Saturday, May 31, 2008
Everything between us is perfect
Submitted on Thursday, May 29, 2008
By Shea' Anne, 18, from arizona:
So i have this boyfriend and we've been together for a while now and everything between us is perfect. We have the best times together, we never fight, he's not the jealous type and neither am I. He constantly reminds me of how much i mean to him and how much he loves me. He's basically the opposite of every boyfriend i ever had. The thing is, recently we've been spending less and less time together. I know its mostly because his job suddenly took off and is doing great and im so happy for him. But on his days off i feel like he spends more time with his friends than me. He'll call me and tell me what a great day he had with his friends, and maybe he'll come see me tommorrow if he can. But he usually winds up being busy. I know i sound sort of clingy, but its hard for me to have a relationship when i only see him maybe once a week. Im used to the type of boyfriend i see every other day or what not. And im afriad he'll start losing intrest in me. Lately its been making me feel like im the one trying in the relationship. I try so hard to be the perfect girlfriend for him because i dont want to lose him, but i feel as though i almost am anyways. It doesnt help that i dont have a job so i sit at home all day thinking about him. Im getting to the point where i just want to end it but i cant, hes too great of a guy. I mean hes honestly the first guy who didnt try to get in my pants the day we met. im just wondering if i should try and work this out or try and move on?
Im sure you've been asked this question many times but any advice would help! thanks!
VictorM's advice:
This is another one for the file "Where do women get this stuff from?"
Here you are saying everything is perfect, only to follow it up with he prefers his friends to you, that you only see him once a week, and whether you should move on. Perfect things are not!
But this type of seeing the relationship through rose-colored glasses could be part of the problem. If he has such a good time with his friends and prefers them lately, it might mean the times he spends with you aren't as much fun as you're leading yourself to believe they are. They may be to you, but you're oblivious to it not being so perfect to him.
Further, let me tell you, that the only relationship worth keeping is the one worth losing. By that I mean, if you don't feel confident enough to express your fears, concerns, doubts, dissatisfactions, dreams, plans, etc. for fear of losing the guy, you've become a prisoner in your own fantasy world. I don't know if you should move on or not, but I think you should stop trying to be such a perfect girlfriend, talk to the guy, express your feelings and opinions to him. Then, either things get better or you'll both know it's time to move on.
But whatever happens, you should let go of this notion that for things to be good they need to be perfect. It's a myth. One that will always just leave you disappointed in the end. The real world, and relationships worth keeping, aren't perfect.
(Damn, that was a perfect answer!) *pats self in the back*
So i have this boyfriend and we've been together for a while now and everything between us is perfect. We have the best times together, we never fight, he's not the jealous type and neither am I. He constantly reminds me of how much i mean to him and how much he loves me. He's basically the opposite of every boyfriend i ever had. The thing is, recently we've been spending less and less time together. I know its mostly because his job suddenly took off and is doing great and im so happy for him. But on his days off i feel like he spends more time with his friends than me. He'll call me and tell me what a great day he had with his friends, and maybe he'll come see me tommorrow if he can. But he usually winds up being busy. I know i sound sort of clingy, but its hard for me to have a relationship when i only see him maybe once a week. Im used to the type of boyfriend i see every other day or what not. And im afriad he'll start losing intrest in me. Lately its been making me feel like im the one trying in the relationship. I try so hard to be the perfect girlfriend for him because i dont want to lose him, but i feel as though i almost am anyways. It doesnt help that i dont have a job so i sit at home all day thinking about him. Im getting to the point where i just want to end it but i cant, hes too great of a guy. I mean hes honestly the first guy who didnt try to get in my pants the day we met. im just wondering if i should try and work this out or try and move on?
Im sure you've been asked this question many times but any advice would help! thanks!
VictorM's advice:
This is another one for the file "Where do women get this stuff from?"
Here you are saying everything is perfect, only to follow it up with he prefers his friends to you, that you only see him once a week, and whether you should move on. Perfect things are not!
But this type of seeing the relationship through rose-colored glasses could be part of the problem. If he has such a good time with his friends and prefers them lately, it might mean the times he spends with you aren't as much fun as you're leading yourself to believe they are. They may be to you, but you're oblivious to it not being so perfect to him.
Further, let me tell you, that the only relationship worth keeping is the one worth losing. By that I mean, if you don't feel confident enough to express your fears, concerns, doubts, dissatisfactions, dreams, plans, etc. for fear of losing the guy, you've become a prisoner in your own fantasy world. I don't know if you should move on or not, but I think you should stop trying to be such a perfect girlfriend, talk to the guy, express your feelings and opinions to him. Then, either things get better or you'll both know it's time to move on.
But whatever happens, you should let go of this notion that for things to be good they need to be perfect. It's a myth. One that will always just leave you disappointed in the end. The real world, and relationships worth keeping, aren't perfect.
(Damn, that was a perfect answer!) *pats self in the back*
You better not forget me!
Submitted on Thursday, May 29, 2008
By Monica, 16, from Laredo, Tx.:
I think im really close of finding out if my ex boyfriend still has feelings for me. But at the same time i have no idea..i did get a boyfriend but i broke up with him for my ex (i know stupid move) i also ended up telling him that i still loved him and that i hadnt forgotten him. He told me "haha!! you better not forget me!!!!!! IM SOOOO..SORRY FOR THE WAY I WAS TO YOU!!" and im like ok? then i told him are you sure what you mean? hes like FUCK YEA!!!! and then i told him do you still love me? and he said "I HAVE THIS FEELING FOR YOU BUT I DONT KNOW IF YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY?" and of course i told him i still did that i never stopped loving him. But in a way i think he is lying to me..:( what should i do? please help me :'(
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he's lying, maybe not. But in any case, you should trust your instincts -- they seldom let you down.
But even if you want to give this relationship another try, why not? You broke up once before, you can always do it again.
By Monica, 16, from Laredo, Tx.:
I think im really close of finding out if my ex boyfriend still has feelings for me. But at the same time i have no idea..i did get a boyfriend but i broke up with him for my ex (i know stupid move) i also ended up telling him that i still loved him and that i hadnt forgotten him. He told me "haha!! you better not forget me!!!!!! IM SOOOO..SORRY FOR THE WAY I WAS TO YOU!!" and im like ok? then i told him are you sure what you mean? hes like FUCK YEA!!!! and then i told him do you still love me? and he said "I HAVE THIS FEELING FOR YOU BUT I DONT KNOW IF YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY?" and of course i told him i still did that i never stopped loving him. But in a way i think he is lying to me..:( what should i do? please help me :'(
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he's lying, maybe not. But in any case, you should trust your instincts -- they seldom let you down.
But even if you want to give this relationship another try, why not? You broke up once before, you can always do it again.
Have I read too much into his attention to me?
Submitted on Wednesday, May 28, 2008
By lynn, 17, from Texas:
I'm pretty good friends with a guy I'm crushing on. We text everyday, talk everyday, see each other in class. I often catch him looking at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. We sometimes exchange those knowing "flirty" glances across the room. He asked me to prom & it was unforgettable - a really great night! Seriously. He told me I was the best date he could have ever taken to prom! Cool, right? It seemed to me and everyone who saw us that night that we a real connection.
One month later, we're still doing the same thing, but NOTHING has changed! When I very casually mention doing something together, he shuts down...big sign he's not into me, right? BUT, he still acts like he's into me in all the other ways. Still texting, talking, watching me...
Today, I just found out he's known all along I've been crushing on him - before he asked me to prom. People are now asking what's going on with us...NOTHING as far as i know.
I guess I want to know if he likes me or have I read too much into his attention to me? I mean, if he's known the whole time i like him, wouldn't he just blow me off if he didn't like me back? are we working our way towards something? is this going nowhere? i could write a book about all the stuff that has gone on between us. I'm just so confused and sometimes hopeless. Should I remain hopeful or just resign myself to being good friends with him?
VictorM's advice:
"if he's known the whole time i like him, wouldn't he just blow me off if he didn't like me back?" No. Even if he didn't like you, knowing that you like him makes him crave your attention (it feeds his ego), so it would be totally natural for him to do what he's doing.
There's also a very good chance that he likes you, however, guys, specially around your age, find it hard to settle on one girl because there are so many around... so while they make like one girl (or two, or five, or twenty), becoming steady with one would in essence rule out all the others. Sounds like your guy is still too much interested in girls to settle for one girl. But make no mistake about it, he does like you. He's just not ready to write off the others.
That he knows you like him just makes it worse for you. That's because since he knows you like him, he doesn't have to work for your attention -- he likes getting it but he doesn't have to work for it. He's taking for granted that he could have you anytime he wants to, but guys really like challenges, so he figures he can try to work on other girls who may be more difficult to get.
So what to do? Stop paying him attention. Hint that you're loosing interest in him. Stay friendly but not too close. I'll bet he'll start chasing you. Don't hold your breath about being his girlfriend but if you stand a chance, it's by making him work for your attention.
By lynn, 17, from Texas:
I'm pretty good friends with a guy I'm crushing on. We text everyday, talk everyday, see each other in class. I often catch him looking at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. We sometimes exchange those knowing "flirty" glances across the room. He asked me to prom & it was unforgettable - a really great night! Seriously. He told me I was the best date he could have ever taken to prom! Cool, right? It seemed to me and everyone who saw us that night that we a real connection.
One month later, we're still doing the same thing, but NOTHING has changed! When I very casually mention doing something together, he shuts down...big sign he's not into me, right? BUT, he still acts like he's into me in all the other ways. Still texting, talking, watching me...
Today, I just found out he's known all along I've been crushing on him - before he asked me to prom. People are now asking what's going on with us...NOTHING as far as i know.
I guess I want to know if he likes me or have I read too much into his attention to me? I mean, if he's known the whole time i like him, wouldn't he just blow me off if he didn't like me back? are we working our way towards something? is this going nowhere? i could write a book about all the stuff that has gone on between us. I'm just so confused and sometimes hopeless. Should I remain hopeful or just resign myself to being good friends with him?
VictorM's advice:
"if he's known the whole time i like him, wouldn't he just blow me off if he didn't like me back?" No. Even if he didn't like you, knowing that you like him makes him crave your attention (it feeds his ego), so it would be totally natural for him to do what he's doing.
There's also a very good chance that he likes you, however, guys, specially around your age, find it hard to settle on one girl because there are so many around... so while they make like one girl (or two, or five, or twenty), becoming steady with one would in essence rule out all the others. Sounds like your guy is still too much interested in girls to settle for one girl. But make no mistake about it, he does like you. He's just not ready to write off the others.
That he knows you like him just makes it worse for you. That's because since he knows you like him, he doesn't have to work for your attention -- he likes getting it but he doesn't have to work for it. He's taking for granted that he could have you anytime he wants to, but guys really like challenges, so he figures he can try to work on other girls who may be more difficult to get.
So what to do? Stop paying him attention. Hint that you're loosing interest in him. Stay friendly but not too close. I'll bet he'll start chasing you. Don't hold your breath about being his girlfriend but if you stand a chance, it's by making him work for your attention.
I like this guy
Submitted on Wednesday, May 28, 2008
By Wendy, 38, from Virginia:
I like this guy. I've talked to him for about 2 years as a casual aquaintance. I had a friend hint that he had a secret admirer. He was dying to know who. I text messaged him with various clues . He never put 2 and 2 together (hot but dumb as a rock) so i finally got up enough nerve to call him . I told him who i was and why i called. He had asked the friend was the secret admirer pretty. I asked him on the phone was i pretty. That i didnt know the answer to that , that's in the eye of the beholder. He said yes . He said we could hook up the next week . I seen him Monday and it was "Good Morning , Good Morning" He never called . I ended up calling Tuesday afternoon after seeing him twice that day with just casual conversation. He was nice and wanted to know the wheres and whens . I gave him the wheres and whens. Then he said no , thats why he hadnt called. He was in a "good place" and didnt want to ruin it . I told him that i was big enough for my wants not to hurt me. I see him at this store pretty regularly and he still eyes me and talks the talk. I just do "get" the 180 . This is the first time in my life that i approached a guy and i am bummed . I would attach a picture so you can see that im pretty normal , not fat or scary. I want to know what the hell happened. Oh , he has the repution of being "STUDLY" . All i know is that he is the hottest thing i have ever laid my eyes on in this Virginia hick area. lol
By Wendy, 38, from Virginia:
I like this guy. I've talked to him for about 2 years as a casual aquaintance. I had a friend hint that he had a secret admirer. He was dying to know who. I text messaged him with various clues . He never put 2 and 2 together (hot but dumb as a rock) so i finally got up enough nerve to call him . I told him who i was and why i called. He had asked the friend was the secret admirer pretty. I asked him on the phone was i pretty. That i didnt know the answer to that , that's in the eye of the beholder. He said yes . He said we could hook up the next week . I seen him Monday and it was "Good Morning , Good Morning" He never called . I ended up calling Tuesday afternoon after seeing him twice that day with just casual conversation. He was nice and wanted to know the wheres and whens . I gave him the wheres and whens. Then he said no , thats why he hadnt called. He was in a "good place" and didnt want to ruin it . I told him that i was big enough for my wants not to hurt me. I see him at this store pretty regularly and he still eyes me and talks the talk. I just do "get" the 180 . This is the first time in my life that i approached a guy and i am bummed . I would attach a picture so you can see that im pretty normal , not fat or scary. I want to know what the hell happened. Oh , he has the repution of being "STUDLY" . All i know is that he is the hottest thing i have ever laid my eyes on in this Virginia hick area. lol
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Not that I would turn down pictures from a pretty woman (specially if she's from a hick place and dresses like Daisy Dukes) but seeing them is not necessary to answer your question. Bottom line: being pretty isn't enough. Sure, beauty gets you in the door most of the times, but once inside, different guys are looking for different things, and looks simply aren't enough.
You say he didn't get your secret admirer clues, but it seems to me you're not getting his clues either. And basically, he's saying he's not interested in you. Why the run around? Because he doesn't want to be rude to you. It's not easy for a guy to tell a girl that she doesn't do it for him. Besides, even if he's not interested in you, his ego loves that you want him. There's a good chance he likes that kind of attention from you but he has been very clear about his lack of interest in you.
VictorM's advice:
Not that I would turn down pictures from a pretty woman (specially if she's from a hick place and dresses like Daisy Dukes) but seeing them is not necessary to answer your question. Bottom line: being pretty isn't enough. Sure, beauty gets you in the door most of the times, but once inside, different guys are looking for different things, and looks simply aren't enough.
You say he didn't get your secret admirer clues, but it seems to me you're not getting his clues either. And basically, he's saying he's not interested in you. Why the run around? Because he doesn't want to be rude to you. It's not easy for a guy to tell a girl that she doesn't do it for him. Besides, even if he's not interested in you, his ego loves that you want him. There's a good chance he likes that kind of attention from you but he has been very clear about his lack of interest in you.
I'm so afraid to actually DIVE in
Submitted on Wednesday, May 28, 2008
By Alana, 20, from Boston, MA:
I'm 20. He's 21. Yes..we've had sex. We tried working something MORE out, but some useless drama happened (I found out he had feelings for someone I thought he was over.....and I was the one responsible for helping him MEET her. Stupid me. I didn't like him at that time. I was "Seeing" someone who was playing with my head while THIS guy was comforting me.) After our big argument over that situation, we agreed that we'd be JUST FRIENDS, nothing MORE than that. But RECENTLY, this has been happening even AFTER we talked things out: This guy holds me in front of his friends. He cuddles with me a lot...looks at me all the time...(sometimes we just STARE at eachother.) He likes to wrestle with me, tease me, call me weird names....He tells me about his life, what he wants to do in the future, what he likes, what he doesn't.. just all this personal stuff, and I can do the same with him as well. He even LETS ME go THROUGH his stuff, like his drawers and all that. Recently, when another guy asked him "Can you hook me up with her?" HE said, "No..she's mine" ... (then the guy asked him if he could hook up with one of my girlfriends who is TAKEN, he told the guy, "No...she's John's") You know, when I woke up one morning... I felt his arms around me..so I turned my head and I saw his face sleeping. This is the FIRST time I have woken up to him. He woke up after an alarm went off, got up from the bed...and then went back, put his arms back around me, and fell asleep. I have realized I truly have feelings for this man! But I'm still wondering what the hell is going on because I think he still wants the other person that I hooked him up with before. Before we had sex RECENTLY though, I reminded him that we agreed NOT to do it anymore... He asked "why", and I admitted to him that i DO genuinely like him despite what happened...he gave me a weird look and asked, "what's wrong with that?" And all of a sudden, I noticed that during sex, he comes FASTER than usual..even when I'm not, or he's not, EVEN trying! what the hell is going on!?? He even kisses me softer after that....It really seems like we are together, I swear. He gets jealous of other guys and checks up on me from time to time... I really do have feelings for this guy... but I'm so afraid to actually DIVE in and help make it official... I don't want to end up walkin around in circles and getting hurt.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt I think you should become a nun and check into a convent somewhere, because otherwise, whether it's this guy or any other guy, there's always the risk you'll get hurt. No one guy has a "Guaranteed not to hurt" tag attached to his hairy butt.
Clearly this guy is into you and you into him, so DIVE!
Could he still have feelings for the other girl? So what? People do get over other people, sometimes it takes more time than others but often these are just crushes that have no sustaining power, and sometimes, it just takes falling in love with someone else.
The last reason I'll mention is that if you don't give this guy a chance you'll always wonder. And that could last a lifetime. If you do give him a chance and it fails, the disappointment will only last for a while.
So DIVE Alana, DIVE!
By Alana, 20, from Boston, MA:
I'm 20. He's 21. Yes..we've had sex. We tried working something MORE out, but some useless drama happened (I found out he had feelings for someone I thought he was over.....and I was the one responsible for helping him MEET her. Stupid me. I didn't like him at that time. I was "Seeing" someone who was playing with my head while THIS guy was comforting me.) After our big argument over that situation, we agreed that we'd be JUST FRIENDS, nothing MORE than that. But RECENTLY, this has been happening even AFTER we talked things out: This guy holds me in front of his friends. He cuddles with me a lot...looks at me all the time...(sometimes we just STARE at eachother.) He likes to wrestle with me, tease me, call me weird names....He tells me about his life, what he wants to do in the future, what he likes, what he doesn't.. just all this personal stuff, and I can do the same with him as well. He even LETS ME go THROUGH his stuff, like his drawers and all that. Recently, when another guy asked him "Can you hook me up with her?" HE said, "No..she's mine" ... (then the guy asked him if he could hook up with one of my girlfriends who is TAKEN, he told the guy, "No...she's John's") You know, when I woke up one morning... I felt his arms around me..so I turned my head and I saw his face sleeping. This is the FIRST time I have woken up to him. He woke up after an alarm went off, got up from the bed...and then went back, put his arms back around me, and fell asleep. I have realized I truly have feelings for this man! But I'm still wondering what the hell is going on because I think he still wants the other person that I hooked him up with before. Before we had sex RECENTLY though, I reminded him that we agreed NOT to do it anymore... He asked "why", and I admitted to him that i DO genuinely like him despite what happened...he gave me a weird look and asked, "what's wrong with that?" And all of a sudden, I noticed that during sex, he comes FASTER than usual..even when I'm not, or he's not, EVEN trying! what the hell is going on!?? He even kisses me softer after that....It really seems like we are together, I swear. He gets jealous of other guys and checks up on me from time to time... I really do have feelings for this guy... but I'm so afraid to actually DIVE in and help make it official... I don't want to end up walkin around in circles and getting hurt.
What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt I think you should become a nun and check into a convent somewhere, because otherwise, whether it's this guy or any other guy, there's always the risk you'll get hurt. No one guy has a "Guaranteed not to hurt" tag attached to his hairy butt.
Clearly this guy is into you and you into him, so DIVE!
Could he still have feelings for the other girl? So what? People do get over other people, sometimes it takes more time than others but often these are just crushes that have no sustaining power, and sometimes, it just takes falling in love with someone else.
The last reason I'll mention is that if you don't give this guy a chance you'll always wonder. And that could last a lifetime. If you do give him a chance and it fails, the disappointment will only last for a while.
So DIVE Alana, DIVE!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I feel left out or something
Submitted on Tuesday, May 27, 2008
By Bree, 18, from Califonia:
Me and my boyfrind have been going out for a while now, and everything was fine at first, the only thing that was a problem is that we only saw each other on the weekends because he works/goes to school and plus he lives an hour away. Well now were both out of school and he promised we would hang out more, but it seems like we've been seeing each other less. We talk on the phone for a few minutes, then he tells me he has to go do something so he'll call me back, then he doesnt for like 5 hours, (not exaggerating). Then he alays tells me hes going to come over but he doesnt. No call or nothing, im just waiting at my house for him, then about three hours later her calls me and tells me he got busy. I feel left out or something. Like he's too busy for me. I miss him all the time and i dont know what to do anymore. Im starting to feel like i should let him go since he's so busy but me tells me he loves me. I feel like if this goes on any longer i wont be able to deal with it and ill get tired/bored of him. Im afraid to talk to him about it because i dont want him to think that im being selfish. What should i do?
VictorM's advice:
I love you Bree, I really do. I love you to death.
See how easy it was for me to say those words? And I don't even know you. Forget his words. He's taking you for granted and he shows no desire to be with you. Even worse, he's inconsiderate with you. What does he need to do for you to realize where you rate?
You can call it being selfish, I call it demanding respect. Calling you three hours after he was supposed to meet you and he didn't call? Hello! If you don't put your foot down and make your feelings clear, shame on you.
By Bree, 18, from Califonia:
Me and my boyfrind have been going out for a while now, and everything was fine at first, the only thing that was a problem is that we only saw each other on the weekends because he works/goes to school and plus he lives an hour away. Well now were both out of school and he promised we would hang out more, but it seems like we've been seeing each other less. We talk on the phone for a few minutes, then he tells me he has to go do something so he'll call me back, then he doesnt for like 5 hours, (not exaggerating). Then he alays tells me hes going to come over but he doesnt. No call or nothing, im just waiting at my house for him, then about three hours later her calls me and tells me he got busy. I feel left out or something. Like he's too busy for me. I miss him all the time and i dont know what to do anymore. Im starting to feel like i should let him go since he's so busy but me tells me he loves me. I feel like if this goes on any longer i wont be able to deal with it and ill get tired/bored of him. Im afraid to talk to him about it because i dont want him to think that im being selfish. What should i do?
VictorM's advice:
I love you Bree, I really do. I love you to death.
See how easy it was for me to say those words? And I don't even know you. Forget his words. He's taking you for granted and he shows no desire to be with you. Even worse, he's inconsiderate with you. What does he need to do for you to realize where you rate?
You can call it being selfish, I call it demanding respect. Calling you three hours after he was supposed to meet you and he didn't call? Hello! If you don't put your foot down and make your feelings clear, shame on you.
He grabs me as a joke
Submitted on Tuesday, May 27, 2008
By Sydney, 13, from los alamitos:
ok. so theres this guy that i like. i am in core class with him at my school and me and my friend like him. I can't decide if he likes me, my friend, or someone else. you see he says i love you but i think it's in a joke way. he grabs me as a joke. and asked me if i were to go out with my ex or him. or things like would you rather make out with your ex or me. and i really like him and he always asks me if i like him and everything. i not sure if i am just a friend to him or does he like me.
VictorM's advice:
He likes you like Texans like their HEB Plus stores or Californians like In and Out Burgers. But... he's a horny little toad (what you say is grabbing as a joke is really called copping a feel) and chances are that he likes you, your friend, and many others. He's like a dog in the park -- he's not happy sniffing just one butt.
But yeah, he likes you.
By Sydney, 13, from los alamitos:
ok. so theres this guy that i like. i am in core class with him at my school and me and my friend like him. I can't decide if he likes me, my friend, or someone else. you see he says i love you but i think it's in a joke way. he grabs me as a joke. and asked me if i were to go out with my ex or him. or things like would you rather make out with your ex or me. and i really like him and he always asks me if i like him and everything. i not sure if i am just a friend to him or does he like me.
VictorM's advice:
He likes you like Texans like their HEB Plus stores or Californians like In and Out Burgers. But... he's a horny little toad (what you say is grabbing as a joke is really called copping a feel) and chances are that he likes you, your friend, and many others. He's like a dog in the park -- he's not happy sniffing just one butt.
But yeah, he likes you.
I'm doing the over-analyzing girl thing
Submitted on Tuesday, May 27, 2008
By Elizabeth, 29, from Detroit:
Ok... I'm writing here because I'm doing the over-analyzing girl thing and I just need advice and backup from people in order to do the right thing for myself.
Met a guy recently who I was intensely attracted to after dating someone for a year whom with there was no passion, at least not for me. Saw this new man at a couple of events. He mentioned that he specifically came to one because he hoped to see me there. This was only two weeks ago and we've gone out twice since then.
There's major chemistry. He's said he feels it and I feel it. Problem is, he says he'll call me within a specific time frame and then ends up calling me a day later to ask me out. He's done this three times. He does call me, but it's a half day later than he says he will. He's called me a couple other times just to chat and catch up. He asks me lots of personal questions, tells me personal things about his life, tells me I'm beautiful, tells me he's been fantasizing about me. We haven't slept together but we have been intimate without sex. During that time together he is very focused on me... if you know what I mean. Maybe that's his thing though.
Yesterday he called me early in the day (he had said he'd call me the night before), but I was busy so I said I'd call him back later that afternoon. I did and of course he didn't answer his phone. And didn't call me back for the rest of the evening.
So my questions is why does he keep calling me and getting "personal" with me and acting super interested when we do hang out, but sending me these mixed messages by not calling when he says he will? Is he 1. just flaky and bad about calling in general 2. doesn't want to move too fast (which is fine with me, but do what you say you will!) 3. wants a fuck buddy or 4. is truly just not that into me? He also just lost his job so he's dealing with that issue.
I am trying to tell myself that it's #4 so I can stop obsessing. I am obviously VERY into this guy, but I know that I should not waste my time or emotions on someone who isn't all about me.
I suppose I can just wait and see what he does at this point. I know he'll call eventually. Should I not return his call and be unavailable and play that game? I know better than to call him again (even though I have only ever returned his calls, never initiated!)
Thanks in advance for listening. :)
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT play the game. That's not going to help anything.
His calling back habits have nothing to do with you, or with his feelings towards you. They are a personal characteristic of his habits and nothing more. Now, I don't know what his true intentions are towards you, but from everything you said, he seems into you.
But do not overlook what his calling habits may tell you about him. The first thing you should do is tell him how you feel about that habit. Don't do it in an accusatory tone of voice. Simply state why you don't like it, how it makes you feel when he doesn't call, and yes, you have every right to ask him to please call you when he says he will because otherwise it's a show of disrespect (if indeed you feel this way).
The great lesson you need to pay attention to is how he reacts to this information. If he says you're making a big deal out of nothing, if he denies he's that late, if he walks away from you because of it... this lets you know that you've placed your interest on a man that will make no effort to make you happy. And the sooner you learn that, the better. On the other hand, if he listens to you and promises to remedy the situation, you've not only fixed the problem with maturity but you've learned something very cool about this guy.
By Elizabeth, 29, from Detroit:
Ok... I'm writing here because I'm doing the over-analyzing girl thing and I just need advice and backup from people in order to do the right thing for myself.
Met a guy recently who I was intensely attracted to after dating someone for a year whom with there was no passion, at least not for me. Saw this new man at a couple of events. He mentioned that he specifically came to one because he hoped to see me there. This was only two weeks ago and we've gone out twice since then.
