Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Is he using me for right now?
Submitted on Sunday, March 29, 2009
By: ranii
Age: 36
Location: montana
Question: The guy I've been seeing for almost a year spends almost all his free time with me (weekends, several weekdays,in fact almost every day), calls when we aren't together, talks about moving in together, go to social events as a couple, is relaxed and happy seeming with me, and we can and do have serious conversations once in a while.
But, he has said he's a commitment phobe, not sure if i'm the one, and doesn't have 'those' feelings for me, but that he thinks they will develop over time. I generally let him direct the show in this way, pretty easy going and just try to keep it flirty and fun.
I'm not complaining as I'm enjoying myself but... is he using me for right now or unable to admit that he does have feelings for me? Is it trust issue on my part and just being patient is the key?
about him... I'd say he's introverted, serious and kind. Last relationship 3 yrs ago ended poorly for him. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not using you (meaning: he's not deceiving you by saying something he doesn't mean just to get whatever he wants).
No, he's not unable to confess his feelings. It sounds like he enjoys your company but you don't set his loins on fire. He probably loved the previous girlfriend deeply and he knows the difference.
There's no question that you're useful to him, much the same way he's useful to you. But it just doesn't seem like romance is in the picture. And just because that doesn't happen it doesn't mean he's using you. He's been clear about his thoughts and you still see him of your own free will.
You can stay patient if you will but a guy isn't likely to have an impetus to chance if he's getting all he wants as things stand, specially after one year. That's more than enough patience.
By: ranii
Age: 36
Location: montana
Question: The guy I've been seeing for almost a year spends almost all his free time with me (weekends, several weekdays,in fact almost every day), calls when we aren't together, talks about moving in together, go to social events as a couple, is relaxed and happy seeming with me, and we can and do have serious conversations once in a while.
But, he has said he's a commitment phobe, not sure if i'm the one, and doesn't have 'those' feelings for me, but that he thinks they will develop over time. I generally let him direct the show in this way, pretty easy going and just try to keep it flirty and fun.
I'm not complaining as I'm enjoying myself but... is he using me for right now or unable to admit that he does have feelings for me? Is it trust issue on my part and just being patient is the key?
about him... I'd say he's introverted, serious and kind. Last relationship 3 yrs ago ended poorly for him. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not using you (meaning: he's not deceiving you by saying something he doesn't mean just to get whatever he wants).
No, he's not unable to confess his feelings. It sounds like he enjoys your company but you don't set his loins on fire. He probably loved the previous girlfriend deeply and he knows the difference.
There's no question that you're useful to him, much the same way he's useful to you. But it just doesn't seem like romance is in the picture. And just because that doesn't happen it doesn't mean he's using you. He's been clear about his thoughts and you still see him of your own free will.
You can stay patient if you will but a guy isn't likely to have an impetus to chance if he's getting all he wants as things stand, specially after one year. That's more than enough patience.
Should I tell my ex that I am still in love with him?
Submitted on Saturday, March 28, 2009
By: Danielle
Age: 25
Location: Texas
Question: I am confused about whether or not I should tell my ex that I am still in love with him. We only dated for about three months, but we've been knowing each other since grade school, and I still feel that there is still something there. We basically broke up because he thought he was doing what was best for me at the time, since he was at a rough point in life and he felt like he couldn't benefit me any at the time. It's been two years since the break up, and we've remained good friends over the years, but I often wonder if we should give love a second shot? Should I say something to him? If so how should I go about all this?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should tell him. You don't need a master plan to say it to him. Just say it plain and simple: I still am in love with you and would like for us to give us another try.
Just be prepared for rejection. I wouldn't believe any of the reasons he gave you for the breakup because guys notoriously lie about that. They would do just about anything to minimize hurting the girl. But you should try because regrets are the worst thing you can carry around with you. Forever wondering "what if..." would be a lot worse than dealing with rejection.
By: Danielle
Age: 25
Location: Texas
Question: I am confused about whether or not I should tell my ex that I am still in love with him. We only dated for about three months, but we've been knowing each other since grade school, and I still feel that there is still something there. We basically broke up because he thought he was doing what was best for me at the time, since he was at a rough point in life and he felt like he couldn't benefit me any at the time. It's been two years since the break up, and we've remained good friends over the years, but I often wonder if we should give love a second shot? Should I say something to him? If so how should I go about all this?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should tell him. You don't need a master plan to say it to him. Just say it plain and simple: I still am in love with you and would like for us to give us another try.
Just be prepared for rejection. I wouldn't believe any of the reasons he gave you for the breakup because guys notoriously lie about that. They would do just about anything to minimize hurting the girl. But you should try because regrets are the worst thing you can carry around with you. Forever wondering "what if..." would be a lot worse than dealing with rejection.
Confidential to K, from USA
It doesn't matter that he's a family member, his language and actions sound mighty suspicious. Stay away or at least keep a safe distance.
I met this guy off a chatline almost two years ago
Submitted on Friday, March 27, 2009
By: Rosario
Question: I met this guy off a chatline almost two years ago. He was 30 and i was 20 at the time. We begin talking to each other every day, we were really compatible. I started to fall for him....hard. Skip a few months later and we meet. He lives in NY which is about 2 hours from me so i take the train to meet him in penn station. The time we spent was so much fun it was like we knew each other forever. Anyway we continue talking on the phone and a month later we see each other again. But a year passes and every time i ask to see him again he says no and he blames it on his panic attacks. He had a lot of problems that i won't go into detail about, but i will tell you he isn't mentally stable. A year passes and exactly one week before Valentines day we break up after he catches me " cheating" on him (I was talking to a guy on the other line well he was trying to call me). I apologize a million times and explain what happened but still he doesn't forgive me and he also calls me some names that i shall not repeat. He also tells me that i don't deserve to see him on V day, which would have been our first valetines together. Fast forward a month and he still wants to talk to me, only as friends. So we talk but he's the same old person, jealous, controlling and irrational. And when i try to date other people he brings up the fact that i cheated on him and says that i ruined our relationship. However, this one night he calls me and tells me that he's mad about something, i ask him what's wrong and he said it was over this girl whom he was dating for a short while, mind you after we broke up! Even though i didn't love him anymore that just hurt me so bad. I cried myself to sleep that night. Here he was seeing someone else two weeks after we broke up but getting on me about dating so soon. I had dedicated my time to one person for a year and a half whom i only saw twice only to be treated like crap in the end. We got into a huge argument after that and i told him that we couldn't talk anymore and this time i really meant it. Now i have a guy who i haven't met yet but wants to take me on a date. I'm really hesitate about calling him though since he also lives in NY. I just have this fear of getting hurt again. I don't have the money for a therapists which i really need right now. I just want to know what would possess a man to do this?
VictorM's advice:
In this case, you provided the answer yourself: "he isn't mentally stable." What else is there to say? You need to stay away from guys who give you that feeling. Mental instability doesn't produce logical actions. Learning to cut off from your life unstable people, or people who are downers, is something that will help you be happier.
By: Rosario
Question: I met this guy off a chatline almost two years ago. He was 30 and i was 20 at the time. We begin talking to each other every day, we were really compatible. I started to fall for him....hard. Skip a few months later and we meet. He lives in NY which is about 2 hours from me so i take the train to meet him in penn station. The time we spent was so much fun it was like we knew each other forever. Anyway we continue talking on the phone and a month later we see each other again. But a year passes and every time i ask to see him again he says no and he blames it on his panic attacks. He had a lot of problems that i won't go into detail about, but i will tell you he isn't mentally stable. A year passes and exactly one week before Valentines day we break up after he catches me " cheating" on him (I was talking to a guy on the other line well he was trying to call me). I apologize a million times and explain what happened but still he doesn't forgive me and he also calls me some names that i shall not repeat. He also tells me that i don't deserve to see him on V day, which would have been our first valetines together. Fast forward a month and he still wants to talk to me, only as friends. So we talk but he's the same old person, jealous, controlling and irrational. And when i try to date other people he brings up the fact that i cheated on him and says that i ruined our relationship. However, this one night he calls me and tells me that he's mad about something, i ask him what's wrong and he said it was over this girl whom he was dating for a short while, mind you after we broke up! Even though i didn't love him anymore that just hurt me so bad. I cried myself to sleep that night. Here he was seeing someone else two weeks after we broke up but getting on me about dating so soon. I had dedicated my time to one person for a year and a half whom i only saw twice only to be treated like crap in the end. We got into a huge argument after that and i told him that we couldn't talk anymore and this time i really meant it. Now i have a guy who i haven't met yet but wants to take me on a date. I'm really hesitate about calling him though since he also lives in NY. I just have this fear of getting hurt again. I don't have the money for a therapists which i really need right now. I just want to know what would possess a man to do this?
VictorM's advice:
In this case, you provided the answer yourself: "he isn't mentally stable." What else is there to say? You need to stay away from guys who give you that feeling. Mental instability doesn't produce logical actions. Learning to cut off from your life unstable people, or people who are downers, is something that will help you be happier.
I found myself really liking him again
Submitted on Friday, March 27, 2009
By: Lo
Age: 14
Location: Washington
Question: I've known this guy since before i even went to kindergarten, and have been good friends with him since. when we were that age we both had crushes on each other and knew it, but when i was in 2nd/3rd grade it kinda faded away...i moved away after 4th grade and came back 2 years ago and found myself really liking him again (more than i have ever liked any guy) sometimes i feel like he likes me too, especially when he cracks a lot of jokes around me, plays footsie, cuddles, or just plain teases me. But in between he seems a little more distant and really confuses me. sometimes i feel like he is trying to hide it from his parents and siblings, and also maybe his friend who we both know like me as well (but i don't like his friend) but i also feel like i'm lying to myself when i tell myself this. my friends say that i should tell him i like him or give up, but i don't know what to do. i am kind of shy about it and am really afraid that it will be very awkward for him if he doesn't actually like me the same way. I'm not even sure if he is allowed to date until he is 16...what should i do? does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
Do not listen to your friends. Don't tell him you like him.
Chances are that he likes you too, but you you may not be the only one he likes. Or, peer pressure is leading him to act cooler around you than he would like.
Being a boy around your age is not as easy as it sounds. He's still experiencing lots of personal changes, he's insecure (you're not sure if he likes and I bet he's not sure if you like him, so it's a two way street).
The best thing for you to do is to stay close to him, stay friends, and allow him to develop (girls mature much faster than boys when it comes to romance). He's probably not yet ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend gig.
By: Lo
Age: 14
Location: Washington
Question: I've known this guy since before i even went to kindergarten, and have been good friends with him since. when we were that age we both had crushes on each other and knew it, but when i was in 2nd/3rd grade it kinda faded away...i moved away after 4th grade and came back 2 years ago and found myself really liking him again (more than i have ever liked any guy) sometimes i feel like he likes me too, especially when he cracks a lot of jokes around me, plays footsie, cuddles, or just plain teases me. But in between he seems a little more distant and really confuses me. sometimes i feel like he is trying to hide it from his parents and siblings, and also maybe his friend who we both know like me as well (but i don't like his friend) but i also feel like i'm lying to myself when i tell myself this. my friends say that i should tell him i like him or give up, but i don't know what to do. i am kind of shy about it and am really afraid that it will be very awkward for him if he doesn't actually like me the same way. I'm not even sure if he is allowed to date until he is 16...what should i do? does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
Do not listen to your friends. Don't tell him you like him.
Chances are that he likes you too, but you you may not be the only one he likes. Or, peer pressure is leading him to act cooler around you than he would like.
Being a boy around your age is not as easy as it sounds. He's still experiencing lots of personal changes, he's insecure (you're not sure if he likes and I bet he's not sure if you like him, so it's a two way street).
The best thing for you to do is to stay close to him, stay friends, and allow him to develop (girls mature much faster than boys when it comes to romance). He's probably not yet ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend gig.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
He rejected me
Submitted on Friday, March 27, 2009
By: Alice
Age: 28
Location: Connecticut
Question: I just told a male friend that I really liked him, and he rejected me. We go to school with each other and have several mutual friends so I'm going to be forced to see him at least a few times a week, but I really don't want to hang out with him any more until I get over this. He wants things to be the same as always, but I really can't tolerate being flirted with by someone who clearly has no feelings for me when I feel this strongly back. Should I tell him I don't want to be friends anymore or just start avoiding him? My instinct is to tell, but apparently I have crappy instincts since I also had the feeling that he "liked" me, which has proven dead wrong. I don't want to be a jerk, but I don't want to cause anymore heedless drama either - thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
In such a situation, it's quite common for the guy to want to be around you, and flirt even more. That's because few things pump up a guy's ego like being around a girl he knows likes him more than he likes her. So expect him to want your attention.
Generally, I would advise about talking to the guy in a situation like this because any further signs that you either like him or are hurt that he doesn't like you just gives him more power over you. You're much better off avoiding him on your own terms. Besides, giving him somewhat of a cold shoulder improves the odds that he might realize he likes you. So, keeping things civil is always a better option because you don't want to burn any bridges.
By: Alice
Age: 28
Location: Connecticut
Question: I just told a male friend that I really liked him, and he rejected me. We go to school with each other and have several mutual friends so I'm going to be forced to see him at least a few times a week, but I really don't want to hang out with him any more until I get over this. He wants things to be the same as always, but I really can't tolerate being flirted with by someone who clearly has no feelings for me when I feel this strongly back. Should I tell him I don't want to be friends anymore or just start avoiding him? My instinct is to tell, but apparently I have crappy instincts since I also had the feeling that he "liked" me, which has proven dead wrong. I don't want to be a jerk, but I don't want to cause anymore heedless drama either - thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
In such a situation, it's quite common for the guy to want to be around you, and flirt even more. That's because few things pump up a guy's ego like being around a girl he knows likes him more than he likes her. So expect him to want your attention.
Generally, I would advise about talking to the guy in a situation like this because any further signs that you either like him or are hurt that he doesn't like you just gives him more power over you. You're much better off avoiding him on your own terms. Besides, giving him somewhat of a cold shoulder improves the odds that he might realize he likes you. So, keeping things civil is always a better option because you don't want to burn any bridges.
I am in Real Estate
Submitted on Friday, March 27, 2009
By: Alexis
Age: 23
Location: New York
Question: Hello. I am in Real Estate and have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. On Tuesday night I was very stressed out with picking up a new part time job and being swamped with Real Estate I just didn't know if i could handle it and I went to him to just vent. Well, normally he would listen when I vent and he would just say "Alexis, everything will work out" but this time he really got down on my Real Estate and said it wasn't working (i've only been in for over a year) and he said maybe i should make Real Estate part time and get a full time position. Which, really upset me, when I am stressed every little thing makes me cry, so I started crying and he got like " omg, I can't believe you're crying." I said, well you're upsetting me and I love Real estate and don't want to give it up. So long story short he said "fuck this, I was just talking to you about it" and then he said "i'm going to go" and now I haven't heard from him since then which was around 8pm Tuesday evening and now it's Friday.
We never don't talk about our problems or anything. Why isn't he calling me?
VictorM's advice:
When guys get upset it's not unusual for them to sulk and brood for a few days.
Guys are problem solvers, which is why so many aren't very good listeners. They tend to just want to jump in and fix things. He probably felt that he was giving you a sensible solution and you're just being stubborn about it, or something along those lines.
Give him a few days.
By: Alexis
Age: 23
Location: New York
Question: Hello. I am in Real Estate and have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. On Tuesday night I was very stressed out with picking up a new part time job and being swamped with Real Estate I just didn't know if i could handle it and I went to him to just vent. Well, normally he would listen when I vent and he would just say "Alexis, everything will work out" but this time he really got down on my Real Estate and said it wasn't working (i've only been in for over a year) and he said maybe i should make Real Estate part time and get a full time position. Which, really upset me, when I am stressed every little thing makes me cry, so I started crying and he got like " omg, I can't believe you're crying." I said, well you're upsetting me and I love Real estate and don't want to give it up. So long story short he said "fuck this, I was just talking to you about it" and then he said "i'm going to go" and now I haven't heard from him since then which was around 8pm Tuesday evening and now it's Friday.
We never don't talk about our problems or anything. Why isn't he calling me?
VictorM's advice:
When guys get upset it's not unusual for them to sulk and brood for a few days.
Guys are problem solvers, which is why so many aren't very good listeners. They tend to just want to jump in and fix things. He probably felt that he was giving you a sensible solution and you're just being stubborn about it, or something along those lines.
Give him a few days.
I like this boy who already has a girlfriend
Submitted on Thursday, March 26, 2009
By: kylie
Age: 16
Location: wasilla, AK
Question: I like this boy who already has a girlfriend but it's long distancccce... i've been crushing on him for a while now... how do i tell him??
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you should tell him about your feelings, but try to become good friends with him and hope he crushes on you. If he feels good about himself when he's around you, he might just well prefer a local girl.
Hey, can you see Russia from your window? :)
By: kylie
Age: 16
Location: wasilla, AK
Question: I like this boy who already has a girlfriend but it's long distancccce... i've been crushing on him for a while now... how do i tell him??
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you should tell him about your feelings, but try to become good friends with him and hope he crushes on you. If he feels good about himself when he's around you, he might just well prefer a local girl.
Hey, can you see Russia from your window? :)
In January told him how I felt
Submitted on Wednesday, March 25, 2009
By: K
Age: 15
Question: there’s this guy i like and i really can’t figure out what to do. i liked him for about a month and a half, and then in January told him how i felt. he said he just wanted to be friends. after that it wasn't awkward like i thought it might be. in fact, it made us a lot closer and we've become much better friends since then. it’s been about 3 months since i told him and my friends have told me to give it some time. people ask pretty often if we like each other, although very few actually know what happened between us. i really really really want to know if there's any sort of chance for the two of us, but i don't want to bring it up again for fear of really ruining something good we already have going.
i think that he sometimes likes me cuz...
~we talk on a daily basis, like he always makes sure to say hi to me in the halls, in class, wherever, at least once a day
~we text sort of often, like 3ish times a week, but the convos generally aren’t that personal
~we DO have good conversations face-to-face tho
~he flirts with me sometimes, but it’s hard to tell
~a couple days ago he and another guy walked into a class i was in. this other guy happens to like me (but i don’t like him), and he started flirting with me big time. my crush tried to get in on the convo and he was loud and interrupting
~he is much louder around me than he is with other people. it sort of seems like when i walk in a room, he lights up
i REALLY like him and just have NO clue what to do. can you help?
VictorM's advice:
Oh yeah, he likes you. But... many boys around your age simply aren't ready for a steady relationship. It could be because they're not ready to handle the sexual part and/or because he likes other girls as well (that's right, chances are he has other crushes). So, he gets to enjoy your company without giving up the freedom to fantasize about other girls, all the while not having to do stuff he may be afraid of (making out, etc.).
Just continue to be his friend but do not tell him how you feel again. Let him go at his pace. Anything could happen, you never know.
By: K
Age: 15
Question: there’s this guy i like and i really can’t figure out what to do. i liked him for about a month and a half, and then in January told him how i felt. he said he just wanted to be friends. after that it wasn't awkward like i thought it might be. in fact, it made us a lot closer and we've become much better friends since then. it’s been about 3 months since i told him and my friends have told me to give it some time. people ask pretty often if we like each other, although very few actually know what happened between us. i really really really want to know if there's any sort of chance for the two of us, but i don't want to bring it up again for fear of really ruining something good we already have going.
i think that he sometimes likes me cuz...
~we talk on a daily basis, like he always makes sure to say hi to me in the halls, in class, wherever, at least once a day
~we text sort of often, like 3ish times a week, but the convos generally aren’t that personal
~we DO have good conversations face-to-face tho
~he flirts with me sometimes, but it’s hard to tell
~a couple days ago he and another guy walked into a class i was in. this other guy happens to like me (but i don’t like him), and he started flirting with me big time. my crush tried to get in on the convo and he was loud and interrupting
~he is much louder around me than he is with other people. it sort of seems like when i walk in a room, he lights up
i REALLY like him and just have NO clue what to do. can you help?
VictorM's advice:
Oh yeah, he likes you. But... many boys around your age simply aren't ready for a steady relationship. It could be because they're not ready to handle the sexual part and/or because he likes other girls as well (that's right, chances are he has other crushes). So, he gets to enjoy your company without giving up the freedom to fantasize about other girls, all the while not having to do stuff he may be afraid of (making out, etc.).
Just continue to be his friend but do not tell him how you feel again. Let him go at his pace. Anything could happen, you never know.
He wanted to take me out on a Friday or Saturday
Submitted on Wednesday, March 25, 2009
By: mysty
Age: 36
Location: washington
Question: After going out on a great date with this guy, he texted me on my way home and told me he had a great time but that next time he wanted to take me out on a Friday or Saturday so he could keep me out longer. The next morning he texted me and said maybe he could see me before I left on work travel. I said I'd like that. He kept texting me but never mentioned getting together again. Five days later when I was on my way out of town he texted me and said he hoped I had a safe flight and he would see me when I got back. He knew I was getting back on Friday but I didn't get a text from him on Friday or during the weekend and I didn't text him. On Monday he texted me saying good morning - are you back? I told him I was going out of town again until Wednesday. He wrote that he was signing up for a lot of volunteer work, and had something on Saturday, however, he did want to see me again. He again told me he wanted it to be Friday or Saturday. I said okay see you when I get back! It is Wednesday, he knows I'm back and he just writes me I hope to see you soon and I can't wait to see you but doesn't ask me out. I'm not sure why he says he wants to see me if he doesn't ask me out. Is he waiting for me to ask him or is he not sure if he wants to really see me??
VictorM's advice:
A few comments:
-- He prefers to see you on Fridays and Saturdays -- that doesn't mean this Friday or this Saturday, or any particular Friday or Saturday. He could have other commitments already. He'll most likely call you when he's free.
-- While he may be the only guy in your life, you may not be the only girl he likes seeing on the weekend. When guys are in a dating phase, they like to date as many girls as possible. Sometimes fitting them in is a juggling act. If that's the case here, you have to wait your turn.
-- He may very well want to see you again, but "I really want to see you again" is a boiler plate statement made after dates. It's like "have a great day," "take care," "see you soon," etc. It's kind of a polite thing to say because you want to part company on a good note. It's really not a promise.
By: mysty
Age: 36
Location: washington
Question: After going out on a great date with this guy, he texted me on my way home and told me he had a great time but that next time he wanted to take me out on a Friday or Saturday so he could keep me out longer. The next morning he texted me and said maybe he could see me before I left on work travel. I said I'd like that. He kept texting me but never mentioned getting together again. Five days later when I was on my way out of town he texted me and said he hoped I had a safe flight and he would see me when I got back. He knew I was getting back on Friday but I didn't get a text from him on Friday or during the weekend and I didn't text him. On Monday he texted me saying good morning - are you back? I told him I was going out of town again until Wednesday. He wrote that he was signing up for a lot of volunteer work, and had something on Saturday, however, he did want to see me again. He again told me he wanted it to be Friday or Saturday. I said okay see you when I get back! It is Wednesday, he knows I'm back and he just writes me I hope to see you soon and I can't wait to see you but doesn't ask me out. I'm not sure why he says he wants to see me if he doesn't ask me out. Is he waiting for me to ask him or is he not sure if he wants to really see me??
VictorM's advice:
A few comments:
-- He prefers to see you on Fridays and Saturdays -- that doesn't mean this Friday or this Saturday, or any particular Friday or Saturday. He could have other commitments already. He'll most likely call you when he's free.
-- While he may be the only guy in your life, you may not be the only girl he likes seeing on the weekend. When guys are in a dating phase, they like to date as many girls as possible. Sometimes fitting them in is a juggling act. If that's the case here, you have to wait your turn.
-- He may very well want to see you again, but "I really want to see you again" is a boiler plate statement made after dates. It's like "have a great day," "take care," "see you soon," etc. It's kind of a polite thing to say because you want to part company on a good note. It's really not a promise.
Friday, March 27, 2009
He had several female friends
Submitted on Wednesday, March 25, 2009
By: Robyn
Age: 42
Location: New York
Question: I've been living with my boyfriend for over 1 year. When we first got together he had several female friends which I accepted with no problem, although I don't really like them much. He now has been adding new female associates whom he texts and calls often. I feel this behavior isn't conducive to a healthy relationship and could lead to cheating. He feels that as long as his intentions are pure it doesn't matter what theirs are. I disagree women can be slimy and devious. Do you think this is appropriate behavior during a committed relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend is full of shit when he says his intentions are pure. Come on! I wonder how many of the women he texts and emails often he considers attractive and how many he talks about personal stuff. My guess is: all of them.
I'm not suggesting that he intends to cheat, but his thoughts are not pure. Guys talk to girls because they like their egos inflated, and talking to attractive women does that.
Even the best of relationships are not easy. Introducing more reasons for tension and more distractions is never a good thing, and that's what he's doing. Even if his intentions with these other women are platonic, he's nevertheless ignoring your feelings. Trying to please himself in a way that displeases you is asking for trouble.
By: Robyn
Age: 42
Location: New York
Question: I've been living with my boyfriend for over 1 year. When we first got together he had several female friends which I accepted with no problem, although I don't really like them much. He now has been adding new female associates whom he texts and calls often. I feel this behavior isn't conducive to a healthy relationship and could lead to cheating. He feels that as long as his intentions are pure it doesn't matter what theirs are. I disagree women can be slimy and devious. Do you think this is appropriate behavior during a committed relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend is full of shit when he says his intentions are pure. Come on! I wonder how many of the women he texts and emails often he considers attractive and how many he talks about personal stuff. My guess is: all of them.
I'm not suggesting that he intends to cheat, but his thoughts are not pure. Guys talk to girls because they like their egos inflated, and talking to attractive women does that.
Even the best of relationships are not easy. Introducing more reasons for tension and more distractions is never a good thing, and that's what he's doing. Even if his intentions with these other women are platonic, he's nevertheless ignoring your feelings. Trying to please himself in a way that displeases you is asking for trouble.
He wrote me an email asking if he can come see my new house
Submitted on Tuesday, March 24, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hiii, an important update! please dont block me for asking so many questions. maybe one day i will bring you cookies to say thanks!
so if you remember this guy who called me from nowhere after a month, i did not call him or anything after we spoke, just waited to see what happens. well today, he wrote me an email asking if he can come see my new house (i told him i just moved last time we spoke). why do you think he wrote that? we were never physical with each other before! does he think i am THAT kind of girl or what?
VictorM's advice:
Cookies? What kind? :)
Sounds to me like he's just being polite. Asking if he can come see your house doesn't actually mean that he will come see your house. But if he does, I doubt that he has any ideas about what kind of girl you are. Chances are he's just trying to keep you as an active possibility in his little "black book."
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hiii, an important update! please dont block me for asking so many questions. maybe one day i will bring you cookies to say thanks!
so if you remember this guy who called me from nowhere after a month, i did not call him or anything after we spoke, just waited to see what happens. well today, he wrote me an email asking if he can come see my new house (i told him i just moved last time we spoke). why do you think he wrote that? we were never physical with each other before! does he think i am THAT kind of girl or what?
VictorM's advice:
Cookies? What kind? :)
Sounds to me like he's just being polite. Asking if he can come see your house doesn't actually mean that he will come see your house. But if he does, I doubt that he has any ideas about what kind of girl you are. Chances are he's just trying to keep you as an active possibility in his little "black book."
This guy I'm "friends" with is driving me nuts!
Submitted on Tuesday, March 24, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 33
Location: Honolulu
Question: This guy I'm "friends" with is driving me nuts! One week he'll seem like he likes me - flirting with me, doing me little favors, recommending movies or books, that sort of thing. Normal friend behaviors. The next week, he'll sort of ignore me - not completely but if we're with a group, he'll talk to everyone but me, if I email him, he won't respond. I guess I wouldn't think too much of it except that we hooked up a couple of months ago, and that's when this behavior started - before that we were very close. I'm not interested in dating him b/c he has a girlfriend and I know he regrets what happened, but why is he acting like normal one week and a total douche the next?
Oh - one other thing has changed too - he absolutely will not acknowledge it if I bring up other guys. We used to talk about my dating life all the time (I'm single), but now it's completely taboo. What gives?
VictorM's advice:
The hooking up ruined everything. You are now a constant reminder that he's a cheat and a liar. He ignores you in front of others because while he knows that about himself, he doesn't want others to suspect it. Of course, he still has some fondness for you, which shows up from time to time, but the rest of the time, he stays away.
Also, before the hooking up, you were just merely a friend, and talk of other men was ok. But now, he no longer feels that you are the same type of friends and talk of other guys now infringes on his new hands-off attitude.
By the way, just to be clear, when he avoids you he's acting normal; when he flirts with you is when he's acting like a douche.
By: Jessica
Age: 33
Location: Honolulu
Question: This guy I'm "friends" with is driving me nuts! One week he'll seem like he likes me - flirting with me, doing me little favors, recommending movies or books, that sort of thing. Normal friend behaviors. The next week, he'll sort of ignore me - not completely but if we're with a group, he'll talk to everyone but me, if I email him, he won't respond. I guess I wouldn't think too much of it except that we hooked up a couple of months ago, and that's when this behavior started - before that we were very close. I'm not interested in dating him b/c he has a girlfriend and I know he regrets what happened, but why is he acting like normal one week and a total douche the next?
Oh - one other thing has changed too - he absolutely will not acknowledge it if I bring up other guys. We used to talk about my dating life all the time (I'm single), but now it's completely taboo. What gives?
VictorM's advice:
The hooking up ruined everything. You are now a constant reminder that he's a cheat and a liar. He ignores you in front of others because while he knows that about himself, he doesn't want others to suspect it. Of course, he still has some fondness for you, which shows up from time to time, but the rest of the time, he stays away.
Also, before the hooking up, you were just merely a friend, and talk of other men was ok. But now, he no longer feels that you are the same type of friends and talk of other guys now infringes on his new hands-off attitude.
By the way, just to be clear, when he avoids you he's acting normal; when he flirts with you is when he's acting like a douche.
We flirt with each other almost every day
Submitted on Tuesday, March 24, 2009
By: alyssa morales
Age: 14
Location: fort worth
Question: Ok, so there's a boy and we flirt with each other almost every day. The thing that kinda gets to me is that the day after he does something totally sweet, like hand me his jacket when i'm cold and then the next day i'll see him with his arm around another girl or he's flirting with another girl! It's beyond annoying cuz these mixed signals are driving me insane. I know i make it obvious that i like him, so why is he doing this? My friend says i should just forget him, but i want a guy's point of view. So do you think i should move on or just see what happens? And if i need to keep him then what can i do to make something happen?
VictorM's advice:
Most boys around your age are not into the girlfriend/boyfriend thing yet. They are still in the mode of asserting themselves in their sexual awareness and they do so by flirting with lots of girls. Your guy seems to be such a boy.
The odds that he'll want to have just one girlfriend are very low. I don't know that you need to move on - after all, finding a boy around your age willing to stick with one girl is not easy -- but you may need to lower your expectations.
By: alyssa morales
Age: 14
Location: fort worth
Question: Ok, so there's a boy and we flirt with each other almost every day. The thing that kinda gets to me is that the day after he does something totally sweet, like hand me his jacket when i'm cold and then the next day i'll see him with his arm around another girl or he's flirting with another girl! It's beyond annoying cuz these mixed signals are driving me insane. I know i make it obvious that i like him, so why is he doing this? My friend says i should just forget him, but i want a guy's point of view. So do you think i should move on or just see what happens? And if i need to keep him then what can i do to make something happen?
VictorM's advice:
Most boys around your age are not into the girlfriend/boyfriend thing yet. They are still in the mode of asserting themselves in their sexual awareness and they do so by flirting with lots of girls. Your guy seems to be such a boy.
The odds that he'll want to have just one girlfriend are very low. I don't know that you need to move on - after all, finding a boy around your age willing to stick with one girl is not easy -- but you may need to lower your expectations.
Intimidating guys
Submitted on Tuesday, March 24, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hi, looks like i am starting to be your best customer. i have a new question. i see that you are telling girls that if they are too pretty, perfect, whatever, they will intimidate the guy. also, some of my guy friends told me this as well. but... i don't believe it. i mean if the girl looks like a victorias secret model maybe, but a normal, average, pretty girl? i think a lot of girls who are cute, pretty, nice, but NOT victorias secret model, are telling themselves that guys don't like them because they are too beautiful. so i am asking, how pretty do you have to be that it is intimidating to guys? and how do you tell if you are intimidating them, or if they are not talking to you for some other reason?
VictorM's advice:
I'm gonna have to start charging you pretty soon. :)
Intimidation does not come only from beauty, it might include brains, personality, income, social status, etc. But above all, you need to understand that the intimidation is not generated by the girls; it's generated by the guys. It is a guy's insecurity that dictates if and when he gets intimidated.
Rarely will a guy admit that that is the reason for him wanting to move on. And so, seldom will you be able to tell for sure if that is the reason. But little signs may be a clue. If he jokes about you making more money than he does, if he says how you must have had lots of boyfriends, or comments about so many guys wanting you, etc... these types of comments generally indicate some level of intimidation.
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hi, looks like i am starting to be your best customer. i have a new question. i see that you are telling girls that if they are too pretty, perfect, whatever, they will intimidate the guy. also, some of my guy friends told me this as well. but... i don't believe it. i mean if the girl looks like a victorias secret model maybe, but a normal, average, pretty girl? i think a lot of girls who are cute, pretty, nice, but NOT victorias secret model, are telling themselves that guys don't like them because they are too beautiful. so i am asking, how pretty do you have to be that it is intimidating to guys? and how do you tell if you are intimidating them, or if they are not talking to you for some other reason?
VictorM's advice:
I'm gonna have to start charging you pretty soon. :)
Intimidation does not come only from beauty, it might include brains, personality, income, social status, etc. But above all, you need to understand that the intimidation is not generated by the girls; it's generated by the guys. It is a guy's insecurity that dictates if and when he gets intimidated.
Rarely will a guy admit that that is the reason for him wanting to move on. And so, seldom will you be able to tell for sure if that is the reason. But little signs may be a clue. If he jokes about you making more money than he does, if he says how you must have had lots of boyfriends, or comments about so many guys wanting you, etc... these types of comments generally indicate some level of intimidation.
I am very outgoing and he can be "shy"
Submitted on Tuesday, March 24, 2009
By: HT
Age: 33
Location: PACIFIC NORTHWEST
Question: I have been dating this guy for 6 months, we talk, txt every day and see each other quite often. We usually go out and hang with mutual friend's and we are very passionate about each other when we go home. I am very outgoing and he can be "shy" for a better lack of terms, he says he doesn't like people, he can have a few beers then opens up quite a bit with me and our friends alike. Typical guy likes to play pool, always seems to keep busy.
This guy has liked me for a long time..he's known me for over 5 years and after about 6 months and me being single we finally got together and things are amazing, it's electric most of the time. We cherish each other, love to cuddle and speak to how much we admire each other.
However there are times I know we are both very nervous around each other.. he'll come over for dinner and I'm not quite sure what to do or say but I'm naturally outgoing, so I pull it off but still feel the nerves. A glass of wine goes a long way as well. But seems so weird, I can't remember being so nervous after dating someone for so long or perhaps I have forgot how to get really comfortable with someone. We are committed to each other, if we go more than 2-3 days without seeing each other we both so excited to see one another, just wondering if the uncomfortable nervousness will ever go away.
I really feel happy when I'm with Him and I know he digs me. I'm starting to feel more relaxed more often than not, does it take guys longer to feel completely comfortable, is there something I can say to make him feel more at home with me? The bedroom is never a problem no holding back there! It's just the trivial stuff, making dinner watching TV, dinners out. Making plans. Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
The true measure of how two people are comfortable with each other is how they share silence. As the more outgoing of the two, you're likely to be the one that needs adjustment. Here's why: introverts (him) do not require the energy of other people to feel comfortable; extroverts (you) do. I'm willing to bet anything that he is comfortable with moments of silence but you, who need the energy of others, are uncomfortable with it. And he picks up on your negative energy and becomes uncomfortable too.
If you simply accept that your boyfriend is completely happy with -- even welcomes -- moments of silence, you might relax about them and pretty soon both of you start actually enjoying those moments.
It is quite nice, for example, to go on a car drive, and say nothing at all for stretches at a time. Being home with some music playing, or reading the newspaper without saying a word can also be very nice.
Work on it and allow yourself to be near him without saying a word. Or have a talk with him about this and ask how he feels. Introverts love silence, so I'm sure he'll be receptive to practicing moments of silence together and learning to enjoy them.
By: HT
Age: 33
Location: PACIFIC NORTHWEST
Question: I have been dating this guy for 6 months, we talk, txt every day and see each other quite often. We usually go out and hang with mutual friend's and we are very passionate about each other when we go home. I am very outgoing and he can be "shy" for a better lack of terms, he says he doesn't like people, he can have a few beers then opens up quite a bit with me and our friends alike. Typical guy likes to play pool, always seems to keep busy.
This guy has liked me for a long time..he's known me for over 5 years and after about 6 months and me being single we finally got together and things are amazing, it's electric most of the time. We cherish each other, love to cuddle and speak to how much we admire each other.
However there are times I know we are both very nervous around each other.. he'll come over for dinner and I'm not quite sure what to do or say but I'm naturally outgoing, so I pull it off but still feel the nerves. A glass of wine goes a long way as well. But seems so weird, I can't remember being so nervous after dating someone for so long or perhaps I have forgot how to get really comfortable with someone. We are committed to each other, if we go more than 2-3 days without seeing each other we both so excited to see one another, just wondering if the uncomfortable nervousness will ever go away.
I really feel happy when I'm with Him and I know he digs me. I'm starting to feel more relaxed more often than not, does it take guys longer to feel completely comfortable, is there something I can say to make him feel more at home with me? The bedroom is never a problem no holding back there! It's just the trivial stuff, making dinner watching TV, dinners out. Making plans. Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
The true measure of how two people are comfortable with each other is how they share silence. As the more outgoing of the two, you're likely to be the one that needs adjustment. Here's why: introverts (him) do not require the energy of other people to feel comfortable; extroverts (you) do. I'm willing to bet anything that he is comfortable with moments of silence but you, who need the energy of others, are uncomfortable with it. And he picks up on your negative energy and becomes uncomfortable too.
