Friday, October 31, 2008
He was nice and talkative and outgoing
Submitted on Tuesday, October 28, 2008
By jen, 19, from nyu:
so there is this guy in my college class. i am getting mixed signals. when we first met he was nice and talkative and outgoing. I showed some interest back, but not much because i am shy. Now he hardly speaks to me, or returns any contact i make. when we do speak he gets all quiet and speaks softly OR cockily. I also catch him staring at me a lot but he wont speak to me unless i do first. Now he sheepishly avoids me. i thought he liked me, Now i dont know how to tell for sure. he doesn't show it right out but his body language does. should i ignore him for a while?
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance he liked you, and maybe still like you, but most people don't like rejection, and that's probably the signs he got from you.
Ignoring him is the worst thing you can do now. It's time for you to smile, greet him nicely, and make an effort to talk to him.
If you stop sending him mixed signals, you might stop receiving mixed signals from him.
Increasingly less affectionate
Submitted on Tuesday, October 28, 2008
By Dany, 23, from BR:
Is there a reason other then cheating that a man is less affectionate toward his mate? My boyfriend of four months has become increasingly less affectionate towards me lately. We seem to only kiss when saying hello or goodbye, before bed and before being intimate. He says he is just sad because he is experiencing financial problems right now (which is somewhat true). We are together literally everyday and I spend the night at his place every night. He doesn't really do anything else to make me suspect he is cheating, except he last week he went outside to talk to a girl he used to date about a legal problem I was having. He asked if he could call her and I said sure so why did he need to go outside. THAT made me wonder! I know if I confront him about it he is just gonna say no, so can you give me my answer?
VictorM's advice:
Looking at the possibility that he's cheating sounds to me like a waste of your time. People who cheat often increase attention to their mates to make their activities less suspicious.
Financial problems are a much bigger deal to guys than to girls. A man's ego, and therefore his self-esteem and confidence, is much more likely to be hurt by financial problems than practically anything else in life (save for sexual performance problems). So, it's totally plausible that his financial situation is the major culprit for his lack of affection.
Your best bet for now is to back off him for a while. You can always initiate some light contact and show him affection, but make it just a passing thing (rubbing his shoulder, caressing his hair, etc.) and move on. Nagging him about is the absolute worst thing you can do now.
Oh, and don't bring up the phone girl. I don't know why he stepped aside, but it really shouldn't matter. Showing him that you trust him will help the situation more than putting him on the defensive. Unless you have other concrete suspicions, let this one go.
He would never call
Submitted on Tuesday, October 28, 2008
By Tabitha, 37, from Chicago:
I was briefly dating a man and he acted interested when he would see me at work, but after work he would never call. So I too acted as if it didn't matter. And then I had mentioned that it isn't nice to say your gonna call and never do, his response was "I'm well known for that." Anyway to make a long story short we went out a few times, but there just didn't seem like there was any chemistry. He never calls me and acts like he is too busy to call, but when he sees me he acts interested. I'm confused? Could it be that he has someone else that he is seeing on the side. And not to mention, we always went out on our dates either during lunch or some time after work where time can be accounted for??? Are my red flags up too much??
VictorM's advice:
Red flags? You have nothing but red flags.
You're nothing but a work hobby, someone to pass the working day and make it less dull.
It was a bad break up
Submitted on Tuesday, October 28, 2008
By UNKNOWN, 19, from SOMEWHERE:
I dated this guy for almost 2 years, and we lived with each other for almost a year. We broke up about 3 months ago, you can say it was a bad break up. I am over the brake up now, but I am not fully over him ( if that makes any sense )- anyways, he called me a few nights ago, wanting to talk to me in person. I go pick him up and we hang out-he doesn't talk to me about what he wanted to talk to me about, but we just talked about how our lives were and we just caught up with each other. I asked him the next day what he wanted to tell me thinking he couldn't tell me in person for some reason, he tells me that I was not a bad girlfriend and some other things. We have hung out almost every day since then, I am not going to talk to him until he talks to me now... I don't know if he likes me or not anymore. I will be fine if he just wants to be friends, and I will be fine if he likes me. I would just like to know if he still likes me so I don't scare him off on accident.
So any advice?? I am not talking to him until he talks to me, because one of the reasons he broke up with me was because I was too clingy, so I am trying to show him that I don't need him anymore, and that I can live without him - and that it's still cool to hang out with him.
If that made any sense. I am really confused if you can not tell. any advice would be great, but I would like guys views a little better.
peace
If that made any sense. I am really confused if you can not tell. any advice would be great, but I would like guys views a little better.
peace
VictorM's advice:
What you say about your feelings and wanting to keep a certain distance makes sense. Chances are that he feels the same way, which is, he'd be fine being friends and he'd be fine getting back together. But think about it: is that a recipe for a successful relationship, for both of you to be with someone that you can either take or leave? I don't think so.
It's possible, in fact, most likely, that you both are going through the normal process of getting over each other and doing so in small steps and over time. Instead of getting closer to each other, you'll just continue to drift further apart because you really don't have any passion for each other anymore. You're both just a habit that you need to break.
He's had the hots for me
Submitted on Tuesday, October 28, 2008
By Leigh, 27, from Georgia:
A guy told me that he's had the hots for me for 10 years. Three (3) months ago he broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years. How do I make him want a relationship with me?
VictorM's advice:
I hope you realize that having the hots for you and wanting a relationship with you are two totally different things.
He just broke up a 4 year relationship, so he may not be eager to jump into another right away. That's not to say he wouldn't want to have sex with you, but if you want something serious with him you should develop a relationship that goes beyond your looks. And above all, give him time to get the ex out of his system.
Unless he thinks of you as more than just hot, you don't stand much of a chance. For now, be friendly, compliment him from time to time, and see where it leads.
Am I wasting my time?
Submitted on Tuesday, October 28, 2008
By Angie, 28:
My boyfriend is 13 years older than me, never been married. We've been dating for over a year now and everything is going really well. We get along great we have a ton of fun and he brings out the best in me. and here it comes, BUT he has always been a little guarded of his "alone time." We usually just hang out 1 night during the week and I never sleep over, I understand that part, he has to get up early for work. But lately we have only been seeing each other on the weekends. This week I am gone Wed and Thur for work so I wanted to just hang out a little on Tue. He said no, he needed some down time and that we just saw each other on Sun and we will hang out on Fri or he says, we can hang out Tue but not on Fri and then continues to say that we don't need to hang out every dang night. Is 3 nights out of the week every night? Is he never going to want to see me more than 3 days a week? Am I wasting my time if I'm thinking that this man would ever want to get married?
VictorM's advice:
You can't say he hasn't been direct with you. Clearly, you are on different pages when it comes to expectations.
I think you know the answer to your questions but if all you're looking for is confirmation, here it goes: he likes things exactly as they are and marriage to you is not on his radar. He may want to get married some day, but not with you. That much is clear.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
He doesn't want a girlfriend
Submitted on Monday, October 27, 2008
By Sandy, 14, from California:
There's this guy I met at school who I've known for 3 months and who I really like. We are really good friends but I just realized I have feelings for him about 2 weeks ago. We have a lot in common and he thinks I'm funny and he's told me I'm cute. The problem is he's told me a couple of times that he doesn't want a girlfriend because of his last relationship. I don't really know what happened, but he says that he realized that girlfriends just make things too complicated. I know he’s being honest about that because he told me that a little before I even liked him. I don't know whether or not I should give up because he'll occasionally put his arm around me or hold my hand for about 30 seconds before letting go. I've noticed that he's really friendly to other girls (for example, hugs them and picks them up a lot), but I've never seen him as affectionate to other people as he is to me. The last thing I want to do is pressure him into a relationship if he really doesn’t want one. Am I just a friend to him or does he have feelings for me? Could you please help me?
Thank you
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
He can say all he wants that he's not looking for a girlfriend, but he doesn't control his heart. If he falls for you, all bets are off. Just stay friendly, stay cute, stay funny, and he'll eventually forget all about whatever happened before.
Cute, funny girls have magical healing powers.
Is it ever okay to get back with an ex?
Submitted on Sunday, October 26, 2008
By DJ, 23, from Texas:
Is it ever okay to get back with an ex? If so, when and under what circumstances?
VictorM's advice:
I think it's totally OK so long as you both wish to try again.
Sometimes people learn from their mistakes, or just broke up in a rush decision, and there's no point in not trying again. The other major reason for trying again is to remove any "what if" kind of thoughts from you mind. Giving him another try, even if it fails again, reinforces that you were right the first time around.
Obviously you broke up once and the world didn't end. If you try again and have to break up again, you know the world won't end. So, if you're compelled to try again, try it.
I have noticed guys looking at me
Submitted on Sunday, October 26, 2008
By Jenae, 16, from KS:
Hello Victor!
Well I did asked a question a couple of weeks ago (when you left) and it didn't get answered. But, I guess it doesn't matter.
Here is my new question: I have noticed guys looking at me (and staring) in my peripheral vision, why do they do that?
Oh, and there is this thing going on with a guy named Todd. I think he is flirting with me, but I can't really tell. On Friday we were doing the mock trial thing and he asked me how his sole looked. Then Austin started messing with the mic that was next to me and Todd was like "stop it". Finally Austin did stop and fixed the mic, but Todd redid it and one point he put it by my face (that part was kind of weird because I think he was trying to do something sexual). I know this doesn't really give you much to work with and it is more of a case where "you had to be there" to get it. Anyway thanks for reading and answering.
Well I did asked a question a couple of weeks ago (when you left) and it didn't get answered. But, I guess it doesn't matter.
Here is my new question: I have noticed guys looking at me (and staring) in my peripheral vision, why do they do that?
Oh, and there is this thing going on with a guy named Todd. I think he is flirting with me, but I can't really tell. On Friday we were doing the mock trial thing and he asked me how his sole looked. Then Austin started messing with the mic that was next to me and Todd was like "stop it". Finally Austin did stop and fixed the mic, but Todd redid it and one point he put it by my face (that part was kind of weird because I think he was trying to do something sexual). I know this doesn't really give you much to work with and it is more of a case where "you had to be there" to get it. Anyway thanks for reading and answering.
VictorM's advice:
I didn't answer one of your questions? Shame on me! I should be forced to watch the movie "W," cause two more hours of that guy would be pure torture. :-p
Guys look at you because you're hot. I can only assume that's the reason.
Todd was just being a teen boy. I wouldn't rule it out that he was flirting, but if you're hot and he was being fresh with the mic, his intentions may not be so noble. But it they were, he'd be an odd ball. :)
He never called back
Submitted on Saturday, October 25, 2008
By Marea, 21, from New York CIty:
I have been flirting with this guy for a few weeks, we hooked up once but it wasn't sex. We've made some plans to hang out and they kept falling through, and then finally he made plans for one night and when I called him, he never called back and I haven't heard from him since. What is going on in his mind?
VictorM's advice:
I've discussed recently how New York City can be brutal for girls because guys have so many options. I'm living in NYC right now and can see the abundance of females in and around the city.
It sounds to me that this guy may be juggling more than one girl at a time and makes decisions at the last minute based on who's available, according to his priority list. Sounds like you may not be at the top of that list.
One other observation about NYC: the abundance I speak of isn't limited to girls. There are a lot of guys to date. Don't limit yourself to one guy; you have lots of options too.
We tried the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing
Submitted on Saturday, October 25, 2008
By AT, 14, from IL:
I really like this guy. We tried the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing about a month ago and it didn't work out so well...obviously. I'm pretty sure he still likes me A LOT and I think we should get back together. What should I do???
VictorM's advice:
If the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing between you and him didn't work before, what makes you think that it will work this time around? On the other hand, what's the worst that could happen? You break up again, which is where you are now. So really, there's no harm in trying, I guess.
Call him and tell him you want to give it another try. That you're both older and wiser and life will be wonderful together this time around. And if he believes all that, tell him you have a bridge in Alaska for him. :)
It's been about 3 months
Submitted on Saturday, October 25, 2008
By Liza, 28, from Kansas City:
Hey Victor, thanks in advance for any advice you give. I have known this man "G" for about 6 months. He asked me out a few times, and we talk on the phone usually a few times a week. Well it's been about 3 months since we actually did anything together. He seems to still like me--but what seemed so easy for him initially-to ask me out--now seems like he is stumbling and awkward about it. He never speaks about his intentions, and we are never physical when we do see eachother, so I often wonder, does he just want to be friends? Or is he just afraid to quit calling me (we have mutual friends) despite the fact he is no longer interested? What also bothers me is that when he often calls, usually its very late in the day--nine, ten PM sometimes. Almost like he deliberately calls late so I can't suggest that we get together. When I call him earlier in the day, sometimes it seems he blows me off and says he'll call me back later. Which sometimes he doesn't even do. He seems to have a full life and he works alot of hours. I don't know if his busy life may explain his apparent lack of interest? Other times we spend 2, 3 hours on the phone and it seems we get along so great. When I got frustrated with him a few weeks ago and acted a bit cold toward him, he told me how upset he had gotten thinking he had offended me. I told him then that I don't know his intentions, but that I really like him. He said he liked me too, but I wasn't sure how enthused he was when he said it. He said he had been told by other women in the past he is a bad communicator. Well what gives? The behavior has not changed since our talk. Is he disinterested or just incapable of having a solid relationship? I would hate to tell him to go away--I think there is real potential here. But at times I get so frustrated I could scream.
VictorM's advice:
He could very well be over you but still talk from time to time so he's not the one to break things off with you and come across as the bad guy to you and your mutual friends. It's not uncommon at all for guys to maintain this behavior hoping that you're the one that break off with him. Also, he may very well just enjoy talking from time to time with you but not be interested in more.
Come on, let's face it. Three months without doing something together, calling you very late and sometimes not at all... these are clear signs that there is no potential. You're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
I submitted my question twice
Submitted on Saturday, October 25, 2008
By K, 14:
oops victorm, i submitted my question twice. please disregard the second one. thanks :)
VictorM's comment:
haha I noticed. A question as long as yours was not easy to overlook, specially when I saw it twice. I felt bad you had to type it twice. Anyway, I hope I answered your questions in a helpful manner.
I always catch looking at me
Submitted on Friday, October 24, 2008
By Candace, 18, from Chico:
So at school there is this boy that I always catch looking at me. We always make weird eye contact with each other and make effort to sit by each other. I just don't know if he is shy or what but I've never really have felt a weird connection with someone that I have never talked to. Should I make the first move or just forget about it? Just confused.
VictorM's advice:
Don't forget about it. Greet him nicely. Smile a lot. And if you feel like it, make the first move. But keep it friendly. Don't go heavy on the boy cause you might just scare him away.
The worst thing you can do is do nothing. So do or say something.
I met this guy 3 months ago at the bar
Submitted on Friday, October 24, 2008
By karla, 26, from maryland:
I met this guy 3 months ago at the bar (he's the bartender). well he gave me his number and he told me that he wanted me, i didn't have sex with him right away, i had sex with him like the 3rd time i saw him, well, we been having sex every nite that i go to his bar, and when i don't go, he texts asking me to go over his house. we have never been out, it's just sex, he was very honest telling me that he still loves his kids' mother, they been separated for 1 year, but he wants to go back to her, so he told me that he didn't want a relationship, he just wanted somebody to chill with and have sex of course... but he doesn't call me, we only text, and like a month ago he told me that we couldn't talk anymore because it's not right what he's doing, so i stopped talking to him, and a week after that i went to his bar, and he saw me and gave me free drinks and sent me a text asking me to take him home and to spend the night. so i said yes, and we had sex...... so we been having sex, but 1 ago he texted me telling me that he's going back to his ex so that we have to end our communication... so i haven't talk to him since then. what's going on with that guy?
VictorM's advice:
He's going back to his wife, as he had indicated to you all along. Sounds like until the plan to go back was finalized he still wanted to fit you in for a few more sex sessions.
Bartenders... they sure know how to pick them. :)
Monday, October 27, 2008
He asked for my phone number
Submitted on Friday, October 24, 2008
By maria, 28, from jacksonville:
I met this guy at a bank and he asked for my phone number. We went out twice. He told me that he liked me. He was giving me mixed signals. One day he told me that I was calling him too much and that he felt pressured. After that day I decided not to call him. He called me on my birthday, which is also his birthday, and left a message on my voicemail (he called around 6:30 a.m). I textmessaged him wishing him a good birthday. He called me like a month later and I did not return the call. He now keeps calling me from another girl's cell. Why would a man that told me that I was pressuring him, keeps calling me?
VictorM's advice:
I don't understand the business about him calling from another girl's cell phone. (I'm curious how you know that). But anyway, he said he liked you, I suppose that's the reason he's still calling you.
He had asked you to back off calling him, which sounds like a fair request to make. There is a middle ground between calling too much and not calling at all. Sounds like he'd be open to something in that middle ground, you have chosen the other extreme.
We both love and play sports
Submitted on Friday, October 24, 2008
By T, 36, from middletowne:
I met a man through a mutual friend. We clicked right off the bat. We both love and play sports and in conversation I mentioned that my team was short of men. He offered to come out and help. He called the next two days to make sure I still wanted him to come play. We met later to watch a ball game, hand holding, kissing, calling me babe etc... We were supposed to meet again 2 days later. I texted him and told him I'd be there around 7. No call and no show... any advice?
VictorM's advice:
For now, give him the benefit of the doubt and make sure that he's not dead or that his dog ate his phone.
Should I tell him how I feel?
Submitted on Friday, October 24, 2008
By mel, 15, from uk:
i realy like this guy, i have known him for ages about 2 or 3 years and we are quite close mates but he is in the year below. my mates say he likes me back but he has a girlfriend and i don't know if i should tell him how i feel or if i should keep our friendship although all my mates say he will still be my mate if a tell him, he ain't going to hate me as he ain't like that. please help me!!!
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him how you feel. You have nothing to gain by it as he has a girlfriend. He'll just get cocky around you. Stay friendly for now and see what happens.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
On the brink of breaking up with him
Submitted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008
By Nikki, 23, from Louisiana:
I've only been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I'm on the brink of breaking up with him! He always feels the need to remind me of what he has done for me or paid for. We had a huge argument once because I asked for $10. He asked for it back the next day! I felt that was so ridiculous because it was $10 and I've given him money so many times and never asked for it back. I feel that since we are in a relationship we are suppose to help each other out without expecting something in return. Another example of this is today. I just lost my job 2 days ago (I was a waitress so my money comes from tips) and I need to pay my insurance tomorrow. I knew he was getting paid today so I asked for some money for my insurance (not even the whole amount). He told me no at first but 10 minutes later said he would give it to me but I'd have to pay him back. I told him nevermind because I don't know when I'll have the money to pay him back. He got upset and is now sitting in the other room playing video games! Am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not overreacting. I think you're under-reacting. I would set his damn video games on fire (not that I'm suggesting arson).
Some people are just assholes. If you don't learn to purge them from your life, unhappiness will follow you. Your boyfriend is not a good match for you. Make him your ex. Soon.
Let me know when you ditch him so we can throw you a party. :)
Should I ask him for his number?
Submitted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008
By Noelle, 19, from MD:
There is this guy that I met this summer through a function at my old church, and i didnt see him until this past friday at a church function there. After I saw him he somehow found me on facebook and friend-requested me. Is it ok for me to invite him to a function at my new church, because otherwhise I probably won't see him again for a while? Also, how do I develop this friendship if we don't go to the same church and don't talk currently except through facebook? Should I ask him for his number?
VictorM's advice:
When the alternative is loss of contact with someone you're interested in, the answer then is do or say anything. Invite him to the church event and ask for his number. Either action stands a better chance than doing nothing.
I have no clue when it comes to boys
Submitted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008
By sara, 25, from seattle:
Hi,
I have no clue when it comes to boys so I need help!
I met a guy at a party a month ago and we seemed to hit it off but he didnt ask me for my number, he seemed liked the nerdy shy type. But I didnt think much of it...
Then this weekend I went to another party and I saw him and said Hi, and he actually remembered my name (Even though I didnt remember his) and had a good conversation. Again he didnt ask for my number.
But to my surprise, asked the girl I went to the party with for my number instead of me directly.
So he called me last night, but didnt ask me out...I even asked whats up, what can I do for you, etc.
But he just said he wanted to know how I was doing.
What does that mean, so is he going to call back and ask me out?
I'm confused.
I met a guy at a party a month ago and we seemed to hit it off but he didnt ask me for my number, he seemed liked the nerdy shy type. But I didnt think much of it...
Then this weekend I went to another party and I saw him and said Hi, and he actually remembered my name (Even though I didnt remember his) and had a good conversation. Again he didnt ask for my number.
But to my surprise, asked the girl I went to the party with for my number instead of me directly.
So he called me last night, but didnt ask me out...I even asked whats up, what can I do for you, etc.
But he just said he wanted to know how I was doing.
What does that mean, so is he going to call back and ask me out?
I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
Expect a few exploratory-only phone calls before he asks you out. It's quite common.
When to call the man you're dating
Submitted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008
By Maria, 36, from Chicago:
Hello Victor M,
I really want a man's perspective on that, not women and girlfriends', but how do you know when to call the man you're dating when he's travelling on business? I know he's tied up with a very busy schedule and I don't want to either sound desperate or clingy or disturb him, or sent him a long lists of sms' because I know his work is important to him and I do want to show that I understand this... We've been dating for a month and this is what I consider a relationship in a very early stage of formation and things are going really great and I think he is absolutely wonderful in all apsects. He clearly is into me (I think so at least?) because he happily takes my hand in public and at the table and gives long kisses and hugs both inside and outside our respective homes, and has always called when he said he would and is always puntual when we meet. But now it's approaching 36 hours since I've hear from him, even though he is travlling, and I don't either want to pretend that I don't care, so should I call him? Do men really want to do all the pursuation or do men also like to be pursued?
Thanks in advance, I enjoy reading your comments here.
Maria
I really want a man's perspective on that, not women and girlfriends', but how do you know when to call the man you're dating when he's travelling on business? I know he's tied up with a very busy schedule and I don't want to either sound desperate or clingy or disturb him, or sent him a long lists of sms' because I know his work is important to him and I do want to show that I understand this... We've been dating for a month and this is what I consider a relationship in a very early stage of formation and things are going really great and I think he is absolutely wonderful in all apsects. He clearly is into me (I think so at least?) because he happily takes my hand in public and at the table and gives long kisses and hugs both inside and outside our respective homes, and has always called when he said he would and is always puntual when we meet. But now it's approaching 36 hours since I've hear from him, even though he is travlling, and I don't either want to pretend that I don't care, so should I call him? Do men really want to do all the pursuation or do men also like to be pursued?
Thanks in advance, I enjoy reading your comments here.
Maria
VictorM's advice:
I don't think we can generalize something like this. Some guys may like lots of contact but I think it's best to go about it based on the individual. If he goes 36 hours without contacting you when in other instances he has been punctual, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt that this is a reasonable time frame for him. But of course, we need to consider your desires as well. And so, the dance for balance begins.
What I would say is the frequency is not what usually causes problems. More often than not, it's the tone of the messages. Now, if you were to send him a message that says: "I haven't heard from you in 36 hours. the the hell is going on?" you have the makings of failed communications. But if you need some contact more often than he does, do so with a positive spin, not in a scolding tone. Something like: "I'm thinking of you. Can't wait to see you again. Let me know how things are going" you are much more likely to succeed in getting a response.
But be aware of this: for better or worse, it is not at all uncommon for guys to have a different perception of elapsed time between such communications than females do. Many females think they can chisel their needs into a guys head. A heavy handed approach most often will fail. You can train a guy to be more in tune with your clock, but your chances improve if you do it by accepting that the reason guys are more aloof is a basic construct of nature than him just not caring. And so train him with kindness and rewards... just like you train a puppy. :)
Retrograde ejaculation
Submitted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008
By Che, 32, from Manila:
I've been in a new relationship with a very decent and responsible guy.. we shared a lot of things about family and life.. It was somehow special until we had a sex and i found out that he has a problem "retrograde ejaculation" and upon seeing him in this situation made him lose all ties and connection with me instantly.. I dont know what is the right word to say, how can i tell him that we both can deal with this problem instead of him avoiding me... my phone calls, emails, messages.. shall i just let go of him and save his pride...
VictorM's advice:
I'm not so sure the retrograde ejaculation is what's keeping him away from you know. I mean, he had enough courage to have sex with you, so clearly hat was not preventing him from even trying.
I think it's more likely that he simply has lost interest in you. If you check my archives you'll find tons of questions related to guys disappearing after the first sex session. This phenomenon is not exclusive to guys with retrograde erections; it's a common event in the outcome of early relationships.
NSA sex
Submitted on Wednesday, October 22, 2008
By Cristina, 33, from South Carolina:
Mr. NSA is back. I used a fake name, so not sure if you remember my previous question. This is a guy who was super attentive at first and then the tables turned and I was chasing him. He claimed to have a lot going on, which he does, and that he could only realistically offer me friendship and NSA sex. Well, things continued for a bit after my post until I finally got fed up with his BS and ended it. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks. Then he called me out of the blue. He has been calling me all week since then and we have seen each other. His initial reasons for not having much time for me are still around and he continues to maintain it's a timing issue. He says he can not manage a serious relationship right now, but enjoys my company (and the sex) and would like to still see me when he can. Keep in mind, I live in another city and he has to go out of his way to see me. One of my friends says he isn't just about the sex because he could find that close to home. What's he up to then? We really do have a lot of common, a close connection and loads of chemistry.
VictorM's advice:
(For those who may not know, NSA = No Strings Attached)
One of your friends is very naive. It is all about sex.
Sex with a local girl brings with it all the complications of her wanting more than sex and possibly finding out that he has more than one local girl. Being able to drive to a distant town, poking you, and then driving back to the safety and calm of his distant city is a very desirable situation.
Can I trust a married man who says he loves me?
Submitted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008
By Brigit, 40, from Canada:
Question: Can I trust a married man who says he loves me?
I REALLY need your male perspective on this.
I REALLY need your male perspective on this.
I recently started having an affair with a married man when he was over visiting from another country. (Now before you brand me a whore, I have NEVER does anything this before and in fact, haven't been with any man since I broke up with my last boyfriend several years ago.) Both quite magically we both fell into it very unexpectedly and by both of our admissions, had four of the most wonderful days of our lives. Since he left a month ago, he has written me daily, called me weekly, saying how much I mean to him, how much he loves me and that he can't wait to see me again. He even cried the night we parted and has welled up a couple times on the phone when we go to say goodbye. And yet, he has also said he has never been unfaithful before, can't leave his family and loves his wife, often on the heels of making reference to the incredible bond and connection we feel and 'prays' for the day when we can get together again soon.
However, when I have suggested more than once my visiting his country next year or even us meeting in another more neutral location, I find his responses lukewarm - using words like 'maybe', 'possibly' and 'one day.' And yet he constantly peppers his emails with words like "I can't bear to lose you" "I am yours forever" and "I can't wait to see you again."
So I am confused. If there is no future for us as a couple and he isn't jumping at a chance to meet, what does he want from me? I would have assumed this guy is a Class A player but then why write, why call if all he was out for was sex - which he could certainly get a heckuva lot closer to home. And with 8 hours flying time between us, I can't imagine he's lying about everything he has said when he isn't even guaranteed we will even see each other again.
So I guess I am wondering (a) if he really means what he says in regards to me and (b) what he wants from me?
VictorM's advice:
I'll answer your first question with a question: can his wife trust him when he says he loves her? I can understand him loving more than one woman, but he fails in the trust area. You can trust him as much as his wife can trust him.
It's possible that he feels love for you. Of course it is. But he's not willing to disrupt his life over you. That much is clear. He may want nothing more from you than to know that there is someone else out in the world to whom he means something special.
You seem to be under the illusion that there is a future, but frankly, all you have is a past. And even if you meet him again, soon after you'll still only share a past.
I had gained nearly 100 lbs
Submitted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Guys generally rate girls into two categories: girls I'd fuck and girls I wouldn't. It's that simple. So chubby or not, if you're fuckable, you're in.
As long as you feel sexy, many guys will find you appealing. If you're insecure, whether you're thin or not, fewer guys will find you appealing.
Trust me on this: guys are a lot more forgiving about a girl's looks than the beauty magazines you read and the female friends you talk to about this topic.
By Snowy, 25, from Washington:
I was in class (and by class I mean college) with a guy for 2 years. We took a lot of the same courses. I really liked him but we only talked when we had group work. I used to be way more outgoing and flirtatious and I always had male attention but over the past 4 years I had gained nearly 100 lbs. I know that weight is not attractive to men and I know why I didn't have confidence to talk or flirt with him like I would have a few years ago. Here is my question, I have lost over 100 lbs since I have seen him in class, 1 year ago. Would he be interested in me? This isn't based on my personality or anything but really I want to know is it possible for a guy to find a woman attractive that he used to know as fat? I am pretty and have always had a pretty face, it was the body that wasn't too great. Your input (honest as it may be) would be appreciated. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I just recently answered a similar question. Here's what I said:
Guys generally rate girls into two categories: girls I'd fuck and girls I wouldn't. It's that simple. So chubby or not, if you're fuckable, you're in.
As long as you feel sexy, many guys will find you appealing. If you're insecure, whether you're thin or not, fewer guys will find you appealing.
Trust me on this: guys are a lot more forgiving about a girl's looks than the beauty magazines you read and the female friends you talk to about this topic.
How can you tell if a guy is a player?
Submitted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008
By Megan, 31, from Boston, MA:
How can you tell if a guy is a player? How should a lady handle players and beat them at their own game?
VictorM's advice:
Don't try to beat them at their own game. When you recognize that a guy isn't into you for honest reasons, just move on. It'll save you a lot of energy.
