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Thursday, July 31, 2008
No comment
Submitted on Tuesday, July 29, 2008
By Amanda9013, 17, from salem:
What if the guy you like and who likes you still after five years flirts with you and has a girlfriend, but says no comment when you ask him if he wants you or his girlfriend??
VictorM's advice:
He's choosing his girlfriend. You're just a pastime.
By Amanda9013, 17, from salem:
What if the guy you like and who likes you still after five years flirts with you and has a girlfriend, but says no comment when you ask him if he wants you or his girlfriend??
VictorM's advice:
He's choosing his girlfriend. You're just a pastime.
I met this guy online
Submitted on Monday, July 28, 2008
By sarah, 19, from new Hampshire:
Ok I met this guy online, and we have met in person he is really awsome and we are always texting and talking on the the phone, and we see each other a lot. Sometimes he will ask me: "hey have you found any other boy toys online?" Then he will say its none of his business, and he doesn't care. What does he mean by this?
VictorM's advice:
He's telling you what he thinks of himself (a boy toy) but you're too in the haze of his awesomeness to notice.
When he assumes that other guys contacting you would only be interested in being a toy, he's projecting. That is, he projects his own motives onto the motives of others.
I don't know... just a wild guess, but this guy may not be as awesome as you make him out to be.
By sarah, 19, from new Hampshire:
Ok I met this guy online, and we have met in person he is really awsome and we are always texting and talking on the the phone, and we see each other a lot. Sometimes he will ask me: "hey have you found any other boy toys online?" Then he will say its none of his business, and he doesn't care. What does he mean by this?
VictorM's advice:
He's telling you what he thinks of himself (a boy toy) but you're too in the haze of his awesomeness to notice.
When he assumes that other guys contacting you would only be interested in being a toy, he's projecting. That is, he projects his own motives onto the motives of others.
I don't know... just a wild guess, but this guy may not be as awesome as you make him out to be.
I've been dating a much younger man
Submitted on Sunday, July 27, 2008
By Carrie, 40, from Pennsylvania:
I've been dating a much younger man for over a year. We've come to a point where true commitment ie-marriage has become considered. I would like to be married-to someone who absolutely loves me, yet he's saying that his parents may be dissapointed in him if we were to marry. I broke it off with him only to have him calling and coming back saying "I'm confused". I am willing to let this relationship go, it'd be less painful. Am I right?
VictorM's advice:
It happens, but the odds that "a much younger man" will want to marry you are very slim. If it was the other way around, no problem. You can curse the double standard all you want, but things are as they are.
If you cater to his "confusion" you'll just be wasting your time. And the more time this takes, the older you get.
By Carrie, 40, from Pennsylvania:
I've been dating a much younger man for over a year. We've come to a point where true commitment ie-marriage has become considered. I would like to be married-to someone who absolutely loves me, yet he's saying that his parents may be dissapointed in him if we were to marry. I broke it off with him only to have him calling and coming back saying "I'm confused". I am willing to let this relationship go, it'd be less painful. Am I right?
VictorM's advice:
It happens, but the odds that "a much younger man" will want to marry you are very slim. If it was the other way around, no problem. You can curse the double standard all you want, but things are as they are.
If you cater to his "confusion" you'll just be wasting your time. And the more time this takes, the older you get.
Message to Nina, from No man land
Nina,
Believe it or not, I read your entire detailed submission with enthusiasm. My eyes are still bleeding. :) (just kidding).
I don't really have the time right now to go into all the detail I'd like to go into. Also, this page, along with your request to keep things confidential, doesn't facilitate an answer.
I will say this: I think you grossly misinterpreted the good sign/bag sign analysis. Your understand about guys and their behavior needs a lot of work.
The way you describe yourself I can understand the feelings of intimidation that guys feel. And in the case of your fellow student, I wouldn't be surprised if that came into play. Lots of guys will simply stay away from a woman like you, even if you make it clear you like them -- as you clearly did with this one guy -- simply because they feel they can not measure up to you.
Please consider that attraction is never about you; it's about how the guy feels when he's around you. If a guy feels he can't afford your tastes and your life style, or that you attract too much attention from guys, no matter how much he likes you, he'll avoid you, even if at times he likes being around you.
Your problem is very common for girls who are "beautiful". You tend to attract the guys that are after sex or a trophy date but you scare away many other guys.
Darn... there's a lot more to stay about your submission. Maybe you can join the argville forum (this way we can correspond without you having to give me your email address).
Believe it or not, I read your entire detailed submission with enthusiasm. My eyes are still bleeding. :) (just kidding).
I don't really have the time right now to go into all the detail I'd like to go into. Also, this page, along with your request to keep things confidential, doesn't facilitate an answer.
I will say this: I think you grossly misinterpreted the good sign/bag sign analysis. Your understand about guys and their behavior needs a lot of work.
The way you describe yourself I can understand the feelings of intimidation that guys feel. And in the case of your fellow student, I wouldn't be surprised if that came into play. Lots of guys will simply stay away from a woman like you, even if you make it clear you like them -- as you clearly did with this one guy -- simply because they feel they can not measure up to you.
Please consider that attraction is never about you; it's about how the guy feels when he's around you. If a guy feels he can't afford your tastes and your life style, or that you attract too much attention from guys, no matter how much he likes you, he'll avoid you, even if at times he likes being around you.
Your problem is very common for girls who are "beautiful". You tend to attract the guys that are after sex or a trophy date but you scare away many other guys.
Darn... there's a lot more to stay about your submission. Maybe you can join the argville forum (this way we can correspond without you having to give me your email address).
I'm not trying to be needy
Submitted on Saturday, July 26, 2008
By Deedee B, 21, from Chicago, IL:
Ok..I've been seeing someone for the past 3 months...I can honestly say that I'm head over heels for the guy. I met him in college actually 2 weeks before the summer vacation was to start. We hooked up and it's been blissful every since...well..kinda...
We both live in 2 different cities, good thing about that is that my parents live in the city that he resides, so I can always visit and see him anytime I like..so the distance really isn't a problem. It seemed like we kinda got along better that way because I was busy with my family matters at home.
So I'm here in Chicago and I practically tried to spend half of my whole summer with him. After a week of us seeing each other we split. He said he needed to "find himself"...I was really hurt because he promised never to "leave me" and to be here for the "long run"...
After a few weeks we began talking again and needless to say we are back together. Time is winding down for me to go back home and I really want to see him and spend time with him. I know he has his other obligations, but it always seem that he makes plans to do other thins between these obligations. I WANNA BE HIS PRIORITY TOO!..It's like I'm always on the backburner, I always find myself crying and wondering what he doing and etc. Things just aren't the same anymore, and I don't wanna feel like I'm needy..I love him a whole lot and I'm trying to be understanding. I just thought since I'm 15 mins away that he would want to see me, instead of 8 hours away and he can't see me at all...
I'm not trying to be needy...but I miss him..I discussed this with him, and he knows he can do better. He said this, but nothing has changed.
VictorM's advice:
You would think that a guy who's into you would make you his priority, right? So why isn't he?
Did you actually believe him when he said he'd never leave? I suspect you did, because you sound amazingly naive and unable to deal with the facts before you.
The problem here isn't what he can and can't do; the problem is your inability to face the obvious: he simply isn't into you as you're into him. He's not motivated to do better because he doesn't care enough about you.
When he said he went to find himself (did you believe that too?) what he meant was he was going to find someone he could care for more. He didn't find anyone so he's back with you.
I doubt he will stay for long.
By Deedee B, 21, from Chicago, IL:
Ok..I've been seeing someone for the past 3 months...I can honestly say that I'm head over heels for the guy. I met him in college actually 2 weeks before the summer vacation was to start. We hooked up and it's been blissful every since...well..kinda...
We both live in 2 different cities, good thing about that is that my parents live in the city that he resides, so I can always visit and see him anytime I like..so the distance really isn't a problem. It seemed like we kinda got along better that way because I was busy with my family matters at home.
So I'm here in Chicago and I practically tried to spend half of my whole summer with him. After a week of us seeing each other we split. He said he needed to "find himself"...I was really hurt because he promised never to "leave me" and to be here for the "long run"...
After a few weeks we began talking again and needless to say we are back together. Time is winding down for me to go back home and I really want to see him and spend time with him. I know he has his other obligations, but it always seem that he makes plans to do other thins between these obligations. I WANNA BE HIS PRIORITY TOO!..It's like I'm always on the backburner, I always find myself crying and wondering what he doing and etc. Things just aren't the same anymore, and I don't wanna feel like I'm needy..I love him a whole lot and I'm trying to be understanding. I just thought since I'm 15 mins away that he would want to see me, instead of 8 hours away and he can't see me at all...
I'm not trying to be needy...but I miss him..I discussed this with him, and he knows he can do better. He said this, but nothing has changed.
VictorM's advice:
You would think that a guy who's into you would make you his priority, right? So why isn't he?
Did you actually believe him when he said he'd never leave? I suspect you did, because you sound amazingly naive and unable to deal with the facts before you.
The problem here isn't what he can and can't do; the problem is your inability to face the obvious: he simply isn't into you as you're into him. He's not motivated to do better because he doesn't care enough about you.
When he said he went to find himself (did you believe that too?) what he meant was he was going to find someone he could care for more. He didn't find anyone so he's back with you.
I doubt he will stay for long.
It started off too intense
Submitted on Saturday, July 26, 2008
By Allison, 21, from usa:
I have dated guys before where it started off too intense. But then they lose interest almost as fast as it starts. Is there any way to prevent this from happening?
VictorM's advice:
I'm guessing you're a very attractive girl. When a guy falls for you he falls for your physical looks. His body gets flooded with chemicals that makes him think you're the greatest human on Earth. Eventually the chemicals slow down and he comes down to reality. At that point, you become a mere mortal female, hardly capable of matching their vision while high from all the chemicals. There is nothing you can do about this process.
When it happens, just learn to recognize it and not invest too much energy into the guy until he comes back down to Earth.
By Allison, 21, from usa:
I have dated guys before where it started off too intense. But then they lose interest almost as fast as it starts. Is there any way to prevent this from happening?
VictorM's advice:
I'm guessing you're a very attractive girl. When a guy falls for you he falls for your physical looks. His body gets flooded with chemicals that makes him think you're the greatest human on Earth. Eventually the chemicals slow down and he comes down to reality. At that point, you become a mere mortal female, hardly capable of matching their vision while high from all the chemicals. There is nothing you can do about this process.
