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Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I told him everything
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Kristina, 19, from Oregon:
Hey,
So quite a while back, i wrote you asking if i should tell this guy how i felt eventhough he had a girlfriend. Well, i found out he was going to be leaving not too long ater that and that he would be gone for quite a while. So i still hadn't mustered up the courage to tell him eventhough i knew that he knew and at times it seemed like he was practically begging me to tell him how i felt. So on our last day together before he would be gone, i said goodbye but before i was even on the elevator, he started texting me. he kept this up for the rest of the day and he was saying things about how he was confused and had a lot to figure out. well, that night he asked if we could talk so of course i said yes. He called me and asked what all our time together had meant to me. So i spilled it, i told him everything and he told me he and his girlfriend had broken up and he was thinking about if he and i could be together. So we talked over the next few days and 4 days later he told me he was trying to work things out with his ex and couldn't talk to me for a while. That was over a month ago and he still won't talk to me. I know i didn't do anything wrong because he asked me to tell him how i felt but i cant help but feel like it's my fault. we were always friends before anything else, so why can't we at least still be that?
VictorM's advice:
Your confession changed the dynamics of the relationship. He may still come back and reach out to you as a friend but chances are that your relationship will never the same again.
By Kristina, 19, from Oregon:
Hey,
So quite a while back, i wrote you asking if i should tell this guy how i felt eventhough he had a girlfriend. Well, i found out he was going to be leaving not too long ater that and that he would be gone for quite a while. So i still hadn't mustered up the courage to tell him eventhough i knew that he knew and at times it seemed like he was practically begging me to tell him how i felt. So on our last day together before he would be gone, i said goodbye but before i was even on the elevator, he started texting me. he kept this up for the rest of the day and he was saying things about how he was confused and had a lot to figure out. well, that night he asked if we could talk so of course i said yes. He called me and asked what all our time together had meant to me. So i spilled it, i told him everything and he told me he and his girlfriend had broken up and he was thinking about if he and i could be together. So we talked over the next few days and 4 days later he told me he was trying to work things out with his ex and couldn't talk to me for a while. That was over a month ago and he still won't talk to me. I know i didn't do anything wrong because he asked me to tell him how i felt but i cant help but feel like it's my fault. we were always friends before anything else, so why can't we at least still be that?
VictorM's advice:
Your confession changed the dynamics of the relationship. He may still come back and reach out to you as a friend but chances are that your relationship will never the same again.
I've been dating this amazing guy
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By DJ, 23, from LA:
I've been dating this amazing guy for about a month now. I think he is very sweet and we share the same relationship values and connect emotionally and intellectually. The problem is that he wants to become a couple but I'm not sure. I like him but I feel that we shouldn't be in rush to be together. Another concern is that he got out out a year and a half relationship 6 months ago. Do you think he is ready for another relationship?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's ready or not. A lot depends on how the relationship ended. But barring them throwing knives at each other, he should be ready. First of all, a year and a half relationship is not that long and six months is long enough to get on with life.
But it sounds like you're not ready yet, which is a twist to the usual story where more often than not the guy is the one wanting to wait.
I'll say these things:
-- Amazing guys don't grow on trees.
-- Dating for one month is not enough to know if he's really that amazing.
-- Don't rush into anything unless you're comfortable.
By DJ, 23, from LA:
I've been dating this amazing guy for about a month now. I think he is very sweet and we share the same relationship values and connect emotionally and intellectually. The problem is that he wants to become a couple but I'm not sure. I like him but I feel that we shouldn't be in rush to be together. Another concern is that he got out out a year and a half relationship 6 months ago. Do you think he is ready for another relationship?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's ready or not. A lot depends on how the relationship ended. But barring them throwing knives at each other, he should be ready. First of all, a year and a half relationship is not that long and six months is long enough to get on with life.
But it sounds like you're not ready yet, which is a twist to the usual story where more often than not the guy is the one wanting to wait.
I'll say these things:
-- Amazing guys don't grow on trees.
-- Dating for one month is not enough to know if he's really that amazing.
-- Don't rush into anything unless you're comfortable.
I should not have asked him to lunch
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Victor: I read your response http://argville.com/2008/04/dress-to-impress.html . I couldn't decide what I should wear and called a friend of mine. She provided comments (not on what to wear, or hairdo) but that, in her opinion, I should not have asked him to lunch - that if he is interested, he should ask me out. I was a bit surprised by her outburst and now I'm having second thoughts...can you shed light on this?
VictorM's advice:
I think your friend would be right if the guy had been showing the desire to ask you out, but if I remember correctly, he hasn't. So, what are you to do? Wait for a call that may never come?
Maybe he's not interested in you yet, maybe he never will, but by having lunch with him you give yourself the opportunity to impress him. You're taking the initiative and making things happen.
I think you should go to lunch with him.
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Victor: I read your response http://argville.com/2008/04
VictorM's advice:
I think your friend would be right if the guy had been showing the desire to ask you out, but if I remember correctly, he hasn't. So, what are you to do? Wait for a call that may never come?
Maybe he's not interested in you yet, maybe he never will, but by having lunch with him you give yourself the opportunity to impress him. You're taking the initiative and making things happen.
I think you should go to lunch with him.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I'm in a great relationship... but no sex
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Toni, 26, from PA:
Ok here goes...I'm in a great relationship, for a year now actually. We'd been friends for a while before, and even in a band together (which is still going). We have a ton of things in common, both love music, both love video games...the list goes on. There of course is just one problem. He never, and I mean never wants to have sex or be intimate at all. We've gone 2 months already with him not even trying to touch me. I mean sure he'll kiss me and tell me he loves me, but nothing physical. I've talked about it with him and he basically says he can't help it, its just the way he is, he just doesn't think about that stuff. I've even flat out asked him if he's not attracted to me and he tells me I'm being stupid. I know he's been in bad relationships, especially his last who he now has a year and a half little girl with. We recently moved into a house together and I was hoping that would change things, but no luck. Do I just need to continue to give him time? I am honestly a very sexual person and if I didn't care so much about him this would be a bigger deal than it is (part of me wonders if he is testing me to see if I would cheat on him because thats been a big thing with him in the past), but honestly I'm tired of having to "handle things myself". Everyone (friends and family) has told me what a huge deal it is that he tells me he loves me and that HE suggested we move in together, and everything would be perfect except....Can you please please tell me what he's really thinking and if there's anything I can do other than wait?
VictorM's advice:
Have you written to me before about this? This question sounds awfully familiar.
In any case, a man in his 20's not having a sexual appetitive is not normal. You need to treat this as a medical condition that requires attention. There are a lot of possibilities for his condition, from physical to mental, but whatever the reason, he has to let a doctor address this, no differently than if he had cancer or diabetes.
Remove yourself from the equation. This has nothing to do with you. Assuming that this is a reflection of his feelings for you doesn't help anyone. The best you can do is convince him to see a doctor, preferably a sex therapist.
By Toni, 26, from PA:
Ok here goes...I'm in a great relationship, for a year now actually. We'd been friends for a while before, and even in a band together (which is still going). We have a ton of things in common, both love music, both love video games...the list goes on. There of course is just one problem. He never, and I mean never wants to have sex or be intimate at all. We've gone 2 months already with him not even trying to touch me. I mean sure he'll kiss me and tell me he loves me, but nothing physical. I've talked about it with him and he basically says he can't help it, its just the way he is, he just doesn't think about that stuff. I've even flat out asked him if he's not attracted to me and he tells me I'm being stupid. I know he's been in bad relationships, especially his last who he now has a year and a half little girl with. We recently moved into a house together and I was hoping that would change things, but no luck. Do I just need to continue to give him time? I am honestly a very sexual person and if I didn't care so much about him this would be a bigger deal than it is (part of me wonders if he is testing me to see if I would cheat on him because thats been a big thing with him in the past), but honestly I'm tired of having to "handle things myself". Everyone (friends and family) has told me what a huge deal it is that he tells me he loves me and that HE suggested we move in together, and everything would be perfect except....Can you please please tell me what he's really thinking and if there's anything I can do other than wait?
VictorM's advice:
Have you written to me before about this? This question sounds awfully familiar.
In any case, a man in his 20's not having a sexual appetitive is not normal. You need to treat this as a medical condition that requires attention. There are a lot of possibilities for his condition, from physical to mental, but whatever the reason, he has to let a doctor address this, no differently than if he had cancer or diabetes.
Remove yourself from the equation. This has nothing to do with you. Assuming that this is a reflection of his feelings for you doesn't help anyone. The best you can do is convince him to see a doctor, preferably a sex therapist.
I found a recent photo of his exgirlfriend
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Karla, 24, from New Jersey:
I was with my boyfriend this weekend and I found a recent photo of his exgirlfriend and her number on his phone. I just don't understand why he has a recent picture of her. He told me that she text him and that she wanted him back about 3 weeks ago, but the picture was saved 2 weeks prior to that which means they have been talking. He says he is in love with me, but he also tells me that he loves her and thinks of her, (that hurt me alot). I was very understanding about that until now that I found that picture of her. Am I overreacting about this? Or does he want her back? Why is her picture and her number still on his phone? I'm thinking that he cheated on me.I really don't know how to approach him. Please help me understand.
VictorM's advice:
Just because he has her picture and her number you jump to the conclusion that he cheated? Sounds harsh. He told you that he still loves her and still thinks of her. That's amazing honesty. Not what you would expect from a cheater.
I don't know what his motivation is vis-a-vis is ex, but it is not at all uncommon to still love someone who was special to him for so long and to take time to get over that person. A guy can feel love for a girl and still not want to get involved with her. In fact, I think you should worry more if he treated her like dirt now. What he's showing you is that he's capable of loving someone and not treat such love as something trivial. How he treats her now is indicative of how he will treat you.
So what if he still talks to her? She's not his enemy. The way she becomes less significant in his life is if he has a wonderful time with you. If you want to push him away from her, stop pushing him away from her. Instead, make his time with you wonderful and fun and slowly but surely she'll become history.
