Friday, January 30, 2009
Confidential to Jessica, 23, from US, part 2
One minute if girl time is one hour in guy time. So, say a guy responds to your text message in three hours, it really was just three minutes to him. And three minutes is less than the length of a football game, or the amount of time a visit to the bathroom takes after a succulent meal. I'd say that responding in three hours is really express service.
Guys don't see the telephone as part of their anatomy, as girls seem to do. To us, a phone is a tool. Like a screwdriver or a hammer, it's to be used when there is a purpose. Using the phone to say "Hi, how are you?" is like using a screwdriver to clean your ears -- that's not its function. The phone (and text messages) should be used for something that requires and action. "Want to meet at Gino's for a steak sandwich with beer, followed by a blowjob?" Now, that will get you an answer in seconds.
You can ask him if he wants to do something this weekend, but keep in mind that he may have made plans already. If he can't make it, don't stay awake all night crying over it.
And you're not bothering. I'm glad to be of help.
Guys don't see the telephone as part of their anatomy, as girls seem to do. To us, a phone is a tool. Like a screwdriver or a hammer, it's to be used when there is a purpose. Using the phone to say "Hi, how are you?" is like using a screwdriver to clean your ears -- that's not its function. The phone (and text messages) should be used for something that requires and action. "Want to meet at Gino's for a steak sandwich with beer, followed by a blowjob?" Now, that will get you an answer in seconds.
You can ask him if he wants to do something this weekend, but keep in mind that he may have made plans already. If he can't make it, don't stay awake all night crying over it.
And you're not bothering. I'm glad to be of help.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Is it possible to be friends with your exes?
Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: Buffalo
Question: is it possible to be friends with a guy you have been involved with? Do guys want this? They offer it and seem to pursue it sometimes, but I'm not sure if I should just hide out and avoid communication to make both our lives easier and spare us having touchy subjects come up.
VictorM's advice:
Is it possible? Sure. Is it desirable? I say no.
I'm not saying you can't be friendly and civil. In fact, it would be nice if you can. But unless both parties leave the relationship is mutual agreement and mutual respect and detachment, the risk for much drama and complications outweigh any benefit you might get. Not only the "touchy subjects" but once either of you find a mate, jealousy from either one of you or from the mate is almost assured. And as I say often, exes are evil. You have too much power over the other one and it's too easy to be tempted to mess with their feelings. The best course of action is to close that chapter of your life and find new friends.
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: Buffalo
Question: is it possible to be friends with a guy you have been involved with? Do guys want this? They offer it and seem to pursue it sometimes, but I'm not sure if I should just hide out and avoid communication to make both our lives easier and spare us having touchy subjects come up.
VictorM's advice:
Is it possible? Sure. Is it desirable? I say no.
I'm not saying you can't be friendly and civil. In fact, it would be nice if you can. But unless both parties leave the relationship is mutual agreement and mutual respect and detachment, the risk for much drama and complications outweigh any benefit you might get. Not only the "touchy subjects" but once either of you find a mate, jealousy from either one of you or from the mate is almost assured. And as I say often, exes are evil. You have too much power over the other one and it's too easy to be tempted to mess with their feelings. The best course of action is to close that chapter of your life and find new friends.
I'm such a bad influence on you
Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 20
Location: VA
Question: I had a couple guys tell me at some point, "I'm such a bad influence on you." Do guys like it when they are a bad influence... or how should i take this comment?
VictorM's advice:
I think the comment signals that they think you're innocent and maybe naive. A "miss goody-two-shoes girl next door" type.
And yes, guys like that. They like to think of themselves as "bad asses" and they prefer the company of nice girls.
By: Kelly
Age: 20
Location: VA
Question: I had a couple guys tell me at some point, "I'm such a bad influence on you." Do guys like it when they are a bad influence... or how should i take this comment?
VictorM's advice:
I think the comment signals that they think you're innocent and maybe naive. A "miss goody-two-shoes girl next door" type.
And yes, guys like that. They like to think of themselves as "bad asses" and they prefer the company of nice girls.
He is pretty much the opposite of my type
Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: K
Age: 15
Question: hey victorm, have talked to you in a while. how ya doing?
ok, so there’s this guy who i’ve become good friends with in the past month. he is pretty much the opposite of my type, both in appearance and personality. i go for quieter, sort of mysterious indie-rock guys with dark complexions, while my friend is a male version of myself: rambunctious, loud, blonde and athletic. but somehow, anyways, i have (sort of) fallen for him. neither of us really seem to be in the place for a relationship at the moment (i just confessed my feelings to another guy, who gently turned me down but broke my heart nevertheless, and my guy friend’s gf of 6 months broke up with him in december, and he is heartbroken as well). we text on a daily basis, non stop, and at school whenever he see’s me he shouts my name loudly, even when we are both surrounded by our friends. when we had class together during first semester he flirted with my shamelessly, stealing my seat so that i had to sit in his lap. he has nicknames for me that only he uses. when i talk to him, i feel amazing, like i can tell him anything. its insane how much we have in common. i know i’m not his regular type…but how much of a chance is there that he likes me? and how much of a chance is there that we could be together?
VictorM's advice:
Hi K. Welcome back. I'm doing fine, thanks.
Well, I think there's a good chance that he likes you as much as you like him. Why do I say this? Because I think this notion of people liking certain types is mostly bogus, more so around your age when your personality and that of the guys you meet are still largely being developed.
What I think plays a much bigger role is how you feel about yourself around him and vice-versa. You already said you feel amazing, and I suspect he feels good about himself around you, otherwise he wouldn't seek you out as much as he does.
So, if you have children together, name your first male after me. :)
By: K
Age: 15
Question: hey victorm, have talked to you in a while. how ya doing?
ok, so there’s this guy who i’ve become good friends with in the past month. he is pretty much the opposite of my type, both in appearance and personality. i go for quieter, sort of mysterious indie-rock guys with dark complexions, while my friend is a male version of myself: rambunctious, loud, blonde and athletic. but somehow, anyways, i have (sort of) fallen for him. neither of us really seem to be in the place for a relationship at the moment (i just confessed my feelings to another guy, who gently turned me down but broke my heart nevertheless, and my guy friend’s gf of 6 months broke up with him in december, and he is heartbroken as well). we text on a daily basis, non stop, and at school whenever he see’s me he shouts my name loudly, even when we are both surrounded by our friends. when we had class together during first semester he flirted with my shamelessly, stealing my seat so that i had to sit in his lap. he has nicknames for me that only he uses. when i talk to him, i feel amazing, like i can tell him anything. its insane how much we have in common. i know i’m not his regular type…but how much of a chance is there that he likes me? and how much of a chance is there that we could be together?
VictorM's advice:
Hi K. Welcome back. I'm doing fine, thanks.
Well, I think there's a good chance that he likes you as much as you like him. Why do I say this? Because I think this notion of people liking certain types is mostly bogus, more so around your age when your personality and that of the guys you meet are still largely being developed.
What I think plays a much bigger role is how you feel about yourself around him and vice-versa. You already said you feel amazing, and I suspect he feels good about himself around you, otherwise he wouldn't seek you out as much as he does.
So, if you have children together, name your first male after me. :)
He was becoming really distant
Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: Tanya
Age: 23
Location: New York
Question: I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he was becoming really distant and almost avoiding the situation all together. When I did talk to him and express how I was feeling which was I liked him but things were rocky and I didn't know if we could start fresh and forgive and forget? He agreed with me and said he feels the same way. Then when I tried to talk to him the following day I ended things with him, and asked if he just wanted to say bye? he took it as just for that day and said yes because he already told me what he was doing and then and asked no for good and he said ya... that's fine with him.
My questions are:
1) Am I wasting my time, does he actually have feelings for me?
2) Is it possible to rekindle anything with him?
VictorM's advice:
It's not easy to let go, but it's over. When the way to deal with problems is distance and avoidance, the signs are clear that there is no interest.
Move on.
By: Tanya
Age: 23
Location: New York
Question: I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he was becoming really distant and almost avoiding the situation all together. When I did talk to him and express how I was feeling which was I liked him but things were rocky and I didn't know if we could start fresh and forgive and forget? He agreed with me and said he feels the same way. Then when I tried to talk to him the following day I ended things with him, and asked if he just wanted to say bye? he took it as just for that day and said yes because he already told me what he was doing and then and asked no for good and he said ya... that's fine with him.
My questions are:
1) Am I wasting my time, does he actually have feelings for me?
2) Is it possible to rekindle anything with him?
VictorM's advice:
It's not easy to let go, but it's over. When the way to deal with problems is distance and avoidance, the signs are clear that there is no interest.
Move on.
He called me every day--spoke for hours
Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: Aly
Age: 33
Location: New York City
Question: Hi! Ok, really need help on this one...I'm tired of reading about what men really mean when they say they're not ready for a serious relationship, and so on. Since all situations differ, I want to try this...
I met a guy about a month ago. We saw each other once, but communicated through calls/email/text, for a whole week before we went out on a "real date." We did, it was great! After that, he called me every day--spoke for hours. He would email me as soon as I'd email him. He'd send me Text messages just to tell me he couldn't wait to see me again, etc...We saw each other the next weekend. We spent the entire weekend together (we did not sleep together, because we agreed that we were both so into eachother we did not want to make it about sex and mess things up, by jumping into bed.)
He got sick that whole week afterward, but we kept in constant communication. He'd say such things as "baby, I can't wait to see you...this is going so well...I'm looking forward to all the things we'll do together," (blah, blah, blah.) I was so happy I could not believe my luck! The 3rd weekend, we met up with his friends. I met all his friends, he did not let go of me the whole time--just showered me with attention. That weekend we spent the whole time together (still no sex, although it was obvious we both really wanted to...but he had been sick all that week, so--once again--we put it on hold...) That next week, everything seemd to go on as smoothly. The 4th weekend, we also spent it together (still no sex by Sat. night, but we knew that was it; it was gonna happen!)
We were walking about the city that Saturday, and he stops and looks at me--while holding my hand--and says to me he loved to be with me because we laughed so much together. That whole day and evening was lovely, we got along just great.
That night, we were both beat (now he had gotten ME sick by then,) but we cuddled--a bit frustrated we were so hot for each other, but still not having sex...oy!--and fell asleep.
(This is coming to an end, so hang on...) That Sunday morning we woke up hungry and talkative. I made us b-fast and we ate and talked. Don't know how the conversation got us talking about old break-ups (probably the couple we heard yelling at each other through the walls)...This is where the poo hit the fan! I never badmouth my Xs, that's just not me, and I told him I was glad things siply did not work out w/my ex, because now I wouldn't have met him (such a great guy!)
He, in the other hand, got a bit worked up about how his ex and him broke up...he had told me a completely different story, but now he was telling me how he broke up with her becuase of her jealousy, and her own history w/an ex...I got the feeling that his heart had been broken, and somehow, after 8 months of breakup, he was not that over it... He got quiet. Pensive. We laid in bed talking some more...And then he drops the millenary bomb that, he was figuring out that the reason why we had not had sex was because HE might not be ready for that...He was not ready for a serious relationship!!!!
He said he loved being with me, that all the things he'd said in the last month to me, he had meant. That he was not rejecting me, and thought I was beautiful and "wanted" me very much. But that he just could not promise me commitment at this point because he was just not ready...He said he didn't think it was an issue "till that morning" and once the doubt "reared its head, it was impossible to ignore."
I told him I understood, but I was not going to sit around till he figured things out. I'd been through that with others, and ALWAYS ended up being the disposable one...I asked him to leave. After telling me to forgive him, and telling me I was so cool about everything, he left. I didn't even see him to the door. Just wished him luck, and a happy life.(As soon as he left I cried my eyes out.)
What I don't get is that this guy could not keep his eyes and hands off of me. Told me how beautiful, cute, smart, "well-rounded," and oh yes, "perfect" I was for him ALL THE TIME. He started calling me "Baby" 10 days into the "relationship." He told his family about me, his best friend...took me to his house to "meet his pets." Discussed a possible summer trip with me...whatever! Then he pulls the rug from under me like that! Why? I don't get it!!
Later that same Sunday, he emails me telling me he was so sorry about everything and wished he could figure things out, but he just didn't understand what was up with him, "and that I deserved better" (love that one)...Then he closes it by saying "Missing you terribly."
PLEASE tell me what you think that's all about??? This guy's 38 and never been married,by the way--he did spend 3 years with his ex; the longest relationship he's had...
Thanks for taking the time to read this, sorry it was so long!
~Aly
VictorM's advice:
Half way thought your second paragraph I pretty much knew how this was going to end. I get submissions describing situations like yours all the time. Permit me to start my answer to you with a joke I've used here before (with apologies to long time visitors):
Guy 1: I went to Joe's Garage. They had a pan with about a gallon of gasoline sitting on the floor. This stray dog walked in and started drinking it.
Guy 2: The what happened?
Guy 1: Well, after the dog drunk most of it, he started spinning and spinning and spinning around until he collapsed on the floor.
Guy 2: Was he dead?
Guy 1: Nah. He ran out of gas.
And that's what happened to your guy after a month -- he ran out of gas. The gas I'm talking about are chemicals released into his body during the early stages of infatuation. Popular culture refers to this stage as "blinded by love," or "wearing rose colored glasses."
During this period, you were perfect to him. Made him feel as good as a drug. Sometimes this state lasts days, weeks, even months, but eventually, it comes to a halt. And when it does, it's sudden and a massive let down.
Your situation might have been compounded by his previous experiences. It's possible that he was overly complimentary or attentive to you because an ex might have complained he didn't do enough of that with her, so he overcompensates with the next lover.
But a day comes when the chemicals dry out and you (or any other girl) can no longer match the person he imagined during the period he was "drugged."
There's nothing you can do about that. It's nothing you did or didn't do. The best that you can do is be aware next time that if a guy behaves that euphoric about you, it's most likely not going to have a happy ending. I know there is something gratifying about that kind of adulation, but really, it's not healthy. Slow, easy, and balanced is much better.
PS. I noticed you registered in the forum. If you wish to discuss this topic further, post there and we can talk further.
By: Aly
Age: 33
Location: New York City
Question: Hi! Ok, really need help on this one...I'm tired of reading about what men really mean when they say they're not ready for a serious relationship, and so on. Since all situations differ, I want to try this...
I met a guy about a month ago. We saw each other once, but communicated through calls/email/text, for a whole week before we went out on a "real date." We did, it was great! After that, he called me every day--spoke for hours. He would email me as soon as I'd email him. He'd send me Text messages just to tell me he couldn't wait to see me again, etc...We saw each other the next weekend. We spent the entire weekend together (we did not sleep together, because we agreed that we were both so into eachother we did not want to make it about sex and mess things up, by jumping into bed.)
He got sick that whole week afterward, but we kept in constant communication. He'd say such things as "baby, I can't wait to see you...this is going so well...I'm looking forward to all the things we'll do together," (blah, blah, blah.) I was so happy I could not believe my luck! The 3rd weekend, we met up with his friends. I met all his friends, he did not let go of me the whole time--just showered me with attention. That weekend we spent the whole time together (still no sex, although it was obvious we both really wanted to...but he had been sick all that week, so--once again--we put it on hold...) That next week, everything seemd to go on as smoothly. The 4th weekend, we also spent it together (still no sex by Sat. night, but we knew that was it; it was gonna happen!)
We were walking about the city that Saturday, and he stops and looks at me--while holding my hand--and says to me he loved to be with me because we laughed so much together. That whole day and evening was lovely, we got along just great.
That night, we were both beat (now he had gotten ME sick by then,) but we cuddled--a bit frustrated we were so hot for each other, but still not having sex...oy!--and fell asleep.
(This is coming to an end, so hang on...) That Sunday morning we woke up hungry and talkative. I made us b-fast and we ate and talked. Don't know how the conversation got us talking about old break-ups (probably the couple we heard yelling at each other through the walls)...This is where the poo hit the fan! I never badmouth my Xs, that's just not me, and I told him I was glad things siply did not work out w/my ex, because now I wouldn't have met him (such a great guy!)
He, in the other hand, got a bit worked up about how his ex and him broke up...he had told me a completely different story, but now he was telling me how he broke up with her becuase of her jealousy, and her own history w/an ex...I got the feeling that his heart had been broken, and somehow, after 8 months of breakup, he was not that over it... He got quiet. Pensive. We laid in bed talking some more...And then he drops the millenary bomb that, he was figuring out that the reason why we had not had sex was because HE might not be ready for that...He was not ready for a serious relationship!!!!
He said he loved being with me, that all the things he'd said in the last month to me, he had meant. That he was not rejecting me, and thought I was beautiful and "wanted" me very much. But that he just could not promise me commitment at this point because he was just not ready...He said he didn't think it was an issue "till that morning" and once the doubt "reared its head, it was impossible to ignore."
I told him I understood, but I was not going to sit around till he figured things out. I'd been through that with others, and ALWAYS ended up being the disposable one...I asked him to leave. After telling me to forgive him, and telling me I was so cool about everything, he left. I didn't even see him to the door. Just wished him luck, and a happy life.(As soon as he left I cried my eyes out.)
What I don't get is that this guy could not keep his eyes and hands off of me. Told me how beautiful, cute, smart, "well-rounded," and oh yes, "perfect" I was for him ALL THE TIME. He started calling me "Baby" 10 days into the "relationship." He told his family about me, his best friend...took me to his house to "meet his pets." Discussed a possible summer trip with me...whatever! Then he pulls the rug from under me like that! Why? I don't get it!!
Later that same Sunday, he emails me telling me he was so sorry about everything and wished he could figure things out, but he just didn't understand what was up with him, "and that I deserved better" (love that one)...Then he closes it by saying "Missing you terribly."
PLEASE tell me what you think that's all about??? This guy's 38 and never been married,by the way--he did spend 3 years with his ex; the longest relationship he's had...
Thanks for taking the time to read this, sorry it was so long!
~Aly
VictorM's advice:
Half way thought your second paragraph I pretty much knew how this was going to end. I get submissions describing situations like yours all the time. Permit me to start my answer to you with a joke I've used here before (with apologies to long time visitors):
Guy 1: I went to Joe's Garage. They had a pan with about a gallon of gasoline sitting on the floor. This stray dog walked in and started drinking it.
Guy 2: The what happened?
Guy 1: Well, after the dog drunk most of it, he started spinning and spinning and spinning around until he collapsed on the floor.
Guy 2: Was he dead?
Guy 1: Nah. He ran out of gas.
And that's what happened to your guy after a month -- he ran out of gas. The gas I'm talking about are chemicals released into his body during the early stages of infatuation. Popular culture refers to this stage as "blinded by love," or "wearing rose colored glasses."
During this period, you were perfect to him. Made him feel as good as a drug. Sometimes this state lasts days, weeks, even months, but eventually, it comes to a halt. And when it does, it's sudden and a massive let down.
Your situation might have been compounded by his previous experiences. It's possible that he was overly complimentary or attentive to you because an ex might have complained he didn't do enough of that with her, so he overcompensates with the next lover.
But a day comes when the chemicals dry out and you (or any other girl) can no longer match the person he imagined during the period he was "drugged."
There's nothing you can do about that. It's nothing you did or didn't do. The best that you can do is be aware next time that if a guy behaves that euphoric about you, it's most likely not going to have a happy ending. I know there is something gratifying about that kind of adulation, but really, it's not healthy. Slow, easy, and balanced is much better.
PS. I noticed you registered in the forum. If you wish to discuss this topic further, post there and we can talk further.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I met X while on vacation
Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: Buffalo
Question: I met X while on vacation.He is significantly older than me. X's brother was there also.One night after partying and lots of drinks X's brother and I made out, Xbro wanted to go back to room but I declined.I had gone through rough summer with a guy I had been dating/didn't work out with and only reason i made out with Xbro was that I wanted attention from a man as I was feeling rejected, not because I liked him that much.In fact from day one of meeting X and Xbro I was far more attracted to X though he showed only moderate signs of interest in me.
So I came back from vacation having both their numbers (bc we all xchanged) and made it a point to avoid contact with Xbro though he tried to get in touch. X however kept contacting me via msn msgs and phone. This continued for 2 years with X being the initiator all the time and me being continuously surprised at why he was still msging me after all this time, esp since we hadn't physically seen each other in the country since the trip/had not many mutual friends.I was busy those two years with my new serious boyfriend.
Finally X invited me out to a party and I couldn't make it so I invited him to come out to a club next weekend. We made out that first night we saw each other and continued to see each other for a few months and eventually got intimate.
The problem is throughout my time knowing him I've known he had been in serious relationship which he had wanted to end in marriage for long time which he broke off due to problems. Said he wanted to be single/said he had commitment issues. He didn't lie to me or pretend otherwise to get me in bed yet I claimed to be able to handle the situation with the no strings and went with it (it was a combo of me genuinely liking him and being on a rebound after my serious bf had just broken up with me).
The entire 4 months we were "together" we both knew he refused to call it a relationship. I knew this, we had numerous talks about it where he swore it wasn't me it was him though he said he knew that was so cliche, and I convinced him and myself that I understood all this and could handle it because I wasn't so sure about being with him long term either. Though longer we were together I got more attached.
Finally we got in fight where i accused him of making excuses not to see me, this was prior to him going away on trip. After he came back from trip he called me right away and kept calling over next 10 months but he hasn't agreed to see me since. He says if we meet up we will have sex every time and even though he has said there is no commitment in a sense there would be a commitment bc he’s a nice guy and would feel obligated to do certain things for me/treat me a certain way if we were sleeping together.that and he’s very busy with his insane job and has no time to commit to anyone.
I feel horrible that I blew it with him by getting "needy" and i wonder if we ever really had a chance at relationship despite all things he told me, because our last fight before he stopped seeing me he said "did you ever think if you had let things be and not pushed we would have been just fine?" I can't get that one line out of my head all this time since.
He is a good friend to me and I am on verge of being in love with him, if he were to open up to me more emotionally and decide tomorrow he wanted a relationship with me I'd prob say yes despite the past.
We had huge fight the other day on msn and i accused him of not caring and thinking of me as just some girl he slept with. he said he has no intention of anything but to remain my friend and I should know by now where he stands. He refuses to meet up for just sex tho I have “jokingly” suggested it. Really I just want to see him and miss him.
So do I just forget about this guy? He suggested putting distance between us for now. Does he really just want friends or can i make him want me again if I play my cards right? Also, he says it doesn't bother him what happened between me and his brother on trip and that nothing much happened anyway so it shouldn't bother me either and he doesn't think less of me for it.
Is he lying to spare my feelings? Did this ruin my chances of him taking me seriously in the wife material category? not that i think he wants a wife or for it to be me esp now but is there a chance do you think given what he has said and done?
VictorM's advice:
There must be a defective chromosome of people who think they can make things better by starting huge fights with the people whose attention they crave. Really, does anyone think that's effective?
Anyway, it doesn't really matter in this case. You never had this guy. Never. You were a challenge. He liked you to some extent. But listen to me carefully: the moment a guy says he has "commitment issues" he's really saying: "I have commitment issues WITH YOU!"
Your fight before he went away was god sent. It allowed him to do what he wanted to do without guilt -- get away from you.
Move on. This guys has no romantic interest in you and never had it. He has no need or desire for your friendship. You're only wasting your time and energy on something that was never in the cards.
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: Buffalo
Question: I met X while on vacation.He is significantly older than me. X's brother was there also.One night after partying and lots of drinks X's brother and I made out, Xbro wanted to go back to room but I declined.I had gone through rough summer with a guy I had been dating/didn't work out with and only reason i made out with Xbro was that I wanted attention from a man as I was feeling rejected, not because I liked him that much.In fact from day one of meeting X and Xbro I was far more attracted to X though he showed only moderate signs of interest in me.
So I came back from vacation having both their numbers (bc we all xchanged) and made it a point to avoid contact with Xbro though he tried to get in touch. X however kept contacting me via msn msgs and phone. This continued for 2 years with X being the initiator all the time and me being continuously surprised at why he was still msging me after all this time, esp since we hadn't physically seen each other in the country since the trip/had not many mutual friends.I was busy those two years with my new serious boyfriend.
Finally X invited me out to a party and I couldn't make it so I invited him to come out to a club next weekend. We made out that first night we saw each other and continued to see each other for a few months and eventually got intimate.
The problem is throughout my time knowing him I've known he had been in serious relationship which he had wanted to end in marriage for long time which he broke off due to problems. Said he wanted to be single/said he had commitment issues. He didn't lie to me or pretend otherwise to get me in bed yet I claimed to be able to handle the situation with the no strings and went with it (it was a combo of me genuinely liking him and being on a rebound after my serious bf had just broken up with me).
The entire 4 months we were "together" we both knew he refused to call it a relationship. I knew this, we had numerous talks about it where he swore it wasn't me it was him though he said he knew that was so cliche, and I convinced him and myself that I understood all this and could handle it because I wasn't so sure about being with him long term either. Though longer we were together I got more attached.
Finally we got in fight where i accused him of making excuses not to see me, this was prior to him going away on trip. After he came back from trip he called me right away and kept calling over next 10 months but he hasn't agreed to see me since. He says if we meet up we will have sex every time and even though he has said there is no commitment in a sense there would be a commitment bc he’s a nice guy and would feel obligated to do certain things for me/treat me a certain way if we were sleeping together.that and he’s very busy with his insane job and has no time to commit to anyone.
I feel horrible that I blew it with him by getting "needy" and i wonder if we ever really had a chance at relationship despite all things he told me, because our last fight before he stopped seeing me he said "did you ever think if you had let things be and not pushed we would have been just fine?" I can't get that one line out of my head all this time since.
He is a good friend to me and I am on verge of being in love with him, if he were to open up to me more emotionally and decide tomorrow he wanted a relationship with me I'd prob say yes despite the past.
We had huge fight the other day on msn and i accused him of not caring and thinking of me as just some girl he slept with. he said he has no intention of anything but to remain my friend and I should know by now where he stands. He refuses to meet up for just sex tho I have “jokingly” suggested it. Really I just want to see him and miss him.
So do I just forget about this guy? He suggested putting distance between us for now. Does he really just want friends or can i make him want me again if I play my cards right? Also, he says it doesn't bother him what happened between me and his brother on trip and that nothing much happened anyway so it shouldn't bother me either and he doesn't think less of me for it.
Is he lying to spare my feelings? Did this ruin my chances of him taking me seriously in the wife material category? not that i think he wants a wife or for it to be me esp now but is there a chance do you think given what he has said and done?
VictorM's advice:
There must be a defective chromosome of people who think they can make things better by starting huge fights with the people whose attention they crave. Really, does anyone think that's effective?
Anyway, it doesn't really matter in this case. You never had this guy. Never. You were a challenge. He liked you to some extent. But listen to me carefully: the moment a guy says he has "commitment issues" he's really saying: "I have commitment issues WITH YOU!"
Your fight before he went away was god sent. It allowed him to do what he wanted to do without guilt -- get away from you.
Move on. This guys has no romantic interest in you and never had it. He has no need or desire for your friendship. You're only wasting your time and energy on something that was never in the cards.
I can cancel the flight
Submitted on Tuesday, January 27, 2009
By: Samantha
Age: 48
Location: DC
Question: I have seen this guy for 3 months and he went on leave for a month. While we were talking when he was on leave he asked when I was going to visit him again. I went ahead and made flight arrangements to see him 4 weeks after he returned. A week ago he asked me if the reason that I was coming was to see him--I said yes but might take advantage of the opportunity being there and see my Dad's significant other for a minute. Two days before leaving. I asked him to reaffirm the arrangement if he remembered that I was coming to see him. He said don't make coming to see me the reason for your trip. We went back and forth for a minute. I told him that I can cancel the flight. He said for me to call at the same time tomorrow. Should I cancel my flight and drop him?
VictorM's advice:
I would have canceled a minute after I heard this: "don't make coming to see me the reason for your trip."
By: Samantha
Age: 48
Location: DC
Question: I have seen this guy for 3 months and he went on leave for a month. While we were talking when he was on leave he asked when I was going to visit him again. I went ahead and made flight arrangements to see him 4 weeks after he returned. A week ago he asked me if the reason that I was coming was to see him--I said yes but might take advantage of the opportunity being there and see my Dad's significant other for a minute. Two days before leaving. I asked him to reaffirm the arrangement if he remembered that I was coming to see him. He said don't make coming to see me the reason for your trip. We went back and forth for a minute. I told him that I can cancel the flight. He said for me to call at the same time tomorrow. Should I cancel my flight and drop him?
VictorM's advice:
I would have canceled a minute after I heard this: "don't make coming to see me the reason for your trip."
He started holding my hand in front of his friends
Submitted on Tuesday, January 27, 2009
By: Melanie
Age: 20
Location: Kansas
Question: So there was a guy that I used to make out with at parties. He wasn't a one girl type of guy. A few months ago he told me he didn't want a girlfriend and when I'd spend the night he'd pressure me to do things I didn't want to (and wouldn't do) but still cuddle and kiss me on the forehead in the morning. We haven't seen each other in a few weeks and he's been talking to me every day. When we met up, he started holding my hand in front of his friends (he had never done that before) and putting his arm around me and surprised me with something (a tiny detail I didn't think he'd remember). I spent the night and he didn't pressure me to do anything I didn't want to. After doing morning errands we went back to his room and talked, and he kept holding my hand. He was never this caring before, especially not publicly. Does this show a change of mind?
VictorM's advice:
Such a big change after only a few months? Well, yes, it could very well mean that he changed his mind about you, but I'm more inclined to believe that it could just be a change in strategy.
Why do I say this? Because a party make-out girl isn't likely the one a guy is going to want to be serious about. On the other hand, you did resist his advances. So... you never know. I'd say: proceed with caution.
By: Melanie
Age: 20
Location: Kansas
Question: So there was a guy that I used to make out with at parties. He wasn't a one girl type of guy. A few months ago he told me he didn't want a girlfriend and when I'd spend the night he'd pressure me to do things I didn't want to (and wouldn't do) but still cuddle and kiss me on the forehead in the morning. We haven't seen each other in a few weeks and he's been talking to me every day. When we met up, he started holding my hand in front of his friends (he had never done that before) and putting his arm around me and surprised me with something (a tiny detail I didn't think he'd remember). I spent the night and he didn't pressure me to do anything I didn't want to. After doing morning errands we went back to his room and talked, and he kept holding my hand. He was never this caring before, especially not publicly. Does this show a change of mind?
VictorM's advice:
Such a big change after only a few months? Well, yes, it could very well mean that he changed his mind about you, but I'm more inclined to believe that it could just be a change in strategy.
Why do I say this? Because a party make-out girl isn't likely the one a guy is going to want to be serious about. On the other hand, you did resist his advances. So... you never know. I'd say: proceed with caution.
He has just been inviting me to go places with him
Submitted on Tuesday, January 27, 2009
By: Tasha
Age: 19
Location: CT
Question: Me and this one guy have been friends for over 4 months now. At the beginning of our friendship, we would also hang out with this other girl, but recently, he has just been inviting me to go places with him (to get coffee, something to eat, go clubbing/parties, etc.) He has a girlfriend, but he constantly tell me about how they are fighting, not talking, etc. Also, his facebook relationship relationship status is "it's complicated". He's also asked me if I've ever had a boyfriend before. By combining all these factors, is he trying to tell me that he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not saying that. He's not sure yet how he feels and so he continues to hang out with you, trying you on for size and maybe to see if you're worth dumping his girlfriend for.
I just hope that if you two become boyfriend and girlfriend you are open to him having female friends with him he goes to coffee, out to eat, clubbing, etc. :-p
By: Tasha
Age: 19
Location: CT
Question: Me and this one guy have been friends for over 4 months now. At the beginning of our friendship, we would also hang out with this other girl, but recently, he has just been inviting me to go places with him (to get coffee, something to eat, go clubbing/parties, etc.) He has a girlfriend, but he constantly tell me about how they are fighting, not talking, etc. Also, his facebook relationship relationship status is "it's complicated". He's also asked me if I've ever had a boyfriend before. By combining all these factors, is he trying to tell me that he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not saying that. He's not sure yet how he feels and so he continues to hang out with you, trying you on for size and maybe to see if you're worth dumping his girlfriend for.
I just hope that if you two become boyfriend and girlfriend you are open to him having female friends with him he goes to coffee, out to eat, clubbing, etc. :-p
Random hookups are a very common thing
Submitted on Tuesday, January 27, 2009
By: Erin
Age: 18
Location: Illinois
Question: Aight. So, I'm in college, and random hookups are a very common thing. Just when I thought I couldn't meet a good guy at a party who wasn't just looking for a hook up, I meet this amazing guy, Trevor. We are both in line to fill up at the keg, and he initiates a conversation my letting my in line next to him. We start some small talk, we introduce ourselves, then get deep into conversation, forgetting about filling our cups. In a nutshell, we spend the next couple hours just chatting. We find out we have sooo much in common, its kind of scary. When one of his buddies asks him to do shots, Trevor says "No, I actually want to remember this night", smiling at me. I dont really know what that meant. But then it starts getting late and we end up walking to a pizza place to grab food. We take it back to his dorm and just chill, listening to all these indie bands no one knows about but somehow we both knew about and loved. We eat our pizza and continue to just talk for a couple hours, then pop in a movie. After the movie ends, we just hug, he asks for my number, then we call it a night and I go back to my room. When I get back, we exchange flirty texts before dozing of to sleep. It was one of the best nights ever! I felt a real connection with him, and I felt he was feeling me too. But its been about a week, and we have only talked a few times; him saying "hey" to me in the hallway and having one long text convo. Nothing else has really come from it, and I'm wondering if that night meant anything? I mean, I'm glad we didn't hook-up. But what does it mean to "go home with a guy" but just talk? What happens next? I don't even know if I want to be more than friends with this guy, since I just met him, but I could definitely see us being friends. I just want to know what that night meant and what can come of it?
VictorM's advice:
As you said it yourself, random hookups are a common thing. So we have an environment where that happens a lot, with lots of parties, and lots of girls. You, in essence, were but one of those girls.
Guys are quite capable of having a really nice time in the now, without it having to become the future. You were a pleasant now. No seeds were planted. No promises were made. And you are one of many.
And he knows, as well as I know, that you accepting just being friends with this "amazing guy" is bullshit. You say it, you don't mean it, but not really.
As for what could come of it? Nothing. Or everything. If he didn't find you as amazing as you found him, he's going to take it slow. If he found you as amazing, he may go even slower. But don't expect just friendship with him -- guys aren't into that. At least not with a girl who's so attractive that he was willing to skip alcohol for.
By: Erin
Age: 18
Location: Illinois
Question: Aight. So, I'm in college, and random hookups are a very common thing. Just when I thought I couldn't meet a good guy at a party who wasn't just looking for a hook up, I meet this amazing guy, Trevor. We are both in line to fill up at the keg, and he initiates a conversation my letting my in line next to him. We start some small talk, we introduce ourselves, then get deep into conversation, forgetting about filling our cups. In a nutshell, we spend the next couple hours just chatting. We find out we have sooo much in common, its kind of scary. When one of his buddies asks him to do shots, Trevor says "No, I actually want to remember this night", smiling at me. I dont really know what that meant. But then it starts getting late and we end up walking to a pizza place to grab food. We take it back to his dorm and just chill, listening to all these indie bands no one knows about but somehow we both knew about and loved. We eat our pizza and continue to just talk for a couple hours, then pop in a movie. After the movie ends, we just hug, he asks for my number, then we call it a night and I go back to my room. When I get back, we exchange flirty texts before dozing of to sleep. It was one of the best nights ever! I felt a real connection with him, and I felt he was feeling me too. But its been about a week, and we have only talked a few times; him saying "hey" to me in the hallway and having one long text convo. Nothing else has really come from it, and I'm wondering if that night meant anything? I mean, I'm glad we didn't hook-up. But what does it mean to "go home with a guy" but just talk? What happens next? I don't even know if I want to be more than friends with this guy, since I just met him, but I could definitely see us being friends. I just want to know what that night meant and what can come of it?
VictorM's advice:
As you said it yourself, random hookups are a common thing. So we have an environment where that happens a lot, with lots of parties, and lots of girls. You, in essence, were but one of those girls.
Guys are quite capable of having a really nice time in the now, without it having to become the future. You were a pleasant now. No seeds were planted. No promises were made. And you are one of many.
And he knows, as well as I know, that you accepting just being friends with this "amazing guy" is bullshit. You say it, you don't mean it, but not really.
As for what could come of it? Nothing. Or everything. If he didn't find you as amazing as you found him, he's going to take it slow. If he found you as amazing, he may go even slower. But don't expect just friendship with him -- guys aren't into that. At least not with a girl who's so attractive that he was willing to skip alcohol for.
It was 1997 when I met my ex-boyfriend
Submitted on Tuesday, January 27, 2009
By: Tara
Age: 34
Location: Bangkok
Question: It was 1997 when I met my ex-boyfriend, he was in my country doing his thesis. It was a few months we were together, flirting and in love. He left to go home 10,000 km away, and we wrote long letters twice/ month for about 2 years, the same time we visit each others twice / year for a month holiday a time. It ended up broken when we could not be together, living together after all that we could not right possibility and it would be too hard to go on like that. I decided to break it, it was from my upset feeling, a rush of blood to the head. We met after that and on the phone call I was upset about feeling his wall as I always felt at that time so I said he better don't call me anymore. I moved on, went to work in Europe. Had no sign of him, 5 years later he went to a club in his country where a friend of mine had worked there and still worked there at that time, when we were together he did not like this club, he said it's snob :-) but he went there and salute my friend so he asked about me. She emailed me quickly, and I called him and spoke about what happened in our lives during those years. I wasn't upset anymore and of course I always thought of him and wonder from time to time. It's good to reconcile, it wasn't for getting back it was for respect and sincerity. I had new boyfriend at that time, he was going to China for working and staying a few years. some months later I broke up and returned home in Asia. We met in where we met the first time, we had a week holiday and were intimate. He left to Beijing and I back to work in Bangkok, he invited me to Beijing and spend a week there. He treated me lovely and show me his gorgeous place, what of course could not be done when he was a student(he could just take me out for fried-rice and a drink or so:-) So he was proud and I was proud of him. I always knew he will have a successful future. I left Beijing with tear. He was confuse, seemed like. He visited me again year after and we went down to Phuket and had survived Tsunami together! He said something like to farewell our relationship, and say that I will always be special to him and if need anything let him know. I did not asked I just understood, no drama but I was sad. I bless him a new year for whatever he wish to come true ( I mean it including our realtion and that was good bye because I must move on). Then we just write email(very little) he had a girlfriend in China. Twice he tried passing BKK and stop by saying hello even for just a few hrs, another time I missed his stopover. Then sep 2006 he visited me with the cousin and we went to the island. This time I had made up my mind and do careful not to return and that we are friends, nothing happend. I do care him a lot, respect and admire as well in every fields. He wrote me he was dating a girl at home for a few months, and he wasn't sure about his feeling for her because he feels that he and I belonged together!! I said to wait and see how he feels some more months. Now latest email he mentioned he is dating her for 8 months and they not live together and he cares her and they have of course feeling for each others, but he doesn't feel she is right and also he feel special connection with me and lastly wrote he knows he will always loves me.
This is touching me so much and he never said he loves me, and after all this time he is saying now. He asked:
Do you think it could ever again be us? Do you have such feelings still for me? and do you think practically it could ever work for us? or how is your love life going?
My love life, am not dating someone special, though I had a few dates not long term and they were bad experiences.
I am feeling the sweet and bitter.
Would like to hear your opinions
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration
Tara
VictorM's advice:
I'm not quite sure what you're asking of me, but I will say this: life is very short. Time does not stand still. Wasting it is a shame. You both have wasted precious time in the company of people you wind up not caring about. Why not try to spend your time in the company of someone you want to be with?
You almost never regret what you do; you almost always regret what you don't do. And regrets are the absolutely worst thing you can carry into your old age.
