Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I’ve only been out with one guy
Submitted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008
By: Anna
Age: 24
Location: Chicago
Question: Victor, I am at such a loss. I’m 24 and I’ve only been out with one guy. That lasted for a month and he left me for his ex. I know he was a loser but it hurt. So my question is what could possibly be wrong with me that I never get approached or asked out. I’m 5’4, 120lb, I’m a lawyer, I play sports and love music and I’m fairly outgoing (not the crazy getting drunk type but I have manners and know how to hold an intelligent conversation).
What bugs me the most is that men check me out and look at me all the time (some very obviously I might add, especially the ones in their 30s for some reason) but not one seems to have the balls to come up and talk to me. Friends don't believe me when I tell them I never get approached. When I have tried to make it work with a few guys I have always been rejected because they weren’t interested. I have made a decision never to approach a guy myself anymore because it just leads to too much confusion, frustration and hurt but if I don’t try the guys won’t either. So what am I doing wrong and what else can I do?
VictorM's advice:
We have discussed this situation on this site quite a bit. The following is a copy/pasting from a forum discussion we had recently as to why guys stay away from girls like you:
Many guys are intimidated by someone so accomplished and so financial better off than them. Most guys in your age range are still struggling to establish themselves. This not only explains why you get less attention from guys in their twenties, it also explains why you get the attention of guys over 30; they are more established professionally and financially, and as a result, their level of confidence is a few notches higher. But even with them that seems to be a problem.
So what are you doing wrong? There doesn't have to be anything wrong with you. In your case, quite the opposite may very well be true -- too much is right with you. You're too together, too cool, too smart, too attractive, too outgoing, too in shape, too [fill in the blank]. The type of guys confident enough to approach you are too few.
I really don't suggest you change all of that, but I do suggest that you do what a lot of guys do. See, guys have no problem dating girls that they know aren't mother of their children material. They date for company, for fun, and in some cases, yes, for sex.
Maybe you should think about dating some guys just for fun. Ask them out if they don't ask you. Date the one guy who has excellent taste in music, or the one who enjoys sports like you do, even if they come up short in other areas. This spreads the word that you're not attached and that a guy doesn't have to be a genius or rich to date you. And often times, it's just a matter of beginnings. You push things along and you never know who's going to notice.
By: Anna
Age: 24
Location: Chicago
Question: Victor, I am at such a loss. I’m 24 and I’ve only been out with one guy. That lasted for a month and he left me for his ex. I know he was a loser but it hurt. So my question is what could possibly be wrong with me that I never get approached or asked out. I’m 5’4, 120lb, I’m a lawyer, I play sports and love music and I’m fairly outgoing (not the crazy getting drunk type but I have manners and know how to hold an intelligent conversation).
What bugs me the most is that men check me out and look at me all the time (some very obviously I might add, especially the ones in their 30s for some reason) but not one seems to have the balls to come up and talk to me. Friends don't believe me when I tell them I never get approached. When I have tried to make it work with a few guys I have always been rejected because they weren’t interested. I have made a decision never to approach a guy myself anymore because it just leads to too much confusion, frustration and hurt but if I don’t try the guys won’t either. So what am I doing wrong and what else can I do?
VictorM's advice:
We have discussed this situation on this site quite a bit. The following is a copy/pasting from a forum discussion we had recently as to why guys stay away from girls like you:
On one hand guys dream of dating girls who look like you, but on the other hand, many girls like you don't have boyfriends. Here's some reasons I think that is:Now, in your case, there is something else that plays a factor and intimidates most guys, particularly guys around your age -- you're lawyer. Not only does that signify above average intelligence, it also means significantly higher income. Never mind that none of it may be true, it is the perception and that's what counts.
1. Guys automatically assume that someone as attractive as you can't possibly be single. So they don't even try.
2. Guys feel that a girl who looks like you would never give them the time of day. So they don't even try.
3. While guys fantasize of a girlfriend as attractive as you, in reality, they fear that you attract too much attention from other guys. It's not so much that you'd cheat; it's more that guys would be all over you and you'd have your pick of the litter and that you could dump them at any time.
Many guys are intimidated by someone so accomplished and so financial better off than them. Most guys in your age range are still struggling to establish themselves. This not only explains why you get less attention from guys in their twenties, it also explains why you get the attention of guys over 30; they are more established professionally and financially, and as a result, their level of confidence is a few notches higher. But even with them that seems to be a problem.
So what are you doing wrong? There doesn't have to be anything wrong with you. In your case, quite the opposite may very well be true -- too much is right with you. You're too together, too cool, too smart, too attractive, too outgoing, too in shape, too [fill in the blank]. The type of guys confident enough to approach you are too few.
I really don't suggest you change all of that, but I do suggest that you do what a lot of guys do. See, guys have no problem dating girls that they know aren't mother of their children material. They date for company, for fun, and in some cases, yes, for sex.
Maybe you should think about dating some guys just for fun. Ask them out if they don't ask you. Date the one guy who has excellent taste in music, or the one who enjoys sports like you do, even if they come up short in other areas. This spreads the word that you're not attached and that a guy doesn't have to be a genius or rich to date you. And often times, it's just a matter of beginnings. You push things along and you never know who's going to notice.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Message for Amy, from California
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
I ask too many questions
Submitted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008By: Paris
Age: 21
Location: USA
Question: My boyfriend says that I ask too many questions, but he never answers any of them so I'm always left out feeling in the dark most of the time. I try to talk to him but very quickly the conversation turns into me asking him more questions. How can I avoid asking him too many questions and still have a decent conversation with him?
VictorM's advice:
You only asked me one question. What amazing self-control you have. :)
Well... silence is golden. Have you ever heard that? Sometimes it's nice to just be... holding hands, looking at a sunset, staring at the sky, just... being. Try that sometimes.
You can help by asking questions about things he knows a lot, or is very passionate, about. If you ask personal stuff or questions dealing with feelings and emotions, yeah, you're asking too many questions; guys don't fancy those questions that much.
Age: 21
Location: USA
Question: My boyfriend says that I ask too many questions, but he never answers any of them so I'm always left out feeling in the dark most of the time. I try to talk to him but very quickly the conversation turns into me asking him more questions. How can I avoid asking him too many questions and still have a decent conversation with him?
VictorM's advice:
You only asked me one question. What amazing self-control you have. :)
Well... silence is golden. Have you ever heard that? Sometimes it's nice to just be... holding hands, looking at a sunset, staring at the sky, just... being. Try that sometimes.
You can help by asking questions about things he knows a lot, or is very passionate, about. If you ask personal stuff or questions dealing with feelings and emotions, yeah, you're asking too many questions; guys don't fancy those questions that much.
He loves to message other girls online
Submitted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008
By: Stacy
Age: 22
Location: Texas
Question: Hi. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years. However throughout the relationship we've had several little fights about the same thing: he loves to message other girls online. These are not his female friends these are girls he sees around our school campus or that are in some of his classes and he messages them to make some conversation.
I find it odd how he always seems to be so interested in messaging them, I've read some of the messages and for the most part they are innocent but still I get really jealous and I can never understand why he feels the need to talk to girls he doesn't know just because he finds them attractive. Do most guys do this? do you think I'm over reacting about the whole situation? We were once very close to breaking up because he says I don't trust him but I do get jealous because he never mentions me to them as to make it clear that he has a girlfriend. From a guys point of view, is it normal wanting to message other ¨hot¨girls, is it innocent or do you think most guys are looking for something else on the side?
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Positively, absolutely, totally, all guys do that. I'm not saying that all message other girls, but virtually every guy as the need to get the attention, however briefly, from other women, particularly if he finds them attractive. It's in our genes (some here will say it's upbringing, not biology) but men have an amazing need to get their self-worth validated by that kind of attention. They could have the most gorgeous girlfriend on the planet and be madly in love with her, it doesn't matter, they constantly need that kind of attention. Of course, some men need it more than others, but to different degrees, we all need it.
Why do you think the stereotypical construction worker will make comments and catcalls to girls passing by? Do you think they expect to have sex with them? No. They just want their attention, even if just for a second. If the girl turns around, presto! huge ego boost. (So, next time you get a catcall, just turn around and smile -- you'll make the guy's day!)
Let it go. Let him have his fun. You actually benefit by having a guy who feels better about himself because of it.
Your question might be, how do you know if it will lead to anything else? Well, if your boyfriend is the cheating type, I'm sure he will have many other options besides text messages.
By: Stacy
Age: 22
Location: Texas
Question: Hi. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years. However throughout the relationship we've had several little fights about the same thing: he loves to message other girls online. These are not his female friends these are girls he sees around our school campus or that are in some of his classes and he messages them to make some conversation.
I find it odd how he always seems to be so interested in messaging them, I've read some of the messages and for the most part they are innocent but still I get really jealous and I can never understand why he feels the need to talk to girls he doesn't know just because he finds them attractive. Do most guys do this? do you think I'm over reacting about the whole situation? We were once very close to breaking up because he says I don't trust him but I do get jealous because he never mentions me to them as to make it clear that he has a girlfriend. From a guys point of view, is it normal wanting to message other ¨hot¨girls, is it innocent or do you think most guys are looking for something else on the side?
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Positively, absolutely, totally, all guys do that. I'm not saying that all message other girls, but virtually every guy as the need to get the attention, however briefly, from other women, particularly if he finds them attractive. It's in our genes (some here will say it's upbringing, not biology) but men have an amazing need to get their self-worth validated by that kind of attention. They could have the most gorgeous girlfriend on the planet and be madly in love with her, it doesn't matter, they constantly need that kind of attention. Of course, some men need it more than others, but to different degrees, we all need it.
Why do you think the stereotypical construction worker will make comments and catcalls to girls passing by? Do you think they expect to have sex with them? No. They just want their attention, even if just for a second. If the girl turns around, presto! huge ego boost. (So, next time you get a catcall, just turn around and smile -- you'll make the guy's day!)
Let it go. Let him have his fun. You actually benefit by having a guy who feels better about himself because of it.
Your question might be, how do you know if it will lead to anything else? Well, if your boyfriend is the cheating type, I'm sure he will have many other options besides text messages.
He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend
Submitted on Monday, December 29, 2008
By: Samantha
Age: 25
Location: Canada
Question: I have been with my guy for almost 3 years now. We met online in Dec. 05 and started officially going out in Jan. 06...around Feb. 06 he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend- they were out and one thing just lead to another is all i have gotten from the situation. (He did come to me 3 days after it happened and told me). Anyways, to keep this as short as 3 years can be...
it's now almost 3 years that we are together, and a lot has happened in between, like him still hanging out with her here and there for awhile that only made the trust issues worse...
it's been several months now that they have finally cut all communication ties maybe even a year....
recently he has started going out a lot, and I am finding it hard - every time he calls and says he is going out i get that small feeling of what if...and I don't want to feel it...
I've tried talking with him about it, but that's hard to because its like 3 years later and he is still dealing with a mistake he made...I understand his frustrations with not being trusted...but i think he believes i should be over this by now...
we both love each other soo much, and we have almost broken up several times but just cant seem to let each other go...we want this to work...but obviously the trust is a problem...
was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I can trust him more, or how he is really feeling...and how i can be okay with him going out...or how i can ask him in a way that he would understand to help me out a little more in trusting him when he is out..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like there are three major reasons why this is still a problem: one, doesn't sound like you have dealt with this in a way that satisfied you (more on this below); two, he really doesn't seem to have made an adequate effort to make up for his mistakes; and three, broken trust is virtually impossible to mend fully anyway.
Problem one: your language indicates that you have been very passive, maybe even afraid to fully discuss this incident with him and get angry as you would have the right to be. You say things like "all i have gotten from the situation" and "I've tried talking with him about it," language that suggests you never got your day in court, so to speak. You really have a right, and he has a duty, to address every one of your questions, and you have a right, and owe it to yourself, to get as furious about it as you really feel, and let him know it. None of that appears to have happened. You've mainly bottled it inside and anytime you come even close to acting on it, you almost breakup, which suggests to me that he uses his own mistake against you. As long as this continues, you will never solve this problem.
Problem two: You have it very wrong that he's paying for a mistake he made three years ago. That just is not so. After the cheating incident he continued seeing that girl for another two years or so. Every time he saw her was a slap on your face. And I also suspect, as I mentioned before, that he's using the threat of a breakup as a way to keep you quiet about it. That is manipulation, pure and simple.
Problem three: broken trust is like toothpaste; once out you can't put it back in. You can try to work on it, and others can offer suggestions, but frankly, you're barking up the wrong tree because you aren't looking at the source of the problem and the only one that can do something about it -- him!
As long as you continue to be timid about your anger, hide your disappointment, and walk around him on this issue like you're the one doing something wrong, you can't take many steps forward.
I don't buy this "we love each other so much" stuff as the reason you don't breakup. Despite this impression of love, I am willing to bet that if you had been the one who cheated, you would not be a couple today. So no, it's not love that's keeping you together; your fears are. Your fear of getting at the bottom of the issue, your fear of telling him exactly what a creep he was that he cheated AND continued to see her even after he knew what it was doing to you AND continues to go out knowing how you feel, and your fear that he will breakup with you.
Before you can address your issues with trust you need to address your fears. Because if you're not willing to lose him to regain your self-respect -- believe me, that's what most of of what he did translates to, -- this lack of trust will haunt you forever.
By: Samantha
Age: 25
Location: Canada
Question: I have been with my guy for almost 3 years now. We met online in Dec. 05 and started officially going out in Jan. 06...around Feb. 06 he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend- they were out and one thing just lead to another is all i have gotten from the situation. (He did come to me 3 days after it happened and told me). Anyways, to keep this as short as 3 years can be...
it's now almost 3 years that we are together, and a lot has happened in between, like him still hanging out with her here and there for awhile that only made the trust issues worse...
it's been several months now that they have finally cut all communication ties maybe even a year....
recently he has started going out a lot, and I am finding it hard - every time he calls and says he is going out i get that small feeling of what if...and I don't want to feel it...
I've tried talking with him about it, but that's hard to because its like 3 years later and he is still dealing with a mistake he made...I understand his frustrations with not being trusted...but i think he believes i should be over this by now...
we both love each other soo much, and we have almost broken up several times but just cant seem to let each other go...we want this to work...but obviously the trust is a problem...
was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I can trust him more, or how he is really feeling...and how i can be okay with him going out...or how i can ask him in a way that he would understand to help me out a little more in trusting him when he is out..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like there are three major reasons why this is still a problem: one, doesn't sound like you have dealt with this in a way that satisfied you (more on this below); two, he really doesn't seem to have made an adequate effort to make up for his mistakes; and three, broken trust is virtually impossible to mend fully anyway.
Problem one: your language indicates that you have been very passive, maybe even afraid to fully discuss this incident with him and get angry as you would have the right to be. You say things like "all i have gotten from the situation" and "I've tried talking with him about it," language that suggests you never got your day in court, so to speak. You really have a right, and he has a duty, to address every one of your questions, and you have a right, and owe it to yourself, to get as furious about it as you really feel, and let him know it. None of that appears to have happened. You've mainly bottled it inside and anytime you come even close to acting on it, you almost breakup, which suggests to me that he uses his own mistake against you. As long as this continues, you will never solve this problem.
Problem two: You have it very wrong that he's paying for a mistake he made three years ago. That just is not so. After the cheating incident he continued seeing that girl for another two years or so. Every time he saw her was a slap on your face. And I also suspect, as I mentioned before, that he's using the threat of a breakup as a way to keep you quiet about it. That is manipulation, pure and simple.
Problem three: broken trust is like toothpaste; once out you can't put it back in. You can try to work on it, and others can offer suggestions, but frankly, you're barking up the wrong tree because you aren't looking at the source of the problem and the only one that can do something about it -- him!
As long as you continue to be timid about your anger, hide your disappointment, and walk around him on this issue like you're the one doing something wrong, you can't take many steps forward.
I don't buy this "we love each other so much" stuff as the reason you don't breakup. Despite this impression of love, I am willing to bet that if you had been the one who cheated, you would not be a couple today. So no, it's not love that's keeping you together; your fears are. Your fear of getting at the bottom of the issue, your fear of telling him exactly what a creep he was that he cheated AND continued to see her even after he knew what it was doing to you AND continues to go out knowing how you feel, and your fear that he will breakup with you.
Before you can address your issues with trust you need to address your fears. Because if you're not willing to lose him to regain your self-respect -- believe me, that's what most of of what he did translates to, -- this lack of trust will haunt you forever.
We became super close friends
Submitted on Monday, December 29, 2008
By: Cinderella
Age: 22
Location: Florida
Question: Hello. Well i want to know if this guy that i have liked for 2 years likes me too as a potential girlfriend. We have everything in common and good chemistry.
I met him in college and we became super close friends. We would hang out always, and he flirts and calls me names, teases me a lot. He even says i'm her favorite friend. I have met his mom (whole family). His mom has told me that he always talks about me (when he comes down from upstate).. he always sees me first and is super nice with me, he has asked my mom age me getting married..=s. Finds any situation to touch my hands and hug me after i get mad and i get him the "eye look". Oh his lips part away when i talk to him, and touches his chin. For xmas he got a present )Huge) and i gave him a perfume and a little letter.
But he has never said anything to me only oh you look nice, but nothing else not even hold my hands or kiss me, we have been in good situation close to each other inches apart and he looks at me but never did it. Is he shy? i don't know what to do. i was raised with a mentality that girl has to wait til he says something. Should I say something? I adore him. He's the world to me.
VictorM's advice:
You should say something, but be prepared for possible disappointment. Because while he obviously likes you a lot, there are no signs that he likes you in a romantic way.
The flirting and touching are signs that he likes your attention. Guys flirt and touch girls without having the slightest feelings for them. Often, it is easier to flirt with a girl we know likes us more than we like her. That's because we know we can and we won't get rejected.
Having a lot of things in common is by no means a measure of romantic possibilities. In fact, romance often involves friction and passion, which are more natural in two people with varying interests and different personalities.
Shyness could be a deterrent, which is why I suggested that you bring it up, but if you have known him and have been close for a while, I'm not so sure that's the answer.
In any case, it does you no good to keep going through life wondering. If he does like you and shyness was the obstacle, you'll help get over it by bringing it up. If it turns out he likes you purely as a friend, I'm sure it'll hurt, but you're better off knowing because sooner or later, he will find a girlfriend and that would hurt even more.
By: Cinderella
Age: 22
Location: Florida
Question: Hello. Well i want to know if this guy that i have liked for 2 years likes me too as a potential girlfriend. We have everything in common and good chemistry.
I met him in college and we became super close friends. We would hang out always, and he flirts and calls me names, teases me a lot. He even says i'm her favorite friend. I have met his mom (whole family). His mom has told me that he always talks about me (when he comes down from upstate).. he always sees me first and is super nice with me, he has asked my mom age me getting married..=s. Finds any situation to touch my hands and hug me after i get mad and i get him the "eye look". Oh his lips part away when i talk to him, and touches his chin. For xmas he got a present )Huge) and i gave him a perfume and a little letter.
But he has never said anything to me only oh you look nice, but nothing else not even hold my hands or kiss me, we have been in good situation close to each other inches apart and he looks at me but never did it. Is he shy? i don't know what to do. i was raised with a mentality that girl has to wait til he says something. Should I say something? I adore him. He's the world to me.
VictorM's advice:
You should say something, but be prepared for possible disappointment. Because while he obviously likes you a lot, there are no signs that he likes you in a romantic way.
The flirting and touching are signs that he likes your attention. Guys flirt and touch girls without having the slightest feelings for them. Often, it is easier to flirt with a girl we know likes us more than we like her. That's because we know we can and we won't get rejected.
Having a lot of things in common is by no means a measure of romantic possibilities. In fact, romance often involves friction and passion, which are more natural in two people with varying interests and different personalities.
Shyness could be a deterrent, which is why I suggested that you bring it up, but if you have known him and have been close for a while, I'm not so sure that's the answer.
In any case, it does you no good to keep going through life wondering. If he does like you and shyness was the obstacle, you'll help get over it by bringing it up. If it turns out he likes you purely as a friend, I'm sure it'll hurt, but you're better off knowing because sooner or later, he will find a girlfriend and that would hurt even more.
How do you ask a guy where you stand
Submitted on Monday, December 29, 2008
By: jess
Age: 15
Location: honiton
Question: How do you ask a guy where you stand with him without making him feel uncomfortable, or how do you know whether they just want you for sex ?
VictorM's advice:
The best approach is to have no sex until you know where you stand with him.
How you know where you stand should not depend on a question and his answer to that question. Lying is far too easy for those who know how to do it or have good motivation to do it.
What I'm saying is don't trust his words; trust his actions and trust your instincts.
By: jess
Age: 15
Location: honiton
Question: How do you ask a guy where you stand with him without making him feel uncomfortable, or how do you know whether they just want you for sex ?
VictorM's advice:
The best approach is to have no sex until you know where you stand with him.
How you know where you stand should not depend on a question and his answer to that question. Lying is far too easy for those who know how to do it or have good motivation to do it.
What I'm saying is don't trust his words; trust his actions and trust your instincts.
Are you naked?
Submitted on Monday, December 29, 2008
By: unsure
Age: 36
Location: canada
Question: My significant other is texting and emailing a female friend (his, not ours) things like "are you naked, please say no because I couldn't handle that right now." He says it was a joke and promised to stop because it makes me uncomfortable but did it again.
VictorM's advice:
Forgetful fella, isn't he?
I can't blame you for being upset. The tone of their "joking" seems to have gone too far while at the same time being disrespectful to you. But sometimes guys just can't comprehend why certain things are a big deal with women.
Guys are like puppies. You can teach a puppy almost anything, but it requires patience and repetition. Just stay on top of it and emphasize how the "joking" makes you feel and that you consider it disrespectful. You may have to repeat the process a few times until he gets it.
By: unsure
Age: 36
Location: canada
Question: My significant other is texting and emailing a female friend (his, not ours) things like "are you naked, please say no because I couldn't handle that right now." He says it was a joke and promised to stop because it makes me uncomfortable but did it again.
VictorM's advice:
Forgetful fella, isn't he?
I can't blame you for being upset. The tone of their "joking" seems to have gone too far while at the same time being disrespectful to you. But sometimes guys just can't comprehend why certain things are a big deal with women.
Guys are like puppies. You can teach a puppy almost anything, but it requires patience and repetition. Just stay on top of it and emphasize how the "joking" makes you feel and that you consider it disrespectful. You may have to repeat the process a few times until he gets it.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Message for K ("I hate you")
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
I found this guy while I was separated from my husband
Submitted on Sunday, December 28, 2008
By: Crysta
Age: 23
Location: United States
Question:
hello!
It's hard for me to really write what i want to, but i need some advise. I recently got married, 2 months ago to be exact. i have been in a relationship with this person for a little over 5 years and even though it hasn't been good, i have managed to make it work, until now. i never cheated on him, though he cheated on me SEVERAL times. i found this guy who i started talking to while i was separated from my now husband. we talk a little and started to get to know each other. we have managed a little bit of a friendship and when i told him i got married it didn't seem to make a difference in the fact he wanted to hang out with me. the day before Christmas eve we met up at a movie and hung out. two days later i met him and we slept together. during all this time we would text and talk all day long. now i can barely get any kind of conversation. though i should feel bad that i have done what i did to my husband, i don't. however i don't get this so called guy on the side. was it the fact he just wanted to sleep with me and now that that has been done, he is done with me? should i bother trying to talk to him or just let it be? my husband and i are actually now in the process of a divorce (though it has nothing to do with me seeing this other guy). i do have feelings for my " guy on the side" and i just would like to have an idea if its worth any pursuit.... thanks
VictorM's advice:
I would advise you to finalize the divorce first and then, yeah, try to find out if there's anything still left with the other guy. Who knows why I pulled away. Could be for a lot of reasons, but it would all be speculation. You'll be better off trying to know for sure what he's thinking.
By: Crysta
Age: 23
Location: United States
Question:
hello!
It's hard for me to really write what i want to, but i need some advise. I recently got married, 2 months ago to be exact. i have been in a relationship with this person for a little over 5 years and even though it hasn't been good, i have managed to make it work, until now. i never cheated on him, though he cheated on me SEVERAL times. i found this guy who i started talking to while i was separated from my now husband. we talk a little and started to get to know each other. we have managed a little bit of a friendship and when i told him i got married it didn't seem to make a difference in the fact he wanted to hang out with me. the day before Christmas eve we met up at a movie and hung out. two days later i met him and we slept together. during all this time we would text and talk all day long. now i can barely get any kind of conversation. though i should feel bad that i have done what i did to my husband, i don't. however i don't get this so called guy on the side. was it the fact he just wanted to sleep with me and now that that has been done, he is done with me? should i bother trying to talk to him or just let it be? my husband and i are actually now in the process of a divorce (though it has nothing to do with me seeing this other guy). i do have feelings for my " guy on the side" and i just would like to have an idea if its worth any pursuit.... thanks
VictorM's advice:
I would advise you to finalize the divorce first and then, yeah, try to find out if there's anything still left with the other guy. Who knows why I pulled away. Could be for a lot of reasons, but it would all be speculation. You'll be better off trying to know for sure what he's thinking.
What is considered chasing?
Submitted on Sunday, December 28, 2008
By: Amy
Age: 21
Location: California
Question:
I saw on your website you are always saying not to chase a guy... but what is considered chasing? We are not officially dating yet, but we have hung out like five or six times. I have known him for like two or three months. In the beginning, he asked for my number and asked me out. For the first month or so, I only replied to his calls and texts and never contacted him first. But like three times, i have texted him first and said, hey how is your weekend, or hey what are you doing? without actually asking him out (and sometimes he would ask me out then but not always). also, one time i texted him and asked what he was doing that night and we texted back and forth and i told him to call me that night if he wanted to meet up (he said OK but he never called). also one time i texted him and he said he was going out of town, so i said, let's hang out when you get back. other than those times, he has always texted me first. so is that considered chasing?
VictorM's advice:
Your repeated requests to meet up is chasing him, yes. You're putting out there your interest to want to be with him, and by making it so easy on him, he pulls back. That's a very typical reaction.
There's a difference between getting his attention and letting him know that you want to be with him.
I suggest one of two things: either just get his attention (light flirting, asking how's he's doing, etc.) so that he's enticed and curious about your intentions, or, if you're not the patient kind, directly ask him out: "Let's meet Saturday, at 7:00 and Angelo's pizza." The very passive "let's hang out" gets you nowhere, as you have been finding out.
The first way allows him to do the work of chasing you, which most guys like. The second way cuts to the chase and if he's not interested in you, the answer will be obvious and you can move on.
By: Amy
Age: 21
Location: California
Question:
I saw on your website you are always saying not to chase a guy... but what is considered chasing? We are not officially dating yet, but we have hung out like five or six times. I have known him for like two or three months. In the beginning, he asked for my number and asked me out. For the first month or so, I only replied to his calls and texts and never contacted him first. But like three times, i have texted him first and said, hey how is your weekend, or hey what are you doing? without actually asking him out (and sometimes he would ask me out then but not always). also, one time i texted him and asked what he was doing that night and we texted back and forth and i told him to call me that night if he wanted to meet up (he said OK but he never called). also one time i texted him and he said he was going out of town, so i said, let's hang out when you get back. other than those times, he has always texted me first. so is that considered chasing?
VictorM's advice:
Your repeated requests to meet up is chasing him, yes. You're putting out there your interest to want to be with him, and by making it so easy on him, he pulls back. That's a very typical reaction.
There's a difference between getting his attention and letting him know that you want to be with him.
I suggest one of two things: either just get his attention (light flirting, asking how's he's doing, etc.) so that he's enticed and curious about your intentions, or, if you're not the patient kind, directly ask him out: "Let's meet Saturday, at 7:00 and Angelo's pizza." The very passive "let's hang out" gets you nowhere, as you have been finding out.
The first way allows him to do the work of chasing you, which most guys like. The second way cuts to the chase and if he's not interested in you, the answer will be obvious and you can move on.
My boyfriend and i split up after a disagreement
Submitted on Sunday, December 28, 2008
By: marie
Age: 40
Location: england
Question:
I am pretty confused right now.
My boyfriend and i split up after a disagreement by text message away back in February. He never actually said the relationship was finished, but it obviously was. I pestered him for an explanation for probably the first 6 weeks, all he said was that he didn't know what he wanted! After that, i basically left him alone. Eventually, over the course of the summer, he began to initiate contact, at first sporadically and then from the middle of August he began texting me virtually every day. This went on for nearly 3 months, and my emotions were all over the place, as although there was much contact, he never made any arrangements to see me! Eventually at the beginning of November, i asked him to come with me to a party, and he gave me an excuse as to why he wasn't able to come! At this point, i was very straight with him, told him that when we had been together (the relationship had lasted 4 months and he was referring to me as his girlfriend) i had totally fallen for him, thought he had felt the same, and i had no idea why he was still contacting me if he didn't have any plans to see me again! He was quite defensive, said he didn't think he wasn't being fair to me, and did i want him to stop texting me! I told him that he wasn't going to make me feel bad, and i loved hearing from him, but i was just letting him know what i wanted and that i was sure he would come to the correct decision! He then said that he loved hearing from me too!
He continued to text after this and i totally ignored his text messages for about a week and a half! He continued to persist! Eventually i started answering him again and about 3 weeks later, he asked to come and see me to which i agreed! We had a lovely day, it was obvious to me that he had missed me, he was saying things under his breath when we were kissing like "i waited so long for this" and "i've been so lonely." We ended up in bed and it was great. When my 2 teenage kids came home from school, he didn't bolt out the door (he'd met them before, but never had a conversation with them). He was in no rush to go home and made effort chatting to my kids! He continued to text me every day and he came to see me again the following week, stayed even longer this time and again made effort to chat to my son! At one point i was a bit nervous as my teenage son can be a bit mischievous and he calmly turned to me to reassure me that everything was fine!
He has continued to text me every day, if he goes out at the weekends he always texts me to let me know he's home and if i'm out, he always texts to ask how my night's going! However, it's now nearly been 3 weeks since he was last here! He's made references to kissing me again and wishing he was with me etc..but hasn't made any concrete plans to see me again! I have let him know that i want to see him again, and soon!...done it in a jokey way though, nothing too heavy! His answer was "yep sounds good!"
I asked if he wanted to come up to see me when i got home from my mothers on xmas day, but he said he was going to his cousin's, so i just said "ok, no probs, just a thought!"...he then kept the conversation going asking when the kids were coming home from their dads the next day! but never made any plans to see me!
I do think he likes me...but i don't know what to do. I don't want to put pressure on him but in a way i think, well why not, cause after all, i have been straight with him and told him what i was wanting, and he has never stated directly that he wants something casual. I'm also trying to wait till the festive season is over, just in case it's something to do with him wanting his freedom to do his own thing with his mates, and not getting roped into something too heavy right away! What you think victor!!
VictorM's advice:
As evidenced by his choice to break-up with you once before, guys aren't generally as quick as females to establish roots and to feel deeply connected to their partners. That's the major reason guys so often balk at commitment -- they simply aren't sold on the female yet.
That appears to be the case here. He likes you enough to want to continue seeing him, but he's not yet so attached that he's determined to stay. If you pressure him, I bet you'll just drive him away.
If he's worth your while and you're convince he likes you, just give him more time -- I'm talking months, not minutes -- without having "the talk" about where the relationship is headed.
By: marie
Age: 40
Location: england
Question:
I am pretty confused right now.
My boyfriend and i split up after a disagreement by text message away back in February. He never actually said the relationship was finished, but it obviously was. I pestered him for an explanation for probably the first 6 weeks, all he said was that he didn't know what he wanted! After that, i basically left him alone. Eventually, over the course of the summer, he began to initiate contact, at first sporadically and then from the middle of August he began texting me virtually every day. This went on for nearly 3 months, and my emotions were all over the place, as although there was much contact, he never made any arrangements to see me! Eventually at the beginning of November, i asked him to come with me to a party, and he gave me an excuse as to why he wasn't able to come! At this point, i was very straight with him, told him that when we had been together (the relationship had lasted 4 months and he was referring to me as his girlfriend) i had totally fallen for him, thought he had felt the same, and i had no idea why he was still contacting me if he didn't have any plans to see me again! He was quite defensive, said he didn't think he wasn't being fair to me, and did i want him to stop texting me! I told him that he wasn't going to make me feel bad, and i loved hearing from him, but i was just letting him know what i wanted and that i was sure he would come to the correct decision! He then said that he loved hearing from me too!
He continued to text after this and i totally ignored his text messages for about a week and a half! He continued to persist! Eventually i started answering him again and about 3 weeks later, he asked to come and see me to which i agreed! We had a lovely day, it was obvious to me that he had missed me, he was saying things under his breath when we were kissing like "i waited so long for this" and "i've been so lonely." We ended up in bed and it was great. When my 2 teenage kids came home from school, he didn't bolt out the door (he'd met them before, but never had a conversation with them). He was in no rush to go home and made effort chatting to my kids! He continued to text me every day and he came to see me again the following week, stayed even longer this time and again made effort to chat to my son! At one point i was a bit nervous as my teenage son can be a bit mischievous and he calmly turned to me to reassure me that everything was fine!
He has continued to text me every day, if he goes out at the weekends he always texts me to let me know he's home and if i'm out, he always texts to ask how my night's going! However, it's now nearly been 3 weeks since he was last here! He's made references to kissing me again and wishing he was with me etc..but hasn't made any concrete plans to see me again! I have let him know that i want to see him again, and soon!...done it in a jokey way though, nothing too heavy! His answer was "yep sounds good!"
I asked if he wanted to come up to see me when i got home from my mothers on xmas day, but he said he was going to his cousin's, so i just said "ok, no probs, just a thought!"...he then kept the conversation going asking when the kids were coming home from their dads the next day! but never made any plans to see me!
I do think he likes me...but i don't know what to do. I don't want to put pressure on him but in a way i think, well why not, cause after all, i have been straight with him and told him what i was wanting, and he has never stated directly that he wants something casual. I'm also trying to wait till the festive season is over, just in case it's something to do with him wanting his freedom to do his own thing with his mates, and not getting roped into something too heavy right away! What you think victor!!