When it happens, just learn to recognize it and not invest too much energy into the guy until he comes back down to Earth.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We were arguing all the time
Submitted on Friday, July 25, 2008
By Lee, 31, from United States:
I broke up with my (now ex-) boyfriend because we were arguing all the time. A week after we broke up he contacted me again apologizing and started texting me every day and calling me telling me he missed me and wanted us to be together. We each had our family vacations for the next 2 weeks and didn't see each other. (he lives 1.5 hrs away from me). He had invited me to his family vacation, but the next day said it wasn't a good idea for me to come and then cut off all contact for 2.5 weeks. Out of the blue this past Monday he contacts me asking me how I am doing. I didn't reply and he started saying how he understands why I wouldn't want to talk and he is sorry he hasn't called. He said the reason was because his parents had "issues" regarding our arguments that we had been having prior to the break up. Now...keep in mind he is 38 yrs old. I told him he should have let me know what was going on and I assumed he wasn't calling because he didn't want to be with me. He kepts texting me he's sorry, he doesn't want me to be mad, it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, blah, blah, blah. I asked him what he wanted to do now and he wanted to talk that night. We talked on the phone for over a hour...about normal stuff. Like we did when we were together. Nothing was said about the relationship. He said he would call me the next night but didn't. But he has text me a few times. What is up with this? Does he want to get together again and just being cautious and taking it slow or is he stringing me along? Or did he really just want to explain everything because he "hated how things were left"??
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing unusual about his behavior. You broke up with him, but I'm sure there's plenty of things about you that he likes, hence the contact. But at times he must question the wisdom of getting back together with a girl who broke up with him and with whom he fights far too often. The attempts to reach you and the distance all make sense to me.
I don't think he has a master plan to string you along; he's just confused between wanting you back and moving on.
By Lee, 31, from United States:
I broke up with my (now ex-) boyfriend because we were arguing all the time. A week after we broke up he contacted me again apologizing and started texting me every day and calling me telling me he missed me and wanted us to be together. We each had our family vacations for the next 2 weeks and didn't see each other. (he lives 1.5 hrs away from me). He had invited me to his family vacation, but the next day said it wasn't a good idea for me to come and then cut off all contact for 2.5 weeks. Out of the blue this past Monday he contacts me asking me how I am doing. I didn't reply and he started saying how he understands why I wouldn't want to talk and he is sorry he hasn't called. He said the reason was because his parents had "issues" regarding our arguments that we had been having prior to the break up. Now...keep in mind he is 38 yrs old. I told him he should have let me know what was going on and I assumed he wasn't calling because he didn't want to be with me. He kepts texting me he's sorry, he doesn't want me to be mad, it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, blah, blah, blah. I asked him what he wanted to do now and he wanted to talk that night. We talked on the phone for over a hour...about normal stuff. Like we did when we were together. Nothing was said about the relationship. He said he would call me the next night but didn't. But he has text me a few times. What is up with this? Does he want to get together again and just being cautious and taking it slow or is he stringing me along? Or did he really just want to explain everything because he "hated how things were left"??
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing unusual about his behavior. You broke up with him, but I'm sure there's plenty of things about you that he likes, hence the contact. But at times he must question the wisdom of getting back together with a girl who broke up with him and with whom he fights far too often. The attempts to reach you and the distance all make sense to me.
I don't think he has a master plan to string you along; he's just confused between wanting you back and moving on.
The things he is doing are creeping me out
Submitted on Thursday, July 24, 2008
By Nina, 23, from Ontario:
Why would this guy constantly stare at me, follow behind me when I get up from my seat at work, sit outside in his car in my neighbourhood and watch me walk my dog, make a howl sound when I walk by him at work, attempts to talk to me but ends up fidgeting, biting his nails, shaking his feet and just starring blank sitting in front of me, also tells people that he likes that there is an innocence about me. Then, when I don't respond to his advances, says I not mature enough. The reason why I have not acknowledege his advances is because the things he is doing are creeping me out. He makes me extremely uncomfortable and nervous.
VictorM's answer:
You answered your own question: he does those things because he's a creep.
He sits in his car and watches you walk your dog? Creepy!
By Nina, 23, from Ontario:
Why would this guy constantly stare at me, follow behind me when I get up from my seat at work, sit outside in his car in my neighbourhood and watch me walk my dog, make a howl sound when I walk by him at work, attempts to talk to me but ends up fidgeting, biting his nails, shaking his feet and just starring blank sitting in front of me, also tells people that he likes that there is an innocence about me. Then, when I don't respond to his advances, says I not mature enough. The reason why I have not acknowledege his advances is because the things he is doing are creeping me out. He makes me extremely uncomfortable and nervous.
VictorM's answer:
You answered your own question: he does those things because he's a creep.
He sits in his car and watches you walk your dog? Creepy!
He is absolutely a doll
Submitted on Thursday, July 24, 2008
By Eli, 19, from TN:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is absolutely a doll. Couldn't ask for a better man. He took me in when my mom kicked me out when I was 17. (he was only 21 at the time) He's a hard worker, great provider, and is putting me through college (and he is sexy which is a plus)...
By Eli, 19, from TN:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is absolutely a doll. Couldn't ask for a better man. He took me in when my mom kicked me out when I was 17. (he was only 21 at the time) He's a hard worker, great provider, and is putting me through college (and he is sexy which is a plus)...
But I have one small problem. Lately he has been hinting towards marrying me. And what I mean by hinting, is leaving little notes putting his last name on my first name. Cute little things like that. Flowers, cards, telling me he loves me "Mrs. (his last name)". Exactly what does him doing this mean? I am confused. I would love for him to be being real. And ask me. But is that what he's trying to do? Just ask me in a round - about, non-traditional way?......
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure he'll ask you to marry him when he's ready. I see his current behavior as simply a man being romantic and letting you know that he's deeply into you.
I would suspect that when he asks you to marry him, he'll do it in a very traditional way. He sounds like the "on his knees" kinda guy.
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure he'll ask you to marry him when he's ready. I see his current behavior as simply a man being romantic and letting you know that he's deeply into you.
I would suspect that when he asks you to marry him, he'll do it in a very traditional way. He sounds like the "on his knees" kinda guy.
I am totally in love with a friend
Submitted on Thursday, July 24, 2008
By Melissa, 31, from UK:
What should I do if I have this feeling that I am totally in love with a friend but he just wants to be friends?
I have this feeling that I can't live without him and that I'll never find anyone better. I have tried mixing around and meeting new people but I somehow can't forget him. I consider myself an attractive girl and am struggling to understand why he doesn't want me. Maybe I'm just in denial.
I want to tell him how I wish we could be together but I don't want to come across as being so desperate, which in actual fact I am! Could he ever change his mind?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he could still change, but that's not very likely.
Didn't you already tell him that you wish you could be together? If you haven't, I don't see why you shouldn't tell him. It may not make a difference, but you should remove that doubt from your mind and tell him.
Just because you like him romantically and you're good friends doesn't mean that he has to like you romantically in return. Romantic attraction is a beast all of its own, which no one really seems to be able to explain. It's not a reflection on you at all; it's just the way life is.
By Melissa, 31, from UK:
What should I do if I have this feeling that I am totally in love with a friend but he just wants to be friends?
I have this feeling that I can't live without him and that I'll never find anyone better. I have tried mixing around and meeting new people but I somehow can't forget him. I consider myself an attractive girl and am struggling to understand why he doesn't want me. Maybe I'm just in denial.
I want to tell him how I wish we could be together but I don't want to come across as being so desperate, which in actual fact I am! Could he ever change his mind?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he could still change, but that's not very likely.
Didn't you already tell him that you wish you could be together? If you haven't, I don't see why you shouldn't tell him. It may not make a difference, but you should remove that doubt from your mind and tell him.
Just because you like him romantically and you're good friends doesn't mean that he has to like you romantically in return. Romantic attraction is a beast all of its own, which no one really seems to be able to explain. It's not a reflection on you at all; it's just the way life is.
Makeup artist
Submitted on Tuesday, July 22, 2008
By Shanarieece, 18, from California:
Okay, me and my boyfriend are moving in together sometime next month and were both really excited about it. He's a really good guy and he treats me better than any guy ever has before. The thing is, i have no family that i can turn to if it ends up not working out. When i try and tell him that im kind of afraid to do this because for the first few months i'll be totally dependent on him, he just says 'Why would you say its not going to work out?' What he doesnt understand is that im not saying its not going to, im just saying what if? I mean you never know, we can end up not liking each other as much as we thought we did. I'd have nowhere to go, i'd have no money, no car. I'm stuck. I really do want to go through with this i just wish he would understand. One of the main things that scares me is that he wants to be a welder which is perfectly fine with me, im glad he's happy doing that but he cannot stand that i want to be a makeup artist. He gets so upset saying they are two totally different careers and a makeup artist doesn't make enough money. He practically said that if i pursue being a makeup artist than it would eventually break us up. Another thing is he said he doesnt want to have kids for about another 8 years. (right now hes 20 and im 18) which is a problem for me because i wanted to have kids at a younger age, around 23/24. I wouldnt get pregnant on purpose because i dont want to end up being a single mom, but he wont even reason with me about it. He DOES NOT want kids until then and thats it. So basically i have to change my dreams and things i want so we can be together and make him happy? I dont think its fair to me. Im not sure how to talk to him about it. I really do love him and i guess i would be willing to change things for him but i dont really want to. He's not making sacrafices for me like that. I dont want to be unhappy in the future just because of a few stupid things. I really do love him and i just wish he would understand some of the things i want. Is there a way i can make him understand or negotiate with me or something!? I really want this to work out i just dont want to break up about it or end up unhappy because i agreed to what he wanted. I mean i do understand his side to things, and he is not controlling at all (even though it might sound like it from what i wrote), i just wish there was a way we can work this out.
