Sunday, November 30, 2008
I'd like to get to know him better
Submitted on Sunday, November 30, 2008
By M, 15:
Hello!
I think I have a crush on a guy. He's 2 years older than me and a really cool and fun guy. We have similar hobbies too and all. The problem is that I've only talked to him on msn. He also seems a bit distant most of the time, but there are times when he opens up more and talks a lot. But he has also said he doesn't want a relationship. I didn't confess to him or anything, we were talking about some other things and he just mentioned it. Do you think he really meant the thing about not wanting a girlfriend? And what should I do? I'd like to get to know him better. Not to mention that I really really like him :)
Thanks for your time,
M
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally say they don't want a relationship. That's because guys much prefer to know a girl for a while before committing to her. Girls, of course, tend to do the opposite and hook the guy right away. So he's really just trying to slow you down, not rule you out.
Attraction is never about the other person but about how you feel about yourself around that person. So, make him feel good about himself when he's with you and he'll have a hard time resisting you. And the best ways to make a guy feel good about himself are: simple, sincere compliments, and showing an interest on things that he knows a lot about.
Of course, dispensing with compliments and attention in the right measure is the trick, but it's your job to learn what makes him tick. Just whatever you do, don't try to rush him into a relationship. Keep your feelings to yourself for now, smile, compliment, listen, and be fun and easy going.
Easy, right? :)
By M, 15:
Hello!
I think I have a crush on a guy. He's 2 years older than me and a really cool and fun guy. We have similar hobbies too and all. The problem is that I've only talked to him on msn. He also seems a bit distant most of the time, but there are times when he opens up more and talks a lot. But he has also said he doesn't want a relationship. I didn't confess to him or anything, we were talking about some other things and he just mentioned it. Do you think he really meant the thing about not wanting a girlfriend? And what should I do? I'd like to get to know him better. Not to mention that I really really like him :)
Thanks for your time,
M
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally say they don't want a relationship. That's because guys much prefer to know a girl for a while before committing to her. Girls, of course, tend to do the opposite and hook the guy right away. So he's really just trying to slow you down, not rule you out.
Attraction is never about the other person but about how you feel about yourself around that person. So, make him feel good about himself when he's with you and he'll have a hard time resisting you. And the best ways to make a guy feel good about himself are: simple, sincere compliments, and showing an interest on things that he knows a lot about.
Of course, dispensing with compliments and attention in the right measure is the trick, but it's your job to learn what makes him tick. Just whatever you do, don't try to rush him into a relationship. Keep your feelings to yourself for now, smile, compliment, listen, and be fun and easy going.
Easy, right? :)
Technorati Tags: dating advice, not interested in a relationship, getting to know him
He doesn't like when I touch him
Submitted on Saturday, November 29, 2008
By Misty, from St.Louis,MO:
Okay so, it seems lately, ever since October, that my boyfriend Aaron seems to not like it when I touch him. He has no trouble with kissing or hugging, and we've gone all the way before. But whenever I hint to a deep kiss or wanting to touch him, he gets really quiet, as in, not saying a word. Does he not like it when I touch him anymore, or does it seem like I'm forcing him?
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he never really liked you touching him but since he was courting you he was putting up with it. Now that he's secured about you being into him, he's allowing his more natural self to come through. The kissing and the hugging are probably fine because they are pleasant to him in a sexual stimulation kind of way, but the displays of affection, however, are a different story.
If you don't like this about him, try talking to him to come to an understanding of what's on his mind when you touch him and what his views on the subject are. Maybe you can work things out, maybe not. But don't dismiss this discrepancy on your displays of affection preferences because chances are it will play a major role in your relationship.
One other possibility: if he's avoiding you or spending less time with you, consider that this touching change could mean he's losing interest in you.
By Misty, from St.Louis,MO:
Okay so, it seems lately, ever since October, that my boyfriend Aaron seems to not like it when I touch him. He has no trouble with kissing or hugging, and we've gone all the way before. But whenever I hint to a deep kiss or wanting to touch him, he gets really quiet, as in, not saying a word. Does he not like it when I touch him anymore, or does it seem like I'm forcing him?
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he never really liked you touching him but since he was courting you he was putting up with it. Now that he's secured about you being into him, he's allowing his more natural self to come through. The kissing and the hugging are probably fine because they are pleasant to him in a sexual stimulation kind of way, but the displays of affection, however, are a different story.
If you don't like this about him, try talking to him to come to an understanding of what's on his mind when you touch him and what his views on the subject are. Maybe you can work things out, maybe not. But don't dismiss this discrepancy on your displays of affection preferences because chances are it will play a major role in your relationship.
One other possibility: if he's avoiding you or spending less time with you, consider that this touching change could mean he's losing interest in you.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, doesn't like touching
Saturday, November 29, 2008
He said he was not ready for a relationship just yet
Submitted on Saturday, November 29, 2008
By Kylie, 25, from Australia:
I have been friends with this male for 1 year now. We speak nearly every day, texts sometimes just to see what i'm up to ending in a wink, email at work everyday, go out to casual dinners, days at the beach together have met his family he has met mine, we've met each others friends. Some time ago i told him i had feelings and he said he was not ready for a relationship just yet as at that time was recent after his breakup said i need my time as he needed his..but would love to remain friends.. tho i'm going crazy with my feelings..People always say oh are you two a couple we are always clarifying we are not.
He always compliments me on the hair, clothes etc and remembers little things i told him a long time ago. Recently when out with friends kept telling me i'm No.1 and was a bit touchy feely on my bottom, ignoring his female friends at the club and staying with me and my friends. We sleep over each other house every few weeks but only spoon or sleep in the same bed.
Is this something that friends do, i'm thinking not.. i think he might be shy to reveal his true feelings or scared how i will react cause he thinks i'm happy with is just remaining friends.
I need some assistance in some sure signs from a male perspective that he may like a woman?
VictorM's advice:
He's not afraid to reveal his feelings, he just doesn't have romantic feelings for you. And he has no doubt about how you'd react, after all, you've confessed your feelings for him already .
What's happening is that from his point of view you're the safe, comfortable, fun to be with woman that makes for a great transitional partner. And that's all that you are. Could his feelings change and could he still fall in love with you? He could, but that's much more likely to happen in romance novels or in the movies than it is in real life. What's more likely is that he'll find a girlfriend and you'll be left wondering what happened.
Guys are very happy carrying on a friendship like yours, for years even, as long as there's no emotional involvement. He can recognize your physical attractiveness and at times have a stronger reaction to your appearance -- which explains his compliments and attention to your bottom -- but as long as he avoids emotional attachment, you have nothing in terms of a relationship.
By Kylie, 25, from Australia:
I have been friends with this male for 1 year now. We speak nearly every day, texts sometimes just to see what i'm up to ending in a wink, email at work everyday, go out to casual dinners, days at the beach together have met his family he has met mine, we've met each others friends. Some time ago i told him i had feelings and he said he was not ready for a relationship just yet as at that time was recent after his breakup said i need my time as he needed his..but would love to remain friends.. tho i'm going crazy with my feelings..People always say oh are you two a couple we are always clarifying we are not.
He always compliments me on the hair, clothes etc and remembers little things i told him a long time ago. Recently when out with friends kept telling me i'm No.1 and was a bit touchy feely on my bottom, ignoring his female friends at the club and staying with me and my friends. We sleep over each other house every few weeks but only spoon or sleep in the same bed.
Is this something that friends do, i'm thinking not.. i think he might be shy to reveal his true feelings or scared how i will react cause he thinks i'm happy with is just remaining friends.
I need some assistance in some sure signs from a male perspective that he may like a woman?
VictorM's advice:
He's not afraid to reveal his feelings, he just doesn't have romantic feelings for you. And he has no doubt about how you'd react, after all, you've confessed your feelings for him already .
What's happening is that from his point of view you're the safe, comfortable, fun to be with woman that makes for a great transitional partner. And that's all that you are. Could his feelings change and could he still fall in love with you? He could, but that's much more likely to happen in romance novels or in the movies than it is in real life. What's more likely is that he'll find a girlfriend and you'll be left wondering what happened.
Guys are very happy carrying on a friendship like yours, for years even, as long as there's no emotional involvement. He can recognize your physical attractiveness and at times have a stronger reaction to your appearance -- which explains his compliments and attention to your bottom -- but as long as he avoids emotional attachment, you have nothing in terms of a relationship.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, not ready for relationship, feelings for a friend
He was the Love of My Life!
Submitted on Friday, November 28, 2008
By Goodbyegal, 53, from Florida:
My man of 10 years just started fighting with me and putting me down out of the blue.We "never" had bad words to each other, no arguments in the entire relationship .Things were great .I became only a of shell of myself I lost all self esteem. I soon found out that he met a woman who had "just" been released from a Federal Prison and was in a federal Half Way House.She had spent 6 years for trafficking Crack through 3 States, has an extensive record that also includes Violence, got pregnant while in Prison. She still has 5 more years Probation to do. He got her a house, furnished it, paid all her fines and Probation Fee's.Got her custody of her child, had her teeth all fixed, bought her a car and lives with her now.Let me add that this man is anti drug! I just don't understand.She isn't any Beauty Queen,she is actually pretty scary looking.He's 65, she is 44.The child is 6 and he used to get upset when the my or his Grandchildren used to be around for too long.What happened here? I am so confused! I can't seem to get over this! For some reason I worry about him.This is so out of character. He was the Love of My Life!
VictorM's advice:
This has nothing to do with my answer but I noticed that you seldom put a space after a period. Interesting punctuation peculiarity.
Sounds like he got tired of the life he had and went in a different direction. Maybe his current behavior is not out of character; maybe 10 years without arguments and bad words was the anomaly. He may have been the love of your life but maybe you weren't his. Maybe he got tired of comfortable and was lured by passion.
You say you worry about him but maybe he got tired of that motherly instinct and instead of being a "son" to you, he wants to be a "father" to someone else and helped her, guide her, heal her. Maybe he feels more useful, more alive, this way.
Maybe his bad language and arguments with you lately are similar to a teenage boy who comes to an age when he feels the need to rebel against his mother. Your continued worrying about him is exactly the one thing that he rejects the most about you. The more you do it, the more he's driven away from you.
Let him go! Stop protecting him. Be mad. Tell him to go fuck himself. Stop being his mom... if you even can.
I have no idea if there is anything that will bring him back or if you two could even be happy, but right now he wants a fun, free-wheeling, dangerous, vulnerable, wilder partner to bring back the excitement he associates with youth and/or passion at a time when old age is taking a firmer grasp of his body.
Please don't read anything I said as to mean that there's anything wrong with you, but that's not what he's after. And remember one more thing: there is nothing that says only one man can be the love of your life.
By Goodbyegal, 53, from Florida:
My man of 10 years just started fighting with me and putting me down out of the blue.We "never" had bad words to each other, no arguments in the entire relationship .Things were great .I became only a of shell of myself I lost all self esteem. I soon found out that he met a woman who had "just" been released from a Federal Prison and was in a federal Half Way House.She had spent 6 years for trafficking Crack through 3 States, has an extensive record that also includes Violence, got pregnant while in Prison. She still has 5 more years Probation to do. He got her a house, furnished it, paid all her fines and Probation Fee's.Got her custody of her child, had her teeth all fixed, bought her a car and lives with her now.Let me add that this man is anti drug! I just don't understand.She isn't any Beauty Queen,she is actually pretty scary looking.He's 65, she is 44.The child is 6 and he used to get upset when the my or his Grandchildren used to be around for too long.What happened here? I am so confused! I can't seem to get over this! For some reason I worry about him.This is so out of character. He was the Love of My Life!
VictorM's advice:
This has nothing to do with my answer but I noticed that you seldom put a space after a period. Interesting punctuation peculiarity.
Sounds like he got tired of the life he had and went in a different direction. Maybe his current behavior is not out of character; maybe 10 years without arguments and bad words was the anomaly. He may have been the love of your life but maybe you weren't his. Maybe he got tired of comfortable and was lured by passion.
You say you worry about him but maybe he got tired of that motherly instinct and instead of being a "son" to you, he wants to be a "father" to someone else and helped her, guide her, heal her. Maybe he feels more useful, more alive, this way.
Maybe his bad language and arguments with you lately are similar to a teenage boy who comes to an age when he feels the need to rebel against his mother. Your continued worrying about him is exactly the one thing that he rejects the most about you. The more you do it, the more he's driven away from you.
Let him go! Stop protecting him. Be mad. Tell him to go fuck himself. Stop being his mom... if you even can.
I have no idea if there is anything that will bring him back or if you two could even be happy, but right now he wants a fun, free-wheeling, dangerous, vulnerable, wilder partner to bring back the excitement he associates with youth and/or passion at a time when old age is taking a firmer grasp of his body.
Please don't read anything I said as to mean that there's anything wrong with you, but that's not what he's after. And remember one more thing: there is nothing that says only one man can be the love of your life.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, was the love of my life, lost self esteem, met another woman
Friday, November 28, 2008
40 and single
Submitted on Thursday, November 27, 2008
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
Re: my 40 year old boyfriend.
Ok I told him oh I see the updated the marathon website with the results and then I said it says you are 40. How old are you and he said 40 right away. I mentioned that I think his profile was different and he asked how old it says he was. So I told him 37. He said that when he originally signed up he put did put the wrong age and he said he had tried to change it recently. I didn't push too much more because he said his actual age right away so he wasn't lying to my face.
Anyway, we get along really well. This past evening we played scrabble which he likes a lot for a few hours and then had sex. We actually had sex two times along with oral sex on both accounts. He was joking that I was tiring him out. Actually I left close to 1am which is kind of bad for him because he watches the market as a part of his job (but not dictated by it).
He told me he has had two 4 year relationships and a couple 2 year ones too. His last relationship was 2 years and ended 1.5 years ago. He really thinks my body is perfect but he jokes when we have sex because he mentions how he wouldn't have expected me to be that way (I seem a bit more demure outside the bedroom). Mentally we are both very smart/ambitious etc. I see him about 3 times a week. I will see him tomorrow actually. We are in contact every day (usually through his initiative) and it's been about 2 months now. I'm just wondering though 40 and single. What do you think of this with all the facts?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea how a relationship with a guy like this will turn out, all I can do is alert you of what I believe to be obvious red flags. None of what you have told me so far about this guy falls in that category. So he's had relationships that led nowhere. Why? I have no idea, but I can think of many good reasons why that would be the case.
Consider that in our society people are getting married at older ages. The pressure to hook up early, have children, etc. is not the same as it used to be. Is he ready to settle down now? Will he still not be ready 10 years from now? I have no idea. But circumstances change and aging brings about different needs.
The past isn't always an indicator of future behavior. I give you as an example, the life of Warren Beatty (copied from his Wikipedia entry):
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
Re: my 40 year old boyfriend.
Ok I told him oh I see the updated the marathon website with the results and then I said it says you are 40. How old are you and he said 40 right away. I mentioned that I think his profile was different and he asked how old it says he was. So I told him 37. He said that when he originally signed up he put did put the wrong age and he said he had tried to change it recently. I didn't push too much more because he said his actual age right away so he wasn't lying to my face.
Anyway, we get along really well. This past evening we played scrabble which he likes a lot for a few hours and then had sex. We actually had sex two times along with oral sex on both accounts. He was joking that I was tiring him out. Actually I left close to 1am which is kind of bad for him because he watches the market as a part of his job (but not dictated by it).
He told me he has had two 4 year relationships and a couple 2 year ones too. His last relationship was 2 years and ended 1.5 years ago. He really thinks my body is perfect but he jokes when we have sex because he mentions how he wouldn't have expected me to be that way (I seem a bit more demure outside the bedroom). Mentally we are both very smart/ambitious etc. I see him about 3 times a week. I will see him tomorrow actually. We are in contact every day (usually through his initiative) and it's been about 2 months now. I'm just wondering though 40 and single. What do you think of this with all the facts?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea how a relationship with a guy like this will turn out, all I can do is alert you of what I believe to be obvious red flags. None of what you have told me so far about this guy falls in that category. So he's had relationships that led nowhere. Why? I have no idea, but I can think of many good reasons why that would be the case.
Consider that in our society people are getting married at older ages. The pressure to hook up early, have children, etc. is not the same as it used to be. Is he ready to settle down now? Will he still not be ready 10 years from now? I have no idea. But circumstances change and aging brings about different needs.
The past isn't always an indicator of future behavior. I give you as an example, the life of Warren Beatty (copied from his Wikipedia entry):
After breaking up co-star Natalie Wood's first marriage to Robert Wagner during his 1961 film debut, Splendor in the Grass, Beatty has made a career of sweet-talking his leading ladies, right through Ishtar's Isabelle Adjani in 1987, with stops along the way for long-term liaisons with Julie Christie (McCabe & Mrs. Miller, Shampoo, Heaven Can Wait) and Diane Keaton (Reds)[citation needed]. Beatty also has been linked with Joan Collins (to whom he was engaged in 1961), Leslie Caron (in whose 1965 divorce from Peter Hall, then-director of The Royal Shakespeare Company, Beatty was named corespondent), Vivien Leigh, Susan Strasberg, Michelle Phillips, Cher, Madonna, Carly Simon (whose song You're So Vain is rumoured to be about him), Barbra Streisand, Britt Ekland and Joyce Hyser (briefly Jimmy Smits's love interest on L.A. Law), plus enough lesser-knowns for a supermarket tabloid to have offered women not yet heard from a $50 bounty for tales of their dalliances with him.[citation needed] After years of dating many famous women, he married Annette Bening on March 10, 1992.After several long term relationship and many, many shorter ones, he married for the first time at age 55. They are still married to this day and have 4 children.
Still, NO KISS!
Submitted on Thursday, November 27, 2008
By Kristin, 29, from Colorado:
My co-worker and I like each other. We are both managers so we have been very discreet at work, which is fine. But, we have gone out twice now and he has finally put his arm around me and held my hand but still, NO KISS! Why? He knows I would kiss him, he knows that I am interested him and I feel that he is too. So why do you think that he hasn't tried to kiss me? Should I say something next time if he doesn't try and kiss me? Confused!!!
VictorM's advice:
No, don't say anything, you impatient female creature.
Guys love the courting phase. They like to take it easy and work their way up the seduction ladder at their own pace, which more often than not, is much slower than girls.
Just keep your panties on and go for the slow ride.
By Kristin, 29, from Colorado:
My co-worker and I like each other. We are both managers so we have been very discreet at work, which is fine. But, we have gone out twice now and he has finally put his arm around me and held my hand but still, NO KISS! Why? He knows I would kiss him, he knows that I am interested him and I feel that he is too. So why do you think that he hasn't tried to kiss me? Should I say something next time if he doesn't try and kiss me? Confused!!!
VictorM's advice:
No, don't say anything, you impatient female creature.
Guys love the courting phase. They like to take it easy and work their way up the seduction ladder at their own pace, which more often than not, is much slower than girls.
Just keep your panties on and go for the slow ride.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, still no kiss
I'm similar to his mom
Submitted on Thursday, November 27, 2008
By Lyna, 19, from Davis:
I met this guy from my badminton class. We hung out along with this other girl. I told him a few things, like how I like helping people and how I can't say no. He told me my attitude/personality is similar to his mom. He often yells at me when I just ask him something. Before, I aimed him every time he's on and called him a lot but those calls are not calls like chit chatty calls. I stopped those bad habits. I asked him if I was the only friend that irritated him that much that he has to yell at me? He told me he doesn't really want to hang out with me because he has been doing so with someone very similar to me, which is like his mom and she keeps turning out that way.
I am really not that similar to her but I don't know why he keeps saying I am. I told him I'm not going to bother him anymore. We haven't talked since then even during class. 2 days later, at a friend's b-day party, I was the one that planned it and he wanted to know what's happening that night. He didn't ask me. Instead, he went to ask someone else. I was right there too. I have a feeling he feels awkward because he was treating me bad? But later that day we were fine. We all went out to eat. He asked me to order for him because he's so indecisive, but I don't get why does he ask me to do it? I sit only one seat away from him. He all a sudden became nice to me. Why does he keep yelling at me before? Is it because I'm similar to his mom? I am not that close to him since I only knew him for like a month.
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to be like his mother to invoke in him feelings he dislikes. For example, a guy may feel inferior in the presence of person A because person A insults him often. That same guy may feel inferior in the presence of person B because person B is so knowledgeable. Person A and person B need not be at all alike for the guy to feel the same way -- inferior. For whatever reason, you invoke in him the same negative feelings that his mother does, even if you and her are different.
Asking you to order for him at the restaurant is actually a very motherly like action, so it's not surprising he'd ask you to do that.
He probably can't yell at his mother when she irritates him, or even if he does, it doesn't change anything, but he can yell at you and get results. The yelling is not a reflection of disliking you more than anyone else, it's really a reflection of his inability to deal with whatever irritates him about his mother.
By Lyna, 19, from Davis:
I met this guy from my badminton class. We hung out along with this other girl. I told him a few things, like how I like helping people and how I can't say no. He told me my attitude/personality is similar to his mom. He often yells at me when I just ask him something. Before, I aimed him every time he's on and called him a lot but those calls are not calls like chit chatty calls. I stopped those bad habits. I asked him if I was the only friend that irritated him that much that he has to yell at me? He told me he doesn't really want to hang out with me because he has been doing so with someone very similar to me, which is like his mom and she keeps turning out that way.
I am really not that similar to her but I don't know why he keeps saying I am. I told him I'm not going to bother him anymore. We haven't talked since then even during class. 2 days later, at a friend's b-day party, I was the one that planned it and he wanted to know what's happening that night. He didn't ask me. Instead, he went to ask someone else. I was right there too. I have a feeling he feels awkward because he was treating me bad? But later that day we were fine. We all went out to eat. He asked me to order for him because he's so indecisive, but I don't get why does he ask me to do it? I sit only one seat away from him. He all a sudden became nice to me. Why does he keep yelling at me before? Is it because I'm similar to his mom? I am not that close to him since I only knew him for like a month.
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to be like his mother to invoke in him feelings he dislikes. For example, a guy may feel inferior in the presence of person A because person A insults him often. That same guy may feel inferior in the presence of person B because person B is so knowledgeable. Person A and person B need not be at all alike for the guy to feel the same way -- inferior. For whatever reason, you invoke in him the same negative feelings that his mother does, even if you and her are different.
Asking you to order for him at the restaurant is actually a very motherly like action, so it's not surprising he'd ask you to do that.
He probably can't yell at his mother when she irritates him, or even if he does, it doesn't change anything, but he can yell at you and get results. The yelling is not a reflection of disliking you more than anyone else, it's really a reflection of his inability to deal with whatever irritates him about his mother.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, yelling at me, i'm like his mother
I seem to forget things very easily
Submitted on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
By K:
When my man and I get into arguments, I seem to forget things very easily because I am unfocused and afraid of causing fights. Sometimes he will ask me questions (during arguments) and I don't know what to say (and sometimes I even forget) and I tell him so, and it only causes him to be more angry. Do you have any advice on what I can do?
VictorM's advice:
I believe there's three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. The question then is: who is most likely to stake their view as "the truth"? Right now, you are losing that argument.
It's true that some people have better memories than others, but in general, memory is a very selective thing anyway, particularly in cases like yours; we often remember things with a bias towards our preconceived views. There have been many studies in the legal profession about the recollections of witness that support that, and just watch 2 sports fans of opposing teams argue a disputed play -- it's as if they saw two different plays.
Let me give you an example how things might work. Let's say you tell your boyfriend that you didn't like how he was talking to a certain girl. Days or weeks later, you have an argument and he says you called him a cheater. You have no such recollection, however, he's 100% sure that you said it. Now, is he lying? No. In his mind, without even realizing it, he processed your dissatisfaction about the conversation with the girl to mean that you don't trust him, and therefore capable of cheating, which with the passage of time and anger becomes "you called me a cheater."
The difference between you and him isn't memory, it's the confidence / assertiveness / stubbornness to say what you believe to have been the truth. Your problem isn't your memory; your problem is that you're "afraid of causing fights." Basically, you're a wimp. You allow yourself to be framed as having poor memory, and you reinforce that frame during an argument, because you think it makes life easier. It does not!
So, what to do? Using my example from above, next time he says that you called him a cheater, think for yourself: Do I remember saying that? Is that something I can imagine ever calling him? Is it like me to say something like that? If the answers are no, then say with authority: "I don't know what led you to believe that, but I never called you that." You have to stake your position, loud and clear, that his recollection isn't any better than yours, which is probably true.
If the argument is about a statement of fact, for example, "remember when we visited place A and you said B?" If you don't recall being at place A, return the conversation to what matters... "I don't recall being at place A, but what's your point?" That refocuses the conversation not on your memory but on what he's trying to say, which is what you two should be discussing.
By the way, I think your situation is very common, where girls often back down from arguments with guys. I think it's because girls bend backwards to be fair while boys grow-up trash talking and having to appear tougher than the next guy.
By K:
When my man and I get into arguments, I seem to forget things very easily because I am unfocused and afraid of causing fights. Sometimes he will ask me questions (during arguments) and I don't know what to say (and sometimes I even forget) and I tell him so, and it only causes him to be more angry. Do you have any advice on what I can do?
VictorM's advice:
I believe there's three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. The question then is: who is most likely to stake their view as "the truth"? Right now, you are losing that argument.
It's true that some people have better memories than others, but in general, memory is a very selective thing anyway, particularly in cases like yours; we often remember things with a bias towards our preconceived views. There have been many studies in the legal profession about the recollections of witness that support that, and just watch 2 sports fans of opposing teams argue a disputed play -- it's as if they saw two different plays.
Let me give you an example how things might work. Let's say you tell your boyfriend that you didn't like how he was talking to a certain girl. Days or weeks later, you have an argument and he says you called him a cheater. You have no such recollection, however, he's 100% sure that you said it. Now, is he lying? No. In his mind, without even realizing it, he processed your dissatisfaction about the conversation with the girl to mean that you don't trust him, and therefore capable of cheating, which with the passage of time and anger becomes "you called me a cheater."
The difference between you and him isn't memory, it's the confidence / assertiveness / stubbornness to say what you believe to have been the truth. Your problem isn't your memory; your problem is that you're "afraid of causing fights." Basically, you're a wimp. You allow yourself to be framed as having poor memory, and you reinforce that frame during an argument, because you think it makes life easier. It does not!
So, what to do? Using my example from above, next time he says that you called him a cheater, think for yourself: Do I remember saying that? Is that something I can imagine ever calling him? Is it like me to say something like that? If the answers are no, then say with authority: "I don't know what led you to believe that, but I never called you that." You have to stake your position, loud and clear, that his recollection isn't any better than yours, which is probably true.
If the argument is about a statement of fact, for example, "remember when we visited place A and you said B?" If you don't recall being at place A, return the conversation to what matters... "I don't recall being at place A, but what's your point?" That refocuses the conversation not on your memory but on what he's trying to say, which is what you two should be discussing.
By the way, I think your situation is very common, where girls often back down from arguments with guys. I think it's because girls bend backwards to be fair while boys grow-up trash talking and having to appear tougher than the next guy.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, memory, argument, forget easily, afraid of fights, fight with boyfriend
Thursday, November 27, 2008
He wants to come back with me
Submitted on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
By Aerica, 34, from Wichita:
Got a guy I met on the chat line. He's in St. Louis, I'm in Wichita. He called me all the time, wants to marry me and threw in a kid! I haven't even seen the guy. I sent him a pic and I guess I'm waiting for one in return. I told him I'd visit and see what he's like in December and he wants to come back with me. I confessed I didn't know him like that. He could visit but not move in. I need time to get to know who I'm dealing with first. He got mad and hung up the phone in my face. No, I haven't called back. I thought he was trying to be rude and hurt me by offending me so I'm not dialing nothing although he has called and left messages for me. Help?
VictorM's advice:
This guy has the mental stability of a knuckle ball. Run away from this freak of living nature.
Send him an email telling him not to call you again.
You can do better... much better.
By Aerica, 34, from Wichita:
Got a guy I met on the chat line. He's in St. Louis, I'm in Wichita. He called me all the time, wants to marry me and threw in a kid! I haven't even seen the guy. I sent him a pic and I guess I'm waiting for one in return. I told him I'd visit and see what he's like in December and he wants to come back with me. I confessed I didn't know him like that. He could visit but not move in. I need time to get to know who I'm dealing with first. He got mad and hung up the phone in my face. No, I haven't called back. I thought he was trying to be rude and hurt me by offending me so I'm not dialing nothing although he has called and left messages for me. Help?
VictorM's advice:
This guy has the mental stability of a knuckle ball. Run away from this freak of living nature.
Send him an email telling him not to call you again.
You can do better... much better.
Technorati Tags: met him online, online chat, wants to move in, hung up phone
I am trying to read his every body language
Submitted on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
By mah, 20, from england:
Hi I like this guy at work and so I am trying to read his every body language and stuck up with this. What does it mean if this guy looks at me every time he says hi to girls. There is a lot of eye contact between us too.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's trying to get your attention and seeing if there's a hint of jealousy on your part, which would denote to him that you're interested in him. But it's anyone's guess if he likes you. You'll have to get more information other ways, preferably outside of work. Guys are notorious for passing a dull day at work by catching the attention of females. I have no way to tell if he's just passing the day or dreaming of you having his children.
By mah, 20, from england:
Hi I like this guy at work and so I am trying to read his every body language and stuck up with this. What does it mean if this guy looks at me every time he says hi to girls. There is a lot of eye contact between us too.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's trying to get your attention and seeing if there's a hint of jealousy on your part, which would denote to him that you're interested in him. But it's anyone's guess if he likes you. You'll have to get more information other ways, preferably outside of work. Guys are notorious for passing a dull day at work by catching the attention of females. I have no way to tell if he's just passing the day or dreaming of you having his children.
Technorati Tags: body language, eye contact, liking coworker, flirting with other girls
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
After 4 weeks we had sex
Submitted on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
By SELENA, 41, from OHIO:
Hi, I met this guy and after 4 weeks we had sex. The day after he sent me these 2 long emails stating he feels sorry it happened, he was going to wait, we do not seem to be compatible, etc. I like him and sent him an email stating I am OK to be friends only. How is he going to react?
VictorM's advice:
Most likely he'll say friendship sounds fine but in reality, over time he'll start avoiding you and staying away. He may even start this right away.
Unless he's an idiot, he knows you like him and that you don't really want to be just friends; eventually, you'll want more, which is something he now knows is not what he wants with you.
And think about it, for you and for him: rather than spend your time and energy cultivating a friendship that's not going to give you what you're looking for, why not spend that time and energy looking for someone who offers better odds of being a loving partner? I bet you that's what he plans to do. You should too.
By SELENA, 41, from OHIO:
Hi, I met this guy and after 4 weeks we had sex. The day after he sent me these 2 long emails stating he feels sorry it happened, he was going to wait, we do not seem to be compatible, etc. I like him and sent him an email stating I am OK to be friends only. How is he going to react?
VictorM's advice:
Most likely he'll say friendship sounds fine but in reality, over time he'll start avoiding you and staying away. He may even start this right away.
Unless he's an idiot, he knows you like him and that you don't really want to be just friends; eventually, you'll want more, which is something he now knows is not what he wants with you.
And think about it, for you and for him: rather than spend your time and energy cultivating a friendship that's not going to give you what you're looking for, why not spend that time and energy looking for someone who offers better odds of being a loving partner? I bet you that's what he plans to do. You should too.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, lost interest after sex, staying friends after sex
Ahmedabad to Mumbai
Submitted on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
By tanya, 14, from mumbai:
I like a boy. He too likes me but the problem is he is not doing friendship with me cause he stays in Ahmedabad and I in Mumbai. Please give me some tips/suggestions.
VictorM's advice:
Well, 500 kms is quite a distance to overcome. Boys aren't usually keen on maintaining contact over long distance, at least not at the level girls like.
If you're going to try, the one thing you must do is make it fun. That means no reprimanding him if he doesn't reply to you as quickly, or as often, as you'd like. If a guy who doesn't call in 2 days knows he's going to be told off for it, he'll want to delay that, so he'll wait even longer to call. So, make all your contact fun and interesting.
Don't drown him in attention. Chances are he'll be happiest with less contact than you'd like.
If you talk to him on the phone or over the internet, don't go on for hours and hours. Force yourself to cut your conversations shorter. It's much better for both of you to want to end the call wanting to talk more than to talk so long that you start looking at your watch wanting to get off. This way you're more likely to look forward to talking again.
[Update: It's pure coincidence that a question from Mumbai was posted on the day that a terrible series of terrorist attacks took place in that city. As of this writing, at least 80 people have been killed, over 100 wounded, and several hostage situations are still going on. My thoughts are with Tanya and everyone in that city.]
By tanya, 14, from mumbai:
I like a boy. He too likes me but the problem is he is not doing friendship with me cause he stays in Ahmedabad and I in Mumbai. Please give me some tips/suggestions.
VictorM's advice:
Well, 500 kms is quite a distance to overcome. Boys aren't usually keen on maintaining contact over long distance, at least not at the level girls like.
If you're going to try, the one thing you must do is make it fun. That means no reprimanding him if he doesn't reply to you as quickly, or as often, as you'd like. If a guy who doesn't call in 2 days knows he's going to be told off for it, he'll want to delay that, so he'll wait even longer to call. So, make all your contact fun and interesting.
