Oh and all he wants is blow jobs. He seems hesistant to have sex now. What is up with that?

VictorM'a advice:

First, 4 years difference is nothing. Really, get over it! It's his maturity level that you should worry about.

Second, your boyfriend is a freaking baby! "He has never been hurt like that" because you're not ready to introduce him to your parents? What a cry baby. And he "gave you time to prove how much you love him"? That's such a childish thing to say. And you "should deal with the coldness"? As if coldness ever solved anything. Are you sure he's only 4 years younger and not 14?

Third, since you don't seem determined to just yell at him "GROW THE FUCK UP, CRYBABY!", which is what he needs to hear, what I suggest you do to appease this child is to say the magic words: "I was wrong. You were right. I'm so sorry." But then I advise you strongly to walk away and stop making a fuss over him. If you continue to allow his coldness, you'll forever be kissing his ass. Instead, by humbling apologizing and walking away, you transfer to him the guilt of having to make things better again.

As for him wanting blow jobs only... well, a blow job is much less personal than intercourse. It's probably the cheapest act in a hooker's price list. Sounds like he's managed to make you his whore, if you're doing it just because that's all he wants. If you continue to succumb to this request, well, maybe you deserve this cry baby after all.

I could really use your advise here... It's been a year and a couple of months now since I've started dating my boyfriend and truth is, inspite of the problems that may get in the way, I really love him and he feels the same way about me.

The thing is that I've never been very "opened" to show my affection and to let someone know I care. I think I changed a little but my boyfriend tells me he doesn't feel important, that I don't make him feel important or unique. He's too jealous and I'm just a little jealous, he says I'm too cold sometimes or that I don't do or say anything unless he does it first.

Bottomline is: I don't make him feel special. I do tell him "I love you" all the time and kiss him and all that but I wish there was another way to LET HIM FEEL that he's the most important thing. He does that. He makes me feel I'm priority no. 1 and takes care of me like no one else. I just wish there was a way I could do the same for him because he really deserves it...
Thanks for reading!

VictorM's advice:

Mariana! I thought you had abandoned me. Good to know you're still around.

I'm going to submit to you that you do make him feel special. Here's my logic: as I say over and over on this page, men love a challenge. That's why they can be very attentive when they are trying to seduce a woman but once they succeed and the challenge goes away, they get lazy. I think you make him feel special because you are a challenge to him. This is part of the reason he makes you priority number one -- because he's not totally sure he's gotten you 100%. For my money, you should stay this way for a lifetime. Let him complain about you not making him feel special. The more he feels that you, the longer you'll stay his number one priority.

But... since I suspect you won't believe me and will want to spoil him, remember that guys are very physical beings and their ego must be what gets attention. Feelings and emotions don't do much for guys. It's nice that you say "I love you", or things like "I'm thinking of you", but that does not make a guy feel special. What does? (Come on, regular readers, say it with me): Simple, sincere compliments.

"Diego, your ass looks great in those pants", "You look so good in that shirt, Diego", "Oh my Diego, you turn me on so much when you talk about [topic]", "Diego, you smell so good", "You really make me laugh, Diego". etc. (I use the name Diego because I think all Argentinian boys born after the 80's are named after the great one, no?) Notice that all sentences I use as examples start with "you", not with "I". Don't say "I love how you smell." That makes the thought about you. It has to be all about him... about his body, his intellect, his sense of humor, his sexiness.

I say it again: no feelings and no emotions (he'll want to hear those as well, so don't stop saying "I love you") but to make him feel special give him compliments and make them simple, make them sincere, and make them about him, not you.

(PS. Saw the Argentina vs USA game in New York on June 8. It was the hottest and most humid day ever, but the stadium was sold out (more than 79,000) and the game was entertaining. Argentina could have scored a few goals in the first half but our goalkeeper kept us in the game, and in the second half, in part because Argentina rested players, the USA made a game of it. The crowd was fantastic -- very enthusiastic and noisy. Lots of blue and white jerseys all over. I loved every minute of it. And seeing Messi in person was very special.)

"So Look heres the scoop. I sat down last night and decided i cant have a girl in my life right now as an emotional attatchment. I'm tryign to get my career on track. It's not you. It's me. I still wanna be friends because i do love you. I Just need to focus on a few things that i commited myself to before i commite to anything else. I wanna do stuff right. I Love you, and i hope you understand. Hopefully in a month or 2 this will change. I really hope that and i'm gonna work on it. I Love you, and i still wanna hang out sometime, i just dont wanna be anything more than freinds."

