I am panicking. I don't know what to do. I made a mistake in my relationship with best friend turned boyfriend. I blew up at him and wanted to break up. it was very emotional, i stopped my tears and told him clearly we should separate. he begged for a second chance, crying too. NO matter what, I know that I love him as a best friend and a boyfriend, so of course i said yes. I realized i just had a major melt down and felt that things would never change, but I was too naive to notice that my boyfriend does try for me. I apologized and life went on. But i noticed just from the way he would give me a peck on the cheek or his subtle body language that something was different (I could always tell if something's wrong). Everyone told me its nothing...but i was right. He said he was doubting our relationship since the fight, but didn't know the exact reasons why. it was a feeling he just couldn't place, like the specialness was gone from the relationship, he said. But he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to break up, these feelings were present but obscure. He wanted to be together until he found out why he was feeling this way. He said if he could he would forget everything and go back to our former bliss. It's ironic because the fight started with my own doubts about us, but after the fight i realized how trivial they were. But after the fight, he took on my role and now its like he's picked up my dropped doubts! i don't want to lose him. is he serious or just going through a phase like I did?

thanks,
devastated

VictorM's advice:

Guys do address these types of incidents differently than girls. Many times, it takes one such outburst to burst the bubble and once it happens, the magic is simply gone. It's quite possible that he simply has lost romantic interest. But on the other hand, and equally as likely, he's in the process of overcoming this situation. But with guys, it won't happen overnight.

If he's to overcome what happened, you can help by doing 2 things: stop talking about this incident, and allow that for a period of time he won't be the same.

Talking about what happened just makes all the unpleasantness come back up to the surface. So stop talking about it. You admitted it was a phase, you accepted trying again, and now that's where you are. No need to go back.

Guys are very capable of getting over things such as this, but it's not uncommon for it to take some time, and for the guy to want to "punish" the girl for the way she made him suffer (if he cried, you hurt him). If you want him to get over it, you must also be willing to accept that it'll take him time to do so and that he'll keep your futures in doubt as a way of punishing you (which really is the way he'll heal and come back to normal). Don't be afraid to show him that he's hurting you (cry if you have to) because that's the quickest way for him to feel mission accomplished. Once that happens, you'll be back to normal (unless, of course, the magic spell really has been broken).

So, now, I thought everything was going okay. We've spent a lot of time alone with each other just talking and we've kissed and spent a lot of time cuddled. But I'm wondering if this is going anywhere at all. Neither of us has been in a relationship or anything close and we're both clueless at everything. I mean, we’re both very comfortable being with each other, and we’re spending a big chunk of our time with each other, where we initiate the contact an equal amount of times between us.

And today, we were talking about what this whole thing was, something that we’ve been bringing up a bit and he mentioned something about being really scared because he's afraid of commitment and doesn't know about what it'll be like now not being able to do what he wants all the time now, but the thing is, he doesn’t seem like that kind of guy at all. I mean, neither of us have been in a relationship or been kissed until each other and now I’m not sure what he means by this. Or is it that he’s like every other freshmen guy and “wants to keep his options open”? That and since he mentioned this, he’s been avoiding me, making up the most obvious excuse to leave and I just want to know what’s going on. I don’t think I’ve been clingy at all, actually, it almost seems like the other way around at times, and now with him avoiding me, I don’t know what to do at all. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

It is most natural for boys around your age to want to play the field. I bet he's feeling even more adventuresome now that the first kiss is out of the way. If he's giving you the "fear of commitment" bullshit line and he's avoiding you, he's sending you strong signals that he wants to be free but doesn't want to tell it to you straight (guys are very cowardly that way).

You have gotten your first kiss out of this. Prepare yourself ready for another step in the cycle of relationships: the breakup. Whether you like it or not, it's coming.

My question is how does a gal know if a guy is actually interested? I was asked out a few times by a coworker and we seemed to have a good time together. He calls me all the time. The problem is, seems like now all he wants to do is call. We will both have a day off...I won't hear from him until late in the day (9, 10 pm) when it's obviously too late to get together and do anything. It's been over a month since we have seen eachother outside of work. Our schedules are a bit conflicting at times, but there have beem PLENTY of opportunities. In fact one Sat. evening he called me from a carnival in his hometown to tell me all about it. He wondered why I was hurt by this (I was never invited). I am starting to feel hurt and used...like maybe he just wants a work buddy, someone to discuss things that are bothering him about our job. He has never kissed me, held my hand, or told me I was beautiful. He is a shy guy who I suspect is inexperienced. I don't believe he means to be hurtful. Is it possible he just wants friendship? Perhaps he feels nothing for me but feels obligated to still call because we are coworkers?

VictorM's advice:

Is he interested in romance? He may not be, but he could be. I mean, you never held his hand and you never kissed him, and yet you're interested in him romantically. Why haven't you held his hand or kissed him? Maybe you should consider doing it.

His reluctance to show romantic interest could be because you are coworkers, or because he isn't sure what you're feeling. And yes, it could also be that he simply wants a talk buddy. Maybe rather than act hurt or used you could be a little more proactive and move things along. It is a bit of a risk for you to do so, but if he calls you often, the odds are in your favor that he might be interested in you. After all, guys generally don't look for talk buddies.

I haven't heard from him, and, to be honest, when he was with his friends he didn't really seem too interested in me, i.e. didn't really strike up a conversation, or seem like he was interested in getting to know me, etc.

Is this guy just trying to get laid or what? Or am I just analyzing things way too much like I always do? Thanks Victor.

VictorM's advice:

I don't think much analysis is needed here. He asked you for a kiss and you let him know you're not going to be easy. And so he's basically done with you. Confirms his "player" status.

See? Guys are pretty simple to figure out, after all.

My sophomore semi formal is coming up. I'm a bit unpopular and have never had boyfriend before, but i really want a date for the dance. My only worry is that at least most guys would be embarassed to go with someone as unpopular as me. Do guys worry about stuff like that? Also, how can i get a guy to want to ask me to the dance?

VictorM's advice:

No, guys don't worry about stuff like that. Guys aren't as superficial about that stuff as girls. As long as you have healthy looking boobs, you're fine.

Seriously, as long as you think of yourself unpopular, you may have a problem getting dates. See, guys are oblivious to a lot of things, but a girl who puts herself down is a turn off. You may not be "popular", but that's not the same as "unpopular." And frankly, "popular" only appeals to the superficial jerks who care about such things. Most boys around you, I'm willing to bet, do not think of themselves as "popular," so basically, you are not different than most of them. You just have to believe that yourself.

I don't know how you make a boy want to ask you, but you start by letting people know that you want to go to the dance. If boys know you're interested in going, one might be willing to ask you.

And you may want to ask a boy to the dance yourself. Yes, I know, rejection is a fear and when it happens, it stings. But you can take this to the bank: over time, rejection is nowhere as hurtful as having done nothing. So... do something about the dance. Say something. Get the ball rolling.