Don't drown him in attention. Chances are he'll be happiest with less contact than you'd like.
If you talk to him on the phone or over the internet, don't go on for hours and hours. Force yourself to cut your conversations shorter. It's much better for both of you to want to end the call wanting to talk more than to talk so long that you start looking at your watch wanting to get off. This way you're more likely to look forward to talking again.
[Update: It's pure coincidence that a question from Mumbai was posted on the day that a terrible series of terrorist attacks took place in that city. As of this writing, at least 80 people have been killed, over 100 wounded, and several hostage situations are still going on. My thoughts are with Tanya and everyone in that city.]
Technorati Tags: long distance relationship, keeping it fun, keeping friendship
How to tell him without saying it?
Submitted on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
By nurul, 18, from asia:
How to tell a guy that you like him but by not saying it? How to know if he likes me too?
VictorM's advice:
Here are some suggestions for letting him know without saying it:
1) invade his space - that means stand a little closer to him than you normally do and close enough to feel somewhat uncomfortable; 2) touch him - when you're talking and want to make a point, let your fingertips touch his wrist, arm, or hand; 3) if you go any place with him, dress like you're out on a date, not with a friend, that is, accentuate your femininity (show cleavage, clothes that hug your body, show skin), wear nice perfume, make-up, the whole 9 yards.
The biggest problem with knowing if he likes you is this: does he like only you? Guys can have many crushes at the same time and may not be ready to settle on any one girl. But, if he changes his behavior around you, that's a very good sign. By that I mean, if, for example, he's talking loudly with his friends and he becomes quieter when you arrive. That sorta thing.
By nurul, 18, from asia:
How to tell a guy that you like him but by not saying it? How to know if he likes me too?
VictorM's advice:
Here are some suggestions for letting him know without saying it:
1) invade his space - that means stand a little closer to him than you normally do and close enough to feel somewhat uncomfortable; 2) touch him - when you're talking and want to make a point, let your fingertips touch his wrist, arm, or hand; 3) if you go any place with him, dress like you're out on a date, not with a friend, that is, accentuate your femininity (show cleavage, clothes that hug your body, show skin), wear nice perfume, make-up, the whole 9 yards.
The biggest problem with knowing if he likes you is this: does he like only you? Guys can have many crushes at the same time and may not be ready to settle on any one girl. But, if he changes his behavior around you, that's a very good sign. By that I mean, if, for example, he's talking loudly with his friends and he becomes quieter when you arrive. That sorta thing.
Technorati Tags: how to let him know you like him, hot to tell he likes you, feelings without words
He has yet to touch my breasts
Submitted on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
By heidi, 22, from connecticut:
I've been dating this guy for about 5 months now and he has yet to touch my breasts. He's significantly older than me (35) and he says he's an "ass man", but I don't get it. I feel like there's something wrong with me, but he's never said anything negative about me. What is going on here?
VictorM's advice:
Well, I don't get it either. Being an "ass man" should not preclude him from liking boobs too.
And why would you think there's something wrong with you? Are your boobs made of barbed wire or something? Come on, I've never met a pair of boobs I didn't like. I can't imagine you being the problem.
Some body parts aren't always turn ons... some men will never lick or suck toes, some will never kiss underarms, some will never lick a vagina or ass (I know, they're all weirdos!) and although I've never heard of a man who didn't like boobs, as long as it's his one weirdo thing, it's not a big deal. We all have some peculiar behaviors. He's entitled to one.
But whatever his deal with this is, you really should not consider that there's anything wrong with you.
By heidi, 22, from connecticut:
I've been dating this guy for about 5 months now and he has yet to touch my breasts. He's significantly older than me (35) and he says he's an "ass man", but I don't get it. I feel like there's something wrong with me, but he's never said anything negative about me. What is going on here?
VictorM's advice:
Well, I don't get it either. Being an "ass man" should not preclude him from liking boobs too.
And why would you think there's something wrong with you? Are your boobs made of barbed wire or something? Come on, I've never met a pair of boobs I didn't like. I can't imagine you being the problem.
Some body parts aren't always turn ons... some men will never lick or suck toes, some will never kiss underarms, some will never lick a vagina or ass (I know, they're all weirdos!) and although I've never heard of a man who didn't like boobs, as long as it's his one weirdo thing, it's not a big deal. We all have some peculiar behaviors. He's entitled to one.
But whatever his deal with this is, you really should not consider that there's anything wrong with you.
Technorati Tags: doesn't touch my breats, man doesn't touch breats, keeping hands off boobs
We don't say I love you
Submitted on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
By Sarah Rivers, 28, from Indianapolis:
I have been dating a guy I went to high school with for almost a year now. We have a very easy relationship. We have not met each others families, we do not live together, we don't say I love you. We do have a great time together, laugh a lot, and see each other everyday. We kind of brag that we don't act like boyfriend/girlfriend. On one hand I love it that we aren't your regular couple. On the other hand I wonder where our relationship is going.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think your relationship is going in the right direction, even if you have no idea what the destination is. That's because right now you're focused on each other's company, not on empty words, family pressures, and restraining obligations.
You are either planting solid roots that will produce a strong relationship or setting a plateau that will never blossom. When you're ready to know the answer, you will -- all you have to do is bring up the issue. Just don't be afraid of that moment. Don't rush it but don't put it off past your level of comfort. Delaying the inevitable isn't going to help you, so when you're ready to know the answer, have The Talk. Do not fear losing him, for that choice is beyond your control and you really can't gain much unless you risk losing it all.
By Sarah Rivers, 28, from Indianapolis:
I have been dating a guy I went to high school with for almost a year now. We have a very easy relationship. We have not met each others families, we do not live together, we don't say I love you. We do have a great time together, laugh a lot, and see each other everyday. We kind of brag that we don't act like boyfriend/girlfriend. On one hand I love it that we aren't your regular couple. On the other hand I wonder where our relationship is going.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think your relationship is going in the right direction, even if you have no idea what the destination is. That's because right now you're focused on each other's company, not on empty words, family pressures, and restraining obligations.
You are either planting solid roots that will produce a strong relationship or setting a plateau that will never blossom. When you're ready to know the answer, you will -- all you have to do is bring up the issue. Just don't be afraid of that moment. Don't rush it but don't put it off past your level of comfort. Delaying the inevitable isn't going to help you, so when you're ready to know the answer, have The Talk. Do not fear losing him, for that choice is beyond your control and you really can't gain much unless you risk losing it all.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, easy relationship, we don't say i love you, wonder where it's going
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My boyfriend is having a lot of emotional problems
Submitted on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
By kayla, 19, from ohio:
My boyfriend is having a lot of emotional problems with the fact of his parents are getting a divorce and his sister being in jail. He recently told me he didn't know if he still wanted to be in this relationship or if he just wanted to be friends. I really love him but I need to know, do I have a boyfriend or a friend. I can't sit and wonder any longer. I really love him. How do I win his love back and how can I do it fast.
VictorM's advice:
What's your rush? Can't you be a little patient with the boy that you say you are so much in love with? The measure of true love isn't when all is going well; love is very easy then. The true test of love is during difficult times like this and your willingness to sacrifice on behalf of your partner.
He's hurting and confused. He's going to say things and make decisions that under normal circumstances he'll regret. It's also likely that he's saying those things because he wants to spare you the trouble of dealing with him.
You're not expected to wait forever, but you are expected to put in an extra effort to support him.
Tell him you love him, tell him you care about him, tell him you're not giving up. Then live up to those words and wait patiently and without placing your needs before his... or stop saying you love him.
By kayla, 19, from ohio:
My boyfriend is having a lot of emotional problems with the fact of his parents are getting a divorce and his sister being in jail. He recently told me he didn't know if he still wanted to be in this relationship or if he just wanted to be friends. I really love him but I need to know, do I have a boyfriend or a friend. I can't sit and wonder any longer. I really love him. How do I win his love back and how can I do it fast.
VictorM's advice:
What's your rush? Can't you be a little patient with the boy that you say you are so much in love with? The measure of true love isn't when all is going well; love is very easy then. The true test of love is during difficult times like this and your willingness to sacrifice on behalf of your partner.
He's hurting and confused. He's going to say things and make decisions that under normal circumstances he'll regret. It's also likely that he's saying those things because he wants to spare you the trouble of dealing with him.
You're not expected to wait forever, but you are expected to put in an extra effort to support him.
Tell him you love him, tell him you care about him, tell him you're not giving up. Then live up to those words and wait patiently and without placing your needs before his... or stop saying you love him.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, emotional problems, parents getting divorce, needs time, winning love back
Possibility that my crush also has a crush on me?
Submitted on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
By mika, 18, from Quezon city:
Is there a possibility that my crush (guy) also has a crush on me?
When he sees me, he changes his eyes in different direction and tries to find someone to talk to, as if avoiding me.
What does eye to eye contact with me means? Coz he looks at me and i feel as if i'm melting.
His face is serious when he faces me, but by the time he turn his back, i can see very well his smile even without my classmates teasing us.
often times, i caught him looking at me secretly. when he turns back, he looks at me not just once but twice or thrice.
is there a possibility? pls help. i'm into deep thinking.
VictorM's advice:
Don't think so hard -- you might get a brain hernia.
Based on the things you described, I'd say he has a crush on you. But... a warning: crushes are a dime a dozen for boys around your age. Who knows how many other crushes he has. Guys live very happily with quantity, seldom dreaming of just one girl. And to them, many times, several crushes in the bush are better than one crush in hand. He might not be tempted to make a move on any one girl.
So, what should you do? Smile at him, greet him nicely using his name ("Hi, John"), and be nice to him. Aim for friendship and then... who knows, the sky is the limit.
By mika, 18, from Quezon city:
Is there a possibility that my crush (guy) also has a crush on me?
When he sees me, he changes his eyes in different direction and tries to find someone to talk to, as if avoiding me.
What does eye to eye contact with me means? Coz he looks at me and i feel as if i'm melting.
His face is serious when he faces me, but by the time he turn his back, i can see very well his smile even without my classmates teasing us.
often times, i caught him looking at me secretly. when he turns back, he looks at me not just once but twice or thrice.
is there a possibility? pls help. i'm into deep thinking.
VictorM's advice:
Don't think so hard -- you might get a brain hernia.
Based on the things you described, I'd say he has a crush on you. But... a warning: crushes are a dime a dozen for boys around your age. Who knows how many other crushes he has. Guys live very happily with quantity, seldom dreaming of just one girl. And to them, many times, several crushes in the bush are better than one crush in hand. He might not be tempted to make a move on any one girl.
So, what should you do? Smile at him, greet him nicely using his name ("Hi, John"), and be nice to him. Aim for friendship and then... who knows, the sky is the limit.
Technorati Tags: does he like me, does he have a crush, crushes, eye contact, looking at me
Forever emotionally unavailable
Submitted on Monday, November 24, 2008
By Angel, 23, from Gauteng:
I am seeing a guy who is forever emotionally unavailable. Lately, when I talk to him he shouts or snaps at me for no apparent reason. When I ask him to do something for me he refuses or gives excuses. When I try to talk about this he says that he never asks anything from me and what have I done for him? When I say he never asks anything, unlike me, he simply says he deals with his problems not expecting people to deal with them. What is happening here? What do I need to do?
VictorM's advice:
You need your head examined. Literally.
He's not asking you to change, he's not demanding anything from you. Really, he's not your problem. You, not recognizing that someone like him is toxic in terms of developing any kind of meaningful relationship, are truly are the one that needs help.
The short answer is "dump him." But that won't be enough. Even if you dump this guy, your next one is more than likely to exhibit the same personality traits. Just the mere fact that you're still with this guy suggests you have some need to heal these "emotionally unavailable" souls.
If you want to change the type of guy you get attracted to, you need to change yourself. That's not something you can do on your own. You need professional help.
And of course, you also need to dump this guy, otherwise you're just banging your head against a brick wall
(By the way, if you think he needs more help than you do, you'd be right, but you're the one writing to me, not him).
By Angel, 23, from Gauteng:
I am seeing a guy who is forever emotionally unavailable. Lately, when I talk to him he shouts or snaps at me for no apparent reason. When I ask him to do something for me he refuses or gives excuses. When I try to talk about this he says that he never asks anything from me and what have I done for him? When I say he never asks anything, unlike me, he simply says he deals with his problems not expecting people to deal with them. What is happening here? What do I need to do?
VictorM's advice:
You need your head examined. Literally.
He's not asking you to change, he's not demanding anything from you. Really, he's not your problem. You, not recognizing that someone like him is toxic in terms of developing any kind of meaningful relationship, are truly are the one that needs help.
The short answer is "dump him." But that won't be enough. Even if you dump this guy, your next one is more than likely to exhibit the same personality traits. Just the mere fact that you're still with this guy suggests you have some need to heal these "emotionally unavailable" souls.
If you want to change the type of guy you get attracted to, you need to change yourself. That's not something you can do on your own. You need professional help.
And of course, you also need to dump this guy, otherwise you're just banging your head against a brick wall
(By the way, if you think he needs more help than you do, you'd be right, but you're the one writing to me, not him).
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, emotionally unavailable
We will be together for 30 years
Submitted on Monday, November 24, 2008
By Lisa, 26, from new jersey:
I am divorced after seven years of marriage and have two sons that are 4 and 6 years old. My ex was damaged from the war in Iraq and very abusive. I have full custody and he has no rights to see them. He is out of the picture for good. My boyfriend of almost six months is so great with my boys and even though he has a hard time verbalizing his feelings, he does say he loves me and I see him almost every night and he calls me every day. One night I asked him if he thinks we will be together for 30 years like his parents and he said "I don't know. I live in the now."
I was hurt by this, hoping him to say yes, "I love you and want to marry you one day." He didn't though and it makes me think he has no intention of marrying me. What should I do? Break up with him? Me and my boys need stability. i KNOW ITS ONLY BEEN 6 MONTHS BUT I LOVE HIM AND KNOW HE'S THE ONE FOR ME, OR AT LEAST THOUGHT HE WAS UNTIL NOW.
VictorM's advice:
Come on, how does a question about being together 30 years have anything to do with his possible interest in marrying you down the road? In an age of 50+% divorces, why ask that question? Life is not a silly romance novel or a corny romantic comedy. Maybe it should be. Maybe you want it to be. But most guys live in a real world and give real world answers. And that's what you got -- a real world answer.
After only 6 months it is absolutely legitimate for him to not know if he wants to marry you yet, much less if he wants to be with you for 30 years. If after 6 months you're already so sure this guy is the one for you, you're the one jumping the gun. Six months is not enough time to make such declarations. But even if it were, just because you feel that way about him doesn't mean he has to feel that way about you. Guys take longer than girls, in general, to get fully committed to a relationship.
You say he's the one for you but you're asking me if you should leave him because he didn't answer your silly question in a way that you expected. Your commitment doesn't sound very convincing. You don't know what "the one" means!
I have no doubt that you want what's best for your boys, but stability to your kids come from a mother who takes her time making real world sound decisions, not from a step father who was rushed into marriage in the hopes of fairy-tale results.
By Lisa, 26, from new jersey:
I am divorced after seven years of marriage and have two sons that are 4 and 6 years old. My ex was damaged from the war in Iraq and very abusive. I have full custody and he has no rights to see them. He is out of the picture for good. My boyfriend of almost six months is so great with my boys and even though he has a hard time verbalizing his feelings, he does say he loves me and I see him almost every night and he calls me every day. One night I asked him if he thinks we will be together for 30 years like his parents and he said "I don't know. I live in the now."
I was hurt by this, hoping him to say yes, "I love you and want to marry you one day." He didn't though and it makes me think he has no intention of marrying me. What should I do? Break up with him? Me and my boys need stability. i KNOW ITS ONLY BEEN 6 MONTHS BUT I LOVE HIM AND KNOW HE'S THE ONE FOR ME, OR AT LEAST THOUGHT HE WAS UNTIL NOW.
VictorM's advice:
Come on, how does a question about being together 30 years have anything to do with his possible interest in marrying you down the road? In an age of 50+% divorces, why ask that question? Life is not a silly romance novel or a corny romantic comedy. Maybe it should be. Maybe you want it to be. But most guys live in a real world and give real world answers. And that's what you got -- a real world answer.
After only 6 months it is absolutely legitimate for him to not know if he wants to marry you yet, much less if he wants to be with you for 30 years. If after 6 months you're already so sure this guy is the one for you, you're the one jumping the gun. Six months is not enough time to make such declarations. But even if it were, just because you feel that way about him doesn't mean he has to feel that way about you. Guys take longer than girls, in general, to get fully committed to a relationship.
You say he's the one for you but you're asking me if you should leave him because he didn't answer your silly question in a way that you expected. Your commitment doesn't sound very convincing. You don't know what "the one" means!
I have no doubt that you want what's best for your boys, but stability to your kids come from a mother who takes her time making real world sound decisions, not from a step father who was rushed into marriage in the hopes of fairy-tale results.
Technorati Tags: relationship advice, should i leave him, he won't commit
Coffee run
Submitted on Monday, November 24, 2008
By Holly, 21, from Ontario, Canada:
Ok, this guy that works beside the coffee shop I work in comes in every morning for a coffee run. Always flirted and then on Halloween he asked for my number. At first he was calling me ALL the time, no doubt that he was interested. We went out to the movies, everything was great. He continued to call and on the 13th, he called and said "we need to get together this weekend" but I didn't have time to really chat and make detailed plans. He didn't call that weekend. Monday comes around, I see him everyday when he comes in for the coffee run and everything still seems good. Morning is crazy busy so don't get to spend that much time chatting with him. But a couple times that week he came in on his lunch break when it's dead in my coffee shop and I'm pretty much alone. Second time he did that, he lingered and talked for a bit... said he had a bad day, that he was getting a drink with his buddies that night and then said he would give me a shout (This was this past Friday) *pretty sure that's what I heard, hard to focus when you're nervous* So anyways, he didn't call again. And I didn't work today (Monday) so I didn't see him in the coffee shop. I'm really confused as to if I did something to turn him off. I'm the type of girl that waits for the guy to call, so I can't be coming off as needy. He seems so interested when he comes to my work still. One time when he came in on his lunch break, as he was leaving, he almost went out the wrong way and then looked back at me smiling like "oops, gotta go that way.." and looked kinda embarrassed. It was cute.
VictorM's advice:
Whether he still likes you or is losing interest, you'd still experience a slow down in attention no matter what. It's simply the way guys operate. When we meet someone new that excites us, we're like an 8-cylinder car when you step on the gas -- we go full speed ahead. If we didn't ease our foot off the pedal, we'd blow the engine. So we ease off... with the car and with the girl. Happens all the time. Get used to it.
The other thing you need to keep in mind is that guys use "Call you later" as a replacement for "Have a nice day" or "See you later." Seriously, how many times do you tell people "See you later" when you know you're not gonna see them later? It's just an expression. "Call you later" is the same thing. It's just a parting greeting. He may or may not call. Get used to it.
So... unless something else happens, I'd say things are going fine.
PS. As someone who doesn't drink coffee because it messes with my intestines, your choice of words -- "a coffee run" -- gave me a chuckle.
By Holly, 21, from Ontario, Canada:
Ok, this guy that works beside the coffee shop I work in comes in every morning for a coffee run. Always flirted and then on Halloween he asked for my number. At first he was calling me ALL the time, no doubt that he was interested. We went out to the movies, everything was great. He continued to call and on the 13th, he called and said "we need to get together this weekend" but I didn't have time to really chat and make detailed plans. He didn't call that weekend. Monday comes around, I see him everyday when he comes in for the coffee run and everything still seems good. Morning is crazy busy so don't get to spend that much time chatting with him. But a couple times that week he came in on his lunch break when it's dead in my coffee shop and I'm pretty much alone. Second time he did that, he lingered and talked for a bit... said he had a bad day, that he was getting a drink with his buddies that night and then said he would give me a shout (This was this past Friday) *pretty sure that's what I heard, hard to focus when you're nervous* So anyways, he didn't call again. And I didn't work today (Monday) so I didn't see him in the coffee shop. I'm really confused as to if I did something to turn him off. I'm the type of girl that waits for the guy to call, so I can't be coming off as needy. He seems so interested when he comes to my work still. One time when he came in on his lunch break, as he was leaving, he almost went out the wrong way and then looked back at me smiling like "oops, gotta go that way.." and looked kinda embarrassed. It was cute.
VictorM's advice:
Whether he still likes you or is losing interest, you'd still experience a slow down in attention no matter what. It's simply the way guys operate. When we meet someone new that excites us, we're like an 8-cylinder car when you step on the gas -- we go full speed ahead. If we didn't ease our foot off the pedal, we'd blow the engine. So we ease off... with the car and with the girl. Happens all the time. Get used to it.
The other thing you need to keep in mind is that guys use "Call you later" as a replacement for "Have a nice day" or "See you later." Seriously, how many times do you tell people "See you later" when you know you're not gonna see them later? It's just an expression. "Call you later" is the same thing. It's just a parting greeting. He may or may not call. Get used to it.
So... unless something else happens, I'd say things are going fine.
PS. As someone who doesn't drink coffee because it messes with my intestines, your choice of words -- "a coffee run" -- gave me a chuckle.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, call you later, he didn't call, slowing down
Okay to offer my phone number
Submitted on Monday, November 24, 2008
By Lady L, 44, from California:
Is it ever okay to offer my phone number to a man even though he's never asked for it? Will that turn him off or make him run away forever? I don't want to assume anything but I know he likes me and I really like him a lot. Please advise. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Of course it's OK. Sometimes doing anything is better than doing nothing. And if it seems that things have stalled, there's nothing to lose by trying to kick start them.
The one thing to keep in mind, however, is that guys like being the pursuers. And they like to do it over a longer period of time than most woman would prefer. But there is a purpose for that: it gives the guy time to get to know you better before committing.
By giving him your phone number you are more than just confirming your interest in him -- you're inviting a commitment from him. That's why guys often will lose interest and run for the hills.
So, what I suggest is: if he's coming around, taking you out, showing interest... be a little patient. Give him time to work his magic on you (even if that magic is not needed). If, however, you feel he's getting distracted or not paying you enough attention, give him your phone number. I'm not sure it will help, but you really have nothing to lose at this point.
By Lady L, 44, from California:
Is it ever okay to offer my phone number to a man even though he's never asked for it? Will that turn him off or make him run away forever? I don't want to assume anything but I know he likes me and I really like him a lot. Please advise. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Of course it's OK. Sometimes doing anything is better than doing nothing. And if it seems that things have stalled, there's nothing to lose by trying to kick start them.
The one thing to keep in mind, however, is that guys like being the pursuers. And they like to do it over a longer period of time than most woman would prefer. But there is a purpose for that: it gives the guy time to get to know you better before committing.
By giving him your phone number you are more than just confirming your interest in him -- you're inviting a commitment from him. That's why guys often will lose interest and run for the hills.
So, what I suggest is: if he's coming around, taking you out, showing interest... be a little patient. Give him time to work his magic on you (even if that magic is not needed). If, however, you feel he's getting distracted or not paying you enough attention, give him your phone number. I'm not sure it will help, but you really have nothing to lose at this point.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, giving phone number, will he lose interest,
Monday, November 24, 2008
He never calls and say happy birthday
Submitted on Monday, November 24, 2008
By Theresa, 30, from California:
I have know this guy for a couple of years, we are not a couple but more then just friends. He is a American soldier but I live in Europe so its a little bit complicated. He knows when my birthday is (I think anyway, I did tell him once) but he never calls and say happy birthday. I'm not expecting a gift but a phone call would be nice. And he never calls me at Christmas or at New Years eve. Doesn't he think about me? I mean, I think about him around those holidays. I always call him at his birthday. I actually gave him a birthday gift once. He did ask me as well when my birthday is, that's why I kind of expected at least a phone call.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Theresa, or should I call you Olivia? I have no limit on the number of questions you can ask, you know? :)
All the whole thing with birthdays and holiday greeting show is that you two are different about these things, nothing more. It has no bearing on your feelings for each other.
By Theresa, 30, from California:
I have know this guy for a couple of years, we are not a couple but more then just friends. He is a American soldier but I live in Europe so its a little bit complicated. He knows when my birthday is (I think anyway, I did tell him once) but he never calls and say happy birthday. I'm not expecting a gift but a phone call would be nice. And he never calls me at Christmas or at New Years eve. Doesn't he think about me? I mean, I think about him around those holidays. I always call him at his birthday. I actually gave him a birthday gift once. He did ask me as well when my birthday is, that's why I kind of expected at least a phone call.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Theresa, or should I call you Olivia? I have no limit on the number of questions you can ask, you know? :)
All the whole thing with birthdays and holiday greeting show is that you two are different about these things, nothing more. It has no bearing on your feelings for each other.
Message for Olivia, from California
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
We all went on a double date
Submitted on Sunday, November 23, 2008
By Katelyn, 16:
So I met this guy last Saturday. He's a good friend of my best friend's boyfriend. My friend and her boyfriend wanted to set me up with this guy, so we all went on a double date. I'm a shy person when I first meet somebody, and he's shy in general, so we didn't talk a lot during this date, but we didn't really get the opportunity because of the activities we were doing, 2 movies and laser tag. Anyways, all four of us ended going back to my friend's house after watching a movie in the theaters. We decided to watch another movie. Me and this boy shared a blanket, and a spot on the couch, and I noticed that his arm started to brush mine, and then was full on touching. I could also feel his hand moving closer and closer, very gradually.. then we ended up holding hands.. and after cuddling for a while he kinda turned to me and just kissed me.. it happened twice.
After the 'date' I messaged him on facebook and we were talking. I knew he snowboarded, so i asked if he wanted to come with me this weekend. He couldn't because he had a game. But my friend gave him my number and I told him he should text me sometime.. cuz my friend's boyfriend said he was too shy to text me. So I thought if I told him to, maybe he wouldn't be as shy. He hasn't texted me or replied to that last message, even though I know he's seen it. Should I just forget it.. or what? I really need your opinion since my friend just says he's shy around girls. HELPPP!! thank you!!
VictorM's advice:
No, don't forget it.
This poor boy is most likely in sheer agony about making a call or texting you. I'm sure he wants to but doesn't know what to say, doesn't want to sound dumb, or appear too eager, etc. It's not at all uncommon for boys to freeze to the point of losing all they want because they can't muster the courage to make that call. Shyness, as I'm sure you know, can be debilitating. So... give the boy a break.
Maybe you can be the one calling him or texting him with a question. That will make it easier for him to get the ball rolling. Chances are that after the first few messages he'll be fine.
Unless he lost all interest in you. That, of course, possible, but making that assumption would be a wasted opportunity to hook up with a boy you like.
By Katelyn, 16:
So I met this guy last Saturday. He's a good friend of my best friend's boyfriend. My friend and her boyfriend wanted to set me up with this guy, so we all went on a double date. I'm a shy person when I first meet somebody, and he's shy in general, so we didn't talk a lot during this date, but we didn't really get the opportunity because of the activities we were doing, 2 movies and laser tag. Anyways, all four of us ended going back to my friend's house after watching a movie in the theaters. We decided to watch another movie. Me and this boy shared a blanket, and a spot on the couch, and I noticed that his arm started to brush mine, and then was full on touching. I could also feel his hand moving closer and closer, very gradually.. then we ended up holding hands.. and after cuddling for a while he kinda turned to me and just kissed me.. it happened twice.
After the 'date' I messaged him on facebook and we were talking. I knew he snowboarded, so i asked if he wanted to come with me this weekend. He couldn't because he had a game. But my friend gave him my number and I told him he should text me sometime.. cuz my friend's boyfriend said he was too shy to text me. So I thought if I told him to, maybe he wouldn't be as shy. He hasn't texted me or replied to that last message, even though I know he's seen it. Should I just forget it.. or what? I really need your opinion since my friend just says he's shy around girls. HELPPP!! thank you!!
VictorM's advice:
No, don't forget it.
This poor boy is most likely in sheer agony about making a call or texting you. I'm sure he wants to but doesn't know what to say, doesn't want to sound dumb, or appear too eager, etc. It's not at all uncommon for boys to freeze to the point of losing all they want because they can't muster the courage to make that call. Shyness, as I'm sure you know, can be debilitating. So... give the boy a break.
Maybe you can be the one calling him or texting him with a question. That will make it easier for him to get the ball rolling. Chances are that after the first few messages he'll be fine.
Unless he lost all interest in you. That, of course, possible, but making that assumption would be a wasted opportunity to hook up with a boy you like.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, double dating, shyness, shy boy, he doesn't text, after first date
I had sex with him on the first time we met
Submitted on Sunday, November 23, 2008
By emily, 19, from arizona:
I met this guy online. We talked for a month before we first meet each other for the first time. I had sex with him on the first time we met and feel really awkward about it. I wasn't attracted to him at all (physically, he was attracted to me). He texted me after that night saying he had fun and hoped I do too. I stopped talking to him for a week to have time to think about it. He is a really nice and sweet guy after all. I decided to give it a try.
We talked again, and saw each other again after 2 weeks. He spent the night at my place that weekend and on Sunday, he went out of state to work. We talked every single night (I always the one who called, he said he doesn't like to communicate by phone). But we have good communications. During those time, I asked what is he looking for? He said he is not looking but he is open if the right person comes up, and he interesting in pursuing a relationship with me but doesn't want it happen too fast.
He got back in town on the day I was flying out of the country for my vacation for 2 months. He made it to the airport just to see me for only 10 minutes (after he just left the airport 3hours before that).
During my vacation time, we chatted and I told him that I think I love him. To be honest, I really thought about it and I do think I love him for who he really is. He said, he was flattered to know that and he thinks he is falling for me too. After 2 weeks of vacation, he starts not to pick up his phone and returning my txt, and I send him a deal breaker txt, if he doesn't want to deal with me anymore, just say it and I promise I will leave him alone. He txt me back that everything is fine, he just been working overtime like crazy and sleeping on his time off.
I got over that. We keep talking normal again, but much less than before. We don't chat anymore, only talk when I call. The silence of not picking up the phone or returning my txt happen one more time before my vacation ended, but then he explained himself and I let it by again.
Since I got back to the States, we see each other every single weekend. I asked if we are exclusive and he said yes. I asked if he loves me, and he said he normally doesn't use that word and he doesn't know if he loves me yet, but he does have very strong feeling for me and it going toward a positive direction, he cares and think that he is very lucky to know me and he doesn't want to lose me at all. After his family and his work, I'm next. And he definitely is interest in pursuing a relationship with me.
I'm not the type of girl asking for too much, and he does made clear that he doesn't want to set me up with expectations that he can not meet right from beginning and I accepted. The fact that he works a lot, doesn't have much time. He doesn't use his free time to hang out with friends a lot or going to bars/clubs. He mostly spend his weekend and day off with his brothers and me.
I never met anyone of his friends and family members, but they do know he's dating me (I'm sure about this).
He never lets me visit him when he's sick. I'm guessing because of the fact he lives with his parents and brothers.He doesn't call (well, right from when we know each other), sometimes he doesn't respond to me. We had a talk about it and he's making small change about it since. He knows that I always empty my weekend for him, no matter what but he stood me up one and I was really upset. I talked to him about it and he said he sorry and will change that, try to share more with me.
I do really love him, but it seems like he doesn't feel the same way. Even though he said he cares and do think about me during the week (why wouldn't he call or txt) until the weekend? We spend Friday, Saturday night together and Sunday sometimes every single week. He doesn't say emotionally affectionate words, but when he hugs or kisses me, I can feel it, I can feel he does has feeling for me.
I just don't think I'm part of his life, since he doesn't even let me know when he was sick or txt or call me. I really want it to work, he is an introverted person, he doesn't talk much or show much feelings, but he is very honest to me, doesn't say things just because I want to hear them.
We only been dating for more than a month now (not included the time we talked and know each other, while I was on vacation). He never officially asked me out but we got together when I got back, and I make sure to ask him if we are exclusive and going out... so that I don't assumed anything.
I really need help. Should I wait and see how things go for longer since it's only more than a month? and I do accepted for who he is, that he doesn't show much.... but then how I know if he really wants a relationship or is it just about sex? (He never forced me to have sex and sometimes we don't even have sex, just hang out watch movies and fall asleep). Should I keep going and not making myself thinking too much? OR should I get over this and move on with my life?
VictorM's advice:
Keep going, for sure. Sounds like you have a good thing going and are worrying prematurely about things that may never happen. After only one month of going out, I see no red flags yet.
Guys can be very guarded about using the love word. So it's no surprise at all that he's not been ready to say that word.
Many guys don't like a fuss being made over them when they don't feel well. They prefer to be left alone. The last thing they want is a girlfriend acting protective and worried like she's his mother. Guys keep their pain and discomfort to themselves most of the time.
Yes, the damn phone and damn text inventions... truly evil inventions. Guys hate them because we're very physical beings. We can live happily without much contact until the next time we can see you, smell you, touch you, and taste you. If his hugs convey passion, that matters much more than text messages. As long as he's making an effort to respond to your concerns about the phone, you're in good shape.
He's not ready to introduce you to family and friends. And after one month only, that makes all the sense in the world.
By emily, 19, from arizona:
I met this guy online. We talked for a month before we first meet each other for the first time. I had sex with him on the first time we met and feel really awkward about it. I wasn't attracted to him at all (physically, he was attracted to me). He texted me after that night saying he had fun and hoped I do too. I stopped talking to him for a week to have time to think about it. He is a really nice and sweet guy after all. I decided to give it a try.
