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Friday, May 16, 2008
When we came back he made his move and kissed me
Submitted on Wednesday, May 14, 2008
By MICHELLE, 25, from MORENO VALLEY, CA:
So there is this guy that at first I thought was very interested in me but always said oh we should go watch a movie but we never really end up doing anything. Finally I gave him my number and he called. We talked every day and then now it's only when I call. He is 6 yrs older than me. I'm mature for my age so we have a lot in common. He recently had lasik surgery and I took him we slept on the same bed but nothing happened he didn't try to make a move but also he was sedated. but he treated me like if we were dating that whole weekend. Then finally when we came back he made his move and kissed me. He wanted more but I didn't want to rush things. Now when I talk to him he's not as energetic when I used to see him. What do you think is going on? I still talk to him like always. He is not the type to be a player. From what I know he's a very mellow guy. Doesn't drink, doesn't party. family oriented, and just got out of a serious relationship about 8 months ago.
VictorM's advice:
Well, you put the brakes on his advance towards you, so he's slowed down. Besides, it's normal for the intensity of the first few days or weeks to drop a few notches. He's more secure about where you two stand and therefore there's more calmness now.
Of course, he could be losing interest in you but why think negative thoughts?
By MICHELLE, 25, from MORENO VALLEY, CA:
So there is this guy that at first I thought was very interested in me but always said oh we should go watch a movie but we never really end up doing anything. Finally I gave him my number and he called. We talked every day and then now it's only when I call. He is 6 yrs older than me. I'm mature for my age so we have a lot in common. He recently had lasik surgery and I took him we slept on the same bed but nothing happened he didn't try to make a move but also he was sedated. but he treated me like if we were dating that whole weekend. Then finally when we came back he made his move and kissed me. He wanted more but I didn't want to rush things. Now when I talk to him he's not as energetic when I used to see him. What do you think is going on? I still talk to him like always. He is not the type to be a player. From what I know he's a very mellow guy. Doesn't drink, doesn't party. family oriented, and just got out of a serious relationship about 8 months ago.
VictorM's advice:
Well, you put the brakes on his advance towards you, so he's slowed down. Besides, it's normal for the intensity of the first few days or weeks to drop a few notches. He's more secure about where you two stand and therefore there's more calmness now.
Of course, he could be losing interest in you but why think negative thoughts?
Just sex
Submitted on Wednesday, May 14, 2008
By Monica, 26, from ill:
How can you tell if a guy wants a relationship with you or just sex?
VictorM's advice:
Don't have sex for a while and see if he sticks around.
But really, if you're skeptical you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Relationships are hard enough. Start without trust and chances are you're getting nowhere.
By Monica, 26, from ill:
How can you tell if a guy wants a relationship with you or just sex?
VictorM's advice:
Don't have sex for a while and see if he sticks around.
But really, if you're skeptical you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Relationships are hard enough. Start without trust and chances are you're getting nowhere.
He's so shy and doesn't seem the "boyfriend type."
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Kristi, 22, from New York:
Um, well my boyfriend is really nice and is better talking on the phone but when it comes to the public, he's so shy and doesn't seem the "boyfriend type." What does it mean?
VictorM's advice:
It just means he doesn't like to show emotion in public. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you; it's all about how he feels about himself. Chances are he grew-up in a family where affection wasn't shown or was even rediculed.
The best bet would be for him to see a professional therapist. At a minimum, discuss this with him but don't put him on the defensive. Show sympathy and understanding and offer to help.
If he's willing to try, I suggest you step back and realize that he's not going to change overnight. If you make an effort to show affection in public towards him, start small. Maybe just holding hands. Build up his level of trust. Reward him when he does something that shows progress. Yeah, just like training a puppy.
By Kristi, 22, from New York:
Um, well my boyfriend is really nice and is better talking on the phone but when it comes to the public, he's so shy and doesn't seem the "boyfriend type." What does it mean?
VictorM's advice:
It just means he doesn't like to show emotion in public. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you; it's all about how he feels about himself. Chances are he grew-up in a family where affection wasn't shown or was even rediculed.
The best bet would be for him to see a professional therapist. At a minimum, discuss this with him but don't put him on the defensive. Show sympathy and understanding and offer to help.
If he's willing to try, I suggest you step back and realize that he's not going to change overnight. If you make an effort to show affection in public towards him, start small. Maybe just holding hands. Build up his level of trust. Reward him when he does something that shows progress. Yeah, just like training a puppy.
Nothing has happened
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Tiffany, 13, from Coppell:
There is a guy that I like a lot. But he is confusing me so bad right now! About a month and a half ago, we told each other we like each other, and nothing has happened. Sometimes, he makes it completely obvious that he likes me, other times, he makes me feel like I am nothing!!!
At our last dance, he had gone over to my house with one of my friends and we had a great time!! but then...we went to the dance, and he left me to play volleyball with his (ex? =.) crush. He promised that he would go dance with me soon...and he never came...and I cried later that night at the dance (long story) and he got really upset that I was crying because of him, and started crying!!! And, he went on myspace and wrote that he was really mad at himself because he had ruined his only chance...and said sorry, and that he liked me alot and that he never wanted to see me cry again. ='] I felt so good.
Or, like yesterday, when in math class, he came over to me and was sitting by me...we were talking and laughing...it was great (although we didn't finish our work =p)But then, today, he seemed totally distant and in a really bad mood, and hardly even talked to me, except when he came over and sat by me in math and said that the movie we were watching was gay!
A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me...and I guess he might be, but I don't know, because then I talk to him and he makes me feel like he does like me a lot!! HELP!!
He always listens to me, and notices when I am around...we always make eye contact and smile, but I don't know, he is confusing me...
Oh...and one of my friends suggested me asking HIM out... would that be wierd? =. and is it a good idea...or do I just need to move on?
VictorM's advice:
"A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me". What? Using you for what? Do you girls even know what that means or do you all go to some school to learn these dumb things? I think a lot of your friends are just plain wacky!
Enjoy the good times and give him some slack when he's moody. His moods really aren't a reflections of his feelings for you. It's just that hormones are flooding his system and it causes all kinds of unpredictable reactions. That's why boys are so moody, specially at your age. Your friend sounds very normal to me.
You could ask him out to a movie or something, but it's best to let him do it. Boys your age need to built up their confidence and asking a girl out is one of those things they prefer to do, even if it can take a while for them to get the courage to do it.
By Tiffany, 13, from Coppell:
There is a guy that I like a lot. But he is confusing me so bad right now! About a month and a half ago, we told each other we like each other, and nothing has happened. Sometimes, he makes it completely obvious that he likes me, other times, he makes me feel like I am nothing!!!
At our last dance, he had gone over to my house with one of my friends and we had a great time!! but then...we went to the dance, and he left me to play volleyball with his (ex? =.) crush. He promised that he would go dance with me soon...and he never came...and I cried later that night at the dance (long story) and he got really upset that I was crying because of him, and started crying!!! And, he went on myspace and wrote that he was really mad at himself because he had ruined his only chance...and said sorry, and that he liked me alot and that he never wanted to see me cry again. ='] I felt so good.
Or, like yesterday, when in math class, he came over to me and was sitting by me...we were talking and laughing...it was great (although we didn't finish our work =p)But then, today, he seemed totally distant and in a really bad mood, and hardly even talked to me, except when he came over and sat by me in math and said that the movie we were watching was gay!
A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me...and I guess he might be, but I don't know, because then I talk to him and he makes me feel like he does like me a lot!! HELP!!
He always listens to me, and notices when I am around...we always make eye contact and smile, but I don't know, he is confusing me...
Oh...and one of my friends suggested me asking HIM out... would that be wierd? =. and is it a good idea...or do I just need to move on?
VictorM's advice:
"A lot of my friends are saying that he is being a player and using me". What? Using you for what? Do you girls even know what that means or do you all go to some school to learn these dumb things? I think a lot of your friends are just plain wacky!
Enjoy the good times and give him some slack when he's moody. His moods really aren't a reflections of his feelings for you. It's just that hormones are flooding his system and it causes all kinds of unpredictable reactions. That's why boys are so moody, specially at your age. Your friend sounds very normal to me.
You could ask him out to a movie or something, but it's best to let him do it. Boys your age need to built up their confidence and asking a girl out is one of those things they prefer to do, even if it can take a while for them to get the courage to do it.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
He just walks away from me
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By kristin, 13, from ma:
There's this really cute guy I like A LOT!!! He flirts with me in some classes and my friends notice but he smiles at me and we tell jokes but when he walks near his girlfriend and I'm with him he just walks away from me..like he doesn't know me. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Pay attention to his behavior but do nothing else.
How he behaves now is how he will behave if you ever become his girlfriend. How would you like it if he flirted with another girl behind your back?
By kristin, 13, from ma:
There's this really cute guy I like A LOT!!! He flirts with me in some classes and my friends notice but he smiles at me and we tell jokes but when he walks near his girlfriend and I'm with him he just walks away from me..like he doesn't know me. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Pay attention to his behavior but do nothing else.
How he behaves now is how he will behave if you ever become his girlfriend. How would you like it if he flirted with another girl behind your back?
How do I know if the man really loves me?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By lynie lissa, 24, from abu dhabi:
How do I know if the man really loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Do you honestly feel loved by him? If you don't, he doesn't love you, not matter what he says. If you do, that's as close as you can get. There are no guarantees. Besides, being sure would be a bore and would just make you lazy.
Love = work. Keep working every day because success today doesn't guarantee success tomorrow.
By lynie lissa, 24, from abu dhabi:
How do I know if the man really loves me?
VictorM's advice:
Do you honestly feel loved by him? If you don't, he doesn't love you, not matter what he says. If you do, that's as close as you can get. There are no guarantees. Besides, being sure would be a bore and would just make you lazy.
Love = work. Keep working every day because success today doesn't guarantee success tomorrow.
Taking a step back
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Sandra, 31, from Los Angeles:
I met a guy online in Aug and we wrote back and forth. We met in person in January and our first date lasted 21 hours. It was very intense from the start and lasted that way about 4 months. Along the way I have learned he is a workaholic and is also overwhelmed with the amount of work that has been put on his plate.
He lives an hour away (without traffic) so we don't see each other during the week. He works 6 days a week, so if he has other plans on a Saturday, it means we go 2 weeks without seeing each other. This has made me upset and I think it makes him feel more stressed out that I get upset about how little we see each other. He has asked to take a step back and at first I thought he meant breaking up. I asked him if he was looking for a way out, and he said no. So, now I have accepted taking a step back - kind of like dating because we skipped that step and went straight to being bf and gf.