VictorM's advice:

Translation: I'm not into you anymore but I don't want to burn any bridges just in case this is a passing phase and I don't want to be seen as the bad guy. I'm not in love with you anymore but I still think you're a neat person and I hope we stay civil with each other as this relationship ends.

Thanks !

VictorM's advice:

Wanting anal sex has nothing at all to do with you not being good enough. Not at all.

Anal sex is very popular these days because porn has made it so. Guys see it, the porn models all seem to enjoy it (the operative word there being "seem"), and guys get ideas from that. There are other appeals to anal sex, such as: it has a sense of naughtiness about it that enhances the excitement of sex, it feels tighter than the vagina and many guys like that sensation, and it won't get the girl pregnant.

Thanks Victor!!!

VictorM's advice:

"I don't want to appear to be too eager to compliment" - Seriously, it's never too early to compliment him! Guys go through life without compliments because most women have attitudes such as yours. Change that! Guys are so starving for compliments that if you use them, man will flock to your feet. (By the way, you had me at your "of course" about my "terrific advice"). The same goes for showing interest in his activities, his passions, his areas of knowledge.

Don't believe me? Just try it with other guys... your mechanic, the bakery guy, the janitor, your coworkers... simple and sincere compliments will make you the most popular woman in the neighborhood.

for 2 whole straight weeks, he tells me he's been "Busy" with everything. so i visit on a monday, and see a girl's hair tie on his wrist... but i didn't mind... a week later, it's still there?? So i visit again he was trying to have sex with me and started talkin to me about me gettin "attached".. and he said doesn't want me visiting him as much becuz he always wants to have sex and he doesn't wanna "hurt me"......i was suddenly confused because he stated himself we're "together" and has told our friends he is my BOYFRIEND, and i am his GIRLFRIEND.

ANYWAY.... i told him we needed to talk in a quieter place about that "attachment" issue......(cuz the livin room is too noisy)...so then i told him "HIS ROOM" is a good place, he was like "no, there's too much SHIT in there."
and he kept sayin NO NO NO... and i Walked in his room.

And you know what i find??

UNDERWEAR, corsets, women's CLOTHING on his bed. I CRIED and RAN OUT....i was soo hurt.. he chased after me trying to "explain" ... but i didn't wanna hear it.... So, I walk on just crying, and from what I heard, my friends told me that my boyfriend kept goin in and out of the house looking for me. This one stranger let me use his phone to call my girlfriend to get me.... My boyfriend/ex/i don't know overhears the conversation, and DRIVES to my location starts cussin at me telling me that those clothes were his "girl" -friends clothes, and she needed a place to put it because she had no where else to put it, her car broke down.

he was MAD. I was MAD. So.... I yelled at him REAL LOUD that night. i embarassed the FUCK out of him. i said a lot of TRUE SHIT about him, and i didn't give a FUCK. it literally KILLED his ego... that's how BAD I was yelling at him and saying all these things that didn't concern anyone else, just to make up for me being hurt and "freaked out". A lot of people were there to hear it.

Later on that night, he kept calling my cellphone. I didn't answer. Then LATE at night....we talked about what happened THAT NIGHT and tried to fix things....and as for the wrist thing (hairtie) he said he's just used to having a watch or bracelet there, and he found the tie off the ship and started wearing it. then he said "i'm taking it off okay? here, taking off this hair tie that has NO MEANING and throwing it...you feel better now?".... and blah blah blah... He still remains mad at me..... and then TODAY, he tells me we are better off as friends, and he doesn't know if HE can get over this.

And then he left the conversation with this: HE does NOT want me to TALK or LIKE any of "his" friends, anyone he WORKS with, or ANYONE in the navy (he's in the navy by the way).

WHY is this? Since i'm not his girlfriend? He seemed even more pissed off when I said that.
I told him that he's possessive, he said, "God Damn right".

and can you BELIEVE IT?! He told me he doesn't want a relationship for whatever reason, and that if I'm feeling "horny", he'll be there.

He totally and completely changed. What do I do NOW?

VictorM's advice:

What you do NOW is this:

-- You allow yourself some time to feel bad that you have been lied and cheated on;
-- You convince yourself that he's been lying and cheating on you;
-- You find fun things to do with your female friends, you go out to new places, buy new clothes, change your hairstyle... whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself
-- and you spend your energies finding a new guy.

