Monday, March 31, 2008
Busy boyfriend
Submitted on Saturday, March 29, 2008
By charianna, 17, from oden:
How do you love a boyfriend that is busy all the time?
VictorM's answer:
Quickies.
By charianna, 17, from oden:
How do you love a boyfriend that is busy all the time?
VictorM's answer:
Quickies.
He asked me if I was single
Submitted on Saturday, March 29, 2008
By Alexandra, 21, from Florida:
Dear Victor,
My guy friend who disappeared is turning 21 on April 1st. My female friends said that if I'm interested in him romantically I shouldn't contact him because he disappeared on me, has given me the silent treatment, and he's probably playing games with me. What do you think? Should I message him? We were great friends for 5 months. Would it look desperate?
Another unrelated question:
I went to a fraternity party with a girl friend for the first time. The guys weren’t talking to me at first but as the night went by people were drinking and everyone was talking to each other. I'm not a big fan of drinking but I did have one in my hand. A guy came up to me and we started talking and eventually he asked me if I was single and how were my exes. I told him that "well, I never had anything serious." I didn't want to come out and say I never had a boyfriend, kissed or have sex, albeit I think he took it the wrong way and thought I was a swinger. So when guys ask me about past relationships what should I say?
PS I've written to you twice before with pictures. The submissions were on 3/22/08 and 3/24/08.
PSS My confidence come from knowing that I can achieve things and that I'm fun to talk to. Physical appearance wise, my mom (a model/business woman) said it's not important because it fades. I think that's why I'm never sure about my appearance.
VictoM's advice:
I think your female friends' advice is full of shit. If you're interested in the guy, try to make contact with him. Would it look desperate? Of course not; you'd just look interested, which is not a bad thing.
I don't believe the guy at the party thought you were a swinger. Your answer seemed pretty good to me and you should use it next time, unless you prefer to use "none of your business". :)
Your mom saying beauty is not important is like a filthy rich person saying money doesn't matter -- neither would want to part with what they've got. Beauty is not everything but it sure is nicer than being ugly to the bone. And it doesn't matter that it will fade, what matters is that during the peak of the dating stage of your life it is an asset in attracting mates.
By Alexandra, 21, from Florida:
Dear Victor,
My guy friend who disappeared is turning 21 on April 1st. My female friends said that if I'm interested in him romantically I shouldn't contact him because he disappeared on me, has given me the silent treatment, and he's probably playing games with me. What do you think? Should I message him? We were great friends for 5 months. Would it look desperate?
Another unrelated question:
I went to a fraternity party with a girl friend for the first time. The guys weren’t talking to me at first but as the night went by people were drinking and everyone was talking to each other. I'm not a big fan of drinking but I did have one in my hand. A guy came up to me and we started talking and eventually he asked me if I was single and how were my exes. I told him that "well, I never had anything serious." I didn't want to come out and say I never had a boyfriend, kissed or have sex, albeit I think he took it the wrong way and thought I was a swinger. So when guys ask me about past relationships what should I say?
PS I've written to you twice before with pictures. The submissions were on 3/22/08 and 3/24/08.
PSS My confidence come from knowing that I can achieve things and that I'm fun to talk to. Physical appearance wise, my mom (a model/business woman) said it's not important because it fades. I think that's why I'm never sure about my appearance.
VictoM's advice:
I think your female friends' advice is full of shit. If you're interested in the guy, try to make contact with him. Would it look desperate? Of course not; you'd just look interested, which is not a bad thing.
I don't believe the guy at the party thought you were a swinger. Your answer seemed pretty good to me and you should use it next time, unless you prefer to use "none of your business". :)
Your mom saying beauty is not important is like a filthy rich person saying money doesn't matter -- neither would want to part with what they've got. Beauty is not everything but it sure is nicer than being ugly to the bone. And it doesn't matter that it will fade, what matters is that during the peak of the dating stage of your life it is an asset in attracting mates.
It was really sweet of you
Submitted on Friday, March 28, 2008
By Lucy, 19, from Australia:
Hey Victor!
You must be sick of me by now, but I find your help invaluable even though my questions are somewhat trivial! :) so thanks.. this time, my question is still related to my ex..
we went to a party last night- my best friend, my ex and all of his friends. My ex was sitting outside on the deck with his head in his hands, so my maternal instinct kicked in, and I went to check if he was feeling OK. Turns out that he was sick (a mixture of a cold and too much alcohol at pre-drinks!!) and I went to the bar and got him a glass of water- nothing really. After that, I was talking to my friend and one of my ex's friends, and my ex came up behind me and put his arm around my waist, like he used to when we were going out and stayed like that for about 2 minutes while we were all talking. His friend looked at him and he dropped his arm, but then whispered in my ear "thanks for the water, it was really sweet of you. I also got out of work next weekend so I can come to your party, looking forward to it."
OK so I might be reading too much into it and he could be playing with me, but do I forget it? His friend asked if I would start dating him and my excuse not to was that I wanted to sort out the problems with my ex first seeing as it was such a messy break-up.
Any pointers would be great thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, you're reading too much into it. You got him water, it was sweet of you, and he said so as a way fo thanking you for doing it. That's all.
By the way, messy break-ups have a very low record of turning around and yielding successful relationships. There are reasons why the break up was messy and those reasons aren't likely to have gone away.
By Lucy, 19, from Australia:
Hey Victor!
You must be sick of me by now, but I find your help invaluable even though my questions are somewhat trivial! :) so thanks.. this time, my question is still related to my ex..
we went to a party last night- my best friend, my ex and all of his friends. My ex was sitting outside on the deck with his head in his hands, so my maternal instinct kicked in, and I went to check if he was feeling OK. Turns out that he was sick (a mixture of a cold and too much alcohol at pre-drinks!!) and I went to the bar and got him a glass of water- nothing really. After that, I was talking to my friend and one of my ex's friends, and my ex came up behind me and put his arm around my waist, like he used to when we were going out and stayed like that for about 2 minutes while we were all talking. His friend looked at him and he dropped his arm, but then whispered in my ear "thanks for the water, it was really sweet of you. I also got out of work next weekend so I can come to your party, looking forward to it."
OK so I might be reading too much into it and he could be playing with me, but do I forget it? His friend asked if I would start dating him and my excuse not to was that I wanted to sort out the problems with my ex first seeing as it was such a messy break-up.
Any pointers would be great thanks Victor!
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, you're reading too much into it. You got him water, it was sweet of you, and he said so as a way fo thanking you for doing it. That's all.
By the way, messy break-ups have a very low record of turning around and yielding successful relationships. There are reasons why the break up was messy and those reasons aren't likely to have gone away.
100% body fat
Submitted on Friday, March 28, 2008
By Severa Meadowlark, 13, from San Diego, California:
Hey,
Can you tell Me if this one guy likes me? Well he always stares into my eyes, he flirts with me a lot, he makes stupid comments like you are a 100% body fat JK JK JK JK, he always does that...says something rude but it seems like he is telling me that he thinks the exact opposite. Can you help me out please please!
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you. Boys around your age do insulting jokes when they like a girl. It's just a way of getting your attention without getting mushy cause then his friends would call him a girl.
By Severa Meadowlark, 13, from San Diego, California:
Hey,
Can you tell Me if this one guy likes me? Well he always stares into my eyes, he flirts with me a lot, he makes stupid comments like you are a 100% body fat JK JK JK JK, he always does that...says something rude but it seems like he is telling me that he thinks the exact opposite. Can you help me out please please!
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you. Boys around your age do insulting jokes when they like a girl. It's just a way of getting your attention without getting mushy cause then his friends would call him a girl.
Chronically shy
Submitted on Friday, March 28, 2008
By Kelly, 31, from NC:
I don't know if you know much about someone being chronically shy but I dated this guy whose 37 and has never really been in a serious relationship. I was his longest relationship and that was only a month. The words "I love you" were exchanged but not until he broke if off after a week and then saying he just didn't know what he as thinking but he actually loves me. Our relationship was WONDERFUL!!! We had so much fun together and I fell so hard for him. Unfortunetly something happened and I'm not sure what it was. He was suppose to come over and thought I didn't want him to and I wanted him to come over but thought he didn't want to and it made things weird for us and didn't speak at work for almost two days. Then he tells me that he wants to break up because he's not in love anymore. Why would he tell me this with tears in his eyes??? How could he just fall out of love so fast?? Did he get scared because he's never been in a serious relationship anymore? Why did he ask me what I saw in him? Why can't he see that the way he treated me was why I fell in love with him??? The next day at work, he acted like we've never met. I have to see him everyday and it kills me because I have no clue what happened between us! Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
There is usually no one reason we can point a finger at to explain exactly what made us fall in love with someone, and likewise, often there's no specific reason we can point a finger at when that feeling ends. The best we can do is to recognize it, say it (even if we feel bad about about it), and move on with our lives.
That you work together makes things more complicated, but he's made his decision and seems determined to carry it out.
By Kelly, 31, from NC:
I don't know if you know much about someone being chronically shy but I dated this guy whose 37 and has never really been in a serious relationship. I was his longest relationship and that was only a month. The words "I love you" were exchanged but not until he broke if off after a week and then saying he just didn't know what he as thinking but he actually loves me. Our relationship was WONDERFUL!!! We had so much fun together and I fell so hard for him. Unfortunetly something happened and I'm not sure what it was. He was suppose to come over and thought I didn't want him to and I wanted him to come over but thought he didn't want to and it made things weird for us and didn't speak at work for almost two days. Then he tells me that he wants to break up because he's not in love anymore. Why would he tell me this with tears in his eyes??? How could he just fall out of love so fast?? Did he get scared because he's never been in a serious relationship anymore? Why did he ask me what I saw in him? Why can't he see that the way he treated me was why I fell in love with him??? The next day at work, he acted like we've never met. I have to see him everyday and it kills me because I have no clue what happened between us! Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
There is usually no one reason we can point a finger at to explain exactly what made us fall in love with someone, and likewise, often there's no specific reason we can point a finger at when that feeling ends. The best we can do is to recognize it, say it (even if we feel bad about about it), and move on with our lives.
That you work together makes things more complicated, but he's made his decision and seems determined to carry it out.
We ended up making out
Submitted on Thursday, March 27, 2008
By Amy, 19, from Florida:
Me and this guy, who is 10 years older then me, work together we become friends and started to hang out outside work. Last time when we were with each other, we ended up making out with other and messing around. But he has a girlfriend and their hate each other right now. We agreed that it would just be sex between us. So we have been doing this for a week and now he is flirting with me more at work and when we hang out he holds my hand and we cuddle and just talk for hours and we still have sex with each other. Is he still thinking this is just friends with benefits or I’m just read too much into it?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that you're still friends with benefits. Why do I say this? Because even a guy scummy enough to be a cheater would think twice about getting serious with a girl like you. But then again, who knows, you're two of a kind, so maybe his standards are low enough to fall for you.
By Amy, 19, from Florida:
Me and this guy, who is 10 years older then me, work together we become friends and started to hang out outside work. Last time when we were with each other, we ended up making out with other and messing around. But he has a girlfriend and their hate each other right now. We agreed that it would just be sex between us. So we have been doing this for a week and now he is flirting with me more at work and when we hang out he holds my hand and we cuddle and just talk for hours and we still have sex with each other. Is he still thinking this is just friends with benefits or I’m just read too much into it?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that you're still friends with benefits. Why do I say this? Because even a guy scummy enough to be a cheater would think twice about getting serious with a girl like you. But then again, who knows, you're two of a kind, so maybe his standards are low enough to fall for you.
Friday, March 28, 2008
I asked if he was married
Submitted on Friday, March 28, 2008
By laura, 41, from scotland:
Hi..I was seeing my boyfriend for 4 months and everything had been going great. I was in no doubt that he was into me! He would text me all hours of the day and night, tell me he loved being with me, loved kissing me, was dying to see me etc...He lived 50 miles from me and I don't drive, so he would be the one driving to see me. I did offer to get the train down to where he stayed..but the pattern was that he would come to me....anyway..after 4 months I still hadn't been to the area that he lived. I did trust him, but it was starting to concern me a little that he wanted to see where I grew up, but I'd never even been to his home town...He lives with his brother and they don't get on, and from the snippets I got about their house..it sounded like a dump! He had to work late on valentines..and I had a totally insecure moment!..I sent him a couple of text msgs saying that I was major pissed off, felt like he was hiding something, and asked if he was married, etc!..although deep down, i didn't think he was. I've been really hurt before and was trying to save myself going through it again!...since then he basically hasn't contacted me..I've txt him loads of time and apologized till I'm blue in the face..i know what i done was wrong...all he says is that he's not ignoring me, but he really doesn't know what to think or say just now!...I've even asked him does he want things to be finished, but he just says he doesn't know what to say just now...doesn't know what he wants!...I txt him again yesterday..this time i just said that i still wanted to see him sometime, just wanted him to know that!..he txt straight back..this time he seemed more his normal self, and asked if i was ok?...so at least this time he was opening up communication, which i thought was a positive sign that all was not lost!...his aunt had died and he is sorting out the legal stuff as she had no family!..Do you think i've totally blown this relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say but it's not uncommon for a guy to go quiet while he either sulks or ponders something that happened. Since he's started to reply, sounds like he's getting over the lack of trust.
But, even if your approach was poor, you still should get to know more about the man. He should understand that you need to more about him. Next time just explain that nicely rather than in anger.
By laura, 41, from scotland:
Hi..I was seeing my boyfriend for 4 months and everything had been going great. I was in no doubt that he was into me! He would text me all hours of the day and night, tell me he loved being with me, loved kissing me, was dying to see me etc...He lived 50 miles from me and I don't drive, so he would be the one driving to see me. I did offer to get the train down to where he stayed..but the pattern was that he would come to me....anyway..after 4 months I still hadn't been to the area that he lived. I did trust him, but it was starting to concern me a little that he wanted to see where I grew up, but I'd never even been to his home town...He lives with his brother and they don't get on, and from the snippets I got about their house..it sounded like a dump! He had to work late on valentines..and I had a totally insecure moment!..I sent him a couple of text msgs saying that I was major pissed off, felt like he was hiding something, and asked if he was married, etc!..although deep down, i didn't think he was. I've been really hurt before and was trying to save myself going through it again!...since then he basically hasn't contacted me..I've txt him loads of time and apologized till I'm blue in the face..i know what i done was wrong...all he says is that he's not ignoring me, but he really doesn't know what to think or say just now!...I've even asked him does he want things to be finished, but he just says he doesn't know what to say just now...doesn't know what he wants!...I txt him again yesterday..this time i just said that i still wanted to see him sometime, just wanted him to know that!..he txt straight back..this time he seemed more his normal self, and asked if i was ok?...so at least this time he was opening up communication, which i thought was a positive sign that all was not lost!...his aunt had died and he is sorting out the legal stuff as she had no family!..Do you think i've totally blown this relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say but it's not uncommon for a guy to go quiet while he either sulks or ponders something that happened. Since he's started to reply, sounds like he's getting over the lack of trust.
But, even if your approach was poor, you still should get to know more about the man. He should understand that you need to more about him. Next time just explain that nicely rather than in anger.
I can't tell if he feels the same
Submitted on Wednesday, March 26, 2008
By Nicole, 20, from sacramento:
I really really like my guy friend and I can't tell if he feels the same. One night he said: " We're probably going to date sometime" and when we went to visit his friends he aked if I should be introduced as his girlfriend but he jokes sometimes and I couldn't tell so I laughed it off. He touches me often and I usually pull away. So is he really into me or just trying to joke around and should I try anything?
VictorM's advice:
Stop pulling away.
I think he likes you.
By Nicole, 20, from sacramento:
I really really like my guy friend and I can't tell if he feels the same. One night he said: " We're probably going to date sometime" and when we went to visit his friends he aked if I should be introduced as his girlfriend but he jokes sometimes and I couldn't tell so I laughed it off. He touches me often and I usually pull away. So is he really into me or just trying to joke around and should I try anything?
VictorM's advice:
Stop pulling away.
I think he likes you.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Pretty and smart
Submitted on Wednesday, March 26, 2008
By noelle, 14, from florida:
I am pretty and smart, so how come no guys flirt with me, or seem to like me?
VictorM's advice:
In part, because you're pretty and smart. That scares a lot of boys your age away. They'd rather chase the easy and average.
So... 14 year old smelly boys who masturbating 1o times a day, don't even know how to wipe their butts properly, and don't change underwear and socks with any degree with consistency aren't chasing you yet? You're lucky.
By noelle, 14, from florida:
I am pretty and smart, so how come no guys flirt with me, or seem to like me?
VictorM's advice:
In part, because you're pretty and smart. That scares a lot of boys your age away. They'd rather chase the easy and average.
So... 14 year old smelly boys who masturbating 1o times a day, don't even know how to wipe their butts properly, and don't change underwear and socks with any degree with consistency aren't chasing you yet? You're lucky.
Here's where it gets tricky
Submitted on Wednesday, March 26, 2008
By Leigh, 38, from Canada:
Ok....Not exactly sure if this is it but I started dating a man last April...We ended it but remained friends. Here's where it gets tricky! We haven't ended it so much so that he invites me to his place...and out with his friends...yes ..sometimes we are still intimate while other times...we just cuddle for the night :S...We talk just about everyday through msn or texting. Heres the part that I just don't understand...he knows I have fallen in love with him and he tells me that I should move along when I express how much it hurts me and yet when I do this...he is finding ways to let me know..he is thinking about me! Are we or aren't we this so called *friends with benefits*...please define this for me!
VictorM's advice:
Make no mistake about it: you are just friends with benefits.
Why does he say things that make you pause? Certainly not because he's in love with you. He just enjoys the attention he gets from you. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards you; he's just stroking his own ego.
By Leigh, 38, from Canada:
Ok....Not exactly sure if this is it but I started dating a man last April...We ended it but remained friends. Here's where it gets tricky! We haven't ended it so much so that he invites me to his place...and out with his friends...yes ..sometimes we are still intimate while other times...we just cuddle for the night :S...We talk just about everyday through msn or texting. Heres the part that I just don't understand...he knows I have fallen in love with him and he tells me that I should move along when I express how much it hurts me and yet when I do this...he is finding ways to let me know..he is thinking about me! Are we or aren't we this so called *friends with benefits*...please define this for me!
VictorM's advice:
Make no mistake about it: you are just friends with benefits.
Why does he say things that make you pause? Certainly not because he's in love with you. He just enjoys the attention he gets from you. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards you; he's just stroking his own ego.
My boyfriend thinks he's funny, but he's not
Submitted on Tuesday, March 25, 2008
By Alex, 22, from New York:
The bs female advice sites have failed me, so I'm turning to you. My boyfriend thinks he's funny, but he's not. He thinks that constantly asking me for anal (been there, bought the t-shirt and threw it out cause I hated it) is an in-joke between us, or possibly a form of flirting, as is harassing me for sex and bj's when he knows I'm not in the mood. I'm not saying our sex life is by any means perfect but I'm constantly working to improve it, and this is just getting irritating.
I've explained to him on numerous occasions that doing this, while possibly cute for about 30 seconds, is a) a turn off, b) makes me angry and, most importantly, c) makes me feel like a terrible gf who can't give him what he wants. It's gotten so bad on occasion that he's made me cry, which he obviously doesn't like, but still he doesn't seem to get the message.
I'm all about communication in relationships but at this point I'm afraid to start a conversation about it again, as I've done so to no avail so many times, and I don't want to sound like I'm nagging. But if I wait till he does it and tell him no, he whines or gets pissy. I honestly think he thinks this is the best way to "sex me up" as he puts it, and I love him dearly, but it's NOT, so why on EARTH does he keep doing it??
VictorM's advice:
You assume that his behavior is something he should be able to change easily. But it's not so. I don't know about his background, but it wouldn't surprise me if he grew up in an environment where if he wanted attention he had to do something, if not positive, then negative, to get it. He's used to the chaos and upheaval it generates. He's willing to haggle and put up with some fuss as long as it eventually gets him what he wants. That's probably how he ever got anything in life. It's deeply embedded in him. Based on your different upbringing being that way makes no sense, but to him, it's survival.
Your boyfriend is the type of guy who wants your attention above all, be it positive attention or negative attention. Love him or scream at him, it doesn't matter much; you're giving him the attention he craves.
You need to stop giving him that attention when he talks that way to you.
He sees no need to change, despite your objections, because his behavior is getting him what he wants. Let's see... have you broken up with him? No. I'm even willing to bet that after you fight or cry you have great make-up sex, but even if not, he still gets your undivided attention. So, whether you realize it or not, he's getting what he wants, being exactly the way he has always been. Why should he stop now when it's working for him?
You can't talk, yell, or cry him into changing. What you have to do is make his behavior produce failure. That means, he has to lose, not gain, your attention when he talks in ways you object. So stop getting mad, stop yelling, stop crying. Every time he talks that way, make him lose your attention. Walk away without anger. Just walk up and leave. If he asks what's going on, just say in a calm tone of voice: "If you're going to talk that way, you're going to be talking to yourself." If he calls you immature, sensitive, you can't take a joke, etc. just say: "I don't think so, but if it makes you happy to believe it, go right ahead." And keep walking away, being calm, even polite, but mostly ignoring him. And of course, no sex!
It's important that you understand this: your boyfriend feeds off your attention, both negative and positive. Stop giving it to him when he acts like a jerk. (This advice, by the way, works for other behavior that gets your negative attention, not just the sexual remarks).
By Alex, 22, from New York:
The bs female advice sites have failed me, so I'm turning to you. My boyfriend thinks he's funny, but he's not. He thinks that constantly asking me for anal (been there, bought the t-shirt and threw it out cause I hated it) is an in-joke between us, or possibly a form of flirting, as is harassing me for sex and bj's when he knows I'm not in the mood. I'm not saying our sex life is by any means perfect but I'm constantly working to improve it, and this is just getting irritating.
I've explained to him on numerous occasions that doing this, while possibly cute for about 30 seconds, is a) a turn off, b) makes me angry and, most importantly, c) makes me feel like a terrible gf who can't give him what he wants. It's gotten so bad on occasion that he's made me cry, which he obviously doesn't like, but still he doesn't seem to get the message.
I'm all about communication in relationships but at this point I'm afraid to start a conversation about it again, as I've done so to no avail so many times, and I don't want to sound like I'm nagging. But if I wait till he does it and tell him no, he whines or gets pissy. I honestly think he thinks this is the best way to "sex me up" as he puts it, and I love him dearly, but it's NOT, so why on EARTH does he keep doing it??
VictorM's advice:
You assume that his behavior is something he should be able to change easily. But it's not so. I don't know about his background, but it wouldn't surprise me if he grew up in an environment where if he wanted attention he had to do something, if not positive, then negative, to get it. He's used to the chaos and upheaval it generates. He's willing to haggle and put up with some fuss as long as it eventually gets him what he wants. That's probably how he ever got anything in life. It's deeply embedded in him. Based on your different upbringing being that way makes no sense, but to him, it's survival.