The sex is amazing, we get along great, we have so much fun when we're together, we're highly attracted to each other and share many interests and values. I told him I was afraid I wasn't enough for him - that maybe there's a girl out there that would make him feel that commitment that would pull him away from work and give the relationship more time. But he said that I was what he's looking for, beautiful, intelligent, worldly perspective, etc. I feel that he does want us to have a chance, but work is his priority and wonder if that will ever change. He's 27.
Now, I have some questions - if we're taking a step back, do I withhold sex a bit to make him miss me/ want me more again? Do I let him do all the calling like I did the first month after we met? How long should I stay in this dating stage, especially considering we've already experienced such intensity beforehand? Do you think we can move past this and establish a stable relationship? Is he just hanging onto me because I'm a sure thing?
Some enlightenment would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Sandra
VictorM's advice:
I have a question of my own. What will taking a step back accomplish? He's still a workaholic and you're still not seeing him as much as you'd like. So I just don't see the point.
You also seem to be very lackadaisical about him being a workaholic. Do you realize how terrible to a relationship that can be? If he's this way during the early stages of the courtship, what do you think will happen later?
Anyway... on to answering your question:
If you're stepping back to a dating only situation, you should behave accordingly. Would you have sex with such a guy? I don't think you should have/not have sex as a ploy to get him to miss you -- that really doesn't work anyway. You should behave based on your value system.
I believe that going back to dating accomplishes nothing so I can't say how long you should stay in that mode because frankly, I don't think you should be in that mode. You should be in the mode of either understanding the situation and trying to make it work, or you should move on.
I don't believe you can establish a good relationship because you're basically saying that it's OK for his work to take priority over you. That just spells disaster in the long run. Besides, I really do believe that taking a step back is just a way of taking a step away.
He's not hanging on to you because you're a sure thing; he's going along because he doesn't want to make you cry and come across as the bad guy. Sure, he's likely to take the sex if it's on the table, but if sex is all he wanted he wouldn't be taking a step back. I think between the two of you he's the only one seeing the futility of your predicament, he just lacks the courage to say it straight out.
By Sandra, 31, from Los Angeles:
I met a guy online in Aug and we wrote back and forth. We met in person in January and our first date lasted 21 hours. It was very intense from the start and lasted that way about 4 months. Along the way I have learned he is a workaholic and is also overwhelmed with the amount of work that has been put on his plate.
He lives an hour away (without traffic) so we don't see each other during the week. He works 6 days a week, so if he has other plans on a Saturday, it means we go 2 weeks without seeing each other. This has made me upset and I think it makes him feel more stressed out that I get upset about how little we see each other. He has asked to take a step back and at first I thought he meant breaking up. I asked him if he was looking for a way out, and he said no. So, now I have accepted taking a step back - kind of like dating because we skipped that step and went straight to being bf and gf.
The sex is amazing, we get along great, we have so much fun when we're together, we're highly attracted to each other and share many interests and values. I told him I was afraid I wasn't enough for him - that maybe there's a girl out there that would make him feel that commitment that would pull him away from work and give the relationship more time. But he said that I was what he's looking for, beautiful, intelligent, worldly perspective, etc. I feel that he does want us to have a chance, but work is his priority and wonder if that will ever change. He's 27.
Now, I have some questions - if we're taking a step back, do I withhold sex a bit to make him miss me/ want me more again? Do I let him do all the calling like I did the first month after we met? How long should I stay in this dating stage, especially considering we've already experienced such intensity beforehand? Do you think we can move past this and establish a stable relationship? Is he just hanging onto me because I'm a sure thing?
Some enlightenment would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Sandra
VictorM's advice:
I have a question of my own. What will taking a step back accomplish? He's still a workaholic and you're still not seeing him as much as you'd like. So I just don't see the point.
You also seem to be very lackadaisical about him being a workaholic. Do you realize how terrible to a relationship that can be? If he's this way during the early stages of the courtship, what do you think will happen later?
Anyway... on to answering your question:
If you're stepping back to a dating only situation, you should behave accordingly. Would you have sex with such a guy? I don't think you should have/not have sex as a ploy to get him to miss you -- that really doesn't work anyway. You should behave based on your value system.
I believe that going back to dating accomplishes nothing so I can't say how long you should stay in that mode because frankly, I don't think you should be in that mode. You should be in the mode of either understanding the situation and trying to make it work, or you should move on.
I don't believe you can establish a good relationship because you're basically saying that it's OK for his work to take priority over you. That just spells disaster in the long run. Besides, I really do believe that taking a step back is just a way of taking a step away.
He's not hanging on to you because you're a sure thing; he's going along because he doesn't want to make you cry and come across as the bad guy. Sure, he's likely to take the sex if it's on the table, but if sex is all he wanted he wouldn't be taking a step back. I think between the two of you he's the only one seeing the futility of your predicament, he just lacks the courage to say it straight out.
Did I just get played?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By Hanajay, 18, from UK:
Ok so I've known this guy for about a year not very well but about a month ago maybe more he got my number and non stop we were texting each other for a week. He was saying things like "I've finally got your number I can actually tell you what I think of you with out all the nerves" and "I think that we would be good together" being really sweet. Then one weekend he said he wanted to see me soon, so he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk or something. It was my brother's birthday so I thought I'd invite him (he's close with my brother). Then we both ended up getting way too drunk and ended up sleeping together which both of us know was not meant to happen. He then later on told me he wanted to be friends with me. I saw him the next week in town he was drunk so was I. I was really angry so I called him a player. He said "I'm not a player the only playing I do is cards" and "I just wanted to take it slow". I haven't seen him or spoke to him since but I was talking to his best mate today and I said "how's the player" he replied "he's not a player he just doesn't know how to handle the situation" and "he really liked you but you slept together and you're his mate he doesn't know what to say to that" and "none of it would have happened if you two never slept together." So obviuosly I'm slightly confused on whether I just got played or whether he's scared of commitment or what. Have any ideas??
VictorM's advice:
You didn't get played and he's not afraid of commitment. You simply jumped way ahead of where he's like to be and he was trying to get back to the starting point. But you're being a dick about it.
Chances are he has realized that there's nothing appealing about a girl who gets drunk and acts like a dick. If he's smart, he has moved on.
By Hanajay, 18, from UK:
Ok so I've known this guy for about a year not very well but about a month ago maybe more he got my number and non stop we were texting each other for a week. He was saying things like "I've finally got your number I can actually tell you what I think of you with out all the nerves" and "I think that we would be good together" being really sweet. Then one weekend he said he wanted to see me soon, so he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk or something. It was my brother's birthday so I thought I'd invite him (he's close with my brother). Then we both ended up getting way too drunk and ended up sleeping together which both of us know was not meant to happen. He then later on told me he wanted to be friends with me. I saw him the next week in town he was drunk so was I. I was really angry so I called him a player. He said "I'm not a player the only playing I do is cards" and "I just wanted to take it slow". I haven't seen him or spoke to him since but I was talking to his best mate today and I said "how's the player" he replied "he's not a player he just doesn't know how to handle the situation" and "he really liked you but you slept together and you're his mate he doesn't know what to say to that" and "none of it would have happened if you two never slept together." So obviuosly I'm slightly confused on whether I just got played or whether he's scared of commitment or what. Have any ideas??
VictorM's advice:
You didn't get played and he's not afraid of commitment. You simply jumped way ahead of where he's like to be and he was trying to get back to the starting point. But you're being a dick about it.
Chances are he has realized that there's nothing appealing about a girl who gets drunk and acts like a dick. If he's smart, he has moved on.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Complicated
Submitted on Monday, May 12, 2008
By christine, 41, from livermore:
What is your conclusion on this:
A man who acts really mean to his girlfriend while he's around or talking to other females? He acts like he doesn't love or need you when he's around his guys or acquaintances. But when he's with you alone, he acts like a puppy that needs love and you.
VictorM's advice:
This is sorta like "Complicated", the Avril Lavigne song, isn't it?
I like you the way you are
When we're, driving in my car
And you're talking to me
One on one
But you become
Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool
To me
Talk to him about it and help him to see a professional therapist. Your guy probably came from a family where showing affection in public was seen as an act of weakness. It's doubtful that he can change on his own, even if he wanted to. He has to get to the bottom of why this is happening.
I would not write him off provided he recognizes the problem and is willing to do something about it.
By christine, 41, from livermore:
What is your conclusion on this:
A man who acts really mean to his girlfriend while he's around or talking to other females? He acts like he doesn't love or need you when he's around his guys or acquaintances. But when he's with you alone, he acts like a puppy that needs love and you.
VictorM's advice:
This is sorta like "Complicated", the Avril Lavigne song, isn't it?
I like you the way you are
When we're, driving in my car
And you're talking to me
One on one
But you become
Somebody else
'Round everyone else
Watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool
You look like a fool
To me
Talk to him about it and help him to see a professional therapist. Your guy probably came from a family where showing affection in public was seen as an act of weakness. It's doubtful that he can change on his own, even if he wanted to. He has to get to the bottom of why this is happening.
I would not write him off provided he recognizes the problem and is willing to do something about it.
Is it bad to tell a guy you like him?
Submitted on Sunday, May 11, 2008
By Jamie, 16, from Colorado:
So, the guy I like recently became aware of that fact. His reaction was, "Hmm. That's good to know." I totally don't know how to read that or what to do. I want to just forget about it, but I can't move on. He's really sweet, gets along with everyone, and we're into the same things. What do I do? Is it bad to tell a guy you like him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it generally is a mistake to tell a guy you like him. Why? Because it feeds his ego and guys start thinking... hey, if Jamie likes me, maybe Suzy, or Carol, or Amber, or Bambi like me too. And it most likely to set them off to see who else they can get because they know that Jamie is a sure thing. Guys don't really like a sure thing; they like mystery and conquest and a challenge. Now, you provide none of those.
What to do? Start giving him a bit of the cold shoulder. That does not mean be rude, it just means don't pay him a lot of attention. Then, he's likely to start wondering what's the matter with you and voila! you become a mystery. This is why playing hard to get pays off.
By Jamie, 16, from Colorado:
So, the guy I like recently became aware of that fact. His reaction was, "Hmm. That's good to know." I totally don't know how to read that or what to do. I want to just forget about it, but I can't move on. He's really sweet, gets along with everyone, and we're into the same things. What do I do? Is it bad to tell a guy you like him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it generally is a mistake to tell a guy you like him. Why? Because it feeds his ego and guys start thinking... hey, if Jamie likes me, maybe Suzy, or Carol, or Amber, or Bambi like me too. And it most likely to set them off to see who else they can get because they know that Jamie is a sure thing. Guys don't really like a sure thing; they like mystery and conquest and a challenge. Now, you provide none of those.
