Thursday, July 31, 2008
No comment
Submitted on Tuesday, July 29, 2008
By Amanda9013, 17, from salem:
What if the guy you like and who likes you still after five years flirts with you and has a girlfriend, but says no comment when you ask him if he wants you or his girlfriend??
VictorM's advice:
He's choosing his girlfriend. You're just a pastime.
By Amanda9013, 17, from salem:
What if the guy you like and who likes you still after five years flirts with you and has a girlfriend, but says no comment when you ask him if he wants you or his girlfriend??
VictorM's advice:
He's choosing his girlfriend. You're just a pastime.
I met this guy online
Submitted on Monday, July 28, 2008
By sarah, 19, from new Hampshire:
Ok I met this guy online, and we have met in person he is really awsome and we are always texting and talking on the the phone, and we see each other a lot. Sometimes he will ask me: "hey have you found any other boy toys online?" Then he will say its none of his business, and he doesn't care. What does he mean by this?
VictorM's advice:
He's telling you what he thinks of himself (a boy toy) but you're too in the haze of his awesomeness to notice.
When he assumes that other guys contacting you would only be interested in being a toy, he's projecting. That is, he projects his own motives onto the motives of others.
I don't know... just a wild guess, but this guy may not be as awesome as you make him out to be.
By sarah, 19, from new Hampshire:
Ok I met this guy online, and we have met in person he is really awsome and we are always texting and talking on the the phone, and we see each other a lot. Sometimes he will ask me: "hey have you found any other boy toys online?" Then he will say its none of his business, and he doesn't care. What does he mean by this?
VictorM's advice:
He's telling you what he thinks of himself (a boy toy) but you're too in the haze of his awesomeness to notice.
When he assumes that other guys contacting you would only be interested in being a toy, he's projecting. That is, he projects his own motives onto the motives of others.
I don't know... just a wild guess, but this guy may not be as awesome as you make him out to be.
I've been dating a much younger man
Submitted on Sunday, July 27, 2008
By Carrie, 40, from Pennsylvania:
I've been dating a much younger man for over a year. We've come to a point where true commitment ie-marriage has become considered. I would like to be married-to someone who absolutely loves me, yet he's saying that his parents may be dissapointed in him if we were to marry. I broke it off with him only to have him calling and coming back saying "I'm confused". I am willing to let this relationship go, it'd be less painful. Am I right?
VictorM's advice:
It happens, but the odds that "a much younger man" will want to marry you are very slim. If it was the other way around, no problem. You can curse the double standard all you want, but things are as they are.
If you cater to his "confusion" you'll just be wasting your time. And the more time this takes, the older you get.
By Carrie, 40, from Pennsylvania:
I've been dating a much younger man for over a year. We've come to a point where true commitment ie-marriage has become considered. I would like to be married-to someone who absolutely loves me, yet he's saying that his parents may be dissapointed in him if we were to marry. I broke it off with him only to have him calling and coming back saying "I'm confused". I am willing to let this relationship go, it'd be less painful. Am I right?
VictorM's advice:
It happens, but the odds that "a much younger man" will want to marry you are very slim. If it was the other way around, no problem. You can curse the double standard all you want, but things are as they are.
If you cater to his "confusion" you'll just be wasting your time. And the more time this takes, the older you get.
Message to Nina, from No man land
Nina,
Believe it or not, I read your entire detailed submission with enthusiasm. My eyes are still bleeding. :) (just kidding).
I don't really have the time right now to go into all the detail I'd like to go into. Also, this page, along with your request to keep things confidential, doesn't facilitate an answer.
I will say this: I think you grossly misinterpreted the good sign/bag sign analysis. Your understand about guys and their behavior needs a lot of work.
The way you describe yourself I can understand the feelings of intimidation that guys feel. And in the case of your fellow student, I wouldn't be surprised if that came into play. Lots of guys will simply stay away from a woman like you, even if you make it clear you like them -- as you clearly did with this one guy -- simply because they feel they can not measure up to you.
Please consider that attraction is never about you; it's about how the guy feels when he's around you. If a guy feels he can't afford your tastes and your life style, or that you attract too much attention from guys, no matter how much he likes you, he'll avoid you, even if at times he likes being around you.
Your problem is very common for girls who are "beautiful". You tend to attract the guys that are after sex or a trophy date but you scare away many other guys.
Darn... there's a lot more to stay about your submission. Maybe you can join the argville forum (this way we can correspond without you having to give me your email address).
Believe it or not, I read your entire detailed submission with enthusiasm. My eyes are still bleeding. :) (just kidding).
I don't really have the time right now to go into all the detail I'd like to go into. Also, this page, along with your request to keep things confidential, doesn't facilitate an answer.
I will say this: I think you grossly misinterpreted the good sign/bag sign analysis. Your understand about guys and their behavior needs a lot of work.
The way you describe yourself I can understand the feelings of intimidation that guys feel. And in the case of your fellow student, I wouldn't be surprised if that came into play. Lots of guys will simply stay away from a woman like you, even if you make it clear you like them -- as you clearly did with this one guy -- simply because they feel they can not measure up to you.
Please consider that attraction is never about you; it's about how the guy feels when he's around you. If a guy feels he can't afford your tastes and your life style, or that you attract too much attention from guys, no matter how much he likes you, he'll avoid you, even if at times he likes being around you.
Your problem is very common for girls who are "beautiful". You tend to attract the guys that are after sex or a trophy date but you scare away many other guys.
Darn... there's a lot more to stay about your submission. Maybe you can join the argville forum (this way we can correspond without you having to give me your email address).
I'm not trying to be needy
Submitted on Saturday, July 26, 2008
By Deedee B, 21, from Chicago, IL:
Ok..I've been seeing someone for the past 3 months...I can honestly say that I'm head over heels for the guy. I met him in college actually 2 weeks before the summer vacation was to start. We hooked up and it's been blissful every since...well..kinda...
We both live in 2 different cities, good thing about that is that my parents live in the city that he resides, so I can always visit and see him anytime I like..so the distance really isn't a problem. It seemed like we kinda got along better that way because I was busy with my family matters at home.
So I'm here in Chicago and I practically tried to spend half of my whole summer with him. After a week of us seeing each other we split. He said he needed to "find himself"...I was really hurt because he promised never to "leave me" and to be here for the "long run"...
After a few weeks we began talking again and needless to say we are back together. Time is winding down for me to go back home and I really want to see him and spend time with him. I know he has his other obligations, but it always seem that he makes plans to do other thins between these obligations. I WANNA BE HIS PRIORITY TOO!..It's like I'm always on the backburner, I always find myself crying and wondering what he doing and etc. Things just aren't the same anymore, and I don't wanna feel like I'm needy..I love him a whole lot and I'm trying to be understanding. I just thought since I'm 15 mins away that he would want to see me, instead of 8 hours away and he can't see me at all...
I'm not trying to be needy...but I miss him..I discussed this with him, and he knows he can do better. He said this, but nothing has changed.
VictorM's advice:
You would think that a guy who's into you would make you his priority, right? So why isn't he?
Did you actually believe him when he said he'd never leave? I suspect you did, because you sound amazingly naive and unable to deal with the facts before you.
The problem here isn't what he can and can't do; the problem is your inability to face the obvious: he simply isn't into you as you're into him. He's not motivated to do better because he doesn't care enough about you.
When he said he went to find himself (did you believe that too?) what he meant was he was going to find someone he could care for more. He didn't find anyone so he's back with you.
I doubt he will stay for long.
By Deedee B, 21, from Chicago, IL:
Ok..I've been seeing someone for the past 3 months...I can honestly say that I'm head over heels for the guy. I met him in college actually 2 weeks before the summer vacation was to start. We hooked up and it's been blissful every since...well..kinda...
We both live in 2 different cities, good thing about that is that my parents live in the city that he resides, so I can always visit and see him anytime I like..so the distance really isn't a problem. It seemed like we kinda got along better that way because I was busy with my family matters at home.
So I'm here in Chicago and I practically tried to spend half of my whole summer with him. After a week of us seeing each other we split. He said he needed to "find himself"...I was really hurt because he promised never to "leave me" and to be here for the "long run"...
After a few weeks we began talking again and needless to say we are back together. Time is winding down for me to go back home and I really want to see him and spend time with him. I know he has his other obligations, but it always seem that he makes plans to do other thins between these obligations. I WANNA BE HIS PRIORITY TOO!..It's like I'm always on the backburner, I always find myself crying and wondering what he doing and etc. Things just aren't the same anymore, and I don't wanna feel like I'm needy..I love him a whole lot and I'm trying to be understanding. I just thought since I'm 15 mins away that he would want to see me, instead of 8 hours away and he can't see me at all...
I'm not trying to be needy...but I miss him..I discussed this with him, and he knows he can do better. He said this, but nothing has changed.
VictorM's advice:
You would think that a guy who's into you would make you his priority, right? So why isn't he?
Did you actually believe him when he said he'd never leave? I suspect you did, because you sound amazingly naive and unable to deal with the facts before you.
The problem here isn't what he can and can't do; the problem is your inability to face the obvious: he simply isn't into you as you're into him. He's not motivated to do better because he doesn't care enough about you.
When he said he went to find himself (did you believe that too?) what he meant was he was going to find someone he could care for more. He didn't find anyone so he's back with you.
I doubt he will stay for long.
It started off too intense
Submitted on Saturday, July 26, 2008
By Allison, 21, from usa:
I have dated guys before where it started off too intense. But then they lose interest almost as fast as it starts. Is there any way to prevent this from happening?
VictorM's advice:
I'm guessing you're a very attractive girl. When a guy falls for you he falls for your physical looks. His body gets flooded with chemicals that makes him think you're the greatest human on Earth. Eventually the chemicals slow down and he comes down to reality. At that point, you become a mere mortal female, hardly capable of matching their vision while high from all the chemicals. There is nothing you can do about this process.
When it happens, just learn to recognize it and not invest too much energy into the guy until he comes back down to Earth.
By Allison, 21, from usa:
I have dated guys before where it started off too intense. But then they lose interest almost as fast as it starts. Is there any way to prevent this from happening?
VictorM's advice:
I'm guessing you're a very attractive girl. When a guy falls for you he falls for your physical looks. His body gets flooded with chemicals that makes him think you're the greatest human on Earth. Eventually the chemicals slow down and he comes down to reality. At that point, you become a mere mortal female, hardly capable of matching their vision while high from all the chemicals. There is nothing you can do about this process.
When it happens, just learn to recognize it and not invest too much energy into the guy until he comes back down to Earth.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We were arguing all the time
Submitted on Friday, July 25, 2008
By Lee, 31, from United States:
I broke up with my (now ex-) boyfriend because we were arguing all the time. A week after we broke up he contacted me again apologizing and started texting me every day and calling me telling me he missed me and wanted us to be together. We each had our family vacations for the next 2 weeks and didn't see each other. (he lives 1.5 hrs away from me). He had invited me to his family vacation, but the next day said it wasn't a good idea for me to come and then cut off all contact for 2.5 weeks. Out of the blue this past Monday he contacts me asking me how I am doing. I didn't reply and he started saying how he understands why I wouldn't want to talk and he is sorry he hasn't called. He said the reason was because his parents had "issues" regarding our arguments that we had been having prior to the break up. Now...keep in mind he is 38 yrs old. I told him he should have let me know what was going on and I assumed he wasn't calling because he didn't want to be with me. He kepts texting me he's sorry, he doesn't want me to be mad, it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, blah, blah, blah. I asked him what he wanted to do now and he wanted to talk that night. We talked on the phone for over a hour...about normal stuff. Like we did when we were together. Nothing was said about the relationship. He said he would call me the next night but didn't. But he has text me a few times. What is up with this? Does he want to get together again and just being cautious and taking it slow or is he stringing me along? Or did he really just want to explain everything because he "hated how things were left"??
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing unusual about his behavior. You broke up with him, but I'm sure there's plenty of things about you that he likes, hence the contact. But at times he must question the wisdom of getting back together with a girl who broke up with him and with whom he fights far too often. The attempts to reach you and the distance all make sense to me.
I don't think he has a master plan to string you along; he's just confused between wanting you back and moving on.
By Lee, 31, from United States:
I broke up with my (now ex-) boyfriend because we were arguing all the time. A week after we broke up he contacted me again apologizing and started texting me every day and calling me telling me he missed me and wanted us to be together. We each had our family vacations for the next 2 weeks and didn't see each other. (he lives 1.5 hrs away from me). He had invited me to his family vacation, but the next day said it wasn't a good idea for me to come and then cut off all contact for 2.5 weeks. Out of the blue this past Monday he contacts me asking me how I am doing. I didn't reply and he started saying how he understands why I wouldn't want to talk and he is sorry he hasn't called. He said the reason was because his parents had "issues" regarding our arguments that we had been having prior to the break up. Now...keep in mind he is 38 yrs old. I told him he should have let me know what was going on and I assumed he wasn't calling because he didn't want to be with me. He kepts texting me he's sorry, he doesn't want me to be mad, it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, blah, blah, blah. I asked him what he wanted to do now and he wanted to talk that night. We talked on the phone for over a hour...about normal stuff. Like we did when we were together. Nothing was said about the relationship. He said he would call me the next night but didn't. But he has text me a few times. What is up with this? Does he want to get together again and just being cautious and taking it slow or is he stringing me along? Or did he really just want to explain everything because he "hated how things were left"??
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing unusual about his behavior. You broke up with him, but I'm sure there's plenty of things about you that he likes, hence the contact. But at times he must question the wisdom of getting back together with a girl who broke up with him and with whom he fights far too often. The attempts to reach you and the distance all make sense to me.
I don't think he has a master plan to string you along; he's just confused between wanting you back and moving on.
The things he is doing are creeping me out
Submitted on Thursday, July 24, 2008
By Nina, 23, from Ontario:
Why would this guy constantly stare at me, follow behind me when I get up from my seat at work, sit outside in his car in my neighbourhood and watch me walk my dog, make a howl sound when I walk by him at work, attempts to talk to me but ends up fidgeting, biting his nails, shaking his feet and just starring blank sitting in front of me, also tells people that he likes that there is an innocence about me. Then, when I don't respond to his advances, says I not mature enough. The reason why I have not acknowledege his advances is because the things he is doing are creeping me out. He makes me extremely uncomfortable and nervous.
VictorM's answer:
You answered your own question: he does those things because he's a creep.
He sits in his car and watches you walk your dog? Creepy!
By Nina, 23, from Ontario:
Why would this guy constantly stare at me, follow behind me when I get up from my seat at work, sit outside in his car in my neighbourhood and watch me walk my dog, make a howl sound when I walk by him at work, attempts to talk to me but ends up fidgeting, biting his nails, shaking his feet and just starring blank sitting in front of me, also tells people that he likes that there is an innocence about me. Then, when I don't respond to his advances, says I not mature enough. The reason why I have not acknowledege his advances is because the things he is doing are creeping me out. He makes me extremely uncomfortable and nervous.
VictorM's answer:
You answered your own question: he does those things because he's a creep.
He sits in his car and watches you walk your dog? Creepy!
He is absolutely a doll
Submitted on Thursday, July 24, 2008
By Eli, 19, from TN:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is absolutely a doll. Couldn't ask for a better man. He took me in when my mom kicked me out when I was 17. (he was only 21 at the time) He's a hard worker, great provider, and is putting me through college (and he is sexy which is a plus)...
By Eli, 19, from TN:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is absolutely a doll. Couldn't ask for a better man. He took me in when my mom kicked me out when I was 17. (he was only 21 at the time) He's a hard worker, great provider, and is putting me through college (and he is sexy which is a plus)...
But I have one small problem. Lately he has been hinting towards marrying me. And what I mean by hinting, is leaving little notes putting his last name on my first name. Cute little things like that. Flowers, cards, telling me he loves me "Mrs. (his last name)". Exactly what does him doing this mean? I am confused. I would love for him to be being real. And ask me. But is that what he's trying to do? Just ask me in a round - about, non-traditional way?......
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure he'll ask you to marry him when he's ready. I see his current behavior as simply a man being romantic and letting you know that he's deeply into you.
I would suspect that when he asks you to marry him, he'll do it in a very traditional way. He sounds like the "on his knees" kinda guy.
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure he'll ask you to marry him when he's ready. I see his current behavior as simply a man being romantic and letting you know that he's deeply into you.
I would suspect that when he asks you to marry him, he'll do it in a very traditional way. He sounds like the "on his knees" kinda guy.
I am totally in love with a friend
Submitted on Thursday, July 24, 2008
By Melissa, 31, from UK:
What should I do if I have this feeling that I am totally in love with a friend but he just wants to be friends?
I have this feeling that I can't live without him and that I'll never find anyone better. I have tried mixing around and meeting new people but I somehow can't forget him. I consider myself an attractive girl and am struggling to understand why he doesn't want me. Maybe I'm just in denial.
I want to tell him how I wish we could be together but I don't want to come across as being so desperate, which in actual fact I am! Could he ever change his mind?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he could still change, but that's not very likely.
Didn't you already tell him that you wish you could be together? If you haven't, I don't see why you shouldn't tell him. It may not make a difference, but you should remove that doubt from your mind and tell him.
Just because you like him romantically and you're good friends doesn't mean that he has to like you romantically in return. Romantic attraction is a beast all of its own, which no one really seems to be able to explain. It's not a reflection on you at all; it's just the way life is.
By Melissa, 31, from UK:
What should I do if I have this feeling that I am totally in love with a friend but he just wants to be friends?
I have this feeling that I can't live without him and that I'll never find anyone better. I have tried mixing around and meeting new people but I somehow can't forget him. I consider myself an attractive girl and am struggling to understand why he doesn't want me. Maybe I'm just in denial.
I want to tell him how I wish we could be together but I don't want to come across as being so desperate, which in actual fact I am! Could he ever change his mind?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he could still change, but that's not very likely.
Didn't you already tell him that you wish you could be together? If you haven't, I don't see why you shouldn't tell him. It may not make a difference, but you should remove that doubt from your mind and tell him.
Just because you like him romantically and you're good friends doesn't mean that he has to like you romantically in return. Romantic attraction is a beast all of its own, which no one really seems to be able to explain. It's not a reflection on you at all; it's just the way life is.
Makeup artist
Submitted on Tuesday, July 22, 2008
By Shanarieece, 18, from California:
Okay, me and my boyfriend are moving in together sometime next month and were both really excited about it. He's a really good guy and he treats me better than any guy ever has before. The thing is, i have no family that i can turn to if it ends up not working out. When i try and tell him that im kind of afraid to do this because for the first few months i'll be totally dependent on him, he just says 'Why would you say its not going to work out?' What he doesnt understand is that im not saying its not going to, im just saying what if? I mean you never know, we can end up not liking each other as much as we thought we did. I'd have nowhere to go, i'd have no money, no car. I'm stuck. I really do want to go through with this i just wish he would understand. One of the main things that scares me is that he wants to be a welder which is perfectly fine with me, im glad he's happy doing that but he cannot stand that i want to be a makeup artist. He gets so upset saying they are two totally different careers and a makeup artist doesn't make enough money. He practically said that if i pursue being a makeup artist than it would eventually break us up. Another thing is he said he doesnt want to have kids for about another 8 years. (right now hes 20 and im 18) which is a problem for me because i wanted to have kids at a younger age, around 23/24. I wouldnt get pregnant on purpose because i dont want to end up being a single mom, but he wont even reason with me about it. He DOES NOT want kids until then and thats it. So basically i have to change my dreams and things i want so we can be together and make him happy? I dont think its fair to me. Im not sure how to talk to him about it. I really do love him and i guess i would be willing to change things for him but i dont really want to. He's not making sacrafices for me like that. I dont want to be unhappy in the future just because of a few stupid things. I really do love him and i just wish he would understand some of the things i want. Is there a way i can make him understand or negotiate with me or something!? I really want this to work out i just dont want to break up about it or end up unhappy because i agreed to what he wanted. I mean i do understand his side to things, and he is not controlling at all (even though it might sound like it from what i wrote), i just wish there was a way we can work this out.
By Shanarieece, 18, from California:
Okay, me and my boyfriend are moving in together sometime next month and were both really excited about it. He's a really good guy and he treats me better than any guy ever has before. The thing is, i have no family that i can turn to if it ends up not working out. When i try and tell him that im kind of afraid to do this because for the first few months i'll be totally dependent on him, he just says 'Why would you say its not going to work out?' What he doesnt understand is that im not saying its not going to, im just saying what if? I mean you never know, we can end up not liking each other as much as we thought we did. I'd have nowhere to go, i'd have no money, no car. I'm stuck. I really do want to go through with this i just wish he would understand. One of the main things that scares me is that he wants to be a welder which is perfectly fine with me, im glad he's happy doing that but he cannot stand that i want to be a makeup artist. He gets so upset saying they are two totally different careers and a makeup artist doesn't make enough money. He practically said that if i pursue being a makeup artist than it would eventually break us up. Another thing is he said he doesnt want to have kids for about another 8 years. (right now hes 20 and im 18) which is a problem for me because i wanted to have kids at a younger age, around 23/24. I wouldnt get pregnant on purpose because i dont want to end up being a single mom, but he wont even reason with me about it. He DOES NOT want kids until then and thats it. So basically i have to change my dreams and things i want so we can be together and make him happy? I dont think its fair to me. Im not sure how to talk to him about it. I really do love him and i guess i would be willing to change things for him but i dont really want to. He's not making sacrafices for me like that. I dont want to be unhappy in the future just because of a few stupid things. I really do love him and i just wish he would understand some of the things i want. Is there a way i can make him understand or negotiate with me or something!? I really want this to work out i just dont want to break up about it or end up unhappy because i agreed to what he wanted. I mean i do understand his side to things, and he is not controlling at all (even though it might sound like it from what i wrote), i just wish there was a way we can work this out.
Thank you sooooo much for any advice!
VictorM's advice:
With the types of issues you describe, moving in together sounds premature to me. What's the rush?
You don't have to change your dreams, however, if you do, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's being very clear about what he wants and expects. You are staying with him even though it contradicts what you want. Rather than dealing with the facts you have, you're hoping he'll change or that he could be different. It is a foolish and immature way to deal with your life.
But you love him, right? And I assume that somewhere, somehow, you have been led to believe that love is all you need -- it's not!
Here's the best advice I have for you: don't move in together, go to makeup school, get a job, save money, become self-reliant financially, and if this guy stays along for the ride, great, if not, you saved yourself from a very unhappy life, which is what's most likely in store for you if you move in together now. Face it: neither one of you is ready to handle living together.
VictorM's advice:
With the types of issues you describe, moving in together sounds premature to me. What's the rush?
You don't have to change your dreams, however, if you do, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's being very clear about what he wants and expects. You are staying with him even though it contradicts what you want. Rather than dealing with the facts you have, you're hoping he'll change or that he could be different. It is a foolish and immature way to deal with your life.
But you love him, right? And I assume that somewhere, somehow, you have been led to believe that love is all you need -- it's not!
Here's the best advice I have for you: don't move in together, go to makeup school, get a job, save money, become self-reliant financially, and if this guy stays along for the ride, great, if not, you saved yourself from a very unhappy life, which is what's most likely in store for you if you move in together now. Face it: neither one of you is ready to handle living together.
An effort to see me before he leaves
Submitted on Tuesday, July 22, 2008
By Marie, 23, from Washington:
I left a question the begining of this month about my friend that joined the military we've been friends for six years and he said that he loved me. Well he was just recently home on leave for 15 days before he gets shipped out for a year and I didn't hear from him once. I'm a little confused. I know that he was busy with family and friends but if a guy was into me wouldn't he make an effort to see me before he leaves?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he would.
This is a perfect case of actions speaking louder than words.
By Marie, 23, from Washington:
I left a question the begining of this month about my friend that joined the military we've been friends for six years and he said that he loved me. Well he was just recently home on leave for 15 days before he gets shipped out for a year and I didn't hear from him once. I'm a little confused. I know that he was busy with family and friends but if a guy was into me wouldn't he make an effort to see me before he leaves?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he would.
This is a perfect case of actions speaking louder than words.
Monday, July 28, 2008
He went into the hospital and disappered
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By Anne, 20, from Pittsburgh:
My ex and I met through work in January. He was six years older than me and had a two year old daughter with his ex. We were happy. He told me he had never been so comfortable around anyone else, I made him the happiest he had ever been, and that he thought we were meant to be. So when he went into the hospital and disappered so no one could find him, I was worried. Then his ex sent me myspace messages telling me how they got together all the time behind my back. I freaked out. I called and left nasty voicemails (because he wouldnt answer his phone) saying that I hated him and regretted everything with him. I told his best friend i would walk out on him if he came to work. well his best friend told him and he wouldnt come to work until i agreed to not walk out. he explained to me that he was in the hospital because he had attempted suicide. i was speechless. so he came back to work and i didnt talk to him. but eventually i did. he tried flirting with me but i pushed him away. i was so mad. he told me that his ex has done this before that she breaks up his relationships and says he cheats with her. then he asked me if there would be another chance i didnt give a clear answer. i was just so mad at him. i didnt even want to see him. so over the next few days he would flirt with the other girls. and when i got my schedule his ex was going to work at the store. he told me it was for one shift and that he didn't ask her to do it, his boss did. i was so pissed i quit. i threw my uniform at him and walked out. for three days he fought me literally begging me that he didn't want me to quit because i was a good worker and he wanted me to stay for at least one more week. i refused. then he just stopped. then exactly two weeks after i quit, he quit. Titles his myspace with "i say five vowels and three syllables there unnoticed and your so dreamable" yet he had deleted me and added his ex. his best friend will randomly talk to me (he had told me that i was an awesome girlfriend and he didn't want me to leave) and ask me to come party with him. i always say no. i havent heard anything since. So my question is why did he do all that? Did i drive him to it? Did he cheat? Did he actually care? Why won't he talk to me?
VictorM's advice:
Some men are liars, cheaters, irresponsible, unreliable, and cowardly. Seems like you hit the jackpot when you stumbled onto this guy. He was all those things before he met you; he'll be all those things without you around. It's nothing you did and nothing that you can say or do will change any of that.
By Anne, 20, from Pittsburgh:
My ex and I met through work in January. He was six years older than me and had a two year old daughter with his ex. We were happy. He told me he had never been so comfortable around anyone else, I made him the happiest he had ever been, and that he thought we were meant to be. So when he went into the hospital and disappered so no one could find him, I was worried. Then his ex sent me myspace messages telling me how they got together all the time behind my back. I freaked out. I called and left nasty voicemails (because he wouldnt answer his phone) saying that I hated him and regretted everything with him. I told his best friend i would walk out on him if he came to work. well his best friend told him and he wouldnt come to work until i agreed to not walk out. he explained to me that he was in the hospital because he had attempted suicide. i was speechless. so he came back to work and i didnt talk to him. but eventually i did. he tried flirting with me but i pushed him away. i was so mad. he told me that his ex has done this before that she breaks up his relationships and says he cheats with her. then he asked me if there would be another chance i didnt give a clear answer. i was just so mad at him. i didnt even want to see him. so over the next few days he would flirt with the other girls. and when i got my schedule his ex was going to work at the store. he told me it was for one shift and that he didn't ask her to do it, his boss did. i was so pissed i quit. i threw my uniform at him and walked out. for three days he fought me literally begging me that he didn't want me to quit because i was a good worker and he wanted me to stay for at least one more week. i refused. then he just stopped. then exactly two weeks after i quit, he quit. Titles his myspace with "i say five vowels and three syllables there unnoticed and your so dreamable" yet he had deleted me and added his ex. his best friend will randomly talk to me (he had told me that i was an awesome girlfriend and he didn't want me to leave) and ask me to come party with him. i always say no. i havent heard anything since. So my question is why did he do all that? Did i drive him to it? Did he cheat? Did he actually care? Why won't he talk to me?
VictorM's advice:
Some men are liars, cheaters, irresponsible, unreliable, and cowardly. Seems like you hit the jackpot when you stumbled onto this guy. He was all those things before he met you; he'll be all those things without you around. It's nothing you did and nothing that you can say or do will change any of that.
I want to back off a little
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By Kathryn, 19, from East Coast:
I met this guy late summer of last year; instantly had a crush on him...circumstances, which include his best friend having a thing for me, kept anything from happening. We talked occasionally just a friendly acquaintance thing for the next few months. Then in April we both admitted to kinda having a thing for each other. I went for a visit about a month later, and we spent the night together. Nothing significant happened, just had a good time hanging out basically. We've spent as much time together as possible the last two months...but sometimes I'll see him and then I won't hear from him for days. And sometimes he'll return a text or phone call and other times won't. I worry that I've been too clingy; I dunno. I want to back off a little, you know make him miss me, but i don't want him to start thinking im not interested either. I'm kinda in a hard place.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I wish I had the right answer for that situation. Lining up a girl's need for contact with a guy's is simply a near impossible task.
I would just suggest that you don't back off. Show him the kind of attention you feel is right for how you feel. But also accept that as a guy, he simply won't answer you as much as you'd like and don't take that as lack of interest in you. You only become needy if you need him to reply to you as often as you think he should and he doesn't.
By Kathryn, 19, from East Coast:
I met this guy late summer of last year; instantly had a crush on him...circumstances, which include his best friend having a thing for me, kept anything from happening. We talked occasionally just a friendly acquaintance thing for the next few months. Then in April we both admitted to kinda having a thing for each other. I went for a visit about a month later, and we spent the night together. Nothing significant happened, just had a good time hanging out basically. We've spent as much time together as possible the last two months...but sometimes I'll see him and then I won't hear from him for days. And sometimes he'll return a text or phone call and other times won't. I worry that I've been too clingy; I dunno. I want to back off a little, you know make him miss me, but i don't want him to start thinking im not interested either. I'm kinda in a hard place.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I wish I had the right answer for that situation. Lining up a girl's need for contact with a guy's is simply a near impossible task.
I would just suggest that you don't back off. Show him the kind of attention you feel is right for how you feel. But also accept that as a guy, he simply won't answer you as much as you'd like and don't take that as lack of interest in you. You only become needy if you need him to reply to you as often as you think he should and he doesn't.
I just want to look great
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By kate, 28:
I was hopelessly in love with a guy in high school. He had a girlfriend, we were no more than class friends. He was really cool and I was not, we hung out in different crowds. But we had this one class together, and we always sat together and just made each other laugh the entire time, and he was just the sweetest, funniest guy. Anyway, my 10 year reunion is coming up...I've lost about 20 lbs since high school, have had a fairly successful start on my career. While I know that everyone looks great in different clothes, based on body type and preference, (I happen to be under 5'2", busty and petite) I was just wondering if there are any almost "universal" outfits that tend to make a guy's eyes pop? I've heard red shoes, hair down, and either a skirt or a dress...is this right/is there anything else? I just want to look great, and feel amazing so that I can be my most confident (which I know is the sexiest thing of all).
