Friday, February 27, 2009
I recently decided to try online dating
Submitted on Thursday, February 26, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 24
Location: Brisbane, QLD
Question: Victor…tell me, should I let this go right now?
I recently decided to try online dating. Ever since I put up a photo I’ve been bombarded with messages, ‘winks’, emails and all. Because I’m very picky and know exactly what I want I’ve been saying no to most guys. Because I get contacted a lot I don’t initiate anything. I do get sent ‘matches’ every week by the website and although I do take a look I don’t take any action. One guy in these ‘match’ emails however caught my attention BUT I wasn’t going to email him or make any sort of a first move. I figured if he sees me and is interested he’ll do something. And he did! So first he ‘winks’ at me and I wink back two days later. He immediately emails me and says he doesn’t know what to say because he’s nervous. Says he’s ready for a committed relationship but likes to start off as friends, tells me where he lives, what he does, where he went to school etc. (It so happens we went to the same college).
I don’t want to be too eager so I reply to him two days later and make general chit chat…no moves to ask him out or anything – once again, if he’s interested he’ll ask.
Two days after that I get an email from him, he gets a little flirty and gives me his personal email address. He ends the message saying "hopefully we can meet up for a drink soon, James x"
I saw the message as soon as he’d sent it but wanted to think of a response before I jumped in and replied. Two days after he’d sent it I replied to him and said I was up for a drink (but again I left it up to him to initiate the when and how and so on). While I was figuring out what to reply with I could tell he was checking my profile online – I assume he was wondering why I wasn’t replying to him.
Now the problem comes – it’s been three days since my email and nothing from him. He also hasn’t been on the website since he came to check up on me.
Should I wait it out a bit more or should I forget it now? Do you think he's interested in at least meeting up?
I know he could have other dates lined up but I just want to know what’s going on. It’s driving me insane seeing that I’m so picky and this one caught my attention and he was never suggestive or improper. And I was thinking maybe now that he’s got me interested he’s not interested anymore but hang on…this is a dating website, you’re there to meet people and date them right?
And I’ve done some detective work – he’s who he says he is, so he’s not married, etc…
VictorM's advice:
When it comes to online dating services, girls seem to be looking to pinpoint the one perfect guy and put all her eggs in that one basket. Guys, on the other hand, will contact many women and expect to meet lots of them before finding the one.
There's a very good chance that he has invited several other women for drinks and must coordinate these contacts and schedule himself carefully to meet as many women as possible. That might not suit how you think things should be, but that's the way they are. You're but one of many profiles he's looking into. Play too hard to get and well, there are others willing to go for drinks.
Funny that you think nothing of making him wait a couple days for no reason at all, but when he does it to you, it throws you off. Besides, who knows... maybe he's busy, on holidays, in the hospital.
You may or may not have held his interest. Time will tell. Meanwhile, that is a dating site. And there is only so much you can tell from a profile. The perfect guy for you may be a lousy profile writer, while the biggest jerk in the world could write very well. So don't put too much stock on the profiles. Get your money's worth and go on dates. Wink guys too. It shouldn't be a one way street.
By: Lisa
Age: 24
Location: Brisbane, QLD
Question: Victor…tell me, should I let this go right now?
I recently decided to try online dating. Ever since I put up a photo I’ve been bombarded with messages, ‘winks’, emails and all. Because I’m very picky and know exactly what I want I’ve been saying no to most guys. Because I get contacted a lot I don’t initiate anything. I do get sent ‘matches’ every week by the website and although I do take a look I don’t take any action. One guy in these ‘match’ emails however caught my attention BUT I wasn’t going to email him or make any sort of a first move. I figured if he sees me and is interested he’ll do something. And he did! So first he ‘winks’ at me and I wink back two days later. He immediately emails me and says he doesn’t know what to say because he’s nervous. Says he’s ready for a committed relationship but likes to start off as friends, tells me where he lives, what he does, where he went to school etc. (It so happens we went to the same college).
I don’t want to be too eager so I reply to him two days later and make general chit chat…no moves to ask him out or anything – once again, if he’s interested he’ll ask.
Two days after that I get an email from him, he gets a little flirty and gives me his personal email address. He ends the message saying "hopefully we can meet up for a drink soon, James x"
I saw the message as soon as he’d sent it but wanted to think of a response before I jumped in and replied. Two days after he’d sent it I replied to him and said I was up for a drink (but again I left it up to him to initiate the when and how and so on). While I was figuring out what to reply with I could tell he was checking my profile online – I assume he was wondering why I wasn’t replying to him.
Now the problem comes – it’s been three days since my email and nothing from him. He also hasn’t been on the website since he came to check up on me.
Should I wait it out a bit more or should I forget it now? Do you think he's interested in at least meeting up?
I know he could have other dates lined up but I just want to know what’s going on. It’s driving me insane seeing that I’m so picky and this one caught my attention and he was never suggestive or improper. And I was thinking maybe now that he’s got me interested he’s not interested anymore but hang on…this is a dating website, you’re there to meet people and date them right?
And I’ve done some detective work – he’s who he says he is, so he’s not married, etc…
VictorM's advice:
When it comes to online dating services, girls seem to be looking to pinpoint the one perfect guy and put all her eggs in that one basket. Guys, on the other hand, will contact many women and expect to meet lots of them before finding the one.
There's a very good chance that he has invited several other women for drinks and must coordinate these contacts and schedule himself carefully to meet as many women as possible. That might not suit how you think things should be, but that's the way they are. You're but one of many profiles he's looking into. Play too hard to get and well, there are others willing to go for drinks.
Funny that you think nothing of making him wait a couple days for no reason at all, but when he does it to you, it throws you off. Besides, who knows... maybe he's busy, on holidays, in the hospital.
You may or may not have held his interest. Time will tell. Meanwhile, that is a dating site. And there is only so much you can tell from a profile. The perfect guy for you may be a lousy profile writer, while the biggest jerk in the world could write very well. So don't put too much stock on the profiles. Get your money's worth and go on dates. Wink guys too. It shouldn't be a one way street.
He ended up leaving me for this other woman
Submitted on Thursday, February 26, 2009
By: Rosie
Age: 21
Location: Uk
Question: My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me last year. He ended up leaving me for this other woman. Since then we have been back together and broke up several times. This time he has said he wants it to work and we should start by taking it slow. However since we last broke up he's been seeing another woman. Even though we are not together right now I believe we both wanted to work on 'us'. For the last few weeks we have been seeing each other regularly and and having a great time. But she still stays at his house and they still go out to dinner, etc although he says they're not sleeping together. I do believe he wants something with me however it feels like he wants the best of both worlds?
VictorM's advice:
One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, each time expecting different results. By that definition, you're both crazy.
But further, guys, even crazy ones, lose respect for a girl who doesn't respect herself. And how can he respect a girl who is buying his crap of him working on "us" when the other woman stays at his house?
You're in a hopeless vicious cycle with this guy. It'll lead nowhere but more unhappiness. He's getting from you all he wants, nothing more, nothing less. And no, it's not the best from both worlds; it's the "it'll do for now" of both worlds. He'll drop you and/or her the moment something better comes along.
By: Rosie
Age: 21
Location: Uk
Question: My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me last year. He ended up leaving me for this other woman. Since then we have been back together and broke up several times. This time he has said he wants it to work and we should start by taking it slow. However since we last broke up he's been seeing another woman. Even though we are not together right now I believe we both wanted to work on 'us'. For the last few weeks we have been seeing each other regularly and and having a great time. But she still stays at his house and they still go out to dinner, etc although he says they're not sleeping together. I do believe he wants something with me however it feels like he wants the best of both worlds?
VictorM's advice:
One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, each time expecting different results. By that definition, you're both crazy.
But further, guys, even crazy ones, lose respect for a girl who doesn't respect herself. And how can he respect a girl who is buying his crap of him working on "us" when the other woman stays at his house?
You're in a hopeless vicious cycle with this guy. It'll lead nowhere but more unhappiness. He's getting from you all he wants, nothing more, nothing less. And no, it's not the best from both worlds; it's the "it'll do for now" of both worlds. He'll drop you and/or her the moment something better comes along.
I just found out that I am pregnant
Submitted on Wednesday, February 25, 2009
By: ERICA
Age: 33
Location: MICHIGAN
Question:
Hello victor,
I am dating a guy. we have been together for a few months and i just found out that i am pregnant, however, soon after that i got word that his ex-girlfriend is pregnant also. So i asked him about it. He confirmed it and said that she refuses to terminate the pregnancy. We've been together 3 months and i am only weeks and she is almost 4 months. He said it happened before us. My first reaction was to dump him, so i packed up all of his things and threw them out. He keeps begging me to let him come back home. He's been sleeping in his car in my driveway. I tell him to go back to her and leave me alone. He said he doesn't want her, he wants me. i am so confused about what to do right now. Please advise from a male point of view because everyone says i am thinking like a girl because i care for him a lot but i refuse to fall for the banana in the tail pipe.
VictorM's advice:
He had a girlfriend before you. Nothing wrong there. He had sex with her, which sounds pretty normal. She got pregnant. Oops. But how does that have anything to do with you and he feels about you now? I don't see the connection.
Of course, I have no idea what kind of man he is, if he'll be a good father, if he'll support the other child (legally he would have to, if she presses it), and if he will have a relationship with that other kid, which means at a minimum some interaction with the ex.
I think you stand to gain more by giving him a chance and getting to know him better -- heck, you can always dump him later if he turns out to disappoint. If you care for him, and if he seems to care for you, I don't see why you shouldn't give him a chance. The alternative is to dump a guy who might be a good partner and a good father, but you never have a chance to find out. The "what if" doubts later in life will haunt you more than if give him a chance and have to dump him later.
By: ERICA
Age: 33
Location: MICHIGAN
Question:
Hello victor,
I am dating a guy. we have been together for a few months and i just found out that i am pregnant, however, soon after that i got word that his ex-girlfriend is pregnant also. So i asked him about it. He confirmed it and said that she refuses to terminate the pregnancy. We've been together 3 months and i am only weeks and she is almost 4 months. He said it happened before us. My first reaction was to dump him, so i packed up all of his things and threw them out. He keeps begging me to let him come back home. He's been sleeping in his car in my driveway. I tell him to go back to her and leave me alone. He said he doesn't want her, he wants me. i am so confused about what to do right now. Please advise from a male point of view because everyone says i am thinking like a girl because i care for him a lot but i refuse to fall for the banana in the tail pipe.
VictorM's advice:
He had a girlfriend before you. Nothing wrong there. He had sex with her, which sounds pretty normal. She got pregnant. Oops. But how does that have anything to do with you and he feels about you now? I don't see the connection.
Of course, I have no idea what kind of man he is, if he'll be a good father, if he'll support the other child (legally he would have to, if she presses it), and if he will have a relationship with that other kid, which means at a minimum some interaction with the ex.
I think you stand to gain more by giving him a chance and getting to know him better -- heck, you can always dump him later if he turns out to disappoint. If you care for him, and if he seems to care for you, I don't see why you shouldn't give him a chance. The alternative is to dump a guy who might be a good partner and a good father, but you never have a chance to find out. The "what if" doubts later in life will haunt you more than if give him a chance and have to dump him later.
One night we ended up having sex
Submitted on Wednesday, February 25, 2009
By: Tommy
Age: 24
Question: Okay, so this is an offshoot of a question you've had many times. So me and this guy became very good friends very quickly this year. We hung out all the time and got along extremely well, to the point where it worried his ex-girlfriend and he admitted that it was a reason they broke up (among others). So we continued to hang out and cuddling on the couch became a bit more than before, and then one night we ended up having sex. The problem is, I wish things had continued on to being boyfriend and girlfriend, except we just killed it. He said he didn't want a relationship but that he was afraid if we started dating he would begin to treat me like one of his girlfriends (badly) because he's never dated anyone who he knew as a friend first (some of his ex-girlfriends have admitted he's a bad boyfriend) and it would ruin the friendship eventually and he wanted the friendship more. I pretty much heard this as "I don't like you, let's just be friends." He's still trying to get the friendship back to where it was, where we would joke about other people we'd like to have sex with and stuff, but now when he says that stuff to me or I mention a guy to him, it feels wrong. Sometimes he seems like he's overcompensating in being interested in another guy wanting to take me out, and, well, I just can't joke about him sleeping with other girls all that well anymore. It's all the "same" but it's "different." Also, I should mention that we slept together a week or so after he broke up with his girlfriend so he's probably in the mood to be single. It's a weird place to be in. I can see his viewpoint in every way because I'm one of his closest friends, but as a girl I see things differently. I really wish there was an easy way to go from friend to girlfriend in this situation, but I don't think there is. I guess is doesn't matter if things run smooth, because after writing this, it pretty much sounds like we've ruined the friendship kind of irregardless, huh?
VictorM's advice:
Guys don't go out with a girl for friendship only. It started that way with you and him but only because he found you attractive and that was one way to get to know you without responsibilities. But now that he has realized he has no romantic feelings for you, saying he wants to be friends only is the default way to back out. But the friendship will not last. Shortly, the contact will decrease to the point where you two become just acquaintances, if even that.
Given his track record as a boyfriend, consider yourself lucky.
By: Tommy
Age: 24
Question: Okay, so this is an offshoot of a question you've had many times. So me and this guy became very good friends very quickly this year. We hung out all the time and got along extremely well, to the point where it worried his ex-girlfriend and he admitted that it was a reason they broke up (among others). So we continued to hang out and cuddling on the couch became a bit more than before, and then one night we ended up having sex. The problem is, I wish things had continued on to being boyfriend and girlfriend, except we just killed it. He said he didn't want a relationship but that he was afraid if we started dating he would begin to treat me like one of his girlfriends (badly) because he's never dated anyone who he knew as a friend first (some of his ex-girlfriends have admitted he's a bad boyfriend) and it would ruin the friendship eventually and he wanted the friendship more. I pretty much heard this as "I don't like you, let's just be friends." He's still trying to get the friendship back to where it was, where we would joke about other people we'd like to have sex with and stuff, but now when he says that stuff to me or I mention a guy to him, it feels wrong. Sometimes he seems like he's overcompensating in being interested in another guy wanting to take me out, and, well, I just can't joke about him sleeping with other girls all that well anymore. It's all the "same" but it's "different." Also, I should mention that we slept together a week or so after he broke up with his girlfriend so he's probably in the mood to be single. It's a weird place to be in. I can see his viewpoint in every way because I'm one of his closest friends, but as a girl I see things differently. I really wish there was an easy way to go from friend to girlfriend in this situation, but I don't think there is. I guess is doesn't matter if things run smooth, because after writing this, it pretty much sounds like we've ruined the friendship kind of irregardless, huh?
VictorM's advice:
Guys don't go out with a girl for friendship only. It started that way with you and him but only because he found you attractive and that was one way to get to know you without responsibilities. But now that he has realized he has no romantic feelings for you, saying he wants to be friends only is the default way to back out. But the friendship will not last. Shortly, the contact will decrease to the point where you two become just acquaintances, if even that.
Given his track record as a boyfriend, consider yourself lucky.
A general question
Submitted on Tuesday, February 24, 2009
By: Pam
Age: 19
Location: TX
Question: Hey, I have a general question. Let's say a guy likes you... a lot! Then say you are going out with him for a while and it seems like he's losing interest, not contacting you first, even saying he can't hang out sometimes. Could it be because he thinks you don't like him enough? Or do guys never think that way? And would he act colder toward you because of that? Or if he acts colder and seems like he lost interest, is it just that simple?
VictorM's advice:
1. Guys can cease to like a girl for the smallest of reasons. Example: My son had a crush on this girl. One day I asked him how it was going with her and he said he had lost interest in her. I asked why. He explained that they had gone on a field trip and on the way back on the bus she fell asleep and started drooling a little. That drool was enough to turn him off. Now, some will say that's superficial of him. I'll argue that it's not; it's a reflection of a superficial attraction.
2. A guy can really like a girl and act cold and indifferent to her. That's done to catch her attention and gauge her interest in him. This is a very common tactic by guys. And it usually works too.
But in your case, I think he simply has gotten over you. He's not into you anymore.
By: Pam
Age: 19
Location: TX
Question: Hey, I have a general question. Let's say a guy likes you... a lot! Then say you are going out with him for a while and it seems like he's losing interest, not contacting you first, even saying he can't hang out sometimes. Could it be because he thinks you don't like him enough? Or do guys never think that way? And would he act colder toward you because of that? Or if he acts colder and seems like he lost interest, is it just that simple?
VictorM's advice:
1. Guys can cease to like a girl for the smallest of reasons. Example: My son had a crush on this girl. One day I asked him how it was going with her and he said he had lost interest in her. I asked why. He explained that they had gone on a field trip and on the way back on the bus she fell asleep and started drooling a little. That drool was enough to turn him off. Now, some will say that's superficial of him. I'll argue that it's not; it's a reflection of a superficial attraction.
2. A guy can really like a girl and act cold and indifferent to her. That's done to catch her attention and gauge her interest in him. This is a very common tactic by guys. And it usually works too.
But in your case, I think he simply has gotten over you. He's not into you anymore.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
We see each other one day during the weekend
Submitted on Tuesday, February 24, 2009
By: Jasmine
Age: 33
Location: Texas
Question: Since January I have been dating a guy. We see each other one day during the weekend for the most part and that is my question.
How long should I wait to bring it up to him that I want to see him more often than just once a week. I have gotten some details from him that makes me hesitant to ask him. He just started a new job that is demanding, and he seems to be very independent in all aspects of his life.
From the beginning we have never talked too much on the phone or through e-mail. He seems content with our current situation and as far as I understand it we are seeing if this has longterm potential.
Would I ruin things by being impatient and asking for more of his time now? Should I just follow his lead and not worry? Or could he be loosing interest in me? When we are together it is great and the last two weeks I have left the planning up to him and he has come throught.
For this week he said that his boss is in town and he has a tournament this weekend that will take up his time. He seems ok with going all 7 days without seeing each other and there are no plans for any day during next week. I'm going to let him contact me and initiate a date, mainly because I want to see if he does and also because I don't want to seem desparate.
So lastly, I'm I reading too much into his behavior or are my fears based on something?
Thank you in advance.
VictorM's advice:
Your fears are legitimate -- it's natural to expect more frequent contact if indeed you're trying to find out if there's a long term possibility for you two. Usually, it is in the early stages of going out that interest peaks, and after a while it returns to a more sustainable level.
His behavior doesn't mean that he's not interested -- lots of guys prefer to go very slowly early on -- but it does give you some indication of how compatible he is with you in terms of warmth and desire.
Since you started going out so recently (for a guy, a month or two is nothing) and since he's got a lot going on in his life, you might want to wait a little longer before dropping the bomb question. But meanwhile, try to gauge just how compatible he is to your wishes in terms of affection, attention, desire, warmth, etc... at this stage, learning those things about him are the most important things you can be doing. It's one thing not to be able to see you more often for reasons beyond his control; quite another to not even mention the desire to do it.
By: Jasmine
Age: 33
Location: Texas
Question: Since January I have been dating a guy. We see each other one day during the weekend for the most part and that is my question.
How long should I wait to bring it up to him that I want to see him more often than just once a week. I have gotten some details from him that makes me hesitant to ask him. He just started a new job that is demanding, and he seems to be very independent in all aspects of his life.
From the beginning we have never talked too much on the phone or through e-mail. He seems content with our current situation and as far as I understand it we are seeing if this has longterm potential.
Would I ruin things by being impatient and asking for more of his time now? Should I just follow his lead and not worry? Or could he be loosing interest in me? When we are together it is great and the last two weeks I have left the planning up to him and he has come throught.
For this week he said that his boss is in town and he has a tournament this weekend that will take up his time. He seems ok with going all 7 days without seeing each other and there are no plans for any day during next week. I'm going to let him contact me and initiate a date, mainly because I want to see if he does and also because I don't want to seem desparate.
So lastly, I'm I reading too much into his behavior or are my fears based on something?
Thank you in advance.
VictorM's advice:
Your fears are legitimate -- it's natural to expect more frequent contact if indeed you're trying to find out if there's a long term possibility for you two. Usually, it is in the early stages of going out that interest peaks, and after a while it returns to a more sustainable level.
His behavior doesn't mean that he's not interested -- lots of guys prefer to go very slowly early on -- but it does give you some indication of how compatible he is with you in terms of warmth and desire.
Since you started going out so recently (for a guy, a month or two is nothing) and since he's got a lot going on in his life, you might want to wait a little longer before dropping the bomb question. But meanwhile, try to gauge just how compatible he is to your wishes in terms of affection, attention, desire, warmth, etc... at this stage, learning those things about him are the most important things you can be doing. It's one thing not to be able to see you more often for reasons beyond his control; quite another to not even mention the desire to do it.
He's slipping away
Submitted on Tuesday, February 24, 2009
By: Tiffany
Age: 26
Location: Texas
Question: My boyfriend and i have been having a few problems in our relationship and i feel like he's slipping away. How do i get him to want me and fall in love with me again?!?!?
VictorM's advice:
Once a guy loses interest in you, getting that interest back is nearly impossible. But whether he's in love or not, a guy likes being around a girl that makes him feel good about himself when he's with her. What makes him feel good about himself when he's with you? If you don't know the answer, you need to find out; if you know the answer, just do it.
By: Tiffany
Age: 26
Location: Texas
Question: My boyfriend and i have been having a few problems in our relationship and i feel like he's slipping away. How do i get him to want me and fall in love with me again?!?!?
VictorM's advice:
Once a guy loses interest in you, getting that interest back is nearly impossible. But whether he's in love or not, a guy likes being around a girl that makes him feel good about himself when he's with her. What makes him feel good about himself when he's with you? If you don't know the answer, you need to find out; if you know the answer, just do it.
Playing on my emotions
Submitted on Tuesday, February 24, 2009
By: stacey
Age: 30
Location: us
Question: i've been sexual with this guy for 7 months. in the beginning we were seeing each other several times a week, now we see each other once a week. he tells me no one touches him like me and he cares but he never makes any effort to see me more then once a week. he keeps coming back even when i stop calling him. is he playing on my emotions?
VictorM's advice:
Nah. He's just a guy getting what he can without giving any more than he needs to.
By: stacey
Age: 30
Location: us
Question: i've been sexual with this guy for 7 months. in the beginning we were seeing each other several times a week, now we see each other once a week. he tells me no one touches him like me and he cares but he never makes any effort to see me more then once a week. he keeps coming back even when i stop calling him. is he playing on my emotions?
VictorM's advice:
Nah. He's just a guy getting what he can without giving any more than he needs to.
He would always stay behind me
Submitted on Monday, February 23, 2009
By: D
Age: 13
Location: california
Question: i have a friend who has a cousin (male) and i met him by my best friend and this other friend...we didn't know each other much but one day i went to the park with my best friend and they guy and I..and i started to notice my friend seems to like him more than friends but so did i...the guy is really nice, caring, sweet, funny...but later on as we knew each other more on that day i discovered we had a lot in common which is when i started to have feelings for the guy and he started to hug me for no reason, touch me on my arm or shoulders and he tried to reach for my hand, but i also noticed that when we started to walk again he would always stay behind me or next to me..and would say nice compliments like "your hair is pretty" or "i like your shirt" and such. but he would always defend me from my best friend and always on my side no matter what.there are lots of things he would try to do like touch me and make me laugh all the time and make me feel comfortable (which worked)he also teases my friend the most and sweet things of me and out of me and my best friend is me he chooses but also one day my best friend suggested i should go out with him and at the time i didn't like him and he just looked at me and then he waited for my reply which was that i didn't know him..i don't know what to do..i like the guy but am not sure if my best friend does, she claims to have a boyfriend or likes someone else but i am also not sure if the guy likes me or not or he's just being nice to get close to me and have a nice friendship..should i make the first move?
p.s. we have each others number and today he didn't really seem like he was into me until the end when i started to talk to him and make jokes
VictorM's advice:
You should forget about your best friend liking him. She has already given you the green light. Sounds to me like you may be using her as an excuse not to take a risk.
The boy likes you. But boys around your age can be very fickle. Many aren't ready yet for the girl/boy thing yet, and many like so many girls at once, they're sorta like a kid in a candy shop.
You should look to become better friends with him. Don't rush things, but don't wait for things to happen either. Talk to him more, be friendly, and see how it goes.
By: D
Age: 13
Location: california
Question: i have a friend who has a cousin (male) and i met him by my best friend and this other friend...we didn't know each other much but one day i went to the park with my best friend and they guy and I..and i started to notice my friend seems to like him more than friends but so did i...the guy is really nice, caring, sweet, funny...but later on as we knew each other more on that day i discovered we had a lot in common which is when i started to have feelings for the guy and he started to hug me for no reason, touch me on my arm or shoulders and he tried to reach for my hand, but i also noticed that when we started to walk again he would always stay behind me or next to me..and would say nice compliments like "your hair is pretty" or "i like your shirt" and such. but he would always defend me from my best friend and always on my side no matter what.there are lots of things he would try to do like touch me and make me laugh all the time and make me feel comfortable (which worked)he also teases my friend the most and sweet things of me and out of me and my best friend is me he chooses but also one day my best friend suggested i should go out with him and at the time i didn't like him and he just looked at me and then he waited for my reply which was that i didn't know him..i don't know what to do..i like the guy but am not sure if my best friend does, she claims to have a boyfriend or likes someone else but i am also not sure if the guy likes me or not or he's just being nice to get close to me and have a nice friendship..should i make the first move?
p.s. we have each others number and today he didn't really seem like he was into me until the end when i started to talk to him and make jokes
VictorM's advice:
You should forget about your best friend liking him. She has already given you the green light. Sounds to me like you may be using her as an excuse not to take a risk.
The boy likes you. But boys around your age can be very fickle. Many aren't ready yet for the girl/boy thing yet, and many like so many girls at once, they're sorta like a kid in a candy shop.
You should look to become better friends with him. Don't rush things, but don't wait for things to happen either. Talk to him more, be friendly, and see how it goes.
Me and this guy were flirty friends
Submitted on Monday, February 23, 2009
By: once a player, always a player?
Age: 15
Location: unknown
Question: In 8th grade me and this guy were flirty friends, we kind of had a thing but over the summer into 9th grade we got really close. By the end of the summer we got into this huge fight, because i accused him of being a player and wanted to know what he really wanted out of me. We didnt talk for 4 months. In January of freshman year he finally said hi to me, and he was like why dont you ever call me anymore, and i was like why dont you ever call me. After the convo we stuck to just saying hi because he had a girlfriend. Lately hes been saying to my friend that he wants to dump her because shes boring and she wants him to chase after her, and he wants to know if i like him, but the other day he said that he wants to go out with me because i have big boobs? I don't know what i should have my friend tell him because if i say i like him i dont want him to think he can have me just like that, but if i tell him no i don't want him to be pushed away and not come after me, i want to be with him but i want a real relationship not games. How should i let him know that without pushing him away but leaving it so that he knows what i want and he needs to decide what he wants? I want to give it a try and see if he truly likes me or if he is just playing me like the other girls.
VictorM's advice:
Disregard the reason he gave for liking you. Some boys think that being open about liking a girl makes them seem weak, so they blabber about things they think makes them look cool.
You should stop relying on friends to receive and send messages. More often than not, that only complicates things. You should start talking to him more. Go beyond the "hi" and start having conversations. See if you can bring back the friendship first. This way, you can find out for yourself if he's really interested in you for you or just for your boobs.
By: once a player, always a player?
Age: 15
Location: unknown
Question: In 8th grade me and this guy were flirty friends, we kind of had a thing but over the summer into 9th grade we got really close. By the end of the summer we got into this huge fight, because i accused him of being a player and wanted to know what he really wanted out of me. We didnt talk for 4 months. In January of freshman year he finally said hi to me, and he was like why dont you ever call me anymore, and i was like why dont you ever call me. After the convo we stuck to just saying hi because he had a girlfriend. Lately hes been saying to my friend that he wants to dump her because shes boring and she wants him to chase after her, and he wants to know if i like him, but the other day he said that he wants to go out with me because i have big boobs? I don't know what i should have my friend tell him because if i say i like him i dont want him to think he can have me just like that, but if i tell him no i don't want him to be pushed away and not come after me, i want to be with him but i want a real relationship not games. How should i let him know that without pushing him away but leaving it so that he knows what i want and he needs to decide what he wants? I want to give it a try and see if he truly likes me or if he is just playing me like the other girls.
VictorM's advice:
Disregard the reason he gave for liking you. Some boys think that being open about liking a girl makes them seem weak, so they blabber about things they think makes them look cool.
You should stop relying on friends to receive and send messages. More often than not, that only complicates things. You should start talking to him more. Go beyond the "hi" and start having conversations. See if you can bring back the friendship first. This way, you can find out for yourself if he's really interested in you for you or just for your boobs.
I'm very bad at reading guys
Submitted on Monday, February 23, 2009
By: Artsyme
Age: 20
Location: East coast
Question: So I'm very bad at reading guys and figuring out how to talk to them. Theres a guy in one of my classes who seems to stare at me often, and I don't mean like at my body he stares at my face with a lost sorta look. I try not to look at his face but I don't get WHY he stares. And when he does stare he sometimes stays for a extra second and i just ignore his stare but i can "feel" it. He also made some jokes in a couple of classes and laughed with me. I don't know how to send signals back, I'm way too shy. I can't tell from his staring if he's thinking something or what, please decipher this! I'll gladly post any extra info needed.
VictorM's advice:
Guys will stare at a girl they find attractive, whether in a classroom, in a bus, train, at work, wherever. We simply like looking at female beauty. Does that mean we're interested in her? Not really. Unless you have other signs, this one doesn't mean a great deal.
By: Artsyme
Age: 20
Location: East coast
Question: So I'm very bad at reading guys and figuring out how to talk to them. Theres a guy in one of my classes who seems to stare at me often, and I don't mean like at my body he stares at my face with a lost sorta look. I try not to look at his face but I don't get WHY he stares. And when he does stare he sometimes stays for a extra second and i just ignore his stare but i can "feel" it. He also made some jokes in a couple of classes and laughed with me. I don't know how to send signals back, I'm way too shy. I can't tell from his staring if he's thinking something or what, please decipher this! I'll gladly post any extra info needed.
VictorM's advice:
Guys will stare at a girl they find attractive, whether in a classroom, in a bus, train, at work, wherever. We simply like looking at female beauty. Does that mean we're interested in her? Not really. Unless you have other signs, this one doesn't mean a great deal.
The ending of my relationship
Submitted on Sunday, February 22, 2009
By: Pauline
Age: 44
Location: UK
Question: Hello,
I hope you can help me sort out this confusion out about the ending of my relationship.
I had been seeing a man for 19 months. We were seeing each other almost every evening and most days during holidays and weekends. That was his choice, as he has done all the calling round to be with me at my house as soon as I have got home from work.
Sometimes I found it a bit too much him coming to my house all the time and so I asked to have a few nights on my own now and then, that way, I could at least have chance to do a few things for me. I like my own company and its nice to have a bit of space of my own but I have always texted him or let him know in advance, when I wanted to have a bit of time for myself.
We have said we loved each other many times and we were on the whole very happy together apart from on the three occasions when he disappeared from my life without explanation. On the first two occasions he stayed away from me for over a week without prior warning and I couldnt get in touch with him nor did he contact me, but he came back again still not talking to me about what or where he had been. (he's not intelligent enough to be a spy).
I stayed calm and I concluded in my mind that basically he was just wanting his own space too. However, the way he did it, left me in the dark as he just avoided answering his phone and I had no idea when or if he would come back to me during these times. This left me worried about him but I didn't let him know this, as I think men like to be independent.
Anyway I had hoped one day we would start to make plans for something more permanent between us rather than wasting time in two separate houses. I thought that this would be great but I have had to finish the relationship this valentines weekend because two weeks earlier, he did the same thing again,(3rd time)leaving me without prior warning and didnt show up for 6 days. That day I told him I had enough of this part of his behaviour and said that in all decency's sake that he should at least tell me that he is not going to be around for a while so that I am not left wondering what is happening.
I said we will have to finish as I cannot stand the feeling of what is going on with him when he disappears like that. He didn't like this one bit and turned on his heels and walked out of the house. Leaving me really mixed up and I cried, wondering if I should have said nothing and just put up with it. But as I didn't hear from him until the following Tuesday, I said we should sit down and talk this over once and for all.
He agreed with me but left early saying that he would phone me when he wakes up the next morning. He didn't phone me. So I knew that he didn't want to discuss it and so I packed as much of his clothes and things from my house that I could find and drove to his house and as he wasn't there I left a note saying that I wanted to thank him for loving me and for the lovely times we have had but I don't want to continue the relationship.