There's major chemistry. He's said he feels it and I feel it. Problem is, he says he'll call me within a specific time frame and then ends up calling me a day later to ask me out. He's done this three times. He does call me, but it's a half day later than he says he will. He's called me a couple other times just to chat and catch up. He asks me lots of personal questions, tells me personal things about his life, tells me I'm beautiful, tells me he's been fantasizing about me. We haven't slept together but we have been intimate without sex. During that time together he is very focused on me... if you know what I mean. Maybe that's his thing though.
Yesterday he called me early in the day (he had said he'd call me the night before), but I was busy so I said I'd call him back later that afternoon. I did and of course he didn't answer his phone. And didn't call me back for the rest of the evening.
So my questions is why does he keep calling me and getting "personal" with me and acting super interested when we do hang out, but sending me these mixed messages by not calling when he says he will? Is he 1. just flaky and bad about calling in general 2. doesn't want to move too fast (which is fine with me, but do what you say you will!) 3. wants a fuck buddy or 4. is truly just not that into me? He also just lost his job so he's dealing with that issue.
I am trying to tell myself that it's #4 so I can stop obsessing. I am obviously VERY into this guy, but I know that I should not waste my time or emotions on someone who isn't all about me.
I suppose I can just wait and see what he does at this point. I know he'll call eventually. Should I not return his call and be unavailable and play that game? I know better than to call him again (even though I have only ever returned his calls, never initiated!)
Thanks in advance for listening. :)
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT play the game. That's not going to help anything.
His calling back habits have nothing to do with you, or with his feelings towards you. They are a personal characteristic of his habits and nothing more. Now, I don't know what his true intentions are towards you, but from everything you said, he seems into you.
But do not overlook what his calling habits may tell you about him. The first thing you should do is tell him how you feel about that habit. Don't do it in an accusatory tone of voice. Simply state why you don't like it, how it makes you feel when he doesn't call, and yes, you have every right to ask him to please call you when he says he will because otherwise it's a show of disrespect (if indeed you feel this way).
The great lesson you need to pay attention to is how he reacts to this information. If he says you're making a big deal out of nothing, if he denies he's that late, if he walks away from you because of it... this lets you know that you've placed your interest on a man that will make no effort to make you happy. And the sooner you learn that, the better. On the other hand, if he listens to you and promises to remedy the situation, you've not only fixed the problem with maturity but you've learned something very cool about this guy.
he is very caring and nice and fun to be around
Submitted on Tuesday, May 27, 2008
By noelle, 20, from amsterdam:
By noelle, 20, from amsterdam:
Ok I am little confused about this guy that I like for a while. We go to church together, he is very caring and nice and fun to be around with. Lost time when I went to church I was talking to my friend he came up and put his arm on my back and said "hi sunshine". He always teases me for fun and every time I am next to him he stands very close to me. Sometimes he leaves his hand an my back for a while. He also always says that I am amazing to everyone. Please help me!!!
Thank you for reading.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure what you're asking. If you're wondering if he likes you, the answer is, yes, he likes you, but that doesn't mean he wants anything more than to enjoy your company (and your back) for a while. Guys can be flirts with lots of girls at once and they don't have to really like them a lot to flirt.
So... you're going to have to wait for more signs.
Thank you for reading.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure what you're asking. If you're wondering if he likes you, the answer is, yes, he likes you, but that doesn't mean he wants anything more than to enjoy your company (and your back) for a while. Guys can be flirts with lots of girls at once and they don't have to really like them a lot to flirt.
So... you're going to have to wait for more signs.
A pattern that I have noticed with guys
Submitted on Monday, May 26, 2008
By Lia, 27, from Texas:
This is a pattern that I have noticed with guys and I wondered what an outsiders un-biased opinion would be about it...There are 2 or 3 guys that I date very casually...not exclusively or anything...just seeing where things go and having fun with it. With all three of these guys, I have experienced the following...They will call/message or text me asking to hang out...Generally it's phrased as "So when do I get to see you again?" or something similar. This implies some level an interest in me, otherwise why would you ask to see me, right? But the thing is...if I say "I'm busy this weekend, how about the FOLLOWING weekend..." (i do have a life outside of them, after all!)...they almost always (all 3 of them and other guys I have dated in the past as well)...say "Ok...let's talk about it as that time nears closer then..." WHY do guys refuse to plan more than a few days in advance???...now one of my guesses is that...perhaps like myself they are also dating others casually. But still...it seems slightly offensive to pose the interest then back off slightly if I am not IMMEDIATELY available for them...they do usually get back to me, but still...I am often left with the negative feeling that perhaps they think something better is going to arise in the meantime...so that waiting a week isn't worth their time...well, and that just feels crummy...LOL. What do you make of it?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're right that they too may be casually dating and their lives don't revolve around you, and that they could be open to the possibility that something better is going to come along.
I would also include that one possibility is that guys don't like to seem desperate. Locking in a date so far in advance would signal that they have no other options. Some guys see that as a sign of weakness.
Lastly, don't discount that you are attracted to guys who share similar personality traits. That is, your guys aren't representative of all males, only of those that you attract. What I'm saying is that they are a reflection of your own flawed dating selection abilities.
How do you like them apples, huh? :)
By Lia, 27, from Texas:
This is a pattern that I have noticed with guys and I wondered what an outsiders un-biased opinion would be about it...There are 2 or 3 guys that I date very casually...not exclusively or anything...just seeing where things go and having fun with it. With all three of these guys, I have experienced the following...They will call/message or text me asking to hang out...Generally it's phrased as "So when do I get to see you again?" or something similar. This implies some level an interest in me, otherwise why would you ask to see me, right? But the thing is...if I say "I'm busy this weekend, how about the FOLLOWING weekend..." (i do have a life outside of them, after all!)...they almost always (all 3 of them and other guys I have dated in the past as well)...say "Ok...let's talk about it as that time nears closer then..." WHY do guys refuse to plan more than a few days in advance???...now one of my guesses is that...perhaps like myself they are also dating others casually. But still...it seems slightly offensive to pose the interest then back off slightly if I am not IMMEDIATELY available for them...they do usually get back to me, but still...I am often left with the negative feeling that perhaps they think something better is going to arise in the meantime...so that waiting a week isn't worth their time...well, and that just feels crummy...LOL. What do you make of it?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're right that they too may be casually dating and their lives don't revolve around you, and that they could be open to the possibility that something better is going to come along.
I would also include that one possibility is that guys don't like to seem desperate. Locking in a date so far in advance would signal that they have no other options. Some guys see that as a sign of weakness.
Lastly, don't discount that you are attracted to guys who share similar personality traits. That is, your guys aren't representative of all males, only of those that you attract. What I'm saying is that they are a reflection of your own flawed dating selection abilities.
How do you like them apples, huh? :)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I've decided to leave my wife
Submitted on Sunday, May 25, 2008
By jojo, 51, from Tennessee:
After 28 rollercoaster years I've decided to leave my wife. It's been tough the last few weeks letting her know how I feel. She is not in the same place I am. I want to hurt her as little as possible so I've tried to let her down slowly.......it's been tough. I've also tried thinking outside of the box, interesting stuff, but nothing has got me out of the house, even though we are not sleeping together. Help me out with some ideas on how to make it happen. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Letting her down slow is only fueling her sense of hope. I know you mean well, but it's not helping. If you are determined about moving on, move on. The sooner she accepts this as a reality, the sooner she can face her new situation. As it is now, you're both just prolonging the agony without fixing anything.
If you can afford your own place, or if you have a place to go, and you are sure this is what you want, pack your bags today and go. The sooner you do this, the better for both of you. At your ages (I'm assuming she's around your age), you can still have wonderful lives on your own or with new partners. Don't wait till all the ducks are lined up -- they never will!
But don't think life away from your wife is going to be a piece of cake. What happens is humans who live together for a while -- and 28 years is a huge amount of time -- become addicted to each other -- their smell, their touch, the sound of their voice, etc. Your body will suffer similar withdrawals that drug addicts do. Be prepared for that.
I don't give this advice lightly. I have been there. I wasn't married that long but still, very similar emotions were at play. Get friends, talk to people, see a professional counselor (I did and it was the best thing I've ever done), take your time finding your passion. And, last but not least, take the advice from the grandfather in Little Miss Sunshine: "Fuck a lot of woman!" (Metaphorically, I'm just saying don't get too eager to settle down with anyone. Learn to enjoy yourself before you look for a serious partner).
And get used to beating away younger women; they can't get enough of us "distinguished" gentlemen. ;)
Seriously, I wish you the best of luck. Just don't waste your time.
By jojo, 51, from Tennessee:
After 28 rollercoaster years I've decided to leave my wife. It's been tough the last few weeks letting her know how I feel. She is not in the same place I am. I want to hurt her as little as possible so I've tried to let her down slowly.......it's been tough. I've also tried thinking outside of the box, interesting stuff, but nothing has got me out of the house, even though we are not sleeping together. Help me out with some ideas on how to make it happen. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Letting her down slow is only fueling her sense of hope. I know you mean well, but it's not helping. If you are determined about moving on, move on. The sooner she accepts this as a reality, the sooner she can face her new situation. As it is now, you're both just prolonging the agony without fixing anything.
If you can afford your own place, or if you have a place to go, and you are sure this is what you want, pack your bags today and go. The sooner you do this, the better for both of you. At your ages (I'm assuming she's around your age), you can still have wonderful lives on your own or with new partners. Don't wait till all the ducks are lined up -- they never will!
But don't think life away from your wife is going to be a piece of cake. What happens is humans who live together for a while -- and 28 years is a huge amount of time -- become addicted to each other -- their smell, their touch, the sound of their voice, etc. Your body will suffer similar withdrawals that drug addicts do. Be prepared for that.
I don't give this advice lightly. I have been there. I wasn't married that long but still, very similar emotions were at play. Get friends, talk to people, see a professional counselor (I did and it was the best thing I've ever done), take your time finding your passion. And, last but not least, take the advice from the grandfather in Little Miss Sunshine: "Fuck a lot of woman!" (Metaphorically, I'm just saying don't get too eager to settle down with anyone. Learn to enjoy yourself before you look for a serious partner).
And get used to beating away younger women; they can't get enough of us "distinguished" gentlemen. ;)
Seriously, I wish you the best of luck. Just don't waste your time.
I really feel like we have the deepest connection
Submitted on Sunday, May 25, 2008
By galicat, 30, from australia:
HI, thanks for any advice in advance. my problem is with my ex partner who still says he loves me & that i mean world to him and he doesn't want anyone else but broke up with me but he broke up with me?!
He's been my partner for over 4 years and we have just undergone a very difficult separation (splitting house and some ugly scenes). this happened after he threatened me financially and said he didn't want a relationship any more (he had been under a lot of work stress but also got very angry and intimidating). anyway, we are separated now but he keeps contacting me, saying he misses me and is so sad and lonely. i saw him in the weekend and he broke down. he keeps telling me he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. i spent the day with him yesterday because he said he wanted to talk - i mistakenly thought this meant he had finally woken up to himself. he was all over me and the deep love and feeling we have for each other is always there. i was gutted when he said he still can't be with me. that he gets too mad and he's not ready to settle down (the real reason we broke up i suspect). i said he never fully committed to me and the relationship and it never had a chance under those circumstances so unfair of him to pick holes in what went wrong etc because when it comes down to it he just wants his cake and to eat it too and is scapegoating and not taking responsibility for that fact.
I'm 30 and he is 26 so i have to accept he might not be at the settle down stage however he was the one who pursued me and continues to be in my life and not let me go. i really feel like we have the deepest connection. he is my family and my best friend and i have always been there for him and i know what i feel for him is reciprocated however he is also idealistic and selfish.
how to i deal with this? i keep getting hurt and love him sooo much. i just wish he could wake up to himself and what we have and take responibility before it is too late and i move on or he hurts me too much. how to i deal with this situation? we live in a small town so avoidance is impossible and he just text now to say he has to come over and use the fax machine so i just cant get away from him - this is killing and confusing me. what is his game?
VictorM's advice:
"i really feel like we have the deepest connection"
Dear spaghetti factory in the sky, where do you women go to come up with crap like that? Come on! The guy broke up with you, you had a messy separation, he threatened you financially, and is clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you. YOU HAVE NO DEEP CONNECTION!
"i mistakenly thought this meant he had finally woken up to himself"
But he did wake up! That's why he broke up with you. Can't you see that this guy is sick being around you? He never fully committed to a relationship because he can't stand the relationship. Breaking up with you was an act of strength. Coming back to you feeling bad is simply an act of weakness. He really doesn't want to be with you, but he will have moments where his willpower will fail.
Get this in your head: him coming back to you from time to time is part of the process of getting away from you. If you think he's conflicted about the breakup, you'd be wrong. You're like that one cigarette that someone who is trying to quit succumbs to in a moment of weakness.
All the confessions of love for you are simply ways of him dealing with the guilt he feels for not being in love with you.
By galicat, 30, from australia:
HI, thanks for any advice in advance. my problem is with my ex partner who still says he loves me & that i mean world to him and he doesn't want anyone else but broke up with me but he broke up with me?!
He's been my partner for over 4 years and we have just undergone a very difficult separation (splitting house and some ugly scenes). this happened after he threatened me financially and said he didn't want a relationship any more (he had been under a lot of work stress but also got very angry and intimidating). anyway, we are separated now but he keeps contacting me, saying he misses me and is so sad and lonely. i saw him in the weekend and he broke down. he keeps telling me he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. i spent the day with him yesterday because he said he wanted to talk - i mistakenly thought this meant he had finally woken up to himself. he was all over me and the deep love and feeling we have for each other is always there. i was gutted when he said he still can't be with me. that he gets too mad and he's not ready to settle down (the real reason we broke up i suspect). i said he never fully committed to me and the relationship and it never had a chance under those circumstances so unfair of him to pick holes in what went wrong etc because when it comes down to it he just wants his cake and to eat it too and is scapegoating and not taking responsibility for that fact.
I'm 30 and he is 26 so i have to accept he might not be at the settle down stage however he was the one who pursued me and continues to be in my life and not let me go. i really feel like we have the deepest connection. he is my family and my best friend and i have always been there for him and i know what i feel for him is reciprocated however he is also idealistic and selfish.
how to i deal with this? i keep getting hurt and love him sooo much. i just wish he could wake up to himself and what we have and take responibility before it is too late and i move on or he hurts me too much. how to i deal with this situation? we live in a small town so avoidance is impossible and he just text now to say he has to come over and use the fax machine so i just cant get away from him - this is killing and confusing me. what is his game?
VictorM's advice:
"i really feel like we have the deepest connection"
Dear spaghetti factory in the sky, where do you women go to come up with crap like that? Come on! The guy broke up with you, you had a messy separation, he threatened you financially, and is clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you. YOU HAVE NO DEEP CONNECTION!
"i mistakenly thought this meant he had finally woken up to himself"
But he did wake up! That's why he broke up with you. Can't you see that this guy is sick being around you? He never fully committed to a relationship because he can't stand the relationship. Breaking up with you was an act of strength. Coming back to you feeling bad is simply an act of weakness. He really doesn't want to be with you, but he will have moments where his willpower will fail.
Get this in your head: him coming back to you from time to time is part of the process of getting away from you. If you think he's conflicted about the breakup, you'd be wrong. You're like that one cigarette that someone who is trying to quit succumbs to in a moment of weakness.
All the confessions of love for you are simply ways of him dealing with the guilt he feels for not being in love with you.
I recently saw an ex boyfriend
Submitted on Sunday, May 25, 2008
By Marie, 17, UK:
I recently saw an ex boyfriend. I've never lost feelings for him and we both have kept in touch even if it is just an odd text or call. When we first broke up he tried really hard to get back with me although i was being stubborn eventually he moved on. I saw him this weekend as he rung me to tell me he was going to be in my area. We sat and chilled round at a friends place until he walked me home. On the walk back he began telling me how gorgeous he thought i was and saying that he still wants me, stopping every so often to kiss me. I know he still has a girlfriend, and began to get a little concerned about where it was going between us. I mentioned his girlfriend several times and he started telling me how we've always had a connection, and how he might not be with her for much longer as things aren't going right. However still worried that he might still be playing me or using me i brought up a few past relationships where he told me that he'd never treated me like that and he isn't going to start. Well things happened and I'm beginning to think it wasn't a wise thing to do as much as i still miss being with him. I sent him a text today, (not sure if that was being too kean or not?), just asking how he was and what he's up to. He text back which slightly surprised me but i still don't know what to do?. If he is playing me or not?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, he's playing you. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have a girlfriend when he tried to get you back and kiss you.
If you're somehow feeling all full yourself that he did because you think somehow it must be because you're better than her, think again. This has nothing to do with her or you; it's all about his ego. You looked good, he wanted some of you, and he would do/say whatever it would take to have you.
You ended it before. There must have beens reasons. Those reasons didn't go away even if your boobs or butt have gotten more appealing. And that, is what he saw in you.
By Marie, 17, UK:
I recently saw an ex boyfriend. I've never lost feelings for him and we both have kept in touch even if it is just an odd text or call. When we first broke up he tried really hard to get back with me although i was being stubborn eventually he moved on. I saw him this weekend as he rung me to tell me he was going to be in my area. We sat and chilled round at a friends place until he walked me home. On the walk back he began telling me how gorgeous he thought i was and saying that he still wants me, stopping every so often to kiss me. I know he still has a girlfriend, and began to get a little concerned about where it was going between us. I mentioned his girlfriend several times and he started telling me how we've always had a connection, and how he might not be with her for much longer as things aren't going right. However still worried that he might still be playing me or using me i brought up a few past relationships where he told me that he'd never treated me like that and he isn't going to start. Well things happened and I'm beginning to think it wasn't a wise thing to do as much as i still miss being with him. I sent him a text today, (not sure if that was being too kean or not?), just asking how he was and what he's up to. He text back which slightly surprised me but i still don't know what to do?. If he is playing me or not?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, he's playing you. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have a girlfriend when he tried to get you back and kiss you.
If you're somehow feeling all full yourself that he did because you think somehow it must be because you're better than her, think again. This has nothing to do with her or you; it's all about his ego. You looked good, he wanted some of you, and he would do/say whatever it would take to have you.
You ended it before. There must have beens reasons. Those reasons didn't go away even if your boobs or butt have gotten more appealing. And that, is what he saw in you.
He's constantly hanging around where I am at
Submitted on Sunday, May 25, 2008
By Daniela, 39, from Germany:
One of my supervisors seems to be flirting with me. He's constantly hanging around where I am at, talking to me, telling me I owe him one, if we see each other more than 3 times a day. Then he told me one day he's wearing a green shirt just so that we match. Anyhow - after he told me two days in a row that I owe him one, I took him up on it and invited him to my birthday party. Of course, he did not show, did not call - nothing. On the other hand I just can't believe that I misjudged him that much. Whenever he sees me somewhere, he waits and starts talking to me. He also seems to try to make some body contact - nothing spectacular, just walking closer than necessary etc. I know he is separated, he knows that I am divorced. What would you make out of it?
VictorM's advice:
Flirting with an attractive woman at work is a great way to make the day more enjoyable and make it go faster. But to assume that kind of attention reflects an interest outside of work is a big leap of faith, as you seem to have found out.
Guys like being around an attractive woman. They like how she looks, how she smells, and being close to one brings out their own sense of self-worth. They like her attention because it boosts their ego, particularly is she flirts back. But may be nothing more.
To him, you might just be a boredom breaker.
By Daniela, 39, from Germany:
One of my supervisors seems to be flirting with me. He's constantly hanging around where I am at, talking to me, telling me I owe him one, if we see each other more than 3 times a day. Then he told me one day he's wearing a green shirt just so that we match. Anyhow - after he told me two days in a row that I owe him one, I took him up on it and invited him to my birthday party. Of course, he did not show, did not call - nothing. On the other hand I just can't believe that I misjudged him that much. Whenever he sees me somewhere, he waits and starts talking to me. He also seems to try to make some body contact - nothing spectacular, just walking closer than necessary etc. I know he is separated, he knows that I am divorced. What would you make out of it?
VictorM's advice:
Flirting with an attractive woman at work is a great way to make the day more enjoyable and make it go faster. But to assume that kind of attention reflects an interest outside of work is a big leap of faith, as you seem to have found out.
Guys like being around an attractive woman. They like how she looks, how she smells, and being close to one brings out their own sense of self-worth. They like her attention because it boosts their ego, particularly is she flirts back. But may be nothing more.
To him, you might just be a boredom breaker.
Vaginal intercourse with a 60 year old man
Submitted on Saturday, May 24, 2008
By Hookah, 18, from Chicago:
I had vaginal intercourse with a 60 year old man. I think I might die. Any advice??
VictorM's advice:
I did have advice for you but by now I'm sure you're dead. So I won't waste my time.
By Hookah, 18, from Chicago:
I had vaginal intercourse with a 60 year old man. I think I might die. Any advice??
VictorM's advice:
I did have advice for you but by now I'm sure you're dead. So I won't waste my time.
I like guys...a lot
Submitted on Saturday, May 24, 2008
By Val, 17, from South-America:
I like guys...a lot. But when they ask me to be their girlfriend I just shut down because I'm scared even if I really like the guy. How do I deal with my fear?
VictorM's advice:
You don't have a fear. What you call fear is just common sense. You may like guys a lot, but none of them have been the right one for you. You will know it when Mr. Right shows up. Until then, just keeping saying no and take pleasure in breaking their poor little hearts. :) Believe me, you'll look back on these days with much fondness.
By Val, 17, from South-America:
I like guys...a lot. But when they ask me to be their girlfriend I just shut down because I'm scared even if I really like the guy. How do I deal with my fear?
VictorM's advice:
You don't have a fear. What you call fear is just common sense. You may like guys a lot, but none of them have been the right one for you. You will know it when Mr. Right shows up. Until then, just keeping saying no and take pleasure in breaking their poor little hearts. :) Believe me, you'll look back on these days with much fondness.
I met a guy on a blind date
Submitted on Saturday, May 24, 2008
By Jenny, 30, from Indiana:
Hi. I met a guy on a blind date, and we've been seeing each other pretty regularly for approximately 3 months. Most recently we have become intimate. We get along great, enjoy similar activities and are continually making future plans. I hate to be the stereotypical female, but I'm obviously beginning to wonder how he views our status; are we dating? are we formally in a relationship? etc... I know he he not presently seeing anyone else, but don't know where I stand with him. Suppose I'm simply curious when is it too soon to have "that discussion" without making a man feel uncomfortable? And what is the best approach to alleviate most tension, etc...?
VictorM's advice:
The best approach to alleviate tension? Humor.
"So, mister blind date guy, we've been seeing each other regularly for 6 months (I know, you said 3 but I bet he won't know the difference), wefuck like rabbits have been intimate, and I hear you've been shopping for wedding bands. Are you really that serious about us?" Well, hopefully you are a funnier person than I am and can do better on your own. But yeah, humor is the way.
But, seriously, three months going out, intimate... sounds like a reasonable question to ask. My guess is that in his mind you're his girlfriend, but doesn't hurt to confirm and formalize things.
By the way, guys only mind that question when they are with a girl they're not sure about. If they really like the girl, the question doesn't scare them away. So ask, and find out for sure where you stand.
By Jenny, 30, from Indiana:
Hi. I met a guy on a blind date, and we've been seeing each other pretty regularly for approximately 3 months. Most recently we have become intimate. We get along great, enjoy similar activities and are continually making future plans. I hate to be the stereotypical female, but I'm obviously beginning to wonder how he views our status; are we dating? are we formally in a relationship? etc... I know he he not presently seeing anyone else, but don't know where I stand with him. Suppose I'm simply curious when is it too soon to have "that discussion" without making a man feel uncomfortable? And what is the best approach to alleviate most tension, etc...?
VictorM's advice:
The best approach to alleviate tension? Humor.
"So, mister blind date guy, we've been seeing each other regularly for 6 months (I know, you said 3 but I bet he won't know the difference), we
But, seriously, three months going out, intimate... sounds like a reasonable question to ask. My guess is that in his mind you're his girlfriend, but doesn't hurt to confirm and formalize things.
By the way, guys only mind that question when they are with a girl they're not sure about. If they really like the girl, the question doesn't scare them away. So ask, and find out for sure where you stand.
He was my first love and I would do anything for him
Submitted on Friday, May 23, 2008
By Sarah, 20, from No Idea:
I dated a guy for 4 1/2 years. He was my first love and I would do anything for him. But suddenly in July 2007 he comes to me and says he's been depressed for a few months and it been getting worse and basically it's all my fault because I couldn't keep a job and past things keep coming to him. Ever the understanding one, I said ok, if he needed a break (because he asked for it after he told me that stuff) he could have it and I'd be there.
But as time went on I felt like I was going insane because one moment he'd be sweet and loving and caring again and then the next he'd be so distant and cold. Finally I couldn't put up with it anymore, it was tearing my heart up to deal with it, and decided to take my dad up on his offer to live with him. It would require moving to the other side of the country.
The guy never once asked me to stay so I left. While living with my dad I was in a very bad environment where everyone was telling me to find someone else, to date around while I was on a break. I felt like I should, people told me for years to stop dating him but he wasn't a bad guy, I just never told him what I felt he was doing wrong.
Because I was in this environment my brain won the argument and I tried finding someone else. Unfortunately it never happened. My guy, by then had started wanting me back, which confused me because he only started paying attention to me when I told him I'd had this cool guy friend who I talked anime with. It felt like he only wanted me back because he was jealous, so I was confused.
It took him a while but in a moment of weakness and loneliness I said ok, I wanted him back, but things didn't feel right. They kept feeling wrong and then when a guy came into my life who was interested in me and was close enough to visit me I let my guard down and hung out with him. I thought I had feelings for him but wasn't quite sure. I was trying to get things settled in my head when, on Valentine's Day, my guy called me and asked if I was seeing someone else. Someone had sent him an e-mail with links to things I'd said in confidentiality that made it look like I was cheating on him. He was distraught, of course. I told him I was sorry but I needed some time to think, that I needed the break this time.
After that he tried three times to get me back. By then I had moved in with the guy I was hanging out with, not because I liked him but because my family wasn't helping at all and I had to get out of such a negative environment.
Well my best friend let slip that I was living with the guy and so he got horribly upset. I understand why he did. He tried one last time (the third time) to get me back and I nearly caved, but I figured I needed to know how I really felt about him by seeing what it was like with a different guy.
I didn't know how to respond to his last attempt at getting me back and I was so caught up in going here and there and watching movies and playing games with this other guy that I lost track and time and had forgotten to respond. It had been a week or more without so much as an apology from me to him.
I thought I'd gotten over him because I never had time to think about him. The only thing I realized what that I didn't exactly love the guy I was with romantically. Then two nights in a row I had dreams with my guy in them. There was nothing romantic about them but seeing him again sparked something in me. I wanted him, I knew I really did love him.
I got up and found him online and started talking to him and telling him sorry for not responding sooner and how I did love him. But he replied with saying there was another girl. He had forgotten about me so soon.
When I realized I didn't love the guy I was living with I knew I couldn't string him along or live with him anymore so I moved back with my mother, who lives in the same place as my guy.
My guy is now dating this girl, he told me he'd actually been dating her a while before I told him I wanted him again.
I've expressed my feelings as much as I can to him and he says he still loves me and cares about me a lot, but he can't leave this girl, that he feels some loyalty to her because she was there for him. But he also says that she might leave this summer or they might break up and to me it sounds like he's hoping he doesn't have to be the one to break their relationship, that he wants me but is too nice and doesn't want to hurt the other girl.