VictorM's advice:
If you wear anything that makes you feel good and sexy, the whole world will see you that way. It all starts with you.
But heck, there is one thing that escapes no guy: cleavage! And since you're busty, why not make him drown in envy by having a tastefully visible cleavage?
And yes, skirt or dress instead of pants. Red shoes? I suppose, yes.
And sexy underwear, just in case you're wildly successful. :)
By kate, 28:
I was hopelessly in love with a guy in high school. He had a girlfriend, we were no more than class friends. He was really cool and I was not, we hung out in different crowds. But we had this one class together, and we always sat together and just made each other laugh the entire time, and he was just the sweetest, funniest guy. Anyway, my 10 year reunion is coming up...I've lost about 20 lbs since high school, have had a fairly successful start on my career. While I know that everyone looks great in different clothes, based on body type and preference, (I happen to be under 5'2", busty and petite) I was just wondering if there are any almost "universal" outfits that tend to make a guy's eyes pop? I've heard red shoes, hair down, and either a skirt or a dress...is this right/is there anything else? I just want to look great, and feel amazing so that I can be my most confident (which I know is the sexiest thing of all).
VictorM's advice:
If you wear anything that makes you feel good and sexy, the whole world will see you that way. It all starts with you.
But heck, there is one thing that escapes no guy: cleavage! And since you're busty, why not make him drown in envy by having a tastefully visible cleavage?
And yes, skirt or dress instead of pants. Red shoes? I suppose, yes.
And sexy underwear, just in case you're wildly successful. :)
I want to slow things down
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By Danielle, 23, from LA:
By Danielle, 23, from LA:
Hi Victor! I've been dating this really nice guy for about a month now and he is hinting at wanting a relationship soon (which isn't a bad thing). We get along good and he is funny, smart, and definitely into me. Lately we've been spending hours, and I mean hours together. Just last week we spend 6 straight hours together, 3 days in a row. I like him, but I don't want things to fizzle out before they really get going. How do I tell him I want to slow things down without scaring him away or making it seem like I don't like him anymore? Or is it too late?
VictorM's advice:
It's not too late but I don't think you should say you want to slow things down. Guys have a hard time processing that information in a positive manner. Right now he's so into you that he can't have enough of you. And you're right, that won't last. It will fizzle, but that's not a bad thing. Too many relationships suffer from suffocation and that's what could happen in your case unless there's more balance.
And that is what you need to find -- more balance. You do that by planning activities that include just you, your family, or your girlfriends. If he's the right guy for you, he should understand your need to do things without him.
If, for example, you enjoy being by yourself reading a book, mention that you're looking forward to doing just that. Again, it's important for him to start understanding the real you and for you to communicate the kind of person you are.
As long as you specify your needs (I need time to read, I like shopping with my girlfriends, etc.) and are not accusatory (you take too much of my time, we spend too much time together, you're suffocating me), if he places your happiness above his needs, he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, it really doesn't matter how funny and smart he is, he's just not the right guy for you.
VictorM's advice:
It's not too late but I don't think you should say you want to slow things down. Guys have a hard time processing that information in a positive manner. Right now he's so into you that he can't have enough of you. And you're right, that won't last. It will fizzle, but that's not a bad thing. Too many relationships suffer from suffocation and that's what could happen in your case unless there's more balance.
And that is what you need to find -- more balance. You do that by planning activities that include just you, your family, or your girlfriends. If he's the right guy for you, he should understand your need to do things without him.
If, for example, you enjoy being by yourself reading a book, mention that you're looking forward to doing just that. Again, it's important for him to start understanding the real you and for you to communicate the kind of person you are.
As long as you specify your needs (I need time to read, I like shopping with my girlfriends, etc.) and are not accusatory (you take too much of my time, we spend too much time together, you're suffocating me), if he places your happiness above his needs, he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, it really doesn't matter how funny and smart he is, he's just not the right guy for you.
Busy professional man
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By DEBBIE, 45, from SAVANNAH:
I have been seeing a very busy professional man (CIO for a company) for three months. Very nice, we go to plays, musicals, dinner, walks, riding harleys etc. But he seldom calls. Just when he has free time. I feel things are going slow. He hasn’t said we are dating, but he or I are not seeing anyone else. Is slow good? And is not calling everyday slow or lack of interest?
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally can't multi-task. A successful man like your guy probably focus on his work when he's working and nothing else. That may not be what you want, but he's just being a typical guy. His lack of contacting you as often as you'd like is not a reflection of his feelings for you.
Guys also prefer to go into a relationship at a much slower pace than females do. So again, his behavior is consistent with that of a typical guy.
Ultimately, you have to decide if you can live with this behavior because the odds that he'll change are remote.
By DEBBIE, 45, from SAVANNAH:
I have been seeing a very busy professional man (CIO for a company) for three months. Very nice, we go to plays, musicals, dinner, walks, riding harleys etc. But he seldom calls. Just when he has free time. I feel things are going slow. He hasn’t said we are dating, but he or I are not seeing anyone else. Is slow good? And is not calling everyday slow or lack of interest?
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally can't multi-task. A successful man like your guy probably focus on his work when he's working and nothing else. That may not be what you want, but he's just being a typical guy. His lack of contacting you as often as you'd like is not a reflection of his feelings for you.
Guys also prefer to go into a relationship at a much slower pace than females do. So again, his behavior is consistent with that of a typical guy.
Ultimately, you have to decide if you can live with this behavior because the odds that he'll change are remote.
Lover on steroids
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By ALANA, 21:
OH MY GOODNESS... Okay, so, i'm done and over with the situation with "M". YOu know that story. Now with "T"..the "lover on steroids".. -the guy who spoils me ROTTEN, calls when he says he'll call, email's when he says he will, buys me tremendous amounts of gifts, takes me out to eat, to watch movies, he spends a shitload on me, and has stated all these "i wanna be with you" "i don't wanna lose you" "ur special to me" "i don't wanna fuck this up" ETC..... but ANYWAY...
I just found out from a trusted and CLOSE friend of mine (who also happens to work on the same ship as "T")... he witnessed "T" trying to get with another girl. My TRUSTED friend talked to THAT GIRL, and found out some information that I'm not too happy with... In other words... "T" is a little cheater.
I am sooo happy that I didn't give "T" SHIT! I did NOTHING sexual with him, and I am soo glad I had my guard up! I can't express how IMPORTANT it is to TRUST YOUR GUT when you feel that something is just..."not right".... this "T" was just TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE... I had a feeling it was like that... and my goodness, it WAS!!! Where are all the genuinely good guys?? I thought "T" was a genuinely good guy! Well..he WAS moving a little too fast in the beginning...and I WAS a little sketchy about that. What should i DO?? Should I confront him about what I know once he gets back from being underway? Or should I stay in this and suck him dry of his gold for the hell of it (without me giving anything)??
What do you think V??
VictorM's advice:
How cool... I'm on a first letter basis. :)
Be done with T. Yes, he sounded too good to be true. So what do you do? You move on.
Finding good guys is not an easy task, but they are out there. You just have to focus your energy to finding one instead of spending it with T. He's got nothing but more empty promises and bullshit for you.
By ALANA, 21:
OH MY GOODNESS... Okay, so, i'm done and over with the situation with "M". YOu know that story. Now with "T"..the "lover on steroids".. -the guy who spoils me ROTTEN, calls when he says he'll call, email's when he says he will, buys me tremendous amounts of gifts, takes me out to eat, to watch movies, he spends a shitload on me, and has stated all these "i wanna be with you" "i don't wanna lose you" "ur special to me" "i don't wanna fuck this up" ETC..... but ANYWAY...
I just found out from a trusted and CLOSE friend of mine (who also happens to work on the same ship as "T")... he witnessed "T" trying to get with another girl. My TRUSTED friend talked to THAT GIRL, and found out some information that I'm not too happy with... In other words... "T" is a little cheater.
I am sooo happy that I didn't give "T" SHIT! I did NOTHING sexual with him, and I am soo glad I had my guard up! I can't express how IMPORTANT it is to TRUST YOUR GUT when you feel that something is just..."not right".... this "T" was just TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE... I had a feeling it was like that... and my goodness, it WAS!!! Where are all the genuinely good guys?? I thought "T" was a genuinely good guy! Well..he WAS moving a little too fast in the beginning...and I WAS a little sketchy about that. What should i DO?? Should I confront him about what I know once he gets back from being underway? Or should I stay in this and suck him dry of his gold for the hell of it (without me giving anything)??
What do you think V??
VictorM's advice:
How cool... I'm on a first letter basis. :)
Be done with T. Yes, he sounded too good to be true. So what do you do? You move on.
Finding good guys is not an easy task, but they are out there. You just have to focus your energy to finding one instead of spending it with T. He's got nothing but more empty promises and bullshit for you.
He's lousy in bed
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Frustrated, 30-something, from Victoria:
How do I tell my man he's lousy in bed? I care about him and don't want to hurt him, but he doesn't seem to care about my pleasure, and I want to fix it for both of us. How does one say that to a guy?
VictorM's advice:
One doesn't ever say to the guy that he's lousy. Ever!
Guys are very goal-oriented. Many guys feel that an erection is wasted unless it's used in intercourse and ejaculation. You need to change that goal. Set new objectives. And then train the guy to want those goals too.
Let's say, for example, that you'd like to engage in more kissing before getting into sex. Explicitly define that as the goal. Reward him with praise if he complies. Refuse to go on unless you've accomplished most of what you wanted.
Blame Cosmopolitan, if you have too. Say you read something in an article and you think it would be fun to try it. Then try anything you want... less oral sex, more oral sex, toys, clothing, etc. Each time, define a goal and praise him when he seems to get it.
A lot of times lovers like him are just afraid to try different things for fear of being called kinky, so they stick to the very basics. Don't be afraid to mention what you would like to do. Sure, he could get turned off by your ideas, but if he does, the sooner you get rid of him the better.
Of course, there is the chance that he just wants what he wants and could care less about your pleasure. As the old saying goes: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. In this case, you can try professional therapy, or better yet, find yourself a new lover.
By Frustrated, 30-something, from Victoria:
How do I tell my man he's lousy in bed? I care about him and don't want to hurt him, but he doesn't seem to care about my pleasure, and I want to fix it for both of us. How does one say that to a guy?
VictorM's advice:
One doesn't ever say to the guy that he's lousy. Ever!
Guys are very goal-oriented. Many guys feel that an erection is wasted unless it's used in intercourse and ejaculation. You need to change that goal. Set new objectives. And then train the guy to want those goals too.
Let's say, for example, that you'd like to engage in more kissing before getting into sex. Explicitly define that as the goal. Reward him with praise if he complies. Refuse to go on unless you've accomplished most of what you wanted.
Blame Cosmopolitan, if you have too. Say you read something in an article and you think it would be fun to try it. Then try anything you want... less oral sex, more oral sex, toys, clothing, etc. Each time, define a goal and praise him when he seems to get it.
A lot of times lovers like him are just afraid to try different things for fear of being called kinky, so they stick to the very basics. Don't be afraid to mention what you would like to do. Sure, he could get turned off by your ideas, but if he does, the sooner you get rid of him the better.
Of course, there is the chance that he just wants what he wants and could care less about your pleasure. As the old saying goes: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. In this case, you can try professional therapy, or better yet, find yourself a new lover.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
He never worked up the courage to call me
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Natasha, 17:
I've been crazy about my best guy friend for a long time. After realizing that things aren't going to happen (at least not now certainly, he has things that he, as he said , needs to work out on his own.) I let myself heal and move on. I soon after I met, well actually re-met, this guy. We'd met a while ago and lost contact. He'd apparently asked my best friend for my # then never worked up the courage to call me. So we started talking again and my best friend told me every things he's been telling her, which is basically that he likes me and wants to ask me out really badly but is afraid I'm gonna say no. He calls me beautiful and just talks and argues with me (not in a bad way, like the fun arguing) and seems really sincere and we have so many things in common. It became really obvious that he was into me and that I was getting interested in him and my friend had been trying to convince him that I would totally say yes if he's just ask, but he's still convinced there is no way I'll say yes. Things seemed to be going great, with the exception of him not asking me yet, until a few days ago. He apparently has a girlfriend that he's been with for a while and didn't tell me and happened to mention it to my friend. She tried to ask him wat the deal was with him messing with me since he's spoken for, but we think he's ignoring her calls and texts. But he still picks up the phone for me, which is odd since idk I'd think that he'd wanna avoid me too. He knows somethings bugging me and texted my friend wanting to know if I'm okay so idk. I want to confront him about this, but I don't think he knows that I know he's planning on asking me out. And then on top of all this, that best guy friend totally started acting weird... almost jealous. When he found out about this new guy (I hadn't gotten to tell him yet and he overheard me talking to someone about the guy), it was like he was trying to one up him or something and was like, "Do you actually LIKE him?" and just stuff like that. He knows I wouldn't date someone unless I did so idk y he's acting so weird, especially when I tried to ask what was up with him, or wat this guy's deal is cause he really seemed like he'd be a good guy until this came up. Can you explain ANY of this to me so maybe I can figure out what to do?
VictorM's advice:
As far as the first guy not having asked you out yet... many guys enjoy the journey more than they enjoy the destination. Maybe he'll ask you out, maybe he won't, but he's enjoying the gamesmanship. And he gets to keep his girlfriend. Life is good as is, why ask you out and risk spoiling it?
As far as the second guy... any guy coming into your life will take your attention away from him. Besides, guys are competitive in this way. He can't believe you actually like a creep that still has a girlfriend while talking to you. (I don't know that he knows all that, but if he finds out, he'll think you're losing your marbles).
By Natasha, 17:
I've been crazy about my best guy friend for a long time. After realizing that things aren't going to happen (at least not now certainly, he has things that he, as he said , needs to work out on his own.) I let myself heal and move on. I soon after I met, well actually re-met, this guy. We'd met a while ago and lost contact. He'd apparently asked my best friend for my # then never worked up the courage to call me. So we started talking again and my best friend told me every things he's been telling her, which is basically that he likes me and wants to ask me out really badly but is afraid I'm gonna say no. He calls me beautiful and just talks and argues with me (not in a bad way, like the fun arguing) and seems really sincere and we have so many things in common. It became really obvious that he was into me and that I was getting interested in him and my friend had been trying to convince him that I would totally say yes if he's just ask, but he's still convinced there is no way I'll say yes. Things seemed to be going great, with the exception of him not asking me yet, until a few days ago. He apparently has a girlfriend that he's been with for a while and didn't tell me and happened to mention it to my friend. She tried to ask him wat the deal was with him messing with me since he's spoken for, but we think he's ignoring her calls and texts. But he still picks up the phone for me, which is odd since idk I'd think that he'd wanna avoid me too. He knows somethings bugging me and texted my friend wanting to know if I'm okay so idk. I want to confront him about this, but I don't think he knows that I know he's planning on asking me out. And then on top of all this, that best guy friend totally started acting weird... almost jealous. When he found out about this new guy (I hadn't gotten to tell him yet and he overheard me talking to someone about the guy), it was like he was trying to one up him or something and was like, "Do you actually LIKE him?" and just stuff like that. He knows I wouldn't date someone unless I did so idk y he's acting so weird, especially when I tried to ask what was up with him, or wat this guy's deal is cause he really seemed like he'd be a good guy until this came up. Can you explain ANY of this to me so maybe I can figure out what to do?
VictorM's advice:
As far as the first guy not having asked you out yet... many guys enjoy the journey more than they enjoy the destination. Maybe he'll ask you out, maybe he won't, but he's enjoying the gamesmanship. And he gets to keep his girlfriend. Life is good as is, why ask you out and risk spoiling it?
As far as the second guy... any guy coming into your life will take your attention away from him. Besides, guys are competitive in this way. He can't believe you actually like a creep that still has a girlfriend while talking to you. (I don't know that he knows all that, but if he finds out, he'll think you're losing your marbles).
Friday, July 25, 2008
I met this guy online who is from France
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Tiffany, 18, from Mississippi:
Ok. I'm 18 and about to start college. I'm looking forward to the new experience and dating as well. But I met this guy online who is from France and apparently in love with me and has no problem coming to see me. I'm more afraid than nervous due to what i've seen about online relationships. We're apparently dating now...how do I tell him that this isn't just gonna work out due to the long distance and that it seems too good to be true?
VictorM's advice:
It seems to good to be true? How so? The guy is thousands of miles away! How is that good? No, this is not to good to be true.
And what do you mean by "apparently dating"? Are you letting yourself be cornered into a situation that you don't want to be? That's what it seems to me.
I understand that you're enjoying all the online attention and that your imagination is filling in the voids with dashes or perfection, but come on, for all you now this guy uses no deodorant, his breath smells like cheese, and he changes underwear when there's a full moon.
Tell him you enjoy talking to him and that you'd like to continue to do so, but that you're also looking forward to college life and dating. It's not the time in your life to settle for anyone. You want to enjoy other experiences.
Then spend less time online.
By Tiffany, 18, from Mississippi:
Ok. I'm 18 and about to start college. I'm looking forward to the new experience and dating as well. But I met this guy online who is from France and apparently in love with me and has no problem coming to see me. I'm more afraid than nervous due to what i've seen about online relationships. We're apparently dating now...how do I tell him that this isn't just gonna work out due to the long distance and that it seems too good to be true?
VictorM's advice:
It seems to good to be true? How so? The guy is thousands of miles away! How is that good? No, this is not to good to be true.
And what do you mean by "apparently dating"? Are you letting yourself be cornered into a situation that you don't want to be? That's what it seems to me.
I understand that you're enjoying all the online attention and that your imagination is filling in the voids with dashes or perfection, but come on, for all you now this guy uses no deodorant, his breath smells like cheese, and he changes underwear when there's a full moon.
Tell him you enjoy talking to him and that you'd like to continue to do so, but that you're also looking forward to college life and dating. It's not the time in your life to settle for anyone. You want to enjoy other experiences.
Then spend less time online.
We've been like brother and sister for two years now
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Bethany, 19, from Toronto:
I am in desperate need of practical advice. I have-- or HAD-- a guy best friend, and we've been like brother and sister for two years now, as in absolutely, don't-go-there platonic.
Well, last month, we were VERY intoxicated, and we ended up in bed. We were on the verge of going all the way when I realized what a bad idea it was and I said, "Wait, we have to stop." Then he said, "Get dressed, I don't want to think about what just happened."
After he brought me home that night, we stopped talking for the next couple of weeks. Finally, I swallowed my pride and called him up like I usually would, just to try to get things back to normal. When I asked him how he was and when we were going to hang out, he was somewhat cold and told me that he would see me some other time.
I've read your advice to girls who found themselves in similar situations, but my dilemma in this case is, how do I get my friend back? I want to make it clear that I have absolutely no romantic interest in him, and I'm actually worried that he might think that because of what happened, I like him THAT WAY. That's really not the case, I just want the friendship back. How do I make it clear to him that I still see him as my best guy friend, and that all I want is for things to get back to normal?
VictorM's advice:
Telling him you have no romantic feelings for him poses a problem because: a) maybe he does like you romantically, you just haven't noticed, and your confession (in his mind, rejection) will only drive him further away, or b) you'd be crushing his ego (even if he doesn't want you romantically, his ego will want you to want him). So, whatever you do, don't bring this topic.
Avoid discussions about that night and just keep trying to call him as you have in the past and plan similar types of activities as if nothing ever happened. It may take some time and a few tries, but the best way to get things back to normal is to act normal and the best way to get over the incident is to not bring up the incident. Do what you have always done and give him some time to sort out his thoughts.
But there are times when a certain event changes things forever. This maybe such a case.
By Bethany, 19, from Toronto:
I am in desperate need of practical advice. I have-- or HAD-- a guy best friend, and we've been like brother and sister for two years now, as in absolutely, don't-go-there platonic.
Well, last month, we were VERY intoxicated, and we ended up in bed. We were on the verge of going all the way when I realized what a bad idea it was and I said, "Wait, we have to stop." Then he said, "Get dressed, I don't want to think about what just happened."
After he brought me home that night, we stopped talking for the next couple of weeks. Finally, I swallowed my pride and called him up like I usually would, just to try to get things back to normal. When I asked him how he was and when we were going to hang out, he was somewhat cold and told me that he would see me some other time.
I've read your advice to girls who found themselves in similar situations, but my dilemma in this case is, how do I get my friend back? I want to make it clear that I have absolutely no romantic interest in him, and I'm actually worried that he might think that because of what happened, I like him THAT WAY. That's really not the case, I just want the friendship back. How do I make it clear to him that I still see him as my best guy friend, and that all I want is for things to get back to normal?
VictorM's advice:
Telling him you have no romantic feelings for him poses a problem because: a) maybe he does like you romantically, you just haven't noticed, and your confession (in his mind, rejection) will only drive him further away, or b) you'd be crushing his ego (even if he doesn't want you romantically, his ego will want you to want him). So, whatever you do, don't bring this topic.
Avoid discussions about that night and just keep trying to call him as you have in the past and plan similar types of activities as if nothing ever happened. It may take some time and a few tries, but the best way to get things back to normal is to act normal and the best way to get over the incident is to not bring up the incident. Do what you have always done and give him some time to sort out his thoughts.
But there are times when a certain event changes things forever. This maybe such a case.
He says that he's confused and isn't ready for a relationship
Submitted on Saturday, July 19, 2008
By Chesarae, 27, from Midway, AR:
I recently met this guy who I clicked with like I never have before. He saw me at an event and thought I was pretty and so he asked a mutual friend to set us up. I've been divorced for 2 years and he has only been split up from his fiancee for 6 months. I was concerned, but he said that it wasn't a rebound thing. We both have a lot in commom and seemed to be on the same page. We've both told each other that we really, really liked each other. He's been texting me all the time and has said that I make him happy. He's pretty much returned all my feelings. Today, however, he says that he's confused and isn't ready for a relationship. He says it isn't me, but him. He just suddenly realized that he's not over his ex even though he said he was. He also said he's sorry for upsetting me and just wanted to be honest which I appreciate. I have been extremely honest about my feelings and wonder if he's scared of it getting too intense too fast. I think us talking about past relationships may have also brought up old feelings. I don't understand how he claimed to feel one way and 12 hours later another. I am backing off and giving him space. What does all this mean and do you think there is any chance he may be interested again in the future?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest in you. Don't count on him coming back.
What happens is when a guy jumps into a relationship with so much enthusiasm he is on a high. A few weeks into the relationship, when he comes down to Earth, he sees things differently.
He didn't lie to you early on; he meant everything he said, but his interest in you just suddenly faded. One moment he thinks you're perfection and then, when the dust settles, you can't live up to that image. Happens frequently.
By Chesarae, 27, from Midway, AR:
I recently met this guy who I clicked with like I never have before. He saw me at an event and thought I was pretty and so he asked a mutual friend to set us up. I've been divorced for 2 years and he has only been split up from his fiancee for 6 months. I was concerned, but he said that it wasn't a rebound thing. We both have a lot in commom and seemed to be on the same page. We've both told each other that we really, really liked each other. He's been texting me all the time and has said that I make him happy. He's pretty much returned all my feelings. Today, however, he says that he's confused and isn't ready for a relationship. He says it isn't me, but him. He just suddenly realized that he's not over his ex even though he said he was. He also said he's sorry for upsetting me and just wanted to be honest which I appreciate. I have been extremely honest about my feelings and wonder if he's scared of it getting too intense too fast. I think us talking about past relationships may have also brought up old feelings. I don't understand how he claimed to feel one way and 12 hours later another. I am backing off and giving him space. What does all this mean and do you think there is any chance he may be interested again in the future?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest in you. Don't count on him coming back.
What happens is when a guy jumps into a relationship with so much enthusiasm he is on a high. A few weeks into the relationship, when he comes down to Earth, he sees things differently.
He didn't lie to you early on; he meant everything he said, but his interest in you just suddenly faded. One moment he thinks you're perfection and then, when the dust settles, you can't live up to that image. Happens frequently.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
It was amazing
Submitted on Friday, July 18, 2008
By lorett, 20, from cleveland:
I dated this guy for two weeks. it was amazing. i dont know how but we clicked. he wanted to meet my parents and freinds. loved everyone. everyone told me you could see he really cared about me. on our end things moved very quickly physically. last time i saw him we had a normal night for us he kissed me and said hed call me on wedsneday. never did. he also signed me up for one of his softball teams paid for everything never told me when the gamne was on thursday. while we were together the few times i noticed if i was slightly late he would text asking if i was still coming. this came off as somewhat insecure to me. so did he use me for sex or is he scared? should i ask whats up or leave it alone?
VictorM's advice:
If he wanted you just for sex, wouldn't he still be having sex with you? Girls love to use this "he used me for sex" nonsense when you had sex because you chose to, didn't you?
Yeah, you should call him and ask what's up. I don't know if there's a legitimate reason for his behavior or not. Maybe there is. If there isn't, then he just got over you. It happens all the time, more so when the beginning is so intense.
By lorett, 20, from cleveland:
I dated this guy for two weeks. it was amazing. i dont know how but we clicked. he wanted to meet my parents and freinds. loved everyone. everyone told me you could see he really cared about me. on our end things moved very quickly physically. last time i saw him we had a normal night for us he kissed me and said hed call me on wedsneday. never did. he also signed me up for one of his softball teams paid for everything never told me when the gamne was on thursday. while we were together the few times i noticed if i was slightly late he would text asking if i was still coming. this came off as somewhat insecure to me. so did he use me for sex or is he scared? should i ask whats up or leave it alone?
VictorM's advice:
If he wanted you just for sex, wouldn't he still be having sex with you? Girls love to use this "he used me for sex" nonsense when you had sex because you chose to, didn't you?
Yeah, you should call him and ask what's up. I don't know if there's a legitimate reason for his behavior or not. Maybe there is. If there isn't, then he just got over you. It happens all the time, more so when the beginning is so intense.
I'm new and unexperienced
Submitted on Friday, July 18, 2008
By Hannah, 26, asks:
Hi, its Hannah from the HannahBanana submissions on the discussion forum. I am a 26 year old virgin ready to have sex with the guy, Dave, whom I've been dating for about a year. The thing is I'm new and unexperienced...and nervous too! I don't feel ready yet to do oral sex and I just wondered....what are other ways to please a man in sex without having to give a blowjob? (I know he likes oral, he has told me...I'm just not comfortable enough to do that yet)I want to please him and be good though. He knows Im a virgin. I might do oral eventually, but my first few times, I'm not even going to know what the heck I'm doing! Advice?
VictorM's advice:
Fancy meeting you here, Hannah. :)
Of course you'll know what to do; it's all instinct and following what feels good.
He doesn't need oral to feel good. Just start with touching. As long as he touches you and you touch him, you're on your way.
By Hannah, 26, asks:
Hi, its Hannah from the HannahBanana submissions on the discussion forum. I am a 26 year old virgin ready to have sex with the guy, Dave, whom I've been dating for about a year. The thing is I'm new and unexperienced...and nervous too! I don't feel ready yet to do oral sex and I just wondered....what are other ways to please a man in sex without having to give a blowjob? (I know he likes oral, he has told me...I'm just not comfortable enough to do that yet)I want to please him and be good though. He knows Im a virgin. I might do oral eventually, but my first few times, I'm not even going to know what the heck I'm doing! Advice?
VictorM's advice:
Fancy meeting you here, Hannah. :)
Of course you'll know what to do; it's all instinct and following what feels good.
He doesn't need oral to feel good. Just start with touching. As long as he touches you and you touch him, you're on your way.
He was freaked by how few guys I have slept with
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By Jenn, 29, from Anonymous:
You answered a question for a friend a few months back and it was right-on , so I figured I'd give this a try...
I dated this guy for about a month or so and we were really kind of intense--he was oddly expressive with personal thoughts, personal concerns, etc. Had an amazing spark between us. We never had sex, but came very close. It kind of fizzled in a weird way...My best guess is that we stopped seeing each other because he was freaked by how few guys I have slept with (thought that I would read way too much into it? I had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend). Anyway, he recently emailed me, asking me a lot of questions about what I was doing, how different things were going in my life, am I dating anyone, said he'd been dating someone for a couple of months and it was going well, and then continues on to ask me more questions! He had told me in the past that he couldn't just be friends with me because he's too attracted to me. My guy friends say that he's trying to make me jealous to try to get me to do something, but that just sounds strange! Is he still interested?!? If so, what does he expect that I'm going to do if he tells me that he's dating someone else?
VictorM's advice:
There isn't a mentally stable guy out there who would be turned off by you having too few lovers. If the opposite was true, if you had many lovers, I could see this turning off some guys, but too few? No way!
The mention of dating someone is a common tactic by guys to provoke a reaction and to solicit information from you. If he told you about his dating life, he's expecting you to tell him about yours. And he's hoping for a sign that you're disappointed with the news.
Is it possible that the way you two drifted away he has the feeling that you're the one that pushed him away?
Not having a better picture of why you drifted away, it's hard to tell if your guy friends are right. But if he can't be friends because you're too attractive, I can't imagine that his email is just a friendly gesture. I don't know his true motive, but it sounds to me like he's still interested in you.
I'm betting that he's thinking that you're the great one that got away and he wants another shot.
By Jenn, 29, from Anonymous:
You answered a question for a friend a few months back and it was right-on , so I figured I'd give this a try...
I dated this guy for about a month or so and we were really kind of intense--he was oddly expressive with personal thoughts, personal concerns, etc. Had an amazing spark between us. We never had sex, but came very close. It kind of fizzled in a weird way...My best guess is that we stopped seeing each other because he was freaked by how few guys I have slept with (thought that I would read way too much into it? I had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend). Anyway, he recently emailed me, asking me a lot of questions about what I was doing, how different things were going in my life, am I dating anyone, said he'd been dating someone for a couple of months and it was going well, and then continues on to ask me more questions! He had told me in the past that he couldn't just be friends with me because he's too attracted to me. My guy friends say that he's trying to make me jealous to try to get me to do something, but that just sounds strange! Is he still interested?!? If so, what does he expect that I'm going to do if he tells me that he's dating someone else?
VictorM's advice:
There isn't a mentally stable guy out there who would be turned off by you having too few lovers. If the opposite was true, if you had many lovers, I could see this turning off some guys, but too few? No way!
The mention of dating someone is a common tactic by guys to provoke a reaction and to solicit information from you. If he told you about his dating life, he's expecting you to tell him about yours. And he's hoping for a sign that you're disappointed with the news.
Is it possible that the way you two drifted away he has the feeling that you're the one that pushed him away?