We talked again, and saw each other again after 2 weeks. He spent the night at my place that weekend and on Sunday, he went out of state to work. We talked every single night (I always the one who called, he said he doesn't like to communicate by phone). But we have good communications. During those time, I asked what is he looking for? He said he is not looking but he is open if the right person comes up, and he interesting in pursuing a relationship with me but doesn't want it happen too fast.
He got back in town on the day I was flying out of the country for my vacation for 2 months. He made it to the airport just to see me for only 10 minutes (after he just left the airport 3hours before that).
During my vacation time, we chatted and I told him that I think I love him. To be honest, I really thought about it and I do think I love him for who he really is. He said, he was flattered to know that and he thinks he is falling for me too. After 2 weeks of vacation, he starts not to pick up his phone and returning my txt, and I send him a deal breaker txt, if he doesn't want to deal with me anymore, just say it and I promise I will leave him alone. He txt me back that everything is fine, he just been working overtime like crazy and sleeping on his time off.
I got over that. We keep talking normal again, but much less than before. We don't chat anymore, only talk when I call. The silence of not picking up the phone or returning my txt happen one more time before my vacation ended, but then he explained himself and I let it by again.
Since I got back to the States, we see each other every single weekend. I asked if we are exclusive and he said yes. I asked if he loves me, and he said he normally doesn't use that word and he doesn't know if he loves me yet, but he does have very strong feeling for me and it going toward a positive direction, he cares and think that he is very lucky to know me and he doesn't want to lose me at all. After his family and his work, I'm next. And he definitely is interest in pursuing a relationship with me.
I'm not the type of girl asking for too much, and he does made clear that he doesn't want to set me up with expectations that he can not meet right from beginning and I accepted. The fact that he works a lot, doesn't have much time. He doesn't use his free time to hang out with friends a lot or going to bars/clubs. He mostly spend his weekend and day off with his brothers and me.
I never met anyone of his friends and family members, but they do know he's dating me (I'm sure about this).
He never lets me visit him when he's sick. I'm guessing because of the fact he lives with his parents and brothers.He doesn't call (well, right from when we know each other), sometimes he doesn't respond to me. We had a talk about it and he's making small change about it since. He knows that I always empty my weekend for him, no matter what but he stood me up one and I was really upset. I talked to him about it and he said he sorry and will change that, try to share more with me.
I do really love him, but it seems like he doesn't feel the same way. Even though he said he cares and do think about me during the week (why wouldn't he call or txt) until the weekend? We spend Friday, Saturday night together and Sunday sometimes every single week. He doesn't say emotionally affectionate words, but when he hugs or kisses me, I can feel it, I can feel he does has feeling for me.
I just don't think I'm part of his life, since he doesn't even let me know when he was sick or txt or call me. I really want it to work, he is an introverted person, he doesn't talk much or show much feelings, but he is very honest to me, doesn't say things just because I want to hear them.
We only been dating for more than a month now (not included the time we talked and know each other, while I was on vacation). He never officially asked me out but we got together when I got back, and I make sure to ask him if we are exclusive and going out... so that I don't assumed anything.
I really need help. Should I wait and see how things go for longer since it's only more than a month? and I do accepted for who he is, that he doesn't show much.... but then how I know if he really wants a relationship or is it just about sex? (He never forced me to have sex and sometimes we don't even have sex, just hang out watch movies and fall asleep). Should I keep going and not making myself thinking too much? OR should I get over this and move on with my life?
VictorM's advice:
Keep going, for sure. Sounds like you have a good thing going and are worrying prematurely about things that may never happen. After only one month of going out, I see no red flags yet.
Guys can be very guarded about using the love word. So it's no surprise at all that he's not been ready to say that word.
Many guys don't like a fuss being made over them when they don't feel well. They prefer to be left alone. The last thing they want is a girlfriend acting protective and worried like she's his mother. Guys keep their pain and discomfort to themselves most of the time.
Yes, the damn phone and damn text inventions... truly evil inventions. Guys hate them because we're very physical beings. We can live happily without much contact until the next time we can see you, smell you, touch you, and taste you. If his hugs convey passion, that matters much more than text messages. As long as he's making an effort to respond to your concerns about the phone, you're in good shape.
He's not ready to introduce you to family and friends. And after one month only, that makes all the sense in the world.
Technorati Tags: online dating, sex on first date, unreturned text messages, he doesn't like phone, not met his family
Sunday, November 23, 2008
My "special guy friend" doesn't talk to me as much
Submitted on Sunday, November 23, 2008
By Kat, 22, from east coast:
My "special guy friend" doesn't talk to me as much as he use to anymore and I'm concerned.
He lives in a state far from me, but we have been talking for over 6 months now, and we text each other everyday. Because we don't see each other very often, we would talk on the phone often too. But recently I feel like he is becoming distant. He rarely picks up his phone. I understand that he is a very busy person but... I asked him if he considered us dating, and he said we were not. We are just at a talking stage... But he made it clear that we like each other and we enjoy each others company.
I'm so confused. I want to ask him how he really feels but I'm not really his girl friend so I feel that I am in no position to tell him my feelings and to contact me more often. I'm so scared that I will lose him...
Is he really interested in me? Or is he just scared to take it to the next level? How do I make him realize my true feelings and how do I tell him without pressuring him??
Help me out you guys... I would really appreciate it...!
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
What are you confused about? He was clear that you're not dating. How more plainly does he have to say it to show you that romance is not in the cards?
And from a guy's point of view, it doesn't surprise me that that would be his position. Guys need to touch, feel, smell, taste their partner and be together to enjoy her presence. Guys generally derive no satisfaction from long distance, pie in the sky, castle in the air, let's talk and dream about being lovers, type situations. It gets old after a while, which explains him becoming distant.
Keep him as a friend and look for love closer to home. I bet that's what he's doing.
By Kat, 22, from east coast:
My "special guy friend" doesn't talk to me as much as he use to anymore and I'm concerned.
He lives in a state far from me, but we have been talking for over 6 months now, and we text each other everyday. Because we don't see each other very often, we would talk on the phone often too. But recently I feel like he is becoming distant. He rarely picks up his phone. I understand that he is a very busy person but... I asked him if he considered us dating, and he said we were not. We are just at a talking stage... But he made it clear that we like each other and we enjoy each others company.
I'm so confused. I want to ask him how he really feels but I'm not really his girl friend so I feel that I am in no position to tell him my feelings and to contact me more often. I'm so scared that I will lose him...
Is he really interested in me? Or is he just scared to take it to the next level? How do I make him realize my true feelings and how do I tell him without pressuring him??
Help me out you guys... I would really appreciate it...!
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
What are you confused about? He was clear that you're not dating. How more plainly does he have to say it to show you that romance is not in the cards?
And from a guy's point of view, it doesn't surprise me that that would be his position. Guys need to touch, feel, smell, taste their partner and be together to enjoy her presence. Guys generally derive no satisfaction from long distance, pie in the sky, castle in the air, let's talk and dream about being lovers, type situations. It gets old after a while, which explains him becoming distant.
Keep him as a friend and look for love closer to home. I bet that's what he's doing.
Technorati Tags: long distance relationship, becoming distant, reducing contact
Everything he does confuses me
Submitted on Saturday, November 22, 2008
By mandi, 17, from USA:
ok this is confusing.... but i need help with it..... i like this guy in my high school he is the same grade as me and everything. At the beginning of the school year he would make it known he liked me (i think), like he would stand up in class and tell the whole class he likes me, but i know he did just to be funny. He also likes another girl in the class and i know they hang out together a lot after school and he is always flirting with me and this other girl. Although i am a virgin, i know the other girl and the guy i like are both not.
Everything he does confuses me. Is he a player? Does he really like me? Should I just forget about him? Should I flirt back? i don't know!!! He is sooo cute, he works out at the gym all the time sooo he is ripped and sooo hot, and he is the star and captin of the football team but it is known that he is a big flirt with the girls, he parties a lot, drinks a lot, does all kinds of drugs (smokes, does weed, chews, and does pills) and he is known to have a lot of girlfriends but he always treated them good... is he just playing me and just trying to show off in front of the class?
VictorM's advice:
Is he a player? I think that term is overused. He's a teen boy who not that long ago discovered the opposite sex and seems to have a healthy desire for their attention. I wouldn't call him a player, just someone unlikely to sit at home waiting for The One to show up.
Does he really like me? Of course he likes you. And the other girl, and the other one, and yet another one. He doesn't like you exclusively. And unlike girls, he doesn't have to fall in love with you to enjoy your company or your attention.
Should I just forget about him? Of course not. Just don't think of him as the father of your children. He's a fun guy, having a fun life. Think of him in the proper perspective.
Should I flirt back? Sure. Why not? Have fun, get his attention, make him crave you, but remember that he's highly unlikely to want a steady relationship.
Guys are always trying to show off. So if it's well-known around school that you're a virgin, I wouldn't be surprised if he's after the boasting rights of saying he was your first. Trust me, that is a prize for most guys.
By mandi, 17, from USA:
ok this is confusing.... but i need help with it..... i like this guy in my high school he is the same grade as me and everything. At the beginning of the school year he would make it known he liked me (i think), like he would stand up in class and tell the whole class he likes me, but i know he did just to be funny. He also likes another girl in the class and i know they hang out together a lot after school and he is always flirting with me and this other girl. Although i am a virgin, i know the other girl and the guy i like are both not.
Everything he does confuses me. Is he a player? Does he really like me? Should I just forget about him? Should I flirt back? i don't know!!! He is sooo cute, he works out at the gym all the time sooo he is ripped and sooo hot, and he is the star and captin of the football team but it is known that he is a big flirt with the girls, he parties a lot, drinks a lot, does all kinds of drugs (smokes, does weed, chews, and does pills) and he is known to have a lot of girlfriends but he always treated them good... is he just playing me and just trying to show off in front of the class?
VictorM's advice:
Is he a player? I think that term is overused. He's a teen boy who not that long ago discovered the opposite sex and seems to have a healthy desire for their attention. I wouldn't call him a player, just someone unlikely to sit at home waiting for The One to show up.
Does he really like me? Of course he likes you. And the other girl, and the other one, and yet another one. He doesn't like you exclusively. And unlike girls, he doesn't have to fall in love with you to enjoy your company or your attention.
Should I just forget about him? Of course not. Just don't think of him as the father of your children. He's a fun guy, having a fun life. Think of him in the proper perspective.
Should I flirt back? Sure. Why not? Have fun, get his attention, make him crave you, but remember that he's highly unlikely to want a steady relationship.
Guys are always trying to show off. So if it's well-known around school that you're a virgin, I wouldn't be surprised if he's after the boasting rights of saying he was your first. Trust me, that is a prize for most guys.
Technorati Tags: does he like me, high school attraction, should i flirt, is he a player
"T" proposed to me last night
Submitted on Saturday, November 22, 2008
By Alanna, 21:
V!!!.... "T" proposed to me last night..... we've been dating since June (which you already know).... Are there other relationships that have been like this? And how likely is it to last? I'm in love with "T". He loves me. I wouldn't want it to fade... he asked me one thing, and he asked me "please...don't ever change."
What's that supposed to mean? I'm not going to change.... I'm still the same girl that he met in front of the porch crying about some crazy "M" who cheated on her haha!
I need your input... I don't even graduate college until early 2010......
Anyway.... what do you think of this?
thanks V!!!
VictorM's advice:
Well, this seems rather sudden but being engaged is not the same as getting married; it's a show of intended commitment, and as such, it's a good thing. So I say: congratulations.
It's good to know that your father didn't kill him. :)
By Alanna, 21:
V!!!.... "T" proposed to me last night..... we've been dating since June (which you already know).... Are there other relationships that have been like this? And how likely is it to last? I'm in love with "T". He loves me. I wouldn't want it to fade... he asked me one thing, and he asked me "please...don't ever change."
What's that supposed to mean? I'm not going to change.... I'm still the same girl that he met in front of the porch crying about some crazy "M" who cheated on her haha!
I need your input... I don't even graduate college until early 2010......
Anyway.... what do you think of this?
thanks V!!!
VictorM's advice:
Well, this seems rather sudden but being engaged is not the same as getting married; it's a show of intended commitment, and as such, it's a good thing. So I say: congratulations.
It's good to know that your father didn't kill him. :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
He is in the military
Submitted on Friday, November 21, 2008
By Adrianna, 30, from San Jose:
I am kind of dating this guy. I have know him for 3 years but it's a little bit complicated. He is in the military. Is it possible to have a long distance relationship with a soldier for 4 years?
I notice that I never call him by his name, I always say "baby," "sexy," or "handsome." Is that okay or should I start calling him by his name instead?
When we talk on the phone he always say things like he miss kissing me, miss my lips and tells me that he thinks that I am beautiful. So does this means that he only likes me for my appearance?
VictorM's advice:
Long term relationships are very hard. It's possible to make them work, but it won't be easy.
Using terms of endearment is perfectly fine. As long as he likes them, why not?
Guys are very physical beings and so it's natural that he relates missing you to your physical being. It doesn't mean he only likes you for your looks. It's just a reflection of how he's most comfortable communicating.
By Adrianna, 30, from San Jose:
I am kind of dating this guy. I have know him for 3 years but it's a little bit complicated. He is in the military. Is it possible to have a long distance relationship with a soldier for 4 years?
I notice that I never call him by his name, I always say "baby," "sexy," or "handsome." Is that okay or should I start calling him by his name instead?
When we talk on the phone he always say things like he miss kissing me, miss my lips and tells me that he thinks that I am beautiful. So does this means that he only likes me for my appearance?
VictorM's advice:
Long term relationships are very hard. It's possible to make them work, but it won't be easy.
Using terms of endearment is perfectly fine. As long as he likes them, why not?
Guys are very physical beings and so it's natural that he relates missing you to your physical being. It doesn't mean he only likes you for your looks. It's just a reflection of how he's most comfortable communicating.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, long distance relationship, military dating, compliments about looks
I meet an American guy 3 years ago in Spain
Submitted on Friday, November 21, 2008
By Olivia, 27, from California:
I meet an American guy 3 years ago in Spain. I was working there and he was on holiday. We spend a couple of days together with his friends. We meet later on in Italy (he paid for my ticket) and back on Spain for 4 days each.
I went back home to Sweden and he to Germany (he was stationed there at the time). After 9 month I came to visit him in Sacramento for 3 weeks in May and we had a wonderful time and I even meet his son. We planned that I would come back in September but he was called up and had was sent to Iraq, and was stationed overseas for 2 years. And for those 2 years I think I only talked to him twice.
I had a dream to study in the States so I made the decision to move to California to attend community college and to be closer to him. But now I'm here, I haven't got the chance to see him (he is stationed in Texas). So I'm thinking of going back home and get my bachelors degree and then come back and work as a nurse instead. It's really expensive as a international students, it will cost 90,000 dollars. He said to me that I could transfer to a community college in Sacramento and stay in his house but I don't want to be there if he is not there.
I really feel a connection to this guy and he feels like The One. I know that he likes me but I'm not sure if he likes me enough. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't want to commit. He says that he really likes me, that he is crazy about me and that he thinks about me all the time. But it feels that he doesn't make the effort to see me. He has been asking me questions in general like; if I want kids and if I want to get married in the future. He is going to stay in the military for at least 5 more years and I would be finished with my Swedish degree in 5 years, but would he wait for me for 5 years? I asked him if he was dating anyone and he just said that I don't need to worry. The times that we spent together he was been very loving and I can feel that he likes me a lot. He has sometimes trouble talking about feelings but he is good at showing them. But when we talk on the phone he can sometimes feel distance.
Do you think that he likes me enough?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he likes you enough, but most guys really don't like the phone, don't feel comfortable talking about feelings over it, and can appear distant when using that evil contraption. None of that is a reflections of their feelings.
A prolonged long distance relationship, if you decide to give it a shot, won't be easy. As you experienced for two years, the contact could be minimal. Granted, his demands in Iraq I'm sure were much different than in Texas, but still, the lack of physical contact will be a strain.
I don't know what you mean by him not making an effort to see you, but it does sound to me like he's trying to keep this relationship somewhat cool, just going with the flow and seeing where it leads without feeling the need to commit now. Can't say that I blame him. Sounds like a wise option for both of you to follow. If, down the road, when you're both capable of being in the same location, you can decide if you're still The One for each other.
By Olivia, 27, from California:
I meet an American guy 3 years ago in Spain. I was working there and he was on holiday. We spend a couple of days together with his friends. We meet later on in Italy (he paid for my ticket) and back on Spain for 4 days each.
I went back home to Sweden and he to Germany (he was stationed there at the time). After 9 month I came to visit him in Sacramento for 3 weeks in May and we had a wonderful time and I even meet his son. We planned that I would come back in September but he was called up and had was sent to Iraq, and was stationed overseas for 2 years. And for those 2 years I think I only talked to him twice.
I had a dream to study in the States so I made the decision to move to California to attend community college and to be closer to him. But now I'm here, I haven't got the chance to see him (he is stationed in Texas). So I'm thinking of going back home and get my bachelors degree and then come back and work as a nurse instead. It's really expensive as a international students, it will cost 90,000 dollars. He said to me that I could transfer to a community college in Sacramento and stay in his house but I don't want to be there if he is not there.
I really feel a connection to this guy and he feels like The One. I know that he likes me but I'm not sure if he likes me enough. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't want to commit. He says that he really likes me, that he is crazy about me and that he thinks about me all the time. But it feels that he doesn't make the effort to see me. He has been asking me questions in general like; if I want kids and if I want to get married in the future. He is going to stay in the military for at least 5 more years and I would be finished with my Swedish degree in 5 years, but would he wait for me for 5 years? I asked him if he was dating anyone and he just said that I don't need to worry. The times that we spent together he was been very loving and I can feel that he likes me a lot. He has sometimes trouble talking about feelings but he is good at showing them. But when we talk on the phone he can sometimes feel distance.
Do you think that he likes me enough?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he likes you enough, but most guys really don't like the phone, don't feel comfortable talking about feelings over it, and can appear distant when using that evil contraption. None of that is a reflections of their feelings.
A prolonged long distance relationship, if you decide to give it a shot, won't be easy. As you experienced for two years, the contact could be minimal. Granted, his demands in Iraq I'm sure were much different than in Texas, but still, the lack of physical contact will be a strain.
I don't know what you mean by him not making an effort to see you, but it does sound to me like he's trying to keep this relationship somewhat cool, just going with the flow and seeing where it leads without feeling the need to commit now. Can't say that I blame him. Sounds like a wise option for both of you to follow. If, down the road, when you're both capable of being in the same location, you can decide if you're still The One for each other.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, long distance relationship, military dating
It was obvious how much chemistry we had
Submitted on Friday, November 21, 2008
By Anita, 26, from canada:
Hi,
I used to know this guy about 3 years ago, we were both attracted to each other, one day we made out, and it was obvious how much chemistry we had. But he wasn't completely over his ex, he preferred not to hurt me, and I just decided to stop seeing him or talking to him.
About a month ago we started talking again on MSN, and he remembered me exactly, my voice, everything about me, and he remembers how sweet I was, and how comforting my voice was. But this time, he has been single for about a year and half, he's now studying for a great career, and is stable emotionally. We have been talking almost every day for so many hours, sometimes up until 3am, and it has been great, seems like something will come out of it this time. He flirts a lot with me, and how good I look, or how he likes my personality, or the things we have to do together, and all sorts of plans.
But the problem is, whenever we make plans to see each other, it doesn't work out, either I can't make it or he can't. We're from the same city but he now studies about 2 hours away, and that makes it harder for us to see each other regularly. One time we were supposed to have lunch, but on that day he wouldn't answer his phone, and I called and messaged him, but he only texted back about 1 hour later, when I was no longer available, and said he overslept because of a headache. A couple days later I confronted him, and asked if he was scared of meeting or what. He said he was just bad at relationships, and it has never been easy for him. He apologized, and kept on trying to get my attention or making up for it.
While we were talking one night, he was saying how he would flirt with girls etc. so I asked him why he flirted with me? He said he doesn't flirt with me, what ever he tells me he's serious about it, not like with other girls, with me it's all serious and he doesn't play with me.
What should I understand from all this? Should I be the one initiating? I'm really confused. I'm very attracted to him, I see a future with him, and we have a connection on so many levels... I really don't know what to do! Please help me...what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's as serious about you as you are about him. Come on, 2 hours is not such a great distance to visit each other one or twice, but it is quite a burden to see each other regularly. That's why flirting with local girls is fun and why he oversleeps.
You might not be so confused about all of this if you didn't speak for him so much. Let's be clear: YOU (not "we") felt chemistry, and YOU (not "we") feel a connection on so many levels. I'm aware he might have agreed with you on these points, but seriously, what was he supposed to say?
You are projecting emotional feelings into him that he may not share, and ignore a basic fact about guys -- they're very physically oriented. It's one thing to pass the time at night chatting with you -- something that he can do when he feels like it and not come online when he doesn't feel like it -- and quite another to feel committed, or at least serious, about a girl he won't see that often.
He wasn't ready for you once before, and I suspect he's not ready for you yet. I say this because if at the early stages he's not bending backwards to be with you, you're not reading him well.
Keep talking to him, date other guys, let him be the one driving the idea of you two meeting. If he shows interest, you may be on to something, but if he's not aggressive about seeing you, he's just talk.
By Anita, 26, from canada:
Hi,
I used to know this guy about 3 years ago, we were both attracted to each other, one day we made out, and it was obvious how much chemistry we had. But he wasn't completely over his ex, he preferred not to hurt me, and I just decided to stop seeing him or talking to him.
About a month ago we started talking again on MSN, and he remembered me exactly, my voice, everything about me, and he remembers how sweet I was, and how comforting my voice was. But this time, he has been single for about a year and half, he's now studying for a great career, and is stable emotionally. We have been talking almost every day for so many hours, sometimes up until 3am, and it has been great, seems like something will come out of it this time. He flirts a lot with me, and how good I look, or how he likes my personality, or the things we have to do together, and all sorts of plans.
But the problem is, whenever we make plans to see each other, it doesn't work out, either I can't make it or he can't. We're from the same city but he now studies about 2 hours away, and that makes it harder for us to see each other regularly. One time we were supposed to have lunch, but on that day he wouldn't answer his phone, and I called and messaged him, but he only texted back about 1 hour later, when I was no longer available, and said he overslept because of a headache. A couple days later I confronted him, and asked if he was scared of meeting or what. He said he was just bad at relationships, and it has never been easy for him. He apologized, and kept on trying to get my attention or making up for it.
While we were talking one night, he was saying how he would flirt with girls etc. so I asked him why he flirted with me? He said he doesn't flirt with me, what ever he tells me he's serious about it, not like with other girls, with me it's all serious and he doesn't play with me.
What should I understand from all this? Should I be the one initiating? I'm really confused. I'm very attracted to him, I see a future with him, and we have a connection on so many levels... I really don't know what to do! Please help me...what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's as serious about you as you are about him. Come on, 2 hours is not such a great distance to visit each other one or twice, but it is quite a burden to see each other regularly. That's why flirting with local girls is fun and why he oversleeps.
You might not be so confused about all of this if you didn't speak for him so much. Let's be clear: YOU (not "we") felt chemistry, and YOU (not "we") feel a connection on so many levels. I'm aware he might have agreed with you on these points, but seriously, what was he supposed to say?
You are projecting emotional feelings into him that he may not share, and ignore a basic fact about guys -- they're very physically oriented. It's one thing to pass the time at night chatting with you -- something that he can do when he feels like it and not come online when he doesn't feel like it -- and quite another to feel committed, or at least serious, about a girl he won't see that often.
He wasn't ready for you once before, and I suspect he's not ready for you yet. I say this because if at the early stages he's not bending backwards to be with you, you're not reading him well.
Keep talking to him, date other guys, let him be the one driving the idea of you two meeting. If he shows interest, you may be on to something, but if he's not aggressive about seeing you, he's just talk.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, long distance relationship, is he interested
He seems to have put a bit of distance between us
Submitted on Friday, November 21, 2008
By suzie, 33:
Hi there,
I'm after some help. I've been out with a guy a few times now, and we have got on amazingly. Prior to the second time of us going out, he was texting me, to say how excited he was about meeting up etc. Again, we got on really well.
However, the last week, he seems to have put a bit of distance between us. We chat most days on MSN, however, we were texting a lot to one another, now he only texts if I text him. He did say, after the second time we went out, that he can't wait to see me again. However, he did come around to mine, and we did end up having sex.
I've asked him if everything is OK, and he says that I'm worrying over nothing, and if there was anything wrong, that he would tell me.
But, am I doing all the chasing? Or just paranoid? Any ideas as to what is going on? Just strange how he goes from the constant contact, to, leaving it all virtually to me!
VictorM's advice:
It is normal for guys to initially pay a lot of attention to a new girl, but once they feel they have her (and nothing says it louder than having sex), he eases off. Most guys do that. It's the Mission Accomplished syndrome. But the same behavior is also normal for guys who are losing interest in her. And usually, they will say everything is OK... until one day. So you really can't go by his words.
You say he left it all virtually to you to initiate contact. I beg to differ. You have assumed he left it up to you. If he doesn't message you within an arbitrary period of time, you initiate contact. So really, you never allow yourself to learn if he's just slowing down or if he lost interest.
The solution is rather simple: don't initiate the contact. See how long it takes for him to contact you. Believe me, if he's into you, he'll chase you, otherwise... say your goodbyes.
By suzie, 33:
Hi there,
I'm after some help. I've been out with a guy a few times now, and we have got on amazingly. Prior to the second time of us going out, he was texting me, to say how excited he was about meeting up etc. Again, we got on really well.
However, the last week, he seems to have put a bit of distance between us. We chat most days on MSN, however, we were texting a lot to one another, now he only texts if I text him. He did say, after the second time we went out, that he can't wait to see me again. However, he did come around to mine, and we did end up having sex.
I've asked him if everything is OK, and he says that I'm worrying over nothing, and if there was anything wrong, that he would tell me.
But, am I doing all the chasing? Or just paranoid? Any ideas as to what is going on? Just strange how he goes from the constant contact, to, leaving it all virtually to me!
VictorM's advice:
It is normal for guys to initially pay a lot of attention to a new girl, but once they feel they have her (and nothing says it louder than having sex), he eases off. Most guys do that. It's the Mission Accomplished syndrome. But the same behavior is also normal for guys who are losing interest in her. And usually, they will say everything is OK... until one day. So you really can't go by his words.
You say he left it all virtually to you to initiate contact. I beg to differ. You have assumed he left it up to you. If he doesn't message you within an arbitrary period of time, you initiate contact. So really, you never allow yourself to learn if he's just slowing down or if he lost interest.
The solution is rather simple: don't initiate the contact. See how long it takes for him to contact you. Believe me, if he's into you, he'll chase you, otherwise... say your goodbyes.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, less contact, is he interested, losing interest, contact after sex
Friday, November 21, 2008
Platonic best friends
Submitted on Thursday, November 20, 2008
By Kristin, 21, from Vermont:
Can you give a guy's perspective of being platonic best friends with someone of the opposite sex? My reason for asking is that I can't wrap my mind around having a BEST friend that is a guy, whom I wouldn't also be seriously interested in as a romantic partner, as long as he was at least a little attractive. I feel like the very strong emotions I have for the people closest to me (friends, family, whomever) are the same kind of emotions I have for people I want relationships with. So... if I have a male best friend, someone I am extremely close to, someone I share everything with, someone I am always thrilled to be around, someone I care very deeply about... (exactly what you would expect from a BEST friend kind of relationship)... it only makes sense that, with a little attraction, I would automatically want something more. If he's my best friend, I obviously like him a lot, right? And if he's attractive, well, that's nice too. And if I care about him... well... that's the most important thing. I feel like it is totally unavoidable to not want something more. (And, after talking to a bunch of female friends, it seems like this sentiment is common for girls.) Yet... it seems like boys don't share this pattern of desire. Can you explain why not? What's the difference? If a boy is best friends with an attractive girl, and he obviously cares a great deal about her and admits to finding her attractive... why wouldn't he want to date her? Why doesn't the best-friend-love that a guy feels transfer to romantic-love as easily as it does as it does for girls?
VictorM's advice:
It's interesting to me that you say this because I have the exact opposite perception. It seems to me that girls are all fine with having a great male friend, a guy that is so nice, and always there, who listens, etc. etc. but guys only stay friends with attractive girls as long as they harbor hopes of getting them in bed.
Clearly, we have a disconnect, but I really don't know which of us is closer to the truth.
A guy may not want to date an attractive girl with whom he's close friends because if they did they'd lose their freedom. Staying just friends allows him to enjoy the girl's company while being free to play the field and still keep alive the fantasy of sex.
I also think that these types of friendships are kept alive longer because of the efforts of the girls, who tend to be more nurturing about the relationship. Left mostly to the guys' discretion, these friendships would fade pretty quickly.
This sounds like a good discussion for the Argville forum where others can join in and give us their opinion. Join us there if you'd like to talk about it further.
By Kristin, 21, from Vermont:
Can you give a guy's perspective of being platonic best friends with someone of the opposite sex? My reason for asking is that I can't wrap my mind around having a BEST friend that is a guy, whom I wouldn't also be seriously interested in as a romantic partner, as long as he was at least a little attractive. I feel like the very strong emotions I have for the people closest to me (friends, family, whomever) are the same kind of emotions I have for people I want relationships with. So... if I have a male best friend, someone I am extremely close to, someone I share everything with, someone I am always thrilled to be around, someone I care very deeply about... (exactly what you would expect from a BEST friend kind of relationship)... it only makes sense that, with a little attraction, I would automatically want something more. If he's my best friend, I obviously like him a lot, right? And if he's attractive, well, that's nice too. And if I care about him... well... that's the most important thing. I feel like it is totally unavoidable to not want something more. (And, after talking to a bunch of female friends, it seems like this sentiment is common for girls.) Yet... it seems like boys don't share this pattern of desire. Can you explain why not? What's the difference? If a boy is best friends with an attractive girl, and he obviously cares a great deal about her and admits to finding her attractive... why wouldn't he want to date her? Why doesn't the best-friend-love that a guy feels transfer to romantic-love as easily as it does as it does for girls?
VictorM's advice:
It's interesting to me that you say this because I have the exact opposite perception. It seems to me that girls are all fine with having a great male friend, a guy that is so nice, and always there, who listens, etc. etc. but guys only stay friends with attractive girls as long as they harbor hopes of getting them in bed.
Clearly, we have a disconnect, but I really don't know which of us is closer to the truth.
A guy may not want to date an attractive girl with whom he's close friends because if they did they'd lose their freedom. Staying just friends allows him to enjoy the girl's company while being free to play the field and still keep alive the fantasy of sex.
I also think that these types of friendships are kept alive longer because of the efforts of the girls, who tend to be more nurturing about the relationship. Left mostly to the guys' discretion, these friendships would fade pretty quickly.
This sounds like a good discussion for the Argville forum where others can join in and give us their opinion. Join us there if you'd like to talk about it further.
Technorati Tags: platonic friendships, best friends, falling for a friend
Thursday, November 20, 2008
He has given me the silent treatment
Submitted on Thursday, November 20, 2008
By Kath, 30, from channel islands uk:
Been with my boyfriend for only three months, known him through working together in care profession (senior to him). He's upsetting staff through his aggressive attitude/manner and just recently has given me the silent treatment when we have been alone. What should l do?
VictorM's advice:
What should you do, other than dumping him and firing his ass, you mean?
For the silent treatment, the best thing is to not make a fuss and just walk away. The silent treatment is his way of getting your attention by reverting to childhood methods. Don't give him the attention he craves. He'll get over it quicker if the tactic isn't working.
As for work, well, you don't provide examples, but generally, it's much more successful to suggest changes in a positive manner than to reprimand him. Often, just highlighting one thing he did well works better than correcting him on many things he did wrong. Also, drop "you should have..." and replace it with "next time..." For example, "Next time Suzy does this I'd like you to do that" is more effective than "When Suzy did this you should have done that."
None of this may work. Some guys are just assholes. Consider that sometimes the best you can do is recognize that fact and purge them from your life rather than try to fix them.
By Kath, 30, from channel islands uk:
Been with my boyfriend for only three months, known him through working together in care profession (senior to him). He's upsetting staff through his aggressive attitude/manner and just recently has given me the silent treatment when we have been alone. What should l do?
VictorM's advice:
What should you do, other than dumping him and firing his ass, you mean?
For the silent treatment, the best thing is to not make a fuss and just walk away. The silent treatment is his way of getting your attention by reverting to childhood methods. Don't give him the attention he craves. He'll get over it quicker if the tactic isn't working.
As for work, well, you don't provide examples, but generally, it's much more successful to suggest changes in a positive manner than to reprimand him. Often, just highlighting one thing he did well works better than correcting him on many things he did wrong. Also, drop "you should have..." and replace it with "next time..." For example, "Next time Suzy does this I'd like you to do that" is more effective than "When Suzy did this you should have done that."
None of this may work. Some guys are just assholes. Consider that sometimes the best you can do is recognize that fact and purge them from your life rather than try to fix them.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, silent treatment, aggressive coworker
He left his e-mail open
Submitted on Thursday, November 20, 2008
By melissa, 21, from san diego:
I have been dating this guy for a while now. He left his e-mail open and I saw he e-mailed this girl that he dated only a couple weeks pictures on them two together (when they dated) and recent pics of him. I didn't say anything to him about it, but it really bothers me. He said that this girl is just a friend now and he doesn't have feelings for her and that he loves me. Should I be worried or just let it go? I just think it's weird.