By Karla, 24, from New Jersey:
I was with my boyfriend this weekend and I found a recent photo of his exgirlfriend and her number on his phone. I just don't understand why he has a recent picture of her. He told me that she text him and that she wanted him back about 3 weeks ago, but the picture was saved 2 weeks prior to that which means they have been talking. He says he is in love with me, but he also tells me that he loves her and thinks of her, (that hurt me alot). I was very understanding about that until now that I found that picture of her. Am I overreacting about this? Or does he want her back? Why is her picture and her number still on his phone? I'm thinking that he cheated on me.I really don't know how to approach him. Please help me understand.
VictorM's advice:
Just because he has her picture and her number you jump to the conclusion that he cheated? Sounds harsh. He told you that he still loves her and still thinks of her. That's amazing honesty. Not what you would expect from a cheater.
I don't know what his motivation is vis-a-vis is ex, but it is not at all uncommon to still love someone who was special to him for so long and to take time to get over that person. A guy can feel love for a girl and still not want to get involved with her. In fact, I think you should worry more if he treated her like dirt now. What he's showing you is that he's capable of loving someone and not treat such love as something trivial. How he treats her now is indicative of how he will treat you.
So what if he still talks to her? She's not his enemy. The way she becomes less significant in his life is if he has a wonderful time with you. If you want to push him away from her, stop pushing him away from her. Instead, make his time with you wonderful and fun and slowly but surely she'll become history.
Your kisses make my knees weak
Submitted on Sunday, April 27, 2008
By Linda, 41, from NC:
Hi Victor,
First, I love your bold answers! I had to read the past month plus just to see what advise you had been giving that I missed :) Almost p'd myself on a couple of them...
Anyway, I need your honest, man opinion. I had written you back in January, regarding my long distance relationship that my partner had not removed a woman from his messenger list after he had slept with her and we had broke up for it months before. Your reply was that the bottom line was cheating does not mean the end ..but the cheater better go way out of his and my guy was just not doing that.
Well, Victor, I had finally got him to understand it was her or me and have been hanging in there since that time. Things have not been great since then, I always was wondering what he was up to..I really didn't trust him. Long story short, I do believe he is somewhat narcissistic. I know we all are to a degree..but although never diagnosed..I believe him to be. He is very charming, life of the party, often misunderstood, unable to show his feelings well, robotic in expressions and replies..loved to turn the tables on you when you asked a tough question or would make a joke out of it until the topic was changed to something else. I told him he needed to get help for himself. That I had had enough. He (he is in his early 50's) swore that he has never loved anyone in his life like he loves me. He said he was going to therapy to find out why he hurts some one who he loves, especially me. I know my leaving him hurt him and I do feel badly for that. But I have to put my needs first. He was not giving me what I needed..he would take and take and never give back.
Here is my question to you...at the end, when he was trying to hold on..I asked him why he wanted to be with me. He replied, 1. Chemistry 2. I think about you all the time, 3. I want to be with you all the time, 4. Your smile brightens up my heart, 5. Your hug touches me to my core, 6. your kisses make my knees weak. So I replied and said, "in your list of why you want to be with me, nowhere did I hear because you love me" He replied, "all of it involves the love that we share". So I said, "you can have chemistry without the love". He said he disagreed. I just told him that every thing he said was about the chemistry and what I do for him..I didn't hear any "us" or "love" in their at all. I am just wondering..what is your read on his reply. I don't know why it is haunting me to know if this is guy talk..or is my interpertaion correct? Yes, I miss him, yes, I am missing what I THOUGHT we had. No..I will not go back to him again. BUT..I do wonder and hoped you could tell me your thoughts, Please! Thanks in advance, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Based on his answers, I'd say this guy has no idea what loving someone is like, which is why it's easy to understand why he hurts those close to him. All six points he mentioned are trivial and reflect a purely physical relationship devoid of sentiment. Not only that, but that crap about your kisses making his knees weak is pure cheap romance novel drivel.
You are wise to stay away because it is possible that therapy will help him, but for someone like him it won't take a few sessions. I don't think it's enough for him to understand what love really is -- that in itself may be a significant task -- but even if he ever comes to understand, it's still a huge jump to expect him to actually feel that way about someone. The man is emotionally stuck in childhood. It's a long journey to grow emotionally from 5 to 50.
By Linda, 41, from NC:
Hi Victor,
First, I love your bold answers! I had to read the past month plus just to see what advise you had been giving that I missed :) Almost p'd myself on a couple of them...
Anyway, I need your honest, man opinion. I had written you back in January, regarding my long distance relationship that my partner had not removed a woman from his messenger list after he had slept with her and we had broke up for it months before. Your reply was that the bottom line was cheating does not mean the end ..but the cheater better go way out of his and my guy was just not doing that.
Well, Victor, I had finally got him to understand it was her or me and have been hanging in there since that time. Things have not been great since then, I always was wondering what he was up to..I really didn't trust him. Long story short, I do believe he is somewhat narcissistic. I know we all are to a degree..but although never diagnosed..I believe him to be. He is very charming, life of the party, often misunderstood, unable to show his feelings well, robotic in expressions and replies..loved to turn the tables on you when you asked a tough question or would make a joke out of it until the topic was changed to something else. I told him he needed to get help for himself. That I had had enough. He (he is in his early 50's) swore that he has never loved anyone in his life like he loves me. He said he was going to therapy to find out why he hurts some one who he loves, especially me. I know my leaving him hurt him and I do feel badly for that. But I have to put my needs first. He was not giving me what I needed..he would take and take and never give back.
Here is my question to you...at the end, when he was trying to hold on..I asked him why he wanted to be with me. He replied, 1. Chemistry 2. I think about you all the time, 3. I want to be with you all the time, 4. Your smile brightens up my heart, 5. Your hug touches me to my core, 6. your kisses make my knees weak. So I replied and said, "in your list of why you want to be with me, nowhere did I hear because you love me" He replied, "all of it involves the love that we share". So I said, "you can have chemistry without the love". He said he disagreed. I just told him that every thing he said was about the chemistry and what I do for him..I didn't hear any "us" or "love" in their at all. I am just wondering..what is your read on his reply. I don't know why it is haunting me to know if this is guy talk..or is my interpertaion correct? Yes, I miss him, yes, I am missing what I THOUGHT we had. No..I will not go back to him again. BUT..I do wonder and hoped you could tell me your thoughts, Please! Thanks in advance, Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Based on his answers, I'd say this guy has no idea what loving someone is like, which is why it's easy to understand why he hurts those close to him. All six points he mentioned are trivial and reflect a purely physical relationship devoid of sentiment. Not only that, but that crap about your kisses making his knees weak is pure cheap romance novel drivel.
You are wise to stay away because it is possible that therapy will help him, but for someone like him it won't take a few sessions. I don't think it's enough for him to understand what love really is -- that in itself may be a significant task -- but even if he ever comes to understand, it's still a huge jump to expect him to actually feel that way about someone. The man is emotionally stuck in childhood. It's a long journey to grow emotionally from 5 to 50.
We have misunderstandings and fights nearly every month
Submitted on Monday, April 28, 2008
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor!(: (again. lol.) That guy friend and I who's been friends for more than a year- so supposedly we should understand each other pretty well. But its like we have misunderstandings and fights nearly every month. It's childish I know, but somehow either one of us will get hurt by something the other said and so it goes. It's just so odd and perplexing because I don't get this from my other friends, be it guys or girls. Why do you think this happens so often? Do you think my feelings for him get in the way?
It's getting really tiring and I told him that I was sick of it and felt like quitting the friendship and some other pretty harsh stuffs. Oops! Stupid, I know. ): And it was kind of on impulse. So now we're pretty unsure where to go and have yet to talk it out. What do you think I should say to salvage the situation? Please help. Thank you in advance! (:
VictorM's advice:
Call him and talk as if nothing happened. If he brings up your harsh words, say you're sorry. If that's still not enough, offer to have sex with him*. That oughta fix everything. :-p
* Yes, I'm kidding. But seriously, guys get over things easily. So just call him and start talking again. He wants to be your friend as much as you want to be his. If neither one of you cared so much you wouldn't be acting like children and fighting so much.
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor!(: (again. lol.) That guy friend and I who's been friends for more than a year- so supposedly we should understand each other pretty well. But its like we have misunderstandings and fights nearly every month. It's childish I know, but somehow either one of us will get hurt by something the other said and so it goes. It's just so odd and perplexing because I don't get this from my other friends, be it guys or girls. Why do you think this happens so often? Do you think my feelings for him get in the way?
It's getting really tiring and I told him that I was sick of it and felt like quitting the friendship and some other pretty harsh stuffs. Oops! Stupid, I know. ): And it was kind of on impulse. So now we're pretty unsure where to go and have yet to talk it out. What do you think I should say to salvage the situation? Please help. Thank you in advance! (:
VictorM's advice:
Call him and talk as if nothing happened. If he brings up your harsh words, say you're sorry. If that's still not enough, offer to have sex with him*. That oughta fix everything. :-p
* Yes, I'm kidding. But seriously, guys get over things easily. So just call him and start talking again. He wants to be your friend as much as you want to be his. If neither one of you cared so much you wouldn't be acting like children and fighting so much.
I feel like I am right back to square one
Submitted on Sunday, April 27, 2008
By Angie, 29, from New York:
I started working at new job about 11 months ago and one of the guys there was really friendly and we hit it off. I never told him that I had a boyfriend and he never told me that he was engaged. Well after dating a few weeks he tells me about her and I totall y lose interest in him but he was determinted for us to stay friends since we worked with each other. Well one thing lead to another and we began sleeping with each other and I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now his girlfriend that he is engaged to calls me at my job demanding to know what's going on between us because she is 8 months pregnant (another thing he failed to tell me). So I end up getting back with my boyfriend and stop talking to him for good. Well we started talking again and having sex and I feel like I am right back to square one. I work with him and I have a really great job I don't want to have to quit a good job to try an break things off for good with this guy. I feel like he just wants me for sex. He claims he can never leave his girlfriend because they have 2 kids together but he just wants me to stick around for what. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
It's obvious he just wants you for sex. It's obvious he's a liar. It's obvious that neither one of you have much consideration for others. It's obvious you're both cheaters. Consequently, it's doubtful that you'll do the right thing. But you know what the right thing to do is. You just don't have the willpower to do it.
