Friday, June 27, 2008
He is 4 years younger than me
Submitted on Wednesday, June 25, 2008
By Aubrey, 28, from New Jersey:
Ok so I have been dating a guy who is 4 years younger than me. That took a while to get past and he was by my side the whole time. He's a great guy who loved me and did tons of romantic stuff for me. He poured his heart out to me everyday. The thing was I had such a hard time getting past the age thing and he is now very mad at me for not introducing to him to my parents yet. He says he has never been hurt like that before and now he says he's not sure if he wants to work things out and had kinda backed away. He says he still loves me very much but he is just very hurt and he says it will take a while to get over it. He says I should deal with the coldness because I made it happen. He gave me time to prove how much I love him and I need to know if that's what he really wants and what the most romantic thing I can do for him is?
By Aubrey, 28, from New Jersey:
Ok so I have been dating a guy who is 4 years younger than me. That took a while to get past and he was by my side the whole time. He's a great guy who loved me and did tons of romantic stuff for me. He poured his heart out to me everyday. The thing was I had such a hard time getting past the age thing and he is now very mad at me for not introducing to him to my parents yet. He says he has never been hurt like that before and now he says he's not sure if he wants to work things out and had kinda backed away. He says he still loves me very much but he is just very hurt and he says it will take a while to get over it. He says I should deal with the coldness because I made it happen. He gave me time to prove how much I love him and I need to know if that's what he really wants and what the most romantic thing I can do for him is?
Oh and all he wants is blow jobs. He seems hesistant to have sex now. What is up with that?
VictorM'a advice:
First, 4 years difference is nothing. Really, get over it! It's his maturity level that you should worry about.
Second, your boyfriend is a freaking baby! "He has never been hurt like that" because you're not ready to introduce him to your parents? What a cry baby. And he "gave you time to prove how much you love him"? That's such a childish thing to say. And you "should deal with the coldness"? As if coldness ever solved anything. Are you sure he's only 4 years younger and not 14?
Third, since you don't seem determined to just yell at him "GROW THE FUCK UP, CRYBABY!", which is what he needs to hear, what I suggest you do to appease this child is to say the magic words: "I was wrong. You were right. I'm so sorry." But then I advise you strongly to walk away and stop making a fuss over him. If you continue to allow his coldness, you'll forever be kissing his ass. Instead, by humbling apologizing and walking away, you transfer to him the guilt of having to make things better again.
As for him wanting blow jobs only... well, a blow job is much less personal than intercourse. It's probably the cheapest act in a hooker's price list. Sounds like he's managed to make you his whore, if you're doing it just because that's all he wants. If you continue to succumb to this request, well, maybe you deserve this cry baby after all.
VictorM'a advice:
First, 4 years difference is nothing. Really, get over it! It's his maturity level that you should worry about.
Second, your boyfriend is a freaking baby! "He has never been hurt like that" because you're not ready to introduce him to your parents? What a cry baby. And he "gave you time to prove how much you love him"? That's such a childish thing to say. And you "should deal with the coldness"? As if coldness ever solved anything. Are you sure he's only 4 years younger and not 14?
Third, since you don't seem determined to just yell at him "GROW THE FUCK UP, CRYBABY!", which is what he needs to hear, what I suggest you do to appease this child is to say the magic words: "I was wrong. You were right. I'm so sorry." But then I advise you strongly to walk away and stop making a fuss over him. If you continue to allow his coldness, you'll forever be kissing his ass. Instead, by humbling apologizing and walking away, you transfer to him the guilt of having to make things better again.
As for him wanting blow jobs only... well, a blow job is much less personal than intercourse. It's probably the cheapest act in a hooker's price list. Sounds like he's managed to make you his whore, if you're doing it just because that's all he wants. If you continue to succumb to this request, well, maybe you deserve this cry baby after all.
Message for Alana
For the sake of continuity, I posted your latest submission and my reply in the visitor comments section of your previous question. Click here.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
How to make your man feel special
Submitted on Wednesday, June 25, 2008
By Mariana, 23, from Argentina:
Hey Victor! It's been a long time!
I could really use your advise here... It's been a year and a couple of months now since I've started dating my boyfriend and truth is, inspite of the problems that may get in the way, I really love him and he feels the same way about me.
The thing is that I've never been very "opened" to show my affection and to let someone know I care. I think I changed a little but my boyfriend tells me he doesn't feel important, that I don't make him feel important or unique. He's too jealous and I'm just a little jealous, he says I'm too cold sometimes or that I don't do or say anything unless he does it first.
Bottomline is: I don't make him feel special. I do tell him "I love you" all the time and kiss him and all that but I wish there was another way to LET HIM FEEL that he's the most important thing. He does that. He makes me feel I'm priority no. 1 and takes care of me like no one else. I just wish there was a way I could do the same for him because he really deserves it...
Thanks for reading!
VictorM's advice:
Mariana! I thought you had abandoned me. Good to know you're still around.
I'm going to submit to you that you do make him feel special. Here's my logic: as I say over and over on this page, men love a challenge. That's why they can be very attentive when they are trying to seduce a woman but once they succeed and the challenge goes away, they get lazy. I think you make him feel special because you are a challenge to him. This is part of the reason he makes you priority number one -- because he's not totally sure he's gotten you 100%. For my money, you should stay this way for a lifetime. Let him complain about you not making him feel special. The more he feels that you, the longer you'll stay his number one priority.
But... since I suspect you won't believe me and will want to spoil him, remember that guys are very physical beings and their ego must be what gets attention. Feelings and emotions don't do much for guys. It's nice that you say "I love you", or things like "I'm thinking of you", but that does not make a guy feel special. What does? (Come on, regular readers, say it with me): Simple, sincere compliments.
"Diego, your ass looks great in those pants", "You look so good in that shirt, Diego", "Oh my Diego, you turn me on so much when you talk about [topic]", "Diego, you smell so good", "You really make me laugh, Diego". etc. (I use the name Diego because I think all Argentinian boys born after the 80's are named after the great one, no?) Notice that all sentences I use as examples start with "you", not with "I". Don't say "I love how you smell." That makes the thought about you. It has to be all about him... about his body, his intellect, his sense of humor, his sexiness.
I say it again: no feelings and no emotions (he'll want to hear those as well, so don't stop saying "I love you") but to make him feel special give him compliments and make them simple, make them sincere, and make them about him, not you.
(PS. Saw the Argentina vs USA game in New York on June 8. It was the hottest and most humid day ever, but the stadium was sold out (more than 79,000) and the game was entertaining. Argentina could have scored a few goals in the first half but our goalkeeper kept us in the game, and in the second half, in part because Argentina rested players, the USA made a game of it. The crowd was fantastic -- very enthusiastic and noisy. Lots of blue and white jerseys all over. I loved every minute of it. And seeing Messi in person was very special.)
By Mariana, 23, from Argentina:
Hey Victor! It's been a long time!
I could really use your advise here... It's been a year and a couple of months now since I've started dating my boyfriend and truth is, inspite of the problems that may get in the way, I really love him and he feels the same way about me.
The thing is that I've never been very "opened" to show my affection and to let someone know I care. I think I changed a little but my boyfriend tells me he doesn't feel important, that I don't make him feel important or unique. He's too jealous and I'm just a little jealous, he says I'm too cold sometimes or that I don't do or say anything unless he does it first.
Bottomline is: I don't make him feel special. I do tell him "I love you" all the time and kiss him and all that but I wish there was another way to LET HIM FEEL that he's the most important thing. He does that. He makes me feel I'm priority no. 1 and takes care of me like no one else. I just wish there was a way I could do the same for him because he really deserves it...
Thanks for reading!
VictorM's advice:
Mariana! I thought you had abandoned me. Good to know you're still around.
I'm going to submit to you that you do make him feel special. Here's my logic: as I say over and over on this page, men love a challenge. That's why they can be very attentive when they are trying to seduce a woman but once they succeed and the challenge goes away, they get lazy. I think you make him feel special because you are a challenge to him. This is part of the reason he makes you priority number one -- because he's not totally sure he's gotten you 100%. For my money, you should stay this way for a lifetime. Let him complain about you not making him feel special. The more he feels that you, the longer you'll stay his number one priority.
But... since I suspect you won't believe me and will want to spoil him, remember that guys are very physical beings and their ego must be what gets attention. Feelings and emotions don't do much for guys. It's nice that you say "I love you", or things like "I'm thinking of you", but that does not make a guy feel special. What does? (Come on, regular readers, say it with me): Simple, sincere compliments.
"Diego, your ass looks great in those pants", "You look so good in that shirt, Diego", "Oh my Diego, you turn me on so much when you talk about [topic]", "Diego, you smell so good", "You really make me laugh, Diego". etc. (I use the name Diego because I think all Argentinian boys born after the 80's are named after the great one, no?) Notice that all sentences I use as examples start with "you", not with "I". Don't say "I love how you smell." That makes the thought about you. It has to be all about him... about his body, his intellect, his sense of humor, his sexiness.
I say it again: no feelings and no emotions (he'll want to hear those as well, so don't stop saying "I love you") but to make him feel special give him compliments and make them simple, make them sincere, and make them about him, not you.
(PS. Saw the Argentina vs USA game in New York on June 8. It was the hottest and most humid day ever, but the stadium was sold out (more than 79,000) and the game was entertaining. Argentina could have scored a few goals in the first half but our goalkeeper kept us in the game, and in the second half, in part because Argentina rested players, the USA made a game of it. The crowd was fantastic -- very enthusiastic and noisy. Lots of blue and white jerseys all over. I loved every minute of it. And seeing Messi in person was very special.)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
He finally asked me to officially be his girlfriend
Submitted on Monday, June 23, 2008
By Fiorella Rhe feivera, 22, from Tampa, FL:
I have been dating this guy for about 3 and a half months and he finally asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He used to be more affectionate and send me texts, for example, throughout the day and now I feel that he definitely likes me but maybe he feels a little weird after making things official. I feel like we are best friends, he hasn't even called me a nickname like babe or baby yet. Is this normal? Could he be getting cold feet? I used to feel he was soo in to me why has he suddenly changed now thats its official?
VictorM's advice:
I don't believe cold feet are involved. What you described is very common. Basically, the dynamics of your relationship changed and the guy went from full out trying to seduce you (when guys work hardest) to having won you over (when they become secure and lazy). He's done the hard work, now he can sit back and relax.
This shift in behavior is par for the course for many males. It's one of the major sources for female dissatisfaction and for relationship break-ups. Put up with it and it will only get worse. This is why "playing hard to get" works: as long as guys feel they have a challenge, they work for it; remove the challenge and they become jello.
As for pet nicknames... well, not all guys like using them. It has nothing to do with whether he likes you or not.
By Fiorella Rhe feivera, 22, from Tampa, FL:
I have been dating this guy for about 3 and a half months and he finally asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He used to be more affectionate and send me texts, for example, throughout the day and now I feel that he definitely likes me but maybe he feels a little weird after making things official. I feel like we are best friends, he hasn't even called me a nickname like babe or baby yet. Is this normal? Could he be getting cold feet? I used to feel he was soo in to me why has he suddenly changed now thats its official?
VictorM's advice:
I don't believe cold feet are involved. What you described is very common. Basically, the dynamics of your relationship changed and the guy went from full out trying to seduce you (when guys work hardest) to having won you over (when they become secure and lazy). He's done the hard work, now he can sit back and relax.
This shift in behavior is par for the course for many males. It's one of the major sources for female dissatisfaction and for relationship break-ups. Put up with it and it will only get worse. This is why "playing hard to get" works: as long as guys feel they have a challenge, they work for it; remove the challenge and they become jello.
As for pet nicknames... well, not all guys like using them. It has nothing to do with whether he likes you or not.
He hates me
Submitted on Monday, June 23, 2008
By rachel, 15, from usa:
I broke up with my boyfriend and he hates me and doesn't want to be friends. I cried because he sent me a nasty message because I still like him and my boyfriend just had broke up with me and it made me even more upset.
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes life's a bitch, ain't it?
I'm curious... why did you break-up with your ex if you still love him? And why did your new boyfriend break-up with you? (I'm nosy, ain't I?)
By rachel, 15, from usa:
I broke up with my boyfriend and he hates me and doesn't want to be friends. I cried because he sent me a nasty message because I still like him and my boyfriend just had broke up with me and it made me even more upset.
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes life's a bitch, ain't it?
I'm curious... why did you break-up with your ex if you still love him? And why did your new boyfriend break-up with you? (I'm nosy, ain't I?)
Does he want to be friends with me?
Submitted on Monday, June 23, 2008
By kris, 27, from New York:
I'm a 25 year old female married for 3 years and I flirted with my co-worker (good friend) for few weeks--we went out, kissed, but no sex. He has feelings for me and knows that I'm married too. But recently he told me he felt guilty and all of sudden stop talking to me without saying anything to me. So I tried to talk to him, but he said he doesn't like attachments. I said I'm sorry for whatever happend and are we still friends? And he was sorry too and he said only if I wasn't married. I said I will never bother him, but now he kinda talks to me and gives me nice compliments. Does he still like me? Does he want to be friends with me? I rather have his friendship then anything else. Should I try to be his friend again?
VictorM's advice:
Between the two of you, at least he had some decency to recognize a mistake.
If he has feelings for you, being just your friend will not be pleasant for him. That is why he's trying to put some distance between you two while remaining civil and friendly. And if you could think of anyone but yourself for a moment, you'd respect that.
By kris, 27, from New York:
I'm a 25 year old female married for 3 years and I flirted with my co-worker (good friend) for few weeks--we went out, kissed, but no sex. He has feelings for me and knows that I'm married too. But recently he told me he felt guilty and all of sudden stop talking to me without saying anything to me. So I tried to talk to him, but he said he doesn't like attachments. I said I'm sorry for whatever happend and are we still friends? And he was sorry too and he said only if I wasn't married. I said I will never bother him, but now he kinda talks to me and gives me nice compliments. Does he still like me? Does he want to be friends with me? I rather have his friendship then anything else. Should I try to be his friend again?
VictorM's advice:
Between the two of you, at least he had some decency to recognize a mistake.
If he has feelings for you, being just your friend will not be pleasant for him. That is why he's trying to put some distance between you two while remaining civil and friendly. And if you could think of anyone but yourself for a moment, you'd respect that.
Message for Marissa and Hannah
Your follow-up comments and my replies were posted in the visitor comment section of your original question. Marissa's here and Hannah's here.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Won't have sex without porn
Submitted on Monday, June 23, 2008
By Confused!, 34, from Cape Town:
My boyfriend of one year won't have sex without porn, cocaine, marijuana and meth. He won't engage in any form of foreplay (not even kissing) and only really likes oral sex (he wants 8 hours of oral sex before he can ejaculate, and during those 8 hours we might have 10 minutes of intercourse). Is this normal? (Seems like a silly question!) What can I do about it?
VictorM's advice:
Eight hours of oral sex? You must have jaws that could crack Gibraltar!
I have to channel princess now and give you her solution to every problem with a male: DUMP HIM!
Seriously, are things so tough around you that you stick with this guy?
Anyway, to answer your question: no, it's not normal at all, and you really need to seek help from friends to leave this guy. His problems are not your problems and you can't fix him simply by sticking around him.
By Confused!, 34, from Cape Town:
My boyfriend of one year won't have sex without porn, cocaine, marijuana and meth. He won't engage in any form of foreplay (not even kissing) and only really likes oral sex (he wants 8 hours of oral sex before he can ejaculate, and during those 8 hours we might have 10 minutes of intercourse). Is this normal? (Seems like a silly question!) What can I do about it?
VictorM's advice:
Eight hours of oral sex? You must have jaws that could crack Gibraltar!
I have to channel princess now and give you her solution to every problem with a male: DUMP HIM!
Seriously, are things so tough around you that you stick with this guy?
Anyway, to answer your question: no, it's not normal at all, and you really need to seek help from friends to leave this guy. His problems are not your problems and you can't fix him simply by sticking around him.
I would like to know if he likes me
Submitted on Sunday, June 22, 2008
By Cameron, 26, from AZ:
My exboyfriend and I have recently been hanging out as "friends" five times a week and we talk everyday. The communication and invitations go both ways (meaning I am not the one always calling or inviting him over) and I would like to know if he likes me. I would like to date him again, but since our break - up we have both changed quite a lot and I like the new "us". Should I make a move or just go with the flow?
VictorM's advice:
For now, there is no "new us". There's you and him, both putting your best feet forward and behaving as best as you can. You are getting along because you don't have the emotional attachments you had before. As soon as the obligations and expectations of a committed relationship return, then we'll see if you truly have changed. But frankly, don't count on it.
I don't know the history of your breakup but what you're experiencing now is quite common. Couples often return to the familiar and comfortable -- comfortable because there are no expectations -- as a way of easing their way out of each other's lives. In essence, giving it one more look before deciding this isn't salvageable. But comfortable and familiar also equals boring. And so, sooner or later, one of you, or both of you, will want the energy and excitement that being in love brings, but you'll want to be with someone who doesn't escalate that excitement into drama and tension. That's how you separate your good partners from the bad ones.
You were bad partners before; expecting that things changed just because you were apart may be asking too much. But I understand how you will need to answer this "what if" and give it that one more look to see if you can make things work this time around. If you go with the flow, this situation may go on for a long time (until he finds someone to fall in love with), so I suggest you bring it up and get an answer because staying with the current familiar and comfortable situation isn't going to be enough for you.
By Cameron, 26, from AZ:
My exboyfriend and I have recently been hanging out as "friends" five times a week and we talk everyday. The communication and invitations go both ways (meaning I am not the one always calling or inviting him over) and I would like to know if he likes me. I would like to date him again, but since our break - up we have both changed quite a lot and I like the new "us". Should I make a move or just go with the flow?
VictorM's advice:
For now, there is no "new us". There's you and him, both putting your best feet forward and behaving as best as you can. You are getting along because you don't have the emotional attachments you had before. As soon as the obligations and expectations of a committed relationship return, then we'll see if you truly have changed. But frankly, don't count on it.
I don't know the history of your breakup but what you're experiencing now is quite common. Couples often return to the familiar and comfortable -- comfortable because there are no expectations -- as a way of easing their way out of each other's lives. In essence, giving it one more look before deciding this isn't salvageable. But comfortable and familiar also equals boring. And so, sooner or later, one of you, or both of you, will want the energy and excitement that being in love brings, but you'll want to be with someone who doesn't escalate that excitement into drama and tension. That's how you separate your good partners from the bad ones.
You were bad partners before; expecting that things changed just because you were apart may be asking too much. But I understand how you will need to answer this "what if" and give it that one more look to see if you can make things work this time around. If you go with the flow, this situation may go on for a long time (until he finds someone to fall in love with), so I suggest you bring it up and get an answer because staying with the current familiar and comfortable situation isn't going to be enough for you.
I need time to clear my head
Submitted on Sunday, June 22, 2008
By candy, 30, from florida:
What does it mean when a guy says: "I'm sorry but I need time to clear my head so I won't be talking to you for a while. I'm sorry but that is what I need right now."?
VictorM's answer:
It means: "My head is very clear and I know I'm no longer into you but I don't have the courage to say it to your face so I'll give you this hint hoping you catch on and breakup with me so I don't have to be the bad guy by being the one to breakup with you."
By candy, 30, from florida:
What does it mean when a guy says: "I'm sorry but I need time to clear my head so I won't be talking to you for a while. I'm sorry but that is what I need right now."?
VictorM's answer:
It means: "My head is very clear and I know I'm no longer into you but I don't have the courage to say it to your face so I'll give you this hint hoping you catch on and breakup with me so I don't have to be the bad guy by being the one to breakup with you."
He is too busy with work and studies
Submitted on Sunday, June 22, 2008
By sharon, 29, from thailand:
When a guy says that he is too busy with work and studies now for a relationship, what exactly does he mean? Does he mean he is not interested in me?
I am friends with a guy I have a crush on and this is what he said to me. I think he knows I have a crush on him by my actions although I haven't said it in words. But he still emails every week. (We are in different countries at the moment).
VictorM's advice:
Yes, too busy equals not interested. At least not at this time. And in this case, with you two far away from each other, that makes even more sense. He keeps writing either because he doesn't want to burn any bridges for when he comes back or because he's simply being polite with someone he likes as a friend.
By sharon, 29, from thailand:
When a guy says that he is too busy with work and studies now for a relationship, what exactly does he mean? Does he mean he is not interested in me?
I am friends with a guy I have a crush on and this is what he said to me. I think he knows I have a crush on him by my actions although I haven't said it in words. But he still emails every week. (We are in different countries at the moment).
VictorM's advice:
Yes, too busy equals not interested. At least not at this time. And in this case, with you two far away from each other, that makes even more sense. He keeps writing either because he doesn't want to burn any bridges for when he comes back or because he's simply being polite with someone he likes as a friend.
I'm feeling jealous
Submitted on Saturday, June 21, 2008
By angel, 28, from arlington:
My boyfriend and I met at the same time his best friend met his girlfriend. Two years passed and both couples were pregnant at the same time. The difference is that now I'm writing this question the night before THEIR wedding! What the heck! My boyfriend hasn't even hinted about even proposing marriage to me! I know it's silly, but I'm feeling like why does she deserve to get married and I'm nowhere near that? I know I should be happy for them...but instead I'm feeling jealous, left out, and not good enough to be asked.
VictorM's advice:
If life were a competition against your friends, you'd have a point, but life is not a race! You may have met and gotten pregnant around the same time as your friends, but many other things could be different such as your economic situation and emotional state.
Your boyfriend not asking you to marry him probably has more to do with him and his feelings about marriage than it does about how good he thinks you are or are not.
Marriage is plenty difficult as it is. Statistics don't bode well for the institution. A couple shouldn't get into marriage unless both parties know for sure that's what they want. The measure of success in marriage is not who gets into first, but who lasts longer while being happy together.
I don't know all the particulars about your boyfriend, such as what kind of experiences his relatives and close friends have had with marriage, how secure he feels about his job (to guys, this is a huge factor), and of course, how strongly he feels about you. But if marriage is such a big issue with you, you should let him know that. The idea that a marriage proposal should only come from the guy when he's good and ready is outdated. Talk to him in a non-threatening way and find out where he stands.
By angel, 28, from arlington:
My boyfriend and I met at the same time his best friend met his girlfriend. Two years passed and both couples were pregnant at the same time. The difference is that now I'm writing this question the night before THEIR wedding! What the heck! My boyfriend hasn't even hinted about even proposing marriage to me! I know it's silly, but I'm feeling like why does she deserve to get married and I'm nowhere near that? I know I should be happy for them...but instead I'm feeling jealous, left out, and not good enough to be asked.
VictorM's advice:
If life were a competition against your friends, you'd have a point, but life is not a race! You may have met and gotten pregnant around the same time as your friends, but many other things could be different such as your economic situation and emotional state.
Your boyfriend not asking you to marry him probably has more to do with him and his feelings about marriage than it does about how good he thinks you are or are not.
Marriage is plenty difficult as it is. Statistics don't bode well for the institution. A couple shouldn't get into marriage unless both parties know for sure that's what they want. The measure of success in marriage is not who gets into first, but who lasts longer while being happy together.
I don't know all the particulars about your boyfriend, such as what kind of experiences his relatives and close friends have had with marriage, how secure he feels about his job (to guys, this is a huge factor), and of course, how strongly he feels about you. But if marriage is such a big issue with you, you should let him know that. The idea that a marriage proposal should only come from the guy when he's good and ready is outdated. Talk to him in a non-threatening way and find out where he stands.
Decoding man-language
Submitted on Saturday, June 21, 2008
By Shannah, 18, from california:
My 'oh so wonderful' boyfriend sent me this.Can you please help me decode it from man-language into what it really means? Thank you sooo much :]
"So Look heres the scoop. I sat down last night and decided i cant have a girl in my life right now as an emotional attatchment. I'm tryign to get my career on track. It's not you. It's me. I still wanna be friends because i do love you. I Just need to focus on a few things that i commited myself to before i commite to anything else. I wanna do stuff right. I Love you, and i hope you understand. Hopefully in a month or 2 this will change. I really hope that and i'm gonna work on it. I Love you, and i still wanna hang out sometime, i just dont wanna be anything more than freinds."
VictorM's advice:
Translation: I'm not into you anymore but I don't want to burn any bridges just in case this is a passing phase and I don't want to be seen as the bad guy. I'm not in love with you anymore but I still think you're a neat person and I hope we stay civil with each other as this relationship ends.
By Shannah, 18, from california:
My 'oh so wonderful' boyfriend sent me this.Can you please help me decode it from man-language into what it really means? Thank you sooo much :]
"So Look heres the scoop. I sat down last night and decided i cant have a girl in my life right now as an emotional attatchment. I'm tryign to get my career on track. It's not you. It's me. I still wanna be friends because i do love you. I Just need to focus on a few things that i commited myself to before i commite to anything else. I wanna do stuff right. I Love you, and i hope you understand. Hopefully in a month or 2 this will change. I really hope that and i'm gonna work on it. I Love you, and i still wanna hang out sometime, i just dont wanna be anything more than freinds."
VictorM's advice:
Translation: I'm not into you anymore but I don't want to burn any bridges just in case this is a passing phase and I don't want to be seen as the bad guy. I'm not in love with you anymore but I still think you're a neat person and I hope we stay civil with each other as this relationship ends.
Monday, June 23, 2008
My boyfriend constantly wants to have anal sex with me
Submitted on Friday, June 20, 2008
By Sheah, 18, from arizona:
My boyfriend constantly wants to have anal sex with me. I've only done it once before with another guy when i was drunk and I really don't remember much. He keeps trying to get me to do it, and once it went a little in, but it hurt so I stopped him. I'm afraid of certain 'complications' that might arise if we ever did do it. Sometimes he gets frustrated when I don't want to, and basicaly I'm asking why do guys want to do it so bad? Does it mean that I'm not good enough? I don't understand, PLEASE HELP.
