign.

Submitted on Tuesday, May 19, 2009
By: michelle
Age: 35
Location: california
Question: I met this guy online, We totally clicked and my friends love him. We talked everyday of the last three weeks we met, and have had two overnight visits. I know he is dating other girls and he has been straight up from the beginning that he is a 'free spirit'. I am dating other guys too. But today he told me that having sex with me was like being with his sister or mother. Said he couldn’t explain why because he is completely turned on by me when looking at me and or talking, but that he feels like he let me down and wants to have no expectations and just hang out to see what happens from there.

I am new to the dating thing. Is this a total blow off?

VictorM's advice:

Um… well, my initial reaction when I read your submission was that yes, it was a total blow off. But after thinking about it a bit more, and knowing nothing else about you, I’m going to offer one other possible explanation.

If he considers you a really nice girl and he feels that by having sex with you he’s misleading you, guilt may be preventing him from enjoy you purely as a sexual partner even if physically he finds you very sexy. It’s not uncommon for a guy to find a girl both very attractive and too nice to "use."

If you are an attractive girl-next-door type, this may be an explanation.

Submitted on Monday, May 18, 2009
By: Tess
Age: 25
Location: Colorado
Question: I'm in a relationship with a man, which has been nearly 6 years. However, recently i have noticed that something has changed. He doesn't talk to me like his equal, he talks down to me. I was in a severe car accident this last year, which caused some brain damage. I have a hard time remembering things, and staying focused. He doesn't seem to understand, and at times makes me feel rather dumb because i can't do certain things, or can't remember. I need help and some advice. I love this man and could see myself marrying him but yet there have been times recently that he makes me feel so bad that I don't want anything to do with him. I don't feel connected with him, but yet how can i when he talks down to me, and hurts my feelings. How do I stand up for myself and turn the relationship back to being equal? I would like to do what I can to make this work, so whatever advice you can give me about making this relationship stronger and better, it would be greatly appreciated.

VictorM's advice:

It’s not uncommon to see someone trying to help a blind person cross the street by grabbing them by the arm and leading them to the other side. Anyone who has looked into this knows that a much more effective way of doing it is by offering your arm to the blind person and allow them to follow you to the other side. Now, the person pushing the blind person's arm means well. It’s not disdain or callousness that makes them do that; they're just ignorant of the best way to help. They mean well but they simply don’t have the knowledge do to it the preferred way.

I think that something similar is happening with your boyfriend. Fueled by ignorance and frustration, he’s doing what he thinks is best for you. Of course, we know that’s not the case. It’s up to you to train him to do better.

I know it’s not going to be easy, but you have to let go of the concept that he’s putting you down and instead process his behavior as “he’s trying his hardest to help me, he just doesn’t know how. Let me help him help me.”

Now, I’m not quite sure what you need to say to him, what you need to ask him to do for you. Maybe you can talk to professionals in this area for tips. But I don’t think I’ll be far off by suggesting that you work hard at keeping calm and when he yells, calmly telling him something like: “Thanks for trying to help me, honey. Here’s what I need you to do…” and give him information about the best way to deal with your condition.

I think that just remaining calm and showing appreciation (followed by education) will go a long way to make things better. I sure hope so.

Submitted on Monday, May 18, 2009
By: Ray
Age: 18
Question: Hey Victor,
I have a guy friend that I've had a pretty complicated relationship with. I don't know, I guess I just want a guy's perspective on it... I think I understand it but I guess if I'm right I just need to hear someone that doesn't know me say it.

I've known this guy for a long time, and for most of it we've been best friends. In the beginning of our friendship I had some feelings for him but didn't do anything about it because he was with this girl he'd fallen head over heels for. She wasn't very good to him ( that being a great understatement due to her being a cheating, manipulative, girl with issues that she never dealt with and let turn her into a bitch) and they had a messy break up that went back and forth for months. I was there for him through all of it and our friendship grew even stronger. But so did my feelings for him. A lot. After they finally broke up, it became clear he had feelings for me but there was no way he was ready for a relationship. He hinted being FWB because we could trust each other, but I said no. Eventually we went out to a movie and I never realized it was a date until he kissed me when he took me home. I was ecstatic of course. He had recently begun to act like his old self and seemed to be ready to be serious with me. At this point, I was already in love with him. Keep in mind I do not take that word lightly. But then we messed around a little and a friend mistook a mark on me for a bruise and for some reason thought he was abusing me and began calling him with death threats. It didn't help either that this sparked a ton of rumors. I called the friend off and the guy and I talked and eventually decided to break up (I guess that's the best way to put it even though we weren't really together). He really didn't want to do it but was scared because he said with how intense our feelings were for each other, if we kept trying then with all this crap one of two things would happen. One, we'd end up married. Two, we'd end the relationship so badly that we'd hate each other. Honestly, he was right. He mentioned being afraid that he'd do the things to me his ex did to him too. He said he never wanted to hurt me like that. I asked him to keep some distance for a while because the whole mess had hurt me and he respected that and gave me plenty of space. This didn't stop people that didn't even know me from spreading rumors that I was talking shit. I confronted him after hearing about this because he blogged about it (out of character for him, but whatever). We straightened it all out and decided it was okay to try being friends again because a few weeks had passed. We messed around a couple of more times, but we quit and it seemed like our friendship was okay again. But then someone out of the blue told me he was with this girl. He'd never told me anything, so I never asked. After a while it was clear he was with her though but never told me directly. He began talking about her right behind me loudly and messing with my buds in front of me, like he was trying to see if I'd react. I got mad because he never told me, but I got over it and tried to move on and just be his bud. But as he always had through our friendship he got... kind of territorial. Any guy I talked to wasn't right for me and he had an entire list of reasons why for each one. When he found out I was talking to one guy, he reacted like he thought I was lying to him or something and kind of puffed up like he was angry or something. It pissed me off because every time he was right about why it would never work out. Obviously, this whole mess caused us to drift some. For the past two months though we seem to be becoming friends again. He still acts somewhat territorial and the people that know us still think we're meant to be or something. People that don't know everything have made comments that he seems to watch me with some expression on his face when we're in the same room together. And he still tries to get reactions out of me by acting a little flirtatious with my friends. Not as much as before, but just enough for me to notice. He seems to still get territorial and jealous too. I sort of think most of his behaviour is because he may be over the ex, but he's still hurting and insecure from the break up itself and is trying to cover it all up with this "I'm a bad ass" attitude and by dating someone not too seriously. That he thought he was ready to move on but realized he wasn't when crap hit the fan when we tried. In a way it feels like he's avoiding me being the rebound girl and that he does still have feelings for me. He did say before that he does want a relationship with me in the future more than a few times. When we'd broken up also he'd told me he didn't blame me if I tried to move on completely. When I tried to date other guys, I think he may have been hurt a little by that because maybe he was hoping I wouldn't really and then acted out because of that. Idk, I know this all sounds really scattered but I guess you can maybe see why it confuses me... So could I be right and does he still want me for a future serious relationship? And if not, what's going on?

VictorM's advice:

I think you started out as the rebound relationship but you’ve evolved to more than that. You’ve become his “ego booster.” I’ll explain what I mean by that.

His ego was severely wounded by his ex. The number one way his ego can be healed is if he can inflict greater pain on the person that cause the pain. Doesn’t sound like he’s been successful at that. The next best thing is to have one girl who likes him more than he likes her. Someone who adores him and makes a big fuss about him, giving him an opportunity to be the pain giver more than the pain sufferer. You are filling that role well. He gets to flirt with your friends in front of you, and puts you down for your choice of male friends. All of this, and what you correctly identified as “territorial” behavior, serves to sooth his bruised ego.

What’s important for you to realize is that you will never, never be the healer. Only his ex can offer that to him. For now, all he can settle for is to inflict some pain on you.

Now, this is important to realize: he’s not doing this because he’s a rotten guy who is planning these actions. All this is happening subconsciously, not part of a plan to actually hurt you. He has no idea that this is why he's doing what he's doing.

Your best solution? Cut off the friendship all together. Remove yourself from the role of ego booster.

Whether there’s a future for you two or not, no one knows. And the notion that you’re made for each other is just romance novel nonsense. The reality that you have to face is this: he’s a wounded guy who is lashing out at you, and you need to remove yourself from being his victim.

Submitted on Monday, May 18, 2009
By: Demi
Age: 15
Location: Hollywood
Question: I like this guy but I don't know if he likes me back. He doesn't know my name, we're not friends either, we only ride the bus home together. He talked to me once while smiling. How do I know if he likes me without him finding out that I like him, too?

VictorM's advice:

Well, instead of worrying about whether he likes you or not, why not give him an opportunity to get to like you? Smile at him, greet him using his name, and open the door for him to talk to you again. He did it once; I’m sure he’ll do it again.

Submitted on Monday, May 18, 2009
By: jackie
Age: 19
Location: SC
Question: If a guy downloads girly music because one of his friends that is a girl listens to it - do you think it is a sign that he likes her?

VictorM's advice:

There’s a good chance that he likes her, yes.

Girly music... um... sounds like something they might use for "enhanced interrogations." :-p

Submitted on Monday, May 18, 2009
By: eve
Age: 31
Location: washington dc
Question: i've been on one date with this guy, which i totally initiated. (meaning, i offered him my number, and he called me and asked me out).

we've texted once since then (during a weeks time) he texted me to let me know he had a good time and we should do it again soon. i'm just wondering at this point, how do i make him really like me other than just thinking that i'm "hot" as he told me. i consider him boyfriend material, and would really like to play my cards right here to make him see me as girlfriend material as opposed to just some hot chick he'd like to hook up with.

VictorM's advice:

Well, it always starts with a guy feeling the girl is hot, so there’s no problem there. Enjoy it and keep him hooked by being your sexy self. It’ll take a while before he sees you purely as a sex playmate. The important thing is to, without shying away from the sexual attraction, start doing things that convey interest in him as a possible boyfriend (without saying it). Doing simple things like going to movies, plays, museums, staying at home playing scrabble, or whatever it is that you consider activities that you would like to share with a boyfriend.