Long story short, he left the country. On his last night, we had a fight because he didn't make any time to see me alone (after we hadn't seen each other for over a week because he had been visiting family) and his friends had all come over to his place to say goodbye. He did end up spending some time with me eventually but only after he knew I was upset. We also parted on very bad terms, me in tears, him walking out, not because he was angry but because he really had to leave. After he left, he didn't make any attempt to contact me. Finally I saw him online and talked to him, and he said straight away he felt really bad about how it ended. We decided to talk on the phone lter in the week to get some closure. He didn't follow up on it and I had to send him a couple of emails to tell him how important it was to me, especially because I had work deadlines coming up and I was so stressed and about to have a break down. When he finally realized it was serious on my end, he made time to give me a call. We talked for about a couple of hours and I just wanted to have him be honest, and tell me if he wanted to just move on and forget about whatever happened. He insisted that he didn't and said he wanted to stay in touch with me, and that it wasn't just a hook up etc. He had to go because of time difference, as he had to sleep. I felt alot better after talking to him, and was able to meet my deadlines on time after the emotional stress had been lessened.

Now I'm not sure what happens next though. I really like him and want to stay in touch with him. I've told him my idea of staying in touch means we actually talk on the phone and he agreed, but so far there hasn't been any effort to do so on his part. He says it'll be alot better when things are more stable because he's still trying to get used to everything including his job. However I sense that he doesn't have the same level of attraction for me any more, although he still likes me very much. Is there a way to reconnect over long distance? I've done the whole needy girlfriend thing on him way too early, and he was a gentleman about it, but now how do I save the situation? I'm thinking about backing off, and if he wants to contact me eventually he will. But is there ever a way to get back the attraction if you're not physically with each other? Also will a man give you a second chance if he feels like you've pressured him way too early and the fun is gone? I don't know if I should take it as an indication that I barely hear from him now a sign that he's just not thinking about me any more.

VictorM's advice:

You're wasting your time. Not only is he over you, but the distance and out of sigh situation will prevent will continue to push you two away from each other.

He gave you two hours out of respect or pity. He said what he had to say to not hear you cry and to not break your heart. He knew it would be a small price to pay because he's not going to keep running into you. But his actions now speak loudly about his true intentions. And come on, let's do the math here: you barely knew each other as a couple, he's in a foreign country, and you gave him a hard time before he left. What do you expect him to do? Spend his time on the phone and whack-off to the sound of your voice? Come on! Welcome to the real world. This is not like you had a solid relationship, established deep roots of love, and left longing to be in each others' arms.

Become clingier and he'll run away even more. You have no choice but to easy off -- it really is your only chance. Give him time to adapt to the new place and accept that for a while a lot of his energies will be devoted to that. And when you talk to him on the phone, make it a fun time, not a fishing expedition for whatever he's up to.

My situation-I had dated a man for almost 2 years. I broke it off with him but we continued communicating. He would tell me that he missed me often after breaking up.

A couple months later I met a man that I started dating. I really had no expectations when we started dating. He ended up being a very sweet, kind, caring man.

My ex eventually found out about my dating someone new. Not that he didn't indicate that he still had feelings for me but NOW..he wants me back. He is putting it all out there. Tells me how much he misses me, loves me and wants a future with me.

I do and always will love my ex. At times he sure can play on my emotions. I almost want to give it that one last try but I know what the outcome would be.

The new man I am dating I can see a potential for a great relationship. I am not willing to give that up.

I can see my ex giving it his all to win me back. I don't want to hurt him but I sure am not willing to give up exploring my new relationship. As a man, do you see this as a game to him? Competition? The thrill of the chase, perhaps?

The new man I am seeing, I have told about my ex and his wanting me to give it one more try. He has stated that he believes we have a great relationship in the making and asked that I not throw in the towel and go back.

I have never been in this type of sitation before. Each man is so very different. I love my ex, but probably not "in love" with him. I care deeply for him and don't want to ever hurt him. My new relationship I can see the potential for a great relationship/future down the road. I am not willing to give up this relationship to wonder down the road "what if?"

As a mans point of view..how do you suggest I deal with this? Do I need to cut off communication with my ex completely? I have told him that is where things are headed and he begs me not to end communicating with him. Knowing full well that I am exploring another relationship. What are your thoughts? Please, I need an outside male opinion and quick!

Thank you!!!

VictorM's advice:

There was a reason you and your ex broke up, right? I bet that whatever it was, it hasn't been fixed. Doing the same thing expecting different results is one of the definitions for insanity.

I know, if this was a romance novel, he'd have changed into the man you've wanted all along, but this is real life; such transformations don't really happen (not without major therapy).

I can't say if his interest is only a game, but it's possible that he realizes what he's losing. If so, it'll happen only until such time as he feels he's won, then it will revert to what it always was. But the odds that it's just a game, even a subconscious one, are very high.

End the communication. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings -- he's a grown man who can handle himself; he doesn't need you to act like his mother --and put your energy into one successful relationship.

I've known this guy for just over 10 years (since high school, we're both 25 now). Back at school we used to flirt all the time and we went to the school dance together but nothing ever happened between us. At school I had this stupid crush on an older guy and he knew about it, so I think he thought he never stood a chance. After we graduated from high school I saw him at friends' birthdays a few times and each time we ended up talking and flirting just like old times. About 4 years ago at one of these parties he spent the whole night talking to me and afterwards suggested he give me a call if one of his friends has a get together. I didn’t get the hint that he was probably after my number and again nothing happened.

I saw him again the other night at a mutual friend's dinner and it was like old times again, talking and flirting. We didn't get to spend much time alone but when I was about to leave he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a really tight hug (all he ever did before is say bye and maybe wave). During the night he asked me if I go out much and how he doesn’t have anyone to play tennis with (we played together at school). Was that another hint?

I don't know if he ever liked me but I have this feeling that he did. Is there a chance he still does? And if he does why would he never have done anything about it? Rejection perhaps, as I never seem to take the hint? He's single and I really like him. I know if I wait for him it will never happen! I was thinking to ask him if he wanted to play tennis sometimes. What do you think? I don't want to be too forward but I need to do something about this now or it will haunt me forever.

VictorM's advice:

Dear lord, Gracie, what does this guy have to do, hit you over the head with a mallet and drag you into his condo?

He's tried to get your number and ask you to play tennis. And it went right over your head. Since his questions were so obvious it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks you're not interested, so his cautious approach remains cautions. Give him a sign, a green light, for crying out loud! Pick up the phone and call him. Now! Stop reading. Call him!

There's something called a "memory imprint," which is a way of us many years later still operating under the same impression as a long time ago. In this case, in high school, you liked someone else and he never thought he stood a chance. That's the imprint. He's still operating under that imprint, hence his cautious approach with you. But he likes you. He really likes you.

By the way, his technique of asking is what I often suggest to people who are afraid of rejection. That is, offer the opportunity to have the other person volunteer their company (or phone number) without asking for it specifically. He and I must have read the same book. :)

I've met the sweetest guy in the world and I've let him know that I really like him. At first he let me know that he might be interested in me, but he has an ex he's not over yet. I get confused because I'm always getting mixed messages from him and I have no idea what's going on. One day he's flirting with me and the next it's like we're friends. What's going on in his mind?