Your boyfriend is the type of guy who wants your attention above all, be it positive attention or negative attention. Love him or scream at him, it doesn't matter much; you're giving him the attention he craves.
You need to stop giving him that attention when he talks that way to you.
He sees no need to change, despite your objections, because his behavior is getting him what he wants. Let's see... have you broken up with him? No. I'm even willing to bet that after you fight or cry you have great make-up sex, but even if not, he still gets your undivided attention. So, whether you realize it or not, he's getting what he wants, being exactly the way he has always been. Why should he stop now when it's working for him?
You can't talk, yell, or cry him into changing. What you have to do is make his behavior produce failure. That means, he has to lose, not gain, your attention when he talks in ways you object. So stop getting mad, stop yelling, stop crying. Every time he talks that way, make him lose your attention. Walk away without anger. Just walk up and leave. If he asks what's going on, just say in a calm tone of voice: "If you're going to talk that way, you're going to be talking to yourself." If he calls you immature, sensitive, you can't take a joke, etc. just say: "I don't think so, but if it makes you happy to believe it, go right ahead." And keep walking away, being calm, even polite, but mostly ignoring him. And of course, no sex!
It's important that you understand this: your boyfriend feeds off your attention, both negative and positive. Stop giving it to him when he acts like a jerk. (This advice, by the way, works for other behavior that gets your negative attention, not just the sexual remarks).
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sometimes he is plain mean
Submitted on Tuesday, March 25, 2008
By lala, 14, from new york:
ok there is this guy i like. sometimes it seems like he likes me but sometimes he is plain mean. i'm kind of short so he used to calls me midget but doesn't anymore. he is alway trying to get my attention. always stares at me but once i look at him he smiles and looks away. does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. There's no doubt about it.
There was nothing mean about calling you midget; he meant it as a term of endearment. It was just a way to get your attention.
When you look at him, do you smile? Go ahead, do it. You own this boy. Go ahead; make him pay for it. :)
By lala, 14, from new york:
ok there is this guy i like. sometimes it seems like he likes me but sometimes he is plain mean. i'm kind of short so he used to calls me midget but doesn't anymore. he is alway trying to get my attention. always stares at me but once i look at him he smiles and looks away. does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. There's no doubt about it.
There was nothing mean about calling you midget; he meant it as a term of endearment. It was just a way to get your attention.
When you look at him, do you smile? Go ahead, do it. You own this boy. Go ahead; make him pay for it. :)
I've been seeing a guy who is a marine
Submitted on Tuesday, March 25, 2008
By Tammy, 19, from Colorado:
I've been seeing a guy who is a marine when he's home on leave going on three years now. There's a lot of chemistry, we have a lot of fun, but he hasn't committed to anything more and I don't know whether to give up or give it a little longer to see how it goes. He emailed me a lot while he was in Iraq. He had flowers, candy, and a stuffed dog sent to me for Valentine's Day. He's home from Iraq now and called me from NC first thing. When he arrived in Denver on leave, he texted me first thing and came and picked me up to hang out. We even watched TV for a while with his dad. A week later, he introduced me to his mom. They are divorced and live in different towns. But, then, a week will go by where I don't hear from him. I know when he's home he has 2 families to spend time with and buddies to hang out with. He's got another year left in the marines and will be stationed in NC. Is be being noncommittal because he's not here? Or, what? What do you think? It would be nice to get a guys perspective on this. Thanks! :-)
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea about his intentions but one week without contacting you, while I understand you don't like it, has no reflection on his feelings for you or his intentions towards you. When a guy gets immersed in something (work, hobby, friends, family, etc) times flies.
Guys are notorious for focusing on one thing at a time. Guys don't have to need to be told they're loved all the time and that you're thinking of them, and lots of guys don't realize that most girls aren't the same way.
He pays you lots of attention, introduced you to his loved ones, and feels strongly enough about your relationship that constant contact isn't needed.
That's a guy's perspective for you.
By Tammy, 19, from Colorado:
I've been seeing a guy who is a marine when he's home on leave going on three years now. There's a lot of chemistry, we have a lot of fun, but he hasn't committed to anything more and I don't know whether to give up or give it a little longer to see how it goes. He emailed me a lot while he was in Iraq. He had flowers, candy, and a stuffed dog sent to me for Valentine's Day. He's home from Iraq now and called me from NC first thing. When he arrived in Denver on leave, he texted me first thing and came and picked me up to hang out. We even watched TV for a while with his dad. A week later, he introduced me to his mom. They are divorced and live in different towns. But, then, a week will go by where I don't hear from him. I know when he's home he has 2 families to spend time with and buddies to hang out with. He's got another year left in the marines and will be stationed in NC. Is be being noncommittal because he's not here? Or, what? What do you think? It would be nice to get a guys perspective on this. Thanks! :-)
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea about his intentions but one week without contacting you, while I understand you don't like it, has no reflection on his feelings for you or his intentions towards you. When a guy gets immersed in something (work, hobby, friends, family, etc) times flies.
Guys are notorious for focusing on one thing at a time. Guys don't have to need to be told they're loved all the time and that you're thinking of them, and lots of guys don't realize that most girls aren't the same way.
He pays you lots of attention, introduced you to his loved ones, and feels strongly enough about your relationship that constant contact isn't needed.
That's a guy's perspective for you.
I met a great guy this weekend
Submitted on Tuesday, March 25, 2008
By Kelly, 23, from MN:
I met a great guy this weekend and we danced all night, he ended up giving me his number so I text him that night casually and asked him if he would like to hang out soon. He said yes so I called him a few days later. We talked about doing something this week but he said he might be going out of town but would let me know. He did say though he wanted to hang out if he stays home. He was supposed to leave today if he was going and I haven't heard from him. I was wondering if it is to "pushy" if I text him tomorrow casually to see what he is up too? Should I just wait or do guys like it when girls take the initative?
VictorM's advice:
It all depends on your intentions. If what you want above all is a date for the weekend, by all means call him. If what you want is to find out if he really is as great as you think he is then wait to see if he calls you and shows you the consideration you deserve.
By Kelly, 23, from MN:
I met a great guy this weekend and we danced all night, he ended up giving me his number so I text him that night casually and asked him if he would like to hang out soon. He said yes so I called him a few days later. We talked about doing something this week but he said he might be going out of town but would let me know. He did say though he wanted to hang out if he stays home. He was supposed to leave today if he was going and I haven't heard from him. I was wondering if it is to "pushy" if I text him tomorrow casually to see what he is up too? Should I just wait or do guys like it when girls take the initative?
VictorM's advice:
It all depends on your intentions. If what you want above all is a date for the weekend, by all means call him. If what you want is to find out if he really is as great as you think he is then wait to see if he calls you and shows you the consideration you deserve.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Message to D
Read the comments in your original post (click here). I replied to your latest War and Peace submission. :)
A few weeks ago I realized I still like him
Submitted on Monday, March 24, 2008
By Maria, 16, from ...:
I like this guy. We just met in August of last year but we didn't start hanging out until a few months ago. We're pretty good friends now. I used to like him but I never told my friend's because they have a problem with keeping their mouths shut. Then I got over him. But then my friend's started saying I did like him just joking around and stuff. Then a few weeks ago I realized I still like him. Sometimes I think he likes me, but sometimes I don't. He acts different when it is just us, but when my friend's are there he acts different. I've looked on the internet for ways to know if he likes me. Sometimes he does those things and sometimes he doesn't. One of my friend's even think he likes me. But I'm so confused. Can you help?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. How do I know? Changed behavior between being around you and others; and because guys seldom are friends with girls for friendship's sake, particularly if it's not a childhood friendship.
So what are you gonna do about it? Huh? :)
By Maria, 16, from ...:
I like this guy. We just met in August of last year but we didn't start hanging out until a few months ago. We're pretty good friends now. I used to like him but I never told my friend's because they have a problem with keeping their mouths shut. Then I got over him. But then my friend's started saying I did like him just joking around and stuff. Then a few weeks ago I realized I still like him. Sometimes I think he likes me, but sometimes I don't. He acts different when it is just us, but when my friend's are there he acts different. I've looked on the internet for ways to know if he likes me. Sometimes he does those things and sometimes he doesn't. One of my friend's even think he likes me. But I'm so confused. Can you help?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. How do I know? Changed behavior between being around you and others; and because guys seldom are friends with girls for friendship's sake, particularly if it's not a childhood friendship.
So what are you gonna do about it? Huh? :)
This guy I like so much is one of my ex's good friends
Submitted on Monday, March 24, 2008
By megan, 16, from alvarado:
This guy I like so much is one of my ex's good friends and the only reason he won't go out with me is because of that. So how can I show him to overlook that and go out with me?
VictorM's advice:
Ask your ex to let the guy know that he's OK with his friend dating you.
If you can't ask your boyfriend or if he says he'd rather die than do that, you'll know why the guy doesn't want to go out with you -- because he's choosing friendship over a fling.
By megan, 16, from alvarado:
This guy I like so much is one of my ex's good friends and the only reason he won't go out with me is because of that. So how can I show him to overlook that and go out with me?
VictorM's advice:
Ask your ex to let the guy know that he's OK with his friend dating you.
If you can't ask your boyfriend or if he says he'd rather die than do that, you'll know why the guy doesn't want to go out with you -- because he's choosing friendship over a fling.
We get really physical and sexual with one another
Submitted on Monday, March 24, 2008
By kay, 35, from alexandria:
I've known this guy for 5 years. He told me that he loved me but he went and had sex with his exgirlfriend. He then started acting distant. He told me that if he loved me then he wouldn't have slept with his ex. We still talk on occasion and see one another. I made a promise to myself that I would not sleep with him and he has respected that so far. When I do see him we get really physical and sexual with one another. I told him that I love him but he told me that he didn't return the feelings. When I see him all of this happens in my car. He is 37 years old and says that he can't have company in the house and that he has to be in by 12 or he can't get in the house, but yet his ex girlfriend is welcome. He even told me that he had spent the night with another one of his friends who is a girl but he slept on the couch. The sad thing is I believe him because he wouldn't tell me things like this if he were trying to hide something. The other night I drove to see him after not seeing him for 1 month. He told me that he loved me and that he missed me. Again I believe him. But I haven't heard from him since. Am I being naive to believe everything he says? I am 350 lbs and I am somewhat insecure. Please give me your insight.
VictorM's answer:
Yes, you're being very naive. He'll say what it takes when he's horny for you.
By kay, 35, from alexandria:
I've known this guy for 5 years. He told me that he loved me but he went and had sex with his exgirlfriend. He then started acting distant. He told me that if he loved me then he wouldn't have slept with his ex. We still talk on occasion and see one another. I made a promise to myself that I would not sleep with him and he has respected that so far. When I do see him we get really physical and sexual with one another. I told him that I love him but he told me that he didn't return the feelings. When I see him all of this happens in my car. He is 37 years old and says that he can't have company in the house and that he has to be in by 12 or he can't get in the house, but yet his ex girlfriend is welcome. He even told me that he had spent the night with another one of his friends who is a girl but he slept on the couch. The sad thing is I believe him because he wouldn't tell me things like this if he were trying to hide something. The other night I drove to see him after not seeing him for 1 month. He told me that he loved me and that he missed me. Again I believe him. But I haven't heard from him since. Am I being naive to believe everything he says? I am 350 lbs and I am somewhat insecure. Please give me your insight.
VictorM's answer:
Yes, you're being very naive. He'll say what it takes when he's horny for you.
I have a guy friend who's been acting odd
Submitted on Monday, March 24, 2008
By Alexandra, 21, from Florida:
Dear Victor,
I have a guy friend who's been acting odd. I think he gets jealous when I try to talk to other guys. He's been giving me the silent treatment for weeks now (won't return my calls, emails, messages)... the man totally dissapeared. I want to be friends with him. Do guys usually want to be just friends with girls? Suppose I would consider dating him, what should I do? I haven't talked to him for a while and I don't even know his schedule. Oh yea and about the guy in my class, we talked today but he acted very uninterested so I'm confused. I appreciate your advice.
PS I was the girl that posted the link for my pictures. I added more pictures so you can have a good assessment. I feel that there are SO MANY pretty girls that I don't measure up to, so how come this 'intimidation'?? I am wayyy more confident about school than my looks.
VictorM's advice:
Hey, miss stunning is back. :)
Let me address the last point first... Confidence. When it comes to looks, that's all you lack. Why you don't have it beats me but I'm sure the reasons go deeper than I can address here. The intimidation part comes from the guys' minds. It has nothing to do with whether there are prettier girls or not; it just has to do with a guy thinking that you're too pretty to be single or to give him a chance.
Don't take the one guy seemingly uninterested or your friend's silent treatment as signs that those guys don't like you. Guys are notorious for giving the cold shoulder to girls they like. It's a way of both getting into her mind and seeing if she notices it. Of course, if the guy is shy or angry at you for some reason, he may not follow-up, but in any case, just don't dismiss the possibility that they like you.
As for you friend... well, if he's not responding, I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes people just outgrow their friends, for a variety of reasons. Do guys like being friends with a female? Not really. Guys don't have the same needs as girls do for someone to talk a lot about anything other than sports and sex. In most cases, what poses as friendship is just a guy putting an effort into getting close to a girl they find attractive. Yes, yes, I know there are exceptions, but a guy seeking friendship for friendship sake with a girl as attractive as you? Very rare!
As for the guy you like... don't give up. Maybe he really is not interested in you, but that doesn't mean he can't become interested. Maybe he just needs more assurances that the brainy beauty really does like him. So don't give up. Even if he still doesn't change his mind, at least you're talking and getting out of your shell, and that's a good thing.
(And to the people who requested to see Alexandra's pictures... the answer is NO! They're mine, all mine! haha :))
By Alexandra, 21, from Florida:
Dear Victor,
I have a guy friend who's been acting odd. I think he gets jealous when I try to talk to other guys. He's been giving me the silent treatment for weeks now (won't return my calls, emails, messages)... the man totally dissapeared. I want to be friends with him. Do guys usually want to be just friends with girls? Suppose I would consider dating him, what should I do? I haven't talked to him for a while and I don't even know his schedule. Oh yea and about the guy in my class, we talked today but he acted very uninterested so I'm confused. I appreciate your advice.
PS I was the girl that posted the link for my pictures. I added more pictures so you can have a good assessment. I feel that there are SO MANY pretty girls that I don't measure up to, so how come this 'intimidation'?? I am wayyy more confident about school than my looks.
VictorM's advice:
Hey, miss stunning is back. :)
Let me address the last point first... Confidence. When it comes to looks, that's all you lack. Why you don't have it beats me but I'm sure the reasons go deeper than I can address here. The intimidation part comes from the guys' minds. It has nothing to do with whether there are prettier girls or not; it just has to do with a guy thinking that you're too pretty to be single or to give him a chance.
Don't take the one guy seemingly uninterested or your friend's silent treatment as signs that those guys don't like you. Guys are notorious for giving the cold shoulder to girls they like. It's a way of both getting into her mind and seeing if she notices it. Of course, if the guy is shy or angry at you for some reason, he may not follow-up, but in any case, just don't dismiss the possibility that they like you.
As for you friend... well, if he's not responding, I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes people just outgrow their friends, for a variety of reasons. Do guys like being friends with a female? Not really. Guys don't have the same needs as girls do for someone to talk a lot about anything other than sports and sex. In most cases, what poses as friendship is just a guy putting an effort into getting close to a girl they find attractive. Yes, yes, I know there are exceptions, but a guy seeking friendship for friendship sake with a girl as attractive as you? Very rare!
As for the guy you like... don't give up. Maybe he really is not interested in you, but that doesn't mean he can't become interested. Maybe he just needs more assurances that the brainy beauty really does like him. So don't give up. Even if he still doesn't change his mind, at least you're talking and getting out of your shell, and that's a good thing.
(And to the people who requested to see Alexandra's pictures... the answer is NO! They're mine, all mine! haha :))
We are about to have a baby
Submitted on Monday, March 24, 2008
By Rachie, 18, from akron:
My ex and I have been together for 5 years and now we are about to have a baby but we broke up and now he is dating a new girl but we are still sleeping together but now his girl moved in with him for the time being but he still acts like he loves me and tells me we will be together again. My question is does he love me when he says he does and will we be together again and if this is all true then why does he not want to break up with his girl so we can work things out?
VictorM's answer:
If he loves you he sure has a strange way of showing it. Breaking up with you and staying with the new girl sure makes me doubt his sincerity.
I wouldn't bet much on a future together. But hey, if you're willing to sleep with him while he has a girl on the side, well... he might be willing to stick around.
By Rachie, 18, from akron:
My ex and I have been together for 5 years and now we are about to have a baby but we broke up and now he is dating a new girl but we are still sleeping together but now his girl moved in with him for the time being but he still acts like he loves me and tells me we will be together again. My question is does he love me when he says he does and will we be together again and if this is all true then why does he not want to break up with his girl so we can work things out?
VictorM's answer:
If he loves you he sure has a strange way of showing it. Breaking up with you and staying with the new girl sure makes me doubt his sincerity.
I wouldn't bet much on a future together. But hey, if you're willing to sleep with him while he has a girl on the side, well... he might be willing to stick around.
Message for sara, from Seattle
For the sake of continuity, I posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the visitor comments section of your original post. Click here.
She is nobody special
Submitted on Monday, March 24, 2008
By Suessy, 25, from Malaysia:
Hello Vic, please help moi...
I have a relationship of four years with my boyfriend. Recently he told me that he needed space but this wasn't really communicated clearly because he puts me in a 'hanging' situation. Two points, though... he said that he doesn't feel like he has a girlfriend anymore and bits of me is losing inside of him. And also, that I am pushy. Three points then.
Hence, based on many experts' [read: girlfriends] advice, I ignored him for the whole week and moved on. Just as predicted, he's been calling and sending messages to me throughout the week. On the weekend, we eventually talked and he apologized for the hell he put me through and that he 'owes' me a lot... yeah. I told him that I found "this certain cell number" he's been calling a couple of times daily for the past whole month... may have even been earlier. I asked him who she is. He admitted that he has been calling the number but that "she is nobody special."
The resolution: he said that we are restarting things over, but that he still needs his space and that he says he will call/ talk/ see me again when the time comes, just-go-with-flow attitude. I am pissed because I felt that I am being kept in the dark until he is sure of... what?
For the past few days I have been on my own, sort of moved on, concentrated on other things, errands, priorities, hang out with friends a lot... I didn't check on him or message him since he so needs his space *eyes rolling*, but yeah, he called me up and asked me why have I been so quiet.
The latest is he asked whether I could live without him. I said I am not sure and he replied that is not an answer. I told him I would like to move on so just please decide. He can't even put a sentence together. When I gave him a choice to choose a YES or NO answer to the questions, "You would like to break up, YES or NO?" he became mute. When I gave him another question, "You would like to stay, I'm your girlfriend, you're my boyfirend, and we will talk and sort things out, YES or NO?" he answered YES.
But then he's being quizzical yet again and I asked, "Do you want to move on? you found someone better and un-pushy? you wanted her, don't you?" He became offended and said, "this has got nothind to do with her." Right, my bad.
He's being... . The thought of being four years together, and that I have faith he can be a better man than he is now, and that I know he really can't put a sentence together [he can be that stubbornly mute, we can be in a car and drive for hours without talking when we have a fight], I would like us to have another go, rebuild and be more... understanding and un-pushy, whatever.
I believe he has something going on, a pressure... but he's not talking to me, maybe he was talking to that another girl, I don't know.
Your advice, Victor?
Thank you in advance... this site IS very helpful.
VictorM's advice:
This guy knows you enough to know you're not the one he wants. He may not know what he wants, but he knows you're not "it". Maybe the other girls is nobody special, but neither are you. The fact is that he's looking.
He has a lot of time and energy invested in you and he can't just quit you cold turkey. You have been a special part of his life, he cares for your feelings and that makes it very difficult for him. So he tries to pull away, he comes back, he pulls away again. What you have to understand is that his actions are not part of the process of reconciliation; they are part of the process of breaking up. Like the cigarette smoker who's trying to quit but then has another cigarette. You're just a "habit" he's trying to quit.
You are probably right that he can be a better man than he's being right now but for him to reach that potential you have to let him go. Your relationship is over anyway. So stop with the questions, wish him the best of luck, and move on with your life without him.
By Suessy, 25, from Malaysia:
Hello Vic, please help moi...
I have a relationship of four years with my boyfriend. Recently he told me that he needed space but this wasn't really communicated clearly because he puts me in a 'hanging' situation. Two points, though... he said that he doesn't feel like he has a girlfriend anymore and bits of me is losing inside of him. And also, that I am pushy. Three points then.
Hence, based on many experts' [read: girlfriends] advice, I ignored him for the whole week and moved on. Just as predicted, he's been calling and sending messages to me throughout the week. On the weekend, we eventually talked and he apologized for the hell he put me through and that he 'owes' me a lot... yeah. I told him that I found "this certain cell number" he's been calling a couple of times daily for the past whole month... may have even been earlier. I asked him who she is. He admitted that he has been calling the number but that "she is nobody special."
The resolution: he said that we are restarting things over, but that he still needs his space and that he says he will call/ talk/ see me again when the time comes, just-go-with-flow attitude. I am pissed because I felt that I am being kept in the dark until he is sure of... what?
For the past few days I have been on my own, sort of moved on, concentrated on other things, errands, priorities, hang out with friends a lot... I didn't check on him or message him since he so needs his space *eyes rolling*, but yeah, he called me up and asked me why have I been so quiet.
The latest is he asked whether I could live without him. I said I am not sure and he replied that is not an answer. I told him I would like to move on so just please decide. He can't even put a sentence together. When I gave him a choice to choose a YES or NO answer to the questions, "You would like to break up, YES or NO?" he became mute. When I gave him another question, "You would like to stay, I'm your girlfriend, you're my boyfirend, and we will talk and sort things out, YES or NO?" he answered YES.
But then he's being quizzical yet again and I asked, "Do you want to move on? you found someone better and un-pushy? you wanted her, don't you?" He became offended and said, "this has got nothind to do with her." Right, my bad.
He's being... . The thought of being four years together, and that I have faith he can be a better man than he is now, and that I know he really can't put a sentence together [he can be that stubbornly mute, we can be in a car and drive for hours without talking when we have a fight], I would like us to have another go, rebuild and be more... understanding and un-pushy, whatever.
I believe he has something going on, a pressure... but he's not talking to me, maybe he was talking to that another girl, I don't know.
Your advice, Victor?
Thank you in advance... this site IS very helpful.