Thanks !
VictorM's advice:
Wanting anal sex has nothing at all to do with you not being good enough. Not at all.
Anal sex is very popular these days because porn has made it so. Guys see it, the porn models all seem to enjoy it (the operative word there being "seem"), and guys get ideas from that. There are other appeals to anal sex, such as: it has a sense of naughtiness about it that enhances the excitement of sex, it feels tighter than the vagina and many guys like that sensation, and it won't get the girl pregnant.
By Sheah, 18, from arizona:
My boyfriend constantly wants to have anal sex with me. I've only done it once before with another guy when i was drunk and I really don't remember much. He keeps trying to get me to do it, and once it went a little in, but it hurt so I stopped him. I'm afraid of certain 'complications' that might arise if we ever did do it. Sometimes he gets frustrated when I don't want to, and basicaly I'm asking why do guys want to do it so bad? Does it mean that I'm not good enough? I don't understand, PLEASE HELP.
Thanks !
VictorM's advice:
Wanting anal sex has nothing at all to do with you not being good enough. Not at all.
Anal sex is very popular these days because porn has made it so. Guys see it, the porn models all seem to enjoy it (the operative word there being "seem"), and guys get ideas from that. There are other appeals to anal sex, such as: it has a sense of naughtiness about it that enhances the excitement of sex, it feels tighter than the vagina and many guys like that sensation, and it won't get the girl pregnant.
I don't want to appear to be too eager to compliment
Submitted on Friday, June 20, 2008
By Nita, 41, from OK:
Hi Victor: Thanks for the terrific advice (of course!). We finally were able to arrange a lunch date. He has been travelling extensively overseas (since the end of the term) for research projects. Lunch was a blast! I must admit I was quite excited for a few dsys with anticipation. The conversation was easy-going and he spoke quite genuinely about his research projects, helping underprivileged people in remote areas of the world. There wasn't a lull in the conversation, but I did try to ask questions so he would continue to talk about himself. The lunch hour was longer than one-hour (which was great!). Although I invited him to lunch, he would not let me pick up the tab. I have a question - should I have acknowledged (commented) about his research and obvious interests/efforts? Is it too soon, or too personal, of me to comment on his interests? Since we have only had one lunch date, I don't want to appear to be too eager to compliment, or offer my opinions about his life. I am interested, of course, so how do I show that? After lunch, he said he had fun and that we "should do this again soon". I think I should leave the arrangements for the next date to him - do you concur? Your advice, is ALWAYS appreciated.
Thanks Victor!!!
VictorM's advice:
"I don't want to appear to be too eager to compliment" - Seriously, it's never too early to compliment him! Guys go through life without compliments because most women have attitudes such as yours. Change that! Guys are so starving for compliments that if you use them, man will flock to your feet. (By the way, you had me at your "of course" about my "terrific advice"). The same goes for showing interest in his activities, his passions, his areas of knowledge.
Don't believe me? Just try it with other guys... your mechanic, the bakery guy, the janitor, your coworkers... simple and sincere compliments will make you the most popular woman in the neighborhood.
By Nita, 41, from OK:
Hi Victor: Thanks for the terrific advice (of course!). We finally were able to arrange a lunch date. He has been travelling extensively overseas (since the end of the term) for research projects. Lunch was a blast! I must admit I was quite excited for a few dsys with anticipation. The conversation was easy-going and he spoke quite genuinely about his research projects, helping underprivileged people in remote areas of the world. There wasn't a lull in the conversation, but I did try to ask questions so he would continue to talk about himself. The lunch hour was longer than one-hour (which was great!). Although I invited him to lunch, he would not let me pick up the tab. I have a question - should I have acknowledged (commented) about his research and obvious interests/efforts? Is it too soon, or too personal, of me to comment on his interests? Since we have only had one lunch date, I don't want to appear to be too eager to compliment, or offer my opinions about his life. I am interested, of course, so how do I show that? After lunch, he said he had fun and that we "should do this again soon". I think I should leave the arrangements for the next date to him - do you concur? Your advice, is ALWAYS appreciated.
Thanks Victor!!!
VictorM's advice:
"I don't want to appear to be too eager to compliment" - Seriously, it's never too early to compliment him! Guys go through life without compliments because most women have attitudes such as yours. Change that! Guys are so starving for compliments that if you use them, man will flock to your feet. (By the way, you had me at your "of course" about my "terrific advice"). The same goes for showing interest in his activities, his passions, his areas of knowledge.
Don't believe me? Just try it with other guys... your mechanic, the bakery guy, the janitor, your coworkers... simple and sincere compliments will make you the most popular woman in the neighborhood.
If he likes you
Submitted on Friday, June 20, 2008
By livia, 11, from albania:
How can you ask a boy if he likes you?
VictorM's advice:
I would advise you not to ask him.
See, most boys around your age think girls are yucky. And besides, the most fun part of life are its mysteries. Coming straight out and asking sorta takes the fun away.
I say keep wondering... and torturing with your cuteness and charm until he comes out and confesses his feelings for you. Just be prepared to wait a few years.
By livia, 11, from albania:
How can you ask a boy if he likes you?
VictorM's advice:
I would advise you not to ask him.
See, most boys around your age think girls are yucky. And besides, the most fun part of life are its mysteries. Coming straight out and asking sorta takes the fun away.
I say keep wondering... and torturing with your cuteness and charm until he comes out and confesses his feelings for you. Just be prepared to wait a few years.
Alana is back
Submitted on Thursday, June 19, 2008
By Alana, 21:
Okay LAST QUESTION, The girl who DOVE IN, and the girl who asked for advice on the boyfriend.... Something really bad just happened. I don't know how I can deal. It's gonna be pretty long, but here it goes:
for 2 whole straight weeks, he tells me he's been "Busy" with everything. so i visit on a monday, and see a girl's hair tie on his wrist... but i didn't mind... a week later, it's still there?? So i visit again he was trying to have sex with me and started talkin to me about me gettin "attached".. and he said doesn't want me visiting him as much becuz he always wants to have sex and he doesn't wanna "hurt me"......i was suddenly confused because he stated himself we're "together" and has told our friends he is my BOYFRIEND, and i am his GIRLFRIEND.
ANYWAY.... i told him we needed to talk in a quieter place about that "attachment" issue......(cuz the livin room is too noisy)...so then i told him "HIS ROOM" is a good place, he was like "no, there's too much SHIT in there."
and he kept sayin NO NO NO... and i Walked in his room.
And you know what i find??
UNDERWEAR, corsets, women's CLOTHING on his bed. I CRIED and RAN OUT....i was soo hurt.. he chased after me trying to "explain" ... but i didn't wanna hear it.... So, I walk on just crying, and from what I heard, my friends told me that my boyfriend kept goin in and out of the house looking for me. This one stranger let me use his phone to call my girlfriend to get me.... My boyfriend/ex/i don't know overhears the conversation, and DRIVES to my location starts cussin at me telling me that those clothes were his "girl" -friends clothes, and she needed a place to put it because she had no where else to put it, her car broke down.
he was MAD. I was MAD. So.... I yelled at him REAL LOUD that night. i embarassed the FUCK out of him. i said a lot of TRUE SHIT about him, and i didn't give a FUCK. it literally KILLED his ego... that's how BAD I was yelling at him and saying all these things that didn't concern anyone else, just to make up for me being hurt and "freaked out". A lot of people were there to hear it.
Later on that night, he kept calling my cellphone. I didn't answer. Then LATE at night....we talked about what happened THAT NIGHT and tried to fix things....and as for the wrist thing (hairtie) he said he's just used to having a watch or bracelet there, and he found the tie off the ship and started wearing it. then he said "i'm taking it off okay? here, taking off this hair tie that has NO MEANING and throwing it...you feel better now?".... and blah blah blah... He still remains mad at me..... and then TODAY, he tells me we are better off as friends, and he doesn't know if HE can get over this.
And then he left the conversation with this: HE does NOT want me to TALK or LIKE any of "his" friends, anyone he WORKS with, or ANYONE in the navy (he's in the navy by the way).
WHY is this? Since i'm not his girlfriend? He seemed even more pissed off when I said that.
I told him that he's possessive, he said, "God Damn right".
and can you BELIEVE IT?! He told me he doesn't want a relationship for whatever reason, and that if I'm feeling "horny", he'll be there.
He totally and completely changed. What do I do NOW?
VictorM's advice:
What you do NOW is this:
-- You allow yourself some time to feel bad that you have been lied and cheated on;
-- You convince yourself that he's been lying and cheating on you;
-- You find fun things to do with your female friends, you go out to new places, buy new clothes, change your hairstyle... whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself
-- and you spend your energies finding a new guy.
But you won't do that. I know it. How do I know that? Because when he said he doesn't want you going out with certain guys you didn't set his testicles on fire and told him to go fuck himself in the ass with a sharp pencil! Just as your ranting and screaming suggests, you're all bark and no bite. In no time, you'll be kissing his ass, like a worthless girl who is too dependent on her proven asshole boyfriend. You're probably even starting to believe the female clothes really are his friend's.
Or, you could prove me wrong!
By Alana, 21:
Okay LAST QUESTION, The girl who DOVE IN, and the girl who asked for advice on the boyfriend.... Something really bad just happened. I don't know how I can deal. It's gonna be pretty long, but here it goes:
for 2 whole straight weeks, he tells me he's been "Busy" with everything. so i visit on a monday, and see a girl's hair tie on his wrist... but i didn't mind... a week later, it's still there?? So i visit again he was trying to have sex with me and started talkin to me about me gettin "attached".. and he said doesn't want me visiting him as much becuz he always wants to have sex and he doesn't wanna "hurt me"......i was suddenly confused because he stated himself we're "together" and has told our friends he is my BOYFRIEND, and i am his GIRLFRIEND.
ANYWAY.... i told him we needed to talk in a quieter place about that "attachment" issue......(cuz the livin room is too noisy)...so then i told him "HIS ROOM" is a good place, he was like "no, there's too much SHIT in there."
and he kept sayin NO NO NO... and i Walked in his room.
And you know what i find??
UNDERWEAR, corsets, women's CLOTHING on his bed. I CRIED and RAN OUT....i was soo hurt.. he chased after me trying to "explain" ... but i didn't wanna hear it.... So, I walk on just crying, and from what I heard, my friends told me that my boyfriend kept goin in and out of the house looking for me. This one stranger let me use his phone to call my girlfriend to get me.... My boyfriend/ex/i don't know overhears the conversation, and DRIVES to my location starts cussin at me telling me that those clothes were his "girl" -friends clothes, and she needed a place to put it because she had no where else to put it, her car broke down.
he was MAD. I was MAD. So.... I yelled at him REAL LOUD that night. i embarassed the FUCK out of him. i said a lot of TRUE SHIT about him, and i didn't give a FUCK. it literally KILLED his ego... that's how BAD I was yelling at him and saying all these things that didn't concern anyone else, just to make up for me being hurt and "freaked out". A lot of people were there to hear it.
Later on that night, he kept calling my cellphone. I didn't answer. Then LATE at night....we talked about what happened THAT NIGHT and tried to fix things....and as for the wrist thing (hairtie) he said he's just used to having a watch or bracelet there, and he found the tie off the ship and started wearing it. then he said "i'm taking it off okay? here, taking off this hair tie that has NO MEANING and throwing it...you feel better now?".... and blah blah blah... He still remains mad at me..... and then TODAY, he tells me we are better off as friends, and he doesn't know if HE can get over this.
And then he left the conversation with this: HE does NOT want me to TALK or LIKE any of "his" friends, anyone he WORKS with, or ANYONE in the navy (he's in the navy by the way).
WHY is this? Since i'm not his girlfriend? He seemed even more pissed off when I said that.
I told him that he's possessive, he said, "God Damn right".
and can you BELIEVE IT?! He told me he doesn't want a relationship for whatever reason, and that if I'm feeling "horny", he'll be there.
He totally and completely changed. What do I do NOW?
VictorM's advice:
What you do NOW is this:
-- You allow yourself some time to feel bad that you have been lied and cheated on;
-- You convince yourself that he's been lying and cheating on you;
-- You find fun things to do with your female friends, you go out to new places, buy new clothes, change your hairstyle... whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself
-- and you spend your energies finding a new guy.
But you won't do that. I know it. How do I know that? Because when he said he doesn't want you going out with certain guys you didn't set his testicles on fire and told him to go fuck himself in the ass with a sharp pencil! Just as your ranting and screaming suggests, you're all bark and no bite. In no time, you'll be kissing his ass, like a worthless girl who is too dependent on her proven asshole boyfriend. You're probably even starting to believe the female clothes really are his friend's.
Or, you could prove me wrong!
I've never had sex like that in my life
Submitted on Thursday, June 19, 2008
By Jane, 31, from MA:
I want to ask my ex to hang out sometime, but I'm not sure how.
We were on again off again for a year, I was hurt bad but since we've been apart I'm a much stronger person now. I had become very weak and got hurt easily and that's pretty much what broke us up for good. Since then I've been focusing on myself and I am much stronger now.
We weren't really talking for a while, he got a new girlfriend, and when he broke up with her we started talking more on myspace. I tried to make him feel better when he felt bad about hurting her, I felt like it would help to hear from someone he's hurt in the past and to know that I'm ok now and I don't hate him. I think he appreciated that.
We emailed a bit the rest of the week, keeping it light, though I seemed to be the one initiating it. It felt good cause he wasn't talking to me for awhile. Then last Saturday he texted me at 2:30 in the morning asking me if I was up. I asked if something was wrong and he said it's just been awhile... since I've had great sex. He was obviously drunk.
I told him to get some sleep, he tried a few more times and I told him no. We've still been emailing, still keeping it light. When I brought up the texts he said he wasn't that drunk, just feeling good and horny as hell.
It has been on my mind this whole week. I've never had sex like that in my life. We were amazing in bed. Part of me really wants to but I don't want to risk becoming that hurt girl again. I don't want a relationship right now, I'm enjoying being single and focusing on myself... though I would like to think that someday we could be together again.
For right now what I really want is to be able to hang out with him. I would not feel comfortable hopping into bed with him without seeing him this long, I just want to be able to hang out with him and see how I feel then. I just really don't know how to ask him. He hasn't tried to sleep with me again since then and I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding desperate. Any ideas?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're asking me because you know very well that asking him to "hang out" is a short step away from him "feeling good and horny as hell" right away. This makes me wonder if there really is anything keeping him interested in you but sex.
The "friends with benefits" suggestion that you are making -- and if I read you correctly, that's what you have in mind -- requires no strength. In fact, it's only a sign of weakness.
You say you are a stronger woman now. OK, prove it: focus on finding a man who will contact you for reasons other than feeling "horny as hell" and with whom you can find a happy future. And if you find him, the sex will be great with him too.
By Jane, 31, from MA:
I want to ask my ex to hang out sometime, but I'm not sure how.
We were on again off again for a year, I was hurt bad but since we've been apart I'm a much stronger person now. I had become very weak and got hurt easily and that's pretty much what broke us up for good. Since then I've been focusing on myself and I am much stronger now.
We weren't really talking for a while, he got a new girlfriend, and when he broke up with her we started talking more on myspace. I tried to make him feel better when he felt bad about hurting her, I felt like it would help to hear from someone he's hurt in the past and to know that I'm ok now and I don't hate him. I think he appreciated that.
We emailed a bit the rest of the week, keeping it light, though I seemed to be the one initiating it. It felt good cause he wasn't talking to me for awhile. Then last Saturday he texted me at 2:30 in the morning asking me if I was up. I asked if something was wrong and he said it's just been awhile... since I've had great sex. He was obviously drunk.
I told him to get some sleep, he tried a few more times and I told him no. We've still been emailing, still keeping it light. When I brought up the texts he said he wasn't that drunk, just feeling good and horny as hell.
It has been on my mind this whole week. I've never had sex like that in my life. We were amazing in bed. Part of me really wants to but I don't want to risk becoming that hurt girl again. I don't want a relationship right now, I'm enjoying being single and focusing on myself... though I would like to think that someday we could be together again.
For right now what I really want is to be able to hang out with him. I would not feel comfortable hopping into bed with him without seeing him this long, I just want to be able to hang out with him and see how I feel then. I just really don't know how to ask him. He hasn't tried to sleep with me again since then and I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding desperate. Any ideas?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're asking me because you know very well that asking him to "hang out" is a short step away from him "feeling good and horny as hell" right away. This makes me wonder if there really is anything keeping him interested in you but sex.
The "friends with benefits" suggestion that you are making -- and if I read you correctly, that's what you have in mind -- requires no strength. In fact, it's only a sign of weakness.
You say you are a stronger woman now. OK, prove it: focus on finding a man who will contact you for reasons other than feeling "horny as hell" and with whom you can find a happy future. And if you find him, the sex will be great with him too.
Forbidden Fruit
Submitted on Thursday, June 19, 2008
By marissa, 39, from florida:
I became intimate with a male friend approximately two years ago. At that time I had a boyfriend and he pursued me. I had a difficult time leaving my boyfriend because I felt guilty although I was sort of having an increasingly romantic relationship with the person I am talking about now. There were times in the relationship when I had the courage to distance myself from my boyfriend and when I did, then this guy would distance himself from me. I justified it (or he did) assuming that he was under the impression that I had already broken things up and I actually had not and then when I came with the news that I had finally done it he felt that I had not been true with him. Anyway, finally my relationship with my boyfriend died.
This guy and I started seeing each other but not in public. He said we should not let people from church know right away. It has remained this way. We have distanced ourselves from each other on and off. Usually he initiates the on/off switch. I always go through hurt quietly, but leave him alone. Then he comes back and I never mention what happened before or set new expectations that would benefit me. I always think it's going to be different. Recently he initiated wanting to get close to me again and I felt into the same stupid trap. Approximately two weeks and a half ago, while we were again talking and kind of clse, he wanted to meet me after church to spend time with me (By the way, in church he barely talks to me or looks at me when there are other people around).
I told him that I couldn't because I needed to do something else. He told me well, If you change your mind, Ill be there. I left ahead of him and as I was driving I decided to meet him just for a little while where he said. When he showed up I told him that I couldn't stay, but that I felt bad that he would go and not find me there. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me again, "Are you sure you have to go?" I said, "Yes". Well, I left. That night he sent me a funny e-mail message. The following day I called him. When he finally called me he was barely talking and I was having to carry most of the conversation. That night I said to myself, "I've had it." I'm not going to call him again. Well, It's been almost three weeks, as I mentioned earlier, and he has not picked up the phone to call me. I see him in church and try to smile and act normal. About one-week and a half ago. He seemed (but it may just be in my imagination)that he tried to get a little close to me again, but waiting, in a way, for me to initiate an invitation to our usual meeting place. I did not, eventhough it was hard for me. However, I did ask him, "are you mad at me." He said no and I just said bye.
What do you think about all of this? Do you think that he will try to warm-up to me again after this most recent estrangement? I want him to because I really miss him,but I want it to be under my own terms this time. I cannot take it anymore the way that I have allowed him to treat me for so long.
Also, he is the director of one of the music programs in church, which I am one of its members. Should I continue attending this music group making believe that I am not hurting, or should I just stop going?
Look If he would have treated me like a decent person that I am and at least talked to me in church in front of others, even if not as a girlfriend, I might not feel as bad about this. Victor, please help me. Give me lots of insight and enlightment.
In a way I wish that he would come back trying to get back with me and I had the strength to tell him that it's too late. But my brother tells me that I should not even think about this type of "getting back" at someone behavior. He supposedly was my best friend for a few years before this whole nightmare started, which is why it is also so difficult for me. I have so many mixed feelings. And it is so hard to see him week after week in church. And also hard to stop going to this church where I have some activities and friends. I want to be able to smile again and not care about him.
VictorM's advice:
Marissa, everything you say about him suggests he thinks he really shouldn't be with you, that he only is at moments of weakness. You are the forbidden fruit that he should resist all the time but doesn't always. Every time you're together it's a sign that he has failed in his quest to be a better man, hence is desire to stay away from you.
You see yourself as a decent person, but your actions betray that assessment. You have been an unfaithful woman who lacks self-respect: you cheated on your boyfriend with him, you agreed to being his secret lover, you have tolerated his behavior as a way to try to manipulated him into wanting you, and you have engaged in casual sex outside of marriage. I'm sure most of your fellow church goers would have a problem with your pattern of behavior, and I would have to believe he sees you in the same negative light. Never mind that the same pattern of behavior applies to him; it's OK because he's a man! I know, hypocrisy galore.
You have no future with this man. You are spoiled goods as far as he's concerned, the tempting apple he should have avoided, the source of many sinful thoughts and actions on his part.
By marissa, 39, from florida:
I became intimate with a male friend approximately two years ago. At that time I had a boyfriend and he pursued me. I had a difficult time leaving my boyfriend because I felt guilty although I was sort of having an increasingly romantic relationship with the person I am talking about now. There were times in the relationship when I had the courage to distance myself from my boyfriend and when I did, then this guy would distance himself from me. I justified it (or he did) assuming that he was under the impression that I had already broken things up and I actually had not and then when I came with the news that I had finally done it he felt that I had not been true with him. Anyway, finally my relationship with my boyfriend died.
This guy and I started seeing each other but not in public. He said we should not let people from church know right away. It has remained this way. We have distanced ourselves from each other on and off. Usually he initiates the on/off switch. I always go through hurt quietly, but leave him alone. Then he comes back and I never mention what happened before or set new expectations that would benefit me. I always think it's going to be different. Recently he initiated wanting to get close to me again and I felt into the same stupid trap. Approximately two weeks and a half ago, while we were again talking and kind of clse, he wanted to meet me after church to spend time with me (By the way, in church he barely talks to me or looks at me when there are other people around).
I told him that I couldn't because I needed to do something else. He told me well, If you change your mind, Ill be there. I left ahead of him and as I was driving I decided to meet him just for a little while where he said. When he showed up I told him that I couldn't stay, but that I felt bad that he would go and not find me there. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me again, "Are you sure you have to go?" I said, "Yes". Well, I left. That night he sent me a funny e-mail message. The following day I called him. When he finally called me he was barely talking and I was having to carry most of the conversation. That night I said to myself, "I've had it." I'm not going to call him again. Well, It's been almost three weeks, as I mentioned earlier, and he has not picked up the phone to call me. I see him in church and try to smile and act normal. About one-week and a half ago. He seemed (but it may just be in my imagination)that he tried to get a little close to me again, but waiting, in a way, for me to initiate an invitation to our usual meeting place. I did not, eventhough it was hard for me. However, I did ask him, "are you mad at me." He said no and I just said bye.
What do you think about all of this? Do you think that he will try to warm-up to me again after this most recent estrangement? I want him to because I really miss him,but I want it to be under my own terms this time. I cannot take it anymore the way that I have allowed him to treat me for so long.
Also, he is the director of one of the music programs in church, which I am one of its members. Should I continue attending this music group making believe that I am not hurting, or should I just stop going?
Look If he would have treated me like a decent person that I am and at least talked to me in church in front of others, even if not as a girlfriend, I might not feel as bad about this. Victor, please help me. Give me lots of insight and enlightment.
In a way I wish that he would come back trying to get back with me and I had the strength to tell him that it's too late. But my brother tells me that I should not even think about this type of "getting back" at someone behavior. He supposedly was my best friend for a few years before this whole nightmare started, which is why it is also so difficult for me. I have so many mixed feelings. And it is so hard to see him week after week in church. And also hard to stop going to this church where I have some activities and friends. I want to be able to smile again and not care about him.
VictorM's advice:
Marissa, everything you say about him suggests he thinks he really shouldn't be with you, that he only is at moments of weakness. You are the forbidden fruit that he should resist all the time but doesn't always. Every time you're together it's a sign that he has failed in his quest to be a better man, hence is desire to stay away from you.
You see yourself as a decent person, but your actions betray that assessment. You have been an unfaithful woman who lacks self-respect: you cheated on your boyfriend with him, you agreed to being his secret lover, you have tolerated his behavior as a way to try to manipulated him into wanting you, and you have engaged in casual sex outside of marriage. I'm sure most of your fellow church goers would have a problem with your pattern of behavior, and I would have to believe he sees you in the same negative light. Never mind that the same pattern of behavior applies to him; it's OK because he's a man! I know, hypocrisy galore.
You have no future with this man. You are spoiled goods as far as he's concerned, the tempting apple he should have avoided, the source of many sinful thoughts and actions on his part.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Time/energy
Submitted on Thursday, June 19, 2008
By lynda, 17, from texas:
I think I am fantasizing but who knows?
My best guy friend & I come from 2 very different groups of friends. His friends were mean about us, mine annoying. This spring, rumors fly I’m crushing on him. It got so out of hand & awkward, that I finally called him last week to tell him I value our relationship way too much to let something like that ruin us. He was so glad I called, said he loves talking to me & spending time with me but it's been really hard b/c his friends have given him so much crap about me. Since the call, we are so much more relaxed & free in our friendship. Getting closer everyday. During the 8-10 weeks all this was happening, he never stopped texting/talking, etc…with me. Was always attentive & pretty wonderful.
I know we’re just friends…but sometimes it seems like there’s something more brewing & I can’t tell for sure. I’m so willing to be patient to see where this leads or if it ever will. We get along really well & when we’re together we can’t stop talking…very compatible. I am content to be friends, but secretly hope someday it will be more. I know you have NO way of predicting the future, but could there be something more? I will probably never say anything to him about my “hopes” mostly because of recent phone conversations. But do guys invest a lot of time/energy in a girl they just want to be friends with? I have a few guy friends, but none like him…
VictorM's advice:
The answer to your questions is a big, fat, Texas size NO! A typical guy would not spend so much time with a girl and put up with grief from his friends to just be friends with her. I say he's fantasizing about you as much as you fantasize about him. But guys like taking things slow, so I don't expect him to rush into anything. He's going to make sure you're worth all the trouble before making a move, unless the attraction fizzes out. But if it does, so will the friendship.