Then I get a phone call from him saying that he got the note and that he was shocked and could he come round and talk it through with me. So I agreed that we should. We talked about it and he said he realised that its not fair on me to be unsure about what his plans are and at this point I started to think everything was going to be OK but then suddenly after this discussion, he said he had to go. He left me and didn't phone me the next day (valentines day). I never heard from him all day nor the next day and I tried to contact him but he didn't pick up the phone. Then on Monday morning when I was going to work, my mobile started ringing and he said to me, its about time I was moving on from the relationship. So he was basically cutting me loose there and then.
I still love him and I know we have so much potential as a couple. It is just this one simple thing that could easily be sorted out but he is hell bent on refusing to give me peace of mind when he takes time out from being with me. My heart is really aching right now. I would so love this to work for us and I feel in every other part of our togetherness we could be a great couple. I don't know whether I have blown it for good but I do not want to go back to that strange situation of his long disappearances. I am no oil painting and have had very few relationships, thats why I was loathe to give up with him when he hurt me and thats why I didn't nag him and I just put up with it the other times, but I cant pretend that I am OK with it anymore.
Later in this last week he phoned me up to ask how I am feeling and started suggesting that he comes round to the house to do some gardening for me while Im at work. I said that there was no need to do this for me and he insisted and said its because 'I WANT to do this for you'
I don't get it. Why is he asking this now after agreeing that I should move on?
Is he trying to stay friends with me by doing me a favour? Does he want to do this to stop him from feeling guilty about the way things were going or is he trying to win me back but doesnt want to lose face about the break up?
Any opinion would be great, I cant see what his motives are now. I'm half hoping he will want me back but the other half is saying don't allow it.
VictorM's advice:
He's offering to help around the garden, and will be nice to you, out of guilt. This is his way to feel better about himself because he knows you're hurting. It could also be because he's had a routine for so many months and can't handle breaking from it cold turkey. So he'll maintain some contact for now, but that contact will decrease.
But Pauline, the relationship has no potential because he's not into you as you are into him. You have been so invested in making it work that you're overlooking that his feelings about it all don't match yours. His disappearing acts can't be brushed aside as just him being irresponsible, which he is -- there's a reason he runs away.
Saying this relationship has potential if not for that one issue is like me saying I could be a great opera singer if only I could sing.
By: Pauline
Age: 44
Location: UK
Question: Hello,
I hope you can help me sort out this confusion out about the ending of my relationship.
I had been seeing a man for 19 months. We were seeing each other almost every evening and most days during holidays and weekends. That was his choice, as he has done all the calling round to be with me at my house as soon as I have got home from work.
Sometimes I found it a bit too much him coming to my house all the time and so I asked to have a few nights on my own now and then, that way, I could at least have chance to do a few things for me. I like my own company and its nice to have a bit of space of my own but I have always texted him or let him know in advance, when I wanted to have a bit of time for myself.
We have said we loved each other many times and we were on the whole very happy together apart from on the three occasions when he disappeared from my life without explanation. On the first two occasions he stayed away from me for over a week without prior warning and I couldnt get in touch with him nor did he contact me, but he came back again still not talking to me about what or where he had been. (he's not intelligent enough to be a spy).
I stayed calm and I concluded in my mind that basically he was just wanting his own space too. However, the way he did it, left me in the dark as he just avoided answering his phone and I had no idea when or if he would come back to me during these times. This left me worried about him but I didn't let him know this, as I think men like to be independent.
Anyway I had hoped one day we would start to make plans for something more permanent between us rather than wasting time in two separate houses. I thought that this would be great but I have had to finish the relationship this valentines weekend because two weeks earlier, he did the same thing again,(3rd time)leaving me without prior warning and didnt show up for 6 days. That day I told him I had enough of this part of his behaviour and said that in all decency's sake that he should at least tell me that he is not going to be around for a while so that I am not left wondering what is happening.
I said we will have to finish as I cannot stand the feeling of what is going on with him when he disappears like that. He didn't like this one bit and turned on his heels and walked out of the house. Leaving me really mixed up and I cried, wondering if I should have said nothing and just put up with it. But as I didn't hear from him until the following Tuesday, I said we should sit down and talk this over once and for all.
He agreed with me but left early saying that he would phone me when he wakes up the next morning. He didn't phone me. So I knew that he didn't want to discuss it and so I packed as much of his clothes and things from my house that I could find and drove to his house and as he wasn't there I left a note saying that I wanted to thank him for loving me and for the lovely times we have had but I don't want to continue the relationship.
Then I get a phone call from him saying that he got the note and that he was shocked and could he come round and talk it through with me. So I agreed that we should. We talked about it and he said he realised that its not fair on me to be unsure about what his plans are and at this point I started to think everything was going to be OK but then suddenly after this discussion, he said he had to go. He left me and didn't phone me the next day (valentines day). I never heard from him all day nor the next day and I tried to contact him but he didn't pick up the phone. Then on Monday morning when I was going to work, my mobile started ringing and he said to me, its about time I was moving on from the relationship. So he was basically cutting me loose there and then.
I still love him and I know we have so much potential as a couple. It is just this one simple thing that could easily be sorted out but he is hell bent on refusing to give me peace of mind when he takes time out from being with me. My heart is really aching right now. I would so love this to work for us and I feel in every other part of our togetherness we could be a great couple. I don't know whether I have blown it for good but I do not want to go back to that strange situation of his long disappearances. I am no oil painting and have had very few relationships, thats why I was loathe to give up with him when he hurt me and thats why I didn't nag him and I just put up with it the other times, but I cant pretend that I am OK with it anymore.
Later in this last week he phoned me up to ask how I am feeling and started suggesting that he comes round to the house to do some gardening for me while Im at work. I said that there was no need to do this for me and he insisted and said its because 'I WANT to do this for you'
I don't get it. Why is he asking this now after agreeing that I should move on?
Is he trying to stay friends with me by doing me a favour? Does he want to do this to stop him from feeling guilty about the way things were going or is he trying to win me back but doesnt want to lose face about the break up?
Any opinion would be great, I cant see what his motives are now. I'm half hoping he will want me back but the other half is saying don't allow it.
VictorM's advice:
He's offering to help around the garden, and will be nice to you, out of guilt. This is his way to feel better about himself because he knows you're hurting. It could also be because he's had a routine for so many months and can't handle breaking from it cold turkey. So he'll maintain some contact for now, but that contact will decrease.
But Pauline, the relationship has no potential because he's not into you as you are into him. You have been so invested in making it work that you're overlooking that his feelings about it all don't match yours. His disappearing acts can't be brushed aside as just him being irresponsible, which he is -- there's a reason he runs away.
Saying this relationship has potential if not for that one issue is like me saying I could be a great opera singer if only I could sing.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
He was not ready for a committed relationship
Submitted on Sunday, February 22, 2009
By: Dina
Age: 36
Location: Virginia
Question: I have been seeing a guy for about 3 years. I am 36 and he is 28. We started off good then he told me that he was not ready for a committed relationship. We kept seeing each other as if we were in a relationship. He went out with one of his friends back in November. Since then I haven't heard too much from him. I call him and his phone is on then sometimes I call and its turned off, I leave messages, no response. He doesn't respond to my texts either and if he does its a day later. I want to know if he has met someone but how do I find out? I'm too scared to ask.Why do you think he has cut me off without warning?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he met someone else, but it shouldn't matter -- he's just not into you. Period.
By: Dina
Age: 36
Location: Virginia
Question: I have been seeing a guy for about 3 years. I am 36 and he is 28. We started off good then he told me that he was not ready for a committed relationship. We kept seeing each other as if we were in a relationship. He went out with one of his friends back in November. Since then I haven't heard too much from him. I call him and his phone is on then sometimes I call and its turned off, I leave messages, no response. He doesn't respond to my texts either and if he does its a day later. I want to know if he has met someone but how do I find out? I'm too scared to ask.Why do you think he has cut me off without warning?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he met someone else, but it shouldn't matter -- he's just not into you. Period.
He's been kinda fickle
Submitted on Saturday, February 21, 2009
By: Rose
Age: 15
Location: USA
Question: Hi. There's this guy I like, REALLY like, and he's been kinda fickle. He switches girlfriends about once a week. I think he likes me, but I'm not sure. Does he keep switching girlfriends to make me jealous, or just because he likes it?
please help!
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age, if they had their way, would have a new girlfriend every time they change their underwear. And he'd like to fit you in that list sometime, I'm sure.
By: Rose
Age: 15
Location: USA
Question: Hi. There's this guy I like, REALLY like, and he's been kinda fickle. He switches girlfriends about once a week. I think he likes me, but I'm not sure. Does he keep switching girlfriends to make me jealous, or just because he likes it?
please help!
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age, if they had their way, would have a new girlfriend every time they change their underwear. And he'd like to fit you in that list sometime, I'm sure.
Confidential to Sarah, 32, from US
I'm always be skeptical of a guy who has enough time during the initial phase of getting to know you but after a while he becomes busy. I find the coincidence just too much to believe. Does that mean he's not into you anymore? Well, it at least means his interested has declined. More often than not that's just a natural return to a sustainable level of interaction, except that in this case, there is not enough contact, as far as you're concerned.
Why would a guy who lost interest still keep in contact? Well, in part, as you suggested, maybe for fun. But quite often he thinks his decline of interest is just a phase, so he keeps trying to keep contact to see how things will develop. Another possibility is that he's just not sure about his feelings for you and will keep you close enough just in case. One other possibility is that he's just too chicken to tell you how he really feels and continues to play the nice guy until such time as you have enough and break up with him. This way, he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
I'd say anytime a guy becomes too busy for a girl, she should be skeptical. If you're suspicious that he's only in it for the fun, don't engage in that fun unless and until you see serious commitment.
Why would a guy who lost interest still keep in contact? Well, in part, as you suggested, maybe for fun. But quite often he thinks his decline of interest is just a phase, so he keeps trying to keep contact to see how things will develop. Another possibility is that he's just not sure about his feelings for you and will keep you close enough just in case. One other possibility is that he's just too chicken to tell you how he really feels and continues to play the nice guy until such time as you have enough and break up with him. This way, he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
I'd say anytime a guy becomes too busy for a girl, she should be skeptical. If you're suspicious that he's only in it for the fun, don't engage in that fun unless and until you see serious commitment.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sometimes he gets soft out of nowhere
Submitted on Friday, February 20, 2009
By: Janis
Age: 18
Location: Boston
Question: I've been in a relationship this guy for about 3 months and everything seems okay. We met a party and the next day he added me on facebook, it's gone on from there. He's a very sweet guy and we get along well. The problem is that we never kiss or hold hands in public. Although i don't like PDA i would appreciate the effort. Should i bring it up to him? Recently i've also noticed that when we have sex sometimes he gets soft out of nowhere. Is it me? Would a guy have sex with a girl he didn't find attractive?
VictorM's advice:
You should bring up the kissing and touching in public, but not in an accusatory tone. Mention your feelings, how much you'd like it, and unless he objects, you may have to take the initiative from time to time. Keep in mind, however, that there could be psychological reasons why he's reluctant to do that, even if he doesn't recognize it himself. For example, kids who grow up in households where emotion was not shown or was even mocked, may have a big impact on his behavior today. What I'm trying to say is, proceed slowly and cautiously, and don't automatically assume that unwillingness on his part is outright rejection.
As for him getting soft, no, it is not you at all. A guy would have sex with a dryer if the opening was of the right size. Him getting soft has nothing at all to do with you directly unless you have a live piranha inside your vagina gnawing at his pecker.
There are a lot of reasons for him going soft, such as: stress, nervousness, being out of shape, consumption of alcohol or drugs, a medical problem, etc.. You can help by making sure the place is comfortable and safe, that he's not anxious or under stress about anything, and by not making a big deal about when it happens. Just move on to more kissing, more touching, and let him get the erection back on his own. If this situation persists, he should see a doctor. But give him time first. Some guys just take a while getting used to a new partner. Once they do, all works fine.
By: Janis
Age: 18
Location: Boston
Question: I've been in a relationship this guy for about 3 months and everything seems okay. We met a party and the next day he added me on facebook, it's gone on from there. He's a very sweet guy and we get along well. The problem is that we never kiss or hold hands in public. Although i don't like PDA i would appreciate the effort. Should i bring it up to him? Recently i've also noticed that when we have sex sometimes he gets soft out of nowhere. Is it me? Would a guy have sex with a girl he didn't find attractive?
VictorM's advice:
You should bring up the kissing and touching in public, but not in an accusatory tone. Mention your feelings, how much you'd like it, and unless he objects, you may have to take the initiative from time to time. Keep in mind, however, that there could be psychological reasons why he's reluctant to do that, even if he doesn't recognize it himself. For example, kids who grow up in households where emotion was not shown or was even mocked, may have a big impact on his behavior today. What I'm trying to say is, proceed slowly and cautiously, and don't automatically assume that unwillingness on his part is outright rejection.
As for him getting soft, no, it is not you at all. A guy would have sex with a dryer if the opening was of the right size. Him getting soft has nothing at all to do with you directly unless you have a live piranha inside your vagina gnawing at his pecker.
There are a lot of reasons for him going soft, such as: stress, nervousness, being out of shape, consumption of alcohol or drugs, a medical problem, etc.. You can help by making sure the place is comfortable and safe, that he's not anxious or under stress about anything, and by not making a big deal about when it happens. Just move on to more kissing, more touching, and let him get the erection back on his own. If this situation persists, he should see a doctor. But give him time first. Some guys just take a while getting used to a new partner. Once they do, all works fine.
I am 14 and 6 ft tall
Submitted on Friday, February 20, 2009
By: tall
Question: I'm a freshman in high school. I am 14 and 6 ft tall. People tell me all the time that i'm pretty and that i should model. Even strangers off the street will come up to me and ask me if i am a model, but i have never had a boyfriend. I really like this guy but i'm taller than him. He is about 5'8. When ever we talk he all ways stares into my eyes and i think he really likes me. He always is texting me forwards about love and relationships or how i would rate him. I really like him, but i'm not sure if my height is an issue. I have never had a boyfriend before and i really want one. I feel sometimes like i'm too shy because we only really talk at like sporting events and not that much at school cuz i only have one class with him. Any tips or advice to boost my self confidence or ways to know if he likes me or talk to him more?
VictorM's advice:
First of all, not having a boyfriend at 14 is nothing at all unusual. Secondly, your height will scare off many boys. Guys generally prefer to date girls shorter than them. Of course, as you get older, that will be a lesser problem as boys tend to have growth spurs in their later teens. This means there will be a lot more boys your height, or taller. Plus, the more mature guys get, the less insecure they become about height differences.
All you need now is more patience because even if he likes you, and even if your height is not a problem for him, boys still like to move very slowly from friendship to relationship. Give him time to get to know you better.
As for confidence in your height, well... everyone has something to deal with: some are too short, some too heavy or too skinny, some have skin concerns, some hate their hair, some can't handle their small boobs or their big boobs, etc. Most girls, no matter how popular or average, have something to worry about. The ones who think they are perfect tend to be the most annoying conceited assholes you'll ever meet. So, if your height is your biggest problem, then you found the one thing that keeps you somewhat humble and prevents you from being a conceited asshole yourself.
By: tall
Question: I'm a freshman in high school. I am 14 and 6 ft tall. People tell me all the time that i'm pretty and that i should model. Even strangers off the street will come up to me and ask me if i am a model, but i have never had a boyfriend. I really like this guy but i'm taller than him. He is about 5'8. When ever we talk he all ways stares into my eyes and i think he really likes me. He always is texting me forwards about love and relationships or how i would rate him. I really like him, but i'm not sure if my height is an issue. I have never had a boyfriend before and i really want one. I feel sometimes like i'm too shy because we only really talk at like sporting events and not that much at school cuz i only have one class with him. Any tips or advice to boost my self confidence or ways to know if he likes me or talk to him more?
VictorM's advice:
First of all, not having a boyfriend at 14 is nothing at all unusual. Secondly, your height will scare off many boys. Guys generally prefer to date girls shorter than them. Of course, as you get older, that will be a lesser problem as boys tend to have growth spurs in their later teens. This means there will be a lot more boys your height, or taller. Plus, the more mature guys get, the less insecure they become about height differences.
All you need now is more patience because even if he likes you, and even if your height is not a problem for him, boys still like to move very slowly from friendship to relationship. Give him time to get to know you better.
As for confidence in your height, well... everyone has something to deal with: some are too short, some too heavy or too skinny, some have skin concerns, some hate their hair, some can't handle their small boobs or their big boobs, etc. Most girls, no matter how popular or average, have something to worry about. The ones who think they are perfect tend to be the most annoying conceited assholes you'll ever meet. So, if your height is your biggest problem, then you found the one thing that keeps you somewhat humble and prevents you from being a conceited asshole yourself.
Everything was ticking along nicely
Submitted on Friday, February 20, 2009
By: Laura
Age: 40
Location: UK
Question: I met the guy i`m currently seeing 16months ago. We dated for 4 months, he mentioned the `girlfriend` word and everything was ticking along nicely! and then last valentine`s day we had disagreement by text message because he was working late and couldn`t see me. I went a bit psycho asking him was he married etc or seeing someone else (he lives an hours drive from my home, and he had never invited me to his home or his neck of the woods)and a friend had planted a seed of doubt in my head. Basically after this the relationship ended at this point, and i contacted him several times by text message over the folowing few weeks.Actually i was very upset! I was starting to think that perhaps my friend had been correct! He never ignored me and re enforced the fact that he was not married or seeing anyone else! I think he was puzzled as to where this had come from as i`m normally pretty laid back and go with the flow! I did my best to explain where it had all come from!.I backed off and stopped contacting him and slowly over the next few months he started contacting me again by text message and we started seeing each other again end of november, but more regularly since beginning January.
Since we got back together, i`ve never asked him about what happened! to be honest, i really like this guy, and i do trust him, i`m afraid of scaring him off, or him thinking i`m putting pressure on him. We see each other about once a week, as i said, he lives an hours drive away, works for himself,i don`t drive, work shifts and have two teenagers, so at the moment as it`s still early days, i think this is ok!
However, i`m starting to get a bit concerned as when we see each other, he generally comes to my home and as the relationship is sexual again, we end up in bed! which is great! but we never go for a drink or go to the cinema etc! He doesn`t rush away when my teenagers come home, in fact i think he seems to be making effort to get to know them and chat to them, which he didn`t do before. He was a bit nervous to meet them before (He is same age as myself, but never married and no kid). Also i don`t see him at weekends, he goes out with the guys and if i`m not working i usually go out with my friends, which i`m ok with, but i would like to see him sometimes at the weekend!
He usually always texts me when he gets home tho, and as yet i`ve not been to his home town either! He texts me every day in between seeing me. Valentine`s day has just passed and i received nothing! there was no mention of it, although he did text me as usual that day, I was working, and when i replied i put `happy valentines day by the way`, when he text me back, he didn`t greet me in return, however he was texting me to say that he`d been at hospital all day as he`d nearly hacked 2 fingers off while working that morning! Sometimes when he texts me, and for instance, when he injured the fingers, i text back saying that `i would kiss them better`, i get no response to this. Last night he text me asking what kind of day i`d had, i had just been thinking about him and was a bit frisky, and in my text i put `was just thinking bout you touching me there`, when he replied, i was expecting him to have made some reference to what i had put as we have a very good sex life, but he just carried on saying how his day had been, and he was going into the bath! At other times tho, when he initiates something like that tho, i respond!
I went away for four days a couple of weeks ago with my girlfriends, and he came to my house the day before i left. We had a great day, and when i was asking him if he knew if the airport had a chemist in it, he asked me what i wanted a chemist for, before i could reply, he jokily said `o is that to buy the condoms?`, i went to reply that no it was actually to buy a toothbrush, he quickly butted in `i`m only joking!` He lives 15 mins from this airport and when we were discussing what time my flight was back in at on the saturday night i was coming home, he immediately said that why didn`t me and my friends come and meet him in the local pub he goes to! I was delighted by this and said i would text him when i arrived home at the airport! i also said that i would text him from Spain, which i did, and he text me plenty. When i was en route home, i text him to ask him did he want me to text him when i arrived, so we could meetup? he replied that believe it or not, him and his friends were actually not going out in their home town that night but in another city! I was disappointed, but didn`t make a big deal out of it, just said `ok no probs`, he then text back to say that it wasn`t his choice that there was a crowd of them going out! I just replied saying that was ok would have been great to see him, and have a good night!When i seen him for the first time after i had been away, he asked me`so..did anyone get up to anything then?`He said it in a jokey way, i reassured him that my friends are all married and don`t carry on like that!
I don`t know whether i`m just being a bit irrational and needy, and i don`t know whether these little jokey comments are his insecurity and mistrust, or a sign that he would have been ok with me sleeping with someone else that took my fancy while i was away! i think i`m looking for some reassurance that this guy is interested in me the way i`m interested in him. I do feel that he is basically a decent guy, but would be interested on you`re `take` on the situation.
VictorM's advice:
I would take the joking as just that -- joking. But come on, everything else says this guy is not interested in you as you are in him. He's going to take what he can get, without giving much, until you have had enough.
First, if after breaking up over the whole not visiting his house he still hasn't invited you to his house, something is really fishy. Second, this guy can't stop hanging out with his friends for one night to come and see you at the airport? And you say "no problem"? Come on!
Being needy is bad; being a sap is no better.
How much are you going to bend backwards to accommodate a guy who simply isn't into you?
By: Laura
Age: 40
Location: UK
Question: I met the guy i`m currently seeing 16months ago. We dated for 4 months, he mentioned the `girlfriend` word and everything was ticking along nicely! and then last valentine`s day we had disagreement by text message because he was working late and couldn`t see me. I went a bit psycho asking him was he married etc or seeing someone else (he lives an hours drive from my home, and he had never invited me to his home or his neck of the woods)and a friend had planted a seed of doubt in my head. Basically after this the relationship ended at this point, and i contacted him several times by text message over the folowing few weeks.Actually i was very upset! I was starting to think that perhaps my friend had been correct! He never ignored me and re enforced the fact that he was not married or seeing anyone else! I think he was puzzled as to where this had come from as i`m normally pretty laid back and go with the flow! I did my best to explain where it had all come from!.I backed off and stopped contacting him and slowly over the next few months he started contacting me again by text message and we started seeing each other again end of november, but more regularly since beginning January.
Since we got back together, i`ve never asked him about what happened! to be honest, i really like this guy, and i do trust him, i`m afraid of scaring him off, or him thinking i`m putting pressure on him. We see each other about once a week, as i said, he lives an hours drive away, works for himself,i don`t drive, work shifts and have two teenagers, so at the moment as it`s still early days, i think this is ok!
However, i`m starting to get a bit concerned as when we see each other, he generally comes to my home and as the relationship is sexual again, we end up in bed! which is great! but we never go for a drink or go to the cinema etc! He doesn`t rush away when my teenagers come home, in fact i think he seems to be making effort to get to know them and chat to them, which he didn`t do before. He was a bit nervous to meet them before (He is same age as myself, but never married and no kid). Also i don`t see him at weekends, he goes out with the guys and if i`m not working i usually go out with my friends, which i`m ok with, but i would like to see him sometimes at the weekend!
He usually always texts me when he gets home tho, and as yet i`ve not been to his home town either! He texts me every day in between seeing me. Valentine`s day has just passed and i received nothing! there was no mention of it, although he did text me as usual that day, I was working, and when i replied i put `happy valentines day by the way`, when he text me back, he didn`t greet me in return, however he was texting me to say that he`d been at hospital all day as he`d nearly hacked 2 fingers off while working that morning! Sometimes when he texts me, and for instance, when he injured the fingers, i text back saying that `i would kiss them better`, i get no response to this. Last night he text me asking what kind of day i`d had, i had just been thinking about him and was a bit frisky, and in my text i put `was just thinking bout you touching me there`, when he replied, i was expecting him to have made some reference to what i had put as we have a very good sex life, but he just carried on saying how his day had been, and he was going into the bath! At other times tho, when he initiates something like that tho, i respond!
I went away for four days a couple of weeks ago with my girlfriends, and he came to my house the day before i left. We had a great day, and when i was asking him if he knew if the airport had a chemist in it, he asked me what i wanted a chemist for, before i could reply, he jokily said `o is that to buy the condoms?`, i went to reply that no it was actually to buy a toothbrush, he quickly butted in `i`m only joking!` He lives 15 mins from this airport and when we were discussing what time my flight was back in at on the saturday night i was coming home, he immediately said that why didn`t me and my friends come and meet him in the local pub he goes to! I was delighted by this and said i would text him when i arrived home at the airport! i also said that i would text him from Spain, which i did, and he text me plenty. When i was en route home, i text him to ask him did he want me to text him when i arrived, so we could meetup? he replied that believe it or not, him and his friends were actually not going out in their home town that night but in another city! I was disappointed, but didn`t make a big deal out of it, just said `ok no probs`, he then text back to say that it wasn`t his choice that there was a crowd of them going out! I just replied saying that was ok would have been great to see him, and have a good night!When i seen him for the first time after i had been away, he asked me`so..did anyone get up to anything then?`He said it in a jokey way, i reassured him that my friends are all married and don`t carry on like that!
I don`t know whether i`m just being a bit irrational and needy, and i don`t know whether these little jokey comments are his insecurity and mistrust, or a sign that he would have been ok with me sleeping with someone else that took my fancy while i was away! i think i`m looking for some reassurance that this guy is interested in me the way i`m interested in him. I do feel that he is basically a decent guy, but would be interested on you`re `take` on the situation.
VictorM's advice:
I would take the joking as just that -- joking. But come on, everything else says this guy is not interested in you as you are in him. He's going to take what he can get, without giving much, until you have had enough.
First, if after breaking up over the whole not visiting his house he still hasn't invited you to his house, something is really fishy. Second, this guy can't stop hanging out with his friends for one night to come and see you at the airport? And you say "no problem"? Come on!
Being needy is bad; being a sap is no better.
How much are you going to bend backwards to accommodate a guy who simply isn't into you?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
A fairly simple question
Submitted on Friday, February 20, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 22
Location: South Africa
Question: Hi Victor, remember me?
This is a fairly simple question. I was just wondering if you have any advice for a girl about how to get guys to notice you. I see you give good advice for when there is someone specific you are interested in, but right now my issue is actually meeting guys! When I go to parties or clubs or any social events I don't really get hit on (except by drunken losers who can barely speak), and when I smile at guys I think are cute or look interesting, sometimes they smile back but they don't ever say hello or try to talk to me. I don't know whether it's the way I look (although I am quite pretty and lots of people tell me I dress really nicely) or if I don't seem approachable, but do you have any suggestions about how to meet guys this way?
Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
Hey Reberoo... of course I remember you.
Just wait for 2010 and the World Cup -- you're have millions of men to pick from. But sadly, most will be drunk.
Around your age, most guys are still looking for the low hanging fruit. Smart, educated, well-dressed, classy... not as appealing as ones that scream "easy and cheap."
But, they could be thinking: "that gorgeous girl, she's smiling but come on, I don't stand a chance with her. If only she'd say hello."
I think we should modify an old saying: If the guys don't come to Reberro, Reberoo goes to the guys... and says Hello."
By: Rebecca
Age: 22
Location: South Africa
Question: Hi Victor, remember me?
This is a fairly simple question. I was just wondering if you have any advice for a girl about how to get guys to notice you. I see you give good advice for when there is someone specific you are interested in, but right now my issue is actually meeting guys! When I go to parties or clubs or any social events I don't really get hit on (except by drunken losers who can barely speak), and when I smile at guys I think are cute or look interesting, sometimes they smile back but they don't ever say hello or try to talk to me. I don't know whether it's the way I look (although I am quite pretty and lots of people tell me I dress really nicely) or if I don't seem approachable, but do you have any suggestions about how to meet guys this way?
Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
Hey Reberoo... of course I remember you.
Just wait for 2010 and the World Cup -- you're have millions of men to pick from. But sadly, most will be drunk.
Around your age, most guys are still looking for the low hanging fruit. Smart, educated, well-dressed, classy... not as appealing as ones that scream "easy and cheap."
But, they could be thinking: "that gorgeous girl, she's smiling but come on, I don't stand a chance with her. If only she'd say hello."
I think we should modify an old saying: If the guys don't come to Reberro, Reberoo goes to the guys... and says Hello."
I had a crush on this guy forever
Submitted on Friday, February 20, 2009
By: dawn
Age: 27
Location: indiana
Question: I had a crush on this guy forever....I got the chance to meet up with him again and it was great .....the first night we went to see a movie he was great....i was cold he took his shirt off gave it to me to keep me warm the whole time i was with him he would open my door he stayed with me the whole weekend ....we didn't have sex till the 2nd night i was there ....we held hands we kissed it was like we were together....when i left he texted me to tell me his bed still smelled good like me....total sweet heart....but here's what i don't get: he says he doesn't want anything with me.....i just got divorced and i have kids, he doesn't and he has never been married ..... i really want him. i text him some still because i don't want him to think i don't want him even though i said i didn't want anything, i really do ....i guess what i'm asking is does he want something or can i get him to fall for me
VictorM's advice:
You came off a divorce, the guy opens a few doors for you, and just like magic, you're ready for a lifetime together. Guys really just don't understand that and few ever behave the same way. Guys take a much longer time going from thinking you're hot to falling in love with you. Guys can show all that attention and sexual desire you have experienced, without being in love.
Women see a relationship as a measure of security; guys see it as responsibility and loss of freedom. For that reason, guys tend to be much more careful and hesitant about being in a relationship.
Continue to see him informally as long as you feel strongly about him and he seems to enjoy your company. Give him time to develop feelings for you. Until he does, he will be cautious.
By: dawn
Age: 27
Location: indiana
Question: I had a crush on this guy forever....I got the chance to meet up with him again and it was great .....the first night we went to see a movie he was great....i was cold he took his shirt off gave it to me to keep me warm the whole time i was with him he would open my door he stayed with me the whole weekend ....we didn't have sex till the 2nd night i was there ....we held hands we kissed it was like we were together....when i left he texted me to tell me his bed still smelled good like me....total sweet heart....but here's what i don't get: he says he doesn't want anything with me.....i just got divorced and i have kids, he doesn't and he has never been married ..... i really want him. i text him some still because i don't want him to think i don't want him even though i said i didn't want anything, i really do ....i guess what i'm asking is does he want something or can i get him to fall for me
VictorM's advice:
You came off a divorce, the guy opens a few doors for you, and just like magic, you're ready for a lifetime together. Guys really just don't understand that and few ever behave the same way. Guys take a much longer time going from thinking you're hot to falling in love with you. Guys can show all that attention and sexual desire you have experienced, without being in love.
Women see a relationship as a measure of security; guys see it as responsibility and loss of freedom. For that reason, guys tend to be much more careful and hesitant about being in a relationship.
Continue to see him informally as long as you feel strongly about him and he seems to enjoy your company. Give him time to develop feelings for you. Until he does, he will be cautious.
l don't go for nice men
Submitted on Thursday, February 19, 2009
By: susan
Age: 46
Location: england
Question: l don't go for nice men. l always go for the bad ones, as l feel bored by the nice ones . but the men that l choose always leave me in the end. what is wrong with me? why can't l just stick with the nice ones? why do l almost have an aversion to nice men? l always end up lonely. but there does not seem any other way for me
VictorM's advice:
Too bad Dick Cheney is married -- you'd love that guy. :-p
Actually, I'm inclined to believe that you're probably a very nice woman, seeing as "opposite attracts" plays a big role in what's happening to you.
If you want to change who you get attracted to, you need to change yourself. What you need to do is figure out what attributes about the guys you fall for are what appeals the most to you, and then, work to develop those attributes in yourself. It's not as hard as it sounds.
Do this: get a pen and paper, give yourself some privacy, and go over your mind all the guys you have liked the most, and think about the times you felt the strongest about them. Write down the things you liked most about them. Was it that they were reckless, cursed a lot, adventurous, spontaneous, outgoing, etc. etc. Just list a bunch of stuff that comes to your head in the first few minutes. Don't over think it, just write down what pops into your head.
Now, go over the list of attributes you liked in them, and rate the attributes in numerical order from most impressive to least impressive. When you're done, look at what you listed as the number one attribute. That is the attribute that attracts you to them because you feel you lack it.
Let's say that, for argument sake, that being the "life of the party" is the one thing you liked. Your challenge is to push yourself to be more like them. It won't happen overnight, but if you work at developing that quality in yourself, over time, you will become less attracted to men who are like that, because you no longer need them. The good thing about this is that you don't have to become the life of the party type, you just need to become a little more outgoing.
So... get to work on yourself; that will change the guys that enter your life.