If you simply accept that your boyfriend is completely happy with -- even welcomes -- moments of silence, you might relax about them and pretty soon both of you start actually enjoying those moments.
It is quite nice, for example, to go on a car drive, and say nothing at all for stretches at a time. Being home with some music playing, or reading the newspaper without saying a word can also be very nice.
Work on it and allow yourself to be near him without saying a word. Or have a talk with him about this and ask how he feels. Introverts love silence, so I'm sure he'll be receptive to practicing moments of silence together and learning to enjoy them.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I am scared to lose him as a friend
Submitted on Monday, March 23, 2009
By: S
Age: 25
Location: Canada
Question: I have been friends with this guy for about 4 years now. We get along really well, I have feelings for him but I haven't been able to tell him how i feel because I am scared to lose him as a friend.
We hung out all the time while he was in school and after school he moved away and whenever he came home he would text me and we would meet for coffee. We would talk on the phone and text all the time and he would call if he needed help and vice versa. Lately we haven't talked as much as we did before. Apparently he has a girlfriend but he won't tell me, and when we do talk he makes plans with me to go out four wheeling and stuff. He starts his messages off by referring to me as hun or sweety when he calls me and tells me he loves me lots. I have noticed some little flicks of jealousy when we are together and other guys are around but neither of us have said anything.
HELP i want to tell him but i am so confused with his signals.
VictorM's advice:
Two points:
1. Sounds silly to be afraid to gain a boyfriend at the risk of losing a guy with whom you have infrequent contact and aren't even close enough for him to tell you he has a girlfriend. You don't have a friendship with this guy worth keeping, frankly. The terms of endearment are more of a personal characteristic than a revelation of feelings.
2. I don't blame you for not telling him about your feelings because the evidence seems pretty clear he doesn't feel the same way about you. The signs of jealousy are just typical guy territorial protection, it has nothing to do with feelings. And the infrequent contact and the mysterious girlfriend are clues that his mind is elsewhere when it comes to girls.
By: S
Age: 25
Location: Canada
Question: I have been friends with this guy for about 4 years now. We get along really well, I have feelings for him but I haven't been able to tell him how i feel because I am scared to lose him as a friend.
We hung out all the time while he was in school and after school he moved away and whenever he came home he would text me and we would meet for coffee. We would talk on the phone and text all the time and he would call if he needed help and vice versa. Lately we haven't talked as much as we did before. Apparently he has a girlfriend but he won't tell me, and when we do talk he makes plans with me to go out four wheeling and stuff. He starts his messages off by referring to me as hun or sweety when he calls me and tells me he loves me lots. I have noticed some little flicks of jealousy when we are together and other guys are around but neither of us have said anything.
HELP i want to tell him but i am so confused with his signals.
VictorM's advice:
Two points:
1. Sounds silly to be afraid to gain a boyfriend at the risk of losing a guy with whom you have infrequent contact and aren't even close enough for him to tell you he has a girlfriend. You don't have a friendship with this guy worth keeping, frankly. The terms of endearment are more of a personal characteristic than a revelation of feelings.
2. I don't blame you for not telling him about your feelings because the evidence seems pretty clear he doesn't feel the same way about you. The signs of jealousy are just typical guy territorial protection, it has nothing to do with feelings. And the infrequent contact and the mysterious girlfriend are clues that his mind is elsewhere when it comes to girls.
Get back together
Submitted on Monday, March 23, 2009
By: K
Age: 16
Question: How can you tell if an ex wants to get back together?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to get back together.
You're exes for a reason and chances are he didn't forget.
Look forward, not back.
By: K
Age: 16
Question: How can you tell if an ex wants to get back together?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to get back together.
You're exes for a reason and chances are he didn't forget.
Look forward, not back.
How would i tell if a guy has a crush on me?
Submitted on Monday, March 23, 2009
By: Violet
Age: 17
Location: South africa
Question: How would I tell if a guy has a crush on me and why is it hard for him to tell me? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
A guy may not telling about having a crush on you for several reasons, the most common being: fear of rejection; and having a crush on several other girls.
Just because a guy has a crush on you doesn't mean he wants to get together with you. Crushes come and go and in many instances not worth the loss of freedom to have lots of other crushes.
If a guy isn't clear about his interest in you, simply assume you're just a picture for him to look at from time to time.
By: Violet
Age: 17
Location: South africa
Question: How would I tell if a guy has a crush on me and why is it hard for him to tell me? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
A guy may not telling about having a crush on you for several reasons, the most common being: fear of rejection; and having a crush on several other girls.
Just because a guy has a crush on you doesn't mean he wants to get together with you. Crushes come and go and in many instances not worth the loss of freedom to have lots of other crushes.
If a guy isn't clear about his interest in you, simply assume you're just a picture for him to look at from time to time.
My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment
Submitted on Monday, March 23, 2009
By: P
Age: 32
Location: notts
Question: My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment when we row, sometimes he can avoid me for 3 weeks. He always comes back, but I am fed up with having my life on hold after every row. What can I do ?
VictorM's advice:
Start dating women. :-p
Guys are notorious for sulking after a fight. Three weeks sounds excessive, but the behavior itself is very common among guys. The odds are that next guy isn't going to be much better.
The best thing to do when it happens is to let him sulk without paying him attention. He'll give you the silent treatment as long as he feels that he's bothering you with it. If, at the beginning of the silent treatment you allow him to sulk and just go about your life without him, going out with friends, listening to music, going shopping, having a good old time, without giving your boyfriend the attention he craves by being negative and feeding his inner child, there's a good chance that his sulking moods will decrease in duration and maybe even frequency.
By: P
Age: 32
Location: notts
Question: My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment when we row, sometimes he can avoid me for 3 weeks. He always comes back, but I am fed up with having my life on hold after every row. What can I do ?
VictorM's advice:
Start dating women. :-p
Guys are notorious for sulking after a fight. Three weeks sounds excessive, but the behavior itself is very common among guys. The odds are that next guy isn't going to be much better.
The best thing to do when it happens is to let him sulk without paying him attention. He'll give you the silent treatment as long as he feels that he's bothering you with it. If, at the beginning of the silent treatment you allow him to sulk and just go about your life without him, going out with friends, listening to music, going shopping, having a good old time, without giving your boyfriend the attention he craves by being negative and feeding his inner child, there's a good chance that his sulking moods will decrease in duration and maybe even frequency.
He never wants to sit next to me
Submitted on Sunday, March 22, 2009
By: Lynn
Age: 31
Location: Roswell, Georgia
Question: I have this guy friend who I've known for two years. We get along fine and things are good except for one weird thing. He never wants to sit next to me. It's like he's anxious about it. It happened last night when a group of us went out. There was some space by me, he looks at it and just remains standing?
He's an introvert, but not really shy. He has no problem talking with people. He's surprised me recently by actually coming over for a movie night I had with some friends, he even wrote me a thank you letter and sent it in the mail for something I gave him, and that's huge because he never does that!! He seemed particularly focused on this guy I was friends with until I told him I wasn't interested in him and now the guy will make fun of him around me.
I think this guy likes me, which I'm OK with - I just don't get the not wanting to sit next to me thing. You'd figure he'd want to? What's the deal?
VictorM's advice:
Sitting next to you he can't be looking at your face. He prefers to sit where he can see you and enjoy your beauty.
By: Lynn
Age: 31
Location: Roswell, Georgia
Question: I have this guy friend who I've known for two years. We get along fine and things are good except for one weird thing. He never wants to sit next to me. It's like he's anxious about it. It happened last night when a group of us went out. There was some space by me, he looks at it and just remains standing?
He's an introvert, but not really shy. He has no problem talking with people. He's surprised me recently by actually coming over for a movie night I had with some friends, he even wrote me a thank you letter and sent it in the mail for something I gave him, and that's huge because he never does that!! He seemed particularly focused on this guy I was friends with until I told him I wasn't interested in him and now the guy will make fun of him around me.
I think this guy likes me, which I'm OK with - I just don't get the not wanting to sit next to me thing. You'd figure he'd want to? What's the deal?
VictorM's advice:
Sitting next to you he can't be looking at your face. He prefers to sit where he can see you and enjoy your beauty.
I've had the space to reflect
Submitted on Sunday, March 22, 2009
By: Tara
Age: 25
Location: Dallas
Question: I broke up with my boyfriend almost 2 months ago.We were together for 8 months. Since we have been broken up I've had the space to reflect on what I did wrong and the relationship and I concluded that we broke up almost entirely because of me. I made a ton of mistakes!
For starters, I spent every single day with him that we were a couple. I did it because I thought that was what he wanted but I realize I never gave him any space. Another mistake was checking his phone&myspace constantly. We also fought a lot because I was always asking him to change something or I was bringing up old issues. I now see he was right when he said I was too demanding. I also nagged him a lot and was really jealous. He said I was an anger person & the only problem he had with me was that I had a problem with him.
I see that I was very insecure. I have taken steps toward change. I've began therapy & anger management. It took all this for me to realize I was a horrible girlfriend and I wanted to ask if there was any possible way I could get my boyfriend back?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if this guy would give you a second chance, but generally, the odds are against you. On the other hand, if you are successful at becoming more balanced as a result of therapy, the odds are that you'll be less attracted to him. That's because as we change ourselves, that chances who we get attracted to.
By: Tara
Age: 25
Location: Dallas
Question: I broke up with my boyfriend almost 2 months ago.We were together for 8 months. Since we have been broken up I've had the space to reflect on what I did wrong and the relationship and I concluded that we broke up almost entirely because of me. I made a ton of mistakes!
For starters, I spent every single day with him that we were a couple. I did it because I thought that was what he wanted but I realize I never gave him any space. Another mistake was checking his phone&myspace constantly. We also fought a lot because I was always asking him to change something or I was bringing up old issues. I now see he was right when he said I was too demanding. I also nagged him a lot and was really jealous. He said I was an anger person & the only problem he had with me was that I had a problem with him.
I see that I was very insecure. I have taken steps toward change. I've began therapy & anger management. It took all this for me to realize I was a horrible girlfriend and I wanted to ask if there was any possible way I could get my boyfriend back?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if this guy would give you a second chance, but generally, the odds are against you. On the other hand, if you are successful at becoming more balanced as a result of therapy, the odds are that you'll be less attracted to him. That's because as we change ourselves, that chances who we get attracted to.
After a few weeks most guys seem to stop calling
Submitted on Sunday, March 22, 2009
By: Perplexed
Age: 28
Location: Canada
Question: I have a general question about guys. I am an attractive, fun and intelligent young-ish woman (28) with a good job and a nice apartment but I seem to have a problem; no one I ever want to date seems to want to date me!
Although I don't usually have a problem getting dates I do seem to have trouble keeping them...after a few weeks most guys seem to stop calling, even if we've met each others' parents or friends or made plans. I am not a prude but I don't have sex on the first or second date either...I don't usually talk about marriage or exes or anything else taboo like that either...so what could it be? At first I was blaming their immaturity but now I am starting to think that there is something wrong with me. It's starting to really hurt as I am starting to wonder if I am ever going to find someone who doesn't run away...
VictorM's advice:
I know next to nothing about you but I'm willing to venture that there's nothing wrong with you. But the problem is that you're attractive, smart, and successful. Huh? I'll explain.
You set the bar quite high and most guys, after a while, don't feel like they measure up. I think that's quite a common problem because the more special you are, the more special your partner will have to be. And that just leaves a trail behind of many guys who simply don't can't make the cut.
The guy that will be a good match for you will be a special guy. And these guys don't grow on trees. They are scarce and hard to find. You just need to put more effort into the guys you date and aim higher -- look for self-confidence, well educated, financially stable guys. The problem isn't that you wouldn't be happy with a guy who is less successful than you; the problem is that such guys aren't going to be happy about themselves around you.
By: Perplexed
Age: 28
Location: Canada
Question: I have a general question about guys. I am an attractive, fun and intelligent young-ish woman (28) with a good job and a nice apartment but I seem to have a problem; no one I ever want to date seems to want to date me!
Although I don't usually have a problem getting dates I do seem to have trouble keeping them...after a few weeks most guys seem to stop calling, even if we've met each others' parents or friends or made plans. I am not a prude but I don't have sex on the first or second date either...I don't usually talk about marriage or exes or anything else taboo like that either...so what could it be? At first I was blaming their immaturity but now I am starting to think that there is something wrong with me. It's starting to really hurt as I am starting to wonder if I am ever going to find someone who doesn't run away...
VictorM's advice:
I know next to nothing about you but I'm willing to venture that there's nothing wrong with you. But the problem is that you're attractive, smart, and successful. Huh? I'll explain.
You set the bar quite high and most guys, after a while, don't feel like they measure up. I think that's quite a common problem because the more special you are, the more special your partner will have to be. And that just leaves a trail behind of many guys who simply don't can't make the cut.
The guy that will be a good match for you will be a special guy. And these guys don't grow on trees. They are scarce and hard to find. You just need to put more effort into the guys you date and aim higher -- look for self-confidence, well educated, financially stable guys. The problem isn't that you wouldn't be happy with a guy who is less successful than you; the problem is that such guys aren't going to be happy about themselves around you.
How do I get closure from a relationship
Submitted on Saturday, March 21, 2009
By: Christina
Age: 29
Question: How do I get closure from a relationship when a guy who says he thinks he's falling in love with me, and asks to me to be his girlfriend....then pulls away?
There are other factors that should be mentioned... he still had his ex-girlfriend calling him, I don't know if it was on his end or not. He lost his job and this other "friend" that was a girl who has confessed she liked him, but he said he didn't like her.
So after going for a couple weeks of noticing him pulling away from me, not being as affectionate...I knew that he was stressed for not getting a job, but it got to the point where I felt insecure. I just needed some re-enforcement that he wanted to be with me. He said I make him nervous, he's uncomfortable with me.. he couldn't be the boyfriend that he could for me. I asked him why he wanted me as his girlfriend if he felt this way and he responded that why wouldn't I want to be with you... I told him that well if you aren't happy when you are with me, then I have to let you go..I don't want to force you to be with me...
Since we broke up we talked some on instant message, but I have seen pictures on-line where he attended the ex-girlfriend's birthday and also hung out with the "friend". His actions haven't showed me that he cared an ounce about me. How could he be so heartless?
I guess what I request from you is your opinion of a outside perspective and a male opinion.
Thanks for your time...
VictorM's advice:
I have a hard time understanding this need for closure, so I'm not so sure I can help you there. I mean, as I see it, he was attracted to you, made an effort to see if you were a good partner (during that process there are warm feelings and kind words exchanged), but then he came to the conclusion that you weren't his match. Often there is no explanation for that. It's not that you have a tick, or body other, or talk with your mouth open. Sometimes... it just happens that one day, the guy feels no chemistry any more. Period. No good guy, no bad guy, it just goes poof. Unlike girls, we don't waste too much energy trying to change the other person, hoping to make them into the image that we have of the perfect partner. We simply move on.
By: Christina
Age: 29
Question: How do I get closure from a relationship when a guy who says he thinks he's falling in love with me, and asks to me to be his girlfriend....then pulls away?
There are other factors that should be mentioned... he still had his ex-girlfriend calling him, I don't know if it was on his end or not. He lost his job and this other "friend" that was a girl who has confessed she liked him, but he said he didn't like her.
So after going for a couple weeks of noticing him pulling away from me, not being as affectionate...I knew that he was stressed for not getting a job, but it got to the point where I felt insecure. I just needed some re-enforcement that he wanted to be with me. He said I make him nervous, he's uncomfortable with me.. he couldn't be the boyfriend that he could for me. I asked him why he wanted me as his girlfriend if he felt this way and he responded that why wouldn't I want to be with you... I told him that well if you aren't happy when you are with me, then I have to let you go..I don't want to force you to be with me...
Since we broke up we talked some on instant message, but I have seen pictures on-line where he attended the ex-girlfriend's birthday and also hung out with the "friend". His actions haven't showed me that he cared an ounce about me. How could he be so heartless?
I guess what I request from you is your opinion of a outside perspective and a male opinion.
Thanks for your time...
VictorM's advice:
I have a hard time understanding this need for closure, so I'm not so sure I can help you there. I mean, as I see it, he was attracted to you, made an effort to see if you were a good partner (during that process there are warm feelings and kind words exchanged), but then he came to the conclusion that you weren't his match. Often there is no explanation for that. It's not that you have a tick, or body other, or talk with your mouth open. Sometimes... it just happens that one day, the guy feels no chemistry any more. Period. No good guy, no bad guy, it just goes poof. Unlike girls, we don't waste too much energy trying to change the other person, hoping to make them into the image that we have of the perfect partner. We simply move on.
Monday, March 23, 2009
We broke up over a stupid disagreement last year
Submitted on Saturday, March 21, 2009
By: anna
Age: 42
Location: united kingdom
Question: I have been seeing this guy since November last year. This is second time around for us, we broke up over a stupid disagreement last year.We were never out of touch with each other for more than a few weeks at a time and eventually we got back together. This time everything was good until a few weeks ago when i started to feel that he wasn`t making any arrangements to see me although he was texting me every day, sometimes more than once daily, and telling me how beautiful and lovely i was etc. It had been 2 weeks almost since we had seen each other, and so one morning when he text me, i let him know that i would like to see him soon! He text back saying `sounds good` I basically then had to push it and ask `when then` he then said that he couldn`t manage that day or the end of the week as he was working but asked if i was available the next day? However, earlier on in the textconversation, i had already told him that i was working that day! I felt that he was maybe playing mind games with me a bit and just said that yes i was working the next day and that he already knew that, but i was available after work and that we could go for a drink at night if he liked! He replied saying `yeh sounds good` I had a feeling that he would cancel because i just felt like it had been a bit hard work to arrange and that he hadn`t been very enthusiastic. Next night i was due to finish work at 7.30pm and he text at 6pm saying he was still at work and may be a little late by time he got home and cleaned up etc. I went home, got ready, and at 9.20pm he text to say sorry, could we make it another time as it would be way to late by time he got to my house as he was just in from work, hadn`t realised the time! I was furious, but just text back saying that working late not a problem, but it was looking to me that he was simply not interested in me, and if he was, then maybe he should start to make some effort as i felt i was doing all the work! I got no reply to that text, and never heard anything from him for the next 3 days. As i was used to hearing from him every day, i took it that i had been correct in my thoughts and the relationship was finished! I didn`t contact him again even though i was hurt. He then text me on the 4th day asking had i calmed down yet!? Actually, i found that quite funny, i just said that i might have done! He then text back saying that was good, he hadn`t fancied a text argument! I replied saying that i hadn`t fancied that either! He contacted me three times that week, not to make any arrangements to see me, just chatting etc. I replied and was friendly enough, but i didn`t initiate any contact with him. Then i never heard from him for about 4 days, i then contacted him 2 or 3 times that week, the first text i sent i let him know that i was missing him and he replied asking questions etc basically keping the contact going and the same to the other 2 texts i sent. Still not asking to see me though. I then stopped initiating any contact to see what he would do, and he contacted me on the Sunday night asking had i been out on the Saturday night. I had been out and told him this and when i asked if he`d been out he replied that he hadn`t, he had been too busy recovering from the friday night. As the texting went on he was basically letting me know what a great night he`d had on the friday and how hungover he`d been for 2 days! I haven`t initiated any contact this week, but he`s still texting me! And still not making any attempt to ask to see me so i again can only take it that the relationship is over! What i don`t get is if he doesn`t want to go out with me, then why keep texting me? Just for company? or is he playing games with me? He`s 42yrs old, never been married and never had kids!
VictorM's advice:
He continues to text you even though he has no desire to see you for 2 reasons: 1) he loves the attention of a woman who likes him more than he likes her; it feeds his ego and makes him feel good about himself. 2) Guys like maintaining attractive women in their proverbial "little black book," just in case, on some rainy night, you two wind up together. Really, what's the point of burning abride bridge with a woman like you?
Is there any meaningful reason for keeping contact with you? No.
By: anna
Age: 42
Location: united kingdom
Question: I have been seeing this guy since November last year. This is second time around for us, we broke up over a stupid disagreement last year.We were never out of touch with each other for more than a few weeks at a time and eventually we got back together. This time everything was good until a few weeks ago when i started to feel that he wasn`t making any arrangements to see me although he was texting me every day, sometimes more than once daily, and telling me how beautiful and lovely i was etc. It had been 2 weeks almost since we had seen each other, and so one morning when he text me, i let him know that i would like to see him soon! He text back saying `sounds good` I basically then had to push it and ask `when then` he then said that he couldn`t manage that day or the end of the week as he was working but asked if i was available the next day? However, earlier on in the textconversation, i had already told him that i was working that day! I felt that he was maybe playing mind games with me a bit and just said that yes i was working the next day and that he already knew that, but i was available after work and that we could go for a drink at night if he liked! He replied saying `yeh sounds good` I had a feeling that he would cancel because i just felt like it had been a bit hard work to arrange and that he hadn`t been very enthusiastic. Next night i was due to finish work at 7.30pm and he text at 6pm saying he was still at work and may be a little late by time he got home and cleaned up etc. I went home, got ready, and at 9.20pm he text to say sorry, could we make it another time as it would be way to late by time he got to my house as he was just in from work, hadn`t realised the time! I was furious, but just text back saying that working late not a problem, but it was looking to me that he was simply not interested in me, and if he was, then maybe he should start to make some effort as i felt i was doing all the work! I got no reply to that text, and never heard anything from him for the next 3 days. As i was used to hearing from him every day, i took it that i had been correct in my thoughts and the relationship was finished! I didn`t contact him again even though i was hurt. He then text me on the 4th day asking had i calmed down yet!? Actually, i found that quite funny, i just said that i might have done! He then text back saying that was good, he hadn`t fancied a text argument! I replied saying that i hadn`t fancied that either! He contacted me three times that week, not to make any arrangements to see me, just chatting etc. I replied and was friendly enough, but i didn`t initiate any contact with him. Then i never heard from him for about 4 days, i then contacted him 2 or 3 times that week, the first text i sent i let him know that i was missing him and he replied asking questions etc basically keping the contact going and the same to the other 2 texts i sent. Still not asking to see me though. I then stopped initiating any contact to see what he would do, and he contacted me on the Sunday night asking had i been out on the Saturday night. I had been out and told him this and when i asked if he`d been out he replied that he hadn`t, he had been too busy recovering from the friday night. As the texting went on he was basically letting me know what a great night he`d had on the friday and how hungover he`d been for 2 days! I haven`t initiated any contact this week, but he`s still texting me! And still not making any attempt to ask to see me so i again can only take it that the relationship is over! What i don`t get is if he doesn`t want to go out with me, then why keep texting me? Just for company? or is he playing games with me? He`s 42yrs old, never been married and never had kids!
VictorM's advice:
He continues to text you even though he has no desire to see you for 2 reasons: 1) he loves the attention of a woman who likes him more than he likes her; it feeds his ego and makes him feel good about himself. 2) Guys like maintaining attractive women in their proverbial "little black book," just in case, on some rainy night, you two wind up together. Really, what's the point of burning a
Is there any meaningful reason for keeping contact with you? No.
My friend is trying to put us together
Submitted on Friday, March 20, 2009
By: allison reed
Age: 14
Location: ATL
Question: k, there is this guy in my SS class. i like him, but i don't knw if he likes me. my friend is trying to put us together. if my friend tells him to sit next tome orstand next to me, he won't do it. but if she doesn't say anything he will do it. he sometimes looks at me and we talk like buddies. i have known him since like 5 gtade. i c him everyday @ skool and on wednesday and sunday at chruch!! shuld i tell himthat i like him, or keep it a secret??? thanx, :0
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him you like him, that would be a mistake. But do tell your friend to keep her ass out of this situation. Friends usually just spoil everything, even if they mean well.
Just allow the friendship between you and him to grow, and if you can, try to spend time alone with him, like maybe ask him to help you with homework, like, oh, I'm just taking a wild guess, for your English class.
By: allison reed
Age: 14
Location: ATL
Question: k, there is this guy in my SS class. i like him, but i don't knw if he likes me. my friend is trying to put us together. if my friend tells him to sit next tome orstand next to me, he won't do it. but if she doesn't say anything he will do it. he sometimes looks at me and we talk like buddies. i have known him since like 5 gtade. i c him everyday @ skool and on wednesday and sunday at chruch!! shuld i tell himthat i like him, or keep it a secret??? thanx, :0
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him you like him, that would be a mistake. But do tell your friend to keep her ass out of this situation. Friends usually just spoil everything, even if they mean well.
Just allow the friendship between you and him to grow, and if you can, try to spend time alone with him, like maybe ask him to help you with homework, like, oh, I'm just taking a wild guess, for your English class.
I work at a grocery store with a really cute guy
Submitted on Friday, March 20, 2009
By: sabine
Age: 22
Location: North Carolina
Question: I work at a grocery store with a really cute guy. He is always talking to me, flirting, making eye contact, staring, etc. Yes, I have read your advice and I know that means nothing. However, he does a lot of things to get my attention, like if I walk by he does something to funny to get my attention or he'll show off. Even if there are other people around sometimes he'll quit talking to them to sing a song, or make a face or something like that. Also, I saw him at a concert and he bought me a cd of the band we were seeing. Well, the problem with all this is I asked him to go get a drink about three months ago, and he said he'd call me but never did. No big deal, I can move on from that and accept he's not into me. He talked to me much less for about a month and I did the same. We didn't avoid each other but we would only say hi or good morning, just the pleasantries. After all that, about two months ago, he starts up all the flirting and everything again, now it is only worse. Now he is coming into my dept at work to talk to me and my other co-workers are starting to take notice and keep telling me he has a crush on me. I don't know what to do because I had totally settled that he didn't like me. Is it possible he thought about it, or had a girlfriend before or something and is now interested?
VictorM's advice:
No. You're a work distraction, someone that makes the dullness of working in a grocery store tolerable. I doubt he's gotten more interested in you since; I'm more willing to believe he's just gotten more bored working there. Plus... he knows you like him, so he goes to visit you for a little ego boost.
Don't believe me? Give him you number and ask him to call you to go for drinks.
By: sabine
Age: 22
Location: North Carolina
Question: I work at a grocery store with a really cute guy. He is always talking to me, flirting, making eye contact, staring, etc. Yes, I have read your advice and I know that means nothing. However, he does a lot of things to get my attention, like if I walk by he does something to funny to get my attention or he'll show off. Even if there are other people around sometimes he'll quit talking to them to sing a song, or make a face or something like that. Also, I saw him at a concert and he bought me a cd of the band we were seeing. Well, the problem with all this is I asked him to go get a drink about three months ago, and he said he'd call me but never did. No big deal, I can move on from that and accept he's not into me. He talked to me much less for about a month and I did the same. We didn't avoid each other but we would only say hi or good morning, just the pleasantries. After all that, about two months ago, he starts up all the flirting and everything again, now it is only worse. Now he is coming into my dept at work to talk to me and my other co-workers are starting to take notice and keep telling me he has a crush on me. I don't know what to do because I had totally settled that he didn't like me. Is it possible he thought about it, or had a girlfriend before or something and is now interested?
VictorM's advice:
No. You're a work distraction, someone that makes the dullness of working in a grocery store tolerable. I doubt he's gotten more interested in you since; I'm more willing to believe he's just gotten more bored working there. Plus... he knows you like him, so he goes to visit you for a little ego boost.
Don't believe me? Give him you number and ask him to call you to go for drinks.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
We ended up making out in a closet
Submitted on Friday, March 20, 2009
By: Perplexed
Age: 28
Location: Canada
Question: Hi real guy I hope you can help me as you have given me great advice in the past.
I recently ran into an ex-boyfriend at a local live music venue (he plays in a local band) and felt like we had a real rekindling. After talking for a little while after the show he bent over and kissed me in front of many mutual friends and we ended up making out in a closet (poor judgment, I know) where he took my phone number and promised to call. I left him there thinking it had gone far enough for one night and went back to my friends who teased me relentlessly.
However, now it has been almost a week and no call. I always thought of him as the one that got away, as I was 21 and he was 27 when we first dated (7 years ago) and I broke it off because I wasn't ready to be as serious as it seemed he wanted. I immediately regretted it but about two weeks later, when I had tried to call him back, he met me for dinner and informed me that he was seeing someone else, whom he ended up marrying but from whom he is now divorced. He has always communicated with me on a very platonic and occasional basis (which he admits sometimes caused problems in his marriage) and was never one to disappear, so I am really baffled by his behaviour. I know he has just bought a new house on his own. Was I just used?
VictorM's advice:
No, you weren't used. You went along to the closet because you chose to, and if you have been contemplating any possible relationship based on one spontaneous make out session, you have been living in a fantasy world of your own free will.
By: Perplexed
Age: 28
Location: Canada
Question: Hi real guy I hope you can help me as you have given me great advice in the past.
I recently ran into an ex-boyfriend at a local live music venue (he plays in a local band) and felt like we had a real rekindling. After talking for a little while after the show he bent over and kissed me in front of many mutual friends and we ended up making out in a closet (poor judgment, I know) where he took my phone number and promised to call. I left him there thinking it had gone far enough for one night and went back to my friends who teased me relentlessly.
However, now it has been almost a week and no call. I always thought of him as the one that got away, as I was 21 and he was 27 when we first dated (7 years ago) and I broke it off because I wasn't ready to be as serious as it seemed he wanted. I immediately regretted it but about two weeks later, when I had tried to call him back, he met me for dinner and informed me that he was seeing someone else, whom he ended up marrying but from whom he is now divorced. He has always communicated with me on a very platonic and occasional basis (which he admits sometimes caused problems in his marriage) and was never one to disappear, so I am really baffled by his behaviour. I know he has just bought a new house on his own. Was I just used?
VictorM's advice:
No, you weren't used. You went along to the closet because you chose to, and if you have been contemplating any possible relationship based on one spontaneous make out session, you have been living in a fantasy world of your own free will.
The gone with the wind question
Submitted on Friday, March 20, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hi, i am ellie, the girl who asked you the gone with the wind question. so the guy texted me to see how i am doing (it had been one month) and we talked back and forth and he said it had been a long time since he had seen me and that we should see each other soon. that was a few days ago. i asked another "real guy", my friend, for his opinion, and he said that this guy misses me and is not over me. he said i should call him and ask him to do something. is that true? or do you think he was just bored and i should just wait and see if he contacts me? remember, i asked him to do something twice - once he was out of town and once he said he was too tired.
VictorM's advice:
The other "real guy" is an impostor. :-p
Contacting you has nothing at all to do with him missing you. He was just touching based.
You should call him and ask him to do something as long as you're not afraid of rejection. He might even say yes, but that doesn't mean he has the slightest romantic interest.
By: ellie
Age: 25
Question: hi, i am ellie, the girl who asked you the gone with the wind question. so the guy texted me to see how i am doing (it had been one month) and we talked back and forth and he said it had been a long time since he had seen me and that we should see each other soon. that was a few days ago. i asked another "real guy", my friend, for his opinion, and he said that this guy misses me and is not over me. he said i should call him and ask him to do something. is that true? or do you think he was just bored and i should just wait and see if he contacts me? remember, i asked him to do something twice - once he was out of town and once he said he was too tired.
VictorM's advice:
The other "real guy" is an impostor. :-p
Contacting you has nothing at all to do with him missing you. He was just touching based.
You should call him and ask him to do something as long as you're not afraid of rejection. He might even say yes, but that doesn't mean he has the slightest romantic interest.
They have now been long-distance for three years
Submitted on Friday, March 20, 2009
By: Kay
Age: 28
Location: houston
Question: I'm actually writing on behalf of a friend (well, really to figure out what I should tell her), but here's her story.
"Jill" met her boyfriend "Kevin" 8 years ago in college. He has always been very sweet to her and, though they've had a few rough patches, they are still together, and I know they have talked about marriage. The thing is, they have now been long-distance for three years, and Kevin has neither proposed nor moved to be with Jill. At this point, they only see each other about twice a year (they are both somewhat poor so traveling more often is not an option). Lately, Jill has become more and more desperate to get married, but Kevin always seems to have an excuse - it's too expensive, he's thinking about going back to school, etc. I've only met Kevin twice, but from what I could see, he really does love her so I hate to tell her to move on, but at the same time, I get these phone calls from her where she's crying out of frustration with the situation.
Is there any chance this is going to work out?
VictorM's advice:
I can't say if it's going to work out but I can say that the longer they live apart, the less likely it will that they will make it work out. In fact, it already appears he's finding all kinds of excuses for it not to work out.
Since he's not the one who is desperate with the situation, has she considered moving to where he is?
By: Kay
Age: 28
Location: houston
Question: I'm actually writing on behalf of a friend (well, really to figure out what I should tell her), but here's her story.
"Jill" met her boyfriend "Kevin" 8 years ago in college. He has always been very sweet to her and, though they've had a few rough patches, they are still together, and I know they have talked about marriage. The thing is, they have now been long-distance for three years, and Kevin has neither proposed nor moved to be with Jill. At this point, they only see each other about twice a year (they are both somewhat poor so traveling more often is not an option). Lately, Jill has become more and more desperate to get married, but Kevin always seems to have an excuse - it's too expensive, he's thinking about going back to school, etc. I've only met Kevin twice, but from what I could see, he really does love her so I hate to tell her to move on, but at the same time, I get these phone calls from her where she's crying out of frustration with the situation.
Is there any chance this is going to work out?
VictorM's advice:
I can't say if it's going to work out but I can say that the longer they live apart, the less likely it will that they will make it work out. In fact, it already appears he's finding all kinds of excuses for it not to work out.
Since he's not the one who is desperate with the situation, has she considered moving to where he is?
I'm seeing him in May
Submitted on Thursday, March 19, 2009
By: M
Age: 25
Location: Upstate NY
Question: I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy in Virginia for 4 months. I have gone to see him, and he has indicated that he wants to come visit me in NY and because of his job has trouble making plans as he only gets his schedule one week in advance. We have spent a lot of time on the phone and on the internet talking to each other, usually 1+ hours a night/day. I've indicated that I want him to come visit and have told him so a few times. I'm seeing him in May, but want to see him before that. My question is why won't he come visit me?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he gave you the answer: "because of his job has trouble making plans as he only gets his schedule one week in advance."
Sounds like you either don't believe him (meaning, you think he's not trying hard enough) or you don't care if he loses his job. Either one of the two is a bad omen for how this relationship is going to turn out.
By: M
Age: 25
Location: Upstate NY
Question: I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy in Virginia for 4 months. I have gone to see him, and he has indicated that he wants to come visit me in NY and because of his job has trouble making plans as he only gets his schedule one week in advance. We have spent a lot of time on the phone and on the internet talking to each other, usually 1+ hours a night/day. I've indicated that I want him to come visit and have told him so a few times. I'm seeing him in May, but want to see him before that. My question is why won't he come visit me?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he gave you the answer: "because of his job has trouble making plans as he only gets his schedule one week in advance."
Sounds like you either don't believe him (meaning, you think he's not trying hard enough) or you don't care if he loses his job. Either one of the two is a bad omen for how this relationship is going to turn out.
We live more than 600 miles apart
Submitted on Thursday, March 19, 2009
By: Carole
Age: 50
Location: North Carolina
Question: I have a really weird situation... I reconnected with a high school friend after 25 years last year. He is divorced, and since then I have become separated (not because of him). We live more than 600 miles apart. We have carried on an email/text friendship for over a year. We saw each other four times last year. At first we didn't touch, but "chemistry" was there and much fun and laughter and hours of talking and catching up. The last three times we saw each other, we hugged briefly when we parted... again amazing sharing and fun. Even through our email and text communications, there is always a hint of sexuality and fun. Last Christmas things escalated, then we started "chatting" dirty to each other by text and sending each other sexy pictures, and sometimes even calling to get each other off. That went on for a couple of months.(We are both USUALLY really reserved in public, but not with each other!!). After a few times with of sending sexy pictures, I felt that maybe we "shouldn't be doing this" since it might damage things in the future if we were to ever pursue any kind of future relationship. He said OK and we cooled it for a little while, then started up again for a couple of weeks. Then, it seems all of a sudden, he hasn't been as "there" and our conversations have moved from sexy fun to back to just friendly topics... We still "talk" but it seems things have changed. Although sometimes, he will asked if I am divorced yet and/or how things are going. We have always had an amazing connection with each other, although we were never romantic in our past, even though I ALWAYS wanted to be... We have a lot in common and like so many of the same things/activities... and we both want to have fun and enjoy life... I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up too much since I don't want to be heart-broken... but it's hard, cause I want to be with him in every way someday... Do you think I have a chance of being more than friends with him once I am "free" or is he just using me? I know my situation is sticky if he is interested because I am still "technically" married for a few more months, and I believe he has enough integrity to not push for an affair... even though... I realize what we have been doing is an "affair" in a sense... long distance... Thanks for any advice you can give... it's great to get a man's perspective!
VictorM's advice:
Everything is possible, of course, but a few things to keep in mind:
-- Guys don't do the distance thing too well. We're physical beings who like to touch and be close. Long distance after a while loses its appeal. That could be what's been happening recently.
-- Online (IM, email, text) gives guys, who by nature seek quantity, a chance to be charming and sexy with many women at once. It's too easy to sit at your computer, when you're in the mood, and be attentive the way you describe. It's a completely different beast when it's in person, and exclusive.
-- I don't believe the pullback has anything to do with integrity -- come on, the longer you're separated, the more fair game you become, not less. It's quite possible that he doesn't find your relationship as amazing as you do. At least not anymore, not from a distance.