Not having a better picture of why you drifted away, it's hard to tell if your guy friends are right. But if he can't be friends because you're too attractive, I can't imagine that his email is just a friendly gesture. I don't know his true motive, but it sounds to me like he's still interested in you.
I'm betting that he's thinking that you're the great one that got away and he wants another shot.
I have been playing it kind of cool
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By Jane, 22, from USA:
There's this guy i kind of liked. I have been playing it kind of cool, you know not texting him, not really flirting with him or anything, mainly because i don't want to get hurt, (and also because i have some major doubts about him). This is because i am pretty sure that he is not over his ex (even though she now lives in an entirely different country). For a while i thought that he liked me, he would do things like tuck my hair behind my ears and say 'let me see that beautiful face', and would come round and hang out etc. We went out drinking with some friends the other night, and things seemeed to go really well, you know, he seemed interested and even after the other friends left we still stayed out, but the thing is that after the weekend he updated his relationship status to down for whatever, and wrote something about how do you know if you have met the right girl etc. so im guessing that there never was any interest? that i'm imagining it?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he's interested in you or not, but jumping to any conclusions from what you stated makes no sense at all to me. None of it reflects on what he might or might not think of you. I think you're just letting your super protective guard cloud your judgment.
By Jane, 22, from USA:
There's this guy i kind of liked. I have been playing it kind of cool, you know not texting him, not really flirting with him or anything, mainly because i don't want to get hurt, (and also because i have some major doubts about him). This is because i am pretty sure that he is not over his ex (even though she now lives in an entirely different country). For a while i thought that he liked me, he would do things like tuck my hair behind my ears and say 'let me see that beautiful face', and would come round and hang out etc. We went out drinking with some friends the other night, and things seemeed to go really well, you know, he seemed interested and even after the other friends left we still stayed out, but the thing is that after the weekend he updated his relationship status to down for whatever, and wrote something about how do you know if you have met the right girl etc. so im guessing that there never was any interest? that i'm imagining it?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he's interested in you or not, but jumping to any conclusions from what you stated makes no sense at all to me. None of it reflects on what he might or might not think of you. I think you're just letting your super protective guard cloud your judgment.
To make love to you
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By Jessica, 19, from Long Island, New York:
Do guys have to be in love with you to make love to you?
VictorM's advice:
Not even remotely. We don't even have to like you. A bet, or simply you're the only one there willing, is reason enough. And if alcohol is involved, even Miss Piggy isn't safe.
By Jessica, 19, from Long Island, New York:
Do guys have to be in love with you to make love to you?
VictorM's advice:
Not even remotely. We don't even have to like you. A bet, or simply you're the only one there willing, is reason enough. And if alcohol is involved, even Miss Piggy isn't safe.
What’s a girl supposed to do?
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By lynda, 17, from texas:
Hey Victor! I’m so freakin' nervous... why??? I’m going home in 10 days (it’s been 3 weeks)! While I’ve been gone, my guy friend & I have been communicating daily & we’re progressing. But, I am so afraid my expectations are...well heck, I don't know what my expectations are! It feels like he's really into me but I just don't know for sure. Everything points that way except he doesn't say ANYTHING to confirm he feels that way. The only thing I do know…is that we’re great friends.
I really believe in my heart that our friendship is way more important than dating each other and while I don't want to ruin it, I can't help but get butterflies when I think of the possibility of “us.” How corny is that? Just yesterday, I told him I was going to kidnap him when I got back. He was very interested and actually flirty about it. ;)
I guess I don’t want to look/feel foolish when all along he’s just been thinking “FRIENDS” and I have been taking it as “MORE.” Man, that would totally suck. The thing is, I can’t and won’t say anything to him about it for now. But, oh gosh, what’s a girl supposed to do? And tell me, is it as hard being a guy in these situations as it is being a girl?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not hard for guys. My guess is that he's having a great time with all of this and isn't losing any sleep over it.
Whether he's thinking "more" or not -- I bet that like you, he is -- he will wait and take his time. For guys, the journey is as much fun as the destination.
By lynda, 17, from texas:
Hey Victor! I’m so freakin' nervous... why??? I’m going home in 10 days (it’s been 3 weeks)! While I’ve been gone, my guy friend & I have been communicating daily & we’re progressing. But, I am so afraid my expectations are...well heck, I don't know what my expectations are! It feels like he's really into me but I just don't know for sure. Everything points that way except he doesn't say ANYTHING to confirm he feels that way. The only thing I do know…is that we’re great friends.
I really believe in my heart that our friendship is way more important than dating each other and while I don't want to ruin it, I can't help but get butterflies when I think of the possibility of “us.” How corny is that? Just yesterday, I told him I was going to kidnap him when I got back. He was very interested and actually flirty about it. ;)
I guess I don’t want to look/feel foolish when all along he’s just been thinking “FRIENDS” and I have been taking it as “MORE.” Man, that would totally suck. The thing is, I can’t and won’t say anything to him about it for now. But, oh gosh, what’s a girl supposed to do? And tell me, is it as hard being a guy in these situations as it is being a girl?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not hard for guys. My guess is that he's having a great time with all of this and isn't losing any sleep over it.
Whether he's thinking "more" or not -- I bet that like you, he is -- he will wait and take his time. For guys, the journey is as much fun as the destination.
Inappropriate
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Les, 25, from NY:
Victor, I have a follow up question to your response to Marie K a couple of days ago. You said that sometimes guys like it when girls throw caution to the wind and might make him more interested later on.
I met this guy about a month and a half ago, and I really like spending time with him. However, I'm the type of person who likes to contact someone every day by phone calls, text message, go out and do stuff on a regular basis every couple of days, use terms of endearment, etc. I think he likes me too. At least he's said that he likes spending time with me, enjoys my company, finds me attractive, although he has never said "i like you". Also, he doesnt seem like he's the kind of guy who's into all of the things I've described above.
I just kind of want to go forward with it and maybe take the lead for a bit until he gets the hint. But on the other hand, I've always been taught that it's inappropriate for me, as the girl, to be suggesting dates and initiating conversations this early on, when we're still "casual dating", I'm suppose to play hard to get, you know? But I don't want to lose this guy and not get what I want over social mores, so what do you think I should do? Play the girl or throw caution to wind?
VictorM's advice:
I can't answer for why others suggest "playing hard to get," but when I do it, it has nothing at all to do with the girl taking the initiative being inappropriate or socially unacceptable. I suggest playing hard simply because it's more effective with guys since guys like challenges and a sense of conquest. By stretching their pursuit of you out, it gives guys more time to learn more about you. And this is important for this reason: guys generally get attracted to girls for their physical attributes. If a guy has satisfied his curiosity about you before he establishes some kind of roots, it's very easy to be turned-off by the smallest of defects. But once deeper roots are established, you stand a better chance of success.
If you phone this guy, text, and are on his face daily, there's a better chance you will lose him than if you wait and let him chase you. But... if you don't agree, by all means invite him out. There's nothing inappropriate about it.
By Les, 25, from NY:
Victor, I have a follow up question to your response to Marie K a couple of days ago. You said that sometimes guys like it when girls throw caution to the wind and might make him more interested later on.
I met this guy about a month and a half ago, and I really like spending time with him. However, I'm the type of person who likes to contact someone every day by phone calls, text message, go out and do stuff on a regular basis every couple of days, use terms of endearment, etc. I think he likes me too. At least he's said that he likes spending time with me, enjoys my company, finds me attractive, although he has never said "i like you". Also, he doesnt seem like he's the kind of guy who's into all of the things I've described above.
I just kind of want to go forward with it and maybe take the lead for a bit until he gets the hint. But on the other hand, I've always been taught that it's inappropriate for me, as the girl, to be suggesting dates and initiating conversations this early on, when we're still "casual dating", I'm suppose to play hard to get, you know? But I don't want to lose this guy and not get what I want over social mores, so what do you think I should do? Play the girl or throw caution to wind?
VictorM's advice:
I can't answer for why others suggest "playing hard to get," but when I do it, it has nothing at all to do with the girl taking the initiative being inappropriate or socially unacceptable. I suggest playing hard simply because it's more effective with guys since guys like challenges and a sense of conquest. By stretching their pursuit of you out, it gives guys more time to learn more about you. And this is important for this reason: guys generally get attracted to girls for their physical attributes. If a guy has satisfied his curiosity about you before he establishes some kind of roots, it's very easy to be turned-off by the smallest of defects. But once deeper roots are established, you stand a better chance of success.
If you phone this guy, text, and are on his face daily, there's a better chance you will lose him than if you wait and let him chase you. But... if you don't agree, by all means invite him out. There's nothing inappropriate about it.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
He hasn't asked me out yet
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Dijah, 16, from hawthorne:
This guy likes me and he knows I like him but he hasn't asked me out yet we started texting at the end of the school year and we been texting every since I want to know if I should ask him out or just stop texting him and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
Nah, don't ask him out. He's doing the typical guy thing of getting to know you better before making a move. Just sit back and be patient.
By Dijah, 16, from hawthorne:
This guy likes me and he knows I like him but he hasn't asked me out yet we started texting at the end of the school year and we been texting every since I want to know if I should ask him out or just stop texting him and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
Nah, don't ask him out. He's doing the typical guy thing of getting to know you better before making a move. Just sit back and be patient.
He is taking strides backwards
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Lara, 24, from Texas:
I have been in a relationship barely under one year. (I have had a four year relationship prior to this and feel like we are right on track for the most part) I truly adore him and love him immensely. We met and things just flew by. We moved in together after six months and talked of marriage for the entire time. I was open about not being ready. I have a wonderful relationship with his family and especially with my own. I come from a long line of zero divorce in my family so I am not quick to jump the gun. I believe when I make that commitment I will then be ready to bare the peaks and valleys that come with it. He is a very pampered 26 year-old and has began to realize things about life that I had years ago. Such as: the world is confusing, a lot of time nothing makes sense, having faith in the things that are in your control and out of your control is the best way to live, you can't blame everyone else for your shortcomings, etc. etc. I am grateful we didn't jump into marriage. However, he is taking strides backwards now and part of me believes that is why I am holding on tighter than ever. He's not ready for marriage and neither am I, but it was easier to feel this way when he didn't feel this way too. He is having insecurities about being able to provide for a family, which in my mind is way down the line. Are all of these feelings code for 'I never want to be married' - I have always believed that guys are pretty surface level and that perhaps slowing things down and breathing as a happy, young couple is what is best. Is there any advice for two people who are still in school, making lives for themselves, learning about life all while living together other than 'patience is a virtue?' Is the reflection of my doubt from him causing my insecurity? Is it my ego that is really having the issues? I should close this with, he wants us to stay as is and enjoy each other, and be carefree. I had been trying to get him to admit he was not ready for marriage either and it was really hard on him when he let this out and admitted how confused he was about the world (but apparently not about his feelings for me).
VictorM's advice:
Him worrying about providing for a family is not code for not wanting to get married. I think it's exactly the opposite of it. If there is one thing that most responsible man worry the most about starting a family is exactly that question. It's actually a good sign that he worries. Let him do it; it's a sign of him maturing and thinking of issues further down the road. It's a guy thing. Let him own that responsibility -- it makes him feel more like a man to do so. And that's a good thing.
Stop pushing him hard to admit anything. Feelings and thoughts should be discussed as a natural course of open communications. If you push for a specific outcome, you may get it just because he gets tired of talking about it and admitting what you want to hear gets you off his back. It really is not a good approach. Sometimes guys need more time to reach a certain conclusion because we don't do the level of self-analysis that women do, but given extra time, guys can reach an honest assessment on their own.
Other than that, everything about your submission sounds like you're in good shape. Just enjoy him and the relationship.
By Lara, 24, from Texas:
I have been in a relationship barely under one year. (I have had a four year relationship prior to this and feel like we are right on track for the most part) I truly adore him and love him immensely. We met and things just flew by. We moved in together after six months and talked of marriage for the entire time. I was open about not being ready. I have a wonderful relationship with his family and especially with my own. I come from a long line of zero divorce in my family so I am not quick to jump the gun. I believe when I make that commitment I will then be ready to bare the peaks and valleys that come with it. He is a very pampered 26 year-old and has began to realize things about life that I had years ago. Such as: the world is confusing, a lot of time nothing makes sense, having faith in the things that are in your control and out of your control is the best way to live, you can't blame everyone else for your shortcomings, etc. etc. I am grateful we didn't jump into marriage. However, he is taking strides backwards now and part of me believes that is why I am holding on tighter than ever. He's not ready for marriage and neither am I, but it was easier to feel this way when he didn't feel this way too. He is having insecurities about being able to provide for a family, which in my mind is way down the line. Are all of these feelings code for 'I never want to be married' - I have always believed that guys are pretty surface level and that perhaps slowing things down and breathing as a happy, young couple is what is best. Is there any advice for two people who are still in school, making lives for themselves, learning about life all while living together other than 'patience is a virtue?' Is the reflection of my doubt from him causing my insecurity? Is it my ego that is really having the issues? I should close this with, he wants us to stay as is and enjoy each other, and be carefree. I had been trying to get him to admit he was not ready for marriage either and it was really hard on him when he let this out and admitted how confused he was about the world (but apparently not about his feelings for me).
VictorM's advice:
Him worrying about providing for a family is not code for not wanting to get married. I think it's exactly the opposite of it. If there is one thing that most responsible man worry the most about starting a family is exactly that question. It's actually a good sign that he worries. Let him do it; it's a sign of him maturing and thinking of issues further down the road. It's a guy thing. Let him own that responsibility -- it makes him feel more like a man to do so. And that's a good thing.
Stop pushing him hard to admit anything. Feelings and thoughts should be discussed as a natural course of open communications. If you push for a specific outcome, you may get it just because he gets tired of talking about it and admitting what you want to hear gets you off his back. It really is not a good approach. Sometimes guys need more time to reach a certain conclusion because we don't do the level of self-analysis that women do, but given extra time, guys can reach an honest assessment on their own.
Other than that, everything about your submission sounds like you're in good shape. Just enjoy him and the relationship.
I burned my corneas
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Alayna, 21, from Newcastle:
Met a guy at a club on Sat, hit off really well but then my 2 friends were so pissed drunk and sick, I had to get them home. We said bye but didn't exchange numbers, I fancy him a lot so I burned my corneas finding him on facebook to contact him. I've found him but now I don't know what to say. I think he is pretty shy himself. I'd like to know him better but how?
VictorM's advice:
If he was as impressed with you as you are with him, he could care less what you say. So say anything, something as simple as "Hi, This is Alayna. We met at [name of place] last Saturday. I had a really nice time. Are you planning to go back there anytime soon?"
This invites him to say when he'll be there and you two can meet again.
By Alayna, 21, from Newcastle:
Met a guy at a club on Sat, hit off really well but then my 2 friends were so pissed drunk and sick, I had to get them home. We said bye but didn't exchange numbers, I fancy him a lot so I burned my corneas finding him on facebook to contact him. I've found him but now I don't know what to say. I think he is pretty shy himself. I'd like to know him better but how?
VictorM's advice:
If he was as impressed with you as you are with him, he could care less what you say. So say anything, something as simple as "Hi, This is Alayna. We met at [name of place] last Saturday. I had a really nice time. Are you planning to go back there anytime soon?"
This invites him to say when he'll be there and you two can meet again.
He's not just your average bear
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By cosmo, 48, from minnesota:
hello! I find your answers interesting and have a question for you. I find myself in a situation where I really care for a man (51 lives two hours away and has a 13 yr old daughter who stays with him some weekends.) He has decided he doesn't want to be with me again and again but he always comes back and wants to be with me...it has been a miserable back and forth. When we are together it is great...I mean great. And..he is the kind of guy I've looked for all my life...not just your average bear...has a Master's degree like me, etc... He has been through two divorces with each marriage lasting over ten years.
The strange thing has been that we would spend a weekend together and have a great time and there would obviously be a lot of energy between us and nothing negative and lots of laughter and enjoyment and good conversation...but then two days later after he returns home I get a fearful email that basically says ..."this is not going to work, sorry,....".. he disappears for a while, will not talk about it and then reappears a few weeks later and begins writing again short emails and wanting to just be friends.
The guy is a very sensitive somewhat shy man. At first I was really hurt. Then I tried not to take it personal and just realized he is afraid. I like him a lot so I would stay friends and write him on email. I had strong feelings for him and so I also was under the illusion he might come back...and he did over and over and over....but the same kind of email or conversation would always follow after a great weekend together and he would not talk it out.
My girlfriends say he was using me and lying..probably had a gal up North and probably just breaks up after the weekend so he's free up there to date others. He's on that match.com thing and we can see that he stays on it. He claims that it is just a "bad habit" and he doesn't really date any of them but writes some of them.
He's a counselor with a Master's and he is in a recovery program and should know better than to disrespect a woman and play around....and I want to believe he is an honest man... but perhaps I'm being Polyanna. Is this a common pattern that I've been lucky enough not to encounter in the good men I've been with in the past?? or does this guy just sound scared to death to you like he does me. and has a serious problem with the real deal...wants to find a woman he can stay more distant from. I see right through him and i think it scares the hell out of him.
Currently he's on the off and I have told him a few months ago that the back and forth was killin me. I challenged his behaviors and said I think he is a wonderful man and I love being with him but that he seems to be afraid of a real relationship and not want to get off of match and be focused on one woman....and that I had to focus elsewhere but would stay his friend. We've written since then and not seen each other. interestingly, while i've been able to make the shift to seeing him as a friend even though there are still feelings there....he can't seem to do it and it seems like now we are going to stop writing, etc.
any insights would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Fear is not the issue; the real issue is one that you're blindly avoiding: he's not into you as a relationship kinda woman. Sure, he enjoys your company, you're fun, he likes being with you from time to time, but you don't set his loins of fire. It's just that simple.
He may very well be telling the truth about not dating women from match.com, but he continues to look because whatever he's seeking, he didn't find in you.
Staying friends with someone you have feelings but those feelings are not reciprocated is a mistake. If and when he finds the woman he's looking for, you'll feel nothing but pain and disappointment. Meanwhile... he may be back again, but he won't stay.
And your friends are wrong about him using you. He's been clear with you about what he wants. You see him over and over of your own free will. In fact, one may argue that you're the one using him, hoping that allowing him back into your life will make him stay. At least when he spends time with you, he has no ulterior motive; you do.
By cosmo, 48, from minnesota:
hello! I find your answers interesting and have a question for you. I find myself in a situation where I really care for a man (51 lives two hours away and has a 13 yr old daughter who stays with him some weekends.) He has decided he doesn't want to be with me again and again but he always comes back and wants to be with me...it has been a miserable back and forth. When we are together it is great...I mean great. And..he is the kind of guy I've looked for all my life...not just your average bear...has a Master's degree like me, etc... He has been through two divorces with each marriage lasting over ten years.
The strange thing has been that we would spend a weekend together and have a great time and there would obviously be a lot of energy between us and nothing negative and lots of laughter and enjoyment and good conversation...but then two days later after he returns home I get a fearful email that basically says ..."this is not going to work, sorry,....".. he disappears for a while, will not talk about it and then reappears a few weeks later and begins writing again short emails and wanting to just be friends.
The guy is a very sensitive somewhat shy man. At first I was really hurt. Then I tried not to take it personal and just realized he is afraid. I like him a lot so I would stay friends and write him on email. I had strong feelings for him and so I also was under the illusion he might come back...and he did over and over and over....but the same kind of email or conversation would always follow after a great weekend together and he would not talk it out.
My girlfriends say he was using me and lying..probably had a gal up North and probably just breaks up after the weekend so he's free up there to date others. He's on that match.com thing and we can see that he stays on it. He claims that it is just a "bad habit" and he doesn't really date any of them but writes some of them.
He's a counselor with a Master's and he is in a recovery program and should know better than to disrespect a woman and play around....and I want to believe he is an honest man... but perhaps I'm being Polyanna. Is this a common pattern that I've been lucky enough not to encounter in the good men I've been with in the past?? or does this guy just sound scared to death to you like he does me. and has a serious problem with the real deal...wants to find a woman he can stay more distant from. I see right through him and i think it scares the hell out of him.
Currently he's on the off and I have told him a few months ago that the back and forth was killin me. I challenged his behaviors and said I think he is a wonderful man and I love being with him but that he seems to be afraid of a real relationship and not want to get off of match and be focused on one woman....and that I had to focus elsewhere but would stay his friend. We've written since then and not seen each other. interestingly, while i've been able to make the shift to seeing him as a friend even though there are still feelings there....he can't seem to do it and it seems like now we are going to stop writing, etc.
any insights would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Fear is not the issue; the real issue is one that you're blindly avoiding: he's not into you as a relationship kinda woman. Sure, he enjoys your company, you're fun, he likes being with you from time to time, but you don't set his loins of fire. It's just that simple.
He may very well be telling the truth about not dating women from match.com, but he continues to look because whatever he's seeking, he didn't find in you.
Staying friends with someone you have feelings but those feelings are not reciprocated is a mistake. If and when he finds the woman he's looking for, you'll feel nothing but pain and disappointment. Meanwhile... he may be back again, but he won't stay.
And your friends are wrong about him using you. He's been clear with you about what he wants. You see him over and over of your own free will. In fact, one may argue that you're the one using him, hoping that allowing him back into your life will make him stay. At least when he spends time with you, he has no ulterior motive; you do.
Press breasts
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By tina pandey, 18, from india:
Why do boys want to press our breast?
VictorM's advice:
Mainly, because we're not supposed to. If society had made elbows a forbidden area, we'd want to touch your elbows.
But let's face it, boobies are fun to touch.
By tina pandey, 18, from india:
Why do boys want to press our breast?
VictorM's advice:
Mainly, because we're not supposed to. If society had made elbows a forbidden area, we'd want to touch your elbows.
But let's face it, boobies are fun to touch.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Do you love me?
Submitted on Monday, July 14, 2008
By nic, 25, from newy, australia:
I broke up with my boyfriend not long ago. We live together but I think it was too much too fast for both of us. Now we get along so much better but i don't think he wants to be in relationship with me because like he said he wants time for himself which is cool cause i know that he went from one woman to another and then me but what confuses me is that he is the one who keeps calling me and messaging me and being super nice?? my personal problem with him was that he would put everything else in front of me except me and it made me insecure in our relationship as well as him constantly being in contact with other women (as he would have said i'm just jealous and insecure and that they are his friends...but all of them??? most of them are his work friends which is cool but do they really have to call him to talk about their day or life can't they talk about that at work?) I felt like, and still do, that everything is on his terms. he does what he wants and he wouldn't even tell me that he loves me unless he felt so ( cause as a woman you do ask silly questions as "do you love me?" and when i did that he would just get annoyed...) We never did anything together unless he wanted to..which would be never.
So the point of this question is should i just move on? or will he change? or is he just playing me cause he is so insecure and scared to let go?
VictorM's advice:
You asked that dreaded question? That is annoying! What's a guy supposed to say?
Yeah, you should move on. He's not coming back. He is the way he is with you for one of two likely reasons: Either it's because he knows you like him so it strokes his ego every time he talks to you, or it's because he can't go cold turkey from you, so he's keeping some contact. Sorta like someone who quits smoking by cutting down on the number of smokes instead of all at once. If this is the case, his contact with you will continue to decrease.
By nic, 25, from newy, australia:
I broke up with my boyfriend not long ago. We live together but I think it was too much too fast for both of us. Now we get along so much better but i don't think he wants to be in relationship with me because like he said he wants time for himself which is cool cause i know that he went from one woman to another and then me but what confuses me is that he is the one who keeps calling me and messaging me and being super nice?? my personal problem with him was that he would put everything else in front of me except me and it made me insecure in our relationship as well as him constantly being in contact with other women (as he would have said i'm just jealous and insecure and that they are his friends...but all of them??? most of them are his work friends which is cool but do they really have to call him to talk about their day or life can't they talk about that at work?) I felt like, and still do, that everything is on his terms. he does what he wants and he wouldn't even tell me that he loves me unless he felt so ( cause as a woman you do ask silly questions as "do you love me?" and when i did that he would just get annoyed...) We never did anything together unless he wanted to..which would be never.
So the point of this question is should i just move on? or will he change? or is he just playing me cause he is so insecure and scared to let go?
VictorM's advice:
You asked that dreaded question? That is annoying! What's a guy supposed to say?
Yeah, you should move on. He's not coming back. He is the way he is with you for one of two likely reasons: Either it's because he knows you like him so it strokes his ego every time he talks to you, or it's because he can't go cold turkey from you, so he's keeping some contact. Sorta like someone who quits smoking by cutting down on the number of smokes instead of all at once. If this is the case, his contact with you will continue to decrease.
He asked me to slap him in the face
Submitted on Monday, July 14, 2008
By nikki, 29, from uk:
Hi, my best male friend who is gay (I'm straight female) has been going out with his boyfriend for a year. Alot of our friends don't like this boyfriend . Though he's pushed alot of my friend's friends away, he only seems to like me. I do find him attractive but I know he's gay and my friend's boyfriend so obviously nothing is to happen.
I was confused as last night, we all came back from going out, drunk. I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and my friend's boyfriend came in and kept going on about how I'm his best friend and he wanted me to know how much I mean to him (he does this often when drunk or high). I felt a bit uncomfortable as he held my hands because it was so over the top. The next thing I knew, he asked me to slap him in the face. I said 'what?'. He pointed to his face, waiting for me to do it. So I did, fairly lightly. He then asked me to do it harder, which I did and he gasped, eyes shut. What does it mean?
Should have mentioned too:
My friend was taking me to view a flat whereby the live in landlord was a property developer. I thought, 'oo, might be a looker!'. My friend's boyfriend (we'll call him 'John') joked that I'd have this old bloke perving over me. When I told him, well actually he's 30, he half laughed 'ohhhhhh, really! I want to come along!'. I said 'no' as it would be too much if all three of us went. He proceeded to lie on the couch and sulk. I was shocked at why he was being weird so I said 'come if you want'. He replied 'no, too late'. Why was he getting so irate? My friend just said he felt left out not being invited but is there more to it? Another gay friend of a friend told me that he is bisexual, but no-one else has ever said this and if he was, why pretend that he’s totally gay then?!
VictorM's advice:
Your friend's boyfriend behaves just like a... woman! That's all. :-p
(OK, princess... pound me to a pulp).
By nikki, 29, from uk:
Hi, my best male friend who is gay (I'm straight female) has been going out with his boyfriend for a year. Alot of our friends don't like this boyfriend . Though he's pushed alot of my friend's friends away, he only seems to like me. I do find him attractive but I know he's gay and my friend's boyfriend so obviously nothing is to happen.
I was confused as last night, we all came back from going out, drunk. I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and my friend's boyfriend came in and kept going on about how I'm his best friend and he wanted me to know how much I mean to him (he does this often when drunk or high). I felt a bit uncomfortable as he held my hands because it was so over the top. The next thing I knew, he asked me to slap him in the face. I said 'what?'. He pointed to his face, waiting for me to do it. So I did, fairly lightly. He then asked me to do it harder, which I did and he gasped, eyes shut. What does it mean?
Should have mentioned too:
My friend was taking me to view a flat whereby the live in landlord was a property developer. I thought, 'oo, might be a looker!'. My friend's boyfriend (we'll call him 'John') joked that I'd have this old bloke perving over me. When I told him, well actually he's 30, he half laughed 'ohhhhhh, really! I want to come along!'. I said 'no' as it would be too much if all three of us went. He proceeded to lie on the couch and sulk. I was shocked at why he was being weird so I said 'come if you want'. He replied 'no, too late'. Why was he getting so irate? My friend just said he felt left out not being invited but is there more to it? Another gay friend of a friend told me that he is bisexual, but no-one else has ever said this and if he was, why pretend that he’s totally gay then?!
VictorM's advice:
Your friend's boyfriend behaves just like a... woman! That's all. :-p
(OK, princess... pound me to a pulp).
Should I expect any communication?
Submitted on Monday, July 14, 2008
By Jessica, 22, from Cincinnati:
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me a little bit out of nowhere when i was on vacation. He just brought all of this stuff up and then acted like a defensive distant jerk who wanted nothing to do with me. In the entire relationship he has always been an amazing guy and very into the relationship. The last few weeks he was acting a little more off, and he said he was going through some stuff personally b/c he was soo incredibly stressed out. It has been a month since the break up...and a week since we have communicated. He didn't really give much of a reason for the break up except that he was feeling a lose of connection b/c of our busy lives. His fraternity brothers have been giving him a lot of crap about not being single too. I think there might be another girl that he is into as well. He is only 20 and I am his first serious relationship. Also his summer is spent working for like sixty hours a week..but with this girl. Should I expect any communication/or for him to eventually want to work on the relationship once the summer is over?
VictorM's advice:
Nope. The fat lady has sung on this one. He's done the hardest part -- breaking-up with you -- and now he's ready to move on to new adventures in life.
Even if he wanted to, he probably can't even explain what happened. He just drifted away and there need not be any particular reason.
You seem to be a girl of extremes... he's an amazing guy and he's a jerk. Chances are that neither are true. He's just a regular guy going through the difficult world of dating and dealing with it the best way he knows how, which in most cases is not very well. We have no schools to teaches how to handle these changes in feelings and how to express them. He's doing the best he can -- he's moving on. And so should you.
By Jessica, 22, from Cincinnati:
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me a little bit out of nowhere when i was on vacation. He just brought all of this stuff up and then acted like a defensive distant jerk who wanted nothing to do with me. In the entire relationship he has always been an amazing guy and very into the relationship. The last few weeks he was acting a little more off, and he said he was going through some stuff personally b/c he was soo incredibly stressed out. It has been a month since the break up...and a week since we have communicated. He didn't really give much of a reason for the break up except that he was feeling a lose of connection b/c of our busy lives. His fraternity brothers have been giving him a lot of crap about not being single too. I think there might be another girl that he is into as well. He is only 20 and I am his first serious relationship. Also his summer is spent working for like sixty hours a week..but with this girl. Should I expect any communication/or for him to eventually want to work on the relationship once the summer is over?
VictorM's advice:
Nope. The fat lady has sung on this one. He's done the hardest part -- breaking-up with you -- and now he's ready to move on to new adventures in life.
Even if he wanted to, he probably can't even explain what happened. He just drifted away and there need not be any particular reason.
You seem to be a girl of extremes... he's an amazing guy and he's a jerk. Chances are that neither are true. He's just a regular guy going through the difficult world of dating and dealing with it the best way he knows how, which in most cases is not very well. We have no schools to teaches how to handle these changes in feelings and how to express them. He's doing the best he can -- he's moving on. And so should you.