Trying to identify a guy as a player insinuates that you can get into his heads and read his mind. You simply can't do that. Instead, focus on whether a guy is giving you the respect and attention you feel is right. If he's not, make it clear what your intentions are. If he still doesn't respond, move on.
How great everything was
Submitted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008
By emily, 23, from new york:
I met a guy a few weeks ago, he had just came out of a long term relationship a month ago. we got on great and he told me he's never gotten on so well so fast with anyone, we would talk for hours and not realise. he told me not to worry as he hadn't been this happy in along time so i stopped worrying it was too soon. after our last date he told me he didnt think he was ready and it wasnt fair on us to keep dating (he had an arguement with his ex before we went on our date) now when i talk to him hes not as chatty as he used to be and plays it cool. this has really confused me as we both said how great everything was.
VictorM's advice:
Everything WAS great. Past tense. Things change. He's not into you as much, if at all, anymore. That's just the way dating work.
A sober movie night
Submitted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008
By kdlf, 18, from LA:
ok so, i'm a freshman at college and coming around to the middle of my first semester. well, there's this guy and i really want to know if he likes me. i need opinions. so here's my story:
ok so over summer orientation i met this kid. we became friends and i thought he was super cute. when we got to school, after like the 2nd week in, i hung out with him and we went back to his dorm and made out. His roommate, Troy, walked drunk and then i decided to go back home. After that incident, I never really talked to that guy. i found out he was an asshole because he was pissed when i wouldn't have sex with him. anyways, later i began to realize i had a crush on Troy. but i had never really talked to him. then one night at a party i decided to tell him. He answered talking about a time that he apparently was hitting on me. but then i had to leave. but i gave him my number and he texted me later. Then one night he called and asked to have a sober movie night with me, and we did but my weird roommate wouldnt leave the room and we couldnt go in his because it would have been awk with his roommate and all. we kissed and everything seemed great. he kept asking me about what happened with his roommate and why i thought he was an asshole. but the whole next week he didnt really talk to me and answered my texts to the simplist forms. then i get a call on friday with him apologizing saying he was cram packed with work. and i went out with him that night. he's really weird though, he wouldn't just follow around me the whole night he'd go and talk to random people then meet up with me continuously. but at the same time would kiss me every once in awhile. my friend, which im kind of mad about for doing this, went up to him and said if you break her heart i will castrate you. she said he smiled and said he wouldnt. his roommate was out of town that night so we went back to his place and made out the whole night, he didn't even really try anything more (which could be because i told him his roommate was an asshole for trying) and i slept over, i woke up the next morning and went back to my place. we talked for a second on messenger the next morning but really just laughing about somehting that had happened the night before. that night i texted him asking what he was doing. he said he was going to some party of campus, i told him i was going to one on campus, i also asked what he was doing after. he didnt reply. then next thing i know hes at the party. he came over and said hey but then went to chill with his friends. i saw a girl all over him but he didnt do anything with her. that night for the theme of the party i had gotten my gay friend to give me a hickey (he possibly could have seen it and gotten mad but idk because he never did text me back) it's been a day but it is back in the week and i know i have a lot of work this week so he probably does too. hes not much of a texter, so i think it'd be awkward to text him during the week. what do i do? when do i do it? i need advice. what do you think, does he like me???
ok so over summer orientation i met this kid. we became friends and i thought he was super cute. when we got to school, after like the 2nd week in, i hung out with him and we went back to his dorm and made out. His roommate, Troy, walked drunk and then i decided to go back home. After that incident, I never really talked to that guy. i found out he was an asshole because he was pissed when i wouldn't have sex with him. anyways, later i began to realize i had a crush on Troy. but i had never really talked to him. then one night at a party i decided to tell him. He answered talking about a time that he apparently was hitting on me. but then i had to leave. but i gave him my number and he texted me later. Then one night he called and asked to have a sober movie night with me, and we did but my weird roommate wouldnt leave the room and we couldnt go in his because it would have been awk with his roommate and all. we kissed and everything seemed great. he kept asking me about what happened with his roommate and why i thought he was an asshole. but the whole next week he didnt really talk to me and answered my texts to the simplist forms. then i get a call on friday with him apologizing saying he was cram packed with work. and i went out with him that night. he's really weird though, he wouldn't just follow around me the whole night he'd go and talk to random people then meet up with me continuously. but at the same time would kiss me every once in awhile. my friend, which im kind of mad about for doing this, went up to him and said if you break her heart i will castrate you. she said he smiled and said he wouldnt. his roommate was out of town that night so we went back to his place and made out the whole night, he didn't even really try anything more (which could be because i told him his roommate was an asshole for trying) and i slept over, i woke up the next morning and went back to my place. we talked for a second on messenger the next morning but really just laughing about somehting that had happened the night before. that night i texted him asking what he was doing. he said he was going to some party of campus, i told him i was going to one on campus, i also asked what he was doing after. he didnt reply. then next thing i know hes at the party. he came over and said hey but then went to chill with his friends. i saw a girl all over him but he didnt do anything with her. that night for the theme of the party i had gotten my gay friend to give me a hickey (he possibly could have seen it and gotten mad but idk because he never did text me back) it's been a day but it is back in the week and i know i have a lot of work this week so he probably does too. hes not much of a texter, so i think it'd be awkward to text him during the week. what do i do? when do i do it? i need advice. what do you think, does he like me???
VictorM's advice:
Text him. Just don't make much out of it if he doesn't respond too quickly.
Of course he likes you, the way most guys like a college freshman who makes out all night.
Does he like you beyond that? I wouldn't know, and you won't know either until you two spend more time together.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Chubby girls
Submitted on Monday, October 20, 2008
By Allie, 18, from Chicago:
Are "chubby girls" always the chubby girl to guys even after the girl loses weight? Or, do guys see them as a pretty girl they could possibly date?
I've been overweight for most of high school and have recently lost a lot of weight...I only have a little bit further to go. Could a guy who sees me as just a friend be able to see me as a potential date if I look healthy thin like other girls?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're over thinking this. Guys just don't put that much effort into it. Guys generally rate girls into two categories: girls I'd fuck and girls I wouldn't. It's that simple. So chubby or not, if you're fuckable, you're in.
As long as you feel sexy, many guys will find you appealing. If you're insecure, whether you're thin or not, fewer guys will find you appealing.
Trust me on this: guys are a lot more forgiving about a girl's looks than the beauty magazines you read and the female friends you talk to about this topic.
By Allie, 18, from Chicago:
Are "chubby girls" always the chubby girl to guys even after the girl loses weight? Or, do guys see them as a pretty girl they could possibly date?
I've been overweight for most of high school and have recently lost a lot of weight...I only have a little bit further to go. Could a guy who sees me as just a friend be able to see me as a potential date if I look healthy thin like other girls?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're over thinking this. Guys just don't put that much effort into it. Guys generally rate girls into two categories: girls I'd fuck and girls I wouldn't. It's that simple. So chubby or not, if you're fuckable, you're in.
As long as you feel sexy, many guys will find you appealing. If you're insecure, whether you're thin or not, fewer guys will find you appealing.
Trust me on this: guys are a lot more forgiving about a girl's looks than the beauty magazines you read and the female friends you talk to about this topic.
Animal porn
Submitted on Sunday, October 19, 2008
By leslie, 22, from mass:
My boyfriend likes animal porn, like girls being raped by animals and animals having sex and usually I'm open minded with all things but I'm disgusted and can't get it out of my head. what do i do?
VictorM's advice:
Often, these types of perverse fantasies are just a reflection of a vivid imagination, not a reflection of some abnormality. You'd be surprised how many "normal" guys fantasize, or least will watch, some very perverse fetishes. For some, the appeal is only because it's so forbidden by society. Guys generally have a higher tolerance for such things and a higher degree of curiosity.
Does watching bestiality porn make him a degenerate? No. But ultimately, if there is a disparity between your values and his, you have a problem. It is incumbent upon him to address your concerns. So talk to him with a predisposition to understand before you judge.
By leslie, 22, from mass:
My boyfriend likes animal porn, like girls being raped by animals and animals having sex and usually I'm open minded with all things but I'm disgusted and can't get it out of my head. what do i do?
VictorM's advice:
Often, these types of perverse fantasies are just a reflection of a vivid imagination, not a reflection of some abnormality. You'd be surprised how many "normal" guys fantasize, or least will watch, some very perverse fetishes. For some, the appeal is only because it's so forbidden by society. Guys generally have a higher tolerance for such things and a higher degree of curiosity.
Does watching bestiality porn make him a degenerate? No. But ultimately, if there is a disparity between your values and his, you have a problem. It is incumbent upon him to address your concerns. So talk to him with a predisposition to understand before you judge.
Without freaking him out?
Submitted on Sunday, October 19, 2008
By Wendy, 21, from Green Bay, WI:
How do you let a guy know you want something more than a sexual relationship without freaking him out?
VictorM's advice:
He'll only freak out if a sexual relationship is all he wants, otherwise, it should be fine to bring it up.
By Wendy, 21, from Green Bay, WI:
How do you let a guy know you want something more than a sexual relationship without freaking him out?
VictorM's advice:
He'll only freak out if a sexual relationship is all he wants, otherwise, it should be fine to bring it up.
He holds his gaze for what feels like a long time
Submitted on Sunday, October 19, 2008
By K, 14:
I only have art class with the guy I like, but I look forward to it every day. I feel like we’ve already sort of made a connection, like I’ll catch him looking at me and when I stare back, he holds his gaze for what feels like a long time. K also teases me occasionally, in a really gentle, playful way. Whenever I’m selling candy for my team he always buys a piece, even if he has to scrape together change (which he actually has done a couple times). But that might not mean anything except that he likes candy a lot. He’s really shy and pretty quiet. I’ve heard that he’s a sweet talker to girls he’s not interested, so does his quietness mean he’s interested? I’m pretty friendly with his friends in the class, and I find it really easy to talk to all of them, but when I try to think of something to say to him, my mind goes completely blank. I also want to ask him for his number, but again, talking to him is really tough for me. This never happens to me. When I like a guy, the one thing I’m really good at is flirting with him without losing my cool. With K though, I can’t think of a word to say to him. How do I flirt with him? What can I try talking to him about? Do you have any ideas of how to test whether or not he’s interested in me? How do I ask him for his number?
Also, one of his friends in the class, M, and I have become rather friendly, and it feels like he flirts with me a LOT. He’ll listen in on my conversations with my buds and then tease me, he makes funny faces behind my friends when they’re talking, sort of like we’re in on our own inside joke, and on Friday I had my iPod out on the table and he came and sat on my table and picked it up and started scrolling through it and commenting and stuff. It seems like everything he says to me is an effort to try to entertain me and make me laugh. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend. And she’s a friend of mine. I’m not interested at all in the guy, and just treat him as a friend; I just can’t tell if his actions are friendly or if he’s trying to be flirty. Is he flirting with me or just putting in an effort to be friends with me since I’m friends with him girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
You signed this submission as K and you'r asking about a guy that you call K. Right? My head hurts. :)
Anyway... getting tongue tied sounds like an indication that you both like each other. But asking him for his number is not a good idea. You're better off trying to get friendlier with him and working things so that he's the one asking for your number.
I have no idea what his interests are. That is the first thing you need to find out. Does he love video games, sports, poetry, music, etc? Shouldn't be too diffucult to ask him or one of his friends. Once you know, ask him open ended questions about that topic. Meanwhile, greet him with a smile and use his name: "Hi, K" [big smile], compliment him on little things, and you'll have him eating out of your hands.
As for the second guy... guys never just want to be friends with a pretty girl. If he's getting too close, put the brakes on it before you lose a friend.
By K, 14:
I only have art class with the guy I like, but I look forward to it every day. I feel like we’ve already sort of made a connection, like I’ll catch him looking at me and when I stare back, he holds his gaze for what feels like a long time. K also teases me occasionally, in a really gentle, playful way. Whenever I’m selling candy for my team he always buys a piece, even if he has to scrape together change (which he actually has done a couple times). But that might not mean anything except that he likes candy a lot. He’s really shy and pretty quiet. I’ve heard that he’s a sweet talker to girls he’s not interested, so does his quietness mean he’s interested? I’m pretty friendly with his friends in the class, and I find it really easy to talk to all of them, but when I try to think of something to say to him, my mind goes completely blank. I also want to ask him for his number, but again, talking to him is really tough for me. This never happens to me. When I like a guy, the one thing I’m really good at is flirting with him without losing my cool. With K though, I can’t think of a word to say to him. How do I flirt with him? What can I try talking to him about? Do you have any ideas of how to test whether or not he’s interested in me? How do I ask him for his number?
Also, one of his friends in the class, M, and I have become rather friendly, and it feels like he flirts with me a LOT. He’ll listen in on my conversations with my buds and then tease me, he makes funny faces behind my friends when they’re talking, sort of like we’re in on our own inside joke, and on Friday I had my iPod out on the table and he came and sat on my table and picked it up and started scrolling through it and commenting and stuff. It seems like everything he says to me is an effort to try to entertain me and make me laugh. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend. And she’s a friend of mine. I’m not interested at all in the guy, and just treat him as a friend; I just can’t tell if his actions are friendly or if he’s trying to be flirty. Is he flirting with me or just putting in an effort to be friends with me since I’m friends with him girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
You signed this submission as K and you'r asking about a guy that you call K. Right? My head hurts. :)
Anyway... getting tongue tied sounds like an indication that you both like each other. But asking him for his number is not a good idea. You're better off trying to get friendlier with him and working things so that he's the one asking for your number.
I have no idea what his interests are. That is the first thing you need to find out. Does he love video games, sports, poetry, music, etc? Shouldn't be too diffucult to ask him or one of his friends. Once you know, ask him open ended questions about that topic. Meanwhile, greet him with a smile and use his name: "Hi, K" [big smile], compliment him on little things, and you'll have him eating out of your hands.
As for the second guy... guys never just want to be friends with a pretty girl. If he's getting too close, put the brakes on it before you lose a friend.
Two girls kind of fighing over his attention
Submitted on Sunday, October 19, 2008
By lisa, 25:
Hi again, so I recently wrote you an entry called "is it a bull line?" Thanks for your advice by the way, I completely agree with you. I'm just still trying to understand what he is doing. We are good friends, however he has another friend that I know likes him but nothing has ever come of it because she is in a serious relationship. I think she just likes the attention he gives her. He talks to me about her being annoying all the time, and I'm now wondering if he is doing the same with her. I'm wondering if he likes the idea of having two girls kind of fighing over his attention. So I decided to back off. By doing so, I stopped calling him and texting him and figured that he knows how to reach me. Now every now and then he will text me with, Hey or Hi and when I text back with the same reply I get nothing back. What's the point of that? Does he just want to maintain contact? Does he want me thinking about him? Is a friendship like that even worth it? Thanks for your help victor!
VictorM's advice:
Wonder no more -- of course he likes the idea of two girls paying him attention.
As to whether his friendship is worth anything to you, only you can decide, but him, he's got nothing to lose. His ego loves knowing that you like him, so he'll seek you out when he needs an ego boost. That's the point of the contact.
By lisa, 25:
Hi again, so I recently wrote you an entry called "is it a bull line?" Thanks for your advice by the way, I completely agree with you. I'm just still trying to understand what he is doing. We are good friends, however he has another friend that I know likes him but nothing has ever come of it because she is in a serious relationship. I think she just likes the attention he gives her. He talks to me about her being annoying all the time, and I'm now wondering if he is doing the same with her. I'm wondering if he likes the idea of having two girls kind of fighing over his attention. So I decided to back off. By doing so, I stopped calling him and texting him and figured that he knows how to reach me. Now every now and then he will text me with, Hey or Hi and when I text back with the same reply I get nothing back. What's the point of that? Does he just want to maintain contact? Does he want me thinking about him? Is a friendship like that even worth it? Thanks for your help victor!
VictorM's advice:
Wonder no more -- of course he likes the idea of two girls paying him attention.
As to whether his friendship is worth anything to you, only you can decide, but him, he's got nothing to lose. His ego loves knowing that you like him, so he'll seek you out when he needs an ego boost. That's the point of the contact.
She's slept in his bed for the last 2 weeks
Submitted on Saturday, October 18, 2008
By Bria, 18, from Florida:
ok my boyfriends name is John and we've been together for 4 1/2 months ive never felt this way about any guy in my life he's amazing. I'm his first girlfriend. ok well down to the point.
about our 2nd month in i found out he cheated on me with another girl but it wasn't anything really just a kiss and of course i was hurt but we talked and so far that was the end of it. But then the girl, who is already his friend, gets kicked out of her home and asks to stay at his apartment if she pays him 5$ a night. he agrees but i say no. he says that she's only staying one more night so i say fine but then i find out that a week later she's back. So i talk to her because i'm really not set on losing him over her. so we talk and i'm really trying. i said she could stay so long as she sleeps either on the floor or the couch. they agree and i tell them if the agreement isn't followed i'll leave him. well tonight i find out she's slept in his bed for the last 2 weeks and he tells me that's how it's going to stay. i'm so confused on what to do. i really really love him and i really don't want to leave him, he means the world to me and i know i'm never going to find a guy who makes me feel so amazing again. please, give me advice on what to do. i'm really sorry if this isn't what this site is for but i'm really at a loss here. i'm sorry this is so long as well
thank you.
VictorM's advice:
He means the world to you but you don't mean the world to him. In fact, you don't mean that much to him.
You will find other guys that can make you feel amazing and a few who will treat you with respect. You're just afraid to try. But if you don't dump him, chances are he'll dump you. It'll be just a matter of time.
The odds are that you won't be feeling that amazed around him going forward knowing he's lying to you and choosing her over you.
By Bria, 18, from Florida:
ok my boyfriends name is John and we've been together for 4 1/2 months ive never felt this way about any guy in my life he's amazing. I'm his first girlfriend. ok well down to the point.
about our 2nd month in i found out he cheated on me with another girl but it wasn't anything really just a kiss and of course i was hurt but we talked and so far that was the end of it. But then the girl, who is already his friend, gets kicked out of her home and asks to stay at his apartment if she pays him 5$ a night. he agrees but i say no. he says that she's only staying one more night so i say fine but then i find out that a week later she's back. So i talk to her because i'm really not set on losing him over her. so we talk and i'm really trying. i said she could stay so long as she sleeps either on the floor or the couch. they agree and i tell them if the agreement isn't followed i'll leave him. well tonight i find out she's slept in his bed for the last 2 weeks and he tells me that's how it's going to stay. i'm so confused on what to do. i really really love him and i really don't want to leave him, he means the world to me and i know i'm never going to find a guy who makes me feel so amazing again. please, give me advice on what to do. i'm really sorry if this isn't what this site is for but i'm really at a loss here. i'm sorry this is so long as well
thank you.
VictorM's advice:
He means the world to you but you don't mean the world to him. In fact, you don't mean that much to him.
You will find other guys that can make you feel amazing and a few who will treat you with respect. You're just afraid to try. But if you don't dump him, chances are he'll dump you. It'll be just a matter of time.
The odds are that you won't be feeling that amazed around him going forward knowing he's lying to you and choosing her over you.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Lil sister
Submitted on Saturday, October 18, 2008
By Alanna, 21:
Hey V! So guess what?A few days ago I was with my boyfriend and his 'lil sis' (not biological, just someone he referred to as his lil sis that he only knew for like..3 weeks on the ship)...and she had this bitchy tantrum a few days ago.. I KNEW deep down inside, she had feelings for my boyfriend. She was just acting all bitchy and shit and I told him I KNEW she was acting like that for a REASON. He didn't believe me that night. I ended up droppin em to the bus stop to go back to NAvy so he could talk to her and settle shit or whatever. He also said he was supposed to off the following day, but he would go to work to COVER for someone, so he couldn't see me that day. So...that day comes, and I was at a meeting and stuff... and he called telling me that I WAS right, he should have listened to me, he feels like an asshole for cutting our "time" short to settle shit with his lil sister (says he couldn't sleep till 3 am, cuz he knew i was pissed off about it). He even said if his lil sis has anything to say, "don't believe her." His lil sis calls, and says that she has something to tell me. She admitted she had feelings for him, and that the day he was supposedly "covering" for someone, she spent time wth him cuz it was "her and him" time, and they ALMOST had sex. IT didn't happen, but they 'almost' did. So I was like, How is this ALMOST possible?? She said they were massaging eachother, and it "almost" happened.....to me, it didn't sound to accurate but regardless, THIS got my red flags up again. So I broke it off with my boyfriend, and he called back but i didn't answer. He then called my best friend, and she called me, asking me what's goin on. Then I received a text from my boyfriend that I just "proved" to him that i'm just like the others, i broke his heart and that he will always love me, and "goodbye". So I called back.... try to hear his side. And he said he doesn't know why I'm always doubting him. I told him, if he is telling the truth, I want ALL OF US to talk in person and settle this. He said it was unecessary, but he'd do it. So THAT day comes...and his lil sis was a "no show." I showed my boyfriend her text messages and told him about what she was telling me, and he said they were all lies. We then called his lil sis, and I made her AWARE that my boyfriend was with me, listening to to her every word on speaker phone. She stuttered...she stumbled..and everytime I asked her a YES or NO question...(for example: so...something sexual really DID happen between you and my boyfriend? YES or NO?) She would walk around it..kept sayin "it was a mistake it was a mistake" It seemed as if she was RUNNING AWAY from it?? And my boyfriend grabbed the phone and asked, "Why the fuck are you tellin my girlfriend this shit?" She said that we should do what WE do, and she'll do what SHE does, and that's it. She doesn't want to get in between us and blah blah... but the VERY moment I told her that my boyfriend LEFT somewhere and told her that he's not listening anymore...THEN she started telling me the things she texted to me, which pertains to her and my boyfriend being involved in something physical. I even asked her about the "almost" part...but she never really answered the question, she was making NO sense. And then she told me "Watch him". Recently, she's been saying that if I really do want to be with my boyfriend, Take the Risk.
Anyway, My boyfriend said he told her that day he got off from work, that she should STOP liking him right away, because her and him would never become an item and that he loves me too much to lose me.
But he won't talk to her now... he said he can't believe her bullshit. However, his lil sister continues to TEXT ME, CALL ME, asking me what i'm doing, what I'm up to, Where i am.....and if my boyfriend is with me.
My boyfriend and I went out to movies and to go dancing yesterday...he wanted to beat up a few guys because they all wanted to talk to me and dance with me, so he held on to me close the whole time.
I'm still having a little problem....Is his "little sister" crazy? Or should I still be skeptical about this?
VictorM's advice:
Lil sis sounds like a nut, alright. But A, if you don't start giving T the benefit of the doubt you're going to make things miserable between you two. I have no idea if he's lying to you about this lil sis, or anything else for that matter, but giving him hell without decent proof sounds nutty to me.
By Alanna, 21:
Hey V! So guess what?A few days ago I was with my boyfriend and his 'lil sis' (not biological, just someone he referred to as his lil sis that he only knew for like..3 weeks on the ship)...and she had this bitchy tantrum a few days ago.. I KNEW deep down inside, she had feelings for my boyfriend. She was just acting all bitchy and shit and I told him I KNEW she was acting like that for a REASON. He didn't believe me that night. I ended up droppin em to the bus stop to go back to NAvy so he could talk to her and settle shit or whatever. He also said he was supposed to off the following day, but he would go to work to COVER for someone, so he couldn't see me that day. So...that day comes, and I was at a meeting and stuff... and he called telling me that I WAS right, he should have listened to me, he feels like an asshole for cutting our "time" short to settle shit with his lil sister (says he couldn't sleep till 3 am, cuz he knew i was pissed off about it). He even said if his lil sis has anything to say, "don't believe her." His lil sis calls, and says that she has something to tell me. She admitted she had feelings for him, and that the day he was supposedly "covering" for someone, she spent time wth him cuz it was "her and him" time, and they ALMOST had sex. IT didn't happen, but they 'almost' did. So I was like, How is this ALMOST possible?? She said they were massaging eachother, and it "almost" happened.....to me, it didn't sound to accurate but regardless, THIS got my red flags up again. So I broke it off with my boyfriend, and he called back but i didn't answer. He then called my best friend, and she called me, asking me what's goin on. Then I received a text from my boyfriend that I just "proved" to him that i'm just like the others, i broke his heart and that he will always love me, and "goodbye". So I called back.... try to hear his side. And he said he doesn't know why I'm always doubting him. I told him, if he is telling the truth, I want ALL OF US to talk in person and settle this. He said it was unecessary, but he'd do it. So THAT day comes...and his lil sis was a "no show." I showed my boyfriend her text messages and told him about what she was telling me, and he said they were all lies. We then called his lil sis, and I made her AWARE that my boyfriend was with me, listening to to her every word on speaker phone. She stuttered...she stumbled..and everytime I asked her a YES or NO question...(for example: so...something sexual really DID happen between you and my boyfriend? YES or NO?) She would walk around it..kept sayin "it was a mistake it was a mistake" It seemed as if she was RUNNING AWAY from it?? And my boyfriend grabbed the phone and asked, "Why the fuck are you tellin my girlfriend this shit?" She said that we should do what WE do, and she'll do what SHE does, and that's it. She doesn't want to get in between us and blah blah... but the VERY moment I told her that my boyfriend LEFT somewhere and told her that he's not listening anymore...THEN she started telling me the things she texted to me, which pertains to her and my boyfriend being involved in something physical. I even asked her about the "almost" part...but she never really answered the question, she was making NO sense. And then she told me "Watch him". Recently, she's been saying that if I really do want to be with my boyfriend, Take the Risk.
Anyway, My boyfriend said he told her that day he got off from work, that she should STOP liking him right away, because her and him would never become an item and that he loves me too much to lose me.
But he won't talk to her now... he said he can't believe her bullshit. However, his lil sister continues to TEXT ME, CALL ME, asking me what i'm doing, what I'm up to, Where i am.....and if my boyfriend is with me.
My boyfriend and I went out to movies and to go dancing yesterday...he wanted to beat up a few guys because they all wanted to talk to me and dance with me, so he held on to me close the whole time.
I'm still having a little problem....Is his "little sister" crazy? Or should I still be skeptical about this?
VictorM's advice:
Lil sis sounds like a nut, alright. But A, if you don't start giving T the benefit of the doubt you're going to make things miserable between you two. I have no idea if he's lying to you about this lil sis, or anything else for that matter, but giving him hell without decent proof sounds nutty to me.
My question is regarding ex's
Submitted on Saturday, October 18, 2008
By Sandra, 25, from CHICAGO, ILLINOIS:
My question is regarding ex's. My ex and i split about 6 months ago, bc he couldn't handle the whole relationship thing and I WANTED a relationship. He was my 1st love, the guy I lost my virginity to, my best friend, etc. But we were at different points in our lives and decided to break up. We discussed our 3 options from there. 1.We could continue dating but not exclusively or with rules...just casually dating which would include remaining physically intimate together..while also free to see others...2.We could remain friends but JUST friends and nothing more, or 3.We could just go our separate ways and be done with each other for good...just move on. Well, I didnt like option #1 bc if i was going to continue to date him and be intimate with him, i didnt want to have to SHARE him also... NEITHER of us liked the idea of cutting off contact with each other all together though, and so we settled on just being friends. So now 6 months later, I am in a relationship with a new guy who is wonderful and great to me. I am very happy with him. My ex is causally dating a few other girls but with no comittments. I still speak with my ex regularly (near daily) on Instant Message and we get along GREAT. Recently though, he's been suggesting we meet up for lunch or to shoot darts at the bar. I have reminded him that we decided to be just friends and he assures me that his intentions are not beyond that. That he just misses me and my company. I would love to see him as well. I will not lie. I will always have a DEGREE of feelings for him as my 1st love, my first everything really. But i am very happy in my new relationship and would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend EVER. Friends say "Do a double."...Ummmm...double date with my EX??? Yeah, i dont think so. My new guy knows that I still talk to my ex and that we are friendly. He says he is ok with that. But i havent asked how he'd feel if I saw him for lunch or something. Even though i will always have some feelings for my ex....I realistically know that we broke up bc of problems and differences that are not going to change and I have moved on from wanting more than friendship with him. I would like to be able to keep him as my friend and not just my "online friend"...Although though he and i didnt work out as a relationship....he had MANY great qualities and he was my BEST FRIEND. What would you advise???
VictorM's advice:
Drop your ex. Cut down further contact and avoid him. Do not meet him for lunch. He has nothing to offer you but grief and heartache.
Chances are that you'll ignore my advice. If you do, you'll be making a big mistake. You've been warned.
By Sandra, 25, from CHICAGO, ILLINOIS:
My question is regarding ex's. My ex and i split about 6 months ago, bc he couldn't handle the whole relationship thing and I WANTED a relationship. He was my 1st love, the guy I lost my virginity to, my best friend, etc. But we were at different points in our lives and decided to break up. We discussed our 3 options from there. 1.We could continue dating but not exclusively or with rules...just casually dating which would include remaining physically intimate together..while also free to see others...2.We could remain friends but JUST friends and nothing more, or 3.We could just go our separate ways and be done with each other for good...just move on. Well, I didnt like option #1 bc if i was going to continue to date him and be intimate with him, i didnt want to have to SHARE him also... NEITHER of us liked the idea of cutting off contact with each other all together though, and so we settled on just being friends. So now 6 months later, I am in a relationship with a new guy who is wonderful and great to me. I am very happy with him. My ex is causally dating a few other girls but with no comittments. I still speak with my ex regularly (near daily) on Instant Message and we get along GREAT. Recently though, he's been suggesting we meet up for lunch or to shoot darts at the bar. I have reminded him that we decided to be just friends and he assures me that his intentions are not beyond that. That he just misses me and my company. I would love to see him as well. I will not lie. I will always have a DEGREE of feelings for him as my 1st love, my first everything really. But i am very happy in my new relationship and would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend EVER. Friends say "Do a double."...Ummmm...double date with my EX??? Yeah, i dont think so. My new guy knows that I still talk to my ex and that we are friendly. He says he is ok with that. But i havent asked how he'd feel if I saw him for lunch or something. Even though i will always have some feelings for my ex....I realistically know that we broke up bc of problems and differences that are not going to change and I have moved on from wanting more than friendship with him. I would like to be able to keep him as my friend and not just my "online friend"...Although though he and i didnt work out as a relationship....he had MANY great qualities and he was my BEST FRIEND. What would you advise???