Now all the sudden he's saying he loves this other girl too, and I find that hard to believe because he's only known her for about two months and he knew me for six before he expressed his love for me.
Whenever we get to talking about things he continues to say he loves me so much but I don't get it. I know he's hesitant to really want me back, I would be too, but it also feels like he's just being nice to this other girl and not listening to what he really wants. Everything he says, except for loving this girl, tells me he still wants me.
I'm prepared to wait for him, because I love him so much and if this is some sort of test I don't care. But why is he trying to be so nice to this girl? I mean isn't it kind of mean to be with her if he's also thinking a lot of me?
Sorry that it's so long.
VictorM's advice:
Wow... took me the whole Memorial day weekend to read this question. (I kid, I kid).
What he's doing is standard guy procedure. Basically, he needs to punish you, hence telling you both that he loves you and loves the other girl. He needs to hear you say you're sorry over and over, say you love him over and over, and he needs to hurt you over and over until... well, who knows for how long.
Now this isn't something that he's planning. It's not a test. What he's doing he's doing subconsciously. Which is why he doesn't think he's using the other girl -- in his mind he's not. But heck, not only did you go out with another guy, not only did you have sex with another guy, not only did you ignore him, you even moved in with the guy (forget all other reasons why you did it, in his mind he can only think of things relative to him). Think about that: you moved in with another guy! And so until he wounds you deeper than you've wounded him, he won't be satisfied.
But his little child reaction isn't the major problem now -- you are. In your own words: "I'm prepared to wait for him, because I love him so much and if this is some sort of test I don't care." He has you by the balls and he'll manipulate the situation as long as he knows you feel this way.
You have to stop being a door mat for a guy who really dumped you in the first place. You are too much on the defensive when you shouldn't be. You need to call his bluff. He better stop hurting you or you're history. He has a girlfriend? Fine. Wish him luck. You are moving on. Stop behaving like a sad little puppy. If you're right that he's in love with you, he'll chase you. If he's not, or he's too stubborn to admit it, well... his loss, your gain.
I'll tell you something I really believe in: you'll be a much happier person without him than with him if he's going to make you pay for the rest of your life. And the way you're behaving, he would take advantage of that. The only way you'll be happy with him is if this is all put behind you both and he comes back to you on your terms. And for that to happen, you have to stop acting like you're guilty. You're not!
I dated a guy for 4 1/2 years. He was my first love and I would do anything for him. But suddenly in July 2007 he comes to me and says he's been depressed for a few months and it been getting worse and basically it's all my fault because I couldn't keep a job and past things keep coming to him. Ever the understanding one, I said ok, if he needed a break (because he asked for it after he told me that stuff) he could have it and I'd be there.
But as time went on I felt like I was going insane because one moment he'd be sweet and loving and caring again and then the next he'd be so distant and cold. Finally I couldn't put up with it anymore, it was tearing my heart up to deal with it, and decided to take my dad up on his offer to live with him. It would require moving to the other side of the country.
The guy never once asked me to stay so I left. While living with my dad I was in a very bad environment where everyone was telling me to find someone else, to date around while I was on a break. I felt like I should, people told me for years to stop dating him but he wasn't a bad guy, I just never told him what I felt he was doing wrong.
Because I was in this environment my brain won the argument and I tried finding someone else. Unfortunately it never happened. My guy, by then had started wanting me back, which confused me because he only started paying attention to me when I told him I'd had this cool guy friend who I talked anime with. It felt like he only wanted me back because he was jealous, so I was confused.
It took him a while but in a moment of weakness and loneliness I said ok, I wanted him back, but things didn't feel right. They kept feeling wrong and then when a guy came into my life who was interested in me and was close enough to visit me I let my guard down and hung out with him. I thought I had feelings for him but wasn't quite sure. I was trying to get things settled in my head when, on Valentine's Day, my guy called me and asked if I was seeing someone else. Someone had sent him an e-mail with links to things I'd said in confidentiality that made it look like I was cheating on him. He was distraught, of course. I told him I was sorry but I needed some time to think, that I needed the break this time.
After that he tried three times to get me back. By then I had moved in with the guy I was hanging out with, not because I liked him but because my family wasn't helping at all and I had to get out of such a negative environment.
Well my best friend let slip that I was living with the guy and so he got horribly upset. I understand why he did. He tried one last time (the third time) to get me back and I nearly caved, but I figured I needed to know how I really felt about him by seeing what it was like with a different guy.
I didn't know how to respond to his last attempt at getting me back and I was so caught up in going here and there and watching movies and playing games with this other guy that I lost track and time and had forgotten to respond. It had been a week or more without so much as an apology from me to him.
I thought I'd gotten over him because I never had time to think about him. The only thing I realized what that I didn't exactly love the guy I was with romantically. Then two nights in a row I had dreams with my guy in them. There was nothing romantic about them but seeing him again sparked something in me. I wanted him, I knew I really did love him.
I got up and found him online and started talking to him and telling him sorry for not responding sooner and how I did love him. But he replied with saying there was another girl. He had forgotten about me so soon.
When I realized I didn't love the guy I was living with I knew I couldn't string him along or live with him anymore so I moved back with my mother, who lives in the same place as my guy.
My guy is now dating this girl, he told me he'd actually been dating her a while before I told him I wanted him again.
I've expressed my feelings as much as I can to him and he says he still loves me and cares about me a lot, but he can't leave this girl, that he feels some loyalty to her because she was there for him. But he also says that she might leave this summer or they might break up and to me it sounds like he's hoping he doesn't have to be the one to break their relationship, that he wants me but is too nice and doesn't want to hurt the other girl.
Now all the sudden he's saying he loves this other girl too, and I find that hard to believe because he's only known her for about two months and he knew me for six before he expressed his love for me.
Whenever we get to talking about things he continues to say he loves me so much but I don't get it. I know he's hesitant to really want me back, I would be too, but it also feels like he's just being nice to this other girl and not listening to what he really wants. Everything he says, except for loving this girl, tells me he still wants me.
I'm prepared to wait for him, because I love him so much and if this is some sort of test I don't care. But why is he trying to be so nice to this girl? I mean isn't it kind of mean to be with her if he's also thinking a lot of me?
Sorry that it's so long.
VictorM's advice:
Wow... took me the whole Memorial day weekend to read this question. (I kid, I kid).
What he's doing is standard guy procedure. Basically, he needs to punish you, hence telling you both that he loves you and loves the other girl. He needs to hear you say you're sorry over and over, say you love him over and over, and he needs to hurt you over and over until... well, who knows for how long.
Now this isn't something that he's planning. It's not a test. What he's doing he's doing subconsciously. Which is why he doesn't think he's using the other girl -- in his mind he's not. But heck, not only did you go out with another guy, not only did you have sex with another guy, not only did you ignore him, you even moved in with the guy (forget all other reasons why you did it, in his mind he can only think of things relative to him). Think about that: you moved in with another guy! And so until he wounds you deeper than you've wounded him, he won't be satisfied.
But his little child reaction isn't the major problem now -- you are. In your own words: "I'm prepared to wait for him, because I love him so much and if this is some sort of test I don't care." He has you by the balls and he'll manipulate the situation as long as he knows you feel this way.
You have to stop being a door mat for a guy who really dumped you in the first place. You are too much on the defensive when you shouldn't be. You need to call his bluff. He better stop hurting you or you're history. He has a girlfriend? Fine. Wish him luck. You are moving on. Stop behaving like a sad little puppy. If you're right that he's in love with you, he'll chase you. If he's not, or he's too stubborn to admit it, well... his loss, your gain.
I'll tell you something I really believe in: you'll be a much happier person without him than with him if he's going to make you pay for the rest of your life. And the way you're behaving, he would take advantage of that. The only way you'll be happy with him is if this is all put behind you both and he comes back to you on your terms. And for that to happen, you have to stop acting like you're guilty. You're not!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Married for 6 years and recently separated
Submitted on Friday, May 23, 2008
By Kim, 31, from South Africa:
I have been married for 6 years and recently separated. Soon after I met the most amazing man and we just clicked. I have had many boyfriends before, but I never ever had sex with any of them, only my husband. This guy was different...we connected and he said he loved me...bottom line...after just 6 weeks he managed to get me to sleep with him. It's totally out of character for me...I don't sleep around...he was the only second guy i ever went past kissing with and the first was my husband! Thing is, now this guy is acting all withdrawn...i am terrified that he now things I am "easy" when that is so incredibly far from the truth. i was only ever "easy" with him and it was only because I really do love him and because he said he loved me...I thought we had forever...now I feel like I should've played hard to get for at least a year...so confused...he isn't that type of guy either...he has only slept with 1 other girl before and it was 2 years ago. Is it possible he does love me? Or am i just an old fool?
VictorM's advice:
It's totally possible that he loves and is just bringing down his pursuit of you to a normal and realistic level of intensity (something that females seem to have a hard time understanding), or it could be that as he gets to know you more he's starting to lose interest. Either one of these actions are normal and whether you like them or not, it's life.
I doubt that having had sex with him within a specified period of time has anything to do with how he feels about you.
If having had sex with you sped up his loss of interest in you, that loss was going to come anyway. It was just a matter of time. And you're better off finding out now rather than 9 months from now.
By Kim, 31, from South Africa:
I have been married for 6 years and recently separated. Soon after I met the most amazing man and we just clicked. I have had many boyfriends before, but I never ever had sex with any of them, only my husband. This guy was different...we connected and he said he loved me...bottom line...after just 6 weeks he managed to get me to sleep with him. It's totally out of character for me...I don't sleep around...he was the only second guy i ever went past kissing with and the first was my husband! Thing is, now this guy is acting all withdrawn...i am terrified that he now things I am "easy" when that is so incredibly far from the truth. i was only ever "easy" with him and it was only because I really do love him and because he said he loved me...I thought we had forever...now I feel like I should've played hard to get for at least a year...so confused...he isn't that type of guy either...he has only slept with 1 other girl before and it was 2 years ago. Is it possible he does love me? Or am i just an old fool?
VictorM's advice:
It's totally possible that he loves and is just bringing down his pursuit of you to a normal and realistic level of intensity (something that females seem to have a hard time understanding), or it could be that as he gets to know you more he's starting to lose interest. Either one of these actions are normal and whether you like them or not, it's life.
I doubt that having had sex with him within a specified period of time has anything to do with how he feels about you.
If having had sex with you sped up his loss of interest in you, that loss was going to come anyway. It was just a matter of time. And you're better off finding out now rather than 9 months from now.
His friend's number
Submitted on Thursday, May 22, 2008
By joanne, 22:
My cousin has a friend. I was wondering if it's a good idea to ask for his friend's number?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, why not? Although your cousin should ask his friend first if it's OK to give out his number. If the guy says yes, great.
By joanne, 22:
My cousin has a friend. I was wondering if it's a good idea to ask for his friend's number?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, why not? Although your cousin should ask his friend first if it's OK to give out his number. If the guy says yes, great.
I'm in need of major assistance
Submitted on Wednesday, May 21, 2008
By Andrea, 16, from IOWA:
ok I'm in need of major assistance. Well i've like this guy Roy for a while and he moved schools this year but since i was able to see him on his last day we exchanged phone numbers. And the past months we've been talking. I have a feeling he likes me but there's a problem: his girlfriend. I once asked him straight how he felt about me and he said if he didn't have a girlfriend he would ask me out. So with that i left it alone only one more time did i ask since it had been a while. He told me that his love life was bad and that his girlfriend was mean to him but he told me in such a way as if he wanted me to talk him out of it or something. of course i didn't and we never talked about it again. but recently i called him and when i did he said he was making dinner, so i asked if he wanted me to call him back and he said yeah, when i asked when, he said he didn't know but not be long so i called half an hour later. Then when i did guess who answered? HIS GIRLFRIEND. And now i'm not really sure what to believe all i know is. I heard a girl's voice but i didn't know who it was so i just asked if Roy was there. She replied no and i responded with a "no?" cause he had just been home it didn't make sense ya know. then she said "no he's not here, this is his girlfriend" once i heard that i realized so i ended with an "oh, ok bye" and she hung up without saying anything in return. And after me and his girlfriend's short little conversation i don't know what to think. There are so many possibilities i don't want to even think about. I have a feeling he does like me because we usually have at least an hour conversation whenever we talk on the phone. and if his girlfriend was there when i called in the first place wouldn't he have said "oh sorry i can't talk now" instead of telling to call back later? Please tell me what could be the most probable possibility. He's never treated me wrong and i know for a fact that he does enjoy talking to me. (And might i add in out last 2 hour convo he acted different, gave me more compliments and it just felt different than any other convo we've had). Could it be that he likes me it's just his girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. And he likes his girlfriend. And probably a few other girls as well. What he's doing is what boys normally do with girls they like: they keep them close and interested just in case. Sorta like saving them for a rainy day.
Does he like you more than his girlfriend? Of course not. If he did, you'd be his girlfriend, not her. He's with her because he chooses to. Any idea that you may have that somehow he's with her because she has his mother locked in a hidden place is pure fantasy. He CHOOSES to be with her. The talk about her girlfriend being mean is utter bullshit. Just enough crap to keep you close and interested.
About the call... chances are that she was there when you first called and he thought she would be gone by the next time you called. She probably asked him who that was and he must have fumbled so she decided to get the phone next time it rang. And if you think you're the only one making such calls, think again.
By Andrea, 16, from IOWA:
ok I'm in need of major assistance. Well i've like this guy Roy for a while and he moved schools this year but since i was able to see him on his last day we exchanged phone numbers. And the past months we've been talking. I have a feeling he likes me but there's a problem: his girlfriend. I once asked him straight how he felt about me and he said if he didn't have a girlfriend he would ask me out. So with that i left it alone only one more time did i ask since it had been a while. He told me that his love life was bad and that his girlfriend was mean to him but he told me in such a way as if he wanted me to talk him out of it or something. of course i didn't and we never talked about it again. but recently i called him and when i did he said he was making dinner, so i asked if he wanted me to call him back and he said yeah, when i asked when, he said he didn't know but not be long so i called half an hour later. Then when i did guess who answered? HIS GIRLFRIEND. And now i'm not really sure what to believe all i know is. I heard a girl's voice but i didn't know who it was so i just asked if Roy was there. She replied no and i responded with a "no?" cause he had just been home it didn't make sense ya know. then she said "no he's not here, this is his girlfriend" once i heard that i realized so i ended with an "oh, ok bye" and she hung up without saying anything in return. And after me and his girlfriend's short little conversation i don't know what to think. There are so many possibilities i don't want to even think about. I have a feeling he does like me because we usually have at least an hour conversation whenever we talk on the phone. and if his girlfriend was there when i called in the first place wouldn't he have said "oh sorry i can't talk now" instead of telling to call back later? Please tell me what could be the most probable possibility. He's never treated me wrong and i know for a fact that he does enjoy talking to me. (And might i add in out last 2 hour convo he acted different, gave me more compliments and it just felt different than any other convo we've had). Could it be that he likes me it's just his girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. And he likes his girlfriend. And probably a few other girls as well. What he's doing is what boys normally do with girls they like: they keep them close and interested just in case. Sorta like saving them for a rainy day.
Does he like you more than his girlfriend? Of course not. If he did, you'd be his girlfriend, not her. He's with her because he chooses to. Any idea that you may have that somehow he's with her because she has his mother locked in a hidden place is pure fantasy. He CHOOSES to be with her. The talk about her girlfriend being mean is utter bullshit. Just enough crap to keep you close and interested.
About the call... chances are that she was there when you first called and he thought she would be gone by the next time you called. She probably asked him who that was and he must have fumbled so she decided to get the phone next time it rang. And if you think you're the only one making such calls, think again.
Friday, May 23, 2008
I left a message and have yet to hear from him
Submitted on Wednesday, May 21, 2008
By bek, early 30's, from usa:
I've known this guy as an acquaintance for quite some time, when we see each other out we talk and goof around. Last time I ran into him we danced twice, talked, then when he walked me out he kissed me. I told him earlier in the night that I would call him so we could go golfing this week. After he kissed me I said I'll call you. He laughed and joked that I was lying and wouldn't. Well I did, only to get his answering machine. I left a message and have yet to hear from him. Is he interested or what?
VictorM's advice:
If he doesn't answer back he probably isn't interested, but don't expect him to call you back right away. Also, don't trust recording machines too much. If you don't hear back from him, try again until you actually talk to him.
Another thing, don't disregard that he may have had other plans and it'll be easier to call you back next week than explain what he's up to.
Bottom line: don't give up just yet. Try at least to talk to him about this once again. But if you have to chase him too much, you should consider he's not interested.
By bek, early 30's, from usa:
I've known this guy as an acquaintance for quite some time, when we see each other out we talk and goof around. Last time I ran into him we danced twice, talked, then when he walked me out he kissed me. I told him earlier in the night that I would call him so we could go golfing this week. After he kissed me I said I'll call you. He laughed and joked that I was lying and wouldn't. Well I did, only to get his answering machine. I left a message and have yet to hear from him. Is he interested or what?
VictorM's advice:
If he doesn't answer back he probably isn't interested, but don't expect him to call you back right away. Also, don't trust recording machines too much. If you don't hear back from him, try again until you actually talk to him.
Another thing, don't disregard that he may have had other plans and it'll be easier to call you back next week than explain what he's up to.
Bottom line: don't give up just yet. Try at least to talk to him about this once again. But if you have to chase him too much, you should consider he's not interested.
I don't know what to say
Submitted on Wednesday, May 21, 2008
By devin, 18, from lex:
okay so my boyfriend just asked me how do i feel about our relationship and I don't know what to say. i mean i really enjoy our relationship and i love him to death .. i just dont know what to say.
VictorM's advice:
Say something brilliant like: "I really enjoy our relationship and I love you to death."
I have such a way with words sometimes. :)
By devin, 18, from lex:
okay so my boyfriend just asked me how do i feel about our relationship and I don't know what to say. i mean i really enjoy our relationship and i love him to death .. i just dont know what to say.
VictorM's advice:
Say something brilliant like: "I really enjoy our relationship and I love you to death."
I have such a way with words sometimes. :)
Mr. Cool
Submitted on Tuesday, May 20, 2008
By Kayla, 18, from Seattle:
My ex boyfriend, whom I only dated for 2 or 3 months which was 6 months ago, has once again come back into my life. I met him about 6 years ago, and we have been friends all through my school years. I always had a crush on him, and when we finally dated, I was extremely excited. He has always been the type to show no emotion, or affection and always had to be "mr. cool" who could never embarass himself. Surprisingly he broke up with me, because he thought we would be better off as friends (in some sense I agreed because we went from good friends to lovers). But when we ended things we ended on good terms because neither one of us did anything wrong, and of course I was still really into him but I didn't let him know that.
By Kayla, 18, from Seattle:
My ex boyfriend, whom I only dated for 2 or 3 months which was 6 months ago, has once again come back into my life. I met him about 6 years ago, and we have been friends all through my school years. I always had a crush on him, and when we finally dated, I was extremely excited. He has always been the type to show no emotion, or affection and always had to be "mr. cool" who could never embarass himself. Surprisingly he broke up with me, because he thought we would be better off as friends (in some sense I agreed because we went from good friends to lovers). But when we ended things we ended on good terms because neither one of us did anything wrong, and of course I was still really into him but I didn't let him know that.
Until about a month ago, whenever we got drunk together at a party, he would hold my hands when nobody was watching and kissed me once. I didn't really think anything of this because I figured he was only doing this due to his drunkness so I tried to not let it get to me.
Then one night, about 3 nights ago, I went to a party that he was at and he confessed to me that he still had feelings for me and how he had regretted ending things with me 6 months ago. I knew he was drunk so I decided to wait until the next day to ask him about what he had said. When I had asked him the next day if he actually meant everything he told me the other night, he said "yeah i meant it, i do have feelings for you and i regret ending things but if i wasn't drunk I probably wouldve never told you all of that and kept it to myself."
What in the world is that suppose to mean victor? Why would he have never told me if he was sober? And if he feels this way about me, how come he never shows it? The only time when he shows it is when he is drunk, but he admitted things to me when he was sober too..
And then if he knows I feel the same way, why won't he do something about it? Usually when two people like each other, they try to work things out...he's making no sense to me at all. And this weekend I'm going camping with him and 7 other friends....please let me know what he is actually thinking, I definitely need to understand this situation before I make a fool out of myself this weekend. Thank you Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Don't make a fool of yourself this weekend. Stay away and don't fall for the words of someone who can only say those things to do under the influence.
You're asking why he holds those thoughts to himself, but then, you held those same thoughts to yourself. The only difference might be that while you feel the way you do all the time, chances are that his feelings for you come and go. That is, he feels something special for you but either: 1) they are not strong enough, or 2) he knows that you two aren't as good together as you are apart.
Either way, don't misunderstand his intentions. While you think that if he feels that way he should want to be together, it sounds to me like he's working to keep away from you. That is, the moments he confesses his feelings for you are moments of weakness. In his mind, for whatever reasons, he feels he's better off without you.
Then one night, about 3 nights ago, I went to a party that he was at and he confessed to me that he still had feelings for me and how he had regretted ending things with me 6 months ago. I knew he was drunk so I decided to wait until the next day to ask him about what he had said. When I had asked him the next day if he actually meant everything he told me the other night, he said "yeah i meant it, i do have feelings for you and i regret ending things but if i wasn't drunk I probably wouldve never told you all of that and kept it to myself."
What in the world is that suppose to mean victor? Why would he have never told me if he was sober? And if he feels this way about me, how come he never shows it? The only time when he shows it is when he is drunk, but he admitted things to me when he was sober too..
And then if he knows I feel the same way, why won't he do something about it? Usually when two people like each other, they try to work things out...he's making no sense to me at all. And this weekend I'm going camping with him and 7 other friends....please let me know what he is actually thinking, I definitely need to understand this situation before I make a fool out of myself this weekend. Thank you Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Don't make a fool of yourself this weekend. Stay away and don't fall for the words of someone who can only say those things to do under the influence.
You're asking why he holds those thoughts to himself, but then, you held those same thoughts to yourself. The only difference might be that while you feel the way you do all the time, chances are that his feelings for you come and go. That is, he feels something special for you but either: 1) they are not strong enough, or 2) he knows that you two aren't as good together as you are apart.
Either way, don't misunderstand his intentions. While you think that if he feels that way he should want to be together, it sounds to me like he's working to keep away from you. That is, the moments he confesses his feelings for you are moments of weakness. In his mind, for whatever reasons, he feels he's better off without you.
Way over the border
Submitted on Monday, May 19, 2008
By jacqueline, 16:
hi! recently i am having trouble about my feelings and is confused about a boy's feeling towards me. we have known each other for about 2 years, but there is no relationship between us, just plain friends. he is very much older than me, but the way he treats me, it's way over the border of how plain friends would treat each other. when we go shopping, he would go behind my back and just wrap his arms around my neck. when i go to his house and we sit down, watching tv, sometimes i would just stare into space, and then he would pull me towards him into his chest, so i can lay my head there. when my hands are cold, he would hold my hands. i admit that i have feelings for him, but how does he feel?
VictorM's advice:
Those are all signs of a guy who likes physical contact with a girl. None of the things you described indicate any interest in you other than physical attraction. And he will continue to touch you as long as you let him.
By jacqueline, 16:
hi! recently i am having trouble about my feelings and is confused about a boy's feeling towards me. we have known each other for about 2 years, but there is no relationship between us, just plain friends. he is very much older than me, but the way he treats me, it's way over the border of how plain friends would treat each other. when we go shopping, he would go behind my back and just wrap his arms around my neck. when i go to his house and we sit down, watching tv, sometimes i would just stare into space, and then he would pull me towards him into his chest, so i can lay my head there. when my hands are cold, he would hold my hands. i admit that i have feelings for him, but how does he feel?
VictorM's advice:
Those are all signs of a guy who likes physical contact with a girl. None of the things you described indicate any interest in you other than physical attraction. And he will continue to touch you as long as you let him.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
He needs to figure things out
Submitted on Monday, May 19, 2008
By Lana, 26, from England:
Okay, so my guy and I have been together about 6 months. He just left for Grad school, so we've been planning how to see each other and what not. He also has a ton of family stuff going on at home. He told me today that he is taking a vacation for a few days to clear his head because he knows he has some huge things coming up in the fall and he needs to figure things out. Does this mean I should be fully prepared to be the thing he cuts out of this life to make things simpler for him in the fall?
VictorM's advice:
Very perceptive of you, Lana. Once a girl is part of what complicates a guy's life, not part of what makes his life better, it's time to cut her loose.
By Lana, 26, from England:
Okay, so my guy and I have been together about 6 months. He just left for Grad school, so we've been planning how to see each other and what not. He also has a ton of family stuff going on at home. He told me today that he is taking a vacation for a few days to clear his head because he knows he has some huge things coming up in the fall and he needs to figure things out. Does this mean I should be fully prepared to be the thing he cuts out of this life to make things simpler for him in the fall?
VictorM's advice:
Very perceptive of you, Lana. Once a girl is part of what complicates a guy's life, not part of what makes his life better, it's time to cut her loose.
he's like a big christian
Submitted on Sunday, May 18, 2008
By Wanting, 17, from M*Town:
If the guy you like doesn't want a relationship because he's like a big christian and doesn't want to ruin it, how can you convince him that you won't do anything he doesn't want to?
VictorM's advice:
If the boy is a big Christian and you're not, you simply don't have a prayer, not matter what you promise him. I don't think he's rejecting you because he's afraid of you; I think he's doing it because you're not as committed to his religion as he is.
By Wanting, 17, from M*Town:
If the guy you like doesn't want a relationship because he's like a big christian and doesn't want to ruin it, how can you convince him that you won't do anything he doesn't want to?
VictorM's advice:
If the boy is a big Christian and you're not, you simply don't have a prayer, not matter what you promise him. I don't think he's rejecting you because he's afraid of you; I think he's doing it because you're not as committed to his religion as he is.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I've got a boy who is driving me nuts
Submitted on Sunday, May 18, 2008
By Melina, 20, from Iowa:
I've got a boy who is driving me nuts.
We met after he waited on me at a restaurant and I left my number. We hung out several times after that...we eventually had sex and it totally rocked (we followed the sex by staying up the rest of the night talking about literature and philosophy...sigh...). So the dude is smart, handsome, and absolutely hilarious. This sounds cheesy, but I felt like we really connected on multiple levels. We continued to make plans (he would in fact suggest some of the dates), but then at the last minute, he would pull out. This happened for the next week or two. I wasn't sure if he was just busy or trying to give me the brush off...we eventually had a discussion online where it came out that he had broken up with his last girlfriend only a week before me and she was trying to get back with him and he was confused by his conflicting feelings from the past and present. I took this as adequate explaination for his behavior and since I really just like the guy in general, offered to still remain friends.
A few days ago, I get a couple text messages at 1 AM telling me that he was out with a mutual friend and he "really missed me" and "wanted to come cuddle with me." I called him the next day...we chatted a bit and I invited him to a movie (which he turned down as he already had plans). I haven't heard from him since.
So, should I just give up and move on? I really dug this guy...and I'm pretty sure he dug me, too. He could have very easily kept playing me for sex but he was honest about his current situation...however, I don't really want to invest time in chasing this dude around if he's still confused. I also don't want to act like a stupid girl, reading too much into things and becoming emotionally invested in someone who isn't available.