He has been waiting for that special someone to complete him
Submitted on Sunday, July 13, 2008
By Vicky, 27, from USA:
By Vicky, 27, from USA:
I went out with a friend of my sister's who I've liked for a few years. While I was visiting my sister I gathered the courage to write to him and tell him I was interested in him. His response was positive. He said he has been waiting for that special someone to complete him and that he wanted to see if I'm the one. After that we had a great lunch date where we shared a lot about ourselves. Then after he got back from a bussiness trip I picked him up from the airport and we had another lunch date. A few days after we had another date, we went to the movies, dinnner, ice cream and then to his house to watch videos. Neither of us have ever had a serious relationship and we're both very shy. We only held hands a few times during the night but I REALLY like him and can't stop thinking about him. I'm back home and far away from him but we've kept in contact over the phone. I text him a lot but he doesn't reply :( Hew has replied a few times and even wrote once: "I'm glad you're fine. I passed the board exam. If you were here everything would be perfect" I love talking to him but he has a terrible 12-hour work day. I understand that it's hard for him to talk but I would like to talk to him all time, I haven't told him this because I don't want him to think I'm nagging. I did call him today, it was time for him to get ready for work and he said he would call back after he finished but didn't. I really hope he was just rushing out because I waited by the phone for 30 minutes until I knew it was too late for him to call.
The day I picked him up from the airport he asked me what I was doing the last 2 weeks of August, when I answered him he mentioned he was planning a trip with his family for his birthday. Because I'm completely cluless and not used to being attractive to men I continued the conversation telling him it was great that he was making this trip and that I knew he was going to have a lot of fun because I've been there before. I blew it I know.
Today my sister told me there's this friend that was supposed to go with him to the trip but he can't find him. I don't know if he's no longer going with his family but I'm wondering if he'll want me to go with him. Should I ask him straight out or should I wait for an invitation if any? I really don't want to pass up the opportunity to have a relationship with him as (i know this sounds corny) I think we're perfect for each other.
Thank you for your advise!!
VictorM's advice:
Did he actually use the expression "waiting for someone special to complete him"? *grabs for the puke bucket!* My... that movie should be erased from everyone's memory.
Anyway... no, do not ask him! If he wants to take you, he'll ask you.
And don't expect a busy man to play the phone and text message game. Most guys aren't very good at multitasking and are very single focused. If he's busy, his mind his on work 100% of the time. If you don't like this, date another woman or you're just going to be very disappointed.
"perfect for each other"... oh god! :-p
The day I picked him up from the airport he asked me what I was doing the last 2 weeks of August, when I answered him he mentioned he was planning a trip with his family for his birthday. Because I'm completely cluless and not used to being attractive to men I continued the conversation telling him it was great that he was making this trip and that I knew he was going to have a lot of fun because I've been there before. I blew it I know.
Today my sister told me there's this friend that was supposed to go with him to the trip but he can't find him. I don't know if he's no longer going with his family but I'm wondering if he'll want me to go with him. Should I ask him straight out or should I wait for an invitation if any? I really don't want to pass up the opportunity to have a relationship with him as (i know this sounds corny) I think we're perfect for each other.
Thank you for your advise!!
VictorM's advice:
Did he actually use the expression "waiting for someone special to complete him"? *grabs for the puke bucket!* My... that movie should be erased from everyone's memory.
Anyway... no, do not ask him! If he wants to take you, he'll ask you.
And don't expect a busy man to play the phone and text message game. Most guys aren't very good at multitasking and are very single focused. If he's busy, his mind his on work 100% of the time. If you don't like this, date another woman or you're just going to be very disappointed.
"perfect for each other"... oh god! :-p
sara sausage
sara,
This really isn't confidential, it's just that you like to type and while I enjoy your many lengthy submissions, I decided to be good to my visitors and spared them the agony I must endure reading about your life (just kidding). For everyone else's benefit, I'll just summarize the situation.
sara had a fuck buddy and she wanted to stop it. She didn't want a full blown relationship with him, but she wanted more than just being fuck buddies. According to her, he's not interested in a serious relationship with her, something she claims she doesn't want either. Anyway, the guy keeps messaging her and sharing graphic details of his encounters with other girls. sara wants to know if he's doing this as some sort of ego boosting trip.
First, I must say he's right about the relationship. sara, you're either in a relationship or you're just fuck buddies. You're trying to invent something in between, but he's not buying it. And I can't say that I blame him.
You are right about his reasons for keeping contact. He thinks you want him more than he wants you and that's very good for his ego. Telling you about the other girls and getting a reaction from you -- any reaction at all -- is fun for him and makes him feel all powerful. So that will continue as long as you give him the opportunities
You want to remain friends with him if a relationship-light kinda thing won't happen, but that's simply not going to work out. He'll continue to do what he's doing because you feed his ego. And the reason he gets pissy if other guys show interest in you is because he wants your attention all to himself. Notice I said he wants your attention, I didn't say he wants you.
This really isn't confidential, it's just that you like to type and while I enjoy your many lengthy submissions, I decided to be good to my visitors and spared them the agony I must endure reading about your life (just kidding). For everyone else's benefit, I'll just summarize the situation.
sara had a fuck buddy and she wanted to stop it. She didn't want a full blown relationship with him, but she wanted more than just being fuck buddies. According to her, he's not interested in a serious relationship with her, something she claims she doesn't want either. Anyway, the guy keeps messaging her and sharing graphic details of his encounters with other girls. sara wants to know if he's doing this as some sort of ego boosting trip.
First, I must say he's right about the relationship. sara, you're either in a relationship or you're just fuck buddies. You're trying to invent something in between, but he's not buying it. And I can't say that I blame him.
You are right about his reasons for keeping contact. He thinks you want him more than he wants you and that's very good for his ego. Telling you about the other girls and getting a reaction from you -- any reaction at all -- is fun for him and makes him feel all powerful. So that will continue as long as you give him the opportunities
You want to remain friends with him if a relationship-light kinda thing won't happen, but that's simply not going to work out. He'll continue to do what he's doing because you feed his ego. And the reason he gets pissy if other guys show interest in you is because he wants your attention all to himself. Notice I said he wants your attention, I didn't say he wants you.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Message to sara from uk
Sara,
I'll get to your submissions next but I'm running out of time today. Meanwhile, send me the email address you were trying to use in the forum and I'll fix the problem preventing you from registering.
I'll get to your submissions next but I'm running out of time today. Meanwhile, send me the email address you were trying to use in the forum and I'll fix the problem preventing you from registering.
I haven't been spending much time with my boyfriend
Submitted on Sunday, July 13, 2008
By meshae, 16, from guam:
hello(:
By meshae, 16, from guam:
hello(:
lately I haven't been spending much time with my boyfriend. i think he's losing interest in me. i
mean he still calls me but our talks last 2 mins, sometimes even less. anyway, at times i just wish he would do something so bad like cheat on me, just to give me a reason to break up with him. why am i feeling this way? please help!
VictorM's advice:
You're feeling this way because you're a normal girl. What's the point of having a boyfriend who won't swim the widest ocean and climb the highest mountain, and heck, even listen to painful Mariah Carey if that's who you like, just to be with you?
You already have a good reason to breakup with him: you're not happy. That's the only reason you need.
mean he still calls me but our talks last 2 mins, sometimes even less. anyway, at times i just wish he would do something so bad like cheat on me, just to give me a reason to break up with him. why am i feeling this way? please help!
VictorM's advice:
You're feeling this way because you're a normal girl. What's the point of having a boyfriend who won't swim the widest ocean and climb the highest mountain, and heck, even listen to painful Mariah Carey if that's who you like, just to be with you?
You already have a good reason to breakup with him: you're not happy. That's the only reason you need.
A girl chasing a guy
Submitted on Saturday, July 12, 2008
By hilda, 29, from Thailand:
In this day and age, what do you think about a girl chasing a guy? Do you think guys would just freak out and run away?I seem to have this problem of liking guys who do not like me romantically and not liking guys who like me.
VictorM's advice:
Hilda, you don't have a problem. What you have is a very good selective system being active and smart and not settling for any guy. You're lucky.
Whether you chase a guy or he chases you, when the guy you meet is right for you and you're right for him, it won't matter much who chased whom. But if you chase a guy and he freaks out and runs away, at least you know he's the wrong guy for you.
By hilda, 29, from Thailand:
In this day and age, what do you think about a girl chasing a guy? Do you think guys would just freak out and run away?I seem to have this problem of liking guys who do not like me romantically and not liking guys who like me.
VictorM's advice:
Hilda, you don't have a problem. What you have is a very good selective system being active and smart and not settling for any guy. You're lucky.
Whether you chase a guy or he chases you, when the guy you meet is right for you and you're right for him, it won't matter much who chased whom. But if you chase a guy and he freaks out and runs away, at least you know he's the wrong guy for you.
No bad blood
Submitted on Saturday, July 12, 2008
By jenna, 29, from California:
Last year I met someone and we casually dated for about a month. For whatever reason, we stopped. Nothing really happened (no bad blood), I guess we both just lost interest in each other because he stopped calling me and I stopped caring. I have no idea why we didn't remain friends since we loved hanging out together, probably because he felt guilty. While I no longer had his phone number, I still have his e-mail address in my address book online and decided a while ago to e-mail him and just say hi and see how he was doing. I didn't really think it was a big deal. I got a short but friendly reply back. The problem is, since we have seen last each other I have avoided a bar I know he usually goes to. In the begining I did it on purpose, after that it just never came up to go there. Now I have a friend that wants to go there and I am afraid that if he is there he will think that I went there just to see him, especially since I recently e-mailed him. Any ideas?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much he'll relate you frequenting the bar with your email. And so what if he does? I fail to see what the problem would be. Go with your friend and have a good time. And if the guy is there, say hello.
By jenna, 29, from California:
Last year I met someone and we casually dated for about a month. For whatever reason, we stopped. Nothing really happened (no bad blood), I guess we both just lost interest in each other because he stopped calling me and I stopped caring. I have no idea why we didn't remain friends since we loved hanging out together, probably because he felt guilty. While I no longer had his phone number, I still have his e-mail address in my address book online and decided a while ago to e-mail him and just say hi and see how he was doing. I didn't really think it was a big deal. I got a short but friendly reply back. The problem is, since we have seen last each other I have avoided a bar I know he usually goes to. In the begining I did it on purpose, after that it just never came up to go there. Now I have a friend that wants to go there and I am afraid that if he is there he will think that I went there just to see him, especially since I recently e-mailed him. Any ideas?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much he'll relate you frequenting the bar with your email. And so what if he does? I fail to see what the problem would be. Go with your friend and have a good time. And if the guy is there, say hello.
I have no idea how to react towards him
Submitted on Friday, July 11, 2008
By Cynthia, 16, from Pennsylvania:
I had a summer fling with this amazing guy from last summer. He was my first kiss, first make out, and first love. We just started talking again and hes going to be up again sametime as last year. I have a week to get myself straightened up, i still love him i have been hung up on him ever since he left. I have no idea how to react towards him, how to dress, and how to generally go about this. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you know what to do -- you did last year and you'll do it again this year. You're just feeling too anxious about the initial meeting, but after 5 minutes you'll be smooth like butter. And that anxiety that you feel is the wonderful feeling normally referred to as "butterflies in your stomach." That's half the fun of being in love. You'll be fine! :)
By Cynthia, 16, from Pennsylvania:
I had a summer fling with this amazing guy from last summer. He was my first kiss, first make out, and first love. We just started talking again and hes going to be up again sametime as last year. I have a week to get myself straightened up, i still love him i have been hung up on him ever since he left. I have no idea how to react towards him, how to dress, and how to generally go about this. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you know what to do -- you did last year and you'll do it again this year. You're just feeling too anxious about the initial meeting, but after 5 minutes you'll be smooth like butter. And that anxiety that you feel is the wonderful feeling normally referred to as "butterflies in your stomach." That's half the fun of being in love. You'll be fine! :)
I have had a crush on a 25 year old male
Submitted on Friday, July 11, 2008
By Miranda, 36, from Los Angeles:
Hello. I am a 36 year old female and I have had a crush on a 25 year old male for about a year. He is young, but mature and adorable. I am super attracted to him and I can't stop thinking about him. When we first met, he liked me back. I came onto him first, but he seemed happy about it. We had a great first date. We went out 5 times and I did not sleep with him. Although I instigated the relationship he appeared to really like me back. He sent me beautiful and romantic text messages all the time and he even wrote me an incredible poem. After our fifth date, he got sort of moody and semed to back off. From there, our relationship became a mess. I had to see him around all the time and I was bitter and angry and He totally lost interest. From time to time over the past year, he send me texts saying hello, but never follows through. Only a couple weeks ago, we got back in touch. We talked on the phone and I am playing things much more aloof. He seems to really respond to me if I seem like I don't care. We ended up going out last week and we finally slept together. I thought it was incredible and I felt really happy. He waited 3 days to make contact after we had sex. Its been a week and he hasn't asked to see me again. i feel terrible! I don't feel like he's treating me right. Did he not enjoy the sex? I have a feeling he is going to wait a while before he makes contact again. How can I get him to show interest in me again? I know he cared at one point last year. How do I know if he cares or he is just using me for sex? What should I do now. How do I play this out. I really like him and I want to make him happy. but i also can't go out with someone who only wants to see me every couple of weeks. i have more respect for myself. Is there a way that I could get his full interest back or am I kidding myself. Is there a magic way that you can get a man to fall in love with you? If, so please give me a tip.
By Miranda, 36, from Los Angeles:
Hello. I am a 36 year old female and I have had a crush on a 25 year old male for about a year. He is young, but mature and adorable. I am super attracted to him and I can't stop thinking about him. When we first met, he liked me back. I came onto him first, but he seemed happy about it. We had a great first date. We went out 5 times and I did not sleep with him. Although I instigated the relationship he appeared to really like me back. He sent me beautiful and romantic text messages all the time and he even wrote me an incredible poem. After our fifth date, he got sort of moody and semed to back off. From there, our relationship became a mess. I had to see him around all the time and I was bitter and angry and He totally lost interest. From time to time over the past year, he send me texts saying hello, but never follows through. Only a couple weeks ago, we got back in touch. We talked on the phone and I am playing things much more aloof. He seems to really respond to me if I seem like I don't care. We ended up going out last week and we finally slept together. I thought it was incredible and I felt really happy. He waited 3 days to make contact after we had sex. Its been a week and he hasn't asked to see me again. i feel terrible! I don't feel like he's treating me right. Did he not enjoy the sex? I have a feeling he is going to wait a while before he makes contact again. How can I get him to show interest in me again? I know he cared at one point last year. How do I know if he cares or he is just using me for sex? What should I do now. How do I play this out. I really like him and I want to make him happy. but i also can't go out with someone who only wants to see me every couple of weeks. i have more respect for myself. Is there a way that I could get his full interest back or am I kidding myself. Is there a magic way that you can get a man to fall in love with you? If, so please give me a tip.
PLEASE HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You're 11 years older than he is -- you have a huge mountain to climb.
Yes, younger guys do find older women attractive, in the same way that older men are attracted to younger women -- they are both fantasies that seldom work in long term relationships.
I have no doubt that you impressed him. I have no doubt he enjoyed the sex (believe me, guys aren't nearly as judgmental about it as females). I have no doubt he likes you. But I also have no doubt that his moodiness and distance is a reflection of him doubting that a relationship with a woman 11 years older is wise.
Frankly, if that's what's on his mind -- and I'd bet anything it is -- I have no idea how you can change it.
VictorM's advice:
You're 11 years older than he is -- you have a huge mountain to climb.
Yes, younger guys do find older women attractive, in the same way that older men are attracted to younger women -- they are both fantasies that seldom work in long term relationships.
I have no doubt that you impressed him. I have no doubt he enjoyed the sex (believe me, guys aren't nearly as judgmental about it as females). I have no doubt he likes you. But I also have no doubt that his moodiness and distance is a reflection of him doubting that a relationship with a woman 11 years older is wise.
Frankly, if that's what's on his mind -- and I'd bet anything it is -- I have no idea how you can change it.
Confidential to Marie K
After reading your entry and your request to omit certain parts, I decided to omit the whole submission. But here are some thoughts about your situation:
Males are generally more physical beings than females. That means, a girl's physical attributes are typically what catches our attention, and if we can't physically be by her, our interest in likely to dwindle. So, right off the bat, since there is distance between you and him, you're behind the eight ball. But to add to this, you were too cool for your own good, as you admit, and you continue to be too aloof (I'm referring to the situation that led you so say "silly me!").
So... we have a series of elements that aren't necessary lighting a fire under his pants to want to reach out to you, no matter what he thought of you when he met you.
Now, the aloofness you have displayed (what might be called "playing hard to get" or "posing a challenge") works when the guy is interested in you, but what if he's not? In guy world, pursuing a girl is not thought of being "seeming desperate or clingy," in fact, it's what guys are taught to do if they really like a girl, yet that's what you think about yourself if you pursue him. I say it's time for you to kick that double standard in the nuts.
Don't assume that he's not calling because he's not interested in you; who knows, maybe he feels he would come across as desperate or clingy (yes, many guys feel that way). Bottom line is: you're stuck on the guy, so go down swinging! If he's coming to your town, be aggressive about wanting to meet him. Take a "I won't take no for an answer" attitude with him. Sure, he may find you obnoxious, but the odds are that his ego will be pleased. And even if he doesn't like you romantically now, who knows, by spending time face-to-face with you that might change.
If you really like this guy -- and after reading your submission I have no doubt you do -- it's time to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Believe it or not, guys do like determined and assertive women, particularly when by being so, the woman is inflating the guy's ego.
One other note: Most online chat systems will show a person online for several minutes (15, 20, even 30, depending on the service) after they leave. So don't assume that all the times you see him online, that he's actually online.
Males are generally more physical beings than females. That means, a girl's physical attributes are typically what catches our attention, and if we can't physically be by her, our interest in likely to dwindle. So, right off the bat, since there is distance between you and him, you're behind the eight ball. But to add to this, you were too cool for your own good, as you admit, and you continue to be too aloof (I'm referring to the situation that led you so say "silly me!").
So... we have a series of elements that aren't necessary lighting a fire under his pants to want to reach out to you, no matter what he thought of you when he met you.
Now, the aloofness you have displayed (what might be called "playing hard to get" or "posing a challenge") works when the guy is interested in you, but what if he's not? In guy world, pursuing a girl is not thought of being "seeming desperate or clingy," in fact, it's what guys are taught to do if they really like a girl, yet that's what you think about yourself if you pursue him. I say it's time for you to kick that double standard in the nuts.
Don't assume that he's not calling because he's not interested in you; who knows, maybe he feels he would come across as desperate or clingy (yes, many guys feel that way). Bottom line is: you're stuck on the guy, so go down swinging! If he's coming to your town, be aggressive about wanting to meet him. Take a "I won't take no for an answer" attitude with him. Sure, he may find you obnoxious, but the odds are that his ego will be pleased. And even if he doesn't like you romantically now, who knows, by spending time face-to-face with you that might change.
If you really like this guy -- and after reading your submission I have no doubt you do -- it's time to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Believe it or not, guys do like determined and assertive women, particularly when by being so, the woman is inflating the guy's ego.
One other note: Most online chat systems will show a person online for several minutes (15, 20, even 30, depending on the service) after they leave. So don't assume that all the times you see him online, that he's actually online.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Good looking guy
Submitted on Thursday, July 10, 2008
By melinda, 21, from ohio:
This maybe a dumb question, but I kinda have bet with friend that thinks my ex is gay. I don't think he is. My ex, who has a girlfriend, saw a picture of me and a hot guy friend on myspace. I never said anything, nor asked, he msged me to say can't add me as friend, which is fine but then said: "good looking guy that's in the pic with you." Why would he say that? I could see maybe if I asked him what he thought. He doesn't know who the guy is. What's your take?
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing at all in that statement that couldn't come from a straight guy. Why would he make the comment? I can think of a few reasons: he was curious about your relationship with him and by making the statement you might tell him without him having to ask you; he may be paying you a compliment on your taste in men; he may be trying to tell you he has no hard feelings for your breakup.
There may be many other reasons, including him being gay, but reaching that conclusion from that statement is a real stretch.
By melinda, 21, from ohio:
This maybe a dumb question, but I kinda have bet with friend that thinks my ex is gay. I don't think he is. My ex, who has a girlfriend, saw a picture of me and a hot guy friend on myspace. I never said anything, nor asked, he msged me to say can't add me as friend, which is fine but then said: "good looking guy that's in the pic with you." Why would he say that? I could see maybe if I asked him what he thought. He doesn't know who the guy is. What's your take?
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing at all in that statement that couldn't come from a straight guy. Why would he make the comment? I can think of a few reasons: he was curious about your relationship with him and by making the statement you might tell him without him having to ask you; he may be paying you a compliment on your taste in men; he may be trying to tell you he has no hard feelings for your breakup.
There may be many other reasons, including him being gay, but reaching that conclusion from that statement is a real stretch.
I am confusing peace with boredom
Submitted on Thursday, July 10, 2008
By Dani, 22, from Guildford:
Hi.
I was really hurt by an ex last year when I found out he cheated on and my pride and confidence was extremely affected as we were about to move in together and there was talk of marriage. After the break up I moved back in with my sick mother and looked after her (she is bipolar). I was in hospital last year for an intentional overdose and have also been diagnosed with depression. When I was in hospital, my ex (then my boyf) broke up with me but I begged him not to as I loved him so much. Our relationship seemed to recover after that. we went on holiday together and everything seemed to get better but I am sure that cheating was a way of getting out of the relationship.
In October last year I went on a date with a guy I had known from work for a while. Our first date lasted 48 hours and we have been together ever since. He is six years older (28) which means he is a lot more mature than my ex (24). Looking after my mum took its toll on me though and to get me away from that situation my boyfriend asked me to move in to his studio flat. we have been together for 9 months now and I have never been happier, Even though we have both been made redundant and we only live in a studio we rarely fight (although we did a lot to begin with as we moved too quickly but living so far apart and me not having any money meant there wasn't much choice). He has been my rock. He knows about my depression and we bonded because we are both on anti-depressants and are able to support each other. We have both grown and developed so much since we met. On paper we looked like we were bound to fail! But He has given up smoking and I don't drink nearly as much as I did and for the first time we are happy and feel we can tackle our individual issues because of each others support. When my father died earlier this year my boyf was so supportive even when I was horrible to him because he understood why I was acting the way I was and was able to put his pride aside for me. I have never been loved like that. It feels amazing.
However living together has meant that our relationship has become quite unexciting. Part of me is relieved that there is no drama all the time (my ex and I fought ALL the time). But part of me misses the butterfly feeling etc. I am so confused because I am happier than ever but I wonder if I am really in love? Or could it just be that when you spend 24 hours a day together that you don't have the opportunity to miss each other so love isn't as obvious.
I am sorry this is so long winded but i want you to know everything so that I can have a real answer. I am also really worried because I always seem to talk about my ex and what he did to me and always check his facebook, but I don't want to be back with him. I almost want bad things to happen to him and I want him to miss me. That sounds really immature and maybe I am in some ways.
My boyfriend and I are now talking of moving into a bigger place but I am scared. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to make such a big commitment if I'm not sure how I feel! He is so sure I am the one but I am not. The age difference is good because I am more mature than boys my age, but i also feel that six years is a big difference when it comes to making commitments like this.
I am so confused. I really do love my boyfriend and I am happy. I just have some concerns and am not sure what to do. Sometimes I think I am in love but maybe because I have never had a peaceful relationship I am confusing peace with boredom, as my life is always so dramatic.
Please please help me. I am so confused and I don't want to hurt anyone but I also want to do what's best for me.
Thank you so much.
Dani
VictorM's advice:
Dani, judging by your submission, you're the sanest person I know. :) Really, everything you describe sounds very normal and natural.
Six years difference is nothing! You shouldn't even think about it. (Odd that I say this when the previous question and answer dealt with 7 years difference but I said it was too much because the guy is younger in that case. But hey, I don't make the "rules").
Wishing for your ex to want you, checking up on him, and wishing certain things upon him are also very natural reactions to have. When we're hurt by someone, the scar can only be healed by dealing with that person. Sure, we can reduce the importance of that scar by meeting someone new, as you have, but the scar remains and you can't help but realize it's there. I see nothing wrong with what you do and think about your ex. Absent working it out with the person who hurt you -- and most often that can't be done -- only time will fade the scar, and you simply need more of it; one year is not enough.
As for confusing peace with boredom, well, some people just have a hard time accepting good times because they're always "waiting for the other shoe to fall", or they feel that good times are "the calm before the storm." As you can see by these popular expressions, you're not the only one that thinks this way. Again, this is something that's going to take more time for you to accept that life can be peaceful and fun. And part of the solution is for you to give up the fear that you're going to hurt anyone; the truth is you have no control over whether you hurt someone or not. Some people are very sensitive and hurt easily, others not so. In any case, it's their temperament that determines what pain they feel, not you.
You can't live in the future. You have to love your boyfriend now. Period. Love him with all your heart and passion. Holding back will only reduce your odds of loving him longer. Could the relationship end? Sure. Your prior one did and you're alive and kicking; you didn't fall apart even if it hurt. Neither will he if things go wrong with you. Neither will you if this relationship ends. Have more faith in both your abilities to withstand pain and survive.
But doubting, worrying about others, wanting to be healed... heck, these are all symptoms of a good, caring, healthy person, which is what I think you are.
By Dani, 22, from Guildford:
Hi.
I was really hurt by an ex last year when I found out he cheated on and my pride and confidence was extremely affected as we were about to move in together and there was talk of marriage. After the break up I moved back in with my sick mother and looked after her (she is bipolar). I was in hospital last year for an intentional overdose and have also been diagnosed with depression. When I was in hospital, my ex (then my boyf) broke up with me but I begged him not to as I loved him so much. Our relationship seemed to recover after that. we went on holiday together and everything seemed to get better but I am sure that cheating was a way of getting out of the relationship.
In October last year I went on a date with a guy I had known from work for a while. Our first date lasted 48 hours and we have been together ever since. He is six years older (28) which means he is a lot more mature than my ex (24). Looking after my mum took its toll on me though and to get me away from that situation my boyfriend asked me to move in to his studio flat. we have been together for 9 months now and I have never been happier, Even though we have both been made redundant and we only live in a studio we rarely fight (although we did a lot to begin with as we moved too quickly but living so far apart and me not having any money meant there wasn't much choice). He has been my rock. He knows about my depression and we bonded because we are both on anti-depressants and are able to support each other. We have both grown and developed so much since we met. On paper we looked like we were bound to fail! But He has given up smoking and I don't drink nearly as much as I did and for the first time we are happy and feel we can tackle our individual issues because of each others support. When my father died earlier this year my boyf was so supportive even when I was horrible to him because he understood why I was acting the way I was and was able to put his pride aside for me. I have never been loved like that. It feels amazing.
However living together has meant that our relationship has become quite unexciting. Part of me is relieved that there is no drama all the time (my ex and I fought ALL the time). But part of me misses the butterfly feeling etc. I am so confused because I am happier than ever but I wonder if I am really in love? Or could it just be that when you spend 24 hours a day together that you don't have the opportunity to miss each other so love isn't as obvious.
I am sorry this is so long winded but i want you to know everything so that I can have a real answer. I am also really worried because I always seem to talk about my ex and what he did to me and always check his facebook, but I don't want to be back with him. I almost want bad things to happen to him and I want him to miss me. That sounds really immature and maybe I am in some ways.
My boyfriend and I are now talking of moving into a bigger place but I am scared. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to make such a big commitment if I'm not sure how I feel! He is so sure I am the one but I am not. The age difference is good because I am more mature than boys my age, but i also feel that six years is a big difference when it comes to making commitments like this.
I am so confused. I really do love my boyfriend and I am happy. I just have some concerns and am not sure what to do. Sometimes I think I am in love but maybe because I have never had a peaceful relationship I am confusing peace with boredom, as my life is always so dramatic.
Please please help me. I am so confused and I don't want to hurt anyone but I also want to do what's best for me.
Thank you so much.
Dani
VictorM's advice:
Dani, judging by your submission, you're the sanest person I know. :) Really, everything you describe sounds very normal and natural.
Six years difference is nothing! You shouldn't even think about it. (Odd that I say this when the previous question and answer dealt with 7 years difference but I said it was too much because the guy is younger in that case. But hey, I don't make the "rules").
Wishing for your ex to want you, checking up on him, and wishing certain things upon him are also very natural reactions to have. When we're hurt by someone, the scar can only be healed by dealing with that person. Sure, we can reduce the importance of that scar by meeting someone new, as you have, but the scar remains and you can't help but realize it's there. I see nothing wrong with what you do and think about your ex. Absent working it out with the person who hurt you -- and most often that can't be done -- only time will fade the scar, and you simply need more of it; one year is not enough.
As for confusing peace with boredom, well, some people just have a hard time accepting good times because they're always "waiting for the other shoe to fall", or they feel that good times are "the calm before the storm." As you can see by these popular expressions, you're not the only one that thinks this way. Again, this is something that's going to take more time for you to accept that life can be peaceful and fun. And part of the solution is for you to give up the fear that you're going to hurt anyone; the truth is you have no control over whether you hurt someone or not. Some people are very sensitive and hurt easily, others not so. In any case, it's their temperament that determines what pain they feel, not you.
You can't live in the future. You have to love your boyfriend now. Period. Love him with all your heart and passion. Holding back will only reduce your odds of loving him longer. Could the relationship end? Sure. Your prior one did and you're alive and kicking; you didn't fall apart even if it hurt. Neither will he if things go wrong with you. Neither will you if this relationship ends. Have more faith in both your abilities to withstand pain and survive.
But doubting, worrying about others, wanting to be healed... heck, these are all symptoms of a good, caring, healthy person, which is what I think you are.
We drank a bit and ended up making out
Submitted on Thursday, July 10, 2008
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
Hi Victor, you've given me some good advice in the past and I appreciate it-thanks!
There is this guy who I've been friends with for about a year. He is 7 years younger than me. He lives several hours away, and travels to my town for work occasionally. We talk on the phone and email occasionally in between visits, and when he is here, we get together for dinner/drinks.
Up until this point we have had an obvious chemistry/connection. We talked very openly about things a few months ago, and decided to just be friends, mostly because he said he is at a phase in his life where he doesn't want a serious relationship, especially one that requires distance. He's admitted he has some commitment issues and doesn't feel ready to settle down.
Well, last night we drank a bit and ended up making out. All clothing remained on, and it was fairly PG. While we were making out, he made the point that although he feels an attraction and a "connection" he still is not interested in a long distance relationship. We both decided it was best to not let things progress last night. (However, I did have to curse the fact that I chose last night to have morals...there was some serious chemistry.)
This morning we agreed that neither of us are going to feel weird about last night, and we will keep in touch as before.
I really appreciate him as a friend, and I don't want this to deteriorate into the situation where I am a "booty call" for him when he is traveling.