VictorM's advice:
Drop your ex. Cut down further contact and avoid him. Do not meet him for lunch. He has nothing to offer you but grief and heartache.
Chances are that you'll ignore my advice. If you do, you'll be making a big mistake. You've been warned.
He began smoking pot 11 months ago
Submitted on Saturday, October 18, 2008
By Jessica, 17, from Orange County:
My boyfriend lied to me by telling me he would never do pot, but he began smoking pot 11 months ago and never told me about it even when i asked him, he seems to always want to hang out with his friends, and i seem to come second. we've been together for about 3 years now and he says he loves me but, his best friend seems to always come first... what do i do? does he really love me and want to be with me? or is he just attached to me and doesnt know how to let go???
VictorM's advice:
He's lying to you, doing drugs, and disrespecting you -- I think the answer is rather obvious. The real question is: are you as addicted to him as he is to pot, and are you lying to yourself?
By Jessica, 17, from Orange County:
My boyfriend lied to me by telling me he would never do pot, but he began smoking pot 11 months ago and never told me about it even when i asked him, he seems to always want to hang out with his friends, and i seem to come second. we've been together for about 3 years now and he says he loves me but, his best friend seems to always come first... what do i do? does he really love me and want to be with me? or is he just attached to me and doesnt know how to let go???
VictorM's advice:
He's lying to you, doing drugs, and disrespecting you -- I think the answer is rather obvious. The real question is: are you as addicted to him as he is to pot, and are you lying to yourself?
All of a sudden he stopped calling
Submitted on Saturday, October 18, 2008
By Mandii, 21, from Massacusetts:
I went on a date with this awesome guy. The date went great. We actually stayed out later then planned because we had so much to talk about. He goes to school 4 hours away and after the date we talked by phone for a little over a month. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling.
VictorM's advice:
Well, looks like he found a local girl to talk to. The long distance thing doesn't go over well with most guys.
By Mandii, 21, from Massacusetts:
I went on a date with this awesome guy. The date went great. We actually stayed out later then planned because we had so much to talk about. He goes to school 4 hours away and after the date we talked by phone for a little over a month. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling.
VictorM's advice:
Well, looks like he found a local girl to talk to. The long distance thing doesn't go over well with most guys.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Do all guys stink?
Submitted on Friday, October 17, 2008
By Btown Breezy, 15, from Brampton, Canada:
I like this guy Mike, and he is always flirting with me, except he is also always flirting with a girl in his homeroom class. I have friends who tell me that he asked her out but she said no (even though I know she likes him 2) but I have known him really long! I also know this guy named O’Neil I like him a little bit, and he is always flirting with me online, except at school, he ignores me. What do I do, and do all guys stink?
VictorM's advice:
Of course not all guys stink, but most boys around your age like to flirt with lots of girls because they're discovering their interest in the opposite sex and it's hard to stick with just one girl when there's so many around. And lots of guys are shy or insecure, which explains why O'Neil chats with you online but not in person.
By Btown Breezy, 15, from Brampton, Canada:
I like this guy Mike, and he is always flirting with me, except he is also always flirting with a girl in his homeroom class. I have friends who tell me that he asked her out but she said no (even though I know she likes him 2) but I have known him really long! I also know this guy named O’Neil I like him a little bit, and he is always flirting with me online, except at school, he ignores me. What do I do, and do all guys stink?
VictorM's advice:
Of course not all guys stink, but most boys around your age like to flirt with lots of girls because they're discovering their interest in the opposite sex and it's hard to stick with just one girl when there's so many around. And lots of guys are shy or insecure, which explains why O'Neil chats with you online but not in person.
He will just go away
Submitted on Friday, October 17, 2008
By jane, 22, from confusedland:
By jane, 22, from confusedland:
I'm confused by this guy. he says he likes me a lot, he knows that i like him. we talk a lot some days, but i know that he is really busy with school and stuff, so if i see him online or whatever i leave it to him to talk to me first as i don't want to be annoying. inevitably he does, so of course i reply. but then sometimes in the middle of the conversation he will just go away, or go offline or whatever. its kind of weird.
so basically i dont know what to think. (we live kind of far from each other, so usually talk online) of course it kind of hurts when he does this, if hes so busy he just has to disappear like that why would he bother talking to me in the first place? because that hurts a lot lot less than just being left hanging. and if hes not into me, why is he so insistent on being more than friends? (im more than happy to be just friends, long distance can be hard) and why say things about how beautiful he thinks i am, and how much he likes me,(he also says things, like i wish you lived here, and you should move here, you can live with me, etc etc) if he is going to just leave like that?!
am i just being a silly girl? the thing that sucks is that i have started to really like him, and he knows this, but im starting to think i should just cut it off now before he gets the chance to really hurt me? or am i just being too sensitive to things?
i dont know if i have explained it very well, but sometimes it just seems like we talk on his terms, and that he doesnt mind just disappearing if something else comes up, but other times we have a really great connection, and he goes out of his way to do things like send me cards or ring me or whatever. (and i know he doesnt have a lot of money to spare as he is paying for school and all the rest) so what is he doing?! is he just playing me for a fool, or is he actually really into me?!
please help!!! :D
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are a silly girl.
His sudden disappearance from online chat has more to do with manners than feelings. Some people just don't see the need to say "bye" when they're done chatting online. And, to a certain extent, chatting online is quite different. It's very easy to chat with several people at once, take some time in between responses with each, and because we have several chat windows going at once sometimes that makes it impractical to say bye to everyone, particularly if we have to leave in a hurry.
I have no clue if he has true feelings for you, but to judge them on his chatting habits sounds silly to me.
so basically i dont know what to think. (we live kind of far from each other, so usually talk online) of course it kind of hurts when he does this, if hes so busy he just has to disappear like that why would he bother talking to me in the first place? because that hurts a lot lot less than just being left hanging. and if hes not into me, why is he so insistent on being more than friends? (im more than happy to be just friends, long distance can be hard) and why say things about how beautiful he thinks i am, and how much he likes me,(he also says things, like i wish you lived here, and you should move here, you can live with me, etc etc) if he is going to just leave like that?!
am i just being a silly girl? the thing that sucks is that i have started to really like him, and he knows this, but im starting to think i should just cut it off now before he gets the chance to really hurt me? or am i just being too sensitive to things?
i dont know if i have explained it very well, but sometimes it just seems like we talk on his terms, and that he doesnt mind just disappearing if something else comes up, but other times we have a really great connection, and he goes out of his way to do things like send me cards or ring me or whatever. (and i know he doesnt have a lot of money to spare as he is paying for school and all the rest) so what is he doing?! is he just playing me for a fool, or is he actually really into me?!
please help!!! :D
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are a silly girl.
His sudden disappearance from online chat has more to do with manners than feelings. Some people just don't see the need to say "bye" when they're done chatting online. And, to a certain extent, chatting online is quite different. It's very easy to chat with several people at once, take some time in between responses with each, and because we have several chat windows going at once sometimes that makes it impractical to say bye to everyone, particularly if we have to leave in a hurry.
I have no clue if he has true feelings for you, but to judge them on his chatting habits sounds silly to me.
Why is he so passionate about these women?
Submitted on Thursday, October 16, 2008
By LaTanya, 29, from louisville Ky:
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is a great guy who has been hurt alot in the past. He is usually really into a woman and she does not give it to him in return. So when I met him I was right on it I usually date jerks who don't know how to treat a lady but with him it is not that way. So I made a promise to myself to take care of him so he will never feel like he has to chase a woman again. Well we often talk about rather I am the one for him and if we can be together forever. ( I had already once before stayed in a relationship for seven years with three children and then was left to be single so I am really not trying to experience that again. ) So I want to make sure that our relationship is not headed there. He always says that he can see himself with me forever but can't say at this time that I am the one for him, he needs more time. I take that answer and even though it is not something that I want to hear I can understand so I keep on being the good woman that I am. Well the other day I went into his my space to snoop which I know wasn't right but I couldn't resist. When I opened it there were old messages from before we dated and in the messages he was so passionate about these women from his past who did not even want to be with him. I don't understand it why is he so passionate about these women and don't show that much passion for me when I am right here willing to give him my all. They did not even want him and would even be dating other men when he was trying to win them over. Of course because of who I am I took the same question to him. He told me that his feelings then doesn't matter when it comes to our relationship. But in my eyes it does because how can you feel so much passion for them and not for me and I actually want to be with you forever and I am good to you. Well this went on for a few days so today he comes in and being that I can't let things go I printed off the messages and highlighted what he said to these women to show him what passion I was speaking on. When we were done he told me that he was leaving because no matter how good he is to me I am convinced that he will leave me one day and that the love that he shows me I act like that doesn't even matter just because he is not sure that I am the one. Well I went into the whole and you leaving is going to prove to me how much you love me right? You are just going to leave when I told you at the very beginning what I was looking for? We were both crying and then he says that he is going to stay. I told him that even when we do disagree which is not to often I never tell him to leave or that I want to break up because I don't want him to be confused about the way that I feel and I wouldn't say anything that I didn't mean just to hurt him. I love and respect him more than that but he told me he was going to leave. I am hurt I don't know what to do now. Because I already had doubts and even though he apologized and told me that he would stay how should I feel? I mean how am I suppose to know if he really wants to be here? Am I wrong for all that I did and even making a big deal out of the situation when he is good to me? OR should I question his love for me because he was willing to give women that didn't even want him all his passion, but not me? Please help me because I don't know what to do now.
VictorM's advice:
You are wrong about your take on his "passion" for the other women. You are trying to compare his words while hurt, desperate, rejected, angry, and god knows what else, to his words when he feels safe and calm. That's just wrong. All the "passion" you describe sound to me to be more a reflection of his sense of despair than of actual feelings. It's possible that if you were the one to dump him he'd use the same "passion."
We all have different triggers that provoke strong emotions within us. For some it's the sense of loss, or fear, or impending disaster, that triggers a big reaction. That could very well be his case.
But he's been very direct that he's not sure you're the one. It doesn't matter how good you are to him, you may never become "the one" to him. And unless and until you are the one, you may never experience the passion you've witnessed in writing.
He seems frustrated by your actions. Sounds like his willingness not to leave after all may have more to do with guilt feelings than with a sincere desire to stay. If you continue to pester him (printing his emails and highlighting words? Damn!) about words and emotions he used when he was hurt/angry/desperate you're inviting him to reconsider his decision to stay.
By LaTanya, 29, from louisville Ky:
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is a great guy who has been hurt alot in the past. He is usually really into a woman and she does not give it to him in return. So when I met him I was right on it I usually date jerks who don't know how to treat a lady but with him it is not that way. So I made a promise to myself to take care of him so he will never feel like he has to chase a woman again. Well we often talk about rather I am the one for him and if we can be together forever. ( I had already once before stayed in a relationship for seven years with three children and then was left to be single so I am really not trying to experience that again. ) So I want to make sure that our relationship is not headed there. He always says that he can see himself with me forever but can't say at this time that I am the one for him, he needs more time. I take that answer and even though it is not something that I want to hear I can understand so I keep on being the good woman that I am. Well the other day I went into his my space to snoop which I know wasn't right but I couldn't resist. When I opened it there were old messages from before we dated and in the messages he was so passionate about these women from his past who did not even want to be with him. I don't understand it why is he so passionate about these women and don't show that much passion for me when I am right here willing to give him my all. They did not even want him and would even be dating other men when he was trying to win them over. Of course because of who I am I took the same question to him. He told me that his feelings then doesn't matter when it comes to our relationship. But in my eyes it does because how can you feel so much passion for them and not for me and I actually want to be with you forever and I am good to you. Well this went on for a few days so today he comes in and being that I can't let things go I printed off the messages and highlighted what he said to these women to show him what passion I was speaking on. When we were done he told me that he was leaving because no matter how good he is to me I am convinced that he will leave me one day and that the love that he shows me I act like that doesn't even matter just because he is not sure that I am the one. Well I went into the whole and you leaving is going to prove to me how much you love me right? You are just going to leave when I told you at the very beginning what I was looking for? We were both crying and then he says that he is going to stay. I told him that even when we do disagree which is not to often I never tell him to leave or that I want to break up because I don't want him to be confused about the way that I feel and I wouldn't say anything that I didn't mean just to hurt him. I love and respect him more than that but he told me he was going to leave. I am hurt I don't know what to do now. Because I already had doubts and even though he apologized and told me that he would stay how should I feel? I mean how am I suppose to know if he really wants to be here? Am I wrong for all that I did and even making a big deal out of the situation when he is good to me? OR should I question his love for me because he was willing to give women that didn't even want him all his passion, but not me? Please help me because I don't know what to do now.
VictorM's advice:
You are wrong about your take on his "passion" for the other women. You are trying to compare his words while hurt, desperate, rejected, angry, and god knows what else, to his words when he feels safe and calm. That's just wrong. All the "passion" you describe sound to me to be more a reflection of his sense of despair than of actual feelings. It's possible that if you were the one to dump him he'd use the same "passion."
We all have different triggers that provoke strong emotions within us. For some it's the sense of loss, or fear, or impending disaster, that triggers a big reaction. That could very well be his case.
But he's been very direct that he's not sure you're the one. It doesn't matter how good you are to him, you may never become "the one" to him. And unless and until you are the one, you may never experience the passion you've witnessed in writing.
He seems frustrated by your actions. Sounds like his willingness not to leave after all may have more to do with guilt feelings than with a sincere desire to stay. If you continue to pester him (printing his emails and highlighting words? Damn!) about words and emotions he used when he was hurt/angry/desperate you're inviting him to reconsider his decision to stay.
He doesn't want a girlfriend right now
Submitted on Wednesday, October 15, 2008
By kaylin, 17, from california:
I have liked this guy for about a year and up until recently i never told him or anything cuz im really shy when it comes to that. but i got sick of not knowing if he liked me so i asked my friend to ask him. she did, and the guy said that he has liked me for a while and that he wants to be with me, but that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now because hes so busy with school and his family is going through stuff and he doesn't want to disappoint me and not be able to spend enough time with me. so yeah i just wanna know if he is seriously that sweet (which wouldn't be surprising) or if hes just trying to get out of it...? and will he want to have a girlfriend anytime soon?
VictorM's advice:
It's probably mostly true, but the odds are that the real reason is that he's insecure. And that's not unusual. Around your age girls mature about these things much sooner than most guys.
Teen boys are much more about quantity and easy girls than they are about daydreaming about real love with a nice girl. Even if he fantasizes about a relationship with you, he may not want to close the door on playing the field first.
I have no idea when he'll be ready for a serious girlfriend. It varies from guy to guy. Some are never really ready. But it wouldn't hurt for you to encourage him with smiles and personal greetings. Maybe he just needs a boost of confidence.
By kaylin, 17, from california:
I have liked this guy for about a year and up until recently i never told him or anything cuz im really shy when it comes to that. but i got sick of not knowing if he liked me so i asked my friend to ask him. she did, and the guy said that he has liked me for a while and that he wants to be with me, but that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now because hes so busy with school and his family is going through stuff and he doesn't want to disappoint me and not be able to spend enough time with me. so yeah i just wanna know if he is seriously that sweet (which wouldn't be surprising) or if hes just trying to get out of it...? and will he want to have a girlfriend anytime soon?
VictorM's advice:
It's probably mostly true, but the odds are that the real reason is that he's insecure. And that's not unusual. Around your age girls mature about these things much sooner than most guys.
Teen boys are much more about quantity and easy girls than they are about daydreaming about real love with a nice girl. Even if he fantasizes about a relationship with you, he may not want to close the door on playing the field first.
I have no idea when he'll be ready for a serious girlfriend. It varies from guy to guy. Some are never really ready. But it wouldn't hurt for you to encourage him with smiles and personal greetings. Maybe he just needs a boost of confidence.
I don't like his behaviour
Submitted on Wednesday, October 15, 2008
By cheryl, 46, from bristol:
Four years ago I met a man who was recently separated from his wife. For 3 years he chased me saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. Although I felt the same way I would not go out with him as I didn't think he was ready for another relationship so soon after his breakup. When I did finally go out with him I discovered that he was seeing another woman. I ended it with him saying his behaviour was unacceptable. He said he was only seeing the other woman for sex but was not prepared to give her up. We did not speak for about a year. I met another man who I care deeply about. I have been open and honest to my present partner about this other man. Unfortunately they know each other and it unnerves me when they speak. I now talk to my ex boyfriend briefly in passing but want nothing more than that. My present partner believes my ex boyfriend still loves me but I know any relationship would not work with him. There is something I am unsure about. Two weeks ago he bought me a birthday present. Why would he do this? I don't like his behaviour. What is he doing?
VictorM's advice:
What is he doing? He's not giving up on you. Does love have anything to do with it? I doubt it (remember, he's the guy who wouldn't give up the woman he was seeing just for sex). This is about his ego's need to overcome the earlier rejection. And if gifts complicate your current relationship, it's a perk for him.
By cheryl, 46, from bristol:
Four years ago I met a man who was recently separated from his wife. For 3 years he chased me saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. Although I felt the same way I would not go out with him as I didn't think he was ready for another relationship so soon after his breakup. When I did finally go out with him I discovered that he was seeing another woman. I ended it with him saying his behaviour was unacceptable. He said he was only seeing the other woman for sex but was not prepared to give her up. We did not speak for about a year. I met another man who I care deeply about. I have been open and honest to my present partner about this other man. Unfortunately they know each other and it unnerves me when they speak. I now talk to my ex boyfriend briefly in passing but want nothing more than that. My present partner believes my ex boyfriend still loves me but I know any relationship would not work with him. There is something I am unsure about. Two weeks ago he bought me a birthday present. Why would he do this? I don't like his behaviour. What is he doing?
VictorM's advice:
What is he doing? He's not giving up on you. Does love have anything to do with it? I doubt it (remember, he's the guy who wouldn't give up the woman he was seeing just for sex). This is about his ego's need to overcome the earlier rejection. And if gifts complicate your current relationship, it's a perk for him.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
On vacation with his buddies
Submitted on Tuesday, October 14, 2008
By carol Anteau, 17, from ysiplanti:
How do I live without my boyfriend for a 3 weeks when he is on vacation with his buddies?
VictorM's advice:
Take a cue from Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle: "I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." And then, he's back! And life will be perfect again.
By carol Anteau, 17, from ysiplanti:
How do I live without my boyfriend for a 3 weeks when he is on vacation with his buddies?
VictorM's advice:
Take a cue from Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle: "I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." And then, he's back! And life will be perfect again.
"how was your weekend?"
Submitted on Tuesday, October 14, 2008
By Brittani, 25, from Rapid City, SD:
Hi Victor! This site is great, thank you for your great advice! It is much appreciated. Alright, here's the situation. Have gone out with this guy a few times, we have had sex a few times, a few lunch dates here and there and so on. We don't spend too much time together. He texts me every few days saying things like "how was your weekend?" "how is your week going?" and keeps things pretty vague in his responses when I text him back. I'd rather he just ask me to hang out but he keeps sending me the same type of texts. What's he up to? Should I just blow him off and not respond anymore? I'd like to know what you think. Thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Even if he's interested in you it's pretty common for guy to take his time getting to know the girl first before attempting a serious relationship. Of course, in this case, it's possible that he's doing the bare minimum to keep you lined-up for some casual sex from time to time.
If you enjoy your time with him, why blow him off? Just don't sit around acting as if he's the only guy in the world.
By Brittani, 25, from Rapid City, SD:
Hi Victor! This site is great, thank you for your great advice! It is much appreciated. Alright, here's the situation. Have gone out with this guy a few times, we have had sex a few times, a few lunch dates here and there and so on. We don't spend too much time together. He texts me every few days saying things like "how was your weekend?" "how is your week going?" and keeps things pretty vague in his responses when I text him back. I'd rather he just ask me to hang out but he keeps sending me the same type of texts. What's he up to? Should I just blow him off and not respond anymore? I'd like to know what you think. Thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Even if he's interested in you it's pretty common for guy to take his time getting to know the girl first before attempting a serious relationship. Of course, in this case, it's possible that he's doing the bare minimum to keep you lined-up for some casual sex from time to time.
If you enjoy your time with him, why blow him off? Just don't sit around acting as if he's the only guy in the world.
I have started dating a boyfriend
Submitted on Monday, October 13, 2008
By Rebecca, 33, from texas:
Ok, part of me thinks this is just a guilt feeling, but I don't want to tell anyone this. Recently, I have started dating a boyfriend I once had when we were in our 20's. After only three weeks, I had sex with him. It's only been two days, but I haven't heard from him since. Before, we would only talk about once a week, so really, nothing has changed as far as the calls go. I believe the past is haunting me a little bit. When we dated before, it was mostly just sex. This time though, it has been much different. Actual dates, going out with friends, hand holding, etc. Do you think I should really worry? Is it just my guilt that is causing these insecurities?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he has already called you by now, maybe not, but in any case, there's nothing to be guilty about. Part of your attraction for each other is sexual. There's nothing wrong with that. You had sex with him because you chose to do so.
You may be wondering if he got back to you just for the sex. Maybe he did, maybe he wants more this time. Since you're a willing participant in the sex, worrying and being guilty solves nothing. Eventually you'll feel secure about his true intentions, and sex or no sex, you can move on with your life, either with him or without him. For now, if you're having fun, go with the flow.
By Rebecca, 33, from texas:
Ok, part of me thinks this is just a guilt feeling, but I don't want to tell anyone this. Recently, I have started dating a boyfriend I once had when we were in our 20's. After only three weeks, I had sex with him. It's only been two days, but I haven't heard from him since. Before, we would only talk about once a week, so really, nothing has changed as far as the calls go. I believe the past is haunting me a little bit. When we dated before, it was mostly just sex. This time though, it has been much different. Actual dates, going out with friends, hand holding, etc. Do you think I should really worry? Is it just my guilt that is causing these insecurities?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he has already called you by now, maybe not, but in any case, there's nothing to be guilty about. Part of your attraction for each other is sexual. There's nothing wrong with that. You had sex with him because you chose to do so.
You may be wondering if he got back to you just for the sex. Maybe he did, maybe he wants more this time. Since you're a willing participant in the sex, worrying and being guilty solves nothing. Eventually you'll feel secure about his true intentions, and sex or no sex, you can move on with your life, either with him or without him. For now, if you're having fun, go with the flow.
Why does it hurt so bad to have a broken heart?
Submitted on Monday, October 13, 2008
By heartbroken, 17, from heartbreakcity:
Why does it hurt so bad to have a broken heart? I am generally shy but I had a mutual friend introduce us. She was just unbelievable. Funny, smart, beautiful and every guy there seemed to hang on her every word but she just kind of ignored them and I didn't even think I had a chance with her. We started dating soon after. We had a lot of fun together, went on vacations with each others families and talked all of the time. I was always respectful of her. Along the way, alot of people quit being friends with both of us for no real reason except to say bad things about her. I took her advice and ignored it all. But I think it got to be too much for her because someone started leaving letters saying lies about us cheating on each other, leaving me messages about wanting me back and calling her and telling her I was cheating. Honestly, I never believed she cheated on me but she just got so sick of it that she broke up with me! Now, it has been more than 3 weeks and the day after I told a friend of mine, he just "showed up" at her house to say he was sorry for being mean to her. And the next night, she went out with a group of friends and 2 of the guys there told her they heard what happened and said they knew it was true I was cheating. I have told her over and over that I didn't do anything. I tried telling her how empty I am without her, how much I miss her and how I will do anything to get her back but nothing works. I pointed out how everyone that stopped being friends with her all of a sudden wants to be her best friend now! She still won't listen. So I told her I was going to beat up every last one of them until they admitted it was a lie and again, she is mad at me. What am I doing wrong? Will she ever believe me? I love this girl so much and I can't imagine my future without her in it.
VictorM's advice:
What are you doing wrong? You're acting like an idiot. You said you're going to beat everyone up and you thought that would impress her?
I doubt very much that she broke up with you over these allegations of cheating. Sounds like she's just using that as an excuse. She's over you, period. All the drama you're causing is just giving her more reasons to stay away from you and to convince herself she made the right choice.
You're behaving like a groveling, wimpy, sorry ass, little annoying ex. Girls like guys who are strong and confident and you're acting like a weakling just about to break into a 1000 little pieces. Get a grip of yourself. Forget all the rumors. Give the girl some room. Hang out with friends. Laugh. Do things that make you happy. If she sees a confident, mature, self-respecting side of you, who knows... I'm not saying she'll want you back, but you never know.
By heartbroken, 17, from heartbreakcity:
Why does it hurt so bad to have a broken heart? I am generally shy but I had a mutual friend introduce us. She was just unbelievable. Funny, smart, beautiful and every guy there seemed to hang on her every word but she just kind of ignored them and I didn't even think I had a chance with her. We started dating soon after. We had a lot of fun together, went on vacations with each others families and talked all of the time. I was always respectful of her. Along the way, alot of people quit being friends with both of us for no real reason except to say bad things about her. I took her advice and ignored it all. But I think it got to be too much for her because someone started leaving letters saying lies about us cheating on each other, leaving me messages about wanting me back and calling her and telling her I was cheating. Honestly, I never believed she cheated on me but she just got so sick of it that she broke up with me! Now, it has been more than 3 weeks and the day after I told a friend of mine, he just "showed up" at her house to say he was sorry for being mean to her. And the next night, she went out with a group of friends and 2 of the guys there told her they heard what happened and said they knew it was true I was cheating. I have told her over and over that I didn't do anything. I tried telling her how empty I am without her, how much I miss her and how I will do anything to get her back but nothing works. I pointed out how everyone that stopped being friends with her all of a sudden wants to be her best friend now! She still won't listen. So I told her I was going to beat up every last one of them until they admitted it was a lie and again, she is mad at me. What am I doing wrong? Will she ever believe me? I love this girl so much and I can't imagine my future without her in it.
VictorM's advice:
What are you doing wrong? You're acting like an idiot. You said you're going to beat everyone up and you thought that would impress her?
I doubt very much that she broke up with you over these allegations of cheating. Sounds like she's just using that as an excuse. She's over you, period. All the drama you're causing is just giving her more reasons to stay away from you and to convince herself she made the right choice.
You're behaving like a groveling, wimpy, sorry ass, little annoying ex. Girls like guys who are strong and confident and you're acting like a weakling just about to break into a 1000 little pieces. Get a grip of yourself. Forget all the rumors. Give the girl some room. Hang out with friends. Laugh. Do things that make you happy. If she sees a confident, mature, self-respecting side of you, who knows... I'm not saying she'll want you back, but you never know.
I like this guy and I know he likes me back
Submitted on Monday, October 13, 2008
By ELizabeth, 19, from Wyoming:
I like this guy and I know he likes me back. A lot of the eye contacting thing going on and smiling at one another. we had a really good night hanging out, and with me being outgoing i asked him if it was okay to kiss him and he told me yeah i don't mind but I'm not ready to get into another relationship, i told him that was fine and then kissed him and the kiss was great, and i know I'm everything he's looking for in a girl, but the next day when i called him he didn't pick up so then i waited 3 hours later that night and called him back and he still didn't pick up. I know i change that whole "I'm not ready to get back into another relationship" thing if i play my cards right well. how can i play my cards right to really win him over and get with him?
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling him. Getting a call the very next day, then another call three hours later will freak out most guys, specially one who doesn't want a relationship.
You have to exercise patience. Most guys, specially around your age, aren't in a hurry to get hooked. If you're so sure you're everything he wants in a girl, just give him more time. Meanwhile, smile, be friendly, and make him feel good around you.
By ELizabeth, 19, from Wyoming:
I like this guy and I know he likes me back. A lot of the eye contacting thing going on and smiling at one another. we had a really good night hanging out, and with me being outgoing i asked him if it was okay to kiss him and he told me yeah i don't mind but I'm not ready to get into another relationship, i told him that was fine and then kissed him and the kiss was great, and i know I'm everything he's looking for in a girl, but the next day when i called him he didn't pick up so then i waited 3 hours later that night and called him back and he still didn't pick up. I know i change that whole "I'm not ready to get back into another relationship" thing if i play my cards right well. how can i play my cards right to really win him over and get with him?
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling him. Getting a call the very next day, then another call three hours later will freak out most guys, specially one who doesn't want a relationship.
You have to exercise patience. Most guys, specially around your age, aren't in a hurry to get hooked. If you're so sure you're everything he wants in a girl, just give him more time. Meanwhile, smile, be friendly, and make him feel good around you.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Barely LEGAL porn
Submitted on Sunday, October 12, 2008
By cindy, 31, from CA:
Why do men look at barely LEGAL porn?
VictorM's advice:
Because the illegal kind might get them in jail. :-p
Seriously... men have many fantasies when it comes to sex: the oversexed nurse, the seductive teacher, the twin sisters... most fantasies tend to push the envelop on what's accepted by society. Fantasies are mostly about forbidden fruit. And that's what the barely legal girls provide -- a taste of the forbidden fruit. Sometimes the girls are innocent, sometimes they are slutty, but in all cases they are satisfying a fantasy about something we know it's highly unlikely to really ever happen in life. Also, let's face it, most girls in that group (college age) have tighter skin, perkier tits, leaner bodies, shinier hair... so they photograph better.