By Shanarieece, 18, from California:
Okay, me and my boyfriend are moving in together sometime next month and were both really excited about it. He's a really good guy and he treats me better than any guy ever has before. The thing is, i have no family that i can turn to if it ends up not working out. When i try and tell him that im kind of afraid to do this because for the first few months i'll be totally dependent on him, he just says 'Why would you say its not going to work out?' What he doesnt understand is that im not saying its not going to, im just saying what if? I mean you never know, we can end up not liking each other as much as we thought we did. I'd have nowhere to go, i'd have no money, no car. I'm stuck. I really do want to go through with this i just wish he would understand. One of the main things that scares me is that he wants to be a welder which is perfectly fine with me, im glad he's happy doing that but he cannot stand that i want to be a makeup artist. He gets so upset saying they are two totally different careers and a makeup artist doesn't make enough money. He practically said that if i pursue being a makeup artist than it would eventually break us up. Another thing is he said he doesnt want to have kids for about another 8 years. (right now hes 20 and im 18) which is a problem for me because i wanted to have kids at a younger age, around 23/24. I wouldnt get pregnant on purpose because i dont want to end up being a single mom, but he wont even reason with me about it. He DOES NOT want kids until then and thats it. So basically i have to change my dreams and things i want so we can be together and make him happy? I dont think its fair to me. Im not sure how to talk to him about it. I really do love him and i guess i would be willing to change things for him but i dont really want to. He's not making sacrafices for me like that. I dont want to be unhappy in the future just because of a few stupid things. I really do love him and i just wish he would understand some of the things i want. Is there a way i can make him understand or negotiate with me or something!? I really want this to work out i just dont want to break up about it or end up unhappy because i agreed to what he wanted. I mean i do understand his side to things, and he is not controlling at all (even though it might sound like it from what i wrote), i just wish there was a way we can work this out.
Thank you sooooo much for any advice!
VictorM's advice:
With the types of issues you describe, moving in together sounds premature to me. What's the rush?
You don't have to change your dreams, however, if you do, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's being very clear about what he wants and expects. You are staying with him even though it contradicts what you want. Rather than dealing with the facts you have, you're hoping he'll change or that he could be different. It is a foolish and immature way to deal with your life.
But you love him, right? And I assume that somewhere, somehow, you have been led to believe that love is all you need -- it's not!
Here's the best advice I have for you: don't move in together, go to makeup school, get a job, save money, become self-reliant financially, and if this guy stays along for the ride, great, if not, you saved yourself from a very unhappy life, which is what's most likely in store for you if you move in together now. Face it: neither one of you is ready to handle living together.
VictorM's advice:
With the types of issues you describe, moving in together sounds premature to me. What's the rush?
You don't have to change your dreams, however, if you do, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's being very clear about what he wants and expects. You are staying with him even though it contradicts what you want. Rather than dealing with the facts you have, you're hoping he'll change or that he could be different. It is a foolish and immature way to deal with your life.
But you love him, right? And I assume that somewhere, somehow, you have been led to believe that love is all you need -- it's not!
Here's the best advice I have for you: don't move in together, go to makeup school, get a job, save money, become self-reliant financially, and if this guy stays along for the ride, great, if not, you saved yourself from a very unhappy life, which is what's most likely in store for you if you move in together now. Face it: neither one of you is ready to handle living together.
An effort to see me before he leaves
Submitted on Tuesday, July 22, 2008
By Marie, 23, from Washington:
I left a question the begining of this month about my friend that joined the military we've been friends for six years and he said that he loved me. Well he was just recently home on leave for 15 days before he gets shipped out for a year and I didn't hear from him once. I'm a little confused. I know that he was busy with family and friends but if a guy was into me wouldn't he make an effort to see me before he leaves?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he would.
This is a perfect case of actions speaking louder than words.
By Marie, 23, from Washington:
I left a question the begining of this month about my friend that joined the military we've been friends for six years and he said that he loved me. Well he was just recently home on leave for 15 days before he gets shipped out for a year and I didn't hear from him once. I'm a little confused. I know that he was busy with family and friends but if a guy was into me wouldn't he make an effort to see me before he leaves?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he would.
This is a perfect case of actions speaking louder than words.
Monday, July 28, 2008
He went into the hospital and disappered
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By Anne, 20, from Pittsburgh:
My ex and I met through work in January. He was six years older than me and had a two year old daughter with his ex. We were happy. He told me he had never been so comfortable around anyone else, I made him the happiest he had ever been, and that he thought we were meant to be. So when he went into the hospital and disappered so no one could find him, I was worried. Then his ex sent me myspace messages telling me how they got together all the time behind my back. I freaked out. I called and left nasty voicemails (because he wouldnt answer his phone) saying that I hated him and regretted everything with him. I told his best friend i would walk out on him if he came to work. well his best friend told him and he wouldnt come to work until i agreed to not walk out. he explained to me that he was in the hospital because he had attempted suicide. i was speechless. so he came back to work and i didnt talk to him. but eventually i did. he tried flirting with me but i pushed him away. i was so mad. he told me that his ex has done this before that she breaks up his relationships and says he cheats with her. then he asked me if there would be another chance i didnt give a clear answer. i was just so mad at him. i didnt even want to see him. so over the next few days he would flirt with the other girls. and when i got my schedule his ex was going to work at the store. he told me it was for one shift and that he didn't ask her to do it, his boss did. i was so pissed i quit. i threw my uniform at him and walked out. for three days he fought me literally begging me that he didn't want me to quit because i was a good worker and he wanted me to stay for at least one more week. i refused. then he just stopped. then exactly two weeks after i quit, he quit. Titles his myspace with "i say five vowels and three syllables there unnoticed and your so dreamable" yet he had deleted me and added his ex. his best friend will randomly talk to me (he had told me that i was an awesome girlfriend and he didn't want me to leave) and ask me to come party with him. i always say no. i havent heard anything since. So my question is why did he do all that? Did i drive him to it? Did he cheat? Did he actually care? Why won't he talk to me?
VictorM's advice:
Some men are liars, cheaters, irresponsible, unreliable, and cowardly. Seems like you hit the jackpot when you stumbled onto this guy. He was all those things before he met you; he'll be all those things without you around. It's nothing you did and nothing that you can say or do will change any of that.
By Anne, 20, from Pittsburgh:
My ex and I met through work in January. He was six years older than me and had a two year old daughter with his ex. We were happy. He told me he had never been so comfortable around anyone else, I made him the happiest he had ever been, and that he thought we were meant to be. So when he went into the hospital and disappered so no one could find him, I was worried. Then his ex sent me myspace messages telling me how they got together all the time behind my back. I freaked out. I called and left nasty voicemails (because he wouldnt answer his phone) saying that I hated him and regretted everything with him. I told his best friend i would walk out on him if he came to work. well his best friend told him and he wouldnt come to work until i agreed to not walk out. he explained to me that he was in the hospital because he had attempted suicide. i was speechless. so he came back to work and i didnt talk to him. but eventually i did. he tried flirting with me but i pushed him away. i was so mad. he told me that his ex has done this before that she breaks up his relationships and says he cheats with her. then he asked me if there would be another chance i didnt give a clear answer. i was just so mad at him. i didnt even want to see him. so over the next few days he would flirt with the other girls. and when i got my schedule his ex was going to work at the store. he told me it was for one shift and that he didn't ask her to do it, his boss did. i was so pissed i quit. i threw my uniform at him and walked out. for three days he fought me literally begging me that he didn't want me to quit because i was a good worker and he wanted me to stay for at least one more week. i refused. then he just stopped. then exactly two weeks after i quit, he quit. Titles his myspace with "i say five vowels and three syllables there unnoticed and your so dreamable" yet he had deleted me and added his ex. his best friend will randomly talk to me (he had told me that i was an awesome girlfriend and he didn't want me to leave) and ask me to come party with him. i always say no. i havent heard anything since. So my question is why did he do all that? Did i drive him to it? Did he cheat? Did he actually care? Why won't he talk to me?
VictorM's advice:
Some men are liars, cheaters, irresponsible, unreliable, and cowardly. Seems like you hit the jackpot when you stumbled onto this guy. He was all those things before he met you; he'll be all those things without you around. It's nothing you did and nothing that you can say or do will change any of that.
I want to back off a little
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By Kathryn, 19, from East Coast:
I met this guy late summer of last year; instantly had a crush on him...circumstances, which include his best friend having a thing for me, kept anything from happening. We talked occasionally just a friendly acquaintance thing for the next few months. Then in April we both admitted to kinda having a thing for each other. I went for a visit about a month later, and we spent the night together. Nothing significant happened, just had a good time hanging out basically. We've spent as much time together as possible the last two months...but sometimes I'll see him and then I won't hear from him for days. And sometimes he'll return a text or phone call and other times won't. I worry that I've been too clingy; I dunno. I want to back off a little, you know make him miss me, but i don't want him to start thinking im not interested either. I'm kinda in a hard place.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I wish I had the right answer for that situation. Lining up a girl's need for contact with a guy's is simply a near impossible task.
I would just suggest that you don't back off. Show him the kind of attention you feel is right for how you feel. But also accept that as a guy, he simply won't answer you as much as you'd like and don't take that as lack of interest in you. You only become needy if you need him to reply to you as often as you think he should and he doesn't.
By Kathryn, 19, from East Coast:
I met this guy late summer of last year; instantly had a crush on him...circumstances, which include his best friend having a thing for me, kept anything from happening. We talked occasionally just a friendly acquaintance thing for the next few months. Then in April we both admitted to kinda having a thing for each other. I went for a visit about a month later, and we spent the night together. Nothing significant happened, just had a good time hanging out basically. We've spent as much time together as possible the last two months...but sometimes I'll see him and then I won't hear from him for days. And sometimes he'll return a text or phone call and other times won't. I worry that I've been too clingy; I dunno. I want to back off a little, you know make him miss me, but i don't want him to start thinking im not interested either. I'm kinda in a hard place.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I wish I had the right answer for that situation. Lining up a girl's need for contact with a guy's is simply a near impossible task.
I would just suggest that you don't back off. Show him the kind of attention you feel is right for how you feel. But also accept that as a guy, he simply won't answer you as much as you'd like and don't take that as lack of interest in you. You only become needy if you need him to reply to you as often as you think he should and he doesn't.
I just want to look great
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By kate, 28:
I was hopelessly in love with a guy in high school. He had a girlfriend, we were no more than class friends. He was really cool and I was not, we hung out in different crowds. But we had this one class together, and we always sat together and just made each other laugh the entire time, and he was just the sweetest, funniest guy. Anyway, my 10 year reunion is coming up...I've lost about 20 lbs since high school, have had a fairly successful start on my career. While I know that everyone looks great in different clothes, based on body type and preference, (I happen to be under 5'2", busty and petite) I was just wondering if there are any almost "universal" outfits that tend to make a guy's eyes pop? I've heard red shoes, hair down, and either a skirt or a dress...is this right/is there anything else? I just want to look great, and feel amazing so that I can be my most confident (which I know is the sexiest thing of all).
VictorM's advice:
If you wear anything that makes you feel good and sexy, the whole world will see you that way. It all starts with you.
But heck, there is one thing that escapes no guy: cleavage! And since you're busty, why not make him drown in envy by having a tastefully visible cleavage?