By lynda, 17, from texas:
I think I am fantasizing but who knows?
My best guy friend & I come from 2 very different groups of friends. His friends were mean about us, mine annoying. This spring, rumors fly I’m crushing on him. It got so out of hand & awkward, that I finally called him last week to tell him I value our relationship way too much to let something like that ruin us. He was so glad I called, said he loves talking to me & spending time with me but it's been really hard b/c his friends have given him so much crap about me. Since the call, we are so much more relaxed & free in our friendship. Getting closer everyday. During the 8-10 weeks all this was happening, he never stopped texting/talking, etc…with me. Was always attentive & pretty wonderful.
I know we’re just friends…but sometimes it seems like there’s something more brewing & I can’t tell for sure. I’m so willing to be patient to see where this leads or if it ever will. We get along really well & when we’re together we can’t stop talking…very compatible. I am content to be friends, but secretly hope someday it will be more. I know you have NO way of predicting the future, but could there be something more? I will probably never say anything to him about my “hopes” mostly because of recent phone conversations. But do guys invest a lot of time/energy in a girl they just want to be friends with? I have a few guy friends, but none like him…
VictorM's advice:
The answer to your questions is a big, fat, Texas size NO! A typical guy would not spend so much time with a girl and put up with grief from his friends to just be friends with her. I say he's fantasizing about you as much as you fantasize about him. But guys like taking things slow, so I don't expect him to rush into anything. He's going to make sure you're worth all the trouble before making a move, unless the attraction fizzes out. But if it does, so will the friendship.
He is being super nice to me
Submitted on Thursday, June 19, 2008
By kara, 21, from california:
I have a new "friend with benefits," however, he is being super nice to me and I don't know if he's falling for me or buttering me up. He wants to take me on an actual date, hangs out with me without sex (even though our origional intent was to be "fuck buddies") he also calls me at least once a day to see how I'm doing, and calls me pet names like "sweetie" "cutie" etc. Is he buttering me up for more sex, falling for me, none of the above?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like you're the type of girl that needs more buttering up to have sex.
Is he falling for you? I doubt it. Guys usually don't fall for fuck buddies.
I'm guessing he thinks it's fine for him to just want sex, but not for you. He likes you enough to want to find a way to fuck you and still respect you, so adding some normal dating aspects to your arrangement makes him deal with the situation better. Makes it seem more, you know... normal.
Sounds to me like he's more uncomfortable with the "friends with benefits" deal than you are.
By kara, 21, from california:
I have a new "friend with benefits," however, he is being super nice to me and I don't know if he's falling for me or buttering me up. He wants to take me on an actual date, hangs out with me without sex (even though our origional intent was to be "fuck buddies") he also calls me at least once a day to see how I'm doing, and calls me pet names like "sweetie" "cutie" etc. Is he buttering me up for more sex, falling for me, none of the above?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like you're the type of girl that needs more buttering up to have sex.
Is he falling for you? I doubt it. Guys usually don't fall for fuck buddies.
I'm guessing he thinks it's fine for him to just want sex, but not for you. He likes you enough to want to find a way to fuck you and still respect you, so adding some normal dating aspects to your arrangement makes him deal with the situation better. Makes it seem more, you know... normal.
Sounds to me like he's more uncomfortable with the "friends with benefits" deal than you are.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
The first 2 months he was chasing me
Submitted on Tuesday, June 17, 2008
By shannon, 38, from ky:
I have been dating a guy for 3 months. The first 2 months he was chasing me. Then I started to have feelings and began to chase him. I can tell he is backing off and asked him what's up. Today he said that lately he has been feeling very pressured. I know he is dating other people. We have messed around but not slept together. How do I get him interested again?
VictorM's advice:
Stop chasing him!
By shannon, 38, from ky:
I have been dating a guy for 3 months. The first 2 months he was chasing me. Then I started to have feelings and began to chase him. I can tell he is backing off and asked him what's up. Today he said that lately he has been feeling very pressured. I know he is dating other people. We have messed around but not slept together. How do I get him interested again?
VictorM's advice:
Stop chasing him!
Him and his guy friend used to 'fool around'
Submitted on Monday, June 16, 2008
By Shannah, 18, from california:
My boyfriend recently told me that when he was younger him and his guy friend used to 'fool around'. He reassured me that he is not gay and that it was just something he did as a kid. But lately during sex, he keeps trying to get me to put my finger in a certain area, and I was wondering, should I worry about him being gay/bisexual? I know some guys like that kind of stuff, but I'm starting to wonder. Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
Of course there is no way for me to know whether he's gay or bi, but I can say that the two pieces of information you provided are totally normal for a heterosexual guy. Yes, kids do experiment. Often even siblings do it up until the time they are more mature. And everyone has different erogenous zones in their body, the one you hinted at being more common than most guys would admit.
Unless you have more to go on, I suggest the only thing you should worry about is washing your hands after. ;)
By Shannah, 18, from california:
My boyfriend recently told me that when he was younger him and his guy friend used to 'fool around'. He reassured me that he is not gay and that it was just something he did as a kid. But lately during sex, he keeps trying to get me to put my finger in a certain area, and I was wondering, should I worry about him being gay/bisexual? I know some guys like that kind of stuff, but I'm starting to wonder. Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
Of course there is no way for me to know whether he's gay or bi, but I can say that the two pieces of information you provided are totally normal for a heterosexual guy. Yes, kids do experiment. Often even siblings do it up until the time they are more mature. And everyone has different erogenous zones in their body, the one you hinted at being more common than most guys would admit.
Unless you have more to go on, I suggest the only thing you should worry about is washing your hands after. ;)
He always seems to disappear without talking to me for a week
Submitted on Monday, June 16, 2008
By tammy, 26, from Texas:
Hi there,
I think i am in love with this guy that i met online and he lives all the way in California. We spend hours talking on the phone and online. We haven't met yet but plan to soon. My problem is that this guy tells me that he likes me a lot and is very much attracted to me and wants to be with me but somehow he always seems to dissappear without talking to me for a week and than starts talking to me for a week and then disappears again. I feel like i am the last thing on his mind and when i do tell him that he says it's nothing and doesn't open up to me and tell me what's going on...... it drives me crazy. He is perfect because we are so opposite of each other in so many ways and that adds spice to this relationship. He is funny and well informed and talking to him is always a pleasure. I don't know how to get to him... I don't know if he is interested or not. I don't want to say goodbye and live the rest of my life with 'what if'.....help me plz!
VictorM's advice:
Yes, yes, I get it: he's perfect expect for the times when he's not. Sorta reminds me of the song: "Everybody knows that you've been faithful, ah give or take a night or two."
Online relationships are misleading because what you are doing is replacing the unknown with imaginations of perfection. In your mind, he is exactly as a man should be, relative to all the things you don't know about him: his smell, his table manners, the way he dresses, the way he walks, etc. None of those things may meet your approval when you do meet him, but you don't want to consider that possibility because that would render him "not perfect" and that doesn't match your vision of the perfect mate.
Believe me, it's much easier to be funny and charming online than in person, particularly when you can disappear for a week at a time and you don't have to explain yourself.
But I know all about the "what if" part. I always strongly advise people to remove that doubt. You should resolve the "what if..." but you really should lower your expectations and drop the "he's perfect" bullshit because making you laugh and reading the news does not make one perfect. The list of things that are a problem to you will be long, you just don't see it yet.
So if you have to meet him to make sure, meet him. But some words of caution: 1) Do NOT visit him, have him come visit you so that you can plan to go to places that are safe; 2) Make sure someone close to you knows about this meeting; 3) Meet him first in a public place; 4) At the slightest hint that you're uncomfortable about him, step away.
By tammy, 26, from Texas:
Hi there,
I think i am in love with this guy that i met online and he lives all the way in California. We spend hours talking on the phone and online. We haven't met yet but plan to soon. My problem is that this guy tells me that he likes me a lot and is very much attracted to me and wants to be with me but somehow he always seems to dissappear without talking to me for a week and than starts talking to me for a week and then disappears again. I feel like i am the last thing on his mind and when i do tell him that he says it's nothing and doesn't open up to me and tell me what's going on...... it drives me crazy. He is perfect because we are so opposite of each other in so many ways and that adds spice to this relationship. He is funny and well informed and talking to him is always a pleasure. I don't know how to get to him... I don't know if he is interested or not. I don't want to say goodbye and live the rest of my life with 'what if'.....help me plz!
VictorM's advice:
Yes, yes, I get it: he's perfect expect for the times when he's not. Sorta reminds me of the song: "Everybody knows that you've been faithful, ah give or take a night or two."
Online relationships are misleading because what you are doing is replacing the unknown with imaginations of perfection. In your mind, he is exactly as a man should be, relative to all the things you don't know about him: his smell, his table manners, the way he dresses, the way he walks, etc. None of those things may meet your approval when you do meet him, but you don't want to consider that possibility because that would render him "not perfect" and that doesn't match your vision of the perfect mate.
Believe me, it's much easier to be funny and charming online than in person, particularly when you can disappear for a week at a time and you don't have to explain yourself.
But I know all about the "what if" part. I always strongly advise people to remove that doubt. You should resolve the "what if..." but you really should lower your expectations and drop the "he's perfect" bullshit because making you laugh and reading the news does not make one perfect. The list of things that are a problem to you will be long, you just don't see it yet.
So if you have to meet him to make sure, meet him. But some words of caution: 1) Do NOT visit him, have him come visit you so that you can plan to go to places that are safe; 2) Make sure someone close to you knows about this meeting; 3) Meet him first in a public place; 4) At the slightest hint that you're uncomfortable about him, step away.
I wish he would call me a little bit more
Submitted on Monday, June 16, 2008
By Amy, 13, from United States:
Hi. I have this bf and we'v been going out for almost a year now. Anyway there was this girl who would flirt with every guy in school and my bf was one of them. im not sure if she knew i was going out with him or not... and me and my bf never really talked in school that much cuz we only had one class together. Also im the one who calls him. He only called me twice before but the first time he had a qustion for me about a note that he got from the girl i just told you about and so he aksed me about it to see if it was true and it wasnt!. Anyway the second time he called i wasnt home i was at a friends house. then when i got home my mom said he called so i called him back. He just wanted to ask me to go to a movie with him. ( im not saying thats a bad thing ) but sometimes i wish he would call me a little bit more. This summer i havent been able to call him cuz iv been busy helping my mom around the house and going over next door and helping them do some yard work and stuff like that. Sometimes i wonder if he even cares at all or if he might be cheating but i really dout he is... i love him so much i dont want to lose him again but im not so sure what to do anymore?
VictorM's advice:
Two things I have to say:
1. Get used to guys not calling you as much as you'd like. It's very typical for calls to call when there's actually something specific to say, not just to blabber life away. But if you wish he would call you more often, even if just to say hello, let him know that. But don't nag him about it.
2. "i love him so much i don't want to lose him" ... the "don't want to lose him" thinking tends to make girls suffocating and dependent. Fight that feeling if you want to be happy. I'm not saying you shouldn't care, but your attitude may lead to neediness. Don't worry about losing him; worry about being happy and respected. If you lose him... well, you're better off without him than with an unhappy him.
By Amy, 13, from United States:
Hi. I have this bf and we'v been going out for almost a year now. Anyway there was this girl who would flirt with every guy in school and my bf was one of them. im not sure if she knew i was going out with him or not... and me and my bf never really talked in school that much cuz we only had one class together. Also im the one who calls him. He only called me twice before but the first time he had a qustion for me about a note that he got from the girl i just told you about and so he aksed me about it to see if it was true and it wasnt!. Anyway the second time he called i wasnt home i was at a friends house. then when i got home my mom said he called so i called him back. He just wanted to ask me to go to a movie with him. ( im not saying thats a bad thing ) but sometimes i wish he would call me a little bit more. This summer i havent been able to call him cuz iv been busy helping my mom around the house and going over next door and helping them do some yard work and stuff like that. Sometimes i wonder if he even cares at all or if he might be cheating but i really dout he is... i love him so much i dont want to lose him again but im not so sure what to do anymore?
VictorM's advice:
Two things I have to say:
1. Get used to guys not calling you as much as you'd like. It's very typical for calls to call when there's actually something specific to say, not just to blabber life away. But if you wish he would call you more often, even if just to say hello, let him know that. But don't nag him about it.
2. "i love him so much i don't want to lose him" ... the "don't want to lose him" thinking tends to make girls suffocating and dependent. Fight that feeling if you want to be happy. I'm not saying you shouldn't care, but your attitude may lead to neediness. Don't worry about losing him; worry about being happy and respected. If you lose him... well, you're better off without him than with an unhappy him.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Does playing hard to get work?
Submitted on Saturday, June 14, 2008
By Lynn, 30, from Thailand:
When it comes to attracting a guy, does playing hard to get work? Or if you tell him that you just want friendship when in actual fact you want a relationship. Does that make him more attracted to you?
VictorM's advice:
Playing hard to get works when the guy likes you and you just want to make sure you're a challenge to him so he doesn't take you for granted. But if the guy isn't paying you too much attention, then playing hard to get isn't going to help you.
Girls like to get into a relationship and then getting to know the guy; guys like to getting to know the girl before getting into a relationship. So signaling that you're not desperate to get him into a ball and chain is more likely to allow him to wanting to get to know you.
Feeling attracted to someone isn't about the other person but how that person makes you feel about yourself. Make a guy feel smart, funny, and sexy, and he'll want to be around you.
By Lynn, 30, from Thailand:
When it comes to attracting a guy, does playing hard to get work? Or if you tell him that you just want friendship when in actual fact you want a relationship. Does that make him more attracted to you?
VictorM's advice:
Playing hard to get works when the guy likes you and you just want to make sure you're a challenge to him so he doesn't take you for granted. But if the guy isn't paying you too much attention, then playing hard to get isn't going to help you.
Girls like to get into a relationship and then getting to know the guy; guys like to getting to know the girl before getting into a relationship. So signaling that you're not desperate to get him into a ball and chain is more likely to allow him to wanting to get to know you.
Feeling attracted to someone isn't about the other person but how that person makes you feel about yourself. Make a guy feel smart, funny, and sexy, and he'll want to be around you.
We live in different states
Submitted on Saturday, June 14, 2008
By megan, 29, from new york:
my guy friend and i have been hangin out for about 3yrs, we live in different states we see each other every three months, to catch sometimes we have sex or just talk pass till we pass out, or get drunk. we don't talk everyday, we text every now and then to let each other know we are thinkin g about each other. i really don't know where it is going, i love our friendship, but i wonder is it that or is it just a hook up?
VictorM's answer:
Sounds to me like you're friends with benefits, nothing more, nothing less. But if you really want to know, ask him.
By megan, 29, from new york:
my guy friend and i have been hangin out for about 3yrs, we live in different states we see each other every three months, to catch sometimes we have sex or just talk pass till we pass out, or get drunk. we don't talk everyday, we text every now and then to let each other know we are thinkin g about each other. i really don't know where it is going, i love our friendship, but i wonder is it that or is it just a hook up?
VictorM's answer:
Sounds to me like you're friends with benefits, nothing more, nothing less. But if you really want to know, ask him.
He won't say he loves me
Submitted on Saturday, June 14, 2008
By Mandy, 29, from Los Angeles:
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year, and he treats me well and seems to care a lot about me, but won't say he loves me. Should I stay with him?
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you must... I repeat MUST... realize is that his lack of saying the words "I love you" isn't about you; it's all about him. It's about his upbringing and his inhibitions. His behavior says a lot more about the kind of home life he had, how his mom and dad dealt with him, what experiences he had when he showed affection, etc. than it does with his feelings for you. I want to emphasize that you should deal with this as if he had some medical condition -- you should help him and not allow it to be a reflection of your role in the relationship.
Dealing with this would be best left to a professional therapist but if he's not interested in seeking help, this situation could be a problem. Not only is it natural for you to want to hear expressions of love but if you two have children, do you want them to have a father who can't verbalize his emotions? Sounds like you wouldn't.
Even if he doesn't seek help, still try to understand his upbringing and please consider carefully how you talk to him about it. If you sound accusatory ("You never say you love me", "you're so cold", etc.) you're bound to get him to dig his heels deeper. You should talk in first person and mention your feelings ("I would be so happy to hear you say you love me"). If you talk this way, maybe he'll respond positively to wanting you to make you happy more than he would to you wanting him to change.
Do try to work things out if he's a good guy but don't dismiss the importance of having a partner that from time to time let's you know what you mean to him.
By Mandy, 29, from Los Angeles:
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year, and he treats me well and seems to care a lot about me, but won't say he loves me. Should I stay with him?
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you must... I repeat MUST... realize is that his lack of saying the words "I love you" isn't about you; it's all about him. It's about his upbringing and his inhibitions. His behavior says a lot more about the kind of home life he had, how his mom and dad dealt with him, what experiences he had when he showed affection, etc. than it does with his feelings for you. I want to emphasize that you should deal with this as if he had some medical condition -- you should help him and not allow it to be a reflection of your role in the relationship.
Dealing with this would be best left to a professional therapist but if he's not interested in seeking help, this situation could be a problem. Not only is it natural for you to want to hear expressions of love but if you two have children, do you want them to have a father who can't verbalize his emotions? Sounds like you wouldn't.
Even if he doesn't seek help, still try to understand his upbringing and please consider carefully how you talk to him about it. If you sound accusatory ("You never say you love me", "you're so cold", etc.) you're bound to get him to dig his heels deeper. You should talk in first person and mention your feelings ("I would be so happy to hear you say you love me"). If you talk this way, maybe he'll respond positively to wanting you to make you happy more than he would to you wanting him to change.
Do try to work things out if he's a good guy but don't dismiss the importance of having a partner that from time to time let's you know what you mean to him.
Do I contact him and ask what's up or just leave it?
Submitted on Saturday, June 14, 2008
By Lilly, 25, from Australia:
Thanks for your advice Victor - much appreciated. I hope you'll answer this question too (I'm the ' We went out for drinks and couldn't stop talking' girl). Well, as you've read previously this guy seemed so eager to see me again and wanted to 'definitely' do something the coming week. A week has gone by since he said that and I haven't heard from him. My question to you is do I contact him and ask what's up or just leave it...if he was interested he'd contact me? I don't want to be pushy but I really like him. Is it possible that he is interested but is not contacting me because he's confused as to what to do (considering there's a gf)? I figure he can't be not interested, even a little, because he was the one who contacted me after our get together and said he had a good time with me. What should I do? Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance he realized that going out with you was a mistake since he has a girlfriend. Or maybe he needs time to resolve issues with her (dump her) so he can pursue you. Of course, there's also the possibility that he lost interest in you (I know, so hard to believe :)) but since you have no way of knowing what the story is, I see no downside to contacting him. Go ahead and do it.
By Lilly, 25, from Australia:
Thanks for your advice Victor - much appreciated. I hope you'll answer this question too (I'm the ' We went out for drinks and couldn't stop talking' girl). Well, as you've read previously this guy seemed so eager to see me again and wanted to 'definitely' do something the coming week. A week has gone by since he said that and I haven't heard from him. My question to you is do I contact him and ask what's up or just leave it...if he was interested he'd contact me? I don't want to be pushy but I really like him. Is it possible that he is interested but is not contacting me because he's confused as to what to do (considering there's a gf)? I figure he can't be not interested, even a little, because he was the one who contacted me after our get together and said he had a good time with me. What should I do? Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance he realized that going out with you was a mistake since he has a girlfriend. Or maybe he needs time to resolve issues with her (dump her) so he can pursue you. Of course, there's also the possibility that he lost interest in you (I know, so hard to believe :)) but since you have no way of knowing what the story is, I see no downside to contacting him. Go ahead and do it.
He's really cute and smart
Submitted on Friday, June 13, 2008
By Alexandra, 12, from Seattle, Washington:
Well there's this guy at school. He's really cute and smart and I secretly have a crush on him. Currently we are just friends. He claims he likes one of my best friends. At the dance he asked me to dance with him. He claims i was the only cool person left. We haven't talked about it since. Do you think he likes me? Should I talk to him about it? lately he seems to be fighting for my attention. That's what I used to do with him because i liked him.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but I don't advise you to talk to him about it. Boys your age are rarely ready to have this kind of talk (in this respect, girls mature faster than boys). If you bring it up you're likely to embarrass him and possibly scare him away. I suggest that you just enjoy his friendship and have fun as friends until you're both older.
By Alexandra, 12, from Seattle, Washington:
Well there's this guy at school. He's really cute and smart and I secretly have a crush on him. Currently we are just friends. He claims he likes one of my best friends. At the dance he asked me to dance with him. He claims i was the only cool person left. We haven't talked about it since. Do you think he likes me? Should I talk to him about it? lately he seems to be fighting for my attention. That's what I used to do with him because i liked him.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but I don't advise you to talk to him about it. Boys your age are rarely ready to have this kind of talk (in this respect, girls mature faster than boys). If you bring it up you're likely to embarrass him and possibly scare him away. I suggest that you just enjoy his friendship and have fun as friends until you're both older.
She dove in, part 2
Submitted on Friday, June 13, 2008
By Alana, 21:
Hey it's Alana! I "DOVE IN". We became official. But Victor, I have a problem. Yesterday I went to see him as a surprise, and he seemed pissed off. I asked him what's wrong, he said he was having a bad day. I then asked, "What happened?" He said he didn't know. He was just MEAN. I hugged him and everything, and all he said was "Why are you here?" I told him that I was going to get him and his friend to come out with me and a couple other friends. He said, "No..I have plans." What?? This is strange because he would call/text for me to spend with him and get mad when I can't. Now that I finally can, it's like he doesn't want it? So I told him that I would go watch a baseball game with my friends and head over to play some pool. I asked him if he was gonna meet up with us to play pool, he said, "I don't know." I texted him, called 2 times to check up and see if he was going, he never responded back. Well, I was at the pool hall with my friends (and some of my guy friends that he doesn't really know) and we were there from 9-12 AM. My new "boyfriend" did not call, did not text, nothing to let me know if he was comin or not. My other guy friend (who's HIS friend) called him to pick him up because he was having problems. So that's when my boyfriend showed, and he asked my girl, Miranda, who "those other guys" were. I ignored him. I didn't even look at him. I was upset that he was like this to me. Anyway, he left. I then texted him, "I'll make things easier for you. I know you don't want me. it's okay. YOU do YOU."
By Alana, 21:
Hey it's Alana! I "DOVE IN". We became official. But Victor, I have a problem. Yesterday I went to see him as a surprise, and he seemed pissed off. I asked him what's wrong, he said he was having a bad day. I then asked, "What happened?" He said he didn't know. He was just MEAN. I hugged him and everything, and all he said was "Why are you here?" I told him that I was going to get him and his friend to come out with me and a couple other friends. He said, "No..I have plans." What?? This is strange because he would call/text for me to spend with him and get mad when I can't. Now that I finally can, it's like he doesn't want it? So I told him that I would go watch a baseball game with my friends and head over to play some pool. I asked him if he was gonna meet up with us to play pool, he said, "I don't know." I texted him, called 2 times to check up and see if he was going, he never responded back. Well, I was at the pool hall with my friends (and some of my guy friends that he doesn't really know) and we were there from 9-12 AM. My new "boyfriend" did not call, did not text, nothing to let me know if he was comin or not. My other guy friend (who's HIS friend) called him to pick him up because he was having problems. So that's when my boyfriend showed, and he asked my girl, Miranda, who "those other guys" were. I ignored him. I didn't even look at him. I was upset that he was like this to me. Anyway, he left. I then texted him, "I'll make things easier for you. I know you don't want me. it's okay. YOU do YOU."
He responded an HOUR later, "k i will like i always have." I didn't mind it, I still had my fun night. When it hit 3 AM, I received yet another text from him, "Hey anyway that's cool. you do you. That's what YOU should do, but you are no longer welcome here at my house."
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT???
Anyway, I responded and told him to read his myspace email later because I didn't have the time to argue with him that moment. In my message I explained to him how I felt like he basically blew me off, and I was receiving the vibes from him that he wasn't "interested" and "didn't want" me there... hell, didn't want me PERIOD. Then at the end of my message, I told him I felt like I was just bothering him, and that I was sorry, all I really wanted was for him to be there with me. I don't even see him everyday ya know?
Words from a wise man would be greatly appreciated, VictorM. :)
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend sound fairly typical -- the kind of guy who reverts to the little kid inside him when things don't go his way.
Let's see... he was having a bad day and instead of leaving him alone, you did the female thing and try to make it better. Hopefully you'll learn to just give him space to work things out on his own. See, guys don't need -- heck, most don't like -- the whole motherly, naturing thing. We like to be left alone to solve our own problems.
But then you went out and had fun on your own while he was feeling bad. You selfish creep! (These are not my words; they are his thoughts). And so the little child stepped in and he acted like a little kid.
The good news? These "inner-child" moments pass rather quickly. It varies from guy to guy how long they need, but it will pass. Chances are that he has gotten back to you already since you sent this question and has apologized. If not, well, maybe he's not under the grasp of his inner child; maybe he's just an idiot and you're very lucky to have taken such a quick dive and being alerted to step away.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT???
Anyway, I responded and told him to read his myspace email later because I didn't have the time to argue with him that moment. In my message I explained to him how I felt like he basically blew me off, and I was receiving the vibes from him that he wasn't "interested" and "didn't want" me there... hell, didn't want me PERIOD. Then at the end of my message, I told him I felt like I was just bothering him, and that I was sorry, all I really wanted was for him to be there with me. I don't even see him everyday ya know?