VictorM's advice:

You don't know what's going on because he doesn't know what's going on. One day he thinks he wants his ex, the next he doesn't want her and you take the spotlight. It's part of the process of getting over her. He simply isn't ready for you yet.

So take his flirting lightly and don't put too much stock on it until the dust on his ex settles down. No need to avoid him at all. In fact, you could help him along, just know that the turmoil will continue and that he may even decide to give her one more try.

Just don't think that if he really liked you he should be over her just like that. It doesn't work that way. Before you can enter his system, he needs to purge her off. And that takes time.

That email led to a bunch of other things, and I am now really good friends with his ex-girlfriend. All she wants is real closure from him, just for him to say it to her face I guess. She will not get the hints he's been giving/dropping her (ie: avoiding her, not calling her at all, not responding to emails).
"T" and I have been official since JUNE.
He said that before him and I met, he told his ex that they both still loved eachother, wanted to marry, etc....but he doesn't know why his ex doesn't "get the picture".

And I'm thinking the reason why his ex is holdin on is because they had that conversation right BEFORE we met (which was on June). Now I can understand why she would hold him to that.

I have talked to "T" about it, and he says he wants nothing to do with her, and does not want to talk to her. His ex claims she still loves him, and has told me things that "T" had already told me about his past. She seems like a real sweetheart, but "T" says she's a liar and it's an act. I'm wondering what else I can do to help "T" just talk to her, and give her the closure that she wants. He said he doesn't want to deal with the "guilt-trip" his ex may put him through, and knows she'll end up "crying", and he knows she'll keep asking him "Why this" and "why that".

Is it common for men to suddenly "stop" or "avoid"? I don't get how "T" can talk to his ex about love, marriage, a future..and then 2 weeks later, begin a relationship with me and suddenly STOP talking to his ex?? He told me he loved me right after a month we were official.
It is now September... and he hasn't stopped treating me like a queen or as a "love on steroids" like you've said before hahaha.
I'm still waiting on his treatment to subside to see if he's really in love with me.

What do you think of this, V?

VictorM's advice:

Well, A, if you're really good friends with his ex-girlfriend now, T is fucked! :)

Seriously, it doesn't matter how sweet she sounds to you now; she can be an angel to you and a mean mother to him. My advice: do NOT get involved in their mess! It's not your business and you really shouldn't listen to her side too much because you're never going to get the truth anyway. Stay out of it.

Look, I don't have the best vibes about T. He sounds too over the top, too soon. But that aside, I understand where he's coming from about his refusing to talk to his ex.

This female notion of needing closure, is, from a guy's standpoint, utter bullshit! A girl only says that because she can't handle the fact that the guy is no longer interested in her. Girls become like the 4-year-olds that can't stop asking "why?" Women will keep asking for a specific reason when most of the times there is no specific reason. When someone falls out of love with another, it's very hard to explain why that is; most of us don't know why, we just do. But women will insist till we say something concrete so they can say "I'll change that."

A woman's "lack of closure" is simply another way of saying, "I can't let go of you." Claiming to want closure is a device to hold on to hope; it is not a method of getting at the truth. She knows the truth -- the guy doesn't love her anymore! There! That's the truth! That should be closure. But no... Instead, we get a barrage of why, why, why. And so... guys simply run away from that maddess.

Yes... T might do the same to you if/when your time comes. :-p

(To all the women who have sought closure... I know there is more to it from your side of the story. Please keep in my I'm trying to give Alana an idea of how her guy might be thinking about it, not passing judgment on your side of the equation.)

He bought me a cellphone for my birthday present and took it to work w him on a regular basis, but always left it w me or gave it to me whenever i wanted it or needed it. however in the past couple days he refuses to simply hand it over and says he needs it for work, which i understand. when i do get it every call and every text is always erased. he has also been disappearing after work for odd periods of time and often lies to me about what he is doing (he told me once he was on his way home from dropping off his brother and then stopped at a bar instead). when i questioned him he became angry and claimed that i kept him on a "short leash", when in fact he does go out quite regularly and my request for his return was only for him to help me while i did a few chores, which he never had a problem with before.

he had begun hanging out with a friend from work and since then his attitude toward me and his family has soured. he is still affectionate to the baby but my attempts for "attention" recently have been shrugged off, while just a week ago our sex life was great. His moods run hot and cold, where one second he talks to me normally and the next he is rude.

i have tried to ask him what is going on with him and he always says "i'll tell you later" and then refuses to say anything. i am becoming very bitter and angry now and don't like feeling this way as i love him a lot but am not willing to stay with someone who suddenly doesn't feel the same. i am unsure if it's seeing how his new friend lives and being envious or if we did something wrong by expecting him to come home and spend time w the kids like he always did in the past. he went on a trip w this friend aswell and refused to answer any calls (his mother and i both tried to call but the phone was turned off). when he came home he told me he couldn't hear the phone and later showed me pictures he had taken w the phone, which i asked "you can pictures but you can't answer it?". he just growled.

his new attitude is very frustrating and i am not the type of woman to put up w it for long. should i continue to try to reach him or cut my loses and move on? it is a sad though given our past and our children, especially the baby who is very attached to him, but i need my free time too and simply can't imagine life where i'm at home everyday and night while he works and then parties. i appreciate his hard work, but i can do it alone if i have to, so please give me some insight!

VictorM's advice:

He bought you a phone as a gift but he's the one using it? Huh?

Anyway... while his behavior sounds suspicious enough, I'm in no position to tell what he's up to. However, while it sounds like you have a legitimate beef, you've become a nag about it, and have made it unnecessarily worse.

It is not unusual for guys to have periods of rebellion, much like teenagers do. Going off with a friend, for example, is such an act. It is often a necessary distraction in order to stay sane the rest of the time. Unfortunately, many couples don't realize and/or accept that a vacation, or even an occasional holiday, from each other is a very good thing.

You would get much better results if you encouraged him to have fun in a situation like when he went away with his friend, instead of pestering him over not answering the phone. Frankly, there was a reason he went away. Phone calls are annoying as hell and he simply didn't want to deal with it. And I bet those calls were about nothing too.

A world when he gets back and you say: "Did you have fun?" and "wow, those are nice pictures", and "I'm so glad you're back" and give him a kiss, would be a much more successful world than one where your snide remark about the phone rules the day.

The man needs his occasional space -- try to give it to him as a gift, something you do because you love him and it makes you happy to see him happy, not something to whack him over the head about later.

Of course, you should try to negotiate some time off for yourself as well. And for your own damn phone!

I have 2 questions. What do you do when you accidentally shoot a guy down (I think it was minor but I am worried; it may have destroyed his idealized version of me); and what do you do when the "playing hard to get" that works so well with guys becomes hard to do because of a brush with death?