And yes, skirt or dress instead of pants. Red shoes? I suppose, yes.
And sexy underwear, just in case you're wildly successful. :)
By kate, 28:
I was hopelessly in love with a guy in high school. He had a girlfriend, we were no more than class friends. He was really cool and I was not, we hung out in different crowds. But we had this one class together, and we always sat together and just made each other laugh the entire time, and he was just the sweetest, funniest guy. Anyway, my 10 year reunion is coming up...I've lost about 20 lbs since high school, have had a fairly successful start on my career. While I know that everyone looks great in different clothes, based on body type and preference, (I happen to be under 5'2", busty and petite) I was just wondering if there are any almost "universal" outfits that tend to make a guy's eyes pop? I've heard red shoes, hair down, and either a skirt or a dress...is this right/is there anything else? I just want to look great, and feel amazing so that I can be my most confident (which I know is the sexiest thing of all).
VictorM's advice:
If you wear anything that makes you feel good and sexy, the whole world will see you that way. It all starts with you.
But heck, there is one thing that escapes no guy: cleavage! And since you're busty, why not make him drown in envy by having a tastefully visible cleavage?
And yes, skirt or dress instead of pants. Red shoes? I suppose, yes.
And sexy underwear, just in case you're wildly successful. :)
I want to slow things down
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By Danielle, 23, from LA:
By Danielle, 23, from LA:
Hi Victor! I've been dating this really nice guy for about a month now and he is hinting at wanting a relationship soon (which isn't a bad thing). We get along good and he is funny, smart, and definitely into me. Lately we've been spending hours, and I mean hours together. Just last week we spend 6 straight hours together, 3 days in a row. I like him, but I don't want things to fizzle out before they really get going. How do I tell him I want to slow things down without scaring him away or making it seem like I don't like him anymore? Or is it too late?
VictorM's advice:
It's not too late but I don't think you should say you want to slow things down. Guys have a hard time processing that information in a positive manner. Right now he's so into you that he can't have enough of you. And you're right, that won't last. It will fizzle, but that's not a bad thing. Too many relationships suffer from suffocation and that's what could happen in your case unless there's more balance.
And that is what you need to find -- more balance. You do that by planning activities that include just you, your family, or your girlfriends. If he's the right guy for you, he should understand your need to do things without him.
If, for example, you enjoy being by yourself reading a book, mention that you're looking forward to doing just that. Again, it's important for him to start understanding the real you and for you to communicate the kind of person you are.
As long as you specify your needs (I need time to read, I like shopping with my girlfriends, etc.) and are not accusatory (you take too much of my time, we spend too much time together, you're suffocating me), if he places your happiness above his needs, he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, it really doesn't matter how funny and smart he is, he's just not the right guy for you.
VictorM's advice:
It's not too late but I don't think you should say you want to slow things down. Guys have a hard time processing that information in a positive manner. Right now he's so into you that he can't have enough of you. And you're right, that won't last. It will fizzle, but that's not a bad thing. Too many relationships suffer from suffocation and that's what could happen in your case unless there's more balance.
And that is what you need to find -- more balance. You do that by planning activities that include just you, your family, or your girlfriends. If he's the right guy for you, he should understand your need to do things without him.
If, for example, you enjoy being by yourself reading a book, mention that you're looking forward to doing just that. Again, it's important for him to start understanding the real you and for you to communicate the kind of person you are.
As long as you specify your needs (I need time to read, I like shopping with my girlfriends, etc.) and are not accusatory (you take too much of my time, we spend too much time together, you're suffocating me), if he places your happiness above his needs, he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, it really doesn't matter how funny and smart he is, he's just not the right guy for you.
Busy professional man
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By DEBBIE, 45, from SAVANNAH:
I have been seeing a very busy professional man (CIO for a company) for three months. Very nice, we go to plays, musicals, dinner, walks, riding harleys etc. But he seldom calls. Just when he has free time. I feel things are going slow. He hasn’t said we are dating, but he or I are not seeing anyone else. Is slow good? And is not calling everyday slow or lack of interest?
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally can't multi-task. A successful man like your guy probably focus on his work when he's working and nothing else. That may not be what you want, but he's just being a typical guy. His lack of contacting you as often as you'd like is not a reflection of his feelings for you.
Guys also prefer to go into a relationship at a much slower pace than females do. So again, his behavior is consistent with that of a typical guy.
Ultimately, you have to decide if you can live with this behavior because the odds that he'll change are remote.
By DEBBIE, 45, from SAVANNAH:
I have been seeing a very busy professional man (CIO for a company) for three months. Very nice, we go to plays, musicals, dinner, walks, riding harleys etc. But he seldom calls. Just when he has free time. I feel things are going slow. He hasn’t said we are dating, but he or I are not seeing anyone else. Is slow good? And is not calling everyday slow or lack of interest?
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally can't multi-task. A successful man like your guy probably focus on his work when he's working and nothing else. That may not be what you want, but he's just being a typical guy. His lack of contacting you as often as you'd like is not a reflection of his feelings for you.
Guys also prefer to go into a relationship at a much slower pace than females do. So again, his behavior is consistent with that of a typical guy.
Ultimately, you have to decide if you can live with this behavior because the odds that he'll change are remote.
Lover on steroids
Submitted on Monday, July 21, 2008
By ALANA, 21:
OH MY GOODNESS... Okay, so, i'm done and over with the situation with "M". YOu know that story. Now with "T"..the "lover on steroids".. -the guy who spoils me ROTTEN, calls when he says he'll call, email's when he says he will, buys me tremendous amounts of gifts, takes me out to eat, to watch movies, he spends a shitload on me, and has stated all these "i wanna be with you" "i don't wanna lose you" "ur special to me" "i don't wanna fuck this up" ETC..... but ANYWAY...
I just found out from a trusted and CLOSE friend of mine (who also happens to work on the same ship as "T")... he witnessed "T" trying to get with another girl. My TRUSTED friend talked to THAT GIRL, and found out some information that I'm not too happy with... In other words... "T" is a little cheater.
I am sooo happy that I didn't give "T" SHIT! I did NOTHING sexual with him, and I am soo glad I had my guard up! I can't express how IMPORTANT it is to TRUST YOUR GUT when you feel that something is just..."not right".... this "T" was just TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE... I had a feeling it was like that... and my goodness, it WAS!!! Where are all the genuinely good guys?? I thought "T" was a genuinely good guy! Well..he WAS moving a little too fast in the beginning...and I WAS a little sketchy about that. What should i DO?? Should I confront him about what I know once he gets back from being underway? Or should I stay in this and suck him dry of his gold for the hell of it (without me giving anything)??
What do you think V??
VictorM's advice:
How cool... I'm on a first letter basis. :)
Be done with T. Yes, he sounded too good to be true. So what do you do? You move on.
Finding good guys is not an easy task, but they are out there. You just have to focus your energy to finding one instead of spending it with T. He's got nothing but more empty promises and bullshit for you.
By ALANA, 21:
OH MY GOODNESS... Okay, so, i'm done and over with the situation with "M". YOu know that story. Now with "T"..the "lover on steroids".. -the guy who spoils me ROTTEN, calls when he says he'll call, email's when he says he will, buys me tremendous amounts of gifts, takes me out to eat, to watch movies, he spends a shitload on me, and has stated all these "i wanna be with you" "i don't wanna lose you" "ur special to me" "i don't wanna fuck this up" ETC..... but ANYWAY...
I just found out from a trusted and CLOSE friend of mine (who also happens to work on the same ship as "T")... he witnessed "T" trying to get with another girl. My TRUSTED friend talked to THAT GIRL, and found out some information that I'm not too happy with... In other words... "T" is a little cheater.
I am sooo happy that I didn't give "T" SHIT! I did NOTHING sexual with him, and I am soo glad I had my guard up! I can't express how IMPORTANT it is to TRUST YOUR GUT when you feel that something is just..."not right".... this "T" was just TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE... I had a feeling it was like that... and my goodness, it WAS!!! Where are all the genuinely good guys?? I thought "T" was a genuinely good guy! Well..he WAS moving a little too fast in the beginning...and I WAS a little sketchy about that. What should i DO?? Should I confront him about what I know once he gets back from being underway? Or should I stay in this and suck him dry of his gold for the hell of it (without me giving anything)??
What do you think V??
VictorM's advice:
How cool... I'm on a first letter basis. :)
Be done with T. Yes, he sounded too good to be true. So what do you do? You move on.
Finding good guys is not an easy task, but they are out there. You just have to focus your energy to finding one instead of spending it with T. He's got nothing but more empty promises and bullshit for you.
He's lousy in bed
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Frustrated, 30-something, from Victoria:
How do I tell my man he's lousy in bed? I care about him and don't want to hurt him, but he doesn't seem to care about my pleasure, and I want to fix it for both of us. How does one say that to a guy?
VictorM's advice:
One doesn't ever say to the guy that he's lousy. Ever!
Guys are very goal-oriented. Many guys feel that an erection is wasted unless it's used in intercourse and ejaculation. You need to change that goal. Set new objectives. And then train the guy to want those goals too.
Let's say, for example, that you'd like to engage in more kissing before getting into sex. Explicitly define that as the goal. Reward him with praise if he complies. Refuse to go on unless you've accomplished most of what you wanted.
Blame Cosmopolitan, if you have too. Say you read something in an article and you think it would be fun to try it. Then try anything you want... less oral sex, more oral sex, toys, clothing, etc. Each time, define a goal and praise him when he seems to get it.
A lot of times lovers like him are just afraid to try different things for fear of being called kinky, so they stick to the very basics. Don't be afraid to mention what you would like to do. Sure, he could get turned off by your ideas, but if he does, the sooner you get rid of him the better.
Of course, there is the chance that he just wants what he wants and could care less about your pleasure. As the old saying goes: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. In this case, you can try professional therapy, or better yet, find yourself a new lover.
By Frustrated, 30-something, from Victoria:
How do I tell my man he's lousy in bed? I care about him and don't want to hurt him, but he doesn't seem to care about my pleasure, and I want to fix it for both of us. How does one say that to a guy?
VictorM's advice:
One doesn't ever say to the guy that he's lousy. Ever!
Guys are very goal-oriented. Many guys feel that an erection is wasted unless it's used in intercourse and ejaculation. You need to change that goal. Set new objectives. And then train the guy to want those goals too.
Let's say, for example, that you'd like to engage in more kissing before getting into sex. Explicitly define that as the goal. Reward him with praise if he complies. Refuse to go on unless you've accomplished most of what you wanted.
