I don't feel like having sex. It's been months like this. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, I love him, he's great, I find him attractive too. It's just that I have no desire whatsoever. I don't even fantasize about anything or anyone, that's why I know my boyfriend isn't the problem. If I felt something about someone or something in general (like watching a movie or a very hot guy) I'd think it's him. But truth is my mind is off sex. How could it be off sex?!??! I don't get it.

This is really tearing my relationship apart and I'm really worried Victor. If he didn't love me as much as he does he'd be done with me by now, he thinks he found in me the girl to spend the rest of his life with and frankly I found that person in him too.

As I said... it's been months... More than 6. And the worst part is that in the last 2 months it started to really hurt (having sex) and I have nothing wrong going on (my Doctor tested for everything). Any idea why this might happen??!?!

I know this question isn't really your expertise, it'd be easier to ask you why he doesn't feel like having sex instead of why I DON'T (being a woman).

Anything would help!!! Maybe if some of the girls read the post might have something to say. Thanks for the time, as always =)

VictorM's advice:

More than 6 months without wanting sex? Huh? Whatcha you talkin about Willis?

I really wish I could help but you're right, this is out of my league.

Maybe some of the ladies can offer a suggestion (please use the Visitor Comments section below to offer your ideas. Thanks).

Ok, at first, just want to say thank you so much for doing this... who else could I ever go to?

I've read several of the past submissions to get advice, and it seems that a common thread is that guys often feel really passionately/strongly for a couple/few weeks and it eventually has to die out because it has been built up too much, or it isn't a reality... so I have two questions:

1. If you are the woman in this situation, how is it that you can get one of these guys whose interest has fizzled to rekindle in a more realistic way?

2. How can you positively respond to a guy without it getting to a point that he is so into you that it inevitably has to fizzle and he just stops calling or wanting to see you?

I'm asking because I recently (and out of the intense pressure from a friend who was already doing it) signed up for one of these online dating services. I developed an intense IM chatting relationship with one of the guys for a couple weeks; he couldn't get enough. We had our first date, he still wanted to chat all the time. Then we went to a party together, both got a little drunk, and we kissed a lot (that's all, no clothing removal of any kind). Then he canceled 2 dates in a row, and never tried to schedule another one, even though he kept trying to chat online, and telling me I am beautiful, great girl, etc. and he had "something" going on in his life, being the reason he wasn't trying to see me (I didn't ask, he offered that up). I hate to think that just because we both were drunk or because we kissed, I "gave away" too much and caused him to lose interest--I'm almost 30!!!

VictorM's advice:

Thanks for your kind words. On to your questions:

1. Once the magic dies, it's very hard to get it back. If the guy simply lost interest, you're not going to get him back. If he distanced himself because he's afraid things are going too fast, your best bet is to stay away, ignore him, be friendly when you see him, but do not go out of your way to see him.

2. How a guy responds is not your responsibility. You should behave as you see fit in a way that's normal to you, and what happens after that is not under your control. But, the advice I give all the time is: play hard to get. By that I don't mean play mind games, I just mean keep a certain distance from the guy and allow for the passage of time before you invest too much energy on the guy.

By the way, he didn't cool off just because you "gave away"; he cooled off because getting physical was one step closer to a steady relationship than he was bargaining for. Many guys feel obligated to a girl once sex, or even kissing, has taken place. So he backed off.

This guy seems more in love with himself as an online Don Juan than he ever was with you. If you're interested in getting him back, make him work for your attention.

Funny how you twice used the word "intense". You signed up for an online service after "intense pressure" from a friend, and your IM chatting became "intense." That suggests to me that you succumb too much to the opinions of others and wind up doing things that are contrary to your normal instincts. Resist doing that.

Have one guy friend...we enjoy being together, talking, etc. We really click. He pays MUCH more attention to me than the other guys combined. BUT, he says he is just being friendly and if he were interested in more it would be obvious. I really do believe him, but I don't get why he's so much more attentive to me than the others.

What gives? Am I missing anything? Or is he just a really awesome guy who knows how to treat his friends?

VictorM's advice:

I believe it's part personality, part your age group, and part your perception.

Some guys are just naturally more attentive to girls. It's just their nature and this could very well be the case with this guy.

Lots of boys around your age are just into a lot of different things (games, girls, drinking, fun, sports) and have not yet -- some never will -- develop the ability to treat females any different than males.

But mostly, it's probably the vibes that you send out. You're OK with the guys treating you like a guy, so they don't try anything different. With this one guy, you "clicked", and so he responded to your attention. I don't know which came first, his attention or the sense that you clicked, but chances are that you were both sending each other vibes that differ from the other guys.

Thanks for your views, they (surprisingly) fit spot on with the guy I had in mind! So basically here's my deal, and it's nooo way near as intense as a lot of the other situations you're usually asked about, so here's to lightening it up a little for you :)

I've been friends with a great guy for the past couple of years, and I guess you could say we're in a tight knit friends circle with quite a few common friends. We're always SO goofy with each other and just so silly.. it's very rare for us to even talk about anything important or serious, coz most of the time we're just stuck on random topics and blabber. Over the past year or so we've grown to become closer friends, just talking more, meeting up more by coincidence and what not. Especially the last few months, we've been talking almost everyday and although we always used to have a little friendly flirting in our conversations (although I honestly never picked it up till a friends pointed out I do it too haha), recently it kinda kicked up a notch and he seemed to make more of an effort to stay in touch, text me, arrange to meet up in a group or alone, etc. Naturally, me being me I didn't notice any change in his behaviour. Another thing is that we get along really well and just seem to have this chemistry with each other, and when other people are around they don't seem to understand what's so funny if we're both cracking up. Just stupid things like that. A mutual friend of mine even told us a while ago that a couple of HER friends who don't even know us, thought we were going out coz we "looked so good together" and seemed like we couldn't get enough of one another. Sounds cheesy I know, and I didn't see any of this. So question 1, can a guy be really good friends with a girl and possibly not ever develop feelings for her? Or is the fact that he's a close friend mean that he might want more?