VictorM's advice:
As evidenced by his choice to break-up with you once before, guys aren't generally as quick as females to establish roots and to feel deeply connected to their partners. That's the major reason guys so often balk at commitment -- they simply aren't sold on the female yet.
That appears to be the case here. He likes you enough to want to continue seeing him, but he's not yet so attached that he's determined to stay. If you pressure him, I bet you'll just drive him away.
If he's worth your while and you're convince he likes you, just give him more time -- I'm talking months, not minutes -- without having "the talk" about where the relationship is headed.
Guys just don't like me!
Submitted on Saturday, December 27, 2008
By Ellen, 13, from Detroit:
Help. Guys just don't like me! Am I really that ugly?
VictorM's advice:
Actually, if boys your age don't like you that's a pretty good sign that you're not ugly. Most boys your age just aren't ready for girls, specially pretty girls, so they try to avoid them or even mistreat them. What can I say... boys are dumb.
Just wait a few months. Things can change very rapidly.
By Ellen, 13, from Detroit:
Help. Guys just don't like me! Am I really that ugly?
VictorM's advice:
Actually, if boys your age don't like you that's a pretty good sign that you're not ugly. Most boys your age just aren't ready for girls, specially pretty girls, so they try to avoid them or even mistreat them. What can I say... boys are dumb.
Just wait a few months. Things can change very rapidly.
We had sex 3 times in the last 2 weeks
Submitted on Saturday, December 27, 2008
By Nicole, 32, from Richmond Virginia:
Hi Vic,
I recently started a fuck buddy arrangement with a man 8 years my junior. We both agreed after the first encounter we were not going to be together in a relationship. Well, things are going much slower than I planned. We had sex 3 times in the last 2 weeks and my drive is pretty crazy right now. Jokingly, I said if he didn't start putting out I would have to stop talking to him. He then replied' "Am I not interesting?" I told him of course, but I thought he was just interested in having sex with me. Therefore, why would he worry about being interesting. I told him by agreeing to the arrangement it was implied he was only interested in sex. He then stated, "Well that's not what I intended to imply." What's the deal with that?
VictorM's advice:
Things change. What seems like a good idea at first may not turn out to be that way. We're talking about human feelings and emotions, not some kind of product warranty.
None of it means he's falling for you, although he might be. Regardless of what he says, it's mainly about his ego's desire for you to want him for more than just sex, even if sex is all he wants. Your emotional indifference is a blow to his ego. The "not what I intended to imply" is a way of trying to free you from the "it's just sex" commitment.
By Nicole, 32, from Richmond Virginia:
Hi Vic,
I recently started a fuck buddy arrangement with a man 8 years my junior. We both agreed after the first encounter we were not going to be together in a relationship. Well, things are going much slower than I planned. We had sex 3 times in the last 2 weeks and my drive is pretty crazy right now. Jokingly, I said if he didn't start putting out I would have to stop talking to him. He then replied' "Am I not interesting?" I told him of course, but I thought he was just interested in having sex with me. Therefore, why would he worry about being interesting. I told him by agreeing to the arrangement it was implied he was only interested in sex. He then stated, "Well that's not what I intended to imply." What's the deal with that?
VictorM's advice:
Things change. What seems like a good idea at first may not turn out to be that way. We're talking about human feelings and emotions, not some kind of product warranty.
None of it means he's falling for you, although he might be. Regardless of what he says, it's mainly about his ego's desire for you to want him for more than just sex, even if sex is all he wants. Your emotional indifference is a blow to his ego. The "not what I intended to imply" is a way of trying to free you from the "it's just sex" commitment.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
He seemed quite selfish and manipulative!
Submitted on Saturday, December 27, 2008
By anna, 40, from uk:
First of all.....happy holidays! x
i am concerned about my friend! She has been involved with a guy for 6 months now. At first i really liked this guy...however..within the first month i spotted that he seemed quite selfish and manipulative!
He is single...never married..and at the upper end of the age scale!...He has `issues` relating to his family!....within the first 4 weeks of the relationship he asked mt friend if she would ever have any more kids...she has a 14 yr old and is 44yrs old!..to which my friend said that she didn`t think she would!....few weeks later, he brought the issue up again..saying that he wanted kids and she didn`t..so he wondered where this left them!!...my friend was distraught!...went to his home the next day to `discuss` things....but they both avoided dealing directly with the issue!
6 months on..they are still dating!...my friend is bessotted with him!...every so often e raises the `baby` issue...she say`s neither yes or no!....just avoids!
He is a very selfish man...who in 6 months of a relationship has never compromised anything!...everything is his way...to suit him!...my friend has never challenged him...or said `that night doesn`t suit me...what bout this night`....ever!
To be fair...he is getting to know her son!....trying to be friends him!
My friend thinks that they..as a couple...are heading towards marriage!....my concern is that he has recently told her his therapist has told him that she thinks that although he has been `in love` before....not the way he is in love with my friend!.....however...couple of days later...he says to her "i don't feel i can give you what you are looking for!".....her answer was....keep doing what you're doing...cos you're doing everything right!.....she wasn't remotely concerned by this....she loves him!
please...you`re advice would be invaluable!....i feel my friend is perhaps dealing with either a con artist....or a nutter!!!
VictorM's advice:
From what you wrote he sounds neither a con artist nor a nutter. Quite the opposite, he sounds like someone who knows what he wants, clearly communicated his thoughts, and despite a difference of views, is still willing to stick around and give it a shot.
As we age we become less willing to mold to others. In our 20's that pretty easy and expected. Later in life, not so much.
Your friend is happy. It's not clear why you're raining on her parade. Just because he would be wrong for you, doesn't mean he's a bad guy or wrong for her. You call him a selfish man who doesn't compromise. Well, that maybe so, but it's still up to her to decide and she may be fine with it. Or, most likely, she doesn't share your views about the man.
Your friend is no child and you're not her mother. Treat her like the grown woman she is. Even if her heart gets hurt down the road, so what? This is still a worthwhile time for her because she's in love and she's enjoying it. Share in her happiness. Besides, if you're too against him, she will simply stop telling you about him.
You don't seem to have much to go on anyway. He's never been married and he's playing it careful while retaining the individuality that he's been used to. At times he may even be confused about what he wants. He might have wanted his own children but is giving a shot at finding that in her son. Maybe he'll be fine with it, maybe he won't. None of this makes him a bad guy.
By anna, 40, from uk:
First of all.....happy holidays! x
i am concerned about my friend! She has been involved with a guy for 6 months now. At first i really liked this guy...however..within the first month i spotted that he seemed quite selfish and manipulative!
He is single...never married..and at the upper end of the age scale!...He has `issues` relating to his family!....within the first 4 weeks of the relationship he asked mt friend if she would ever have any more kids...she has a 14 yr old and is 44yrs old!..to which my friend said that she didn`t think she would!....few weeks later, he brought the issue up again..saying that he wanted kids and she didn`t..so he wondered where this left them!!...my friend was distraught!...went to his home the next day to `discuss` things....but they both avoided dealing directly with the issue!
6 months on..they are still dating!...my friend is bessotted with him!...every so often e raises the `baby` issue...she say`s neither yes or no!....just avoids!
He is a very selfish man...who in 6 months of a relationship has never compromised anything!...everything is his way...to suit him!...my friend has never challenged him...or said `that night doesn`t suit me...what bout this night`....ever!
To be fair...he is getting to know her son!....trying to be friends him!
My friend thinks that they..as a couple...are heading towards marriage!....my concern is that he has recently told her his therapist has told him that she thinks that although he has been `in love` before....not the way he is in love with my friend!.....however...couple of days later...he says to her "i don't feel i can give you what you are looking for!".....her answer was....keep doing what you're doing...cos you're doing everything right!.....she wasn't remotely concerned by this....she loves him!
please...you`re advice would be invaluable!....i feel my friend is perhaps dealing with either a con artist....or a nutter!!!
VictorM's advice:
From what you wrote he sounds neither a con artist nor a nutter. Quite the opposite, he sounds like someone who knows what he wants, clearly communicated his thoughts, and despite a difference of views, is still willing to stick around and give it a shot.
As we age we become less willing to mold to others. In our 20's that pretty easy and expected. Later in life, not so much.
Your friend is happy. It's not clear why you're raining on her parade. Just because he would be wrong for you, doesn't mean he's a bad guy or wrong for her. You call him a selfish man who doesn't compromise. Well, that maybe so, but it's still up to her to decide and she may be fine with it. Or, most likely, she doesn't share your views about the man.
Your friend is no child and you're not her mother. Treat her like the grown woman she is. Even if her heart gets hurt down the road, so what? This is still a worthwhile time for her because she's in love and she's enjoying it. Share in her happiness. Besides, if you're too against him, she will simply stop telling you about him.
You don't seem to have much to go on anyway. He's never been married and he's playing it careful while retaining the individuality that he's been used to. At times he may even be confused about what he wants. He might have wanted his own children but is giving a shot at finding that in her son. Maybe he'll be fine with it, maybe he won't. None of this makes him a bad guy.
He said he now just wants to be friends
Submitted on Saturday, December 27, 2008
By me again:
ok so i've written a few times about this "friend" of mine. most recently i commented on someone else's submissions about how he said he now just wants to be friends but still likes me and finds me attractive and blah blah blah but just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. and i don't want friends with benefits, so plain old friends it is. then he stopped talking to me. well, after a few weeks i decided to text him since you said he might be afraid of sending mixed signals. i told him i didn't like this no talking business and he said that he was sorry and that he'll call me soon and we'll hang out soon. it's been a week now and nothing again. i don't know i'm just to say, hey it's the holidays whatever, see what happens after the new year. or he really just doesn't want to be my friend and wants out of my life. i kind of think the latter.... you?
he did contact me by sending me a msg on myspace/facebook saying that my picture was great and that we'll talk soon. i thought that was kind of a cop out. do you think that was just a response to my text because he knew i wasn't happy that we haven't talked and he wanted to not seem like the bad guy?
VictorM's advice:
When a guy says he just wants to be friends, he really doesn't, he's just saying that to soften the blow.
Guys have little use for female friends, specially ones who like them. He really doesn't want to have to deal with you anymore. Guys put their energies into girls that show promise, and you're not someone he's interested in anymore.
By me again:
ok so i've written a few times about this "friend" of mine. most recently i commented on someone else's submissions about how he said he now just wants to be friends but still likes me and finds me attractive and blah blah blah but just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. and i don't want friends with benefits, so plain old friends it is. then he stopped talking to me. well, after a few weeks i decided to text him since you said he might be afraid of sending mixed signals. i told him i didn't like this no talking business and he said that he was sorry and that he'll call me soon and we'll hang out soon. it's been a week now and nothing again. i don't know i'm just to say, hey it's the holidays whatever, see what happens after the new year. or he really just doesn't want to be my friend and wants out of my life. i kind of think the latter.... you?
he did contact me by sending me a msg on myspace/facebook saying that my picture was great and that we'll talk soon. i thought that was kind of a cop out. do you think that was just a response to my text because he knew i wasn't happy that we haven't talked and he wanted to not seem like the bad guy?
VictorM's advice:
When a guy says he just wants to be friends, he really doesn't, he's just saying that to soften the blow.
Guys have little use for female friends, specially ones who like them. He really doesn't want to have to deal with you anymore. Guys put their energies into girls that show promise, and you're not someone he's interested in anymore.
Very very rocky 3 years
Submitted on Saturday, December 27, 2008
By travis, 29, from texas:
We have been together for a very very rocky 3 years come January. To make a long story short, I cheated on her and she has trouble trusting me even though she has stuck by my side since...we love one another...but we are having such a hard time getting back to where we were before I messed up...here is a recent email from her...what is she saying? and how do we build our trust again?
Well, Travis, that is one hurting girl.
Rebuilding trust is one of the, if not the most difficult thing to do in a relationship. Frankly, I'm not so sure that it ever happens. Some people can cope with it, but there is always a blemish that never goes away. It's a constant struggle. Every minute you're late, every look at another girl, every little piece that doesn't look in place... these are not only fearful moments of doubt, but fierce reminders of the betrayal. It is very hard work to live with that; it requires extra work on your part to minimize the instances of it happening, and the exercise of understanding when it does.
If you aren't up to the challenge, walk away now and give her the opportunity to heal, and in time, find someone else.
What does she want? She wants your blood. Figuratively speaking. She wants you to pay your penance by listening to her cry and having the stomach to let her cry and stay there while she does, without giving her any lip. When she cries, hold her. Stay with her. Listen to her.
But this is getting out of my league. I ask the female visitors to please chime in with advice for Travis. What can he do to ease her pain? (Please use the Visitor Comments section below).
By travis, 29, from texas:
We have been together for a very very rocky 3 years come January. To make a long story short, I cheated on her and she has trouble trusting me even though she has stuck by my side since...we love one another...but we are having such a hard time getting back to where we were before I messed up...here is a recent email from her...what is she saying? and how do we build our trust again?
I called you because I had something I needed to tell you, I needed to say it, I say 3 words and immediately you are starting to tell me how I feel inside and what I know. When you don't know shit about how I feel.VictorM's advice:
You should see my hurt, my pain, the sadness I feel- you should see all that in the way I talk to you, you should be able to see how everything btw us lately is breaking my heart because that is how much I love you.
But you don't. you say " stop crying".... stop crying...im sorry I love you and things are breaking my heart right now because of how things btw us are....im sorry that I care about you really...
I was calling to tell you, I was leaving it to you....after last night and tonight....I dont know what more to do.....
I can tell you 1000+ reasons on how, why and what I love about you........but none of that matters in your eyes..
We both know I am beyond worried about you going out........I told you, I would give the world to not have that ounce of worry in me when you say Im going out...
I don't want to feel it...I want to trust you, I want things to be good btw the two of us...but I don't know how to feel okay when as I told you last night, you've been so distant...
I have been trying to come to you, to tell you what i am feeling, and NO, beyond what you think it is not to start fights with you....its what ppl do...if they have concerns they talk about it with the person.....and thats all i have been trying to do.....
Im not going to pretend I am fine, and I sure as hell am not going to listen to you say " u will never be happy with me amy" or "youll find another guy amy"
WHEN WILL U SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU!
WHEN WILL U SEE THAT I AM HAPPY WITH YOU WHEN I KNOW YOU GIVE A DAMN!
WHEN WILL U SEE THAT ALLLLL I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO IS WORK ON THIS SHIT THAT HAS BEEN EATTING AWAY AT ME!!!!
I was calling to tell you, I love you wayyyy too much to leave you, I dont even want to hear it.....
but, i was also calling to tell you, i dont know the answer to being okay....
so if you wanted to walk away, then i will try to not scream and cry out the ass, until you hang up...I wont yell at you not to...
everyone knows how much i love you, except it seems you do not....
I am just trying to be okay...and I was turning to you for help with that...like you have asked me to do in the past....
You say that i cant be happy with you...
Travis, if i wasnt would i be here?
am i happy today, tonight, last night, the past 3 months...no, not realy, and we talked about that...
was i happy xmas eve-when it was us again, when we had a great time shopping, talking in the car, goofing around, going out to dinner....absolutly 100%
and that is what kills me the most...knowing- so easily that that is right there....
Ive been coming to you now for 2-3 months, occassionally telling you whats been bothering me, and trying to talk to you...and thats all i have done the past 2 days as well...and all i get out of the whole thing is negativeness from you...
Travis, I wish I could put into words the amount of love I hold for you...
and I wish you could see even 10% of that love.......
but if you cant see any good in this, then i dont know what else to do...
No, I dont want you to walk away...
and No, I dont want to walk away.....
but things just are not right......and im here trying....and trying...
but its like im talking to a dead relationship tombstone that you already set inbtw us and you will not allow it to be risen...
I dont knwo what else to say.....
all i can say is i want you to be happy and if that means me out of your life...
then you need to do that for yourslef....
all my love.
.then.now.always.
Well, Travis, that is one hurting girl.
Rebuilding trust is one of the, if not the most difficult thing to do in a relationship. Frankly, I'm not so sure that it ever happens. Some people can cope with it, but there is always a blemish that never goes away. It's a constant struggle. Every minute you're late, every look at another girl, every little piece that doesn't look in place... these are not only fearful moments of doubt, but fierce reminders of the betrayal. It is very hard work to live with that; it requires extra work on your part to minimize the instances of it happening, and the exercise of understanding when it does.
If you aren't up to the challenge, walk away now and give her the opportunity to heal, and in time, find someone else.
What does she want? She wants your blood. Figuratively speaking. She wants you to pay your penance by listening to her cry and having the stomach to let her cry and stay there while she does, without giving her any lip. When she cries, hold her. Stay with her. Listen to her.
But this is getting out of my league. I ask the female visitors to please chime in with advice for Travis. What can he do to ease her pain? (Please use the Visitor Comments section below).
He went was to make his oldest daughter happy
Submitted on Friday, December 26, 2008
By Jennifer, 33, from ft mitchell, kentucky:
My boyfriend, who has a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage, has a 6 year old daughter with me. He left at 2:30am with his 12 year old daughter and parents to go to Florida on a Christmas vacation. I was asked to go but I had to work. I am really upset with him because the only reason he went was to make his oldest daughter happy so she could go and fly back home. No one tells her no. Me and our 6 year old daughter stayed home. Am I wrong to think that we should just end our 8 years together since all that really matters to him is making his 12 year old happy and letting her get what she wants instead of staying home and waiting so we can a family vacation together?
VictorM's advice:
I don't have all the details but from what you told me, yeah, you are wrong. Very wrong, in fact.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to make his 12 year old daughter happy. For crying out loud, how can that be a problem? Besides, you were asked to come along.
Have you considered that maybe he pays attention to the 12 year old knowing that the 6 year old has a fine mother and maybe the other one doesn't?
There is also the possibility that he carries some guilt for the break up of his marriage and needs to make it up to the young girl, who no doubt was harmed. That's not at all a bad trait for a man to have.
You imply that the girl is spoiled. Even if so, spoiling a girl with love and attention is not a terrible thing to do. Certainly a lot better than neglect.
Further, you seem to be placing your needs (or your hurt feelings) above the needs of your 6 year old daughter, who is most likely to be better off with her mom and dad instead of just one of you.
Get over it. Allow him some liberties with his 12 year old and make an effort to improve things at home, for you and for your daughter.
By Jennifer, 33, from ft mitchell, kentucky:
My boyfriend, who has a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage, has a 6 year old daughter with me. He left at 2:30am with his 12 year old daughter and parents to go to Florida on a Christmas vacation. I was asked to go but I had to work. I am really upset with him because the only reason he went was to make his oldest daughter happy so she could go and fly back home. No one tells her no. Me and our 6 year old daughter stayed home. Am I wrong to think that we should just end our 8 years together since all that really matters to him is making his 12 year old happy and letting her get what she wants instead of staying home and waiting so we can a family vacation together?
VictorM's advice:
I don't have all the details but from what you told me, yeah, you are wrong. Very wrong, in fact.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to make his 12 year old daughter happy. For crying out loud, how can that be a problem? Besides, you were asked to come along.
Have you considered that maybe he pays attention to the 12 year old knowing that the 6 year old has a fine mother and maybe the other one doesn't?
There is also the possibility that he carries some guilt for the break up of his marriage and needs to make it up to the young girl, who no doubt was harmed. That's not at all a bad trait for a man to have.
You imply that the girl is spoiled. Even if so, spoiling a girl with love and attention is not a terrible thing to do. Certainly a lot better than neglect.
Further, you seem to be placing your needs (or your hurt feelings) above the needs of your 6 year old daughter, who is most likely to be better off with her mom and dad instead of just one of you.
Get over it. Allow him some liberties with his 12 year old and make an effort to improve things at home, for you and for your daughter.
I look somewhat like a Japanese doll
Submitted on Friday, December 26, 2008
By Chime, 15, from Beverly Hills:
uhhm I know this is gonna sound weird, but I'm just really curious, A lot of people have the idea that I'm a shy, quiet bookworm when they see me..... Probably because my skin is too pale to the point that I have to use the lightest foundation.... and I have long black hair that covers my face.... I look somewhat like a Japanese doll cause of my mom is Japanese, I like how I look like, but people just prefer bronzed skin these days and stuff like that.... I don't want to ruin my skin with products really I don't know... Maybe it's why guys won't go for me? I mean I'm not THAT skinny.... just petite and cup C's aren't really small for my height of 5'4''. I really don't get why most of the boys who go for me are almost all into screamo bands from school and stuff like that. It's not like I hate them or anything, I just want a straightedge guy with no tattoo and doesn't wear black all the time and actually looks clean and sober most of the time.... I don't really know how to handle these edgy boys, so I just try my best not to hurt them and agree most of the time even though sometimes it's not my will..... why am I such a bait to these boys anyway? it couldn't be out musical taste since I'm into opera..... so I really do not know. I try to be as nice as I could to people but most of the soft looking guys just regard me as a friend, I study with some nerdy fellas sometimes but they also don't ask me on dates.... is it my appearance, behavior, intelligence? What is it?
VictorM's advice:
If you want to change who you get attracted to you, or who gets attracted to you, you need to change yourself. Whether you call it appearance, behavior, or intelligence, there is a perception by those around you about who you are and what you like. It is that perception about you and about yourself that must chance.
Being pale white, Japanese, C-cup, has nothing to do with it, per se, because enough guys find those attributes just fine.
If your hair is in your face, cut it differently. If you're too serious, smile more often -- force yourself, if you have to. If you spend lots of time indoors, go out more often. Don't be so damn nice to everyone. If you wear darker clothes, buy brighter ones. Currently you cover your skin? Time to show off more of that gloriously creamy white skin. Etc.
You don't have to do all of the things I just mentioned, they are just a list for you to consider. You might think of some yourself, but make some changes in your life if you want different results.
By Chime, 15, from Beverly Hills:
uhhm I know this is gonna sound weird, but I'm just really curious, A lot of people have the idea that I'm a shy, quiet bookworm when they see me..... Probably because my skin is too pale to the point that I have to use the lightest foundation.... and I have long black hair that covers my face.... I look somewhat like a Japanese doll cause of my mom is Japanese, I like how I look like, but people just prefer bronzed skin these days and stuff like that.... I don't want to ruin my skin with products really I don't know... Maybe it's why guys won't go for me? I mean I'm not THAT skinny.... just petite and cup C's aren't really small for my height of 5'4''. I really don't get why most of the boys who go for me are almost all into screamo bands from school and stuff like that. It's not like I hate them or anything, I just want a straightedge guy with no tattoo and doesn't wear black all the time and actually looks clean and sober most of the time.... I don't really know how to handle these edgy boys, so I just try my best not to hurt them and agree most of the time even though sometimes it's not my will..... why am I such a bait to these boys anyway? it couldn't be out musical taste since I'm into opera..... so I really do not know. I try to be as nice as I could to people but most of the soft looking guys just regard me as a friend, I study with some nerdy fellas sometimes but they also don't ask me on dates.... is it my appearance, behavior, intelligence? What is it?
VictorM's advice:
If you want to change who you get attracted to you, or who gets attracted to you, you need to change yourself. Whether you call it appearance, behavior, or intelligence, there is a perception by those around you about who you are and what you like. It is that perception about you and about yourself that must chance.
Being pale white, Japanese, C-cup, has nothing to do with it, per se, because enough guys find those attributes just fine.
If your hair is in your face, cut it differently. If you're too serious, smile more often -- force yourself, if you have to. If you spend lots of time indoors, go out more often. Don't be so damn nice to everyone. If you wear darker clothes, buy brighter ones. Currently you cover your skin? Time to show off more of that gloriously creamy white skin. Etc.
You don't have to do all of the things I just mentioned, they are just a list for you to consider. You might think of some yourself, but make some changes in your life if you want different results.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
"It's me again"
I have received two submissions saying "it's me again" but with no name and no reference to which question. Can whomever you are, please let me know what previous question are you referring to?
Thanks.
Thanks.
I even offered sex just to make him stay
Submitted on Friday, December 26, 2008
By Karyn, 30, from New York:
After a four-year relationship, my ex-boyfriend asked for space because he felt that he has lost the spark. He also told me that he had a one night stand with another woman and he wasn't even apologetic about it. Despite all this, I still begged him to stay with me. I even offered sex just to make him stay. I did other stupid things, but all were not successful.
Weeks later, I gathered my senses and I decided to just let him go before I humiliate myself even further....and we never had sex (i wasn't so stupid after all =D). Oh, and I stopped acting needy after I gathered my senses.
I wished my ex would try to win him back. He didn't. However, even after we broke up, he still regularly sends me text messages which are usually sweet. He did this for one year after our break-up. He never had a girlfriend during that period. Since he wasn't suggesting that he wanted to get back together, I slowly stopped responding to his text messages...until one day he stopped texting me. Our communication was cut off eventually.
A few months after he stopped texting me, I found my dream job in another country. I became an expatriate in one of the biggest companies in the world and I succeeded big time. I did not inform him about this because I did not want to initiate contact after months of zero communication. I also did not inform him that I was moving to another big-time location because, again, I did not want to be the first to call. Now he has no way of contacting me because I changed my address and all forms of communication -- residence address, phone number, email, etc. I have no idea whether or not he had been trying to contact me after I left.
Today, it's been two years after our break-up. He now has a girlfriend for two months. He only started having a girlfriend after we lost communication.
Despite all my career success and my change in country, I still have feelings for him. I want to start opening the communication lines again with him even though I know that it is not a guarantee that he will try to win me back. I feel that I have already given him space -- two years of break up, one year of which with zero communication.
Is it ok to be the one to initiate the communication after one year of zero contact?
The 4-year relationship was meaningful to me and I dont want to regret that I did not make a second effort to win him back. On the other hand, I don't want to appear needy again just like last time because he might totally lose respect on me.
Is it ok to send him a casual "Happy New Year" email just so he would know my new contact details?
What would he think if I start to open the communication lines again?
What else could I do to try to win him back without embarrassing myself?
VictorM's advice:
He's over you, plain and simple. The contact after you broke up was not for your sake; it was for his. The texting was all about him not feeling cold-hearted about himself and avoiding doing it cold-turkey (even when love ceases, breaking a routine is like breaking a habit). The texting was all about helping him feel better about himself.
If he was interested in you still I suspect he'd have found you. But according to your own narrative, he had already stopped messaging you before you disappeared. I don't think he found a girlfriend because you vanished; he found one because he had finally gotten you out of his system.
But the last thing you should live with is with this "what if..." What if there is still a glimmer of hope? So yeah, contact him. The New Year's message is fine, but you really don't need an excuse. You were a big part of each others' lives, you embarked on big changes in your life, and now you're reaching out to share those adventures and to find out what he's up to. He may ignore you or even brush you off but even that, crushing or embarrassing as it may be, will still be better and easier to deal with than a lifetime of "what if."
By Karyn, 30, from New York:
After a four-year relationship, my ex-boyfriend asked for space because he felt that he has lost the spark. He also told me that he had a one night stand with another woman and he wasn't even apologetic about it. Despite all this, I still begged him to stay with me. I even offered sex just to make him stay. I did other stupid things, but all were not successful.
Weeks later, I gathered my senses and I decided to just let him go before I humiliate myself even further....and we never had sex (i wasn't so stupid after all =D). Oh, and I stopped acting needy after I gathered my senses.
I wished my ex would try to win him back. He didn't. However, even after we broke up, he still regularly sends me text messages which are usually sweet. He did this for one year after our break-up. He never had a girlfriend during that period. Since he wasn't suggesting that he wanted to get back together, I slowly stopped responding to his text messages...until one day he stopped texting me. Our communication was cut off eventually.
A few months after he stopped texting me, I found my dream job in another country. I became an expatriate in one of the biggest companies in the world and I succeeded big time. I did not inform him about this because I did not want to initiate contact after months of zero communication. I also did not inform him that I was moving to another big-time location because, again, I did not want to be the first to call. Now he has no way of contacting me because I changed my address and all forms of communication -- residence address, phone number, email, etc. I have no idea whether or not he had been trying to contact me after I left.
Today, it's been two years after our break-up. He now has a girlfriend for two months. He only started having a girlfriend after we lost communication.
Despite all my career success and my change in country, I still have feelings for him. I want to start opening the communication lines again with him even though I know that it is not a guarantee that he will try to win me back. I feel that I have already given him space -- two years of break up, one year of which with zero communication.
Is it ok to be the one to initiate the communication after one year of zero contact?
The 4-year relationship was meaningful to me and I dont want to regret that I did not make a second effort to win him back. On the other hand, I don't want to appear needy again just like last time because he might totally lose respect on me.
Is it ok to send him a casual "Happy New Year" email just so he would know my new contact details?
What would he think if I start to open the communication lines again?
What else could I do to try to win him back without embarrassing myself?
VictorM's advice:
He's over you, plain and simple. The contact after you broke up was not for your sake; it was for his. The texting was all about him not feeling cold-hearted about himself and avoiding doing it cold-turkey (even when love ceases, breaking a routine is like breaking a habit). The texting was all about helping him feel better about himself.
If he was interested in you still I suspect he'd have found you. But according to your own narrative, he had already stopped messaging you before you disappeared. I don't think he found a girlfriend because you vanished; he found one because he had finally gotten you out of his system.
But the last thing you should live with is with this "what if..." What if there is still a glimmer of hope? So yeah, contact him. The New Year's message is fine, but you really don't need an excuse. You were a big part of each others' lives, you embarked on big changes in your life, and now you're reaching out to share those adventures and to find out what he's up to. He may ignore you or even brush you off but even that, crushing or embarrassing as it may be, will still be better and easier to deal with than a lifetime of "what if."
I like my little brother's friend
Submitted on Friday, December 26, 2008
By Beatrix, 18, from Florida:
I like my little brother's friend..... Well, my brother is 15 and his friend Max, is 16.... Okay so the thing is, I'm in High school and he's like in 8th grade. And I think he's really funny and cool and totally good looking, even though we have only talked when he is in our house to go play guitar with my brother in the garage. But it's so good to talk to him and I really think he likes me too since he's the first one who initiated a convo with me and there had been times that my brother tease him about me, but I don't know..... I'm kinda stereotyped as the blond popular girl since I'm a cheerleader.... I do have other boys flirting with me every Saturday night.... But I really like my brother's friend for some weird reason. Meanwhile there's this college guy my friend wants me to go out with... But I just don't feel a connection with that college guy, I mean sure he's in a good frat and all but I think he's just a sex-crazed jerk.... And I'm sure he has other girls..... So I'm not really considering him. I just really like my younger brother's friend but I don't want to seem easy or something. HELP??!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't understand your worry. You like the kid, he seems to like you. Just talk to him. Spend more time with him. Maybe nothing will come off it, maybe something will. Being friendly and interested in someone does not make you "easy or something."
By Beatrix, 18, from Florida:
I like my little brother's friend..... Well, my brother is 15 and his friend Max, is 16.... Okay so the thing is, I'm in High school and he's like in 8th grade. And I think he's really funny and cool and totally good looking, even though we have only talked when he is in our house to go play guitar with my brother in the garage. But it's so good to talk to him and I really think he likes me too since he's the first one who initiated a convo with me and there had been times that my brother tease him about me, but I don't know..... I'm kinda stereotyped as the blond popular girl since I'm a cheerleader.... I do have other boys flirting with me every Saturday night.... But I really like my brother's friend for some weird reason. Meanwhile there's this college guy my friend wants me to go out with... But I just don't feel a connection with that college guy, I mean sure he's in a good frat and all but I think he's just a sex-crazed jerk.... And I'm sure he has other girls..... So I'm not really considering him. I just really like my younger brother's friend but I don't want to seem easy or something. HELP??!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't understand your worry. You like the kid, he seems to like you. Just talk to him. Spend more time with him. Maybe nothing will come off it, maybe something will. Being friendly and interested in someone does not make you "easy or something."
Friday, December 26, 2008
iv just split up with my boyfriend
Submitted on Thursday, December 25, 2008
By anonymous, 18, from cornwall:
wat shell i do
iv just split up with my boyfriend after 2 years w had a rockey one it was like love and hate i felt so trapped with him somtimes like i couldent move when i was wth him i didnt go out with my friends cas he would make my nite horrible and texting me and rining me we have been on and off for a wile and wen ever we split up he goes of with someone else and then comes back to me he has dont it everytime one time he went of with someone and was with her for a mounth and i went off with one of his mates and then we got back together and then he done it again we split up and he whent and slepped with someone else then i gave him anpouther chance. he was hiding his phone from me and changing his sim card and one night i found his sim card and all these texts started coming throu about meeting these girls not long afer he split up with me again and he has kept saying to me that he wanted me then he dint he would sleep with me then he would say i dont think its working out he changed his mind day by day hour to hour and he lied to me evan about someone he slept with being pregnant and latley wen hes been messing me around he finaly rold me he has someone else and they wer with eachother when i was with him thats y he was hiding his phone.and when i told her all about it we whent out clubbing last nite but the thing is its hard for me when hes telling her he wants to be with her when im there and shes telling me what he is putting and iv hurd it all b4 with the others he had he sais he really likes her but i dont no if it is to hurt me becuse he was still sleeping with me while seeing her i dont no what i feel at the moment will he mess me around againat the moment he said he hates me and wishes i was dead and never whants to see me again i dont no what to do please help me
VictorM's advice:
The first thing I would like you to do is rewrite this question so I understand what you're saying.
Look, I'm tolerant of typos, misspellings, slang, shorthand, even some cyberspeak, but your submission looks like it was typed with your toes. Heck, it almost looks like from an interview with Sarah Palin. :-p
If you expect me to make an effort to give you an answer, I expect that you make some effort to make your submission legible. I know that sometimes people writing are frantic and agitated but I ask that you rewrite it and resubmit it to make sure that I understand it before I reply to it.