What to do? Start giving him a bit of the cold shoulder. That does not mean be rude, it just means don't pay him a lot of attention. Then, he's likely to start wondering what's the matter with you and voila! you become a mystery. This is why playing hard to get pays off.
He apparently didn't save my number
Submitted on Sunday, May 11, 2008
By celeste willis, 37, from Canterbury:
I smsed a guy twice, he replied but apparently didn't save my number and could not make it to an outing I organised with friends. He apologised through a friend and then in person only because we happen to run into each other. Is this guy not interested? I feel that he may not be. I gave him another chance and invited him spontaneously to catch up just for a drink after work and he said he couldn't make it. I find it hard to believe that a guy who your friends claim is keen on you loses your number.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have lost your number. Losing, misplacing, erasing, forgetting... this stuff happens all the time. Then you asked him to a drink "spontaneously" and you're expecting the guy to jump at your request. But come on, people have lives, commitments, appointments, etc.
Give the guy another chance.
By celeste willis, 37, from Canterbury:
I smsed a guy twice, he replied but apparently didn't save my number and could not make it to an outing I organised with friends. He apologised through a friend and then in person only because we happen to run into each other. Is this guy not interested? I feel that he may not be. I gave him another chance and invited him spontaneously to catch up just for a drink after work and he said he couldn't make it. I find it hard to believe that a guy who your friends claim is keen on you loses your number.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have lost your number. Losing, misplacing, erasing, forgetting... this stuff happens all the time. Then you asked him to a drink "spontaneously" and you're expecting the guy to jump at your request. But come on, people have lives, commitments, appointments, etc.
Give the guy another chance.
I'm not Tibetan
Submitted on Saturday, May 10, 2008
By Helen, 18, from Nyc:
First off I would like to, with all my heart, thank you for your time in giving true advice (what you do is immensely honorable). I would really appreciate your help with this situation that I currently find myself in, for I lack experience and therefore don't know how to approach this in the correct way. So I've never had a relationship before and have always just dated (even if its months on end with the same person). In the end of March I met this guy at an auto show whom was friends with a friend of a friend(its a group of college buddies really). We all go to the same university but he is a junior and i am a freshman. He is Tibetan and he is proud of his culture and truly supports his country. Anyways we met that day and as a group of seven people we decided to go have lunch and then we went to this candlelight gathering in a movement to raise awareness to Free Tibet. Well afterwards we all agreed to go play some pool at our universities hall and him and I went to buy a couple of beers for our group. He drank a bit that night and well nothing much happened other than we held hands and he seemed he was pretty much interested in me. I don't know much about the Asian culture but soon learned that they tend to be reserved. Anyways since that time we have had dates and all month of April we were getting really close and intimate. Then just last week he kindof stopped texting and calling and at first I was worried that something happened but then again we were starting Finals week so I just thought that maybe he was very busy preparing for finals. We didn't speak AT ALL for about four days and I admit that I was pretty heartbroken...I am a proud individual and if he was pulling the "i am no longer interested in you..therefore I will not be calling anymore so you will get the message", then I acted the same way back. This tuesday one of my closest friends had lunch with him (since she is also a friend of his) and throughout the whole lunch he spoke about me and what he "had"/ "Are". So he said:
1. That because I'm not Tibetan, he thinks that he is wasting my time for he could NEVER introduce me to his family (I'm white)
2. He thinks that I want a relationship and he's never had one so he is confused as to what to do for he is a guy that constantly thinks of the future and building himself up for it.and therefore he doesn't know how I would fit into the puzzle of his life (for the record I just want to see him..I don't mind not being introduced to his family..just to be what we were)
3. He told my friend not to share what he was telling her to me for he WILL call me and talk to me for he told her he knows that by not calling its rude and he knows it's bad on his part.
So when she told me all of this I texted him the following day in the morning asking how he was and just nicely put saying that I'm confused as to what is going on and I would just really like to talk to him. It was finals week so he was quite busy and kept making ambiguous plans to meet and then later would cancel for he wouldn't be available at the time he thought he would be. So after three times of hoping to talk to him and then him canceling I stopped all further communication. I really really do like him and I have NEVER felt this way for a guy before..and he truly is a good guy..and I'm not just saying this because I truly know the difference. He truly shows his feelings to me in private and I could tell he like me. He is a gentleman in every way and form to not just me but to women in general but then he does this and I feel like I was fooled. He called yesterday and I picked up because I just need to hear what he wants to say (For the first time I actualy opened up myself to someone (him) and ended up getting really hurt so I just truly wanted some sort of closure). He asked how have I been and if I was busy at the moment for he was at the university then (and I dorm..so it was possible for us to meet). I lied and said I was not around...if I saw him in person I might have broken down in tears (I wasn't ready to see him) and so he asked me when I'm leaving to miami (for I'm visiting my family there fore two weeks) and I said monday. He was surprised that I was leaving so soon and he said he would have liked to see me before I left. My friend was in the room and she said to say I was busy and to say that "I guess I could see you when I get back". I was surprised at how composed/ normal I sounded and I made myself sound as if I hadn't at all thought of him and had gone on with life as normal. We ended on that term..I had asked him if everything was okay twice and he said yes, but then I was like "are you sure?" and he once again avoided to have such a conversation like that on the phone. Anyways I though we left on okay terms. But throughout the whole day I thought of it more and more and before I leave to miami I would like to text him something nice and I put it out there that I WOULD like to see him when I get back. I really like him and I know he likes me too but the culture thing seems to be a barrier for him...what should I do now? I don't want to lose him..is there anything I could do to attempt to patch things up? Please please help me with this situation...I am really hurt right now and very saddened by all of this :( . Thank you once again.
VictorM's advice:
zzzzzzzz... huh? what? Oh yeah...
You suffer from the western world myopic illness of only seeing the world from one perspective: your own. And this case, the implication that love is all you need. But other cultures place value in many other things and are no more willing to give them up for a partner than you would marry a rapist or a serial killer just because you love him.
Your closure comes from forgetting the bullshit that comes with fairly tales and romance novels and accepting the values he lives by. You may not like them, it may make you unhappy, but that should be enough to provide closure. Being "in love" is not a requirement in many cultures.
Now, I'm not saying you should give up. After all, if he is going to live in the western world, he will have to adapt to it to some extent. If he's not willing to do that relative to a partner, even if somehow you wound up together, I doubt you would be a happy woman. If he's not willing to be with you on western terms, you don't have a future.
By Helen, 18, from Nyc:
First off I would like to, with all my heart, thank you for your time in giving true advice (what you do is immensely honorable). I would really appreciate your help with this situation that I currently find myself in, for I lack experience and therefore don't know how to approach this in the correct way. So I've never had a relationship before and have always just dated (even if its months on end with the same person). In the end of March I met this guy at an auto show whom was friends with a friend of a friend(its a group of college buddies really). We all go to the same university but he is a junior and i am a freshman. He is Tibetan and he is proud of his culture and truly supports his country. Anyways we met that day and as a group of seven people we decided to go have lunch and then we went to this candlelight gathering in a movement to raise awareness to Free Tibet. Well afterwards we all agreed to go play some pool at our universities hall and him and I went to buy a couple of beers for our group. He drank a bit that night and well nothing much happened other than we held hands and he seemed he was pretty much interested in me. I don't know much about the Asian culture but soon learned that they tend to be reserved. Anyways since that time we have had dates and all month of April we were getting really close and intimate. Then just last week he kindof stopped texting and calling and at first I was worried that something happened but then again we were starting Finals week so I just thought that maybe he was very busy preparing for finals. We didn't speak AT ALL for about four days and I admit that I was pretty heartbroken...I am a proud individual and if he was pulling the "i am no longer interested in you..therefore I will not be calling anymore so you will get the message", then I acted the same way back. This tuesday one of my closest friends had lunch with him (since she is also a friend of his) and throughout the whole lunch he spoke about me and what he "had"/ "Are". So he said:
1. That because I'm not Tibetan, he thinks that he is wasting my time for he could NEVER introduce me to his family (I'm white)
2. He thinks that I want a relationship and he's never had one so he is confused as to what to do for he is a guy that constantly thinks of the future and building himself up for it.and therefore he doesn't know how I would fit into the puzzle of his life (for the record I just want to see him..I don't mind not being introduced to his family..just to be what we were)
3. He told my friend not to share what he was telling her to me for he WILL call me and talk to me for he told her he knows that by not calling its rude and he knows it's bad on his part.
So when she told me all of this I texted him the following day in the morning asking how he was and just nicely put saying that I'm confused as to what is going on and I would just really like to talk to him. It was finals week so he was quite busy and kept making ambiguous plans to meet and then later would cancel for he wouldn't be available at the time he thought he would be. So after three times of hoping to talk to him and then him canceling I stopped all further communication. I really really do like him and I have NEVER felt this way for a guy before..and he truly is a good guy..and I'm not just saying this because I truly know the difference. He truly shows his feelings to me in private and I could tell he like me. He is a gentleman in every way and form to not just me but to women in general but then he does this and I feel like I was fooled. He called yesterday and I picked up because I just need to hear what he wants to say (For the first time I actualy opened up myself to someone (him) and ended up getting really hurt so I just truly wanted some sort of closure). He asked how have I been and if I was busy at the moment for he was at the university then (and I dorm..so it was possible for us to meet). I lied and said I was not around...if I saw him in person I might have broken down in tears (I wasn't ready to see him) and so he asked me when I'm leaving to miami (for I'm visiting my family there fore two weeks) and I said monday. He was surprised that I was leaving so soon and he said he would have liked to see me before I left. My friend was in the room and she said to say I was busy and to say that "I guess I could see you when I get back". I was surprised at how composed/ normal I sounded and I made myself sound as if I hadn't at all thought of him and had gone on with life as normal. We ended on that term..I had asked him if everything was okay twice and he said yes, but then I was like "are you sure?" and he once again avoided to have such a conversation like that on the phone. Anyways I though we left on okay terms. But throughout the whole day I thought of it more and more and before I leave to miami I would like to text him something nice and I put it out there that I WOULD like to see him when I get back. I really like him and I know he likes me too but the culture thing seems to be a barrier for him...what should I do now? I don't want to lose him..is there anything I could do to attempt to patch things up? Please please help me with this situation...I am really hurt right now and very saddened by all of this :( . Thank you once again.