VictorM's advice:
This guy knows you enough to know you're not the one he wants. He may not know what he wants, but he knows you're not "it". Maybe the other girls is nobody special, but neither are you. The fact is that he's looking.
He has a lot of time and energy invested in you and he can't just quit you cold turkey. You have been a special part of his life, he cares for your feelings and that makes it very difficult for him. So he tries to pull away, he comes back, he pulls away again. What you have to understand is that his actions are not part of the process of reconciliation; they are part of the process of breaking up. Like the cigarette smoker who's trying to quit but then has another cigarette. You're just a "habit" he's trying to quit.
You are probably right that he can be a better man than he's being right now but for him to reach that potential you have to let him go. Your relationship is over anyway. So stop with the questions, wish him the best of luck, and move on with your life without him.
Superficial advice
Submitted on Monday, March 24, 2008
By Rain, 24, from Bangkok:
My boyfriend is 37, I'm 24. he is always working hard so he doesn't have enough time for me. He talks sincerely to me about how our relationship should be. He is not so into frequent phone calls and dates. He said that he would feel obliged to do them if I whine about he's not calling me or taking me out on the dates. He also tries to remind me that his past relationships with other girls failed because they were too much sensitive about his distant presence almost all the time due to his lots of work and then they had to break up. He told me that his relationship value did not match the women's, his is Freedom and theirs Togetherness with a partner. So I have given myself a superficial advice of not to behave like those girls in order to just show I want whatever best for him or what he ask me to do according to his wants or wishes. I have to pretend that I'm fine in not expressing my distressful emotions to him about his disappearance. I have to caution about not letting him know that I'm not as strong as he pictures me to be. Finally, Victor, could you show me please how to change him or make him at least break his own rules of not always being together with me (his sole partner)? Are many men similar to him when it comes to having a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Many men are like him, but most are not.
He's been direct with you about what to expect from him. In return, you are pretending and basically lying to him, hoping that somehow he changes. You're on course for much unhappiness.
I have no ideas to change him. But I have an idea for you: be honest with him about your expectations and wants. If he can't accommodate you, move on. Some other guy will.
By Rain, 24, from Bangkok:
My boyfriend is 37, I'm 24. he is always working hard so he doesn't have enough time for me. He talks sincerely to me about how our relationship should be. He is not so into frequent phone calls and dates. He said that he would feel obliged to do them if I whine about he's not calling me or taking me out on the dates. He also tries to remind me that his past relationships with other girls failed because they were too much sensitive about his distant presence almost all the time due to his lots of work and then they had to break up. He told me that his relationship value did not match the women's, his is Freedom and theirs Togetherness with a partner. So I have given myself a superficial advice of not to behave like those girls in order to just show I want whatever best for him or what he ask me to do according to his wants or wishes. I have to pretend that I'm fine in not expressing my distressful emotions to him about his disappearance. I have to caution about not letting him know that I'm not as strong as he pictures me to be. Finally, Victor, could you show me please how to change him or make him at least break his own rules of not always being together with me (his sole partner)? Are many men similar to him when it comes to having a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Many men are like him, but most are not.
He's been direct with you about what to expect from him. In return, you are pretending and basically lying to him, hoping that somehow he changes. You're on course for much unhappiness.
I have no ideas to change him. But I have an idea for you: be honest with him about your expectations and wants. If he can't accommodate you, move on. Some other guy will.
Monday, March 24, 2008
He says he has a girlfriend
Submitted on Sunday, March 23, 2008
By tolu, 16, from australia:
Why do you think a teen guy who is not a player tell a girl he has a girlfriend when he is been asked by the girl if he likes her even when it seems that the guy likes her.
VictorM's advice:
Is this a riddle or a trick question? Because if it's not, the answer is obvious: he answers that way because he does indeed have a girlfriend and she's misreading his interest in her. And even if that's not true, that's what he wants her to think.
By tolu, 16, from australia:
Why do you think a teen guy who is not a player tell a girl he has a girlfriend when he is been asked by the girl if he likes her even when it seems that the guy likes her.
VictorM's advice:
Is this a riddle or a trick question? Because if it's not, the answer is obvious: he answers that way because he does indeed have a girlfriend and she's misreading his interest in her. And even if that's not true, that's what he wants her to think.
Is it wrong to like my cousin?
Submitted on Sunday, March 23, 2008
By Ashley, from SF:
Is it wrong to like my dad's sister's son, my cousin? He always fools around with me, tickling me, and touches my hands, does it mean he likes me? I know for sure that he won't do it to other girls. He sleeps in my bed at times. I'm so confused. Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
It is quite possible that he likes you. But it's possible that he does those things just because he knows he can get away with it. You don't specify your ages but I'm guessing you're both teenagers, and teenage boys will cop a feel if they can just because girls are fun to touch.
Is it wrong to like your cousin? Well, societies have a way of imposing certain unwritten rules, sometimes out of sheer stupidity, sometimes for good reason. There was a time when first cousins married all the time, and even today, that's common in some societies. But we have learned that birth defects are more common the tighter the gene pool is, so marrying first cousins has become frowned upon, even if it's not illegal.
In the USA, it seems to me (I have never seen a study that confirms this), most people find the idea of being in a relationship with a first cousin kinda icky.
By Ashley, from SF:
Is it wrong to like my dad's sister's son, my cousin? He always fools around with me, tickling me, and touches my hands, does it mean he likes me? I know for sure that he won't do it to other girls. He sleeps in my bed at times. I'm so confused. Does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
It is quite possible that he likes you. But it's possible that he does those things just because he knows he can get away with it. You don't specify your ages but I'm guessing you're both teenagers, and teenage boys will cop a feel if they can just because girls are fun to touch.
Is it wrong to like your cousin? Well, societies have a way of imposing certain unwritten rules, sometimes out of sheer stupidity, sometimes for good reason. There was a time when first cousins married all the time, and even today, that's common in some societies. But we have learned that birth defects are more common the tighter the gene pool is, so marrying first cousins has become frowned upon, even if it's not illegal.
In the USA, it seems to me (I have never seen a study that confirms this), most people find the idea of being in a relationship with a first cousin kinda icky.
He says I am thinking too much
Submitted on Sunday, March 23, 2008
By coco, 36, from U.S:
I recently started seeing this guy I know for about 5 years. I was in a relationship, but when that ended, this guy and I met up one night and we have been hanging out since Nov. We already went on vacation together and have been pretty close. Since it has been about 4 months, I asked if we were bf/gf. He always says he doesn't know what he wants and he says I am thinking too much. I really don't think I do think too much. I just need to know what we are since it has been 4 months. He does like me and we get along great. If I say to other people that he is not my boyfriend, he says: "oh I thought I was your boyfriend." So, I am getting mixed signal. At this point, I am sick of playing this game, but he is someone I'd love to be with for the rest of my life. What should I do???
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing mixed about his signals -- he clearly isn't ready to commit to you and has said so quite directly. He then jokes about the whole boyfriend thing when you say it to others. Don't get the two messages mixed up; one is serious, the other is a joke. And they both add up to the same thing: he's not ready for a serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you.
I recently started seeing this guy I know for about 5 years. I was in a relationship, but when that ended, this guy and I met up one night and we have been hanging out since Nov. We already went on vacation together and have been pretty close. Since it has been about 4 months, I asked if we were bf/gf. He always says he doesn't know what he wants and he says I am thinking too much. I really don't think I do think too much. I just need to know what we are since it has been 4 months. He does like me and we get along great. If I say to other people that he is not my boyfriend, he says: "oh I thought I was your boyfriend." So, I am getting mixed signal. At this point, I am sick of playing this game, but he is someone I'd love to be with for the rest of my life. What should I do???
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing mixed about his signals -- he clearly isn't ready to commit to you and has said so quite directly. He then jokes about the whole boyfriend thing when you say it to others. Don't get the two messages mixed up; one is serious, the other is a joke. And they both add up to the same thing: he's not ready for a serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
I live so far and he doesn't feel like driving to see me
Submitted on Sunday, March 23, 2008
By marissa, 36, from danville:
I've been talkling to this guy off and on for about 2 years. We are very compatible and have alot of things in common. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship so I respected that and kept it on a friendly level. He would call me on the phone and we would have good conversations even though we only talked for a few minutes. He stopped calling and I asked him why he said that I didn't call him so I started calling him but now instead of talking to him at night he only talks to me in the daytime and I'm the one who does all of the calling.We live 1 hr away from each other and he says that he wants to see me but I live so far and he doesn't feel like driving to see me. I'm confused because we went from a little something to nothing and I did not pressure him. Do you think he has found someone who is girlfriend material and doesn't want to tell me or did I read more into the situation. I'm gonna be in his town this weekend and I would like to drop in to say hi, is this appropriate. I just don't understand.
VictorM's advice:
You're just not getting it. He doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU. He's not into you. He's not interested in you.
Yes, in some ways it would be better if he came out and said it straight out so you'd know and moved on, but that's the way most guys are. They hate to say it straight to the woman's face, so they hint and hide and make excuses.
I have no idea if he found another woman or not but you you can safely assume that he's at least looking, because you're not the one.
By marissa, 36, from danville:
I've been talkling to this guy off and on for about 2 years. We are very compatible and have alot of things in common. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship so I respected that and kept it on a friendly level. He would call me on the phone and we would have good conversations even though we only talked for a few minutes. He stopped calling and I asked him why he said that I didn't call him so I started calling him but now instead of talking to him at night he only talks to me in the daytime and I'm the one who does all of the calling.We live 1 hr away from each other and he says that he wants to see me but I live so far and he doesn't feel like driving to see me. I'm confused because we went from a little something to nothing and I did not pressure him. Do you think he has found someone who is girlfriend material and doesn't want to tell me or did I read more into the situation. I'm gonna be in his town this weekend and I would like to drop in to say hi, is this appropriate. I just don't understand.
VictorM's advice:
You're just not getting it. He doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU. He's not into you. He's not interested in you.
Yes, in some ways it would be better if he came out and said it straight out so you'd know and moved on, but that's the way most guys are. They hate to say it straight to the woman's face, so they hint and hide and make excuses.
I have no idea if he found another woman or not but you you can safely assume that he's at least looking, because you're not the one.
Confidential To Anonymous from Valencia
What were you trying to accomplish with that email to him? Your purpose was not clear to me.
I don't think the email was cruel but I would interpret it as you not wanting to be friends anymore. I say that because of your beginning. I read "I was hoping..." to mean that you are no longer hoping.
To answer your question... in a situation like this, girls are more likely to want to keep some contact; guys are more likely to want to break that contact and move on. Sounds like that's what he's doing. It's for the best. Holding on to friendship when feelings are or have been involved only complicates life.
I don't think the email was cruel but I would interpret it as you not wanting to be friends anymore. I say that because of your beginning. I read "I was hoping..." to mean that you are no longer hoping.
To answer your question... in a situation like this, girls are more likely to want to keep some contact; guys are more likely to want to break that contact and move on. Sounds like that's what he's doing. It's for the best. Holding on to friendship when feelings are or have been involved only complicates life.
Guys don't approach me because I'm intimidating
Submitted on Saturday, March 22, 2008
By Alexandra, 21:
I've never had a boyfriend and a guy in my lab told me that guys don't approach me because I'm intimidating but I don't think it's true. I'm very nice but guys don't seem to want to talk to me. There is a guy that I'm interested in but I don't know if he's shy or not interested. He's always quiet to talk to other girls when I'm around but I've seen him from afar and he's not the totally quiet type at all. Please let me know what I can do to talk to more guys.
VictorM's advice:
(To all: a confidential link to Alexandra's pictures was included with the submission).
After seeing your pictures I have to agree with the guy at the lab: I can see why guys would be intimidated by you; you're quite striking. It's quite possible for guys to think: a) you're so attractive that you must already have a boyfriend, so why bother, and/or b) you're so attractive that you must have higher standards for a guy than most guys feel they can meet, and/or c) lots of guy, while they fantasize about a girl with your beauty in reality prefer not to have such a girlfriend because she'd get too much attention from other guys.
What you say about the guy you're interested in (that he changes his behavior when you're around) is the best sign that a guy is interested in you. So he's either too shy or is intimidated by you.
Guys that don't have the confidence to approach you would most likely not be the type of guys that would help your happiness. That's one way to look at the lack of boyfriends. But at the same time, to expect prince charming to come knocking on your lab is not quite realistic either. You have to push your chances along.
Don't be shy about mentioning to your friends, colleagues, fellow students and others that you're open to dating. You don't have to talk in a way that begs for pity, but you could mention that it would be nice if... that sorta thing. Frequent places where guys go in greater numbers than girls (sports bars, athletic groups, bicycle clubs,Hooters restaurants, etc.) I realize that your picture may have been taken for a special occasion, but if you dress that classy all the time, you might want to consider dressing down (jeans, less glitter, etc.) more often, anything to come across as more "girl-next-door." You have a wonderful smile; use it often when in public. Also, don't wait for a guy who look like David Beckham to go out with; make yourself available and willing to go out on dates with more average looking guys. This sends the message that you're open to dating.
As for the guy you're interested, find out topics of interest to him and ask open-ended questions about them. If you get a chance to talk to him enough, give him opportunities to ask you out without having to ask. For example, when you are talking to him alone, mention you'd like to go to some event (movie, sports event, play, etc.) but you'd hate to go alone. That gives him the chance to invite himself to go with you. If you're courageous enough, you can go further by asking if he's like to come along.
*looks at your pictures again*... oh yeah, smile a lot. :)
By Alexandra, 21:
I've never had a boyfriend and a guy in my lab told me that guys don't approach me because I'm intimidating but I don't think it's true. I'm very nice but guys don't seem to want to talk to me. There is a guy that I'm interested in but I don't know if he's shy or not interested. He's always quiet to talk to other girls when I'm around but I've seen him from afar and he's not the totally quiet type at all. Please let me know what I can do to talk to more guys.
VictorM's advice:
(To all: a confidential link to Alexandra's pictures was included with the submission).
After seeing your pictures I have to agree with the guy at the lab: I can see why guys would be intimidated by you; you're quite striking. It's quite possible for guys to think: a) you're so attractive that you must already have a boyfriend, so why bother, and/or b) you're so attractive that you must have higher standards for a guy than most guys feel they can meet, and/or c) lots of guy, while they fantasize about a girl with your beauty in reality prefer not to have such a girlfriend because she'd get too much attention from other guys.
What you say about the guy you're interested in (that he changes his behavior when you're around) is the best sign that a guy is interested in you. So he's either too shy or is intimidated by you.
Guys that don't have the confidence to approach you would most likely not be the type of guys that would help your happiness. That's one way to look at the lack of boyfriends. But at the same time, to expect prince charming to come knocking on your lab is not quite realistic either. You have to push your chances along.
Don't be shy about mentioning to your friends, colleagues, fellow students and others that you're open to dating. You don't have to talk in a way that begs for pity, but you could mention that it would be nice if... that sorta thing. Frequent places where guys go in greater numbers than girls (sports bars, athletic groups, bicycle clubs,
As for the guy you're interested, find out topics of interest to him and ask open-ended questions about them. If you get a chance to talk to him enough, give him opportunities to ask you out without having to ask. For example, when you are talking to him alone, mention you'd like to go to some event (movie, sports event, play, etc.) but you'd hate to go alone. That gives him the chance to invite himself to go with you. If you're courageous enough, you can go further by asking if he's like to come along.
*looks at your pictures again*... oh yeah, smile a lot. :)
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Foot
Submitted on Friday, March 21, 2008
By stacy, 17, from alaska:
How should I talk to this guy that I foot know but want to get to know?
VictorM's advice:
I assume that "foot" should be "don't."
Find out something that he knows a lot about (like, music, movies, video games, soccer, etc.) and ask open ended questions about the topic(s). Praise his knowledge. This will make him like being around you. After that, talk about anything you want.
Just don't put your don't in your mouth.
By stacy, 17, from alaska:
How should I talk to this guy that I foot know but want to get to know?
VictorM's advice:
I assume that "foot" should be "don't."
Find out something that he knows a lot about (like, music, movies, video games, soccer, etc.) and ask open ended questions about the topic(s). Praise his knowledge. This will make him like being around you. After that, talk about anything you want.
Just don't put your don't in your mouth.
He suddenly dissapeared
Submitted on Friday, March 21, 2008
By Alex, 21, from Orlando, Fl:
A guy that I used to talk to a lot suddenly dissapeared so I told him through email that we can be just friends and he never replied. Recently, whenever he sees me on campus he stares at me and tries to walk pass me. He also came by my class room, passed me and mumbled something about taking an exam around here. Why is he acting weird? What should I do if I genuinely want to be good friends with him? We used to enjoy each other's company so much.
VictorM's advice:
He's acting weird because of guilt and possibly fear (that you might want to remove his testicles and put them in a microwave, like popcorn. Butter optional).
Next time you see him, talk to him as if nothing happened. Don't bring up his disappearance. Be friendly, nice, and brief. If he responds well you can increase your conversation times, but initially, keep it short and friendly.
A guy that I used to talk to a lot suddenly dissapeared so I told him through email that we can be just friends and he never replied. Recently, whenever he sees me on campus he stares at me and tries to walk pass me. He also came by my class room, passed me and mumbled something about taking an exam around here. Why is he acting weird? What should I do if I genuinely want to be good friends with him? We used to enjoy each other's company so much.
VictorM's advice:
He's acting weird because of guilt and possibly fear (that you might want to remove his testicles and put them in a microwave, like popcorn. Butter optional).
Next time you see him, talk to him as if nothing happened. Don't bring up his disappearance. Be friendly, nice, and brief. If he responds well you can increase your conversation times, but initially, keep it short and friendly.
He kept saying he has too much going on
Submitted on Friday, March 21, 2008
By Marina, 17, from NJ:
Ok so this is anonymous again. Victor I hate that you're always right.. And that I keep coming back.
The guy that I met that is perfect.. Well we were "official" for about a week and I already told you the things he says to me and how he makes me feel. 3 days ago he was supposed to come over but instead he texted me saying:
"I can’t do this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I'm not meant to have a girlfriend. I'm so crazy about you and you’re the greatest person I have ever met. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do with myself. It’s just too much right now."
When I asked him what the hell he’s talking about.. he told me he doesn’t know himself. He kept saying he has too much going on over and over, and the next day he told me he is not like any person I will ever meet and that his problems are mainly the fear of his brother being in Iraq. Apparently, they were really close and his brother is in the Marines and is coming back in May. He also kept saying things like "I wish this was a month from now.." (May) and he said maybe we can be together then.
Sitting around contemplating I thought that maybe he's scared because our relationship seems perfect (he told me that himself and I agree) and I think he's scared that if everything is perfect, something might go wrong (like with his brother). But maybe I am just making excuses for myself. He won’t explain anything to me and keeps telling me he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. The day we broke up, we never really said that we “broke up”. He kept saying he’s so sorry and can’t do it, and I kept telling him I don’t understand. He called a mutual friend of ours right away and she told me he was practically in tears over the phone. She also told me that he said “she hates me” in a trembling voice and that he asked her to do one thing, which is to tell me how much he cares about me. The next day in school I didn’t see him like I usually do. I saw him at lunch and when I left to do errands he texted me asking if I was coming back. I came back and he walked me to class. When I pulled him to kiss me, he kissed me on the cheek. The next day we didn’t have school and I went out at night. He texted me 3 different times asking what I am doing and if I am having fun. Then he IMed me this morning trying to talk to me. We both have a myspace and facebook, and he never changed the relationship status. It still says that we are in a relationship. I texted him saying “now I can’t get you out of my head” and he texted me back saying He never could get me out of his head. He said he’s always thinking of me. Our friends told him he will regret it because they see how much he likes me. He tells them he knows. I told him I will always be there for him and I don’t understand what he is doing.
What the hell is wrong with him?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're partly right in that the fear of losing someone he loves might be scaring him away, and maybe the pressure of living up to perfection also scares hims away. But frankly, none of that matters. What matters is that he's not ready for a relationship. That's not at all uncommon, even without the factors you mentioned. Sometimes, the whole idea of being with just one person and trying to do it right is just too much, specially for a 17 year old boy.
But, maybe he felt you were perfect earlier on and doesn't feel that way anymore. Never mind all the words about thinking about you and how great you are and all that... once a guy loses interest in a girl he often does what he's doing because the last thing he wants on earth is to make you feel bad.
I say change your status to "single," tell him that you understand it was too much pressure and that after thinking about it, you're feeling fine about just being friends and if the feelings ever change again, you two will deal with it then. If you remove the pressure you might find that you two can enjoy each other's company in a more relaxed way.
Remember: perfection is grossly overrated. High pedestals can give people nose bleeds.
Ok so this is anonymous again. Victor I hate that you're always right.. And that I keep coming back.
The guy that I met that is perfect.. Well we were "official" for about a week and I already told you the things he says to me and how he makes me feel. 3 days ago he was supposed to come over but instead he texted me saying:
"I can’t do this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I'm not meant to have a girlfriend. I'm so crazy about you and you’re the greatest person I have ever met. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do with myself. It’s just too much right now."
When I asked him what the hell he’s talking about.. he told me he doesn’t know himself. He kept saying he has too much going on over and over, and the next day he told me he is not like any person I will ever meet and that his problems are mainly the fear of his brother being in Iraq. Apparently, they were really close and his brother is in the Marines and is coming back in May. He also kept saying things like "I wish this was a month from now.." (May) and he said maybe we can be together then.
Sitting around contemplating I thought that maybe he's scared because our relationship seems perfect (he told me that himself and I agree) and I think he's scared that if everything is perfect, something might go wrong (like with his brother). But maybe I am just making excuses for myself. He won’t explain anything to me and keeps telling me he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. The day we broke up, we never really said that we “broke up”. He kept saying he’s so sorry and can’t do it, and I kept telling him I don’t understand. He called a mutual friend of ours right away and she told me he was practically in tears over the phone. She also told me that he said “she hates me” in a trembling voice and that he asked her to do one thing, which is to tell me how much he cares about me. The next day in school I didn’t see him like I usually do. I saw him at lunch and when I left to do errands he texted me asking if I was coming back. I came back and he walked me to class. When I pulled him to kiss me, he kissed me on the cheek. The next day we didn’t have school and I went out at night. He texted me 3 different times asking what I am doing and if I am having fun. Then he IMed me this morning trying to talk to me. We both have a myspace and facebook, and he never changed the relationship status. It still says that we are in a relationship. I texted him saying “now I can’t get you out of my head” and he texted me back saying He never could get me out of his head. He said he’s always thinking of me. Our friends told him he will regret it because they see how much he likes me. He tells them he knows. I told him I will always be there for him and I don’t understand what he is doing.
What the hell is wrong with him?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're partly right in that the fear of losing someone he loves might be scaring him away, and maybe the pressure of living up to perfection also scares hims away. But frankly, none of that matters. What matters is that he's not ready for a relationship. That's not at all uncommon, even without the factors you mentioned. Sometimes, the whole idea of being with just one person and trying to do it right is just too much, specially for a 17 year old boy.
