Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I told him everything
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Kristina, 19, from Oregon:
Hey,
So quite a while back, i wrote you asking if i should tell this guy how i felt eventhough he had a girlfriend. Well, i found out he was going to be leaving not too long ater that and that he would be gone for quite a while. So i still hadn't mustered up the courage to tell him eventhough i knew that he knew and at times it seemed like he was practically begging me to tell him how i felt. So on our last day together before he would be gone, i said goodbye but before i was even on the elevator, he started texting me. he kept this up for the rest of the day and he was saying things about how he was confused and had a lot to figure out. well, that night he asked if we could talk so of course i said yes. He called me and asked what all our time together had meant to me. So i spilled it, i told him everything and he told me he and his girlfriend had broken up and he was thinking about if he and i could be together. So we talked over the next few days and 4 days later he told me he was trying to work things out with his ex and couldn't talk to me for a while. That was over a month ago and he still won't talk to me. I know i didn't do anything wrong because he asked me to tell him how i felt but i cant help but feel like it's my fault. we were always friends before anything else, so why can't we at least still be that?
VictorM's advice:
Your confession changed the dynamics of the relationship. He may still come back and reach out to you as a friend but chances are that your relationship will never the same again.
By Kristina, 19, from Oregon:
Hey,
So quite a while back, i wrote you asking if i should tell this guy how i felt eventhough he had a girlfriend. Well, i found out he was going to be leaving not too long ater that and that he would be gone for quite a while. So i still hadn't mustered up the courage to tell him eventhough i knew that he knew and at times it seemed like he was practically begging me to tell him how i felt. So on our last day together before he would be gone, i said goodbye but before i was even on the elevator, he started texting me. he kept this up for the rest of the day and he was saying things about how he was confused and had a lot to figure out. well, that night he asked if we could talk so of course i said yes. He called me and asked what all our time together had meant to me. So i spilled it, i told him everything and he told me he and his girlfriend had broken up and he was thinking about if he and i could be together. So we talked over the next few days and 4 days later he told me he was trying to work things out with his ex and couldn't talk to me for a while. That was over a month ago and he still won't talk to me. I know i didn't do anything wrong because he asked me to tell him how i felt but i cant help but feel like it's my fault. we were always friends before anything else, so why can't we at least still be that?
VictorM's advice:
Your confession changed the dynamics of the relationship. He may still come back and reach out to you as a friend but chances are that your relationship will never the same again.
I've been dating this amazing guy
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By DJ, 23, from LA:
I've been dating this amazing guy for about a month now. I think he is very sweet and we share the same relationship values and connect emotionally and intellectually. The problem is that he wants to become a couple but I'm not sure. I like him but I feel that we shouldn't be in rush to be together. Another concern is that he got out out a year and a half relationship 6 months ago. Do you think he is ready for another relationship?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's ready or not. A lot depends on how the relationship ended. But barring them throwing knives at each other, he should be ready. First of all, a year and a half relationship is not that long and six months is long enough to get on with life.
But it sounds like you're not ready yet, which is a twist to the usual story where more often than not the guy is the one wanting to wait.
I'll say these things:
-- Amazing guys don't grow on trees.
-- Dating for one month is not enough to know if he's really that amazing.
-- Don't rush into anything unless you're comfortable.
By DJ, 23, from LA:
I've been dating this amazing guy for about a month now. I think he is very sweet and we share the same relationship values and connect emotionally and intellectually. The problem is that he wants to become a couple but I'm not sure. I like him but I feel that we shouldn't be in rush to be together. Another concern is that he got out out a year and a half relationship 6 months ago. Do you think he is ready for another relationship?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's ready or not. A lot depends on how the relationship ended. But barring them throwing knives at each other, he should be ready. First of all, a year and a half relationship is not that long and six months is long enough to get on with life.
But it sounds like you're not ready yet, which is a twist to the usual story where more often than not the guy is the one wanting to wait.
I'll say these things:
-- Amazing guys don't grow on trees.
-- Dating for one month is not enough to know if he's really that amazing.
-- Don't rush into anything unless you're comfortable.
I should not have asked him to lunch
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Victor: I read your response http://argville.com/2008/04/dress-to-impress.html . I couldn't decide what I should wear and called a friend of mine. She provided comments (not on what to wear, or hairdo) but that, in her opinion, I should not have asked him to lunch - that if he is interested, he should ask me out. I was a bit surprised by her outburst and now I'm having second thoughts...can you shed light on this?
VictorM's advice:
I think your friend would be right if the guy had been showing the desire to ask you out, but if I remember correctly, he hasn't. So, what are you to do? Wait for a call that may never come?
Maybe he's not interested in you yet, maybe he never will, but by having lunch with him you give yourself the opportunity to impress him. You're taking the initiative and making things happen.
I think you should go to lunch with him.
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Victor: I read your response http://argville.com/2008/04
VictorM's advice:
I think your friend would be right if the guy had been showing the desire to ask you out, but if I remember correctly, he hasn't. So, what are you to do? Wait for a call that may never come?
Maybe he's not interested in you yet, maybe he never will, but by having lunch with him you give yourself the opportunity to impress him. You're taking the initiative and making things happen.
I think you should go to lunch with him.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I'm in a great relationship... but no sex
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Toni, 26, from PA:
Ok here goes...I'm in a great relationship, for a year now actually. We'd been friends for a while before, and even in a band together (which is still going). We have a ton of things in common, both love music, both love video games...the list goes on. There of course is just one problem. He never, and I mean never wants to have sex or be intimate at all. We've gone 2 months already with him not even trying to touch me. I mean sure he'll kiss me and tell me he loves me, but nothing physical. I've talked about it with him and he basically says he can't help it, its just the way he is, he just doesn't think about that stuff. I've even flat out asked him if he's not attracted to me and he tells me I'm being stupid. I know he's been in bad relationships, especially his last who he now has a year and a half little girl with. We recently moved into a house together and I was hoping that would change things, but no luck. Do I just need to continue to give him time? I am honestly a very sexual person and if I didn't care so much about him this would be a bigger deal than it is (part of me wonders if he is testing me to see if I would cheat on him because thats been a big thing with him in the past), but honestly I'm tired of having to "handle things myself". Everyone (friends and family) has told me what a huge deal it is that he tells me he loves me and that HE suggested we move in together, and everything would be perfect except....Can you please please tell me what he's really thinking and if there's anything I can do other than wait?
VictorM's advice:
Have you written to me before about this? This question sounds awfully familiar.
In any case, a man in his 20's not having a sexual appetitive is not normal. You need to treat this as a medical condition that requires attention. There are a lot of possibilities for his condition, from physical to mental, but whatever the reason, he has to let a doctor address this, no differently than if he had cancer or diabetes.
Remove yourself from the equation. This has nothing to do with you. Assuming that this is a reflection of his feelings for you doesn't help anyone. The best you can do is convince him to see a doctor, preferably a sex therapist.
By Toni, 26, from PA:
Ok here goes...I'm in a great relationship, for a year now actually. We'd been friends for a while before, and even in a band together (which is still going). We have a ton of things in common, both love music, both love video games...the list goes on. There of course is just one problem. He never, and I mean never wants to have sex or be intimate at all. We've gone 2 months already with him not even trying to touch me. I mean sure he'll kiss me and tell me he loves me, but nothing physical. I've talked about it with him and he basically says he can't help it, its just the way he is, he just doesn't think about that stuff. I've even flat out asked him if he's not attracted to me and he tells me I'm being stupid. I know he's been in bad relationships, especially his last who he now has a year and a half little girl with. We recently moved into a house together and I was hoping that would change things, but no luck. Do I just need to continue to give him time? I am honestly a very sexual person and if I didn't care so much about him this would be a bigger deal than it is (part of me wonders if he is testing me to see if I would cheat on him because thats been a big thing with him in the past), but honestly I'm tired of having to "handle things myself". Everyone (friends and family) has told me what a huge deal it is that he tells me he loves me and that HE suggested we move in together, and everything would be perfect except....Can you please please tell me what he's really thinking and if there's anything I can do other than wait?
VictorM's advice:
Have you written to me before about this? This question sounds awfully familiar.
In any case, a man in his 20's not having a sexual appetitive is not normal. You need to treat this as a medical condition that requires attention. There are a lot of possibilities for his condition, from physical to mental, but whatever the reason, he has to let a doctor address this, no differently than if he had cancer or diabetes.
Remove yourself from the equation. This has nothing to do with you. Assuming that this is a reflection of his feelings for you doesn't help anyone. The best you can do is convince him to see a doctor, preferably a sex therapist.
I found a recent photo of his exgirlfriend
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Karla, 24, from New Jersey:
I was with my boyfriend this weekend and I found a recent photo of his exgirlfriend and her number on his phone. I just don't understand why he has a recent picture of her. He told me that she text him and that she wanted him back about 3 weeks ago, but the picture was saved 2 weeks prior to that which means they have been talking. He says he is in love with me, but he also tells me that he loves her and thinks of her, (that hurt me alot). I was very understanding about that until now that I found that picture of her. Am I overreacting about this? Or does he want her back? Why is her picture and her number still on his phone? I'm thinking that he cheated on me.I really don't know how to approach him. Please help me understand.
VictorM's advice:
Just because he has her picture and her number you jump to the conclusion that he cheated? Sounds harsh. He told you that he still loves her and still thinks of her. That's amazing honesty. Not what you would expect from a cheater.
I don't know what his motivation is vis-a-vis is ex, but it is not at all uncommon to still love someone who was special to him for so long and to take time to get over that person. A guy can feel love for a girl and still not want to get involved with her. In fact, I think you should worry more if he treated her like dirt now. What he's showing you is that he's capable of loving someone and not treat such love as something trivial. How he treats her now is indicative of how he will treat you.
So what if he still talks to her? She's not his enemy. The way she becomes less significant in his life is if he has a wonderful time with you. If you want to push him away from her, stop pushing him away from her. Instead, make his time with you wonderful and fun and slowly but surely she'll become history.
By Karla, 24, from New Jersey:
I was with my boyfriend this weekend and I found a recent photo of his exgirlfriend and her number on his phone. I just don't understand why he has a recent picture of her. He told me that she text him and that she wanted him back about 3 weeks ago, but the picture was saved 2 weeks prior to that which means they have been talking. He says he is in love with me, but he also tells me that he loves her and thinks of her, (that hurt me alot). I was very understanding about that until now that I found that picture of her. Am I overreacting about this? Or does he want her back? Why is her picture and her number still on his phone? I'm thinking that he cheated on me.I really don't know how to approach him. Please help me understand.
VictorM's advice:
Just because he has her picture and her number you jump to the conclusion that he cheated? Sounds harsh. He told you that he still loves her and still thinks of her. That's amazing honesty. Not what you would expect from a cheater.
I don't know what his motivation is vis-a-vis is ex, but it is not at all uncommon to still love someone who was special to him for so long and to take time to get over that person. A guy can feel love for a girl and still not want to get involved with her. In fact, I think you should worry more if he treated her like dirt now. What he's showing you is that he's capable of loving someone and not treat such love as something trivial. How he treats her now is indicative of how he will treat you.
So what if he still talks to her? She's not his enemy. The way she becomes less significant in his life is if he has a wonderful time with you. If you want to push him away from her, stop pushing him away from her. Instead, make his time with you wonderful and fun and slowly but surely she'll become history.
Your kisses make my knees weak
Submitted on Sunday, April 27, 2008
By Linda, 41, from NC:
Hi Victor,
First, I love your bold answers! I had to read the past month plus just to see what advise you had been giving that I missed :) Almost p'd myself on a couple of them...
Anyway, I need your honest, man opinion. I had written you back in January, regarding my long distance relationship that my partner had not removed a woman from his messenger list after he had slept with her and we had broke up for it months before. Your reply was that the bottom line was cheating does not mean the end ..but the cheater better go way out of his and my guy was just not doing that.
Well, Victor, I had finally got him to understand it was her or me and have been hanging in there since that time. Things have not been great since then, I always was wondering what he was up to..I really didn't trust him. Long story short, I do believe he is somewhat narcissistic. I know we all are to a degree..but although never diagnosed..I believe him to be. He is very charming, life of the party, often misunderstood, unable to show his feelings well, robotic in expressions and replies..loved to turn the tables on you when you asked a tough question or would make a joke out of it until the topic was changed to something else. I told him he needed to get help for himself. That I had had enough. He (he is in his early 50's) swore that he has never loved anyone in his life like he loves me. He said he was going to therapy to find out why he hurts some one who he loves, especially me. I know my leaving him hurt him and I do feel badly for that. But I have to put my needs first. He was not giving me what I needed..he would take and take and never give back.
Here is my question to you...at the end, when he was trying to hold on..I asked him why he wanted to be with me. He replied, 1. Chemistry 2. I think about you all the time, 3. I want to be with you all the time, 4. Your smile brightens up my heart, 5. Your hug touches me to my core, 6. your kisses make my knees weak. So I replied and said, "in your list of why you want to be with me, nowhere did I hear because you love me" He replied, "all of it involves the love that we share". So I said, "you can have chemistry without the love". He said he disagreed. I just told him that every thing he said was about the chemistry and what I do for him..I didn't hear any "us" or "love" in their at all. I am just wondering..what is your read on his reply. I don't know why it is haunting me to know if this is guy talk..or is my interpertaion correct? Yes, I miss him, yes, I am missing what I THOUGHT we had. No..I will not go back to him again. BUT..I do wonder and hoped you could tell me your thoughts, Please! Thanks in advance, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Based on his answers, I'd say this guy has no idea what loving someone is like, which is why it's easy to understand why he hurts those close to him. All six points he mentioned are trivial and reflect a purely physical relationship devoid of sentiment. Not only that, but that crap about your kisses making his knees weak is pure cheap romance novel drivel.
You are wise to stay away because it is possible that therapy will help him, but for someone like him it won't take a few sessions. I don't think it's enough for him to understand what love really is -- that in itself may be a significant task -- but even if he ever comes to understand, it's still a huge jump to expect him to actually feel that way about someone. The man is emotionally stuck in childhood. It's a long journey to grow emotionally from 5 to 50.
By Linda, 41, from NC:
Hi Victor,
First, I love your bold answers! I had to read the past month plus just to see what advise you had been giving that I missed :) Almost p'd myself on a couple of them...
Anyway, I need your honest, man opinion. I had written you back in January, regarding my long distance relationship that my partner had not removed a woman from his messenger list after he had slept with her and we had broke up for it months before. Your reply was that the bottom line was cheating does not mean the end ..but the cheater better go way out of his and my guy was just not doing that.
Well, Victor, I had finally got him to understand it was her or me and have been hanging in there since that time. Things have not been great since then, I always was wondering what he was up to..I really didn't trust him. Long story short, I do believe he is somewhat narcissistic. I know we all are to a degree..but although never diagnosed..I believe him to be. He is very charming, life of the party, often misunderstood, unable to show his feelings well, robotic in expressions and replies..loved to turn the tables on you when you asked a tough question or would make a joke out of it until the topic was changed to something else. I told him he needed to get help for himself. That I had had enough. He (he is in his early 50's) swore that he has never loved anyone in his life like he loves me. He said he was going to therapy to find out why he hurts some one who he loves, especially me. I know my leaving him hurt him and I do feel badly for that. But I have to put my needs first. He was not giving me what I needed..he would take and take and never give back.
Here is my question to you...at the end, when he was trying to hold on..I asked him why he wanted to be with me. He replied, 1. Chemistry 2. I think about you all the time, 3. I want to be with you all the time, 4. Your smile brightens up my heart, 5. Your hug touches me to my core, 6. your kisses make my knees weak. So I replied and said, "in your list of why you want to be with me, nowhere did I hear because you love me" He replied, "all of it involves the love that we share". So I said, "you can have chemistry without the love". He said he disagreed. I just told him that every thing he said was about the chemistry and what I do for him..I didn't hear any "us" or "love" in their at all. I am just wondering..what is your read on his reply. I don't know why it is haunting me to know if this is guy talk..or is my interpertaion correct? Yes, I miss him, yes, I am missing what I THOUGHT we had. No..I will not go back to him again. BUT..I do wonder and hoped you could tell me your thoughts, Please! Thanks in advance, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Based on his answers, I'd say this guy has no idea what loving someone is like, which is why it's easy to understand why he hurts those close to him. All six points he mentioned are trivial and reflect a purely physical relationship devoid of sentiment. Not only that, but that crap about your kisses making his knees weak is pure cheap romance novel drivel.
You are wise to stay away because it is possible that therapy will help him, but for someone like him it won't take a few sessions. I don't think it's enough for him to understand what love really is -- that in itself may be a significant task -- but even if he ever comes to understand, it's still a huge jump to expect him to actually feel that way about someone. The man is emotionally stuck in childhood. It's a long journey to grow emotionally from 5 to 50.
We have misunderstandings and fights nearly every month
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor!(: (again. lol.) That guy friend and I who's been friends for more than a year- so supposedly we should understand each other pretty well. But its like we have misunderstandings and fights nearly every month. It's childish I know, but somehow either one of us will get hurt by something the other said and so it goes. It's just so odd and perplexing because I don't get this from my other friends, be it guys or girls. Why do you think this happens so often? Do you think my feelings for him get in the way?
It's getting really tiring and I told him that I was sick of it and felt like quitting the friendship and some other pretty harsh stuffs. Oops! Stupid, I know. ): And it was kind of on impulse. So now we're pretty unsure where to go and have yet to talk it out. What do you think I should say to salvage the situation? Please help. Thank you in advance! (:
VictorM's advice:
Call him and talk as if nothing happened. If he brings up your harsh words, say you're sorry. If that's still not enough, offer to have sex with him*. That oughta fix everything. :-p
* Yes, I'm kidding. But seriously, guys get over things easily. So just call him and start talking again. He wants to be your friend as much as you want to be his. If neither one of you cared so much you wouldn't be acting like children and fighting so much.
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor!(: (again. lol.) That guy friend and I who's been friends for more than a year- so supposedly we should understand each other pretty well. But its like we have misunderstandings and fights nearly every month. It's childish I know, but somehow either one of us will get hurt by something the other said and so it goes. It's just so odd and perplexing because I don't get this from my other friends, be it guys or girls. Why do you think this happens so often? Do you think my feelings for him get in the way?
It's getting really tiring and I told him that I was sick of it and felt like quitting the friendship and some other pretty harsh stuffs. Oops! Stupid, I know. ): And it was kind of on impulse. So now we're pretty unsure where to go and have yet to talk it out. What do you think I should say to salvage the situation? Please help. Thank you in advance! (:
VictorM's advice:
Call him and talk as if nothing happened. If he brings up your harsh words, say you're sorry. If that's still not enough, offer to have sex with him*. That oughta fix everything. :-p
* Yes, I'm kidding. But seriously, guys get over things easily. So just call him and start talking again. He wants to be your friend as much as you want to be his. If neither one of you cared so much you wouldn't be acting like children and fighting so much.
I feel like I am right back to square one
Submitted on Sunday, April 27, 2008
By Angie, 29, from New York:
I started working at new job about 11 months ago and one of the guys there was really friendly and we hit it off. I never told him that I had a boyfriend and he never told me that he was engaged. Well after dating a few weeks he tells me about her and I totall y lose interest in him but he was determinted for us to stay friends since we worked with each other. Well one thing lead to another and we began sleeping with each other and I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now his girlfriend that he is engaged to calls me at my job demanding to know what's going on between us because she is 8 months pregnant (another thing he failed to tell me). So I end up getting back with my boyfriend and stop talking to him for good. Well we started talking again and having sex and I feel like I am right back to square one. I work with him and I have a really great job I don't want to have to quit a good job to try an break things off for good with this guy. I feel like he just wants me for sex. He claims he can never leave his girlfriend because they have 2 kids together but he just wants me to stick around for what. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
It's obvious he just wants you for sex. It's obvious he's a liar. It's obvious that neither one of you have much consideration for others. It's obvious you're both cheaters. Consequently, it's doubtful that you'll do the right thing. But you know what the right thing to do is. You just don't have the willpower to do it.
You've made this bed and you're sleeping in it of your own free will. No one else can get you out of it but yourself.
By Angie, 29, from New York:
I started working at new job about 11 months ago and one of the guys there was really friendly and we hit it off. I never told him that I had a boyfriend and he never told me that he was engaged. Well after dating a few weeks he tells me about her and I totall y lose interest in him but he was determinted for us to stay friends since we worked with each other. Well one thing lead to another and we began sleeping with each other and I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now his girlfriend that he is engaged to calls me at my job demanding to know what's going on between us because she is 8 months pregnant (another thing he failed to tell me). So I end up getting back with my boyfriend and stop talking to him for good. Well we started talking again and having sex and I feel like I am right back to square one. I work with him and I have a really great job I don't want to have to quit a good job to try an break things off for good with this guy. I feel like he just wants me for sex. He claims he can never leave his girlfriend because they have 2 kids together but he just wants me to stick around for what. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
It's obvious he just wants you for sex. It's obvious he's a liar. It's obvious that neither one of you have much consideration for others. It's obvious you're both cheaters. Consequently, it's doubtful that you'll do the right thing. But you know what the right thing to do is. You just don't have the willpower to do it.