To cut a long story short, he hinted it a gazillion times and I never picked it up, so one day he flat out just asked me. Just like that. It took me a while to believe he actually being serious, I think mainly coz he was just so blunt and direct. I hadn't really thought about us as a couple ever before and I wasn't too sure of my feelings at the time but after much thought I decided and explained to him how I felt about the situation. Basically, I love him as a friend, maybe more I really don't know. But I wasn't and am not willing to risk the beautiful friendship we have for something more. Call me a chicken if you must but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't see us going anywhere in the future so I see no point, and I KNOW things would've never been the same if we did break-up afterwards. Maybe I thought it through a little much but I'm happy with my decision now. Any comments?

After telling him a big part of that, he seemed ok with it and I really couldn't tell how he felt at that point coz he's so damn good at hiding his emotions. Things went quiet between us for a while which I dreaded was going to happen, and I was scared that this would cause a rift in our friendship. But we were forced to face each other soon after at a party and things were (to my surprise) totally normal. We were laughing, joking around and just being our usual selves. Since that day he has not once mentioned any of this again, although I get the feeling he tries to hint every now and then that I should give it a shot, which I nicely brush off :) and everything is just great. We talk just as much as before, about the same nonsense and I'm absolutely loving it and so thankful that things between us didn't change.. and I'm so grateful to him for it too for not running away! So as you said he might, I think for now he's just letting it be.

I just realised that I'm giving you more of a storybook rather than a question haha. Another question then: If a guy asks out a girl (who's a good friend), like he did in this case, does that automatically imply that he likes me/has feelings for me? Or can a guy ask a friend out just for the heck of it. Reason I'm asking is coz he said nothing about how he feels, nothing about him liking me, but I'm guessing that was the hidden message? But then again I think maybe he was just giving it a shot coz he seems to have forgotten about it all so quick? What do you say?

VictorM's advice:

Answer #1: It's totally possible that he never develops feelings for her but if he finds her attractive, he'll most likely try, or fantasize, about having sex with her. But develop feelings? Doesn't have to.

Answer #2: No, it doesn't automatically mean he has feelings for her. He could ask her because he confuses lust with like/love (see answer #1 above). He could feel pressured by all the friends who say you're a good match. He could ask because he thinks that's what you want (and he might as well go along for at least the sex), he might feel you're such a great catch and with time he might develop feelings for you, etc.

Please notice I'm not suggesting that any of these reasons are what motivated your friend asking you out; I'm just generalizing possible reasons why some guys may ask a girl friend out.

I'm more inclined to believe your guy friend is just a smart fellow and he knows that resuming the friendship, after the seed of a relationship has been planted, is the best course of action at this time. I doubt he'll give up getting himself some Sunshine so easily. :)

"T" and I have only been together for about 2 months. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Victor..... "T" wants to marry me. He talks about a future wedding, a house, children, etc. (I guess he can easily talk about these things because he's in the military) I told him that I would want him to wait until I graduate (which is 2 years from now). I also want to see if both of us, as a team, are able to solve problems and obstacles that I KNOW will come running our way sooner or later. We NEED that strength if we're going to get married anyway, right? I don't want us to be hasty with any decision or action. He said that he already knows I'm the one, and can't wait to marry me. However, if I'm the one that WANTs him to wait, he said he will.

"T".....it's all too good... the only flaw I can spot with this man is how he used to live in his past. Presently, I see that he's the total opposite of what his past was. He's never cheated on a woman before, but he's said that whenever he was single, he'd "play his field". He said that I make him want to "be better" and doesn't want to jeopordize our relationship over something meaningless and temporary. He did admit that he "misses" the "play"...but he said he loves me, and doesn't think he could find a girl like me anywhere else, so he doesn't want to "Fuck it up". He's told me time and time again, he doesn't want to lose me.

I've been contemplating a lot on if his feelings for me are genuine or not. One night, he said "I love you", and I said "I love you" without even realizing I said it until a few seconds later! It just came out. It's like I had no control over it. And now it seems as if our relationship is a lot deeper than it was a month ago.

I'm always worried everyday. I always have to keep in mind that "T" may love me today, and suddenly change his mind about me tomorrow. I talk to him about these things, and he says he won't ever change his mind and tells me not to worry about things like that, and what really matters is NOW. But I still worry. I don't want this to be another relationship that painfully ends like the others... I really want this to last and eventually succeed. Yes, "T" treats me like a queen. He's thoughtful about my wants and my needs, he remembers whatever I say or do, he calls me everyday to check up on me or talk, and my sisters approve of him for me and really like him.

Everything is going so well....We feel like we've been together for years, but in reality, it's only been 2 months. Can this simply be lust? I care about him so much, he makes me happy, and he makes me want to work harder in school.... but... I don't know if I REALLY love him...or if this feeling is just lust? I wonder the same with him.... if he's real or not. Gosh, I don't know.......

V, I need a person like you right now to kick my ass.