By: susan
Age: 46
Location: england
Question: l don't go for nice men. l always go for the bad ones, as l feel bored by the nice ones . but the men that l choose always leave me in the end. what is wrong with me? why can't l just stick with the nice ones? why do l almost have an aversion to nice men? l always end up lonely. but there does not seem any other way for me
VictorM's advice:
Too bad Dick Cheney is married -- you'd love that guy. :-p
Actually, I'm inclined to believe that you're probably a very nice woman, seeing as "opposite attracts" plays a big role in what's happening to you.
If you want to change who you get attracted to, you need to change yourself. What you need to do is figure out what attributes about the guys you fall for are what appeals the most to you, and then, work to develop those attributes in yourself. It's not as hard as it sounds.
Do this: get a pen and paper, give yourself some privacy, and go over your mind all the guys you have liked the most, and think about the times you felt the strongest about them. Write down the things you liked most about them. Was it that they were reckless, cursed a lot, adventurous, spontaneous, outgoing, etc. etc. Just list a bunch of stuff that comes to your head in the first few minutes. Don't over think it, just write down what pops into your head.
Now, go over the list of attributes you liked in them, and rate the attributes in numerical order from most impressive to least impressive. When you're done, look at what you listed as the number one attribute. That is the attribute that attracts you to them because you feel you lack it.
Let's say that, for argument sake, that being the "life of the party" is the one thing you liked. Your challenge is to push yourself to be more like them. It won't happen overnight, but if you work at developing that quality in yourself, over time, you will become less attracted to men who are like that, because you no longer need them. The good thing about this is that you don't have to become the life of the party type, you just need to become a little more outgoing.
So... get to work on yourself; that will change the guys that enter your life.
Holiday romance
Submitted on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
By: unlucky in love
Age: 25
Location: uk
Question: I met a guy a few months ago, and what started as a holiday romance turned into a little more. We were basically a couple for 2 months; then he went back to his life. We kept in contact for a while, e-mailing and texting all day, and he was all "I miss you, I can't wait to see you again, I'm coming down the next holiday I have, I like you so much". And then suddenly, he tells me that things are getting too serious for him and that he just doesn't want any "responsibilities" at the moment, but he wants to keep in contact with me. This basically means he is an ass who just wants to string me along in case he is horny next time he comes here for a holiday, right? I ignored him now for few days, and he texted me that he misses me and wants to chat to me. But I am just gonna keep ignoring him... I think deserve better?
VictorM's advice:
He started with the typical extra excitement, fueled in part by the holiday mood, and now he's realizing that he was going to fast and wants to slow down.
Girls will get stuck on a guy from day one, even before knowing much about the guy, but guys like to get to know much more about a girl, before they give up their freedom and assume responsibilities.
He may be an ass, but I wouldn't say that based on the actions you described. They just make him sound like a smart, sensible guy.
By: unlucky in love
Age: 25
Location: uk
Question: I met a guy a few months ago, and what started as a holiday romance turned into a little more. We were basically a couple for 2 months; then he went back to his life. We kept in contact for a while, e-mailing and texting all day, and he was all "I miss you, I can't wait to see you again, I'm coming down the next holiday I have, I like you so much". And then suddenly, he tells me that things are getting too serious for him and that he just doesn't want any "responsibilities" at the moment, but he wants to keep in contact with me. This basically means he is an ass who just wants to string me along in case he is horny next time he comes here for a holiday, right? I ignored him now for few days, and he texted me that he misses me and wants to chat to me. But I am just gonna keep ignoring him... I think deserve better?
VictorM's advice:
He started with the typical extra excitement, fueled in part by the holiday mood, and now he's realizing that he was going to fast and wants to slow down.
Girls will get stuck on a guy from day one, even before knowing much about the guy, but guys like to get to know much more about a girl, before they give up their freedom and assume responsibilities.
He may be an ass, but I wouldn't say that based on the actions you described. They just make him sound like a smart, sensible guy.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
He calls me every day and texts me throughout the day
Submitted on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
By: Wendy
Age: 37
Location: California
Question: I met this guy a month ago. He asked me out and I gave him my phone number. Since then, he calls me every day and texts me throughout the day. We've made lunch plans a few times, but he's canceled at the last minute, saying he couldn't get away from work. After a month of his calls and texts, I texted him and told him to contact me if he wanted to meet up but otherwise I was not going to respond any longer. He texted back that he was just busy. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him. Is he just not interested? If not, then why was he calling every day?
VictorM's advice:
He calls and texts because, while you may not yet be a priority to him, at least not yet, he wants to keep you in the hook. Just in case.
By: Wendy
Age: 37
Location: California
Question: I met this guy a month ago. He asked me out and I gave him my phone number. Since then, he calls me every day and texts me throughout the day. We've made lunch plans a few times, but he's canceled at the last minute, saying he couldn't get away from work. After a month of his calls and texts, I texted him and told him to contact me if he wanted to meet up but otherwise I was not going to respond any longer. He texted back that he was just busy. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him. Is he just not interested? If not, then why was he calling every day?
VictorM's advice:
He calls and texts because, while you may not yet be a priority to him, at least not yet, he wants to keep you in the hook. Just in case.
I won't hear from him for a few days
Submitted on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
By: Kaycee
Age: 20
Location: Toronto
Question: Hey Victor, I've been seeing the same guy for almost a year. At first it was more of a friendship and getting to know each other but throughout the months it became more serious and we both have told each other that we are interested in each other. But it's been on and off because one minute he'll be calling me and asking to hang out and the next I won't hear from him for a few days. When we are together he'll apologize and say he's been busy with school, work and his band and when we are together it's like we're a couple and everything is fine. And just when I thought things were becoming stable on a good path, he's disappeared again.
Am I just being hopeless continuing to wait for him or could it be he's really just busy now that his band is getting far? Or is it just a waste of my time?
I've told him once before that I don't appreciate being left behind like he does at times. I once even ignored him completely and I guess that opened his eyes a bit because things did start to get better but now it's just going back to the same routine.
Please help me out here.
VictorM's advice:
His disappearance has nothing to do with his feelings. Guys are much more emotionally self-sufficient than girls and less needy of constant contact. We are also very single-focused when we're into something.
I think most guys, if we had their druthers, that's exactly how most of us would live: attentive when we're with you, but happily doing our thing when we're not, specially if we have other passions -- and I'm sure he's passionate about his music.
Whether or not you can share him with his other passions, and accept his natural disposition to immerse himself in other activities, only you can say. Or, you could somehow navigate towards a compromise where you understand his needs and he understands yours and you find a happy medium. But you can only accomplish that if you deal with each other with respect and understanding, and avoid accusations. For after all, his behavior, as I said before, is not a reflection of his feelings, only of his natural manly instincts for self-sufficiency.
By: Kaycee
Age: 20
Location: Toronto
Question: Hey Victor, I've been seeing the same guy for almost a year. At first it was more of a friendship and getting to know each other but throughout the months it became more serious and we both have told each other that we are interested in each other. But it's been on and off because one minute he'll be calling me and asking to hang out and the next I won't hear from him for a few days. When we are together he'll apologize and say he's been busy with school, work and his band and when we are together it's like we're a couple and everything is fine. And just when I thought things were becoming stable on a good path, he's disappeared again.
Am I just being hopeless continuing to wait for him or could it be he's really just busy now that his band is getting far? Or is it just a waste of my time?
I've told him once before that I don't appreciate being left behind like he does at times. I once even ignored him completely and I guess that opened his eyes a bit because things did start to get better but now it's just going back to the same routine.
Please help me out here.
VictorM's advice:
His disappearance has nothing to do with his feelings. Guys are much more emotionally self-sufficient than girls and less needy of constant contact. We are also very single-focused when we're into something.
I think most guys, if we had their druthers, that's exactly how most of us would live: attentive when we're with you, but happily doing our thing when we're not, specially if we have other passions -- and I'm sure he's passionate about his music.
Whether or not you can share him with his other passions, and accept his natural disposition to immerse himself in other activities, only you can say. Or, you could somehow navigate towards a compromise where you understand his needs and he understands yours and you find a happy medium. But you can only accomplish that if you deal with each other with respect and understanding, and avoid accusations. For after all, his behavior, as I said before, is not a reflection of his feelings, only of his natural manly instincts for self-sufficiency.
I met him like 5 years ago on holiday
Submitted on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
By: Dee
Age: 22
Location: Swazyland
Question: I met him like 5 years ago on holiday. We stayed in touch until today. We have only met several times (first time on holiday where we met, second time when i was in uk with school and about a month ago when i went to uk for holidays). i slept with him the last day i saw him and i thought it would be just that night without any feelings involved. unfortunately i fell in love with him. well, not exactly love, but i started to develop feelings for him. he still keeps on texting me or calling me and i really do like him. i guess he likes me too, but i don't know if he likes me as much as i do like him. my question is, if i should tell him that i like him a lot or not. if he lived in the same city or at least in the same country it wouldn't be that complicated, but unfortunately he doesn't...
VictorM's advice:
What exactly are you expecting to accomplish by telling him that you like him? It's not as if he doesn't already know that. By saying it, it's normal to assume you have a goal. What is it?
Just make sure you have the answer to that question before you say anything. Because unlike girls, who have the need to speak of their feelings, guys are more goal oriented. He's going to assume you have a goal in mind.
By: Dee
Age: 22
Location: Swazyland
Question: I met him like 5 years ago on holiday. We stayed in touch until today. We have only met several times (first time on holiday where we met, second time when i was in uk with school and about a month ago when i went to uk for holidays). i slept with him the last day i saw him and i thought it would be just that night without any feelings involved. unfortunately i fell in love with him. well, not exactly love, but i started to develop feelings for him. he still keeps on texting me or calling me and i really do like him. i guess he likes me too, but i don't know if he likes me as much as i do like him. my question is, if i should tell him that i like him a lot or not. if he lived in the same city or at least in the same country it wouldn't be that complicated, but unfortunately he doesn't...
VictorM's advice:
What exactly are you expecting to accomplish by telling him that you like him? It's not as if he doesn't already know that. By saying it, it's normal to assume you have a goal. What is it?
Just make sure you have the answer to that question before you say anything. Because unlike girls, who have the need to speak of their feelings, guys are more goal oriented. He's going to assume you have a goal in mind.
He liked me a lot but wasn't ready for a relationship
Submitted on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
By: Laura
Age: 25
Location: New York
Question: I was dating a guy and told me he liked me a lot but wasn't ready for a relationship after it felt like we were in one for about 2 months. Then I caught him texting his ex who moved away and broke his heart several months ago, but he doesen't know that. I got frustrated about 2 weeks ago and told him I couldn't do this anymore as he was spending hardly anytime with me (maybe once every 10 days) anymore and I felt second best. So he said the pressure was too much right now and he didn't want to only be my friend but had no choice. He didn't even contact me on valentine's day, so now I'm writing him off. Is this the best choice there is any chance he will realize what he lost? cut off all communication for now?
VictorM's advice:
It's normal to feel very close to a girl during the initial stages of getting to know her. At some point, it's possible for the guy to realize that the girl is not his match. And that's what happened. He simply ceased to be into you.
It's good you've written him off because he has written you off too.
By: Laura
Age: 25
Location: New York
Question: I was dating a guy and told me he liked me a lot but wasn't ready for a relationship after it felt like we were in one for about 2 months. Then I caught him texting his ex who moved away and broke his heart several months ago, but he doesen't know that. I got frustrated about 2 weeks ago and told him I couldn't do this anymore as he was spending hardly anytime with me (maybe once every 10 days) anymore and I felt second best. So he said the pressure was too much right now and he didn't want to only be my friend but had no choice. He didn't even contact me on valentine's day, so now I'm writing him off. Is this the best choice there is any chance he will realize what he lost? cut off all communication for now?
VictorM's advice:
It's normal to feel very close to a girl during the initial stages of getting to know her. At some point, it's possible for the guy to realize that the girl is not his match. And that's what happened. He simply ceased to be into you.
It's good you've written him off because he has written you off too.
He stated that he wanted a chase
Submitted on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
By: SOFIA
Age: 23
Location: WICHITA KS
Question: OK, so i'm with this guy and we've been together for about 6 months. Everything is going great as far as a relationship... We see each other 3 or 4 times a week, text often but we both work 2 jobs a piece and the time we get with each other is limited. The other day we had a conversation and he stated that he wanted a chase... What does that mean when a guy your with says he wants a chase???? What is there to chase when you've been with someone... I understand the chase to get someone but not when your already with someone... And he also says he needs time to miss me??? What does that mean?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
It means that you're living in a fantasy world when you say "everything is going great." It's not! The number of times you see each other and text each other is not how you measure how great things are going. Basically, it sounds like from his perspective, the relationship is going stale, boring, too steady, perhaps.
I'm not sure exactly when he's looking for, but guys have a basic need to feel they must work for the attention and affection of their mate, otherwise they get lazy. The good news is that instead of letting that happen to him, your guy is crying out for changes, for excitement, and he's telling you so, even if he's not spelling things out.
Your job is to get past what the words mean and to figure out what exactly he's looking for. What excites him, what turns him now, and to get off your cloud nine that everything is great. Listen to him. Ask him questions without judging him.
By: SOFIA
Age: 23
Location: WICHITA KS
Question: OK, so i'm with this guy and we've been together for about 6 months. Everything is going great as far as a relationship... We see each other 3 or 4 times a week, text often but we both work 2 jobs a piece and the time we get with each other is limited. The other day we had a conversation and he stated that he wanted a chase... What does that mean when a guy your with says he wants a chase???? What is there to chase when you've been with someone... I understand the chase to get someone but not when your already with someone... And he also says he needs time to miss me??? What does that mean?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
It means that you're living in a fantasy world when you say "everything is going great." It's not! The number of times you see each other and text each other is not how you measure how great things are going. Basically, it sounds like from his perspective, the relationship is going stale, boring, too steady, perhaps.
I'm not sure exactly when he's looking for, but guys have a basic need to feel they must work for the attention and affection of their mate, otherwise they get lazy. The good news is that instead of letting that happen to him, your guy is crying out for changes, for excitement, and he's telling you so, even if he's not spelling things out.
Your job is to get past what the words mean and to figure out what exactly he's looking for. What excites him, what turns him now, and to get off your cloud nine that everything is great. Listen to him. Ask him questions without judging him.
I'm not sure if what he says is really true
Submitted on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
By: samantha
Age: 16
Location: nc
Question: ok well theres this guy that i've been talking to for a while now and i really like him. but there's a problem. i'm not sure if what he says is really true. he tells me he really likes me and that he cares for me but i'm not so sure of that. we've never argued except once. and it was about me quitting modeling so that i'd have more time with him, and if i wouldn't have quit i'd be traveling all over the world. so i quit for him because that's how much he means to me. i know we're not dating yet but we're going day by day. we talk about dating, but we just don't want to rush into anything because we've both been hurt way too many times. and he tells me not to talk to other guys [like flirt with them and do anything sexually with them]. it's kind of hard not to talk to other guys because ever since i've met him so many guys have talked to me and tried taking me on dates but i have to say no since the guy told me not to. what do i do? is he telling me the truth or is it all just lies?
VictorM's advice:
I can understand how he would feel insecure about a girl who has the looks to be traveling around the world modeling. But if you keep giving in to guys' insecurities you are going to be a very unhappy girl. Don't do it. I'm not saying you shouldn't respect him but you shouldn't go out with other guys if you choose it, not because he tells you not to. And heck, you're not even boyfriend/girlfriend.
As to whether he's telling the truth or lying, I have no idea. But your previous hurt, I'm willing to bet, didn't come from someone lying as much as from someone changing their feelings towards you. And you run that risk each and every time you fall for someone.
By: samantha
Age: 16
Location: nc
Question: ok well theres this guy that i've been talking to for a while now and i really like him. but there's a problem. i'm not sure if what he says is really true. he tells me he really likes me and that he cares for me but i'm not so sure of that. we've never argued except once. and it was about me quitting modeling so that i'd have more time with him, and if i wouldn't have quit i'd be traveling all over the world. so i quit for him because that's how much he means to me. i know we're not dating yet but we're going day by day. we talk about dating, but we just don't want to rush into anything because we've both been hurt way too many times. and he tells me not to talk to other guys [like flirt with them and do anything sexually with them]. it's kind of hard not to talk to other guys because ever since i've met him so many guys have talked to me and tried taking me on dates but i have to say no since the guy told me not to. what do i do? is he telling me the truth or is it all just lies?
VictorM's advice:
I can understand how he would feel insecure about a girl who has the looks to be traveling around the world modeling. But if you keep giving in to guys' insecurities you are going to be a very unhappy girl. Don't do it. I'm not saying you shouldn't respect him but you shouldn't go out with other guys if you choose it, not because he tells you not to. And heck, you're not even boyfriend/girlfriend.
As to whether he's telling the truth or lying, I have no idea. But your previous hurt, I'm willing to bet, didn't come from someone lying as much as from someone changing their feelings towards you. And you run that risk each and every time you fall for someone.
I hooked up with a guy a couple times
Submitted on Tuesday, February 17, 2009
By: caitlin reed
Age: 19
Location: texas
Question: I hooked up with a guy a couple times. we went on a trip together and everything. But he has a biggggg reputation of just hooking up. One night he drunkenly told me he wanted to date me. But after that night he really doesn't talk to me much anymore. What do i do??
VictorM's advice:
If what you're after is something serious, just thank your lucky stars he stays away -- the boy simply is not ready for anything but hooking around. If all you want is hooking up, carry booze with you in case you bump into him.
By: caitlin reed
Age: 19
Location: texas
Question: I hooked up with a guy a couple times. we went on a trip together and everything. But he has a biggggg reputation of just hooking up. One night he drunkenly told me he wanted to date me. But after that night he really doesn't talk to me much anymore. What do i do??
VictorM's advice:
If what you're after is something serious, just thank your lucky stars he stays away -- the boy simply is not ready for anything but hooking around. If all you want is hooking up, carry booze with you in case you bump into him.
You're into him more just as friends
Submitted on Tuesday, February 17, 2009
By: Sunshine
Age: 21
Location: Australia
Question: Hey Vic, hope things are going well for you! I have a pretty simple (I hope) question this time.
I know you've mentioned this a gazillion times in other replies, but honestly, how can you hint to a guy (subtly, not very obviously) that you're into him more just as friends? I'm not talking about the whole "That shirt looks good on you" kinda thing, or compliments like that. I don't think those would do as much in this case coz basically I'm talking about a guy who I've known for years and have been good friends with for the last couple.
Over the last few months those feelings have kinda evolved and I *think* it may be possible he sees something in me too. But I really can't tell coz he does nice things, says sweet stuff and I think wow, I think he's into me. But then I think, wait, he's just generally such a nice guy (he really is, it's pretty amazing) so he could easily just be being himself coz I reckon he's like this with everyone! Gah so confusing.
So, I've tried hinting here and there and once I think he did pick it up but then thought I was joking, so that killed it. What can I say/do to (indirectly) let him know?
P.S. He's a very confident guy, teases me heaps, but when it comes down to it he seems pretty shy in this department i.e. he doesn't really flirt (with other girls either), it's just not his thing.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Sunshine. Long time no see.
Well, guys and hints don't really go together very well. You could come out and tell him seriously, but I don't really advise that, as I'm sure you know already.
What you need to do is cease to treat him as a friend and start acting as if he's your date. That means, planning more activities between just you two. If you go somewhere at night, dress like you would for a date. You know, sexy dress, make up, etc. If you do casual things, dress to impress (tighter clothes). Invade his space (that is, stand closer to him that you normally do). Become more touchy-feely, touching his forearm, his shoulder, and leaning closer to him more often. Hold your gaze a little longer than usual. Look at his mouth when he talks.
Eventually, he'll either start avoiding you (if he's not interested in more than friendship), or he won't resists you.
So, Sunshine, time to bask him in your glow and sunburn his arse. :)
By: Sunshine
Age: 21
Location: Australia
Question: Hey Vic, hope things are going well for you! I have a pretty simple (I hope) question this time.
I know you've mentioned this a gazillion times in other replies, but honestly, how can you hint to a guy (subtly, not very obviously) that you're into him more just as friends? I'm not talking about the whole "That shirt looks good on you" kinda thing, or compliments like that. I don't think those would do as much in this case coz basically I'm talking about a guy who I've known for years and have been good friends with for the last couple.
Over the last few months those feelings have kinda evolved and I *think* it may be possible he sees something in me too. But I really can't tell coz he does nice things, says sweet stuff and I think wow, I think he's into me. But then I think, wait, he's just generally such a nice guy (he really is, it's pretty amazing) so he could easily just be being himself coz I reckon he's like this with everyone! Gah so confusing.
So, I've tried hinting here and there and once I think he did pick it up but then thought I was joking, so that killed it. What can I say/do to (indirectly) let him know?
P.S. He's a very confident guy, teases me heaps, but when it comes down to it he seems pretty shy in this department i.e. he doesn't really flirt (with other girls either), it's just not his thing.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Sunshine. Long time no see.
Well, guys and hints don't really go together very well. You could come out and tell him seriously, but I don't really advise that, as I'm sure you know already.
What you need to do is cease to treat him as a friend and start acting as if he's your date. That means, planning more activities between just you two. If you go somewhere at night, dress like you would for a date. You know, sexy dress, make up, etc. If you do casual things, dress to impress (tighter clothes). Invade his space (that is, stand closer to him that you normally do). Become more touchy-feely, touching his forearm, his shoulder, and leaning closer to him more often. Hold your gaze a little longer than usual. Look at his mouth when he talks.
Eventually, he'll either start avoiding you (if he's not interested in more than friendship), or he won't resists you.
So, Sunshine, time to bask him in your glow and sunburn his arse. :)
He came home with me and we hooked up
Submitted on Tuesday, February 17, 2009
By: Amanda
Age: 21
Location: Southern California
Question: I met a guy via his roommate (my close friend) at a bar. he came home with me and we hooked up (no sex). i had to ask for his # but he's always the one to call me. every time we hang out with our mutual friend, i end up sleeping in his bed and we always just cuddle and kiss. the next day we usually hang out until the late afternoon. then i don't see/hear from him again until with our mutual friend (every couple of weeks). he calls me drunk fairly often and asks me to come over "just to cuddle" but i don't... okay one time i did but we literally did just cuddle. he also told me he doesn't want a gf. i'm really not getting my feelings hurt over it yet but i do notice myself liking him progressively more each time. also, he's completely affectionate in bed but really difficult to have a convo with in public settings. i guess i'm answering my own question, but does he just see me as being convenient? also, am i being used even though there isn't any sex involved?
VictorM's advice:
*Pet peeve alert*... How can you possibly be used when: a) he told you he doesn't want a girlfriend, b) he doesn't contact you unless you're meeting in a group, c) you see him of your own free will? Grrr... you girls really need to drop that "being used" excuse for doing something you chose to do.
Guys love the feel and smell of the female body. We absolutely do not have to have any feelings for a girl to enjoy her physical presence. And that's all that is going on. He likes cuddling with you from time to time, and it doesn't have to mean a damn thing to him. So yeah, "convenience" is a good way to describe what you mean to him.
Interesting that you're gradually liking a guy more even though he can't carry a conversation in public. Because thoughts, and an ability to express them, is so overrated. :)
By: Amanda
Age: 21
Location: Southern California
Question: I met a guy via his roommate (my close friend) at a bar. he came home with me and we hooked up (no sex). i had to ask for his # but he's always the one to call me. every time we hang out with our mutual friend, i end up sleeping in his bed and we always just cuddle and kiss. the next day we usually hang out until the late afternoon. then i don't see/hear from him again until with our mutual friend (every couple of weeks). he calls me drunk fairly often and asks me to come over "just to cuddle" but i don't... okay one time i did but we literally did just cuddle. he also told me he doesn't want a gf. i'm really not getting my feelings hurt over it yet but i do notice myself liking him progressively more each time. also, he's completely affectionate in bed but really difficult to have a convo with in public settings. i guess i'm answering my own question, but does he just see me as being convenient? also, am i being used even though there isn't any sex involved?
VictorM's advice:
*Pet peeve alert*... How can you possibly be used when: a) he told you he doesn't want a girlfriend, b) he doesn't contact you unless you're meeting in a group, c) you see him of your own free will? Grrr... you girls really need to drop that "being used" excuse for doing something you chose to do.
Guys love the feel and smell of the female body. We absolutely do not have to have any feelings for a girl to enjoy her physical presence. And that's all that is going on. He likes cuddling with you from time to time, and it doesn't have to mean a damn thing to him. So yeah, "convenience" is a good way to describe what you mean to him.
Interesting that you're gradually liking a guy more even though he can't carry a conversation in public. Because thoughts, and an ability to express them, is so overrated. :)
Is he ashamed of me?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 17, 2009
By: annon.
Age: 25
Location: nh
Question: Is he ashamed of me?
I've been seeing a man older than me and before dating we were friends for a about a year. I've always been told I'm extremely attractive and have a great personality, which he always agreed with. Soon as we started dating he immediately started to blow me off, and made constant excuses for me not to meet his friends or family. Am I being played, or is he ashamed of dating a younger woman?
VictorM's advice:
He's not ashamed of you; he's embarrassed for himself. He feels older around your friends, and uncomfortable about what your family will think of him.
There's a good chance you are his chest-beating young thing that makes him feel better himself in some respects and worst in others.
By: annon.
Age: 25
Location: nh
Question: Is he ashamed of me?
I've been seeing a man older than me and before dating we were friends for a about a year. I've always been told I'm extremely attractive and have a great personality, which he always agreed with. Soon as we started dating he immediately started to blow me off, and made constant excuses for me not to meet his friends or family. Am I being played, or is he ashamed of dating a younger woman?
VictorM's advice:
He's not ashamed of you; he's embarrassed for himself. He feels older around your friends, and uncomfortable about what your family will think of him.
There's a good chance you are his chest-beating young thing that makes him feel better himself in some respects and worst in others.
How do you ask a guy to have a one night stand
Submitted on Tuesday, February 17, 2009
By: Ashley
Age: 20
Location: Bessesmer, Alabama
Question: How do you ask a guy to have a one night stand without sounding desperate
VictorM's advice:
You just ask. That whole "sounding desperate" thing is only on your mind, not his.
By: Ashley
Age: 20
Location: Bessesmer, Alabama
Question: How do you ask a guy to have a one night stand without sounding desperate
VictorM's advice:
You just ask. That whole "sounding desperate" thing is only on your mind, not his.
I took this to be small-talk
Submitted on Tuesday, February 17, 2009
By: Nita
Location: OK
Question: Hello Victor: Needless to say, I'm quite confused! Several months ago, I had asked the gentleman to dinner, to "kick things up a notch", and he replied "I think I need to pass - thanks for asking". Not a problem, at least I knew - I had resolution, or, so I thought. Well, this past week, we happened to attend the same meeting. He saw me in the conference room, sat down beside me, said "I'm so happy to see you", "you look wonderful", "how have you been?", "the building is so empty now that you are gone". I took this to be small-talk. He continued to compliment me, repeated that it was so nice to see me, how terrific I looked, how nice my cologne smells. He touched my arm and shoulder several times. Again, I'm interpreting this as nice, kind, gestures. As the meeting concluded he asked, "so, any plans for the weekend?". Assuming this to be more small-talk, I just smiled. Again, he asked, "any big plans for the weekend?". I smiled and said, "I've got to get back to the lab. Nice to see you." Did he want to see if I was upset about dinner? Was this a test? He declined my dinner invite - simple enough. My assumption is he is not interested. Is he just being kind? As much as I thought I had moved on, it has not been a long enough period of time for me to not still have a romantic interest. This impromptu seeing him, talking to him, was more difficult than I thought it would be...I'm not interested in being his buddy or pal. Is that too harsh of me? Any advise you have is always greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Nita. Welcome back.
His "small-talk" was not small-talk, and it wasn't a sign of interest in you either -- it was an exercise in control.
See, when a female confides to a guy that she likes him -- and in essence you have done that -- she transfers control to him. Now, I don't mean to suggest that guys always exercise that control with malice -- in fact, I believe that most often they do not. I'd be willing to bet that if he's a decent man and he knew how that affects you, he would cease, but he's seeing the world purely from his perspective, and here he is sitting with a woman he knows likes him more than he likes her. His ego gets significantly inflated. He feels now free and confident enough to dish out all the compliments and sweet talking he can think of.
In addition to an ego boost, it's quite conceivable that in his mind he thinks that what he was doing was helping you by making you feel better about yourself. This is another illustration of how guys and girls think differently: he, focusing on the physical, praises your looks and your perfume; you, focusing on the feelings, can't help getting confused and wondering what he might have meant by those words.
The brutal truth? Nita, he's not into you romantically. And if you stay friends with him, you can only expect more of the same.
By: Nita
Location: OK
Question: Hello Victor: Needless to say, I'm quite confused! Several months ago, I had asked the gentleman to dinner, to "kick things up a notch", and he replied "I think I need to pass - thanks for asking". Not a problem, at least I knew - I had resolution, or, so I thought. Well, this past week, we happened to attend the same meeting. He saw me in the conference room, sat down beside me, said "I'm so happy to see you", "you look wonderful", "how have you been?", "the building is so empty now that you are gone". I took this to be small-talk. He continued to compliment me, repeated that it was so nice to see me, how terrific I looked, how nice my cologne smells. He touched my arm and shoulder several times. Again, I'm interpreting this as nice, kind, gestures. As the meeting concluded he asked, "so, any plans for the weekend?". Assuming this to be more small-talk, I just smiled. Again, he asked, "any big plans for the weekend?". I smiled and said, "I've got to get back to the lab. Nice to see you." Did he want to see if I was upset about dinner? Was this a test? He declined my dinner invite - simple enough. My assumption is he is not interested. Is he just being kind? As much as I thought I had moved on, it has not been a long enough period of time for me to not still have a romantic interest. This impromptu seeing him, talking to him, was more difficult than I thought it would be...I'm not interested in being his buddy or pal. Is that too harsh of me? Any advise you have is always greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Nita. Welcome back.
His "small-talk" was not small-talk, and it wasn't a sign of interest in you either -- it was an exercise in control.
See, when a female confides to a guy that she likes him -- and in essence you have done that -- she transfers control to him. Now, I don't mean to suggest that guys always exercise that control with malice -- in fact, I believe that most often they do not. I'd be willing to bet that if he's a decent man and he knew how that affects you, he would cease, but he's seeing the world purely from his perspective, and here he is sitting with a woman he knows likes him more than he likes her. His ego gets significantly inflated. He feels now free and confident enough to dish out all the compliments and sweet talking he can think of.
In addition to an ego boost, it's quite conceivable that in his mind he thinks that what he was doing was helping you by making you feel better about yourself. This is another illustration of how guys and girls think differently: he, focusing on the physical, praises your looks and your perfume; you, focusing on the feelings, can't help getting confused and wondering what he might have meant by those words.
The brutal truth? Nita, he's not into you romantically. And if you stay friends with him, you can only expect more of the same.
I need help from anyone who will listen
Submitted on Monday, February 16, 2009
By: Alex
Age: 27
Location: New Jersey
Question: what do i do...i know i'm a guy and your thing is for girls, but I need help from anyone who will listen. Here is a recent email from her:
VictorM's advice:
I'm asking the females to chime in and let Alex hear what he needs to hear.
Let me get this straight: you cheated on your girlfriend with Steph and recently she caught you having contact with this same Steph. Is this right?
Your girlfriend and Steph can not both exist in your world. One of them has to disappear completely from your life. Either tell your girlfriend you can't accommodate her wishes and that her pain is none of your concern, or boot Steph from your life, in every respect.
This isn't about logic, or excuses, or fairness, or anything else other than being sensitive to your girlfriend's feelings. She's not asking for too much, given the circumstances. She's asking for respect, and that's the least you can do if you love her. And if you do, I don't care what Steph meant in your life; right now she should cease to exist as far as you're concerned.
But, chances are that you're still poking this Steph, or aren't willing to burn that bridge. If so, I hope you have the decency to leave your girlfriend alone and allow her to move on by telling her that you are not in love with her.
By: Alex
Age: 27
Location: New Jersey
Question: what do i do...i know i'm a guy and your thing is for girls, but I need help from anyone who will listen. Here is a recent email from her:
I was just sitting here and thinking and crying and everything and I just realize that there is so much more to all of this that im trying not to think about. Im so hurt over the fact that I could be losing you but in all reality there’s things that have not even been explained to me. When I looked at that phone last night, I didn’t just look at the text msgs, I looked at the recent calls too, and there was in and an out from her number too, so not only have you been texting her, you have been honestly 100% been talking talking to her, and you still have the nerve to say you did nothing wrong? How and why??