But you won't do that. I know it. How do I know that? Because when he said he doesn't want you going out with certain guys you didn't set his testicles on fire and told him to go fuck himself in the ass with a sharp pencil! Just as your ranting and screaming suggests, you're all bark and no bite. In no time, you'll be kissing his ass, like a worthless girl who is too dependent on her proven asshole boyfriend. You're probably even starting to believe the female clothes really are his friend's.

Or, you could prove me wrong!

We were on again off again for a year, I was hurt bad but since we've been apart I'm a much stronger person now. I had become very weak and got hurt easily and that's pretty much what broke us up for good. Since then I've been focusing on myself and I am much stronger now.

We weren't really talking for a while, he got a new girlfriend, and when he broke up with her we started talking more on myspace. I tried to make him feel better when he felt bad about hurting her, I felt like it would help to hear from someone he's hurt in the past and to know that I'm ok now and I don't hate him. I think he appreciated that.

We emailed a bit the rest of the week, keeping it light, though I seemed to be the one initiating it. It felt good cause he wasn't talking to me for awhile. Then last Saturday he texted me at 2:30 in the morning asking me if I was up. I asked if something was wrong and he said it's just been awhile... since I've had great sex. He was obviously drunk.

I told him to get some sleep, he tried a few more times and I told him no. We've still been emailing, still keeping it light. When I brought up the texts he said he wasn't that drunk, just feeling good and horny as hell.

It has been on my mind this whole week. I've never had sex like that in my life. We were amazing in bed. Part of me really wants to but I don't want to risk becoming that hurt girl again. I don't want a relationship right now, I'm enjoying being single and focusing on myself... though I would like to think that someday we could be together again.

For right now what I really want is to be able to hang out with him. I would not feel comfortable hopping into bed with him without seeing him this long, I just want to be able to hang out with him and see how I feel then. I just really don't know how to ask him. He hasn't tried to sleep with me again since then and I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding desperate. Any ideas?

VictorM's advice:

I think you're asking me because you know very well that asking him to "hang out" is a short step away from him "feeling good and horny as hell" right away. This makes me wonder if there really is anything keeping him interested in you but sex.

The "friends with benefits" suggestion that you are making -- and if I read you correctly, that's what you have in mind -- requires no strength. In fact, it's only a sign of weakness.

You say you are a stronger woman now. OK, prove it: focus on finding a man who will contact you for reasons other than feeling "horny as hell" and with whom you can find a happy future. And if you find him, the sex will be great with him too.

This guy and I started seeing each other but not in public. He said we should not let people from church know right away. It has remained this way. We have distanced ourselves from each other on and off. Usually he initiates the on/off switch. I always go through hurt quietly, but leave him alone. Then he comes back and I never mention what happened before or set new expectations that would benefit me. I always think it's going to be different. Recently he initiated wanting to get close to me again and I felt into the same stupid trap. Approximately two weeks and a half ago, while we were again talking and kind of clse, he wanted to meet me after church to spend time with me (By the way, in church he barely talks to me or looks at me when there are other people around).

I told him that I couldn't because I needed to do something else. He told me well, If you change your mind, Ill be there. I left ahead of him and as I was driving I decided to meet him just for a little while where he said. When he showed up I told him that I couldn't stay, but that I felt bad that he would go and not find me there. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me again, "Are you sure you have to go?" I said, "Yes". Well, I left. That night he sent me a funny e-mail message. The following day I called him. When he finally called me he was barely talking and I was having to carry most of the conversation. That night I said to myself, "I've had it." I'm not going to call him again. Well, It's been almost three weeks, as I mentioned earlier, and he has not picked up the phone to call me. I see him in church and try to smile and act normal. About one-week and a half ago. He seemed (but it may just be in my imagination)that he tried to get a little close to me again, but waiting, in a way, for me to initiate an invitation to our usual meeting place. I did not, eventhough it was hard for me. However, I did ask him, "are you mad at me." He said no and I just said bye.

What do you think about all of this? Do you think that he will try to warm-up to me again after this most recent estrangement? I want him to because I really miss him,but I want it to be under my own terms this time. I cannot take it anymore the way that I have allowed him to treat me for so long.

Also, he is the director of one of the music programs in church, which I am one of its members. Should I continue attending this music group making believe that I am not hurting, or should I just stop going?

Look If he would have treated me like a decent person that I am and at least talked to me in church in front of others, even if not as a girlfriend, I might not feel as bad about this. Victor, please help me. Give me lots of insight and enlightment.