VictorM's advice:

Hey, the alphabet lover is back! :)

This guy sounds too overboard and that scares you, with good reason. Two months is not enough time for him to prove that he's indeed a better man yet. Don't discount your gut instinct. You have every reason to feel skeptical, regardless of how well things are going now.

But I also think you can't hide yourself in a box for fear you'll get hurt. Falling in love is opening yourself for possible pain. It's as simple as that. If it happens, you survive and move on a better person.

But A, he's trying to be a better person and he makes you try harder in school. If you could manage to put your future on hold and just enjoy the now, life would be sweet. The only time you're going to know if lust or love is what's fueling this relationship is several months down the road. As long as you don't have to commit to a destination, try to enjoy the journey.

We used to see each other only once or twice a week and that was fine with me. now we've been together for a couple of years he wants to see me on a more regular basis, not everyday, but maybe 3-4 times a week. thats fine with me, except he always ends up letting me down. Ive tried to explain to him that im not happy with the situation but he keeps telling me that "things will change" and he wants to see me regularly.

Basically, he'll make plans with me to do something on a certain day and things will be fine, we might speak on the phone to confirm things the night before, but then guaranteed one of his sisters or brothers will decide that they want to do something on that particular day and hey-presto our plans are cancelled or postponed immedeately without even a second thought from him.

i wouldnt mind if this was happening once in awhile, or in an emergency situation, or maybe something that his family couldn't help (eg a doctors appointment) but its just stupid things like they wanna go to the cinema, or shopping and he cancels our plans to accomodate them.

i think i should mention that he is one of the youngest in his family. and the brothers and sisters im talking about are aged between 19 and 26! to me this is ridiculous, i have brothers and sisters and although we do help each other out its never at the expense of our own friendships/relationships etc.

basically im looking for some advice on how to broach the subject. at this point im kind of sick of apologies..."things will change"...etc.
ive explained to him many times that i would rather him not see me much than be let down all the time for silly reasons (someone wants to go to the cinema etc)..he just doesnt seem to take that on board. its like my feelings are not important as soon as one of his family members want something.

in your experience do you think the situation will ever change? he talks about engagement but im not sure im willing to play second fiddle to his 26 year old sisters.

Plus his family have never been exactly warm towards me, i stopped going to his house because they dont speak to me. do you think that could be part of the problem because surely they must know if we've made plans to go out etc...they must all discuss things like that if they're all around the same age (my boyfriend is 22).

I know this is a long post and quite confusing but i dont know how else to explain the situation. I love my boyfriend and i dont wana loose him but im not willing to be pushed aside all the time. i feel like ive tried everything.

VictorM's advice:

No, you have not tried everything -- you haven't broken up with him.

You might as well ask a short man to become taller. That's nearly the order of magnitude you're dealing with. Your boyfriend is a people-pleaser who can't say no to his family. This isn't going to change by you wishing it or even broaching it. Short of serious professional therapy, this is the way he is. And chances are that he'll behave this way with coworkers, bosses, close friends, etc. You'll always be last on the pecking order. He just can't help himself.

And no, I don't think it has anything to do with his family not liking you. This is all him and his inability to say no to others. There could be so many reasons for his behavior that I'm not going to venture a guess, but it almost always comes down to wanting to be liked.

So why does he go overboard for them but not for you? I guess that's the one good thing you can say about this, which also happens to be the bad thing: he knows you'll always like him, even when he lets you down.

About 6 weeks into it, I wanted to see if we were on the same page with things, so I asked him. He said he couldn't do a long distance relationship because it was stressful. Perfect, because I felt the same way. I didn't know him well enough to say I wanted to date him exclusively, so I told him we should just be friends for the time being.

A few weeks later, I found out that he is now in a relationship with a girl long distance. What gives?

VictorM's advice:

Well, my first thought was that he found a better match, one that made the distance worth it.

My second thought was: give him time; that relationship probably won't last either.

Alrighty so my question is not much of a personal one I suppose, it's more so just to throw something out there for everyone. I've seen in a LOT of posts here that a girl falls for her "best guy friend" and you always seem to say, if you share your feelings and he doesn't like you, the friendship may as well end now coz its gonna end sooner or later anyway (or you'll become distant) once he finds himself a girlfriend. Attention towards you will drop, which I suppose is totally true.

As you can see, I'm not very good at getting straight to the point so please excuse me haha. Question is: Girl's generally find it hard to stay friends with someone they reaally like/love if he doesn't feel the same.. hurts like hell you could say, and the guy tends to distance himself a little afterwards too. Now if we flip that around, do you think it would be the same? How do you reckon a guy would react IF he was friends with a girl for say a couple of years, really good buddies, maybe a little flirty (but thats just the norm hey) and then one day he decided to muster up the courage and ask her out...and she very sweetly refuses for whatever reason. How would the guy feel? Do you think he would attempt to keep up with the friendship at least then? Do guys have that same fear as girls of "awkwardness" between friends if the one-sided feelings are out? Hmm. I'd like to hear your 2 cents on this. Oh and in case you're wondering, yes it has happened to me, recently. I can let you know of the outcome later, but I don't want to influence your views or anything by gushing it all out first. Over to you Victor.