I was in a serious car accident 4 years ago and almost died. It took surgery and rehab, but I am well and strong again. I had to be very courageous and I learned how precious life and relationships (all kinds) are. This makes it hard for me to do the flirting stuff when I care about someone. I KNOW that life can end, and that you want to tell people you care while you can.

There is a guy now whom I suspect has had a crush on me for a while; we have been friends but I've always sensed a kind of attraction from him. I care a lot about him, and benefited from his respectfulness and support during our professional degree program.

Recently he seemed to be showing more openly a new level (or kind) of interest, and I definitely responded to it -- altho so far it was all unspoken. I was letting things unfold. But I seem to have lost everything now; and I think it has to do with my being too "real." 2 things happened, and I'm wondering what can I learn? And what can I do?

I accidentally got angry in a situation in a way that I think he had never seen me before -- I was indignant about a procedural situation at a place we both volunteer (not this guy's fault, altho I think that's what he took from it). I did apologize, but every new apology now just digs the hole deeper. He has totally changed since then -- seems to be acting out in ways to hurt me -- to show his discourtesy, even be mean in a juvenile way. It's almost a little boy's response of lashing out at me. I think he had always seen me as very competent, sweet, and very admiring of him (a good combination, right?) and this one time I blew it by letting my reaction govern me. (I know I'm human, but I don't blow up often - and I think we liked each other because we are both very gentle people).

But, what's worse, in the course of my apology, I said things like I'm saying to you -- that I know life is precious and what is important is to tell people they matter, and that I would be sorry if I had lost his trust and confidence in me. Either I got too real, or I made it about a more universal love than a flirty set of possibilities w. him.

Was it that moment of shooting him down - of possibly bruising his ego? Or was it my switch from flirty possibility to genuineness about caring about him that changed everything? I was not courageous enough to say that I cared about my connection to HIM - I phrased it as the importance of being genuine with (all) the people in my life.

Whatever I did has cut off not only the new romantic possibility but also the friendship itself. (He knew about the car accident, but I'd seldom talked about how it affected me). I can tell he's acting out - he normally would not try to hurt me. (He's re-creating past experiences we shared that were really nice, and changing his part in them so that I see him be chilly and cold and hurtful in comparison to those earlier times). it really is hurtful! Like he is trying to disown the friendship - or ALL of his feelings toward me!

I cannot tell if I've been not intense enough, or too intense. I can tell I have to back way off, so I can't even ask him.

Is there any way to fix this? Did I ruin it? I am deeply upset to lose this man's care and presence in my life. I had felt real love for him - but after so serious an experience as the accident, it's like, love itself is important to me. I cared about HIM, whether or not we were friends or something else. I could have done either; met him where he was (and keep a circle of friends and activities to keep my own life healthy).

Any advice for fixing it, or avoiding such things with men in the future? How do I learn to be both flirty and hard to get AND honor the life and death experience I had? Thank you --

VictorM's advice:

From all that you wrote, I'm going to assume that he took your outburst personally. I'm willing to bet on it. This being the case, his ego was bruised and when a man's ego is bruised there's only one way to heal it: inflict pain on the person who caused the bruise.

Neither all the apologies in the world nor a show of strength and determination are going to satisfy him because in neither case do you bleed. He wants to make you bleed (figuratively speaking). It is this characteristic about males that leads to wars (picture George Bush on ground zero with the megaphone saying the terrorists would hear from us), and when guys get in a heated argument they 'go outside' and punch each other to a pulp. We have a need to inflict pain on those who hurt us before we can heal ourselves.

So, what do you do? It's simple. You say his behavior is hurtful. Let him know that. Show him that he's hurt you. Cry if you have to (in fact, a good cry, real or acted, would be perfect). Unless and until you show him that he's caused you pain, he will not be satisfied; show him that he's succeeded and he'll get over the incident and the cycle starts again, where he wouldn't think of hurting you.

But there's something else you MUST do: you MUST stop apologizing for your outburst. You have done that already. It's enough. To continue doing it is opening up his wound all over again. Do NOT bring up that incident again. Stay focused on the fact that you're now hurt (which his mind will process as "success" and allow him to heal himself).

If he brings up the other incident himself, just say "it's no reason for you to hurt me now." He will either say "you're right" and you both will move on, or he'll say: "yes, it is" in which case your reply is "well, you have succeeded. You have hurt me." Bingo! That's what he wants to hear.

As for your life and death experience and how to live your life, it's important for you to realize that while the auto accident has affected you and how you think about life, it has had no impact on the other 7 billion people on the planet. You can't expect others to feel about things the same way you do. Most people will laugh, and flirt, and play games because to most of us, that's what life really is all about. We all know we could die at any moment but most of us chose to believe that we won't. So we don't have to live our lives in perfection; we have time to screw-up and make amends. Enjoying each and every day includes the possibilities of mistakes, of saying the wrong thing, of correcting our mistakes, of moving on.

So Callie... flirt, play hard to get, break some hearts (trust me, they won't die. As the song says: "A heart without pain his allow") -- it's all part of the human experience. Yes, you could die tomorrow... but you probably won't.

While the two of us were hanging out I hinted at the fact that I liked him in a playful harmless way. After I hinted this he said, "I'm not ready for love" and I was very brave and I said back to him, "That was a very nice way of letting me down easy." We were very quite and then he said, "But don't think that I'm totally against love"----what does this last response even mean? What is he saying to me?

The day after this we hung out normally and went to classes and had some dinner. After this we all decided to hang out in a common area and there was another guy there (who is my friend). I began chatting with the other guy and after awhile the guy that I like said he had to take a call and left. Later I went back to my room and he came to my room (it was the first time he had come and found my room). Strangely we spent 2 hours lying next to one another on my bed all cuddled up just surfing the net and doing random stuff. He said he had to leave and I hugged him. I implied that I wanted to kiss him, and he said I could kiss him if I wanted to. I said I didn't want to kiss him unless he wanted me to and he said maybe next time.-----what does this mean? maybe next time? did he want me to kiss him or was it out of niceness??

please help me i'm clueless!!!!!!

VictorM's advice:

Hey, when I was working in the DC area, I drove to UVA to see a men's soccer game there. My neck was hurting from looking around at all the attractive female students there. The idea of getting stuck with just one girl when there are so many around sounds like lunacy to me. Of course all that changes when you think you found The One, but otherwise, it's all fun and games and the more the merrier.

It's safe to say he doesn't think of you as The One. At least not yet.

So... flirting with you? Fine. Hanging out with you? Fine. Having some physical contact (cuddling)? Fine. Kissing (meaning some sort of first step into romance?) Not yet.

Also, your clear signs that you like him only serve to slow him down. Basically, you're a "sure thing" and he need not hurry.

VictorM's advice:

Of course he likes you. If you've noticed him, it's not a coincidence. But that doesn't mean he'll do anything about it. He may need a little push. Start saying Hi to him. Oh, and next time your eyes meet, just smile.