So, should I keep trying to arrange meetings? If he says yes and then backs out at the last minute again, how long should I keep up with it? I can't tell if the mixed signals are actually there or I just want them to be there because I'm so into him...but what I do know for sure is that thinking about it is driving me insane.
VictorM's advice:
I don't see the point of giving up (after all, how many man can talk about literature and philosophy after sex and be hilarious?) but sounds to me like he has to sort his feelings out on his own. You chasing him is only more likely to make him take you for granted. Staying away is more likely to produce the desire for him to want to be with you.
The fact is that if he still has tangled feelings about the ex, it is in your best interest that he pursue it and purge her from his life once and for all before he comes back to you.
Also, you making these plans, him breaking them off, and you not minding (or even just tolerating them), makes you sound weak and desperate, attributes that aren't too appealing. More then endearing him to you, you're causing him to lose respect for you. Don't allow that to happen again.
Don't be the one setting dates with him, continue to seek other dates and having a normal life, but don't shut him out. If he contacts you, be nice but don't agree to dates unless he's going to honor them. Also, make sure you ask about how it's going with his ex. Don't accept the date unless he tells you it's over with her.
By Melina, 20, from Iowa:
I've got a boy who is driving me nuts.
We met after he waited on me at a restaurant and I left my number. We hung out several times after that...we eventually had sex and it totally rocked (we followed the sex by staying up the rest of the night talking about literature and philosophy...sigh...). So the dude is smart, handsome, and absolutely hilarious. This sounds cheesy, but I felt like we really connected on multiple levels. We continued to make plans (he would in fact suggest some of the dates), but then at the last minute, he would pull out. This happened for the next week or two. I wasn't sure if he was just busy or trying to give me the brush off...we eventually had a discussion online where it came out that he had broken up with his last girlfriend only a week before me and she was trying to get back with him and he was confused by his conflicting feelings from the past and present. I took this as adequate explaination for his behavior and since I really just like the guy in general, offered to still remain friends.
A few days ago, I get a couple text messages at 1 AM telling me that he was out with a mutual friend and he "really missed me" and "wanted to come cuddle with me." I called him the next day...we chatted a bit and I invited him to a movie (which he turned down as he already had plans). I haven't heard from him since.
So, should I just give up and move on? I really dug this guy...and I'm pretty sure he dug me, too. He could have very easily kept playing me for sex but he was honest about his current situation...however, I don't really want to invest time in chasing this dude around if he's still confused. I also don't want to act like a stupid girl, reading too much into things and becoming emotionally invested in someone who isn't available.
So, should I keep trying to arrange meetings? If he says yes and then backs out at the last minute again, how long should I keep up with it? I can't tell if the mixed signals are actually there or I just want them to be there because I'm so into him...but what I do know for sure is that thinking about it is driving me insane.
VictorM's advice:
I don't see the point of giving up (after all, how many man can talk about literature and philosophy after sex and be hilarious?) but sounds to me like he has to sort his feelings out on his own. You chasing him is only more likely to make him take you for granted. Staying away is more likely to produce the desire for him to want to be with you.
The fact is that if he still has tangled feelings about the ex, it is in your best interest that he pursue it and purge her from his life once and for all before he comes back to you.
Also, you making these plans, him breaking them off, and you not minding (or even just tolerating them), makes you sound weak and desperate, attributes that aren't too appealing. More then endearing him to you, you're causing him to lose respect for you. Don't allow that to happen again.
Don't be the one setting dates with him, continue to seek other dates and having a normal life, but don't shut him out. If he contacts you, be nice but don't agree to dates unless he's going to honor them. Also, make sure you ask about how it's going with his ex. Don't accept the date unless he tells you it's over with her.
At first it was just sex
Submitted on Saturday, May 17, 2008
By Paige, 30, from Alabama:
I have been seeing this guy who is 24. At first it was just sex, but then we started hanging out. When I go see him we always spend time chatting, watching TV etc, before anything happens. We have been out a few times and he is always up for doing whatever I want to do (outside of the bed I mean haha).... But he has never officially said we are a couple, and we never have that discussion. We talk daily but I usually initiate the conversation (whether on text or IM). Also in bed I am always the one to initiate anything. My question is: does he like me or is he just keeping me around for the sex? It's not a secret to his friends or mine that we are "together". But he doesn't call me his girlfriend. He did just get out of a relationship 6 months ago and she broke his heart.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he enjoys your company. You must be a fun woman. But I doubt you'll ever amount to more than that.
Guys generally classify girls into three groups: girls we'd love to fuck, girls that could drop dead, and girls we could take home to meet mom and be the mothers of our future children. Seldom does one girl go from one category to the other.
Younger guys are also notorious for being sexually attracted to older women. And whether you like it or not, that's what you are to him -- an older woman. Again, this stacks the odds against anything serious developing.
So... he likes you for what you are and probably will ever only be: his fuck buddy. Pure and simple.
By Paige, 30, from Alabama:
I have been seeing this guy who is 24. At first it was just sex, but then we started hanging out. When I go see him we always spend time chatting, watching TV etc, before anything happens. We have been out a few times and he is always up for doing whatever I want to do (outside of the bed I mean haha).... But he has never officially said we are a couple, and we never have that discussion. We talk daily but I usually initiate the conversation (whether on text or IM). Also in bed I am always the one to initiate anything. My question is: does he like me or is he just keeping me around for the sex? It's not a secret to his friends or mine that we are "together". But he doesn't call me his girlfriend. He did just get out of a relationship 6 months ago and she broke his heart.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he enjoys your company. You must be a fun woman. But I doubt you'll ever amount to more than that.
Guys generally classify girls into three groups: girls we'd love to fuck, girls that could drop dead, and girls we could take home to meet mom and be the mothers of our future children. Seldom does one girl go from one category to the other.
Younger guys are also notorious for being sexually attracted to older women. And whether you like it or not, that's what you are to him -- an older woman. Again, this stacks the odds against anything serious developing.
So... he likes you for what you are and probably will ever only be: his fuck buddy. Pure and simple.
Please help me read his mixed signals!
Submitted on Saturday, May 17, 2008
By Alexa, 15, from Maine:
At my school, I have about 5 classes with the same group of kids. On valentines day, this boy in that group who barely had ever talked to me before, asked me to be his valentine, but it seemed in more of a joking way. Since then we've been named 'the class couple.' He sits by me in a couple classes, says hi and waves to me, and writes stuff like our name in hearts on the desks. He calls me cute and always asks me to be his partner. But this is only inside our classes with the same group. The rest of the day he ignores me. Is he just teasing me or does he really like me? Please help me read his mixed signals!
VictorM's advice:
"Does he like me?" is usually the wrong question when it comes to teenage boys. He likes you. That seems pretty obvious. The real question is: "Am I the only girl that he likes?" And the answer is probably "no!" My guess is that once out of that classroom he has other girls that he likes and is nice to.
Boys in your age group are surrounded by all these cute teenage girls and it's so hard to focus on just one. He just doesn't want to be pinned down to one girl at this time.
So... he likes you but you're probably not the only one he likes. Doesn't sound like he's looking to be a couple with any girl yet but he likes to flirt with you and get your attention for the duration of the class. He probably does the same with other girls in other classes.
By Alexa, 15, from Maine:
At my school, I have about 5 classes with the same group of kids. On valentines day, this boy in that group who barely had ever talked to me before, asked me to be his valentine, but it seemed in more of a joking way. Since then we've been named 'the class couple.' He sits by me in a couple classes, says hi and waves to me, and writes stuff like our name in hearts on the desks. He calls me cute and always asks me to be his partner. But this is only inside our classes with the same group. The rest of the day he ignores me. Is he just teasing me or does he really like me? Please help me read his mixed signals!
VictorM's advice:
"Does he like me?" is usually the wrong question when it comes to teenage boys. He likes you. That seems pretty obvious. The real question is: "Am I the only girl that he likes?" And the answer is probably "no!" My guess is that once out of that classroom he has other girls that he likes and is nice to.
Boys in your age group are surrounded by all these cute teenage girls and it's so hard to focus on just one. He just doesn't want to be pinned down to one girl at this time.
So... he likes you but you're probably not the only one he likes. Doesn't sound like he's looking to be a couple with any girl yet but he likes to flirt with you and get your attention for the duration of the class. He probably does the same with other girls in other classes.
I'm new to the dating game again
Submitted on Friday, May 16, 2008
By nicky, 29, from philadelphia, pa:
Hi victor, ok i'm somewhat older than your "ordinary " audience and probably when i was their age i had no issues because i really didn't invest that much that young. Ok so i'm a recent divorcee girl, have always been independent and attractive to the opposite sex, and yes I'm new to the dating game again. So here is my problem: i keep attracting the same guy, the one you discuss quite often the " hi i love you i am going to come on really strong" then poof "i don't want a relationship, i need more time". Heck i really didn't want one either i guess so i go back to doing my own thing (which i actually enjoy, have lots of hobbies and a great job, and great friends) and then another one of these same guys comes along it seems.. so how do i break this pattern? why am i attracting this type of guy right now? your insight would be fantastic ! AND btw i do follow what you say and head for the hills the minute they say this rather than attempt to wait around for them to change, just wow this is exhausting attracting this type..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you provoke a strong attraction by guys right away, which I interpret as a testament that you're probably a lot more attractive than you indicated or believe yourself to be. My guess is that you're sending out vibes that is attracting the kind of guys that just want to play, while scaring away the guys that want to get serious.
Whether it's the way you dress, an outgoing personality, or just some killer sexuality about you that is attracting these guys, I'm not sure you'd want to change. After all, if you're a sexy woman, why hide it? In this case, you're just doing well by recognizing the wrong guys and continuing to date until you find a keeper.
You may just be finding out what most of us a bit older know to be a fact: it gets harder and harder as we age to find the right partner who is right for the right reasons.
You seem to have a real well balanced life. In that case, just exercise some patience and continue to date.
Maybe karma is working in your favor and keeping you from finding a mate right away because after a divorce you're better off staying free and experiencing a variety of men until the time is right for Mr. Right.
By nicky, 29, from philadelphia, pa:
Hi victor, ok i'm somewhat older than your "ordinary " audience and probably when i was their age i had no issues because i really didn't invest that much that young. Ok so i'm a recent divorcee girl, have always been independent and attractive to the opposite sex, and yes I'm new to the dating game again. So here is my problem: i keep attracting the same guy, the one you discuss quite often the " hi i love you i am going to come on really strong" then poof "i don't want a relationship, i need more time". Heck i really didn't want one either i guess so i go back to doing my own thing (which i actually enjoy, have lots of hobbies and a great job, and great friends) and then another one of these same guys comes along it seems.. so how do i break this pattern? why am i attracting this type of guy right now? your insight would be fantastic ! AND btw i do follow what you say and head for the hills the minute they say this rather than attempt to wait around for them to change, just wow this is exhausting attracting this type..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like you provoke a strong attraction by guys right away, which I interpret as a testament that you're probably a lot more attractive than you indicated or believe yourself to be. My guess is that you're sending out vibes that is attracting the kind of guys that just want to play, while scaring away the guys that want to get serious.
Whether it's the way you dress, an outgoing personality, or just some killer sexuality about you that is attracting these guys, I'm not sure you'd want to change. After all, if you're a sexy woman, why hide it? In this case, you're just doing well by recognizing the wrong guys and continuing to date until you find a keeper.
You may just be finding out what most of us a bit older know to be a fact: it gets harder and harder as we age to find the right partner who is right for the right reasons.
You seem to have a real well balanced life. In that case, just exercise some patience and continue to date.
Maybe karma is working in your favor and keeping you from finding a mate right away because after a divorce you're better off staying free and experiencing a variety of men until the time is right for Mr. Right.
Monday, May 19, 2008
How do I know if he loves me?
Submitted on Friday, May 16, 2008
By Jennifer, 25, from Florence, Alabama:
My boyfriend of one month tells me all the time he is crazy about me and like me A LOT. How do I know if he loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Does he send you flowers? Cards? Candy? Does he spend way above his means to shower you with gifts? If yes, then he loves you.
Yes, yes, I was being sarcastic.
You never know for sure if someone loves you or not. But that shouldn't matter. Some people love intensely but they love all wrong. What good is that? All you have to go on is how he makes you feel about yourself when you're with him. You can never be sure if someone loves you, but you can be sure when you feel loved. And if you do, you're way ahead of the curve.
But don't get too ahead of yourself. Dating for one month, and liking you a lot, does not mean "in love" yet. The notion of love at first site is as flawed as judging love by the amount of gifts you get. Give yourselves time to enjoy each other's company and to develop further affection for the other. Love is a slow brew.
By Jennifer, 25, from Florence, Alabama:
My boyfriend of one month tells me all the time he is crazy about me and like me A LOT. How do I know if he loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Does he send you flowers? Cards? Candy? Does he spend way above his means to shower you with gifts? If yes, then he loves you.
Yes, yes, I was being sarcastic.
You never know for sure if someone loves you or not. But that shouldn't matter. Some people love intensely but they love all wrong. What good is that? All you have to go on is how he makes you feel about yourself when you're with him. You can never be sure if someone loves you, but you can be sure when you feel loved. And if you do, you're way ahead of the curve.
But don't get too ahead of yourself. Dating for one month, and liking you a lot, does not mean "in love" yet. The notion of love at first site is as flawed as judging love by the amount of gifts you get. Give yourselves time to enjoy each other's company and to develop further affection for the other. Love is a slow brew.
He has a weight problem
Submitted on Friday, May 16, 2008
By Liz, 24, from California:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and things have been great. He has a weight problem though. He was overweight when I first started going out with him and that has never been a problem for me. He has been trying countlessly to lose weight using different diets but so far hasn't managed to lose or maintain a healthy weight. I have tried being the supportive gf, the mean gf, the 'I won't get involved' gf, I have tried everything I could possibly think of to help him out.
By Liz, 24, from California:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and things have been great. He has a weight problem though. He was overweight when I first started going out with him and that has never been a problem for me. He has been trying countlessly to lose weight using different diets but so far hasn't managed to lose or maintain a healthy weight. I have tried being the supportive gf, the mean gf, the 'I won't get involved' gf, I have tried everything I could possibly think of to help him out.
It's not the weight thing that is turning me off right now, it's his hopeless attitude that I find so upsetting. I don't want this ruining our relationship but the more he gives up, the more turned off I get. How can I help him lose the weight without making him feel self-conscious and embarrassed?
VictorM's advice:
Well, Liz, if I had the answer to that question, I'd be a very rich man.
Considering all that's involved with why some people gain weight while others don't, that modern medicine hasn't quite come to fully understand why that is, that diets are mostly ineffective, that our society makes it easy too easy to gain weight, and that the responsibility to succeed rests only with the person trying to lose weight, I'd say you're asking the wrong question.
What you should be asking is, do you want to stay in a relationship with a man who most likely will always be overweight, and as he ages, probably will put on more weight than he has now? I say this because I'm not convinced you're as OK with his weight problem as you suggest. If you were, you'd be looking to find ways to help him accept his excess weight and cease with the hopeless attempts at losing it. But that's not what you asked.
I'd encourage you to evaluate what really bothers you the most. I know there's societal pressure to not leave someone over their weight. Many will consider that being too superficial but I disagree. Being with an overweight partner is not for everyone. Besides the obvious implications of attractiveness, there are other issues to consider: health issues that person is likely to develop; the lifestyle restrictions most likely imposed; kids with possible similar problems; and the size of the grocery bill.
My belief is that leaving someone over their weight is as fair as leaving that person for any other reason, if you don't see yourself being happy with that person. Your happiness should come first, and if it helps to place your dissatisfaction on his hopeless attitude instead of his weight, fine, but above all, don't let this situation turn you into someone with a hopeless attitude.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Liz, if I had the answer to that question, I'd be a very rich man.
Considering all that's involved with why some people gain weight while others don't, that modern medicine hasn't quite come to fully understand why that is, that diets are mostly ineffective, that our society makes it easy too easy to gain weight, and that the responsibility to succeed rests only with the person trying to lose weight, I'd say you're asking the wrong question.
What you should be asking is, do you want to stay in a relationship with a man who most likely will always be overweight, and as he ages, probably will put on more weight than he has now? I say this because I'm not convinced you're as OK with his weight problem as you suggest. If you were, you'd be looking to find ways to help him accept his excess weight and cease with the hopeless attempts at losing it. But that's not what you asked.
I'd encourage you to evaluate what really bothers you the most. I know there's societal pressure to not leave someone over their weight. Many will consider that being too superficial but I disagree. Being with an overweight partner is not for everyone. Besides the obvious implications of attractiveness, there are other issues to consider: health issues that person is likely to develop; the lifestyle restrictions most likely imposed; kids with possible similar problems; and the size of the grocery bill.
My belief is that leaving someone over their weight is as fair as leaving that person for any other reason, if you don't see yourself being happy with that person. Your happiness should come first, and if it helps to place your dissatisfaction on his hopeless attitude instead of his weight, fine, but above all, don't let this situation turn you into someone with a hopeless attitude.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
"We're going to get married"
Submitted on Thursday, May 15, 2008
By Jenn, 20, from Jersey:
I've been best friends with this guy pretty much all my life. The past few years he's started saying things like "We're going to get married" to me, always out of the blue. He dates other girls often, we don't hang out too much, and I never date people (because I don't want to). Why does he say things like that to me? Does he have feelings for me or is he just saying it (maybe because for some odd reason he feels bad for me for not having a boyfriend.. even though it's my choice)?
PS - I don't have any feelings for him and he knows it (or at least he should know it).
VictorM's advice:
You never date people? OK... no wise cracks here. :-p
I think "we're getting married" is just an expression of praise. People often exaggerate compliments because they are uncomfortable saying them, so they praise people in ways that can be taken as humorous. People will say things like "You're the best in the world", or "I couldn't live without you", "You're the greatest", etc. If someone says something particularly witty or that we agree with, it's not uncommon for people to praise the remark by saying "wanna get married?"
Notice next time he says it. I bet you did or said something that he found cute or nice. But being too serious about the compliment either is not in his personality or he prefers to exaggerate so that you don't think he's showing interest in you.
OK... I'll bite... what do you date?
By Jenn, 20, from Jersey:
I've been best friends with this guy pretty much all my life. The past few years he's started saying things like "We're going to get married" to me, always out of the blue. He dates other girls often, we don't hang out too much, and I never date people (because I don't want to). Why does he say things like that to me? Does he have feelings for me or is he just saying it (maybe because for some odd reason he feels bad for me for not having a boyfriend.. even though it's my choice)?
PS - I don't have any feelings for him and he knows it (or at least he should know it).
VictorM's advice:
You never date people? OK... no wise cracks here. :-p
I think "we're getting married" is just an expression of praise. People often exaggerate compliments because they are uncomfortable saying them, so they praise people in ways that can be taken as humorous. People will say things like "You're the best in the world", or "I couldn't live without you", "You're the greatest", etc. If someone says something particularly witty or that we agree with, it's not uncommon for people to praise the remark by saying "wanna get married?"
Notice next time he says it. I bet you did or said something that he found cute or nice. But being too serious about the compliment either is not in his personality or he prefers to exaggerate so that you don't think he's showing interest in you.
OK... I'll bite... what do you date?
I ended up telling him that I still loved him
Submitted on Thursday, May 15, 2008
By Monica, 16, from Laredo, TX.:
ok, i have this ex of mine that i still have feelings for, and well i'm trying to get him back since i was the one who broke up with him in the first place. So, I ended up telling him that I still loved him and i asked him do you still feel the same way? He answered through a text i sent him and he said i can't answer that right now. Then, i ended up asking him out (i know what i dumbass, but hey.. love makes you do crazy things) but through text. He texted back saying he need some time. Which still has me thinking..what does he mean by that? Does he still love me? Or he doesnt? What should i do if i really love him a lot :(
VictorM's advice:
You love him a lot but you broke up with him? *scratches head* Anyway... if I were in his shoes I'd think twice about getting back together with you, specially if I liked you a lot. I suspect that's what he's doing. He may also may want to make you pay by taking his time for you having dumped him once before. Of course, there's a good chance he's come to realize that life goes on without you and why bother going back? In any case, when you're so hooked on a guy and you let him know, you put yourself at his mercy.
You have let him know that you'd want to get back together. If you haven't yet, you should explain and apologize (if that applies) for the last break up. And then wait.
By Monica, 16, from Laredo, TX.:
ok, i have this ex of mine that i still have feelings for, and well i'm trying to get him back since i was the one who broke up with him in the first place. So, I ended up telling him that I still loved him and i asked him do you still feel the same way? He answered through a text i sent him and he said i can't answer that right now. Then, i ended up asking him out (i know what i dumbass, but hey.. love makes you do crazy things) but through text. He texted back saying he need some time. Which still has me thinking..what does he mean by that? Does he still love me? Or he doesnt? What should i do if i really love him a lot :(
VictorM's advice:
You love him a lot but you broke up with him? *scratches head* Anyway... if I were in his shoes I'd think twice about getting back together with you, specially if I liked you a lot. I suspect that's what he's doing. He may also may want to make you pay by taking his time for you having dumped him once before. Of course, there's a good chance he's come to realize that life goes on without you and why bother going back? In any case, when you're so hooked on a guy and you let him know, you put yourself at his mercy.
You have let him know that you'd want to get back together. If you haven't yet, you should explain and apologize (if that applies) for the last break up. And then wait.
Taking a year off from dating
Submitted on Thursday, May 15, 2008
By Jessie, 22, from Omaha:
Very long story, very short. I've been friends with this guy for a while. But just this semester we started hanging out one on one. Staying up until 4 am talking multiple nights, texting, etc. We have a lot of mutual friends. My best friend is dating his best friend. The four of us hang out a lot (esp. following his suggestion that the four of us do dinner). He was taking year off from dating and that is almost up. But I'm not sure if he will want to be more than friends. And I'm not sure what to do. I do not think the girl should make the first move. Sometimes I think he likes me as more, like when he takes me to dinner just the two of us and pays and sometimes I don't at all, like when he says: "talk to you later, friend" when chatting online. Is the FRIEND thing the dead give away? Do guys say stuff like that on purpose to give girls hints? What do I do?
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
What do you do? Exercise patience and keep doing what you're doing.
Guys like to go slow, get to know the girl before jumping to the relationship thing. I know you girls just want to get hooked and then change the guy to suit you, but guys aren't like that. He's going out to dinners and talking to you because he wants to know more about you. If a red flag arises, he can just walk away without the drama of a breakup.
Guys are so smart. :-p
By Jessie, 22, from Omaha:
Very long story, very short. I've been friends with this guy for a while. But just this semester we started hanging out one on one. Staying up until 4 am talking multiple nights, texting, etc. We have a lot of mutual friends. My best friend is dating his best friend. The four of us hang out a lot (esp. following his suggestion that the four of us do dinner). He was taking year off from dating and that is almost up. But I'm not sure if he will want to be more than friends. And I'm not sure what to do. I do not think the girl should make the first move. Sometimes I think he likes me as more, like when he takes me to dinner just the two of us and pays and sometimes I don't at all, like when he says: "talk to you later, friend" when chatting online. Is the FRIEND thing the dead give away? Do guys say stuff like that on purpose to give girls hints? What do I do?
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
What do you do? Exercise patience and keep doing what you're doing.
Guys like to go slow, get to know the girl before jumping to the relationship thing. I know you girls just want to get hooked and then change the guy to suit you, but guys aren't like that. He's going out to dinners and talking to you because he wants to know more about you. If a red flag arises, he can just walk away without the drama of a breakup.
Guys are so smart. :-p
He has been getting angry at everything
Submitted on Wednesday, May 14, 2008
By candice, 22, from british columbia:
ok here it goes. My fince and I have been together for 6 years now with plans to get married. Lately he has been getting angry at everything I say or do, always thinks he is right, and never takes responsibility for his actions. I am a counselling student and I know how to defuse situations and use "I messages". I am a full time university student, a part time worker, I cook, clean, sew, do laundry, bake, and all other household duties. My guy works shifts out of town for up to 20 days at a time, and when he comes home it is like the honeymoon stage for 2 days then he finds something to bitch about. I feel like nothing I say or do is good enough. When we fight I remain calm as possible, but sometimes I need to take a time out. Lately he just seems to get angry at me for everything. I always take responsibility for being moody or my behaviour, and he always feels that arguements are my fault. He doesn't listen to how I feel or even seem to care. The question is what am I doing wrong, and how do I communicate with the man I love?
By candice, 22, from british columbia:
ok here it goes. My fince and I have been together for 6 years now with plans to get married. Lately he has been getting angry at everything I say or do, always thinks he is right, and never takes responsibility for his actions. I am a counselling student and I know how to defuse situations and use "I messages". I am a full time university student, a part time worker, I cook, clean, sew, do laundry, bake, and all other household duties. My guy works shifts out of town for up to 20 days at a time, and when he comes home it is like the honeymoon stage for 2 days then he finds something to bitch about. I feel like nothing I say or do is good enough. When we fight I remain calm as possible, but sometimes I need to take a time out. Lately he just seems to get angry at me for everything. I always take responsibility for being moody or my behaviour, and he always feels that arguements are my fault. He doesn't listen to how I feel or even seem to care. The question is what am I doing wrong, and how do I communicate with the man I love?
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I think the root cause of your problem is this: "The question is what am I doing wrong..." Your assumption that you're doing something wrong and are looking so hard to make things right is coming across as a sign of weakness.
I often advise people to use the "I" messages, but in your case, you have tried it and it's not working. Time for new measures.
Put your foot down! Time for some tough love. Stop explaining or justifying yourself. If he complains about your food, pick up the plate and drop the food on his head and tell him to cook himself. Well... OK, maybe you don't want to be so drastic, but my message to you is "stop taking his shit!". Have a fit, go nuts, scream out of the top of your lungs, shock him so he realizes that you have a line that he can't cross.
I know, you're probably wondering... what if he calls off the wedding and breaks-up with you? If that happens, I would say it's what he has been looking for and you might as well avoid the whole mess and end it now. But what's most likely is that he's just asserting more authority and control over the relationship. I'm not saying he's doing it conscientiously, but he's doing it anyway and you must stop him.
VictorM's advice:
I think the root cause of your problem is this: "The question is what am I doing wrong..." Your assumption that you're doing something wrong and are looking so hard to make things right is coming across as a sign of weakness.
I often advise people to use the "I" messages, but in your case, you have tried it and it's not working. Time for new measures.
Put your foot down! Time for some tough love. Stop explaining or justifying yourself. If he complains about your food, pick up the plate and drop the food on his head and tell him to cook himself. Well... OK, maybe you don't want to be so drastic, but my message to you is "stop taking his shit!". Have a fit, go nuts, scream out of the top of your lungs, shock him so he realizes that you have a line that he can't cross.
I know, you're probably wondering... what if he calls off the wedding and breaks-up with you? If that happens, I would say it's what he has been looking for and you might as well avoid the whole mess and end it now. But what's most likely is that he's just asserting more authority and control over the relationship. I'm not saying he's doing it conscientiously, but he's doing it anyway and you must stop him.
I am smitten with a Greek man
Submitted on Wednesday, May 14, 2008
By Marron, 24, from Cincinnati:
I am smitten with a Greek man who recently moved to the United States. Whenever I am confused about his behavior, I attribute it to the fact that he's not American-- still there must be a universal code for men!
We saw each other about once a week and had sex three months after knowing each other. We never established a relationship. The first time we had sex, he stopped literally two minutes into it and was quite upset. He started talking about some girl in Greece and apologized profusely. He said that he couldn't have sex with me even though he liked me because of her. I asked if he loved her and he said no, but that there was an obligation and emphasized the fact that that they weren't together. The next time we saw each other, we had sex without interruption.