VictorM's advice:

Ah... you're way too cool, Sunshine. But not enough Aussies here? Surely you jest. This places is "infested" with you wonderful folks. :)

While guys egos can be bruised, they don't react the same way that girls do with "hurt feelings". Also, because guys tend to be the pursuers, and therefore experience rejection more often, guys can deal with rejection without crying a river or having to spend $1000 in new shoes to feel better. :-p

So, a guy will either continue to see you as a friend, maybe even becoming friendlier hoping to seduce you at some later point, or, he'll simply move away from you and treat you as if you never existed. It depends on whether the guy is competitive or whether his ego was too bruised. Guys aren't likely to just ease off slowly or simply turn the friendship down a notch and therefore experience the awkwardness you described.

Now, I want to hear about your case.

As a big girl, i cried my eyes out because I was hurt. I am really interested in this man (enjoy each others conversation/company - no sex involved)...apparently we are on two different pages. I reconized this and told him that although I was disappointed and hurt I accepted what he had to say and that I appreciated his consideration for my feelings. I communicated that I would have to take a step back to re-focus some of my feelings. Today he approached me with a brief verbal exchange (work related) which was comfortable in that he attempted to make me laugh (i did). He is a great person and I have no hard feelings towards him. I just know that in order to get past the attraction, I need to create some distance and change some of our previous habits.

On a sidenote...he is aware that I am currently seeking employment closer to my home and may be getting a new job within a few weeks, in wishful thinking...dare I risk the thought of him pursuing more at that junction?

VictorM's advice:

It is possible now that he knows how you feel that he may see you in a different light. Sometimes it takes a guy a while to recognize that love is right under his nose. But having said that, I have to tell you that my sense, from what you wrote, is that you shouldn't get your hopes high.

I do not believe that not wanting to date a coworker is a rule that would hold up if he had feelings for you. Besides, he was clear that he is getting serious about someone. But the most important reaction was after your confession email. It was the reaction of someone who didn't consider a relationship with you at all.

Don't be surprised that a guy can be so friendly with a woman and yet want nothing to do with her romantically. In fact, it is the absence of romantic interest and sexual tension that feeds the strong friendly feelings. And the slight jealousy you sensed is mostly a manly instinct for territorial protection. Romance doesn't have to enter the picture for him to feel that way.

Get a new job, make new friends, and go to different places.

Suddenly, he tells me that he is freaked out that it is moving too fast. After about two weeks, we talk and he tells me that he wants me in his life and wants to continue moving forward, but just slower. He says he isn't dating anyone else and doesn't want to.

I saw him last week and over the weekend. BUT....he doesn't call me everyday, anymore. If we talk, I contact him.

I don't know how to go back to taking it slow. I don't know what slow means. I miss him. I miss what we had.

Will we ever get back to that point and, most importantly, how much time do I give him?

Thanks-

VictorM's advice:

No, it'll never go back to what you had. That period is hardly ever duplicated. It's common for guys to get off the gate like stallions, but they cannot sustain that kind of attention.

Taking it slow means that you gotta stop making him the center of your universe and that everything has to be done with him or about him. It's downright scary when women think like that. So... stop calling him so much. Stop expecting calls daily. Make plans with your friends. Read. Take up a new hobby.

It's much healthier this way anyway than it is to be so focused on one man.

So in June he started texting me at random hours like Midnight, 3am, 2pm, 7am saying things like "hey stranger" and "wanna go for a ride." He does it like once a month and I can't understand why. I have even told him not to contact me anymore. Every time he texts me, the hurt comes back because I can't believe he could hurt me the way he did and expect friendship. I am confused and I don't know what to do.

VictorM's advice:

Why does he do it? Simple: he's a prick! Because he's a prick, he draws consolation from knowing you're bothered by his attempts. So he keeps doing it.

Continue to ignore his messages. Look into blocking his number so you never even know he texts you. Ignoring him without giving him the consolation that you're bothered is the best way to go.

Okay well my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. He's 24 and I'm 18. He's already graduating from college and I just graduated from high school pretty much. He moved to Columbia (SC) about 5 months ago and it's gone really well. I feel really stupid asking this but why won't he put that we're in a relationship on facebook or put anything about me (including pictures) on there? I know it's facebook, get a life. But when I ask him why he won't put it on there he gets so pissed and says there is no reason and for me to grow up. I just don't understand if it's really not a big deal why he won't just do it. If I send him a picture or anything like that that makes a correlation to us dating, he will delete it. But he sends me pictures and stuff that are sweet like "i miss you" or "i sleep better when i'm snuggling with you" and i would never delete it. I feel like he's doing it because he's embarrassed of me or he doesn't want other girls to know just in case they are interested. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it but he knows how it makes me feel and he doesnt care.

VictorM's advice:

I think it's your boyfriend that needs to grow up. He's either terribly immature, plain old stupid, or (and this is my guess) he's simply up to no good online.

I had written to you two times in the past and I want to thank you for your advise that helped me realize the man I was seeing was emotionally unable to have a healthy, adult relationship. I broke it off with him.

Funny thing was, I had told myself once I started dating again that I was not going to get emotionally involved with anyone.

Well, I ended up meeting a wonderful man. We met one night while I was getting dinner. He came in shortly after I did and eventually we started talking. We had a nice conversations. When it was time for me to leave he asked if he could see me again. I told him that I would be having dinner there again the following night if he wanted to show up. He said he would there. We met the following night and had dinner together. It was wonderful! We talked and laughed for hours. When we left he gave me a small kiss and asked if we could have lunch the next day before I left (I met him while traveling for business). We had lunch the following day before I left to return home. During lunch I realized what a wonderful man he was and could feel myself becoming more attracted to him (THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN!). I was only going to date..no emotional involvement!!