Blame Cosmopolitan, if you have too. Say you read something in an article and you think it would be fun to try it. Then try anything you want... less oral sex, more oral sex, toys, clothing, etc. Each time, define a goal and praise him when he seems to get it.
A lot of times lovers like him are just afraid to try different things for fear of being called kinky, so they stick to the very basics. Don't be afraid to mention what you would like to do. Sure, he could get turned off by your ideas, but if he does, the sooner you get rid of him the better.
Of course, there is the chance that he just wants what he wants and could care less about your pleasure. As the old saying goes: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. In this case, you can try professional therapy, or better yet, find yourself a new lover.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
He never worked up the courage to call me
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Natasha, 17:
I've been crazy about my best guy friend for a long time. After realizing that things aren't going to happen (at least not now certainly, he has things that he, as he said , needs to work out on his own.) I let myself heal and move on. I soon after I met, well actually re-met, this guy. We'd met a while ago and lost contact. He'd apparently asked my best friend for my # then never worked up the courage to call me. So we started talking again and my best friend told me every things he's been telling her, which is basically that he likes me and wants to ask me out really badly but is afraid I'm gonna say no. He calls me beautiful and just talks and argues with me (not in a bad way, like the fun arguing) and seems really sincere and we have so many things in common. It became really obvious that he was into me and that I was getting interested in him and my friend had been trying to convince him that I would totally say yes if he's just ask, but he's still convinced there is no way I'll say yes. Things seemed to be going great, with the exception of him not asking me yet, until a few days ago. He apparently has a girlfriend that he's been with for a while and didn't tell me and happened to mention it to my friend. She tried to ask him wat the deal was with him messing with me since he's spoken for, but we think he's ignoring her calls and texts. But he still picks up the phone for me, which is odd since idk I'd think that he'd wanna avoid me too. He knows somethings bugging me and texted my friend wanting to know if I'm okay so idk. I want to confront him about this, but I don't think he knows that I know he's planning on asking me out. And then on top of all this, that best guy friend totally started acting weird... almost jealous. When he found out about this new guy (I hadn't gotten to tell him yet and he overheard me talking to someone about the guy), it was like he was trying to one up him or something and was like, "Do you actually LIKE him?" and just stuff like that. He knows I wouldn't date someone unless I did so idk y he's acting so weird, especially when I tried to ask what was up with him, or wat this guy's deal is cause he really seemed like he'd be a good guy until this came up. Can you explain ANY of this to me so maybe I can figure out what to do?
VictorM's advice:
As far as the first guy not having asked you out yet... many guys enjoy the journey more than they enjoy the destination. Maybe he'll ask you out, maybe he won't, but he's enjoying the gamesmanship. And he gets to keep his girlfriend. Life is good as is, why ask you out and risk spoiling it?
As far as the second guy... any guy coming into your life will take your attention away from him. Besides, guys are competitive in this way. He can't believe you actually like a creep that still has a girlfriend while talking to you. (I don't know that he knows all that, but if he finds out, he'll think you're losing your marbles).
By Natasha, 17:
I've been crazy about my best guy friend for a long time. After realizing that things aren't going to happen (at least not now certainly, he has things that he, as he said , needs to work out on his own.) I let myself heal and move on. I soon after I met, well actually re-met, this guy. We'd met a while ago and lost contact. He'd apparently asked my best friend for my # then never worked up the courage to call me. So we started talking again and my best friend told me every things he's been telling her, which is basically that he likes me and wants to ask me out really badly but is afraid I'm gonna say no. He calls me beautiful and just talks and argues with me (not in a bad way, like the fun arguing) and seems really sincere and we have so many things in common. It became really obvious that he was into me and that I was getting interested in him and my friend had been trying to convince him that I would totally say yes if he's just ask, but he's still convinced there is no way I'll say yes. Things seemed to be going great, with the exception of him not asking me yet, until a few days ago. He apparently has a girlfriend that he's been with for a while and didn't tell me and happened to mention it to my friend. She tried to ask him wat the deal was with him messing with me since he's spoken for, but we think he's ignoring her calls and texts. But he still picks up the phone for me, which is odd since idk I'd think that he'd wanna avoid me too. He knows somethings bugging me and texted my friend wanting to know if I'm okay so idk. I want to confront him about this, but I don't think he knows that I know he's planning on asking me out. And then on top of all this, that best guy friend totally started acting weird... almost jealous. When he found out about this new guy (I hadn't gotten to tell him yet and he overheard me talking to someone about the guy), it was like he was trying to one up him or something and was like, "Do you actually LIKE him?" and just stuff like that. He knows I wouldn't date someone unless I did so idk y he's acting so weird, especially when I tried to ask what was up with him, or wat this guy's deal is cause he really seemed like he'd be a good guy until this came up. Can you explain ANY of this to me so maybe I can figure out what to do?
VictorM's advice:
As far as the first guy not having asked you out yet... many guys enjoy the journey more than they enjoy the destination. Maybe he'll ask you out, maybe he won't, but he's enjoying the gamesmanship. And he gets to keep his girlfriend. Life is good as is, why ask you out and risk spoiling it?
As far as the second guy... any guy coming into your life will take your attention away from him. Besides, guys are competitive in this way. He can't believe you actually like a creep that still has a girlfriend while talking to you. (I don't know that he knows all that, but if he finds out, he'll think you're losing your marbles).
Friday, July 25, 2008
I met this guy online who is from France
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Tiffany, 18, from Mississippi:
Ok. I'm 18 and about to start college. I'm looking forward to the new experience and dating as well. But I met this guy online who is from France and apparently in love with me and has no problem coming to see me. I'm more afraid than nervous due to what i've seen about online relationships. We're apparently dating now...how do I tell him that this isn't just gonna work out due to the long distance and that it seems too good to be true?
VictorM's advice:
It seems to good to be true? How so? The guy is thousands of miles away! How is that good? No, this is not to good to be true.
And what do you mean by "apparently dating"? Are you letting yourself be cornered into a situation that you don't want to be? That's what it seems to me.
I understand that you're enjoying all the online attention and that your imagination is filling in the voids with dashes or perfection, but come on, for all you now this guy uses no deodorant, his breath smells like cheese, and he changes underwear when there's a full moon.
Tell him you enjoy talking to him and that you'd like to continue to do so, but that you're also looking forward to college life and dating. It's not the time in your life to settle for anyone. You want to enjoy other experiences.
Then spend less time online.
By Tiffany, 18, from Mississippi:
Ok. I'm 18 and about to start college. I'm looking forward to the new experience and dating as well. But I met this guy online who is from France and apparently in love with me and has no problem coming to see me. I'm more afraid than nervous due to what i've seen about online relationships. We're apparently dating now...how do I tell him that this isn't just gonna work out due to the long distance and that it seems too good to be true?
VictorM's advice:
It seems to good to be true? How so? The guy is thousands of miles away! How is that good? No, this is not to good to be true.
And what do you mean by "apparently dating"? Are you letting yourself be cornered into a situation that you don't want to be? That's what it seems to me.
I understand that you're enjoying all the online attention and that your imagination is filling in the voids with dashes or perfection, but come on, for all you now this guy uses no deodorant, his breath smells like cheese, and he changes underwear when there's a full moon.
Tell him you enjoy talking to him and that you'd like to continue to do so, but that you're also looking forward to college life and dating. It's not the time in your life to settle for anyone. You want to enjoy other experiences.
Then spend less time online.
We've been like brother and sister for two years now
Submitted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
By Bethany, 19, from Toronto:
I am in desperate need of practical advice. I have-- or HAD-- a guy best friend, and we've been like brother and sister for two years now, as in absolutely, don't-go-there platonic.
Well, last month, we were VERY intoxicated, and we ended up in bed. We were on the verge of going all the way when I realized what a bad idea it was and I said, "Wait, we have to stop." Then he said, "Get dressed, I don't want to think about what just happened."
After he brought me home that night, we stopped talking for the next couple of weeks. Finally, I swallowed my pride and called him up like I usually would, just to try to get things back to normal. When I asked him how he was and when we were going to hang out, he was somewhat cold and told me that he would see me some other time.
I've read your advice to girls who found themselves in similar situations, but my dilemma in this case is, how do I get my friend back? I want to make it clear that I have absolutely no romantic interest in him, and I'm actually worried that he might think that because of what happened, I like him THAT WAY. That's really not the case, I just want the friendship back. How do I make it clear to him that I still see him as my best guy friend, and that all I want is for things to get back to normal?
VictorM's advice:
Telling him you have no romantic feelings for him poses a problem because: a) maybe he does like you romantically, you just haven't noticed, and your confession (in his mind, rejection) will only drive him further away, or b) you'd be crushing his ego (even if he doesn't want you romantically, his ego will want you to want him). So, whatever you do, don't bring this topic.
Avoid discussions about that night and just keep trying to call him as you have in the past and plan similar types of activities as if nothing ever happened. It may take some time and a few tries, but the best way to get things back to normal is to act normal and the best way to get over the incident is to not bring up the incident. Do what you have always done and give him some time to sort out his thoughts.
But there are times when a certain event changes things forever. This maybe such a case.
By Bethany, 19, from Toronto:
I am in desperate need of practical advice. I have-- or HAD-- a guy best friend, and we've been like brother and sister for two years now, as in absolutely, don't-go-there platonic.
Well, last month, we were VERY intoxicated, and we ended up in bed. We were on the verge of going all the way when I realized what a bad idea it was and I said, "Wait, we have to stop." Then he said, "Get dressed, I don't want to think about what just happened."
After he brought me home that night, we stopped talking for the next couple of weeks. Finally, I swallowed my pride and called him up like I usually would, just to try to get things back to normal. When I asked him how he was and when we were going to hang out, he was somewhat cold and told me that he would see me some other time.
I've read your advice to girls who found themselves in similar situations, but my dilemma in this case is, how do I get my friend back? I want to make it clear that I have absolutely no romantic interest in him, and I'm actually worried that he might think that because of what happened, I like him THAT WAY. That's really not the case, I just want the friendship back. How do I make it clear to him that I still see him as my best guy friend, and that all I want is for things to get back to normal?
VictorM's advice:
Telling him you have no romantic feelings for him poses a problem because: a) maybe he does like you romantically, you just haven't noticed, and your confession (in his mind, rejection) will only drive him further away, or b) you'd be crushing his ego (even if he doesn't want you romantically, his ego will want you to want him). So, whatever you do, don't bring this topic.