By anonymous, 18, from cornwall:
wat shell i do
iv just split up with my boyfriend after 2 years w had a rockey one it was like love and hate i felt so trapped with him somtimes like i couldent move when i was wth him i didnt go out with my friends cas he would make my nite horrible and texting me and rining me we have been on and off for a wile and wen ever we split up he goes of with someone else and then comes back to me he has dont it everytime one time he went of with someone and was with her for a mounth and i went off with one of his mates and then we got back together and then he done it again we split up and he whent and slepped with someone else then i gave him anpouther chance. he was hiding his phone from me and changing his sim card and one night i found his sim card and all these texts started coming throu about meeting these girls not long afer he split up with me again and he has kept saying to me that he wanted me then he dint he would sleep with me then he would say i dont think its working out he changed his mind day by day hour to hour and he lied to me evan about someone he slept with being pregnant and latley wen hes been messing me around he finaly rold me he has someone else and they wer with eachother when i was with him thats y he was hiding his phone.and when i told her all about it we whent out clubbing last nite but the thing is its hard for me when hes telling her he wants to be with her when im there and shes telling me what he is putting and iv hurd it all b4 with the others he had he sais he really likes her but i dont no if it is to hurt me becuse he was still sleeping with me while seeing her i dont no what i feel at the moment will he mess me around againat the moment he said he hates me and wishes i was dead and never whants to see me again i dont no what to do please help me
VictorM's advice:
The first thing I would like you to do is rewrite this question so I understand what you're saying.
Look, I'm tolerant of typos, misspellings, slang, shorthand, even some cyberspeak, but your submission looks like it was typed with your toes. Heck, it almost looks like from an interview with Sarah Palin. :-p
If you expect me to make an effort to give you an answer, I expect that you make some effort to make your submission legible. I know that sometimes people writing are frantic and agitated but I ask that you rewrite it and resubmit it to make sure that I understand it before I reply to it.
I kissed him finally
Submitted on Tuesday, December 23, 2008
By Julie, 24, from Boston:
Hi, I emailed you a few weeks ago with a question about a guy who tried to kiss me who I turned down. Anyway, as I said, he was upset about it, so the next weekend I told him to call me if he wanted to get together and he said ok, but I never heard from him. So the next week, I texted him again making small talk and at the end of the conversation he asked if I wanted to meet in the next few days and I said ok. I texted him a couple of days after that and asked if he wanted to meet but he was busy so he suggested the next day. So the next day we met up and at the end of the night, I kissed him finally. I told him I am the type of person who really needs to take things slow and he said maybe I was making it up and that I was playing games, but I told him that a few times and said I am a really conservative person, so I think in the end he believed me. We made out and and then he said he didn't understand me and he said he would contact me. The next day, he texted me asking what I was up to and I told him and asked what he was doing but he said he was at home and didn't suggest meeting up. Then a few days later, he asked me what I was doing and I said I wasn't doing anything, and he did not suggest meeting up in response to that. What do you think is going on?
VictorM's advice:
When this guy couldn't accept your explanation for not kissing him that first time around, he was thinking that you were just playing games with him. Why would he think that? My guess is that he is himself a mind game player and based on his own behavior that was the logical explanation for his skepticism. This is called psychological projection.*
This also suggests then that his current behavior of calling you, asking what you're doing, and not suggest meeting up is some kind of mind game. I don't know what game he's playing, but that is what he's doing. I can take one guess: he's prompting you to ask him out, which is a way to prove that you're really not as conservative as you say you are.
We all, to varying degrees, exercise projection, it's what it tells us about the other person that we should pay close attention to. People who play mind games are people you're better off staying away from.
* From Wikipedia:
By Julie, 24, from Boston:
Hi, I emailed you a few weeks ago with a question about a guy who tried to kiss me who I turned down. Anyway, as I said, he was upset about it, so the next weekend I told him to call me if he wanted to get together and he said ok, but I never heard from him. So the next week, I texted him again making small talk and at the end of the conversation he asked if I wanted to meet in the next few days and I said ok. I texted him a couple of days after that and asked if he wanted to meet but he was busy so he suggested the next day. So the next day we met up and at the end of the night, I kissed him finally. I told him I am the type of person who really needs to take things slow and he said maybe I was making it up and that I was playing games, but I told him that a few times and said I am a really conservative person, so I think in the end he believed me. We made out and and then he said he didn't understand me and he said he would contact me. The next day, he texted me asking what I was up to and I told him and asked what he was doing but he said he was at home and didn't suggest meeting up. Then a few days later, he asked me what I was doing and I said I wasn't doing anything, and he did not suggest meeting up in response to that. What do you think is going on?
VictorM's advice:
When this guy couldn't accept your explanation for not kissing him that first time around, he was thinking that you were just playing games with him. Why would he think that? My guess is that he is himself a mind game player and based on his own behavior that was the logical explanation for his skepticism. This is called psychological projection.*
This also suggests then that his current behavior of calling you, asking what you're doing, and not suggest meeting up is some kind of mind game. I don't know what game he's playing, but that is what he's doing. I can take one guess: he's prompting you to ask him out, which is a way to prove that you're really not as conservative as you say you are.
We all, to varying degrees, exercise projection, it's what it tells us about the other person that we should pay close attention to. People who play mind games are people you're better off staying away from.
* From Wikipedia:
According to Sigmund Freud, projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one "projects" one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else. It is a common process that every person uses to some degree.
To understand the process, consider a person in a couple who has thoughts of infidelity. Instead of dealing with these undesirable thoughts consciously, he or she subconsciously projects these feelings onto the other person, and begins to think that the other has thoughts of infidelity and may be having an affair.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
We decided to keep things quiet
Submitted on Tuesday, December 23, 2008
By Emma, 24, from Surrey:
I've been seeing this guy for nearly a YEAR. I have strong feelings for him and respect everything about him. He has a 10 year old son which i have never met, and our families don't really get along. In the the beginning we decided to keep things quiet [not go out in public] and it's kinda stayed that way. There is an age gap of 13 years but we get on so well emotionally, mentally, and sexually, honestly not so great with communication but otherwise great. My mum hates the age difference and is somewhat nasty but surely I should follow my heart and my own instincts even if it is just to learn and be happy. Anyway, how can I move this relationship forward if possible?
VictorM's advice:
Even if I'm not sure what you mean by moving the relationship forward, it must start with you both being willing to get off the shadows and make it public.
When you talk to him about this -- and you must -- make it very clear that that is what you want. Don't mince words, don't try to cushion it. Be direct and to the point and speak in first person, such as: "I wants us to go public." Don't beat around the bush.
If he's not willing to do that, frankly, you have nowhere to go. You're stuck. Any thoughts of anything else is pure fantasy.
By Emma, 24, from Surrey:
I've been seeing this guy for nearly a YEAR. I have strong feelings for him and respect everything about him. He has a 10 year old son which i have never met, and our families don't really get along. In the the beginning we decided to keep things quiet [not go out in public] and it's kinda stayed that way. There is an age gap of 13 years but we get on so well emotionally, mentally, and sexually, honestly not so great with communication but otherwise great. My mum hates the age difference and is somewhat nasty but surely I should follow my heart and my own instincts even if it is just to learn and be happy. Anyway, how can I move this relationship forward if possible?
VictorM's advice:
Even if I'm not sure what you mean by moving the relationship forward, it must start with you both being willing to get off the shadows and make it public.
When you talk to him about this -- and you must -- make it very clear that that is what you want. Don't mince words, don't try to cushion it. Be direct and to the point and speak in first person, such as: "I wants us to go public." Don't beat around the bush.
If he's not willing to do that, frankly, you have nowhere to go. You're stuck. Any thoughts of anything else is pure fantasy.
Too shy to ask for it
Submitted on Tuesday, December 23, 2008
By bear, 28, from canada:
If a guy wants your phone number but is too shy to ask for it, will he come up with some sort of an excuse such as I didn't have your number to let you know he does like you?
VictorM's advice:
Shy guys make up in imagination for what they lack in courage. Yes, they will find all kinds of round about ways to find information in a way that limits their exposure to rejection.
By bear, 28, from canada:
If a guy wants your phone number but is too shy to ask for it, will he come up with some sort of an excuse such as I didn't have your number to let you know he does like you?
VictorM's advice:
Shy guys make up in imagination for what they lack in courage. Yes, they will find all kinds of round about ways to find information in a way that limits their exposure to rejection.
He has asked me out in advance only once
Submitted on Tuesday, December 23, 2008
By Jen, 24, from NY:
So I have gone out with this guy a few times, and by gone out, I mean, in a group with others. What happens every time is, he will text me on a Friday or Saturday and ask if I am out, and if I say yes, he will come meet up with me sometimes. He has asked me out in advance only once (and even then it was when I invited him out one night and he couldn't come so he asked if I wanted to do something the next day), and that was the only time we went out just the two of us. Usually, he will text me first asking what I am doing, and I'll tell him where I am or something, and then unless I write back inviting him to come by or saying we should meet, he won't say anything more. The last time we hung out he told me he is shy (he is 25 years old) so I don't know if that's what's going on here. Do you think he's actually shy and likes me, or is just playing games or something, or doesn't really care about me that much and only texts me or wants to meet up when he is bored? By the way, we have only made out a couple of times and have not slept together. In the beginning (a few months ago), he did contact me a few days early and asked if I wanted to hang out later that week, but did not make definite plans and I only heard from him the night that he wanted to meet a few days later. Also, he only ever texts me and has only called once before.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think boredom is the issue. If he's very shy, chances are that he just has a great inability to handle rejection. That's a predominant attribute of shy people. If I'm right, his problem with rejection is the reason he doesn't ask you out, or even volunteer to meet you without you asking. It would also explain why he texts (it's a one way message) as opposed to a phone call, where even the mere mention by you that you're busy at this moment will be interpreted by him as rejection. In severe shyness cases, even you not answering the phone is seen as rejection.
Trust him, what I described is very real and very debilitating. Chances are that he'd love to just go meet you, and call you, but his fear of being "rejected" (that's not the word you would use to describe not being able to talk or see him, but that's how he sees it) prevents him from taking the steps he would like to take.
Shyness is mostly a lack of trust. He still doesn't trust you enough not to laugh at him, or not make fun of him. And please, don't say to him that you won't laugh or put him down, that won't work. Just encourage him to call you, and if you ever can't talk to him or can't see him, make sure to emphasize that you wish you could and right then and there offer a rain check. Once he feels he can trust you, his behavior will change towards you.
By Jen, 24, from NY:
So I have gone out with this guy a few times, and by gone out, I mean, in a group with others. What happens every time is, he will text me on a Friday or Saturday and ask if I am out, and if I say yes, he will come meet up with me sometimes. He has asked me out in advance only once (and even then it was when I invited him out one night and he couldn't come so he asked if I wanted to do something the next day), and that was the only time we went out just the two of us. Usually, he will text me first asking what I am doing, and I'll tell him where I am or something, and then unless I write back inviting him to come by or saying we should meet, he won't say anything more. The last time we hung out he told me he is shy (he is 25 years old) so I don't know if that's what's going on here. Do you think he's actually shy and likes me, or is just playing games or something, or doesn't really care about me that much and only texts me or wants to meet up when he is bored? By the way, we have only made out a couple of times and have not slept together. In the beginning (a few months ago), he did contact me a few days early and asked if I wanted to hang out later that week, but did not make definite plans and I only heard from him the night that he wanted to meet a few days later. Also, he only ever texts me and has only called once before.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think boredom is the issue. If he's very shy, chances are that he just has a great inability to handle rejection. That's a predominant attribute of shy people. If I'm right, his problem with rejection is the reason he doesn't ask you out, or even volunteer to meet you without you asking. It would also explain why he texts (it's a one way message) as opposed to a phone call, where even the mere mention by you that you're busy at this moment will be interpreted by him as rejection. In severe shyness cases, even you not answering the phone is seen as rejection.
Trust him, what I described is very real and very debilitating. Chances are that he'd love to just go meet you, and call you, but his fear of being "rejected" (that's not the word you would use to describe not being able to talk or see him, but that's how he sees it) prevents him from taking the steps he would like to take.
Shyness is mostly a lack of trust. He still doesn't trust you enough not to laugh at him, or not make fun of him. And please, don't say to him that you won't laugh or put him down, that won't work. Just encourage him to call you, and if you ever can't talk to him or can't see him, make sure to emphasize that you wish you could and right then and there offer a rain check. Once he feels he can trust you, his behavior will change towards you.
He broke up cause he feels lost
Submitted on Tuesday, December 23, 2008
By kristin, 38, from encinitas:
Will my boyfriend, after he finds job and is not so depressed, want me back? We are so good together and he broke up cause he feels lost but says he misses me.
VictorM's advice:
I can't say if he will want you back, but I can tell you that for many men the loss of a job is devastating. It erodes their self-esteem and can bring out depression. You would think that in a time like this he'd want your support, but that's just not how most men behave. He'll want to be left alone to deal with the problem himself and not have deal with pity or empathy from anyone else. Any attempts on your part to help will most likely only backfire.
By kristin, 38, from encinitas:
Will my boyfriend, after he finds job and is not so depressed, want me back? We are so good together and he broke up cause he feels lost but says he misses me.
VictorM's advice:
I can't say if he will want you back, but I can tell you that for many men the loss of a job is devastating. It erodes their self-esteem and can bring out depression. You would think that in a time like this he'd want your support, but that's just not how most men behave. He'll want to be left alone to deal with the problem himself and not have deal with pity or empathy from anyone else. Any attempts on your part to help will most likely only backfire.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tired of calls and texting me
Submitted on Tuesday, December 23, 2008
By Destiny ogonodi, 23, from Lagos:
My girl friend said that she is tired of calls and texting me, what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Smash her phone with a sledgehammer.
No. Don't.
Seriously, I think you need to be a little more specific about your situation. Write back with more details.
By Destiny ogonodi, 23, from Lagos:
My girl friend said that she is tired of calls and texting me, what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Smash her phone with a sledgehammer.
No. Don't.
Seriously, I think you need to be a little more specific about your situation. Write back with more details.
He called out of the blue and just broke things off
Submitted on Monday, December 22, 2008
By amanda, 24, from kansas:
He called out of the blue and just broke things off, then emailed me this the next day ( on his 26th bday) we've been together 3 years come Jan.---what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
He wants to be heard and he wants respect.
That you don't know what he wants kinda makes his point, I think.
By amanda, 24, from kansas:
He called out of the blue and just broke things off, then emailed me this the next day ( on his 26th bday) we've been together 3 years come Jan.---what does this mean?
Since you won't answer the phone I will just simply explain myself on here. If I don't hear from you, then thats the way things will be. I am honestly not happy with the way things have been going. There's alot of things that NEED to be changed. I am 26 now and I would like to start thinking about getting married and settling down with someone...how are we supposed to do that? I want to feel 100% comfortable with someone...I would like to be with someone who I know I can talk to no matter what and have her talk back to me without any problems. I can't even participate in ANYTHING your family does nor will I ever be able to...how does that not bug the living shit out of you? You joke about things your mom says when it really hurts me. It's like I'm fighting a losing battle here and no matter what I do, I lose. I feel no matter what I do it will never be good enough for you or your family. I honestly don't have the answer but I'm being 100000% honest with you here. I want to feel secure and have a future...with things the way they have been...its the same repetition and its getting us both no where. This is just a small portion of things that have been bothering me, Amy. If I don't hear from you, then I can't say I don't understand...I don't know what he wants from me
I'm hurt and I'd like to say this will definately go somewhere. But how can I say that with everything the way they are? I will let it up to you whether to reply or not...I'm not telling you what to do. I'm simply trying to let you see the hurt I have inside me and it gets worse and worse everyday.
VictorM's advice:
He wants to be heard and he wants respect.
That you don't know what he wants kinda makes his point, I think.
I told him it couldn't work
Submitted on Monday, December 22, 2008
By Bianca, 27, from Far away:
Hello,
Ok, a couple of years ago i met this guy while me and my girlfriend were going out. We exchanged numbers, thought he was cute. I would say he was pretty aggressive when we first started talking and then i wasn't interested anymore and i guess (from what he says) I told him it couldn't work. So 2 yrs later, about two months ago, i run into him again and we exchange numbers (my # changed) and we start chatting again. I still wasn't that interested until about a month ago. Now i'm crazy about him!
The problem is he is cool when we hang out but I don’t hear from him in between the times. I told him how I felt and he said he will make a better effort and he has a little but its still weird. The crazy thing is the last time we chilled one on one was 2 weeks ago and I stayed at his house for 2 days straight (We didn’t have sex yet). I thought we would be closer since then but were not. I'm not sure if he really likes me. FYI: He told me “The thing is when I was aggressive, that ended with you telling me don’t call you. (from the first time)”
P.S. he called me the other day and I missed the call. I called him back about 40 minutes later and he didn’t answer and didn’t call back! What is that about?? I havent chilled with him in 2 weeks…I don’t think he likes me anymore!
VictorM's advice:
You wounded his ego a couple of years ago. And when a guy's ego gets wounded, the best way to heal it is by hurting the source of that wound. In this case, you. On top of this basic male trait, you went and confessed your interest him him. That was the perfect tool to accomplish his goal. It gave him control over you and he's exercising his need to hurt you for what you did 2 years ago.
This has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. There's even a good chance he likes you too, but getting over that wounded ego is not easy for most guys.
So, what do you do? Take a fit! Go nuts. Cry. Fake it if you have to, but claim that he's hurt your feelings and you're so distraught, so unhappy. Don't act mad at him; just act hurt. Do that so he can claim victory, his ego will be all patched up, and you can live happily ever after... or until you crush him again. :-p
By Bianca, 27, from Far away:
Hello,
Ok, a couple of years ago i met this guy while me and my girlfriend were going out. We exchanged numbers, thought he was cute. I would say he was pretty aggressive when we first started talking and then i wasn't interested anymore and i guess (from what he says) I told him it couldn't work. So 2 yrs later, about two months ago, i run into him again and we exchange numbers (my # changed) and we start chatting again. I still wasn't that interested until about a month ago. Now i'm crazy about him!
The problem is he is cool when we hang out but I don’t hear from him in between the times. I told him how I felt and he said he will make a better effort and he has a little but its still weird. The crazy thing is the last time we chilled one on one was 2 weeks ago and I stayed at his house for 2 days straight (We didn’t have sex yet). I thought we would be closer since then but were not. I'm not sure if he really likes me. FYI: He told me “The thing is when I was aggressive, that ended with you telling me don’t call you. (from the first time)”
P.S. he called me the other day and I missed the call. I called him back about 40 minutes later and he didn’t answer and didn’t call back! What is that about?? I havent chilled with him in 2 weeks…I don’t think he likes me anymore!
VictorM's advice:
You wounded his ego a couple of years ago. And when a guy's ego gets wounded, the best way to heal it is by hurting the source of that wound. In this case, you. On top of this basic male trait, you went and confessed your interest him him. That was the perfect tool to accomplish his goal. It gave him control over you and he's exercising his need to hurt you for what you did 2 years ago.
This has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. There's even a good chance he likes you too, but getting over that wounded ego is not easy for most guys.
So, what do you do? Take a fit! Go nuts. Cry. Fake it if you have to, but claim that he's hurt your feelings and you're so distraught, so unhappy. Don't act mad at him; just act hurt. Do that so he can claim victory, his ego will be all patched up, and you can live happily ever after... or until you crush him again. :-p
He asked me if I was interested in casual sex
Submitted on Sunday, December 21, 2008
By Mary, 23, from United States:
I have a guy friend, whom I have known for many years. Recently, as four months ago, we started hanging out again. after a month he asked me if I was interested in casual sex. I deliberated it for two weeks then I agreed to it. We then started messing around for two weeks. Then we finally slept together. after we had slept together he told me that he was afraid because we were starting to become extremely close, and that he didn't want to hurt that friendship, and we should stop, which at the time i was OK with.
What confuses me is, even after we had decided to stop, two weeks later we did it again. That was two weeks ago, and in the month and a half that we have become really close, we've started to talk all day long through text messages.
When I get off work he asks me to come over and hang out. This past week I have slept in his spare bedroom every night but one. Even as I write this, he sent me a message telling me to sleep well and that I should come over tomorrow night for TV night.
Now I understand that he could really just enjoy my company as I enjoy his, but in a way we act like a couple. We talk all day, hang out every night, make dinner together, clean house together, he even goes clothes shopping with me. AND he asked me to move in with him soon.
I dont know if he is just scared because four months ago he had to leave his fiance as she was cheating on him and he doesn't want to get into another relationship and we've only become this close because we're both lonely and we like to just have someone there.
I don't know what his deal is but it confuses the crap out of me. I'm not opposed to dating him, but I would like to know if I am just being strung along here. Or if i've just turned a friendship that was once just an acquaintance, into one of the closest I've ever had. either way, I am thankful for him, but just need some clarity on what is going on in his mind.
VictorM's advice:
He enjoys your company, your attention, the sex, and he's not in a committed relationship, with all the responsibilities that implies. What's there to be confused about? He's gotten things exactly as he likes them. He's a happy camper.
Is he stringing you along? Hell no. He was very clear he didn't want a relationship. You stay at his house, clean together, have sex, etc of your own free will and with no promises of any kind from his side.
Could he be developing feelings for you? Could you be just a rebound "relationship," one that helps him get over the ex and his loneliness? Is he just going with the flow, enjoying you while it lasts? All of these, and more, are all possible, but it's your decision to go along, wherever it might lead. You can checkout anytime you like.
By Mary, 23, from United States:
I have a guy friend, whom I have known for many years. Recently, as four months ago, we started hanging out again. after a month he asked me if I was interested in casual sex. I deliberated it for two weeks then I agreed to it. We then started messing around for two weeks. Then we finally slept together. after we had slept together he told me that he was afraid because we were starting to become extremely close, and that he didn't want to hurt that friendship, and we should stop, which at the time i was OK with.
What confuses me is, even after we had decided to stop, two weeks later we did it again. That was two weeks ago, and in the month and a half that we have become really close, we've started to talk all day long through text messages.
When I get off work he asks me to come over and hang out. This past week I have slept in his spare bedroom every night but one. Even as I write this, he sent me a message telling me to sleep well and that I should come over tomorrow night for TV night.
Now I understand that he could really just enjoy my company as I enjoy his, but in a way we act like a couple. We talk all day, hang out every night, make dinner together, clean house together, he even goes clothes shopping with me. AND he asked me to move in with him soon.
I dont know if he is just scared because four months ago he had to leave his fiance as she was cheating on him and he doesn't want to get into another relationship and we've only become this close because we're both lonely and we like to just have someone there.
I don't know what his deal is but it confuses the crap out of me. I'm not opposed to dating him, but I would like to know if I am just being strung along here. Or if i've just turned a friendship that was once just an acquaintance, into one of the closest I've ever had. either way, I am thankful for him, but just need some clarity on what is going on in his mind.
VictorM's advice:
He enjoys your company, your attention, the sex, and he's not in a committed relationship, with all the responsibilities that implies. What's there to be confused about? He's gotten things exactly as he likes them. He's a happy camper.
Is he stringing you along? Hell no. He was very clear he didn't want a relationship. You stay at his house, clean together, have sex, etc of your own free will and with no promises of any kind from his side.
Could he be developing feelings for you? Could you be just a rebound "relationship," one that helps him get over the ex and his loneliness? Is he just going with the flow, enjoying you while it lasts? All of these, and more, are all possible, but it's your decision to go along, wherever it might lead. You can checkout anytime you like.
22 times
Submitted on Sunday, December 21, 2008
By Brittany, 14, from Forks:
Okay so I have gone out with this boy like 22 times. I'm not even joking seriously 22 times. So I'm going out with him now and I don't know what to do because we really like each other the first and second day we are going out then we break up. We stay friends though and flirt. Even if we don't mean to, we flirt a lot! So I don't like him as much as I did when we were just friends. I want to break up with him but this time I think he is serious, he is in love with me. What should I do???
VictorM's advice:
Well, doesn't sound like you have a problem breaking up with the kid. 22 times at your age may be a world record. Go for one more and do it again.
So he's in love with a girl who doesn't like him. Oh well, such is life. You breaking things up will be good for him -- it'll prepare him for later on in life when it's very likely to happen a few times.
The question is: are you going to be able to stay away from flirting with the poor kid? Probably not.
By Brittany, 14, from Forks:
Okay so I have gone out with this boy like 22 times. I'm not even joking seriously 22 times. So I'm going out with him now and I don't know what to do because we really like each other the first and second day we are going out then we break up. We stay friends though and flirt. Even if we don't mean to, we flirt a lot! So I don't like him as much as I did when we were just friends. I want to break up with him but this time I think he is serious, he is in love with me. What should I do???
VictorM's advice:
Well, doesn't sound like you have a problem breaking up with the kid. 22 times at your age may be a world record. Go for one more and do it again.
So he's in love with a girl who doesn't like him. Oh well, such is life. You breaking things up will be good for him -- it'll prepare him for later on in life when it's very likely to happen a few times.
The question is: are you going to be able to stay away from flirting with the poor kid? Probably not.
Monday, December 22, 2008
He won't return my texts
Submitted on Sunday, December 21, 2008
By Sharon, 32, from New Hampshire:
I started hanging back out with this guy that I dated about two years ago again. We have kept in touch off and on the last two years and got together for lunches etc. Well in the last month I broke up with a boyfriend and this other guy and I have started hanging out more. We have hooked up a few times since we have been hanging out. Here is the deal he only calls or text me when he wants to. He won't return my texts. Does he really want to be friends with me or does he have a problem drawing the line between friendship and something more?
VictorM's advice:
Unless he specifically told you that he only answers you when he wants to, you're jumping to a negative conclusion that shows a lack of understanding. Maybe he answers you when he can, or when he has something to reply to. Maybe he pays extra for text messages.
Guys aren't generally into the silly, small talking, annoyance of mindless textings throughout the day. Plus, guys are very much focused on one thing at a time. If they are at work, they are at work. Guys can't multitask easily, and as simple as replying to a text sounds to you, to a guy, it needs to be on his mind, and often that doesn't happen if he has something else going on.
Most guys don't place much importance on text answering unless it's communicating something practical and useful. Your guy is certainly not unique.
By Sharon, 32, from New Hampshire:
I started hanging back out with this guy that I dated about two years ago again. We have kept in touch off and on the last two years and got together for lunches etc. Well in the last month I broke up with a boyfriend and this other guy and I have started hanging out more. We have hooked up a few times since we have been hanging out. Here is the deal he only calls or text me when he wants to. He won't return my texts. Does he really want to be friends with me or does he have a problem drawing the line between friendship and something more?
VictorM's advice:
Unless he specifically told you that he only answers you when he wants to, you're jumping to a negative conclusion that shows a lack of understanding. Maybe he answers you when he can, or when he has something to reply to. Maybe he pays extra for text messages.
Guys aren't generally into the silly, small talking, annoyance of mindless textings throughout the day. Plus, guys are very much focused on one thing at a time. If they are at work, they are at work. Guys can't multitask easily, and as simple as replying to a text sounds to you, to a guy, it needs to be on his mind, and often that doesn't happen if he has something else going on.
Most guys don't place much importance on text answering unless it's communicating something practical and useful. Your guy is certainly not unique.
I’m so sick of dealing with some guys
Submitted on Sunday, December 21, 2008
By Jess, 19, from San Diego:
Hey Victor, I’m so sick of dealing with some guys and I just want to give up. I met this guy a long time ago through work and recently saw him while out shopping. As I wasn’t sure it was him I didn’t say hello and that was that. Being the way I am I couldn’t stop thinking about him and so I told a friend about it who used to work with him. She then told me that she doesn’t keep in touch with him but has him on her Facebook (ok, don’t judge me I love Facebook) and maybe I should add him (as I had no other way to see him again). So I did and I even told him I thought he was gorgeous (kill me now…but I just had to be direct with this guy). The next day he accepts my friend request, messages my friend out of the blue and then messages me asking where exactly we met. I’m of course shocked at this but I go along with it. A few days later I reply and end my message with a question so as to keep talking. He replies back with a longer message and ends his message asking about my weekend plans. Since he sent that on a Friday night I didn’t take it to mean that he wanted to hang out or anything, I just thought he was making conversation. The weekend went by and I replied to him, told him about my weekend and asked what he got up to. Then I told him I didn’t know what to do the following weekend and asked what his plans were. He gets back to me with a long message about what he got up to, joking around, etc and ends his message saying that since he just got his car back from the repairer he could do anything this weekend but has no idea what to do. He ends the message with a question like ‘what to do...?’ So obviously I analyze this to death and decide he wants to hang out or meet up but isn’t sure how to ask seeing that we don’t know each other that well, and so he’s leaving it up to me to suggest something. So I reply to him and tease him about the fact that he could do anything but has no idea what to do, and then I tell him that he could take me out – in a joking way of course, and that if he’s up for it to let me know (insert my cell no. here). Guess what? I never heard from him. He’s been online as he’s been chatting to other people so I know he got my message.
So did he:
Play me the whole time, seeing how far he could take this? I figure he knew I was attracted to him and he used that to have a bit of a laugh and to see if he’s ‘got it’?
Or
He was somewhat interested but I came on too strong in suggesting we meet up? (although I don’t get why he was hinting at weekends and having no plans if he didn’t want to meet up).
What do you think? His comment about having no idea what to do really threw me off. I saw it as a hint for me to suggest we hang out and when I did he just ignores me.
VictorM's advice:
Oh come on, you're not going to give up on guys just because of this, are you? Nah, didn't think so.
Some guys love the journey, often much more than the destination. The little flirting, the hints, the seduction, saying something that totally charms you. Guys like a challenge and they like to extend it for a while. It feeds a guy's ego to take a girl who wasn't thinking of going out with him and making her want to.
So... yeah, you became way too easy. Not challenging at all. It's not like he's given up on you. He has your phone number and might use it on a rainy day, but I'm betting he's seeking girls who aren't particularly interested in him getting his car back so he can seduce them.
Further, since he wasn't the one chasing you, no matter what he thinks of you, he's always hoping he can bag one girl that does you one better.
One piece of advice: if you're going to take the initiative, be firm, be direct, be decisive. "OK, cool, let's meet Saturday at 7:00 at Tony's Pizza on Main st. See you there." And end the contact. If you leave it up to a guy who sounded uncertain to think of a place... man, that's just work!
By Jess, 19, from San Diego:
Hey Victor, I’m so sick of dealing with some guys and I just want to give up. I met this guy a long time ago through work and recently saw him while out shopping. As I wasn’t sure it was him I didn’t say hello and that was that. Being the way I am I couldn’t stop thinking about him and so I told a friend about it who used to work with him. She then told me that she doesn’t keep in touch with him but has him on her Facebook (ok, don’t judge me I love Facebook) and maybe I should add him (as I had no other way to see him again). So I did and I even told him I thought he was gorgeous (kill me now…but I just had to be direct with this guy). The next day he accepts my friend request, messages my friend out of the blue and then messages me asking where exactly we met. I’m of course shocked at this but I go along with it. A few days later I reply and end my message with a question so as to keep talking. He replies back with a longer message and ends his message asking about my weekend plans. Since he sent that on a Friday night I didn’t take it to mean that he wanted to hang out or anything, I just thought he was making conversation. The weekend went by and I replied to him, told him about my weekend and asked what he got up to. Then I told him I didn’t know what to do the following weekend and asked what his plans were. He gets back to me with a long message about what he got up to, joking around, etc and ends his message saying that since he just got his car back from the repairer he could do anything this weekend but has no idea what to do. He ends the message with a question like ‘what to do...?’ So obviously I analyze this to death and decide he wants to hang out or meet up but isn’t sure how to ask seeing that we don’t know each other that well, and so he’s leaving it up to me to suggest something. So I reply to him and tease him about the fact that he could do anything but has no idea what to do, and then I tell him that he could take me out – in a joking way of course, and that if he’s up for it to let me know (insert my cell no. here). Guess what? I never heard from him. He’s been online as he’s been chatting to other people so I know he got my message.
So did he:
Play me the whole time, seeing how far he could take this? I figure he knew I was attracted to him and he used that to have a bit of a laugh and to see if he’s ‘got it’?
Or
He was somewhat interested but I came on too strong in suggesting we meet up? (although I don’t get why he was hinting at weekends and having no plans if he didn’t want to meet up).
What do you think? His comment about having no idea what to do really threw me off. I saw it as a hint for me to suggest we hang out and when I did he just ignores me.
VictorM's advice:
Oh come on, you're not going to give up on guys just because of this, are you? Nah, didn't think so.
Some guys love the journey, often much more than the destination. The little flirting, the hints, the seduction, saying something that totally charms you. Guys like a challenge and they like to extend it for a while. It feeds a guy's ego to take a girl who wasn't thinking of going out with him and making her want to.
So... yeah, you became way too easy. Not challenging at all. It's not like he's given up on you. He has your phone number and might use it on a rainy day, but I'm betting he's seeking girls who aren't particularly interested in him getting his car back so he can seduce them.
Further, since he wasn't the one chasing you, no matter what he thinks of you, he's always hoping he can bag one girl that does you one better.
One piece of advice: if you're going to take the initiative, be firm, be direct, be decisive. "OK, cool, let's meet Saturday at 7:00 at Tony's Pizza on Main st. See you there." And end the contact. If you leave it up to a guy who sounded uncertain to think of a place... man, that's just work!
I needed to be able to walk away cold turkey
Submitted on Sunday, December 21, 2008
By Destiny, 33, from Kansas:
I met this guy a few months ago, and he started pursuing me. He was just coming out of a 3 year serious relationship and was coming on really strong. He showered me with expensive gifts and called/dropped by all frequently. I eventually fell pretty hard for him.
Throughout this time frame, we didn't sleep together. The chemistry was pretty intense by the time we finally fell into bed together. After the first time, I noticed a difference in his personality almost instantly. Pet names disappeared, he didn't call as often, etc. We were together a couple times after that but basically it was done.
The only thing he ever told me was that it was moving to quickly and he wanted to be 'friends' That didn't go over to well with me, and I told him that he was the one who set the pace to our relationship and encouraged my feelings and it wasn't fair to ask me to pull them back now.
He said that his breakup was harder then he thought it was going to be and he just needed to deal with it. I needed to be able to walk away cold turkey. Problem is, we both work and live next door to each other, so I see him several times a day. It's killed me. Time has went on and somehow along the way we have developed a booty call type of friendship. It is amazing sex don't get me wrong, but I want so much more.