One day he overheard me talking about him-- in a very profane manner. (I was upset about something). In any case, he was very aloof and detached but I spent the night and we had sex. The next day he told me that the girl in Greece called him everyday and that at first he didn't like it... but now he likes it. He went on to say that she was coming to see him for a month. Quite hurt, I told him that it probably wasn't a good idea to see him anymore because I was starting to like him (which was a bold lie as I was already quite attached). Before I left, he told me that I wasn't ordinary and that was why he liked me.
For two months, there wasn't much correspondence. I did, however, tell him via chat that what happened between us hurt me. He responded that it hurt him as well and that there were many things he wanted to say but thought best to keep inside. He then said it was all his fault.
A couple of days ago, I requested him to send me a list of songs he played for me once. He offered to give me the songs and asked me how I preferred to have them because he was not very tech savvy (he isn't). I suggested email-- he suggested that I get the songs from him directly.
I met him at his apartment and it was awkward for me because I felt so nervous. We didn't touch -- it was all pretty friendly other than the tension. I might have stayed longer, but his friend texted asking for a ride home. As I was gathering my things, he asked me if I wanted to arrange it so that we could see each other once more before I left the state for the summer. I told him I would love to see him again. I embraced him at the door and kissed his neck and he said that I looked nice and kissed me on the cheek. I remained standing very close to him, hoping he would kiss me... but after about a second, he said that he had to pick his friend up.
So tell me... Does he just want to be friends and will only end up resenting me if I keep pressuring him into something more? Or do you think he's just holding back because of some 'girl' in Greece?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if the Greek girl is real or imaginary, but either way, it served pretty well the purpose of keeping you at a distance. Even now, indications are that while he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, and may indeed like you as a person, he doesn't see you as serious material.
Maybe there is a girl in Greece, maybe there isn't, but either way, there's no American from Cincinnati in his life. There's a good chance you sabotaged your own standing by saying you were falling for him AFTER you have had sex. If you had fallen for him before the sex he may have a different impression of you.
Relationships that start with sex have a low record of success. If the Greek part of him has anything to do with this, is that he's even more likely to expect a woman to play hard to get than your average American male.
I doubt very much that pressure will serve to do anything other than make him lose respect and friendship for you. Your odds, slim as they may be, are to keep a distance and make yourself a challenge for him, in case he still has the slightest interest in you.
By Marron, 24, from Cincinnati:
I am smitten with a Greek man who recently moved to the United States. Whenever I am confused about his behavior, I attribute it to the fact that he's not American-- still there must be a universal code for men!
We saw each other about once a week and had sex three months after knowing each other. We never established a relationship. The first time we had sex, he stopped literally two minutes into it and was quite upset. He started talking about some girl in Greece and apologized profusely. He said that he couldn't have sex with me even though he liked me because of her. I asked if he loved her and he said no, but that there was an obligation and emphasized the fact that that they weren't together. The next time we saw each other, we had sex without interruption.
One day he overheard me talking about him-- in a very profane manner. (I was upset about something). In any case, he was very aloof and detached but I spent the night and we had sex. The next day he told me that the girl in Greece called him everyday and that at first he didn't like it... but now he likes it. He went on to say that she was coming to see him for a month. Quite hurt, I told him that it probably wasn't a good idea to see him anymore because I was starting to like him (which was a bold lie as I was already quite attached). Before I left, he told me that I wasn't ordinary and that was why he liked me.
For two months, there wasn't much correspondence. I did, however, tell him via chat that what happened between us hurt me. He responded that it hurt him as well and that there were many things he wanted to say but thought best to keep inside. He then said it was all his fault.
A couple of days ago, I requested him to send me a list of songs he played for me once. He offered to give me the songs and asked me how I preferred to have them because he was not very tech savvy (he isn't). I suggested email-- he suggested that I get the songs from him directly.
I met him at his apartment and it was awkward for me because I felt so nervous. We didn't touch -- it was all pretty friendly other than the tension. I might have stayed longer, but his friend texted asking for a ride home. As I was gathering my things, he asked me if I wanted to arrange it so that we could see each other once more before I left the state for the summer. I told him I would love to see him again. I embraced him at the door and kissed his neck and he said that I looked nice and kissed me on the cheek. I remained standing very close to him, hoping he would kiss me... but after about a second, he said that he had to pick his friend up.
So tell me... Does he just want to be friends and will only end up resenting me if I keep pressuring him into something more? Or do you think he's just holding back because of some 'girl' in Greece?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if the Greek girl is real or imaginary, but either way, it served pretty well the purpose of keeping you at a distance. Even now, indications are that while he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, and may indeed like you as a person, he doesn't see you as serious material.
Maybe there is a girl in Greece, maybe there isn't, but either way, there's no American from Cincinnati in his life. There's a good chance you sabotaged your own standing by saying you were falling for him AFTER you have had sex. If you had fallen for him before the sex he may have a different impression of you.
Relationships that start with sex have a low record of success. If the Greek part of him has anything to do with this, is that he's even more likely to expect a woman to play hard to get than your average American male.
I doubt very much that pressure will serve to do anything other than make him lose respect and friendship for you. Your odds, slim as they may be, are to keep a distance and make yourself a challenge for him, in case he still has the slightest interest in you.
Friday, May 16, 2008
When we came back he made his move and kissed me
Submitted on Wednesday, May 14, 2008
By MICHELLE, 25, from MORENO VALLEY, CA:
So there is this guy that at first I thought was very interested in me but always said oh we should go watch a movie but we never really end up doing anything. Finally I gave him my number and he called. We talked every day and then now it's only when I call. He is 6 yrs older than me. I'm mature for my age so we have a lot in common. He recently had lasik surgery and I took him we slept on the same bed but nothing happened he didn't try to make a move but also he was sedated. but he treated me like if we were dating that whole weekend. Then finally when we came back he made his move and kissed me. He wanted more but I didn't want to rush things. Now when I talk to him he's not as energetic when I used to see him. What do you think is going on? I still talk to him like always. He is not the type to be a player. From what I know he's a very mellow guy. Doesn't drink, doesn't party. family oriented, and just got out of a serious relationship about 8 months ago.
VictorM's advice:
Well, you put the brakes on his advance towards you, so he's slowed down. Besides, it's normal for the intensity of the first few days or weeks to drop a few notches. He's more secure about where you two stand and therefore there's more calmness now.
Of course, he could be losing interest in you but why think negative thoughts?
By MICHELLE, 25, from MORENO VALLEY, CA:
So there is this guy that at first I thought was very interested in me but always said oh we should go watch a movie but we never really end up doing anything. Finally I gave him my number and he called. We talked every day and then now it's only when I call. He is 6 yrs older than me. I'm mature for my age so we have a lot in common. He recently had lasik surgery and I took him we slept on the same bed but nothing happened he didn't try to make a move but also he was sedated. but he treated me like if we were dating that whole weekend. Then finally when we came back he made his move and kissed me. He wanted more but I didn't want to rush things. Now when I talk to him he's not as energetic when I used to see him. What do you think is going on? I still talk to him like always. He is not the type to be a player. From what I know he's a very mellow guy. Doesn't drink, doesn't party. family oriented, and just got out of a serious relationship about 8 months ago.
VictorM's advice:
Well, you put the brakes on his advance towards you, so he's slowed down. Besides, it's normal for the intensity of the first few days or weeks to drop a few notches. He's more secure about where you two stand and therefore there's more calmness now.
Of course, he could be losing interest in you but why think negative thoughts?
Just sex
Submitted on Wednesday, May 14, 2008
By Monica, 26, from ill:
How can you tell if a guy wants a relationship with you or just sex?
VictorM's advice:
Don't have sex for a while and see if he sticks around.
But really, if you're skeptical you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Relationships are hard enough. Start without trust and chances are you're getting nowhere.
By Monica, 26, from ill:
How can you tell if a guy wants a relationship with you or just sex?
VictorM's advice:
Don't have sex for a while and see if he sticks around.
But really, if you're skeptical you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Relationships are hard enough. Start without trust and chances are you're getting nowhere.
He's so shy and doesn't seem the "boyfriend type."
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Kristi, 22, from New York:
Um, well my boyfriend is really nice and is better talking on the phone but when it comes to the public, he's so shy and doesn't seem the "boyfriend type." What does it mean?
VictorM's advice:
It just means he doesn't like to show emotion in public. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you; it's all about how he feels about himself. Chances are he grew-up in a family where affection wasn't shown or was even rediculed.
The best bet would be for him to see a professional therapist. At a minimum, discuss this with him but don't put him on the defensive. Show sympathy and understanding and offer to help.
If he's willing to try, I suggest you step back and realize that he's not going to change overnight. If you make an effort to show affection in public towards him, start small. Maybe just holding hands. Build up his level of trust. Reward him when he does something that shows progress. Yeah, just like training a puppy.
By Kristi, 22, from New York:
Um, well my boyfriend is really nice and is better talking on the phone but when it comes to the public, he's so shy and doesn't seem the "boyfriend type." What does it mean?
VictorM's advice:
It just means he doesn't like to show emotion in public. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you; it's all about how he feels about himself. Chances are he grew-up in a family where affection wasn't shown or was even rediculed.
The best bet would be for him to see a professional therapist. At a minimum, discuss this with him but don't put him on the defensive. Show sympathy and understanding and offer to help.
If he's willing to try, I suggest you step back and realize that he's not going to change overnight. If you make an effort to show affection in public towards him, start small. Maybe just holding hands. Build up his level of trust. Reward him when he does something that shows progress. Yeah, just like training a puppy.
Nothing has happened
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Tiffany, 13, from Coppell:
There is a guy that I like a lot. But he is confusing me so bad right now! About a month and a half ago, we told each other we like each other, and nothing has happened. Sometimes, he makes it completely obvious that he likes me, other times, he makes me feel like I am nothing!!!
At our last dance, he had gone over to my house with one of my friends and we had a great time!! but then...we went to the dance, and he left me to play volleyball with his (ex? =.) crush. He promised that he would go dance with me soon...and he never came...and I cried later that night at the dance (long story) and he got really upset that I was crying because of him, and started crying!!! And, he went on myspace and wrote that he was really mad at himself because he had ruined his only chance...and said sorry, and that he liked me alot and that he never wanted to see me cry again. ='] I felt so good.
Or, like yesterday, when in math class, he came over to me and was sitting by me...we were talking and laughing...it was great (although we didn't finish our work =p)But then, today, he seemed totally distant and in a really bad mood, and hardly even talked to me, except when he came over and sat by me in math and said that the movie we were watching was gay!
A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me...and I guess he might be, but I don't know, because then I talk to him and he makes me feel like he does like me a lot!! HELP!!
He always listens to me, and notices when I am around...we always make eye contact and smile, but I don't know, he is confusing me...
Oh...and one of my friends suggested me asking HIM out... would that be wierd? =. and is it a good idea...or do I just need to move on?
VictorM's advice:
"A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me". What? Using you for what? Do you girls even know what that means or do you all go to some school to learn these dumb things? I think a lot of your friends are just plain wacky!
Enjoy the good times and give him some slack when he's moody. His moods really aren't a reflections of his feelings for you. It's just that hormones are flooding his system and it causes all kinds of unpredictable reactions. That's why boys are so moody, specially at your age. Your friend sounds very normal to me.
You could ask him out to a movie or something, but it's best to let him do it. Boys your age need to built up their confidence and asking a girl out is one of those things they prefer to do, even if it can take a while for them to get the courage to do it.
By Tiffany, 13, from Coppell:
There is a guy that I like a lot. But he is confusing me so bad right now! About a month and a half ago, we told each other we like each other, and nothing has happened. Sometimes, he makes it completely obvious that he likes me, other times, he makes me feel like I am nothing!!!
At our last dance, he had gone over to my house with one of my friends and we had a great time!! but then...we went to the dance, and he left me to play volleyball with his (ex? =.) crush. He promised that he would go dance with me soon...and he never came...and I cried later that night at the dance (long story) and he got really upset that I was crying because of him, and started crying!!! And, he went on myspace and wrote that he was really mad at himself because he had ruined his only chance...and said sorry, and that he liked me alot and that he never wanted to see me cry again. ='] I felt so good.
Or, like yesterday, when in math class, he came over to me and was sitting by me...we were talking and laughing...it was great (although we didn't finish our work =p)But then, today, he seemed totally distant and in a really bad mood, and hardly even talked to me, except when he came over and sat by me in math and said that the movie we were watching was gay!
A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me...and I guess he might be, but I don't know, because then I talk to him and he makes me feel like he does like me a lot!! HELP!!
He always listens to me, and notices when I am around...we always make eye contact and smile, but I don't know, he is confusing me...
Oh...and one of my friends suggested me asking HIM out... would that be wierd? =. and is it a good idea...or do I just need to move on?
VictorM's advice:
"A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me". What? Using you for what? Do you girls even know what that means or do you all go to some school to learn these dumb things? I think a lot of your friends are just plain wacky!
Enjoy the good times and give him some slack when he's moody. His moods really aren't a reflections of his feelings for you. It's just that hormones are flooding his system and it causes all kinds of unpredictable reactions. That's why boys are so moody, specially at your age. Your friend sounds very normal to me.
You could ask him out to a movie or something, but it's best to let him do it. Boys your age need to built up their confidence and asking a girl out is one of those things they prefer to do, even if it can take a while for them to get the courage to do it.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
He just walks away from me
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By kristin, 13, from ma:
There's this really cute guy I like A LOT!!! He flirts with me in some classes and my friends notice but he smiles at me and we tell jokes but when he walks near his girlfriend and I'm with him he just walks away from me..like he doesn't know me. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Pay attention to his behavior but do nothing else.
How he behaves now is how he will behave if you ever become his girlfriend. How would you like it if he flirted with another girl behind your back?
By kristin, 13, from ma:
There's this really cute guy I like A LOT!!! He flirts with me in some classes and my friends notice but he smiles at me and we tell jokes but when he walks near his girlfriend and I'm with him he just walks away from me..like he doesn't know me. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Pay attention to his behavior but do nothing else.
How he behaves now is how he will behave if you ever become his girlfriend. How would you like it if he flirted with another girl behind your back?
How do I know if the man really loves me?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By lynie lissa, 24, from abu dhabi:
How do I know if the man really loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Do you honestly feel loved by him? If you don't, he doesn't love you, not matter what he says. If you do, that's as close as you can get. There are no guarantees. Besides, being sure would be a bore and would just make you lazy.
Love = work. Keep working every day because success today doesn't guarantee success tomorrow.
By lynie lissa, 24, from abu dhabi:
How do I know if the man really loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Do you honestly feel loved by him? If you don't, he doesn't love you, not matter what he says. If you do, that's as close as you can get. There are no guarantees. Besides, being sure would be a bore and would just make you lazy.
Love = work. Keep working every day because success today doesn't guarantee success tomorrow.
Taking a step back
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Sandra, 31, from Los Angeles:
I met a guy online in Aug and we wrote back and forth. We met in person in January and our first date lasted 21 hours. It was very intense from the start and lasted that way about 4 months. Along the way I have learned he is a workaholic and is also overwhelmed with the amount of work that has been put on his plate.
He lives an hour away (without traffic) so we don't see each other during the week. He works 6 days a week, so if he has other plans on a Saturday, it means we go 2 weeks without seeing each other. This has made me upset and I think it makes him feel more stressed out that I get upset about how little we see each other. He has asked to take a step back and at first I thought he meant breaking up. I asked him if he was looking for a way out, and he said no. So, now I have accepted taking a step back - kind of like dating because we skipped that step and went straight to being bf and gf.
The sex is amazing, we get along great, we have so much fun when we're together, we're highly attracted to each other and share many interests and values. I told him I was afraid I wasn't enough for him - that maybe there's a girl out there that would make him feel that commitment that would pull him away from work and give the relationship more time. But he said that I was what he's looking for, beautiful, intelligent, worldly perspective, etc. I feel that he does want us to have a chance, but work is his priority and wonder if that will ever change. He's 27.
Now, I have some questions - if we're taking a step back, do I withhold sex a bit to make him miss me/ want me more again? Do I let him do all the calling like I did the first month after we met? How long should I stay in this dating stage, especially considering we've already experienced such intensity beforehand? Do you think we can move past this and establish a stable relationship? Is he just hanging onto me because I'm a sure thing?
Some enlightenment would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Sandra
VictorM's advice:
I have a question of my own. What will taking a step back accomplish? He's still a workaholic and you're still not seeing him as much as you'd like. So I just don't see the point.
You also seem to be very lackadaisical about him being a workaholic. Do you realize how terrible to a relationship that can be? If he's this way during the early stages of the courtship, what do you think will happen later?
Anyway... on to answering your question:
If you're stepping back to a dating only situation, you should behave accordingly. Would you have sex with such a guy? I don't think you should have/not have sex as a ploy to get him to miss you -- that really doesn't work anyway. You should behave based on your value system.
I believe that going back to dating accomplishes nothing so I can't say how long you should stay in that mode because frankly, I don't think you should be in that mode. You should be in the mode of either understanding the situation and trying to make it work, or you should move on.
I don't believe you can establish a good relationship because you're basically saying that it's OK for his work to take priority over you. That just spells disaster in the long run. Besides, I really do believe that taking a step back is just a way of taking a step away.
He's not hanging on to you because you're a sure thing; he's going along because he doesn't want to make you cry and come across as the bad guy. Sure, he's likely to take the sex if it's on the table, but if sex is all he wanted he wouldn't be taking a step back. I think between the two of you he's the only one seeing the futility of your predicament, he just lacks the courage to say it straight out.
By Sandra, 31, from Los Angeles:
I met a guy online in Aug and we wrote back and forth. We met in person in January and our first date lasted 21 hours. It was very intense from the start and lasted that way about 4 months. Along the way I have learned he is a workaholic and is also overwhelmed with the amount of work that has been put on his plate.
He lives an hour away (without traffic) so we don't see each other during the week. He works 6 days a week, so if he has other plans on a Saturday, it means we go 2 weeks without seeing each other. This has made me upset and I think it makes him feel more stressed out that I get upset about how little we see each other. He has asked to take a step back and at first I thought he meant breaking up. I asked him if he was looking for a way out, and he said no. So, now I have accepted taking a step back - kind of like dating because we skipped that step and went straight to being bf and gf.
The sex is amazing, we get along great, we have so much fun when we're together, we're highly attracted to each other and share many interests and values. I told him I was afraid I wasn't enough for him - that maybe there's a girl out there that would make him feel that commitment that would pull him away from work and give the relationship more time. But he said that I was what he's looking for, beautiful, intelligent, worldly perspective, etc. I feel that he does want us to have a chance, but work is his priority and wonder if that will ever change. He's 27.
Now, I have some questions - if we're taking a step back, do I withhold sex a bit to make him miss me/ want me more again? Do I let him do all the calling like I did the first month after we met? How long should I stay in this dating stage, especially considering we've already experienced such intensity beforehand? Do you think we can move past this and establish a stable relationship? Is he just hanging onto me because I'm a sure thing?
Some enlightenment would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Sandra
VictorM's advice:
I have a question of my own. What will taking a step back accomplish? He's still a workaholic and you're still not seeing him as much as you'd like. So I just don't see the point.
You also seem to be very lackadaisical about him being a workaholic. Do you realize how terrible to a relationship that can be? If he's this way during the early stages of the courtship, what do you think will happen later?
Anyway... on to answering your question:
If you're stepping back to a dating only situation, you should behave accordingly. Would you have sex with such a guy? I don't think you should have/not have sex as a ploy to get him to miss you -- that really doesn't work anyway. You should behave based on your value system.
I believe that going back to dating accomplishes nothing so I can't say how long you should stay in that mode because frankly, I don't think you should be in that mode. You should be in the mode of either understanding the situation and trying to make it work, or you should move on.
I don't believe you can establish a good relationship because you're basically saying that it's OK for his work to take priority over you. That just spells disaster in the long run. Besides, I really do believe that taking a step back is just a way of taking a step away.
He's not hanging on to you because you're a sure thing; he's going along because he doesn't want to make you cry and come across as the bad guy. Sure, he's likely to take the sex if it's on the table, but if sex is all he wanted he wouldn't be taking a step back. I think between the two of you he's the only one seeing the futility of your predicament, he just lacks the courage to say it straight out.
Did I just get played?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Hanajay, 18, from UK:
Ok so I've known this guy for about a year not very well but about a month ago maybe more he got my number and non stop we were texting each other for a week. He was saying things like "I've finally got your number I can actually tell you what I think of you with out all the nerves" and "I think that we would be good together" being really sweet. Then one weekend he said he wanted to see me soon, so he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk or something. It was my brother's birthday so I thought I'd invite him (he's close with my brother). Then we both ended up getting way too drunk and ended up sleeping together which both of us know was not meant to happen. He then later on told me he wanted to be friends with me. I saw him the next week in town he was drunk so was I. I was really angry so I called him a player. He said "I'm not a player the only playing I do is cards" and "I just wanted to take it slow". I haven't seen him or spoke to him since but I was talking to his best mate today and I said "how's the player" he replied "he's not a player he just doesn't know how to handle the situation" and "he really liked you but you slept together and you're his mate he doesn't know what to say to that" and "none of it would have happened if you two never slept together." So obviuosly I'm slightly confused on whether I just got played or whether he's scared of commitment or what. Have any ideas??
VictorM's advice:
You didn't get played and he's not afraid of commitment. You simply jumped way ahead of where he's like to be and he was trying to get back to the starting point. But you're being a dick about it.
Chances are he has realized that there's nothing appealing about a girl who gets drunk and acts like a dick. If he's smart, he has moved on.
By Hanajay, 18, from UK:
Ok so I've known this guy for about a year not very well but about a month ago maybe more he got my number and non stop we were texting each other for a week. He was saying things like "I've finally got your number I can actually tell you what I think of you with out all the nerves" and "I think that we would be good together" being really sweet. Then one weekend he said he wanted to see me soon, so he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk or something. It was my brother's birthday so I thought I'd invite him (he's close with my brother). Then we both ended up getting way too drunk and ended up sleeping together which both of us know was not meant to happen. He then later on told me he wanted to be friends with me. I saw him the next week in town he was drunk so was I. I was really angry so I called him a player. He said "I'm not a player the only playing I do is cards" and "I just wanted to take it slow". I haven't seen him or spoke to him since but I was talking to his best mate today and I said "how's the player" he replied "he's not a player he just doesn't know how to handle the situation" and "he really liked you but you slept together and you're his mate he doesn't know what to say to that" and "none of it would have happened if you two never slept together." So obviuosly I'm slightly confused on whether I just got played or whether he's scared of commitment or what. Have any ideas??
VictorM's advice:
You didn't get played and he's not afraid of commitment. You simply jumped way ahead of where he's like to be and he was trying to get back to the starting point. But you're being a dick about it.
Chances are he has realized that there's nothing appealing about a girl who gets drunk and acts like a dick. If he's smart, he has moved on.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Complicated
Submitted on Monday, May 12, 2008
By christine, 41, from livermore:
What is your conclusion on this:
A man who acts really mean to his girlfriend while he's around or talking to other females? He acts like he doesn't love or need you when he's around his guys or acquaintances. But when he's with you alone, he acts like a puppy that needs love and you.
VictorM's advice:
This is sorta like "Complicated", the Avril Lavigne song, isn't it?
I like you the way you are
When we're, driving in my car
And you're talking to me
One on one
But you become
Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool
To me
Talk to him about it and help him to see a professional therapist. Your guy probably came from a family where showing affection in public was seen as an act of weakness. It's doubtful that he can change on his own, even if he wanted to. He has to get to the bottom of why this is happening.
I would not write him off provided he recognizes the problem and is willing to do something about it.
By christine, 41, from livermore:
What is your conclusion on this:
A man who acts really mean to his girlfriend while he's around or talking to other females? He acts like he doesn't love or need you when he's around his guys or acquaintances. But when he's with you alone, he acts like a puppy that needs love and you.
VictorM's advice:
This is sorta like "Complicated", the Avril Lavigne song, isn't it?
I like you the way you are
When we're, driving in my car
And you're talking to me
One on one
But you become
Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool
To me
Talk to him about it and help him to see a professional therapist. Your guy probably came from a family where showing affection in public was seen as an act of weakness. It's doubtful that he can change on his own, even if he wanted to. He has to get to the bottom of why this is happening.
I would not write him off provided he recognizes the problem and is willing to do something about it.
Is it bad to tell a guy you like him?
Submitted on Sunday, May 11, 2008
By Jamie, 16, from Colorado:
So, the guy I like recently became aware of that fact. His reaction was, "Hmm. That's good to know." I totally don't know how to read that or what to do. I want to just forget about it, but I can't move on. He's really sweet, gets along with everyone, and we're into the same things. What do I do? Is it bad to tell a guy you like him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it generally is a mistake to tell a guy you like him. Why? Because it feeds his ego and guys start thinking... hey, if Jamie likes me, maybe Suzy, or Carol, or Amber, or Bambi like me too. And it most likely to set them off to see who else they can get because they know that Jamie is a sure thing. Guys don't really like a sure thing; they like mystery and conquest and a challenge. Now, you provide none of those.
What to do? Start giving him a bit of the cold shoulder. That does not mean be rude, it just means don't pay him a lot of attention. Then, he's likely to start wondering what's the matter with you and voila! you become a mystery. This is why playing hard to get pays off.
By Jamie, 16, from Colorado:
So, the guy I like recently became aware of that fact. His reaction was, "Hmm. That's good to know." I totally don't know how to read that or what to do. I want to just forget about it, but I can't move on. He's really sweet, gets along with everyone, and we're into the same things. What do I do? Is it bad to tell a guy you like him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it generally is a mistake to tell a guy you like him. Why? Because it feeds his ego and guys start thinking... hey, if Jamie likes me, maybe Suzy, or Carol, or Amber, or Bambi like me too. And it most likely to set them off to see who else they can get because they know that Jamie is a sure thing. Guys don't really like a sure thing; they like mystery and conquest and a challenge. Now, you provide none of those.
What to do? Start giving him a bit of the cold shoulder. That does not mean be rude, it just means don't pay him a lot of attention. Then, he's likely to start wondering what's the matter with you and voila! you become a mystery. This is why playing hard to get pays off.
He apparently didn't save my number
Submitted on Sunday, May 11, 2008
By celeste willis, 37, from Canterbury:
I smsed a guy twice, he replied but apparently didn't save my number and could not make it to an outing I organised with friends. He apologised through a friend and then in person only because we happen to run into each other. Is this guy not interested? I feel that he may not be. I gave him another chance and invited him spontaneously to catch up just for a drink after work and he said he couldn't make it. I find it hard to believe that a guy who your friends claim is keen on you loses your number.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have lost your number. Losing, misplacing, erasing, forgetting... this stuff happens all the time. Then you asked him to a drink "spontaneously" and you're expecting the guy to jump at your request. But come on, people have lives, commitments, appointments, etc.
Give the guy another chance.
By celeste willis, 37, from Canterbury:
I smsed a guy twice, he replied but apparently didn't save my number and could not make it to an outing I organised with friends. He apologised through a friend and then in person only because we happen to run into each other. Is this guy not interested? I feel that he may not be. I gave him another chance and invited him spontaneously to catch up just for a drink after work and he said he couldn't make it. I find it hard to believe that a guy who your friends claim is keen on you loses your number.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have lost your number. Losing, misplacing, erasing, forgetting... this stuff happens all the time. Then you asked him to a drink "spontaneously" and you're expecting the guy to jump at your request. But come on, people have lives, commitments, appointments, etc.