You've made this bed and you're sleeping in it of your own free will. No one else can get you out of it but yourself.
He is the sweetest,most honest, respectful guy I have known
Submitted on Sunday, April 27, 2008
By bridget, 30, from us:
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year. We live about 2 hours away from each other yet spend almost every weekend together. He is the sweetest, most honest, respectful guy I have known. Yet it's bugging me he hasn't said that he loves me. Maybe he's afraid because he has been hurt before. I don't know. After a year should I tell him that I love him or keep waiting for him?
VictorM's advice:
If you feel that way about him, sure, tell him you love him.
There's a chance that he'll tell you he loves you too, and a chance he won't say it back. Either way, after almost a year, you ought to know where you both stand on the issue. And if he has some other reason for not saying the words, you have a right to know what that reason is.
By bridget, 30, from us:
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year. We live about 2 hours away from each other yet spend almost every weekend together. He is the sweetest, most honest, respectful guy I have known. Yet it's bugging me he hasn't said that he loves me. Maybe he's afraid because he has been hurt before. I don't know. After a year should I tell him that I love him or keep waiting for him?
VictorM's advice:
If you feel that way about him, sure, tell him you love him.
There's a chance that he'll tell you he loves you too, and a chance he won't say it back. Either way, after almost a year, you ought to know where you both stand on the issue. And if he has some other reason for not saying the words, you have a right to know what that reason is.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sleeping with a coworker
Submitted on Friday, April 25, 2008
By Jen, 22, from Iowa:
Me and a co worker have been hanging out and sleeping together once a week for a month. I really like him and he flirts with me a lot at work, but also flirts with other girls at work? Another thing is he wants to make sure I'm only sleeping with him...so is there a chance?
VictorM's advice:
A chance that he'll want to get serious with a fuck buddy? Well... there is a chance, of course, but as long as you continue in the current mode, your odds only get slimmer. That's because guys tend to not think highly of girls who fuck around. And that's what you are to him.
By Jen, 22, from Iowa:
Me and a co worker have been hanging out and sleeping together once a week for a month. I really like him and he flirts with me a lot at work, but also flirts with other girls at work? Another thing is he wants to make sure I'm only sleeping with him...so is there a chance?
VictorM's advice:
A chance that he'll want to get serious with a fuck buddy? Well... there is a chance, of course, but as long as you continue in the current mode, your odds only get slimmer. That's because guys tend to not think highly of girls who fuck around. And that's what you are to him.
What is the best way to ask for an exclusive relationship?
Submitted on Friday, April 25, 2008
By Kristi, 27, from Belleville New Jersey:
What is the best way to ask for an exclusive relationship from a guy you are dating for a month or two?
VictorM's advice:
The best way is to be direct and ask for exactly what you want, and be clear about what "exclusive" means. Guys are not very good at hints or beating around the bush. Go for it say exactly what you want.
But... if you're not ready to walk away from him if you hear "thanks, but no, thanks", you may want to wait longer because if you continue to see him as if nothing happened, he'll have you by the balls.
By Kristi, 27, from Belleville New Jersey:
What is the best way to ask for an exclusive relationship from a guy you are dating for a month or two?
VictorM's advice:
The best way is to be direct and ask for exactly what you want, and be clear about what "exclusive" means. Guys are not very good at hints or beating around the bush. Go for it say exactly what you want.
But... if you're not ready to walk away from him if you hear "thanks, but no, thanks", you may want to wait longer because if you continue to see him as if nothing happened, he'll have you by the balls.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
My boyfriend says I'm confusing
Submitted on Friday, April 25, 2008
By Stephanie, 18, from blanco:
My boyfriend says I'm confusing. How do I make him understand?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you're confusing -- you're a girl! :-p
Don't bother trying to make him understand, just train him like you train a puppy: rewards him when he does something you like, and make sure he knows you're not pleased when he doesn't. The only thing you need to make sure he understands is that what you like and don't like may change from minute to minute.
You might as well prepare the boy for realities of living with a female. It ain't a picnic.
By Stephanie, 18, from blanco:
My boyfriend says I'm confusing. How do I make him understand?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you're confusing -- you're a girl! :-p
Don't bother trying to make him understand, just train him like you train a puppy: rewards him when he does something you like, and make sure he knows you're not pleased when he doesn't. The only thing you need to make sure he understands is that what you like and don't like may change from minute to minute.
You might as well prepare the boy for realities of living with a female. It ain't a picnic.
He turned red
Submitted on Thursday, April 24, 2008
By Sarah, 12, from okc:
hi there is this boy named chris who sits by me in one of our clases and i have a major crush on him his friend dax told him to stop flirting with me and he turned red he is always diffrent around me (in a good way) when he is aroun his friends .
By Sarah, 12, from okc:
hi there is this boy named chris who sits by me in one of our clases and i have a major crush on him his friend dax told him to stop flirting with me and he turned red he is always diffrent around me (in a good way) when he is aroun his friends .
he always looks at me and smiles once he like started dancing i reall y want to know if he likes me? pleas let me know asap
VictorM's answer:
Yes, he likes you, but he may like other girls too. When boys start noticing girls, they notice a lot of them and may enjoy liking a lot of them at once rather than telling any one of them. So don't be surprised if he doesn't admit that he likes you. But he does.
VictorM's answer:
Yes, he likes you, but he may like other girls too. When boys start noticing girls, they notice a lot of them and may enjoy liking a lot of them at once rather than telling any one of them. So don't be surprised if he doesn't admit that he likes you. But he does.
My husband every once in awhile likes to watch porn clips
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Krystal, 23, from Japan:
My husband every once in awhile likes to watch porn clips which I don't mind but it seems like the majority of them are girls with darker skin tones. So does that mean he has a fetish with darker skinned women? It sometimes makes me insecure about myself because I get a stupid thought in my head like I'm not exactly what he was looking for.
VictorM's advice:
I think you're imagining things. Looking at the same clips I bet I could come up with other patterns, like most of the girls are shorter than you, or taller than you, or have longer hair than you, etc, etc. It seems that by noticing the skin tone reveals more about you and your insecurity than it does about his preferences.
In any case, the fantasies that guys may enjoy while watching porn seldom have any relevance to the women they love. If it wasn't so, most guys would be dating 18 year old cheerleaders who babysit and enjoy threesomes involving their twin sister.
By Krystal, 23, from Japan:
My husband every once in awhile likes to watch porn clips which I don't mind but it seems like the majority of them are girls with darker skin tones. So does that mean he has a fetish with darker skinned women? It sometimes makes me insecure about myself because I get a stupid thought in my head like I'm not exactly what he was looking for.
VictorM's advice:
I think you're imagining things. Looking at the same clips I bet I could come up with other patterns, like most of the girls are shorter than you, or taller than you, or have longer hair than you, etc, etc. It seems that by noticing the skin tone reveals more about you and your insecurity than it does about his preferences.
In any case, the fantasies that guys may enjoy while watching porn seldom have any relevance to the women they love. If it wasn't so, most guys would be dating 18 year old cheerleaders who babysit and enjoy threesomes involving their twin sister.
Is it wise to try to initiate something again?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Nostalgic, 28, from Canada:
I recently ran into an ex from long ago at a professional function and had a really nice time talking to him. It jogged my memory about how great he could be, and he also seemed happy to see me and even went out of his way to come over. Seeing him in this context really made me rethink the reasons why things ended between us (I was 22 and he was 27) and make me feel that it just came down to bad timing. I know that in the time since we dated, he has gotten married and (I believe) divorced or at least separated, and I have also just recently ended a very serious relationship. I also worry that he was just being himself since he is naturally a very easygoing person. Is it wise to try to initiate something again? (We don't work together.)
VictorM's advice:
Why not? I see no downside to it. It's impossible to tell how it will turn out but the most important point is that you'll remove the "what if?" from your mind, which by itself makes it all worth while. Go for it.
By Nostalgic, 28, from Canada:
I recently ran into an ex from long ago at a professional function and had a really nice time talking to him. It jogged my memory about how great he could be, and he also seemed happy to see me and even went out of his way to come over. Seeing him in this context really made me rethink the reasons why things ended between us (I was 22 and he was 27) and make me feel that it just came down to bad timing. I know that in the time since we dated, he has gotten married and (I believe) divorced or at least separated, and I have also just recently ended a very serious relationship. I also worry that he was just being himself since he is naturally a very easygoing person. Is it wise to try to initiate something again? (We don't work together.)
VictorM's advice:
Why not? I see no downside to it. It's impossible to tell how it will turn out but the most important point is that you'll remove the "what if?" from your mind, which by itself makes it all worth while. Go for it.
Friday, April 25, 2008
He doesn't really engage in the conversation
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Oly, 16, from California:
There is this guy at my school that I really like. At school he won't talk to me and to help that we just have homeroom together-no classes. We just went to D.C. for a school trip and there he talked to me and would flirt with me. He would be really loud and outgoing with everyone but when we tlk one-on-one he gets really quiet and sweet. However he told me that he kind of likes my friend who I know doesn't like him back. He asked her for her number (in a friend way) but he didn't ask for mine. (But he could have thought that I had already put my number in his phone because I looked at it before). While there he would splah water on me, 'argue' with me (it's really an inside joke), and play around with me. But when we got back he wouldn't talk to me. I try really hard to get him to just say "hi" but nothing happens. I'll go up to him and his friends and talk but he doesn't really engage in the conversation... but he doesn't just walk away either... I don't know what to think. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Oly, there's not much to think about here. He's not into you. Period.
By Oly, 16, from California:
There is this guy at my school that I really like. At school he won't talk to me and to help that we just have homeroom together-no classes. We just went to D.C. for a school trip and there he talked to me and would flirt with me. He would be really loud and outgoing with everyone but when we tlk one-on-one he gets really quiet and sweet. However he told me that he kind of likes my friend who I know doesn't like him back. He asked her for her number (in a friend way) but he didn't ask for mine. (But he could have thought that I had already put my number in his phone because I looked at it before). While there he would splah water on me, 'argue' with me (it's really an inside joke), and play around with me. But when we got back he wouldn't talk to me. I try really hard to get him to just say "hi" but nothing happens. I'll go up to him and his friends and talk but he doesn't really engage in the conversation... but he doesn't just walk away either... I don't know what to think. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Oly, there's not much to think about here. He's not into you. Period.
Is he using me for sex?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Kiley, 20, from Florida:
Okay so I have a question. I have sorta been seeing this guy on and off for a month..we're "messing around in bed" and stuff..however, he said he doesn't want a relationship.. he wants to take it slow. Is he using me for sex or does he just really want to take it slow?
VictorM's advice:
He's being perfectly clear with you: he doesn't want a relationship. I don't think he's using sex for anything. He just likes to fuck you.
You are having sex with him of your own free will. If you are doing it expecting him to get into a relationship with you, you're the one using sex.
Having sex with a guy who wants to take is slow will most likely get you nowhere.
By Kiley, 20, from Florida:
Okay so I have a question. I have sorta been seeing this guy on and off for a month..we're "messing around in bed" and stuff..however, he said he doesn't want a relationship.. he wants to take it slow. Is he using me for sex or does he just really want to take it slow?
VictorM's advice:
He's being perfectly clear with you: he doesn't want a relationship. I don't think he's using sex for anything. He just likes to fuck you.
You are having sex with him of your own free will. If you are doing it expecting him to get into a relationship with you, you're the one using sex.
Having sex with a guy who wants to take is slow will most likely get you nowhere.
I found out he had been cheating on me
Submitted on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
By Temika, 29, from Augusta, GA:
Hi,
I was in a on and off again relationship with my high school sweetheart for 13 years (1992-2005). I went away for college (only 2 hours) but would come home on a regular basis to see him. When I graduated I moved back home but after about 2 years I got a job 2 hours away. I was gone for about 15 months before I moved back to be closer to him. That was October 2004. In February of 2005 I found out he had been cheating on me, I thought we were trying to work through it but I kept catching him in lies so about April 2005 he broke up with me. We never lost contact but rarely spent time together and have had no physical relationship since October 2006. He would always tell me that he just didn't want to be in a relationship right now but I kept tabs on him and noticed he remained in contact with the female he cheated on me with. In November 2006 I found out she was 4 months pregnant which he said he didn't know if it was his baby or not. This story was told up until after the little girl was born in which he had not gotten a DNA test like he said he would but claims her as his own. He keeps telling me that the girl is just his baby's mama, she's not his cup of tea, and he doesn't want to be with her. He will call me up just to say how much he still loves me but I never see him. I am an emotional wreck right now, I feel like my heart is being ripped out over and over again. I'm tired of the lies and I want to know what is up with him. How can he just treat the person who's stood by his side for 13+ years like nothing? I really love him but I can't take this treatment anymore. I have lost my dignity, my self-esteem, and my sanity. What should I do and what do you think his problem is?
VictorM's advice:
Really, why give a shit about his problem? You're the one that needs to resolve your problems. If you do, you'll stop wondering about him.
From a guy's point of you, there were no 13 years. There were too many gaps, he was not always into you, and he broke up with you. Being there for him, whether you like to hear it or not, is seen as a sign of weakness. Listening to him telling you that he loves is a sign of weakness. Being emotionally wrecked is a sign of weakness. And most guys don't like a weak women. He treats you like nothing because, frankly, he thinks there is nothing between you two. And he's right.
Your inability to recognize when someone is not into you and is feeding you bullshit lines is the problem. Your dignity and self-esteem will not improve as long as you continue to look back and allow yourself to be judged by a man such as he. The self-pity and the melodramatics will get you nowhere. Your heart is not being ripped; it's there, beating and ready to go on.
It's time to buy some new clothes, change your hair style, engage in new hobbies, go to new places, make new friends, hit the gym, play loud music, get rid of the junk food, get brighter lights in the house, and start enjoying life without a man around. If one comes around, great, but if not, mortgaging your future to that loser sounds like a big waste of a life.
By Temika, 29, from Augusta, GA:
Hi,
I was in a on and off again relationship with my high school sweetheart for 13 years (1992-2005). I went away for college (only 2 hours) but would come home on a regular basis to see him. When I graduated I moved back home but after about 2 years I got a job 2 hours away. I was gone for about 15 months before I moved back to be closer to him. That was October 2004. In February of 2005 I found out he had been cheating on me, I thought we were trying to work through it but I kept catching him in lies so about April 2005 he broke up with me. We never lost contact but rarely spent time together and have had no physical relationship since October 2006. He would always tell me that he just didn't want to be in a relationship right now but I kept tabs on him and noticed he remained in contact with the female he cheated on me with. In November 2006 I found out she was 4 months pregnant which he said he didn't know if it was his baby or not. This story was told up until after the little girl was born in which he had not gotten a DNA test like he said he would but claims her as his own. He keeps telling me that the girl is just his baby's mama, she's not his cup of tea, and he doesn't want to be with her. He will call me up just to say how much he still loves me but I never see him. I am an emotional wreck right now, I feel like my heart is being ripped out over and over again. I'm tired of the lies and I want to know what is up with him. How can he just treat the person who's stood by his side for 13+ years like nothing? I really love him but I can't take this treatment anymore. I have lost my dignity, my self-esteem, and my sanity. What should I do and what do you think his problem is?
VictorM's advice:
Really, why give a shit about his problem? You're the one that needs to resolve your problems. If you do, you'll stop wondering about him.
From a guy's point of you, there were no 13 years. There were too many gaps, he was not always into you, and he broke up with you. Being there for him, whether you like to hear it or not, is seen as a sign of weakness. Listening to him telling you that he loves is a sign of weakness. Being emotionally wrecked is a sign of weakness. And most guys don't like a weak women. He treats you like nothing because, frankly, he thinks there is nothing between you two. And he's right.
Your inability to recognize when someone is not into you and is feeding you bullshit lines is the problem. Your dignity and self-esteem will not improve as long as you continue to look back and allow yourself to be judged by a man such as he. The self-pity and the melodramatics will get you nowhere. Your heart is not being ripped; it's there, beating and ready to go on.
It's time to buy some new clothes, change your hair style, engage in new hobbies, go to new places, make new friends, hit the gym, play loud music, get rid of the junk food, get brighter lights in the house, and start enjoying life without a man around. If one comes around, great, but if not, mortgaging your future to that loser sounds like a big waste of a life.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
He eluded to wanting to continue seeing me
Submitted on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
By Sophia, 33, from Cornelius:
I've been needing some advice from a male perspective since I only have women in my life.
I met this guy approximately 2 months ago. He knew I was separated and he is also finalizing a divorce; we both have children and have been very upfront about our situations from the beginning. The day we met, we hit it off immensely and I invited him back to my house. We talked, made-out, no sex but talked until the early hours the next day. He went home and since then we talked every single day, multiple times per day not only phonecalls but including text messages, and talked until late night most nights.
The next date was 2 weeks later; which was understood from the beginning by me, due to location and time constraints, it's really not possible to see him more than that. We both knew that sex would happen because we have been very honest with each other about our needs, wants, and expectations. That Friday, he came over, spent the night. That Saturday, we met for coffee, spent the day together, spent the night together and he left early the next morning.
The third date, I decided to come to his place. We watched a movie, became intimate, went out later that evening and I left the next day.
In between those weeks, he made an effort to come see me one day out of that week, on his route for work, just to stop by and talk, hug and was extremely affectionate.
Things got a bit complicated with my ex soon after that third date and I told him about everything to keep him informed of how things were going with me. I did make it clear to him that if at any point he did not want to continue seeing me, that he could say so and I would not hold anything against him and we could move on. He did not say he wanted to stop seeing me, he eluded to wanting to continue seeing me.
So..since that last date, when I called, he would call back but that first week after that third date, he did not initiate phone calls anymore. He'll call back if I call and he is no longer allowed to text on his phone for work purposes. I told him I wouldn't text him anymore. He said, "Well, you could text, I could receive them but can't reply back." So every time I try to put a finality to the situation, he doesn't seem to want it done. He told me that the reason for him not calling as much was he has had a stressful work week and has had absolutely no time to do much more than sleep. He also mentioned that this week was going to be a lot of the same. So I left it as, "when you get 'unbusy', give me a call."
For 6 weeks, texting to tell me he misses me, that he really likes me, that he thinks about how it would be if we were together. He knows he can call me, what times are best and all that. So I have not called, it's been 3 days. This is the week that we would normally make a date to see each other on the weekend...so, I've already made plans to do other things but am still curious as to the thoughts of a man in this situation. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you so much!
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure every regular visitor to this site knows what's coming. This type of question is so common...
Guys are notorious for starting a relationship -- particularly when physical attraction is the main driver -- with lots of intensity. You are a mystery and guys love that. A couple of quick dates and a couple of sex sessions later, the mystery has vastly dwindled. Sometimes there are other attributes keeping the interest going but many times the interest simply fades.
In his case, the interest has faded. I say that because the excuse that he's too busy is far too common in these situations and the timing (a couple weeks into the relationship and after sex) makes it too much of a coincidence. When the "too busy" explanation comes after the fact, that is, after a period of silence and after being questioned about it, it's a good bet it's just an excuse for fading interest.
So why doesn't he tell you he's not interested instead of continuing to give you hints he wants to continue? Because: 1) he may feel it's a phase that will go away, so no point in burning any bridges; 2) he doesn't know how to explain the sudden loss of interest, so he doesn't; 3) he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he keeps saying things to prop up your ego (guys hate to come across as the bad guy); 4) he's hoping you get the hints and start fading way from him so he doesn't have to do it, all the while making you think he's interested.
Yes, it's a cowardly way of doing it but guys really hate to make a girl cry and have to explain something they don't know how to explain (the sudden loss of interest). So they hide, they evade, and they get "too busy".
(I should formalize this answer and just copy/paste it when this question comes up).
Anyway, you're doing the right thing by not staying at home and dwelling on it.
By Sophia, 33, from Cornelius:
I've been needing some advice from a male perspective since I only have women in my life.
I met this guy approximately 2 months ago. He knew I was separated and he is also finalizing a divorce; we both have children and have been very upfront about our situations from the beginning. The day we met, we hit it off immensely and I invited him back to my house. We talked, made-out, no sex but talked until the early hours the next day. He went home and since then we talked every single day, multiple times per day not only phonecalls but including text messages, and talked until late night most nights.