He has made it very clear that he just isn't interested in me like he used to be. My question is this... Is it possible to get back a fraction of what we had, or do I just need to get over him and move on.
VictorM's advice:
He's over you. Period. And you have made things worse, in terms of it ever meaning anything in the future, by becoming his booty call girl.
You probably were hoping that with more intimate time the guy would fall for you, but frankly, that's a serious misjudgment of how guys think.
By Destiny, 33, from Kansas:
I met this guy a few months ago, and he started pursuing me. He was just coming out of a 3 year serious relationship and was coming on really strong. He showered me with expensive gifts and called/dropped by all frequently. I eventually fell pretty hard for him.
Throughout this time frame, we didn't sleep together. The chemistry was pretty intense by the time we finally fell into bed together. After the first time, I noticed a difference in his personality almost instantly. Pet names disappeared, he didn't call as often, etc. We were together a couple times after that but basically it was done.
The only thing he ever told me was that it was moving to quickly and he wanted to be 'friends' That didn't go over to well with me, and I told him that he was the one who set the pace to our relationship and encouraged my feelings and it wasn't fair to ask me to pull them back now.
He said that his breakup was harder then he thought it was going to be and he just needed to deal with it. I needed to be able to walk away cold turkey. Problem is, we both work and live next door to each other, so I see him several times a day. It's killed me. Time has went on and somehow along the way we have developed a booty call type of friendship. It is amazing sex don't get me wrong, but I want so much more.
He has made it very clear that he just isn't interested in me like he used to be. My question is this... Is it possible to get back a fraction of what we had, or do I just need to get over him and move on.
VictorM's advice:
He's over you. Period. And you have made things worse, in terms of it ever meaning anything in the future, by becoming his booty call girl.
You probably were hoping that with more intimate time the guy would fall for you, but frankly, that's a serious misjudgment of how guys think.
'I hate you!'
Submitted on Saturday, December 20, 2008
By K, 14:
hey victorm!
so there's this guy that i've started to like, and i'm not sure if he likes me back. we have a few classes together but we only became friendly 2 weeks ago. we started saying hey to each other in the halls, and he walks with me to class occasionally. we talk pretty often, and flirt a lot. one time when i came into class after lunch, i said 'hey i haven't seen you all day' and he said, 'yes you have, you saw me at lunch. i saw you staring at me.' i was kind of confused since i hadn't been staring, and i was like, 'no i wasn't. and how would you be able to tell if i was staring at you unless YOU were staring at ME?' and then he didn't really say anything. and he also says things like, 'I hate you!' playfully and then i'm like, 'i hate you too!' and we'll smile at each other. i want to go from friends to more-than-friends. does he like me? how to i move past where we are?
VictorM's advice:
Well, I don't think you need any help from me; you seem to be doing just fine on your own. Just keep it up.
Just keep in mind that boys around your age may not be ready yet for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet. And some think they are ready but are scared to try it. So go easy on the boy. And many have crushes on more than one girl at a time so they may not want to ruin their little fantasy world by having just one girlfriend in the real world.
What you need to do now is find a way to get together with him alone and away from school. That will expand your "friendship" and take a further step into something more. Try asking him if he wants to come and see a movie at your house, or go to a movie, or meet at the mall... pick a place/activity that you know he likes and ask very matter-of-fact, like it's no big deal, not like it's a step away from marriage.
By K, 14:
hey victorm!
so there's this guy that i've started to like, and i'm not sure if he likes me back. we have a few classes together but we only became friendly 2 weeks ago. we started saying hey to each other in the halls, and he walks with me to class occasionally. we talk pretty often, and flirt a lot. one time when i came into class after lunch, i said 'hey i haven't seen you all day' and he said, 'yes you have, you saw me at lunch. i saw you staring at me.' i was kind of confused since i hadn't been staring, and i was like, 'no i wasn't. and how would you be able to tell if i was staring at you unless YOU were staring at ME?' and then he didn't really say anything. and he also says things like, 'I hate you!' playfully and then i'm like, 'i hate you too!' and we'll smile at each other. i want to go from friends to more-than-friends. does he like me? how to i move past where we are?
VictorM's advice:
Well, I don't think you need any help from me; you seem to be doing just fine on your own. Just keep it up.
Just keep in mind that boys around your age may not be ready yet for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet. And some think they are ready but are scared to try it. So go easy on the boy. And many have crushes on more than one girl at a time so they may not want to ruin their little fantasy world by having just one girlfriend in the real world.
What you need to do now is find a way to get together with him alone and away from school. That will expand your "friendship" and take a further step into something more. Try asking him if he wants to come and see a movie at your house, or go to a movie, or meet at the mall... pick a place/activity that you know he likes and ask very matter-of-fact, like it's no big deal, not like it's a step away from marriage.
I told my ex that I missed him
Submitted on Saturday, December 20, 2008
By jasmine, 20, from detroit:
I was on facebook and I told my ex that I missed him and I sent a message to another girl cause he was telling me about his problems about girls. So I told him I'd be his girlfriend on facebook. I called him "gumdrops" and he called me "care bear" but I already have a boyfriend and a couple of months went past and my ex has a girlfriend and i guess he gave her his password to her and she read what it said and send it to my boyfriend. My boyfriend got it and was so pissed and mad. Now I don't know what to do. Me and my boyfriend are still together and having problems so I need help really bad. I really love him, I mean, I am deeply in love with him and he told me that he was going to marry me on new years, so please please help me and save my relationship so I can fix this problem please!!!!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
You can't undo a dumb move. All you can do is explain that you were joking/being nice, and that's all. But you need to stop acting all guilty and apologetic about it. Admit that it was dumb, say you're sorry, and move on. If he keeps bringing it up, tell him "I've already explained it was dumb. I only love you and I don't want to pay forever for a silly, dumb mistake." And then change the subject.
If he continues to make a big deal of it, just end any conversation. Ultimately, if he doesn't let it go, it really tells you a lot about what kind of immature twit you were about to marry and be thankfully you found out he's a nagging, insecure jerk in time. If you put up with crap, that's what you'll continue to get.
So whatever you do, stop apologizing and stop accepting him using it against you. A firm behavior on your part that signals the whole text thing was insignificant will go a lot further to ease his mind than you constantly being on the defensive about it.
By jasmine, 20, from detroit:
I was on facebook and I told my ex that I missed him and I sent a message to another girl cause he was telling me about his problems about girls. So I told him I'd be his girlfriend on facebook. I called him "gumdrops" and he called me "care bear" but I already have a boyfriend and a couple of months went past and my ex has a girlfriend and i guess he gave her his password to her and she read what it said and send it to my boyfriend. My boyfriend got it and was so pissed and mad. Now I don't know what to do. Me and my boyfriend are still together and having problems so I need help really bad. I really love him, I mean, I am deeply in love with him and he told me that he was going to marry me on new years, so please please help me and save my relationship so I can fix this problem please!!!!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
You can't undo a dumb move. All you can do is explain that you were joking/being nice, and that's all. But you need to stop acting all guilty and apologetic about it. Admit that it was dumb, say you're sorry, and move on. If he keeps bringing it up, tell him "I've already explained it was dumb. I only love you and I don't want to pay forever for a silly, dumb mistake." And then change the subject.
If he continues to make a big deal of it, just end any conversation. Ultimately, if he doesn't let it go, it really tells you a lot about what kind of immature twit you were about to marry and be thankfully you found out he's a nagging, insecure jerk in time. If you put up with crap, that's what you'll continue to get.
So whatever you do, stop apologizing and stop accepting him using it against you. A firm behavior on your part that signals the whole text thing was insignificant will go a lot further to ease his mind than you constantly being on the defensive about it.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
He told me if I was lucky I would get his story
Submitted on Saturday, December 20, 2008
By Trish, 22, from Miami:
I met this guy that is 35. I have known him for a few months, and we started hanging out recently. I slept over his house once, and we just kissed and had a little fun. I tried to get some info about his life...but he wouldn't open up at all, and told me if I was lucky I would get his story. We text to each other frequently throughout the week. The other night I went over his house, and we slept together. Sex was amazing! Every other word out of his mouth was a compliment to me..."you kiss so good" and "you have such a great body." After sex, we just cuddled for a bit...he said to me "you like to kiss a lot huh?" I said yes a little harshly, and then he said "I really like that." He then opened up about his life a bit and talked about his family. And we talked about things we had in common.
Now here are my questions. Is 35 too old for me? I feel completely comfortable with him...but his age sometimes crosses my mind.
Also, I don't have a problem with this just being about sex. He seems like a great guy...I could fall for him...but at this point it doesn't matter to me either way. However, my question is this...how do I ensure another little rendezvous? (because I definitely want to keep having sex with him). And if I happen to start to fall for him, how do I stimulate a possible relationship? Do you think his opening up to me a little is a start? I just don't know where I want this to end up at this point...but I want to keep all the possibilities open.
I need a little advice.
VictorM's advice:
The age difference is not a big deal. You're over 21 and 13 years apart sounds a bit much now, but in a few years it will matter a lot less. For now, you may feel uncomfortable around his circle of friends, or him around yours, but if you can work through that, it just gets easier as time goes on.
If he also feels that the sex was fantastic, you'll have no problem getting another rendezvous. If he doesn't seek you out, then either the sex wasn't that great for him or he's not interested in getting any closer to you. So use his desire to see you again as a gauge of how interested he is.
He seems to be paying you more attention that just for sex, particularly the talking about himself. Just keep in mind that guys take much longer than girls to jump into a relationship. He's most likely to continue seeing you on an informal basis as he gets to know you better.
By Trish, 22, from Miami:
I met this guy that is 35. I have known him for a few months, and we started hanging out recently. I slept over his house once, and we just kissed and had a little fun. I tried to get some info about his life...but he wouldn't open up at all, and told me if I was lucky I would get his story. We text to each other frequently throughout the week. The other night I went over his house, and we slept together. Sex was amazing! Every other word out of his mouth was a compliment to me..."you kiss so good" and "you have such a great body." After sex, we just cuddled for a bit...he said to me "you like to kiss a lot huh?" I said yes a little harshly, and then he said "I really like that." He then opened up about his life a bit and talked about his family. And we talked about things we had in common.
Now here are my questions. Is 35 too old for me? I feel completely comfortable with him...but his age sometimes crosses my mind.
Also, I don't have a problem with this just being about sex. He seems like a great guy...I could fall for him...but at this point it doesn't matter to me either way. However, my question is this...how do I ensure another little rendezvous? (because I definitely want to keep having sex with him). And if I happen to start to fall for him, how do I stimulate a possible relationship? Do you think his opening up to me a little is a start? I just don't know where I want this to end up at this point...but I want to keep all the possibilities open.
I need a little advice.
VictorM's advice:
The age difference is not a big deal. You're over 21 and 13 years apart sounds a bit much now, but in a few years it will matter a lot less. For now, you may feel uncomfortable around his circle of friends, or him around yours, but if you can work through that, it just gets easier as time goes on.
If he also feels that the sex was fantastic, you'll have no problem getting another rendezvous. If he doesn't seek you out, then either the sex wasn't that great for him or he's not interested in getting any closer to you. So use his desire to see you again as a gauge of how interested he is.
He seems to be paying you more attention that just for sex, particularly the talking about himself. Just keep in mind that guys take much longer than girls to jump into a relationship. He's most likely to continue seeing you on an informal basis as he gets to know you better.
All I got was a huge smile
Submitted on Saturday, December 20, 2008
By Laura, 23, from america:
I have a crush on someone who has been my close friend for years. I saw him a year and a half ago and he we talked about our past. He popped up with the question about me still having this photo of us kissing even though he is married. It caught me off guard and was wondering why he asked me that out of the blue. I did ask him if he liked my kissing and all I got was a huge smile with no verbal answer. He hugs me like I was his girl and his family likes me as well. What is all of this telling me? I'm confused?
VictorM's advice:
That he thinks of kissing you as a memory worth smiling about but not worth talking about, and that he's affectionate with someone he was close to, tells me nothing at all. And since he's married, it should tell you to stop thinking about it.
There's nothing to be confused about. Guys like bringing up these things because it makes them feel good about themselves.
By Laura, 23, from america:
I have a crush on someone who has been my close friend for years. I saw him a year and a half ago and he we talked about our past. He popped up with the question about me still having this photo of us kissing even though he is married. It caught me off guard and was wondering why he asked me that out of the blue. I did ask him if he liked my kissing and all I got was a huge smile with no verbal answer. He hugs me like I was his girl and his family likes me as well. What is all of this telling me? I'm confused?
VictorM's advice:
That he thinks of kissing you as a memory worth smiling about but not worth talking about, and that he's affectionate with someone he was close to, tells me nothing at all. And since he's married, it should tell you to stop thinking about it.
There's nothing to be confused about. Guys like bringing up these things because it makes them feel good about themselves.
I wish he'd try to rip my cloths off already
Submitted on Saturday, December 20, 2008
By Lisa, 39, from Atlanta:
Hi, Victor. For about 10 weeks I've been going on weekly dates with a guy I met through a mutual friend. We have a lot in common and always laugh a lot when we're together - truly, I have a fantastic time with him. The night always ends with a lot of smooching (but not much more). And each time, I can't wait to see him again.
I have feelings for him, but haven't flown the "emotional flag" (i.e. -- where is this going?) He calls me once a week to ask me out (and I always say yes) and sometimes we exchange short, random texts or emails.
To me, things are moving very, very slow. So slow that I wonder whether he's all that interested. But he keeps calling like clockwork and asking me out on his own volition. He's been divorced for almost 3 years, and I've been divorced for about 8 months. So, I guess we're both proceeding with caution, and I recognize the great value in that but sheesh!!!! I wish he'd try to rip my cloths off already or spend the night.
The one time we came close to the danger zone, he pulled away and said sex complicates things and that he really wants to do things different and take it slow. (That was 5 dates ago). Then last week, things got really intense again. Last night (a Friday night), we simply smooched for a while. I'd hoped we'd get a little closer and he would stay over (but didn't dare suggest that again since I got shot down while practically naked on date 5) and can't help but feel very vulnerable and a little rejected this morning.
We are both seeing other people -- and I have gone out with some really great guys during this time -- but for me, he's the clear front runner. Victor, am I just wasting my time here and fooling myself about this "slow and steady wins the race" approach? I mean, he hasn't asked me out for new year's eve, isn't that a little telling?
VictorM's advice:
To you he's the front runner. Have you considered that you may not be his front runner?
In any case, I'd say he's proceeding just about at the right pace for a smart guy. Females latch on to a guy they like and then work to mold them to their liking (which explains the lifetime of nagging :-p); guys prefer to stay unattached during the courtship period and to get to know as much about the female as possible before deciding if it's worth giving up their freedom.
In his mind, sex equals commitment. So yeah, things are going slower than you'd like but at least you know that he's not into it just for the sex; he's really trying to get to know you without the pressure of being committed. And 10 weeks is nothing.
Get the rabbit. :)
By Lisa, 39, from Atlanta:
Hi, Victor. For about 10 weeks I've been going on weekly dates with a guy I met through a mutual friend. We have a lot in common and always laugh a lot when we're together - truly, I have a fantastic time with him. The night always ends with a lot of smooching (but not much more). And each time, I can't wait to see him again.
I have feelings for him, but haven't flown the "emotional flag" (i.e. -- where is this going?) He calls me once a week to ask me out (and I always say yes) and sometimes we exchange short, random texts or emails.
To me, things are moving very, very slow. So slow that I wonder whether he's all that interested. But he keeps calling like clockwork and asking me out on his own volition. He's been divorced for almost 3 years, and I've been divorced for about 8 months. So, I guess we're both proceeding with caution, and I recognize the great value in that but sheesh!!!! I wish he'd try to rip my cloths off already or spend the night.
The one time we came close to the danger zone, he pulled away and said sex complicates things and that he really wants to do things different and take it slow. (That was 5 dates ago). Then last week, things got really intense again. Last night (a Friday night), we simply smooched for a while. I'd hoped we'd get a little closer and he would stay over (but didn't dare suggest that again since I got shot down while practically naked on date 5) and can't help but feel very vulnerable and a little rejected this morning.
We are both seeing other people -- and I have gone out with some really great guys during this time -- but for me, he's the clear front runner. Victor, am I just wasting my time here and fooling myself about this "slow and steady wins the race" approach? I mean, he hasn't asked me out for new year's eve, isn't that a little telling?
VictorM's advice:
To you he's the front runner. Have you considered that you may not be his front runner?
In any case, I'd say he's proceeding just about at the right pace for a smart guy. Females latch on to a guy they like and then work to mold them to their liking (which explains the lifetime of nagging :-p); guys prefer to stay unattached during the courtship period and to get to know as much about the female as possible before deciding if it's worth giving up their freedom.
In his mind, sex equals commitment. So yeah, things are going slower than you'd like but at least you know that he's not into it just for the sex; he's really trying to get to know you without the pressure of being committed. And 10 weeks is nothing.
Get the rabbit. :)
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I have a crush on this guy
Submitted on Saturday, December 20, 2008
By Mekkie, 14, from Hong Kong:
How do you know a guy likes you or not?
I have a crush on this guy but I don't know anything about him except his name! I want to get to know him more so I tried to get close to him and all of a sudden, whenever he sees me we always have this eye contact so I want to know why he's giving me those weird actions.
VictorM's advice:
Boys can get into and out of multiple crushes at the same time very easily, so it's not as easy to tell why he's doing it. But, maybe he likes you too.
Go beyond the eye contact. Smile at him directly and greet him by using his name. Using his name is very powerful. Go for it.
By Mekkie, 14, from Hong Kong:
How do you know a guy likes you or not?
I have a crush on this guy but I don't know anything about him except his name! I want to get to know him more so I tried to get close to him and all of a sudden, whenever he sees me we always have this eye contact so I want to know why he's giving me those weird actions.
VictorM's advice:
Boys can get into and out of multiple crushes at the same time very easily, so it's not as easy to tell why he's doing it. But, maybe he likes you too.
Go beyond the eye contact. Smile at him directly and greet him by using his name. Using his name is very powerful. Go for it.
He only wants sex when he has been drinking
Submitted on Friday, December 19, 2008
By Amber, 27, from PA:
My boyfriend says that he feels sexually aroused but usually can not get hard unless I put my mouth on him. I want sex at least once or twice a week and I'm lucky to get it once a week. He looks at porn, not constantly, but after a "botched" sexual attempt with me, or while I'm gone and then doesn't do anything with me unless he has been drinking... and only wants sex when he has been drinking...which is more than likely the cause of him not getting hard. I've told him this and he tells me that when he is drinking is when he wants it, he feels emotionally open then, and happy. I have tried to tell him he needs to find another way to feel happy but he won't listen. Also, when we do try to do something he says his only concern is getting me off. I'm not complaining here, but what's wrong with him getting off too???? What should I do!?
VictorM's advice:
If he needs to drink to feel happy and he won't listen when you tell him that that has to change, what you should do is dump him and find another boyfriend. Seriously, nothing else you wrote is even worth answering. If you don't see his drinking as THE problem that must be fixed, you're going to be a very unhappy woman and no words of wisdom will ever resonate with you.
By Amber, 27, from PA:
My boyfriend says that he feels sexually aroused but usually can not get hard unless I put my mouth on him. I want sex at least once or twice a week and I'm lucky to get it once a week. He looks at porn, not constantly, but after a "botched" sexual attempt with me, or while I'm gone and then doesn't do anything with me unless he has been drinking... and only wants sex when he has been drinking...which is more than likely the cause of him not getting hard. I've told him this and he tells me that when he is drinking is when he wants it, he feels emotionally open then, and happy. I have tried to tell him he needs to find another way to feel happy but he won't listen. Also, when we do try to do something he says his only concern is getting me off. I'm not complaining here, but what's wrong with him getting off too???? What should I do!?
VictorM's advice:
If he needs to drink to feel happy and he won't listen when you tell him that that has to change, what you should do is dump him and find another boyfriend. Seriously, nothing else you wrote is even worth answering. If you don't see his drinking as THE problem that must be fixed, you're going to be a very unhappy woman and no words of wisdom will ever resonate with you.
Message for Cherrie, from UVA
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
I have known this guy for about 7 years or so
Submitted on Friday, December 19, 2008
By Annoymous, 20, from Canada:
I have known this guy for about 7 years or so, I met him through my other best guy friend when I was in Grade 9. He's 18 but very mature. So my situation is, I liked him a long time ago when I met him, but I have a best girl friend, who seemed to really like him, and she was going through a rough time, so I suggested go for it. So they did, and they dated for 2 years before breaking up. They're both my best friends and I helped them both through a lot of tricky stuff in their relationship. When he was dating her, I told him I liked him, and asked if he liked me too. He continually replied "I don't know." Now they've been broken up for a year. My feelings have developed for him again, and he seems to be acting different around me as well. But I can't bring myself to ask him again. How can I tell if he likes me? I read cosmo all the time, and he's changed a lot the way he acts around me, but I don't think he'd ever say anything either. Plus his ex gf is still mine and his best friend. HELP.
VictorM's advice:
Stop reading Cosmo right now! That magazine will screw you up for life. :)
You're telling me you had the balls to tell him that you liked him when he had a girlfriend -- your best friend to boot -- and now that he's not attached you can't do it? See what I mean about Cosmo? Anyway, I think you can't because you think that his "I don't know" was a gentle way of saying "no," and that if you ask now that's what you're going to hear.
But you never know. You told him once before. Do it again. Not knowing how this might have turned out with haunt you far more than a rejection.
By Annoymous, 20, from Canada:
I have known this guy for about 7 years or so, I met him through my other best guy friend when I was in Grade 9. He's 18 but very mature. So my situation is, I liked him a long time ago when I met him, but I have a best girl friend, who seemed to really like him, and she was going through a rough time, so I suggested go for it. So they did, and they dated for 2 years before breaking up. They're both my best friends and I helped them both through a lot of tricky stuff in their relationship. When he was dating her, I told him I liked him, and asked if he liked me too. He continually replied "I don't know." Now they've been broken up for a year. My feelings have developed for him again, and he seems to be acting different around me as well. But I can't bring myself to ask him again. How can I tell if he likes me? I read cosmo all the time, and he's changed a lot the way he acts around me, but I don't think he'd ever say anything either. Plus his ex gf is still mine and his best friend. HELP.
VictorM's advice:
Stop reading Cosmo right now! That magazine will screw you up for life. :)
You're telling me you had the balls to tell him that you liked him when he had a girlfriend -- your best friend to boot -- and now that he's not attached you can't do it? See what I mean about Cosmo? Anyway, I think you can't because you think that his "I don't know" was a gentle way of saying "no," and that if you ask now that's what you're going to hear.
But you never know. You told him once before. Do it again. Not knowing how this might have turned out with haunt you far more than a rejection.
He called but didn't leave a message
By Brittany, 18, from D.C.:
Hey,
So, I went to a club in D.C. the other night and met this really attractive, nice guy. We ended up hanging out for about an hour and a half and kissed a few times. He kept telling me how pretty and fun I was, etc. He asked for my number and even said things like "Let's really hang out, we'll have fun" etc. So, I was expecting him to call the next day or a few days later since we had really hit it off. I was wrong. I woke up exactly a week later to a missed call. A number had called at around 5 in the morning. I called back the number from my private house phone and heard his message machine say his name. So I obviously knew it was him. I then realized my message machine didn't have my name so I thought maybe he thought I gave him a fake number or I don't know, something like that. So, I texted him saying, "Who is this?" hoping that would initiate a conversation. No answer. An hour after I sent the text I realized he might be at work so I called back so he would see my number. Hours passed as I waited by the phone for him to call. He didn't call back. I finally got so frustrated that I texted him saying, "Is this Jason from Kuru (the club)." It's been a day and he STILL hasn't answered. What the hell is going on!? I'm so confused, he called but didn't leave a message, hasn't called back and it's Saturday, a day we could potentially go out. I just need some advice as to whether I should just forget about him or I should call and leave a message or wait or anything else. Tell me what you think, I'd like to know the honest truth. Thanks!!
VictorM's advice:
First, just because you're waiting by the phone doesn't mean that he's sitting by one to call you. Who knows where he is, if he paid his phone bill, whatever. If he's going to call you, it won't be on your schedule, it will be on his.
Second, he called you a week later at 5 am? There's a good chance he was trying to find out who the heck that phone number belonged to. Don't you think that an attractive guy at a club finds many girls who are pretty and fun who are willing to give their numbers to a nice guy? For some guys, getting phone numbers is the game. I'm not saying that's the case here, but you should at least consider that you're one on a long list. Girls are after quality (even if they have to make it up in their heads) but guys are after quantity, specially at a club.
Third, I take your word that he's attractive, but what do you know about him being a nice guy? You met him for a little over an hour, were kissing for a bunch of the time, so what do you really know about him? That he's smooth, a good talker, pleasant? Heck, the worst creeps can put on a facade, a "club persona" and charm you to death. Again, I'm not saying that's the case but if you don't consider that possibility, you are being naive.
Get off your fantasy that you found mister nice guy (truly, you're mostly projecting your romantic side into this guy that you really don't know) and start accepting that when he said you were fun, he might have meant, for that night. The "let's get together" is boilerplate language every guy says after getting a girl's number, whether they intend to call or not.
Based on the events of that evening, the location of where it took place, the length of time before he called, the time of day of his call, leaving no message, and the silence since you called him back... well... the odds are stacked very high against you that you were more than just a one night conquest.
Chances are that if you impressed him the way he impressed you, he'd have called sooner. But if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, OK. You have called him and left a message. If you do anything other than wait, I doubt he'll be impressed. He'll probably think you're too desperate, too needy. So... hang loose, relax, make plans to go out with other friends, and don't be expecting to find prince charming at a club. It can happen, but generally only once upon a time...
Hey,
So, I went to a club in D.C. the other night and met this really attractive, nice guy. We ended up hanging out for about an hour and a half and kissed a few times. He kept telling me how pretty and fun I was, etc. He asked for my number and even said things like "Let's really hang out, we'll have fun" etc. So, I was expecting him to call the next day or a few days later since we had really hit it off. I was wrong. I woke up exactly a week later to a missed call. A number had called at around 5 in the morning. I called back the number from my private house phone and heard his message machine say his name. So I obviously knew it was him. I then realized my message machine didn't have my name so I thought maybe he thought I gave him a fake number or I don't know, something like that. So, I texted him saying, "Who is this?" hoping that would initiate a conversation. No answer. An hour after I sent the text I realized he might be at work so I called back so he would see my number. Hours passed as I waited by the phone for him to call. He didn't call back. I finally got so frustrated that I texted him saying, "Is this Jason from Kuru (the club)." It's been a day and he STILL hasn't answered. What the hell is going on!? I'm so confused, he called but didn't leave a message, hasn't called back and it's Saturday, a day we could potentially go out. I just need some advice as to whether I should just forget about him or I should call and leave a message or wait or anything else. Tell me what you think, I'd like to know the honest truth. Thanks!!
VictorM's advice:
First, just because you're waiting by the phone doesn't mean that he's sitting by one to call you. Who knows where he is, if he paid his phone bill, whatever. If he's going to call you, it won't be on your schedule, it will be on his.
Second, he called you a week later at 5 am? There's a good chance he was trying to find out who the heck that phone number belonged to. Don't you think that an attractive guy at a club finds many girls who are pretty and fun who are willing to give their numbers to a nice guy? For some guys, getting phone numbers is the game. I'm not saying that's the case here, but you should at least consider that you're one on a long list. Girls are after quality (even if they have to make it up in their heads) but guys are after quantity, specially at a club.
Third, I take your word that he's attractive, but what do you know about him being a nice guy? You met him for a little over an hour, were kissing for a bunch of the time, so what do you really know about him? That he's smooth, a good talker, pleasant? Heck, the worst creeps can put on a facade, a "club persona" and charm you to death. Again, I'm not saying that's the case but if you don't consider that possibility, you are being naive.
Get off your fantasy that you found mister nice guy (truly, you're mostly projecting your romantic side into this guy that you really don't know) and start accepting that when he said you were fun, he might have meant, for that night. The "let's get together" is boilerplate language every guy says after getting a girl's number, whether they intend to call or not.
Based on the events of that evening, the location of where it took place, the length of time before he called, the time of day of his call, leaving no message, and the silence since you called him back... well... the odds are stacked very high against you that you were more than just a one night conquest.
Chances are that if you impressed him the way he impressed you, he'd have called sooner. But if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, OK. You have called him and left a message. If you do anything other than wait, I doubt he'll be impressed. He'll probably think you're too desperate, too needy. So... hang loose, relax, make plans to go out with other friends, and don't be expecting to find prince charming at a club. It can happen, but generally only once upon a time...
In the spirit of Christmas I did not try to kill him
Submitted on Friday, December 19, 2008
By Carole, 48, from Montreal:
I wrote back in August about the guy who wanted to take me away for the weekend to 'celebrate what we had' only to dump me at the end of the weekend. I dumped him. Since then we've gotten together a couple of times - always at his initiative. Stupid, I know but hey, I never said I was Steven Hawking. Over a month ago he told me that he had started to communicate with an ex that he thought he was still in love with and felt that we should stop getting together. I told him fine and told him that it would be best for both of us if he just stopped getting in touch with me, as a friend or otherwise. He agreed. All was good until yesterday. We ran into each other Christmas shopping ... In the spirit of Christmas I did not try to kill him (haha)... we actually talked and had a quick bite to eat together. He helped me back to my place with all my packages and well, one thing led to another. All was fine ... no expectations. He showed up the next morning at my office with Christmas presents for me, stressing that he had bought them before we got together last night. I thanked him for the presents ... he's left town for to spend a couple of weeks with his family. He kept stressing that the presents were bought before we got together. Everyone has advised me to just open the presents on Christmas day and send a thank you note. Seems a bit cold, but then again ... it's not like we're even dating. What's he playing at?
VictorM's advice:
He wants to make sure you stay warm enough for the occasional encounter but not too hot to handle.
You know, you don't have to be Stephen Hawking to figure out that you're just used to stroke his ego, and that the more you allow him to do this, the less respect he has for you, which if anything, reduces the chances that you'll ever mean anything significant to him.
By Carole, 48, from Montreal:
I wrote back in August about the guy who wanted to take me away for the weekend to 'celebrate what we had' only to dump me at the end of the weekend. I dumped him. Since then we've gotten together a couple of times - always at his initiative. Stupid, I know but hey, I never said I was Steven Hawking. Over a month ago he told me that he had started to communicate with an ex that he thought he was still in love with and felt that we should stop getting together. I told him fine and told him that it would be best for both of us if he just stopped getting in touch with me, as a friend or otherwise. He agreed. All was good until yesterday. We ran into each other Christmas shopping ... In the spirit of Christmas I did not try to kill him (haha)... we actually talked and had a quick bite to eat together. He helped me back to my place with all my packages and well, one thing led to another. All was fine ... no expectations. He showed up the next morning at my office with Christmas presents for me, stressing that he had bought them before we got together last night. I thanked him for the presents ... he's left town for to spend a couple of weeks with his family. He kept stressing that the presents were bought before we got together. Everyone has advised me to just open the presents on Christmas day and send a thank you note. Seems a bit cold, but then again ... it's not like we're even dating. What's he playing at?
VictorM's advice:
He wants to make sure you stay warm enough for the occasional encounter but not too hot to handle.
You know, you don't have to be Stephen Hawking to figure out that you're just used to stroke his ego, and that the more you allow him to do this, the less respect he has for you, which if anything, reduces the chances that you'll ever mean anything significant to him.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Ongoing flirtation with this bartender
Submitted on Thursday, December 18, 2008
By christy, 24, from boston:
So I had this ongoing flirtation with this bartender for about a month. Well, we hooked up one night about a month after I first met him. I think he was starting to casually date this girl who is less attractive than me before we ever got together, but now he continues to date her. (The girl being less attractive is a consensus between a lot of people). Should I still try to see him even though he has this other girl that I guess he must like? He is still friendly to me when I see him around, but seems to act a little awkward and nervous, which is strange because he's outgoing, etc. Is this awkwardness like "get away from me, freak" or like he gets nervous in a good way?
VictorM's advice:
Beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the bartender. Besides, attraction is not about the beauty of the other person; it's how good one feels about himself/herself in the company of the other person.
I can only surmise* that if he knows of your willingness to still see him, his awkwardness is a sign that he doesn't feel that good being around a woman who would settle for being "the other woman," willing to play second fiddle, and accepting of a man who's cheating on his lover. Put simply, he's lost respect for you.
Now, if he doesn't know what you're considering, my guess is that he senses it and his discouraging you from it without coming out and saying it.
If you respect his decision, and respect yourself in the process, his awkwardness will go away.
* I'm assuming he's a decent guy. If not, ignore all I said.
By christy, 24, from boston:
So I had this ongoing flirtation with this bartender for about a month. Well, we hooked up one night about a month after I first met him. I think he was starting to casually date this girl who is less attractive than me before we ever got together, but now he continues to date her. (The girl being less attractive is a consensus between a lot of people). Should I still try to see him even though he has this other girl that I guess he must like? He is still friendly to me when I see him around, but seems to act a little awkward and nervous, which is strange because he's outgoing, etc. Is this awkwardness like "get away from me, freak" or like he gets nervous in a good way?
VictorM's advice:
Beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the bartender. Besides, attraction is not about the beauty of the other person; it's how good one feels about himself/herself in the company of the other person.
I can only surmise* that if he knows of your willingness to still see him, his awkwardness is a sign that he doesn't feel that good being around a woman who would settle for being "the other woman," willing to play second fiddle, and accepting of a man who's cheating on his lover. Put simply, he's lost respect for you.
Now, if he doesn't know what you're considering, my guess is that he senses it and his discouraging you from it without coming out and saying it.
If you respect his decision, and respect yourself in the process, his awkwardness will go away.
* I'm assuming he's a decent guy. If not, ignore all I said.
We were quite comfortable with one another
Submitted on Thursday, December 18, 2008
By Cherrie, 18, from UVA:
Hey Victor!