Remember that the most important thing is for him to feel good about himself when he’s around you. So you must also do things with him and for him that go beyond physical pleasure. To do that, you need to learn about his preferences, his passions, and his interests, and introduce them as much as possible to your relationship.

Submitted on Sunday, May 17, 2009
By: Mara
Age: 24
Location: Brisbane
Question: hey Victor!

I have a question about a response you posted earlier

You say:

Guys love a challenge to overcome, a mystery to solve, a conquest to allow them to bang their chest and proudly hoist their ego high. Be that challenge, that mystery, that conquest that took effort to win. Specifically, don't be too eager (keep first few dates short, space out your availability to him, don't rush your text replies, etc.), don't be too honest (about feelings, your past, personal things ), don't be too accommodating (be assertive about places to meet, dates and times, etc.).

In short, be friendly but make him work for your attention and leave him wanting more.

So are you saying that to begin with, being available to see a guy when he asks, having long dates and being accommodating with his suggestions about dates will get us girls nowhere?

I understand the whole chase thing but if I have to think about this so much, have a 'battle plan' and so on, I don't feel it's genuine. And I'm sure that every guy is different. Just because one guy might like to chase, another might think I'm playing games or aren't that interested and leave me anyway.

I ask this because I just don't know how to strike the balance. But shouldn't it all come natural and if it's mean to happen it will?

I recently met a guy who I though I got along with really well. I made him wait a week for the second date (I didn't want to rush!) but during that date I was so comfortable around him, the date went on for 10 hours. I saw him again the next day, and then twice more within the next week. I was just so comfortable around him and I didn't see the need to 'schedule' things and plan when, how and how soon to see him...I was just going along with what felt right at the time.

As you can imagine, he hasn't asked me out since and to me that means he's no longer interested.

As a side note, we did spend the last two dates at his place having dinner and watching movies. I have thought of the possibility of him having expected to sleep with me since he invited me over but because I didn't go further than kissing (I told him it was too soon to go further than that) this is the real reason he doesn't want to see me anymore.

It leaves me wondering what to do, what not to do...how to act, what to say, and so on...and the unexpected always happens.

I just assume (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that if a guy is truly interested in a girl, he won't up and leave when she doesn't get intimate with him quickly or when she is available to see him often. And what happens to the guys who like to chase? What do they do when they catch you?

VictorM's advice:

I find it ironic that you question what I said before and then provide a personal experience that proves what I said. :)

Guys never, never, never, never, get into a girl initially the way a girl gets into a guy. What guys do is become attracted to you physically but they never, never, never, get emotionally attached in the beginning. It takes getting to know you for quite a while before they are hooked on you emotionally. This period between when strong lust dominates and when feelings develop, saturating a guy with your presence more often than not will backfire.

You say you don’t want to play games. But you do about sex. You have no problem with making the guy wait for that. Isn’t that a game that you play? You do it because you feel guys could skip on you if that’s all they are after, right? The thing is, I don’t see this as playing a game; I see it as a strategy based on societal beliefs and a perceived motivation about most guys. It makes sense not to give in to sex right away. I’m just saying to extend that approach to the dating process as well.

Now, could a guy who has sex with you on day one still stick around, marry you, and you both live happily ever after? Of course! It can happen. And it does happen. But even in those cases I’m willing to bet that love came later. Conversely, doing all the “playing hard to get” is still no guarantee that the guy will stick around. But you give yourself a better chance with a guy if you take it slow and make him work for your attention. You save yourself potential heartache by not feeling too invested early on. And if you don’t shut yourself away after meeting a guy for an hour and thinking he’s mister perfect -- odds are that he isn’t anyway -- you're available to meeting more guys.

Submitted on Sunday, May 17, 2009
By: marie
Age: 35
Location: Albany
Question: I have been on 6 dates with this guy, he told me to call him anytime, he gets me little gifts, sends me cute messages.. .I saw him the other day every was good, kissed me goodbye and he would call me. He did a day later, that's ok, but he said he was sorry he sent me mixed signal, he is a very busy guy and can't get caught up in anything. I said ok and hung up. we haven’t' talked since. What was that all about?

VictorM's advice:

Oh, nothing too unusual. He was very active during the courtship phase, but then lost interest in you.

Yep, it happens that quickly, virtually for no reason at all. It's basically that lust carries the day for a while. Eventually, that simmers down and something else needs to fuel the attraction. In this case, nothing did. Just as the flame of interest burns strong out of the blue, so it can extinguish itself just as quickly.

Oh well, at least I hope you kept the gifts.

Submitted on Sunday, May 17, 2009
By: K
Age: 15
Question: there’s a guy on my track team, and he really confuses me. we’ve never talked before, but i see him looking at me a lot. for example, i was stretching on the sidelines for about 15 minutes during practice with a couple of friends. the entire time i was there, he was standing about 10 feet away by the water fountain. he just stood there, the entire time i was doing my stretching, etc. then, when my friends and i got up and left, he walked away as well. also, he is in a class with a friend of mine, and when i went to visit the class recently he apparently asked her why i was there, although no one else seemed to notice/care. i am just always seeing him looking at me. however, a few weeks ago when i tried to friend him on facebook, he ignored my request. i don’t know about him at all! he must either like me or hate me...right? i'm so confused.

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he likes you physically, which explains him standing there looking at you stretch, but he’s not interest in anything more.

If you are so good looking that he can’t take his eyes off you, chances are he’s too intimidated by you to pursue anything more anyway. At least for now. But that could change in the near future.

Boys around your age love to window shop but most are not ready to buy yet.

Submitted on Saturday, May 16, 2009
By: Liz
Age: 25
Location: Arkansas
Question: I had the perfect man, got scared when I realized I love him and broke up. I then realized my mistake and don't know how to explain this to him. We both work a lot so the relationship was hard enough as is. We never spoke of love, but I truly believe he loves me. He does not answer my calls or reply to texts. What can I do?

VictorM's advice:

You can start by accepting that you’re wrong about him being the perfect man; if he were he’d at least talk to you and let you know why he has no interest in you.

If you’re willing to accept that he’s not perfect after all, well, there are a lot of other imperfect guys and you’re better off putting your energies on finding one of them. At least this way you might find an imperfect guy who has the decency to respect your feelings.

Submitted on Saturday, May 16, 2009
By: sonya
Age: 30
Location: florida
Question: I met this guy at a service station while trying to get some help with my car. He offered to help me with my car. He even gave me a ride to work in a different town. We then exchanged numbers so he could inform me about the part for my car. He did and even took me the next day to pick the part up again this was out of town about a one hour drive and everything was fine. When I asked if he remembered the number to the service station he replied "NO", but he did. He then fixed my car and things where fine. Then one day we were on the phone and he told me he had kids. I replied how many he said five and I have none but love kids and work with them all day long. While talking to him I was on line doing a background check and ran across his picture he has served time as well. A few weeks later I found out he has another baby on the way by the second baby mom who is eight months. I was so shocked because we had been spending a lot of time together and there were no signs. When I asked he was honest and replied I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not with neither one of them I just didn't want to scare you off. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt to redeem himself of just let it go?

VictorM's advice:

I’d suggest you let some other woman give him the benefit of the doubt.

Prison is generally not the best form of counseling to help a guy change his ways. After all, the baby that is on the way happened after he come out of prison, no? How much do you think the woman carrying that baby gained by giving him the benefit of the doubt?

And if you go by the mere fact that he had opportunities to harm you and he didn’t, you’re setting the bar way too low for your own good.

Submitted on Thursday, May 14, 2009
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando
Question: Hi hi,

there's this boy in my english class and he sits across from me. Due to the fact that i'm sorta attracted to him, I look at him and sometimes I catch his eyes and sometimes I feel as if he's watching me. I know him, but not as a common friend. I don't really know how to talk to him because, well, he's sorta intimidating...he's really tall and quiet in the class and he has a neutral look always and that sorta scares me...i'm afraid of making things feel awkward trying to talk to him. What do you think, Mr. Victor???

VictorM's advice:

Well, Ms. Wolffy, I can understand your predicament. But you can always rely on smiling at him and greeting him by using his name (“Hi, James”). If he has the slightest interest he’ll start taking to you.

In a situation like this, smiles and friendly greetings are you best weapons.

Submitted on Thursday, May 14, 2009
By: confused
Location: usa
Question: I met a guy through some friends about a year ago. He seems like a nice guy. We have only seen each other 3 times in person within that year. We live 2 hours away from each other. He has asked me numerous times to go to his place for the weekend so we could see each other. He hasn't given me any reason to believe that he would make me uncomfortable. How do i know if he really just wants to spend time together to get to know each other or if he is hoping something else will happen?

VictorM's advice:

He’s not volunteering to come and visit you to get to know you, is he?

There are many other places to see you other than his place. How about meeting half way for dinner? Propose it and watch his reaction.

Submitted on Thursday, May 14, 2009
By: Anonymous
Age: 21
Question: I just recently found out my boyfriend hid some girl's number under a fake guy's name in his phone. I'm really upset and mad over it. I know he talks to who ever she is but deletes everything afterward. I know he would never cheat on me and I know he has a lot of female friends, but is he hiding it from me because he'll think I'll get mad?


VictorM's advice:

You know he would never cheat on you? Um… OK.

Does he hide his conversations with other girls or just this one? And what can he possibly say to her that would make you mad? You think they discuss sports? Decorating ideas?