If you feel you have done nothing wrong, you don’t respect me or my feelings and I 100% want you to get out of my life. Because, I deserve respect.. you want to try to make me feel like im the bad guy in all this, like I did something wrong and that I was the one who ruined this…but you know what, I didn’t… I didn’t ask to fall in love with someone that would do all of this to me and you know how I feel about Steph and have felt about her for how long, you do not realize how much you have hurt me and here I am sitting here wondering how I can keep you in my life….do you not get how in love with you that I am…do you not get that I cry and cry and cry because of how in love with you I am and how much I want you to be in my life and how much I despise what you did to me.
I keep asking myself, how can this work with him, I keep trying to feel okay and trust you…I have felt badly for so long about making you feel bad for having to live with what you did for so long….but the more I think about it I see that I was never wrong for feeling the way I felt. I never deserved this. I didn’t ask for this.
I feel in love with someone that from the moment I meant him wanted the best of both worlds…and in the long run, im the one hurting and sitting here aching…im the one sitting here trying to figure out how I cant lose you…when in reality- did I ever even have you?
I deserve to be loved 100% and I deserve to have someone that smiles when he see’s me and wants to see me whenever he can, I deserve to not feel like I haven’t done enough to make that person happy when in all realtiy I have done everything possible.
I was 100% happy with you…..I still want to be that…..but it’s so different now….
I don’t feel like you love me, I don’t understand why you still feel the need to talk to steph….i don’t understand why I was never good enough for you.
I have always done my best, I have always held you when you cried, reached out my hand to help you when you were down , Helped you look for a job when you were jobless, rubbed your neck, shoulders and back, held you at night and in the early morning…..i have done my absolute best to contstantly show you and tell you what you mean to me Travis and what have I got in return for it?
You always have told me how much Laurie hurt you and what that did to you and yet you say you do not understand why I am so hurt at the fact that you are still in communication with the person you cheated on me with….how does that make any sense…if anything I would have thought that you would understand my hurt more then anyone and try to help me through it and show me your there for me but instead I just got distance from you…..
Everyone is telling me how stupid I am that I am even thinking about how this could work, everyone is saying that you don’t respect me and that does have me questioning if you ever really truly respected me or my feelings…..or if you just played me for a fool this whole time…..
Did you ever truly love me??
My letters to you are going to be harsh and I am sorry, but I am in so much pain right now, and that is why I can not speak to you, I can not stop crying, I feel so sick and so weak, its hard to even walk the stairs…I have never felt this way, this is honestly more painful then it was losing my grandmother, who as you know meant the universe to me…
Even last night, you just kept saying Ill leave you be, ill be the asshole….its like, is that what you want? Me and you over so you can be with whomever you want?
The fact that you are still talking to steph makes it very clear that you obviously still have some kind of deep connection with her, because last night you said you didn’t even know what was going on with her life really, yet if it was as simply as that, why would it be so hard for you to just not talk to her. You are the one saying that there has really been no point to talk to her this whole time, you are the one that says even though you talk you know nothing….so whats the point in continuing to talk to her?? What’s the point in breaking up a relationship of 3 years for that??
I want a family, I want kids, I want to live a full life and be happy unlike the relationship I hold with my own family, I want one of my own to be wonderful, I want to take my kids places and I want to be their friend and I want them to know that they can talk to me whenever and I never want them to feel like they can’t….I want that more than anything and that is what I have been trying to tell you….
The way you talk to me sometimes about the car and about my job makes me feel like you see me as lazy, but in all reality you have no idea the dreams I have and my goals to reach…I strive everyday, I have what I have because I do my absolute best to get it, I have never been handed anything in my life nor do I want anything in my life to be handed to me……I want to work for everything I owe or will owe….i can’t help that my family see’s bad…I can’t help that my parents don’t feel like you respect me, and now more then ever as I am sitting here, losing you, deciding on what I can handle and what I can’t handle, I see all of their concerns…and they are so not wrong for them…..
All they want is for me to be happy, and as much as I love you and I am happy with you, they never saw it because they didn’t have any blindfolds on, and now that I look back on everything, I can not help but ask the same questions they have been wondering all along, Does he truly love our daughter? Does he respect her for who she is? Does he see the potential she has and the life he would have with her?
I am a good person, I am loving, caring and fun and this is something you know….but is it something you cared about?
Did you take this all for granted? Telling me how I shouldn’t worry, how I should just trust you that your out with the guys…..when I was worried that Steph was still part of it all….these are the words you have told me “ Amy you have nothing to worry about”…….nothing? I ask you again Nothing??? When here you are now, after I had to find out on my own…..you have been talking to her…..and to make it all so much worse, I am sure that atleast 1 of the times you had told me “ Amy please don’t worry” when you went out that you were speaking to her that same day….and you knew my concerns….and they were true…and still had the “nerve” to say “ Amy you don’t have to worry”…..
Do you not see why I am so distraught right now? Do you not see how much I love you? Do you not see what all I have endorsed and dealt with because my love for you is so strong??
I need you to know how I am feeling…100%, this isn’t to hurt you….you just need to understand…
VictorM's advice:
I'm asking the females to chime in and let Alex hear what he needs to hear.
Let me get this straight: you cheated on your girlfriend with Steph and recently she caught you having contact with this same Steph. Is this right?
Your girlfriend and Steph can not both exist in your world. One of them has to disappear completely from your life. Either tell your girlfriend you can't accommodate her wishes and that her pain is none of your concern, or boot Steph from your life, in every respect.
This isn't about logic, or excuses, or fairness, or anything else other than being sensitive to your girlfriend's feelings. She's not asking for too much, given the circumstances. She's asking for respect, and that's the least you can do if you love her. And if you do, I don't care what Steph meant in your life; right now she should cease to exist as far as you're concerned.
But, chances are that you're still poking this Steph, or aren't willing to burn that bridge. If so, I hope you have the decency to leave your girlfriend alone and allow her to move on by telling her that you are not in love with her.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
It seems like he flirts with me all the time
Submitted on Monday, February 16, 2009
By: K
Age: 15
Question: i asked my crush out a month ago and he said he just wanted to be friends. until that point, we'd been buddies for about 2 months. it was awkward for a week or so and then he became more and more friendly and now it seems like he flirts with me all the time!
~he says hi to me a million times when he sees me and then smiles and looks into my eyes
~he’s tried to hug me a couple of times in the last week
~we have actual conversations
~we have good eye contact and he smiles a lot at me
~he treats me differently than other girls: he’s a lot friendlier and nicer to me. friends of mine who have classes with him say he’s always sleepy, quiet and sort of depressed looking, but whenever i see him in the hall or when we have class together, he’s awake and energetic and bubbly.
but when i try to text him it can take him an hour or more to get back to me (but his friends say he is just very slow at replying) and generally our convos don’t last long.
i still like him quite a bit. my friends are saying now that i've given him a lot of space and acted as though i'm over him, he's seen what he's missing and is starting to like me. do you think that he likes me? and if he does, what can i do? i'm pretty much positive that he won't ask me out and i'm sort of frustrated with holding out for something to happen.
VictorM's advice:
He flirts with you because he knows he can. Flirting doesn't mean he likes you, just means he likes flirting. Guys usually flirt because it makes them feel good about themselves, more so when they know they won't be rejected.
I have no idea if he likes you, but if you cooled off and appear less interested, and he's seeking your attention, that's a good thing. Make him work for it.
By: K
Age: 15
Question: i asked my crush out a month ago and he said he just wanted to be friends. until that point, we'd been buddies for about 2 months. it was awkward for a week or so and then he became more and more friendly and now it seems like he flirts with me all the time!
~he says hi to me a million times when he sees me and then smiles and looks into my eyes
~he’s tried to hug me a couple of times in the last week
~we have actual conversations
~we have good eye contact and he smiles a lot at me
~he treats me differently than other girls: he’s a lot friendlier and nicer to me. friends of mine who have classes with him say he’s always sleepy, quiet and sort of depressed looking, but whenever i see him in the hall or when we have class together, he’s awake and energetic and bubbly.
but when i try to text him it can take him an hour or more to get back to me (but his friends say he is just very slow at replying) and generally our convos don’t last long.
i still like him quite a bit. my friends are saying now that i've given him a lot of space and acted as though i'm over him, he's seen what he's missing and is starting to like me. do you think that he likes me? and if he does, what can i do? i'm pretty much positive that he won't ask me out and i'm sort of frustrated with holding out for something to happen.
VictorM's advice:
He flirts with you because he knows he can. Flirting doesn't mean he likes you, just means he likes flirting. Guys usually flirt because it makes them feel good about themselves, more so when they know they won't be rejected.
I have no idea if he likes you, but if you cooled off and appear less interested, and he's seeking your attention, that's a good thing. Make him work for it.
He's very sweet and funny
Submitted on Monday, February 16, 2009
By: Therese
Age: 33
Location: Columbus, OH
Question: At work, there is this guy I have a crush on. He's very sweet and funny, but he's also a bit on the immature and irresponsible side. He's 23 (ten years younger than me) and still lives with his parents, but he's been making a decision on where to go next with his schooling, so I don't completely fault him for living at home. He has said a few times in the past that he doesn't want a relationship right now, that he could have one if he wanted, that he doesn't know where he'll be living in a year, etc. These things weren't specifically told to just me, he has just said them in conversation.
I think he may have at least an attraction to me, but probably doesn't know what to do with it or is not even sure if he wants to do anything with it. He's generally nice to just about everyone, but at times he's semi-flirtatious with me. He will ask me to go on lunch break and whatnot with him (albeit kind of awkwardly), and when we sit together I catch him staring at me when I'm looking away, or when we're talking he looks at my mouth a lot (those little body language cues people claim are flirtatious). Sometimes, though, he will ignore me for a while and then suddenly ask a question like "did you do something different to your hair? It looks a little different today".
My question is, is this guy flirting with me, or just being nice? I know he's not into a relationship right now, but I wouldn't be opposed to doing things together outside of work, like casually dating. I'm afraid suggesting such a thing might make him think I'm looking for something serious, though.
I'm also wondering if maybe he's just being flirty with me because I'm older and he doesn't expect me to be attracted in return? For what it's worth, I don't look or act 33. He was surprised to hear that I was older than 25.
VictorM's advice:
He may very well be flirting, but flirting doesn't mean interest. Guys flirt to feel better about themselves, and if the woman is attractive and older (based on his age), and she responds, well... it's chest beating time. But does that mean he's interested in a relationship? Not necessarily.
If you want to test the waters with low risk, 1) get him out of the work environment first, and 2) see if he's interested in going with you alone somewhere (for example, a movie, or a ball game) but not as a date. More like a casual outing (ex. if he likes movies and there's one he wants to see but hasn't yet, just say "Oh yeah, I'd love to see that movie too, but I'd hate to go alone. Why don't we go together on Saturday?"
Then see where it goes from there.
By: Therese
Age: 33
Location: Columbus, OH
Question: At work, there is this guy I have a crush on. He's very sweet and funny, but he's also a bit on the immature and irresponsible side. He's 23 (ten years younger than me) and still lives with his parents, but he's been making a decision on where to go next with his schooling, so I don't completely fault him for living at home. He has said a few times in the past that he doesn't want a relationship right now, that he could have one if he wanted, that he doesn't know where he'll be living in a year, etc. These things weren't specifically told to just me, he has just said them in conversation.
I think he may have at least an attraction to me, but probably doesn't know what to do with it or is not even sure if he wants to do anything with it. He's generally nice to just about everyone, but at times he's semi-flirtatious with me. He will ask me to go on lunch break and whatnot with him (albeit kind of awkwardly), and when we sit together I catch him staring at me when I'm looking away, or when we're talking he looks at my mouth a lot (those little body language cues people claim are flirtatious). Sometimes, though, he will ignore me for a while and then suddenly ask a question like "did you do something different to your hair? It looks a little different today".
My question is, is this guy flirting with me, or just being nice? I know he's not into a relationship right now, but I wouldn't be opposed to doing things together outside of work, like casually dating. I'm afraid suggesting such a thing might make him think I'm looking for something serious, though.
I'm also wondering if maybe he's just being flirty with me because I'm older and he doesn't expect me to be attracted in return? For what it's worth, I don't look or act 33. He was surprised to hear that I was older than 25.
VictorM's advice:
He may very well be flirting, but flirting doesn't mean interest. Guys flirt to feel better about themselves, and if the woman is attractive and older (based on his age), and she responds, well... it's chest beating time. But does that mean he's interested in a relationship? Not necessarily.
If you want to test the waters with low risk, 1) get him out of the work environment first, and 2) see if he's interested in going with you alone somewhere (for example, a movie, or a ball game) but not as a date. More like a casual outing (ex. if he likes movies and there's one he wants to see but hasn't yet, just say "Oh yeah, I'd love to see that movie too, but I'd hate to go alone. Why don't we go together on Saturday?"
Then see where it goes from there.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Message for Eirn, from Ireland
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
He never seemed to pick up my signals
Submitted on Sunday, February 15, 2009
By: Megan
Age: 18
Location: California
Question: Hey,
Ok, so I have had feelings for this guy for almost 3 years now, and he is so confusing. He never seemed to pick up my signals, so I temporarily gave up on him. We have recently rekindled our friendship, and we talk every night, but I initiate conversations, like, all the time. A couple of days ago, after I had made up with him after being mad at him for his poor communication skills, I told this guy I was attracted to him, but haven't decided whether or not I liked him or not, which I do, but I'm not telling him that unless he says he likes me. Well, I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious, and that we are just friends. Well, he still doesn't initiate conversations, but he has been nicer to me on AIM, and he called me "girl" for the first time. He has not told me if he felt the same way or not, but I feel as if he is opening a door for future possibilities. Could this be true? Could he possibly feel the same way?
Please let me know, soon...I'm so confused right now, it's crazy...X]
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he got your signals -- he just wasn't interested in them. His communication skills may suck but your reception isn't any better.
Megan, if a guy doesn't contact you, it's time for you to get the signal -- he's not interested in you.
You're imagining doors opening where there doesn't even appear to be a door.
By: Megan
Age: 18
Location: California
Question: Hey,
Ok, so I have had feelings for this guy for almost 3 years now, and he is so confusing. He never seemed to pick up my signals, so I temporarily gave up on him. We have recently rekindled our friendship, and we talk every night, but I initiate conversations, like, all the time. A couple of days ago, after I had made up with him after being mad at him for his poor communication skills, I told this guy I was attracted to him, but haven't decided whether or not I liked him or not, which I do, but I'm not telling him that unless he says he likes me. Well, I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious, and that we are just friends. Well, he still doesn't initiate conversations, but he has been nicer to me on AIM, and he called me "girl" for the first time. He has not told me if he felt the same way or not, but I feel as if he is opening a door for future possibilities. Could this be true? Could he possibly feel the same way?
Please let me know, soon...I'm so confused right now, it's crazy...X]
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he got your signals -- he just wasn't interested in them. His communication skills may suck but your reception isn't any better.
Megan, if a guy doesn't contact you, it's time for you to get the signal -- he's not interested in you.
You're imagining doors opening where there doesn't even appear to be a door.
We met in a club that we were both going to be at
Submitted on Sunday, February 15, 2009
By: Alicia
Age: 25
Location: Scotland
Question: I met this guy a few years back during a night out, and he asked me out for dinner. I declined as I was interested in someone else at the time.
We met up and bumped into each other a few times after and eventually i lost his mobile number and we just lost touch.
I recently found him online by total chance, and we started talking. I sent him a couple of messages and this weekend we met in a club that we were both going to be at. We talked and he seemed pleased to see me. I left on a good note and we spoke about events we would both be at in the future. He also dropped being single into the conversation.
I just want to know whether this seems like something I should pursue or drop. Because he asked me for dinner and liked me all those years back I'm not sure whether he still would. I haven't changed much, and neither has he. I'm really into him but not sure whether to give up before I get my hopes up...
I'm not
VictorM's advice:
No reason not to pursue it. Having turn him down for dinner years ago will have no impact on how he feels about you now. If anything, it probably makes you that more of a catch now. Vindication is a wonderful ego drug.
Go for it!
By: Alicia
Age: 25
Location: Scotland
Question: I met this guy a few years back during a night out, and he asked me out for dinner. I declined as I was interested in someone else at the time.
We met up and bumped into each other a few times after and eventually i lost his mobile number and we just lost touch.
I recently found him online by total chance, and we started talking. I sent him a couple of messages and this weekend we met in a club that we were both going to be at. We talked and he seemed pleased to see me. I left on a good note and we spoke about events we would both be at in the future. He also dropped being single into the conversation.
I just want to know whether this seems like something I should pursue or drop. Because he asked me for dinner and liked me all those years back I'm not sure whether he still would. I haven't changed much, and neither has he. I'm really into him but not sure whether to give up before I get my hopes up...
I'm not
VictorM's advice:
No reason not to pursue it. Having turn him down for dinner years ago will have no impact on how he feels about you now. If anything, it probably makes you that more of a catch now. Vindication is a wonderful ego drug.
Go for it!
I thought things were going great
Submitted on Sunday, February 15, 2009By: Sara
Age: 26
Location: New Jersey
Question: I'm sure you get questions like this all the time...but I have been friends with this guy for about 2 years. We weren't close friends..just see each other at the bar on weekends type. We were always very "flirty" and occasionally kissed when we were drunk. A few months ago, it started to get more serious...talking on the phone, hanging out more...and we started dating. This was going on for about 3 months. I thought things were going great...talk on the phone everyday, sleepovers, lots of public displays of affection. Then one day he tells me he's not ready for a relationship (I had not pushed the issue at all). He said he thought our friendship was important and he wouldn't want to risk that and that we should go back to being friends. He said he really likes me and cares for me, but being in a relationship is a big commitment that he doesn't know he's ready for. I asked him if that meant he just didn't have romantic feelings like that for me and he said no. Is he just trying to not hurt my feelings? I know his ex was pretty nuts...do you think he is scared? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He tried you on for size and came to the conclusion that you're friends material, not a romantic partner material. It has nothing to do with right or wrong, good or bad; you just not the right match for him. And the only way to have known that was to do exactly what he did.
Anything else he says now is just trying not to hurt your feelings.
Age: 26
Location: New Jersey
Question: I'm sure you get questions like this all the time...but I have been friends with this guy for about 2 years. We weren't close friends..just see each other at the bar on weekends type. We were always very "flirty" and occasionally kissed when we were drunk. A few months ago, it started to get more serious...talking on the phone, hanging out more...and we started dating. This was going on for about 3 months. I thought things were going great...talk on the phone everyday, sleepovers, lots of public displays of affection. Then one day he tells me he's not ready for a relationship (I had not pushed the issue at all). He said he thought our friendship was important and he wouldn't want to risk that and that we should go back to being friends. He said he really likes me and cares for me, but being in a relationship is a big commitment that he doesn't know he's ready for. I asked him if that meant he just didn't have romantic feelings like that for me and he said no. Is he just trying to not hurt my feelings? I know his ex was pretty nuts...do you think he is scared? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He tried you on for size and came to the conclusion that you're friends material, not a romantic partner material. It has nothing to do with right or wrong, good or bad; you just not the right match for him. And the only way to have known that was to do exactly what he did.
Anything else he says now is just trying not to hurt your feelings.
Unconditional
Submitted on Sunday, February 15, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 23
Location: nj
Question: my best guy friend and i talk everyday at least an hour at a time. We fight like a couple, however he has a girl. I told him i had a crush on him and he said it will never happen! We still talk everyday and he told me soon after that what he's giving me is unconditional. What does that mean? And i never get rejected by guys wtf.
VictorM's advice:
Well, strike the never from that last sentence. Your guy friend likes you purely as a friend. By unconditional, he means, no strings attached. He's talking to you expecting nothing in return and you should expect nothing either.
By: Kelly
Age: 23
Location: nj
Question: my best guy friend and i talk everyday at least an hour at a time. We fight like a couple, however he has a girl. I told him i had a crush on him and he said it will never happen! We still talk everyday and he told me soon after that what he's giving me is unconditional. What does that mean? And i never get rejected by guys wtf.
VictorM's advice:
Well, strike the never from that last sentence. Your guy friend likes you purely as a friend. By unconditional, he means, no strings attached. He's talking to you expecting nothing in return and you should expect nothing either.
Monday, February 16, 2009
He works with a friend
Submitted on Sunday, February 15, 2009
By: cassie
Age: 29
Location: 44095
Question: If a guy wants to keep it on the downlow because he works with a friend what does he really mean?
VictorM's advice:
It could very well mean that he's trying to keep his job.
By: cassie
Age: 29
Location: 44095
Question: If a guy wants to keep it on the downlow because he works with a friend what does he really mean?
VictorM's advice:
It could very well mean that he's trying to keep his job.
I'm the hottest girl in the school
Submitted on Saturday, February 14, 2009
By: Amy
Age: 16
Location: Illinois
Question: I'm the hottest girl in the school. That's what everybody thinks. I have a boyfriend. But the trouble is, he was kissing another girl by the lockers. Now we have less dates. We had a dance party at my friend's and he danced with her. Tears are rolling down my eyes right now. But it's still not late. He still sort of likes me.
VictorM's advice:
I understand the tears -- it's not easy being betrayed. But trust me on this: your tears will soon stop, and if you learn two things from all of this, you'll be better off.
Here are the two things you need to learn: 1) Being hot is not enough to bring you happiness -- no matter how hot you are, at any given time on any given place, someone else will be more appealing, if nothing else, because you're not there; and 2) you have to respect yourself -- if a guy betrays you, move on. Sitting around waiting for him makes you look weak and brings about disrespect. Don't do it!
By: Amy
Age: 16
Location: Illinois
Question: I'm the hottest girl in the school. That's what everybody thinks. I have a boyfriend. But the trouble is, he was kissing another girl by the lockers. Now we have less dates. We had a dance party at my friend's and he danced with her. Tears are rolling down my eyes right now. But it's still not late. He still sort of likes me.
VictorM's advice:
I understand the tears -- it's not easy being betrayed. But trust me on this: your tears will soon stop, and if you learn two things from all of this, you'll be better off.
Here are the two things you need to learn: 1) Being hot is not enough to bring you happiness -- no matter how hot you are, at any given time on any given place, someone else will be more appealing, if nothing else, because you're not there; and 2) you have to respect yourself -- if a guy betrays you, move on. Sitting around waiting for him makes you look weak and brings about disrespect. Don't do it!
I paid for E V E R Y T H I N G
Submitted on Saturday, February 14, 2009
By: Beth
Location: Michigan
Question: Dear Victor,
I met a man awhile ago, who at the time was going thru some bad financial times (lots of debts).. He was in a worse position than myself, financially. From the beginning, I paid for E V E R Y T H I N G- his clothes that were practically rags (I do not even by myself new clothes), haircuts, snacks,dates & our hotel rooms (we both currently live at home due to job losses, even though we are adults) so that we could see each other. He had asked me on three occasions to borrow money on top of all this and to this day, has not repaid a dime. I told him I would never loan to him again, if he would not have the integrity to pay that money back and explained that I would never do that to him or to anyone else. Now, that he is living paycheck to paycheck at least and not behind on bills-he still wants me to split the cost of everything with him after ALL that I have done for this man. We make the same amount of money-not much (and I also have a great deal of bills as most of us do). Truly, I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick and am getting resentful for all that I have done, including draining my bank account just to be able to see him previously on a few occasions (yes, I know this is dumb, but he lives out of town and I guess love was blind and I was desperate to see him and spend time with him). He is a wonderful person otherwise and is very dedicated and affectionate to me, but the money issue is starting to cause problems. Am I being selfish here?
Beth
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being selfish.
When you paid for everything, as you admit, it was dumb, but at least yu did it of your own free will. Why should he be as dumb now as you have been? Makes no sense. Two dumb actions do not make a smart one.
You should be happy the guy has some common sense now and is at least being a little smart with his money. If you're going to be mad, be mad at yourself for letting your desperation cloud your judgment. Don't try to blame him for your own irresponsibility with your bank account in pursuit of your personal wants.
By: Beth
Location: Michigan
Question: Dear Victor,
I met a man awhile ago, who at the time was going thru some bad financial times (lots of debts).. He was in a worse position than myself, financially. From the beginning, I paid for E V E R Y T H I N G- his clothes that were practically rags (I do not even by myself new clothes), haircuts, snacks,dates & our hotel rooms (we both currently live at home due to job losses, even though we are adults) so that we could see each other. He had asked me on three occasions to borrow money on top of all this and to this day, has not repaid a dime. I told him I would never loan to him again, if he would not have the integrity to pay that money back and explained that I would never do that to him or to anyone else. Now, that he is living paycheck to paycheck at least and not behind on bills-he still wants me to split the cost of everything with him after ALL that I have done for this man. We make the same amount of money-not much (and I also have a great deal of bills as most of us do). Truly, I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick and am getting resentful for all that I have done, including draining my bank account just to be able to see him previously on a few occasions (yes, I know this is dumb, but he lives out of town and I guess love was blind and I was desperate to see him and spend time with him). He is a wonderful person otherwise and is very dedicated and affectionate to me, but the money issue is starting to cause problems. Am I being selfish here?
Beth
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being selfish.
When you paid for everything, as you admit, it was dumb, but at least yu did it of your own free will. Why should he be as dumb now as you have been? Makes no sense. Two dumb actions do not make a smart one.
You should be happy the guy has some common sense now and is at least being a little smart with his money. If you're going to be mad, be mad at yourself for letting your desperation cloud your judgment. Don't try to blame him for your own irresponsibility with your bank account in pursuit of your personal wants.
We hit it off really well
Submitted on Friday, February 13, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 21
Location: USA
Question: Hi there,
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this situation and pretty much keeping it to myself so I wanted to get someone's unbiased opinion.
I met this guy online a little over a month ago and we hit it off really well. We'll talk to each other almost every night for hours and we just have so much in common and are so much alike, I've never really met anyone like that before that I could REALLY be interested in.
We met up and had lunch together a couple of weeks ago and after that he wanted to hang out again but I was really busy with school and could never find a time that our schedules worked together, so he kind of stopped asking to hang out as much.
So I asked him when he wanted hang out a couple of times and he always said something along the lines of "I don't know.", and he's also told me that "Plans freak him out."
Well he came over one morning and we went out to breakfast, came back to my place and hung out, and one thing led to another and we ended up fooling around and he was really sweet and didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do.
The thing is, I've never been in a serious relationship, and I've also never had sex and don't plan on it until I meet the right person, and he knows both of these things. I'm not sure if this is something that he has reservations about or not.
He's also made it a point a couple of times to cleverly let me know that there are other girls interested in him and that he's not interested in them like he is me.
I've asked him straight forward what he wants from me and he said that he really likes me and is attracted to me but sometimes can't tell if I feel the same way, but that's about all he'll give me. The biggest thing I want to figure out is where HE thinks we stand, because sometimes he treats me like I'm his girlfriend or something but other times he's just completely stand-offish.
If he's not ready for a relationship, that's fine..because I'm not completely sure I am either, I just want to figure out what he's thinking but it's really hard to get a straight answer out of him.
What do you think? Is there a GOOD way of bringing this up to him, or should I just see where things lead?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing to discuss. He's already let you know, in fairly direct terms (talking about other girls, saying he hates making plans), that he's not interested in a relationship, and that suits your current expectations (believe me, if you're not sure you're ready for a relationship, you are not ready).
So, give your brain a rest, relax, and have fun.
By: Sarah
Age: 21
Location: USA
Question: Hi there,
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this situation and pretty much keeping it to myself so I wanted to get someone's unbiased opinion.
I met this guy online a little over a month ago and we hit it off really well. We'll talk to each other almost every night for hours and we just have so much in common and are so much alike, I've never really met anyone like that before that I could REALLY be interested in.
We met up and had lunch together a couple of weeks ago and after that he wanted to hang out again but I was really busy with school and could never find a time that our schedules worked together, so he kind of stopped asking to hang out as much.
So I asked him when he wanted hang out a couple of times and he always said something along the lines of "I don't know.", and he's also told me that "Plans freak him out."
Well he came over one morning and we went out to breakfast, came back to my place and hung out, and one thing led to another and we ended up fooling around and he was really sweet and didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do.
The thing is, I've never been in a serious relationship, and I've also never had sex and don't plan on it until I meet the right person, and he knows both of these things. I'm not sure if this is something that he has reservations about or not.
He's also made it a point a couple of times to cleverly let me know that there are other girls interested in him and that he's not interested in them like he is me.
I've asked him straight forward what he wants from me and he said that he really likes me and is attracted to me but sometimes can't tell if I feel the same way, but that's about all he'll give me. The biggest thing I want to figure out is where HE thinks we stand, because sometimes he treats me like I'm his girlfriend or something but other times he's just completely stand-offish.
If he's not ready for a relationship, that's fine..because I'm not completely sure I am either, I just want to figure out what he's thinking but it's really hard to get a straight answer out of him.
What do you think? Is there a GOOD way of bringing this up to him, or should I just see where things lead?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing to discuss. He's already let you know, in fairly direct terms (talking about other girls, saying he hates making plans), that he's not interested in a relationship, and that suits your current expectations (believe me, if you're not sure you're ready for a relationship, you are not ready).
So, give your brain a rest, relax, and have fun.
He has really great qualities
Submitted on Friday, February 13, 2009
By: Kandi
Age: 28
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Question: I met this guy and we hit it off immediately. I took a risk to date him because I felt good chemistry with him and furthermore, I was tired of being lonely.He has really great qualities I was looking for. He has 3 kids (all by 3 different women) and spends time with them almost daily, very sweet and attentive to me and my needs,and he's ready to settle down. But in the beginning i did notices red flags that this might not be the best situation. He had served 7yrs in prison, he recently cut off all ties with his youngest child's mom.So I know this was a rebound relationship, but he was so sure I was the one. Yet,him and his ex, they have this love hate relationship. they call each other and argue over the simplest things that usually doesnt have any thing to do with their son. I 'm not stupid, I 've been there before. obviously there is still some feelings still there. But I manage to stay by his side.
But just when I thought we were moving ahead with our relationship, his scorn ex decides if she can't have him, nobody can. And she reports some false info to the police about him. Since she knows that he's on probation, now he's going back to jail.
Now he's begging me to stay in his life, because we have only being together a very short time (6mos). Before he got into all of this legal stuff, he asked me to marry him, and of course now he's really asking me.
I really do love him but I don't care for all of this baggage and drama that comes with him. He's a great guy to me, I love his kids( they call me mom already)but i dont know if I can wait 5 yrs for him to come home. I dont know if the love i have for him can last that long, given we have only been together a short period of time and there is all of the drama.
VictorM's advice:
Put simply, love just isn't enough.
He's fathered children with 3 women, did enough stuff (come on, false info?) to warrant going back to jail, is still hooked on at least one ex, you've only known him for less than six months, and he already asked you to marry him? These aren't red flags -- they're signs of a disaster waiting to happen.
I'll say it again, love isn't enough.
By: Kandi
Age: 28
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Question: I met this guy and we hit it off immediately. I took a risk to date him because I felt good chemistry with him and furthermore, I was tired of being lonely.He has really great qualities I was looking for. He has 3 kids (all by 3 different women) and spends time with them almost daily, very sweet and attentive to me and my needs,and he's ready to settle down. But in the beginning i did notices red flags that this might not be the best situation. He had served 7yrs in prison, he recently cut off all ties with his youngest child's mom.So I know this was a rebound relationship, but he was so sure I was the one. Yet,him and his ex, they have this love hate relationship. they call each other and argue over the simplest things that usually doesnt have any thing to do with their son. I 'm not stupid, I 've been there before. obviously there is still some feelings still there. But I manage to stay by his side.
But just when I thought we were moving ahead with our relationship, his scorn ex decides if she can't have him, nobody can. And she reports some false info to the police about him. Since she knows that he's on probation, now he's going back to jail.
Now he's begging me to stay in his life, because we have only being together a very short time (6mos). Before he got into all of this legal stuff, he asked me to marry him, and of course now he's really asking me.
I really do love him but I don't care for all of this baggage and drama that comes with him. He's a great guy to me, I love his kids( they call me mom already)but i dont know if I can wait 5 yrs for him to come home. I dont know if the love i have for him can last that long, given we have only been together a short period of time and there is all of the drama.
VictorM's advice:
Put simply, love just isn't enough.
He's fathered children with 3 women, did enough stuff (come on, false info?) to warrant going back to jail, is still hooked on at least one ex, you've only known him for less than six months, and he already asked you to marry him? These aren't red flags -- they're signs of a disaster waiting to happen.
I'll say it again, love isn't enough.