Words from a wise man would be greatly appreciated, VictorM. :)
VictorM's advice:
Your boyfriend sound fairly typical -- the kind of guy who reverts to the little kid inside him when things don't go his way.
Let's see... he was having a bad day and instead of leaving him alone, you did the female thing and try to make it better. Hopefully you'll learn to just give him space to work things out on his own. See, guys don't need -- heck, most don't like -- the whole motherly, naturing thing. We like to be left alone to solve our own problems.
But then you went out and had fun on your own while he was feeling bad. You selfish creep! (These are not my words; they are his thoughts). And so the little child stepped in and he acted like a little kid.
The good news? These "inner-child" moments pass rather quickly. It varies from guy to guy how long they need, but it will pass. Chances are that he has gotten back to you already since you sent this question and has apologized. If not, well, maybe he's not under the grasp of his inner child; maybe he's just an idiot and you're very lucky to have taken such a quick dive and being alerted to step away.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I have almost no experience with men
Submitted on Friday, June 13, 2008
By Nina, 23, from USA:
Hi Victor,
I love this website and really respect your advice. I would appreciate your thoughts on my 'never been kissed' dilemma.
I am an attractive independent woman with a successful career and active vibrant social life, however, I have almost no experience with men. Due to a variety of reasons (strict asian parents, too career focused), I have never really dated. Now that I am independent of my parents, I would like to date, and, hopefully be in a caring relationship someday.
My problem is not that I have difficulty getting dates, but that I am unsure what to tell the men I date about my level of experience, particularly when it comes to the physical aspect. I really have zero experience (I've never been kissed) - should I 'come clean' and tell this to a man I start dating or do I let him simply I assume I have, like a more normal 23 year old, been kissed at some point? I'm worried about telling my date I've never been kissed for fear that he may think I'm a loser/ weirdo for this (also, how to work something like this into conversation!) but I'm also worried that if I'm not explicit about my lack of experience, he may think I'm just a bad kisser for no reason and no longer be interested in me. What do you think?
Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Your sexual past, or lack of it, is not anyone's business and you shouldn't have to discuss it with any guy. If, however, you choose to do so, I would suggest you not do it too soon. Do it when you know the guy better and your relationship has advanced beyond the initial few dates.
Even without ever kissing, I can tell you with much certainty, that you are already a better kisser than most males out there. So when the right time comes, pucker up and do it -- you'll be just fine.
Now, I'm also going to assume that if you get further than kissing, you are doing so because you have established some relationship with the guy. And any guy worth your time should be a guy that fully understands your situation and deals with it with care. If he's not, kiss his ignorant ass goodbye.
But to ease your mind, let me tell you that most guys would cut off an arm to be with a virgin. Purge from your mind any idea that guys would look down upon you for being a virgin. Quite the opposite -- they'll build you a pedestal! Don't believe me? I ask you, when terrorists seek suicide bombers, do they promise them 72 "been around the block a lot" girls in paradise? No! They get 72 brand spanking new virgins!
Do not let your inexperience be an issue because it won't be for the right guy!
By Nina, 23, from USA:
Hi Victor,
I love this website and really respect your advice. I would appreciate your thoughts on my 'never been kissed' dilemma.
I am an attractive independent woman with a successful career and active vibrant social life, however, I have almost no experience with men. Due to a variety of reasons (strict asian parents, too career focused), I have never really dated. Now that I am independent of my parents, I would like to date, and, hopefully be in a caring relationship someday.
My problem is not that I have difficulty getting dates, but that I am unsure what to tell the men I date about my level of experience, particularly when it comes to the physical aspect. I really have zero experience (I've never been kissed) - should I 'come clean' and tell this to a man I start dating or do I let him simply I assume I have, like a more normal 23 year old, been kissed at some point? I'm worried about telling my date I've never been kissed for fear that he may think I'm a loser/ weirdo for this (also, how to work something like this into conversation!) but I'm also worried that if I'm not explicit about my lack of experience, he may think I'm just a bad kisser for no reason and no longer be interested in me. What do you think?
Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Your sexual past, or lack of it, is not anyone's business and you shouldn't have to discuss it with any guy. If, however, you choose to do so, I would suggest you not do it too soon. Do it when you know the guy better and your relationship has advanced beyond the initial few dates.
Even without ever kissing, I can tell you with much certainty, that you are already a better kisser than most males out there. So when the right time comes, pucker up and do it -- you'll be just fine.
Now, I'm also going to assume that if you get further than kissing, you are doing so because you have established some relationship with the guy. And any guy worth your time should be a guy that fully understands your situation and deals with it with care. If he's not, kiss his ignorant ass goodbye.
But to ease your mind, let me tell you that most guys would cut off an arm to be with a virgin. Purge from your mind any idea that guys would look down upon you for being a virgin. Quite the opposite -- they'll build you a pedestal! Don't believe me? I ask you, when terrorists seek suicide bombers, do they promise them 72 "been around the block a lot" girls in paradise? No! They get 72 brand spanking new virgins!
Do not let your inexperience be an issue because it won't be for the right guy!
He doesn't want me there
Submitted on Thursday, June 12, 2008
By kirsten, 40, from ohio:
You had commented on a situation I had in May. At that time I had told you that this guy and I had been dating almost 2 years and he does not include me in his family events. You had suggested that perhaps this is coming from his family and suggested I talk to him, letting him know how important being a part of his family was. I did talk to him after he told me he was going to his family annual reunion with his daughter, where over 100 relatives meet in Florida for 1 week. I asked him why he was not including me in this vacation and he could not give me a straight answer. He finally said that since he and his daughter are staying with his parents and his parents pay for the condo, he did not feel comfortable asking if I could come, which seemed like a reasonable answer. However, just last week, his mother asked me to join them on this vacation and told me that she had told him that I was more then welcome to join them this year. He never asked me and I did not want to bring it up again, because I figured he would have asked me it he wanted me to go and per your earlier advice I did not want to be a nag. But I am really hurt by this whole thing. Mostly, because he can't tell me the real reason he doesn't want me there. He has been divorced for 4 years now, but still seems uncomfortable with our relationship. He dated 2 other women before he met me (1 for 6 months and 1 for 9 months), so I am not his first post-divorce relationship. He seems very committed to me, but his inability to include me in his family "events" makes me question a lot of things. Perhaps I'm reading too much into not being asked, but I am confused and perhaps our relationship is not where I think it is. He is a very closed person, so talking is almost painful. Please - any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know his real motivation but there is one possible reason that comes to mind: this is a family reunion and you're not family! Maybe it's that simple in his mind, regardless of what his mother or anyone else has to say about it.
You said he had two previous relationships after his divorce. Did he take any of those ladies to any of these type of reunions? If he did, the reason I stated above doesn't fit, but if he didn't take them, then that could very well be the reason. And frankly, I could understand his point if that is the reason -- you simply are not family yet and he's not willing to be pressured into making you part of the family before he's ready for it.
By kirsten, 40, from ohio:
You had commented on a situation I had in May. At that time I had told you that this guy and I had been dating almost 2 years and he does not include me in his family events. You had suggested that perhaps this is coming from his family and suggested I talk to him, letting him know how important being a part of his family was. I did talk to him after he told me he was going to his family annual reunion with his daughter, where over 100 relatives meet in Florida for 1 week. I asked him why he was not including me in this vacation and he could not give me a straight answer. He finally said that since he and his daughter are staying with his parents and his parents pay for the condo, he did not feel comfortable asking if I could come, which seemed like a reasonable answer. However, just last week, his mother asked me to join them on this vacation and told me that she had told him that I was more then welcome to join them this year. He never asked me and I did not want to bring it up again, because I figured he would have asked me it he wanted me to go and per your earlier advice I did not want to be a nag. But I am really hurt by this whole thing. Mostly, because he can't tell me the real reason he doesn't want me there. He has been divorced for 4 years now, but still seems uncomfortable with our relationship. He dated 2 other women before he met me (1 for 6 months and 1 for 9 months), so I am not his first post-divorce relationship. He seems very committed to me, but his inability to include me in his family "events" makes me question a lot of things. Perhaps I'm reading too much into not being asked, but I am confused and perhaps our relationship is not where I think it is. He is a very closed person, so talking is almost painful. Please - any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know his real motivation but there is one possible reason that comes to mind: this is a family reunion and you're not family! Maybe it's that simple in his mind, regardless of what his mother or anyone else has to say about it.
You said he had two previous relationships after his divorce. Did he take any of those ladies to any of these type of reunions? If he did, the reason I stated above doesn't fit, but if he didn't take them, then that could very well be the reason. And frankly, I could understand his point if that is the reason -- you simply are not family yet and he's not willing to be pressured into making you part of the family before he's ready for it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
We decided to move in together
Submitted on Monday, June 16, 2008
By Shae' Anne, 18, from arizona:
It's me again! :]
Well me and my boyfriend talked it out and we decided to move in together. But now i started thinking, every couple i know that moved in together ended up not being very happy anymore. My friend Ashley complains that her and her boyfriend never go out anywhere anymore, and that there just grumpy all the time. Is there anyways i can stop that from happening? He has a job but hes going to get a new one and im going to get one too, so we will be busy alot and not get tired of each other or anything, but i love being with him and seeing him. I just dont want anything to get ruined. Any help/suggestions? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
What most people fail to realize is that even the most loving relationships require a lot of work to make them work. When you marry or move in together, you will have to deal with each other not only when you're feeling good, but also when you're cranky, moody, stressed, tired, etc. Learning to give each other space under those circumstances rather than becoming selfish and demanding that life be rosy all the time is important.
I can't give you specific advice because every situation is different. But do not worry about others having failed. Your success or failure has nothing to do with them. Finding happiness in a relationship is never assured. The important thing is that you find someone with whom giving it a shot makes it worth your while.
Will it last, will it not? Life is exciting, in part, because there are no guarantees and no certainties. But at least, consider how much you'll save on gas and how you'll help the climate crisis. :)
PS. Your original question was noticed by a reporter for a national newsmagazine (huge one too; you'll recognize the name right away) and she would like to interview you for a story. If you're up to it, send me a submission with your email address and I'll put you in touch with her. I have done my best to verify that this reporter is legitimate and to the best of my knowledge she is. Her email address, name, and magazine are verifiable.
By Shae' Anne, 18, from arizona:
It's me again! :]
Well me and my boyfriend talked it out and we decided to move in together. But now i started thinking, every couple i know that moved in together ended up not being very happy anymore. My friend Ashley complains that her and her boyfriend never go out anywhere anymore, and that there just grumpy all the time. Is there anyways i can stop that from happening? He has a job but hes going to get a new one and im going to get one too, so we will be busy alot and not get tired of each other or anything, but i love being with him and seeing him. I just dont want anything to get ruined. Any help/suggestions? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
What most people fail to realize is that even the most loving relationships require a lot of work to make them work. When you marry or move in together, you will have to deal with each other not only when you're feeling good, but also when you're cranky, moody, stressed, tired, etc. Learning to give each other space under those circumstances rather than becoming selfish and demanding that life be rosy all the time is important.
I can't give you specific advice because every situation is different. But do not worry about others having failed. Your success or failure has nothing to do with them. Finding happiness in a relationship is never assured. The important thing is that you find someone with whom giving it a shot makes it worth your while.
Will it last, will it not? Life is exciting, in part, because there are no guarantees and no certainties. But at least, consider how much you'll save on gas and how you'll help the climate crisis. :)
PS. Your original question was noticed by a reporter for a national newsmagazine (huge one too; you'll recognize the name right away) and she would like to interview you for a story. If you're up to it, send me a submission with your email address and I'll put you in touch with her. I have done my best to verify that this reporter is legitimate and to the best of my knowledge she is. Her email address, name, and magazine are verifiable.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Is it possible to get pregnant?
By Chariee, AGE: 17, from california:
This might seem like a very strange question to ask, but i tried looking it up on the internet but i couldn't find anything, and since your a guy i was hoping you'd know. If i gave my boyfriend oral sex, and he ejaculated in my mouth, and I swallowed, but there was still a little bit on his penis, then about 20 minutes later (it was dried by then) we had sex, is it possible to get pregnant? SORRY! it might sound strange but... i really need to know. THANKS!
VictorM's advice:
According to this doctor, once it dries, it dies. But if I understand you correctly and you're having sex without condoms and/or birth control, you are living dangerously because you can easily get pregnant with pre-cum, which no matter what your boyfriend says, he can't control.
This might seem like a very strange question to ask, but i tried looking it up on the internet but i couldn't find anything, and since your a guy i was hoping you'd know. If i gave my boyfriend oral sex, and he ejaculated in my mouth, and I swallowed, but there was still a little bit on his penis, then about 20 minutes later (it was dried by then) we had sex, is it possible to get pregnant? SORRY! it might sound strange but... i really need to know. THANKS!
VictorM's advice:
According to this doctor, once it dries, it dies. But if I understand you correctly and you're having sex without condoms and/or birth control, you are living dangerously because you can easily get pregnant with pre-cum, which no matter what your boyfriend says, he can't control.
Message for Saybel
You can read your original questions+answer, as well as my reply to your follow-up submission by clicking here.
Me and this one guy had a great connection
Submitted on Thursday, June 12, 2008
By Steph, 19, from edmonton:
Hey there,
By Steph, 19, from edmonton:
Hey there,
I recently went on a camping trip with a bunch of my friends. Long story short, all of my friends noticed that me and this one guy had a great connection - we made eye contact, we smiled at eachother, we laughed about the same things, and we had so much in common. So, through talking to people, he found out i liked him and vice-versa. Anyway, on the last night, we ended up kissing and it got a little heavy so I told him straight up that I didn't want to do anything with him if it was only going to be a one-night thing, because i never do things like that.
After camping, we talked for a week and hung out a couple times. Then he ignored me for 2 straight weeks and now he seems to be avoiding me. I ran into him last week and he still kept eye contact, smiled, and laughed with me. I'm really confused with what he wants and I told him that. all he said was to not get so worked up because he's been busy (which i think is a lie). Now he hasn't seen me for about 3 weeks and i'm really hurt because he said he would see me again.
What makes a guy do something like this? I'm hurt, confused, frustrated, and angry. And it's not like i was imagining his interest in me, all my friends and his friends noticed it too.
VictorM's advice:
It's simple: he had some initial attraction to you but he got over you and lost interest.
He was pleasant with you when he saw you because it's simply good social manners to be that way and because he still likes you as a person.
Guys will almost never tell a girl they're not interested, they just make up excuses (being busy is the number one excuse) because: 1) they don't want to hurt your feelings, and 2) because they don't want to burn any bridges.
This is nothing to get angry about; just something to move on from.
After camping, we talked for a week and hung out a couple times. Then he ignored me for 2 straight weeks and now he seems to be avoiding me. I ran into him last week and he still kept eye contact, smiled, and laughed with me. I'm really confused with what he wants and I told him that. all he said was to not get so worked up because he's been busy (which i think is a lie). Now he hasn't seen me for about 3 weeks and i'm really hurt because he said he would see me again.
What makes a guy do something like this? I'm hurt, confused, frustrated, and angry. And it's not like i was imagining his interest in me, all my friends and his friends noticed it too.
VictorM's advice:
It's simple: he had some initial attraction to you but he got over you and lost interest.
He was pleasant with you when he saw you because it's simply good social manners to be that way and because he still likes you as a person.
Guys will almost never tell a girl they're not interested, they just make up excuses (being busy is the number one excuse) because: 1) they don't want to hurt your feelings, and 2) because they don't want to burn any bridges.
This is nothing to get angry about; just something to move on from.
Flaky in past relationships
Submitted on Wednesday, June 11, 2008
By Julie, 28, from London UK:
I have been dating my man since Xmas 07 and exclusive with him since Easter. He wanted to be exclusive sooner however I had some reservations, so we waited until I felt comfortable. Generally things are really good and he treats me well, however he is between jobs and hasn't been working for a few months. This means he is very short of cash at present (he wasn't when we first met) - I don't know if this is just a phase.
Recently he has done this thing where he says "I'll call you and we'll do something together on Thursday". Thursday comes and there is no call. He will call the next day and say "I'm sorry I didn't call you I had no phone credit". In my opinion if he really wanted to contact me he could have found a way, not least because he only lives around the corner. I think that it is disrespectful of my time. His opinion is that I'm not being understanding of his situation and that I could have called him as I have got credit. I think he may have been flaky in past relationships and this behaviour was accepted, however I'm not comfortable with it.
I don't really know what to think. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
It's his responsibility to contact you and not doing so it's disrespectful. You'd be a fool to allow this to go on. Being respected has nothing to do with having money or not.
Sure, when he had a job things were fine and he treated you well, but the true measure of another person's character is not when all is well; it's how they face and deal with adversity.
You had some early reservations about going steady with this guy. I don't know what they were but I can tell you this: trust your gut instincts; they seldom let you down.
By Julie, 28, from London UK:
I have been dating my man since Xmas 07 and exclusive with him since Easter. He wanted to be exclusive sooner however I had some reservations, so we waited until I felt comfortable. Generally things are really good and he treats me well, however he is between jobs and hasn't been working for a few months. This means he is very short of cash at present (he wasn't when we first met) - I don't know if this is just a phase.
Recently he has done this thing where he says "I'll call you and we'll do something together on Thursday". Thursday comes and there is no call. He will call the next day and say "I'm sorry I didn't call you I had no phone credit". In my opinion if he really wanted to contact me he could have found a way, not least because he only lives around the corner. I think that it is disrespectful of my time. His opinion is that I'm not being understanding of his situation and that I could have called him as I have got credit. I think he may have been flaky in past relationships and this behaviour was accepted, however I'm not comfortable with it.
I don't really know what to think. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
It's his responsibility to contact you and not doing so it's disrespectful. You'd be a fool to allow this to go on. Being respected has nothing to do with having money or not.
Sure, when he had a job things were fine and he treated you well, but the true measure of another person's character is not when all is well; it's how they face and deal with adversity.
You had some early reservations about going steady with this guy. I don't know what they were but I can tell you this: trust your gut instincts; they seldom let you down.
Yes, you make me laugh
Submitted on Tuesday, June 10, 2008
By sonia, 26, from california:
If a girl ask: "Do you think I can be someone you can trust and make you laugh?" and guy says: "Yes, you make me laugh." What does it actually show?
VictorM's advice:
It shows he's either joking or he doesn't trust you, for whatever reason.
My guess is that he was joking (unless there's history of mistrust between you two).
By sonia, 26, from california:
If a girl ask: "Do you think I can be someone you can trust and make you laugh?" and guy says: "Yes, you make me laugh." What does it actually show?
VictorM's advice:
It shows he's either joking or he doesn't trust you, for whatever reason.
My guess is that he was joking (unless there's history of mistrust between you two).
Friday, June 13, 2008
I have probably just scared a great man off
Submitted on Monday, June 09, 2008
By Kandey, 38, from Midwest:
Hi Victor, Need your help! Due to some previous relations, I have probably just scared a great man off and he has probably run for the hills! How do I practice damage control and not look totally insecure or like I am a nut?
We met, hit it off and just had 1 date together. I wanted to know where I stood with him after and if he intends on seeing others or wants to be exclusive (he had slipped when we were together and said, 'I love you'), which I know really doesn't mean a thing, but I did think it was a good sign. I really like him, but other men are asking me out (which I did not mention to him) and I just wanted to know what his expectations are. Other than him saying he wants to take it slow, he hasn't answered me about this. Should I say anything more or let it go? I am just not sure if I should blow off the other guys and wait around for him or what. One of the guys, a fireman & I went out on a date & we got along great and he has asked me out again, but since I am in 'limbo', not sure if I should go out with the fireman again or if that would be unfair to the guy I really feel connected with. Presently, I am confused! Please shed some light! Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Your decision to go out with the fireman, or any other guy, should not be up to the other guy. You and him are not in a relationship. You've merely gone on dates. So whether you go on other dates or sit at home "in limbo" is entirely up to you. Asking the guy is transferring too much control of your life to him. I'm sure he's not asking you if he can date other girls, is he?
If you are fixed on this one guy and would prefer date only him, that's your choice. If you don't want to sit around waiting, go with mister fireman. And what if the other guy finds out and gets mad at you and stops seeing you? Well... then I'd say he's not the great man that you picture him to be and your loss is not as great as you think it would be. Until you are in a committed relationship, you are free to date. Any great man would understand and accept that.
By Kandey, 38, from Midwest:
Hi Victor, Need your help! Due to some previous relations, I have probably just scared a great man off and he has probably run for the hills! How do I practice damage control and not look totally insecure or like I am a nut?
We met, hit it off and just had 1 date together. I wanted to know where I stood with him after and if he intends on seeing others or wants to be exclusive (he had slipped when we were together and said, 'I love you'), which I know really doesn't mean a thing, but I did think it was a good sign. I really like him, but other men are asking me out (which I did not mention to him) and I just wanted to know what his expectations are. Other than him saying he wants to take it slow, he hasn't answered me about this. Should I say anything more or let it go? I am just not sure if I should blow off the other guys and wait around for him or what. One of the guys, a fireman & I went out on a date & we got along great and he has asked me out again, but since I am in 'limbo', not sure if I should go out with the fireman again or if that would be unfair to the guy I really feel connected with. Presently, I am confused! Please shed some light! Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Your decision to go out with the fireman, or any other guy, should not be up to the other guy. You and him are not in a relationship. You've merely gone on dates. So whether you go on other dates or sit at home "in limbo" is entirely up to you. Asking the guy is transferring too much control of your life to him. I'm sure he's not asking you if he can date other girls, is he?
If you are fixed on this one guy and would prefer date only him, that's your choice. If you don't want to sit around waiting, go with mister fireman. And what if the other guy finds out and gets mad at you and stops seeing you? Well... then I'd say he's not the great man that you picture him to be and your loss is not as great as you think it would be. Until you are in a committed relationship, you are free to date. Any great man would understand and accept that.
A car with more gas mileage
Submitted on Sunday, June 08, 2008
By Shae' Anne, 18, from arizona:
Why Hello Victor.
Its me again. I would like to say thank you for your advice, it helped alot. But now i have a new problem.
So i talked to my boyfriend about everything and things were doing great, but now because of recent gas prices ($4.59 where i live) and him living so far away/working so much, this morning he called me and we talked for hours and we came to the conclusion to go on a break for a little while until he can get a car with more gas mileage and until his job slows down. He told me that he still wants to talk to me and that he still loves me, but he can't handle not being able to see me while we are together, so he wants to take a break until things are easier. He promised that hes not gonna do anything with any other girls or anything and reassured me that he still cares about me and that he doesnt want to break up for good. So basically what im asking is, should i be worried? Is this a sign for a future break up. Will he just forget about me and end up with some other girl? He was still talking about doing things in the future together, and going places together. I dont know im not sure,but he seems like he really does want this to work out, but ive had so many guys tell me 'lets just go on a break' and end up breaking up for real. So yeah, what does all of this mean?
Thanks for the help!!
VictorM's advice:
Of course you should be worried. As I see it, either things aren't as great as you claim (a common fallacy with woman) and your boyfriend is getting ready to jump ship, or your boyfriend simply isn't a very bright fellow.
Come on, so the price of gasoline went up. If he was seeing you once a week, he could just change it to 3 times a month, or even every other weekend. It may not be perfect, but he certainly can keep seeing you without it having to cost him more. But seeing you less is still a lot better than taking a break, if he's really in love with you. So I have to believe that his desire for a break has more to do with lack of feelings (or lack of brains) than gas prices.
And reread this sentence and let me know if it makes any sense to you: "he can't handle not being able to see me while we are together, so he wants to take a break until things are easier." Huh?! He can't handle not being able to see you so the answer is to not see you at all? What the hell, is this guy a Republican?
PS. I hope you vote for Obama for president. These price hikes are a great gift to the oil companies, courtesy of the Bush administration.
By Shae' Anne, 18, from arizona:
Why Hello Victor.
Its me again. I would like to say thank you for your advice, it helped alot. But now i have a new problem.
So i talked to my boyfriend about everything and things were doing great, but now because of recent gas prices ($4.59 where i live) and him living so far away/working so much, this morning he called me and we talked for hours and we came to the conclusion to go on a break for a little while until he can get a car with more gas mileage and until his job slows down. He told me that he still wants to talk to me and that he still loves me, but he can't handle not being able to see me while we are together, so he wants to take a break until things are easier. He promised that hes not gonna do anything with any other girls or anything and reassured me that he still cares about me and that he doesnt want to break up for good. So basically what im asking is, should i be worried? Is this a sign for a future break up. Will he just forget about me and end up with some other girl? He was still talking about doing things in the future together, and going places together. I dont know im not sure,but he seems like he really does want this to work out, but ive had so many guys tell me 'lets just go on a break' and end up breaking up for real. So yeah, what does all of this mean?
Thanks for the help!!
VictorM's advice:
Of course you should be worried. As I see it, either things aren't as great as you claim (a common fallacy with woman) and your boyfriend is getting ready to jump ship, or your boyfriend simply isn't a very bright fellow.
Come on, so the price of gasoline went up. If he was seeing you once a week, he could just change it to 3 times a month, or even every other weekend. It may not be perfect, but he certainly can keep seeing you without it having to cost him more. But seeing you less is still a lot better than taking a break, if he's really in love with you. So I have to believe that his desire for a break has more to do with lack of feelings (or lack of brains) than gas prices.
And reread this sentence and let me know if it makes any sense to you: "he can't handle not being able to see me while we are together, so he wants to take a break until things are easier." Huh?! He can't handle not being able to see you so the answer is to not see you at all? What the hell, is this guy a Republican?