You've made this bed and you're sleeping in it of your own free will. No one else can get you out of it but yourself.
By Angie, 29, from New York:
I started working at new job about 11 months ago and one of the guys there was really friendly and we hit it off. I never told him that I had a boyfriend and he never told me that he was engaged. Well after dating a few weeks he tells me about her and I totall y lose interest in him but he was determinted for us to stay friends since we worked with each other. Well one thing lead to another and we began sleeping with each other and I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now his girlfriend that he is engaged to calls me at my job demanding to know what's going on between us because she is 8 months pregnant (another thing he failed to tell me). So I end up getting back with my boyfriend and stop talking to him for good. Well we started talking again and having sex and I feel like I am right back to square one. I work with him and I have a really great job I don't want to have to quit a good job to try an break things off for good with this guy. I feel like he just wants me for sex. He claims he can never leave his girlfriend because they have 2 kids together but he just wants me to stick around for what. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
It's obvious he just wants you for sex. It's obvious he's a liar. It's obvious that neither one of you have much consideration for others. It's obvious you're both cheaters. Consequently, it's doubtful that you'll do the right thing. But you know what the right thing to do is. You just don't have the willpower to do it.
You've made this bed and you're sleeping in it of your own free will. No one else can get you out of it but yourself.
He is the sweetest,most honest, respectful guy I have known
Submitted on Sunday, April 27, 2008
By bridget, 30, from us:
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year. We live about 2 hours away from each other yet spend almost every weekend together. He is the sweetest, most honest, respectful guy I have known. Yet it's bugging me he hasn't said that he loves me. Maybe he's afraid because he has been hurt before. I don't know. After a year should I tell him that I love him or keep waiting for him?
VictorM's advice:
If you feel that way about him, sure, tell him you love him.
There's a chance that he'll tell you he loves you too, and a chance he won't say it back. Either way, after almost a year, you ought to know where you both stand on the issue. And if he has some other reason for not saying the words, you have a right to know what that reason is.
By bridget, 30, from us:
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year. We live about 2 hours away from each other yet spend almost every weekend together. He is the sweetest, most honest, respectful guy I have known. Yet it's bugging me he hasn't said that he loves me. Maybe he's afraid because he has been hurt before. I don't know. After a year should I tell him that I love him or keep waiting for him?
VictorM's advice:
If you feel that way about him, sure, tell him you love him.
There's a chance that he'll tell you he loves you too, and a chance he won't say it back. Either way, after almost a year, you ought to know where you both stand on the issue. And if he has some other reason for not saying the words, you have a right to know what that reason is.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sleeping with a coworker
Submitted on Friday, April 25, 2008
By Jen, 22, from Iowa:
Me and a co worker have been hanging out and sleeping together once a week for a month. I really like him and he flirts with me a lot at work, but also flirts with other girls at work? Another thing is he wants to make sure I'm only sleeping with him...so is there a chance?
VictorM's advice:
A chance that he'll want to get serious with a fuck buddy? Well... there is a chance, of course, but as long as you continue in the current mode, your odds only get slimmer. That's because guys tend to not think highly of girls who fuck around. And that's what you are to him.
By Jen, 22, from Iowa:
Me and a co worker have been hanging out and sleeping together once a week for a month. I really like him and he flirts with me a lot at work, but also flirts with other girls at work? Another thing is he wants to make sure I'm only sleeping with him...so is there a chance?
VictorM's advice:
A chance that he'll want to get serious with a fuck buddy? Well... there is a chance, of course, but as long as you continue in the current mode, your odds only get slimmer. That's because guys tend to not think highly of girls who fuck around. And that's what you are to him.
What is the best way to ask for an exclusive relationship?
Submitted on Friday, April 25, 2008
By Kristi, 27, from Belleville New Jersey:
What is the best way to ask for an exclusive relationship from a guy you are dating for a month or two?
VictorM's advice:
The best way is to be direct and ask for exactly what you want, and be clear about what "exclusive" means. Guys are not very good at hints or beating around the bush. Go for it say exactly what you want.
But... if you're not ready to walk away from him if you hear "thanks, but no, thanks", you may want to wait longer because if you continue to see him as if nothing happened, he'll have you by the balls.
By Kristi, 27, from Belleville New Jersey:
What is the best way to ask for an exclusive relationship from a guy you are dating for a month or two?
VictorM's advice:
The best way is to be direct and ask for exactly what you want, and be clear about what "exclusive" means. Guys are not very good at hints or beating around the bush. Go for it say exactly what you want.
But... if you're not ready to walk away from him if you hear "thanks, but no, thanks", you may want to wait longer because if you continue to see him as if nothing happened, he'll have you by the balls.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
My boyfriend says I'm confusing
Submitted on Friday, April 25, 2008
By Stephanie, 18, from blanco:
My boyfriend says I'm confusing. How do I make him understand?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you're confusing -- you're a girl! :-p
Don't bother trying to make him understand, just train him like you train a puppy: rewards him when he does something you like, and make sure he knows you're not pleased when he doesn't. The only thing you need to make sure he understands is that what you like and don't like may change from minute to minute.
You might as well prepare the boy for realities of living with a female. It ain't a picnic.
By Stephanie, 18, from blanco:
My boyfriend says I'm confusing. How do I make him understand?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you're confusing -- you're a girl! :-p
Don't bother trying to make him understand, just train him like you train a puppy: rewards him when he does something you like, and make sure he knows you're not pleased when he doesn't. The only thing you need to make sure he understands is that what you like and don't like may change from minute to minute.
You might as well prepare the boy for realities of living with a female. It ain't a picnic.
He turned red
Submitted on Thursday, April 24, 2008
By Sarah, 12, from okc:
hi there is this boy named chris who sits by me in one of our clases and i have a major crush on him his friend dax told him to stop flirting with me and he turned red he is always diffrent around me (in a good way) when he is aroun his friends .
By Sarah, 12, from okc:
hi there is this boy named chris who sits by me in one of our clases and i have a major crush on him his friend dax told him to stop flirting with me and he turned red he is always diffrent around me (in a good way) when he is aroun his friends .
he always looks at me and smiles once he like started dancing i reall y want to know if he likes me? pleas let me know asap
VictorM's answer:
Yes, he likes you, but he may like other girls too. When boys start noticing girls, they notice a lot of them and may enjoy liking a lot of them at once rather than telling any one of them. So don't be surprised if he doesn't admit that he likes you. But he does.
VictorM's answer:
Yes, he likes you, but he may like other girls too. When boys start noticing girls, they notice a lot of them and may enjoy liking a lot of them at once rather than telling any one of them. So don't be surprised if he doesn't admit that he likes you. But he does.
My husband every once in awhile likes to watch porn clips
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Krystal, 23, from Japan:
My husband every once in awhile likes to watch porn clips which I don't mind but it seems like the majority of them are girls with darker skin tones. So does that mean he has a fetish with darker skinned women? It sometimes makes me insecure about myself because I get a stupid thought in my head like I'm not exactly what he was looking for.
VictorM's advice:
I think you're imagining things. Looking at the same clips I bet I could come up with other patterns, like most of the girls are shorter than you, or taller than you, or have longer hair than you, etc, etc. It seems that by noticing the skin tone reveals more about you and your insecurity than it does about his preferences.
In any case, the fantasies that guys may enjoy while watching porn seldom have any relevance to the women they love. If it wasn't so, most guys would be dating 18 year old cheerleaders who babysit and enjoy threesomes involving their twin sister.
By Krystal, 23, from Japan:
My husband every once in awhile likes to watch porn clips which I don't mind but it seems like the majority of them are girls with darker skin tones. So does that mean he has a fetish with darker skinned women? It sometimes makes me insecure about myself because I get a stupid thought in my head like I'm not exactly what he was looking for.
VictorM's advice:
I think you're imagining things. Looking at the same clips I bet I could come up with other patterns, like most of the girls are shorter than you, or taller than you, or have longer hair than you, etc, etc. It seems that by noticing the skin tone reveals more about you and your insecurity than it does about his preferences.
In any case, the fantasies that guys may enjoy while watching porn seldom have any relevance to the women they love. If it wasn't so, most guys would be dating 18 year old cheerleaders who babysit and enjoy threesomes involving their twin sister.
Is it wise to try to initiate something again?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Nostalgic, 28, from Canada:
I recently ran into an ex from long ago at a professional function and had a really nice time talking to him. It jogged my memory about how great he could be, and he also seemed happy to see me and even went out of his way to come over. Seeing him in this context really made me rethink the reasons why things ended between us (I was 22 and he was 27) and make me feel that it just came down to bad timing. I know that in the time since we dated, he has gotten married and (I believe) divorced or at least separated, and I have also just recently ended a very serious relationship. I also worry that he was just being himself since he is naturally a very easygoing person. Is it wise to try to initiate something again? (We don't work together.)
VictorM's advice:
Why not? I see no downside to it. It's impossible to tell how it will turn out but the most important point is that you'll remove the "what if?" from your mind, which by itself makes it all worth while. Go for it.
By Nostalgic, 28, from Canada:
I recently ran into an ex from long ago at a professional function and had a really nice time talking to him. It jogged my memory about how great he could be, and he also seemed happy to see me and even went out of his way to come over. Seeing him in this context really made me rethink the reasons why things ended between us (I was 22 and he was 27) and make me feel that it just came down to bad timing. I know that in the time since we dated, he has gotten married and (I believe) divorced or at least separated, and I have also just recently ended a very serious relationship. I also worry that he was just being himself since he is naturally a very easygoing person. Is it wise to try to initiate something again? (We don't work together.)