But, maybe he felt you were perfect earlier on and doesn't feel that way anymore. Never mind all the words about thinking about you and how great you are and all that... once a guy loses interest in a girl he often does what he's doing because the last thing he wants on earth is to make you feel bad.
I say change your status to "single," tell him that you understand it was too much pressure and that after thinking about it, you're feeling fine about just being friends and if the feelings ever change again, you two will deal with it then. If you remove the pressure you might find that you two can enjoy each other's company in a more relaxed way.
Remember: perfection is grossly overrated. High pedestals can give people nose bleeds.
He is really guarded
Submitted on Friday, March 21, 2008
By Griz, 24, from Miami, FL:
Hey Victor. It's meeeee, Super Blowjob Girl.
I have been seeing that recently divorced guy a LOT. We've been going out with friends or each other about twice a week for the past 3.5 months. We always have fun with each other and we have great chemistry. We've gotten a little intimate with each other and just this past Wednesday we had sex. I let my hormones run away with me. :[ It was really awesome, though. I can't deny it.
Now, my question is this: Why the fuck hasn't he opened up to me about his divorce and his feelings (or lack thereof) for me? I've been honest with him. I would just like the same from him. Here's the kicker: He recently asked if we could be exclusive with each other...but I don't want to be exclusive with someone who is not emotionally available for me. Before you go on about how we women get too emotional about all this relationship crap, let me just mention that I was fine with us dating casually and being "friends" that kiss and occasionally touch each other intimately...until he suggested exclusivity.
Is it asking too much from him to let me in emotionally before I say yes to a proposition like that? Am I being too pushy? I just want to know what I'd be getting myself into. He is really guarded and I understand that he just got out of a 4-year relationship, but he's the one that started that whole exclusivity nonsense. What should I do, Vic? I was thinking about letting him go for a bit, to give each other some time to really think, breathe, and get back to our individual lives. I don't want him to think I don't like him, because I honestly really do...but what does he expect me to do? I can't just eliminate every other possible match for me just to please him, can I? No sir. Not if he's not emotionally available for me.
So what's the word, Victor? Give me your insight as an outsider. Thanks so much. :)
VictorM's advice:
I remember you Griz. You can keep mentioning the super blow job if you want, but I'd remember you even without that mention. But hey, if you want to toot your own horn, fine with me. :)
I think the way he's going about it makes sense: you date casualty to get a sense that you're somewhat of a match, you progress to being exclusive, which raises the seriousness of the relationship, and if that continues to progress well, eventually you get into more personal and deeper stuff. Stuff that is more painful to talk about. I mean, why should he pour his soul out to you unless he feels there's a good chance of a future with you? It would be a waste of time if he talked about his divorce with everyone he dated a few times.
Besides that, it sound par for the course for a guy not to talk about another women with the woman he just started dating. He's focusing on you and doesn't want to spoil it by talking about another woman with whom he was intimate. Of course eventually you two will have to talk about it, but I don't see it needing to be talked about so soon.
Keep in mind that you are going to get a very distorted version of what really happened between him and his ex. I'm not saying he will lie to you on purpose, I just mean that events that unfolded under very stressful emotional times are remembered through a lens that seldom mirrors reality. I'm not saying it's not important for you to listen, but don't place too much importance of it.
What matters is now. Chances are that he's learned some lessons and he just needs to answer for what he does now, with you.
But I excuse you for getting the sequence wrong; after all, I know what you did on the first date. :-p
By Griz, 24, from Miami, FL:
Hey Victor. It's meeeee, Super Blowjob Girl.
I have been seeing that recently divorced guy a LOT. We've been going out with friends or each other about twice a week for the past 3.5 months. We always have fun with each other and we have great chemistry. We've gotten a little intimate with each other and just this past Wednesday we had sex. I let my hormones run away with me. :[ It was really awesome, though. I can't deny it.
Now, my question is this: Why the fuck hasn't he opened up to me about his divorce and his feelings (or lack thereof) for me? I've been honest with him. I would just like the same from him. Here's the kicker: He recently asked if we could be exclusive with each other...but I don't want to be exclusive with someone who is not emotionally available for me. Before you go on about how we women get too emotional about all this relationship crap, let me just mention that I was fine with us dating casually and being "friends" that kiss and occasionally touch each other intimately...until he suggested exclusivity.
Is it asking too much from him to let me in emotionally before I say yes to a proposition like that? Am I being too pushy? I just want to know what I'd be getting myself into. He is really guarded and I understand that he just got out of a 4-year relationship, but he's the one that started that whole exclusivity nonsense. What should I do, Vic? I was thinking about letting him go for a bit, to give each other some time to really think, breathe, and get back to our individual lives. I don't want him to think I don't like him, because I honestly really do...but what does he expect me to do? I can't just eliminate every other possible match for me just to please him, can I? No sir. Not if he's not emotionally available for me.
So what's the word, Victor? Give me your insight as an outsider. Thanks so much. :)
VictorM's advice:
I remember you Griz. You can keep mentioning the super blow job if you want, but I'd remember you even without that mention. But hey, if you want to toot your own horn, fine with me. :)
I think the way he's going about it makes sense: you date casualty to get a sense that you're somewhat of a match, you progress to being exclusive, which raises the seriousness of the relationship, and if that continues to progress well, eventually you get into more personal and deeper stuff. Stuff that is more painful to talk about. I mean, why should he pour his soul out to you unless he feels there's a good chance of a future with you? It would be a waste of time if he talked about his divorce with everyone he dated a few times.
Besides that, it sound par for the course for a guy not to talk about another women with the woman he just started dating. He's focusing on you and doesn't want to spoil it by talking about another woman with whom he was intimate. Of course eventually you two will have to talk about it, but I don't see it needing to be talked about so soon.
Keep in mind that you are going to get a very distorted version of what really happened between him and his ex. I'm not saying he will lie to you on purpose, I just mean that events that unfolded under very stressful emotional times are remembered through a lens that seldom mirrors reality. I'm not saying it's not important for you to listen, but don't place too much importance of it.
What matters is now. Chances are that he's learned some lessons and he just needs to answer for what he does now, with you.
But I excuse you for getting the sequence wrong; after all, I know what you did on the first date. :-p
Friday, March 21, 2008
I don't know if he's being brutally honest or if he's just being a jerk
Submitted on Thursday, March 20, 2008
By nameless, 21, from New York City, NY:
Hello,
I have been dating a guy for the past 6 months, and he has been wonderful to me. We get along very well, we hang out a lot, and we always have a grand old time.
However, recently, as both of us look for jobs (I'm looking for a summer internship, he's looking for a full time job) in similar fields, he has started to bring me down a lot. He openly tells me that I shouldn't waste my time applying to certain positions or jobs because I don't have a chance. He will tell his friends if there is an internship opening in a company that he's applying to, but never mentions it to me.
I have been very depressed about my own abilities lately, and I don't know if he's being brutally honest or if he's just being a jerk. I am not sure what to do because I liked him so much and haven't had a major problem with him up until now.
VictorM's advice:
Nah, he's not a jerk; he's just a typical guy. Guys in general are notorious for doing this. Instead of listening and empathizing, they try to solve the problem. It's not easy for such guys to see what they are doing wrong because in their minds, they are trying so hard to help, you just don't see it.
Believe it or not, in his mind he's really saying those things because he truly believes he's helping you. He may say you can't get the job because he wants to avoid the possibility of you getting hurt by getting rejected. Really, he's just being overprotective the way parents protect their children. And just like most parents, his intention is to protect you and help you avoid disappointment. Of course there is something wrong about the way he's doing it, but his intentions are good.
You know his style isn't helping you. I know it too. But he doesn't know that. So how to deal with this?
1) Remove his intentions from the discussion. He's not a jerk, he really means well, he's just not saying the right things. Accept this as a basic principle.
2) Have a calm talk, explaining to him that you understand he means well but what he's says isn't helpful to you. It may be helpful to others, but it isn't to you and it's important that he learn about you and what works and doesn't work for you.
3) Suggest ways he can be helpful to you: by just listening because sometimes you just need to vent; by encouraging you with a "you can do it" attitude because that will lift your confidence; by letting you risk failure because failure can offer great lessons and you're not a little girl, you can handle it; by letting you do things on your own because it'll give you a sense of accomplishment, etc. etc.
Oh, and one last thing. Forget about looking to him for job placement. Given the history, you're better off looking on your own. This will remove a potential source of stress between you two.
By nameless, 21, from New York City, NY:
Hello,
I have been dating a guy for the past 6 months, and he has been wonderful to me. We get along very well, we hang out a lot, and we always have a grand old time.
However, recently, as both of us look for jobs (I'm looking for a summer internship, he's looking for a full time job) in similar fields, he has started to bring me down a lot. He openly tells me that I shouldn't waste my time applying to certain positions or jobs because I don't have a chance. He will tell his friends if there is an internship opening in a company that he's applying to, but never mentions it to me.
I have been very depressed about my own abilities lately, and I don't know if he's being brutally honest or if he's just being a jerk. I am not sure what to do because I liked him so much and haven't had a major problem with him up until now.
VictorM's advice:
Nah, he's not a jerk; he's just a typical guy. Guys in general are notorious for doing this. Instead of listening and empathizing, they try to solve the problem. It's not easy for such guys to see what they are doing wrong because in their minds, they are trying so hard to help, you just don't see it.
Believe it or not, in his mind he's really saying those things because he truly believes he's helping you. He may say you can't get the job because he wants to avoid the possibility of you getting hurt by getting rejected. Really, he's just being overprotective the way parents protect their children. And just like most parents, his intention is to protect you and help you avoid disappointment. Of course there is something wrong about the way he's doing it, but his intentions are good.
You know his style isn't helping you. I know it too. But he doesn't know that. So how to deal with this?
1) Remove his intentions from the discussion. He's not a jerk, he really means well, he's just not saying the right things. Accept this as a basic principle.
2) Have a calm talk, explaining to him that you understand he means well but what he's says isn't helpful to you. It may be helpful to others, but it isn't to you and it's important that he learn about you and what works and doesn't work for you.
3) Suggest ways he can be helpful to you: by just listening because sometimes you just need to vent; by encouraging you with a "you can do it" attitude because that will lift your confidence; by letting you risk failure because failure can offer great lessons and you're not a little girl, you can handle it; by letting you do things on your own because it'll give you a sense of accomplishment, etc. etc.
Oh, and one last thing. Forget about looking to him for job placement. Given the history, you're better off looking on your own. This will remove a potential source of stress between you two.
How do I get him to miss me back?
Submitted on Thursday, March 20, 2008
By kelsey, 14, from mississippi:
I went out with this guy i realllly liked. Then one night we went out to eat and he was acting strange. So whenever him and his family dropped me back off at home, i texted him saying "you don't act like you want to be with me anymore.." and he texted me back saying "Actually I do. I talk about you and me all the time about cody's party.." i said "i never went to that." He said: "yes you did, we made out. duh" i said no that was another girl, we weren't going out then. He said "OMG. wrong person sorry." So apparently he was texting another girl. Later that night, he said he just wanted to be friends.
I want him back, horribly bad. But he said he wants to see if he misses me. I have been crying for the past two days because of it.. how do I get him to miss me back?
Thanks! :)
VictorM's answer:
Whether he misses you or not is totally out of your hands now. But anyway, saying he wants to see if he misses you is just a lame excuse.
Anyway, even if you can't make him miss you, you can make him wish he was with you. How? Wipe away the tears and start doing things you really enjoy doing. A girl who is active, happy, and enjoying herself is the biggest attraction to guys. Conversely, one who is sullen and sad is a big turn off.
So go out there and show the world your smile and sunny disposition. If you do, this boy, and many others, will be crawling all over you.
By kelsey, 14, from mississippi:
I went out with this guy i realllly liked. Then one night we went out to eat and he was acting strange. So whenever him and his family dropped me back off at home, i texted him saying "you don't act like you want to be with me anymore.." and he texted me back saying "Actually I do. I talk about you and me all the time about cody's party.." i said "i never went to that." He said: "yes you did, we made out. duh" i said no that was another girl, we weren't going out then. He said "OMG. wrong person sorry." So apparently he was texting another girl. Later that night, he said he just wanted to be friends.
I want him back, horribly bad. But he said he wants to see if he misses me. I have been crying for the past two days because of it.. how do I get him to miss me back?
Thanks! :)
VictorM's answer:
Whether he misses you or not is totally out of your hands now. But anyway, saying he wants to see if he misses you is just a lame excuse.
Anyway, even if you can't make him miss you, you can make him wish he was with you. How? Wipe away the tears and start doing things you really enjoy doing. A girl who is active, happy, and enjoying herself is the biggest attraction to guys. Conversely, one who is sullen and sad is a big turn off.
So go out there and show the world your smile and sunny disposition. If you do, this boy, and many others, will be crawling all over you.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Message for Mary
For the sake of continuity, I posted your follow-up comment and my reply in the visitor comments section of your post. Click here.
Actual statement of boyfriend/girlfriend
Submitted on Wednesday, March 19, 2008
By AMY, 25, PALM SPRINGS, CA:
I have been dating this guy for about two months and he references himself as my boyfriend but we don't actually state that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. So my question is what is a subtle way of asking a guy where things are going without scaring him away? Thanks. Amy
VictorM's answer:
Amy, no need to ask; if he calls himself your boyfriend clearly he think of you as his girlfriend. To a lot of guys that's a "duh!" moment that doesn't have to be spelled out. But of course to you and your female mind, you need three copies of a written declaration of a relationship, signed in blood, notarized, and filed with the National archives. :-p OK, slight exaggeration.
But, do not ask where things are going. The future tense implies that a guy has to make promises, commit for life, know what he'll want when he may not know yet... all things that most guys aren't ready to talk about after a couple of months dating.
If you must ask, just ask about the present. You can just ask directly, or if you want to be coy, say something like "[a friend or your mother] asked if we two are boyfriend and girlfriend. I wasn't quite sure what to say." That'll work. It'll get you two to talk about it.
By AMY, 25, PALM SPRINGS, CA:
I have been dating this guy for about two months and he references himself as my boyfriend but we don't actually state that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. So my question is what is a subtle way of asking a guy where things are going without scaring him away? Thanks. Amy
VictorM's answer:
Amy, no need to ask; if he calls himself your boyfriend clearly he think of you as his girlfriend. To a lot of guys that's a "duh!" moment that doesn't have to be spelled out. But of course to you and your female mind, you need three copies of a written declaration of a relationship, signed in blood, notarized, and filed with the National archives. :-p OK, slight exaggeration.
But, do not ask where things are going. The future tense implies that a guy has to make promises, commit for life, know what he'll want when he may not know yet... all things that most guys aren't ready to talk about after a couple of months dating.
If you must ask, just ask about the present. You can just ask directly, or if you want to be coy, say something like "[a friend or your mother] asked if we two are boyfriend and girlfriend. I wasn't quite sure what to say." That'll work. It'll get you two to talk about it.
One night we had plans and he blew me off
Submitted on Wednesday, March 19, 2008
By Kristen Jarnagin, 29:
So I was casually dating a younger guy for just a little over three weeks, we talked everyday and hung out often. Then one night we had plans and he blew me off, I saw him out the following night but I was with another guy; the guy that I had been dating for some reason hung around close to where I was all night, he tried to talk to me, but I was distant. And so my question is: if you're going to blow me off why want to be near me, and why purposely come up behind me and put your hand on the small of my back just to say excuse me when passing, when there was plenty of room another way?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he was trying to take your temperature to see how mad you were at him. Maybe he would like to try you again, maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt to know what you're thinking about him.
Now he knows.
So I was casually dating a younger guy for just a little over three weeks, we talked everyday and hung out often. Then one night we had plans and he blew me off, I saw him out the following night but I was with another guy; the guy that I had been dating for some reason hung around close to where I was all night, he tried to talk to me, but I was distant. And so my question is: if you're going to blow me off why want to be near me, and why purposely come up behind me and put your hand on the small of my back just to say excuse me when passing, when there was plenty of room another way?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he was trying to take your temperature to see how mad you were at him. Maybe he would like to try you again, maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt to know what you're thinking about him.
Now he knows.
What do you think is wrong?
Submitted on Wednesday, March 19, 2008
By iris, 20, from florida:
I dated the guy when i was about 10 years old, it was puppy love. I moved away across town so we seperated. but we were young so it wasnt a big deal. Throughout the years, there have been a few times we have kissed and it was like fireworks. We were never available either him or i was in a relationship, so we never got to express out true feeling, such as intimacy. Now that I'm 20 years old, i just got out of a 5 year relationship, but he's been single for months now. He tells me that he wants to settle soon, and describes the women of his dreams as me. He tells me I'm a good women. He's always flirting, and looking into my eyes. He even talks dirty to me sometimes, he even let me use his own tuthbrush on an unplanned stay. But he hasn't told me if he wanted anything with me. He doesn't call me as much either, but he does everything else a man would if he is interested. What do you think is wrong?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think there's anything wrong; just you having a different expectation of how quickly things should happen.
Guys are notorious to wanting to get to know a girl in a more informal way, without having the "committed" label stamped on them. He's just sizing you at a slow pace to make sure he doesn't get into a relationship too soon.
By iris, 20, from florida:
I dated the guy when i was about 10 years old, it was puppy love. I moved away across town so we seperated. but we were young so it wasnt a big deal. Throughout the years, there have been a few times we have kissed and it was like fireworks. We were never available either him or i was in a relationship, so we never got to express out true feeling, such as intimacy. Now that I'm 20 years old, i just got out of a 5 year relationship, but he's been single for months now. He tells me that he wants to settle soon, and describes the women of his dreams as me. He tells me I'm a good women. He's always flirting, and looking into my eyes. He even talks dirty to me sometimes, he even let me use his own tuthbrush on an unplanned stay. But he hasn't told me if he wanted anything with me. He doesn't call me as much either, but he does everything else a man would if he is interested. What do you think is wrong?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think there's anything wrong; just you having a different expectation of how quickly things should happen.
Guys are notorious to wanting to get to know a girl in a more informal way, without having the "committed" label stamped on them. He's just sizing you at a slow pace to make sure he doesn't get into a relationship too soon.
Monica is so nice
Submitted on Tuesday, March 18, 2008
By Monica:
By Monica:
Just a bit of positive feedback....
I just wanted to say that I higly recommend this site...Whether he realizes it or not, Victor has been counseling me through all of my guy dramas for about 7 months now. Every single time, he has been extremely accurate and insightful. He is straight forward and to the point. He does not sugar coat anything, nor does he just tell girls what they want to hear. I feel this bond with him almost, (haha) as he now knows some of the most intimate details of my social/emotional life. I have revealed things to him that I have not revealed to my closest friends even. He has always been insightful and comforting through some of my darkest times. Additionally, he provides clarification, and keeps me from losing my cool when upset. PLEASE USE THIS SITE. It's amazing what he is doing for females everywhere. Thanks Victor....
VictorM's comment:
That's very nice of you, Monica. Thanks.
I just wanted to say that I higly recommend this site...Whether he realizes it or not, Victor has been counseling me through all of my guy dramas for about 7 months now. Every single time, he has been extremely accurate and insightful. He is straight forward and to the point. He does not sugar coat anything, nor does he just tell girls what they want to hear. I feel this bond with him almost, (haha) as he now knows some of the most intimate details of my social/emotional life. I have revealed things to him that I have not revealed to my closest friends even. He has always been insightful and comforting through some of my darkest times. Additionally, he provides clarification, and keeps me from losing my cool when upset. PLEASE USE THIS SITE. It's amazing what he is doing for females everywhere. Thanks Victor....
VictorM's comment:
That's very nice of you, Monica. Thanks.
Signs that a boy likes you
Submitted on Tuesday, March 18, 2008
By Lani, 15, from Tennessee:
I've liked this guy for a while and yes he knows I exist. My best friend even told him that I liked him, but the thing is I don't know how to tell if he likes me too. I mean, I don't think he does cause I never think anyone likes me but I just need to know the signs that a boy likes you.
VictorM's answer:
A boy may like you even if he doesn't show it. Also, a boy can do lots of things (like flirting, staring at her, etc.) that leads a girl to think he likes her but that may not be the case. So, what I'm trying to say it that it's not so easy to tell if a boy really likes you. But, if a boy changes his behavior when in your company, the odds are good that he likes you. By changing behavior I mean things like: he's very talkative and loud before you arrive but when you do, he quiets down, or vice-versa; he usually flirts with girls but stops when you're around. It doesn't have to be behavior towards do -- in fact, boys often pretend to ignore the girl they like -- but just his overall demeanor when you're around.
I've liked this guy for a while and yes he knows I exist. My best friend even told him that I liked him, but the thing is I don't know how to tell if he likes me too. I mean, I don't think he does cause I never think anyone likes me but I just need to know the signs that a boy likes you.
VictorM's answer:
A boy may like you even if he doesn't show it. Also, a boy can do lots of things (like flirting, staring at her, etc.) that leads a girl to think he likes her but that may not be the case. So, what I'm trying to say it that it's not so easy to tell if a boy really likes you. But, if a boy changes his behavior when in your company, the odds are good that he likes you. By changing behavior I mean things like: he's very talkative and loud before you arrive but when you do, he quiets down, or vice-versa; he usually flirts with girls but stops when you're around. It doesn't have to be behavior towards do -- in fact, boys often pretend to ignore the girl they like -- but just his overall demeanor when you're around.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Why guys watch porn
Submitted on Tuesday, March 18, 2008
By Adelle, 32, from South Africa:
My question is I try to understand why guys watch porn but can not came to the right answer. My husband and I have been married now for 4 year and our sex life is really bad. If we have sex 3 times a month it is a lot. I went in on his computer the other day and discover that he visits porn websites on a daily basis and when I confronted him about it his reply was he does not have a sex drive and is trying the porn. But from history what he has told me he's always been a porn lover. But why watch it if he doesn't have a sex drive nor a sex life for that matter. I am starting to think that he have an affair which he says is not. I need more sex than he is giving me and he has admited that he has an obsession over porn. How do i understand that?
VictorM's advice:
Guys watch porn because above all else, it facilitates masturbation and feeds their fantasies. Guys need some kind of visual to stay aroused (just thinking about it won't work; we need to see it). Porn provides that as the guy can select the type of model and the scenes he enjoys most.
Masturbation has in many ways advantages over sex with a partner: no coordinated horny schedules, no performance anxiety, no duration requirements, it's a more leisurely activity (a guy can stop, start, stop, start at will), and for many men, because they control the grip and the stroking, the ejaculation is more rewarding than with a female. A guy doesn't have to really have a sex drive to enjoy masturbation, in part, because the guy can just sit in front of a computer and presto! there is it, but, if for some reason he doesn't feel like it after he starts, no one gets hurt or offended. That absence of pressure automatically makes him enjoy the porn.