By: Carole
Age: 50
Location: North Carolina
Question: I have a really weird situation... I reconnected with a high school friend after 25 years last year. He is divorced, and since then I have become separated (not because of him). We live more than 600 miles apart. We have carried on an email/text friendship for over a year. We saw each other four times last year. At first we didn't touch, but "chemistry" was there and much fun and laughter and hours of talking and catching up. The last three times we saw each other, we hugged briefly when we parted... again amazing sharing and fun. Even through our email and text communications, there is always a hint of sexuality and fun. Last Christmas things escalated, then we started "chatting" dirty to each other by text and sending each other sexy pictures, and sometimes even calling to get each other off. That went on for a couple of months.(We are both USUALLY really reserved in public, but not with each other!!). After a few times with of sending sexy pictures, I felt that maybe we "shouldn't be doing this" since it might damage things in the future if we were to ever pursue any kind of future relationship. He said OK and we cooled it for a little while, then started up again for a couple of weeks. Then, it seems all of a sudden, he hasn't been as "there" and our conversations have moved from sexy fun to back to just friendly topics... We still "talk" but it seems things have changed. Although sometimes, he will asked if I am divorced yet and/or how things are going. We have always had an amazing connection with each other, although we were never romantic in our past, even though I ALWAYS wanted to be... We have a lot in common and like so many of the same things/activities... and we both want to have fun and enjoy life... I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up too much since I don't want to be heart-broken... but it's hard, cause I want to be with him in every way someday... Do you think I have a chance of being more than friends with him once I am "free" or is he just using me? I know my situation is sticky if he is interested because I am still "technically" married for a few more months, and I believe he has enough integrity to not push for an affair... even though... I realize what we have been doing is an "affair" in a sense... long distance... Thanks for any advice you can give... it's great to get a man's perspective!
VictorM's advice:
Everything is possible, of course, but a few things to keep in mind:
-- Guys don't do the distance thing too well. We're physical beings who like to touch and be close. Long distance after a while loses its appeal. That could be what's been happening recently.
-- Online (IM, email, text) gives guys, who by nature seek quantity, a chance to be charming and sexy with many women at once. It's too easy to sit at your computer, when you're in the mood, and be attentive the way you describe. It's a completely different beast when it's in person, and exclusive.
-- I don't believe the pullback has anything to do with integrity -- come on, the longer you're separated, the more fair game you become, not less. It's quite possible that he doesn't find your relationship as amazing as you do. At least not anymore, not from a distance.
Putting his hands on me
Submitted on Thursday, March 19, 2009
By: babyboo
Age: 15
Location: ogdensburg
Question: my boyfriend has a problem with me trying to stop him from doing drugs and it's only because i care. so sometimes we fight about it and he tends to take as far as him putting his hands on me. i don't know if i should stay in this relationship because every other day i have to worry about being beat up or being screamed at over nothing. what should i do? help me....
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend's temper is a personal trait that has nothing to do with him doing drugs. Chances are that as he ages, things are only going to get worse.
You say you try to stop him from doing drugs because you care, but don't you care about yourself? If you don't have the strength to walk away from an abusive and self-destructive boyfriend, than you should understand why he doesn't give up drugs. In fact, I'd say you're weaker than he is.
Care about yourself and leave him. Now!
By: babyboo
Age: 15
Location: ogdensburg
Question: my boyfriend has a problem with me trying to stop him from doing drugs and it's only because i care. so sometimes we fight about it and he tends to take as far as him putting his hands on me. i don't know if i should stay in this relationship because every other day i have to worry about being beat up or being screamed at over nothing. what should i do? help me....
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend's temper is a personal trait that has nothing to do with him doing drugs. Chances are that as he ages, things are only going to get worse.
You say you try to stop him from doing drugs because you care, but don't you care about yourself? If you don't have the strength to walk away from an abusive and self-destructive boyfriend, than you should understand why he doesn't give up drugs. In fact, I'd say you're weaker than he is.
Care about yourself and leave him. Now!
He likes to yell at me
Submitted on Thursday, March 19, 2009
By: destiny
Age: 15
Location: ogdensburg
Question: well my boyfriend when he's hanging at friends house he likes to yell at me when i go to ask him a question and when other girls come around he ignores me and pretends to act all cool in front of them. what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means your boyfriend is a jerk and it's time for a new one.
Allowing a boy to treat you like that will only invite more of that treatment.
Let's be clear that it's not your fault he's like that, but you don't have to put up with him.
By: destiny
Age: 15
Location: ogdensburg
Question: well my boyfriend when he's hanging at friends house he likes to yell at me when i go to ask him a question and when other girls come around he ignores me and pretends to act all cool in front of them. what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means your boyfriend is a jerk and it's time for a new one.
Allowing a boy to treat you like that will only invite more of that treatment.
Let's be clear that it's not your fault he's like that, but you don't have to put up with him.
Three different guy friendships right now
Submitted on Tuesday, March 17, 2009
By: Amber
Age: 19
Question: I have three different guy friendships right now, and I really don't know what any of them are thinking. I've got my ex who after ending our relationship and communication for a while, has decided he wants to be friends again. I've got a guy friend who I chat with and has said he likes me and wants to spend more time together, but still hasn't done anything about it. And finally the sort-of friend who want to spend more time with me just to have someone around.
Is there such thing as a guy who just wants to be friends? Is there any way of knowing what they are really thinking of our friendship?
VictorM's advice:
No. Unless they are gay, friendship is not what any of them is after.
By: Amber
Age: 19
Question: I have three different guy friendships right now, and I really don't know what any of them are thinking. I've got my ex who after ending our relationship and communication for a while, has decided he wants to be friends again. I've got a guy friend who I chat with and has said he likes me and wants to spend more time together, but still hasn't done anything about it. And finally the sort-of friend who want to spend more time with me just to have someone around.
Is there such thing as a guy who just wants to be friends? Is there any way of knowing what they are really thinking of our friendship?
VictorM's advice:
No. Unless they are gay, friendship is not what any of them is after.
Something out of a love story
Submitted on Tuesday, March 17, 2009
By: caligirl
Age: 22
Location: kc mo
Question: okay so me and this guys went from best friends.. to falling for each other. When we told each other both how we felt.. things were great! it felt like something out of a love story. Then about 2 months after we started dating things became weird. he started putting up a wall .. and freaking out. I thought things were truly awesome. we never fought.. always had a blast.. amazing sex.. and and great conversations. he told me he wasn't ready for anything serious and that's where he saw us heading so he wanted us to just go back to being friends without the whole sex thing. so we did that.
during this time we knew we both still felt something for each other.. but i started to distance myself... not always calling him.. not texting him all the time.. and not trying to make plans with him.. just living my life and hanging with my girl friends... well.. i was looking for new furniture one day and he had told me his dad could help me pick it up in his truck and i could store it at his dad's house. so he came with me one day to look for furniture. when we were shopping he mentioned to me that he missed hangin out with me .. and he wanted to hang out with me more. i told him he doesn't ask me .. so when he does i will. he said i always ask what youre doing and you constantly have plans. i told him .. did you ask me what i am doing .. or if i wanted to hang out with you. so then we made plans to play games and hang out one night. this night turned into a very early 3am and he offered to let me stay over. i did .. because i had wayy too much to drink to drive and he cuddled me all night..(HIS MOVE..IM NOT MUCH OF A CUDDLER).
he starts opening up telling me how much he has truly missed me and how he isn't dating and hasn't dated anyone else (which i know is a fact because all he does is sit at home and work and sleep) (proven point by the way) he gave me this information because he knew i was worried about him seeing other people and just giving me a load of shit. So as he was telling me all this stuff.. i can feel my guard start to go up and i just let him talk and sorta say quick things like ya. i hear ya. I understand. and then he invites me over for the next few times. spaced in between.
Well we eventually have sex again.. and again and the next time we hang out.. then we go out for valentines day. and the next day .. things are weird again. I finally let it all out ..making myself vulnerable... and basically saying you know we can't be having sex like this and cuddling and stuff unless you are wanting what i want. and i said if that's not what your wanting with me now or soon .. then i think we should stop talking for a while all together. so i didn't call or text him for 5 days. he text me the next day after we had a long conversation about how i was feeling and how he wasn't ready for a relationship right now.. and yadda yadda. i didnt answer his text..
5 days later i was sick where i needed to be taken to the er and i called him to see if he could take me. he came and took me and i felt i was ready to just be his friend now. he expressed to me how upset he was that i didn't text him back and that he thought i was just using him when i needed him.. because i don't call or text for so long and then i text him when i am ill and need to be taken to er. basically we talked that over .. and have been great friends since then.
well i am in the midst of getting a new apartment and needed a place to stay. he offered me his home and told me i won't have to pay rent to him just buy his favorite soda every once in a while. so i said deal. i have been living with him.. he lets me sleep in his bed..rubs my feet.. (complains that i am not a very touchy person rubbing wise and apparently not a very kissy person) and yes we have again been having sex.
I am soo lost as to what to do in this situation.. i am trying to tell myself.. were just friends...(were both nymphs which explains the sex) but we also have such a fun time.. being stupid with each other.. pinching.. hitting .. (playfully) biting.. saying mean things (playfully) things like that. My problem is .. i know he has had long relationships that ended really badly for him.. almost like he was hurt like me as a woman would have been .. and his dad proactively offered me information without me snooping and asking he told me not to get attached to his son because he is not ready for anything right now.
so when you know that someone likes you and you like him .. and things were awesome .. and still are on a friendship level.. and this guy has not once been caught in a lie with me .. not even a year and a half ago when we were just friends... no emotional attachment.. then how can i get him to put this guard down and trust me.. and just go with it. it's really hard because usually i am the one with the guard up and now it's the guy..?? help!?!?!
VictorM's advice:
His guard is not up -- he's just acting like a typical guy.
Look, he's getting everything the way he wants it: sex, companionship, friendship, and no commitment. His life is pretty good right now. And until and unless he finds a girl that he can be passionate about, you'll do. That's right, you have friendship and are comfortable with each other, but you don't set his soul on fire.
What he's putting up is not a wall; it's the recognition that you're not the one, just the one for right now.
By: caligirl
Age: 22
Location: kc mo
Question: okay so me and this guys went from best friends.. to falling for each other. When we told each other both how we felt.. things were great! it felt like something out of a love story. Then about 2 months after we started dating things became weird. he started putting up a wall .. and freaking out. I thought things were truly awesome. we never fought.. always had a blast.. amazing sex.. and and great conversations. he told me he wasn't ready for anything serious and that's where he saw us heading so he wanted us to just go back to being friends without the whole sex thing. so we did that.
during this time we knew we both still felt something for each other.. but i started to distance myself... not always calling him.. not texting him all the time.. and not trying to make plans with him.. just living my life and hanging with my girl friends... well.. i was looking for new furniture one day and he had told me his dad could help me pick it up in his truck and i could store it at his dad's house. so he came with me one day to look for furniture. when we were shopping he mentioned to me that he missed hangin out with me .. and he wanted to hang out with me more. i told him he doesn't ask me .. so when he does i will. he said i always ask what youre doing and you constantly have plans. i told him .. did you ask me what i am doing .. or if i wanted to hang out with you. so then we made plans to play games and hang out one night. this night turned into a very early 3am and he offered to let me stay over. i did .. because i had wayy too much to drink to drive and he cuddled me all night..(HIS MOVE..IM NOT MUCH OF A CUDDLER).
he starts opening up telling me how much he has truly missed me and how he isn't dating and hasn't dated anyone else (which i know is a fact because all he does is sit at home and work and sleep) (proven point by the way) he gave me this information because he knew i was worried about him seeing other people and just giving me a load of shit. So as he was telling me all this stuff.. i can feel my guard start to go up and i just let him talk and sorta say quick things like ya. i hear ya. I understand. and then he invites me over for the next few times. spaced in between.
Well we eventually have sex again.. and again and the next time we hang out.. then we go out for valentines day. and the next day .. things are weird again. I finally let it all out ..making myself vulnerable... and basically saying you know we can't be having sex like this and cuddling and stuff unless you are wanting what i want. and i said if that's not what your wanting with me now or soon .. then i think we should stop talking for a while all together. so i didn't call or text him for 5 days. he text me the next day after we had a long conversation about how i was feeling and how he wasn't ready for a relationship right now.. and yadda yadda. i didnt answer his text..
5 days later i was sick where i needed to be taken to the er and i called him to see if he could take me. he came and took me and i felt i was ready to just be his friend now. he expressed to me how upset he was that i didn't text him back and that he thought i was just using him when i needed him.. because i don't call or text for so long and then i text him when i am ill and need to be taken to er. basically we talked that over .. and have been great friends since then.
well i am in the midst of getting a new apartment and needed a place to stay. he offered me his home and told me i won't have to pay rent to him just buy his favorite soda every once in a while. so i said deal. i have been living with him.. he lets me sleep in his bed..rubs my feet.. (complains that i am not a very touchy person rubbing wise and apparently not a very kissy person) and yes we have again been having sex.
I am soo lost as to what to do in this situation.. i am trying to tell myself.. were just friends...(were both nymphs which explains the sex) but we also have such a fun time.. being stupid with each other.. pinching.. hitting .. (playfully) biting.. saying mean things (playfully) things like that. My problem is .. i know he has had long relationships that ended really badly for him.. almost like he was hurt like me as a woman would have been .. and his dad proactively offered me information without me snooping and asking he told me not to get attached to his son because he is not ready for anything right now.
so when you know that someone likes you and you like him .. and things were awesome .. and still are on a friendship level.. and this guy has not once been caught in a lie with me .. not even a year and a half ago when we were just friends... no emotional attachment.. then how can i get him to put this guard down and trust me.. and just go with it. it's really hard because usually i am the one with the guard up and now it's the guy..?? help!?!?!
VictorM's advice:
His guard is not up -- he's just acting like a typical guy.
Look, he's getting everything the way he wants it: sex, companionship, friendship, and no commitment. His life is pretty good right now. And until and unless he finds a girl that he can be passionate about, you'll do. That's right, you have friendship and are comfortable with each other, but you don't set his soul on fire.
What he's putting up is not a wall; it's the recognition that you're not the one, just the one for right now.
The one that got away
Submitted on Tuesday, March 17, 2009
By: Samantha
Location: Houston
Age: 25
Question: My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago and I have been devastated ever since. I'm feeling really bummed about it mostly because he was an amazing boyfriend and I wasn't that great to him. I free like crap because I lost such an awesome guy out of stupidity and now I can never get him back. I believe that good guys are rare and it maybe another 10 years before I find another and honestly I just want him! My question is how do I get over this guilty and regretful feel that I have over losing ''the one that got away''. I've never felt this bad in my life and Ive even resorted to counseling at my school, but I'd still appreciate your opinion.
VictorM's advice:
I think it's most likely that you're suffering from the same delusion as the people who always refer to their past as "the good old days." Chances are that the days weren't any better than today, but people have selective memories. Depending on our disposition, we often remember only the good stuff or only the bad stuff.
Now, you say he was amazing but you weren't that great to him. Why was that? Think of specific moments when you weren't so great to him... why was that? You had to have your reasons. Maybe some of the things he did annoyed you. Maybe he was too nice. That can be a really pain in the ass.
People tend to get attracted to the same type of people over and over. If you go out and date, it won't take you 10 years to find another amazing boyfriend, because chances are that you see them as amazing yourself. In other words, the amazing boyfriend is a creation of your own mind.
By: Samantha
Location: Houston
Age: 25
Question: My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago and I have been devastated ever since. I'm feeling really bummed about it mostly because he was an amazing boyfriend and I wasn't that great to him. I free like crap because I lost such an awesome guy out of stupidity and now I can never get him back. I believe that good guys are rare and it maybe another 10 years before I find another and honestly I just want him! My question is how do I get over this guilty and regretful feel that I have over losing ''the one that got away''. I've never felt this bad in my life and Ive even resorted to counseling at my school, but I'd still appreciate your opinion.
VictorM's advice:
I think it's most likely that you're suffering from the same delusion as the people who always refer to their past as "the good old days." Chances are that the days weren't any better than today, but people have selective memories. Depending on our disposition, we often remember only the good stuff or only the bad stuff.
Now, you say he was amazing but you weren't that great to him. Why was that? Think of specific moments when you weren't so great to him... why was that? You had to have your reasons. Maybe some of the things he did annoyed you. Maybe he was too nice. That can be a really pain in the ass.
People tend to get attracted to the same type of people over and over. If you go out and date, it won't take you 10 years to find another amazing boyfriend, because chances are that you see them as amazing yourself. In other words, the amazing boyfriend is a creation of your own mind.
Confidential to Nina, from Berlin, Germany
You can't fix this guy to be self-confident. And you can't make yourself ugly or socially unpleasant. You need to keep looking till you find someone that can handle your looks and your personality with confidence.
Dating is a process of finding a good match, and this guy just isn't it.
Dating is a process of finding a good match, and this guy just isn't it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Ex Girlfriends number under a guy's name
Submitted on Tuesday, March 17, 2009
By: Kimberley
Age: 21
Location: Oklahoma
Question: Why would my husband put an Ex Girlfriends number under a guy's name? We have been married for 2 years and he just got her number the other day and he put it under a Guys name. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It’s hard to believe that he has a good reason for it. At least I'm not creative enough to think of one.
Of course, it’s possible that he’s just friendly with her and didn’t want to upset you. But if this is the reason, it clearly means you don’t have much of a trusting relationship.
By: Kimberley
Age: 21
Location: Oklahoma
Question: Why would my husband put an Ex Girlfriends number under a guy's name? We have been married for 2 years and he just got her number the other day and he put it under a Guys name. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It’s hard to believe that he has a good reason for it. At least I'm not creative enough to think of one.
Of course, it’s possible that he’s just friendly with her and didn’t want to upset you. But if this is the reason, it clearly means you don’t have much of a trusting relationship.
The first 8 months were great
Submitted on Tuesday, March 17, 2009
By: Needs Clarity
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Question: I have been with my boyfriend two years next month. The first 8 months were great. We always wanted to be with each other. 2008, on the other hand, was a very rough year for us: constant breaks, disagreements, and break ups. But we always ended back together. 2009 I decided to commit fully and make all the effort to make the relationship work.I stopped going out as often and have focused on us. Now I'm feeling like I'm not sure where his head is. We had a serious talk about what I want in a relationship, told him if he didn't want it, it was ok. He said he understood and he wants to make it work. Why do I feel so uneasy with him? He says he loves me, he's a tough guy to read, and is definitely a man who has communication issues in the relationship. I'm confused, I feel like he's not giving his all. I don't know! What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Telling a guy what you want is not good communications. That works if you're a drill Sargent training new cadets, or a teacher giving directions to students, but with a boyfriend? It's a path to failure.
Anything that guys perceive as an obligation is going to get some push back from them sooner or later, whether conscientiously or subconsciously. Whenever he feels cranky, moody, or a little pissed at you, he's going to rebel against the authority figure (in this case, you).
A much better approach is to realize that it's not a boyfriend's job to satisfy every one of your wants, and that when he does, it's a good thing. And since most boyfriends want to make their partners happy -- without feeling that it's an obligation -- it works much better if you simply tell him what makes you happy. Telling a guy that you feel happy, special, appreciated, worthy, sexy, important, beautiful, etc. when he does or say x, y, or z is much more likely to result in him doing x,y, or z in the future -- even if not as often as you'd like -- than if you come across as either needy or bossy.
Try again.
By: Needs Clarity
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Question: I have been with my boyfriend two years next month. The first 8 months were great. We always wanted to be with each other. 2008, on the other hand, was a very rough year for us: constant breaks, disagreements, and break ups. But we always ended back together. 2009 I decided to commit fully and make all the effort to make the relationship work.I stopped going out as often and have focused on us. Now I'm feeling like I'm not sure where his head is. We had a serious talk about what I want in a relationship, told him if he didn't want it, it was ok. He said he understood and he wants to make it work. Why do I feel so uneasy with him? He says he loves me, he's a tough guy to read, and is definitely a man who has communication issues in the relationship. I'm confused, I feel like he's not giving his all. I don't know! What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Telling a guy what you want is not good communications. That works if you're a drill Sargent training new cadets, or a teacher giving directions to students, but with a boyfriend? It's a path to failure.
Anything that guys perceive as an obligation is going to get some push back from them sooner or later, whether conscientiously or subconsciously. Whenever he feels cranky, moody, or a little pissed at you, he's going to rebel against the authority figure (in this case, you).
A much better approach is to realize that it's not a boyfriend's job to satisfy every one of your wants, and that when he does, it's a good thing. And since most boyfriends want to make their partners happy -- without feeling that it's an obligation -- it works much better if you simply tell him what makes you happy. Telling a guy that you feel happy, special, appreciated, worthy, sexy, important, beautiful, etc. when he does or say x, y, or z is much more likely to result in him doing x,y, or z in the future -- even if not as often as you'd like -- than if you come across as either needy or bossy.
Try again.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I am being mistreated
Submitted on Tuesday, March 17, 2009
By: Chelsey Wright
Age: 20
Location: Oklahoma
Question: I’m sorry this will be so long, but I would really appreciate any advice. I have been with my fiancé (7 years my senior) for 4 years now, living with him for 2, and the past year we have been engaged. I love him dearly, but very often feel like I am being mistreated. I have several examples.
It began about 6 months after we started dating, he broke up with me several times (no phone call or notice, just quit answering the phone) only to come crawling back a few months later, I took him back every time because I was heartbroken the whole time we weren’t together.
The next one came after we had been dating for a little over a year; he went to see his ex girlfriend that he was with for 4 years, and her son that he helped raise from the time they were together. It only came out after one of his friends got drunk and let it slip, he even tried to deny it after that, until I flat told him I knew and he better quit lying.
The next one came after we had been together about 2 years, I found him with a chick ("one of the guys" according to him) that he had gone to high school with in bed and she was topless. Of course, I started freaking out and asked what was going on. She said it was because she has fake boobs and is uncomfortable to sleep with a shirt on. I don’t know if they did anything or not, and I let it go because of that and because they had been friends for a long time. He lied to me about going to hang out with this girl sometime after that, and also recently took her along on his bachelor party, which I find inappropriate.
The night of his bachelor party, he came home with bite marks on his neck. I know he went to the strip club, but I didn’t think they were allowed to touch. When I asked him about it he got mad at me asking why I said it was ok for him to go to the strip club, if I was going to be mad at him for it.
It doesn't matter what Im trying to talk to him about, if its something I think he has done wrong, he always turns it around and gets mad at me. I think he does it to cover up his wrong doings.
He has also started staying out a couple nights a week, "hanging out at work with friends" until after he would normally go to bed. It wouldn’t be weird if he had always done this, but it just started. Not to mention, if I did something like that, he would be livid.
I don’t know how to talk to him about this anymore, because I always end up being the bad guy. But I can’t get married to this man with a sound mind if I think he is being shady (which I do). Am I over reacting? Should I even try to talk about this with him? If so, what do I say to make him realize I’m done letting him turn it around on me and I want straight honest answers?
Thanks for any help
VictorM's advice:
There’s nothing to talk about. DUMP HIM. NOW!
The problem is that you don’t sound like the type of girl who has what it takes to do the right thing. And really, it has nothing to do with him. Your self-confidence and self-esteem are at or near zero. Unless and until you do something about that -- I recommend professional therapy -- your relationship with this jerk will not really end. But you should try as hard as you can.
By: Chelsey Wright
Age: 20
Location: Oklahoma
Question: I’m sorry this will be so long, but I would really appreciate any advice. I have been with my fiancé (7 years my senior) for 4 years now, living with him for 2, and the past year we have been engaged. I love him dearly, but very often feel like I am being mistreated. I have several examples.
It began about 6 months after we started dating, he broke up with me several times (no phone call or notice, just quit answering the phone) only to come crawling back a few months later, I took him back every time because I was heartbroken the whole time we weren’t together.
The next one came after we had been dating for a little over a year; he went to see his ex girlfriend that he was with for 4 years, and her son that he helped raise from the time they were together. It only came out after one of his friends got drunk and let it slip, he even tried to deny it after that, until I flat told him I knew and he better quit lying.
The next one came after we had been together about 2 years, I found him with a chick ("one of the guys" according to him) that he had gone to high school with in bed and she was topless. Of course, I started freaking out and asked what was going on. She said it was because she has fake boobs and is uncomfortable to sleep with a shirt on. I don’t know if they did anything or not, and I let it go because of that and because they had been friends for a long time. He lied to me about going to hang out with this girl sometime after that, and also recently took her along on his bachelor party, which I find inappropriate.
The night of his bachelor party, he came home with bite marks on his neck. I know he went to the strip club, but I didn’t think they were allowed to touch. When I asked him about it he got mad at me asking why I said it was ok for him to go to the strip club, if I was going to be mad at him for it.
It doesn't matter what Im trying to talk to him about, if its something I think he has done wrong, he always turns it around and gets mad at me. I think he does it to cover up his wrong doings.
He has also started staying out a couple nights a week, "hanging out at work with friends" until after he would normally go to bed. It wouldn’t be weird if he had always done this, but it just started. Not to mention, if I did something like that, he would be livid.
I don’t know how to talk to him about this anymore, because I always end up being the bad guy. But I can’t get married to this man with a sound mind if I think he is being shady (which I do). Am I over reacting? Should I even try to talk about this with him? If so, what do I say to make him realize I’m done letting him turn it around on me and I want straight honest answers?
Thanks for any help
VictorM's advice:
There’s nothing to talk about. DUMP HIM. NOW!
The problem is that you don’t sound like the type of girl who has what it takes to do the right thing. And really, it has nothing to do with him. Your self-confidence and self-esteem are at or near zero. Unless and until you do something about that -- I recommend professional therapy -- your relationship with this jerk will not really end. But you should try as hard as you can.
He sends pictures of himself
Submitted on Monday, March 16, 2009
By: Sheila Moore
Age: 48
Location: FL
Question: What is a guy trying to prove if he breaks up with you and sends you pictures of himself to your email two weeks later?
VictorM's advice:
I really don’t know what his motivation might be, but it sounds narcissistic to me.
Maybe you should fell lucky that you're no longer seeing him.
By: Sheila Moore
Age: 48
Location: FL
Question: What is a guy trying to prove if he breaks up with you and sends you pictures of himself to your email two weeks later?
VictorM's advice:
I really don’t know what his motivation might be, but it sounds narcissistic to me.
Maybe you should fell lucky that you're no longer seeing him.
He said he only saw us as good friends
Submitted on Monday, March 16, 2009
By: Amanda
Age: 33
Location: Hong Kong
Question: Do you think a guy would spend the time and effort emailing every week and once in a while calling if he isn't interested in being more than friends?
I have a good friend whom I have been in love with for the past 1 year who is in a different country at the moment.
He knows that I like him (I admitted it last year) but he said he only saw us as good friends.
This friendship is actually beginning to hurt me as I really want something more out of it. But I don't dare burn bridges just in case he changes his mind. I have to tried to forget about him and meet new guys but I somehow can't get him out of my head.
VictorM's advice:
No, he’s not interested in being more than friends. The emails and calls are done for two reasons: 1) he genuinely likes you as a friend; 2) nothing boosts a guy’s like knowing there’s a women who likes him more than he likes her. Contacting you feeds his ego. It’s not a sign that he likes you.
By: Amanda
Age: 33
Location: Hong Kong
Question: Do you think a guy would spend the time and effort emailing every week and once in a while calling if he isn't interested in being more than friends?
I have a good friend whom I have been in love with for the past 1 year who is in a different country at the moment.
He knows that I like him (I admitted it last year) but he said he only saw us as good friends.
This friendship is actually beginning to hurt me as I really want something more out of it. But I don't dare burn bridges just in case he changes his mind. I have to tried to forget about him and meet new guys but I somehow can't get him out of my head.
VictorM's advice:
No, he’s not interested in being more than friends. The emails and calls are done for two reasons: 1) he genuinely likes you as a friend; 2) nothing boosts a guy’s like knowing there’s a women who likes him more than he likes her. Contacting you feeds his ego. It’s not a sign that he likes you.
He always breaks up with her
Submitted on Sunday, March 15, 2009
By: Ava
Age: 24
Location: Dallas
Question: One of my best friends has been dating a guy on and off for 6 years. It has never been a solid relationship, even off for a whole year, back on for a month, etc. He always breaks up with her. He has cheated on her multiple times, manipulates her, etc. He isn't physically abusive, and I know they have fun together when they're alone SOMETIMES. Her family can't stand him. Most of the time they are fighting and they both know it won't end up working, but they stay in contact, though rarely being "officially together." He just cheated on her again and actually told her about it. She was happy he told the truth and then now she is back to talking to him all the time. I'm so annoyed with her. She comes to me for advice every time and I make so much effort and spend tons of time trying to help her move on, but she always goes back. His father is sick, so she says she needs to be there for him for that. She lies to me, her family and other friends. I find it hard to be friendly and normal with her when I know she is lying to me and when I spend all this time trying to help her (she comes to me), and yet she always goes back whether it's "official" or not. I am beginning to resent her and think negative things like "she is so weak and stupid." I've been patient and tried to help, tried to stay out of it, etc. What do I do?? HELP! It's so annoying and draining!
VictorM's advice:
I’m sure you mean well, but in a way, you’re no different than she is. In fact, at least when she’s with him she has fun. But you’re putting a lot of energy into a situation that doesn’t change. Yet you persist. You probably will defend your actions by saying you care. Well, I bet that’s the same reason she gives for seeing him. She persists because she thinks she can change him; you persist because you think you can change her.
Remember this line: that which irritates us the most about someone we care for, is that which we are weak at but are incapable of changing about ourselves.
Work to deal with your inability to change other people – basically by accepting that it’s not your job to change others – and once you do, your friend’s problems will remain what they really are: her problems, not yours.
Her situation is hers to resolve.
By: Ava
Age: 24
Location: Dallas
Question: One of my best friends has been dating a guy on and off for 6 years. It has never been a solid relationship, even off for a whole year, back on for a month, etc. He always breaks up with her. He has cheated on her multiple times, manipulates her, etc. He isn't physically abusive, and I know they have fun together when they're alone SOMETIMES. Her family can't stand him. Most of the time they are fighting and they both know it won't end up working, but they stay in contact, though rarely being "officially together." He just cheated on her again and actually told her about it. She was happy he told the truth and then now she is back to talking to him all the time. I'm so annoyed with her. She comes to me for advice every time and I make so much effort and spend tons of time trying to help her move on, but she always goes back. His father is sick, so she says she needs to be there for him for that. She lies to me, her family and other friends. I find it hard to be friendly and normal with her when I know she is lying to me and when I spend all this time trying to help her (she comes to me), and yet she always goes back whether it's "official" or not. I am beginning to resent her and think negative things like "she is so weak and stupid." I've been patient and tried to help, tried to stay out of it, etc. What do I do?? HELP! It's so annoying and draining!
VictorM's advice:
I’m sure you mean well, but in a way, you’re no different than she is. In fact, at least when she’s with him she has fun. But you’re putting a lot of energy into a situation that doesn’t change. Yet you persist. You probably will defend your actions by saying you care. Well, I bet that’s the same reason she gives for seeing him. She persists because she thinks she can change him; you persist because you think you can change her.
Remember this line: that which irritates us the most about someone we care for, is that which we are weak at but are incapable of changing about ourselves.
Work to deal with your inability to change other people – basically by accepting that it’s not your job to change others – and once you do, your friend’s problems will remain what they really are: her problems, not yours.
Her situation is hers to resolve.
We have always been completely platonic
Submitted on Sunday, March 15, 2009
By: jessica
Age: 21
Location: new hampshire
Question: okay so i have a really close guy friend and we have always been completely platonic. i started hooking up with his roommate a few months ago and my friend was totally fine with it, he even encouraged it and said we would be cute together. all of a sudden he's telling me he's not okay with it anymore, that i deserve better, and his roommate has nothing nice to say about me. i'm not sure if he's exaggerating or not but his roommate seems totally fine towards me. i told my friend that i appreciate his opinion but i'm going to keep seeing his roommate. He got really frustrated and told me that his roommate doesn't even enjoy being with me and isn't attracted to me. Obviously i value my friend more but is it possible that he is just annoyed by the situation now or is he genuinely concerned about me getting hurt? Also, do guys ever do that, hook up with girls if they have no attraction toward them?
VictorM's advice:
Guys would hookup with road kill if they have an incentive, such as pissing of another guy, winning a bet, succeeding where others have failed (mostly, getting sex), etc.
It’s impossible to tell if your friend is just acting jealous now or if he knows stuff based on how the other guy talks about you.
Do what your gut tells you. As long as you feel that the guy you’re seeing you is treating with you respect and shows desire to be with you, that’s the best information you have.
By: jessica
Age: 21
Location: new hampshire
Question: okay so i have a really close guy friend and we have always been completely platonic. i started hooking up with his roommate a few months ago and my friend was totally fine with it, he even encouraged it and said we would be cute together. all of a sudden he's telling me he's not okay with it anymore, that i deserve better, and his roommate has nothing nice to say about me. i'm not sure if he's exaggerating or not but his roommate seems totally fine towards me. i told my friend that i appreciate his opinion but i'm going to keep seeing his roommate. He got really frustrated and told me that his roommate doesn't even enjoy being with me and isn't attracted to me. Obviously i value my friend more but is it possible that he is just annoyed by the situation now or is he genuinely concerned about me getting hurt? Also, do guys ever do that, hook up with girls if they have no attraction toward them?
VictorM's advice:
Guys would hookup with road kill if they have an incentive, such as pissing of another guy, winning a bet, succeeding where others have failed (mostly, getting sex), etc.
It’s impossible to tell if your friend is just acting jealous now or if he knows stuff based on how the other guy talks about you.
Do what your gut tells you. As long as you feel that the guy you’re seeing you is treating with you respect and shows desire to be with you, that’s the best information you have.
Terrible at reading signals from men
Submitted on Sunday, March 15, 2009
By: missredness
Question: Hey
Just looking for some insight. I'm absolutely terrible at reading signals from men and in the past 2 weeks at work I have noticed this guy colleague looking at me. I didn't notice him until he started doing this.
At first I thought it was coincidence. You know when you turn and happen to catch someone’s eye but it was happening frequently.
For example on Tuesday last week I turned to look for someone to help me with something i was looking at on my screen, as i turned he was looking at me. He was facing away from his pc and when we locked eyes he held it till I looked away.
Whenever he locks eyes with me he doesn't smile. But then neither do I.
We leave at the same time and because of his staring I chose to avoid getting into the lift with him so I took the stairs. As i reached the bottom he came out of the lift and stared right at me then continued walking out of the building.
I was actually beginning to wonder if he just thought i was hideous and that's why he wasn't even smiling.
On Thursday however, I decided to take the lift and he left at the same time. He greeted me with a smile and said "well another day done then". As we got into the lift i carried on the conversation and asked him why he leaves early and he explained he has to catch a train home but has to walk to the other end of town to get it. I told him where i lived and that's why i had to leave early and he told me he used to live there also. At this point i wondered if perhaps that was why he had been staring, maybe he had seen me around but he didn't say anything about that. We left the lift and walked out of the building together, it was at this point he said that if we lived in the same area he would have travelled home with me on the bus.
At the time it didn't hit me but when i sat down on the bus i realized it seemed perhaps a forward thing to suggest, even if it was hypothetical (considering we don't in fact live in the same area anymore). I have asked a friend and they thought he was being polite and friendly. I'm not sure.
But I know that I’m quite interested him in.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn’t make too much of small talk. Guys often blurt out stuff just to make conversation. Guys also often look at an attractive girl at work to break the monotony of the day. At this point, we can safely say that he finds you attractive, but that’s not enough to want a relationship, especially with a coworker.
I think that at this time you’re a work pastime for him.
By: missredness
Question: Hey
Just looking for some insight. I'm absolutely terrible at reading signals from men and in the past 2 weeks at work I have noticed this guy colleague looking at me. I didn't notice him until he started doing this.
At first I thought it was coincidence. You know when you turn and happen to catch someone’s eye but it was happening frequently.
For example on Tuesday last week I turned to look for someone to help me with something i was looking at on my screen, as i turned he was looking at me. He was facing away from his pc and when we locked eyes he held it till I looked away.
Whenever he locks eyes with me he doesn't smile. But then neither do I.
We leave at the same time and because of his staring I chose to avoid getting into the lift with him so I took the stairs. As i reached the bottom he came out of the lift and stared right at me then continued walking out of the building.
I was actually beginning to wonder if he just thought i was hideous and that's why he wasn't even smiling.
On Thursday however, I decided to take the lift and he left at the same time. He greeted me with a smile and said "well another day done then". As we got into the lift i carried on the conversation and asked him why he leaves early and he explained he has to catch a train home but has to walk to the other end of town to get it. I told him where i lived and that's why i had to leave early and he told me he used to live there also. At this point i wondered if perhaps that was why he had been staring, maybe he had seen me around but he didn't say anything about that. We left the lift and walked out of the building together, it was at this point he said that if we lived in the same area he would have travelled home with me on the bus.
At the time it didn't hit me but when i sat down on the bus i realized it seemed perhaps a forward thing to suggest, even if it was hypothetical (considering we don't in fact live in the same area anymore). I have asked a friend and they thought he was being polite and friendly. I'm not sure.
But I know that I’m quite interested him in.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn’t make too much of small talk. Guys often blurt out stuff just to make conversation. Guys also often look at an attractive girl at work to break the monotony of the day. At this point, we can safely say that he finds you attractive, but that’s not enough to want a relationship, especially with a coworker.
I think that at this time you’re a work pastime for him.
We had a really bad breakup
Submitted on Saturday, March 14, 2009
By: Danielle
Age: 24
Location: Louisiana
Question: Me and my boyfriend of 8 months broke up 3 weeks ago. We had a really bad breakup that resulted in him changing his number. Anyway after not talking to each other for the past 3 weeks he texts me yesterday to apologize and see if I was ok. We spoke briefly. So I talk to him today and tell him how the breakup made me see how bitchy I was at times so I apologize. He then tells me that he spent the night at some girls house Thursday night and he wanted to ''keep it real'' with me. He claims that he doesn’t like her like that and they didn’t do anything and his motive for going there was just to hang with her. I think he is lying because people spend time with people they like! When I got upset because we did only breakup 3 weeks ago he said he expected me to be more tolerant and understanding because I said I changed my bitchy ways. He also claims to have only been talking to the girl for a week. This is also a girl he works with. Do you think he cheated on me with this girl because why else would he feel obligated to tell me. We are broken up.