VictorM's advice:
Why not? I see no downside to it. It's impossible to tell how it will turn out but the most important point is that you'll remove the "what if?" from your mind, which by itself makes it all worth while. Go for it.
Friday, April 25, 2008
He doesn't really engage in the conversation
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Oly, 16, from California:
There is this guy at my school that I really like. At school he won't talk to me and to help that we just have homeroom together-no classes. We just went to D.C. for a school trip and there he talked to me and would flirt with me. He would be really loud and outgoing with everyone but when we tlk one-on-one he gets really quiet and sweet. However he told me that he kind of likes my friend who I know doesn't like him back. He asked her for her number (in a friend way) but he didn't ask for mine. (But he could have thought that I had already put my number in his phone because I looked at it before). While there he would splah water on me, 'argue' with me (it's really an inside joke), and play around with me. But when we got back he wouldn't talk to me. I try really hard to get him to just say "hi" but nothing happens. I'll go up to him and his friends and talk but he doesn't really engage in the conversation... but he doesn't just walk away either... I don't know what to think. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Oly, there's not much to think about here. He's not into you. Period.
By Oly, 16, from California:
There is this guy at my school that I really like. At school he won't talk to me and to help that we just have homeroom together-no classes. We just went to D.C. for a school trip and there he talked to me and would flirt with me. He would be really loud and outgoing with everyone but when we tlk one-on-one he gets really quiet and sweet. However he told me that he kind of likes my friend who I know doesn't like him back. He asked her for her number (in a friend way) but he didn't ask for mine. (But he could have thought that I had already put my number in his phone because I looked at it before). While there he would splah water on me, 'argue' with me (it's really an inside joke), and play around with me. But when we got back he wouldn't talk to me. I try really hard to get him to just say "hi" but nothing happens. I'll go up to him and his friends and talk but he doesn't really engage in the conversation... but he doesn't just walk away either... I don't know what to think. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Oly, there's not much to think about here. He's not into you. Period.
Is he using me for sex?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
By Kiley, 20, from Florida:
Okay so I have a question. I have sorta been seeing this guy on and off for a month..we're "messing around in bed" and stuff..however, he said he doesn't want a relationship.. he wants to take it slow. Is he using me for sex or does he just really want to take it slow?
VictorM's advice:
He's being perfectly clear with you: he doesn't want a relationship. I don't think he's using sex for anything. He just likes to fuck you.
You are having sex with him of your own free will. If you are doing it expecting him to get into a relationship with you, you're the one using sex.
Having sex with a guy who wants to take is slow will most likely get you nowhere.
By Kiley, 20, from Florida:
Okay so I have a question. I have sorta been seeing this guy on and off for a month..we're "messing around in bed" and stuff..however, he said he doesn't want a relationship.. he wants to take it slow. Is he using me for sex or does he just really want to take it slow?
VictorM's advice:
He's being perfectly clear with you: he doesn't want a relationship. I don't think he's using sex for anything. He just likes to fuck you.
You are having sex with him of your own free will. If you are doing it expecting him to get into a relationship with you, you're the one using sex.
Having sex with a guy who wants to take is slow will most likely get you nowhere.
I found out he had been cheating on me
Submitted on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
By Temika, 29, from Augusta, GA:
Hi,
I was in a on and off again relationship with my high school sweetheart for 13 years (1992-2005). I went away for college (only 2 hours) but would come home on a regular basis to see him. When I graduated I moved back home but after about 2 years I got a job 2 hours away. I was gone for about 15 months before I moved back to be closer to him. That was October 2004. In February of 2005 I found out he had been cheating on me, I thought we were trying to work through it but I kept catching him in lies so about April 2005 he broke up with me. We never lost contact but rarely spent time together and have had no physical relationship since October 2006. He would always tell me that he just didn't want to be in a relationship right now but I kept tabs on him and noticed he remained in contact with the female he cheated on me with. In November 2006 I found out she was 4 months pregnant which he said he didn't know if it was his baby or not. This story was told up until after the little girl was born in which he had not gotten a DNA test like he said he would but claims her as his own. He keeps telling me that the girl is just his baby's mama, she's not his cup of tea, and he doesn't want to be with her. He will call me up just to say how much he still loves me but I never see him. I am an emotional wreck right now, I feel like my heart is being ripped out over and over again. I'm tired of the lies and I want to know what is up with him. How can he just treat the person who's stood by his side for 13+ years like nothing? I really love him but I can't take this treatment anymore. I have lost my dignity, my self-esteem, and my sanity. What should I do and what do you think his problem is?
VictorM's advice:
Really, why give a shit about his problem? You're the one that needs to resolve your problems. If you do, you'll stop wondering about him.
From a guy's point of you, there were no 13 years. There were too many gaps, he was not always into you, and he broke up with you. Being there for him, whether you like to hear it or not, is seen as a sign of weakness. Listening to him telling you that he loves is a sign of weakness. Being emotionally wrecked is a sign of weakness. And most guys don't like a weak women. He treats you like nothing because, frankly, he thinks there is nothing between you two. And he's right.
Your inability to recognize when someone is not into you and is feeding you bullshit lines is the problem. Your dignity and self-esteem will not improve as long as you continue to look back and allow yourself to be judged by a man such as he. The self-pity and the melodramatics will get you nowhere. Your heart is not being ripped; it's there, beating and ready to go on.
It's time to buy some new clothes, change your hair style, engage in new hobbies, go to new places, make new friends, hit the gym, play loud music, get rid of the junk food, get brighter lights in the house, and start enjoying life without a man around. If one comes around, great, but if not, mortgaging your future to that loser sounds like a big waste of a life.
By Temika, 29, from Augusta, GA:
Hi,
I was in a on and off again relationship with my high school sweetheart for 13 years (1992-2005). I went away for college (only 2 hours) but would come home on a regular basis to see him. When I graduated I moved back home but after about 2 years I got a job 2 hours away. I was gone for about 15 months before I moved back to be closer to him. That was October 2004. In February of 2005 I found out he had been cheating on me, I thought we were trying to work through it but I kept catching him in lies so about April 2005 he broke up with me. We never lost contact but rarely spent time together and have had no physical relationship since October 2006. He would always tell me that he just didn't want to be in a relationship right now but I kept tabs on him and noticed he remained in contact with the female he cheated on me with. In November 2006 I found out she was 4 months pregnant which he said he didn't know if it was his baby or not. This story was told up until after the little girl was born in which he had not gotten a DNA test like he said he would but claims her as his own. He keeps telling me that the girl is just his baby's mama, she's not his cup of tea, and he doesn't want to be with her. He will call me up just to say how much he still loves me but I never see him. I am an emotional wreck right now, I feel like my heart is being ripped out over and over again. I'm tired of the lies and I want to know what is up with him. How can he just treat the person who's stood by his side for 13+ years like nothing? I really love him but I can't take this treatment anymore. I have lost my dignity, my self-esteem, and my sanity. What should I do and what do you think his problem is?
VictorM's advice:
Really, why give a shit about his problem? You're the one that needs to resolve your problems. If you do, you'll stop wondering about him.
From a guy's point of you, there were no 13 years. There were too many gaps, he was not always into you, and he broke up with you. Being there for him, whether you like to hear it or not, is seen as a sign of weakness. Listening to him telling you that he loves is a sign of weakness. Being emotionally wrecked is a sign of weakness. And most guys don't like a weak women. He treats you like nothing because, frankly, he thinks there is nothing between you two. And he's right.
Your inability to recognize when someone is not into you and is feeding you bullshit lines is the problem. Your dignity and self-esteem will not improve as long as you continue to look back and allow yourself to be judged by a man such as he. The self-pity and the melodramatics will get you nowhere. Your heart is not being ripped; it's there, beating and ready to go on.
It's time to buy some new clothes, change your hair style, engage in new hobbies, go to new places, make new friends, hit the gym, play loud music, get rid of the junk food, get brighter lights in the house, and start enjoying life without a man around. If one comes around, great, but if not, mortgaging your future to that loser sounds like a big waste of a life.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
He eluded to wanting to continue seeing me
Submitted on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
By Sophia, 33, from Cornelius:
I've been needing some advice from a male perspective since I only have women in my life.
I met this guy approximately 2 months ago. He knew I was separated and he is also finalizing a divorce; we both have children and have been very upfront about our situations from the beginning. The day we met, we hit it off immensely and I invited him back to my house. We talked, made-out, no sex but talked until the early hours the next day. He went home and since then we talked every single day, multiple times per day not only phonecalls but including text messages, and talked until late night most nights.
The next date was 2 weeks later; which was understood from the beginning by me, due to location and time constraints, it's really not possible to see him more than that. We both knew that sex would happen because we have been very honest with each other about our needs, wants, and expectations. That Friday, he came over, spent the night. That Saturday, we met for coffee, spent the day together, spent the night together and he left early the next morning.
The third date, I decided to come to his place. We watched a movie, became intimate, went out later that evening and I left the next day.
In between those weeks, he made an effort to come see me one day out of that week, on his route for work, just to stop by and talk, hug and was extremely affectionate.
Things got a bit complicated with my ex soon after that third date and I told him about everything to keep him informed of how things were going with me. I did make it clear to him that if at any point he did not want to continue seeing me, that he could say so and I would not hold anything against him and we could move on. He did not say he wanted to stop seeing me, he eluded to wanting to continue seeing me.
So..since that last date, when I called, he would call back but that first week after that third date, he did not initiate phone calls anymore. He'll call back if I call and he is no longer allowed to text on his phone for work purposes. I told him I wouldn't text him anymore. He said, "Well, you could text, I could receive them but can't reply back." So every time I try to put a finality to the situation, he doesn't seem to want it done. He told me that the reason for him not calling as much was he has had a stressful work week and has had absolutely no time to do much more than sleep. He also mentioned that this week was going to be a lot of the same. So I left it as, "when you get 'unbusy', give me a call."