PS. I hope you vote for Obama for president. These price hikes are a great gift to the oil companies, courtesy of the Bush administration.
I took him to my Senior prom a few weeks ago
Submitted on Sunday, June 08, 2008
By Stacey, 18, from PA:
So.. I have this friend Ryan. I've known him for about 3-4 years and recently there's been a lot of sexual (I guess?) tension in our relationship. I find myself flirting with him a lot more than I normally do with anyone. I know I like him and now I'm trying to move from friends to more-than-friends.
I took him to my Senior prom a few weeks ago and we had an amazing time. I grinded for the first time with him.. and let's just say it got pretty hot and heavy. When he said goodbye, my dad was standing right there watching.. so obviously nothing happened, but I could feel a mutual desire for it. I haven't asked him about it since.
Ever since the prom I've been trying to find time to be alone with him so we can talk. But he's always busy with work, etc. Last night we talked on the phone for two hours (would a guy really stay up until 3AM talking to a girl he isn't interested in?).. but there are other times he doesn't call me back. He's not a very predictable person and he's very easy-going so I don't take anything too personally.
I don't know if you have enough details about him, but is there anything you can tell from his actions or can you give me some advice on how to approach the dreaded more-than-friends talk? OR should I just go for it and kiss him to see how it goes? XD
Thank you!!
VictorM's advice:
You have to be careful when trying to measure a guy's interest in you based on grinding or sexual tension. Guys, when in the mood, can even grind with a washing machine (the rinse cycle is particularly appealing).
The 3 AM talk... well, guys could sustain that type of conversation if they like you or if they thing that's what they need to do to score. So again, be careful.
I don't advise you to go for the kiss because to guys a kiss does not always mean love, it means sex. If you want to see if there's serious interest in you from his part, you have to do it without any hint of sexual interaction.
If you offer to spend time with him, such as going to the movies, and he turns you down or is "too busy" for it, then chances are his interest isn't high.
Come on, you're 18 and I suspect he's about the same age. You really shouldn't want to be with a guy who isn't willing to go through hoops to be with you.
By Stacey, 18, from PA:
So.. I have this friend Ryan. I've known him for about 3-4 years and recently there's been a lot of sexual (I guess?) tension in our relationship. I find myself flirting with him a lot more than I normally do with anyone. I know I like him and now I'm trying to move from friends to more-than-friends.
I took him to my Senior prom a few weeks ago and we had an amazing time. I grinded for the first time with him.. and let's just say it got pretty hot and heavy. When he said goodbye, my dad was standing right there watching.. so obviously nothing happened, but I could feel a mutual desire for it. I haven't asked him about it since.
Ever since the prom I've been trying to find time to be alone with him so we can talk. But he's always busy with work, etc. Last night we talked on the phone for two hours (would a guy really stay up until 3AM talking to a girl he isn't interested in?).. but there are other times he doesn't call me back. He's not a very predictable person and he's very easy-going so I don't take anything too personally.
I don't know if you have enough details about him, but is there anything you can tell from his actions or can you give me some advice on how to approach the dreaded more-than-friends talk? OR should I just go for it and kiss him to see how it goes? XD
Thank you!!
VictorM's advice:
You have to be careful when trying to measure a guy's interest in you based on grinding or sexual tension. Guys, when in the mood, can even grind with a washing machine (the rinse cycle is particularly appealing).
The 3 AM talk... well, guys could sustain that type of conversation if they like you or if they thing that's what they need to do to score. So again, be careful.
I don't advise you to go for the kiss because to guys a kiss does not always mean love, it means sex. If you want to see if there's serious interest in you from his part, you have to do it without any hint of sexual interaction.
If you offer to spend time with him, such as going to the movies, and he turns you down or is "too busy" for it, then chances are his interest isn't high.
Come on, you're 18 and I suspect he's about the same age. You really shouldn't want to be with a guy who isn't willing to go through hoops to be with you.
We went out for drinks and couldn't stop talking
Submitted on Sunday, June 08, 2008
By Lilly, 25, from Australia:
This guy asked me out a year ago but the timing wasn't right so I said no. I recently contacted him to ask if he'd like to catch up and he agreed. Just before we were about to meet up he told me that a year ago he liked me but is now seeing someone BUT would still like to 'catch up' with me. So we went out for drinks and couldn't stop talking…we had to be asked to leave as the café was closing. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when we parted. I really liked him but didn't ask to see him again as he has a gf. But the next day he sends me a txt saying it was nice to meet up with me, how my day was, etc. I said I enjoyed seeing him and to let me know when he feels like hanging out again (I assumed in a few weeks). BUT he then says we should definitely do something this coming week. What should I make of all this? Is he still interested? Should I ask him what his intentions are when I see him or just go along with it, and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
Yes. If you like him, you might as well go. Sure, he has a girlfriend, but that doesn't mean the relationship is on solid ground or that he would prefer to be with you instead. And before he does that, he wants to make sure the chemistry lasts.
You have no obligation to his girlfriend -- he does! As long as your dates are platonic, there's no harm. If it looks like it's getting more serious with you, he better resolve the situation with his girlfriend first.
At this point, I wouldn't ask about his intentions. I'd keep it strictly friendly. If there are more requests for dates, if he flirts a lot, if he tries to kiss you, then it's a different story.
This guy asked me out a year ago but the timing wasn't right so I said no. I recently contacted him to ask if he'd like to catch up and he agreed. Just before we were about to meet up he told me that a year ago he liked me but is now seeing someone BUT would still like to 'catch up' with me. So we went out for drinks and couldn't stop talking…we had to be asked to leave as the café was closing. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when we parted. I really liked him but didn't ask to see him again as he has a gf. But the next day he sends me a txt saying it was nice to meet up with me, how my day was, etc. I said I enjoyed seeing him and to let me know when he feels like hanging out again (I assumed in a few weeks). BUT he then says we should definitely do something this coming week. What should I make of all this? Is he still interested? Should I ask him what his intentions are when I see him or just go along with it, and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
Yes. If you like him, you might as well go. Sure, he has a girlfriend, but that doesn't mean the relationship is on solid ground or that he would prefer to be with you instead. And before he does that, he wants to make sure the chemistry lasts.
You have no obligation to his girlfriend -- he does! As long as your dates are platonic, there's no harm. If it looks like it's getting more serious with you, he better resolve the situation with his girlfriend first.
At this point, I wouldn't ask about his intentions. I'd keep it strictly friendly. If there are more requests for dates, if he flirts a lot, if he tries to kiss you, then it's a different story.
It seemed that he was really interested in me
Submitted on Sunday, June 08, 2008
By Mandy, 24, from NY:
A few weeks ago I went out on a date that was set up by friends. Things went really well with the guy - good conversation and good interaction. We talked/texted everyday after the date (as well as flirted) and then went out again a week later. A few days after that he stopped contacting me and I haven't heard from him for 3 days. I don't understand why the lack in communication when we had talked everyday before then and it seemed that he was really interested in me. What could have went wrong? The 2nd date went well - good conversation, felt comfortable, and we had some physical contact (hugging). What happened?
VictorM's advice:
Three days is not that long, so he might still call. But assuming he doesn't, here's what happened: he lost interest in you.
Nothing had to go "wrong". This is what dating is all about. We meet someone, we're excited, it may last one date, or two, even a few weeks and then, poof! just like that, we lose interest.
Being interested in another person is not like taking the temperature each day and seeing that it's declining. Sometimes we're not greatly enthusiastic but we give it a good shot, we are polite, we compliment and hug, and none of it means it must last a lifetime. Eventually, after a few times, we realize that seeing that person just doesn't excite us as it once did. And so we move on.
If he still hasn't called, it's time for you to move on because he has.
By Mandy, 24, from NY:
A few weeks ago I went out on a date that was set up by friends. Things went really well with the guy - good conversation and good interaction. We talked/texted everyday after the date (as well as flirted) and then went out again a week later. A few days after that he stopped contacting me and I haven't heard from him for 3 days. I don't understand why the lack in communication when we had talked everyday before then and it seemed that he was really interested in me. What could have went wrong? The 2nd date went well - good conversation, felt comfortable, and we had some physical contact (hugging). What happened?
VictorM's advice:
Three days is not that long, so he might still call. But assuming he doesn't, here's what happened: he lost interest in you.
Nothing had to go "wrong". This is what dating is all about. We meet someone, we're excited, it may last one date, or two, even a few weeks and then, poof! just like that, we lose interest.
Being interested in another person is not like taking the temperature each day and seeing that it's declining. Sometimes we're not greatly enthusiastic but we give it a good shot, we are polite, we compliment and hug, and none of it means it must last a lifetime. Eventually, after a few times, we realize that seeing that person just doesn't excite us as it once did. And so we move on.
If he still hasn't called, it's time for you to move on because he has.
He is concerned and crying all the time
Submitted on Sunday, June 08, 2008
By Sammy, 26, from INDIA:
Hi
My brother (currently pursuing his masters – on industrial training somewhere else) is in a relationship for around 3 yrs and were at total commitment stage. Initially, the girl meet my Brother at the time of Training and proposed. She later introduced him to her mother also.
I don't know how and why this happened but few months ago we (myself and Brother) visited her parents. After our leaving the place they used to pass a number of comments against my brother (and indeed family) that it got worsened. They are now in a denial stage. Girl was always with my brother and he also used to ask if she was with him through out his life. Suddenly, this girl started ignoring him and less calls/no replies/rude behavior. She also told that there is one guy who helped him in between and her parents also liked him.
When I spoke to her about this the only thing she confirmed is she doesn’t want to go further in the relationship. Now, I didn’t told this to my brother but due to her rude behavior he is concerned and crying all the time plus talking about taking wrong steps.
My family is all time concerned about him/his health and try to divert his mind or making him understand how to tackle the situation. Future of this relationship is no where now.
Could you please assist in such situations what we can do as a family member? How should he tackle this situation in a positive manner and concentrate on other things forever? Please this is urgent for us.
Thanks in advance
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you have to do is accept that it's OK for him to feel bad about this and even cry. Showing emotion and being sad for losing a lover is a healthy thing, not a bad one. It shows he's not an uncaring, indifferent person. People who loved passionately once are most likely to love passionately again. So don't worry about him. He'll be fine.
It's also plain to see that you and your family are caring and concerned, and you really want to help him, but the best way to do it is: 1) allow him to feel sad for now; and 2) STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Every time you ask him how he's feeling and bring up the issue of this girl, either directly or indirectly, you're rubbing more salt in the wound. Help him by not talking about it anymore, by taking him to cricket matches, movies, concerts, clubs (but don't push other girls his way; he'll start seeking girls when he's ready for it), etc. He will get over the girl, he just needs more time. Accept that and things will get back to normal sooner than you think.
By Sammy, 26, from INDIA:
Hi
My brother (currently pursuing his masters – on industrial training somewhere else) is in a relationship for around 3 yrs and were at total commitment stage. Initially, the girl meet my Brother at the time of Training and proposed. She later introduced him to her mother also.
I don't know how and why this happened but few months ago we (myself and Brother) visited her parents. After our leaving the place they used to pass a number of comments against my brother (and indeed family) that it got worsened. They are now in a denial stage. Girl was always with my brother and he also used to ask if she was with him through out his life. Suddenly, this girl started ignoring him and less calls/no replies/rude behavior. She also told that there is one guy who helped him in between and her parents also liked him.
When I spoke to her about this the only thing she confirmed is she doesn’t want to go further in the relationship. Now, I didn’t told this to my brother but due to her rude behavior he is concerned and crying all the time plus talking about taking wrong steps.
My family is all time concerned about him/his health and try to divert his mind or making him understand how to tackle the situation. Future of this relationship is no where now.
Could you please assist in such situations what we can do as a family member? How should he tackle this situation in a positive manner and concentrate on other things forever? Please this is urgent for us.
Thanks in advance
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you have to do is accept that it's OK for him to feel bad about this and even cry. Showing emotion and being sad for losing a lover is a healthy thing, not a bad one. It shows he's not an uncaring, indifferent person. People who loved passionately once are most likely to love passionately again. So don't worry about him. He'll be fine.
It's also plain to see that you and your family are caring and concerned, and you really want to help him, but the best way to do it is: 1) allow him to feel sad for now; and 2) STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! Every time you ask him how he's feeling and bring up the issue of this girl, either directly or indirectly, you're rubbing more salt in the wound. Help him by not talking about it anymore, by taking him to cricket matches, movies, concerts, clubs (but don't push other girls his way; he'll start seeking girls when he's ready for it), etc. He will get over the girl, he just needs more time. Accept that and things will get back to normal sooner than you think.
I am in love with one of my best friends
Submitted on Saturday, June 07, 2008
By Rachael, 24, from London:
I am in love with one of my best friends. But he has made it very clear to me that he sees us as good friends and does not want to take things further. My question is this, should I continue to be close friends with him knowing that it still hurts that he does not want me in that way or should I break off ties completely?
When a guy says this, does that mean they will never consider a relationship in the future?
VictorM's advice:
Guys, and girls, often fall for people that a few months earlier they wouldn't even give the time of day. So no, his words today do not mean he would never consider it.
But I see no point in you breaking off the friendship. If he finds a steady girlfriend, chances are that your friendship will naturally decrease as he will spend time with her and it's likely she won't like him having such a close female friend. But until that happens, enjoy his company. This way, you two stay in touch, get to know each other better and who knows, he may find love right under his nose, something that's less likely to happen if you stop spending time with each other.
By Rachael, 24, from London:
I am in love with one of my best friends. But he has made it very clear to me that he sees us as good friends and does not want to take things further. My question is this, should I continue to be close friends with him knowing that it still hurts that he does not want me in that way or should I break off ties completely?
When a guy says this, does that mean they will never consider a relationship in the future?
VictorM's advice:
Guys, and girls, often fall for people that a few months earlier they wouldn't even give the time of day. So no, his words today do not mean he would never consider it.
But I see no point in you breaking off the friendship. If he finds a steady girlfriend, chances are that your friendship will naturally decrease as he will spend time with her and it's likely she won't like him having such a close female friend. But until that happens, enjoy his company. This way, you two stay in touch, get to know each other better and who knows, he may find love right under his nose, something that's less likely to happen if you stop spending time with each other.
I wonder if I am wasting my time
Submitted on Saturday, June 07, 2008
By Kara, 41, from NC:
A friend of mine showed me your website after a discussion saying I might want to get your opinion on a question I have. I have been in a LDR for 15 months now. We see each other minimum once a month and call and chat daily (several times a day). We are in our 40's and both have children living at home(his part time mine full time)i. My question is this, I want a commitment, something that indicates we are moving to the next level in our future. We are exclusive and have been for the past 10 months. He seems to be content with the LDR, he said he will do what he has to to maintain our relationship. I would be willing to move to where he lives (and he is aware of this) but has never offered to help out in anyway either financially or suggesting that a future permanent relationship would be an option (living together - marriage). I wonder if I am wasting my time. I don't want to give an ultimatumn or come out and ask directly if he sees a future past the LDR. Am I being strung along? Am I wasting my time with someone who seems content after 15 months of remaining LDR? He says he loves me, can't picture his life without me in it, yet has never made any comments about a future with "us" in it. Your thoughts, comments, suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
I find it totally believable that he's happy with the long distance relationship and may, in fact, not have offered to help you move because he doesn't want you to move. A long distance relationship suits lots of guys, particularly in his age range and divorced. There's much freedom in that arrangement, with the occasional sex. It can be perfect! He may very well love you and want to be with you... in small, once a month, dosages.
After 15 months you really should ask him point blank about his intentions and clearly define your goals to him (if you haven't already). Sure, there's a chance he'll break it off with you, but if he does, you get an answer without more waste of your time.
By Kara, 41, from NC:
A friend of mine showed me your website after a discussion saying I might want to get your opinion on a question I have. I have been in a LDR for 15 months now. We see each other minimum once a month and call and chat daily (several times a day). We are in our 40's and both have children living at home(his part time mine full time)i. My question is this, I want a commitment, something that indicates we are moving to the next level in our future. We are exclusive and have been for the past 10 months. He seems to be content with the LDR, he said he will do what he has to to maintain our relationship. I would be willing to move to where he lives (and he is aware of this) but has never offered to help out in anyway either financially or suggesting that a future permanent relationship would be an option (living together - marriage). I wonder if I am wasting my time. I don't want to give an ultimatumn or come out and ask directly if he sees a future past the LDR. Am I being strung along? Am I wasting my time with someone who seems content after 15 months of remaining LDR? He says he loves me, can't picture his life without me in it, yet has never made any comments about a future with "us" in it. Your thoughts, comments, suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
I find it totally believable that he's happy with the long distance relationship and may, in fact, not have offered to help you move because he doesn't want you to move. A long distance relationship suits lots of guys, particularly in his age range and divorced. There's much freedom in that arrangement, with the occasional sex. It can be perfect! He may very well love you and want to be with you... in small, once a month, dosages.
After 15 months you really should ask him point blank about his intentions and clearly define your goals to him (if you haven't already). Sure, there's a chance he'll break it off with you, but if he does, you get an answer without more waste of your time.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
How I could possibly meet this guy
Submitted on Friday, June 06, 2008
By Lauren, 16, from Florida:
okay. so there is this boy in 2 of my classes that I wasn't really FRIENDS with, but we added each other's myspaces (of course). Well, I am kind of nosy, so I was looking through his myspace (and by the way, this kid is kind of nerdy and a class clown, sometimes obnoxious) when all of the sudden i found a link to his brother's myspace (they are both #1 on each other's friend's lists....so cute! <33). I'm not even exaggerating, his brother has to be THE hottest guy I have seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!
So, of course, I went to look at his myspace (and pictures, i goggled at them too.) He has this thing in his about me that describes the type of girl that he is looking for, and it describes me perfectly! And under it, it says that if anyone knows a girl like this to tell him. Well HELLO! That would be me!
I'm not trying to be conceited or anything like that, I'm just wondering how I could possibly meet this guy to see if he is really as amazing as I think he is. How could I meet him?
VictorM's advice:
Question: What's the shortest distance between two points?
Answer: Using one guy to meet another.
Arrange some reason to drop by your schoolmate's house at a time when his brother is likely to be there.
By Lauren, 16, from Florida:
okay. so there is this boy in 2 of my classes that I wasn't really FRIENDS with, but we added each other's myspaces (of course). Well, I am kind of nosy, so I was looking through his myspace (and by the way, this kid is kind of nerdy and a class clown, sometimes obnoxious) when all of the sudden i found a link to his brother's myspace (they are both #1 on each other's friend's lists....so cute! <33). I'm not even exaggerating, his brother has to be THE hottest guy I have seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!
So, of course, I went to look at his myspace (and pictures, i goggled at them too.) He has this thing in his about me that describes the type of girl that he is looking for, and it describes me perfectly! And under it, it says that if anyone knows a girl like this to tell him. Well HELLO! That would be me!
I'm not trying to be conceited or anything like that, I'm just wondering how I could possibly meet this guy to see if he is really as amazing as I think he is. How could I meet him?
VictorM's advice:
Question: What's the shortest distance between two points?
Answer: Using one guy to meet another.
Arrange some reason to drop by your schoolmate's house at a time when his brother is likely to be there.
I’m not bold enough
Submitted on Friday, June 06, 2008
By sharra, 18, from california:
I like him-he's my friend. We're both really intelligent and talk everyday about philosophy, religion, personal struggles, and funny things. We laugh a lot, too. We’ve had an extensive conversation about how we want to be good friends with someone before dating them and then analyzed every couple in our school and what they did wrong!
We don't spend time together outside of school because we have different groups of friends. He's also not really a "dater". He's private, pretty quiet and shy with girls. Some nights we stay up texting till 2am. I started crushing on him this spring, but stayed cool because I didn't want to freak him out. I don’t know if he ever found out but it was a little suspicious because he pulled back for about a week and then things between us went back to normal. At one time, I did think he liked me as more than a friend, so I flirted with him. Sometimes he responded and other times it was nothing!
Last week, I heard that people were asking him things like "What's going on with you two? Do you like her? She's crushing on you." I think he got scared off because he stopped texting me.
I don't think I can talk to him about it because it would make things really awkward. Besides, I’m not bold enough. Is there anything I can do to restore our friendship or have we just run our course? I would consider him one of my best guy friends…we talked about almost everything (but our feelings!).
I think he likes me as a friend ONLY and enjoys talking to me. I also think he doesn't want attention brought to "us" because there's not really anything there. Any thoughts or advice? Thank you!!!
VictorM's advice:
Given the circumstances, I'd say just keep talking to him as you always have. Even if he's pulling away because of rumors, he'll eventually want to come back and want your company.
Flirt whenever you feel like it and stop worrying about losing his friendship. Here's why: if the feelings are only one way (from you to him), you are way better off losing his friendship because your friendship will be doomed anyway the moment he finds a girlfriend. But if he knows by your flirting that you'd want more than friendship that might play a role when he's ready for a girlfriend. He might realize he wants you.
The worst thing you can do is modify your behavior for fear you might lose him. He's been your best friend because he likes who you are. Don't change a thing. External forces might impact his reactions now, but he likes you as you are and that's what matters.
By sharra, 18, from california:
I like him-he's my friend. We're both really intelligent and talk everyday about philosophy, religion, personal struggles, and funny things. We laugh a lot, too. We’ve had an extensive conversation about how we want to be good friends with someone before dating them and then analyzed every couple in our school and what they did wrong!
We don't spend time together outside of school because we have different groups of friends. He's also not really a "dater". He's private, pretty quiet and shy with girls. Some nights we stay up texting till 2am. I started crushing on him this spring, but stayed cool because I didn't want to freak him out. I don’t know if he ever found out but it was a little suspicious because he pulled back for about a week and then things between us went back to normal. At one time, I did think he liked me as more than a friend, so I flirted with him. Sometimes he responded and other times it was nothing!
Last week, I heard that people were asking him things like "What's going on with you two? Do you like her? She's crushing on you." I think he got scared off because he stopped texting me.
I don't think I can talk to him about it because it would make things really awkward. Besides, I’m not bold enough. Is there anything I can do to restore our friendship or have we just run our course? I would consider him one of my best guy friends…we talked about almost everything (but our feelings!).
I think he likes me as a friend ONLY and enjoys talking to me. I also think he doesn't want attention brought to "us" because there's not really anything there. Any thoughts or advice? Thank you!!!
VictorM's advice:
Given the circumstances, I'd say just keep talking to him as you always have. Even if he's pulling away because of rumors, he'll eventually want to come back and want your company.
Flirt whenever you feel like it and stop worrying about losing his friendship. Here's why: if the feelings are only one way (from you to him), you are way better off losing his friendship because your friendship will be doomed anyway the moment he finds a girlfriend. But if he knows by your flirting that you'd want more than friendship that might play a role when he's ready for a girlfriend. He might realize he wants you.
The worst thing you can do is modify your behavior for fear you might lose him. He's been your best friend because he likes who you are. Don't change a thing. External forces might impact his reactions now, but he likes you as you are and that's what matters.
Destroy our love
Submitted on Thursday, June 05, 2008
By dina, 25, from egypt:
He just wants to break up and destroy our love. What can I do to get him back?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want to destroy it -- it's already destroyed. He's just trying to find love.
I don't know if you can get him back, but the sooner you let him go, the sooner you can find love instead of holding on to a mirage.
By dina, 25, from egypt:
He just wants to break up and destroy our love. What can I do to get him back?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want to destroy it -- it's already destroyed. He's just trying to find love.
I don't know if you can get him back, but the sooner you let him go, the sooner you can find love instead of holding on to a mirage.
He will not get married till we resolve issues
Submitted on Thursday, June 05, 2008
By Beatrice, 28, from Glendale:
I have been in this relashionship for 5 years on and off we have a child together. He says that he will not get married till we resolve issues, meaning we both have dated other people during the off periods. I have been very honest with him and still he does not belive me and I got over him going out with another girl and I want to move on. So anywho we are trying for the child sake but just the other day he told me that he does not want to stay in this relashionship forever and that he is tired. Yet this morning he tried to sleep with me??? I dont get it.
VictorM's advice:
Can you possibly be 28 years old and still not realize that a guy wanting to sleep with you could have NOTHING AT ALL to do with him wanting to be with you?
Anyway, your child does not need two parents who don't get along. He could have a loving mother and a loving father without all of you living under the same roof.
Stop pressuring this guy and just make sure you get child support. Then go out and try to find your happiness with someone who wants to be with you, not someone that is being forced into it.
By Beatrice, 28, from Glendale:
I have been in this relashionship for 5 years on and off we have a child together. He says that he will not get married till we resolve issues, meaning we both have dated other people during the off periods. I have been very honest with him and still he does not belive me and I got over him going out with another girl and I want to move on. So anywho we are trying for the child sake but just the other day he told me that he does not want to stay in this relashionship forever and that he is tired. Yet this morning he tried to sleep with me??? I dont get it.
VictorM's advice:
Can you possibly be 28 years old and still not realize that a guy wanting to sleep with you could have NOTHING AT ALL to do with him wanting to be with you?
Anyway, your child does not need two parents who don't get along. He could have a loving mother and a loving father without all of you living under the same roof.
Stop pressuring this guy and just make sure you get child support. Then go out and try to find your happiness with someone who wants to be with you, not someone that is being forced into it.
Tied for first
Submitted on Thursday, June 05, 2008
By Dez, 25, from Ca:
My boyfriend told I'm tied for first as being the prettiest girlfriend he's had. I feel that this means that I'm not otherwise he would have just said that I am. He reverted and said that I am the prettiest but I don't believe him now. What should I believe?
VictorM's advice:
OK, from your submission we know one fact: your boyfriend isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
But come on! Who gives a crap about ranking in a pretty scale?! So what if you're not the prettiest girl he's ever dated? Being pretty is not enough to sustain a relationship. And expecting to be any guy's prettiest girlfriend is bullshit.