By cindy, 31, from CA:
Why do men look at barely LEGAL porn?
VictorM's advice:
Because the illegal kind might get them in jail. :-p
Seriously... men have many fantasies when it comes to sex: the oversexed nurse, the seductive teacher, the twin sisters... most fantasies tend to push the envelop on what's accepted by society. Fantasies are mostly about forbidden fruit. And that's what the barely legal girls provide -- a taste of the forbidden fruit. Sometimes the girls are innocent, sometimes they are slutty, but in all cases they are satisfying a fantasy about something we know it's highly unlikely to really ever happen in life. Also, let's face it, most girls in that group (college age) have tighter skin, perkier tits, leaner bodies, shinier hair... so they photograph better.
My ex keeps looking at my internet profile
Submitted on Sunday, October 12, 2008
By saybel, 20's:
ok vic me again lol
My ex keeps looking at my internet profile all the time...sometimes even 10 times a day...then he goes a few days not doing it...then does it again..yet never sends a msg or anything...what gives? if he's the one that didnt wanna work things out...why would he do this? I dont get it...i mean...i guess I could understand once...but 10??
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes people who are working to quit smoking will hold an unlit cigarette for a while. It's a way of gradually pulling away from smoking without going cold turkey.
That's what your ex is doing, he's gradually pulling away from you but he can't do it cold turkey. Eventually he'll stop visiting. That's how you know he's gotten you totally out of his system.
By saybel, 20's:
ok vic me again lol
My ex keeps looking at my internet profile all the time...sometimes even 10 times a day...then he goes a few days not doing it...then does it again..yet never sends a msg or anything...what gives? if he's the one that didnt wanna work things out...why would he do this? I dont get it...i mean...i guess I could understand once...but 10??
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes people who are working to quit smoking will hold an unlit cigarette for a while. It's a way of gradually pulling away from smoking without going cold turkey.
That's what your ex is doing, he's gradually pulling away from you but he can't do it cold turkey. Eventually he'll stop visiting. That's how you know he's gotten you totally out of his system.
How do you gain back someone's trust?
Submitted on Saturday, October 11, 2008
By K:
How do you gain back someone's trust? I know it will take a long time, but I'm willing to do whatever I can. I feel like I've been trying for awhile, but since trust is broken, it keeps going back and forth. He doesn't believe me on the simplest things. What is the best way to start fresh and win back his trust?
VictorM's advice:
The loss of trust is like toothpaste -- once it's out of the tube, you can't get it back in. Trusting again is not up to you; it's up to him. And it's no easy task. Trust is the most important ingredient in a successful relationship, even more important than love. If trust isn't there, you're better off moving on.
The best that you can do now is to stop trying to make him trust you. He's using it as a weapon against you and your sense of guilt is allowing him to get away with it. So stop trying. Stop discussing past indiscretions, and whenever he accuses you of new ones, simply say: "That's not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And walk away.
Believe me, you coming across as refusing to accept his premise that you're not being trustful will do more to reconstruct his trust on you than if you keep apologizing and being weak about it.
By K:
How do you gain back someone's trust? I know it will take a long time, but I'm willing to do whatever I can. I feel like I've been trying for awhile, but since trust is broken, it keeps going back and forth. He doesn't believe me on the simplest things. What is the best way to start fresh and win back his trust?
VictorM's advice:
The loss of trust is like toothpaste -- once it's out of the tube, you can't get it back in. Trusting again is not up to you; it's up to him. And it's no easy task. Trust is the most important ingredient in a successful relationship, even more important than love. If trust isn't there, you're better off moving on.
The best that you can do now is to stop trying to make him trust you. He's using it as a weapon against you and your sense of guilt is allowing him to get away with it. So stop trying. Stop discussing past indiscretions, and whenever he accuses you of new ones, simply say: "That's not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And walk away.
Believe me, you coming across as refusing to accept his premise that you're not being trustful will do more to reconstruct his trust on you than if you keep apologizing and being weak about it.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Back in the USA
Hi all,
I have been out of the country and just got back today. It got a little hectic during my last few days away, but now that I'm back I should resume updating on a regular basis. Check for new questions and answers tomorrow.
I have been out of the country and just got back today. It got a little hectic during my last few days away, but now that I'm back I should resume updating on a regular basis. Check for new questions and answers tomorrow.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Exchanging flirty emails
Submitted on Thursday, October 09, 2008
By Christina, 22, from Florida:
A guy at work and I have been exchanging flirty emails. Sometimes he answers right away and we go back and forth.. But then he just stops talking. Today when I sent him an email to say hi.. He answered with a smiley face, but the conversation went nowhere. I always catch him staring at me but what's the deal? Do you think he's just busy or not interested? I'm confused! Should I stop emailing him?
VictorM's advice:
Is it hard for you to imagine that a guy may actually have other things to do than to email you back right away or talk to you? It shouldn't be. I'm sure he has responsibilities, breaks, restroom obligations, etc. many things that interfere with your flirting.
I have no idea if he's interested. Often guys get into flirting situations at work as a way to pleasantly pass the time, not because they're looking for romance.
I see nothing wrong with you continuing to exchange flirty emails, unless you ever plan to be chosen as a vice presidential running mate to some old and cranky geezer and people get access to those emails.
By Christina, 22, from Florida:
A guy at work and I have been exchanging flirty emails. Sometimes he answers right away and we go back and forth.. But then he just stops talking. Today when I sent him an email to say hi.. He answered with a smiley face, but the conversation went nowhere. I always catch him staring at me but what's the deal? Do you think he's just busy or not interested? I'm confused! Should I stop emailing him?
VictorM's advice:
Is it hard for you to imagine that a guy may actually have other things to do than to email you back right away or talk to you? It shouldn't be. I'm sure he has responsibilities, breaks, restroom obligations, etc. many things that interfere with your flirting.
I have no idea if he's interested. Often guys get into flirting situations at work as a way to pleasantly pass the time, not because they're looking for romance.
I see nothing wrong with you continuing to exchange flirty emails, unless you ever plan to be chosen as a vice presidential running mate to some old and cranky geezer and people get access to those emails.
When it's right, it's right
Submitted on Thursday, October 09, 2008
By Mindy, 37, from Portland, OR:
I met a guy a few weeks ago at my friend's party. Unfortunately, the guy lives several hours away by plane. This isn't a difficult thing for me, since I happen to believe that when it's right, it's right.
The problem is that, while this guy says he is attracted to me, and that he definitely wants to keep in touch, he also feels that I live just too far away and he can't seem to wrap his head around that.
I kind of feel like I just answered my own question, and it's pretty obvious I need to just move on. I guess I'm just really bummed out. Thanks for your time.
VictorM's advice:
What, this guy isn't willing to move to the great city of Portland? I worked there for 6 months and loved it.
But... away from romance novels guys tend to be more practical over these matters. Distance is a major barrier, more so to guys than girls. But, you shouldn't give up. Stay in touch with him. You never know. You might not have made the initial impression on him that he made on you, but with time, that might change.
By Mindy, 37, from Portland, OR:
I met a guy a few weeks ago at my friend's party. Unfortunately, the guy lives several hours away by plane. This isn't a difficult thing for me, since I happen to believe that when it's right, it's right.
The problem is that, while this guy says he is attracted to me, and that he definitely wants to keep in touch, he also feels that I live just too far away and he can't seem to wrap his head around that.
I kind of feel like I just answered my own question, and it's pretty obvious I need to just move on. I guess I'm just really bummed out. Thanks for your time.
VictorM's advice:
What, this guy isn't willing to move to the great city of Portland? I worked there for 6 months and loved it.
But... away from romance novels guys tend to be more practical over these matters. Distance is a major barrier, more so to guys than girls. But, you shouldn't give up. Stay in touch with him. You never know. You might not have made the initial impression on him that he made on you, but with time, that might change.
Lost interest in you
Submitted on Thursday, October 09, 2008
By Jessica, 27, from Tennessee:
How do you know if a guy has lost interest in you?
VictorM's advice:
If it was easy to tell the world would be a better place, but unfortunately, it's not so easy. Complicating the issue is that people often go through stages, phases, moods, that to others may seem like a change in their interest but could be just temporary due to external influences.
You want to make sure that you don't jump to conclusions just because his attention to you (phone calls, text messages, etc.) decrease. Often that's just returning to a sustained level after an initial period of over the top attention.
But there are some things that are clear red flags: being disrespectful of your time, your opinions, and your feelings; repeatedly choosing to spend time with others over you; asking for a break because of personal reasons, trying to find himself, or being busy at work -- these are just code words for loss of interest.
Many guys may even feign interest until such time as they find someone else, which leads me to the most important piece of advice: he's lost interest if you feel he has lost interest. I say that because it doesn't matter what he's really feeling; it matters how you feel about him, and if you feel he's not interested, that's all you need to know to move on.
By Jessica, 27, from Tennessee:
How do you know if a guy has lost interest in you?
VictorM's advice:
If it was easy to tell the world would be a better place, but unfortunately, it's not so easy. Complicating the issue is that people often go through stages, phases, moods, that to others may seem like a change in their interest but could be just temporary due to external influences.
You want to make sure that you don't jump to conclusions just because his attention to you (phone calls, text messages, etc.) decrease. Often that's just returning to a sustained level after an initial period of over the top attention.
But there are some things that are clear red flags: being disrespectful of your time, your opinions, and your feelings; repeatedly choosing to spend time with others over you; asking for a break because of personal reasons, trying to find himself, or being busy at work -- these are just code words for loss of interest.
Many guys may even feign interest until such time as they find someone else, which leads me to the most important piece of advice: he's lost interest if you feel he has lost interest. I say that because it doesn't matter what he's really feeling; it matters how you feel about him, and if you feel he's not interested, that's all you need to know to move on.
Friday, October 10, 2008
After cheating
Submitted on Wednesday, October 08, 2008
By C, 36, from Whittier:
How does a guy really feel after cheating on his wife?
VictorM's advice:
There are exceptions, of course, but most guys don't feel much, otherwise, they wouldn't repeat it, and most do.
Most cheaters justify their actions by blaming someone or something else. For self preservation reasons, some even convince themselves it's their partner's fault.
Do many feel guilt? I'm sure many do, but only probably until they know they made it without being caught. Then the cycle starts all over again.
But make no mistake about this: in 100% of the cases, the cheater cheats because it's a character flaw of his; it has nothing to do with his partner.
By C, 36, from Whittier:
How does a guy really feel after cheating on his wife?
VictorM's advice:
There are exceptions, of course, but most guys don't feel much, otherwise, they wouldn't repeat it, and most do.
Most cheaters justify their actions by blaming someone or something else. For self preservation reasons, some even convince themselves it's their partner's fault.
Do many feel guilt? I'm sure many do, but only probably until they know they made it without being caught. Then the cycle starts all over again.
But make no mistake about this: in 100% of the cases, the cheater cheats because it's a character flaw of his; it has nothing to do with his partner.
Do boys love deeper than girls?
Submitted on Wednesday, October 08, 2008
By mom, 40, from undisclosed:
My 17 year old son and his girlfriend just broke up and he is devastated. This was his first real girlfriend and was never even really interested in anyone until he met her. He keeps wanting to see her or talk to her and she keeps ignoring him. She is probably doing the right thing by not taking his calls, but it breaks my heart to see my son hurting so badly. Is there anything I can do or say to help him? I am just so scared he will do something foolish. I know his friends are keeping him busy but I also know how boys can be and I know he has gotten drunk a few times since this happened. Is what he's doing normal? Do boys love deeper than girls?
VictorM's advice:
We just had a question recently where I stated that boys get over breakups faster than girls. I still think that's the case, your description of your son's reaction notwithstanding. Sure, some guys are imbalanced and become obsessed, but that's a reaction by a small minority. Chances your boy is having a normal reaction.
What affects boys most is a bruised ego. Being dumped, rejected, it cuts like a knife. The drinking part also comes with the territory. If he has good friends, and they keep him busy, that will help. He might be tempted to hurt the girls (not physically), but guys heal quicker if they can inject some emotional pain on the person who hurt them. He probably has tried that already, which would explain her rejecting his calls. And don't worry too much about this. Typically the kind of pain I'm talking about is being rude to her, or ignoring her. It seldom gets into something more serious than that.
You can help by not showing you're too bothered. Showing that you're concerned works with girls, not so much with boys. Girls need a shoulder to cry on; boys need reinforcement that they're strong. Listen to him if he talks about her, but otherwise, never mention her name again. Above all, give him some time. At his age, the transference of love from one girl to another happens rather quickly.
One positive thing about all this: if your boy was the type to get over being hurt so easily, or not being hurt at all, that's when I'd worry.
By mom, 40, from undisclosed:
My 17 year old son and his girlfriend just broke up and he is devastated. This was his first real girlfriend and was never even really interested in anyone until he met her. He keeps wanting to see her or talk to her and she keeps ignoring him. She is probably doing the right thing by not taking his calls, but it breaks my heart to see my son hurting so badly. Is there anything I can do or say to help him? I am just so scared he will do something foolish. I know his friends are keeping him busy but I also know how boys can be and I know he has gotten drunk a few times since this happened. Is what he's doing normal? Do boys love deeper than girls?
VictorM's advice:
We just had a question recently where I stated that boys get over breakups faster than girls. I still think that's the case, your description of your son's reaction notwithstanding. Sure, some guys are imbalanced and become obsessed, but that's a reaction by a small minority. Chances your boy is having a normal reaction.
What affects boys most is a bruised ego. Being dumped, rejected, it cuts like a knife. The drinking part also comes with the territory. If he has good friends, and they keep him busy, that will help. He might be tempted to hurt the girls (not physically), but guys heal quicker if they can inject some emotional pain on the person who hurt them. He probably has tried that already, which would explain her rejecting his calls. And don't worry too much about this. Typically the kind of pain I'm talking about is being rude to her, or ignoring her. It seldom gets into something more serious than that.
You can help by not showing you're too bothered. Showing that you're concerned works with girls, not so much with boys. Girls need a shoulder to cry on; boys need reinforcement that they're strong. Listen to him if he talks about her, but otherwise, never mention her name again. Above all, give him some time. At his age, the transference of love from one girl to another happens rather quickly.
One positive thing about all this: if your boy was the type to get over being hurt so easily, or not being hurt at all, that's when I'd worry.
I think I'm commitment phobic
Submitted on Wednesday, October 08, 2008
By Mishel, 18:
I have a really great friend. We've known each other for 20 months and we both like each other for a year now but only came to know it a bit more than a month ago. And now we seem to be stuck in a limbo. In addition to having major trust issues, I think I'm commitment phobic because every time he acts really sweet, I will get really nervous and start panicking (trembling, sweating, diarrhea, chest pain, stomach contractions or cramps etc). It's so paradoxical that I'm acting this way when I really do like him a lot. I feel so overwhelmed by this stupid paralyzing fear and sometimes his presence suffocates me. I'll just feel the desperate need to push him away and this usually by hurting his feelings. I have said really mean things like "shut up", "go away" many times over and will tell him how irritating he is when all he wanted to do was help me because I told him I was really stressed out over school work. Or I would tell him that I don't care about him and his feelings. I just wanted to create a distance or barrier between us. Even then, he will get worried and always asks my best friend about me.
More than three weeks ago, he unintentionally saw me typing my password to switch on my handphone and I use one password for all my accounts like my blog and such. A few days later, he was playing with my phone and at first I thought he was just fooling around when he typed in the near exact password. I nearly freaked out and started acting weird. Then he gave me his phone and told me that I know the password to his security code. Imagine my shock when I got through it using my own password! I'm very possessive of my phone because I keep very personal things in it. He tried convincing me that he had not been going through my accounts or phone even when he had the chance to and insisted that I say that he can be trusted and that I trust him. He also told me that he was feeling really insecure then. But I couldn't do it. And while I was walking away, he told me to just please stop running away.
He thinks it's because I don't trust him. I know that that in itself hurts him. And he also thinks that I was angry at him because I thought he looked through my stuffs. But it's not that since I know he would not do it. It's just that I feel sometimes he's demanding too much from me and I'm not ready for it. To ask me to completely trust him takes a lot even if he's one of the two people I trust the most. And he gets upset and hurt knowing that I hide a lot of things from him. I've had a history of sexual abuse, which is another huge issue by itself that I'm not ready to deal with, and it's not easy for me to open up to him about it. But it affects me from time to time and I get moody/depressed/suicidal and he will be left unsure of what to do. He always wants me to trust him, to be comfortable around him. Sometimes I just feel like pouring it all out to him but I get scared if he'll look at me differently or will not be able to accept of it. (He has tried convincing me so many times that he will accept me for everything I am.)
He's been extremely patient with me judging from my behaviour. I've told him before that I'm really scared of commitments but I'm not sure if he really understands the severity of it or how I really feel. My actions and feelings rarely match. I know I've hurt his feelings and I should change. Last Friday, I got angry at him (again) because I thought he saw pieces of paper I wrote about my feelings etc in my wallet. I know I was being very unreasonable but I came very close to crying at that point of time. He denied it many times over but I would not believe him and finally he said to me on msn that he doesn't care if I forgive him or not and to do him a favour and not to reply. His msn nick was "Just go... Please go away." Yet yesterday, he messaged me after reading my blog to call him if I feel alone or anything. (I wrote something about my parents fighting). But being stubborn, I didn't reply him. I'm very aware that I'm being very stupid. We've not talked on the phone for nearly three weeks when we used to like every other day. I think he's going to give up on me. We've always been able to talk about any problems we might have before, but now it seems he's scared to bring things up for the fear that I don't want to talk about it and will just sweep it all under a rug which just worsens the situation.
I'm sorry this is so long and messy but I sense a panic attack coming. X| Please help, I'm so afraid of losing him if I don't change and I really don't know what to do or where to begin. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I read your question carefully but I have to say that you need more help than I can provide. Your issues are way above anything I can answer. You really need to see a professional therapist. I know they can be expensive, but look into your parent's medical plans, or your school. The types of reactions you have need someone more qualified than me to address them.
If someone else reading this has had similar experiences, or know people who do, please use the Visitor Comments link below to offer your comments for Mishel. Thank you.
By Mishel, 18:
I have a really great friend. We've known each other for 20 months and we both like each other for a year now but only came to know it a bit more than a month ago. And now we seem to be stuck in a limbo. In addition to having major trust issues, I think I'm commitment phobic because every time he acts really sweet, I will get really nervous and start panicking (trembling, sweating, diarrhea, chest pain, stomach contractions or cramps etc). It's so paradoxical that I'm acting this way when I really do like him a lot. I feel so overwhelmed by this stupid paralyzing fear and sometimes his presence suffocates me. I'll just feel the desperate need to push him away and this usually by hurting his feelings. I have said really mean things like "shut up", "go away" many times over and will tell him how irritating he is when all he wanted to do was help me because I told him I was really stressed out over school work. Or I would tell him that I don't care about him and his feelings. I just wanted to create a distance or barrier between us. Even then, he will get worried and always asks my best friend about me.
More than three weeks ago, he unintentionally saw me typing my password to switch on my handphone and I use one password for all my accounts like my blog and such. A few days later, he was playing with my phone and at first I thought he was just fooling around when he typed in the near exact password. I nearly freaked out and started acting weird. Then he gave me his phone and told me that I know the password to his security code. Imagine my shock when I got through it using my own password! I'm very possessive of my phone because I keep very personal things in it. He tried convincing me that he had not been going through my accounts or phone even when he had the chance to and insisted that I say that he can be trusted and that I trust him. He also told me that he was feeling really insecure then. But I couldn't do it. And while I was walking away, he told me to just please stop running away.
He thinks it's because I don't trust him. I know that that in itself hurts him. And he also thinks that I was angry at him because I thought he looked through my stuffs. But it's not that since I know he would not do it. It's just that I feel sometimes he's demanding too much from me and I'm not ready for it. To ask me to completely trust him takes a lot even if he's one of the two people I trust the most. And he gets upset and hurt knowing that I hide a lot of things from him. I've had a history of sexual abuse, which is another huge issue by itself that I'm not ready to deal with, and it's not easy for me to open up to him about it. But it affects me from time to time and I get moody/depressed/suicidal and he will be left unsure of what to do. He always wants me to trust him, to be comfortable around him. Sometimes I just feel like pouring it all out to him but I get scared if he'll look at me differently or will not be able to accept of it. (He has tried convincing me so many times that he will accept me for everything I am.)
He's been extremely patient with me judging from my behaviour. I've told him before that I'm really scared of commitments but I'm not sure if he really understands the severity of it or how I really feel. My actions and feelings rarely match. I know I've hurt his feelings and I should change. Last Friday, I got angry at him (again) because I thought he saw pieces of paper I wrote about my feelings etc in my wallet. I know I was being very unreasonable but I came very close to crying at that point of time. He denied it many times over but I would not believe him and finally he said to me on msn that he doesn't care if I forgive him or not and to do him a favour and not to reply. His msn nick was "Just go... Please go away." Yet yesterday, he messaged me after reading my blog to call him if I feel alone or anything. (I wrote something about my parents fighting). But being stubborn, I didn't reply him. I'm very aware that I'm being very stupid. We've not talked on the phone for nearly three weeks when we used to like every other day. I think he's going to give up on me. We've always been able to talk about any problems we might have before, but now it seems he's scared to bring things up for the fear that I don't want to talk about it and will just sweep it all under a rug which just worsens the situation.
I'm sorry this is so long and messy but I sense a panic attack coming. X| Please help, I'm so afraid of losing him if I don't change and I really don't know what to do or where to begin. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I read your question carefully but I have to say that you need more help than I can provide. Your issues are way above anything I can answer. You really need to see a professional therapist. I know they can be expensive, but look into your parent's medical plans, or your school. The types of reactions you have need someone more qualified than me to address them.
If someone else reading this has had similar experiences, or know people who do, please use the Visitor Comments link below to offer your comments for Mishel. Thank you.
How was your weekend?
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By Sadie, 33, from alabama:
What does it mean when a guy asks "how was your weekend?"
VictorM's answer:
It depends on the guy. It could be just a conversation starter or he could be wanting to know if you have a boyfriend.
By Sadie, 33, from alabama:
What does it mean when a guy asks "how was your weekend?"
VictorM's answer:
It depends on the guy. It could be just a conversation starter or he could be wanting to know if you have a boyfriend.
I was drunk enough to be comfortable
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By Ashley, 18, from California:
I'm a freshman in college and some friends and I went to a party. We were drinking that night, I was drunk enough to be comfortable, but still knew what was going on. I met this guy, who was drinking that night also. We ended up hooking up, not sex, just fooling around. I didn't want to have sex, he respected that. We exchanged phone numbers. Its been a little over 3 weeks and since the night we met we've talked on the phone and texted a little. We've tried to hang out but it hasn't worked out yet. I'm hesitant because I don't want a random hookup or friends with benefits, I want a relationship. Is it worth hanging out with him or does he just want a hookup?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea what his intentions are, but it's up to you to set the rules. Just don't be afraid to be clear very early on. This way, you won't waste your time and his. You may, however, want to hold off on your expectations for a relationship. Most guys aren't willing to meet you once and then be boyfriend/girlfriend too soon. You should give him enough time to get to know you better before you bring up a relationship.
By Ashley, 18, from California:
I'm a freshman in college and some friends and I went to a party. We were drinking that night, I was drunk enough to be comfortable, but still knew what was going on. I met this guy, who was drinking that night also. We ended up hooking up, not sex, just fooling around. I didn't want to have sex, he respected that. We exchanged phone numbers. Its been a little over 3 weeks and since the night we met we've talked on the phone and texted a little. We've tried to hang out but it hasn't worked out yet. I'm hesitant because I don't want a random hookup or friends with benefits, I want a relationship. Is it worth hanging out with him or does he just want a hookup?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea what his intentions are, but it's up to you to set the rules. Just don't be afraid to be clear very early on. This way, you won't waste your time and his. You may, however, want to hold off on your expectations for a relationship. Most guys aren't willing to meet you once and then be boyfriend/girlfriend too soon. You should give him enough time to get to know you better before you bring up a relationship.
I'll admit it was an affair
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By tina, 40, from long island:
My boyfriend of 9 years ended our relationship 2 months ago. I'll admit it was an affair. But I did believe we were meant to be. He left his wife and we were supposed to start our life together. His kids are angry they know everything and have told him they will not speak to him as long as I am in his live "Me or the Kids" I begged him to put kids and counseling and lets get through it together. He said it would take too long too heal them and he doesn't want to lose their love forever. Ok I can live with that no matter how much it hurts, but for his kids I get it. But three weeks later he's in a serious relationship he said he is falling love with new girl because there is no stress with his kids with her as long as its not me. I just don't understand how he moved on so quickly while I cant even function, we work together we are business partners. he said its not the love we had but it is normal and he needs this I cant stop crying I feel like he didn't even try. How do men move on so easily?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe the girl is not as new to him as you think. He cheated on his wife for years, what makes you think he didn't do the same thing with you?
You're also assuming that he was in love with you, just as you're assuming he's in love with the "new" girl. I'm willing to bet he was in love with his wife at some point. Some guys just use that word very loosely, which explains why he can move on so rapidly.
By tina, 40, from long island:
My boyfriend of 9 years ended our relationship 2 months ago. I'll admit it was an affair. But I did believe we were meant to be. He left his wife and we were supposed to start our life together. His kids are angry they know everything and have told him they will not speak to him as long as I am in his live "Me or the Kids" I begged him to put kids and counseling and lets get through it together. He said it would take too long too heal them and he doesn't want to lose their love forever. Ok I can live with that no matter how much it hurts, but for his kids I get it. But three weeks later he's in a serious relationship he said he is falling love with new girl because there is no stress with his kids with her as long as its not me. I just don't understand how he moved on so quickly while I cant even function, we work together we are business partners. he said its not the love we had but it is normal and he needs this I cant stop crying I feel like he didn't even try. How do men move on so easily?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe the girl is not as new to him as you think. He cheated on his wife for years, what makes you think he didn't do the same thing with you?
You're also assuming that he was in love with you, just as you're assuming he's in love with the "new" girl. I'm willing to bet he was in love with his wife at some point. Some guys just use that word very loosely, which explains why he can move on so rapidly.
My younger sister is having boy issues
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By Melanie, 20, from Illinois:
My younger sister, Alex, is having boy issues and I am not sure what to tell her … Last year, she became friends with a quiet, very smart, cute guy (Jack) outside of her normal “friend group.” Over the summer, they spent many hours talking/texting each other so much to the point we all thought there was more than friendship... He was so sweet to her, gave her subtle compliments, apologized when he messed up, really listened to her, confided in her, told her how much he loved talking to her, etc... Sometimes Alex would tell me she felt like Jack was way more intense with her than she was with him. Our parents were convinced they were a “couple” even though they hadn’t gone on any dates (we were at our beach house for the summer). It was so sweet and when we came back home, Alex was filled with hope!
The first time she saw him before school started, she could immediately tell they were JUST FRIENDS…”the vibe was obvious,” she said. Alex said she was cool with it because he’s just not mature enough now to give her what she wants anyway. I was amazed at her logic/maturity and I know I would not have had this same reaction, but have to admit she’s very intelligent about it. Jack and Alex are two of the most compatible people I know. They are total opposites and yet they are not really that opposite. Kind of like yin/yang… I have never seen 2 people who can talk to each other for hours on end and not get tired of being together. They tease each other, flirt all the time, laugh until their sides ache and really care about each other…seemingly the “perfect match.”
Recently, they both went to a big event with different dates…the next day he was very “catty” or even jealous when he asked my sister about her evening. And just the other day, he called my sister to tell her about a girl he might have a little something with…He told Alex, “I didn’t want you to think I was keeping a secret from you about this girl.”
It’s like he doesn’t want her for himself right now, but he doesn’t want anyone else to want her. He gives a lot of mixed signals… but Alex is not waiting or pining for him. She is a very happy and socially active kind of girl. There are not a lot of choices for boys where she goes to school. So dating other guys won’t work.
You’ll probably say that he just doesn’t like her enough to date her. It’s a possibility. But what should she do? And WHY is he doing this?
VictorM's advice:
Consider that he may not be jealous, he may just be selfish. The difference is that his actions are probably just a reflection of his personality, not of his feelings for her.
Boys who like a girl will often mention another just to provoke a reaction. Maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he's not.
Why should he change anything about the relationship? Things are very good for him. He can enjoy plenty of time with a very cool girl and not have to be exclusive. Sounds like a good deal. The idea of wanting to be settle before having more fun is a girl thing. Guys don't share that view.
If she's happy as is, leave her alone, otherwise, she has to change the dynamics of this friendship. As long as she continues to be the flirty, friendly, available, girl that he so enjoys, he won't want anything to change. She has to change something for him to consider a change as well.
By Melanie, 20, from Illinois:
My younger sister, Alex, is having boy issues and I am not sure what to tell her … Last year, she became friends with a quiet, very smart, cute guy (Jack) outside of her normal “friend group.” Over the summer, they spent many hours talking/texting each other so much to the point we all thought there was more than friendship... He was so sweet to her, gave her subtle compliments, apologized when he messed up, really listened to her, confided in her, told her how much he loved talking to her, etc... Sometimes Alex would tell me she felt like Jack was way more intense with her than she was with him. Our parents were convinced they were a “couple” even though they hadn’t gone on any dates (we were at our beach house for the summer). It was so sweet and when we came back home, Alex was filled with hope!