For 6 weeks, texting to tell me he misses me, that he really likes me, that he thinks about how it would be if we were together. He knows he can call me, what times are best and all that. So I have not called, it's been 3 days. This is the week that we would normally make a date to see each other on the weekend...so, I've already made plans to do other things but am still curious as to the thoughts of a man in this situation. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you so much!
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure every regular visitor to this site knows what's coming. This type of question is so common...
Guys are notorious for starting a relationship -- particularly when physical attraction is the main driver -- with lots of intensity. You are a mystery and guys love that. A couple of quick dates and a couple of sex sessions later, the mystery has vastly dwindled. Sometimes there are other attributes keeping the interest going but many times the interest simply fades.
In his case, the interest has faded. I say that because the excuse that he's too busy is far too common in these situations and the timing (a couple weeks into the relationship and after sex) makes it too much of a coincidence. When the "too busy" explanation comes after the fact, that is, after a period of silence and after being questioned about it, it's a good bet it's just an excuse for fading interest.
So why doesn't he tell you he's not interested instead of continuing to give you hints he wants to continue? Because: 1) he may feel it's a phase that will go away, so no point in burning any bridges; 2) he doesn't know how to explain the sudden loss of interest, so he doesn't; 3) he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he keeps saying things to prop up your ego (guys hate to come across as the bad guy); 4) he's hoping you get the hints and start fading way from him so he doesn't have to do it, all the while making you think he's interested.
Yes, it's a cowardly way of doing it but guys really hate to make a girl cry and have to explain something they don't know how to explain (the sudden loss of interest). So they hide, they evade, and they get "too busy".
(I should formalize this answer and just copy/paste it when this question comes up).
Anyway, you're doing the right thing by not staying at home and dwelling on it.
By Sophia, 33, from Cornelius:
I've been needing some advice from a male perspective since I only have women in my life.
I met this guy approximately 2 months ago. He knew I was separated and he is also finalizing a divorce; we both have children and have been very upfront about our situations from the beginning. The day we met, we hit it off immensely and I invited him back to my house. We talked, made-out, no sex but talked until the early hours the next day. He went home and since then we talked every single day, multiple times per day not only phonecalls but including text messages, and talked until late night most nights.
The next date was 2 weeks later; which was understood from the beginning by me, due to location and time constraints, it's really not possible to see him more than that. We both knew that sex would happen because we have been very honest with each other about our needs, wants, and expectations. That Friday, he came over, spent the night. That Saturday, we met for coffee, spent the day together, spent the night together and he left early the next morning.
The third date, I decided to come to his place. We watched a movie, became intimate, went out later that evening and I left the next day.
In between those weeks, he made an effort to come see me one day out of that week, on his route for work, just to stop by and talk, hug and was extremely affectionate.
Things got a bit complicated with my ex soon after that third date and I told him about everything to keep him informed of how things were going with me. I did make it clear to him that if at any point he did not want to continue seeing me, that he could say so and I would not hold anything against him and we could move on. He did not say he wanted to stop seeing me, he eluded to wanting to continue seeing me.
So..since that last date, when I called, he would call back but that first week after that third date, he did not initiate phone calls anymore. He'll call back if I call and he is no longer allowed to text on his phone for work purposes. I told him I wouldn't text him anymore. He said, "Well, you could text, I could receive them but can't reply back." So every time I try to put a finality to the situation, he doesn't seem to want it done. He told me that the reason for him not calling as much was he has had a stressful work week and has had absolutely no time to do much more than sleep. He also mentioned that this week was going to be a lot of the same. So I left it as, "when you get 'unbusy', give me a call."
For 6 weeks, texting to tell me he misses me, that he really likes me, that he thinks about how it would be if we were together. He knows he can call me, what times are best and all that. So I have not called, it's been 3 days. This is the week that we would normally make a date to see each other on the weekend...so, I've already made plans to do other things but am still curious as to the thoughts of a man in this situation. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you so much!
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure every regular visitor to this site knows what's coming. This type of question is so common...
Guys are notorious for starting a relationship -- particularly when physical attraction is the main driver -- with lots of intensity. You are a mystery and guys love that. A couple of quick dates and a couple of sex sessions later, the mystery has vastly dwindled. Sometimes there are other attributes keeping the interest going but many times the interest simply fades.
In his case, the interest has faded. I say that because the excuse that he's too busy is far too common in these situations and the timing (a couple weeks into the relationship and after sex) makes it too much of a coincidence. When the "too busy" explanation comes after the fact, that is, after a period of silence and after being questioned about it, it's a good bet it's just an excuse for fading interest.
So why doesn't he tell you he's not interested instead of continuing to give you hints he wants to continue? Because: 1) he may feel it's a phase that will go away, so no point in burning any bridges; 2) he doesn't know how to explain the sudden loss of interest, so he doesn't; 3) he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he keeps saying things to prop up your ego (guys hate to come across as the bad guy); 4) he's hoping you get the hints and start fading way from him so he doesn't have to do it, all the while making you think he's interested.
Yes, it's a cowardly way of doing it but guys really hate to make a girl cry and have to explain something they don't know how to explain (the sudden loss of interest). So they hide, they evade, and they get "too busy".
(I should formalize this answer and just copy/paste it when this question comes up).
Anyway, you're doing the right thing by not staying at home and dwelling on it.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
He refusses to discuss the future with me
Submitted on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
By confused, 33, from beach:
My boyfriend and I live together, have a child together and yet he refusses to discuss the future with me. I want to get married and when I bring up the topic he gets angry and changes the subject. Am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
You're wasting your time because in reality you already have the answer you're seeking, you're just refusing to accept it. His refusal to talk about it and getting angry tell you all you need to know.
By confused, 33, from beach:
My boyfriend and I live together, have a child together and yet he refusses to discuss the future with me. I want to get married and when I bring up the topic he gets angry and changes the subject. Am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
You're wasting your time because in reality you already have the answer you're seeking, you're just refusing to accept it. His refusal to talk about it and getting angry tell you all you need to know.
He never tried to give me a little kiss or hug
Submitted on Monday, April 21, 2008
By stephanie, 11, from mcallen tx:
ok well i like this guy and i know he likes me cuz we used to go out and he asked me out again but when we went out he never tried to give me a little kiss or hug and ive seen him makeout with his other girlfriends. the problem is as friends we talk all the time but more we barely talk and i like him a lot to so should i say yes to him or is he just using me well actually is he trying to use me?????????
VictorM's answer:
You Texas girls really start young, huh? :)
Maybe he just likes you more than he liked the other girls. Like, he respects you more. Keep it that way and stay his friend for now.
By stephanie, 11, from mcallen tx:
ok well i like this guy and i know he likes me cuz we used to go out and he asked me out again but when we went out he never tried to give me a little kiss or hug and ive seen him makeout with his other girlfriends. the problem is as friends we talk all the time but more we barely talk and i like him a lot to so should i say yes to him or is he just using me well actually is he trying to use me?????????
VictorM's answer:
You Texas girls really start young, huh? :)
Maybe he just likes you more than he liked the other girls. Like, he respects you more. Keep it that way and stay his friend for now.
When I go to church he won't stop looking at me
Submitted on Monday, April 21, 2008
By sherica henry, 14, from south london:
There is this boy at my church that I used to like, but one day my sister came and said that she asked him if he likes me but she said that he said that I was out of his league but now some times when I go to church he won't stop looking at me and smiling. What does that mean? Can you help me please?
VictorM's advice:
I think it means he likes you but he's afraid to make the first move. Give the boy some encouragement and smile back.
By sherica henry, 14, from south london:
There is this boy at my church that I used to like, but one day my sister came and said that she asked him if he likes me but she said that he said that I was out of his league but now some times when I go to church he won't stop looking at me and smiling. What does that mean? Can you help me please?
VictorM's advice:
I think it means he likes you but he's afraid to make the first move. Give the boy some encouragement and smile back.
he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend
Submitted on Monday, April 21, 2008
By Brittany Sands, 19, from West Virginia:
How can I trust my boyfriend when everyone tells me that he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Ask him if it's true.
If he is, what's the problem? Exes don't have to be enemies. But if he's sneaking around and talking to her behind your back, then trust becomes an issue.
Give him a chance to come clean. Maybe there is nothing sinister about the conversations.
By Brittany Sands, 19, from West Virginia:
How can I trust my boyfriend when everyone tells me that he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Ask him if it's true.
If he is, what's the problem? Exes don't have to be enemies. But if he's sneaking around and talking to her behind your back, then trust becomes an issue.
Give him a chance to come clean. Maybe there is nothing sinister about the conversations.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I still am embarrassed by his smoking
Submitted on Sunday, April 20, 2008
By R.L., 25, from bay area, CA:
My boyfriend smokes, and although he is so great that I date him despite his smoking, I still am embarrassed by his smoking, especially around my family and most friends. He thinks that my refusal to accept his smoking points to a deeper problem in the relationship (me not accepting him for who he is) while I think of his smoking as a nasty habit that will someday go away when he quits, and not really a part of who he is. He has also says that he does not plan to quit smoking until he has kids, but I refuse to marry a smoker. Can cigarettes really be so important to him that it's worth losing me?
VictorM's advice:
You get points taking away from you for thinking such an idiot is a great guy. Seriously! He is an idiot. I don't say that because he smokes -- lots of great people have gotten caught in that terrible habit -- but smart people don't think that smoking defines who they are. Great people who are smokers recognize they are caught in a terrible habit, one that will rob years from their life and most likely will bring about unwanted illnesses to themselves and those around them (second hand smoking is a proven health risk).
Further, saying he will quit when he has children is bullshit! He's just pushing the target into sometime into the future so he doesn't have to deal with it now. If he thinks smoking is so bad that his children shouldn't be exposed to it, why should he exposed you to it now? What kind of love is that? The man is either dense or careless. Take your pick.
A choice between you and cigarettes... yeah, he might just pick the smoking but rationalize it as it being you with the problem. He's addicted. Smoking is a hard addiction to quit. Given a choice, I don't know if he would try to quit over you, but you'd be wise to find out now because if you go on the promise that he'll quit when you have children, you'd be as big an idiot as he is.