Look, a relationship without trust will have problems, whether cheating is involved or not. I’d say your boyfriend has taken a big step towards trouble in a relationship, even if cheating is far from his mind. But the true answer to the reasons for his monkey business is not in his words; it’s in your perception of his reasons for doing it. And if you’re satisfied he has good reasons to hide conversations with other girls from you, then you should apologize for making him feel so paranoid (the poor guy), otherwise, your perspective on life is about to change because I can’t think of one good reason for him doing what he’s doing.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 13, 2009
By: Hallie
Age: 29
Location: New York
Question: Hey so I was dating a guy for a long time and he is a soccer and wrestling coach so he is super busy. Anyway I was great to him. Gave him support when he lost a game and he would take it read BAD, gave him space when he wanted to just have guy nights, and let it slide when I found out he had a facebook account and never told me and had ALOT of girls as friends. He still told me he loved me and talked about a future and yet I never saw him! So one night I got fed up and broke up with him, and he didn't even care. And me being stupid I thought I had made a mistake and right away I called back to apologize. He said he needed "ME" time and he wants to figure out his life and that meant he wants to party with his boys. So he wouldn't speak to me except to sent me nasty texts. Then he started talking to me everyday again and tells me he loves me. We hang out but he refuses to get back together. Believe it or not I do realize he is playing with me, and unfortunately I love him very much. I even told him to let me go if he doesn't want me and he just sticks around and tells me he loves me bout 4 times a day.

It is hopeless for him and me, right??

VictorM's advice:

Not only is he an immature twit, he’s a selfish jerk. I can only hope there is no chance for you two. And I don't think there is. You're a toy until he finds someone who makes me realize that being a soccer and wrestling coach is not that important of a job.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 13, 2009
By: brittany
Age: 16
Location: pennsylvania
Question: ok im dating this guy, but lately he has been avoiding me, he always says his phone is dying but i know it isn't because it's always on the charger, and he just doesn't care about anything. he's acting so different, i don't want to get hurt, i just don't know what to do, is he cheating on me, idk, i think he is hiding something and i just have no clue what to think, help

VictorM's advice:

He wants to breakup with you but he doesn’t have the nerve to tell you.

It doesn’t matter what else he’s doing when he’s not with you, what matters is that you have to impose your self-respect into this, and if he’s not going to treat you with respect, boot his ass out the door.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 13, 2009
By: Pam
Age: 36
Location: Ga
Question: I have a busy boyfriend in college. He hardly calls me during the day. He hardly leaves me a text. Last night I told him that i would back off. He simply said ok. Should I expect him to call or just let things be as they are?

VictorM's advice:

There's a good chance he'll call you more if you back off, but probably not as much as you'd like. You know, when you were a teenager, there was no texting. And you know what? Somehow, love flourished and lovers survived.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 13, 2009
By: Angel
Age: 21
Location: AL
Question: My boyfriend brokeup with me like 2 1/2 or 3 months ago we had been together for 3 yrs. He said we need space, but the problem is we still live together, sleep in the same bed, fool around & he even gets mad if i don't do certain sexual things. Lately a lot of guys have been asking me out, but i continue to turn them down because i don't want to mess up a chance of my ex and i getting back together. & on top of that how do i explain to the new guy that i still live with my ex. but recently i met this guy that i like & i think he likes me but im afraid to lose my ex, because he acts like we're still together. i asked my ex if we would ever get back together and he said no, but he was supposedly being sarcastic. & now that i told my ex about this guy at work (not that i like him just mentioned his name) hes being even more touchy feely and giving me a lot compliments.. but he doesnt want to be with me? whats up with this? and the new guy keeps asking me who i live with, & when i dont tell him its like he gets a little disappointed, is he waiting for me to tell him who i live before he asks me for my number or something? idk...

VictorM's advice:

Your ex’s reaction to knowing about the guy at work has nothing to do with revived interest in you. He’s just being selfish and territorial.

One of the things that guys really want in a girlfriend is respect. Respect for him and respect for herself. You’re clearly not someone worthy of respect. He’s dumped you and you continue to be his sex object. He tells you flatly that you’re never be together again and you still cling on.

No guy is going to want to deal with you seriously as long as you’re living with your ex/current sex partner.

Pick your self-respect by its bootstraps, accept that your ex is not into you except for sexual pleasure, move out, and start again with someone new.

Submitted on Tuesday, May 12, 2009
By: megan
Age: 15
Location: texas
Question: there is this guy in my class that I think is so cute. we've already been introduced but haven't talked yet. during class I catch him looking at me and we constantly meet each others eyes. how would I be the one to break the ice? but should I? does it even seem as if he is interested??

Submitted on Tuesday, May 12, 2009
By: Abby
Age: 19
Location: Cincinnati
Question: Hi!
So there is this guy in one of my classes. I have noticed him around campus before and I think he is totally gorgeous. The class we now share is pretty big, but I know he has seen me in there because sometimes when I am glancing over at him, I catch him look over at me too. I'm pretty shy with guys, and I really want to meet him. However, usually when guy walk up to girls out of nowhere, most girls are creeped out or intimidated. So what can I do meet this guy or get him to come to me?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he’s interested but boys often like to just appreciate a girl from the distance. In any case, smile at him. Greet him using his name. But do let him take the initiate.

Submitted on Tuesday, May 12, 2009
By: P
Age: 21
Location: Jax
Question: I have been in a relationship 5 years we live together and have 2 kids, my bf out of nowhere decides that he loves me but doesn't want to be in a relationship. This all came from nowhere and the last month his brother has moved in due to hard times. I try to do things too continue to make him happy yet try to do things to make him realize that he does need me ie. laundry, household etc. He still sleeps in the same bed as me and will initiate sex,which I give in hoping hell get over it ie. make up sex?...but he refuses to kiss me...what is going on?..is he confused about what he wants in life he is now 24..but we have just last month talked about getting a house together,marriage,etc. then like I said out of nowhere he doesn't want a relationship.He won't leave and Im not outputting me and the kids,but if he doesn't want to be with me(if that's the case) why can't he move on and make things easier for me he is toying with my emotions.

HELP!

VictorM's advice:

I don’t know why he changed towards you, but why should he leave? You do laundry and other household chores for him and you have sex with him when he wants it. It’s like having a maid and a mistress for less money than what he would have to pay for child support if he left you and the kids. Chances are that under these conditions he will stick around for a while.

Submitted on Monday, May 11, 2009
By: Radhika
Age: 26
Location: India
Question: I have been dating this guy since 3-4 months.We use to talk just through chat before dating for 2-3 months.I am not being too proud but just saying honestly that, I am a much better looking person than him and he was the one always asking me out. I was not ready for this but then eventually went out with him since I found him attractive and compatible too. He and I being in a mature age and I was very clear that i am not looking out for any fling..Any relationship now will be IT..like the final one and I will not be getting too much physical with him.He still agreed as he came across as a genuine guy who really liked me and as any girl, I fell for that.

He has always been very busy with work just like me but I am always adjusting to his schedule. He is a cool guy but came across as quiet unreliable with time. He use to not stick to what he says. He must have never removed ONE ENTIRE DAY to be with me. He use to always be in a hurry to meet and use to hang out for 2 hrs maximum that also once a week only. I always expressed myself to him by saying that he should spend some more time but he never did.

I also realised that he had great night outs with his female and male friends MUCH MORE THAN ME. He has many female and guy friends who he use to spend more time and giving them priority which was also cool since I know that space and your own life is very important. Plus, I did not wanted to expect too much at the start.

I confirmed with him several times If he liked any one else but he always said no and got a bit angry.

He is also a guy who told me that he just does not like being asked questions in details about his outings or meetings with his friends which was funny. We use to chat more through message than phone at times since guys do not like talking on the phone. He has quiet expressed his will for a future together but cannot confirm as usual which is ok as i understand that guys do not commit so easily and his thoughts keeps changing I finally realised that we will not be happy together at least at present since he had some physical expectations which I was not ready for.

We parted ways after 3-4 months and continued to be friends for a month. I was the one who use to call him first after this always as he always said that he is too busy.I started missing him and thought that relationships are not about physical and he expressed his liking quiet a lot yet again and we got back together once again. He started acting very busy again like not returning calls and basically absent minded.

After just one date, I again told him that we could part our ways If he is not happy but he did not want to discuss it since he was busy. I went home on a good note with regular affection from his side. I messaged him many a times like only on that day since I thought he must have felt bad or something but he was ok. He just messaged me after 2 days saying that he is extremely busy. I gave a break of two days and called him many a times to just speak. His number was busy for hours. I got a bit angry at this behaviour and messaged saying good bye in sweet words. Guess what?? He has not replied and never returned my call either.

It's been a month and I have not called him either since I am not a freak. It surely feels bad. I cannot believe him since I do not know any boyfriend or friend at least who does not return a girlfriends who he liked so much. What is your suggestion??.Many a times before also, he use to not call back at that time but he use to reply after couple of days at least.Will he call and how to teach him a lesson so that he calls and runs back again after me pleaseeee. I want to be upfront and straight with him with his behaviour??

VictorM's advice:

Silence is not a polite form of communication but it is a form of communication. And what it says is that he’s not interested in you. He doesn't feel the need to say anything. If anything, it should reinforce your decision to breakup.

My advice is for you to find someone who is not so busy.

Submitted on Monday, May 11, 2009
By: Amy
Age: 25
Location: CA
Question: I met this guy back in February because I was interviewing him for a class project. After the interview we kept in touch via email and a few days later he asked me out. We went to a great dinner date, then had coffee and went for a walk. He asked me out a second time. Since then we've only been chatting online and nothing more. I want to know what's going on. Has he lost interest in me? Did I do something?

He had casually asked me out for a third date, day was set but not the time. The day came and went and nothing happened. Before the day that him and I were going to go out for a third time, he brought up some celebrity he had a huge crush on. I took it as a joke but when he would not stop taking about hooking up with her and he was taking it too far, I got frustrated and told him maybe I should just set the two of them up together that weekend instead of me and him going out. That incident may or may not have contributed to something. A day or two later he said it was a joke and I should take everything he says online seriously.

It been about 3 months since we've last gone out, we chat and nothing more. It's frustrating. He is just leading me on. Why has nothing happened? I am mad at myself for developing feelings for this guy and allowing myself to fall for him. We do have a lot of goals and passions in common so in that sense he is perfect for me. The tough of losing him hurts and give me a sick feeling inside. Men are so confusing and complicated. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

Men are confusing? Are you kidding?! The guy hasn’t asked you out in 3 months and you’re still wondering where you stand? Come on! Does he have to tattoo his forehead with “I’m not into you anymore” for you to get the message? He’s spoken loud and clear: he’s not interested. You just don't like the message.