VictorM's advice:
Well… you did prove that you’re bitchy and saying you recognize it is not enough to make you change.
1) No, he did not cheat on you, even if he had sex with her, because you were not a couple at the time.
2) He didn’t say he didn’t like the girl, he said he didn’t like her “like that.” That's a big difference.
3) He felt obligated to tell you so there would be no misunderstandings in the future.
Look, I have no idea if he’s sincere or not. But if you believe he’s lying, nothing else matters – you have every right to not get back together with him. But if you’re doing it based solely on the information you provided here, he’s lucky if you don’t take him back.
By: Danielle
Age: 24
Location: Louisiana
Question: Me and my boyfriend of 8 months broke up 3 weeks ago. We had a really bad breakup that resulted in him changing his number. Anyway after not talking to each other for the past 3 weeks he texts me yesterday to apologize and see if I was ok. We spoke briefly. So I talk to him today and tell him how the breakup made me see how bitchy I was at times so I apologize. He then tells me that he spent the night at some girls house Thursday night and he wanted to ''keep it real'' with me. He claims that he doesn’t like her like that and they didn’t do anything and his motive for going there was just to hang with her. I think he is lying because people spend time with people they like! When I got upset because we did only breakup 3 weeks ago he said he expected me to be more tolerant and understanding because I said I changed my bitchy ways. He also claims to have only been talking to the girl for a week. This is also a girl he works with. Do you think he cheated on me with this girl because why else would he feel obligated to tell me. We are broken up.
VictorM's advice:
Well… you did prove that you’re bitchy and saying you recognize it is not enough to make you change.
1) No, he did not cheat on you, even if he had sex with her, because you were not a couple at the time.
2) He didn’t say he didn’t like the girl, he said he didn’t like her “like that.” That's a big difference.
3) He felt obligated to tell you so there would be no misunderstandings in the future.
Look, I have no idea if he’s sincere or not. But if you believe he’s lying, nothing else matters – you have every right to not get back together with him. But if you’re doing it based solely on the information you provided here, he’s lucky if you don’t take him back.
I've got 2 problems
Submitted on Saturday, March 14, 2009
By: Andrea
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: Hi! Ok, so I've got 2 problems - 2 different guys and I'm not sure what to do. The first guy is in one of my classes at school. We started talking about a month ago - I initiated the first conversation. Since then, whenever we see each other, we talk, he comes to sit beside in class, he opens the door for me. I've never seen him talk with anyone else in class, or even outside of class (Ive seen him around before we started talking) so maybe the only reason why he talks to me is because he doesn’t want to be alone in class? I like him a lot, obviously. I haven't said anything about that yet, I am kind of contemplating asking for his number - the excuse being in case I need it to ask for help about the course material or something like that. I’m just afraid that once I ask, he will avoid me.
Now, the other guy: We met randomly, and he asked for my number right away. We only went out twice, but he seems to really like me - at least that’s what he says. He calls and he texts me- a lot. I don’t know how I feel about him - he already talked about wanting to be in a relationship with me, and I feel that we are moving too fast. I don’t trust him 100% because he says some stupid stuff, like asking me if i want to go to a quiet place for a bit. He did that a few times, and my answer has always been no. So I don’t think his intentions are very innocent, but I still want to spend time with him because I am attracted to him.
So, basically, I don’t want to say yes to the second guy because I don’t know how the first guy feels. At the same time, I don’t want to say no the second guy in case the first guy says no.
So I’m confused - risk looking like a loser and asking the guy from class, or just give up on him and give a chance to the other guy?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Focus on the first guy; forget the second one.
You don’t trust the second guy so why would you even consider him at this time? Even if the first guy doesn’t work out, you’ll have many other opportunities with other guys. Why settle for one that makes you feel somewhat uncomfortable?
As for the possibility that the first guy will avoid you after you ask for his phone number, well, if he does it means he’s not interested in you. And if that’s the case, the sooner you find out the better.
By: Andrea
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: Hi! Ok, so I've got 2 problems - 2 different guys and I'm not sure what to do. The first guy is in one of my classes at school. We started talking about a month ago - I initiated the first conversation. Since then, whenever we see each other, we talk, he comes to sit beside in class, he opens the door for me. I've never seen him talk with anyone else in class, or even outside of class (Ive seen him around before we started talking) so maybe the only reason why he talks to me is because he doesn’t want to be alone in class? I like him a lot, obviously. I haven't said anything about that yet, I am kind of contemplating asking for his number - the excuse being in case I need it to ask for help about the course material or something like that. I’m just afraid that once I ask, he will avoid me.
Now, the other guy: We met randomly, and he asked for my number right away. We only went out twice, but he seems to really like me - at least that’s what he says. He calls and he texts me- a lot. I don’t know how I feel about him - he already talked about wanting to be in a relationship with me, and I feel that we are moving too fast. I don’t trust him 100% because he says some stupid stuff, like asking me if i want to go to a quiet place for a bit. He did that a few times, and my answer has always been no. So I don’t think his intentions are very innocent, but I still want to spend time with him because I am attracted to him.
So, basically, I don’t want to say yes to the second guy because I don’t know how the first guy feels. At the same time, I don’t want to say no the second guy in case the first guy says no.
So I’m confused - risk looking like a loser and asking the guy from class, or just give up on him and give a chance to the other guy?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Focus on the first guy; forget the second one.
You don’t trust the second guy so why would you even consider him at this time? Even if the first guy doesn’t work out, you’ll have many other opportunities with other guys. Why settle for one that makes you feel somewhat uncomfortable?
As for the possibility that the first guy will avoid you after you ask for his phone number, well, if he does it means he’s not interested in you. And if that’s the case, the sooner you find out the better.
The guys I like all blow me off!
Submitted on Friday, March 13, 2009
By: Ally
Age: 29
Location: Columbus
Question: I have recently been going out on a lot of dates with guys I meet on the Internet. I'm not interested in most of them, but, on occasion, I have met someone who I genuinely liked. The thing is, it seems that every time I'm not interested in a guy, he wants to see me again and again - emails, texts, chats, etc. no matter how cold I am. But the guys I like all blow me off! I don't know what I'm doing wrong. If it wasn't for all of the "undesirables" contacting me all the time, I'd think I was a total loser, but clearly there is something about me that is attractive. Why isn't it attracting the ones I want?
VictorM's advice:
I don’t think it’s a matter of doing anything wrong; it’s a matter of experimenting with your profile, changing language, different pictures, etc.
I’ve noticed that women often write profiles that seem to be designed to impress other women, not men. I can’t say anymore without knowing what your profile looks like but I’ll give you this piece of advice: make sure your profile says more about the type of guy you want to attract than it says about you. Guys connect better with things they themselves can identify with. If you say you’re looking for a guy who can fix his car, or likes candle light dinners… a guy can read it and say to himself “Hey, that’s me” or “that’s not me.”
There is something about your profile that catches the attention of pesky guys but I don’t know what it is without seeing it.
By: Ally
Age: 29
Location: Columbus
Question: I have recently been going out on a lot of dates with guys I meet on the Internet. I'm not interested in most of them, but, on occasion, I have met someone who I genuinely liked. The thing is, it seems that every time I'm not interested in a guy, he wants to see me again and again - emails, texts, chats, etc. no matter how cold I am. But the guys I like all blow me off! I don't know what I'm doing wrong. If it wasn't for all of the "undesirables" contacting me all the time, I'd think I was a total loser, but clearly there is something about me that is attractive. Why isn't it attracting the ones I want?
VictorM's advice:
I don’t think it’s a matter of doing anything wrong; it’s a matter of experimenting with your profile, changing language, different pictures, etc.
I’ve noticed that women often write profiles that seem to be designed to impress other women, not men. I can’t say anymore without knowing what your profile looks like but I’ll give you this piece of advice: make sure your profile says more about the type of guy you want to attract than it says about you. Guys connect better with things they themselves can identify with. If you say you’re looking for a guy who can fix his car, or likes candle light dinners… a guy can read it and say to himself “Hey, that’s me” or “that’s not me.”
There is something about your profile that catches the attention of pesky guys but I don’t know what it is without seeing it.
Did I scare him off?
Submitted on Friday, March 13, 2009
By: Sheena
Age: 30
Location: California
Question: I am friends with a guy who is 40 and single. We see each other at twice a week at church. For the past year we have been flirting casually. About a month ago I noticed it started to intensify and we started to have more intense eye contact...I felt within myself I was developing feelings for this person (but did not say anything). Now, for the past two weeks he is avoiding me, but watches me.
-I want to know what’s up?
-Did I scare him off?
-Is he not sure about his feelings or just plain not interested?
Thanks
I would appreciate a male perspective :)
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he’s picked-up on your more serious reciprocation and that’s not where he wants to be. Guys very often flirt with attractive women to make some activity less boring. In addition to breaking the boredom, it feeds their ego.
I’d say he’s very sure about his feelings – he doesn’t have them. You’re just a pastime.
By: Sheena
Age: 30
Location: California
Question: I am friends with a guy who is 40 and single. We see each other at twice a week at church. For the past year we have been flirting casually. About a month ago I noticed it started to intensify and we started to have more intense eye contact...I felt within myself I was developing feelings for this person (but did not say anything). Now, for the past two weeks he is avoiding me, but watches me.
-I want to know what’s up?
-Did I scare him off?
-Is he not sure about his feelings or just plain not interested?
Thanks
I would appreciate a male perspective :)
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he’s picked-up on your more serious reciprocation and that’s not where he wants to be. Guys very often flirt with attractive women to make some activity less boring. In addition to breaking the boredom, it feeds their ego.
I’d say he’s very sure about his feelings – he doesn’t have them. You’re just a pastime.
You don't get flowers, ok?
Submitted on Friday, March 13, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 28
Location: NY
Question: I was out with someone on a date last week. We have gone out a few times and it was my birthday week, so he was taking me out for my birthday sort of, but casually. Anyway, we were standing on the street outside the place, and one of those guys came by who sells flowers. And the guy came up and said, do you want to buy a flower for the lady? And he was like, no thanks. And he turned to me, and he's like, you don't get flowers, ok? Kind of joking, i guess. i just said oh ok and laughed. But now I'm thinking, does this mean he doesn't want me to get the wrong impression, like that he just wants to keep it casual and not try to make me fall in love with him?
VictorM's advice:
No, he was just making it clear that at this point things are very casual between you two. It has nothing to do with what might happen in a week or a month. But buying you a flower at this point would send the wrong signal for how he feels about you now.
By: Rachel
Age: 28
Location: NY
Question: I was out with someone on a date last week. We have gone out a few times and it was my birthday week, so he was taking me out for my birthday sort of, but casually. Anyway, we were standing on the street outside the place, and one of those guys came by who sells flowers. And the guy came up and said, do you want to buy a flower for the lady? And he was like, no thanks. And he turned to me, and he's like, you don't get flowers, ok? Kind of joking, i guess. i just said oh ok and laughed. But now I'm thinking, does this mean he doesn't want me to get the wrong impression, like that he just wants to keep it casual and not try to make me fall in love with him?
VictorM's advice:
No, he was just making it clear that at this point things are very casual between you two. It has nothing to do with what might happen in a week or a month. But buying you a flower at this point would send the wrong signal for how he feels about you now.
Am I worrying too much?
Submitted on Thursday, March 12, 2009
By: Sayaka
Age: 16
Question: Am I worrying too much? I'll try to be as brief as I can with this. I'm sorry if it gets too long. =P
Well, rewind 6 months from now. My boyfriend of a half a year just broke up with me via text. I'm pissed. His reason? Parents fighting. Doesn't want to make any regrets, he says. Then shortly after that, I find out he's dating another girl. Then I'm even more pissed.
Fast forward a little. I guess around a month. His girlfriend's stalking me. He tries to avoid me when I see him. I'm confused. (Later, I would learn that he broke up with her after less than a month dating each other. I assume she was pissed at me for some reason?) =/
Now about 2 months ago, I'm able to talk to him a little. He responds. There are signs that he might like me again, and stubborn feelings come back. I try to think it over.
More recent info now, I decided to forgive him and let him have another chance. I told him (since he seemed too shy to say anything about it to me). We started seeing each other again a month ago. We try to see each other at least once a week, since we are both pretty busy. Everything seemed to be going great until this week. It might've had something to do with me.
Current situation: A week ago, he came to my house to chill with me. We shared a few close moments, a kiss led to other things... and I haven't heard from him since. It makes me feel like I've been used and it makes me feel sick. What happened to his texting me every day or two? Then again, he might be in trouble with his parents. He was supposed to leave at 4:30 that day, but ended up staying til 8-ish. But wouldn't he tell me somehow he got his cell taken away or some kind of punishment?
Am I being paranoid or is something up here? I don't know how to talk to him in person if he won't respond to calls or texts. (we go to different schools, so I don't see him everyday) I'm not bombarding him with them, so I don't get this ignoring thing. Oh shoot, this ended up being long. Sorry. >.<
...Do you think you could help me and/or slap me in the face? Either one would be good right now. lol
VictorM's advice:
Well, maybe his parents took the cell phone, but come on, he could have a friend pass some info to you. But he didn't even try, did he?
Listen, when couples break-up and get back together without the issue that caused the breakup being resolved -- and by the way, the excuse about the parents fighting is bullshit -- they are more than likely to breakup again. I believe this is where things are headed.
By: Sayaka
Age: 16
Question: Am I worrying too much? I'll try to be as brief as I can with this. I'm sorry if it gets too long. =P
Well, rewind 6 months from now. My boyfriend of a half a year just broke up with me via text. I'm pissed. His reason? Parents fighting. Doesn't want to make any regrets, he says. Then shortly after that, I find out he's dating another girl. Then I'm even more pissed.
Fast forward a little. I guess around a month. His girlfriend's stalking me. He tries to avoid me when I see him. I'm confused. (Later, I would learn that he broke up with her after less than a month dating each other. I assume she was pissed at me for some reason?) =/
Now about 2 months ago, I'm able to talk to him a little. He responds. There are signs that he might like me again, and stubborn feelings come back. I try to think it over.
More recent info now, I decided to forgive him and let him have another chance. I told him (since he seemed too shy to say anything about it to me). We started seeing each other again a month ago. We try to see each other at least once a week, since we are both pretty busy. Everything seemed to be going great until this week. It might've had something to do with me.
Current situation: A week ago, he came to my house to chill with me. We shared a few close moments, a kiss led to other things... and I haven't heard from him since. It makes me feel like I've been used and it makes me feel sick. What happened to his texting me every day or two? Then again, he might be in trouble with his parents. He was supposed to leave at 4:30 that day, but ended up staying til 8-ish. But wouldn't he tell me somehow he got his cell taken away or some kind of punishment?
Am I being paranoid or is something up here? I don't know how to talk to him in person if he won't respond to calls or texts. (we go to different schools, so I don't see him everyday) I'm not bombarding him with them, so I don't get this ignoring thing. Oh shoot, this ended up being long. Sorry. >.<
...Do you think you could help me and/or slap me in the face? Either one would be good right now. lol
VictorM's advice:
Well, maybe his parents took the cell phone, but come on, he could have a friend pass some info to you. But he didn't even try, did he?
Listen, when couples break-up and get back together without the issue that caused the breakup being resolved -- and by the way, the excuse about the parents fighting is bullshit -- they are more than likely to breakup again. I believe this is where things are headed.
The best way to approach a guy
Submitted on Thursday, March 12, 2009
By: Jo
Age: 16
Location: NY
Question: i would want to know what’s the best way to approach a guy? When you’re just randomly in the hall and you think he’s attractive and want to get to know him. What is the best way to start talking to him?
VictorM's advice:
Start with smiling. Then, as you’re walking by him just stop and say: “Hi, I’m Jo, what’s your name?” Let’s say he says Jim. You say: “Thanks, Jim. See you around.” And this is important: smile and keep walking away right after that exchange. This will keep you in his mind and wondering what it was all about. He’ll bend over backwards to see you again.
By: Jo
Age: 16
Location: NY
Question: i would want to know what’s the best way to approach a guy? When you’re just randomly in the hall and you think he’s attractive and want to get to know him. What is the best way to start talking to him?
VictorM's advice:
Start with smiling. Then, as you’re walking by him just stop and say: “Hi, I’m Jo, what’s your name?” Let’s say he says Jim. You say: “Thanks, Jim. See you around.” And this is important: smile and keep walking away right after that exchange. This will keep you in his mind and wondering what it was all about. He’ll bend over backwards to see you again.
I have dated this guy like 4 times
Submitted on Thursday, March 12, 2009
By: theused
Age: 19
Location: florida
Question: I have dated this guy like 4 times, he actually went to the mall with me lol. I'm not the average person, he is very sexual and so am I. I do not know if I am a booty call or a really slow casual date. Have not had sex and he said he would wait until I'm ready. He just moved into a new home, works like almost 60 hours a week, lives a few counties away, has a kid, and an ex that is trying to get back with him. I didn't talk to him for like a week and he txt me "haven't heard from you for awhile, what you up to, I can hangout". I don't understand this guy. I think he's just confused off his butt. The more he works the less he calls/txts.
VictorM's advice:
He’s not confused at all. He knows exactly what he wants. He’ll stick around till you’re ready to have sex. And for a guy, that’s enough to make you worth waiting for.
By: theused
Age: 19
Location: florida
Question: I have dated this guy like 4 times, he actually went to the mall with me lol. I'm not the average person, he is very sexual and so am I. I do not know if I am a booty call or a really slow casual date. Have not had sex and he said he would wait until I'm ready. He just moved into a new home, works like almost 60 hours a week, lives a few counties away, has a kid, and an ex that is trying to get back with him. I didn't talk to him for like a week and he txt me "haven't heard from you for awhile, what you up to, I can hangout". I don't understand this guy. I think he's just confused off his butt. The more he works the less he calls/txts.
VictorM's advice:
He’s not confused at all. He knows exactly what he wants. He’ll stick around till you’re ready to have sex. And for a guy, that’s enough to make you worth waiting for.
I am unsure of his true feelings
Submitted on Thursday, March 12, 2009
By: Kayleen
Age: 17
Location: Illinois
Question: Decoding Guy Speak
Okay so I met this guy a while ago and we have been flirting more and more as time goes on. I know I like him, but although he acts like he likes me back, I am unsure of his true feelings. I feel like I might be "the girl from THAT" part of his life, rather than one he thinks about throughout the day.
We were talking online last night and things were getting a little suggestive. He started saying how he "knows I want him" and that he "knows girls inside and out" and "can tell I want to get with him". He was in a half-joking mood, but I could tell it was partly serious.
What does this mean? Does he see me as just another trophy, or is he trying to get me to reveal my feelings to him?
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He has a physical attraction for you. Could it develop into more? Sure, but for now he’s just having fun and not pursuing anything serious.
See, guys don’t measure success with girls by catching “the one”; success is measured in the number of girls they can sweet talk and get to give them attention. At this point, you’re just another one for him to try and be charming and playful with. When a guy gets into suggestive talk at this stage, you can pretty much tell where his intentions are.
By: Kayleen
Age: 17
Location: Illinois
Question: Decoding Guy Speak
Okay so I met this guy a while ago and we have been flirting more and more as time goes on. I know I like him, but although he acts like he likes me back, I am unsure of his true feelings. I feel like I might be "the girl from THAT" part of his life, rather than one he thinks about throughout the day.
We were talking online last night and things were getting a little suggestive. He started saying how he "knows I want him" and that he "knows girls inside and out" and "can tell I want to get with him". He was in a half-joking mood, but I could tell it was partly serious.
What does this mean? Does he see me as just another trophy, or is he trying to get me to reveal my feelings to him?
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He has a physical attraction for you. Could it develop into more? Sure, but for now he’s just having fun and not pursuing anything serious.
See, guys don’t measure success with girls by catching “the one”; success is measured in the number of girls they can sweet talk and get to give them attention. At this point, you’re just another one for him to try and be charming and playful with. When a guy gets into suggestive talk at this stage, you can pretty much tell where his intentions are.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The guy I like is not at school
Submitted on Thursday, March 12, 2009
By: Shana
Age: 19
Location: United States
Question: The guy I like is not at school this semester because he's doing a co-op and a month ago he started emailing me, something he hadn't been doing before, and we messaged each other most days for about a month. I told him I was giving up facebook for lent and gave him my email, he emailed me the day after asking me how my Ash Wednesday went and asking me how classes where going and stuff. I responded but he never responded back. After a week of not hearing from him I sent him an email saying, Hey, I hope you're doing well. He messaged me back immediately saying sorry he hasn't written back in a while I guess I've been busy with work and stuff and asked me if I was doing anything fun for break and such. I responded but he hasn't messaged me back. Do you think he lost interest or is it probably just that he doesn't want to get too involved with me until we can be together in person (next year).
P.S. Last spring before summer vacation on the way back from a trip we held hands but when we got back to school he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time because he felt he had to focus on other things.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's going to do the bare minimum to keep you on the list, but he's not seriously into you. But it's not unlike guys to not get too excited over email anyway. Things could change once you're physically closer.
By: Shana
Age: 19
Location: United States
Question: The guy I like is not at school this semester because he's doing a co-op and a month ago he started emailing me, something he hadn't been doing before, and we messaged each other most days for about a month. I told him I was giving up facebook for lent and gave him my email, he emailed me the day after asking me how my Ash Wednesday went and asking me how classes where going and stuff. I responded but he never responded back. After a week of not hearing from him I sent him an email saying, Hey, I hope you're doing well. He messaged me back immediately saying sorry he hasn't written back in a while I guess I've been busy with work and stuff and asked me if I was doing anything fun for break and such. I responded but he hasn't messaged me back. Do you think he lost interest or is it probably just that he doesn't want to get too involved with me until we can be together in person (next year).
P.S. Last spring before summer vacation on the way back from a trip we held hands but when we got back to school he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time because he felt he had to focus on other things.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's going to do the bare minimum to keep you on the list, but he's not seriously into you. But it's not unlike guys to not get too excited over email anyway. Things could change once you're physically closer.
There are two mothers
Submitted on Thursday, March 12, 2009
By: Terri Jaynes
Age: 45
Location: Georgia
Question: My boyfriend (of 2 years) takes his daughter to softball practice once a week. There are two mothers who are also there (this is a 2 hour practice). My boyfriend and the other two mothers frequent a local establishment and have drinks while waiting for the practice to get over. This would be fine except that one of them is blond with large breasts. I am trying not to be the "jealous girlfriend" and be cool with it all. So far I have said nothing about the blonde, but it is eating me up inside. I want to know if I need to chill out? He is 15 minutes from the house, but chooses to go with them instead of driving back home and then driving back (30 minute round trip). He watches some of the practice, so he is having drinks for one hour. I don't want to say anything to him to avoid awkwardness when I'm around the blond also (I have met her on a couple of occasions with him). I honestly do not think he is cheating or that he would. I guess I worry about him forming a relationship with her. Am I crazy?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not crazy.
You should trust your instincts. After all, a guy isn't likely to want to hangout with females unless he finds them attractive and basks in the attention he gets from them. Repeated socializing may lead to nothing but it might leat to a lot, including temptation.
Don't worry about making things awkward. Tell him about your concerns but without making any accusations. Simply state your worry and how the situation makes you feel (talk only about your feelings) and see what his reaction is. Or you might join him once in a while for that hour. Ultimately, if he resents all this, it only proves that your instincts are correct.
Keep in mind that guys love the attention of women they find attractive, even if they have no interest or desire to have anything with them. That's why I suggest that you don't accuse him of anything. But as I've said before, nothing good will come from this continued socializing, particularly after you have voiced your discomfort with it.
By: Terri Jaynes
Age: 45
Location: Georgia
Question: My boyfriend (of 2 years) takes his daughter to softball practice once a week. There are two mothers who are also there (this is a 2 hour practice). My boyfriend and the other two mothers frequent a local establishment and have drinks while waiting for the practice to get over. This would be fine except that one of them is blond with large breasts. I am trying not to be the "jealous girlfriend" and be cool with it all. So far I have said nothing about the blonde, but it is eating me up inside. I want to know if I need to chill out? He is 15 minutes from the house, but chooses to go with them instead of driving back home and then driving back (30 minute round trip). He watches some of the practice, so he is having drinks for one hour. I don't want to say anything to him to avoid awkwardness when I'm around the blond also (I have met her on a couple of occasions with him). I honestly do not think he is cheating or that he would. I guess I worry about him forming a relationship with her. Am I crazy?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not crazy.
You should trust your instincts. After all, a guy isn't likely to want to hangout with females unless he finds them attractive and basks in the attention he gets from them. Repeated socializing may lead to nothing but it might leat to a lot, including temptation.
Don't worry about making things awkward. Tell him about your concerns but without making any accusations. Simply state your worry and how the situation makes you feel (talk only about your feelings) and see what his reaction is. Or you might join him once in a while for that hour. Ultimately, if he resents all this, it only proves that your instincts are correct.
Keep in mind that guys love the attention of women they find attractive, even if they have no interest or desire to have anything with them. That's why I suggest that you don't accuse him of anything. But as I've said before, nothing good will come from this continued socializing, particularly after you have voiced your discomfort with it.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The same dating cycle
Submitted on Wednesday, March 11, 2009
By: Joanne
Age: 21
Location: Florida
Question: So, I have dated a fair amount of guys, all with the same dating cycle. I begin dating a guy who is at first infatuated with me. He calls me, texts me, facebooks me, and constantly tells me how great I am. At the beginning of my relationships I get treated better than any of my girlfriends ever have. We start hanging out usually on the weekends, occasionally during the week, always staying in touch during the week. However, always after about the 4th week, they begin to stop treating me well. It's not that anything different happens then, that's not the point at which I sleep with them. They just begin to pull away. I don't really know how to deal with it, what to do, why it happens etc. Usually they will answer me if I initiate and sometimes we'll hang out, but they don't initiate conversation or try the ways they were at the beginning. So I guess my question is, is this a normal cycle? How do I react? and if this is not normal how do I stop it from happening?
VictorM's advice:
This is the normal cycle. More so if you are a really attractive girl.
The initial attraction for guys starts with physical looks. And a period follows where they can't seem to get enough of you. Eventually, that energy drops.
There's not much you can do different other than realize that this cycle is going to repeat itself, and don't allow yourself to get too attached during the first few weeks. Realize that you'll be showered with attention, but the true test comes a few weeks later.
It is possible that you're attracting superficial guys. Ultimately, if you want to change who you get attracted to, you have to change yourself. Look to modify something about you. Do you dress very sexy? Humble it down. Dress too modest? Sexy up your wardrobe. If you wear lots of make up, go with less. If you meet guys at night clubs, try a different place. So basically, make some change having to do with your appearance to see if you catch different fish.
Of course, the other possibility is that there is something about your personality that becomes a turn off after a while. I have no way of knowing that. But I'm more inclined to believe you're just a victim of a normal cycle of dating.
By: Joanne
Age: 21
Location: Florida
Question: So, I have dated a fair amount of guys, all with the same dating cycle. I begin dating a guy who is at first infatuated with me. He calls me, texts me, facebooks me, and constantly tells me how great I am. At the beginning of my relationships I get treated better than any of my girlfriends ever have. We start hanging out usually on the weekends, occasionally during the week, always staying in touch during the week. However, always after about the 4th week, they begin to stop treating me well. It's not that anything different happens then, that's not the point at which I sleep with them. They just begin to pull away. I don't really know how to deal with it, what to do, why it happens etc. Usually they will answer me if I initiate and sometimes we'll hang out, but they don't initiate conversation or try the ways they were at the beginning. So I guess my question is, is this a normal cycle? How do I react? and if this is not normal how do I stop it from happening?
VictorM's advice:
This is the normal cycle. More so if you are a really attractive girl.
The initial attraction for guys starts with physical looks. And a period follows where they can't seem to get enough of you. Eventually, that energy drops.
There's not much you can do different other than realize that this cycle is going to repeat itself, and don't allow yourself to get too attached during the first few weeks. Realize that you'll be showered with attention, but the true test comes a few weeks later.
It is possible that you're attracting superficial guys. Ultimately, if you want to change who you get attracted to, you have to change yourself. Look to modify something about you. Do you dress very sexy? Humble it down. Dress too modest? Sexy up your wardrobe. If you wear lots of make up, go with less. If you meet guys at night clubs, try a different place. So basically, make some change having to do with your appearance to see if you catch different fish.
Of course, the other possibility is that there is something about your personality that becomes a turn off after a while. I have no way of knowing that. But I'm more inclined to believe you're just a victim of a normal cycle of dating.
It wasn't an official breakup
Submitted on Wednesday, March 11, 2009
By: annonymus
Age: 18
Question: Hey, my boyfriend and i recently stopped talking. It wasn't an official breakup, but I pretty much know it's over because we haven't talked in a week. Last time we talked about our relationship he told me he didn't know what he wanted. A part of him wanted to still be in a relationship with me and another part of him wanted to be single. He also said that he feels like we kinda rushed into things. I understand that feelings change, and people need thier space. But i wish that he had more communication with me about how he was feeling because I am a really laid back person when it comes to relationships, usually the guy will do more of the work as in calling/texting. I mean I do show an interest enough to let them know i like them, but I am not over bearing and can come off emotionless i guess... but anyway he seemed to be way more into me than i was into him and i myself started questioning my feelings for him and the whole situation. I felt like in a period of 1 month we had moved way too fast but i liked him enough to kinda just stick around and see how it worked out since i also thought he liked me alot. Then after the last time we hung out, he started acting wierd, really distant, and he wasn't calling me babe, or saying goodnight anymore and our conversations were short, nothing that special anymore. i thought i was being paranoid so i acted like nothing, and gave him his space but i knew that when he didnt make plans with me to hang out that weekend like he usually does something was wrong. He did text me that saturday night but ay like 9, last (minute). I already had plans and told him and the next day i asked him what was going on with us and thats when he told me he was confused. I just don't understand how someone could go from being really into you one day, and within 24 hours, just stop. It's like something hit him. I asked him if he wanted to just be in an open relationship to take the pressure off the label bf/gf and he said yes. But I had a feeling that wasn't going to work and I didn't feel like wasting my time anymore with someone who wasn't sure they wanted to be with me so i just didn't talk to him. He texted me 2 days later like normal and in the middle of our convo he told me to text him later because he was going to nap. I never did because i figured well i'm not his gf so I'm not putting in any more effort and from there we just stopped talking. He hasn't called or texted me since that day. I've just accepted it, and have realized a lot of things. I just still ask myself why did he stop liking me or stop having interest. I don't get it really. I wish he would just tell me. I rather someone just be straight up and honest than go around the situation in attempt to not hurt my feelings
VictorM's advice:
I didn't tell you why because he doesn't know why. There comes a day when a guy doesn't even feel like seeing the girl, and he has no idea why. It's usually nothing specific, just a loss of interest that shows up. Chances are that it didn't happen overnight. He was feeling like that already, but brushed off as just a mood, or a phase, and continued on seeing you hoping that it would change. But then comes a day when he can't keep doing it anymore. And he can't quite put his finger on why.
By: annonymus
Age: 18
Question: Hey, my boyfriend and i recently stopped talking. It wasn't an official breakup, but I pretty much know it's over because we haven't talked in a week. Last time we talked about our relationship he told me he didn't know what he wanted. A part of him wanted to still be in a relationship with me and another part of him wanted to be single. He also said that he feels like we kinda rushed into things. I understand that feelings change, and people need thier space. But i wish that he had more communication with me about how he was feeling because I am a really laid back person when it comes to relationships, usually the guy will do more of the work as in calling/texting. I mean I do show an interest enough to let them know i like them, but I am not over bearing and can come off emotionless i guess... but anyway he seemed to be way more into me than i was into him and i myself started questioning my feelings for him and the whole situation. I felt like in a period of 1 month we had moved way too fast but i liked him enough to kinda just stick around and see how it worked out since i also thought he liked me alot. Then after the last time we hung out, he started acting wierd, really distant, and he wasn't calling me babe, or saying goodnight anymore and our conversations were short, nothing that special anymore. i thought i was being paranoid so i acted like nothing, and gave him his space but i knew that when he didnt make plans with me to hang out that weekend like he usually does something was wrong. He did text me that saturday night but ay like 9, last (minute). I already had plans and told him and the next day i asked him what was going on with us and thats when he told me he was confused. I just don't understand how someone could go from being really into you one day, and within 24 hours, just stop. It's like something hit him. I asked him if he wanted to just be in an open relationship to take the pressure off the label bf/gf and he said yes. But I had a feeling that wasn't going to work and I didn't feel like wasting my time anymore with someone who wasn't sure they wanted to be with me so i just didn't talk to him. He texted me 2 days later like normal and in the middle of our convo he told me to text him later because he was going to nap. I never did because i figured well i'm not his gf so I'm not putting in any more effort and from there we just stopped talking. He hasn't called or texted me since that day. I've just accepted it, and have realized a lot of things. I just still ask myself why did he stop liking me or stop having interest. I don't get it really. I wish he would just tell me. I rather someone just be straight up and honest than go around the situation in attempt to not hurt my feelings
VictorM's advice:
I didn't tell you why because he doesn't know why. There comes a day when a guy doesn't even feel like seeing the girl, and he has no idea why. It's usually nothing specific, just a loss of interest that shows up. Chances are that it didn't happen overnight. He was feeling like that already, but brushed off as just a mood, or a phase, and continued on seeing you hoping that it would change. But then comes a day when he can't keep doing it anymore. And he can't quite put his finger on why.
Fake questions
Submitted on Wednesday, March 11, 2009
By: christine
Age: 19
Location: ohio
Question: this isn't a question-just a thank you bc this site is awesome! i made the mistake of showing several of my immature friends this site and they decided (without my knowing, i found out later on) that they would ask awful untrue questions..(one about a fake abusive boyfriend who was a drug dealer or something..and another about a gay man) since it wasn't a serious site just for fun. i just wanted to say exclude those questions bc they arent real-i have no clue what drove them to do that. it's very stupid. but i just wanted to tell you so you don't waste the time out of your day in answering them! lol thanks again for the site! if i have any questions to ask for real one day i will:)
VictorM's advice:
Thank for letting me know. Knowing that the question about the drug dealer was made up makes me feel better because I don't wish that type of situation on anyone.
I have no way of knowing if any question is fake or not, so I choose to answer them as if they are true.
Your friends are not the only ones who make up questions for fun; I have others feeling guilty after the fact and confessing as well. Sometimes people make up questions just to see if they get answered.
But hey, if they took the time to think up the questions, write them, send them, and visit the site to see if they got answered, they probably put more energy into the questions than I did on the answers.
By: christine
Age: 19
Location: ohio
Question: this isn't a question-just a thank you bc this site is awesome! i made the mistake of showing several of my immature friends this site and they decided (without my knowing, i found out later on) that they would ask awful untrue questions..(one about a fake abusive boyfriend who was a drug dealer or something..and another about a gay man) since it wasn't a serious site just for fun. i just wanted to say exclude those questions bc they arent real-i have no clue what drove them to do that. it's very stupid. but i just wanted to tell you so you don't waste the time out of your day in answering them! lol thanks again for the site! if i have any questions to ask for real one day i will:)
VictorM's advice:
Thank for letting me know. Knowing that the question about the drug dealer was made up makes me feel better because I don't wish that type of situation on anyone.
I have no way of knowing if any question is fake or not, so I choose to answer them as if they are true.
Your friends are not the only ones who make up questions for fun; I have others feeling guilty after the fact and confessing as well. Sometimes people make up questions just to see if they get answered.
But hey, if they took the time to think up the questions, write them, send them, and visit the site to see if they got answered, they probably put more energy into the questions than I did on the answers.
I'm going to get a boob job
Submitted on Wednesday, March 11, 2009
By: danielle
Age: 21
Location: CALI
Question: ok, so I'm going to get a boob job..however, my boyfriend doesn't think i need it..i feel like hes full of crap! i have 34 a's..i feel embarrassed to wear a bathing suit or low cut tops-and he says getting my boobs done wont make me feel any different and that i look fine the way i am.he also says i shouldn't be telling people.are boobs that big a deal to guys anyway? regardless, i'm getting this done for me so i can feel comfortable and i'm not getting a crazy size-just cs. but is he telling the truth? or just making me feel better?
VictorM's advice:
Big boobs are more likely to get a guy's attention but not any more likely to it. So while you may get more looks at the beach and the night club, you are not any more likely to keep a boyfriend. In fact, quite the opposite may be true. While most guys seem oblivious to when boobs are fake or not, they are more likely to be turned off by fake Cs than natural As (this is not the result of a scientific survey, just an opinion based on my preferences and that of several make friends with whom I've talked about this).
Sounds like your boyfriend is telling you the truth, at least about him being fine with your size A boobs. Most guys really like boobs... big ones, medium size ones, and small ones. All of them can be sexy and attractive; it's the confidence of the girl that matters most.
Besides, as the old saying about boobs goes: more than a mouthful is a waste.
By: danielle
Age: 21
Location: CALI
Question: ok, so I'm going to get a boob job..however, my boyfriend doesn't think i need it..i feel like hes full of crap! i have 34 a's..i feel embarrassed to wear a bathing suit or low cut tops-and he says getting my boobs done wont make me feel any different and that i look fine the way i am.he also says i shouldn't be telling people.are boobs that big a deal to guys anyway? regardless, i'm getting this done for me so i can feel comfortable and i'm not getting a crazy size-just cs. but is he telling the truth? or just making me feel better?
VictorM's advice:
Big boobs are more likely to get a guy's attention but not any more likely to it. So while you may get more looks at the beach and the night club, you are not any more likely to keep a boyfriend. In fact, quite the opposite may be true. While most guys seem oblivious to when boobs are fake or not, they are more likely to be turned off by fake Cs than natural As (this is not the result of a scientific survey, just an opinion based on my preferences and that of several make friends with whom I've talked about this).