By: Tara
Age: 34
Location: Bangkok
Question: It was 1997 when I met my ex-boyfriend, he was in my country doing his thesis. It was a few months we were together, flirting and in love. He left to go home 10,000 km away, and we wrote long letters twice/ month for about 2 years, the same time we visit each others twice / year for a month holiday a time. It ended up broken when we could not be together, living together after all that we could not right possibility and it would be too hard to go on like that. I decided to break it, it was from my upset feeling, a rush of blood to the head. We met after that and on the phone call I was upset about feeling his wall as I always felt at that time so I said he better don't call me anymore. I moved on, went to work in Europe. Had no sign of him, 5 years later he went to a club in his country where a friend of mine had worked there and still worked there at that time, when we were together he did not like this club, he said it's snob :-) but he went there and salute my friend so he asked about me. She emailed me quickly, and I called him and spoke about what happened in our lives during those years. I wasn't upset anymore and of course I always thought of him and wonder from time to time. It's good to reconcile, it wasn't for getting back it was for respect and sincerity. I had new boyfriend at that time, he was going to China for working and staying a few years. some months later I broke up and returned home in Asia. We met in where we met the first time, we had a week holiday and were intimate. He left to Beijing and I back to work in Bangkok, he invited me to Beijing and spend a week there. He treated me lovely and show me his gorgeous place, what of course could not be done when he was a student(he could just take me out for fried-rice and a drink or so:-) So he was proud and I was proud of him. I always knew he will have a successful future. I left Beijing with tear. He was confuse, seemed like. He visited me again year after and we went down to Phuket and had survived Tsunami together! He said something like to farewell our relationship, and say that I will always be special to him and if need anything let him know. I did not asked I just understood, no drama but I was sad. I bless him a new year for whatever he wish to come true ( I mean it including our realtion and that was good bye because I must move on). Then we just write email(very little) he had a girlfriend in China. Twice he tried passing BKK and stop by saying hello even for just a few hrs, another time I missed his stopover. Then sep 2006 he visited me with the cousin and we went to the island. This time I had made up my mind and do careful not to return and that we are friends, nothing happend. I do care him a lot, respect and admire as well in every fields. He wrote me he was dating a girl at home for a few months, and he wasn't sure about his feeling for her because he feels that he and I belonged together!! I said to wait and see how he feels some more months. Now latest email he mentioned he is dating her for 8 months and they not live together and he cares her and they have of course feeling for each others, but he doesn't feel she is right and also he feel special connection with me and lastly wrote he knows he will always loves me.
This is touching me so much and he never said he loves me, and after all this time he is saying now. He asked:
Do you think it could ever again be us? Do you have such feelings still for me? and do you think practically it could ever work for us? or how is your love life going?
My love life, am not dating someone special, though I had a few dates not long term and they were bad experiences.
I am feeling the sweet and bitter.
Would like to hear your opinions
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration
Tara
VictorM's advice:
I'm not quite sure what you're asking of me, but I will say this: life is very short. Time does not stand still. Wasting it is a shame. You both have wasted precious time in the company of people you wind up not caring about. Why not try to spend your time in the company of someone you want to be with?
You almost never regret what you do; you almost always regret what you don't do. And regrets are the absolutely worst thing you can carry into your old age.
We had a big fight about 20 days ago
Submitted on Tuesday, January 27, 2009
By: Monita
Age: 25
Location: NY
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we've had our fights in the past but never stayed mad for more than 5 days. We had a big fight about 20 days ago, over something his friend told him about me. his friend told him that i was at a club flirting with the D.J and that I was having drinks with him all night... totally not true! I went with my male cousin to that club and my boyfriend knows him. My boyfriend called my cousin to clarify things and my cousin totally messed things up even worse by telling him that it was my idea to go to that club and that I knew people there. I confronted my cousin and he denied it.. and I know my boyfriend is a very honest person so he wouldn't make that up. My boyfriend was very angry at me and started saying all this crazy things about me being a liar and that I didn't respect him. I tried calling him the next day and he said he couldn't talk to me because he was still angry.. then i tried emailing him after a couple of days and he didn't respond. finally after a week I tried calling him again and he send me a text saying there wasn't anything to talk about. it's been almost weeks now and I haven't called him back or emailed because i wanted to give him some space so he could be less angry. My clothes and jewelry are still at his place and he hasn't even tried to contact me about that. what do you think i should do? please advise!!!!
VictorM's advice:
I get a sense that his reaction is not just about this night club misunderstanding; it probably is the cumulative of all these other fights over time. Basically, the night club issue is the straw that broke the camel's back.
Send him an email with you side of the story, and end it with this: "What your friend told you simply is not true but if it makes you happy to believe him over me, so be it." Do not apologize since he's likely to see an apology as confirmation of guilt.
Will it work? I doubt it. Not only is there a long history of fighting between you two, but this notion that your cousin messed up and his friend lied sound like too much to ask.
By: Monita
Age: 25
Location: NY
Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we've had our fights in the past but never stayed mad for more than 5 days. We had a big fight about 20 days ago, over something his friend told him about me. his friend told him that i was at a club flirting with the D.J and that I was having drinks with him all night... totally not true! I went with my male cousin to that club and my boyfriend knows him. My boyfriend called my cousin to clarify things and my cousin totally messed things up even worse by telling him that it was my idea to go to that club and that I knew people there. I confronted my cousin and he denied it.. and I know my boyfriend is a very honest person so he wouldn't make that up. My boyfriend was very angry at me and started saying all this crazy things about me being a liar and that I didn't respect him. I tried calling him the next day and he said he couldn't talk to me because he was still angry.. then i tried emailing him after a couple of days and he didn't respond. finally after a week I tried calling him again and he send me a text saying there wasn't anything to talk about. it's been almost weeks now and I haven't called him back or emailed because i wanted to give him some space so he could be less angry. My clothes and jewelry are still at his place and he hasn't even tried to contact me about that. what do you think i should do? please advise!!!!
VictorM's advice:
I get a sense that his reaction is not just about this night club misunderstanding; it probably is the cumulative of all these other fights over time. Basically, the night club issue is the straw that broke the camel's back.
Send him an email with you side of the story, and end it with this: "What your friend told you simply is not true but if it makes you happy to believe him over me, so be it." Do not apologize since he's likely to see an apology as confirmation of guilt.
Will it work? I doubt it. Not only is there a long history of fighting between you two, but this notion that your cousin messed up and his friend lied sound like too much to ask.
Male friend is developing feelings
Submitted on Monday, January 26, 2009
By: m
Age: 31
Location: MD
Question: How do I know if my male friend is developing feelings for me, because I really care for him and like him.
VictorM's advice:
This has been a recent theme around this page, and here we go again: if he finds you attractive, he's measuring you as a romantic interest. Guys generally aren't close friends with females for the sake of friendship. But guys tend to take a lot longer than females would like to make a move and seek a committed relationship.
As long as he remains a close friend, he's still interested. If he stops ceasing to be interested in possible romance, you will know it because he will become "very busy" all of a sudden or give you a some other excuses why he can't spend time with you.
By: m
Age: 31
Location: MD
Question: How do I know if my male friend is developing feelings for me, because I really care for him and like him.
VictorM's advice:
This has been a recent theme around this page, and here we go again: if he finds you attractive, he's measuring you as a romantic interest. Guys generally aren't close friends with females for the sake of friendship. But guys tend to take a lot longer than females would like to make a move and seek a committed relationship.
As long as he remains a close friend, he's still interested. If he stops ceasing to be interested in possible romance, you will know it because he will become "very busy" all of a sudden or give you a some other excuses why he can't spend time with you.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I found messages he had sent to girls
Submitted on Monday, January 26, 2009
By: Kim
Age: 20
Location: Asheville,NC
Question: Ok so a couple of months ago, I was going to myspace and noticed my boyfriends login was still active, and me being nosy couldn't resist so I went in it, and found messages he had sent to girls and the ones they replied back. I read them and woke his butt up at 2am (we live together) and asked him if he had messaged any girls, he denied it and never gave me a straight answer. My point is, he's such a hypocrite. If I had guys leaving me comments, he would fly to all pieces, but when he comes to him he acts like its nothing. Why does he do that? He tells me he loves me and wouldn't do nothing to ruin our relationship, how can I believe him when he lied straight to my face?
VictorM's advice:
Is there an epidemic of guys being too stupid on myspace (read this previous question and answer to see what I mean)? By the way, Kim, do read that previous question +answer because much of it applies to you. Go ahead... I'll wait.
Back? OK.
No, he's not being a hypocrite, he's just a product of a society that has double standards -- one standard for males, a different one for females. But there is a reason for that. If you read the previous question and answer that I pointed you to, you'd know that guys can absolutely engage is such fantasies without the slightest emotional attachment. Girls? Not so much. Which explains why girls have problems understanding how dispassionate guys can be. Girls are projecting their inability to lust for the sheer sake of lust without attaching some emotional value to it. That is why there is a double standard: we can be dispassionate about those things, but chances are that you can't. So if you had engaged in the same activity, it would have different meaning.
But if you want to look for an hypocrite, look in the mirror. You're the one who violated his privacy and then went on to test him while hiding the truth from him, namely, that you had read his messages. Now you want to castigate him for hiding the truth from you. That, my friend, is the meaning of hypocrisy.
Look, drop the name calling. Talk to him like an adult who is trying to understand, not judge.
By: Kim
Age: 20
Location: Asheville,NC
Question: Ok so a couple of months ago, I was going to myspace and noticed my boyfriends login was still active, and me being nosy couldn't resist so I went in it, and found messages he had sent to girls and the ones they replied back. I read them and woke his butt up at 2am (we live together) and asked him if he had messaged any girls, he denied it and never gave me a straight answer. My point is, he's such a hypocrite. If I had guys leaving me comments, he would fly to all pieces, but when he comes to him he acts like its nothing. Why does he do that? He tells me he loves me and wouldn't do nothing to ruin our relationship, how can I believe him when he lied straight to my face?
VictorM's advice:
Is there an epidemic of guys being too stupid on myspace (read this previous question and answer to see what I mean)? By the way, Kim, do read that previous question +answer because much of it applies to you. Go ahead... I'll wait.
Back? OK.
No, he's not being a hypocrite, he's just a product of a society that has double standards -- one standard for males, a different one for females. But there is a reason for that. If you read the previous question and answer that I pointed you to, you'd know that guys can absolutely engage is such fantasies without the slightest emotional attachment. Girls? Not so much. Which explains why girls have problems understanding how dispassionate guys can be. Girls are projecting their inability to lust for the sheer sake of lust without attaching some emotional value to it. That is why there is a double standard: we can be dispassionate about those things, but chances are that you can't. So if you had engaged in the same activity, it would have different meaning.
But if you want to look for an hypocrite, look in the mirror. You're the one who violated his privacy and then went on to test him while hiding the truth from him, namely, that you had read his messages. Now you want to castigate him for hiding the truth from you. That, my friend, is the meaning of hypocrisy.
Look, drop the name calling. Talk to him like an adult who is trying to understand, not judge.
I started looking through his messages
Submitted on Sunday, January 25, 2009
By: Shanna
Age: 18
Location: california
Question: The other day my boyfriend left his myspace open and i started looking through his messages (even though i know i shouldn't have!) and i read a message where he was talking to some girl about me, asking how long we've been together and all that stuff, and then they started talking about her sex life, and this is how part of the convo went :
her: "well recently my vag*na hasnt been getting any attention, lol."
him: "hmmm i know i shouldnt say this but, i wouldnt mind giving it some attention."
they went on to talk about how long he can last, how good he/she is, 'techniques', all kinds of stuff like that.
So i'm wondering, do you think that by him saying this he's probably cheated on me before (not necessarily her, but anyone) or might end up cheating on me, or was he just flirting with her? What should i do? How can i confront him about this? Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he has cheated on your or ever will, and I say this even after what you just told me.
Guys, no matter how much in love they are, never cease to fantasize and to imagine themselves as god's gift to any woman. The internet has provided a great facility to live up many of those fantasies. For most guys, however, the fantasy ends when they log-off.
Guys are very dispassionate about such things. That's why men can go to strip clubs, Hooters restaurants, view porn, watch pretty girls walk, or flirt on the internet without it interfering with their love lives. Those things just don't mean anything other than provide immediate and non-lasting gratification.
This quote from the wife of Billy Martin (NY Yankees manager several years ago) after it was disclosed he spent time at a strip club comes to mind: "I don't care where he gets his appetite so long as he comes home for dinner."
I'd say, unless you have other evidence that might lead you to believe he is, or might be, cheating, for you to just ignore it. But if it's going to bother you, the only way to resolve this is to come clean with what you did (wanting the truth from him should start with you telling the truth) and asking him to explain himself. All I will say is: give him a chance to explain himself before starting to accuse him of something he might not have done.
By: Shanna
Age: 18
Location: california
Question: The other day my boyfriend left his myspace open and i started looking through his messages (even though i know i shouldn't have!) and i read a message where he was talking to some girl about me, asking how long we've been together and all that stuff, and then they started talking about her sex life, and this is how part of the convo went :
her: "well recently my vag*na hasnt been getting any attention, lol."
him: "hmmm i know i shouldnt say this but, i wouldnt mind giving it some attention."
they went on to talk about how long he can last, how good he/she is, 'techniques', all kinds of stuff like that.
So i'm wondering, do you think that by him saying this he's probably cheated on me before (not necessarily her, but anyone) or might end up cheating on me, or was he just flirting with her? What should i do? How can i confront him about this? Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he has cheated on your or ever will, and I say this even after what you just told me.
Guys, no matter how much in love they are, never cease to fantasize and to imagine themselves as god's gift to any woman. The internet has provided a great facility to live up many of those fantasies. For most guys, however, the fantasy ends when they log-off.
Guys are very dispassionate about such things. That's why men can go to strip clubs, Hooters restaurants, view porn, watch pretty girls walk, or flirt on the internet without it interfering with their love lives. Those things just don't mean anything other than provide immediate and non-lasting gratification.
This quote from the wife of Billy Martin (NY Yankees manager several years ago) after it was disclosed he spent time at a strip club comes to mind: "I don't care where he gets his appetite so long as he comes home for dinner."
I'd say, unless you have other evidence that might lead you to believe he is, or might be, cheating, for you to just ignore it. But if it's going to bother you, the only way to resolve this is to come clean with what you did (wanting the truth from him should start with you telling the truth) and asking him to explain himself. All I will say is: give him a chance to explain himself before starting to accuse him of something he might not have done.
He was very affectionate towards me
Submitted on Sunday, January 25, 2009
By: Helena
Age: 19
Location: california
Question: Before i moved in with my boyfriend he was very affectionate towards me, but now he hardly is, unless i do it first. Everyday he gets off work, and i'm waiting for him like a little puppy and when he walks through the door, the first thing i do is hug him and kiss and and tell him how much i missed him, and i know if i didn't he would walk over and maybe kiss me and asked what i've been doing. Is it just the fact that he can see me all the time now that takes the excitement out of seeing me? Or do you think hes getting tired of me? I'm not really sure but its disappointing trying to figure him out. Thanks :]
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's getting tired of you, but his behavior is typical. Come on, do you really miss him if you see him every day? Most guys just can't understand how one human being can feel that way after being away for just a few hours. To us, that stops being affection and starts being neediness. After a while, it's even downright annoying.
Give him some space. Let him breath, for crying out loud. Let him just kiss you a few days a week. You aren't going to die. And no, he's not going to be as excited about seeing you every day as he was before. It's simply just human nature to slow down.
Pace yourself. Life is long. Find other enjoyments in life beside him. Go out with friends. Spend time without him.
*opens window even though it's 25F outside* I need fresh air just imagining what this poor guy is going through every single day.
By: Helena
Age: 19
Location: california
Question: Before i moved in with my boyfriend he was very affectionate towards me, but now he hardly is, unless i do it first. Everyday he gets off work, and i'm waiting for him like a little puppy and when he walks through the door, the first thing i do is hug him and kiss and and tell him how much i missed him, and i know if i didn't he would walk over and maybe kiss me and asked what i've been doing. Is it just the fact that he can see me all the time now that takes the excitement out of seeing me? Or do you think hes getting tired of me? I'm not really sure but its disappointing trying to figure him out. Thanks :]
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's getting tired of you, but his behavior is typical. Come on, do you really miss him if you see him every day? Most guys just can't understand how one human being can feel that way after being away for just a few hours. To us, that stops being affection and starts being neediness. After a while, it's even downright annoying.
Give him some space. Let him breath, for crying out loud. Let him just kiss you a few days a week. You aren't going to die. And no, he's not going to be as excited about seeing you every day as he was before. It's simply just human nature to slow down.
Pace yourself. Life is long. Find other enjoyments in life beside him. Go out with friends. Spend time without him.
*opens window even though it's 25F outside* I need fresh air just imagining what this poor guy is going through every single day.
Monday, January 26, 2009
He doesn't care if his friends hit on me
Submitted on Sunday, January 25, 2009
By: Celia
Age: 19
Location: British Columbia
Question: Ok so this one guy I like knows I like him and he likes me too, the problem is he doesn't care if his friends hit on me and because I have a flirty personality, he's accepted trusting me and knowing I won't do anything to hurt him yet I know he acts jealous but takes it out on me in a sarcastically joking way.
We aren't dating though and I'm not sure if he acts this way if he really does want to date.. he does tell me things which makes it seem like he really cares and says he hopes I trust him because I don't trust guys often but I don't get it.. If i tell him i like him shouldn't he already know? Or is my behavior setting him off wondering if I really do like him... Yet he will allow his friends to get close to me without telling them the boundaries. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
He should be the one to tell his friends about your boundaries? No. That should come from you.
I find it hard to believe he's OK with all your flirting. I think you're making up your own reality to suit your personality, but I'm more inclined to believe that what you're calling sarcastic joking is how he really feels.
What do you do? Grow up and show him respect by ceasing to flirt with his friends.
By: Celia
Age: 19
Location: British Columbia
Question: Ok so this one guy I like knows I like him and he likes me too, the problem is he doesn't care if his friends hit on me and because I have a flirty personality, he's accepted trusting me and knowing I won't do anything to hurt him yet I know he acts jealous but takes it out on me in a sarcastically joking way.
We aren't dating though and I'm not sure if he acts this way if he really does want to date.. he does tell me things which makes it seem like he really cares and says he hopes I trust him because I don't trust guys often but I don't get it.. If i tell him i like him shouldn't he already know? Or is my behavior setting him off wondering if I really do like him... Yet he will allow his friends to get close to me without telling them the boundaries. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
He should be the one to tell his friends about your boundaries? No. That should come from you.
I find it hard to believe he's OK with all your flirting. I think you're making up your own reality to suit your personality, but I'm more inclined to believe that what you're calling sarcastic joking is how he really feels.
What do you do? Grow up and show him respect by ceasing to flirt with his friends.
I met this guy on flight about 6 weeks ago
Submitted on Saturday, January 24, 2009
By: Kay
Age: 43
Location: New York
Question: I met this guy on flight about 6 weeks ago. He actually started talking to me as we were boarding and had he not,I would not have even thought to talk to him. Turns out we sat next to each other and chatted the entire flight. At the end of the flight we exchanged contact info and he emailed me with in hours to say how nice it was to have talked with me. We are both in our early/mid-forties and live about 800 miles apart. The following week he "had some business" in my city and we met for dinner. I was kind of so-so on him, but he was nice and funny and something drew me to him. I agreed to meet him in another neutral city to spend a weekend to get to know him. He had to cancel because his dad got sick and went into the hospital. So the following weekend after that I went to his city because it worked out due to my work travel schedule. We spent Saturday night together and I left liking him a lot more than I thought I would - or wanted to. I feel so comfortable with him, which is scaring me a bit. I will be in his town again next week and we have planned to have dinner. Now here is the catch which is making me nervous...we made a bet while watching the NFL playoffs (my city team was in it and he favored the other team) that the loser would buy the winner a plane ticket to their city. I lost and made good on my bet by buying a gift card from an airline and mailing it to him with a short message. I believe in doing what you say you will. I suspect he received it yesterday or today. I also called yesterday to say hello & wish him a nice weekend - I left a message. In the past, he has usually returned my phone calls within a day, although we only may call each other once a week and drop an email here and there. Should I be concerned that I have freaked him out with the gift card? I really don't want to blow this opportunity with him, but also don't want to be one of those girls who is calling all the time saying "why didn't you call me back?" He has told me that he really likes me (which I am also not use to hearing from a guy) and I know that this is very early in something that may never come to be, but I would like to continue to pursue this opportunity with him. Thoughts from a guy's mind???
VictorM's advice:
I would think nothing of it. First, there's a good chance he hasn't gotten the gift certificate yet, or it has gotten there but he hasn't seen it yet. Second, even if he has received it, there's a good chance he won't call you back about it until after checking his schedule for an open weekend. Third, as a road worrier myself, it's very easy to check out from the real world for a while after long flights, across time zones, jet lag, piled up mail at home, etc. We're not as efficient as females.
Wait a few days.
By: Kay
Age: 43
Location: New York
Question: I met this guy on flight about 6 weeks ago. He actually started talking to me as we were boarding and had he not,I would not have even thought to talk to him. Turns out we sat next to each other and chatted the entire flight. At the end of the flight we exchanged contact info and he emailed me with in hours to say how nice it was to have talked with me. We are both in our early/mid-forties and live about 800 miles apart. The following week he "had some business" in my city and we met for dinner. I was kind of so-so on him, but he was nice and funny and something drew me to him. I agreed to meet him in another neutral city to spend a weekend to get to know him. He had to cancel because his dad got sick and went into the hospital. So the following weekend after that I went to his city because it worked out due to my work travel schedule. We spent Saturday night together and I left liking him a lot more than I thought I would - or wanted to. I feel so comfortable with him, which is scaring me a bit. I will be in his town again next week and we have planned to have dinner. Now here is the catch which is making me nervous...we made a bet while watching the NFL playoffs (my city team was in it and he favored the other team) that the loser would buy the winner a plane ticket to their city. I lost and made good on my bet by buying a gift card from an airline and mailing it to him with a short message. I believe in doing what you say you will. I suspect he received it yesterday or today. I also called yesterday to say hello & wish him a nice weekend - I left a message. In the past, he has usually returned my phone calls within a day, although we only may call each other once a week and drop an email here and there. Should I be concerned that I have freaked him out with the gift card? I really don't want to blow this opportunity with him, but also don't want to be one of those girls who is calling all the time saying "why didn't you call me back?" He has told me that he really likes me (which I am also not use to hearing from a guy) and I know that this is very early in something that may never come to be, but I would like to continue to pursue this opportunity with him. Thoughts from a guy's mind???
VictorM's advice:
I would think nothing of it. First, there's a good chance he hasn't gotten the gift certificate yet, or it has gotten there but he hasn't seen it yet. Second, even if he has received it, there's a good chance he won't call you back about it until after checking his schedule for an open weekend. Third, as a road worrier myself, it's very easy to check out from the real world for a while after long flights, across time zones, jet lag, piled up mail at home, etc. We're not as efficient as females.
Wait a few days.
if he is really in love with me
Submitted on Saturday, January 24, 2009
By: Mary
Age: 39
Location: Texas
Question: What do i look for on my boyfriend to see if he is really in love with me or he is just saying the word? No he said the phrase first & we have 25 months living together.
Oh! How can you tell if a guy is gay or straight?
VictorM's advice:
The answer to your question does not rest in his words -- words are too easy to say -- it rests within you. How you feel about his feelings towards you is all that matters.
Ask the guy to grow a beard and see how neatly he keeps it. :-p (Just kidding) I really don't know how you can tell. It's made more difficult because some of the guys don't even know it themselves, or know it but repress it, until some event makes them realize their preference.
By: Mary
Age: 39
Location: Texas
Question: What do i look for on my boyfriend to see if he is really in love with me or he is just saying the word? No he said the phrase first & we have 25 months living together.
Oh! How can you tell if a guy is gay or straight?
VictorM's advice:
The answer to your question does not rest in his words -- words are too easy to say -- it rests within you. How you feel about his feelings towards you is all that matters.
Ask the guy to grow a beard and see how neatly he keeps it. :-p (Just kidding) I really don't know how you can tell. It's made more difficult because some of the guys don't even know it themselves, or know it but repress it, until some event makes them realize their preference.
Confidential to Jessica, 23, from US
You're a regular visitor, so you know some of the things I say often:
-- Guys like a challenge. Do not think that coming across as hard to get has hurt your chances. Probably quite the contrary.
-- "Call you tomorrow" is not a promise, it's not a guarantee, it's just a parting comment, not unlike, "take care," "see you around," "goodbye," "see you later," etc. Most guys hate to appear needy, so frequent calling, or calling too soon, is usually avoided.
-- If a guy calls you intending to spend time with you but instead is invited to spend time with a group that he may not know or care to be with, he'll find an excuse to bail out. It's not a reflection on you.
-- But Jessica, by now, if you care to be with the guy, enough being the pain in the ass. :) But don't go to the other extreme either. Let him seduce you. Spent time alone with him, not in groups.
I think you're at the driver's seat. So I don't see the point of worrying about it.
-- Guys like a challenge. Do not think that coming across as hard to get has hurt your chances. Probably quite the contrary.
-- "Call you tomorrow" is not a promise, it's not a guarantee, it's just a parting comment, not unlike, "take care," "see you around," "goodbye," "see you later," etc. Most guys hate to appear needy, so frequent calling, or calling too soon, is usually avoided.
-- If a guy calls you intending to spend time with you but instead is invited to spend time with a group that he may not know or care to be with, he'll find an excuse to bail out. It's not a reflection on you.
-- But Jessica, by now, if you care to be with the guy, enough being the pain in the ass. :) But don't go to the other extreme either. Let him seduce you. Spent time alone with him, not in groups.
I think you're at the driver's seat. So I don't see the point of worrying about it.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I was seeing a guy from my work
Submitted on Saturday, January 24, 2009
By: Alexandra
Age: 21
Location: Seattle
Question: I was seeing a guy from my work for a couple months. Nothing serious, just casually hanging out and going on dates. I got to the point where I wanted something more serious but he expressed fears of being in a relationship, making himself vulnerable and getting hurt and didn't think he could do it so I stopped dating him. I haven't stopped caring about him and he's made it clear he still cares about me but I don't want to start anything with him again if he's too scared of giving me a chance. Is there any way I can make him more comfortable with the idea of being with me? Or show him I'm not a man-eating vixen that's going to hurt him?
VictorM's advice:
He wasn't afraid to give you a chance. That's what he was doing by going on dates with you. You're the one that, according to him, had to spoil it trying to rush things. You forced his hand before he was ready.
Guys are more comfortable dating informally and getting to know the girl before committing. Unlike girls, who see commitment as a form of security, guys see it as a loss of freedom. They like to make sure the girl is worth doing it, and 2 months of infrequent dates just isn't enough time.
And despite your protests, he knows what we guys all know: you are a girl, hence you are a man-eating vixen. And if you insist on a serious relationship now, you're only proving that fact.
If you want him to be comfortable with you, go back to your previous arrangement, at least for a while longer. If... IF... he's still willing, that is. He may have been spooked for good by your man-eating vixen attitude.
By: Alexandra
Age: 21
Location: Seattle
Question: I was seeing a guy from my work for a couple months. Nothing serious, just casually hanging out and going on dates. I got to the point where I wanted something more serious but he expressed fears of being in a relationship, making himself vulnerable and getting hurt and didn't think he could do it so I stopped dating him. I haven't stopped caring about him and he's made it clear he still cares about me but I don't want to start anything with him again if he's too scared of giving me a chance. Is there any way I can make him more comfortable with the idea of being with me? Or show him I'm not a man-eating vixen that's going to hurt him?
VictorM's advice:
He wasn't afraid to give you a chance. That's what he was doing by going on dates with you. You're the one that, according to him, had to spoil it trying to rush things. You forced his hand before he was ready.
Guys are more comfortable dating informally and getting to know the girl before committing. Unlike girls, who see commitment as a form of security, guys see it as a loss of freedom. They like to make sure the girl is worth doing it, and 2 months of infrequent dates just isn't enough time.
And despite your protests, he knows what we guys all know: you are a girl, hence you are a man-eating vixen. And if you insist on a serious relationship now, you're only proving that fact.
If you want him to be comfortable with you, go back to your previous arrangement, at least for a while longer. If... IF... he's still willing, that is. He may have been spooked for good by your man-eating vixen attitude.
He does things to push me to break up with him
Submitted on Friday, January 23, 2009
By: Anoyomous
Age: 24
Location: Houston,TX
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and the last 5 have been very rocky. We started off perfectly. He would make breakfast, shower me with affection, and all the other things guys do when you first get together. I expected those things to slow down after a while, but now our relationship lacks the most simple and important things like kissing, flirting, and communication. He used to hold my hand and kiss all over me in public, but now he swears that he's not into PDAs. The only time he is affectionate is when he wants sex. My boyfriend also disrespects me by doing things like talking to his ex and commenting on how attractive various girls are.I can't remember the last compliment he gave me. He also OFTEN talks about girls from his past and how close he was with them,etc. What does all this mean? I suspect that he does things to push me to break up with him. I also suspect that at the core of it all he isn't attracted to me anymore.He is pretty shallow so I wouldn't be surprised. I think I cute, but he has said in the past that he normally dates fair skinned girls with long hair and I dark skinned with short hair. I really want out of this relationship, but I'm not emotionally ready to let go. I know I'm in a bad situation, but how do I break free?
VictorM's advice:
"He does things to push me to break up with him." Bingo! Guys hate to face a girl and breakup with her. Once they lose interest in her, they prefer to be dumped so they don't come across as the bad guys.
Maybe you still harbor hopes that things can be the way they were during the first few months -- they can't and they wont!
If you're not ready to let go, you're not ready, just give yourself more time. But then you have no leg to stand on when you say he doesn't respect you, because by staying with him, you're disrespecting yourself.
By: Anoyomous
Age: 24
Location: Houston,TX
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and the last 5 have been very rocky. We started off perfectly. He would make breakfast, shower me with affection, and all the other things guys do when you first get together. I expected those things to slow down after a while, but now our relationship lacks the most simple and important things like kissing, flirting, and communication. He used to hold my hand and kiss all over me in public, but now he swears that he's not into PDAs. The only time he is affectionate is when he wants sex. My boyfriend also disrespects me by doing things like talking to his ex and commenting on how attractive various girls are.I can't remember the last compliment he gave me. He also OFTEN talks about girls from his past and how close he was with them,etc. What does all this mean? I suspect that he does things to push me to break up with him. I also suspect that at the core of it all he isn't attracted to me anymore.He is pretty shallow so I wouldn't be surprised. I think I cute, but he has said in the past that he normally dates fair skinned girls with long hair and I dark skinned with short hair. I really want out of this relationship, but I'm not emotionally ready to let go. I know I'm in a bad situation, but how do I break free?
VictorM's advice:
"He does things to push me to break up with him." Bingo! Guys hate to face a girl and breakup with her. Once they lose interest in her, they prefer to be dumped so they don't come across as the bad guys.
Maybe you still harbor hopes that things can be the way they were during the first few months -- they can't and they wont!
If you're not ready to let go, you're not ready, just give yourself more time. But then you have no leg to stand on when you say he doesn't respect you, because by staying with him, you're disrespecting yourself.
He called me a slut
Submitted on Friday, January 23, 2009
By: Ashley
Age: 20
Location: LA
Question: I had something going with this one guy for about 3 months. At the very beginning, he asked me to be one of his "8 girlfriends". I told him that I am not one of eight, that I'm one of one. He just laughed it off and the subject was never brought up again. Regardless, we still sent flirty messages to each other, and he would come stop by my dorm room to talk, and then eventually "hook up". Like I said earlier, this went on for about 3 months - but we never really hung out besides our late night chats. For my birthday, he gave me a card that said "there is no mountain high enough, no river wide enough, no valley low enough, to show you how much you mean to me". I thought it was a very sweet and nice card, but surprised by how deep it was. I asked him about the card and he said "I don't want to lead you on" and later said "I can't have just one girlfriend". At this point, I was ready to either be with him or just end it, so I stopped talking to him. Meanwhile, I was getting to know one of his friends who later invited me to hang out with him a few days after my birthday. I honestly was just going over to talk to him, because he seemed like a fun guy, but he kissed me and we made out. Somehow, the first guy found out about what happened and called me a slut. Did I really do anything wrong? I mean I know that the first guy was hooking up with other girls beside me while I was "with him". We never said we were exclusive. Did the first guy actually like me and was just too afraid to admit it or was I just his booty-call girl that he was possessive over?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you did nothing wrong. The first guy just got his pride hurt, which shows you what a superficial twit he is. And when guys get hurt, they have a need to hurt the person they blame for it. He's just in little boy mode, sulking in the corner. Just ignore the jerk.
But I have to tell you, reading a birthday card from what a guy for what it says is nuts. Guys rush into a store and pick the first card that seems to fit the occasion. Whether the message was pre-printed or hand-written, it doesn't matter, the meaning is still the same: he's just complying with an annoying tradition. And in this case, it might have made your wall crumble, so for $1.99 it was worth a try.
By: Ashley
Age: 20
Location: LA
Question: I had something going with this one guy for about 3 months. At the very beginning, he asked me to be one of his "8 girlfriends". I told him that I am not one of eight, that I'm one of one. He just laughed it off and the subject was never brought up again. Regardless, we still sent flirty messages to each other, and he would come stop by my dorm room to talk, and then eventually "hook up". Like I said earlier, this went on for about 3 months - but we never really hung out besides our late night chats. For my birthday, he gave me a card that said "there is no mountain high enough, no river wide enough, no valley low enough, to show you how much you mean to me". I thought it was a very sweet and nice card, but surprised by how deep it was. I asked him about the card and he said "I don't want to lead you on" and later said "I can't have just one girlfriend". At this point, I was ready to either be with him or just end it, so I stopped talking to him. Meanwhile, I was getting to know one of his friends who later invited me to hang out with him a few days after my birthday. I honestly was just going over to talk to him, because he seemed like a fun guy, but he kissed me and we made out. Somehow, the first guy found out about what happened and called me a slut. Did I really do anything wrong? I mean I know that the first guy was hooking up with other girls beside me while I was "with him". We never said we were exclusive. Did the first guy actually like me and was just too afraid to admit it or was I just his booty-call girl that he was possessive over?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you did nothing wrong. The first guy just got his pride hurt, which shows you what a superficial twit he is. And when guys get hurt, they have a need to hurt the person they blame for it. He's just in little boy mode, sulking in the corner. Just ignore the jerk.
But I have to tell you, reading a birthday card from what a guy for what it says is nuts. Guys rush into a store and pick the first card that seems to fit the occasion. Whether the message was pre-printed or hand-written, it doesn't matter, the meaning is still the same: he's just complying with an annoying tradition. And in this case, it might have made your wall crumble, so for $1.99 it was worth a try.
She keeps mentioning her boyfriend's name
Submitted on Friday, January 23, 2009
By: john
Age: 30
Location: scotland
Question: am still friends with my ex, but she keeps mentioning her boyfriend's name, why do you think this is?
VictorM's advice:
I've been saying for years that exes are evil and suggest limiting or eliminating contact with an ex. That's because no matter how careful or well-intentioned, the prospect for hurt is just too high.
Assuming she has no malicious intent, it's difficult for her to avoid talking about the most important person in her life (and John you have to understand that it's no longer you). From her point of view, she's sharing information with a friend, not with an ex.
By: john
Age: 30
Location: scotland
Question: am still friends with my ex, but she keeps mentioning her boyfriend's name, why do you think this is?
VictorM's advice:
I've been saying for years that exes are evil and suggest limiting or eliminating contact with an ex. That's because no matter how careful or well-intentioned, the prospect for hurt is just too high.
Assuming she has no malicious intent, it's difficult for her to avoid talking about the most important person in her life (and John you have to understand that it's no longer you). From her point of view, she's sharing information with a friend, not with an ex.
They only want sex
Submitted on Friday, January 23, 2009
By: Mimi
Age: 26
Location: California
Question: So, I've had some issues with spending time with a guy, and then realizing that they only want sex. They don't get it, but I hate wasting any of my time with these losers. What are some signs that a guy only wants you for sex? Are there things that when first meeting a guy or on a first date for example, that are red flags?
VictorM's advice:
The "guy only wants you for sex" mantra is mostly a cop out by girls. Just about every guy is going to want sex, whether it's on day one or they have more patience than that, but no matter what, they want it. But to insinuate that sex is all they want is false. It only appears so because it's the easiest thing to notice. But if they walk away, it's not just sex they were after; they want something more, something that they don't find in you.
This is not a knock on you, it's just how the process works when trying to find the right match. Unlike girls, we're not as likely to get stuck on one just because we have some things in common or because you have great boobs. Guys are more likely to move on when they aren't feeling it instead of trying to change you to fit their wants. And sexual compatibility is part of it.
There is a lot of merit to not having sex too soon, but that's beneficial if meanwhile you two get to know more about each other. Clearly a guy who starts on day one seeking sex isn't likely to have much else in mind, but a certain sexual tension and flirting are natural.
Aside from the overly eager sex seeker, you need to understand that every guy meeting you for the first time will be thinking of having sex with you. What you should be looking for are other attributes that cause you to have concerns and denote incompatibility.
And stop blaming sex, for doing so only blocks you from seeing the real reasons for the issues you encounter with men and hides areas where you might want to improve attributes about yourself so that you attract different types of men.
By: Mimi
Age: 26
Location: California
Question: So, I've had some issues with spending time with a guy, and then realizing that they only want sex. They don't get it, but I hate wasting any of my time with these losers. What are some signs that a guy only wants you for sex? Are there things that when first meeting a guy or on a first date for example, that are red flags?
VictorM's advice:
The "guy only wants you for sex" mantra is mostly a cop out by girls. Just about every guy is going to want sex, whether it's on day one or they have more patience than that, but no matter what, they want it. But to insinuate that sex is all they want is false. It only appears so because it's the easiest thing to notice. But if they walk away, it's not just sex they were after; they want something more, something that they don't find in you.
This is not a knock on you, it's just how the process works when trying to find the right match. Unlike girls, we're not as likely to get stuck on one just because we have some things in common or because you have great boobs. Guys are more likely to move on when they aren't feeling it instead of trying to change you to fit their wants. And sexual compatibility is part of it.
There is a lot of merit to not having sex too soon, but that's beneficial if meanwhile you two get to know more about each other. Clearly a guy who starts on day one seeking sex isn't likely to have much else in mind, but a certain sexual tension and flirting are natural.
Aside from the overly eager sex seeker, you need to understand that every guy meeting you for the first time will be thinking of having sex with you. What you should be looking for are other attributes that cause you to have concerns and denote incompatibility.
And stop blaming sex, for doing so only blocks you from seeing the real reasons for the issues you encounter with men and hides areas where you might want to improve attributes about yourself so that you attract different types of men.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Can a guy change his mind about a girl?
Submitted on Thursday, January 22, 2009
By: Ami
Age: 17
Location: US of A
Question: How long can a guy hold on to a crush on a girl? Can a guy change his mind about a girl? If a guy is friends with a girl, but not looking for a relationship can he change his mind and go for his friend?
VictorM's advice:
Crushes could last a few hours or last for ages (I still have a crush on Marilyn Monroe and for crying out loud, the woman is dead).
Changing minds about a girl, for better or worst, can happen in a heartbeat.
Not looking for a relationship is a conscientious decision; falling in love is an involuntary reaction. If the latter happens, the former bites the dust in a hurry. And knowing someone as a friend is a great gateway to lead to love.
By: Ami
Age: 17
Location: US of A
Question: How long can a guy hold on to a crush on a girl? Can a guy change his mind about a girl? If a guy is friends with a girl, but not looking for a relationship can he change his mind and go for his friend?
VictorM's advice:
Crushes could last a few hours or last for ages (I still have a crush on Marilyn Monroe and for crying out loud, the woman is dead).
Changing minds about a girl, for better or worst, can happen in a heartbeat.
Not looking for a relationship is a conscientious decision; falling in love is an involuntary reaction. If the latter happens, the former bites the dust in a hurry. And knowing someone as a friend is a great gateway to lead to love.
Wanting to have children
Submitted on Thursday, January 22, 2009
By: Cassie
Age: 20
Location: Italy/USA
Question: Okay so I have been dating this guy and want to know what it means when a guy starts discussing wanting to have children with you, but doesn’t mention anything about marriage in the process? Are guys serious about you when they discuses topics such as this? And do they possible see a future with you, if they do? But I find this hard to believe because like I said before he has never mentioned marriage with me. I would never want to have a child out of wedlock especially if I can avoid it. So I’m just curious as to what is exactly going on in (this) guy’s mind. Can you give me a few pointers please? Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
Did he specify a time frame? Because it wouldn't surprise me if he's talking about some unspecified time way down the future. Guys are seldom in a hurry for stuff like this (we don't have a ticking biological clock).
If he was talking about wanting a family, frankly, I think marriage is a given. It's probably so obvious to him that he doesn't even think about mentioning marriage when he's talking about children. Just not in the foreseeable future.
By: Cassie
Age: 20
Location: Italy/USA
Question: Okay so I have been dating this guy and want to know what it means when a guy starts discussing wanting to have children with you, but doesn’t mention anything about marriage in the process? Are guys serious about you when they discuses topics such as this? And do they possible see a future with you, if they do? But I find this hard to believe because like I said before he has never mentioned marriage with me. I would never want to have a child out of wedlock especially if I can avoid it. So I’m just curious as to what is exactly going on in (this) guy’s mind. Can you give me a few pointers please? Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
Did he specify a time frame? Because it wouldn't surprise me if he's talking about some unspecified time way down the future. Guys are seldom in a hurry for stuff like this (we don't have a ticking biological clock).
If he was talking about wanting a family, frankly, I think marriage is a given. It's probably so obvious to him that he doesn't even think about mentioning marriage when he's talking about children. Just not in the foreseeable future.
But not even try to kiss me when he said goodbye?