He really likes porn. I've known this from the beginning. I would never demand he stops watching it because I know that would just lead to him lying to me and our relationship ending over distrust. I even enjoy watching porn, alone. My issue is coming to terms with WHY guys like porn. There's that part of me that is really insecure and I sometimes feel like he really wished he could be with someone who looks like a porn star. But, because girls that look like porn stars aren't that easy to find, he's settled for what he "can get." I am a pretty girl, probably even a beautiful girl. But I'm no porn star (I've don't have breast implants.) Am I being ridiculous? Does he wish he could be having sex with those girls but he's settling for me? I'd really like to get to the point where we can watch porn together, but I know I'm too insecure to do that at this time. Just when I think I'm getting over this huge insecurity something knocks me back down. For example, he asked if I would ever be willing to give him head while he watches porn. What?!! That makes me feel like he wants to look at other girls and pretend like they're really the ones giving him head because they're so much sexier than I am. Help me out, I can't tell if my worries are legitimate or if I'm being crazy.

Oh, and by the way...we have a very active, great sex life.

Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Oh dear lord... you women are nuts when it comes to porn. :)

The notion that guys may not like you anymore because you don't look like someone else that he may like is so absurd that I have a hard time understanding why you don't understand that. Come on, ladies, be honest with yourselves: does every celebrity you like look like your guy? Do you only find other men who look just like your guy attractive? Of course not!

Men watch porn for the same reason that women read trashy romance novels and watch those despicable British movies like Pride and Prejudice or Atonement (gag!!!) -- for pure fantasy! You like to have your romantic nerve endings soothed, and we like the physically of pure sex. Even if you can only relate to romance trash, please allow yourself to accept that men get equal satisfaction from porn. To you, the hero is a bad boy turned good, to us, it's a babysitter, a nurse, a cheerleader, the twins, etc. getting drilled.

If you've seen the movie Little Miss Sunshine (if you haven't, do!) think of the VW bus. Early into the movie, it needs to be pushed down a hill to start. Well, porn is like that little push. That's all! Porn isn't the van, and porn isn't the ride, and it isn't the destination. Porn is just the push that gets it going.

Men are also very bored with the same porn clip. Once they see it once of twice, they need to move on to the next one. Again, men do not get emotionally attached, they need variety for the porn to be any fun. And so, they accumulate all kinds of material, some of which they watch because it's a turn on, some of it because they're curious. And so a guy winds up with teen sex, animal sex, she-males, gay sex, etc. It's nutty to think that just because a guy views that type of sex that he'd want it. Just as nutty as to think that only a serial killer can enjoy Silence of the Lambs.

Normal men, just like normal women, have wild imaginations. It starts since we're little with the "One upon a time..." stories, and it continues with Batman, Superman, James Bond, etc. Normal men can tell the difference between their fantasies and their real life. As long as you feel your men are normal, give them a little more credit. Fantasies are fantasies and neither you nor them fantasize with every day people, doing everyday activities. Fantasies are bigger than life and so the women in the porn can't be your every day average women performing normal, everyday type sex, just as our idea of James Bond can never be your balding, big belly, guy next door type.

Men, unlike women, are not comparison shoppers. You go to the mall and have to try a dozen blouses before you buy one, looking for the one thing that makes your choice better than the others. Guys buy the first one that fits and they leave happy. You two ladies are the women that fit. They're happy with their choices. It his their happiness with you, and their ability to fantasize sexually (with the porn) that makes your sex lives so good. So, don't spoil a good thing! (And Mary, giving him a blow job while he watches porn is not any difference than you wearing a new, sexy babydoll -- they're just devices to get the juices flowing).

I had a relationship with a guy that i was totally into....and he...apparently into me! And that ended 7 long months ago, due to a stupid disagreement by text message!..I doubted him!

I'm ashamed to say, as a fairly sane female, that I did 'pester' him with text messages for the first month or two. Knew i should not have done this, but just could not help myself. I was so hurt that he could not even give me 5 minutes of his time to sort out what happened!

However, after he text me to ask `how i`d been` i asked him to go to a wedding with me..he couldn`t!..surprise! I completely left him alone..no more messages!

4 and a half weeks later, the guy text me askin if i enjoyed the wedding?..i was brief..yeh i did! and asked how he was, how was his health? He replied about this and another couple of txts regarding him and his health probs, then he asked `did i get a date for the wedding?`...I told the guy the truth, that no , i didn`t, jst basically had fun!...chit chat ensued. nothin else.

2 weeks later, the guy began textin me with funny text jokes, which i replied to...jst laughin etc..or a funny! Over the last 3 weeks this guy has been textin every alternate day..justa `funny`..sometimes `chat`...`was i out lst night?` etc and over the last week...i`ve heard every day from him! Him textin me one day!...me textin him the next! Last Fri... i heard first thing in the morning...and then he text me at 1am on the sat morning when he was out (in the club he knows i go to.....my local club)...he lives 50 miles from me bye the way!...to say he was there and it was total crap!!....I was in bed and text him back to say so, and that i wished i had known he was up my direction! He is till texting me....i think he is interested???? what you think???....but why the friggin hold up in just asking to see me for a drink???....your infinite wisdom and thoughts..

VictorM's advice:

I don't know why he hasn't asked you out for a drink, but I wouldn't be too quick to think that his text messages are a reflection of romantic interest on his part.

Men, in general, hate to be thought of as the "bad guy." It's possible that all the jokes and such are simply an attempt by him to be removed from one woman's shit list.

About 1.5 years ago, I was friends with a guy but not close friends as such, just friends in general. We didn't meet up very often, but after I got him to know him a little he would call me a lot just to talk, see how my day was etc etc. I think its fair to say that at that point I had a bit of a crush on him (and had for a while before I actually knew him) but I didn't intend to act on it, partly since I thought "As if he'll ever like me anyway", him being the popular charming guy that all girls go gaga over, so I never took my feelings seriously. So after a couple of months, he tells me one day "I think I have feelings for you.." and followed it up with a lot of sweet nothings. I was stunned to say the very least, and left speechless. The poor guy tried bringing it up again throughout the span of the next month during which I avoided the question, just happened to be busy (in all honesty) and was just confused. A friend or two at that point told me "I don't know if he really likes you..are you sure he's not a player". Now I'll admit I'm gullible, but I'm not stupid.. and although he definitely may come across as being flirtatious, I feel I got to know the real him, and as flashy as he may appear on the outside, he’s just as simple and sincere on the inside.

Contrary to all this (which I realised later perhaps) I wasn't really up for a relationship at that point, and due to family matters I told him how it was..and it really had nothing to do with him at all. I would’ve said no to any guy right then. I was totally honest about my situation and did indicate my feelings but don't know if he caught on. Things went awfully silent for 6 months and I would occasionally text him to see how he was, and he would in turn reply, and rarely text me himself. All the calls stopped and understandably so. But I couldn't help but feel bad for shutting him out like that, if I did? I made attempts to stay in touch though, not very successfully.