The first time she saw him before school started, she could immediately tell they were JUST FRIENDS…”the vibe was obvious,” she said. Alex said she was cool with it because he’s just not mature enough now to give her what she wants anyway. I was amazed at her logic/maturity and I know I would not have had this same reaction, but have to admit she’s very intelligent about it. Jack and Alex are two of the most compatible people I know. They are total opposites and yet they are not really that opposite. Kind of like yin/yang… I have never seen 2 people who can talk to each other for hours on end and not get tired of being together. They tease each other, flirt all the time, laugh until their sides ache and really care about each other…seemingly the “perfect match.”
Recently, they both went to a big event with different dates…the next day he was very “catty” or even jealous when he asked my sister about her evening. And just the other day, he called my sister to tell her about a girl he might have a little something with…He told Alex, “I didn’t want you to think I was keeping a secret from you about this girl.”
It’s like he doesn’t want her for himself right now, but he doesn’t want anyone else to want her. He gives a lot of mixed signals… but Alex is not waiting or pining for him. She is a very happy and socially active kind of girl. There are not a lot of choices for boys where she goes to school. So dating other guys won’t work.
You’ll probably say that he just doesn’t like her enough to date her. It’s a possibility. But what should she do? And WHY is he doing this?
VictorM's advice:
Consider that he may not be jealous, he may just be selfish. The difference is that his actions are probably just a reflection of his personality, not of his feelings for her.
Boys who like a girl will often mention another just to provoke a reaction. Maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he's not.
Why should he change anything about the relationship? Things are very good for him. He can enjoy plenty of time with a very cool girl and not have to be exclusive. Sounds like a good deal. The idea of wanting to be settle before having more fun is a girl thing. Guys don't share that view.
If she's happy as is, leave her alone, otherwise, she has to change the dynamics of this friendship. As long as she continues to be the flirty, friendly, available, girl that he so enjoys, he won't want anything to change. She has to change something for him to consider a change as well.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Us being together isn't about sex
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By solarstars, 33, from Portland, Oregon:
Ok there's this guy I have been flirting with over 10 months. We have kissed in the car and had him over to my place once. We have talked for hours about how much we like each other and how us being together isn't about sex. We live in small town so that makes it a little awkward because we have some of the same friends. So the other night a friend of ours saw this guy texting and asked him who it was and he told his guy friend, who really adores me, that is was me. Well, this guy friend said "what are you waiting for? " and that I'm great.The guy I like had been texting me all day and night until I came to meet him late. Once I arrived, he was so glad to see me and said: "I can't believe you're here." Didn't have me do anything cheap and was really concerned about me being happy. He told me he just wanted to kiss but of course it went further than that, this isn't the first time. He went on to tell me that he adores me, stopped to ask me "Do you want..." and changed his question to "Do you think we should be doing this?" And said the other question he was going to ask might have been jumping he gun. We gaze in each others eyes, full on eye contact and he grins from ear to ear and he even asked me "now that you know where I live are you going to come see me?" and if I were the type to get mad if he is late? I remarked "I had better things to do than worry about his whereabouts! and then he asked well it would be nice to know if you cared. I told him I did care. He also talked about going the beach and practicing more sex. He doesn't get real stiff if you know what I mean- he's 39 but in great shape. Probably the beer, I think. He also said his two great loves in life wouldn't do it and asked if I would join the "mile high club" with him. We were on fire for all accounts and yes it seemed a bit scary how much chemistry we have together. So the next day he doesn't test back. Sometimes he comes up with" my phone was fucked up". This is a guy who doesn't check his VM just returns the caller. He has been able to text me all day and all night then nothing after out get togethers, so what gives? All our mutual friends tell me secretly oh he has liked you for so long... he not a player either. I myself am a bit scared because the emotions evoked in the way of chemistry and it's seems mutual. He usually does not come forth with a lot of feeling and he does have a drinking problem and is quite stand offish until he has had a couple. But he always comes back to flirt with me tell me he's tired of being alone and that I look great, and that he was asleep when he got my text's. But he has also told me how he is lonely when he is sober and how he wants to wake up to someone. I just don't understand why he won't text back. If he really cares wouldn't he? Isn't he too old to be playing games? Does he want a clingy girlfriend? I usually ignore his behavior and he comes back to seek me out but we have both admitted out feelings so it would or should be clear. I adore him but am starting to really like him and I think he will hurt me when he doesn't respond to me or ignores me for a day or two. I don't want to rush anything either but he usually is the one who puts the heat on and then takes it off the fire. I don't understand why he so hot and cold. Should I continue to play hard to get? I think I might start to resent this circle replaying. 10 months flirting, last month hot and heavy, will he ever give in? He and everyone else say's he so ready. What's the hold up? Not that I want to marry him but a connection where I can trust he won't hurt me or give me simple respect is what I seek.
By solarstars, 33, from Portland, Oregon:
Ok there's this guy I have been flirting with over 10 months. We have kissed in the car and had him over to my place once. We have talked for hours about how much we like each other and how us being together isn't about sex. We live in small town so that makes it a little awkward because we have some of the same friends. So the other night a friend of ours saw this guy texting and asked him who it was and he told his guy friend, who really adores me, that is was me. Well, this guy friend said "what are you waiting for? " and that I'm great.The guy I like had been texting me all day and night until I came to meet him late. Once I arrived, he was so glad to see me and said: "I can't believe you're here." Didn't have me do anything cheap and was really concerned about me being happy. He told me he just wanted to kiss but of course it went further than that, this isn't the first time. He went on to tell me that he adores me, stopped to ask me "Do you want..." and changed his question to "Do you think we should be doing this?" And said the other question he was going to ask might have been jumping he gun. We gaze in each others eyes, full on eye contact and he grins from ear to ear and he even asked me "now that you know where I live are you going to come see me?" and if I were the type to get mad if he is late? I remarked "I had better things to do than worry about his whereabouts! and then he asked well it would be nice to know if you cared. I told him I did care. He also talked about going the beach and practicing more sex. He doesn't get real stiff if you know what I mean- he's 39 but in great shape. Probably the beer, I think. He also said his two great loves in life wouldn't do it and asked if I would join the "mile high club" with him. We were on fire for all accounts and yes it seemed a bit scary how much chemistry we have together. So the next day he doesn't test back. Sometimes he comes up with" my phone was fucked up". This is a guy who doesn't check his VM just returns the caller. He has been able to text me all day and all night then nothing after out get togethers, so what gives? All our mutual friends tell me secretly oh he has liked you for so long... he not a player either. I myself am a bit scared because the emotions evoked in the way of chemistry and it's seems mutual. He usually does not come forth with a lot of feeling and he does have a drinking problem and is quite stand offish until he has had a couple. But he always comes back to flirt with me tell me he's tired of being alone and that I look great, and that he was asleep when he got my text's. But he has also told me how he is lonely when he is sober and how he wants to wake up to someone. I just don't understand why he won't text back. If he really cares wouldn't he? Isn't he too old to be playing games? Does he want a clingy girlfriend? I usually ignore his behavior and he comes back to seek me out but we have both admitted out feelings so it would or should be clear. I adore him but am starting to really like him and I think he will hurt me when he doesn't respond to me or ignores me for a day or two. I don't want to rush anything either but he usually is the one who puts the heat on and then takes it off the fire. I don't understand why he so hot and cold. Should I continue to play hard to get? I think I might start to resent this circle replaying. 10 months flirting, last month hot and heavy, will he ever give in? He and everyone else say's he so ready. What's the hold up? Not that I want to marry him but a connection where I can trust he won't hurt me or give me simple respect is what I seek.
so confusing !!!
VictorM's advice:
Guys will always text less frequently than women, more so when they're sure about the relationship. Part of it is because women are better at multitasking, part of it is because guys are more practical and text when there's something to say. In any case, this is something that you two should talk about, so that your wants and his are in line.
He's been seeing you for a few months. I don't see what the problem is. Yes, I know, it's not at the pace that you want, but just because things aren't exactly as you'd like, doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Guys are usually in less of a hurry to formalize a relationship.
It's odd to me that you seem more worried about his texting habits than by the fact that he has a drinking problem. Call me crazy, but that sounds upside down.
VictorM's advice:
Guys will always text less frequently than women, more so when they're sure about the relationship. Part of it is because women are better at multitasking, part of it is because guys are more practical and text when there's something to say. In any case, this is something that you two should talk about, so that your wants and his are in line.
He's been seeing you for a few months. I don't see what the problem is. Yes, I know, it's not at the pace that you want, but just because things aren't exactly as you'd like, doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Guys are usually in less of a hurry to formalize a relationship.
It's odd to me that you seem more worried about his texting habits than by the fact that he has a drinking problem. Call me crazy, but that sounds upside down.
We recently decided to take a break
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By Heidi, 45, from Colorado:
I had been dating a guy for almost 2 years. We recently decided to take a break (his choice). He has decided he needs to figure what makes him happy and how to have balance in his life again. He recently switched jobs after years of a very difficult job situation - 75% travel and a very demanding, narcissistic boss. He has a daughter, age 9 whom is shares custody of with his ex. He has been divorced for 4 years now. He immediately started dating someone soon after the divorce for about a year and then dated someone for 6 months or so, before he met me. We had been together ever since. Thought this was fate, soul mate, true love and all that stuff. But life kind of reared its ugly head and he realized he just was not happy. I think he thought a relationship would be the answer and even after he found "true love" he still was not happy. He said he never has time for himself and he just needs that right now. He felt leaving his old job was like ending an awful marriage and he is trying to heal from that as well. So, is this normal for a guy? Should I just be moving on and assume we are over, if he can't some how include me in his life at this point. Or do I go about my life and wait for him. We do get together every 7 - 10 days or so, for lunch, breakfast, etc. (nothing intimate) We still get along great. He says that he is not interested in seeing anyone else, but would understand if I did. He says he cares for me and his feelings have not changed, but he cannot give his all to a committed relationship right now. I've told him that every time I see him I have every intention to say goodbye, but just can't. Maybe I need to start thinking with my head and not my heart.
Help me understand how he is thinking and what I should be doing at this point.
Thanks,
VictorM's advice:
He's done with you. Forget all the words about you being soul mates. Forget everything that he has said. He's done with you. All that is left from this relationship is salvaging his conscience. So, he'll be nice, want to see you from time to time, say he still loves you, blah, blah, blah... he'll say anything to come across as a caring guy and, in his mind, ease the blow to you. But he's done with you as a romantic partner.
By Heidi, 45, from Colorado:
I had been dating a guy for almost 2 years. We recently decided to take a break (his choice). He has decided he needs to figure what makes him happy and how to have balance in his life again. He recently switched jobs after years of a very difficult job situation - 75% travel and a very demanding, narcissistic boss. He has a daughter, age 9 whom is shares custody of with his ex. He has been divorced for 4 years now. He immediately started dating someone soon after the divorce for about a year and then dated someone for 6 months or so, before he met me. We had been together ever since. Thought this was fate, soul mate, true love and all that stuff. But life kind of reared its ugly head and he realized he just was not happy. I think he thought a relationship would be the answer and even after he found "true love" he still was not happy. He said he never has time for himself and he just needs that right now. He felt leaving his old job was like ending an awful marriage and he is trying to heal from that as well. So, is this normal for a guy? Should I just be moving on and assume we are over, if he can't some how include me in his life at this point. Or do I go about my life and wait for him. We do get together every 7 - 10 days or so, for lunch, breakfast, etc. (nothing intimate) We still get along great. He says that he is not interested in seeing anyone else, but would understand if I did. He says he cares for me and his feelings have not changed, but he cannot give his all to a committed relationship right now. I've told him that every time I see him I have every intention to say goodbye, but just can't. Maybe I need to start thinking with my head and not my heart.
Help me understand how he is thinking and what I should be doing at this point.
Thanks,
VictorM's advice:
He's done with you. Forget all the words about you being soul mates. Forget everything that he has said. He's done with you. All that is left from this relationship is salvaging his conscience. So, he'll be nice, want to see you from time to time, say he still loves you, blah, blah, blah... he'll say anything to come across as a caring guy and, in his mind, ease the blow to you. But he's done with you as a romantic partner.
Should you still talk to him?
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By ash, 12, from sydney:
If a boy dumps you should you still talk to him? Oh and he hurt me bad!!!!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
You should do whatever makes you feel better. Sometimes it's not talking to such a boy, sometimes it's being nice. What matters is what will make you feel better; forget about what it does to him.
By ash, 12, from sydney:
If a boy dumps you should you still talk to him? Oh and he hurt me bad!!!!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
You should do whatever makes you feel better. Sometimes it's not talking to such a boy, sometimes it's being nice. What matters is what will make you feel better; forget about what it does to him.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Was it necessary for him to tell me all about her?
Submitted on Monday, October 06, 2008
By Jennifer, 31, from Texas:
OK- Let me give you the short version- was engaged to a guy who was totally in love withme- moved to his home town- left behind friends, family, job, everything- got there- things got scary for me- homesick- wasn't sure if things were as great as what he had promised- so I shut down... broke off the engagement- moved back home- but we still kept in contact every single day- texts, emails, phone calls, we even saw each other on the weekends (he lives 3 hours away)- so started tryting to work things out- I sent him a long letter telling him that I was sorry- that I really loved him and I wanted another chance to make things right between us- basically, I wanted it all back and willing to do whatever it took. He read the letter and really didn't respond to it until 4 or 5 days later. I was planning to see him that weekend- he called to tell me that he just didn't know if he could re-commit to me right now- he didn't know what he wanted. I was crushed, but let it go at that- it was over. Then the next morning he calls to tell me that he felt like he should tell me the truth- that for the past month he had been talking to an ex again, and he felt like he would regret it if he didn't try with her- he thought that psychologically it would be better for me to know the truth. So he had been talking to both of us for over a month! Telling me that he loved me and couldn't wait to see me- only to call and say- oh, don't come this weekend because my ex is coming instead. Then I go there to pick up some things- we spend the day together- we are intimate several times- then he tells me after all that (and leading me to believe that we are back on track) that he is going to move to her hometown for a month and work from there to see how things go with her.... that he loves both of us- but he doesn't really know what he wants right now and I deserve all the happiness in the world. That he and I were too up and down and she was steady- that she was plain and simple and I was gorgeous and classy... Just tell me what the hell all that meant... Of course I said goodbye and haven't talked to him since... but it hurts. I loved him deeply and feel like I really messed up. But was it necessary for him to tell me all about her? Why couldn't he just break it off with me and move on without rubbing in the fact that he was running back to an ex?
VictorM's advice:
I believe there were two reasons why he did it, and neither of them has to do with wanting to hurt you: one, it was imperative for him to relieve his conscience. In essence, he told you about her to relieve himself of guilt; two, the best way to show you respect was to tell you the whole truth.
Sure, it hurts you now, but in the long run, it'll hurt a lot less than if you find out later that he lied to you.
By Jennifer, 31, from Texas:
OK- Let me give you the short version- was engaged to a guy who was totally in love withme- moved to his home town- left behind friends, family, job, everything- got there- things got scary for me- homesick- wasn't sure if things were as great as what he had promised- so I shut down... broke off the engagement- moved back home- but we still kept in contact every single day- texts, emails, phone calls, we even saw each other on the weekends (he lives 3 hours away)- so started tryting to work things out- I sent him a long letter telling him that I was sorry- that I really loved him and I wanted another chance to make things right between us- basically, I wanted it all back and willing to do whatever it took. He read the letter and really didn't respond to it until 4 or 5 days later. I was planning to see him that weekend- he called to tell me that he just didn't know if he could re-commit to me right now- he didn't know what he wanted. I was crushed, but let it go at that- it was over. Then the next morning he calls to tell me that he felt like he should tell me the truth- that for the past month he had been talking to an ex again, and he felt like he would regret it if he didn't try with her- he thought that psychologically it would be better for me to know the truth. So he had been talking to both of us for over a month! Telling me that he loved me and couldn't wait to see me- only to call and say- oh, don't come this weekend because my ex is coming instead. Then I go there to pick up some things- we spend the day together- we are intimate several times- then he tells me after all that (and leading me to believe that we are back on track) that he is going to move to her hometown for a month and work from there to see how things go with her.... that he loves both of us- but he doesn't really know what he wants right now and I deserve all the happiness in the world. That he and I were too up and down and she was steady- that she was plain and simple and I was gorgeous and classy... Just tell me what the hell all that meant... Of course I said goodbye and haven't talked to him since... but it hurts. I loved him deeply and feel like I really messed up. But was it necessary for him to tell me all about her? Why couldn't he just break it off with me and move on without rubbing in the fact that he was running back to an ex?
VictorM's advice:
I believe there were two reasons why he did it, and neither of them has to do with wanting to hurt you: one, it was imperative for him to relieve his conscience. In essence, he told you about her to relieve himself of guilt; two, the best way to show you respect was to tell you the whole truth.
Sure, it hurts you now, but in the long run, it'll hurt a lot less than if you find out later that he lied to you.
He has been chatting with girls online
Submitted on Monday, October 06, 2008
By Kaitlyn, 25, from Wisconsin:
I wrote a while back. New boyfriend, new problem... its nice that you're here for me- you single perhaps? Haha only kidding.
I recently discovered that my boyfriend of 6 months has been chatting with girls online. A little innocent chatting never hurt anyone, but they're sending very dirty pictures and exchanging very personal stories. I told him I was hurt beacuse it made me feel insufficient, and because sometimes he said nicer things to them than he ever says to me. He didn't really defend himself, or explain why he did it, only to say that he "cares about and loves me a lot, just doesn't know how to show it"... is this a BS line? He's said it to me before when I ask if he's happy with "us", I don't know if this is legitimate or if he's looking for a way out?
VictorM's advice:
I can totally believe and understand that, from his point of view, his behavior online with these girls and the naughtiness they share bears no significance whatsoever to his feelings towards you. That type of activity is very impersonal and not at all unlike visiting a strip club or watching porn -- they provide some form of sexual stimulation, but that's it.
It is, however, a mirror into his value system and his responsiveness (in this case, lack of) to your concerns and your feelings. And that is a cause for concern.
By Kaitlyn, 25, from Wisconsin:
I wrote a while back. New boyfriend, new problem... its nice that you're here for me- you single perhaps? Haha only kidding.
I recently discovered that my boyfriend of 6 months has been chatting with girls online. A little innocent chatting never hurt anyone, but they're sending very dirty pictures and exchanging very personal stories. I told him I was hurt beacuse it made me feel insufficient, and because sometimes he said nicer things to them than he ever says to me. He didn't really defend himself, or explain why he did it, only to say that he "cares about and loves me a lot, just doesn't know how to show it"... is this a BS line? He's said it to me before when I ask if he's happy with "us", I don't know if this is legitimate or if he's looking for a way out?
VictorM's advice:
I can totally believe and understand that, from his point of view, his behavior online with these girls and the naughtiness they share bears no significance whatsoever to his feelings towards you. That type of activity is very impersonal and not at all unlike visiting a strip club or watching porn -- they provide some form of sexual stimulation, but that's it.
It is, however, a mirror into his value system and his responsiveness (in this case, lack of) to your concerns and your feelings. And that is a cause for concern.
It's not all fun and pleasant
Submitted on Monday, October 06, 2008
By Alanna, 21:
It's not all fun and pleasant with "T" and I anymore.
By Alanna, 21:
It's not all fun and pleasant with "T" and I anymore.
It's starting to become REAAAALLLL and the problem/obstacle here was kinda intense.
So anyway lemme start:
... he introduced me to his lil sis ..and she's this buff girl...not pretty at all...but she has a nice ass, okay body....but she seems homo...like suuper tomboyish..., but ANYWAY...
I got good vibes from her when i first met her...but I was kind of ... well..
skeptical with why all of a sudden she's this "new" friend/sister that T's only known for a week, and why she's been going to T's house, and how T has been pickin her up or droppin her off to the ship.
He claims he's been watching out for her, like everyone else, cuz she's the YOUNGEST person on the ship. (She's 18) I talked to her on the phone on FRIDAY....and that's when she said T was washing his sheets.
ANYWAY...
On Friday, Right after T dropped me to the house, and then dropped lil sis to the ship....I noticed that his jersey and blue shorts were on the couch, and only one pair of underwear was on the coffee table...got me thinking: hmmm..did he fuck someone on the couch? Or even on the bed? is that why he wanted to wash his sheets?
But i didn't have enough evidence....there were clothes scattered everywhere because he took em all out of his sea bag... And also, in his top drawer next to his bed were 2 purple condoms CONNECTED together...he never used them. They were the same condoms in his bag the first time we went out too.... so, it was nothing really.
Well..Tonight.... we bbq'd and stuff, took pictures, and he was going to drop C to the ship..she was having drama with her boyfriend tonight.
ANYWAY... I had a hunch..i don't know. But I checked upstairs in that same drawer...
and ONE condom was TORN OFF...I was like..WHAT THE FUCK?! SOMEONE USED THIS FUCKING CONDOM!
I was like.."ALANNA.CALM DOWN..CALM DOWN....gather more shit first."
So I talked to T's roommate, and asked if anyone beside me, K, or lil sis have been to the house
He said, "nahh..not anyone." And I also asked him if he was getting laid recently, needed any condoms, and he was like, "oh hahaa...naww..." AND then...this small black guy knocks on the door, asking for T..and I go "OOHH..u gonna get LAID huh? Need condoms or something?" and he was like "oh naww...don't need that...but yea, just tell T i dropped by."
T comes in.... and i'm all GOOD and positive..asking him, "hey you ever helped out any friends with condoms and shit?"
He goes, "no....people hardly come to the house"
And then I asked him, "Do you have spare condoms at least just in case??"
T goes, "No..." and then BAM...I opened the top drawer, pulled out that ONE CONDOM still available, and threw it on the FLOOR, and told Tony to fucking EXPLAIN what the FUCK this IS.
And I told him I KNEW there were TWO condoms ... he said it probably was K and J cuz then he "Remembered" he left it there for them. (K told me it's true, T DID leave condoms there for them, but they didn't use it...besides, this was a few months ago!) And I said..NOPE... Those two condoms were there FRIDAY... It is SUNDAY.... WHY is there only one???
T said... "I don't KNOW!!!!"
Then i went into BITCH MODE... being all "oh really?" Kinda like...my attitude was like, "am i supposed to believe that bullshit?"
And T was really refraining from getting mad or yelling at me, but i KNEW he was pissed....
I was looking at his whole body language explaining himself, palms open but faced down, scratching on his toe, and when he lectured or said something, he was pointing with his index finger.... I didn't know if he was lying or WHAT. Then he started the whole shit like "You don't trust me...that's just it...You don't believe me" And blah blah... I told him he can't turn the tables right now, it won't work. and I was like "oh, so NOW you're making ME look like the bad guy???"
And he still was saying he has no fucking idea what happened to those condoms. He said that lil sis HAS took a shower in the house, and kicked back...but he has not done anything with her and doesn't even think she's worth doing.
He swore over his grandma and great-grandma's grave he doesn't know what the "Fuck" went on with the condom thing...but I gave off a vibe that i didn't believe him anyway...not saying that i DIDN'T...I gave a "VIBE"...I was just in my state of my GUARD BEING UP...WAAAYYY uuppp and super fuckin SKEPTICAL.
I went downstairs to cool down, cuz we were arguing pretty intense, and it made me cry cuz i've never seen T that fucking pissed off before, he was cussin and mad, but like.. he was holding back from getting any further and he just went quiet cuz he didn't want to argue about "something that never happened"...and then he said, "you know what...i don't want to argue with you...i'm gonna stay calm, and i'm going to sleep."
So once i left the room to go into the kitchen and cry....he followed/chased me ASAP...He went out the door,....probably thought i walked outside. Anyway, after we met up again, I decided to really see it from his point of view. (Cuz maybe this is my problem....always assumin shit.)
Then T was like he's tired of trying to prove to me things, he's tired of trying to be perfect, he's tired of trying to gain my trust cuz no matter what he will do....something bad will always happen. He said he quit smoking for me, and now he thinks it was a stupid idea.
He said he's so stressed out at work, and NOW he's gotta stress about "THIS" << pertaining to our situation tonight.
Then he said things like "Didn't i tell you that?!" or "I told you that, didn't I?"
All those things after saying he won't fuck around, that he's NEVER fucked around in a relationship and he said "You're going to be my wife...You're going to be the mother of my kids...you're my future, so why would i fuck it up?"
He was MAD...FUCKIN MAADDD.......omg....he was fucking FURIOUS...i mean, this is sweet talk right now, but he said it like he was gonna kill me! he said:
"I LOVE YOU....You're EVERYThing to ME.. I risk everything for the future I want to have with YOU... I had PLENTY...PLENTY of opportunities to fuck around... 20 girls throw themselves at me... but none of them compare to YOU. Boys on the ship call me a pussy.,,...do you know how HARD it is for someone who ONCe had a different girl every fuckin night and get it easy...to switching to where I AM now with YOU? I don't do that shit no more cuz I love you A..I want to CHANGE. I wanna be a good husband. A good father. A good man!.... And when they call me a pussy, ill admit...it gets pretty embarassing, and i can say i wish that i had done it.....but i didn't... And won't ever will... I do'nt want to fuck this up! Look I want us to be together forever. EVen after we die, I still want to be with you..."
There's MORE but my memory can only hold so much right now... He cussed a SHITLOAD, I can't even explain how much this guy was fuckin cussing and explaining himself. He said he gives me EVERYTHING, trusts me with everything, wouldn't even "pull shit like this."
MAAANNN...it was so uncomfortable for awhile, He said to me: "I KNOW you're expecting me to fuck up! I KNOW you're thinking I'm just like the rest of the guys that hurt you...I KNOW you're thinking 'just wait he'll fuck it up'....And there's NOTHING I can do about that cuz you're just gonna think like that about ME... I can't change that...so you know what? I do'nt care what you think anymore... You're not going to change your perspective on me, so I'm done trying. I love you, I'm staying with you, but I'm done trying." << and blah blah
I told him "I DO trust you...and I'm not gonna fucking look at you like other guys." he said, "No offense miha...but I'll believe it when i see it, cuz right now.... this shit you pulled proves otherwise."
And then I told tony, "So what now then??"
he was like "it's up to you..."
AND THEN....T slammed ths SHIT on my face..and this is what I TOLD HIM after the hong kong incident...and these were MY EXACT WORDS, and T used them on ME tonight: "You know what Adrienne... What you said to me, I'll say to you: If this shit ever happens again....consider me gone...I'm sorry Miha, but I can't go on if someone is gonna keep doubting me like that. What's the use of a relationship when one doesn't even trust the other? "
I was like..OH HELL FUCK NO.... Using MY SHIT!?!?!? But then I held my tongue, I didn't wanna make things worse, cuz T was obviously mad that I "accused him" of something he didn't do....and he said he hates it when he's blamed for shit that never happened.
And he was still pissed...and I was like, "Look...What can i do? You know my history with guys, and I apologize if I'm comparing you to tHEM........SO I'm the one that fucked up ok? I'm the one being stupid. I FUCKED UP, I made a mistake! What else can i do? You wanna stay mad at me? alright...so be it. But I'm sorry that i FUCKED UP OKAY???? That's all i can fuckin do right now."
I WENt into the house, got my bag, got my keys, was READY to fuckin leave, cuz Tony was basically showing no fuckin mercy, I swear, he was mad.... and I was like...I feel fuckin uncomfortable talking to him....
When I went out the door with my shit, he was like "Woah, so you're leaving?"
I said, "well it's like you dont fuckin want me here!"
he said, "DID I SAY THAT?"
I said, "No.."
And then things cooled down from there, and I guess he got a wider understanding of how and WHO i really AM.... now he knows i'm hella fuckin skeptical.....SUUUPER fuckin skeptical.
and shit.... I got a scope on a SIDE of him I've been WAITING to see.... I think our bad sides popped out tonight... but we're good now..... Shit.. I know it's gonna start to get a lot more intense than this.... I think what happened tonight changes the whole relationship... don't know if it's good or bad?
Stayed there till 1:30am tonight, and we just talked and laughed and did stupid shit before i left.
.....The condom thing though...still wondering in my mind? What should I do about it?
VictorM's advice:
Dear lord, Alanna, you're one massive drama queen, aren't you? :)
Nobody likes to be accused of cheating. And if he's bent on cheating, your drama isn't going to change that. Now, I have no clue if he cheated or not, or what happened to the one condom, but you seem more willing to trust the other guys there than your own boyfriend. That's not a recipe for success.
About the missing condom... lots of things could have happened to it. Your boyfriend using it to cheat on you is one of many possibilities. If you feel it's strong enough evidence, it's your right and you can act in a way that you find appropriate, otherwise, you should give him the benefit of the doubt.
So anyway lemme start:
... he introduced me to his lil sis ..and she's this buff girl...not pretty at all...but she has a nice ass, okay body....but she seems homo...like suuper tomboyish..., but ANYWAY...
I got good vibes from her when i first met her...but I was kind of ... well..
skeptical with why all of a sudden she's this "new" friend/sister that T's only known for a week, and why she's been going to T's house, and how T has been pickin her up or droppin her off to the ship.
He claims he's been watching out for her, like everyone else, cuz she's the YOUNGEST person on the ship. (She's 18) I talked to her on the phone on FRIDAY....and that's when she said T was washing his sheets.
ANYWAY...
On Friday, Right after T dropped me to the house, and then dropped lil sis to the ship....I noticed that his jersey and blue shorts were on the couch, and only one pair of underwear was on the coffee table...got me thinking: hmmm..did he fuck someone on the couch? Or even on the bed? is that why he wanted to wash his sheets?
But i didn't have enough evidence....there were clothes scattered everywhere because he took em all out of his sea bag... And also, in his top drawer next to his bed were 2 purple condoms CONNECTED together...he never used them. They were the same condoms in his bag the first time we went out too.... so, it was nothing really.