VictorM's advice:
You should let it go because there's nothing weird about it.
Just because they're exes doesn't mean they have to be enemies. Lots of relationships end with no drama and no bitter feelings.
By melissa, 21, from san diego:
I have been dating this guy for a while now. He left his e-mail open and I saw he e-mailed this girl that he dated only a couple weeks pictures on them two together (when they dated) and recent pics of him. I didn't say anything to him about it, but it really bothers me. He said that this girl is just a friend now and he doesn't have feelings for her and that he loves me. Should I be worried or just let it go? I just think it's weird.
VictorM's advice:
You should let it go because there's nothing weird about it.
Just because they're exes doesn't mean they have to be enemies. Lots of relationships end with no drama and no bitter feelings.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, e-mailing his ex, contacting ex
I paid for a little background check
Submitted on Wednesday, November 19, 2008
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
I'm thrown off a bit. I met a guy online about 6 weeks ago and it has seemed fine till today. I did googling and also paid for a little background check and most things are fine - job, previous addresses. He worked for a prestigious company and I know people there and the hoops required to get employed there too. So I feel comfortable he isn't a killer etc. at least from a hiring perspective.
He invited me to come watch him run a marathon and bought the train tickets for this weekend. He told me the 4 marathons he has run before and I checked each city and found his results which lists age too and that's how I realized he is 40 - not 37. I mean it seems like something I would have discovered anyway.
He treats me really well - pays for everything - tells me how did he get so lucky to find me etc. (I see him about 3 times a week now). He even showed me a list he has been keeping of our dates because he forgot what we did on 7th - have been 11 dates now. I don't understand why his profile says the wrong age. At least he has not said it to my face yet. I will have dinner tomorrow and am trying to decide if I should bring this up before the marathon. Or perhaps wait till I see the results and say how funny it says you are 40 - not that I care but are you 37 or 40? Or what do you think I should do and when? In the ideal situation he comes clean and we can get a fresh start but I will need to figure out how/when. Please advise. Yes it is the same guy with the big penis;) I dont want to invest more there if i shouldn't;) we had first proper sex on 10th date and he seems to otherwise adore me - we get along really well.
VictorM's advice:
You paid for a background check? At first I was like wtf... but knowing you're in New York City, I guess I can understand that.
Guys generally don't lie about their age as girls do (true!) -- they generally lie about their height and the size of their penis (but in your case, you know he ain't lying about that).
There are lots of possible explanations for the discrepancy on the ages listed on the profile and races. If the profile age is not calculated automatically from his date of birth and he just typed it, maybe he just hasn't updated it in a while (I noticed that in my profile I listed the ages of my children and those ages are now 2 years off), and on the races, he might have given an age that gets him into a different age bracket. Who knows, there are countless other possible explanations, including, of course, that he's lying, for whatever reason.
I'd suggest that you simply ask what his age is. A simple, legitimate question. If it differs from his profile, say so ("are you aware that your profile says you're 37?"), if it differs from the age listed on the races, say so ("are you aware that on race such and such it said you're 40?")
You know Nathalie, this relationship isn't going to go far if suspicion is going to rule. You've done some checking, fine, that's who you are, but there's no need to keep treating him like he's a double agent. And it certainly sounds unbecoming to me for you to fib to see if he's fibbing.
Go back to focusing on the amount of lube you need to use next time. :)
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
I'm thrown off a bit. I met a guy online about 6 weeks ago and it has seemed fine till today. I did googling and also paid for a little background check and most things are fine - job, previous addresses. He worked for a prestigious company and I know people there and the hoops required to get employed there too. So I feel comfortable he isn't a killer etc. at least from a hiring perspective.
He invited me to come watch him run a marathon and bought the train tickets for this weekend. He told me the 4 marathons he has run before and I checked each city and found his results which lists age too and that's how I realized he is 40 - not 37. I mean it seems like something I would have discovered anyway.
He treats me really well - pays for everything - tells me how did he get so lucky to find me etc. (I see him about 3 times a week now). He even showed me a list he has been keeping of our dates because he forgot what we did on 7th - have been 11 dates now. I don't understand why his profile says the wrong age. At least he has not said it to my face yet. I will have dinner tomorrow and am trying to decide if I should bring this up before the marathon. Or perhaps wait till I see the results and say how funny it says you are 40 - not that I care but are you 37 or 40? Or what do you think I should do and when? In the ideal situation he comes clean and we can get a fresh start but I will need to figure out how/when. Please advise. Yes it is the same guy with the big penis;) I dont want to invest more there if i shouldn't;) we had first proper sex on 10th date and he seems to otherwise adore me - we get along really well.
VictorM's advice:
You paid for a background check? At first I was like wtf... but knowing you're in New York City, I guess I can understand that.
Guys generally don't lie about their age as girls do (true!) -- they generally lie about their height and the size of their penis (but in your case, you know he ain't lying about that).
There are lots of possible explanations for the discrepancy on the ages listed on the profile and races. If the profile age is not calculated automatically from his date of birth and he just typed it, maybe he just hasn't updated it in a while (I noticed that in my profile I listed the ages of my children and those ages are now 2 years off), and on the races, he might have given an age that gets him into a different age bracket. Who knows, there are countless other possible explanations, including, of course, that he's lying, for whatever reason.
I'd suggest that you simply ask what his age is. A simple, legitimate question. If it differs from his profile, say so ("are you aware that your profile says you're 37?"), if it differs from the age listed on the races, say so ("are you aware that on race such and such it said you're 40?")
You know Nathalie, this relationship isn't going to go far if suspicion is going to rule. You've done some checking, fine, that's who you are, but there's no need to keep treating him like he's a double agent. And it certainly sounds unbecoming to me for you to fib to see if he's fibbing.
Go back to focusing on the amount of lube you need to use next time. :)
Technorati Tags: dating advice, lying about age,
The problem is he has a girlfriend
Submitted on Wednesday, November 19, 2008
By Mistress, 18, from Birmingham:
A couple of months ago I moved to a new environment with new people around me. I didn't know what I was moving to but when I got good and comfortable I notice I live where a lot of partying goes on and nothing but boys live at. Recently me and a boy by the name of Jonathan started talking. At first we were just friends but our feelings have evolved into something bigger. I fell in love with him and he loves me. The problem is he has a girlfriend of 2 years but he spends all his time with me. He is so sweet and cares about me a lot he does act like he has a girlfriend when I would break up with him he would get so emotional and cry and be a mess. I would always feel sorry and bad about what I did and we would get back together. I so desperately want to know what to do. Should I stay and see what happens or end it and go my separate way? I think about my feelings first that's why it's so hard to leave. I was always told never leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like may leave you for the one he loves. You never know what you have until it's gone. Johnathan makes me happy and that's something I love about him. He's like the fairy tale prince you just want to hold on to and never let go. He's the boy little girls dream of having in their life but think it's impossible to have someone like that. I use to think that but now I know you can have it, you just have to be patient. Our love is real for each other, so what to do?
VictorM's advice:
He may be like a prince in a fairy tale, but there won't be any "and they lived happily ever after." Not unless his girlfriend is fine with all three of you being together.
Why doesn't he break up with his girlfriend if he's so into you? Does he feel as strongly about her as he does about you? I'm going to assume he doesn't because you said he spends most of his time with you. So why aren't you his only girlfriend?
Something smells fishy here and I think you're too blind to see it. After all, if he makes you so happy, why are you even writing to me? Why do you break-up with him?
There's no point in you asking me if you should end it or not. You simply don't have the strength to move on, and there's nothing I can say that will change that.
Face it, he may have the qualities of the prince you're looking for, but he's not your prince charming. You're not as happy with him as you claim to be. You have to be willing to risk losing him by telling him what's bothering you and what you want if you're going to have a change at a fairy tale with a happy ending.
By Mistress, 18, from Birmingham:
A couple of months ago I moved to a new environment with new people around me. I didn't know what I was moving to but when I got good and comfortable I notice I live where a lot of partying goes on and nothing but boys live at. Recently me and a boy by the name of Jonathan started talking. At first we were just friends but our feelings have evolved into something bigger. I fell in love with him and he loves me. The problem is he has a girlfriend of 2 years but he spends all his time with me. He is so sweet and cares about me a lot he does act like he has a girlfriend when I would break up with him he would get so emotional and cry and be a mess. I would always feel sorry and bad about what I did and we would get back together. I so desperately want to know what to do. Should I stay and see what happens or end it and go my separate way? I think about my feelings first that's why it's so hard to leave. I was always told never leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like may leave you for the one he loves. You never know what you have until it's gone. Johnathan makes me happy and that's something I love about him. He's like the fairy tale prince you just want to hold on to and never let go. He's the boy little girls dream of having in their life but think it's impossible to have someone like that. I use to think that but now I know you can have it, you just have to be patient. Our love is real for each other, so what to do?
VictorM's advice:
He may be like a prince in a fairy tale, but there won't be any "and they lived happily ever after." Not unless his girlfriend is fine with all three of you being together.
Why doesn't he break up with his girlfriend if he's so into you? Does he feel as strongly about her as he does about you? I'm going to assume he doesn't because you said he spends most of his time with you. So why aren't you his only girlfriend?
Something smells fishy here and I think you're too blind to see it. After all, if he makes you so happy, why are you even writing to me? Why do you break-up with him?
There's no point in you asking me if you should end it or not. You simply don't have the strength to move on, and there's nothing I can say that will change that.
Face it, he may have the qualities of the prince you're looking for, but he's not your prince charming. You're not as happy with him as you claim to be. You have to be willing to risk losing him by telling him what's bothering you and what you want if you're going to have a change at a fairy tale with a happy ending.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Places to meet guys
Submitted on Tuesday, November 18, 2008
By Nicole, 24, from Louisiana:
Hi Vic! I wanted to ask your opinion on places to meet guys. I'm sure you get this question a lot so I apologize for asking again. I'm from a sort of small city in Louisiana and I really feel like its impossible to meet new people here! I mean it feels like every time I go out it's the same guys I went to high school with or something. How can I meet available guys with such limited resources?
VictorM's advice:
I know that being in a small town makes things harder but the concept still applies: if you're not finding guys withing your circle, widen the circle or look for new circles.
One of the good pieces of advice I got when I divorced and wanted to date was for me to look for activities that I really enjoyed and that women participated in. This way, even if I didn't meet anyone worth dating, at least I enjoyed my time. For example, I love movies. So I joined a movie club -- we met twice a week, once to see a movie, another time to discuss that movie as a group. I never dated anyone from there but I enjoyed the discussions, so it wasn't a waste of my time.
Try to do the same. Look for things you like but you seldom do. Or things that your friends aren't into. This way you're bound to meet new people and, if you meet someone, you'll have at least one interest in common to get started.
It all depends on your interests, but it could be joining a bicycle club, attending night classes at your local high-school (I took French classes for a few weeks), joining a mixed gender basketball league, etc.
It would be best if you join activities with lots of men, but the most important thing for you to do is to widen your circle of possibilities. So even if you join a cooking or knitting group where you're not likely to meet guys but you can meet new women (outside your existing circle), that will do because some of them will have male friends or family members they might introduce you to.
Don't be bashful about letting people know that you're open to dating. Let the natural matchmakers do the leg work for you.
By Nicole, 24, from Louisiana:
Hi Vic! I wanted to ask your opinion on places to meet guys. I'm sure you get this question a lot so I apologize for asking again. I'm from a sort of small city in Louisiana and I really feel like its impossible to meet new people here! I mean it feels like every time I go out it's the same guys I went to high school with or something. How can I meet available guys with such limited resources?
VictorM's advice:
I know that being in a small town makes things harder but the concept still applies: if you're not finding guys withing your circle, widen the circle or look for new circles.
One of the good pieces of advice I got when I divorced and wanted to date was for me to look for activities that I really enjoyed and that women participated in. This way, even if I didn't meet anyone worth dating, at least I enjoyed my time. For example, I love movies. So I joined a movie club -- we met twice a week, once to see a movie, another time to discuss that movie as a group. I never dated anyone from there but I enjoyed the discussions, so it wasn't a waste of my time.
Try to do the same. Look for things you like but you seldom do. Or things that your friends aren't into. This way you're bound to meet new people and, if you meet someone, you'll have at least one interest in common to get started.
It all depends on your interests, but it could be joining a bicycle club, attending night classes at your local high-school (I took French classes for a few weeks), joining a mixed gender basketball league, etc.
It would be best if you join activities with lots of men, but the most important thing for you to do is to widen your circle of possibilities. So even if you join a cooking or knitting group where you're not likely to meet guys but you can meet new women (outside your existing circle), that will do because some of them will have male friends or family members they might introduce you to.
Don't be bashful about letting people know that you're open to dating. Let the natural matchmakers do the leg work for you.
We had a big whirlwind romance
Submitted on Tuesday, November 18, 2008
By Soozy, 38, from Glasgow:
Hi, I met a man ten months ago. He was a couple of years younger than me and of Greek descent. We had a big whirlwind romance - he used to say going out with me was like being on a magic carpet ride. He was very devoted to me, showered me with gifts, would spend his day off preparing food for us and buying me gifts and was generally very affectionate.
We had a major disagreement about attitudes to women (I felt he was demeaning women in a conversation and I told him that was not the kind of behaviour I wanted in my partner) about two months ago and he decided to call it off. He said it was because we weren't getting on (not true, but we did have difference of opinions, but he hated it when I didn't agree with him) because I am older than him and his family want him to marry a Greek woman. He also says he's not ready for a more serious relationship - even though I'd never indicated I wanted anything more than we had as I am currently going through a divorce.
Since the break, he has phoned, texted and generally been contacting me constantly - despite me asking him not to. I have tried to talk to him to see what the problem is but ultimately, I just keep getting the "I'm not ready yet" line. Eventually, I felt the persistent contact between us was unhealthy and recently, I told him not to contact me again and I've put in place means of ensuring he cannot get in touch now, unless he physically turns up at my house which I think is unlikely.
He seemed very disappointed when I told him that I need to take time out to heal. Says he misses me, feels close to me and it hurts him when I say I don't want to talk to him or spend time with him. I have not slept with him since the split. Nor have I subjected myself to temptation by being in his company. He would have been quite happy to hook up, for all the usual guy reasons I imagine, amongst other things.
Can you tell me what is really going on in this guy's head? He claims he still loves me and will always love me but he's not ready for what I want. I think he is angry with me for disagreeing with him and I think he thought I had finished with him that night as I dropped him off and didn't want to talk to him as I was so angry. I think he got cold feet. What do you think? And why, oh why, is he so desperate to talk to me every day and see me every day? It's as if it's not over for him in his head......
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's torn between two worlds: his love for you and tradition.
For the most part we are the product of our upbringing, some of us more than others. The more traditional our culture, the stronger its grasp over us. The role of women has been clearly defined in some cultures for centuries. In those cultures, that role is not demeaning, it is what it is, and they see it as providing the balance needed to maintain harmony. Of course, we in the west have a different take. I suggest that a better approach than being confrontational to deal with this difference in attitudes is to take a more educational role, one that seeks to explain why you have a different world view and seeks to understand (which is not the same as accept) how he thinks.
But I think the biggest problem impacting your relationship is his family. To ask him to confront the strongest and most precious entity in his life -- his family -- and risk alienating the one group that has been the source of all his nurturing, comfort, and safety is a tall order. As he see it, it probably comes down to a choice between you or them. A conundrum, indeed.
Why should he take such a risk as being expelled from his family over a woman who, despite the good times, doesn't see him fitting in in her world? I can understand the question giving him pause. Besides, guys think that when a woman says she's not looking for a serious relationship, she's either lying or in denial.
Yet, devoid of societal pressures --you with your views on the role of women, and his family with the mandate that he marry a Greek woman -- he loves your company. And so he can't let go of you so easily.
By Soozy, 38, from Glasgow:
Hi, I met a man ten months ago. He was a couple of years younger than me and of Greek descent. We had a big whirlwind romance - he used to say going out with me was like being on a magic carpet ride. He was very devoted to me, showered me with gifts, would spend his day off preparing food for us and buying me gifts and was generally very affectionate.
We had a major disagreement about attitudes to women (I felt he was demeaning women in a conversation and I told him that was not the kind of behaviour I wanted in my partner) about two months ago and he decided to call it off. He said it was because we weren't getting on (not true, but we did have difference of opinions, but he hated it when I didn't agree with him) because I am older than him and his family want him to marry a Greek woman. He also says he's not ready for a more serious relationship - even though I'd never indicated I wanted anything more than we had as I am currently going through a divorce.
Since the break, he has phoned, texted and generally been contacting me constantly - despite me asking him not to. I have tried to talk to him to see what the problem is but ultimately, I just keep getting the "I'm not ready yet" line. Eventually, I felt the persistent contact between us was unhealthy and recently, I told him not to contact me again and I've put in place means of ensuring he cannot get in touch now, unless he physically turns up at my house which I think is unlikely.
He seemed very disappointed when I told him that I need to take time out to heal. Says he misses me, feels close to me and it hurts him when I say I don't want to talk to him or spend time with him. I have not slept with him since the split. Nor have I subjected myself to temptation by being in his company. He would have been quite happy to hook up, for all the usual guy reasons I imagine, amongst other things.
Can you tell me what is really going on in this guy's head? He claims he still loves me and will always love me but he's not ready for what I want. I think he is angry with me for disagreeing with him and I think he thought I had finished with him that night as I dropped him off and didn't want to talk to him as I was so angry. I think he got cold feet. What do you think? And why, oh why, is he so desperate to talk to me every day and see me every day? It's as if it's not over for him in his head......
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's torn between two worlds: his love for you and tradition.
For the most part we are the product of our upbringing, some of us more than others. The more traditional our culture, the stronger its grasp over us. The role of women has been clearly defined in some cultures for centuries. In those cultures, that role is not demeaning, it is what it is, and they see it as providing the balance needed to maintain harmony. Of course, we in the west have a different take. I suggest that a better approach than being confrontational to deal with this difference in attitudes is to take a more educational role, one that seeks to explain why you have a different world view and seeks to understand (which is not the same as accept) how he thinks.
But I think the biggest problem impacting your relationship is his family. To ask him to confront the strongest and most precious entity in his life -- his family -- and risk alienating the one group that has been the source of all his nurturing, comfort, and safety is a tall order. As he see it, it probably comes down to a choice between you or them. A conundrum, indeed.
Why should he take such a risk as being expelled from his family over a woman who, despite the good times, doesn't see him fitting in in her world? I can understand the question giving him pause. Besides, guys think that when a woman says she's not looking for a serious relationship, she's either lying or in denial.
Yet, devoid of societal pressures --you with your views on the role of women, and his family with the mandate that he marry a Greek woman -- he loves your company. And so he can't let go of you so easily.
He is constantly telling me I am beautiful
Submitted on Monday, November 17, 2008
By Stephanie, 21, from Louisiana:
My best friend is a guy and I have been into him for a long time now. Every time I hang out with him he is constantly telling me I am beautiful that I am awesome/cool/an amazing girl blah blah blah.... He isn't really a flirty guy but he flirts with me a lot and he acts like he likes me. He treats me differently than he does other girls. He is amazing and unfortunately I have allowed myself to fall in love with my best friend. Stupid move on my part. But this past Sunday we were hanging out and he all of a sudden got excited and started proclaiming his love for some girl who is not me. Basically the question is do guys realize they are leading girls on? Why would he act as though he liked me, lead me on, and then tell me about this amazing girl he is falling in love with?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing stupid about falling for a guy that you think is amazing. And some of the best relationships start from friendship. So don't knock yourself over it. Besides, who you fall for isn't exactly under your control.
Your friend wasn't leading you on, he was simply expressing his opinions. I'm sure he genuinely thinks you're beautiful, awesome, and all that stuff. So he said it. Guys really are simple creatures. I'm sure he didn't consider what those compliments would do to you other than they would make you feel good.
Flirting is so often misunderstand. Both guys and girls often flirt with people they don't particular care for romantically. Often it's just a reflection of the mood we're in, often we do it because we can (as in, you're not going to tell him off), and often we do it just to make us feel better about ourselves. Of course, often we also do it because we really like the person. Whatever his motivation, leading you on probably was not his intention.
But, don't dismiss that this guy really likes you. It is possible that he thinks he stands no chance with you. That you're too good, too beautiful, too awesome, and that you feel only friendship for him. Again, as obvious as you think you might have been about your feelings, guys are fairly clueless about hints and such.
Telling you about another girl is also common behavior for a guy who likes you but is not sure how you feel about him. He would bring up the other girl to provoke a reaction from you to see if any of it bothers you and to gauge your interest, or lack of it.
So... he might think of you as just a friend, or he might really like you. None of what you told me rules either option out.
If you're bothered by him talking about the other girl, say so. Directly. Tell him it bothers you. If he asks why, you can either tell him the truth, or you can say "I don't know" and drive him bonkers wanting to find out. But whatever you do, just don't accept an unpleasant resolution without giving it a good shot. Don't expect him to read your mind. Do something.
By Stephanie, 21, from Louisiana:
My best friend is a guy and I have been into him for a long time now. Every time I hang out with him he is constantly telling me I am beautiful that I am awesome/cool/an amazing girl blah blah blah.... He isn't really a flirty guy but he flirts with me a lot and he acts like he likes me. He treats me differently than he does other girls. He is amazing and unfortunately I have allowed myself to fall in love with my best friend. Stupid move on my part. But this past Sunday we were hanging out and he all of a sudden got excited and started proclaiming his love for some girl who is not me. Basically the question is do guys realize they are leading girls on? Why would he act as though he liked me, lead me on, and then tell me about this amazing girl he is falling in love with?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing stupid about falling for a guy that you think is amazing. And some of the best relationships start from friendship. So don't knock yourself over it. Besides, who you fall for isn't exactly under your control.
Your friend wasn't leading you on, he was simply expressing his opinions. I'm sure he genuinely thinks you're beautiful, awesome, and all that stuff. So he said it. Guys really are simple creatures. I'm sure he didn't consider what those compliments would do to you other than they would make you feel good.
Flirting is so often misunderstand. Both guys and girls often flirt with people they don't particular care for romantically. Often it's just a reflection of the mood we're in, often we do it because we can (as in, you're not going to tell him off), and often we do it just to make us feel better about ourselves. Of course, often we also do it because we really like the person. Whatever his motivation, leading you on probably was not his intention.
But, don't dismiss that this guy really likes you. It is possible that he thinks he stands no chance with you. That you're too good, too beautiful, too awesome, and that you feel only friendship for him. Again, as obvious as you think you might have been about your feelings, guys are fairly clueless about hints and such.
Telling you about another girl is also common behavior for a guy who likes you but is not sure how you feel about him. He would bring up the other girl to provoke a reaction from you to see if any of it bothers you and to gauge your interest, or lack of it.
So... he might think of you as just a friend, or he might really like you. None of what you told me rules either option out.
If you're bothered by him talking about the other girl, say so. Directly. Tell him it bothers you. If he asks why, you can either tell him the truth, or you can say "I don't know" and drive him bonkers wanting to find out. But whatever you do, just don't accept an unpleasant resolution without giving it a good shot. Don't expect him to read your mind. Do something.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I met a guy one night at a bar
Submitted on Monday, November 17, 2008
By Cameron, 23:
I work doing promos at bars on the weekends and I met a guy one night at a bar that made it obvious he was attracted to me, and the same went for me. I did not get too much of a chance to talk to him but there was something about it. When i left i mentioned where i was working the next night casually, not thinking anything of it, and said it was great meeting him. THe next night he came to the bar to find me because he froze up the night before and didnt ask for the number. We went on two dates and they were great, and he seemed really interested. he is very attentive and responds to calls and texts right away which is great. Last week he came to visit me at work and stayed the whole time, and then later that week he stopped by a bar to just see me for 20 min before he headed home. Usually those things make it seem like he is really interested but now i'm concerned. Thurs was the last time I talked to him, he has not called or text me since then. I sent a text message on sun night and he never responded, which is very unlike him. We seem to get along great with each other, the same sense of humor and everything so I am wondering why all of a sudden he is not calling or anything. I mean its only been since thurs, but it has never gone this long without a phone call or anything... has he lost interest already?
VictorM's advice:
One of the strong possibilities is that he's lost interest. That's not uncommon after a guy is successful at getting your number, your attention, and he feels you're into him. Once the challenge or mystery is solved, he moves on.
But another strong possibility is that there is nothing wrong. Guys simply don't have nearly as much desire for the text/phone/email thing s girls do. We'll use those devices to coordinate something, but until we see you in person again, we have little use for those devilish inventions.
Be prepared for either to be the case.
By Cameron, 23:
I work doing promos at bars on the weekends and I met a guy one night at a bar that made it obvious he was attracted to me, and the same went for me. I did not get too much of a chance to talk to him but there was something about it. When i left i mentioned where i was working the next night casually, not thinking anything of it, and said it was great meeting him. THe next night he came to the bar to find me because he froze up the night before and didnt ask for the number. We went on two dates and they were great, and he seemed really interested. he is very attentive and responds to calls and texts right away which is great. Last week he came to visit me at work and stayed the whole time, and then later that week he stopped by a bar to just see me for 20 min before he headed home. Usually those things make it seem like he is really interested but now i'm concerned. Thurs was the last time I talked to him, he has not called or text me since then. I sent a text message on sun night and he never responded, which is very unlike him. We seem to get along great with each other, the same sense of humor and everything so I am wondering why all of a sudden he is not calling or anything. I mean its only been since thurs, but it has never gone this long without a phone call or anything... has he lost interest already?
VictorM's advice:
One of the strong possibilities is that he's lost interest. That's not uncommon after a guy is successful at getting your number, your attention, and he feels you're into him. Once the challenge or mystery is solved, he moves on.
But another strong possibility is that there is nothing wrong. Guys simply don't have nearly as much desire for the text/phone/email thing s girls do. We'll use those devices to coordinate something, but until we see you in person again, we have little use for those devilish inventions.
Be prepared for either to be the case.
Long distance relationship with an old boyfriend
Submitted on Monday, November 17, 2008
By adiva, 35, from uk:
Hi Victor
I have just started a long distance relationship with an old boyfriend, things seem to be going fine although we don't contact each other as much as we did in the beginning (like 40 times a day lol).. I miss this kind of contact but i know we couldn't keep it up. please could you give me some advice on how I should play this, I don't want to seem needy but i don't want him to think that I've lost interest either.. This is my first LDR.
VictorM's advice:
40 times a day?!?! Dear lord, don't you have work to do?
Well, there's no sane guy in the world that could keep up that intensity. Expect sharper drops in the days and weeks ahead.
A few things for you to keep in mind:
-- guys are very much affected by events around them in a way that impacts every aspect of their lives. If he's in a bad mood about something totally unrelated to you, he'll still be in a bad mood with you. Don't expect him to act all cheery and happy with you all the time just because you two are fine. (This will manifest itself in less contact and shorter exchanges).
-- don't assume that just because he doesn't reply within your own timetable that there is something wrong. He can't read your mind, he can't see your expressions, and he's unlikely to know how you're feeling at any given time of the day.
-- make your contact fun and easy going. Start reprimanding him about declining contact and you get even less contact.
You have an uphill climb. Guys are more physical beings than females and prolonged time without physical contact will make it harder on him than on you.
By adiva, 35, from uk:
Hi Victor
I have just started a long distance relationship with an old boyfriend, things seem to be going fine although we don't contact each other as much as we did in the beginning (like 40 times a day lol).. I miss this kind of contact but i know we couldn't keep it up. please could you give me some advice on how I should play this, I don't want to seem needy but i don't want him to think that I've lost interest either.. This is my first LDR.
VictorM's advice:
40 times a day?!?! Dear lord, don't you have work to do?
Well, there's no sane guy in the world that could keep up that intensity. Expect sharper drops in the days and weeks ahead.
A few things for you to keep in mind:
-- guys are very much affected by events around them in a way that impacts every aspect of their lives. If he's in a bad mood about something totally unrelated to you, he'll still be in a bad mood with you. Don't expect him to act all cheery and happy with you all the time just because you two are fine. (This will manifest itself in less contact and shorter exchanges).
-- don't assume that just because he doesn't reply within your own timetable that there is something wrong. He can't read your mind, he can't see your expressions, and he's unlikely to know how you're feeling at any given time of the day.
-- make your contact fun and easy going. Start reprimanding him about declining contact and you get even less contact.
You have an uphill climb. Guys are more physical beings than females and prolonged time without physical contact will make it harder on him than on you.
My friends with benefits situation has blown up in my face
Submitted on Monday, November 17, 2008
By Claudia, 41, from miami:
OK....my friends with benefits situation has blown up in my face. Started a friendship with a co-worker which after a year turned into a friends with benefits situation. He was clear about not wanting emotions to get involved. I agreed, especially since I was sort of out of his league and I don't mean that in a "full of myself kind of way." I hung in there strong and then it happened...my feelings got in the way...Being a very rational person (but cursed with the female gene) I understand that he is entitled to feel and not feel whatever he wants, I can't hold it against him that he is not feeling me, so I made the "big girl" decision and let him know that it's ok he's not feeling me, we had fun and we will continue to be friends. His initial reaction was that of any guy who is seeing his "commitment free sex" slipping away. Fast forward a few days and he's all about the friendship. Calling more than often. Can't I have a few days to scrape my self esteem off the ground? He is holding me to my words of just being friends but that transition doesn't happen overnight, since "my feelings" are what fucked everything up to begin with. Any insight would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's calling more often to make sure that you're OK and to let you know that he still appreciates you.
One of two outcomes are likely over the days ahead: those gestures will become less frequent over time as he seeks to put some distance between you two, or he'll be all around you because a man's ego loves being around a woman that likes him more then he likes her. Neither of the two is good for you.
You're better off rebuilding your self-esteem without him around. Stop taking his calls. Drop the friendship down a few notches. Keep it civil and polite at work. Spend your time and energy on something/someone new.
By Claudia, 41, from miami:
OK....my friends with benefits situation has blown up in my face. Started a friendship with a co-worker which after a year turned into a friends with benefits situation. He was clear about not wanting emotions to get involved. I agreed, especially since I was sort of out of his league and I don't mean that in a "full of myself kind of way." I hung in there strong and then it happened...my feelings got in the way...Being a very rational person (but cursed with the female gene) I understand that he is entitled to feel and not feel whatever he wants, I can't hold it against him that he is not feeling me, so I made the "big girl" decision and let him know that it's ok he's not feeling me, we had fun and we will continue to be friends. His initial reaction was that of any guy who is seeing his "commitment free sex" slipping away. Fast forward a few days and he's all about the friendship. Calling more than often. Can't I have a few days to scrape my self esteem off the ground? He is holding me to my words of just being friends but that transition doesn't happen overnight, since "my feelings" are what fucked everything up to begin with. Any insight would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's calling more often to make sure that you're OK and to let you know that he still appreciates you.
One of two outcomes are likely over the days ahead: those gestures will become less frequent over time as he seeks to put some distance between you two, or he'll be all around you because a man's ego loves being around a woman that likes him more then he likes her. Neither of the two is good for you.
You're better off rebuilding your self-esteem without him around. Stop taking his calls. Drop the friendship down a few notches. Keep it civil and polite at work. Spend your time and energy on something/someone new.
I hooked up with a guy after a very drunken party
Submitted on Monday, November 17, 2008
By Tara K, 25, from MI:
I hooked up with a guy after a very drunken party and assumed the next morning that we would never meet again. To my surprise he contacted me and wanted to meet me again, so we continued to see each other for another two weeks, mainly at each other's places after work. We never actually got around to going on real dates or doing anything fun, because he seemed reluctant to, yet he always made contact to see me again first. Sometimes he would initiate getting physical, but not other times, leading me to believe that he was genuinely interested in getting to know me. I also made it clear that I was not interested in having sex again until I knew we were becoming serious. However lately he seemed to be cooling off, not wanting to meet up with me, or call me as much as usual. Finally when I asked to meet him again, he agreed we had to talk and clear things up. He admitted he had only been looking for a casual fling but discovered I wanted to date more seriously. As a result he thought it was time to break things off. He said he was looking for a serious girlfriend but he didn't like me enough and he had "known from the start" he didn't see me in this way. Of course I was shocked, hurt, yet appreciated that he was being honest (for whatever it was worth) and not leading me on any further. The thing is, I'm still very attracted to him now and I don't understand why he won't give it a chance and try to get to know me better. We seem to click on a number of things, such as our liberal attitudes and love of adventure. I feel he can't judge my qualities just on a couple of weeks but he seems to have written me off from the beginning. I won't be a casual fling, but I'd like to get him to consider me seriously as a girlfriend. He said himself that I'm great, lots of fun, good to hang out with. I'm assuming he finds me fairly attractive as well. I think he could tell I was hurt from the conversation but I ended it without drama. Is there any way I can position myself in the best light and try to get him to reconsider? Is there anything at all I can do to trigger some sort of attraction or realization in him that he should at least try it out? Would it be terribly wrong to be upfront and ask him to give it a chance?
VictorM's advice:
It would be a waste of your time to ask him to give it a chance. Not only that, but it's most likely that he's cut out contact with you.