VictorM's advice:
zzzzzzzz... huh? what? Oh yeah...
You suffer from the western world myopic illness of only seeing the world from one perspective: your own. And this case, the implication that love is all you need. But other cultures place value in many other things and are no more willing to give them up for a partner than you would marry a rapist or a serial killer just because you love him.
Your closure comes from forgetting the bullshit that comes with fairly tales and romance novels and accepting the values he lives by. You may not like them, it may make you unhappy, but that should be enough to provide closure. Being "in love" is not a requirement in many cultures.
Now, I'm not saying you should give up. After all, if he is going to live in the western world, he will have to adapt to it to some extent. If he's not willing to do that relative to a partner, even if somehow you wound up together, I doubt you would be a happy woman. If he's not willing to be with you on western terms, you don't have a future.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
He forgot that we were supposed to hang out on Friday
Submitted on Saturday, May 10, 2008
By Lauren, 16, from Ottawa:
I'm a little confussed of what to do. My brofriend has never forgotten me before or anything. Then all of the sudden this weekend he forgot that we were supposed to hang out on Friday, and instead made plans with one of his guy friends, who he is also with all day Saturday. He felt really bad about it and said he'd call me on Friday once he got back from his friend's house ... well, he never called! Even if he was invited to stay another night or whatever couldn't he have called so I at least i knew i wasn't forgotten? Also, I was really upset on Thursday so he wanted to call to make sure I was alright...yet no call...So I don't know, either I should just wait to see when and if he'll call, or if I should call him before he heads off to his friends.
VictorM's advice:
When people don't fear facing someone who is upset about small stuff, they are more likely to call. Chances are that he's a pulling a "it's easier to get forgiveness than to listen to her bitch" move.
So he "forgot" to call, so what? Let him have fun with his friend. Meanwhile, have fun with your friends. Being a nag isn't going to get you anywhere. Two people who can have fun without the other are more likely to enjoy each other when they are together.
By Lauren, 16, from Ottawa:
I'm a little confussed of what to do. My brofriend has never forgotten me before or anything. Then all of the sudden this weekend he forgot that we were supposed to hang out on Friday, and instead made plans with one of his guy friends, who he is also with all day Saturday. He felt really bad about it and said he'd call me on Friday once he got back from his friend's house ... well, he never called! Even if he was invited to stay another night or whatever couldn't he have called so I at least i knew i wasn't forgotten? Also, I was really upset on Thursday so he wanted to call to make sure I was alright...yet no call...So I don't know, either I should just wait to see when and if he'll call, or if I should call him before he heads off to his friends.
VictorM's advice:
When people don't fear facing someone who is upset about small stuff, they are more likely to call. Chances are that he's a pulling a "it's easier to get forgiveness than to listen to her bitch" move.
So he "forgot" to call, so what? Let him have fun with his friend. Meanwhile, have fun with your friends. Being a nag isn't going to get you anywhere. Two people who can have fun without the other are more likely to enjoy each other when they are together.
I am attracted to a trainer at the gym
Submitted on Friday, May 09, 2008
By Katie, 24, from Phoenix:
I am attracted to a trainer at the gym that I am a member at but haven't had the ability to actually talk to him yet. I am somewhat shy when it comes to men and as a result, have difficulty iniating conversation with men that I am interested in. However, I am somewhat of an old fashioned girl and feel as though if he were interested, he would make the first move and try and strike up conversation with me. Is this true or should I do something more on my end? I think there is interest on his end due to our eye contact...but that's all that has occurred between us for the last 2-3 months and I am getting impatient! Should I do something about it or let it go and move on?
VictorM's advice:
Are we talking about a fairly young, muscular, attractive male who deals with all kinds of women -- attractive and otherwise -- on an hourly basis? I ask because you may have to stand at the back of the line.
Now, assuming that you do stand out to him, it's totally plausible that he likes/needs his job too much to risk pursuing you. Many places of employment, like gyms, have rules against staff engaging with clients. And in the gym, before you are a woman, you are a client.
Now, if you could somehow find out what bar or club he hangs out and meet him there "by coincidence"... well, once you're away from his place of work, rules bend or don't apply. Shouldn't be too hard to ask him for a bar or club in the area that he recommends, and what's the best day of the week to go there. ;)
By Katie, 24, from Phoenix:
I am attracted to a trainer at the gym that I am a member at but haven't had the ability to actually talk to him yet. I am somewhat shy when it comes to men and as a result, have difficulty iniating conversation with men that I am interested in. However, I am somewhat of an old fashioned girl and feel as though if he were interested, he would make the first move and try and strike up conversation with me. Is this true or should I do something more on my end? I think there is interest on his end due to our eye contact...but that's all that has occurred between us for the last 2-3 months and I am getting impatient! Should I do something about it or let it go and move on?
VictorM's advice:
Are we talking about a fairly young, muscular, attractive male who deals with all kinds of women -- attractive and otherwise -- on an hourly basis? I ask because you may have to stand at the back of the line.
Now, assuming that you do stand out to him, it's totally plausible that he likes/needs his job too much to risk pursuing you. Many places of employment, like gyms, have rules against staff engaging with clients. And in the gym, before you are a woman, you are a client.
Now, if you could somehow find out what bar or club he hangs out and meet him there "by coincidence"... well, once you're away from his place of work, rules bend or don't apply. Shouldn't be too hard to ask him for a bar or club in the area that he recommends, and what's the best day of the week to go there. ;)
How do I deal with my boyfriend being afraid of committing?
Submitted on Friday, May 09, 2008
By shelby, 22, from washington:
How do I deal with my boyfriend being afraid of committing? He is 26. Things were fine but now he is freaked out (recently within the last two weeks) asking for space because we are hanging out too much (once or twice or week). I can understand that he needs time to adjust after being single for awhile and just getting a new girlfriend. Now he is not sure that he is ready for a girlfriend even though he says he really likes me and hanging out with me. I am giving him space like he asked but I can sit around for ever waiting for him to decide whether or not he wants to be with me. How long should I wait until I say something? We haven't been dating long, about two months (we have been "seeing" each other for about 5) a break up would suck because I really like him but that's where I feel that things are heading. I don't want to push him though since he is still undecided. At least if we breakup it's better now than later...
VictorM's advice:
This so-called "fear or commitment" by guys is really a myth, something that some girls latch on to as a way of deflecting an unwanted reality.
Either a guy feels he doesn't know a girl well enough to get too serious yet or he simply doesn't feel that the girl he's seeing is worth getting serious about. In the first case he'll want to see more of her because that's the only way to get to know her better. In the latter case, well, there are many ways to deal with that... one of them is to ask for a break.
One way or the other your guy is experiencing fear alright, but not of commitment -- he has fear of telling you the truth.
How do I deal with my boyfriend being afraid of committing? He is 26. Things were fine but now he is freaked out (recently within the last two weeks) asking for space because we are hanging out too much (once or twice or week). I can understand that he needs time to adjust after being single for awhile and just getting a new girlfriend. Now he is not sure that he is ready for a girlfriend even though he says he really likes me and hanging out with me. I am giving him space like he asked but I can sit around for ever waiting for him to decide whether or not he wants to be with me. How long should I wait until I say something? We haven't been dating long, about two months (we have been "seeing" each other for about 5) a break up would suck because I really like him but that's where I feel that things are heading. I don't want to push him though since he is still undecided. At least if we breakup it's better now than later...
VictorM's advice:
This so-called "fear or commitment" by guys is really a myth, something that some girls latch on to as a way of deflecting an unwanted reality.
Either a guy feels he doesn't know a girl well enough to get too serious yet or he simply doesn't feel that the girl he's seeing is worth getting serious about. In the first case he'll want to see more of her because that's the only way to get to know her better. In the latter case, well, there are many ways to deal with that... one of them is to ask for a break.
One way or the other your guy is experiencing fear alright, but not of commitment -- he has fear of telling you the truth.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Can't ask him to be my boyfriend
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Jasmine, 12, from south carolina:
How do I ask a boy out if I'm shy? I like him and want to know him better but I can't ask him to be my boyfriend. I just cant say that.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him to be your boyfriend. And you don't even have to ask him out. You just want to find times when you and him can spend time together, without you having to ask. How do you do that? Here's some examples: "I'm going to the mall today at 2 o'clock, if you're there come say hello " (maybe he'll show up, maybe he won't, but if he does, not only can you two talk, but you know he's interested in spending time with you); "I want to see Speed Racer but I'd hate to go alone" (this invites him to offer to take you. If he does, great, if he doesn't, at least there's no rejection).
By Jasmine, 12, from south carolina:
How do I ask a boy out if I'm shy? I like him and want to know him better but I can't ask him to be my boyfriend. I just cant say that.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him to be your boyfriend. And you don't even have to ask him out. You just want to find times when you and him can spend time together, without you having to ask. How do you do that? Here's some examples: "I'm going to the mall today at 2 o'clock, if you're there come say hello " (maybe he'll show up, maybe he won't, but if he does, not only can you two talk, but you know he's interested in spending time with you); "I want to see Speed Racer but I'd hate to go alone" (this invites him to offer to take you. If he does, great, if he doesn't, at least there's no rejection).
I am his first serious girlfriend
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Samantha, 21, from WV:
I have been dating this guy who is 24 for close to five months. I am his first serious girlfriend. Everything progressed fast and we see each other every weekend. Within a month we said that we love each other. In following months, I met his family, he met mine, and his friends and he told me and his friends that he never loved a girl like me and he wants to marry me. I have one more year of school to go and all his friends are getting married and he admitted to being depressed by that. I told him his time will come. We talk a lot about weddings because of those friends, but not about us getting. married.
Recently, I made a mistake and got completely drunk and made out with my roomate. I didn't have any rational otherwise I would have never done that. I told him everything and he broke up with me. Later that same night he took me back and said we were fine. One week later he was distant and told me he needed a break. Basically he broke up with me. He said he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. It's been a little over a week and I'm dying. He said he broke up with me because things were going too fast and I was pressuring him into marriage. He said the thing with my roomate topped it off. He said he realized the seriousmess when he got me a phone on his plan. He said we can be friends but we can't talk for a while and he needs to find out if "I'm the one he can't live without." I talked to him once and asked him if he would go to my friend's wedding with me and he said no, then kept going on about how thats awkward and we can be friends but it's only been a week and we shouldn't talk a lot. What do I do and will he come back?