Well..Tonight.... we bbq'd and stuff, took pictures, and he was going to drop C to the ship..she was having drama with her boyfriend tonight.
ANYWAY... I had a hunch..i don't know. But I checked upstairs in that same drawer...
and ONE condom was TORN OFF...I was like..WHAT THE FUCK?! SOMEONE USED THIS FUCKING CONDOM!
I was like.."ALANNA.CALM DOWN..CALM DOWN....gather more shit first."
So I talked to T's roommate, and asked if anyone beside me, K, or lil sis have been to the house
He said, "nahh..not anyone." And I also asked him if he was getting laid recently, needed any condoms, and he was like, "oh hahaa...naww..." AND then...this small black guy knocks on the door, asking for T..and I go "OOHH..u gonna get LAID huh? Need condoms or something?" and he was like "oh naww...don't need that...but yea, just tell T i dropped by."
T comes in.... and i'm all GOOD and positive..asking him, "hey you ever helped out any friends with condoms and shit?"
He goes, "no....people hardly come to the house"
And then I asked him, "Do you have spare condoms at least just in case??"
T goes, "No..." and then BAM...I opened the top drawer, pulled out that ONE CONDOM still available, and threw it on the FLOOR, and told Tony to fucking EXPLAIN what the FUCK this IS.
And I told him I KNEW there were TWO condoms ... he said it probably was K and J cuz then he "Remembered" he left it there for them. (K told me it's true, T DID leave condoms there for them, but they didn't use it...besides, this was a few months ago!) And I said..NOPE... Those two condoms were there FRIDAY... It is SUNDAY.... WHY is there only one???
T said... "I don't KNOW!!!!"
Then i went into BITCH MODE... being all "oh really?" Kinda like...my attitude was like, "am i supposed to believe that bullshit?"
And T was really refraining from getting mad or yelling at me, but i KNEW he was pissed....
I was looking at his whole body language explaining himself, palms open but faced down, scratching on his toe, and when he lectured or said something, he was pointing with his index finger.... I didn't know if he was lying or WHAT. Then he started the whole shit like "You don't trust me...that's just it...You don't believe me" And blah blah... I told him he can't turn the tables right now, it won't work. and I was like "oh, so NOW you're making ME look like the bad guy???"
And he still was saying he has no fucking idea what happened to those condoms. He said that lil sis HAS took a shower in the house, and kicked back...but he has not done anything with her and doesn't even think she's worth doing.
He swore over his grandma and great-grandma's grave he doesn't know what the "Fuck" went on with the condom thing...but I gave off a vibe that i didn't believe him anyway...not saying that i DIDN'T...I gave a "VIBE"...I was just in my state of my GUARD BEING UP...WAAAYYY uuppp and super fuckin SKEPTICAL.
I went downstairs to cool down, cuz we were arguing pretty intense, and it made me cry cuz i've never seen T that fucking pissed off before, he was cussin and mad, but like.. he was holding back from getting any further and he just went quiet cuz he didn't want to argue about "something that never happened"...and then he said, "you know what...i don't want to argue with you...i'm gonna stay calm, and i'm going to sleep."
So once i left the room to go into the kitchen and cry....he followed/chased me ASAP...He went out the door,....probably thought i walked outside. Anyway, after we met up again, I decided to really see it from his point of view. (Cuz maybe this is my problem....always assumin shit.)
Then T was like he's tired of trying to prove to me things, he's tired of trying to be perfect, he's tired of trying to gain my trust cuz no matter what he will do....something bad will always happen. He said he quit smoking for me, and now he thinks it was a stupid idea.
He said he's so stressed out at work, and NOW he's gotta stress about "THIS" << pertaining to our situation tonight.
Then he said things like "Didn't i tell you that?!" or "I told you that, didn't I?"
All those things after saying he won't fuck around, that he's NEVER fucked around in a relationship and he said "You're going to be my wife...You're going to be the mother of my kids...you're my future, so why would i fuck it up?"
He was MAD...FUCKIN MAADDD.......omg....he was fucking FURIOUS...i mean, this is sweet talk right now, but he said it like he was gonna kill me! he said:
"I LOVE YOU....You're EVERYThing to ME.. I risk everything for the future I want to have with YOU... I had PLENTY...PLENTY of opportunities to fuck around... 20 girls throw themselves at me... but none of them compare to YOU. Boys on the ship call me a pussy.,,...do you know how HARD it is for someone who ONCe had a different girl every fuckin night and get it easy...to switching to where I AM now with YOU? I don't do that shit no more cuz I love you A..I want to CHANGE. I wanna be a good husband. A good father. A good man!.... And when they call me a pussy, ill admit...it gets pretty embarassing, and i can say i wish that i had done it.....but i didn't... And won't ever will... I do'nt want to fuck this up! Look I want us to be together forever. EVen after we die, I still want to be with you..."
There's MORE but my memory can only hold so much right now... He cussed a SHITLOAD, I can't even explain how much this guy was fuckin cussing and explaining himself. He said he gives me EVERYTHING, trusts me with everything, wouldn't even "pull shit like this."
MAAANNN...it was so uncomfortable for awhile, He said to me: "I KNOW you're expecting me to fuck up! I KNOW you're thinking I'm just like the rest of the guys that hurt you...I KNOW you're thinking 'just wait he'll fuck it up'....And there's NOTHING I can do about that cuz you're just gonna think like that about ME... I can't change that...so you know what? I do'nt care what you think anymore... You're not going to change your perspective on me, so I'm done trying. I love you, I'm staying with you, but I'm done trying." << and blah blah
I told him "I DO trust you...and I'm not gonna fucking look at you like other guys." he said, "No offense miha...but I'll believe it when i see it, cuz right now.... this shit you pulled proves otherwise."
And then I told tony, "So what now then??"
he was like "it's up to you..."
AND THEN....T slammed ths SHIT on my face..and this is what I TOLD HIM after the hong kong incident...and these were MY EXACT WORDS, and T used them on ME tonight: "You know what Adrienne... What you said to me, I'll say to you: If this shit ever happens again....consider me gone...I'm sorry Miha, but I can't go on if someone is gonna keep doubting me like that. What's the use of a relationship when one doesn't even trust the other? "
I was like..OH HELL FUCK NO.... Using MY SHIT!?!?!? But then I held my tongue, I didn't wanna make things worse, cuz T was obviously mad that I "accused him" of something he didn't do....and he said he hates it when he's blamed for shit that never happened.
And he was still pissed...and I was like, "Look...What can i do? You know my history with guys, and I apologize if I'm comparing you to tHEM........SO I'm the one that fucked up ok? I'm the one being stupid. I FUCKED UP, I made a mistake! What else can i do? You wanna stay mad at me? alright...so be it. But I'm sorry that i FUCKED UP OKAY???? That's all i can fuckin do right now."
I WENt into the house, got my bag, got my keys, was READY to fuckin leave, cuz Tony was basically showing no fuckin mercy, I swear, he was mad.... and I was like...I feel fuckin uncomfortable talking to him....
When I went out the door with my shit, he was like "Woah, so you're leaving?"
I said, "well it's like you dont fuckin want me here!"
he said, "DID I SAY THAT?"
I said, "No.."
And then things cooled down from there, and I guess he got a wider understanding of how and WHO i really AM.... now he knows i'm hella fuckin skeptical.....SUUUPER fuckin skeptical.
and shit.... I got a scope on a SIDE of him I've been WAITING to see.... I think our bad sides popped out tonight... but we're good now..... Shit.. I know it's gonna start to get a lot more intense than this.... I think what happened tonight changes the whole relationship... don't know if it's good or bad?
Stayed there till 1:30am tonight, and we just talked and laughed and did stupid shit before i left.
.....The condom thing though...still wondering in my mind? What should I do about it?
VictorM's advice:
Dear lord, Alanna, you're one massive drama queen, aren't you? :)
Nobody likes to be accused of cheating. And if he's bent on cheating, your drama isn't going to change that. Now, I have no clue if he cheated or not, or what happened to the one condom, but you seem more willing to trust the other guys there than your own boyfriend. That's not a recipe for success.
About the missing condom... lots of things could have happened to it. Your boyfriend using it to cheat on you is one of many possibilities. If you feel it's strong enough evidence, it's your right and you can act in a way that you find appropriate, otherwise, you should give him the benefit of the doubt.
Power dynamic different
Submitted on Monday, October 06, 2008
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
My date with that online guy will actually be Wednesday now (postponed). He is 37 which i think is a plus. I have been dating people about the same age. Would I expect any power dynamic different (I'm attracted to men who are somewhat more dominant than me and I've done well academically and professionally so it takes a certain personality)? I'm thinking guys who may even be in the same fields as the guys I've dated typically (i.e. professionals) are just a bit more stable when they are slightly older. How might the power dynamic be different? Do you think I should see any difference in dating such guys and how we relate to one another? I like the age range of 35-38 because it isn't big but hopefully there is even a benefit? What do you think? Btw I'm in Manhattan/NYC so there are actually quite a decent number of such men who have even not ever been married. It would be nice to hear your thoughts.
VictorM's advice:
A guy in his late 30's might indeed exhibit more confidence in many areas but just as a warning, that is also the age when guys start feeling over-the-hill, gaining weight on their midsection, balding, etc. For many, it's the start of middle-age, and while not necessarily a crisis for most, it may not be the cesspool of confidence that you expect.
I spend a lot of time in New York City. And I believe you about an abundance of men in the group that you refer to, but keep in mind that you have a lot of competition. The big apple is rich with attractive, independent, attractive women in your age group.
I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm just giving you some "other side of the coin" thoughts.
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
My date with that online guy will actually be Wednesday now (postponed). He is 37 which i think is a plus. I have been dating people about the same age. Would I expect any power dynamic different (I'm attracted to men who are somewhat more dominant than me and I've done well academically and professionally so it takes a certain personality)? I'm thinking guys who may even be in the same fields as the guys I've dated typically (i.e. professionals) are just a bit more stable when they are slightly older. How might the power dynamic be different? Do you think I should see any difference in dating such guys and how we relate to one another? I like the age range of 35-38 because it isn't big but hopefully there is even a benefit? What do you think? Btw I'm in Manhattan/NYC so there are actually quite a decent number of such men who have even not ever been married. It would be nice to hear your thoughts.
VictorM's advice:
A guy in his late 30's might indeed exhibit more confidence in many areas but just as a warning, that is also the age when guys start feeling over-the-hill, gaining weight on their midsection, balding, etc. For many, it's the start of middle-age, and while not necessarily a crisis for most, it may not be the cesspool of confidence that you expect.
I spend a lot of time in New York City. And I believe you about an abundance of men in the group that you refer to, but keep in mind that you have a lot of competition. The big apple is rich with attractive, independent, attractive women in your age group.
I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm just giving you some "other side of the coin" thoughts.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
He's apparently very bold
Submitted on Saturday, October 04, 2008
By Maia, 14, from North Carolina:
Hello! OK, there's this guy who's apparently very bold and keeps telling me how much he likes me, but here comes the twist: I don't even know him. He told my over the Internet on an artist's site I frequent, and for all I know, we could live in different states! He also keeps saying things like: "You are welcome sweetest of hearts. I really like you, so it's easy to compliment you." How can I tell this guy in a sweet and gentle manner than I'm not interested but I just want to be friends without hurting him?
VictorM's advice:
You could live in different states and you could also be in different age groups. His compliment doesn't sound like talk coming from a teenager. But, in any case, as long as his compliments are polite, why worry? Don't share any personal information, and whenever he compliments you, just say "thanks." Other than that, enjoy the attention and don't feel obligated to reciprocate. Most of all, don't worry about hurting him; guys aren't sensitive little flowers that fall apart at the sign of indifference. Emotional pain is mainly a chick's thing. :-p
By Maia, 14, from North Carolina:
Hello! OK, there's this guy who's apparently very bold and keeps telling me how much he likes me, but here comes the twist: I don't even know him. He told my over the Internet on an artist's site I frequent, and for all I know, we could live in different states! He also keeps saying things like: "You are welcome sweetest of hearts. I really like you, so it's easy to compliment you." How can I tell this guy in a sweet and gentle manner than I'm not interested but I just want to be friends without hurting him?
VictorM's advice:
You could live in different states and you could also be in different age groups. His compliment doesn't sound like talk coming from a teenager. But, in any case, as long as his compliments are polite, why worry? Don't share any personal information, and whenever he compliments you, just say "thanks." Other than that, enjoy the attention and don't feel obligated to reciprocate. Most of all, don't worry about hurting him; guys aren't sensitive little flowers that fall apart at the sign of indifference. Emotional pain is mainly a chick's thing. :-p
He is easy going, likes fishing, etc
Submitted on Saturday, October 04, 2008
By Chrystal, 35, from Oklahoma:
I met a guy through a dating website in March. My profile said that I wanted to move to Oklahoma and wanted to make friends there. I got a number of responses from men who appeared interested in starting a relationship. The one I liked best said he is easy going, likes fishing, etc. I visited Oklahoma in May and we spent a day together -- met his mom and dad, visited his grandmother's old property, he basically showed me all around where he grew up. We e-mailed and phoned occasionally over the summer. He always signed his e-mails kisses. One time he left off the kisses, I asked what happened to my kisses, and he said he would deliver them in person. Finally I was ready to move. He offered me a rental property next to his mother's home at a good price. He offered to come and help me drive and did. To save money on the trip, I reserved a single hotel room for each night, but with two double beds. He was a perfect gentleman throughout the trip, slept in his own bed, didn't flirt, etc. Since arriving in Oklahoma and settling in, he has been extremely busy but very helpful to me. He has not been flirtatious at all, although he smiles a lot and drops in to check on how I'm doing two or three times a day. He's planning to leave in a couple of weeks to set up a second residence in another country, then return in a few months. His mother has asked some probing questions and I know she wonders what our relationship is. I'm thinking he is just a kind friend who has done a lot for me. I'd like to think it could be more, but I'm not seeing any evidence of it. Is he just a southern gentleman, moving at a glacial pace? Or am I correct that he is behaving as just a friend (in which case it's back to the drawing board for me with another dating profile and more coffee dates. Darn.)
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you're back to the drawing board. He sounds like a good man who had some interest in you initially that might have led to romance but that interest vanished. But hey, you have a good friend, and that's a good thing. Maybe he can introduce you to some of his fishing buddies.
By Chrystal, 35, from Oklahoma:
I met a guy through a dating website in March. My profile said that I wanted to move to Oklahoma and wanted to make friends there. I got a number of responses from men who appeared interested in starting a relationship. The one I liked best said he is easy going, likes fishing, etc. I visited Oklahoma in May and we spent a day together -- met his mom and dad, visited his grandmother's old property, he basically showed me all around where he grew up. We e-mailed and phoned occasionally over the summer. He always signed his e-mails kisses. One time he left off the kisses, I asked what happened to my kisses, and he said he would deliver them in person. Finally I was ready to move. He offered me a rental property next to his mother's home at a good price. He offered to come and help me drive and did. To save money on the trip, I reserved a single hotel room for each night, but with two double beds. He was a perfect gentleman throughout the trip, slept in his own bed, didn't flirt, etc. Since arriving in Oklahoma and settling in, he has been extremely busy but very helpful to me. He has not been flirtatious at all, although he smiles a lot and drops in to check on how I'm doing two or three times a day. He's planning to leave in a couple of weeks to set up a second residence in another country, then return in a few months. His mother has asked some probing questions and I know she wonders what our relationship is. I'm thinking he is just a kind friend who has done a lot for me. I'd like to think it could be more, but I'm not seeing any evidence of it. Is he just a southern gentleman, moving at a glacial pace? Or am I correct that he is behaving as just a friend (in which case it's back to the drawing board for me with another dating profile and more coffee dates. Darn.)
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you're back to the drawing board. He sounds like a good man who had some interest in you initially that might have led to romance but that interest vanished. But hey, you have a good friend, and that's a good thing. Maybe he can introduce you to some of his fishing buddies.
He asked me out and I said yes
Submitted on Saturday, October 04, 2008
By Alanna, 14, from NSW:
I met this guy over the net and we had only just met and he asked me out and I said yes but than 2 or 3 days later I got a guy to dump him for me. Now the guy that I dumped keeps on saying "I love you and I always will." I don't want to go back out with him because it was so hard breaking up with him in the first place. I don't know what to do. Go back out with him or just be friends? I say "I love you" to him when he says "I love you" to me. Can someone plz help me.
VictorM's advice:
You don't want to hurt his feelings. That's understandable but you have to understand that boys aren't as sensitive about these things as you might think. Boys get over this stuff very easily. And he's proof of that. You broke up with him once before and did he break into a thousand little pieces? No. He continues to pursue you. In fact, he seems to have gotten stronger. So, do the boy a favor and turn him into a modern day Hercules by dropping the "I love you" response when you talk to him.
Just stay friends, greeting nicely when you see him, say "thanks" if he pays you a compliment, and say "bye" when you're done.
By Alanna, 14, from NSW:
I met this guy over the net and we had only just met and he asked me out and I said yes but than 2 or 3 days later I got a guy to dump him for me. Now the guy that I dumped keeps on saying "I love you and I always will." I don't want to go back out with him because it was so hard breaking up with him in the first place. I don't know what to do. Go back out with him or just be friends? I say "I love you" to him when he says "I love you" to me. Can someone plz help me.
VictorM's advice:
You don't want to hurt his feelings. That's understandable but you have to understand that boys aren't as sensitive about these things as you might think. Boys get over this stuff very easily. And he's proof of that. You broke up with him once before and did he break into a thousand little pieces? No. He continues to pursue you. In fact, he seems to have gotten stronger. So, do the boy a favor and turn him into a modern day Hercules by dropping the "I love you" response when you talk to him.
Just stay friends, greeting nicely when you see him, say "thanks" if he pays you a compliment, and say "bye" when you're done.
I was desperately trying to get away from him
Submitted on Friday, October 03, 2008
By Sandy, 14, from Canada:
This is kind of confusing but... I saw this one guy, who I think is smokin' cute, and found out his name is Corbin. I talked to my friend on the bus about it and this one guy named Dylan was sitting in front of us listening to EVERY word we said. He told Corbin that a girl named Sandy (me) thought he was cute. This is where it gets bad... We had a football game and he was there. Dylan grabbed and started dragging me over to Corbin while I was desperately trying to get away from him. Then I just like stood in front of Corbin and he was like "Hello." So I said "Hi." then turned to Dylan and said "You're retarded!" Then a talked to one of my friends nearby him for a little then walked away... I'm not normally shy around guys but this time I was. I saw him later that night and he didn't run away or anything and I acted totally normal. (Then again I wasn't talking to him or anything). Did I completely ruin any possibility of him liking me? If no, how do I make it not awkward? Help?! It's horrible, I'm so sad... Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Cheer up. If anything, you enhanced your chances with him because now he knows you. If he has any brain cells, he'll know that Dylan is the idiot in all of this.
The best course of action now is to greet Corbin with a smile and a "Hi, Corbin" (yes, make sure to use his name) and then keep moving. You want Corbin to know you noticed him but you want him to be the one to make a move towards you.
So, remember, smile and use his name. And all will be good in the world again.
By Sandy, 14, from Canada:
This is kind of confusing but... I saw this one guy, who I think is smokin' cute, and found out his name is Corbin. I talked to my friend on the bus about it and this one guy named Dylan was sitting in front of us listening to EVERY word we said. He told Corbin that a girl named Sandy (me) thought he was cute. This is where it gets bad... We had a football game and he was there. Dylan grabbed and started dragging me over to Corbin while I was desperately trying to get away from him. Then I just like stood in front of Corbin and he was like "Hello." So I said "Hi." then turned to Dylan and said "You're retarded!" Then a talked to one of my friends nearby him for a little then walked away... I'm not normally shy around guys but this time I was. I saw him later that night and he didn't run away or anything and I acted totally normal. (Then again I wasn't talking to him or anything). Did I completely ruin any possibility of him liking me? If no, how do I make it not awkward? Help?! It's horrible, I'm so sad... Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Cheer up. If anything, you enhanced your chances with him because now he knows you. If he has any brain cells, he'll know that Dylan is the idiot in all of this.
The best course of action now is to greet Corbin with a smile and a "Hi, Corbin" (yes, make sure to use his name) and then keep moving. You want Corbin to know you noticed him but you want him to be the one to make a move towards you.
So, remember, smile and use his name. And all will be good in the world again.
Just to end an argument
Submitted on Friday, October 03, 2008
By Nicole, 22, from Miami:
Is it ever okay to say you're sorry even if you don't mean it, just to end an argument?
VictorM's advice:
I understand the temptation to just get over things, but if you say sorry without meaning it, that argument won't end, it just gets carried into another day and fuel your anger during some other argument. If you can't resolve your differences without resorting to a lie, you simply are in a bad relationship and should get out of it.
By Nicole, 22, from Miami:
Is it ever okay to say you're sorry even if you don't mean it, just to end an argument?
VictorM's advice:
I understand the temptation to just get over things, but if you say sorry without meaning it, that argument won't end, it just gets carried into another day and fuel your anger during some other argument. If you can't resolve your differences without resorting to a lie, you simply are in a bad relationship and should get out of it.
He asked if he could come over our house for dinner
Submitted on Friday, October 03, 2008
By Sasha, 25, from Iowa:
A guy I've known all my life, but see rarely asks my daughter (10 yrs old) if he could come over our house for dinner~ while I was standing right there. He then asked her again when I didn't answer. He and the other 3 people in the room began to laugh as he says "she knew just who to ask." I replied by saying: "I try to train them well." Do you think he was flirting or trying to get the message to me?
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what his intentions were, but doesn't sound like he was that serious about the comment. If his intention was to communicate something to you, his skills leave a lot to be desired.
By Sasha, 25, from Iowa:
A guy I've known all my life, but see rarely asks my daughter (10 yrs old) if he could come over our house for dinner~ while I was standing right there. He then asked her again when I didn't answer. He and the other 3 people in the room began to laugh as he says "she knew just who to ask." I replied by saying: "I try to train them well." Do you think he was flirting or trying to get the message to me?
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say what his intentions were, but doesn't sound like he was that serious about the comment. If his intention was to communicate something to you, his skills leave a lot to be desired.
Message for HannahBanana
I read your submission with your request and replied to it in the forum using a Personal Message. If you don't know how to view your Personal Messages let me know.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Is it a bull line?
Submitted on Friday, October 03, 2008
By lisa, 25, from us:
I've been friends with this guy for a while now. We've gone out a few times, we hang out, and we've fooled around a number of times before but never had sex. We text all the time and are really flirty, however, he tells me he doesn't know what he wants. He gets jealous when I talk to other guys, but when I bring up "us" he says that he is scared to be with me because he doesn't want to hurt me because he is busy right now and doesn't know if he has the time to put into a relationship or if he wants one right now. I told him that I don't do friends with benefits so right now we're just friends. I also told him I thought that was bull, and that if he really wanted to be with me he would. He said that's not true. Is he really just scared or am I right, is it a bull line? And if he is scared, what can I do?
VictorM's advice:
Of course it's a bull line. Remarks like those always are. It's a guy's way of saying "I like you but I don't like you enough to become exclusive with you." Now, that's not to say he won't develop those feelings for you, but right now he doesn't have them.
Don't go thinking that he acts jealous because he has feelings for you. Jealousy, in a case like this, has no correlation to his feelings; it's a reflection of his insecurity and selfish needs. He doesn't want you and he doesn't want anyone else to have you. That's greed, not love.
By lisa, 25, from us:
I've been friends with this guy for a while now. We've gone out a few times, we hang out, and we've fooled around a number of times before but never had sex. We text all the time and are really flirty, however, he tells me he doesn't know what he wants. He gets jealous when I talk to other guys, but when I bring up "us" he says that he is scared to be with me because he doesn't want to hurt me because he is busy right now and doesn't know if he has the time to put into a relationship or if he wants one right now. I told him that I don't do friends with benefits so right now we're just friends. I also told him I thought that was bull, and that if he really wanted to be with me he would. He said that's not true. Is he really just scared or am I right, is it a bull line? And if he is scared, what can I do?
VictorM's advice:
Of course it's a bull line. Remarks like those always are. It's a guy's way of saying "I like you but I don't like you enough to become exclusive with you." Now, that's not to say he won't develop those feelings for you, but right now he doesn't have them.
Don't go thinking that he acts jealous because he has feelings for you. Jealousy, in a case like this, has no correlation to his feelings; it's a reflection of his insecurity and selfish needs. He doesn't want you and he doesn't want anyone else to have you. That's greed, not love.
I have caught him talking to other girls
Submitted on Thursday, October 02, 2008
By jessica, 20, from ohio:
We have been together for about almost a year now and he claims to be madly in love with me but numerous times I have caught him talking to other girls on the phone, talking sexual, and he has also been on a chatline. He says he will stop but it just keeps happening. I don't know if i need to leave him or what cause I'm afraid it will just get worse.
VictorM's advice:
If you've expressed your displeasure with his behavior and he keeps doing it, the first thing you need to do is decide if it's something you can live with and if so, stop nagging him about it. If you can't live with it, then you should leave him.
But don't go expecting the behavior to stop just because you left. Chances are that if you take him back, he'll just be smarter and sneakier about the behavior to avoid detection. And so a pattern of deceit becomes routine.
If he's not stopping voluntarily or defending his behavior (if he thinks you're out of line he should say so), which is what an otherwise legit guy would do, he has a basic character flaw. It might change as he matures, but it's not likely to change over an ultimatum. It's simply part of who he is at this point in his life.
By jessica, 20, from ohio:
We have been together for about almost a year now and he claims to be madly in love with me but numerous times I have caught him talking to other girls on the phone, talking sexual, and he has also been on a chatline. He says he will stop but it just keeps happening. I don't know if i need to leave him or what cause I'm afraid it will just get worse.
VictorM's advice:
If you've expressed your displeasure with his behavior and he keeps doing it, the first thing you need to do is decide if it's something you can live with and if so, stop nagging him about it. If you can't live with it, then you should leave him.
But don't go expecting the behavior to stop just because you left. Chances are that if you take him back, he'll just be smarter and sneakier about the behavior to avoid detection. And so a pattern of deceit becomes routine.
If he's not stopping voluntarily or defending his behavior (if he thinks you're out of line he should say so), which is what an otherwise legit guy would do, he has a basic character flaw. It might change as he matures, but it's not likely to change over an ultimatum. It's simply part of who he is at this point in his life.