See, guys think about this very differently than girls. Girls are very open to the possibility that a guy can grow on you, or that you can mold him to your liking. Guys are much more practical -- if they don't feel it, it's over. Period. Next!
We don't make lists, we don't check them twice with all our friends. We're either feel it or we don't. And if we feel it and them lose it, we move on.
"Giving it a chance," "trying again," etc. we see all that as a big waste of time. There are too many women out there to explore to get stuck with one that doesn't excite our loins.
Now, that's not to say things can't change. It is entirely possible that he could fall in love with you, but if that's going to happen you have to: ease off and stop talking about it with him, be friendly when you see him, and try to make him feel good about himself when he's with you. This means subtle compliments and talking about topics he's very knowledge of. By themselves these actions aren't going to make him fall for you, but he'll enjoy your company, without pressure, and this gives him the time to get to know you better. And who knows... anything is possible.
By Tara K, 25, from MI:
I hooked up with a guy after a very drunken party and assumed the next morning that we would never meet again. To my surprise he contacted me and wanted to meet me again, so we continued to see each other for another two weeks, mainly at each other's places after work. We never actually got around to going on real dates or doing anything fun, because he seemed reluctant to, yet he always made contact to see me again first. Sometimes he would initiate getting physical, but not other times, leading me to believe that he was genuinely interested in getting to know me. I also made it clear that I was not interested in having sex again until I knew we were becoming serious. However lately he seemed to be cooling off, not wanting to meet up with me, or call me as much as usual. Finally when I asked to meet him again, he agreed we had to talk and clear things up. He admitted he had only been looking for a casual fling but discovered I wanted to date more seriously. As a result he thought it was time to break things off. He said he was looking for a serious girlfriend but he didn't like me enough and he had "known from the start" he didn't see me in this way. Of course I was shocked, hurt, yet appreciated that he was being honest (for whatever it was worth) and not leading me on any further. The thing is, I'm still very attracted to him now and I don't understand why he won't give it a chance and try to get to know me better. We seem to click on a number of things, such as our liberal attitudes and love of adventure. I feel he can't judge my qualities just on a couple of weeks but he seems to have written me off from the beginning. I won't be a casual fling, but I'd like to get him to consider me seriously as a girlfriend. He said himself that I'm great, lots of fun, good to hang out with. I'm assuming he finds me fairly attractive as well. I think he could tell I was hurt from the conversation but I ended it without drama. Is there any way I can position myself in the best light and try to get him to reconsider? Is there anything at all I can do to trigger some sort of attraction or realization in him that he should at least try it out? Would it be terribly wrong to be upfront and ask him to give it a chance?
VictorM's advice:
It would be a waste of your time to ask him to give it a chance. Not only that, but it's most likely that he's cut out contact with you.
See, guys think about this very differently than girls. Girls are very open to the possibility that a guy can grow on you, or that you can mold him to your liking. Guys are much more practical -- if they don't feel it, it's over. Period. Next!
We don't make lists, we don't check them twice with all our friends. We're either feel it or we don't. And if we feel it and them lose it, we move on.
"Giving it a chance," "trying again," etc. we see all that as a big waste of time. There are too many women out there to explore to get stuck with one that doesn't excite our loins.
Now, that's not to say things can't change. It is entirely possible that he could fall in love with you, but if that's going to happen you have to: ease off and stop talking about it with him, be friendly when you see him, and try to make him feel good about himself when he's with you. This means subtle compliments and talking about topics he's very knowledge of. By themselves these actions aren't going to make him fall for you, but he'll enjoy your company, without pressure, and this gives him the time to get to know you better. And who knows... anything is possible.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I'd really rather him just jump me once and awhile
Submitted on Sunday, November 16, 2008
By jade, 29, from pennsylvania:
I'll do my best to be brief... I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months. we were fixed up and met at a restaurant. we both felt something the first time our eyes met. he kissed me after ten minutes (we had been talking on the phone for 2 weeks.) the next couple days he went out of his way to come and see me, we held hands, after the first time we slept together he told me he thought he could fall in love with me, he met my parents, we went on little day trips, he came down the shore with my family for the weekend, he took me to meet his parents in NY, met his friends...ect.ect. is that brief enough? lol...there is more but i think you got it.
that would bring us to now five months later...
we still talk and text all the time but don't see each other as much which is fine...we both work and live a bit of distance from each other. i sometimes feel like i'm being overly paranoid but i just wish i could get a "title" from him. we are very affectionate with each other but we have not slept together in over three months (and the few times we had were awesome). he knows i want to but never seems to initiate it. there have been times when i could have possibly not read his "signs" of lets get it on, but I'd really rather him just jump me once and awhile. i've never had this problem before so maybe its a positive that he wants me for more than just sex. he claims to be extremely attracted to me, so what the f*** is up? there is a lot i'm leaving out because i know you don't feel like reading a book, so i guess my question is...do i continue dating again and "accidentally" tell him? that was kind of my latest immature idea...i've just been trying so hard to be "cool" and not "girly" about the situation because i don't want to ruin something that still may have potential, however, i don't know what else to do. i don't want to jeopardize possibly meeting someone else or risk investing any more feelings if this is really not going any where...what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT pull the "accidental" stunt. Stuff like that doesn't help.
You're both in the prime of your lives and you haven't had sex in 3 months, and he doesn't jump you? And you're trying to spin all this into something positive such as he respects you when he had no problems having sex with you after only a few days?
Come on, something isn't right. Which is why you have no title, and why you're thinking up immature actions. After 5 months you should know exactly where you two stand.
I think the reason you haven't asked him is because you're afraid of the truth. There are enough signs that you wouldn't hear the answer you want. Your fear of ruining everything is really just another way of saying you can't handle the truth.
I'm not saying he's not into you, but you have to drop this fear and the temptation to play games and lay it out on the line: you want to know where you stand as a couple, you want to be fucked like the sexually healthy woman that you are, and you want the damn truth about his feelings.
If this relationship is going to do down the tubes, you should know it now, and if it's not going to end, it better be most of what you expect it to be. And the sooner you find out which is which the better.
Now... go them him, tiger!
By jade, 29, from pennsylvania:
I'll do my best to be brief... I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months. we were fixed up and met at a restaurant. we both felt something the first time our eyes met. he kissed me after ten minutes (we had been talking on the phone for 2 weeks.) the next couple days he went out of his way to come and see me, we held hands, after the first time we slept together he told me he thought he could fall in love with me, he met my parents, we went on little day trips, he came down the shore with my family for the weekend, he took me to meet his parents in NY, met his friends...ect.ect. is that brief enough? lol...there is more but i think you got it.
that would bring us to now five months later...
we still talk and text all the time but don't see each other as much which is fine...we both work and live a bit of distance from each other. i sometimes feel like i'm being overly paranoid but i just wish i could get a "title" from him. we are very affectionate with each other but we have not slept together in over three months (and the few times we had were awesome). he knows i want to but never seems to initiate it. there have been times when i could have possibly not read his "signs" of lets get it on, but I'd really rather him just jump me once and awhile. i've never had this problem before so maybe its a positive that he wants me for more than just sex. he claims to be extremely attracted to me, so what the f*** is up? there is a lot i'm leaving out because i know you don't feel like reading a book, so i guess my question is...do i continue dating again and "accidentally" tell him? that was kind of my latest immature idea...i've just been trying so hard to be "cool" and not "girly" about the situation because i don't want to ruin something that still may have potential, however, i don't know what else to do. i don't want to jeopardize possibly meeting someone else or risk investing any more feelings if this is really not going any where...what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT pull the "accidental" stunt. Stuff like that doesn't help.
You're both in the prime of your lives and you haven't had sex in 3 months, and he doesn't jump you? And you're trying to spin all this into something positive such as he respects you when he had no problems having sex with you after only a few days?
Come on, something isn't right. Which is why you have no title, and why you're thinking up immature actions. After 5 months you should know exactly where you two stand.
I think the reason you haven't asked him is because you're afraid of the truth. There are enough signs that you wouldn't hear the answer you want. Your fear of ruining everything is really just another way of saying you can't handle the truth.
I'm not saying he's not into you, but you have to drop this fear and the temptation to play games and lay it out on the line: you want to know where you stand as a couple, you want to be fucked like the sexually healthy woman that you are, and you want the damn truth about his feelings.
If this relationship is going to do down the tubes, you should know it now, and if it's not going to end, it better be most of what you expect it to be. And the sooner you find out which is which the better.
Now... go them him, tiger!
We spoke about so many things
Submitted on Sunday, November 16, 2008
By Precios, 16, from Macedonia:
Mmm,I liked one boy, I like him now too. All summer we were together and laugh and hang out, and all of that stuff. We spoke about so many things, so one night he says that he doesn't know what he likes, that he isn't about a relationship (he was so hurt before by his ex), and that I'm not the type of girls who can be an easy girl, and that like I'm smart, pretty, wonderful girl, that he believes in me, and that he knows that if he was my boyfriend he could trust me (he didn't trust his ex girlfriends). But NOW 2 months we're spoken just a few words like "hey, how are u," "wass up," etc. I see him now, with a few girls who are so EASY GIRLS. Just for one night.
So what is he thinking? Can you help me?? Is it better for me to let him go? PLEASE HELP ME! (sorry bout my english) BTW. He is 20, and I am 16.
VictorM's advice:
He's not looking for a nice girl right now. He needs to play the field and get the bad taste of his ex girlfriends' out of his system. Of course going out with easy girls isn't going to help, but he thinks it will. A guy in his situation is looking to prove that girls can't be trusted, so he's going out with girls he can't trust. Why does he do it? Because there's less pain involved if you're already expecting to be hurt. But a girl like you is a big risk. If he develops a relationship with you, trusts you, and he's wrong, it would crush him. So... he's not helping himself grow emotionally by seeing those girls but at least he's not getting hurt more than he can handle. And for now, that's good enough for him.
You don't have to give up on him, just understand that he's on a path where keeping you at a distance is safer, for both of you. Continue to greet him and talk to him nicely when you get a chance. But don't close any doors with other boys. You need to be going out with other boys and finding out what they have to offer.
By the way... your English is fine and it's exciting for me to get a question from Macedonia. I love the Internet. :)
By Precios, 16, from Macedonia:
Mmm,I liked one boy, I like him now too. All summer we were together and laugh and hang out, and all of that stuff. We spoke about so many things, so one night he says that he doesn't know what he likes, that he isn't about a relationship (he was so hurt before by his ex), and that I'm not the type of girls who can be an easy girl, and that like I'm smart, pretty, wonderful girl, that he believes in me, and that he knows that if he was my boyfriend he could trust me (he didn't trust his ex girlfriends). But NOW 2 months we're spoken just a few words like "hey, how are u," "wass up," etc. I see him now, with a few girls who are so EASY GIRLS. Just for one night.
So what is he thinking? Can you help me?? Is it better for me to let him go? PLEASE HELP ME! (sorry bout my english) BTW. He is 20, and I am 16.
VictorM's advice:
He's not looking for a nice girl right now. He needs to play the field and get the bad taste of his ex girlfriends' out of his system. Of course going out with easy girls isn't going to help, but he thinks it will. A guy in his situation is looking to prove that girls can't be trusted, so he's going out with girls he can't trust. Why does he do it? Because there's less pain involved if you're already expecting to be hurt. But a girl like you is a big risk. If he develops a relationship with you, trusts you, and he's wrong, it would crush him. So... he's not helping himself grow emotionally by seeing those girls but at least he's not getting hurt more than he can handle. And for now, that's good enough for him.
You don't have to give up on him, just understand that he's on a path where keeping you at a distance is safer, for both of you. Continue to greet him and talk to him nicely when you get a chance. But don't close any doors with other boys. You need to be going out with other boys and finding out what they have to offer.
By the way... your English is fine and it's exciting for me to get a question from Macedonia. I love the Internet. :)
He walked up grinning and talking and teasing
Submitted on Sunday, November 16, 2008
By Wendy, 39, from Virginia:
Hello Victor , I wrote to you in May and you said what i needed to hear . Thanks for that. I still need your perspective on this guy.
I have since seen him at the fair and he walked up grinning and talking and teasing my 5-year old. He sat down and tried to get fries from my 5-year old and talked for about 5 minutes. His grown daughter and his second new wife looked quite put out about it.
I've had a stalker (not a joke !!!) and the manager at the store where i see this guy told him about it. He came back to the store and observed this freak and told the manager he would go talk to the deputies and see what they say. He ran straight to the sheriff's office and told manager to call me and told me what to do. The next day i followed his instructions and got the guy arrested on stalking charges.
I have seen him 4 times and he engages in conversation. I have been just walking by and if spoken to then i speak back. Short and sweet.
Still back to this again.... if he's doesn't care then why be a friend and go out of his way to run this stalker's record and then be so nice. It just confuses me and I'm doing the woman thing .....over thinking this. Oh, he has scared me with a dead rattlesnake. I screamed like a girl and he got quite the kick out of that. Just shoot me in the head and get it over with.
VictorM's advice:
The guy has no romantic interest in you. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, your well-being and your safety. I wouldn't dismiss that, in part, some of his actions have to do with guilt feelings and trying to amend for those. Also, many men feel powerful and strong if they have people to protect.
So, really, he's doing a lot of these things for himself, to make himself feel better and stronger, not because of feelings towards you.
Heck, if he's good at plumbing, electricity, mechanics... anything you need, put him to good use. :)
By Wendy, 39, from Virginia:
Hello Victor , I wrote to you in May and you said what i needed to hear . Thanks for that. I still need your perspective on this guy.
I have since seen him at the fair and he walked up grinning and talking and teasing my 5-year old. He sat down and tried to get fries from my 5-year old and talked for about 5 minutes. His grown daughter and his second new wife looked quite put out about it.
I've had a stalker (not a joke !!!) and the manager at the store where i see this guy told him about it. He came back to the store and observed this freak and told the manager he would go talk to the deputies and see what they say. He ran straight to the sheriff's office and told manager to call me and told me what to do. The next day i followed his instructions and got the guy arrested on stalking charges.
I have seen him 4 times and he engages in conversation. I have been just walking by and if spoken to then i speak back. Short and sweet.
Still back to this again.... if he's doesn't care then why be a friend and go out of his way to run this stalker's record and then be so nice. It just confuses me and I'm doing the woman thing .....over thinking this. Oh, he has scared me with a dead rattlesnake. I screamed like a girl and he got quite the kick out of that. Just shoot me in the head and get it over with.
VictorM's advice:
The guy has no romantic interest in you. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, your well-being and your safety. I wouldn't dismiss that, in part, some of his actions have to do with guilt feelings and trying to amend for those. Also, many men feel powerful and strong if they have people to protect.
So, really, he's doing a lot of these things for himself, to make himself feel better and stronger, not because of feelings towards you.
Heck, if he's good at plumbing, electricity, mechanics... anything you need, put him to good use. :)
So there's this guy I work with who I really like
Submitted on Sunday, November 16, 2008
By Alice, 22, from Australia:
So there's this guy I work with who I really like (I bet you wish you had a dollar for every girl who's started with that line!) We just have so much in common, same favourite musician, we have really similar taste in books, music, TV shows, movies, video games, hell! we even share an interest in hilariously bad porn and have half hearted collections of the same sort of kitsch stuff. So there's a real connection there, plus he's really funny and charismatic, and I love his voice.
So anyway, I have a thing for him, and I think maybe he feels something for me. I catch him staring at me, he always smiles or winks when he passes me, notices when I do something to my hair (and he's a manly guy who doesn't even notice when his clothes have huge holes in them), does anything he can to help me, he tells me how smart I am and how good I am at cooking and art and stuff, always uses my name, and heaps of other little things like that. But mainly he just stares deep in to my eyes giving me a huge smile like I'm saying the most interesting thing he's ever heard when I'm talking to him, and there's a group of us that have lunch together and I think often he looks at me the most. Even when I was in a roundabout way talking about how much I hate a particular hair style that just happens to be the hairstyle his girlfriend has, he was still doing it (not that I did a bit of facebook stalking or anything, I really do hate that hairstyle though).
Yeah, there's the problem, he has a girlfriend! I know you say guys often flirt with co-workers to give them something to do, but this guy is not a player and is a really nice guy. I know people say that's such a boring thing to call someone, but I think it's underrated, he's a genuinely nice, good hearted person who does seem to respect women. He's not outright flirting with me anyway, but I don't think he acts like this around the other girls.
My self confidence isn't great, but I've learned to fake it over the years. I don't really think I'm pretty, but people say I'm gorgeous and I have 2 other guys after me, I get beeped and waved at by passing cars a lot, hobos tell me I'm cute, so I figure I can't be that bad, and my figure is proportionally the same as Marilyn Monroe's (going by actual measurements, not people who claim she was a modern size 14) so I figure I must have something going for me. Plus, I can cook well, like exciting underwear, porn, beer, and guitar hero. Isn't that what all men are supposedly after? :D Oh, and my bra size is 34E, which is a definite plus in this guy's case because he looooves big boobs but his girlfriend is totally flat.
I know I sound really conceited and bitchy here, but I guess I'm just trying to talk it through and maybe convince myself I have a chance. Because my confidence is all a charade I'm not too great about showing other people I'm interested in them, and it's hard to keep a balance between seeming too eager or too just friends, and I don't want to make things awkward as we work together.
So, currently he has a few weeks off, and I'd borrowed some stuff off him that wasn't actually his and didn't have time to give it back so we swapped numbers so we could meet up sometime when I was going into the city. I messaged him a few days ago and he still hasn't replied. I was kind off upset at first, but I don't think he'd just ignore me to avoid me, because a) we are friends, b) he's a nice guy, c) he has been really busy, & d) I have his stuff!
I'm not the sort of person to send texts asking if someone got my text, so should I just call him and see if he wants to catch up for lunch? I'm certainly not trying to "steal" him and I wouldn't respect myself or him if he cheated on his GF.
Any ideas on how to show my interest in a way that won't make me look like a desperate home breaker (not that they live together), and present myself as a viable alternative should he and his GF break up in the near future? Or just some general perspective, I think my teen years of reading Cosmo have brainwashed me to over think things like this.
VictorM's advice:
haha yeah, you are over thinking. Look, his girlfriend is not your responsibility -- he's the one that has to worry about her. So contact him, try to get together, and show him you are interested. If anything you do/say goes over the line, it's up to him to say it. Of course you'll want to stop well short of the cheating line, but he should be the one to not even go there, if he's as nice a guy as you say (by the way, 1-that's not much of a compliment to guys; and 2- he probably isn't as nice as you think he is).
But having said all this, don't dismiss that he might genuinely like you as a person and have no romantic interest in you. That wont stop him from looking at you with lust -- he probably does -- but that's not enough to wanting a relationship with you.
I'm glad you know the difference in sizes from Marilyn Monroe's days to now. Far too many large women think they're MM's size when clearly they're not. And I didn't even think there was a size "E". 34 and E? Damn! Damn! :)
By Alice, 22, from Australia:
So there's this guy I work with who I really like (I bet you wish you had a dollar for every girl who's started with that line!) We just have so much in common, same favourite musician, we have really similar taste in books, music, TV shows, movies, video games, hell! we even share an interest in hilariously bad porn and have half hearted collections of the same sort of kitsch stuff. So there's a real connection there, plus he's really funny and charismatic, and I love his voice.
So anyway, I have a thing for him, and I think maybe he feels something for me. I catch him staring at me, he always smiles or winks when he passes me, notices when I do something to my hair (and he's a manly guy who doesn't even notice when his clothes have huge holes in them), does anything he can to help me, he tells me how smart I am and how good I am at cooking and art and stuff, always uses my name, and heaps of other little things like that. But mainly he just stares deep in to my eyes giving me a huge smile like I'm saying the most interesting thing he's ever heard when I'm talking to him, and there's a group of us that have lunch together and I think often he looks at me the most. Even when I was in a roundabout way talking about how much I hate a particular hair style that just happens to be the hairstyle his girlfriend has, he was still doing it (not that I did a bit of facebook stalking or anything, I really do hate that hairstyle though).
Yeah, there's the problem, he has a girlfriend! I know you say guys often flirt with co-workers to give them something to do, but this guy is not a player and is a really nice guy. I know people say that's such a boring thing to call someone, but I think it's underrated, he's a genuinely nice, good hearted person who does seem to respect women. He's not outright flirting with me anyway, but I don't think he acts like this around the other girls.
My self confidence isn't great, but I've learned to fake it over the years. I don't really think I'm pretty, but people say I'm gorgeous and I have 2 other guys after me, I get beeped and waved at by passing cars a lot, hobos tell me I'm cute, so I figure I can't be that bad, and my figure is proportionally the same as Marilyn Monroe's (going by actual measurements, not people who claim she was a modern size 14) so I figure I must have something going for me. Plus, I can cook well, like exciting underwear, porn, beer, and guitar hero. Isn't that what all men are supposedly after? :D Oh, and my bra size is 34E, which is a definite plus in this guy's case because he looooves big boobs but his girlfriend is totally flat.
I know I sound really conceited and bitchy here, but I guess I'm just trying to talk it through and maybe convince myself I have a chance. Because my confidence is all a charade I'm not too great about showing other people I'm interested in them, and it's hard to keep a balance between seeming too eager or too just friends, and I don't want to make things awkward as we work together.
So, currently he has a few weeks off, and I'd borrowed some stuff off him that wasn't actually his and didn't have time to give it back so we swapped numbers so we could meet up sometime when I was going into the city. I messaged him a few days ago and he still hasn't replied. I was kind off upset at first, but I don't think he'd just ignore me to avoid me, because a) we are friends, b) he's a nice guy, c) he has been really busy, & d) I have his stuff!
I'm not the sort of person to send texts asking if someone got my text, so should I just call him and see if he wants to catch up for lunch? I'm certainly not trying to "steal" him and I wouldn't respect myself or him if he cheated on his GF.
Any ideas on how to show my interest in a way that won't make me look like a desperate home breaker (not that they live together), and present myself as a viable alternative should he and his GF break up in the near future? Or just some general perspective, I think my teen years of reading Cosmo have brainwashed me to over think things like this.
VictorM's advice:
haha yeah, you are over thinking. Look, his girlfriend is not your responsibility -- he's the one that has to worry about her. So contact him, try to get together, and show him you are interested. If anything you do/say goes over the line, it's up to him to say it. Of course you'll want to stop well short of the cheating line, but he should be the one to not even go there, if he's as nice a guy as you say (by the way, 1-that's not much of a compliment to guys; and 2- he probably isn't as nice as you think he is).
But having said all this, don't dismiss that he might genuinely like you as a person and have no romantic interest in you. That wont stop him from looking at you with lust -- he probably does -- but that's not enough to wanting a relationship with you.
I'm glad you know the difference in sizes from Marilyn Monroe's days to now. Far too many large women think they're MM's size when clearly they're not. And I didn't even think there was a size "E". 34 and E? Damn! Damn! :)
He seemed like my soul mate
Submitted on Saturday, November 15, 2008
By BARBARA, 32, from ARKANSAS:
My boyfriend of 2 years, has seemed like my soulmate since we met. He always said the same. He had been going through a divorce for over a year, that was finalized about 8 months after we were dating. He was the nicest guy I had ever met for the first year. Then all of the sudden, he always wanted to be alone. And he didn't act nice anymore. I have found some texts on his phone and notes from married women, that he correspond with. I confronted him, and he said it was nothing. We tried moving on. Just recently there was an email on his computer from another woman, it didn't seem innocent, although he said it was. We discussed this, and I said that I am absolutely in love with him and I do not want to live separate lives anymore. He wanted to get engaged about a year ago, I said let's wait until your divorce papers have been signed. Now he is not sure that we should get married, or just be friends, because I "cannot trust him" (those are his words). What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
First, understand this: what he felt about you a year ago is irrelevant to how he feels about you today -- things change and not always for the best. Second, this situation isn't just a phase; you have signs for a long time that he no longer matches the figment of your imagination. Third, the soulmate is no more; he's ready to move on, it's just a matter of courage/opportunity when it happens.
The more you profess your love for him and the tighter you try to hold on to him, the more suffocated he becomes. You aren't going to fix him back to 2 years ago and you're not going to make him fall in love with you again. The best you can do is back off, find happiness and fun in your own life, occupy your time with pleasant things and good friends, and let go of a man who no longer wants to be with you.
By now, you're not losing the nicest soulmate you ever met -- you lost him many months ago -- you're losing a cheating, lying, cowardly, disrespectful man. Why tie your happiness to this guy?
By BARBARA, 32, from ARKANSAS:
My boyfriend of 2 years, has seemed like my soulmate since we met. He always said the same. He had been going through a divorce for over a year, that was finalized about 8 months after we were dating. He was the nicest guy I had ever met for the first year. Then all of the sudden, he always wanted to be alone. And he didn't act nice anymore. I have found some texts on his phone and notes from married women, that he correspond with. I confronted him, and he said it was nothing. We tried moving on. Just recently there was an email on his computer from another woman, it didn't seem innocent, although he said it was. We discussed this, and I said that I am absolutely in love with him and I do not want to live separate lives anymore. He wanted to get engaged about a year ago, I said let's wait until your divorce papers have been signed. Now he is not sure that we should get married, or just be friends, because I "cannot trust him" (those are his words). What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
First, understand this: what he felt about you a year ago is irrelevant to how he feels about you today -- things change and not always for the best. Second, this situation isn't just a phase; you have signs for a long time that he no longer matches the figment of your imagination. Third, the soulmate is no more; he's ready to move on, it's just a matter of courage/opportunity when it happens.
The more you profess your love for him and the tighter you try to hold on to him, the more suffocated he becomes. You aren't going to fix him back to 2 years ago and you're not going to make him fall in love with you again. The best you can do is back off, find happiness and fun in your own life, occupy your time with pleasant things and good friends, and let go of a man who no longer wants to be with you.
By now, you're not losing the nicest soulmate you ever met -- you lost him many months ago -- you're losing a cheating, lying, cowardly, disrespectful man. Why tie your happiness to this guy?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Why a guy wants a girl to always call him first
Submitted on Friday, November 14, 2008
By Julia, 29, from New York:
Why a guy wants a girl to always call him first before he talks to her? We have been friends for over a year.
VictorM's advice:
Guys are simply less needy than girls about frequent non-physical contact.
By Julia, 29, from New York:
Why a guy wants a girl to always call him first before he talks to her? We have been friends for over a year.
VictorM's advice:
Guys are simply less needy than girls about frequent non-physical contact.
He disappeared
Submitted on Friday, November 14, 2008
By Kati, 32, from uk:
I met a guy online and we've been talking for five months now. He said he would come to see me (as we are far from each other) if I am serious about him. He seemed very reasonable and smart-always wanted to talk things through. Three weeks ago we talked last time and everything was ok. He invited me there for Christmas. Since then he disappeared. I sent him cards and I get a receipt that he opened them, but he didn't reply. What should I do? It's been three weeks.
VictorM's advice:
Basically, he lost interest in you.
In person, lots of guys disappear when they lose interest; being online makes that disappearance act even easier. There's nothing you can do about this. The guy is a coward. Pure and simple.
Don't waste your time wondering why this happened. It's not something you said or did. Online relationships are very tough, more so if that's all there ever was. Guys are very physical beings and without physical contact they're very quick to lose interest.
The odds of an online-only long distance relationship succeeding are very slim. Look closer to home next time.
By Kati, 32, from uk:
I met a guy online and we've been talking for five months now. He said he would come to see me (as we are far from each other) if I am serious about him. He seemed very reasonable and smart-always wanted to talk things through. Three weeks ago we talked last time and everything was ok. He invited me there for Christmas. Since then he disappeared. I sent him cards and I get a receipt that he opened them, but he didn't reply. What should I do? It's been three weeks.
VictorM's advice:
Basically, he lost interest in you.
In person, lots of guys disappear when they lose interest; being online makes that disappearance act even easier. There's nothing you can do about this. The guy is a coward. Pure and simple.
Don't waste your time wondering why this happened. It's not something you said or did. Online relationships are very tough, more so if that's all there ever was. Guys are very physical beings and without physical contact they're very quick to lose interest.
The odds of an online-only long distance relationship succeeding are very slim. Look closer to home next time.
I always keep my distance
Submitted on Thursday, November 13, 2008
By Estelle, 32, from Idaho:
I met this guy almost 3 years ago and we clicked right away. I was offended by his approach and turned him down. A few months later he started dating someone and is with her to this day. We've never dated but we have a lot of friends in common. He makes it quite obvious to everyone that he thinks I'm the hottest thing on the planet and he gives me the impression that if I want him I could have him. I really like him but I always keep my distance out of respect for his relationship, which he doesn't seem to care much about. He says his relationship isn't going very well and talks about when we get together how great it will be and goes as far as telling our mutual friends that. We've grown closer over the past 7 months and I'm so confused. I don't understand why he won't just leave his current relationship if he's so unhappy and if he wants me so much. He gets so jealous whenever I go on a date. I know that deep down I've been waiting for him to end his relationship but I'm running out of patience. On one hand, I really want to be with him, on the other hand... not if he's fresh out of a relationship, good or bad. Should I keep waiting or move on?
VictorM's advice:
Him getting jealous of you dating is not a reflection of his feelings for you; it's a reflection of his possessive and competitive personality. He's just exercising his male territorial instincts.
You want to be with him, but he doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he would be with you already.
Don't you find it odd that you have more respect for his girlfriend than he does? Don't ignore these obvious signs.
His attraction for you is physical. Purely physical. If he could have you during his horny spurts and not have any further responsibility, he'd go for that. But he doesn't think of you highly enough to upset his current arrangements. And that's not likely to change.
You're exercising poor judgment, not confusion, when you consider waiting for this guy.
By Estelle, 32, from Idaho:
I met this guy almost 3 years ago and we clicked right away. I was offended by his approach and turned him down. A few months later he started dating someone and is with her to this day. We've never dated but we have a lot of friends in common. He makes it quite obvious to everyone that he thinks I'm the hottest thing on the planet and he gives me the impression that if I want him I could have him. I really like him but I always keep my distance out of respect for his relationship, which he doesn't seem to care much about. He says his relationship isn't going very well and talks about when we get together how great it will be and goes as far as telling our mutual friends that. We've grown closer over the past 7 months and I'm so confused. I don't understand why he won't just leave his current relationship if he's so unhappy and if he wants me so much. He gets so jealous whenever I go on a date. I know that deep down I've been waiting for him to end his relationship but I'm running out of patience. On one hand, I really want to be with him, on the other hand... not if he's fresh out of a relationship, good or bad. Should I keep waiting or move on?
VictorM's advice:
Him getting jealous of you dating is not a reflection of his feelings for you; it's a reflection of his possessive and competitive personality. He's just exercising his male territorial instincts.
You want to be with him, but he doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he would be with you already.
Don't you find it odd that you have more respect for his girlfriend than he does? Don't ignore these obvious signs.
His attraction for you is physical. Purely physical. If he could have you during his horny spurts and not have any further responsibility, he'd go for that. But he doesn't think of you highly enough to upset his current arrangements. And that's not likely to change.
You're exercising poor judgment, not confusion, when you consider waiting for this guy.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I really don't like dogs
Submitted on Thursday, November 13, 2008
By Sasha, 24, from Canada:
I really don't like dogs.
By Sasha, 24, from Canada:
I really don't like dogs.
I met my boyfriend about a year ago - and knew he had a dog, but to be honest, I didn't really think things would wind up getting this serious. He knew from the start that I don't like dogs, and I have really and truly done everything I possibly could to try and get along with his dog, but to be honest, it really grosses me out.
A few weeks ago we moved in together, and our love for one another keeps getting stronger, and more intense, but I continue to like this dog less and less.
He has a year-old Jack Russell / Pug mix (he got it just before our relationship began). This dog is so hyper - always jumping around and begging for attention - and I understand - that's what dogs do, but I find it irritating when I come home from work, and just want to relax. When we're spending time together, he'll curl up on the couch with his arms sprawled around the dog - not me. So I'll go over to sit with him and the dog, and he'll complain that he's too hot, or needs his space - so I'll move. The dog licks me, and the smell is just awful. Furthermore, it licks my boyfriend's face - and he'll actually kiss the dog right on the lips - sometimes while all this licking is going on. To be honest, it just makes me sick - and he won't stop doing it. He looks the dog in the eyes, and tells it it's beautiful, and he loves it - and to be honest, I just don't think it's appropriate - it seems kinda weird really.
I know it's his dog, and he loves it - and I know it's not fair to ask him to get rid of the dog, but I don't know what to do. I am so in love with him, and would do just about anything for him - but I really can't see myself living with this dog for 15-20 more years.
Please don't think I'm being a bitch - I am so good to this man, and have never given him an ultimatum - I've tried so hard to make this dog thing work, but I guess not everyone can be a dog person.
I feel like he's the one I could have a future with, and I know he feels the same way about me. I hate to hurt him, but I just don't know what to do - can you please give me some heart-felt advice?
Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
I like dogs but your description of your boyfriend's treatment of the dog bothers me too. He kisses the dog in the lips? Yuck! I don't think you're a bitch; your beef sounds legitimate.
The dog is not the problem. You and your boyfriend are the ones that need behavior modification if the dog is going to be tolerable to you.
If you get the National Geographic channel, start watching Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer. It would be great if your boyfriend watched it as well. If you don't get the channel, get his book.