Submitted on Thursday, January 22, 2009
By: Michelle
Age: 24
Location: Brooklyn
Question: Victor,
Please, please help me with this question! I am so upset. I have been hanging out with this guy, not quite dating, for a while. Anyway, we were talking the other day and he mentioned that he wanted to see a certain movie and I said I wanted to see it too, so he said, let's go together. So he called me up a few days later and we went to the movie. Now, the last time I saw him we kissed for the first time, but it was a few weeks ago. Anyway, we went to the movie, and afterward he wanted to go home right away! He did not ask if I wanted to go out to eat or something, and he didn't walk me to my subway stop, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek but that was all. The only positive signs were he said there was another movie he wanted to see and that we should go again sometime, and also, he said we should hang out this weekend but guys always say that so I know it doesn't mean anything.
Please, victor, tell me he was just tired or something, and that he still likes me. I mean it is a weeknight and we both have to get up early tomorrow.... but not even try to kiss me when he said goodbye?
Could it be that he thinks I don't like him? I was kind of tired and didn't talk a lot. Please victor, tell me anything but that he doesn't like me anymore!
VictorM's advice:
I hope he called you this weekend. Did he?
In any case, it is totally possible, even likely, that he likes you and yet still behaved as he did. The reasons are so many that I'm not even going to speculate.
Just one thing: next time, show a little more enthusiasm. :)
By: Michelle
Age: 24
Location: Brooklyn
Question: Victor,
Please, please help me with this question! I am so upset. I have been hanging out with this guy, not quite dating, for a while. Anyway, we were talking the other day and he mentioned that he wanted to see a certain movie and I said I wanted to see it too, so he said, let's go together. So he called me up a few days later and we went to the movie. Now, the last time I saw him we kissed for the first time, but it was a few weeks ago. Anyway, we went to the movie, and afterward he wanted to go home right away! He did not ask if I wanted to go out to eat or something, and he didn't walk me to my subway stop, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek but that was all. The only positive signs were he said there was another movie he wanted to see and that we should go again sometime, and also, he said we should hang out this weekend but guys always say that so I know it doesn't mean anything.
Please, victor, tell me he was just tired or something, and that he still likes me. I mean it is a weeknight and we both have to get up early tomorrow.... but not even try to kiss me when he said goodbye?
Could it be that he thinks I don't like him? I was kind of tired and didn't talk a lot. Please victor, tell me anything but that he doesn't like me anymore!
VictorM's advice:
I hope he called you this weekend. Did he?
In any case, it is totally possible, even likely, that he likes you and yet still behaved as he did. The reasons are so many that I'm not even going to speculate.
Just one thing: next time, show a little more enthusiasm. :)
how to get him to like me again
Submitted on Thursday, January 22, 2009
By: brittney
Age: 15
Question: there is this kid that i used to be friends with benefits with last year and we were gonna date and then our friends stopped dating and we stop talking all together. but this year we started talking as friends again and i like him a lot, i mean i've liked him since then but i don't know, i don't think he likes me. and our friends started talking again as in like each other talk and they want us to go to the movies with them but i don't know, i want him back and i see him every day in school so i wanna know how to get him to like me again. i like him a lot. i cried about him for like an hour last night so please just tell me how i can get him to like me again and if you think that if we go to the movies it will make it be like old times and we will like each other again..
VictorM's advice:
You should go to the movies with your friends. I don't know if he'll like you after that but he can't begin to like you again unless he spends time with you, so spend time with him whenever you can.
Just don't go thinking that he's going to like you right away. Be prepared to be friends again and go from there. If you two can be good friends again, you're closer to having him again than if you just keep a distance.
By: brittney
Age: 15
Question: there is this kid that i used to be friends with benefits with last year and we were gonna date and then our friends stopped dating and we stop talking all together. but this year we started talking as friends again and i like him a lot, i mean i've liked him since then but i don't know, i don't think he likes me. and our friends started talking again as in like each other talk and they want us to go to the movies with them but i don't know, i want him back and i see him every day in school so i wanna know how to get him to like me again. i like him a lot. i cried about him for like an hour last night so please just tell me how i can get him to like me again and if you think that if we go to the movies it will make it be like old times and we will like each other again..
VictorM's advice:
You should go to the movies with your friends. I don't know if he'll like you after that but he can't begin to like you again unless he spends time with you, so spend time with him whenever you can.
Just don't go thinking that he's going to like you right away. Be prepared to be friends again and go from there. If you two can be good friends again, you're closer to having him again than if you just keep a distance.
Friday, January 23, 2009
We flirted throughout the night
Submitted on Thursday, January 22, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 19
Location: D.C.
Question: I met this guy in the car on the way to a party. We flirted throughout the night. Our group of friends that we went to the party with came back to my dorm room to watch a movie. Me and the guy I met cuddled on the bed during the movie, while all my other friends sat on the other bed. Eventually we hooked up when we were alone in the room. We never exchanged numbers, but he asked me to keep the movie we were watching so he could come back and we would finish it another time. It's been 4 days since i've seen/heard from him. Should I send him a message or wait for him to contact me first?
VictorM's advice:
Four days? The movie can't be that good. :-p
Sure, call him. He's going to make up some excuse but whatever, don't you already have the answer as to his level of interest?
By: Sarah
Age: 19
Location: D.C.
Question: I met this guy in the car on the way to a party. We flirted throughout the night. Our group of friends that we went to the party with came back to my dorm room to watch a movie. Me and the guy I met cuddled on the bed during the movie, while all my other friends sat on the other bed. Eventually we hooked up when we were alone in the room. We never exchanged numbers, but he asked me to keep the movie we were watching so he could come back and we would finish it another time. It's been 4 days since i've seen/heard from him. Should I send him a message or wait for him to contact me first?
VictorM's advice:
Four days? The movie can't be that good. :-p
Sure, call him. He's going to make up some excuse but whatever, don't you already have the answer as to his level of interest?
We've been through many problems
Submitted on Wednesday, January 21, 2009
By: Abby
Age: 19
Location: Chicago
Question: I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year, and we've been through many problems with our own lives but gotten through them together, and became stronger because of it. When we first started going out (the first few months) he wanted to spend all of his time with me. Now he says he wants space and calls me clingy even though even his friends say I am not needy at all. He tells me he thinks I should be more independent, and I have become a lot more independent since we "broke up" (we are currently hanging out but not officially back together). He still seems the same selfish boyfriend though- I don't know why, but he is so caring at times, but then at others he will invite me over but do something else for two hours when I'm there! This morning he even told one of our friends who was walking by him that she had a nice ass, and it sounded very suggestive. Some of my friends say I should end it, but others say we could really be happy together if both of us were just more understanding. What should I do? How can I get him to be kinder and more willing to spend time with me? How can I get him to understand where I'm coming from when I have complaints like to stop jokingly hitting on other girls?
VictorM's advice:
How can I get him to be kinder and more willing to spend time with me?
By not spending time with him when he's not. Next time you go over and he starts doing other things, leave. Why are you hanging out if you haven't made up? Is this your choice or his? Why do you let him have it his way? Unless you are willing to lose him by standing your ground when he's disrespectful or indifferent, you are going to lose him.
How can I get him to understand where I'm coming from when I have complaints like to stop jokingly hitting on other girls?
Talk about your feelings. He doesn't have to understand them, he just has to know how you feel. "It hurts my feelings when..."
By: Abby
Age: 19
Location: Chicago
Question: I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year, and we've been through many problems with our own lives but gotten through them together, and became stronger because of it. When we first started going out (the first few months) he wanted to spend all of his time with me. Now he says he wants space and calls me clingy even though even his friends say I am not needy at all. He tells me he thinks I should be more independent, and I have become a lot more independent since we "broke up" (we are currently hanging out but not officially back together). He still seems the same selfish boyfriend though- I don't know why, but he is so caring at times, but then at others he will invite me over but do something else for two hours when I'm there! This morning he even told one of our friends who was walking by him that she had a nice ass, and it sounded very suggestive. Some of my friends say I should end it, but others say we could really be happy together if both of us were just more understanding. What should I do? How can I get him to be kinder and more willing to spend time with me? How can I get him to understand where I'm coming from when I have complaints like to stop jokingly hitting on other girls?
VictorM's advice:
How can I get him to be kinder and more willing to spend time with me?
By not spending time with him when he's not. Next time you go over and he starts doing other things, leave. Why are you hanging out if you haven't made up? Is this your choice or his? Why do you let him have it his way? Unless you are willing to lose him by standing your ground when he's disrespectful or indifferent, you are going to lose him.
How can I get him to understand where I'm coming from when I have complaints like to stop jokingly hitting on other girls?
Talk about your feelings. He doesn't have to understand them, he just has to know how you feel. "It hurts my feelings when..."
We had sex many times and it seemed like he was really into me
Submitted on Wednesday, January 21, 2009
By: Akila
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: met this guy on one of those free dating sites. We both agreed that we werent looking for a relationship and we just wanted friendship. We talked for several days all day everyday through phone calls and texting. We decided that on Saturday he would come over to my house and we would have a few drinks. He came over and we had a nice conversation and he even said that he wanted to meet my daughter. We talked about hanging out after that night and being friends. I was so nervous I ended up drinking a lot and got really drunk. We had sex many times and it seemed like he was really into me. It was probably the best sex I have ever had.
So the next morning we got up and he said that he had to go to work and he would text me at 4pm when he got off. I said Ok and he kissed me goodbye. He didn't end up texting me so I texted him that night. When he texted me back he sounded sweet and I was really happy. All of the sudden the texts stopped and I haven't heard from him since. It is Wednesday now but I don't want to seem pushy and text him if he isn't into me.
I don't know what I was thinking. This has happened to me before a couple of years ago but I honestly thought I was smart enough to not let this happen again.. what is going on? Why are men like this??
VictorM's advice:
Yes, yes, men just want to be friends, and there is a Santa Claus and unicorns...
Why are men like what? I'm not sure what you're asking but here are some answers that might apply:
Men don't use the text evil machine unless there is something to say.
Men may have second thoughts about women who say they want friendship but really, that's not all they want.
Men may have second thoughts about women who get drunk and fuck all night after the first meeting.
Men may have second thoughts about women who think that having sex with them equals being into them.
By: Akila
Age: 21
Location: Canada
Question: met this guy on one of those free dating sites. We both agreed that we werent looking for a relationship and we just wanted friendship. We talked for several days all day everyday through phone calls and texting. We decided that on Saturday he would come over to my house and we would have a few drinks. He came over and we had a nice conversation and he even said that he wanted to meet my daughter. We talked about hanging out after that night and being friends. I was so nervous I ended up drinking a lot and got really drunk. We had sex many times and it seemed like he was really into me. It was probably the best sex I have ever had.
So the next morning we got up and he said that he had to go to work and he would text me at 4pm when he got off. I said Ok and he kissed me goodbye. He didn't end up texting me so I texted him that night. When he texted me back he sounded sweet and I was really happy. All of the sudden the texts stopped and I haven't heard from him since. It is Wednesday now but I don't want to seem pushy and text him if he isn't into me.
I don't know what I was thinking. This has happened to me before a couple of years ago but I honestly thought I was smart enough to not let this happen again.. what is going on? Why are men like this??
VictorM's advice:
Yes, yes, men just want to be friends, and there is a Santa Claus and unicorns...
Why are men like what? I'm not sure what you're asking but here are some answers that might apply:
Men don't use the text evil machine unless there is something to say.
Men may have second thoughts about women who say they want friendship but really, that's not all they want.
Men may have second thoughts about women who get drunk and fuck all night after the first meeting.
Men may have second thoughts about women who think that having sex with them equals being into them.
We live about an hour away from one another
Submitted on Tuesday, January 20, 2009
By: sarah
Age: 23
Location: Toronto
Question: I have been dating this guy for about 2 months.. we live about an hour away from one another... both very busy people. So we don't see each other very often and when we do it's weird times due to work schedules. He brought up to me on the phone.. wondering if things were going work? he told me he likes me and likes hanging out with me? we have not had sex yet.
what is he trying to say? I gave the opportunity for him to break up with me and he didn't?
what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
What's the point of a relationship when the principals don't make the time to relate?
What he's trying to say is that you should break up with him cause he doesn't have the balls to do it.
By: sarah
Age: 23
Location: Toronto
Question: I have been dating this guy for about 2 months.. we live about an hour away from one another... both very busy people. So we don't see each other very often and when we do it's weird times due to work schedules. He brought up to me on the phone.. wondering if things were going work? he told me he likes me and likes hanging out with me? we have not had sex yet.
what is he trying to say? I gave the opportunity for him to break up with me and he didn't?
what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
What's the point of a relationship when the principals don't make the time to relate?
What he's trying to say is that you should break up with him cause he doesn't have the balls to do it.
Message for Julie, from NYC
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
I don't want to continue the relationship
Submitted on Monday, January 19, 2009
By: Greene
Age: 29
Location: Canada
Question: I have dated a guy I met on line and then had coffee with him a couple of times. He has me out for dinner and I don't want to continue the relationship. I am not sure how to handle it. What I want to do is call him and explain, he is a nice person, but I am just not feeling it.
VictorM's advice:
All you need to do is say "no thanks" next time he invites you, and the time after that. You don't really have to explain anything because you don't have a relationship. Going out on one date is no promise to go out on another. Guys understand that very well.
By: Greene
Age: 29
Location: Canada
Question: I have dated a guy I met on line and then had coffee with him a couple of times. He has me out for dinner and I don't want to continue the relationship. I am not sure how to handle it. What I want to do is call him and explain, he is a nice person, but I am just not feeling it.
VictorM's advice:
All you need to do is say "no thanks" next time he invites you, and the time after that. You don't really have to explain anything because you don't have a relationship. Going out on one date is no promise to go out on another. Guys understand that very well.
He was a shy person
Submitted on Monday, January 19, 2009
By: amanda
Age: 21
Location: sheffield
Question: i met this guy online,he was great but told me he was a shy person. i really like him. we have been emailing and texting each other for about 4 months now and at first he spoke a lot about us meeting and now he says he wants the best and not to rush and that he is sorting out his money issues and then we meet. he still texts and emails but not as often as he did before. he sounds like he likes me he has sent me his pictures of his family and seen my family too. but i don't really understand why he is changing all of a sudden. do you think i should leave him alone or what?
thanks.
VictorM's advice:
If indeed he is a shy guy, meeting you for the first time could be terrifying. He could be just putting off the meeting for that reason.
The decrease in texting could mean he's losing interest but it's also normal for that to decrease after a few months. It's hard to sustain the initial level of communication over time.
I see no reason for you to leave him alone, but you might want to be assertive about setting a date to meet. He may just need that kind of push to conquer his fears.
By: amanda
Age: 21
Location: sheffield
Question: i met this guy online,he was great but told me he was a shy person. i really like him. we have been emailing and texting each other for about 4 months now and at first he spoke a lot about us meeting and now he says he wants the best and not to rush and that he is sorting out his money issues and then we meet. he still texts and emails but not as often as he did before. he sounds like he likes me he has sent me his pictures of his family and seen my family too. but i don't really understand why he is changing all of a sudden. do you think i should leave him alone or what?
thanks.
VictorM's advice:
If indeed he is a shy guy, meeting you for the first time could be terrifying. He could be just putting off the meeting for that reason.
The decrease in texting could mean he's losing interest but it's also normal for that to decrease after a few months. It's hard to sustain the initial level of communication over time.
I see no reason for you to leave him alone, but you might want to be assertive about setting a date to meet. He may just need that kind of push to conquer his fears.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
We became great friends
Submitted on Monday, January 19, 2009
By: jenn
Age: 34
Location: ma
Question: I met a guy in September and we became great friends. We hung out a couple times a week and we talked about everything life, past and future, etc. He was so cool and always protective and just a good guy. He only liked me as a friend. One day he just stopped calling me. No texts, no hanging out. We had never fought and I am not sure why he would treat me like that. Do you think he found a girl or something? Just no reason to throw a friendship away.
VictorM's advice:
Even if he found a girlfriend, that would be no reason to text and explain. So even if that happened, that doesn't explain the sudden lack of contact.
Guys just don't seek out girls to be great friends with; there is usually an ulterior motive. Whatever that motive was, it seems he lost interest in it.
I'm inclined to believe that the "great friends" and "he only liked me as a friend," are your own conclusions, and not necessarily reflective of what was on his mind.
Unless you know for sure he's alive and well, maybe something bad happened to him. That is another possibility.
By: jenn
Age: 34
Location: ma
Question: I met a guy in September and we became great friends. We hung out a couple times a week and we talked about everything life, past and future, etc. He was so cool and always protective and just a good guy. He only liked me as a friend. One day he just stopped calling me. No texts, no hanging out. We had never fought and I am not sure why he would treat me like that. Do you think he found a girl or something? Just no reason to throw a friendship away.
VictorM's advice:
Even if he found a girlfriend, that would be no reason to text and explain. So even if that happened, that doesn't explain the sudden lack of contact.
Guys just don't seek out girls to be great friends with; there is usually an ulterior motive. Whatever that motive was, it seems he lost interest in it.
I'm inclined to believe that the "great friends" and "he only liked me as a friend," are your own conclusions, and not necessarily reflective of what was on his mind.
Unless you know for sure he's alive and well, maybe something bad happened to him. That is another possibility.
We have become very close and supportive friends
Submitted on Monday, January 19, 2009
By: karen
Age: 39
Location: Edinburgh
Question: Hi,
I have a close male friend who has been in my life since I was a little girl. He is fifteen years older than me. When I was in my twenties, we had a brief fling which we probably shouldn't have had as he had a girlfriend at the time, so we didn't repeat the exercise. Over the years, we have become very close and supportive friends to each other and speak frequently on a daily basis.
About eighteen months ago, he split with a girlfriend and was very upset. I was single at the time and offered a lot of support and he has since told friends that he doesn't think he could have gotten through that time without me. About five months ago, I split with my boyfriend and again, he has been supportive to me through that.
For the last six months though, he has been behaving a bit oddly. He would speak to me on the phone as normal but when I suggesting hooking up for coffee or a catch up, he would always make excuses. A few weeks ago around Christmas, I ran into him and he had quite a bit to drink. He made a huge fuss of me and asked if I would take some time out of my evening to talk to him. Out of the blue (he's very much a man who speaks the truth when he's got a drink in him)he said that he owed me an apology. He said that he had been avoiding physically meeting up with me because he had started to fancy me and wanted (in his drunken words!) to take me to bed. He said that he was scared of starting something like that up with me in case he messed up and then he would lose his dearest and closest friend. He said he admired me and loved me as a person and was amazed and proud at what I had achieved as a person.
I always knew he had time for me and was proud of me, but the feeling I got was that he had actually spent most of his evening with his friends talking about me, possibly prompted by me sending him some pics of me with a new makeover done re hair and clothese, but who knows?
I was surprised to say the least. I would love to try a relationship with him, but I feel confused by things that he has subsequently said and done. He has said that he sees himself being single now, doesn't think he'll have another relationship. Then he's invited me over to his house on quite a few occasions. His most recent invitation was for drinks and to "stay over if you like?".
So is he just after friends with benefits? Do I just sit him down and ask him if this is what he wants? I have to say if he said yes, my answer would be no. The other problem is that although on paper we would be great together, we are so familiar with each other that it is difficult to see how we would shift things from friendship to being a relationship if you get my drift? I don't see this as being a classic guy chase girl scenario, but I do think that some element of a courtship needs to be there in order for the chemistry to be right. Your thoughts would be most appreciated.
Karen
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to ask him if he's after friends with benefits; he basically has told you that's what he wants. But it sounds like he's only willing to consider the benefits at infrequent times, like when he's been drinking. At other times, friendship is all he's after.
By: karen
Age: 39
Location: Edinburgh
Question: Hi,
I have a close male friend who has been in my life since I was a little girl. He is fifteen years older than me. When I was in my twenties, we had a brief fling which we probably shouldn't have had as he had a girlfriend at the time, so we didn't repeat the exercise. Over the years, we have become very close and supportive friends to each other and speak frequently on a daily basis.
About eighteen months ago, he split with a girlfriend and was very upset. I was single at the time and offered a lot of support and he has since told friends that he doesn't think he could have gotten through that time without me. About five months ago, I split with my boyfriend and again, he has been supportive to me through that.
For the last six months though, he has been behaving a bit oddly. He would speak to me on the phone as normal but when I suggesting hooking up for coffee or a catch up, he would always make excuses. A few weeks ago around Christmas, I ran into him and he had quite a bit to drink. He made a huge fuss of me and asked if I would take some time out of my evening to talk to him. Out of the blue (he's very much a man who speaks the truth when he's got a drink in him)he said that he owed me an apology. He said that he had been avoiding physically meeting up with me because he had started to fancy me and wanted (in his drunken words!) to take me to bed. He said that he was scared of starting something like that up with me in case he messed up and then he would lose his dearest and closest friend. He said he admired me and loved me as a person and was amazed and proud at what I had achieved as a person.
I always knew he had time for me and was proud of me, but the feeling I got was that he had actually spent most of his evening with his friends talking about me, possibly prompted by me sending him some pics of me with a new makeover done re hair and clothese, but who knows?
I was surprised to say the least. I would love to try a relationship with him, but I feel confused by things that he has subsequently said and done. He has said that he sees himself being single now, doesn't think he'll have another relationship. Then he's invited me over to his house on quite a few occasions. His most recent invitation was for drinks and to "stay over if you like?".
So is he just after friends with benefits? Do I just sit him down and ask him if this is what he wants? I have to say if he said yes, my answer would be no. The other problem is that although on paper we would be great together, we are so familiar with each other that it is difficult to see how we would shift things from friendship to being a relationship if you get my drift? I don't see this as being a classic guy chase girl scenario, but I do think that some element of a courtship needs to be there in order for the chemistry to be right. Your thoughts would be most appreciated.
Karen
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to ask him if he's after friends with benefits; he basically has told you that's what he wants. But it sounds like he's only willing to consider the benefits at infrequent times, like when he's been drinking. At other times, friendship is all he's after.
He refuses to stop hanging
Submitted on Sunday, January 18, 2009
By: Jessica
Age: 16
Location: San Diego
Question: There's a guy who's a year older then me, who is my old neighbor and we hangout every weekend, and then I moved and he refuses to stop hanging even though were not neighbors. He teases me, stares at me, remembers the smallest things I say, gives me all the attention when I have friends over, texts me. I've asked him if he likes me and he said it wouldn't work out, but the reasons he said don't apply anymore. I don't want to ask him again...so what do I do? Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
He likes being with you and paying you attention but it doesn’t sound like he wants anything more than that.
That’s not unusual at all. Boys often like to enjoy the company of girls (yes, that’s plural, as more than one) and being tied to one girl ruins that. Boys aren’t as eager as girls to go steady.
By: Jessica
Age: 16
Location: San Diego
Question: There's a guy who's a year older then me, who is my old neighbor and we hangout every weekend, and then I moved and he refuses to stop hanging even though were not neighbors. He teases me, stares at me, remembers the smallest things I say, gives me all the attention when I have friends over, texts me. I've asked him if he likes me and he said it wouldn't work out, but the reasons he said don't apply anymore. I don't want to ask him again...so what do I do? Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
He likes being with you and paying you attention but it doesn’t sound like he wants anything more than that.
That’s not unusual at all. Boys often like to enjoy the company of girls (yes, that’s plural, as more than one) and being tied to one girl ruins that. Boys aren’t as eager as girls to go steady.
He has been trying to open his own software company
Submitted on Sunday, January 18, 2009
By: Laura
Age: 21
Location: London UK
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 16! We are getting married in 4 months. I’m paying for the wedding myself as he has no income. He has been trying to open his own software company for about 2 years now and says he's nearly there. He puts all his time and effort into his company. He wakes up at 10/11 in the morning and comes to bed a 4 in the mourning! He promises me things will change but they have only been getting worse. I live with him and HIS parents as i moved 200 miles from my home to be with him. I pay for everything, I live with HIS family, I’m away from EVERYONE I’ve ever known, gone from the English country side to EAST END LONDON, and he doesn’t see how hard it is for me and how not having any time with him breaks my heart! He takes me for granted. I don’t no what to do.. I’ve talked to him a million times but he just shouts because he’s tired and stressed out.. I feel so lonely. Why doesn’t he get it??! Why can't he find time for me??!!
VictorM's advice:
Come on, you’ve known all along his dream is to start the company. And guys are very single-focused when it comes to things like that. His mind is consumed with what he needs to do and it’s hard to break away from it. Of course, whether he succeeds or not, and how long it takes no one knows, but asking him to change for you sounds selfish.
You moved to East London of your own free will, you are getting married and paying for it of your own free will, you moved in with his parents of your own free will, so the questions you should be asking are: why are you getting married at this time and not after he makes his business succeed? Why are you staying if he has no time for you?
Yeah, I know, it’s easier to blame him for your situation instead of facing difficult choices, but face it, the ball in on your court. You have the power to make the right decisions for yourself.
But to answer your question: he doesn't find the time for you because you are not the priority. He knows that without all the extra work his business will never take off, but even without paying attention to you, you are still sticking around and even willing to pay for the whole wedding yourself.
By: Laura
Age: 21
Location: London UK
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 16! We are getting married in 4 months. I’m paying for the wedding myself as he has no income. He has been trying to open his own software company for about 2 years now and says he's nearly there. He puts all his time and effort into his company. He wakes up at 10/11 in the morning and comes to bed a 4 in the mourning! He promises me things will change but they have only been getting worse. I live with him and HIS parents as i moved 200 miles from my home to be with him. I pay for everything, I live with HIS family, I’m away from EVERYONE I’ve ever known, gone from the English country side to EAST END LONDON, and he doesn’t see how hard it is for me and how not having any time with him breaks my heart! He takes me for granted. I don’t no what to do.. I’ve talked to him a million times but he just shouts because he’s tired and stressed out.. I feel so lonely. Why doesn’t he get it??! Why can't he find time for me??!!
VictorM's advice:
Come on, you’ve known all along his dream is to start the company. And guys are very single-focused when it comes to things like that. His mind is consumed with what he needs to do and it’s hard to break away from it. Of course, whether he succeeds or not, and how long it takes no one knows, but asking him to change for you sounds selfish.
You moved to East London of your own free will, you are getting married and paying for it of your own free will, you moved in with his parents of your own free will, so the questions you should be asking are: why are you getting married at this time and not after he makes his business succeed? Why are you staying if he has no time for you?
Yeah, I know, it’s easier to blame him for your situation instead of facing difficult choices, but face it, the ball in on your court. You have the power to make the right decisions for yourself.
But to answer your question: he doesn't find the time for you because you are not the priority. He knows that without all the extra work his business will never take off, but even without paying attention to you, you are still sticking around and even willing to pay for the whole wedding yourself.
He was so cute, generous, kind and humble
Submitted on Sunday, January 18, 2009
By: Noura
Age: 24
Location: Lebanon
Question: I was dating a guy, he was so cute, generous, kind and humble, me and this guy we share a lot of differences like religion, culture, I liked him and I felt that he like me too, the problem he was so mysterious with me, maybe he doesn't trust me because we are in the same workplace that is not allowed us to like each other, he is responsible for his family, his father and brothers, our relation was a little bit bizarre cause we having sex, but no calls from him, he is always busy and I know that because of his position, but I know that if he wants to find time, he will find it,, so that's why I broke up with him, I felt like he is always saying to me sexy and beautiful and because of that he liked me, he is always staring at me a lot, he is turned on when I'm around, and now after I broke up with him and became friends not close, he is like smiling at me with a little upset, he is like blaming me for not being patient with him or something I don't know what he feels, but I was ready to have more in this relation, but he wasn't giving me anything, it's like he is afraid to be in love with me, or maybe he feels as weak,,tell me victor, Is it good decision to break up with him??
VictorM's advice:
Sure it is. Why? Because it’s the choice you made, and no one cares about your future as much as you do. If you found it necessary to break up, that’s the only reason you need. Besides, you have pretty good reason to believe you were being used for sex only and nothing else.
By: Noura
Age: 24
Location: Lebanon
Question: I was dating a guy, he was so cute, generous, kind and humble, me and this guy we share a lot of differences like religion, culture, I liked him and I felt that he like me too, the problem he was so mysterious with me, maybe he doesn't trust me because we are in the same workplace that is not allowed us to like each other, he is responsible for his family, his father and brothers, our relation was a little bit bizarre cause we having sex, but no calls from him, he is always busy and I know that because of his position, but I know that if he wants to find time, he will find it,, so that's why I broke up with him, I felt like he is always saying to me sexy and beautiful and because of that he liked me, he is always staring at me a lot, he is turned on when I'm around, and now after I broke up with him and became friends not close, he is like smiling at me with a little upset, he is like blaming me for not being patient with him or something I don't know what he feels, but I was ready to have more in this relation, but he wasn't giving me anything, it's like he is afraid to be in love with me, or maybe he feels as weak,,tell me victor, Is it good decision to break up with him??
VictorM's advice:
Sure it is. Why? Because it’s the choice you made, and no one cares about your future as much as you do. If you found it necessary to break up, that’s the only reason you need. Besides, you have pretty good reason to believe you were being used for sex only and nothing else.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
He seems completely indifferent
Submitted on Saturday, January 17, 2009
By: Amy
Age: 17
Location: Toronto, Canada
Question: Okay so I have feelings for this guy ("Harry"). And I'm not sure if he feels the same way. Normally I would just get up the guts to ask him but the thing is I work with Harry and it's a really small work place ( I work at a library and there are 11 of us), thus, it could get really awkward really quickly.
There are times when he is really nice and i have no doubt that he feels the same way I do but then there are other times when he seems completely indifferent and treats me like any other girl. So I'm not sure as to what I should do. I have tried getting over him and it hasnt worked (AT ALL). I can't stop thinking about him.
I really have no inclination whether our feelings are mutual. The other problem is is that he is three years older than me ( I am 17, he is 20) and I think that may be a problem... especially since he has a sister the same age as me. so I was thinking he may wait until next year when I am out of high school to make a move (as we will be at the same university- him engineering and myself pre-med) but I'm not sure about that either. I'm not sure whether he will make a move then - as he may not be the make the first move type of guy (he tends to be shy) and with him I don't want to ask because well, if he doesn't I will be a tad upset. We worked together last week and I'm really confused because we were talking and joking around and i said (jokingly) that I was mad at him and he was all don't worry you'll get over it in a second and then I was all "why?" and then he either said "your like my sister" or you remind me of my sister. Except on the other hand another girl at work told me that he said if he could date anyone from work he would date me. What the frig does all this mean?
I've never felt this way before and usually I don't- I tend to focus more on my studies- not boys.:) Also, if I make my feelings known and there is nothing there for him it will be really difficult to work with him from now on... Except on the other hand I wish I could make my feelings known.
VictorM's advice:
Shy guys often act indifferent towards the girl they like, so ignore that. The working environment could turn out to be a hassle if you confront him about this. But I also don't think you should ignore your feelings.
What I suggest you do is force him to make a decision about you... here's how: stand closer to him, hold your eye contact longer, touch him (if you don't do it now. By that I mean, touch his arm when you're making a point, or his shoulder if you walk from behind him), and do things that invite him to share time with you away from work, like for example, say you're going to the mall at certain time and if he's there to say hello to you, or mention that you'd like to go see a movie but none of your friends want to go and you hate to go alone (hoping he volunteers to go with you), that sorta thing.
Even if nothing happens now, you may be planting seeds for when you go to college.
By: Amy
Age: 17
Location: Toronto, Canada
Question: Okay so I have feelings for this guy ("Harry"). And I'm not sure if he feels the same way. Normally I would just get up the guts to ask him but the thing is I work with Harry and it's a really small work place ( I work at a library and there are 11 of us), thus, it could get really awkward really quickly.
There are times when he is really nice and i have no doubt that he feels the same way I do but then there are other times when he seems completely indifferent and treats me like any other girl. So I'm not sure as to what I should do. I have tried getting over him and it hasnt worked (AT ALL). I can't stop thinking about him.
I really have no inclination whether our feelings are mutual. The other problem is is that he is three years older than me ( I am 17, he is 20) and I think that may be a problem... especially since he has a sister the same age as me. so I was thinking he may wait until next year when I am out of high school to make a move (as we will be at the same university- him engineering and myself pre-med) but I'm not sure about that either. I'm not sure whether he will make a move then - as he may not be the make the first move type of guy (he tends to be shy) and with him I don't want to ask because well, if he doesn't I will be a tad upset. We worked together last week and I'm really confused because we were talking and joking around and i said (jokingly) that I was mad at him and he was all don't worry you'll get over it in a second and then I was all "why?" and then he either said "your like my sister" or you remind me of my sister. Except on the other hand another girl at work told me that he said if he could date anyone from work he would date me. What the frig does all this mean?
I've never felt this way before and usually I don't- I tend to focus more on my studies- not boys.:) Also, if I make my feelings known and there is nothing there for him it will be really difficult to work with him from now on... Except on the other hand I wish I could make my feelings known.
VictorM's advice:
Shy guys often act indifferent towards the girl they like, so ignore that. The working environment could turn out to be a hassle if you confront him about this. But I also don't think you should ignore your feelings.
What I suggest you do is force him to make a decision about you... here's how: stand closer to him, hold your eye contact longer, touch him (if you don't do it now. By that I mean, touch his arm when you're making a point, or his shoulder if you walk from behind him), and do things that invite him to share time with you away from work, like for example, say you're going to the mall at certain time and if he's there to say hello to you, or mention that you'd like to go see a movie but none of your friends want to go and you hate to go alone (hoping he volunteers to go with you), that sorta thing.
Even if nothing happens now, you may be planting seeds for when you go to college.
Getting the milk for free
Submitted on Saturday, January 17, 2009
By: Nicole
Age: 31
Location: Illinois
Question: Do guy's physical flings ever lead to real romance? Or is it the same old stereotype of not buying the cow when they're getting the milk for free?
VictorM's advice:
If a guy can get milk for free and still be free to get milk from other cows, he's going to choose this option more often than not.
By: Nicole
Age: 31
Location: Illinois
Question: Do guy's physical flings ever lead to real romance? Or is it the same old stereotype of not buying the cow when they're getting the milk for free?
VictorM's advice:
If a guy can get milk for free and still be free to get milk from other cows, he's going to choose this option more often than not.
If we were dating...
Submitted on Saturday, January 17, 2009
By: M
Age: 24
Location: NY
Question: I met a guy at my best friend's wedding and we have been talking for about a month and a half. We have talked on the phone, usually for at least an hour plus, facebook messaged each other, and texted each other. He keeps saying, "if we were dating..." and then goes on to say some kind of activity. Does this mean he wants to date me? But at the same time, that I will talk to this guy for a few days and then I won't hear from him for a couple days. Does this mean he doesn't like me? Also, I'm afraid that I'm coming on too fast when I told him I would like to date him and that I enjoyed being in his arms at this wedding.
VictorM's advice:
You met him at a wedding and that night you told him you'd like to date him and he still gives you the "if we were dating..." line? I'd say you either scared him or he really isn't that interested in dating you.
Do you see each other in person? Because if this is a long distance thing, the signs are clear -- he's just not interested.
By: M
Age: 24
Location: NY
Question: I met a guy at my best friend's wedding and we have been talking for about a month and a half. We have talked on the phone, usually for at least an hour plus, facebook messaged each other, and texted each other. He keeps saying, "if we were dating..." and then goes on to say some kind of activity. Does this mean he wants to date me? But at the same time, that I will talk to this guy for a few days and then I won't hear from him for a couple days. Does this mean he doesn't like me? Also, I'm afraid that I'm coming on too fast when I told him I would like to date him and that I enjoyed being in his arms at this wedding.
VictorM's advice:
You met him at a wedding and that night you told him you'd like to date him and he still gives you the "if we were dating..." line? I'd say you either scared him or he really isn't that interested in dating you.
Do you see each other in person? Because if this is a long distance thing, the signs are clear -- he's just not interested.
Am I just imaging things?
Submitted on Friday, January 16, 2009
By: Norielyn
Age: 17
Location: Guam
Question: Is all this real?...Or am I just imaging things? Should I tell him I Love Him to his face & Should I really believe that he would ever love me? Should I ask his friends for help on this?
I've loved this guy since 7th grade. I met him 6th grade and it seemed like he liked me even though he had a gf. In 7th grade, we were classmates & he would still show he liked me even wen he had a gf & he had a lot. He used to pull chairs out for me, flirt, talk to me a lot though I was the quiet kid but still talked to some of our classmates & opened up a bit. Then 8th grade came where I asked him out, but he said he was grounded then he had his friends ask me at school, but they were trying to get him to ask me out though he seemed scared or really shy.
I wasn't sure if it was for real so I didn't say yes even though I wanted too. Then I tried to move on from him, avoid him, etc... because he told my friend to tell me to stop buying him stuff because it's a waste of my money when I gave him something for valentines day. But the main point is he always tried to find a way to see or be near me and he would be sad around me as if he were saying sorry to me. I still liked him and his friends asked me if I want their help on getting us together to confirm he really does like me. I told them yea I still like him although me & him look at each other a lot because we were too shy to talk. Then High School came, we still pretty much like each other even wen we would like someone else it just seemed hard to talk to each other since we both knew we liked each other so I guess that adds pressure to it. His friends would look at me like they know that he does, he'd get jealous when it seemed like I like another guy, there have been times where he told me to just move on or for us to be just friends and I would say the same to him as well. He also hasn't had a gf since 8th grade till recently. Junior year he went out with his best friend(girl) & that really got to me. At first when they were going out, he seemed like he didn't like me anymore & later on I returned the favor, but when I did that he showed signs that he still does like me while still going out with her. Then his gf & his other best friend (guy) fell in love with each other and went out after the guy I like & her broke up because of that.
It's senior year now & you can really tell that he really is trying to get us to be together. I've never been in a relationship, but was always close to it not just with him but with other guys as well. I tried to go on dates to boost my confidence but so far the guys I was about to date, there always seems to be something that comes up and cancels our date.
I really do Love Him, I Honestly don't want to lose him, & I want to marry him, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high and have it crushed down by reality. What Do I do? I really want us to work even if we dont get married or even last long, but I really do us to.
VictorM's advice:
He told you not to buy you gifts and he has told you he wanted nothing with you but friendship. Every other conclusion of yours seems to be wishful thinking without much basis for it.
If you're going to go out with him before he gets out of high school, you better do it now. But do yourself a favor and don't say you're in love or want to marry him. Shoot for going to one movie once. Try that and don't get too far ahead of yourself because this guy doesn't seem as interested in you as you seem to think he is.
By: Norielyn
Age: 17
Location: Guam
Question: Is all this real?...Or am I just imaging things? Should I tell him I Love Him to his face & Should I really believe that he would ever love me? Should I ask his friends for help on this?
I've loved this guy since 7th grade. I met him 6th grade and it seemed like he liked me even though he had a gf. In 7th grade, we were classmates & he would still show he liked me even wen he had a gf & he had a lot. He used to pull chairs out for me, flirt, talk to me a lot though I was the quiet kid but still talked to some of our classmates & opened up a bit. Then 8th grade came where I asked him out, but he said he was grounded then he had his friends ask me at school, but they were trying to get him to ask me out though he seemed scared or really shy.
I wasn't sure if it was for real so I didn't say yes even though I wanted too. Then I tried to move on from him, avoid him, etc... because he told my friend to tell me to stop buying him stuff because it's a waste of my money when I gave him something for valentines day. But the main point is he always tried to find a way to see or be near me and he would be sad around me as if he were saying sorry to me. I still liked him and his friends asked me if I want their help on getting us together to confirm he really does like me. I told them yea I still like him although me & him look at each other a lot because we were too shy to talk. Then High School came, we still pretty much like each other even wen we would like someone else it just seemed hard to talk to each other since we both knew we liked each other so I guess that adds pressure to it. His friends would look at me like they know that he does, he'd get jealous when it seemed like I like another guy, there have been times where he told me to just move on or for us to be just friends and I would say the same to him as well. He also hasn't had a gf since 8th grade till recently. Junior year he went out with his best friend(girl) & that really got to me. At first when they were going out, he seemed like he didn't like me anymore & later on I returned the favor, but when I did that he showed signs that he still does like me while still going out with her. Then his gf & his other best friend (guy) fell in love with each other and went out after the guy I like & her broke up because of that.
It's senior year now & you can really tell that he really is trying to get us to be together. I've never been in a relationship, but was always close to it not just with him but with other guys as well. I tried to go on dates to boost my confidence but so far the guys I was about to date, there always seems to be something that comes up and cancels our date.
I really do Love Him, I Honestly don't want to lose him, & I want to marry him, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high and have it crushed down by reality. What Do I do? I really want us to work even if we dont get married or even last long, but I really do us to.
VictorM's advice:
He told you not to buy you gifts and he has told you he wanted nothing with you but friendship. Every other conclusion of yours seems to be wishful thinking without much basis for it.
If you're going to go out with him before he gets out of high school, you better do it now. But do yourself a favor and don't say you're in love or want to marry him. Shoot for going to one movie once. Try that and don't get too far ahead of yourself because this guy doesn't seem as interested in you as you seem to think he is.