I accused him of cheating while out of town
Submitted on Friday, February 13, 2009
By: yessica,
Age: 18,
Location: lubbock texas
Question: okay. me and my boyfriend -- i guess ex -- broke up about a month ago. but i'm not over him. and i am looking for golden opportunities to talk to him because i don't want to call or text him.
we broke up because i accused him of cheating while out of town, and he said there was no reason to continue cuz i didn't trust him. i do trust him. and i do love him. he never said he stopped loving me. but he is going to move and he's saving money so i think that is another problem. i want to continue our relationship but i don't know how to get him to want to talk or miss or want me back. i have apologized and gave him space. but how do i know what he is thinking and how to win him back? he doesn't go out just work and home.
VictorM's advice:
You accused him of cheating for a reason, that us, you didn't just make the accusation out of the blue, right? So, whether justified or not, you didn't trust him, no matter what you say now. So saying you trust him doesn't hold any water.
But my guess, since his reaction was not to fight back, is that maybe you were closer to the truth than you think.
Why don't you want to talk to him? If you want to know where things stand, call him.
By: yessica,
Age: 18,
Location: lubbock texas
Question: okay. me and my boyfriend -- i guess ex -- broke up about a month ago. but i'm not over him. and i am looking for golden opportunities to talk to him because i don't want to call or text him.
we broke up because i accused him of cheating while out of town, and he said there was no reason to continue cuz i didn't trust him. i do trust him. and i do love him. he never said he stopped loving me. but he is going to move and he's saving money so i think that is another problem. i want to continue our relationship but i don't know how to get him to want to talk or miss or want me back. i have apologized and gave him space. but how do i know what he is thinking and how to win him back? he doesn't go out just work and home.
VictorM's advice:
You accused him of cheating for a reason, that us, you didn't just make the accusation out of the blue, right? So, whether justified or not, you didn't trust him, no matter what you say now. So saying you trust him doesn't hold any water.
But my guess, since his reaction was not to fight back, is that maybe you were closer to the truth than you think.
Why don't you want to talk to him? If you want to know where things stand, call him.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Confidential to J, from San Antonio
J, you crack me up. :)
Well, a short and sweet message begot a short and sweet message. No surprise there.
The problem is, guys are very goal oriented. We believe in concrete things to do. Flowery comments leave us not knowing what to do. We need something specific to do. Help you move, paint your house, take out the trash... that stuff we understand. But, "thinking of you," "I miss you," etc. that... that... that just interrupts the game we're watching.
If he's still acting like a big mystery, you need to provoke a concrete action. Either he'll say yes (and life will be good) or he'll say no (and, at least you can start moving on).
So, if you're ready to get a more concrete resolution, ask him out to dinner, or a movie, or something else that you two can do alone. Be specific about where to go and when. Don't wait for him to get back to you.
If he keeps evading you, at some point you have to get the clue that he simply is not interested in you as a mate.
Follow-up:
Your friend may very well be right, but here's how I see it: if you don't call him, you'll always wonder "what if I had called?" If you call and he turns you down, it won't be fun, for sure, but it'll hurt a lot less in the long run than a lifetime of wondering if you should have called.
The other thing is, we don't know why he didn't call back. You can speculate all you want about what's on his mind, but there are other things in his life and he could have reasons we don't know about.
I'd say it doesn't look good, so in that respect, I agree with your friend, but I also think you should turn one more stone (calling him and inviting him out) before giving up.
Well, a short and sweet message begot a short and sweet message. No surprise there.
The problem is, guys are very goal oriented. We believe in concrete things to do. Flowery comments leave us not knowing what to do. We need something specific to do. Help you move, paint your house, take out the trash... that stuff we understand. But, "thinking of you," "I miss you," etc. that... that... that just interrupts the game we're watching.
If he's still acting like a big mystery, you need to provoke a concrete action. Either he'll say yes (and life will be good) or he'll say no (and, at least you can start moving on).
So, if you're ready to get a more concrete resolution, ask him out to dinner, or a movie, or something else that you two can do alone. Be specific about where to go and when. Don't wait for him to get back to you.
If he keeps evading you, at some point you have to get the clue that he simply is not interested in you as a mate.
Follow-up:
Your friend may very well be right, but here's how I see it: if you don't call him, you'll always wonder "what if I had called?" If you call and he turns you down, it won't be fun, for sure, but it'll hurt a lot less in the long run than a lifetime of wondering if you should have called.
The other thing is, we don't know why he didn't call back. You can speculate all you want about what's on his mind, but there are other things in his life and he could have reasons we don't know about.
I'd say it doesn't look good, so in that respect, I agree with your friend, but I also think you should turn one more stone (calling him and inviting him out) before giving up.
My boyfriend is always so busy
Submitted on Friday, February 13, 2009
By: Lexi
Age: 16
Location: ny
Question: Hi!! My boyfriend is always so busy!! He has SAT prep and after school classes about everyday and the only day that he really has time is Tuesdays but, somehow something always comes up so we only get to spend about 10 mins together!! I don't want him to miss classes because his future is really important and i don't want it to be screwed up on account of me but I am tired of never seeing each other and countless dates being canceled!! What can i do??
VictorM's advice:
A teenage boy not having time for his girlfriend because he's too busy? I don't buy it. There's always enough time to do something if you really want it. Ask yourself: was he that busy from day one? I doubt it. Besides, if it were true that he's busy, how do you explain the canceled dates? If he was busy he wouldn't have scheduled them in the first place.
What's more likely is that either he has lost interest in you or he is taking you for granted.
What can you do? Get busy with your friends, with a hobby, with your school work. If you don't chase him and he doesn't chase you, you get your answer about his level of interest.
By: Lexi
Age: 16
Location: ny
Question: Hi!! My boyfriend is always so busy!! He has SAT prep and after school classes about everyday and the only day that he really has time is Tuesdays but, somehow something always comes up so we only get to spend about 10 mins together!! I don't want him to miss classes because his future is really important and i don't want it to be screwed up on account of me but I am tired of never seeing each other and countless dates being canceled!! What can i do??
VictorM's advice:
A teenage boy not having time for his girlfriend because he's too busy? I don't buy it. There's always enough time to do something if you really want it. Ask yourself: was he that busy from day one? I doubt it. Besides, if it were true that he's busy, how do you explain the canceled dates? If he was busy he wouldn't have scheduled them in the first place.
What's more likely is that either he has lost interest in you or he is taking you for granted.
What can you do? Get busy with your friends, with a hobby, with your school work. If you don't chase him and he doesn't chase you, you get your answer about his level of interest.
Friday, February 13, 2009
I am married and I like a friend of mine
Submitted on Tuesday, February 10, 2009
By: Cami
Question: So I'm in a bit of a bind here. I am married and I like a friend of mine. He's nice and funny and makes me smile all the time. He's my husband's friend. He knows I like him and he says he likes me. He suggested that we become buddies with benefits. So we have and now all I can think about is him. He's also married. He says stuff like I'm amazing and he likes me a lot. He tells me I'm his sweetheart and he has said in a drunken stupor some nights that he loves me. The truth is I would leave my husband for him but I don't think he would leave her for me. Whats going on here?
VictorM's advice:
You know how they have awards for movies (Oscar), or music (Grammies)? Well, if there was an award for people who complicate their lives, if would be called Camis.
What's going on? You're the bragging rights of a lousy cheater and a crummy backstabber. I would advise you to look into swinging life style but cheating is frowned upon by most swingers, so I don't know if you'd qualify.
You want someone to make you laugh and smile? Watch Comedy Central.
I do hope that you leave your husband, whether this guy leaves his wife or not. If you're not happy, move on. And I hope he leaves her, just because I don't believe anyone deserves a creep like him. Not even you.
By: Cami
Question: So I'm in a bit of a bind here. I am married and I like a friend of mine. He's nice and funny and makes me smile all the time. He's my husband's friend. He knows I like him and he says he likes me. He suggested that we become buddies with benefits. So we have and now all I can think about is him. He's also married. He says stuff like I'm amazing and he likes me a lot. He tells me I'm his sweetheart and he has said in a drunken stupor some nights that he loves me. The truth is I would leave my husband for him but I don't think he would leave her for me. Whats going on here?
VictorM's advice:
You know how they have awards for movies (Oscar), or music (Grammies)? Well, if there was an award for people who complicate their lives, if would be called Camis.
What's going on? You're the bragging rights of a lousy cheater and a crummy backstabber. I would advise you to look into swinging life style but cheating is frowned upon by most swingers, so I don't know if you'd qualify.
You want someone to make you laugh and smile? Watch Comedy Central.
I do hope that you leave your husband, whether this guy leaves his wife or not. If you're not happy, move on. And I hope he leaves her, just because I don't believe anyone deserves a creep like him. Not even you.
I was the reason for all stress in his life
Submitted on Monday, February 09, 2009
By: Amber
Age: 29
Location: Texas
Question: My boyfriend of a year broke up with me yesterday. I went to a friend's mom's (she use to be my manager when I waited tables and bar tended for about 5 years) 50th birthday party. I had told him I would probably be out there for 2-3 hours. I arrived around 8pm. Before I left I said I will call you after I leave and see where you are at. We didn't make definite plans to meet up.
I texted him around 11ish to see where he was at and no response. I called his friend and asked to speak to my boyfriend. My boyfriend couldn't tell me whether he was going to a, b or c place. I was having a good time and was getting some pressure to stay, so I ended up staying out until 4ish. When I texted him I was going to stay a little while longer, he responded "K". He went out with his friends and we texted throughout the night. I invited him to go with me but he said no. He comes and goes as he pleases and I don't say a word, even if it bothers me. I figure it really isn't a big deal and that people should be allowed to do what they would like. All my text throughout the night were sweet and loving. I explained why I was staying longer. At first he was fine with it, then 2am came and it was another story.
There were people I hadn't seen in years- part of reason I stayed so long. He knew there might be some guys out there that I had partied with and made out with(like 2) but it was years ago-7/8. I came home, he said some really hurtful things. He told me he didn't want to be with someone that makes hanging out there a priority over him. That I was the reason for all stress in his life. I agreed with him and apologized about not coming home sooner because I felt bad for not coming home earlier and for him feeling that way. He said it didn't matter and I don't get it.
We have been having some problems for some time. Why do they say hurtful things and then make you feel like your the problem and then break up with you? This is the second time this has happened. I know I am no princess but of all the guys I have dated, I have consciously treated him good- no clingy, nagging, bitching, understanding, loving, caring, never cheated, etc. I think this time he is gone for sure but over something silly. He is double standard and admits it, yet he breaks up with me???????
VictorM's advice:
Whether it's biology or just upbringing, guys are raised to inflict the most pain when they fight. And so when a guy gets in a fighting mood, being fair and considerate are the last things on his mind.
I would not think that he broke up with you over something this silly. It was probably the last straw. But I have to say, as long as you continue some of the behavior you project on your submission, you are going to have problems. Here's what I mean:
-- you say you didn't say things to him even when it bothered you. Why not? Proper communication is important; hiding your feelings is not.
-- you say you're not clingy but what's with the txting all night? Why can't you enjoy a night with your friends and your boyfriend enjoy a night with his, without drama and constant contact? Couples that can enjoy life apart from each other tend to be happiest together.
-- you apologized to him? And you agreed that you're the source of his stress? Why? One of the things that turns off a guy about a girl is when he loses respect for her. There are times you simply have to stick to your guns and defend your actions. You did no such thing.
You know, I'm not so sure that there was a double standard on his part as much as there an allowance on your part to be the lesser member of the relationship.
If you want a guy who behaves like an adult, you need to treat him as one, and behave accordingly.
By: Amber
Age: 29
Location: Texas
Question: My boyfriend of a year broke up with me yesterday. I went to a friend's mom's (she use to be my manager when I waited tables and bar tended for about 5 years) 50th birthday party. I had told him I would probably be out there for 2-3 hours. I arrived around 8pm. Before I left I said I will call you after I leave and see where you are at. We didn't make definite plans to meet up.
I texted him around 11ish to see where he was at and no response. I called his friend and asked to speak to my boyfriend. My boyfriend couldn't tell me whether he was going to a, b or c place. I was having a good time and was getting some pressure to stay, so I ended up staying out until 4ish. When I texted him I was going to stay a little while longer, he responded "K". He went out with his friends and we texted throughout the night. I invited him to go with me but he said no. He comes and goes as he pleases and I don't say a word, even if it bothers me. I figure it really isn't a big deal and that people should be allowed to do what they would like. All my text throughout the night were sweet and loving. I explained why I was staying longer. At first he was fine with it, then 2am came and it was another story.
There were people I hadn't seen in years- part of reason I stayed so long. He knew there might be some guys out there that I had partied with and made out with(like 2) but it was years ago-7/8. I came home, he said some really hurtful things. He told me he didn't want to be with someone that makes hanging out there a priority over him. That I was the reason for all stress in his life. I agreed with him and apologized about not coming home sooner because I felt bad for not coming home earlier and for him feeling that way. He said it didn't matter and I don't get it.
We have been having some problems for some time. Why do they say hurtful things and then make you feel like your the problem and then break up with you? This is the second time this has happened. I know I am no princess but of all the guys I have dated, I have consciously treated him good- no clingy, nagging, bitching, understanding, loving, caring, never cheated, etc. I think this time he is gone for sure but over something silly. He is double standard and admits it, yet he breaks up with me???????
VictorM's advice:
Whether it's biology or just upbringing, guys are raised to inflict the most pain when they fight. And so when a guy gets in a fighting mood, being fair and considerate are the last things on his mind.
I would not think that he broke up with you over something this silly. It was probably the last straw. But I have to say, as long as you continue some of the behavior you project on your submission, you are going to have problems. Here's what I mean:
-- you say you didn't say things to him even when it bothered you. Why not? Proper communication is important; hiding your feelings is not.
-- you say you're not clingy but what's with the txting all night? Why can't you enjoy a night with your friends and your boyfriend enjoy a night with his, without drama and constant contact? Couples that can enjoy life apart from each other tend to be happiest together.
-- you apologized to him? And you agreed that you're the source of his stress? Why? One of the things that turns off a guy about a girl is when he loses respect for her. There are times you simply have to stick to your guns and defend your actions. You did no such thing.
You know, I'm not so sure that there was a double standard on his part as much as there an allowance on your part to be the lesser member of the relationship.
If you want a guy who behaves like an adult, you need to treat him as one, and behave accordingly.
I don't want to hang on to false hopes
Submitted on Monday, February 09, 2009
By: j
Age: 34
Location: USA
Question: This site is great! Okay here's my situation. I met a guy about 5 months ago and we hit it off instantly. His friend lives above me and we all started hanging out. We hang out a few times a week and have a great time. We have talked about a lot of stuff that normally men don't share very easily. He sat close to me and touched me, etc. We watch sports and make fun of each other and just have fun. So i really felt he may be interested. I have a ton of guy friends and they don't spend too much time with me lol.
So I took a chance and texted him about how i felt. He said we'd talk about it when he got back from assignment. When he got back he said he want to hang with me alone sometime. I left it as it was. He has not asked me to hang out alone and it has been two months. He told me the first day we met that he has trouble trusting people and needs to build a friendship first. Which i am fine with. I had mentioned in conversation that my bosses son liked me and he says oh i was thinking about asking this girl out what do you think? I said you don't ask a girl who likes you what she thinks about you asking another girl out.
We still hang out a couple times a week and he has become friends with my brother. He has volunteered to go to a company party with me next week...i guess i have never had a friendship with a guy like this without being in a relationship. I don't want to hang on to false hopes and miss out on someone else but i don't want to lose the one guy i truly love. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
The moment you texted him about your feelings you imperiled the relationship. It's a bad idea to do that because guys take a lot longer to feel hooked on a girl, so a love confession so soon before the guys feels as strong is scary. Guys almost always move at a slower pace than girls and above all, they like a challenge. You ceased to be one with your text.
Is it a lost cause? Probably yes if you keep acting all lovey-dovey with the guy. Your best bet is to act cool and disconnected for a while. Be friendly, but keep a certain distance. And no talk of love or having feelings for him. Make him work for your affection. If he does, great; if he doesn't, he was never into you anyway.
By: j
Age: 34
Location: USA
Question: This site is great! Okay here's my situation. I met a guy about 5 months ago and we hit it off instantly. His friend lives above me and we all started hanging out. We hang out a few times a week and have a great time. We have talked about a lot of stuff that normally men don't share very easily. He sat close to me and touched me, etc. We watch sports and make fun of each other and just have fun. So i really felt he may be interested. I have a ton of guy friends and they don't spend too much time with me lol.
So I took a chance and texted him about how i felt. He said we'd talk about it when he got back from assignment. When he got back he said he want to hang with me alone sometime. I left it as it was. He has not asked me to hang out alone and it has been two months. He told me the first day we met that he has trouble trusting people and needs to build a friendship first. Which i am fine with. I had mentioned in conversation that my bosses son liked me and he says oh i was thinking about asking this girl out what do you think? I said you don't ask a girl who likes you what she thinks about you asking another girl out.
We still hang out a couple times a week and he has become friends with my brother. He has volunteered to go to a company party with me next week...i guess i have never had a friendship with a guy like this without being in a relationship. I don't want to hang on to false hopes and miss out on someone else but i don't want to lose the one guy i truly love. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
The moment you texted him about your feelings you imperiled the relationship. It's a bad idea to do that because guys take a lot longer to feel hooked on a girl, so a love confession so soon before the guys feels as strong is scary. Guys almost always move at a slower pace than girls and above all, they like a challenge. You ceased to be one with your text.
Is it a lost cause? Probably yes if you keep acting all lovey-dovey with the guy. Your best bet is to act cool and disconnected for a while. Be friendly, but keep a certain distance. And no talk of love or having feelings for him. Make him work for your affection. If he does, great; if he doesn't, he was never into you anyway.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
He tried to kiss me after a night of drinking
Submitted on Sunday, February 08, 2009
By: alyssa
Age: 30
Location: usa
Question: Met my friend's brother in-law 3 years ago. I'm 30 he's 39. He had a girlfriend and I was newly out of a long term relationship. He is always around my group of friends so I see him very often. Never thought of him as anything other than a friend, though I knew through my friend that he was attracted to me.
About 2 years ago he tried to kiss me after a night of drinking. I pushed him away and that was that. This past year he started hanging out with the group without his girlfriend. I still didn't think much about it, but he'd talk about how hadn't loved her for a long time and wanted to leave her but felt he couldn't do it at that time being that her sister was very sick.
His interest in me was a bit puzzling. I was not into him anymore than just a friend. Just absolutely not my type, though a lot of fun. But he persisted. I always caught him staring at me, flirting with me, always tried to sit by me, would always end up in whatever conversation I was in, would randomly text that he missed me. When I questioned him he said he just wanted to know more about me. I would just roll my eyes, thinking 'yeah you want to get laid is all.'
In September he tried again to kiss me and I couldn't believe myself but I let it happen. I felt so guilty being that he had a girlfriend. I eventually let it go until November. One thing led to another one night and I ended up sleeping with him. I had told him that it was a mistake and it couldn't happen again. A few days after this he ended things with his girlfriend and moved out of their apartment.
Over the next few weeks our conversations became more in depth. He would try to single me out to talk, he even looked at an entire album of pictures of my family when I was a kid, (slowly and asking questions!) I was impressed, I asked him why he wanted to see these pictures and he answered again because I want to know all about you. I think it was at that point I started feel something.
To add to the mix around this same time I had met someone else who I was casually seeing. I never hid that, and told him I was going to invite this other guy around my friends and I didn't want him to be funny. He told me its too late for that and he would be jealous and not want to be around. I left it at that. As I was trying to get to know the new guy, the lingering situation had gotten in the way. I eventually broke it off with the new guy before it really started.
I started looking forward to being around my friend's brother in-law. He used to always ask me to go out for lunch with him or watch a movie by ourselves. I would normally refuse but I finally agreed. We watched a movie and I ended up having amazing amazing sex with him. Whoops, slipped and fell into a bucket of feelings now. This is where it gets complicated for me.
I was with friends and laid on a couch in a different room to go to sleep. He showed up late, came over kissed me and told me he missed me. He laid with me and I couldn't help myself- I asked that dreaded 'what do you want from me?' question. He said he didn't know just that he knows he wants to be around me as much as possible and he feels good when I'm around. He asked me the same thing back, I told him I had no clue!
A few days later while talking on the phone with him I told him I promised myself that I wouldn't let feelings get involved , he responded that it was too late for that. When I logically think about being with him in a relationship I can't see it. I want kids and marriage, I don't think he does. That is a deal breaker with me but I don't feel comfortable at this point to ask him. Another part of me doesn't want to stay away from him!
My questions are as follows: 1) Does the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend of 7 years with me automatically put him in the 'asshole' 'stay away from him category'? 2) When he answered that he didn't know what he wanted from me, just wanted to be around me as much as possible, should that make me think this is a chase game for him? 3) Should I just enjoy what's going on right now and put to the side my questions about the future or bring them up and scare the crap out of him? Thanks in advance for your help.
VictorM's advice:
"One thing led to another..." I love that line. At least you didn't say you accidentally had sex. :)
Answering your questions:
1) No. I think he was already emotionally disconnected from the girlfriend, and only his cowardice -- a very common guy behavior when it comes to breaking up -- kept them together. I'm not saying he couldn't have dealt with it better; I'm just saying he's not an asshole for it.
2) No. It's not just a chasing game. He was being honest. Most guys don't jump from "I think I like her" to "I want to marry her." Guys are much more careful about it and take much longer. We already know he has a weak stomach for breaking up, so it's natural that he wants to be careful before getting into another commitment.
3) Well, if you already think there are deal breakers, why not confront them before you invest more time and get yourself emotionally committed to someone who doesn't share your most important goals? He's had long enough to know you; it's time you actually get to know him too. If he gets scared about questions dealing with marriage and kids, you save yourself a lot of time.
By: alyssa
Age: 30
Location: usa
Question: Met my friend's brother in-law 3 years ago. I'm 30 he's 39. He had a girlfriend and I was newly out of a long term relationship. He is always around my group of friends so I see him very often. Never thought of him as anything other than a friend, though I knew through my friend that he was attracted to me.
About 2 years ago he tried to kiss me after a night of drinking. I pushed him away and that was that. This past year he started hanging out with the group without his girlfriend. I still didn't think much about it, but he'd talk about how hadn't loved her for a long time and wanted to leave her but felt he couldn't do it at that time being that her sister was very sick.
His interest in me was a bit puzzling. I was not into him anymore than just a friend. Just absolutely not my type, though a lot of fun. But he persisted. I always caught him staring at me, flirting with me, always tried to sit by me, would always end up in whatever conversation I was in, would randomly text that he missed me. When I questioned him he said he just wanted to know more about me. I would just roll my eyes, thinking 'yeah you want to get laid is all.'
In September he tried again to kiss me and I couldn't believe myself but I let it happen. I felt so guilty being that he had a girlfriend. I eventually let it go until November. One thing led to another one night and I ended up sleeping with him. I had told him that it was a mistake and it couldn't happen again. A few days after this he ended things with his girlfriend and moved out of their apartment.
Over the next few weeks our conversations became more in depth. He would try to single me out to talk, he even looked at an entire album of pictures of my family when I was a kid, (slowly and asking questions!) I was impressed, I asked him why he wanted to see these pictures and he answered again because I want to know all about you. I think it was at that point I started feel something.
To add to the mix around this same time I had met someone else who I was casually seeing. I never hid that, and told him I was going to invite this other guy around my friends and I didn't want him to be funny. He told me its too late for that and he would be jealous and not want to be around. I left it at that. As I was trying to get to know the new guy, the lingering situation had gotten in the way. I eventually broke it off with the new guy before it really started.
I started looking forward to being around my friend's brother in-law. He used to always ask me to go out for lunch with him or watch a movie by ourselves. I would normally refuse but I finally agreed. We watched a movie and I ended up having amazing amazing sex with him. Whoops, slipped and fell into a bucket of feelings now. This is where it gets complicated for me.
I was with friends and laid on a couch in a different room to go to sleep. He showed up late, came over kissed me and told me he missed me. He laid with me and I couldn't help myself- I asked that dreaded 'what do you want from me?' question. He said he didn't know just that he knows he wants to be around me as much as possible and he feels good when I'm around. He asked me the same thing back, I told him I had no clue!
A few days later while talking on the phone with him I told him I promised myself that I wouldn't let feelings get involved , he responded that it was too late for that. When I logically think about being with him in a relationship I can't see it. I want kids and marriage, I don't think he does. That is a deal breaker with me but I don't feel comfortable at this point to ask him. Another part of me doesn't want to stay away from him!
My questions are as follows: 1) Does the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend of 7 years with me automatically put him in the 'asshole' 'stay away from him category'? 2) When he answered that he didn't know what he wanted from me, just wanted to be around me as much as possible, should that make me think this is a chase game for him? 3) Should I just enjoy what's going on right now and put to the side my questions about the future or bring them up and scare the crap out of him? Thanks in advance for your help.
VictorM's advice:
"One thing led to another..." I love that line. At least you didn't say you accidentally had sex. :)
Answering your questions:
1) No. I think he was already emotionally disconnected from the girlfriend, and only his cowardice -- a very common guy behavior when it comes to breaking up -- kept them together. I'm not saying he couldn't have dealt with it better; I'm just saying he's not an asshole for it.
2) No. It's not just a chasing game. He was being honest. Most guys don't jump from "I think I like her" to "I want to marry her." Guys are much more careful about it and take much longer. We already know he has a weak stomach for breaking up, so it's natural that he wants to be careful before getting into another commitment.
3) Well, if you already think there are deal breakers, why not confront them before you invest more time and get yourself emotionally committed to someone who doesn't share your most important goals? He's had long enough to know you; it's time you actually get to know him too. If he gets scared about questions dealing with marriage and kids, you save yourself a lot of time.
It's Wolffy, again
Submitted on Sunday, February 08, 2009
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando, Fl
Question: Hi hi, it's me again sorry,
there is this boy in my class and i really like him. He's quiet, cool, and social, but i'm too scared to talk to him. My friend says that i will be able to talk to him because he's quiet himself, but i don't want to seem like i'm entering in his space...i have a really vexing habit to think that i annoy boys if i try to talk to them and keep trying, just to talk. I don't know how to approach him alone, but I want to and i don't want to feel like i'm annoying him. Is there a way for me to overcome all of this and talk to him???
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that you don't annoy boys, but if you believe you do, you won't feel comfortable talking to them. I understand that.
To help overcome that, I suggest you do three things: 1) smile; 2) greet them using their name (ex. "Hi. John"; 3) stop and talk to them for a few seconds only. For example, ask a simple and short questions (did you see that movie last night? How was the ball game? Have you played the new video game yet? etc.) then, say something nice and friendly, like "cool", "awesome", "great", then say, "see you around"... and walk away after a nice smile.
What you need to do is make brief contact so you convince yourself that the guy won't think you're annoying. Then, after a couple times of being that brief, carry on a longer conversation but only by a few moment more. Eventually, you'll detect whether the guy seems eager for longer conversations or not. If you don't feel he is, you keep things short; if you feel he seems interested, you can go on a little further along. But... always leave a guy wanting more. You're better off leaving him wanting you to stay than to hang out too long.
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando, Fl
Question: Hi hi, it's me again sorry,
there is this boy in my class and i really like him. He's quiet, cool, and social, but i'm too scared to talk to him. My friend says that i will be able to talk to him because he's quiet himself, but i don't want to seem like i'm entering in his space...i have a really vexing habit to think that i annoy boys if i try to talk to them and keep trying, just to talk. I don't know how to approach him alone, but I want to and i don't want to feel like i'm annoying him. Is there a way for me to overcome all of this and talk to him???
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that you don't annoy boys, but if you believe you do, you won't feel comfortable talking to them. I understand that.
To help overcome that, I suggest you do three things: 1) smile; 2) greet them using their name (ex. "Hi. John"; 3) stop and talk to them for a few seconds only. For example, ask a simple and short questions (did you see that movie last night? How was the ball game? Have you played the new video game yet? etc.) then, say something nice and friendly, like "cool", "awesome", "great", then say, "see you around"... and walk away after a nice smile.
What you need to do is make brief contact so you convince yourself that the guy won't think you're annoying. Then, after a couple times of being that brief, carry on a longer conversation but only by a few moment more. Eventually, you'll detect whether the guy seems eager for longer conversations or not. If you don't feel he is, you keep things short; if you feel he seems interested, you can go on a little further along. But... always leave a guy wanting more. You're better off leaving him wanting you to stay than to hang out too long.
A friendly chat and nothing romantic
Submitted on Sunday, February 08, 2009
By: Dela
Age: 30
Location: Hongkong
Question: I have been friends with this guy for about six years now. For the most part of our friendship, we were both attached to someone else. However, last year, both of us have broken up with our respective partners and we became a bit closer to each other since then. Over the year, he would ask me out for dinner (just the two of us) once in a while and I will always agree to go out with him. During those "dates", I have always known that he just wanted a friendly chat and nothing romantic. However, last Christmas, I was surprised because he started giving me more attention than usual. He asked me out for Christmas and New Year and I agreed to go out with him on both occasions. I expected our "New Year dinner" to be very short because I was supposed to meet other friends afterward. However, he stayed with me long after our dinner was over because he chose to hang out with my other friends too. He seemed to have enjoyed himself with my circle of friends. Once or twice, he complimented me by saying that I look good.
After New Year, I did not expect to hear from him again too often. However, until now, he keeps on chatting with me almost everyday which is so surprising. In the old days, months would pass without us talking to each other. But now, he communicates with me much more often than usual...way too often than usual! Also, until now, he still keeps on complimenting me on my looks and my personality. This is something he hardly ever did during our first few years of friendship.
I don't understand why I am getting all this attention from him lately. Does this mean that he is starting to get attracted to me? I am also attracted to him, but I don't want to bring it up because I might just be misinterpreting all his actions. I would definitely want him to take this friendship to the next level, but I don't want to make the first move....I might be misreading everything after all. What should I do?
Thanks for your advice.
VictorM's advice:
Clearly his interest on you has grown over time and continues to grow.
I don't think you should make any moves at this time. That's because it's very common for guys to develop feelings very slowly, and not be willing to make a move until they are sure of those feelings themselves. If a guy feels pressured before he fully realizes his feelings, he's prone to back off. So continue to let your relationship -- and that's what it's heading to -- develop slowly.
By: Dela
Age: 30
Location: Hongkong
Question: I have been friends with this guy for about six years now. For the most part of our friendship, we were both attached to someone else. However, last year, both of us have broken up with our respective partners and we became a bit closer to each other since then. Over the year, he would ask me out for dinner (just the two of us) once in a while and I will always agree to go out with him. During those "dates", I have always known that he just wanted a friendly chat and nothing romantic. However, last Christmas, I was surprised because he started giving me more attention than usual. He asked me out for Christmas and New Year and I agreed to go out with him on both occasions. I expected our "New Year dinner" to be very short because I was supposed to meet other friends afterward. However, he stayed with me long after our dinner was over because he chose to hang out with my other friends too. He seemed to have enjoyed himself with my circle of friends. Once or twice, he complimented me by saying that I look good.
After New Year, I did not expect to hear from him again too often. However, until now, he keeps on chatting with me almost everyday which is so surprising. In the old days, months would pass without us talking to each other. But now, he communicates with me much more often than usual...way too often than usual! Also, until now, he still keeps on complimenting me on my looks and my personality. This is something he hardly ever did during our first few years of friendship.
I don't understand why I am getting all this attention from him lately. Does this mean that he is starting to get attracted to me? I am also attracted to him, but I don't want to bring it up because I might just be misinterpreting all his actions. I would definitely want him to take this friendship to the next level, but I don't want to make the first move....I might be misreading everything after all. What should I do?
Thanks for your advice.
VictorM's advice:
Clearly his interest on you has grown over time and continues to grow.
I don't think you should make any moves at this time. That's because it's very common for guys to develop feelings very slowly, and not be willing to make a move until they are sure of those feelings themselves. If a guy feels pressured before he fully realizes his feelings, he's prone to back off. So continue to let your relationship -- and that's what it's heading to -- develop slowly.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Come up to them at random
Submitted on Saturday, February 07, 2009
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando, Fl
Question: Do guys think it's weird for a girl to come up to them at random and talk to them?
VictorM's advice:
Only if they don't find you attractive, otherwise, they think it's pretty cool.
By: Wolffy
Age: 16
Location: Orlando, Fl
Question: Do guys think it's weird for a girl to come up to them at random and talk to them?
VictorM's advice:
Only if they don't find you attractive, otherwise, they think it's pretty cool.