You are the prettiest girl he's in love with right now, and if that's not enough for you than your boyfriend is a genius compared to you.
By Dez, 25, from Ca:
My boyfriend told I'm tied for first as being the prettiest girlfriend he's had. I feel that this means that I'm not otherwise he would have just said that I am. He reverted and said that I am the prettiest but I don't believe him now. What should I believe?
VictorM's advice:
OK, from your submission we know one fact: your boyfriend isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
But come on! Who gives a crap about ranking in a pretty scale?! So what if you're not the prettiest girl he's ever dated? Being pretty is not enough to sustain a relationship. And expecting to be any guy's prettiest girlfriend is bullshit.
You are the prettiest girl he's in love with right now, and if that's not enough for you than your boyfriend is a genius compared to you.
Why won't he call me?
Submitted on Thursday, June 05, 2008
By Missing him, 46, from louisiana:
Victor,
So, me and this guy have been talking for almost a year, been seeing each other and having sex for 3 months. The problem is really weird. The mother of his 2 children is living with him. They have been split for 12 years, she has had children with several other men (which she always leaves her children with other families to raise) At this time, She is pregnant with twins and does not know for sure who the father is. She has no where to go. My boyfriend works in the oilfield and is gone most of the time. But, when he is home, they are in the same house living together. They also have their 16 year old son living there. My boyfriend basically raised his 2 children he had with her because she left them. She is saying that she is babysitting their son, but it is an excuse to stay there. Anyway, my boyfriend wants her out, but can't get her to move. It is starting to cause me and him problems because when he is home, we have no privacy. Well, I blew up this past sunday about all this. I told him that this was dysfunctional and that it is a "Jerry Springer" episode. He felt bad and hurt because I know he really loves me very much. He went back on the oil rig and called me on Monday, which I was stupid and went on rage again. He said he had to go, and I said "well, go!" and hung up on him. He has not called me since. I cannot call him because they cannot have incoming calls on these rigs. I am friends with this woman, I really kind of like her. But, I think that this is an intrusion on our relationship. (we can't even have sex in his house because she is ALWAYS there!)Anyway, why won't he call me? What do you think is going on here? I really miss him and I know he is missing me right now. Our relationship is an intense one. We do love each other. But, I am thinking that he will stop seeing me because of the all trouble this is causing him and it is easier just to not deal with it. help!!
VictorM's advice:
Why is he not calling? Excuse me! The man is in a bind, unable to resolve this situation, and rather than having an ally in you, he has another source of stress. Why should he call for? To get more grief?
Look, when faced with a problem, if you can't offer a solution, talking about it just makes you a complainer. If you're not going to be a partner with him to solve this problem, what does he need you for?
He's not your enemy. He may need help solving this situation -- you must admit, it's not an easy one -- but letting your anger take over makes you a not so good partner.
By Missing him, 46, from louisiana:
Victor,
So, me and this guy have been talking for almost a year, been seeing each other and having sex for 3 months. The problem is really weird. The mother of his 2 children is living with him. They have been split for 12 years, she has had children with several other men (which she always leaves her children with other families to raise) At this time, She is pregnant with twins and does not know for sure who the father is. She has no where to go. My boyfriend works in the oilfield and is gone most of the time. But, when he is home, they are in the same house living together. They also have their 16 year old son living there. My boyfriend basically raised his 2 children he had with her because she left them. She is saying that she is babysitting their son, but it is an excuse to stay there. Anyway, my boyfriend wants her out, but can't get her to move. It is starting to cause me and him problems because when he is home, we have no privacy. Well, I blew up this past sunday about all this. I told him that this was dysfunctional and that it is a "Jerry Springer" episode. He felt bad and hurt because I know he really loves me very much. He went back on the oil rig and called me on Monday, which I was stupid and went on rage again. He said he had to go, and I said "well, go!" and hung up on him. He has not called me since. I cannot call him because they cannot have incoming calls on these rigs. I am friends with this woman, I really kind of like her. But, I think that this is an intrusion on our relationship. (we can't even have sex in his house because she is ALWAYS there!)Anyway, why won't he call me? What do you think is going on here? I really miss him and I know he is missing me right now. Our relationship is an intense one. We do love each other. But, I am thinking that he will stop seeing me because of the all trouble this is causing him and it is easier just to not deal with it. help!!
VictorM's advice:
Why is he not calling? Excuse me! The man is in a bind, unable to resolve this situation, and rather than having an ally in you, he has another source of stress. Why should he call for? To get more grief?
Look, when faced with a problem, if you can't offer a solution, talking about it just makes you a complainer. If you're not going to be a partner with him to solve this problem, what does he need you for?
He's not your enemy. He may need help solving this situation -- you must admit, it's not an easy one -- but letting your anger take over makes you a not so good partner.
Coming clean to him
Submitted on Thursday, June 05, 2008
By Hannah, 21, from Johannesburg:
Hi Victor,
I would like some advice about a past relationship. I had my first proper boyfriend this year, and we broke up about three months ago. What I wanted to ask is this: He was also my first sexual partner (he had had a few before), and I never really experienced much pleasure with him, but felt a great deal of pressure to because he said none of his other girlfriends (some of whom were also virgins) had had a problem with climaxing or anything. Eventually I just let him believe that I was orgasming when I wasn't (not even close) because I started to feel like something was wrong with me for not feeling those things, and I didn't want to disappoint him.
I feel really guilty for not being honest with him, but now I also feel quite angry with him for making me doubt myself when I know that a lot of women struggle to climax, and that sometimes, for some women, it takes months, even years to experience it. What I wanted to ask you (sorry, here comes the actual question, finally :) is that I have been considering coming clean to him, so that he maybe won't be so arrogant about his own abilities, and maybe won't make another girl feel the way I did, which is to question whether there's something wrong with me that I wasn't able to climax in the short amount of time we were actually together (which was less than 3 months). Do you think this is something I should do, or do you think it might just come across just as being spiteful or malicious? I know it will hurt him, but part of me feels that he ought to know. Any help? Please?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, what a terrific question!
Before I answer your question I just to reemphasize your point about different women orgasming at different times and also by different stimuli. Some girls don't orgasm with penetration. Some can't do it unless they're relaxed. Some just need a lot more time than others. There's also a good chance that some of the previous girls faked it, just like you did.
I'm very happy to see that you didn't let this ignorant jerk impact your self-worth. Kudos to you for that.
Now, as to your question... forget about what venting will do for him or for any future girl he deals with, for after all, you're not responsible for any of them. The question is, what will it do for you? If you'll feel better by letting him have it, have a go at him and do it. If you're doing it just for revenge and to make him feel bad -- and I gather that's not the reason -- then I would say don't do it. But I think there's great value to you get it out of your chest and let him know you have not been defeated by his ignorance.
If you do talk to him about it, I'd love to hear how it went. Please come back and let us know.
By Hannah, 21, from Johannesburg:
Hi Victor,
I would like some advice about a past relationship. I had my first proper boyfriend this year, and we broke up about three months ago. What I wanted to ask is this: He was also my first sexual partner (he had had a few before), and I never really experienced much pleasure with him, but felt a great deal of pressure to because he said none of his other girlfriends (some of whom were also virgins) had had a problem with climaxing or anything. Eventually I just let him believe that I was orgasming when I wasn't (not even close) because I started to feel like something was wrong with me for not feeling those things, and I didn't want to disappoint him.
I feel really guilty for not being honest with him, but now I also feel quite angry with him for making me doubt myself when I know that a lot of women struggle to climax, and that sometimes, for some women, it takes months, even years to experience it. What I wanted to ask you (sorry, here comes the actual question, finally :) is that I have been considering coming clean to him, so that he maybe won't be so arrogant about his own abilities, and maybe won't make another girl feel the way I did, which is to question whether there's something wrong with me that I wasn't able to climax in the short amount of time we were actually together (which was less than 3 months). Do you think this is something I should do, or do you think it might just come across just as being spiteful or malicious? I know it will hurt him, but part of me feels that he ought to know. Any help? Please?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, what a terrific question!
Before I answer your question I just to reemphasize your point about different women orgasming at different times and also by different stimuli. Some girls don't orgasm with penetration. Some can't do it unless they're relaxed. Some just need a lot more time than others. There's also a good chance that some of the previous girls faked it, just like you did.
I'm very happy to see that you didn't let this ignorant jerk impact your self-worth. Kudos to you for that.
Now, as to your question... forget about what venting will do for him or for any future girl he deals with, for after all, you're not responsible for any of them. The question is, what will it do for you? If you'll feel better by letting him have it, have a go at him and do it. If you're doing it just for revenge and to make him feel bad -- and I gather that's not the reason -- then I would say don't do it. But I think there's great value to you get it out of your chest and let him know you have not been defeated by his ignorance.
If you do talk to him about it, I'd love to hear how it went. Please come back and let us know.
He's killing me inside
Submitted on Wednesday, June 04, 2008
By Bokie, 18, from Canada:
Well me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 2yrs. He doesn't have a job, or his drivers, not worries about money, and plays video games all the time! but you would think that a man that is 18 would be a man and have all of that. Why not, why is he so lazy??Also you would think that he would know by now how to treat a girl.. well that's a joke..he totally does the oppoisite and is always putting me down and being a jerk... why? why doesn't he notice he's killing me inside?? What to i do?? i need help been doing this for far too long!!
VictorM's advice:
I checked with the male factory and they told me they once in a while they put out seriously flawed males just to give girls the opportunity to test their own ability to test their mate selection mechanisms. Obviously, if you can't walk away from such a jerk, yours is failing you. Time to get it checked and fixed or you'll be a very unhappy woman.
By Bokie, 18, from Canada:
Well me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 2yrs. He doesn't have a job, or his drivers, not worries about money, and plays video games all the time! but you would think that a man that is 18 would be a man and have all of that. Why not, why is he so lazy??Also you would think that he would know by now how to treat a girl.. well that's a joke..he totally does the oppoisite and is always putting me down and being a jerk... why? why doesn't he notice he's killing me inside?? What to i do?? i need help been doing this for far too long!!
VictorM's advice:
I checked with the male factory and they told me they once in a while they put out seriously flawed males just to give girls the opportunity to test their own ability to test their mate selection mechanisms. Obviously, if you can't walk away from such a jerk, yours is failing you. Time to get it checked and fixed or you'll be a very unhappy woman.
Whenever he comes near me I freak out
Submitted on Wednesday, June 04, 2008
By Larissa, 14, from harlem ny:
I really like this guy but im scared to talk to him in person. I text and IM him. Whenever he comes near me i freak out lol. he stares at me sometimes in math and my friends said he did in lunch. One of my friends asked him if he liked me and he said i don't know. Is that a bad thing? HELP ME ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY I RELALY WANT TO KNOW IF HE LIKES ME. What can I do? lol. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
You text and IM each other and he stares at you? Yeah, he likes you. But that doesn't mean you're the only girl he likes.
What are you going to do if you know for sure he likes you? Are you willing to say "Hi" to the guy or even just smile at him? Because if you're not, what's the point of knowing?
Take a small step, Larissa, and smile at the boy.
By Larissa, 14, from harlem ny:
I really like this guy but im scared to talk to him in person. I text and IM him. Whenever he comes near me i freak out lol. he stares at me sometimes in math and my friends said he did in lunch. One of my friends asked him if he liked me and he said i don't know. Is that a bad thing? HELP ME ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY I RELALY WANT TO KNOW IF HE LIKES ME. What can I do? lol. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
You text and IM each other and he stares at you? Yeah, he likes you. But that doesn't mean you're the only girl he likes.
What are you going to do if you know for sure he likes you? Are you willing to say "Hi" to the guy or even just smile at him? Because if you're not, what's the point of knowing?
Take a small step, Larissa, and smile at the boy.
I want to talk to him about it all while we are sober
Submitted on Wednesday, June 04, 2008
By Anna, 33, from Toronto:
It has been over 2 years since my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We have had brief contact every few months since. He has dated at least 3 girls since but is currently single. Last year we slept together but since then have just casually gone out for dinner and never discussed it. The last time we went out we drank too much and ended up flirting & kissing again. He came back to my house but said we shouldn't sleep together, which I think was right. We had a talk about what we were doing and he said he is still incredibly attracted to me on a number of levels. Although he doesn't think we should go back, I said I didn't think so either but now I'm confused because I have feelings for him still & he does too. I want to talk to him about it all while we are sober. How long should I wait until I contact him to talk about it? It's been 5 days and it's just playing on my mind & I'm getting restless! Anna.
VictorM's advice:
It doesn't matter how long you wait; no length of time is going to change the ultimate result: he's not interested in getting back with you!
The world is full of women that any guy, at any time, would love to flirt with, kiss, have dinners with, etc. but that doesn't mean we'd want to be steady with them. You're a fun companion for short spurs. Period.
By Anna, 33, from Toronto:
It has been over 2 years since my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We have had brief contact every few months since. He has dated at least 3 girls since but is currently single. Last year we slept together but since then have just casually gone out for dinner and never discussed it. The last time we went out we drank too much and ended up flirting & kissing again. He came back to my house but said we shouldn't sleep together, which I think was right. We had a talk about what we were doing and he said he is still incredibly attracted to me on a number of levels. Although he doesn't think we should go back, I said I didn't think so either but now I'm confused because I have feelings for him still & he does too. I want to talk to him about it all while we are sober. How long should I wait until I contact him to talk about it? It's been 5 days and it's just playing on my mind & I'm getting restless! Anna.
VictorM's advice:
It doesn't matter how long you wait; no length of time is going to change the ultimate result: he's not interested in getting back with you!
The world is full of women that any guy, at any time, would love to flirt with, kiss, have dinners with, etc. but that doesn't mean we'd want to be steady with them. You're a fun companion for short spurs. Period.
He can wait for me and have someone on the side
Submitted on Tuesday, June 03, 2008
By rachael, 13, from my house:
I like this guy named anthony! i've been talkin to him on the phone! i've never seen him before! i really like him, but when i talk about going over there all he wants to talk about is having sex! will he get mad at me if i tell him to wait for me? i want to tell him that he can wait for me and have someone on the side. will that work? will he get mad?
VictorM's advice:
The very first thing you have to learn is that it's OK for a boy to get mad at you. As long as what you're doing is something you believe in, if he gets mad that's his problem. In this case, this boy is totally wrong for you. Forget about him having someone on the side; you shouldn't even be dealing with him.
By rachael, 13, from my house:
I like this guy named anthony! i've been talkin to him on the phone! i've never seen him before! i really like him, but when i talk about going over there all he wants to talk about is having sex! will he get mad at me if i tell him to wait for me? i want to tell him that he can wait for me and have someone on the side. will that work? will he get mad?
VictorM's advice:
The very first thing you have to learn is that it's OK for a boy to get mad at you. As long as what you're doing is something you believe in, if he gets mad that's his problem. In this case, this boy is totally wrong for you. Forget about him having someone on the side; you shouldn't even be dealing with him.
He calls me beautiful
Submitted on Tuesday, June 03, 2008
By Shyanna, 15, from ohio:
My boyfriend tells me he loves me everyday and it's more than once a day, he calls me beautiful and never calls me hot or sexy, but yet he sometimes has the tendency to flirt with other girls but won't date them and he wants me to give up all my guy friends.
What should I do? And what does this mean?
(plus we have been together for 6 months)
VictorM's advice:
The flirting with other girls and wanting you to stay away from your guy friends mean that your boyfriend is a very insecure boy. His behavior is not at all uncommon for boys his age, but it's never too early for you to be a girl who acts out of confidence and stops giving in to insecure twerps. You have guy friends. If he can't deal with that, that's his problem.
As I say often, fear of losing a boyfriend is the surest way to either lose him or lose yourself. It's OK to understand his insecurities and help him deal with those, but that should never come at the cost of giving into his insecurities and becoming a prisoner to his unfair requests.
By Shyanna, 15, from ohio:
My boyfriend tells me he loves me everyday and it's more than once a day, he calls me beautiful and never calls me hot or sexy, but yet he sometimes has the tendency to flirt with other girls but won't date them and he wants me to give up all my guy friends.
What should I do? And what does this mean?
(plus we have been together for 6 months)
VictorM's advice:
The flirting with other girls and wanting you to stay away from your guy friends mean that your boyfriend is a very insecure boy. His behavior is not at all uncommon for boys his age, but it's never too early for you to be a girl who acts out of confidence and stops giving in to insecure twerps. You have guy friends. If he can't deal with that, that's his problem.
As I say often, fear of losing a boyfriend is the surest way to either lose him or lose yourself. It's OK to understand his insecurities and help him deal with those, but that should never come at the cost of giving into his insecurities and becoming a prisoner to his unfair requests.
I was so depressed I lost 11 pounds
Submitted on Tuesday, June 03, 2008
By Danielle, 16, from North Carolina:
I'm 16 and me and my bf (17 yrs.) only went out for five months. But they were the best 5 months of my life. He admitted to me that he was in love with me, and by the way he acted i fully believed him, yet i loved him, i wasn't IN love with him yet. He wants to join marines, and deep down i am in love with him, but at the time wouldn't admit it to myself so i told him that if he went, i wouldn't wait for him. i told told him that, hoping he'd change his mind, which he promised he would but i know it was something he really wanted to do so he changed it back. Deep down, knowing that i would wait for him, i just didn't want him to kno at the time.
We also have differences in religion and stuff, and i know that gets to him because my views are stronger than his and one night i put my foot down and wouldn't compromise. He said it was okay, and that he was still in love with me. He was actually afraid that i would break up with him over it.
A few weeks later he told me that he still really loves me but thinks that we should go on a break. So i figure okay. But we still did things together like walk to class, and he would still even kiss me, and come over after school and stuff. It was like nothing had changed. So i finally admitted that i was in love with him. and that i would compromise, because when you love someone you're willing to do anything to be with them.
Then he still said he was confused, so we decided not to talk for a whole week. Which during that week, he would still randomly call just to say hi, and little things like that. And i can tell that by the way he looks at me there is something there. Needless to say, we broke up on mother's day. He said he didn't want to try to work through differences and stuff, which broke my heart becasue this boy is my first love. and i STILL love him. and i know im young for this. But he still says hi to me at school and stuff, and even asks to go to the pool and little stuff every once and a while, and calls me pretty much every night. While some nights, he tells me im special, and others he seems bothered by something and just gets off the phone.
Then about a week ago, his best friend contacted me on myspace and started talking to me as a FRIEND. i admit he was flirty, and i was flirty back, only because i had noticed that my ex was flirting with a new girl and i felt that he had forgotten about me, so i basically talked to whoever i wanted to, trying my best to move on. He found out i was talking to his friend and i told i was sorry, i didnt know it would bother him (before he told me him and his bff would switch off girls in his past) but i told him i'd stop talking to him if he wanted me to. which i pretty much did.
Then yesterday, he started calling me again, after he acts really weird toward me, like all he'll do is give a hand shake and keep going, but yesterday he calls me and tells me something is bothering him and doesn't know what it is and that he keeps feeling depressed. and i told him that i was here if he needed to talk.
That night, he readded me on myspace and he saw the comments his friend left like a week ago, and insists that he asked if i talked to him on the phone, which he DID NOT ask, and saw how flirty he was and totally flipped out. he flipped out on me and his friend. and the next day at school, he was planning on really hurting tha dude. but his best friend told him that it wasn't like that, which it wasn't, and even sent him a convo we had.
My ex called and apologized then (once again deleted me from his myspace) sent me a message saying that he would hate it to see me with any other guy and that he still loves me like crazy and stuff like that...and i told him that for tha past month, every day i think about him. i was soo depressed i lost 11lbs. worrying over him. i couldn't eat, and when i did i would throw up. my doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication. and i even went to see a counselor.
After all this, im still confused because he says he wants to be with me, but there are little things that bother him (i guess meaning the ones that i said i would compromise) but i wonder, if he really did love me like he says he does, he'd want to work through it. and he wouldn't be talking to another girl. but he gets mad at me for talking to ANY guy, not just his friend? im really confused.
yesterday he called and asked if i wanted to hang out today for the first time in like a month, and i said yes. but now, he never called me back and we didnt hang out. and after last night after him saying i still love you and stuff, and after i said it back, when i saw him today, all he did was shake my hand and give me a slap on the shoulder. so now, im like okay...wtf does this mean???
I love this boy to death, and i dont want to lose him. i dont know what to do. i dont know what he's thinking. he said he still has feelings for me and that he hasn't gotten over it...but im still confused. if you love someone you want to be with them right? PLEASE! help. im not sure what to do. should i give up? or should i wait? This past month has been miserable for me. i dont do the things i used to do. i've been so depressed. i kno for a fact that i love this boy more than anyone in this world, but it sort of feels like he's playing a game.
so what should i do?
wait or give up?
VictorM's advice:
You are wrong about if you love someone you'd want to be with them. Some people recognize that the person they feel attracted to is the wrong person for them. So they try to get away. Because of the attraction they feel, they have moments of weakness, moments when they call, want to see that person, feel jealousy, etc. but these are only moments of weakness. Those moments don't mean that the person wants to get back together, just means they are having a hard time staying away.
Your biggest problem is that you don't want to lose him and so who've been acting like a girl that is losing his respect. Take for instance him getting upset about you talking to your friend and you explaining and justifying what the conversations were and that you wouldn't talk to the boy. Excuse me?? This guy broke up with you. You should have told him to go to hell and if he wants to have a say in your life he better stop acting like an idiot. But no, you are so afraid to lose that you become a puppet. And, oddly enough, that is probably the surest way to lose him.
Stand firm like you did on the religious issue. Be a girl with a strong character and show it. That is the girl he loves. The one who is wishy-washy is easier to walk away from. You may not ever get him back but you'll lose him for sure if you don't stand your ground. Worst of all, you'll lose yourself.
I'm 16 and me and my bf (17 yrs.) only went out for five months. But they were the best 5 months of my life. He admitted to me that he was in love with me, and by the way he acted i fully believed him, yet i loved him, i wasn't IN love with him yet. He wants to join marines, and deep down i am in love with him, but at the time wouldn't admit it to myself so i told him that if he went, i wouldn't wait for him. i told told him that, hoping he'd change his mind, which he promised he would but i know it was something he really wanted to do so he changed it back. Deep down, knowing that i would wait for him, i just didn't want him to kno at the time.
We also have differences in religion and stuff, and i know that gets to him because my views are stronger than his and one night i put my foot down and wouldn't compromise. He said it was okay, and that he was still in love with me. He was actually afraid that i would break up with him over it.
A few weeks later he told me that he still really loves me but thinks that we should go on a break. So i figure okay. But we still did things together like walk to class, and he would still even kiss me, and come over after school and stuff. It was like nothing had changed. So i finally admitted that i was in love with him. and that i would compromise, because when you love someone you're willing to do anything to be with them.
Then he still said he was confused, so we decided not to talk for a whole week. Which during that week, he would still randomly call just to say hi, and little things like that. And i can tell that by the way he looks at me there is something there. Needless to say, we broke up on mother's day. He said he didn't want to try to work through differences and stuff, which broke my heart becasue this boy is my first love. and i STILL love him. and i know im young for this. But he still says hi to me at school and stuff, and even asks to go to the pool and little stuff every once and a while, and calls me pretty much every night. While some nights, he tells me im special, and others he seems bothered by something and just gets off the phone.
Then about a week ago, his best friend contacted me on myspace and started talking to me as a FRIEND. i admit he was flirty, and i was flirty back, only because i had noticed that my ex was flirting with a new girl and i felt that he had forgotten about me, so i basically talked to whoever i wanted to, trying my best to move on. He found out i was talking to his friend and i told i was sorry, i didnt know it would bother him (before he told me him and his bff would switch off girls in his past) but i told him i'd stop talking to him if he wanted me to. which i pretty much did.
Then yesterday, he started calling me again, after he acts really weird toward me, like all he'll do is give a hand shake and keep going, but yesterday he calls me and tells me something is bothering him and doesn't know what it is and that he keeps feeling depressed. and i told him that i was here if he needed to talk.
That night, he readded me on myspace and he saw the comments his friend left like a week ago, and insists that he asked if i talked to him on the phone, which he DID NOT ask, and saw how flirty he was and totally flipped out. he flipped out on me and his friend. and the next day at school, he was planning on really hurting tha dude. but his best friend told him that it wasn't like that, which it wasn't, and even sent him a convo we had.
My ex called and apologized then (once again deleted me from his myspace) sent me a message saying that he would hate it to see me with any other guy and that he still loves me like crazy and stuff like that...and i told him that for tha past month, every day i think about him. i was soo depressed i lost 11lbs. worrying over him. i couldn't eat, and when i did i would throw up. my doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication. and i even went to see a counselor.
After all this, im still confused because he says he wants to be with me, but there are little things that bother him (i guess meaning the ones that i said i would compromise) but i wonder, if he really did love me like he says he does, he'd want to work through it. and he wouldn't be talking to another girl. but he gets mad at me for talking to ANY guy, not just his friend? im really confused.
yesterday he called and asked if i wanted to hang out today for the first time in like a month, and i said yes. but now, he never called me back and we didnt hang out. and after last night after him saying i still love you and stuff, and after i said it back, when i saw him today, all he did was shake my hand and give me a slap on the shoulder. so now, im like okay...wtf does this mean???
I love this boy to death, and i dont want to lose him. i dont know what to do. i dont know what he's thinking. he said he still has feelings for me and that he hasn't gotten over it...but im still confused. if you love someone you want to be with them right? PLEASE! help. im not sure what to do. should i give up? or should i wait? This past month has been miserable for me. i dont do the things i used to do. i've been so depressed. i kno for a fact that i love this boy more than anyone in this world, but it sort of feels like he's playing a game.
so what should i do?
wait or give up?