So fast forward to a year later (now), we do talk every now and then and he has opened up a little more in the sense that he takes a bit more initiative to stay in touch, and a few months ago he randomly asked me "So, are you with anyone at the moment?" to which I said no (coz I wasn't) and awkwardly asked him "and u?" Him: "Naa neither" I don't know if him asking that indicates anything, or whether it was just out of pure curiosity? Maybe you know Victor. I don't even know what question I was going to ask you after all of this, I think it just feels really good sharing this all with a guy other than my friends who's view would be a lil bias in their opinions anywho. But yeh, what do you reckon? He sometimes says things which hint to me that he is still interested, but I could easily be misinterpreting. Whether he likes me or not, I do want him to be a friend, coz he is a great guy and I just wish him happiness and we've had some great moments together. Do you think it's possible? Do guys usually back down (and never come back) after a girl hurts their ego of is she simply isn't ready for a relationship? He just totally disappeared after I talked to him, and I didn't want that to happen at all. Any idea what was running through his mind? Or what might be now? Would a guy want to keep friendship with a girl he once liked? (I highly doubt he still does.. it's been a good while since then) It just ticks me off why things never turn out right, but hey that's life.

P.S. Things with the other guy (my good friend), if you remember hopefully, are great. Back to normal, joking around, being our usual selves. It's awesome! and thanks for your pointers, from those I think he's happy keeping me as a friend for now, but he hasn't given up as he keeps on dropping subtle hints. Or so I think. Thanku!

VictorM's advice:

Hey, Sunshine is back! (Good to know the developments from your prior question).

For someone who didn't know what to ask, you sure asked a lot of questions. :-P

In a nutshell... the guy still likes you but he's not likely to want to bring it up directly because he got shut down before and his ego got bruised. When that happens, the normal reaction by a guy is to inflict pain on the person who hurt him. He did so by staying away from you for months and by not initiating much contact. This is actually a mild response. Most guys would actually be cold to you, or, well.. read below.

His question is no coincidence. Guys don't ask that question just to chit-chat. He still likes you, and will stay close until such time as you have a boyfriend or he finds a girlfriend.

Now, if you make yourself available to him, don't be surprised if he turns you down (this is follow-up to the "read below" comment) so he can hurt you in the same way you hurt him (I know, guys are pesky creatures).

Thanks

VictorM's advice:

I think most men find such women annoying. It's not because they come across as desperate, but most guys prefer to work for the woman's attention, even if the guys don't realize it.

When you're too accommodating you play right into most men's emotional laziness. It's too easy to take you for granted and to get into a pattern of taking, taking, taking and not giving.

When it comes to relationships, most men are like children -- we need discipline. Women who are too nice and too accomodating either drive guys away or they're stuck with brats.

So, I want to know, can a guy change if he finds the right girl to date? Will my friend ever stop being such a slut if I show more interest in him?

VictorM's advice:

Any guy, given the right environment, will want to get around until he finds the right girl. I'm doubtful, however, that you're such a girl. Just because you have developed feelings for him it does not follow that he has developed feelings for you. If he had, well... you wouldn't be just a casual hook-up and he wouldn't behave in such a way as for you to call him a slut.

By the way, if you're afraid of getting hurt you'll never be much of a girlfriend. To be happy in a relationship you have to open up your heart and be passionate about someone, and that leaves the door wide open for hurt.

This has been going on for 11 months and then about 6 or 7 weeks ago, he started to change.
He wouldnt call round when he said he was going to, or not arrive until late. We would be happily planning a trip out somewhere and then the next day he would turn up so late that the plans we had made had to be abandoned. He wouldnt text me or phone to say why he couldnt make it. I wouldnt be able to contact him because his mobile would be switched off (or he would tell me that he had left it somewhere, where he couldn't hear it).

When I asked him what had happened he always seemed to have some plausible reason and I couldn't be sure if he was making it up. He said he gets a bit air headed sometimes and that I will just have to put up with this part of the way he is. I have asked him twice now, if he wants to end the relationship but he just laughs and says No, or we are fine as things are....I am not sure I trust him anymore.

This week he hasn't turned up at all and only texted me twice. Two days ago, I decided to call round to his house. He was painting a picture, was alone and seemed very preoccupied, hardly wanting to speak to me. He said he has a lot on his mind at the moment and that our relationship is fine....but I know he is not being the man that I knew at the start. I told him that I still wanted to be his friend and support him if he has any worries...but he said it's OK I will have to accept him the way he is. He then sort of ushered me away from his house quickly and made very little eye contact with me and told me he would come round and see me the next day.

I left his house, feeling so churned up and ill, because I love him dearly and feel like he is hiding things from me. Yesterday I waited for him to come round and he didn't turn up. I was physically sick, through the hurt and heartache I am feeling. It feels so sad and wrong and I really do not want to break up but I am not sure how I should progress with him. I have thought deeply about ending it with him but I don't think either of us are wanting this.

He was the one to do most of the chasing in our relationship from the start...its just recently that I have tried to go and see him or phone him more. I am a very independent and hard working lady. I have a good set of friends and most of the time I am very happy but this is eating away at me.

Would you trust his behaviour? Do you think there is more to this than he is saying? Do you think I should just leave him for a few weeks and not get in touch? I know he had affairs when he was young and married but now he is 63 and told me that he would NEVER do anything to hurt me and that he has never felt like this before about any woman. I am lost...please help.

VictorM's advice:

First, a few things you have to remove from your head:

-- Telling you that he'd never hurt you... he may have meant it when he said it, but those words have no staying power and they're not binding.

-- What does him being 63 years old have anything to do with cheating? Cheating knows no age limit.

-- "never felt like this before about any woman" reflects a current state of mind, it's not a promise to last a lifetime.

I have no idea what's up with him. He could be facing worries (medical, economic, aging depression, etc.) that he hasn't shared with you. It's very common for men to want to solve their own problems without relying on a loved one. But at the same time, if he's not willing to share what's bothering him, you have two problems: one, having a partner who doesn't involve you is not very rewarding, and two, it leaves you to speculate the worst possible alternatives.

Is he acting as he is because of the guilt that he cheated on you? It's possible, but frankly, given the alternative possibilities, it is rather untrustworthy of you to assume that, so don't.

Don't try to assume the reason for his behavior. Instead, focus on what you do know, and that is that he's become distant and not the man that you want to share your life with. Tell it to him that straight. And then, walk away. Focus your time on work and friends.

As a woman you want to "mother" him back into your life. You want to be there and be his friend and help him any way possible. And all that will simply drive him further away. He's 63. The last thing he needs or wants is a mother.

Will he come back and be the man you knew? It's hard to tell but I wouldn't count on it. Whether he's keeping things to himself as a matter of personality or guilt for some misdeed, you're not his priority any longer.

I have since found that that they are no longer going out. I really would like to try again with this guy but am not sure what is the best way. I never did express my feelings last year as I wanted to seem as if I didn't really care. Any advice?
Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

I suggest you keep your feelings to yourself for now but stop pretending you don't care. You like him, so make an effort to have that dinner date again (but make sure he didn't stop seeing one girl and started seeing another).