I had asked you some questions before and they were all very helpful and accurate in their situations. Here's one I would like your opinion:
Right now I am a freshman at UVA and I'm home for the break! Recently over the past semester I befriended via facebook a guy I knew in high school. I wouldn't say that we were best friends, but we were quite comfortable with one another. He teased me a bit in high school (playfully) and we both got along well in class. He has an incredibly large ego because he is incredibly smart and goes to Cornell.
Knowing he's snooty and a little bit introverted personality in high school, I was quite surprised that he actually initiated any type of contact with me when he imed me. When we talked he seemed to put a large effort into the conversation. I had to leave after thirty minutes and we didn't really talk online until the end of the semester. I wrote a small comment on his wall and the next day he again initiated the conversation online. This time we ended up talking for two hours online and he was the main factor that kept the conversation going.
I know this may not sound like a big deal, but I was really surprised that he was actually very funny, kind, and playful towards me online. I mentioned that we should hang out sometime (after he said that he didn't know what to do over the break) and he basically implied we should go visit our high school in VA together.
I don't know if he's going to take the initiative to ask me to go to our HS or not. But right now I'm just a little surprised he talked to me the way he did and for such a long period of time.
Opinions Victor? Any chances he likes me? Or am I making something out of nothing? What do you think of this guy?
VictorM's advice:
Of course there's a chance he likes you, but... but you've got to put things into perspective.
The chasm between online and in person communication is like night and day. It's so much easier to carry on a conversation, be flirty, be funny, and seem so attentive online. In fact, it's possible to do all those things with several girls at once. Open window, close a window, copy paste from window A to window B changing just the name, etc... I'm not saying he's doing that. But you should really take attention you get online with a grain of salt until you are face to face with the guy.
In person there is single and direct attention flow, you can see his body language, he doesn't have as much time to think of an answer, the dead spots that are OK with online chatting vanish when you're face to face, and when things get to be too much it's not as easy as just to say: "gotta go. talk to you soon."
By all means pursue this if you like the guy, but get you feet back on the ground and hold your enthusiasm until you're both in the real world.
By Cherrie, 18, from UVA:
Hey Victor!
I had asked you some questions before and they were all very helpful and accurate in their situations. Here's one I would like your opinion:
Right now I am a freshman at UVA and I'm home for the break! Recently over the past semester I befriended via facebook a guy I knew in high school. I wouldn't say that we were best friends, but we were quite comfortable with one another. He teased me a bit in high school (playfully) and we both got along well in class. He has an incredibly large ego because he is incredibly smart and goes to Cornell.
Knowing he's snooty and a little bit introverted personality in high school, I was quite surprised that he actually initiated any type of contact with me when he imed me. When we talked he seemed to put a large effort into the conversation. I had to leave after thirty minutes and we didn't really talk online until the end of the semester. I wrote a small comment on his wall and the next day he again initiated the conversation online. This time we ended up talking for two hours online and he was the main factor that kept the conversation going.
I know this may not sound like a big deal, but I was really surprised that he was actually very funny, kind, and playful towards me online. I mentioned that we should hang out sometime (after he said that he didn't know what to do over the break) and he basically implied we should go visit our high school in VA together.
I don't know if he's going to take the initiative to ask me to go to our HS or not. But right now I'm just a little surprised he talked to me the way he did and for such a long period of time.
Opinions Victor? Any chances he likes me? Or am I making something out of nothing? What do you think of this guy?
VictorM's advice:
Of course there's a chance he likes you, but... but you've got to put things into perspective.
The chasm between online and in person communication is like night and day. It's so much easier to carry on a conversation, be flirty, be funny, and seem so attentive online. In fact, it's possible to do all those things with several girls at once. Open window, close a window, copy paste from window A to window B changing just the name, etc... I'm not saying he's doing that. But you should really take attention you get online with a grain of salt until you are face to face with the guy.
In person there is single and direct attention flow, you can see his body language, he doesn't have as much time to think of an answer, the dead spots that are OK with online chatting vanish when you're face to face, and when things get to be too much it's not as easy as just to say: "gotta go. talk to you soon."
By all means pursue this if you like the guy, but get you feet back on the ground and hold your enthusiasm until you're both in the real world.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I got upset with him and told him not to ever call me again
Submitted on Wednesday, December 17, 2008
By Linds, 36, from Los Angeles:
I dated him before for about 8 months but we parted ways as he wasn't really serious with me.
Lately, he has been calling me intermittently and would ask me out in passing. Recently, because of a minor miscommunication I got upset with him and told him not to ever call me again. He told my friend about it and said that he will respect my decision and will not call me unless I'm the one to call him.
I felt bad about my sudden outburst and called him yesterday to apologize but he did not pick up the phone. Today I called again and left a message. He hasn't called. He is the type who is quick to return calls.
Did I totally lose him? Does that mean he does not want anything to do with me? Should I try calling him again.
VictorM's advice:
Will that mean that you have lost him forever? Maybe no, and maybe yes.
Maybe no, if this is just a case of bruised ego. He will stay away only until he feels you have been hurt by him. So... if he doesn't call, just say to your common friend that your ex has hurt your feelings (even if it's a lie) and that you're crying in agony (well, you might choose a more credible lie) so that he feels vindicated.
Maybe yes, if there's a chance that your outburst has destroyed whatever magical appeal you held for him. If this is the case, yeah, he'll move on and leave you alone.
I'd say wait another day or two anyway before giving up on him calling you back. Maybe he just hasn't had the chance to.
By Linds, 36, from Los Angeles:
I dated him before for about 8 months but we parted ways as he wasn't really serious with me.
Lately, he has been calling me intermittently and would ask me out in passing. Recently, because of a minor miscommunication I got upset with him and told him not to ever call me again. He told my friend about it and said that he will respect my decision and will not call me unless I'm the one to call him.
I felt bad about my sudden outburst and called him yesterday to apologize but he did not pick up the phone. Today I called again and left a message. He hasn't called. He is the type who is quick to return calls.
Did I totally lose him? Does that mean he does not want anything to do with me? Should I try calling him again.
VictorM's advice:
Will that mean that you have lost him forever? Maybe no, and maybe yes.
Maybe no, if this is just a case of bruised ego. He will stay away only until he feels you have been hurt by him. So... if he doesn't call, just say to your common friend that your ex has hurt your feelings (even if it's a lie) and that you're crying in agony (well, you might choose a more credible lie) so that he feels vindicated.
Maybe yes, if there's a chance that your outburst has destroyed whatever magical appeal you held for him. If this is the case, yeah, he'll move on and leave you alone.
I'd say wait another day or two anyway before giving up on him calling you back. Maybe he just hasn't had the chance to.
A collection of love songs
Submitted on Wednesday, December 17, 2008
By rose, 33, from Hong Kong:
I've been good friends with this guy for over a year now and out of the blue, he has given me a collection of love songs.
Would a guy whom I have been platonic with all this while be trying to tell me something?
If I ask him, I am concerned it might hurt our friendship because we also used to be colleagues.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what his motivation was, but if you don't think of him as more than a friend, there is no reason to ask him about it. Just say "thank you" and proceed as if it means nothing more than friendship. If, on the other hand, you do like him as more than just friends, than I see no reason why you shouldn't bring it up.
If there are romantic feelings from either of you, the friendship as you know it now is unsustainable for much longer. Sooner or later, either one of you is going to find a lover. Once that happens, the likelihood that you'll have time for each other, or that your partner will approve or accept a close friendship with someone of the opposite gender is highly unlikely. So you really have nothing to lose. Might as well ask.
By rose, 33, from Hong Kong:
I've been good friends with this guy for over a year now and out of the blue, he has given me a collection of love songs.
Would a guy whom I have been platonic with all this while be trying to tell me something?
If I ask him, I am concerned it might hurt our friendship because we also used to be colleagues.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what his motivation was, but if you don't think of him as more than a friend, there is no reason to ask him about it. Just say "thank you" and proceed as if it means nothing more than friendship. If, on the other hand, you do like him as more than just friends, than I see no reason why you shouldn't bring it up.
If there are romantic feelings from either of you, the friendship as you know it now is unsustainable for much longer. Sooner or later, either one of you is going to find a lover. Once that happens, the likelihood that you'll have time for each other, or that your partner will approve or accept a close friendship with someone of the opposite gender is highly unlikely. So you really have nothing to lose. Might as well ask.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Why don't some girls shave..?
Submitted on Wednesday, December 17, 2008
By stn, 16+, from goodmayes:
Why don't some girls shave..? :-S
VictorM's answer:
Different strokes for different folks.
Some people like hair. Some people get irritated when they shaving. For some there are cultural or even religious reasons. Some are just lazy. Some just like the natural look.
Lots of reasons, really. Besides, I hear that with the bad Bush going out, the good bush is coming back.
By stn, 16+, from goodmayes:
Why don't some girls shave..? :-S
VictorM's answer:
Different strokes for different folks.
Some people like hair. Some people get irritated when they shaving. For some there are cultural or even religious reasons. Some are just lazy. Some just like the natural look.
Lots of reasons, really. Besides, I hear that with the bad Bush going out, the good bush is coming back.
How do I help him as a friend to break viscous cycle
Submitted on Tuesday, December 16, 2008
By Heather, 30, from Florida:
Good friend going through divorce in process of signing papers. They tried counseling and still not possible. They have split and tried to get back together with same results. So him and I began having feelings for each other. Wife finds out, of course, jealous so decides to tell him that she is miraculously going to change and let him do and have whatever he wants just to pull us apart. My advice is biased now. How do I help him as a friend to break viscous cycle, cut the cord, end it?
VictorM's advice:
First, you're long past being just a friend, so there's nothing you can do as a friend; and second, even if you were just a friend, you shouldn't interfere. Between husband and wife, unless physical abuse his involved, you mind your own business.
Some people have to try harder than others before they give up on something or someone. You've got to let them run their course because as long as they have "what ifs" on their mind, they won't be any good to you. If and when he walks away from his wife, it has to be purely on his terms. And if she's lying to him, he needs to find out on his own.
If you push things now and he leaves her still vulnerable to her charms or lies, any relationship you have with him will be that much more precarious.
By Heather, 30, from Florida:
Good friend going through divorce in process of signing papers. They tried counseling and still not possible. They have split and tried to get back together with same results. So him and I began having feelings for each other. Wife finds out, of course, jealous so decides to tell him that she is miraculously going to change and let him do and have whatever he wants just to pull us apart. My advice is biased now. How do I help him as a friend to break viscous cycle, cut the cord, end it?
VictorM's advice:
First, you're long past being just a friend, so there's nothing you can do as a friend; and second, even if you were just a friend, you shouldn't interfere. Between husband and wife, unless physical abuse his involved, you mind your own business.
Some people have to try harder than others before they give up on something or someone. You've got to let them run their course because as long as they have "what ifs" on their mind, they won't be any good to you. If and when he walks away from his wife, it has to be purely on his terms. And if she's lying to him, he needs to find out on his own.
If you push things now and he leaves her still vulnerable to her charms or lies, any relationship you have with him will be that much more precarious.
He made a fake profile
Submitted on Tuesday, December 16, 2008
By saybel, 20's:
vic...I'm back after 2 months...and i understand if you think 'i already told her but she doesn't listen!' lol but...i love hearing your opinion :p
anyway...my ex is still doing the same thing (checking me)...but he made a fake profile and pretended to be somebody else to talk to me...at first I wasn't sure..but then I logged his ip...
this is so weird...why? then i asked the person about their past relationships...and they're like "If i saw her with somebody i'd be happy for her..." "cuz I really like you" and I was like "I'm almost there... when i realized how little I meant it made things easier" I then asked the person who they really were ...and send another email...they read and never answered...then I deleted them from my list and they deleted the whole profile...
a day later my real ex emails me wishing me happy holidays and answered an old ass email...uh hummm....then i answered in one sentence (very unlike me)
after the profile was deleted he hasn't come around as much...maybe once every 2/3 days...
enlighten me vic!
VictorM's advice:
I thought by now he'd have stopped, but he hasn't.
The one thing you can be sure of every single guy on the planet is his desire to have a stoked up ego. Some guys need it less than others, but we all need it. And so, whether you're still together or not, you're one person that has an impact on his ego. What is he after? Perhaps he's hoping you're heartbroken without him. That you can't find another guy. That you're craving him. That doesn't mean he wants you back, it just means his ego needs you to be yearning for him, even just thinking about him. Maybe even if he doesn't know it, you're writing to some internet advice guy about him and boy, if he knew that he'd be thrilled.
Look at it this way... him coming around, with fake profiles or not, is still very much part of your thought process. And that suits him (his ego) just fine. And that's why he does it. And that's why he'll keep on doing it.
Block him. Cut out all contact with him. Pay him no mind. If you can.
By saybel, 20's:
vic...I'm back after 2 months...and i understand if you think 'i already told her but she doesn't listen!' lol but...i love hearing your opinion :p
anyway...my ex is still doing the same thing (checking me)...but he made a fake profile and pretended to be somebody else to talk to me...at first I wasn't sure..but then I logged his ip...
this is so weird...why? then i asked the person about their past relationships...and they're like "If i saw her with somebody i'd be happy for her..." "cuz I really like you" and I was like "I'm almost there... when i realized how little I meant it made things easier" I then asked the person who they really were ...and send another email...they read and never answered...then I deleted them from my list and they deleted the whole profile...
a day later my real ex emails me wishing me happy holidays and answered an old ass email...uh hummm....then i answered in one sentence (very unlike me)
after the profile was deleted he hasn't come around as much...maybe once every 2/3 days...
enlighten me vic!
VictorM's advice:
I thought by now he'd have stopped, but he hasn't.
The one thing you can be sure of every single guy on the planet is his desire to have a stoked up ego. Some guys need it less than others, but we all need it. And so, whether you're still together or not, you're one person that has an impact on his ego. What is he after? Perhaps he's hoping you're heartbroken without him. That you can't find another guy. That you're craving him. That doesn't mean he wants you back, it just means his ego needs you to be yearning for him, even just thinking about him. Maybe even if he doesn't know it, you're writing to some internet advice guy about him and boy, if he knew that he'd be thrilled.
Look at it this way... him coming around, with fake profiles or not, is still very much part of your thought process. And that suits him (his ego) just fine. And that's why he does it. And that's why he'll keep on doing it.
Block him. Cut out all contact with him. Pay him no mind. If you can.
How can I get him to leave me alone
Submitted on Tuesday, December 16, 2008
By sierra, from FL:
This guy has liked me for years, but I just don't like him back. A while ago I went out with him because everyone told me to give him a chance, but I never actually liked the guy. I know it was wrong but I've apologized for it countless times, and I regret it. I've tried ignoring him and telling him that I'm not interested, but he still likes me and tries to do stuff with me. He is so annoying!!! I agreed to be friends but he keeps bringing up the fact that he likes me and we don't have anything in common so it's awkward when we talk. Truth is that with him acting like this I don't want to be friends. But I don't have the heart to tell him. He basically gets depressed every time I tell him I don't like him. How can I get him to leave me alone without being really mean? And please don't tell me I should give him another chance because I'm tired of hearing that and I've decided that isn't an option.
VictorM's advice:
The last thing I would tell you is to see him again. Anyone telling you to do that again is an idiot.
Some guys are programmed to be assertive, determined, to never give up, that sorta thing. If you give them the slightest, tiniest, hint to hope, they can be relentless. And you, with your "I don't have the heart to tell him" that you don't even want to be friends, repeatedly apologizing for going out with him, and agreeing to be friends when you didn't want to, are probably, unintentionally, giving him that little ray of hope that keeps on fueling his Terminator tendencies.
You say you don't want to be mean, but don't confuse being assertive and very clear with being mean. And you can't assume responsibility for how he reacts. If he gets depressed, that's his problem, not yours.
There are no magic words or magic wand to bail you out. Unless you're willing to draw a line in the sand and stand up for yourself, nothing will change.
You don't have to be rude to be assertive. Talk about what you want as a done deal, that is, not up for debate, without bringing up anything negative about him. For example: "I have decided to end this friendship," "Please don't call me again," "I'm not going to answer your calls anymore," etc. No need to get into "I don't like you" or "you're annoying." Don't offer room for debate. Say what you have to say in short, quick sentences, say "goodbye," and get off the phone. If he persists, tell him you're going to get a restraining order on him to leave you alone.
But chances are that you're not going to follow that advice, are you? Nah. Pity. It would work.
If that doesn't appeal to you, then I'd suggest that you start talking about other guys, even if you have to make them up. Tell him how they flirt with you, how you flirt with them, how good they look, how you can't wait to be with them, etc. Chances are that he won't enjoy your conversations for much longer.
If you still can't bring yourself up to do that, well... then I don't know else to say. He wins, I suppose.
By sierra, from FL:
This guy has liked me for years, but I just don't like him back. A while ago I went out with him because everyone told me to give him a chance, but I never actually liked the guy. I know it was wrong but I've apologized for it countless times, and I regret it. I've tried ignoring him and telling him that I'm not interested, but he still likes me and tries to do stuff with me. He is so annoying!!! I agreed to be friends but he keeps bringing up the fact that he likes me and we don't have anything in common so it's awkward when we talk. Truth is that with him acting like this I don't want to be friends. But I don't have the heart to tell him. He basically gets depressed every time I tell him I don't like him. How can I get him to leave me alone without being really mean? And please don't tell me I should give him another chance because I'm tired of hearing that and I've decided that isn't an option.
VictorM's advice:
The last thing I would tell you is to see him again. Anyone telling you to do that again is an idiot.
Some guys are programmed to be assertive, determined, to never give up, that sorta thing. If you give them the slightest, tiniest, hint to hope, they can be relentless. And you, with your "I don't have the heart to tell him" that you don't even want to be friends, repeatedly apologizing for going out with him, and agreeing to be friends when you didn't want to, are probably, unintentionally, giving him that little ray of hope that keeps on fueling his Terminator tendencies.
You say you don't want to be mean, but don't confuse being assertive and very clear with being mean. And you can't assume responsibility for how he reacts. If he gets depressed, that's his problem, not yours.
There are no magic words or magic wand to bail you out. Unless you're willing to draw a line in the sand and stand up for yourself, nothing will change.
You don't have to be rude to be assertive. Talk about what you want as a done deal, that is, not up for debate, without bringing up anything negative about him. For example: "I have decided to end this friendship," "Please don't call me again," "I'm not going to answer your calls anymore," etc. No need to get into "I don't like you" or "you're annoying." Don't offer room for debate. Say what you have to say in short, quick sentences, say "goodbye," and get off the phone. If he persists, tell him you're going to get a restraining order on him to leave you alone.
But chances are that you're not going to follow that advice, are you? Nah. Pity. It would work.
If that doesn't appeal to you, then I'd suggest that you start talking about other guys, even if you have to make them up. Tell him how they flirt with you, how you flirt with them, how good they look, how you can't wait to be with them, etc. Chances are that he won't enjoy your conversations for much longer.
If you still can't bring yourself up to do that, well... then I don't know else to say. He wins, I suppose.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Accidental rejection
Submitted on Monday, December 15, 2008
By Julie, 24, from Boston:
So I met this guy and he asked for my number, and he was very persistent at first. He kept calling me to hang out and we went out in a group with my friends a few times. I was trying to play hard to get a little, so I would never answer his calls when he called and then he would text and I would take my time answering his texts. Anyway, I think he got fed up so my friend told me to text him, so I did. Then he asked if I wanted to meet up the next weekend and I said ok but we didn't, so one night I invited him out with my friends but he said was busy, so he asked if we could go out another time. We went out to a bar and it was our first time alone together. Anyway, after we left, he tried to kiss me but I accidentally rejected him. He was embarrassed and he left. Then the next weekend I texted him and said "Call me if you want to hang out" and he said he would but he never did. That was a few days ago. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
How do you accidentally reject a kiss? That's a new one on me.
What should you do? I can think of three possibilities:
1. Wait. Since your last message was only a few days ago you could wait longer. I mean, a few days really is nothing. It's totally conceivable that he won't be free for a while.
2. Give up. It's quite possible that he has no plans to ask you out at all. After all, between your initial playing hard to get and this "accidental" kiss rejection, it wouldn't surprise me if he's got better things to do with his time than to hang out with you.
3 Ask him out. If you're interested in seeing him again, ask him out yourself. Don't wait for him to do it.
By Julie, 24, from Boston:
So I met this guy and he asked for my number, and he was very persistent at first. He kept calling me to hang out and we went out in a group with my friends a few times. I was trying to play hard to get a little, so I would never answer his calls when he called and then he would text and I would take my time answering his texts. Anyway, I think he got fed up so my friend told me to text him, so I did. Then he asked if I wanted to meet up the next weekend and I said ok but we didn't, so one night I invited him out with my friends but he said was busy, so he asked if we could go out another time. We went out to a bar and it was our first time alone together. Anyway, after we left, he tried to kiss me but I accidentally rejected him. He was embarrassed and he left. Then the next weekend I texted him and said "Call me if you want to hang out" and he said he would but he never did. That was a few days ago. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
How do you accidentally reject a kiss? That's a new one on me.
What should you do? I can think of three possibilities:
1. Wait. Since your last message was only a few days ago you could wait longer. I mean, a few days really is nothing. It's totally conceivable that he won't be free for a while.
2. Give up. It's quite possible that he has no plans to ask you out at all. After all, between your initial playing hard to get and this "accidental" kiss rejection, it wouldn't surprise me if he's got better things to do with his time than to hang out with you.
3 Ask him out. If you're interested in seeing him again, ask him out yourself. Don't wait for him to do it.
This guy admitted to liking me
Submitted on Monday, December 15, 2008
By Sonya, 14, from Bc Prince George Canada:
A month ago this guy admitted to liking me when my friends asked him out for me. He said no, of course, but than over the weekend we were saying stuff like "i love you" a lot but we weren't going out. My friend asked him out and they dated for awhile. While they were dating I asked him if he still liked me and he responded by saying this: "depends. As a friend yes, I can't say yes to the other way because I'm dating ..." so I took that as a yes. Well he asked if I was going to ask him out after he and my friend were over and after denying it 5 times I admitted to it and he said awesome, I'm looking forward to it. Yesterday my friend and him broke up so my other friend asked him what he would do if i asked him out and he said he would walk away laughing and say sorry. Why did he say that? And did he mean it?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why he said it, but we don't know that he really said, or that he meant it that way either. That's because you're relying too much on other people to pass on messages to and from you.
If you want to know something, ask yourself. Don't rely on others to ask him out for you -- ask him yourself. Don't rely on others to tell you what his answer might be -- ask him yourself.
I'm not saying people are lying to you, but people don't always say things the right way and messages get distorted the more people are involved in passing them on.
By Sonya, 14, from Bc Prince George Canada:
A month ago this guy admitted to liking me when my friends asked him out for me. He said no, of course, but than over the weekend we were saying stuff like "i love you" a lot but we weren't going out. My friend asked him out and they dated for awhile. While they were dating I asked him if he still liked me and he responded by saying this: "depends. As a friend yes, I can't say yes to the other way because I'm dating ..." so I took that as a yes. Well he asked if I was going to ask him out after he and my friend were over and after denying it 5 times I admitted to it and he said awesome, I'm looking forward to it. Yesterday my friend and him broke up so my other friend asked him what he would do if i asked him out and he said he would walk away laughing and say sorry. Why did he say that? And did he mean it?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why he said it, but we don't know that he really said, or that he meant it that way either. That's because you're relying too much on other people to pass on messages to and from you.
If you want to know something, ask yourself. Don't rely on others to ask him out for you -- ask him yourself. Don't rely on others to tell you what his answer might be -- ask him yourself.
I'm not saying people are lying to you, but people don't always say things the right way and messages get distorted the more people are involved in passing them on.
Monday, December 15, 2008
I have completely no interest in him
Submitted on Monday, December 15, 2008
By bel, 14, from toronto on:
Hey Victor :], i've read a couple of your answers and it seems you know what you're doing.
Jumping to the point, there's a guy in my science class and he likes me... I have completely no interest in him, other than just being classmates but he's telling his friends that he likes me and i only found out recently.
He doesn't seem like the shy kind of guy, but he doesn't confront me about it instead he goes telling his friends who tell other people until it gets to me. Apparently he's after Italian girls, and that just makes me feel grouped.. like a collection or something. Maybe it's because of the way i reacted when i heard this news (which was just giving a shocked face when he wasn't even there, but maybe his friends told him or something) but suddenly he's hating on me in science class and it's really awkward. Why's he doing this? I mean, I've only talked to him a couple of times and even those time were during class, i don't flirt with him or anything and he suddenly has a crush on me.
VictorM's advice:
Hating on you is yet another way of showing that he has a crush on you.
He's doing it because he's hoping that giving you the cold shoulder you'll notice him. Even negative attention is better than no attention at all. And you have to admit... you have noticed the change in his behavior and you have him on your mind. So to some extent, the move is paying off.
By bel, 14, from toronto on:
Hey Victor :], i've read a couple of your answers and it seems you know what you're doing.
Jumping to the point, there's a guy in my science class and he likes me... I have completely no interest in him, other than just being classmates but he's telling his friends that he likes me and i only found out recently.
He doesn't seem like the shy kind of guy, but he doesn't confront me about it instead he goes telling his friends who tell other people until it gets to me. Apparently he's after Italian girls, and that just makes me feel grouped.. like a collection or something. Maybe it's because of the way i reacted when i heard this news (which was just giving a shocked face when he wasn't even there, but maybe his friends told him or something) but suddenly he's hating on me in science class and it's really awkward. Why's he doing this? I mean, I've only talked to him a couple of times and even those time were during class, i don't flirt with him or anything and he suddenly has a crush on me.
VictorM's advice:
Hating on you is yet another way of showing that he has a crush on you.
He's doing it because he's hoping that giving you the cold shoulder you'll notice him. Even negative attention is better than no attention at all. And you have to admit... you have noticed the change in his behavior and you have him on your mind. So to some extent, the move is paying off.
He became "busy" all of a sudden
Submitted on Sunday, December 14, 2008
By sam, 26, from nyc:
Hey Victor,
Hope you're doing well. Just wanted to get your input on this situation.
I met this guy through a mutual friend. He was someone that I connected with for professional advice. Well, after our initial meetup, he continued to reach out to me, saying that we should get together and that he could show me around the city, etc. I went along with it, although I had an inclination that there was something more there. After getting together several times, he finally kissed me, which then confirmed my hunch. We went out several times after the kiss, but then something happened where he became "busy" all of a sudden. I get that he probably lost interest, but I would still like to be friends with him. Do I flat out just tell him that although we've kissed, it's okay if nothing more comes of it and that I would like to be friends at least? Honestly, I was fine just being friends with him in the first place and then he started acting more than a friend, so I decided to go with it. Anyway, any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
You clearly have nothing to lose by telling him that being just friends is fine with you, but I'd say the odds that he'll be interested are slim. Why? Because why should he spend his time and energy with you when he could be dating girls that might offer whatever it is he's looking for?
If a guy around your age is looking for a serious relationship, he's going to spend his time looking for a girl who is a potential girlfriend. My guess is that he's focused on finding a mate, and when guys focus on something, they seldom multitask.
If you tell him you're fine with being just friends, expect him to agree with you and say it's a good idea, and he might even get in touch with you a few times out of courtesy, but that will fade. See, you were a fun friend while there was still the chance that something could come out of it. He was never into you for friendship alone, even if that's all you had initially.
But, as I said before, you have got nothing to lose.
By sam, 26, from nyc:
Hey Victor,
Hope you're doing well. Just wanted to get your input on this situation.
I met this guy through a mutual friend. He was someone that I connected with for professional advice. Well, after our initial meetup, he continued to reach out to me, saying that we should get together and that he could show me around the city, etc. I went along with it, although I had an inclination that there was something more there. After getting together several times, he finally kissed me, which then confirmed my hunch. We went out several times after the kiss, but then something happened where he became "busy" all of a sudden. I get that he probably lost interest, but I would still like to be friends with him. Do I flat out just tell him that although we've kissed, it's okay if nothing more comes of it and that I would like to be friends at least? Honestly, I was fine just being friends with him in the first place and then he started acting more than a friend, so I decided to go with it. Anyway, any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
You clearly have nothing to lose by telling him that being just friends is fine with you, but I'd say the odds that he'll be interested are slim. Why? Because why should he spend his time and energy with you when he could be dating girls that might offer whatever it is he's looking for?
If a guy around your age is looking for a serious relationship, he's going to spend his time looking for a girl who is a potential girlfriend. My guess is that he's focused on finding a mate, and when guys focus on something, they seldom multitask.
If you tell him you're fine with being just friends, expect him to agree with you and say it's a good idea, and he might even get in touch with you a few times out of courtesy, but that will fade. See, you were a fun friend while there was still the chance that something could come out of it. He was never into you for friendship alone, even if that's all you had initially.
But, as I said before, you have got nothing to lose.
Mutual separation
Submitted on Saturday, December 13, 2008
By K:
If a couple is having problems with trust, do you think mutual separation, or just some time alone for awhile, (but later re-establishing connection) is necessary? Also, when do you think mutual separation is necessary for other situations?
VictorM's advice:
No. Separation will do nothing at all for lack of trust.
No, I don't believe separation fixes any other problem.
All separation does is delay the inevitable.
By K:
If a couple is having problems with trust, do you think mutual separation, or just some time alone for awhile, (but later re-establishing connection) is necessary? Also, when do you think mutual separation is necessary for other situations?
VictorM's advice:
No. Separation will do nothing at all for lack of trust.
No, I don't believe separation fixes any other problem.
All separation does is delay the inevitable.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
If marriage ever comes up he avoids talking about it
Submitted on Saturday, December 13, 2008
By Martha, 31, from Alabama:
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 3 years. I have been married before but he has NEVER been in a serious relationship before. If marriage ever comes up he avoids talking about it. I would love to know if he is willing to marry me or if he thinks we are going to date forever. He tells me he loves me all the time and I really love him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You know, not all communication involves words. A determined middle finger, for example, says a lot. So does avoiding talking about a topic. It just doesn't say what you want to hear, but it does say a lot.
Avoiding the topic says he's not ready to talk about it. It doesn't mean he's never willing to marry you, but at a minimum, it says he's in no rush to do it. But frankly, most guys would put marriage off if they had their druthers.
I suggest one of two approaches. One is a direct way, the other is a round about way. Take your pick.
The direct way involves you realizing that you can't spring this conversation up whenever your little heart desires. Women, it seems, can strike up a serious conversation on the spot, not guys. Guys need to be in the mood, prepared, and mentally ready. So, if you want to talk about marriage, let him know in advance and specify a date and time (for example, say to him; "Next Tuesday at 6:00 PM come to my apt for dinner. We need to talk about our future, including where you stand on the issue of marriage.") If he tries to avoid coming, tell him it's non-negotiable and you're not going to delay talking about it. Make sure you won't get interrupted, and be gentle but firm that the conversation must happen.
A less direct way is for you to ask him about his views about long term relationships, marriage, kids, etc. as it relates to society in general, not really about you and him. It's a round about way to getting his views on the topic.
You can choose either, but I have to say that after 3 years, and based on your age group, it's time for the direct approach. The second method might be fine if you were dating him for only a few months.
Now, if you make the effort to talk about marriage, set time aside for it, and let him know in advance, and he still avoids the conversation, understand that he's saying plenty with his silence; he's saying that he's not willing to consider marriage with you, he's just too cowardly to say it to your face.
By Martha, 31, from Alabama:
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 3 years. I have been married before but he has NEVER been in a serious relationship before. If marriage ever comes up he avoids talking about it. I would love to know if he is willing to marry me or if he thinks we are going to date forever. He tells me he loves me all the time and I really love him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You know, not all communication involves words. A determined middle finger, for example, says a lot. So does avoiding talking about a topic. It just doesn't say what you want to hear, but it does say a lot.
Avoiding the topic says he's not ready to talk about it. It doesn't mean he's never willing to marry you, but at a minimum, it says he's in no rush to do it. But frankly, most guys would put marriage off if they had their druthers.
I suggest one of two approaches. One is a direct way, the other is a round about way. Take your pick.
The direct way involves you realizing that you can't spring this conversation up whenever your little heart desires. Women, it seems, can strike up a serious conversation on the spot, not guys. Guys need to be in the mood, prepared, and mentally ready. So, if you want to talk about marriage, let him know in advance and specify a date and time (for example, say to him; "Next Tuesday at 6:00 PM come to my apt for dinner. We need to talk about our future, including where you stand on the issue of marriage.") If he tries to avoid coming, tell him it's non-negotiable and you're not going to delay talking about it. Make sure you won't get interrupted, and be gentle but firm that the conversation must happen.
A less direct way is for you to ask him about his views about long term relationships, marriage, kids, etc. as it relates to society in general, not really about you and him. It's a round about way to getting his views on the topic.
You can choose either, but I have to say that after 3 years, and based on your age group, it's time for the direct approach. The second method might be fine if you were dating him for only a few months.
Now, if you make the effort to talk about marriage, set time aside for it, and let him know in advance, and he still avoids the conversation, understand that he's saying plenty with his silence; he's saying that he's not willing to consider marriage with you, he's just too cowardly to say it to your face.
Friday, December 12, 2008
If a boy says he loves you, do you believe him?
Submitted on Thursday, December 11, 2008
By lola, 18, from jamaica:
If a boy stares you down everyday but never says anything to you at all... what does that mean?????
And if a boy says he loves you, do you believe him?
VictorM's advice:
Oh great! Now I can't get the Kinks song out of my mind... "L.O.L.A. Lola"
There's a good chance the boy likes you and he doesn't say anything because he's shy, or fears rejection, or thinks you're out of his league. It's also very possible that he looks at you because you're attractive and fun to look at, but that's where his interest end. So, unless you smile, greet him nicely, and get to talk to him, you may never know his particular reason for staring at you.
If a boy says he loves you, unless you have reason to believe he's lying, you believe him. It doesn't mean you have to feel the same way about him, heck, you don't even have to like him or want to be near him, but since you can't read his mind, you take him at face value and accept it as a compliment.
I know, lots of people say lots of things they don't mean just to get something from someone else, and using the word "love" loosely is such a common practice, but that's why you take words with a grain of salt; you want deeds and actions that back up those words.
Oh great! Now the words to another song come to mind...