Being obsessed with porn is a problem because the guy starts living too much in fantasy land (fantasy is a nice place to visit but not a place you want to live in), and if he gets used too much to the grip of his hand the woman's vagina may not provide enough traction, which reduces his pleasure. Our bodies adapt easily and the penis adapts itself to whatever pressure it feels the most.
What can you do? You can stop looking at porn as competition. Unless you object to porn for moral reasons, I suggest you make it part of your sex life. Tell him you want to see a movie with him. Offer to stroke him while you do it. Ask him to tell you how he likes it done. Don't pressure him to do more than that. Ask him to show you what turns him on the most (oral sex, anal, etc.) and then if it's your thing, do more of it. Don't expect him to show you his wildest fantasies, but if you make an effort to make some of it part of your sex life he may be more willing to have more sex with you.
Look, I know all the stigma of porn. Like just about anything else, in excess it's not good. But porn is much more common than people make it out to be. For example, in the USA alone, just from legitimate porn revenues (not including what people see for free), porn generates more revenue than all the sports combined! That's a whole lot of people watching it. Instead of turning it into a source of unhappiness, use it to improve your love life.
By Adelle, 32, from South Africa:
My question is I try to understand why guys watch porn but can not came to the right answer. My husband and I have been married now for 4 year and our sex life is really bad. If we have sex 3 times a month it is a lot. I went in on his computer the other day and discover that he visits porn websites on a daily basis and when I confronted him about it his reply was he does not have a sex drive and is trying the porn. But from history what he has told me he's always been a porn lover. But why watch it if he doesn't have a sex drive nor a sex life for that matter. I am starting to think that he have an affair which he says is not. I need more sex than he is giving me and he has admited that he has an obsession over porn. How do i understand that?
VictorM's advice:
Guys watch porn because above all else, it facilitates masturbation and feeds their fantasies. Guys need some kind of visual to stay aroused (just thinking about it won't work; we need to see it). Porn provides that as the guy can select the type of model and the scenes he enjoys most.
Masturbation has in many ways advantages over sex with a partner: no coordinated horny schedules, no performance anxiety, no duration requirements, it's a more leisurely activity (a guy can stop, start, stop, start at will), and for many men, because they control the grip and the stroking, the ejaculation is more rewarding than with a female. A guy doesn't have to really have a sex drive to enjoy masturbation, in part, because the guy can just sit in front of a computer and presto! there is it, but, if for some reason he doesn't feel like it after he starts, no one gets hurt or offended. That absence of pressure automatically makes him enjoy the porn.
Being obsessed with porn is a problem because the guy starts living too much in fantasy land (fantasy is a nice place to visit but not a place you want to live in), and if he gets used too much to the grip of his hand the woman's vagina may not provide enough traction, which reduces his pleasure. Our bodies adapt easily and the penis adapts itself to whatever pressure it feels the most.
What can you do? You can stop looking at porn as competition. Unless you object to porn for moral reasons, I suggest you make it part of your sex life. Tell him you want to see a movie with him. Offer to stroke him while you do it. Ask him to tell you how he likes it done. Don't pressure him to do more than that. Ask him to show you what turns him on the most (oral sex, anal, etc.) and then if it's your thing, do more of it. Don't expect him to show you his wildest fantasies, but if you make an effort to make some of it part of your sex life he may be more willing to have more sex with you.
Look, I know all the stigma of porn. Like just about anything else, in excess it's not good. But porn is much more common than people make it out to be. For example, in the USA alone, just from legitimate porn revenues (not including what people see for free), porn generates more revenue than all the sports combined! That's a whole lot of people watching it. Instead of turning it into a source of unhappiness, use it to improve your love life.
I still don't hear from him
Submitted on Monday, March 17, 2008
By Mary, 25, from New York:
You give such great advice. It's been interesting to read everyone else's experiences on this site. I'm interested to hear your take on this situation.
I work with this guy, but we sit on different floors and we're both in different groups, so there's no daily interaction. I met him once before at a happy hour event and we had another interaction via email on a work related issue, which was probably a year or so ago. I saw him again at a friend's birthday party recently and we ended up chatting and flirting. We left the bar together and he walked me back to my apartment, and when I thanked him for walking me back, he kissed me. After I stood there, where we just stared into each other's eyes, we said our goodbyes and I walked inside.
A week passes and I still haven't heard anything from him, so I emailed him to see if he wanted to have lunch. We met up and things were a bit awkward at first, but I figured it could have been nerves on both our parts. He paid for lunch, although I offered to pay for my part, but he refused. We walked back into the building together and parted ways.
Two weeks pass and I still don't hear from him (and I haven't made any contact with him either), so I casually drop him an email suggesting we go out for drinks after work, which he agreed to. This outing went much better (perhaps due to the help of alcoholic beverages) and we made plans to have dinner the following weekend. He paid for drinks and kissed me as we parted ways.
We went to dinner the following weekend, where we had good conversation and a fun time. I ended up going back to his place where we kissed some more. I spent the night there and the next morning was not awkward whatsoever (we did not sleep together). We cuddled and talked and had breakfast. Eventually, I had to get started on my day since I had things to do so I got dressed and left. Another week passes and still no contact from.
We did meet up once more for lunch during the weekend to catch-up since we hadn't seen each other for awhile (at this point, it was about 2 weeks of no communication. The lunch was my initiation of course).
He doesn't initiate but is always up for getting together. He is also fine for going periods of time without any contact whatsoever. So my question is two-fold: Does his lack of initiative translate into him not being interested? Should I continue to stay in touch with him and suggest getting together? I'm not sure when enough is enough in this case. He seems to thoroughly enjoy my company when we are together. At this point, I feel like I've made my interest in him clear without laying all my cards on the table. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Oh, and he's in his late 20s by the way.
VictorM's answer:
No, his lack of initiating contact doesn't mean he's not interested. In fact, all other signs point to him being interested. So why doesn't he contact you? Actually, that's not at all uncommon for guy.
There are several possibilities (any or all of these could apply): guys much prefer to take things slower than girls usually do and not contacting you is his way of going slow; many guys think they either come across as bothering the other person or too eager, traits that guys are trained not to do; he's not yet sure about getting involved with someone from the same company, something that lots of people frown upon; he just doesn't know what to say past "hello".
I would suggest that you make sure he has your personal phone number and personal email address (not from work) and tell him a good time to call. Say something like: I'll be home and not busy tonight between 8 and 10 at night. I'd love to hear from you.") If you give him a precise time he knows he won't be bothering you, he may be more willing to call. Or ask him to call you after he goes to a ball game/concert/movie and tell you about it. Again, give him a time he can call.
Try some of these idea and see how it goes. But as long as he enjoys your company and keeps saying yes to you, I would not relate lack of contact with lack of interest.
You give such great advice. It's been interesting to read everyone else's experiences on this site. I'm interested to hear your take on this situation.
I work with this guy, but we sit on different floors and we're both in different groups, so there's no daily interaction. I met him once before at a happy hour event and we had another interaction via email on a work related issue, which was probably a year or so ago. I saw him again at a friend's birthday party recently and we ended up chatting and flirting. We left the bar together and he walked me back to my apartment, and when I thanked him for walking me back, he kissed me. After I stood there, where we just stared into each other's eyes, we said our goodbyes and I walked inside.
A week passes and I still haven't heard anything from him, so I emailed him to see if he wanted to have lunch. We met up and things were a bit awkward at first, but I figured it could have been nerves on both our parts. He paid for lunch, although I offered to pay for my part, but he refused. We walked back into the building together and parted ways.
Two weeks pass and I still don't hear from him (and I haven't made any contact with him either), so I casually drop him an email suggesting we go out for drinks after work, which he agreed to. This outing went much better (perhaps due to the help of alcoholic beverages) and we made plans to have dinner the following weekend. He paid for drinks and kissed me as we parted ways.
We went to dinner the following weekend, where we had good conversation and a fun time. I ended up going back to his place where we kissed some more. I spent the night there and the next morning was not awkward whatsoever (we did not sleep together). We cuddled and talked and had breakfast. Eventually, I had to get started on my day since I had things to do so I got dressed and left. Another week passes and still no contact from.
We did meet up once more for lunch during the weekend to catch-up since we hadn't seen each other for awhile (at this point, it was about 2 weeks of no communication. The lunch was my initiation of course).
He doesn't initiate but is always up for getting together. He is also fine for going periods of time without any contact whatsoever. So my question is two-fold: Does his lack of initiative translate into him not being interested? Should I continue to stay in touch with him and suggest getting together? I'm not sure when enough is enough in this case. He seems to thoroughly enjoy my company when we are together. At this point, I feel like I've made my interest in him clear without laying all my cards on the table. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Oh, and he's in his late 20s by the way.
VictorM's answer:
No, his lack of initiating contact doesn't mean he's not interested. In fact, all other signs point to him being interested. So why doesn't he contact you? Actually, that's not at all uncommon for guy.
There are several possibilities (any or all of these could apply): guys much prefer to take things slower than girls usually do and not contacting you is his way of going slow; many guys think they either come across as bothering the other person or too eager, traits that guys are trained not to do; he's not yet sure about getting involved with someone from the same company, something that lots of people frown upon; he just doesn't know what to say past "hello".
I would suggest that you make sure he has your personal phone number and personal email address (not from work) and tell him a good time to call. Say something like: I'll be home and not busy tonight between 8 and 10 at night. I'd love to hear from you.") If you give him a precise time he knows he won't be bothering you, he may be more willing to call. Or ask him to call you after he goes to a ball game/concert/movie and tell you about it. Again, give him a time he can call.
Try some of these idea and see how it goes. But as long as he enjoys your company and keeps saying yes to you, I would not relate lack of contact with lack of interest.
Message for Sam and sara
I posted your follow-ups and my comments in the visitor comments section of your respective original posts for continuity's sake.
Sam: click here.
sara: click here
Sam: click here.
sara: click here
3rd base
Submitted on Sunday, March 16, 2008
By julie, 16, from tokyo:
So me and my boyfriend are getting into 3rd base. And he asked me what are the limits. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
Third base means touching each other's genitals but often it's left to interpretation if the couples touch each other over or under the clothing and whether he can finger you, and if you're going to stroke him to ejaculation or just touch it lightly. Those are more or less the limits.
Often, of course, once you get that far it's hard to stay away from home (intercourse). He may be wondering about that too.
My guess is he's wondering if he can feel you under your clothes and if can finger you.
So me and my boyfriend are getting into 3rd base. And he asked me what are the limits. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
Third base means touching each other's genitals but often it's left to interpretation if the couples touch each other over or under the clothing and whether he can finger you, and if you're going to stroke him to ejaculation or just touch it lightly. Those are more or less the limits.
Often, of course, once you get that far it's hard to stay away from home (intercourse). He may be wondering about that too.
My guess is he's wondering if he can feel you under your clothes and if can finger you.
A guy in Martial arts
Submitted on Sunday, March 16, 2008
By Jen, 15:
I recently (about 2 months ago) met a guy in Martial arts and we exchanged numbers and etc. He would constantly call to invite me out but I was not able to go because it was a last minute invite + my parents were not comfortable with me going with someone that they have never met (that is a good thing) before. This happened about about a half dozen times. I am glad that I did not go. He then called another time to invite me to a try out for a gig/job and I was not allowed. He did not want to be alone. My parents told me to tell him that they would take me to meet him next weekend, which they did. We hung out 1 time after that before our schedules started to clash. He still would call me up to invite me out, even to celebrate with his family at his house. I had to work and could not go. We kept in contact (phone/im and etc) and one day, he calls me to go out to eat (He paid) and I was allowed and we had a great time. He even invited my mom and grandmother, but they did not go. I wanted to return the favor so I offered to pay next time. He was in awe about it and said I have never had a girl ask me out. He even was gang ho on going out dancing that weekend. He came over and we went to lunch. My mother and grandmother came along as well. He ended up paying for me after all. We all had a great time. He even hung out for a while afterwards. Now that I have time available he does not. I don't call him. He still calls and messages. He is really a nice person and we have fun when we are together. What should I do to get to know him more? We have a lot in common. I am 3 years younger and have never had a boyfriend. :)
Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
Congratulations on your first boyfriend. Sounds like a good experience so far. Fantastic.
Getting to know him will just take time. Just make sure you talk about a variety of topics and don't make it all too serious. Have fun, be silly, be corny, and above all accept that he has a life outside you. He'll need to spend time with his friends and his family. Respects that. Pay attention to how he talks about and deals with the people close to him. How he treats them says a lot about how he's going to treat you.
By Jen, 15:
I recently (about 2 months ago) met a guy in Martial arts and we exchanged numbers and etc. He would constantly call to invite me out but I was not able to go because it was a last minute invite + my parents were not comfortable with me going with someone that they have never met (that is a good thing) before. This happened about about a half dozen times. I am glad that I did not go. He then called another time to invite me to a try out for a gig/job and I was not allowed. He did not want to be alone. My parents told me to tell him that they would take me to meet him next weekend, which they did. We hung out 1 time after that before our schedules started to clash. He still would call me up to invite me out, even to celebrate with his family at his house. I had to work and could not go. We kept in contact (phone/im and etc) and one day, he calls me to go out to eat (He paid) and I was allowed and we had a great time. He even invited my mom and grandmother, but they did not go. I wanted to return the favor so I offered to pay next time. He was in awe about it and said I have never had a girl ask me out. He even was gang ho on going out dancing that weekend. He came over and we went to lunch. My mother and grandmother came along as well. He ended up paying for me after all. We all had a great time. He even hung out for a while afterwards. Now that I have time available he does not. I don't call him. He still calls and messages. He is really a nice person and we have fun when we are together. What should I do to get to know him more? We have a lot in common. I am 3 years younger and have never had a boyfriend. :)
Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
Congratulations on your first boyfriend. Sounds like a good experience so far. Fantastic.
Getting to know him will just take time. Just make sure you talk about a variety of topics and don't make it all too serious. Have fun, be silly, be corny, and above all accept that he has a life outside you. He'll need to spend time with his friends and his family. Respects that. Pay attention to how he talks about and deals with the people close to him. How he treats them says a lot about how he's going to treat you.
Monday, March 17, 2008
How can you tell if a guy wants to get back with you?
Submitted on Sunday, March 16, 2008
By D, 23-27:
How can you tell if a guy wants to get back with you? I mean, what are the most subtle things they would do or say? If it sounds like casual talk, yet I feel like it's more, how can I be more sure besides asking him? I don't want to get back with him so I am trying to play dumb to it all. We email each other back and forth on MySpace all day. Just short messages. Nothing in depth. I keep it very short. His status on myspace says "wishing things worked out differently" and his mood is "melancholy." I could be looking into it too much, but I feel like it's about me. We've been broken up for 3 months and he would have NO contact with me the whole time while I tried so hard to talk to him and get answers. He even dated another girl for a few weeks. He was cold as ice to me. But now, here he is, making a stupid myspace which he's never done before. He's said how I'm so witty and clever and make him laugh, which is something he said all the time while we were together. He said it was the main reason he liked me. Anyway, given this info- could I be looking too deeply into things? Is there a good possibility he does just want to be friends? Or does it seem like a little more to you? Just wanted an opinion. Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want just to be friends. I don't know why you broke up before but he seems interested in you again. It's not uncommon for people, after a break up, to feel lost and to forget all the problems with a previous relationship; all they can think about is the good moments. Until they get back together. Then after a while, things go sour again.
If you don't feel the same way he does, why message back and forth all day?
By D, 23-27:
How can you tell if a guy wants to get back with you? I mean, what are the most subtle things they would do or say? If it sounds like casual talk, yet I feel like it's more, how can I be more sure besides asking him? I don't want to get back with him so I am trying to play dumb to it all. We email each other back and forth on MySpace all day. Just short messages. Nothing in depth. I keep it very short. His status on myspace says "wishing things worked out differently" and his mood is "melancholy." I could be looking into it too much, but I feel like it's about me. We've been broken up for 3 months and he would have NO contact with me the whole time while I tried so hard to talk to him and get answers. He even dated another girl for a few weeks. He was cold as ice to me. But now, here he is, making a stupid myspace which he's never done before. He's said how I'm so witty and clever and make him laugh, which is something he said all the time while we were together. He said it was the main reason he liked me. Anyway, given this info- could I be looking too deeply into things? Is there a good possibility he does just want to be friends? Or does it seem like a little more to you? Just wanted an opinion. Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want just to be friends. I don't know why you broke up before but he seems interested in you again. It's not uncommon for people, after a break up, to feel lost and to forget all the problems with a previous relationship; all they can think about is the good moments. Until they get back together. Then after a while, things go sour again.
If you don't feel the same way he does, why message back and forth all day?
We always have sex after
Submitted on Saturday, March 15, 2008
By Helen, 18, from New york city:
Hi..it's me again. Ok so I'm still seeing this guy who is 33. I'm actually confused about whether this is a normal healthy relationship though..you see I've never really had a very close relationship before and well this guy..his personality that is is very genuine and he is a sensitive man. The thing is is that well we text during the day for he has work till usually 6 or 7 pm and I have day classes during that time...and we only really meet at night. And well..we always have sex after too...like every date. I do like him and I do like the sex (I lost my virginity to him)..and never imagined it to be so intense and passionate like what I experience it when with him. But you see..it's only been like this. We meet, might have dinner or tea, and then have sex. I feel comfortable and close to him but I just can't stop thinking that maybe this is purely sexual. I'm very naive in relationships and well don't really know much about men. It's strange really like how we finish each other sentences at one point and feel so close and also hold complete silent moments with each other and still feel so much and feel so close as well. Oh I hope I'm making sense. I do like him and he is a man I really would like to get to know a lot more..but maybe without being so physical all the time. I've tried making plans with him in the daytime, like to go to a library and read and spend the time together but even at those times we get really physical. My question is: can a man lose interest, even though there is mutual passion, and how can I keep it going so he won't get used to seeing me only for sex? Thank you so much for your advice really!! I'm so confused!!
VictorM's advice:
As long as you're willing to have sex he's not going to turn it down.
His intentions are rather easy to find out. Just stop having sex with him for a while. If he likes you for reasons other than sex, he will still seek your company. If all he wants is sex, he will pressure you.
But let me be very direct: you sound way too naive to be dealing with a man 15 years your senior. Based on your description I really don't see him having an interest in you other than for sex.
By Helen, 18, from New york city:
Hi..it's me again. Ok so I'm still seeing this guy who is 33. I'm actually confused about whether this is a normal healthy relationship though..you see I've never really had a very close relationship before and well this guy..his personality that is is very genuine and he is a sensitive man. The thing is is that well we text during the day for he has work till usually 6 or 7 pm and I have day classes during that time...and we only really meet at night. And well..we always have sex after too...like every date. I do like him and I do like the sex (I lost my virginity to him)..and never imagined it to be so intense and passionate like what I experience it when with him. But you see..it's only been like this. We meet, might have dinner or tea, and then have sex. I feel comfortable and close to him but I just can't stop thinking that maybe this is purely sexual. I'm very naive in relationships and well don't really know much about men. It's strange really like how we finish each other sentences at one point and feel so close and also hold complete silent moments with each other and still feel so much and feel so close as well. Oh I hope I'm making sense. I do like him and he is a man I really would like to get to know a lot more..but maybe without being so physical all the time. I've tried making plans with him in the daytime, like to go to a library and read and spend the time together but even at those times we get really physical. My question is: can a man lose interest, even though there is mutual passion, and how can I keep it going so he won't get used to seeing me only for sex? Thank you so much for your advice really!! I'm so confused!!
VictorM's advice:
As long as you're willing to have sex he's not going to turn it down.
His intentions are rather easy to find out. Just stop having sex with him for a while. If he likes you for reasons other than sex, he will still seek your company. If all he wants is sex, he will pressure you.
But let me be very direct: you sound way too naive to be dealing with a man 15 years your senior. Based on your description I really don't see him having an interest in you other than for sex.
He's super attractive, nice, successful and single
Submitted on Saturday, March 15, 2008
By Lisa, 32, from Idaho:
Okay so I met this guy about a week ago. He's super attractive, nice, successful and single. I am currently going through a divorce, which he knew about right away. Anyway, the night we met he asked for my phone number and called me right away the next day. Over the next couple of days we talked and texted about common interested we had. Even talked about going for a run together (one of the common interests we share). He had plans to go out of town for the weekend. I sent him a text on the day he left and have not heard back from him. Is that weird? Hate not knowing if someone isn't interested. Should I give it a couple days and try again or just let him get in touch with me?????
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not weird at all. He went away for the weekend. Let the man take a few breaths without having to reach for his phone, will ya?
Let him get back to you. Sounding too eager is a sure fire way to scare a guy away. And by most guys' standard, a couple of days is nothing.
By Lisa, 32, from Idaho:
Okay so I met this guy about a week ago. He's super attractive, nice, successful and single. I am currently going through a divorce, which he knew about right away. Anyway, the night we met he asked for my phone number and called me right away the next day. Over the next couple of days we talked and texted about common interested we had. Even talked about going for a run together (one of the common interests we share). He had plans to go out of town for the weekend. I sent him a text on the day he left and have not heard back from him. Is that weird? Hate not knowing if someone isn't interested. Should I give it a couple days and try again or just let him get in touch with me?????
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not weird at all. He went away for the weekend. Let the man take a few breaths without having to reach for his phone, will ya?
Let him get back to you. Sounding too eager is a sure fire way to scare a guy away. And by most guys' standard, a couple of days is nothing.
My ex's friend has begun repeatedly asking me out
Submitted on Friday, March 14, 2008
By Lucy, 18, from Australia!:
Hey Victor!
Just wondering what your take is on this:
My ex's friend has begun repeatedly asking me out. We get along well and talk everyday, but yesterday I clicked, and realised that he likes me! My ex and his friends who are about 5 of my best guy friends have told me that Cam likes me, but I don't like him!
He is a nice guy, but just not for me, and it wouldn't work if we went out. He's just asked me out for coffee again, after we went to see a movie last night. He dressed up for it and really tried hard, even changing his hairstyle! He looked much better and I commented on it, which I think may have egged him on even more!! I don't know what to do. I don't want to date him, but I keep saying yes to going out for coffee because don't want to hurt him or lose him as a friend either!
I just find it uncomfortable to be around him - he always talks about his problems with himself, his illnesses and trips to hospital, and his inability to talk to girls who are not me.
Knowing this, do you think there is any way that I could be nice and subtly hint that I don't want to go out with him any more than coffee as friends?
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no subtle way as long as you keep saying yes to his invitations. Guys aren't very good at getting hints. You have to start turning him down because otherwise he's going to get encouraged. And make your intentions clear. How he reacts to that information is not your responsibility.