He doesn’t really have to tell you anything because 2 dates aren’t a commitment. He simply stopped asking again. Seems to me like the sensible thing to do. He continues to talk to you because while he may no longer be interested in more, he still continues to be polite and friendly.

Just because the guy isn’t saying what you want to hear doesn’t mean he’s leading you on; in fact, he’s not.

Submitted on Monday, May 11, 2009
By: Anabelle
Age: 25
Location: London, UK
Question: I met a lovely guy Mike at a colleague's birthday last week. I don't know the colleague well (we have a mutual friend) but he is Mike's flatmate.

I spoke to Mike for a while that night and we really clicked and got on well. He kissed me towards the end of the night and asked me for my number. When I got home he texted me to say he was very glad to have met me and he hoped to see me again (in fact there were such two texts!) I feared that he may have just been a little tipsy, so I was guarded in my response.

The next day at work, my friend said I should text him and I did. My text wasn't anything too specific and I did not ask a question. Mike never responded.

My question is - should I perhaps try contacting him again? He seemed very keen and I feel that if he felt the same way, he would have texted back. Help!

Thanks, Anabelle.

VictorM's advice:

If you want a response from a guy via text, ask him a question. Guys are often too practical for their own good. The way they see it, if you don’t ask a question, you’re not looking for a reply. Contact him again, if you want, but pose a question (you know, end the sentence with a question mark). :)

Submitted on Monday, May 11, 2009
By: Julie
Age: 27
Question: Hey hope you can help with this one. I have a crush on my colleague and don't know how to get his attention. I don't even know how I started liking him. We've worked in the same department for a few months but we don't really interact and he always seems to be in a bad mood so he never talks or smiles, or hardly even looks at me. I didn't like him at all in the beginning so I never bothered to talk to him either but one day we had a team meeting and his intelligence blew me away. After that I started noticing little things about how, like how he looks really cute when he's concentrating. Some of us went for drinks recently and he was quite polite to me but we didn't actually have a conversation. I heard from another colleague that he's single and is looking for a girlfriend but he doesn't seem to have even noticed me and probably wouldn't consider me though I'm quite attractive. Might be a case of not seeing what's under your nose! Anyway he's also senior to me (job title not age) and I don't want to mess up in the office so I can't chat him up. I just want to know what might make a guy sit up and take interest? Or should I just not bother since he doesn't seem attracted at all right now?

VictorM's advice:

He may show no interest in you now, but at one time you didn’t have any interest in him. Things change, so don't give up.

The most likely reason for him staying away from you is that romance at work can be a real problem, more so if you’re at different reporting levels.

In any case, make sure to smile, greet him pleasantly using his name, and every chance you get engage him in conversation. Any chance you have to spend time with him away from the office, do it.

Whatever you do, keep your romantic interest for him out of the office.

Submitted on Monday, May 11, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hey victor,
it's been a while :)

anyway, i was wondering if you could tell me some big turn offs for guys? i know being insecure and needy, negative, etc. are turn-offs.

but i mean specific things. i am wondering because i go out with guys a lot for 1, 2, maybe 3 dates and then i don't hear from them anymore or can never get to the point where we are actually in a relationship. but it seems like other girls i know can easily get into a relationship.

VictorM's advice:

The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? :)

Guys love a challenge to overcome, a mystery to solve, a conquest to allow them to bang their chest and proudly hoist their ego high. Be that challenge, that mystery, that conquest that took effort to win. Specifically, don't be too eager (keep first few dates short, space out your availability to him, don't rush your text replies, etc.), don't be too honest (about feelings, your past, personal things ), don't be too accommodating (be assertive about places to meet, dates and times, etc.).

In short, be friendly but make him work for your attention and leave him wanting more.

Submitted on Sunday, May 10, 2009
By: Kel
Age: 24
Location: MI
Question: I met this guy in January and we dated until March. We were long-distance, both in grad school, and working, but still tried to make it work. It got to the point where I didn't think that he was into making the effort anymore (once, a week passed by without me hearing anything from him) - he said he didn't think he had enough time for me, and we broke things off. We didn't talk much afterward and I started dating other guys. About a month and a half after our breakup, he contacted me and said he missed me, loved me, and wanted to give things another try. I asked if things had changed - meaning, did he have enough time for our relationship? He said that he wanted to "take it easy," but be exclusive. He asked what I needed from him in order to make the relationship work and we set up some communication guidelines, so I agreed to try it again.

Things have been going pretty well for the most part...he is making much more effort than in the past and I'm starting to feel close to him again. But I do have a couple of concerns...

He is a member of an online dating site (okcupid) and is still active. His profile does say that he is "seeing someone," and I do realize that you can use okcupid for reasons other than online dating, but it still bothers me that he goes on it. I asked him about it and he said that he has some friends on there that he communicates with occasionally, but that they are just friends. Is it unfair of me to wonder why he can't just talk to these friends through AIM/gchat, etc? I can't help but worry that he is browsing around for other women, or that he just likes the ego boost. Also, I was in a previous long-distance relationship years ago and I was cheated on, so sometimes I think that I am just being paranoid because of that baggage. I have male friends myself so I don't know if it's a jealousy issue, or more just wondering why he feels the need to be on that site.

I read through some of the other questions and I noticed that you once stated that a guy often gets bored with certain forms of communication (such as phone, text, IM, etc). We don't get to see each other often because we're on pretty much opposite coasts. Neither of us have plans to move to one another anytime soon, although we have discussed the possibility. Should I be worried that he's going to get sick of only having these communication methods and not being able to actually see me?

The last thing that concerns me is his attitude/viewpoint toward our relationship. He calls me his girlfriend, says we're exclusive, discusses the future with me...but also says that we're "taking it easy" and "just seeing what happens." He said he felt like we moved too fast the first time we dated (which I don't necessarily disagree with) and that he didn't feel like he could be the type of boyfriend he wanted to be. He said he feels less pressure/obligation now, but I'm wondering what that means exactly? I asked if he was thinking long-term with me and he said yes and that he wants to make it work. But I'm confused by his whole "just see what happens" attitude.

Sorry for the novel. Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Who's to say that a long distance like that won't work? After all, every week I play $1 in the Mega Million lottery. Why do I do that? Because as they say... you never know. And even if I think that at 22 million to 1 the odds of me of winning the big prize are better than your long distance relationship leading somewhere, still... you never know.

But come on, you're 3,000 miles apart, you have no concrete plans to be together, and when you say you met a guy, did you actually meet him in person? And does the word "dating" even apply?

You don't have a relationship; you have a fantasy of having a relationship. When you talk about moving too fast and not being the type of boyfriend he wanted to be, what on earth are you even talking about if you're not relating on a day to day basis? How long can you expect to go, being in your 20's, without physical contact? I just don't see it going anywhere because humans need physical contact; we're not digital creatures that can live off emails and text messages. I mean, does this guy use deodorant? Does he brush his teeth regularly? How often does he change his underwear? Does he have dirt under his fingernails? Does any of this matter to you?

And apparently, he doesn't see it going anywhere either. He's keeping his options open, hence the active OKCupid thing. He's on it because, like you, he's a dreamer. Unlike you, his dreams are of tasting success in a media form that allows him to exercise his imagination with many people. He's much less likely to stay committed to a non-physical relationship than you.

When you apologized for the novel, I know you meant the long submission, but really, the comment is very apropos your situation: you're living in a romance novel, fantasizing about a man and imagining a whole future that exists only in your vivid imagination. A novel, indeed.

Submitted on Sunday, May 10, 2009
By: melissa
Age: 18
Location: pennsylvannia
Question: If a guy says he hates your guts does he really hate your guts or is he just saying that?

VictorM's advice:

Love and hate are very similar emotions. You can't have hate without love. He's just saying it.

Submitted on Saturday, May 09, 2009
By: Lourette
Age: 14
Location: Mississippi
Question: Hey :)
Okay, so one of my best guy friends is this enormous girl magnet. Most of my friends have crushed on him at one point in their lives. He's rejected all but one.
I've been trying to figure out why for a while now.
He's a homophobe, so he can't be gay.
He does have relationships every now and then, so i'm positive it's not that he's not ready.
He's kind of an egotist, so he's not unsure of himself.
He claims he sees the inner beauty in all women, so I doubt it's something superficial unless he's just a Class-A B.S. artist.
Why do you think this is?

VictorM's advice:

I'm not saying he's gay but he totally could be. Lots of boys who doubt their sexually will be very openly anti-gay as a way to deflect suspicion. So don't rule it out.

Your guy friend is just at an age when settling on one girl seems like a dumb thing to do. The thing is, unlike girls, guys get a reputation by having many girls, not one. So you're thinking like a girl assuming he should have one girl and can't understand why he's acting like a guy who wants to keep his options open to many.

And he says he sees the inner beauty of women? He's full of shit! Or gay! :-p

Submitted on Friday, May 08, 2009
By: Nicole
Age: 28
Location: nc
Question: I met a guy on an online website about 2 weeks ago. Last weekend we went on a date on Saturday and it ended up lasting 24 hours! We didn't have sex but fooled around; when we'd determined he was going to stay in town (he's an hour away) he voluntarily said 'we won't do anything but cuddle and sleep' and i verified that that was indeed what we would do. Anyway, to make a long story short, the next day he hung around, we went out of town to watch a movie and everything was great. He was very attentive the whole time, always saying he likes me so much, lots of kissing, hand holding all day, blah blah. Now, within a 4-5 day period, i've talked to him on the phone once, and we've texted several times a day. Since this is all the contact I've had with him, I'm beginning to wonder. I sent him some sexy pictures via text and I'm beginning to wonder if it's only lust he feels...should i follow through with our proposed meeting this weekend? it was my idea...what is this guy after?

VictorM's advice:

Guys are always going to be motivated by lust first, way before there is anything else. It's just a matter of whether you and him will be patient enough for feelings to develop. But unless you found something else that worries you about him, I see no reason for not seeing him again.