The next date was 2 weeks later; which was understood from the beginning by me, due to location and time constraints, it's really not possible to see him more than that. We both knew that sex would happen because we have been very honest with each other about our needs, wants, and expectations. That Friday, he came over, spent the night. That Saturday, we met for coffee, spent the day together, spent the night together and he left early the next morning.
The third date, I decided to come to his place. We watched a movie, became intimate, went out later that evening and I left the next day.
In between those weeks, he made an effort to come see me one day out of that week, on his route for work, just to stop by and talk, hug and was extremely affectionate.
Things got a bit complicated with my ex soon after that third date and I told him about everything to keep him informed of how things were going with me. I did make it clear to him that if at any point he did not want to continue seeing me, that he could say so and I would not hold anything against him and we could move on. He did not say he wanted to stop seeing me, he eluded to wanting to continue seeing me.
So..since that last date, when I called, he would call back but that first week after that third date, he did not initiate phone calls anymore. He'll call back if I call and he is no longer allowed to text on his phone for work purposes. I told him I wouldn't text him anymore. He said, "Well, you could text, I could receive them but can't reply back." So every time I try to put a finality to the situation, he doesn't seem to want it done. He told me that the reason for him not calling as much was he has had a stressful work week and has had absolutely no time to do much more than sleep. He also mentioned that this week was going to be a lot of the same. So I left it as, "when you get 'unbusy', give me a call."
For 6 weeks, texting to tell me he misses me, that he really likes me, that he thinks about how it would be if we were together. He knows he can call me, what times are best and all that. So I have not called, it's been 3 days. This is the week that we would normally make a date to see each other on the weekend...so, I've already made plans to do other things but am still curious as to the thoughts of a man in this situation. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you so much!
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure every regular visitor to this site knows what's coming. This type of question is so common...
Guys are notorious for starting a relationship -- particularly when physical attraction is the main driver -- with lots of intensity. You are a mystery and guys love that. A couple of quick dates and a couple of sex sessions later, the mystery has vastly dwindled. Sometimes there are other attributes keeping the interest going but many times the interest simply fades.
In his case, the interest has faded. I say that because the excuse that he's too busy is far too common in these situations and the timing (a couple weeks into the relationship and after sex) makes it too much of a coincidence. When the "too busy" explanation comes after the fact, that is, after a period of silence and after being questioned about it, it's a good bet it's just an excuse for fading interest.
So why doesn't he tell you he's not interested instead of continuing to give you hints he wants to continue? Because: 1) he may feel it's a phase that will go away, so no point in burning any bridges; 2) he doesn't know how to explain the sudden loss of interest, so he doesn't; 3) he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he keeps saying things to prop up your ego (guys hate to come across as the bad guy); 4) he's hoping you get the hints and start fading way from him so he doesn't have to do it, all the while making you think he's interested.
Yes, it's a cowardly way of doing it but guys really hate to make a girl cry and have to explain something they don't know how to explain (the sudden loss of interest). So they hide, they evade, and they get "too busy".
(I should formalize this answer and just copy/paste it when this question comes up).
Anyway, you're doing the right thing by not staying at home and dwelling on it.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
He refusses to discuss the future with me
Submitted on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
By confused, 33, from beach:
My boyfriend and I live together, have a child together and yet he refusses to discuss the future with me. I want to get married and when I bring up the topic he gets angry and changes the subject. Am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
You're wasting your time because in reality you already have the answer you're seeking, you're just refusing to accept it. His refusal to talk about it and getting angry tell you all you need to know.
By confused, 33, from beach:
My boyfriend and I live together, have a child together and yet he refusses to discuss the future with me. I want to get married and when I bring up the topic he gets angry and changes the subject. Am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
You're wasting your time because in reality you already have the answer you're seeking, you're just refusing to accept it. His refusal to talk about it and getting angry tell you all you need to know.
He never tried to give me a little kiss or hug
Submitted on Monday, April 21, 2008
By stephanie, 11, from mcallen tx:
ok well i like this guy and i know he likes me cuz we used to go out and he asked me out again but when we went out he never tried to give me a little kiss or hug and ive seen him makeout with his other girlfriends. the problem is as friends we talk all the time but more we barely talk and i like him a lot to so should i say yes to him or is he just using me well actually is he trying to use me?????????
VictorM's answer:
You Texas girls really start young, huh? :)
Maybe he just likes you more than he liked the other girls. Like, he respects you more. Keep it that way and stay his friend for now.
By stephanie, 11, from mcallen tx:
ok well i like this guy and i know he likes me cuz we used to go out and he asked me out again but when we went out he never tried to give me a little kiss or hug and ive seen him makeout with his other girlfriends. the problem is as friends we talk all the time but more we barely talk and i like him a lot to so should i say yes to him or is he just using me well actually is he trying to use me?????????
VictorM's answer:
You Texas girls really start young, huh? :)
Maybe he just likes you more than he liked the other girls. Like, he respects you more. Keep it that way and stay his friend for now.
When I go to church he won't stop looking at me
Submitted on Monday, April 21, 2008
By sherica henry, 14, from south london:
There is this boy at my church that I used to like, but one day my sister came and said that she asked him if he likes me but she said that he said that I was out of his league but now some times when I go to church he won't stop looking at me and smiling. What does that mean? Can you help me please?
VictorM's advice:
I think it means he likes you but he's afraid to make the first move. Give the boy some encouragement and smile back.
By sherica henry, 14, from south london:
There is this boy at my church that I used to like, but one day my sister came and said that she asked him if he likes me but she said that he said that I was out of his league but now some times when I go to church he won't stop looking at me and smiling. What does that mean? Can you help me please?
VictorM's advice:
I think it means he likes you but he's afraid to make the first move. Give the boy some encouragement and smile back.
he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend
Submitted on Monday, April 21, 2008
By Brittany Sands, 19, from West Virginia:
How can I trust my boyfriend when everyone tells me that he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Ask him if it's true.
If he is, what's the problem? Exes don't have to be enemies. But if he's sneaking around and talking to her behind your back, then trust becomes an issue.
Give him a chance to come clean. Maybe there is nothing sinister about the conversations.
By Brittany Sands, 19, from West Virginia:
How can I trust my boyfriend when everyone tells me that he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Ask him if it's true.
If he is, what's the problem? Exes don't have to be enemies. But if he's sneaking around and talking to her behind your back, then trust becomes an issue.
Give him a chance to come clean. Maybe there is nothing sinister about the conversations.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I still am embarrassed by his smoking
Submitted on Sunday, April 20, 2008
By R.L., 25, from bay area, CA:
My boyfriend smokes, and although he is so great that I date him despite his smoking, I still am embarrassed by his smoking, especially around my family and most friends. He thinks that my refusal to accept his smoking points to a deeper problem in the relationship (me not accepting him for who he is) while I think of his smoking as a nasty habit that will someday go away when he quits, and not really a part of who he is. He has also says that he does not plan to quit smoking until he has kids, but I refuse to marry a smoker. Can cigarettes really be so important to him that it's worth losing me?
VictorM's advice:
You get points taking away from you for thinking such an idiot is a great guy. Seriously! He is an idiot. I don't say that because he smokes -- lots of great people have gotten caught in that terrible habit -- but smart people don't think that smoking defines who they are. Great people who are smokers recognize they are caught in a terrible habit, one that will rob years from their life and most likely will bring about unwanted illnesses to themselves and those around them (second hand smoking is a proven health risk).
Further, saying he will quit when he has children is bullshit! He's just pushing the target into sometime into the future so he doesn't have to deal with it now. If he thinks smoking is so bad that his children shouldn't be exposed to it, why should he exposed you to it now? What kind of love is that? The man is either dense or careless. Take your pick.
A choice between you and cigarettes... yeah, he might just pick the smoking but rationalize it as it being you with the problem. He's addicted. Smoking is a hard addiction to quit. Given a choice, I don't know if he would try to quit over you, but you'd be wise to find out now because if you go on the promise that he'll quit when you have children, you'd be as big an idiot as he is.
By R.L., 25, from bay area, CA:
My boyfriend smokes, and although he is so great that I date him despite his smoking, I still am embarrassed by his smoking, especially around my family and most friends. He thinks that my refusal to accept his smoking points to a deeper problem in the relationship (me not accepting him for who he is) while I think of his smoking as a nasty habit that will someday go away when he quits, and not really a part of who he is. He has also says that he does not plan to quit smoking until he has kids, but I refuse to marry a smoker. Can cigarettes really be so important to him that it's worth losing me?
VictorM's advice:
You get points taking away from you for thinking such an idiot is a great guy. Seriously! He is an idiot. I don't say that because he smokes -- lots of great people have gotten caught in that terrible habit -- but smart people don't think that smoking defines who they are. Great people who are smokers recognize they are caught in a terrible habit, one that will rob years from their life and most likely will bring about unwanted illnesses to themselves and those around them (second hand smoking is a proven health risk).
Further, saying he will quit when he has children is bullshit! He's just pushing the target into sometime into the future so he doesn't have to deal with it now. If he thinks smoking is so bad that his children shouldn't be exposed to it, why should he exposed you to it now? What kind of love is that? The man is either dense or careless. Take your pick.
A choice between you and cigarettes... yeah, he might just pick the smoking but rationalize it as it being you with the problem. He's addicted. Smoking is a hard addiction to quit. Given a choice, I don't know if he would try to quit over you, but you'd be wise to find out now because if you go on the promise that he'll quit when you have children, you'd be as big an idiot as he is.
He is dating two 18 and 19 yrs old girls
Submitted on Sunday, April 20, 2008
By mitha, 31, from indonesia:
Would it be possible to capture my ex boyfriend heart when he is dating two 18 and 19 yrs old girls on his neighbourhood? I know that he is not into me, by telling me that he had dating two younger girls in his neighbourhood but what should I do if I want to continue our relationship back, and he choose me as his real girlfriend? He told me that he had a nicer connection with me than the other girls, but he also told me that I am the most far. Sometimes I confused whether should I forget and leave hiPublish Postm forever, or stay fight for his love? Please sir I need your perspective.
VictorM's advice:
You broke up before. Why? Whatever the reasons, they didn't go away. Making a relationship work is hard enough when both people are into each other, so why try to be in one when the other person is not into you, is far away, and you share a record of failure? Sounds like a waste of precious time to me.
Time to stop listening to him brag about himself and find a guy that would be into you.
By mitha, 31, from indonesia:
Would it be possible to capture my ex boyfriend heart when he is dating two 18 and 19 yrs old girls on his neighbourhood? I know that he is not into me, by telling me that he had dating two younger girls in his neighbourhood but what should I do if I want to continue our relationship back, and he choose me as his real girlfriend? He told me that he had a nicer connection with me than the other girls, but he also told me that I am the most far. Sometimes I confused whether should I forget and leave hiPublish Postm forever, or stay fight for his love? Please sir I need your perspective.
VictorM's advice:
You broke up before. Why? Whatever the reasons, they didn't go away. Making a relationship work is hard enough when both people are into each other, so why try to be in one when the other person is not into you, is far away, and you share a record of failure? Sounds like a waste of precious time to me.
Time to stop listening to him brag about himself and find a guy that would be into you.
Of course I like you
Submitted on Sunday, April 20, 2008
By chloe, 18, from cali:
I have a crush on this guy. He's usually quite shy, but I think he likes me too because when I walk into the room, he usually looks at me for a period of time and then smiles to himself. Once, I myspaced him and he told me to check out his sexy pictures of him swimming but ever since that myspace comment, he often ignores me. I emailed him to ask him if he likes me. He said "of course I like you. You're cool. Why do u think something random like that?" then he asked me a random question about school. Is he playing with me or does he actually like me?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not playing with you. He could like you like someone likes a new pair of socks, not like he wants to marry you. It's a friendly like, not a romantic like. Capiche?
Just because a guy looks at you doesn't mean he'd want to go out with you. Guys like checking out girls, period.
By chloe, 18, from cali:
I have a crush on this guy. He's usually quite shy, but I think he likes me too because when I walk into the room, he usually looks at me for a period of time and then smiles to himself. Once, I myspaced him and he told me to check out his sexy pictures of him swimming but ever since that myspace comment, he often ignores me. I emailed him to ask him if he likes me. He said "of course I like you. You're cool. Why do u think something random like that?" then he asked me a random question about school. Is he playing with me or does he actually like me?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not playing with you. He could like you like someone likes a new pair of socks, not like he wants to marry you. It's a friendly like, not a romantic like. Capiche?
Just because a guy looks at you doesn't mean he'd want to go out with you. Guys like checking out girls, period.
My boyfriend is a great guy
Submitted on Saturday, April 19, 2008
By nan_cu, 18, from Fl:
My boyfriend is a great guy. He treats me good and respects me, but he doesn't like spending time with me, that's what he tells me. He wants to go out with his friends, at all times, which I really don't mind but I also like attention and he doesn't give it to me. I could be paranoid but he got a friend who he is constantly texting and he deletes his texts so I don't see them. What could this mean? Please help, me I am very confuse!!
VictorM's advice:
He tells you he doesn't like spending time with you? Um... give him a medal for honesty.
Looks like your boyfriend just isn't ready for a relationship. If you want attention from a boyfriend, find another great guy. Judging by your low standards, that shouldn't be too hard.
As for the text messages, what business do you have reading them anyway? They are his messages, not yours. Who knows what they say... could be anything. What difference does it make anyway? It's not like you figure in his life much anyway.
By nan_cu, 18, from Fl:
My boyfriend is a great guy. He treats me good and respects me, but he doesn't like spending time with me, that's what he tells me. He wants to go out with his friends, at all times, which I really don't mind but I also like attention and he doesn't give it to me. I could be paranoid but he got a friend who he is constantly texting and he deletes his texts so I don't see them. What could this mean? Please help, me I am very confuse!!
VictorM's advice:
He tells you he doesn't like spending time with you? Um... give him a medal for honesty.
Looks like your boyfriend just isn't ready for a relationship. If you want attention from a boyfriend, find another great guy. Judging by your low standards, that shouldn't be too hard.
As for the text messages, what business do you have reading them anyway? They are his messages, not yours. Who knows what they say... could be anything. What difference does it make anyway? It's not like you figure in his life much anyway.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Message to Alexandra from Florida, and others
Alexandra,
I have gotten a couple of your submissions in the last few days. I have no problem with follow-up questions but when the exchange starts to sounds more like a conversation, I'd prefer to use the ARGville Forum's Ask ARGers. It's an easier and more practical way to handle repeated follow-up questions. Several regular visitors have recently joined the forum and I invite you to do likewise. I'll be glad to continue to take your questions there.
PS - This message applies to everyone else in similar situations.
I have gotten a couple of your submissions in the last few days. I have no problem with follow-up questions but when the exchange starts to sounds more like a conversation, I'd prefer to use the ARGville Forum's Ask ARGers. It's an easier and more practical way to handle repeated follow-up questions. Several regular visitors have recently joined the forum and I invite you to do likewise. I'll be glad to continue to take your questions there.
PS - This message applies to everyone else in similar situations.
My boyfriend recently asked me to control him
Submitted on Friday, April 18, 2008
By kayla, 14, from florida:
My boyfriend recently asked me to control him. I asked him what he meant, he said like tell me what to do (ex: if I forgot my gym bag tell him to go get it and he will). I was like no I'm not gonna boss you around and he said he wanted me to. He said he liked the feeling.. I was kinda freaked out.I don't know why he could possibly want me to do this??
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a submissive personality, which is not the most common thing around, but not as unusual as you might think. There's no need to freak out about it even if it's something you don't like about him.
Some people are totally submissive and won't be happy unless that's the relationship they're in, others aren't as strongly submissive and can bounce back and forth, depending on the partner. It's possible that if you say you don't like it that he'll say OK and not bring it up again.
Just as he was honest about it with you, you should let him know that you don't particularly like it. But deal with it calmly and maturely.
Whatever you decide to do, deal with him respectfully. He deserves that.
By kayla, 14, from florida:
My boyfriend recently asked me to control him. I asked him what he meant, he said like tell me what to do (ex: if I forgot my gym bag tell him to go get it and he will). I was like no I'm not gonna boss you around and he said he wanted me to. He said he liked the feeling.. I was kinda freaked out.I don't know why he could possibly want me to do this??
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a submissive personality, which is not the most common thing around, but not as unusual as you might think. There's no need to freak out about it even if it's something you don't like about him.
Some people are totally submissive and won't be happy unless that's the relationship they're in, others aren't as strongly submissive and can bounce back and forth, depending on the partner. It's possible that if you say you don't like it that he'll say OK and not bring it up again.
Just as he was honest about it with you, you should let him know that you don't particularly like it. But deal with it calmly and maturely.
Whatever you decide to do, deal with him respectfully. He deserves that.
He's been cheated on
Submitted on Friday, April 18, 2008
By Jay, 18, from UK:
My boyfriend's had a lot of bad relationships in the past...he's been cheated on etc. and that obviously has left its mark on him and he finds it really hard to trust girlfriends.
In the beginning of our relationship I tried to be supportive and put a lot of effort into helping him see that history doesn't have to repeat itself/he can trust me etc. The only problem is that now we've been together for a couple of YEARS and I'm starting to get fed up of his insecurities (I know that sounds harsh and I do love him a lot but it's honest). By the way, this isn't a problem that affects our relationship everyday, but it does come up every couple of weeks or so and lately it's been turning into arguments which it hadn't before. I'm happy with our relationship but his insecurities and worries about what happened to him in the past make me wonder if we've got a future.
Anyway, basically what I wanted to know is...is there a way for me to get through to him that he can trust me? And if not, what's the best way for me to diffuse the situation when he gets uptight for no reason? Do you think its something that will ever change or am I just gonna have to accept that as part of his personality?
thanks
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no way for you to make him see that you'd never cheat. For one, isn't that what everyone who cheats says before they cheat? Two, of course you might cheat some time in the future under circumstances you can't foresee now. Three, his insecurities have nothing to do with you (and this is the point you must understand and accept above all).
Unless you stop enabling him, you will have to live with this forever, only that it will get worse. He'll become more and more insecure and his demands of you will increase.
Often, these kinds of insecurity tantrums are a way of getting your attention, of you compromising your freedom and self-worth and him gaining more and more control over your life. That's right, pay close attention: these "insecurities" often are nothing more than masking a controlling personality. Do NOT let him get away with it.
So what to do? It takes discipline and it will take time, but you must downplay what he says and you must stop taking it personally. Detach yourself from his words. Next time he acts jealous and says, for example, that you were flirting with another guy, just say: "That is not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And carry on with your life. Don't yell at him, don't sulk, don't show anger, just go about doing what you were doing.
By saying "if it makes you happy to believe it", you're changing the topic from your actions to his feelings. And his feelings are the problem. That's what needs to be the topic of conversation, not your actions. So, it's not you wearing a short skirt that's the problem, it's why he thinks it is. It's not you talking to another guy that's the problem, it's what he thinks about it that is.
You must turn every insecurity issue into one where he's the one that has to change, not you. And you must send a strong signal that you will not allow yourself to be controlled.
By Jay, 18, from UK:
My boyfriend's had a lot of bad relationships in the past...he's been cheated on etc. and that obviously has left its mark on him and he finds it really hard to trust girlfriends.
In the beginning of our relationship I tried to be supportive and put a lot of effort into helping him see that history doesn't have to repeat itself/he can trust me etc. The only problem is that now we've been together for a couple of YEARS and I'm starting to get fed up of his insecurities (I know that sounds harsh and I do love him a lot but it's honest). By the way, this isn't a problem that affects our relationship everyday, but it does come up every couple of weeks or so and lately it's been turning into arguments which it hadn't before. I'm happy with our relationship but his insecurities and worries about what happened to him in the past make me wonder if we've got a future.
Anyway, basically what I wanted to know is...is there a way for me to get through to him that he can trust me? And if not, what's the best way for me to diffuse the situation when he gets uptight for no reason? Do you think its something that will ever change or am I just gonna have to accept that as part of his personality?
thanks
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no way for you to make him see that you'd never cheat. For one, isn't that what everyone who cheats says before they cheat? Two, of course you might cheat some time in the future under circumstances you can't foresee now. Three, his insecurities have nothing to do with you (and this is the point you must understand and accept above all).
Unless you stop enabling him, you will have to live with this forever, only that it will get worse. He'll become more and more insecure and his demands of you will increase.
Often, these kinds of insecurity tantrums are a way of getting your attention, of you compromising your freedom and self-worth and him gaining more and more control over your life. That's right, pay close attention: these "insecurities" often are nothing more than masking a controlling personality. Do NOT let him get away with it.
So what to do? It takes discipline and it will take time, but you must downplay what he says and you must stop taking it personally. Detach yourself from his words. Next time he acts jealous and says, for example, that you were flirting with another guy, just say: "That is not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And carry on with your life. Don't yell at him, don't sulk, don't show anger, just go about doing what you were doing.