By Lucy, 18, from Australia!:
Hey Victor!
Just wondering what your take is on this:
My ex's friend has begun repeatedly asking me out. We get along well and talk everyday, but yesterday I clicked, and realised that he likes me! My ex and his friends who are about 5 of my best guy friends have told me that Cam likes me, but I don't like him!
He is a nice guy, but just not for me, and it wouldn't work if we went out. He's just asked me out for coffee again, after we went to see a movie last night. He dressed up for it and really tried hard, even changing his hairstyle! He looked much better and I commented on it, which I think may have egged him on even more!! I don't know what to do. I don't want to date him, but I keep saying yes to going out for coffee because don't want to hurt him or lose him as a friend either!
I just find it uncomfortable to be around him - he always talks about his problems with himself, his illnesses and trips to hospital, and his inability to talk to girls who are not me.
Knowing this, do you think there is any way that I could be nice and subtly hint that I don't want to go out with him any more than coffee as friends?
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no subtle way as long as you keep saying yes to his invitations. Guys aren't very good at getting hints. You have to start turning him down because otherwise he's going to get encouraged. And make your intentions clear. How he reacts to that information is not your responsibility.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Does he genuinely want to be a friend?
Submitted on Thursday, March 13, 2008
By sara, from uk:
Well, in case you were missing me i thought i'd return!!
well the guy that i was on about before has been back in touch again...i don't know why but i started talking to him again. cut a long story short....he's contacting me 3-4 times a day on msn or by texting....i don't contact him ever. he's still being flirtatious and has drunk dialed me once to ask me over....to which i said no way mister! the following day he then announced that he thought it was better that we were just friends and that he's stopped sleeping with his 'female friends' that he's had 'flings' with cos it just complicates things. i agreed with him.
since then he's been in touch all the time...has offered to come running with me....and has been flirty with me too. i'm just a bit confused as to what the hell he wants haha. one minute we're just friends and we shouldn't sleep together...and then the next day he may change his mind and get quite sexual with me in convos etc....
i know that if he wanted to be with me he just would...so is this just a big game? or does he genuinely want to be a friend?
thank you!! i know your answer probably won't have changed much from my last posts to me...but my head is in the shed again...so need your words of wisdom to keep me on the straight and narrow! xxx
VictorM's advice:
Hi sara. Nice to hear from you.
Does he genuinely just want to be friends? With a girl he has the hots for? With whom he flirts when the mood strikes? And who gets quite sexual from time to time when having conversations? Hell no!!! He's just changing his tactics and exercising more patience to get you in bed.
If he said he had changed his ways and now recognizes he's in love with you, well... I'd still be skeptical but I'd be more willing to believe that. But just friends? With you? No way!
By sara, from uk:
Well, in case you were missing me i thought i'd return!!
well the guy that i was on about before has been back in touch again...i don't know why but i started talking to him again. cut a long story short....he's contacting me 3-4 times a day on msn or by texting....i don't contact him ever. he's still being flirtatious and has drunk dialed me once to ask me over....to which i said no way mister! the following day he then announced that he thought it was better that we were just friends and that he's stopped sleeping with his 'female friends' that he's had 'flings' with cos it just complicates things. i agreed with him.
since then he's been in touch all the time...has offered to come running with me....and has been flirty with me too. i'm just a bit confused as to what the hell he wants haha. one minute we're just friends and we shouldn't sleep together...and then the next day he may change his mind and get quite sexual with me in convos etc....
i know that if he wanted to be with me he just would...so is this just a big game? or does he genuinely want to be a friend?
thank you!! i know your answer probably won't have changed much from my last posts to me...but my head is in the shed again...so need your words of wisdom to keep me on the straight and narrow! xxx
VictorM's advice:
Hi sara. Nice to hear from you.
Does he genuinely just want to be friends? With a girl he has the hots for? With whom he flirts when the mood strikes? And who gets quite sexual from time to time when having conversations? Hell no!!! He's just changing his tactics and exercising more patience to get you in bed.
If he said he had changed his ways and now recognizes he's in love with you, well... I'd still be skeptical but I'd be more willing to believe that. But just friends? With you? No way!
A ridiculously passionate, if not almost obsessive, relationship
Submitted on Thursday, March 13, 2008 By Anna, 26, from MI:
Dear Victor,
Several months ago, I got into a relationship with a guy that I've known (and had a crush on) for the past 7 years, although our [contact] during this time was limited. After the 9 years, we first simply started hanging out as friend but our friendship grew into a ridiculously passionate, if not almost obsessive, relationship. Even though he lives four hours away (because of school), we have been together at least every second week, sometimes more often for the past 3 months, talking on the phone 2-3 hours a day, texting at least a 100 times a day. He has never given any reason for me to doubt his commitment to me.
Problem is that he got offered a job in my town for a couple of months with a pretty decent offer, but I don't think that he wants to take it and he keeps giving me reasons, like financially not worth it, but all I'm hearing is that I'm not worth it. And I suspect that he doesn't want a real job either and doesn't want to deal with the responsibility of being an adult yet.
I am not the clingy type of girl that always needs a man in her life, and don't mean to come off that way, but I love this guy so much that even the thought that he wouldn't do everything possible to be with me, especially when the other is right there in front of him, devastates me so much that I don't think I'll be able to get over this for a long time. Because I can't help but feel this way, I can't deal with a weekend relationship when I know that I don't necessarily have to, so because I feel this way, I don't want to give him an ultimatum or act like a crazy irrational female, so unless he comes to be with me, I want to end the relationship.
Am I being stupid? How can I explain it to him so that he will understand what I'm feeling.. can you please enlighten me?
VictorM's advice:
You're not being stupid; you're just being a... female. :-p
Basically, you're saying you love this guy so much that you could care less if this is a bad job opportunity for him, you just want to think of yourself and your needs. Never mind that he'll be spending more time at work than with you; all it matters is your feelings and how you see the world. Wow... with passionate lovers like you, who needs love?
That, of course, was a guy's view of the issue. I understand that it's not all so black and white, but guys do have a more dispassionate way of looking at things such as this. We have basically a much more practical approach and consider things other than the ability to spend more time together.
Do you see the irony of thinking that his job decision is a reflection of your worth to him, yet you're willing to end the relationship with a guy you feel passionate about over it? Why would you do that? After all, if he doesn't take the job, all it means is things stay as they are. It's not like his decision would cause you two to see each other less than now.
This is a typical case of males and females looking at things differently. You're making an emotional decision, he's making a practical one. You want his decision about work to be a statement of your relationship; he's trying to make a decision about work being a statement about his career. I'm not saying you should be happy about it but you shouldn't see his decision as an assessment of your worth.
Dear Victor,
Several months ago, I got into a relationship with a guy that I've known (and had a crush on) for the past 7 years, although our [contact] during this time was limited. After the 9 years, we first simply started hanging out as friend but our friendship grew into a ridiculously passionate, if not almost obsessive, relationship. Even though he lives four hours away (because of school), we have been together at least every second week, sometimes more often for the past 3 months, talking on the phone 2-3 hours a day, texting at least a 100 times a day. He has never given any reason for me to doubt his commitment to me.
Problem is that he got offered a job in my town for a couple of months with a pretty decent offer, but I don't think that he wants to take it and he keeps giving me reasons, like financially not worth it, but all I'm hearing is that I'm not worth it. And I suspect that he doesn't want a real job either and doesn't want to deal with the responsibility of being an adult yet.
I am not the clingy type of girl that always needs a man in her life, and don't mean to come off that way, but I love this guy so much that even the thought that he wouldn't do everything possible to be with me, especially when the other is right there in front of him, devastates me so much that I don't think I'll be able to get over this for a long time. Because I can't help but feel this way, I can't deal with a weekend relationship when I know that I don't necessarily have to, so because I feel this way, I don't want to give him an ultimatum or act like a crazy irrational female, so unless he comes to be with me, I want to end the relationship.
Am I being stupid? How can I explain it to him so that he will understand what I'm feeling.. can you please enlighten me?
VictorM's advice:
You're not being stupid; you're just being a... female. :-p
Basically, you're saying you love this guy so much that you could care less if this is a bad job opportunity for him, you just want to think of yourself and your needs. Never mind that he'll be spending more time at work than with you; all it matters is your feelings and how you see the world. Wow... with passionate lovers like you, who needs love?
That, of course, was a guy's view of the issue. I understand that it's not all so black and white, but guys do have a more dispassionate way of looking at things such as this. We have basically a much more practical approach and consider things other than the ability to spend more time together.
Do you see the irony of thinking that his job decision is a reflection of your worth to him, yet you're willing to end the relationship with a guy you feel passionate about over it? Why would you do that? After all, if he doesn't take the job, all it means is things stay as they are. It's not like his decision would cause you two to see each other less than now.
This is a typical case of males and females looking at things differently. You're making an emotional decision, he's making a practical one. You want his decision about work to be a statement of your relationship; he's trying to make a decision about work being a statement about his career. I'm not saying you should be happy about it but you shouldn't see his decision as an assessment of your worth.
How do I know he only wants me for the sex?
Submitted on Thursday, March 13, 2008
By cynthia, 27, from california:
How do I know he only wants me for the sex?
VictorM's advice:
Cut out or reduce the sex for a while and see if he sticks around.
By cynthia, 27, from california:
How do I know he only wants me for the sex?
VictorM's advice:
Cut out or reduce the sex for a while and see if he sticks around.
Texting and cheating
Submitted on Thursday, March 13, 2008
By Tracy Flanagan, 38, from Grant, FL:
Is a text message affair the same as cheating?
VictorM's answer:
Some people see it as no different than going to a stripper's place. Meaning, it's all just fun and games. But everything that is done over the objection of a partner is cause for concern. At a minimum, it is disrespectful to you. Cheating is a betrayal of trust and that's something that only you can decide.
Is a text message affair the same as cheating?
VictorM's answer:
Some people see it as no different than going to a stripper's place. Meaning, it's all just fun and games. But everything that is done over the objection of a partner is cause for concern. At a minimum, it is disrespectful to you. Cheating is a betrayal of trust and that's something that only you can decide.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Doing the single thing
Submitted on Thursday, March 13, 2008
By T, 25, from Ireland:
Hi. I broke up with my boyfriend in July last year but we've still remained friends on and off. We have decided about a month ago to try and get on and just see how things go. We're getting on really well and things are good. But I have a problem this weekend all his friends (who are friends of mine too) are organising a night out and they've asked me to go. Now me and my ex have been out together a few things but not necessary in a club. I'm not sure whether to go or not because I don't want to be in his way if he'd rather do the single thing and I really wouldn't want to see that but how do I ask him in a nice way so that he'll give me an honest answer. I don't want him to tell me I can go just because he feels he has too. If he wanted to do his own thing I would understand plus I'd really prefer not to be there if he was going to do the single thing. Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
Don't bother asking him because he's going to tell you what you want to hear, not what will really happen that night.
If you're the one who is going to be bothered by his possible behavior, you're the one that has to avoid going.
By T, 25, from Ireland:
Hi. I broke up with my boyfriend in July last year but we've still remained friends on and off. We have decided about a month ago to try and get on and just see how things go. We're getting on really well and things are good. But I have a problem this weekend all his friends (who are friends of mine too) are organising a night out and they've asked me to go. Now me and my ex have been out together a few things but not necessary in a club. I'm not sure whether to go or not because I don't want to be in his way if he'd rather do the single thing and I really wouldn't want to see that but how do I ask him in a nice way so that he'll give me an honest answer. I don't want him to tell me I can go just because he feels he has too. If he wanted to do his own thing I would understand plus I'd really prefer not to be there if he was going to do the single thing. Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
Don't bother asking him because he's going to tell you what you want to hear, not what will really happen that night.
If you're the one who is going to be bothered by his possible behavior, you're the one that has to avoid going.
I'm too nervous of what he thinks
Submitted on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
Hi, it's me again. I met a new guy.. and he's perfect. I realized that my last relationship (the guy with the ex girlfriend whose problems got in the way of our relationship) was not good to me like I thought he was. This new guy treats me like people say a perfect guy should. He looks into my eyes for a long time, tells all of his friends how happy he is with me, and does ANYTHING to try to see me even if he has to cancel his plans. I am crazy about him as well, but I'm too nervous of what he thinks. Luckily we just started dating about two weeks ago. I'm afraid to be intimate with him because I worry about what he will think. He is experienced and well, I lost my virginity to the guy before but I am not that experienced. We broke up soon after. It scares me how perfect he is and I feel I am not good enough. I think us getting closer will only push him away. Even though I am comfortable with him, how can I stop worrying so much?
VictorM's advice:
Use your fear of his judgment as a barometer that you're not ready for intimacy yet.
Get to know him better before you get too far ahead of yourself. If indeed he's perfect, he'll understand and give you all the time you need without pressuring you.
Just have fun with the guy. Enjoy his company and the attention he pays you. When the right time comes to move forward you'll know it because you'll look forward to it, not fear it.
Trust me on this: perfect guys prefer girls who don't put out too easily.
PS. I remember your previous question, but using "Anonymous" as a name makes it harder for me. Make up a name and stick to it when you come back. And believe me, you will be back. How do I know? Simple. You called him perfect. You're in for some disappointment in the near future.
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
Hi, it's me again. I met a new guy.. and he's perfect. I realized that my last relationship (the guy with the ex girlfriend whose problems got in the way of our relationship) was not good to me like I thought he was. This new guy treats me like people say a perfect guy should. He looks into my eyes for a long time, tells all of his friends how happy he is with me, and does ANYTHING to try to see me even if he has to cancel his plans. I am crazy about him as well, but I'm too nervous of what he thinks. Luckily we just started dating about two weeks ago. I'm afraid to be intimate with him because I worry about what he will think. He is experienced and well, I lost my virginity to the guy before but I am not that experienced. We broke up soon after. It scares me how perfect he is and I feel I am not good enough. I think us getting closer will only push him away. Even though I am comfortable with him, how can I stop worrying so much?
VictorM's advice:
Use your fear of his judgment as a barometer that you're not ready for intimacy yet.
Get to know him better before you get too far ahead of yourself. If indeed he's perfect, he'll understand and give you all the time you need without pressuring you.
Just have fun with the guy. Enjoy his company and the attention he pays you. When the right time comes to move forward you'll know it because you'll look forward to it, not fear it.
Trust me on this: perfect guys prefer girls who don't put out too easily.
PS. I remember your previous question, but using "Anonymous" as a name makes it harder for me. Make up a name and stick to it when you come back. And believe me, you will be back. How do I know? Simple. You called him perfect. You're in for some disappointment in the near future.
Is it okay if I ask him to stop talking to his ex?
Submitted on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
By Sandy, 25, from Washington:
Hello!
I just meet a guy and everything is going very well. Except.. that he is still talking to his ex as friend.
I'm not comfortable with that. Last week, he went on a trip with her (he told me that if he knew that he would meet me he wouldn't do that but because all the travel was organized he have no chocie) But.....he still asking her to do some stuff with her this week!!. I know he will not returned or flirt with her but is it okay if I ask that guy to stop talking to his ex? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think it's a good idea to ask him to stop talking to her. It's too selfish and doesn't allow him to understand why you're asking.
What I think is a better idea is to tell him how you feel about it. Talk about your feelings only and explain to him why you feel the way you do.
If he's more concerned with her feelings than yours or if you can't verbalize why it bothers you, well... you have a problem.
By Sandy, 25, from Washington:
Hello!
I just meet a guy and everything is going very well. Except.. that he is still talking to his ex as friend.
I'm not comfortable with that. Last week, he went on a trip with her (he told me that if he knew that he would meet me he wouldn't do that but because all the travel was organized he have no chocie) But.....he still asking her to do some stuff with her this week!!. I know he will not returned or flirt with her but is it okay if I ask that guy to stop talking to his ex? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think it's a good idea to ask him to stop talking to her. It's too selfish and doesn't allow him to understand why you're asking.
What I think is a better idea is to tell him how you feel about it. Talk about your feelings only and explain to him why you feel the way you do.
If he's more concerned with her feelings than yours or if you can't verbalize why it bothers you, well... you have a problem.
He never phoned me
Submitted on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
By Amber, 20, from Ontario:
I have a real dilemma...I liked this guy a while back and he found out about it, and said he wasn't ready for a relationship but he thought that something could happen in the future. He's never had a girlfriend and is quite shy. In the end, nothing really happened between us but we stayed good friends. The other night we were all out at a bar, and one of his friends went out of his way and asked me for my phone number, and I gave it to him. He ended up going home with the guy I used to like, and he never phoned me. The thing is, whenever I'm with another guy, the guy I used to like acts jealous and gets uncomfortable. I ended up seeing the guy that asked for my phone number again, and he told me to call him if I wanted...I don't get what's going on here?? Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Your question is not very clear to me. I'm going to assume some stuff.
If you're asking why the guy you used to like acts jealous and gets uncomfortable, I'd say it's because even thought he wasn't ready for a relationship with you he nevertheless wants your attention and he doesn't like seeing you share it with other guys.
If you're asking why the phone number guy didn't call and said you can call him if you want, he's basically saying you're OK but not much more than that. Basically, he'll go out with you if you want to, but he's not going to make much of an effort.
Now, is there a connection between the two guys? Possibly. Maybe phone guy knows shy guy likes and he doesn't want to get too involved with you because of it.
By Amber, 20, from Ontario:
I have a real dilemma...I liked this guy a while back and he found out about it, and said he wasn't ready for a relationship but he thought that something could happen in the future. He's never had a girlfriend and is quite shy. In the end, nothing really happened between us but we stayed good friends. The other night we were all out at a bar, and one of his friends went out of his way and asked me for my phone number, and I gave it to him. He ended up going home with the guy I used to like, and he never phoned me. The thing is, whenever I'm with another guy, the guy I used to like acts jealous and gets uncomfortable. I ended up seeing the guy that asked for my phone number again, and he told me to call him if I wanted...I don't get what's going on here?? Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Your question is not very clear to me. I'm going to assume some stuff.
If you're asking why the guy you used to like acts jealous and gets uncomfortable, I'd say it's because even thought he wasn't ready for a relationship with you he nevertheless wants your attention and he doesn't like seeing you share it with other guys.
If you're asking why the phone number guy didn't call and said you can call him if you want, he's basically saying you're OK but not much more than that. Basically, he'll go out with you if you want to, but he's not going to make much of an effort.
Now, is there a connection between the two guys? Possibly. Maybe phone guy knows shy guy likes and he doesn't want to get too involved with you because of it.
Strangely kind of jealous intimate behavior
Submitted on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
By Cindy, 22, from Rhode Island:
Well...I have been hooking up with this guy for a couple of weeks now. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years, and he was just looking for a fuck buddy. I was completely fine with this situation. No strings...no lunches...no nothing really. Just friendly sex. Well lately he has been acting a little strange. One day he came over my house, and I thought we would have sex. I was laying on my bed half naked, and all he wanted to do was talk to me about things. Then we didn't really speak for a week. Then I saw him last night at a bar. He came over and said hi and hugged me. Then he said "why haven't you called me?" I was like...why haven't you called me? And then he asked me why I didn't call him to tell him I would be at that particular bar that night. I was confused by these statements. Then I noticed he kept staring at my breasts. So I said...are you having fun staring at them? And he said to me...I would rather stare at your beautiful face than anything. Later on, I ended up going to his house...having amazing sex with him and then cuddling a bit. Then again...we had great morning sex. After about 20 mins of being awake...he got up and got dressed...I did the same. Then I said...well I have to go and do some things. He looked so hurt when I said I was leaving and sad. And when he kissed me goodbye...he gave me this really sweet half on the lips half on my cheek kiss.
I am confused by his behavior. We perfectly stated that this was just a fuck buddy relationship. But then there was all this strangely kind of jealous intimate behavior. What does this mean? Am I reading into it too much?
Thanks.
VictorM's answer:
Things change. It's that simple. Sometimes people fall out of love with another, sometimes they fall in love. I'm not saying he's in love with you but it seems that you're growing on him beyond just sex. Whatever he felt at the beginning (being fuck buddies) may no longer hold up.
Now, that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you. Maybe he wishes you had other qualities that are missing and he may be thinking why isn't she more like this or like that, whatever it may be. It's one thing to enjoy a girl as a fuck buddy, it's quite another to think of her as serious material.
By Cindy, 22, from Rhode Island:
Well...I have been hooking up with this guy for a couple of weeks now. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years, and he was just looking for a fuck buddy. I was completely fine with this situation. No strings...no lunches...no nothing really. Just friendly sex. Well lately he has been acting a little strange. One day he came over my house, and I thought we would have sex. I was laying on my bed half naked, and all he wanted to do was talk to me about things. Then we didn't really speak for a week. Then I saw him last night at a bar. He came over and said hi and hugged me. Then he said "why haven't you called me?" I was like...why haven't you called me? And then he asked me why I didn't call him to tell him I would be at that particular bar that night. I was confused by these statements. Then I noticed he kept staring at my breasts. So I said...are you having fun staring at them? And he said to me...I would rather stare at your beautiful face than anything. Later on, I ended up going to his house...having amazing sex with him and then cuddling a bit. Then again...we had great morning sex. After about 20 mins of being awake...he got up and got dressed...I did the same. Then I said...well I have to go and do some things. He looked so hurt when I said I was leaving and sad. And when he kissed me goodbye...he gave me this really sweet half on the lips half on my cheek kiss.
I am confused by his behavior. We perfectly stated that this was just a fuck buddy relationship. But then there was all this strangely kind of jealous intimate behavior. What does this mean? Am I reading into it too much?
Thanks.
VictorM's answer:
Things change. It's that simple. Sometimes people fall out of love with another, sometimes they fall in love. I'm not saying he's in love with you but it seems that you're growing on him beyond just sex. Whatever he felt at the beginning (being fuck buddies) may no longer hold up.
Now, that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you. Maybe he wishes you had other qualities that are missing and he may be thinking why isn't she more like this or like that, whatever it may be. It's one thing to enjoy a girl as a fuck buddy, it's quite another to think of her as serious material.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Adding a few sex toys to our bedroom routine
Submitted on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
By Ann, 36, from Texas:
Hi, Victor. I have an amazing sexual relationship with this guy, but lately I've been wondering about adding a few sex toys to our bedroom routine. He's fairly traditional though, so I'm a little concerned that he'll think I'm a freak. Do guys typically feel threatened or intimidated by sex toys? Do they want to be the only toy in the room? And how can I tell if he says he's OK with it, but he's really not? I don't want to do anything that would kill the moment, if you know what I mean. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
This is not one of those things that I can classify as "most guys think...". This is a very individual type thing. Some guys will be totally fine with anything that enhances your sexual pleasure, other will be totally offended and think they don't satisfy you. Let's say the first kind are grown adults and the second kind are little children.