For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.

Submitted on Thursday, May 07, 2009
By: jo
Age: 37
Location: uk
Question: hey victor, great blog with great advice, I have recommended it to all my friends.
I need some advice on the no contact rule please. I split up with my boyfriend just over a week ago, we live an hr apart so we only get to see each other once every week or two depending on work. anyway to cut a long story short when we fell out i never got in contact with him altho i was really upset. well last week i sent him a short letter telling him that i agree with the breakup and maybe its time i moved on with my life, i wasnt expecting to hear from him then last nite he sent me a text saying that he couldnt offer me what i wanted (i dont know what he meant by this) he also said that he felt it unfair that it’s me who has to travel to see him (he’s a head chef so doesn't get much time off) and that he loved making love to me but he doesn't want me to think that all the wanted was sex which i know it wasn't, he finished of the text by saying that he wishes things were different, he misses me and i should take care X.

i'm so confused of what to do, should i reply to his text or should i continue with the no contact. victor do you think i'm wasting my time on this guy, do you think he is interested or is he just stringing me along..
thanks for the advice

VictorM's advice:

He's done with you, just as you should be done with him. All that's left is him trying to come across as a good guy (didn't want just sex, misses you, blah, blah, blah) but really, he's not interested. He's moving on, and so should you. Spend your energies trying to find someone closer to home.

Submitted on Thursday, May 07, 2009
By: Beverly
Age: 48
Location: Chicago
Question: I'm getting some odd vibes from a man who is e-mailing me in response to my profile ad on a dating website. He seems to want to assume an instant relationship. Says he has been rejected a lot. He is older, and describes himself as a homebody, lives next door to his elderly mother, says he was married twice. The things he says (via text, phone, and e-mail) that send up red flags for me are, for example: "Miss you." "Should be going home to you." Etc. We have not even met yet. We are not in a relationship. This is just dating -- the process of getting to know another person to see if we mutually might want to: a) be friends b) possibly date exclusively and/or be in a relationship. Is he just a needy guy or am I missing something here? We're planning to meet for an initial coffee date soon, but I'm not sure if that is a good idea.

VictorM's advice:

If I were in your shoes and some woman acted that way, I'd take the next space shuttle to the Space Station just so I could be as far away from her as possible. Life is too short to deal with needy people like that. As I'm sure his two previous wives, and the many other women who have rejected him, have found out.

His welfare and future happiness is not your problem -- take care of your own.

Submitted on Thursday, May 07, 2009
By: Annette
Age: 40
Location: England
Question: We had been together two yrs living together one. We keep breaking up and making up but last week l told him to leave as l felt taken for granted anyway he did but keeps texting l love u and making small talk. Does he want me back?

VictorM's advice:

Yes. And you will take him back. And you will fight again. And he will leave. And you'll take him back, etc. etc.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 06, 2009
By: jen
Age: 30
Location: california
Question: ok... so I finally started dating this guy that had been asking me out for 3 years. We dated for 2 months and he totally treated me like a princess. Called me every day, took me on a trip, bought me clothes... I was always really nice to him in the past, and really started liking him. After 2 months of dating, something bad happened in my life, and the next day when I went to have a few drinks with friends, he texted to me and I was super bitchy to him. The next day I texted him to apologize but it came out in a way that him (and my friends) thought that I said I just wanted to be friends (I didn't). I've contacted him a few days later and he was upset. He said I was "a jerk to him that day, tried to make him feel guilty and I should know that he would have done anything to help me out. And then the next day told him I wanted to throw our dating relationship away and just be friends." Since then I have contacted him and he is friendly like he was when I knew him before dating, but that's it. What should I do or say?

VictorM's advice:

If you have already apologized for your mistake, do or say nothing else about it. If you haven't, you should (as long as you mean it).

It's hard to know what will happen next. It's quite possible that once he gets over this -- and guys can take a few days mulling stuff like this over -- things will be back to the way they were. Or, he might realize that if you're bitchy and take things out of him, seemingly for something minor, you're more than likely to be that way about other things in life, and who needs a bitch in his life?

But if you keep talking about this incident, you'll just refresh his memory of something unpleasant. So be done with the talking about that subject and just be nice to him.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 06, 2009
By: Jessie
Age: 16
Location: In a box.
Question: Well, my boyfriend and I (after dating for 6 months, breaking up for another 6) got back together 3 months ago. Everything's been awesome so far, but I feel a little nervous about a situation I have now.

You see, there's this girl I know (who happens to be one of his exes. she only lasted less than a month after he broke up with me.) and she tells me she and her most recent boyfriend broke up 2 weeks before prom. (ouch) And then she's texing and calling my boyfriend constantly. Then I find out from my boyfriend himself that he's hanging with her and wouldn't answer my questions. This makes me angry because now I think she's trying to get him back... while I'm still together with him!

So, my friends (also his) told him I was pissed and had serious talks with him. The next day, we all walk to a friends house together and I was able to talk to him about it. I asked him what he did with her and he said they were just teasing her little brother and and just hung out for a while. I told him my perspective and told him what me and everyone else thought she was up to. He said "Well, that's awkward." He seemed a little surprised.

So far since then, she hasn't contacted him to my knowledge. But that kinda scared me. I have this gut feeling that he's more committed to me this time around (and proof too)... But what was that all about? Then the next day, I hear from one of my friends overheard her talking about him and plotting to get him back. My intuition was correct, it seems, because my friend confronted this girl and told her he was dating me already. The girl replies that "we didn't look good together."

What do you think I should do about this? I'm a junior and she's a frosh. I know also that she could be possibly trying to spread rumors about me. I would like to have a talk with her, but I don't think she'll listen to me at all. =P

VictorM's advice:

What are you going to do every time some girl shows interest in him? There will be others who will like him, you know. He has to be the one to draw a line with her, not you. He's the one that has to show you respect. She owes you nothing, really.

You've already told him how you feel. That's good. Give him a chance to prove to you that he respects you. If he fails the task, well, let her have him -- he's not worth keeping. But for now, give him the benefit of the doubt.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 06, 2009
By: Megan
Age: 22
Location: Memphis
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend since January and am moving out of town in 2 months. It will only be a few hours away from where he lives, so we'll still see each other a couple times a month. He mentioned after the summer moving in together, but that's a huge step for me to take with someone. Is moving in together a good idea after only dating since January?

VictorM's advice:

Probably no, specially if it's such a huge step for you, which means you simply may not be ready.

But further, this is still within the period when guys are still running on the fumes of lust, meaning, their true feelings and conviction of commitment are still not trustworthy.

Moving in is easy, but if you have to move out, it can be a royal pain in the ass. And while couples can break up at any time, I think you need further time together to feel more secure about his feelings for you this early on.

You may want to wait at least the 2 more months you're together before making a decision.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 06, 2009
By: teresa
Age: 50
Location: new york
Question: My boyfriend and I got back together again about a year and a half ago after being apart for fifteen years. He divorced his wife over three years ago (he was married when we fell in love).

He'd been emailing/calling me over the years, but I didn't respond, as I didn't want to be involved ever again with him if he was married. When I finally did respond we both quickly realized that we were still as in love with each other as ever. However, he lives on the west coast, and I live on the east coast. We see each other fairly infrequently, and it's always here where I live in our house - he paid for it as he has money and I basically don't. (I know he's not still married because his daughter came and spent Christmas with us, plus, my brother-in-law is staying with him temporarily while he's out there for work, plus I just believe him).

He's about 11 years older than me, and has been married and divorced twice. The first six months of our renewed relationship was sublime - romantic emails, phone calls, gifts etc. After that, the emails stopped completely and the calls became rather routine nightly events. He is really generous with practical gifts and has made his intention to be with me forever plain. But, I'm concerned about his dwindling demonstrations of affection and romance. Also, I would like to marry him, and we are neither of us "spring chickens." He retires in three years and we plan to live together full time after that - but we'll be even older than we already are!

We do have fairly different personalities, too, as he is an introvert and I am an extrovert, not to mention he's a thinker and I'm a feeler... so there are some obstacles there as well. But, I have always considered him the love of my life and believe I always will.

So, here's my question: Is there a nice way for me to get him to be more romantic with me and maybe even "pop the question"? I don't want to nag or whine him to death, but I really need to feel loved, and want to make our relationship "official". What do you think?

Thanks for any guy's perspective you can give me on this-

Teresa

VictorM's advice:

The decline in emails and such is totally normal. It's virtually impossible to find a man who will give you the same level of attention further into the relationship as he did during the courtship phase. And in your case, you're old enough to remember the days before emails and text messages, and somehow, people knew their lovers loved them. I don't know why that can't work the same way now.

The way to recover some of that level of attention is to do the opposite of nagging. Instead of emphasizing the times he doesn't contact you, let him know how you feel when he does. "I love it when..." "I'm so happy when..." that sort of thing. Positive reinforcement works wonders to encourage repeated behavior.

As for popping the question... well, you have your answer, don't you? According to you: "He retires in three years and we plan to live together full time after that." You have three years for the question to be asked. But since he married twice already, getting married may not carry with it the excitement that it does for you.

Submitted on Wednesday, May 06, 2009
By: Kay
Age: 28
Location: Birmingham
Question: Hi, 5 months ago, i broke up with my partner whom I shared 5 great years with. We moved to London and started uni together and lived together for about 4 years. This is the guy I want to marry and I knew this within 4 months of our relationship. I love him so much and would do anything to be with him again. We broke up due to him moving back to the Midlands and me staying in Surrey. Things started going wrong as he was busy with his masters degree and hardly had any time for us, he was always busy with his uni work.

Anyway, throughout the 5 years his parents didn't know we were together because he didn't really have an open relationship with his parents and didn't know how to tell them, plus his mum has always had a girl lined up for him to marry, but he kept refusing.

He broke up with me within 3 months of him moving back home. I didn't think it would ever happen, we spoke about marriage, kids, opening up a business together. He met my parents, brothers and sisters who loved him almost as much as I do.