I see nothing wrong with sending him a note saying that you heard he's single and that you are mighty hungry, having waited a year for dinner.

VictorM's advice:

I suppose it depends on the promise. Sometimes people plan to do something with the best of intentions and it just can't happen. Sometimes people say "I promise", only to mean, I'll do my best.

If this is the first broken promise, you might let it slip, particularly if you have made your displeasure perfectly clear. But do keep your eyes open for him making false promises. This type of irresponsibility will not bode well for the success of your relationship.

Story:

I went to a bar with a couple of my guy friends. Saw a group or better yet a guy across the bar sitting with his friends. Got the courage to go talk to him and sat down and had a conversation. He entered my phone number in his phone and said call him later to see what he was doing. So I did and he went to another bar, so I follow (like a dumbass anyways). Met up and met the rest of his friends, he asked if I want to hang out some more at his apartment with his friends and drink. Well, got back to his apartment, no friends and no drinks. By this time I was drunk and needed to sleep. So I went to sleep, woke up and just started talking in the middle of the night. We talked about one night stands and he didn't want a one night stand or a booty call, and I believed him. Basically, one thing lead to another and it went on for the rest of the night until late morning.

So, next thing happen he told me to call him to see what he was doing later that night or day. So I texted him to see what was happening, he said he was out with the guys. He came up to me at the end of the night and I did see him with his guy friends asking what I was doing the rest of the night. I told him nothing so once again I went over to his place hung out and again it happened all over again, this time longer. Now the thing is he kept saying he had until Thursday off. So I texted him like 14 hours later to see if he wanted to go to a movie, he replies maybe. And I told him well if he had something better to do then I really don't care, I was just inviting him. He then said he had a football game he wanted to see at 7. Next, he never called me back or texted me after that. So the next day I have two free tickets to a suit to watch a boxing match. I sent him a message asking if he wanted to go he was all about it. And then asked when is it? I said this weekend, and he replies I have to work I'll be back next weekend: (side story: he works in a different area from where he lives and travels alot) So I got confused and stated to him I thought this wasn't a one night stand and I need to know if there is going to be anything else. I'm not putting him on the spot but I need to know if I'm wasting my time, or if I am a weekend fuck buddy... My problem is I'm very direct and open. I know that it's not considered great to have sex on the first anything but oh well, i'm not worried about that, I look at sex completely different then most. My thing is I think he doesn't look at it the way I did. I may have scared him off with being to forward but oh well, I say what's on my mind and I hate I have too but it drives me nuts if I don't. So my question really is if i should give it a few days and if no response at all just drop it and leave it.

So what do you think?

VictorM's advice:

I think you're scaring him, with your texting, invitations, and demands to know where you stand.

When he said he didn't want a one night stand, I think he meant with the girl he wants to be in a relationship. Once you were so accommodating, not once but twice, I think you became a weekend fuck.

Thanks for your advise.

VictorM's advice:

Two things I'd like you to keep in mind:

1. To most guys, they value their sense of worth by their work. His problems at work or being out of work don't just impact his finances, it impacts his sense of self-worth.

2. Guys generally like to solve their problems on their own. Running to a loved one as a shoulder to cry on is not on our DNA. That he doesn't come to you is no indication of his feelings for you.

Currently, your guy feels mighty small, even smaller around you, hence his need for distance.

Now, his last minute cancellations show a lack of respect for you and may be indicative of how he runs his life on a personal and professional level, which might explain his problems elsewhere.

Be understanding of his need to solve his problems on his own, but do not overlook red flags that indicate a pattern of behavior that lands him im problems, and may in turn, be a constant in your relationship. If, however, you feel this his recent behavior is out of the norm, you may want to exercise patience and leave him alone for a while.

I love my boyfriend for his personality, and for how we just have so much in common. He adores my son and i love that about him... he's a great father figure, and i would love to have his children.... the problem is...

Honestly, he is letting himself go, and i am seriously having a hard time looking at him! i don't ever get turned on by him, or crave being with him sexually...but our sex life is amazing.

Here are the problems i have: he has a dead tooth in front that is VERY distracting to me and everyone...it looks horrible and ruins every picture we take. He has horrible acne and bad deep pock marks. He has gained 20 lbs (only on his stomach it seems) and he must have forgot what clippers or scissors are because he no longer grooms "down there". I have expressed my feelings to him, and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do some grooming "down there" without saying it bluntly to hurt his feelings. I have written him a letter explaining my feelings about how he always says he will go to the gym, or go to the dentist, but never does. Makes me feel like i'm not worth looking good for, and i am a very attractive woman...but am losing my self confidence because of this. I don't even have the desire to try look good anymore because it almost looks odd if i look amazing and he looks so rough. I have bought him facial products, told him i would go to the gym with him...and nothing. he still hasn't done a thing.... i'm almost embarrassed to be seen with him in public. i do love him for everything he is on the inside, but im beginning to get very depressed over the fact that he is so unattractive. I wish i were exaggerating...but i'm not. Thing is, he has an amazing high power job where he meets people face to face everyday..and he still doesn't care. He has the money and time to fix these things easily (and they are easy fixes). He just won't...then when i bring it up, he snaps and says i'm all about looks (knowing full well i'm not). he always tells me i make him feel an inch tall when i tell him to get his tooth fixed, or get skin care products....what do i do?? this isn't fair to me at all. i try to look my best at all times, and even after i wrote him that letter, he has done nothing.... i don't want to leave him, but i cant go on like this...what do i say?? he's not an ass, loves me dearly and would never leave me, in fact we have gone ring shopping, and plan to be married...what do i say? do? help!

VictorM's advice:

As with addictions and habits, if the desire to change doesn't come from the person with the issue, you're mainly wasting your time. As the saying goes, you can take the horse to water but you can't make him drink it. And if your boyfriend still isn't getting it, you're indeed in a difficult situation.

But it sounds like to me that you're being weak when dealing with him on this issue. You're allowing him to frame the issue in a way that doesn't reflect your views. This isn't about his looks; it's about his disrespect for your feelings. You need to reframe the situation so the burden to change is on him, not you. Every time he blows the dentist appointment, he's blowing your feelings off. Every time he skips the gym, he's saying your feelings don't matter. If he doesn't take pride on himself, he's in essence saying your opinion doesn't matter. Why would any woman on her right mind stay with this guy?

Will you reframing the issue make a difference? Probably not. That's because the ultimate sign of strength is you exhibiting the determination to leave him over his disregard for your feelings. And you should consider it seriously. The truth is that your boyfriend falls short of your ideals in important ways. And he's only likely to get lazier and more careless with your feelings as time goes on.

Would you have problems leaving a guy with good qualities if he's also a drug addict? Physically abusive? Dishonest and corrupt? Chances are that his good qualities wouldn't be enough for you to stay in a relationship with such a guy. Why is this any difference? For all his good things, he has bad qualities (namely his disregard for your feelings) that will make you a very unhappy woman. What other reason do you need to move on? Life is too short to settle on man who is only half as good as you'd like.