By R.L., 25, from bay area, CA:
My boyfriend smokes, and although he is so great that I date him despite his smoking, I still am embarrassed by his smoking, especially around my family and most friends. He thinks that my refusal to accept his smoking points to a deeper problem in the relationship (me not accepting him for who he is) while I think of his smoking as a nasty habit that will someday go away when he quits, and not really a part of who he is. He has also says that he does not plan to quit smoking until he has kids, but I refuse to marry a smoker. Can cigarettes really be so important to him that it's worth losing me?
VictorM's advice:
You get points taking away from you for thinking such an idiot is a great guy. Seriously! He is an idiot. I don't say that because he smokes -- lots of great people have gotten caught in that terrible habit -- but smart people don't think that smoking defines who they are. Great people who are smokers recognize they are caught in a terrible habit, one that will rob years from their life and most likely will bring about unwanted illnesses to themselves and those around them (second hand smoking is a proven health risk).
Further, saying he will quit when he has children is bullshit! He's just pushing the target into sometime into the future so he doesn't have to deal with it now. If he thinks smoking is so bad that his children shouldn't be exposed to it, why should he exposed you to it now? What kind of love is that? The man is either dense or careless. Take your pick.
A choice between you and cigarettes... yeah, he might just pick the smoking but rationalize it as it being you with the problem. He's addicted. Smoking is a hard addiction to quit. Given a choice, I don't know if he would try to quit over you, but you'd be wise to find out now because if you go on the promise that he'll quit when you have children, you'd be as big an idiot as he is.
He is dating two 18 and 19 yrs old girls
Submitted on Sunday, April 20, 2008
By mitha, 31, from indonesia:
Would it be possible to capture my ex boyfriend heart when he is dating two 18 and 19 yrs old girls on his neighbourhood? I know that he is not into me, by telling me that he had dating two younger girls in his neighbourhood but what should I do if I want to continue our relationship back, and he choose me as his real girlfriend? He told me that he had a nicer connection with me than the other girls, but he also told me that I am the most far. Sometimes I confused whether should I forget and leave hiPublish Postm forever, or stay fight for his love? Please sir I need your perspective.
VictorM's advice:
You broke up before. Why? Whatever the reasons, they didn't go away. Making a relationship work is hard enough when both people are into each other, so why try to be in one when the other person is not into you, is far away, and you share a record of failure? Sounds like a waste of precious time to me.
Time to stop listening to him brag about himself and find a guy that would be into you.
By mitha, 31, from indonesia:
Would it be possible to capture my ex boyfriend heart when he is dating two 18 and 19 yrs old girls on his neighbourhood? I know that he is not into me, by telling me that he had dating two younger girls in his neighbourhood but what should I do if I want to continue our relationship back, and he choose me as his real girlfriend? He told me that he had a nicer connection with me than the other girls, but he also told me that I am the most far. Sometimes I confused whether should I forget and leave hiPublish Postm forever, or stay fight for his love? Please sir I need your perspective.
VictorM's advice:
You broke up before. Why? Whatever the reasons, they didn't go away. Making a relationship work is hard enough when both people are into each other, so why try to be in one when the other person is not into you, is far away, and you share a record of failure? Sounds like a waste of precious time to me.
Time to stop listening to him brag about himself and find a guy that would be into you.
Of course I like you
Submitted on Sunday, April 20, 2008
By chloe, 18, from cali:
I have a crush on this guy. He's usually quite shy, but I think he likes me too because when I walk into the room, he usually looks at me for a period of time and then smiles to himself. Once, I myspaced him and he told me to check out his sexy pictures of him swimming but ever since that myspace comment, he often ignores me. I emailed him to ask him if he likes me. He said "of course I like you. You're cool. Why do u think something random like that?" then he asked me a random question about school. Is he playing with me or does he actually like me?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not playing with you. He could like you like someone likes a new pair of socks, not like he wants to marry you. It's a friendly like, not a romantic like. Capiche?
Just because a guy looks at you doesn't mean he'd want to go out with you. Guys like checking out girls, period.
By chloe, 18, from cali:
I have a crush on this guy. He's usually quite shy, but I think he likes me too because when I walk into the room, he usually looks at me for a period of time and then smiles to himself. Once, I myspaced him and he told me to check out his sexy pictures of him swimming but ever since that myspace comment, he often ignores me. I emailed him to ask him if he likes me. He said "of course I like you. You're cool. Why do u think something random like that?" then he asked me a random question about school. Is he playing with me or does he actually like me?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not playing with you. He could like you like someone likes a new pair of socks, not like he wants to marry you. It's a friendly like, not a romantic like. Capiche?
Just because a guy looks at you doesn't mean he'd want to go out with you. Guys like checking out girls, period.
My boyfriend is a great guy
Submitted on Saturday, April 19, 2008
By nan_cu, 18, from Fl:
My boyfriend is a great guy. He treats me good and respects me, but he doesn't like spending time with me, that's what he tells me. He wants to go out with his friends, at all times, which I really don't mind but I also like attention and he doesn't give it to me. I could be paranoid but he got a friend who he is constantly texting and he deletes his texts so I don't see them. What could this mean? Please help, me I am very confuse!!
VictorM's advice:
He tells you he doesn't like spending time with you? Um... give him a medal for honesty.
Looks like your boyfriend just isn't ready for a relationship. If you want attention from a boyfriend, find another great guy. Judging by your low standards, that shouldn't be too hard.
As for the text messages, what business do you have reading them anyway? They are his messages, not yours. Who knows what they say... could be anything. What difference does it make anyway? It's not like you figure in his life much anyway.
By nan_cu, 18, from Fl:
My boyfriend is a great guy. He treats me good and respects me, but he doesn't like spending time with me, that's what he tells me. He wants to go out with his friends, at all times, which I really don't mind but I also like attention and he doesn't give it to me. I could be paranoid but he got a friend who he is constantly texting and he deletes his texts so I don't see them. What could this mean? Please help, me I am very confuse!!
VictorM's advice:
He tells you he doesn't like spending time with you? Um... give him a medal for honesty.
Looks like your boyfriend just isn't ready for a relationship. If you want attention from a boyfriend, find another great guy. Judging by your low standards, that shouldn't be too hard.
As for the text messages, what business do you have reading them anyway? They are his messages, not yours. Who knows what they say... could be anything. What difference does it make anyway? It's not like you figure in his life much anyway.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Message to Alexandra from Florida, and others
Alexandra,
I have gotten a couple of your submissions in the last few days. I have no problem with follow-up questions but when the exchange starts to sounds more like a conversation, I'd prefer to use the ARGville Forum's Ask ARGers. It's an easier and more practical way to handle repeated follow-up questions. Several regular visitors have recently joined the forum and I invite you to do likewise. I'll be glad to continue to take your questions there.
PS - This message applies to everyone else in similar situations.
I have gotten a couple of your submissions in the last few days. I have no problem with follow-up questions but when the exchange starts to sounds more like a conversation, I'd prefer to use the ARGville Forum's Ask ARGers. It's an easier and more practical way to handle repeated follow-up questions. Several regular visitors have recently joined the forum and I invite you to do likewise. I'll be glad to continue to take your questions there.
PS - This message applies to everyone else in similar situations.
My boyfriend recently asked me to control him
Submitted on Friday, April 18, 2008
By kayla, 14, from florida:
My boyfriend recently asked me to control him. I asked him what he meant, he said like tell me what to do (ex: if I forgot my gym bag tell him to go get it and he will). I was like no I'm not gonna boss you around and he said he wanted me to. He said he liked the feeling.. I was kinda freaked out.I don't know why he could possibly want me to do this??
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a submissive personality, which is not the most common thing around, but not as unusual as you might think. There's no need to freak out about it even if it's something you don't like about him.
Some people are totally submissive and won't be happy unless that's the relationship they're in, others aren't as strongly submissive and can bounce back and forth, depending on the partner. It's possible that if you say you don't like it that he'll say OK and not bring it up again.
Just as he was honest about it with you, you should let him know that you don't particularly like it. But deal with it calmly and maturely.
Whatever you decide to do, deal with him respectfully. He deserves that.
By kayla, 14, from florida:
My boyfriend recently asked me to control him. I asked him what he meant, he said like tell me what to do (ex: if I forgot my gym bag tell him to go get it and he will). I was like no I'm not gonna boss you around and he said he wanted me to. He said he liked the feeling.. I was kinda freaked out.I don't know why he could possibly want me to do this??
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a submissive personality, which is not the most common thing around, but not as unusual as you might think. There's no need to freak out about it even if it's something you don't like about him.
Some people are totally submissive and won't be happy unless that's the relationship they're in, others aren't as strongly submissive and can bounce back and forth, depending on the partner. It's possible that if you say you don't like it that he'll say OK and not bring it up again.
Just as he was honest about it with you, you should let him know that you don't particularly like it. But deal with it calmly and maturely.
Whatever you decide to do, deal with him respectfully. He deserves that.
He's been cheated on
Submitted on Friday, April 18, 2008
By Jay, 18, from UK:
My boyfriend's had a lot of bad relationships in the past...he's been cheated on etc. and that obviously has left its mark on him and he finds it really hard to trust girlfriends.
In the beginning of our relationship I tried to be supportive and put a lot of effort into helping him see that history doesn't have to repeat itself/he can trust me etc. The only problem is that now we've been together for a couple of YEARS and I'm starting to get fed up of his insecurities (I know that sounds harsh and I do love him a lot but it's honest). By the way, this isn't a problem that affects our relationship everyday, but it does come up every couple of weeks or so and lately it's been turning into arguments which it hadn't before. I'm happy with our relationship but his insecurities and worries about what happened to him in the past make me wonder if we've got a future.
Anyway, basically what I wanted to know is...is there a way for me to get through to him that he can trust me? And if not, what's the best way for me to diffuse the situation when he gets uptight for no reason? Do you think its something that will ever change or am I just gonna have to accept that as part of his personality?
thanks
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no way for you to make him see that you'd never cheat. For one, isn't that what everyone who cheats says before they cheat? Two, of course you might cheat some time in the future under circumstances you can't foresee now. Three, his insecurities have nothing to do with you (and this is the point you must understand and accept above all).