Anyway, when he decided to end it my mum called his mum and told her everything, from start to finish. His mum was OK about it and was shocked we were together for so long. His mum asked him if i was the girl he wanted to marry and he said "no", I don't understand why he would say that. His mum then told me to forget about him and get on with my life. 3 weeks later he texts me to say he made a mistake breaking up but there was nothing he could do. Again, why would he say that? I'm all confused and I can't forget about him, it's really hard and I'm finding myself constantly breaking down. I really can't cope. Is it space he needs? We are not in contact and he said he doesn't want to remain as friends. I just don't understand.

VictorM's advice:

The explanations for this turn of events can be many, from a simply "things chance" to his inability to handle the pressure of the the whole marriage, kids, and business together thing. Women see that vision as mostly the promised land but many guys only see pressures that they can't handle. But there could be many other factors, that taken alone or together could have been the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. For example, your statement "I love him so much and would do anything to be with him" is, again, from a female point of view, a strong statement of commitment, but for a guy, it can be seen as a suffocating proposition. Particularly if his feelings for you don't feel as strong as yours for him. And even in your short submission there is evidence that this could be the case.

Within 4 months you saw a man you wanted to marry, but on the other hand, he was too busy for you with school, and he couldn't find a way to tell his parents about you two in 5 years. Come on, these are not the signs of someone who is sold on the idea of spending the rest of his life with you. Sure, he might have gone along with the whole marriage/kids/business thing, but when talking in the abstract that carries a different weight than when it gets closer to reality.

I think you're wearing rose colored glasses about your 5 years together and how serious he really ever was about you all along. And I think he finally got the courage to do the right thing because the more intense your love, the more suffocating it became to him that he didn't feel the same way.

As for the text message and the request to not be friends... they are typical actions of a guy who knows how much you hurt, and in one hand he tries to make you feel better about yourself and on the other hand doesn't want to give you false sense of hope. Basically, he's torn between the right way to handle that he simply isn't into you anymore. He just can't come out and say it straight out.

Submitted on Tuesday, May 05, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 22
Location: South Africa
Question: Hi Victor,

Should you treat shy guys any differently to the way you've suggested girls should behave with regular guys? Are they likely to be discouraged by playing hard to get and all that stuff?

VictorM's advice:

No difference provided "playing hard to get" means this: make him work for your attention, but give him signs of interest (smile, greet him warmly, talk to him nicely, etc.)

Submitted on Sunday, May 03, 2009
By: Kenya
Age: 24
Location: Alabama
Question: My ex boyfriend and I are currently beginning to reconcile after breaking 3 months ago. I really want us to have a fresh new start this time around. The thing is when we first got together I'd met a guy a few weeks before him and ended up briefly dating them both at the same time but later got together with him. I somewhat kept in touch with the other guy because I did like him more, but felt my bf was a better fit for me. Anyway for about a month whenever my bf made me mad I would call the other guy. I never spent any time w/him only talked on the phone and it was only when I was mad. He and my bf were even at my job at the same time once!I got over my feelings for the guy but my bf never even knew of his existence. My question is, should I tell my boyfriend about this because I do want us to start off fresh again. Or should I just take it to the grave? I'm feeling guilty because I chewed him out about flirting with his ex.

VictorM's advice:

Do NOT tell your boyfriend; take it to the grave. Not only would he not understand and just give you hell -- guys seldom understand this sort of thing -- but your reasons for wanting to tell him are selfish and wrong. I mean, you want to dump this on him because you're feeling guilty, not because it will make his life any better.

And something else: your commitment to want to start fresh is a lie. You were already thinking that you wanted a fresh start even as you ran to this other guy for comfort behind your boyfriend's back.

And after your commitment to start fresh you're already getting mad enough that you have to call some other guy? And you say your boyfriend is a better fit? What's this other guy then? Bigfoot? A serial killer? Or even worse, a Republican? :-p

Look, you two broke up for a reason. Has that reason been resolved? Because thinking that you can do the same thing again and again expecting different results is one definition of insanity. And even as you say you want to start fresh, you admit you like another guy more. And you ran to him because your freshly old boyfriend is already making you mad, and you are chewing him off too. Wow... what a dandy promise of a restart.

On second thought, maybe you should tell your boyfriend -- you deserve to have your ass chewed to pieces.

Submitted on Sunday, May 03, 2009
By: Chloe J.
Age: 16
Location: Woodinville
Question: I know a guy in my sophomore English class who’s a little silly and sometimes childish, but really sweet deep down. However, he’s somewhat difficult to decipher— one minute he’s super kind and gentlemanly, another, he acts as if we’re just really ‘best buddies.’ One time, he had pleaded to the teacher to give me an extra day to complete an in-class project because I had “worked really hard on it.” Other times, he’s a complete joke, but in the end he knows when enough is enough. In the past, he has given comments about how I was like his ex because we were both so fun to talk to, and just recently, he had recounted, while looking quite seriously at me, how he used to act silly just to make the girl he liked laugh (which he’s been doing recently, also). He makes an effort to be more of a gentleman when I ask him to, and a few friends have said that he seemed to be a bit tense and insulting (in a joking manner) around my other guy friends. He also gets a little annoyed when I call a guy friend named Ernest “Ernie.” (“What, so you’re calling him Ernie now?” and whenever I ask “Have you seen Ernie?” he either goes all quiet or “How should I know?”) The guy in question has also been known to ask around for me and “looks for me” at dances and other social outings; when he does find me, he often ditches his friends to stay with my group of mostly girls. When a guy extends his hands to ask for a dance, the guy in question cuts him off and says that the other is “too close for comfort,” and other ‘moves’ made by guys are likewise seen as inappropriate. Yes, he compliments me once in a while; yes, he looks abashed when I scold him for something or other (or when I get upset); yes, he did get a little touchy when I jokingly said that Pisces (me) and Gemini (him) aren’t supposed to get along. (“You’re going to believe some stupid stars and let them tell you who you should like or not like?”) Is he just being a good friend, or can there possibly be something more (does he like me in a not-so-platonic way)? And, how can I “ask” him if he likes me without actually doing any asking (i.e. not straight-forward verbally)?

Sorry about how this is a little long!

VictorM's advice:

There are enough signs to indicate that he likes you, but let me warn you: there are plenty of signs that this guy would be a nightmare of a boyfriend.

If you think it's flattering that he gets pissed at other guys, you're making a big mistake. He's giving you signs that he's going to be possessive, controlling, and will mistrust you.

I'm sure you can do better.

Submitted on Saturday, May 02, 2009
By: Winci
Age: 18
Location: Toronto
Question: Why would a guy behave so differently on msn from real life? For example, on msn, when you tell him that you are struggling on something or tell him you are sad..., he would somewhat comfort you. But in real life, he would say things like 'haha', 'you know you will fail', or many other negative things. Also, on msn, he occasionally says 'i love you' and 'i miss you' these things, but in real life, nothing of these are shown. Honestly, his words online had once caught my attention and made me hesitate whether he likes me; and even, at some point, I actually liked him.

P.S. Earlier in the year(around Jan), he said he's going to prom with me. However, now, he seems to forget about it. I was about to ask if we are actually going together as a date; but do you know, his 'real life' behaviour really frustrates me (cos i don't know why there's such a big difference of him on msn from real life). Therefore, I gave up on that idea and even planning to stop liking him. Now, I do feel like I'm the only liking him; he doesn't like me back.

So, I'm here to ask is this a guy thing to behave this way? And which side of him should I take as his 'real him' - msn or real life? What side's words and behaviour should I rely on most?

* He is not my boyfriend.

Thank you soooo much:D

VictorM's advice:

Clearly you have to go by the real life version.

How can he be with you one way on MSN and a different way in real life? Well, empathy in real life takes effort, attention, and energy. It takes commitment and real caring. On MSN, it's just text. He could actually text understanding comments to you all the while in another window he's flirting with another girl, and/or playing a video game.

This is why when I hear girls brag about their online boyfriend I roll my eyes. You have no idea what a guy is like until you're dealing face to face with him. You have done that, and this boy has failed the test. Move on!

Submitted on Saturday, May 02, 2009
By: Holly
Age: 24
Location: Chicago
Question: Hey Victor...I just need an opinion on something. I met a guy who's here on a working holiday from the UK. He asked me out and our first date lasted 5 hours. He took me to dinner for our second date and we ended up spending 10 hours together...just hanging out, a kiss at the end. Third date went well too as did the fourth. We made out a bit on the fourth but nothing major. After that I messaged him to say thanks for the nice time. He replied to me a day late (usually he was the one texting me after the date) and only said hi (weird!). Anyway, we met up again and hung out at his place. We started to make out and he started touching me inappropriately and I said no because I haven't known him long enough to do that. He didnt push the issue but I could tell he wasn't happy about it. I left his place without making any plans to see him again. I sort of knew at this point that he'd lost interest. I wanted to test him out and so i told him i was going out the next day and asked him if he wanted to come. He said sure and I told him where to meet me and asked him if such and such time was ok for him. He never got back to me.

On my way to a friends place I drove past where i'd say i'd meet him just in case he misunderstood my message, but not surprisingly he wasn't even there. He never called or messaged to apologize either. I suspected he was trying to get out of the situation and said ok but planned to never show up at all.

I knew something was wrong because after that first make out session where i wouldn't go further his behavior towards me changed.

Was this guy only seeing me hoping he'd get me in bed? Did he ever even like me as a person? I just can't believe the total disrespect that someone can show another person. Please enlighten me Victor. I feel like I did something wrong. Was he in it only for one thing and when he realized i wouldn't give it to him he bailed?

VictorM's advice:

In a situation like this, the general assumption is that he was just after sex. But it may not be that simple.

There's a good chance that he really was attracted to you during the first few days. But one thing I say on this site often enough is that guys generally don't establish roots for several weeks or even months. That is, that initial burst of interest is generally lust and the offshoots of that lust, which too many interpret as "love," or "having feelings." That is not the case. Once that rush dies down its' when we really know if that attraction continues or it simply disappears. And when it does, it usually does so very quickly.