Dogs need discipline and they need to be treated like dogs, not like humans. There is no need to kiss a dog on the lips and invite licking his face for your boyfriend to show affection for the animal. You and your boyfriend need to be pack leaders, not the dog's buddies. Cesar Millan will teach you how to do it, but most importantly, why it's best for the dog and everyone concerned.
From what you say, if the dog's place in the house becomes properly define, you'd probably at least tolerate him being around.
Work on this. Unless you succeed at balancing your different views on dogs, this could turn into a big problem. But it doesn't have to. There is plenty of middle ground for both of you.
A few weeks ago we moved in together, and our love for one another keeps getting stronger, and more intense, but I continue to like this dog less and less.
He has a year-old Jack Russell / Pug mix (he got it just before our relationship began). This dog is so hyper - always jumping around and begging for attention - and I understand - that's what dogs do, but I find it irritating when I come home from work, and just want to relax. When we're spending time together, he'll curl up on the couch with his arms sprawled around the dog - not me. So I'll go over to sit with him and the dog, and he'll complain that he's too hot, or needs his space - so I'll move. The dog licks me, and the smell is just awful. Furthermore, it licks my boyfriend's face - and he'll actually kiss the dog right on the lips - sometimes while all this licking is going on. To be honest, it just makes me sick - and he won't stop doing it. He looks the dog in the eyes, and tells it it's beautiful, and he loves it - and to be honest, I just don't think it's appropriate - it seems kinda weird really.
I know it's his dog, and he loves it - and I know it's not fair to ask him to get rid of the dog, but I don't know what to do. I am so in love with him, and would do just about anything for him - but I really can't see myself living with this dog for 15-20 more years.
Please don't think I'm being a bitch - I am so good to this man, and have never given him an ultimatum - I've tried so hard to make this dog thing work, but I guess not everyone can be a dog person.
I feel like he's the one I could have a future with, and I know he feels the same way about me. I hate to hurt him, but I just don't know what to do - can you please give me some heart-felt advice?
Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
I like dogs but your description of your boyfriend's treatment of the dog bothers me too. He kisses the dog in the lips? Yuck! I don't think you're a bitch; your beef sounds legitimate.
The dog is not the problem. You and your boyfriend are the ones that need behavior modification if the dog is going to be tolerable to you.
If you get the National Geographic channel, start watching Cesar Millan's Dog Whisperer. It would be great if your boyfriend watched it as well. If you don't get the channel, get his book.
Dogs need discipline and they need to be treated like dogs, not like humans. There is no need to kiss a dog on the lips and invite licking his face for your boyfriend to show affection for the animal. You and your boyfriend need to be pack leaders, not the dog's buddies. Cesar Millan will teach you how to do it, but most importantly, why it's best for the dog and everyone concerned.
From what you say, if the dog's place in the house becomes properly define, you'd probably at least tolerate him being around.
Work on this. Unless you succeed at balancing your different views on dogs, this could turn into a big problem. But it doesn't have to. There is plenty of middle ground for both of you.
ALL men sleep around because they NEED it
Submitted on Thursday, November 13, 2008
By emma, 30, from united kingdom:
Hi, please enlighten me. A friend (female) has been telling me that ALL men sleep around because they NEED it; especially if they don't have a girlfriend which means solely because they want to go around. Those who don't are non functional. I refuse to believe this is true as i think there must be men who wouldn't do that because of their belief etc. She thinks I am too naive and says i come from another planet. Am I really too naive?
VictorM's answer:
There's no doubt that most men do not have to be in love to have sex, and that quantity and variety are big attributes of our sexual desire. So I think your friend's view has some resemblance of accuracy, but I strongly disagree with two words she uses: "all" and "need."
Men do not need to play the field, and many simply don't do it.
I think that part of the problem that many girls have with finding a good man who can keep his dick in is pants is more a reflection of the type of guys they attract and their reluctance to dump the wrong guys. They spend too much energy trying to fix the guys they hook up with when they would be better off spending their energy trying to find the right guys for them.
True, finding mister right is not an easy task, but it's the ones that give up, or give in to the wrong kind too easily that wind up with a view like your friend's.
By emma, 30, from united kingdom:
Hi, please enlighten me. A friend (female) has been telling me that ALL men sleep around because they NEED it; especially if they don't have a girlfriend which means solely because they want to go around. Those who don't are non functional. I refuse to believe this is true as i think there must be men who wouldn't do that because of their belief etc. She thinks I am too naive and says i come from another planet. Am I really too naive?
VictorM's answer:
There's no doubt that most men do not have to be in love to have sex, and that quantity and variety are big attributes of our sexual desire. So I think your friend's view has some resemblance of accuracy, but I strongly disagree with two words she uses: "all" and "need."
Men do not need to play the field, and many simply don't do it.
I think that part of the problem that many girls have with finding a good man who can keep his dick in is pants is more a reflection of the type of guys they attract and their reluctance to dump the wrong guys. They spend too much energy trying to fix the guys they hook up with when they would be better off spending their energy trying to find the right guys for them.
True, finding mister right is not an easy task, but it's the ones that give up, or give in to the wrong kind too easily that wind up with a view like your friend's.
Can a guy like a girl and still think she is a bitch?
Submitted on Wednesday, November 12, 2008
By Jenae, 16, from KS:
Hello Victor!
Thanks for answering my last question and I am happy that your Halloween was good, even though you didn't do anything.
Anyway today I got a question. See Austin (yes the same guy from lots of other questions) called a girl a "bitch". When he said that I was surprised because I thought that he liked her, but then he kept on saying how she puts up an act infront of the teachers. Now my question is this: can a guy like a girl and still think she is a bitch?
I know that a guy can tolerate so much, but to me is was like he was "acting up" too. See when she asks him to put her paper in the basket, he does it. Does that really sound like he hates her?
VictorM's advice:
First, don't assume that just because he called her a bitch that he thinks she's a bitch. Guys usually fight with others and will say hurtful things, not truthful things, when they're angry.
Second, a guy is more likely to show anger (or act like it) if he likes the girl, so I'd say that calling her a bitch doesn't preclude him from liking her.
I think it's safe to say that he doesn't hate her. It's more likely that he likes her.
By Jenae, 16, from KS:
Hello Victor!
Thanks for answering my last question and I am happy that your Halloween was good, even though you didn't do anything.
Anyway today I got a question. See Austin (yes the same guy from lots of other questions) called a girl a "bitch". When he said that I was surprised because I thought that he liked her, but then he kept on saying how she puts up an act infront of the teachers. Now my question is this: can a guy like a girl and still think she is a bitch?
I know that a guy can tolerate so much, but to me is was like he was "acting up" too. See when she asks him to put her paper in the basket, he does it. Does that really sound like he hates her?
VictorM's advice:
First, don't assume that just because he called her a bitch that he thinks she's a bitch. Guys usually fight with others and will say hurtful things, not truthful things, when they're angry.
Second, a guy is more likely to show anger (or act like it) if he likes the girl, so I'd say that calling her a bitch doesn't preclude him from liking her.
I think it's safe to say that he doesn't hate her. It's more likely that he likes her.
He has cooled off somewhat
Submitted on Wednesday, November 12, 2008
By sara, from uk:
ok...so a different guy this time! we've been chatting for the last few months....hooked up a few times...2 weeks ago he tells me he really likes me...would like something more...bought me a present...cut a night out with his friends to spend the night with me...called and texted non stop for 2 weeks...asked me to run him to work and collect him...told all his friends about me...etc etc. since friday when we spent all night together talking about 'us' and how much he's into me and all of that jazz he's not initiated any contact with me. i text him and he replies straight away and everything is fine so it seems, however he has cooled off somewhat in that he's not texting me every hour like he used to.
this weekend he did get wasted with his mates and text to say he was a dick and he should stop getting so wasted. he also had his friends funeral to go to on monday and he is stressed with work too.
should i be worried? or am i just over reacting like a typical woman? he hasn't actually asked me out on an 'official' date either yet and its been 2 weeks since he 'confessed' how much he likes me.
thank you! xx
VictorM's advice:
Guys will slow down from the initial flurry of attention. It's just that simple. Whether his cooling off is just as a result of that, or is something else, I don't know. It's just too early to tell. But now that he's slowed down, see if it stays consistent. If so, chances are all is fine.
And remember... guys are seldom in a hurry to become official. They prefer to get to know the girl better without the stigma of being attached.
By sara, from uk:
ok...so a different guy this time! we've been chatting for the last few months....hooked up a few times...2 weeks ago he tells me he really likes me...would like something more...bought me a present...cut a night out with his friends to spend the night with me...called and texted non stop for 2 weeks...asked me to run him to work and collect him...told all his friends about me...etc etc. since friday when we spent all night together talking about 'us' and how much he's into me and all of that jazz he's not initiated any contact with me. i text him and he replies straight away and everything is fine so it seems, however he has cooled off somewhat in that he's not texting me every hour like he used to.
this weekend he did get wasted with his mates and text to say he was a dick and he should stop getting so wasted. he also had his friends funeral to go to on monday and he is stressed with work too.
should i be worried? or am i just over reacting like a typical woman? he hasn't actually asked me out on an 'official' date either yet and its been 2 weeks since he 'confessed' how much he likes me.
thank you! xx
VictorM's advice:
Guys will slow down from the initial flurry of attention. It's just that simple. Whether his cooling off is just as a result of that, or is something else, I don't know. It's just too early to tell. But now that he's slowed down, see if it stays consistent. If so, chances are all is fine.
And remember... guys are seldom in a hurry to become official. They prefer to get to know the girl better without the stigma of being attached.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I think I am in love with two men
Submitted on Wednesday, November 12, 2008
By TK, 25, from WB, PA:
To start from the beginning I was/still am with my boyfriend going on 6 years. For the past 2 years our relationship has been very rocky. My boyfriend would sleep on the couch as I would go up stairs and go to bed. I then started to work all the time and not want to be home at all because of how we would fight all the time and not get along. I have not always been the most faithful girlfriend in the world and also thought that I could get away with almost anything. I have cheated on my boyfriend on numerous occasions and never got caught, it was like I loved the risk of it all. About 3 months ago I was let go from my job and was left with nothing. I applied at a place working with children and got a phone call a month later saying i got the job. I started in July, from the first day I started this one gentleman caught my eye. I couldn't help but want him and everything about him. I found out he was and has been married for the last 11 years and also has 2 children.
So as time went on the attraction just seemed to get stronger. One day while working together making the kids something to eat, he had jokingly pushed me into the closet where food was stored and said to one of the other staff we will just be a minute. That is when it all started. I think it was 2 days later after work he asked me to hang out with him. Now, he knew I was in a very long relationship and I knew that he was married, however neither one of us cared. So as the first week went on we hung out almost ever night. One thing that I didnt like with this guy is that he seemed very aggressive, later I found out he was taking steriods and well I should have knew that considering the way he looked. Anyway, one night in the first week we were hanging out he said he didnt want to do anything. I however got upset with that answer and was trying to text the one girl that I worked with there to ask her if I should call him and ask him if he wants to meet up. Well all these nights I had been telling my boyfriend that I was working OT. He worked overnights on Fridays and Sundays so I didnt have anything to worry about. Well this particular Sunday I did. The text message that I was going to send to the girl I worked with went to my boyfriend.
It all gets crazy from here. My boyfriend called me and was like "are you cheating on me?" I then proceeded to hang up the phone and not answer his calls. I then called the married man and he met up with me. Hence that night all of my belongings not including my furniture where in our drive-way. That is what started a new life for me. I had to go and stay with my parents but I wanted to work things out with my boyfriend but he was so mad at me for cheating on him that he wanted to do nothing with me. So I started seeing the married guy on a more serious basis.
Within the last three months things with the married guy have gotten quite serious to the point where he SAYS he is leaving his wife, which he had said from day one and he is doing everything for me. In the beginning we fought alot but the last 3 weeks ever since he caught me at my "boyfriends" house he has been so caring, loving, nice, and will do anything for me. However I have been trying to work things out with my boyfriend. I have been sneaking around the married guy's back. It has gotten to the point where the married guy has caught me at my boyfriend's house and came to the door. We all know the ending to that...it didn't go over well. My question is what do I do? I love my boyfriend more than anything and want to be with him, but when I am with the married guy he makes everything so perfect? Who do I choose and how do I get rid of the married guy if I choose my boyfriend and he won't leave me alone. My boyfriend said that I only have until this Sunday to make my decision whether or not I am coming home. I need help...I think I am in love with two men!!
Sincerly,
Distraught
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you're in love with two men because I don't think you even know what love is. Maybe you're addicted, maybe it's just lust, maybe they're just a habit, maybe you're just a drama queen, but calling it love is an insult.
I can't tell you what to do because this whole situation is just too messed up. I can tell you that I'm rooting for your boyfriend, so I hope you leave him -- that would be the best outcome for him.
As for mister steroids... he deserves whatever fate comes his way.
And you? You need some serious professional therapy.
To start from the beginning I was/still am with my boyfriend going on 6 years. For the past 2 years our relationship has been very rocky. My boyfriend would sleep on the couch as I would go up stairs and go to bed. I then started to work all the time and not want to be home at all because of how we would fight all the time and not get along. I have not always been the most faithful girlfriend in the world and also thought that I could get away with almost anything. I have cheated on my boyfriend on numerous occasions and never got caught, it was like I loved the risk of it all. About 3 months ago I was let go from my job and was left with nothing. I applied at a place working with children and got a phone call a month later saying i got the job. I started in July, from the first day I started this one gentleman caught my eye. I couldn't help but want him and everything about him. I found out he was and has been married for the last 11 years and also has 2 children.
So as time went on the attraction just seemed to get stronger. One day while working together making the kids something to eat, he had jokingly pushed me into the closet where food was stored and said to one of the other staff we will just be a minute. That is when it all started. I think it was 2 days later after work he asked me to hang out with him. Now, he knew I was in a very long relationship and I knew that he was married, however neither one of us cared. So as the first week went on we hung out almost ever night. One thing that I didnt like with this guy is that he seemed very aggressive, later I found out he was taking steriods and well I should have knew that considering the way he looked. Anyway, one night in the first week we were hanging out he said he didnt want to do anything. I however got upset with that answer and was trying to text the one girl that I worked with there to ask her if I should call him and ask him if he wants to meet up. Well all these nights I had been telling my boyfriend that I was working OT. He worked overnights on Fridays and Sundays so I didnt have anything to worry about. Well this particular Sunday I did. The text message that I was going to send to the girl I worked with went to my boyfriend.
It all gets crazy from here. My boyfriend called me and was like "are you cheating on me?" I then proceeded to hang up the phone and not answer his calls. I then called the married man and he met up with me. Hence that night all of my belongings not including my furniture where in our drive-way. That is what started a new life for me. I had to go and stay with my parents but I wanted to work things out with my boyfriend but he was so mad at me for cheating on him that he wanted to do nothing with me. So I started seeing the married guy on a more serious basis.
Within the last three months things with the married guy have gotten quite serious to the point where he SAYS he is leaving his wife, which he had said from day one and he is doing everything for me. In the beginning we fought alot but the last 3 weeks ever since he caught me at my "boyfriends" house he has been so caring, loving, nice, and will do anything for me. However I have been trying to work things out with my boyfriend. I have been sneaking around the married guy's back. It has gotten to the point where the married guy has caught me at my boyfriend's house and came to the door. We all know the ending to that...it didn't go over well. My question is what do I do? I love my boyfriend more than anything and want to be with him, but when I am with the married guy he makes everything so perfect? Who do I choose and how do I get rid of the married guy if I choose my boyfriend and he won't leave me alone. My boyfriend said that I only have until this Sunday to make my decision whether or not I am coming home. I need help...I think I am in love with two men!!
Sincerly,
Distraught
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you're in love with two men because I don't think you even know what love is. Maybe you're addicted, maybe it's just lust, maybe they're just a habit, maybe you're just a drama queen, but calling it love is an insult.
I can't tell you what to do because this whole situation is just too messed up. I can tell you that I'm rooting for your boyfriend, so I hope you leave him -- that would be the best outcome for him.
As for mister steroids... he deserves whatever fate comes his way.
And you? You need some serious professional therapy.
We seem to oftem argue about petty things
Submitted on Wednesday, November 12, 2008
By Deanne, 24, from New Orleans:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now. We have a pretty good relationship,but we seem to often argue about petty things. I'm the type of person that voices my dissatisfaction with something if it bothers me, rather then hold it in. I guess because of this, my boyfriend says he feels as if he can't tell me anything because I will just get upset or complain that he needs to improve on something else. I understand that most guys find it difficult to discuss feelings in the first place so how can I make he feel more comfortable and open to discussing his feelings with me?
VictorM's advice:
Next to being cheated on, there's probably nothing more infuriating to a guy than his partner acting like his mom, with constant reprimands. You keep this up and not only will this relationship run into trouble, but others will too.
Being nonjudgmental when someone is talking to you, which is what you need to do, is not something easy to do when it's not your basic personality. You need to consider that your "voicing dissatisfaction" is not always a good thing. Often it smacks of selfishness and intolerance. Holding your feelings in is many times the right thing to do, particularly if you want to encourage another to speak freely.
But to get you from where you are to where you need to be is more than I can handle on this webpage. Seek professional help if you can. Chances are that you're going to need it.
By Deanne, 24, from New Orleans:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now. We have a pretty good relationship,but we seem to often argue about petty things. I'm the type of person that voices my dissatisfaction with something if it bothers me, rather then hold it in. I guess because of this, my boyfriend says he feels as if he can't tell me anything because I will just get upset or complain that he needs to improve on something else. I understand that most guys find it difficult to discuss feelings in the first place so how can I make he feel more comfortable and open to discussing his feelings with me?
VictorM's advice:
Next to being cheated on, there's probably nothing more infuriating to a guy than his partner acting like his mom, with constant reprimands. You keep this up and not only will this relationship run into trouble, but others will too.
Being nonjudgmental when someone is talking to you, which is what you need to do, is not something easy to do when it's not your basic personality. You need to consider that your "voicing dissatisfaction" is not always a good thing. Often it smacks of selfishness and intolerance. Holding your feelings in is many times the right thing to do, particularly if you want to encourage another to speak freely.
But to get you from where you are to where you need to be is more than I can handle on this webpage. Seek professional help if you can. Chances are that you're going to need it.
I don't know if my best friend likes me more than a friend
Submitted on Tuesday, November 11, 2008
By Kathy:
I don't know if my best friend likes me more than a friend.
- we hang around with the same group of friends ever day. He's very crazy and silly when we're in a group but he becomes serious or quiet when it's just me and him.
- he likes to analyze what I do. He can read me like a book: I think it's because we think alike. hard to tell if he knows I like him.
- he invited me over to his house for Thanksgiving because I don't have a family to go to. he has introduced me to his parents already (but I met them with his other friends...I chickened out and suggested we all get introduced at once instead of me by myself).
- lately he's been making fun of me a lot: my quirks, mannerisms, attitude, everything under the sun. It's gotten a little annoying.
- he calls me to see how I'm doing with homework
- he lets me hug him, but he's only ever given me a hug once.
- I tried to snuggle when we were watching a movie but he looked uncomfortable. Maybe because we were watching with a huge group of friends (mostly guys)?
- He let me rest my head on him and we held hands when we went stargazing (with a group of friends). He claimed it was because it was cold.
- We played tennis together when I asked him if he had time. He said "ummm..maybe," first when a girl who also likes him was around, and then said "yes" when she left.
So...is he just a good friend or do I have a chance? He's never had a gf before and I don't know if he's even interested in having one yet... will it become awkward if I ask him first? I value the friendship.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could like you, but nothing that you wrote suggests that he does. If he does, he's hiding it well.
Guys don't have to like a girl to like touching her. Coping a feel of silky smooth female skin is always fun. It has nothing to do with feelings.
By Kathy:
I don't know if my best friend likes me more than a friend.
- we hang around with the same group of friends ever day. He's very crazy and silly when we're in a group but he becomes serious or quiet when it's just me and him.
- he likes to analyze what I do. He can read me like a book: I think it's because we think alike. hard to tell if he knows I like him.
- he invited me over to his house for Thanksgiving because I don't have a family to go to. he has introduced me to his parents already (but I met them with his other friends...I chickened out and suggested we all get introduced at once instead of me by myself).
- lately he's been making fun of me a lot: my quirks, mannerisms, attitude, everything under the sun. It's gotten a little annoying.
- he calls me to see how I'm doing with homework
- he lets me hug him, but he's only ever given me a hug once.
- I tried to snuggle when we were watching a movie but he looked uncomfortable. Maybe because we were watching with a huge group of friends (mostly guys)?
- He let me rest my head on him and we held hands when we went stargazing (with a group of friends). He claimed it was because it was cold.
- We played tennis together when I asked him if he had time. He said "ummm..maybe," first when a girl who also likes him was around, and then said "yes" when she left.
So...is he just a good friend or do I have a chance? He's never had a gf before and I don't know if he's even interested in having one yet... will it become awkward if I ask him first? I value the friendship.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could like you, but nothing that you wrote suggests that he does. If he does, he's hiding it well.
Guys don't have to like a girl to like touching her. Coping a feel of silky smooth female skin is always fun. It has nothing to do with feelings.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I've met the guy a few times at parties
Submitted on Tuesday, November 11, 2008
By Breanna, 23, from Queensland, AU:
Hey Victor
I love reading your advice to others so hopefully you can give me your opinion on this: A few months ago when I broke up with my bf a friend of mine asked me what I think of a friend of her fiance. I've met the guy a few times at parties but I have no interest in him and told her so. Ever since then he's been showing up more often when I meet with my friend and her fiance's friends. We all play beach volleyball and he's started to come to that as well, even though he's no good at all. Last weekend I got a message from him (she gave him my number without checking with me first!) asking if I'd want to join the group for a lunch at his place. I had no other plans and so I went and he was nice to me but I feel as if he's scared to talk to me, we talk a bit but it's just general chit chat, never a proper conversation, it seems he's unsure about talking to me or something. Anyway, most recently we met up for volleyball again and although he had a flight to catch in the evening he still came and only stayed about half an hour and the beach is like on the opposite side of the airport. I've told my friend that I am not interested in him and although she says ok, fine, she's constantly saying how great he is and how if she was single she'd snatch him up. I enjoy catching up with this group of friends but it's getting a little awkward when it's just me, him, my friend and her fiance…I feel like we're on a double date. This guy has not said anything or made a move so I can't just assume he's interested. So, from a guy's point of view, is he interested or am I just reading too much into this? And if he is, or could be, do I just act like I don't suspect a thing?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he is interested, but maybe he's just doing it because she's pressuring him too. It's quite possible that she's playing the matchmaker from hell to both of you and is telling him the same things about you. Maybe he's making an effort with you because she talks about how wonderful you are.
You don't really have to do anything (refrain from poking her eyes out). The way it is, you enjoy the company of your friends, him included, and until and unless he gives you a sign that he wants more, treat him as just another friendship.
If you feel comfortable enough, you could talk to him, telling him that you feel some pressure from her but that you enjoy the friendship as is and regardless of what she might say, you're not looking for anything more. This approach is a bit is dicey. If he's interested in more he might pull away from the group. Your call if it's worth trying it.
By Breanna, 23, from Queensland, AU:
Hey Victor
I love reading your advice to others so hopefully you can give me your opinion on this: A few months ago when I broke up with my bf a friend of mine asked me what I think of a friend of her fiance. I've met the guy a few times at parties but I have no interest in him and told her so. Ever since then he's been showing up more often when I meet with my friend and her fiance's friends. We all play beach volleyball and he's started to come to that as well, even though he's no good at all. Last weekend I got a message from him (she gave him my number without checking with me first!) asking if I'd want to join the group for a lunch at his place. I had no other plans and so I went and he was nice to me but I feel as if he's scared to talk to me, we talk a bit but it's just general chit chat, never a proper conversation, it seems he's unsure about talking to me or something. Anyway, most recently we met up for volleyball again and although he had a flight to catch in the evening he still came and only stayed about half an hour and the beach is like on the opposite side of the airport. I've told my friend that I am not interested in him and although she says ok, fine, she's constantly saying how great he is and how if she was single she'd snatch him up. I enjoy catching up with this group of friends but it's getting a little awkward when it's just me, him, my friend and her fiance…I feel like we're on a double date. This guy has not said anything or made a move so I can't just assume he's interested. So, from a guy's point of view, is he interested or am I just reading too much into this? And if he is, or could be, do I just act like I don't suspect a thing?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he is interested, but maybe he's just doing it because she's pressuring him too. It's quite possible that she's playing the matchmaker from hell to both of you and is telling him the same things about you. Maybe he's making an effort with you because she talks about how wonderful you are.
You don't really have to do anything (refrain from poking her eyes out). The way it is, you enjoy the company of your friends, him included, and until and unless he gives you a sign that he wants more, treat him as just another friendship.
If you feel comfortable enough, you could talk to him, telling him that you feel some pressure from her but that you enjoy the friendship as is and regardless of what she might say, you're not looking for anything more. This approach is a bit is dicey. If he's interested in more he might pull away from the group. Your call if it's worth trying it.
He flirted with me like crazy
Submitted on Tuesday, November 11, 2008
By Jess, 20, from USA:
There's this guy that I've been interested in and he has a girlfriend or at least he did... He flirted with me like crazy while he was going out with her and i confronted him about it and asked if he liked me... we went to a party and his girlfriend broke up with him. Now he won't talk to me and I don't know what to do. Does he still like me or was he just using me because his girlfriend lived farther away and he couldn't see her all the time. I make attempts to talk to him but he just blows me off... What should i do?
VictorM's advice:
He blows you off and you still wonder if he likes you? Come on Jess... move on.
He never really liked you. Guys don't have to like a girl to flirt with her, they just have to feel that they can get away with it.
There's this guy that I've been interested in and he has a girlfriend or at least he did... He flirted with me like crazy while he was going out with her and i confronted him about it and asked if he liked me... we went to a party and his girlfriend broke up with him. Now he won't talk to me and I don't know what to do. Does he still like me or was he just using me because his girlfriend lived farther away and he couldn't see her all the time. I make attempts to talk to him but he just blows me off... What should i do?
VictorM's advice:
He blows you off and you still wonder if he likes you? Come on Jess... move on.
He never really liked you. Guys don't have to like a girl to flirt with her, they just have to feel that they can get away with it.
Things seem to be getting really dull
Submitted on Tuesday, November 11, 2008
By rosie, 18, from ohio:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now and things seem to be getting really dull. He doesn't seem to be as interested in me but he says he's still deeply in love with me but it doesn't really sound like he means it. I find that we don't even really have time for each other anymore and the time we do have we don't do anything to help our relationship. It seems that all he wants to do is have sex or he doesn't really seem to care or want to talk or be with me. I think he's getting bored with me, but I try to make myself interesting and seem happy but it doesn't seem good enough. What should I do? This actually really hurts because up until recently we've taken a lot of interest in each others lives, now he just seems agitated when he's around me.
VictorM's advice:
It is quite common for guys to get lazy about their attention to their loved one when they feel secure in the relationship. And the more you try, the worse it gets because he just gets more secure about owning you. Really, you trying harder is making things worse. It's time to shake up his sense of security.
Make time for your friends, for your hobbies, for yourself. Look your best when you go out without him. When he can't come see you, say it's OK and wish him fun. Make other plans. Be a bit too busy for him from time to time. Make him work for your attention.
Now, I'm not saying he'll work for your attention, but if he doesn't, then you know he's really over you, regardless of what his words say.
By rosie, 18, from ohio:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now and things seem to be getting really dull. He doesn't seem to be as interested in me but he says he's still deeply in love with me but it doesn't really sound like he means it. I find that we don't even really have time for each other anymore and the time we do have we don't do anything to help our relationship. It seems that all he wants to do is have sex or he doesn't really seem to care or want to talk or be with me. I think he's getting bored with me, but I try to make myself interesting and seem happy but it doesn't seem good enough. What should I do? This actually really hurts because up until recently we've taken a lot of interest in each others lives, now he just seems agitated when he's around me.
VictorM's advice:
It is quite common for guys to get lazy about their attention to their loved one when they feel secure in the relationship. And the more you try, the worse it gets because he just gets more secure about owning you. Really, you trying harder is making things worse. It's time to shake up his sense of security.
Make time for your friends, for your hobbies, for yourself. Look your best when you go out without him. When he can't come see you, say it's OK and wish him fun. Make other plans. Be a bit too busy for him from time to time. Make him work for your attention.
Now, I'm not saying he'll work for your attention, but if he doesn't, then you know he's really over you, regardless of what his words say.
Married man going out
Submitted on Tuesday, November 11, 2008
By Morja, 23, from St.Louis:
How often should a married man with kids go out per week, and what time should he be home? Also, is it appropriate for him to hang out with his best friend, who happens to be a girl (and a drunk) very often?
VictorM's advice:
There is no right or wrong answer here. Some guys are more extroverts than others.
The right frequency is the one that both members in the relationship agree upon. The same thing applies to his friendships.
The important thing is to express your feelings and not accuse him of doing anything wrong.
By Morja, 23, from St.Louis:
How often should a married man with kids go out per week, and what time should he be home? Also, is it appropriate for him to hang out with his best friend, who happens to be a girl (and a drunk) very often?
VictorM's advice:
There is no right or wrong answer here. Some guys are more extroverts than others.
The right frequency is the one that both members in the relationship agree upon. The same thing applies to his friendships.
The important thing is to express your feelings and not accuse him of doing anything wrong.
He is saying he needs time
Submitted on Monday, November 10, 2008
By christabella, 34, from: Minneapolis:
A guy I went out with briefly 8 years ago just moved back to the area. He moved back here to establish a relationship with his 3 year old son. He ended what he claims was a 2 year pretty messed up relationship with a girl and he said it hurt. He contacted me and sounded like he wanted us to get to know each other again. We've had some good conversations...but now he is saying he needs time to get his heart and head straight. I don't know if he's just putting me off, or he really needs time. Then the question is, how much time, and does that mean I shouldn't contact him at all, and wait for him to come to me? This guy is amazing and I don't want to miss an opportunity to be with him. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
Guys only need time "to get their heart together" when they realize they are no longer into the person to whom they are saying it. It's a polite way of backing out from what seemed like a good idea at first.
Don't wait for him. If I'm wrong and he comes back, great, but don't count on it.
By christabella, 34, from: Minneapolis:
A guy I went out with briefly 8 years ago just moved back to the area. He moved back here to establish a relationship with his 3 year old son. He ended what he claims was a 2 year pretty messed up relationship with a girl and he said it hurt. He contacted me and sounded like he wanted us to get to know each other again. We've had some good conversations...but now he is saying he needs time to get his heart and head straight. I don't know if he's just putting me off, or he really needs time. Then the question is, how much time, and does that mean I shouldn't contact him at all, and wait for him to come to me? This guy is amazing and I don't want to miss an opportunity to be with him. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
Guys only need time "to get their heart together" when they realize they are no longer into the person to whom they are saying it. It's a polite way of backing out from what seemed like a good idea at first.
Don't wait for him. If I'm wrong and he comes back, great, but don't count on it.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
We are dating very casually
Submitted on Sunday, November 09, 2008
By Alex, 30, from NYC:
Victor, does it mean anything if the man i have started to date has gotten lazy with keeping contact? My guy will go hog wild with the phone on some days (call 2, 3 times in one day) and then other times 5 days may pass and no word unless I call him. Seems to coincide with our work schedules (we work for the same company). Seems he likes to chat a lot when we work the same days..almost like he uses me as a sounding board since we have our workplace in common. A couple of times now he has promised to call back too and has failed to do so..blows me off on the phone and then never calls back like he says he will. We are dating very casually...I don't see it's my business to ask just yet, but almost seems he has other things to distract him. He rarely divulges what he does with his free time away from me and our time together/phone conversations. Not sure if he no longer likes me, or if perhaps I am making something big out of something small/petty?
VictorM's advice:
I can't vouch for his feelings towards you, but I can tell you that, much to the chagrin of most females, your guy is behaving the way most guys behave. See, in general, we guys aren't good at multitasking and compartmentalizing (not letting the thoughts of one event relate to all other events). It's so easy for a guy to get carried away and lose track of time.
I'm not saying that this behavior needs to be accepted by women, I'm just explaining how guys are. But I somehow may not change your mind because after all, it is like a woman to make something big out of something petty. :-p
I always feel like he wants to have sex with every girl
Submitted on Sunday, November 09, 2008
By nini, 24, from colorado:
Hello. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We love each other very much. We have been through some really hard times, but our love has grown. Well lately, I have been thinking that he is not attracted to me. I always feel like he wants to have sex with every girl that walks by him. I feel like he doesn't think that I'm attractive. I am on the heavy side. He tells me that I am beautiful and that I am perfect. But I really don't think that's what he really thinks. Do guys really care about the body? Do you really want to have sex with every girl or do you compare other girls to your girlfriends?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing stops us from liking a heavier girl, or a tiny girl, or a tall girl. As a friend of mine used to say, he only had two rules when it came to girls he liked having sex with: she had to be breathing and not be his mother.
When a guy is with one girl, she is the perfect one. That's because we guys aren't comparison shoppers -- not at the mall, not in the bedroom. That's not to say that each guy doesn't have his own preferences, but in your case, you are one of your boyfriend's preferences, so get over it.