Is your guy a grown adult or a little child? Only you can answer that.
In any case, don't wait for "the moment" to spring this on the guy. This is the type of thing that grown adults discuss as part of their healthy communications practices so that "the moment" isn't spoiled by a surprise.
You don't sound like the kind of woman that would be happy in a relationship with a little child. So I would suggest you bring it up because if he's a grown adult he can handle it, and if he's a little child... well, don't let the diapers hit on on the ass on his way out the door.
(Somewhere there's a US Senator saying: "Did someone say diapers?)
By Ann, 36, from Texas:
Hi, Victor. I have an amazing sexual relationship with this guy, but lately I've been wondering about adding a few sex toys to our bedroom routine. He's fairly traditional though, so I'm a little concerned that he'll think I'm a freak. Do guys typically feel threatened or intimidated by sex toys? Do they want to be the only toy in the room? And how can I tell if he says he's OK with it, but he's really not? I don't want to do anything that would kill the moment, if you know what I mean. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
This is not one of those things that I can classify as "most guys think...". This is a very individual type thing. Some guys will be totally fine with anything that enhances your sexual pleasure, other will be totally offended and think they don't satisfy you. Let's say the first kind are grown adults and the second kind are little children.
Is your guy a grown adult or a little child? Only you can answer that.
In any case, don't wait for "the moment" to spring this on the guy. This is the type of thing that grown adults discuss as part of their healthy communications practices so that "the moment" isn't spoiled by a surprise.
You don't sound like the kind of woman that would be happy in a relationship with a little child. So I would suggest you bring it up because if he's a grown adult he can handle it, and if he's a little child... well, don't let the diapers hit on on the ass on his way out the door.
(Somewhere there's a US Senator saying: "Did someone say diapers?)
I really want to get revenge on him
Submitted on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
By dana, 35, from raleigh:
My ex and I recently broke up. We still talk. I'll text him and ask him to call and he does. I consider us to be friends, but recently he went to jail for 2 weeks because of a traffic violation. He needed my help like finding him a lawyer and making appointments and helping him find volunteer work and stuff. Before he left he acted like he needed me and now he's been home for a week and I have not heard from him except to ask me a silly question about who sang a song. I thought that we were friends but now I can't help but feel used. I want to confront him but I don't know how. I really want to get revenge on him. We were cool until he got out of jail and I don't want to lose his little bit of friendship because I do care about him. Should I text him and confront him or should I text him and tell him to go to hell.
VictorM's advice:
If you do care about him, stop it with the revenge nonsense.
Look, he needed you and you were there to help. That's not being used, that's being a friend. If you ever need him, would he help you just the same? I don't know the answer to that, but that's how you compare apples and apples.
He's back from prison for one week. Do you suppose he might have more important things to do than call you on a timetable that's suitable to you? I think that's quite possible.
Don't confront him and don't tell him to go to hell. Call him and ask if he's doing OK. That is, if in fact you do want his friendship.
By dana, 35, from raleigh:
My ex and I recently broke up. We still talk. I'll text him and ask him to call and he does. I consider us to be friends, but recently he went to jail for 2 weeks because of a traffic violation. He needed my help like finding him a lawyer and making appointments and helping him find volunteer work and stuff. Before he left he acted like he needed me and now he's been home for a week and I have not heard from him except to ask me a silly question about who sang a song. I thought that we were friends but now I can't help but feel used. I want to confront him but I don't know how. I really want to get revenge on him. We were cool until he got out of jail and I don't want to lose his little bit of friendship because I do care about him. Should I text him and confront him or should I text him and tell him to go to hell.
VictorM's advice:
If you do care about him, stop it with the revenge nonsense.
Look, he needed you and you were there to help. That's not being used, that's being a friend. If you ever need him, would he help you just the same? I don't know the answer to that, but that's how you compare apples and apples.
He's back from prison for one week. Do you suppose he might have more important things to do than call you on a timetable that's suitable to you? I think that's quite possible.
Don't confront him and don't tell him to go to hell. Call him and ask if he's doing OK. That is, if in fact you do want his friendship.
Message for BES
For the sake of continuity I added your new submission and my comments under your original question. You can read it by clicking here.
He can never call me himself
Submitted on Tuesday, March 11, 2008
By Tyla, 21, from chicago:
I called this guy that I like over the weekend, and we talked for over 2 hours, and it wasn't awkward at all. Then, I called him 2-3 times this week, and we talked every time and I actually saw him in person. But, he can never call me himself, and I don't know why.
VictorM's advice:
As I always say here, guys hate, hate, hate the phone, more so when they have to be the ones making the call.
Totally unrelated to your question, I was reading my usual political blogs and one one of them brought up the topic about guys and the phone. What follows below are quotes from popular political bloggers about their feelings towards phone calls:
By Tyla, 21, from chicago:
I called this guy that I like over the weekend, and we talked for over 2 hours, and it wasn't awkward at all. Then, I called him 2-3 times this week, and we talked every time and I actually saw him in person. But, he can never call me himself, and I don't know why.
VictorM's advice:
As I always say here, guys hate, hate, hate the phone, more so when they have to be the ones making the call.
Totally unrelated to your question, I was reading my usual political blogs and one one of them brought up the topic about guys and the phone. What follows below are quotes from popular political bloggers about their feelings towards phone calls:
I think many guys feel this way. It's quite possible that your guy is one of these.PHONE HOSTILITY....Lots of hating on telephones today:
Yglesias: "I couldn't be more thrilled with the phone's decline. I used to be painfully shy as a person, and while I've largely gotten over that IRL I still find it incredibly stressful to talk to people on the phone."
Atrios: "I think I enjoyed chatting with girls when I was 13 or so, but since then I've pretty much hated the phone."
Alan Jacobs: "This is a loathing I share, and have for a long time."
McMegan: "Weird fact: every single (successful) blogger I know hates talking on the phone. I'm gregarious face to face, and I'm an inveterate user of various kinds of textual messaging, but I would rather scrub my floors with a toothbrush than get on the phone."
Though I guess it's worth noting the difference between making and receiving calls. I don't like to make calls all that much, mainly because I'm afraid I'll be annoying somebody. But receiving calls is pretty stress free.
I hate not being trusted
Submitted on Tuesday, March 11, 2008
By Mariana, 23, from Argentina:
I had to make an appearance. I need the attention :P
No, seriously... I'm worried. Remember I told you a while ago that my boyfriend doesn't trust anyone? He really doesn't. I don't know why he got the idea that I'm capable of cheating on him. I'm aware of the fact that he can't know for certain I'm not going to cheat on him, that my moral values prevent me from doing that especially for my peace of mind's sake.
I'm no saint, I can fantasize about other guys but I'd never do anything about it. I made a commitment to him and I wouldn’t risk our relationship for a fling.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do. It’s not like he’s obsessed with the idea or anything, but occasionally it pops up. I just hate it when he thinks I’d do somthing like that. Whenever I say something that “sounds” untrue he thinks I’m lying, or like the other day: we were talking about the places where we… got intimate :P and I mentioned a little bathroom in my house. I really thought I was there with him but turns out we never did it in the bathroom, I was there with my ex 2 years ago when we were dating. Now… my stupidity lead me to lie and try to convince him it was with him (just to be right) so I told him I never was there with my ex. Guess what came across his thoughts! That if I wasn’t there with him or my ex, I must have been there with someone else!
I admit it, that one was my fault. Still I hate not being trusted! That day I told him what I feel and I just started crying (PMS!). I was so angry! Whenever I cry he breaks down and tries to comfort me and tells me he hates to see me cry and that he loves me. And no, I don’t use that “technique” to have my ways with him, it’s an honest act of sadness, anger and impotence.
The thing is: everything else in this relationship is pretty much perfect. For the first time I feel someone looks after me and wants to have a future with me but I’m afraid this trusting thing will tear us apart. I don’t know how long I can stand his lack of trust so I want to fix it because it’s bothering me more that it is bothering him. He talks about it, spills it out and then forgets about the subject but I still feel hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Welcome back (and check your forum PMs, will ya?)
Anyway... I remember you bringing this up. I thought it was positive that he thinks his jealousy is a problem, but nothing will get fixed unless he seeks professional therapy to understand why he is the way he is and how to address it.
YOU can't fix this problem because this is not YOUR problem, it's HIS! It's important that you realize this point and think of it in those terms. HE is the one with a problem and HE is the one that needs to fix it.
There is nothing... I repeat NOTHING... you can do to stop him from mistrusting you. If you locked yourself in a room with no doors and no windows to prove to him that you'd never cheat he's still think there's a hidden door somewhere. You are starting to march down the very lonely road of giving in to his shortcoming by measuring your words and even lying to prove to him that you're not lying. It is a recipe for disaster. You will pay the price because the more you give up, the more you will need to give up. It won't stop. A distrusting person is like the Terminator... just keeps on looking for lies in every word, every gesture, every situation.
Stop with the statements that you'd never cheat. Don't you think that every cheater says that? It's senseless because again, his mistrusts is not about you; it's about him! He would feel the way he does about any girl he dates. The problem is not you!
Let's face reality: he's never going to seek the therapy he needs. Even if he did, there's no guarantee it would ever work. Given that, and given that there's nothing you can do about how he feels, all that's left is to go over how you can deal with it. All that you have control over are your emotions and how to deal with things.
You have to stop acting defensive about this. You are giving him control of the situation and it must stop! Whether you see it or not, he exercises his mistrust of you as a form of control over you. You are the one that constantly has to justify and explain and hide and lie. He'll keep on bringing it up and making it an issue as long as you cower and defer to his words.
Remember this keyword: control! Every time he starts a discussion with you about this, remember the word "control." Let that be the signal for you to refuse to allow him to put you against a corner. Then, rather than explain, justify, and lie, simply tell him that whatever he's thinking is not true but if it he makes him happy to think so, to go ahead. Then leave the conversation altogether. For example, when he first said you must have been in the bathroom with another guy, your reply needs to be: "If it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And walk away. If he accuses you of flirting with a boy, don't go into explanations and how you would never do that blah blah... just say, in a stern tone of voice: "What you are saying is not true but it it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And walk away.
Every time he brings up his distrust, say basically the same thing ("If it makes you happy to believe it, so be it") and walk away. You have to stop rewarding his distrust with crying, getting angry, or displaying any kind of attention that puts him in control of the conversation. If anything, he should be the one on the defensive about his behavior, not you. His jealousy is what's wrong, not what you do. And you shouldn't have to get to a crying point to make it so obvious.
With the examples I mentioned, you turn the conversation from your behavior into one about his happiness. Basically what you're saying is: Is it making you happy to believe this? If not, then stop thinking it! That's the message you want to send. It's all about him, not about you. When he sees you talking to a boy, he is the one that has to modify his behavior, you shouldn't have to stop talking to other guys.
This won't be easy. He will get angry at first. But if you keep your cool and remind him that it's his problem and he has to deal with it, eventually he'll come to realize that he lost control. Could this threaten your relationship? Yes, it could. But do you really want to live your life with a guy that eventually will turn every move you make into a possible nightmare?
(The bathroom? Really? You naughty girl! :) )
By Mariana, 23, from Argentina:
I had to make an appearance. I need the attention :P
No, seriously... I'm worried. Remember I told you a while ago that my boyfriend doesn't trust anyone? He really doesn't. I don't know why he got the idea that I'm capable of cheating on him. I'm aware of the fact that he can't know for certain I'm not going to cheat on him, that my moral values prevent me from doing that especially for my peace of mind's sake.
I'm no saint, I can fantasize about other guys but I'd never do anything about it. I made a commitment to him and I wouldn’t risk our relationship for a fling.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do. It’s not like he’s obsessed with the idea or anything, but occasionally it pops up. I just hate it when he thinks I’d do somthing like that. Whenever I say something that “sounds” untrue he thinks I’m lying, or like the other day: we were talking about the places where we… got intimate :P and I mentioned a little bathroom in my house. I really thought I was there with him but turns out we never did it in the bathroom, I was there with my ex 2 years ago when we were dating. Now… my stupidity lead me to lie and try to convince him it was with him (just to be right) so I told him I never was there with my ex. Guess what came across his thoughts! That if I wasn’t there with him or my ex, I must have been there with someone else!
I admit it, that one was my fault. Still I hate not being trusted! That day I told him what I feel and I just started crying (PMS!). I was so angry! Whenever I cry he breaks down and tries to comfort me and tells me he hates to see me cry and that he loves me. And no, I don’t use that “technique” to have my ways with him, it’s an honest act of sadness, anger and impotence.
The thing is: everything else in this relationship is pretty much perfect. For the first time I feel someone looks after me and wants to have a future with me but I’m afraid this trusting thing will tear us apart. I don’t know how long I can stand his lack of trust so I want to fix it because it’s bothering me more that it is bothering him. He talks about it, spills it out and then forgets about the subject but I still feel hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Welcome back (and check your forum PMs, will ya?)
Anyway... I remember you bringing this up. I thought it was positive that he thinks his jealousy is a problem, but nothing will get fixed unless he seeks professional therapy to understand why he is the way he is and how to address it.
YOU can't fix this problem because this is not YOUR problem, it's HIS! It's important that you realize this point and think of it in those terms. HE is the one with a problem and HE is the one that needs to fix it.
There is nothing... I repeat NOTHING... you can do to stop him from mistrusting you. If you locked yourself in a room with no doors and no windows to prove to him that you'd never cheat he's still think there's a hidden door somewhere. You are starting to march down the very lonely road of giving in to his shortcoming by measuring your words and even lying to prove to him that you're not lying. It is a recipe for disaster. You will pay the price because the more you give up, the more you will need to give up. It won't stop. A distrusting person is like the Terminator... just keeps on looking for lies in every word, every gesture, every situation.
Stop with the statements that you'd never cheat. Don't you think that every cheater says that? It's senseless because again, his mistrusts is not about you; it's about him! He would feel the way he does about any girl he dates. The problem is not you!
Let's face reality: he's never going to seek the therapy he needs. Even if he did, there's no guarantee it would ever work. Given that, and given that there's nothing you can do about how he feels, all that's left is to go over how you can deal with it. All that you have control over are your emotions and how to deal with things.
You have to stop acting defensive about this. You are giving him control of the situation and it must stop! Whether you see it or not, he exercises his mistrust of you as a form of control over you. You are the one that constantly has to justify and explain and hide and lie. He'll keep on bringing it up and making it an issue as long as you cower and defer to his words.
Remember this keyword: control! Every time he starts a discussion with you about this, remember the word "control." Let that be the signal for you to refuse to allow him to put you against a corner. Then, rather than explain, justify, and lie, simply tell him that whatever he's thinking is not true but if it he makes him happy to think so, to go ahead. Then leave the conversation altogether. For example, when he first said you must have been in the bathroom with another guy, your reply needs to be: "If it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And walk away. If he accuses you of flirting with a boy, don't go into explanations and how you would never do that blah blah... just say, in a stern tone of voice: "What you are saying is not true but it it makes you happy to believe it, so be it." And walk away.
Every time he brings up his distrust, say basically the same thing ("If it makes you happy to believe it, so be it") and walk away. You have to stop rewarding his distrust with crying, getting angry, or displaying any kind of attention that puts him in control of the conversation. If anything, he should be the one on the defensive about his behavior, not you. His jealousy is what's wrong, not what you do. And you shouldn't have to get to a crying point to make it so obvious.
With the examples I mentioned, you turn the conversation from your behavior into one about his happiness. Basically what you're saying is: Is it making you happy to believe this? If not, then stop thinking it! That's the message you want to send. It's all about him, not about you. When he sees you talking to a boy, he is the one that has to modify his behavior, you shouldn't have to stop talking to other guys.
This won't be easy. He will get angry at first. But if you keep your cool and remind him that it's his problem and he has to deal with it, eventually he'll come to realize that he lost control. Could this threaten your relationship? Yes, it could. But do you really want to live your life with a guy that eventually will turn every move you make into a possible nightmare?
(The bathroom? Really? You naughty girl! :) )
I caught him flirting with my roommate
Submitted on Monday, March 10, 2008
By Maria, 20, from Boise, ID
By Maria, 20, from Boise, ID
I have recently been really into a guy. Except I have been oblivious to his actions at first. He's been the sweetest guy to me, like on Valentine's day when we first started talking he let me use his shoes to walk in for almost 4 miles just so I don't have to walk in heels. A couple days later we started kissing. Then didn't see each other until two days later at dinner. We didn't say one word and he addmited that it was awkward. Then he agreed that it was a couple more days after. We agreed to work on friendship since we don't know each other that well and friendship should be the foundation. But since then, we haven't spoken a word to each other if our friends are around. And I caught him flirting with my roommate and he kept looking over to see my reaction. Any advice to get him back?
VictorM's advice:
I think "awkward" was another word for "this isn't as exciting as I thought." Somehow he thought kissing you would turn him into a prince but, alas, he's still the same guy. And he thinks that maybe your roommate might be the magic lips that transforms him. So why would he want to come back to you? Besides, his feet are probably still sore.
I doubt he wants you to have him back -- did you really even have him in the first place? I think not -- but if you stand a chance you have to make it happen by talking to him and stop agreeing to things you don't want.
VictorM's advice:
I think "awkward" was another word for "this isn't as exciting as I thought." Somehow he thought kissing you would turn him into a prince but, alas, he's still the same guy. And he thinks that maybe your roommate might be the magic lips that transforms him. So why would he want to come back to you? Besides, his feet are probably still sore.
I doubt he wants you to have him back -- did you really even have him in the first place? I think not -- but if you stand a chance you have to make it happen by talking to him and stop agreeing to things you don't want.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I'm already bored
Submitted on Monday, March 10, 2008
By Sara, 24, from Seattle:
By Sara, 24, from Seattle:
I don't know what to do. I've been in a relationship for about six months and I'm already bored. He says he likes me and things are going well when I confront him about the relationship, but I don't know what else to do. This guy I used to be crazy for, in my mind, is turning into just another one of my friends.
I want someone romantic and chivalrous, but that doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary. He has yet to buy flowers or a card. I would blame this on immaturity, but he's nearly ten years older than me. I also understand that he's in medical residency, but that doesn't mean the world around him has stopped.
Why is he such an unromantic dork? Why doesn't he even try to make things more interesting? How does he even think this is a good relationship? Does he think he doesn't even have to try to keep me around?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys are total duds when it comes to romantic and thoughtful gestures. They enjoy the girl for herself and make no requests. Really, when was the last time a guy complained that he didn't get tickets to a sporting event or a six-pack of his favorite beer from his girlfriend? Guys simply are much lower maintenance creatures than females and they treat girls the same way they like to be treated.
So, if you want some change in your relationship, you may have to change boyfriends (and risk starting this process all over, which is quite likely), or you can try to train this guy, realizing that he's not a mind reader and every woman has different requests that chance by the minute just when a guy thinks he's gotten her figured out.
If you choose to go the training route, I suggest you don't accuse him of wrongdoing or insult him. A better approach is to communicate your likes and your feelings. For example, tell him "I love to get surprises, like flowers or a card" instead of "You never give me flowers or a card." It wouldn't hurt for you to lead by example and do some of what you preach (but send him things you know he likes, not what you would like). If and when he does something right, reward him and praise him. When he doesn't, be patient and get in training mode.
Just a warning: some guys never understand just how needy girls can get about trinkets and other useless stuff as demonstrations of love and affection. It's a mystery beyond comprehension how a $2.99 card written by some geeks at Hallmark can spell the difference between happiness and misery in female land. If you can make this guy understand that, you'll be Woman of the Year in Seattle! :)
I want someone romantic and chivalrous, but that doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary. He has yet to buy flowers or a card. I would blame this on immaturity, but he's nearly ten years older than me. I also understand that he's in medical residency, but that doesn't mean the world around him has stopped.
Why is he such an unromantic dork? Why doesn't he even try to make things more interesting? How does he even think this is a good relationship? Does he think he doesn't even have to try to keep me around?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys are total duds when it comes to romantic and thoughtful gestures. They enjoy the girl for herself and make no requests. Really, when was the last time a guy complained that he didn't get tickets to a sporting event or a six-pack of his favorite beer from his girlfriend? Guys simply are much lower maintenance creatures than females and they treat girls the same way they like to be treated.
So, if you want some change in your relationship, you may have to change boyfriends (and risk starting this process all over, which is quite likely), or you can try to train this guy, realizing that he's not a mind reader and every woman has different requests that chance by the minute just when a guy thinks he's gotten her figured out.
If you choose to go the training route, I suggest you don't accuse him of wrongdoing or insult him. A better approach is to communicate your likes and your feelings. For example, tell him "I love to get surprises, like flowers or a card" instead of "You never give me flowers or a card." It wouldn't hurt for you to lead by example and do some of what you preach (but send him things you know he likes, not what you would like). If and when he does something right, reward him and praise him. When he doesn't, be patient and get in training mode.
Just a warning: some guys never understand just how needy girls can get about trinkets and other useless stuff as demonstrations of love and affection. It's a mystery beyond comprehension how a $2.99 card written by some geeks at Hallmark can spell the difference between happiness and misery in female land. If you can make this guy understand that, you'll be Woman of the Year in Seattle! :)
I really do like one of his friends
Submitted on Monday, March 10, 2008
By megan, 16, from alvarado:
My boyfriend and I just broke up but I really do like one of his friends but I don't know if he would go out with me. How do I bring the question up or get him to ask me out?
VictorM's advice:
Do not ask him out. Just setup opportunities for the two of you to be alone and make it easy for him to ask you out. Here are examples of how you do that: tell him that you're going to the mall and if he's going to be there to say hello to you; tell him you'd like to see a certain movie but you don't like going alone (this opens the door for him to volunteer to take you).
How he responds will give you an idea if he's interested or not.
By megan, 16, from alvarado:
My boyfriend and I just broke up but I really do like one of his friends but I don't know if he would go out with me. How do I bring the question up or get him to ask me out?
VictorM's advice:
Do not ask him out. Just setup opportunities for the two of you to be alone and make it easy for him to ask you out. Here are examples of how you do that: tell him that you're going to the mall and if he's going to be there to say hello to you; tell him you'd like to see a certain movie but you don't like going alone (this opens the door for him to volunteer to take you).
How he responds will give you an idea if he's interested or not.
I have been torturing myself
Submitted on Monday, March 10, 2008
By Anabella, 26, from Miami:
I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. It has been 8 weeks now and I have cut communication completely. He has been respectful and has not called me, emailed me or texted me at all, since that is what I asked him to do. The reason we broke up is complicated but in essence despite the fact that we had an amazing relationship he was not sure he loved me and therefore could not tell me so. We spent every single day together, did everything together and had a very intense, passionate relationship but he was still unsure. For the past 8 weeks I have been doing a lot to keep my mind away from him. In the past 3 days I have had a relapse and all I want is to call him or text me and I have been torturing myself by not doing it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't call, you'll always wonder if you should have called or if things could have worked out between you two. That's a lifetime's worth of torture.