Monday, January 19, 2009
My boyfriend and I always play fight all the time
Submitted on Thursday, January 15, 2009
By: Chariee
Age: 18
Location: california
Question: My boyfriend and I always play fight all the time but lately i've noticed that sometimes he does hit me pretty hard. He doesn't do it in a mean way but hard enough to leave red marks and a few times a big hand print. He does apologize when it happens though. Sometimes I'll tell him to stop and he says something like, "oh is the little baby gonna cry" and laugh and keep doing whatever he's doing for a few seconds. He's not the angry or violent type, but i started wondering if he did get mad enough do you think he would ever hit me violently? I know you don't know anything about him but what do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Barring other information about him, I would not jump to the conclusion that he could be actually violent based on his playful behavior. One thing has nothing to do with the other. It just seems that as he gets more comfortable with you he's treating you more like one of the guys. He's playing with you the way guys often play with each other.
You two should calmly talk about this. If you're going to continue this kind of playful behavior, you should have clear cut boundaries, such as no mocking or when one says stop is means stop. The time to talk about it is when you're calm.
By: Chariee
Age: 18
Location: california
Question: My boyfriend and I always play fight all the time but lately i've noticed that sometimes he does hit me pretty hard. He doesn't do it in a mean way but hard enough to leave red marks and a few times a big hand print. He does apologize when it happens though. Sometimes I'll tell him to stop and he says something like, "oh is the little baby gonna cry" and laugh and keep doing whatever he's doing for a few seconds. He's not the angry or violent type, but i started wondering if he did get mad enough do you think he would ever hit me violently? I know you don't know anything about him but what do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Barring other information about him, I would not jump to the conclusion that he could be actually violent based on his playful behavior. One thing has nothing to do with the other. It just seems that as he gets more comfortable with you he's treating you more like one of the guys. He's playing with you the way guys often play with each other.
You two should calmly talk about this. If you're going to continue this kind of playful behavior, you should have clear cut boundaries, such as no mocking or when one says stop is means stop. The time to talk about it is when you're calm.
I'm a very sexual girl
Submitted on Thursday, January 15, 2009
By: Shay
Age: 18
Location: california
Question: Okay im gonna try and keep this simple, the thing is that I'm a very sexual girl. Past boyfriends have always wanted to do it practically all the time, which ended up getting annoying and making me think that's all they wanted from me. Well my current boyfriend is total opposite. He never makes the first move, or tries anything first. When we started dating we did it quite often, and now that we're living together he NEVER wants to. its been nearly 2 weeks and we've only done it twice, and only because i started it. A few times we have started doing stuff and i stopped making all the moves to see what he would do and he didnt do anything! He just laid there and eventually feel asleep! I asked him why, and he said he's not the type of guy that wants to 24/7. Its getting to the point now that when i start touching him he pushes my hand away and says not right now. Its so frustrating and starting to take a toll on me. Now im starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me, and he's not finding me attractive anymore or if he's just really not into doing it all the time. And just the other day i found a naked picture of a girl in his phone from a week after we started dating. I haven't said anything about it because i was snooping but now I'm wondering if he's talking to other girls maybe and is falling out of love with me. i don't know, I'm so confused. Do you really think he just doesn't like to all the time or is there something else going on? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing wrong with you but he seems to have lost interest in you. If he was never that sexually active it would be one thing, but according to you, you two were quite sexually active earlier on. The change alone is a strong sign that he's not into you anymore.
By: Shay
Age: 18
Location: california
Question: Okay im gonna try and keep this simple, the thing is that I'm a very sexual girl. Past boyfriends have always wanted to do it practically all the time, which ended up getting annoying and making me think that's all they wanted from me. Well my current boyfriend is total opposite. He never makes the first move, or tries anything first. When we started dating we did it quite often, and now that we're living together he NEVER wants to. its been nearly 2 weeks and we've only done it twice, and only because i started it. A few times we have started doing stuff and i stopped making all the moves to see what he would do and he didnt do anything! He just laid there and eventually feel asleep! I asked him why, and he said he's not the type of guy that wants to 24/7. Its getting to the point now that when i start touching him he pushes my hand away and says not right now. Its so frustrating and starting to take a toll on me. Now im starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me, and he's not finding me attractive anymore or if he's just really not into doing it all the time. And just the other day i found a naked picture of a girl in his phone from a week after we started dating. I haven't said anything about it because i was snooping but now I'm wondering if he's talking to other girls maybe and is falling out of love with me. i don't know, I'm so confused. Do you really think he just doesn't like to all the time or is there something else going on? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing wrong with you but he seems to have lost interest in you. If he was never that sexually active it would be one thing, but according to you, you two were quite sexually active earlier on. The change alone is a strong sign that he's not into you anymore.
Emotional or temper problems
Submitted on Thursday, January 15, 2009
By: Jazmin
Location: USA
Question: I have been dating this guy for 6 months now and he seems to suffer from some sort of either emotional or temper problems such as when we talk on the phone on occasions, everything will be going smoothly even though we have our awkward moments of silence he will all a sudden start getting aggravated or mad over something I have no idea what he is referring to because it will be totally off topic. So I calmly tell him sweetie I have no idea what you are talking about could you please explain, that seems not to work because he gets more angry so I just tell him I will call him back later when he has cooled off some. He calls back 2 minutes later and asks why did I hang up the phone in his OH so sweet voice as if nothing happened to tell you the truth he seems like 2 different people at times.
He has a job where he has to move at certain times so up until now we have been of and on back in November he called me one day saying that I’m thinking about asking this girl out…I got a little upset over the phone and told him why didn’t you plan on telling me you wanted out, he had no answer and told me he had to go, a few days later he calls back and tells me oh! You know I should be on a date right now I was like okay then why aren’t you? His response was because I got upset. Should I move on or stay and see if I can potentially get him focused, we have been friends before we started dating so I have always been the person he came to for help I’m really confused, but I’m tired of being his everything when sometimes I just feel like an option to him.
VictorM's advice:
Hell YES, you should move on. Really, why wouldn't you? Why on earth even consider tying your future and happiness to such a guy?
By: Jazmin
Location: USA
Question: I have been dating this guy for 6 months now and he seems to suffer from some sort of either emotional or temper problems such as when we talk on the phone on occasions, everything will be going smoothly even though we have our awkward moments of silence he will all a sudden start getting aggravated or mad over something I have no idea what he is referring to because it will be totally off topic. So I calmly tell him sweetie I have no idea what you are talking about could you please explain, that seems not to work because he gets more angry so I just tell him I will call him back later when he has cooled off some. He calls back 2 minutes later and asks why did I hang up the phone in his OH so sweet voice as if nothing happened to tell you the truth he seems like 2 different people at times.
He has a job where he has to move at certain times so up until now we have been of and on back in November he called me one day saying that I’m thinking about asking this girl out…I got a little upset over the phone and told him why didn’t you plan on telling me you wanted out, he had no answer and told me he had to go, a few days later he calls back and tells me oh! You know I should be on a date right now I was like okay then why aren’t you? His response was because I got upset. Should I move on or stay and see if I can potentially get him focused, we have been friends before we started dating so I have always been the person he came to for help I’m really confused, but I’m tired of being his everything when sometimes I just feel like an option to him.
VictorM's advice:
Hell YES, you should move on. Really, why wouldn't you? Why on earth even consider tying your future and happiness to such a guy?
But....he hasn't kissed me yet
Submitted on Thursday, January 15, 2009
By: Julie
Age: 24
Location: NYC
Question: I have been seeing a guy for almost 2 months. Things are going extremely well. I have met his family and have been introduced to his friends. We have great conversations on the phone, as well as in person. Things are moving along slowly, which is actually fine with me. But....he hasn't kissed me yet. We do have other physical contact - just the usual flirty touching and we have finally progressed to cuddling. I appreciate the fact that we are getting to know each other and not just jumping into things. But, I'm eager and excited for our first kiss! I've been told to just grab him and plant one on him while others have said to wait. I feel that if things seem to be moving in a natural progression, that the first kiss will come...eventually. I could ask you "Why hasn't he kissed me yet? Is something wrong?" but I'm more asking if you feel if it would be better to wait it out or just initiate the kiss myself (though I would rather him make the move first!) Ideas??
VictorM's advice:
Hell, go for the kiss! You're in your mid twenties, have been seeing each other for 2 months, you cuddle... a kiss would be more than normal. It strikes me as somewhat odd that it hasn't happened. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong, but if there is, the sooner you find out, the better. Go for the kiss and see what happens.
By: Julie
Age: 24
Location: NYC
Question: I have been seeing a guy for almost 2 months. Things are going extremely well. I have met his family and have been introduced to his friends. We have great conversations on the phone, as well as in person. Things are moving along slowly, which is actually fine with me. But....he hasn't kissed me yet. We do have other physical contact - just the usual flirty touching and we have finally progressed to cuddling. I appreciate the fact that we are getting to know each other and not just jumping into things. But, I'm eager and excited for our first kiss! I've been told to just grab him and plant one on him while others have said to wait. I feel that if things seem to be moving in a natural progression, that the first kiss will come...eventually. I could ask you "Why hasn't he kissed me yet? Is something wrong?" but I'm more asking if you feel if it would be better to wait it out or just initiate the kiss myself (though I would rather him make the move first!) Ideas??
VictorM's advice:
Hell, go for the kiss! You're in your mid twenties, have been seeing each other for 2 months, you cuddle... a kiss would be more than normal. It strikes me as somewhat odd that it hasn't happened. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong, but if there is, the sooner you find out, the better. Go for the kiss and see what happens.
He is a very protective friend
Submitted on Thursday, January 15, 2009
By: Susan
Age: 40
Location: CA
Question: I met a guy back in Sept and we became close friends. Since day one we talked about everything. Past relationships, what we want in the future etc. He is a very protective friend. Says he would never let anyone hurt or disrespect me. We hang out a few times a week and I made the mistake of telling him how I feel about him. Things haven't changed we are still good friends. He says he isn't ready for a relationship and due to work has no time. But he spoke about asking a girl out. So I know he only has friendship feelings for me without him saying it. But i get mixed signals. Guys don't talk about their life and loves and tell personal things if they don't like you. He also sits very close to me and touches my leg and arm when he talks to me. He tells me i am such a good person and i am pretty and etc. Should i maybe separate myself from him for awhile? How do i recover and put my feelings aside when i keep getting mixed signals. Our friendship means something but i cannot keep putting myself last its not healthy this up and down stuff
VictorM's advice:
There are no mixed signals; the guy likes you as a person, probably likes you physically (sitting close and touching legs), but has not developed romantic feelings, at least not yet, which is normal because males are much slower than females at reaching that point. Meanwhile, you spilled the beans on your feelings and he's enjoying your attention. Males love being around females who like them, it's very good for their ego.
Since he didn't run away from you when you expressed your feelings, it's quite possible that he may reciprocate those feelings. So you might want to stick around, continuing to be friends and sitting close with legs touching. There's seems to be a spark there that can still ignite a romance. Just be patient... and seductive.
By: Susan
Age: 40
Location: CA
Question: I met a guy back in Sept and we became close friends. Since day one we talked about everything. Past relationships, what we want in the future etc. He is a very protective friend. Says he would never let anyone hurt or disrespect me. We hang out a few times a week and I made the mistake of telling him how I feel about him. Things haven't changed we are still good friends. He says he isn't ready for a relationship and due to work has no time. But he spoke about asking a girl out. So I know he only has friendship feelings for me without him saying it. But i get mixed signals. Guys don't talk about their life and loves and tell personal things if they don't like you. He also sits very close to me and touches my leg and arm when he talks to me. He tells me i am such a good person and i am pretty and etc. Should i maybe separate myself from him for awhile? How do i recover and put my feelings aside when i keep getting mixed signals. Our friendship means something but i cannot keep putting myself last its not healthy this up and down stuff
VictorM's advice:
There are no mixed signals; the guy likes you as a person, probably likes you physically (sitting close and touching legs), but has not developed romantic feelings, at least not yet, which is normal because males are much slower than females at reaching that point. Meanwhile, you spilled the beans on your feelings and he's enjoying your attention. Males love being around females who like them, it's very good for their ego.
Since he didn't run away from you when you expressed your feelings, it's quite possible that he may reciprocate those feelings. So you might want to stick around, continuing to be friends and sitting close with legs touching. There's seems to be a spark there that can still ignite a romance. Just be patient... and seductive.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I'm fine with guys flirting with me
Submitted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009
By: Tessa
Age: 21
Location: NC
Question: I'm a very calm, cool, and collected person. I like having fun just as much as the next person, but I've come to realize something. Guys my age flirt with me for one of the following reasons
1)they want sex
2)they enjoy flirting around
3)they are bored
I'm fine with guys flirting with me, but it gets tiring when you want to get into a relationship and let yourself fall for the guy. I've had hurtful experiences in the past when I've let myself fall really hard for a guy and he never responded with the same feelings.
Is there an age when guys decide they want a relationship?
When do guys finally commit to a girl?
What makes them commit to that girl?
VictorM's advice:
We know that people are getting into marriage at a much later age than our parents did. So the period of playing around seems to be extending well into late 20's or even more.
But regardless of age, guys commit when the attraction for the girl is not any of the three reasons you listed above and they really have developed feelings for her. The thing is that guys take longer to develop feelings than girls do, and consequently, it's easier for a guy to walk away from a relationship.
You're not going to be changing guys and making them commit earlier on anymore than you're going to be able to stop yourself from developing feelings. So you're bound to keep experiencing disappointments until you find a good match.
By: Tessa
Age: 21
Location: NC
Question: I'm a very calm, cool, and collected person. I like having fun just as much as the next person, but I've come to realize something. Guys my age flirt with me for one of the following reasons
1)they want sex
2)they enjoy flirting around
3)they are bored
I'm fine with guys flirting with me, but it gets tiring when you want to get into a relationship and let yourself fall for the guy. I've had hurtful experiences in the past when I've let myself fall really hard for a guy and he never responded with the same feelings.
Is there an age when guys decide they want a relationship?
When do guys finally commit to a girl?
What makes them commit to that girl?
VictorM's advice:
We know that people are getting into marriage at a much later age than our parents did. So the period of playing around seems to be extending well into late 20's or even more.
But regardless of age, guys commit when the attraction for the girl is not any of the three reasons you listed above and they really have developed feelings for her. The thing is that guys take longer to develop feelings than girls do, and consequently, it's easier for a guy to walk away from a relationship.
You're not going to be changing guys and making them commit earlier on anymore than you're going to be able to stop yourself from developing feelings. So you're bound to keep experiencing disappointments until you find a good match.
Hey F, there's your girlfriend [My Name]
Submitted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009
By: K
Question: I'm interested in this guy, F. We talk everyday at lunch and he is very shy. We went to a movie last week with a few friends and we cuddled a little but it didn't really progress from there. I was standing outside of school, and F and his friend walked near me. His friend didn't think I was within earshot, because I barely heard, but he said "Hey F, there's your girlfriend [My Name]". Is that a good or a bad thing?
VictorM's advice:
It's a good thing as long as there was no sarcasm in that statement. Either way, what others think doesn't matter; only what you and him think matters.
By: K
Question: I'm interested in this guy, F. We talk everyday at lunch and he is very shy. We went to a movie last week with a few friends and we cuddled a little but it didn't really progress from there. I was standing outside of school, and F and his friend walked near me. His friend didn't think I was within earshot, because I barely heard, but he said "Hey F, there's your girlfriend [My Name]". Is that a good or a bad thing?
VictorM's advice:
It's a good thing as long as there was no sarcasm in that statement. Either way, what others think doesn't matter; only what you and him think matters.
We stopped talking
ubmitted by
() on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 16:50:33
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By: brittney
Age: 15
Question: now this is a really long story. well there's this boy named ryan and i talked to him last year which is pretty much dating without the title for like 7 months. but the only reason we know each other is because our best friends dated. and then we stared liking each other:) and i really liked him a lot and i mean a lot. but then when our friends stopped dating each other, we stopped talking. and i don't know why. well then i just tried to blow it off like it was no big deal because it was over the summer but the truth is that i still loved him just as much and even now i love him and the only words we say to each other are hi and just friend talk:( occasionally. it bugs me so much because i have to have to hold my feelings in. the other day i was talking to him on aim and he asked me if i still liked him and the answer was yes but i was scared to tell him my heart was beating so hard i thought that it was going to pop out of my chest and then i finally got the courage to tell him and all he said was its okay i under stand.(he is 2 years older than me) he was the first boy that i was ever serious about and it so hard for me to let go and i just wanna tell him that i want him back and how much i love him but im scared and i really just wanna know how to get him back cause i cant take this anymore and when i try to like someone else i just cant cause i love him so much and i have to see him every day and when i see him i just wanna cry cause i love him so so much and i really need help with this and i just wanna know how to get him back because i love him so so so so much please help me get him back thats all i want
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age can draw as much consolation from knowing a girl likes them as actually spending time with them. That's because it strokes their ego and also leaves them free to get on with other girls.
So, hold back on saying or letting him know that you like him that much, but at the same time, it seems you really stopped talking for no valid reason, so what you should look to do is spend fun times with him, without all the gooey talk about love. Invite him to a movie or something like that. Just try to have fun, laugh, and just have a good time.
() on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 at 16:50:33
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By: brittney
Age: 15
Question: now this is a really long story. well there's this boy named ryan and i talked to him last year which is pretty much dating without the title for like 7 months. but the only reason we know each other is because our best friends dated. and then we stared liking each other:) and i really liked him a lot and i mean a lot. but then when our friends stopped dating each other, we stopped talking. and i don't know why. well then i just tried to blow it off like it was no big deal because it was over the summer but the truth is that i still loved him just as much and even now i love him and the only words we say to each other are hi and just friend talk:( occasionally. it bugs me so much because i have to have to hold my feelings in. the other day i was talking to him on aim and he asked me if i still liked him and the answer was yes but i was scared to tell him my heart was beating so hard i thought that it was going to pop out of my chest and then i finally got the courage to tell him and all he said was its okay i under stand.(he is 2 years older than me) he was the first boy that i was ever serious about and it so hard for me to let go and i just wanna tell him that i want him back and how much i love him but im scared and i really just wanna know how to get him back cause i cant take this anymore and when i try to like someone else i just cant cause i love him so much and i have to see him every day and when i see him i just wanna cry cause i love him so so much and i really need help with this and i just wanna know how to get him back because i love him so so so so much please help me get him back thats all i want
VictorM's advice:
Boys around your age can draw as much consolation from knowing a girl likes them as actually spending time with them. That's because it strokes their ego and also leaves them free to get on with other girls.
So, hold back on saying or letting him know that you like him that much, but at the same time, it seems you really stopped talking for no valid reason, so what you should look to do is spend fun times with him, without all the gooey talk about love. Invite him to a movie or something like that. Just try to have fun, laugh, and just have a good time.
He is inviting all his friends
Submitted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009
By: alexis
Age: 24
Location: New Jersey
Question: It's our 3 year anniversary today and we made plans to go out, the next thing I know he is inviting all his friends to go too... I told him I wanted it to just be us and now I'm the bad guy. Why does he insist on inviting people along and why can't he see that it means more to me to have us just share this day together?
VictorM's advice:
You want to spend it alone and he wants a large group. Why do you assume that things have to be exactly as you want? Why can't you have it his way? Sounds to me that an open discussion about it would be wiser than just the assumption that your way is the way it should be.
And what kind of friends are these that don't smack him up upside the head for not celebrating with just you? Do they know it's an anniversary? Is it possible that they invited themselves and your boyfriend just feels bad about saying no?
No matter what, he has to be a moron to not recognize that relationship anniversaries should be a thing for the couple to do alone. Since this is the third anniversary I'm assuming you spent that last two alone. So what does this say now? Sounds to me like his concept of fun doesn't include just you two anymore. If my assumptions are right, I would say you have bigger problems than just the celebration of an anniversary; I have to believe you're having problems sharing intimacy between you two.
But in any case, I think this requires a conversation between you two that is calm but assertive on your part, with an explanation why this should be a two-party outing. He may just be giving in to peer pressure to go as a group and you need to assert yourself in this regard in a way that he understands that your feelings should supersede that of his friends. Using your powers of persuasion will be more successful than your powers of accusation.
By: alexis
Age: 24
Location: New Jersey
Question: It's our 3 year anniversary today and we made plans to go out, the next thing I know he is inviting all his friends to go too... I told him I wanted it to just be us and now I'm the bad guy. Why does he insist on inviting people along and why can't he see that it means more to me to have us just share this day together?
VictorM's advice:
You want to spend it alone and he wants a large group. Why do you assume that things have to be exactly as you want? Why can't you have it his way? Sounds to me that an open discussion about it would be wiser than just the assumption that your way is the way it should be.
And what kind of friends are these that don't smack him up upside the head for not celebrating with just you? Do they know it's an anniversary? Is it possible that they invited themselves and your boyfriend just feels bad about saying no?
No matter what, he has to be a moron to not recognize that relationship anniversaries should be a thing for the couple to do alone. Since this is the third anniversary I'm assuming you spent that last two alone. So what does this say now? Sounds to me like his concept of fun doesn't include just you two anymore. If my assumptions are right, I would say you have bigger problems than just the celebration of an anniversary; I have to believe you're having problems sharing intimacy between you two.
But in any case, I think this requires a conversation between you two that is calm but assertive on your part, with an explanation why this should be a two-party outing. He may just be giving in to peer pressure to go as a group and you need to assert yourself in this regard in a way that he understands that your feelings should supersede that of his friends. Using your powers of persuasion will be more successful than your powers of accusation.
I have a soft spot for him
Submitted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009
By: Minky
Age: 29
Location: South Africa
Question: Round about 2006, I emailed you regarding my then boyfriend who is the father of my child (now 5). My then then boyfriend wanted to live apart to work on our issues. That didn't last more too long till he finally ended things with me. I'll admit, I have a soft spot for him, to my detriment. Needless to say we remained apart for the whole of 2006. I'll admit that I never really moved on. Sharing the same circle of friends didn't help matter either. Naturally, he dated other women, this totally tore me apart and you'd think that that alone would have put me off of him for life, but it didn't.
In January 2007, my "wish" came true. He came to me wanting to reconcile, get back together. I of course, said yes, after all, this is all I ever wanted. Anyways, the getting back together thing wasn't a walk in the part. I kept on seeing him in my head with all of these women he'd been with, but I never made that his problem, I dealt with that on my own. 2007 was very challenging. He moved back home immediately after reconciling with me, our baby and myself were so happy.
For 6 whole months, he tried. Then, I made the terrible mistake of accusing him of cheating (he has done so in the past). My boyfriend reacted by shutting me out of his life for 7 months. This involved him never telling me where he was, or giving me answers like, "i'm with people I want to be with". Eventually after lots of pleading on my side he "came around" and things returned to "normal".
In September 2008 my boyfriend and two of his friends started a business together. This involved lots of meeting i.e him not being at home. I had no problems with that. I started to question things when he didn't spend my birthday with me (instead he chose to be with his managers) and for a month solid he'd leave our house at 17h00 and return home at 03h00 the next morning, no explanations as to what was going on. I asked and he would just say meetings. I confronted the two business partners about these meetings that take place on Sundays, and they both didn't know what I was talking about.
Anyways, when I confronted my boyfriend, he reacted by moving into our daughters bedroom and eventually, the Saturday before christmas, he broke up with me. He told me that he couldn't give me the life that I wanted. He said that I'd addressed all of his concerns i.e my weight (I lost 14kg's in 4 months), lots of gym and watching what I ate. He said that he realized that I was never the problem and that the problem lay with him.
I left the house for Xmas and went to another part of the country to visit some relatives over the festive season. I came back thinking I could endure one more month of living with him. Last Saturday I asked him again to please clarify why he broke up with me. He told me that people were judging him too harshly and that he was not in control of things. He also told me that how could he build a life and be happy with me when he wasn't ok within himself. He then went on to telling me that even though he won't get into a serious relationship with anyone now, he didn't know what would happen in two years from now.
My problem is that I don't believe anything he's telling me regarding his reasons for the break up. I asked him to move out this Monday, which he did. He really acted strange for the two or three months leading up to the break up. Never going anywhere in and around the house without his mobile. Things just indicating that he's seeing someone else. I know its over, I could just kick myself for thinking he had changed.
He has moved on with his life and I'm left here in a mess, (my own fault for taking him back). How do I deal with myself now. I'm just so sad and lost. I feel so disrespected and undervalued by him. He stands there and tells me that he loves me, yet his actions say otherwise. How do I move passed this. I found a new place for myself and my daughter and I've asked him not to contact me unless it has something to do with our daughter.
Please give me some words of advice. I really needs some help on coping with this. I should have known better, but I guess I chose to believe that people can change. I was very wrong and I'm the one who is paying.
VictorM's advice:
"I feel so disrespected and undervalued by him"... as long as you allow his opinion to be the judgment of your worth, you are doomed to be sad an unhappy. How can you let a man who is so flawed, so weak, and so selfish to play a role in how you feel about yourself? I mean, what does he know about value when it comes to women? Nothing!
You are right not to believe anything he says. Not only are guys notorious for saying anything to make things easier on themselves, you have many years worth of experiences with him to know the track record of this one guy in particular.
Look, you placed a lot of hope on this reconciliation. It is natural that you feel disappointed and sad for the outcome. Having your dreams go up in smoke can be devastating and only a cold-hearted person could walk away unfazed.
You have every right to feel how you do, but you'll not get out of it as long as you give him power over you -- and make no mistake about it, you are giving him that power. He's hardly worthy of that honor.
By: Minky
Age: 29
Location: South Africa
Question: Round about 2006, I emailed you regarding my then boyfriend who is the father of my child (now 5). My then then boyfriend wanted to live apart to work on our issues. That didn't last more too long till he finally ended things with me. I'll admit, I have a soft spot for him, to my detriment. Needless to say we remained apart for the whole of 2006. I'll admit that I never really moved on. Sharing the same circle of friends didn't help matter either. Naturally, he dated other women, this totally tore me apart and you'd think that that alone would have put me off of him for life, but it didn't.
In January 2007, my "wish" came true. He came to me wanting to reconcile, get back together. I of course, said yes, after all, this is all I ever wanted. Anyways, the getting back together thing wasn't a walk in the part. I kept on seeing him in my head with all of these women he'd been with, but I never made that his problem, I dealt with that on my own. 2007 was very challenging. He moved back home immediately after reconciling with me, our baby and myself were so happy.
For 6 whole months, he tried. Then, I made the terrible mistake of accusing him of cheating (he has done so in the past). My boyfriend reacted by shutting me out of his life for 7 months. This involved him never telling me where he was, or giving me answers like, "i'm with people I want to be with". Eventually after lots of pleading on my side he "came around" and things returned to "normal".
In September 2008 my boyfriend and two of his friends started a business together. This involved lots of meeting i.e him not being at home. I had no problems with that. I started to question things when he didn't spend my birthday with me (instead he chose to be with his managers) and for a month solid he'd leave our house at 17h00 and return home at 03h00 the next morning, no explanations as to what was going on. I asked and he would just say meetings. I confronted the two business partners about these meetings that take place on Sundays, and they both didn't know what I was talking about.
Anyways, when I confronted my boyfriend, he reacted by moving into our daughters bedroom and eventually, the Saturday before christmas, he broke up with me. He told me that he couldn't give me the life that I wanted. He said that I'd addressed all of his concerns i.e my weight (I lost 14kg's in 4 months), lots of gym and watching what I ate. He said that he realized that I was never the problem and that the problem lay with him.
I left the house for Xmas and went to another part of the country to visit some relatives over the festive season. I came back thinking I could endure one more month of living with him. Last Saturday I asked him again to please clarify why he broke up with me. He told me that people were judging him too harshly and that he was not in control of things. He also told me that how could he build a life and be happy with me when he wasn't ok within himself. He then went on to telling me that even though he won't get into a serious relationship with anyone now, he didn't know what would happen in two years from now.
My problem is that I don't believe anything he's telling me regarding his reasons for the break up. I asked him to move out this Monday, which he did. He really acted strange for the two or three months leading up to the break up. Never going anywhere in and around the house without his mobile. Things just indicating that he's seeing someone else. I know its over, I could just kick myself for thinking he had changed.
He has moved on with his life and I'm left here in a mess, (my own fault for taking him back). How do I deal with myself now. I'm just so sad and lost. I feel so disrespected and undervalued by him. He stands there and tells me that he loves me, yet his actions say otherwise. How do I move passed this. I found a new place for myself and my daughter and I've asked him not to contact me unless it has something to do with our daughter.
Please give me some words of advice. I really needs some help on coping with this. I should have known better, but I guess I chose to believe that people can change. I was very wrong and I'm the one who is paying.
VictorM's advice:
"I feel so disrespected and undervalued by him"... as long as you allow his opinion to be the judgment of your worth, you are doomed to be sad an unhappy. How can you let a man who is so flawed, so weak, and so selfish to play a role in how you feel about yourself? I mean, what does he know about value when it comes to women? Nothing!
You are right not to believe anything he says. Not only are guys notorious for saying anything to make things easier on themselves, you have many years worth of experiences with him to know the track record of this one guy in particular.
Look, you placed a lot of hope on this reconciliation. It is natural that you feel disappointed and sad for the outcome. Having your dreams go up in smoke can be devastating and only a cold-hearted person could walk away unfazed.
You have every right to feel how you do, but you'll not get out of it as long as you give him power over you -- and make no mistake about it, you are giving him that power. He's hardly worthy of that honor.
This guy has been through 2 horrible marriages
Submitted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009
By: brooke
Age: 30
Location: alabama
Question: I have been dating a wonderful guy for about 4 months now. We were friends for about a year before that, until he got up the courage to ask me out.
A little background...this guy has been through 2 horrible marriages/divorces in which he was badly hurt. He has never said that he will not marry again, just that it is something not on his mind at the moment (which I understand).
We met about a year ago when our sons were on the same baseball team. There was always a connection there and after we started dating, I thought things were perfect. (He even said how amazing it is that we are so great together). He has joint custody of his kids, but he would always come over to my place any night he didn't have them. Things were great! Or so I thought...
Right after Christmas, he started acting a little distant, but still telling me how great things were with us. Earlier this week, after a romantic evening together, I decided that while he was relaxed, I'd ask the "Are you still interested in this relationship" question. I didn't expect the response I got. He said that he is still having a great time with me and there is a lot of chemistry there. Then came the "but"..He said that he feels guilty that he comes over late at night all the time after the kids go to bed and that he isn't sure where he wants his life to head. He followed that up by saying he is scared. I told him I was not upset, but was not asking him to come over anymore... he would have to tell me if he wants to see me. He has called and sent texts almost like normal since then. No mention of the talk we had at all or of wanting to see me.
Here is my question..I'm confused: What did he mean by what he said? Is he just not interested? Was that his way of breaking things off? Does he just need time? I (while trying not to) fell in love with this man and it hurts to not know where we stand. I don't know whether to act normal around him or tell him I need to know how he feels. Giving him time is not a problem if I know he needs it..
VictorM's advice:
It is entirely possible that his two divorces are the fault of his ex-wives, but even if it was so, he's at least responsible for having rotten judgment in the selection of mates. But come on, that's not very likely. Chances are that his ex-wives thought he was a wonderful guy and then it didn't pan out that way. I'm not saying he should be a throw-away because he has two failed marriages, but it's at least sensible to take longer and get to know the guy much better before settling on the "wonderful guy" label.
Most guys are very reluctant to tell a woman something they know she doesn't want to hear. So they try to do it slowly or sugar coat what they are feeling. This is why, when there is a "but..." involved, you can pretty much ignore everything that comes after it. Most guys will engage in all sort of contortions to not come across as the bad guys and to let you down easy. But in your case, the answer is plain and clear: you left it up to him to come visit you at night and he hasn't since. Frankly, how much more obvious does he have to make it that his interest has cooled off?
It's understandable for him to be scared and want to step back. You'd be wise to take the opportunity to remove your rose colored glasses and allow this relationship to developed more slowly, if it goes anywhere at all.
By: brooke
Age: 30
Location: alabama
Question: I have been dating a wonderful guy for about 4 months now. We were friends for about a year before that, until he got up the courage to ask me out.
A little background...this guy has been through 2 horrible marriages/divorces in which he was badly hurt. He has never said that he will not marry again, just that it is something not on his mind at the moment (which I understand).
We met about a year ago when our sons were on the same baseball team. There was always a connection there and after we started dating, I thought things were perfect. (He even said how amazing it is that we are so great together). He has joint custody of his kids, but he would always come over to my place any night he didn't have them. Things were great! Or so I thought...
Right after Christmas, he started acting a little distant, but still telling me how great things were with us. Earlier this week, after a romantic evening together, I decided that while he was relaxed, I'd ask the "Are you still interested in this relationship" question. I didn't expect the response I got. He said that he is still having a great time with me and there is a lot of chemistry there. Then came the "but"..He said that he feels guilty that he comes over late at night all the time after the kids go to bed and that he isn't sure where he wants his life to head. He followed that up by saying he is scared. I told him I was not upset, but was not asking him to come over anymore... he would have to tell me if he wants to see me. He has called and sent texts almost like normal since then. No mention of the talk we had at all or of wanting to see me.
Here is my question..I'm confused: What did he mean by what he said? Is he just not interested? Was that his way of breaking things off? Does he just need time? I (while trying not to) fell in love with this man and it hurts to not know where we stand. I don't know whether to act normal around him or tell him I need to know how he feels. Giving him time is not a problem if I know he needs it..
VictorM's advice:
It is entirely possible that his two divorces are the fault of his ex-wives, but even if it was so, he's at least responsible for having rotten judgment in the selection of mates. But come on, that's not very likely. Chances are that his ex-wives thought he was a wonderful guy and then it didn't pan out that way. I'm not saying he should be a throw-away because he has two failed marriages, but it's at least sensible to take longer and get to know the guy much better before settling on the "wonderful guy" label.
Most guys are very reluctant to tell a woman something they know she doesn't want to hear. So they try to do it slowly or sugar coat what they are feeling. This is why, when there is a "but..." involved, you can pretty much ignore everything that comes after it. Most guys will engage in all sort of contortions to not come across as the bad guys and to let you down easy. But in your case, the answer is plain and clear: you left it up to him to come visit you at night and he hasn't since. Frankly, how much more obvious does he have to make it that his interest has cooled off?
It's understandable for him to be scared and want to step back. You'd be wise to take the opportunity to remove your rose colored glasses and allow this relationship to developed more slowly, if it goes anywhere at all.
He doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone
Submitted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009
By: Deirdre
Age: 33
Location: Woodbridge Virginia
Question: Hi Victor,
If a guy says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, doesn't that mean he just doesn't want a relationship with me in particular?
VictorM's advice:
Yes. I would bet my life on it.
By: Deirdre
Age: 33
Location: Woodbridge Virginia
Question: Hi Victor,
If a guy says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, doesn't that mean he just doesn't want a relationship with me in particular?
VictorM's advice:
Yes. I would bet my life on it.
Is he gay or straight?
Submitted on Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By: Mariana
Age: 23
Location: Argentina
Question: Hey Victor! How are you? I forgot to tell you HAPPY NEW YEAR =)I have this theory that as long as it is still January, it's not too late to say it!
Anyway, I have a question I haven't read in this blog and I think it's important to all women to know about this: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A GUY IS GAY OR STRAIGHT? (feel free to edit the caps!) And... in order to prevent you smartass kind of answers (I say that with love hehe), asking the guy isn't an option!
VictorM's advice:
Happy Year to you too Mariana. You know... we still have a forum and your occasional visit would be awesome. :)
Many guys, particularly at younger ages, may not even accept that they are gay. They fight the inclination so hard that often they appear to be the most macho guys around. They overcompensate in their language and how they deal with girls. Often, they do it because they just want to deflect suspicion, and sometimes they do it because they try to block the obvious.
Some people seem to have sharper "gay radars" than others, at least some people claim they do. But I think excluding ones with obvious feminine tendencies, it's very hard to tell unless you relate with a particular person over a long enough period. But even so, if there is a magic telltale sign, I'm not aware of it.
I wonder why you want to know.
By: Mariana
Age: 23
Location: Argentina
Question: Hey Victor! How are you? I forgot to tell you HAPPY NEW YEAR =)I have this theory that as long as it is still January, it's not too late to say it!
Anyway, I have a question I haven't read in this blog and I think it's important to all women to know about this: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A GUY IS GAY OR STRAIGHT? (feel free to edit the caps!) And... in order to prevent you smartass kind of answers (I say that with love hehe), asking the guy isn't an option!
VictorM's advice:
Happy Year to you too Mariana. You know... we still have a forum and your occasional visit would be awesome. :)
Many guys, particularly at younger ages, may not even accept that they are gay. They fight the inclination so hard that often they appear to be the most macho guys around. They overcompensate in their language and how they deal with girls. Often, they do it because they just want to deflect suspicion, and sometimes they do it because they try to block the obvious.
Some people seem to have sharper "gay radars" than others, at least some people claim they do. But I think excluding ones with obvious feminine tendencies, it's very hard to tell unless you relate with a particular person over a long enough period. But even so, if there is a magic telltale sign, I'm not aware of it.
I wonder why you want to know.
He was incredibly polite and very romantic
Submitted on Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By: Liz
Age: 31
Location: TN
Question: Hi, I met a guy on line and talked for hours on the internet and later on the phone. We set up a date to meet in person and arranged our first date. We had a nice dinner, great conversation and everything was going great. He and I had tons in common and lots of similar likes and dislikes. He made comments that led me to believe he was quite interested. He said, for instance, that the following weekend he had ideas for our date and suggested that we attend a local Italian restaurant. He talked about his family with me and made comments about how his family was going to love me. He was incredibly polite and very romantic. He's very busy with his job and i last spoke with him Sunday evening after I returned home. He told me he'd been called into work and would call me later, but that if it was too late he would wait until he could. He had told me earlier that his Mondays and Tuesdays are quite busy and he often gets in late. My question is this: why is it hard for a guy to actually take a few minutes to call you? Would a man make future plans with you such as I've described and then stand you up? And lastly, do I call him or wait for him to call me? thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Guys are very single-focused and can't multi-task. You'd think a call that takes only a minute or two would do, but we guys have learned -- you girls are never happy with brevity, so, we bury our minds in world, or sports, or hobbies, and don't communicate unless there is a reason for it.
Yes, a guy could make all these plans and then stand you up. That's how you know that the guy that appears so great at first has annoying flaws. It could very well happen.
Why do you want to call him? If you have a good reason, that is, a question that you want an answer for, by all means call him, but otherwise, isn't it better to risk being stood up but in the process learning something important about him? I think so.
By: Liz
Age: 31
Location: TN
Question: Hi, I met a guy on line and talked for hours on the internet and later on the phone. We set up a date to meet in person and arranged our first date. We had a nice dinner, great conversation and everything was going great. He and I had tons in common and lots of similar likes and dislikes. He made comments that led me to believe he was quite interested. He said, for instance, that the following weekend he had ideas for our date and suggested that we attend a local Italian restaurant. He talked about his family with me and made comments about how his family was going to love me. He was incredibly polite and very romantic. He's very busy with his job and i last spoke with him Sunday evening after I returned home. He told me he'd been called into work and would call me later, but that if it was too late he would wait until he could. He had told me earlier that his Mondays and Tuesdays are quite busy and he often gets in late. My question is this: why is it hard for a guy to actually take a few minutes to call you? Would a man make future plans with you such as I've described and then stand you up? And lastly, do I call him or wait for him to call me? thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Guys are very single-focused and can't multi-task. You'd think a call that takes only a minute or two would do, but we guys have learned -- you girls are never happy with brevity, so, we bury our minds in world, or sports, or hobbies, and don't communicate unless there is a reason for it.
Yes, a guy could make all these plans and then stand you up. That's how you know that the guy that appears so great at first has annoying flaws. It could very well happen.
Why do you want to call him? If you have a good reason, that is, a question that you want an answer for, by all means call him, but otherwise, isn't it better to risk being stood up but in the process learning something important about him? I think so.
Hot N Cold
Submitted on Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By: Ariel
Age: 19
Question: So this guy and I have been talking for about 10 months now. He is currently in the Military. I really don’t know where I stand with him he reminds me of that song by Katy Perry “Hot N Cold.” So anyway he vaguely opens up to me sometimes especially when something is bothering him…he goes silent or if we happen to be chatting online he puts his status as “Away” and doesn’t respond. In the past he would complain that I never call his so I decided to change things and started calling him, now he doesn’t answer his phone when I initiate the calling. I don’t understand why he does this.
Also we will go a few days without contact and then he call days later and ask “did you miss me?” Does he do this to test me to see if I missed him after long periods of no communication or what?
Also he will ask me “do you love me?” and when I say I do he replies with “you are lying….no you don’t.” Why does he even ask me if he doesn’t believe me in the 1st place.
And lastly one time upon talking to him on the phone he says “I can’t believe I’m confiding in you... do you know what that means? I really don’t know what he means by this and I really don’t know why he does if he is afraid.