In a way I wish that he would come back trying to get back with me and I had the strength to tell him that it's too late. But my brother tells me that I should not even think about this type of "getting back" at someone behavior. He supposedly was my best friend for a few years before this whole nightmare started, which is why it is also so difficult for me. I have so many mixed feelings. And it is so hard to see him week after week in church. And also hard to stop going to this church where I have some activities and friends. I want to be able to smile again and not care about him.

VictorM's advice:

Marissa, everything you say about him suggests he thinks he really shouldn't be with you, that he only is at moments of weakness. You are the forbidden fruit that he should resist all the time but doesn't always. Every time you're together it's a sign that he has failed in his quest to be a better man, hence is desire to stay away from you.

You see yourself as a decent person, but your actions betray that assessment. You have been an unfaithful woman who lacks self-respect: you cheated on your boyfriend with him, you agreed to being his secret lover, you have tolerated his behavior as a way to try to manipulated him into wanting you, and you have engaged in casual sex outside of marriage. I'm sure most of your fellow church goers would have a problem with your pattern of behavior, and I would have to believe he sees you in the same negative light. Never mind that the same pattern of behavior applies to him; it's OK because he's a man! I know, hypocrisy galore.

You have no future with this man. You are spoiled goods as far as he's concerned, the tempting apple he should have avoided, the source of many sinful thoughts and actions on his part.

My best guy friend & I come from 2 very different groups of friends. His friends were mean about us, mine annoying. This spring, rumors fly I’m crushing on him. It got so out of hand & awkward, that I finally called him last week to tell him I value our relationship way too much to let something like that ruin us. He was so glad I called, said he loves talking to me & spending time with me but it's been really hard b/c his friends have given him so much crap about me. Since the call, we are so much more relaxed & free in our friendship. Getting closer everyday. During the 8-10 weeks all this was happening, he never stopped texting/talking, etc…with me. Was always attentive & pretty wonderful.

I know we’re just friends…but sometimes it seems like there’s something more brewing & I can’t tell for sure. I’m so willing to be patient to see where this leads or if it ever will. We get along really well & when we’re together we can’t stop talking…very compatible. I am content to be friends, but secretly hope someday it will be more. I know you have NO way of predicting the future, but could there be something more? I will probably never say anything to him about my “hopes” mostly because of recent phone conversations. But do guys invest a lot of time/energy in a girl they just want to be friends with? I have a few guy friends, but none like him…

VictorM's advice:

The answer to your questions is a big, fat, Texas size NO! A typical guy would not spend so much time with a girl and put up with grief from his friends to just be friends with her. I say he's fantasizing about you as much as you fantasize about him. But guys like taking things slow, so I don't expect him to rush into anything. He's going to make sure you're worth all the trouble before making a move, unless the attraction fizzes out. But if it does, so will the friendship.

I think i am in love with this guy that i met online and he lives all the way in California. We spend hours talking on the phone and online. We haven't met yet but plan to soon. My problem is that this guy tells me that he likes me a lot and is very much attracted to me and wants to be with me but somehow he always seems to dissappear without talking to me for a week and than starts talking to me for a week and then disappears again. I feel like i am the last thing on his mind and when i do tell him that he says it's nothing and doesn't open up to me and tell me what's going on...... it drives me crazy. He is perfect because we are so opposite of each other in so many ways and that adds spice to this relationship. He is funny and well informed and talking to him is always a pleasure. I don't know how to get to him... I don't know if he is interested or not. I don't want to say goodbye and live the rest of my life with 'what if'.....help me plz!

VictorM's advice:

Yes, yes, I get it: he's perfect expect for the times when he's not. Sorta reminds me of the song: "Everybody knows that you've been faithful, ah give or take a night or two."

Online relationships are misleading because what you are doing is replacing the unknown with imaginations of perfection. In your mind, he is exactly as a man should be, relative to all the things you don't know about him: his smell, his table manners, the way he dresses, the way he walks, etc. None of those things may meet your approval when you do meet him, but you don't want to consider that possibility because that would render him "not perfect" and that doesn't match your vision of the perfect mate.

Believe me, it's much easier to be funny and charming online than in person, particularly when you can disappear for a week at a time and you don't have to explain yourself.

But I know all about the "what if" part. I always strongly advise people to remove that doubt. You should resolve the "what if..." but you really should lower your expectations and drop the "he's perfect" bullshit because making you laugh and reading the news does not make one perfect. The list of things that are a problem to you will be long, you just don't see it yet.