There are no words... I can use... because their meaning... still leave for you to choose... and I couldn't stand... to let them be abused.... by you.
By lola, 18, from jamaica:
If a boy stares you down everyday but never says anything to you at all... what does that mean?????
And if a boy says he loves you, do you believe him?
VictorM's advice:
Oh great! Now I can't get the Kinks song out of my mind... "L.O.L.A. Lola"
There's a good chance the boy likes you and he doesn't say anything because he's shy, or fears rejection, or thinks you're out of his league. It's also very possible that he looks at you because you're attractive and fun to look at, but that's where his interest end. So, unless you smile, greet him nicely, and get to talk to him, you may never know his particular reason for staring at you.
If a boy says he loves you, unless you have reason to believe he's lying, you believe him. It doesn't mean you have to feel the same way about him, heck, you don't even have to like him or want to be near him, but since you can't read his mind, you take him at face value and accept it as a compliment.
I know, lots of people say lots of things they don't mean just to get something from someone else, and using the word "love" loosely is such a common practice, but that's why you take words with a grain of salt; you want deeds and actions that back up those words.
Oh great! Now the words to another song come to mind...
There are no words... I can use... because their meaning... still leave for you to choose... and I couldn't stand... to let them be abused.... by you.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Befriending new girls
Submitted on Thursday, December 11, 2008
By mystere28, 29:
How can a guy with a girlfriend befriend new girls and make his girlfriend comfortable at the same time? He is in his 30's. I am not trying to "control", but I don't want to be a fool, and I do want to be comfortable.
VictorM's advice:
You own your level of comfort, your trust in him, and your reaction to whom he befriends. Making him responsible for your own feelings is skirting your responsibilities and just sets you up for failure, because unless he's a mind reader, since you're likely to react differently to the same exact event depending on your mood, his chances of success are hit or miss.
The problem with people who say they don't want to control others is that they do want to control others. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be asking how he can change to accommodate you; you'd be asking how you can change to deal with it better. And the problem with appeasing people like you is that it never stops. If today you're not pleased that he talks to a girl, and he stops, you'll be bothered that he looks at her, or that he opens the door to her, or even if he just mentions the name of a female. Women who have no trust, never, never, never get to trust him no matter what he does. Even if he decided to never leave the house and close himself in a dark room, you'd still be imagining he's seeing other women in the shadows.
Of course, some guys exhibit behaviors towards other females that are so offensive that goes beyond reasonable limits, but then if you stay with this kind of jerk, you're still the one with the problem.
You can, and should, express your personal feelings to him. Explain to him the things that hurt your feelings and arouse your suspicion. But ultimately, how you react is really a reflection of the kind of person you are. If he doesn't behave in a way conducive with your judgment, and you feel you've explained the situation, are you the kind of person who will look for a new boyfriend or one that is likely to stay there banging your head against a wall hoping that raising hell will make him change? Cause if you're the latter, you are the one with the problem, not him.
Now, are guys who seek the attention of other girls doing so because they want to cheat? Some, of course, are, but many aren't. Many males, whether it bothers you or not, seek the approval of other females for self validation. Old or young, coworkers or 22 year old neighbors, pretty or ugly... it doesn't matter, these guys just like being liked, being appreciated, being paid attention to. They seek the attention of females to raise their own ego and quite often, nothing else. It simply makes them feel good about themselves.
The problem that you face is that most guys don't see this as a problem. I suspect that's how your boyfriend feels. To them, since they're not looking to cheat, what's the harm in being nice to other women? That's what he's thinking and why all your banding your head on the wall is just going to make you bleed and not change his behavior.
So... you are either dealing with a guy whose behavior is fairly normal and it's your own insecurity that is causing you problems, or you're dealing with a guy whose behavior is so over the line they need professional therapy.
If you can't accept his female friends or if you can't drop him after still finding his behavior offensive, you're the one in need of therapy.
By mystere28, 29:
How can a guy with a girlfriend befriend new girls and make his girlfriend comfortable at the same time? He is in his 30's. I am not trying to "control", but I don't want to be a fool, and I do want to be comfortable.
VictorM's advice:
You own your level of comfort, your trust in him, and your reaction to whom he befriends. Making him responsible for your own feelings is skirting your responsibilities and just sets you up for failure, because unless he's a mind reader, since you're likely to react differently to the same exact event depending on your mood, his chances of success are hit or miss.
The problem with people who say they don't want to control others is that they do want to control others. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be asking how he can change to accommodate you; you'd be asking how you can change to deal with it better. And the problem with appeasing people like you is that it never stops. If today you're not pleased that he talks to a girl, and he stops, you'll be bothered that he looks at her, or that he opens the door to her, or even if he just mentions the name of a female. Women who have no trust, never, never, never get to trust him no matter what he does. Even if he decided to never leave the house and close himself in a dark room, you'd still be imagining he's seeing other women in the shadows.
Of course, some guys exhibit behaviors towards other females that are so offensive that goes beyond reasonable limits, but then if you stay with this kind of jerk, you're still the one with the problem.
You can, and should, express your personal feelings to him. Explain to him the things that hurt your feelings and arouse your suspicion. But ultimately, how you react is really a reflection of the kind of person you are. If he doesn't behave in a way conducive with your judgment, and you feel you've explained the situation, are you the kind of person who will look for a new boyfriend or one that is likely to stay there banging your head against a wall hoping that raising hell will make him change? Cause if you're the latter, you are the one with the problem, not him.
Now, are guys who seek the attention of other girls doing so because they want to cheat? Some, of course, are, but many aren't. Many males, whether it bothers you or not, seek the approval of other females for self validation. Old or young, coworkers or 22 year old neighbors, pretty or ugly... it doesn't matter, these guys just like being liked, being appreciated, being paid attention to. They seek the attention of females to raise their own ego and quite often, nothing else. It simply makes them feel good about themselves.
The problem that you face is that most guys don't see this as a problem. I suspect that's how your boyfriend feels. To them, since they're not looking to cheat, what's the harm in being nice to other women? That's what he's thinking and why all your banding your head on the wall is just going to make you bleed and not change his behavior.
So... you are either dealing with a guy whose behavior is fairly normal and it's your own insecurity that is causing you problems, or you're dealing with a guy whose behavior is so over the line they need professional therapy.
If you can't accept his female friends or if you can't drop him after still finding his behavior offensive, you're the one in need of therapy.
I am very upset with his decision
Submitted on Thursday, December 11, 2008
By SusanMarie, 47, from BC, Canada:
I have been seeing a man for about a year. With Christmas around the corner he has asked me to spend both Christmas Eve & Christmas day with his family. I said I would like to spend 1/2 of it with him and his family if he spends the other 1/2 with me and my family. He insists on spending the entire time with his family and suggested that he could drop by Christmas morning between 11am and 1pm when no one else will be there. I am very upset with his decision and told him it should be 50/50 giving from both of us in a relationship. He thinks I'm crazy to have these concerns and cannot understand my thoughts. Do you think I'm wrong to ask this?
VictorM's advice:
Before wondering about who is right and who is wrong, you need to find out why he wants it that way. But don't ask him in a "what's wrong with you?" kinda way; ask in a manner that seeks to understand.
There are a lot of reasons he could be taking that attitude... for example, he's intimidated by his own family and can't contradict them or go against their wishes (if so, that's a huge red flag for you to consider); he could really dislike your family (another red flag, if so); he could just not be ready to meet your family and doesn't want to say it; he could be the anti-social type; if your family is hours away he may not feel like driving; your family has been rude to him or are a bunch of lunatics and he thinks 50/50 is pure hell, etc. etc. Try to get to the root cause of his motivation before you consider right or wrong. He may have a reason that he fears will hurt your feelings and is holding back on the real reason.
If the language you used with him was something like "I'll spend half the time with your family IF you spend half with mine" you made the whole thing very confrontational, almost like an ultimatum because it has the sound of "if not, than I won't spend any time with your family." If the language you used bruised his ego, the little hurt boy has taken over and reasonableness is out the door as long as he's in that mode.
Of course, there's a good chance that he's just a stubborn, selfish, care-only-about-myself kinda guy. If so, this should be an easy decision: you spend both days with your family and you wish him a happy life.
But to answer your question, 50/50 is not always the fair answer (for example, this year we spend it with your family, next years with mine could be another alternate way of reaching fairness), or a practical one (if, for example, large distances are involved). Seeking to understand his reasons doesn't mean giving in to unfairness.
By the way, one technique for getting at the root cause of an objection (often, the first few reasons given aren't necessarily the real ones) is to accept the objection and remove it from consideration for the moment. It would go something like this:
He: There's too many people in your house.
You: I see. I understand. There are a lot us. So... if there weren't so many people you'd definitely go spend the second half with them?
Here, he may so yes, in which case you can debate the issue, but there's a good chance he'll bring up another objection...
He: well, no, because even fewer of them would be too much because they all drink too much.
You: Yeah, they are a bunch of drinkers. So... if less alcohol was involved you'd go?
Etc. etc. You keep overcoming the objection by saying "OK, if somehow that's not an issue, what else" WITHOUT telling him that that reason is idiotic. You just keep on going and setting objections aside until he answers "Yes, I'd go", in which case you consider if that last objection has merit and/or if you can overcome it. Maybe he has a valid reason that you haven't considered or known about.
This technique borrows from the consulting world's Five Whys. You often have to ask people multiple whys -- five times, on average -- to get to the real reason. It goes something like this:
Q: Why do you prepare this report?
A: Because XYZ department needs it.
Q: Why do they need it?
A: To prepare the financial statements
Q: Why can't they get it from report ABC?
A: Because my report is more accurate.
Q: Why is your report more accurate than report ABC?
A: Well, because our department has always been the one to do this report.
Q: Why is that?
A: I don't know. That's what I was told when I got hired.
The "I don't know why I prepare this report" real answer would seldom come from just asking one why. People have a built-in mechanism to hide their ignorance, their self-interests, or their darker side (greed, anger, intolerance, racism, etc.).
By SusanMarie, 47, from BC, Canada:
I have been seeing a man for about a year. With Christmas around the corner he has asked me to spend both Christmas Eve & Christmas day with his family. I said I would like to spend 1/2 of it with him and his family if he spends the other 1/2 with me and my family. He insists on spending the entire time with his family and suggested that he could drop by Christmas morning between 11am and 1pm when no one else will be there. I am very upset with his decision and told him it should be 50/50 giving from both of us in a relationship. He thinks I'm crazy to have these concerns and cannot understand my thoughts. Do you think I'm wrong to ask this?
VictorM's advice:
Before wondering about who is right and who is wrong, you need to find out why he wants it that way. But don't ask him in a "what's wrong with you?" kinda way; ask in a manner that seeks to understand.
There are a lot of reasons he could be taking that attitude... for example, he's intimidated by his own family and can't contradict them or go against their wishes (if so, that's a huge red flag for you to consider); he could really dislike your family (another red flag, if so); he could just not be ready to meet your family and doesn't want to say it; he could be the anti-social type; if your family is hours away he may not feel like driving; your family has been rude to him or are a bunch of lunatics and he thinks 50/50 is pure hell, etc. etc. Try to get to the root cause of his motivation before you consider right or wrong. He may have a reason that he fears will hurt your feelings and is holding back on the real reason.
If the language you used with him was something like "I'll spend half the time with your family IF you spend half with mine" you made the whole thing very confrontational, almost like an ultimatum because it has the sound of "if not, than I won't spend any time with your family." If the language you used bruised his ego, the little hurt boy has taken over and reasonableness is out the door as long as he's in that mode.
Of course, there's a good chance that he's just a stubborn, selfish, care-only-about-myself kinda guy. If so, this should be an easy decision: you spend both days with your family and you wish him a happy life.
But to answer your question, 50/50 is not always the fair answer (for example, this year we spend it with your family, next years with mine could be another alternate way of reaching fairness), or a practical one (if, for example, large distances are involved). Seeking to understand his reasons doesn't mean giving in to unfairness.
By the way, one technique for getting at the root cause of an objection (often, the first few reasons given aren't necessarily the real ones) is to accept the objection and remove it from consideration for the moment. It would go something like this:
He: There's too many people in your house.
You: I see. I understand. There are a lot us. So... if there weren't so many people you'd definitely go spend the second half with them?
Here, he may so yes, in which case you can debate the issue, but there's a good chance he'll bring up another objection...
He: well, no, because even fewer of them would be too much because they all drink too much.
You: Yeah, they are a bunch of drinkers. So... if less alcohol was involved you'd go?
Etc. etc. You keep overcoming the objection by saying "OK, if somehow that's not an issue, what else" WITHOUT telling him that that reason is idiotic. You just keep on going and setting objections aside until he answers "Yes, I'd go", in which case you consider if that last objection has merit and/or if you can overcome it. Maybe he has a valid reason that you haven't considered or known about.
This technique borrows from the consulting world's Five Whys. You often have to ask people multiple whys -- five times, on average -- to get to the real reason. It goes something like this:
Q: Why do you prepare this report?
A: Because XYZ department needs it.
Q: Why do they need it?
A: To prepare the financial statements
Q: Why can't they get it from report ABC?
A: Because my report is more accurate.
Q: Why is your report more accurate than report ABC?
A: Well, because our department has always been the one to do this report.
Q: Why is that?
A: I don't know. That's what I was told when I got hired.
The "I don't know why I prepare this report" real answer would seldom come from just asking one why. People have a built-in mechanism to hide their ignorance, their self-interests, or their darker side (greed, anger, intolerance, racism, etc.).
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
He just wants to be friends
Submitted on Tuesday, December 09, 2008
By Rachelle, 27, from Maryland:
I met this guy about 3 months ago. Everything was fine. We were spending a lot of time together, we were going places together. We even talked about having a future together. Then about 2 weeks ago he just stopped calling me and he wouldn't return my calls, so I sent him an email to find out what had happened. He responds to the email a week later saying that what he feels for me is that of a friend, he said he tried to like me as more and he tried to make himself be with me but it never fully clicked. But yet, awhile back when we talked about being more than friends he said he was OK with it and he felt the same. Now all the sudden he only likes me as a friend. I am not sure if this has anything to do with it but before he stopped calling me, we had gone to one of his friend's birthday party. His friends said that I seem uninterested in being at the party, when I told then several times that I was just tired. But it seemed that after the party that is when everything changed between. So I don't know what happened. Can you please explain to me what could have caused the sudden change in him.
VictorM's advice:
It was not the birthday party, it's just human nature. This is exactly how things work. We meet someone that we find attractive and we like them enough to want to check them out further. Sometimes the interest grows, and sometimes it doesn't. In either case, it's very hard to explain why. In either case, it takes time to confirm.
You say he lost interest "all of a sudden." I doubt very much if that was the case. He said it himself that he tried to like you, meaning, he was starting to have doubts for a while. But he tried. Obviously, no one tells their partner that they're interest might be dropping. We tend to give it a try for a little longer, until we just can't keep doing it any longer.
The ending of a relationship need not be a finger pointing exercise. We aren't made to seriously like most people we meet. The whole chemistry bit between people is elusive. No one knows why we have it with a particular person but not others, or why we have it early on and then lose it.
Basically, you were trying each other on. That's what dating is all about. He was into you early on, but after a while, he came to the conclusion you were not a fit for him. The reasons may not even be clear to him. That's part the mystery of the human experience.
By Rachelle, 27, from Maryland:
I met this guy about 3 months ago. Everything was fine. We were spending a lot of time together, we were going places together. We even talked about having a future together. Then about 2 weeks ago he just stopped calling me and he wouldn't return my calls, so I sent him an email to find out what had happened. He responds to the email a week later saying that what he feels for me is that of a friend, he said he tried to like me as more and he tried to make himself be with me but it never fully clicked. But yet, awhile back when we talked about being more than friends he said he was OK with it and he felt the same. Now all the sudden he only likes me as a friend. I am not sure if this has anything to do with it but before he stopped calling me, we had gone to one of his friend's birthday party. His friends said that I seem uninterested in being at the party, when I told then several times that I was just tired. But it seemed that after the party that is when everything changed between. So I don't know what happened. Can you please explain to me what could have caused the sudden change in him.
VictorM's advice:
It was not the birthday party, it's just human nature. This is exactly how things work. We meet someone that we find attractive and we like them enough to want to check them out further. Sometimes the interest grows, and sometimes it doesn't. In either case, it's very hard to explain why. In either case, it takes time to confirm.
You say he lost interest "all of a sudden." I doubt very much if that was the case. He said it himself that he tried to like you, meaning, he was starting to have doubts for a while. But he tried. Obviously, no one tells their partner that they're interest might be dropping. We tend to give it a try for a little longer, until we just can't keep doing it any longer.
The ending of a relationship need not be a finger pointing exercise. We aren't made to seriously like most people we meet. The whole chemistry bit between people is elusive. No one knows why we have it with a particular person but not others, or why we have it early on and then lose it.
Basically, you were trying each other on. That's what dating is all about. He was into you early on, but after a while, he came to the conclusion you were not a fit for him. The reasons may not even be clear to him. That's part the mystery of the human experience.
I am not sure I really love him
Submitted on Monday, December 08, 2008
By anonomus 991:
Hey Argville, I have this friend, i love him and he tells me he loves me too, but I am not sure I really love him. You see, my parents will never accept him because he doesn't get up to their standards and because of my religion. I can't marry out of my religion. I am so confused, him and I often talk about our future and he has already planned it.
VictorM's advice:
You're going through a conflict between obligation and desire and you're just being weak on all accounts. Strength comes from conviction and as of now your convictions aren't strong enough.
If you're going to be true to your parents and to your religion, you should tell him that feelings aside, you'll never be a couple. If instead, you want to be with him, you need to reconcile that decision with your parents and your beliefs.
This is not a case of confusion, it's a question of courage. Do you have what it takes to do the right thing and deal with the consequences?
By anonomus 991:
Hey Argville, I have this friend, i love him and he tells me he loves me too, but I am not sure I really love him. You see, my parents will never accept him because he doesn't get up to their standards and because of my religion. I can't marry out of my religion. I am so confused, him and I often talk about our future and he has already planned it.
VictorM's advice:
You're going through a conflict between obligation and desire and you're just being weak on all accounts. Strength comes from conviction and as of now your convictions aren't strong enough.
If you're going to be true to your parents and to your religion, you should tell him that feelings aside, you'll never be a couple. If instead, you want to be with him, you need to reconcile that decision with your parents and your beliefs.
This is not a case of confusion, it's a question of courage. Do you have what it takes to do the right thing and deal with the consequences?
I'm too mean, rude, angry, and bossy!
Submitted on Monday, December 08, 2008
By Nisha, 22, from Troy:
Well, I'm dating a younger guy and we had good connection at first but now things are very bad. He told me that I'm too mean, rude, angry, and bossy! But I've always been that way forever but I don't really know how to let him lead the way. I texted him to ask if he we wanted me to stop all communication with him and he said: "I have a lot on my mind." So that's the answer I got from him. So I texted back the next day and he didn't reply. Could someone tell me why he does not want to reply to my texts?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to reply because he's done dealing with a mean, rude, angry, and bossy woman. Really, he'd be a moron to waste his energy on you. Mean people suck and they don't deserve the attention they crave.
Your excuse that you have always been that way is a rotten one. If those attributes are even remotely close to the way you are, you need professional therapy. If things don't change, you're either going to drive guys away, or you're going to get stuck with a major asshole.
By Nisha, 22, from Troy:
Well, I'm dating a younger guy and we had good connection at first but now things are very bad. He told me that I'm too mean, rude, angry, and bossy! But I've always been that way forever but I don't really know how to let him lead the way. I texted him to ask if he we wanted me to stop all communication with him and he said: "I have a lot on my mind." So that's the answer I got from him. So I texted back the next day and he didn't reply. Could someone tell me why he does not want to reply to my texts?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to reply because he's done dealing with a mean, rude, angry, and bossy woman. Really, he'd be a moron to waste his energy on you. Mean people suck and they don't deserve the attention they crave.
Your excuse that you have always been that way is a rotten one. If those attributes are even remotely close to the way you are, you need professional therapy. If things don't change, you're either going to drive guys away, or you're going to get stuck with a major asshole.
I'm pretty shy
Submitted on Sunday, December 07, 2008
By Jenny, 20, from USA:
About four years ago this guy and I went out on a date where he told me he like me a lot. But after that, nothing really happened. I noticed we looked at each other a lot and kind of smiled at each other, but nothing ever happened. So now, at University, we have a class together and we've been talking and getting along fine. He's flirted a little, but I can't tell if he's actually interested in trying to become something more than friends. I definitely want something more from him, but I'm pretty shy and don't know if I could go through with asking him out for coffee or something myself. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
It's hard to tell if his interest in you has the intentions you'd like, and I understand how difficult it is to ask him to go somewhere with you because you don't trust that his answer won't crush you. So... don't ask. Instead, next time you bump into him, just say you have some time to kill and you're on your way to Starbucks (or whatever the closest hangout place is). You could leave it at that and see if he offers to come along, or if you're feeling extra courageous, you can add "care to join me?"
This is a good way of going about it because if he can't, it doesn't have the sound of rejection because maybe he does have another commitment, and the question doesn't have an "I'm asking you out" feel to it; it's really just politeness. Now, if you do this a few times and he doesn't take the bait, then you know he's not interested because if he was, he'd jump at the chance. If he does join you, then you get to relate more one on one and get a better sense of his interest in you, if any.
By Jenny, 20, from USA:
About four years ago this guy and I went out on a date where he told me he like me a lot. But after that, nothing really happened. I noticed we looked at each other a lot and kind of smiled at each other, but nothing ever happened. So now, at University, we have a class together and we've been talking and getting along fine. He's flirted a little, but I can't tell if he's actually interested in trying to become something more than friends. I definitely want something more from him, but I'm pretty shy and don't know if I could go through with asking him out for coffee or something myself. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
It's hard to tell if his interest in you has the intentions you'd like, and I understand how difficult it is to ask him to go somewhere with you because you don't trust that his answer won't crush you. So... don't ask. Instead, next time you bump into him, just say you have some time to kill and you're on your way to Starbucks (or whatever the closest hangout place is). You could leave it at that and see if he offers to come along, or if you're feeling extra courageous, you can add "care to join me?"
This is a good way of going about it because if he can't, it doesn't have the sound of rejection because maybe he does have another commitment, and the question doesn't have an "I'm asking you out" feel to it; it's really just politeness. Now, if you do this a few times and he doesn't take the bait, then you know he's not interested because if he was, he'd jump at the chance. If he does join you, then you get to relate more one on one and get a better sense of his interest in you, if any.
Message for Lyna, from Davis
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
How to motivate my boyfriend to take care of his own sh^%*#(?
Submitted on Sunday, December 07, 2008
By Mary, 28, from Lexington, KY:
Not sure how to motivate my boyfriend to take care of his own sh^%*#(???
My boyfriend is generally a responsible guy - he has a child and is a great father. However, he works nights - so he's almost always tired and (I think) uses this as an excuse. For example, he wants to get in shape, but says he's too tired to work out. (All the time? I find that impossible).
The days we have his child are his days off, and my days working during the day - when I come home in the evening it's a mess and instead of having fun with the baby, I spend time cleaning up. I am anal about cleaning - so I accept this as my own burden - but I'd love to motivate him to help in a minimal way (like... if she gets 20 toys out - but is playing with 2, put a few of the others away? Put the lunch and breakfast dishes at least into the sink?) - set a good example for her about being tidy and responsible.
My biggest problem is that he's also lazy with his own stuff... he has bad credit which he said was from the divorce. To me, it's obvious he's got bad credit because he's lazy (because it happened over a few years of mistakes! not the 4 month divorce!) he gets mail that he throws away... I finally opened some things in a stack and found a collections that is 9 days away from going on his credit report!!! how can he improve his credit if he throws away his bills?
i now have 100% responsibility for opening all the mail... i already did 100% of the bill paying and other money stuff around here (we both contribute about evenly to the income)
he feels bad that i own my current house and he just lives here. he wants to buy a house, but if that's going to happen his credit has to improve, but for that to happen - i have to do it for him - he is so lazy about opening mail, writing letters, making important phone calls, that it's basically as if he's refusing to do it (although he CONSTANTLY says "i forgot" - even if something has been on the counter for 2-3 weeks and i ahve asked him 4-5 times about it, in a nice way.... he still says 'i forgot')
how can i motivate him to be involved? it is after all HIS responsibility
when i try to talk to him he feels like i'm calling him immature, irresponsible, etc... I just want him to realize how important this is and that it's his responsibility and that paying your bills and making phone calls is part of being a grown up. i also want him to appreciate my help.... he says he's busy and tired - well so am i. but i give my time to taking care of my business, our business, and his business - because he doesn't do any of it. i refuse to let his credit get worse, or let it affect my future. i want to buy a house with him - well lets make that happen...
he's a great boyfriend in all other respects... he just wont do anything involving paperwork!!!!
do i just accept that this is a part of HIM, and if it's going to get done - accept that i have to do it myself?
well... i sort of have accepted that - i DO do it all... but i would still like him to at least be involved. if i'm taking the time to do it, i would like it if he'd sit with me for at least a few minutes to help out.
and from a legal standpoint, i can't make all his phone calls - for account access reasons - but it's pulling teeth for him to do it.
VictorM's advice:
1) Stop doing it for him. The saying goes: give an angry man a fish,you fee him for a day; teach him to fish he'll feed himself for ever. Stop giving him a fish.
2) Train him like you train a puppy. That is, ask very specific and easy tasks, reward him, repeat the process until it becomes part of his behavior. Then, and only then, you ask for more and repeat the process.
I'll just give you a couple of examples and hopefully you can apply it to other things.
You can home and the dishes are all over the place. First off, yelling and telling him off about it are the absolute worst things you can do. Instead, go to the kitchen and start doing the dishes. Call him and ask him nicely: "honey, can you please hand me the soup plate that's on the coffee table?" He bring is it over, and you say "Thanks, baby" and give him a kiss. "Oh, can you please also hand me the soup spoon?" Repeat, repeat, repeat. Next time, ask for both things at the same time. When he bring is over, reward him. Then, one day, you ask him to "please, you hunk of a wonderful man, can you please wash these 2 dishes, baby?" etc etc.
So, the basics: ask for small changes at a time. Be specific about what you want (don't say "Help me" -- he'll just be like a deer in headlights). Reward good behavior (a kiss, a kind word a beer, a flash of your boobs, a quickie right in the middle of the kitchen floor). Increase your requests over time: bring me a plate now, two tomorrow, wash one dish the day after, etc.)
Another example, this one about paying the bills: first time, gather the bill, the checkbook, the pen... get them all together and just ask him to write the check. That's all. When he does, give him the blow job of his life! Next time, ask him to write the check and put the stamp on the envelop. Then rip his clothes off and mount him right then and there. Next, "honey, get the bills and the check book, it's time to pay the bills." Let him do it! When he does, call your twin sister and have a wild threesome.
OK... I've slightly exaggerated the rewards, but I hope you get the idea.
Don't expect overnight changes. Settle for incremental changes. Be patient. Don't do it for him. Reward good behavior. If and when he actually does do the dishes before you even get home, throw him a party and invite all his favorite porn stars. :-p
IMPORTANT: no sarcastic remarks like "see, it's not so hard," or if he does something, don't say "it's the least you could have done." No, nothing like that. You always want to reward good behavior. Always.
Now, have plenty of K-Y jelly and get ready...
By Mary, 28, from Lexington, KY:
Not sure how to motivate my boyfriend to take care of his own sh^%*#(???
My boyfriend is generally a responsible guy - he has a child and is a great father. However, he works nights - so he's almost always tired and (I think) uses this as an excuse. For example, he wants to get in shape, but says he's too tired to work out. (All the time? I find that impossible).
The days we have his child are his days off, and my days working during the day - when I come home in the evening it's a mess and instead of having fun with the baby, I spend time cleaning up. I am anal about cleaning - so I accept this as my own burden - but I'd love to motivate him to help in a minimal way (like... if she gets 20 toys out - but is playing with 2, put a few of the others away? Put the lunch and breakfast dishes at least into the sink?) - set a good example for her about being tidy and responsible.
My biggest problem is that he's also lazy with his own stuff... he has bad credit which he said was from the divorce. To me, it's obvious he's got bad credit because he's lazy (because it happened over a few years of mistakes! not the 4 month divorce!) he gets mail that he throws away... I finally opened some things in a stack and found a collections that is 9 days away from going on his credit report!!! how can he improve his credit if he throws away his bills?
i now have 100% responsibility for opening all the mail... i already did 100% of the bill paying and other money stuff around here (we both contribute about evenly to the income)
he feels bad that i own my current house and he just lives here. he wants to buy a house, but if that's going to happen his credit has to improve, but for that to happen - i have to do it for him - he is so lazy about opening mail, writing letters, making important phone calls, that it's basically as if he's refusing to do it (although he CONSTANTLY says "i forgot" - even if something has been on the counter for 2-3 weeks and i ahve asked him 4-5 times about it, in a nice way.... he still says 'i forgot')
how can i motivate him to be involved? it is after all HIS responsibility
when i try to talk to him he feels like i'm calling him immature, irresponsible, etc... I just want him to realize how important this is and that it's his responsibility and that paying your bills and making phone calls is part of being a grown up. i also want him to appreciate my help.... he says he's busy and tired - well so am i. but i give my time to taking care of my business, our business, and his business - because he doesn't do any of it. i refuse to let his credit get worse, or let it affect my future. i want to buy a house with him - well lets make that happen...
he's a great boyfriend in all other respects... he just wont do anything involving paperwork!!!!
do i just accept that this is a part of HIM, and if it's going to get done - accept that i have to do it myself?
well... i sort of have accepted that - i DO do it all... but i would still like him to at least be involved. if i'm taking the time to do it, i would like it if he'd sit with me for at least a few minutes to help out.
and from a legal standpoint, i can't make all his phone calls - for account access reasons - but it's pulling teeth for him to do it.
VictorM's advice:
1) Stop doing it for him. The saying goes: give an angry man a fish,you fee him for a day; teach him to fish he'll feed himself for ever. Stop giving him a fish.
2) Train him like you train a puppy. That is, ask very specific and easy tasks, reward him, repeat the process until it becomes part of his behavior. Then, and only then, you ask for more and repeat the process.
I'll just give you a couple of examples and hopefully you can apply it to other things.
You can home and the dishes are all over the place. First off, yelling and telling him off about it are the absolute worst things you can do. Instead, go to the kitchen and start doing the dishes. Call him and ask him nicely: "honey, can you please hand me the soup plate that's on the coffee table?" He bring is it over, and you say "Thanks, baby" and give him a kiss. "Oh, can you please also hand me the soup spoon?" Repeat, repeat, repeat. Next time, ask for both things at the same time. When he bring is over, reward him. Then, one day, you ask him to "please, you hunk of a wonderful man, can you please wash these 2 dishes, baby?" etc etc.
So, the basics: ask for small changes at a time. Be specific about what you want (don't say "Help me" -- he'll just be like a deer in headlights). Reward good behavior (a kiss, a kind word a beer, a flash of your boobs, a quickie right in the middle of the kitchen floor). Increase your requests over time: bring me a plate now, two tomorrow, wash one dish the day after, etc.)
Another example, this one about paying the bills: first time, gather the bill, the checkbook, the pen... get them all together and just ask him to write the check. That's all. When he does, give him the blow job of his life! Next time, ask him to write the check and put the stamp on the envelop. Then rip his clothes off and mount him right then and there. Next, "honey, get the bills and the check book, it's time to pay the bills." Let him do it! When he does, call your twin sister and have a wild threesome.
OK... I've slightly exaggerated the rewards, but I hope you get the idea.
Don't expect overnight changes. Settle for incremental changes. Be patient. Don't do it for him. Reward good behavior. If and when he actually does do the dishes before you even get home, throw him a party and invite all his favorite porn stars. :-p
IMPORTANT: no sarcastic remarks like "see, it's not so hard," or if he does something, don't say "it's the least you could have done." No, nothing like that. You always want to reward good behavior. Always.
Now, have plenty of K-Y jelly and get ready...
He didn't want to experience me like that again
Submitted on Sunday, December 07, 2008
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
Things have been going well with my boyfriend of two months. We get along very well and he generally initiates everything, acts like a gentleman, always pays etc. I have been enjoying it. We had sex after our 7th date. He has been asking me out 3x a week (after the 2nd, it moved to 2x and then soon after it became 3x a week because he was asking me out more). I know that he would rejigger his schedule if e.g. one day worked for me and not another. Last night he told me he was considering his 1 time a year vacation and it would be 3 weeks but because of us he felt he should make it shorter and also that I should come for a little bit of it and travel with him.
We went to a performance he had tickets to last night and then he stayed over. We had sex last night and this morning before he left. We do not always have sex when we meet. Actually he has kept count and said it was the 8th time. . .umm anyway, as usual he loves my body and is very much into pleasing me.
I have stayed over at his place once on a Saturday. This was the first time he has stayed at my place. He actually has kept count of our dates and today we had our 20th. His business partner has a big holiday party with friends each year and he took me so I met some of his friends and his business partner tonight. We had dinner together before that and we had our first little fight. We went to a restaurant which he couldn't remember the name of so we didn't have a reservation. The wait was over an hour so we left. I was disappointed with the next choices so he kind of told me off a bit - and said I was making negative comments. We resolved it though before we started eating and he said it's OK but now he knows he has to make reservations because he didn't want to experience me like that again.
Then we went to the party and had fun, danced a little, and I met his friends. He would feel me up every so often and told me how great I look (like usual). We shared a cab and he came out to my apt with me. We sat on my couch and listened to classical music, which we both really enjoy. I just had my head on his shoulders. This was for a little over an hour. Then he said guess what - I think I should leave. He mentioned that because he has a tendency to overreact, he wants to not go too fast and the sleeping over has that effect. I actually have to agree this has been going fast. I have been going at his pace, but he has been setting it. So I agreed with him and told him I have not been the one moving things forward. He still kept touching me for a little while - said he still wanted to enjoy looking at me. We then kissed and said goodbye.