By the way this man is in his mid-30’s cooperating in this manner which reminds me of a child sometimes, it’s like he wants to commit but then he doesn’t. I’m getting tired of the games, by this age he should at least have an idea of what he wants in life and I think he lacks this characteristic.
There is also a big age difference which may also be the problem but I am very mature for my age and he also tells me this himself.
VictorM's advice:
He asks if you love him and you say you do? You do? Really? Why?
The guy seems to have real issues and you're far too young and, I'm willing to bet, not qualified to be his shrink. Whether he's old enough to be mature is irrelevant -- he isn't. Period.
Stop wasting your time with this guy. Finding a great match isn't easy but that's no excuse for sticking with someone that is a big question mark.
By: Ariel
Age: 19
Question: So this guy and I have been talking for about 10 months now. He is currently in the Military. I really don’t know where I stand with him he reminds me of that song by Katy Perry “Hot N Cold.” So anyway he vaguely opens up to me sometimes especially when something is bothering him…he goes silent or if we happen to be chatting online he puts his status as “Away” and doesn’t respond. In the past he would complain that I never call his so I decided to change things and started calling him, now he doesn’t answer his phone when I initiate the calling. I don’t understand why he does this.
Also we will go a few days without contact and then he call days later and ask “did you miss me?” Does he do this to test me to see if I missed him after long periods of no communication or what?
Also he will ask me “do you love me?” and when I say I do he replies with “you are lying….no you don’t.” Why does he even ask me if he doesn’t believe me in the 1st place.
And lastly one time upon talking to him on the phone he says “I can’t believe I’m confiding in you... do you know what that means? I really don’t know what he means by this and I really don’t know why he does if he is afraid.
By the way this man is in his mid-30’s cooperating in this manner which reminds me of a child sometimes, it’s like he wants to commit but then he doesn’t. I’m getting tired of the games, by this age he should at least have an idea of what he wants in life and I think he lacks this characteristic.
There is also a big age difference which may also be the problem but I am very mature for my age and he also tells me this himself.
VictorM's advice:
He asks if you love him and you say you do? You do? Really? Why?
The guy seems to have real issues and you're far too young and, I'm willing to bet, not qualified to be his shrink. Whether he's old enough to be mature is irrelevant -- he isn't. Period.
Stop wasting your time with this guy. Finding a great match isn't easy but that's no excuse for sticking with someone that is a big question mark.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
When do you give up on someone as a lost cause?
Submitted on Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By: Christina
Age: 25
Location: CO
Question: My question is, when do you give up on someone as a lost cause? I have been dating someone casually for months, but it seems like something is always coming up... one of us is out of town, one of us is busy, one of us has obligations, whatever. Also, to make it worse, I was kind of shady in the beginning, which put a damper on things, according to him. Seems like he makes an effort to see me and I make an effort to see him, but it is going verryyy slow and we meet up only every few weeks now. So I have been reading some of the past questions to see if this has been answered before, and you say in a lot of them that guys are happy to move much slower than girls. So I'm wondering, how slow is too slow? I mean of course everybody wants a whirlwind romance even though that is usually not healthy and can end badly, and I know in reality, it's better to take it slow and not give up other parts of your life for this person. But at what point do you say, this person is probably not that interested in me and move on? If he is interested but just slow, then it's ok with me to take it slow. But if he is just slowly losing interest and I am just dragging out the inevitable, I think it's better to cut it off right now.
Sooo... are there any specific signs I can look for to tell which of these two situations I am in? And is there anything I can do to make it move a little faster or make him a little more excited or change the tone of the relationship...not that we are in a relationship yet, but you know what I mean.
I really like this guy and I don't want this to just fizzle out, but if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I mean I feel like he must like me at least somewhat because he answers me right away if I email him, and writes long emails, and will sometimes write to me on his own if I don't write first.
VictorM's advice:
You give up on someone when you're not getting what you want out of the relationship, and after you explained what's lacking, it doesn't get rectified.
If you think writing emails is proof of feelings, and meeting once every few weeks is enough, fine, but if not, and if waiting longer isn't going to solve how you feel about it, it's time to move on.
By: Christina
Age: 25
Location: CO
Question: My question is, when do you give up on someone as a lost cause? I have been dating someone casually for months, but it seems like something is always coming up... one of us is out of town, one of us is busy, one of us has obligations, whatever. Also, to make it worse, I was kind of shady in the beginning, which put a damper on things, according to him. Seems like he makes an effort to see me and I make an effort to see him, but it is going verryyy slow and we meet up only every few weeks now. So I have been reading some of the past questions to see if this has been answered before, and you say in a lot of them that guys are happy to move much slower than girls. So I'm wondering, how slow is too slow? I mean of course everybody wants a whirlwind romance even though that is usually not healthy and can end badly, and I know in reality, it's better to take it slow and not give up other parts of your life for this person. But at what point do you say, this person is probably not that interested in me and move on? If he is interested but just slow, then it's ok with me to take it slow. But if he is just slowly losing interest and I am just dragging out the inevitable, I think it's better to cut it off right now.
Sooo... are there any specific signs I can look for to tell which of these two situations I am in? And is there anything I can do to make it move a little faster or make him a little more excited or change the tone of the relationship...not that we are in a relationship yet, but you know what I mean.
I really like this guy and I don't want this to just fizzle out, but if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I mean I feel like he must like me at least somewhat because he answers me right away if I email him, and writes long emails, and will sometimes write to me on his own if I don't write first.
VictorM's advice:
You give up on someone when you're not getting what you want out of the relationship, and after you explained what's lacking, it doesn't get rectified.
If you think writing emails is proof of feelings, and meeting once every few weeks is enough, fine, but if not, and if waiting longer isn't going to solve how you feel about it, it's time to move on.
I approached him when I was drunk
Submitted on Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By: Lila
Age: 22
Location: London
Question: Hi
There`s this guy at work who I really like. I approached him when I was drunk and said that my friend liked him (as I say, I was drunk and it just came out). Anyway he just laughed and said that he lives with his girlfriend. Anyway, the next day I just caught his eye and he was smiling cheekily. I just carried on doing my normal things....
Lately, I have caught him staring at me quite a few times. He walks by my desk a few times a day to go out to the smoking area. When i go outside, I feel his eyes on me. I actually turned around last week and I saw him look me up and down!!!! Could this possibly mean that he may like me even in the slightest???
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Could he like you? It's possible, but not probable.
A drunk girls is hardly the best advertisement to spur romantic interest, and besides, now that he knows you like him, he wants to milk it for what it's worth to inflate his ego. Guys check out all kinds of girls; feelings have nothing to do with it.
By: Lila
Age: 22
Location: London
Question: Hi
There`s this guy at work who I really like. I approached him when I was drunk and said that my friend liked him (as I say, I was drunk and it just came out). Anyway he just laughed and said that he lives with his girlfriend. Anyway, the next day I just caught his eye and he was smiling cheekily. I just carried on doing my normal things....
Lately, I have caught him staring at me quite a few times. He walks by my desk a few times a day to go out to the smoking area. When i go outside, I feel his eyes on me. I actually turned around last week and I saw him look me up and down!!!! Could this possibly mean that he may like me even in the slightest???
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Could he like you? It's possible, but not probable.
A drunk girls is hardly the best advertisement to spur romantic interest, and besides, now that he knows you like him, he wants to milk it for what it's worth to inflate his ego. Guys check out all kinds of girls; feelings have nothing to do with it.
He lives in UT and I live on the East coast
Submitted on Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By: Allie
Age: 23
Location: Boston, MA
Question: started talking to this guy back in September online. He lives in UT and I live on the East coast in New England. We decided to give things a go and met up in mid November. I loved his personality but I was a little put off by his looks so I kept my distance a bit. I had planned before hand to go down over Thanksgiving for a week to see him and spend it with his family. I almost backed out but I decided to go. After spending a week with him I realized how much I was missing out on and I fell in love with him. The day I got back from visiting him he started studying for a very hard test and we hardly talked for the next three weeks. This was very hard for me going from talking to him everyday for hours to maybe once or twice a week. Anyways the first two weeks went fine...he sent me nice text messages every morning hoping i had a good day and called me on Fridays. During the third week things got a little tense when I suggested that we make plans for me to come down for New Year's. He said that when I had stayed with him I had acted ornery and demanding. There is a big cultural difference between city people up in Boston to people out west who are more laid back and relaxed. He also didn't like the fact that I still talk to my ex bf who was the love my life, but we broke up 2 years ago and he is now engaged. Bottom line is I was bad towards the end of the week (it was my time of the month) and I realized what an idiot what I was the entire plane trip home.
Though I've lived in Boston my entire life I've always been more of a country girl and never wanted to raise my kids here. I loved the area he lived in. We talked about the future and stuff beforehand. I am crunching to be done with my Masters degree in May instead of taking one last elective during the summer so I could move down there to be with him. We talked about getting married and kids, etc. There is an 8-year age difference between us: he's 31 and I'm 23. Normally this would bother me but with him it doesn't.
I assured him I'm usually not like that and I just had a lot of things going on....I had gotten laid off a month earlier, was still trying to find a job, miserable living at home with my uptight my parents, and my dad was going for a second round of surgery on his ankle Xmas and it didn't go well he may need a prosthetic. In addition there was a cultural clash....whether he moved up here or I there it takes time to adjust to the pace and the way things are. My boyfriend is worried that things will be fine the next time I come down but may resort back to the old ways afterward.
We decided to meet up in January 09 instead. However he is still acting the same way. He doesn't call me as much and doesn't send me texts in the morning. However when I have talked to him he assures me we are still together, etc. So ever since he hasn't been doing his usual texts and calling which his made paranoid, stressed, and depressed. He called me on Xmas eve and Xmas. He was spending time with his family and just got back last night. However I haven't heard from him since Xmas. I've tried calling once or twice with no returned call...maybe I'm being too paranoid and smothering? I know he's not seeing anyone else but I debate whether he is really going to give this another chance or just dragging it out. I gave him a chance to break it off already and he said he didn't want to.
I absolutely love this guy more than anything. And I would do anything to make things work. Question: does he really want to be with me? In addition, I have cut off all contact with my ex. What should I do? Please HELP!
UPDATE: We've decided for me to go down there this coming weekend and split the airline ticket. He called me last night and told me: he doesn't think he's ready for a relationship and has no intention of dating for awhile. I have a feeling it's been because I've been bothering the hell out of him because I'm insecure about the relationship. Also acted like ornery which didn't make him good about himself I'm sure and the way i treat people in general is horrible. I've decided my New Years resolution is to change this for me because I have lost too many friends in the past, etc. I really care about this guy and want more than anything to make it work. He said he'd see how the weekend went but he wanted to let me know where he stands. In addition I've told him I love him and I truly do.
Is this hopeless and can I really change his mind? Will me going down there and changing the way I act really make a difference? I can't take back the way I acted before but I can change the way I am now...the last thing i want to do is back him into a corner and force him into things!
VictorM's advice:
You met him online in September, met in person for one week (one week that at least according to him did not go so well), and you already talked about marriage and kids? Sounds a bit crazy to me. No matter what you think, you know jack about this guy, and he about you.
After talking about marriage and kids, he has a hard test and has been with his family since Christmas, not communicating much with you, and in fact, not at all for a while. Then he follows that up with not being ready for a relationship. This after talking about marriage and kids with you. Come on, the picture is rather clear that the fellow has lost interest in you.
You say you have lost a lot of friends because of your attitude and that you made a New Year's resolution to change. Do you really think that it's that easy? A resolution? I don't think it is. If you can manage it you're some kind of miracle worker.
Is one weekend going to change things? I doubt it. I know girls like to believe they can change guys, but guys have no such ambition. A girl meets a guy that's imperfect and she's sure she can turn him around; a guy finds something about a girl that turns him off and it's pretty much over.
You already have the plane tickets, and crazier things have happened, so I wish you good luck.
By: Allie
Age: 23
Location: Boston, MA
Question: started talking to this guy back in September online. He lives in UT and I live on the East coast in New England. We decided to give things a go and met up in mid November. I loved his personality but I was a little put off by his looks so I kept my distance a bit. I had planned before hand to go down over Thanksgiving for a week to see him and spend it with his family. I almost backed out but I decided to go. After spending a week with him I realized how much I was missing out on and I fell in love with him. The day I got back from visiting him he started studying for a very hard test and we hardly talked for the next three weeks. This was very hard for me going from talking to him everyday for hours to maybe once or twice a week. Anyways the first two weeks went fine...he sent me nice text messages every morning hoping i had a good day and called me on Fridays. During the third week things got a little tense when I suggested that we make plans for me to come down for New Year's. He said that when I had stayed with him I had acted ornery and demanding. There is a big cultural difference between city people up in Boston to people out west who are more laid back and relaxed. He also didn't like the fact that I still talk to my ex bf who was the love my life, but we broke up 2 years ago and he is now engaged. Bottom line is I was bad towards the end of the week (it was my time of the month) and I realized what an idiot what I was the entire plane trip home.
Though I've lived in Boston my entire life I've always been more of a country girl and never wanted to raise my kids here. I loved the area he lived in. We talked about the future and stuff beforehand. I am crunching to be done with my Masters degree in May instead of taking one last elective during the summer so I could move down there to be with him. We talked about getting married and kids, etc. There is an 8-year age difference between us: he's 31 and I'm 23. Normally this would bother me but with him it doesn't.
I assured him I'm usually not like that and I just had a lot of things going on....I had gotten laid off a month earlier, was still trying to find a job, miserable living at home with my uptight my parents, and my dad was going for a second round of surgery on his ankle Xmas and it didn't go well he may need a prosthetic. In addition there was a cultural clash....whether he moved up here or I there it takes time to adjust to the pace and the way things are. My boyfriend is worried that things will be fine the next time I come down but may resort back to the old ways afterward.
We decided to meet up in January 09 instead. However he is still acting the same way. He doesn't call me as much and doesn't send me texts in the morning. However when I have talked to him he assures me we are still together, etc. So ever since he hasn't been doing his usual texts and calling which his made paranoid, stressed, and depressed. He called me on Xmas eve and Xmas. He was spending time with his family and just got back last night. However I haven't heard from him since Xmas. I've tried calling once or twice with no returned call...maybe I'm being too paranoid and smothering? I know he's not seeing anyone else but I debate whether he is really going to give this another chance or just dragging it out. I gave him a chance to break it off already and he said he didn't want to.
I absolutely love this guy more than anything. And I would do anything to make things work. Question: does he really want to be with me? In addition, I have cut off all contact with my ex. What should I do? Please HELP!
UPDATE: We've decided for me to go down there this coming weekend and split the airline ticket. He called me last night and told me: he doesn't think he's ready for a relationship and has no intention of dating for awhile. I have a feeling it's been because I've been bothering the hell out of him because I'm insecure about the relationship. Also acted like ornery which didn't make him good about himself I'm sure and the way i treat people in general is horrible. I've decided my New Years resolution is to change this for me because I have lost too many friends in the past, etc. I really care about this guy and want more than anything to make it work. He said he'd see how the weekend went but he wanted to let me know where he stands. In addition I've told him I love him and I truly do.
Is this hopeless and can I really change his mind? Will me going down there and changing the way I act really make a difference? I can't take back the way I acted before but I can change the way I am now...the last thing i want to do is back him into a corner and force him into things!
VictorM's advice:
You met him online in September, met in person for one week (one week that at least according to him did not go so well), and you already talked about marriage and kids? Sounds a bit crazy to me. No matter what you think, you know jack about this guy, and he about you.
After talking about marriage and kids, he has a hard test and has been with his family since Christmas, not communicating much with you, and in fact, not at all for a while. Then he follows that up with not being ready for a relationship. This after talking about marriage and kids with you. Come on, the picture is rather clear that the fellow has lost interest in you.
You say you have lost a lot of friends because of your attitude and that you made a New Year's resolution to change. Do you really think that it's that easy? A resolution? I don't think it is. If you can manage it you're some kind of miracle worker.
Is one weekend going to change things? I doubt it. I know girls like to believe they can change guys, but guys have no such ambition. A girl meets a guy that's imperfect and she's sure she can turn him around; a guy finds something about a girl that turns him off and it's pretty much over.
You already have the plane tickets, and crazier things have happened, so I wish you good luck.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I want to kick his ass
Submitted on Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By: kat
Age: 16
Location: Earth
Question: my best friend since 5th grade is having trouble with a boy. first of all, the guy she goes out with doesn't get to see her a lot because her ex is his brother. second, last time she saw (let's call him) bob, she had long hair....then she cut it. It looks good but when she saw bob the other night he laughed and asked her 'what happened to your head, did u lose a fight against scissors?' ever since then, she's been all weird. she's my best friend and i want to kick his ass but i don't want to get arrested. HELP?!
VictorM's advice:
Cleary Bob was joking, but the boy is a moron. It's a really dumb thing to say. But still, it's your friend's choice to go out with the brother of her ex, and if she has an ex, nothing stops her from having another, if and when she wants to.
It's awfully nice that you care about your friend and want to protect her, but friendship also means accepting that your friend is a human being capable of making her own decisions at her own pace, even if those decisions and that pace are not ones you would choose.
By: kat
Age: 16
Location: Earth
Question: my best friend since 5th grade is having trouble with a boy. first of all, the guy she goes out with doesn't get to see her a lot because her ex is his brother. second, last time she saw (let's call him) bob, she had long hair....then she cut it. It looks good but when she saw bob the other night he laughed and asked her 'what happened to your head, did u lose a fight against scissors?' ever since then, she's been all weird. she's my best friend and i want to kick his ass but i don't want to get arrested. HELP?!
VictorM's advice:
Cleary Bob was joking, but the boy is a moron. It's a really dumb thing to say. But still, it's your friend's choice to go out with the brother of her ex, and if she has an ex, nothing stops her from having another, if and when she wants to.
It's awfully nice that you care about your friend and want to protect her, but friendship also means accepting that your friend is a human being capable of making her own decisions at her own pace, even if those decisions and that pace are not ones you would choose.
I have a tendency to latch on emotionally
Submitted on Monday, January 12, 2009
By: Brittany
Age: 19
Location: USA
Question: I would say I have the "Anna Syndrome" except I don't consider myself very beautiful. I'm just average, 5ft 3in, 115 pounds, long dark brown hair, but a very average face and a waist and a stomach that isn't perfect. You can tell I have self image issues. On the other hand I am very strong and academically focused (I'm majoring in mechanical engineering with a minor in physics). So being in college you would expect I'd have guys all around me since I'm in a major where there is a majority of men.
I mean sure, I am friends with guys around me, but that doesn't mean any of them are involved with me in any sexual way. Honestly I am attracted to guys who are smarter than me and who are confident....and quite honestly I'm having a hard time finding anyone up to my standards. I didn't think it was going to be this hard to find someone who matched my basic requirements....basically someone who can match me.
So as soon as I find someone like that I have a tendency to latch on emotionally. I found my dream guy a couple of years back, but he won't give me the time of day. I have been trying to find someone better than or equal to him, but I haven't found anyone.
I've worked hard on my appearance this last semester, I have looked very girly and I have been very sweet and nice to people around me. Do you think that taking a semester to just focus on myself is needed? Like to improve my physical features through exercise? I feel like I have been hunting for a guy, but do you think that the best way to bump into someone is when your not looking? What are your opinions on myself and my situation?
VictorM's advice:
Something that we hear often is how a girl who complained that guys didn't pay her any attention but after she got a boyfriend she's swamped by guys after her. What changed that made her go from invisible to very much sought after? In most cases, just her demeanor. She went from projecting "I'm a loser" image to one that didn't come across as needy. Somehow, guys pick up on this stuff, even if we can't explain what it is.
It still sounds to me like there's some elements of Anna Syndrome at play here, but your major problems seem to be: 1) your personal low self-esteem, and 2) this need to latch on emotionally. Again, guys don't have to be the brightest crayons in the box to know that such a girl spells problems.
If you want to improve your appearance, so do for yourself, but not because of guys. I don't think your looks are the problem. Also, stop looking for a guy who is equal to or better than your dream guy -- no guy is going to measure up, at least not until you get to know him better.
What you should do is date lesser guys, flawed guys, guys that you really don't want to latch on to, guys that think more of you than you think of them. Go out thinking of just that one night, of having fun for what the night is, without worrying about the next day. This way, you go into these dates more relaxed, and you'd be surprised how many other guys will pick up on that instead of your needy side.
By: Brittany
Age: 19
Location: USA
Question: I would say I have the "Anna Syndrome" except I don't consider myself very beautiful. I'm just average, 5ft 3in, 115 pounds, long dark brown hair, but a very average face and a waist and a stomach that isn't perfect. You can tell I have self image issues. On the other hand I am very strong and academically focused (I'm majoring in mechanical engineering with a minor in physics). So being in college you would expect I'd have guys all around me since I'm in a major where there is a majority of men.
I mean sure, I am friends with guys around me, but that doesn't mean any of them are involved with me in any sexual way. Honestly I am attracted to guys who are smarter than me and who are confident....and quite honestly I'm having a hard time finding anyone up to my standards. I didn't think it was going to be this hard to find someone who matched my basic requirements....basically someone who can match me.
So as soon as I find someone like that I have a tendency to latch on emotionally. I found my dream guy a couple of years back, but he won't give me the time of day. I have been trying to find someone better than or equal to him, but I haven't found anyone.
I've worked hard on my appearance this last semester, I have looked very girly and I have been very sweet and nice to people around me. Do you think that taking a semester to just focus on myself is needed? Like to improve my physical features through exercise? I feel like I have been hunting for a guy, but do you think that the best way to bump into someone is when your not looking? What are your opinions on myself and my situation?
VictorM's advice:
Something that we hear often is how a girl who complained that guys didn't pay her any attention but after she got a boyfriend she's swamped by guys after her. What changed that made her go from invisible to very much sought after? In most cases, just her demeanor. She went from projecting "I'm a loser" image to one that didn't come across as needy. Somehow, guys pick up on this stuff, even if we can't explain what it is.
It still sounds to me like there's some elements of Anna Syndrome at play here, but your major problems seem to be: 1) your personal low self-esteem, and 2) this need to latch on emotionally. Again, guys don't have to be the brightest crayons in the box to know that such a girl spells problems.
If you want to improve your appearance, so do for yourself, but not because of guys. I don't think your looks are the problem. Also, stop looking for a guy who is equal to or better than your dream guy -- no guy is going to measure up, at least not until you get to know him better.
What you should do is date lesser guys, flawed guys, guys that you really don't want to latch on to, guys that think more of you than you think of them. Go out thinking of just that one night, of having fun for what the night is, without worrying about the next day. This way, you go into these dates more relaxed, and you'd be surprised how many other guys will pick up on that instead of your needy side.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
He has said the "L" word
Submitted on Monday, January 12, 2009
By: MeMe
Age: 38
Location: Atlanta
Question: I met a guy on line in 7/07 and he said, he did not want a relationship. We started out as just a "sexual thing" and about 8/08, he sent me a text message regarding "Loving a Woman" and I did not know what to think about it, and he has said the "L" word a couple of times when we were together. I didn't say anything back, because I did not how to take it. I stopped spending time with him and now he has started to complain, that I don't have any time for him and he wants more of my time. What is he looking for at this point? We have been involved for nearly two years and I do not want to read too much into the situation. Please Advise?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like has developed feelings for you and now a "sexual thing" isn't enough. Of course, this doesn't mean he wants a relationship; he's just asking to spend more time together, which is not the same thing.
By: MeMe
Age: 38
Location: Atlanta
Question: I met a guy on line in 7/07 and he said, he did not want a relationship. We started out as just a "sexual thing" and about 8/08, he sent me a text message regarding "Loving a Woman" and I did not know what to think about it, and he has said the "L" word a couple of times when we were together. I didn't say anything back, because I did not how to take it. I stopped spending time with him and now he has started to complain, that I don't have any time for him and he wants more of my time. What is he looking for at this point? We have been involved for nearly two years and I do not want to read too much into the situation. Please Advise?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like has developed feelings for you and now a "sexual thing" isn't enough. Of course, this doesn't mean he wants a relationship; he's just asking to spend more time together, which is not the same thing.
I've been sleeping with my friend's boyfriend
Submitted on Monday, January 12, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 24
Location: Staffordshire Uk
Question: The real question is where to start. I've been sleeping with my friend's boyfriend for 3 years, behind her back. I know this is a rubbish thing to do to a friend. But my biggest problem is him.
He's always saying he loves me and wants to leave his girlfriend. But this is every time i start to get the guts to call it a day. Sometimes I'll jumped in and say ok we'll tell her but when i do this he says he can't do it after all because of their child.
The thing is his girlfriend is cheating on him too with a number of men, which he doesn't know about. I also have their daughter at mine a lot of the time cause they're fighting and I don't want her to see. I love his daughter as if she was mine too.
If I tell the truth, I've fallen for him big style and really wish i had a clue what he's thinking. All i know is i can't stop thinking about it and i can't see how it's all about sex as a lot of the time he comes round mine and watch's a film and cook's MY dinner.
So I'm lost for ideas. Can you try and help ????
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea what his true feelings for you are but you're being willfully naive if you assume there's something more just because he watches movies with you or cooks you dinner. Men are notorious for going half way around the world for a piece of ass.
I have a really good idea: move, find another guy, have a child of your own to love. Get away from all the lying and deceit. But I suspect that you know this is the really right answer but the one you can't bring yourself to choose.
You're looking for a miracle, a magic wand solution. Sorry, but I used up my allotted portion of magic getting Obama elected and getting this year the award that Cristiano Ronaldo should have gotten last year. I'm all out. You'll have to settle for the really good idea instead.
By: Sarah
Age: 24
Location: Staffordshire Uk
Question: The real question is where to start. I've been sleeping with my friend's boyfriend for 3 years, behind her back. I know this is a rubbish thing to do to a friend. But my biggest problem is him.
He's always saying he loves me and wants to leave his girlfriend. But this is every time i start to get the guts to call it a day. Sometimes I'll jumped in and say ok we'll tell her but when i do this he says he can't do it after all because of their child.
The thing is his girlfriend is cheating on him too with a number of men, which he doesn't know about. I also have their daughter at mine a lot of the time cause they're fighting and I don't want her to see. I love his daughter as if she was mine too.
If I tell the truth, I've fallen for him big style and really wish i had a clue what he's thinking. All i know is i can't stop thinking about it and i can't see how it's all about sex as a lot of the time he comes round mine and watch's a film and cook's MY dinner.
So I'm lost for ideas. Can you try and help ????
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea what his true feelings for you are but you're being willfully naive if you assume there's something more just because he watches movies with you or cooks you dinner. Men are notorious for going half way around the world for a piece of ass.
I have a really good idea: move, find another guy, have a child of your own to love. Get away from all the lying and deceit. But I suspect that you know this is the really right answer but the one you can't bring yourself to choose.
You're looking for a miracle, a magic wand solution. Sorry, but I used up my allotted portion of magic getting Obama elected and getting this year the award that Cristiano Ronaldo should have gotten last year. I'm all out. You'll have to settle for the really good idea instead.
I want to make him like me
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: Rose
Age: 22
Location: CA
Question: how do you get over someone? I feel like since high school I've been replacing my feelings for this one boy I liked with feelings for other guys. Like an endless chain that keeeps forming. Its like I have a cup that was filled with emotion for one guy in high school for 3 years, then he poured the cup out and the cup was empty. I couldn't stand the cup being empty so I replaced it with another guy, and when that was over, I replaced it again. And here I am at 22, and I still am holding on to the memory of that guy from high school. I talk to him on facebook maybe once every 3 months very briefly, but I hold onto that little conversation like it was the entire world to me.
I'm holding onto the hope that we will go to the same grad school together by chance or something. I'm just so hopeless, I never broke the initial emotion for this guy. I think he doesn't like me the way I like him, and honestly he didn't even know i liked him in high school (although I gave very obvious at times with the way I treated him). I want to make him like me, I wish I knew how to make a guy fall in love with you. What do I do Victor?
VictorM's advice:
You ask conflicting questions, in case you didn't notice.
You get over someone by not wishing you wind up in the same college and... well, there's a lot more but getting over him is not what you really want, is it? You really want him to love you and then live together happily ever after. What's wrong with that? Nothing, if you ask me.
So why give up? The truth is that as far as feelings are concerned, he set the bar for what you expect. You're only 22, so you have plenty of time to run into a guy that will make the cup overflow. Maybe it could be this guy if you ever run into him again, or some other guy at some time, but wanting to find someone to makes you feel that good is no sin.
Enjoy knowing that having strong feelings for someone is possible. Enjoy knowing that such a guy is out there. Enjoy knowing that there's a good chance you'll get another crack at him. And next time around, be willing to more direct if you have to.
Don't try to force yourself to give up hope of a good thing.
By: Rose
Age: 22
Location: CA
Question: how do you get over someone? I feel like since high school I've been replacing my feelings for this one boy I liked with feelings for other guys. Like an endless chain that keeeps forming. Its like I have a cup that was filled with emotion for one guy in high school for 3 years, then he poured the cup out and the cup was empty. I couldn't stand the cup being empty so I replaced it with another guy, and when that was over, I replaced it again. And here I am at 22, and I still am holding on to the memory of that guy from high school. I talk to him on facebook maybe once every 3 months very briefly, but I hold onto that little conversation like it was the entire world to me.
I'm holding onto the hope that we will go to the same grad school together by chance or something. I'm just so hopeless, I never broke the initial emotion for this guy. I think he doesn't like me the way I like him, and honestly he didn't even know i liked him in high school (although I gave very obvious at times with the way I treated him). I want to make him like me, I wish I knew how to make a guy fall in love with you. What do I do Victor?
VictorM's advice:
You ask conflicting questions, in case you didn't notice.
You get over someone by not wishing you wind up in the same college and... well, there's a lot more but getting over him is not what you really want, is it? You really want him to love you and then live together happily ever after. What's wrong with that? Nothing, if you ask me.
So why give up? The truth is that as far as feelings are concerned, he set the bar for what you expect. You're only 22, so you have plenty of time to run into a guy that will make the cup overflow. Maybe it could be this guy if you ever run into him again, or some other guy at some time, but wanting to find someone to makes you feel that good is no sin.
Enjoy knowing that having strong feelings for someone is possible. Enjoy knowing that such a guy is out there. Enjoy knowing that there's a good chance you'll get another crack at him. And next time around, be willing to more direct if you have to.
Don't try to force yourself to give up hope of a good thing.
I have never had a serious relationship
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: Michelle
Age: 26
Location: Los Angeles
Question: I have never had a serious relationship and I'm really not sure why. When I was in my teens I attracted a lot of guys that only wanted to have sex with me. I have always gotten attention from men because of my looks, but I hoped that as I got older someone would also notice that I'm smart, driven, and giving. What usually happens is I date or spend time with a guy for a couple months, he realizes I'm not going to have sex with him immediately and then he disappears. It's really frustrating and I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you're another victim of Anna's Syndrome. Click on the link to see what it means.
I wouldn't assume that they leave because you don't have sex. There's a good chance they would leave even if you had sex.
I don't necessarily have to be doing anything wrong. I just think you're a together girl who knows what you want. You simply haven't found a guy that has the balls and character to handle you. In fact, I could argue that you're doing a lot right: you've so far avoided being stuck with a loser in a relationship with little promise of happiness. Staying free of such a predicament, you are leaving the door open for mister right to walk in at some point.
*pours some champagne and drinks to your good fortune*
By: Michelle
Age: 26
Location: Los Angeles
Question: I have never had a serious relationship and I'm really not sure why. When I was in my teens I attracted a lot of guys that only wanted to have sex with me. I have always gotten attention from men because of my looks, but I hoped that as I got older someone would also notice that I'm smart, driven, and giving. What usually happens is I date or spend time with a guy for a couple months, he realizes I'm not going to have sex with him immediately and then he disappears. It's really frustrating and I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you're another victim of Anna's Syndrome. Click on the link to see what it means.
I wouldn't assume that they leave because you don't have sex. There's a good chance they would leave even if you had sex.
I don't necessarily have to be doing anything wrong. I just think you're a together girl who knows what you want. You simply haven't found a guy that has the balls and character to handle you. In fact, I could argue that you're doing a lot right: you've so far avoided being stuck with a loser in a relationship with little promise of happiness. Staying free of such a predicament, you are leaving the door open for mister right to walk in at some point.
*pours some champagne and drinks to your good fortune*
Monday, January 12, 2009
He flirted with me a lot
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: denise
Age: 24
Location: baltimore
Question: I'm 24 and I met a guy (20) on myspace about 5 months ago. We met in person only once and since then we stay in touch by texting. He flirted with me a lot and has made sexual innuendos and I did the same UNTIL I asked him why he doesn't have a girlfriend and he stated that he doesn't want a girl because he's focusing on school. I let it be known that I'm not gonna have sex with a guy that I'm NOT in a relationship in but he still flirts with me. I even told him he wasn't getting any sexy pics from me like he asked because he's just a friend. BUT he still flirts. He's told me I'm the only girl he's flirting with or wants to be physical with but it's hard for me to trust that. I stopped texting him to see if he losses interest but he text back and when I didn't answer he texted again the next day. He says he wants to hang out with me and see me again so I know he has interest in me. But am I just a hook up to him? Am I wasting my time? How do I know for sure I'm the only other girl?
VictorM's advice:
"He's told me I'm the only girl he's flirting with"... hahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahaha... oh man, that's a funny one.
"or wants to be physical with" HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHA I'm in tears here. The guy should be on Comedy Central.
"but it's hard for me to trust that"... that's because he positively, without any doubt, is lying. How do I know? Because you tell me he's a guy and since he's typing back to you he has a pulse. That's enough for me to know.
In this case, I don't have to use the "generally," "most often," etc. usual disclaimers. You're being amazingly naive if you think otherwise. For example, your notion that him continuing to text you after you held off responding means he's interested. Please, that takes no effort at all, and if anything, it just made you more of a challenge, which means you'll be a bigger trophy when he bags the "older girl."
Yes, you are just a hookup. The sexually peppered language and sexy picture requests are dead give aways.
By: denise
Age: 24
Location: baltimore
Question: I'm 24 and I met a guy (20) on myspace about 5 months ago. We met in person only once and since then we stay in touch by texting. He flirted with me a lot and has made sexual innuendos and I did the same UNTIL I asked him why he doesn't have a girlfriend and he stated that he doesn't want a girl because he's focusing on school. I let it be known that I'm not gonna have sex with a guy that I'm NOT in a relationship in but he still flirts with me. I even told him he wasn't getting any sexy pics from me like he asked because he's just a friend. BUT he still flirts. He's told me I'm the only girl he's flirting with or wants to be physical with but it's hard for me to trust that. I stopped texting him to see if he losses interest but he text back and when I didn't answer he texted again the next day. He says he wants to hang out with me and see me again so I know he has interest in me. But am I just a hook up to him? Am I wasting my time? How do I know for sure I'm the only other girl?
VictorM's advice:
"He's told me I'm the only girl he's flirting with"... hahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahaha... oh man, that's a funny one.
"or wants to be physical with" HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHA I'm in tears here. The guy should be on Comedy Central.
"but it's hard for me to trust that"... that's because he positively, without any doubt, is lying. How do I know? Because you tell me he's a guy and since he's typing back to you he has a pulse. That's enough for me to know.
In this case, I don't have to use the "generally," "most often," etc. usual disclaimers. You're being amazingly naive if you think otherwise. For example, your notion that him continuing to text you after you held off responding means he's interested. Please, that takes no effort at all, and if anything, it just made you more of a challenge, which means you'll be a bigger trophy when he bags the "older girl."
Yes, you are just a hookup. The sexually peppered language and sexy picture requests are dead give aways.
I'm interested in a guy who is very shy
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: K
Question: I'm interested in a guy who is very shy. How can I tell if he is really interested or if he's just being kind and shy?
VictorM's advice:
If he's a shy guy, he is being shy. We can take to the bank, no? :)
A shy guy who likes you will give you some looks but most often he'll give you the impression that he doesn't like you at all. Bottom line, it's hard to know... unless you start being friendly and talking to him. So start.
But don't go too fast and don't expect sudden results. Start with a smile, a wave, a "Hi, John (or whatever his name is) and progress to asking a question about something he knows a lot about.
By: K
Question: I'm interested in a guy who is very shy. How can I tell if he is really interested or if he's just being kind and shy?
VictorM's advice:
If he's a shy guy, he is being shy. We can take to the bank, no? :)
A shy guy who likes you will give you some looks but most often he'll give you the impression that he doesn't like you at all. Bottom line, it's hard to know... unless you start being friendly and talking to him. So start.
But don't go too fast and don't expect sudden results. Start with a smile, a wave, a "Hi, John (or whatever his name is) and progress to asking a question about something he knows a lot about.
motivated and interested by his academics
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: Susan
Age: 20
Location: Northern VA
Question: I was reading one of the other questions posted, I think it was called 'touch and go' and I noticed that the question mentioned that the guy seemed very motivated and interested by his academics. I know a guy like this, and I wanted to know if a guy who is motivated and consumed by academics and does not seem interested in a relationship really is not interested in relationships? What is this kind of guy thinking when it comes to girls?
VictorM's advice:
Generally, guys are very single-focused. If a guy is passionate about something (sports, music, video games, movies, academics, politics, whatever) they tend to have little time for anything else, except girls. Yeah, guys still like girls but unless they become passionate about one girl, girls are to be enjoyed in small portions. Relationships tend to interfere with passions, unless it becomes a passion.
By: Susan
Age: 20
Location: Northern VA
Question: I was reading one of the other questions posted, I think it was called 'touch and go' and I noticed that the question mentioned that the guy seemed very motivated and interested by his academics. I know a guy like this, and I wanted to know if a guy who is motivated and consumed by academics and does not seem interested in a relationship really is not interested in relationships? What is this kind of guy thinking when it comes to girls?
VictorM's advice:
Generally, guys are very single-focused. If a guy is passionate about something (sports, music, video games, movies, academics, politics, whatever) they tend to have little time for anything else, except girls. Yeah, guys still like girls but unless they become passionate about one girl, girls are to be enjoyed in small portions. Relationships tend to interfere with passions, unless it becomes a passion.
I knew I was plastered
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: Amanda
Age: 19
Location: Vancouver, BC
Question: Last weekend, I came home from a trip out of town and decided to go out fir dinner with my roommate. When we walked into a restaurant, my eyes suddenly honed on this one busser that was incredibly attractive. My roommate and I were sitting at the bar, and I was having martinis. At one point of the night, I knew I drank a bit too much and told her not to get the guy to come over to where I was talking, because I knew I was plastered. Well, at one point, she said "Maybe he would know." (I'm looking for a job in the restaurant industry, and it's hard to find jobs) Next thing I know, he's standing right there, and I explained my job situation to him, and somehow the conversation lead to what he did for school (he's from Australia), and that lead to a conversation about soccer and football (because he's taking sport sciences). He told me before he left "I have to go to work tomorrow morning at 7, I work two jobs. Have a good night and best of luck with finding a job."
So yesterday, my roommate and I went back to the restaurant with a couple of her friends. When my roommate and I walked in he smiled down at me, and I'm not sure if that was him being polite, or if he recognized me. He wasn't bussing in our section, but I was sitting at the inside of the booth (there is a purpose to me mentioning this). Later on in the night our table was looking messy and our waiter went off to take a break, and told him to clean up our table. So he came over and it was just me and this other girl (also named Amanda) sitting at the table. "How are you enjoying yourselves ladies?" I made a bit of an attempt at conversation "The food is really good, how are you?" When I said that he sort of smiled and said "Not too bad how about yourself?" waited for a response and walked off to the dishpit with all of the dishes. When my roommate and her friend came back, I explained to them what happened, and they said that I should buy him a drink. I was too nervous to ask our waiter to do that, and my roommate decided to ask the waiter to send him a drink. From me. He also smiled at that, and said "Okay". Not to mention that I also saw him chatting with another customer, and I couldn't tell if he liked her or if it was just polite conversation.
The look on his face when recieved the drink was priceless. I'm not sure if I was imagining it or not, but he looked at the drink, and looked directly at me. So, I ducked my head and pretended to be writing. About 15 minutes later he came over and said "Thanks for the drink ladies, who bought it?" Everyone pointed at me. lol. I asked him how he enjoyed it, and he said he liked it very much, and he thanked me for it again, and mentioned that he was going to Vegas tomorrow for a three day trip. He said that he's going there with $700, so hopefully that'll be enough. I jokingly said "Well, if you don't come back, we all know what happened." The other Amanda and him talked about Vegas briefly, and then he started talking to me again. (All the while he was fiddling with his pen). And then he said the thing that confuses me incredibly "See you later."
I don't understand why he was fiddling with his pen, so could you explain possible reasons? Also, I've never been able to understand the whole "see you later thing".
Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
See you later, take care, see you around, have a good night, cheers, goodbye, have fun, enjoy, au revoir, ciao, nice talking to you, have a good one, be safe, etc... a collection of parting expressions that denote politeness but are not meant to have any literal meaning per se.