Give the guy another chance.
I'm not Tibetan
Submitted on Saturday, May 10, 2008
By Helen, 18, from Nyc:
First off I would like to, with all my heart, thank you for your time in giving true advice (what you do is immensely honorable). I would really appreciate your help with this situation that I currently find myself in, for I lack experience and therefore don't know how to approach this in the correct way. So I've never had a relationship before and have always just dated (even if its months on end with the same person). In the end of March I met this guy at an auto show whom was friends with a friend of a friend(its a group of college buddies really). We all go to the same university but he is a junior and i am a freshman. He is Tibetan and he is proud of his culture and truly supports his country. Anyways we met that day and as a group of seven people we decided to go have lunch and then we went to this candlelight gathering in a movement to raise awareness to Free Tibet. Well afterwards we all agreed to go play some pool at our universities hall and him and I went to buy a couple of beers for our group. He drank a bit that night and well nothing much happened other than we held hands and he seemed he was pretty much interested in me. I don't know much about the Asian culture but soon learned that they tend to be reserved. Anyways since that time we have had dates and all month of April we were getting really close and intimate. Then just last week he kindof stopped texting and calling and at first I was worried that something happened but then again we were starting Finals week so I just thought that maybe he was very busy preparing for finals. We didn't speak AT ALL for about four days and I admit that I was pretty heartbroken...I am a proud individual and if he was pulling the "i am no longer interested in you..therefore I will not be calling anymore so you will get the message", then I acted the same way back. This tuesday one of my closest friends had lunch with him (since she is also a friend of his) and throughout the whole lunch he spoke about me and what he "had"/ "Are". So he said:
1. That because I'm not Tibetan, he thinks that he is wasting my time for he could NEVER introduce me to his family (I'm white)
2. He thinks that I want a relationship and he's never had one so he is confused as to what to do for he is a guy that constantly thinks of the future and building himself up for it.and therefore he doesn't know how I would fit into the puzzle of his life (for the record I just want to see him..I don't mind not being introduced to his family..just to be what we were)
3. He told my friend not to share what he was telling her to me for he WILL call me and talk to me for he told her he knows that by not calling its rude and he knows it's bad on his part.
So when she told me all of this I texted him the following day in the morning asking how he was and just nicely put saying that I'm confused as to what is going on and I would just really like to talk to him. It was finals week so he was quite busy and kept making ambiguous plans to meet and then later would cancel for he wouldn't be available at the time he thought he would be. So after three times of hoping to talk to him and then him canceling I stopped all further communication. I really really do like him and I have NEVER felt this way for a guy before..and he truly is a good guy..and I'm not just saying this because I truly know the difference. He truly shows his feelings to me in private and I could tell he like me. He is a gentleman in every way and form to not just me but to women in general but then he does this and I feel like I was fooled. He called yesterday and I picked up because I just need to hear what he wants to say (For the first time I actualy opened up myself to someone (him) and ended up getting really hurt so I just truly wanted some sort of closure). He asked how have I been and if I was busy at the moment for he was at the university then (and I dorm..so it was possible for us to meet). I lied and said I was not around...if I saw him in person I might have broken down in tears (I wasn't ready to see him) and so he asked me when I'm leaving to miami (for I'm visiting my family there fore two weeks) and I said monday. He was surprised that I was leaving so soon and he said he would have liked to see me before I left. My friend was in the room and she said to say I was busy and to say that "I guess I could see you when I get back". I was surprised at how composed/ normal I sounded and I made myself sound as if I hadn't at all thought of him and had gone on with life as normal. We ended on that term..I had asked him if everything was okay twice and he said yes, but then I was like "are you sure?" and he once again avoided to have such a conversation like that on the phone. Anyways I though we left on okay terms. But throughout the whole day I thought of it more and more and before I leave to miami I would like to text him something nice and I put it out there that I WOULD like to see him when I get back. I really like him and I know he likes me too but the culture thing seems to be a barrier for him...what should I do now? I don't want to lose him..is there anything I could do to attempt to patch things up? Please please help me with this situation...I am really hurt right now and very saddened by all of this :( . Thank you once again.
VictorM's advice:
zzzzzzzz... huh? what? Oh yeah...
You suffer from the western world myopic illness of only seeing the world from one perspective: your own. And this case, the implication that love is all you need. But other cultures place value in many other things and are no more willing to give them up for a partner than you would marry a rapist or a serial killer just because you love him.
Your closure comes from forgetting the bullshit that comes with fairly tales and romance novels and accepting the values he lives by. You may not like them, it may make you unhappy, but that should be enough to provide closure. Being "in love" is not a requirement in many cultures.
Now, I'm not saying you should give up. After all, if he is going to live in the western world, he will have to adapt to it to some extent. If he's not willing to do that relative to a partner, even if somehow you wound up together, I doubt you would be a happy woman. If he's not willing to be with you on western terms, you don't have a future.
By Helen, 18, from Nyc:
First off I would like to, with all my heart, thank you for your time in giving true advice (what you do is immensely honorable). I would really appreciate your help with this situation that I currently find myself in, for I lack experience and therefore don't know how to approach this in the correct way. So I've never had a relationship before and have always just dated (even if its months on end with the same person). In the end of March I met this guy at an auto show whom was friends with a friend of a friend(its a group of college buddies really). We all go to the same university but he is a junior and i am a freshman. He is Tibetan and he is proud of his culture and truly supports his country. Anyways we met that day and as a group of seven people we decided to go have lunch and then we went to this candlelight gathering in a movement to raise awareness to Free Tibet. Well afterwards we all agreed to go play some pool at our universities hall and him and I went to buy a couple of beers for our group. He drank a bit that night and well nothing much happened other than we held hands and he seemed he was pretty much interested in me. I don't know much about the Asian culture but soon learned that they tend to be reserved. Anyways since that time we have had dates and all month of April we were getting really close and intimate. Then just last week he kindof stopped texting and calling and at first I was worried that something happened but then again we were starting Finals week so I just thought that maybe he was very busy preparing for finals. We didn't speak AT ALL for about four days and I admit that I was pretty heartbroken...I am a proud individual and if he was pulling the "i am no longer interested in you..therefore I will not be calling anymore so you will get the message", then I acted the same way back. This tuesday one of my closest friends had lunch with him (since she is also a friend of his) and throughout the whole lunch he spoke about me and what he "had"/ "Are". So he said:
1. That because I'm not Tibetan, he thinks that he is wasting my time for he could NEVER introduce me to his family (I'm white)
2. He thinks that I want a relationship and he's never had one so he is confused as to what to do for he is a guy that constantly thinks of the future and building himself up for it.and therefore he doesn't know how I would fit into the puzzle of his life (for the record I just want to see him..I don't mind not being introduced to his family..just to be what we were)
3. He told my friend not to share what he was telling her to me for he WILL call me and talk to me for he told her he knows that by not calling its rude and he knows it's bad on his part.
So when she told me all of this I texted him the following day in the morning asking how he was and just nicely put saying that I'm confused as to what is going on and I would just really like to talk to him. It was finals week so he was quite busy and kept making ambiguous plans to meet and then later would cancel for he wouldn't be available at the time he thought he would be. So after three times of hoping to talk to him and then him canceling I stopped all further communication. I really really do like him and I have NEVER felt this way for a guy before..and he truly is a good guy..and I'm not just saying this because I truly know the difference. He truly shows his feelings to me in private and I could tell he like me. He is a gentleman in every way and form to not just me but to women in general but then he does this and I feel like I was fooled. He called yesterday and I picked up because I just need to hear what he wants to say (For the first time I actualy opened up myself to someone (him) and ended up getting really hurt so I just truly wanted some sort of closure). He asked how have I been and if I was busy at the moment for he was at the university then (and I dorm..so it was possible for us to meet). I lied and said I was not around...if I saw him in person I might have broken down in tears (I wasn't ready to see him) and so he asked me when I'm leaving to miami (for I'm visiting my family there fore two weeks) and I said monday. He was surprised that I was leaving so soon and he said he would have liked to see me before I left. My friend was in the room and she said to say I was busy and to say that "I guess I could see you when I get back". I was surprised at how composed/ normal I sounded and I made myself sound as if I hadn't at all thought of him and had gone on with life as normal. We ended on that term..I had asked him if everything was okay twice and he said yes, but then I was like "are you sure?" and he once again avoided to have such a conversation like that on the phone. Anyways I though we left on okay terms. But throughout the whole day I thought of it more and more and before I leave to miami I would like to text him something nice and I put it out there that I WOULD like to see him when I get back. I really like him and I know he likes me too but the culture thing seems to be a barrier for him...what should I do now? I don't want to lose him..is there anything I could do to attempt to patch things up? Please please help me with this situation...I am really hurt right now and very saddened by all of this :( . Thank you once again.
VictorM's advice:
zzzzzzzz... huh? what? Oh yeah...
You suffer from the western world myopic illness of only seeing the world from one perspective: your own. And this case, the implication that love is all you need. But other cultures place value in many other things and are no more willing to give them up for a partner than you would marry a rapist or a serial killer just because you love him.
Your closure comes from forgetting the bullshit that comes with fairly tales and romance novels and accepting the values he lives by. You may not like them, it may make you unhappy, but that should be enough to provide closure. Being "in love" is not a requirement in many cultures.
Now, I'm not saying you should give up. After all, if he is going to live in the western world, he will have to adapt to it to some extent. If he's not willing to do that relative to a partner, even if somehow you wound up together, I doubt you would be a happy woman. If he's not willing to be with you on western terms, you don't have a future.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
He forgot that we were supposed to hang out on Friday
Submitted on Saturday, May 10, 2008
By Lauren, 16, from Ottawa:
I'm a little confussed of what to do. My brofriend has never forgotten me before or anything. Then all of the sudden this weekend he forgot that we were supposed to hang out on Friday, and instead made plans with one of his guy friends, who he is also with all day Saturday. He felt really bad about it and said he'd call me on Friday once he got back from his friend's house ... well, he never called! Even if he was invited to stay another night or whatever couldn't he have called so I at least i knew i wasn't forgotten? Also, I was really upset on Thursday so he wanted to call to make sure I was alright...yet no call...So I don't know, either I should just wait to see when and if he'll call, or if I should call him before he heads off to his friends.
VictorM's advice:
When people don't fear facing someone who is upset about small stuff, they are more likely to call. Chances are that he's a pulling a "it's easier to get forgiveness than to listen to her bitch" move.
So he "forgot" to call, so what? Let him have fun with his friend. Meanwhile, have fun with your friends. Being a nag isn't going to get you anywhere. Two people who can have fun without the other are more likely to enjoy each other when they are together.
By Lauren, 16, from Ottawa:
I'm a little confussed of what to do. My brofriend has never forgotten me before or anything. Then all of the sudden this weekend he forgot that we were supposed to hang out on Friday, and instead made plans with one of his guy friends, who he is also with all day Saturday. He felt really bad about it and said he'd call me on Friday once he got back from his friend's house ... well, he never called! Even if he was invited to stay another night or whatever couldn't he have called so I at least i knew i wasn't forgotten? Also, I was really upset on Thursday so he wanted to call to make sure I was alright...yet no call...So I don't know, either I should just wait to see when and if he'll call, or if I should call him before he heads off to his friends.
VictorM's advice:
When people don't fear facing someone who is upset about small stuff, they are more likely to call. Chances are that he's a pulling a "it's easier to get forgiveness than to listen to her bitch" move.
So he "forgot" to call, so what? Let him have fun with his friend. Meanwhile, have fun with your friends. Being a nag isn't going to get you anywhere. Two people who can have fun without the other are more likely to enjoy each other when they are together.
I am attracted to a trainer at the gym
Submitted on Friday, May 09, 2008
By Katie, 24, from Phoenix:
I am attracted to a trainer at the gym that I am a member at but haven't had the ability to actually talk to him yet. I am somewhat shy when it comes to men and as a result, have difficulty iniating conversation with men that I am interested in. However, I am somewhat of an old fashioned girl and feel as though if he were interested, he would make the first move and try and strike up conversation with me. Is this true or should I do something more on my end? I think there is interest on his end due to our eye contact...but that's all that has occurred between us for the last 2-3 months and I am getting impatient! Should I do something about it or let it go and move on?
VictorM's advice:
Are we talking about a fairly young, muscular, attractive male who deals with all kinds of women -- attractive and otherwise -- on an hourly basis? I ask because you may have to stand at the back of the line.
Now, assuming that you do stand out to him, it's totally plausible that he likes/needs his job too much to risk pursuing you. Many places of employment, like gyms, have rules against staff engaging with clients. And in the gym, before you are a woman, you are a client.
Now, if you could somehow find out what bar or club he hangs out and meet him there "by coincidence"... well, once you're away from his place of work, rules bend or don't apply. Shouldn't be too hard to ask him for a bar or club in the area that he recommends, and what's the best day of the week to go there. ;)
By Katie, 24, from Phoenix:
I am attracted to a trainer at the gym that I am a member at but haven't had the ability to actually talk to him yet. I am somewhat shy when it comes to men and as a result, have difficulty iniating conversation with men that I am interested in. However, I am somewhat of an old fashioned girl and feel as though if he were interested, he would make the first move and try and strike up conversation with me. Is this true or should I do something more on my end? I think there is interest on his end due to our eye contact...but that's all that has occurred between us for the last 2-3 months and I am getting impatient! Should I do something about it or let it go and move on?
VictorM's advice:
Are we talking about a fairly young, muscular, attractive male who deals with all kinds of women -- attractive and otherwise -- on an hourly basis? I ask because you may have to stand at the back of the line.
Now, assuming that you do stand out to him, it's totally plausible that he likes/needs his job too much to risk pursuing you. Many places of employment, like gyms, have rules against staff engaging with clients. And in the gym, before you are a woman, you are a client.
Now, if you could somehow find out what bar or club he hangs out and meet him there "by coincidence"... well, once you're away from his place of work, rules bend or don't apply. Shouldn't be too hard to ask him for a bar or club in the area that he recommends, and what's the best day of the week to go there. ;)
How do I deal with my boyfriend being afraid of committing?
Submitted on Friday, May 09, 2008
By shelby, 22, from washington:
How do I deal with my boyfriend being afraid of committing? He is 26. Things were fine but now he is freaked out (recently within the last two weeks) asking for space because we are hanging out too much (once or twice or week). I can understand that he needs time to adjust after being single for awhile and just getting a new girlfriend. Now he is not sure that he is ready for a girlfriend even though he says he really likes me and hanging out with me. I am giving him space like he asked but I can sit around for ever waiting for him to decide whether or not he wants to be with me. How long should I wait until I say something? We haven't been dating long, about two months (we have been "seeing" each other for about 5) a break up would suck because I really like him but that's where I feel that things are heading. I don't want to push him though since he is still undecided. At least if we breakup it's better now than later...
VictorM's advice:
This so-called "fear or commitment" by guys is really a myth, something that some girls latch on to as a way of deflecting an unwanted reality.
Either a guy feels he doesn't know a girl well enough to get too serious yet or he simply doesn't feel that the girl he's seeing is worth getting serious about. In the first case he'll want to see more of her because that's the only way to get to know her better. In the latter case, well, there are many ways to deal with that... one of them is to ask for a break.
One way or the other your guy is experiencing fear alright, but not of commitment -- he has fear of telling you the truth.
How do I deal with my boyfriend being afraid of committing? He is 26. Things were fine but now he is freaked out (recently within the last two weeks) asking for space because we are hanging out too much (once or twice or week). I can understand that he needs time to adjust after being single for awhile and just getting a new girlfriend. Now he is not sure that he is ready for a girlfriend even though he says he really likes me and hanging out with me. I am giving him space like he asked but I can sit around for ever waiting for him to decide whether or not he wants to be with me. How long should I wait until I say something? We haven't been dating long, about two months (we have been "seeing" each other for about 5) a break up would suck because I really like him but that's where I feel that things are heading. I don't want to push him though since he is still undecided. At least if we breakup it's better now than later...
VictorM's advice:
This so-called "fear or commitment" by guys is really a myth, something that some girls latch on to as a way of deflecting an unwanted reality.
Either a guy feels he doesn't know a girl well enough to get too serious yet or he simply doesn't feel that the girl he's seeing is worth getting serious about. In the first case he'll want to see more of her because that's the only way to get to know her better. In the latter case, well, there are many ways to deal with that... one of them is to ask for a break.
One way or the other your guy is experiencing fear alright, but not of commitment -- he has fear of telling you the truth.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Can't ask him to be my boyfriend
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Jasmine, 12, from south carolina:
How do I ask a boy out if I'm shy? I like him and want to know him better but I can't ask him to be my boyfriend. I just cant say that.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him to be your boyfriend. And you don't even have to ask him out. You just want to find times when you and him can spend time together, without you having to ask. How do you do that? Here's some examples: "I'm going to the mall today at 2 o'clock, if you're there come say hello " (maybe he'll show up, maybe he won't, but if he does, not only can you two talk, but you know he's interested in spending time with you); "I want to see Speed Racer but I'd hate to go alone" (this invites him to offer to take you. If he does, great, if he doesn't, at least there's no rejection).
By Jasmine, 12, from south carolina:
How do I ask a boy out if I'm shy? I like him and want to know him better but I can't ask him to be my boyfriend. I just cant say that.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him to be your boyfriend. And you don't even have to ask him out. You just want to find times when you and him can spend time together, without you having to ask. How do you do that? Here's some examples: "I'm going to the mall today at 2 o'clock, if you're there come say hello " (maybe he'll show up, maybe he won't, but if he does, not only can you two talk, but you know he's interested in spending time with you); "I want to see Speed Racer but I'd hate to go alone" (this invites him to offer to take you. If he does, great, if he doesn't, at least there's no rejection).
I am his first serious girlfriend
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Samantha, 21, from WV:
I have been dating this guy who is 24 for close to five months. I am his first serious girlfriend. Everything progressed fast and we see each other every weekend. Within a month we said that we love each other. In following months, I met his family, he met mine, and his friends and he told me and his friends that he never loved a girl like me and he wants to marry me. I have one more year of school to go and all his friends are getting married and he admitted to being depressed by that. I told him his time will come. We talk a lot about weddings because of those friends, but not about us getting. married.
Recently, I made a mistake and got completely drunk and made out with my roomate. I didn't have any rational otherwise I would have never done that. I told him everything and he broke up with me. Later that same night he took me back and said we were fine. One week later he was distant and told me he needed a break. Basically he broke up with me. He said he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. It's been a little over a week and I'm dying. He said he broke up with me because things were going too fast and I was pressuring him into marriage. He said the thing with my roomate topped it off. He said he realized the seriousmess when he got me a phone on his plan. He said we can be friends but we can't talk for a while and he needs to find out if "I'm the one he can't live without." I talked to him once and asked him if he would go to my friend's wedding with me and he said no, then kept going on about how thats awkward and we can be friends but it's only been a week and we shouldn't talk a lot. What do I do and will he come back?
VictorM's advice:
He's trying to hold on to you but your betrayal is too much for him to handle. Forgetting you is not easy since he was so emotionally invested in you, but every ounce of strength he finds will take him a step further away from you; only moments of weakness makes it appear like he's still trying to work things out.
Will he ever get over your betrayal? It's possible but improbable.
Do you think that if you get completely drunk that you could kill someone? Have sex with a horse? Of course not. So cut out the bullshit about not being rational when you fucked your roommate. You didn't do anything you weren't willing to do all along. You're using alcohol as an excuse.
By Samantha, 21, from WV:
I have been dating this guy who is 24 for close to five months. I am his first serious girlfriend. Everything progressed fast and we see each other every weekend. Within a month we said that we love each other. In following months, I met his family, he met mine, and his friends and he told me and his friends that he never loved a girl like me and he wants to marry me. I have one more year of school to go and all his friends are getting married and he admitted to being depressed by that. I told him his time will come. We talk a lot about weddings because of those friends, but not about us getting. married.
Recently, I made a mistake and got completely drunk and made out with my roomate. I didn't have any rational otherwise I would have never done that. I told him everything and he broke up with me. Later that same night he took me back and said we were fine. One week later he was distant and told me he needed a break. Basically he broke up with me. He said he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. It's been a little over a week and I'm dying. He said he broke up with me because things were going too fast and I was pressuring him into marriage. He said the thing with my roomate topped it off. He said he realized the seriousmess when he got me a phone on his plan. He said we can be friends but we can't talk for a while and he needs to find out if "I'm the one he can't live without." I talked to him once and asked him if he would go to my friend's wedding with me and he said no, then kept going on about how thats awkward and we can be friends but it's only been a week and we shouldn't talk a lot. What do I do and will he come back?
VictorM's advice:
He's trying to hold on to you but your betrayal is too much for him to handle. Forgetting you is not easy since he was so emotionally invested in you, but every ounce of strength he finds will take him a step further away from you; only moments of weakness makes it appear like he's still trying to work things out.
Will he ever get over your betrayal? It's possible but improbable.
Do you think that if you get completely drunk that you could kill someone? Have sex with a horse? Of course not. So cut out the bullshit about not being rational when you fucked your roommate. You didn't do anything you weren't willing to do all along. You're using alcohol as an excuse.
Friday, May 09, 2008
The easy way out
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Jane, 22, from Canada:
Why do guys prefer to run away from problems rather than work them out? It seems that in every relationship I am in, the guy breaks up with me over little things and accuses me of being too dramatic.
VictorM's advice:
If a guy really cares for a girl, he stays and works things out. If he loses interest in her, what's the point of working problems out if, in essence, the magic is gone and he's not into her anymore? See, most guys are very good at not wasting time with girls they don't feel are a good match, so there's nothing to do but head towards the door.
Once a guy loses interest in a girl, running away is an easy way out because otherwise, it all gets overly... dramatic. And life is too short for that.
By Jane, 22, from Canada:
Why do guys prefer to run away from problems rather than work them out? It seems that in every relationship I am in, the guy breaks up with me over little things and accuses me of being too dramatic.
VictorM's advice:
If a guy really cares for a girl, he stays and works things out. If he loses interest in her, what's the point of working problems out if, in essence, the magic is gone and he's not into her anymore? See, most guys are very good at not wasting time with girls they don't feel are a good match, so there's nothing to do but head towards the door.
Once a guy loses interest in a girl, running away is an easy way out because otherwise, it all gets overly... dramatic. And life is too short for that.
If I gave you a blowjob I'd win
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Brittany, 15, from AB:
Okay so here is the deal, in my group of friends there is this guy, we have never been extremely close but we talk and hug ect. I’ve liked him for about 6 months, but as far as I know he has never had a girlfriend, and is fairly shy, but he did know I like dhim nothing just came of it and then I slowly stopped. So one daylast week we where hugging and things happened, and next thing I know my hand is on his crotch and his are down my shirt, YAY for me, then Monday I come back to school, and we are at lunch and he is sitting with his arms around me and we are just cuddling and then we went to work, and he said he was tired and was going to his car I said I didn’t want him to leave me he told me to come, I already figured I would be giving him head before we got in the car, the first day all of this started it started with him tickling me, when he poked my boob, he was like I win, so I poked his crotch and it escalated from there, so we where in his car and he was laying against me with his head on my chest groping my boobs lightly and was like I win and I said, if I gave you a blowjob I'd win, so I did, and he was like you win times infinity I said it was a win win and he agreed. And now he isn’t as snuggly anymore or anything so I figure he got what he wanted now he’s done, am I just being a pessimist or am I right. Keep in mind he is 17 and I am 15.
VictorM's advice:
Damn, where were the girls like you when I was 17.... :-p
I don't know, Brittany, maybe there's something more than boob poking and blow jobs to having a boyfriend. Maybe you need to slow down and take your time getting to know him.
By Brittany, 15, from AB:
Okay so here is the deal, in my group of friends there is this guy, we have never been extremely close but we talk and hug ect. I’ve liked him for about 6 months, but as far as I know he has never had a girlfriend, and is fairly shy, but he did know I like dhim nothing just came of it and then I slowly stopped. So one daylast week we where hugging and things happened, and next thing I know my hand is on his crotch and his are down my shirt, YAY for me, then Monday I come back to school, and we are at lunch and he is sitting with his arms around me and we are just cuddling and then we went to work, and he said he was tired and was going to his car I said I didn’t want him to leave me he told me to come, I already figured I would be giving him head before we got in the car, the first day all of this started it started with him tickling me, when he poked my boob, he was like I win, so I poked his crotch and it escalated from there, so we where in his car and he was laying against me with his head on my chest groping my boobs lightly and was like I win and I said, if I gave you a blowjob I'd win, so I did, and he was like you win times infinity I said it was a win win and he agreed. And now he isn’t as snuggly anymore or anything so I figure he got what he wanted now he’s done, am I just being a pessimist or am I right. Keep in mind he is 17 and I am 15.
VictorM's advice:
Damn, where were the girls like you when I was 17.... :-p
I don't know, Brittany, maybe there's something more than boob poking and blow jobs to having a boyfriend. Maybe you need to slow down and take your time getting to know him.
I have not been invited to his family's events
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By HKB, 40, from Ohio:
I have been dating this guy for a year and a half. While things are fairly serious, we both love each other, I am part of his daughters life & he is a part of my children's life and we have taken "family vacations" together (my kids and his daugther), there are a few things missing. At this point there are no plans for marriage or moving in - location and children do not allow for it right now, so we make the best of it and see each other whenever we can. While this is frustrating I have learned to accept our situation. However, the one area of his life he does not let me in is with his family (parents and siblings) I have met them all once at Christmas this past year, and have met his one brother on several occasions when we have to stop off at this house for one thing or another. But other then that, birthday celebrations, his family vacations and other holidays I have not been invited to. He seems to always have an excuse, "I thought you would have the kids", "I did not think you had any vacation left" and " I did not think you would want to" are examples of why he says has not included me. Should I be concerned that I am not included in this part of his life? I recently had a long conversation about this with him and he really did not have a lot of answers. Just a lot of excuses again. He did admit he was uncomfortable in certain situations with me as his girlfriend and being around his ex and other family members. He has been divorced now for 4 years and obviously has some issues in allowing someone into his complete life, just not sure how long I can handle not be included. I was hoping you could shed some light on his thinking or give me any advice how I should be reacting to not being included.
VictorM's advice:
It is possible that the it is the family that is not ready to accept anyone but the mother of the children, maybe until you're engaged or something more official. If this is the case, he might just not want to force you on them and is, in essence, protecting you.
If it doesn't come from the family, then you have more reason to worry. One year and a half is a long time. If he's willing to take vacations together, why not take you to family gatherings? Is it just because his ex will be there?
My advice is for you to let him know what it means to you but say that you are willing to let it be on his timetable. Telling him that it's important to you to be part of the family is fine, nagging him about it will most likely backfire. Him not being ready to face his ex wife with you is not, by itself, reason for concern. It varies from man to man how long it takes to get over that barrier.
Doesn't appear that his feelings for you are in question. He's just reluctant to take a step that is difficult but inevitable if you are going to stay a couple. Be supportive and the outcome will be more favorable.