On my way home after lunch, he called to tell me how much he enjoyed my company. He wanted to know how soon before he could see me again. I told him I wasn't sure exactly when I would be back but that I was in the process of trying moving to that area for my job and would be back to look at places soon.

Long story short, we continued to talk on the phone daily, several times a day. I grew to know more about him and he about me. We both were becoming more emotionally connected.

He ended up making plans to come visit me in my area. Said he couldn't wait for me to come back and needed to spend time with me. I got a sitter for my kids (I'm a single mom) and we made plans to spend a day together over the weekend. It was amazing! Yes, it became physical at that point.

He had asked me when I was moving up for my job. Well, that is not looking so good. As I said I am a single mom and financially I was having trouble getting enough funds together for the move and to feel comfortable financially while there. He asked me how much money I needed to make my move. I told him roughly how much I needed and he offered to help me. I didn't accept. I told him it was really sweet of him but it was much too soon for me to accept such an offer.

Weeks have gone by since then. We continue to talk several times daily. We are both falling for each other. He has told me that he has never felt about anyone what he feels for me. He has admitted that there were times he thought to himself he wished we met years ago. He said he is trying to dig in his heels and take things slowly but his feelings for me are so strong. He loves the emotional connection and physical is byond his wildest dreams...I can say the same in regards to him.

Through talking with him, it's obvious he has money. Money I don't have. He wants me to get a passport for long weekends. He is planning on renting places for mini-vacations (some with the kids, some for just us). My biggest concern is this: being a single mom I don't have a lot of extra funds most of the time. I'm usually strapped to be quite honest. He's offering to help me move to be closer to him and for my job (he said he had a vested interest in me being there and wants to help me get there). He talks about vacations (something i have not done in many years since having my children). I'm not one to admit my financial situation easily. It's not something I talk about to my closest friends of 25 years about without feeling inadquate. I'm at a loss as to how to approach this with him or if I even need to. What do you think, Victor? Is this something that I need to explain to him? I just see financially we are on two very different levels.

VictorM's advice:

Our society has many double standards that work against women, but this is one that works in your favor. By that I mean, if a guy was in your situation he would be looked down upon, but you being a female and a single mom, it's much more acceptable.

I doubt very much that your guy would be anything but understanding about your financial situation. The only problem is that, as has been the case, he's going to be inclined to want to help you financially, and that could be a problem.

If you accept his offer, you risk becoming dependent on him. Sure, things are going wonderfully well, and hopefully it will stay that way, but let's shine some reality on this -- it may not stay that way. If he has given you, or lent you, large amounts of money, it will complicate things very much if you feel it's best to part ways. So I would suggest you continue to refuse his help at least until more time has passed, you have spent more time with him, and you're further along in this relationship.

But on the other hand, I see no reason why you shouldn't go along on vacations that he's willing to pay for. If he can afford it he gets an instant payback -- your wonderful company. I'd say it's worth it for you to get a passport and enjoy the vacations.

But make all of the above clear to him. That is: state your financial situation (without getting into too much detail), continue to decline his offer to help with a move, but state that you'd love to spend more time with him but that you have to be conscientious of related expenses (my guess is that he'll be more than happy to pay for the vacations).

By Melayna, 25, from TEXAS:

I'm totally turned on by the shyest guy on the planet. Here's the situation I find myself in.

What if you've been casually dating a guy for a while now...and you're pretty sure that he's into you as more than a friend....because he comments on your body, says you're hot, you catch him staring at you, he slaps your ass a lot, he spends at least twice a week alone with you for like 6 hours at a time, etc....Plus, recently he has been doing things such as holding my hand while he's driving....Also, we playfully wrestle and stuff all the time...Well, last night I teasingly slapped his face (we do that back and forth to each other, I actually think it's one of the ways we flirt without fear of rejection because the nature is more playful than vulnerable, if you know what I mean... easier to do than something more intimate I guess)...well I lightly slapped his cheek, and he said "Maybe we should start working on nicer touches with each other, huh?" So I said "oh yeah?..such as?.." and he said "You know...gentler touches...Whatever feels good." And he was holding my hand and touching my fingers and stuff as he drove.... I have met all his friends, etc. So I'm pretty sure he likes me.

The thing is he is SO SHY....and all his friends have said he is not the type to make the first move on a girl because of it...and he himself has commented that he enjoys a take-charge kind of girl. Unfortuanately, I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT MAKING THE 1ST MOVE!!!! But I desperately want to get intimate with him for crying out loud! LOL.

I feel like he needs a little guiding...And the go-ahead to really touch me...Would it be too forward of me, say if we're standing...to guide his hands to my hips or whatever? To show him I don't mind and that it's ok to do that?

And if I get really brave...how do i get even further? I would so like a kiss...just being nervous to initiate it! However, my hormones are raging here...and I am so turned on by him, but i need to actually feel his touch or I might explode! How can i push things in the right direction? I am pretty sure he's interested...

Sometimes when we're in the car or on the couch, I just want to climb on top of him and have my fun! Ahhh....if only i had such guts outside of my daydreaming, LOL! Advice?

VictorM's advice:

Some guys just have a really hard time making that final move. It sounds like he's ready for it and has hinted at it. For crying out loud, guide his hands to your hips, or boobs, or kiss the fool already. Do something before you explode!

I felt this can be solved by just communicate,but he's just avoid it n withdraw,
i love him,n i know he loved me although i don't know now
It isn't fair
can i make him back?