Fiddling with a pen, tapping your fingers, scratching your balls, rubbing your chin, twirling your hair, etc... a collection of mannerism people pick up that often denote awkwardness or nervous ticks, having no meaning other than possibly a moment of being uncomfortably or bored.
If this guy made no reference to being nice to seeing you again and didn't even bring up your conversations about soccer and football, there's a good chance you left no particular lasting impression on him. Sorry, mate.
By: Amanda
Age: 19
Location: Vancouver, BC
Question: Last weekend, I came home from a trip out of town and decided to go out fir dinner with my roommate. When we walked into a restaurant, my eyes suddenly honed on this one busser that was incredibly attractive. My roommate and I were sitting at the bar, and I was having martinis. At one point of the night, I knew I drank a bit too much and told her not to get the guy to come over to where I was talking, because I knew I was plastered. Well, at one point, she said "Maybe he would know." (I'm looking for a job in the restaurant industry, and it's hard to find jobs) Next thing I know, he's standing right there, and I explained my job situation to him, and somehow the conversation lead to what he did for school (he's from Australia), and that lead to a conversation about soccer and football (because he's taking sport sciences). He told me before he left "I have to go to work tomorrow morning at 7, I work two jobs. Have a good night and best of luck with finding a job."
So yesterday, my roommate and I went back to the restaurant with a couple of her friends. When my roommate and I walked in he smiled down at me, and I'm not sure if that was him being polite, or if he recognized me. He wasn't bussing in our section, but I was sitting at the inside of the booth (there is a purpose to me mentioning this). Later on in the night our table was looking messy and our waiter went off to take a break, and told him to clean up our table. So he came over and it was just me and this other girl (also named Amanda) sitting at the table. "How are you enjoying yourselves ladies?" I made a bit of an attempt at conversation "The food is really good, how are you?" When I said that he sort of smiled and said "Not too bad how about yourself?" waited for a response and walked off to the dishpit with all of the dishes. When my roommate and her friend came back, I explained to them what happened, and they said that I should buy him a drink. I was too nervous to ask our waiter to do that, and my roommate decided to ask the waiter to send him a drink. From me. He also smiled at that, and said "Okay". Not to mention that I also saw him chatting with another customer, and I couldn't tell if he liked her or if it was just polite conversation.
The look on his face when recieved the drink was priceless. I'm not sure if I was imagining it or not, but he looked at the drink, and looked directly at me. So, I ducked my head and pretended to be writing. About 15 minutes later he came over and said "Thanks for the drink ladies, who bought it?" Everyone pointed at me. lol. I asked him how he enjoyed it, and he said he liked it very much, and he thanked me for it again, and mentioned that he was going to Vegas tomorrow for a three day trip. He said that he's going there with $700, so hopefully that'll be enough. I jokingly said "Well, if you don't come back, we all know what happened." The other Amanda and him talked about Vegas briefly, and then he started talking to me again. (All the while he was fiddling with his pen). And then he said the thing that confuses me incredibly "See you later."
I don't understand why he was fiddling with his pen, so could you explain possible reasons? Also, I've never been able to understand the whole "see you later thing".
Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
See you later, take care, see you around, have a good night, cheers, goodbye, have fun, enjoy, au revoir, ciao, nice talking to you, have a good one, be safe, etc... a collection of parting expressions that denote politeness but are not meant to have any literal meaning per se.
Fiddling with a pen, tapping your fingers, scratching your balls, rubbing your chin, twirling your hair, etc... a collection of mannerism people pick up that often denote awkwardness or nervous ticks, having no meaning other than possibly a moment of being uncomfortably or bored.
If this guy made no reference to being nice to seeing you again and didn't even bring up your conversations about soccer and football, there's a good chance you left no particular lasting impression on him. Sorry, mate.
What does this guy want?
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: hannah
Age: 24
Location: canada
Question: What does this guy want? Is he really into me for something else rather than a relationship?
I met this guy online in april of '08 - reading other peoples posts u dont see to hype about on-line dating or any kind of online relationship - to some point i agree with that - but if u live in a small community and there are only a few guys yea - and if u aren't into the whole bar scene (not that this small community even tracks in a lot of guys but what to i know i dont drink so...) That's the reason why i have started to look online yes people always talk about all the risks and i agree u do have to be cautious i am also the type of person who takes risks...anyways i could go on and on about this but i will stick to the present...so i met this guy online - and he only lives a province between me so the distance is still 12 hrs which really sucks because we don't get the physical aspect of the relationship - this guy is 8 years older than me - i did see him in aug...now the other issues is we both have health issues - i feel i sympathize with him alot and don't try to mother him about it - he knows what to do with his health more than i do but it seems to prohibit him from alot things i.e. going out, getting a job - anyways he says he will come out to visit but it doesn't happen - i am being patient - but it makes me think how much is he into this relationship? i have insecure issues about that because my relationships ( both were long-distance) the guy never showed up. Am i just attracted to the wrong guys? The other factor is this he lives at home with his mom (because of his blood disorder - he colasped a couple of months before i met him - hence the reason he lives with his mom. He also has no moeny or at least they are all tied up in accounts - and when he first started asking me - i thought sure i can help him out - but i didn't think it would be an ongoing thing - he's let up some because i keep asking is this what u want me for? my money? and his reply is no. (perhaps he is just giving me the answer i wanna hear. I actually enjoy giving and it isn't about the money it's about what does he really want me for. The week i went to visit him we had some really good times and thou i have been with 2 other guys this is first guy i had sex with and my bf also said he was a virgin (he did tell me of an incident when he was 16 and he hadn't consented but his babysitter forced him to...)
we talk everyday - sometimes not so much as other days - he use to call - and i don't ask him to - but now he rarely calls - i call him when he says call me - for me the phone conversations are the best...i don't mind txt or chatting on msn, i just enjoy hearing his voice than this past week his talking to other gurls online has gotten to me - he continues to tell me nothing is up with that - but than y does he talk to them - yea i know have a few issues to get through - and i always wonder if he wanted a gurl y doesn't he get one from the city (he lives in a city where there are "lots of fish in the sea") i have read what u said about guys having other gurl relationships - anyhoo it got to the breaking point for me - i was having a rough day of it - and i just txted him to forget me - he txted back and siad "u just told me u were done with us. this is a shock to my system" i realized once again i spoke to hastily - because despite our issues i wanna work things through - i am always to quick to just give up and forget about working things through - i know i cant change him - i dont want to change him - but it's all so very frustrating - i am trying to save up money so i can move to him and so each time he broaches me about money i think "does he want me more for my money?" And recently ha hints about marriage - or that someday he's gonna marry me and that "im the one" no offfence, but i have heard these kinds of promises from guys before.. and though marriage is great and all - i see the stuff happening all around me - divorce - and it scares the crap out of me cuz i want a relationship thats gonna last and yes it's hard work and yes i am perhaps ridiculous for trying to find someone long distance - i am an average looking girl - yea fairly skinny i guess - short - and i don't worry about my looks too much, i have had to deal with other issues pertaining to my health that have made looks seem small in comparison...i do see a councilor on a regular basis and i tried to talk to her about my feelings when it comes to him talking to other gurls and she was like do u notice the red flags "he lives with his mom" (she recently read a letter of my sisters - i had asked my sister what it was like to live with a sister (me) who had a chronic illness for the time she was 14 so my sister did that but she also wrote how from her perspective this guy wasn't looking all that great - it pisses me off that my family becomes so opinionated about my guys sure they have cause for concern but nobody really knows me - there just play their protective/loyalty role - and my sisters dont contact me - i contact them - not that should be a huge issues but gez if they are so concerned y don't they ever call me up) anyhoo my councilor instead of working me through my issues decided to go the motherly route...maybe it's silly to be going out in ldr with a guy who is living with his mom - i know what it's like to live with an illness so i don't say too much - i would probably do the same thing and besides who says a when a guy goes through health issues he's on that emotional roller coaster too..i'm not sticking up to the guy per se, just saying i know what it feels like so i don't judge it...anyhoo with all these ramblings i just wanna know what this guy exactly wants - i talked to him after blowing him off to forget me and know of course he questions whether i want him or not but he took me back (he's told me to forget about him to when his health is getting to him or he's having a bad day..we all get like that)...of course i want him but maybe not the way he is which means maybe this relationship is too much to handle or something...what i don't get is okay he knows he has medical expenses that he's got to find a way to pay them - now he tells me he has accounts that he can't touch - i guess u see i'm turmoil here - very confused - i have talked about some of these things with him and not sure how much it's helped...anyhoo this was long so i'll keep it to that - any thought would be great...thanks..
VictorM's advice:
Given his health issues, I don't see a problem with him living with his mother. I know this is very cultural -- more of a problem in USA and Canada than other countries. What bothers me most is not only him accepting money from you, but even asking for it. And while it would still bother me if he were poor, that he claims his own money is tied in accounts that he can't touch gives this whole business a con man kinda feel to it.
Listen, I understand the issues with being in a small town and not being the bar going person. Online can indeed introduce you to guys. That is not the problem; the problem is getting stuck with one guy that appears very shady and who, as time goes on, seems less interested in you, not more.
I think your counselor and your family are trying to alert you to serious problems. You seem more determined in fighting them than being receptive to their message. There sure is enough in this story to make anyone who cares about you skeptical where it's going to lead.
For someone who claims to be fearful of marriage because you want one that lasts, you don't seem picky enough now. You have a right, and a duty to yourself, to expect and demand more from a guy. Don't cheat yourself just because contrary to what you've told me, you're just not being patient. You're still very young; aim for better.
By: hannah
Age: 24
Location: canada
Question: What does this guy want? Is he really into me for something else rather than a relationship?
I met this guy online in april of '08 - reading other peoples posts u dont see to hype about on-line dating or any kind of online relationship - to some point i agree with that - but if u live in a small community and there are only a few guys yea - and if u aren't into the whole bar scene (not that this small community even tracks in a lot of guys but what to i know i dont drink so...) That's the reason why i have started to look online yes people always talk about all the risks and i agree u do have to be cautious i am also the type of person who takes risks...anyways i could go on and on about this but i will stick to the present...so i met this guy online - and he only lives a province between me so the distance is still 12 hrs which really sucks because we don't get the physical aspect of the relationship - this guy is 8 years older than me - i did see him in aug...now the other issues is we both have health issues - i feel i sympathize with him alot and don't try to mother him about it - he knows what to do with his health more than i do but it seems to prohibit him from alot things i.e. going out, getting a job - anyways he says he will come out to visit but it doesn't happen - i am being patient - but it makes me think how much is he into this relationship? i have insecure issues about that because my relationships ( both were long-distance) the guy never showed up. Am i just attracted to the wrong guys? The other factor is this he lives at home with his mom (because of his blood disorder - he colasped a couple of months before i met him - hence the reason he lives with his mom. He also has no moeny or at least they are all tied up in accounts - and when he first started asking me - i thought sure i can help him out - but i didn't think it would be an ongoing thing - he's let up some because i keep asking is this what u want me for? my money? and his reply is no. (perhaps he is just giving me the answer i wanna hear. I actually enjoy giving and it isn't about the money it's about what does he really want me for. The week i went to visit him we had some really good times and thou i have been with 2 other guys this is first guy i had sex with and my bf also said he was a virgin (he did tell me of an incident when he was 16 and he hadn't consented but his babysitter forced him to...)
we talk everyday - sometimes not so much as other days - he use to call - and i don't ask him to - but now he rarely calls - i call him when he says call me - for me the phone conversations are the best...i don't mind txt or chatting on msn, i just enjoy hearing his voice than this past week his talking to other gurls online has gotten to me - he continues to tell me nothing is up with that - but than y does he talk to them - yea i know have a few issues to get through - and i always wonder if he wanted a gurl y doesn't he get one from the city (he lives in a city where there are "lots of fish in the sea") i have read what u said about guys having other gurl relationships - anyhoo it got to the breaking point for me - i was having a rough day of it - and i just txted him to forget me - he txted back and siad "u just told me u were done with us. this is a shock to my system" i realized once again i spoke to hastily - because despite our issues i wanna work things through - i am always to quick to just give up and forget about working things through - i know i cant change him - i dont want to change him - but it's all so very frustrating - i am trying to save up money so i can move to him and so each time he broaches me about money i think "does he want me more for my money?" And recently ha hints about marriage - or that someday he's gonna marry me and that "im the one" no offfence, but i have heard these kinds of promises from guys before.. and though marriage is great and all - i see the stuff happening all around me - divorce - and it scares the crap out of me cuz i want a relationship thats gonna last and yes it's hard work and yes i am perhaps ridiculous for trying to find someone long distance - i am an average looking girl - yea fairly skinny i guess - short - and i don't worry about my looks too much, i have had to deal with other issues pertaining to my health that have made looks seem small in comparison...i do see a councilor on a regular basis and i tried to talk to her about my feelings when it comes to him talking to other gurls and she was like do u notice the red flags "he lives with his mom" (she recently read a letter of my sisters - i had asked my sister what it was like to live with a sister (me) who had a chronic illness for the time she was 14 so my sister did that but she also wrote how from her perspective this guy wasn't looking all that great - it pisses me off that my family becomes so opinionated about my guys sure they have cause for concern but nobody really knows me - there just play their protective/loyalty role - and my sisters dont contact me - i contact them - not that should be a huge issues but gez if they are so concerned y don't they ever call me up) anyhoo my councilor instead of working me through my issues decided to go the motherly route...maybe it's silly to be going out in ldr with a guy who is living with his mom - i know what it's like to live with an illness so i don't say too much - i would probably do the same thing and besides who says a when a guy goes through health issues he's on that emotional roller coaster too..i'm not sticking up to the guy per se, just saying i know what it feels like so i don't judge it...anyhoo with all these ramblings i just wanna know what this guy exactly wants - i talked to him after blowing him off to forget me and know of course he questions whether i want him or not but he took me back (he's told me to forget about him to when his health is getting to him or he's having a bad day..we all get like that)...of course i want him but maybe not the way he is which means maybe this relationship is too much to handle or something...what i don't get is okay he knows he has medical expenses that he's got to find a way to pay them - now he tells me he has accounts that he can't touch - i guess u see i'm turmoil here - very confused - i have talked about some of these things with him and not sure how much it's helped...anyhoo this was long so i'll keep it to that - any thought would be great...thanks..
VictorM's advice:
Given his health issues, I don't see a problem with him living with his mother. I know this is very cultural -- more of a problem in USA and Canada than other countries. What bothers me most is not only him accepting money from you, but even asking for it. And while it would still bother me if he were poor, that he claims his own money is tied in accounts that he can't touch gives this whole business a con man kinda feel to it.
Listen, I understand the issues with being in a small town and not being the bar going person. Online can indeed introduce you to guys. That is not the problem; the problem is getting stuck with one guy that appears very shady and who, as time goes on, seems less interested in you, not more.
I think your counselor and your family are trying to alert you to serious problems. You seem more determined in fighting them than being receptive to their message. There sure is enough in this story to make anyone who cares about you skeptical where it's going to lead.
For someone who claims to be fearful of marriage because you want one that lasts, you don't seem picky enough now. You have a right, and a duty to yourself, to expect and demand more from a guy. Don't cheat yourself just because contrary to what you've told me, you're just not being patient. You're still very young; aim for better.
He was feeling really sick
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: Lena
Age: 25
Location: California
Question: Hi,
I have known this guy and dated him casually for a few months now. We always meet up somewhere usually kind of last minute...aka making plans the same day... and we haven't gotten to the point where I am sure that we are guaranteed to see each other the next time. Usually he will invite me out, but occasionally I will invite him, and we almost always hang out with other people. I am sure that he does not consider it friendship because he flirts with me, makes moves on me, etc. and we kissed once. Anyway, I have been guilty of trying to seem a little uninterested so that he isn't bored too quickly (waiting to call him back, being very cool towards him once in a while), and he has started contacting me a little less, etc. My friends say that I am overdoing it though, and that he thinks I don't like him, which I know I have accidentally done in the past with other guys although I am trying to be forward by inviting him out once in a while.
So my first question is, how do I tell if he is pulling back a little because he thinks I'm not that interested (and do guys even do that?) or, is he pulling back because he just doesn't like me that much anymore?
The second question is about a specific situation. He asked me if I wanted to hang out about a week ago and followed up a couple of days ago asking if I was free that night, and I said ok, but he called a little later and said he was feeling really sick and asked if we could go out the next day. I said ok and that was the end of the conversation. Now the next day rolls around, andddd you guessed it... I didn't hear from him. What should I do? Should I wait a few days and call him or message him, or something, maybe asking how he's doing? Should I just wait ? Was he blowing me off?
Thanks for the advice!
VictorM's advice:
Sure, guys can pull back if they detect no interest, but nothing that you did seem to arise to that level. For example, your delay in calling back probably went by unnoticed because guys simply are used to doing the same thing as a natural course of events. Guys don't call right away and they don't expect you to.
What's happening is that you're filler. You're filling in the time until he finds someone he's passionate about. Clearly you haven't risen to that level even if he enjoys your company.
As for the second question... his statement that you would go out the next day, in guy talk doesn't mean it's a promise. It's just a parting comment to indicate he still wants to go out with you sometime, maybe. It's just an attempt to get off the phone on a positive note.
I don't see why you should wait to call him. He said he was sick. Wouldn't it have been polite to call the next day to ask how he felt? I think so. Maybe he still doesn't feel well, even now. Call him and find out.
By: Lena
Age: 25
Location: California
Question: Hi,
I have known this guy and dated him casually for a few months now. We always meet up somewhere usually kind of last minute...aka making plans the same day... and we haven't gotten to the point where I am sure that we are guaranteed to see each other the next time. Usually he will invite me out, but occasionally I will invite him, and we almost always hang out with other people. I am sure that he does not consider it friendship because he flirts with me, makes moves on me, etc. and we kissed once. Anyway, I have been guilty of trying to seem a little uninterested so that he isn't bored too quickly (waiting to call him back, being very cool towards him once in a while), and he has started contacting me a little less, etc. My friends say that I am overdoing it though, and that he thinks I don't like him, which I know I have accidentally done in the past with other guys although I am trying to be forward by inviting him out once in a while.
So my first question is, how do I tell if he is pulling back a little because he thinks I'm not that interested (and do guys even do that?) or, is he pulling back because he just doesn't like me that much anymore?
The second question is about a specific situation. He asked me if I wanted to hang out about a week ago and followed up a couple of days ago asking if I was free that night, and I said ok, but he called a little later and said he was feeling really sick and asked if we could go out the next day. I said ok and that was the end of the conversation. Now the next day rolls around, andddd you guessed it... I didn't hear from him. What should I do? Should I wait a few days and call him or message him, or something, maybe asking how he's doing? Should I just wait ? Was he blowing me off?
Thanks for the advice!
VictorM's advice:
Sure, guys can pull back if they detect no interest, but nothing that you did seem to arise to that level. For example, your delay in calling back probably went by unnoticed because guys simply are used to doing the same thing as a natural course of events. Guys don't call right away and they don't expect you to.
What's happening is that you're filler. You're filling in the time until he finds someone he's passionate about. Clearly you haven't risen to that level even if he enjoys your company.
As for the second question... his statement that you would go out the next day, in guy talk doesn't mean it's a promise. It's just a parting comment to indicate he still wants to go out with you sometime, maybe. It's just an attempt to get off the phone on a positive note.
I don't see why you should wait to call him. He said he was sick. Wouldn't it have been polite to call the next day to ask how he felt? I think so. Maybe he still doesn't feel well, even now. Call him and find out.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Knock-down-drag-out fights
Submitted on Sunday, January 11, 2009
By: Sarah
Age: 18
Location: FL
Question: My boyfriend and I have been going strong for almost two years. We fight, but generally it is not knock-down-drag-out fights, except last night. We had some friends over and I felt like I was on the outside. When I tried to introduce them to a comedian I liked via youtube (it was a six minute video) everyone immediately ignored it and started talking about other things. I was upset, sure but in my mind it was an "Oh well" moment. But later in the evening they pulled up another comedian and listened to him for over twenty minutes!
All night they talked about cars and friends that I haven't seen in almost a year. I felt like I couldn't contribute. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend later he got mad and said we wouldn't hang out with them any more because I "always got upset after hanging out with anyone". I felt like he was blaming me! We ended up fighting and he was saying I take what I have for granted and always want more. That I am selfish and always want to be in the limelight.
He also claimed that I couldn't support anything I don't like (example: modifying his car, I feel it is a waste of money and that you are ruining a good car). It felt like he was attacking me and I cried myself to sleep. He made me feel like I am this horrible person because I can't just support everything he wants to do. I'm sorry. No, I don't want him joining the army because I can't be with him for at least two-years. Plus I am scared he would be hurt or worse. I asked him to wait until we were older and maybe then I could come with him. Please help. I love him so much but sometimes I feel like he is just abusing my emotions. He says that I am whining.
VictorM's advice:
If by loving him so much you mean you want him to be with you, that's not love, that is selfishness. It's not that being selfish is that terrible in some cases, but if it's unbalanced, it's going to cause problems.
I'm curious, why can't you be with him if he joins the military now but you can when you're older? I don't understand that. Maybe you'll correct me but it sounds like you have things you want to do for yourself over the next couple of years, no? And do you only spend discretionary money that he approves of? Do you even have to get his permission? If he spends money on his car, is any of it yours?
Dating isn't about changing the other person to suit you; in part, there is some of that, but the major part of dating is to see if two people are a good match. Maybe based on your needs and wants, you two just aren't a good fit. His desire to join the military and tinker with his car sound like very defining reflections of who he is and what he wants.
If you don't want him to do things because of how it impacts you or because of your fears, you are suffocating him, and as a consequence, the relationship. And likewise, if his future plans don't match yours and his spending habits aren't lined up with yours, you have big problems.
It's not like you're hiding what you want from the other, and that's a good thing. Expressing your feelings is a very good step, but whether you can reach agreeable compromises or not, who knows. So keep talking. Just don't hold him responsible for his friends not liking your comedian.
By: Sarah
Age: 18
Location: FL
Question: My boyfriend and I have been going strong for almost two years. We fight, but generally it is not knock-down-drag-out fights, except last night. We had some friends over and I felt like I was on the outside. When I tried to introduce them to a comedian I liked via youtube (it was a six minute video) everyone immediately ignored it and started talking about other things. I was upset, sure but in my mind it was an "Oh well" moment. But later in the evening they pulled up another comedian and listened to him for over twenty minutes!
All night they talked about cars and friends that I haven't seen in almost a year. I felt like I couldn't contribute. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend later he got mad and said we wouldn't hang out with them any more because I "always got upset after hanging out with anyone". I felt like he was blaming me! We ended up fighting and he was saying I take what I have for granted and always want more. That I am selfish and always want to be in the limelight.
He also claimed that I couldn't support anything I don't like (example: modifying his car, I feel it is a waste of money and that you are ruining a good car). It felt like he was attacking me and I cried myself to sleep. He made me feel like I am this horrible person because I can't just support everything he wants to do. I'm sorry. No, I don't want him joining the army because I can't be with him for at least two-years. Plus I am scared he would be hurt or worse. I asked him to wait until we were older and maybe then I could come with him. Please help. I love him so much but sometimes I feel like he is just abusing my emotions. He says that I am whining.
VictorM's advice:
If by loving him so much you mean you want him to be with you, that's not love, that is selfishness. It's not that being selfish is that terrible in some cases, but if it's unbalanced, it's going to cause problems.
I'm curious, why can't you be with him if he joins the military now but you can when you're older? I don't understand that. Maybe you'll correct me but it sounds like you have things you want to do for yourself over the next couple of years, no? And do you only spend discretionary money that he approves of? Do you even have to get his permission? If he spends money on his car, is any of it yours?
Dating isn't about changing the other person to suit you; in part, there is some of that, but the major part of dating is to see if two people are a good match. Maybe based on your needs and wants, you two just aren't a good fit. His desire to join the military and tinker with his car sound like very defining reflections of who he is and what he wants.
If you don't want him to do things because of how it impacts you or because of your fears, you are suffocating him, and as a consequence, the relationship. And likewise, if his future plans don't match yours and his spending habits aren't lined up with yours, you have big problems.
It's not like you're hiding what you want from the other, and that's a good thing. Expressing your feelings is a very good step, but whether you can reach agreeable compromises or not, who knows. So keep talking. Just don't hold him responsible for his friends not liking your comedian.
I am ready to move forward
Submitted on Saturday, January 10, 2009
By: mary
Location: mn
Question: ok, I have been divorced for quite some time now and I am ready to move forward and find someone to share the rest of my life with. About a year ago, this guy from work approached me and we do small talk. I catch him looking at me from across the room, at several times, he shows up unexpectedly. We talk about everything and both feel comfortable doing so. About 6 months ago, I left my phone and cell number on his car, but he has never called me. Some of our conservations include if i work this weekend...well, we do work opposite weekends. I know where he lives, he knows where I live. He knows my work schedule to a 'T'. When I left my phone numbers on his car wipers, for me that is too forward for me...hey, I have been out of the dating scene for 15 years, so help!!!
VictorM's advice:
You talk with the guy about everything and are comfortable about it, yet you had to leave your phone on his windshield? Did he even know it was you who left it, and not some prankster? And in 6 months the issue never came up? Sounds odd to me.
Look, a couple of things: one, just because a guy enjoys talking to you and looking at you at work does not mean he's interested in more than just that. Quite often, guys will find any entertainment to help pass a dull work day. Talking to a pretty woman is a good way to do that; two, lots of people just don't want to mix dating and work.
If after all this time you're still only in the talking comfortably stage, chances are he's not interested. Next time, you're better off looking outside work.
But, if you're not willing to give up on this guy, arrange some form of meeting away from work and be a little more direct than a card with your phone number on his windshield.
(PS. Sorry, I don't respond to personal emails).
By: mary
Location: mn
Question: ok, I have been divorced for quite some time now and I am ready to move forward and find someone to share the rest of my life with. About a year ago, this guy from work approached me and we do small talk. I catch him looking at me from across the room, at several times, he shows up unexpectedly. We talk about everything and both feel comfortable doing so. About 6 months ago, I left my phone and cell number on his car, but he has never called me. Some of our conservations include if i work this weekend...well, we do work opposite weekends. I know where he lives, he knows where I live. He knows my work schedule to a 'T'. When I left my phone numbers on his car wipers, for me that is too forward for me...hey, I have been out of the dating scene for 15 years, so help!!!
VictorM's advice:
You talk with the guy about everything and are comfortable about it, yet you had to leave your phone on his windshield? Did he even know it was you who left it, and not some prankster? And in 6 months the issue never came up? Sounds odd to me.
Look, a couple of things: one, just because a guy enjoys talking to you and looking at you at work does not mean he's interested in more than just that. Quite often, guys will find any entertainment to help pass a dull work day. Talking to a pretty woman is a good way to do that; two, lots of people just don't want to mix dating and work.
If after all this time you're still only in the talking comfortably stage, chances are he's not interested. Next time, you're better off looking outside work.
But, if you're not willing to give up on this guy, arrange some form of meeting away from work and be a little more direct than a card with your phone number on his windshield.
(PS. Sorry, I don't respond to personal emails).
More like touch and go
Submitted on Saturday, January 10, 2009
By: Jules
Age: 19
Location: NJ
Question: I like this guy, but I haven't seen him in 8 months. Before we started sophomore year in college we saw one another quite often, perhaps every other day and we chatted for a little bit. We weren't super close, but more like touch and go. Never had anything further than flirting and chatting. I feel like he didn't make any moves on me because he is not very focused on his romantic life and more focused on getting ahead in his academics. So in the past couple of months I have tried to get back in touch with him through emails and aim, etc. We chatted a little here and there, but nothing much. So finally I sucked in my pride and decided to ask him out. Me and a couple of friends were planning on going out today (saturday) and I sent him an email asking him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat with us. I made it seem that the people I was getting together with hadn't seen one another in awhile so I justified the fact that I hadn't seen him in 8 months. I send him this message on Thursday and I get a response Friday night that is no longer than 2 sentences. He says, sorry that I didn't respond earlier I wasn't checking my emails.....I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go, who's going? So I basically took his answer as a rejection, but to be nice I responded to him telling him who was coming. I told him that we'd be happy if he could come, but I understood if he couldn't come. Then, I told him to let me know if he was coming. I still haven't heard a response from him, and I'm guessing he won't respond either.
LOL did i screw up? Or was he just uninterested? Opinions? Should a girl never ask out a guy? And when a guy says, "I'm not sure if I'll be able to go." Is that a straight out rejection? Also, what's up with guys giving such minimal responses?
VictorM's advice:
You did not screw-up, but next time (and yes, you should try again) don't involve a group. Make it just you and him.
And no, don't take his reply, or lack of reply, as a rejection. Maybe he's really not interested, but try a solo thing first before you give up.
Guys are generally very practical. Why say 100 words when 10 are enough?
By: Jules
Age: 19
Location: NJ
Question: I like this guy, but I haven't seen him in 8 months. Before we started sophomore year in college we saw one another quite often, perhaps every other day and we chatted for a little bit. We weren't super close, but more like touch and go. Never had anything further than flirting and chatting. I feel like he didn't make any moves on me because he is not very focused on his romantic life and more focused on getting ahead in his academics. So in the past couple of months I have tried to get back in touch with him through emails and aim, etc. We chatted a little here and there, but nothing much. So finally I sucked in my pride and decided to ask him out. Me and a couple of friends were planning on going out today (saturday) and I sent him an email asking him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat with us. I made it seem that the people I was getting together with hadn't seen one another in awhile so I justified the fact that I hadn't seen him in 8 months. I send him this message on Thursday and I get a response Friday night that is no longer than 2 sentences. He says, sorry that I didn't respond earlier I wasn't checking my emails.....I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go, who's going? So I basically took his answer as a rejection, but to be nice I responded to him telling him who was coming. I told him that we'd be happy if he could come, but I understood if he couldn't come. Then, I told him to let me know if he was coming. I still haven't heard a response from him, and I'm guessing he won't respond either.
LOL did i screw up? Or was he just uninterested? Opinions? Should a girl never ask out a guy? And when a guy says, "I'm not sure if I'll be able to go." Is that a straight out rejection? Also, what's up with guys giving such minimal responses?
VictorM's advice:
You did not screw-up, but next time (and yes, you should try again) don't involve a group. Make it just you and him.
And no, don't take his reply, or lack of reply, as a rejection. Maybe he's really not interested, but try a solo thing first before you give up.
Guys are generally very practical. Why say 100 words when 10 are enough?
Wondering why I haven't ever had a boyfriend
Submitted on Thursday, January 08, 2009
By: Cherrie
Age: 18
Location: UVA
Question: hey Victor,
I don't know if you remember me from my earlier questions, but I was head over heels for a guy that I had known for a couple of years, but logged off on me online. I've sorted through my feelings and I just want to be friends with him. So I sent him a facebook message asking if he wanted to come join a group of friends to lunch on saturday. He hasn't responded yet, but I honestly am not hung up over it. Anyway, my question has nothing to do with him this time.
I was wondering why I haven't ever had a boyfriend. I am very outgoing, lively, and usually I'm pretty forward. Most of the guys I interact with I've become friends with. When college started I was being myself and I had tons of guys hanging around me because I think I was really nice and outgoing. I mean there have been maybe a total of two guys that have shown actual romantic interest in me, but one was a crazy guy and the other wanted sex.
PS. I don't understand how to play "hard to get". How do you do that??
VictorM's advice:
In addition to being outgoing and lively, I'm going to guess that you're quite attractive and very smart. If so, you suffer from what I will henceforth refer to as the Anna Syndrome (follow the link for more details). Basically, you're too together and as a result you intimidate guys who prefer to minimize their risks and go with a girl they feel is more in their league.
As for playing hard to get... the first thing you must realize is that really only works if you know the guy wants to get you. If you're not sure he likes you, playing hard to get isn't a good idea.
Playing hard to get does not mean being mean, or cold, or indifferent; it basically means not falling all over yourself to please him and to make him the center of your universe. It means sometimes cutting conversations short (leaving him wanting more), it means not always setting things aside to suit his timetable (once in a while, be busy with friends, or work, or maybe even a personal reason)... maybe other girls can chime in and give Cherrie some of your "playing hard to get" techniques. Thanks.
By: Cherrie
Age: 18
Location: UVA
Question: hey Victor,
I don't know if you remember me from my earlier questions, but I was head over heels for a guy that I had known for a couple of years, but logged off on me online. I've sorted through my feelings and I just want to be friends with him. So I sent him a facebook message asking if he wanted to come join a group of friends to lunch on saturday. He hasn't responded yet, but I honestly am not hung up over it. Anyway, my question has nothing to do with him this time.
I was wondering why I haven't ever had a boyfriend. I am very outgoing, lively, and usually I'm pretty forward. Most of the guys I interact with I've become friends with. When college started I was being myself and I had tons of guys hanging around me because I think I was really nice and outgoing. I mean there have been maybe a total of two guys that have shown actual romantic interest in me, but one was a crazy guy and the other wanted sex.
PS. I don't understand how to play "hard to get". How do you do that??
VictorM's advice:
In addition to being outgoing and lively, I'm going to guess that you're quite attractive and very smart. If so, you suffer from what I will henceforth refer to as the Anna Syndrome (follow the link for more details). Basically, you're too together and as a result you intimidate guys who prefer to minimize their risks and go with a girl they feel is more in their league.
As for playing hard to get... the first thing you must realize is that really only works if you know the guy wants to get you. If you're not sure he likes you, playing hard to get isn't a good idea.
Playing hard to get does not mean being mean, or cold, or indifferent; it basically means not falling all over yourself to please him and to make him the center of your universe. It means sometimes cutting conversations short (leaving him wanting more), it means not always setting things aside to suit his timetable (once in a while, be busy with friends, or work, or maybe even a personal reason)... maybe other girls can chime in and give Cherrie some of your "playing hard to get" techniques. Thanks.
Message for Michelle, from Arizona
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
And chica, ask as many questions as you want, but if it's on this same topic, please use the Visitor Comments instead of a submission. Thank you, Michelle.
And chica, ask as many questions as you want, but if it's on this same topic, please use the Visitor Comments instead of a submission. Thank you, Michelle.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Let's go to a movie?
Submitted on Thursday, January 08, 2009
By: Autumn
Age: 28
Location: NC
Question: I am checking Facebook and this guy I am interested in asks what I am doing... conversation goes like this...
Him: What's up?
Me: Nothing much, getting ready to watch a movie.
Him: Let's go to a movie?
Me: What? When?
Him: Now.
Me: I can't. My son is asleep and if he wakes up I don't want him to freak out (we were staying at my dads and he was with them asleep)
Him: Ok, well can I come and watch with you?
Me: Well, I am not home and I am sure you don't want to make the drive.
Him: I don't care how long the drive is, it will be fun.
Ok, so he comes over and we sit together on the sofa. Things were a little crazy that night, dogs running around, teenagers in and out of the house. He stays close to me, puts his arm around me, throws my legs over his so I can be comfortable. Eventually he holds my hand and then, well, then there was the kissing. It was nice. It was unexpected. It could have gone further, but I didn't let it. I have not been around/dated/hung out with anyone in years and I was not going to do the deed right off the bat. So, anyway, movie ends, he gets up to leave and gives me a hug and kiss before doing so.
I don't hear from him the next day. The day after he txts me and asks what I am doing. I tell him nothing and he says he is waiting on the football game to start....then nothing....hours later I txt him and tell him I had a good time but I did not want it to be awkward (did I mention he is my son's teacher?). He says it will not be awkward and that he likes hanging out with me. Then, nothing. We still see each other every day, and kid around and talk like normal, but NOTHING... seriously. Men kill me.
How should I handle this. I like this guy (ALOT) and even if he doesn't want to date, I would love to hang out with him. Just geez, I need some idea of what he is thinking. Is it a blow off? Is he shy?? (he is shy actually).
I just hate being confused...any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Huh? What's confusing about that? Everything sounds pretty normal to me. Just because he's not moving at warp speed, doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Nice, slow, and easy wins the race. He likes you enough to want to know more, and that one night he was randy enough to want to be near you, but well, other days bring other things.
What makes you think a day shouldn't go by without him reaching out to you? I'm sure he has a life, friends, hobbies, work, sports to watch, etc.
When will he want to visit you again? Chances are, when he's randy again.
Does this all mean he's only interested in you for sexual stuff? Not really. He may get an extra urge at certain times, but other than that, it's pretty normal for guys to move slowly.
By: Autumn
Age: 28
Location: NC
Question: I am checking Facebook and this guy I am interested in asks what I am doing... conversation goes like this...
Him: What's up?
Me: Nothing much, getting ready to watch a movie.
Him: Let's go to a movie?
Me: What? When?
Him: Now.
Me: I can't. My son is asleep and if he wakes up I don't want him to freak out (we were staying at my dads and he was with them asleep)
Him: Ok, well can I come and watch with you?
Me: Well, I am not home and I am sure you don't want to make the drive.
Him: I don't care how long the drive is, it will be fun.
Ok, so he comes over and we sit together on the sofa. Things were a little crazy that night, dogs running around, teenagers in and out of the house. He stays close to me, puts his arm around me, throws my legs over his so I can be comfortable. Eventually he holds my hand and then, well, then there was the kissing. It was nice. It was unexpected. It could have gone further, but I didn't let it. I have not been around/dated/hung out with anyone in years and I was not going to do the deed right off the bat. So, anyway, movie ends, he gets up to leave and gives me a hug and kiss before doing so.
I don't hear from him the next day. The day after he txts me and asks what I am doing. I tell him nothing and he says he is waiting on the football game to start....then nothing....hours later I txt him and tell him I had a good time but I did not want it to be awkward (did I mention he is my son's teacher?). He says it will not be awkward and that he likes hanging out with me. Then, nothing. We still see each other every day, and kid around and talk like normal, but NOTHING... seriously. Men kill me.
How should I handle this. I like this guy (ALOT) and even if he doesn't want to date, I would love to hang out with him. Just geez, I need some idea of what he is thinking. Is it a blow off? Is he shy?? (he is shy actually).
I just hate being confused...any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Huh? What's confusing about that? Everything sounds pretty normal to me. Just because he's not moving at warp speed, doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Nice, slow, and easy wins the race. He likes you enough to want to know more, and that one night he was randy enough to want to be near you, but well, other days bring other things.
What makes you think a day shouldn't go by without him reaching out to you? I'm sure he has a life, friends, hobbies, work, sports to watch, etc.
When will he want to visit you again? Chances are, when he's randy again.
Does this all mean he's only interested in you for sexual stuff? Not really. He may get an extra urge at certain times, but other than that, it's pretty normal for guys to move slowly.
He has never ask me out on a date
Submitted on Thursday, January 08, 2009
By: Iryna
Age: 18
Question: He tells me he likes me. It's been three months, we talk on the phone and message each other everyday but he has never ask me out on a date? What does it mean?
VictorM's advice:
He's probably waiting for you to ask him on a date. You know, there is no rule that says the guy has to be the one to subject himself to rejection.
By: Iryna
Age: 18
Question: He tells me he likes me. It's been three months, we talk on the phone and message each other everyday but he has never ask me out on a date? What does it mean?
VictorM's advice:
He's probably waiting for you to ask him on a date. You know, there is no rule that says the guy has to be the one to subject himself to rejection.
I went to my cousin's wedding
Submitted on Wednesday, January 07, 2009
By: Jan
Age: 20
Question: Recently, during new years, I went to my cousin's wedding. i saw back my cousin i haven't seen in around 2 weeks or so. we have a kind of close relationship, but i feel more than cousin relationship. before when we hang out, he quietly said i was beautiful. i pretended i did not hear him, because it will be quite awkward. during the wedding, i was the bride's maid so i had to wear a fancy dress and stuff like those, which i would not wear normally. when i came out of my room wearing that dress and make up, he looked at me for seconds. during the wedding banquet, i kept seeing him looking at me. he tells me once in a while that he loves me and misses me, in a cousin matter way because i say it to him as well. i don't know what he is thinking. think you can help?
VictorM's advice:
He's a guy, before he's your cousin. He thinks you're hot, obviously. But chances are that he won't make any moves other than give you compliments... unless you make some bold move to encourage more than that.
Of course, depending on where you live (and you didn't say) society and your family could very well frown upon the idea of cousins getting involved.
You might want to give this serious thought before you go any further.
By: Jan
Age: 20
Question: Recently, during new years, I went to my cousin's wedding. i saw back my cousin i haven't seen in around 2 weeks or so. we have a kind of close relationship, but i feel more than cousin relationship. before when we hang out, he quietly said i was beautiful. i pretended i did not hear him, because it will be quite awkward. during the wedding, i was the bride's maid so i had to wear a fancy dress and stuff like those, which i would not wear normally. when i came out of my room wearing that dress and make up, he looked at me for seconds. during the wedding banquet, i kept seeing him looking at me. he tells me once in a while that he loves me and misses me, in a cousin matter way because i say it to him as well. i don't know what he is thinking. think you can help?