Sounds like your boyfriend is telling you the truth, at least about him being fine with your size A boobs. Most guys really like boobs... big ones, medium size ones, and small ones. All of them can be sexy and attractive; it's the confidence of the girl that matters most.
Besides, as the old saying about boobs goes: more than a mouthful is a waste.
I broke up with my boyfriend
Submitted on Wednesday, March 11, 2009
By: Amy
Age: 20
Location: springfield
Question: I broke up with my boyfriend because he never had time for me, he wouldn't call me and would always complain about being busy in school. I asked him many times to break up, but he would always tell me that he did not want to leave me. whenever we are together, he is the sweetest person ever, he shows me so much love, but as soon as i leave ( we live in different states), the same thing happens again. i broke up with him, because i felt like he did not care enough about me to make time for me (just calling me for like 5 min a day). and the day i did it , he just did not say anything, he just said ok. then after he told me he respected my decision. on valentines day, i sent him an e card, and he only opened it 3 weeks later, 3 weeks after we broke up. i miss him a lot, and i just wish he would make some time for me, but he is not willing to change. we never talked after we broke up, and i am hurting so bad. i dunno what to do......
VictorM's advice:
How can you miss him so much if he didn't have time for you?
You don't really miss HIM, you miss having a perfect boyfriend, one who would do for you all the things you wish. That's not that guy. It never was. The guy you want is in your future, not your past. Go seek him. Leave the other guy alone.
By: Amy
Age: 20
Location: springfield
Question: I broke up with my boyfriend because he never had time for me, he wouldn't call me and would always complain about being busy in school. I asked him many times to break up, but he would always tell me that he did not want to leave me. whenever we are together, he is the sweetest person ever, he shows me so much love, but as soon as i leave ( we live in different states), the same thing happens again. i broke up with him, because i felt like he did not care enough about me to make time for me (just calling me for like 5 min a day). and the day i did it , he just did not say anything, he just said ok. then after he told me he respected my decision. on valentines day, i sent him an e card, and he only opened it 3 weeks later, 3 weeks after we broke up. i miss him a lot, and i just wish he would make some time for me, but he is not willing to change. we never talked after we broke up, and i am hurting so bad. i dunno what to do......
VictorM's advice:
How can you miss him so much if he didn't have time for you?
You don't really miss HIM, you miss having a perfect boyfriend, one who would do for you all the things you wish. That's not that guy. It never was. The guy you want is in your future, not your past. Go seek him. Leave the other guy alone.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
We have a lot of chemistry
Submitted on Tuesday, March 10, 2009
By: Bea
Age: 18
Location: NY
Question: So there is this boy I met when I went away to school. We have a lot of chemistry and a lot in common. He is very shy and awkward, only around me. Since we have a lot of mutual friends we end up seeing each other a lot and every time we see each other his eyes stay focused on me the entire time. I don't know what to do from here to take this to the next level cause I just have this feeling in my heart and I can't even think of anyone else. Please help
VictorM's advice:
It's quite possible he's not interested in a relationship and makes eye contact with other girls too. But if you want to pursue this further, find an excuse to see him away from the group. Just you and him.
You don't have to ask him for a date. You can mention to him you want to see some movie but don't want to see it alone (maybe he'll volunteer to go with you), or that you're going to be somewhere (library, mall, restaurant, etc.) at a certain time and if he's going to be there to come say hello (if he's into you as you're into him he'll make sure to show up).
Anyway, you need to find out if he's as interested in being alone with you as you are. Once you two spend time alone, it should be easier to do it more often. This way, you can judge his interest without having to ask him out yourself.
By: Bea
Age: 18
Location: NY
Question: So there is this boy I met when I went away to school. We have a lot of chemistry and a lot in common. He is very shy and awkward, only around me. Since we have a lot of mutual friends we end up seeing each other a lot and every time we see each other his eyes stay focused on me the entire time. I don't know what to do from here to take this to the next level cause I just have this feeling in my heart and I can't even think of anyone else. Please help
VictorM's advice:
It's quite possible he's not interested in a relationship and makes eye contact with other girls too. But if you want to pursue this further, find an excuse to see him away from the group. Just you and him.
You don't have to ask him for a date. You can mention to him you want to see some movie but don't want to see it alone (maybe he'll volunteer to go with you), or that you're going to be somewhere (library, mall, restaurant, etc.) at a certain time and if he's going to be there to come say hello (if he's into you as you're into him he'll make sure to show up).
Anyway, you need to find out if he's as interested in being alone with you as you are. Once you two spend time alone, it should be easier to do it more often. This way, you can judge his interest without having to ask him out yourself.
A few days ago we made-out
Submitted on Tuesday, March 10, 2009
By: Laura
Age: 23
Location: Orlando
Question: So I have this guy friend and we have been friends for a long time. He has always been extra flirty with me and my friends even say that he likes me. A few days ago we made-out and ever since then he has been completely avoiding me. Help! What do I do??
VictorM's advice:
Tell him you're pregnant and he's the father.
OK, OK, maybe not. :-p
His avoidance is simply a way of him telling you that despite his inability to control his basic manly impulses, he has no desire for a romantic relationship with you.
If a relationship is what you want, I think you need to look elsewhere; if a return to friendship is what you want, talk to him as if nothing happened. After a while, when he sees you're not gunning for him, he might realize it's safe to be your friend again.
But most likely, no matter what you do, he's going to drift further away. Just be prepared for that.
By: Laura
Age: 23
Location: Orlando
Question: So I have this guy friend and we have been friends for a long time. He has always been extra flirty with me and my friends even say that he likes me. A few days ago we made-out and ever since then he has been completely avoiding me. Help! What do I do??
VictorM's advice:
Tell him you're pregnant and he's the father.
OK, OK, maybe not. :-p
His avoidance is simply a way of him telling you that despite his inability to control his basic manly impulses, he has no desire for a romantic relationship with you.
If a relationship is what you want, I think you need to look elsewhere; if a return to friendship is what you want, talk to him as if nothing happened. After a while, when he sees you're not gunning for him, he might realize it's safe to be your friend again.
But most likely, no matter what you do, he's going to drift further away. Just be prepared for that.
We started having problems around 3 months ago
Submitted on Tuesday, March 10, 2009
By: Linda
Age: 42
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for 1year and a half. We started having problems around 3 months ago. We had a fight, and I admit I was the blame. But his roommate and his girlfriend were too involved in our affair and telling him what he should or shouldn't do. I know they wanted him to break up with me, but he hasn't. But he has his family and his roommate and his friends thinking we have. So to my face he's saying we're still together, but they don't know that we are. And he doesn't spend the time that he used to spend with me. His response is if they find out they'll be pissed off. But when they are not around he still comes to see me, even helps me with things, and allows me to come to see him. I have asked him if his intentions are to break up with me and he says no he doesn't want that. He wants to let things blow over and see what happens. Is he acting like this because he's an appeaser, trying to please what they want and me to?
VictorM's advice:
What the hell... are you dating a 12 year old boy? I can't imagine this is actually a grown man you're talking about. I wouldn't call him an appeaser; coward is a much better word.
To some extent I could understand if his job was on the line, or a family inheritance of several million, but his roommate getting pissed? For crying out loud, what kind of bullshit is that?
But, you are no less of a coward, to be honest. Look at your choice of words: "and allows me to come to see him." He "allows" you? What are you, 12 years old, getting permission from your daddy?
By: Linda
Age: 42
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for 1year and a half. We started having problems around 3 months ago. We had a fight, and I admit I was the blame. But his roommate and his girlfriend were too involved in our affair and telling him what he should or shouldn't do. I know they wanted him to break up with me, but he hasn't. But he has his family and his roommate and his friends thinking we have. So to my face he's saying we're still together, but they don't know that we are. And he doesn't spend the time that he used to spend with me. His response is if they find out they'll be pissed off. But when they are not around he still comes to see me, even helps me with things, and allows me to come to see him. I have asked him if his intentions are to break up with me and he says no he doesn't want that. He wants to let things blow over and see what happens. Is he acting like this because he's an appeaser, trying to please what they want and me to?
VictorM's advice:
What the hell... are you dating a 12 year old boy? I can't imagine this is actually a grown man you're talking about. I wouldn't call him an appeaser; coward is a much better word.
To some extent I could understand if his job was on the line, or a family inheritance of several million, but his roommate getting pissed? For crying out loud, what kind of bullshit is that?
But, you are no less of a coward, to be honest. Look at your choice of words: "and allows me to come to see him." He "allows" you? What are you, 12 years old, getting permission from your daddy?
He used to deal drugs
Submitted on Tuesday, March 10, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 19
Location: ohio
Question: I have a boyfriend of a little over a year now..he says he loves me and i love him..however, our relationship hasn't been the best..he used to deal drugs (never used) anyway..he was never there for me..he was always out late at night for "business" and i'd stay up all hours of the night worrying myself sick. he'd get furious with me if i asked where he was-and said he didn't need to answer to anyone..he's pushed me several times, grabbed me by my hair, called me several names (one being a dumb bitch) threatened to kill me etc. i don't think he meant any of these things and i was deserving of them (because we had gotten in a fight and i wouldn't let him leave my place without speaking about it and resolving it). he then tried to tie me up. later he ended up crying telling me he loved me. he doesn't deal anymore but because he doesn't want to..he works a lot still though..he rarely takes me out..and i usually pay for half of everything if not all of it (even on valentines day which he loathes). he's busy now doing other things..but when i bring this up he gets upset telling me it was my fault..he also threatened to kill me if i ever ratted him out..at times he scares me..so i know to not say things to upset him anymore..lately he has changed though..and hasn't hurt me. however, he doesn't like seeing me much..he'll come over very late at night because he works til 8..saying he's busy with work..i've never had to beg for someone's attention..nor have i ever had a boyfriend who complains about driving me places and demands gas money..i do love him..and i just want to know if this is something he can change. (it's been a while since he's done anything -almost 6 months ) i wanted to know if i have caused any of these issues..because i know it takes two people. i also would like to know how to go about talking about this without him getting angry.
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes I get a question that I feel is over my head or that the person writing it needs a lot more help than I can provide. You are one such case. I think your self-esteem is so low that I feel professional therapy is what you need. But I wanted to make a few points:
-- drug dealers are far worse people than drug users. They rank as low as serial killers, rapists, and other such scum.
-- you didn't deserve any of the rotten treatment you have gotten, no matter how annoying you might have been. Don't even consider giving him that excuse.
-- a guy who threatens to kill you is going way beyond any kind of reasonable behavior. There is no excuse for it, and the potential is always there for violence without limits.
-- this guy can use the words "I love you" but he has no idea what that means. He absolutely does not love you; he's just a control freak who calls his desire to control you and abuse you "love." His definition of the word love is not the same that sane people use.
-- you do not love him. You fear him. You're devoid of sufficient self-esteem to value yourself as much as you should, but, just like him, your definition of love is distorted.
-- no, it doesn't take two people to cause the kind of behavior he's exhibited. It only takes one, and that one is him.
I hope you seek the help you need. Staying with this guy is dangerous. Leaving will take courage but the longer you stay the worst things will get and the harder it will be to leave. Don't wait.
By: Jessica
Age: 19
Location: ohio
Question: I have a boyfriend of a little over a year now..he says he loves me and i love him..however, our relationship hasn't been the best..he used to deal drugs (never used) anyway..he was never there for me..he was always out late at night for "business" and i'd stay up all hours of the night worrying myself sick. he'd get furious with me if i asked where he was-and said he didn't need to answer to anyone..he's pushed me several times, grabbed me by my hair, called me several names (one being a dumb bitch) threatened to kill me etc. i don't think he meant any of these things and i was deserving of them (because we had gotten in a fight and i wouldn't let him leave my place without speaking about it and resolving it). he then tried to tie me up. later he ended up crying telling me he loved me. he doesn't deal anymore but because he doesn't want to..he works a lot still though..he rarely takes me out..and i usually pay for half of everything if not all of it (even on valentines day which he loathes). he's busy now doing other things..but when i bring this up he gets upset telling me it was my fault..he also threatened to kill me if i ever ratted him out..at times he scares me..so i know to not say things to upset him anymore..lately he has changed though..and hasn't hurt me. however, he doesn't like seeing me much..he'll come over very late at night because he works til 8..saying he's busy with work..i've never had to beg for someone's attention..nor have i ever had a boyfriend who complains about driving me places and demands gas money..i do love him..and i just want to know if this is something he can change. (it's been a while since he's done anything -almost 6 months ) i wanted to know if i have caused any of these issues..because i know it takes two people. i also would like to know how to go about talking about this without him getting angry.
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes I get a question that I feel is over my head or that the person writing it needs a lot more help than I can provide. You are one such case. I think your self-esteem is so low that I feel professional therapy is what you need. But I wanted to make a few points:
-- drug dealers are far worse people than drug users. They rank as low as serial killers, rapists, and other such scum.
-- you didn't deserve any of the rotten treatment you have gotten, no matter how annoying you might have been. Don't even consider giving him that excuse.
-- a guy who threatens to kill you is going way beyond any kind of reasonable behavior. There is no excuse for it, and the potential is always there for violence without limits.
-- this guy can use the words "I love you" but he has no idea what that means. He absolutely does not love you; he's just a control freak who calls his desire to control you and abuse you "love." His definition of the word love is not the same that sane people use.
-- you do not love him. You fear him. You're devoid of sufficient self-esteem to value yourself as much as you should, but, just like him, your definition of love is distorted.
-- no, it doesn't take two people to cause the kind of behavior he's exhibited. It only takes one, and that one is him.
I hope you seek the help you need. Staying with this guy is dangerous. Leaving will take courage but the longer you stay the worst things will get and the harder it will be to leave. Don't wait.
He said he was looking for commitment
Submitted on Tuesday, March 10, 2009
By: Louise
Age: 24
Location: Perth
Question: Please tell me what all this means Victor. I met a guy online, we exchanged emails, texts, etc for about two weeks and he then asked me out. He planned a nice dinner by the beach and was a perfect gentleman on the date. He said he was looking for commitment. At one point he also said that he gets a sense from me that I'm independent unlike many girls out there. He also mentioned he'd be leaving for interstate to look for work in about 2 weeks and would be away for a week. He said he felt bad about not telling me before we met but he wanted to meet me before he left. The date ended in about an hour and a half and we basically just walked back to our cars. He hugged me and kissed me bye (a peck on the cheek really) and said he'd call me when he gets back from interstate so we can go out again.
I was utterly disappointed but thought he must have not liked me but couldn't tell me to my face.
BUT, I actually ran into him the other night after a concert we'd both been to (he told me he'd be there but I wasn't going to look for him). He was nice, we chatted and when I asked him how come he ended the date so quickly he just said he was tired. I then asked him if I'd done or said something wrong. He then leaned really close to me, told me I did nothing wrong and slowly kissed me on the cheek. It was definitely not the type of kiss (even on the cheek) you give to a friend. I was really shocked since he never made a move on our date or made immedite plans to see me again.
Do I ask him what's going on, will I see him again?
Do I let it go and see if he contacts me after his interstate thing?
What's with the lingering kiss the night I ran into him?
From a guy's point of view, is it at all possibe that he's being genuine in saying he wants to see me when he gets back (you know, not wanting to get involved at all seeing that he's leaving).
I am sooo confused here.
VictorM's advice:
You’re confused? I’m confused. He’s going away for one week? Did you mean one decade? Or maybe even one year. Because one week doesn’t even seem worth mentioning.
In any case, you can tell nothing from a kiss, or lack of kissing, in early dates. Some guys just are more aggressive about that than others. But guys, generally, are in no rush to feel committed. For some guys commitment starts with kissing, for some is getting your phone number, for some is sex.
I’d say you’re one of many girls he’s probably going out with, and at this point, he’s just proceeding slowly. You’re under the impression, maybe, that when he said he was looking for commitment, that he meant with you. That may not be so. Basically, he’s interviewing you, much like a company interviews prospective employees.
By: Louise
Age: 24
Location: Perth
Question: Please tell me what all this means Victor. I met a guy online, we exchanged emails, texts, etc for about two weeks and he then asked me out. He planned a nice dinner by the beach and was a perfect gentleman on the date. He said he was looking for commitment. At one point he also said that he gets a sense from me that I'm independent unlike many girls out there. He also mentioned he'd be leaving for interstate to look for work in about 2 weeks and would be away for a week. He said he felt bad about not telling me before we met but he wanted to meet me before he left. The date ended in about an hour and a half and we basically just walked back to our cars. He hugged me and kissed me bye (a peck on the cheek really) and said he'd call me when he gets back from interstate so we can go out again.
I was utterly disappointed but thought he must have not liked me but couldn't tell me to my face.
BUT, I actually ran into him the other night after a concert we'd both been to (he told me he'd be there but I wasn't going to look for him). He was nice, we chatted and when I asked him how come he ended the date so quickly he just said he was tired. I then asked him if I'd done or said something wrong. He then leaned really close to me, told me I did nothing wrong and slowly kissed me on the cheek. It was definitely not the type of kiss (even on the cheek) you give to a friend. I was really shocked since he never made a move on our date or made immedite plans to see me again.
Do I ask him what's going on, will I see him again?
Do I let it go and see if he contacts me after his interstate thing?
What's with the lingering kiss the night I ran into him?
From a guy's point of view, is it at all possibe that he's being genuine in saying he wants to see me when he gets back (you know, not wanting to get involved at all seeing that he's leaving).
I am sooo confused here.
VictorM's advice:
You’re confused? I’m confused. He’s going away for one week? Did you mean one decade? Or maybe even one year. Because one week doesn’t even seem worth mentioning.
In any case, you can tell nothing from a kiss, or lack of kissing, in early dates. Some guys just are more aggressive about that than others. But guys, generally, are in no rush to feel committed. For some guys commitment starts with kissing, for some is getting your phone number, for some is sex.
I’d say you’re one of many girls he’s probably going out with, and at this point, he’s just proceeding slowly. You’re under the impression, maybe, that when he said he was looking for commitment, that he meant with you. That may not be so. Basically, he’s interviewing you, much like a company interviews prospective employees.
To have their cake and eat it too
Submitted on Tuesday, March 10, 2009
By: Ally
Age: 20
Location: Australia
Question: Sorry its long but please read!
Why do guys always want to have their cake and eat it too?
I'm in love with this guy, we were together for 2 years, both 20 years old. He broke up with me because he felt trapped and lacking freedom, he feels our relationship was too serious too young. He tells me he wants to end up together but not to wait for him. I'm not waiting and i have started to try my best to move on. I have hooked up with several guys since we broke up 2 months ago. He has been with a few girls too but nothing serious.
The other night we were out at the same place and didn't realize. He saw me kissing a ridiculously good looking guy and flipped out. He called me drunk last night and said the most horrible things, like im a slut and to never call him again and to f*ck off etc. He also told me that this girl he hooked up with was amazingly good (note: this girl WAS my friend before she hooked up with him a week after we broke up)
I ended up going to his house and he apologised and said he doesn't think he can deal with seeing me anymore if he has to see or hear about me with other people. He said he was horrible because he thought it would be the easy way to say bye, if he was just so mean that i told him to get f*cked and never spoke to him again. I asked him if he still loves me and he said yes, thats what makes this break up so hard, i really love you even though i have to let you go..
What is going on with him? Is he just jealous... I'm so upset about what he said to me, it really hurt.
Just want some advice from a guys perspective, i dont understand you boys!
VictorM's advice:
Celebrity stalkers make the news quite often. I bet if you asked them what they feel for the celebrity, they’d say they love them. In their minds, I have no doubt they mean it, but it’s a perverse, selfish, greedy kind of feeling.
You and your boyfriend may use the same word – love – but you’re describing 2 totally different feelings. It’s like apples and oranges. His is not a healthy version of the word.
Jealousy is never, never, a sign of love; it’s a sign of a controlling, selfish, insecure person. Girls so often think that jealousy means the guy still has feelings. Not so.
Seeing you with another guy is simply a slap to his ego because he likes to believe you’re so hooked on him that you couldn’t possible even want to be with another guy.
By: Ally
Age: 20
Location: Australia
Question: Sorry its long but please read!
Why do guys always want to have their cake and eat it too?
I'm in love with this guy, we were together for 2 years, both 20 years old. He broke up with me because he felt trapped and lacking freedom, he feels our relationship was too serious too young. He tells me he wants to end up together but not to wait for him. I'm not waiting and i have started to try my best to move on. I have hooked up with several guys since we broke up 2 months ago. He has been with a few girls too but nothing serious.
The other night we were out at the same place and didn't realize. He saw me kissing a ridiculously good looking guy and flipped out. He called me drunk last night and said the most horrible things, like im a slut and to never call him again and to f*ck off etc. He also told me that this girl he hooked up with was amazingly good (note: this girl WAS my friend before she hooked up with him a week after we broke up)
I ended up going to his house and he apologised and said he doesn't think he can deal with seeing me anymore if he has to see or hear about me with other people. He said he was horrible because he thought it would be the easy way to say bye, if he was just so mean that i told him to get f*cked and never spoke to him again. I asked him if he still loves me and he said yes, thats what makes this break up so hard, i really love you even though i have to let you go..
What is going on with him? Is he just jealous... I'm so upset about what he said to me, it really hurt.
Just want some advice from a guys perspective, i dont understand you boys!
VictorM's advice:
Celebrity stalkers make the news quite often. I bet if you asked them what they feel for the celebrity, they’d say they love them. In their minds, I have no doubt they mean it, but it’s a perverse, selfish, greedy kind of feeling.
You and your boyfriend may use the same word – love – but you’re describing 2 totally different feelings. It’s like apples and oranges. His is not a healthy version of the word.
Jealousy is never, never, a sign of love; it’s a sign of a controlling, selfish, insecure person. Girls so often think that jealousy means the guy still has feelings. Not so.
Seeing you with another guy is simply a slap to his ego because he likes to believe you’re so hooked on him that you couldn’t possible even want to be with another guy.
At the beginning, we were just friends
Submitted on Monday, March 09, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 20
Location: LA
Question: Ok, so I have this guy friend that i've been friends with for like six months now. At the beginning, we were just friends, but for the past two months, I've noticed that our friendship is changing. We text each other constantly, he once told me he doesn't know what college would be like if he didn't meet me. He has also "messed" with my hair twice, and I notice that he touches me on the shoulder, arm, etc more often. Also, every time a guy writes/posts a picture of my facebook, he finds someway to bring it up into conversation a day or two later to figure out the story behind it. Also, once he found out that i had something going on with another guy a while ago, he added him on facebook the NEXT day. the next BIG thing is that he asked if he could crash in my room one night. His roommate "kicked him out" for the night so he asked if he could stay with me. Nothing happened but the next day he texts me "last night was a lot of fun". The thing is, he has a girlfriend. They started going out in high school and now she goes to a college like an hour away from us. Does he really like me, and he just doesn't see the point in breaking up with his girlfriend since i'll be home for four months over the summer?! i'm so confused with what is going on!!!
VictorM's advice:
Spending time with you, paying you lots of attention, and enjoying your company does not mean he’s interested in anything more. Guys like to look for things to pass the time. Sports is a common pastime. Having the attention of a pretty girl is another. Guys can do lots of fun things without their feelings being involved. You’re a pastime, a fun hobby, and ego booster.
By: Sarah
Age: 20
Location: LA
Question: Ok, so I have this guy friend that i've been friends with for like six months now. At the beginning, we were just friends, but for the past two months, I've noticed that our friendship is changing. We text each other constantly, he once told me he doesn't know what college would be like if he didn't meet me. He has also "messed" with my hair twice, and I notice that he touches me on the shoulder, arm, etc more often. Also, every time a guy writes/posts a picture of my facebook, he finds someway to bring it up into conversation a day or two later to figure out the story behind it. Also, once he found out that i had something going on with another guy a while ago, he added him on facebook the NEXT day. the next BIG thing is that he asked if he could crash in my room one night. His roommate "kicked him out" for the night so he asked if he could stay with me. Nothing happened but the next day he texts me "last night was a lot of fun". The thing is, he has a girlfriend. They started going out in high school and now she goes to a college like an hour away from us. Does he really like me, and he just doesn't see the point in breaking up with his girlfriend since i'll be home for four months over the summer?! i'm so confused with what is going on!!!
VictorM's advice:
Spending time with you, paying you lots of attention, and enjoying your company does not mean he’s interested in anything more. Guys like to look for things to pass the time. Sports is a common pastime. Having the attention of a pretty girl is another. Guys can do lots of fun things without their feelings being involved. You’re a pastime, a fun hobby, and ego booster.
He has a good personality
Submitted on Monday, March 09, 2009
By: Ana
Age: 16
Location: Florida
Question: I've recently have started to talk to this guy. We meet through myspace, he added me. We starting talking and eventually meet up. I do like him. He has a good personality & have things in common, yet sometimes I feel that we have no connection and things could get boring. We've meet up a couple of times and kissed . I feel that our relationship is just that, talk sometimes, meet up and kiss and that’s it. I don’t really no how he feels about me, I’m kind of sure he likes me, but yet he could be doing this with all the other girls he has added on myspace. I don’t feel he wants anything serious. Should I keep talking to him? My last relationship I was really hurt and I just don’t want that to happen again.
VictorM's advice:
I don’t think that there is any question about him doing the same thing with other girls on myspace. That’s not to say he wont fall for you, but for now he’s just getting to know you, which guys do very slowly.
If you like him, there’s no harm if you keep talking to him, but talk and date other guys because relying on this guy seems like a long shot.
By: Ana
Age: 16
Location: Florida
Question: I've recently have started to talk to this guy. We meet through myspace, he added me. We starting talking and eventually meet up. I do like him. He has a good personality & have things in common, yet sometimes I feel that we have no connection and things could get boring. We've meet up a couple of times and kissed . I feel that our relationship is just that, talk sometimes, meet up and kiss and that’s it. I don’t really no how he feels about me, I’m kind of sure he likes me, but yet he could be doing this with all the other girls he has added on myspace. I don’t feel he wants anything serious. Should I keep talking to him? My last relationship I was really hurt and I just don’t want that to happen again.
VictorM's advice:
I don’t think that there is any question about him doing the same thing with other girls on myspace. That’s not to say he wont fall for you, but for now he’s just getting to know you, which guys do very slowly.
If you like him, there’s no harm if you keep talking to him, but talk and date other guys because relying on this guy seems like a long shot.
I broke things of with a guy
Submitted on Monday, March 09, 2009
By: tamara
Age: 30
Location: the south
Question: I broke things of with a guy that I had been seeing for about 10 months. And asked him not to contact me for 'a while.' We both agree it is the best thing to do because we are both frustrated and unhappy. I'm standing my ground, whereas before when we had a fight I was the first to extend an olive branch and work through it. This time is different because every fight seems to center around the same thing, another woman. There are several issues going on here. 1.) He is having trouble with his career, which leads to finances. 2.) He likes the attention of women, which helps off-set the fallen ego from number 1. And, 3.) I've made a comfortable relationship for him and he has taken me for granted for the last 2 months. 4.) he's leaning on me emotionally very hard. Given numbers 1 & 4 I have been understanding. My frustration over the last two months has resulted in the same behaviors for both of us...him shutting down (not answering the phone, calling me back, and eventually pretending everything is normal) and me frantically trying to get him on the phone to talk to me about it. Over two weeks ago I let him know I was one-foot out the door and we needed time alone/date night(s). Didn't happen, we spent time with friends from previous commitments. But he did find time to go to a bar with another woman I do not know. So I ended it. I walked out. No contact from me, no contact from him. The no contact from him is the norm. The no contact from me is NOT the norm. I'm trying to make a statement...I feel taken for granted and I do not want 'other' women always lurking around. My question is this, will he have the balls to step up and apologize (something he rarely does) or is he going to be a jerk and never call? My friend has a theory and it's 'it's not about if they call but when'...do you guys think this is true?
VictorM's advice:
Based on your question, you are really in a state of mind that will lead to nothing but frustration and unhappiness. Basically, you’re playing some game of tag when in fact you’re hooked on a guy that has shown amazing disrespect for you. Yet, if he calls, like a sock puppet you’re willing to go at it again. Frankly, what you should be thinking is: “fuck him if he calls.”
Will he call you? Probably. Why? Because you’re a guaranteed easy lay. Of course being with you doesn’t really do anything for his ego, since you’re no challenge, but hey, a quick fuck is not something to turn down.
By: tamara
Age: 30
Location: the south
Question: I broke things of with a guy that I had been seeing for about 10 months. And asked him not to contact me for 'a while.' We both agree it is the best thing to do because we are both frustrated and unhappy. I'm standing my ground, whereas before when we had a fight I was the first to extend an olive branch and work through it. This time is different because every fight seems to center around the same thing, another woman. There are several issues going on here. 1.) He is having trouble with his career, which leads to finances. 2.) He likes the attention of women, which helps off-set the fallen ego from number 1. And, 3.) I've made a comfortable relationship for him and he has taken me for granted for the last 2 months. 4.) he's leaning on me emotionally very hard. Given numbers 1 & 4 I have been understanding. My frustration over the last two months has resulted in the same behaviors for both of us...him shutting down (not answering the phone, calling me back, and eventually pretending everything is normal) and me frantically trying to get him on the phone to talk to me about it. Over two weeks ago I let him know I was one-foot out the door and we needed time alone/date night(s). Didn't happen, we spent time with friends from previous commitments. But he did find time to go to a bar with another woman I do not know. So I ended it. I walked out. No contact from me, no contact from him. The no contact from him is the norm. The no contact from me is NOT the norm. I'm trying to make a statement...I feel taken for granted and I do not want 'other' women always lurking around. My question is this, will he have the balls to step up and apologize (something he rarely does) or is he going to be a jerk and never call? My friend has a theory and it's 'it's not about if they call but when'...do you guys think this is true?
VictorM's advice:
Based on your question, you are really in a state of mind that will lead to nothing but frustration and unhappiness. Basically, you’re playing some game of tag when in fact you’re hooked on a guy that has shown amazing disrespect for you. Yet, if he calls, like a sock puppet you’re willing to go at it again. Frankly, what you should be thinking is: “fuck him if he calls.”
Will he call you? Probably. Why? Because you’re a guaranteed easy lay. Of course being with you doesn’t really do anything for his ego, since you’re no challenge, but hey, a quick fuck is not something to turn down.
I actually just went and introduced myself
Submitted on Monday, March 09, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 22
Location: Cape Town
Question: Hi Victor, thanks for your advice for my last question. I met a guy at a party last weekend (and you'll be happy to hear that I actually just went and introduced myself to him :)
It was a costume party, and he was pretty effusive about how great he thought my costume was and he was really friendly.
I added him on facebook this last week because I wanted to make contact and I was also concerned that I seemed a little aloof (apparently I do that without knowing sometimes). He confirmed me the same day and then posted a message on my wall again complimenting me on my outfit.
I then ran into him at a nightclub this weekend, and he was really friendly, and kept telling me how beautiful I looked, and we spent a really long time talking and got along really well. He kissed me, and then he told me how amazed he was when he first saw me, and the rest of the time we spent together he was really affectionate - I mean he was looking at me like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, and kissing my cheek and my hands, and telling me how cute I am and generally being very flattering and sweet. It seemed like he genuinely liked me, but when we said goodbye, he didn't take my number! I really like this guy, so I was wondering if you have any thoughts on this behaviour - I have no idea if this it is normal for guys to act so into a girl but only be keen for a once-off thing? Do you think I should just cut my losses or should I try and contact him? (We are still 'friends' on facebook). Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
HI Rebecca. Great to hear that you’re having the courage to approach guys. You’ll find that you’ll be well received 99.9% of the time.
Guys can be very excited in the moment. They don’t have to fall in love, or find the girl amazing to like to touch her, kiss her, and get her attention. I wish I had a magic wand to make girls understand that physical attraction, flirting, and even exuberant attention does NOT mean the guy may be interested in anything other than feel good about himself for a couple of hours.
That’s not to say he’s not interested in more, but even something as getting a phone number could be taking it too fast and feel too obligated. Remember what I always say: girls are looking for security with one guy; guys looks for quantity first. Girls find one guy and focus like a laser on that one guy; a guy seeks out many girls to conquer before settling on one.
By: Rebecca
Age: 22
Location: Cape Town
Question: Hi Victor, thanks for your advice for my last question. I met a guy at a party last weekend (and you'll be happy to hear that I actually just went and introduced myself to him :)
It was a costume party, and he was pretty effusive about how great he thought my costume was and he was really friendly.
I added him on facebook this last week because I wanted to make contact and I was also concerned that I seemed a little aloof (apparently I do that without knowing sometimes). He confirmed me the same day and then posted a message on my wall again complimenting me on my outfit.
I then ran into him at a nightclub this weekend, and he was really friendly, and kept telling me how beautiful I looked, and we spent a really long time talking and got along really well. He kissed me, and then he told me how amazed he was when he first saw me, and the rest of the time we spent together he was really affectionate - I mean he was looking at me like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, and kissing my cheek and my hands, and telling me how cute I am and generally being very flattering and sweet. It seemed like he genuinely liked me, but when we said goodbye, he didn't take my number! I really like this guy, so I was wondering if you have any thoughts on this behaviour - I have no idea if this it is normal for guys to act so into a girl but only be keen for a once-off thing? Do you think I should just cut my losses or should I try and contact him? (We are still 'friends' on facebook). Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
HI Rebecca. Great to hear that you’re having the courage to approach guys. You’ll find that you’ll be well received 99.9% of the time.
Guys can be very excited in the moment. They don’t have to fall in love, or find the girl amazing to like to touch her, kiss her, and get her attention. I wish I had a magic wand to make girls understand that physical attraction, flirting, and even exuberant attention does NOT mean the guy may be interested in anything other than feel good about himself for a couple of hours.
That’s not to say he’s not interested in more, but even something as getting a phone number could be taking it too fast and feel too obligated. Remember what I always say: girls are looking for security with one guy; guys looks for quantity first. Girls find one guy and focus like a laser on that one guy; a guy seeks out many girls to conquer before settling on one.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
He said I was depressed all the time
Submitted on Sunday, March 08, 2009
By: beda
Age: 17
Location: Indiana
Question: My boyfriend and i just recently broke up. He said I was depressed all the time and never happy. he told me he wouldn't be with me til i was happy. so i started being happy realizing that i was being stupid. now he is telling me he doesn't want a relationship right now he wants to be single and care free and not worry about if or when im going to get depressed next. we went on a date 3 days in a row and he was holding my hand telling me he loves me and kissing me. he said he wanted me, but then he said that im his best friend, and that we'll always be friends no matter what and that he just needed time. he said just wants to be friends right now. he even said he doesn't know if we're right for each other. im just so confused and i tried to ask him about it but he said he didn't have any answers. he said im the only thing he's confused about in his life. do i start getting over him or should i wait?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he cares for your well-being but he's over you.
Of course, he could be testing you to see if you get depressed. If you stay happy for a long time it's possible that the image of you depressed will dissipate from his mind, but really, you shouldn't seek to battle depression for his sake; you should do it for your sake.
By: beda
Age: 17
Location: Indiana
Question: My boyfriend and i just recently broke up. He said I was depressed all the time and never happy. he told me he wouldn't be with me til i was happy. so i started being happy realizing that i was being stupid. now he is telling me he doesn't want a relationship right now he wants to be single and care free and not worry about if or when im going to get depressed next. we went on a date 3 days in a row and he was holding my hand telling me he loves me and kissing me. he said he wanted me, but then he said that im his best friend, and that we'll always be friends no matter what and that he just needed time. he said just wants to be friends right now. he even said he doesn't know if we're right for each other. im just so confused and i tried to ask him about it but he said he didn't have any answers. he said im the only thing he's confused about in his life. do i start getting over him or should i wait?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he cares for your well-being but he's over you.
Of course, he could be testing you to see if you get depressed. If you stay happy for a long time it's possible that the image of you depressed will dissipate from his mind, but really, you shouldn't seek to battle depression for his sake; you should do it for your sake.
Confidential to Nina, from Berlin, Germany
I knew you meant keeping the question confidential, but thanks for the clarification. :)
Guys can understand being friends only. And guys can understand being in a committed relationship. Everything in between offers an enormous potential for mismatched expectations.
If you're not really boyfriend/girlfriend, then he's free to date others or do whatever he pleases. Setting dates with you, both the act of planning them and setting time aside for them, strikes a guy of commitment. But you both agreed you didn't want that. So he's avoiding it. But, you may say, he agreed to dating. Yes, but: 1) chances are he told you what you wanted to hear so that the present arrangement continues, 2) every date he plans with you could be the time for looking for a girlfriend or hanging out with friends.
Besides, you're both in the habit of playing hard to get with each other. From what you've told me, maybe there are too many games being played all around.
Guys can understand being friends only. And guys can understand being in a committed relationship. Everything in between offers an enormous potential for mismatched expectations.
If you're not really boyfriend/girlfriend, then he's free to date others or do whatever he pleases. Setting dates with you, both the act of planning them and setting time aside for them, strikes a guy of commitment. But you both agreed you didn't want that. So he's avoiding it. But, you may say, he agreed to dating. Yes, but: 1) chances are he told you what you wanted to hear so that the present arrangement continues, 2) every date he plans with you could be the time for looking for a girlfriend or hanging out with friends.
Besides, you're both in the habit of playing hard to get with each other. From what you've told me, maybe there are too many games being played all around.