Unless you stop enabling him, you will have to live with this forever, only that it will get worse. He'll become more and more insecure and his demands of you will increase.
Often, these kinds of insecurity tantrums are a way of getting your attention, of you compromising your freedom and self-worth and him gaining more and more control over your life. That's right, pay close attention: these "insecurities" often are nothing more than masking a controlling personality. Do NOT let him get away with it.
So what to do? It takes discipline and it will take time, but you must downplay what he says and you must stop taking it personally. Detach yourself from his words. Next time he acts jealous and says, for example, that you were flirting with another guy, just say: "That is not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And carry on with your life. Don't yell at him, don't sulk, don't show anger, just go about doing what you were doing.
By saying "if it makes you happy to believe it", you're changing the topic from your actions to his feelings. And his feelings are the problem. That's what needs to be the topic of conversation, not your actions. So, it's not you wearing a short skirt that's the problem, it's why he thinks it is. It's not you talking to another guy that's the problem, it's what he thinks about it that is.
You must turn every insecurity issue into one where he's the one that has to change, not you. And you must send a strong signal that you will not allow yourself to be controlled.
By Jay, 18, from UK:
My boyfriend's had a lot of bad relationships in the past...he's been cheated on etc. and that obviously has left its mark on him and he finds it really hard to trust girlfriends.
In the beginning of our relationship I tried to be supportive and put a lot of effort into helping him see that history doesn't have to repeat itself/he can trust me etc. The only problem is that now we've been together for a couple of YEARS and I'm starting to get fed up of his insecurities (I know that sounds harsh and I do love him a lot but it's honest). By the way, this isn't a problem that affects our relationship everyday, but it does come up every couple of weeks or so and lately it's been turning into arguments which it hadn't before. I'm happy with our relationship but his insecurities and worries about what happened to him in the past make me wonder if we've got a future.
Anyway, basically what I wanted to know is...is there a way for me to get through to him that he can trust me? And if not, what's the best way for me to diffuse the situation when he gets uptight for no reason? Do you think its something that will ever change or am I just gonna have to accept that as part of his personality?
thanks
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no way for you to make him see that you'd never cheat. For one, isn't that what everyone who cheats says before they cheat? Two, of course you might cheat some time in the future under circumstances you can't foresee now. Three, his insecurities have nothing to do with you (and this is the point you must understand and accept above all).
Unless you stop enabling him, you will have to live with this forever, only that it will get worse. He'll become more and more insecure and his demands of you will increase.
Often, these kinds of insecurity tantrums are a way of getting your attention, of you compromising your freedom and self-worth and him gaining more and more control over your life. That's right, pay close attention: these "insecurities" often are nothing more than masking a controlling personality. Do NOT let him get away with it.
So what to do? It takes discipline and it will take time, but you must downplay what he says and you must stop taking it personally. Detach yourself from his words. Next time he acts jealous and says, for example, that you were flirting with another guy, just say: "That is not true, but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And carry on with your life. Don't yell at him, don't sulk, don't show anger, just go about doing what you were doing.
By saying "if it makes you happy to believe it", you're changing the topic from your actions to his feelings. And his feelings are the problem. That's what needs to be the topic of conversation, not your actions. So, it's not you wearing a short skirt that's the problem, it's why he thinks it is. It's not you talking to another guy that's the problem, it's what he thinks about it that is.
You must turn every insecurity issue into one where he's the one that has to change, not you. And you must send a strong signal that you will not allow yourself to be controlled.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I think that he was happy to see me
Submitted on Thursday, April 17, 2008
By alisa, 30, from virginia:
My ex and I have not not seen each other in a couple of months. We made arrangements to meet. I went over to his place and we had a really wonderful time. I think that he was happy to see me. He acted nervous at first, but then he stared and when I looked up he acted like he wasn't looking. We then went out to lunch and had a lovely time. It seemed like old times again. Do you think that he could still have felings for me or was he just enjoying my company? I do want him back, but I want to know if he's stil interested. I'm scared to come out and ask him. HELP
VictorM's advice:
If everything is so wonderful, why did you breakup? There had to be a reason. What makes you think those reasons won't come back? Chances are that unless something drastic happened during those two months you were away from each other, the problem will return.
Sometimes it's easier to get along when you're not committed or when you're in your best behavior to make sure everything goes well. Unfortunately, very few people have the energy to make that last a lifetime.
He may be testing the waters for a reconciliation but it could be just another step in confirming that moving on is the right thing to do. If you don't have the courage to ask for a reconciliation, wait for him to do it. If that's what he's after, he will ask you. For now, what's the rush? Just enjoy his company.
By alisa, 30, from virginia:
My ex and I have not not seen each other in a couple of months. We made arrangements to meet. I went over to his place and we had a really wonderful time. I think that he was happy to see me. He acted nervous at first, but then he stared and when I looked up he acted like he wasn't looking. We then went out to lunch and had a lovely time. It seemed like old times again. Do you think that he could still have felings for me or was he just enjoying my company? I do want him back, but I want to know if he's stil interested. I'm scared to come out and ask him. HELP
VictorM's advice:
If everything is so wonderful, why did you breakup? There had to be a reason. What makes you think those reasons won't come back? Chances are that unless something drastic happened during those two months you were away from each other, the problem will return.
Sometimes it's easier to get along when you're not committed or when you're in your best behavior to make sure everything goes well. Unfortunately, very few people have the energy to make that last a lifetime.
He may be testing the waters for a reconciliation but it could be just another step in confirming that moving on is the right thing to do. If you don't have the courage to ask for a reconciliation, wait for him to do it. If that's what he's after, he will ask you. For now, what's the rush? Just enjoy his company.
Why do guys ask for your number if they don't call?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 16, 2008
By Mia, 21, from Florida:
Why do guys ask for your number if they don't call..lol. I've met this one guy who happens to have quite a bit in common with me..but because we live like 2 hours away from each other it seems like he doesn't want to really commit to anything more than friends. He's kind of friendly with everyone, but what's weird is when we were at the same place at the same time, he seemed to come up to me a lot but not say anything..more of me starting up convos. When I was standing next to this girl he came to talk to her instead of me. [he knows her too.] When I was talking to another guy, he came up and stood right next to me while we watched everyone play texas hold em. Mind you, this one asked for my number about a year ago and he's only probably called me twice. clearly, he may not be interested. But I'm just wanting some opinions. haha.
VictorM's advice:
Many times, asking for a girl's phone number and getting it is in itself the goal. It's like candy for the male ego, a bragging right. Whether he call the girl or not is a completely different matter. Guys don't even have to like a girl to ask for her phone number; they just need to feel it's a challenge or something to impress their male friends with.
By Mia, 21, from Florida:
Why do guys ask for your number if they don't call..lol. I've met this one guy who happens to have quite a bit in common with me..but because we live like 2 hours away from each other it seems like he doesn't want to really commit to anything more than friends. He's kind of friendly with everyone, but what's weird is when we were at the same place at the same time, he seemed to come up to me a lot but not say anything..more of me starting up convos. When I was standing next to this girl he came to talk to her instead of me. [he knows her too.] When I was talking to another guy, he came up and stood right next to me while we watched everyone play texas hold em. Mind you, this one asked for my number about a year ago and he's only probably called me twice. clearly, he may not be interested. But I'm just wanting some opinions. haha.
VictorM's advice:
Many times, asking for a girl's phone number and getting it is in itself the goal. It's like candy for the male ego, a bragging right. Whether he call the girl or not is a completely different matter. Guys don't even have to like a girl to ask for her phone number; they just need to feel it's a challenge or something to impress their male friends with.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
He says he is really busy
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By Sheryl, 25, from San Diego:
I like this guy at work. We've gone out 6-7 times the past couple months. He was just out of a long relationship and so was I. He seemed really interested in seeing me earlier, however now I am the one to always take the initiative to set up dates. The past couple times when I ask him, he says he is really busy.The last time he said he was busy and made up the next week, however now it's been 2 weeks and he says he has no time. I've asked him if everything is alright or he just doesn't want to see me and he said no, he is just busy. He's weird, I don't really know what he's thinking. But sure he does touch me in the hallways if he sees me and at the same time he is busy to see me. Honestly, I don't know if he likes me or is just playing around. He has this impression that I'm way too perfect. I just wish men could be more honest.
VictorM's advice:
Men are honest. You just have to learn the language. Let me help you:
"I'm really busy" = You don't really excite me much anymore but maybe it's just a phase and there's no point in burning any bridges by telling it to your face. Besides, you'd probably cry and make me feel like a louse, so I'll just evade you for a while to give me time to decide what to do.
"No, I'm just busy" (after you ask if he lost interest) = "Yes, I'm not that excited about you anymore but I'm not ready to tell you that yet."
Touches you in hallways = Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to fuck you if we could work that out without much fuss.
See? It's not that difficult.
By Sheryl, 25, from San Diego:
I like this guy at work. We've gone out 6-7 times the past couple months. He was just out of a long relationship and so was I. He seemed really interested in seeing me earlier, however now I am the one to always take the initiative to set up dates. The past couple times when I ask him, he says he is really busy.The last time he said he was busy and made up the next week, however now it's been 2 weeks and he says he has no time. I've asked him if everything is alright or he just doesn't want to see me and he said no, he is just busy. He's weird, I don't really know what he's thinking. But sure he does touch me in the hallways if he sees me and at the same time he is busy to see me. Honestly, I don't know if he likes me or is just playing around. He has this impression that I'm way too perfect. I just wish men could be more honest.
VictorM's advice:
Men are honest. You just have to learn the language. Let me help you:
"I'm really busy" = You don't really excite me much anymore but maybe it's just a phase and there's no point in burning any bridges by telling it to your face. Besides, you'd probably cry and make me feel like a louse, so I'll just evade you for a while to give me time to decide what to do.