Honestly, I would like to salvage any chance that in the future maybe we might be able to date. (Although maybe that is completely unrealistic?) I'd like to think that the fact that our relationship has not been physical up to this point means that he cares for me somewhat. What is the best way for me to deal with this situation?
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
You're welcome and good to have you back.
Sounds to me like you're going about this just right: you're staying in touch, you recognize a certain chemistry, he's been direct about his intentions and you understand them, you're not always perfect, specially with a few drinks, but your morals won out (in the long run you'll be glad they did), and you're both working to stay in touch. Sounds like a good plan to me.
But, I have to say, in your situation (female being older), 7 years difference is quite a bit (I don't mean to say there's anything wrong with it, but guys tend to seek younger, not older, women). When you add the distance, you're really bucking the odds that this relationship can go anywhere. But if you stand a chance, I really believe what you're doing is the way to go. Just watch your drinking. :)
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
Hi Victor, you've given me some good advice in the past and I appreciate it-thanks!
There is this guy who I've been friends with for about a year. He is 7 years younger than me. He lives several hours away, and travels to my town for work occasionally. We talk on the phone and email occasionally in between visits, and when he is here, we get together for dinner/drinks.
Up until this point we have had an obvious chemistry/connection. We talked very openly about things a few months ago, and decided to just be friends, mostly because he said he is at a phase in his life where he doesn't want a serious relationship, especially one that requires distance. He's admitted he has some commitment issues and doesn't feel ready to settle down.
Well, last night we drank a bit and ended up making out. All clothing remained on, and it was fairly PG. While we were making out, he made the point that although he feels an attraction and a "connection" he still is not interested in a long distance relationship. We both decided it was best to not let things progress last night. (However, I did have to curse the fact that I chose last night to have morals...there was some serious chemistry.)
This morning we agreed that neither of us are going to feel weird about last night, and we will keep in touch as before.
I really appreciate him as a friend, and I don't want this to deteriorate into the situation where I am a "booty call" for him when he is traveling.
Honestly, I would like to salvage any chance that in the future maybe we might be able to date. (Although maybe that is completely unrealistic?) I'd like to think that the fact that our relationship has not been physical up to this point means that he cares for me somewhat. What is the best way for me to deal with this situation?
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
You're welcome and good to have you back.
Sounds to me like you're going about this just right: you're staying in touch, you recognize a certain chemistry, he's been direct about his intentions and you understand them, you're not always perfect, specially with a few drinks, but your morals won out (in the long run you'll be glad they did), and you're both working to stay in touch. Sounds like a good plan to me.
But, I have to say, in your situation (female being older), 7 years difference is quite a bit (I don't mean to say there's anything wrong with it, but guys tend to seek younger, not older, women). When you add the distance, you're really bucking the odds that this relationship can go anywhere. But if you stand a chance, I really believe what you're doing is the way to go. Just watch your drinking. :)
He is not straight forward
Submitted on Thursday, July 10, 2008
By meg, 17, from wa:
There is this guy that likes me, he has said it but distantly, and only over chat or last second on the phone (literally). But then he was all weird when we were at a school trip. I knew he was with me but he followed about a block away, and follows me distantly (I am starting to get miffed). He is not straight forward and VERY distant. One day he randomly came over to my mother's house (when I wasn't there), had walked miles, and waited for me (I heard from my younger brother). I don't know how to react, or what to do. Do you have any advice???
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's just a shy guy who can get his nerves up from time to time but mostly when he's not face-to-face with you.
You said you're getting miffed, but I can't tell whether you like him or not. I'm going to assume that you like him. If this is the case, try to encourage him by smiling at him, greeting him, and making a point to get closer to him. He may just be looking for some encouragement from you.
By meg, 17, from wa:
There is this guy that likes me, he has said it but distantly, and only over chat or last second on the phone (literally). But then he was all weird when we were at a school trip. I knew he was with me but he followed about a block away, and follows me distantly (I am starting to get miffed). He is not straight forward and VERY distant. One day he randomly came over to my mother's house (when I wasn't there), had walked miles, and waited for me (I heard from my younger brother). I don't know how to react, or what to do. Do you have any advice???
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's just a shy guy who can get his nerves up from time to time but mostly when he's not face-to-face with you.
You said you're getting miffed, but I can't tell whether you like him or not. I'm going to assume that you like him. If this is the case, try to encourage him by smiling at him, greeting him, and making a point to get closer to him. He may just be looking for some encouragement from you.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Choosing family over boyfriend
Submitted on Wednesday, July 09, 2008
By Karishma, 22, from America:
Hey Victor
I've been dating this guy for a few months now, and really do love and treasure him. Our relationship was a gift from God and absolutely perfect. Around two weeks ago, I got some family visiting me from overseas, and I was obliged to entertain them most of my free time. This cut down on the time I spent with my boyfriend, causing him to start feeling neglected. When he confronted me, I felt upset that he wasn't trying to understand me and lashed out at him..in that fight I told him that if he ever makes me choose between family and him, I'll choose family. This hurt him greatly...he feels that he never implied I choose between them, and he'd never ask me to do so, and the fact that I can think so low of him makes him wonder if this relationship is going to work in the long term. Now he is being all cold and distant towards me..he even hinted that we need to talk and discuss our break up. I accept I was wrong..to both him and myself. I have said sorry a million times, tried to make him realise I love him and I'll never hurt him again, tried making things up to him..but nothing is working. I love him with all my heart and don't want to lose him..what can I do to salvage this relationship..pls help me
VictorM's advice:
Let me see... you're madly in love with a guy who is so clingy he can't share you with visiting family, who is so insecure that a few words in the heat of argument have left him scarred for life, and who loves you so much he's willing to breakup with you over a statement you've indicated so often you regretted. If this guy is a gift from God, then God is a practical joker.
Oh stop being such an apologist with him. You not wanting to lose him and apologizing a million times only makes you weak, vulnerable, and empowers him to psychologically blackmail you. Girls who are so afraid of losing a guy are much more likely to lose him than girls who realize he'd be a jerk to walk away from you over this.
Be done with the apologies. His wounded little boy ego will get over it in time, more quickly if you stop kissing his ass.
By Karishma, 22, from America:
Hey Victor
I've been dating this guy for a few months now, and really do love and treasure him. Our relationship was a gift from God and absolutely perfect. Around two weeks ago, I got some family visiting me from overseas, and I was obliged to entertain them most of my free time. This cut down on the time I spent with my boyfriend, causing him to start feeling neglected. When he confronted me, I felt upset that he wasn't trying to understand me and lashed out at him..in that fight I told him that if he ever makes me choose between family and him, I'll choose family. This hurt him greatly...he feels that he never implied I choose between them, and he'd never ask me to do so, and the fact that I can think so low of him makes him wonder if this relationship is going to work in the long term. Now he is being all cold and distant towards me..he even hinted that we need to talk and discuss our break up. I accept I was wrong..to both him and myself. I have said sorry a million times, tried to make him realise I love him and I'll never hurt him again, tried making things up to him..but nothing is working. I love him with all my heart and don't want to lose him..what can I do to salvage this relationship..pls help me
VictorM's advice:
Let me see... you're madly in love with a guy who is so clingy he can't share you with visiting family, who is so insecure that a few words in the heat of argument have left him scarred for life, and who loves you so much he's willing to breakup with you over a statement you've indicated so often you regretted. If this guy is a gift from God, then God is a practical joker.
Oh stop being such an apologist with him. You not wanting to lose him and apologizing a million times only makes you weak, vulnerable, and empowers him to psychologically blackmail you. Girls who are so afraid of losing a guy are much more likely to lose him than girls who realize he'd be a jerk to walk away from you over this.
Be done with the apologies. His wounded little boy ego will get over it in time, more quickly if you stop kissing his ass.
Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed
Submitted on Tuesday, July 08, 2008
By Rhiley, 20, from Chicago:
OMG! Okay I don't know what to think about this. I've been into this guy and vice versa since March 07. 4th of July he sent me a text from the city to come down there to watch the fireworks with him. Of course I'm super excited because I'm really into this guy and he's already told me he really likes me too. Well that night he said him and his buddy were going to move to the city and I said that I was actually thinking the same thing recently and he said that if I wanted to I could move in with him and his buddy. Me and him dont exactly have a title but a guy wouldn't really offer a girl to live with him if he didn't really like her more than just the usual like...right? Money isn't an issue for him so that cancels out just having someone to help with rent. Do think this is a road to a serious relationship or will we end up like Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed?
VictorM's advice:
"Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed"... that made me laugh. :) Of course I know both of them (I had a crush on her for about 15 minutes) but I guess I don't follow celebrity gossip to know the significance of the statement.
If money is not the issue, then why not just you and him? Why another buddy?
I'm more inclined to believe that having an attractive girl walking around the place sounds more appealing than anything else. Sorta like a fantasy.
It may also be something that sounded like a great idea to him at the time but upon further consideration, he may change his mind.
So... lower your expectations about his motive.
By Rhiley, 20, from Chicago:
OMG! Okay I don't know what to think about this. I've been into this guy and vice versa since March 07. 4th of July he sent me a text from the city to come down there to watch the fireworks with him. Of course I'm super excited because I'm really into this guy and he's already told me he really likes me too. Well that night he said him and his buddy were going to move to the city and I said that I was actually thinking the same thing recently and he said that if I wanted to I could move in with him and his buddy. Me and him dont exactly have a title but a guy wouldn't really offer a girl to live with him if he didn't really like her more than just the usual like...right? Money isn't an issue for him so that cancels out just having someone to help with rent. Do think this is a road to a serious relationship or will we end up like Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed?
VictorM's advice:
"Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed"... that made me laugh. :) Of course I know both of them (I had a crush on her for about 15 minutes) but I guess I don't follow celebrity gossip to know the significance of the statement.
If money is not the issue, then why not just you and him? Why another buddy?
I'm more inclined to believe that having an attractive girl walking around the place sounds more appealing than anything else. Sorta like a fantasy.
It may also be something that sounded like a great idea to him at the time but upon further consideration, he may change his mind.
So... lower your expectations about his motive.
Take care
Submitted on Tuesday, July 08, 2008
By Chris, 32, from New York:
What does it mean whan a guy says "take care"? Is it a blow off? Here is an email that I received from someone who I recently dated....
"Take care" is a very common parting term. I use it all the time, as often as I use "goodbye," "see you later," "be safe", or many other such parting phrases. There's nothing of a "blow-off" about it. And in the context of the above email, I see nothing that suggest anything negative.
By Chris, 32, from New York:
What does it mean whan a guy says "take care"? Is it a blow off? Here is an email that I received from someone who I recently dated....
Hi Chris,VictorM's advice:
I couldn't open the link you sent me but it sounds like I'm running for President? Anyway, vacation is going well but way too fast. This is the first time I've checked my e-mail...slacker. I hope all is well and you're enjoying the summer. Take care.
Sean
"Take care" is a very common parting term. I use it all the time, as often as I use "goodbye," "see you later," "be safe", or many other such parting phrases. There's nothing of a "blow-off" about it. And in the context of the above email, I see nothing that suggest anything negative.
Ego boost
Submitted on Tuesday, July 08, 2008
By Wendy, 30, from France:
Why is it that after a guy rejects you, (one in particular) he says that he is glad we can still be friends and then continues to email and call you when you have explicitly said that you do not want to waste your time if the friendship is going nowhere? Is it because he is bored or just trying to boost his ego by communicating with a girl whom he knows loves him?
VictorM's answer:
Boredom may have something to do with it, but the real reason he still seeks your attention is to boost his ego. Who wants to lose contact with a girl who thinks you can walk on water?
By Wendy, 30, from France:
Why is it that after a guy rejects you, (one in particular) he says that he is glad we can still be friends and then continues to email and call you when you have explicitly said that you do not want to waste your time if the friendship is going nowhere? Is it because he is bored or just trying to boost his ego by communicating with a girl whom he knows loves him?
VictorM's answer:
Boredom may have something to do with it, but the real reason he still seeks your attention is to boost his ego. Who wants to lose contact with a girl who thinks you can walk on water?
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
You will always have a special place in my heart
Submitted on Monday, July 07, 2008
By nicki, 18:
I really need some opinions on this! A teacher this year, that taught me in a subject that wasn't my strongest, so I'd always coming for extra help after school, and naturally we got to know each other, but as the year came to an end, I started to realize that he was treating me different, I started to realize that sometimes he would flirt with me, but he really never did anything that made me feel weird or uncomfortable but after awhile, he started doing things, like making fun of little things I would do in class, or he would say, "I love you, I just want you to know that.", or you will always have a special place in my heart. and when he saw me before graduation, he told me I looked beautiful, and said that this year has been a year he won't forget, because he feels that he has become a better person, teacher, everything because I opened his eyes to giving people an opportunity to succeed.The year was full of moments like that.
Now, I am starting to question how I feel about him, It's like he slowly seduced me all year? I just don't know if these "feelings" between us are real? I graduated so I am no longer a student at school and I just don't know why all of a sudden, I find myself feeling this way. Its like as long as I was a student at the same school that he was my teacher I would never have even looked at him like that, but now, It's like things have changed, and I don't know what to think about the situation. He never bluntly asked me out or anything, but he did say at the end of the year that he did like me, and he hoped that any guy who dates me realizes how lucky they are.
I am starting to wonder if this is just my mind playing tricks on me, or if maybe something is there. I do know that teacher/Student relationships are usually frowned upon, so thats why I felt so unclear as to what I should do next. Do I test the waters with him, or just forget him all together? It's sort of like, my heart tells me one thing, but the reality of the way people think makes me feel like I have to think otherwise.
VictorM's advice:
You don't mention his age, but I'll say this: you are no longer student and teacher and you're both adults now, so you're free to pursue whatever you wish. Unless someone corrects me, I don't think there's anything illegal or unethical about former teachers/students hooking up, even some of his peers and yours will frown on it.
These sort of attractions are not unusual at all. Most men like getting the attention of young girls. The older he is the more likely he is to be vulnerable to that kind of attention. It seldom is about the girl; it usually is a reflection of how he's responding to the aging process and how strongly he's trying to resist getting old. It's highly unlikely that his reactions are an indication that he'd want a relationship with you. It's really between him and his ego, you're just providing the energy to make that happen.
To you, well, you're getting the attention of an authority figure that projects wisdom and confidence, something you probably don't see much of in boys your age. I know nothing about you, but it wouldn't surprise me if your dad is dead, or you don't see him often, of you have a bad relationship with him. It doesn't have to be any of these, but girls who have no relationship with their father or have a bad one are more likely to feel vulnerable to such an attraction.
I say the odds that his attraction for you is romantic are very low. I think you both just reacted to an improved self-esteem brought about by the other one's attention, but that's it. You should carry that improved self-esteem into college and share it with someone closer to your age.
By nicki, 18:
I really need some opinions on this! A teacher this year, that taught me in a subject that wasn't my strongest, so I'd always coming for extra help after school, and naturally we got to know each other, but as the year came to an end, I started to realize that he was treating me different, I started to realize that sometimes he would flirt with me, but he really never did anything that made me feel weird or uncomfortable but after awhile, he started doing things, like making fun of little things I would do in class, or he would say, "I love you, I just want you to know that.", or you will always have a special place in my heart. and when he saw me before graduation, he told me I looked beautiful, and said that this year has been a year he won't forget, because he feels that he has become a better person, teacher, everything because I opened his eyes to giving people an opportunity to succeed.The year was full of moments like that.
Now, I am starting to question how I feel about him, It's like he slowly seduced me all year? I just don't know if these "feelings" between us are real? I graduated so I am no longer a student at school and I just don't know why all of a sudden, I find myself feeling this way. Its like as long as I was a student at the same school that he was my teacher I would never have even looked at him like that, but now, It's like things have changed, and I don't know what to think about the situation. He never bluntly asked me out or anything, but he did say at the end of the year that he did like me, and he hoped that any guy who dates me realizes how lucky they are.
I am starting to wonder if this is just my mind playing tricks on me, or if maybe something is there. I do know that teacher/Student relationships are usually frowned upon, so thats why I felt so unclear as to what I should do next. Do I test the waters with him, or just forget him all together? It's sort of like, my heart tells me one thing, but the reality of the way people think makes me feel like I have to think otherwise.
VictorM's advice:
You don't mention his age, but I'll say this: you are no longer student and teacher and you're both adults now, so you're free to pursue whatever you wish. Unless someone corrects me, I don't think there's anything illegal or unethical about former teachers/students hooking up, even some of his peers and yours will frown on it.
These sort of attractions are not unusual at all. Most men like getting the attention of young girls. The older he is the more likely he is to be vulnerable to that kind of attention. It seldom is about the girl; it usually is a reflection of how he's responding to the aging process and how strongly he's trying to resist getting old. It's highly unlikely that his reactions are an indication that he'd want a relationship with you. It's really between him and his ego, you're just providing the energy to make that happen.
To you, well, you're getting the attention of an authority figure that projects wisdom and confidence, something you probably don't see much of in boys your age. I know nothing about you, but it wouldn't surprise me if your dad is dead, or you don't see him often, of you have a bad relationship with him. It doesn't have to be any of these, but girls who have no relationship with their father or have a bad one are more likely to feel vulnerable to such an attraction.
I say the odds that his attraction for you is romantic are very low. I think you both just reacted to an improved self-esteem brought about by the other one's attention, but that's it. You should carry that improved self-esteem into college and share it with someone closer to your age.
The smaller SUVs get pretty good gas mileage
Submitted on Monday, July 07, 2008
By Peaches, 32, from Atlanta, GA:
There's a guy I know that I see at different functions maybe once a month.
This guy initially would always stare at me but never say anything. Just smile. At one event, he came up and asked me how my day was and he looks scared to death, and so I smiled and was asking him questions and it went fine.
About a month ago, he's chatting with me a little bit. We're outside and he suggests I put suntan lotion on. I was like, I'll be fine and he was kind of insistent and almost frustrated because I wouldn't and I thought that was kind of weird. Later on, we're chatting and he makes a comment about being single and wanting to get married. I didn't say anything.
I asked a friend of mine for his email and I asked him if he would want to do something for a volunteer group I run - just something to try and talk with him, but he answered and wasn't very chatty, so I stopped.
I saw him again last week for an event. He asked if he could sit on the same couch that I was sitting at and I said sure. And he would sit and smile and I would try and initiate conversation and he would answer, but nothing lengthy came out of it except he was kind of grilling me about why I would buy an SUV that got poor gas mileage until I explained that the smaller SUVs get pretty good gas mileage and it got weird, and so he got up to go chat with some guys.
Now, maybe I'm wrong, so please tell me if I am, but he seems interested in some fashion and wants to talk and so do I, but I get so nervous that I could almost see myself as coming off as not interested, but I'm just trying to think of things to say.
Can I try something different? I'm not sure what to do. Sorry if this kind of rambled. I just want to be able to connect in some fashion. I can feel this intensity or tension about him when he's near me.
VictorM's advice:
Funny how people are. I read your submission and if I were in your shoes, I'd run away from this guy as fast as I could. But to each his/her own, I suppose.
Maybe rather than trying to find out how you should approach him, you should analyze why you get so nervous. Are you this nervous every time you meet guys you like? Because if you're not, I'd interpret your reaction as your gut being more aware than your conscious self about this guy. Maybe he just gets nervous around you too, but being insistent with the sunblock, arguing over what car you buy, and out of the blue bringing up wanting to get married, I don't know, sound like very peculiar behavior. If he's this pushy when you're not even a couple, it doesn't bode well for when you are... unless you like being bossed around.
In any case, the way to get a guy to talk is to ask him questions about topics he knows very well or is passionate about. Avoid Yes/No type questions. And if you can muster the courage, do praise him for his knowledge. Oh, and wear a collar and a leash... he might like that.*
* = yes, I'm only joking about the collar and leash thing.
By Peaches, 32, from Atlanta, GA:
There's a guy I know that I see at different functions maybe once a month.
This guy initially would always stare at me but never say anything. Just smile. At one event, he came up and asked me how my day was and he looks scared to death, and so I smiled and was asking him questions and it went fine.
About a month ago, he's chatting with me a little bit. We're outside and he suggests I put suntan lotion on. I was like, I'll be fine and he was kind of insistent and almost frustrated because I wouldn't and I thought that was kind of weird. Later on, we're chatting and he makes a comment about being single and wanting to get married. I didn't say anything.
I asked a friend of mine for his email and I asked him if he would want to do something for a volunteer group I run - just something to try and talk with him, but he answered and wasn't very chatty, so I stopped.
I saw him again last week for an event. He asked if he could sit on the same couch that I was sitting at and I said sure. And he would sit and smile and I would try and initiate conversation and he would answer, but nothing lengthy came out of it except he was kind of grilling me about why I would buy an SUV that got poor gas mileage until I explained that the smaller SUVs get pretty good gas mileage and it got weird, and so he got up to go chat with some guys.
Now, maybe I'm wrong, so please tell me if I am, but he seems interested in some fashion and wants to talk and so do I, but I get so nervous that I could almost see myself as coming off as not interested, but I'm just trying to think of things to say.
Can I try something different? I'm not sure what to do. Sorry if this kind of rambled. I just want to be able to connect in some fashion. I can feel this intensity or tension about him when he's near me.
VictorM's advice:
Funny how people are. I read your submission and if I were in your shoes, I'd run away from this guy as fast as I could. But to each his/her own, I suppose.
Maybe rather than trying to find out how you should approach him, you should analyze why you get so nervous. Are you this nervous every time you meet guys you like? Because if you're not, I'd interpret your reaction as your gut being more aware than your conscious self about this guy. Maybe he just gets nervous around you too, but being insistent with the sunblock, arguing over what car you buy, and out of the blue bringing up wanting to get married, I don't know, sound like very peculiar behavior. If he's this pushy when you're not even a couple, it doesn't bode well for when you are... unless you like being bossed around.
In any case, the way to get a guy to talk is to ask him questions about topics he knows very well or is passionate about. Avoid Yes/No type questions. And if you can muster the courage, do praise him for his knowledge. Oh, and wear a collar and a leash... he might like that.*
* = yes, I'm only joking about the collar and leash thing.
I haven't heard from him in five days
Submitted on Monday, July 07, 2008
By Marie, 25:
I met a guy who was visiting my friend in between moving cities. He seemed very into me and we had the same tastes in music, books, interests etc. We did hook up a little before he left to catch his plane but I was wary of taking things too far so I made him stop. I wasn't very encouraging about meeting up again in the future so we didn't make plans to stay in touch. However I didn't want him to think I was totally uninterested so I took the big step of emailing him my number. I made the message a little playful but also clear that I wanted to talk to him again. He replied and said he would call when he had set up his new place, but seemed to be playing it cool. He asked how I was, so I said I was fine and how was he settling in? He didn't reply and I haven't heard from him in five days. Has he totally lost interest? Do you think it would be worth it to email him again, or should I expect to never hear from him again? I am a very attractive girl so I don't see why he would think it wouldn't be worthwhile to at least stay in touch.
VictorM's advice:
Five days is nothing for a guy! If you had said 5 months than I would question his level of interest. If he still hasn't replied, I see no reason why you can't e-mail him, but not about why he hasn't replied. Just send an e-mail with a totally different topic.
See, guys really aren't that much into chit-chatting, which is what this trading of emails would be. That doesn't mean he doesn't think about you or is not interested in you, it's just that guys usually prefer to say something when they have something to say. Except for a few guys, we're very word-efficient creatures.
Also, your good looks can't hurt, but that's not enough. Guys don't stay interested in a girl because of her looks, they do it if they feel good about themselves when they think about her. More than your looks, maybe this is the impression that lingered: "I wasn't very encouraging about meeting up again in the future."
By Marie, 25:
I met a guy who was visiting my friend in between moving cities. He seemed very into me and we had the same tastes in music, books, interests etc. We did hook up a little before he left to catch his plane but I was wary of taking things too far so I made him stop. I wasn't very encouraging about meeting up again in the future so we didn't make plans to stay in touch. However I didn't want him to think I was totally uninterested so I took the big step of emailing him my number. I made the message a little playful but also clear that I wanted to talk to him again. He replied and said he would call when he had set up his new place, but seemed to be playing it cool. He asked how I was, so I said I was fine and how was he settling in? He didn't reply and I haven't heard from him in five days. Has he totally lost interest? Do you think it would be worth it to email him again, or should I expect to never hear from him again? I am a very attractive girl so I don't see why he would think it wouldn't be worthwhile to at least stay in touch.
VictorM's advice:
Five days is nothing for a guy! If you had said 5 months than I would question his level of interest. If he still hasn't replied, I see no reason why you can't e-mail him, but not about why he hasn't replied. Just send an e-mail with a totally different topic.
See, guys really aren't that much into chit-chatting, which is what this trading of emails would be. That doesn't mean he doesn't think about you or is not interested in you, it's just that guys usually prefer to say something when they have something to say. Except for a few guys, we're very word-efficient creatures.
Also, your good looks can't hurt, but that's not enough. Guys don't stay interested in a girl because of her looks, they do it if they feel good about themselves when they think about her. More than your looks, maybe this is the impression that lingered: "I wasn't very encouraging about meeting up again in the future."
I'm kind of rusty
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By Danielle, 23, from BR:
I have 1st date with a cool guy in a few days. It's been awhile since I've been on date so I'm kind of rusty. I really want it to go well, but I really don't want to over think it. Can you give a few do's and don'ts? I'll really appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
DON'T ask him where the relationship is going.
DON'T ask him if he brought a good enough supply of condoms.
DON'T chew with your mouth open.
Ah, forget all the do's and don'ts. This guy will probably be more nervous than you and besides, dating is not a test with right and wrong answers. All guys are different and each will have different things that turn them on or off. Trying to anticipate what those things might be for each guy is madness. So... (and this sounds corny) just be yourself. By that I mean, dress in a way that pleases you, wear make-up, or don't, as you prefer. Laugh out loud if that's the way you are, etc.
If the guy doesn't particularly like your style, the sooner you find out the better.
But I have one DO... DO offer to pay your share. If he insists on paying fully, let him.
By Danielle, 23, from BR:
I have 1st date with a cool guy in a few days. It's been awhile since I've been on date so I'm kind of rusty. I really want it to go well, but I really don't want to over think it. Can you give a few do's and don'ts? I'll really appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
DON'T ask him where the relationship is going.
DON'T ask him if he brought a good enough supply of condoms.
DON'T chew with your mouth open.
Ah, forget all the do's and don'ts. This guy will probably be more nervous than you and besides, dating is not a test with right and wrong answers. All guys are different and each will have different things that turn them on or off. Trying to anticipate what those things might be for each guy is madness. So... (and this sounds corny) just be yourself. By that I mean, dress in a way that pleases you, wear make-up, or don't, as you prefer. Laugh out loud if that's the way you are, etc.
If the guy doesn't particularly like your style, the sooner you find out the better.
But I have one DO... DO offer to pay your share. If he insists on paying fully, let him.
I met this really cute lifeguard on Wednesday
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By Libby, 14, from San Fran:
I met this really cute lifeguard on Wednesday at Pirate's Cove who was 15 or 16 years old. (I'm guessing. His voice was still cracking but he was buff!) I was chaperoning my sister and her friend. We were in the lazy river and we sped up to him, I kept looking at him and then we made eye contact. I looked down then looked up again and he looked at me again. I think he might have been staring at me. Even my sister noticed! He (on his break) was splashing his cousin and then (on purpose or accident) splashed me... So I splashed him back. Then we had a little splash war, he kept saying "Water Fight!" to everybody. He would splash me all the time, but he also flipped this one girl into the water that I didn't know. He didn't do anything else about her but he stuck me under the water and stuff, but in a fun way. Also, he did this one thing where he took my tube by the handle and shook it really fast. It was really fun! He was doing it to his cousins then he did it to me! He CONSTANTLY kept splashing me and (with the help of my new 9 year old stalker) stuck me under a waterfall.
By Libby, 14, from San Fran:
I met this really cute lifeguard on Wednesday at Pirate's Cove who was 15 or 16 years old. (I'm guessing. His voice was still cracking but he was buff!) I was chaperoning my sister and her friend. We were in the lazy river and we sped up to him, I kept looking at him and then we made eye contact. I looked down then looked up again and he looked at me again. I think he might have been staring at me. Even my sister noticed! He (on his break) was splashing his cousin and then (on purpose or accident) splashed me... So I splashed him back. Then we had a little splash war, he kept saying "Water Fight!" to everybody. He would splash me all the time, but he also flipped this one girl into the water that I didn't know. He didn't do anything else about her but he stuck me under the water and stuff, but in a fun way. Also, he did this one thing where he took my tube by the handle and shook it really fast. It was really fun! He was doing it to his cousins then he did it to me! He CONSTANTLY kept splashing me and (with the help of my new 9 year old stalker) stuck me under a waterfall.
He would talk to the other girls but we didn't really talk at all. All he would say is "Water Fight!!!" and all I would say is "I like can't even get you!" The only conversation we had was just before we got out of the lazy river when he said "This isn't fair! You have like four people and I only have myself!" and I said "Ya!" Nodding. I saw him later that day in a bigger pool as a lifeguard. Again, he kept looking at me while I was watching my sister and her friend go off the diving board. I could see him and he didn't get mad at me becuase I wasn't swimming laps like the other lifeguards did. He's sooooooooooo cute!!!
Here's the thing, I'm going back next Wednesday and: I have NO idea how to start a conversation with him when he's on his little pedestal thing. Was he flirting with me or no, and what do you think he thinks of me? Help!! Thanks a bunch!!
VictorM's advice:
I hope this is not too late since today is Wednesday, but the common advice in a situation like this is: say anything. Boys like talking to pretty girls, and I'm sure he thinks of you that way. So, say anything.
I know, I know, it's easier said than done, isn't it? How about a simple: "Hi, remember me? I beat your ass on the lazy river last week." He'll laugh, or say "no way" or something like that, and you'll laugh and reply, "My name is Libby. What's yours?"
And there you go... you'll live happily ever after. :)
Here's the thing, I'm going back next Wednesday and: I have NO idea how to start a conversation with him when he's on his little pedestal thing. Was he flirting with me or no, and what do you think he thinks of me? Help!! Thanks a bunch!!
VictorM's advice:
I hope this is not too late since today is Wednesday, but the common advice in a situation like this is: say anything. Boys like talking to pretty girls, and I'm sure he thinks of you that way. So, say anything.
I know, I know, it's easier said than done, isn't it? How about a simple: "Hi, remember me? I beat your ass on the lazy river last week." He'll laugh, or say "no way" or something like that, and you'll laugh and reply, "My name is Libby. What's yours?"