Avoid discussions about that night and just keep trying to call him as you have in the past and plan similar types of activities as if nothing ever happened. It may take some time and a few tries, but the best way to get things back to normal is to act normal and the best way to get over the incident is to not bring up the incident. Do what you have always done and give him some time to sort out his thoughts.
But there are times when a certain event changes things forever. This maybe such a case.
He says that he's confused and isn't ready for a relationship
Submitted on Saturday, July 19, 2008
By Chesarae, 27, from Midway, AR:
I recently met this guy who I clicked with like I never have before. He saw me at an event and thought I was pretty and so he asked a mutual friend to set us up. I've been divorced for 2 years and he has only been split up from his fiancee for 6 months. I was concerned, but he said that it wasn't a rebound thing. We both have a lot in commom and seemed to be on the same page. We've both told each other that we really, really liked each other. He's been texting me all the time and has said that I make him happy. He's pretty much returned all my feelings. Today, however, he says that he's confused and isn't ready for a relationship. He says it isn't me, but him. He just suddenly realized that he's not over his ex even though he said he was. He also said he's sorry for upsetting me and just wanted to be honest which I appreciate. I have been extremely honest about my feelings and wonder if he's scared of it getting too intense too fast. I think us talking about past relationships may have also brought up old feelings. I don't understand how he claimed to feel one way and 12 hours later another. I am backing off and giving him space. What does all this mean and do you think there is any chance he may be interested again in the future?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest in you. Don't count on him coming back.
What happens is when a guy jumps into a relationship with so much enthusiasm he is on a high. A few weeks into the relationship, when he comes down to Earth, he sees things differently.
He didn't lie to you early on; he meant everything he said, but his interest in you just suddenly faded. One moment he thinks you're perfection and then, when the dust settles, you can't live up to that image. Happens frequently.
By Chesarae, 27, from Midway, AR:
I recently met this guy who I clicked with like I never have before. He saw me at an event and thought I was pretty and so he asked a mutual friend to set us up. I've been divorced for 2 years and he has only been split up from his fiancee for 6 months. I was concerned, but he said that it wasn't a rebound thing. We both have a lot in commom and seemed to be on the same page. We've both told each other that we really, really liked each other. He's been texting me all the time and has said that I make him happy. He's pretty much returned all my feelings. Today, however, he says that he's confused and isn't ready for a relationship. He says it isn't me, but him. He just suddenly realized that he's not over his ex even though he said he was. He also said he's sorry for upsetting me and just wanted to be honest which I appreciate. I have been extremely honest about my feelings and wonder if he's scared of it getting too intense too fast. I think us talking about past relationships may have also brought up old feelings. I don't understand how he claimed to feel one way and 12 hours later another. I am backing off and giving him space. What does all this mean and do you think there is any chance he may be interested again in the future?
VictorM's advice:
He lost interest in you. Don't count on him coming back.
What happens is when a guy jumps into a relationship with so much enthusiasm he is on a high. A few weeks into the relationship, when he comes down to Earth, he sees things differently.
He didn't lie to you early on; he meant everything he said, but his interest in you just suddenly faded. One moment he thinks you're perfection and then, when the dust settles, you can't live up to that image. Happens frequently.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
It was amazing
Submitted on Friday, July 18, 2008
By lorett, 20, from cleveland:
I dated this guy for two weeks. it was amazing. i dont know how but we clicked. he wanted to meet my parents and freinds. loved everyone. everyone told me you could see he really cared about me. on our end things moved very quickly physically. last time i saw him we had a normal night for us he kissed me and said hed call me on wedsneday. never did. he also signed me up for one of his softball teams paid for everything never told me when the gamne was on thursday. while we were together the few times i noticed if i was slightly late he would text asking if i was still coming. this came off as somewhat insecure to me. so did he use me for sex or is he scared? should i ask whats up or leave it alone?
VictorM's advice:
If he wanted you just for sex, wouldn't he still be having sex with you? Girls love to use this "he used me for sex" nonsense when you had sex because you chose to, didn't you?
Yeah, you should call him and ask what's up. I don't know if there's a legitimate reason for his behavior or not. Maybe there is. If there isn't, then he just got over you. It happens all the time, more so when the beginning is so intense.
By lorett, 20, from cleveland:
I dated this guy for two weeks. it was amazing. i dont know how but we clicked. he wanted to meet my parents and freinds. loved everyone. everyone told me you could see he really cared about me. on our end things moved very quickly physically. last time i saw him we had a normal night for us he kissed me and said hed call me on wedsneday. never did. he also signed me up for one of his softball teams paid for everything never told me when the gamne was on thursday. while we were together the few times i noticed if i was slightly late he would text asking if i was still coming. this came off as somewhat insecure to me. so did he use me for sex or is he scared? should i ask whats up or leave it alone?
VictorM's advice:
If he wanted you just for sex, wouldn't he still be having sex with you? Girls love to use this "he used me for sex" nonsense when you had sex because you chose to, didn't you?
Yeah, you should call him and ask what's up. I don't know if there's a legitimate reason for his behavior or not. Maybe there is. If there isn't, then he just got over you. It happens all the time, more so when the beginning is so intense.
I'm new and unexperienced
Submitted on Friday, July 18, 2008
By Hannah, 26, asks:
Hi, its Hannah from the HannahBanana submissions on the discussion forum. I am a 26 year old virgin ready to have sex with the guy, Dave, whom I've been dating for about a year. The thing is I'm new and unexperienced...and nervous too! I don't feel ready yet to do oral sex and I just wondered....what are other ways to please a man in sex without having to give a blowjob? (I know he likes oral, he has told me...I'm just not comfortable enough to do that yet)I want to please him and be good though. He knows Im a virgin. I might do oral eventually, but my first few times, I'm not even going to know what the heck I'm doing! Advice?
VictorM's advice:
Fancy meeting you here, Hannah. :)
Of course you'll know what to do; it's all instinct and following what feels good.
He doesn't need oral to feel good. Just start with touching. As long as he touches you and you touch him, you're on your way.
By Hannah, 26, asks:
Hi, its Hannah from the HannahBanana submissions on the discussion forum. I am a 26 year old virgin ready to have sex with the guy, Dave, whom I've been dating for about a year. The thing is I'm new and unexperienced...and nervous too! I don't feel ready yet to do oral sex and I just wondered....what are other ways to please a man in sex without having to give a blowjob? (I know he likes oral, he has told me...I'm just not comfortable enough to do that yet)I want to please him and be good though. He knows Im a virgin. I might do oral eventually, but my first few times, I'm not even going to know what the heck I'm doing! Advice?
VictorM's advice:
Fancy meeting you here, Hannah. :)
Of course you'll know what to do; it's all instinct and following what feels good.
He doesn't need oral to feel good. Just start with touching. As long as he touches you and you touch him, you're on your way.
He was freaked by how few guys I have slept with
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By Jenn, 29, from Anonymous:
You answered a question for a friend a few months back and it was right-on , so I figured I'd give this a try...
I dated this guy for about a month or so and we were really kind of intense--he was oddly expressive with personal thoughts, personal concerns, etc. Had an amazing spark between us. We never had sex, but came very close. It kind of fizzled in a weird way...My best guess is that we stopped seeing each other because he was freaked by how few guys I have slept with (thought that I would read way too much into it? I had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend). Anyway, he recently emailed me, asking me a lot of questions about what I was doing, how different things were going in my life, am I dating anyone, said he'd been dating someone for a couple of months and it was going well, and then continues on to ask me more questions! He had told me in the past that he couldn't just be friends with me because he's too attracted to me. My guy friends say that he's trying to make me jealous to try to get me to do something, but that just sounds strange! Is he still interested?!? If so, what does he expect that I'm going to do if he tells me that he's dating someone else?
VictorM's advice:
There isn't a mentally stable guy out there who would be turned off by you having too few lovers. If the opposite was true, if you had many lovers, I could see this turning off some guys, but too few? No way!
The mention of dating someone is a common tactic by guys to provoke a reaction and to solicit information from you. If he told you about his dating life, he's expecting you to tell him about yours. And he's hoping for a sign that you're disappointed with the news.
Is it possible that the way you two drifted away he has the feeling that you're the one that pushed him away?
Not having a better picture of why you drifted away, it's hard to tell if your guy friends are right. But if he can't be friends because you're too attractive, I can't imagine that his email is just a friendly gesture. I don't know his true motive, but it sounds to me like he's still interested in you.
I'm betting that he's thinking that you're the great one that got away and he wants another shot.
By Jenn, 29, from Anonymous:
You answered a question for a friend a few months back and it was right-on , so I figured I'd give this a try...
I dated this guy for about a month or so and we were really kind of intense--he was oddly expressive with personal thoughts, personal concerns, etc. Had an amazing spark between us. We never had sex, but came very close. It kind of fizzled in a weird way...My best guess is that we stopped seeing each other because he was freaked by how few guys I have slept with (thought that I would read way too much into it? I had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend). Anyway, he recently emailed me, asking me a lot of questions about what I was doing, how different things were going in my life, am I dating anyone, said he'd been dating someone for a couple of months and it was going well, and then continues on to ask me more questions! He had told me in the past that he couldn't just be friends with me because he's too attracted to me. My guy friends say that he's trying to make me jealous to try to get me to do something, but that just sounds strange! Is he still interested?!? If so, what does he expect that I'm going to do if he tells me that he's dating someone else?
VictorM's advice:
There isn't a mentally stable guy out there who would be turned off by you having too few lovers. If the opposite was true, if you had many lovers, I could see this turning off some guys, but too few? No way!
The mention of dating someone is a common tactic by guys to provoke a reaction and to solicit information from you. If he told you about his dating life, he's expecting you to tell him about yours. And he's hoping for a sign that you're disappointed with the news.
Is it possible that the way you two drifted away he has the feeling that you're the one that pushed him away?
Not having a better picture of why you drifted away, it's hard to tell if your guy friends are right. But if he can't be friends because you're too attractive, I can't imagine that his email is just a friendly gesture. I don't know his true motive, but it sounds to me like he's still interested in you.
I'm betting that he's thinking that you're the great one that got away and he wants another shot.