VictorM's advice:
He's a guy, before he's your cousin. He thinks you're hot, obviously. But chances are that he won't make any moves other than give you compliments... unless you make some bold move to encourage more than that.
Of course, depending on where you live (and you didn't say) society and your family could very well frown upon the idea of cousins getting involved.
You might want to give this serious thought before you go any further.
It seemed like the smile reached his eyes
Submitted on Wednesday, January 07, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 14
Location: Tennessee
Question: I like a junior and I am a freshman. We do not have any classes together and I usually only see him in the hallways. I smiled at him with a simple sweet closed mouth smile twice and he returned the smile both times. The first time I smiled at him he was not expecting and he smiled awkwardly and it seemed like the smile reached his eyes. It seems as though whenever we make eye contact he tries to hold it a couple of seconds longer than normal. I am wondering why he hasn't talked to me yet. According to many many sources he is generally one of the quieter juniors. Should I say hey to him first? Or should I wait for him because I smiled at him first? I am not sure if he likes me and it feels like I am having to do all the work. Except we both make the eye contact. Do you think he likes me? Do you think he is trying to figure out if I like him? I am so confused!!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he likes you but you certainly have caught his attention, which is a good beginning.
Boys in your age group, particularly if they are shy, can be quite reserved about talking to a girl, so if you have the nerve, say hi to him, and use his name, as in: "Hi, John." Then smile.
By: Kelly
Age: 14
Location: Tennessee
Question: I like a junior and I am a freshman. We do not have any classes together and I usually only see him in the hallways. I smiled at him with a simple sweet closed mouth smile twice and he returned the smile both times. The first time I smiled at him he was not expecting and he smiled awkwardly and it seemed like the smile reached his eyes. It seems as though whenever we make eye contact he tries to hold it a couple of seconds longer than normal. I am wondering why he hasn't talked to me yet. According to many many sources he is generally one of the quieter juniors. Should I say hey to him first? Or should I wait for him because I smiled at him first? I am not sure if he likes me and it feels like I am having to do all the work. Except we both make the eye contact. Do you think he likes me? Do you think he is trying to figure out if I like him? I am so confused!!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he likes you but you certainly have caught his attention, which is a good beginning.
Boys in your age group, particularly if they are shy, can be quite reserved about talking to a girl, so if you have the nerve, say hi to him, and use his name, as in: "Hi, John." Then smile.
I am very closed-off as a person
Submitted on Wednesday, January 07, 2009
By: jana
Age: 20
Location: pa
Question: Sorry, but my question is very long and it has many parts! My question is, how often should someone be hanging out with you if you are dating but not serious? For example, he is only seeing me every two weeks or so (and we talk approx once a week, but only to make plans) and it has been like three or four months, does that mean he is not that interested in me (Ok part of it was over the holidays, both thanksgiving, and christmas/new years, so that was why there was some delay lately, right?)? I mean, if he was really crazy about me, he wouldn't want to wait that long in between seeing me right?
Also, he contacts me sometimes and says: What are you doing? Are you going out tonight? and you tell him, but he doesn't ask if I want to go out and then if I ask what he's doing, he says hes busy or tired or at home going to sleep (then why even bring it up and ask me what I'm doing??) but then other times he will call and ask me out a few days ahead of time? does that mean he is just saving me for a rainy day or when his other plans fall through?
Oh also he told me he thinks I'm not excited about him, so I invited him out once (I said let me know if you wanna get together today), and he did not even contact me that day! Also, I am very closed-off as a person but I try very hard to show I like him (flirt, touch him, went out of my way to be alone with him, talk only to him when we are together) so I don't know what's going on, if he really thinks I don't like him or if he is trying to do something weird. My friends all say I act like I don't like him but I don't know how to make it clearer without pulling his pants down.
Also how do I tell if he thinks I am "the one"? Not hanging out more often would be a pretty good sign I am not, right?
VictorM's advice:
If you're dating occasionally, and aren't serious, there is no commitment. It's a day by day thing. He's in no rush, that's all the space in between dates mean.
If a guy calls you to ask how are you doing, it doesn't imply he wants to go out. He's just being polite and asking a pretty conventional question, no different than "how was your day?"
Doesn't sound like he thinks you're the one yet, but that's not unusual. Guys take a while to reach that conclusion.
By: jana
Age: 20
Location: pa
Question: Sorry, but my question is very long and it has many parts! My question is, how often should someone be hanging out with you if you are dating but not serious? For example, he is only seeing me every two weeks or so (and we talk approx once a week, but only to make plans) and it has been like three or four months, does that mean he is not that interested in me (Ok part of it was over the holidays, both thanksgiving, and christmas/new years, so that was why there was some delay lately, right?)? I mean, if he was really crazy about me, he wouldn't want to wait that long in between seeing me right?
Also, he contacts me sometimes and says: What are you doing? Are you going out tonight? and you tell him, but he doesn't ask if I want to go out and then if I ask what he's doing, he says hes busy or tired or at home going to sleep (then why even bring it up and ask me what I'm doing??) but then other times he will call and ask me out a few days ahead of time? does that mean he is just saving me for a rainy day or when his other plans fall through?
Oh also he told me he thinks I'm not excited about him, so I invited him out once (I said let me know if you wanna get together today), and he did not even contact me that day! Also, I am very closed-off as a person but I try very hard to show I like him (flirt, touch him, went out of my way to be alone with him, talk only to him when we are together) so I don't know what's going on, if he really thinks I don't like him or if he is trying to do something weird. My friends all say I act like I don't like him but I don't know how to make it clearer without pulling his pants down.
Also how do I tell if he thinks I am "the one"? Not hanging out more often would be a pretty good sign I am not, right?
VictorM's advice:
If you're dating occasionally, and aren't serious, there is no commitment. It's a day by day thing. He's in no rush, that's all the space in between dates mean.
If a guy calls you to ask how are you doing, it doesn't imply he wants to go out. He's just being polite and asking a pretty conventional question, no different than "how was your day?"
Doesn't sound like he thinks you're the one yet, but that's not unusual. Guys take a while to reach that conclusion.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
I have noticed a pattern
Submitted on Wednesday, January 07, 2009
By: confused
Age: 27
Location: canada
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year and half and I have noticed a pattern.
Every once in a while he becomes very emotionally distant. He totally withdraws and gets weird. He does work a lot, but I sometimes wonder if he isn't using it as an excuse to spend time alone. The first time this happened was at 5 months, then again around the year mark, and now it's happening again. This one has gone on the longest, he worked a 10 hour day on Sunday and then didn't want to chat that night. Monday we hung out, low key night. And since then, it's been back to busy busy not wanting to chat. Should I be any more concerned now, or should I just trust that this is normal?
VictorM's advice:
Some people have the need, from time to time, to spend time alone, no matter how much they love their partner. Understanding and accepting that need, even if you don't share it, will improve your chances of a healthy relationship. It is possible that his occasional periods of withdrawing from you are really just that.
A much healthier approach is to talk about it openly and even encourage him to do it when he feels the need, but to let you know so that you can be in tune with him and avoid hurt feelings. If he realizes that you accept his need, he may be more forthcoming about it and avoid misunderstandings.
By: confused
Age: 27
Location: canada
Question: I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year and half and I have noticed a pattern.
Every once in a while he becomes very emotionally distant. He totally withdraws and gets weird. He does work a lot, but I sometimes wonder if he isn't using it as an excuse to spend time alone. The first time this happened was at 5 months, then again around the year mark, and now it's happening again. This one has gone on the longest, he worked a 10 hour day on Sunday and then didn't want to chat that night. Monday we hung out, low key night. And since then, it's been back to busy busy not wanting to chat. Should I be any more concerned now, or should I just trust that this is normal?
VictorM's advice:
Some people have the need, from time to time, to spend time alone, no matter how much they love their partner. Understanding and accepting that need, even if you don't share it, will improve your chances of a healthy relationship. It is possible that his occasional periods of withdrawing from you are really just that.
A much healthier approach is to talk about it openly and even encourage him to do it when he feels the need, but to let you know so that you can be in tune with him and avoid hurt feelings. If he realizes that you accept his need, he may be more forthcoming about it and avoid misunderstandings.
He doesn't want me to hang out with friends
Submitted on Wednesday, January 07, 2009
By: alexia
Age: 17
Location: california
Question: my boyfriend lives in another state now. we get to see each other as often as possible. we are in love but there's this one problem: he doesn't want me to hang out with friends because he thinks i'll blow him off for them. i'm soo lonely and really want friends. what do i do?
VictorM's advice:
You do what he says because you have to obey him and besides, I'm sure he just sits at home and doesn't go anywhere. Right? Of course not. It's nonsense.
What you do is tell him to kiss your ass. Well, I'd use more diplomatic language if I were you, of course.
His request is not normal, it's selfish, it's unhealthy, and it's indicative of a real dickhead or a needy loser. What good is a boyfriend like that?
You have to stop feeding his insecurities. It's time to start doing what's normal and healthy for a girl your age, and start going out with friends. If he complains, don't dismiss his concerns, but don't give in to him either. "I'm going out with my friends and I will not blow you off." If he predicts doom and gloom, just say: "You have to trust me, that's not going to happen."
Of course, he can come back with a threat to break-up. Only you can decide if it's worth staying with a dickhead or live a healthier life.
By: alexia
Age: 17
Location: california
Question: my boyfriend lives in another state now. we get to see each other as often as possible. we are in love but there's this one problem: he doesn't want me to hang out with friends because he thinks i'll blow him off for them. i'm soo lonely and really want friends. what do i do?
VictorM's advice:
You do what he says because you have to obey him and besides, I'm sure he just sits at home and doesn't go anywhere. Right? Of course not. It's nonsense.
What you do is tell him to kiss your ass. Well, I'd use more diplomatic language if I were you, of course.
His request is not normal, it's selfish, it's unhealthy, and it's indicative of a real dickhead or a needy loser. What good is a boyfriend like that?
You have to stop feeding his insecurities. It's time to start doing what's normal and healthy for a girl your age, and start going out with friends. If he complains, don't dismiss his concerns, but don't give in to him either. "I'm going out with my friends and I will not blow you off." If he predicts doom and gloom, just say: "You have to trust me, that's not going to happen."
Of course, he can come back with a threat to break-up. Only you can decide if it's worth staying with a dickhead or live a healthier life.
Should I find a new buddy?
Submitted on Wednesday, January 07, 2009
By: Nicole
Age: 32
Location: Richmond
Question: Hi Victor,
According to the F*** Buddy, we want to hook-up at different times and that's why we haven't had sex in a while. To me that translates to "I'm no longer interested in seeing you". I told him if we were finished it was cool. I don't like drama. His response indicated everything was fine.
Should I find a new buddy?
VictorM's advice:
When he indicates everything is fine, I assume he means it according to his timetable, which is not to your liking. What's the point of a fuck buddy if he's not going to have sex with you when you want it?
It's time for a new and more available buddy. Or... why not just add a second one? Why have just one?
By: Nicole
Age: 32
Location: Richmond
Question: Hi Victor,
According to the F*** Buddy, we want to hook-up at different times and that's why we haven't had sex in a while. To me that translates to "I'm no longer interested in seeing you". I told him if we were finished it was cool. I don't like drama. His response indicated everything was fine.
Should I find a new buddy?
VictorM's advice:
When he indicates everything is fine, I assume he means it according to his timetable, which is not to your liking. What's the point of a fuck buddy if he's not going to have sex with you when you want it?
It's time for a new and more available buddy. Or... why not just add a second one? Why have just one?
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Teen Porn
Submitted on Tuesday, January 06, 2009
By: sara
Age: 26
Location: california
Question: is teen porn normal?
VictorM's advice:
Your question is rather vague so I'm just going to assume you're asking if it's normal for guys to like watching teen porn. If that's not what you mean, please write back and explain your question further.
Teen porn is the most popular of all types of porn. But that definition just doesn't mean girls who are 18 or 19 years old. Generally, girls in their early 20's are also considered "teens" for the sake of porn marketing. Basically, we're generally talking college ages. That explains why Girls Gone Wild (which quite often includes girls well into their 20's) is generally sold as teen porn.
Why this preference? Well, girls in that age group generally have the look that most appeals to guys: thigh skins, perkier boobs, shinier hair, and attitudes that denote care-free personalities. It is also the stage in most guys' lives when they were at their wildest and so the association with college days is made stronger.
Since porn is a form of fantasy, guys want to fantasize with the perfect females, physically wise. And girls in the 18 to 23 or so age range fill that bill as a collective group.
As to it being normal, well... if normal is judged by the number of people who do something, consider that legally purchased porn (never mind the illegally obtained kind) is a bigger business than all professional sports combined. COMBINED! So yeah, I'd say watching teen porn is normal.
By: sara
Age: 26
Location: california
Question: is teen porn normal?
VictorM's advice:
Your question is rather vague so I'm just going to assume you're asking if it's normal for guys to like watching teen porn. If that's not what you mean, please write back and explain your question further.
Teen porn is the most popular of all types of porn. But that definition just doesn't mean girls who are 18 or 19 years old. Generally, girls in their early 20's are also considered "teens" for the sake of porn marketing. Basically, we're generally talking college ages. That explains why Girls Gone Wild (which quite often includes girls well into their 20's) is generally sold as teen porn.
Why this preference? Well, girls in that age group generally have the look that most appeals to guys: thigh skins, perkier boobs, shinier hair, and attitudes that denote care-free personalities. It is also the stage in most guys' lives when they were at their wildest and so the association with college days is made stronger.
Since porn is a form of fantasy, guys want to fantasize with the perfect females, physically wise. And girls in the 18 to 23 or so age range fill that bill as a collective group.
As to it being normal, well... if normal is judged by the number of people who do something, consider that legally purchased porn (never mind the illegally obtained kind) is a bigger business than all professional sports combined. COMBINED! So yeah, I'd say watching teen porn is normal.
He just wants to spend time with you
Submitted on Tuesday, January 06, 2009
By: karen
Age: 42
Location: Montreal
Question: What does it mean when the guy you've been seeing for 3 months says he just wants to spend time with you?
VictorM's advice:
Unless there's some special context involved I'd say he's feeling closer to you.
By: karen
Age: 42
Location: Montreal
Question: What does it mean when the guy you've been seeing for 3 months says he just wants to spend time with you?
VictorM's advice:
Unless there's some special context involved I'd say he's feeling closer to you.
Message for Sara, from Dubai
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
Playing hard to get
Submitted on Tuesday, January 06, 2009
By: michelle
Age: 18
Location: arizona
Question: I know it's good to play hard to get with guys, but how do you know if you are overdoing it, or if it is coming off the wrong way? also, if you act a little mean (just a little), is that hard to get also?
i also had one more question. when should someone want to be in a relationship with you, or at least ask to be exclusive. like i have seen some of the people on here asking about someone they have dated or hooked up with for six or eight months, and you said if the guy didn't want to be exclusive with them at point, he wasn't really into them, or they weren't the one. but when do they first start to make that decision? and how much time or how many times do you need to go out before they should be bringing that up with you? i mean, assuming you have not slept with them yet.
thanks!
k, victor, sorry for the fifty questions, but this is my last one. i just think you give really good advice!
so my final question is, how do guys feel if you tease them a little when they are asking you out or when they are out with you, if you are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet? i mean does it hurt their feelings, or does it make them like you more? for example, by teasing, i mean pretending like you will say no to the date (but you show that you are joking) or you will not go out with them again or something like that. and if you do hurt their feelings that way, what should you do?
VictorM's advice:
Playing hard to get implies you want to be gotten, so it means keeping him close, seeking you out, wanting to be with you, and you cutting it a bit short, keeping him a bit off balance. If the guy is shy or insecure, if you come on too strong, or mean, you might just scare him away. You never want to do that. You want them to keep reaching, just that you move away a little, but you want to stay close enough that they keep trying.
But listen, the whole point is to get guys to get to know you without feeling they have reached the end of the line too easily. So it only pays off if you allow for enough circumstances when you two talk and get to know the other.
(Now, just between you and me... shhhhh... don't tell anyone but a little mean, just a little, sometimes works if the guy is confident enough).
As for how long before getting exclusive, I don't have an answer for you. So much varies on circumstances (how often you see each other, culture, religion, etc.) that I couldn't tell you. It boils down to your intuition and level of comfort.
Guys generally like being teased. Teasing is a form of attention and guys love to get a girl's attention.
Michelle... maybe you should consider not playing so many games. :)
By: michelle
Age: 18
Location: arizona
Question: I know it's good to play hard to get with guys, but how do you know if you are overdoing it, or if it is coming off the wrong way? also, if you act a little mean (just a little), is that hard to get also?
i also had one more question. when should someone want to be in a relationship with you, or at least ask to be exclusive. like i have seen some of the people on here asking about someone they have dated or hooked up with for six or eight months, and you said if the guy didn't want to be exclusive with them at point, he wasn't really into them, or they weren't the one. but when do they first start to make that decision? and how much time or how many times do you need to go out before they should be bringing that up with you? i mean, assuming you have not slept with them yet.
thanks!
k, victor, sorry for the fifty questions, but this is my last one. i just think you give really good advice!
so my final question is, how do guys feel if you tease them a little when they are asking you out or when they are out with you, if you are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet? i mean does it hurt their feelings, or does it make them like you more? for example, by teasing, i mean pretending like you will say no to the date (but you show that you are joking) or you will not go out with them again or something like that. and if you do hurt their feelings that way, what should you do?
VictorM's advice:
Playing hard to get implies you want to be gotten, so it means keeping him close, seeking you out, wanting to be with you, and you cutting it a bit short, keeping him a bit off balance. If the guy is shy or insecure, if you come on too strong, or mean, you might just scare him away. You never want to do that. You want them to keep reaching, just that you move away a little, but you want to stay close enough that they keep trying.
But listen, the whole point is to get guys to get to know you without feeling they have reached the end of the line too easily. So it only pays off if you allow for enough circumstances when you two talk and get to know the other.
(Now, just between you and me... shhhhh... don't tell anyone but a little mean, just a little, sometimes works if the guy is confident enough).
As for how long before getting exclusive, I don't have an answer for you. So much varies on circumstances (how often you see each other, culture, religion, etc.) that I couldn't tell you. It boils down to your intuition and level of comfort.
Guys generally like being teased. Teasing is a form of attention and guys love to get a girl's attention.
Michelle... maybe you should consider not playing so many games. :)
We still haven't put a label on anything
Submitted on Tuesday, January 06, 2009
By: Vera
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: SO I've been seeing this guy about 3 times a week for the past two months. We both decided that we didn't want to see other people about a month ago but still haven't put a label on anything. Last night I asked him if he considered himself to be my boyfriend and he said that he didn't know, and that "we're together but not bf/gf yet." So why would a guy want to be exclusive but not want me to be his girlfriend (I'm pretty sure it's the same thing)? Maybe it was the way I asked and he didn't know what I wanted? He's really hard to understand sometimes.
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Choosing to be exclusive is exactly that -- a choice, by each of you. Being boyfriend and girlfriend turns it into an obligation. He's not sure about you yet that he's willing to close the door and throw away the key.
If he walks away, or if he has sex with another, well... he never promised anything. You aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. Smart boy.
By the way, I don't think it's a sinister thing on his part, just a level above hanging out and a level below being a couple. Sorta like Catholics and purgatory.
By: Vera
Age: 20
Location: NY
Question: SO I've been seeing this guy about 3 times a week for the past two months. We both decided that we didn't want to see other people about a month ago but still haven't put a label on anything. Last night I asked him if he considered himself to be my boyfriend and he said that he didn't know, and that "we're together but not bf/gf yet." So why would a guy want to be exclusive but not want me to be his girlfriend (I'm pretty sure it's the same thing)? Maybe it was the way I asked and he didn't know what I wanted? He's really hard to understand sometimes.
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Choosing to be exclusive is exactly that -- a choice, by each of you. Being boyfriend and girlfriend turns it into an obligation. He's not sure about you yet that he's willing to close the door and throw away the key.
If he walks away, or if he has sex with another, well... he never promised anything. You aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. Smart boy.
By the way, I don't think it's a sinister thing on his part, just a level above hanging out and a level below being a couple. Sorta like Catholics and purgatory.
We eventually end up having sex every time we hang out
Submitted on Tuesday, January 06, 2009
By: Kari
Age: 26
Location: Cincinnati
Question: I met this guy on-line and we have been talking for over a month. He invited me to hang out with his friends one night (which I did and we had a good time, we watched movies together, etc. We eventually end up having sex every time we hang out since our 3rd date. He usually calls me every day to just say hi but it's been 4 days since his last phone call to me. I sent him a text message with a simply "hello I hope you are ok" but have yet to receive a message back from him acknowledging my message. I am not sure why the phone calls stopped. Was he not that into me?
VictorM's advice:
Well, I think he was into you, the question is whether he's still into you now. Maybe he's not.
Or maybe he's just not horny these days.
By: Kari
Age: 26
Location: Cincinnati
Question: I met this guy on-line and we have been talking for over a month. He invited me to hang out with his friends one night (which I did and we had a good time, we watched movies together, etc. We eventually end up having sex every time we hang out since our 3rd date. He usually calls me every day to just say hi but it's been 4 days since his last phone call to me. I sent him a text message with a simply "hello I hope you are ok" but have yet to receive a message back from him acknowledging my message. I am not sure why the phone calls stopped. Was he not that into me?
VictorM's advice:
Well, I think he was into you, the question is whether he's still into you now. Maybe he's not.
Or maybe he's just not horny these days.
I called him a jackass
Submitted on Tuesday, January 06, 2009
By: Lyna
Age: 19
Location: Davis
Question: Hi Victor. Do you remember me? Well from the last time i send you my problems, things have well kind of change a little. It's getting better.
He forgive me for calling him a jackass on the last day of school. Well over the 3 week of winter break, we haven't talked to each other. 5 days after I called him a jackass, i talked to him again online. He sound okay and was talking to me like normal, but then the next day when I aimed him to ask him something he didn't respond and the next thing I know, he blocked me. I don't get why. I thought things were going fine. My friend called him and he told her that "I (meaning me) need to move on with my life and not let him make me miserable". He told her he just needs more space. When I found out he blocked me I send him a message and said "since you initiate to block me, are you saying we're no longer friends"? He didn't respond, he just unblock me. This is just a recap of what happen.
After we got back to school, things were going fine. I gave him his birthday present. I didn't give it to him directly. He wasn't at his dorm so I just drop it off. He message me later when he got back saying thank you and stuff. The next day, he gave me a call and asked if I want to play badminton with him. I told him I'll come later and when i did, he didn't even talk to me. I don't get it. He invite me there but didn't talk or say hi to me. Well i didn't either but that's because I feel I have nothing to say to him. I don't know why. I came over to his place again today just to check if he open or used my present. He actually did. Btw, i gave him an alarm clock. He used it. Well the question I wanted to ask was, do you think he still or even likes me or he's just treating me like a friend?
VictorM's advice:
I think he's trying to just be your friend, but I don't think you come across to him as wanting just that, so once in while he pushes you away. Now, you may say that you are just a friend, but I ask you, how many other just-friend males did you give a birthday gift to?
I think he wants you just as a friend, not a lover and not even a close friend. Just a friend.
By: Lyna
Age: 19
Location: Davis
Question: Hi Victor. Do you remember me? Well from the last time i send you my problems, things have well kind of change a little. It's getting better.
He forgive me for calling him a jackass on the last day of school. Well over the 3 week of winter break, we haven't talked to each other. 5 days after I called him a jackass, i talked to him again online. He sound okay and was talking to me like normal, but then the next day when I aimed him to ask him something he didn't respond and the next thing I know, he blocked me. I don't get why. I thought things were going fine. My friend called him and he told her that "I (meaning me) need to move on with my life and not let him make me miserable". He told her he just needs more space. When I found out he blocked me I send him a message and said "since you initiate to block me, are you saying we're no longer friends"? He didn't respond, he just unblock me. This is just a recap of what happen.
After we got back to school, things were going fine. I gave him his birthday present. I didn't give it to him directly. He wasn't at his dorm so I just drop it off. He message me later when he got back saying thank you and stuff. The next day, he gave me a call and asked if I want to play badminton with him. I told him I'll come later and when i did, he didn't even talk to me. I don't get it. He invite me there but didn't talk or say hi to me. Well i didn't either but that's because I feel I have nothing to say to him. I don't know why. I came over to his place again today just to check if he open or used my present. He actually did. Btw, i gave him an alarm clock. He used it. Well the question I wanted to ask was, do you think he still or even likes me or he's just treating me like a friend?
VictorM's advice:
I think he's trying to just be your friend, but I don't think you come across to him as wanting just that, so once in while he pushes you away. Now, you may say that you are just a friend, but I ask you, how many other just-friend males did you give a birthday gift to?
I think he wants you just as a friend, not a lover and not even a close friend. Just a friend.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Every time I see him I cannot help but tense up
Submitted on Monday, January 05, 2009
By: Bonnie
Age: 14
Location: Maine
Question: I like this boy. I am a freshman and he is a junior. Homecoming is coming up. I haven't even talk to him yet. But homecoming is in two to three weeks. Should I ask him to homecoming since I know he doesn't have a date? Or should I try to be friends and just go with the flow? Every time I see him I cannot help but tense up. What should I do about that? He is a little bit suspicious of me because every time I see him I know he has noticed me tensing up. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much if he notices you tensing up. Boys are clueless about that stuff.
Sure, ask him to homecoming, if you have the nerve to do it. The worst he can do is say no, and even that is more of a conversation than you have now. So go for it.
And doing worry about tensing up; it's quite common and not detrimental. It just shows you that you feel something special about someone else. It's like a free early warning system. :)
By: Bonnie
Age: 14
Location: Maine
Question: I like this boy. I am a freshman and he is a junior. Homecoming is coming up. I haven't even talk to him yet. But homecoming is in two to three weeks. Should I ask him to homecoming since I know he doesn't have a date? Or should I try to be friends and just go with the flow? Every time I see him I cannot help but tense up. What should I do about that? He is a little bit suspicious of me because every time I see him I know he has noticed me tensing up. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much if he notices you tensing up. Boys are clueless about that stuff.
Sure, ask him to homecoming, if you have the nerve to do it. The worst he can do is say no, and even that is more of a conversation than you have now. So go for it.
And doing worry about tensing up; it's quite common and not detrimental. It just shows you that you feel something special about someone else. It's like a free early warning system. :)
I have an amazing boyfriend
Submitted on Monday, January 05, 2009
By: lacie
Age: 15
Location: tennessee
Question: I have an amazing boyfriend, Blake, we have been dating now for almost a month and he still hasn't kissed me, and I don't want to make the first move. Also, he is a virgin and I'm not. Is that bad? Should I feel badly because he hasn't kissed me yet and should I wonder why he is so shy around me? I don't know but I wish I had some help with this one.
My mom knows i am not a virgin and she calls me out on it all the time she says that i'm a whore and a slut..it really hurts my feelings. Am i really a whore and a slut for having sex at my age? I mean i only did it a couple of times and it was with the same guy anyways. Please help?
VictorM's advice:
Boys mature later than boys, so it doesn't surprise me if your boyfriend still feels intimidated around you. It's normal for your age group. And that he's a virgin and you're not is not a problem, but if he knows this, it may add to him being intimidated by you. But generally, I'll say there's nothing to worry about; what's going on is quite common. Just be patient with him.
As for your mother... well, I understand that the words she calls you are painful. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to stop her from saying them, other than asking her not to. You can, however, try to understand that often times people with good intentions say the dumbest things. Your mom probably just intents for you not to make the same mistakes again and she thinks insulting you is the way to prevent it. Of course, it's not, but that's what she thinks.
By: lacie
Age: 15
Location: tennessee
Question: I have an amazing boyfriend, Blake, we have been dating now for almost a month and he still hasn't kissed me, and I don't want to make the first move. Also, he is a virgin and I'm not. Is that bad? Should I feel badly because he hasn't kissed me yet and should I wonder why he is so shy around me? I don't know but I wish I had some help with this one.
My mom knows i am not a virgin and she calls me out on it all the time she says that i'm a whore and a slut..it really hurts my feelings. Am i really a whore and a slut for having sex at my age? I mean i only did it a couple of times and it was with the same guy anyways. Please help?
VictorM's advice:
Boys mature later than boys, so it doesn't surprise me if your boyfriend still feels intimidated around you. It's normal for your age group. And that he's a virgin and you're not is not a problem, but if he knows this, it may add to him being intimidated by you. But generally, I'll say there's nothing to worry about; what's going on is quite common. Just be patient with him.
As for your mother... well, I understand that the words she calls you are painful. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to stop her from saying them, other than asking her not to. You can, however, try to understand that often times people with good intentions say the dumbest things. Your mom probably just intents for you not to make the same mistakes again and she thinks insulting you is the way to prevent it. Of course, it's not, but that's what she thinks.
Monday, January 05, 2009
I just got my heart broken very unexpectedly
Submitted on Monday, January 05, 2009
By: Maggie
Age: 26
Location: NY
Question: I just got my heart broken very unexpectedly.
I was in a long distance relationship for about 5 months. We just spent about 2 weeks together and it was amazing. There had been talks of continuing it and where it could go. The day I got home he called it off. He claims he is not ready for a relationship and likes his life now. He admitted to possibly being too immature for a relationship and that we were no longer on the same page.
I would like to believe he is being truthful, but I am in such shock and I don't know how to move on.
Please share your thoughts...
VictorM's advice:
Once a guy delivers that kind of news, you can pretty much forget everything he says after it. Guys will say anything to get the torment over as quickly as possible. "Immature," "not on the same page," likes his life now," etc. those may all be true, they may not be, you just don't know. What you know for sure is that the relationship no longer works for him.
I suggest next time around you look for someone closer to home. Long distance relationships are hard, and virtually impossible for a guy to maintain.
By: Maggie
Age: 26
Location: NY
Question: I just got my heart broken very unexpectedly.
I was in a long distance relationship for about 5 months. We just spent about 2 weeks together and it was amazing. There had been talks of continuing it and where it could go. The day I got home he called it off. He claims he is not ready for a relationship and likes his life now. He admitted to possibly being too immature for a relationship and that we were no longer on the same page.
I would like to believe he is being truthful, but I am in such shock and I don't know how to move on.
Please share your thoughts...
VictorM's advice:
Once a guy delivers that kind of news, you can pretty much forget everything he says after it. Guys will say anything to get the torment over as quickly as possible. "Immature," "not on the same page," likes his life now," etc. those may all be true, they may not be, you just don't know. What you know for sure is that the relationship no longer works for him.
I suggest next time around you look for someone closer to home. Long distance relationships are hard, and virtually impossible for a guy to maintain.
He called her cute
Submitted on Monday, January 05, 2009
By: cortney
Age: 13
Location: ohio
Question: What should you do if your boyfriend called another girl cute?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing.
What, are you trying to tell me that you don't find other boys cute?
By: cortney
Age: 13
Location: ohio
Question: What should you do if your boyfriend called another girl cute?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing.
What, are you trying to tell me that you don't find other boys cute?
It seems like he's on pins and needles
Submitted on Sunday, January 04, 2009
By: Lynn
Age: 32
Location: Atlanta, GA
Question: I have a question about a guy I'm friends with in trying to understand his intentions towards me. I've known him for 2 1/2 years, just friends, everything's fine. About a couple months ago, things kinda sorta changed, I think. He would make comments about thinking I was cute. He would start to get touchy with me - starting with hugs when I saw him to now hugs, squeezing my shoulders, side hugs, not moving his leg when it hits mine. He would stare at me with this goofy grin on his face and about two weeks ago just started picking on me unmercifully. I finally had to tell him to knock it off because it was making me angry, and he did.
Our friends make comments like "are you going to start picking on each other, you're like brother and sister!" He's been more gentlemanly as well. Once he waited for me to make sure my car started. He recently bought me coffee at a Starbucks and I was shocked because I had given him money for mine. It seems like he's on pins and needles to make sure I'm OK. At the last minute, I invited him out with some friends for my birthday and he came and actually left early from a meeting he had to come and he even got me a card. He's very sweet and I'm beginning to like him. Does he like me back and do you think he could ask me out soon?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but you may have to do some work on your part if you want to encourage him to ask you out after you told him to "knock it off."
By: Lynn
Age: 32
Location: Atlanta, GA
Question: I have a question about a guy I'm friends with in trying to understand his intentions towards me. I've known him for 2 1/2 years, just friends, everything's fine. About a couple months ago, things kinda sorta changed, I think. He would make comments about thinking I was cute. He would start to get touchy with me - starting with hugs when I saw him to now hugs, squeezing my shoulders, side hugs, not moving his leg when it hits mine. He would stare at me with this goofy grin on his face and about two weeks ago just started picking on me unmercifully. I finally had to tell him to knock it off because it was making me angry, and he did.
Our friends make comments like "are you going to start picking on each other, you're like brother and sister!" He's been more gentlemanly as well. Once he waited for me to make sure my car started. He recently bought me coffee at a Starbucks and I was shocked because I had given him money for mine. It seems like he's on pins and needles to make sure I'm OK. At the last minute, I invited him out with some friends for my birthday and he came and actually left early from a meeting he had to come and he even got me a card. He's very sweet and I'm beginning to like him. Does he like me back and do you think he could ask me out soon?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but you may have to do some work on your part if you want to encourage him to ask you out after you told him to "knock it off."
Message for Bianca, in Far Away
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
We both have a facebook
Submitted on Sunday, January 04, 2009
By: Renali
Age: 14
Location: Greensboro
Question: I like this boy. I'm a freshman and he's a sophomore. We do not go to the same school but there is this association where I see him about twice a month. We both have a facebook and I talk to one of his cousins (who are in his group of friends). This sophomore I like is really attractive and amazing at sports. He doesn't talk to girls all to much. Although when it comes to sports and stuff he gets really cocky cause he knows he is really good at it. I haven't talked to him but I've seen him around and stuff. I like him and I know for sure that he does not like me. I also know that two of the people in his group think I am really hot. I am not trying to say I am all that cause i know i am not but all the time people tell me how beautiful i am. I imed him on facebook one time and said hey and he signed off two minutes later. He knows I like him and he does not like me back, but he doesn't even know me. Oh, and by the way his cousin also told me that he didn't like me. So these are all the signals I have gotten. I do not understand whether he hates or likes me or what? PLEASE help me because no matter I try to stop liking him I just cannot. I sometimes like someone else but all the while i still like him. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO HIM!!! Also I am shy. Everyone knows I like him and they all know he does not like me back. He has heard people talk about how pretty they think I am multiple times but he doesn't not ever comment. And he is not gay just by the way. Okay, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!
VictorM's advice:
Well, just because a boy around your age says he doesn't like you, doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Sometimes boys say that to avoid having to deal with annoying friends and not to scare away other girls. So don't let that deter you.
Why don't you IM him and ask a specific question about sports (in particular, a sport that he knows a lot about). Just IM him and say something like: "Hi, I know you know a lot about sports and I have a question about [sport he knows]. Is it OK if I ask it?" Of course, you have to have something you want to ask that will allow him to show off to you. Something like asking him to explain the offside rule in soccer, or the infield fly rule in baseball. Something a bit complicated so that: a) it juices up his ego, and 2) so it takes some time and some back and forth questions and answers.
By: Renali
Age: 14
Location: Greensboro
Question: I like this boy. I'm a freshman and he's a sophomore. We do not go to the same school but there is this association where I see him about twice a month. We both have a facebook and I talk to one of his cousins (who are in his group of friends). This sophomore I like is really attractive and amazing at sports. He doesn't talk to girls all to much. Although when it comes to sports and stuff he gets really cocky cause he knows he is really good at it. I haven't talked to him but I've seen him around and stuff. I like him and I know for sure that he does not like me. I also know that two of the people in his group think I am really hot. I am not trying to say I am all that cause i know i am not but all the time people tell me how beautiful i am. I imed him on facebook one time and said hey and he signed off two minutes later. He knows I like him and he does not like me back, but he doesn't even know me. Oh, and by the way his cousin also told me that he didn't like me. So these are all the signals I have gotten. I do not understand whether he hates or likes me or what? PLEASE help me because no matter I try to stop liking him I just cannot. I sometimes like someone else but all the while i still like him. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO HIM!!! Also I am shy. Everyone knows I like him and they all know he does not like me back. He has heard people talk about how pretty they think I am multiple times but he doesn't not ever comment. And he is not gay just by the way. Okay, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!
VictorM's advice:
Well, just because a boy around your age says he doesn't like you, doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Sometimes boys say that to avoid having to deal with annoying friends and not to scare away other girls. So don't let that deter you.
Why don't you IM him and ask a specific question about sports (in particular, a sport that he knows a lot about). Just IM him and say something like: "Hi, I know you know a lot about sports and I have a question about [sport he knows]. Is it OK if I ask it?" Of course, you have to have something you want to ask that will allow him to show off to you. Something like asking him to explain the offside rule in soccer, or the infield fly rule in baseball. Something a bit complicated so that: a) it juices up his ego, and 2) so it takes some time and some back and forth questions and answers.
He did not want a relationship with anyone
Submitted on Sunday, January 04, 2009
By: Kate
Age: 29
Location: Md
Question: 8 months ago met this man (29) who told me up front he did not want a relationship with anyone. We basically became friends w/benefits only we also went on dates, movies, dinners, out with his friends on double dates, dancing, etc. He constantly told me how much he cared for and respected me yet didnt want a relationship. We committed to be monogomous as far as sex only. Unfortunately, I fell for him. Hard. We had a long talk last night where he told me that though he cares for and respects me, thinks I'm attractive, funny, all the things he wants in a woman, he still doesn't want a relationship and wants to just be friends. He said that the reason is he is still hung up on his ex fiance (3 yrs ago he was in hospital she broke up w/him) and his high school gf (10 yrs ago). He recently saw h.s. ex and said if she wanted him to move to her state he would. She didn't but he says the fact that he still loves them isn't fair to me and so he can't/won't love me. I guess I want to know if it sounds like that is even remotely possible. Secondly, I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore for a long while that he can just text or write me but no in person. I explained that I want a relationship and he told me he knows and thats why this is better. I told it was his loss and he said "the thing is.. i know". I don't want to fix him but I'm trying to figure out: 1. If I should exit completely. 2. If it's possible he really is that damaged or hung up on them
VictorM's advice:
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
He's been around you long enough to know that while you're great company, you don't set his soul on fire. He's had that experience before and won't settle for less.
Falling in love is not a rational decision. It's not making a list of pros and cons and choosing the one with the most positives on the ledger. Sometimes we walk way from a person we love because we recognize they're wrong for us, but we can't force ourselves to be in love with someone if we don't feel it, not matter how wonderful they may be. So, sorry to disappoint you, but no, it's not his loss. He's doing the right thing by following his heart and by being honest with you.
One of the best techniques I've learned to deal with past mistakes is this simple little approach: Don't say "I should have...", say "Next time I will..."
With that in mind... next time you will not consent to a friends with benefits situation unless you've known the guy and know fully well that love with him is not in the cards. The reason is that the odds that a guy will think that a woman who is willing to go along with sex with benefits is a woman worthy of being the mother of his children is very remote. It is a messed up world in many ways but here's an unfair reality: guys generally don't hold much respect for a woman who is willing to have unattached sex. Sure, we want it, we like it, we're fine having it, but don't ask to be respected (as a mate for life) in the morning. Generally, it won't happen.
By: Kate
Age: 29
Location: Md
Question: 8 months ago met this man (29) who told me up front he did not want a relationship with anyone. We basically became friends w/benefits only we also went on dates, movies, dinners, out with his friends on double dates, dancing, etc. He constantly told me how much he cared for and respected me yet didnt want a relationship. We committed to be monogomous as far as sex only. Unfortunately, I fell for him. Hard. We had a long talk last night where he told me that though he cares for and respects me, thinks I'm attractive, funny, all the things he wants in a woman, he still doesn't want a relationship and wants to just be friends. He said that the reason is he is still hung up on his ex fiance (3 yrs ago he was in hospital she broke up w/him) and his high school gf (10 yrs ago). He recently saw h.s. ex and said if she wanted him to move to her state he would. She didn't but he says the fact that he still loves them isn't fair to me and so he can't/won't love me. I guess I want to know if it sounds like that is even remotely possible. Secondly, I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore for a long while that he can just text or write me but no in person. I explained that I want a relationship and he told me he knows and thats why this is better. I told it was his loss and he said "the thing is.. i know". I don't want to fix him but I'm trying to figure out: 1. If I should exit completely. 2. If it's possible he really is that damaged or hung up on them
VictorM's advice:
1. Yes.
2. Yes.
He's been around you long enough to know that while you're great company, you don't set his soul on fire. He's had that experience before and won't settle for less.