VictorM's advice:

It's safe to say that communication isn't exactly your strong suit.

When two people communicate well, they avoid problems and misunderstandings.

And by the way, it is fair. You dated each other to get to know each other better. After a while, he simply realized that he wasn't having fun. He communicated his decision to end the relationship. He told you that you weren't the right girl for him. He had no obligations to do more than what he did.

Now that the magic is gone, he's not coming back.

In other words how do I tell him I want to be his girlfriend? I can't just blurt out "Will you be my boyfriend?" How do you say it without coming across as overly blunt or awkward? I'm not sure how he will respond either, and I will be nervous enough.

VictorM's advice:

Why can't you just blurt it out? Isn't that what you'd like him to do to you? One of you will have to say it first, might as well be you if you're the one in a hurry.

But don't be surprised if he already thinks you're boyfriend and girlfriend. Guys often just feel that way without words having to be said.

What do you think of reconciliation with an ex? How would one go about doing it?

My ex-bf and I broke up in May. I saw him last in early June. I spoke to him last in early July. I don't think it matter why we broke up anymore, I doubt that either one of us even remembers, except that it was a stressful time for both of us and instead of being compassionate and considerate, we were selfish and negative and angry. I don't believe that the break up was caused because he fell out of love with me or whatever.

I've been dating other guys and they are very nice but I still feel like the ex is the one for me. The problem was that when he broke up with me I was very upset and did all the things that you should not be doing. I think he even tried to get back together but I was just mean and then I kept bothering him for answers that he prob couldn't give me.

But everyone makes mistakes and its all done, and I really do want to be with him for the rest of my life but I don't know how to go back to him.

He hasn't contacted me yet, I don't know if I should get in touch with him (as I don't want to seem desperate) or wait a bit longer for him (how long would I have to wait). Should I email him.. go see him in person and if I do, should I find a reason (I have some of his stuff).

Basically, what is the timing and game plan for breaking the ice, as general as that is.

Thanks!

VictorM's advice:

To answer your first question, I think you should try to reconcile, if you feel about it as you do. Sure, the problems that caused the break-up are likely to resurface, but at worst you need to relive them to realize he's not the guy for you, and at best, you both did learn from the experience and can deal with things better next time around.

Given your description of the break-up and its aftermath, you are going to have to eat some crow. Between the two of you, it seems you were the one that held a drudge and he'll like to hear that you agree, and that you recognize you were a jerk.

But, you can't assume that he's not attached now or at least having someone else in mind. I would suggest contacting him with an apology for your behavior, that you have his stuff that you'd like to return, and mention that "it would be nice seeing you again." Leave it that and see what is response is. Don't bring up the future until you have amicably settled the past.

Thank you!

VictorM's advice:

No, don't give up. Boys can sulk for a few weeks over a dumb fight and then get over it like nothing ever happened. Just stop making plans. Let him come after you again.

my radar sucks! how in the world could i have been so off? i am not a desperate type of person. i am well-liked, intelligent, perceptive, attractive, fun-loving, cool and downright adorable. :o)

he said he wasn't trying to lead me on in any way but that he was just being friendly. and that if he ever does feel that way (he's not suggesting he will) that it would be quite obvious. newsflash: it seemed pretty obvious!

wow. i know he and i will recover from this. we're already getting there! but i am pissed and hurt and feeling like a complete fool. the fact is, i was quite scared about changing our friendship to more, because i felt like i would ultimately lose him. but now, i just feel stupid for assuming the wrong thing.

please share some words of wisdom. i like how you say things even when they're at the most brutal sounding.

VictorM's advice:

I beg to differ with your assessment. What you are is a very brave girl. You had a feeling and you took action. I admire you for it. So you misread him. That's not a big deal. No one ever bats .1000 in life. Besides, it's not like you were that off -- the guys must like you a lot.

You may be surprised what may come out of this. Now that he knows how you feel, he may see in a different light. While he saw only friendship before, he might now see more. You never know.

But even if nothing comes out of this, the guts you showed by acting on it is quite admirable.

By sasha, 18, from nyc:

Victor, I have 2 issues...Please help this very confused girl!

#1) I don't want to be one of the MANY girls that are always chasing after my best guy friend. I really don't think I have been, but sometimes I start thinking too much and wonder how he perceives me. Also, I'm beginning to think there's something kinda happening between us, but I am not totally sure. I am waiting for him to give a few more indicators... We've both been out of town separately the entire summer and have actually grown closer. I see him tonight for the first time...

It's so darn complicated....but what I want to know is: will it confuse him if I pull away a little? I mean, we are close friends so we talk all the time, but I don't want him to think I'm another girl just vying for his attention. I guess if he hasn't thought of me that way yet, he won't. What do you think????

#2) Additionally, you often advise girls (who wonder if there's more) to take a chance and tell their friend they're interested in taking it to the next level. This really scares me. I want to so badly, but I am afraid our friendship will suffer and he won't be able to get past it. Once those words are out, I can't take them back. And, if he doesn't feel it, then what? You've said really good friends will eventually get past it, but I can't be sure. So, I guess this leaves me nowhere, huh?

VictorM's advice:

#1) If you like him, and he gives you lots of attention, why pull away? Don't do it.

#2) If you like him and don't open your mouth for fear of losing the friendship, it's a waste. If you say nothing you will lose the friendship because as soon as he finds a girlfriend the odds that he'll give you much attention are slim and most girlfriends are uncomfortable with their boyfriends being too close to a female friend, so she'll put pressure on him to cut down contact. You might as well take a risk.