You did nothing wrong. This is just a case where one party realized that the other person is not "the one." It is possible that his loss of interest coincided with the sexual rejection day, but it may not be related. Or, the rejection might have had something to do with it in the way that it bruised his ego, but him moving on was bound to happen anyway.

The best way to look at this is to be thankful that you didn't spend a lot of time in a relationship that was bound to go nowhere anyway. In your case, you found out soon enough and without giving up something you didn't want to.

And of course, he's now being a dick who lacks the courage to be straight with you about it.

Blaming yourself for anything is the very last thing you should do.

Submitted on Saturday, May 02, 2009
By: jello
Age: 18
Location: Singapore
Question: when a guy lets u see his dream girl on his hand phone (never shown any girl his phone before[among us, girls]), and asked u where u stay, teased me, invited me to join their dinner date, though im not close to them looks at u occasionally when u're not looking,
calls me nicknames like "lagger", sits far away but calls my nick occasionally, when i replied him, he'll say its his buddy, when a guy sat beside me, he'll stop all his teasing and stares, but he never asks me for my number and such, so does that mean he has something for me?

btw, we just got to know each other for 1 week. and we're in high school having lectures and such.

VictorM's advice:

It means that he likes getting your attention and finds you attractive, but that's not the same as saying he'd like to be your boyfriend. Lots of guys liking getting the attention of girls because it makes them feel good about themselves, not because they want to be in a relationship with them.

It's also possible that he would like to go out with you, but guys really enjoy this phase of trying to seduce a girl and will take their time getting there. And since you just met this guy, it makes a lot of sense for him to be going slow.

Just keep smiling. :)

Submitted on Friday, May 01, 2009
By: Abigail
Age: 22
Location: Manchester
Question: I met a guy on an online website about two weeks ago. We went out about 4 times during that period, all his idea and a lot of fun. Got on well.. On the final time I saw him on Sunday we kissed and he wanted more, but I asked him to stop as I didn’t want things to move too quickly. After all we'd only known each other for 2 weeks! Ever since then he has practically ignored me. I just feel so annoyed by this situation as how could someone blow so quickly from hot to cold? He was the one who was making all the moves and now I feel as if he doesn’t want to know me.

I'm trying to play him at his own game by not calling and texting, but its so hard!

I really want to know what I have done wrong! Any ideas from a guys perspective?

VictorM's advice:

You did nothing wrong. He's using the internet to meet easy women and you just didn't play along.

Why do you want to contact him? Are you under the impression that he's still the lovely guy you chatted with initially, and not the sex-only-seeking-creep he turned out to be? You'd be wrong if you think so. He's moved on to the next "friend" on his list. The fun guy is just a con, a part he plays. It's not the real him.

Submitted on Thursday, April 30, 2009
By: Grace
Age: 17
Location: NYC
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. I love him and I'm pretty sure he loves me... But he lives in my parents native country, out of the U.S. I go every summer and every December. We've been through alot together and were pretty close. His entire family loves me and he callas me every day and tells everyone I'm his wife. jeje. Do you think that though were so far apart and what we have is real love that it can get further?.. do i have some sort of future with him, even though he's far?

PS: I love him.

VictorM's advice:

Of course you could have a future with him. Sure, distance is an obstacle, but you can overcome it, as apparently you have so far.

The world is only getting smaller -- better ways to communicate and easier travel -- and you have a solid basis so far. You can make it.

Submitted on Thursday, April 30, 2009
By: brittany
Age: 15
Location: home
Question: when a guy says he doesn't care and he is being rude about another guy that i happen to like a little bit.. is he jealous by doing that or is he trying to make me mad???

VictorM's advice:

He's jealous.

Guys are very territorial. Like in the chicken world, each of us would love to be the only cock in the hen house.

Submitted on Thursday, April 30, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 24
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Question: My ex fiance and I were together for 4 years. 3 months ago he told me he wanted to go on a 6 month break while talking once a week (supposedly this was advice from a counselor). I ended up not being able to handle the situation so I took a break from the break. When I was ready to talk to him again he ignored my phone call and then I found out he was dating around. Fast forward to now he has contacted my best friend and my sister asking them how I am doing and that he wants to be my friend ( and only a friend). What does this mean? Why does he want to be my friend? He knows he broke my heart, so why the sudden interest? Any ideas? I am clueless!

VictorM's advice:

In one word: guilt. He wants to feel absolved of his past behavior. Notice that this is not being done for your purpose, like to give you closure or make you feel better; no, this is being done for selfish reasons.

I read your War and Peace submission. At 3,591 words, you now qualify for the longest submission I ever got. :) I have to say, however, that it was quite fascinating, particularly with the added cultural background differences.

You are right about my limited knowledge of the culture, but as you pointed out, men are men and what triggers some of their actions are common to all men. It's what they do after the triggers that differ from culture to culture. For example, guy #1's problem is: you wounded his ego. That would be the case no matter what culture the guy is from. It's what he did after that could differ from others.

So, let's go guy by guy:

Guy #1: As I said, bruised ego. Immediate reaction seemed to be to impose his authority and basically dismiss you, which is a way to sooth his ego by saying you're no one of consequence. In all cultures, it seems, when wounded, men often revert to the wounded little boy mode, lashing out at who they perceive to the cause of the pain, and needing to hurt that person back.

Guy #2: I think you nailed his motive (sex) at the end of your comments. After all, you are an easy American. :) The "being to busy" is the typical excuse. Yeah, I know you're in a culture when guys work hard and long hours, but when the "I'm busy" comes out of the blue when before that was never the case, you know you're in a game-playing situation. But hey, what has he got to lose? Never burn any bridges, is what most guys think, particularly when dealing with your type of stereotype.

Guy #3: Oh boy... yeah, you lived up to the stereotype. What are the odds he'll take you seriously now? None, just about. And of course, he's become busy as well. Duh! I was trying to find if his excuse for having no scar made any sense. I found this: "In March 2008, an American woman had her appendix removed via her vagina, in a medical first." And then I also found that it can be removed via the mouth, so he could be telling the truth about that.

Whoever said that you, a western raised woman, would find a husband there needs their heads examine. :)

Submitted on Wednesday, April 29, 2009
By: LOLO
Age: 26
Location: new jersey
Question: How can I get my boyfriend to want to spend more time with me?

VictorM's advice:

Make him believe you want to spend less time with him.

Submitted on Wednesday, April 29, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 24
Location: Houston
Question: Why do men watch porn only with women that are prettier than their own girlfriends? Why don't they find someone more attractive? Why would they want to be with someone less attractive then what they want? Also men say that it is the "variety" of women. Well, I'm 24 and only getting older, I doubt the man i'm with (or will be with) will start watching older women porn. Men will be masturbating to women that aren't even born yet. It's not fair, will someone please get me an answer!! Even though I probably already know the answer.

VictorM's advice:

When a man gets involved with a woman, he gets a lot more than looks, he gets to touch her, taste her, smell her, see her, talk to her, share things with her, have children with her, live with her, etc, etc. Such a woman needs to be a lot more than the prettiest girl around; she needs to be pretty special.

When a guy looks at porn, the porn model only has to look good. And since porn is not priced according to looks, we might as well look at the prettiest women. Their looks are the only thing on the menu.

So why would a guy date the girl who may not have the looks of a porn star? Because he's looking for someone special and looks are only a part of it when it comes to sharing a lifetime together as opposed to 30 minutes of lust.

Submitted on Wednesday, April 29, 2009
By: victoria
Age: 16
Location: michigan
Question: okay so here's the deal. me and my boyfriend of 6 months just broke up. he found out something that happened a while ago. i know he needs time to trust me again but i mean we all make mistakes, right? we are hanging out tomorrow and this weekend + he says he loves me. but..now whenever i text him he just says "k" or "what are you doing?" and it doesn't seem like he wants to talk on the phone anymore. but he still begs to hang out. what do i do? i love this boy with all my heart and trust me i can tell. i get butterflies when he talks to me, i melt when he hugs and kisses me and when he says i love you the whole world is better. he is 18 and i'm 16. please i need advice.

VictorM's advice:

It may take him a while to get over whatever upset him. Being cold and aloof for a while is typical male behavior. After he has the time to dwell on whatever it's bugging him, he'll either get it behind him and go back to normal, or he will stay away from you for good.

Not wanting to be on the phone doesn't mean he doesn't want to stay with you, but wanting to spend time with you doesn't mean he wants to come back. Getting over someone is often a slow process that takes a while to let go completely.

Time is a healer for a lot of things, but not for regaining trust. If what he learned was that you cheated on him, the odds you'll be together again are very slim.

Yes, we all make mistakes. And sometimes, we pay for them.

Submitted on Wednesday, April 29, 2009
By: Dani
Age: 18
Question: Hi it's me again i made a question like 3 or 4 months ago i never had boyfriend, never being kissed issues

Ok the story is there is guy at my college. He's so cute. Adorable. His body language is so funny. I wanted to talk with him but i was so shy to do it, besides i thought he was arrogant and a jerk and he would laugh at my face but he wasn't. he was so nice to me. I met him because of a friend. But the thing is i don't think he likes me back or i don't know. I don't know what to do and i don't want to scare him and being uncomfortable around him. There's another thing he's 22 and he's in senior year, so bye bye.

In my first question i told that I'm clueless about guys i don't know nothing. I don't know what to do but i don't want to just sit and wasting the best years of my life. I know that no man will come near to me and ask me out or something.

i'm pretty and a good person. The same friend who introduce me with the guy tell me all the time: "i don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend". i think i'm not the perfect girl but i'm not the worst and i deserve a good guy. I never tell this to my friends or parents i just act as if i don't care. i just can't tell this to anybody.

sorry my grammar english is not my first language

Thanks for your attention

VictorM's advice:

Part of the problem could be that you spend too much time in the future and not enough in the present. Take the 22 year old senior as an example. Instead of enjoying the present with him, and even before you know if the guy likes you, you're already worried about him going away.