By saying "if it makes you happy to believe it", you're changing the topic from your actions to his feelings. And his feelings are the problem. That's what needs to be the topic of conversation, not your actions. So, it's not you wearing a short skirt that's the problem, it's why he thinks it is. It's not you talking to another guy that's the problem, it's what he thinks about it that is.
You must turn every insecurity issue into one where he's the one that has to change, not you. And you must send a strong signal that you will not allow yourself to be controlled.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I think that he was happy to see me
Submitted on Thursday, April 17, 2008
By alisa, 30, from virginia:
My ex and I have not not seen each other in a couple of months. We made arrangements to meet. I went over to his place and we had a really wonderful time. I think that he was happy to see me. He acted nervous at first, but then he stared and when I looked up he acted like he wasn't looking. We then went out to lunch and had a lovely time. It seemed like old times again. Do you think that he could still have felings for me or was he just enjoying my company? I do want him back, but I want to know if he's stil interested. I'm scared to come out and ask him. HELP
VictorM's advice:
If everything is so wonderful, why did you breakup? There had to be a reason. What makes you think those reasons won't come back? Chances are that unless something drastic happened during those two months you were away from each other, the problem will return.
Sometimes it's easier to get along when you're not committed or when you're in your best behavior to make sure everything goes well. Unfortunately, very few people have the energy to make that last a lifetime.
He may be testing the waters for a reconciliation but it could be just another step in confirming that moving on is the right thing to do. If you don't have the courage to ask for a reconciliation, wait for him to do it. If that's what he's after, he will ask you. For now, what's the rush? Just enjoy his company.
By alisa, 30, from virginia:
My ex and I have not not seen each other in a couple of months. We made arrangements to meet. I went over to his place and we had a really wonderful time. I think that he was happy to see me. He acted nervous at first, but then he stared and when I looked up he acted like he wasn't looking. We then went out to lunch and had a lovely time. It seemed like old times again. Do you think that he could still have felings for me or was he just enjoying my company? I do want him back, but I want to know if he's stil interested. I'm scared to come out and ask him. HELP
VictorM's advice:
If everything is so wonderful, why did you breakup? There had to be a reason. What makes you think those reasons won't come back? Chances are that unless something drastic happened during those two months you were away from each other, the problem will return.
Sometimes it's easier to get along when you're not committed or when you're in your best behavior to make sure everything goes well. Unfortunately, very few people have the energy to make that last a lifetime.
He may be testing the waters for a reconciliation but it could be just another step in confirming that moving on is the right thing to do. If you don't have the courage to ask for a reconciliation, wait for him to do it. If that's what he's after, he will ask you. For now, what's the rush? Just enjoy his company.
Why do guys ask for your number if they don't call?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 16, 2008
By Mia, 21, from Florida:
Why do guys ask for your number if they don't call..lol. I've met this one guy who happens to have quite a bit in common with me..but because we live like 2 hours away from each other it seems like he doesn't want to really commit to anything more than friends. He's kind of friendly with everyone, but what's weird is when we were at the same place at the same time, he seemed to come up to me a lot but not say anything..more of me starting up convos. When I was standing next to this girl he came to talk to her instead of me. [he knows her too.] When I was talking to another guy, he came up and stood right next to me while we watched everyone play texas hold em. Mind you, this one asked for my number about a year ago and he's only probably called me twice. clearly, he may not be interested. But I'm just wanting some opinions. haha.
VictorM's advice:
Many times, asking for a girl's phone number and getting it is in itself the goal. It's like candy for the male ego, a bragging right. Whether he call the girl or not is a completely different matter. Guys don't even have to like a girl to ask for her phone number; they just need to feel it's a challenge or something to impress their male friends with.
By Mia, 21, from Florida:
Why do guys ask for your number if they don't call..lol. I've met this one guy who happens to have quite a bit in common with me..but because we live like 2 hours away from each other it seems like he doesn't want to really commit to anything more than friends. He's kind of friendly with everyone, but what's weird is when we were at the same place at the same time, he seemed to come up to me a lot but not say anything..more of me starting up convos. When I was standing next to this girl he came to talk to her instead of me. [he knows her too.] When I was talking to another guy, he came up and stood right next to me while we watched everyone play texas hold em. Mind you, this one asked for my number about a year ago and he's only probably called me twice. clearly, he may not be interested. But I'm just wanting some opinions. haha.
VictorM's advice:
Many times, asking for a girl's phone number and getting it is in itself the goal. It's like candy for the male ego, a bragging right. Whether he call the girl or not is a completely different matter. Guys don't even have to like a girl to ask for her phone number; they just need to feel it's a challenge or something to impress their male friends with.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
He says he is really busy
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By Sheryl, 25, from San Diego:
I like this guy at work. We've gone out 6-7 times the past couple months. He was just out of a long relationship and so was I. He seemed really interested in seeing me earlier, however now I am the one to always take the initiative to set up dates. The past couple times when I ask him, he says he is really busy.The last time he said he was busy and made up the next week, however now it's been 2 weeks and he says he has no time. I've asked him if everything is alright or he just doesn't want to see me and he said no, he is just busy. He's weird, I don't really know what he's thinking. But sure he does touch me in the hallways if he sees me and at the same time he is busy to see me. Honestly, I don't know if he likes me or is just playing around. He has this impression that I'm way too perfect. I just wish men could be more honest.
VictorM's advice:
Men are honest. You just have to learn the language. Let me help you:
"I'm really busy" = You don't really excite me much anymore but maybe it's just a phase and there's no point in burning any bridges by telling it to your face. Besides, you'd probably cry and make me feel like a louse, so I'll just evade you for a while to give me time to decide what to do.
"No, I'm just busy" (after you ask if he lost interest) = "Yes, I'm not that excited about you anymore but I'm not ready to tell you that yet."
Touches you in hallways = Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to fuck you if we could work that out without much fuss.
See? It's not that difficult.
By Sheryl, 25, from San Diego:
I like this guy at work. We've gone out 6-7 times the past couple months. He was just out of a long relationship and so was I. He seemed really interested in seeing me earlier, however now I am the one to always take the initiative to set up dates. The past couple times when I ask him, he says he is really busy.The last time he said he was busy and made up the next week, however now it's been 2 weeks and he says he has no time. I've asked him if everything is alright or he just doesn't want to see me and he said no, he is just busy. He's weird, I don't really know what he's thinking. But sure he does touch me in the hallways if he sees me and at the same time he is busy to see me. Honestly, I don't know if he likes me or is just playing around. He has this impression that I'm way too perfect. I just wish men could be more honest.
VictorM's advice:
Men are honest. You just have to learn the language. Let me help you:
"I'm really busy" = You don't really excite me much anymore but maybe it's just a phase and there's no point in burning any bridges by telling it to your face. Besides, you'd probably cry and make me feel like a louse, so I'll just evade you for a while to give me time to decide what to do.
"No, I'm just busy" (after you ask if he lost interest) = "Yes, I'm not that excited about you anymore but I'm not ready to tell you that yet."
Touches you in hallways = Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to fuck you if we could work that out without much fuss.
See? It's not that difficult.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Marina's soap opera continues
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
We broke up. Basically things have been going rough all week. We kept fighting, nothing was working out. Yesterday I told him I want a break, and for that whole day I was so happy I stood up for myself. I havent been that happy since we started dating. He seems to bring me down. There is a girl who constantly gets in the way. They claim they are just friends but she flirts with him infront of me. I told her to stop it as a joke and we laughed, but this stupid whore told him I got angry at her. He started defending her saying he doesnt believe me because Im always jealous. (this is all through texts) I just dont know where we stand. He gives me mixed signals all the time. First hes happy and we have a great day, then hes so depressed and takes it out on me starting a fight. He blames every fight on me and says its my fault. When we were arguing over that girl situation I got sick of it and told him its over in a heat of the moment type of way. He got so furious a mutual friend told me he was throwing things yelling at everyone the next period. (this was in school) He texted me 3 times after saying very mean things and how everything is my fault and he didnt do anything wrong. I didnt answer. We are two very stubborn people and this fight is so stupid. Basically I texted him 2 hours later saying I just wanted to let him know where I stand, and that I want to be with him, and I want to know where he stands. He said he does not want to be in a relationship right now, and I told him its alright and sincerly told him I hope everything works out well for him. He answered by saying I was talking trash about him with the people at my lunch table when I really wasnt because I dont trust them. (the girl sits at my table) In the end I said I do not want to keep fighting with him, that Im sorry it didnt work out, and that I am not against him. He said he doesnt want to talk right now and I never answered. I really have no reason to stay with him. I don’t know why but I cant stop liking him. I just need to be comforted all the time. I need to feel safe and I need to have someone around. But he hurts me so much. At the same time I cant let go. I want him to myself. I want him to want to be with me. I feel so stupid between him and the girl because she is getting what she wants and I am losing it. I know that there are certain things you can say to a guy to make it right. I want to fix it. What should I do?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 16, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
Today- he got mad at me because someone walked me to class and when I texted him to have my chapstick back he said he'll give it to the kid when he doesnt know him. he made stupid comments like that. Later on today I found out that he was talking and still is talking to a girl behind my back. I think they hooked up while I was with him. Basically cheated on me. What am I going to do.
VictorM's answer:
Marina... I'm going to have to create a web page just to answer your questions. :-p Actually, why don't you join the forum? You'd fit right in with Monica and Dottie: you all can't let go of guys that don't appear to want you but they can't let go of you either. I'm serious. Join the forum.
Anyway... you know what to do, you just can't muster enough will power to do it. And now pride is complicating the issue. Go back to my earlier advice and try some of the suggestions I gave you. There is no simple answer. Just keep trying.
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
We broke up. Basically things have been going rough all week. We kept fighting, nothing was working out. Yesterday I told him I want a break, and for that whole day I was so happy I stood up for myself. I havent been that happy since we started dating. He seems to bring me down. There is a girl who constantly gets in the way. They claim they are just friends but she flirts with him infront of me. I told her to stop it as a joke and we laughed, but this stupid whore told him I got angry at her. He started defending her saying he doesnt believe me because Im always jealous. (this is all through texts) I just dont know where we stand. He gives me mixed signals all the time. First hes happy and we have a great day, then hes so depressed and takes it out on me starting a fight. He blames every fight on me and says its my fault. When we were arguing over that girl situation I got sick of it and told him its over in a heat of the moment type of way. He got so furious a mutual friend told me he was throwing things yelling at everyone the next period. (this was in school) He texted me 3 times after saying very mean things and how everything is my fault and he didnt do anything wrong. I didnt answer. We are two very stubborn people and this fight is so stupid. Basically I texted him 2 hours later saying I just wanted to let him know where I stand, and that I want to be with him, and I want to know where he stands. He said he does not want to be in a relationship right now, and I told him its alright and sincerly told him I hope everything works out well for him. He answered by saying I was talking trash about him with the people at my lunch table when I really wasnt because I dont trust them. (the girl sits at my table) In the end I said I do not want to keep fighting with him, that Im sorry it didnt work out, and that I am not against him. He said he doesnt want to talk right now and I never answered. I really have no reason to stay with him. I don’t know why but I cant stop liking him. I just need to be comforted all the time. I need to feel safe and I need to have someone around. But he hurts me so much. At the same time I cant let go. I want him to myself. I want him to want to be with me. I feel so stupid between him and the girl because she is getting what she wants and I am losing it. I know that there are certain things you can say to a guy to make it right. I want to fix it. What should I do?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 16, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
Today- he got mad at me because someone walked me to class and when I texted him to have my chapstick back he said he'll give it to the kid when he doesnt know him. he made stupid comments like that. Later on today I found out that he was talking and still is talking to a girl behind my back. I think they hooked up while I was with him. Basically cheated on me. What am I going to do.
VictorM's answer:
Marina... I'm going to have to create a web page just to answer your questions. :-p Actually, why don't you join the forum? You'd fit right in with Monica and Dottie: you all can't let go of guys that don't appear to want you but they can't let go of you either. I'm serious. Join the forum.
Anyway... you know what to do, you just can't muster enough will power to do it. And now pride is complicating the issue. Go back to my earlier advice and try some of the suggestions I gave you. There is no simple answer. Just keep trying.
He never calls on the phone
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By michelle, 42, from middle east:
I met this man during my embed in Iraq. I am a journalist and he works there . We started emailing and met several times. We have been emailing for one year but he never calls on the phone. He even sent just an email when his flight got messed up when we were supposed to meet which left me in Jordan waiting for him for a day. I have mentioned this to him . He has called twice in this year period. His emails even say he loves me. Now..I divorced one and half years ago after being married for more than 20 years. This relationship that I am speaking of is the only one I have had since I divorced. I am afraid that I have not learned much and feel stuck . I do need the man I am involved with to call on occasion.
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally aren't very fond of using the phone. But twice in a year sounds scarce, specially since you made a point to mention it to him. Sounds like a sign that this man is not as attentive with you as you'd like.
If having a relationship with an attentive man is a priority for you, well... let your fingers do the walking and keep searching. The last thing you want to do is ignore troubling signs. After 20 years married, maybe you should shop around a little more anyway.
By michelle, 42, from middle east:
I met this man during my embed in Iraq. I am a journalist and he works there . We started emailing and met several times. We have been emailing for one year but he never calls on the phone. He even sent just an email when his flight got messed up when we were supposed to meet which left me in Jordan waiting for him for a day. I have mentioned this to him . He has called twice in this year period. His emails even say he loves me. Now..I divorced one and half years ago after being married for more than 20 years. This relationship that I am speaking of is the only one I have had since I divorced. I am afraid that I have not learned much and feel stuck . I do need the man I am involved with to call on occasion.
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally aren't very fond of using the phone. But twice in a year sounds scarce, specially since you made a point to mention it to him. Sounds like a sign that this man is not as attentive with you as you'd like.
If having a relationship with an attentive man is a priority for you, well... let your fingers do the walking and keep searching. The last thing you want to do is ignore troubling signs. After 20 years married, maybe you should shop around a little more anyway.
Dress to impress
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Hi Victor: It has been awhile since I contacted you. I hope I may ask your advice once again (you are always so helpful) on my continuing efforts (details follow).
My earlier correspondence to you was about a man (professional) where I work. You provided terrific suggestions and per your advice, I did wait, and asked him again to lunch. And once again, he was very enthusiastic, smiled, and said, "lunch will be great fun, I look forward to it". He did, however, mention he would be travelling overseas (two trips at the beginning of the term; out-of-the-country for 4 weeks) and that his current teaching load (undergrad/graduate) is very full (100+ students). Between the travelling, teaching/research work loads, etc., it has taken some time, to get a lunch date rescheduled. During this time we have kept up communication, speak to each other when we meet in the hallways, discuss weekend activities, etc., and I still catch him staring at me. An important note: I did find out that his divorce was final in November 2007 and that he has been granted shared custody of his children. Since it isn't my intention to overwhelm the fellow...any advice, comments, help, in this regard is greatly appreciated!
I don't want to appear to be too eager, but, I would like to make an impression (visually) on him. Do you have any suggestions on what I should wear at our lunch? We will both be at work, and my clothing must be work appropriate, but again, I would like to make a impression... Your advice about restaurants was a great idea, and he responded about a new restaurant that he frequents and where we will have lunch.
As always, thanks Victor!!!
VictorM's advice:
This is a hard question because tastes vary greatly. If you wear a low cut top, for example, one guy may find it very sexy while another may find it trashy.
What I would say is dress as sexy as you want to feel, including under garments. That's because whether you realize it or now, you project how you feel. He may or may not pick up on it, but chances are that he will.
There is a certain look that spells femininity -- impeccable hair, clothing that clings to your best features yet leave a lot to the imagination, nice scent, high-heels, tasteful makeup... you know the drill. Go for it; odds are that it will work in your favor.
Oh... and make sure you make light physical contact. For example, when making a point, let the tip of your fingers touch the back of his hand or arm. Do it very lightly and only for a second or two. Touch is a great barrier breaker.
Good luck.
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Hi Victor: It has been awhile since I contacted you. I hope I may ask your advice once again (you are always so helpful) on my continuing efforts (details follow).
My earlier correspondence to you was about a man (professional) where I work. You provided terrific suggestions and per your advice, I did wait, and asked him again to lunch. And once again, he was very enthusiastic, smiled, and said, "lunch will be great fun, I look forward to it". He did, however, mention he would be travelling overseas (two trips at the beginning of the term; out-of-the-country for 4 weeks) and that his current teaching load (undergrad/graduate) is very full (100+ students). Between the travelling, teaching/research work loads, etc., it has taken some time, to get a lunch date rescheduled. During this time we have kept up communication, speak to each other when we meet in the hallways, discuss weekend activities, etc., and I still catch him staring at me. An important note: I did find out that his divorce was final in November 2007 and that he has been granted shared custody of his children. Since it isn't my intention to overwhelm the fellow...any advice, comments, help, in this regard is greatly appreciated!
I don't want to appear to be too eager, but, I would like to make an impression (visually) on him. Do you have any suggestions on what I should wear at our lunch? We will both be at work, and my clothing must be work appropriate, but again, I would like to make a impression... Your advice about restaurants was a great idea, and he responded about a new restaurant that he frequents and where we will have lunch.
As always, thanks Victor!!!
VictorM's advice:
This is a hard question because tastes vary greatly. If you wear a low cut top, for example, one guy may find it very sexy while another may find it trashy.
What I would say is dress as sexy as you want to feel, including under garments. That's because whether you realize it or now, you project how you feel. He may or may not pick up on it, but chances are that he will.
There is a certain look that spells femininity -- impeccable hair, clothing that clings to your best features yet leave a lot to the imagination, nice scent, high-heels, tasteful makeup... you know the drill. Go for it; odds are that it will work in your favor.
Oh... and make sure you make light physical contact. For example, when making a point, let the tip of your fingers touch the back of his hand or arm. Do it very lightly and only for a second or two. Touch is a great barrier breaker.
Good luck.
Sometimes it seems like he doesn't care
Submitted on Monday, April 14, 2008
By tory, 16, from VA:
ok, so there is this guy at my school who I've been messing around with [friends with benefits if you will] for about 3 or 4 months now. I'm really really starting to like him and he has told me several times that he likes me, but when I ask him if he is ever going to ask me out he says that he's not ready for a relationship and the "I love you"'s yet but whatever happens happens and that if I don't feel comfortable with our situation now, we can stop fooling around. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't care, and that I'm just a play thing and when i tell him this he says he does care and that he's not making out with any other girls and he doesn't like any other girl. so i was wondering, is he ever going to ask me out? am i really just a temporary play thing? does he really care about me? thanks for helping me out =]
VictorM's advice:
You are just a play thing. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you and doesn't care for you, but not in a romantic way.
By tory, 16, from VA:
ok, so there is this guy at my school who I've been messing around with [friends with benefits if you will] for about 3 or 4 months now. I'm really really starting to like him and he has told me several times that he likes me, but when I ask him if he is ever going to ask me out he says that he's not ready for a relationship and the "I love you"'s yet but whatever happens happens and that if I don't feel comfortable with our situation now, we can stop fooling around. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't care, and that I'm just a play thing and when i tell him this he says he does care and that he's not making out with any other girls and he doesn't like any other girl. so i was wondering, is he ever going to ask me out? am i really just a temporary play thing? does he really care about me? thanks for helping me out =]
VictorM's advice:
You are just a play thing. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you and doesn't care for you, but not in a romantic way.
Am I being a baby?
Submitted on Monday, April 14, 2008
By deb, 45, from ny:
I have been with this guy now 2 1/2 years. When we met he was all over me . During this time if we went out he would act distant in public, will not show public affection , if we sit at a bar he doesn't even want to touch me. He would not say I love you and we moved in together in November last year. He didn't do anything for my birthday or Valentine's day. When we are alone he really acts like ke cares although love never comes out of his mouth. It's getting so sex is mostly about him now. He has been married 3 times and says he will never do it again. We got this house together but my name isn't on anything because he didn't want it to be. He says 3 times he lost his homes and it's not happening again. When we are alone he refers to it as our home but when around his family he says my home. When we're alone he makes me feel so cared about???? I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT?
We were going to a small bar on Saturday nights but from the first night my sister's friend has been buying him shots and when I tell him how upset it makes me (jealous) he tells me I'm being childish. Now we can't go to that bar instead of him telling her no more and showing I'm his.
I guess I love him so so much and want the world to know I do and that he does too but honestly I don't know if he does. He keeps saying you're happy we're together?
Help. Am I being a baby?????