And there you go... you'll live happily ever after. :)
He's my first boyfriend ever
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By Amelia, 17, from U.S.A.:
well, this is really awkward. i've never done this kind of thing before but i decided it wouldn't hurt to try. so please try to respond. umm... i've been dating this guy. he's my first boyfriend ever. for 4 years. you might say that him being my first isn't really love or anything but we were both really close and understanding friends before we got together and even closer when we were together. and there was a point when we both were madly in love with each other. our relationship has been rocky and we break up and make up countless times. i know it's unhealthy but we just seem to need each other. well we recently broke up for real this time because he's actually trying to move on and so am i because we both can't take the madness of breaking up and making up but we still have deep deep feelings for each other and he says he doesn't want a relationship right now because it's the summer and he just wants to relax and not get so into the fighting. but the thing is i think he likes this other girl, although im very sure that's not the reason why we broke up and we are still very open and honest with each other and we talk about the new people in our lives who we might get together with... but i'm confused because he said he doesn't want a relationship but he's willing to date this other girl? i'm a jealous ex gf granted. and we still hang out with each other and call each other up. i just dont know what to think because it's kind of like fishing, you don't cook the first fish you catch. but what if you throw the small fish back and sometime in the future it comes back to you? is that even possible... i just need some advice, should i remain friends, should i move on, should i hang on... it would be greatly appreciated and like i said, ive never done this kind of advice column thing before so i won't be surprised if you get to my question like a year from now. but if you get it to it soon, then thank you!
VictorM's advice:
If you're really trying to move on, you'd stop talking to each other so much. Talking about other people you might see is as wise as smashing your head with a sledgehammer. You don't have to be enemies, but you need to cut each other off the other's life.
Your boyfriend really isn't against a relationship, he's against all the fighting in a relationship. The new girl, at least initially, will be all smiles and oh so perfect. But that won't last. If he doesn't have the maturity to deal with you without fighting, he won't have the maturity to do that with her. Sooner or later, world war three will break out between them. Then you can sit back and laugh your ass off.
The best both of you can do for now is go your separate ways and experience new people. You started dating too young, you have no other points of reference, and you probably fight over the dumbest things simply because you don't have the tools to settle differences any other way. All that could change years down the road and things might yet work out between you two.
By Amelia, 17, from U.S.A.:
well, this is really awkward. i've never done this kind of thing before but i decided it wouldn't hurt to try. so please try to respond. umm... i've been dating this guy. he's my first boyfriend ever. for 4 years. you might say that him being my first isn't really love or anything but we were both really close and understanding friends before we got together and even closer when we were together. and there was a point when we both were madly in love with each other. our relationship has been rocky and we break up and make up countless times. i know it's unhealthy but we just seem to need each other. well we recently broke up for real this time because he's actually trying to move on and so am i because we both can't take the madness of breaking up and making up but we still have deep deep feelings for each other and he says he doesn't want a relationship right now because it's the summer and he just wants to relax and not get so into the fighting. but the thing is i think he likes this other girl, although im very sure that's not the reason why we broke up and we are still very open and honest with each other and we talk about the new people in our lives who we might get together with... but i'm confused because he said he doesn't want a relationship but he's willing to date this other girl? i'm a jealous ex gf granted. and we still hang out with each other and call each other up. i just dont know what to think because it's kind of like fishing, you don't cook the first fish you catch. but what if you throw the small fish back and sometime in the future it comes back to you? is that even possible... i just need some advice, should i remain friends, should i move on, should i hang on... it would be greatly appreciated and like i said, ive never done this kind of advice column thing before so i won't be surprised if you get to my question like a year from now. but if you get it to it soon, then thank you!
VictorM's advice:
If you're really trying to move on, you'd stop talking to each other so much. Talking about other people you might see is as wise as smashing your head with a sledgehammer. You don't have to be enemies, but you need to cut each other off the other's life.
Your boyfriend really isn't against a relationship, he's against all the fighting in a relationship. The new girl, at least initially, will be all smiles and oh so perfect. But that won't last. If he doesn't have the maturity to deal with you without fighting, he won't have the maturity to do that with her. Sooner or later, world war three will break out between them. Then you can sit back and laugh your ass off.
The best both of you can do for now is go your separate ways and experience new people. You started dating too young, you have no other points of reference, and you probably fight over the dumbest things simply because you don't have the tools to settle differences any other way. All that could change years down the road and things might yet work out between you two.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
My "boyfriend" has not changed his life at all
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By Angie, 32, from Florida:
I am approximately 20 weeks pregnant, my "boyfriend" has not changed his life at all, he still goes out drinking, hasn't bought 1 thing for the baby...claims there is nothing wrong with his going out. I think he should stop for the time being. When do you think a guy really "gets it" that he will have a baby?
VictorM's advice:
(Yes, I have a puzzled look on my face). Why should your boyfriend change his life style just because you're 20 weeks pregnant? I see no connection, as I'm sure neither does he.
And why should he buy something for a fetus that's still a good 4 months away from being delivered? Why would he do such a nutty thing? (Yes, that's still a puzzled look on my face).
I know... I know... you're pregnant, and you want the attention, and blah blah blah whatever else goes on with your body and mind, but if you have needs, learn to express them in a way that's not so accusatory.
By Angie, 32, from Florida:
I am approximately 20 weeks pregnant, my "boyfriend" has not changed his life at all, he still goes out drinking, hasn't bought 1 thing for the baby...claims there is nothing wrong with his going out. I think he should stop for the time being. When do you think a guy really "gets it" that he will have a baby?
VictorM's advice:
(Yes, I have a puzzled look on my face). Why should your boyfriend change his life style just because you're 20 weeks pregnant? I see no connection, as I'm sure neither does he.
And why should he buy something for a fetus that's still a good 4 months away from being delivered? Why would he do such a nutty thing? (Yes, that's still a puzzled look on my face).
I know... I know... you're pregnant, and you want the attention, and blah blah blah whatever else goes on with your body and mind, but if you have needs, learn to express them in a way that's not so accusatory.
I gave him a key to my place
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By lise, 28, from boston:
I've been dating this guy for 6 months now and when I am with him it's amazing but the problem is we only see each other every other week or so. In an attempt to get some more time with him I gave him a key to my place so he could stop by after work ( he works late hours) but it's been almost two weeks and he hasn't used it! He text me and tells me he misses me but if he really missed me wouldn't he just use the key?
VictorM's advice:
No, that's something a girl would do. Guys tend to be more considerate and he realizes that you'd be sleeping and have to work the next day. (haha sinner down ladies... you know it's true!)
Anyway, I don't see how giving him the key fixes anything. Unless it takes you hours to walk from the bedroom to the front door, he could just ring. My guess is that there is some travel time involved that you're omitting from this equation.
By lise, 28, from boston:
I've been dating this guy for 6 months now and when I am with him it's amazing but the problem is we only see each other every other week or so. In an attempt to get some more time with him I gave him a key to my place so he could stop by after work ( he works late hours) but it's been almost two weeks and he hasn't used it! He text me and tells me he misses me but if he really missed me wouldn't he just use the key?
VictorM's advice:
No, that's something a girl would do. Guys tend to be more considerate and he realizes that you'd be sleeping and have to work the next day. (haha sinner down ladies... you know it's true!)
Anyway, I don't see how giving him the key fixes anything. Unless it takes you hours to walk from the bedroom to the front door, he could just ring. My guess is that there is some travel time involved that you're omitting from this equation.
Another woman on the side?
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By Rosanna, 47:
Hi Victor..I'm a married female who was seeing a married man named Greg (44 years old) once a week for about 5 or 6 months..( I'm not sexually or emotionally attracted to my husband..long story...)We were intimate about 3 or 4 times during the whole duration of our relationship.. I know Greg was a big liar about his "Loving" me because 1) he said "I love you" on our 2nd date..and 2) he Constantly would tell me he loved me..I mean Millions of times over and over again..he'd call me every day, and leave me offline internet messages every day, expressing how much he loved me, that he didn't want anybody else, etc...Even though I knew no man could love me without knowing me from the 2nd date only, I went along with it, just thinking he meant he really Liked me, and believe me, I felt Real good about myself, and Very happy I found a man who was Both emotionally, and sexually satisfying..anyway, he ended our affair because he said his wife found out about us (by seeing a credit card bill for a hotel we were at), and hinted that he has to "put his daughters before anybody else"..) I don't believe his reason for ending it, because he doesn't seem to miss me at all, since he doesn't try calling me, ( even from a public phone) just to see how I'm doing, or telling me He missed me ( He only called a few times shortly after the breakup I believe, out of guilt, since I was crying so hard, when he first told me the bad news)..he knew I was crazy about him later on in our affair..I started falling for him, whereas, at first, He was the Lover and I was the Lovee... After telling him once, with an upset tone of voice, almost half crying, that I didn't believe him., he called the next day, with an angry tone of voice, saying he was upset I didn't believe him, and that he'd call me later..he never did..that night, out of desparation, I called him, intending to patch things up, since I still obviously wanted to see him, and a woman picked up the phone! I hung up.. I emailed him an I'm sorry card, for not believing him, with a $75 gift card... Feeling so comfortable to be myself with him, I even told him in the card that I had a low opinion of myself, thinking nobody Could ever love me like he has)..one time he said he swore he was telling me the truth ..Lastly, he emailed me saying I can feel free to write him, and that he'll always love me.. I also asked him previously, the week before, (when I tried, and actually Did believe him at that point) , if he'd still like to get together with me, without leaving any tracks this time..he declined, but I'm not quite sure if he meant we won't Ever get together, or only for a good while..what I'd like to know is, do you think he is seeing another woman on the side? I think this is the reason .. Oh, and I just got an IM from him now, saying he loves me, and misses me..I'm totally confused! please write back.! and thank you so much for reading this long message..!
VictorM's advice:
He could have been in love with you from day one. Sure, it may be a temporary thing, it may even be just a spontaneous thing, and sure enough, it may not have lasting power, but the intensity of attraction for another human being can be that quick and it can produce the kind of expressions you described. Even puppy love can feel as intense as anything else; that it may not survive or last long doesn't matter.
You say this guy wanted to end it with you after his wife found out and then he never called you... Come on Rosanna... never calling is part of ending it! It's what he should have been doing. Not calling is a reflection of his willpower, not his feelings.
Do I think he's seeing another woman? Well, he's a liar and a cheat, so who knows, but I doubt it. If he was, I doubt he'd be wasting his time with IMs and such with you. If he had another woman he's be spending his time and energies on her and avoiding his wife.
But I also think that if you cared about the guy you'd be leaving him alone, otherwise you're just a big exercise in selfishness. Maybe you should spend your energies fixing or ending your marriage, seeing a therapist about your low self-esteem, and seeking happiness without helping to destroy another marriage.
By Rosanna, 47:
Hi Victor..I'm a married female who was seeing a married man named Greg (44 years old) once a week for about 5 or 6 months..( I'm not sexually or emotionally attracted to my husband..long story...)We were intimate about 3 or 4 times during the whole duration of our relationship.. I know Greg was a big liar about his "Loving" me because 1) he said "I love you" on our 2nd date..and 2) he Constantly would tell me he loved me..I mean Millions of times over and over again..he'd call me every day, and leave me offline internet messages every day, expressing how much he loved me, that he didn't want anybody else, etc...Even though I knew no man could love me without knowing me from the 2nd date only, I went along with it, just thinking he meant he really Liked me, and believe me, I felt Real good about myself, and Very happy I found a man who was Both emotionally, and sexually satisfying..anyway, he ended our affair because he said his wife found out about us (by seeing a credit card bill for a hotel we were at), and hinted that he has to "put his daughters before anybody else"..) I don't believe his reason for ending it, because he doesn't seem to miss me at all, since he doesn't try calling me, ( even from a public phone) just to see how I'm doing, or telling me He missed me ( He only called a few times shortly after the breakup I believe, out of guilt, since I was crying so hard, when he first told me the bad news)..he knew I was crazy about him later on in our affair..I started falling for him, whereas, at first, He was the Lover and I was the Lovee... After telling him once, with an upset tone of voice, almost half crying, that I didn't believe him., he called the next day, with an angry tone of voice, saying he was upset I didn't believe him, and that he'd call me later..he never did..that night, out of desparation, I called him, intending to patch things up, since I still obviously wanted to see him, and a woman picked up the phone! I hung up.. I emailed him an I'm sorry card, for not believing him, with a $75 gift card... Feeling so comfortable to be myself with him, I even told him in the card that I had a low opinion of myself, thinking nobody Could ever love me like he has)..one time he said he swore he was telling me the truth ..Lastly, he emailed me saying I can feel free to write him, and that he'll always love me.. I also asked him previously, the week before, (when I tried, and actually Did believe him at that point) , if he'd still like to get together with me, without leaving any tracks this time..he declined, but I'm not quite sure if he meant we won't Ever get together, or only for a good while..what I'd like to know is, do you think he is seeing another woman on the side? I think this is the reason .. Oh, and I just got an IM from him now, saying he loves me, and misses me..I'm totally confused! please write back.! and thank you so much for reading this long message..!
VictorM's advice:
He could have been in love with you from day one. Sure, it may be a temporary thing, it may even be just a spontaneous thing, and sure enough, it may not have lasting power, but the intensity of attraction for another human being can be that quick and it can produce the kind of expressions you described. Even puppy love can feel as intense as anything else; that it may not survive or last long doesn't matter.
You say this guy wanted to end it with you after his wife found out and then he never called you... Come on Rosanna... never calling is part of ending it! It's what he should have been doing. Not calling is a reflection of his willpower, not his feelings.
Do I think he's seeing another woman? Well, he's a liar and a cheat, so who knows, but I doubt it. If he was, I doubt he'd be wasting his time with IMs and such with you. If he had another woman he's be spending his time and energies on her and avoiding his wife.
But I also think that if you cared about the guy you'd be leaving him alone, otherwise you're just a big exercise in selfishness. Maybe you should spend your energies fixing or ending your marriage, seeing a therapist about your low self-esteem, and seeking happiness without helping to destroy another marriage.
He tells me he does not want anything to come between us
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By wendy, 35, from bedford county:
We are not boyfriend/girlfriend but he's with me about every weekend and he tells me he does not want anything to come between us. I just don't understand where he is coming from.
VictorM's advice:
Let me translate: he likes the sex, enjoys the company, but has no romantic feelings for you. He'll end this arrangement whenever he finds someone he falls for, but for now, you'll do.
By wendy, 35, from bedford county:
We are not boyfriend/girlfriend but he's with me about every weekend and he tells me he does not want anything to come between us. I just don't understand where he is coming from.
VictorM's advice:
Let me translate: he likes the sex, enjoys the company, but has no romantic feelings for you. He'll end this arrangement whenever he finds someone he falls for, but for now, you'll do.
He was a douche bag to me
Submitted on Sunday, July 06, 2008
By holly, 20:
I had a semi messy break up and it's been awhile (i'm actually kind of surprised that it still bothers me, but thats another question for another time lol). Anyway, we split, we both went separate ways to college. He immediately gets involved with a girl and has been dating her, while randomly hooking up with his ex from like 9th grade ...yeah seriously, he has kept her "as a friend" which is bullshit of course, but anyway, he and i had broken up due to distance several times but we always believed that we would always be friends (i used to be close to his family as well). We really where best friends and had what we and everyone around us believed to be a very intimate relationship. We were very close...but we never sealed the deal if you know what i mean..because i'm a virgin and wanted to see how our relationship lasted through the distance (go me..cuz it didn't..lol).
Anyway, our last actually conversation on the phone was me crying about something that was bothering me -- had nothing to do with our failed relationship -- i just needed him as a friend and he couldn't be that person for me ...apparently he was having a difficult time as well (smoking, drinking, sneaking around with sleazy girls, hanging out with thug boys that used him for his $$ or his parents $$.
I don't know if losing me bothered him due to the fact that i was such a buzz kill, just the look on my face told him that i was dissappointed... (mmm at least I'm not an enabler ehum...like the current gf..) anyway we had a email where i told him of a mutual friends car accident and i forwarded that information to him (this is after virtually 6 month of no communication what so ever) he was polite appreciative of the info but never asked about the mutual friend just asked if i was happy what i was doing etc.
He tried to be friends with me again on facebook, which i politely declined and told him that it was a sweet gesture but something i would rather not do, but that i would like to be friends...he came to town and it seemed as though he tried to manipulate a situation where i would show up at a mutual friends house where only he, myspel and that mutual friend would be there. Again, i politely declined to his friend who was requesting i visit him. It was an odd situation. Anyway i later texted him and said something like we used to be best friends can't we talk? (cuz we where both home, we have mutual friends etc.) He later responded: "let's have lunch." I agreed. He never called me for lunch or anything. He left back to school, never said goodby or kiss my ass or anything.
I bumped into him briefly at a store. He was polite but very distant....i just don't understand why we can't be friends...if he is over me why can't we be friends whats the problem why can;t he talk to me on the phone... (it was always difficult for us to talk on the phone, to hear each others voice when we couldn't be together, was always so hard for us). One of my guy friends who is very close to his family says he thinks that he is just really embarrassed because he has changed and he was a douche bag to me at the end and he thinks he can't communicate with me for those reasons... I don't know. i don't talk about the ex except with one friend and i never say a word about him to his family members or any of our mutual friends. Although his current girlfriend is "just whatever" in my opinion, i'm still the kind of person who respects that she's dating him...so i don't try to interfere or anything but i just can't understand why he can't talk to me. Does he hate me? Is just fully uninterested because i don't offer him anything? He cheats on the girlfriend so i know it's not out respect for her. He cheats at least 2-3 girls back home when he comes to visit...like leaves one bed for another...stupid girls...is any of this a normal guy reaction? it really breaks my heart that i'm virtually pushed to the side as if i don't exist right now. I truly have no desire to be with him at this time in life if ever but he was my best freind and i guess i had him on a pretty high pedestal in which he fell off flat...damn i hate that. sorry im rambling a bit but perhaps you can understand my confusion and give me a clear perspective, so i can get over this.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe we live in a parallel universe, but this makes no sense to me: you want to be friends with this guy yet you turn down his request to be friends on facebook? What the hell is that all about?
Holly, the problem here is that you think the world revolves around Holly's rules -- it doesn't! According to you, you breakup but he's supposed to want to hear your sorry ass crying bullshit stories; you want his friendship but yet won't meet him at a friend's house or even (for crying shame) accept his facebook invitation. It's like you expect this guy to be a robot, devoid or anger, pride, moods, imperfections, etc. He should be your friend because you want him to be your friend no matter what you've done to him. That's utter bullshit.
We seem to have hit a streak of questions on this page where girls dump on guys and then are puzzled why the guys are mad as hell at them and behave as such. To save me time, I'm going to cut and paste portions from another question+answer
He's not embarrassed; his ego is hurt. Now, "he's mad as hell at you. With guys, that's a condition that most likely will change, but before he can be normal with you again, two things need to happen: one, he needs time to 'get over it'; two, he needs a few opportunities to hurt you back and make you feel the pain he felt -- being ignored."
Further, when a couple breaks up, it's very difficult for the one with feelings not to want to associate that much with the other. Your idea that you should be friends is really a giant act of selfish behavior that doesn't consider that the other person might be hurt further by close contact with the source of his pain.
Your guy is doing what it takes to move on, and yes, that often includes doing stupid stuff. But at least he's not being a whinny ass expecting you to lay down so he can walk all over you... again.
(And before someone writes accusing me of being rude to Holly, please notice that the tone of the above is not my "voice", I'm just trying to make her understand what her guy might be thinking).
By holly, 20:
I had a semi messy break up and it's been awhile (i'm actually kind of surprised that it still bothers me, but thats another question for another time lol). Anyway, we split, we both went separate ways to college. He immediately gets involved with a girl and has been dating her, while randomly hooking up with his ex from like 9th grade ...yeah seriously, he has kept her "as a friend" which is bullshit of course, but anyway, he and i had broken up due to distance several times but we always believed that we would always be friends (i used to be close to his family as well). We really where best friends and had what we and everyone around us believed to be a very intimate relationship. We were very close...but we never sealed the deal if you know what i mean..because i'm a virgin and wanted to see how our relationship lasted through the distance (go me..cuz it didn't..lol).
Anyway, our last actually conversation on the phone was me crying about something that was bothering me -- had nothing to do with our failed relationship -- i just needed him as a friend and he couldn't be that person for me ...apparently he was having a difficult time as well (smoking, drinking, sneaking around with sleazy girls, hanging out with thug boys that used him for his $$ or his parents $$.
I don't know if losing me bothered him due to the fact that i was such a buzz kill, just the look on my face told him that i was dissappointed... (mmm at least I'm not an enabler ehum...like the current gf..) anyway we had a email where i told him of a mutual friends car accident and i forwarded that information to him (this is after virtually 6 month of no communication what so ever) he was polite appreciative of the info but never asked about the mutual friend just asked if i was happy what i was doing etc.
He tried to be friends with me again on facebook, which i politely declined and told him that it was a sweet gesture but something i would rather not do, but that i would like to be friends...he came to town and it seemed as though he tried to manipulate a situation where i would show up at a mutual friends house where only he, myspel and that mutual friend would be there. Again, i politely declined to his friend who was requesting i visit him. It was an odd situation. Anyway i later texted him and said something like we used to be best friends can't we talk? (cuz we where both home, we have mutual friends etc.) He later responded: "let's have lunch." I agreed. He never called me for lunch or anything. He left back to school, never said goodby or kiss my ass or anything.
I bumped into him briefly at a store. He was polite but very distant....i just don't understand why we can't be friends...if he is over me why can't we be friends whats the problem why can;t he talk to me on the phone... (it was always difficult for us to talk on the phone, to hear each others voice when we couldn't be together, was always so hard for us). One of my guy friends who is very close to his family says he thinks that he is just really embarrassed because he has changed and he was a douche bag to me at the end and he thinks he can't communicate with me for those reasons... I don't know. i don't talk about the ex except with one friend and i never say a word about him to his family members or any of our mutual friends. Although his current girlfriend is "just whatever" in my opinion, i'm still the kind of person who respects that she's dating him...so i don't try to interfere or anything but i just can't understand why he can't talk to me. Does he hate me? Is just fully uninterested because i don't offer him anything? He cheats on the girlfriend so i know it's not out respect for her. He cheats at least 2-3 girls back home when he comes to visit...like leaves one bed for another...stupid girls...is any of this a normal guy reaction? it really breaks my heart that i'm virtually pushed to the side as if i don't exist right now. I truly have no desire to be with him at this time in life if ever but he was my best freind and i guess i had him on a pretty high pedestal in which he fell off flat...damn i hate that. sorry im rambling a bit but perhaps you can understand my confusion and give me a clear perspective, so i can get over this.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe we live in a parallel universe, but this makes no sense to me: you want to be friends with this guy yet you turn down his request to be friends on facebook? What the hell is that all about?
Holly, the problem here is that you think the world revolves around Holly's rules -- it doesn't! According to you, you breakup but he's supposed to want to hear your sorry ass crying bullshit stories; you want his friendship but yet won't meet him at a friend's house or even (for crying shame) accept his facebook invitation. It's like you expect this guy to be a robot, devoid or anger, pride, moods, imperfections, etc. He should be your friend because you want him to be your friend no matter what you've done to him. That's utter bullshit.
We seem to have hit a streak of questions on this page where girls dump on guys and then are puzzled why the guys are mad as hell at them and behave as such. To save me time, I'm going to cut and paste portions from another question+answer
He's not embarrassed; his ego is hurt. Now, "he's mad as hell at you. With guys, that's a condition that most likely will change, but before he can be normal with you again, two things need to happen: one, he needs time to 'get over it'; two, he needs a few opportunities to hurt you back and make you feel the pain he felt -- being ignored."
Further, when a couple breaks up, it's very difficult for the one with feelings not to want to associate that much with the other. Your idea that you should be friends is really a giant act of selfish behavior that doesn't consider that the other person might be hurt further by close contact with the source of his pain.
Your guy is doing what it takes to move on, and yes, that often includes doing stupid stuff. But at least he's not being a whinny ass expecting you to lay down so he can walk all over you... again.
(And before someone writes accusing me of being rude to Holly, please notice that the tone of the above is not my "voice", I'm just trying to make her understand what her guy might be thinking).
I tried to solve things
Submitted on Saturday, July 05, 2008
By renee, 22, from chicago, IL:
I really hope you answer this. 2.5 years ago I left a 3-year relationship, ended a friendship with my best friend, and my grandmother passed away within 2 weeks. I lost faith in people, basically, until six months later when I started dating my now-ex boyfriend. Long story short, I never met anyone I understood so well. I thought we would get married. Two months ago, we broke up. It was a long-distance relationship (90 miles). It dragged us apart, infused jealousy, and it became a love-hate relationship. I still love him. It finally ended when I figured out he wasn't putting in as much effort as he used to, and our lives grew apart. We hadn't seen each other for over a month (though we spoke a few times daily) when we saw each other again. I felt the disconnection, and we broke up. When I drove home, I knew I'd made a mistake and tried to resolve things. For a period of a week I tried, but he said things like "we have to stop lying to ourselves", and "we don't get along". Finally, he said "For the record, I love you more than anything in the world, but you never understood that." I tried to solve things. We were going back and forth on the decision. Finally, I gave him space Memorial weekend. The night of Memorial Day, I was out of town, and he called. I never got the call, and tried to return it the following afternoon. He didn't answer. I stopped calling. And I guess that's how it ended - no words, no closure, nothing. I know he's been checking up on me through friends. It's been horrible, but I refrained from contacting him. Finally, last night I broke down and called. He answered the phone, and hung up. I don't understand. Will I never get closure? I can't make sense of this... Is there any way you can help me understand what he's thinking?
VictorM's advice:
You say you tried to fix things, but if you came at me with a butcher knife and cut me, taking me to the emergency room after wouldn't be enough to stop me from being mad as hell at you.
Trying to fix things, Renee, simply isn't enough. He's mad as hell at you. With guys, that's a condition that most likely will change, but before he can be normal with you again, two things need to happen: one, he needs time to "get over it"; two, he needs a few opportunities to hurt you back (such as hanging up on you) and make you feel the pain he felt -- being ignored.
So don't think of him hanging up on you as a sign he never wants to talk to you again; see it as just one step in his "getting over it" process. Actually, you should be pleased he hung-up on you. It means you're meaningful enough in his life that he's taking these steps.
By renee, 22, from chicago, IL:
I really hope you answer this. 2.5 years ago I left a 3-year relationship, ended a friendship with my best friend, and my grandmother passed away within 2 weeks. I lost faith in people, basically, until six months later when I started dating my now-ex boyfriend. Long story short, I never met anyone I understood so well. I thought we would get married. Two months ago, we broke up. It was a long-distance relationship (90 miles). It dragged us apart, infused jealousy, and it became a love-hate relationship. I still love him. It finally ended when I figured out he wasn't putting in as much effort as he used to, and our lives grew apart. We hadn't seen each other for over a month (though we spoke a few times daily) when we saw each other again. I felt the disconnection, and we broke up. When I drove home, I knew I'd made a mistake and tried to resolve things. For a period of a week I tried, but he said things like "we have to stop lying to ourselves", and "we don't get along". Finally, he said "For the record, I love you more than anything in the world, but you never understood that." I tried to solve things. We were going back and forth on the decision. Finally, I gave him space Memorial weekend. The night of Memorial Day, I was out of town, and he called. I never got the call, and tried to return it the following afternoon. He didn't answer. I stopped calling. And I guess that's how it ended - no words, no closure, nothing. I know he's been checking up on me through friends. It's been horrible, but I refrained from contacting him. Finally, last night I broke down and called. He answered the phone, and hung up. I don't understand. Will I never get closure? I can't make sense of this... Is there any way you can help me understand what he's thinking?
VictorM's advice:
You say you tried to fix things, but if you came at me with a butcher knife and cut me, taking me to the emergency room after wouldn't be enough to stop me from being mad as hell at you.
Trying to fix things, Renee, simply isn't enough. He's mad as hell at you. With guys, that's a condition that most likely will change, but before he can be normal with you again, two things need to happen: one, he needs time to "get over it"; two, he needs a few opportunities to hurt you back (such as hanging up on you) and make you feel the pain he felt -- being ignored.
So don't think of him hanging up on you as a sign he never wants to talk to you again; see it as just one step in his "getting over it" process. Actually, you should be pleased he hung-up on you. It means you're meaningful enough in his life that he's taking these steps.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
I'm not too sure how to read him
Submitted on Saturday, July 05, 2008
By Eileen, 23, from Ca:
I met a guy online, but I'm not too sure how to read him. At the time, I wasn't looking for a relationship, just casual dating. We met once for coffee, when we were in the same town (we used to go to the same college). He had ambition and was pretty cute. Our conversation was more of me doing the talking, so I had no idea if our meeting went well or not. When our "date" came to an end, he asked me how we would keep in touch so I said that we could just talk online. I admit that I'm really, really clueless when it comes to guys, so now that I think about it, he might have been asking me for my number (although, I'm really not too sure about that because I don't usually have guys ask me for my number). We spoke online a couple of times shortly after, but I initiated both conversations. He seemed pretty busy at the time so they were very short convos. We didn't meet again; he graduated and left, I met someone else (we're broken up now). Now a year later, I'm planning to visit family where he is, so I talked to him twice online about the city, asking him questions. They were very short, polite conversations initiated by me again. In one of our conversations, he told me to "keep him posted" about when I'm coming to where he is. I've been online a few times, and he hasn't initiated any sort of contact. So do I take this to mean, he's not actually interested and is just being polite? Thanks for your advice, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
If he's interested in meeting you again he sure has a funny way of showing it. It really does sound like he's just being polite, but maybe he has other activities around the same time and can't commit.
Why not remove all doubts and just ask him directly and excitedly for you two to meet when you're there? He may still be under the impression that you weren't that impressed with him. If you sound excited about meeting him, you may find out he feels the same way but has been holding back.
By Eileen, 23, from Ca:
I met a guy online, but I'm not too sure how to read him. At the time, I wasn't looking for a relationship, just casual dating. We met once for coffee, when we were in the same town (we used to go to the same college). He had ambition and was pretty cute. Our conversation was more of me doing the talking, so I had no idea if our meeting went well or not. When our "date" came to an end, he asked me how we would keep in touch so I said that we could just talk online. I admit that I'm really, really clueless when it comes to guys, so now that I think about it, he might have been asking me for my number (although, I'm really not too sure about that because I don't usually have guys ask me for my number). We spoke online a couple of times shortly after, but I initiated both conversations. He seemed pretty busy at the time so they were very short convos. We didn't meet again; he graduated and left, I met someone else (we're broken up now). Now a year later, I'm planning to visit family where he is, so I talked to him twice online about the city, asking him questions. They were very short, polite conversations initiated by me again. In one of our conversations, he told me to "keep him posted" about when I'm coming to where he is. I've been online a few times, and he hasn't initiated any sort of contact. So do I take this to mean, he's not actually interested and is just being polite? Thanks for your advice, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
If he's interested in meeting you again he sure has a funny way of showing it. It really does sound like he's just being polite, but maybe he has other activities around the same time and can't commit.