I appreciate any insight you may have.

Kirsten

VictorM's advice:

Guys react differently to stress than women do. Guys have no need to talk. They like being left alone to solve their problems. Plus, most guys can't compartmentalize issues in their head very well, so the dominant issue of the day takes control to the exclusion of all others.

So your request for one or two hours out of his day not being enough falls on deft ears. It's not that he doesn't have the time; it's that he doesn't have the disposition because his mind is under the control of one issue.

This is why you often hear women complain that their guy "got in a bad mood for getting a speeding ticket and he took out on me all day." What she neglects to notice is that he took it out on just about everyone. Guys are like that.

And so your guy is under stress, he told you he needed time to sort things out, and did you give him that time? No! You had to call. Make plans. And you need to talk. And it becomes more stress. And so the vicious cycle simply gets worse and you simply push him further away with your need to be closer.

I don't know if he's losing interest in you but I do understand his need to be left alone.

hi victorrrrrrrrrrrr it's me yet again LOL :D

...after that email we talked about a few past issues and stuff...things we shouldva have talked about before getting together...and things stayed that way...i said to him if you care about someone shouldn't you try to work things out and try to understand each other not just give up...and he's like "i dunno what to say" so I guess....he DID wanna break up?

about 2 weeks later he emails me saying "i'm sorry i didnt replay you sooner ive been busy with (blah blah blah)" (replay what? i didnt ask anything lol and he diddnt say anything...just gave me a reason why he didnt write? we're done so why is he giving me explanations?) then later he asked me If I was good and what I was up to...we were talking just like before... now he's contacting me making small talk every 6 days or so....do you think he's just contacting me so he doesn't feel so bad about the the break up...making sure we're in good terms? I just feel i'm gonna have to cut him off my life cuz if he keeps writing me and I won't let go...but at the same time it's hard ignoring him... I wasn't that happy when i was with him...but yet i miss him all the time when we're not together...I don't undertand...

please help :/

VictorM's advice:

Well... you hit the nail on the head: he's contacting you so he's not seen as the bad guy.

It doesn't matter that you weren't that happy with him. What matters is that you had a routine and that routine has been interrupted. You'll have the sense of "missing him" until you get into a routine without him.

I work with a man I am very attracted to, and I feel he is attracted to me as well. He has paid a lot of compliments on my work in the past and just recently began paying personal compliments, giving me "reasons why I like you so much", etc. He's not a very outgoing guy to begin with, so these types of comments are out of character for him. He also tends to stare directly at me long after we've finished speaking, and I catch him staring at me when I'm looking away. When I look back, he'll look away, or if he was staring somewhere other than my face (which he does from time to time, but it doesn't come off as creepy) he immediately looks back at my eyes. There are a lot of other little flirtatious things he does, too numerous to mention. You get the idea, though.

The problems are: he's sorta my boss and he's married. Yes, I know #2 there is the bigtime red flag.

He occasionally talks about his family, but he never initiates the subject with me. It's always when something happens to make them come up, like his wife calls while we are working together, or if I ask him what he did over the weekend. At times, if his family comes up in conversation, instead of saying "we did this or that" he will check himself and say "we... I did this", like he sometimes feels the need to hide their existence.

Why does he do this? If he brought up his family all the time with me, I would assume he was trying to make sure I knew his married status and didn't expect our work flirtations to go anywhere. The fact that he sometimes makes obviously attempts to not mention them to me confuses me, though.

I'm basically just curious if I'm right in how I'm interpreting his actions. I'm not looking to do anything with this guy.

VictorM's advice:

Guys are notorious for enjoying the company of attractive female coworkers as a way of helping pass the day at work. At times, that enjoyment can even include fantasies of "what if..." situations. Bringing up his family, while not taboo to him, does spoil the fantasy moments.

Are you more than entertainment and a fantasy to him? That I can't say.

My question is this, do you think a guy would still correspond regularly and call me from another country if he just wanted to be friends? (Because he has told me before he just wants to be friends) Should I just take him at face value?

VictorM's advice:

Yes, guys could correspond with the intention of just being friends. Take him at his word.

I want to know, what should I do now? I really love him and everyday it hurts more not having him in my life. And, how can he break up over a text message without even caring about me at all?

Thanks for your time.

VictorM's advice:

Marilyn... the signs were there all along that he wasn't into you. You didn't mean much to him all along, why should it be any different at the point of breaking up? His method of breaking up has no reflection on you, only on him: you were involved with a cold fish and he's talking to you the only way he knows how.

It hurts more everyday but that's just you getting adjusted to a new routine. It will then hurt less each day until it doesn't hurt at all. You'll be surprised how quickly it happens.

Recently my love's mom became very ill and passed away. When she died I held him close. For the first week after her passing he was sad but otherwise okay. Then suddenly he told me he loves me but needs time apart. He ended our relationship and told me that he loves me but we can't be together right now. He also told me that we may never be together again eventhough he still sees our future together.

I am devastated. He was my best friend and when we weren't at work or school we were always together. All of our friends joked about us getting married. I feel so lost. I want to give him the time that he needs, but I miss him so much. I have not stopped crying since we broke up. I try to look at the bright side that we will be together some day, but everything feels like it is falling apart. It has been so hard not to contact him. How can I learn to be on my own? Any tips for giving him the space he needs and stopping the tears? I feel like I will never be happy again.