He never is the one to call first though
Submitted on Saturday, February 07, 2009
By: Stacy
Age: 25
Location: Michigan
Question: So there is this guy I have known for maybe 5 years from when we used to work together. I have been in love with him pretty much the same amount of time. He got engaged after we both got new jobs but we still talked some. We emailed about meeting up to catch up around Christmas time. A week later he shows up at my work because "he was in the area" and I find out he is now single. Since then we have hung out three times, twice with me staying over because we had too much to drink. Nothing happened except some cuddling maybe. We have so many things in common, and always have a great time together, but I just don't know if he really cares about me more than a friend. Would we share a bed if we were friends? I haven't really had any other guy friends before. He never is the one to call first though, it is always me, but when we are together he is always looking in my eyes and smiling. I don't want to ruin our friendship by telling him how I feel, but I can't stand not knowing. Help please!
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling him. This way you'll get your answer.
This will either result in him disappearing at some point (most likely) or wanting a relationship of some kind (doubtful). But one thing I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty -- friendship is not what he's after. So, really, you have nothing to ruin. The worst that will happen is you might just speed up whatever resolution is coming.
By: Stacy
Age: 25
Location: Michigan
Question: So there is this guy I have known for maybe 5 years from when we used to work together. I have been in love with him pretty much the same amount of time. He got engaged after we both got new jobs but we still talked some. We emailed about meeting up to catch up around Christmas time. A week later he shows up at my work because "he was in the area" and I find out he is now single. Since then we have hung out three times, twice with me staying over because we had too much to drink. Nothing happened except some cuddling maybe. We have so many things in common, and always have a great time together, but I just don't know if he really cares about me more than a friend. Would we share a bed if we were friends? I haven't really had any other guy friends before. He never is the one to call first though, it is always me, but when we are together he is always looking in my eyes and smiling. I don't want to ruin our friendship by telling him how I feel, but I can't stand not knowing. Help please!
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling him. This way you'll get your answer.
This will either result in him disappearing at some point (most likely) or wanting a relationship of some kind (doubtful). But one thing I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty -- friendship is not what he's after. So, really, you have nothing to ruin. The worst that will happen is you might just speed up whatever resolution is coming.
Boo
Submitted on Friday, February 06, 2009
By: Sally
Age: 20
Location: Atlanta
Question: I have been friends with this one guy for over 4 months now. More recently, in the past 3 weeks, we have been hanging out A LOT, texting each other constantly, etc. He has a girlfriend, but he's mentioned to me earlier that they are not too serious and his facebook status is "it's complicated with...". In two past text messages, he's called me "boo". Is he trying to imply that I am more than just a friend to him, or he is just being nice?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what calling you "Boo" means to him, but sounds like a term of endearment, and that's a sign of affection. But guys don't hangout with a girl just for friendship or to be nice. Chances are that he's keeping a soft "place" ready to land in case he jumps ship from his girlfriend.
By: Sally
Age: 20
Location: Atlanta
Question: I have been friends with this one guy for over 4 months now. More recently, in the past 3 weeks, we have been hanging out A LOT, texting each other constantly, etc. He has a girlfriend, but he's mentioned to me earlier that they are not too serious and his facebook status is "it's complicated with...". In two past text messages, he's called me "boo". Is he trying to imply that I am more than just a friend to him, or he is just being nice?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what calling you "Boo" means to him, but sounds like a term of endearment, and that's a sign of affection. But guys don't hangout with a girl just for friendship or to be nice. Chances are that he's keeping a soft "place" ready to land in case he jumps ship from his girlfriend.
Anna needs help
Submitted on Friday, February 06, 2009
By: Anna
Age: 24
Location: Chicago
Question: Hi Victor. It's Anna from the Anna Syndrome. I liked your last advice and this time I need help asap.
So I went shopping for a new tennis racquet. As I was checking out all the racquets a sales guy walks up to me and asks if I need help. As a seasoned tennis player I don't need help but one look at him and I think I should keep talking. So we chat about racquets etc and as there's not much else to say he leaves me to it...So I continue my browsing but he comes back within a few minutes to 'check' on me. So we start chatting again and still it's about freaking tennis. He then shows me what sort of a racquet he's got, gives me a few of the others to hold, etc (and I stupidly didnt ask where he plays and so on). So that was that and I didn't buy a racquet as I couldn't make my mind up.
So now I intend to go back and get a racquet (and maybe more) but this is the deal:
I thought he was cute and wouldn't mind a date but I am not going to ask because he could have just been nice to a customer, right?
So, if I see him and have an opportunity to talk what should I say that will make him (if he's single and interested) ask for my number or something? How do you go from 'i'll take that racquet' to him asking for your number? What do I say to make him realize it's okay to ask?
Maybe he's not interested at all or maybe he wouldn't dare ask a customer out -I just don't know but I couldn't mind finding out.
Thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
This story reminds me of April, the Estee Lauder girl at Bloomingdale's many years ago. She was so attractive and I got an instant crush on her. Went there a couple times to talk to her (and of course bought crap I didn't need) and to ask her out but the timing was never right because of too many people around. So I asked her for her business card. She gave it to me. The next day I called her.
You might try the same trick, either asking for his card and then calling him off hours, or telling him that you have further questions about the racket/tennis but you're too busy right now and ask him to call you at xx time (and hand him your card).
You really need to take the conversation out of the work place. Some employers are lenient, but in some workplaces a guy can lose his job for flirting with the clientele.
Anyway, just to finish my story, I called April and asked her to lunch. She told me she was flattered but that she was engaged. Oh, well... at least it saved me from buying Estee Lauder crap that I didn't need. And who knows, maybe I wouldn't have recognized her after she removed all the makeup.
By: Anna
Age: 24
Location: Chicago
Question: Hi Victor. It's Anna from the Anna Syndrome. I liked your last advice and this time I need help asap.
So I went shopping for a new tennis racquet. As I was checking out all the racquets a sales guy walks up to me and asks if I need help. As a seasoned tennis player I don't need help but one look at him and I think I should keep talking. So we chat about racquets etc and as there's not much else to say he leaves me to it...So I continue my browsing but he comes back within a few minutes to 'check' on me. So we start chatting again and still it's about freaking tennis. He then shows me what sort of a racquet he's got, gives me a few of the others to hold, etc (and I stupidly didnt ask where he plays and so on). So that was that and I didn't buy a racquet as I couldn't make my mind up.
So now I intend to go back and get a racquet (and maybe more) but this is the deal:
I thought he was cute and wouldn't mind a date but I am not going to ask because he could have just been nice to a customer, right?
So, if I see him and have an opportunity to talk what should I say that will make him (if he's single and interested) ask for my number or something? How do you go from 'i'll take that racquet' to him asking for your number? What do I say to make him realize it's okay to ask?
Maybe he's not interested at all or maybe he wouldn't dare ask a customer out -I just don't know but I couldn't mind finding out.
Thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
This story reminds me of April, the Estee Lauder girl at Bloomingdale's many years ago. She was so attractive and I got an instant crush on her. Went there a couple times to talk to her (and of course bought crap I didn't need) and to ask her out but the timing was never right because of too many people around. So I asked her for her business card. She gave it to me. The next day I called her.
You might try the same trick, either asking for his card and then calling him off hours, or telling him that you have further questions about the racket/tennis but you're too busy right now and ask him to call you at xx time (and hand him your card).
You really need to take the conversation out of the work place. Some employers are lenient, but in some workplaces a guy can lose his job for flirting with the clientele.
Anyway, just to finish my story, I called April and asked her to lunch. She told me she was flattered but that she was engaged. Oh, well... at least it saved me from buying Estee Lauder crap that I didn't need. And who knows, maybe I wouldn't have recognized her after she removed all the makeup.
I blocked him out if my life for 8 months
Submitted on Friday, February 06, 2009
By: Maria
Age: 30
Location: Amsterdam
Question: I recently start seen my ex again, just as friends, We had a relationship for 6 months and he broke up, and I blocked him out if my life for 8 months.
Last Friday I invited him over for dinner and we ended up together. I was confused, I thought we were just friends, I asked him what all of this meant, he said it meant two person, who still likes each other (I do like him), taken it easy and see where it takes them.
The thing is my ex is going traveling in 2 months, the reason for traveling is that he want to move to another country, he might stay away for a month, 4 months or never come back again. I told him that it would be the dumbest thing to start things now with him leaving, his argument is that you never know what tomorrow brings, maybe this will go so well that I don't have the need to move away.
We have a discussion about it, I made it absolutely clear for him that it better not be a friends with benefit kind of relationship, I’m not that type.
I had the weekend to think, Monday we meet, I need to know what he meant about taken it easy.
He said: we jumped in a relationship before and it didn’t work out, cause he couldn’t be himself, he felt I have all kinds of expectation towards him that he couldn’t live up to.
This time he want to take it easy, so I can get to know the real him and we can get to know each other’s good and bad sides to see if the two of us can work out. Take it easy means we are getting to know each other, we are not dating others, he will be more active in our communication as messaging etc. and will be emotional available. Basically I’m getting everything in a relationship except the title relationship.
We are going to see each other this weekend and I send him a message asking, if he is going to sleep at my place and he said no, he will leave around midnight. I asked him why? Cause i'll like to sleep in my bed with you.. He replied back: I would like that too.. it’s just not something I want to do right now.. I need the time for myself especially before sleep.. hope you understand.
I don't get it, what? I could understand if we had all the time in the world, but the guy is leaving in 2 months? He use to sleep at my place before, why not now? I'm so confused I really don't understand why is he back? Even though he is back, he seems to keep a distance so I wouldn’t get to close.
Thanks in advance for you help :-)
VictorM's advice:
Believe it or not, breaking up with someone is generally very difficult. There's a good chance it was difficult for him to breakup with you before and sounds like he wants to avoid repeating that process again as much as possible. So, he wants to take it easy. Which is part of the reason he doesn't want to sleep with you. He knows very well that sex changes the dynamics between two people and things cease to be "easy."
Why is he trying you again? My guess is just to remove any "what if..." from his mind. Remove all doubt, if you will.
Will this "relationship" work? I don't know but the odds are against it.
By: Maria
Age: 30
Location: Amsterdam
Question: I recently start seen my ex again, just as friends, We had a relationship for 6 months and he broke up, and I blocked him out if my life for 8 months.
Last Friday I invited him over for dinner and we ended up together. I was confused, I thought we were just friends, I asked him what all of this meant, he said it meant two person, who still likes each other (I do like him), taken it easy and see where it takes them.
The thing is my ex is going traveling in 2 months, the reason for traveling is that he want to move to another country, he might stay away for a month, 4 months or never come back again. I told him that it would be the dumbest thing to start things now with him leaving, his argument is that you never know what tomorrow brings, maybe this will go so well that I don't have the need to move away.
We have a discussion about it, I made it absolutely clear for him that it better not be a friends with benefit kind of relationship, I’m not that type.
I had the weekend to think, Monday we meet, I need to know what he meant about taken it easy.
He said: we jumped in a relationship before and it didn’t work out, cause he couldn’t be himself, he felt I have all kinds of expectation towards him that he couldn’t live up to.
This time he want to take it easy, so I can get to know the real him and we can get to know each other’s good and bad sides to see if the two of us can work out. Take it easy means we are getting to know each other, we are not dating others, he will be more active in our communication as messaging etc. and will be emotional available. Basically I’m getting everything in a relationship except the title relationship.
We are going to see each other this weekend and I send him a message asking, if he is going to sleep at my place and he said no, he will leave around midnight. I asked him why? Cause i'll like to sleep in my bed with you.. He replied back: I would like that too.. it’s just not something I want to do right now.. I need the time for myself especially before sleep.. hope you understand.
I don't get it, what? I could understand if we had all the time in the world, but the guy is leaving in 2 months? He use to sleep at my place before, why not now? I'm so confused I really don't understand why is he back? Even though he is back, he seems to keep a distance so I wouldn’t get to close.
Thanks in advance for you help :-)
VictorM's advice:
Believe it or not, breaking up with someone is generally very difficult. There's a good chance it was difficult for him to breakup with you before and sounds like he wants to avoid repeating that process again as much as possible. So, he wants to take it easy. Which is part of the reason he doesn't want to sleep with you. He knows very well that sex changes the dynamics between two people and things cease to be "easy."
Why is he trying you again? My guess is just to remove any "what if..." from his mind. Remove all doubt, if you will.
Will this "relationship" work? I don't know but the odds are against it.
Sometimes men can play hard to get
Submitted on Thursday, February 05, 2009
By: Brianna
Age: 25
Location: New York
Question: How do you tell if a man is playing hard to get? I was talking to my friend and she said that sometimes men can play hard to get, not just women. Can you give me some signs to tell if a man is playing hard to get, or if he is not interested?
Also, I have a second part to the question. If he is playing hard to get, how do you get him to stop? Should you call him out on it?
VictorM's advice:
Guys will often give a girl they like the cold shoulder just to see if she notices it and to get on her mind. I don't think that's quite the same playing hard to get. Shy guys will also appear not to like a girl, when in fact they do.
Why do guys behave like this? One reason: fear of rejection.
The one thing you can notice about a guy who may like you but not show it is a change in behavior when you're around. For example, if a guy is loud and talking to everyone and as you arrive he becomes quieter, there's a good chance he likes you.
If you think a guy may like you but is not showing it, the best thing to do is to smile, always greet him nicely and warmly, and try to find reasons to spend time alone with him. But never, never embarrass the guy. Calling him on it, if he's not comfortable expressing his feelings, is risky. Not a good idea.
By: Brianna
Age: 25
Location: New York
Question: How do you tell if a man is playing hard to get? I was talking to my friend and she said that sometimes men can play hard to get, not just women. Can you give me some signs to tell if a man is playing hard to get, or if he is not interested?
Also, I have a second part to the question. If he is playing hard to get, how do you get him to stop? Should you call him out on it?
VictorM's advice:
Guys will often give a girl they like the cold shoulder just to see if she notices it and to get on her mind. I don't think that's quite the same playing hard to get. Shy guys will also appear not to like a girl, when in fact they do.
Why do guys behave like this? One reason: fear of rejection.
The one thing you can notice about a guy who may like you but not show it is a change in behavior when you're around. For example, if a guy is loud and talking to everyone and as you arrive he becomes quieter, there's a good chance he likes you.
If you think a guy may like you but is not showing it, the best thing to do is to smile, always greet him nicely and warmly, and try to find reasons to spend time alone with him. But never, never embarrass the guy. Calling him on it, if he's not comfortable expressing his feelings, is risky. Not a good idea.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
I haven't had a boyfriend and I can't attract guys
Submitted on Thursday, February 05, 2009
By: Dani
Age: 17
Question: Hi
My name is Dani and my problem is I haven't had a boyfriend and I can't attract guys.
My personality:
I'm not a mean person, party girl or whatever thing that is negative. i'm in college and i think i'm a smart girl. I'm a little serious but not antisocial, i have friends.
Look I didn't think about having a boyfriend before because i thought it was stupid to have one at the age of thirteen, fourteen or fifteen and i thought i was too young for that but now i'm starting to worry. I'm 17, soon 18. I know i'm attractive and a nice person but i don't know why guys don't come near to me, asking me to go out or something. I want to know what it's like sharing with the person you love, love someone who is not your family or a friend that you really care about. I want to know this kind of love.
I don't know what's wrong with me? What am i doing wrong?
what can i do? why men don't like me?
i don't know nothing about relationships, kissing, flirting, read signs or whatever that has to do with the opposite sex .
Sorry my grammar, english is not my first language.
VictorM's advice:
There is nothing at all wrong with you just because you don't have a boyfriend. By your own admission, you didn't look for boyfriends before and even now, you're only 17.
I think girls in your shoes, and at your age, are much more common than people realize.
In any case, I suggest that you smile and greet classmates using their name ("Hi, John"). You'll be amazed what those 2 little things can do for you.
By: Dani
Age: 17
Question: Hi
My name is Dani and my problem is I haven't had a boyfriend and I can't attract guys.
My personality:
I'm not a mean person, party girl or whatever thing that is negative. i'm in college and i think i'm a smart girl. I'm a little serious but not antisocial, i have friends.
Look I didn't think about having a boyfriend before because i thought it was stupid to have one at the age of thirteen, fourteen or fifteen and i thought i was too young for that but now i'm starting to worry. I'm 17, soon 18. I know i'm attractive and a nice person but i don't know why guys don't come near to me, asking me to go out or something. I want to know what it's like sharing with the person you love, love someone who is not your family or a friend that you really care about. I want to know this kind of love.
I don't know what's wrong with me? What am i doing wrong?
what can i do? why men don't like me?
i don't know nothing about relationships, kissing, flirting, read signs or whatever that has to do with the opposite sex .
Sorry my grammar, english is not my first language.
VictorM's advice:
There is nothing at all wrong with you just because you don't have a boyfriend. By your own admission, you didn't look for boyfriends before and even now, you're only 17.
I think girls in your shoes, and at your age, are much more common than people realize.
In any case, I suggest that you smile and greet classmates using their name ("Hi, John"). You'll be amazed what those 2 little things can do for you.
We have an adversarial relationship
Submitted on Wednesday, February 04, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 43
Question: Dear Victor,
I am in a difficult situation. I have been married 24 years and have five children. We have an adversarial relationship and my husband is extremely verbally abusive but I have done my share of abuse too. We both have jobs but he makes a little more money than me, which he reminds me of a lot of the time. For 17 years of our marriage, we lived on welfare, and 10 of those years he was in school. Since he finally got a job 7 years ago, he constantly reminds me how much money he makes. Although I manage the finances, from time to time, he threatens to separate our money and take control of his share. Recently the verbal abuse has escalated and I decided that I no longer want to share a bed with him. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time but was always too afraid to do this. My husband is very religious so he would not go outside the marriage for sex. Since I stopped sleeping with him, he stopped calling me names. It has been about three weeks. Today he told me that if I do not start sleeping with him, he will separate the money for good and go back to calling me names. He said the only reason he was avoiding calling me names was because he was hoping I would start sleeping with him again. I don't know what to do. I don't want to get a divorce because I have five young children. I am not sure what to do. I really don't want to share the bed with him or sleep with him, and the feeling is gone for me after years of verbal abuse. What do I do? Do I sleep with him for the sake of the family, when I have no feelings for him at all, or do I just let whatever happens happen? This is the most upset I have ever seen him. The kids are all still young and living at home. The youngest is 9 and the oldest is 16.
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I wish I could be of more help to you Rachel, but I think your situation is too involved for me to try to address here. If there is any way that you can get professional counseling, I would advise you to do that. There are a lot of support groups for women in your shoes. Seek them out and get advice.
But I will say this: if you sleep with him you will always regret and I don't think the problems will go away. Your husband is a typical bully and bullies only cease their bullying if they are confronted and dealt with determination. I realize that is easier said than done, and if you fear for your safety that complicates things even more.
But your husband, making more money than you, must know that if your marriage fails he will be on the hook for significant child support. So you do have some leverage on a topic of major importance to him.
You also need to seriously evaluate if your children are better off with parents who live apart instead of with parents who fight often.
So, look into support groups, get legal advice, and consider what's best for your children. Do some research, talk to people, and try to determine a path you think it's best.
By: Rachel
Age: 43
Question: Dear Victor,
I am in a difficult situation. I have been married 24 years and have five children. We have an adversarial relationship and my husband is extremely verbally abusive but I have done my share of abuse too. We both have jobs but he makes a little more money than me, which he reminds me of a lot of the time. For 17 years of our marriage, we lived on welfare, and 10 of those years he was in school. Since he finally got a job 7 years ago, he constantly reminds me how much money he makes. Although I manage the finances, from time to time, he threatens to separate our money and take control of his share. Recently the verbal abuse has escalated and I decided that I no longer want to share a bed with him. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time but was always too afraid to do this. My husband is very religious so he would not go outside the marriage for sex. Since I stopped sleeping with him, he stopped calling me names. It has been about three weeks. Today he told me that if I do not start sleeping with him, he will separate the money for good and go back to calling me names. He said the only reason he was avoiding calling me names was because he was hoping I would start sleeping with him again. I don't know what to do. I don't want to get a divorce because I have five young children. I am not sure what to do. I really don't want to share the bed with him or sleep with him, and the feeling is gone for me after years of verbal abuse. What do I do? Do I sleep with him for the sake of the family, when I have no feelings for him at all, or do I just let whatever happens happen? This is the most upset I have ever seen him. The kids are all still young and living at home. The youngest is 9 and the oldest is 16.
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I wish I could be of more help to you Rachel, but I think your situation is too involved for me to try to address here. If there is any way that you can get professional counseling, I would advise you to do that. There are a lot of support groups for women in your shoes. Seek them out and get advice.
But I will say this: if you sleep with him you will always regret and I don't think the problems will go away. Your husband is a typical bully and bullies only cease their bullying if they are confronted and dealt with determination. I realize that is easier said than done, and if you fear for your safety that complicates things even more.
But your husband, making more money than you, must know that if your marriage fails he will be on the hook for significant child support. So you do have some leverage on a topic of major importance to him.
You also need to seriously evaluate if your children are better off with parents who live apart instead of with parents who fight often.
So, look into support groups, get legal advice, and consider what's best for your children. Do some research, talk to people, and try to determine a path you think it's best.
The other night i lost my virginity to him
Submitted on Wednesday, February 04, 2009
By: casey
Age: 17
Location: west virginia
Question: ok so i have been hanging out with this one guy a lot. he's really cute and nice and ive had a thing for him since june. we've been getting closer and talk a lot more and one night we made out and stuff. even after that we talked even more and spent more time around each other. the other night i lost my virginity to him. it was very sweet. i guess what you would consider "making love" not just random sex and we started talking even more after that. so everything sounds great, doesn't it? well there's a problem: he's 23, six years older than me. and he's one of my brother's best friends. now he acts like he likes me but we never can act like it around my brother and his friends because the age thing and the sister thing. so i don't know if he would ever date me because the age and brother thing or not. i really like him and he seems to like me as well but i just don't know for sure and i like knowing for sure. how to i ask him without freaking him? i love how things are going with him and i just don't want to screw things up with him.
VictorM's advice:
You sorta contradict yourself. You say you love how things are going... except, well, you don't really. You want to know something you don't, and you want to be something you're not.
You have to decide if things as they are is how fine with you, in which case you leave them alone, or if you want something else, in which case you bring it up and have a calm discussion with him.
But if you want something different than what you have, you have to be prepared, and so does he, to come out from the shadows with your brother, your friends, and your parents.
PS. If it's any consolation, I got married at 23. How old was she? 17.
By: casey
Age: 17
Location: west virginia
Question: ok so i have been hanging out with this one guy a lot. he's really cute and nice and ive had a thing for him since june. we've been getting closer and talk a lot more and one night we made out and stuff. even after that we talked even more and spent more time around each other. the other night i lost my virginity to him. it was very sweet. i guess what you would consider "making love" not just random sex and we started talking even more after that. so everything sounds great, doesn't it? well there's a problem: he's 23, six years older than me. and he's one of my brother's best friends. now he acts like he likes me but we never can act like it around my brother and his friends because the age thing and the sister thing. so i don't know if he would ever date me because the age and brother thing or not. i really like him and he seems to like me as well but i just don't know for sure and i like knowing for sure. how to i ask him without freaking him? i love how things are going with him and i just don't want to screw things up with him.
VictorM's advice:
You sorta contradict yourself. You say you love how things are going... except, well, you don't really. You want to know something you don't, and you want to be something you're not.
You have to decide if things as they are is how fine with you, in which case you leave them alone, or if you want something else, in which case you bring it up and have a calm discussion with him.
But if you want something different than what you have, you have to be prepared, and so does he, to come out from the shadows with your brother, your friends, and your parents.
PS. If it's any consolation, I got married at 23. How old was she? 17.
I'm afraid that I'm crushing on a glorified image of him
Submitted on Wednesday, February 04, 2009
By: Kara Thrace
Age: 18
Location: UMBC
Question: Hi. So I'm a freshmen engineering major in my second semester and in my calc class, there's a guy that I sit next to during discussions. So basically, I didn't know anyone in any of my new classes this semester which just started last week so I sat in a random seat during discussion. In this, we work in groups on some math problems and there's this guy that's in my group that seemed pretty nice. So, after the second discussion, we ended up talking, and walking across campus back to our respective dorms together. We didn't talk about about much, just the normal stuff like "Where are you from?", "What's your major?" and a bit of academic stuff. He's really nerdy and awkward but seems nice and these are the kind of guys I end up liking.
So lo and behold, just the other day, when I was looking forward to my math discussion which I normally hate, I realized that I think I've developed a crush for this guy. I've been looking forward to math because I know I'll see him and we'll end up talking on the way back from class and I've found myself just daydreaming about him. It's just that, I tend to do this without knowing the guy (I'm horrible with names I actually forgot what his was! But I didnt know my best friend in hs's name for an entire month and this is normal) so I'm afraid that I'm crushing on a glorified image of him and I don't know what to do.
Basically, this happened last semester where I ended up liking a guy on my floor and after finally confronting him about how I felt (the first time I've ever done so), he turned out to be a complete asshole, so I'm afraid that I'm doing the same thing here. I think I'm just trying to sort out my feelings about this new guy, because I'm wondering if I just like him because his personality seems to be like mine, in that he's very academically motivated (also an engineering major), seems socially awkward, etc. and therefore I think i've made a connection in my head that it means that I have a lesser chance of being rejected by him or that theres nothing there and there's nothing to be rejected of. I think my thing is that I could see him liking me and therefore I'm wondering if that's why I like him, again going along with the fear of being rejected. That or if I truly am attracted to this guy whom I know little about.
I mean, I dont know how he feels about me either; I know that theres a bunch of other people that walk the same way back after class that he could talk to. I've also vaguely invited him to breakfast with me after class since it ends around 9:30ish but he said that he's already eaten, and I'm wondering if I'm overanalyzing this as an excuse or if he's telling the truth. I mean, I dont really know what else to do, if theres actually anything here or if it's because I'm just obsessing for the sake of obsessing to make my life a bit more interesting. I mean, I'm horrible with this kind of stuff, I've never been in any kind of relationship, let alone been out on a date, so whenever anything pops into my life that's not school related, I have no idea how to sort out my feelings to figure and to figure out what to do. I know my writings a bit redundant but I dont know how he feels either, and how do I even tell? I've talked to my friend about this and she says that there's a possibility that he likes me too, but I'm just so confused in trying to sort through my feelings that I'm at a complete loss in this whole situation! Do I even like this guy for the right reasons? Or is this a repeat of last semester where I was basically "Oh my god! He seems like a nice guy! I've never seen other people before, let alone guys after living in my cave for the past 4 years working on getting into college! I like him!" Or should I just stop worrying and just let everything be? How do I discern his feelings on this whole thing? Now as I finish this, I'm about to leave for my math lecture to see if I can find where he's sitting and discreetly find a seat near him to say hi. I just have no idea what to do next!
VictorM's advice:
Slow down there, Kara. You're running the risk of getting stuck in an endless loop... haha :)
First things first. A crush is exactly what you describe: feeling attracted to a glorified image of someone you just met. It's chemistry. May turn out to be true, or may turn out to be false, but what's the point of getting hooked on a mediocre imagine of anyone? So I see nothing wrong with that. Such attractions are just like a radar that let you know of the presence of someone of interest, but usually, people get over the initial fantasy pretty quickly and start getting to know the person.
So the one guy previously turned out to be a jerk. The good side of the story is that you found out soon enough. And so you moved on. And now, you're feeling it again. Good! It all just means that you weren't wounded for life by the previous incident, that in fact, you're healthy and ready to go again.
As for this guy... well, he might like you and he might not, who knows, but continue to talk to him and give yourself time to learn some more about him all the while enjoying the fun of the fantasy. Do not be too quick to let him know how you feel, but don't shy away from spending time with him either.
And stop thinking so much, lest you develop a brain hernia. Seriously, what you're feeling is quite normal and it should be fun. Enjoy it.
By: Kara Thrace
Age: 18
Location: UMBC
Question: Hi. So I'm a freshmen engineering major in my second semester and in my calc class, there's a guy that I sit next to during discussions. So basically, I didn't know anyone in any of my new classes this semester which just started last week so I sat in a random seat during discussion. In this, we work in groups on some math problems and there's this guy that's in my group that seemed pretty nice. So, after the second discussion, we ended up talking, and walking across campus back to our respective dorms together. We didn't talk about about much, just the normal stuff like "Where are you from?", "What's your major?" and a bit of academic stuff. He's really nerdy and awkward but seems nice and these are the kind of guys I end up liking.
So lo and behold, just the other day, when I was looking forward to my math discussion which I normally hate, I realized that I think I've developed a crush for this guy. I've been looking forward to math because I know I'll see him and we'll end up talking on the way back from class and I've found myself just daydreaming about him. It's just that, I tend to do this without knowing the guy (I'm horrible with names I actually forgot what his was! But I didnt know my best friend in hs's name for an entire month and this is normal) so I'm afraid that I'm crushing on a glorified image of him and I don't know what to do.
Basically, this happened last semester where I ended up liking a guy on my floor and after finally confronting him about how I felt (the first time I've ever done so), he turned out to be a complete asshole, so I'm afraid that I'm doing the same thing here. I think I'm just trying to sort out my feelings about this new guy, because I'm wondering if I just like him because his personality seems to be like mine, in that he's very academically motivated (also an engineering major), seems socially awkward, etc. and therefore I think i've made a connection in my head that it means that I have a lesser chance of being rejected by him or that theres nothing there and there's nothing to be rejected of. I think my thing is that I could see him liking me and therefore I'm wondering if that's why I like him, again going along with the fear of being rejected. That or if I truly am attracted to this guy whom I know little about.
I mean, I dont know how he feels about me either; I know that theres a bunch of other people that walk the same way back after class that he could talk to. I've also vaguely invited him to breakfast with me after class since it ends around 9:30ish but he said that he's already eaten, and I'm wondering if I'm overanalyzing this as an excuse or if he's telling the truth. I mean, I dont really know what else to do, if theres actually anything here or if it's because I'm just obsessing for the sake of obsessing to make my life a bit more interesting. I mean, I'm horrible with this kind of stuff, I've never been in any kind of relationship, let alone been out on a date, so whenever anything pops into my life that's not school related, I have no idea how to sort out my feelings to figure and to figure out what to do. I know my writings a bit redundant but I dont know how he feels either, and how do I even tell? I've talked to my friend about this and she says that there's a possibility that he likes me too, but I'm just so confused in trying to sort through my feelings that I'm at a complete loss in this whole situation! Do I even like this guy for the right reasons? Or is this a repeat of last semester where I was basically "Oh my god! He seems like a nice guy! I've never seen other people before, let alone guys after living in my cave for the past 4 years working on getting into college! I like him!" Or should I just stop worrying and just let everything be? How do I discern his feelings on this whole thing? Now as I finish this, I'm about to leave for my math lecture to see if I can find where he's sitting and discreetly find a seat near him to say hi. I just have no idea what to do next!
VictorM's advice:
Slow down there, Kara. You're running the risk of getting stuck in an endless loop... haha :)
First things first. A crush is exactly what you describe: feeling attracted to a glorified image of someone you just met. It's chemistry. May turn out to be true, or may turn out to be false, but what's the point of getting hooked on a mediocre imagine of anyone? So I see nothing wrong with that. Such attractions are just like a radar that let you know of the presence of someone of interest, but usually, people get over the initial fantasy pretty quickly and start getting to know the person.
So the one guy previously turned out to be a jerk. The good side of the story is that you found out soon enough. And so you moved on. And now, you're feeling it again. Good! It all just means that you weren't wounded for life by the previous incident, that in fact, you're healthy and ready to go again.
As for this guy... well, he might like you and he might not, who knows, but continue to talk to him and give yourself time to learn some more about him all the while enjoying the fun of the fantasy. Do not be too quick to let him know how you feel, but don't shy away from spending time with him either.
And stop thinking so much, lest you develop a brain hernia. Seriously, what you're feeling is quite normal and it should be fun. Enjoy it.
Friday, February 06, 2009
You can't predict the future
Submitted on Wednesday, February 04, 2009
By: Ginger
Age: 29
Location: Arizona
Question: I have read many of the questions/answer on this page. The question for you is, that no matter how much time has went by- let's say a year for example- once a guy has broken up with you that he will never truly want to be with you again? Hypothetically you bump into each other at some event/store and end up chatting and exchanging numbers. He doesn't call question answered. But then he does call and ask you to go out. Even with that outing, it means nothing because once he has had you and broken up with you that is they way he will always feel. Basically once a guy has had you and broken up with you that's that and no hope should be thought of. I think you might say why would you want to date someone that broke up with- got it. I think you may say that you can't predict the future- got it. I am ask in general from a guys perspective such as yourself. I feel this question being answered would help a lot of readers get through the break up and not hope because it is one of the bigger downfalls for some people sometimes.