Why not remove all doubts and just ask him directly and excitedly for you two to meet when you're there? He may still be under the impression that you weren't that impressed with him. If you sound excited about meeting him, you may find out he feels the same way but has been holding back.
We ended up kissing
Submitted on Friday, July 04, 2008
By carla, 23, from montreal:
My best guy friend and I recently got high and we ended up kissing. After that I asked him what just happened then he goes: "I don't want to think about it, we were just high that's all." After that I didn't hear from him for weeks. Last night I called him just to say hi then he brushed me off, saying that he was busy and that we'd talk "next time".
What the *bleep* was that all about?
VictorM's advice:
He thinks you like him romantically and he wants nothing to do with that, so he's staying as far away from you as he can.
By carla, 23, from montreal:
My best guy friend and I recently got high and we ended up kissing. After that I asked him what just happened then he goes: "I don't want to think about it, we were just high that's all." After that I didn't hear from him for weeks. Last night I called him just to say hi then he brushed me off, saying that he was busy and that we'd talk "next time".
What the *bleep* was that all about?
VictorM's advice:
He thinks you like him romantically and he wants nothing to do with that, so he's staying as far away from you as he can.
I'm meeting a friend online
Submitted on Friday, July 04, 2008
By Alexa, 22, from vermont:
When a girl asks a guy out, and he says: "I have plans, I'm meeting a friend online, maybe next time" ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, does that mean he is uninterested and is giving a lame excuse in hopes of the girl getting the hint?
VictorM's advice:
That would be my guess. The "maybe next time" is the dead give away, as far as I'm concerned.
By Alexa, 22, from vermont:
When a girl asks a guy out, and he says: "I have plans, I'm meeting a friend online, maybe next time" ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, does that mean he is uninterested and is giving a lame excuse in hopes of the girl getting the hint?
VictorM's advice:
That would be my guess. The "maybe next time" is the dead give away, as far as I'm concerned.
We ended up making out
Submitted on Friday, July 04, 2008
By liz, 18, from London:
Two months ago I visited New York City and went out a lot with the son of my mom's best friend, who is my age. We've known each other since we were kids, although we never had the opportunity to be really close. When I visited New York, his mom suggested that we get together (in a totally platonic way) just so someone could take me around the city (I'm going to college there next spring.)
When I got there, though, things started becoming different, and I sensed that his interest in me was becoming romantic. We would go out almost every day I was there (two weeks), and on my last night we ended up making out. Suddenly, in the middle of it, I stopped him and said it was wrong, since I had a boyfriend back home at the time and he had just broken up with his girl (he would mention her quite often on our dates). I told him I knew he wasn't over his ex and I didn't want to be his rebound girl as it would ruin our friendship. Then he told me that wasn't it, that he really grew to like me over the past couple of weeks and that we had an "intellectual connection". Still, I refused him and told him I better get going.
As he was driving me back to my hotel room, we tried to make awkward conversation but it was obvious that things were tense already. Normally, he would walk me all the way to the elevator, but that night he just dropped me at the entrance and sped away.
Last week, at a dinner party thrown by my parents, he showed up at our flat with his mom, and that's how I found out he'd been in London for the past couple of weeks. The whole night we wouldn't speak to each other, made sure to stay on opposite sides of the room, and avoided eye contact. Finally, last night, my mom told me to call him and show him around the city, at least as a way of returning his hospitality when I was in New York (she doesn't know that we hooked up). When I finally got the courage to call him up and ask him to a party that night, he refused and told me, rather coldly, that he had plans to meet up with some guy friends that night, and that we should just meet up some other time.
Obviously, I still like him very much, but do I still have a shot with this guy? Did he even really like me back in New York? It really hurts knowing that by next spring I'll be there and we might not even get to hang out, as I really enjoyed his company and he avoids me like the plague. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you still have a shot with him.
He's doing the oh so very typical guy thing. Basically, you hurt his ego and the way a guy gets it healed is by hurting back the person that caused the boo-boo. Once he feels he's done that to you, he'll be receptive to giving you another shot (by the way, all this is done at a subconscious level). Unless, that is, he's found someone else with whom he shares an "intellectual connection" and consequently has cooled off his interest in you.
Take him up on the offer to meet some other. If he's still cold to you, wait till next spring when you get to New York and try one more time.
I suggest that you don't bring up the incident in NY. Bringing that up will only revive old wounds. Giving him time to get over it and a couple of opportunities for him to be cold to you should do the trick as far as his childish ego is concerned. If he's still rejecting you by the spring, then I would say he's moved on and you should do likewise. Besides, you'll find plenty of other interesting guys in NY. Don't get all your eggs on this basket.
By liz, 18, from London:
Two months ago I visited New York City and went out a lot with the son of my mom's best friend, who is my age. We've known each other since we were kids, although we never had the opportunity to be really close. When I visited New York, his mom suggested that we get together (in a totally platonic way) just so someone could take me around the city (I'm going to college there next spring.)
When I got there, though, things started becoming different, and I sensed that his interest in me was becoming romantic. We would go out almost every day I was there (two weeks), and on my last night we ended up making out. Suddenly, in the middle of it, I stopped him and said it was wrong, since I had a boyfriend back home at the time and he had just broken up with his girl (he would mention her quite often on our dates). I told him I knew he wasn't over his ex and I didn't want to be his rebound girl as it would ruin our friendship. Then he told me that wasn't it, that he really grew to like me over the past couple of weeks and that we had an "intellectual connection". Still, I refused him and told him I better get going.
As he was driving me back to my hotel room, we tried to make awkward conversation but it was obvious that things were tense already. Normally, he would walk me all the way to the elevator, but that night he just dropped me at the entrance and sped away.
Last week, at a dinner party thrown by my parents, he showed up at our flat with his mom, and that's how I found out he'd been in London for the past couple of weeks. The whole night we wouldn't speak to each other, made sure to stay on opposite sides of the room, and avoided eye contact. Finally, last night, my mom told me to call him and show him around the city, at least as a way of returning his hospitality when I was in New York (she doesn't know that we hooked up). When I finally got the courage to call him up and ask him to a party that night, he refused and told me, rather coldly, that he had plans to meet up with some guy friends that night, and that we should just meet up some other time.
Obviously, I still like him very much, but do I still have a shot with this guy? Did he even really like me back in New York? It really hurts knowing that by next spring I'll be there and we might not even get to hang out, as I really enjoyed his company and he avoids me like the plague. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you still have a shot with him.
He's doing the oh so very typical guy thing. Basically, you hurt his ego and the way a guy gets it healed is by hurting back the person that caused the boo-boo. Once he feels he's done that to you, he'll be receptive to giving you another shot (by the way, all this is done at a subconscious level). Unless, that is, he's found someone else with whom he shares an "intellectual connection" and consequently has cooled off his interest in you.
Take him up on the offer to meet some other. If he's still cold to you, wait till next spring when you get to New York and try one more time.
I suggest that you don't bring up the incident in NY. Bringing that up will only revive old wounds. Giving him time to get over it and a couple of opportunities for him to be cold to you should do the trick as far as his childish ego is concerned. If he's still rejecting you by the spring, then I would say he's moved on and you should do likewise. Besides, you'll find plenty of other interesting guys in NY. Don't get all your eggs on this basket.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
I'm afraid that I'm reading too much into it
Submitted on Thursday, July 03, 2008
By Marie, 23, from washington:
I've been friends with a guy for 6 years and were pretty close, I have no problems telling him everything except for the fact that I have feelings for him. Nothing has ever happend between us, the only thing we've ever done is flirt. He joined the military about a year and a half ago and I just recently went to go see him for a weekend. The entire time he said how glad he was I was there and he loved me. This is not the first time he has said he loved me but it the most times he has said it. I would like there to be more between us but I'm afraid that I'm reading too much into it. When you've been friends for that long is there a chance to be more or did he decide along time ago that I was just friendship material?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that your problem is that you're reading too much into it, but rather, that you're not reading enough into it. He's as stuck in his ability to tell you about his feelings for you as you are of telling him about yours for him. So you two silly lovebirds-in-waiting are missing out on great sex. :)
One of you simply has to stop being a chicken!
By Marie, 23, from washington:
I've been friends with a guy for 6 years and were pretty close, I have no problems telling him everything except for the fact that I have feelings for him. Nothing has ever happend between us, the only thing we've ever done is flirt. He joined the military about a year and a half ago and I just recently went to go see him for a weekend. The entire time he said how glad he was I was there and he loved me. This is not the first time he has said he loved me but it the most times he has said it. I would like there to be more between us but I'm afraid that I'm reading too much into it. When you've been friends for that long is there a chance to be more or did he decide along time ago that I was just friendship material?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that your problem is that you're reading too much into it, but rather, that you're not reading enough into it. He's as stuck in his ability to tell you about his feelings for you as you are of telling him about yours for him. So you two silly lovebirds-in-waiting are missing out on great sex. :)
One of you simply has to stop being a chicken!
We have even talked about sex
Submitted on Thursday, July 03, 2008
By kayla, 16, from florida:
ok me and this guy have been talking and flirting for a while we have even talked about sex. After that I asked him why don't we take it to the next level and make it offical he says he doesn't want the drama. Now, everything is weird. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
It's not at all uncommon for boys around your age to be all talk (specially about sex) and no action. He was prepared to take things slowly, as boys often do, but you sped things up too fast for him.
Try to ease off and just talk about friendly stuff. Things are weird now but if you back off a little chances are that you can resume being friendly again.
By kayla, 16, from florida:
ok me and this guy have been talking and flirting for a while we have even talked about sex. After that I asked him why don't we take it to the next level and make it offical he says he doesn't want the drama. Now, everything is weird. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
It's not at all uncommon for boys around your age to be all talk (specially about sex) and no action. He was prepared to take things slowly, as boys often do, but you sped things up too fast for him.
Try to ease off and just talk about friendly stuff. Things are weird now but if you back off a little chances are that you can resume being friendly again.
A little kissing but nothing more
Submitted on Thursday, July 03, 2008
By Melissa, 21, from Philadelphia, PA:
I have casually known this guy for two years. We have always had polite exchanges, but that was it. It turned out randomly that we had several friends in common, and I ended up hanging out with him very unexpectedly at a group function. He ended up staying after everyone else left, and we had a lot of fun together, and even made out. For the next two weeks, we saw each other 5-6 nights a week, and I felt this great camaraderie with him. I wasn't sure I wished to get any deeper than that, so I always left it at a little kissing but nothing more. Then I went away for vacation for two weeks, and was unable to see him. When I got back, we did hang out, and it was fun as usual. However, he told me that his feelings for me scare him. I tried to laugh it off and told him he would get over it. Since, I have not heard from him. I have not tried to contact him, as I don't want to scare him anymore and/or I don't want to chase after him if he is not interested, but I kinda liked the friendship thing we had going, and I would like it back. What is he thinking right now, and how do I convice him that we should keep in touch?
VictorM's advice:
I think you should just call him, as if nothing happened, and ask him to do something fun.
It's hard to tell why you haven't heard from him, but I'm going to suggest that when he said he had feelings for you and you replied that he'll get over them, his mind processed that answer as: "I have no feelings for you and you better get that straight." The result being that his ego was bruised and/or he feels embarrassed now.
If you call him, he may still want nothing to do with you, and I can understand why that would be: why invest more time and emotional attachment on a girl who only wants to be friends? By staying away from you he avoids getting closer to a girl who won't respond to his feelings in kind.
By Melissa, 21, from Philadelphia, PA:
I have casually known this guy for two years. We have always had polite exchanges, but that was it. It turned out randomly that we had several friends in common, and I ended up hanging out with him very unexpectedly at a group function. He ended up staying after everyone else left, and we had a lot of fun together, and even made out. For the next two weeks, we saw each other 5-6 nights a week, and I felt this great camaraderie with him. I wasn't sure I wished to get any deeper than that, so I always left it at a little kissing but nothing more. Then I went away for vacation for two weeks, and was unable to see him. When I got back, we did hang out, and it was fun as usual. However, he told me that his feelings for me scare him. I tried to laugh it off and told him he would get over it. Since, I have not heard from him. I have not tried to contact him, as I don't want to scare him anymore and/or I don't want to chase after him if he is not interested, but I kinda liked the friendship thing we had going, and I would like it back. What is he thinking right now, and how do I convice him that we should keep in touch?
VictorM's advice:
I think you should just call him, as if nothing happened, and ask him to do something fun.
It's hard to tell why you haven't heard from him, but I'm going to suggest that when he said he had feelings for you and you replied that he'll get over them, his mind processed that answer as: "I have no feelings for you and you better get that straight." The result being that his ego was bruised and/or he feels embarrassed now.
If you call him, he may still want nothing to do with you, and I can understand why that would be: why invest more time and emotional attachment on a girl who only wants to be friends? By staying away from you he avoids getting closer to a girl who won't respond to his feelings in kind.
He asked if I have a boyfriend
Submitted on Wednesday, July 02, 2008
By Angie, 15:
Recently, I got a job for the summer, there is also this other boy older than me by a year (he's a rising senior and i'm a rising junior). After a week of work, we began talking more to each other and finally had lunch together yesterday. while we were eating lunch, i was only drinking a beverage and he offered some of his lunch to me, but i rejected. then after there is only one bite of his sandwich left, he offered that piece to me. we were having a discussion on random things, then suddenly, randomly, he asked if I have a boyfriend. i was shy so i quickly answered no and changed the topic. then minutes later, he asked if i ever had one. i told him i recieved hugs, then he said does whoever gave me hugs like me. i said no and said its normal to be hugged. But he shooked his head. While we are working, whenever something funny happens, he would look at me, then we would laugh together. He is a very cute guy, and i have feelings for him as well, but how does he feel? Does he like me back?
VictorM's advice:
I would say you caught his attention and he's scoping you out. He's doing the things that boys usually do: he's going to learn more about you before he makes a move on you, if he ever makes a move on you. But clearly, you're not getting by unnoticed.
Next time, take a bite of his sandwich -- that says a lot to him about you without you saying a word.
By Angie, 15:
Recently, I got a job for the summer, there is also this other boy older than me by a year (he's a rising senior and i'm a rising junior). After a week of work, we began talking more to each other and finally had lunch together yesterday. while we were eating lunch, i was only drinking a beverage and he offered some of his lunch to me, but i rejected. then after there is only one bite of his sandwich left, he offered that piece to me. we were having a discussion on random things, then suddenly, randomly, he asked if I have a boyfriend. i was shy so i quickly answered no and changed the topic. then minutes later, he asked if i ever had one. i told him i recieved hugs, then he said does whoever gave me hugs like me. i said no and said its normal to be hugged. But he shooked his head. While we are working, whenever something funny happens, he would look at me, then we would laugh together. He is a very cute guy, and i have feelings for him as well, but how does he feel? Does he like me back?
VictorM's advice:
I would say you caught his attention and he's scoping you out. He's doing the things that boys usually do: he's going to learn more about you before he makes a move on you, if he ever makes a move on you. But clearly, you're not getting by unnoticed.
Next time, take a bite of his sandwich -- that says a lot to him about you without you saying a word.
He admits that he still loves his ex
Submitted on Wednesday, July 02, 2008
By deedee, 22, from georgia:
By deedee, 22, from georgia:
My boyfriend of 6 months says that he loves me and wants to be with me. He admits that he still loves his ex and constantly talks about her, but he claims he doesn't want to be with her. If he says he wants to be with me and is over her... why do he consistently reminisce about her when he's with me?
VictorM's advice:
Getting over someone you love is not like turning off a light switch; it's a long process that goes through many phases. That he is honest with you about his feelings towards her is a very good thing. He talks to you about her because someone in his position needs to talk, to vent, to let things off his chest, and you're the one he trusts most to do it with.
I'm sure it's not a pleasant thing for you to hear, but there is a positive in this as far as you're concerned: you will know how he is progressing in his quest to get over her because but if and when he gets over her you'll know because he will mention her less and less; on the other hand, if he continues to talk about her for months, you may have a problem.
So let him talk; his words -- or lack of them -- about his ex will tell you more about his true feelings than if he addresses the topic directly.
VictorM's advice:
Getting over someone you love is not like turning off a light switch; it's a long process that goes through many phases. That he is honest with you about his feelings towards her is a very good thing. He talks to you about her because someone in his position needs to talk, to vent, to let things off his chest, and you're the one he trusts most to do it with.
I'm sure it's not a pleasant thing for you to hear, but there is a positive in this as far as you're concerned: you will know how he is progressing in his quest to get over her because but if and when he gets over her you'll know because he will mention her less and less; on the other hand, if he continues to talk about her for months, you may have a problem.
So let him talk; his words -- or lack of them -- about his ex will tell you more about his true feelings than if he addresses the topic directly.
He basically distanced himself from me
Submitted on Tuesday, July 01, 2008
By Katie, 16, from AB:
I've known this boy since grade seven, and during grade nine i started to like him. For high school we went to different schools, and i finally got over him. He had a girl friend, but after they broke up, we started talking again... and i started to like him because there was major flirting and one thing led to another...and well after we hooked up i asked him if he liked me..and he said that he does like me as more than a friend.. a week or so went by and we stopped talking. Well he never texted me back, so he basically distanced himself from me, but i don't understand why!? Do you think it was just another hook up to him, or do you think he actually meant it?
By Katie, 16, from AB:
I've known this boy since grade seven, and during grade nine i started to like him. For high school we went to different schools, and i finally got over him. He had a girl friend, but after they broke up, we started talking again... and i started to like him because there was major flirting and one thing led to another...and well after we hooked up i asked him if he liked me..and he said that he does like me as more than a friend.. a week or so went by and we stopped talking. Well he never texted me back, so he basically distanced himself from me, but i don't understand why!? Do you think it was just another hook up to him, or do you think he actually meant it?
Also he doesn't really trust people, he doesn't let people in cuz he's afraid of getting hurt. And he hooks up with a lot of girls. So i just want to know if i am just another one of those girls, and if there's some reason for his behavior.
VictorM's advice:
The reason for his behavior is he doesn't want to get closer to you.
It is entirely possible that he meant every word of what he said to you but he simply is not ready to risk getting serious, which is not at all uncommon with boys around your age. And avoiding you is one way -- his way, in this case -- of doing just that.
VictorM's advice:
The reason for his behavior is he doesn't want to get closer to you.
It is entirely possible that he meant every word of what he said to you but he simply is not ready to risk getting serious, which is not at all uncommon with boys around your age. And avoiding you is one way -- his way, in this case -- of doing just that.
Friday, July 04, 2008
My friend and I are attracted to each other
Submitted on Tuesday, July 01, 2008
By ashley, 19, from Colorado:
I'm really good friends with this guy who is engaged and I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of a little more than one and a half years. My friend and I are attracted to each other but we are in love with our partners. Is it ok to get advice from each other and help each other out when it comes to relationship problems? I wanted to surprise my boyfriend with a strip tease or something like that but I need help and my girlfriends our out of town over the summer, but is it ok if I just get my guyfriend to help me out? Or would that be considered cheating?
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask me, just ask yourself: what would your boyfriend think about it?
Are you planning to do anything with your friend that you aren't willing to tell your boyfriend about? Because I know that the actual sex act is what most people consider cheating, but what ruins relationships is lack of trust, even if sex is not involved.
By ashley, 19, from Colorado:
I'm really good friends with this guy who is engaged and I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of a little more than one and a half years. My friend and I are attracted to each other but we are in love with our partners. Is it ok to get advice from each other and help each other out when it comes to relationship problems? I wanted to surprise my boyfriend with a strip tease or something like that but I need help and my girlfriends our out of town over the summer, but is it ok if I just get my guyfriend to help me out? Or would that be considered cheating?
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask me, just ask yourself: what would your boyfriend think about it?
Are you planning to do anything with your friend that you aren't willing to tell your boyfriend about? Because I know that the actual sex act is what most people consider cheating, but what ruins relationships is lack of trust, even if sex is not involved.
I still have a guard up
Submitted on Tuesday, July 01, 2008
By Alana, 21:
So... as you already know, "T" and I have been talking every day for long hours on the phone since we met that night I yelled at "M"...... "T" and I have hung out once to the movies, and we spent the whole day at the beach together last weekend. (This wednesday, he's taking me to watch a movie and we're going to go out to dinner...)
By Alana, 21:
So... as you already know, "T" and I have been talking every day for long hours on the phone since we met that night I yelled at "M"...... "T" and I have hung out once to the movies, and we spent the whole day at the beach together last weekend. (This wednesday, he's taking me to watch a movie and we're going to go out to dinner...)
I'm really happy... but... it's really happening a little too fast??!?
He told me 2 days ago that he's never been this happy in his life...that I make him feel like a kid again...and that i'm the first person where he WANTS to let his guard down and not have it happen "Accidentally" like it did with others. He said that I am someone really special and hopes that KArma doesn't bite him in the ass because he doesn't want to lose me. And then he said that if anyone ever hurts me, he will want to hurt them.... he said he wouldn't want to hurt me ever, and that he really cares about me.
Yesterday he told me the same thing again...and said that he can see a "Future" with me.... he says that he wants to stay here and he can see himself saying "I love you" to me.... and then he went on and said he wants to BE there for me,....he said he will support me all the way with whatever i want to do in my life... then he went on and said that he has so much respect for me as a person...he respects me as a woman, and that sex doesn't even cross his mind with me......and then he said he wants to BE with me, and he hopes I feel the same way.
He asked me, "what are we?"
Oh MY GOD, I was put on the spot!!! I was fuckin overwhelmed with these statements.....So then I told him "umm..we are MORE than friends"
And all of this happened ever since I just kissed him on the lips (DRY, not WET. It was a simple peck on his lips) when I dropped him to the bus to go back to navy base when we went to the beach that day ....and then he told me he couldn't stop smiling on the way home.
He called me during his break today and said he was so happy to hear my voice because work is "bullshit".
Oh my God..... I feel that he's falling too fast!!! I mean, he's told me things that he hasn't told anyone else.... it's like he trusts me too easily..... WE've only known eachother since June 19!!!.... It's only July 1st.... that's only 13-14 days!!!
I really do like him....but I feel as though he wants to COMMIT more than I DO!!! And... i'm still cautious... I mean, he says I know everything about him.... he TRUSTS TOO EASILY! damn, i don't know!
I guess I still have a guard up.....and I don't want to rush into anything.... again, I really really do like him, but....his emotions are really intense..... that's why i just say i'm "reserved" instead of "Taken" because i don't wanna rush into a full-fledged-serious-relationship.
what do you think of this? HELP MEEE!!!!
VictorM's advice:
I think you have every reason to keep your guard up. I'm sure it's great for your ego when a guy falls that fast for you, but it's also very common for a big let down to happen after. This guy sounds way over the top right now. He better slow down or he's going to have a hernia. :)
Slow and easy won't hurt you, but for now, this guy sounds a lot better than the other lunatic.
He told me 2 days ago that he's never been this happy in his life...that I make him feel like a kid again...and that i'm the first person where he WANTS to let his guard down and not have it happen "Accidentally" like it did with others. He said that I am someone really special and hopes that KArma doesn't bite him in the ass because he doesn't want to lose me. And then he said that if anyone ever hurts me, he will want to hurt them.... he said he wouldn't want to hurt me ever, and that he really cares about me.
Yesterday he told me the same thing again...and said that he can see a "Future" with me.... he says that he wants to stay here and he can see himself saying "I love you" to me.... and then he went on and said he wants to BE there for me,....he said he will support me all the way with whatever i want to do in my life... then he went on and said that he has so much respect for me as a person...he respects me as a woman, and that sex doesn't even cross his mind with me......and then he said he wants to BE with me, and he hopes I feel the same way.
He asked me, "what are we?"
Oh MY GOD, I was put on the spot!!! I was fuckin overwhelmed with these statements.....So then I told him "umm..we are MORE than friends"
And all of this happened ever since I just kissed him on the lips (DRY, not WET. It was a simple peck on his lips) when I dropped him to the bus to go back to navy base when we went to the beach that day ....and then he told me he couldn't stop smiling on the way home.
He called me during his break today and said he was so happy to hear my voice because work is "bullshit".
Oh my God..... I feel that he's falling too fast!!! I mean, he's told me things that he hasn't told anyone else.... it's like he trusts me too easily..... WE've only known eachother since June 19!!!.... It's only July 1st.... that's only 13-14 days!!!
I really do like him....but I feel as though he wants to COMMIT more than I DO!!! And... i'm still cautious... I mean, he says I know everything about him.... he TRUSTS TOO EASILY! damn, i don't know!
I guess I still have a guard up.....and I don't want to rush into anything.... again, I really really do like him, but....his emotions are really intense..... that's why i just say i'm "reserved" instead of "Taken" because i don't wanna rush into a full-fledged-serious-relations
what do you think of this? HELP MEEE!!!!
VictorM's advice:
I think you have every reason to keep your guard up. I'm sure it's great for your ego when a guy falls that fast for you, but it's also very common for a big let down to happen after. This guy sounds way over the top right now. He better slow down or he's going to have a hernia. :)
Slow and easy won't hurt you, but for now, this guy sounds a lot better than the other lunatic.
My boyfriend says he knows I'm going to leave him
Submitted on Monday, June 30, 2008
By angie, 39, from charleston:
What does it mean when a guy says that he knows you're going to leave him? Every day my boyfriend says he knows I'm going to leave him, but I'm not. Does he really want me to leave or is he insecure?
VictorM's advice:
It's insecurity, alright, but it's probably also true, even if you don't know it yet. I mean, how long can you tolerate being around such a man?
By angie, 39, from charleston:
What does it mean when a guy says that he knows you're going to leave him? Every day my boyfriend says he knows I'm going to leave him, but I'm not. Does he really want me to leave or is he insecure?
VictorM's advice:
It's insecurity, alright, but it's probably also true, even if you don't know it yet. I mean, how long can you tolerate being around such a man?
Should I trust him with my heart?
Submitted on Monday, June 30, 2008
By Katie, 17:
Ok, so I've been friends with this guy for almost 3 years, and best friends for most of that time. Throughout the time I've known him I've had feelings for him that have grown more and more even though I didn't want them to because I worried about our friendship and he was happy in a long relationship with another girl. But a year ago they had a series of break ups and getting back together and he was shattered by it and everytime he seemed to start healing she'd come back and screw him over again. He and I somehow became even closer through all this because I was the one he'd call when things got bad. Then he and I suddenly got really weird around each other for a few months and fought a lot until a couple of months ago when we sat down and talked it out and things went back to normal. Except that we kinda fooled around a little, but not much and we quit and he admitted that he wanted me and wanted to ask me out before but there were things I still didn't know that he was afraid that if I found out while we were dating that I'd get really hurt. I already know almost everything he's done so I don't know why he'd worry that I'd freak out... but then we started messing around again little by little and now I'm wondering what is going on with us. He always does things that make me happy, not really for his benefit, and makes me so incredibly happy and I want him to be so happy and not hurt like I know he did and does. But every time I go home from this I feel alone and empty cause I don't know if he really does care about me or if I'm just some distraction and if he does care about me why doesn't he date me? I've never felt the way I do about about him in my life and it gets bigger with every day. He's been there and helped me overcome so many things and I trust him with my life. But should I trust him with my heart? I'm just confused about our relationship, what I should do, and how I feel.
VictorM's advice:
I believe that messing around with a guy HOPING to keep him interested in you, more often than not, backfires. If you mess around with a guy without being in a relationship, he's most likely to want to keep it that way. Also, and I know this is a double standard, but guys tend to lose respect for a girl who is willing to do that.
Can you trust him with your heart? I always think that question is poorly phrased. The question should be: can you trust yourself to give him your heart? And the truth you're having a hard time dealing with is that you know you can't, at least not yet, hence the feeling of being alone and empty. Come on, Katie, you know there's something missing. Just because he's willing to mess around with you doesn't mean he's in love with you. And I think you know that.
Don't "bribe" him into wanting you by messing around with him; make him earn it only if and when you no longer feel alone and empty after being with him.
By Katie, 17:
Ok, so I've been friends with this guy for almost 3 years, and best friends for most of that time. Throughout the time I've known him I've had feelings for him that have grown more and more even though I didn't want them to because I worried about our friendship and he was happy in a long relationship with another girl. But a year ago they had a series of break ups and getting back together and he was shattered by it and everytime he seemed to start healing she'd come back and screw him over again. He and I somehow became even closer through all this because I was the one he'd call when things got bad. Then he and I suddenly got really weird around each other for a few months and fought a lot until a couple of months ago when we sat down and talked it out and things went back to normal. Except that we kinda fooled around a little, but not much and we quit and he admitted that he wanted me and wanted to ask me out before but there were things I still didn't know that he was afraid that if I found out while we were dating that I'd get really hurt. I already know almost everything he's done so I don't know why he'd worry that I'd freak out... but then we started messing around again little by little and now I'm wondering what is going on with us. He always does things that make me happy, not really for his benefit, and makes me so incredibly happy and I want him to be so happy and not hurt like I know he did and does. But every time I go home from this I feel alone and empty cause I don't know if he really does care about me or if I'm just some distraction and if he does care about me why doesn't he date me? I've never felt the way I do about about him in my life and it gets bigger with every day. He's been there and helped me overcome so many things and I trust him with my life. But should I trust him with my heart? I'm just confused about our relationship, what I should do, and how I feel.
VictorM's advice:
I believe that messing around with a guy HOPING to keep him interested in you, more often than not, backfires. If you mess around with a guy without being in a relationship, he's most likely to want to keep it that way. Also, and I know this is a double standard, but guys tend to lose respect for a girl who is willing to do that.
Can you trust him with your heart? I always think that question is poorly phrased. The question should be: can you trust yourself to give him your heart? And the truth you're having a hard time dealing with is that you know you can't, at least not yet, hence the feeling of being alone and empty. Come on, Katie, you know there's something missing. Just because he's willing to mess around with you doesn't mean he's in love with you. And I think you know that.
Don't "bribe" him into wanting you by messing around with him; make him earn it only if and when you no longer feel alone and empty after being with him.
How do you tell your best friend you are in love with him?
Submitted on Monday, June 30, 2008
By Karen, 35, from Hong Kong:
How do you tell your best friend you are in love with him when you think he is in love with another girl but not going out with her yet? What happens to the friendship if he doesn't feel the same way?