Of course he fantasizes about having sex with other girls. He wouldn't be a normal guy if he didn't. As long as it stays a fantasy, you have nothing to worry about.
Now, stop thinking about all this stuff and go fuck him silly (put down the sandwich first!).
My ex boyfriend got back in touch with me 3 months ago
Submitted on Sunday, November 09, 2008
You`re thoughts on this would be great. I really like this guy, and i think he likes me, but his behaviour is totally confrusing me.
By carla, 38, from united kingdom:
My ex boyfriend got back in touch with me 3 months ago. We had split up 3 months prior to this over a stupid argument. I had been the one initially making the contact every few weeks after the split as I really wanted us to get back together. He never actually said that it was over, the only explanation that i got out of him was that he didn`t know what he wanted. I left him alone and as i said above he got in touch with me again. In the 3 months that we have been in contact, he has never asked to se me again, despite texting me virtually every day. Sometimes more than once a day. He also texts most friday and saturday nights when he comes home after being out (he doesn`t drink that much so he`s not drunk) asking have i been out, did i enjoy myself, was i with my female friend etc. No sexual content in these texts. Once a few weeks ago he made a sexual remark that he wished he was `working on me`, when i replied that i wished he was working on me too, we had a laugh about it, then he said `sorry, shouldn`t have said that` when i asked what he meant, he said that it wasn`t fair seeing as how we weren`t `together`, i said that yes that was true, but that i wished we were together. He then just avoided the whole thing saying that he better let me get to sleep, goodnight beautiful.
The very next night i bumped into him in the pub, i was friendly but cool, as after all, i`m not dating him. After chatting i went to join my friends and didn`t go near him again. All night he was watching me, and before he left he came over to find out where we were going next and hinted that his friend who was driving would give us a lift home. I didn`t know where we were going and told him that. He then tracked me down by text message as to my whereabouts at the end of the night, and offered a lift home, which i said yes to. He never tried to snog me or get into my house when they dropped me off. He then text me when he got home saying that he could `do with playing with my hair`, which he used to do all the time when we were toghether. I text him back saying that i would love that.
I work night shift some times and if he texts me and realises that i`m working, he will then text me during the night if he wakes up asking how my shift is going etc this happens regularly. the other week we were txting each other when i was heading home in the morning, and when i got into my bed i text him back saying i would be thinking of him when i was tucked up in my cosy bed, he text back saying that he would `hold me and play with my hair till i fell asleep` this is the sort of thing that he would text when we were together. i told him i would love that.
After 3 months of this, as you can imagine, i`m quite frustrated, and confused. Last week i asked him if he wanted to come with me to a party last sat and he made some excuse saying that he already had promised a friend who had been ill that him and his friends would go out with her. I was totally honest with him saying that when we had been together i had totally fallen for him, thought he had felt the same, and i had no idea why he was still in contact with me if he had no intention of ever asking to see me again. He responded quite cheekily. saying that he didn`t think he wasn`t being fair to me, (i had said that in my message) did i want him to stop texting me? I didn`t get drawn into an argument, just said that he wasn`t going to make me feel bad, i loved hearing from him, but i was only letting him know what i wanted, and i was sure he would come to the correct decision. He said he loved hearing from me too. He then text back later that night to ask was i working? I didn`t txt back till the next afternoon, as i had been so angry, hurt and upset that he could clearly make time for this friend, but not me, even tho he texts me every day. He then sent me some funny jokes for the next three days, and i was so confused etc, i just ignored them. He then didn`t contact me again for about 6 days, then he text me again, i replied to this text. He has still continued to text most days, he text me again fri night trying to find out if i had been out and if so who with, i answered, but was politely vague, my reasoning is, if he doesn`t want to see me, then it's none of his business what i`m doing or who i`m doing it with.
You`re thoughts on this would be great. I really like this guy, and i think he likes me, but his behaviour is totally confrusing me.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like this "stupid argument" was a much bigger deal with him than with you. Maybe your problem starts in that difference of opinion.
I'm going to guess that the argument, whether you know it or know, bruised his ego severely. That explains him breaking up with you and taking a while to contact you again. The current contact, with all it's "caressing your hair" stuff while at the same time not wanting a reconciliation has one purpose: to hurt you in much the same way he was hurt. This action is standard procedure for guys. We have a need to inflict pain on those that hurt us as a way to heal ourselves. How much pain does he need to inflict on you before he heals -- either by moving on or reconciling -- I can't say.
You'd be wise to make a strong effort to understand his point of view about the severity of the argument you had. Minimizing what happened isn't going to help you get to the bottom of this.
I have continued to casually date other people
Submitted on Saturday, November 08, 2008
By Hannah, 25, from WV:
Hi Victor,
I've been going out with this guy for about two months now. I started taking group ballroom dancing classes in September, and he's the instructor. ;) As soon as we met in class, I could tell there was a connection. I called to ask him about taking private lessons, and after talking for a few minutes, he asked me to lunch. We see each other fairly often, and we've both met each others' families. He's always suggesting different things for us to do together, and he's very affectionate. He's a wonderful guy, and I haven't clicked like this with someone in a long time. Okay...so here's the problem...
When we first started seeing each other, he sent me this long email about how we should have a talk about exclusive dating when the appropriate time comes rather than just assuming we're dating exclusively. So...I have continued to casually date other people thinking that was what he wanted even though I really just want to be with him and would be his girlfrend in a heartbeat. We really haven't discussed the "exclusive" thing since the first week we started going out, although he "accidentally" called me his girlfriend twice. ;) So...a couple of weeks ago, I decided to bring it up and let him know I was dating other people but if he decided he wanted a committed relationship with me, I would be his in a second. It turns out that he hasn't been seeing anyone else, but he doesn't want to "rush into anything" because he has done that with girls in the past and it didn't turn out well.
Does this sound like a cop out to you? I don't think seeing each other for two months is rushing into a relationship. Maybe I've just been reading "He's Just Not That Into You" too many times. Also, maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. What do you think?
I've been going out with this guy for about two months now. I started taking group ballroom dancing classes in September, and he's the instructor. ;) As soon as we met in class, I could tell there was a connection. I called to ask him about taking private lessons, and after talking for a few minutes, he asked me to lunch. We see each other fairly often, and we've both met each others' families. He's always suggesting different things for us to do together, and he's very affectionate. He's a wonderful guy, and I haven't clicked like this with someone in a long time. Okay...so here's the problem...
When we first started seeing each other, he sent me this long email about how we should have a talk about exclusive dating when the appropriate time comes rather than just assuming we're dating exclusively. So...I have continued to casually date other people thinking that was what he wanted even though I really just want to be with him and would be his girlfrend in a heartbeat. We really haven't discussed the "exclusive" thing since the first week we started going out, although he "accidentally" called me his girlfriend twice. ;) So...a couple of weeks ago, I decided to bring it up and let him know I was dating other people but if he decided he wanted a committed relationship with me, I would be his in a second. It turns out that he hasn't been seeing anyone else, but he doesn't want to "rush into anything" because he has done that with girls in the past and it didn't turn out well.
Does this sound like a cop out to you? I don't think seeing each other for two months is rushing into a relationship. Maybe I've just been reading "He's Just Not That Into You" too many times. Also, maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
In guy terms, two months is not a long time, no. Most guys would prefer to know a girl longer than that before taking the plunge into committed relationship. That by itself doesn't sound like a cop out to me.
He says he loves me one day and the next he doesn't
Submitted on Saturday, November 08, 2008
By Tiffani, 27, fro: Las vegas, nv:
I have been with this guy for seven years and he says he loves me one day and the next he doesn't. Also, he talks to this girl which he says they are friends 5 to 8 times a day if not more. What should I do or should I worry?
VictorM's advice:
If a guy flip-flops between loving you and not loving you, it's safe to say that he doesn't love. He may just be used to you, he may not want to hurt you, he may be afraid to make a move, he may have not found someone else yet, but he has no incentive to stay with you over the long haul.
He's up to no good with that other girl. No guy talks that often with a girl for the sake of just friendship. You'll be history in just a matter of time.
Monday, November 10, 2008
He says I'm sexy
Submitted on Saturday, November 08, 2008
By Dana, 23, from USA:
My boyfriend of 5 months always says I'm sexy, but rarely says I'm pretty, cute, or beautiful. To me, it means more when a guy, especially one I'm dating, thinks I'm pretty. Saying I'm sexy or fine all the time just comes across as wanting me for just my body and sex. Should I feel like he isn't attracted to me fully?
VictorM's advice:
He's talking in guy language, and to him "sexy" implies pretty and beautiful. So no, you shouldn't feel that he only wants your body.
As Cat Stevens wrote: "There are no words, I can use / because their meaning still leaves for you to choose." That's the problem with words sometimes, we each apply our own meaning to the same word, and based on our own personal and unique experiences, it may invoke different thoughts and feelings. I have known women who didn't like being called "cute," as an example. So a guy never really knows what will work well from one woman to another.
The solution is simple: communicate. Don't reprimand him, instead, next time he calls you pretty or beautiful, let him know how much you love it when he does. I'm willing to bet he calls you sexy because he believes you like hearing it and will call you pretty or beautiful if he realizes that's your preference.
Thoughts on my friends' situation
Submitted on Friday, November 07, 2008
By Jane, 20, from USA:
Please give me your thoughts on my friends' situation. She broke up with her boyfriend 18 months ago after a 2 year relationship, but they still kept in touch about every other week up until 2 weeks ago. They each broke up with each other before going to college, (he is one year older and their colleges are one hour apart) but both times by November they were back together. My friend had his support through her problem with an eating disorder but after seeing a therapist decided she was too young and not ready for a serious relationship (he talked of getting married some day) and needed to experience life on her own and figure out who she was without an eating disorder before if ever she would be able to give him what he deserved. He was devastated when she broke up with him over the phone, but it was very difficult for her to do also. They would once in awhile go to dinner and a movie after the break up. She asked him to a wedding this past summer, but he was already going on a camping trip so he didn't go with her. She asked him to her cousins wedding recently and he told her he already asked his friend Kathy who he dates sometimes. My friend was unhappy and not wanting to see him at the wedding with her. After the wedding they talked again and she told him she wanted to get back together and it would be for good on her part because she could never ever hurt him like that again, but he told her it was too late. Some of her friends, myself included always thought someday they would get married because they are really close and have a special connection because most people when they break up don't still talk to each other so much. She told him if ever things change he should call her and if she is seeing someone else to break them up because she wants to be with him. She also said she won't call him anymore. She doesn't know that I talked to him and he told me he has been dating Kathy most of the summer and that he would consider her his girlfriend (whatever that means, I am guessing she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship)and they have been friends since freshman year of college. She actually is the girl he met at college but chose my friend over when he started college.
He said he had a rough time when she broke it off and left him in a bad place emotionally, but he got over it and moved on, it was the only thing he could do. He mentioned if she still has feelings for him she shouldn't have broke it off the way that she did and that he has no intentions of dating her again because he would be terrified of getting hurt like that again (he told me all of this before my friend called him about getting back together). He said to me he still cares for her she was a part of his life for a long time, but my feelings for her now are nothing more than friendship. He mentioned to me he enjoys touching base with her and seeing how she is doing, (she did most of the every other week calling) but doesn't want to stir up hopes. He thinks she needs someone to love and care for her and he tried to be that person, but she chose not for him to be. He hopes that she and her family will always be a part of his life.
I saw the way he looked at her back in May and he certainly had feelings for her then. Do you have any advice on how she might be able to get him back? Do you think now that she isn't going to call him he will start missing her and then maybe get back together or do you think it is over forever?
He said he had a rough time when she broke it off and left him in a bad place emotionally, but he got over it and moved on, it was the only thing he could do. He mentioned if she still has feelings for him she shouldn't have broke it off the way that she did and that he has no intentions of dating her again because he would be terrified of getting hurt like that again (he told me all of this before my friend called him about getting back together). He said to me he still cares for her she was a part of his life for a long time, but my feelings for her now are nothing more than friendship. He mentioned to me he enjoys touching base with her and seeing how she is doing, (she did most of the every other week calling) but doesn't want to stir up hopes. He thinks she needs someone to love and care for her and he tried to be that person, but she chose not for him to be. He hopes that she and her family will always be a part of his life.
I saw the way he looked at her back in May and he certainly had feelings for her then. Do you have any advice on how she might be able to get him back? Do you think now that she isn't going to call him he will start missing her and then maybe get back together or do you think it is over forever?
VictorM's advice:
He was deeply wounded by her and the only way he can get over it is if he can wound her more deeply. That is the only way his ego can accept her back. So basically, she has to turn the table around so that he goes from being the victim, to her being the victim and he can get "revenge." May sound odd to you, but that's the way most males behave and handle pain. Her staying away is just reinforcing his belief that she hurt him and she doesn't really care.
She needs to let him know that she's distraught over this, and, for example, that he broke her heart going to the wedding with and dating Kathy. She needs to say this in a "I know I have no right" kinda tone, but still, that she is deeply hurt by it. He needs to see her bleeding and crawling on her knees (figuratively speaking, of course) to get a sense of his own healing.
Will this bring him back to her? I don't know. Once guys have been dumped as he was, it's very difficult to bring them back, but if he feels some vindication of how important he really is to her, there's a possibility he'll allow her to be that important to him again.
Saying nasty stuff
Submitted on Friday, November 07, 2008
By Jane, 30, from Illinois:
If I have a boyfriend who says he's not anymore but then turns around and says he loves me and misses me and knows it can work, only saying nasty stuff soon after, what does it mean?
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that by "nasty stuff" you mean in a sexual way, not insults. Let me know if I made the wrong assumption.
I would say this ex-boyfriend is just trying to get laid, and will say what he thinks will get him there.
He's been signing up for online dating/sex sites
Submitted on Thursday, November 06, 2008
By Lala, 28, from Illinois:
My bf's 36; I'm 28. We've been together happily for 5 years. We have a great relationship; he tells me I'm perfect for him and he wants no one else. Lately, however, he's been signing up for online dating/sex sites. It's all local girls and dirty pics. I tell myself it's just porn, but it kind of bothers me that it's a local "hookup" site. His profile is pretty brief and he has no pics of himself..just browses the girls' pics, I guess. He doesn't respond to their emails, either, but checks out the site once a week. Is this the same as porn, even though the girls can send him messages and it's all ameteur porn pics? It would be different if it were girls in magazines, instead of the girl next door. Should I chalk this up to "voyeurism" on his part? He's 100% loyal and reassuring, but I'm afraid I'm ignoring a red flag. Am I?
VictorM's advice:
The way you describe it, it is porn. And as such, different things are turn ons to different guys. Magazines and video clips of professional models can get boring after a while. Maybe it's the fact that the girls are amateurs that provides an extra kick for him. Knowing that the girls are real and could respond may be enough to also enhance the eroticism, even if he never has intentions of contacting them. I believe you are right when you described it as a form of voyeurism.
This activity could very well be harmless (as long as you're OK with him watching porn) and simply be a new way of getting his juices flowing. There's a chance he will get bored with this new angle on porn as well and move on to something else after a while. So I wouldn't call this a read flag, but there is always a risk anytime his energy is on other people instead of you. There is the danger of a slippery slope and this leading to unpleasant results. Frankly, while there is a chance that this is harmless, nothing good will come from it, so it's something he needs to consider.
You shouldn't hesitate to let him know that it bothers you, if it indeed does. If you talk to him about it, just talk about your feelings on the matter without accusing him of any wrong doing.
Message for Shanay, from New York
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
We're both very shy people
Submitted on Wednesday, November 05, 2008
By mary, 15, from alaska:
ok i like a guy and i'm positive he likes me back. but we're both very shy people and i don't know how to take the next step without creeping him out.
VictorM's advice:
No step you take will freak him out. The only wrong thing you can do is do nothing. So... smile at him, greet him by using his name ("Hi, John"), strike up a conversation about topics that you know he likes... anything that gets you two relating to each other is a good thing. Just don't get too far ahead of yourself. Aim for friendship first and go from there.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Divorced for 20 years and he is still not over it
Submitted on Tuesday, November 04, 2008
By maria, 32, from easton:
What happens to a man when his wife decides to cheat and leave him? This guy has been divorced for 20 years and he is still not over it. In other words he is unable to even be in a room with her because of his bitterness towards her. Now he has a good woman around him and he is unable to appreciate her. Does that have more to do with his past or is he just not into this new girl? Can't wait for your response. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
How bitterly he feels about his ex and how he feels about his current partner are totally unrelated. His bitterness towards his ex has nothing to do with love and all to do with his ability to forgive.
His inability to get past what happened is a problem in terms of his personal growth and it's a window into how he will deal with and kind of betrayal in the future, but it has no bearing on his ability to love his present girl.
He did cheat on me in the past
Submitted on Monday, November 03, 2008
By Corynn:
So I have been with my boyfriend for three some years now. Things have been a little rocky since i moved into his house after having been kicked out of my mom's at 18. Well things like seeing how much he really does text drives me crazy. I, as a girl, really only text if i am not with him to him but when i am with him i enjoy his company and just like to hear every word or just lay there without a phone in sight really. problem is that he did cheat on me in the past with a girl that is still his friend. well i do not approve of that but i do not want to make a huge fit over a girl, when as far as i know it's just her and im tired of it though. i do not see any reason for him to talk to her. and i told him that actually this morning and i guess i'll see what the results are soon enough. me, i do not talk to any guys on the phone or through texting or even when i see them because i see no point but i know of a few he still keeps in contact with for innocent reason as far as i know but it makes me think twice. i do not see it wrong for a guy to want privacy but i usually leave my phone around not necessarily because i want him to go through it but if he does oh well. i have nothing to hide. well since i told him that and questioned why he didn't he has been doing it every so often but he erases all his texts and calls. so i just do not know what to think. one thing is to have privacy, another is to have secrets. this may seem a little mixed up but thats just a few things that i can not get off my mind. please help.
VictorM's advice:
Respecting each other's privacy is very important but given the circumstances you described, I can't blame you for being skeptical. He's not doing what he should be doing to give you peace of mind.
As long as you brought it to his attention, there's nothing more you can do than to see his reaction but being with someone that doesn't cater to your emotional needs, within reason, is only going to bring you heartache.
One piece of advice: if you need to talk about this again make sure you talk about your feelings. Do not accuse him of any wrong doing. After all, you're an expert on your feelings but you don't know for sure what he's up to.
We had our first real kiss on the third date
Submitted on Monday, November 03, 2008
By Nathalie, 31, fro: New York, NY:
Follow-up from online guy where the email didn't work. This has turned out pretty well so far. We've been dating since the second week in October very regularly. After the 1st date, we have been seeing each other 2x a week except when I was in London for work during the second week. So about 5 dates in 3 weeks. He has taken the lead and is a real gentleman. He's 37, have a lot of common interests, getting along really well, and live about 10 blocks apart. He remarked on 2nd date why is it we agree on everything b/c it seems just pretty easy.
We had our first real kiss on the third date and he responded "i guess we are both in agreement" so maybe he didnt know what i thought. Last thursday, we went to hear a band he likes at a lounge on Thursday and it turned into a heavy makeout session at the place, then outside waiting to get a cab, followed by in the cab. Well it all started when he rubbed by back in the place and then ended up with his hand under my shirt rubbing my back and then in my jeans' back pockets - was a lot of fun;) Sunday/yesterday was more tame and we watched the marathon live and had brunch and walked around for a bit. He generally walks me home too. The only real affection yesterday was the goodbye when we kissed for a little bit. We will meet again on Wed. How does it sound?
We had our first real kiss on the third date and he responded "i guess we are both in agreement" so maybe he didnt know what i thought. Last thursday, we went to hear a band he likes at a lounge on Thursday and it turned into a heavy makeout session at the place, then outside waiting to get a cab, followed by in the cab. Well it all started when he rubbed by back in the place and then ended up with his hand under my shirt rubbing my back and then in my jeans' back pockets - was a lot of fun;) Sunday/yesterday was more tame and we watched the marathon live and had brunch and walked around for a bit. He generally walks me home too. The only real affection yesterday was the goodbye when we kissed for a little bit. We will meet again on Wed. How does it sound?
VictorM's advice:
For a moment I thought I was ready passages from a steamy hot novel. :)
Looks like you two are doing great.
Stock up on the condoms -- you're gonna need them pretty soon. :-p
We cuddled and flirted a ton
Submitted on Monday, November 03, 2008
By ally, 17, from California:
So i like this guy and i thought he liked because we cuddled and flirted a ton! But after a few weeks i see him talking/flirting with other girls right in front of me. My friend told me she overheard him saying, when another girl asked him about us cuddling, that we weren't and that confuses me. At first I thought he was making me jealous but now...i don't know. And he's kind of been less talkative in the past few days. I haven't talked to him the past few days but i don't know what to do when i see him next. I really like him... what should i do?
VictorM's advice:
Guys cuddle and flirt with as many girls as they can. The physical contact is fun and they don't have to be in love or even like a girl that much to enjoy it. I have no idea if he likes you or not, but the cuddle and flirting aren't much of an indication.
The denial that he was cuddling with you, if true, does give you a clue that he doesn't regard the cuddling that serious, at least not serious enough to prevent him from possibly getting into cuddling and flirting with other girls. And that's not uncommon at all for boys your age.
If you like him, smile and be nice to him next time you see him. Just because he may be having an itch to flirt around doesn't mean he can't get serious with one girl. Being nice to him improves your odds that you may be the one. Of course, whether you choose to cuddle with him next time around is up to you.
Dropping off the face of the earth
Submitted on Sunday, November 02, 2008
By Mandy, 24, from NY:
So, in June I submitted a question "It seemed that he was really interested in me." It was about being set up on a blind date, having things go well, and then never hearing from the guy again. Well, almost 4 months later and I recieve a phone call from him, asking how I've been and what I've been up to. Since then, he has called/texted but hasn't addressed the "dropping off the face of the earth" after our 2nd date. I heard from a mutual friend that he said (supposedly) that I was "too nice"... as in not slutty enough for him. Not sure if I should bring this up if we go out again or wait for him to bring it up (if he would do that). Advice? Thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
It may not be the best manners in the world, but he was under no obligation to justify himself to you after only 2 dates. Bringing up the question now would get him on the defensive right away, so I think it's best for you to take a "nice to hear from you" attitude. If you two start seeing each other more regularly, then you might, for the sake of curiosity, ask why he disappeared for a while.
If the explanation that you're "too nice" is the real reason he took a break, it's quite a common one. Sometimes a guy who is in the mood to play the field may not be ready for a nice girl and he prefers to walk away than to take advantage of her or hurt her feelings.
Do you like me?
Submitted on Sunday, November 02, 2008
By gracie, 39, from lisle il:
I started dating a guy.. went well then i really didn't see him much... I did ask if he still wanted me to talk to him...he seemed busy, which i know he is, and at the end of a divorce... he told me, "it's complicated but I definitely don't want to stop talking to you." He still would contact me in some form almost every day.. every once in a while he would hit me with a question in the midle of a IM conversation, like.. "do you like me?" Then this last weekend he went on vacation with his brothers and friends to LV..*(supposed to be the divorce celebration). I never once thought that i'd hear from him.. but lo and behold every day I'd get a text from him. is he thinking of me? but just a few min ago, i got a text that said... "I'm on vacation and all i can do is think about you'!... I'm very careful, I read christian carter books and don't nag, cling or talk too much... how do i take his questions without messing anything up? (YES i really like this guy! more so than anyone i've ever dated.. but I've also pulled the whole "Girl" act on them without even knowing there was one till i started reading books... Anyway.. My question is: how do i answer him (I'm the honest type) without scaring him?.. I really would like this to go somewhere....I want to be that "unique" one, the one he thinks is "the one!"...Grace
VictorM's advice:
Answer him honestly. If you like him, say you like him. Just don't get ahead of yourself when talking to him about it. Unless he asks, don't bring up that you'd like for this to go somewhere. It's not that you don't have a right to say it; it's just that guys are much slower at getting to the stage of commitment, and until they do, they don't like to feel there is any pressure.
The drama continues
Submitted on Sunday, November 02, 2008
By lisa, 25:
ok victor, the drama continues... so if you remember i wrote about the "bull line" and "2 girls fighting over him." ok well we started hanging out more, and he said that while he didn't know if he wanted a relationship right now he still likes me, is attracted to me, and wants to be more than just friends. we fooled around a little but still have not had sex. however, here's where the drama comes in. one night he takes me out with friends, that other girl i was telling you about was there, and another girl was there as well. i find out he is hooking up girl #3 as well, which i guess i can't really be mad at since we are supposed to be just friends. but at the same time the other who is in a serious relationship confesses that they have had sex recently as well. why on earth would this guy bring all three of us out, with alcohol involved? wouldn't you know that this would not end well and that notes would probably get compared and that things, may they be true or not would be said? i feel like he was trying to play us all against each other and i don't really get it. his excuse was, i can't be mad because we aren't exclusive....well ok? but why would you put yourself through all that drama? doesn't make any sense to me.
VictorM's advice:
Guys love to brag. That's what this is all about.
But look at the bright side: he's giving you a very good indication of the type of guy he is and where he stands. It's up to you to make sense of the message and make smart decisions.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Scared or uninterested?
Submitted on Saturday, November 01, 2008
By Jen, 19, from NYU:
UPDATE from this
so there is this guy in my college class. i am getting mixed signals. we first met he was nice and talkative and outgoing......I also catch him staring at me a lot but he wont speak to me unless i do first. Now he sheepishly avoids me. i thought he liked me......
My update...
i talked to him some and kinda sort of asked him to come see a campus club with me. and he said no he was ok. i then replied, oh no i wasn't asking you on a date. he just said hahah yes i know i don't like the clubs...i didn't know what to say after that... so i asked what does he like? and he never answered... wtf?
PLUS before this encounter i asked him for some help on home work and he said sure he would love to help but then when it came to actually helping me he kept saying he was busy...
i dont understand is he scared or uninterested? why be nice? why offer to help? he spoke to me first! i guess he's lost interest.
How can i get him to notice me again? anything? text? email? myspace? in person? or should i give up?
so there is this guy in my college class. i am getting mixed signals. we first met he was nice and talkative and outgoing......I also catch him staring at me a lot but he wont speak to me unless i do first. Now he sheepishly avoids me. i thought he liked me......
My update...
i talked to him some and kinda sort of asked him to come see a campus club with me. and he said no he was ok. i then replied, oh no i wasn't asking you on a date. he just said hahah yes i know i don't like the clubs...i didn't know what to say after that... so i asked what does he like? and he never answered... wtf?
PLUS before this encounter i asked him for some help on home work and he said sure he would love to help but then when it came to actually helping me he kept saying he was busy...
i dont understand is he scared or uninterested? why be nice? why offer to help? he spoke to me first! i guess he's lost interest.
How can i get him to notice me again? anything? text? email? myspace? in person? or should i give up?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's just not interested. Being nice and offering to hep just means he has social manners.
Give up.
I don't mean that as accepting defeat; I just think ignoring him for a while may be the best way to capture his interest in talking to you again. Meanwhile... there are a lot of boys on campus. Pay them attention.
Sexual atraction between me and my guy friend
Submitted on Saturday, November 01, 2008
By shanayy, 19, from new york:
heyy :) i love your advice, and i was just wondering if you can maybe help me out.
okay, so i'm one of those- fell for my guy best friend situation.. we've been best friends for about 2 years now, and there's always ALWAYS been sexual attraction between me and my guy friend. he'd hug me so tightly, lay on me when were hanging out, put my head on his shoulder, touch my legs.. so many cute gestures. we've been always close, but not like brother-sister close, and honestly we acted like we've dated- except without the physical stuff, such as kissing, etc. he acted like my boyfriend plenty of times.. even to this day- [ btw he has a girlfriend :| ] who was his ex, but to this day- he still treats me differently then other girls. i know we're comfortable with each other, and everything, but i feel like he takes it beyond that level.. the way he stares into my eyes, and hangs out all the time, always touching me, or singing cute little songs to me when were just hangin out, like i couldn't help but want to be his. he constantly says sexual jokes, and he's so sweet but then we'll be like "hey girlfriend" or something cuz we know it's like weird. he tried to jokingly read down my shirt when they first were going out- and i was just like "heyy hows ur gf" and he was just like "you know- i WAS single for a year..." and it just made me think.
His girlfriend is mad that we hang out a lot, and even asked him if he was cheating on her, but we havent done anything. Even the other night at a party- she was there with him, and he kinda didn't give too much attention to me when she was there- and they were acting all cute which upset me- but as soon as she left, he was all cute with me, but i was mad and he noticed something was up, but when he asked numerous times- i just couldnt tell him why :( but later we ended up cuddling on the couch til 4am. he would come close to me- he would touch me, he did every gesture- i'm too shy to even lay my head on his shoulder :| uhggg. & I know that's not cheating, but i wouldn't want my boyfriend to be laying on some girls chest all night, face to face.. lol so i don't know what to do, i've always liked this kid- and seeing him with his girlfriend honestly breaks me sometimes. and when the moment was right for us to kiss or something to happen when he was single- it passed us by. our friends even try to slip it in when we're hanging out that we should have hooked up. i could feel it on his side too- but idk if i'm just looking into it more? and now i just don't know if i'm the girl on the back burner- or if it's just cause he's comfortable with me, or maybe he likes me deep deep down but knows he has a secure thing with his girlfriend and a 'idk' thing with me if we were more- so he wants to have his cake & eat it to? lol.
it's so frustrating, and i want to tell him so much, but i know thats pointless to tell him, especially now that he's in a long relationship.. they love each other, and he tells me he's happy with her- but it's just like, what are you doing with me?? i see them together- and me and him honestly act the same- just without the kissing.. it's so weird. i just don't know, maybe you can help me? people always tell me that we look like were dating, and he gives all his attention to me, and flirts soo much with me- and i know guys can flirt with anything, but idk any suggestions?
pleaseeee help :) thank youu so much!!<3.
pleaseeee help :) thank youu so much!!<3.
VictorM's advice:
He has a girlfriend whom he likes being with and gets to do the kissing and probably more sexual stuff. But with her he has obligations, responsibilities, and annoying fights. With you, he doesn't get the kissing and no sex, but he also has no commitments, no obligations, no lover's quarrels.
He's getting the best of both worlds. And that's the way it'll stay as long as no one forces him to make a choice. You're not totally happy with the situation but it's not like it impacts him. His girlfriend gives him some grief about you, but he has managed to control the situation.
I mean, from his point of view, why change anything? Life is good.
I slept with him
Submitted on Friday, October 31, 2008
By L.K., 25, from NY:
Question: Is there anything that a girl can do to salvage having sex too soon?
Basically, to keep the details to a minimum, I met this guy and we hung out for two weeks as friends. At the time I found him attractive but figured we were just friends, so I was just friendly and flirty. About a week ago he tried to hook up with me, but i said no, because I'm not interested in casual or friend with benefits and he needs to ask me out on a real date. He took his time but he did, and reassured me he liked me for me, and basically, there was alcohol involved and I slept with him (stupid, yes I know, no need to remind me of this). He's still contacted me since then (3 days now) and I've done nothing to pursue him, but the convos have been much shorter.
I don't want to start acting weird or distant now, at the same time, I'd rather be friends (if he's okay with that) without benefits.
So, in your manly opinion, even if I do a bad thing -- is there anything on my part that I can do to maintain the "relationship" or at least the friendship? Is there anything I can do that will get him interested in me again? Should I continue to act just as friendly as I did before when I see him? Should I continue to let him pursue me if he's going to do that? Maybe make myself less available online/not respond to his texts as fast?
General advice?
Thank for your help
Basically, to keep the details to a minimum, I met this guy and we hung out for two weeks as friends. At the time I found him attractive but figured we were just friends, so I was just friendly and flirty. About a week ago he tried to hook up with me, but i said no, because I'm not interested in casual or friend with benefits and he needs to ask me out on a real date. He took his time but he did, and reassured me he liked me for me, and basically, there was alcohol involved and I slept with him (stupid, yes I know, no need to remind me of this). He's still contacted me since then (3 days now) and I've done nothing to pursue him, but the convos have been much shorter.
I don't want to start acting weird or distant now, at the same time, I'd rather be friends (if he's okay with that) without benefits.
So, in your manly opinion, even if I do a bad thing -- is there anything on my part that I can do to maintain the "relationship" or at least the friendship? Is there anything I can do that will get him interested in me again? Should I continue to act just as friendly as I did before when I see him? Should I continue to let him pursue me if he's going to do that? Maybe make myself less available online/not respond to his texts as fast?
General advice?
Thank for your help
VictorM's advice:
You can't undo what's been done, but for starters you can stop acting guilty about it. You didn't do a "bad" thing. You had sex with him cause you like him. Period.
Chances are that he feels that after having sex with you, much contact implies something that maybe he's not ready for. Your best response is to talk to him as if nothing happened. This way you signal that you're not ready to force him into something he doesn't want. So, laugh, joke, talk to him as you have always done.
She still looks beautiful
Submitted on Friday, October 31, 2008
By Jenae, 16, from KS:
Hey Victor!
Thanks for answering my last question and I hope you have/had a happy Halloween.
My question today is still about Todd. See we did our mock trial and ever since I have worn my dress he acted weirder. Like on the day he came over to me and shook my hand saying "Hope you're guilty" and his handshake was limp then he quickly went over to another person saying good luck. When we were practicing the day before he was asking my "lawyer" if he got money that I would be not guilty and he told me that my "lawyer" better have the money. It was all jokingly though.