VictorM's advice:
You're in love with a man who doesn't quite measure up to what you expect. An adult will recognize that if all you have is chicken shit you can't make tasty chicken salad with it. If you don't recognize the man for what he is and continue to expect a miracle turn around, you're not a baby -- you're insane!
By deb, 45, from ny:
I have been with this guy now 2 1/2 years. When we met he was all over me . During this time if we went out he would act distant in public, will not show public affection , if we sit at a bar he doesn't even want to touch me. He would not say I love you and we moved in together in November last year. He didn't do anything for my birthday or Valentine's day. When we are alone he really acts like ke cares although love never comes out of his mouth. It's getting so sex is mostly about him now. He has been married 3 times and says he will never do it again. We got this house together but my name isn't on anything because he didn't want it to be. He says 3 times he lost his homes and it's not happening again. When we are alone he refers to it as our home but when around his family he says my home. When we're alone he makes me feel so cared about???? I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT?
We were going to a small bar on Saturday nights but from the first night my sister's friend has been buying him shots and when I tell him how upset it makes me (jealous) he tells me I'm being childish. Now we can't go to that bar instead of him telling her no more and showing I'm his.
I guess I love him so so much and want the world to know I do and that he does too but honestly I don't know if he does. He keeps saying you're happy we're together?
Help. Am I being a baby?????
VictorM's advice:
You're in love with a man who doesn't quite measure up to what you expect. An adult will recognize that if all you have is chicken shit you can't make tasty chicken salad with it. If you don't recognize the man for what he is and continue to expect a miracle turn around, you're not a baby -- you're insane!
Monday, April 14, 2008
He gets horny
Submitted on Saturday, April 12, 2008
By nicole barber, 14, from tennessee:
How do I get a guy to want me so bad he gets horny (I'm not a slut by the way ... Just curious).
VictorM's answer:
Boys your age awake up horny and go to sleep horny. All you have to do to get a rise out of them is be alive. Lots of them probably already get woodies thinking of you.
So trust me, you don't have to try any harder.
How do I get a guy to want me so bad he gets horny (I'm not a slut by the way ... Just curious).
VictorM's answer:
Boys your age awake up horny and go to sleep horny. All you have to do to get a rise out of them is be alive. Lots of them probably already get woodies thinking of you.
So trust me, you don't have to try any harder.
This guy wanted me to be his girlfriend
Submitted on Saturday, April 12, 2008
By star, 30, from TN:
At 1st this guy wanted me to be his girlfriend. He told me that he didn't want to share me. Weeks later he wanted to friends. I started hearing and seeing him more than ever. His kids love me. He tells me I rock all the time. Things will be good then I won't hear from him a weekend after we spent 2 or 3 weekends together. I'll get a text message saying "Hey girl you are a realy cool person." We hardly have sex. When we did this last time we hung out afterwards and had fun, late the next day 3 hrs after I left I get a text msg that says thanks for everything, sorry 4 being a asshole.He says he feels bad for using me for sex. He says he sees me as a friend, feels selfish, needs to stop and be a better friend to me. He still calls me. One minute he's up then down. He is forever telling me I rock. Weeks later it's sometimes I think you deserve a better friend. I told him I will leave him alone if he wants me too, but he says no, I still want to hang out. He intoduces me as his really good, good friend. I don't invite myself to hang with him..he invites me. We will hang at his house, then he will come to my house the next day. Is he confused? Does he want me to go, but is scared to really tell me? Does he even care about me? Does he want me around for his ego or until he finds a woman he wants to date. Believe me when I tell you I hardly call him and I don't nag at all.
VictorM's advice:
No, star, he's not confused. He's very clear, in fact. And has said so.
Listen, he's not into you romantically. Sure, he'll take the sex, and as long as you share it, he'll take it, but he's been very clear he's not interested in anything more. So why does he keep coming back from time to time? Because you keep letting him. It's that simple. He gets some sex and some pleasant company, so why not?
If you enjoy the sex and the infrequent company, continue what you're doing, but if you're expecting anything more you're wasting your time.
By star, 30, from TN:
At 1st this guy wanted me to be his girlfriend. He told me that he didn't want to share me. Weeks later he wanted to friends. I started hearing and seeing him more than ever. His kids love me. He tells me I rock all the time. Things will be good then I won't hear from him a weekend after we spent 2 or 3 weekends together. I'll get a text message saying "Hey girl you are a realy cool person." We hardly have sex. When we did this last time we hung out afterwards and had fun, late the next day 3 hrs after I left I get a text msg that says thanks for everything, sorry 4 being a asshole.He says he feels bad for using me for sex. He says he sees me as a friend, feels selfish, needs to stop and be a better friend to me. He still calls me. One minute he's up then down. He is forever telling me I rock. Weeks later it's sometimes I think you deserve a better friend. I told him I will leave him alone if he wants me too, but he says no, I still want to hang out. He intoduces me as his really good, good friend. I don't invite myself to hang with him..he invites me. We will hang at his house, then he will come to my house the next day. Is he confused? Does he want me to go, but is scared to really tell me? Does he even care about me? Does he want me around for his ego or until he finds a woman he wants to date. Believe me when I tell you I hardly call him and I don't nag at all.
VictorM's advice:
No, star, he's not confused. He's very clear, in fact. And has said so.
Listen, he's not into you romantically. Sure, he'll take the sex, and as long as you share it, he'll take it, but he's been very clear he's not interested in anything more. So why does he keep coming back from time to time? Because you keep letting him. It's that simple. He gets some sex and some pleasant company, so why not?
If you enjoy the sex and the infrequent company, continue what you're doing, but if you're expecting anything more you're wasting your time.
It's like we're on different planets
Submitted on Saturday, April 12, 2008
By Sarah, 16, from Maine:
Ok so there is this really cute guy in my study hall and we have never even talked before and we don't know each other or have the same friends so it's like we're on different planets, and that is why its so hard. I know he definitely likes me because he is always looking at me and it's really funny because we like communicate with just like looking at each other like we've been in the hall alone at the same time like 5 times and we just give each other this knowing smile because we know we like each other and yesterday he sat next to me on these couches in studyhall but I got nervous and didn't say anything and neither did he so do you think I ruined it? I don't want to play with him and give mixed signals but I feel like I did without trying. I'm thinking of just like touching his shoulder while he's at his locker tommorow and just saying hi and then keeping walking just to get his attention but keep him wanting more lol do you think it's ok to do that or is it too much and I should let him approach me? but I don't think he will cause I think he's shy and if i say hi it's his next move right?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you ruined anything at all.
I think it's best if he pursues you but if he's shy, then a little push wouldn't hurt. So go ahead and do your little touch by the locker thing, if you have the nerve. At least say hi to him and use his name, something like: "Hi, John."
Ok so there is this really cute guy in my study hall and we have never even talked before and we don't know each other or have the same friends so it's like we're on different planets, and that is why its so hard. I know he definitely likes me because he is always looking at me and it's really funny because we like communicate with just like looking at each other like we've been in the hall alone at the same time like 5 times and we just give each other this knowing smile because we know we like each other and yesterday he sat next to me on these couches in studyhall but I got nervous and didn't say anything and neither did he so do you think I ruined it? I don't want to play with him and give mixed signals but I feel like I did without trying. I'm thinking of just like touching his shoulder while he's at his locker tommorow and just saying hi and then keeping walking just to get his attention but keep him wanting more lol do you think it's ok to do that or is it too much and I should let him approach me? but I don't think he will cause I think he's shy and if i say hi it's his next move right?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you ruined anything at all.
I think it's best if he pursues you but if he's shy, then a little push wouldn't hurt. So go ahead and do your little touch by the locker thing, if you have the nerve. At least say hi to him and use his name, something like: "Hi, John."
Could he be smoking weed compulsively to get over the ex?
Submitted on Friday, April 11, 2008
By mary, 19, from wisconsin:
I was with my current bf's bestfriend/roomate before he and i got together, and we are all friends, we spend a lot of time together. It doesn't seem to bother him that i ws with his best friend and like i said we all hang out.. my bf is very good to me, but right before we got together he was in a complicated relationship with a girl back home that he really loved, when they broke up he was kind of messed up over the break up but acted like he was o.k with it. He immediately got into a relationship with me. he and I where friends while he was in his previous relationship and he confessed a few things to me about how much he loved her, and he couldn't concentrate at school etc. because of obsessing over if she was with somebody else etc.he couldn't stand the thought of somebody else even kissing her ... he came back from summer break with a strong interest in weed, he has tried quitting but he alsways goes back. It seems to me that he uses to forget and kind of numb his feelings...please understand he is very very attentive to me and very good to me he treats me like a princess we are together a lot we hang with his friends not mine. i guess my question is why do you think it botheres him so much that his previous gf might possibly date another guy and he isn't apparently bothered at all that i was with his bf/roomate? and do you think he could be smoking that weed compulsively to get over the ex? could he really be pretending to be really into me because he doesn't want to be alone, and well the sex? please tell me the truth. I need to hear the truth.
VictorM's answer:
He is more bothered by his ex being with someone else than he is with you having been with his friend for one reason: territoriality. She was his "territory" so the new guy is infringing; you weren't his "territory" when you were with his friend. This is very common male behavior.
He's smoking weed because he likes it. Could the break-up be playing a role in his increased usage? Could be, but regardless of the reason, he has the problem now; blaming it on the break-up is being an enabler. Don't do it.
The relationship that follows a break-up can be messy and clunky. Often it's just a stepping stone. If you expected that because he's with you he should all of a sudden forget her, you'd be wrong. His ego was severely bruised and it will take time to get over that wound. He'll need time to get over her. And that has nothing to do with you.
And all your questions could be right, but they don't have to be. If you suspect he wants you for sex, cut out the sex. If you suspect he just doesn't want to be alone, distance yourself. But ultimately, only you can make the decisions that it's worth sticking with him through this healing process.
By mary, 19, from wisconsin:
I was with my current bf's bestfriend/roomate before he and i got together, and we are all friends, we spend a lot of time together. It doesn't seem to bother him that i ws with his best friend and like i said we all hang out.. my bf is very good to me, but right before we got together he was in a complicated relationship with a girl back home that he really loved, when they broke up he was kind of messed up over the break up but acted like he was o.k with it. He immediately got into a relationship with me. he and I where friends while he was in his previous relationship and he confessed a few things to me about how much he loved her, and he couldn't concentrate at school etc. because of obsessing over if she was with somebody else etc.he couldn't stand the thought of somebody else even kissing her ... he came back from summer break with a strong interest in weed, he has tried quitting but he alsways goes back. It seems to me that he uses to forget and kind of numb his feelings...please understand he is very very attentive to me and very good to me he treats me like a princess we are together a lot we hang with his friends not mine. i guess my question is why do you think it botheres him so much that his previous gf might possibly date another guy and he isn't apparently bothered at all that i was with his bf/roomate? and do you think he could be smoking that weed compulsively to get over the ex? could he really be pretending to be really into me because he doesn't want to be alone, and well the sex? please tell me the truth. I need to hear the truth.
VictorM's answer:
He is more bothered by his ex being with someone else than he is with you having been with his friend for one reason: territoriality. She was his "territory" so the new guy is infringing; you weren't his "territory" when you were with his friend. This is very common male behavior.
He's smoking weed because he likes it. Could the break-up be playing a role in his increased usage? Could be, but regardless of the reason, he has the problem now; blaming it on the break-up is being an enabler. Don't do it.
The relationship that follows a break-up can be messy and clunky. Often it's just a stepping stone. If you expected that because he's with you he should all of a sudden forget her, you'd be wrong. His ego was severely bruised and it will take time to get over that wound. He'll need time to get over her. And that has nothing to do with you.
And all your questions could be right, but they don't have to be. If you suspect he wants you for sex, cut out the sex. If you suspect he just doesn't want to be alone, distance yourself. But ultimately, only you can make the decisions that it's worth sticking with him through this healing process.
Linda's a really cool girl
Submitted on Friday, April 11, 2008
By Linda, 24, from Carlsbad, CA:
So there is this guy at work that I recently have been talking to I'll run into him every now and then and he gets really nervous when I see him. He hangs out with mainly guys but lately I have seen him walking around twice with two different girls. I've heard he's not the player type. He says hi to me like he always does nothing awkward when he's with them so I believe they are just friends. we talk on the phone when we're off and it seems like he likes me (we have hung out with his family and they all joke around with him because they know he likes me, make it awkward so that we eventually have to sit next to each other.) so my friend which he knows well, decides to ask him how things are going with us. She see's him and makes small talk and he brings me up that when she see's me to send me his way. So then she asks him so what is going on with you and Linda? He tells her Linda's a really cool girl. But I'm just taking it slow. Real slow. So what exactly does this mean? From the people that know him they have told me that he's not a "player". should I worry about these other girls? Is he interested in me as just a friend or more than just friends? I've been hurt so I just don't want it to happen again. He's older about 7 yrs. So I just need some help on figuring him out.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, guys are notoriously slow, but the way you described his attitude, he enjoys your company but doesn't seem that his romantic loins are catching fire over you.
My advice: see how it goes but don't get your hopes too high. Keep checking other guys out.
By Linda, 24, from Carlsbad, CA:
So there is this guy at work that I recently have been talking to I'll run into him every now and then and he gets really nervous when I see him. He hangs out with mainly guys but lately I have seen him walking around twice with two different girls. I've heard he's not the player type. He says hi to me like he always does nothing awkward when he's with them so I believe they are just friends. we talk on the phone when we're off and it seems like he likes me (we have hung out with his family and they all joke around with him because they know he likes me, make it awkward so that we eventually have to sit next to each other.) so my friend which he knows well, decides to ask him how things are going with us. She see's him and makes small talk and he brings me up that when she see's me to send me his way. So then she asks him so what is going on with you and Linda? He tells her Linda's a really cool girl. But I'm just taking it slow. Real slow. So what exactly does this mean? From the people that know him they have told me that he's not a "player". should I worry about these other girls? Is he interested in me as just a friend or more than just friends? I've been hurt so I just don't want it to happen again. He's older about 7 yrs. So I just need some help on figuring him out.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, guys are notoriously slow, but the way you described his attitude, he enjoys your company but doesn't seem that his romantic loins are catching fire over you.
My advice: see how it goes but don't get your hopes too high. Keep checking other guys out.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I have never been in love with him
Submitted on Thursday, April 10, 2008
By donna, 39, from new hampshire:
I've been with a wonderful man that I consider my best friend for about 20 months. He loves me deeply and we have a lot of fun together. Problem is... I have never been in love with him, don't find him very attractive, and rarely want sex with him. I don't have children and don't want to. He wants marriage... I don't. Should I stay or go?
VictorM's advice:
You shouldn't have to do either, you should just tell him the balanced truth (by balanced truth I mean you don't have to tell him you don't find him attractive).
You should say you love his company but you're not in love with him, that you do not want children, and there will be no marriage between you two. That while you'd love to continue to enjoy his friendship (if indeed you do), you would be seeking to finding someone to love. (I say this because I don't see why you should give up a good friendship while you keep your eyes open for love).
Given this information, let him decide if he thinks he should stay or go.
By donna, 39, from new hampshire:
I've been with a wonderful man that I consider my best friend for about 20 months. He loves me deeply and we have a lot of fun together. Problem is... I have never been in love with him, don't find him very attractive, and rarely want sex with him. I don't have children and don't want to. He wants marriage... I don't. Should I stay or go?
VictorM's advice:
You shouldn't have to do either, you should just tell him the balanced truth (by balanced truth I mean you don't have to tell him you don't find him attractive).
You should say you love his company but you're not in love with him, that you do not want children, and there will be no marriage between you two. That while you'd love to continue to enjoy his friendship (if indeed you do), you would be seeking to finding someone to love. (I say this because I don't see why you should give up a good friendship while you keep your eyes open for love).
Given this information, let him decide if he thinks he should stay or go.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Things are perfect
Submitted on Wednesday, April 09, 2008
By Tina, 28, from VA:
Dear Sir,
I have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now. Things are perfect, we both have good jobs education, same sense of humor, same social reactions etc. I have always hinted him that I want a marriage and future with him. He never said no, but never talks about this stuff either. To give you more details on him, he's the kind of guy who doesn't express his emotions or talks about sensitive stuff. On everything else he has opinions. Yesterday, he told me, he's thinking seriously about us. He told me, he loves me and respects me and knows he can't find anyone better. But he's not sure about us. As he might want to change job, do an MBA etc. I told him, am aware of all that, and will support him. Anyway, even after all the discussion, he said he's not sure about us or future. No clear answer. What should I do? Give him time, wait or move on.
Please note that I really love him and want a life with him only.
VictorM's advice:
It's virtually impossible to say why he feels this way, but I suggest you get off the "things are perfect" mantra because clearly things aren't as perfect as you perceive. They may be to you, but not to him. And unless you realize that rather quickly, you'll lose him.
A guy who is not talkative about his feelings becomes harder to figure out, but you may be putting too much effort into your own satisfaction and not paying enough attention to how he's feeling about things. Then again, maybe there's nothing you can do. Maybe you simply aren't the one for him, the way you feel he's the one for you, and he's finally coming to that realization.
Tightening your grip on him will only make it worse. You have to be willing to lose him if you stand a chance of keeping him. Give him space, pay more attention to his fears and wishes, and keep this in mind: perfection, as you described (lots of things in common) often breaths boredom. Couples who get along best aren't always the ones where things are too comfortable and orderly; often happy couples experience tension, spark, excitement, passion, drama, surprises... that sorta thing.
By Tina, 28, from VA:
Dear Sir,
I have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now. Things are perfect, we both have good jobs education, same sense of humor, same social reactions etc. I have always hinted him that I want a marriage and future with him. He never said no, but never talks about this stuff either. To give you more details on him, he's the kind of guy who doesn't express his emotions or talks about sensitive stuff. On everything else he has opinions. Yesterday, he told me, he's thinking seriously about us. He told me, he loves me and respects me and knows he can't find anyone better. But he's not sure about us. As he might want to change job, do an MBA etc. I told him, am aware of all that, and will support him. Anyway, even after all the discussion, he said he's not sure about us or future. No clear answer. What should I do? Give him time, wait or move on.
Please note that I really love him and want a life with him only.
VictorM's advice:
It's virtually impossible to say why he feels this way, but I suggest you get off the "things are perfect" mantra because clearly things aren't as perfect as you perceive. They may be to you, but not to him. And unless you realize that rather quickly, you'll lose him.
A guy who is not talkative about his feelings becomes harder to figure out, but you may be putting too much effort into your own satisfaction and not paying enough attention to how he's feeling about things. Then again, maybe there's nothing you can do. Maybe you simply aren't the one for him, the way you feel he's the one for you, and he's finally coming to that realization.
Tightening your grip on him will only make it worse. You have to be willing to lose him if you stand a chance of keeping him. Give him space, pay more attention to his fears and wishes, and keep this in mind: perfection, as you described (lots of things in common) often breaths boredom. Couples who get along best aren't always the ones where things are too comfortable and orderly; often happy couples experience tension, spark, excitement, passion, drama, surprises... that sorta thing.
My friend lied and told him I don't like him
Submitted on Wednesday, April 09, 2008
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor, my male best friend asked my female best friend if I like him a few days ago. She lied and told him that I don't, citing a few reasons for it. But since then, he's like avoiding me - not replying my sms, not replying my msg on msn, don't call me anymore and even avoid me in college. Could you explain his behaviour? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He wants to appear wounded in a visible manner so you can come and heal him. Guys often give the cold shoulder to a girl they like hoping she'll notice and be curious, therefore making him more noticeable to you. And in this case, it's working, cause you're curious.
If you think he's doing this because he lost interest in you, you'd be wrong. He wants you more than ever.
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor, my male best friend asked my female best friend if I like him a few days ago. She lied and told him that I don't, citing a few reasons for it. But since then, he's like avoiding me - not replying my sms, not replying my msg on msn, don't call me anymore and even avoid me in college. Could you explain his behaviour? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
He wants to appear wounded in a visible manner so you can come and heal him. Guys often give the cold shoulder to a girl they like hoping she'll notice and be curious, therefore making him more noticeable to you. And in this case, it's working, cause you're curious.
If you think he's doing this because he lost interest in you, you'd be wrong. He wants you more than ever.
I'm starting to feel like I'm in a bad porn movie
Submitted on Tuesday, April 08, 2008
By Cathy, 35, from Ohio:
I've started chatting with this guy online and we are meeting on Saturday for our first date. He's made it very clear that he wants sex to be a part of the plan. I don't have an issue with this if we hit it off, but since I agreed to the date he has been sending me very crude e-mails. I'm not talking about suggestive...I'm talking down right dirty and crude. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a bad porn movie. I haven't been with a lot of guys in my life, but I have dated quite a few times and no one has ever talked to me like this. It's getting a little uncomfortable. I'm wondering if I'm taking it too seriously? Should I just overlook it?