So if you have to meet him to make sure, meet him. But some words of caution: 1) Do NOT visit him, have him come visit you so that you can plan to go to places that are safe; 2) Make sure someone close to you knows about this meeting; 3) Meet him first in a public place; 4) At the slightest hint that you're uncomfortable about him, step away.

He responded an HOUR later, "k i will like i always have." I didn't mind it, I still had my fun night. When it hit 3 AM, I received yet another text from him, "Hey anyway that's cool. you do you. That's what YOU should do, but you are no longer welcome here at my house."

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT???

Anyway, I responded and told him to read his myspace email later because I didn't have the time to argue with him that moment. In my message I explained to him how I felt like he basically blew me off, and I was receiving the vibes from him that he wasn't "interested" and "didn't want" me there... hell, didn't want me PERIOD. Then at the end of my message, I told him I felt like I was just bothering him, and that I was sorry, all I really wanted was for him to be there with me. I don't even see him everyday ya know?

Words from a wise man would be greatly appreciated, VictorM. :)

VictorM's advice:

Your boyfriend sound fairly typical -- the kind of guy who reverts to the little kid inside him when things don't go his way.

Let's see... he was having a bad day and instead of leaving him alone, you did the female thing and try to make it better. Hopefully you'll learn to just give him space to work things out on his own. See, guys don't need -- heck, most don't like -- the whole motherly, naturing thing. We like to be left alone to solve our own problems.

But then you went out and had fun on your own while he was feeling bad. You selfish creep! (These are not my words; they are his thoughts). And so the little child stepped in and he acted like a little kid.

The good news? These "inner-child" moments pass rather quickly. It varies from guy to guy how long they need, but it will pass. Chances are that he has gotten back to you already since you sent this question and has apologized. If not, well, maybe he's not under the grasp of his inner child; maybe he's just an idiot and you're very lucky to have taken such a quick dive and being alerted to step away.

I love this website and really respect your advice. I would appreciate your thoughts on my 'never been kissed' dilemma.

I am an attractive independent woman with a successful career and active vibrant social life, however, I have almost no experience with men. Due to a variety of reasons (strict asian parents, too career focused), I have never really dated. Now that I am independent of my parents, I would like to date, and, hopefully be in a caring relationship someday.

My problem is not that I have difficulty getting dates, but that I am unsure what to tell the men I date about my level of experience, particularly when it comes to the physical aspect. I really have zero experience (I've never been kissed) - should I 'come clean' and tell this to a man I start dating or do I let him simply I assume I have, like a more normal 23 year old, been kissed at some point? I'm worried about telling my date I've never been kissed for fear that he may think I'm a loser/ weirdo for this (also, how to work something like this into conversation!) but I'm also worried that if I'm not explicit about my lack of experience, he may think I'm just a bad kisser for no reason and no longer be interested in me. What do you think?

Thank you!

VictorM's advice:

Your sexual past, or lack of it, is not anyone's business and you shouldn't have to discuss it with any guy. If, however, you choose to do so, I would suggest you not do it too soon. Do it when you know the guy better and your relationship has advanced beyond the initial few dates.

Even without ever kissing, I can tell you with much certainty, that you are already a better kisser than most males out there. So when the right time comes, pucker up and do it -- you'll be just fine.

Now, I'm also going to assume that if you get further than kissing, you are doing so because you have established some relationship with the guy. And any guy worth your time should be a guy that fully understands your situation and deals with it with care. If he's not, kiss his ignorant ass goodbye.

But to ease your mind, let me tell you that most guys would cut off an arm to be with a virgin. Purge from your mind any idea that guys would look down upon you for being a virgin. Quite the opposite -- they'll build you a pedestal! Don't believe me? I ask you, when terrorists seek suicide bombers, do they promise them 72 "been around the block a lot" girls in paradise? No! They get 72 brand spanking new virgins!

Do not let your inexperience be an issue because it won't be for the right guy!

Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

I don't know his real motivation but there is one possible reason that comes to mind: this is a family reunion and you're not family! Maybe it's that simple in his mind, regardless of what his mother or anyone else has to say about it.

You said he had two previous relationships after his divorce. Did he take any of those ladies to any of these type of reunions? If he did, the reason I stated above doesn't fit, but if he didn't take them, then that could very well be the reason. And frankly, I could understand his point if that is the reason -- you simply are not family yet and he's not willing to be pressured into making you part of the family before he's ready for it.

Well me and my boyfriend talked it out and we decided to move in together. But now i started thinking, every couple i know that