We met up last week for a few drinks
Submitted on Sunday, March 08, 2009
By: jess
Age: 20
Location: devon (uk)
Question: hi sorry i know this is quite a complicated question:
I recently bumped into my best guy-mate from high school who i haven't seen properly for 2-3 years and he asked for my number after we got chatting. (i was really happy to get back in touch with him as we'd always been quite close in school). we met up last week for a few drinks (with some other mutual friends) and a bit of a catch up and have been texting each other on and off since bumping into each other. he confided in me that he is having a few problems with his current girlfriend and admitted that she blocked me from his facebook behind his back. since hearing that she obviously has a problem with our friendship (although she was supposedly happy for us to meet up?) i've been playing things a bit cool and have stopped replying to my friend's msgs immediately and now only text him if he replies. i care about my friend a lot and am really happy to be back in contact with him because we had been close all the way through school, i want to be there to support him in his relationship with his current girlfriend, (if he needs/asks for my support) but i keep feeling like i'm causing problems in their relationship. his current girlfriend also went to our high school and so she knows how well me and my friend get along, and i feel that she should know that our friendship is just a friendship...i just don't understand why she gets annoyed for HIM contacting me. i want to continue to be a friend to this guy. i understand that the only reason he's leaning on me at the moment is because i guess he feels like he can trust me and i don't wanna abandon him while he's obviously having a hard time. (with a lot of things not just their relationship) but at the same time i don't really wanna create drama in both of our lives. he is very reluctant to lose or reduce contact between us, and i don't really want to lose the friendship either.
i was just wondering what you would suggest?
thanks
VictorM's advice:
Your friend survived fine without you for 2 or 3 years; he'll survive a life time if need be. Your desire to not abandon him sounds self-serving and seems to justify the girlfriend's reasons for not trusting you. So while he is the one responsible to deal with his girlfriend, the most friendly gesture from you would be to step back.
I would suggest that you continue to do what you're doing but adjust your priorities: for now, you're nothing more than a high school acquaintance who also serves as a temporary sounding board. Nothing more, nothing less. You're not responsible for his life, his happiness, or his relationship.
By: jess
Age: 20
Location: devon (uk)
Question: hi sorry i know this is quite a complicated question:
I recently bumped into my best guy-mate from high school who i haven't seen properly for 2-3 years and he asked for my number after we got chatting. (i was really happy to get back in touch with him as we'd always been quite close in school). we met up last week for a few drinks (with some other mutual friends) and a bit of a catch up and have been texting each other on and off since bumping into each other. he confided in me that he is having a few problems with his current girlfriend and admitted that she blocked me from his facebook behind his back. since hearing that she obviously has a problem with our friendship (although she was supposedly happy for us to meet up?) i've been playing things a bit cool and have stopped replying to my friend's msgs immediately and now only text him if he replies. i care about my friend a lot and am really happy to be back in contact with him because we had been close all the way through school, i want to be there to support him in his relationship with his current girlfriend, (if he needs/asks for my support) but i keep feeling like i'm causing problems in their relationship. his current girlfriend also went to our high school and so she knows how well me and my friend get along, and i feel that she should know that our friendship is just a friendship...i just don't understand why she gets annoyed for HIM contacting me. i want to continue to be a friend to this guy. i understand that the only reason he's leaning on me at the moment is because i guess he feels like he can trust me and i don't wanna abandon him while he's obviously having a hard time. (with a lot of things not just their relationship) but at the same time i don't really wanna create drama in both of our lives. he is very reluctant to lose or reduce contact between us, and i don't really want to lose the friendship either.
i was just wondering what you would suggest?
thanks
VictorM's advice:
Your friend survived fine without you for 2 or 3 years; he'll survive a life time if need be. Your desire to not abandon him sounds self-serving and seems to justify the girlfriend's reasons for not trusting you. So while he is the one responsible to deal with his girlfriend, the most friendly gesture from you would be to step back.
I would suggest that you continue to do what you're doing but adjust your priorities: for now, you're nothing more than a high school acquaintance who also serves as a temporary sounding board. Nothing more, nothing less. You're not responsible for his life, his happiness, or his relationship.
Help me maybe decode a few things
Submitted on Saturday, March 07, 2009
By: Jessie
Age: 16
Question: Well, I was wondering if you could help me maybe decode a few things my boyfriend is doing.
Well for starters, he usually wants me to plan when we get together. I would like to be out with him more often, but he would prefer to just chill at his house or mine. He's okay with going out, but he always leaves the details up to me.
Also, he seems to want to be close to me lately. The thing is, we got back together a month ago after a breakup that lasted for 6 months. Problem is, after a date, when he says "hopefully I can see you tomorrow" he doesn't always keep his word and when I try to contact him about it, I don't always get an answer from him right away.
He's also been a little sweeter to me than the last time we were together (like texting me just to say "good morning" and other little things like that). He was like the tough guy who didn't do things like that much before the breakup.
So... maybe he might be starting to grow up a little? I don't know really, that's why I'm asking. =P It seems he has changed some for the better, but he still does some things that make me a little cautious. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
All sounds normal. Sounds like he's learned from his past mistakes and/or is trying harder this time around. Could he revert to the way he was before? Sure he can. But it's also possible that he's matured some.
As for the planning... yeah, most guys are like that. We're someone lazy, but mostly we just want you to be happy so we prefer that you make the choices. And guys hate the phone and text messages so avoiding them or not returning them is typical guy stuff.
You can help by meeting him halfway. For example, say to him, today I'll make the decision of what we're going to do and you choose where... I want to go to a pizza place. Now you pick which one (or vice versa). Or you can ask him to pick either a movie or a restaurant, and you make the decision of which one. Next time around you reverse the question. If you offer a 50/50 deal and are assertive about it, your odds improve that he'll participate.
Your boyfriend just seems like 99% like a typical guy. If he likes to drinks beer and takes pride in his farts or burps, he's 100% typical.
By: Jessie
Age: 16
Question: Well, I was wondering if you could help me maybe decode a few things my boyfriend is doing.
Well for starters, he usually wants me to plan when we get together. I would like to be out with him more often, but he would prefer to just chill at his house or mine. He's okay with going out, but he always leaves the details up to me.
Also, he seems to want to be close to me lately. The thing is, we got back together a month ago after a breakup that lasted for 6 months. Problem is, after a date, when he says "hopefully I can see you tomorrow" he doesn't always keep his word and when I try to contact him about it, I don't always get an answer from him right away.
He's also been a little sweeter to me than the last time we were together (like texting me just to say "good morning" and other little things like that). He was like the tough guy who didn't do things like that much before the breakup.
So... maybe he might be starting to grow up a little? I don't know really, that's why I'm asking. =P It seems he has changed some for the better, but he still does some things that make me a little cautious. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
All sounds normal. Sounds like he's learned from his past mistakes and/or is trying harder this time around. Could he revert to the way he was before? Sure he can. But it's also possible that he's matured some.
As for the planning... yeah, most guys are like that. We're someone lazy, but mostly we just want you to be happy so we prefer that you make the choices. And guys hate the phone and text messages so avoiding them or not returning them is typical guy stuff.
You can help by meeting him halfway. For example, say to him, today I'll make the decision of what we're going to do and you choose where... I want to go to a pizza place. Now you pick which one (or vice versa). Or you can ask him to pick either a movie or a restaurant, and you make the decision of which one. Next time around you reverse the question. If you offer a 50/50 deal and are assertive about it, your odds improve that he'll participate.
Your boyfriend just seems like 99% like a typical guy. If he likes to drinks beer and takes pride in his farts or burps, he's 100% typical.
My boyfriend has been acting very out of the usual
Submitted on Saturday, March 07, 2009
By: Kayla
Age: 17
Location: Ohio
Question: My boyfriend has been acting very out of the usual. He said he doesn't feel connected, but then went on to say we spend a lot of time together and he feels like he can't meet new people. He used the analogy of him being a bird and wanting to spread his wings haha. When it comes down to it all is I don't understand how he feels two things. I also try to let him and his buddies have their time, when they are hanging out I don't call or txt like a lunatic. He also used the horrible line it's not you it's me phrase. We are still dating and I know this is just a rough patch. Just wondering if you could explain. Thankyou. Kayla
VictorM's advice:
It's not a rough patch; your days as a couple are numbering. He just lacks the courage to say it straight out, but what he told you is as blunt as a boy can be. Oh, that's not to say he won't miss things about you (mostly the making out/sex) but he's as good as gone.
By: Kayla
Age: 17
Location: Ohio
Question: My boyfriend has been acting very out of the usual. He said he doesn't feel connected, but then went on to say we spend a lot of time together and he feels like he can't meet new people. He used the analogy of him being a bird and wanting to spread his wings haha. When it comes down to it all is I don't understand how he feels two things. I also try to let him and his buddies have their time, when they are hanging out I don't call or txt like a lunatic. He also used the horrible line it's not you it's me phrase. We are still dating and I know this is just a rough patch. Just wondering if you could explain. Thankyou. Kayla
VictorM's advice:
It's not a rough patch; your days as a couple are numbering. He just lacks the courage to say it straight out, but what he told you is as blunt as a boy can be. Oh, that's not to say he won't miss things about you (mostly the making out/sex) but he's as good as gone.
I said I won't bite
Submitted on Saturday, March 07, 2009
By: Jenae
Age: 16
Location: KS
Question: Hey Victor, long time no see!
Thanks for answer my questions, you are awsome! Today's question is about a friendship sort of thing, I hope that counts.
See a couple of weeks ago I was sitting at a table alone when I see Chris walking around. So I asked if he wanted to sit down so we can have a conversation. He is talking to me and walking to me and sits at ANOTHER empty table. Now mind you the tables are big, not little wimpy ones and they were both EMPTY.
After he says a couple of more things I asked him to sit at the table I was sitting at because (1) if felt stupid and (2) I could only hear half of what he is saying. Now he says that he can't because that is "their" table and then he goes on telling me another story. I asked him again and I said I won't bite. He says "Well how do I know that?", was he flirting or something?
Then Sam, another guy, sits next to Chris. Chris is yet again telling me another story that I could barely hear and when he was done I asked Chris if I could move over there. He says that I would have to ask Sam. So I do and this is what Sam said:"I don't even consider you an aquance.". After Sam said that I was really hurt and I just put my chin down on the table. In my prepeville they are both staring at me until Sam's girlfriend comes and sits by Sam, he turns his back towards me, and Chris turn towards him (his right side towards me). Chris was like that till a few more people come sitting at the table. So until the first bell would rang, I sat alone at the table.
Now when I would be alone with one of the guys Chris would come near me and talk to me like I was a human being and a month before that Sam and I were talking and I asked if we were friends and he said yes. Now why would he say yes and then say that? After that scene I haven't talked to either Chris nor Sam. Sam has tried to talk to me in the class we have together, but I haven't been talking back. Do you think I made the right decision? Why do you think that they were being jerks?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, Jenae. Nice to hear from you again. Yeah, it has been a while
Most boys around your age are jerks, in the sense that you described. First, they are very moody, and secondly, they are very prone to peer pressure. So, if Sam comes into the scene and sees Chris giving you a hard time, he follows suit. That's most boys for you.
When boys get like that, the best you can do is ignore them. So, next time, if something like that happens, and you ask Chris to sit with you and he doesn't, and doesn't invite you to his table, just ignore him. Turn around and don't even listen to his stories. See, giving him attention after he dissed you, is seen by guys as a sign of weakness. Guys are like dogs (in more ways than one) but I'm referring to them being on the lookout for control. If they sense weakness, they begin to exercise control. And that's what happened.
By: Jenae
Age: 16
Location: KS
Question: Hey Victor, long time no see!
Thanks for answer my questions, you are awsome! Today's question is about a friendship sort of thing, I hope that counts.
See a couple of weeks ago I was sitting at a table alone when I see Chris walking around. So I asked if he wanted to sit down so we can have a conversation. He is talking to me and walking to me and sits at ANOTHER empty table. Now mind you the tables are big, not little wimpy ones and they were both EMPTY.
After he says a couple of more things I asked him to sit at the table I was sitting at because (1) if felt stupid and (2) I could only hear half of what he is saying. Now he says that he can't because that is "their" table and then he goes on telling me another story. I asked him again and I said I won't bite. He says "Well how do I know that?", was he flirting or something?
Then Sam, another guy, sits next to Chris. Chris is yet again telling me another story that I could barely hear and when he was done I asked Chris if I could move over there. He says that I would have to ask Sam. So I do and this is what Sam said:"I don't even consider you an aquance.". After Sam said that I was really hurt and I just put my chin down on the table. In my prepeville they are both staring at me until Sam's girlfriend comes and sits by Sam, he turns his back towards me, and Chris turn towards him (his right side towards me). Chris was like that till a few more people come sitting at the table. So until the first bell would rang, I sat alone at the table.
Now when I would be alone with one of the guys Chris would come near me and talk to me like I was a human being and a month before that Sam and I were talking and I asked if we were friends and he said yes. Now why would he say yes and then say that? After that scene I haven't talked to either Chris nor Sam. Sam has tried to talk to me in the class we have together, but I haven't been talking back. Do you think I made the right decision? Why do you think that they were being jerks?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, Jenae. Nice to hear from you again. Yeah, it has been a while
Most boys around your age are jerks, in the sense that you described. First, they are very moody, and secondly, they are very prone to peer pressure. So, if Sam comes into the scene and sees Chris giving you a hard time, he follows suit. That's most boys for you.
When boys get like that, the best you can do is ignore them. So, next time, if something like that happens, and you ask Chris to sit with you and he doesn't, and doesn't invite you to his table, just ignore him. Turn around and don't even listen to his stories. See, giving him attention after he dissed you, is seen by guys as a sign of weakness. Guys are like dogs (in more ways than one) but I'm referring to them being on the lookout for control. If they sense weakness, they begin to exercise control. And that's what happened.
He really really liked me
Submitted on Friday, March 06, 2009
By: ellie
Age: 25
Location: somewhere...
Question: hi,
i am having a big problem. i met this guy last year and we started going out on dates and hanging out in a group with his friends or my friends. he really really liked me and he was calling all the time and it was great at first. then, of course, as i'm sure you heard a million times, he slowed down the calling and the tables got turned. i was the one calling, saying we should meet up, etc. but i was not overly pushy. i asked him three times. the first time, i didn't really ask him. i hinted and he asked, and we went out. the second time, my friends kept pushing me to be more forward so i asked him directly but he was out of town. the third time, i called him at night while i was out with friends and he did not call back that night. he wrote a message to me the next day that said he was out with friends when i called and that he was tired and went home. so i figured he was trying to be nice about saying goodbye. anyway, i went on my way and tried to forget about him. but... he is the first person i have liked this much in a VERY long time. maybe since i was 19 or 20. and i can't forget about him. everytime i go out i look at other guys and i think that he is better than them, and whenever i do something, i think about him. i look at other girls when i go out and i think if he would like them better than me, and if he is out with some other girl that he is falling in love with. it's the worst because i don't have closure. he never told me he didn't like me anymore and he never tol me why. i read some of the other questions here that are almost exactly like mine and i saw your answers... once it's over, it's over. but i just can't forget him. it's not fair that he came up to ME first, he asked ME out, he kept calling me and sending me cute messages, charmed me, got me to really like him a lot, and then just turned around and was finished with me. i have tried to meet other people, but i just think about him when i go out. we were never even officially dating so that makes it even more pathetic. and the worst part is, the whole time, my friends were saying, oh he really likes you A LOT, open up to him more. and i tried so hard, but i guess it wasn't enough. what should i do? i can't wait three more years to like someone like this again. and it will make it even harder for me to trust someone after this. i already had a hard time, but now it will be impossible. and i keep thinking... wondering if he is thinking about me... if he really liked me but figured i did not like him... like it was some horrible misunderstanding. i know i know, there is almost no chance of that.
well, i pretty much wrote you a new "gone with the wind" here, so i better wrap this up. your advice would be very much appreciated!
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.*
Yes, I do, I do. :)
You're not in love with that guy; you're in love with the idea of that guy. "That guy" being a product of your imagination, but with an exterior shell represented by the guy you met. You know next to nothing about him, so all the things you love, you have no idea if they are real. You're stuck on the idea of being in love with someone who treats you and behaves just as you imagine. But that guy is not your guy. He probably never was. He is now just a place holder. Someone physical that you can connect with "the one." Face it: you're making him up!
And now that he is not in your life, he's safe. Well, safer than the next guy, and the guy after that. That's because he can't turn you down again, but the next several guys could, and probably will. So your "love" for that guy is really just a mask for your fear of rejection and/or disappointment.
Call him. Ask him out. Tell him how you feel about him. Give yourself a chance that maybe he really does like you. Or, let him turn you down, plainly and directly. Then, maybe he won't be any better than the next guy, or the guy after him.
But remember, you didn't like him right away. He grew on you. The new guys you meet all hold that potential. And if you care about your happiness, instead of drowning in your sorrow and playing victim you'd take a chance with someone new.
* for those not familiar with it, that's a quote from the movie "Gone With the Wind."
By: ellie
Age: 25
Location: somewhere...
Question: hi,
i am having a big problem. i met this guy last year and we started going out on dates and hanging out in a group with his friends or my friends. he really really liked me and he was calling all the time and it was great at first. then, of course, as i'm sure you heard a million times, he slowed down the calling and the tables got turned. i was the one calling, saying we should meet up, etc. but i was not overly pushy. i asked him three times. the first time, i didn't really ask him. i hinted and he asked, and we went out. the second time, my friends kept pushing me to be more forward so i asked him directly but he was out of town. the third time, i called him at night while i was out with friends and he did not call back that night. he wrote a message to me the next day that said he was out with friends when i called and that he was tired and went home. so i figured he was trying to be nice about saying goodbye. anyway, i went on my way and tried to forget about him. but... he is the first person i have liked this much in a VERY long time. maybe since i was 19 or 20. and i can't forget about him. everytime i go out i look at other guys and i think that he is better than them, and whenever i do something, i think about him. i look at other girls when i go out and i think if he would like them better than me, and if he is out with some other girl that he is falling in love with. it's the worst because i don't have closure. he never told me he didn't like me anymore and he never tol me why. i read some of the other questions here that are almost exactly like mine and i saw your answers... once it's over, it's over. but i just can't forget him. it's not fair that he came up to ME first, he asked ME out, he kept calling me and sending me cute messages, charmed me, got me to really like him a lot, and then just turned around and was finished with me. i have tried to meet other people, but i just think about him when i go out. we were never even officially dating so that makes it even more pathetic. and the worst part is, the whole time, my friends were saying, oh he really likes you A LOT, open up to him more. and i tried so hard, but i guess it wasn't enough. what should i do? i can't wait three more years to like someone like this again. and it will make it even harder for me to trust someone after this. i already had a hard time, but now it will be impossible. and i keep thinking... wondering if he is thinking about me... if he really liked me but figured i did not like him... like it was some horrible misunderstanding. i know i know, there is almost no chance of that.
well, i pretty much wrote you a new "gone with the wind" here, so i better wrap this up. your advice would be very much appreciated!
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.*
Yes, I do, I do. :)
You're not in love with that guy; you're in love with the idea of that guy. "That guy" being a product of your imagination, but with an exterior shell represented by the guy you met. You know next to nothing about him, so all the things you love, you have no idea if they are real. You're stuck on the idea of being in love with someone who treats you and behaves just as you imagine. But that guy is not your guy. He probably never was. He is now just a place holder. Someone physical that you can connect with "the one." Face it: you're making him up!
And now that he is not in your life, he's safe. Well, safer than the next guy, and the guy after that. That's because he can't turn you down again, but the next several guys could, and probably will. So your "love" for that guy is really just a mask for your fear of rejection and/or disappointment.
Call him. Ask him out. Tell him how you feel about him. Give yourself a chance that maybe he really does like you. Or, let him turn you down, plainly and directly. Then, maybe he won't be any better than the next guy, or the guy after him.
But remember, you didn't like him right away. He grew on you. The new guys you meet all hold that potential. And if you care about your happiness, instead of drowning in your sorrow and playing victim you'd take a chance with someone new.
* for those not familiar with it, that's a quote from the movie "Gone With the Wind."
Saturday, March 07, 2009
I now realize that my boyfriend was right
Submitted on Friday, March 06, 2009
By: Danielle
Location: Baton Rouge
Age: 24
Question: My boyfriend and I broke up three weeks ago. The break up was so dramatic he changed his number after. After spending this time apart I now realize that my boyfriend was right all along when he told me I was too demanding and a nag. He would always say I asked too much of him and I disagreed because I felt that I was just expressing myself. I've always felt that in a relationship you should be able to speak your disagreement with something but I now see how stupid that was. I want to write him to beg for him back because I really do understand the error of my mistakes. He was a great guy. Please tell me there's a way to get him back!
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, do not beg.
Write to him. Explain how you realize you were wrong. End with a sincere apology.
But don't hold your breath. Once bitten, twice shy.
By: Danielle
Location: Baton Rouge
Age: 24
Question: My boyfriend and I broke up three weeks ago. The break up was so dramatic he changed his number after. After spending this time apart I now realize that my boyfriend was right all along when he told me I was too demanding and a nag. He would always say I asked too much of him and I disagreed because I felt that I was just expressing myself. I've always felt that in a relationship you should be able to speak your disagreement with something but I now see how stupid that was. I want to write him to beg for him back because I really do understand the error of my mistakes. He was a great guy. Please tell me there's a way to get him back!
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, do not beg.
Write to him. Explain how you realize you were wrong. End with a sincere apology.
But don't hold your breath. Once bitten, twice shy.
He walks me to classes
Submitted on Friday, March 06, 2009
By: diana
Age: 16
Location: newyork
Question: there is this guy, that i just started talking to. He walks me to classes when he sees me sometimes, which makes him super late to his. He told me he had a little crush on me and i do too and i told him. However i've been really depressed lately, and when i was talking to him i took my anger out on him. When i apologized i told him i was very depressed and said that i rather be dead. After that he still walked me to my classes when he saw me, however he doesn't IM me anymore and he doesn't text me. I'm always the one to text him. Do you think he doesn't want to talk to me? Or that i ruined things by telling him my problems?
VictorM's advice:
Well, it's very difficult for most people to deal with someone else's depression and talk of suicide (even if you didn't actually mean it that way), but more so for a teenager. I'm not so sure that he doesn't want to talk to you as much as he probably doesn't know what to say and what to do to help you. So he kind of avoids you for that reason.
That, plus regardless of the reasons, no one likes being yelled it. So yeah, he may have soured on you, at least for a little while.
I'd suggest that you continue to talk to him when you see him, but avoid him when you're not feeling cheered up. You gotta give him time to recover the good feelings about you. It may take a while, but if he realizes he's not going to have to deal with your down moods, he may be fine with you again.
By: diana
Age: 16
Location: newyork
Question: there is this guy, that i just started talking to. He walks me to classes when he sees me sometimes, which makes him super late to his. He told me he had a little crush on me and i do too and i told him. However i've been really depressed lately, and when i was talking to him i took my anger out on him. When i apologized i told him i was very depressed and said that i rather be dead. After that he still walked me to my classes when he saw me, however he doesn't IM me anymore and he doesn't text me. I'm always the one to text him. Do you think he doesn't want to talk to me? Or that i ruined things by telling him my problems?
VictorM's advice:
Well, it's very difficult for most people to deal with someone else's depression and talk of suicide (even if you didn't actually mean it that way), but more so for a teenager. I'm not so sure that he doesn't want to talk to you as much as he probably doesn't know what to say and what to do to help you. So he kind of avoids you for that reason.
That, plus regardless of the reasons, no one likes being yelled it. So yeah, he may have soured on you, at least for a little while.
I'd suggest that you continue to talk to him when you see him, but avoid him when you're not feeling cheered up. You gotta give him time to recover the good feelings about you. It may take a while, but if he realizes he's not going to have to deal with your down moods, he may be fine with you again.
My boyfriend just broke up with me
Submitted on Friday, March 06, 2009
By: Nicole
Age: 24
Location: TX
Question: What are somethings a girl can do to cause a guy to lose interest in her? My boyfriend just broke up with me without explanation and I suspect it was because he lost interest in me.
VictorM's advice:
Often, guys get so excited about a girl that they think of her as perfect. This period is often referred to as being "blinded by love" or "wearing rose-colored glasses." This is a period caused by the release of chemicals from the brain. Once those chemicals cease to be released -- and they always stop after a while -- the guy is left with reality. And you can't compete with the image of perfection. But that's how we know someone is not the ideal mate for us. So we move on. Do we even know the reason? No. It's not any one thing you do or don't do. It's simply the way the matching process works.
By: Nicole
Age: 24
Location: TX
Question: What are somethings a girl can do to cause a guy to lose interest in her? My boyfriend just broke up with me without explanation and I suspect it was because he lost interest in me.
VictorM's advice:
Often, guys get so excited about a girl that they think of her as perfect. This period is often referred to as being "blinded by love" or "wearing rose-colored glasses." This is a period caused by the release of chemicals from the brain. Once those chemicals cease to be released -- and they always stop after a while -- the guy is left with reality. And you can't compete with the image of perfection. But that's how we know someone is not the ideal mate for us. So we move on. Do we even know the reason? No. It's not any one thing you do or don't do. It's simply the way the matching process works.
We got extremely drunk and slept together
Submitted on Thursday, March 05, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 29
Location: Cincinatti
Question: A couple of months ago, a co-worker and i got extremely drunk and slept together. We had been growing steadily closer over the previous few months, but things had always stayed platonic because he had a long-term, long-distance girlfriend. After our night together, I was hoping for another round, but he explained to me that he didn't want to break up with his girlfriend and so it couldn't happen again. He actually did this in an extremely kind way - took me out to dinner and we wound up hanging out for several hours. He explained to me that he doesn't really believe in sex before marriage so my suggestion that we become fwb wasn't something he could do even if he was single.
I really liked this guy and wanted to have a relationship with him, but I didn't tell him this b/c he made it pretty clear he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend. In the end, we agreed to remain friends and go back to how things used to be. All in all, I was sad to lose him as a boyfriend, but extremely relieved that we were going to stay friends.
Everything seemed ok for a few days, but then I asked him to hang out one night (via text), and suddenly he started ignoring me. I thought that maybe he suspected my feelings so I tried to cool it, and after about a week he reappeared. Now, however, I've noticed that, though he'll hang out with me in a group, he won't spend any time alone with me - I'm not even talking about outside of work because I'm not dumb enough to ask about that again - I'm talking about, he won't even get go to the break room alone with me anymore! I've talked about other guys I'm dating in front of him so that he will know I'm not sitting around pining away, but to no avail. Why is he doing this? I want to talk to him about it, but I'm terrified to even try to get him alone again at this point, lest he completely disappears. Help!
VictorM's advice:
You're a permanent remembrance of an episode he desperately wants to forget.
By: Kelly
Age: 29
Location: Cincinatti
Question: A couple of months ago, a co-worker and i got extremely drunk and slept together. We had been growing steadily closer over the previous few months, but things had always stayed platonic because he had a long-term, long-distance girlfriend. After our night together, I was hoping for another round, but he explained to me that he didn't want to break up with his girlfriend and so it couldn't happen again. He actually did this in an extremely kind way - took me out to dinner and we wound up hanging out for several hours. He explained to me that he doesn't really believe in sex before marriage so my suggestion that we become fwb wasn't something he could do even if he was single.
I really liked this guy and wanted to have a relationship with him, but I didn't tell him this b/c he made it pretty clear he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend. In the end, we agreed to remain friends and go back to how things used to be. All in all, I was sad to lose him as a boyfriend, but extremely relieved that we were going to stay friends.
Everything seemed ok for a few days, but then I asked him to hang out one night (via text), and suddenly he started ignoring me. I thought that maybe he suspected my feelings so I tried to cool it, and after about a week he reappeared. Now, however, I've noticed that, though he'll hang out with me in a group, he won't spend any time alone with me - I'm not even talking about outside of work because I'm not dumb enough to ask about that again - I'm talking about, he won't even get go to the break room alone with me anymore! I've talked about other guys I'm dating in front of him so that he will know I'm not sitting around pining away, but to no avail. Why is he doing this? I want to talk to him about it, but I'm terrified to even try to get him alone again at this point, lest he completely disappears. Help!
VictorM's advice:
You're a permanent remembrance of an episode he desperately wants to forget.
I have liked him as more than a friend
Submitted on Thursday, March 05, 2009
By: Jill
Age: 45
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Do You Think My Situation is Similar to "So I Like This Guy" Post?
I am 45, and my friend is 50. We've been friends for two years. I have been divorced for one year, and he has been divorced for two weeks (so we were friends when we were separated). We never discussed whether we would date or not, but he christian, I am catholic, and he said that would like to be with an attractive woman who is christian and has older kids (10 or older; I have a five year old, though I am attractive).
I have liked him as more than a friend, but he hasn't really dated anyone since I've known him, but he has gone to speed dating and used personals, but has only had one or two dates with women. He did tell me in an off-hand way that I was attractive (he told me when we were going to a Happy Hour that the men would like to talk to me, because "I am blond"), and he does pay for me when we go out, but we only see each other only every month or two. Recently he began to tell me that he has a crush on this "hot" woman at work but she is married and has just a so-so looking husband - he said he would love a situation like that!
Well, it is kind of obvious to me after all this time that he just wants to be my friend - I mean, why would he have not kissed me (though he does flirt sometimes) and also, why would he tell me about other women if he were really into me?
So, for about two months I didn't contact him at all. At the end of each last month, he contacted me and said "don't be a stranger", so we would e-mail each other. So I guess my question is: even though I've never told him how I feel, I think it is obvious to him that I really, really enjoy his company (we used to e-mail every day but I cut that out after my mom died last fall), so do you think it's a case with him that I have been a good friend through his divorce and he just appreciates the admiration? Thanks, Ann.
VictorM's advice:
Answer to your question: Yes.
About his flirting: Men flirt with women they know like them because they can and because it makes them feel food about themselves. It has nothing to do with interest.
(By the way, are you Jill or Ann? :) Doesn't matter).
By: Jill
Age: 45
Location: Pennsylvania
Question: Do You Think My Situation is Similar to "So I Like This Guy" Post?
I am 45, and my friend is 50. We've been friends for two years. I have been divorced for one year, and he has been divorced for two weeks (so we were friends when we were separated). We never discussed whether we would date or not, but he christian, I am catholic, and he said that would like to be with an attractive woman who is christian and has older kids (10 or older; I have a five year old, though I am attractive).
I have liked him as more than a friend, but he hasn't really dated anyone since I've known him, but he has gone to speed dating and used personals, but has only had one or two dates with women. He did tell me in an off-hand way that I was attractive (he told me when we were going to a Happy Hour that the men would like to talk to me, because "I am blond"), and he does pay for me when we go out, but we only see each other only every month or two. Recently he began to tell me that he has a crush on this "hot" woman at work but she is married and has just a so-so looking husband - he said he would love a situation like that!
Well, it is kind of obvious to me after all this time that he just wants to be my friend - I mean, why would he have not kissed me (though he does flirt sometimes) and also, why would he tell me about other women if he were really into me?
So, for about two months I didn't contact him at all. At the end of each last month, he contacted me and said "don't be a stranger", so we would e-mail each other. So I guess my question is: even though I've never told him how I feel, I think it is obvious to him that I really, really enjoy his company (we used to e-mail every day but I cut that out after my mom died last fall), so do you think it's a case with him that I have been a good friend through his divorce and he just appreciates the admiration? Thanks, Ann.
VictorM's advice:
Answer to your question: Yes.
About his flirting: Men flirt with women they know like them because they can and because it makes them feel food about themselves. It has nothing to do with interest.
(By the way, are you Jill or Ann? :) Doesn't matter).
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years
Submitted on Thursday, March 05, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 26
Location: UK
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I have trust issues since i was cheated on in my last serious relationship. This has made me a lot harder than i was before. My current boyfriend was cheated on in the past too (issues) which makes it really hard for us to communicate. I feel he's not affectionate enough which makes me act out and break up with him for silly reasons. I feel he should come running after me telling me he loves me but he doesn't! Its a vicious circle and i'm getting really fed up of it. I can't show my true feelings to him and he's the same with me. How do i get him to open up and tell me how he really feels? He says he's happy with me but has never said "i love you," doesn't show any affection. If he told me how he felt i'd stop picking fights but i can't make the first move and tell him. So afraid of rejection! We're taking "a break" again this week, i really want to contact him and sort it out but don't know how to without looking weak and pathetic, please help!
VictorM's advice:
You break the vicious cycle by doing something different, no matter how difficult. Call him and tell him you love him. Do it! Now! Without thinking further. It doesn't matter whether he's ready to say it to you too or not, and whether he actually will ever say it. The important thing is that you become the change that you expect from others.
Telling someone you love him is not a sign of weakness and it's not pathetic. It' actually very liberating.
If you're not ready to do it, nothing will change. Expecting it to come from him is what's weak and pathetic.
By: Rebecca
Age: 26
Location: UK
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I have trust issues since i was cheated on in my last serious relationship. This has made me a lot harder than i was before. My current boyfriend was cheated on in the past too (issues) which makes it really hard for us to communicate. I feel he's not affectionate enough which makes me act out and break up with him for silly reasons. I feel he should come running after me telling me he loves me but he doesn't! Its a vicious circle and i'm getting really fed up of it. I can't show my true feelings to him and he's the same with me. How do i get him to open up and tell me how he really feels? He says he's happy with me but has never said "i love you," doesn't show any affection. If he told me how he felt i'd stop picking fights but i can't make the first move and tell him. So afraid of rejection! We're taking "a break" again this week, i really want to contact him and sort it out but don't know how to without looking weak and pathetic, please help!
VictorM's advice:
You break the vicious cycle by doing something different, no matter how difficult. Call him and tell him you love him. Do it! Now! Without thinking further. It doesn't matter whether he's ready to say it to you too or not, and whether he actually will ever say it. The important thing is that you become the change that you expect from others.
Telling someone you love him is not a sign of weakness and it's not pathetic. It' actually very liberating.
If you're not ready to do it, nothing will change. Expecting it to come from him is what's weak and pathetic.
I have been seeing an old school friend for 3 months
Submitted on Thursday, March 05, 2009
By: jacqui
Age: 33
Location: KENT
Question: I have been seeing an old school friend for 3 months. We were getting on amazingly until his ex wife and new partner caused no end of trouble over a period of three weeks. Over this period he put their house on the market and started divorce proceedings, his ex's new partner hit his kids, and then ex tried to commit suicide, dumped the kids on him permanently, to top it off his ex tried to get me in trouble at work. After all the trouble and standing by him, helping with the kids, my boyfriend decided he wasn't sure he had feelings for me and felt numb and finished it with me. But two weeks before the trouble started he had said how he felt about me, that i was his rock and we were good for each other. We have a mutual friend who came round the other night not knowing we had split to see both of us - my exboyfriend found out our friend had been round and now he wants to punch his lights out thinking our friend wants me. If he is jealous does this mean he really has feelings for me or is it that he doesn't want but doesn't want anyone else to have me.
VictorM's advice:
Well, people fall in and out of love with the same frequency and speed. Just because he said something two weeks ago doesn't mean he can't change. Obviously, he did.
The kind of "jealousy" you describe has nothing at all to do with feelings towards you. He's just pissed about being betrayed by a friend. Guys can be territorial, even if they don't care about the territory.
By: jacqui
Age: 33
Location: KENT
Question: I have been seeing an old school friend for 3 months. We were getting on amazingly until his ex wife and new partner caused no end of trouble over a period of three weeks. Over this period he put their house on the market and started divorce proceedings, his ex's new partner hit his kids, and then ex tried to commit suicide, dumped the kids on him permanently, to top it off his ex tried to get me in trouble at work. After all the trouble and standing by him, helping with the kids, my boyfriend decided he wasn't sure he had feelings for me and felt numb and finished it with me. But two weeks before the trouble started he had said how he felt about me, that i was his rock and we were good for each other. We have a mutual friend who came round the other night not knowing we had split to see both of us - my exboyfriend found out our friend had been round and now he wants to punch his lights out thinking our friend wants me. If he is jealous does this mean he really has feelings for me or is it that he doesn't want but doesn't want anyone else to have me.
VictorM's advice:
Well, people fall in and out of love with the same frequency and speed. Just because he said something two weeks ago doesn't mean he can't change. Obviously, he did.
The kind of "jealousy" you describe has nothing at all to do with feelings towards you. He's just pissed about being betrayed by a friend. Guys can be territorial, even if they don't care about the territory.
He drinks a lot
Submitted on Thursday, March 05, 2009
By: Solarstars
Age: 33
Location: Portland, Oregon
Question: 6 months later and seemingly in love... I wrote a while back (October) and must say your advise rang true. I have a boyfriend, who at first was hot and cold but we pretty much see each other every other day and eye to eye now. I mentioned before that he drinks alot but it doesn't seem to interfere with much, I like to drink too. but often the complaint i'm making today comes up after a few beers.
So I use to complain about him not texting me and now he does pretty well and sometimes I remark at how diligent he is at it and he says yeah" "cause I don't want you to be mad if don't I respond", I never said I was mad but sometimes would ask "why do ignore my text's" ?, I get it guys don't love to text but we rarely talk on the phone so that's how we stay in touch and he has a pre-paid phone.
We are a couple now and love each other and express it and say it often, his actions almost always tell me he's deeply involved, my issue still seems to be a hot and cold thing, yesterday we were hanging out and said "how do you put up with me?" and last night when we were being close I said I love you and his reply was "no, you probably just think you love me." he showers me with lots of positive talk like how he has never felt this way before and his love for me is something he has never felt, mind you we are 33 and 39, but he also reminds me frequently that he'll eventually end up hurting me cause he always ruins his relationships, and then later tell me just don't break my heart. I try to reassure him that I love him.
I txt him and try to keep up communication with him and then he'll tease me about blowing up his cell phone 2 txts about the blazer game and one concerning his drunk cousin who needs a ride, I communicate because I care, I'm not trying to pry or be annoying, it really hurts my feelings when he seems bothered by my communicating with him. I try to stroke his ego, I guess I need to know where the line is but come on, 3 texts in a day is not a lot. especially when he texts to see how my day is going.
It would seem he doubts what we have together, or that he deserves to be with me. I have told him I want him to be confident that we can work, i tell him all the things guys like to hear and he eats it up. I assume He thinks I could probably do better and seems to have not much self worth.
Can I do something to make us stronger or him more confident in himself? I flatter him often and stroke his ego, our sex life is indescribably awesome, amazing chemistry and that we strongly agree on. He often brings up critical questions and I answer truthfully like. One day he came buy and asked me if I saw him in my future and I replied yes and he seemed very happy with my answer then we made out! So I try to make it clear I care for him. I do love him, but how do I let down a little guard I have cause he's always casting doubt and then I wonder if I should have my doubts in a lasting relationship, I have plenty of trivial reasons to have concerns about a solid relationship but also I over analyze, I'm sure!