He has had 2 four year relationships in his history and his last relationship ended 1.5 years ago and lasted 2 years. We met online and he said he has generally founded it not successful but he is math-minded and felt that it was just a matter of meeting more women there in order to find a good one and felt I proved this. Before me his longest online dating with a woman was 7 dates over 6 weeks. And the previous ones had been up to 3 dates. He said he has been on the site on/off for 5 years and probably met 50 women.
What do you think of his recent behavior (mainly tonight) and how should I act towards him going forward?
p.s. I thought I would just add the details from yesterday/Sunday. He initiated some text msgs with me starting soon after he woke up like normal and then he called me in the evening just to see how I was doing. I don't know what he meant by that comment ("slow down") on Sat evening now, but his behavior since has been normal.
VictorM's advice:
I'm always interested in what you have to say but I'm not quite sure what it is that you expect from me. I certainly can't validate his intentions, and I can't predict the future. What I can say, depending on what I'm told, is if something sounds like a red flag. And so far, none of what you have told me, in this submission as well as previous ones, qualify as such. But read on.
You seem bothered by his few relationships that lasted several years. That's my take, anyway, from this submissions as well as previous ones. Are those relationships -- their duration and eventual termination -- some kind of an omen?
I don't see how his previous relationships are any more abnormal than someone who was married for 10 years and now is divorced, or someone who never had a long term relationship. I just think that your questions about this topic are a reflection of your personality, not of his behavior. You'd be just as intrigued by any man in his late 30's/40, no matter what his previous experiences had been. The question is not really about his past; it is about your future as a couple. And no one -- I repeat -- no one, knows how that will turn out, with this guy or if it was any other guy.
You both seem a little anal retentive -- him with his counting the number of times you've had sex and number of dates; you with your "disappointment" over a freakin' restaurant as well as some of the things you're told me about before -- so it doesn't surprise me if both of you are looking at each other's behaviors with magnifying glasses.
At the end of the night could he have been still a little miffed by your "disappointment" and the "little fight" that ensued, hence his desire to not go too fast? It's quite possible. Of course I can't say if he was and if that's what prompted him to realize that maybe you should slow down, but I can say that those discoveries about a female are the types of thinks that cause men to step back.
Maybe he's coming to realize that you're more than a great body and a tight pussy (pardon the vulgarity but your previous descriptions reminded me of the t-shirt with a picture of a cat squished into a glass bottle with the caption "happiness is a tight pussy"). There is more to you, and as he'll discover in time, not all of it is going to be pleasant. By the way, the same applies in reverse.
His statement that he didn't want to experience that behavior of yours again might have been just talk, but if he thinks he can stop you from doing it again, he's delusional because the truth is, that is part of your personality and that's how you are likely to react again to the next disappointment, whether that's a restaurant or something else.
But anyway... things seem back to normal, so we'll leave it at that and I'll just sit here waiting for your next installment. :)
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
Things have been going well with my boyfriend of two months. We get along very well and he generally initiates everything, acts like a gentleman, always pays etc. I have been enjoying it. We had sex after our 7th date. He has been asking me out 3x a week (after the 2nd, it moved to 2x and then soon after it became 3x a week because he was asking me out more). I know that he would rejigger his schedule if e.g. one day worked for me and not another. Last night he told me he was considering his 1 time a year vacation and it would be 3 weeks but because of us he felt he should make it shorter and also that I should come for a little bit of it and travel with him.
We went to a performance he had tickets to last night and then he stayed over. We had sex last night and this morning before he left. We do not always have sex when we meet. Actually he has kept count and said it was the 8th time. . .umm anyway, as usual he loves my body and is very much into pleasing me.
I have stayed over at his place once on a Saturday. This was the first time he has stayed at my place. He actually has kept count of our dates and today we had our 20th. His business partner has a big holiday party with friends each year and he took me so I met some of his friends and his business partner tonight. We had dinner together before that and we had our first little fight. We went to a restaurant which he couldn't remember the name of so we didn't have a reservation. The wait was over an hour so we left. I was disappointed with the next choices so he kind of told me off a bit - and said I was making negative comments. We resolved it though before we started eating and he said it's OK but now he knows he has to make reservations because he didn't want to experience me like that again.
Then we went to the party and had fun, danced a little, and I met his friends. He would feel me up every so often and told me how great I look (like usual). We shared a cab and he came out to my apt with me. We sat on my couch and listened to classical music, which we both really enjoy. I just had my head on his shoulders. This was for a little over an hour. Then he said guess what - I think I should leave. He mentioned that because he has a tendency to overreact, he wants to not go too fast and the sleeping over has that effect. I actually have to agree this has been going fast. I have been going at his pace, but he has been setting it. So I agreed with him and told him I have not been the one moving things forward. He still kept touching me for a little while - said he still wanted to enjoy looking at me. We then kissed and said goodbye.
He has had 2 four year relationships in his history and his last relationship ended 1.5 years ago and lasted 2 years. We met online and he said he has generally founded it not successful but he is math-minded and felt that it was just a matter of meeting more women there in order to find a good one and felt I proved this. Before me his longest online dating with a woman was 7 dates over 6 weeks. And the previous ones had been up to 3 dates. He said he has been on the site on/off for 5 years and probably met 50 women.
What do you think of his recent behavior (mainly tonight) and how should I act towards him going forward?
p.s. I thought I would just add the details from yesterday/Sunday. He initiated some text msgs with me starting soon after he woke up like normal and then he called me in the evening just to see how I was doing. I don't know what he meant by that comment ("slow down") on Sat evening now, but his behavior since has been normal.
VictorM's advice:
I'm always interested in what you have to say but I'm not quite sure what it is that you expect from me. I certainly can't validate his intentions, and I can't predict the future. What I can say, depending on what I'm told, is if something sounds like a red flag. And so far, none of what you have told me, in this submission as well as previous ones, qualify as such. But read on.
You seem bothered by his few relationships that lasted several years. That's my take, anyway, from this submissions as well as previous ones. Are those relationships -- their duration and eventual termination -- some kind of an omen?
I don't see how his previous relationships are any more abnormal than someone who was married for 10 years and now is divorced, or someone who never had a long term relationship. I just think that your questions about this topic are a reflection of your personality, not of his behavior. You'd be just as intrigued by any man in his late 30's/40, no matter what his previous experiences had been. The question is not really about his past; it is about your future as a couple. And no one -- I repeat -- no one, knows how that will turn out, with this guy or if it was any other guy.
You both seem a little anal retentive -- him with his counting the number of times you've had sex and number of dates; you with your "disappointment" over a freakin' restaurant as well as some of the things you're told me about before -- so it doesn't surprise me if both of you are looking at each other's behaviors with magnifying glasses.
At the end of the night could he have been still a little miffed by your "disappointment" and the "little fight" that ensued, hence his desire to not go too fast? It's quite possible. Of course I can't say if he was and if that's what prompted him to realize that maybe you should slow down, but I can say that those discoveries about a female are the types of thinks that cause men to step back.
Maybe he's coming to realize that you're more than a great body and a tight pussy (pardon the vulgarity but your previous descriptions reminded me of the t-shirt with a picture of a cat squished into a glass bottle with the caption "happiness is a tight pussy"). There is more to you, and as he'll discover in time, not all of it is going to be pleasant. By the way, the same applies in reverse.
His statement that he didn't want to experience that behavior of yours again might have been just talk, but if he thinks he can stop you from doing it again, he's delusional because the truth is, that is part of your personality and that's how you are likely to react again to the next disappointment, whether that's a restaurant or something else.
But anyway... things seem back to normal, so we'll leave it at that and I'll just sit here waiting for your next installment. :)
Sunday, December 07, 2008
I started to like my ex's friend
Submitted on Saturday, December 06, 2008
By Elizabeth, 17, from USA:
I just got out of a relationship and I started to like my ex's friend. But now I'm getting confused, because it seems a little like my ex still likes me and I had already gotten over him (he broke up with me) but now I'm not sure if I am over him or not. But I think I like his friend. Sometimes it looks like his friend (Jordan) is looking at me, but I'm never sure, and sometimes he talks to me and my friends and he's always funny and nice and he's one of the rare boys that isn't scary. Sometimes I think I like Jordan and sometimes I think I like my ex and and sometimes I think I'm just lonely. As you may be able to tell, I'm super confused. You seem to have good advice, so I'd like to hear what thoughts and advice you have on this crazy and confusing subject.
VictorM's advice:
I understand the feeling of confusion, but there's nothing crazy about it. What you're feeling is totally normal. Liking a new guy and still having feelings for an ex at the same time is nothing new. And of course, feeling lonely at times because you're with neither is also common.
My advice? Since you can't be sure about one or the other, stop thinking of being with either. Instead, flirt with both, go on dates with either of them as well as other guys. I'm not suggesting that you mislead them or send them the wrong signals, but there's no reason you can't enjoy the company of different boys without having to feel you can only enjoy one a at time.
By Elizabeth, 17, from USA:
I just got out of a relationship and I started to like my ex's friend. But now I'm getting confused, because it seems a little like my ex still likes me and I had already gotten over him (he broke up with me) but now I'm not sure if I am over him or not. But I think I like his friend. Sometimes it looks like his friend (Jordan) is looking at me, but I'm never sure, and sometimes he talks to me and my friends and he's always funny and nice and he's one of the rare boys that isn't scary. Sometimes I think I like Jordan and sometimes I think I like my ex and and sometimes I think I'm just lonely. As you may be able to tell, I'm super confused. You seem to have good advice, so I'd like to hear what thoughts and advice you have on this crazy and confusing subject.
VictorM's advice:
I understand the feeling of confusion, but there's nothing crazy about it. What you're feeling is totally normal. Liking a new guy and still having feelings for an ex at the same time is nothing new. And of course, feeling lonely at times because you're with neither is also common.
My advice? Since you can't be sure about one or the other, stop thinking of being with either. Instead, flirt with both, go on dates with either of them as well as other guys. I'm not suggesting that you mislead them or send them the wrong signals, but there's no reason you can't enjoy the company of different boys without having to feel you can only enjoy one a at time.
Technorati Tags: does my ex like me, liking ex, liking an ex's friend, feeling lonely, liking 2 guys
He asked me to be his girlfriend
Submitted on Saturday, December 06, 2008
By Sarah, 17, from US:
I'm always shy. You can imagine how surprised I was when this one kid I liked asked me out on a date. Then, on that date he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked, but agreed. We dated for almost three weeks, and it was a little hard for me because I was just as afraid of him as I was happy to be around him, but I did my best to only show the happy side and wait for the shyness to go away. Then, suddenly he called me and asked if we could go back to being only friends again. I said yes and asked him why and he said he thought of me more as a friend. I was really torn up at first, but then I got over it. We have a class together, though. At first I just didn't look at him voluntarily (only if he talked to me or something) and I tried to leave him alone. It was kinda awkward. Then as I got more used to it I've been acting like a friend again, but now he seems to be back to talking loud and showing off in that way he used to when he liked me. Now I have no clue what's going on. Does he or doesn't he like me? Should I act normal or talk to him as little as possible? I'm really confused.
VictorM's advice:
Around your age group, boys give up on a girl not necessarily because they don't like her, but because they just can't handle the responsibilities and expectations of a relationship. There's a lot of peer pressure to go out, have fun, and be available to chase lots of girls.
It doesn't means the guy likes the girl any less. And in your case, it seems that he still values you and wants you to like him. He's acting the way he is to get your attention. Why? Because it strokes his ego for you to pay him attention.
Just talk to him the way you want to talk to him. Don't let him affect how you behave but also don't go expecting anything to change from what it is now.
By Sarah, 17, from US:
I'm always shy. You can imagine how surprised I was when this one kid I liked asked me out on a date. Then, on that date he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked, but agreed. We dated for almost three weeks, and it was a little hard for me because I was just as afraid of him as I was happy to be around him, but I did my best to only show the happy side and wait for the shyness to go away. Then, suddenly he called me and asked if we could go back to being only friends again. I said yes and asked him why and he said he thought of me more as a friend. I was really torn up at first, but then I got over it. We have a class together, though. At first I just didn't look at him voluntarily (only if he talked to me or something) and I tried to leave him alone. It was kinda awkward. Then as I got more used to it I've been acting like a friend again, but now he seems to be back to talking loud and showing off in that way he used to when he liked me. Now I have no clue what's going on. Does he or doesn't he like me? Should I act normal or talk to him as little as possible? I'm really confused.
VictorM's advice:
Around your age group, boys give up on a girl not necessarily because they don't like her, but because they just can't handle the responsibilities and expectations of a relationship. There's a lot of peer pressure to go out, have fun, and be available to chase lots of girls.
It doesn't means the guy likes the girl any less. And in your case, it seems that he still values you and wants you to like him. He's acting the way he is to get your attention. Why? Because it strokes his ego for you to pay him attention.
Just talk to him the way you want to talk to him. Don't let him affect how you behave but also don't go expecting anything to change from what it is now.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, shyness, shy girl, back to being friends
I loved his personality
Submitted on Thursday, December 04, 2008
By nancy, 18, from saratoga:
I met a guy almost 3 years ago. He wasn't extremely good looking, but I loved his personality. I talked to him twice, said hi and goodbye. Couldn't get another word out because I became so in love with him. I kept going back to volunteer where he worked but after a couple times he left. I really came to love the guy and he's gone. Dunno if he remembers me, but I'm seriously in love. Can't stop thinking about him! I found out where he's working now, but I don't know how to approach him, much less how to tell him how I found him and can't stop thinking about him. What should I do? There's an age difference, I'm 18 he's 27.
VictorM's advice:
Look, you could play games and wait for him outside of his work and bump into him by "accident." I really advise you against it because: 1) running into him again gives you nothing but a few moments together again, and 2) even if it leads to more, why start it with a lie?
If you have a way to contact him, do so and indicate that you've been very impressed by him and would welcome an opportunity to get to know him better. Do NOT say you're in love with him but other than that holding back your feelings, be honest with the guy. If he's going to be impressed with you as you are with him, let it be based on honesty and genuine interest in each other.
Don't worry about the age difference -- it's really no big deal -- and don't worry about what he might think -- most likely he'll at least be happy you like him. And if you find out that he has no interest in you, that will suck of course, but it will be better than never knowing if you stand a chance with him.
So, approach him with confidence and a huge smile because, no matter what, it'll be better than doing nothing.
By nancy, 18, from saratoga:
I met a guy almost 3 years ago. He wasn't extremely good looking, but I loved his personality. I talked to him twice, said hi and goodbye. Couldn't get another word out because I became so in love with him. I kept going back to volunteer where he worked but after a couple times he left. I really came to love the guy and he's gone. Dunno if he remembers me, but I'm seriously in love. Can't stop thinking about him! I found out where he's working now, but I don't know how to approach him, much less how to tell him how I found him and can't stop thinking about him. What should I do? There's an age difference, I'm 18 he's 27.
VictorM's advice:
Look, you could play games and wait for him outside of his work and bump into him by "accident." I really advise you against it because: 1) running into him again gives you nothing but a few moments together again, and 2) even if it leads to more, why start it with a lie?
If you have a way to contact him, do so and indicate that you've been very impressed by him and would welcome an opportunity to get to know him better. Do NOT say you're in love with him but other than that holding back your feelings, be honest with the guy. If he's going to be impressed with you as you are with him, let it be based on honesty and genuine interest in each other.
Don't worry about the age difference -- it's really no big deal -- and don't worry about what he might think -- most likely he'll at least be happy you like him. And if you find out that he has no interest in you, that will suck of course, but it will be better than never knowing if you stand a chance with him.
So, approach him with confidence and a huge smile because, no matter what, it'll be better than doing nothing.
Technorati Tags: secret admirer, can't stop thinking about him, loved his personality, how to approach him
Friday, December 05, 2008
I was just kidding
Submitted on Thursday, December 04, 2008
By Sunshine, 21, from Australia:
Hey Victor, hope you remember me from a couple of months ago :)
Somethings been bugging me as of late. Nothing major at all, not really relationship related either. So it should be a pretty easy one for you!
A few guy friends of mine have this very annoying habit, if you can even call it that. Basically, just say we're in a group of friends cracking jokes and just having fun. Then I start getting teased for something stupid I did (nothing new here haha) and the guy will pull my leg, be mean and laugh at me. Which is fine, I laugh along and defend my stupid actions.
We move on to another topic and then 5 minutes later he turns to me and says "Oh by the way, I was just kidding before." Um, I KNOW! and I say "I know..and so was I? I was just playing along!"
It's stupid, but him and another friend (who don't know each other) ALWAYS do it. It's so annoying! I know they're just messing when they do, and I don't get serious so I don't know what the issue is. Oh and if the vice versa happens, this is how it goes. I thought I'd try the reverse and see how they react to it. So one day we're joking around and I'm teasing him and a couple of minutes after the laughing stopped, I go "Hey I was just kidding, don't take me seriously" and then I get a weird look " I know you're kidding, you don't need to tell me. That just kills the mood!"
Hypocrite much.
So I guess my question is, what the heck is up with that? Have I managed to find myself some weird guy friends or is that a normal phenomena?
P.S. There's this new guy on the scene who I'm slightly interested in and I don't know what to do coz I don't want to make a move, but I do your whole "I like your shirt John" crap. It gets a reaction, but he's not doing anything about it. Hmm. I muight come back to you on this one.
VictorM's advice:
Oh yes, I remember you.
About the PS guy... just make sure that his name really is "John" haha :)
These 2 guys think that girls can get overly sensitive (at least compared to them) -- and let's face it, guys can get very crass -- and are just worried that you might have been hurt (and guys don't like to hurt girls), and/or in playing with them you come across as serious, even when you're just joking. Sounds like they're going the extra mile to make sure you're not upset at them. That's not such a bad thing, is it?
By the way, I was just kidding before about the guy's name. :-p
By Sunshine, 21, from Australia:
Hey Victor, hope you remember me from a couple of months ago :)
Somethings been bugging me as of late. Nothing major at all, not really relationship related either. So it should be a pretty easy one for you!
A few guy friends of mine have this very annoying habit, if you can even call it that. Basically, just say we're in a group of friends cracking jokes and just having fun. Then I start getting teased for something stupid I did (nothing new here haha) and the guy will pull my leg, be mean and laugh at me. Which is fine, I laugh along and defend my stupid actions.
We move on to another topic and then 5 minutes later he turns to me and says "Oh by the way, I was just kidding before." Um, I KNOW! and I say "I know..and so was I? I was just playing along!"
It's stupid, but him and another friend (who don't know each other) ALWAYS do it. It's so annoying! I know they're just messing when they do, and I don't get serious so I don't know what the issue is. Oh and if the vice versa happens, this is how it goes. I thought I'd try the reverse and see how they react to it. So one day we're joking around and I'm teasing him and a couple of minutes after the laughing stopped, I go "Hey I was just kidding, don't take me seriously" and then I get a weird look " I know you're kidding, you don't need to tell me. That just kills the mood!"
Hypocrite much.
So I guess my question is, what the heck is up with that? Have I managed to find myself some weird guy friends or is that a normal phenomena?
P.S. There's this new guy on the scene who I'm slightly interested in and I don't know what to do coz I don't want to make a move, but I do your whole "I like your shirt John" crap. It gets a reaction, but he's not doing anything about it. Hmm. I muight come back to you on this one.
VictorM's advice:
Oh yes, I remember you.
About the PS guy... just make sure that his name really is "John" haha :)
These 2 guys think that girls can get overly sensitive (at least compared to them) -- and let's face it, guys can get very crass -- and are just worried that you might have been hurt (and guys don't like to hurt girls), and/or in playing with them you come across as serious, even when you're just joking. Sounds like they're going the extra mile to make sure you're not upset at them. That's not such a bad thing, is it?
By the way, I was just kidding before about the guy's name. :-p
I have just started dating an ex again
Submitted on Thursday, December 04, 2008
By wendy, 30, from boston:
I have just started dating an ex again. We have been together now for about 2 months and we live an hour apart, we have met up 4 times and talk on the phone a lot. My problem is, the other night he told me by txt that he was lonely and feeling a bit sorry for himself so I suggested that we meet should meet up again soon when he is free (he works as a chef and this is a busy time for him). Also, he has children from a previous marriage who he gets 2 days a week, so that doesn't leave much time for himself. Anyway, when I suggested meeting up again he said he would love to but because of work, kids, etc. he's not sure when he can. He then goes on to say that I'm welcome to come up and stay with him but it can only be on a Sunday night. He said that he's not trying to put me off and that he's just being honest with me, which I appreciate. I suppose my question is: is he trying to put me off or do you think he's genuine? I used to date him 10 years ago and he was always honest but people change. Or am I just being a paranoid female? lol
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Paranoid female... isn't that redundant?
(Just kidding!!)
I have no idea what his true intentions are but he's setting boundaries, and that's generally a good thing. It limits the room for misunderstandings and disappointments. Whether those boundaries are acceptable or sound suspicious, given the circumstances, only you can say.
By wendy, 30, from boston:
I have just started dating an ex again. We have been together now for about 2 months and we live an hour apart, we have met up 4 times and talk on the phone a lot. My problem is, the other night he told me by txt that he was lonely and feeling a bit sorry for himself so I suggested that we meet should meet up again soon when he is free (he works as a chef and this is a busy time for him). Also, he has children from a previous marriage who he gets 2 days a week, so that doesn't leave much time for himself. Anyway, when I suggested meeting up again he said he would love to but because of work, kids, etc. he's not sure when he can. He then goes on to say that I'm welcome to come up and stay with him but it can only be on a Sunday night. He said that he's not trying to put me off and that he's just being honest with me, which I appreciate. I suppose my question is: is he trying to put me off or do you think he's genuine? I used to date him 10 years ago and he was always honest but people change. Or am I just being a paranoid female? lol
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Paranoid female... isn't that redundant?
(Just kidding!!)
I have no idea what his true intentions are but he's setting boundaries, and that's generally a good thing. It limits the room for misunderstandings and disappointments. Whether those boundaries are acceptable or sound suspicious, given the circumstances, only you can say.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, long distance relationship, setting boundaries, visiting days
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Do you think he has changed?
Submitted on Wednesday, December 03, 2008
By candace, 20, from South:
I broke up with my boyfriend for 8 months because he had cheated on me through high school. One girl stood out. I got back together with him thinking positive that everything will be different. You says he was young and dumb and has grown up. But right before we got back together he was seeing this girl and trying to be girlfriend/boyfriend with her. As soon as I wanted our relationship to work, he dropped her just like that. Later, I found out he was texting her and telling her he was sorry and wished things would've worked out. He was texting her while cuddled up with me. Do you think he has changed and really won't cheat on me again?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible to learn from one's own mistakes, but I wouldn't bet a penny against any man not cheating, much less one that already did, and even less one that's contacting another girl while cuddling with his girlfriend.
But hey, if you feel like gambling your penny away, really, it's not that much to lose. After all, you know you can survive your boyfriend cheating -- you've done it before -- and you will know what to do if he cheats again.
But it's your penny; I'm not going to tell you how to spend it.
By candace, 20, from South:
I broke up with my boyfriend for 8 months because he had cheated on me through high school. One girl stood out. I got back together with him thinking positive that everything will be different. You says he was young and dumb and has grown up. But right before we got back together he was seeing this girl and trying to be girlfriend/boyfriend with her. As soon as I wanted our relationship to work, he dropped her just like that. Later, I found out he was texting her and telling her he was sorry and wished things would've worked out. He was texting her while cuddled up with me. Do you think he has changed and really won't cheat on me again?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible to learn from one's own mistakes, but I wouldn't bet a penny against any man not cheating, much less one that already did, and even less one that's contacting another girl while cuddling with his girlfriend.
But hey, if you feel like gambling your penny away, really, it's not that much to lose. After all, you know you can survive your boyfriend cheating -- you've done it before -- and you will know what to do if he cheats again.
But it's your penny; I'm not going to tell you how to spend it.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, cheating boyfriend, cheated before, texting another girl
I've seen this cute boy in the hallways at my school
Submitted on Wednesday, December 03, 2008
By Jane, 16, from alberta:
I've seen this cute boy in the hallways at my school a few times. I've noticed he's been looking at me when I walk in his direction, or pass him, because we hold eye contact for a few seconds. Does that mean he's interested in me? If so what should I do!?
VictorM's advice:
The eye contact means you've caught his attention, which is not the same as to say he's interested in you. But there's only one way to find out, and that's to get closer to him. So... when you make eye contact, smile. Say "Hi." If you know his name, use it ("Hi, John"). If you know topics of major interest to him, try to talk to him about it.
By Jane, 16, from alberta:
I've seen this cute boy in the hallways at my school a few times. I've noticed he's been looking at me when I walk in his direction, or pass him, because we hold eye contact for a few seconds. Does that mean he's interested in me? If so what should I do!?
VictorM's advice:
The eye contact means you've caught his attention, which is not the same as to say he's interested in you. But there's only one way to find out, and that's to get closer to him. So... when you make eye contact, smile. Say "Hi." If you know his name, use it ("Hi, John"). If you know topics of major interest to him, try to talk to him about it.
Technorati Tags: eye contact, cute guy, he is interested
He just stares at me
Submitted on Tuesday, December 02, 2008
By lori, 28, from ohio:
There is a guy that comes into my work every morning -- I've known him for about a year now -- he makes a point to talk to me about anything. OK, he is older than me and married and I am engaged, however, he talks bad about his wife to me and tells me how bad his marriage is and I talk to him about different things but he just stares at me even when he doesn't think I am watching him. Does that me he is interested in me? Please give me your advice.
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not. If he did, he wouldn't be talking to you about his wife or his marriage.
What's much more likely is that he finds you to be a good listener, attractive, and pleasant. You're a nice and fun distraction for a few minutes a day. Plus you pay him attention and make him feel important by talking to him about different things, which is very good for his ego.
Guys stare at girls for a lot of reasons, the main one being finding them attractive. But making the jump from finding one attractive to being interested in her would be a gross miscalculation in most cases. You have no idea how many girls at Hooters I stare at, but after a few minutes, I just want my damn chicken wings!
By lori, 28, from ohio:
There is a guy that comes into my work every morning -- I've known him for about a year now -- he makes a point to talk to me about anything. OK, he is older than me and married and I am engaged, however, he talks bad about his wife to me and tells me how bad his marriage is and I talk to him about different things but he just stares at me even when he doesn't think I am watching him. Does that me he is interested in me? Please give me your advice.
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not. If he did, he wouldn't be talking to you about his wife or his marriage.
What's much more likely is that he finds you to be a good listener, attractive, and pleasant. You're a nice and fun distraction for a few minutes a day. Plus you pay him attention and make him feel important by talking to him about different things, which is very good for his ego.
Guys stare at girls for a lot of reasons, the main one being finding them attractive. But making the jump from finding one attractive to being interested in her would be a gross miscalculation in most cases. You have no idea how many girls at Hooters I stare at, but after a few minutes, I just want my damn chicken wings!
Technorati Tags: is he interested, stares at me, does he like me, looks at me
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
He is 12 years younger
Submitted on Monday, December 01, 2008
By K.M, from West Coast:
Hello Victor! Recently I found your website, and your advice is very helpful, at the same time it is so much fun to read! I truly enjoy reading your website, and thank you.
I do not know what to think or do, so please help!
I am a single mother with one daughter who is seven. I am very independent and a freedom seeker, loving my life with my daughter alone in this country. I met a man through work, who is 12 years younger, living in a different city -about 5 hours plane ride from my city…I am his client. He knows that I am divorced and am a single mother and how old I am.
We have been communicating professionally, since he positioned back in April (I think). But it all changed, when I visited his company for the site inspection in July. During our breakfast meeting, he was really pleasant and polite, and we had good breakfast and conversation. But all of the sudden he started to flirt with me by saying something sexually a bit and putting his arm around me few times during the inspection… From that point on, our communication style changed. We continued to communicate by email, and he called 2 to 3 times a week at work. His message quite often led to “his exercise (sex)” issue with me. I found the conversations we had were quite funny and led me into an area of strange curiosity toward him.
In the beginning of October, he came to my city for the association convention; he surprised me by visiting my office suddenly. I freaked out and got all frozen. He said, “I am so happy to see you!!! I really wanted to surprise you!!!” but I could not say anything. He brought me a wine opener, because he knew that I really like drinking wine. I was very happy with his thoughts. After he left the office, he emailed me to call him, and we exchanged lots of messages, and finally we decided to meet and had sex at the hotel where he was staying. I believe that was his intention, because he said he wanted to do so back in July.
After that night, we did not exchange any email for a week or so, and then he started to call me at work 1-2 times a week again. Sometimes, I casually sent a message saying, “Have a good week” or “Have a good weekend!” without mentioning anything about the night we met or about us. I did send something (souvenir from my area) by Airmail with a card in the later date, thanking him for everything.
This casual but professional exchange continued. My feeling toward this man has changed once again, when (I think in the beginning of November) he emailed me saying “I kinda missed you this week!! Hope all is well. You know I really miss that smile of yours, and one can hope that your daughter has the same amazing personality of yours. xoxoxoxo :)“ I lost myself for a moment but was truly happy that he sent the message like that. It took me about 1.5 hours to reply to his email, because I did not know what to say. At the end I thanked him for sending it and said what he has written was the sweetest thing I have not heard from anyone, and I did say "...I miss you more than you think". Since then and few more email exchanges, he has become more generous and sweeter to deal with me, with no more sexual talk. When I did not email him for a week or so, he emailed and said “It has been awhile, I have not heard from you, so I want to say HI :) xox” When I replied to him asking how he was doing or about the weather in his area, he never replies (I think I have a magic of making him disappear from me), unless I ask him about something that he is expertise in (such as skiing and Ice Hockey), which I have no clue about…then he replies back to me. He often says “Hi Sweetie!” At the end of a message, he always adds “xoxoxo”.
It has been only 4 months, since this situation started. But, I must be honest that I do have special feeling for him. We work together in different cities – long distance. He does not call me everyday or email me often, which I do not mind at all because even a “once-a-week” message from him makes me just really happy, and because I have my own life with my daughter and also need time alone to relax!
From the man’s perspective, what is his intention? Is he just playing and having fun with me, or just being polite, because I am his client? I do not know what to think, therefore do not know what to do. When emotions are involved, sometimes it is hard to think clearly…my heart and head cannot be connected very well sometimes. I sometimes wonder, if I should reveal my feeling for him...but sometimes I do not want to. Would you please advice me? Please help me! Thank you so much!!
VictorM's advice:
Simple Questions: "what is his intention?"
Simple Answer: Sex and an inflated ego for seducing an older woman.
Let's see some of the problems here:
-- Ye's 12 years younger. Men his age -- I'm assuming he's in his late 20's, early 30's -- find an older woman sexually appealing (think Mrs. Robinson), but they really don't want to seriously date someone closer to their mother's age.
-- He's long distance. Men are very physical by nature and emails and phone calls don't provide the sexual satisfaction he craves.
-- Sexual encounter. The message was clearly established early on that this is a sexual relationship. It's not like sex came after an evolving romantic courtship. Sex was always the goal.
-- You're the client. He has much motivational, apart from legitimately liking you, to keeping you on the hook.
If the sex and the flirtatious attention does wonders for you, great! Keep it going. But if you think this will ever lead to anything remotely even resembling a serious relationship, you're delusional and just setting yourself up for major disappointment.
And it's not like I'm being pessimistic; I'm just being a realist: a man 12 years your junior, living far away, to whom you're a client, who gives you inconsistent attention, well... you fill in the rest.
Maybe I'm wrong, but if so, answer me this: what signs, besides pretty words and packaged thoughts, have you gotten from him that leads you to believe you mean more to him than just fun?
It's a simple question. I'll await your simple answer.
By K.M, from West Coast:
Hello Victor! Recently I found your website, and your advice is very helpful, at the same time it is so much fun to read! I truly enjoy reading your website, and thank you.
I do not know what to think or do, so please help!
I am a single mother with one daughter who is seven. I am very independent and a freedom seeker, loving my life with my daughter alone in this country. I met a man through work, who is 12 years younger, living in a different city -about 5 hours plane ride from my city…I am his client. He knows that I am divorced and am a single mother and how old I am.
We have been communicating professionally, since he positioned back in April (I think). But it all changed, when I visited his company for the site inspection in July. During our breakfast meeting, he was really pleasant and polite, and we had good breakfast and conversation. But all of the sudden he started to flirt with me by saying something sexually a bit and putting his arm around me few times during the inspection… From that point on, our communication style changed. We continued to communicate by email, and he called 2 to 3 times a week at work. His message quite often led to “his exercise (sex)” issue with me. I found the conversations we had were quite funny and led me into an area of strange curiosity toward him.
In the beginning of October, he came to my city for the association convention; he surprised me by visiting my office suddenly. I freaked out and got all frozen. He said, “I am so happy to see you!!! I really wanted to surprise you!!!” but I could not say anything. He brought me a wine opener, because he knew that I really like drinking wine. I was very happy with his thoughts. After he left the office, he emailed me to call him, and we exchanged lots of messages, and finally we decided to meet and had sex at the hotel where he was staying. I believe that was his intention, because he said he wanted to do so back in July.
After that night, we did not exchange any email for a week or so, and then he started to call me at work 1-2 times a week again. Sometimes, I casually sent a message saying, “Have a good week” or “Have a good weekend!” without mentioning anything about the night we met or about us. I did send something (souvenir from my area) by Airmail with a card in the later date, thanking him for everything.
This casual but professional exchange continued. My feeling toward this man has changed once again, when (I think in the beginning of November) he emailed me saying “I kinda missed you this week!! Hope all is well. You know I really miss that smile of yours, and one can hope that your daughter has the same amazing personality of yours. xoxoxoxo :)“ I lost myself for a moment but was truly happy that he sent the message like that. It took me about 1.5 hours to reply to his email, because I did not know what to say. At the end I thanked him for sending it and said what he has written was the sweetest thing I have not heard from anyone, and I did say "...I miss you more than you think". Since then and few more email exchanges, he has become more generous and sweeter to deal with me, with no more sexual talk. When I did not email him for a week or so, he emailed and said “It has been awhile, I have not heard from you, so I want to say HI :) xox” When I replied to him asking how he was doing or about the weather in his area, he never replies (I think I have a magic of making him disappear from me), unless I ask him about something that he is expertise in (such as skiing and Ice Hockey), which I have no clue about…then he replies back to me. He often says “Hi Sweetie!” At the end of a message, he always adds “xoxoxo”.