Things just seemed harder for me
Submitted on Thursday, October 02, 2008
By Kate, 25, from Tampa Bay:
Victor, I am hoping you can give me a fresh perspective on a situation I am now dealing with. I dated a man for almost a year and a half. Before him, I hadn't dated much for a few years except for one short casual relationship right before him. I had been hurt in the past by an ex boyfriend and was skiddish about relationships. I told this man I did not want anything serious. No pressure, no commitment talk, etc. When I met this new man, I admit initially there were some things that turned me off, but I did enjoy his company overall. Now I see these things as major red flags. I found he could be sarcastic and nasty towards other ppl at times. My parents and family did not seem to like him. Which caused alot of conflict but I continued to see him. Over the course of our relationship...things just seemed harder for me. It seemed he was the jealous type who did not want me to do anything unless it involved him. He told me I was banned from seeing any of my male friends one on one (he since denies saying this yet we argued about it). He dumped all his friends it seemed, including female friends, and would sit home and do nothing if I wasn't available to get together (we essentially worked opposite schedules). He had many bad habits and did not take care of himself-and he is ten yrs older than me. He chain smoked and ate nothing but fast food all day long. I am a super healthy person and I was concerned for his health (he has a family history of heart trouble at a young age). He had baggage--an ex wife and kids and a huge amount of debt, credit card and child support. He claimed his ex wife was the cause of the credit cards and that he wasn't a dead beat dad--that he had been told not to pay child support until it was ordered by the state. He sees his kids, he is an OK father, but I did not like the fact that it seemed his kids never came first. He would leave his son for 12 hrs and spend the whole day with me when it was his son's weekend to spend with him. He claims his son didn't care and wanted him to spend time with me instead...but then why was his son still coming over? His one son was almost flunking out of school and he was willing to sign a paper to let him quit when he turned 16. I could not believe these things. He also asked me for money (500 bucks) shortly into our relationship (I make alot more money at my job than he did). He never had a savings account, he had bad credit and he did not own a home. I felt by his age he should have more to show for himself. Approx. 4 months into our "no commitment" relationship, he wanted to ask me to marry him according to my family. ???? It seemed this guy would never listen or respect what I asked of him...if I said, please don't call me at 8 am because i work evenings and i'm still asleep, he would call anyway and wake me up. I caught him in many white lies during the relationship..as did my mother. So I eventually broke it off with him. I know i should have done it way earlier. We started having fights about commitment...basically he admitted to me that he was hoping I would change my mind....hence why we would argue (I wasn't changing my mind). I did not see this man as marriage material. He treated me well in other ways. He would do things for me and take me places. But he was sarcastic and pushy at times. I felt he was a bit controlling too. I also felt I had to protect myself...he knows I am fairly well off financially, and i was scared of being taken and having to pay off his debts. The problem is this. Shortly after breaking it off with him I started hanging around/talking to another man. It is nothing serious. We went out a few times, talk on the phone, etc. Basically we are just friends. Well the ex found out and since then my life has been topsy turvy. His issue is that we started this up only a few weeks after our breakup. He practically accused me of cheating on him. (Which is not true). He attempted about 3 separate schemes to make this man look bad in my eyes. I don't have solid proof he was behind all three stunts but i have proof of the third. The first one was pretty scary for me and involved the police and my phone records being tampered with. He swears up and down that it was his friends who cooked up the police scheme and not him...that they were lying to him to(He has cops in his family). That his friends knew how distraught he was and were trying to help him out. Basically the stuff that is happening are things that I have never had problems with until now. Blocked phone calls (phantom caller), anonymous nasty text messages, etc. I have only a small group of friends, I am a shy person and I am fairly well liked at my job. The point being, I dont't attract conflict. My ex would never come out and say he was blaming my new friend, but he would make subtle comments that he knew I would catch on to. He went so far as to try to make me believe that my friend was harrassing him on the telephone. He would not say his name but he told me the "person" was blocking their phone number but forgot to one time..and told me 5 digits of my friend's number claiming he forgot the last few (in other words, to not directly blame him--too obvious--but plant the idea in my mind). I was able to determine that my friend did not do this--he doesn't even know my ex or who he is. I am scared and freaked out by my ex's behavior. What makes the whole thing worse--now he has started chatting with my mother and now they are best buds. He used a death in his family as an excuse to start talking to her, claiming he needed someone to talk to. Now my mother dismisses all the stuff he has done, saying "maybe it wasn't him behind it all" and saying things like "you know why he did it" (because he was in love with me according to her). My feeling is that if you love someone you don't lie and manipulate situations like this. My ex makes nasty comments whenever I do talk to him--about "my boyfriend" and won't believe that me and this guy are just basically friends. My mother calls me cold hearted and says I should keep up the friendship my ex claims he wants. She says he is only after friendship yet I say he is after blood. I hate talking to him, being around him, etc. My mother and I are now getting into terrible fights because she suddenly sees him in some wonderful light. Basically, after we broke up is when he decided to start caring about his health and to quit smoking. Her view is "see, ppl can change." Yet he played games when we were together regarding the smoking issue--hinting he would not quit unless i committed to him. Yet he easily quit after we broke up (slap in my face). She thinks I will regret breaking it off and that he treated me so well when we were together. She accuses me of dumping him for the other man yet she knows nothing is going on with him!! I love my mother, but I feel he is using and manipulating her too...he knows how close we are and prob. figures that she will influence me. I can't really confront him regarding the three stunts he pulled...with the first I did but he swore up and down he had nothing to do with it. My instincts and common sense tell me otherwise. He will not admit to any of it either way and for me to show him the proof I have would make me look bad in the process (I had to do some snooping to find it). He had been able to pull the wool over my mother's eyes and now things between her and I are all screwed up. When I tell her i am a grown adult, and I can choose for myself what I want in life, it seems to make no difference. She gets herself way too involved with my life. She refuses to believe this man is a liar...even though he lied to her too and I have proof of it. It is every complicated...my mother is overly emotional at times and I believe him calling her all the time makes her feel needed and important. I am hurt and sad that my family would not stand behind me. She has asked me to just keep the peace and talk to him as friends since we both know I can't confront him. Yet she argues with me re. how often, etc I speak to him. i have done so once since I discovered this info about him. Now she is pushing me to call him b/c he is upset re. our failing friendship. Help please!! I am ready to seek counselling I am so distraught. Even if I would like to pursue something romantic with my friend, I am fearful about what would happen. And I really like this other man....I believe he is not the lying, manipulative type I seem to attract usually. And it has come to the point that if i don't speak to my mother re. the ex, it's OK...but we still tend to get into this huge fights every now and then. This NEVER used to happen in the past..maybe a huge fight once every 2 years..now it's once every 2 weeks.
My friends are all freaked out....thinking my mother has gone crazy. My two closest friends are the only people who know the full story..they don't even want me near this man ever again. I am angry also that he is the root of so much hurt/anger between my mother and I. My mother thinks he is a good person and that he treated me well...and that what he did was reactionary to what I did to him. yet I did not lie to him!! i was upfront and honest that i wanted a casual relationship. He chose to ignore what I said and assume I'd eventually change my mind. Then it's my fault he fell in love and got hurt?? Yes I probably should have broken it off before a year and a half. I have a difficult time with break-ups. I know I'm not perfect, and i'm sure I did stuff wrong to. What should I do???
VictorM's advice:
How to deal with the guy... First, let's admit that the guy is a jerk and you did well by breaking-up with him. A guy like him wants your attention. He'll take negative attention over no attention at all. Ignore him and don't show him that you're angry. Try to be as indifferent to him as possible without being rude (being rude to him is negative attention). If he gets close enough to you to say something insulting, say: "that's not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, go right ahead." Then calmly walk away. Do not give him power over you. Don't let his words get to you.
How to deal with you mother... stop disagreeing with her. Your mother is older, wiser, and she knows better than you what's best for you. Of course that's not true but that's what she thinks. Anytime you go againt that, you're picking a fight. Your life will be a lot easier if you start accepting her judgments, no matter how wacky they are, and then tilt the conversation to something she has no control over: your feelings. "Yes, mom, I understand that you think he's [whatever good things she's saying about him] but I don't love him."
The format is: always aknowledge what she says even if you don't agree with her and then pivot back to you and your feelings, never to him or what she thinks of him. After she says good things about him, you can says things like "I see your point..." "I understand what you're saying..." "I know you want what's best for me..." these responses are not confontrational but they don't agree with her either. Then you return the conversation to something you're the expert, not her: your feelings... "but I'm not in love with him," "but I'm not happy in his company," "but I don't see us working as a couple." Always start with "I," that gives you all the power in the conversation.
Oh, and one more thing... You broke off when you had more than enough. If you had done it sooner you'd be wondering if you did it too soon. There's a reason you took your time -- to be certain of your decision. Smart girl!
By Kate, 25, from Tampa Bay:
Victor, I am hoping you can give me a fresh perspective on a situation I am now dealing with. I dated a man for almost a year and a half. Before him, I hadn't dated much for a few years except for one short casual relationship right before him. I had been hurt in the past by an ex boyfriend and was skiddish about relationships. I told this man I did not want anything serious. No pressure, no commitment talk, etc. When I met this new man, I admit initially there were some things that turned me off, but I did enjoy his company overall. Now I see these things as major red flags. I found he could be sarcastic and nasty towards other ppl at times. My parents and family did not seem to like him. Which caused alot of conflict but I continued to see him. Over the course of our relationship...things just seemed harder for me. It seemed he was the jealous type who did not want me to do anything unless it involved him. He told me I was banned from seeing any of my male friends one on one (he since denies saying this yet we argued about it). He dumped all his friends it seemed, including female friends, and would sit home and do nothing if I wasn't available to get together (we essentially worked opposite schedules). He had many bad habits and did not take care of himself-and he is ten yrs older than me. He chain smoked and ate nothing but fast food all day long. I am a super healthy person and I was concerned for his health (he has a family history of heart trouble at a young age). He had baggage--an ex wife and kids and a huge amount of debt, credit card and child support. He claimed his ex wife was the cause of the credit cards and that he wasn't a dead beat dad--that he had been told not to pay child support until it was ordered by the state. He sees his kids, he is an OK father, but I did not like the fact that it seemed his kids never came first. He would leave his son for 12 hrs and spend the whole day with me when it was his son's weekend to spend with him. He claims his son didn't care and wanted him to spend time with me instead...but then why was his son still coming over? His one son was almost flunking out of school and he was willing to sign a paper to let him quit when he turned 16. I could not believe these things. He also asked me for money (500 bucks) shortly into our relationship (I make alot more money at my job than he did). He never had a savings account, he had bad credit and he did not own a home. I felt by his age he should have more to show for himself. Approx. 4 months into our "no commitment" relationship, he wanted to ask me to marry him according to my family. ???? It seemed this guy would never listen or respect what I asked of him...if I said, please don't call me at 8 am because i work evenings and i'm still asleep, he would call anyway and wake me up. I caught him in many white lies during the relationship..as did my mother. So I eventually broke it off with him. I know i should have done it way earlier. We started having fights about commitment...basically he admitted to me that he was hoping I would change my mind....hence why we would argue (I wasn't changing my mind). I did not see this man as marriage material. He treated me well in other ways. He would do things for me and take me places. But he was sarcastic and pushy at times. I felt he was a bit controlling too. I also felt I had to protect myself...he knows I am fairly well off financially, and i was scared of being taken and having to pay off his debts. The problem is this. Shortly after breaking it off with him I started hanging around/talking to another man. It is nothing serious. We went out a few times, talk on the phone, etc. Basically we are just friends. Well the ex found out and since then my life has been topsy turvy. His issue is that we started this up only a few weeks after our breakup. He practically accused me of cheating on him. (Which is not true). He attempted about 3 separate schemes to make this man look bad in my eyes. I don't have solid proof he was behind all three stunts but i have proof of the third. The first one was pretty scary for me and involved the police and my phone records being tampered with. He swears up and down that it was his friends who cooked up the police scheme and not him...that they were lying to him to(He has cops in his family). That his friends knew how distraught he was and were trying to help him out. Basically the stuff that is happening are things that I have never had problems with until now. Blocked phone calls (phantom caller), anonymous nasty text messages, etc. I have only a small group of friends, I am a shy person and I am fairly well liked at my job. The point being, I dont't attract conflict. My ex would never come out and say he was blaming my new friend, but he would make subtle comments that he knew I would catch on to. He went so far as to try to make me believe that my friend was harrassing him on the telephone. He would not say his name but he told me the "person" was blocking their phone number but forgot to one time..and told me 5 digits of my friend's number claiming he forgot the last few (in other words, to not directly blame him--too obvious--but plant the idea in my mind). I was able to determine that my friend did not do this--he doesn't even know my ex or who he is. I am scared and freaked out by my ex's behavior. What makes the whole thing worse--now he has started chatting with my mother and now they are best buds. He used a death in his family as an excuse to start talking to her, claiming he needed someone to talk to. Now my mother dismisses all the stuff he has done, saying "maybe it wasn't him behind it all" and saying things like "you know why he did it" (because he was in love with me according to her). My feeling is that if you love someone you don't lie and manipulate situations like this. My ex makes nasty comments whenever I do talk to him--about "my boyfriend" and won't believe that me and this guy are just basically friends. My mother calls me cold hearted and says I should keep up the friendship my ex claims he wants. She says he is only after friendship yet I say he is after blood. I hate talking to him, being around him, etc. My mother and I are now getting into terrible fights because she suddenly sees him in some wonderful light. Basically, after we broke up is when he decided to start caring about his health and to quit smoking. Her view is "see, ppl can change." Yet he played games when we were together regarding the smoking issue--hinting he would not quit unless i committed to him. Yet he easily quit after we broke up (slap in my face). She thinks I will regret breaking it off and that he treated me so well when we were together. She accuses me of dumping him for the other man yet she knows nothing is going on with him!! I love my mother, but I feel he is using and manipulating her too...he knows how close we are and prob. figures that she will influence me. I can't really confront him regarding the three stunts he pulled...with the first I did but he swore up and down he had nothing to do with it. My instincts and common sense tell me otherwise. He will not admit to any of it either way and for me to show him the proof I have would make me look bad in the process (I had to do some snooping to find it). He had been able to pull the wool over my mother's eyes and now things between her and I are all screwed up. When I tell her i am a grown adult, and I can choose for myself what I want in life, it seems to make no difference. She gets herself way too involved with my life. She refuses to believe this man is a liar...even though he lied to her too and I have proof of it. It is every complicated...my mother is overly emotional at times and I believe him calling her all the time makes her feel needed and important. I am hurt and sad that my family would not stand behind me. She has asked me to just keep the peace and talk to him as friends since we both know I can't confront him. Yet she argues with me re. how often, etc I speak to him. i have done so once since I discovered this info about him. Now she is pushing me to call him b/c he is upset re. our failing friendship. Help please!! I am ready to seek counselling I am so distraught. Even if I would like to pursue something romantic with my friend, I am fearful about what would happen. And I really like this other man....I believe he is not the lying, manipulative type I seem to attract usually. And it has come to the point that if i don't speak to my mother re. the ex, it's OK...but we still tend to get into this huge fights every now and then. This NEVER used to happen in the past..maybe a huge fight once every 2 years..now it's once every 2 weeks.
My friends are all freaked out....thinking my mother has gone crazy. My two closest friends are the only people who know the full story..they don't even want me near this man ever again. I am angry also that he is the root of so much hurt/anger between my mother and I. My mother thinks he is a good person and that he treated me well...and that what he did was reactionary to what I did to him. yet I did not lie to him!! i was upfront and honest that i wanted a casual relationship. He chose to ignore what I said and assume I'd eventually change my mind. Then it's my fault he fell in love and got hurt?? Yes I probably should have broken it off before a year and a half. I have a difficult time with break-ups. I know I'm not perfect, and i'm sure I did stuff wrong to. What should I do???
VictorM's advice:
How to deal with the guy... First, let's admit that the guy is a jerk and you did well by breaking-up with him. A guy like him wants your attention. He'll take negative attention over no attention at all. Ignore him and don't show him that you're angry. Try to be as indifferent to him as possible without being rude (being rude to him is negative attention). If he gets close enough to you to say something insulting, say: "that's not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, go right ahead." Then calmly walk away. Do not give him power over you. Don't let his words get to you.
How to deal with you mother... stop disagreeing with her. Your mother is older, wiser, and she knows better than you what's best for you. Of course that's not true but that's what she thinks. Anytime you go againt that, you're picking a fight. Your life will be a lot easier if you start accepting her judgments, no matter how wacky they are, and then tilt the conversation to something she has no control over: your feelings. "Yes, mom, I understand that you think he's [whatever good things she's saying about him] but I don't love him."
The format is: always aknowledge what she says even if you don't agree with her and then pivot back to you and your feelings, never to him or what she thinks of him. After she says good things about him, you can says things like "I see your point..." "I understand what you're saying..." "I know you want what's best for me..." these responses are not confontrational but they don't agree with her either. Then you return the conversation to something you're the expert, not her: your feelings... "but I'm not in love with him," "but I'm not happy in his company," "but I don't see us working as a couple." Always start with "I," that gives you all the power in the conversation.
Oh, and one more thing... You broke off when you had more than enough. If you had done it sooner you'd be wondering if you did it too soon. There's a reason you took your time -- to be certain of your decision. Smart girl!
Friday, October 03, 2008
He puts his hand under my shirt
Submitted on Thursday, October 02, 2008
By candice, 20, from california:
A best friend and I cuddle, he puts his hand under my shirt while i'm sleeping and rubs my back. Is this normal?
VictorM's advice:
It's not at all abnormal. Sounds like an act of tenderness and strikes me as a friendly gesture.
If his hands goes other places on your body... well, that would really be even more normal. :-p
By candice, 20, from california:
A best friend and I cuddle, he puts his hand under my shirt while i'm sleeping and rubs my back. Is this normal?
VictorM's advice:
It's not at all abnormal. Sounds like an act of tenderness and strikes me as a friendly gesture.
If his hands goes other places on your body... well, that would really be even more normal. :-p
Message for Gracie, from Florida
For the sake of continuity I've posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the Visitor Comment section of your original question. Click here to read it.
He rarely ever texts me
Submitted on Wednesday, October 01, 2008
By Rachael, 20, from NY:
I've been friends with this guy since Freshman year of college (we are now Juniors). He had a girlfriend, but had always joked around and "hit" on me. They broke up last year and he still joked around and hit on me then. I finally gave in and kissed him, and since then we'd always (only) make out randomly at parties. I only started liking him this year, but I'm not sure if he just wants sex or if he actually likes me too. We don't really talk at all unless it's at a party we're at together, and he rarely ever texts me to see what I'm doing. When we do see each other, he's all over me. I haven't given into anything more than just making out because I'm unsure of his motives. What's the deal?
VictorM's advice:
The deal is that he's not into you, he just likes you physically. He's happy to take what you're willing to give, from time to time, but nothing more.
By Rachael, 20, from NY:
I've been friends with this guy since Freshman year of college (we are now Juniors). He had a girlfriend, but had always joked around and "hit" on me. They broke up last year and he still joked around and hit on me then. I finally gave in and kissed him, and since then we'd always (only) make out randomly at parties. I only started liking him this year, but I'm not sure if he just wants sex or if he actually likes me too. We don't really talk at all unless it's at a party we're at together, and he rarely ever texts me to see what I'm doing. When we do see each other, he's all over me. I haven't given into anything more than just making out because I'm unsure of his motives. What's the deal?
VictorM's advice:
The deal is that he's not into you, he just likes you physically. He's happy to take what you're willing to give, from time to time, but nothing more.
I haven't heard anything else from him
Submitted on Wednesday, October 01, 2008
By anonymous, 40, from london:
Boyfriend and i broke up months ago, stupid argument. Didn't hear anything for few months, then he started texting again. Nothing too in depth, just chat really, had i been out last night, was i going out tonight etc. having a laugh by text. Contact has become more over last few weeks, mostly every day to be exact. Last saturday he text me three times at different times off the day. Last bing after he came in from the pub (he wasn`t drunk as he isn`t a big drinker) chit chat i made remark that i was `workin` on some decorating, he replied `wish i was workin on you` we had a laugh bout this, then he said `sorry, shouldn`t have said that`, when i asked why he was sorry, he replied that it `wasn`t fair as we weren`t together` I replied saying that this was true, but that i wished that we were `together` He then text sayin he better let me get some sleep `sleep tight beautiful` this upset me as i interpreted what he had said as, it wasn`t fair, as he had no intention of us ever gettin back together, and thats why it wasn`t fair to `lead me on` so to speak.
Couple nights later i was out and by chance bumped into him in the pub. We chatted, for bout 20mins, jst chit chat, then i left to go somewhere else. On leaving him he said `it was really nice seeing you`, i said yes`yes good to see you too`.thought he was bein polite. I went to the bathroom before leaving, and had to pass by him to get out the door of pub, i just casually waved as i passed and as i was almost past him, his hand shot out and he grabbed by hand, pulled me towards him, kissed me and said again `it was really good to see you`, and again i said, yeh, great to see you too, and kissed him again on side of mouth.
My friends and i couldn`t get in to the pub next door, so just came back into the pub that he was in, on the way back from the bathroom again, i genuineley didn`t see him, and he then approached me to ask if, like him and his friends, we couldn`t get into the next door pub, and why. Chatted again, then went and joined my friends, All night he was watching what was goin on, there was two other girls, and a guy in the companey, the guy being my sisters friends casual boyfriend, but he didn`t know this. He then about an hour later came over to me to tell me he was going somewhere else, althogh didn`t know where, we chatted, he was crouched down beside me holding on to my leg tightly, asking where we were goin, and said he thought his friend wouldn`t mind giving us lift home at end of the night, i said that would be good, tho didn`t know where we would be. WHen he left me he said `was really nice seeing you, see you soon?, i just smiled then kised him.
After he left the pub i text him saying `was great to see him....he looked fab` he replied saying that i had `looked gorgeous` I didn`t text him again, and about an hour and a half later while we were in my friends boyfiends flat havin a party, he text to ask if i got home ok?, itold himthat we were at a party, that didn`t know when we were headin home, but did he want me to text when home to let him know i was safe and he said yeh. ten mins later, he text again to ask if i was still there, i said we were just headin home, and by this time i was a bit drunk, and text that i thought he was gorgeous, and wanted to kiss him. He then asked us did we want a lift home? to which i said, yeh. They came, got us ,took us home, had a laugh on way home. Dropped me off, no snog or anythin,no tryin to get into my house. i gave them both a peck on the cheek and told him it was great to see him again. When i got in i text to say that i appreciated the lift hme and wished him a safe journey. I then fell asleep. When i wakened about ten in the morning, he had sent me a text about 45mins after dropping us off, saying tat he was home, and `could do with playin with my hair` (i have longish dark hair that he loved to play with). I text back saying that i had fell asleep when i got into bed, and that the thought of him playin with my hair would have been lovley. that was monday morning, this is wed night, and I haven't heard anything else from him. what you think? What does he want? was he just being a really nice guy?
VictorM's advice:
He had a bout with his libido, and the libido won, causing a surge of testosterone, which made you the prize target of his desire. His overtly sexual tones were a clear indication of that. Eventually the testosterone level goes back to normal levels and you fade to the background
You can expect sporadic contact from him, depending on his "horniness" level.
By anonymous, 40, from london:
Boyfriend and i broke up months ago, stupid argument. Didn't hear anything for few months, then he started texting again. Nothing too in depth, just chat really, had i been out last night, was i going out tonight etc. having a laugh by text. Contact has become more over last few weeks, mostly every day to be exact. Last saturday he text me three times at different times off the day. Last bing after he came in from the pub (he wasn`t drunk as he isn`t a big drinker) chit chat i made remark that i was `workin` on some decorating, he replied `wish i was workin on you` we had a laugh bout this, then he said `sorry, shouldn`t have said that`, when i asked why he was sorry, he replied that it `wasn`t fair as we weren`t together` I replied saying that this was true, but that i wished that we were `together` He then text sayin he better let me get some sleep `sleep tight beautiful` this upset me as i interpreted what he had said as, it wasn`t fair, as he had no intention of us ever gettin back together, and thats why it wasn`t fair to `lead me on` so to speak.
Couple nights later i was out and by chance bumped into him in the pub. We chatted, for bout 20mins, jst chit chat, then i left to go somewhere else. On leaving him he said `it was really nice seeing you`, i said yes`yes good to see you too`.thought he was bein polite. I went to the bathroom before leaving, and had to pass by him to get out the door of pub, i just casually waved as i passed and as i was almost past him, his hand shot out and he grabbed by hand, pulled me towards him, kissed me and said again `it was really good to see you`, and again i said, yeh, great to see you too, and kissed him again on side of mouth.
My friends and i couldn`t get in to the pub next door, so just came back into the pub that he was in, on the way back from the bathroom again, i genuineley didn`t see him, and he then approached me to ask if, like him and his friends, we couldn`t get into the next door pub, and why. Chatted again, then went and joined my friends, All night he was watching what was goin on, there was two other girls, and a guy in the companey, the guy being my sisters friends casual boyfriend, but he didn`t know this. He then about an hour later came over to me to tell me he was going somewhere else, althogh didn`t know where, we chatted, he was crouched down beside me holding on to my leg tightly, asking where we were goin, and said he thought his friend wouldn`t mind giving us lift home at end of the night, i said that would be good, tho didn`t know where we would be. WHen he left me he said `was really nice seeing you, see you soon?, i just smiled then kised him.
After he left the pub i text him saying `was great to see him....he looked fab` he replied saying that i had `looked gorgeous` I didn`t text him again, and about an hour and a half later while we were in my friends boyfiends flat havin a party, he text to ask if i got home ok?, itold himthat we were at a party, that didn`t know when we were headin home, but did he want me to text when home to let him know i was safe and he said yeh. ten mins later, he text again to ask if i was still there, i said we were just headin home, and by this time i was a bit drunk, and text that i thought he was gorgeous, and wanted to kiss him. He then asked us did we want a lift home? to which i said, yeh. They came, got us ,took us home, had a laugh on way home. Dropped me off, no snog or anythin,no tryin to get into my house. i gave them both a peck on the cheek and told him it was great to see him again. When i got in i text to say that i appreciated the lift hme and wished him a safe journey. I then fell asleep. When i wakened about ten in the morning, he had sent me a text about 45mins after dropping us off, saying tat he was home, and `could do with playin with my hair` (i have longish dark hair that he loved to play with). I text back saying that i had fell asleep when i got into bed, and that the thought of him playin with my hair would have been lovley. that was monday morning, this is wed night, and I haven't heard anything else from him. what you think? What does he want? was he just being a really nice guy?
VictorM's advice:
He had a bout with his libido, and the libido won, causing a surge of testosterone, which made you the prize target of his desire. His overtly sexual tones were a clear indication of that. Eventually the testosterone level goes back to normal levels and you fade to the background
You can expect sporadic contact from him, depending on his "horniness" level.
Handsome grief counselor
Submitted on Wednesday, October 01, 2008
By Tawny, 39, from Southern States:
I have been seeing a very handsome grief counselor for the past 6 months. He has told me numerous times how attractive I am and has mused aloud about how all the local men must be beating down my door for a date with me. He has also asked one or two detailed questions about the contents of my sexual toy locker at home (as his eyes lit up). He has also revealed quite a bit of himself (which I am all too happy to hear) - but which a counselor isn't normally supposed to do..All of his coworkers describe him as a "nice guy" and I don't get the feeling he does this with every woman that walks through his door. I'd give my eye teeth to date this guy, but he could lose his license to practice if he crossed that boundary. Is he interested?
VictorM's advice:
He's in lust, which explains why he's not thinking straight. Men can be rational about romantic interest; it's the lust that sucks out of their heads whatever brain cells exist there.
Find another counselor if you want to consider dating him. But don't be so sure he's treating you so uniquely. I'm sure he doesn't do it with every woman; maybe just the attractive ones with sex toys. :)
By Tawny, 39, from Southern States:
I have been seeing a very handsome grief counselor for the past 6 months. He has told me numerous times how attractive I am and has mused aloud about how all the local men must be beating down my door for a date with me. He has also asked one or two detailed questions about the contents of my sexual toy locker at home (as his eyes lit up). He has also revealed quite a bit of himself (which I am all too happy to hear) - but which a counselor isn't normally supposed to do..All of his coworkers describe him as a "nice guy" and I don't get the feeling he does this with every woman that walks through his door. I'd give my eye teeth to date this guy, but he could lose his license to practice if he crossed that boundary. Is he interested?
VictorM's advice:
He's in lust, which explains why he's not thinking straight. Men can be rational about romantic interest; it's the lust that sucks out of their heads whatever brain cells exist there.
Find another counselor if you want to consider dating him. But don't be so sure he's treating you so uniquely. I'm sure he doesn't do it with every woman; maybe just the attractive ones with sex toys. :)
It's my father.
Submitted on Wednesday, October 01, 2008
By Alanna, 21, asks:
:(
By Alanna, 21, asks:
:(
i am crying so hard right now V..
it's my father.
I accidentally left my wallet in his room when i was explaining to him about things from college.
And he looked through my wallet...found this authorization letter allowing "T" to drive my car, "T's" ID, and "T's" passport picture...and my dad freaked the fuck out, thundered into my room
and yelled, and cussed, ..oh my god....
and he said that "all military" guys are the same..
and all this fuckin "u are NOT american, ur filipina! ACT LIKE ONE!"
V, i hate this so much... I'm always stuck in here, like a prison, I can't do anything...
I can't leave my other sisters.... Im not free here, and "T" gives me that freedom...
I've been so happy with him.... but my god, my DAD... ever since he looked
through my things, ... and he dug through my stuff in my room...and saw the things
"T" got me...and he saw "T" Dog tags in my room.... :(
He's suspicious that i've been seeing Tony in PERSON a lot of times.. (which is true)
but I told my dad that those times i came home late, that I "WAS"
doing my business school-shit... and that "T" is working and we only
talk on the phone and email as a source of communication.
I don't know if you understand... but MY dad's fuckin pissed off, my mom went in
and tried covering me telling him to stop, but my dad's so mad with me.
He said he doesn't "know" "T", don't know who the "Fuck" he is..
And I told my dad he met him already, at one of my competitions....but not as my boyfriend.
"T" is going to be back from underway tomorrow..and I just got an email from him, and I told "T" everything. I'm still waiting on his response.
I don't know.... I don't know..... My dad said flat out, "I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS."
But he still wants to meet Tony and talk to him about everything...
Dad went through my car, through my things...:'( I can't stop crying!!!! I feel violated, I feel so embarassed, I feel hurt....
My father scanned "T"'s picture, and the authorization letter i wrote to have him drive my car on base...... My father is just wanting to find out every single thing.
it's always been like this!!! This is why I always have to keep quiet and not tell him things
cuz i KNOW he'd just blow up....
I don't know how this is going to go down, but it's mandatory that i see "T" tomorrow
so i can give him a heads up on what my dad will say to him this saturday.
So yeah...looks like it's going to be "T's" first time going to my house...and meeting my dad.
I'm fuckin scared...my girl Kayla said "girl..ur fuckin 20...ur dad is fuckin wack. he should fuckin stop
for real. u needa get out."
But i can't....see....my sisters can't handle my dad. he's too much....too overbearing.
Too protective, too obsessive, possessive, too controlling especially......
I hope this Saturday goes well.... I reallyhope it goes well....
V...WHAT CAN I DO?? What DO I DO???
How can I have my dad calm down or something....UGH...but I can't even defend myself, he'll take it as disrespectful and he always thinks he is right. I am on the verge of actually leaving this house and going away with "T".....
What can i do V? PLEASE HELP.
VictorM's advice:
Well, A... his house, his rules. Sure, it sucks that he doesn't respect your privacy, but that's life.
This doesn't sound like the big disaster you're making it out to be, if T uses his head.
Your dad just wants to assert himself as the head of the family and T has to accept that if he wants to make your lives easier. I'm sure your dad has seen tons of times where American service men have fun with the girls in the area and forget about them when they're redeployed. He's only looking out for you. T needs to accept his authority, humble himself, and make sure he says what your father wants to hear.
it's my father.
I accidentally left my wallet in his room when i was explaining to him about things from college.
And he looked through my wallet...found this authorization letter allowing "T" to drive my car, "T's" ID, and "T's" passport picture...and my dad freaked the fuck out, thundered into my room
and yelled, and cussed, ..oh my god....
and he said that "all military" guys are the same..
and all this fuckin "u are NOT american, ur filipina! ACT LIKE ONE!"
V, i hate this so much... I'm always stuck in here, like a prison, I can't do anything...
I can't leave my other sisters.... Im not free here, and "T" gives me that freedom...