VictorM's advice:
Lots of women have the unfortunate luck of discovering that their mate is a creep way into the relationship. You, on the other hand, have known it since very early on. It baffles me that you'd still be considering seeing this guy (unless the dirty sex is what you want).
I don't think you're taking it too seriously; I fear you're not taking it seriously enough.
*gulp* I'm going to have to quote princess... DUMP HIM!
By Cathy, 35, from Ohio:
I've started chatting with this guy online and we are meeting on Saturday for our first date. He's made it very clear that he wants sex to be a part of the plan. I don't have an issue with this if we hit it off, but since I agreed to the date he has been sending me very crude e-mails. I'm not talking about suggestive...I'm talking down right dirty and crude. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a bad porn movie. I haven't been with a lot of guys in my life, but I have dated quite a few times and no one has ever talked to me like this. It's getting a little uncomfortable. I'm wondering if I'm taking it too seriously? Should I just overlook it?
VictorM's advice:
Lots of women have the unfortunate luck of discovering that their mate is a creep way into the relationship. You, on the other hand, have known it since very early on. It baffles me that you'd still be considering seeing this guy (unless the dirty sex is what you want).
I don't think you're taking it too seriously; I fear you're not taking it seriously enough.
*gulp* I'm going to have to quote princess... DUMP HIM!
Frigging annoying guy
Submitted on Tuesday, April 08, 2008
By Jessica, 14, from Rhode Island:
Dear you,
I have a qusetion about this frigging annoying guy who I hate and have no problem being mean to. But I think he likes me which creeps me out. What should I say to him? (and I don't care if i swear or say something mean).
VictorM's advice:
People are generally nicer than we give them credit for. Sometimes all they need is an opportunity to show it. Calling him names would be easy but would produce no results; be nice to him and you may gain a new friend. But even if you don't become friends, use this case to develop your ability to be compassionate and friendly. Those qualities will serve you better in life than hate and cursing.
By Jessica, 14, from Rhode Island:
Dear you,
I have a qusetion about this frigging annoying guy who I hate and have no problem being mean to. But I think he likes me which creeps me out. What should I say to him? (and I don't care if i swear or say something mean).
VictorM's advice:
People are generally nicer than we give them credit for. Sometimes all they need is an opportunity to show it. Calling him names would be easy but would produce no results; be nice to him and you may gain a new friend. But even if you don't become friends, use this case to develop your ability to be compassionate and friendly. Those qualities will serve you better in life than hate and cursing.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I felt like it was a brush-off
Submitted on Tuesday, April 08, 2008
By Isabel, 22, from Florida:
I was recently contacted by a guy I had a class with a few years ago. He told me that he had meant to ask me out back then but things were kind of crazy and he wanted to know if it would be ok for him to call me. I told him that would be fine, so he called the next 2 days, and after each phone conversation he always asked "would it be alright for me to call you again tomorrow?" Nothing serious was ever discussed. The last phone convo, he asked again if he could call me again the next day. He never did. He just dropped off the planet. 4 days went by so I sent him a message asking how he was doing. He said he had a super busy weekend and work was busy. Then he didn't talk to me anymore. So I sent him a message a few hours later telling him I was taking my dog to the park, asking if he would like to go. He said he was going to hang out with friends that evening. I felt like it was a brush-off. I'm confused because he pursued me, so why all of a sudden the drop in persistance...(no lie, I have like 50 some messages from him in my inbox) Should I just take this as a hint and forget about it. I don't want to be waiting around for a possibly asshole when I could be meeting someone else. Please help.
VictorM' s advice:
Forget hints; his actions are a direct and positive statement that he's not interested in you any longer.
For future reference, "I was too busy" is a bullshit line for "no longer interested but I'm too chicken to tell it to your face." His subsequent behavior is proof positive that he's no longer interested.
How does a guy go from sounding very interested to losing all interest? Well, it's quite simple, actually. Guys -- unlike what girls do with guys -- don't try to change the girl when they date her. They see her, hang out, get to know her, and all the while, all is great. Then, one day, they wake up and they realize they're no longer interested in her. It happens that quick. So it doesn't matter how many emails, phone calls, texts he sent your way until he lost interest; all that matters is that he lost it and when that happens, the contact stops.
Guys don't let things dwell thinking "she's ok expect for... " hoping that she'll change, and they don't blame her for "sending mixed signals." When a guy finds a turn off point, they bolt! They're gone! It's over. It's that simple. All that's left are the excuses and the evasion.
Welcome to the dating world, Isabel.
By Isabel, 22, from Florida:
I was recently contacted by a guy I had a class with a few years ago. He told me that he had meant to ask me out back then but things were kind of crazy and he wanted to know if it would be ok for him to call me. I told him that would be fine, so he called the next 2 days, and after each phone conversation he always asked "would it be alright for me to call you again tomorrow?" Nothing serious was ever discussed. The last phone convo, he asked again if he could call me again the next day. He never did. He just dropped off the planet. 4 days went by so I sent him a message asking how he was doing. He said he had a super busy weekend and work was busy. Then he didn't talk to me anymore. So I sent him a message a few hours later telling him I was taking my dog to the park, asking if he would like to go. He said he was going to hang out with friends that evening. I felt like it was a brush-off. I'm confused because he pursued me, so why all of a sudden the drop in persistance...(no lie, I have like 50 some messages from him in my inbox) Should I just take this as a hint and forget about it. I don't want to be waiting around for a possibly asshole when I could be meeting someone else. Please help.
VictorM' s advice:
Forget hints; his actions are a direct and positive statement that he's not interested in you any longer.
For future reference, "I was too busy" is a bullshit line for "no longer interested but I'm too chicken to tell it to your face." His subsequent behavior is proof positive that he's no longer interested.
How does a guy go from sounding very interested to losing all interest? Well, it's quite simple, actually. Guys -- unlike what girls do with guys -- don't try to change the girl when they date her. They see her, hang out, get to know her, and all the while, all is great. Then, one day, they wake up and they realize they're no longer interested in her. It happens that quick. So it doesn't matter how many emails, phone calls, texts he sent your way until he lost interest; all that matters is that he lost it and when that happens, the contact stops.
Guys don't let things dwell thinking "she's ok expect for... " hoping that she'll change, and they don't blame her for "sending mixed signals." When a guy finds a turn off point, they bolt! They're gone! It's over. It's that simple. All that's left are the excuses and the evasion.
Welcome to the dating world, Isabel.
He calls her "my wife"
Submitted on Tuesday, April 08, 2008
By Amy:
Hi Victor, my boyfriend and I have been together for one and half year now. There was few months, he could not get a job and always focus on playing the online game. Today, I just found out he is very close to one girl whom he met on the game and they write to each other almost six months now. He calls her "my wife" and name himself as her husband on the email. When he is sad at work, he will write to her also. I feel bad that he is close to her more than me. I know that girl lives in other country, and he always ask her to help him to play the online game so he can get in higher level since he has no time to play now in his email. Should I trust him? Does it mean that he is having affair with other woman now? thanks
VictorM's advice:
How did you read the emails? Did he show them to you or did you sneak around? Have you spoken to him about it and if so, what did he say? There's a lot of pieces missing here.
I don't know that this fits the traditional definition of "affair", but is sure sounds like a betrayal of sorts. At the very least, sounds to me like he's letting a fantasy go way too far. This sounds terribly unhealthy for your relationship with him.
Please use the Visitor's Comments section below and give me more details.
By Amy:
Hi Victor, my boyfriend and I have been together for one and half year now. There was few months, he could not get a job and always focus on playing the online game. Today, I just found out he is very close to one girl whom he met on the game and they write to each other almost six months now. He calls her "my wife" and name himself as her husband on the email. When he is sad at work, he will write to her also. I feel bad that he is close to her more than me. I know that girl lives in other country, and he always ask her to help him to play the online game so he can get in higher level since he has no time to play now in his email. Should I trust him? Does it mean that he is having affair with other woman now? thanks
VictorM's advice:
How did you read the emails? Did he show them to you or did you sneak around? Have you spoken to him about it and if so, what did he say? There's a lot of pieces missing here.
I don't know that this fits the traditional definition of "affair", but is sure sounds like a betrayal of sorts. At the very least, sounds to me like he's letting a fantasy go way too far. This sounds terribly unhealthy for your relationship with him.
Please use the Visitor's Comments section below and give me more details.
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He is the sweetest, kindest, sensitive man I have ever met
Submitted on Sunday, April 06, 2008
By debi, 49, from conneticut:
I have been going out with this man for about 4 years now. He is the sweetest, kindest, sensitive man I have ever met. The problem is that he is so sensitive, it is hard to give him constructive criticism without him blowing up, becoming defensive, and walking out. I will talk to him once he calms down, but he has much difficulty telling me what bothered him with what I said. I feel part of growth is us being able to discuss our pros and cons. Is there anyway to get him to stop this behavior, it is very painful when he reacts this way. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Your guy seems to jump into child mode when criticized. On rational times he probably understand he's wrong, but when he becomes irrational he loses self control and the little kid in him takes over. That's not an easy pattern to break without professional therapy. You can't just wish it away without understand what's causing it.
I could say you should stop feeling hurt by his reaction, but that's not so easy, is it? Exactly. Maybe you could use some therapy too. I say that because why should you get hurt when you know once he calms down he can talk about things? Yet, it's not so easy.
Expecting him to change his behavior when you can't change yours puts you both on the same boat: when unpleasantness presents itself, you both become little children.
Maybe you can get a discount from a local therapist if you go together.
By debi, 49, from conneticut:
I have been going out with this man for about 4 years now. He is the sweetest, kindest, sensitive man I have ever met. The problem is that he is so sensitive, it is hard to give him constructive criticism without him blowing up, becoming defensive, and walking out. I will talk to him once he calms down, but he has much difficulty telling me what bothered him with what I said. I feel part of growth is us being able to discuss our pros and cons. Is there anyway to get him to stop this behavior, it is very painful when he reacts this way. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Your guy seems to jump into child mode when criticized. On rational times he probably understand he's wrong, but when he becomes irrational he loses self control and the little kid in him takes over. That's not an easy pattern to break without professional therapy. You can't just wish it away without understand what's causing it.
I could say you should stop feeling hurt by his reaction, but that's not so easy, is it? Exactly. Maybe you could use some therapy too. I say that because why should you get hurt when you know once he calms down he can talk about things? Yet, it's not so easy.
Expecting him to change his behavior when you can't change yours puts you both on the same boat: when unpleasantness presents itself, you both become little children.
Maybe you can get a discount from a local therapist if you go together.
He is a bit screwed up
Submitted on Sunday, April 06, 2008
By sharon, 38, from england:
If you can shed light on this Victor, it would be interesting. This is about an ex-boyfriend, but have never been able to work him out. He had not long come out of a relationship of one and a half years when I met him. His relationship ending was traumatic for him I think, as his previous girlfriend had accused him of assaulting her and he had ended up in police custody, but there was no case to answer in the end and the charges were dropped. He didn`t tell me this right away, but he kept talking of the whole situation with the ex on every date. I started to think that this guy was not over his ex. In the three months that we initially seen each other, he never tried to kiss me at all, so eventually I just suspected that he wasn`t attracted to me and I finished the relationship.
By sharon, 38, from england:
If you can shed light on this Victor, it would be interesting. This is about an ex-boyfriend, but have never been able to work him out. He had not long come out of a relationship of one and a half years when I met him. His relationship ending was traumatic for him I think, as his previous girlfriend had accused him of assaulting her and he had ended up in police custody, but there was no case to answer in the end and the charges were dropped. He didn`t tell me this right away, but he kept talking of the whole situation with the ex on every date. I started to think that this guy was not over his ex. In the three months that we initially seen each other, he never tried to kiss me at all, so eventually I just suspected that he wasn`t attracted to me and I finished the relationship.
A few months later I sent a short e-mail to him asking for the name of a bottle of wine he had got in Italy, as I was going on holiday there, and I wanted to get the same wine. There was no hidden agenda on my part, I honestly just wanted to get the name of the wine, and I like the guy as a person. Contact was resumed, and he eventually asked me to go for a drink. We then began seeing each other again. On the third or so date this time, he did kiss me, albeit very briefly, and then put his had on my breast! This man is 45, and there was no finesse involved in the maneuver! It only lasted for a minute, then that was it! We continued to see each other (with no further kissing or boob touching!) and eventually one night we were out in a group of his friends and mine. Towards the end of the night, he was rubbing my leg, and running his finger round the neckline of my top, I thought that he was going to make a move that night, but just before the end of the evening, he made an excuse that he was going to the bathroom, but he wasn't, he basically ran away home! I text him the next day, just asking if everything was alright as he left without saying goodbye, and he didn't reply, so I just left it.
Three weeks later he contacted me again with a funny text message -- he`s a funny guy and uses a lot of humour. I had met someone else by this time (I didn't tell him that tho), as he wasn't asking to see me, just keeping in touch. He continually text me every week until he eventually asked me to go for a drink, and that`s when I told him I wasn't available anymore. He was ok about it. My relationship has since ended, although he doesn't know this.
We are still in touch, and in fact I see him sometimes when out and about. I like him as a person, but think that he is a bit screwed up. When I was seeing him, although he wasn't making any moves on me he would send me text messages saying `want u big time`, he even said to me one night when we were out with my friend and his, that kissing leads to other things, and for all I knew, he may have a really small penis! When my friend and I looked shocked at this, he then said that of course he didn't have a small penis, but he was just saying! It looked like it bothered him that I was seeing someone else as one night when I was out I was talking to a co-worker who is a guy, when my ex passed by and said to my friend `that`s not him is it?` meaning the guy I had told him I was seeing. He sent me a text a few weeks ago asking `fancy some hot sex and a curry`, like I said, he does use a lot of humour.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated, as it's puzzled me for ages, Thanks
VictorM's advice:
My first reaction when I read this submission was that the guy has some sort of sexual hangup. It could be a small penis (or his perception of it), performance related, post-trauma from the sexual assault accusation by the ex, etc. Whatever it is, it prevents him from carrying out any kind of move that would lead to sexual relations.
Now, that doesn't mean he doesn't have sexual desires; in fact, his light kissing you, touching you, clumsily grabbing your boobs, and even sexually suggestive text messages suggest that he does, but something prevents him -- in fact, scares him away -- from sexual activity.
Three weeks later he contacted me again with a funny text message -- he`s a funny guy and uses a lot of humour. I had met someone else by this time (I didn't tell him that tho), as he wasn't asking to see me, just keeping in touch. He continually text me every week until he eventually asked me to go for a drink, and that`s when I told him I wasn't available anymore. He was ok about it. My relationship has since ended, although he doesn't know this.
We are still in touch, and in fact I see him sometimes when out and about. I like him as a person, but think that he is a bit screwed up. When I was seeing him, although he wasn't making any moves on me he would send me text messages saying `want u big time`, he even said to me one night when we were out with my friend and his, that kissing leads to other things, and for all I knew, he may have a really small penis! When my friend and I looked shocked at this, he then said that of course he didn't have a small penis, but he was just saying! It looked like it bothered him that I was seeing someone else as one night when I was out I was talking to a co-worker who is a guy, when my ex passed by and said to my friend `that`s not him is it?` meaning the guy I had told him I was seeing. He sent me a text a few weeks ago asking `fancy some hot sex and a curry`, like I said, he does use a lot of humour.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated, as it's puzzled me for ages, Thanks
VictorM's advice:
My first reaction when I read this submission was that the guy has some sort of sexual hangup. It could be a small penis (or his perception of it), performance related, post-trauma from the sexual assault accusation by the ex, etc. Whatever it is, it prevents him from carrying out any kind of move that would lead to sexual relations.
Now, that doesn't mean he doesn't have sexual desires; in fact, his light kissing you, touching you, clumsily grabbing your boobs, and even sexually suggestive text messages suggest that he does, but something prevents him -- in fact, scares him away -- from sexual activity.
Why does he call me instead of just texting?
Submitted on Sunday, April 06, 2008
By Michelle, 21, from California:
My ex and I have been apart for almost 2 months now. He's with an ex from years ago. Why does he call me instead of just texting or emailing me? Like, when I send him FYI texts a couple times, he calls when it would make more sense (at least to me) if he just replied in a text message. Today he called me twice. I missed both calls because I was at work. The calls were about 2 hours apart. He never left a voice message. What's going on?
VictorM's advice:
Seems to me it's just a personal preference.
Guys generally have bigger fingers and typing on the tiny phone keyboards can be a hassle. And if his phone doesn't have a keypad, forget it, it's a real nightmare. Emailing requires him to be by a computer, which may not always be the case. Really, the phone is just a good communication tool. Plus, he gets to hear your sexy voice. An additional perk, I'm sure. :-p
By Michelle, 21, from California:
My ex and I have been apart for almost 2 months now. He's with an ex from years ago. Why does he call me instead of just texting or emailing me? Like, when I send him FYI texts a couple times, he calls when it would make more sense (at least to me) if he just replied in a text message. Today he called me twice. I missed both calls because I was at work. The calls were about 2 hours apart. He never left a voice message. What's going on?
VictorM's advice:
Seems to me it's just a personal preference.
Guys generally have bigger fingers and typing on the tiny phone keyboards can be a hassle. And if his phone doesn't have a keypad, forget it, it's a real nightmare. Emailing requires him to be by a computer, which may not always be the case. Really, the phone is just a good communication tool. Plus, he gets to hear your sexy voice. An additional perk, I'm sure. :-p
My perfect boyfriend was perfect in the beginning
Submitted on Saturday, April 05, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
I don't know what to do anymore. My perfect boyfriend was perfect in the beginning. Now he drives me crazy. I have never met a moodier guy in my life. When things are good and he is happy, we have an amazing relationship. As soon as he gets upset because someone was rude to him it's so frustrating. He is so emotional that he can't even put a smile on his face when he comes to see me for a bit. As soon as there is something wrong with this guy, he talks to me like I am a distant cousin. (Hi, how are you, good etc.) It's getting on my nerves. Whenever I talk to him about it, the conversation turns into one of those horrible big fights where we almost break up. He doesn't soak in what I have to say and acts like the fight is my fault. His excuse is always either: "I told you you wouldn't want to date me" or "you're making me feel like I treat you like shit". When we started dating the first time (before we broke up) he would be so sweet, and say the most amazing things and treat me so good. Now he is so comfortable that when I try to say something sweet he doesn't answer me. I feel like he's taking advantage of my feelings for him, and he doesn't think I will leave. I want to make him scared to lose me. Because right now I don't feel like he even cares enough. When I told him that I feel he doesn't care enough he said "we had sex.. doesn't that mean anything?" The fights always get dropped and nothing gets resolved. I want him to appreciate me. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, I have one suggestion: STOP THINKING LIKE A GIRL! :-p
Well, I'm sorta joking but not really. See, your boyfriend has a way of dealing with issues that bother him in a way that's different than how you would deal with them. Guys generally don't blab about their problems and tend to internalize them, making it difficult to project happiness when they're upset about something.
Your boyfriend, frankly seems quite normal. It's your perception of him as "perfect" that's screwed up. You really ought to let go of that impression and get used to the real human instead of a fantasy-laden memory.
Start by not taking his reaction to being upset personally. Recognize that when he's upset, he's not going to smile or talk a lot. Give him space when he feels this way. Either avoid him or allow his moodiness without getting into a fight. You don't have to say much. Guys don't expect much feedback. And guys usually get over such moods rather quickly.
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
I don't know what to do anymore. My perfect boyfriend was perfect in the beginning. Now he drives me crazy. I have never met a moodier guy in my life. When things are good and he is happy, we have an amazing relationship. As soon as he gets upset because someone was rude to him it's so frustrating. He is so emotional that he can't even put a smile on his face when he comes to see me for a bit. As soon as there is something wrong with this guy, he talks to me like I am a distant cousin. (Hi, how are you, good etc.) It's getting on my nerves. Whenever I talk to him about it, the conversation turns into one of those horrible big fights where we almost break up. He doesn't soak in what I have to say and acts like the fight is my fault. His excuse is always either: "I told you you wouldn't want to date me" or "you're making me feel like I treat you like shit". When we started dating the first time (before we broke up) he would be so sweet, and say the most amazing things and treat me so good. Now he is so comfortable that when I try to say something sweet he doesn't answer me. I feel like he's taking advantage of my feelings for him, and he doesn't think I will leave. I want to make him scared to lose me. Because right now I don't feel like he even cares enough. When I told him that I feel he doesn't care enough he said "we had sex.. doesn't that mean anything?" The fights always get dropped and nothing gets resolved. I want him to appreciate me. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, I have one suggestion: STOP THINKING LIKE A GIRL! :-p
Well, I'm sorta joking but not really. See, your boyfriend has a way of dealing with issues that bother him in a way that's different than how you would deal with them. Guys generally don't blab about their problems and tend to internalize them, making it difficult to project happiness when they're upset about something.