I have been playing it kind of cool
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By Jane, 22, from USA:
There's this guy i kind of liked. I have been playing it kind of cool, you know not texting him, not really flirting with him or anything, mainly because i don't want to get hurt, (and also because i have some major doubts about him). This is because i am pretty sure that he is not over his ex (even though she now lives in an entirely different country). For a while i thought that he liked me, he would do things like tuck my hair behind my ears and say 'let me see that beautiful face', and would come round and hang out etc. We went out drinking with some friends the other night, and things seemeed to go really well, you know, he seemed interested and even after the other friends left we still stayed out, but the thing is that after the weekend he updated his relationship status to down for whatever, and wrote something about how do you know if you have met the right girl etc. so im guessing that there never was any interest? that i'm imagining it?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he's interested in you or not, but jumping to any conclusions from what you stated makes no sense at all to me. None of it reflects on what he might or might not think of you. I think you're just letting your super protective guard cloud your judgment.
By Jane, 22, from USA:
There's this guy i kind of liked. I have been playing it kind of cool, you know not texting him, not really flirting with him or anything, mainly because i don't want to get hurt, (and also because i have some major doubts about him). This is because i am pretty sure that he is not over his ex (even though she now lives in an entirely different country). For a while i thought that he liked me, he would do things like tuck my hair behind my ears and say 'let me see that beautiful face', and would come round and hang out etc. We went out drinking with some friends the other night, and things seemeed to go really well, you know, he seemed interested and even after the other friends left we still stayed out, but the thing is that after the weekend he updated his relationship status to down for whatever, and wrote something about how do you know if you have met the right girl etc. so im guessing that there never was any interest? that i'm imagining it?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he's interested in you or not, but jumping to any conclusions from what you stated makes no sense at all to me. None of it reflects on what he might or might not think of you. I think you're just letting your super protective guard cloud your judgment.
To make love to you
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By Jessica, 19, from Long Island, New York:
Do guys have to be in love with you to make love to you?
VictorM's advice:
Not even remotely. We don't even have to like you. A bet, or simply you're the only one there willing, is reason enough. And if alcohol is involved, even Miss Piggy isn't safe.
By Jessica, 19, from Long Island, New York:
Do guys have to be in love with you to make love to you?
VictorM's advice:
Not even remotely. We don't even have to like you. A bet, or simply you're the only one there willing, is reason enough. And if alcohol is involved, even Miss Piggy isn't safe.
What’s a girl supposed to do?
Submitted on Thursday, July 17, 2008
By lynda, 17, from texas:
Hey Victor! I’m so freakin' nervous... why??? I’m going home in 10 days (it’s been 3 weeks)! While I’ve been gone, my guy friend & I have been communicating daily & we’re progressing. But, I am so afraid my expectations are...well heck, I don't know what my expectations are! It feels like he's really into me but I just don't know for sure. Everything points that way except he doesn't say ANYTHING to confirm he feels that way. The only thing I do know…is that we’re great friends.
I really believe in my heart that our friendship is way more important than dating each other and while I don't want to ruin it, I can't help but get butterflies when I think of the possibility of “us.” How corny is that? Just yesterday, I told him I was going to kidnap him when I got back. He was very interested and actually flirty about it. ;)
I guess I don’t want to look/feel foolish when all along he’s just been thinking “FRIENDS” and I have been taking it as “MORE.” Man, that would totally suck. The thing is, I can’t and won’t say anything to him about it for now. But, oh gosh, what’s a girl supposed to do? And tell me, is it as hard being a guy in these situations as it is being a girl?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not hard for guys. My guess is that he's having a great time with all of this and isn't losing any sleep over it.
Whether he's thinking "more" or not -- I bet that like you, he is -- he will wait and take his time. For guys, the journey is as much fun as the destination.
By lynda, 17, from texas:
Hey Victor! I’m so freakin' nervous... why??? I’m going home in 10 days (it’s been 3 weeks)! While I’ve been gone, my guy friend & I have been communicating daily & we’re progressing. But, I am so afraid my expectations are...well heck, I don't know what my expectations are! It feels like he's really into me but I just don't know for sure. Everything points that way except he doesn't say ANYTHING to confirm he feels that way. The only thing I do know…is that we’re great friends.
I really believe in my heart that our friendship is way more important than dating each other and while I don't want to ruin it, I can't help but get butterflies when I think of the possibility of “us.” How corny is that? Just yesterday, I told him I was going to kidnap him when I got back. He was very interested and actually flirty about it. ;)
I guess I don’t want to look/feel foolish when all along he’s just been thinking “FRIENDS” and I have been taking it as “MORE.” Man, that would totally suck. The thing is, I can’t and won’t say anything to him about it for now. But, oh gosh, what’s a girl supposed to do? And tell me, is it as hard being a guy in these situations as it is being a girl?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not hard for guys. My guess is that he's having a great time with all of this and isn't losing any sleep over it.
Whether he's thinking "more" or not -- I bet that like you, he is -- he will wait and take his time. For guys, the journey is as much fun as the destination.
Inappropriate
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Les, 25, from NY:
Victor, I have a follow up question to your response to Marie K a couple of days ago. You said that sometimes guys like it when girls throw caution to the wind and might make him more interested later on.
I met this guy about a month and a half ago, and I really like spending time with him. However, I'm the type of person who likes to contact someone every day by phone calls, text message, go out and do stuff on a regular basis every couple of days, use terms of endearment, etc. I think he likes me too. At least he's said that he likes spending time with me, enjoys my company, finds me attractive, although he has never said "i like you". Also, he doesnt seem like he's the kind of guy who's into all of the things I've described above.
I just kind of want to go forward with it and maybe take the lead for a bit until he gets the hint. But on the other hand, I've always been taught that it's inappropriate for me, as the girl, to be suggesting dates and initiating conversations this early on, when we're still "casual dating", I'm suppose to play hard to get, you know? But I don't want to lose this guy and not get what I want over social mores, so what do you think I should do? Play the girl or throw caution to wind?
VictorM's advice:
I can't answer for why others suggest "playing hard to get," but when I do it, it has nothing at all to do with the girl taking the initiative being inappropriate or socially unacceptable. I suggest playing hard simply because it's more effective with guys since guys like challenges and a sense of conquest. By stretching their pursuit of you out, it gives guys more time to learn more about you. And this is important for this reason: guys generally get attracted to girls for their physical attributes. If a guy has satisfied his curiosity about you before he establishes some kind of roots, it's very easy to be turned-off by the smallest of defects. But once deeper roots are established, you stand a better chance of success.
If you phone this guy, text, and are on his face daily, there's a better chance you will lose him than if you wait and let him chase you. But... if you don't agree, by all means invite him out. There's nothing inappropriate about it.
By Les, 25, from NY:
Victor, I have a follow up question to your response to Marie K a couple of days ago. You said that sometimes guys like it when girls throw caution to the wind and might make him more interested later on.
I met this guy about a month and a half ago, and I really like spending time with him. However, I'm the type of person who likes to contact someone every day by phone calls, text message, go out and do stuff on a regular basis every couple of days, use terms of endearment, etc. I think he likes me too. At least he's said that he likes spending time with me, enjoys my company, finds me attractive, although he has never said "i like you". Also, he doesnt seem like he's the kind of guy who's into all of the things I've described above.
I just kind of want to go forward with it and maybe take the lead for a bit until he gets the hint. But on the other hand, I've always been taught that it's inappropriate for me, as the girl, to be suggesting dates and initiating conversations this early on, when we're still "casual dating", I'm suppose to play hard to get, you know? But I don't want to lose this guy and not get what I want over social mores, so what do you think I should do? Play the girl or throw caution to wind?
VictorM's advice:
I can't answer for why others suggest "playing hard to get," but when I do it, it has nothing at all to do with the girl taking the initiative being inappropriate or socially unacceptable. I suggest playing hard simply because it's more effective with guys since guys like challenges and a sense of conquest. By stretching their pursuit of you out, it gives guys more time to learn more about you. And this is important for this reason: guys generally get attracted to girls for their physical attributes. If a guy has satisfied his curiosity about you before he establishes some kind of roots, it's very easy to be turned-off by the smallest of defects. But once deeper roots are established, you stand a better chance of success.
If you phone this guy, text, and are on his face daily, there's a better chance you will lose him than if you wait and let him chase you. But... if you don't agree, by all means invite him out. There's nothing inappropriate about it.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
He hasn't asked me out yet
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Dijah, 16, from hawthorne:
This guy likes me and he knows I like him but he hasn't asked me out yet we started texting at the end of the school year and we been texting every since I want to know if I should ask him out or just stop texting him and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
Nah, don't ask him out. He's doing the typical guy thing of getting to know you better before making a move. Just sit back and be patient.
By Dijah, 16, from hawthorne:
This guy likes me and he knows I like him but he hasn't asked me out yet we started texting at the end of the school year and we been texting every since I want to know if I should ask him out or just stop texting him and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
Nah, don't ask him out. He's doing the typical guy thing of getting to know you better before making a move. Just sit back and be patient.
He is taking strides backwards
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Lara, 24, from Texas:
I have been in a relationship barely under one year. (I have had a four year relationship prior to this and feel like we are right on track for the most part) I truly adore him and love him immensely. We met and things just flew by. We moved in together after six months and talked of marriage for the entire time. I was open about not being ready. I have a wonderful relationship with his family and especially with my own. I come from a long line of zero divorce in my family so I am not quick to jump the gun. I believe when I make that commitment I will then be ready to bare the peaks and valleys that come with it. He is a very pampered 26 year-old and has began to realize things about life that I had years ago. Such as: the world is confusing, a lot of time nothing makes sense, having faith in the things that are in your control and out of your control is the best way to live, you can't blame everyone else for your shortcomings, etc. etc. I am grateful we didn't jump into marriage. However, he is taking strides backwards now and part of me believes that is why I am holding on tighter than ever. He's not ready for marriage and neither am I, but it was easier to feel this way when he didn't feel this way too. He is having insecurities about being able to provide for a family, which in my mind is way down the line. Are all of these feelings code for 'I never want to be married' - I have always believed that guys are pretty surface level and that perhaps slowing things down and breathing as a happy, young couple is what is best. Is there any advice for two people who are still in school, making lives for themselves, learning about life all while living together other than 'patience is a virtue?' Is the reflection of my doubt from him causing my insecurity? Is it my ego that is really having the issues? I should close this with, he wants us to stay as is and enjoy each other, and be carefree. I had been trying to get him to admit he was not ready for marriage either and it was really hard on him when he let this out and admitted how confused he was about the world (but apparently not about his feelings for me).
VictorM's advice:
Him worrying about providing for a family is not code for not wanting to get married. I think it's exactly the opposite of it. If there is one thing that most responsible man worry the most about starting a family is exactly that question. It's actually a good sign that he worries. Let him do it; it's a sign of him maturing and thinking of issues further down the road. It's a guy thing. Let him own that responsibility -- it makes him feel more like a man to do so. And that's a good thing.