VictorM's advice:

What caught my attention about your submission was this: "when we weren't at work or school we were always together." Can you say "suffocating"? That, along your "man of your dreams" and "soul mate" are indications that you put so much energy into a relationship that most guys, and this one in particular, just can't deal with.

There's no doubt that the loss of someone so close as his own mother will affect him greatly but I don't think that incident is the major culprit for his actions; I believe it just gave him the courage to push you away because you're probably too demanding of his time and his attention.

You need to learn to live alone, if not to bring him back, to at least reduce the chance that you'll suffocate the next relationship. Whether this guy comes back or not -- and my guess is that he won't -- you need to find hobbies, to sit at home and read or watch movies by yourself (but please, not the romance trash that will just ruin your mind about relationships), go shopping alone, make new friends and do things with them, get a pet, redecorate your place... anything that leads you to direct your energies at anyone or anything other than your boyfriend.

For two people to have a good, balanced relationship, they both need to have healthy, balanced lives on their own. If you feel that everything was perfect, my guess is that you had things too much your way; it was perfect for you, but I bet he would disagree.

In the breakup, he didn't do me right at all. He has treated me worse than any guy I have dated, refuse to give me my stuff back, to see me in person, etc.. And I didn't do him right either, because I didn't listen to him, I was very hurt and upset and just lashed out and wouldn't leave him alone. It was a BAD breakup. Now I think he's out screwing 19 year olds or doing who knows what, but no matter how cool and indifferent he may be, I'm sure he's bothered by it as well.

Since then I've calmed down, got over it, stopped being angry, reflected, dated other guys, and I think have just become so much more mature and better equipped at handing a relationship. I'm actually shocked at how much I've grown up in the past couple of months. And even though he treated me like complete crap in the end, I still have feelings for him. And being this new person that I am, I would like to give it another shot or at least, discuss the possibility at some point in the future. In fact, I believe that we can have a stronger relationship now AFTER all this happened, then if it never happened at all.

BUT I have no idea what he wants, what he feels about me and what happened, if I should get in contact with him and what I should say and how and if enough time has passed. On the one hand, I do want to give it another shot on the other hand, I don't want to be annoying and bothering him if he's happy with his life now (I have no idea if he is) and I don't want to be the clingy person that can't let go. So I need some advice on how to approach this.. or if I should approach it.

VictorM's advice:

Feeling as you do, you're better off trying to get some resolution because if you don't, you'll always regret not having given it a try.

Please consider that you have changed for the better, but because of it you should proceed with caution. I say this for two possible reasons: there's a good chance that he has also changed, but you have no assurances that it has been for the better; or, simply because you have changed you may not find him as appealing as you once did.

If you have the ability to contact him and plan a friendly lunch or something like that, do so. Talk about anything except where you are emotionally now or your past relationship. Just learn about where he is now and then decided if you want to continue to pursue him or if you're ready to move on.

Given your bad break up, talking right away about wanting to try again may not be a good idea because you both have negative scars about the parting. Your best bet would be to start new, so to speak. Plan to meet, exchange emails and IMs, talk on the phone, and let a new relationship start, if one is to start at all.

Started a new job last year. This guy caught my eye, seems like I caught his too. I was very attracted to him. We would always meet in the canteen. Lots of flirting, lots of constant staring. He would always sit at the next table listening to the conversation on mine. No doubt he knows about my family life etc.

About him: I know very little. He started working there 4 years ago. Had an affair with a girl and left his wife and two young children for her. They now live together and she has left this place of work to go and work for 'his' family business.

I'm besotted with him, but he won't speak to me. Will not initiate anything. I've tried arranging a meeting, but we focus on the work and that's it. I started to lose interest. So, for the last few weeks, I stopped going to the canteen. My friend tells me that he has stopped going too. In fact, I've now started going for lunch but he never turns up.

To cut a long story short, my world seems to have come crashing down on me today, when I found out that he is leaving work this week to go and run his family business.

What should I do? We never really had a working relationship or a friendly relationship. Except I can tell we are very attracted to each other. In fact, when we are around each other, we are very nervous. I don't want him to leave without knowing that I would love to have gotten to know him, or had lunch with him. I don't want him to just walk away. Because I know I'll never see him again. Not that this should matter, but I'm Asian and he's white, is that what's holding him back or the fact that I'm married and he wants me to make the first move.

I thought maybe I should leave him a note on his car on his last day saying that if he were ever at a loose end, he could call me for coffee or lunch. Too much of a coward to send him an email at work. Big Brother is always watching.

Is this a good idea or a bad one?

VictorM's advice:

Get off your cloud! I doubt that him paying you no attention is because you're Asian or because he wants you to make the first move. He never gave any indications of interest in you. You're fabricating a world of your own simply because he might have enjoyed looking at you. Just because a guy likes to look at a woman it doesn't mean he's attracted to her. There's nothing between you two, and you're much better off concentrating on your two children and finding a sensible way out of your marriage before you go gallivanting for a new lover.

Here's the deal - I think my friend and I are heading towards dating and I want him to know that I'm interested but also don't want to scare him off if he's not quite there yet. Please advise.

VictorM's advice:

In my opinion, yes, it's worth it to risk losing the friendship if you have romantic feelings for a friend and you have reason to believe he might feel the same way.

How you do it is a matter of personal preference but if time is not of the essence, it may be better to let the guy catch on to it. How do you do it? You dress sexier, you stand closer to him than usual, you make dates with him to romantic places, you hold your eye contact a little longer, you let him know that it bothers you when he talks about other guys (and you don't talk about other guys), etc.