Your boyfriend, frankly seems quite normal. It's your perception of him as "perfect" that's screwed up. You really ought to let go of that impression and get used to the real human instead of a fantasy-laden memory.
Start by not taking his reaction to being upset personally. Recognize that when he's upset, he's not going to smile or talk a lot. Give him space when he feels this way. Either avoid him or allow his moodiness without getting into a fight. You don't have to say much. Guys don't expect much feedback. And guys usually get over such moods rather quickly.
Monday, April 07, 2008
I have made a total mess of my life
Submitted on Friday, April 04, 2008
By mel, 45, from Wales Uk:
Hi victor. I have made a total mess of my life. I am unable to form lasting relationships. Married at 21/divorced at 26/ more than a few messy relationships after that. I just always went for the bad boys. I couldn't relate to successful, genuine guys. I think I'm lacking in confidence in myself, not in my physical appearance.......
Then 6 years ago I moved to the UK. A whole new start. I was able to leave the past behind. Since then I have only dated men that are different to the type of men I dated when I was younger. But it never works out for me, they always break up with me. Then I will not date for months. I have had 4 of these failed relationships in 6 years. I think I might be subconsciously sabotaging these relationships.
Anyway the last guy, a few years older, non drinker, successful. I behaved, didn't sleep with him for a while, didn't even like him that much at first.......but he really grew on me ....we spent weekends together, he texted and called me almost every day. Then suddenly he stopped and after about 10 days broke up with me by text. Can you believe that? Said much as he liked me wasn't falling in love with me, so we should be free to find people to fall in love with......
I never mentioned the L word at any stage while I was seeing him, never ran after him, basically played by the rules....but I am still failing....also I don't talk about my past much, ....just that I'm divorced, and it didn't work out. What am I doing wrong from a man's point of view?
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, Mel, the only thing that I think is wrong is how you view yourself and how things have turned out. You're viewing each relationship that hasn't worked out as failure. Considering how difficult it is to find a good mate, and how often people get stuck with mates they despise, I would say that ending relationships with "bad boys" are actually successes, not failures.
Then one "good guy" made a choice to move on. Again, this is hardly a failure on your part because you're not responsible for any man's behavior, only for your own. The question you have to ask yourself is: did you behave with him in an honest way? If so, well, then you did right. Not everything in our lives work right when we do right, but such is life. Ultimately, you "won" because he didn't waste your time with false promises.
You just have to keep trying, that's all. Yes, many women have found partners and are happy, but many have partners and are unhappy. You've just been blessed to not get stuck in the unhappy mode with some jerk. Lucky you.
By mel, 45, from Wales Uk:
Hi victor. I have made a total mess of my life. I am unable to form lasting relationships. Married at 21/divorced at 26/ more than a few messy relationships after that. I just always went for the bad boys. I couldn't relate to successful, genuine guys. I think I'm lacking in confidence in myself, not in my physical appearance.......
Then 6 years ago I moved to the UK. A whole new start. I was able to leave the past behind. Since then I have only dated men that are different to the type of men I dated when I was younger. But it never works out for me, they always break up with me. Then I will not date for months. I have had 4 of these failed relationships in 6 years. I think I might be subconsciously sabotaging these relationships.
Anyway the last guy, a few years older, non drinker, successful. I behaved, didn't sleep with him for a while, didn't even like him that much at first.......but he really grew on me ....we spent weekends together, he texted and called me almost every day. Then suddenly he stopped and after about 10 days broke up with me by text. Can you believe that? Said much as he liked me wasn't falling in love with me, so we should be free to find people to fall in love with......
I never mentioned the L word at any stage while I was seeing him, never ran after him, basically played by the rules....but I am still failing....also I don't talk about my past much, ....just that I'm divorced, and it didn't work out. What am I doing wrong from a man's point of view?
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, Mel, the only thing that I think is wrong is how you view yourself and how things have turned out. You're viewing each relationship that hasn't worked out as failure. Considering how difficult it is to find a good mate, and how often people get stuck with mates they despise, I would say that ending relationships with "bad boys" are actually successes, not failures.
Then one "good guy" made a choice to move on. Again, this is hardly a failure on your part because you're not responsible for any man's behavior, only for your own. The question you have to ask yourself is: did you behave with him in an honest way? If so, well, then you did right. Not everything in our lives work right when we do right, but such is life. Ultimately, you "won" because he didn't waste your time with false promises.
You just have to keep trying, that's all. Yes, many women have found partners and are happy, but many have partners and are unhappy. You've just been blessed to not get stuck in the unhappy mode with some jerk. Lucky you.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
I want to have curves
Submitted on Friday, April 04, 2008 By annonymous, 12, from annonymous:
I am a 12 years old and I really need your help. I want to have curves. I now weight about 120 pounds. I want to be fair too.
VictorM's advice:
*Takes out magic wand*...
abracabadra... labratatar...
make annonumous shapely like a guitar
but... you'll have to wait till you're older. I set my spell for you to start getting your curves in about 2 years. Meanwhile... eat more vegetables and fruit, fewer candies and ice cream, and exercise!
I am a 12 years old and I really need your help. I want to have curves. I now weight about 120 pounds. I want to be fair too.
VictorM's advice:
*Takes out magic wand*...
abracabadra... labratatar...
make annonumous shapely like a guitar
but... you'll have to wait till you're older. I set my spell for you to start getting your curves in about 2 years. Meanwhile... eat more vegetables and fruit, fewer candies and ice cream, and exercise!
Saturday, April 05, 2008
I think my bro really likes you
Submitted on Friday, April 04, 2008
By LAURA, 24, from PALM SPRINGS, CA:
My friend and I both work in the same building but different departments, and so does her brother. Well, her brother recently started telling her that he wanted to get to know me and he wants me to stop and say hi to him every time I see him. Well, he's always flirting and he tells me that we should hang out some time. He asks my friend about me all the time. She always mentioned "hey I think my bro really likes you." Well, this has been going on with him for about a month and I still haven't gone on a real date. I mean we've hung out with his sister and family but not alone yet. He mentioned we should go see a movie this weekend, but I'm not sure if it's going to happen. Is he intimidated or whats going on? thanks
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like he's intimidated. He's just moving at a pace that suits him. Some guys just like the journey more than the destination. He's just moving slowly so he can enjoy the process. He needs a sense of accomplishment, of seducing you, of sweeping you off your feet. And that takes time. So don't be too accommodating. Make the guy work for your attention... for his own good.
By LAURA, 24, from PALM SPRINGS, CA:
My friend and I both work in the same building but different departments, and so does her brother. Well, her brother recently started telling her that he wanted to get to know me and he wants me to stop and say hi to him every time I see him. Well, he's always flirting and he tells me that we should hang out some time. He asks my friend about me all the time. She always mentioned "hey I think my bro really likes you." Well, this has been going on with him for about a month and I still haven't gone on a real date. I mean we've hung out with his sister and family but not alone yet. He mentioned we should go see a movie this weekend, but I'm not sure if it's going to happen. Is he intimidated or whats going on? thanks
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like he's intimidated. He's just moving at a pace that suits him. Some guys just like the journey more than the destination. He's just moving slowly so he can enjoy the process. He needs a sense of accomplishment, of seducing you, of sweeping you off your feet. And that takes time. So don't be too accommodating. Make the guy work for your attention... for his own good.
He dropped from the planet
Submitted on Friday, April 04, 2008
By Love Bitten, 24, from San Diego:
So almost a year ago I went to a cultural event which I attend every year. I ran into one of my oldest brothers friends with whom I had my first crush on. Considering the time in which passed and our age difference, I found myself now able to exchange numbers with him. He is 27 and I am now 24 where as before I was 15 and he was 18. Anyways my friend who was at this event basically blocked any advance that night with him and ended demanding we leave and have a little of a blow out with him. 3 weeks passed and he texted me to see what was going on, it happened to be his birthday. He came and met up with me and my friends as well as one of his friends(which went to school with my other older brother) That night I asked him if he had a gf and he replied with "your brother and brother's little sister im not going to play games with you." We ended up hooking up that night. We went strong for a few weeks and that out of no where he dropped from the planet. This has been his pattern for the last year. I see him and then dont hear from him for a good month, ill text him but get no responses and suddenly after time he comes around with some sort of excuse (being out of town, fighting with his family.....). The funniest thing of all is he calls me a stranger when he is the one avoiding me. My question is why does he keep coming back? And if me being my brother's little sister why is he playing this game? I see a brighter light in him and find his glow amazing but at the same time I can't figure this guy out. PLEASE HELP
VictorM's advice:
"I see a brighter light in him and find his glow amazing..." oh brother... *rolls eyes*
OK, he comes back from time to time because guys love, love, love... (did I say LOVE enough times?) the company of a girl that they know, or think, likes them more then they like her. It's a great boost for their ego and it's relaxing because they don't have to impress her; she comes self-impressed already (doubt me? Refer to the "brighter light" and the "amazing glow"comment above).
His coming back from time to time is no reflection of any feelings towards you; he just comes back to recharge his ego.
(Monica: this answer applies to you too).
By Love Bitten, 24, from San Diego:
So almost a year ago I went to a cultural event which I attend every year. I ran into one of my oldest brothers friends with whom I had my first crush on. Considering the time in which passed and our age difference, I found myself now able to exchange numbers with him. He is 27 and I am now 24 where as before I was 15 and he was 18. Anyways my friend who was at this event basically blocked any advance that night with him and ended demanding we leave and have a little of a blow out with him. 3 weeks passed and he texted me to see what was going on, it happened to be his birthday. He came and met up with me and my friends as well as one of his friends(which went to school with my other older brother) That night I asked him if he had a gf and he replied with "your brother and brother's little sister im not going to play games with you." We ended up hooking up that night. We went strong for a few weeks and that out of no where he dropped from the planet. This has been his pattern for the last year. I see him and then dont hear from him for a good month, ill text him but get no responses and suddenly after time he comes around with some sort of excuse (being out of town, fighting with his family.....). The funniest thing of all is he calls me a stranger when he is the one avoiding me. My question is why does he keep coming back? And if me being my brother's little sister why is he playing this game? I see a brighter light in him and find his glow amazing but at the same time I can't figure this guy out. PLEASE HELP
VictorM's advice:
"I see a brighter light in him and find his glow amazing..." oh brother... *rolls eyes*
OK, he comes back from time to time because guys love, love, love... (did I say LOVE enough times?) the company of a girl that they know, or think, likes them more then they like her. It's a great boost for their ego and it's relaxing because they don't have to impress her; she comes self-impressed already (doubt me? Refer to the "brighter light" and the "amazing glow"comment above).
His coming back from time to time is no reflection of any feelings towards you; he just comes back to recharge his ego.
(Monica: this answer applies to you too).
Why not just ignore me at all or lie?
Submitted on Friday, April 04, 2008
By pepina, 31, from new york:
I met a guy online. We emailed for 3 months before meeting up. The date was great and he suggested to go out for dinner sometime. I sent him a "thanks for the evening" text the following day to which he replied he also had a great time and will be in touch next week.
Since then he has initiated contact 4 times, texting, emailing and chatting to me, saying he is looking forward to seeing me again and asking me when I am free to go out with him. He is travelling a lot and said he was on business travel during this time. The last message I got was after we chatted saying he would call at the weekend to arrange a day and time to meet. He never called. I finally sent him a text 10 days later asking if he is ok and if he wants to go out sometime, he replied straight away, saying yes he'd love to see me! So I texted him back to suggest a day, but he didn't get back to me. That was a week ago and the suggested days have past.
I will move on, but I am curious why a guy would do this? Why not just ignore me at all or lie and say "I am away for the next 3 weeks", if I dont want to see the person again. Why initiate contact and then dont respond? Any thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth, which is that he's not interested in you any more. He's just hoping you get that hint so he doesn't have to say it straight to your face. Telling you that he'll be away for 3 weeks would not accomplish that.
So, basically, he's just being cowardly but in his mind, he means well.
By pepina, 31, from new york:
I met a guy online. We emailed for 3 months before meeting up. The date was great and he suggested to go out for dinner sometime. I sent him a "thanks for the evening" text the following day to which he replied he also had a great time and will be in touch next week.
Since then he has initiated contact 4 times, texting, emailing and chatting to me, saying he is looking forward to seeing me again and asking me when I am free to go out with him. He is travelling a lot and said he was on business travel during this time. The last message I got was after we chatted saying he would call at the weekend to arrange a day and time to meet. He never called. I finally sent him a text 10 days later asking if he is ok and if he wants to go out sometime, he replied straight away, saying yes he'd love to see me! So I texted him back to suggest a day, but he didn't get back to me. That was a week ago and the suggested days have past.
I will move on, but I am curious why a guy would do this? Why not just ignore me at all or lie and say "I am away for the next 3 weeks", if I dont want to see the person again. Why initiate contact and then dont respond? Any thoughts?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth, which is that he's not interested in you any more. He's just hoping you get that hint so he doesn't have to say it straight to your face. Telling you that he'll be away for 3 weeks would not accomplish that.
So, basically, he's just being cowardly but in his mind, he means well.
Friend with benefits falling in love?
Submitted on Friday, April 04, 2008
By lala, 27, from new jersey:
How can you tell if the guy thats your friend with benefits is falling in love with you?
VictorM's advice:
Such a thing happening would be defying the odds. The probability is that such a guy is not going to fall in love with a girl such as yourself.
First, you obviously knew each other well enough before getting into this deal, so the bar was set low enough to begin with as far as his thoughts about you are concerned. Second, even if he feels something for you, chances are he would avoid getting serious with you because guys generally don't want to get serious with a girl who fucks around (and believe me, in his mind, no matter how much he denies it if you ask, that is what you are).
But hey, there's always the chance of a fairy tale ending. So... in the spirit of the glass is half full, you'll know he's in love with you when you kiss him and he turns into a prince.
By lala, 27, from new jersey:
How can you tell if the guy thats your friend with benefits is falling in love with you?
VictorM's advice:
Such a thing happening would be defying the odds. The probability is that such a guy is not going to fall in love with a girl such as yourself.
First, you obviously knew each other well enough before getting into this deal, so the bar was set low enough to begin with as far as his thoughts about you are concerned. Second, even if he feels something for you, chances are he would avoid getting serious with you because guys generally don't want to get serious with a girl who fucks around (and believe me, in his mind, no matter how much he denies it if you ask, that is what you are).
But hey, there's always the chance of a fairy tale ending. So... in the spirit of the glass is half full, you'll know he's in love with you when you kiss him and he turns into a prince.
I care and value him
Submitted on Thursday, April 03, 2008
By Alexandra, 21, from Florida:
Dear Victor,
I messaged my guy friend saying Happy Birthday and he did not reply. He has been giving me little contact and disappeared for 1 month now. He used to tell me how nervous he is about not getting into medical school and not doing well in classes and standardized tests. I did very well on my MCAT and he knows my score. Is it likely that he became indifferent toward me because he needs to concentrate or is it more likely that he just doesn’t want to see me anymore? I care and value him (plus I want to kiss him) but perhaps he doesn’t feel the same way. I think I’ve shown him enough interest and I don’t want to be a nuisance. What should I do?
Submitted later on Thursday, April 03, 2008
My friend finally contacted me. I'm very happy he contacted and I'm emailing him back to thank him. Is it true that men need to feel needed? He hasn't contacted me for such a long time! I want to see him again before summer (ie 5/2/08). What should I do next?
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance that your friend really is busy, but I don't think that's the reason he didn't get back to you sooner. Maybe he has a girlfriend (have you considered that?) In any case, continue to contact him until you have reason not to. Why not schedule a lunch meeting?
A guy likes being around a girl if he feels good about himself when he's around her. If your guy is intimated by your scores or your looks, being around you may not be so pleasant for him. In any case, make him feel smart, funny, and sexy around you and he'll want your company, otherwise, he'll be "busy."
By Alexandra, 21, from Florida:
Dear Victor,
I messaged my guy friend saying Happy Birthday and he did not reply. He has been giving me little contact and disappeared for 1 month now. He used to tell me how nervous he is about not getting into medical school and not doing well in classes and standardized tests. I did very well on my MCAT and he knows my score. Is it likely that he became indifferent toward me because he needs to concentrate or is it more likely that he just doesn’t want to see me anymore? I care and value him (plus I want to kiss him) but perhaps he doesn’t feel the same way. I think I’ve shown him enough interest and I don’t want to be a nuisance. What should I do?
Submitted later on Thursday, April 03, 2008
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance that your friend really is busy, but I don't think that's the reason he didn't get back to you sooner. Maybe he has a girlfriend (have you considered that?) In any case, continue to contact him until you have reason not to. Why not schedule a lunch meeting?
A guy likes being around a girl if he feels good about himself when he's around her. If your guy is intimated by your scores or your looks, being around you may not be so pleasant for him. In any case, make him feel smart, funny, and sexy around you and he'll want your company, otherwise, he'll be "busy."
Friday, April 04, 2008
I want us to be more than friends with benfits
Submitted on Wednesday, April 02, 2008
By smoochez, 16, from alexandria va:
I've been hooking up with the same guy for almost 10 months now. I know he cares about me but I want us to be more than friends with benefits. He's my first love and I really wanna make this work.
VictorM's advice:
If you want more than friends with benefits you have to be willing to lose that friendship. Cease the benefits and make your intentions clear. There's a good chance he'll want nothing to do with you, but if you're not willing to take that risk, nothing will change.
By smoochez, 16, from alexandria va:
I've been hooking up with the same guy for almost 10 months now. I know he cares about me but I want us to be more than friends with benefits. He's my first love and I really wanna make this work.
VictorM's advice:
If you want more than friends with benefits you have to be willing to lose that friendship. Cease the benefits and make your intentions clear. There's a good chance he'll want nothing to do with you, but if you're not willing to take that risk, nothing will change.
Giving up on a relationship
Submitted on Wednesday, April 02, 2008
By Erin:
Is it right to finally give up on a relationship if you still love the person? What is it that you can tell yourself to help you through losing your best friend, even though it's the last thing you want?
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes we have to recognize that a particular relationship, for a variety of reasons, is wrong for us and we need to move on. It's not easy, for sure, but it's an act of courage.
Losing a best friend is part of life. Very few people make it thought life without it happening. It certainly is no more difficult than a loved one dying, and yet people find ways to cope. So will you.
If you're finding it too difficult to get over losing that friendship, you must realize that it's not because your friend is so great; it's because you lack a variety of friends and a balanced life style. Sure, a sense or mourning is natural, even healthy, but this is a good time to cultivate new friends, take on new challenges at work, develop a new hobby, pursue new interests. In short: it's time for you to grow and become a more complete person so that you don't have to rely so much on others.
By Erin:
Is it right to finally give up on a relationship if you still love the person? What is it that you can tell yourself to help you through losing your best friend, even though it's the last thing you want?
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes we have to recognize that a particular relationship, for a variety of reasons, is wrong for us and we need to move on. It's not easy, for sure, but it's an act of courage.
Losing a best friend is part of life. Very few people make it thought life without it happening. It certainly is no more difficult than a loved one dying, and yet people find ways to cope. So will you.
If you're finding it too difficult to get over losing that friendship, you must realize that it's not because your friend is so great; it's because you lack a variety of friends and a balanced life style. Sure, a sense or mourning is natural, even healthy, but this is a good time to cultivate new friends, take on new challenges at work, develop a new hobby, pursue new interests. In short: it's time for you to grow and become a more complete person so that you don't have to rely so much on others.
Message for Monica
Go here. I posted your latest submission and my reply there.
We were always there for each other
Submitted on Tuesday, April 01, 2008
By Laura, 30, from Virginia:
I've known this guy for years and it was known that we liked each other. We went out for a while. We were always there for each other. I haven't heard from him lately. I mean he called and wanted to meet up with me, but I had plans and I told him that. That's when this started. He called me the other night just to ask how I was. It was like he wanted to say something to me but he didn't know how. How do I let him know that I miss him and want to get things back on track with our friendship?
VictorM's advice:
How about saying this to him: "I miss you and would like to get our friendship back on track"?
You know, Laura, sometimes life is not THAT difficult.
By Laura, 30, from Virginia:
I've known this guy for years and it was known that we liked each other. We went out for a while. We were always there for each other. I haven't heard from him lately. I mean he called and wanted to meet up with me, but I had plans and I told him that. That's when this started. He called me the other night just to ask how I was. It was like he wanted to say something to me but he didn't know how. How do I let him know that I miss him and want to get things back on track with our friendship?