Falling in love is not a rational decision. It's not making a list of pros and cons and choosing the one with the most positives on the ledger. Sometimes we walk way from a person we love because we recognize they're wrong for us, but we can't force ourselves to be in love with someone if we don't feel it, not matter how wonderful they may be. So, sorry to disappoint you, but no, it's not his loss. He's doing the right thing by following his heart and by being honest with you.
One of the best techniques I've learned to deal with past mistakes is this simple little approach: Don't say "I should have...", say "Next time I will..."
With that in mind... next time you will not consent to a friends with benefits situation unless you've known the guy and know fully well that love with him is not in the cards. The reason is that the odds that a guy will think that a woman who is willing to go along with sex with benefits is a woman worthy of being the mother of his children is very remote. It is a messed up world in many ways but here's an unfair reality: guys generally don't hold much respect for a woman who is willing to have unattached sex. Sure, we want it, we like it, we're fine having it, but don't ask to be respected (as a mate for life) in the morning. Generally, it won't happen.
I'm romantic girl who believes in marriage and kids
Submitted on Saturday, January 03, 2009
By: Sara
Age: 23
Location: Dubai
Question: I want to know I had two relationships before, one of them I ended it before week, I feel sometime depressed because I'm romantic girl who believes in marriage and kids, and I'm trying to be patient with my fate, cause it will change someday in better way, but right now I feel like I don't want to date. Right now I want to do many things in my life like any achievement.
The last time I had relation with someone, we were just like each others and only we did sex two times and this relation I know it was so impossible... from every side. I'm picky girl when I like someone that means I really like him, he was good in treating me good, but he wasn't calling me, he says he is just like me and he is very busy, but I know that he only wants me for sex from the beginning.. off course I had to leave him cause I wasn't feeling right, but I will not tell you that it was just his fault, cause I know it is my fault too cause there is something in me wants to have sex with him, without caring if he is going to love me... Does it mean that I like Sex so much and everyone see that in me that's why they only want this thing? I didn't mind that he wants it cause I want it too, but I want him also to see the real me, to love me more..I really want to have kids, I'm so educated and ambitious and patient with any guy, listen and I can find solutions for his problems, and caring, and I will do anything to support my guy, I want to stay Single for a while, but I can't, I'm too passionate and tender and I can't keep it in my heart so either I have kids or love a guy..it just I can't even if I tried to get busy.. and don't tell me that I have to date cause all of them, they think I'm pretty, sexy, but they can't do much more. So what do you think of my situation real guy?
And I want to ask you question: who are you?? and how did you create this idea, how do you know all of that about relationships..and does this make you perfect in your relations..I think no.. cause you wouldn't have this experiences Right??
VictorM's advice:
First thing you have to do is stop thinking in terms of "fault." When a relationship doesn't work, it's not his fault, it's not your fault; sometimes people just aren't a good match for each other. Moving on shouldn't be viewed as a defeat, but a victory, for you have realized, in time, that you haven't found your match.
The notion that guys are after sex is not new and not limited to certain cultures; it's been this way the world over since the dawn of time. So, no, you liking sex has nothing to do with a guy's interest in sex.
You may not want to hear it, but you do have to keep looking and keep dating new guys. It's the only way you're going to find the one that will be worthy of being the father of your children.
As for me... I got here making mistakes, like everyone else. Therapy as my marriage ended, followed by reading a lot of self-help books, noticing the differences between my son and my daughter, and just experiencing life around others, mostly females, highlighted to me how in so many ways males and females simply look at the world differently. When I was asked at a website for girls to step in for a few days and give advice because of a vacancy, I realized I liked doing it. Eventually I created this site, which I maintain as a hobby. But one thing I know for sure: it's easier to give advice when the problems aren't your own. And that is why sometimes friends and family are the worst people to go to -- they are too emotional involved. Sometimes, a stranger on the internet might be a better option.
But going back to you, one word of caution. You say "I can find solutions for his problems." Realize that men are by nature problem solvers. To a lot of guys, a woman who wants to solve his problems comes across as a mommy (read that as "bossy"), not a lover. And to most guys, that can be quite annoying. In some ways, it diminishes their self-worth around you and might provoke them to kick their machismo into a higher level to compensate. Listen to them, empathize with their situations, but let them solve their own problems.
By: Sara
Age: 23
Location: Dubai
Question: I want to know I had two relationships before, one of them I ended it before week, I feel sometime depressed because I'm romantic girl who believes in marriage and kids, and I'm trying to be patient with my fate, cause it will change someday in better way, but right now I feel like I don't want to date. Right now I want to do many things in my life like any achievement.
The last time I had relation with someone, we were just like each others and only we did sex two times and this relation I know it was so impossible... from every side. I'm picky girl when I like someone that means I really like him, he was good in treating me good, but he wasn't calling me, he says he is just like me and he is very busy, but I know that he only wants me for sex from the beginning.. off course I had to leave him cause I wasn't feeling right, but I will not tell you that it was just his fault, cause I know it is my fault too cause there is something in me wants to have sex with him, without caring if he is going to love me... Does it mean that I like Sex so much and everyone see that in me that's why they only want this thing? I didn't mind that he wants it cause I want it too, but I want him also to see the real me, to love me more..I really want to have kids, I'm so educated and ambitious and patient with any guy, listen and I can find solutions for his problems, and caring, and I will do anything to support my guy, I want to stay Single for a while, but I can't, I'm too passionate and tender and I can't keep it in my heart so either I have kids or love a guy..it just I can't even if I tried to get busy.. and don't tell me that I have to date cause all of them, they think I'm pretty, sexy, but they can't do much more. So what do you think of my situation real guy?
And I want to ask you question: who are you?? and how did you create this idea, how do you know all of that about relationships..and does this make you perfect in your relations..I think no.. cause you wouldn't have this experiences Right??
VictorM's advice:
First thing you have to do is stop thinking in terms of "fault." When a relationship doesn't work, it's not his fault, it's not your fault; sometimes people just aren't a good match for each other. Moving on shouldn't be viewed as a defeat, but a victory, for you have realized, in time, that you haven't found your match.
The notion that guys are after sex is not new and not limited to certain cultures; it's been this way the world over since the dawn of time. So, no, you liking sex has nothing to do with a guy's interest in sex.
You may not want to hear it, but you do have to keep looking and keep dating new guys. It's the only way you're going to find the one that will be worthy of being the father of your children.
As for me... I got here making mistakes, like everyone else. Therapy as my marriage ended, followed by reading a lot of self-help books, noticing the differences between my son and my daughter, and just experiencing life around others, mostly females, highlighted to me how in so many ways males and females simply look at the world differently. When I was asked at a website for girls to step in for a few days and give advice because of a vacancy, I realized I liked doing it. Eventually I created this site, which I maintain as a hobby. But one thing I know for sure: it's easier to give advice when the problems aren't your own. And that is why sometimes friends and family are the worst people to go to -- they are too emotional involved. Sometimes, a stranger on the internet might be a better option.
But going back to you, one word of caution. You say "I can find solutions for his problems." Realize that men are by nature problem solvers. To a lot of guys, a woman who wants to solve his problems comes across as a mommy (read that as "bossy"), not a lover. And to most guys, that can be quite annoying. In some ways, it diminishes their self-worth around you and might provoke them to kick their machismo into a higher level to compensate. Listen to them, empathize with their situations, but let them solve their own problems.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Is that how guys work?
Submitted on Saturday, January 03, 2009
By: Julia
Age: 29
Location: New York
Question: Do guys need to have a physical relationship with a girl before they can love her?
Dear Victor:
I really like reading this blog because it provides an insightful advice about relationships.
I have known a guy friend for about a year. We hang out once or twice a month because we live in different states. He tells me he cannot have a relationship because he moves a lot since he is training for a competition, but wants to meet my parents. We have never been intimate. I give him hugs every time I see him. We have amazing deep conversations about anything. I think he has feelings for me and when I asked him he said that he does not have those kind of feelings because we are not physical. Is that how guys work? He has to sleep with a girl so that he can love her or is he just testing the waters.
I have told him that I cannot do hook ups because it is not me. I have to be in a monogamous relationship so that I can kiss and have sex with that man otherwise I will feel used.
Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I think your friend was clumsy with his words, but I understand what he's saying.
Guys are much more physical than girls. By physical I don't mean sex necessarily. But while girls can have a long distance relationship and get satisfaction from the mental aspects of it, guys generally don't. With guys is out of sight, out of mind, so to speak.
He's talking about the ability to see you, touch you, smell you, taste you, be in your company. Guys need the physical presence, otherwise, well, we might as well just read a book.
By: Julia
Age: 29
Location: New York
Question: Do guys need to have a physical relationship with a girl before they can love her?
Dear Victor:
I really like reading this blog because it provides an insightful advice about relationships.
I have known a guy friend for about a year. We hang out once or twice a month because we live in different states. He tells me he cannot have a relationship because he moves a lot since he is training for a competition, but wants to meet my parents. We have never been intimate. I give him hugs every time I see him. We have amazing deep conversations about anything. I think he has feelings for me and when I asked him he said that he does not have those kind of feelings because we are not physical. Is that how guys work? He has to sleep with a girl so that he can love her or is he just testing the waters.
I have told him that I cannot do hook ups because it is not me. I have to be in a monogamous relationship so that I can kiss and have sex with that man otherwise I will feel used.
Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I think your friend was clumsy with his words, but I understand what he's saying.
Guys are much more physical than girls. By physical I don't mean sex necessarily. But while girls can have a long distance relationship and get satisfaction from the mental aspects of it, guys generally don't. With guys is out of sight, out of mind, so to speak.
He's talking about the ability to see you, touch you, smell you, taste you, be in your company. Guys need the physical presence, otherwise, well, we might as well just read a book.
Guys don't like tall brunettes with brown eyes
Submitted on Saturday, January 03, 2009
By: Kelly
Age: 12
Location: MO
Question: I'm self-conscious about my appearance. Guys don't like tall brunettes with brown eyes. I know there are still things I can do about it, but I don't want to. However, what I do want is for a guy to like me. Can you give me advice, please?
VictorM's advice:
"Guys don't like tall brunettes with brown eyes"... Kelly, I think you're sniffing too much cow manure out there in the Show Me state. "Guys don't like tall brunettes with brown eyes"? That just is not true.
The problem is that you're 12 and most boys around your age know jack crap about attractive girls. Heck, most of them haven't even learn how to wipe their butts properly. Brown strips everywhere, if you know what I mean. And, boys usually develop much later than girls. Basically, most boys around your age really aren't into girls yet, brunettes or otherwise.
You just hang in there and soon enough you'll realize that tall brunettes with brown eyes rock most boys' world... once they learn to appreciate them.
By: Kelly
Age: 12
Location: MO
Question: I'm self-conscious about my appearance. Guys don't like tall brunettes with brown eyes. I know there are still things I can do about it, but I don't want to. However, what I do want is for a guy to like me. Can you give me advice, please?
VictorM's advice:
"Guys don't like tall brunettes with brown eyes"... Kelly, I think you're sniffing too much cow manure out there in the Show Me state. "Guys don't like tall brunettes with brown eyes"? That just is not true.
The problem is that you're 12 and most boys around your age know jack crap about attractive girls. Heck, most of them haven't even learn how to wipe their butts properly. Brown strips everywhere, if you know what I mean. And, boys usually develop much later than girls. Basically, most boys around your age really aren't into girls yet, brunettes or otherwise.
You just hang in there and soon enough you'll realize that tall brunettes with brown eyes rock most boys' world... once they learn to appreciate them.
Truly sorry about a huge argument
Submitted on Saturday, January 03, 2009
By: K
Question: What is the best way to show your boyfriend you are truly sorry about a huge argument you had? I want to do something more meaningful than just saying I'm sorry.
VictorM's advice:
Making out with your best female friend and letting him join in.
If that doesn't work for you, let's try something else.
Realize that guys aren't into the big productions that girls are... you know, gigantic apologies on national television followed by super expensive flowers, candy, and shopping spree at your favorite store. For a guy, a sincere "I'm sorry" while looking him in the eyes will suffice.
By: K
Question: What is the best way to show your boyfriend you are truly sorry about a huge argument you had? I want to do something more meaningful than just saying I'm sorry.
VictorM's advice:
Making out with your best female friend and letting him join in.
If that doesn't work for you, let's try something else.
Realize that guys aren't into the big productions that girls are... you know, gigantic apologies on national television followed by super expensive flowers, candy, and shopping spree at your favorite store. For a guy, a sincere "I'm sorry" while looking him in the eyes will suffice.
When I'm around him he's very shy
Submitted on Saturday, January 03, 2009
By: Sophie
Age: 16
Location: Missouri
Question: Ok, I have a question. What does it mean when a guy is very outgoing with his friends but when I'm around him he's very shy. This guy also stares at me a lot and even my friends have noticed and told me he was staring at me. I really don't know what to do please help!
VictorM's advice:
Changed behavior is the best indicator that someone likes you.
The question is: does he get shy around other girls as well or just you? If it's just you, order the wedding gown.
By: Sophie
Age: 16
Location: Missouri
Question: Ok, I have a question. What does it mean when a guy is very outgoing with his friends but when I'm around him he's very shy. This guy also stares at me a lot and even my friends have noticed and told me he was staring at me. I really don't know what to do please help!
VictorM's advice:
Changed behavior is the best indicator that someone likes you.
The question is: does he get shy around other girls as well or just you? If it's just you, order the wedding gown.
I texted him and just said 'hey.'
Submitted on Friday, January 02, 2009
By: Andrea
Age: 15
Location: Philly
Question: Okay so I liked this guy for a while (he just turned 19), and about a month ago he told me he liked me. I freaked, as usual, when a guy tells me they like me back. But then yesterday, I realized I really, really like him, so I texted him and said "I like you." He replied, "same =)'" so later in the evening, I texted him and just said 'hey.' and he hasn't answered. What does this mean?
He went to my school last year, and now he's in college, and I'm a sophmore. But that doesnt matter to me. Our relationship has just gotten flirty, and we both value this friendship, but now I have these feelings that wont go away and I just keep falling harder for the past week. So since he didn't text me back does he not like me? Please help me... :/
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's responded by now. If not, who knows, maybe his dog ate the phone.
But, for your information, guys are generally very practical in nature. They'll send a text or respond to a text if there's actually something to say. Avoid the "hey" stuff and say something meaningful. And if you'd like a reply, make sure you say something in the form of a question, with a "?" at the end.
By: Andrea
Age: 15
Location: Philly
Question: Okay so I liked this guy for a while (he just turned 19), and about a month ago he told me he liked me. I freaked, as usual, when a guy tells me they like me back. But then yesterday, I realized I really, really like him, so I texted him and said "I like you." He replied, "same =)'" so later in the evening, I texted him and just said 'hey.' and he hasn't answered. What does this mean?
He went to my school last year, and now he's in college, and I'm a sophmore. But that doesnt matter to me. Our relationship has just gotten flirty, and we both value this friendship, but now I have these feelings that wont go away and I just keep falling harder for the past week. So since he didn't text me back does he not like me? Please help me... :/
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's responded by now. If not, who knows, maybe his dog ate the phone.
But, for your information, guys are generally very practical in nature. They'll send a text or respond to a text if there's actually something to say. Avoid the "hey" stuff and say something meaningful. And if you'd like a reply, make sure you say something in the form of a question, with a "?" at the end.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
He hates me because he likes me?
Submitted on Friday, January 02, 2009
By: Christi
Age: 13
Location: Orlando, Florida
Question: My guy friend told me he liked me unexpectedly. I didn't have a reply, and still don't, and now it's awkward. Whenever I look at him he says "I hate you" and when I ask why he says "I like you okay". So he hates me because he likes me? I don't know what to do or how to feel. I miss his happy goofy attitude. Does he think I've rejected him? And why does he hate me? One minute I like him the next I don't. HELP?!
VictorM's advice:
Of course he doesn't hate you. He's saying that to get your attention, maybe even your sympathy.
When he told you he liked you and you didn't say you liked him back, he took it as rejection. So he's a bit hurt and maybe even embarrassed. So... what you need to do is ignore this incident and just act goofy or silly with him the way you always have. See, the best way to return to the way things were is by acting like the way you did when things were the way they were. If you do that, he'll join you because: 1) he likes your company and wants to keep it, and 2) it'll make him feel normal again.
By: Christi
Age: 13
Location: Orlando, Florida
Question: My guy friend told me he liked me unexpectedly. I didn't have a reply, and still don't, and now it's awkward. Whenever I look at him he says "I hate you" and when I ask why he says "I like you okay". So he hates me because he likes me? I don't know what to do or how to feel. I miss his happy goofy attitude. Does he think I've rejected him? And why does he hate me? One minute I like him the next I don't. HELP?!
VictorM's advice:
Of course he doesn't hate you. He's saying that to get your attention, maybe even your sympathy.
When he told you he liked you and you didn't say you liked him back, he took it as rejection. So he's a bit hurt and maybe even embarrassed. So... what you need to do is ignore this incident and just act goofy or silly with him the way you always have. See, the best way to return to the way things were is by acting like the way you did when things were the way they were. If you do that, he'll join you because: 1) he likes your company and wants to keep it, and 2) it'll make him feel normal again.
Pulling back
Submitted on Friday, January 02, 2009
By: Heather
Age: 28
Location: North Carolina
Question:
Dear Victor,
I have been reading your website and you say that if a guy likes you, but he knows you like him, it takes the challenge away. But if that happens, and you pull back and act like you don't like him, will he like you again?
VictorM's advice:
He could. If he still likes you and now starts getting a cold shoulder, or even just less attention, he's bound to be curious. It is, however, possible that he liked you and now has lost interest.
In any case, staying too chummy with him isn't going to help you, so you might as well put some distance between you two to see if that makes him curious. I don't suggest that you be rude to him, just a little distant, less eager, but still friendly.
But keep in mind what the main purpose is: the aloofness from your part is to keep him interested and challenged while he gets to know you better. To know you better, he needs to have contact with you, so you must facilitate access. Just don't seek him out, don't call him first, make him wait for text replies, and no confession of your feelings for him.
By: Heather
Age: 28
Location: North Carolina
Question:
Dear Victor,
I have been reading your website and you say that if a guy likes you, but he knows you like him, it takes the challenge away. But if that happens, and you pull back and act like you don't like him, will he like you again?
VictorM's advice:
He could. If he still likes you and now starts getting a cold shoulder, or even just less attention, he's bound to be curious. It is, however, possible that he liked you and now has lost interest.
In any case, staying too chummy with him isn't going to help you, so you might as well put some distance between you two to see if that makes him curious. I don't suggest that you be rude to him, just a little distant, less eager, but still friendly.
But keep in mind what the main purpose is: the aloofness from your part is to keep him interested and challenged while he gets to know you better. To know you better, he needs to have contact with you, so you must facilitate access. Just don't seek him out, don't call him first, make him wait for text replies, and no confession of your feelings for him.
He knew I wouldn't sleep with him
Submitted on Friday, January 02, 2009
By: chelsea
Age: 20
Question:
First, i just want to say i love this site!
so my question is about this guy i have known for a few months. we went out a few times, and finally i hooked up with him the last time - but no sex. while we were together that night he said he knew I wouldn't sleep with him but that he figured he might as well ask. then he said he knew i wouldn't sleep with him for a long time, maybe months or even a year. do you think he said that because he was hinting he didn't want to wait for me, and just wants sex from me? he texted me a couple of times after that on two separate days and said he would call me once he was free to hang out (he has some family stuff going on right now), but he hasn't called yet. what do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it.
Yeah, he was all about the sex, as evidenced by the "I might as well ask" statement. I think in part he was trying to use cheap reverse psychology, saying the opposite of what he was hoping for, expecting you to prove him wrong.
I think he has found easier prey. Consider yourself lucky that he hasn't called.
By: chelsea
Age: 20
Question:
First, i just want to say i love this site!
so my question is about this guy i have known for a few months. we went out a few times, and finally i hooked up with him the last time - but no sex. while we were together that night he said he knew I wouldn't sleep with him but that he figured he might as well ask. then he said he knew i wouldn't sleep with him for a long time, maybe months or even a year. do you think he said that because he was hinting he didn't want to wait for me, and just wants sex from me? he texted me a couple of times after that on two separate days and said he would call me once he was free to hang out (he has some family stuff going on right now), but he hasn't called yet. what do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it.
Yeah, he was all about the sex, as evidenced by the "I might as well ask" statement. I think in part he was trying to use cheap reverse psychology, saying the opposite of what he was hoping for, expecting you to prove him wrong.
I think he has found easier prey. Consider yourself lucky that he hasn't called.
Friday, January 02, 2009
My ex boyfriend and I had sex the other night
Submitted on Friday, January 02, 2009
By: Gloria
Age: 22
Location: Texas
Question:
My ex boyfriend and I had sex the other night. Prior to that we hadn't talked in almost two months. We got in an argument through texting (mind you) and he blew it out of proportion. He stopped calling texting and didn't respond to me when i'd call or text. I decided to see him and he says that he still cares about me and has feelings for me but he's not ready to commit yet. I have a feeling sleeping with him is not such a good idea... thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
Sleeping with him isn't going to help you reconcile any quicker, if that's what you want.
Also, the word "care" doesn't mean what you think it means. To a guy, that word just means he doesn't hate your guts.
By: Gloria
Age: 22
Location: Texas
Question:
My ex boyfriend and I had sex the other night. Prior to that we hadn't talked in almost two months. We got in an argument through texting (mind you) and he blew it out of proportion. He stopped calling texting and didn't respond to me when i'd call or text. I decided to see him and he says that he still cares about me and has feelings for me but he's not ready to commit yet. I have a feeling sleeping with him is not such a good idea... thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
Sleeping with him isn't going to help you reconcile any quicker, if that's what you want.
Also, the word "care" doesn't mean what you think it means. To a guy, that word just means he doesn't hate your guts.
He also really just loves my body
Submitted on Friday, January 02, 2009
By: Nathalie
Age: 31
Location: New York, NY
Question:
Just checking in with my usual updates. Things are still going very well with the guy generally. I was out of the country for the holidays for about 10 days but we were in touch with msgs every day and talked on the phone every other day. We celebrated New Year's Eve together (dinner and then went to a small party at my friend's place) and then most of New Year's Day too including hanging out with some of his friends.
Sex is still pretty good and he is very good about looking out for my needs there;) He also really just loves my body which is great. One little quirk and I guess it relates to that last post I had where he said he would go home rather than stay over (from a few weeks ago). After New Year's Eve he came over and we traded our xmas gifts. Then we had sex and I guess he had that thought again so he went hom quite late after. But we did then meet for brunch and spent the whole day together through 11pm on New Year's Day. He did bring it up b/c he realizes I might think it is odd. He said he thinks it is better to be slower than faster with the sleepovers. He said it's a matter of habits and he didn't want to start that yet. Otherwise we are going for a long weekend in two weeks and he is very attentive, pays for everything still even if i offer. I'm just curious what you think about that?
VictorM's advice:
Happy New Year, Nathalie. Good to know you didn't abandoned us.
(By the way, this is just a suggestion... you might join the argville forum (Ask ARGers) and start a topic there because I think that format lends itself for a more conversational style discussion, which is what we have going. Anyway, your choice. Here or there, I'm still curious about your adventure).
Slow, slow, slow... just how smart guys like it. This might be a red flag if you had been seeing him for a longer time, but at this stage, and in the absence of other flags, just seems sensible to me.
You have mentioned quite often how he's attracted to your body. That kinda puzzles me why you have said it as often as you have. Is it because you have had self-esteem issues with your appearance before? I ask because it seems to me that while everyone likes to be appreciated for their physical looks, it just sounds to me that it plays a heavier role in your appreciation of him.
By: Nathalie
Age: 31
Location: New York, NY
Question:
Just checking in with my usual updates. Things are still going very well with the guy generally. I was out of the country for the holidays for about 10 days but we were in touch with msgs every day and talked on the phone every other day. We celebrated New Year's Eve together (dinner and then went to a small party at my friend's place) and then most of New Year's Day too including hanging out with some of his friends.
Sex is still pretty good and he is very good about looking out for my needs there;) He also really just loves my body which is great. One little quirk and I guess it relates to that last post I had where he said he would go home rather than stay over (from a few weeks ago). After New Year's Eve he came over and we traded our xmas gifts. Then we had sex and I guess he had that thought again so he went hom quite late after. But we did then meet for brunch and spent the whole day together through 11pm on New Year's Day. He did bring it up b/c he realizes I might think it is odd. He said he thinks it is better to be slower than faster with the sleepovers. He said it's a matter of habits and he didn't want to start that yet. Otherwise we are going for a long weekend in two weeks and he is very attentive, pays for everything still even if i offer. I'm just curious what you think about that?
VictorM's advice:
Happy New Year, Nathalie. Good to know you didn't abandoned us.
(By the way, this is just a suggestion... you might join the argville forum (Ask ARGers) and start a topic there because I think that format lends itself for a more conversational style discussion, which is what we have going. Anyway, your choice. Here or there, I'm still curious about your adventure).
Slow, slow, slow... just how smart guys like it. This might be a red flag if you had been seeing him for a longer time, but at this stage, and in the absence of other flags, just seems sensible to me.
You have mentioned quite often how he's attracted to your body. That kinda puzzles me why you have said it as often as you have. Is it because you have had self-esteem issues with your appearance before? I ask because it seems to me that while everyone likes to be appreciated for their physical looks, it just sounds to me that it plays a heavier role in your appreciation of him.
People tell me I can have any guy
Submitted on Friday, January 02, 2009
By: K
Age: 39
Location: Va
Question:
I am embarrassed to come forward with this, but will anyway...I am attractive, look younger than my age, secure with myself, and very social. People tell me I can have any guy. Well...I have a lot of guy friends, but no one asks me out. Are they too intimidated? If so, how can a I score a date without having to ask THEM out?
VictorM's advice:
Hi K. That's a very common theme around here. Take a look at this question+answer. If you still have questions, please come back.
By: K
Age: 39
Location: Va
Question:
I am embarrassed to come forward with this, but will anyway...I am attractive, look younger than my age, secure with myself, and very social. People tell me I can have any guy. Well...I have a lot of guy friends, but no one asks me out. Are they too intimidated? If so, how can a I score a date without having to ask THEM out?
VictorM's advice:
Hi K. That's a very common theme around here. Take a look at this question+answer. If you still have questions, please come back.
I have been told I am a great kisser
Submitted on Thursday, January 01, 2009
By: Trixie
Age: 21
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Question:
I casually date a lot, but haven't been serious with many guys. I have a boyfriend now...we've been together about a month. But because I am conservative mixed with the fact that I am only comfortable being physical with a guy that I am seriously involved with (for me that's 1 guy before my current boyfriend), I have limited experience in some of the physical stuff. I am also really shy and easily embarrassed, and extraordinarily self conscious..I HATE BEING THE INITIATOR OF PHYSICAL STUFF...I even am shy to lean in and give my boyfriend a passionate kiss... (A peck is no problem). I can kiss...have been told I am a great kisser more than once...but I hate being the one to lean in first, and I don't know why! When I do, I always kind of run my fingers over my guy's eyes, to make him close them...I don't like the idea of him watching me while we kiss...Anyways...he commented the other day, that he would like it if I were more forward and aggressive. Any advice? I just don't want to feel stupid. I think part of the problem is that I don't really consider myself sexy and so I have difficulties acting sexy without laughing or doing it in a joking way. I DO think I am very attractive and a great catch...but I don't feel sexy per se. Someone suggested I splurge at Victoria's Secret and practice strutting around in front of the mirror to build my confidence...any similar types of suggestions on how to feel sexier? And more confidant when being intimate without feeling stupid and like I'm trying too hard? Thanks! I look forward to your response! (and what your readers have to say as well!)
VictorM's advice:
Don't spend your money on Victoria Secrets, yet.
You think you're attractive and a good catch, so you certainly have confidence. Shyness isn't about lack of confidence, it's about lack of trust. Basically, you don't trust how other people will react to you being sexy, or corny, or funny... and so, while the thoughts to do those things enter your mind, you don't do them.
My advice to shy people is to take baby steps. Start very small and build your level of trust slowly. For example, if you wear a blouse and you only leave the top button loose, I suggest you unbutton the next button. Just one little button. See what happens. You'll realize that people won't laugh at you and won't put you down. Or, if you wear a particular skirt one inch above the knee, go to 2 inches. Just one extra little inch. If you don't wear a particular top because it's too tight, well, on a day you feel thinner, go for it. Think of other little ways, some of which other people may not even notice, but where the idea of sexy comes to your mind, then do it.
Your current boyfriend can help you in one important way: to let you go at your pace! No pressure, no demands, and lots of patience.
With people like you, quite often after a few such small victories, you'll be amazed how you could break through your barriers quite dramatically. You may even get the Girls Gone Wild guys on your speed dial after that. :) But seriously, it takes small little wins to get you past your inhibitions. Baby step... do it! :)
By: Trixie
Age: 21
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Question:
I casually date a lot, but haven't been serious with many guys. I have a boyfriend now...we've been together about a month. But because I am conservative mixed with the fact that I am only comfortable being physical with a guy that I am seriously involved with (for me that's 1 guy before my current boyfriend), I have limited experience in some of the physical stuff. I am also really shy and easily embarrassed, and extraordinarily self conscious..I HATE BEING THE INITIATOR OF PHYSICAL STUFF...I even am shy to lean in and give my boyfriend a passionate kiss... (A peck is no problem). I can kiss...have been told I am a great kisser more than once...but I hate being the one to lean in first, and I don't know why! When I do, I always kind of run my fingers over my guy's eyes, to make him close them...I don't like the idea of him watching me while we kiss...Anyways...he commented the other day, that he would like it if I were more forward and aggressive. Any advice? I just don't want to feel stupid. I think part of the problem is that I don't really consider myself sexy and so I have difficulties acting sexy without laughing or doing it in a joking way. I DO think I am very attractive and a great catch...but I don't feel sexy per se. Someone suggested I splurge at Victoria's Secret and practice strutting around in front of the mirror to build my confidence...any similar types of suggestions on how to feel sexier? And more confidant when being intimate without feeling stupid and like I'm trying too hard? Thanks! I look forward to your response! (and what your readers have to say as well!)
VictorM's advice:
Don't spend your money on Victoria Secrets, yet.
You think you're attractive and a good catch, so you certainly have confidence. Shyness isn't about lack of confidence, it's about lack of trust. Basically, you don't trust how other people will react to you being sexy, or corny, or funny... and so, while the thoughts to do those things enter your mind, you don't do them.
My advice to shy people is to take baby steps. Start very small and build your level of trust slowly. For example, if you wear a blouse and you only leave the top button loose, I suggest you unbutton the next button. Just one little button. See what happens. You'll realize that people won't laugh at you and won't put you down. Or, if you wear a particular skirt one inch above the knee, go to 2 inches. Just one extra little inch. If you don't wear a particular top because it's too tight, well, on a day you feel thinner, go for it. Think of other little ways, some of which other people may not even notice, but where the idea of sexy comes to your mind, then do it.
Your current boyfriend can help you in one important way: to let you go at your pace! No pressure, no demands, and lots of patience.
With people like you, quite often after a few such small victories, you'll be amazed how you could break through your barriers quite dramatically. You may even get the Girls Gone Wild guys on your speed dial after that. :) But seriously, it takes small little wins to get you past your inhibitions. Baby step... do it! :)
I've never hinted at doing anything outside of school
Submitted on Thursday, January 01, 2009
By: Jen
Age: 20
Location: NYU
Question:
So there is this guy i have liked for a while, but have only been friendly to...because i never thought i had a chance with him/he liked me...my guy friends tell me i need to be more obvious. well HE without hints recently mentioned wanting to hang out with me before we start the new semester. i told him i was busy schedule-wise but would like to! He said to give him a call when i get back to NYC...????? What does this mean??
My question is, we see each other in class. We are in college...He doesn't have to ask me to spend time outside of class. Could he like me? or is he just being a friend? I've never hinted at doing anything outside of school. i actually gave up on him being interested in me. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
He could be asking for a lot of reasons, so you shouldn't jump to conclusions. But let's face it, chances are that it's a good sign. The more time you spend with him, your chances improve.
You don't want to be too obvious, but you should make an effort to hang out with him as more than just friends. That means, dress the way you would if you were going out on a date, wear perfume and makeup if that's your thing, stand a little closer to him, try to be more touchy... basically do what it takes to get it into his mind that you're more than a fellow student and a friend.
By: Jen
Age: 20
Location: NYU
Question:
So there is this guy i have liked for a while, but have only been friendly to...because i never thought i had a chance with him/he liked me...my guy friends tell me i need to be more obvious. well HE without hints recently mentioned wanting to hang out with me before we start the new semester. i told him i was busy schedule-wise but would like to! He said to give him a call when i get back to NYC...????? What does this mean??
My question is, we see each other in class. We are in college...He doesn't have to ask me to spend time outside of class. Could he like me? or is he just being a friend? I've never hinted at doing anything outside of school. i actually gave up on him being interested in me. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
He could be asking for a lot of reasons, so you shouldn't jump to conclusions. But let's face it, chances are that it's a good sign. The more time you spend with him, your chances improve.
You don't want to be too obvious, but you should make an effort to hang out with him as more than just friends. That means, dress the way you would if you were going out on a date, wear perfume and makeup if that's your thing, stand a little closer to him, try to be more touchy... basically do what it takes to get it into his mind that you're more than a fellow student and a friend.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Will he start to love me?
Submitted on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
By: Sarah
Age: 46
Location: North Carolina
Question: A guy that I have been mainly friends with for close to a year (mainly cause that is all the circumstances would permit at the time). Now I told him I have real feelings for him and wanted to know if he does for me. I told him if he doesn't to tell me and he won't hear from me anymore, that I would go away. He wrote back this:
VictorM's advice:
His stance has nothing to do with having been hurt or not; it's really just a very common attitude by guys. We like to get to know a girl, learn about her, and see if she's a good fit over a period of time -- quite often over several months -- before we consider the "relationship" label. The notion of jumping into a commitment quickly is mostly a female thing.
By: Sarah
Age: 46
Location: North Carolina
Question: A guy that I have been mainly friends with for close to a year (mainly cause that is all the circumstances would permit at the time). Now I told him I have real feelings for him and wanted to know if he does for me. I told him if he doesn't to tell me and he won't hear from me anymore, that I would go away. He wrote back this:
i do have feelings for you i don`t think they are as strong as you have, i do not want you to go away but if you feel you should i understand BIG HUG!!Is this real caring? Will he start to love me? He has told me he is slow (in the past) and once told me he was scared, also told me that he has not ever expressed his feelings much. We talk quite a bit and see each other some. I wonder if he has been hurt really bad before. I am confused. I am 46 female and he is 48. Please help, sincerely?
VictorM's advice:
His stance has nothing to do with having been hurt or not; it's really just a very common attitude by guys. We like to get to know a girl, learn about her, and see if she's a good fit over a period of time -- quite often over several months -- before we consider the "relationship" label. The notion of jumping into a commitment quickly is mostly a female thing.
Should I leave him be?
Submitted on Wednesday, December 31, 2008
By: Sarah
Age: 18
Location: Canada
Question: Hi,
I just need a bit of advice, obviously. A guy I once knew and went out with went to study very far away -across an ocean- and now he's coming back. So two years ago, he liked me and I liked him etc. but I sort of said no to being his girlfriend (I'm not sure why?) and then we just stopped being in contact. A year after, I wrote to him and we started writing a bit, but he was far far away and probably super over me. But I had really grown attached to him. We wrote a bit, but not much; long messages but only about once a month. Now he's coming back, I want to see him, but does he want to see me? I believe so, but I'm so afraid of how it would be. Both of us changed, but I feel we still "match". And seeing each other in person after all that time (two years)! Ouf! We were never very romantically involved, our relation only stayed in the beginning phases. Should I leave him be? Or should I ask if he wants to come see me (obviously as friends). Tell me what you think would happen? And I'm not expecting it to be too rosy.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what he's thinking, but after the history between you two, it seems quite appropriate for you to say you'd like to see him. And since you turned him down before he left, it's really your move to make now.
When you sit face-to-face, who knows what will happen, but nothing can be as bad as you going through life wondering what if. So, no, you should not leave him be. You should make an effort to see him.
By: Sarah
Age: 18
Location: Canada
Question: Hi,
I just need a bit of advice, obviously. A guy I once knew and went out with went to study very far away -across an ocean- and now he's coming back. So two years ago, he liked me and I liked him etc. but I sort of said no to being his girlfriend (I'm not sure why?) and then we just stopped being in contact. A year after, I wrote to him and we started writing a bit, but he was far far away and probably super over me. But I had really grown attached to him. We wrote a bit, but not much; long messages but only about once a month. Now he's coming back, I want to see him, but does he want to see me? I believe so, but I'm so afraid of how it would be. Both of us changed, but I feel we still "match". And seeing each other in person after all that time (two years)! Ouf! We were never very romantically involved, our relation only stayed in the beginning phases. Should I leave him be? Or should I ask if he wants to come see me (obviously as friends). Tell me what you think would happen? And I'm not expecting it to be too rosy.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what he's thinking, but after the history between you two, it seems quite appropriate for you to say you'd like to see him. And since you turned him down before he left, it's really your move to make now.
When you sit face-to-face, who knows what will happen, but nothing can be as bad as you going through life wondering what if. So, no, you should not leave him be. You should make an effort to see him.
Is there a way I could make him want what I want?
Submitted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008
By: Randi
Age: 35
Location: Bel Air
Question: He is 16 years my senior and never married. We dated once a week and talked twice a week for almost a year. I stopped seeing him as he didn't want a relationship when I asked him. But he would still call or email me once a month and on special occasions. Why is he doing this? At first I thought he changed his mind and wants to pursue a relationship with me. Is there a way I could make him want what I want?
VictorM's advice:
As the saying goes: "You can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink it." In your case, you can be clear about what you want, but you can't make him want the same thing. And he clearly has chosen that he doesn't want the same thing.
Why the contact from him still? Well, you aren't enemies, he probably still thinks highly of you, and he's exhibiting social manners by saying hello from time to time, which is normal for friends to do to each other.
There is yet another possibility: maybe he's hoping that someday you'll want what he wants.
By: Randi
Age: 35
Location: Bel Air
Question: He is 16 years my senior and never married. We dated once a week and talked twice a week for almost a year. I stopped seeing him as he didn't want a relationship when I asked him. But he would still call or email me once a month and on special occasions. Why is he doing this? At first I thought he changed his mind and wants to pursue a relationship with me. Is there a way I could make him want what I want?
VictorM's advice:
As the saying goes: "You can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink it." In your case, you can be clear about what you want, but you can't make him want the same thing. And he clearly has chosen that he doesn't want the same thing.
Why the contact from him still? Well, you aren't enemies, he probably still thinks highly of you, and he's exhibiting social manners by saying hello from time to time, which is normal for friends to do to each other.
There is yet another possibility: maybe he's hoping that someday you'll want what he wants.
Will a guy stay with you just to stay with you?
Submitted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008
By: lizzy
Age: 23
Location: New Jersey
Question: Will a guy stay with you just to stay with you?
My current boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. I live 1/2 hour away from him and can not drive to see him due to my parents not liking him and me not having my own car..He is not allowed at my house besides to pick me up.
He is always complaining about the drive and even threatened to stop doing it till I can get my own way down there. Yet, then he continues to do it.
I tell him if he is that unhappy with me, cuz of other issues and this, then to just walk away...I told him as much as it would hurt me it would hurt me more to be in something that is not real.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, a guy would stay with a girl for a variety of reasons other than love, such as guilt, loyalty, pity, or simply lacking the nerve to walk away. It's possible that the knowledge that you'll be hurt keeps him coming back.
It's also very possible that he really loves you but is frustrated with the arrangements and with your parent's attitude. It's understandable if once in a while that frustration takes over and he shows it. Maybe you even make it sound like it's his obligation to see you and don't appreciate his effort enough. Traveling 1/2 to see you, means taking you back, so he's traveling 0ne hour. After a while, that can be quite a burden. You shouldn't take it for granted.
By: lizzy
Age: 23
Location: New Jersey
Question: Will a guy stay with you just to stay with you?
My current boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. I live 1/2 hour away from him and can not drive to see him due to my parents not liking him and me not having my own car..He is not allowed at my house besides to pick me up.
He is always complaining about the drive and even threatened to stop doing it till I can get my own way down there. Yet, then he continues to do it.
I tell him if he is that unhappy with me, cuz of other issues and this, then to just walk away...I told him as much as it would hurt me it would hurt me more to be in something that is not real.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, a guy would stay with a girl for a variety of reasons other than love, such as guilt, loyalty, pity, or simply lacking the nerve to walk away. It's possible that the knowledge that you'll be hurt keeps him coming back.
It's also very possible that he really loves you but is frustrated with the arrangements and with your parent's attitude. It's understandable if once in a while that frustration takes over and he shows it. Maybe you even make it sound like it's his obligation to see you and don't appreciate his effort enough. Traveling 1/2 to see you, means taking you back, so he's traveling 0ne hour. After a while, that can be quite a burden. You shouldn't take it for granted.