VictorM's advice:
If he starts going out with that girl, assuming you're right about his interest in her, than your friendship will be greatly affected. He will spend a lot more time with her than with you, and there's a good chance that she won't like him having a close female friend who is in love with him (I don't know how girls know that, but if she ever meets you, she'll know you like him).
So, what have you got to lose but to tell him how you feel? Well, if he doesn't feel the same way, you could lose the friendship. But I believe that friendships where one party is in love with the other aren't sustainable anyway. If you really like a guy and you let it go years without taking a risk, you will only regret not having done something about it.
I say nothing ventured, nothing gained -- tell him how you feel.
By Karen, 35, from Hong Kong:
How do you tell your best friend you are in love with him when you think he is in love with another girl but not going out with her yet? What happens to the friendship if he doesn't feel the same way?
VictorM's advice:
If he starts going out with that girl, assuming you're right about his interest in her, than your friendship will be greatly affected. He will spend a lot more time with her than with you, and there's a good chance that she won't like him having a close female friend who is in love with him (I don't know how girls know that, but if she ever meets you, she'll know you like him).
So, what have you got to lose but to tell him how you feel? Well, if he doesn't feel the same way, you could lose the friendship. But I believe that friendships where one party is in love with the other aren't sustainable anyway. If you really like a guy and you let it go years without taking a risk, you will only regret not having done something about it.
I say nothing ventured, nothing gained -- tell him how you feel.
I would like to know why men are so stubborn
Submitted on Sunday, June 29, 2008
By Janine, 24, from New Zealand:
Hi. I would like to know why men are so stubborn. Had a fight with the boyfriend and hurtful names were thrown around but now he is treating me as if I have done something majorly wrong. Does he need time to cool off? Have I just bruised his ego a bit? I don't want to lose him because we had a fight that many couples have!!
VictorM's advice:
Guys do need time off to sulk and be pissed. They usually come back good as new after a while. In fact, my guess is that by now you two love birds have had wonderful make-up sex. And if hasn't returned, well, it doesn't mean he's stubborn, it just means he's had enough of your crap.
You have to stop measuring your relationship by what other couples do and pay attention to your guy. He may be more sensitive to name calling than others. And if so, you need to consider that.
I don't think his reaction is based on being stubborn; he's just making sure you respect him. And if you don't want to lose him, you need to stop with the name calling and with the assumption that fighting is OK because "other couples do it too".
By Janine, 24, from New Zealand:
Hi. I would like to know why men are so stubborn. Had a fight with the boyfriend and hurtful names were thrown around but now he is treating me as if I have done something majorly wrong. Does he need time to cool off? Have I just bruised his ego a bit? I don't want to lose him because we had a fight that many couples have!!
VictorM's advice:
Guys do need time off to sulk and be pissed. They usually come back good as new after a while. In fact, my guess is that by now you two love birds have had wonderful make-up sex. And if hasn't returned, well, it doesn't mean he's stubborn, it just means he's had enough of your crap.
You have to stop measuring your relationship by what other couples do and pay attention to your guy. He may be more sensitive to name calling than others. And if so, you need to consider that.
I don't think his reaction is based on being stubborn; he's just making sure you respect him. And if you don't want to lose him, you need to stop with the name calling and with the assumption that fighting is OK because "other couples do it too".
He texted me from the wedding that he was bored
Submitted on Saturday, June 28, 2008
By Hannah, 26:
Hello Victor, it's Hannah again. (hannahbanana from the relationship discussion forum...about the same guy friend of mine, Dave...) I am wondering if it is a big deal for a guy to ask a girl to accompany him to a wedding. Last night Dave was at a wedding. He texted me from the wedding that he was bored. We texted back and forth a bit. A little later he texted the following:
By Hannah, 26:
Hello Victor, it's Hannah again. (hannahbanana from the relationship discussion forum...about the same guy friend of mine, Dave...) I am wondering if it is a big deal for a guy to ask a girl to accompany him to a wedding. Last night Dave was at a wedding. He texted me from the wedding that he was bored. We texted back and forth a bit. A little later he texted the following:
"I'm being forced to dance and I hate it. Do you wanna come with me to the next one...My friend Kate's in September? I don't like being forced to dance with these random girls. WTF!"
Is that a sign that he likes me as more than a friend? I took it as a good sign for 2 reasons. 1. He is the center of all these other girls attention, and his reaction is to message ME in the midst of it all....and 2. This upcoming wedding that I would be going to with him to is an important one. I would be meeting a lot of his family, some of his very best friends whom the only reason we have never met before is because they are out of state....Even more so his ex-girlfriend of 3 years (that relationship ended 2 years ago) would be there. Which could be strange, but they're done, so who cares? It's not like I'd really have to chat with her....He doesn't anymore. But it feels like it's a big step to be included in an event with so many important people. It also seems kind of major that he would consider me....We are best friends though, (Dave and I) so it could perhaps be that I am a comforting person for him. I am certainly his closest female friend, but I think I am his best friend in general as well. I think that by taking me, he realizes everyone there (his family, friends, ex-girlfriend)...will see me as a date. He must know that. I think we are more than friends although we have not kissed...I think we both have feelings beyond friends for each other, but are kind of stuck. If I went, I believe we would be sharing a hotel room overnight... hey, this could be a lot of fun, now that I think of it! Haha...do you think most guys would ask a girl to a wedding with them if they only perceived her as friend material? We go out ALL THE TIME, usually one on one, but this feels very "date"- like and formal, what with the type of event it is and considering some of who would be there, etc.
In addition to asking me to the wedding and to being SUUUUUPER attentative lately....he sent me a text last night saying "Hey you...I'm sitting here talking to my friend Mark about you right now. ;-)" Then in an IM conversation last night .... we were flirting and being silly and he said "I love it...I think you're so much wilder and more outgoing than most girls when you want to be..." I just did an "LOL", and he goes "No really...it's a good thing." Then today he sent me an email saying he wanted to see me and could we get together this week. We have plans for thursday night.
VictorM's advice:
Sorry Hannah, but while he may very well have feelings for you -- and based on the information from the forum, I think he might -- the two examples you mention aren't necessarily indications that he does.
He called you from the wedding, not because he missed you, not because he would wishes he was with you, but because he was bored and because he was forced to do something he didn't want to be doing. He also invited you to the next wedding where lots of family, friends, and his ex will be at, and it's safe to assume he did so because basically he doesn't want to show up alone. In both cases, he resorted to his best friend, the one person he can count on for company and hassle free time.
Again, I want to be clear, I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, I'm just saying the two examples don't have to be interpreted to mean that he does.
So... how did it go last night? (Yeah, I'm nosy) :)
Is that a sign that he likes me as more than a friend? I took it as a good sign for 2 reasons. 1. He is the center of all these other girls attention, and his reaction is to message ME in the midst of it all....and 2. This upcoming wedding that I would be going to with him to is an important one. I would be meeting a lot of his family, some of his very best friends whom the only reason we have never met before is because they are out of state....Even more so his ex-girlfriend of 3 years (that relationship ended 2 years ago) would be there. Which could be strange, but they're done, so who cares? It's not like I'd really have to chat with her....He doesn't anymore. But it feels like it's a big step to be included in an event with so many important people. It also seems kind of major that he would consider me....We are best friends though, (Dave and I) so it could perhaps be that I am a comforting person for him. I am certainly his closest female friend, but I think I am his best friend in general as well. I think that by taking me, he realizes everyone there (his family, friends, ex-girlfriend)...will see me as a date. He must know that. I think we are more than friends although we have not kissed...I think we both have feelings beyond friends for each other, but are kind of stuck. If I went, I believe we would be sharing a hotel room overnight... hey, this could be a lot of fun, now that I think of it! Haha...do you think most guys would ask a girl to a wedding with them if they only perceived her as friend material? We go out ALL THE TIME, usually one on one, but this feels very "date"- like and formal, what with the type of event it is and considering some of who would be there, etc.
In addition to asking me to the wedding and to being SUUUUUPER attentative lately....he sent me a text last night saying "Hey you...I'm sitting here talking to my friend Mark about you right now. ;-)" Then in an IM conversation last night .... we were flirting and being silly and he said "I love it...I think you're so much wilder and more outgoing than most girls when you want to be..." I just did an "LOL", and he goes "No really...it's a good thing." Then today he sent me an email saying he wanted to see me and could we get together this week. We have plans for thursday night.
VictorM's advice:
Sorry Hannah, but while he may very well have feelings for you -- and based on the information from the forum, I think he might -- the two examples you mention aren't necessarily indications that he does.
He called you from the wedding, not because he missed you, not because he would wishes he was with you, but because he was bored and because he was forced to do something he didn't want to be doing. He also invited you to the next wedding where lots of family, friends, and his ex will be at, and it's safe to assume he did so because basically he doesn't want to show up alone. In both cases, he resorted to his best friend, the one person he can count on for company and hassle free time.
Again, I want to be clear, I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, I'm just saying the two examples don't have to be interpreted to mean that he does.
So... how did it go last night? (Yeah, I'm nosy) :)
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Message for Nita
For the sake of continuity, I posted your follow-up question and my answer in the visitor comments of your previous question. Click here.
Is he just being friendly?
Submitted on Saturday, June 28, 2008
By Beth, 35, from Ireland
Hi Victor :)
While it seems that most people wondering if their love interest likes them back, are looking to be reassured that they do, I guess I am hoping to hear that he is just being friendly; So, no counting on well-meaning friends here. And since you give pretty darn good no-nonsense advice, I thought I'd bore you with the story. :)
So here it goes. I am 35, though I look a little younger. I am rather introverted, but I have no problem with social situations, and I make friends easily when I choose to. Although I am average-looking at best, and my dating experience would not get me a job at Burger King, I keep my self-esteem issues well out of public sight. All in all, I would describe myself as a pleasant person to be around.
This year I am working with a guy about ten years younger than myself, tall, good-looking, confident (not to call him downright bossy), and in general the sort of guy who could walk into a bar and take his pick. Since my first reaction on meeting him was to attach him the label of "charming guy who can get anything on his looks and probably knows it", I was always very careful to keep my distance, and be friendly without turning into a drooling teenager. However, for reasons of age I am further ahead in my career than he is, he appreciates my expertise, and has been asking my advice more and more often. In fact, I seem to be falling into the role of a mentor (even worse than "just a friend", if you ask me).
Well, the fact is that, while I have been about as friendly to him as to anyone else (that I know of), once we started working together he closed the distance very quickly, asking rather personal questions and making teasing comments, and even taking it out on me one day he was stressed. In a group, he would focus so much attention on me that I had to remind him to include other people in the conversation. Whenever I have a particular expression on my face, he happens to be looking and wants to know what it's all about. He has done conventional flirting stuff, remembering little things I have said, asking straight away about the gender of a "friend" I mentioned was visiting me, and reaching out to touch my arm more than once. One time he caught both my arms to move me out of his way and pass through. I have also seen him blush a few times; the first time, I was blushing myself for no reason (well, other than he was sitting close by; I would be lying if I said that I always look impervious), but recently when he chose a spot right next to me to gather his things and get ready to leave. Then again, since I only see him at work, I cannot be sure about what he is like with other people, or if he was blushing because he was warm. He may also just be a touchy-feely guy in general; I have seen him pat another guy's back. But, although I am not chasing him, I am not playing hard to get either, and so far we seem to enjoy each other's company and looks like we are getting close.
So, question: what are the chances that a good-looking and confident guy will go for someone so much older than himself (though he doesn't know exact numbers), and in a completely different dating league? Is it possible that he might do all these things and not mean anything other than friendship? Because it would make my life boring, but a lot easier. He is kind of a junior co-worker, and it could be huge trouble.
Thanks a lot :)
VictorM's advice:
The chances that a good looking guy would be very much into you are very high. First of all, it's not known whether he seems himself in the same light that you see him, and clearly doesn't sound like he sees you in the same light that you see yourself. For younger guys, "older" women are quite a turn on, and if you exhibit a wealth of experience art work that he would like to tap onto, that in itself can be quite a turn on (and I'm not considering any cynical interest in his part, which is possible, I'm focusing only on the attraction level) and yes, I believe a man such as him could totally be attracted to you.
He could do all that he is doing to get your trust and interest, to learn from you, and simply to pass the day in a fun way. He does not have to be interested in you to do what you described.
Unless he becomes more obvious, you're safer to assume he's only interested in getting on your good side and passing the day in the company of a woman he finds appealing. Assuming anything further enhances your chances of being wrong.
By Beth, 35, from Ireland
Hi Victor :)
While it seems that most people wondering if their love interest likes them back, are looking to be reassured that they do, I guess I am hoping to hear that he is just being friendly; So, no counting on well-meaning friends here. And since you give pretty darn good no-nonsense advice, I thought I'd bore you with the story. :)
So here it goes. I am 35, though I look a little younger. I am rather introverted, but I have no problem with social situations, and I make friends easily when I choose to. Although I am average-looking at best, and my dating experience would not get me a job at Burger King, I keep my self-esteem issues well out of public sight. All in all, I would describe myself as a pleasant person to be around.
This year I am working with a guy about ten years younger than myself, tall, good-looking, confident (not to call him downright bossy), and in general the sort of guy who could walk into a bar and take his pick. Since my first reaction on meeting him was to attach him the label of "charming guy who can get anything on his looks and probably knows it", I was always very careful to keep my distance, and be friendly without turning into a drooling teenager. However, for reasons of age I am further ahead in my career than he is, he appreciates my expertise, and has been asking my advice more and more often. In fact, I seem to be falling into the role of a mentor (even worse than "just a friend", if you ask me).
Well, the fact is that, while I have been about as friendly to him as to anyone else (that I know of), once we started working together he closed the distance very quickly, asking rather personal questions and making teasing comments, and even taking it out on me one day he was stressed. In a group, he would focus so much attention on me that I had to remind him to include other people in the conversation. Whenever I have a particular expression on my face, he happens to be looking and wants to know what it's all about. He has done conventional flirting stuff, remembering little things I have said, asking straight away about the gender of a "friend" I mentioned was visiting me, and reaching out to touch my arm more than once. One time he caught both my arms to move me out of his way and pass through. I have also seen him blush a few times; the first time, I was blushing myself for no reason (well, other than he was sitting close by; I would be lying if I said that I always look impervious), but recently when he chose a spot right next to me to gather his things and get ready to leave. Then again, since I only see him at work, I cannot be sure about what he is like with other people, or if he was blushing because he was warm. He may also just be a touchy-feely guy in general; I have seen him pat another guy's back. But, although I am not chasing him, I am not playing hard to get either, and so far we seem to enjoy each other's company and looks like we are getting close.
So, question: what are the chances that a good-looking and confident guy will go for someone so much older than himself (though he doesn't know exact numbers), and in a completely different dating league? Is it possible that he might do all these things and not mean anything other than friendship? Because it would make my life boring, but a lot easier. He is kind of a junior co-worker, and it could be huge trouble.
Thanks a lot :)
VictorM's advice:
The chances that a good looking guy would be very much into you are very high. First of all, it's not known whether he seems himself in the same light that you see him, and clearly doesn't sound like he sees you in the same light that you see yourself. For younger guys, "older" women are quite a turn on, and if you exhibit a wealth of experience art work that he would like to tap onto, that in itself can be quite a turn on (and I'm not considering any cynical interest in his part, which is possible, I'm focusing only on the attraction level) and yes, I believe a man such as him could totally be attracted to you.
He could do all that he is doing to get your trust and interest, to learn from you, and simply to pass the day in a fun way. He does not have to be interested in you to do what you described.
Unless he becomes more obvious, you're safer to assume he's only interested in getting on your good side and passing the day in the company of a woman he finds appealing. Assuming anything further enhances your chances of being wrong.
He says he is not emotionally involved with me
Submitted on Friday, June 27, 2008
By Cheryl, 47, from Lake Havasu:
OK. I have been involved with a man for almost three years now. We are great friends, lovers, and spend A LOT of time together. There is nothing that is taboo in the relationship. My problem, and he was honest, is that he treats this as not a relationship. He says he is not emotionally involved with me. But if I call, he runs and visa versa. I truly love this man and would spend the rest of my life with him. I just cannot get him to commit to anything. When he is on, he treats me like gold, but with a viper's bite when he is not. Is it time to move on?
VictorM's advice:
You could go on this way, hoping that he'll never find the one woman that will light a fire in him, which I suppose, is what he's still looking for. You are comfortable, pleasant, and fun, but you don't fill him with passion.
Is there a chance that he could still get emotionally involved with you? I suppose the chance is there, but after three years, I wouldn't count on it.
Should you move on? That's a very hard call, one that only you can make.
By Cheryl, 47, from Lake Havasu:
OK. I have been involved with a man for almost three years now. We are great friends, lovers, and spend A LOT of time together. There is nothing that is taboo in the relationship. My problem, and he was honest, is that he treats this as not a relationship. He says he is not emotionally involved with me. But if I call, he runs and visa versa. I truly love this man and would spend the rest of my life with him. I just cannot get him to commit to anything. When he is on, he treats me like gold, but with a viper's bite when he is not. Is it time to move on?
VictorM's advice:
You could go on this way, hoping that he'll never find the one woman that will light a fire in him, which I suppose, is what he's still looking for. You are comfortable, pleasant, and fun, but you don't fill him with passion.
Is there a chance that he could still get emotionally involved with you? I suppose the chance is there, but after three years, I wouldn't count on it.
Should you move on? That's a very hard call, one that only you can make.
Long emails with random thoughts
Submitted on Friday, June 27, 2008
By lynda, 17, from texas:
I'm back with more...
I recently left for a 4 week trip while my guy friend is home for a few weeks. The good news is that we have found a new way of communicating for us (besides talking!)...emails. We've been regular text buddies til now, but this email thing has been awesome. We're having fun sharing long emails with random thoughts & the things we do every day. He also said that he wants to take me to this chess playing place when i get back & teach me how to improve my game. Lame, I know! But I'm excited. ;o)
Sometimes i wonder if I'm a little too eager to share my news/thoughts with him. But then again, he's like my best friend (whom i also happen to be attracted to) & i want to share things with him. He says that we share/talk pretty equally...but I just wonder if I should back off a little or would that confuse him? You said that he may be interested in me as more than a friend or he wouldn't give this much time/energy to "just a friend," but is it possible to make it too easy for him? Do the rules change when we've labeled ourselves as "friends"?
And also, can guys and girls just be friends, really? Like, can 2 people of the opposite sex really be best friends? Isn't there always some sort of something there for either one or both of them? Still trying to understand this "guy thing".... Thanks -
VictorM's advice:
Still finding it hard to believe this guy might like you, huh? :)
Of course guys can be friends with girls, even with girls they find attractive, but they'll always fantasize about having sex with them, and will try it, if given an opportunity.
Sharing everything with a guy, particularly one you like, is a mistake. There is such thing as too much information. Keep some mystery going and keep some stuff to your yourself, particularly if other boys are involved. If you want to share everything, find a female friend.
What you label yourselves doesn't matter; nature is much more powerful than whatever pacts you make.
By lynda, 17, from texas:
I'm back with more...
I recently left for a 4 week trip while my guy friend is home for a few weeks. The good news is that we have found a new way of communicating for us (besides talking!)...emails. We've been regular text buddies til now, but this email thing has been awesome. We're having fun sharing long emails with random thoughts & the things we do every day. He also said that he wants to take me to this chess playing place when i get back & teach me how to improve my game. Lame, I know! But I'm excited. ;o)
Sometimes i wonder if I'm a little too eager to share my news/thoughts with him. But then again, he's like my best friend (whom i also happen to be attracted to) & i want to share things with him. He says that we share/talk pretty equally...but I just wonder if I should back off a little or would that confuse him? You said that he may be interested in me as more than a friend or he wouldn't give this much time/energy to "just a friend," but is it possible to make it too easy for him? Do the rules change when we've labeled ourselves as "friends"?
And also, can guys and girls just be friends, really? Like, can 2 people of the opposite sex really be best friends? Isn't there always some sort of something there for either one or both of them? Still trying to understand this "guy thing".... Thanks -
VictorM's advice:
Still finding it hard to believe this guy might like you, huh? :)
Of course guys can be friends with girls, even with girls they find attractive, but they'll always fantasize about having sex with them, and will try it, if given an opportunity.
Sharing everything with a guy, particularly one you like, is a mistake. There is such thing as too much information. Keep some mystery going and keep some stuff to your yourself, particularly if other boys are involved. If you want to share everything, find a female friend.
What you label yourselves doesn't matter; nature is much more powerful than whatever pacts you make.
My boyfriend is extremely emotional
Submitted on Friday, June 27, 2008
By Olivia, 17, from Canada:
Hey I was just wondering,
My boyfriend (who was my best friend) is extremely emotional. I just don't get it, can't he just chill? Sometimes I wonder who's the one with crazier hormones. Once i cancelled a hang out to take my little cousins to see a movie and he freaked, saying how his ENTIRE weekend was ruined and how much he was looking forward to it and how he'd NEVER ditch his girlfriend like i ditched him. But the way I see it, it wasn't even a date, just a hang out, and my little cousins were really looking at me to being their 'big cousin.' It's not like I was avoiding him, and we see each other all the time. I love him dearly, but he always makes it seem like he's grievously wounded. How do I tell him to tone down the drama without hurting his manly ego or making him even more mad?
Thanks,
Olivia
VictorM's advice:
Girls aren't the only ones who go through major changes; boys do too. But that may not be the reason for your boyfriend's behavior. Some people are just more high strung than others. Without professional help, it's as difficult to change as it would be to ask a shy person to be the life of the party or to ask someone who can't tell a joke to be funny.
What you may need to do is get past his words and try to understand what's motivating him. In the example you gave, it has nothing to do with your behavior -- your actions seem to have been normal and fair -- but you have to look purely at his expectations, not his words (which often, when a guy is angry, are used just to hurt, not to explain his feelings). Maybe he's jealous of your time with your cousins. People often complain about one thing when they really have something else in mind, they just can't verbalize it. Learning not to react to accusations and getting the conversation to be about communicating is very difficult, but it's something you may need to develop.
But this is what dating is all about: finding out attributes about the other person and whether you can live with them or not. Expecting him to change for your sake may be asking too much. The question is, can you live with his behavior and learn to diffuse his drama queen moments before it turns into a fight? It won't be easy.
By Olivia, 17, from Canada:
Hey I was just wondering,
My boyfriend (who was my best friend) is extremely emotional. I just don't get it, can't he just chill? Sometimes I wonder who's the one with crazier hormones. Once i cancelled a hang out to take my little cousins to see a movie and he freaked, saying how his ENTIRE weekend was ruined and how much he was looking forward to it and how he'd NEVER ditch his girlfriend like i ditched him. But the way I see it, it wasn't even a date, just a hang out, and my little cousins were really looking at me to being their 'big cousin.' It's not like I was avoiding him, and we see each other all the time. I love him dearly, but he always makes it seem like he's grievously wounded. How do I tell him to tone down the drama without hurting his manly ego or making him even more mad?
Thanks,
Olivia
VictorM's advice:
Girls aren't the only ones who go through major changes; boys do too. But that may not be the reason for your boyfriend's behavior. Some people are just more high strung than others. Without professional help, it's as difficult to change as it would be to ask a shy person to be the life of the party or to ask someone who can't tell a joke to be funny.
What you may need to do is get past his words and try to understand what's motivating him. In the example you gave, it has nothing to do with your behavior -- your actions seem to have been normal and fair -- but you have to look purely at his expectations, not his words (which often, when a guy is angry, are used just to hurt, not to explain his feelings). Maybe he's jealous of your time with your cousins. People often complain about one thing when they really have something else in mind, they just can't verbalize it. Learning not to react to accusations and getting the conversation to be about communicating is very difficult, but it's something you may need to develop.
But this is what dating is all about: finding out attributes about the other person and whether you can live with them or not. Expecting him to change for your sake may be asking too much. The question is, can you live with his behavior and learn to diffuse his drama queen moments before it turns into a fight? It won't be easy.
Message for Lilly
For the sake of continuity, I posted your follow-up question and my answer in the visitor comments of your previous question. Click here.
Beg, beg, and beg
Submitted on Thursday, June 26, 2008
By Jenevicia, 22, from Sacramento, CA:
I was with my ex for 4 years. He had cheated on me twice with the same girl. Now, I took him back after 1 month. About six months later, I hit a stage where I wanted to go out and club. I was feeling bars, clubs, etc. I broke up with him and starded talking to this one guy off the computer. He was a real nice guy. Well I finaly broke up with my boyfriend and started to date this new guy. My old boyfriend beg, beg and beg. Finally, ex boyfriend gave up and found someone. I wouldn't say special cause he cheats on her all the time. Well, I broke up with dude cause all I thought about was my ex. I beged my ex back over and over again. I changed my ways, I wanted to be with him. He was the one. Tables had turn, now he was going to clubs and bars and cheating on his girl. 2 years pass by and we stand in the same page. I would like to work things out but he don't change and he ain't giving up any signs of stoping.
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to get back with you? How lucky you are, even if you don't realize it. I hope, for your sake, it stays that way.
By Jenevicia, 22, from Sacramento, CA:
I was with my ex for 4 years. He had cheated on me twice with the same girl. Now, I took him back after 1 month. About six months later, I hit a stage where I wanted to go out and club. I was feeling bars, clubs, etc. I broke up with him and starded talking to this one guy off the computer. He was a real nice guy. Well I finaly broke up with my boyfriend and started to date this new guy. My old boyfriend beg, beg and beg. Finally, ex boyfriend gave up and found someone. I wouldn't say special cause he cheats on her all the time. Well, I broke up with dude cause all I thought about was my ex. I beged my ex back over and over again. I changed my ways, I wanted to be with him. He was the one. Tables had turn, now he was going to clubs and bars and cheating on his girl. 2 years pass by and we stand in the same page. I would like to work things out but he don't change and he ain't giving up any signs of stoping.
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to get back with you? How lucky you are, even if you don't realize it. I hope, for your sake, it stays that way.
I've known this guy for two years (over the internet.)
Submitted on Thursday, June 26, 2008
By Carmen, 16, from Canada:
So.. basically I've known this guy for two years (over the internet.) We've met about two times, and he was really nice and caring and he also bought me several things and treated me to dinner as well. I talked to him over the phone/ msn on a daily/ at least 3-5 times a week on a regular basis. He would often text me randomly just to say "Hi" or "What's up?" and I took no interest in him. Until several months ago, I talked to him about this guy I really liked and he gave me negative reactions to it saying that I'm too good for him and such. One night I called him.. and we were talking about him and he was really worried.. because I began to cry and he tried to cheer me in every way possible. I was touched by the way he cheered me up .. and I started to develop feelings for him. We continued on just our casual conversations.. and he stopped calling me as often. He even stopped bothering to message me on MSN first anymore (he usually did.) But, we still kept it going and talking about how our lives went . One day, I couldn't take it anymore and I confessed to him.. about how I liked him, and that it was alright if he didn't. The next day, he told me about how it didn't work out well with his ex and that this relationship may not work out well either due to our distance (30min drive, which was not far.) I told him he was selfish and then he asked for another chance, and I gave him just that. He told me that he had liked me for a long time and that he couldn't find the right time to confess, he wanted to do it in person. But all in all, he told me he was very interested in me and wanted to ask me out on a date. I asked him out on a date.. and he said he would go but a few days ago, he told me he was caught in self-conflict. He couldn't decide which to do : Keep the promise he made to me? or, back off because he felt that it wouldn't work. I told him to forget it.. and he said he would call later at night in which he did. He called and asked me what was wrong.. I told him nothing was wrong and I hung up. I called moments later.. crying and then he asked me why I was crying. I hung up once again and threw the phone on the ground. He then texted me saying that After tonight, please forget that I ever existed and sorry and goodbye forever.. I had no idea what that meant. I thought it was just a joke and I texted him a few times after that regarding as to whether or not he's still interested in going on the date or not. I called several times as well and no response and he wasn't on MSN either. I bawled my eyes out for the past 2 days and I would do anything just to talk to him and ask him why he chose to make that decision.
VictorM's advice:
Why did he choose to make that decision? You called him selfish, you hung up on the guy, and you call him crying. Why should he put up with that? People usually seek the company of others to enhance their lives, not to insulted or dragged down. Anyway, sounds like this guy had enough of your tantrums and has, wisely, decided to move on.
By the way, your use of "confess" to divulge feelings for someone makes it sound like falling for someone is a crime.
By Carmen, 16, from Canada:
So.. basically I've known this guy for two years (over the internet.) We've met about two times, and he was really nice and caring and he also bought me several things and treated me to dinner as well. I talked to him over the phone/ msn on a daily/ at least 3-5 times a week on a regular basis. He would often text me randomly just to say "Hi" or "What's up?" and I took no interest in him. Until several months ago, I talked to him about this guy I really liked and he gave me negative reactions to it saying that I'm too good for him and such. One night I called him.. and we were talking about him and he was really worried.. because I began to cry and he tried to cheer me in every way possible. I was touched by the way he cheered me up .. and I started to develop feelings for him. We continued on just our casual conversations.. and he stopped calling me as often. He even stopped bothering to message me on MSN first anymore (he usually did.) But, we still kept it going and talking about how our lives went . One day, I couldn't take it anymore and I confessed to him.. about how I liked him, and that it was alright if he didn't. The next day, he told me about how it didn't work out well with his ex and that this relationship may not work out well either due to our distance (30min drive, which was not far.) I told him he was selfish and then he asked for another chance, and I gave him just that. He told me that he had liked me for a long time and that he couldn't find the right time to confess, he wanted to do it in person. But all in all, he told me he was very interested in me and wanted to ask me out on a date. I asked him out on a date.. and he said he would go but a few days ago, he told me he was caught in self-conflict. He couldn't decide which to do : Keep the promise he made to me? or, back off because he felt that it wouldn't work. I told him to forget it.. and he said he would call later at night in which he did. He called and asked me what was wrong.. I told him nothing was wrong and I hung up. I called moments later.. crying and then he asked me why I was crying. I hung up once again and threw the phone on the ground. He then texted me saying that After tonight, please forget that I ever existed and sorry and goodbye forever.. I had no idea what that meant. I thought it was just a joke and I texted him a few times after that regarding as to whether or not he's still interested in going on the date or not. I called several times as well and no response and he wasn't on MSN either. I bawled my eyes out for the past 2 days and I would do anything just to talk to him and ask him why he chose to make that decision.
VictorM's advice:
Why did he choose to make that decision? You called him selfish, you hung up on the guy, and you call him crying. Why should he put up with that? People usually seek the company of others to enhance their lives, not to insulted or dragged down. Anyway, sounds like this guy had enough of your tantrums and has, wisely, decided to move on.
By the way, your use of "confess" to divulge feelings for someone makes it sound like falling for someone is a crime.