Guys perceive this attitude of you looking at any guy purely as a potential mate for life, and so they stay away. That which you want is quite likely the thing preventing you from getting what you want.

As a girl, it's not that hard to get male attention: smile, be friendly, don't be too eager. When it comes to guys, if you keep your mind in the present, your future will be better off.

Submitted on Wednesday, April 29, 2009
By: Mary
Age: 25
Location: Seattle
Question: If a guy calls me Mary Smith, well, "Smith" is his last name, what does it mean?

VictorM's advice:

He's basically flirting and letting you know that he likes you. Is he serious? Probably not. He's just having fun.

Submitted on Tuesday, April 28, 2009
By: Lola
Age: 19
Location: DC
Question: There is this guy that I've been friends with since last semester. Not until second semester did we become better friends. We would text each other all the time, hang out regularly, and I know he flirted with me throughout the second semester. He would always find a reason to hate any other guy I know and always asked about the various guys that wrote on my facebook wall. We also drove around a lot to the city and went out to eat at various restaurants (he even said we have to go to this one restaurant for lunch before the semester is over). The thing is - he has a girlfriend from HS that goes to a college nearby. I know that they've dated on/off throughout high school. I finally couldn't take it anymore and sent him a message saying "So I'm sitting in class right now and I'm thinking about if you come back next year, I would like to be more than just friends. What do you think?" (He previously told me that he might not be coming back next year, but after I told him "sorry I was speechless when you told me, but I was just too shocked to say anything. If anyone was to leave, I would miss you the most". Then he told me that he actually wasn't going to be leaving because he still needs more credits) His response was "OMG! I think he [our math teacher that he previously met with] thinks we are bff" So I took this has him trying to avoid the subject and I responded with "Relax, I think I'm just getting emotional because I don't want to go back home. Everything will stay the same". Then he responded with "Did you mean to send that last text to me because it doesn't go along with our conversation" Then I said "Yes, because after the way you responded I just wanted to end this conversation". Then I didn't hear from him for a couple days and sent "I'm still here if you want to talk to me" but I still haven't heard from him. Does this mean that he really doesn't like me and I TOTALLY misinterpreted the situation? Or does it mean that he just doesn't want to break up with his girlfriend now since I'm going home for the summer and won't see him for 4 months and will break up with her after the summer? Why couldn't he just tell me "no, I just want to be friends"? I'm sooo confused!

VictorM's advice:

Two points:

1. It's great to have a girl that is fun to be with and yet, there are no commitments and no responsibilities. That's what made you so attractive. Ask for anything more and you scare him away. You did, and he did.

2. There's no point in burning any bridges, which is why he's in no rush to say he just wants to be friends.

Submitted on Tuesday, April 28, 2009
By: Lucie
Age: 27
Question: Hi! I am hoping you can give me some advice on my situation. I am an attractive and intelligent person and men are often attracted to me because of the way I look. But often I find that when they get to have a conversation with me and know me, they start to lose interest. The ones that hang around are those that just want a fling with me. I can't seem to keep a guy interested and build a connection with him. I have no idea what the problem is. I've been told, and I know for a fact, that I'm nice, smart, cheerful, articulate, witty interested in a wide range of topics. I get along quite well with my friends, colleagues, and bosses but I have noticed I have difficulty forming close relationships with people easily as I was very introverted as a child. I also suspect that perhaps I come across as too self sufficient and confident (though not obnoxiously so!) while men are subconsciously looking for girls they want to protect, not those with a strong personality. I've also been told that my intelligence appears intimidating. I just can't engage potentially nice guys and keep them thinking I might be the one for them. A male visitor to my workplace last week kept checking me out and trying to get my attention, walking in front of me, standing behind me and talking to his friend etc. He came back again the next day and continued staring at me but never approached me, possibly because I always had friends around talking to me. I know he'll be back in a couple of days to collect some things he ordered. I would love to get to know him because he has the nice kind eyes and he did seem to be interested. But I was afraid to look or smile at him in case I seemed too direct, and now I think he might lose interest. I don't know how to get to know him, or how to keep things going if we do manage to start a conversation. Could you please give me some ideas as to what men are looking for when they first meet a girl and what sort of response appeals to them?

VictorM's advice:

It's quite likely that you suffer from what we around this site call "Anna Syndrome." Read about it here.

You should smile at this guy. While a girl being too forward can scare a guy off, there's nothing wrong with providing guys with a little incentive. And a smile often does the trick.

The basic approach with a guy you like, whether you're stunning or plain average looking is the same: don't appear eager, don't be blunt about your interest, let him chase you, but provide some encouragement ( a smile, great him using his name, simple compliments, etc.)

Submitted on Monday, April 27, 2009
By: Laura
Age: 23
Location: Albany, New York
Question: So I started dating a guy who I used to see awhile back. He is quite older (ten years) than I am not sure if it makes a difference in the situation. Anyway, here it is. We recently had a conversation about girls that make him lose interest because they always want to push things to the next level. (emotion wise or make things more serious) I want to ask him where we stand because i am very confused but don't want him to get the impression i am looking for more..ultimately pushing him away. How can i bring this up?

VictorM's advice:

You can't and you shouldn't.

You know how we always say that if a guy is trying to pressure a girl into sex he should learn that no means no and that a girl should not have sex with a guy until she's ready? Well, the same applies in reverse about "knowing where we stand."

People who are dating, whether it's about sex or commitment, should move at the pace of the slowest one.

Submitted on Monday, April 27, 2009
By: K
Age: 15
Question: ok so this is kind of long:

at the beginning of the year i liked this guy (we'll call him kevin) who i had class with and he was cute and awesome. we didn't really talk that much at all, he seemed to be shy to me, but occasionally i would catch him looking over at me from his seat in class. i really liked kevin, so i would write on his wall on facebook sometimes but he had this friend who would always comment on our conversations and he (this friend) was pretty much an asshole (sorry 'bout the language). then i started getting mixed signals from kevin and i just got frustrated and gave up and moved on to the guy who i'm currently trying to get over (we'll call him jake). well this first class was a semester long, so it ended in january, but for second semester i had a different class with both kevin and jake in it. until very recently i've only had eyes for jake, but things have been wicked complicated with him and he's been a major disappointment so i've just been trying to get over him. while everything has been going on with jake, kevin's sort of come into the picture again. once this new class started at the end of january, kevin and i have become friendly. we talk a lot and he's definitely not shy. since i've been paying attention to jake so much, i haven't been flirting with kevin or seeing him in THAT way, if you know what i mean. so his recent behavior has really stood out to me.

~he remembers everything i tell him, even if it happened weeks and weeks before, and he'll work it all back into conversations we have
~he smiles a lot around me
~he never teases me, unlike the 5 other boys who i sit with (like he never joins in when they tease me) (btw i’m one of two girls at a table of 8)
~he always makes a point of walking behind me when he has to get up to get something, instead of going the short way back to his seat
~he asks me a lot of questions
~he's eager to tell me stuff about himself
~we make awesome eye contact and sometimes when we look at each other the look he gives me is WHOA
~i have a friend who has a couple core classes with him and she says he doesn’t talk to girls that much at all but we talk a ton, so i guess that means he treats me differently?

so i'm pretty much ridiculously confused. i don't think he'd ever tell me/ask me out because i don't think his friends like me very much. does he like me? is there a way i could possibly find out with minimal awkwardness? what should i do?

VictorM's advice:

Yeah, he totally likes you. How do I know? Because of this: "he's eager to tell me stuff about himself." That's as close to being sure as you can get.

If he's not shy, he'll tell you when he's ready. But guys like to take their time. They like to feel that they seduced you and often, they like the journey more than the destination. So, try to arrange ways you and him can spend time alone, but let him take the lead. Meanwhile, continue smiling and talking.

Submitted on Monday, April 27, 2009
By: Amber
Age: 26
Location: MN
Question: So I've known this guy for about 6 years and I started seeing him in February. Things were going very good until I got jealous about a comment he made to his ex about missing her. Therefore, he got mad and said we need to take a break. Well a week later I found out I was pregnant, yes this was a complete shock. When I told him he of course wasn't happy either and wanted me to have a abortion or give it up for adoption. I however don't believe in abortion and I would always wonder/worry if I gave this baby up for adoption. Anyway, his reaction hasn't changed. He doesn't seem to care about this baby or me. He already has 2 children & he is a great father to them. Well I recently found out through his family that he has been seeing a girl (which he denies completely), she is not even 21. He's not telling anybody about me or the baby. He doesn't talk to me or answer me when I try to talk to him, and if he does he only yells at me at makes me miserable. So my question is, what is going through his head and what do I do?

VictorM's advice:

What's going through his head is that he doesn't want another child and he's not going to go easy on you because you chose not to abort.

If by "what do I do?" you mean about your child, I say contact a lawyer and make sure that even if your baby won't grow up with a father, he should at least provide for him/her.

If by "what do I do?" you mean about getting back with him, I say go see a therapist, cause you need help.

Submitted on Monday, April 27, 2009
By: Bea
Age: 35
Location: Austin
Question: So, I'm a a popular, regular at a neighborhood bar, but haven't dated anyone from the bar. About a month ago I started to talking to really nice guy there, also a regular. Thing progressed and we did the deed, it was great and he wanted to stay the weekend, but I had some other stuff to do. After he left, I realized he didn't have my number and vice versa. Two days later he was at the the wedding of a couple of regulars from the bar and he was clearly dating her. I'm unsure of the timeline, but it is pretty new. My take is he was chatting us both up at the same time, but he was working me hard for that month, and perhaps we both took him up on it at the same time.

My question is why would he work so hard on winning me over after I've shot so many (much cuter, 'better' catches) down and then parade her around me like that? While she's a regular, she kind of gets around...not judging, more power to her...we're friends, this gal has cried on my shoulder over a number of guys in the past year. Honest truth, I think I might have just gotten a bit swept away with all the flattery and I'm not all that into him, but just confused.

VictorM's advice:

In one word: ego!

You shot so many guys down that being the one to seduce you would be quite a feather in his cap. He did it to satisfy his ego and for bragging rights.