I love this man and want to see him happy. I just get tired of telling him I love him and he tells me too then throws up "oh, you'll get tired of me in another month or so." how can I continue to emotionally invest when these thought's linger, or i feel he doesn't expect much but knows he loves me very much, or is it possible he says them for reassurance because that's what he usually gets when he casts doubts and then reels me back in saying how special our love is, and that why I'm his girl.
VictorM's advice:
You want to continue believing that drinking a lot is not a problem, go ahead, but that's blatantly false. It affects his moods, his confidence (chances are his drinking is a by product of serious past problems he should be solving but instead drowns them), his concentration, his attention to you, his wallet, his brains, his liver, etc. He's killing himself. Not only are you being an enabler, you're bringing that lifestyle into your own. Anyway... his drinking, and the reasons leading him to it, is the problem. Until and unless that his fixed, nothing will chance.
I can't tell you anything else because what you're asking me is similar to asking me how can you stop a man from downing who jumped into the ocean wearing concrete shoes. The time to help was before he jumped into the water.
With a man like him, alcohol will always come first. You're totally secondary.
Seriously, I wish I could say something that would help you, but it's totally out of my league. Sorry.
By: Solarstars
Age: 33
Location: Portland, Oregon
Question: 6 months later and seemingly in love... I wrote a while back (October) and must say your advise rang true. I have a boyfriend, who at first was hot and cold but we pretty much see each other every other day and eye to eye now. I mentioned before that he drinks alot but it doesn't seem to interfere with much, I like to drink too. but often the complaint i'm making today comes up after a few beers.
So I use to complain about him not texting me and now he does pretty well and sometimes I remark at how diligent he is at it and he says yeah" "cause I don't want you to be mad if don't I respond", I never said I was mad but sometimes would ask "why do ignore my text's" ?, I get it guys don't love to text but we rarely talk on the phone so that's how we stay in touch and he has a pre-paid phone.
We are a couple now and love each other and express it and say it often, his actions almost always tell me he's deeply involved, my issue still seems to be a hot and cold thing, yesterday we were hanging out and said "how do you put up with me?" and last night when we were being close I said I love you and his reply was "no, you probably just think you love me." he showers me with lots of positive talk like how he has never felt this way before and his love for me is something he has never felt, mind you we are 33 and 39, but he also reminds me frequently that he'll eventually end up hurting me cause he always ruins his relationships, and then later tell me just don't break my heart. I try to reassure him that I love him.
I txt him and try to keep up communication with him and then he'll tease me about blowing up his cell phone 2 txts about the blazer game and one concerning his drunk cousin who needs a ride, I communicate because I care, I'm not trying to pry or be annoying, it really hurts my feelings when he seems bothered by my communicating with him. I try to stroke his ego, I guess I need to know where the line is but come on, 3 texts in a day is not a lot. especially when he texts to see how my day is going.
It would seem he doubts what we have together, or that he deserves to be with me. I have told him I want him to be confident that we can work, i tell him all the things guys like to hear and he eats it up. I assume He thinks I could probably do better and seems to have not much self worth.
Can I do something to make us stronger or him more confident in himself? I flatter him often and stroke his ego, our sex life is indescribably awesome, amazing chemistry and that we strongly agree on. He often brings up critical questions and I answer truthfully like. One day he came buy and asked me if I saw him in my future and I replied yes and he seemed very happy with my answer then we made out! So I try to make it clear I care for him. I do love him, but how do I let down a little guard I have cause he's always casting doubt and then I wonder if I should have my doubts in a lasting relationship, I have plenty of trivial reasons to have concerns about a solid relationship but also I over analyze, I'm sure!
I love this man and want to see him happy. I just get tired of telling him I love him and he tells me too then throws up "oh, you'll get tired of me in another month or so." how can I continue to emotionally invest when these thought's linger, or i feel he doesn't expect much but knows he loves me very much, or is it possible he says them for reassurance because that's what he usually gets when he casts doubts and then reels me back in saying how special our love is, and that why I'm his girl.
VictorM's advice:
You want to continue believing that drinking a lot is not a problem, go ahead, but that's blatantly false. It affects his moods, his confidence (chances are his drinking is a by product of serious past problems he should be solving but instead drowns them), his concentration, his attention to you, his wallet, his brains, his liver, etc. He's killing himself. Not only are you being an enabler, you're bringing that lifestyle into your own. Anyway... his drinking, and the reasons leading him to it, is the problem. Until and unless that his fixed, nothing will chance.
I can't tell you anything else because what you're asking me is similar to asking me how can you stop a man from downing who jumped into the ocean wearing concrete shoes. The time to help was before he jumped into the water.
With a man like him, alcohol will always come first. You're totally secondary.
Seriously, I wish I could say something that would help you, but it's totally out of my league. Sorry.
Friday, March 06, 2009
He kissed about seven girls
Submitted on Thursday, March 05, 2009
By: Louise
Age: 16
Location: Scotland
Question: Okay like two days ago i got told by a few friends that my boyfriend had kissed another girl. I wasn't sure what to think because although he admitted it he said it was a game . That confused me even more! Is he really just doing it because it's a game or is he just not being fateful. Oh and by the way he kissed about seven girls.
VictorM's advice:
A game? Can you say bullshit? I doubt he'd think it would be fine if you kissed seven boys, game or no game.
I don't know about it being unfaithfulness, if in fact it was some kind of game and he told you about it, but clearly at a minimum he was disrespectful to you because he had to know you wouldn't like it.
By: Louise
Age: 16
Location: Scotland
Question: Okay like two days ago i got told by a few friends that my boyfriend had kissed another girl. I wasn't sure what to think because although he admitted it he said it was a game . That confused me even more! Is he really just doing it because it's a game or is he just not being fateful. Oh and by the way he kissed about seven girls.
VictorM's advice:
A game? Can you say bullshit? I doubt he'd think it would be fine if you kissed seven boys, game or no game.
I don't know about it being unfaithfulness, if in fact it was some kind of game and he told you about it, but clearly at a minimum he was disrespectful to you because he had to know you wouldn't like it.
I told him I had Herpes
Submitted on Thursday, March 05, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 34
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Question: I have been dating a guy who's my same age for a month and a half now. One night when we were making out, I told him I had Herpes. He told me that he thought I had great character and was impressed that I told him about it. It didn't seem to bother him too much in the moment but about a week later we started making out, and we had sex (he used a condom) but about 4 minutes into it, he had to stop and said he needed to talk about my disease more before he could move on. This was about 2 weeks after our first date. A few days later we sat at the computer and researched the disease, talked about it and found out what the odds of him contracting it were, which are pretty slim.
So we've still been dating since then and everything has been going great, I really like this guy, and he knows that; and he seems to really like me. We went out the other night and he told me he doesn't think he's going to be able to get over the fact about my disease and hates using a condom with people he really cares about. (it's not as personal and doesn't feel as good) I asked him if he was just using that story as an excuse because he just wants to be friends, but he denied that. He told me that he was talking to a friend who's a girl about it because she has the same disease and that her boyfriend doesn't have it and they have unprotected sex and he still hasn't contracted it, but he still feels like he's not going to be able to get over it, he can't get excited in the moment because it's all he can think about. I told him I would be willing to take a pill daily to further prevent the transmission of it, and I would be willing to do anything I could to save what we have. I told him maybe we should wait longer and maybe he'll change his mind. I guess we never really came up with a conclusion, what should I do? I don't wanna lose this guy. How can I make him change his mind about getting to the next level with me?
VictorM's advice:
Kudos to you for being upfront about the herpes. And kudos to him for being honest about his reservations. You both sound like sensible people, so I'd advise you to go beyond information on the internet and consult a doctor, or two. Get as much accurate information as you can from the most reliable sources available to you. I think education is your best hope to have him commit to you.
I can understand his reservations about using condoms. They are fine for many reasons but they do interfere with the pleasure of making love. And that is a huge part of a healthy relationship.
By: Sarah
Age: 34
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Question: I have been dating a guy who's my same age for a month and a half now. One night when we were making out, I told him I had Herpes. He told me that he thought I had great character and was impressed that I told him about it. It didn't seem to bother him too much in the moment but about a week later we started making out, and we had sex (he used a condom) but about 4 minutes into it, he had to stop and said he needed to talk about my disease more before he could move on. This was about 2 weeks after our first date. A few days later we sat at the computer and researched the disease, talked about it and found out what the odds of him contracting it were, which are pretty slim.
So we've still been dating since then and everything has been going great, I really like this guy, and he knows that; and he seems to really like me. We went out the other night and he told me he doesn't think he's going to be able to get over the fact about my disease and hates using a condom with people he really cares about. (it's not as personal and doesn't feel as good) I asked him if he was just using that story as an excuse because he just wants to be friends, but he denied that. He told me that he was talking to a friend who's a girl about it because she has the same disease and that her boyfriend doesn't have it and they have unprotected sex and he still hasn't contracted it, but he still feels like he's not going to be able to get over it, he can't get excited in the moment because it's all he can think about. I told him I would be willing to take a pill daily to further prevent the transmission of it, and I would be willing to do anything I could to save what we have. I told him maybe we should wait longer and maybe he'll change his mind. I guess we never really came up with a conclusion, what should I do? I don't wanna lose this guy. How can I make him change his mind about getting to the next level with me?
VictorM's advice:
Kudos to you for being upfront about the herpes. And kudos to him for being honest about his reservations. You both sound like sensible people, so I'd advise you to go beyond information on the internet and consult a doctor, or two. Get as much accurate information as you can from the most reliable sources available to you. I think education is your best hope to have him commit to you.
I can understand his reservations about using condoms. They are fine for many reasons but they do interfere with the pleasure of making love. And that is a huge part of a healthy relationship.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
I met a great guy at a local bar
Submitted on Wednesday, March 04, 2009
By: Caitlyn
Age: 25
Location: Atlanta, GA
Question: Last year, I met a great guy at a local bar. We hit it off immediately and exchanged numbers. At the time I was going through a difficult break-up with a long-distance boyfriend. So, I didn't see the problem of going out to coffee with the guy. I wanted to get my mind off what was happening and meet new people. We had a great time and I wanted to hang out again. Unfortunately, the very next week I lost my phone and his number... and had to change mine. So there was no way to contact him or for him to contact me. I just gave up.
So, months later, after the official break-up with my ex. I run into the same guy at the same bar. I apologize for everything and gave him my number again. He called the very next day. We hung out that night. It was great. We continued to hang out for awhile and he even spent the night once. Things were going great.
However, a couple of weeks into the dating process, I became confused. Two guy friends came forward to say that they liked me and wanted to pursue a relationship. One of which I had developed a crush for. On top of that, my ex sent me some very expensive gifts and was sending me mixed signals. This all happened within one week too. Suddenly I went from a girl having fun getting to know a great guy, to girl having to chose between 4. Some would say I was lucky, but truthfully it's not fun. It was all too much to handle. I did the unthinkable and just didn't return the poor guy's calls. Under the pressure, it made sense. Now, looking back I see that it was a jerk move.
After I took a break from the dating scene I started seeing the friend that I had a crush on. He was the most persistent, as well as the shoulder I cried on. It made sense then. However, it has fizzled, cause I realized my heart just wasn't in it.
Here's the thing, I still think of this guy all the time. I only dated him for a couple of weeks and hardly know him, but I liked him. I think I made a mistake by not calling him back. I still have his number, and I'm thinking of calling. He probably thinks I'm an ass or doesn't think of me at all. But I don't know what to do. Should I call him? I would have loved to see where things would have gone with him, but I'm afraid it's too late. Please let me know what to do. How would I posibly explain not calling back? If anything, I have atleast learned the lesson of not burning anymore bridges. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
"I just needed time to sort things out."
That's all you need to tell him when you call and if he asks. Do NOT get into explanations, do NOT mention going out with the guy you had a crush on, nothing about other guys (guys really don't like to hear about other guys). Then proceed as if nothing has happened.
And do not sound defensive or too apologetic. That only makes you weak and gives him too much control. The truth is that you were not a couple and you owe him no explanations. That's the way it works in guy world.
But call him. Guys aren't as analytic as females. He'll be polite at a minimum, and if he's still single, probably happy to hear from you.
By: Caitlyn
Age: 25
Location: Atlanta, GA
Question: Last year, I met a great guy at a local bar. We hit it off immediately and exchanged numbers. At the time I was going through a difficult break-up with a long-distance boyfriend. So, I didn't see the problem of going out to coffee with the guy. I wanted to get my mind off what was happening and meet new people. We had a great time and I wanted to hang out again. Unfortunately, the very next week I lost my phone and his number... and had to change mine. So there was no way to contact him or for him to contact me. I just gave up.
So, months later, after the official break-up with my ex. I run into the same guy at the same bar. I apologize for everything and gave him my number again. He called the very next day. We hung out that night. It was great. We continued to hang out for awhile and he even spent the night once. Things were going great.
However, a couple of weeks into the dating process, I became confused. Two guy friends came forward to say that they liked me and wanted to pursue a relationship. One of which I had developed a crush for. On top of that, my ex sent me some very expensive gifts and was sending me mixed signals. This all happened within one week too. Suddenly I went from a girl having fun getting to know a great guy, to girl having to chose between 4. Some would say I was lucky, but truthfully it's not fun. It was all too much to handle. I did the unthinkable and just didn't return the poor guy's calls. Under the pressure, it made sense. Now, looking back I see that it was a jerk move.
After I took a break from the dating scene I started seeing the friend that I had a crush on. He was the most persistent, as well as the shoulder I cried on. It made sense then. However, it has fizzled, cause I realized my heart just wasn't in it.
Here's the thing, I still think of this guy all the time. I only dated him for a couple of weeks and hardly know him, but I liked him. I think I made a mistake by not calling him back. I still have his number, and I'm thinking of calling. He probably thinks I'm an ass or doesn't think of me at all. But I don't know what to do. Should I call him? I would have loved to see where things would have gone with him, but I'm afraid it's too late. Please let me know what to do. How would I posibly explain not calling back? If anything, I have atleast learned the lesson of not burning anymore bridges. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
"I just needed time to sort things out."
That's all you need to tell him when you call and if he asks. Do NOT get into explanations, do NOT mention going out with the guy you had a crush on, nothing about other guys (guys really don't like to hear about other guys). Then proceed as if nothing has happened.
And do not sound defensive or too apologetic. That only makes you weak and gives him too much control. The truth is that you were not a couple and you owe him no explanations. That's the way it works in guy world.
But call him. Guys aren't as analytic as females. He'll be polite at a minimum, and if he's still single, probably happy to hear from you.
My boyfriend and I just separated
Submitted on Wednesday, March 04, 2009
By: Ann
Age: 29
Location: Kentucky
Question: My boyfriend and I just separated. He's given me the ultimatum to choose between him or my best friend (who is also a male and is also an ex-boyfriend). This friend has been a best friend to me for 10 years, but all my boyfriend can see is that he thinks the friend is trying to come between us. I've told him that will only happen if you let it, and he has now let it. He says that this friend is trying to cause problems so he can get me back, but I assure him that I never was nor never will be in love with this friend. I feel like he doesn't trust me. I posed the following statement to him "If you trust me, then it doesn't matter how all the other guys feel about me in my life." He said that is true, with the exception of this one friend. I don't know what to think. All of my friends tell me that he's controlling and that I need to lose him, but I love him like I've loved no other. He gets angry when any male starts talking to me, but is the worst with my best friend. I don't want to give up on this relationship, but I'm afraid all of my friends are right...and they've witnessed this firsthand. Thanks for advice.
VictorM's advice:
You know, these statements contradict: "He said that is true, with the exception of this one friend" and "He gets angry when any male starts talking to me."
You're making excuses for a guy who will only get worst and more controlling over time.
I posted the following in the argville forum in reply to a question similar to yours, and I post it here because it applies to you:
Dating is a process of adjusting to each other, true, but it's also a process of identifying red flags and recognizing when a partner is just wrong for you, no matter what your feelings for him/her are. Some people are just too toxic, too flawed for us to expect them to be a partner in happiness. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, what we should be talking about is: what's holding you back from dumping this guy and choosing the people who are positive influences in your life?
By: Ann
Age: 29
Location: Kentucky
Question: My boyfriend and I just separated. He's given me the ultimatum to choose between him or my best friend (who is also a male and is also an ex-boyfriend). This friend has been a best friend to me for 10 years, but all my boyfriend can see is that he thinks the friend is trying to come between us. I've told him that will only happen if you let it, and he has now let it. He says that this friend is trying to cause problems so he can get me back, but I assure him that I never was nor never will be in love with this friend. I feel like he doesn't trust me. I posed the following statement to him "If you trust me, then it doesn't matter how all the other guys feel about me in my life." He said that is true, with the exception of this one friend. I don't know what to think. All of my friends tell me that he's controlling and that I need to lose him, but I love him like I've loved no other. He gets angry when any male starts talking to me, but is the worst with my best friend. I don't want to give up on this relationship, but I'm afraid all of my friends are right...and they've witnessed this firsthand. Thanks for advice.
VictorM's advice:
You know, these statements contradict: "He said that is true, with the exception of this one friend" and "He gets angry when any male starts talking to me."
You're making excuses for a guy who will only get worst and more controlling over time.
I posted the following in the argville forum in reply to a question similar to yours, and I post it here because it applies to you:
Dating is a process of adjusting to each other, true, but it's also a process of identifying red flags and recognizing when a partner is just wrong for you, no matter what your feelings for him/her are. Some people are just too toxic, too flawed for us to expect them to be a partner in happiness. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, what we should be talking about is: what's holding you back from dumping this guy and choosing the people who are positive influences in your life?
I've been struggling with a lot lately
Submitted on Wednesday, March 04, 2009
By: Leesuh
Age: 19
Location: washington
Question: Hello Victor, I've been struggling with a lot lately and I really need your advice. I met Nelson when I was 11 years old (7th grade) and I had a crush on him ever since. I ALWAYS liked him no matter who I dated and every time he came around I would get the butterflies in my stomach. I had been involved in two long-term (2 years) relationships, with both of his best friends, he even dated my friend, but I always had feelings for Nelson and somehow, even years ago, I always knew that I was going to date him eventually.
Nelson and I remained friends for 6 years, and it wasn't until the summer before senior year when sparks flew. we finally ended up dating in August of 2008. I guess it was weird to him because we had been friends for so long that he didn't know how to be a good boyfriend to me. he ended up breaking up with me in November because he felt like our relationship was based more on a friendship. Although I disagreed with his decision, I accepted it and started dating other people.
Nelson and I decided to remain good friends, but my feelings for him never went away. It wasnt until one random night in March when he confessed his feelings for me. He admitted how he regretted ending things with me, how he was sorry for hurting me, and how he never got over me or felt this way about somebody before. I was completely in shock because Nelson is the type of guy who hides his feelings and never expresses his emotions ever. When he spilled out his feelings for me, it was a side of Nelson that I had never seen in the 6 years I knew him. Then in April, we decided to call it official again. Everything was perfect. He told me he fell in love with me, and all his friends could tell. He would call me all day and night, want to hang out, and treat me the way I should be treated. Something I never got from him before.
Well summer came along and our senior trip to Mexico came about in middle June. I was suppose to go but I got extremely sick and was not able to. A couple days prior to his take off date, he was worried that while he was gone, I would fall for my exboyfriend of two years. I kept reassuring him that I would still love him when he got back from his trip, but he just wouldnt let it go. The last thing he said to me in person was "something just doesn't feel right, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to you forever and I don't want to leave you. I don't even want to go on this trip because it just doesn't feel right, I love you." I guess I was annoyed because he kept enforcing the fact that something wasn't right, and that he didn't think I was going to be faithful to him when I knew nothing was going to happen. Boy was I wrong.
The first 2 days he was in Mexico, he would call and text me to say I miss you and I love you. Because I was still aggravated, I replied slow, and short. On the third day out of the 8 days he was in Mexico, I didn't hear anything from him the whole day. I freaked out, thought he was mad, and texted him saying "Nelson I cant do this anymore, I miss you too much and I'm sorry" I think my aggravation was a mixture of annoyance and jealousy because I had a ticket for that trip as well but couldn't go due to being ill. He never replied back to me that night, so the next day I called him. He seemed surprised, and I asked him what was wrong and he said "you broke up with me last night". I was completely in shock, because I didn't, but according to him, because of the long distance and bad cell phone connection, he only received the text that said "Nelson I cant do this anymore." After I reassured him that I sent more to that text, and confirmed we were still together, I didn't hear from him for the rest of his trip.
Im a girl and I'm not an idiot, I knew something was wrong so I asked my friends that were in Mexico with him. They said that they read the text I sent him, they saw that I broke up with him and that he was extremely upset over it. They also informed me that because he was upset, literally, the hottest girl in school (who always was attracted to nelson), went to comfort him, and they have been hooking up ever since. I was devastated. He had four more days in Mexico, in a different country, I couldn't see him, and mostly, he was with another girl, on the trip that I should've been on with him.
As soon as he got home from his trip, he told me everything that happened and apologized to me over and over again. He said how it was a misunderstanding and if he didn't think I broke up with him none of this would've happened. He also admitted he now has feelings for this other girl as well as myself and he didn't know what to do. I did the only thing I could do and broke up with him. a couple weeks later, him and this girl began dating until she left for college in September. They still see each other whenever she is in town and from what Ive heard, hes obsessed with her.
I have fallen for Nelson when I was 11 years old. I'm now 19, and I still think about him everyday. Although I haven't seen him in a while and its been 9 months since we broke up, there's something about him I cant get over. Maybe its because we ended in an unfair situation, or because I feel like were still meant to be. I was so happy when I was with him and he always reassured me he was too. I know if it wasn't for that one text message, none of this would've happened. Or if I never got sick, none of it would've happened. I know this is pathetic and I've tried so hard to get over him but something always brings me right back to square one.
So I need to know, do you think its really over? That there is no chance of us getting back together because he found a hotter and overall better girl? Is he really over me after liking me for an entire year and after ending things for no probable cause on my part? And if it really is over how do I move on from this 8 year long crush? I know when people leave their loved ones for another is usually because their loved ones did something wrong or did something to drive them away. I know I didn't do anything to drive Nelson away, because until that text message was sent, everything was perfect.
It's been so long and I've never been able to find someone who makes me feel the way he does. Please help me Victor. Thank you :(
VictorM's advice:
Quite a few things to address here:
-- He didn't find a "hotter and overall better girl," he simply felt a stronger romantic chemistry with her; it has nothing to do with hotter or better.
-- Yes, it's over. But it always was. He as never really into you. He tried, but he was never into you romantically, which explains the early years of dating others, in the earlier break-up, and how perfect he seemed to be the second time around -- he was just trying too hard, probably trying to convince himself. But he never had romantic feelings for you (I don't mean to imply he lied. Chances are he has never realized it himself).
-- Oh, the Mexico incident would have happened, no matter what. Maybe not in the Mexico trip, but come on, it was going to happen sooner or later. The text message had nothing to do with it. His funny feeling about the trip was projection. And even if you had gone on the Mexico trip, the best that could have happened would be a delay of the inevitable.
-- Not getting over your first love is quite common. There's a good chance you'll meet someone new who you will fall in love with, probably in a more mature way, but your first love always stays with you. And it's a good sign. What kind of person would you be if your love for others was like toilet paper (use and discard)? Instead of thinking of your lingering feelings for Nelson as a negative, think of it as a positive. Not only does it reflect your loving and caring nature, but a person who loved deeply once is more likely than others to love deeply again.
Nelson tried, but you are not his "the one." Because of him, you know how being in love can be wonderful. Trust me when I say this: Nelson is not the only one who can make you feel this way. So while you go on finding your next "the one," don't worry about holding on to your fondest memories of love -- they just signal that you're a really good human.
By: Leesuh
Age: 19
Location: washington
Question: Hello Victor, I've been struggling with a lot lately and I really need your advice. I met Nelson when I was 11 years old (7th grade) and I had a crush on him ever since. I ALWAYS liked him no matter who I dated and every time he came around I would get the butterflies in my stomach. I had been involved in two long-term (2 years) relationships, with both of his best friends, he even dated my friend, but I always had feelings for Nelson and somehow, even years ago, I always knew that I was going to date him eventually.
Nelson and I remained friends for 6 years, and it wasn't until the summer before senior year when sparks flew. we finally ended up dating in August of 2008. I guess it was weird to him because we had been friends for so long that he didn't know how to be a good boyfriend to me. he ended up breaking up with me in November because he felt like our relationship was based more on a friendship. Although I disagreed with his decision, I accepted it and started dating other people.
Nelson and I decided to remain good friends, but my feelings for him never went away. It wasnt until one random night in March when he confessed his feelings for me. He admitted how he regretted ending things with me, how he was sorry for hurting me, and how he never got over me or felt this way about somebody before. I was completely in shock because Nelson is the type of guy who hides his feelings and never expresses his emotions ever. When he spilled out his feelings for me, it was a side of Nelson that I had never seen in the 6 years I knew him. Then in April, we decided to call it official again. Everything was perfect. He told me he fell in love with me, and all his friends could tell. He would call me all day and night, want to hang out, and treat me the way I should be treated. Something I never got from him before.
Well summer came along and our senior trip to Mexico came about in middle June. I was suppose to go but I got extremely sick and was not able to. A couple days prior to his take off date, he was worried that while he was gone, I would fall for my exboyfriend of two years. I kept reassuring him that I would still love him when he got back from his trip, but he just wouldnt let it go. The last thing he said to me in person was "something just doesn't feel right, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to you forever and I don't want to leave you. I don't even want to go on this trip because it just doesn't feel right, I love you." I guess I was annoyed because he kept enforcing the fact that something wasn't right, and that he didn't think I was going to be faithful to him when I knew nothing was going to happen. Boy was I wrong.
The first 2 days he was in Mexico, he would call and text me to say I miss you and I love you. Because I was still aggravated, I replied slow, and short. On the third day out of the 8 days he was in Mexico, I didn't hear anything from him the whole day. I freaked out, thought he was mad, and texted him saying "Nelson I cant do this anymore, I miss you too much and I'm sorry" I think my aggravation was a mixture of annoyance and jealousy because I had a ticket for that trip as well but couldn't go due to being ill. He never replied back to me that night, so the next day I called him. He seemed surprised, and I asked him what was wrong and he said "you broke up with me last night". I was completely in shock, because I didn't, but according to him, because of the long distance and bad cell phone connection, he only received the text that said "Nelson I cant do this anymore." After I reassured him that I sent more to that text, and confirmed we were still together, I didn't hear from him for the rest of his trip.
Im a girl and I'm not an idiot, I knew something was wrong so I asked my friends that were in Mexico with him. They said that they read the text I sent him, they saw that I broke up with him and that he was extremely upset over it. They also informed me that because he was upset, literally, the hottest girl in school (who always was attracted to nelson), went to comfort him, and they have been hooking up ever since. I was devastated. He had four more days in Mexico, in a different country, I couldn't see him, and mostly, he was with another girl, on the trip that I should've been on with him.
As soon as he got home from his trip, he told me everything that happened and apologized to me over and over again. He said how it was a misunderstanding and if he didn't think I broke up with him none of this would've happened. He also admitted he now has feelings for this other girl as well as myself and he didn't know what to do. I did the only thing I could do and broke up with him. a couple weeks later, him and this girl began dating until she left for college in September. They still see each other whenever she is in town and from what Ive heard, hes obsessed with her.
I have fallen for Nelson when I was 11 years old. I'm now 19, and I still think about him everyday. Although I haven't seen him in a while and its been 9 months since we broke up, there's something about him I cant get over. Maybe its because we ended in an unfair situation, or because I feel like were still meant to be. I was so happy when I was with him and he always reassured me he was too. I know if it wasn't for that one text message, none of this would've happened. Or if I never got sick, none of it would've happened. I know this is pathetic and I've tried so hard to get over him but something always brings me right back to square one.
So I need to know, do you think its really over? That there is no chance of us getting back together because he found a hotter and overall better girl? Is he really over me after liking me for an entire year and after ending things for no probable cause on my part? And if it really is over how do I move on from this 8 year long crush? I know when people leave their loved ones for another is usually because their loved ones did something wrong or did something to drive them away. I know I didn't do anything to drive Nelson away, because until that text message was sent, everything was perfect.
It's been so long and I've never been able to find someone who makes me feel the way he does. Please help me Victor. Thank you :(
VictorM's advice:
Quite a few things to address here:
-- He didn't find a "hotter and overall better girl," he simply felt a stronger romantic chemistry with her; it has nothing to do with hotter or better.
-- Yes, it's over. But it always was. He as never really into you. He tried, but he was never into you romantically, which explains the early years of dating others, in the earlier break-up, and how perfect he seemed to be the second time around -- he was just trying too hard, probably trying to convince himself. But he never had romantic feelings for you (I don't mean to imply he lied. Chances are he has never realized it himself).
-- Oh, the Mexico incident would have happened, no matter what. Maybe not in the Mexico trip, but come on, it was going to happen sooner or later. The text message had nothing to do with it. His funny feeling about the trip was projection. And even if you had gone on the Mexico trip, the best that could have happened would be a delay of the inevitable.
-- Not getting over your first love is quite common. There's a good chance you'll meet someone new who you will fall in love with, probably in a more mature way, but your first love always stays with you. And it's a good sign. What kind of person would you be if your love for others was like toilet paper (use and discard)? Instead of thinking of your lingering feelings for Nelson as a negative, think of it as a positive. Not only does it reflect your loving and caring nature, but a person who loved deeply once is more likely than others to love deeply again.
Nelson tried, but you are not his "the one." Because of him, you know how being in love can be wonderful. Trust me when I say this: Nelson is not the only one who can make you feel this way. So while you go on finding your next "the one," don't worry about holding on to your fondest memories of love -- they just signal that you're a really good human.
Same sense of humor
Submitted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009
By: Jen
Age: 19
Location: Montana
Question: I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks and I really like him; we have a lot in common and he's gorgeous. However, I find it hard to make jokes around him because I'm still nervous talking to him and I'm not sure what he thinks is funny. This has me confused and somewhat frustrated because having a similar sense of humor is important to me. Should I keep easing into jokes and "testing the waters," so to speak? Should I have not engaged in this relationship without knowing if we have the same sense of humor?
VictorM's advice:
I agree that similar sense of humor is important, but how else would you find out unless you keep seeing him? I'm sure there are many other things were similarity is important but you'll only find out in time, such as sexual preferences, for example.
In my match.com profile, for example, I have the following line about the person who would be a good fit for me: "You love to laugh and aren’t easily offended by crass humor; you think Borat and 40-Year Old Virgin were funny movies." I think this is a good way of giving people a clue about my sense of humor*. How about you picking some movies that you have found very funny and view them with him to see if he shares your opinion?
* It's not important that she like those 2 particular movies, it just makes it clear what my sense of humor is.
By: Jen
Age: 19
Location: Montana
Question: I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks and I really like him; we have a lot in common and he's gorgeous. However, I find it hard to make jokes around him because I'm still nervous talking to him and I'm not sure what he thinks is funny. This has me confused and somewhat frustrated because having a similar sense of humor is important to me. Should I keep easing into jokes and "testing the waters," so to speak? Should I have not engaged in this relationship without knowing if we have the same sense of humor?
VictorM's advice:
I agree that similar sense of humor is important, but how else would you find out unless you keep seeing him? I'm sure there are many other things were similarity is important but you'll only find out in time, such as sexual preferences, for example.
In my match.com profile, for example, I have the following line about the person who would be a good fit for me: "You love to laugh and aren’t easily offended by crass humor; you think Borat and 40-Year Old Virgin were funny movies." I think this is a good way of giving people a clue about my sense of humor*. How about you picking some movies that you have found very funny and view them with him to see if he shares your opinion?
* It's not important that she like those 2 particular movies, it just makes it clear what my sense of humor is.
I met someone on a dating website
Submitted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009
By: Crystal
Age: 46
Location: Arkansas
Question: I met someone on a dating website. He lived in another state and I visited him last spring. He took me to meet his mother, showed me the town where he lived, and took me out to his grandmother's old property to see where he grew up. I went home and we communicated over the summer. He signed his e-mails "Kisses". When I asked when he was going to deliver those kisses, he said he would deliver them in person. He encouraged me to move to his state. In the fall I lost my job and he said I should move now and he would come and help me drive, which he did. He rented me a small furnished apartment at a very good price. He gave me advice that helped me with my finances. Now I'm buying a house and he is repairing the plumbing and the water lines. From things he says, he plans to stay involved and help with such things in the future as well. All this -- and yet he has never once flirted with me in person or said or done anything that indicates any interest other than a friend. Can you explain this from a guy's point of view?
VictorM's advice:
I think he started open to the possibility of romance, but has since realized, with more contact, that that's not going to happen. He continues to help you out of niceness and/or guilt.
By: Crystal
Age: 46
Location: Arkansas
Question: I met someone on a dating website. He lived in another state and I visited him last spring. He took me to meet his mother, showed me the town where he lived, and took me out to his grandmother's old property to see where he grew up. I went home and we communicated over the summer. He signed his e-mails "Kisses". When I asked when he was going to deliver those kisses, he said he would deliver them in person. He encouraged me to move to his state. In the fall I lost my job and he said I should move now and he would come and help me drive, which he did. He rented me a small furnished apartment at a very good price. He gave me advice that helped me with my finances. Now I'm buying a house and he is repairing the plumbing and the water lines. From things he says, he plans to stay involved and help with such things in the future as well. All this -- and yet he has never once flirted with me in person or said or done anything that indicates any interest other than a friend. Can you explain this from a guy's point of view?
VictorM's advice:
I think he started open to the possibility of romance, but has since realized, with more contact, that that's not going to happen. He continues to help you out of niceness and/or guilt.
I am failing at it
Submitted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009
By: Stephanie
Age: 19
Location: Arizona
Question: Okay, I'm going to lay this out objectively and leave the interpretation up to you because I am failing at it... met a guy at a volunteer thing about a year ago. we talked a lot and discovered we had similar interests so at the end of the day, I asked if he wanted to hang out sometime and we exchanged numbers. Two days later he called and asked if he could come over. We ended up hanging out every day for 3 months... up until the morning he had to move back to his home state. In that 3 month span, I developed feelings for him but never verbalized it. We never kissed but I had a toothbrush and pillow at his house and we would sleep in his bed but never touch. He became very close with my roommates, friends, and spent a holiday with my family. He told me he had never felt more comfortable around a girl, that I was exactly the type of girl everyone would expect him to be with, but also that since he was moving soon, he told himself he wouldn't get into anything. So he moves away and I visited him once a few states away and it was the first time he let anyone come and stay at his house. Met his family, had a blast, went home. 6 months go by and I saw him again. He apologized for having never cuddled with me when we slept together and said his friends really wanted him to date me. When I asked him what the problem was he said "you were so not ready for a relationship" (I used to be very detached... or at least pretend to be). He has a gf now and I would never do anything to interfere but I've definitely gotten over the detachment thing and still have feelings. Advice?
VictorM's advice:
You were comfortable, easygoing, non-threatening, pleasant, fun to be with... but there was no passion, no friction, no sexual tension, no fire under his loins. Fine as a friend, but nothing more.
Pretty much ignore anything he says now; he'll say whatever it takes to get by the process of telling you that he simply isn't into you without being that blunt.
Enjoy the memories but he's in the past. Don't waste any more time dwelling about it. Make new friends.
By: Stephanie
Age: 19
Location: Arizona
Question: Okay, I'm going to lay this out objectively and leave the interpretation up to you because I am failing at it... met a guy at a volunteer thing about a year ago. we talked a lot and discovered we had similar interests so at the end of the day, I asked if he wanted to hang out sometime and we exchanged numbers. Two days later he called and asked if he could come over. We ended up hanging out every day for 3 months... up until the morning he had to move back to his home state. In that 3 month span, I developed feelings for him but never verbalized it. We never kissed but I had a toothbrush and pillow at his house and we would sleep in his bed but never touch. He became very close with my roommates, friends, and spent a holiday with my family. He told me he had never felt more comfortable around a girl, that I was exactly the type of girl everyone would expect him to be with, but also that since he was moving soon, he told himself he wouldn't get into anything. So he moves away and I visited him once a few states away and it was the first time he let anyone come and stay at his house. Met his family, had a blast, went home. 6 months go by and I saw him again. He apologized for having never cuddled with me when we slept together and said his friends really wanted him to date me. When I asked him what the problem was he said "you were so not ready for a relationship" (I used to be very detached... or at least pretend to be). He has a gf now and I would never do anything to interfere but I've definitely gotten over the detachment thing and still have feelings. Advice?
VictorM's advice:
You were comfortable, easygoing, non-threatening, pleasant, fun to be with... but there was no passion, no friction, no sexual tension, no fire under his loins. Fine as a friend, but nothing more.
Pretty much ignore anything he says now; he'll say whatever it takes to get by the process of telling you that he simply isn't into you without being that blunt.
Enjoy the memories but he's in the past. Don't waste any more time dwelling about it. Make new friends.
My boyfriend is making me decide
Submitted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009
By: Clara
Age: 29
Location: Virginia
Question: How come my boyfriend is making me decide either to be with him and lose my best guy friend who is 20 years older than me, or to be with my best guy friend and it's over between us? I lost my father and my best guy friend has helped in so many ways. He is like a father to me. Why does my boyfriend not understand this? It's really gross to think I would mess around with my best guy friend.
VictorM's advice:
From the mind of a guy, it's not gross; it happens all the time. That, of course, says more about his mind and what he thinks about sex than it says about your behavior (look up "psychological projection" -- read the Overview section).
Why is he making you choose? Because he's a controlling, selfish, insecure, manipulative, distrustful man. And if he's this way now, it'll only get worse over time.
Your choice may be painful, but it's quite an easy one -- choose the friends... unless you want to lose your individuality and live in perpetual hell.