VictorM's advice:
You are wrong about if you love someone you'd want to be with them. Some people recognize that the person they feel attracted to is the wrong person for them. So they try to get away. Because of the attraction they feel, they have moments of weakness, moments when they call, want to see that person, feel jealousy, etc. but these are only moments of weakness. Those moments don't mean that the person wants to get back together, just means they are having a hard time staying away.
Your biggest problem is that you don't want to lose him and so who've been acting like a girl that is losing his respect. Take for instance him getting upset about you talking to your friend and you explaining and justifying what the conversations were and that you wouldn't talk to the boy. Excuse me?? This guy broke up with you. You should have told him to go to hell and if he wants to have a say in your life he better stop acting like an idiot. But no, you are so afraid to lose that you become a puppet. And, oddly enough, that is probably the surest way to lose him.
Stand firm like you did on the religious issue. Be a girl with a strong character and show it. That is the girl he loves. The one who is wishy-washy is easier to walk away from. You may not ever get him back but you'll lose him for sure if you don't stand your ground. Worst of all, you'll lose yourself.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Traveling
Hi all,
I have many questions on file and will get to them as soon as I can, but I was traveling last week and will be flying New York to Portugal today so I may not get to your questions for another day or so. By the end of the week I should be back on track.
I have many questions on file and will get to them as soon as I can, but I was traveling last week and will be flying New York to Portugal today so I may not get to your questions for another day or so. By the end of the week I should be back on track.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Should you consider that you're broken up?
Submitted on Tuesday, June 03, 2008
By saybel, 22, from fl:
If you and your boyfriend had a misunderstanding and kinda got a little hurt (everything got clarified later) then haven't talked at all for 2 weeks...should you consider that you're broken up? I dunno what I should do...should I sent a msg asking if we're over or ...I dunno...we also live in different cities so would be rare to bump into each other... Victor please Id like to hear your opinion...
VictorM's advice:
Contact him and treat him as if nothing happened.
I'm guessing he's been sulking like a little boy, which is what guys often do, until an adult comes along and slaps some sense into them and let's them know the world is a safe place again. Be the adult this time.
By saybel, 22, from fl:
If you and your boyfriend had a misunderstanding and kinda got a little hurt (everything got clarified later) then haven't talked at all for 2 weeks...should you consider that you're broken up? I dunno what I should do...should I sent a msg asking if we're over or ...I dunno...we also live in different cities so would be rare to bump into each other... Victor please Id like to hear your opinion...
VictorM's advice:
Contact him and treat him as if nothing happened.
I'm guessing he's been sulking like a little boy, which is what guys often do, until an adult comes along and slaps some sense into them and let's them know the world is a safe place again. Be the adult this time.
Where do I stand with this guy?
Submitted on Tuesday, June 03, 2008
By Danika, 21:
My question is: Where do I stand with this guy?
1) He was upset because I didn't stay with him one night after we played pool with our friends, he then told me that "any girl of his would have come with him. i must not like him".
2) He called the next day and asked howcome I didn't hang with him. I said I'd make it up, but never specified a day. He got upset with that as well and somehow said that I TOLD HIM that I'd make it up to him THAT DAY. (WHaaattt??)
3) I wore a top that shows off my shoulders and my neck. He put the sleeves back up nicely, and said, "don't do that...you look like a slut." << again, in a NICE/CALM WAY he said that.
4) He was upset that a couple of guys were just TALKING to me...
5) He called me "babe" once.
6) We've known eachother since last year. We talk about personal things, food, cars, the works.
7) We joke around, we play around, make fun of eachother, call eachother weird names.
8) We hold/hug/lay/kiss on eachother when we watch t.v., go out with our friends, or just kick back and talk or listen to his ipod. (even if it's after sex, we just talk/cuddle or kick back)
His best friend says, "You are seeing him. He is seeing you."
Am I his girlfriend or something? I have other guys who like me and want to date me, and will not take NO for an answer. I don't know whether I should tell these guys I'm WITH someone at the moment or not.
I WOULD like to be his girlfriend though... but he hasn't ASKED me to be his girl. This is why I'm confused. I just want to be 100% sure that we are together or not. That way, I'll know if it's smart to allow myself to completely open up emotionally, instead of 90%.
VictorM's advice:
You'd like to be his girlfriend? What the hell is wrong with you? I guess you have no desire to be in happy relationship with someone who respects you.
I don't really know what to tell about where you stand with him because I try to represent the views of real guys, not real jerks.
By Danika, 21:
My question is: Where do I stand with this guy?
1) He was upset because I didn't stay with him one night after we played pool with our friends, he then told me that "any girl of his would have come with him. i must not like him".
2) He called the next day and asked howcome I didn't hang with him. I said I'd make it up, but never specified a day. He got upset with that as well and somehow said that I TOLD HIM that I'd make it up to him THAT DAY. (WHaaattt??)
3) I wore a top that shows off my shoulders and my neck. He put the sleeves back up nicely, and said, "don't do that...you look like a slut." << again, in a NICE/CALM WAY he said that.
4) He was upset that a couple of guys were just TALKING to me...
5) He called me "babe" once.
6) We've known eachother since last year. We talk about personal things, food, cars, the works.
7) We joke around, we play around, make fun of eachother, call eachother weird names.
8) We hold/hug/lay/kiss on eachother when we watch t.v., go out with our friends, or just kick back and talk or listen to his ipod. (even if it's after sex, we just talk/cuddle or kick back)
His best friend says, "You are seeing him. He is seeing you."
Am I his girlfriend or something? I have other guys who like me and want to date me, and will not take NO for an answer. I don't know whether I should tell these guys I'm WITH someone at the moment or not.
I WOULD like to be his girlfriend though... but he hasn't ASKED me to be his girl. This is why I'm confused. I just want to be 100% sure that we are together or not. That way, I'll know if it's smart to allow myself to completely open up emotionally, instead of 90%.
VictorM's advice:
You'd like to be his girlfriend? What the hell is wrong with you? I guess you have no desire to be in happy relationship with someone who respects you.
I don't really know what to tell about where you stand with him because I try to represent the views of real guys, not real jerks.
I love you too
Submitted on Monday, June 02, 2008
By Denise, 40, from MINNESOTA:
ALL IS GREAT BUT MY ? IS WHY DOES HE SAY "I LOVE YOU " ONLY AFTER I DO?? HE SAYS HE DOESN'T EVEN SAY IT TO HIS MOM FIRST. I AM NOT HIS MOM!!
VictorM's advice:
I think the point of him referencing to his mother was to say that you shouldn't take it personally. And he's right. Not saying "I love you" first may not please you but it's no reflection of his feelings for you, it's really about his upbringing and historical behavior.
How about saying to him: "OK, I understand, but if you ever could bring yourself up to say 'I love you' first, I would be very happy. Meanwhile, no sweat, I love you and I know you love me too."
The above is you trying to be nice, understanding, and seeking to succeed. Oh, and of course you have to be patient and give him the opportunity to say it first. Do you think you can manage?
By Denise, 40, from MINNESOTA:
ALL IS GREAT BUT MY ? IS WHY DOES HE SAY "I LOVE YOU " ONLY AFTER I DO?? HE SAYS HE DOESN'T EVEN SAY IT TO HIS MOM FIRST. I AM NOT HIS MOM!!
VictorM's advice:
I think the point of him referencing to his mother was to say that you shouldn't take it personally. And he's right. Not saying "I love you" first may not please you but it's no reflection of his feelings for you, it's really about his upbringing and historical behavior.
How about saying to him: "OK, I understand, but if you ever could bring yourself up to say 'I love you' first, I would be very happy. Meanwhile, no sweat, I love you and I know you love me too."
The above is you trying to be nice, understanding, and seeking to succeed. Oh, and of course you have to be patient and give him the opportunity to say it first. Do you think you can manage?
Thursday, June 05, 2008
He said he wasn't ready for exclusivity
Submitted on Monday, June 02, 2008
By Jill, 27, from Bethesda:
I became good email friends with a guy I knew as a kid (thank you, myspace). We emailed each other extensively long letters almost every day for a few months. When he moved back to our home-town, where I currently live, we started dating. We dated for a month or so, seeing each other once or twice a week, texting, emailing and talking just about every day. On our last date, which was about a month and a half ago, we could have slept together, but he stopped it. He said he wasn't ready for exclusivity. At that point, I pretty much figured that he was no longer interested. A few days later, I asked him, and he said that was correct. Fine, and done.
Two weeks after that, he calls, leaves a message saying we needed to catch up... etc. Two weeks after that, he calls again, and we start playing phone tag, (he always called more than I called back) and finally he catches me on the phone on a Monday. As I'm saying it was good to talk/goodbye, he says "wait!" and asks me if I'd be interested in going to a movie with him. I tell him sure, but not this weekend because I've got plans (I really did). He said the next week/weekend he'd be out of town, but not to worry, now that we have "plans" we'll definitely catch each other. Then I missed a call from him that same weekend (I did call back and left a message for him a day or two later). This was two weeks ago, no call. I'm cool with just being friends (although if he was just a friend, I would just call and say what's up). Is he interested in dating me again or does he just want me not to forget about him? I assume I shouldn't call him, again, correct?
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing in his behavior that indicates he's interested in you. If he was, he's be calling you more often.
I think he was looking for something to do with someone, he had your phone number on his list, you were pleasant company, so he gave you a call. This sounded like a simple, two friends going to a movie, and nothing more.
Sounds like he's nowhere near looking for exclusivity.
By Jill, 27, from Bethesda:
I became good email friends with a guy I knew as a kid (thank you, myspace). We emailed each other extensively long letters almost every day for a few months. When he moved back to our home-town, where I currently live, we started dating. We dated for a month or so, seeing each other once or twice a week, texting, emailing and talking just about every day. On our last date, which was about a month and a half ago, we could have slept together, but he stopped it. He said he wasn't ready for exclusivity. At that point, I pretty much figured that he was no longer interested. A few days later, I asked him, and he said that was correct. Fine, and done.
Two weeks after that, he calls, leaves a message saying we needed to catch up... etc. Two weeks after that, he calls again, and we start playing phone tag, (he always called more than I called back) and finally he catches me on the phone on a Monday. As I'm saying it was good to talk/goodbye, he says "wait!" and asks me if I'd be interested in going to a movie with him. I tell him sure, but not this weekend because I've got plans (I really did). He said the next week/weekend he'd be out of town, but not to worry, now that we have "plans" we'll definitely catch each other. Then I missed a call from him that same weekend (I did call back and left a message for him a day or two later). This was two weeks ago, no call. I'm cool with just being friends (although if he was just a friend, I would just call and say what's up). Is he interested in dating me again or does he just want me not to forget about him? I assume I shouldn't call him, again, correct?
VictorM's advice:
I see nothing in his behavior that indicates he's interested in you. If he was, he's be calling you more often.
I think he was looking for something to do with someone, he had your phone number on his list, you were pleasant company, so he gave you a call. This sounded like a simple, two friends going to a movie, and nothing more.
Sounds like he's nowhere near looking for exclusivity.
Do guys purposely go after girls with boyfriends
Submitted on Monday, June 02, 2008
By Shannon, 18, from California:
I was wondering, do guys purposely go after girls with boyfriends just to see if they can get them to cheat or something?
Because whenever i dont have a boyfriend, yeah i have guys that like me, but the feelings are never mutual. Its mostly the 'he's not my type of guy' kind of deal. So I'll look for a potential boyfriend and i usually find a couple of guys that i like, and they act as if they like me but never really let on to anything more then just being a 'hook up' (never sex, just occasional goofing around). Then i give up and eventually get a boyfriend and suddenly i have phone calls and texts and messages on myspace from all the same guys telling me that they like me, and why did i have to get a boyfriend, and oh well lets hang out please i really do like you. Is it purposeful? Or just guys being idiots? Sorry, i just really dont understand. haha. Because i currently have four different guys telling me how dissapointed they were when they found out i got a boyfriend. (Even though i gave them all plently of chances) But im very happy with my current boyfriend and dont plan on even talking to any of these guys anymore, i just wanted to know why guys do that, because it happens all the time and is extremely annoying. haha.
VictorM's advice:
I think what you are hearing is mostly a way of flattering you and the attraction of the forbidden fruit. It's safer to pay you compliments now that you have a boyfriend then when you didn't.
It's likely that you become more appealing when you have a boyfriend. You may send out the vibes of a girl that is fun and exciting, and consequently, you become more attractive to guys, hence the compliments.
Who knows, maybe you're too cranky when you don't have a boyfriend. :)
By Shannon, 18, from California:
I was wondering, do guys purposely go after girls with boyfriends just to see if they can get them to cheat or something?
Because whenever i dont have a boyfriend, yeah i have guys that like me, but the feelings are never mutual. Its mostly the 'he's not my type of guy' kind of deal. So I'll look for a potential boyfriend and i usually find a couple of guys that i like, and they act as if they like me but never really let on to anything more then just being a 'hook up' (never sex, just occasional goofing around). Then i give up and eventually get a boyfriend and suddenly i have phone calls and texts and messages on myspace from all the same guys telling me that they like me, and why did i have to get a boyfriend, and oh well lets hang out please i really do like you. Is it purposeful? Or just guys being idiots? Sorry, i just really dont understand. haha. Because i currently have four different guys telling me how dissapointed they were when they found out i got a boyfriend. (Even though i gave them all plently of chances) But im very happy with my current boyfriend and dont plan on even talking to any of these guys anymore, i just wanted to know why guys do that, because it happens all the time and is extremely annoying. haha.
VictorM's advice:
I think what you are hearing is mostly a way of flattering you and the attraction of the forbidden fruit. It's safer to pay you compliments now that you have a boyfriend then when you didn't.
It's likely that you become more appealing when you have a boyfriend. You may send out the vibes of a girl that is fun and exciting, and consequently, you become more attractive to guys, hence the compliments.
Who knows, maybe you're too cranky when you don't have a boyfriend. :)
I have like a really huge chest
Submitted on Monday, June 02, 2008
By Niky, 16, from california:
There's this guy that I've liked for a long time like 4 years now. He's never really noticed me before, but when we reached high school, well, I went through puberty and I have like a really huge chest and my braces were out, since then he started noticing me. When his friends are around while I'm there, they laugh and make fun of him, but it's just this year that it happened. So does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's made references about you to his friends that indicate he has a thing for you. Whether that interest is purely physical (your chest), or not, I can't say, but a girl such as yourself will draw the attention of quite a few boys based purely on the size of your chest. But if they're laughing at him when you're around, I'd assume his interest goes beyond your chest.
By Niky, 16, from california:
There's this guy that I've liked for a long time like 4 years now. He's never really noticed me before, but when we reached high school, well, I went through puberty and I have like a really huge chest and my braces were out, since then he started noticing me. When his friends are around while I'm there, they laugh and make fun of him, but it's just this year that it happened. So does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's made references about you to his friends that indicate he has a thing for you. Whether that interest is purely physical (your chest), or not, I can't say, but a girl such as yourself will draw the attention of quite a few boys based purely on the size of your chest. But if they're laughing at him when you're around, I'd assume his interest goes beyond your chest.
Lately, he hasn't been talking to me much
Submitted on Monday, June 02, 2008
By Beth, 19, from Thailand:
I have known this guy for a year now. I met him when he came home for summer since he studies abroad. He is about five years older than me. Back then, I did not develop any feelings for him. Yes, we talked. We hung out together in a group. But that was until he went back. He left me with a hug.
I noticed that he always started to greet me whenever we saw each other online. Our conversations were always great..we had fun..laughing and joking about. I would say we were flirting around too. I started noticing that he was calling me 'Love' , 'Honey' ..when i wasn't expecting. But i tried not to show my interest that obviously. One day, when my friend asked him about what's going on between us, he said..maybe he was too friendly to me that made her ask that question. Then he told her that he liked me..and that he was worried about the age difference,etc. Our conversations were still the same..
BUT
Lately, he hasn't been talking to me much. If he does, it's pretty short and to the point. No more nicknames or whatsoever. I understand that he is busy with his college life. But has his feelings changed? Or did he even have any feelings for me in the first place? He is coming back soon. And I am nervous to meet him. What do I say to him? How should I be? Please give me some advice.
VictorM's advice:
Guys usually flirt more on line than they do in person. So whether his flirting and paying you so much attention early on was temporary or not, I don't know. But the true test of his interest in you needs to be measured in person. Gauge his level of interest in you when he gets back. You can't make any assumptions based on the online chat.
By Beth, 19, from Thailand:
I have known this guy for a year now. I met him when he came home for summer since he studies abroad. He is about five years older than me. Back then, I did not develop any feelings for him. Yes, we talked. We hung out together in a group. But that was until he went back. He left me with a hug.
I noticed that he always started to greet me whenever we saw each other online. Our conversations were always great..we had fun..laughing and joking about. I would say we were flirting around too. I started noticing that he was calling me 'Love' , 'Honey' ..when i wasn't expecting. But i tried not to show my interest that obviously. One day, when my friend asked him about what's going on between us, he said..maybe he was too friendly to me that made her ask that question. Then he told her that he liked me..and that he was worried about the age difference,etc. Our conversations were still the same..
BUT
Lately, he hasn't been talking to me much. If he does, it's pretty short and to the point. No more nicknames or whatsoever. I understand that he is busy with his college life. But has his feelings changed? Or did he even have any feelings for me in the first place? He is coming back soon. And I am nervous to meet him. What do I say to him? How should I be? Please give me some advice.
VictorM's advice:
Guys usually flirt more on line than they do in person. So whether his flirting and paying you so much attention early on was temporary or not, I don't know. But the true test of his interest in you needs to be measured in person. Gauge his level of interest in you when he gets back. You can't make any assumptions based on the online chat.
He cheat on me
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By sas, 19, from gold coast:
Why did my boyfriend get drunk and cheat on me... instead of just breaking up with me if he wasn't ready for a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
There's a saying that goes like this: "The opportunity makes the thief." In this case, it seems that the party atmosphere, and whatever girl was involved, just came together at a point in time and led him to do something he wanted to do. Besides, guys often have a heart time breaking up with a girl because they don't want to feel like the "bad guy," so they procrastinate about breaking up.
By sas, 19, from gold coast:
Why did my boyfriend get drunk and cheat on me... instead of just breaking up with me if he wasn't ready for a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
There's a saying that goes like this: "The opportunity makes the thief." In this case, it seems that the party atmosphere, and whatever girl was involved, just came together at a point in time and led him to do something he wanted to do. Besides, guys often have a heart time breaking up with a girl because they don't want to feel like the "bad guy," so they procrastinate about breaking up.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
His friends call me his girlfriend
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By Shaye, 17, from Arizona:
I've been seeing this guy for a little over 2 months, we've had sex, and gone on many many dates, I've meet his friends/family and everything, and I was wondering, because his friends call me his girlfriend, and I've heard him mention to somebody that I was his girlfriend, but he's never officially asked me. Since he's a few years older than me I was wondering if older guys just assume or if we're just casually dating or something. I've very confused. I would absolutely LOVE nothing more than to be his girlfriend, but I dont want to be the one to just assume. A little help please, and THANK YOU.
VictorM's advice:
Based on what you say, you are his girlfriend. That's actually the way many guys feel, that there is no need for formal declarations. It has nothing to do with his age.
If you bring it up as if you're surprised, he could ask: "do you mean to tell me you sleep with guys who aren't your boyfriend?" So you might want to think twice about asking that question.
I suggest this: tell him you're like to determine a date when you two became boyfriend and girlfriend. (My guess? He'll say the first time you had sex).
By Shaye, 17, from Arizona:
I've been seeing this guy for a little over 2 months, we've had sex, and gone on many many dates, I've meet his friends/family and everything, and I was wondering, because his friends call me his girlfriend, and I've heard him mention to somebody that I was his girlfriend, but he's never officially asked me. Since he's a few years older than me I was wondering if older guys just assume or if we're just casually dating or something. I've very confused. I would absolutely LOVE nothing more than to be his girlfriend, but I dont want to be the one to just assume. A little help please, and THANK YOU.
VictorM's advice:
Based on what you say, you are his girlfriend. That's actually the way many guys feel, that there is no need for formal declarations. It has nothing to do with his age.
If you bring it up as if you're surprised, he could ask: "do you mean to tell me you sleep with guys who aren't your boyfriend?" So you might want to think twice about asking that question.
I suggest this: tell him you're like to determine a date when you two became boyfriend and girlfriend. (My guess? He'll say the first time you had sex).
Kate's three things
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
Alright Victor, three things:
1. I really don't think you answered Taylor's question, because although you did clarify that 'hot' is purely sexual, you didn't say what guys mean when they call a girl cute, pretty or beautiful, and I'd love to know.
2. My school year is ending very soon. Like I told you before, I had a falling out with a guy friend before, over our feelings for each other (basically, I liked him, he didn't like me back, and this somehow made things awkward between us). I found out a few weeks ago that he misses me (as a friend), and we got to talking again. The end of the year will be the end of my time at my school (I'm leaving middle school for high school) and because we aren't as close anymore, the chances of seeing each other next year are slim. How do I end this year with him? Should I bring past feelings up or are they better left in the past? Should I suggest hanging out as friends over the summer? How should I leave him when the last day of school rolls around?
and finally 3. a couple weeks ago I got talking online to a new guy, but quickly the conversation got dry and I eventually just gave up trying to get him out of his shell. He's incredibly shy at school, and for a few days I got him talking, but suddenly he snapped back into his shell, as though he were a turtle, and has yet to show his face. What's up with him? I feel like whenever I email him, I'm forcing things out of him and making things awkward. Should I move on from this guy or give it another shot?
VictorM's advice:
Kate! Where have you been? This page is a lonely place without your questions. :)
Anyway, on to your questions...
1. Go read the comments section of that post. san antone rose posted a definition by her guy that I fully agree with. (Click here)
2. Make plans to see him like friends would. Do NOT bring up the past!
3. Don't give up. Shy guys can take a while to loosen up. If you know specific topics he knows a lot about or is passionate about, try to bring those up. Keep in mind that shyness is not about lack of confidence, it's about lack of trust. He needs to feel that you won't make fun of him or tell your friends things you talk about. If you gain his trust, he'll talk.
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
Alright Victor, three things:
1. I really don't think you answered Taylor's question, because although you did clarify that 'hot' is purely sexual, you didn't say what guys mean when they call a girl cute, pretty or beautiful, and I'd love to know.
2. My school year is ending very soon. Like I told you before, I had a falling out with a guy friend before, over our feelings for each other (basically, I liked him, he didn't like me back, and this somehow made things awkward between us). I found out a few weeks ago that he misses me (as a friend), and we got to talking again. The end of the year will be the end of my time at my school (I'm leaving middle school for high school) and because we aren't as close anymore, the chances of seeing each other next year are slim. How do I end this year with him? Should I bring past feelings up or are they better left in the past? Should I suggest hanging out as friends over the summer? How should I leave him when the last day of school rolls around?
and finally 3. a couple weeks ago I got talking online to a new guy, but quickly the conversation got dry and I eventually just gave up trying to get him out of his shell. He's incredibly shy at school, and for a few days I got him talking, but suddenly he snapped back into his shell, as though he were a turtle, and has yet to show his face. What's up with him? I feel like whenever I email him, I'm forcing things out of him and making things awkward. Should I move on from this guy or give it another shot?
VictorM's advice:
Kate! Where have you been? This page is a lonely place without your questions. :)
Anyway, on to your questions...
1. Go read the comments section of that post. san antone rose posted a definition by her guy that I fully agree with. (Click here)
2. Make plans to see him like friends would. Do NOT bring up the past!
3. Don't give up. Shy guys can take a while to loosen up. If you know specific topics he knows a lot about or is passionate about, try to bring those up. Keep in mind that shyness is not about lack of confidence, it's about lack of trust. He needs to feel that you won't make fun of him or tell your friends things you talk about. If you gain his trust, he'll talk.
He said he needed to go to the lawyer
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By Cathy, 43, from Toronto:
I have been dating a guy for 2.5 years. I kept asking where we were going with the relationship either move in together or move on with our lives. He said he needed to go to the lawyer. This was not happening, I pushed him to go and he started to get really nasty with me. I asked if I am so wrong why he was with me and he said cause I kept coming back. I said nothing and walked out on that hurtful comment and he has not called me since. Will he ever call or is it really over.
VictorM's advice:
I don't see the relevance of him needing to go to a lawyer, but if he's a smart, level headed guy he shouldn't call again and go on with his life while you go on with yours. But based on what I read, there's a good chance he'll call.
By Cathy, 43, from Toronto:
I have been dating a guy for 2.5 years. I kept asking where we were going with the relationship either move in together or move on with our lives. He said he needed to go to the lawyer. This was not happening, I pushed him to go and he started to get really nasty with me. I asked if I am so wrong why he was with me and he said cause I kept coming back. I said nothing and walked out on that hurtful comment and he has not called me since. Will he ever call or is it really over.
VictorM's advice:
I don't see the relevance of him needing to go to a lawyer, but if he's a smart, level headed guy he shouldn't call again and go on with his life while you go on with yours. But based on what I read, there's a good chance he'll call.
We ended up sleeping together
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By Jess, 23, from Chicago:
So, I met this guy online (Myspace) and we we're talking for quite awhile. Finally we went out on a date. We went on 6 dates to eat out, go to the bars, movies, etc. So, then we ended up sleeping together. He let me stay at his place while he went to work the morning after. So, after that we have been texting as usual all the time. I have asked him if he wants to go out for some food or whatever a few times and he says he's busy. I haven't seen him for almost 2 weeks. He says he absolutely misses me, blah, blah, blah BUT he's been busy and sick also.