By HKB, 40, from Ohio:
I have been dating this guy for a year and a half. While things are fairly serious, we both love each other, I am part of his daughters life & he is a part of my children's life and we have taken "family vacations" together (my kids and his daugther), there are a few things missing. At this point there are no plans for marriage or moving in - location and children do not allow for it right now, so we make the best of it and see each other whenever we can. While this is frustrating I have learned to accept our situation. However, the one area of his life he does not let me in is with his family (parents and siblings) I have met them all once at Christmas this past year, and have met his one brother on several occasions when we have to stop off at this house for one thing or another. But other then that, birthday celebrations, his family vacations and other holidays I have not been invited to. He seems to always have an excuse, "I thought you would have the kids", "I did not think you had any vacation left" and " I did not think you would want to" are examples of why he says has not included me. Should I be concerned that I am not included in this part of his life? I recently had a long conversation about this with him and he really did not have a lot of answers. Just a lot of excuses again. He did admit he was uncomfortable in certain situations with me as his girlfriend and being around his ex and other family members. He has been divorced now for 4 years and obviously has some issues in allowing someone into his complete life, just not sure how long I can handle not be included. I was hoping you could shed some light on his thinking or give me any advice how I should be reacting to not being included.
VictorM's advice:
It is possible that the it is the family that is not ready to accept anyone but the mother of the children, maybe until you're engaged or something more official. If this is the case, he might just not want to force you on them and is, in essence, protecting you.
If it doesn't come from the family, then you have more reason to worry. One year and a half is a long time. If he's willing to take vacations together, why not take you to family gatherings? Is it just because his ex will be there?
My advice is for you to let him know what it means to you but say that you are willing to let it be on his timetable. Telling him that it's important to you to be part of the family is fine, nagging him about it will most likely backfire. Him not being ready to face his ex wife with you is not, by itself, reason for concern. It varies from man to man how long it takes to get over that barrier.
Doesn't appear that his feelings for you are in question. He's just reluctant to take a step that is difficult but inevitable if you are going to stay a couple. Be supportive and the outcome will be more favorable.
He produce manager
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Elizabeth, 18, from NJ:
hi my name is elizabeth im from NJ and im 18...I have a few ?s 1. i like someone from my job in his 20s i think...neway hes cute nice laugh wears glasses but not a geek nice eyes nice smile and so on idk if he produce manager or not either way he works in dat dept.hes really cute i really like him like no one understands ppl say thats to old is it i mean for some one who 18 isnt 18 legal? and the seniors like me in my school can bring an outside gues that mean i can bring him? how shuld i ask him? what do i say wat doi do where when how hwo do i act infront of himn liek i do in fornt of my friends? nails makeup jelwery or no> what are signs i can gve how would i no if he likes me back or not? i have more ?S and alot of thngs about him to say so i aint doneyet ok
VictorM's advice:
Are you from Elizabeth, NJ? Elizabeth, from Elizabeth. I've always found that funny. And if you went to the high school there it would explain your writing skills (I should know, I went to school there myself).
Anyway... being 18 isn't enough. You should wait till you're 21 so you could go out drinking with him and have a blast.
I can't wait to read your other questions. I'm on pins and needles about it.
By Elizabeth, 18, from NJ:
hi my name is elizabeth im from NJ and im 18...I have a few ?s 1. i like someone from my job in his 20s i think...neway hes cute nice laugh wears glasses but not a geek nice eyes nice smile and so on idk if he produce manager or not either way he works in dat dept.hes really cute i really like him like no one understands ppl say thats to old is it i mean for some one who 18 isnt 18 legal? and the seniors like me in my school can bring an outside gues that mean i can bring him? how shuld i ask him? what do i say wat doi do where when how hwo do i act infront of himn liek i do in fornt of my friends? nails makeup jelwery or no> what are signs i can gve how would i no if he likes me back or not? i have more ?S and alot of thngs about him to say so i aint doneyet ok
VictorM's advice:
Are you from Elizabeth, NJ? Elizabeth, from Elizabeth. I've always found that funny. And if you went to the high school there it would explain your writing skills (I should know, I went to school there myself).
Anyway... being 18 isn't enough. You should wait till you're 21 so you could go out drinking with him and have a blast.
I can't wait to read your other questions. I'm on pins and needles about it.
When will he pop the question?
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Leorinda, 19, from Pretoria:
Me and my boyfriend is really close almost like man and wife, but he hasn't pop the question (will you marry me) yet. He talks about marring me and all future plans with me. When will he ask me or how do I get him to ask me?
VictorM's advice:
How? Get a gun to his head.
When? At 7:39 PM. But the date isn't coming to me.
Come on, seriously, how am I suppose to know that?
By Leorinda, 19, from Pretoria:
Me and my boyfriend is really close almost like man and wife, but he hasn't pop the question (will you marry me) yet. He talks about marring me and all future plans with me. When will he ask me or how do I get him to ask me?
VictorM's advice:
How? Get a gun to his head.
When? At 7:39 PM. But the date isn't coming to me.
Come on, seriously, how am I suppose to know that?
Why did he turn his phone off?
Submitted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008
By Ashley, 17, from some state:
What does it mean if a guy says he likes you but after a date he doesnt talk to you after? i met this guy he is a customer at my job. he is 21 and he asked me for mmy number. we talked and he asked me to go to the movies with him. we went to the movies and things got heated up after and he told me he never moved that fast before and he thought we were compatible. but now he has his phone off and hasnt called even though he said he likes me why did he turn his phone off? does he like me or what?
VictorM's answer:
Get her phone number. Check.
Ask her on a date. Check.
Make out with her. Check.
Mission accomplished. No challenge here.
What would follow that? A relationship? A what?!?! Turn off the phone! Turn off the phone!
By Ashley, 17, from some state:
What does it mean if a guy says he likes you but after a date he doesnt talk to you after? i met this guy he is a customer at my job. he is 21 and he asked me for mmy number. we talked and he asked me to go to the movies with him. we went to the movies and things got heated up after and he told me he never moved that fast before and he thought we were compatible. but now he has his phone off and hasnt called even though he said he likes me why did he turn his phone off? does he like me or what?
VictorM's answer:
Get her phone number. Check.
Ask her on a date. Check.
Make out with her. Check.
Mission accomplished. No challenge here.
What would follow that? A relationship? A what?!?! Turn off the phone! Turn off the phone!
He has been acting really distant lately
Submitted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008
By Anna, 24, from VA:
My boyfriend of 6-7 months (he's 23), who I haven’t seen in a while due to hectic work schedules, has been acting really distant lately and avoiding me for the past couple of weeks. When I finally threatened to break up with him he told me that I'm the nicest person he's met, and he's been very stressed about how often we can meet and it's not enough time to get to know a person, and he's very paranoid about not being with me all the time and would rather avoid everything now than deal with possible sadness later.
I tried being reassuring, loving, etc., but no help. Before I lose my boyfriend to his newfound meloncholy, how about of an idea is some tough love? I’m already a pretty outspoken person, so would I completely ruin things if I were to literally slap some sense into this coward and tell him to either pick me and stop moping (he can work on his self-esteem later) or pick his pity party and I walk out the door.
VictorM's advice:
What are you talking about? He was super clear, in a guy sorta way, that he's over you and ready to move on. If he's paranoid, it's not about leaving you, it's about how you would react.
Your relationship is over. He doesn't need tough love; he needs a goodbye kiss... or a kick in the ass. Your choice.
By Anna, 24, from VA:
My boyfriend of 6-7 months (he's 23), who I haven’t seen in a while due to hectic work schedules, has been acting really distant lately and avoiding me for the past couple of weeks. When I finally threatened to break up with him he told me that I'm the nicest person he's met, and he's been very stressed about how often we can meet and it's not enough time to get to know a person, and he's very paranoid about not being with me all the time and would rather avoid everything now than deal with possible sadness later.
I tried being reassuring, loving, etc., but no help. Before I lose my boyfriend to his newfound meloncholy, how about of an idea is some tough love? I’m already a pretty outspoken person, so would I completely ruin things if I were to literally slap some sense into this coward and tell him to either pick me and stop moping (he can work on his self-esteem later) or pick his pity party and I walk out the door.
VictorM's advice:
What are you talking about? He was super clear, in a guy sorta way, that he's over you and ready to move on. If he's paranoid, it's not about leaving you, it's about how you would react.
Your relationship is over. He doesn't need tough love; he needs a goodbye kiss... or a kick in the ass. Your choice.
Like, is this guy code?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By holly:
victor,
By holly:
victor,
can you please tell me what you think about these comments that a friend of mine made, he is severly confused (in my opinion) about his feelings. what he said about girl A. she is sweet, fun, spontaneous, ambitious, beautiful, loyal the list goes on and on i can't help but be crazy about her.
girl B. she is sweet, kind, funny, and attractive, she's a great girl & treats me like a king what more could i ask for.
do you have an opinion on these comments as in what do you think he really is feeling for either of these girls..lol like, is this guy code?
VictorM's answer:
No, it's not code. It just means that he likes more than one girl. There's nothing surprising or confusing about it.
Our society pushes us to settle with only one partner, but feeling attraction for many girls at once is very natural and quite common.
girl B. she is sweet, kind, funny, and attractive, she's a great girl & treats me like a king what more could i ask for.
do you have an opinion on these comments as in what do you think he really is feeling for either of these girls..lol like, is this guy code?
VictorM's answer:
No, it's not code. It just means that he likes more than one girl. There's nothing surprising or confusing about it.
Our society pushes us to settle with only one partner, but feeling attraction for many girls at once is very natural and quite common.
How can i make him stop?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
so, this has to deal with the guy from my last question. as we became friends last fall, we grew close quickly and i ended up liking him, but put the feelings aside because the friendship was more important to me. my feelings ended up showing through eventually and ultimately ending our frienship. after a lot of mixed feelings and talking, we cleaned up about 2 months ago, and since then i have been working on moving on. but what really, really bugs me is the guy can’t move on. i have no desire to be friends with him anymore at all, but what he’s been doing has really pissed me off. for months (but more often recently), he’s been telling everyone (it seems) that i have “the hugest crush” on him. i know this because a good number of people have come to me asking if it was true, not to be rude or nosy, but just to confirm. i’ve denied it every time someone’s brought it up because i really no longer like him. i think this is really strange that he seems so obsessed with my liking him. why is he doing this? and, how can i make him stop?
VictorM's advice:
He says it probably because it's his impression that it's true and besides, it doesn't hurt his reputation or his ego.
You could ask him to stop saying it. I doubt he will but it won't hurt to ask.
You could be devilish and admit that you liked him but you lost interest because [pick any or all of the following]: he has bad breath, it seemed like he didn't change his underwear often cause he stunk at time, he didn't know how to kiss, his penis is the side of a pencil eraser, say "yes, I liked him, [laugh really hard] I don't know what was wrong with me."
OK, I don't really recommend the above.
What's the big deal if he says you had a huge crush on him? Yeah, it's an exaggeration but who do you think your friends will believe? Besides, there's nothing wrong with having liked someone.
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
so, this has to deal with the guy from my last question. as we became friends last fall, we grew close quickly and i ended up liking him, but put the feelings aside because the friendship was more important to me. my feelings ended up showing through eventually and ultimately ending our frienship. after a lot of mixed feelings and talking, we cleaned up about 2 months ago, and since then i have been working on moving on. but what really, really bugs me is the guy can’t move on. i have no desire to be friends with him anymore at all, but what he’s been doing has really pissed me off. for months (but more often recently), he’s been telling everyone (it seems) that i have “the hugest crush” on him. i know this because a good number of people have come to me asking if it was true, not to be rude or nosy, but just to confirm. i’ve denied it every time someone’s brought it up because i really no longer like him. i think this is really strange that he seems so obsessed with my liking him. why is he doing this? and, how can i make him stop?
VictorM's advice:
He says it probably because it's his impression that it's true and besides, it doesn't hurt his reputation or his ego.
You could ask him to stop saying it. I doubt he will but it won't hurt to ask.
OK, I don't really recommend the above.
What's the big deal if he says you had a huge crush on him? Yeah, it's an exaggeration but who do you think your friends will believe? Besides, there's nothing wrong with having liked someone.
Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By Confused, 24:
I have known this guy for about a year now. When i first met him he acted like he was interested in me and even straight up told me that he liked me. The only thing that he had told me though was that he was skeptical about calling me or hanging out with me because he is friends with my brother. To set the record straight him and my brother are not very close friends but they kind of have the same circle of friends and have known each other for a few years. I told him that my brother was cool and for him not to worry. I have given this guy my phone number several times and we have been flirting with each other since we have met. He has not called me. In the year since i have known him he has had 2 girlfriend buy yet he still continues to flirt with me and act like he's going to call me even when i know that he has a girlfriend and he won't. Why would he still flirt with me and ask me for my number repeadely if he has a girlfriend and has no intent on calling me? So now present day its still the same thing we continue to flirt when we see each other except now he's single again. The other week his best friend told me that he liked me and i told his friend that i liked him too. So the next time i see him his friend calls me out and tells him that i like him (totally embarassing). We hang out for the rest of the night and he AGAIN asks me for my number and we kind of make plans but not really set in stone plans because yet again he tells me that he's skeptical because of my bro and my friends. On the exact day (a week later) that he told me that he was going to call me he does! Too bad i was taking a shower and didn't pick up. It says that he left me a voicemail so i listen to it and it just sounds like noise. It sounds like he may have accidently called me because i can hear weird noises in the background and the message is long like he didn't realize that he accidently called me and hung up the phone. I call him back and it sounds like someone picks up the phone but nobody says hello and i hear that weird noise again in the background then the phone hangs up. I call him back a second time and he doesn't pick up, it rings and then goes to voicemail. I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back. A week later and he still has not called me. What should i do? Even if he did accidently call me how in the hell would he accidently call me on that specific day a week later. I'm thinking that maybe he called me on purpose and just didnt want to say anything? I don't know, it's weird. This guy has also told me that i'm dangerous and that he's scared of me. What does that mean? ALSO the last time i saw him he kept telling me that he wants to take me home and he was rubbing my thighs and ass and he kept staring at me weird. Like he would stare at me smiling and then when i looked at him he would look away. He also kept blowing my hand repeadely and blowing on my neck and making a fart noise. I thought this was really strange but i like the guy so.. Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me? Im really confused!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
What is it going to take for you to realize this guy is not interested in you? How many times are you lowering yourself to give him your phone number when it's clear he's not going to call?
Guys flirt with girls like you (that is, girls that like the guy more than he likes her and continue to act like lap dogs even when they are ignored) because they can. Pure and simply, because they can. This guy knows you won't set him straight, and it feeds his ego to know that some silly girl out there has it hard for him.
And why the question about him wanting you just for sex when you're the one pursuing him? It's not to say he wouldn't like to have sex with you, but doesn't sound like he has even tried.
Let's see if you can get this straight: THIS GUY HAS NO INTERESTED IN YOU, SEXUALLY OR OTHERWISE. YOU ONLY SERVE TO FEED HIS EGO AND NOTHING MORE.
By Confused, 24:
I have known this guy for about a year now. When i first met him he acted like he was interested in me and even straight up told me that he liked me. The only thing that he had told me though was that he was skeptical about calling me or hanging out with me because he is friends with my brother. To set the record straight him and my brother are not very close friends but they kind of have the same circle of friends and have known each other for a few years. I told him that my brother was cool and for him not to worry. I have given this guy my phone number several times and we have been flirting with each other since we have met. He has not called me. In the year since i have known him he has had 2 girlfriend buy yet he still continues to flirt with me and act like he's going to call me even when i know that he has a girlfriend and he won't. Why would he still flirt with me and ask me for my number repeadely if he has a girlfriend and has no intent on calling me? So now present day its still the same thing we continue to flirt when we see each other except now he's single again. The other week his best friend told me that he liked me and i told his friend that i liked him too. So the next time i see him his friend calls me out and tells him that i like him (totally embarassing). We hang out for the rest of the night and he AGAIN asks me for my number and we kind of make plans but not really set in stone plans because yet again he tells me that he's skeptical because of my bro and my friends. On the exact day (a week later) that he told me that he was going to call me he does! Too bad i was taking a shower and didn't pick up. It says that he left me a voicemail so i listen to it and it just sounds like noise. It sounds like he may have accidently called me because i can hear weird noises in the background and the message is long like he didn't realize that he accidently called me and hung up the phone. I call him back and it sounds like someone picks up the phone but nobody says hello and i hear that weird noise again in the background then the phone hangs up. I call him back a second time and he doesn't pick up, it rings and then goes to voicemail. I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back. A week later and he still has not called me. What should i do? Even if he did accidently call me how in the hell would he accidently call me on that specific day a week later. I'm thinking that maybe he called me on purpose and just didnt want to say anything? I don't know, it's weird. This guy has also told me that i'm dangerous and that he's scared of me. What does that mean? ALSO the last time i saw him he kept telling me that he wants to take me home and he was rubbing my thighs and ass and he kept staring at me weird. Like he would stare at me smiling and then when i looked at him he would look away. He also kept blowing my hand repeadely and blowing on my neck and making a fart noise. I thought this was really strange but i like the guy so.. Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me? Im really confused!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
What is it going to take for you to realize this guy is not interested in you? How many times are you lowering yourself to give him your phone number when it's clear he's not going to call?
Guys flirt with girls like you (that is, girls that like the guy more than he likes her and continue to act like lap dogs even when they are ignored) because they can. Pure and simply, because they can. This guy knows you won't set him straight, and it feeds his ego to know that some silly girl out there has it hard for him.
And why the question about him wanting you just for sex when you're the one pursuing him? It's not to say he wouldn't like to have sex with you, but doesn't sound like he has even tried.
Let's see if you can get this straight: THIS GUY HAS NO INTERESTED IN YOU, SEXUALLY OR OTHERWISE. YOU ONLY SERVE TO FEED HIS EGO AND NOTHING MORE.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
I did apologise profusely about it
Submitted on Monday, May 05, 2008
By anna, 37, from scotland:
I had been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months and everything had been going well, seeing each other regularly, he was texting me morning, noon and night every day for the whole time i was seeing him. I was quite relaxed about the whole thing and never once put him under any pressure. We had a disagreement (I had a bit of an insecure moment fuelled by a cynical friend, it was entirely my fault and I did apologize profusely about it), and he then said i was putting pressure on him and he was stressed with his work and didn't need any pressure, he then went silent on me. I repeatedly asked if he wanted the relationship to end, he has never said that our relationship is over, but he just said that he didn't know what to think or say at the moment, when i eventually asked him "look, you either want to see me or you don't", all he said was that he didn't know what he wanted and needed to sort things out. This all happened nearly three months ago now. Whenever i text him he never ignores me, he always answers. I had not contacted him there for 4 weeks and then i had an urge to text him a couple of days ago. I just text him saying hello, and that i was still missing his company, and hoped he was ok. He responded immedietly, general convo about how he hadn't been well for the best part of the last 3 weeks and then said that the previous weekend he had been in the pub that I go to. He also ended his texts this time with kisses, which he normally doesn't do, even if i put kisses on mine, he did tho put kisses on his texts when we were seeing each other. My question is this, do you think that this guy is just making polite conversation with me, or do you think he may be starting to come round and have thought things through and get interested again?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible he's interested again. The one way to find out is to stop texting him and see if he texts you.
I say it's possible he's interested, but frankly, it's not likely. Once a guy has to think about things, and it takes over 3 months, that's generally a sign that the magic is gone. And in this last case, you were the one that initiated the texting, not him. That's not very reassuring.
By anna, 37, from scotland:
I had been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months and everything had been going well, seeing each other regularly, he was texting me morning, noon and night every day for the whole time i was seeing him. I was quite relaxed about the whole thing and never once put him under any pressure. We had a disagreement (I had a bit of an insecure moment fuelled by a cynical friend, it was entirely my fault and I did apologize profusely about it), and he then said i was putting pressure on him and he was stressed with his work and didn't need any pressure, he then went silent on me. I repeatedly asked if he wanted the relationship to end, he has never said that our relationship is over, but he just said that he didn't know what to think or say at the moment, when i eventually asked him "look, you either want to see me or you don't", all he said was that he didn't know what he wanted and needed to sort things out. This all happened nearly three months ago now. Whenever i text him he never ignores me, he always answers. I had not contacted him there for 4 weeks and then i had an urge to text him a couple of days ago. I just text him saying hello, and that i was still missing his company, and hoped he was ok. He responded immedietly, general convo about how he hadn't been well for the best part of the last 3 weeks and then said that the previous weekend he had been in the pub that I go to. He also ended his texts this time with kisses, which he normally doesn't do, even if i put kisses on mine, he did tho put kisses on his texts when we were seeing each other. My question is this, do you think that this guy is just making polite conversation with me, or do you think he may be starting to come round and have thought things through and get interested again?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible he's interested again. The one way to find out is to stop texting him and see if he texts you.
I say it's possible he's interested, but frankly, it's not likely. Once a guy has to think about things, and it takes over 3 months, that's generally a sign that the magic is gone. And in this last case, you were the one that initiated the texting, not him. That's not very reassuring.
He said I hurt him
Submitted on Monday, May 05, 2008
By Diane, 35, from Tulsa OK:
I dated a guy going through a divorce...when he started dragging his feet I put the relationship in a time-out till he could complete the divorce...he said I hurt him and moved on to someone else whom he got engaged to within 2 months of leaving me. What did I do wrong in this case and how should I have handled it?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, things turned out quite nicely -- you got rid of a sensitive little baby who probably would have made your life miserable.
Go out and celebrate your good fortune. Who knows, you might run into his ex-wife celebrating as well.
By Diane, 35, from Tulsa OK:
I dated a guy going through a divorce...when he started dragging his feet I put the relationship in a time-out till he could complete the divorce...he said I hurt him and moved on to someone else whom he got engaged to within 2 months of leaving me. What did I do wrong in this case and how should I have handled it?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, things turned out quite nicely -- you got rid of a sensitive little baby who probably would have made your life miserable.
Go out and celebrate your good fortune. Who knows, you might run into his ex-wife celebrating as well.
I just feel really crummy at the moment
Submitted on Sunday, May 04, 2008
By Jane, 17, from The land of confused:
Okay, hmm where to start? Ok I was sort of wondering since your awesome in giving advice and I love you don't sugar coat it for us you just tell it like it is, let me tell you something, that's what we NEED.
Ok, for my question. You see I have a problem. There is this guy and I've liked him for a long time and sometime last year I decided to take a chance and I sent him a message that asked him if he wanted to go see a movie or something. Well he never wrote back at all. My brother whom he is friends with, says that he is just ubber shy and that I shouldn’t think on it. Well I got over it, or well as the old saying goes time heals all wounds. I won't lie, it hurt like hell. So it's been almost a year and then yesterday, BAM I see him and he sees me and I didn't talk to him cause he seemed really busy (he was working). I just feel really crummy at the moment. Cause I really like him and I can't do a dang thing about it. So now I sit here debating with myself to send him a message and be like, "Hey I do believe I saw you the other day..." Or if I should just forget about it and try and move on. Help me, please. Let me add that I really like this guy, and you know I kind of always have. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You should try to contact him and get something going if you can.
The way I see it, if you don't contact him, you'll be crummy and will have zero chance of ever getting with him. If you contact him, sure, it'll be crummy if he turns you down but at least you have some chance of hooking up with him.
And believe me, the crummy of not ever knowing is a lot worse than the crummy of getting closure. So... contact him and take your chance.
By Jane, 17, from The land of confused:
Okay, hmm where to start? Ok I was sort of wondering since your awesome in giving advice and I love you don't sugar coat it for us you just tell it like it is, let me tell you something, that's what we NEED.
Ok, for my question. You see I have a problem. There is this guy and I've liked him for a long time and sometime last year I decided to take a chance and I sent him a message that asked him if he wanted to go see a movie or something. Well he never wrote back at all. My brother whom he is friends with, says that he is just ubber shy and that I shouldn’t think on it. Well I got over it, or well as the old saying goes time heals all wounds. I won't lie, it hurt like hell. So it's been almost a year and then yesterday, BAM I see him and he sees me and I didn't talk to him cause he seemed really busy (he was working). I just feel really crummy at the moment. Cause I really like him and I can't do a dang thing about it. So now I sit here debating with myself to send him a message and be like, "Hey I do believe I saw you the other day..." Or if I should just forget about it and try and move on. Help me, please. Let me add that I really like this guy, and you know I kind of always have. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You should try to contact him and get something going if you can.
The way I see it, if you don't contact him, you'll be crummy and will have zero chance of ever getting with him. If you contact him, sure, it'll be crummy if he turns you down but at least you have some chance of hooking up with him.
And believe me, the crummy of not ever knowing is a lot worse than the crummy of getting closure. So... contact him and take your chance.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Smart to date an ex?
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Mareike, 21, from Chicago, IL:
I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now. I dated him when I was 17 before for about a year, and it ended because I moved pretty far away for a couple years and I was really immature about little things that were insignificant. I guess I just wasn't ready at all for a long distance relationship. So I guess I have two questions, the first being is it not smart to date someone again that is an ex? I've heard that alot before, that if it didn't work before, there must be a reason it won't again. Also, I only see him twice a month currently, more often in the near future. He's very hesitant to talk on the phone with me though. He says its because he doesn't like to hear my voice knowing he can't physically be with me. I guess its just annoying to not have any contact in between the two weeks of not seeing him. Is he being honest do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I would believe him about the phone thing. I think most guys feel that way.
Under the circumstances you described, I would think it's OK to date an ex. You were both too young and the breakup happened mostly for reasons beyond your control. Don't let that stop you from trying again.
By Mareike, 21, from Chicago, IL:
I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now. I dated him when I was 17 before for about a year, and it ended because I moved pretty far away for a couple years and I was really immature about little things that were insignificant. I guess I just wasn't ready at all for a long distance relationship. So I guess I have two questions, the first being is it not smart to date someone again that is an ex? I've heard that alot before, that if it didn't work before, there must be a reason it won't again. Also, I only see him twice a month currently, more often in the near future. He's very hesitant to talk on the phone with me though. He says its because he doesn't like to hear my voice knowing he can't physically be with me. I guess its just annoying to not have any contact in between the two weeks of not seeing him. Is he being honest do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I would believe him about the phone thing. I think most guys feel that way.
Under the circumstances you described, I would think it's OK to date an ex. You were both too young and the breakup happened mostly for reasons beyond your control. Don't let that stop you from trying again.
He is very closed about liking any girls
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Sarita, 18, from Virgina:
What is going on in his head?
Okay so its almost time for prom and guys and girls are getting together and whatnot. For over one year i've been 'head over heels' for a guy. We had classes with one another last year, and we talked during those periods. Last year we fought, we scowled, we argued , I got pissed, he apoligized, I flirted, etc. This year we don't see one another much. Sometimes after school we'll talk about colleges and schools.
He is very closed about liking any girls, he asn't made any crushes public to his friends (i'm friends with one of his friends), and one of his friends asked him to prom and he said "I don't want to go with anyone" to her. Whenever I'm alone with him we can't stop talking about school, colleges (all safe topics).
I don't understand if he's not interested or if he's very secretive about his crushes. He talks to girls perfectly fine, but I don't know if I should make a move or wait for him. Help me please!!
VictorM's advice:
He sounds like a guy who knows what he wants. I'd take his behavior as not being interested in you. Further, I would take his friend's statement that he never talks about girls to mean that he doesn't talk about you.
Move on, Sarita, move on. Besides, unless you're both going to the same college what would be the point?
By Sarita, 18, from Virgina:
What is going on in his head?
Okay so its almost time for prom and guys and girls are getting together and whatnot. For over one year i've been 'head over heels' for a guy. We had classes with one another last year, and we talked during those periods. Last year we fought, we scowled, we argued , I got pissed, he apoligized, I flirted, etc. This year we don't see one another much. Sometimes after school we'll talk about colleges and schools.