VictorM's advice:
He's trying to hold on to you but your betrayal is too much for him to handle. Forgetting you is not easy since he was so emotionally invested in you, but every ounce of strength he finds will take him a step further away from you; only moments of weakness makes it appear like he's still trying to work things out.
Will he ever get over your betrayal? It's possible but improbable.
Do you think that if you get completely drunk that you could kill someone? Have sex with a horse? Of course not. So cut out the bullshit about not being rational when you fucked your roommate. You didn't do anything you weren't willing to do all along. You're using alcohol as an excuse.
By Samantha, 21, from WV:
I have been dating this guy who is 24 for close to five months. I am his first serious girlfriend. Everything progressed fast and we see each other every weekend. Within a month we said that we love each other. In following months, I met his family, he met mine, and his friends and he told me and his friends that he never loved a girl like me and he wants to marry me. I have one more year of school to go and all his friends are getting married and he admitted to being depressed by that. I told him his time will come. We talk a lot about weddings because of those friends, but not about us getting. married.
Recently, I made a mistake and got completely drunk and made out with my roomate. I didn't have any rational otherwise I would have never done that. I told him everything and he broke up with me. Later that same night he took me back and said we were fine. One week later he was distant and told me he needed a break. Basically he broke up with me. He said he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. It's been a little over a week and I'm dying. He said he broke up with me because things were going too fast and I was pressuring him into marriage. He said the thing with my roomate topped it off. He said he realized the seriousmess when he got me a phone on his plan. He said we can be friends but we can't talk for a while and he needs to find out if "I'm the one he can't live without." I talked to him once and asked him if he would go to my friend's wedding with me and he said no, then kept going on about how thats awkward and we can be friends but it's only been a week and we shouldn't talk a lot. What do I do and will he come back?
VictorM's advice:
He's trying to hold on to you but your betrayal is too much for him to handle. Forgetting you is not easy since he was so emotionally invested in you, but every ounce of strength he finds will take him a step further away from you; only moments of weakness makes it appear like he's still trying to work things out.
Will he ever get over your betrayal? It's possible but improbable.
Do you think that if you get completely drunk that you could kill someone? Have sex with a horse? Of course not. So cut out the bullshit about not being rational when you fucked your roommate. You didn't do anything you weren't willing to do all along. You're using alcohol as an excuse.
Friday, May 09, 2008
The easy way out
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Jane, 22, from Canada:
Why do guys prefer to run away from problems rather than work them out? It seems that in every relationship I am in, the guy breaks up with me over little things and accuses me of being too dramatic.
VictorM's advice:
If a guy really cares for a girl, he stays and works things out. If he loses interest in her, what's the point of working problems out if, in essence, the magic is gone and he's not into her anymore? See, most guys are very good at not wasting time with girls they don't feel are a good match, so there's nothing to do but head towards the door.
Once a guy loses interest in a girl, running away is an easy way out because otherwise, it all gets overly... dramatic. And life is too short for that.
By Jane, 22, from Canada:
Why do guys prefer to run away from problems rather than work them out? It seems that in every relationship I am in, the guy breaks up with me over little things and accuses me of being too dramatic.
VictorM's advice:
If a guy really cares for a girl, he stays and works things out. If he loses interest in her, what's the point of working problems out if, in essence, the magic is gone and he's not into her anymore? See, most guys are very good at not wasting time with girls they don't feel are a good match, so there's nothing to do but head towards the door.
Once a guy loses interest in a girl, running away is an easy way out because otherwise, it all gets overly... dramatic. And life is too short for that.
If I gave you a blowjob I'd win
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Brittany, 15, from AB:
Okay so here is the deal, in my group of friends there is this guy, we have never been extremely close but we talk and hug ect. I’ve liked him for about 6 months, but as far as I know he has never had a girlfriend, and is fairly shy, but he did know I like dhim nothing just came of it and then I slowly stopped. So one daylast week we where hugging and things happened, and next thing I know my hand is on his crotch and his are down my shirt, YAY for me, then Monday I come back to school, and we are at lunch and he is sitting with his arms around me and we are just cuddling and then we went to work, and he said he was tired and was going to his car I said I didn’t want him to leave me he told me to come, I already figured I would be giving him head before we got in the car, the first day all of this started it started with him tickling me, when he poked my boob, he was like I win, so I poked his crotch and it escalated from there, so we where in his car and he was laying against me with his head on my chest groping my boobs lightly and was like I win and I said, if I gave you a blowjob I'd win, so I did, and he was like you win times infinity I said it was a win win and he agreed. And now he isn’t as snuggly anymore or anything so I figure he got what he wanted now he’s done, am I just being a pessimist or am I right. Keep in mind he is 17 and I am 15.
VictorM's advice:
Damn, where were the girls like you when I was 17.... :-p
I don't know, Brittany, maybe there's something more than boob poking and blow jobs to having a boyfriend. Maybe you need to slow down and take your time getting to know him.
By Brittany, 15, from AB:
Okay so here is the deal, in my group of friends there is this guy, we have never been extremely close but we talk and hug ect. I’ve liked him for about 6 months, but as far as I know he has never had a girlfriend, and is fairly shy, but he did know I like dhim nothing just came of it and then I slowly stopped. So one daylast week we where hugging and things happened, and next thing I know my hand is on his crotch and his are down my shirt, YAY for me, then Monday I come back to school, and we are at lunch and he is sitting with his arms around me and we are just cuddling and then we went to work, and he said he was tired and was going to his car I said I didn’t want him to leave me he told me to come, I already figured I would be giving him head before we got in the car, the first day all of this started it started with him tickling me, when he poked my boob, he was like I win, so I poked his crotch and it escalated from there, so we where in his car and he was laying against me with his head on my chest groping my boobs lightly and was like I win and I said, if I gave you a blowjob I'd win, so I did, and he was like you win times infinity I said it was a win win and he agreed. And now he isn’t as snuggly anymore or anything so I figure he got what he wanted now he’s done, am I just being a pessimist or am I right. Keep in mind he is 17 and I am 15.
VictorM's advice:
Damn, where were the girls like you when I was 17.... :-p
I don't know, Brittany, maybe there's something more than boob poking and blow jobs to having a boyfriend. Maybe you need to slow down and take your time getting to know him.
I have not been invited to his family's events
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By HKB, 40, from Ohio:
I have been dating this guy for a year and a half. While things are fairly serious, we both love each other, I am part of his daughters life & he is a part of my children's life and we have taken "family vacations" together (my kids and his daugther), there are a few things missing. At this point there are no plans for marriage or moving in - location and children do not allow for it right now, so we make the best of it and see each other whenever we can. While this is frustrating I have learned to accept our situation. However, the one area of his life he does not let me in is with his family (parents and siblings) I have met them all once at Christmas this past year, and have met his one brother on several occasions when we have to stop off at this house for one thing or another. But other then that, birthday celebrations, his family vacations and other holidays I have not been invited to. He seems to always have an excuse, "I thought you would have the kids", "I did not think you had any vacation left" and " I did not think you would want to" are examples of why he says has not included me. Should I be concerned that I am not included in this part of his life? I recently had a long conversation about this with him and he really did not have a lot of answers. Just a lot of excuses again. He did admit he was uncomfortable in certain situations with me as his girlfriend and being around his ex and other family members. He has been divorced now for 4 years and obviously has some issues in allowing someone into his complete life, just not sure how long I can handle not be included. I was hoping you could shed some light on his thinking or give me any advice how I should be reacting to not being included.
VictorM's advice:
It is possible that the it is the family that is not ready to accept anyone but the mother of the children, maybe until you're engaged or something more official. If this is the case, he might just not want to force you on them and is, in essence, protecting you.
If it doesn't come from the family, then you have more reason to worry. One year and a half is a long time. If he's willing to take vacations together, why not take you to family gatherings? Is it just because his ex will be there?
My advice is for you to let him know what it means to you but say that you are willing to let it be on his timetable. Telling him that it's important to you to be part of the family is fine, nagging him about it will most likely backfire. Him not being ready to face his ex wife with you is not, by itself, reason for concern. It varies from man to man how long it takes to get over that barrier.
Doesn't appear that his feelings for you are in question. He's just reluctant to take a step that is difficult but inevitable if you are going to stay a couple. Be supportive and the outcome will be more favorable.
By HKB, 40, from Ohio:
I have been dating this guy for a year and a half. While things are fairly serious, we both love each other, I am part of his daughters life & he is a part of my children's life and we have taken "family vacations" together (my kids and his daugther), there are a few things missing. At this point there are no plans for marriage or moving in - location and children do not allow for it right now, so we make the best of it and see each other whenever we can. While this is frustrating I have learned to accept our situation. However, the one area of his life he does not let me in is with his family (parents and siblings) I have met them all once at Christmas this past year, and have met his one brother on several occasions when we have to stop off at this house for one thing or another. But other then that, birthday celebrations, his family vacations and other holidays I have not been invited to. He seems to always have an excuse, "I thought you would have the kids", "I did not think you had any vacation left" and " I did not think you would want to" are examples of why he says has not included me. Should I be concerned that I am not included in this part of his life? I recently had a long conversation about this with him and he really did not have a lot of answers. Just a lot of excuses again. He did admit he was uncomfortable in certain situations with me as his girlfriend and being around his ex and other family members. He has been divorced now for 4 years and obviously has some issues in allowing someone into his complete life, just not sure how long I can handle not be included. I was hoping you could shed some light on his thinking or give me any advice how I should be reacting to not being included.
VictorM's advice:
It is possible that the it is the family that is not ready to accept anyone but the mother of the children, maybe until you're engaged or something more official. If this is the case, he might just not want to force you on them and is, in essence, protecting you.
If it doesn't come from the family, then you have more reason to worry. One year and a half is a long time. If he's willing to take vacations together, why not take you to family gatherings? Is it just because his ex will be there?
My advice is for you to let him know what it means to you but say that you are willing to let it be on his timetable. Telling him that it's important to you to be part of the family is fine, nagging him about it will most likely backfire. Him not being ready to face his ex wife with you is not, by itself, reason for concern. It varies from man to man how long it takes to get over that barrier.
Doesn't appear that his feelings for you are in question. He's just reluctant to take a step that is difficult but inevitable if you are going to stay a couple. Be supportive and the outcome will be more favorable.