I've been so happy with him.... but my god, my DAD... ever since he looked
through my things, ... and he dug through my stuff in my room...and saw the things
"T" got me...and he saw "T" Dog tags in my room.... :(
He's suspicious that i've been seeing Tony in PERSON a lot of times.. (which is true)
but I told my dad that those times i came home late, that I "WAS"
doing my business school-shit... and that "T" is working and we only
talk on the phone and email as a source of communication.
I don't know if you understand... but MY dad's fuckin pissed off, my mom went in
and tried covering me telling him to stop, but my dad's so mad with me.
He said he doesn't "know" "T", don't know who the "Fuck" he is..
And I told my dad he met him already, at one of my competitions....but not as my boyfriend.
"T" is going to be back from underway tomorrow..and I just got an email from him, and I told "T" everything. I'm still waiting on his response.
I don't know.... I don't know..... My dad said flat out, "I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS."
But he still wants to meet Tony and talk to him about everything...
Dad went through my car, through my things...:'( I can't stop crying!!!! I feel violated, I feel so embarassed, I feel hurt....
My father scanned "T"'s picture, and the authorization letter i wrote to have him drive my car on base...... My father is just wanting to find out every single thing.
it's always been like this!!! This is why I always have to keep quiet and not tell him things
cuz i KNOW he'd just blow up....
I don't know how this is going to go down, but it's mandatory that i see "T" tomorrow
so i can give him a heads up on what my dad will say to him this saturday.
So yeah...looks like it's going to be "T's" first time going to my house...and meeting my dad.
I'm fuckin scared...my girl Kayla said "girl..ur fuckin 20...ur dad is fuckin wack. he should fuckin stop
for real. u needa get out."
But i can't....see....my sisters can't handle my dad. he's too much....too overbearing.
Too protective, too obsessive, possessive, too controlling especially......
I hope this Saturday goes well.... I reallyhope it goes well....
V...WHAT CAN I DO?? What DO I DO???
How can I have my dad calm down or something....UGH...but I can't even defend myself, he'll take it as disrespectful and he always thinks he is right. I am on the verge of actually leaving this house and going away with "T".....
What can i do V? PLEASE HELP.
VictorM's advice:
Well, A... his house, his rules. Sure, it sucks that he doesn't respect your privacy, but that's life.
This doesn't sound like the big disaster you're making it out to be, if T uses his head.
Your dad just wants to assert himself as the head of the family and T has to accept that if he wants to make your lives easier. I'm sure your dad has seen tons of times where American service men have fun with the girls in the area and forget about them when they're redeployed. He's only looking out for you. T needs to accept his authority, humble himself, and make sure he says what your father wants to hear.
He started flirting with me MAJORLY
Submitted on Wednesday, October 01, 2008
By A Girl, 20, from Somewhere:
I have a good guy friend, I also work with him. He has a girlfriend. He started flirting with me MAJORLY (touchy feely, showing concern for mylife issues, comments about making out, etc) Altough I always have had interest I would laugh it all off and ignore it because of the circumstances. So I finally come out and ask if he's serious, which he admitted to wanting to but wasn't because of his girlfriend. I told him it was weird.
Well it still didn't stop. I finally told him I was starting to have feelings and I knew it was wrong, and wanted it to...stop. He also admitted to having feelings but said nothing would happen because of the circumstances.
BUT, he still flirts the same.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
This is becoming a common theme around here recently... basically, he flirts with you because it does his ego good. Once a guy knows you like him, even if he doesn't like you back, he likes being around you because boosts his ego. And if he does it at work, it a bonus -- it makes the day go by quicker.
By A Girl, 20, from Somewhere:
I have a good guy friend, I also work with him. He has a girlfriend. He started flirting with me MAJORLY (touchy feely, showing concern for mylife issues, comments about making out, etc) Altough I always have had interest I would laugh it all off and ignore it because of the circumstances. So I finally come out and ask if he's serious, which he admitted to wanting to but wasn't because of his girlfriend. I told him it was weird.
Well it still didn't stop. I finally told him I was starting to have feelings and I knew it was wrong, and wanted it to...stop. He also admitted to having feelings but said nothing would happen because of the circumstances.
BUT, he still flirts the same.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
This is becoming a common theme around here recently... basically, he flirts with you because it does his ego good. Once a guy knows you like him, even if he doesn't like you back, he likes being around you because boosts his ego. And if he does it at work, it a bonus -- it makes the day go by quicker.
Technical question for match.com
Submitted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
I have a technical question for match.com. I have done it off and on for two years - maybe end it for 3 or 6 months and then come on. usually I don't get anybody worthwhile contacting me so I keep it as a side show and prefer to meet men in real life. there is an interesting guy who contacted me sat (37 and seems right up my alley based on what's presented) - a good amount in common. Anyway I responded to his first message on saturday and then he sent me another message on sunday late evening which I thought I responded to also. I've kept emails short and cute and respond to his email and ask a short question too. I saw it wasnt in my sent box on monday and so I decided to send a similar message and clicked to cc my email - it still wasn't in my sent box nor did it cc my gmail. it also says that the last action was him emailing me (versus me). so I'm not sure if my email went through. my acct seems to be ok again and I tested it with a friend sending me an email and me responding (the cc function worked now).
so I'm not sure if I should ask if he got my email? what do you think? I can wait a while first too of course. but it's kind of llike technological uncertainty. I don't want to seem too eager but I'm interested. Recommendations?
VictorM's advice:
I have used match.com myself and have had the same problem. I've sent emails that the other person claimed she never got, and vice versa. So there's something buggy about that service.
I suggest you send and email explaining the situation and that you just want to make sure he got the email.
One thing I did after my email problems was to start asking the women with whom I started to correspond to trade our email addresses.
By Nathalie, 31, from New York, NY:
I have a technical question for match.com. I have done it off and on for two years - maybe end it for 3 or 6 months and then come on. usually I don't get anybody worthwhile contacting me so I keep it as a side show and prefer to meet men in real life. there is an interesting guy who contacted me sat (37 and seems right up my alley based on what's presented) - a good amount in common. Anyway I responded to his first message on saturday and then he sent me another message on sunday late evening which I thought I responded to also. I've kept emails short and cute and respond to his email and ask a short question too. I saw it wasnt in my sent box on monday and so I decided to send a similar message and clicked to cc my email - it still wasn't in my sent box nor did it cc my gmail. it also says that the last action was him emailing me (versus me). so I'm not sure if my email went through. my acct seems to be ok again and I tested it with a friend sending me an email and me responding (the cc function worked now).
so I'm not sure if I should ask if he got my email? what do you think? I can wait a while first too of course. but it's kind of llike technological uncertainty. I don't want to seem too eager but I'm interested. Recommendations?
VictorM's advice:
I have used match.com myself and have had the same problem. I've sent emails that the other person claimed she never got, and vice versa. So there's something buggy about that service.
I suggest you send and email explaining the situation and that you just want to make sure he got the email.
One thing I did after my email problems was to start asking the women with whom I started to correspond to trade our email addresses.
Warm and fuzzy feeling
Submitted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008
By heather ashley, 18, from knoxville,tn:
What does it mean if a guy you are dating tells you he has a warm and fuzzy feeling about you?
VictorM's advice:
It means he likes you and he has tender thoughts about you. Basically, he likes you even when he's not getting any. Nothing more, nothing less.
By heather ashley, 18, from knoxville,tn:
What does it mean if a guy you are dating tells you he has a warm and fuzzy feeling about you?
VictorM's advice:
It means he likes you and he has tender thoughts about you. Basically, he likes you even when he's not getting any. Nothing more, nothing less.
He's not "feeling" me like that
Submitted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008
By Maria, 20, from Houston:
I thought this guy was cute, so my friend gave him my AIM. He messaged me on and off for almost a year until we met at a convention. He was around me 24/7 and would block other guys from talking to me. But at the same time he still talked to other girls and even tried to hook me with a guy he knows. Once I came home, he IMed me his number and started IMing me daily telling me he missed talking to me. That ended once my friend (ugh) told him i liked him and asked him if he liked me. In the end, we had a talk and he said he's not "feeling" me like that but he still wants me as a close friend. What I don't get is why does he IM me about every two weeks about random stuff, when he knows I'm still weird about us being friends? Is there a possibility there's still interest? Could he be treating me as a backup?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think there's serious interest but if he finds you attractive and if he knows you like him, his ego loves you. That's why he's in contact with you: to sooth his ego. It has nothing to do with feelings for you.
By Maria, 20, from Houston:
I thought this guy was cute, so my friend gave him my AIM. He messaged me on and off for almost a year until we met at a convention. He was around me 24/7 and would block other guys from talking to me. But at the same time he still talked to other girls and even tried to hook me with a guy he knows. Once I came home, he IMed me his number and started IMing me daily telling me he missed talking to me. That ended once my friend (ugh) told him i liked him and asked him if he liked me. In the end, we had a talk and he said he's not "feeling" me like that but he still wants me as a close friend. What I don't get is why does he IM me about every two weeks about random stuff, when he knows I'm still weird about us being friends? Is there a possibility there's still interest? Could he be treating me as a backup?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think there's serious interest but if he finds you attractive and if he knows you like him, his ego loves you. That's why he's in contact with you: to sooth his ego. It has nothing to do with feelings for you.
Disappearing acts
Submitted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008
By mic, 30, from CA:
I went out with a man 3 times about 6 weeks ago. He is 50 and had 2 bad marriages to drug addicts. He has been to counseling and said he wanted someone different. he called me all the time for about two weeks and then just stopped. a couple of weeks ago he called me up and apologized for not calling me and asked if we could pick up where we left off. I explained some of the behavior that had bothered me and he listened and said he understood. So we started to see each other. he called me everyday for the first week and we saw each other 3 times. the last time was this last friday. My car happened to get towed that night and I had to stay at his place for the night. we didn't have sex but we held each other all night and it was really sweet. he said he was ready to see only me and that he would like me to meet his daughter. When we left the next morning to get my car he got out 200 dollars to bail it out for me. When he was driving me home he told me that i was bringing out emotions he hadn't felt in a really long time, that he was glad i hadn't slept with him because it showed character, and that my calmness grounded him. So that afternoon i called him to tell him i had gotten my car but he didn't sound like he wanted to talk and he told me he'd talk to me later. i haven't heard from him for 4 days.
By mic, 30, from CA:
I went out with a man 3 times about 6 weeks ago. He is 50 and had 2 bad marriages to drug addicts. He has been to counseling and said he wanted someone different. he called me all the time for about two weeks and then just stopped. a couple of weeks ago he called me up and apologized for not calling me and asked if we could pick up where we left off. I explained some of the behavior that had bothered me and he listened and said he understood. So we started to see each other. he called me everyday for the first week and we saw each other 3 times. the last time was this last friday. My car happened to get towed that night and I had to stay at his place for the night. we didn't have sex but we held each other all night and it was really sweet. he said he was ready to see only me and that he would like me to meet his daughter. When we left the next morning to get my car he got out 200 dollars to bail it out for me. When he was driving me home he told me that i was bringing out emotions he hadn't felt in a really long time, that he was glad i hadn't slept with him because it showed character, and that my calmness grounded him. So that afternoon i called him to tell him i had gotten my car but he didn't sound like he wanted to talk and he told me he'd talk to me later. i haven't heard from him for 4 days.
I'd like to know if this is normal, i haven't dated in 16 years. I don't want to freak out if there is no reason to, but i don't understand why he doesn't call when the relationship is so new.
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual for guys to let days go by without calling. But he seems to have pulled these disappearing acts before. If he has no explanation for not calling, then you should worry that something is not right.
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual for guys to let days go by without calling. But he seems to have pulled these disappearing acts before. If he has no explanation for not calling, then you should worry that something is not right.
I talked to him as civilly as I could
Submitted on Monday, September 29, 2008
By Needing Space:
Hey VictorM! So there was this guy last year that was a varsity football player, kind of smart, yadda yadda yadda. He was going out with a friend of mine, but he kept acting like he was interested in me. Finally, he broke up with her and started getting seriously aggressive with his attention - he even came into my work to give me a red rose on Valentine's Day! I admit I thought about a relationship with him but I realized that I really didn't like him that way and it would be wrong to string him along. He asked me to my own Senior Ball and I turned him down flat, but then he came by work again over the summer and asked me out in front of three of my four managers! It was really embarrassing and I asked if we could talk about it later. He called me up and said he felt he had "scared" me because he just wanted to show me he liked me "a little." We talked it out and I told him I just wanted to be friends like we used to be. We saw a movie with another friend and it felt awkward but okay, and then he showed up at school as a visitor because he goes to community college in town. I talked to him as civilly as I could because he still was acting interested (even though I really like another guy). It seemed like we were okay again, but then he showed up at the football game, didn't say hi or anything and one of my friends said I was being a jerk to him! I don't know what I'm doing, but it's like I'm the one at fault again! Did I do something really wrong? Why is he acting like this? Will he ever give me space?
VictorM's advice:
You have one friend who is an idiot. Just ignore that friend and keep doing what you're doing. He'll get the message.
By Needing Space:
Hey VictorM! So there was this guy last year that was a varsity football player, kind of smart, yadda yadda yadda. He was going out with a friend of mine, but he kept acting like he was interested in me. Finally, he broke up with her and started getting seriously aggressive with his attention - he even came into my work to give me a red rose on Valentine's Day! I admit I thought about a relationship with him but I realized that I really didn't like him that way and it would be wrong to string him along. He asked me to my own Senior Ball and I turned him down flat, but then he came by work again over the summer and asked me out in front of three of my four managers! It was really embarrassing and I asked if we could talk about it later. He called me up and said he felt he had "scared" me because he just wanted to show me he liked me "a little." We talked it out and I told him I just wanted to be friends like we used to be. We saw a movie with another friend and it felt awkward but okay, and then he showed up at school as a visitor because he goes to community college in town. I talked to him as civilly as I could because he still was acting interested (even though I really like another guy). It seemed like we were okay again, but then he showed up at the football game, didn't say hi or anything and one of my friends said I was being a jerk to him! I don't know what I'm doing, but it's like I'm the one at fault again! Did I do something really wrong? Why is he acting like this? Will he ever give me space?
VictorM's advice:
You have one friend who is an idiot. Just ignore that friend and keep doing what you're doing. He'll get the message.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
He has about 10 girls chasing after him
Submitted on Monday, September 29, 2008
By Britt, 17, from California:
So there's a guy who has about 10 girls chasing after him and I just started liking him this year. I'm really insecure about "competing" against the other girls (they're totally gorgeous!) but I really like him. How do I let him know?
VictorM's advice:
A girl's looks are a plus about getting a guy's initial attention, but it serves little to keep that attention. After all, if they're chasing after him and they haven't caught him, maybe he's not interested in any of them.
The most important thing about a girl is how a guy feels about himself when he's with her. Make a guy feel good about himself when he's around you, and he'll seek your company.
So... do the following:
-- greet him with a smile and using his name (Hi, Jim *smile*)
-- pay him small but sincere compliments about physical things ("New shirt, Jim? Looks great!" "Jim, you got a haircut? I like it a lot.")
-- ask him questions about things he's passionate or knows a lot about (for example, say he likes classic rock: "So, what is it about Led Zeppelin's The Immigrant Song that makes it such a classic?") Guys love to sound smart and will go miles to talk to someone who'll listen.
And don't worry about the other girls. He won't even know they're there.
By Britt, 17, from California:
So there's a guy who has about 10 girls chasing after him and I just started liking him this year. I'm really insecure about "competing" against the other girls (they're totally gorgeous!) but I really like him. How do I let him know?
VictorM's advice:
A girl's looks are a plus about getting a guy's initial attention, but it serves little to keep that attention. After all, if they're chasing after him and they haven't caught him, maybe he's not interested in any of them.
The most important thing about a girl is how a guy feels about himself when he's with her. Make a guy feel good about himself when he's around you, and he'll seek your company.
So... do the following:
-- greet him with a smile and using his name (Hi, Jim *smile*)
-- pay him small but sincere compliments about physical things ("New shirt, Jim? Looks great!" "Jim, you got a haircut? I like it a lot.")
-- ask him questions about things he's passionate or knows a lot about (for example, say he likes classic rock: "So, what is it about Led Zeppelin's The Immigrant Song that makes it such a classic?") Guys love to sound smart and will go miles to talk to someone who'll listen.
And don't worry about the other girls. He won't even know they're there.
Water fight with this lifeguard
Submitted on Monday, September 29, 2008
By Teagan, 14, from Mississippi:
So I had a water fight with this lifeguard at the beginning of the summer and got this huge crush on him. My friends all agreed that he liked me because of the way he was splashing and focusing on me instead of anyone else. I learned his name was Peter. So I went back a few times this summer and saw him on the very last day it was open. He looked at me and then as I went under the bridge he bent down and kept looking at me. I went up and asked him if his name was Peter and he said "Yes" and he remember our water fight. I was too embarrased to say anything else. My friend said that she really thought he liked me becasue he kept staring at me. THEN one of my friend's brothers worked at the same pool but he is a senior. I asked my friend to ask his brother where Peter went to school but he didn't. I've asked him TWICE too!
By Teagan, 14, from Mississippi:
So I had a water fight with this lifeguard at the beginning of the summer and got this huge crush on him. My friends all agreed that he liked me because of the way he was splashing and focusing on me instead of anyone else. I learned his name was Peter. So I went back a few times this summer and saw him on the very last day it was open. He looked at me and then as I went under the bridge he bent down and kept looking at me. I went up and asked him if his name was Peter and he said "Yes" and he remember our water fight. I was too embarrased to say anything else. My friend said that she really thought he liked me becasue he kept staring at me. THEN one of my friend's brothers worked at the same pool but he is a senior. I asked my friend to ask his brother where Peter went to school but he didn't. I've asked him TWICE too!
So here are the questions: 1. Does Peter like me, 2. Should I ask my friend's brother, and 3. (if I do ask him) how should I ask him without sounding like a creeper? I don't like ANYBODY at my high school and I totally want to see Peter again... HELP!?
VictorM's advice:
1. You caught Peter's attention, that's for sure. But how many other girls did too? It's hard to say if you caught his attention is a more than "she's hot" kinda way.
2. Don't rely on others to get this type of information. Do it yourself.
3. Is it that hard for you to ask Peter where he goes to school? There's nothing creepy about showing interest. If anything, I bet he'd be pleased that you asked.
VictorM's advice:
1. You caught Peter's attention, that's for sure. But how many other girls did too? It's hard to say if you caught his attention is a more than "she's hot" kinda way.
2. Don't rely on others to get this type of information. Do it yourself.
3. Is it that hard for you to ask Peter where he goes to school? There's nothing creepy about showing interest. If anything, I bet he'd be pleased that you asked.
Auf Wiedersen
Submitted on Monday, September 29, 2008
By Christine, 15, from Seattle:
There is this guy at my school that I’ve been semi friends with for a year now. We were in German class together last year and we started talking and kind of became friends in that class, he is in my German class again this year and we’ve talked more. Lately he’s been acting really weird around me.
When we are playing the German Class version of Go-Fish the 2 people in the front row have to turn around and play with the 2 people in back of them he’ll look at me for a few seconds at a time and he never did it that much last year.
A couple days ago I was walking to my locker and he and his girl friend were hugging in the hallway by my locker like right behind it a few steps away. I opened my locker and I heard him say something like…. Oh I don’t know what he said but it was something about how he wanted to stop hugging or whatever.
Last Friday I was in the Training Room before the Football game for the Sports Med. Class I’m in and I came back from getting something for the Trainer and he was in there getting a new mouth guard made for football. There were 2 other people in the room besides us and he asked me to count to 90 seconds so he would know when to take the mouth piece out of a molding thing. Then after he made it, he told me to tell him when it was straight (in his mouth) he came over to me and put it in his mouth and when he was leaving and he said goodbye to me in German “Auf Wiedersen”
For Sports medicine I get to work at the Football games and be with the Football players. When ever I’m standing in front of the footballers on the side lines he’ll say hi to me if I’m standing right by him. (Which I don’t even know I’m standing by him because the guys all look the same with the uniforms on) And he calls me by my last name which I have no problem with.
In German today we had a sub so we could do whatever. He turned around in his seat and we kind of talked, then he leaned down and untied my shoe. I wanted him to tie it back up but he said he doesn’t know how too lol.
Whats going on?!
He has a girlfriend and she’s really nice AND she’s a cheerleader. But he’s giving me signs. HELP
VictorM's advice:
It doesn't matter how nice his girlfriend is, he may very well be ready for a new one.
But it's not at all uncommon for guys, specially around your age, to get lots of crushes, some of which don't last very long. Also, guys, regardless of whether they are single or not, love the attention of females, particularly attractive ones. So, don't go jumping to the conclusion that he's giving you signs.
By Christine, 15, from Seattle:
There is this guy at my school that I’ve been semi friends with for a year now. We were in German class together last year and we started talking and kind of became friends in that class, he is in my German class again this year and we’ve talked more. Lately he’s been acting really weird around me.
When we are playing the German Class version of Go-Fish the 2 people in the front row have to turn around and play with the 2 people in back of them he’ll look at me for a few seconds at a time and he never did it that much last year.
A couple days ago I was walking to my locker and he and his girl friend were hugging in the hallway by my locker like right behind it a few steps away. I opened my locker and I heard him say something like…. Oh I don’t know what he said but it was something about how he wanted to stop hugging or whatever.
Last Friday I was in the Training Room before the Football game for the Sports Med. Class I’m in and I came back from getting something for the Trainer and he was in there getting a new mouth guard made for football. There were 2 other people in the room besides us and he asked me to count to 90 seconds so he would know when to take the mouth piece out of a molding thing. Then after he made it, he told me to tell him when it was straight (in his mouth) he came over to me and put it in his mouth and when he was leaving and he said goodbye to me in German “Auf Wiedersen”
For Sports medicine I get to work at the Football games and be with the Football players. When ever I’m standing in front of the footballers on the side lines he’ll say hi to me if I’m standing right by him. (Which I don’t even know I’m standing by him because the guys all look the same with the uniforms on) And he calls me by my last name which I have no problem with.
In German today we had a sub so we could do whatever. He turned around in his seat and we kind of talked, then he leaned down and untied my shoe. I wanted him to tie it back up but he said he doesn’t know how too lol.
Whats going on?!
He has a girlfriend and she’s really nice AND she’s a cheerleader. But he’s giving me signs. HELP
VictorM's advice:
It doesn't matter how nice his girlfriend is, he may very well be ready for a new one.
But it's not at all uncommon for guys, specially around your age, to get lots of crushes, some of which don't last very long. Also, guys, regardless of whether they are single or not, love the attention of females, particularly attractive ones. So, don't go jumping to the conclusion that he's giving you signs.
Something out of grade school
Submitted on Monday, September 29, 2008
By jen, 19, from NYU:
What does it mean when a guy I don't know goes out of his way to approach me in class and ask to be my friend? I was kind of confused because it sounded like something out of grade school...we are in college. I asked "what?" he repeated himself...should i beware? Does this sound legit?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a crush on you. How cute. :)
Obviously you'll have to keep an eye on his behavior, but I see nothing wrong yet. It's a lot better that he was forward about his interest then for him to follow you around in a stalkish kinda way.
By jen, 19, from NYU:
What does it mean when a guy I don't know goes out of his way to approach me in class and ask to be my friend? I was kind of confused because it sounded like something out of grade school...we are in college. I asked "what?" he repeated himself...should i beware? Does this sound legit?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a crush on you. How cute. :)
Obviously you'll have to keep an eye on his behavior, but I see nothing wrong yet. It's a lot better that he was forward about his interest then for him to follow you around in a stalkish kinda way.
I go right back to him
Submitted on Monday, September 29, 2008
By EJ, 18, from Belize:
My boyfriend lives with another lady apart from me and I want to know what to do because every time I try to leave him, I go right back to him because I can't get over him. I try getting with other guys but i still find my heart forgiving him and after a month or so, he's back in my life. What advice do you have for me?
VictorM's advice:
Since you don't have the willpower to stay away from him, your best bet is to continue to forgive him. This way, he'll continue to lose respect for you and whenever he finds someone worth keeping, he'll stop coming back. Then you can try to make something work with someone else.
But make no mistake about it, your willingness to take him back each time only facilitates him getting away next time. Really, who wants to be with a woman who has no spine and no self-respect? Not even a lousy cheater does.
By EJ, 18, from Belize:
My boyfriend lives with another lady apart from me and I want to know what to do because every time I try to leave him, I go right back to him because I can't get over him. I try getting with other guys but i still find my heart forgiving him and after a month or so, he's back in my life. What advice do you have for me?
VictorM's advice:
Since you don't have the willpower to stay away from him, your best bet is to continue to forgive him. This way, he'll continue to lose respect for you and whenever he finds someone worth keeping, he'll stop coming back. Then you can try to make something work with someone else.
But make no mistake about it, your willingness to take him back each time only facilitates him getting away next time. Really, who wants to be with a woman who has no spine and no self-respect? Not even a lousy cheater does.
How long should it take?
Submitted on Sunday, September 28, 2008
By Karii, 20:
How long should it take for a guy to start having cum come out during a hand job? It seems like I can be massaging my guy's penis for a long time before he produces cum... Am I doing something wrong??? Should it be taking 10-15 minutes?
VictorM's advice:
There is no set time. It can take anywhere from seconds to hours, depending on the guy, and even with the same guy, lots of factors unrelated to you could affect the time, such as where you are, mood, stress level, alcohol or drugs consumed, etc.
Every guy is different. You can't take a "one approach pleases all guys" attitude. Have him show you how he masturbates so you get a better idea of how firm a grip he likes, how fast he likes the strokes, and if he likes lubrication or wetness. Some guys like heavy kissing during it, some like staring at your face, yet others just close their eyes and relax. Don't assume you know what he likes. Either ask him or try different things to see which ones get better responses. But the last thing you want to worry about is how long it lasts. Sometimes a quick release feels great, sometimes making it last feels right.
By Karii, 20:
How long should it take for a guy to start having cum come out during a hand job? It seems like I can be massaging my guy's penis for a long time before he produces cum... Am I doing something wrong??? Should it be taking 10-15 minutes?
VictorM's advice:
There is no set time. It can take anywhere from seconds to hours, depending on the guy, and even with the same guy, lots of factors unrelated to you could affect the time, such as where you are, mood, stress level, alcohol or drugs consumed, etc.
Every guy is different. You can't take a "one approach pleases all guys" attitude. Have him show you how he masturbates so you get a better idea of how firm a grip he likes, how fast he likes the strokes, and if he likes lubrication or wetness. Some guys like heavy kissing during it, some like staring at your face, yet others just close their eyes and relax. Don't assume you know what he likes. Either ask him or try different things to see which ones get better responses. But the last thing you want to worry about is how long it lasts. Sometimes a quick release feels great, sometimes making it last feels right.
I didn't communicate
Submitted on Sunday, September 28, 2008
By Carole, 21, from Alaska:
I have two babies with a man that I spent almost two years with, the problems were on both sides, I don't blame him...I didn't communicate, I let my weight get out of control with my last pregnancy, I didn't try to do things with him, he was angry all the time, calling me names. It
By Carole, 21, from Alaska:
I have two babies with a man that I spent almost two years with, the problems were on both sides, I don't blame him...I didn't communicate, I let my weight get out of control with my last pregnancy, I didn't try to do things with him, he was angry all the time, calling me names. It
just got bad. in the end he started looking for another while I was about to have my son. I don't blame him. he was looking for everything I wasn't giving him. he was drinking and doing coke every day too at the time. it's been 6 months now since we broke up, he's in arizona, i'm in alaska. i'm moving down there in a few days and I've lost 70 lbs since he last saw me...I still love him. I want him back more than anything and IM not the same person I was. I just had to realize how selfish and immature I was being, he sacrificed his life to come up here with me, he left his two older sons in arizona to make a home for all of us here...the last time I saw him he asked me if I would wait for him while he gets his kids and comes back and I said no, i shouldn't have to wait for someone to love me. he took his best friend's girlfriend and her two kids with him to arizona. he's told me he's only happy sometimes, very stressful, and he told his gramma she needed him, that she was in a bad relationship... what DO I DO??? I want my love back, I know things can be so amazing between us and I just have a feeling that it's not over. should I confront him with my feelings and how do I go about it? this girl's only been there almost 4 months, I have a longer history plus kids with him...PLEASE HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You know things can be amazing between you and this heavy drinking, coke snorting, leave his kids behind, take his best friend's girl, pickup and go between states in a whim, kinda guy? You're delusional!
You may have a longer history with him, but that doesn't mean a darn thing because the history hasn't been so pleasant. You wouldn't even wait for him to get his kids because you were so selfish.
And now you're coming back to Arizona. You have lost a lot of weight. And you say you have learned a lot. I beg to differ. If you had learned a lot you would look to stay clear of this character.
And in your new wisdom, you think he should just dump the other girl and her kids for you. OK... given all the information you provided, if you talk to him you'll probably succeed in getting him to dump her and go with you. So go ahead, let him how you feel and what you want.
If it works, the other girl will wind up the winner.
VictorM's advice:
You know things can be amazing between you and this heavy drinking, coke snorting, leave his kids behind, take his best friend's girl, pickup and go between states in a whim, kinda guy? You're delusional!
You may have a longer history with him, but that doesn't mean a darn thing because the history hasn't been so pleasant. You wouldn't even wait for him to get his kids because you were so selfish.
And now you're coming back to Arizona. You have lost a lot of weight. And you say you have learned a lot. I beg to differ. If you had learned a lot you would look to stay clear of this character.
And in your new wisdom, you think he should just dump the other girl and her kids for you. OK... given all the information you provided, if you talk to him you'll probably succeed in getting him to dump her and go with you. So go ahead, let him how you feel and what you want.
If it works, the other girl will wind up the winner.