Also when I had to put on my pig mask (the trial was for the wolf who was against, me, the pig) Roy, the wolf, was like "She had to put on the mask and she still looks beautiful." but he was yelling it and to me I thought that he was trying to be hurtful. Also he said "Man, her mask is cooler then mine." I dunno if he was trying to be mean and or making fun of me and here is why.
See at the end where I was found guilty I ran off the stage (because I thought it would be funny) and my teacher got it all on tape. When I saw myself running in my tight pink dress I noticed that I had a huge ass (it was jiggling) and I had a little bit of a gut. I pretended to laught all though the thing, but actually it mortified me. I mean I didn't know that I looked like that in the dress. Maybe it was because I was on TV or something. Anyway, then when I came into my study hall my "lawyer" was saying what I did and that I ran pretty fast too. But to me it seemed liked he was laughting at what I did and not how I looked. Do you think anyone else noticed how I looked in the dress?
I mean once I put that dress on guys are different towards me. Or atleast the guys that saw me in it.
Thanks for answering my last question and I hope you have/had a happy Halloween.
My question today is still about Todd. See we did our mock trial and ever since I have worn my dress he acted weirder. Like on the day he came over to me and shook my hand saying "Hope you're guilty" and his handshake was limp then he quickly went over to another person saying good luck. When we were practicing the day before he was asking my "lawyer" if he got money that I would be not guilty and he told me that my "lawyer" better have the money. It was all jokingly though.
Also when I had to put on my pig mask (the trial was for the wolf who was against, me, the pig) Roy, the wolf, was like "She had to put on the mask and she still looks beautiful." but he was yelling it and to me I thought that he was trying to be hurtful. Also he said "Man, her mask is cooler then mine." I dunno if he was trying to be mean and or making fun of me and here is why.
See at the end where I was found guilty I ran off the stage (because I thought it would be funny) and my teacher got it all on tape. When I saw myself running in my tight pink dress I noticed that I had a huge ass (it was jiggling) and I had a little bit of a gut. I pretended to laught all though the thing, but actually it mortified me. I mean I didn't know that I looked like that in the dress. Maybe it was because I was on TV or something. Anyway, then when I came into my study hall my "lawyer" was saying what I did and that I ran pretty fast too. But to me it seemed liked he was laughting at what I did and not how I looked. Do you think anyone else noticed how I looked in the dress?
I mean once I put that dress on guys are different towards me. Or atleast the guys that saw me in it.
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea what you look like but I know that girls are much tougher on themselves than guys are. A girl in a tight pink dress is going to catch a lot of attention, in a good way. Besides, we always see ourselves much fatter on TV than we really are.
Not only does it seem that Todd likes you, but Roy sounds into you too.
(And I had a nice Halloween, even if I did nothing special, thanks).
the guy was a saint
Submitted on Friday, October 31, 2008
By sara, 40, from uk:
I will begin by telling you a little about myself, I'm a 40yr old single woman with no kids. I have had little experience in relationships as I was abused as a child but with counselling I have come to accept what happened. I have only ever had one sexual relationship in my late twenties but things didn't work out.
So to begin with my problem, which I'm sure you are sick of hearing lol.. Anyway I met a guy when i was 19 we dated for 8 months, I told him all about my past and he understood he never pressured me for sex at all in the whole 8 months, we broke up but it was mutual. We never seen each other until 6 yrs later when he wrote to me and asked could me meet up which we did, we dated again for a year and still he never pressured me for sex (the guy was a saint), but I was going through a really bad time coming to terms with my past I couldn't handle a relationship my mind was so messed up, although I really loved him I ended it. I have always regretted my decision to end the relationship because I loved him deeply I still do but it wasnt the right time. So fast forward until 2 months ago I decided to get in touch with him, I wrote him a letter asking how he was etc and to my surprise he rang me a few days later telling me that he had been trying to find me for the last 5 yrs (i had moved 150 miles away) and that he regretted us splitting up and he thought of me constantly over the years.. he seem genuinely pleased to hear from me and asked me to meet up with him. We met and caught up on what had happened in our lives, he had got married had 3 kids and divorced. It was just like old times we had a great laugh and my feelings for him hadn't changed a bit which I must admit lead me to do something I have never done before but I slept with him (well kind of) I was so nervous that it didn't work out to good, he was great about it very understanding as usual. Because we live so far away from each other and we both work we could only meet up at weekends, so all we did was phone and text each other during the week. we met up again a week later and everything was great but we didn't have sex as I was having my period. So the last time we met again everything was great we had a laugh, we ended up in bed again and the same thing happened I told him I was really sorry I was so embarrassed and he told me not to worry he put his arm around me and kissed me. The next morning things seemed fine and he kissed me goodbye and said the would txt me later which he did, but his calls and texts got less and less, I asked him if he had lost interest and to be honest with me but of course he said he hadnt that he was having a tough time with his new job and his kids, the eldest was getting into trouble which i know to be true. In some of the texts he sent me he called me sexy and said he missed me, everything seem ok until around a week ago I txt him during the day and asked if he would like to meet up again soon cos I would love to see him again, I'm still waiting on him replying to me.. I haven't rang or text him since Im really not sure what to do, I really regret going to bed with him but I thought because of our past he would have understood more than most or am I being stupid and naive. I cant believe he would treat me like this as to not even reply to me. Im truly hurt as he is the only guy who I have ever loved.
So to begin with my problem, which I'm sure you are sick of hearing lol.. Anyway I met a guy when i was 19 we dated for 8 months, I told him all about my past and he understood he never pressured me for sex at all in the whole 8 months, we broke up but it was mutual. We never seen each other until 6 yrs later when he wrote to me and asked could me meet up which we did, we dated again for a year and still he never pressured me for sex (the guy was a saint), but I was going through a really bad time coming to terms with my past I couldn't handle a relationship my mind was so messed up, although I really loved him I ended it. I have always regretted my decision to end the relationship because I loved him deeply I still do but it wasnt the right time. So fast forward until 2 months ago I decided to get in touch with him, I wrote him a letter asking how he was etc and to my surprise he rang me a few days later telling me that he had been trying to find me for the last 5 yrs (i had moved 150 miles away) and that he regretted us splitting up and he thought of me constantly over the years.. he seem genuinely pleased to hear from me and asked me to meet up with him. We met and caught up on what had happened in our lives, he had got married had 3 kids and divorced. It was just like old times we had a great laugh and my feelings for him hadn't changed a bit which I must admit lead me to do something I have never done before but I slept with him (well kind of) I was so nervous that it didn't work out to good, he was great about it very understanding as usual. Because we live so far away from each other and we both work we could only meet up at weekends, so all we did was phone and text each other during the week. we met up again a week later and everything was great but we didn't have sex as I was having my period. So the last time we met again everything was great we had a laugh, we ended up in bed again and the same thing happened I told him I was really sorry I was so embarrassed and he told me not to worry he put his arm around me and kissed me. The next morning things seemed fine and he kissed me goodbye and said the would txt me later which he did, but his calls and texts got less and less, I asked him if he had lost interest and to be honest with me but of course he said he hadnt that he was having a tough time with his new job and his kids, the eldest was getting into trouble which i know to be true. In some of the texts he sent me he called me sexy and said he missed me, everything seem ok until around a week ago I txt him during the day and asked if he would like to meet up again soon cos I would love to see him again, I'm still waiting on him replying to me.. I haven't rang or text him since Im really not sure what to do, I really regret going to bed with him but I thought because of our past he would have understood more than most or am I being stupid and naive. I cant believe he would treat me like this as to not even reply to me. Im truly hurt as he is the only guy who I have ever loved.
I would be grateful for any advice you can give me. Im not sure if I should leave it, give him some space and call him in a few weeks time as he has some stuff belonging to me, if I do meet up with him again should I apologise again for my sexual inexperience ..
VictorM's advice:
Just wait a little longer since you don't know what's really going on. A change in the frequency of contact could be a decline in interest but it could also be him simply slipping into a level of more comfortability with you (when guys feel more secure about a relationship they slow down). To know which is which, you need more time and more examples.
A long distance relationships is hard on the guy because males need physical contact. He could be coming to the realization that despite his feelings for you, the current situation simply isn't fulfilling enough. Females can run on memories and feelings, but guys need physical contact to keep things alive. If his interest his dying, don't expect him to come out and say it. Being a "saint" probably makes it even more difficult to tell you something he knows would hurt you. So forget his words. If he continues to keep you at bay, it's safe to assume he lost interest.
Apologizing for your sexual behavior fixes nothing. I'm sure he knows you're sorry. If your sexual inexperience bothers him, you saying that you're sorry makes no difference, and if it doesn't bother him, it's not necessary.
He is very funny and lighthearted
Submitted on Friday, October 31, 2008
By emma, 33, from United Kingdom:
Hi Victor, Please advise as i am very confused. When I first met this guy (through work) he mentioned about going back to France in 3 years and therefore prefer to remain single. We get on very well in conversation. He is very funny and lighthearted (he said the same of me). We enjoy each others company, i think. He emails me to chat 3 times a week. He tells me I look pretty etc. On the other hand, in his email he sometimes mentions things like - all women are beautiful, he finds so and so very pretty and then accuses me of sounding upset even when i said i'm not! I invited him to come out with some of my friends and he declined lightheartedly but when i asked to meet up he agreed. But again, had to mention that he met up with a female ex colleague the week before. Recently he cancelled our dinner due to illness and then later in the day, emailed to check if i was not upset with him. Does he like me 'that way' or not? Is he talking about other girls to tell me that he is not interested in me more than just a friend?? He has never asked for my phone number. Or is he playing games?
VictorM's advice:
He talks about other girls not because he's playing games but because he's treating you like one of the guys. You're fun to be with, funny, and pleasant.
You can never rule out things growing into romance but it doesn't sound like that's in the cards right now.
Monday, November 03, 2008
He got a lap dance
Submitted on Friday, October 31, 2008
By susie, 40, from canada:
Long Term BF went to a strip club, got a lap dance (2 actually) sat around chatting with the strippers and says it's harmless. And the logical part of my brain knows it is, but my emotional side says, altho I knew he was going beforehand and thought i'd feel indifferent, now I feel as tho he should have known better than that ... it's one thing to go and watch the show ... feel like he's gone down a level in my view of him and his choices ...
VictorM's advice:
So, he's gone down a level. So? Were you expecting him to be a perfect guy? If imperfections come in this size, that's not a terrible thing.
Besides, you seem mighty imperfect yourself. I mean, you thought before he went that it would be fine but now you want to blame him for feeling different, saying in fact, that he should have known your reaction better than you knew it yourself. Come on! That's not fair, heck, that's not even logical.
Look, you should try to give him the benefit of the doubt and view it this way: now that he knows how you feel, you should only let it bother you if it happens again. In that case, you'd have a legitimate beef.
One of the secrets for a happier life is to replace "I should have..." with "Next time I will..." Give him the chance to do the right thing, next time.
By susie, 40, from canada:
Long Term BF went to a strip club, got a lap dance (2 actually) sat around chatting with the strippers and says it's harmless. And the logical part of my brain knows it is, but my emotional side says, altho I knew he was going beforehand and thought i'd feel indifferent, now I feel as tho he should have known better than that ... it's one thing to go and watch the show ... feel like he's gone down a level in my view of him and his choices ...
VictorM's advice:
So, he's gone down a level. So? Were you expecting him to be a perfect guy? If imperfections come in this size, that's not a terrible thing.
Besides, you seem mighty imperfect yourself. I mean, you thought before he went that it would be fine but now you want to blame him for feeling different, saying in fact, that he should have known your reaction better than you knew it yourself. Come on! That's not fair, heck, that's not even logical.
Look, you should try to give him the benefit of the doubt and view it this way: now that he knows how you feel, you should only let it bother you if it happens again. In that case, you'd have a legitimate beef.
One of the secrets for a happier life is to replace "I should have..." with "Next time I will..." Give him the chance to do the right thing, next time.
He punched me in the face
Submitted on Friday, October 31, 2008
By Kit, 28, from Hong Kong:
Hi,
I am in this terrible situation and don't know how to give it a closure. Please help!
I am an expat working in HK. I met this guy about 2 years back in HK, from my country. We became very good friends and strated to meet often. Gradually, infact in just a month or so, we got into a relationship and I thought I'd never known love like this before. Then, when all was going well, about 2.5 mnths into the relationship, he told me that he was married and was undergoing his divorce case in our home country. I believed him and after much thinking I decided to stay on. It was almost 8-10 months and still no progress on the case, my family pressed me into marriage and finally I gave up. I went ahead and got enagged to another guy my family chose. But somehow, my fiance discovered about this guy and things turned sour, he became violent and physically abusive to an extent that I had to call off the marriage just 3 months before the D-day.
After this shock, I was quite lonely and this guy came back to me and supported me a lot. I gave in and we got back again. All was going smooth until last month when his parents came to stay with us for about 1.5 months. His father has no sense of what he is talking, he is way beyond interferring. I tolerated a lot, kept telling him that I didn't like the way his father talks to me & stuff, he would just politely tell him and get away with it. Finally, I decided that I didn't want to move into a family like this. Even though we are from the same country, I come from a big city and he's born and brought up in a small town and has a very conservative family. I couldn't cope with all that. I tried to reason out but without any good results. Finally, I told him one day that I am gonna look for another place and move out soon. He kept pursuing it for about a week until I finally found a place.
That evening I told him that I have found a place and will be moving out this weekend. he heard that and went bonkers. he again started emotional blackmail, I was sick of doing it regularly every day for past 20 days, my work was suffering. I tried not to speak at first, but when I couldn't take him anymore, I just told him that I am moving out because I don't love him anymore, I don't feel the same anymore. He got up, punched me in the face (all this on a public park bench) and used really abusive language and left. I sat there for some time and just decided to go back and sleep for that night. I went home straight into my room and he came again, started throwing stuff here & there. Then his parents also came out of the other room and all three of them insulted me like anything. For continuous two and a half hours, he used abusive language, called me bitch, compared me with prostitutes who change guys everyday, told me I'll have a very painful death. All this, I don't know why, only coz I told him I can't continue the relationship. I just sat there quietly listening to their crap. Next day i moved to a friends place and finally to my new place.
Since then, he's been sending me messages asking me to come back, to forget everything that happened. I am just sure I don't want this and he doesn't seem to get it. I'm trying to avoid taking his calls and replying to his messages but I am apprehensive that he may follow me to my work place.
I am really frustrated, it is just a short summary I have narrated. This has been going on for so many days, I have spent 3 nights sleeping in my office just coz I couldn't take their crap at home anymore. They just wouldn't leave me alone. His parents are leaving this weekend and I believe that once they leave he's going to trouble me all the more since he wouldn't have much to do. Please advise. I just want him to realize that whatever may happen, I just don't want this anymore.
Thanks in advance for you advice, Kit
VictorM's advice:
Man... what a horror story.
Since this guy has been violent before, you need to seek the protection of the law. I'm not familiar with the laws there, but in the US, for example, we can ask for a restraining order to keep someone at a certain distance from home and work places. Look into something similar there.
As for your personal behavior, the best thing to do is exactly what you're doing. You need to cut ou contact with him. Guys like that will demand your atention. If he can't get positive attention, he'll chose negative attention over nothing. So even if you just insult him, he'll still prefer that. You should do away with all forms of contact with him. Block his phone, filter out his emails, don't open any of his letters. No contact at all. Not for even defending yourself from his acusations. Nothing.
By Kit, 28, from Hong Kong:
Hi,
I am in this terrible situation and don't know how to give it a closure. Please help!
I am an expat working in HK. I met this guy about 2 years back in HK, from my country. We became very good friends and strated to meet often. Gradually, infact in just a month or so, we got into a relationship and I thought I'd never known love like this before. Then, when all was going well, about 2.5 mnths into the relationship, he told me that he was married and was undergoing his divorce case in our home country. I believed him and after much thinking I decided to stay on. It was almost 8-10 months and still no progress on the case, my family pressed me into marriage and finally I gave up. I went ahead and got enagged to another guy my family chose. But somehow, my fiance discovered about this guy and things turned sour, he became violent and physically abusive to an extent that I had to call off the marriage just 3 months before the D-day.
After this shock, I was quite lonely and this guy came back to me and supported me a lot. I gave in and we got back again. All was going smooth until last month when his parents came to stay with us for about 1.5 months. His father has no sense of what he is talking, he is way beyond interferring. I tolerated a lot, kept telling him that I didn't like the way his father talks to me & stuff, he would just politely tell him and get away with it. Finally, I decided that I didn't want to move into a family like this. Even though we are from the same country, I come from a big city and he's born and brought up in a small town and has a very conservative family. I couldn't cope with all that. I tried to reason out but without any good results. Finally, I told him one day that I am gonna look for another place and move out soon. He kept pursuing it for about a week until I finally found a place.
That evening I told him that I have found a place and will be moving out this weekend. he heard that and went bonkers. he again started emotional blackmail, I was sick of doing it regularly every day for past 20 days, my work was suffering. I tried not to speak at first, but when I couldn't take him anymore, I just told him that I am moving out because I don't love him anymore, I don't feel the same anymore. He got up, punched me in the face (all this on a public park bench) and used really abusive language and left. I sat there for some time and just decided to go back and sleep for that night. I went home straight into my room and he came again, started throwing stuff here & there. Then his parents also came out of the other room and all three of them insulted me like anything. For continuous two and a half hours, he used abusive language, called me bitch, compared me with prostitutes who change guys everyday, told me I'll have a very painful death. All this, I don't know why, only coz I told him I can't continue the relationship. I just sat there quietly listening to their crap. Next day i moved to a friends place and finally to my new place.
Since then, he's been sending me messages asking me to come back, to forget everything that happened. I am just sure I don't want this and he doesn't seem to get it. I'm trying to avoid taking his calls and replying to his messages but I am apprehensive that he may follow me to my work place.
I am really frustrated, it is just a short summary I have narrated. This has been going on for so many days, I have spent 3 nights sleeping in my office just coz I couldn't take their crap at home anymore. They just wouldn't leave me alone. His parents are leaving this weekend and I believe that once they leave he's going to trouble me all the more since he wouldn't have much to do. Please advise. I just want him to realize that whatever may happen, I just don't want this anymore.
Thanks in advance for you advice, Kit
VictorM's advice:
Man... what a horror story.
Since this guy has been violent before, you need to seek the protection of the law. I'm not familiar with the laws there, but in the US, for example, we can ask for a restraining order to keep someone at a certain distance from home and work places. Look into something similar there.
As for your personal behavior, the best thing to do is exactly what you're doing. You need to cut ou contact with him. Guys like that will demand your atention. If he can't get positive attention, he'll chose negative attention over nothing. So even if you just insult him, he'll still prefer that. You should do away with all forms of contact with him. Block his phone, filter out his emails, don't open any of his letters. No contact at all. Not for even defending yourself from his acusations. Nothing.
I really like him
Submitted on Thursday, October 30, 2008
By Jessie, 17, from California:
He's just a really nice guy! I've known him for 2 years but just sarted having feelings for him the past few months. We go to college together. He is a real change from most of the "bad" guys i've gone out with and he actually has a goal in life. He's a pretty romantic guy, but heres the thing: he just broke up with his girlfriend of 6 months last month. Is it too soon to make a move? He is sending me all the signs! He smiles at me, hugs me, asks me about my personal life, asks me whats wrong when i look sad, cuddles with me, and makes me laugh.I told him that i couldn't go to homecoming because i was going on a trip with my family, about 2 weeks ahead of time and he didnt have a date (so he told me) but i see pictures of him with a sophomore (we are both seniors) not dancing but at dinner with other non relationship dates. but then i over heard him saying that it was a last minute thing.then last night i thought we would watch the strangers and we could cuddle up together and he would comfort me but SHE was there. he didnt really pay attention to her but the fact that she was there hurt a bit. i know he may have been making me jealous. Then today, he ignored me sort of but then walked me back to my dorm and we talked/flirted then. Then tonight i see him talking with a different girl when he knew i was in the room (another sophomore), but I really like him and i don't know how to hint at it because its different with him. i need serious help because i feel like im obsessing with it going on this site and everything! does it sound like he likes me or not? and what do i do to go in for the kiss if he does?
VictorM's advice:
After a breakup, usually the first thing a guy wants to do is get his ego healed. One way of doing that his getting the attention of as many girls as possible.
Clearly he likes you but it's not as certain that he likes only you. In any case, you shouldn't concern yourself with any other girl now. If he's the guy you want, go for him. Waiting around isn't going to help you.
You don't have to use words. Just arrange for situations where you have his undivided attention, and spend alone time with him. You like him, just act like it. Trust me, he'll get the message.
By Jessie, 17, from California:
He's just a really nice guy! I've known him for 2 years but just sarted having feelings for him the past few months. We go to college together. He is a real change from most of the "bad" guys i've gone out with and he actually has a goal in life. He's a pretty romantic guy, but heres the thing: he just broke up with his girlfriend of 6 months last month. Is it too soon to make a move? He is sending me all the signs! He smiles at me, hugs me, asks me about my personal life, asks me whats wrong when i look sad, cuddles with me, and makes me laugh.I told him that i couldn't go to homecoming because i was going on a trip with my family, about 2 weeks ahead of time and he didnt have a date (so he told me) but i see pictures of him with a sophomore (we are both seniors) not dancing but at dinner with other non relationship dates. but then i over heard him saying that it was a last minute thing.then last night i thought we would watch the strangers and we could cuddle up together and he would comfort me but SHE was there. he didnt really pay attention to her but the fact that she was there hurt a bit. i know he may have been making me jealous. Then today, he ignored me sort of but then walked me back to my dorm and we talked/flirted then. Then tonight i see him talking with a different girl when he knew i was in the room (another sophomore), but I really like him and i don't know how to hint at it because its different with him. i need serious help because i feel like im obsessing with it going on this site and everything! does it sound like he likes me or not? and what do i do to go in for the kiss if he does?
VictorM's advice:
After a breakup, usually the first thing a guy wants to do is get his ego healed. One way of doing that his getting the attention of as many girls as possible.
Clearly he likes you but it's not as certain that he likes only you. In any case, you shouldn't concern yourself with any other girl now. If he's the guy you want, go for him. Waiting around isn't going to help you.
You don't have to use words. Just arrange for situations where you have his undivided attention, and spend alone time with him. You like him, just act like it. Trust me, he'll get the message.
He is terrified to commit
Submitted on Thursday, October 30, 2008
By Brittany, 21, from Milwaukee:
Ok my boyfriend and I have been together off and on for the past 2 years. We have so much fun together and I love being with him. However he has been open in telling me that he has a fear of commitment. I only recently told him that I loved him and he couldn't say it back because he is terrified to commit. I don't want to push him and he wants to conquer his fear of relationships but neither one of us knows how to do that. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think that "fear of commitment" is a myth that women like to believe because it makes them feel better about themselves. The truth is that he's not totally into you. Not only does it explain your on and off relationship, but it explains his unwillingness to say he loves you back.
By Brittany, 21, from Milwaukee:
Ok my boyfriend and I have been together off and on for the past 2 years. We have so much fun together and I love being with him. However he has been open in telling me that he has a fear of commitment. I only recently told him that I loved him and he couldn't say it back because he is terrified to commit. I don't want to push him and he wants to conquer his fear of relationships but neither one of us knows how to do that. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think that "fear of commitment" is a myth that women like to believe because it makes them feel better about themselves. The truth is that he's not totally into you. Not only does it explain your on and off relationship, but it explains his unwillingness to say he loves you back.
He's really angry with me
Submitted on Thursday, October 30, 2008
By Wickidgrrl, 26, from California:
My boyfriend of five years and I recently broke up. He says it's over for good this time, but I'm not sure I buy that. I went to his house last week to get some of my things and the photo of us was still on his entertainment center, only instead of propped up it was laying down. My toothbrush was in the bathroom still. All my clothes were in a pile on his bedroom floor with the rest of his, not bagged up like I expected. It's been over a month since he broke up with me. We fight and argue all the time, he really isn't the one for me..but I'm still devastated. What my question is..why the hell is he always so quick to break it off, only to get back together a few weeks later? Why should I believe this time is IT when he still had my stuff out, even the picture of US? And he's jealous of my halloween costume being sexy! He's really angry with me..he had a lot of bullsh!t issues with stuff. But I love the guy. Is this really the end? How do I get him to come around?
VictorM's advice:
You have a totally dysfunctional relationship and you're looking for rational reactions? Come on!
Pictures, clothes on the floor, getting jealous at your outfit... these things have nothing at all to do with his feelings for you; they're just reflections of his laziness and his weakness. If he was strong you'd be history a long time ago.
Is it really the end? It has been the end for years; you're just too dysfunctional to recognize it.
By Wickidgrrl, 26, from California:
My boyfriend of five years and I recently broke up. He says it's over for good this time, but I'm not sure I buy that. I went to his house last week to get some of my things and the photo of us was still on his entertainment center, only instead of propped up it was laying down. My toothbrush was in the bathroom still. All my clothes were in a pile on his bedroom floor with the rest of his, not bagged up like I expected. It's been over a month since he broke up with me. We fight and argue all the time, he really isn't the one for me..but I'm still devastated. What my question is..why the hell is he always so quick to break it off, only to get back together a few weeks later? Why should I believe this time is IT when he still had my stuff out, even the picture of US? And he's jealous of my halloween costume being sexy! He's really angry with me..he had a lot of bullsh!t issues with stuff. But I love the guy. Is this really the end? How do I get him to come around?
VictorM's advice:
You have a totally dysfunctional relationship and you're looking for rational reactions? Come on!
Pictures, clothes on the floor, getting jealous at your outfit... these things have nothing at all to do with his feelings for you; they're just reflections of his laziness and his weakness. If he was strong you'd be history a long time ago.
Is it really the end? It has been the end for years; you're just too dysfunctional to recognize it.
Without making him mad
Submitted on Thursday, October 30, 2008
By Libbi, 28, from Arizona:
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We were together for a year and a half. We have been hanging out a lot for the past 2 weeks. I want to ask him if its going anywhere. How do I do that without making him mad. I don't want to waste my time if its not going to come to anything.
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to waste your time, what do you care if he gets mad? Ask him what his intentions are. This way there is no waste of anyone's time.
What do you think happened in the last few weeks that fixes the reason for the breakup? Probably nothing, right?
Getting back together is very often just another step in completing the breakup, not an attempt at reconciliation. It's a way of easing off each other without going cold turkey.
By Libbi, 28, from Arizona:
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We were together for a year and a half. We have been hanging out a lot for the past 2 weeks. I want to ask him if its going anywhere. How do I do that without making him mad. I don't want to waste my time if its not going to come to anything.
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to waste your time, what do you care if he gets mad? Ask him what his intentions are. This way there is no waste of anyone's time.
What do you think happened in the last few weeks that fixes the reason for the breakup? Probably nothing, right?
Getting back together is very often just another step in completing the breakup, not an attempt at reconciliation. It's a way of easing off each other without going cold turkey.
We should take it slow
Submitted on Wednesday, October 29, 2008
By Sara, 21, from Albany, GA:
Hey! I have been seeing this guy casually for a few weeks now and we..well he decided we should take it slow. I agree with him, we do need to take it slow but I'm having a hard time doing that. In all my past relationships me and the guy i was dating would rush into things and it never worked out. I have never had to "take it slow" before. I'm trying to occupy my mind with things other than him and I don't want to scare him off. How do I keep him interested without freaking him out? :)
VictorM's advice:
You keep him interested by... *gulp* taking it slow. :-p
Sara, you need to find things that you enjoy doing. Hobbies that occupy your mind in a pleasant manner. This is necessary not just during the courtship phase, but beyond. It's nearly impossible to have a balanced, happy life as a coupe, if you aren't balanced and happy alone.
By Sara, 21, from Albany, GA:
Hey! I have been seeing this guy casually for a few weeks now and we..well he decided we should take it slow. I agree with him, we do need to take it slow but I'm having a hard time doing that. In all my past relationships me and the guy i was dating would rush into things and it never worked out. I have never had to "take it slow" before. I'm trying to occupy my mind with things other than him and I don't want to scare him off. How do I keep him interested without freaking him out? :)
VictorM's advice:
You keep him interested by... *gulp* taking it slow. :-p
Sara, you need to find things that you enjoy doing. Hobbies that occupy your mind in a pleasant manner. This is necessary not just during the courtship phase, but beyond. It's nearly impossible to have a balanced, happy life as a coupe, if you aren't balanced and happy alone.
We aren't getting any younger
Submitted on Wednesday, October 29, 2008
By LInda, 42, from East Coast USA:
Hello Victor! I am wondering what advice you would give to a woman who is 42, dating a 51 year old man for almost 2 years with no set commitment? There has been talk of eventually moving in together and eventually marriage but nothing set as to 'when' this 'eventually' would be. As we all know, we aren't getting any younger and time is moving along. How long is reasonalbe to lay it on the table and make it known actions speak louder than words?
ps..how I wish I could sit across from you for one hour and pick your brain..YOU are the best!
VictorM's advice:
One hour to pick my brain? What would we do for the other 45 minutes? :)
The "not getting any younger" theme works in reverse for guys. In essence, not getting any younger is less incentive to get hitched, not more. Our biological clocks aren't ticking.
I think that after 2 years you should lay your cards on the table now. Just be prepared to the possible consequences, which include him saying goodbye.
By LInda, 42, from East Coast USA:
Hello Victor! I am wondering what advice you would give to a woman who is 42, dating a 51 year old man for almost 2 years with no set commitment? There has been talk of eventually moving in together and eventually marriage but nothing set as to 'when' this 'eventually' would be. As we all know, we aren't getting any younger and time is moving along. How long is reasonalbe to lay it on the table and make it known actions speak louder than words?
ps..how I wish I could sit across from you for one hour and pick your brain..YOU are the best!
VictorM's advice:
One hour to pick my brain? What would we do for the other 45 minutes? :)
The "not getting any younger" theme works in reverse for guys. In essence, not getting any younger is less incentive to get hitched, not more. Our biological clocks aren't ticking.
I think that after 2 years you should lay your cards on the table now. Just be prepared to the possible consequences, which include him saying goodbye.
Mini rap star
Submitted on Tuesday, October 28, 2008
By ashley, 18, from ca:
Okay...I have a lot on my mind. There is this guy on my job and he is a little bit older than I am. I have been working at this job for aprox.5 months and I love it. Anyway so he is somewhat a mini rap star; he performs at clubs and met a huge amount of celebs but that's not why im attracted to him...I thought he was kinda nice and funny but as the months passed we've became more touchy and he was my first kiss. Now I still live in my parents house until my second year which is next year thank god so I still live by my parents rules -- no boys! I am secretly seeing him but I asked him if he wanted an relationship but he says he's not the relationship type due to his busy schedule. I do get jealous because he is at the club every night and there are women there...the rest is history but he told me that I was attractive, beautiful, nice woman and he knows plenty of guys who would love to be with me. I told him that I only wanted him. I don't want to seem desperate but I do like him a lot. I also asked if he was playing me he said that it wasn't his style and he's not. But I lied and told him that I was taken because he wanted to know if we could have sex but he said that I should wait if i'm not ready and that there is no pressure. I want to have sex with him but I know that I would be leaving virtue with him and what if he leaves me? I don't even know what to call this. I asked him last night if we were friends with benefits and he said yes but he needed some benefits. It's so bad where I text him every night and every morning to the point where I want to text other people I end up texting him theyre conversations. I don't know what to do. HELP?!
VictorM's advice:
Don't you see the irony in believing him that he's not playing you while you're lying to him?
Look, the guy is being very direct: he wants no relationship, he wants sex, and he's fine with friendship as long as there are benefits.
If you think anything remotely serious would come out of this, you're leaving in fantasy land.
By ashley, 18, from ca:
Okay...I have a lot on my mind. There is this guy on my job and he is a little bit older than I am. I have been working at this job for aprox.5 months and I love it. Anyway so he is somewhat a mini rap star; he performs at clubs and met a huge amount of celebs but that's not why im attracted to him...I thought he was kinda nice and funny but as the months passed we've became more touchy and he was my first kiss. Now I still live in my parents house until my second year which is next year thank god so I still live by my parents rules -- no boys! I am secretly seeing him but I asked him if he wanted an relationship but he says he's not the relationship type due to his busy schedule. I do get jealous because he is at the club every night and there are women there...the rest is history but he told me that I was attractive, beautiful, nice woman and he knows plenty of guys who would love to be with me. I told him that I only wanted him. I don't want to seem desperate but I do like him a lot. I also asked if he was playing me he said that it wasn't his style and he's not. But I lied and told him that I was taken because he wanted to know if we could have sex but he said that I should wait if i'm not ready and that there is no pressure. I want to have sex with him but I know that I would be leaving virtue with him and what if he leaves me? I don't even know what to call this. I asked him last night if we were friends with benefits and he said yes but he needed some benefits. It's so bad where I text him every night and every morning to the point where I want to text other people I end up texting him theyre conversations. I don't know what to do. HELP?!
VictorM's advice:
Don't you see the irony in believing him that he's not playing you while you're lying to him?
Look, the guy is being very direct: he wants no relationship, he wants sex, and he's fine with friendship as long as there are benefits.
If you think anything remotely serious would come out of this, you're leaving in fantasy land.