He produce manager
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Elizabeth, 18, from NJ:
hi my name is elizabeth im from NJ and im 18...I have a few ?s 1. i like someone from my job in his 20s i think...neway hes cute nice laugh wears glasses but not a geek nice eyes nice smile and so on idk if he produce manager or not either way he works in dat dept.hes really cute i really like him like no one understands ppl say thats to old is it i mean for some one who 18 isnt 18 legal? and the seniors like me in my school can bring an outside gues that mean i can bring him? how shuld i ask him? what do i say wat doi do where when how hwo do i act infront of himn liek i do in fornt of my friends? nails makeup jelwery or no> what are signs i can gve how would i no if he likes me back or not? i have more ?S and alot of thngs about him to say so i aint doneyet ok
VictorM's advice:
Are you from Elizabeth, NJ? Elizabeth, from Elizabeth. I've always found that funny. And if you went to the high school there it would explain your writing skills (I should know, I went to school there myself).
Anyway... being 18 isn't enough. You should wait till you're 21 so you could go out drinking with him and have a blast.
I can't wait to read your other questions. I'm on pins and needles about it.
By Elizabeth, 18, from NJ:
hi my name is elizabeth im from NJ and im 18...I have a few ?s 1. i like someone from my job in his 20s i think...neway hes cute nice laugh wears glasses but not a geek nice eyes nice smile and so on idk if he produce manager or not either way he works in dat dept.hes really cute i really like him like no one understands ppl say thats to old is it i mean for some one who 18 isnt 18 legal? and the seniors like me in my school can bring an outside gues that mean i can bring him? how shuld i ask him? what do i say wat doi do where when how hwo do i act infront of himn liek i do in fornt of my friends? nails makeup jelwery or no> what are signs i can gve how would i no if he likes me back or not? i have more ?S and alot of thngs about him to say so i aint doneyet ok
VictorM's advice:
Are you from Elizabeth, NJ? Elizabeth, from Elizabeth. I've always found that funny. And if you went to the high school there it would explain your writing skills (I should know, I went to school there myself).
Anyway... being 18 isn't enough. You should wait till you're 21 so you could go out drinking with him and have a blast.
I can't wait to read your other questions. I'm on pins and needles about it.
When will he pop the question?
Submitted on Thursday, May 08, 2008
By Leorinda, 19, from Pretoria:
Me and my boyfriend is really close almost like man and wife, but he hasn't pop the question (will you marry me) yet. He talks about marring me and all future plans with me. When will he ask me or how do I get him to ask me?
VictorM's advice:
How? Get a gun to his head.
When? At 7:39 PM. But the date isn't coming to me.
Come on, seriously, how am I suppose to know that?
By Leorinda, 19, from Pretoria:
Me and my boyfriend is really close almost like man and wife, but he hasn't pop the question (will you marry me) yet. He talks about marring me and all future plans with me. When will he ask me or how do I get him to ask me?
VictorM's advice:
How? Get a gun to his head.
When? At 7:39 PM. But the date isn't coming to me.
Come on, seriously, how am I suppose to know that?
Why did he turn his phone off?
Submitted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008
By Ashley, 17, from some state:
What does it mean if a guy says he likes you but after a date he doesnt talk to you after? i met this guy he is a customer at my job. he is 21 and he asked me for mmy number. we talked and he asked me to go to the movies with him. we went to the movies and things got heated up after and he told me he never moved that fast before and he thought we were compatible. but now he has his phone off and hasnt called even though he said he likes me why did he turn his phone off? does he like me or what?
VictorM's answer:
Get her phone number. Check.
Ask her on a date. Check.
Make out with her. Check.
Mission accomplished. No challenge here.
What would follow that? A relationship? A what?!?! Turn off the phone! Turn off the phone!
By Ashley, 17, from some state:
What does it mean if a guy says he likes you but after a date he doesnt talk to you after? i met this guy he is a customer at my job. he is 21 and he asked me for mmy number. we talked and he asked me to go to the movies with him. we went to the movies and things got heated up after and he told me he never moved that fast before and he thought we were compatible. but now he has his phone off and hasnt called even though he said he likes me why did he turn his phone off? does he like me or what?
VictorM's answer:
Get her phone number. Check.
Ask her on a date. Check.
Make out with her. Check.
Mission accomplished. No challenge here.
What would follow that? A relationship? A what?!?! Turn off the phone! Turn off the phone!
He has been acting really distant lately
Submitted on Wednesday, May 07, 2008
By Anna, 24, from VA:
My boyfriend of 6-7 months (he's 23), who I haven’t seen in a while due to hectic work schedules, has been acting really distant lately and avoiding me for the past couple of weeks. When I finally threatened to break up with him he told me that I'm the nicest person he's met, and he's been very stressed about how often we can meet and it's not enough time to get to know a person, and he's very paranoid about not being with me all the time and would rather avoid everything now than deal with possible sadness later.
I tried being reassuring, loving, etc., but no help. Before I lose my boyfriend to his newfound meloncholy, how about of an idea is some tough love? I’m already a pretty outspoken person, so would I completely ruin things if I were to literally slap some sense into this coward and tell him to either pick me and stop moping (he can work on his self-esteem later) or pick his pity party and I walk out the door.
VictorM's advice:
What are you talking about? He was super clear, in a guy sorta way, that he's over you and ready to move on. If he's paranoid, it's not about leaving you, it's about how you would react.
Your relationship is over. He doesn't need tough love; he needs a goodbye kiss... or a kick in the ass. Your choice.
By Anna, 24, from VA:
My boyfriend of 6-7 months (he's 23), who I haven’t seen in a while due to hectic work schedules, has been acting really distant lately and avoiding me for the past couple of weeks. When I finally threatened to break up with him he told me that I'm the nicest person he's met, and he's been very stressed about how often we can meet and it's not enough time to get to know a person, and he's very paranoid about not being with me all the time and would rather avoid everything now than deal with possible sadness later.
I tried being reassuring, loving, etc., but no help. Before I lose my boyfriend to his newfound meloncholy, how about of an idea is some tough love? I’m already a pretty outspoken person, so would I completely ruin things if I were to literally slap some sense into this coward and tell him to either pick me and stop moping (he can work on his self-esteem later) or pick his pity party and I walk out the door.
VictorM's advice:
What are you talking about? He was super clear, in a guy sorta way, that he's over you and ready to move on. If he's paranoid, it's not about leaving you, it's about how you would react.
Your relationship is over. He doesn't need tough love; he needs a goodbye kiss... or a kick in the ass. Your choice.
Like, is this guy code?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By holly:
victor,
By holly:
victor,
can you please tell me what you think about these comments that a friend of mine made, he is severly confused (in my opinion) about his feelings. what he said about girl A. she is sweet, fun, spontaneous, ambitious, beautiful, loyal the list goes on and on i can't help but be crazy about her.
girl B. she is sweet, kind, funny, and attractive, she's a great girl & treats me like a king what more could i ask for.
do you have an opinion on these comments as in what do you think he really is feeling for either of these girls..lol like, is this guy code?
VictorM's answer:
No, it's not code. It just means that he likes more than one girl. There's nothing surprising or confusing about it.
Our society pushes us to settle with only one partner, but feeling attraction for many girls at once is very natural and quite common.
girl B. she is sweet, kind, funny, and attractive, she's a great girl & treats me like a king what more could i ask for.
do you have an opinion on these comments as in what do you think he really is feeling for either of these girls..lol like, is this guy code?
VictorM's answer:
No, it's not code. It just means that he likes more than one girl. There's nothing surprising or confusing about it.
Our society pushes us to settle with only one partner, but feeling attraction for many girls at once is very natural and quite common.
How can i make him stop?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
so, this has to deal with the guy from my last question. as we became friends last fall, we grew close quickly and i ended up liking him, but put the feelings aside because the friendship was more important to me. my feelings ended up showing through eventually and ultimately ending our frienship. after a lot of mixed feelings and talking, we cleaned up about 2 months ago, and since then i have been working on moving on. but what really, really bugs me is the guy can’t move on. i have no desire to be friends with him anymore at all, but what he’s been doing has really pissed me off. for months (but more often recently), he’s been telling everyone (it seems) that i have “the hugest crush” on him. i know this because a good number of people have come to me asking if it was true, not to be rude or nosy, but just to confirm. i’ve denied it every time someone’s brought it up because i really no longer like him. i think this is really strange that he seems so obsessed with my liking him. why is he doing this? and, how can i make him stop?
VictorM's advice:
He says it probably because it's his impression that it's true and besides, it doesn't hurt his reputation or his ego.
You could ask him to stop saying it. I doubt he will but it won't hurt to ask.
You could be devilish and admit that you liked him but you lost interest because [pick any or all of the following]: he has bad breath, it seemed like he didn't change his underwear often cause he stunk at time, he didn't know how to kiss, his penis is the side of a pencil eraser, say "yes, I liked him, [laugh really hard] I don't know what was wrong with me."
OK, I don't really recommend the above.
What's the big deal if he says you had a huge crush on him? Yeah, it's an exaggeration but who do you think your friends will believe? Besides, there's nothing wrong with having liked someone.
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
so, this has to deal with the guy from my last question. as we became friends last fall, we grew close quickly and i ended up liking him, but put the feelings aside because the friendship was more important to me. my feelings ended up showing through eventually and ultimately ending our frienship. after a lot of mixed feelings and talking, we cleaned up about 2 months ago, and since then i have been working on moving on. but what really, really bugs me is the guy can’t move on. i have no desire to be friends with him anymore at all, but what he’s been doing has really pissed me off. for months (but more often recently), he’s been telling everyone (it seems) that i have “the hugest crush” on him. i know this because a good number of people have come to me asking if it was true, not to be rude or nosy, but just to confirm. i’ve denied it every time someone’s brought it up because i really no longer like him. i think this is really strange that he seems so obsessed with my liking him. why is he doing this? and, how can i make him stop?
VictorM's advice:
He says it probably because it's his impression that it's true and besides, it doesn't hurt his reputation or his ego.
You could ask him to stop saying it. I doubt he will but it won't hurt to ask.
OK, I don't really recommend the above.
What's the big deal if he says you had a huge crush on him? Yeah, it's an exaggeration but who do you think your friends will believe? Besides, there's nothing wrong with having liked someone.
Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me?