He is very closed about liking any girls, he asn't made any crushes public to his friends (i'm friends with one of his friends), and one of his friends asked him to prom and he said "I don't want to go with anyone" to her. Whenever I'm alone with him we can't stop talking about school, colleges (all safe topics).
I don't understand if he's not interested or if he's very secretive about his crushes. He talks to girls perfectly fine, but I don't know if I should make a move or wait for him. Help me please!!
VictorM's advice:
He sounds like a guy who knows what he wants. I'd take his behavior as not being interested in you. Further, I would take his friend's statement that he never talks about girls to mean that he doesn't talk about you.
Move on, Sarita, move on. Besides, unless you're both going to the same college what would be the point?
Do guys remember random girls?
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By sam, 20, from nyu:
Well its me again! i have not seen the guy for some time now...i saw him recently in the hall but i was caught off guard and nervous...i smiled a small toothless smile and looked at him a few times then down pretending to look at my ipod. i must have looked so dorky...He smiled a nice smile...but i don't know if he was smiling at me or someone he knew behind me? (he had sunglasses on) so it makes me unsure. PLUS he doesn't know my name and since it has been a while. Should i stop and introduce myself? do you think he would remember me? do guys remember random girls?
VictorM's advice:
Hi sam. Great to have you back. How's the family? The kids? The cats? I have missed you so much. Yes, yes, I'm kidding. I can't possibly remember every submission and I'm having a hard time remembering your question.
Anyway...
Yes, you should introduce yourself and ask for his name. Hopefully, he has a better memory than I do.
By sam, 20, from nyu:
Well its me again! i have not seen the guy for some time now...i saw him recently in the hall but i was caught off guard and nervous...i smiled a small toothless smile and looked at him a few times then down pretending to look at my ipod. i must have looked so dorky...He smiled a nice smile...but i don't know if he was smiling at me or someone he knew behind me? (he had sunglasses on) so it makes me unsure. PLUS he doesn't know my name and since it has been a while. Should i stop and introduce myself? do you think he would remember me? do guys remember random girls?
VictorM's advice:
Hi sam. Great to have you back. How's the family? The kids? The cats? I have missed you so much. Yes, yes, I'm kidding. I can't possibly remember every submission and I'm having a hard time remembering your question.
Anyway...
Yes, you should introduce yourself and ask for his name. Hopefully, he has a better memory than I do.
I recently got a feeling that something isn't right
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Dee, 23, from Louisiana:
I have a very serious problem. I have been dating someone for two months now. I think he is a sweet guy and we get along well, the problem is I recently got a feeling that something isn't right. My car broke down a few days ago so I got him to pick me up from work because I couldn't find another ride because I work at a club and get off at 2 am. Anyway, we had our first kiss that night. Nothing major just a peck on the lips. He picked me up from work yesterday as well, but this time we sat in his car and talked for awhile. To make a long story short he attempted to kiss me on my neck and touch me and places that he knows I'm uncomfortable with. I told him to stop and he did but then he got this scary look in his eyes so I got out and went inside. I don't know why he thought we would go from our first kiss to something more the next day. Now I don't want to talk to him anymore but I don't know how to tell him because I have a bad feeling about him now. I'm scared because now he knows where I live and work. What to do?
VictorM's advice:
If you have a bad feeling about the guy, you can stop seeing him, but sounds like worrying because he knows where you work and live is overkill. Nothing about what you said makes it sound like the guy poses a danger to you.
I think you're making an issue about nothing. I don't mean to minimize how you feel, but frankly, you're 23, you have been dating for a couple of months... a kiss on the neck and an attempt to go further sounds like very normal behavior to me. If on top of that, you have known him to be a gentleman during this whole time and he stopped when you asked him to, I think you're the problem, not him. The guy sounds normal to me; you sound like you're a scary cat 12 year old not ready to date.
If he's smart you don't have to worry about telling him you don't want to see him again -- he should stop seeing you and look for someone that's better suited for him.
I have a very serious problem. I have been dating someone for two months now. I think he is a sweet guy and we get along well, the problem is I recently got a feeling that something isn't right. My car broke down a few days ago so I got him to pick me up from work because I couldn't find another ride because I work at a club and get off at 2 am. Anyway, we had our first kiss that night. Nothing major just a peck on the lips. He picked me up from work yesterday as well, but this time we sat in his car and talked for awhile. To make a long story short he attempted to kiss me on my neck and touch me and places that he knows I'm uncomfortable with. I told him to stop and he did but then he got this scary look in his eyes so I got out and went inside. I don't know why he thought we would go from our first kiss to something more the next day. Now I don't want to talk to him anymore but I don't know how to tell him because I have a bad feeling about him now. I'm scared because now he knows where I live and work. What to do?
VictorM's advice:
If you have a bad feeling about the guy, you can stop seeing him, but sounds like worrying because he knows where you work and live is overkill. Nothing about what you said makes it sound like the guy poses a danger to you.
I think you're making an issue about nothing. I don't mean to minimize how you feel, but frankly, you're 23, you have been dating for a couple of months... a kiss on the neck and an attempt to go further sounds like very normal behavior to me. If on top of that, you have known him to be a gentleman during this whole time and he stopped when you asked him to, I think you're the problem, not him. The guy sounds normal to me; you sound like you're a scary cat 12 year old not ready to date.
If he's smart you don't have to worry about telling him you don't want to see him again -- he should stop seeing you and look for someone that's better suited for him.
He told people a couple of times to throw the ball at me
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Emma, 11:
This guy is always staring at me in the same when we're in the same room and when i look at him he looks away. in gym he told people a couple of times to throw the ball at me. then he flirted with me once
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it sounds like the beginning of a wonderful friendship... but he's probably too scared to do anything else about it. That's OK. He'll still like you 5 years from now. For now... just hit him with the ball between his legs and see him jump around like a monkey on a hibachi table.
By Emma, 11:
This guy is always staring at me in the same when we're in the same room and when i look at him he looks away. in gym he told people a couple of times to throw the ball at me. then he flirted with me once
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it sounds like the beginning of a wonderful friendship... but he's probably too scared to do anything else about it. That's OK. He'll still like you 5 years from now. For now... just hit him with the ball between his legs and see him jump around like a monkey on a hibachi table.
I like this guy but i'm not sure if he likes me
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Serena, 15, from NY:
I like this guy but I'm not sure if he likes me. At first I thought he likes me cause he's always nice to me but he's also nice to every other girl. He's the shy type, he's nice to everyone even though he doesn't even like them. He doesn't talk much though. He used to go out with my best friend but she cheated on him and dumped him. My other friend thinks that he still likes my best friend. There are other girls who like him and would go out with him. I always try to talk to him. Once I was sitting next to him ands these other girls called him to sit with them and he did and I would be sitting alone by myself. Every time on msn I would always be the one to talk to him but he never talk to me first. He tells me about his family and all and I do too to him. I make him laugh and joke around. Once I said I loved him as a joke to see his reaction and there's this one time I said it in another language he said not to say that cause it seemed like I was asking him to go out with me or marry so I told him I was joking. I said it again and I said serious and so he said he love me too but I told him that he was lying and his answer was if he's lying than i'm lying too but I said i wasn't :) But I don't know if he does like me or he's just trying to be nice, like he's nice to other girl who likes him and I know cause that girl told me. He acts normal. He only talk to me if only i start the conversation first. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that maybe he's not interested at all and just trying to be nice. Does he like me? What can I do? Give me some tips please :)
Thanks for taking your time to read this.
VictorM's advice:
You are trying too hard. Guys like to chase girls and you're not posing much of a challenge. He knows he can have you anytime he wants. That takes the fun away from it.
Make yourself scarce and see if he comes after you. If he does, be nice and make it fun, but stop with all the lovey-dovey baloney.
By Serena, 15, from NY:
I like this guy but I'm not sure if he likes me. At first I thought he likes me cause he's always nice to me but he's also nice to every other girl. He's the shy type, he's nice to everyone even though he doesn't even like them. He doesn't talk much though. He used to go out with my best friend but she cheated on him and dumped him. My other friend thinks that he still likes my best friend. There are other girls who like him and would go out with him. I always try to talk to him. Once I was sitting next to him ands these other girls called him to sit with them and he did and I would be sitting alone by myself. Every time on msn I would always be the one to talk to him but he never talk to me first. He tells me about his family and all and I do too to him. I make him laugh and joke around. Once I said I loved him as a joke to see his reaction and there's this one time I said it in another language he said not to say that cause it seemed like I was asking him to go out with me or marry so I told him I was joking. I said it again and I said serious and so he said he love me too but I told him that he was lying and his answer was if he's lying than i'm lying too but I said i wasn't :) But I don't know if he does like me or he's just trying to be nice, like he's nice to other girl who likes him and I know cause that girl told me. He acts normal. He only talk to me if only i start the conversation first. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that maybe he's not interested at all and just trying to be nice. Does he like me? What can I do? Give me some tips please :)
Thanks for taking your time to read this.
VictorM's advice:
You are trying too hard. Guys like to chase girls and you're not posing much of a challenge. He knows he can have you anytime he wants. That takes the fun away from it.
Make yourself scarce and see if he comes after you. If he does, be nice and make it fun, but stop with all the lovey-dovey baloney.
I liked this guy for a long time
Submitted on Friday, May 02, 2008
I want to tell him that I want to date him. I think he might be interested in someone else now and that's why I want to tell him before anything happens between them. Do you think I should? I really can't take it anymore.
VictorM's advice:
Well, if you can't take it anymore, then ask him. But don't go expecting great results. I say this because I don't think it's a case where he doesn't take hints; I think he doesn't want to take them. Chances are that you're friend material, not girlfriend material.
But than again, you won't really know how he feels unless you ask. So... ask.
By cindy, 21, from U.S:
I liked this guy for a long time (years) and we've hung out a few times. How do I tell him that I want them to turn into dates? He thinks of them as friends hang outs (which they are), but he doesn't take hints so nothing is going to lead to anything.
I liked this guy for a long time (years) and we've hung out a few times. How do I tell him that I want them to turn into dates? He thinks of them as friends hang outs (which they are), but he doesn't take hints so nothing is going to lead to anything.
I want to tell him that I want to date him. I think he might be interested in someone else now and that's why I want to tell him before anything happens between them. Do you think I should? I really can't take it anymore.
VictorM's advice:
Well, if you can't take it anymore, then ask him. But don't go expecting great results. I say this because I don't think it's a case where he doesn't take hints; I think he doesn't want to take them. Chances are that you're friend material, not girlfriend material.
But than again, you won't really know how he feels unless you ask. So... ask.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I feel our time for anything more is now
Submitted on Thursday, May 01, 2008
By F, 29, from CAnada:
Me and my best friend who I love eventually acknowledged that we had feelings for each about a month back, however timing meant that we couldn't really be together in a relationship. He wasn't/isn't ready due to some issues that he needs to sort out and I am leaving the country. Out of respect for him, as I know he needs to sort himself out, I chose to not pursue it.
However, the friends-only thing has become very frustrating. We've inexplicably got closer, touching knees and blatant footsie going on, mainly by him, staying up till the early hours of the morning and general staring at each other. I am going away for the year in 4 weeks... I know our friendship will always be there but I feel our time for anything more is now.... my question is am I right in thinking he feels the same and should I just go for it??
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
You are sadly mistaken if you think your friendship will always be there. You may become lovers or you may not, but you'll never be the kind of friends you were before.
Just because he touches and flirts with you does not follow that he would be interested in more at this time. You shouldn't assume he does. However, given the interest you have shown on each other, what's the point in not going for it? Going away and dealing with the "what if..." is a lot worse than even a flat rejection. You need to know where things stand and how to live your life while you're away.
By F, 29, from CAnada:
Me and my best friend who I love eventually acknowledged that we had feelings for each about a month back, however timing meant that we couldn't really be together in a relationship. He wasn't/isn't ready due to some issues that he needs to sort out and I am leaving the country. Out of respect for him, as I know he needs to sort himself out, I chose to not pursue it.
However, the friends-only thing has become very frustrating. We've inexplicably got closer, touching knees and blatant footsie going on, mainly by him, staying up till the early hours of the morning and general staring at each other. I am going away for the year in 4 weeks... I know our friendship will always be there but I feel our time for anything more is now.... my question is am I right in thinking he feels the same and should I just go for it??
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
You are sadly mistaken if you think your friendship will always be there. You may become lovers or you may not, but you'll never be the kind of friends you were before.
Just because he touches and flirts with you does not follow that he would be interested in more at this time. You shouldn't assume he does. However, given the interest you have shown on each other, what's the point in not going for it? Going away and dealing with the "what if..." is a lot worse than even a flat rejection. You need to know where things stand and how to live your life while you're away.
I want him to know before its too late
Submitted on Thursday, May 01, 2008
By Marianna, 18, from Brooklyn:
There's this guy at work that I am really interested in. I know he likes me because he tried asking my sister what kind of guys I like! He asked if I was single. I got more info from a friend of mine who is like a father to me..he got info from him saying that he likes me. But the guy I like has no clue of what I think of him.
I don't get him, he asks me questions, little questions. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't know. Either he's too shy or he's scared that I might say no to him "IF" he decides to ask me out!
How do I talk with him, and make him know that I am interested in him?
He talks to other girls fine, but me he hardly talks except when he passes by he smiles or looks at me. Or at times when we are looking at each other he smiles at me. He helps me put things in their right place in the store. (we work together). basically if i need help he says "ill do it for you"
What do I do? I dont know how to let him know I am interested! I want him to know before its too late.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe your guy is shy or afraid of a "no", but there's a good chance that he's just being smart and learning more about you before he starts spending his money on you.
Girls see a guy they like and want to get him ball-and-chained even before they know if he's a mass murder (and even if he is, they feel they can reform him); guys, on the other hand, once they like a girl they want to find out more about her before they are ball-and-chained to her. Your guy is still in the learning phase. Give him time.
I suggest that you don't overtly tell him that you like him. Instead, let him chase you. Guys love the process of romantic conquest.
By Marianna, 18, from Brooklyn:
There's this guy at work that I am really interested in. I know he likes me because he tried asking my sister what kind of guys I like! He asked if I was single. I got more info from a friend of mine who is like a father to me..he got info from him saying that he likes me. But the guy I like has no clue of what I think of him.
I don't get him, he asks me questions, little questions. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't know. Either he's too shy or he's scared that I might say no to him "IF" he decides to ask me out!
How do I talk with him, and make him know that I am interested in him?
He talks to other girls fine, but me he hardly talks except when he passes by he smiles or looks at me. Or at times when we are looking at each other he smiles at me. He helps me put things in their right place in the store. (we work together). basically if i need help he says "ill do it for you"
What do I do? I dont know how to let him know I am interested! I want him to know before its too late.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe your guy is shy or afraid of a "no", but there's a good chance that he's just being smart and learning more about you before he starts spending his money on you.
Girls see a guy they like and want to get him ball-and-chained even before they know if he's a mass murder (and even if he is, they feel they can reform him); guys, on the other hand, once they like a girl they want to find out more about her before they are ball-and-chained to her. Your guy is still in the learning phase. Give him time.
I suggest that you don't overtly tell him that you like him. Instead, let him chase you. Guys love the process of romantic conquest.
Things got intense
Submitted on Wednesday, April 30, 2008
By Haley, 22, from Boston:
So...I just don't know what to think anymore about this guy I have been seeing. We started off just having a friends with benefits relationship. Things got intense...he started seeing another girl...I got mad and ended it. Well we ended up hooking up with eachother again...and we do having amazing sex. Anyways, I stayed over his house Saturday...went to breakfast in the morning. Then Sunday night he called me and asked me to come over. He was hysterical and upset about his brother who had passed away a year ago. I didn't know what to do...but I sat and listened and he thanked me. Do you think the crying in front of me means anything? Now him and his friends hate one of my best girlfriends. We got in a huge fight about it the other nite...and he said not to put her in the middle of me and him. I said okay. I called him today, and he said he wasn't mad at me. I am not talking to my friend right now because she called him one night screaming at him for talking about her and being mean to me. He's not mean to me...sometimes he is just odd and kiss me hello...other times he is all over me. During sex the other night he said he loved me but I don't think he realized it. We are not dating...I don't know what to do. I really like him...but I don't want to seem pushy. What do you think is up? PLEASE HELP ME!
VictorM's advice:
Crying about his brother was a spur of the moment reaction that has zero reflection on feelings for you.
Telling you that he loves you during sex does not mean that he loves you. It's another spur of the moment reaction.
Your chances of getting him interested in you besides sex will be very slim as long as he keeps getting sex from you under the current conditions. Guys like a girl that's an easy fuck but they won't respect her. And guys prefer a serious girlfriend they can respect.
By Haley, 22, from Boston:
So...I just don't know what to think anymore about this guy I have been seeing. We started off just having a friends with benefits relationship. Things got intense...he started seeing another girl...I got mad and ended it. Well we ended up hooking up with eachother again...and we do having amazing sex. Anyways, I stayed over his house Saturday...went to breakfast in the morning. Then Sunday night he called me and asked me to come over. He was hysterical and upset about his brother who had passed away a year ago. I didn't know what to do...but I sat and listened and he thanked me. Do you think the crying in front of me means anything? Now him and his friends hate one of my best girlfriends. We got in a huge fight about it the other nite...and he said not to put her in the middle of me and him. I said okay. I called him today, and he said he wasn't mad at me. I am not talking to my friend right now because she called him one night screaming at him for talking about her and being mean to me. He's not mean to me...sometimes he is just odd and kiss me hello...other times he is all over me. During sex the other night he said he loved me but I don't think he realized it. We are not dating...I don't know what to do. I really like him...but I don't want to seem pushy. What do you think is up? PLEASE HELP ME!
VictorM's advice:
Crying about his brother was a spur of the moment reaction that has zero reflection on feelings for you.
Telling you that he loves you during sex does not mean that he loves you. It's another spur of the moment reaction.
Your chances of getting him interested in you besides sex will be very slim as long as he keeps getting sex from you under the current conditions. Guys like a girl that's an easy fuck but they won't respect her. And guys prefer a serious girlfriend they can respect.
I was being hypercritical
Submitted on Wednesday, April 30, 2008
By charlotte, 26, from san saba:
I met a guy in my office building a few months ago. We hit it off immediately as friends. Now, about 4 months later we are boyfriend/girlfriend. Problem is when he was showing me something on email, I saw an email from a popular website and it was regarding a personal he placed on this website. I was not even aware that this website had personals. I looked on there and sure enough I found his profile. I have not been able to stop thinking about it, but have decided to wait a week or so before I say anything. Last night we hung out and being that I cannot stop thinking of the profile he has on this website, I was being hypercritical in evaluating how he was acting towards me. Truth be told, after he finished doing what he was doing, he was acting pretty normal and was sweet to me. I was a little sarcastic. When he walked me to my car, he was kissing on my cheek and then I pulled him closer and said come here and I kissed him on the lips. Then my feelings of insecurity washed over me and i said: "you are being kinda weird today". As he closed my car door, I don't even think I looked at him. I feel badly for leaving like I did - so immaturely. I called him later that night not too long after I returned home to tell him that something real quick-left a cute message-and I never heard back. What do you think of my behavior. Could he be that mad?
VictorM's advice:
I suppose he could be mad but if you're basing your submissions on him not returning a call from one night earlier, particularly when he didn't seem to be mad, I'd say you're jumping the gun.
Just ask the guy about the profile instead of letting it eat you from the inside. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
By charlotte, 26, from san saba:
I met a guy in my office building a few months ago. We hit it off immediately as friends. Now, about 4 months later we are boyfriend/girlfriend. Problem is when he was showing me something on email, I saw an email from a popular website and it was regarding a personal he placed on this website. I was not even aware that this website had personals. I looked on there and sure enough I found his profile. I have not been able to stop thinking about it, but have decided to wait a week or so before I say anything. Last night we hung out and being that I cannot stop thinking of the profile he has on this website, I was being hypercritical in evaluating how he was acting towards me. Truth be told, after he finished doing what he was doing, he was acting pretty normal and was sweet to me. I was a little sarcastic. When he walked me to my car, he was kissing on my cheek and then I pulled him closer and said come here and I kissed him on the lips. Then my feelings of insecurity washed over me and i said: "you are being kinda weird today". As he closed my car door, I don't even think I looked at him. I feel badly for leaving like I did - so immaturely. I called him later that night not too long after I returned home to tell him that something real quick-left a cute message-and I never heard back. What do you think of my behavior. Could he be that mad?
VictorM's advice:
I suppose he could be mad but if you're basing your submissions on him not returning a call from one night earlier, particularly when he didn't seem to be mad, I'd say you're jumping the gun.
Just ask the guy about the profile instead of letting it eat you from the inside. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
He just fools around with me and jokes around
Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By Angel, 15:
I have a male friend who is 24 years old. Whenever he comes to my house, he just fools around with me and jokes around. Often when he uses my computer when I'm using it, he wraps his arm around me, but it isn't something like a hug. And when I go to my bed for a lay, he would come too and just go on top of me. I cannot understand how he feels. Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
I would say he is fond of you and likes you physically, but I doubt very much that romantic feelings are involved.
By Angel, 15:
I have a male friend who is 24 years old. Whenever he comes to my house, he just fools around with me and jokes around. Often when he uses my computer when I'm using it, he wraps his arm around me, but it isn't something like a hug. And when I go to my bed for a lay, he would come too and just go on top of me. I cannot understand how he feels. Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
I would say he is fond of you and likes you physically, but I doubt very much that romantic feelings are involved.
Reconnecting with old friends
Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
How do you reconnect with a guy who you were friends with before? I was good friends with this guy, but then he found out I liked him. We talked it over a few times, but talking really didn’t make anything better, it just put everything on the table. The big thing he mentioned is that I made him really uncomfortable, which I really didn’t mean to. I apologized, and now we basically don’t talk. When we do, it’s very cold, formal and unfriendly. I miss this guy a great deal and would really like to be friends again. Do you have any suggestions? Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Friendship is like doing the tango -- it takes two to make it work. You may wish all you want to regain the friendship but if he's not up to it, you should respect that and spend your energies making other friendships as good as they can get. Besides, if you show too much desire for him, it just confirms that you have feelings for him that he doesn't have for you, further scaring him away. Give him time and space and he might still come around; try too hard and you just push him away further.
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
How do you reconnect with a guy who you were friends with before? I was good friends with this guy, but then he found out I liked him. We talked it over a few times, but talking really didn’t make anything better, it just put everything on the table. The big thing he mentioned is that I made him really uncomfortable, which I really didn’t mean to. I apologized, and now we basically don’t talk. When we do, it’s very cold, formal and unfriendly. I miss this guy a great deal and would really like to be friends again. Do you have any suggestions? Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Friendship is like doing the tango -- it takes two to make it work. You may wish all you want to regain the friendship but if he's not up to it, you should respect that and spend your energies making other friendships as good as they can get. Besides, if you show too much desire for him, it just confirms that you have feelings for him that he doesn't have for you, further scaring him away. Give him time and space and he might still come around; try too hard and you just push him away further.
I'm his first serious girlfriend
Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By lovely, 24:
Dear Victor,
My boyfriend I are in a long distance relationship for 8 months and have been together about other weekend. I'm his first serious girlfriend, and am positive he cares about me deeply. Two weeks ago he missed our weekend due to a lot of work (he's a student and his funding depends on grades) and he's going to miss the next two and I the third one due to a trip.
This is hard on me because he can't be here for me and I miss him a lot and at first I was angry and depressed and he realized this and asked me if it was really worth it for me. I contemplated this and realized that I care for him enough that I'd rather deal with the distance and be with him and have a good time with someone else next to me.
Problem is, that now he's acting distant and keeps going over this point that I brough up months ago about how it's so hard and he's just making me sad and he doesn't want to see me sad. When he talks to me now, he's very short and distant and doesn't even bother calling me anymore (big deal because he is not a private person and shares almost ALL his feeling with me, especially when it comes to work). I know he's very stressed and depressed right now, and he continuously mentions how guilty he feels that he can't be there for me. I don't want my relationship to be ruined by a couple of finals, but I really don't know what to do. Do I just let him be? This is the perfect opportunity for me to show him how much I care for him and that I can be there for him, but because I've never seen him like this before and nothing that has worked in the past is working now, I am completely lost on what to do.. and it's breaking my heart.
By the way, I do have hobbies, job, life and don't need to keep myself any busier, so don't tell me that. It's hard for those things to make you happy when someone you love is suffering and you don't know how to help them.
Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
Well, lovely, I won't tell you to get hobbies, but I will tell you to drop the melodramatics. Your boyfriend is "suffering"? Your characterization seems to grossly exaggerate the situation and the rest of your submission suggests that you're the only one who can cure such malady. Both assertions sound wrong to me.
Guys are problem solvers. They like to deal with their own problems. The best you can do is stay out of the way and let him deal with his situation. I'm sure he's stressed. I'm sure he feels some guilt. And I'm sure they are both temporary measures that will go away once finals are out of the way.
Go out with your friends, carrying on with your hobbies, be a sympathetic ear if and when he does call to talk about his work or school but do him, and yourself, a favor and stop acting like you're his mommy.
By lovely, 24:
Dear Victor,
My boyfriend I are in a long distance relationship for 8 months and have been together about other weekend. I'm his first serious girlfriend, and am positive he cares about me deeply. Two weeks ago he missed our weekend due to a lot of work (he's a student and his funding depends on grades) and he's going to miss the next two and I the third one due to a trip.
This is hard on me because he can't be here for me and I miss him a lot and at first I was angry and depressed and he realized this and asked me if it was really worth it for me. I contemplated this and realized that I care for him enough that I'd rather deal with the distance and be with him and have a good time with someone else next to me.
Problem is, that now he's acting distant and keeps going over this point that I brough up months ago about how it's so hard and he's just making me sad and he doesn't want to see me sad. When he talks to me now, he's very short and distant and doesn't even bother calling me anymore (big deal because he is not a private person and shares almost ALL his feeling with me, especially when it comes to work). I know he's very stressed and depressed right now, and he continuously mentions how guilty he feels that he can't be there for me. I don't want my relationship to be ruined by a couple of finals, but I really don't know what to do. Do I just let him be? This is the perfect opportunity for me to show him how much I care for him and that I can be there for him, but because I've never seen him like this before and nothing that has worked in the past is working now, I am completely lost on what to do.. and it's breaking my heart.
By the way, I do have hobbies, job, life and don't need to keep myself any busier, so don't tell me that. It's hard for those things to make you happy when someone you love is suffering and you don't know how to help them.
Thanks so much!
VictorM's advice:
Well, lovely, I won't tell you to get hobbies, but I will tell you to drop the melodramatics. Your boyfriend is "suffering"? Your characterization seems to grossly exaggerate the situation and the rest of your submission suggests that you're the only one who can cure such malady. Both assertions sound wrong to me.
Guys are problem solvers. They like to deal with their own problems. The best you can do is stay out of the way and let him deal with his situation. I'm sure he's stressed. I'm sure he feels some guilt. And I'm sure they are both temporary measures that will go away once finals are out of the way.
Go out with your friends, carrying on with your hobbies, be a sympathetic ear if and when he does call to talk about his work or school but do him, and yourself, a favor and stop acting like you're his mommy.
Friday, May 02, 2008
He doesn't know what he wants
Submitted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008
By luz stewart, 19, from california:
What does it mean when a guy says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's a coward who's afraid to tell you that he knows he doesn't want you.
By luz stewart, 19, from california:
What does it mean when a guy says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's a coward who's afraid to tell you that he knows he doesn't want you.