Thank you x

VictorM's advice:

You visit him as often as you wish and he visits you as often and for however long he wishes. What makes you think that the wishes have to match exactly alike for there to be happiness in the relationship?

Guys can live happy and productive lives when we're away from loved ones, hence the appearance that we don't care as much. So don't turn this into a contest of who visits the other the most; make it about it being quality when you are together, regardless of you called the meeting.

I have already asked a question, but this one is more recently. See all through middle school this guys pretty much ignored me but since last year he has been nice to me.

Like for insince last year he complented me on a report, and for running the mile when I was the last person to finish.

Last Friday he was talking about how the study hall we are in was the "slow" study hall and the only smart one is the only girl Jenae.

Also when we had to get everyone's name for this class he goes "Jenaeeee, whats happenin'?" in a Fonzie sort of way. So why is he all of a sudden had a change in heart? Some people think it is maturity, some think he likes me, but personally I think it might be that his mom said something to him because supposedly she liked me when she met me.

VictorM's advice:

Boys around your age become aware of girls at difference ages. It usually happens later than most people think. Sure, they can be little horny toads earlier, but many times they're just imitating the older ones or trying to be cool. It's not unusual for them to show a real interest in girls a little later.

I doubt very much that his mom liking you is what's fueling his interest in you. My guess is that he's just recently realized that you've got boobs and he's seeing Mrs. Cunningham in you (it is no secret Fonz had the hots for the old lady).

I started school last Tuesday and in my math class there's this guy who I really like. I knew him before school started from around town, but now I want to really get to know him. I have talked to him online a couple of times, but I think he might think of me as stalker-ish. There's a dance at the end of September, and by then I want him to like me enough to want to go with me. What can I do to get him to notice, then like me?

VictorM's advice:

First, you have to understand that "stalker-ish" is a girls' concept. Guys don't think like that (unless they really, really hate you). Most guys would be happy and proud if a girl shows interest in them. So drop the idea that he thinks you're stalker-ish -- I'm sure he doesn't.

Be nice to him, smile and greet him by saying his name ("Hi, Jim"), and when applicable, pay him short and sincere compliments, preferably about him physically ("New shirt, Jim? Niiiice!") and smile.

Perhaps, you remember me last year, broke up with boyfriend and have a new baby. Now baby and I are settling down in this country. Apart from on line dating, where can I find single men around my age in western country? It looks like every male 25+ has partner or married. Thanks

VictorM's advice:

Walnut! Of course I remember you. I hope you and the baby are doing fine.

What country do you mean when you say "this country"?

Anyway... my advice is for you to join activities that you enjoy. This way, if you meet men, you have at least one common interest to start with, and if you don't anyone special, at least you spend your time doing something that you like.

For example, I love movies, so after my divorce, when I was looking to date, I joined a movie club. I never met anyone there, but saw some great movies and enjoy great discussions about movies (we met once a week).

VictorM's advice:

I actually think he knows the etiquette all too well. He's treating you as just friends for now. Not saying there couldn't be more -- he clearly enjoys your company -- but he's being very good at dictating the pace. Smart fella.

Now, him and I still carry on a relationship similar to the one we had while we were together. We are ending phone conversations with "I love you" and parting ways with big hugs. He calls me every morning to make sure I get to work, and we always say good night to each other after him or myself get off the phone to our kids. He has admitted that he still has feelings for me and that he will always love me, but he sticks to saying that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and that he wants to work on himself. I have more recently begun to change my feelings about the relationship from wanting to be with him to now wanting this divorce done and over with. I have so realized that I miss HIM, not the relationship, but HE is not coming back. I have also recently begun actively talking to other men, going out on dates and such, and just detaching myself from my soon-to-be-ex husband in general. My attitude and behavior has changed...and he has noticed. Over this past weekend he snooped the address book in my phone and saw the number of men in it. He didn't flip out, BUT, he was SO bothered by it. While he did tell me several times it didn't bother him, he constantly made comments about it while I was with him. He also snooped thru my text messages, which didn't make him very happy. He came of very jealous, which again, I found funny for someone who said he didn't care. He told me that it was always going to bother him me being with other people which makes no sense since he has a GF. The following Monday we both took our daughter to school-he came with me to get my car registration (odd for him), and we sat in my car in front of his house for about 45 min just talking and hanging out. We didn't talk about anything "deep", but he repeated to me that we were stuck with each other and that neither one of us was going anywhere from each other's lives. He added that he's told his GF that many times to which she doesn't really like to hear. He mentioned to me that it's the times that we get along that he misses me the most. I came back that afternoon to hangout at his house with him and the kids, and to my surprise he called me that evening after I had gotten home to talk. It was only for about 30 min, but usually it seems like the sooner he can get off the phone to me the better, so that was shocking. I liked getting along with him like we did, but I'm now confused by his behavior. It's not that he's now acting completely different, but I did see changes in him since I have become a little more distant. However, now it's back to the same old thing. He is acting so distantly like he doesn't care. It's only my luck that as soon as I don't give a crap, he starts to change his attitude, even if slightly!

I'm sorry this has been so long--I only wanted to give you about as much detail as I could. The whole point of this is that I'm not sure how to take all this. He acted very jealous like I said, but when I asked him to say something to me about it, I only got silence, even tho he continued with his comments referring to me dating other people. I don't know quite how he feels...one moment it seems he's into me again, only for him to become distant once more. I know he is confused, but I'm just not sure what to say or do. I would like to make things between him and I work, but I unfortunately know things have been almost completely destroyed. It would take A LOT of work on his end, but I just know it's not going to happen. I would like to ask him to talk about how he feels and all that crap, but I'm almost sure he wouldn't open up, and I don't want to make him think I want to make things work again if he doesn't want to(been there and done that several times making myself look foolish). I've always thought that couples who divorce do so because they've gotten to a point where they don't want anything to do with the other, or because of infidelity, and they would usually be happy to see their old mate with someone else and not themselves. It doesn't make sense that he wants to divorce if we are still carrying on a relationship similar to the married one we had. And yes, we are still sleeping together...

VictorM's advice:

Without commenting on any chances of a reconciliation, I'll do my best to explain his behavior, which by the way, is very consistent with most males' behavior in situations like this.

No, most men do not wish to say their ex-wives with other men. The reason? Their ego. Even if he hated your guts, his ego wants you to want him and to be miserable without him. So, your ability to so soon go out with other men is a blow to his ego.

He's getting sex from you without the some responsibilities he had before as a husband and full-time father, and he's getting sex from his new girlfriend (as well as a place for his dogs). Why should he want to change that deal? Sounds pretty good to me and I'm sure it's a sweet deal for him. As a man, he doesn't have to be in love with either one of you to enjoy the sex, so it's all good.

When a relationship breaks-up, often one love may want to still see the other in spurs. Some people interpret that as a desire to get back together. Not so, in many cases. Often people just have a hard time letting go of the routine, and the process of coming back from time to time are really just small steps in getting away. Sorta like having a cigarette when you're trying to quit smoking.