Submitted on Tuesday, May 06, 2008
By Confused, 24:
I have known this guy for about a year now. When i first met him he acted like he was interested in me and even straight up told me that he liked me. The only thing that he had told me though was that he was skeptical about calling me or hanging out with me because he is friends with my brother. To set the record straight him and my brother are not very close friends but they kind of have the same circle of friends and have known each other for a few years. I told him that my brother was cool and for him not to worry. I have given this guy my phone number several times and we have been flirting with each other since we have met. He has not called me. In the year since i have known him he has had 2 girlfriend buy yet he still continues to flirt with me and act like he's going to call me even when i know that he has a girlfriend and he won't. Why would he still flirt with me and ask me for my number repeadely if he has a girlfriend and has no intent on calling me? So now present day its still the same thing we continue to flirt when we see each other except now he's single again. The other week his best friend told me that he liked me and i told his friend that i liked him too. So the next time i see him his friend calls me out and tells him that i like him (totally embarassing). We hang out for the rest of the night and he AGAIN asks me for my number and we kind of make plans but not really set in stone plans because yet again he tells me that he's skeptical because of my bro and my friends. On the exact day (a week later) that he told me that he was going to call me he does! Too bad i was taking a shower and didn't pick up. It says that he left me a voicemail so i listen to it and it just sounds like noise. It sounds like he may have accidently called me because i can hear weird noises in the background and the message is long like he didn't realize that he accidently called me and hung up the phone. I call him back and it sounds like someone picks up the phone but nobody says hello and i hear that weird noise again in the background then the phone hangs up. I call him back a second time and he doesn't pick up, it rings and then goes to voicemail. I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back. A week later and he still has not called me. What should i do? Even if he did accidently call me how in the hell would he accidently call me on that specific day a week later. I'm thinking that maybe he called me on purpose and just didnt want to say anything? I don't know, it's weird. This guy has also told me that i'm dangerous and that he's scared of me. What does that mean? ALSO the last time i saw him he kept telling me that he wants to take me home and he was rubbing my thighs and ass and he kept staring at me weird. Like he would stare at me smiling and then when i looked at him he would look away. He also kept blowing my hand repeadely and blowing on my neck and making a fart noise. I thought this was really strange but i like the guy so.. Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me? Im really confused!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
What is it going to take for you to realize this guy is not interested in you? How many times are you lowering yourself to give him your phone number when it's clear he's not going to call?
Guys flirt with girls like you (that is, girls that like the guy more than he likes her and continue to act like lap dogs even when they are ignored) because they can. Pure and simply, because they can. This guy knows you won't set him straight, and it feeds his ego to know that some silly girl out there has it hard for him.
And why the question about him wanting you just for sex when you're the one pursuing him? It's not to say he wouldn't like to have sex with you, but doesn't sound like he has even tried.
Let's see if you can get this straight: THIS GUY HAS NO INTERESTED IN YOU, SEXUALLY OR OTHERWISE. YOU ONLY SERVE TO FEED HIS EGO AND NOTHING MORE.
By Confused, 24:
I have known this guy for about a year now. When i first met him he acted like he was interested in me and even straight up told me that he liked me. The only thing that he had told me though was that he was skeptical about calling me or hanging out with me because he is friends with my brother. To set the record straight him and my brother are not very close friends but they kind of have the same circle of friends and have known each other for a few years. I told him that my brother was cool and for him not to worry. I have given this guy my phone number several times and we have been flirting with each other since we have met. He has not called me. In the year since i have known him he has had 2 girlfriend buy yet he still continues to flirt with me and act like he's going to call me even when i know that he has a girlfriend and he won't. Why would he still flirt with me and ask me for my number repeadely if he has a girlfriend and has no intent on calling me? So now present day its still the same thing we continue to flirt when we see each other except now he's single again. The other week his best friend told me that he liked me and i told his friend that i liked him too. So the next time i see him his friend calls me out and tells him that i like him (totally embarassing). We hang out for the rest of the night and he AGAIN asks me for my number and we kind of make plans but not really set in stone plans because yet again he tells me that he's skeptical because of my bro and my friends. On the exact day (a week later) that he told me that he was going to call me he does! Too bad i was taking a shower and didn't pick up. It says that he left me a voicemail so i listen to it and it just sounds like noise. It sounds like he may have accidently called me because i can hear weird noises in the background and the message is long like he didn't realize that he accidently called me and hung up the phone. I call him back and it sounds like someone picks up the phone but nobody says hello and i hear that weird noise again in the background then the phone hangs up. I call him back a second time and he doesn't pick up, it rings and then goes to voicemail. I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back. A week later and he still has not called me. What should i do? Even if he did accidently call me how in the hell would he accidently call me on that specific day a week later. I'm thinking that maybe he called me on purpose and just didnt want to say anything? I don't know, it's weird. This guy has also told me that i'm dangerous and that he's scared of me. What does that mean? ALSO the last time i saw him he kept telling me that he wants to take me home and he was rubbing my thighs and ass and he kept staring at me weird. Like he would stare at me smiling and then when i looked at him he would look away. He also kept blowing my hand repeadely and blowing on my neck and making a fart noise. I thought this was really strange but i like the guy so.. Does this mean that maybe he just wants sex from me? Im really confused!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
What is it going to take for you to realize this guy is not interested in you? How many times are you lowering yourself to give him your phone number when it's clear he's not going to call?
Guys flirt with girls like you (that is, girls that like the guy more than he likes her and continue to act like lap dogs even when they are ignored) because they can. Pure and simply, because they can. This guy knows you won't set him straight, and it feeds his ego to know that some silly girl out there has it hard for him.
And why the question about him wanting you just for sex when you're the one pursuing him? It's not to say he wouldn't like to have sex with you, but doesn't sound like he has even tried.
Let's see if you can get this straight: THIS GUY HAS NO INTERESTED IN YOU, SEXUALLY OR OTHERWISE. YOU ONLY SERVE TO FEED HIS EGO AND NOTHING MORE.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
I did apologise profusely about it
Submitted on Monday, May 05, 2008
By anna, 37, from scotland:
I had been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months and everything had been going well, seeing each other regularly, he was texting me morning, noon and night every day for the whole time i was seeing him. I was quite relaxed about the whole thing and never once put him under any pressure. We had a disagreement (I had a bit of an insecure moment fuelled by a cynical friend, it was entirely my fault and I did apologize profusely about it), and he then said i was putting pressure on him and he was stressed with his work and didn't need any pressure, he then went silent on me. I repeatedly asked if he wanted the relationship to end, he has never said that our relationship is over, but he just said that he didn't know what to think or say at the moment, when i eventually asked him "look, you either want to see me or you don't", all he said was that he didn't know what he wanted and needed to sort things out. This all happened nearly three months ago now. Whenever i text him he never ignores me, he always answers. I had not contacted him there for 4 weeks and then i had an urge to text him a couple of days ago. I just text him saying hello, and that i was still missing his company, and hoped he was ok. He responded immedietly, general convo about how he hadn't been well for the best part of the last 3 weeks and then said that the previous weekend he had been in the pub that I go to. He also ended his texts this time with kisses, which he normally doesn't do, even if i put kisses on mine, he did tho put kisses on his texts when we were seeing each other. My question is this, do you think that this guy is just making polite conversation with me, or do you think he may be starting to come round and have thought things through and get interested again?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible he's interested again. The one way to find out is to stop texting him and see if he texts you.
I say it's possible he's interested, but frankly, it's not likely. Once a guy has to think about things, and it takes over 3 months, that's generally a sign that the magic is gone. And in this last case, you were the one that initiated the texting, not him. That's not very reassuring.
By anna, 37, from scotland:
I had been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months and everything had been going well, seeing each other regularly, he was texting me morning, noon and night every day for the whole time i was seeing him. I was quite relaxed about the whole thing and never once put him under any pressure. We had a disagreement (I had a bit of an insecure moment fuelled by a cynical friend, it was entirely my fault and I did apologize profusely about it), and he then said i was putting pressure on him and he was stressed with his work and didn't need any pressure, he then went silent on me. I repeatedly asked if he wanted the relationship to end, he has never said that our relationship is over, but he just said that he didn't know what to think or say at the moment, when i eventually asked him "look, you either want to see me or you don't", all he said was that he didn't know what he wanted and needed to sort things out. This all happened nearly three months ago now. Whenever i text him he never ignores me, he always answers. I had not contacted him there for 4 weeks and then i had an urge to text him a couple of days ago. I just text him saying hello, and that i was still missing his company, and hoped he was ok. He responded immedietly, general convo about how he hadn't been well for the best part of the last 3 weeks and then said that the previous weekend he had been in the pub that I go to. He also ended his texts this time with kisses, which he normally doesn't do, even if i put kisses on mine, he did tho put kisses on his texts when we were seeing each other. My question is this, do you think that this guy is just making polite conversation with me, or do you think he may be starting to come round and have thought things through and get interested again?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible he's interested again. The one way to find out is to stop texting him and see if he texts you.
I say it's possible he's interested, but frankly, it's not likely. Once a guy has to think about things, and it takes over 3 months, that's generally a sign that the magic is gone. And in this last case, you were the one that initiated the texting, not him. That's not very reassuring.
He said I hurt him
Submitted on Monday, May 05, 2008
By Diane, 35, from Tulsa OK:
I dated a guy going through a divorce...when he started dragging his feet I put the relationship in a time-out till he could complete the divorce...he said I hurt him and moved on to someone else whom he got engaged to within 2 months of leaving me. What did I do wrong in this case and how should I have handled it?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, things turned out quite nicely -- you got rid of a sensitive little baby who probably would have made your life miserable.
Go out and celebrate your good fortune. Who knows, you might run into his ex-wife celebrating as well.
By Diane, 35, from Tulsa OK:
I dated a guy going through a divorce...when he started dragging his feet I put the relationship in a time-out till he could complete the divorce...he said I hurt him and moved on to someone else whom he got engaged to within 2 months of leaving me. What did I do wrong in this case and how should I have handled it?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, things turned out quite nicely -- you got rid of a sensitive little baby who probably would have made your life miserable.
Go out and celebrate your good fortune. Who knows, you might run into his ex-wife celebrating as well.
I just feel really crummy at the moment
Submitted on Sunday, May 04, 2008
By Jane, 17, from The land of confused:
Okay, hmm where to start? Ok I was sort of wondering since your awesome in giving advice and I love you don't sugar coat it for us you just tell it like it is, let me tell you something, that's what we NEED.
Ok, for my question. You see I have a problem. There is this guy and I've liked him for a long time and sometime last year I decided to take a chance and I sent him a message that asked him if he wanted to go see a movie or something. Well he never wrote back at all. My brother whom he is friends with, says that he is just ubber shy and that I shouldn’t think on it. Well I got over it, or well as the old saying goes time heals all wounds. I won't lie, it hurt like hell. So it's been almost a year and then yesterday, BAM I see him and he sees me and I didn't talk to him cause he seemed really busy (he was working). I just feel really crummy at the moment. Cause I really like him and I can't do a dang thing about it. So now I sit here debating with myself to send him a message and be like, "Hey I do believe I saw you the other day..." Or if I should just forget about it and try and move on. Help me, please. Let me add that I really like this guy, and you know I kind of always have. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You should try to contact him and get something going if you can.