By Jess, 23, from Chicago:
So, I met this guy online (Myspace) and we we're talking for quite awhile. Finally we went out on a date. We went on 6 dates to eat out, go to the bars, movies, etc. So, then we ended up sleeping together. He let me stay at his place while he went to work the morning after. So, after that we have been texting as usual all the time. I have asked him if he wants to go out for some food or whatever a few times and he says he's busy. I haven't seen him for almost 2 weeks. He says he absolutely misses me, blah, blah, blah BUT he's been busy and sick also.
*So, what's going on in his head?
VictorM's advice:
He's not into you anymore but doesn't have the courage to say it, so he says things he knows you want to hear, all the while avoiding you, hoping that you break up with him and he doesn't have to be the "bad guy."
There's nothing to second guess about your behavior. You met a guy, you did things together, you had sex when you thought was right, and during this whole process he come to the conclusion you're not "the one" for him. That's what dating is all about.
Better luck next time.
VictorM's advice:
He's not into you anymore but doesn't have the courage to say it, so he says things he knows you want to hear, all the while avoiding you, hoping that you break up with him and he doesn't have to be the "bad guy."
There's nothing to second guess about your behavior. You met a guy, you did things together, you had sex when you thought was right, and during this whole process he come to the conclusion you're not "the one" for him. That's what dating is all about.
Better luck next time.
He broke up with me through TXT!
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By Emaleigh, 18, from wichita, KS:
I met my boyfriend at prom of april 2007 i was 17 he was 18 and we have been so in love with each other. We have been through so much together and we have even stayed together since he was in college and i was in high school. He has said I was his future wife and i'm perfect for him and he loved me so much. We have been together for a whole year now, we have even exchanged promise rings which was his idea and even bringing up marriage and kids was his idea. Now i have graduated and he was happy for me and we where goin to go to the same college together but when i told him i wish he would see me more and told him it makes me upset he snapped and said "I always cause drama and we don't even know each other" and then he broke up with me through TXT! I can't believe it, we have been through so much. So why did he break up with me? We have never had a fight and I have never argued with him.
Please help I don't know what to do?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you had an immature relationship. He ended things with you in a way reflective of his immaturity.
A relationship as passive as you described, quite frankly, is unnatural and sounds boring.
You sound so grounded on the past ("we have been through so much") but relationships are about the now and the future. He wasn't happy about what the prospects for life with you looked like.
Since you can't control how others feel about you, be grateful he made his move when you're young enough to seek your own real happiness, not some romanticized version of it.
By Emaleigh, 18, from wichita, KS:
I met my boyfriend at prom of april 2007 i was 17 he was 18 and we have been so in love with each other. We have been through so much together and we have even stayed together since he was in college and i was in high school. He has said I was his future wife and i'm perfect for him and he loved me so much. We have been together for a whole year now, we have even exchanged promise rings which was his idea and even bringing up marriage and kids was his idea. Now i have graduated and he was happy for me and we where goin to go to the same college together but when i told him i wish he would see me more and told him it makes me upset he snapped and said "I always cause drama and we don't even know each other" and then he broke up with me through TXT! I can't believe it, we have been through so much. So why did he break up with me? We have never had a fight and I have never argued with him.
Please help I don't know what to do?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you had an immature relationship. He ended things with you in a way reflective of his immaturity.
A relationship as passive as you described, quite frankly, is unnatural and sounds boring.
You sound so grounded on the past ("we have been through so much") but relationships are about the now and the future. He wasn't happy about what the prospects for life with you looked like.
Since you can't control how others feel about you, be grateful he made his move when you're young enough to seek your own real happiness, not some romanticized version of it.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
He kept saying "I just don't know what to do"
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
Hi Victor,
First, I'll give you some background. My ex boyfriend and I broke up a year and a half ago. Basically we were together for 6 years and things just stopped moving forward. I wanted to get married, he said he did too, but for some reason we never did. I got resentful, and we really didn't communicate well about the whole thing (I think communication was our major issue). So, I moved out and we broke up.
Since the break up there have not been any bad or awkward feelings between us. We have spoken about once a month on the phone (often initiated by him), occasional emails. No booty calls or anything!
Over the past month, there were a few traumatic events in his life (grandma got sick, dog died). He called me crying about the dog, I visited his grandma in the hospital, etc.
We both have been dating other people. My new guy is turning out to have some major issues, that are "deal breakers". My ex has been dating a girl for a year that lives in another state.
So, if he has a girlfriend whom he should be calling when he's upset, does the fact that he's calling me at times of stress/trouble mean anything?
Two days ago, I tried to discuss this with him. I ended up being way more emotional (I cried) than I wanted to be. (sometimes I hate being a woman!) But basically I told him, I miss him and it's too hard for me to still have him in my life if we are not going to be together. He said "I miss you too" and said it was really nice to have me around during the incidents with the dog and his grandma. He kept saying "I just don't know what to do". I asked him if he is happy since we broke up and he said "sometimes". He said I caught him off guard (I did) and we would talk about it another time, and that's how we left it.
My thoughts are if we are still thinking about each other a year and a half later, and he comes to me for comfort at times of stress, maybe there is something still there that we should not give up on.
Also, I think that I cannot "compete" with a long distance relationship. Obviously, it is fun and like a vacation when they see each other and they don't have to deal with any of these real issues in a relationship. (I suppose this is something he needs to realize on his own, I can't point it out.)
My question is, I'd like to try things again, what's the best way to deal with this situation?
I'm afraid if I give him too much space to figure it out, he will just forget about me and keep moving on. Or, should I just try to move on and forget about him?
Thanks for your time.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that your problem with a reconciliation is a long distance relationship; it's that he doesn't want one. Never mind the calls to you when he's under stress. All that means is that you're a good listener and he feels comfortable enough around you to be intimate and even cry. Heck, when I was going through a divorce my favorite person to talk to was my sister. Somehow I think he thinks of you as someone closer to a sister than a lover. And that's a problem.
After six years, and after being away from you, he's still saying "I don't know what to do." As a woman, you see a ray of hope in that statement. As a guy, I say it means: "I don't know what to do but I know I don't want you."
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
Hi Victor,
First, I'll give you some background. My ex boyfriend and I broke up a year and a half ago. Basically we were together for 6 years and things just stopped moving forward. I wanted to get married, he said he did too, but for some reason we never did. I got resentful, and we really didn't communicate well about the whole thing (I think communication was our major issue). So, I moved out and we broke up.
Since the break up there have not been any bad or awkward feelings between us. We have spoken about once a month on the phone (often initiated by him), occasional emails. No booty calls or anything!
Over the past month, there were a few traumatic events in his life (grandma got sick, dog died). He called me crying about the dog, I visited his grandma in the hospital, etc.
We both have been dating other people. My new guy is turning out to have some major issues, that are "deal breakers". My ex has been dating a girl for a year that lives in another state.
So, if he has a girlfriend whom he should be calling when he's upset, does the fact that he's calling me at times of stress/trouble mean anything?
Two days ago, I tried to discuss this with him. I ended up being way more emotional (I cried) than I wanted to be. (sometimes I hate being a woman!) But basically I told him, I miss him and it's too hard for me to still have him in my life if we are not going to be together. He said "I miss you too" and said it was really nice to have me around during the incidents with the dog and his grandma. He kept saying "I just don't know what to do". I asked him if he is happy since we broke up and he said "sometimes". He said I caught him off guard (I did) and we would talk about it another time, and that's how we left it.
My thoughts are if we are still thinking about each other a year and a half later, and he comes to me for comfort at times of stress, maybe there is something still there that we should not give up on.
Also, I think that I cannot "compete" with a long distance relationship. Obviously, it is fun and like a vacation when they see each other and they don't have to deal with any of these real issues in a relationship. (I suppose this is something he needs to realize on his own, I can't point it out.)
My question is, I'd like to try things again, what's the best way to deal with this situation?
I'm afraid if I give him too much space to figure it out, he will just forget about me and keep moving on. Or, should I just try to move on and forget about him?
Thanks for your time.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that your problem with a reconciliation is a long distance relationship; it's that he doesn't want one. Never mind the calls to you when he's under stress. All that means is that you're a good listener and he feels comfortable enough around you to be intimate and even cry. Heck, when I was going through a divorce my favorite person to talk to was my sister. Somehow I think he thinks of you as someone closer to a sister than a lover. And that's a problem.
After six years, and after being away from you, he's still saying "I don't know what to do." As a woman, you see a ray of hope in that statement. As a guy, I say it means: "I don't know what to do but I know I don't want you."
Player? or just plain mental?
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By Giuliana, 38, from scotland:
I have read your page and found the advice you give out to be really good, so thought i would run this problem by you. My friend met a guy, a policeman, at the begining of december last year. Major attraction on her part, and also it seemed on the guy`s part as well. They went on a date, had a great time,she invited him in for a coffee at the end of the night,he was a perfect gent(a coffee was indeed all he got!), before he left, he said that he would like to see her again, then went on to state that as it was coming up to the christmas period he had a lot on between work and christmas functions, but he definetly wanted to see her again.So far so good. He kept up regular contact with her by txt message, but no mention of a future date, the txt msg`s generally started with something like `hey gorgeous girl` or `hi miss amazing, you make my heart race`!!! However, fast forward to end of January, and still no further date, but still txt`n! He did however say that he had a boy`s night out in our local city the following week if she was out, would be good to meet with her. She couldn`t make it though but offered to meet with him the following week. No response! He then dissappeared of the radar for a couple of months. At this stage, my friend thought that he was possibly a married guy or attached in some way. However, he then resummed contact with her, apologising for not being in contact for a while,saying that he had a few issues which weren`t important, didn`t ask to see her at thispoint, but the next week, hetxt her again saying that he had a night out in town and was she going to be out? She then decided to meet up with him, that night she asked him if he was married or attached in some way. He said that no he wasn`t, but there had been someone, he didn`t elaborate, he just saidit had been a messy break up, bank acounts involved etc. Again, they had a great time,he came back to her house, but again was a perfect gent, snogging session and a bit of a fumble! nothing more. He txt her 2 days later saying he had a fab time and definetly wanted to see her again. However, 2 months have again passed, he again was keepintg up the txt contact regularly, saying he hoped to see her soon. He seems to have a very busy and varied social life, football, golf trips abroad, boys trips abroad every few weeks! He did txt her one saturday night at 8.3o pm saying that he had unexpectadly finished work early and was she available to meet, which she wasn`t as she was at a friends house for dinner but hoped to see him soon. Last week he txt her again, still no date on offer, so my friend took control of the situation, and sent him a txt back saying that really she wasn`t looking for a txt buddy, and that as nice as it had been, it seemed all he was offering her was kind words and that wasn`t what she was looking for, but he had her number should things change for him in the future. She got no reply to this txt. What goes on with this guy? Player? or just plain mental?
VictorM's advice:
He's just a guy that does things purely when they are convenient for him, without regards to how it impacts other people. I wouldn't be surprised if there were/are several other women in the same circumstances as your friend.
This guys isn't into your friend with any intentions of being serious; he just does enough to keep her on his little black book, to call or text when he feels like it, and to meet on the spur of the moment when it suits him.
His behavior is not a mystery to me. What puzzles me is why she put up with it for so long and why she's still willing to take his call, if and when he feels like calling her?
By Giuliana, 38, from scotland:
I have read your page and found the advice you give out to be really good, so thought i would run this problem by you. My friend met a guy, a policeman, at the begining of december last year. Major attraction on her part, and also it seemed on the guy`s part as well. They went on a date, had a great time,she invited him in for a coffee at the end of the night,he was a perfect gent(a coffee was indeed all he got!), before he left, he said that he would like to see her again, then went on to state that as it was coming up to the christmas period he had a lot on between work and christmas functions, but he definetly wanted to see her again.So far so good. He kept up regular contact with her by txt message, but no mention of a future date, the txt msg`s generally started with something like `hey gorgeous girl` or `hi miss amazing, you make my heart race`!!! However, fast forward to end of January, and still no further date, but still txt`n! He did however say that he had a boy`s night out in our local city the following week if she was out, would be good to meet with her. She couldn`t make it though but offered to meet with him the following week. No response! He then dissappeared of the radar for a couple of months. At this stage, my friend thought that he was possibly a married guy or attached in some way. However, he then resummed contact with her, apologising for not being in contact for a while,saying that he had a few issues which weren`t important, didn`t ask to see her at thispoint, but the next week, hetxt her again saying that he had a night out in town and was she going to be out? She then decided to meet up with him, that night she asked him if he was married or attached in some way. He said that no he wasn`t, but there had been someone, he didn`t elaborate, he just saidit had been a messy break up, bank acounts involved etc. Again, they had a great time,he came back to her house, but again was a perfect gent, snogging session and a bit of a fumble! nothing more. He txt her 2 days later saying he had a fab time and definetly wanted to see her again. However, 2 months have again passed, he again was keepintg up the txt contact regularly, saying he hoped to see her soon. He seems to have a very busy and varied social life, football, golf trips abroad, boys trips abroad every few weeks! He did txt her one saturday night at 8.3o pm saying that he had unexpectadly finished work early and was she available to meet, which she wasn`t as she was at a friends house for dinner but hoped to see him soon. Last week he txt her again, still no date on offer, so my friend took control of the situation, and sent him a txt back saying that really she wasn`t looking for a txt buddy, and that as nice as it had been, it seemed all he was offering her was kind words and that wasn`t what she was looking for, but he had her number should things change for him in the future. She got no reply to this txt. What goes on with this guy? Player? or just plain mental?
VictorM's advice:
He's just a guy that does things purely when they are convenient for him, without regards to how it impacts other people. I wouldn't be surprised if there were/are several other women in the same circumstances as your friend.
This guys isn't into your friend with any intentions of being serious; he just does enough to keep her on his little black book, to call or text when he feels like it, and to meet on the spur of the moment when it suits him.
His behavior is not a mystery to me. What puzzles me is why she put up with it for so long and why she's still willing to take his call, if and when he feels like calling her?
Testing the water?
Submitted on Sunday, June 01, 2008
By anonymous, 37, from england:
I was dating my boyfriend for 5 months and things were great between us. I had a mad moment due to my own insecurity, i had been let down badly before in a previous relationship, and my feelings for my boyfriend were growing stronger and i basically flipped out. He then went silent on me and i tried to fix the damage that i caused, but he wouldn`t speak to me about what happened, he didn`t ignore me when i contacted him, he always answered, but was not willing to discuss what happened, and stopped contacting me wheras prior to this he had been all over me and contacting me multiple times daily. I then just left him alone, i stopped contacting him completley. Last week he txt me out of the blue, asking `how u been?` i replied saying that i was ok. I had also had a bit of stress at work and mentioned this, i also said that it was a long story! anyway we txt back and forth, he asked what was up at work and i tried to explain as best as i could, nothing heavy or anything, there was humour in my txt`s. He put kisses on all his txt`s to me. We txt back and forth for a bit, but he never asked to see me, which i had been hoping he would do. This is the first time in ages that he has contacted me, do you think he was `testing the water` perhaps? I havn`t contacted him since,and that`s been 1 week since he txt me and i havn`t heard from him again. do you think he is getting interested again?
VictorM's advice:
At first I thought he might be testing the waters, but then, going a week without further contact isn't exactly the most optimistic result, is it?
I don't know that you should give up hope but keep in mind that breakups seldom happen "cold turkey." Often there is follow-up contact. This contact is usually misinterpreted as an attempt to reconcile, but quite often it's the opposite. See, guys hate to be thought of as the "bad guy", so they make enough contact to leave things in a positive note. Maybe that's what's happening here.
Anyway, hopefully he will still contact you, but if he does not, now you know what the purpose of his last texting effort was.
By anonymous, 37, from england:
I was dating my boyfriend for 5 months and things were great between us. I had a mad moment due to my own insecurity, i had been let down badly before in a previous relationship, and my feelings for my boyfriend were growing stronger and i basically flipped out. He then went silent on me and i tried to fix the damage that i caused, but he wouldn`t speak to me about what happened, he didn`t ignore me when i contacted him, he always answered, but was not willing to discuss what happened, and stopped contacting me wheras prior to this he had been all over me and contacting me multiple times daily. I then just left him alone, i stopped contacting him completley. Last week he txt me out of the blue, asking `how u been?` i replied saying that i was ok. I had also had a bit of stress at work and mentioned this, i also said that it was a long story! anyway we txt back and forth, he asked what was up at work and i tried to explain as best as i could, nothing heavy or anything, there was humour in my txt`s. He put kisses on all his txt`s to me. We txt back and forth for a bit, but he never asked to see me, which i had been hoping he would do. This is the first time in ages that he has contacted me, do you think he was `testing the water` perhaps? I havn`t contacted him since,and that`s been 1 week since he txt me and i havn`t heard from him again. do you think he is getting interested again?
VictorM's advice:
At first I thought he might be testing the waters, but then, going a week without further contact isn't exactly the most optimistic result, is it?
I don't know that you should give up hope but keep in mind that breakups seldom happen "cold turkey." Often there is follow-up contact. This contact is usually misinterpreted as an attempt to reconcile, but quite often it's the opposite. See, guys hate to be thought of as the "bad guy", so they make enough contact to leave things in a positive note. Maybe that's what's happening here.
Anyway, hopefully he will still contact you, but if he does not, now you know what the purpose of his last texting effort was.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Cute, hot, pretty, beautiful
Submitted on Saturday, May 31, 2008
By Taylor, 20, from California:
Can you explain to me what a guy means or feels (about you) when he calls you cute, hot, pretty, beautiful, etc.? Is there a difference between these, besides the obvious? Like, is there some underlying meaning? For example, maybe calling a girl hot means "I'd love to have sex with her, but nothing more than that." I've always been curious.
VictorM's advice:
If a guy says to you "you're hot," he clearly is craving you sexually and chances are that sexual thoughts dominate his intentions. If he uses any of the other expressions (you're pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, etc.) he still thinks of you're hot, but he's being more respectful.
Just be aware that among guys, talking about a girl they like, saying "she's hot" is more common because among the male pack, emphasizing sexual attraction is the norm.
By Taylor, 20, from California:
Can you explain to me what a guy means or feels (about you) when he calls you cute, hot, pretty, beautiful, etc.? Is there a difference between these, besides the obvious? Like, is there some underlying meaning? For example, maybe calling a girl hot means "I'd love to have sex with her, but nothing more than that." I've always been curious.
VictorM's advice:
If a guy says to you "you're hot," he clearly is craving you sexually and chances are that sexual thoughts dominate his intentions. If he uses any of the other expressions (you're pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, etc.) he still thinks of you're hot, but he's being more respectful.
Just be aware that among guys, talking about a girl they like, saying "she's hot" is more common because among the male pack, emphasizing sexual attraction is the norm.
He split up with her
Submitted on Saturday, May 31, 2008
By anonymous, 18:
well I have known and liked this guy for a while but never told him as he had a girlfriend and we usually speak about his relationship with her. One day he text me saying he split up with her and said quote: "Please tell me something encouraging about my split." What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
He wants to play the "Breaking up with my girlfriend was the best thing that could happen to me because..." He's looking for you to help him find reasons that make that statement true.
Does it mean that he's looking for one of the reasons to be "...now you're free to date me."? That I don't know. He might be looking for that, but that statement by itself doesn't suggest that. The statement sounds more like he's asking a friend to give him reasons to cheer up.
well I have known and liked this guy for a while but never told him as he had a girlfriend and we usually speak about his relationship with her. One day he text me saying he split up with her and said quote: "Please tell me something encouraging about my split." What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
He wants to play the "Breaking up with my girlfriend was the best thing that could happen to me because..." He's looking for you to help him find reasons that make that statement true.
Does it mean that he's looking for one of the reasons to be "...now you're free to date me."? That I don't know. He might be looking for that, but that statement by itself doesn't suggest that. The statement sounds more like he's asking a friend to give him reasons to cheer up.
We need to rebuild the bridge
Submitted on Saturday, May 31, 2008
By Rose, 20, from Australia:
I'll keep it brief. My boyfriend and I were going out for a year. He broke up with me 6 months ago (the reason isn't important - no cheating or anything was involved) and a month ago he got back in contact with me, saying he wanted to get back together.
I know he wants to take things slow, which is the logical thing to do. But he keeps saying "We need to rebuild the bridge" I just want to know what the hell that means -- seeing as we're acting the way we use to when we were together.
Thanks in advance.
VictorM's advice:
You seem to think that the reason you broke up before is not important; sounds like he begs to differ. Maybe you're not really addressing things that went unresolved, or you're in denial about what went on before.
Whether you simply don't want to admit it here, or you don't want to admit it to yourself, there's a lot more to why he broke up with you than you are willing to consider.
Ask him what he means and to be clear about what bridge is he talking about. My guess is that you two have a lot more to talk about than you think if a reunion is going to work out.
By Rose, 20, from Australia:
I'll keep it brief. My boyfriend and I were going out for a year. He broke up with me 6 months ago (the reason isn't important - no cheating or anything was involved) and a month ago he got back in contact with me, saying he wanted to get back together.
I know he wants to take things slow, which is the logical thing to do. But he keeps saying "We need to rebuild the bridge" I just want to know what the hell that means -- seeing as we're acting the way we use to when we were together.
Thanks in advance.
VictorM's advice:
You seem to think that the reason you broke up before is not important; sounds like he begs to differ. Maybe you're not really addressing things that went unresolved, or you're in denial about what went on before.
Whether you simply don't want to admit it here, or you don't want to admit it to yourself, there's a lot more to why he broke up with you than you are willing to consider.
Ask him what he means and to be clear about what bridge is he talking about. My guess is that you two have a lot more to talk about than you think if a reunion is going to work out.
I feel like he treats me like his girlfriend
Submitted on Friday, May 30, 2008
By rand, 19, from CA:
Hi! So I'm casually dating but there is this one guy who I do genuinely actually like. We both have acknowledged to each other that we're not quite ready for a relationship yet and we haven't been sleeping together or anything but every time I'm around him I feel like he treats me like his girlfriend. Like we'll be watching tv and he'll hold my hand, pull me in close, and run his hands through my hair, and what not, and I stayed over at his house the other night and we were hugging and stuff all night. He tells me he's not ready for a relationship or whatever yet he even goes out of his way to invite me over and cooks me dinner and everything! Even his housemates were teasing him about being all 'romantic'. I really don't understand and I'm too scared to ask in case he freaks out about me being pushy when really I just want to know where I stand.
The last girl he was with broke up with him a couple of months ago but she didn't move out till a few weeks ago so he said he doesn't feel like he's been emotionally single for as long as he has been and that's why he's not looking for a relationship right now.. I guess I can't tell whether he just needs more time or...? I don't understand why he needs to go so out of his way for me?
Thanks for the advice!
VictorM's advice:
He's going out of his way because he likes you and possibly because his ex complained he never did that (guys often compensate for their flaws with one girlfriend by trying extra hard with the next). But guys are also typically slower to want to be in a relationship. What he is doing now is getting to know you better and allowing you to get to know him better (hence him putting his best foot forward now) so that the odds of having a successful relationship increase.
Forget all that. The bottom line is: you like him, he likes you, and you both are having a good time together. Enjoy.
By rand, 19, from CA:
Hi! So I'm casually dating but there is this one guy who I do genuinely actually like. We both have acknowledged to each other that we're not quite ready for a relationship yet and we haven't been sleeping together or anything but every time I'm around him I feel like he treats me like his girlfriend. Like we'll be watching tv and he'll hold my hand, pull me in close, and run his hands through my hair, and what not, and I stayed over at his house the other night and we were hugging and stuff all night. He tells me he's not ready for a relationship or whatever yet he even goes out of his way to invite me over and cooks me dinner and everything! Even his housemates were teasing him about being all 'romantic'. I really don't understand and I'm too scared to ask in case he freaks out about me being pushy when really I just want to know where I stand.
The last girl he was with broke up with him a couple of months ago but she didn't move out till a few weeks ago so he said he doesn't feel like he's been emotionally single for as long as he has been and that's why he's not looking for a relationship right now.. I guess I can't tell whether he just needs more time or...? I don't understand why he needs to go so out of his way for me?
Thanks for the advice!
VictorM's advice:
He's going out of his way because he likes you and possibly because his ex complained he never did that (guys often compensate for their flaws with one girlfriend by trying extra hard with the next). But guys are also typically slower to want to be in a relationship. What he is doing now is getting to know you better and allowing you to get to know him better (hence him putting his best foot forward now) so that the odds of having a successful relationship increase.
Forget all that. The bottom line is: you like him, he likes you, and you both are having a good time together. Enjoy.
Sometimes it seems like he doesn't even care
Submitted on Friday, May 30, 2008
By Kristyn Nichols, 16, from A place:
Ok so I have a boyfriend and he is moving in a week or so. I have no clue what to do. And I totally know that he has my heart but sometimes it seems like he doesn't even care. I am really confused. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Keep in mind that males are generally raised to be tough and strong. So don't expect him to be weepy and miserable about it. Even if he feels that way inside, he might not want to show it.
The other reason for not showing signs of unhappiness is that he fears they would only make you feel worse. So in a guy kinda way, he's just trying to keep your spirits up by keeping his up.
Do not confuse his actions with not caring.
By Kristyn Nichols, 16, from A place:
Ok so I have a boyfriend and he is moving in a week or so. I have no clue what to do. And I totally know that he has my heart but sometimes it seems like he doesn't even care. I am really confused. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Keep in mind that males are generally raised to be tough and strong. So don't expect him to be weepy and miserable about it. Even if he feels that way inside, he might not want to show it.
The other reason for not showing signs of unhappiness is that he fears they would only make you feel worse. So in a guy kinda way, he's just trying to keep your spirits up by keeping his up.
Do not confuse his actions with not caring.