VictorM's advice:
I think the desire to date an ex is very common. It can happen for a variety of reasons but most often it's done to resolve a "what if..." question from your mind. I would say -- and I have no statistics to back this up, it's just my personal impression -- that the ratio of success is very low. There was a reason for the breakup and most often that reason resurfaces after a while.
PS. I'm not quite sure my answer is what you were looking for. Please let me know if it's not.
By: Ginger
Age: 29
Location: Arizona
Question: I have read many of the questions/answer on this page. The question for you is, that no matter how much time has went by- let's say a year for example- once a guy has broken up with you that he will never truly want to be with you again? Hypothetically you bump into each other at some event/store and end up chatting and exchanging numbers. He doesn't call question answered. But then he does call and ask you to go out. Even with that outing, it means nothing because once he has had you and broken up with you that is they way he will always feel. Basically once a guy has had you and broken up with you that's that and no hope should be thought of. I think you might say why would you want to date someone that broke up with- got it. I think you may say that you can't predict the future- got it. I am ask in general from a guys perspective such as yourself. I feel this question being answered would help a lot of readers get through the break up and not hope because it is one of the bigger downfalls for some people sometimes.
VictorM's advice:
I think the desire to date an ex is very common. It can happen for a variety of reasons but most often it's done to resolve a "what if..." question from your mind. I would say -- and I have no statistics to back this up, it's just my personal impression -- that the ratio of success is very low. There was a reason for the breakup and most often that reason resurfaces after a while.
PS. I'm not quite sure my answer is what you were looking for. Please let me know if it's not.
He doesn't want a 'girlfriend'
Submitted on Tuesday, February 03, 2009
By: Erin
Age: 22
Location: South Jersey
Question: I have sort of been seeing one guy for the last six months or so. We met through a mutual friend shortly after he ended a year and a half long relationship with a nutjob girl I used to go to high school with. I would say our 'relationship' consists of a lot of the stuff that normal couples do - we sleep at each other's houses nearly every weekend, my family loves him, we go out all the time, and we're going on a week long vacation for his birthday in a few weeks. The sex is pretty damn good, too, though it doesn't necessarily come as frequently as we (or I, at least) would like it to. I am very attached to him and I want to pursue this relationship and develop it. The issue I'm trying to wrap my head around is that he has always said from the very beginning that he doesn't want a 'girlfriend'. He's been burned by a few too many psycho chicks, and now I think he's got this idea in his head that the term girlfriend has some magic powers to make a girl crazy. So what exactly does he think I am? He likes to call what we have an "open relationship", but neither of us have ever expressed any interest in trying to see other people. Is he interested at all and just dealing with commitment issues? Or am I just a really convenient friend?
VictorM's advice:
Six months is long enough to know where he stands. Now, it's possible that he's just being a little over cautious with language to communicate a desire to go slow, but at the same time, you can't ignore that maybe you're just a convenient transition relationship.
If six months into a relationship he's still using the term "open relationship," even if neither one of you actually exercise the freedoms inherent in the term, and if in his 20's his sexual appetite doesn't match yours... these are worrying signs.
It is natural for guys to want to go slow, but considering the life styles you already share, this is too slow for it to be normal. The other thing that is also normal for guys is to get away with as much as they can. Girls see relationships as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. So he may be pushing his desire for freedom a much as you allow even if he doesn't exercise it (but it's on his mind anyway).
Maybe not right away, but soon you will have to let him know that an "open relationship" doesn't work for you. He may bolt away or he may commit, but I think whatever his disposition, he's already had plenty of time to know where he wants to go. It's really just up to you whether you want to find out now or later.
By: Erin
Age: 22
Location: South Jersey
Question: I have sort of been seeing one guy for the last six months or so. We met through a mutual friend shortly after he ended a year and a half long relationship with a nutjob girl I used to go to high school with. I would say our 'relationship' consists of a lot of the stuff that normal couples do - we sleep at each other's houses nearly every weekend, my family loves him, we go out all the time, and we're going on a week long vacation for his birthday in a few weeks. The sex is pretty damn good, too, though it doesn't necessarily come as frequently as we (or I, at least) would like it to. I am very attached to him and I want to pursue this relationship and develop it. The issue I'm trying to wrap my head around is that he has always said from the very beginning that he doesn't want a 'girlfriend'. He's been burned by a few too many psycho chicks, and now I think he's got this idea in his head that the term girlfriend has some magic powers to make a girl crazy. So what exactly does he think I am? He likes to call what we have an "open relationship", but neither of us have ever expressed any interest in trying to see other people. Is he interested at all and just dealing with commitment issues? Or am I just a really convenient friend?
VictorM's advice:
Six months is long enough to know where he stands. Now, it's possible that he's just being a little over cautious with language to communicate a desire to go slow, but at the same time, you can't ignore that maybe you're just a convenient transition relationship.
If six months into a relationship he's still using the term "open relationship," even if neither one of you actually exercise the freedoms inherent in the term, and if in his 20's his sexual appetite doesn't match yours... these are worrying signs.
It is natural for guys to want to go slow, but considering the life styles you already share, this is too slow for it to be normal. The other thing that is also normal for guys is to get away with as much as they can. Girls see relationships as security, guys see it as loss of freedom. So he may be pushing his desire for freedom a much as you allow even if he doesn't exercise it (but it's on his mind anyway).
Maybe not right away, but soon you will have to let him know that an "open relationship" doesn't work for you. He may bolt away or he may commit, but I think whatever his disposition, he's already had plenty of time to know where he wants to go. It's really just up to you whether you want to find out now or later.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Um...
Submitted on Tuesday, February 03, 2009
By: maria
Age: 17
Location: sierra vista
Question: what does it mean when a guy always says um when you ask him something. could that mean that he likes you?
VictorM's advice:
Um... well, let me think... um...
I think he's just stalling for time thinking of an answer. I would not jump to the conclusion that he likes, although he might. You'd need other evidence to reach that conclusion.
By: maria
Age: 17
Location: sierra vista
Question: what does it mean when a guy always says um when you ask him something. could that mean that he likes you?
VictorM's advice:
Um... well, let me think... um...
I think he's just stalling for time thinking of an answer. I would not jump to the conclusion that he likes, although he might. You'd need other evidence to reach that conclusion.
Hot guy
Submitted on Tuesday, February 03, 2009
By: kaylee
Age: 8
Location: vallonia,IN
Question: How do you know if really hot guy likes you?
VictorM's advice:
If he's willing to share his delicious, juicy, tasteful lobster at dinner time, he likes you.
Well... you're 8. Really, 8? This is not a typo and you mean 18? If you really are 8, never mind the lobster comment.
It's hard because boys your age have the attention span of a moth. They like you now... and now... they don't like you anymore. But sharing with you things that he likes, no matter what your ages, means he likes you. Even if he pulls your pigtails and makes fun of you.
By: kaylee
Age: 8
Location: vallonia,IN
Question: How do you know if really hot guy likes you?
VictorM's advice:
If he's willing to share his delicious, juicy, tasteful lobster at dinner time, he likes you.
Well... you're 8. Really, 8? This is not a typo and you mean 18? If you really are 8, never mind the lobster comment.
It's hard because boys your age have the attention span of a moth. They like you now... and now... they don't like you anymore. But sharing with you things that he likes, no matter what your ages, means he likes you. Even if he pulls your pigtails and makes fun of you.
He still has profiles on various dating sites
Submitted on Tuesday, February 03, 2009
By: Amber
Age: 20
Location: CA
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. I recently found that he still has profiles on various dating sites. I confronted him about it and he said the profiles are inactive and have been for a while now. He says he doesn't receive any messages anyway and basically tells me I shouldn't be worried about it. I do know that he views women's profiles as I've found the pages on my computer. He asked: "Who do I spend 90% of my time with?" We do spend a lot of time together, so why is this bothering me? Should I be bothered by his dating profiles? Help.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know whether you have a good reason or not to be bothered, but I believe you should trust your instincts. So, if something is bothering, you should express it. But do so in terms of what it means to you and your feelings. Don't accuse him doing something wrong if you don't know that, but if those profiles, or him looking through other women's profiles, make you insecure, unhappy, distrustful, etc. say so. But again, I say, keep it about you, not him, by saying things such as: "I feel insecure about you viewing profiles." Most guys who really are into a girl will want to make her happy and feeling good about the relationship.
Now, it's also true that sometimes one party in the relationship asks too much of the other. But these are the types of things that the couple needs to find out about each other. How much is he willing to do to keep you happy and safe or does he think you're asking for too much? Only you two can determine that. But if you can't agree, you'll have problems, whether it's online profiles today or something else tomorrow.
By: Amber
Age: 20
Location: CA
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. I recently found that he still has profiles on various dating sites. I confronted him about it and he said the profiles are inactive and have been for a while now. He says he doesn't receive any messages anyway and basically tells me I shouldn't be worried about it. I do know that he views women's profiles as I've found the pages on my computer. He asked: "Who do I spend 90% of my time with?" We do spend a lot of time together, so why is this bothering me? Should I be bothered by his dating profiles? Help.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know whether you have a good reason or not to be bothered, but I believe you should trust your instincts. So, if something is bothering, you should express it. But do so in terms of what it means to you and your feelings. Don't accuse him doing something wrong if you don't know that, but if those profiles, or him looking through other women's profiles, make you insecure, unhappy, distrustful, etc. say so. But again, I say, keep it about you, not him, by saying things such as: "I feel insecure about you viewing profiles." Most guys who really are into a girl will want to make her happy and feeling good about the relationship.
Now, it's also true that sometimes one party in the relationship asks too much of the other. But these are the types of things that the couple needs to find out about each other. How much is he willing to do to keep you happy and safe or does he think you're asking for too much? Only you two can determine that. But if you can't agree, you'll have problems, whether it's online profiles today or something else tomorrow.
Nina's update
Submitted on Tuesday, February 03, 2009
By: Nita
Age: 43
Location: OK
Question: Hi Victor: It's been a while. I tried to locate my earlier post, to keep you updated, but it has been several months. Anyway, to summarize, there is a man (instructor) who is in another department. On numerous occasions I would catch him staring at me. We began to speak to each other and eventually, using your helpful advise, I asked him to lunch. It went very well. We would email, and speak almost daily. Again, using your terrific advise, I "kicked it up a notch"...I asked him to dinner. His reply, "I think I need to pass, but thanks for asking". As you had said, and I completely agree, it is better to know, one way, or the other. I wasn't devastated. I didn't collapse. If anything, I got to know someone, if only briefly. I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something I've never done before...I asked a man out! I have a better understanding and appreciation of what men go through. It isn't easy, but when you take the chance, sometimes (our lunches and coffee breaks were a blast), you have an opportunity to find out more about the person that you might never have known. It is all good! Since our department has moved to another building, I'm sure our paths will not cross, but while they did, it was great fun!
Thanks Victor for your helpful suggestions. Have a great day!
PS. I have located my earlier messages to you here.
Thank you again for your advice, comments, and helpful suggestions. I appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for the update, Nita. Sorry to hear things didn't work out as you'd like, but kudos to you for taking action and getting a resolution.
By: Nita
Age: 43
Location: OK
Question: Hi Victor: It's been a while. I tried to locate my earlier post, to keep you updated, but it has been several months. Anyway, to summarize, there is a man (instructor) who is in another department. On numerous occasions I would catch him staring at me. We began to speak to each other and eventually, using your helpful advise, I asked him to lunch. It went very well. We would email, and speak almost daily. Again, using your terrific advise, I "kicked it up a notch"...I asked him to dinner. His reply, "I think I need to pass, but thanks for asking". As you had said, and I completely agree, it is better to know, one way, or the other. I wasn't devastated. I didn't collapse. If anything, I got to know someone, if only briefly. I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something I've never done before...I asked a man out! I have a better understanding and appreciation of what men go through. It isn't easy, but when you take the chance, sometimes (our lunches and coffee breaks were a blast), you have an opportunity to find out more about the person that you might never have known. It is all good! Since our department has moved to another building, I'm sure our paths will not cross, but while they did, it was great fun!
Thanks Victor for your helpful suggestions. Have a great day!
PS. I have located my earlier messages to you here.
Thank you again for your advice, comments, and helpful suggestions. I appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for the update, Nita. Sorry to hear things didn't work out as you'd like, but kudos to you for taking action and getting a resolution.
He's a paramedic and I am a nurse
Submitted on Monday, February 02, 2009
By: Jamie
Age: 24
Location: Texas
Question: So i've met someone who i've found I have a lot of common interests with. He's a paramedic and I am a nurse, so we have plenty to talk about (many funny stories). We've only been on a couple of dates, but I find myself thinking about him, a lot.
On our first date, we hung out at a club with a mixture of some of his and my friends. One of his friends asked me to dance so I did. Completely innocent. Later, I found out that while I was dancing with his friend he was asking questions about me to my best friend. Questions like how long had she and I been friends, what kind of things I was interested in, stuff like that. Recently, we ended our last date at his place, where one thing led to another and before we knew it...well you know. I don't make it a habit of sleeping with guys after only a couple of dates, but we hit it off so well and...well...quite frankly I just wanted to haha.
Anyways, I always feel awekward the next morning after being with someone new because I don't know how to act. I don't know if I should take off pretty quick or stay and hang out, act lovey dovey or give him his space...basically where the boundaries are.
So of course not knowing how to act i'm sure I made it obvious that I felt awkward, but he cuddled with me the next morning and offered for me to stay as long as I wanted to. The weird thing is, when i got ready to leave we didn't kiss or hug goodbye or anything. I was kind of worried that now that we had slept together he wasn't really interested in me anymore, so i did what I probably shouldn't have done and i texted him and asked if this was going to be a one night stand type of thing or were we going to see each other more? He replied back and said for me to let him know when I want to hang out again. I kind of took that as him saying to text him only when i'm free to see him again. So I didn't reply back.
He called me later that night to ask me how my day had gone and it seemed as if though there was something more he wanted to say, but he was holding back. We only talked for like 5 min, but after we got off the phone he sent me a text asking when were we gonna hang out again. We made plans to hang out this next weekend, but I need to make sure first that he's not wanting to hang out just to "hook up".
I'm not interested in having a friends-with-benefits type of relationship. I'm at the age where I would like to have a steady boyfriend. How can I make sure his intentions are the same as mine? Does it sound like he's interested in me for more than just sex? I find myself wanting to text him just to be able to talk to him, but I know you're supposed to let the guy pursue you and blah blah blah. Would it be ok if I texted him and if so what could I say that would be something smooth and laid back, but let him know i'm thinking of him?
VictorM's advice:
You've only been on a couple of dates. It's too early for him to know if he wants to be in a committed relationship. You really have to take his interest in going out with you as a continuation of interest in you. That interest might die at some point, but for now you seem to be on the general path of advancing and seeing where things go.
You'll have the opportunity on your next date to set limits of sexual activity. He's a guy; he's not likely to say no to sex, but you shouldn't assume that's all he wants. After all, last time around, you wanted it too.
Just give him more time to get to know you better before wondering where he might prefer to go. From everything you've told me, he just seems bent on getting to know you better.
By: Jamie
Age: 24
Location: Texas
Question: So i've met someone who i've found I have a lot of common interests with. He's a paramedic and I am a nurse, so we have plenty to talk about (many funny stories). We've only been on a couple of dates, but I find myself thinking about him, a lot.
On our first date, we hung out at a club with a mixture of some of his and my friends. One of his friends asked me to dance so I did. Completely innocent. Later, I found out that while I was dancing with his friend he was asking questions about me to my best friend. Questions like how long had she and I been friends, what kind of things I was interested in, stuff like that. Recently, we ended our last date at his place, where one thing led to another and before we knew it...well you know. I don't make it a habit of sleeping with guys after only a couple of dates, but we hit it off so well and...well...quite frankly I just wanted to haha.
Anyways, I always feel awekward the next morning after being with someone new because I don't know how to act. I don't know if I should take off pretty quick or stay and hang out, act lovey dovey or give him his space...basically where the boundaries are.
So of course not knowing how to act i'm sure I made it obvious that I felt awkward, but he cuddled with me the next morning and offered for me to stay as long as I wanted to. The weird thing is, when i got ready to leave we didn't kiss or hug goodbye or anything. I was kind of worried that now that we had slept together he wasn't really interested in me anymore, so i did what I probably shouldn't have done and i texted him and asked if this was going to be a one night stand type of thing or were we going to see each other more? He replied back and said for me to let him know when I want to hang out again. I kind of took that as him saying to text him only when i'm free to see him again. So I didn't reply back.
He called me later that night to ask me how my day had gone and it seemed as if though there was something more he wanted to say, but he was holding back. We only talked for like 5 min, but after we got off the phone he sent me a text asking when were we gonna hang out again. We made plans to hang out this next weekend, but I need to make sure first that he's not wanting to hang out just to "hook up".
I'm not interested in having a friends-with-benefits type of relationship. I'm at the age where I would like to have a steady boyfriend. How can I make sure his intentions are the same as mine? Does it sound like he's interested in me for more than just sex? I find myself wanting to text him just to be able to talk to him, but I know you're supposed to let the guy pursue you and blah blah blah. Would it be ok if I texted him and if so what could I say that would be something smooth and laid back, but let him know i'm thinking of him?
VictorM's advice:
You've only been on a couple of dates. It's too early for him to know if he wants to be in a committed relationship. You really have to take his interest in going out with you as a continuation of interest in you. That interest might die at some point, but for now you seem to be on the general path of advancing and seeing where things go.
You'll have the opportunity on your next date to set limits of sexual activity. He's a guy; he's not likely to say no to sex, but you shouldn't assume that's all he wants. After all, last time around, you wanted it too.
Just give him more time to get to know you better before wondering where he might prefer to go. From everything you've told me, he just seems bent on getting to know you better.
My fiance had a (drunk) one night stand
Submitted on Monday, February 02, 2009
By: leanna
Age: 30
Location: san francisco
Question: My fiance had a (drunk) one night stand with a girl who is less attractive than me a month after we started dating (3 years ago) and I just found out. We hadn't had the exclusivity talk yet but had just started sleeping together after 8 dates. I am not sure what to do here. He feels bad about it (not that he broke an agreement, but that it hurt me) and has not given signs of cheating through the relationship. It makes me think he just wasn't that into me when we started sleeping together though. Leaves me feeling really deflated. Guy's perspective on this? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
As I say often on this page, guys take a lot longer than girls to feel committed to a relationship. It takes a while for guys to feel in love (earlier enthusiasm is most often just lust or a brain induced chemical reaction). So I wouldn't say he wasn't into you, but typical of guy behavior, he hadn't yet planted roots in the early going. That is, he was into you but he didn't feel attached yet. He was still, in his mind, on his own.
The most important point for you to realize is that guys don't have to develop feelings to have sex, but they have to reach that point to feel fully committed. He wasn't committed to you one month into the relationship, but he is now. And that makes all the difference in the world.
By: leanna
Age: 30
Location: san francisco
Question: My fiance had a (drunk) one night stand with a girl who is less attractive than me a month after we started dating (3 years ago) and I just found out. We hadn't had the exclusivity talk yet but had just started sleeping together after 8 dates. I am not sure what to do here. He feels bad about it (not that he broke an agreement, but that it hurt me) and has not given signs of cheating through the relationship. It makes me think he just wasn't that into me when we started sleeping together though. Leaves me feeling really deflated. Guy's perspective on this? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
As I say often on this page, guys take a lot longer than girls to feel committed to a relationship. It takes a while for guys to feel in love (earlier enthusiasm is most often just lust or a brain induced chemical reaction). So I wouldn't say he wasn't into you, but typical of guy behavior, he hadn't yet planted roots in the early going. That is, he was into you but he didn't feel attached yet. He was still, in his mind, on his own.
The most important point for you to realize is that guys don't have to develop feelings to have sex, but they have to reach that point to feel fully committed. He wasn't committed to you one month into the relationship, but he is now. And that makes all the difference in the world.
Everything was going great until...
Submitted on Monday, February 02, 2009
By: eirn
Age: 38
Location: ireland
Question: hi victor,
really enjoy the site, keep up the good work.
Ok my problem is, I've been going out with this guy who use to be my ex for around 3 months now altho we live about an hour away we try to see each other every Sunday. Everything was going great until last Sunday night, we sat in with a bottle of wine watching a dvd and having a great laugh and then around midnight i went to the bathroom came back and everything seemed to change, he became very distant didn't say much to me, when it came time for bed he gave me a kiss on the cheek and turned his back on me, which really hurt as it took a lot for me to sleep with him.. so i asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said if i wanted to, so i left.. the next day i was at my uncle's funeral and i received a txt from him saying that he was so sorry for last night.. i replied saying that he made it so obvious that he didn't want me there so i wasn't going to stay where i'm not wanted and i didn't know what i had done wrong.. and he replied saying that i had done nothing wrong but he didn't want to date anybody.. i couldn't believe it, for the last few months he was telling me how glad he was that we had got back in touch again and that his only regret was breaking up with me, and on Sunday before we met he txt saying that he couldn't wait to see me.. i can't figure him out.. i didn't reply to his txt when he said that he didn't want to date anyone.. should i have answered him? i know he's under pressure with his kids, work, money etc. but that's no excuse to treat me like that when i have done nothing wrong.. the only thing that i think happened is that my cousin's bf txt me joking about getting my bf to take me to bed for a good shag (it's a running joke between my cousin and me) don't know why her bf txt me, anyway when i came back from the bathroom i noticed the txt from my cousin's bf and my phone wasn't where i left it, it was upside down.. i know my bf didn't read the txt but he could see who it was from and a little of what was in the txt, i told him who sent the message and who he was and he seemed ok with that, well i thought he was.. i know his ex wife cheated on him and a girl he dated for a few yrs cheated also, but im not like that, i wouldn't do that on him i love him too much always have since we first dated 20yrs ago. plz victor help, what should i do, i don't want to give up but i don't want to run after someone who doesn't want me either.
i sent a txt to him by mistake yesterday it was meant for my cousin, i txt him to say i was sorry but it was meant for someone else and he replied 'don't be sorry. its ok.'
thanks victor, your a gent ;))
VictorM's advice:
Given the history, it seems pretty obvious that the text message that he saw -- and I would be shocked if he didn't take a look at it -- was enough to provoke the reaction you experienced from him. Something like that can trigger a change in mood, as quickly as a light switch turns off a light.
Your explanation of who sent the message made no difference because once the thoughts of all previous pain flooded his mind, he was no longer receptive to any new information. Basically, he was already disconnected from you and anything dealing with you.
What to do? Reply to his text messages. Seek to go out with him. Try to revive the interaction between you two. It's possible that he'll realize that the one text message triggered a reaction that had to do with his past and those other women, not with you and the future. These sort of triggers, whether they come from you or others, are likely to happen in the future. This one time you happened to be the one directly involved, but at other times, you may be indirectly involved.
If he gets over this incident quickly, then this was just a blip in the relationship and you two could recover nicely; however, if he stays stubborn about it, you may be wise to stay away because he's spoiled goods and is likely to make the life of any future female companion a living hell of suspicions and accusations.
By: eirn
Age: 38
Location: ireland
Question: hi victor,
really enjoy the site, keep up the good work.
Ok my problem is, I've been going out with this guy who use to be my ex for around 3 months now altho we live about an hour away we try to see each other every Sunday. Everything was going great until last Sunday night, we sat in with a bottle of wine watching a dvd and having a great laugh and then around midnight i went to the bathroom came back and everything seemed to change, he became very distant didn't say much to me, when it came time for bed he gave me a kiss on the cheek and turned his back on me, which really hurt as it took a lot for me to sleep with him.. so i asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said if i wanted to, so i left.. the next day i was at my uncle's funeral and i received a txt from him saying that he was so sorry for last night.. i replied saying that he made it so obvious that he didn't want me there so i wasn't going to stay where i'm not wanted and i didn't know what i had done wrong.. and he replied saying that i had done nothing wrong but he didn't want to date anybody.. i couldn't believe it, for the last few months he was telling me how glad he was that we had got back in touch again and that his only regret was breaking up with me, and on Sunday before we met he txt saying that he couldn't wait to see me.. i can't figure him out.. i didn't reply to his txt when he said that he didn't want to date anyone.. should i have answered him? i know he's under pressure with his kids, work, money etc. but that's no excuse to treat me like that when i have done nothing wrong.. the only thing that i think happened is that my cousin's bf txt me joking about getting my bf to take me to bed for a good shag (it's a running joke between my cousin and me) don't know why her bf txt me, anyway when i came back from the bathroom i noticed the txt from my cousin's bf and my phone wasn't where i left it, it was upside down.. i know my bf didn't read the txt but he could see who it was from and a little of what was in the txt, i told him who sent the message and who he was and he seemed ok with that, well i thought he was.. i know his ex wife cheated on him and a girl he dated for a few yrs cheated also, but im not like that, i wouldn't do that on him i love him too much always have since we first dated 20yrs ago. plz victor help, what should i do, i don't want to give up but i don't want to run after someone who doesn't want me either.
i sent a txt to him by mistake yesterday it was meant for my cousin, i txt him to say i was sorry but it was meant for someone else and he replied 'don't be sorry. its ok.'
thanks victor, your a gent ;))
VictorM's advice:
Given the history, it seems pretty obvious that the text message that he saw -- and I would be shocked if he didn't take a look at it -- was enough to provoke the reaction you experienced from him. Something like that can trigger a change in mood, as quickly as a light switch turns off a light.
Your explanation of who sent the message made no difference because once the thoughts of all previous pain flooded his mind, he was no longer receptive to any new information. Basically, he was already disconnected from you and anything dealing with you.
What to do? Reply to his text messages. Seek to go out with him. Try to revive the interaction between you two. It's possible that he'll realize that the one text message triggered a reaction that had to do with his past and those other women, not with you and the future. These sort of triggers, whether they come from you or others, are likely to happen in the future. This one time you happened to be the one directly involved, but at other times, you may be indirectly involved.
If he gets over this incident quickly, then this was just a blip in the relationship and you two could recover nicely; however, if he stays stubborn about it, you may be wise to stay away because he's spoiled goods and is likely to make the life of any future female companion a living hell of suspicions and accusations.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Can guys get tired of you if you don't call them?
Submitted on Sunday, February 01, 2009
By: j
Age: 20
Location: s.a.
Question: can guys get tired of you if you don't call them ?? someone was always calling me and a few times i didn't answer the phone so he did not mind to call again, and we would meet when he called later. after one time of saying i couldnt go out with him, he said ok girl, now you can call me. so i did call him and we met.
after that he called me a few times and said what are you doing and i was busy or going out with my friends and i invited him to come with us and he didn't want to come and he'd say, ok girl ill call you tomorrow but he didn't call. now he doesn't call and i am the one who is calling him. he always answers when i call or calls back if he missed the call, but he is not calling me. but i will call and invite him to a party with my friends or something and hell say, sorry i already have plans tonight but ill call you if it ends early. then hell call later and say i'm so tired but we should do something soon and i say ok, but he does not call later and i have to call him later. this happened 3 times already. now i called him this weekend and he was busy with his friends and i said ok, boy, now you call me if you want and he said ok i will.
do you think he is moved on? or do you think he got tired of me never calling him and saying i was busy and now he wants me to do all the work?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he has moved on but it's clear to me that he wants to spend time with you, not with you and your friends.
PS. Where is s.a.? South Africa? South America? San Antonio? South Australia?
By: j
Age: 20
Location: s.a.
Question: can guys get tired of you if you don't call them ?? someone was always calling me and a few times i didn't answer the phone so he did not mind to call again, and we would meet when he called later. after one time of saying i couldnt go out with him, he said ok girl, now you can call me. so i did call him and we met.
after that he called me a few times and said what are you doing and i was busy or going out with my friends and i invited him to come with us and he didn't want to come and he'd say, ok girl ill call you tomorrow but he didn't call. now he doesn't call and i am the one who is calling him. he always answers when i call or calls back if he missed the call, but he is not calling me. but i will call and invite him to a party with my friends or something and hell say, sorry i already have plans tonight but ill call you if it ends early. then hell call later and say i'm so tired but we should do something soon and i say ok, but he does not call later and i have to call him later. this happened 3 times already. now i called him this weekend and he was busy with his friends and i said ok, boy, now you call me if you want and he said ok i will.
do you think he is moved on? or do you think he got tired of me never calling him and saying i was busy and now he wants me to do all the work?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he has moved on but it's clear to me that he wants to spend time with you, not with you and your friends.
PS. Where is s.a.? South Africa? South America? San Antonio? South Australia?
What is wrong with me?
Submitted on Sunday, February 01, 2009
By: CAMI
Age: 29
Location: COLORADO
Question: hi, i need some advice about what is wrong with me.
basically, i have never had a real boyfriend even though i'm almost 30 years old. i am cute, successful, and have a likable personality. i saw on your website that you say guys are intimidated by that sometimes, but i know that i am not intimidating or too pretty or something like that because i do get asked out once in a while.
so here is my problem. ever since i was very young, i am very rarely attracted to a guy but when i am, it's very strong. i will usually have a crush on someone i meet every couple of years, and it will last for a very long time and grow very strong over time.
if that person decides to ask me out or notices me, i will act weird with them of course because i like them so much (i will act very uninterested in them and unresponsive, so they don't know how much i like them, or weird in other ways) and you can imagine how that works out, or sometimes the person just doesn't like me that much i guess and it doesn't go anywhere.
either way, it doesn't work out. it will take me a while to get over them, and then another long time will pass (maybe a year) before i like anyone else that way again. and then by the time this whole thing has gone through, it has been a few years (years of me liking them, and then a long time of me getting over them)
of course, i have tried dating people who i don't have a crush on that ask me out, but i always wind up feeling fake and awful when i am with them and have to kiss them or they try to be romantic. even if i make them keep it platonic for a long time so that i can get to know them well. sometimes i have been friends with a person for years who i know likes me a lot and i hope the feelings will grow to a point where i can date them, but they never do and i wind up feeling turned off when i try to kiss them or even hold their hand or something because i know i don't like them like that.
basically, i feel like i'm going to wind up alone. i have tried going to different therapists but it doesn't help. the therapist just tells me to meet new people or to try to open up more.
what do you think is wrong with me or what do you suggest i could do? for a while i thought maybe i was gay, but i don't feel attracted to women and i do really like guys sometimes, almost to the point of an obsession.
my friends always tell me to stop being so picky and just go out with people and they say the feelings grow for someone over time, but i feel so disgusted when i have to be romantic or more-than-friends with someone who i am not attracted to, and you can't fake your feelings. i know that i am able to be attracted to people, because i really like people sometimes, and even fall in love with them, or an infatuation, or whatever you want to call it.
i get so depressed about this and i have asked my friends, family, everybody, but they can't help me.
so here are some questions i have...
what do you think is wrong with me?
also, what do you think i can do to be more attractive to men, especially the ones that i get a crush on, so i stop ruining things with them if they do ask me out?
also, how do i know if i'm sending out the wrong signals to them?
also, do you have any tips for meeting new people? i have tried online dating (disaster), and going to activities that i have an interest in, but i am never attracted to the people i meet there.
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all.
So you're a bit shy with guys you like a lot -- lots of people are. So you get passionate about a guy when you do like him -- more people should be like you. So you don't enjoy casual sex or affection with guys you don't feel close too -- most women feel as you do. So you still haven't come across a guy that has been a keeper -- it just means you aren't willing to linger on in a relationship that is destined to go nowhere or where the drama saps years from your life.
Look around you. Check with other females. How often do they tell you how miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled, in the relationships they currently are in? How many say they are fine but you know they are lying? Basically, you are jumping around hurdles that many other women get stuck on.
Don't let the conventional views of society about mating interfere with your excellent instincts. So far you have done a great job at purging guys from your life that have nothing to add to it.
The last thing you need to do is change. If anything, you need to continue to do more of what you have done: go out with guys (and break off with them when you feel it's going nowhere), continue to seek guys with common interests, continue to date online guys... with one twist. Stop thinking of dates that don't produce a mister right as disasters; think of them as great successes in eliminating undesirables. For every undesirable you get off your list, you get closer to mister right. Staying away from guys and reducing your dating will only decrease your odds of finding the right mate.
So you get a little impatient, a little frustrated. I understand, but that hardly means there's anything wrong with you. You're one of the lucky ones who hasn't gotten stuck on mister loser.
In a society that's breeding more males that seem unable to cope with modern women, and with modern women becoming more and more self-sufficient, your predicament is much more common than you think.