The way I see it, if you don't contact him, you'll be crummy and will have zero chance of ever getting with him. If you contact him, sure, it'll be crummy if he turns you down but at least you have some chance of hooking up with him.
And believe me, the crummy of not ever knowing is a lot worse than the crummy of getting closure. So... contact him and take your chance.
By Jane, 17, from The land of confused:
Okay, hmm where to start? Ok I was sort of wondering since your awesome in giving advice and I love you don't sugar coat it for us you just tell it like it is, let me tell you something, that's what we NEED.
Ok, for my question. You see I have a problem. There is this guy and I've liked him for a long time and sometime last year I decided to take a chance and I sent him a message that asked him if he wanted to go see a movie or something. Well he never wrote back at all. My brother whom he is friends with, says that he is just ubber shy and that I shouldn’t think on it. Well I got over it, or well as the old saying goes time heals all wounds. I won't lie, it hurt like hell. So it's been almost a year and then yesterday, BAM I see him and he sees me and I didn't talk to him cause he seemed really busy (he was working). I just feel really crummy at the moment. Cause I really like him and I can't do a dang thing about it. So now I sit here debating with myself to send him a message and be like, "Hey I do believe I saw you the other day..." Or if I should just forget about it and try and move on. Help me, please. Let me add that I really like this guy, and you know I kind of always have. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You should try to contact him and get something going if you can.
The way I see it, if you don't contact him, you'll be crummy and will have zero chance of ever getting with him. If you contact him, sure, it'll be crummy if he turns you down but at least you have some chance of hooking up with him.
And believe me, the crummy of not ever knowing is a lot worse than the crummy of getting closure. So... contact him and take your chance.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Smart to date an ex?
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Mareike, 21, from Chicago, IL:
I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now. I dated him when I was 17 before for about a year, and it ended because I moved pretty far away for a couple years and I was really immature about little things that were insignificant. I guess I just wasn't ready at all for a long distance relationship. So I guess I have two questions, the first being is it not smart to date someone again that is an ex? I've heard that alot before, that if it didn't work before, there must be a reason it won't again. Also, I only see him twice a month currently, more often in the near future. He's very hesitant to talk on the phone with me though. He says its because he doesn't like to hear my voice knowing he can't physically be with me. I guess its just annoying to not have any contact in between the two weeks of not seeing him. Is he being honest do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I would believe him about the phone thing. I think most guys feel that way.
Under the circumstances you described, I would think it's OK to date an ex. You were both too young and the breakup happened mostly for reasons beyond your control. Don't let that stop you from trying again.
By Mareike, 21, from Chicago, IL:
I've been dating a guy for a little over a month now. I dated him when I was 17 before for about a year, and it ended because I moved pretty far away for a couple years and I was really immature about little things that were insignificant. I guess I just wasn't ready at all for a long distance relationship. So I guess I have two questions, the first being is it not smart to date someone again that is an ex? I've heard that alot before, that if it didn't work before, there must be a reason it won't again. Also, I only see him twice a month currently, more often in the near future. He's very hesitant to talk on the phone with me though. He says its because he doesn't like to hear my voice knowing he can't physically be with me. I guess its just annoying to not have any contact in between the two weeks of not seeing him. Is he being honest do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I would believe him about the phone thing. I think most guys feel that way.
Under the circumstances you described, I would think it's OK to date an ex. You were both too young and the breakup happened mostly for reasons beyond your control. Don't let that stop you from trying again.
He is very closed about liking any girls
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Sarita, 18, from Virgina:
What is going on in his head?
Okay so its almost time for prom and guys and girls are getting together and whatnot. For over one year i've been 'head over heels' for a guy. We had classes with one another last year, and we talked during those periods. Last year we fought, we scowled, we argued , I got pissed, he apoligized, I flirted, etc. This year we don't see one another much. Sometimes after school we'll talk about colleges and schools.
He is very closed about liking any girls, he asn't made any crushes public to his friends (i'm friends with one of his friends), and one of his friends asked him to prom and he said "I don't want to go with anyone" to her. Whenever I'm alone with him we can't stop talking about school, colleges (all safe topics).
I don't understand if he's not interested or if he's very secretive about his crushes. He talks to girls perfectly fine, but I don't know if I should make a move or wait for him. Help me please!!
VictorM's advice:
He sounds like a guy who knows what he wants. I'd take his behavior as not being interested in you. Further, I would take his friend's statement that he never talks about girls to mean that he doesn't talk about you.
Move on, Sarita, move on. Besides, unless you're both going to the same college what would be the point?
By Sarita, 18, from Virgina:
What is going on in his head?
Okay so its almost time for prom and guys and girls are getting together and whatnot. For over one year i've been 'head over heels' for a guy. We had classes with one another last year, and we talked during those periods. Last year we fought, we scowled, we argued , I got pissed, he apoligized, I flirted, etc. This year we don't see one another much. Sometimes after school we'll talk about colleges and schools.
He is very closed about liking any girls, he asn't made any crushes public to his friends (i'm friends with one of his friends), and one of his friends asked him to prom and he said "I don't want to go with anyone" to her. Whenever I'm alone with him we can't stop talking about school, colleges (all safe topics).
I don't understand if he's not interested or if he's very secretive about his crushes. He talks to girls perfectly fine, but I don't know if I should make a move or wait for him. Help me please!!
VictorM's advice:
He sounds like a guy who knows what he wants. I'd take his behavior as not being interested in you. Further, I would take his friend's statement that he never talks about girls to mean that he doesn't talk about you.
Move on, Sarita, move on. Besides, unless you're both going to the same college what would be the point?
Do guys remember random girls?
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By sam, 20, from nyu:
Well its me again! i have not seen the guy for some time now...i saw him recently in the hall but i was caught off guard and nervous...i smiled a small toothless smile and looked at him a few times then down pretending to look at my ipod. i must have looked so dorky...He smiled a nice smile...but i don't know if he was smiling at me or someone he knew behind me? (he had sunglasses on) so it makes me unsure. PLUS he doesn't know my name and since it has been a while. Should i stop and introduce myself? do you think he would remember me? do guys remember random girls?
VictorM's advice:
Hi sam. Great to have you back. How's the family? The kids? The cats? I have missed you so much. Yes, yes, I'm kidding. I can't possibly remember every submission and I'm having a hard time remembering your question.
Anyway...
Yes, you should introduce yourself and ask for his name. Hopefully, he has a better memory than I do.
By sam, 20, from nyu:
Well its me again! i have not seen the guy for some time now...i saw him recently in the hall but i was caught off guard and nervous...i smiled a small toothless smile and looked at him a few times then down pretending to look at my ipod. i must have looked so dorky...He smiled a nice smile...but i don't know if he was smiling at me or someone he knew behind me? (he had sunglasses on) so it makes me unsure. PLUS he doesn't know my name and since it has been a while. Should i stop and introduce myself? do you think he would remember me? do guys remember random girls?
VictorM's advice:
Hi sam. Great to have you back. How's the family? The kids? The cats? I have missed you so much. Yes, yes, I'm kidding. I can't possibly remember every submission and I'm having a hard time remembering your question.
Anyway...
Yes, you should introduce yourself and ask for his name. Hopefully, he has a better memory than I do.
I recently got a feeling that something isn't right
Submitted on Saturday, May 03, 2008
By Dee, 23, from Louisiana:
I have a very serious problem. I have been dating someone for two months now. I think he is a sweet guy and we get along well, the problem is I recently got a feeling that something isn't right. My car broke down a few days ago so I got him to pick me up from work because I couldn't find another ride because I work at a club and get off at 2 am. Anyway, we had our first kiss that night. Nothing major just a peck on the lips. He picked me up from work yesterday as well, but this time we sat in his car and talked for awhile. To make a long story short he attempted to kiss me on my neck and touch me and places that he knows I'm uncomfortable with. I told him to stop and he did but then he got this scary look in his eyes so I got out and went inside. I don't know why he thought we would go from our first kiss to something more the next day. Now I don't want to talk to him anymore but I don't know how to tell him because I have a bad feeling about him now. I'm scared because now he knows where I live and work. What to do?
VictorM's advice:
If you have a bad feeling about the guy, you can stop seeing him, but sounds like worrying because he knows where you work and live is overkill. Nothing about what you said makes it sound like the guy poses a danger to you.
I think you're making an issue about nothing. I don't mean to minimize how you feel, but frankly, you're 23, you have been dating for a couple of months... a kiss on the neck and an attempt to go further sounds like very normal behavior to me. If on top of that, you have known him to be a gentleman during this whole time and he stopped when you asked him to, I think you're the problem, not him. The guy sounds normal to me; you sound like you're a scary cat 12 year old not ready to date.
If he's smart you don't have to worry about telling him you don't want to see him again -- he should stop seeing you and look for someone that's better suited for him.
I have a very serious problem. I have been dating someone for two months now. I think he is a sweet guy and we get along well, the problem is I recently got a feeling that something isn't right. My car broke down a few days ago so I got him to pick me up from work because I couldn't find another ride because I work at a club and get off at 2 am. Anyway, we had our first kiss that night. Nothing major just a peck on the lips. He picked me up from work yesterday as well, but this time we sat in his car and talked for awhile. To make a long story short he attempted to kiss me on my neck and touch me and places that he knows I'm uncomfortable with. I told him to stop and he did but then he got this scary look in his eyes so I got out and went inside. I don't know why he thought we would go from our first kiss to something more the next day. Now I don't want to talk to him anymore but I don't know how to tell him because I have a bad feeling about him now. I'm scared because now he knows where I live and work. What to do?
VictorM's advice:
If you have a bad feeling about the guy, you can stop seeing him, but sounds like worrying because he knows where you work and live is overkill. Nothing about what you said makes it sound like the guy poses a danger to you.
I think you're making an issue about nothing. I don't mean to minimize how you feel, but frankly, you're 23, you have been dating for a couple of months... a kiss on the neck and an attempt to go further sounds like very normal behavior to me. If on top of that, you have known him to be a gentleman during this whole time and he stopped when you asked him to, I think you're the problem, not him. The guy sounds normal to me; you sound like you're a scary cat 12 year old not ready to date.
If he's smart you don't have to worry about telling him you don't want to see him again -- he should stop seeing you and look for someone that's better suited for him.