By: Clara
Age: 29
Location: Virginia
Question: How come my boyfriend is making me decide either to be with him and lose my best guy friend who is 20 years older than me, or to be with my best guy friend and it's over between us? I lost my father and my best guy friend has helped in so many ways. He is like a father to me. Why does my boyfriend not understand this? It's really gross to think I would mess around with my best guy friend.
VictorM's advice:
From the mind of a guy, it's not gross; it happens all the time. That, of course, says more about his mind and what he thinks about sex than it says about your behavior (look up "psychological projection" -- read the Overview section).
Why is he making you choose? Because he's a controlling, selfish, insecure, manipulative, distrustful man. And if he's this way now, it'll only get worse over time.
Your choice may be painful, but it's quite an easy one -- choose the friends... unless you want to lose your individuality and live in perpetual hell.
So I like this guy
Submitted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009
By: Jane
Age: 19
Location: Hamilton, Canada
Question: Hi, so I like this guy. lol, this is how all stories start aren't they... well this guy and myself have been talking a lot for about 5 months. I was super confused about what exactly was going on, so before our reading week, I talked to him just to get a feel on what he was thinking. Well we talked and he told be that he doesn't feel anything more than friendship right now, (he has also had some bad relationships in the past - emotional baggage stuff). So this isn't what's confusing me...
Basically, I am confused by his current behaviour. He knows that I like him (I explicitly told him this after our conversation via email). Now we talk way more than we did before, hang out more than we did before, and he asked me to teach him how to play the guitar, I feel like I am spending all of this time with him and it kind of hurts but is fun at the same time.
What should i think? Is my "girl" mind over analyzing the situation and making up something that isn't there? Does he think that since we had this chat and sorted out our situation that we can just be buddy-buddy now, and that I'm over him?
I have no idea what I should be doing or even worrying about?. Help lol
VictorM's advice:
Once a girl confesses to a boy that she likes him romantically, and he doesn't feel the same way about her, one of two reactions are most common: he either runs for the hills and avoids her at all costs, or he seeks more of her company because nothing strokes a guy's ego like a girl liking him more than he likes her. He's simply basking in the glory of knowing that you crave his company. That strokes his ego and boosts his self-esteem.
So really, this is all about him.What you might be thinking is not something that factors into the equation. He'll seek your company as long as it makes him feel good and you don't push the romance angle.
As to what you should do... as long as you enjoy his company, and as long as you don't think it means it will lead somewhere, keep it up -- it is possible that he'll fall for you. But if you think this means he's into you now, you might be disappointed.
By: Jane
Age: 19
Location: Hamilton, Canada
Question: Hi, so I like this guy. lol, this is how all stories start aren't they... well this guy and myself have been talking a lot for about 5 months. I was super confused about what exactly was going on, so before our reading week, I talked to him just to get a feel on what he was thinking. Well we talked and he told be that he doesn't feel anything more than friendship right now, (he has also had some bad relationships in the past - emotional baggage stuff). So this isn't what's confusing me...
Basically, I am confused by his current behaviour. He knows that I like him (I explicitly told him this after our conversation via email). Now we talk way more than we did before, hang out more than we did before, and he asked me to teach him how to play the guitar, I feel like I am spending all of this time with him and it kind of hurts but is fun at the same time.
What should i think? Is my "girl" mind over analyzing the situation and making up something that isn't there? Does he think that since we had this chat and sorted out our situation that we can just be buddy-buddy now, and that I'm over him?
I have no idea what I should be doing or even worrying about?. Help lol
VictorM's advice:
Once a girl confesses to a boy that she likes him romantically, and he doesn't feel the same way about her, one of two reactions are most common: he either runs for the hills and avoids her at all costs, or he seeks more of her company because nothing strokes a guy's ego like a girl liking him more than he likes her. He's simply basking in the glory of knowing that you crave his company. That strokes his ego and boosts his self-esteem.
So really, this is all about him.What you might be thinking is not something that factors into the equation. He'll seek your company as long as it makes him feel good and you don't push the romance angle.
As to what you should do... as long as you enjoy his company, and as long as you don't think it means it will lead somewhere, keep it up -- it is possible that he'll fall for you. But if you think this means he's into you now, you might be disappointed.
A question about friendship
Submitted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009
By: maggie
Age: 15
Location: louisville
Question: please answer this as soon as possible! :(
ok so i have a question about friendship, rather than a relationship of the boyfriend/girlfriend variety. so there's this guy who i had a first semester class with (we no longer have this class as it was a semester-long course and it's now second semester). in class, we talked occasionally but we weren't really close of anything, just friendly with one another. occasionally outside of class he would say hi to me or we would have a brief conversation, but nothing else.
over christmas break i was planning a get together for the last weekend of break (it ended up falling through, but that has nothing to do with this story), and i wanted to invite this guy, but i couldn't figure out how to contact him. i finally remembered a mutual friend and asked her for his number, so i could text him with the plans. she gladly gave me his number and i texted him and told him the plan and he was excited to come. he was very friendly and open talking with me and by the end of break, we were texting often and for hours on end.
once school began again, i started making an effort to see him more often in school and he started making more of an effort as well, so we'd chat a couple of times a day, say hi in the halls, and then go home and text all night. it was pretty equal as to who started the conversations and i was extremely comfortable telling him anything. we talked about our past relationships, our families, our hopes for the future, and other deep things. we ended up having a LOT in common, and i just really enjoyed talking to him. he coached me through a tough patch when i was trying to work things out with a crush, and without him it would have been twice as difficult for me.
so obviously, we were good friends. i had kinda had suspicions that he maybe was into me, but i was never sure. he used a lot of ;) when talking to me, had sweet pet names for me, and if i didn't respond fast enough for his liking, would send another message to remind me to hurry up. however, i was aware that he texted other girls, and so i wasn't sure if he was being especially nice to me or if he was just a player...
so anyways, all this continued up until february break, when he went away and i stayed home. we didn't text the entire break but once school started we were chatting again (this was the beginning of last week). monday night was fine, but tuesday night i texted him and we talked for only a couple of minutes before he cut the convo short. this was weird because i'm always the one to say goodnight first, and it was really early, like 10 (we usually text much later). wednesday we didn't text, thursday we began texting, like i said 'hi' and he said 'watsup' back and i waited for the repeat message like he always sends but it never came, and i didn't bother to respond to his 'watsup'. we didn't talk on friday.
by saturday i was pretty confused and kind of upset, since the last week had been really unusual. saturday night i sent him a 'hi' and he DID reply, and we texted for a few minutes until i had to go, but i said that i'd text him later and he said ok. later on i texted him and he didn't reply. about an hour after that i sent him a text that was like, 'did i do something to make you mad?' and he was like, 'no, just cuz i didn't reply you think i'm mad?' and i wanted to say 'yea kind of' cuz he ALWAYS responds to my texts but i didn't say that. before i could reply, he sent me another text that i figured out wasn't supposed to be for me, but for another girl. it was just as flirty as any text he used to send me, with pet names and ;). it hurt, cuz i felt replaceable. since that text we haven't spoken (i didn't respond to the mis-sent text). i have no clue what happened, but i'm really upset. it's been 3 days since that night, so 3 days that we haven't spoken. at all. in the halls at school we don't say hi to each other, just walk right on by as though the other were invisible. i really want to make things right, cuz i honestly have no clue what happened. do you have any idea what's going on in his head? could you please help me? i want to be friends again...
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what precipitated his slow down on texts, but come on, lots of things could have done that, totally unrelated to you. But it's possible that he felt scolded by you for it, and believe it or not, that is enough to cause the reaction you've experienced. He now avoids you because he doesn't want to be scolded (never mind that you didn't scold him; it's enough for him to simply feel that way).
So what to do? I suggest you start talking to him again WITHOUT mentioning anything about the last few days. The longer you go on without talking, the more he'll fear talking to you again. So, break the pattern. Talk to him without asking what happened. Just walk up to him, say hi, and talk as if nothing ever happened. If he realizes you're not mad at him, there's a good chance you two will be fine again.
But consider: there may be other reasons why he reduced his texting. Boys are seldom good friends with a girl for the sake of friendship.
By: maggie
Age: 15
Location: louisville
Question: please answer this as soon as possible! :(
ok so i have a question about friendship, rather than a relationship of the boyfriend/girlfriend variety. so there's this guy who i had a first semester class with (we no longer have this class as it was a semester-long course and it's now second semester). in class, we talked occasionally but we weren't really close of anything, just friendly with one another. occasionally outside of class he would say hi to me or we would have a brief conversation, but nothing else.
over christmas break i was planning a get together for the last weekend of break (it ended up falling through, but that has nothing to do with this story), and i wanted to invite this guy, but i couldn't figure out how to contact him. i finally remembered a mutual friend and asked her for his number, so i could text him with the plans. she gladly gave me his number and i texted him and told him the plan and he was excited to come. he was very friendly and open talking with me and by the end of break, we were texting often and for hours on end.
once school began again, i started making an effort to see him more often in school and he started making more of an effort as well, so we'd chat a couple of times a day, say hi in the halls, and then go home and text all night. it was pretty equal as to who started the conversations and i was extremely comfortable telling him anything. we talked about our past relationships, our families, our hopes for the future, and other deep things. we ended up having a LOT in common, and i just really enjoyed talking to him. he coached me through a tough patch when i was trying to work things out with a crush, and without him it would have been twice as difficult for me.
so obviously, we were good friends. i had kinda had suspicions that he maybe was into me, but i was never sure. he used a lot of ;) when talking to me, had sweet pet names for me, and if i didn't respond fast enough for his liking, would send another message to remind me to hurry up. however, i was aware that he texted other girls, and so i wasn't sure if he was being especially nice to me or if he was just a player...
so anyways, all this continued up until february break, when he went away and i stayed home. we didn't text the entire break but once school started we were chatting again (this was the beginning of last week). monday night was fine, but tuesday night i texted him and we talked for only a couple of minutes before he cut the convo short. this was weird because i'm always the one to say goodnight first, and it was really early, like 10 (we usually text much later). wednesday we didn't text, thursday we began texting, like i said 'hi' and he said 'watsup' back and i waited for the repeat message like he always sends but it never came, and i didn't bother to respond to his 'watsup'. we didn't talk on friday.
by saturday i was pretty confused and kind of upset, since the last week had been really unusual. saturday night i sent him a 'hi' and he DID reply, and we texted for a few minutes until i had to go, but i said that i'd text him later and he said ok. later on i texted him and he didn't reply. about an hour after that i sent him a text that was like, 'did i do something to make you mad?' and he was like, 'no, just cuz i didn't reply you think i'm mad?' and i wanted to say 'yea kind of' cuz he ALWAYS responds to my texts but i didn't say that. before i could reply, he sent me another text that i figured out wasn't supposed to be for me, but for another girl. it was just as flirty as any text he used to send me, with pet names and ;). it hurt, cuz i felt replaceable. since that text we haven't spoken (i didn't respond to the mis-sent text). i have no clue what happened, but i'm really upset. it's been 3 days since that night, so 3 days that we haven't spoken. at all. in the halls at school we don't say hi to each other, just walk right on by as though the other were invisible. i really want to make things right, cuz i honestly have no clue what happened. do you have any idea what's going on in his head? could you please help me? i want to be friends again...
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what precipitated his slow down on texts, but come on, lots of things could have done that, totally unrelated to you. But it's possible that he felt scolded by you for it, and believe it or not, that is enough to cause the reaction you've experienced. He now avoids you because he doesn't want to be scolded (never mind that you didn't scold him; it's enough for him to simply feel that way).
So what to do? I suggest you start talking to him again WITHOUT mentioning anything about the last few days. The longer you go on without talking, the more he'll fear talking to you again. So, break the pattern. Talk to him without asking what happened. Just walk up to him, say hi, and talk as if nothing ever happened. If he realizes you're not mad at him, there's a good chance you two will be fine again.
But consider: there may be other reasons why he reduced his texting. Boys are seldom good friends with a girl for the sake of friendship.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
I am 18 and have been "hanging out" with a 21 year old guy
Submitted on Tuesday, March 03, 2009
By: Katie
Age: 18
Location: Indiana
Question: Hey Victor!
I'll try to keep this short, but I really could use your advice:
I am 18 and have been "hanging out" with a 21 year old guy. We met in September and he kept calling, but I brushed him aside. When he kept calling I finally decided to give him a chance. I hung out with him a couple times, we slept together more than once. I told him I wanted a relationship and he said he doesn't date girls, that it had nothing to do with me personally. He said he liked me and he wouldn't be around me if he didn't, but that he was in a relationship for 3 years and he just isn't good in those types of situations. He has not dated anyone in the past year and a half. He works on his own time schedule. After this, I needed a break. For about a month he would call and text and I never responded, I think most of the time he was drinking when he tried to contact me. I wanted to be done with him because I needed to get over him. Eventually the fact that he kept trying made me think that there must be some reason for it, so I hung out with him last weekend. We had sex, which was probably a mistake on my part. I can't say no to him.
I don't want to be nieve. I know he is not in lov with me, I don't even know if he has feelings for me. But when hes drinking he always tells me that he loves me. I never say it back, and I tell him not to say something he doesn't mean, he still says it. This confuses me I guess, I don't really think he is in love with me, but I don't understand why he says it..
He also has trouble opening up to people in general, I want to be the person he can talk to. Like aside from a physical relationship, I think he has emotional issues. He never wants to deal with emotion, good or bad. He obviously feels it but he tries to deny it, and I always listen to him. Sometimes he'll start talking and then just stop, I think because he feels uncomfortable, like hes sharing to much. But I don't mind listening to him, all I really want at this point is to get to know him better.
I have accepted that he doesn't want a relationship right now, will that change? I'm not sure what I want to be honest. A part of me kind of likes that its not easy, that he doesn't call every day and I don't see him every day, but at the same time I wish he would be a little more consistent. I guess what I'm really asking is should I stick around or am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. If we can get the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility, most of us would take that. Add in a little sex, and man, life is great. And that's what's happening.
You think that playing amateur therapist is going to bring you closer -- you're wrong. First, I doubt you're qualified to handle his issues. Second, even people who are qualified lose perspective once they become emotionally involved. Third, a guy isn't likely to see someone he vents with as a future partner.
Alcohol makes people say a lot of things. Some of them they mean, some of it they don't.
I don't know if you're wasting your time, but you're enabling his behavior with you. If that suits you, by all means continue, otherwise, suggest that he see a professional therapist.
By: Katie
Age: 18
Location: Indiana
Question: Hey Victor!
I'll try to keep this short, but I really could use your advice:
I am 18 and have been "hanging out" with a 21 year old guy. We met in September and he kept calling, but I brushed him aside. When he kept calling I finally decided to give him a chance. I hung out with him a couple times, we slept together more than once. I told him I wanted a relationship and he said he doesn't date girls, that it had nothing to do with me personally. He said he liked me and he wouldn't be around me if he didn't, but that he was in a relationship for 3 years and he just isn't good in those types of situations. He has not dated anyone in the past year and a half. He works on his own time schedule. After this, I needed a break. For about a month he would call and text and I never responded, I think most of the time he was drinking when he tried to contact me. I wanted to be done with him because I needed to get over him. Eventually the fact that he kept trying made me think that there must be some reason for it, so I hung out with him last weekend. We had sex, which was probably a mistake on my part. I can't say no to him.
I don't want to be nieve. I know he is not in lov with me, I don't even know if he has feelings for me. But when hes drinking he always tells me that he loves me. I never say it back, and I tell him not to say something he doesn't mean, he still says it. This confuses me I guess, I don't really think he is in love with me, but I don't understand why he says it..
He also has trouble opening up to people in general, I want to be the person he can talk to. Like aside from a physical relationship, I think he has emotional issues. He never wants to deal with emotion, good or bad. He obviously feels it but he tries to deny it, and I always listen to him. Sometimes he'll start talking and then just stop, I think because he feels uncomfortable, like hes sharing to much. But I don't mind listening to him, all I really want at this point is to get to know him better.
I have accepted that he doesn't want a relationship right now, will that change? I'm not sure what I want to be honest. A part of me kind of likes that its not easy, that he doesn't call every day and I don't see him every day, but at the same time I wish he would be a little more consistent. I guess what I'm really asking is should I stick around or am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Girls see a relationship as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. If we can get the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility, most of us would take that. Add in a little sex, and man, life is great. And that's what's happening.
You think that playing amateur therapist is going to bring you closer -- you're wrong. First, I doubt you're qualified to handle his issues. Second, even people who are qualified lose perspective once they become emotionally involved. Third, a guy isn't likely to see someone he vents with as a future partner.
Alcohol makes people say a lot of things. Some of them they mean, some of it they don't.
I don't know if you're wasting your time, but you're enabling his behavior with you. If that suits you, by all means continue, otherwise, suggest that he see a professional therapist.
Yesterday when he came over to my house
Submitted on Monday, March 02, 2009
By: Daisy
Age: 16
Location: SF
Question: Just yesterday, i saw this guy friend whom i haven't seen for a month and a half because he was very busy with his school work. Yesterday when he came over to my house, i see that he was still logged on as online but away on AIM and his message status says， “very busy with homework". After he left to go home, i sent him a message asking him why he came over to my house when he had so much homework. he responded that because i wanted to see him and he wanted to see me too. i was touched by those words, but i cant decide whether to believe it or not. we are just friends after all, even though he tells me that i am always in his first priority. what does he really mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he likes you. But that doesn't have to mean romantically. Guys seem to have a tolerance for longer periods of no contact with friends, but once in a while, it feels good to reconnect.
Of course, the skeptic in me says he probably wanted to see how your boobs have grown. We are talking about priorities, right? :)
By: Daisy
Age: 16
Location: SF
Question: Just yesterday, i saw this guy friend whom i haven't seen for a month and a half because he was very busy with his school work. Yesterday when he came over to my house, i see that he was still logged on as online but away on AIM and his message status says， “very busy with homework". After he left to go home, i sent him a message asking him why he came over to my house when he had so much homework. he responded that because i wanted to see him and he wanted to see me too. i was touched by those words, but i cant decide whether to believe it or not. we are just friends after all, even though he tells me that i am always in his first priority. what does he really mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he likes you. But that doesn't have to mean romantically. Guys seem to have a tolerance for longer periods of no contact with friends, but once in a while, it feels good to reconnect.
Of course, the skeptic in me says he probably wanted to see how your boobs have grown. We are talking about priorities, right? :)
There's this boy at my church
Submitted on Monday, March 02, 2009
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando
Question: Hi hi,
there's this boy at my church and i sorta like him. We've known each other for a very long time and we see each other throughout the week and on sundays. One night when the church van was dropping him and his brothers off, he hit me in the leg and I kicked him in return since my feet were in the chair. Then he grabbed my leg and pulled it onto his lap and i didn't snatch my leg back. We stared at each other for a few seconds and he placed my leg back into its original position. It has gotten me so confused because I don't know whether that was just a random thing or if that was a sign of interest. He also teases me and hits me on random occasions and on sunday at communion, it looked as if he was touching my butt on purpose, but then he said,"you act like im trying to do this." Is there something going on or am I just imagining things? Sorry this had to be so long.
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age love, love, love to touch female skin. Any excuse to do it, they will. It at least means he's not repulsed by you, but it's not enough to know if he's interested in you.
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando
Question: Hi hi,
there's this boy at my church and i sorta like him. We've known each other for a very long time and we see each other throughout the week and on sundays. One night when the church van was dropping him and his brothers off, he hit me in the leg and I kicked him in return since my feet were in the chair. Then he grabbed my leg and pulled it onto his lap and i didn't snatch my leg back. We stared at each other for a few seconds and he placed my leg back into its original position. It has gotten me so confused because I don't know whether that was just a random thing or if that was a sign of interest. He also teases me and hits me on random occasions and on sunday at communion, it looked as if he was touching my butt on purpose, but then he said,"you act like im trying to do this." Is there something going on or am I just imagining things? Sorry this had to be so long.
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age love, love, love to touch female skin. Any excuse to do it, they will. It at least means he's not repulsed by you, but it's not enough to know if he's interested in you.
I have another thing to worry about now
Submitted on Monday, March 02, 2009
By: D (again)
Age: 13
Location: CA
Question: thxs for the advice..but i have another thing to worry about now....he texted me last saturday saying that he loves me...but i didnt reply to him at that instant...but he had already told me he liked someone else...so i asked him if he accidentally texted me that and he said no...but then he told me he likes me and the other girl but like five minutes later he texts me saying he loves me and this other girl but he tells me later on that day he loves me and the girl in a brotherly way..so i guess you are right about guys my age :)
VictorM's advice:
haha this made me laugh. Yep, teen boys are like little volcanoes -- you never know when they're going to dump all over you.
You better get ready to handle those smelly creatures. :)
By: D (again)
Age: 13
Location: CA
Question: thxs for the advice..but i have another thing to worry about now....he texted me last saturday saying that he loves me...but i didnt reply to him at that instant...but he had already told me he liked someone else...so i asked him if he accidentally texted me that and he said no...but then he told me he likes me and the other girl but like five minutes later he texts me saying he loves me and this other girl but he tells me later on that day he loves me and the girl in a brotherly way..so i guess you are right about guys my age :)
VictorM's advice:
haha this made me laugh. Yep, teen boys are like little volcanoes -- you never know when they're going to dump all over you.
You better get ready to handle those smelly creatures. :)
I have been dating this guy for about 4 weeks now
Submitted on Monday, March 02, 2009
By: Monica
Age: 25
Location: San Diego
Question: I have been dating this guy for about 4 weeks now and we've been on about 7 or 8 dates. Recently I invited him to my place. I cooked us dinner and we watched a movie. He spent the night and when he was leaving the next day he decided to leave some of his movies at my house. I asked him if he was going to take his movies and he just said to leave them and we would watch them next time.
We have talked about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but we haven't made anything official yet, but I guess my question is this: By him leaving things at my place is this a sign that we are moving towards becoming boyfriend/girlfriend or am I reading too much into this?"
Thanks!~
VictorM's advice:
You're reading too much into it. He probably left it as an excuse to come back at least one more time. It is not a long term strategy. But hey, it's not a bad sign either.
By: Monica
Age: 25
Location: San Diego
Question: I have been dating this guy for about 4 weeks now and we've been on about 7 or 8 dates. Recently I invited him to my place. I cooked us dinner and we watched a movie. He spent the night and when he was leaving the next day he decided to leave some of his movies at my house. I asked him if he was going to take his movies and he just said to leave them and we would watch them next time.
We have talked about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but we haven't made anything official yet, but I guess my question is this: By him leaving things at my place is this a sign that we are moving towards becoming boyfriend/girlfriend or am I reading too much into this?"
Thanks!~
VictorM's advice:
You're reading too much into it. He probably left it as an excuse to come back at least one more time. It is not a long term strategy. But hey, it's not a bad sign either.
He purposely messed up my hair every class
Submitted on Saturday, February 28, 2009
By: ally
Age: 19
Location: Atlanta
Question: This guy has rubbed/purposely messed up my hair every class for the past two days even though he knows it bugs me! is this him trying to flirt with me or just patting my head as in "aww, you're so cute"?
VictorM's advice:
The world has its fair share of annoying assholes. Maybe you just found one.
By: ally
Age: 19
Location: Atlanta
Question: This guy has rubbed/purposely messed up my hair every class for the past two days even though he knows it bugs me! is this him trying to flirt with me or just patting my head as in "aww, you're so cute"?
VictorM's advice:
The world has its fair share of annoying assholes. Maybe you just found one.
I met a guy at a dance bar
Submitted on Friday, February 27, 2009
By: Heidi
Age: 45
Location: Ohio
Question: I met a guy at a dance bar - we talked for a large part of the night and that was it. But had fun together. A few weeks later at the same dance bar, he approached me and reintroduced himself to me. This time he was there with a date. He introduced me and we continued to talk. You could tell his date wanted no part of me and they went to another area. Through out the night he kept turning back to look at me - I was with my girl friends, so we were dancing and having fun, but many times I caught his stare. So he ends up finding me on Classmates.com and emails me, saying how he can't believe I'm not dating anyone seriously and how attracted he was to me. He went on and on. I replied with it was nice hearing from him, maybe we could grab a drink sometime. And his reply back was that he was in a relationship now and would not feel comfortable meeting me for a drink - so why did he contact me in the first place? I am confused. I'm too old to be playing these games. We've been emailing each other for a few weeks now - but I'm not so sure I want to continue - since I will be the disappointed one. Please advise. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He paid you compliments. He finds you attractive. So he told you. He knew that would make you feel good. Makes him feel good about himself too that such an attractive woman is paying him attention. That's it. From a guy's point of view, it doesn't mean a thing.
Your imagination is doing the rest.
By: Heidi
Age: 45
Location: Ohio
Question: I met a guy at a dance bar - we talked for a large part of the night and that was it. But had fun together. A few weeks later at the same dance bar, he approached me and reintroduced himself to me. This time he was there with a date. He introduced me and we continued to talk. You could tell his date wanted no part of me and they went to another area. Through out the night he kept turning back to look at me - I was with my girl friends, so we were dancing and having fun, but many times I caught his stare. So he ends up finding me on Classmates.com and emails me, saying how he can't believe I'm not dating anyone seriously and how attracted he was to me. He went on and on. I replied with it was nice hearing from him, maybe we could grab a drink sometime. And his reply back was that he was in a relationship now and would not feel comfortable meeting me for a drink - so why did he contact me in the first place? I am confused. I'm too old to be playing these games. We've been emailing each other for a few weeks now - but I'm not so sure I want to continue - since I will be the disappointed one. Please advise. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He paid you compliments. He finds you attractive. So he told you. He knew that would make you feel good. Makes him feel good about himself too that such an attractive woman is paying him attention. That's it. From a guy's point of view, it doesn't mean a thing.
Your imagination is doing the rest.
I have been single for quite a few years
Submitted on Friday, February 27, 2009
By: Misty
Age: 33
Location: Kansas
Question: I have been single for quite a few years, have not dated much at all. When I did, it was friends who turned romantic. So I am sorta out in left field and need some advice. I have liked this guy from a distance for a couple years now and we finally exchanged numbers. After a couple weeks of nothing, I finally asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime. He seemed really into it, we went out for dinner and to a club both of which he paid for (I offered). We have spoken on the phone a couple times and he came into where I work to talk, but i really am not sure where I stand with him. Most everyone I've ever dated have been the kind of guy who are assertive. I'm not sure if he is shy, or just feeling me out. Its only been a week since our date, so I don't want to overreact and just close down the possibly. But if he liked me, wouldn't I know by now?
VictorM's advice:
He's just feeling you out. If he liked you chances are that you'd know it, but guys take longer to reach that point. So far he doesn't seem that interested, but it's still too soon to tell.
By: Misty
Age: 33
Location: Kansas
Question: I have been single for quite a few years, have not dated much at all. When I did, it was friends who turned romantic. So I am sorta out in left field and need some advice. I have liked this guy from a distance for a couple years now and we finally exchanged numbers. After a couple weeks of nothing, I finally asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime. He seemed really into it, we went out for dinner and to a club both of which he paid for (I offered). We have spoken on the phone a couple times and he came into where I work to talk, but i really am not sure where I stand with him. Most everyone I've ever dated have been the kind of guy who are assertive. I'm not sure if he is shy, or just feeling me out. Its only been a week since our date, so I don't want to overreact and just close down the possibly. But if he liked me, wouldn't I know by now?
VictorM's advice:
He's just feeling you out. If he liked you chances are that you'd know it, but guys take longer to reach that point. So far he doesn't seem that interested, but it's still too soon to tell.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
We can't seem to get along
Submitted on Monday, February 23, 2009
By: Lyna
Age: 19
Location: Davis
Question: Hi Victor,
It's me again. I am pretty much having the same problem over and over. I don't know why me and him can't seem to get along. Well there are times when we hang out, we are fine like we do have fun but then there are times when he say things that makes me sad or hurts my feelings. He tells me he compares people and he see his mom in me. He said it bothers him to hang out with a characteristic he has been trying to avoid. I don't get it. He loves his mom a lot but why does he want to avoid people that has her characteristics?
We just hung out on Friday. He approach me while I was in the kitchen and talked to me. He was being very caring and asked about my knee injury. Basically he asked questions that relates to me like where is my sister? Why I didn't go home when I told him my sister went home. He followed me to the front of my room and basically just talks to me. I just pretty much ditched him because I went to get my slippers to go outside to dump the trash. It seems like he was trying to make a conversation with me. What I don't get is if he's talking to me alone then that means he considered me as a friend right? but why does he try to avoid me just because I have the same characteristic as his mom?
I was busy the whole last week and didn't see him at all. I thought I lost my feelings for him but when he starts being caring, it just came back. We were talking online yesterday. He told me what he was feeling about me. He thinks I am trying to make him look bad or like rub it in because I add the rule to this card game that whoever loses gets slap. I was not being specific about the rule. He thinks losers get slap in the face but actually I meant it can be a slap on the hand too. He thinks I add that rule to slap him.
I told him how i feel about him. I told him I felt he's one of those people who plays too much and doesn't really focus on school. Compared to his room mate. His room mate is like my type of people who studies and does well even though he play games too. I told him everytime he's online, I just assume he's playing games because every time I see him, I always see him playing games. I hardly talk to him because we keep fighting and since he's always distracted, it's very hard to talk to him. Most of the time I just chat with his room mate and found that his room mate is similar to me.
While we were chatting he asked me "do you think i'm playing games now"? and "do you think my room mate is playing game" I replied to him since he's talking to me, he's probably not playing games but I was unsure of his room mate. I don't really care whether his room mate play games or not because I know his room mate is the type of people who would sacrifice game for grades. On the other hand, he is like in the middle. He doesn't seem to try his best and always stay up late to play games and skip classes. I enjoy hanging out with these type of people because it's just fun. I just like to hang out with a diversity of people and don't really care if they get good or bad grades just as long as they don't use me. He told me the last time I thought his room mate is studying, he was actually playing games. I don't understand, why does he have to tell me that. He just said "just so you know". Is this called jealousy? He always seem to compare how i treat his room mate and how I treat him. But overall he's a person that compares people so I am not sure whether he is jealous or not. I mean he doesn't have to get jealous since I don't think he likes me.
Our arguments just keep getting worse and worse. Sometimes we would argue to the point where we said "we don't want to be friends anymore" but then a couple of days later, he comes back and start talking to me. Does this mean he still wants to be my friend? I am very unclear and confused what he see me as.
One time, when we actually get along, I called him to ask if I can come over to his place. He knows and saw me walking on crutches that morning. He just told me "I think you should get some rest". He told me not to move around too much. I don't know if he said that because he simply doesn't want me to come over or does he actually care about me getting hurt again?
I don't know why my feelings for him is still there. I seem to always find little things and just argue with him. He just have to say something mean like he said "I am just one type of food that he doesn't eat".
I just feel very sad because of him. I told him straight that he makes me feel happy when I hang out with him and also he makes me feel like locking myself up. He asked me "what do I want from him? a friend, someone you know, a close friend? He said He's okay being someone I know but not a close friend. I never think of seeing him as a close friend. But since he said "he's okay being someone I know" i guess that means, he doesn't want to be my friend? Should I just give up? I was depressed last night and just told him not to talk to me anymore and pretend he doesn't know me. I told him he makes me feel miserable and hurt and that I am very very tired of trying to be his friend. I feel like he's always playing with me. One moment, he is nice and talks to me like a friend and the next he say means things and starts comparing me to his mom.
A lot of people told me why do i still associate with him when I don't like him? It's true I don't like how he acts but i don't know why i have this feeling for him. If i don't have this feeling, it would not stop me from befriending him.
Sorry for the long story. I hope you can give me some advice. I just don't know what I can do. I want to be friends but I just get this feeling he doesn't but he still continues to talk to me alone as if we're friends. I know he's an undecided person and doesn't really follow what he said he's gonna do or plans to do.
VictorM's advice:
Sorry it took so long to reply. This email somehow slipped through the cracks and I just found it.
Anyway, guys generally have no interest in friendship with girls, much less so if she has romantic interest in him but he doesn't in her. You say you would settle for friendship, but come on, that's not true. You say it but the only reason you'd consider it is with the intention of sending time with him. He's simply not interested in that.
He may use the word friendship, but let me translate that for you. What guys often refer to as "friendship," really is "acquaintance" in a female world. Even so, it takes two for friendship, and your wishes simple aren't enough to make it happen,
The more you persist with this guy, the more you antagonize the whole relationship with him.
By: Lyna
Age: 19
Location: Davis
Question: Hi Victor,
It's me again. I am pretty much having the same problem over and over. I don't know why me and him can't seem to get along. Well there are times when we hang out, we are fine like we do have fun but then there are times when he say things that makes me sad or hurts my feelings. He tells me he compares people and he see his mom in me. He said it bothers him to hang out with a characteristic he has been trying to avoid. I don't get it. He loves his mom a lot but why does he want to avoid people that has her characteristics?
We just hung out on Friday. He approach me while I was in the kitchen and talked to me. He was being very caring and asked about my knee injury. Basically he asked questions that relates to me like where is my sister? Why I didn't go home when I told him my sister went home. He followed me to the front of my room and basically just talks to me. I just pretty much ditched him because I went to get my slippers to go outside to dump the trash. It seems like he was trying to make a conversation with me. What I don't get is if he's talking to me alone then that means he considered me as a friend right? but why does he try to avoid me just because I have the same characteristic as his mom?
I was busy the whole last week and didn't see him at all. I thought I lost my feelings for him but when he starts being caring, it just came back. We were talking online yesterday. He told me what he was feeling about me. He thinks I am trying to make him look bad or like rub it in because I add the rule to this card game that whoever loses gets slap. I was not being specific about the rule. He thinks losers get slap in the face but actually I meant it can be a slap on the hand too. He thinks I add that rule to slap him.
I told him how i feel about him. I told him I felt he's one of those people who plays too much and doesn't really focus on school. Compared to his room mate. His room mate is like my type of people who studies and does well even though he play games too. I told him everytime he's online, I just assume he's playing games because every time I see him, I always see him playing games. I hardly talk to him because we keep fighting and since he's always distracted, it's very hard to talk to him. Most of the time I just chat with his room mate and found that his room mate is similar to me.
While we were chatting he asked me "do you think i'm playing games now"? and "do you think my room mate is playing game" I replied to him since he's talking to me, he's probably not playing games but I was unsure of his room mate. I don't really care whether his room mate play games or not because I know his room mate is the type of people who would sacrifice game for grades. On the other hand, he is like in the middle. He doesn't seem to try his best and always stay up late to play games and skip classes. I enjoy hanging out with these type of people because it's just fun. I just like to hang out with a diversity of people and don't really care if they get good or bad grades just as long as they don't use me. He told me the last time I thought his room mate is studying, he was actually playing games. I don't understand, why does he have to tell me that. He just said "just so you know". Is this called jealousy? He always seem to compare how i treat his room mate and how I treat him. But overall he's a person that compares people so I am not sure whether he is jealous or not. I mean he doesn't have to get jealous since I don't think he likes me.
Our arguments just keep getting worse and worse. Sometimes we would argue to the point where we said "we don't want to be friends anymore" but then a couple of days later, he comes back and start talking to me. Does this mean he still wants to be my friend? I am very unclear and confused what he see me as.
One time, when we actually get along, I called him to ask if I can come over to his place. He knows and saw me walking on crutches that morning. He just told me "I think you should get some rest". He told me not to move around too much. I don't know if he said that because he simply doesn't want me to come over or does he actually care about me getting hurt again?
I don't know why my feelings for him is still there. I seem to always find little things and just argue with him. He just have to say something mean like he said "I am just one type of food that he doesn't eat".
I just feel very sad because of him. I told him straight that he makes me feel happy when I hang out with him and also he makes me feel like locking myself up. He asked me "what do I want from him? a friend, someone you know, a close friend? He said He's okay being someone I know but not a close friend. I never think of seeing him as a close friend. But since he said "he's okay being someone I know" i guess that means, he doesn't want to be my friend? Should I just give up? I was depressed last night and just told him not to talk to me anymore and pretend he doesn't know me. I told him he makes me feel miserable and hurt and that I am very very tired of trying to be his friend. I feel like he's always playing with me. One moment, he is nice and talks to me like a friend and the next he say means things and starts comparing me to his mom.
A lot of people told me why do i still associate with him when I don't like him? It's true I don't like how he acts but i don't know why i have this feeling for him. If i don't have this feeling, it would not stop me from befriending him.
Sorry for the long story. I hope you can give me some advice. I just don't know what I can do. I want to be friends but I just get this feeling he doesn't but he still continues to talk to me alone as if we're friends. I know he's an undecided person and doesn't really follow what he said he's gonna do or plans to do.
VictorM's advice:
Sorry it took so long to reply. This email somehow slipped through the cracks and I just found it.
Anyway, guys generally have no interest in friendship with girls, much less so if she has romantic interest in him but he doesn't in her. You say you would settle for friendship, but come on, that's not true. You say it but the only reason you'd consider it is with the intention of sending time with him. He's simply not interested in that.
He may use the word friendship, but let me translate that for you. What guys often refer to as "friendship," really is "acquaintance" in a female world. Even so, it takes two for friendship, and your wishes simple aren't enough to make it happen,
The more you persist with this guy, the more you antagonize the whole relationship with him.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Texting
Submitted on Thursday, February 26, 2009
By: gigi
Age: 16
Location: san antonio
Question: i met this guy at a party and i got his # and we texted for the whole day. then he txt me first all the time, but then he stopped so i started to txt him first and he replies back and sometimes he doesn't. what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means texting is evil and the worst invention ever.
Sounds like he's losing interest on the texting. Maybe you should, you know, try to talk in person, face to face.
By: gigi
Age: 16
Location: san antonio
Question: i met this guy at a party and i got his # and we texted for the whole day. then he txt me first all the time, but then he stopped so i started to txt him first and he replies back and sometimes he doesn't. what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means texting is evil and the worst invention ever.
Sounds like he's losing interest on the texting. Maybe you should, you know, try to talk in person, face to face.