It has been only 4 months, since this situation started. But, I must be honest that I do have special feeling for him. We work together in different cities – long distance. He does not call me everyday or email me often, which I do not mind at all because even a “once-a-week” message from him makes me just really happy, and because I have my own life with my daughter and also need time alone to relax!
From the man’s perspective, what is his intention? Is he just playing and having fun with me, or just being polite, because I am his client? I do not know what to think, therefore do not know what to do. When emotions are involved, sometimes it is hard to think clearly…my heart and head cannot be connected very well sometimes. I sometimes wonder, if I should reveal my feeling for him...but sometimes I do not want to. Would you please advice me? Please help me! Thank you so much!!
VictorM's advice:
Simple Questions: "what is his intention?"
Simple Answer: Sex and an inflated ego for seducing an older woman.
Let's see some of the problems here:
-- Ye's 12 years younger. Men his age -- I'm assuming he's in his late 20's, early 30's -- find an older woman sexually appealing (think Mrs. Robinson), but they really don't want to seriously date someone closer to their mother's age.
-- He's long distance. Men are very physical by nature and emails and phone calls don't provide the sexual satisfaction he craves.
-- Sexual encounter. The message was clearly established early on that this is a sexual relationship. It's not like sex came after an evolving romantic courtship. Sex was always the goal.
-- You're the client. He has much motivational, apart from legitimately liking you, to keeping you on the hook.
If the sex and the flirtatious attention does wonders for you, great! Keep it going. But if you think this will ever lead to anything remotely even resembling a serious relationship, you're delusional and just setting yourself up for major disappointment.
And it's not like I'm being pessimistic; I'm just being a realist: a man 12 years your junior, living far away, to whom you're a client, who gives you inconsistent attention, well... you fill in the rest.
Maybe I'm wrong, but if so, answer me this: what signs, besides pretty words and packaged thoughts, have you gotten from him that leads you to believe you mean more to him than just fun?
It's a simple question. I'll await your simple answer.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Should I ask him or wait?
Submitted on Monday, December 01, 2008
By Harley, 14, from Danporth:
Ok, I really love this kid and he likes me back but he's too shy to ask me out. Should I ask him or wait? Will he ever?!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he hasn't asked you out yet because he's shy, but there are other possibilities. For example, he might not be ready yet for the boy/girl thing (it's very common in boys around your age to be all talk); maybe he likes you but also likes other girl (again, very common); maybe he's just doing the guy thing and taking his time to make sure he really likes you before he gets hooked.
In any case, you can push things along by being more encouraging, looking to spend time with him alone, and letting him know of places you're going to be at so he can go. For example, you can say you're going to the mall at a certain time and if he's there to make sure he says hello. This way, you get to spend time with him without really asking him out. Or you can say I'm going to see [pick a movie], should I save you a seat?
This is a better approach because boys and their egos like being the ones doing the seducing. But heck, if it feels like your whole life is going to pass you by and he doesn't make a move, go for it. Just be prepared for him turning you down, for the reasons I stated above.
By Harley, 14, from Danporth:
Ok, I really love this kid and he likes me back but he's too shy to ask me out. Should I ask him or wait? Will he ever?!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he hasn't asked you out yet because he's shy, but there are other possibilities. For example, he might not be ready yet for the boy/girl thing (it's very common in boys around your age to be all talk); maybe he likes you but also likes other girl (again, very common); maybe he's just doing the guy thing and taking his time to make sure he really likes you before he gets hooked.
In any case, you can push things along by being more encouraging, looking to spend time with him alone, and letting him know of places you're going to be at so he can go. For example, you can say you're going to the mall at a certain time and if he's there to make sure he says hello. This way, you get to spend time with him without really asking him out. Or you can say I'm going to see [pick a movie], should I save you a seat?
This is a better approach because boys and their egos like being the ones doing the seducing. But heck, if it feels like your whole life is going to pass you by and he doesn't make a move, go for it. Just be prepared for him turning you down, for the reasons I stated above.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, he's too shy, should i ask him out
He is like an angel for me
Submitted on Monday, December 01, 2008
By giorgina l., 22, from Canada:
We got to know each other in my best friend's house party. I've got drunk and suddenly went to the washroom to puke. A guy friend of my best friend, who's so attractive, masculine, and a gentleman helped me on my way to the washroom. Then, we started kissing and suddenly we make love.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize myself doing a one night stand with someone who is a stranger. I mean, never in my entire life would come to think of doing that. After that incident he search ways to contact me. Honestly, I don't know what really happened that night. I only know that I went to the washroom just to puke; then when he got a chance to talk to me he told me the story.
I can't believe a guy will tell me what really happened even if he had a chance of denying the real story. I thanked him for his honesty.
I get drunk because it was still fresh my boyfriend and I broke up. During that time I was so lonely and feeling that nobody loves me.
The guy who I met in the party was already 26 years old and had 2 kids with different women. He got married with the second mom. He had an on and off relationship for two years when I came into his life. Now, he's totally separated with the girlfriend and the wife.
We hang out and make love for sometime. He decided not to commit to the relationship because he wanted to make things not complicated for both of us. He wanted to know me better. I've decided to work but he insisted I not work and he will lend me money for my schooling. I was confused if he has feelings for me. We still have constant communications through telephone calls every night just to say how things went on and goodnight kisses.
I've already told him, it's alright to have an open relationship because he still had a girlfriend that time. But now, I think I'm falling for him. He is like an angel for me. Hope you'll help me figure out my situation.
VictorM's advice:
You went to puke and he started kissing you? Damn... I hope there's something missing from the time line.
You were so drunk that you can't remember what happened that night and yet he fucked you (come on, "make love" is not the term) and you still call him a gentleman? I do not think that word means what you think it means.
So let me get this straight... he's 26, fathered 2 children with 2 different women, has broken up with both, fucks you while you're stone drunk and without knowing who you are, doesn't want you to work, and doesn't want to commit. Do I gave that right? Because this is not a pretty picture. Do you realize that?
I don't know what your cultural background is, but it seems that your view of men and their responsibilities towards women does not match a western world model.
I don't know his true intentions about you not working and him lending you money, but quite often that is not a sign of generosity, it's a sign of control.
Anyway... he was honest with you about that first night. It's time for you to be honest with him about your feelings and your wishes. Things may not turn out the way you'd like them -- or they might, who knows -- but in any case, you seldom regret doing the right thing.
By giorgina l., 22, from Canada:
We got to know each other in my best friend's house party. I've got drunk and suddenly went to the washroom to puke. A guy friend of my best friend, who's so attractive, masculine, and a gentleman helped me on my way to the washroom. Then, we started kissing and suddenly we make love.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize myself doing a one night stand with someone who is a stranger. I mean, never in my entire life would come to think of doing that. After that incident he search ways to contact me. Honestly, I don't know what really happened that night. I only know that I went to the washroom just to puke; then when he got a chance to talk to me he told me the story.
I can't believe a guy will tell me what really happened even if he had a chance of denying the real story. I thanked him for his honesty.
I get drunk because it was still fresh my boyfriend and I broke up. During that time I was so lonely and feeling that nobody loves me.
The guy who I met in the party was already 26 years old and had 2 kids with different women. He got married with the second mom. He had an on and off relationship for two years when I came into his life. Now, he's totally separated with the girlfriend and the wife.
We hang out and make love for sometime. He decided not to commit to the relationship because he wanted to make things not complicated for both of us. He wanted to know me better. I've decided to work but he insisted I not work and he will lend me money for my schooling. I was confused if he has feelings for me. We still have constant communications through telephone calls every night just to say how things went on and goodnight kisses.
I've already told him, it's alright to have an open relationship because he still had a girlfriend that time. But now, I think I'm falling for him. He is like an angel for me. Hope you'll help me figure out my situation.
VictorM's advice:
You went to puke and he started kissing you? Damn... I hope there's something missing from the time line.
You were so drunk that you can't remember what happened that night and yet he fucked you (come on, "make love" is not the term) and you still call him a gentleman? I do not think that word means what you think it means.
So let me get this straight... he's 26, fathered 2 children with 2 different women, has broken up with both, fucks you while you're stone drunk and without knowing who you are, doesn't want you to work, and doesn't want to commit. Do I gave that right? Because this is not a pretty picture. Do you realize that?
I don't know what your cultural background is, but it seems that your view of men and their responsibilities towards women does not match a western world model.
I don't know his true intentions about you not working and him lending you money, but quite often that is not a sign of generosity, it's a sign of control.
Anyway... he was honest with you about that first night. It's time for you to be honest with him about your feelings and your wishes. Things may not turn out the way you'd like them -- or they might, who knows -- but in any case, you seldom regret doing the right thing.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, drunken sex, he doesn't want me to work, no commitment
He cried on the phone
Submitted on Monday, December 01, 2008
By shara, 35:
hi victor,
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 5 months now and things seem to be going great until recently. He's really stressed about things like work, kids, money worries, etc... I'm at a total loss of how to help him. He cried on the phone to me last night, which is not like him at all, he's usually a very strong guy. I have told him I'm here if he wants to talk but as yet he hasn't and I don't want to press him to talk to me. I'm afraid of calling him too much in case he thinks I'm mothering him or not calling enough and he thinks I've lost interest. Please, Victor, I'm worried about him and need all the advice I can get.
thanks
VictorM's advice:
Guys are problem solvers. They may get down on themselves, but nothing bruises their ego more than pity, and nothing lifts their ego like solving their own problems. Men wear difficult times like badges of honor, particularly after they worked through them by themselves.
Do not mother him with pesky advice. Do not say you're worried about him, just say you know that he can make things work out. Shed some of your female motherly instincts to protect and instead think of sports coaches (if you have to rent some sports movies, do so) and how they extol their athletes to perform better, try harder, dig deep, don't concede defeat, etc. Guys respond better to that than "well honey, the other guys are bigger, faster, more talented, it's OK to lose to them."
Really, it's time for you to get tough and simply project confidence in him. Then talk about other things. Getting his mind off the problems for a while is a good thing, and guys don't usually like to pour their heart out. Him crying to you was the exception; not talking about his problems is the norm. His silence is a sign that he's handling his problems like a man. Let him do it.
By shara, 35:
hi victor,
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 5 months now and things seem to be going great until recently. He's really stressed about things like work, kids, money worries, etc... I'm at a total loss of how to help him. He cried on the phone to me last night, which is not like him at all, he's usually a very strong guy. I have told him I'm here if he wants to talk but as yet he hasn't and I don't want to press him to talk to me. I'm afraid of calling him too much in case he thinks I'm mothering him or not calling enough and he thinks I've lost interest. Please, Victor, I'm worried about him and need all the advice I can get.
thanks
VictorM's advice:
Guys are problem solvers. They may get down on themselves, but nothing bruises their ego more than pity, and nothing lifts their ego like solving their own problems. Men wear difficult times like badges of honor, particularly after they worked through them by themselves.
Do not mother him with pesky advice. Do not say you're worried about him, just say you know that he can make things work out. Shed some of your female motherly instincts to protect and instead think of sports coaches (if you have to rent some sports movies, do so) and how they extol their athletes to perform better, try harder, dig deep, don't concede defeat, etc. Guys respond better to that than "well honey, the other guys are bigger, faster, more talented, it's OK to lose to them."
Really, it's time for you to get tough and simply project confidence in him. Then talk about other things. Getting his mind off the problems for a while is a good thing, and guys don't usually like to pour their heart out. Him crying to you was the exception; not talking about his problems is the norm. His silence is a sign that he's handling his problems like a man. Let him do it.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, long distance relationship, cried on the phone, dealing with stress
We both got extremely drunk and hooked up
Submitted on Monday, December 01, 2008
By Tara K, 25:
I asked a question a couple of weeks back, under the heading "I hooked up with a guy after a very drunken party". Update on the situation, I backed off for a couple of weeks, we had some small friendly exchanges by text but didn't meet up. I asked him to meet up once but he was busy. This weekend we met a friend's birthday party where once again, we both got extremely drunk and hooked up. However at one point during the night, I started crying because I was conflicted about liking him yet not wanting to go all the way - this brought up bad memories of a previous relationship which I very inappropriately told him about. He was very sweet about it, kissed me, held me etc but after a bit decided not to stay the night and left. The next day I texted him to thank him for being nice, and he saw me in a mall (I didn't see him) so he rang me to say hi. I texted him again today to see if he could hang out and he said he was meeting someone. This sounded evasive to me and I thought he might be faking it so as not to have to see me. I texted him to ask if I should stop suggesting we hang out, and he didn't reply. By this time I was freaking out and figured I had nothing to lose by calling, so I called him. I managed to keep it calm and just asked if he had saw my text. He said yes he had, and that he hadn't gotten around to replying to it (and he's usually very quick to respond) and said no he wasn't avoiding me, he had really been very busy. He asked if I wanted to talk to him over the phone so we ended up discussing what was happening. I said I was very confused about what was going on, and that I was getting very attached to him, and then I started crying. Once again he was very sweet but he said he was looking for a serious girlfriend to settle down with, and could only offer a casual relationship until he had found the right person. I said I would be ok with casual dating but not a friends with benefits situation. However he said it had already gotten so complicated and he felt I was looking for much more, and that even if we casually dated it "just didn't feel right". He had to leave to meet his friend but after we hung up, he sent a text to say he was sorry for making me upset and that he was upset by the conversation too.
I don't understand why he seems to be attracted to me, wants to sleep with me if the occasion arises, obviously likes and respects me as a person, but he won't just give casual dating a try. Possibly that mysterious "something" is missing, but I don't think I am kidding myself if I say we're not too far off and it could happen if he was a bit more open to the idea. I am leaving next week to go home for Christmas break. Is it OK to ask him to hang out a little more just as friends for this week? I honestly think it would make me feel better to be in his company, doing something fun, and I think eventually I would get over this attachment and move on. I don't know how it would come across to him though. He's obviously being very sweet and nice at the moment, and not wanting to hurt me, but I don't want to push it. I seem to be a lot further along than he is in my head and I don't want to be a clingy female but I feel that if I don't make a move, nothing will happen and I'll just keep on feeling lousy and miserable.
VictorM's advice:
1. Guys like to fuck around with party girls but they don't want them as the mother of their children.
2. He knows that trying casual friendship is nothing but a female trap. He's not falling for it.
3. If you want to be taken seriously, stop getting extremely drunk. Hell, stop getting drunk, period. And stop fucking around.
You are right that if you don't make a move nothing will happen. That's because he's been very clear with you about not being interested in you. Guys can very easily temporarily enjoy the company of a girl that they can't imagine being serious about.
So try contacting him if you want but you're wasting your time and chances are that you'll just push him further away because although you say you don't want to be clingy, that's exactly what your action will come across as.
Here's my advice: go home for Christmas, get counseling, find better friends, get your life together (these drunken stupors are signs of much imbalance in your life), then, and only then, you might be more appealing to guys like him.
By Tara K, 25:
I asked a question a couple of weeks back, under the heading "I hooked up with a guy after a very drunken party". Update on the situation, I backed off for a couple of weeks, we had some small friendly exchanges by text but didn't meet up. I asked him to meet up once but he was busy. This weekend we met a friend's birthday party where once again, we both got extremely drunk and hooked up. However at one point during the night, I started crying because I was conflicted about liking him yet not wanting to go all the way - this brought up bad memories of a previous relationship which I very inappropriately told him about. He was very sweet about it, kissed me, held me etc but after a bit decided not to stay the night and left. The next day I texted him to thank him for being nice, and he saw me in a mall (I didn't see him) so he rang me to say hi. I texted him again today to see if he could hang out and he said he was meeting someone. This sounded evasive to me and I thought he might be faking it so as not to have to see me. I texted him to ask if I should stop suggesting we hang out, and he didn't reply. By this time I was freaking out and figured I had nothing to lose by calling, so I called him. I managed to keep it calm and just asked if he had saw my text. He said yes he had, and that he hadn't gotten around to replying to it (and he's usually very quick to respond) and said no he wasn't avoiding me, he had really been very busy. He asked if I wanted to talk to him over the phone so we ended up discussing what was happening. I said I was very confused about what was going on, and that I was getting very attached to him, and then I started crying. Once again he was very sweet but he said he was looking for a serious girlfriend to settle down with, and could only offer a casual relationship until he had found the right person. I said I would be ok with casual dating but not a friends with benefits situation. However he said it had already gotten so complicated and he felt I was looking for much more, and that even if we casually dated it "just didn't feel right". He had to leave to meet his friend but after we hung up, he sent a text to say he was sorry for making me upset and that he was upset by the conversation too.
I don't understand why he seems to be attracted to me, wants to sleep with me if the occasion arises, obviously likes and respects me as a person, but he won't just give casual dating a try. Possibly that mysterious "something" is missing, but I don't think I am kidding myself if I say we're not too far off and it could happen if he was a bit more open to the idea. I am leaving next week to go home for Christmas break. Is it OK to ask him to hang out a little more just as friends for this week? I honestly think it would make me feel better to be in his company, doing something fun, and I think eventually I would get over this attachment and move on. I don't know how it would come across to him though. He's obviously being very sweet and nice at the moment, and not wanting to hurt me, but I don't want to push it. I seem to be a lot further along than he is in my head and I don't want to be a clingy female but I feel that if I don't make a move, nothing will happen and I'll just keep on feeling lousy and miserable.
VictorM's advice:
1. Guys like to fuck around with party girls but they don't want them as the mother of their children.
2. He knows that trying casual friendship is nothing but a female trap. He's not falling for it.
3. If you want to be taken seriously, stop getting extremely drunk. Hell, stop getting drunk, period. And stop fucking around.
You are right that if you don't make a move nothing will happen. That's because he's been very clear with you about not being interested in you. Guys can very easily temporarily enjoy the company of a girl that they can't imagine being serious about.
So try contacting him if you want but you're wasting your time and chances are that you'll just push him further away because although you say you don't want to be clingy, that's exactly what your action will come across as.
Here's my advice: go home for Christmas, get counseling, find better friends, get your life together (these drunken stupors are signs of much imbalance in your life), then, and only then, you might be more appealing to guys like him.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, drunken sex, getting drunk, more than friends
I did a dumb thing yesterday
Submitted on Monday, December 01, 2008
By tami, 40, from Md:
I have been dating this great guy for a month now, we first met in person on Thanksgiving and had a great day! He is currently 3 months separated from his wife and she has moved out etc. We have spent a lot of time together and he texts me everyday. Well, I did a dumb thing yesterday and said I only wanted to see him and no one else. His reply: he likes me a lot but needs time. What does that mean? Does he just need the time to heal from what this terrible person did to him or am I wasting my time and need to move on from this situation? I really like him and I know we could have a great relationship. I don't know what to do. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
You need to come back to the real world from the cloud nine, rose-colored glasses, castles in the sky, romantic novel induced world that you're living in.
You've known him in person for a little over one week and he's a "great guy," and you know you can have a "great relationship," and even know that his ex is a "terrible person" (there's always multiple sides to every story and you've only heard one side; don't be so quick to judge). Come on! You know jack about this guy.
It takes a lot longer than a couple of weeks to get to know a person, to break through their courtship personality and find out their true selves. How does he behave when he's angry? How quickly does he lose his temper? How attentive with you will he be after he's secured in the relationship? How does he manage his finances? What bad habits, addictions, personality flaws is he hiding from you? How smelly are his farts?
For crying out loud, stop projecting your view of perfection into a man who's trying to do the right thing and tell you that you're simply getting way ahead of yourself. You, like a typical female, want to go full speed ahead into commitment and exclusivity, and he, like a typical male, wants to get to know you a lot better before he even considers a relationship. That, by itself, is a very normal attitude by guys but when you tack on that he's not even divorced yet, it makes his desire to apply the breaks even more logical.
It's amazing to me that you think he's so great and are so willing to jump into a relationship and yet, after one answer from him that you didn't like, you're wondering if you should move on from this situation. So far, your sense of commitment is far shakier than his.
Step back. Let him work through his divorce. Continue to get to know him, preferably without the projection of perfection. Cultivate your own puzzle of happiness with your friends, hobbies, work, family, personal growth (I would encourage you to practice patience, learn to balance your feelings, and temper down your prejudgments), with him as just another piece of the puzzle, a piece that may or may not fit in the long run.
By tami, 40, from Md:
I have been dating this great guy for a month now, we first met in person on Thanksgiving and had a great day! He is currently 3 months separated from his wife and she has moved out etc. We have spent a lot of time together and he texts me everyday. Well, I did a dumb thing yesterday and said I only wanted to see him and no one else. His reply: he likes me a lot but needs time. What does that mean? Does he just need the time to heal from what this terrible person did to him or am I wasting my time and need to move on from this situation? I really like him and I know we could have a great relationship. I don't know what to do. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
You need to come back to the real world from the cloud nine, rose-colored glasses, castles in the sky, romantic novel induced world that you're living in.
You've known him in person for a little over one week and he's a "great guy," and you know you can have a "great relationship," and even know that his ex is a "terrible person" (there's always multiple sides to every story and you've only heard one side; don't be so quick to judge). Come on! You know jack about this guy.
It takes a lot longer than a couple of weeks to get to know a person, to break through their courtship personality and find out their true selves. How does he behave when he's angry? How quickly does he lose his temper? How attentive with you will he be after he's secured in the relationship? How does he manage his finances? What bad habits, addictions, personality flaws is he hiding from you? How smelly are his farts?
For crying out loud, stop projecting your view of perfection into a man who's trying to do the right thing and tell you that you're simply getting way ahead of yourself. You, like a typical female, want to go full speed ahead into commitment and exclusivity, and he, like a typical male, wants to get to know you a lot better before he even considers a relationship. That, by itself, is a very normal attitude by guys but when you tack on that he's not even divorced yet, it makes his desire to apply the breaks even more logical.
It's amazing to me that you think he's so great and are so willing to jump into a relationship and yet, after one answer from him that you didn't like, you're wondering if you should move on from this situation. So far, your sense of commitment is far shakier than his.
Step back. Let him work through his divorce. Continue to get to know him, preferably without the projection of perfection. Cultivate your own puzzle of happiness with your friends, hobbies, work, family, personal growth (I would encourage you to practice patience, learn to balance your feelings, and temper down your prejudgments), with him as just another piece of the puzzle, a piece that may or may not fit in the long run.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, he needs time, should i move on
Monday, December 01, 2008
We ended up going to Denny's
Submitted on Sunday, November 30, 2008
By Michelle, 22, from California:
I've been getting mixed signals from a guy I've known for the past month and a half. I'm naturally a touchy person. One night he told me, "I'm telling you this as a friend, I'm not a touchy feely kind of guy." But when we had first gone out, he had pinched my cheek and poked my stomach. The week before that, we talked on the phone about 3 or 4 times, all lasting between 30 minutes to an hour and it'd be the last thing he does before going to bed. The night after I got that comment, he called me and asked me if I had any plans for the night and suggested that we go see a movie. Nothing good was on, so he told me to go to his place and that we'd go to a reading lounge together. We ended up going to Denny's. He brought material for work and I brought a book, both of us clearly having objectives. He ended up breaking the silence quite frequently. He asked how my brother was doing, how I got into geology, when was the last time I played my flute, and just talked a lot more than reading. We've gone out at least 7 times in the past month and a half and they were all initiated by him. Last weekend, we spent an hour and a half shopping for his new apartment, and then shared lunch and chocolate from a little chocolate store in midtown. My question is does he like me, is he interested in me, or am I just a friend?
VictorM's advice:
Your question is really three, isn't it? Anyway, the answers are yes, yes, not likely.
What's happening is that he's moving at guy-speed. That means, getting to know you at a slow pace, being careful not to get into "relationship territory" too soon. Guys like to stay loose and not committed during the courtship phase just to make sure that you're worth giving up his freedom for before he's ready to take the plunge.
He's definitely checking you for size, alright. But don't expect him to rush.
By Michelle, 22, from California:
I've been getting mixed signals from a guy I've known for the past month and a half. I'm naturally a touchy person. One night he told me, "I'm telling you this as a friend, I'm not a touchy feely kind of guy." But when we had first gone out, he had pinched my cheek and poked my stomach. The week before that, we talked on the phone about 3 or 4 times, all lasting between 30 minutes to an hour and it'd be the last thing he does before going to bed. The night after I got that comment, he called me and asked me if I had any plans for the night and suggested that we go see a movie. Nothing good was on, so he told me to go to his place and that we'd go to a reading lounge together. We ended up going to Denny's. He brought material for work and I brought a book, both of us clearly having objectives. He ended up breaking the silence quite frequently. He asked how my brother was doing, how I got into geology, when was the last time I played my flute, and just talked a lot more than reading. We've gone out at least 7 times in the past month and a half and they were all initiated by him. Last weekend, we spent an hour and a half shopping for his new apartment, and then shared lunch and chocolate from a little chocolate store in midtown. My question is does he like me, is he interested in me, or am I just a friend?
VictorM's advice:
Your question is really three, isn't it? Anyway, the answers are yes, yes, not likely.
What's happening is that he's moving at guy-speed. That means, getting to know you at a slow pace, being careful not to get into "relationship territory" too soon. Guys like to stay loose and not committed during the courtship phase just to make sure that you're worth giving up his freedom for before he's ready to take the plunge.
He's definitely checking you for size, alright. But don't expect him to rush.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, moving slowly, is he interested
What can i do to win him over?
Submitted on Sunday, November 30, 2008
By Special, 35, from australia:
I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. We ended the relationship about 4 weeks ago. During that time he met someone else, even though we were still living together. It hurt me deeply, hence the reason why he didn't fight for our relationship. I haven't moved on obviously. Since then we have been seeing each other a little bit. Although his interest is for the other woman. I told him that I still love him and he said that he only has love for me, and that we are not right for each other at the moment. He also told me that he is happy to see me but not out in public. That hurt me deeply because I don't want to be the other woman, and it was like he cared more about her feelings than mine. It didn't seem to matter to him, even tho we have had a history for 2 years, and he has only known her for 5 minutes. He got angry and said I'm going and we can't be friends and I'm not coming back. I feel worse than before and I have put my foot in it for asking and now it has ended badly and I want him to want me again.
Any advice would help a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Well, more often than not, when attraction for another dies it's like toothpaste -- once out of the tube you can't put it back in. So frankly, you had your chance and things didn't work out.
But, if you want to get in the mix again, remember that guys like obstacles and challenges. Gushing over him will most likely just turn him off even more, as you have discovered.
Your best odds of getting him are if you stop thinking of getting him, and instead focus on yourself.
Ever had the desire to change your haircut? Ever considered wearing shorter skirts, or bolder colors, or more/less make-up? This is the time to do it. Do what makes you feel happy. Do what you've always craved to do. Make new friends, find new hobbies, go to new places... anything that will refresh your life and make you feel sexier, smarter, healthier, confident, happy... nothing attracts guys like a woman in control of herself.
By Special, 35, from australia:
I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. We ended the relationship about 4 weeks ago. During that time he met someone else, even though we were still living together. It hurt me deeply, hence the reason why he didn't fight for our relationship. I haven't moved on obviously. Since then we have been seeing each other a little bit. Although his interest is for the other woman. I told him that I still love him and he said that he only has love for me, and that we are not right for each other at the moment. He also told me that he is happy to see me but not out in public. That hurt me deeply because I don't want to be the other woman, and it was like he cared more about her feelings than mine. It didn't seem to matter to him, even tho we have had a history for 2 years, and he has only known her for 5 minutes. He got angry and said I'm going and we can't be friends and I'm not coming back. I feel worse than before and I have put my foot in it for asking and now it has ended badly and I want him to want me again.
Any advice would help a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Well, more often than not, when attraction for another dies it's like toothpaste -- once out of the tube you can't put it back in. So frankly, you had your chance and things didn't work out.
But, if you want to get in the mix again, remember that guys like obstacles and challenges. Gushing over him will most likely just turn him off even more, as you have discovered.
Your best odds of getting him are if you stop thinking of getting him, and instead focus on yourself.
Ever had the desire to change your haircut? Ever considered wearing shorter skirts, or bolder colors, or more/less make-up? This is the time to do it. Do what makes you feel happy. Do what you've always craved to do. Make new friends, find new hobbies, go to new places... anything that will refresh your life and make you feel sexier, smarter, healthier, confident, happy... nothing attracts guys like a woman in control of herself.
Technorati Tags: getting ex boyfriend back, attracting him, getting him back
What guys are looking for in a girlfriend
Submitted on Sunday, November 30, 2008
By Olivia, 27, from California:
I am a little bit curious what guys are looking for in a girlfriend. What kind of qualities are important? How important is looks? Does is matter for guys what occupations their girlfriend has, is there a occupation that guys prefer more then others? How important is it for guys what kind of clothes their girlfriend wear? Is it important for guys that their friend like and get along with their girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
The particulars vary from guy to guy but this one thing is consistent: A guy likes a girlfriend that makes him feel good about himself when he's in her company (the same applies to girls about their boyfriends, by the way).
So, when you dress to impress other females, or to impress other guys, there's a good chance you're not making your boyfriend feel very good about himself. But, some guys are confident enough to like being with a woman who looks very sexy, and some guys are not. That's what you have to learn about each guy, not only about clothing but just about everything else.
We also tend to have dating parameters that narrow down our interests. Generally, people are most attracted to people more like themselves. So, things like age, height, weight, education, income level, religion, politics, etc. while we don't have to nail them all, we tend to stick within a narrow range of comfort. There are exceptions, of course, but if a guy is 6'8" chances are that he won't be very comfortable with a woman who is 5'1". A guy who is a janitor isn't likely to feel good about himself dating a lawyer or a doctor, a guy making $7.50 an hour isn't going to feel great with a woman making $200,000 a year (I'm not even including the possibility of machismo, I'm just referring to dating parameters). This has nothing to do with anyone being better or worse than anyone else, it has to do with levels of comfort about ourselves.
Then there's the whole opposites attract thing. That is about inadequacies we feel about ourselves that the other person can compensate for, not about dating parameters. For example, someone who is 5'1" (weight being a dating parameter) and they feel inadequate because they think they're too short, they aren't going to feel better going with a much taller person, because if anything, it just highlights their inadequacy. But, in the case of shyness (not a dating parameter), for example, being with an outgoing person, if it makes the shy person's life easier, attraction happens. A word of caution here: lots of people think that shy people will always feel attracted to outgoing people. That's not the case. It's only more prone to happen if the shy person feels inadequate about their own shyness. Some shy people are perfectly happy being shy and so attraction to an outgoing person isn't as likely. The thing is that many times we don't even realize the kinds of inadequate feelings that makes us vulnerable to other people's attributes. Learning these about ourselves is a great tool for changing who we get attracted to. Meaning, a shy person who feels inadequate about their shyness can work on being less shy and if they succeed, that'll change who they get attracted to.
If you accept that the task of finding a good mate is not an easy one and that mister right isn't that easy to come by, you'd be less apt to waste your energies on relationships that are going nowhere in favor of searching for one with better possibilities. And while the task is hard, the two questions that should help you decide, are: 1) do I feel good about myself around this guy? and 2) Are the things that make him feel good about himself things I can be happy doing? Of course, love, trust, and massively mind-blowing orgasms would be pluses. :)
By Olivia, 27, from California:
I am a little bit curious what guys are looking for in a girlfriend. What kind of qualities are important? How important is looks? Does is matter for guys what occupations their girlfriend has, is there a occupation that guys prefer more then others? How important is it for guys what kind of clothes their girlfriend wear? Is it important for guys that their friend like and get along with their girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
The particulars vary from guy to guy but this one thing is consistent: A guy likes a girlfriend that makes him feel good about himself when he's in her company (the same applies to girls about their boyfriends, by the way).
So, when you dress to impress other females, or to impress other guys, there's a good chance you're not making your boyfriend feel very good about himself. But, some guys are confident enough to like being with a woman who looks very sexy, and some guys are not. That's what you have to learn about each guy, not only about clothing but just about everything else.
We also tend to have dating parameters that narrow down our interests. Generally, people are most attracted to people more like themselves. So, things like age, height, weight, education, income level, religion, politics, etc. while we don't have to nail them all, we tend to stick within a narrow range of comfort. There are exceptions, of course, but if a guy is 6'8" chances are that he won't be very comfortable with a woman who is 5'1". A guy who is a janitor isn't likely to feel good about himself dating a lawyer or a doctor, a guy making $7.50 an hour isn't going to feel great with a woman making $200,000 a year (I'm not even including the possibility of machismo, I'm just referring to dating parameters). This has nothing to do with anyone being better or worse than anyone else, it has to do with levels of comfort about ourselves.
Then there's the whole opposites attract thing. That is about inadequacies we feel about ourselves that the other person can compensate for, not about dating parameters. For example, someone who is 5'1" (weight being a dating parameter) and they feel inadequate because they think they're too short, they aren't going to feel better going with a much taller person, because if anything, it just highlights their inadequacy. But, in the case of shyness (not a dating parameter), for example, being with an outgoing person, if it makes the shy person's life easier, attraction happens. A word of caution here: lots of people think that shy people will always feel attracted to outgoing people. That's not the case. It's only more prone to happen if the shy person feels inadequate about their own shyness. Some shy people are perfectly happy being shy and so attraction to an outgoing person isn't as likely. The thing is that many times we don't even realize the kinds of inadequate feelings that makes us vulnerable to other people's attributes. Learning these about ourselves is a great tool for changing who we get attracted to. Meaning, a shy person who feels inadequate about their shyness can work on being less shy and if they succeed, that'll change who they get attracted to.
If you accept that the task of finding a good mate is not an easy one and that mister right isn't that easy to come by, you'd be less apt to waste your energies on relationships that are going nowhere in favor of searching for one with better possibilities. And while the task is hard, the two questions that should help you decide, are: 1) do I feel good about myself around this guy? and 2) Are the things that make him feel good about himself things I can be happy doing? Of course, love, trust, and massively mind-blowing orgasms would be pluses. :)
Technorati Tags: what to look for, opposites attract, dating parameters, finding mister right