"No, I'm just busy" (after you ask if he lost interest) = "Yes, I'm not that excited about you anymore but I'm not ready to tell you that yet."
Touches you in hallways = Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to fuck you if we could work that out without much fuss.
See? It's not that difficult.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Marina's soap opera continues
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
We broke up. Basically things have been going rough all week. We kept fighting, nothing was working out. Yesterday I told him I want a break, and for that whole day I was so happy I stood up for myself. I havent been that happy since we started dating. He seems to bring me down. There is a girl who constantly gets in the way. They claim they are just friends but she flirts with him infront of me. I told her to stop it as a joke and we laughed, but this stupid whore told him I got angry at her. He started defending her saying he doesnt believe me because Im always jealous. (this is all through texts) I just dont know where we stand. He gives me mixed signals all the time. First hes happy and we have a great day, then hes so depressed and takes it out on me starting a fight. He blames every fight on me and says its my fault. When we were arguing over that girl situation I got sick of it and told him its over in a heat of the moment type of way. He got so furious a mutual friend told me he was throwing things yelling at everyone the next period. (this was in school) He texted me 3 times after saying very mean things and how everything is my fault and he didnt do anything wrong. I didnt answer. We are two very stubborn people and this fight is so stupid. Basically I texted him 2 hours later saying I just wanted to let him know where I stand, and that I want to be with him, and I want to know where he stands. He said he does not want to be in a relationship right now, and I told him its alright and sincerly told him I hope everything works out well for him. He answered by saying I was talking trash about him with the people at my lunch table when I really wasnt because I dont trust them. (the girl sits at my table) In the end I said I do not want to keep fighting with him, that Im sorry it didnt work out, and that I am not against him. He said he doesnt want to talk right now and I never answered. I really have no reason to stay with him. I don’t know why but I cant stop liking him. I just need to be comforted all the time. I need to feel safe and I need to have someone around. But he hurts me so much. At the same time I cant let go. I want him to myself. I want him to want to be with me. I feel so stupid between him and the girl because she is getting what she wants and I am losing it. I know that there are certain things you can say to a guy to make it right. I want to fix it. What should I do?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 16, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
Today- he got mad at me because someone walked me to class and when I texted him to have my chapstick back he said he'll give it to the kid when he doesnt know him. he made stupid comments like that. Later on today I found out that he was talking and still is talking to a girl behind my back. I think they hooked up while I was with him. Basically cheated on me. What am I going to do.
VictorM's answer:
Marina... I'm going to have to create a web page just to answer your questions. :-p Actually, why don't you join the forum? You'd fit right in with Monica and Dottie: you all can't let go of guys that don't appear to want you but they can't let go of you either. I'm serious. Join the forum.
Anyway... you know what to do, you just can't muster enough will power to do it. And now pride is complicating the issue. Go back to my earlier advice and try some of the suggestions I gave you. There is no simple answer. Just keep trying.
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
We broke up. Basically things have been going rough all week. We kept fighting, nothing was working out. Yesterday I told him I want a break, and for that whole day I was so happy I stood up for myself. I havent been that happy since we started dating. He seems to bring me down. There is a girl who constantly gets in the way. They claim they are just friends but she flirts with him infront of me. I told her to stop it as a joke and we laughed, but this stupid whore told him I got angry at her. He started defending her saying he doesnt believe me because Im always jealous. (this is all through texts) I just dont know where we stand. He gives me mixed signals all the time. First hes happy and we have a great day, then hes so depressed and takes it out on me starting a fight. He blames every fight on me and says its my fault. When we were arguing over that girl situation I got sick of it and told him its over in a heat of the moment type of way. He got so furious a mutual friend told me he was throwing things yelling at everyone the next period. (this was in school) He texted me 3 times after saying very mean things and how everything is my fault and he didnt do anything wrong. I didnt answer. We are two very stubborn people and this fight is so stupid. Basically I texted him 2 hours later saying I just wanted to let him know where I stand, and that I want to be with him, and I want to know where he stands. He said he does not want to be in a relationship right now, and I told him its alright and sincerly told him I hope everything works out well for him. He answered by saying I was talking trash about him with the people at my lunch table when I really wasnt because I dont trust them. (the girl sits at my table) In the end I said I do not want to keep fighting with him, that Im sorry it didnt work out, and that I am not against him. He said he doesnt want to talk right now and I never answered. I really have no reason to stay with him. I don’t know why but I cant stop liking him. I just need to be comforted all the time. I need to feel safe and I need to have someone around. But he hurts me so much. At the same time I cant let go. I want him to myself. I want him to want to be with me. I feel so stupid between him and the girl because she is getting what she wants and I am losing it. I know that there are certain things you can say to a guy to make it right. I want to fix it. What should I do?
Submitted on Wednesday, April 16, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
Today- he got mad at me because someone walked me to class and when I texted him to have my chapstick back he said he'll give it to the kid when he doesnt know him. he made stupid comments like that. Later on today I found out that he was talking and still is talking to a girl behind my back. I think they hooked up while I was with him. Basically cheated on me. What am I going to do.
VictorM's answer:
Marina... I'm going to have to create a web page just to answer your questions. :-p Actually, why don't you join the forum? You'd fit right in with Monica and Dottie: you all can't let go of guys that don't appear to want you but they can't let go of you either. I'm serious. Join the forum.
Anyway... you know what to do, you just can't muster enough will power to do it. And now pride is complicating the issue. Go back to my earlier advice and try some of the suggestions I gave you. There is no simple answer. Just keep trying.
He never calls on the phone
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By michelle, 42, from middle east:
I met this man during my embed in Iraq. I am a journalist and he works there . We started emailing and met several times. We have been emailing for one year but he never calls on the phone. He even sent just an email when his flight got messed up when we were supposed to meet which left me in Jordan waiting for him for a day. I have mentioned this to him . He has called twice in this year period. His emails even say he loves me. Now..I divorced one and half years ago after being married for more than 20 years. This relationship that I am speaking of is the only one I have had since I divorced. I am afraid that I have not learned much and feel stuck . I do need the man I am involved with to call on occasion.
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally aren't very fond of using the phone. But twice in a year sounds scarce, specially since you made a point to mention it to him. Sounds like a sign that this man is not as attentive with you as you'd like.
If having a relationship with an attentive man is a priority for you, well... let your fingers do the walking and keep searching. The last thing you want to do is ignore troubling signs. After 20 years married, maybe you should shop around a little more anyway.
By michelle, 42, from middle east:
I met this man during my embed in Iraq. I am a journalist and he works there . We started emailing and met several times. We have been emailing for one year but he never calls on the phone. He even sent just an email when his flight got messed up when we were supposed to meet which left me in Jordan waiting for him for a day. I have mentioned this to him . He has called twice in this year period. His emails even say he loves me. Now..I divorced one and half years ago after being married for more than 20 years. This relationship that I am speaking of is the only one I have had since I divorced. I am afraid that I have not learned much and feel stuck . I do need the man I am involved with to call on occasion.
VictorM's advice:
Guys generally aren't very fond of using the phone. But twice in a year sounds scarce, specially since you made a point to mention it to him. Sounds like a sign that this man is not as attentive with you as you'd like.
If having a relationship with an attentive man is a priority for you, well... let your fingers do the walking and keep searching. The last thing you want to do is ignore troubling signs. After 20 years married, maybe you should shop around a little more anyway.
Dress to impress
Submitted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Hi Victor: It has been awhile since I contacted you. I hope I may ask your advice once again (you are always so helpful) on my continuing efforts (details follow).
My earlier correspondence to you was about a man (professional) where I work. You provided terrific suggestions and per your advice, I did wait, and asked him again to lunch. And once again, he was very enthusiastic, smiled, and said, "lunch will be great fun, I look forward to it". He did, however, mention he would be travelling overseas (two trips at the beginning of the term; out-of-the-country for 4 weeks) and that his current teaching load (undergrad/graduate) is very full (100+ students). Between the travelling, teaching/research work loads, etc., it has taken some time, to get a lunch date rescheduled. During this time we have kept up communication, speak to each other when we meet in the hallways, discuss weekend activities, etc., and I still catch him staring at me. An important note: I did find out that his divorce was final in November 2007 and that he has been granted shared custody of his children. Since it isn't my intention to overwhelm the fellow...any advice, comments, help, in this regard is greatly appreciated!
I don't want to appear to be too eager, but, I would like to make an impression (visually) on him. Do you have any suggestions on what I should wear at our lunch? We will both be at work, and my clothing must be work appropriate, but again, I would like to make a impression... Your advice about restaurants was a great idea, and he responded about a new restaurant that he frequents and where we will have lunch.
As always, thanks Victor!!!
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Hi Victor: It has been awhile since I contacted you. I hope I may ask your advice once again (you are always so helpful) on my continuing efforts (details follow).
My earlier correspondence to you was about a man (professional) where I work. You provided terrific suggestions and per your advice, I did wait, and asked him again to lunch. And once again, he was very enthusiastic, smiled, and said, "lunch will be great fun, I look forward to it". He did, however, mention he would be travelling overseas (two trips at the beginning of the term; out-of-the-country for 4 weeks) and that his current teaching load (undergrad/graduate) is very full (100+ students). Between the travelling, teaching/research work loads, etc., it has taken some time, to get a lunch date rescheduled. During this time we have kept up communication, speak to each other when we meet in the hallways, discuss weekend activities, etc., and I still catch him staring at me. An important note: I did find out that his divorce was final in November 2007 and that he has been granted shared custody of his children. Since it isn't my intention to overwhelm the fellow...any advice, comments, help, in this regard is greatly appreciated!
I don't want to appear to be too eager, but, I would like to make an impression (visually) on him. Do you have any suggestions on what I should wear at our lunch? We will both be at work, and my clothing must be work appropriate, but again, I would like to make a impression... Your advice about restaurants was a great idea, and he responded about a new restaurant that he frequents and where we will have lunch.
As always, thanks Victor!!!