By: CAMI
Age: 29
Location: COLORADO
Question: hi, i need some advice about what is wrong with me.
basically, i have never had a real boyfriend even though i'm almost 30 years old. i am cute, successful, and have a likable personality. i saw on your website that you say guys are intimidated by that sometimes, but i know that i am not intimidating or too pretty or something like that because i do get asked out once in a while.
so here is my problem. ever since i was very young, i am very rarely attracted to a guy but when i am, it's very strong. i will usually have a crush on someone i meet every couple of years, and it will last for a very long time and grow very strong over time.
if that person decides to ask me out or notices me, i will act weird with them of course because i like them so much (i will act very uninterested in them and unresponsive, so they don't know how much i like them, or weird in other ways) and you can imagine how that works out, or sometimes the person just doesn't like me that much i guess and it doesn't go anywhere.
either way, it doesn't work out. it will take me a while to get over them, and then another long time will pass (maybe a year) before i like anyone else that way again. and then by the time this whole thing has gone through, it has been a few years (years of me liking them, and then a long time of me getting over them)
of course, i have tried dating people who i don't have a crush on that ask me out, but i always wind up feeling fake and awful when i am with them and have to kiss them or they try to be romantic. even if i make them keep it platonic for a long time so that i can get to know them well. sometimes i have been friends with a person for years who i know likes me a lot and i hope the feelings will grow to a point where i can date them, but they never do and i wind up feeling turned off when i try to kiss them or even hold their hand or something because i know i don't like them like that.
basically, i feel like i'm going to wind up alone. i have tried going to different therapists but it doesn't help. the therapist just tells me to meet new people or to try to open up more.
what do you think is wrong with me or what do you suggest i could do? for a while i thought maybe i was gay, but i don't feel attracted to women and i do really like guys sometimes, almost to the point of an obsession.
my friends always tell me to stop being so picky and just go out with people and they say the feelings grow for someone over time, but i feel so disgusted when i have to be romantic or more-than-friends with someone who i am not attracted to, and you can't fake your feelings. i know that i am able to be attracted to people, because i really like people sometimes, and even fall in love with them, or an infatuation, or whatever you want to call it.
i get so depressed about this and i have asked my friends, family, everybody, but they can't help me.
so here are some questions i have...
what do you think is wrong with me?
also, what do you think i can do to be more attractive to men, especially the ones that i get a crush on, so i stop ruining things with them if they do ask me out?
also, how do i know if i'm sending out the wrong signals to them?
also, do you have any tips for meeting new people? i have tried online dating (disaster), and going to activities that i have an interest in, but i am never attracted to the people i meet there.
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all.
So you're a bit shy with guys you like a lot -- lots of people are. So you get passionate about a guy when you do like him -- more people should be like you. So you don't enjoy casual sex or affection with guys you don't feel close too -- most women feel as you do. So you still haven't come across a guy that has been a keeper -- it just means you aren't willing to linger on in a relationship that is destined to go nowhere or where the drama saps years from your life.
Look around you. Check with other females. How often do they tell you how miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled, in the relationships they currently are in? How many say they are fine but you know they are lying? Basically, you are jumping around hurdles that many other women get stuck on.
Don't let the conventional views of society about mating interfere with your excellent instincts. So far you have done a great job at purging guys from your life that have nothing to add to it.
The last thing you need to do is change. If anything, you need to continue to do more of what you have done: go out with guys (and break off with them when you feel it's going nowhere), continue to seek guys with common interests, continue to date online guys... with one twist. Stop thinking of dates that don't produce a mister right as disasters; think of them as great successes in eliminating undesirables. For every undesirable you get off your list, you get closer to mister right. Staying away from guys and reducing your dating will only decrease your odds of finding the right mate.
So you get a little impatient, a little frustrated. I understand, but that hardly means there's anything wrong with you. You're one of the lucky ones who hasn't gotten stuck on mister loser.
In a society that's breeding more males that seem unable to cope with modern women, and with modern women becoming more and more self-sufficient, your predicament is much more common than you think.
Why is it always girls who need advice about guys?
Submitted on Sunday, February 01, 2009
By: Ema
Age: 26
Location: Blue Ash,Ohio
Question: Hi
First of all you have a wonderful forum. Thank you for that.
I would like to know why is it always girls who need advice about guys. In fact, everywhere you go it is about girls wanting to know about guys be it internet forums, books, etc. Don't have guys any questions about girls? Are we so easy to understand?
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
I would say that guys need as much advice as girls, they just don't ask. Why is that? Throughout the ages males have had jobs requiring mostly solitude and showing signs of strength were key to survival, such as cavemen hunting beasts, fisherman, miners, farmers, warriors, etc. Women, on the other hand, stayed closer to home and had to deal with the kids and each other, where listening and sharing were keys to survival.
Basically, we're a lot less needy. :-p
By: Ema
Age: 26
Location: Blue Ash,Ohio
Question: Hi
First of all you have a wonderful forum. Thank you for that.
I would like to know why is it always girls who need advice about guys. In fact, everywhere you go it is about girls wanting to know about guys be it internet forums, books, etc. Don't have guys any questions about girls? Are we so easy to understand?
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
I would say that guys need as much advice as girls, they just don't ask. Why is that? Throughout the ages males have had jobs requiring mostly solitude and showing signs of strength were key to survival, such as cavemen hunting beasts, fisherman, miners, farmers, warriors, etc. Women, on the other hand, stayed closer to home and had to deal with the kids and each other, where listening and sharing were keys to survival.
Basically, we're a lot less needy. :-p
Monday, February 02, 2009
I can read you like a book
Submitted on Sunday, February 01, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 23
Location: Kentucky
Question: Ok. So i just met this guy from the internet 3 days ago. The first night we started talking I was invited over to his house. He cooked me dinner and we sat and talked for hours. Everything was fine and we fell asleep and I left in the morning. The next day he came to a house party with me, which was last night in fact, everything was going really good. Every liked him and things were good! he brought me home, drank a little more and one thing led to another..yeah we did it...oopsi.. So he left this morning and he gave me a kiss and blah blah blah.. he's called me 3 times today and we've been texting throughout the day. So I said to him tonight lets play 20 questions, he said you can ask me 20 questions i don't need to know anything I can read you like a book. What is that supposed to mean?? is it a lost cause?? or should i see where this goes???? he won't tell me what he thinks he knows. I said to him well if i was a book and you read the back what would you read? he said Dean Koontz.. now he's trying to be funny. I'm not sure what to think..please help me and let me know what you think about this situation.
Thank you :D
VictorM's advice:
I'll tell you what I think: I think you read Cosmopolitan (or other such magazines) too much.
He simply doesn't have the patience to do the whole 20 questions thing. Does it mean anything? Nah, guys really find these kinds of things majorly annoying. He just wants to live life and see what comes. Really, most people lie anyway playing those dumb games.
Besides, the only question he was curious about, you already said yes to. oopsi.
By: Rachel
Age: 23
Location: Kentucky
Question: Ok. So i just met this guy from the internet 3 days ago. The first night we started talking I was invited over to his house. He cooked me dinner and we sat and talked for hours. Everything was fine and we fell asleep and I left in the morning. The next day he came to a house party with me, which was last night in fact, everything was going really good. Every liked him and things were good! he brought me home, drank a little more and one thing led to another..yeah we did it...oopsi.. So he left this morning and he gave me a kiss and blah blah blah.. he's called me 3 times today and we've been texting throughout the day. So I said to him tonight lets play 20 questions, he said you can ask me 20 questions i don't need to know anything I can read you like a book. What is that supposed to mean?? is it a lost cause?? or should i see where this goes???? he won't tell me what he thinks he knows. I said to him well if i was a book and you read the back what would you read? he said Dean Koontz.. now he's trying to be funny. I'm not sure what to think..please help me and let me know what you think about this situation.
Thank you :D
VictorM's advice:
I'll tell you what I think: I think you read Cosmopolitan (or other such magazines) too much.
He simply doesn't have the patience to do the whole 20 questions thing. Does it mean anything? Nah, guys really find these kinds of things majorly annoying. He just wants to live life and see what comes. Really, most people lie anyway playing those dumb games.
Besides, the only question he was curious about, you already said yes to. oopsi.
Before you know it we were sleeping together again
Submitted on Sunday, February 01, 2009
By: Madeline
Age: 20
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Question: About 2 months ago my boyfriend and i started becoming more distant from each other. I was just finishing school and didn't really have time to spend with him and he took it personally and stopped talking to me. About the same time my ex-boyfriend of 3 years started talking to me again. He had recently been dumped by the girl he left me for. I felt bad to see how hurt he was and being as angry with my boyfriend as i was we started to just tell each other everything about our significant others. Eventually we got to the subject of us and what went wrong (which i had never figured out until this point). He said he lost hope in our relationship when i started getting busy with school and work. And when he met his now ex, she could give him the time i couldn't. I know it sounds bad but i thought that maybe this was the opportunity to prove to him that he never should have left me in the first place. I started hanging out with him (this whole time i still hadn't said or heard anything from my boyfriend) and before you know it we were sleeping together again. All my feelings for him rushed back and when i told him i thought we should get back together. He told he still cared about me but after having such a hard time with his ex breaking up with him he wasn't ready for another relationship. I respected the decision but i still can't help but want to be with him. After i had got shut down by my ex, my current boyfriend apologized out of the blue for being a jerk. I should have told him about me cheating on him with my ex but i couldn't and just kept it a secret. Now I'm stuck between my ex boyfriend who i still love and a boyfriend who just really doesn't want to put in the effort. And to make it worse now my ex is running around talking about this new girl who he's been hanging out with. I can tell she likes him too and I'm afraid that I'm fighting an up hill battle that I'm never going to win.
VictorM's advice:
Your ex simply isn't into you anymore. You were just a nice soft cushion to ease the fall from the previous break-up. Him not wanting a relationship with you has nothing to do with being hurt; it has to do with him not being into you, which is probably the real reason he broke up with you in the first place.
Your current boyfriend just came back because he needs a nice soft cushion and voila, there you are.
You want to win? Stop fighting battles and seek a guy who really wants to be with you and misses you when you're busy, not walks away when it happens.
By: Madeline
Age: 20
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Question: About 2 months ago my boyfriend and i started becoming more distant from each other. I was just finishing school and didn't really have time to spend with him and he took it personally and stopped talking to me. About the same time my ex-boyfriend of 3 years started talking to me again. He had recently been dumped by the girl he left me for. I felt bad to see how hurt he was and being as angry with my boyfriend as i was we started to just tell each other everything about our significant others. Eventually we got to the subject of us and what went wrong (which i had never figured out until this point). He said he lost hope in our relationship when i started getting busy with school and work. And when he met his now ex, she could give him the time i couldn't. I know it sounds bad but i thought that maybe this was the opportunity to prove to him that he never should have left me in the first place. I started hanging out with him (this whole time i still hadn't said or heard anything from my boyfriend) and before you know it we were sleeping together again. All my feelings for him rushed back and when i told him i thought we should get back together. He told he still cared about me but after having such a hard time with his ex breaking up with him he wasn't ready for another relationship. I respected the decision but i still can't help but want to be with him. After i had got shut down by my ex, my current boyfriend apologized out of the blue for being a jerk. I should have told him about me cheating on him with my ex but i couldn't and just kept it a secret. Now I'm stuck between my ex boyfriend who i still love and a boyfriend who just really doesn't want to put in the effort. And to make it worse now my ex is running around talking about this new girl who he's been hanging out with. I can tell she likes him too and I'm afraid that I'm fighting an up hill battle that I'm never going to win.
VictorM's advice:
Your ex simply isn't into you anymore. You were just a nice soft cushion to ease the fall from the previous break-up. Him not wanting a relationship with you has nothing to do with being hurt; it has to do with him not being into you, which is probably the real reason he broke up with you in the first place.
Your current boyfriend just came back because he needs a nice soft cushion and voila, there you are.
You want to win? Stop fighting battles and seek a guy who really wants to be with you and misses you when you're busy, not walks away when it happens.
A question about crazy guy thinking
Submitted on Saturday, January 31, 2009
By: Jenn
Age: 27
Question: Hey, so i have a question that none of my friends can answer about crazy guy thinking... there is this guy that i used to work with for about two years. we worked in a very small office and spent many hours together everyday just by being in the office, which was only one big room with all our desks out together. anyway, i had a crush on him pretty much the entire time, but hid it extremely well. i never flirted with him and always talked to him pretty normally. so he did not know how i felt about him. the whole time we worked together, he had a girlfriend who didn't work with us but who came to the office a lot on slow days to say hi and hang out, so everyone knew her.
anyway, he would flirt with me a little but he flirted with every girl in the office so i did not pay attention. but then one time we were sitting and he was teasing me, and i pretended to get upset, and he said, you know you are special to me, jenn. so i dont know if he was just saying that.
anyway, i borrowed a dvd from him one time, and the entire office got closed for the holidays because the bosses were leaving. we got a week off. during that week, he called me and said, hey when am i getting my dvd back? and i said, oh i don't know, and he said well why dont you give it back to me and we'll go out to eat? so i said ok.
i wasn't sure if it was a date because he was dating this other girl still, but we went out to eat, and we paid for ourselves and we left. so i was like, ok very platonic. then after a while, i quit my job and got another one. i did not see him for six months or maybe longer. then one of my friends from that old job had a party and i came and he was there. we talked a little and caught up, and we flirted a little but not more than we had in the old days. i went home and i thought it was nice to see him, but i forgot all about it.
a few days later, i get a text from him asking if i want to go out. now, while we worked together, we were not really friends. i mean, we talked at work but we never did anything together outside of work except for going out to eat that one time. so i thought it was strange. i asked around and found out he was no longer with his girlfriend, so i said i would go. so we went out to the movies (he paid) and then went out to eat after (we split the check). it was very platonic, no flirting. he gave me a hug and left, and later that night, i got a text from him saying, Next time, let's go out in such and such neighborhood. i did not answer the text.
so what do you think is going on? does he want to be friends? why was it so platonic when we went out? he does not need new friends (he has plenty if you know what i'm saying) so why would he suddenly try to be friends with me? and if it was a date, why did he let me pay and not try to kiss me or anything like that? was it a signal i was sending out?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't just want to be friends. What he's doing is checking you out very slowly and without any level of responsibility in case he loses interest. He's seeing you as potential dating material, but in typical guy fashion, he prefers to do it without having a label around his neck.
Girls are the ones who can't wait to classify things neatly into labels. It amazes me that you'd even think that a lunch between coworkers to pick up a DVD would in any way be consider a date.
There is always a level of exploratory reasons for any time a guy associates with a girl he finds attractive, but guys develop romantic interest much slower than girls do. He's staying away from kisses and paying fully because he's just exploring possibilities. He's just looking to have an exit strategy ready in case you turn out to be a freak.
By: Jenn
Age: 27
Question: Hey, so i have a question that none of my friends can answer about crazy guy thinking... there is this guy that i used to work with for about two years. we worked in a very small office and spent many hours together everyday just by being in the office, which was only one big room with all our desks out together. anyway, i had a crush on him pretty much the entire time, but hid it extremely well. i never flirted with him and always talked to him pretty normally. so he did not know how i felt about him. the whole time we worked together, he had a girlfriend who didn't work with us but who came to the office a lot on slow days to say hi and hang out, so everyone knew her.
anyway, he would flirt with me a little but he flirted with every girl in the office so i did not pay attention. but then one time we were sitting and he was teasing me, and i pretended to get upset, and he said, you know you are special to me, jenn. so i dont know if he was just saying that.
anyway, i borrowed a dvd from him one time, and the entire office got closed for the holidays because the bosses were leaving. we got a week off. during that week, he called me and said, hey when am i getting my dvd back? and i said, oh i don't know, and he said well why dont you give it back to me and we'll go out to eat? so i said ok.
i wasn't sure if it was a date because he was dating this other girl still, but we went out to eat, and we paid for ourselves and we left. so i was like, ok very platonic. then after a while, i quit my job and got another one. i did not see him for six months or maybe longer. then one of my friends from that old job had a party and i came and he was there. we talked a little and caught up, and we flirted a little but not more than we had in the old days. i went home and i thought it was nice to see him, but i forgot all about it.
a few days later, i get a text from him asking if i want to go out. now, while we worked together, we were not really friends. i mean, we talked at work but we never did anything together outside of work except for going out to eat that one time. so i thought it was strange. i asked around and found out he was no longer with his girlfriend, so i said i would go. so we went out to the movies (he paid) and then went out to eat after (we split the check). it was very platonic, no flirting. he gave me a hug and left, and later that night, i got a text from him saying, Next time, let's go out in such and such neighborhood. i did not answer the text.
so what do you think is going on? does he want to be friends? why was it so platonic when we went out? he does not need new friends (he has plenty if you know what i'm saying) so why would he suddenly try to be friends with me? and if it was a date, why did he let me pay and not try to kiss me or anything like that? was it a signal i was sending out?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't just want to be friends. What he's doing is checking you out very slowly and without any level of responsibility in case he loses interest. He's seeing you as potential dating material, but in typical guy fashion, he prefers to do it without having a label around his neck.
Girls are the ones who can't wait to classify things neatly into labels. It amazes me that you'd even think that a lunch between coworkers to pick up a DVD would in any way be consider a date.
There is always a level of exploratory reasons for any time a guy associates with a girl he finds attractive, but guys develop romantic interest much slower than girls do. He's staying away from kisses and paying fully because he's just exploring possibilities. He's just looking to have an exit strategy ready in case you turn out to be a freak.
My relationship has gone sour with my husband
Submitted on Saturday, January 31, 2009
By: Mary
Age: 40
Location: Toronto
Question: I've been married faithfully for over 15 years and have 2 children. In the last 5 years, my relationship has gone sour with my husband and I'm almost sure that he's had an affair or a few affairs in the past. To say the least, our marriage is a broken one and I think we've held on for the kids.
I've recently met someone new at work and I've been having all these "thoughts" about him to say the least. He is also married and I have no clue what he thinks of me but I feel a really strong connection with him. It's starting to consume me especially because I can't share this with anyone and am afraid to come clean with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
The last thing you want to do is be part of turning this coworker into what you think your husband is -- a cheater. So you really don't want to come clean with him. If you did, not only do you risk losing your job, you risk ruining 2 families.
Having these thoughts is very normal. But while you have them, you should spend your energies on getting divorced and freeing yourself to possibly experience a more loving relationship. If there are reasons that's not possible, or you simply aren't ready for that yet, you're basically left at the mercy of your willpower.
If you can't control your willpower, then consider yourself no better than your husband, because I'm sure that pretty much explains his reasons for cheating. Maybe putting yourself in his shoes might give you a glimpse into your own life and understand that maybe he sought something with someone that he's not getting at home, much the same way you see in this coworker what you lack at home.
I want to make it perfectly clear that you should in no way feel responsible for your husband cheating -- the responsibility always rests with the cheater. I'm just saying the same thing applies to you if you decide to cheat.
By: Mary
Age: 40
Location: Toronto
Question: I've been married faithfully for over 15 years and have 2 children. In the last 5 years, my relationship has gone sour with my husband and I'm almost sure that he's had an affair or a few affairs in the past. To say the least, our marriage is a broken one and I think we've held on for the kids.
I've recently met someone new at work and I've been having all these "thoughts" about him to say the least. He is also married and I have no clue what he thinks of me but I feel a really strong connection with him. It's starting to consume me especially because I can't share this with anyone and am afraid to come clean with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
The last thing you want to do is be part of turning this coworker into what you think your husband is -- a cheater. So you really don't want to come clean with him. If you did, not only do you risk losing your job, you risk ruining 2 families.
Having these thoughts is very normal. But while you have them, you should spend your energies on getting divorced and freeing yourself to possibly experience a more loving relationship. If there are reasons that's not possible, or you simply aren't ready for that yet, you're basically left at the mercy of your willpower.
If you can't control your willpower, then consider yourself no better than your husband, because I'm sure that pretty much explains his reasons for cheating. Maybe putting yourself in his shoes might give you a glimpse into your own life and understand that maybe he sought something with someone that he's not getting at home, much the same way you see in this coworker what you lack at home.
I want to make it perfectly clear that you should in no way feel responsible for your husband cheating -- the responsibility always rests with the cheater. I'm just saying the same thing applies to you if you decide to cheat.
When he over drinks he says inappropriate sexually comments
Submitted on Friday, January 30, 2009
By: Rachel
Age: 30
Location: Tulsa, OK
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating about 11 months. He broke up with me about a month ago and the weekend we spent apart he spent with this bartender. He is very flirtatious and when he over drinks he says inappropriate sexually comments that he says are to only be funny. I have told him that it hurts my feelings and doesn't meet my needs. Anyways, we go to this bar and she works there. The weekend he broke up with me he spent with her. Then he calls me Tuesday wanting to talk etc. I go over and talk to him about things. Throughout our relationship he has always told me he doesn't know what he wants. But he continues the relationship. I told we exclusive date or your letting me go. We agree to continue exclusively date, spend less time with each other and give him time to figure things out for himself. We agreed that weekend time was included in spending time with each other. I received an invite prior to the breakup to go out of town this weekend. When the time came for the out of town trip (this weekend), he told me he didn't want me to go because he wanted a drama free weekend. Things have been like a roller coaster and I get that but in the same sentence he has said that we should always want to be around each other. I said you basically don't want me around just like the past two weekends. He is going to see his sister and friends. His behavior when he drinks usually becomes inappropriate and the friends that he will be around are about the same. It seems he likes being wing man and uses it as an excuse. It seems this has been a limbo relationship which I have been understating and patient with. He has things in his life that he hasn't dealt with but is seeking therapy. My question is what is the reality of my boyfriend and my situation? He says he loves me but I wonder if he likes the idea of me more then being in love with me.
VictorM's advice:
They say that if you want to really know a person's true personality, get them drunk. Alcohol removes inhibitions and social constraints. Alcohol doesn't make him flirt or say sexually inappropriate things -- it just frees him to be his real self. So basically, you're dealing with a man who has low respect for females.
That low respect manifests itself in less obvious ways, but how he manipulates circumstances to spent time with the bartender or visit family without you is another indication of that.
If you stay in this roller coaster relationship, it's your choice, but don't blame alcohol for the problems -- blame yourself for enabling his disrespectful attitude when it comes to you.
And it doesn't matter what he says -- words are easy and cheap, and frankly, in this case, mostly manipulation. The idea of spending less time with each other and trying to figure things out is pure and utter bullshit -- he simply is not into you. You're a habit, not a lover.
By: Rachel
Age: 30
Location: Tulsa, OK
Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating about 11 months. He broke up with me about a month ago and the weekend we spent apart he spent with this bartender. He is very flirtatious and when he over drinks he says inappropriate sexually comments that he says are to only be funny. I have told him that it hurts my feelings and doesn't meet my needs. Anyways, we go to this bar and she works there. The weekend he broke up with me he spent with her. Then he calls me Tuesday wanting to talk etc. I go over and talk to him about things. Throughout our relationship he has always told me he doesn't know what he wants. But he continues the relationship. I told we exclusive date or your letting me go. We agree to continue exclusively date, spend less time with each other and give him time to figure things out for himself. We agreed that weekend time was included in spending time with each other. I received an invite prior to the breakup to go out of town this weekend. When the time came for the out of town trip (this weekend), he told me he didn't want me to go because he wanted a drama free weekend. Things have been like a roller coaster and I get that but in the same sentence he has said that we should always want to be around each other. I said you basically don't want me around just like the past two weekends. He is going to see his sister and friends. His behavior when he drinks usually becomes inappropriate and the friends that he will be around are about the same. It seems he likes being wing man and uses it as an excuse. It seems this has been a limbo relationship which I have been understating and patient with. He has things in his life that he hasn't dealt with but is seeking therapy. My question is what is the reality of my boyfriend and my situation? He says he loves me but I wonder if he likes the idea of me more then being in love with me.
VictorM's advice:
They say that if you want to really know a person's true personality, get them drunk. Alcohol removes inhibitions and social constraints. Alcohol doesn't make him flirt or say sexually inappropriate things -- it just frees him to be his real self. So basically, you're dealing with a man who has low respect for females.
That low respect manifests itself in less obvious ways, but how he manipulates circumstances to spent time with the bartender or visit family without you is another indication of that.
If you stay in this roller coaster relationship, it's your choice, but don't blame alcohol for the problems -- blame yourself for enabling his disrespectful attitude when it comes to you.
And it doesn't matter what he says -- words are easy and cheap, and frankly, in this case, mostly manipulation. The idea of spending less time with each other and trying to figure things out is pure and utter bullshit -- he simply is not into you. You're a habit, not a lover.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
My boyfriend never compliments me
Submitted on Thursday, January 29, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 24
Location: Louisiana
Question: Should I be concerned that my boyfriend never compliments me? I can't remember the last time he told me I look nice or I was beautiful, but he is always commenting on how hot celebrities and past girls he has dated are. Should I be upset by this or am I over analyzing?
VictorM's advice:
You should be neither concerned not over analyzing it; you should be training him.
Guys are practical. Sometimes, too practical. I bet if you ask him, he'll tell you "of course you're beautiful. How would I be with you if I didn't think so?" Or, he'll say something like, "You know you're beautiful until I tell you otherwise." Or some other stuff like that. Some guys simply don't understand the female mind and the need to hear compliments. So... as I said, you have to train him to do something that you like, because not only does he not understand your mind, he can't read it either.
So, how do you train him? You're going to need patience and you can't yell or tell him off. Period.
1. Be the change you expect from him. That is, start complimenting him, if you don't already do. But I don't mean the silly compliments that do nothing for a guy's ego, like, you're such a nice guy, you're a sweetie... none of that crap. Simple, sincere compliments about physical stuff. Like, if he wears a new shirt and it looks nice, say it: "New shirt? You look hot in it." Simple compliments about his clothing, his hair, his new cologne, his body, etc. That's what pumps a guy's ego.
2. Get him slowly in the mode of recognizing that you like it when he compliments you. For example, if you put on some sexy piece of clothing, don't expect him to say anything (we know how that's gonna go), and don't ask him a question that makes him think ("Does does blouse look sexy on me?" -- yes, that's too much thinking for a guy) because depending on his mood, you may not hear what you want to hear. Instead, say: "I think this blouse looks sexy on me. Don't you agree?" (Sure, sounds conceited, but you're doing it for a good cause). If he says "no," dump the idiot. But I bet anything that he'll say "yes." It won't matter if you think he's just saying it to get you off his back, the point is for you to make a big deal about his "yes." Hug him and tell him it makes you feel so good when he compliments you. Make sure you reward him with something that he really likes (a blowjob, his favorite meals, tickets to a sporting event, etc.) and make sure he's getting it because he "made me feel so good when you paid me a compliment."
Don't despair, though, when it doesn't work right away. You may have to try this maneuver several times, before he smarts salivating at the thought of complimenting you because he's going to get a treat.
Just keep emphasizing how good it makes you feel when he does that (pay you a compliment) because truthfully most guys really do want to please their partner, it's just that so often we're clueless about what you want/like.
By: Sarah
Age: 24
Location: Louisiana
Question: Should I be concerned that my boyfriend never compliments me? I can't remember the last time he told me I look nice or I was beautiful, but he is always commenting on how hot celebrities and past girls he has dated are. Should I be upset by this or am I over analyzing?
VictorM's advice:
You should be neither concerned not over analyzing it; you should be training him.
Guys are practical. Sometimes, too practical. I bet if you ask him, he'll tell you "of course you're beautiful. How would I be with you if I didn't think so?" Or, he'll say something like, "You know you're beautiful until I tell you otherwise." Or some other stuff like that. Some guys simply don't understand the female mind and the need to hear compliments. So... as I said, you have to train him to do something that you like, because not only does he not understand your mind, he can't read it either.
So, how do you train him? You're going to need patience and you can't yell or tell him off. Period.
1. Be the change you expect from him. That is, start complimenting him, if you don't already do. But I don't mean the silly compliments that do nothing for a guy's ego, like, you're such a nice guy, you're a sweetie... none of that crap. Simple, sincere compliments about physical stuff. Like, if he wears a new shirt and it looks nice, say it: "New shirt? You look hot in it." Simple compliments about his clothing, his hair, his new cologne, his body, etc. That's what pumps a guy's ego.
2. Get him slowly in the mode of recognizing that you like it when he compliments you. For example, if you put on some sexy piece of clothing, don't expect him to say anything (we know how that's gonna go), and don't ask him a question that makes him think ("Does does blouse look sexy on me?" -- yes, that's too much thinking for a guy) because depending on his mood, you may not hear what you want to hear. Instead, say: "I think this blouse looks sexy on me. Don't you agree?" (Sure, sounds conceited, but you're doing it for a good cause). If he says "no," dump the idiot. But I bet anything that he'll say "yes." It won't matter if you think he's just saying it to get you off his back, the point is for you to make a big deal about his "yes." Hug him and tell him it makes you feel so good when he compliments you. Make sure you reward him with something that he really likes (a blowjob, his favorite meals, tickets to a sporting event, etc.) and make sure he's getting it because he "made me feel so good when you paid me a compliment."
Don't despair, though, when it doesn't work right away. You may have to try this maneuver several times, before he smarts salivating at the thought of complimenting you because he's going to get a treat.
Just keep emphasizing how good it makes you feel when he does that (pay you a compliment) because truthfully most guys really do want to please their partner, it's just that so often we're clueless about what you want/like.
He never specifically made plans!
Submitted on Thursday, January 29, 2009
By: victoria
Age: 22
Location: philly
Question: So I have a question about something that happened a while ago, but which I would like to learn a lesson from.
I met this guy through a friend who immediately made it clear that he liked me. He asked my friend if I liked him (and she asked me and I said I didn't know because I didn't really know him yet). Every time he was around me he would give me compliments. We would hang out in a group a lot and when we would walk by some restaurant or something, he would say, Oh we should go there on a DATE and he would emphasize that it would be I date. I would reply, ok sounds good. But he never specifically made plans! This went on for a few months. Then my other guy friend told me the two of them went out and he was telling my friend how much he liked me the entire time they were out. But he never actually asked me out for a time and a place so we never went.
I was also a little mean to him, but in a joking way, more like teasing.
Anyway, one time, we went out in a group (this was after months of this) and while we are all sitting in a group at the bar, he sees a group of girls next to us and just gets up and ditches us (keep in mind, all our mutual friends are there too) and just starts talking to one of the girls. Then later he comes back and tells us he is going on a date with her, etc. etc. After that, he pretty much stopped flirting with me and even hooked up with my friend.
So, this happened a long time ago and I don't want to get him back or anything like that, but I do want to learn from my mistakes if I made any, so that I don't repeat them in the future. What do you think went wrong? Or do you think he was just full of it the whole time?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you made any mistakes and I don't believe he was full of it.
He developed a crush on you, enough to pay you compliments and even imagine going on dates with you, but not enough to actually make make the dates happen. And then, as crushes are bound to go after a while, it fizzed out. So he moved on to other crushes.
For next time, I would advise you to joke by being nice. Being mean, even when paying around, runs the risk of coming across the wrong way.
By: victoria
Age: 22
Location: philly
Question: So I have a question about something that happened a while ago, but which I would like to learn a lesson from.
I met this guy through a friend who immediately made it clear that he liked me. He asked my friend if I liked him (and she asked me and I said I didn't know because I didn't really know him yet). Every time he was around me he would give me compliments. We would hang out in a group a lot and when we would walk by some restaurant or something, he would say, Oh we should go there on a DATE and he would emphasize that it would be I date. I would reply, ok sounds good. But he never specifically made plans! This went on for a few months. Then my other guy friend told me the two of them went out and he was telling my friend how much he liked me the entire time they were out. But he never actually asked me out for a time and a place so we never went.
I was also a little mean to him, but in a joking way, more like teasing.
Anyway, one time, we went out in a group (this was after months of this) and while we are all sitting in a group at the bar, he sees a group of girls next to us and just gets up and ditches us (keep in mind, all our mutual friends are there too) and just starts talking to one of the girls. Then later he comes back and tells us he is going on a date with her, etc. etc. After that, he pretty much stopped flirting with me and even hooked up with my friend.
So, this happened a long time ago and I don't want to get him back or anything like that, but I do want to learn from my mistakes if I made any, so that I don't repeat them in the future. What do you think went wrong? Or do you think he was just full of it the whole time?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you made any mistakes and I don't believe he was full of it.
He developed a crush on you, enough to pay you compliments and even imagine going on dates with you, but not enough to actually make make the dates happen. And then, as crushes are bound to go after a while, it fizzed out. So he moved on to other crushes.
For next time, I would advise you to joke by being nice. Being mean, even when paying around, runs the risk of coming across the wrong way.