VictorM's advice:
How about saying this to him: "I miss you and would like to get our friendship back on track"?
You know, Laura, sometimes life is not THAT difficult.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Down the same messy path
Submitted on Monday, March 31, 2008
By Queen Elizabeth the 8th, 23:
Hi Victor.
I'll try to be as quick as possible.
If an ex-boyfriend says he's only interested in friendship, would he still flirt with me? Would he still talk to me a lot, and even make comments such as "are you going to be naked in my bed when I get home tonight?" or "fine, go hang out with Kyle, you whore!" (then of course he says he's just joking.) Or "I didn't get a "goodnight" message from you last night when I got home! I cried." (joking again.) Would he tell me he still has some PRIVATE pictures of me on his phone?! I mean, that's kinda f*ed up. That he could keep these pictures after a messy break up and be able to look at them and enjoy them without being with me. Am I right?! I feel like a Playboy girl. Yuck. I really can't tell if he's joking. He won't let me look at his phone to see if they're on there or if he deleted them.
Is it really possible for 2 people that were friends BEFORE they were lovers, then together for a year, have messy break ups, lots of tears, etc., but then be great friends 3 months later? I'm definitely his closest "girl" friend.
Are there any TRUE clues I can look for to know if it's strictly platonic in his eyes or if I'm headed down the same messy path?
VictorM's advice:
Returning to normal friendship after having been lovers is like putting toothpaste back in the tube -- it can't be done. Your ex's "just kidding" comments will continue and will most likely escalate. If you get a new boyfriend, your ex will become unbearable. My advice: keep a safe distance and forget any ideas that you can be friends with him. Nothing about his attitude towards you will ever be just platonic.
You think he would have gotten rid of your revealing pictures? You clearly have no idea how guys think. I would not be surprised at all if he kept the pictures. You'd be very lucky if he hasn't shown them around to his pals (guys love to brag). Just hope they don't wind up in one of many porn sites where disgruntled boyfriends post pictures of exes. I don't want to scare you; I just hope you consider these things next time you decide to play Pamela Anderson.
By Queen Elizabeth the 8th, 23:
Hi Victor.
I'll try to be as quick as possible.
If an ex-boyfriend says he's only interested in friendship, would he still flirt with me? Would he still talk to me a lot, and even make comments such as "are you going to be naked in my bed when I get home tonight?" or "fine, go hang out with Kyle, you whore!" (then of course he says he's just joking.) Or "I didn't get a "goodnight" message from you last night when I got home! I cried." (joking again.) Would he tell me he still has some PRIVATE pictures of me on his phone?! I mean, that's kinda f*ed up. That he could keep these pictures after a messy break up and be able to look at them and enjoy them without being with me. Am I right?! I feel like a Playboy girl. Yuck. I really can't tell if he's joking. He won't let me look at his phone to see if they're on there or if he deleted them.
Is it really possible for 2 people that were friends BEFORE they were lovers, then together for a year, have messy break ups, lots of tears, etc., but then be great friends 3 months later? I'm definitely his closest "girl" friend.
Are there any TRUE clues I can look for to know if it's strictly platonic in his eyes or if I'm headed down the same messy path?
VictorM's advice:
Returning to normal friendship after having been lovers is like putting toothpaste back in the tube -- it can't be done. Your ex's "just kidding" comments will continue and will most likely escalate. If you get a new boyfriend, your ex will become unbearable. My advice: keep a safe distance and forget any ideas that you can be friends with him. Nothing about his attitude towards you will ever be just platonic.
You think he would have gotten rid of your revealing pictures? You clearly have no idea how guys think. I would not be surprised at all if he kept the pictures. You'd be very lucky if he hasn't shown them around to his pals (guys love to brag). Just hope they don't wind up in one of many porn sites where disgruntled boyfriends post pictures of exes. I don't want to scare you; I just hope you consider these things next time you decide to play Pamela Anderson.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Message to Esmeralda
You question sounds very familiar to one I answered back on February 17 from "Anita", who was also 21 and from Portugal. Check it out here.
It's like he's still mad at me
Submitted on Monday, March 31, 2008
By Jessi, 18, from Akron:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, it will be going on three here shortly. After only a week of dating he told me that he was upset that I was hanging out with his friend Kyle so much. And that he thought Kyle liked me and it made him nervous. I was irritated that he didn't trust me and I told him that we were just friends and that he needed to trust me. He said ok, then shortly after we had been together for a month he told me that a few friends have said things but he doubted me for a second and then he got over it. And just recently we went to a party together and he said something mean so I "broke up with him." I thought he knew I was kidding because he was laughing and saying the same thing back to me. I was dancing with one of my guy friends, just having fun. The next day my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He told me that he was mad at me because I was dancing with the other guy and that he was mad becasue we "broke up". I then realized he didn't know the previous night I was kidding. We got into this big argument. And it irritates me that this is the 3rd time he hasn't trusted me and I've never given him reason not to in almost 3 months. I have thought about telling him I need a break just to think about things but I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way like were breaking up. But in a way I think we should. I haven't said that to him, but right now things are weird between us. It's like he's still mad at me, he won't hold my hand and he won't kiss me anymore. What should I do??
VictorM's advice:
Look, if this guy irritates you this much in such a short period of time and now he's sulking like a 12 year old, break up with him but stop with this "taking a break" nonsense! It doesn't sound like either one of you is ready for a relationship yet anyway.
By Jessi, 18, from Akron:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, it will be going on three here shortly. After only a week of dating he told me that he was upset that I was hanging out with his friend Kyle so much. And that he thought Kyle liked me and it made him nervous. I was irritated that he didn't trust me and I told him that we were just friends and that he needed to trust me. He said ok, then shortly after we had been together for a month he told me that a few friends have said things but he doubted me for a second and then he got over it. And just recently we went to a party together and he said something mean so I "broke up with him." I thought he knew I was kidding because he was laughing and saying the same thing back to me. I was dancing with one of my guy friends, just having fun. The next day my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He told me that he was mad at me because I was dancing with the other guy and that he was mad becasue we "broke up". I then realized he didn't know the previous night I was kidding. We got into this big argument. And it irritates me that this is the 3rd time he hasn't trusted me and I've never given him reason not to in almost 3 months. I have thought about telling him I need a break just to think about things but I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way like were breaking up. But in a way I think we should. I haven't said that to him, but right now things are weird between us. It's like he's still mad at me, he won't hold my hand and he won't kiss me anymore. What should I do??
VictorM's advice:
Look, if this guy irritates you this much in such a short period of time and now he's sulking like a 12 year old, break up with him but stop with this "taking a break" nonsense! It doesn't sound like either one of you is ready for a relationship yet anyway.
An old fool who got played by a cocky youngster
Submitted on Monday, March 31, 2008
By chick, 41, from alaska:
I know a guy professionally, and live in different cities. I may see him about once a year during an event and this year, he really put the moves on. I have always thought he was cute, but young, and found out he's older than I thought (26). Still young tho. So, I cracked the door and we ended up going out one night and getting pretty frisky. Really frisky. During the course of the evening, he told me lots of details about lunch the year before and how I spilled my water, and other details that I had forgotten. I know a lot about him and he is a good guy who has his priorities and values in the right place.
So, since that night, we talked on the phone once and he asked me out for the following week when he would be back here. He didn't call.
I'm finalizing my divorce and this is the first date/encounter I've had in a year and a half after a 7 year marriage. I am pretty crushed and confused.
I thought he was for real, but now I don't know if he is who I thought he was. I definitely feel like an old fool who got played by a cocky youngster. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Welcome to the real world of singles in 2008.
I don't think you got played. It sounds to me like you two just simply have different expectations. He's thinking fun and no attachment and you're not, judging by you being crushed.
As I see it, you caught the attention of a younger man and you seduced him. That's a positive for you; it means you still have game. Now, if what you want is a serious relationship, wait till you get divorced, and date guys with similar interests and life experiences.
Oh, and get used to the idea that when a guy says he'll call, he means he might or might not call.
By chick, 41, from alaska:
I know a guy professionally, and live in different cities. I may see him about once a year during an event and this year, he really put the moves on. I have always thought he was cute, but young, and found out he's older than I thought (26). Still young tho. So, I cracked the door and we ended up going out one night and getting pretty frisky. Really frisky. During the course of the evening, he told me lots of details about lunch the year before and how I spilled my water, and other details that I had forgotten. I know a lot about him and he is a good guy who has his priorities and values in the right place.
So, since that night, we talked on the phone once and he asked me out for the following week when he would be back here. He didn't call.
I'm finalizing my divorce and this is the first date/encounter I've had in a year and a half after a 7 year marriage. I am pretty crushed and confused.
I thought he was for real, but now I don't know if he is who I thought he was. I definitely feel like an old fool who got played by a cocky youngster. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Welcome to the real world of singles in 2008.
I don't think you got played. It sounds to me like you two just simply have different expectations. He's thinking fun and no attachment and you're not, judging by you being crushed.
As I see it, you caught the attention of a younger man and you seduced him. That's a positive for you; it means you still have game. Now, if what you want is a serious relationship, wait till you get divorced, and date guys with similar interests and life experiences.
Oh, and get used to the idea that when a guy says he'll call, he means he might or might not call.
I am getting married to my boyfriend
Submitted on Monday, March 31, 2008
By A, 25, from in:
I am getting married to my boyfriend. He's like a decent nice guy. But he hardly talks to me anymore. Doesn't have 5 minutes in a day because he's drinking beer with his friends. I have told him it hurts/ reasoned/threatened/cried, and talked reasonably again. His behavior might change for 1/2 days and then he's back to his old self.
Is this just because he's a guy, and guys generaly enjoy friends more etc,etc... or is spending 5-10 minutes only on the phone with your girlfriend normal?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not because he's a guy. He does it because he can and you put up with it. Oh, sure, you cry and complain, but so what? You're still willing to marry him, aren't you?
He's not ready for marriage and you need your head examined if you're still considering marrying this guy.
By A, 25, from in:
I am getting married to my boyfriend. He's like a decent nice guy. But he hardly talks to me anymore. Doesn't have 5 minutes in a day because he's drinking beer with his friends. I have told him it hurts/ reasoned/threatened/cried, and talked reasonably again. His behavior might change for 1/2 days and then he's back to his old self.
Is this just because he's a guy, and guys generaly enjoy friends more etc,etc... or is spending 5-10 minutes only on the phone with your girlfriend normal?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not because he's a guy. He does it because he can and you put up with it. Oh, sure, you cry and complain, but so what? You're still willing to marry him, aren't you?
He's not ready for marriage and you need your head examined if you're still considering marrying this guy.
I thought the problem was the weed
Submitted on Sunday, March 30, 2008
By Abrielle, 20, from Wisconsin, USA:
So my boyfriend quit smoking pot for me for a year, but now, due to feeling depressed, he's started again. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with being high all the time. He says he quit because of his love for me, but now he thinks we shouldn't have to change ourselves for each other. He tried to break up with me once, but came back the next day and cried and told me how much he loves me. We've been fine for 3 weeks, but now he says that he's confused and doesn't know if we should stay together (oh, but he loves me.)
I thought the problem was the weed, but really I think it's his depression. He keeps saying he's 'frustrated' with his life, even though he has everything he could want (3 video game systems, 2 tvs, psp, tons of games, movies, he makes good money and is about to get a promotion, I make him dinner every night and do his laundry and dishes.) He comes home from work really angry and wants to just scream or hit the wall or something (never me, don't worry) and says he's just crabby and frustrated and basically won't talk to me. His solution for this feeling is smoking pot. I can't get him to go to a doctor, and to add to the problem, his entire family smokes pot and encourages him doing it.
Problem is, I love him more than I coul ever imagine loving someone, even though I'm young. I have no idea what to do to help him without nagging him or trying to control him. HELP.
VictorM's advice:
You say you love him more than you can imagine. I say you need to work on your imagination.
Come on, how fucked up must a guy be for you to recognize he's wrong for you no matter your feelings for him? Let's see: he only stopped smoking weed because of you, not because he recognized his smoking was a problem; after he does he gets depressed; he hates his job; can't communicate his frustrations without getting violent; won't seek professional help to deal with his problems; and has a family that encourages smoking pot.
You can't help him because: a) he doesn't want the help and you can't help those who don't want to help themselves; b) you're not a professional therapist and this guy needs more help than you're qualified to deal with; and c) if you can't help yourself (by leaving this fountain of unhappiness) you can't help him either.
Now, even if you're too weak to do something about it for yourself, let me ask you: what kind of father is this guy going to be? Do you really want to bear his children and have him and his family as role models? Because whether you like it or not, they are part of the package.
Don't nag him, don't control him... just leave him. I have no idea if it will help him, but it'll be good for you... and your future children.
By Abrielle, 20, from Wisconsin, USA:
So my boyfriend quit smoking pot for me for a year, but now, due to feeling depressed, he's started again. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with being high all the time. He says he quit because of his love for me, but now he thinks we shouldn't have to change ourselves for each other. He tried to break up with me once, but came back the next day and cried and told me how much he loves me. We've been fine for 3 weeks, but now he says that he's confused and doesn't know if we should stay together (oh, but he loves me.)
I thought the problem was the weed, but really I think it's his depression. He keeps saying he's 'frustrated' with his life, even though he has everything he could want (3 video game systems, 2 tvs, psp, tons of games, movies, he makes good money and is about to get a promotion, I make him dinner every night and do his laundry and dishes.) He comes home from work really angry and wants to just scream or hit the wall or something (never me, don't worry) and says he's just crabby and frustrated and basically won't talk to me. His solution for this feeling is smoking pot. I can't get him to go to a doctor, and to add to the problem, his entire family smokes pot and encourages him doing it.
Problem is, I love him more than I coul ever imagine loving someone, even though I'm young. I have no idea what to do to help him without nagging him or trying to control him. HELP.
VictorM's advice:
You say you love him more than you can imagine. I say you need to work on your imagination.
Come on, how fucked up must a guy be for you to recognize he's wrong for you no matter your feelings for him? Let's see: he only stopped smoking weed because of you, not because he recognized his smoking was a problem; after he does he gets depressed; he hates his job; can't communicate his frustrations without getting violent; won't seek professional help to deal with his problems; and has a family that encourages smoking pot.
You can't help him because: a) he doesn't want the help and you can't help those who don't want to help themselves; b) you're not a professional therapist and this guy needs more help than you're qualified to deal with; and c) if you can't help yourself (by leaving this fountain of unhappiness) you can't help him either.
Now, even if you're too weak to do something about it for yourself, let me ask you: what kind of father is this guy going to be? Do you really want to bear his children and have him and his family as role models? Because whether you like it or not, they are part of the package.
Don't nag him, don't control him... just leave him. I have no idea if it will help him, but it'll be good for you... and your future children.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend
Submitted on Sunday, March 30, 2008
By Noemie, 31, from New York:
I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend and would like some advice on how to approach him now. We dated for 4 years, then broke up 10 years ago, were friends for the next 7 years, haven't spoken for the last 3 years, but recently started communicating again through email.
During the 7-year friendship period, it was pretty apparent that we still had feelings for each other. But we were both hesitant at various times or dating other people. I moved 1000 miles away, returned to school, started a new career, and just generally grew up and matured. He got his priorities straight and grew up as well. But he has a girlfriend now and I'm still living with my boyfriend of 5.5. years. Over the last several months, I've realized that I've outgrown my current relationship and am unhappy in this city. I am taking steps to save money so I can end this soon and move back to my hometown.
Now that we're over 30 and I've got more relationship experience and more patience and maturity under my belt, I'm kicking myself for not having appreciated the ex enough. He is one of the most wonderful men I've ever met; there is something about his essence and who he is as a person that grabs hold of me. I've talked to some friends about this and they all express how well-suited we are to each other and that they always wished we'd both grow up and get back together. And this rekindled friendship underscores that - long emails full of personality and warmth.
He is encouraging of me moving back to town. He even said that he was in my city last summer and is upset he didn't know I was living here - he would have looked me up. The problem is that neither of us mentions our significant others at all. I think it's still too painful to hear about each other's love life. I have no idea how serious his relationship is. I know that mine is about to end and we'll be in the same city again. And I could probably use some time on my own to recover from this relationship before jumping into another one. So could he. But I don't want to let him slip away or have bad timing again.
I don't want to do anything to break the two of them up because I'm not evil or manipulative. But, if it does end, I want to be around. So, how do I maintain a friendship with him without denying my feelings or placing him in a terrible position? Should I be honest with him about how I feel? One of his hallmarks is the incredibly high priority he places on honesty and being upfront with people. Should I keep some distance? What if knowing how I feel would change how he feels about his current relationship? I also don't want to alienate him and blow the friendship. I have missed him like crazy these past 3 years - just being his friend and having him in my life. He is such a special person and means the absolute world to me. I'm willing to wait. I just want to know what's the best way to go about doing that.
VictorM's advice:
Feeling as you do about him, I think it would be wise to let him know how you feel before he gets any more serious with his girlfriend. Telling a guy who has a girlfriend that you like him is not, in my view, the wrong thing to do. If indeed he is into his girlfriend, it's his responsibility to tell you so. The only one downside is that if he's not into you as you are into him, chances are your friendship will cool off, but even that is a good thing. Feeling as you do, having a close friendship with him will be virtually impossible.
I suggest that you carry out your plan to break off your current relationship and your move. Inform him of your plans. He needs to start getting used the idea that you'll be available and living close by. But soon after he understand that, I think you need to let him know of your interest in him as more than rekindling a friendship. I would start by asking him point blank how he feels about his girlfriend. Don't be shy to ask. That will open the door to talk about your intentions.
And when you do talk to him about this, be clear about your feelings and intentions. Whatever the outcome, you'll more easily live with the consequences of having been straight with him than you will if you're too timid and have to live with "what ifs...".
By Noemie, 31, from New York:
I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend and would like some advice on how to approach him now. We dated for 4 years, then broke up 10 years ago, were friends for the next 7 years, haven't spoken for the last 3 years, but recently started communicating again through email.
During the 7-year friendship period, it was pretty apparent that we still had feelings for each other. But we were both hesitant at various times or dating other people. I moved 1000 miles away, returned to school, started a new career, and just generally grew up and matured. He got his priorities straight and grew up as well. But he has a girlfriend now and I'm still living with my boyfriend of 5.5. years. Over the last several months, I've realized that I've outgrown my current relationship and am unhappy in this city. I am taking steps to save money so I can end this soon and move back to my hometown.
Now that we're over 30 and I've got more relationship experience and more patience and maturity under my belt, I'm kicking myself for not having appreciated the ex enough. He is one of the most wonderful men I've ever met; there is something about his essence and who he is as a person that grabs hold of me. I've talked to some friends about this and they all express how well-suited we are to each other and that they always wished we'd both grow up and get back together. And this rekindled friendship underscores that - long emails full of personality and warmth.
He is encouraging of me moving back to town. He even said that he was in my city last summer and is upset he didn't know I was living here - he would have looked me up. The problem is that neither of us mentions our significant others at all. I think it's still too painful to hear about each other's love life. I have no idea how serious his relationship is. I know that mine is about to end and we'll be in the same city again. And I could probably use some time on my own to recover from this relationship before jumping into another one. So could he. But I don't want to let him slip away or have bad timing again.
I don't want to do anything to break the two of them up because I'm not evil or manipulative. But, if it does end, I want to be around. So, how do I maintain a friendship with him without denying my feelings or placing him in a terrible position? Should I be honest with him about how I feel? One of his hallmarks is the incredibly high priority he places on honesty and being upfront with people. Should I keep some distance? What if knowing how I feel would change how he feels about his current relationship? I also don't want to alienate him and blow the friendship. I have missed him like crazy these past 3 years - just being his friend and having him in my life. He is such a special person and means the absolute world to me. I'm willing to wait. I just want to know what's the best way to go about doing that.
VictorM's advice:
Feeling as you do about him, I think it would be wise to let him know how you feel before he gets any more serious with his girlfriend. Telling a guy who has a girlfriend that you like him is not, in my view, the wrong thing to do. If indeed he is into his girlfriend, it's his responsibility to tell you so. The only one downside is that if he's not into you as you are into him, chances are your friendship will cool off, but even that is a good thing. Feeling as you do, having a close friendship with him will be virtually impossible.
I suggest that you carry out your plan to break off your current relationship and your move. Inform him of your plans. He needs to start getting used the idea that you'll be available and living close by. But soon after he understand that, I think you need to let him know of your interest in him as more than rekindling a friendship. I would start by asking him point blank how he feels about his girlfriend. Don't be shy to ask. That will open the door to talk about your intentions.
And when you do talk to him about this, be clear about your feelings and intentions. Whatever the outcome, you'll more easily live with the consequences of having been straight with him than you will if you're too timid and have to live with "what ifs...".