Stop pushing him hard to admit anything. Feelings and thoughts should be discussed as a natural course of open communications. If you push for a specific outcome, you may get it just because he gets tired of talking about it and admitting what you want to hear gets you off his back. It really is not a good approach. Sometimes guys need more time to reach a certain conclusion because we don't do the level of self-analysis that women do, but given extra time, guys can reach an honest assessment on their own.
Other than that, everything about your submission sounds like you're in good shape. Just enjoy him and the relationship.
By Lara, 24, from Texas:
I have been in a relationship barely under one year. (I have had a four year relationship prior to this and feel like we are right on track for the most part) I truly adore him and love him immensely. We met and things just flew by. We moved in together after six months and talked of marriage for the entire time. I was open about not being ready. I have a wonderful relationship with his family and especially with my own. I come from a long line of zero divorce in my family so I am not quick to jump the gun. I believe when I make that commitment I will then be ready to bare the peaks and valleys that come with it. He is a very pampered 26 year-old and has began to realize things about life that I had years ago. Such as: the world is confusing, a lot of time nothing makes sense, having faith in the things that are in your control and out of your control is the best way to live, you can't blame everyone else for your shortcomings, etc. etc. I am grateful we didn't jump into marriage. However, he is taking strides backwards now and part of me believes that is why I am holding on tighter than ever. He's not ready for marriage and neither am I, but it was easier to feel this way when he didn't feel this way too. He is having insecurities about being able to provide for a family, which in my mind is way down the line. Are all of these feelings code for 'I never want to be married' - I have always believed that guys are pretty surface level and that perhaps slowing things down and breathing as a happy, young couple is what is best. Is there any advice for two people who are still in school, making lives for themselves, learning about life all while living together other than 'patience is a virtue?' Is the reflection of my doubt from him causing my insecurity? Is it my ego that is really having the issues? I should close this with, he wants us to stay as is and enjoy each other, and be carefree. I had been trying to get him to admit he was not ready for marriage either and it was really hard on him when he let this out and admitted how confused he was about the world (but apparently not about his feelings for me).
VictorM's advice:
Him worrying about providing for a family is not code for not wanting to get married. I think it's exactly the opposite of it. If there is one thing that most responsible man worry the most about starting a family is exactly that question. It's actually a good sign that he worries. Let him do it; it's a sign of him maturing and thinking of issues further down the road. It's a guy thing. Let him own that responsibility -- it makes him feel more like a man to do so. And that's a good thing.
Stop pushing him hard to admit anything. Feelings and thoughts should be discussed as a natural course of open communications. If you push for a specific outcome, you may get it just because he gets tired of talking about it and admitting what you want to hear gets you off his back. It really is not a good approach. Sometimes guys need more time to reach a certain conclusion because we don't do the level of self-analysis that women do, but given extra time, guys can reach an honest assessment on their own.
Other than that, everything about your submission sounds like you're in good shape. Just enjoy him and the relationship.
I burned my corneas
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By Alayna, 21, from Newcastle:
Met a guy at a club on Sat, hit off really well but then my 2 friends were so pissed drunk and sick, I had to get them home. We said bye but didn't exchange numbers, I fancy him a lot so I burned my corneas finding him on facebook to contact him. I've found him but now I don't know what to say. I think he is pretty shy himself. I'd like to know him better but how?
VictorM's advice:
If he was as impressed with you as you are with him, he could care less what you say. So say anything, something as simple as "Hi, This is Alayna. We met at [name of place] last Saturday. I had a really nice time. Are you planning to go back there anytime soon?"
This invites him to say when he'll be there and you two can meet again.
By Alayna, 21, from Newcastle:
Met a guy at a club on Sat, hit off really well but then my 2 friends were so pissed drunk and sick, I had to get them home. We said bye but didn't exchange numbers, I fancy him a lot so I burned my corneas finding him on facebook to contact him. I've found him but now I don't know what to say. I think he is pretty shy himself. I'd like to know him better but how?
VictorM's advice:
If he was as impressed with you as you are with him, he could care less what you say. So say anything, something as simple as "Hi, This is Alayna. We met at [name of place] last Saturday. I had a really nice time. Are you planning to go back there anytime soon?"
This invites him to say when he'll be there and you two can meet again.
He's not just your average bear
Submitted on Wednesday, July 16, 2008
By cosmo, 48, from minnesota:
hello! I find your answers interesting and have a question for you. I find myself in a situation where I really care for a man (51 lives two hours away and has a 13 yr old daughter who stays with him some weekends.) He has decided he doesn't want to be with me again and again but he always comes back and wants to be with me...it has been a miserable back and forth. When we are together it is great...I mean great. And..he is the kind of guy I've looked for all my life...not just your average bear...has a Master's degree like me, etc... He has been through two divorces with each marriage lasting over ten years.
The strange thing has been that we would spend a weekend together and have a great time and there would obviously be a lot of energy between us and nothing negative and lots of laughter and enjoyment and good conversation...but then two days later after he returns home I get a fearful email that basically says ..."this is not going to work, sorry,....".. he disappears for a while, will not talk about it and then reappears a few weeks later and begins writing again short emails and wanting to just be friends.
The guy is a very sensitive somewhat shy man. At first I was really hurt. Then I tried not to take it personal and just realized he is afraid. I like him a lot so I would stay friends and write him on email. I had strong feelings for him and so I also was under the illusion he might come back...and he did over and over and over....but the same kind of email or conversation would always follow after a great weekend together and he would not talk it out.
My girlfriends say he was using me and lying..probably had a gal up North and probably just breaks up after the weekend so he's free up there to date others. He's on that match.com thing and we can see that he stays on it. He claims that it is just a "bad habit" and he doesn't really date any of them but writes some of them.
He's a counselor with a Master's and he is in a recovery program and should know better than to disrespect a woman and play around....and I want to believe he is an honest man... but perhaps I'm being Polyanna. Is this a common pattern that I've been lucky enough not to encounter in the good men I've been with in the past?? or does this guy just sound scared to death to you like he does me. and has a serious problem with the real deal...wants to find a woman he can stay more distant from. I see right through him and i think it scares the hell out of him.
Currently he's on the off and I have told him a few months ago that the back and forth was killin me. I challenged his behaviors and said I think he is a wonderful man and I love being with him but that he seems to be afraid of a real relationship and not want to get off of match and be focused on one woman....and that I had to focus elsewhere but would stay his friend. We've written since then and not seen each other. interestingly, while i've been able to make the shift to seeing him as a friend even though there are still feelings there....he can't seem to do it and it seems like now we are going to stop writing, etc.
any insights would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Fear is not the issue; the real issue is one that you're blindly avoiding: he's not into you as a relationship kinda woman. Sure, he enjoys your company, you're fun, he likes being with you from time to time, but you don't set his loins of fire. It's just that simple.
He may very well be telling the truth about not dating women from match.com, but he continues to look because whatever he's seeking, he didn't find in you.
Staying friends with someone you have feelings but those feelings are not reciprocated is a mistake. If and when he finds the woman he's looking for, you'll feel nothing but pain and disappointment. Meanwhile... he may be back again, but he won't stay.
And your friends are wrong about him using you. He's been clear with you about what he wants. You see him over and over of your own free will. In fact, one may argue that you're the one using him, hoping that allowing him back into your life will make him stay. At least when he spends time with you, he has no ulterior motive; you do.
By cosmo, 48, from minnesota:
hello! I find your answers interesting and have a question for you. I find myself in a situation where I really care for a man (51 lives two hours away and has a 13 yr old daughter who stays with him some weekends.) He has decided he doesn't want to be with me again and again but he always comes back and wants to be with me...it has been a miserable back and forth. When we are together it is great...I mean great. And..he is the kind of guy I've looked for all my life...not just your average bear...has a Master's degree like me, etc... He has been through two divorces with each marriage lasting over ten years.
The strange thing has been that we would spend a weekend together and have a great time and there would obviously be a lot of energy between us and nothing negative and lots of laughter and enjoyment and good conversation...but then two days later after he returns home I get a fearful email that basically says ..."this is not going to work, sorry,....".. he disappears for a while, will not talk about it and then reappears a few weeks later and begins writing again short emails and wanting to just be friends.
The guy is a very sensitive somewhat shy man. At first I was really hurt. Then I tried not to take it personal and just realized he is afraid. I like him a lot so I would stay friends and write him on email. I had strong feelings for him and so I also was under the illusion he might come back...and he did over and over and over....but the same kind of email or conversation would always follow after a great weekend together and he would not talk it out.
My girlfriends say he was using me and lying..probably had a gal up North and probably just breaks up after the weekend so he's free up there to date others. He's on that match.com thing and we can see that he stays on it. He claims that it is just a "bad habit" and he doesn't really date any of them but writes some of them.
He's a counselor with a Master's and he is in a recovery program and should know better than to disrespect a woman and play around....and I want to believe he is an honest man... but perhaps I'm being Polyanna. Is this a common pattern that I've been lucky enough not to encounter in the good men I've been with in the past?? or does this guy just sound scared to death to you like he does me. and has a serious problem with the real deal...wants to find a woman he can stay more distant from. I see right through him and i think it scares the hell out of him.
Currently he's on the off and I have told him a few months ago that the back and forth was killin me. I challenged his behaviors and said I think he is a wonderful man and I love being with him but that he seems to be afraid of a real relationship and not want to get off of match and be focused on one woman....and that I had to focus elsewhere but would stay his friend. We've written since then and not seen each other. interestingly, while i've been able to make the shift to seeing him as a friend even though there are still feelings there....he can't seem to do it and it seems like now we are going to stop writing, etc.
any insights would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Fear is not the issue; the real issue is one that you're blindly avoiding: he's not into you as a relationship kinda woman. Sure, he enjoys your company, you're fun, he likes being with you from time to time, but you don't set his loins of fire. It's just that simple.
He may very well be telling the truth about not dating women from match.com, but he continues to look because whatever he's seeking, he didn't find in you.
Staying friends with someone you have feelings but those feelings are not reciprocated is a mistake. If and when he finds the woman he's looking for, you'll feel nothing but pain and disappointment. Meanwhile... he may be back again, but he won't stay.
And your friends are wrong about him using you. He's been clear with you about what he wants. You see him over and over of your own free will. In fact, one may argue that you're the one using him, hoping that allowing him back into your life will make him stay. At least when he spends time with you, he has no ulterior motive; you do.