If you call him and his response is a disappointment, it will give you heartache but it will also give you finality. I believe it will be a worthwhile trade-off because you'll know once and for all that you made the right decision by breaking up the last time around. And of course, there's always the very slim / insignificant / virtually zero chance that what you're hoping / wishing / daydreaming happened: that he's now magically in love with you.
I say call him. But remember the saying: "Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed."
By Anabella, 26, from Miami:
I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. It has been 8 weeks now and I have cut communication completely. He has been respectful and has not called me, emailed me or texted me at all, since that is what I asked him to do. The reason we broke up is complicated but in essence despite the fact that we had an amazing relationship he was not sure he loved me and therefore could not tell me so. We spent every single day together, did everything together and had a very intense, passionate relationship but he was still unsure. For the past 8 weeks I have been doing a lot to keep my mind away from him. In the past 3 days I have had a relapse and all I want is to call him or text me and I have been torturing myself by not doing it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't call, you'll always wonder if you should have called or if things could have worked out between you two. That's a lifetime's worth of torture.
If you call him and his response is a disappointment, it will give you heartache but it will also give you finality. I believe it will be a worthwhile trade-off because you'll know once and for all that you made the right decision by breaking up the last time around. And of course, there's always the very slim / insignificant / virtually zero chance that what you're hoping / wishing / daydreaming happened: that he's now magically in love with you.
I say call him. But remember the saying: "Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed."
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
We have this incredible mutual attraction
Submitted on Sunday, March 09, 2008
By Mira, 22, from Washington:
I was talking to this guy for a couple of months. We have this incredible mutual attraction. However, he lives in an entirely other state, and I met him on a visit and we used to talk online. Not only that, he had many "female friends" and I got the impression he was a huge flirt. We lost touch--but last week, he calls me to say that he's in town with a few friends. I invited him and his buddies out one night, and we had ended up having an awesome time! I'm all confused now though: is he still interested in me, or does he just want to be friends?? help!
VictorM's advice:
He may be interested in the sense that he finds you sexually appealing, but I don't think he's interested in the way that you mean.
Guys don't seek to be just friends with girls they are incredibly attracted to, so friendship is not his motivation now. But it never was, hence the loss of touch.
What guy wouldn't want to be around a pleasantly attractive girl who is a lot of fun? He was in town, you're attractive and fun, and willing to party. So why not?
Don't go reading more into it. And don't go expecting phone calls to follow.
By Mira, 22, from Washington:
I was talking to this guy for a couple of months. We have this incredible mutual attraction. However, he lives in an entirely other state, and I met him on a visit and we used to talk online. Not only that, he had many "female friends" and I got the impression he was a huge flirt. We lost touch--but last week, he calls me to say that he's in town with a few friends. I invited him and his buddies out one night, and we had ended up having an awesome time! I'm all confused now though: is he still interested in me, or does he just want to be friends?? help!
VictorM's advice:
He may be interested in the sense that he finds you sexually appealing, but I don't think he's interested in the way that you mean.
Guys don't seek to be just friends with girls they are incredibly attracted to, so friendship is not his motivation now. But it never was, hence the loss of touch.
What guy wouldn't want to be around a pleasantly attractive girl who is a lot of fun? He was in town, you're attractive and fun, and willing to party. So why not?
Don't go reading more into it. And don't go expecting phone calls to follow.
If a guy checks a girl's text message...
Submitted on Sunday, March 09, 2008
By anonymous, 15, from san francisco:
If a guy checks a girl's text message, does it mean the guy likes the girl?
VictorM's advice:
He may like the girl but that action just means he's curious. A guy could do that to a girl he likes as well as to a girl he doesn't care about.
You need to look elsewhere for signs of his interest.
By anonymous, 15, from san francisco:
If a guy checks a girl's text message, does it mean the guy likes the girl?
VictorM's advice:
He may like the girl but that action just means he's curious. A guy could do that to a girl he likes as well as to a girl he doesn't care about.
You need to look elsewhere for signs of his interest.
Why do you think he emailed me?
Submitted on Sunday, March 09, 2008
By Returning customer :), 23:
My on and off boyfriend dumped me a few months ago. He mostly ignored me for so long, telling me to please leave him alone when I would text him. It was really hard.
I got a simple email from him on Friday. Telling me to check out Limewire or something and that he had a computer finally. I asked how he was and he said good, he was his usually doofy self. We did just a little small talk, then I asked why he decided to email me. If he truly wanted to say hi, or if he was just excited about getting his computer set up. I said "I know you're probably thinking Ugh, here we go again" because I can never just keep things simple and go with the flow, but I don't care. It's more important to me to know why you decided to email me.
He wrote back and said:
"Ugh, I was just saying hi. I'm sorry you're upset but I really don't want to talk about anything serious. You don't have to write back if it upsets you."
I'm pissed that he pulled the whole "ugh" thing even when I pointed out that I knew he would think that. He broke my heart, and he knew it, I can't believe he'd be so mean in that quick email. The truth is, I'm almost sure that if I would have kept things cool, we would have hung out again in no time. But I couldn't help it. Maybe I've gained some dignity of some sort...
Why do you think he emailed me? Any idea? Thanks as always.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know, maybe it's just my sense of humor but it sounds to me that his use of "ugh" was a joke, considering your reply. You know him better, do you think it could be just a joke?
Anyway, you're his ex, not his mortal enemy, not someone he despises, and he probably has some fondness towards you. I can see him being excited about his new computer and emailing several people, you being one of them, for no particular reason.
That's right, no particular reason, no plot, no thought given to it, no hours of discussion with his friends about it, no ulterior motives, no consideration to what you might think. Nothing. It's totally possible that he emailed you for no particular reason. I know, I know, in the mind of a female that sounds really weird, odd, and illogical. Not so in guy world.
By Returning customer :), 23:
My on and off boyfriend dumped me a few months ago. He mostly ignored me for so long, telling me to please leave him alone when I would text him. It was really hard.
I got a simple email from him on Friday. Telling me to check out Limewire or something and that he had a computer finally. I asked how he was and he said good, he was his usually doofy self. We did just a little small talk, then I asked why he decided to email me. If he truly wanted to say hi, or if he was just excited about getting his computer set up. I said "I know you're probably thinking Ugh, here we go again" because I can never just keep things simple and go with the flow, but I don't care. It's more important to me to know why you decided to email me.
He wrote back and said:
"Ugh, I was just saying hi. I'm sorry you're upset but I really don't want to talk about anything serious. You don't have to write back if it upsets you."
I'm pissed that he pulled the whole "ugh" thing even when I pointed out that I knew he would think that. He broke my heart, and he knew it, I can't believe he'd be so mean in that quick email. The truth is, I'm almost sure that if I would have kept things cool, we would have hung out again in no time. But I couldn't help it. Maybe I've gained some dignity of some sort...
Why do you think he emailed me? Any idea? Thanks as always.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know, maybe it's just my sense of humor but it sounds to me that his use of "ugh" was a joke, considering your reply. You know him better, do you think it could be just a joke?
Anyway, you're his ex, not his mortal enemy, not someone he despises, and he probably has some fondness towards you. I can see him being excited about his new computer and emailing several people, you being one of them, for no particular reason.
That's right, no particular reason, no plot, no thought given to it, no hours of discussion with his friends about it, no ulterior motives, no consideration to what you might think. Nothing. It's totally possible that he emailed you for no particular reason. I know, I know, in the mind of a female that sounds really weird, odd, and illogical. Not so in guy world.
He hasn't called me now for a week
Submitted on Sunday, March 09, 2008
By Julie, 47, from San francisco:
I have a quandry. We fell in love three years ago. One year after that I started "other projects" and became very "high maintenance" and pushy and didn't have time for him. We started an on and off again relationship. He moved to Denver part time, I start dating 6 months ago and told him. We are still in contact tho'. Never did invite me out to see him although I wanted to.
Finally, went to see him after xmas 2007 and had a lovely time. Told him I'd realized I was high maintenance and I loved him and was sorry and that I loved him. He said "thank you," but then later he said he loved me. Now, when he found out he has cancer, and I completely overreacted when he told me he "might" love someone else, not sure, just wanted to be friends, I don't know how to both express my sincere love (I got sober, joined aa, realized I was self centered and wrong) AND be supportive to a cancer patient getting ready for serious surgery. I also am doing his tax return. I focus on not feeling sorry for myself, and write him get well cards, and leave supportive voice mails 2x or so a week. He hasn't called me now for a week, and I think I called him last. What to do? He is moving back here in July / August. I wrote to tell him that I love him and will wait for him. He said not to, go out have fun. But I am still in love with him, and as I recover in AA, know that I will be a much better person and am, every day. I will be ready. But how to communicate with him?? Thoughts? Just say I am thinking of him? Do I NOT tell him I love him? I asked him that and he said he takes it as a "friend's love" and has feelings for me and always will but for now its not working (said that after I cried on the phone when he said he didn't want me there after his surgery). It's a major surgery. He is only 41. Help?
VictorM's advice:
First, this guy is no longer into you. That much is clear. Your constant contact and confessions of love are most likely annoying him and will drive him away instead of bringing him closer to you. If pushed he will say what you need, like he has feelings for you. But face it -- he doesn't! He's just saying it so you won't cry.
My advice to you is to drop all and every signs of love. Just be a friend. A friend when he needs one, not when you need him. Don't pester him and don't intrude on his life. If indeed you have changed, he will notice it. Maybe he'll regain his romantic interest for you, maybe he won't, but your best chance is if you allow him to see you on his terms.
Also, the guy has cancer. I would think that calling you back or thinking about you are not at the top of his list.
By Julie, 47, from San francisco:
I have a quandry. We fell in love three years ago. One year after that I started "other projects" and became very "high maintenance" and pushy and didn't have time for him. We started an on and off again relationship. He moved to Denver part time, I start dating 6 months ago and told him. We are still in contact tho'. Never did invite me out to see him although I wanted to.
Finally, went to see him after xmas 2007 and had a lovely time. Told him I'd realized I was high maintenance and I loved him and was sorry and that I loved him. He said "thank you," but then later he said he loved me. Now, when he found out he has cancer, and I completely overreacted when he told me he "might" love someone else, not sure, just wanted to be friends, I don't know how to both express my sincere love (I got sober, joined aa, realized I was self centered and wrong) AND be supportive to a cancer patient getting ready for serious surgery. I also am doing his tax return. I focus on not feeling sorry for myself, and write him get well cards, and leave supportive voice mails 2x or so a week. He hasn't called me now for a week, and I think I called him last. What to do? He is moving back here in July / August. I wrote to tell him that I love him and will wait for him. He said not to, go out have fun. But I am still in love with him, and as I recover in AA, know that I will be a much better person and am, every day. I will be ready. But how to communicate with him?? Thoughts? Just say I am thinking of him? Do I NOT tell him I love him? I asked him that and he said he takes it as a "friend's love" and has feelings for me and always will but for now its not working (said that after I cried on the phone when he said he didn't want me there after his surgery). It's a major surgery. He is only 41. Help?
VictorM's advice:
First, this guy is no longer into you. That much is clear. Your constant contact and confessions of love are most likely annoying him and will drive him away instead of bringing him closer to you. If pushed he will say what you need, like he has feelings for you. But face it -- he doesn't! He's just saying it so you won't cry.
My advice to you is to drop all and every signs of love. Just be a friend. A friend when he needs one, not when you need him. Don't pester him and don't intrude on his life. If indeed you have changed, he will notice it. Maybe he'll regain his romantic interest for you, maybe he won't, but your best chance is if you allow him to see you on his terms.
Also, the guy has cancer. I would think that calling you back or thinking about you are not at the top of his list.
I was a virgin when I met him
Submitted on Sunday, March 09, 2008
By carmen, 19, from wisconsin:
I was dating a guy that left for college and well our relationship struggeled to say the least. we broke up.. the distance and him wanting to experience college life to the fullest just wasn't working for me. we're pretty young so I can't blame him for wanting to experience it all..We were emotionally intimate very close and in love. Because I was a virgin when I met him and knew he was leaving for college and what that entailed. I wouldn't give myself to him fully, he respected that and actually kinda loved my whole purity thing..lol of course when he went off to school we tried to hang on... dumb I know and of course he was with girls a lot, apparently. While he was away I visited him so I knew some of his college friends. He and I had an odd thing going between us. I can't even really explain it but he texted me to tell me that his best friend at school had finally had sex for the first time with this girl that ran around with his group, his friend wasn't really into her it was kind of a drunken thing maybe. His friend kinda liked her, that was never really clear, but the guy I dated told me al these stories about his best friend and this girl and it was really kind of trashy that's why he told me. He thought it was funny, I guess. Anyway , he and I parted, not really on good terms, both of us hurt each other emotionally and we went our separate ways. Right after we split he contacts the girl that devirginized his best friend and they start seeing each other while at school and are apparently "in a relationship" well the guy I dated is also roomates with his best friend that slept with his now girlfriend. And that whole circle of friends that they hang with knows all the in's and out's of the sex that had gone on with her and the best friend...they live in apt very close to each other and well apt walls are thin...lol I'm a virgin, so maybe I'm just not "cool about sex" but is this behavior on my ex part normal? wtf is he thinking and isn't all that kind of awkward? I find the whole situation kind of gross and I'm really confused. He loved that I was a virgin and respected and was proud of that..now he is with a girl that has slept with his roomates on numerous accounts and everybody knows and he is like seriously dating her. What's up with that? Please explain.
VictorM's answer:
Seriously, it all sounds very normal to me.
First, about the common girl between friends. That is generally not a problem among guys. I wouldn't be surprised if the two guys sit around and compare notes about her sexual performance. Remember, guys don't necessarily associate sex with feelings. But further, doesn't appear that love is involved here. It certainly wasn't with the first guy. Could your ex have developed feelings for her? Quite possibly, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's just enjoying the sex.
As for him appreciating your virginity and hanging out with this girl? Simple: can't a guy love filet mignon but also enjoy a hamburger? I think so. People can like more than one thing, even when they are different.
By carmen, 19, from wisconsin:
I was dating a guy that left for college and well our relationship struggeled to say the least. we broke up.. the distance and him wanting to experience college life to the fullest just wasn't working for me. we're pretty young so I can't blame him for wanting to experience it all..We were emotionally intimate very close and in love. Because I was a virgin when I met him and knew he was leaving for college and what that entailed. I wouldn't give myself to him fully, he respected that and actually kinda loved my whole purity thing..lol of course when he went off to school we tried to hang on... dumb I know and of course he was with girls a lot, apparently. While he was away I visited him so I knew some of his college friends. He and I had an odd thing going between us. I can't even really explain it but he texted me to tell me that his best friend at school had finally had sex for the first time with this girl that ran around with his group, his friend wasn't really into her it was kind of a drunken thing maybe. His friend kinda liked her, that was never really clear, but the guy I dated told me al these stories about his best friend and this girl and it was really kind of trashy that's why he told me. He thought it was funny, I guess. Anyway , he and I parted, not really on good terms, both of us hurt each other emotionally and we went our separate ways. Right after we split he contacts the girl that devirginized his best friend and they start seeing each other while at school and are apparently "in a relationship" well the guy I dated is also roomates with his best friend that slept with his now girlfriend. And that whole circle of friends that they hang with knows all the in's and out's of the sex that had gone on with her and the best friend...they live in apt very close to each other and well apt walls are thin...lol I'm a virgin, so maybe I'm just not "cool about sex" but is this behavior on my ex part normal? wtf is he thinking and isn't all that kind of awkward? I find the whole situation kind of gross and I'm really confused. He loved that I was a virgin and respected and was proud of that..now he is with a girl that has slept with his roomates on numerous accounts and everybody knows and he is like seriously dating her. What's up with that? Please explain.
VictorM's answer:
Seriously, it all sounds very normal to me.
First, about the common girl between friends. That is generally not a problem among guys. I wouldn't be surprised if the two guys sit around and compare notes about her sexual performance. Remember, guys don't necessarily associate sex with feelings. But further, doesn't appear that love is involved here. It certainly wasn't with the first guy. Could your ex have developed feelings for her? Quite possibly, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's just enjoying the sex.
As for him appreciating your virginity and hanging out with this girl? Simple: can't a guy love filet mignon but also enjoy a hamburger? I think so. People can like more than one thing, even when they are different.
Message for Aya
Go read the visitor comments here. (That's a link to your original submission. I posted your latest comment and my reply there to maintain topic continuity).
He keeps blowing hot and cold at me
Submitted on Saturday, March 08, 2008
By Nikki, 16:
I don't understand him....
There is an irritating boy I know who I met through a mutual friend and he keeps blowing hot and cold at me... he used to ignore me e.g. he wouldn't even look my way or acknowledge my presence, let alone talk to me at all, he wouldn't even say hello or goodbye...but all of a sudden at the moment whenever we talk he's always trying to make eye contact and all the time he's smiling at me, and he seems interested in what I have to say and he listens to me intently now, and he's always cracking jokes whenever I'm around and he's always laughing, and he always gives me a huge smile and says goodbye when he leaves (which he has never done before)...he has NEVER been like this with me before...and I'm really confused with his sudden change in behaviour and why he's acting this way towards me now.
Thanks for your help
Nikki :)
VictorM's answer:
Simple: you must have grown boobs!
I'm not kidding. What I mean is, in his eyes, you've gone from a little kid to a sexual attraction.
By Nikki, 16:
I don't understand him....
There is an irritating boy I know who I met through a mutual friend and he keeps blowing hot and cold at me... he used to ignore me e.g. he wouldn't even look my way or acknowledge my presence, let alone talk to me at all, he wouldn't even say hello or goodbye...but all of a sudden at the moment whenever we talk he's always trying to make eye contact and all the time he's smiling at me, and he seems interested in what I have to say and he listens to me intently now, and he's always cracking jokes whenever I'm around and he's always laughing, and he always gives me a huge smile and says goodbye when he leaves (which he has never done before)...he has NEVER been like this with me before...and I'm really confused with his sudden change in behaviour and why he's acting this way towards me now.
Thanks for your help
Nikki :)
VictorM's answer:
Simple: you must have grown boobs!
I'm not kidding. What I mean is, in his eyes, you've gone from a little kid to a sexual attraction.
He had cheated on me twice
Submitted on Saturday, March 08, 2008
By Jessica, 15, from Alger:
Woah, I'm really confused =/
I dated this guy for like two years, and along with that relationship he had cheated on me twice. But he apologized, I didn't really care... It took him a while to earn my trust back. But when you love someone thats what you're suppose to do, is try and work things out, right? Well, it was like 2 days after our 2 year annual thing I guess you could say. We broke up. He called and said "I think we need to take a break."
I got on my space and looked at his my space page. He had this girl on his number one I wasn't even on there. And like all he said is we need to take a break, not see other people. So I go to school, I do see him glance at me occasionally, and we gave each other back all of our stuff and so it's been 2 weeks. He randomly calls me out of the blue. It hurt me soo bad to hear his voice but I'm trying so hard to move on, it's like very intolerable. I'm having mixed emotions. It's so confusing cause I lost my virginity to this boy and for some reason nothing will just let me get over him. I came so close to not even thinking about him and he just had to call me :(
Soo will you give me advise please
<3 Jessica
VictorM's advice:
You don't always have to make things right with someone you love. If that person is bad for you, walking away makes more sense.
You're doing the right thing now. The boy lost interest in you. Sure, he took your virginity, but why let him take away your future happiness? Don't let him. Stay clear of him as much as you can. Getting over someone takes time. Right now is the hardest part, but as time goes on it gets easier. Just stay strong.
By Jessica, 15, from Alger:
Woah, I'm really confused =/
I dated this guy for like two years, and along with that relationship he had cheated on me twice. But he apologized, I didn't really care... It took him a while to earn my trust back. But when you love someone thats what you're suppose to do, is try and work things out, right? Well, it was like 2 days after our 2 year annual thing I guess you could say. We broke up. He called and said "I think we need to take a break."
I got on my space and looked at his my space page. He had this girl on his number one I wasn't even on there. And like all he said is we need to take a break, not see other people. So I go to school, I do see him glance at me occasionally, and we gave each other back all of our stuff and so it's been 2 weeks. He randomly calls me out of the blue. It hurt me soo bad to hear his voice but I'm trying so hard to move on, it's like very intolerable. I'm having mixed emotions. It's so confusing cause I lost my virginity to this boy and for some reason nothing will just let me get over him. I came so close to not even thinking about him and he just had to call me :(
Soo will you give me advise please
<3 Jessica
VictorM's advice:
You don't always have to make things right with someone you love. If that person is bad for you, walking away makes more sense.
You're doing the right thing now. The boy lost interest in you. Sure, he took your virginity, but why let him take away your future happiness? Don't let him. Stay clear of him as much as you can. Getting over someone takes time. Right now is the hardest part, but as time goes on it gets easier. Just stay strong.
Monday, March 10, 2008
It ends up he's married, which I didn't know before
Submitted on Friday, March 07, 2008
By Carrie Smith, 32, from Mexico:
I've been dating this guy for 2 years, off and on. Off- because it ends up he's married, which I didn't know before. He keeps saying he's going to end things with his wife, but the last time he tried she went into serious depression, stopped eating, etc., so now they're living together again so he can take care of her and the kid they have together. He says that as soon as she's better he's going to end things with her to be with me. I'm wondering if I'm really stupid to wait for that to happen. The problem is I keep thinking that since they're living together, maybe they're having relationships, etc., and I keep asking him if he's really being honest that he'll leave her. He's responding by saying "My intention is to end the marriage. I believe I'm going to end it." ? So if a guy says that what does it mean? That he's thinking he will or won't end it, but wants to keep me on the side?
VictorM's advice:
He lied to you at first; what makes you believe he's a truthful person now?
He stays because his wife got depressed? If that's so, it means him leaving is not just up to him, it's up to her too.
I don't know about his intentions, but if I were you I'd stay away and tell him to get back to you once he's divorced. Otherwise, welcome to the world of being a mistress (that is what you are now).
By Carrie Smith, 32, from Mexico:
I've been dating this guy for 2 years, off and on. Off- because it ends up he's married, which I didn't know before. He keeps saying he's going to end things with his wife, but the last time he tried she went into serious depression, stopped eating, etc., so now they're living together again so he can take care of her and the kid they have together. He says that as soon as she's better he's going to end things with her to be with me. I'm wondering if I'm really stupid to wait for that to happen. The problem is I keep thinking that since they're living together, maybe they're having relationships, etc., and I keep asking him if he's really being honest that he'll leave her. He's responding by saying "My intention is to end the marriage. I believe I'm going to end it." ? So if a guy says that what does it mean? That he's thinking he will or won't end it, but wants to keep me on the side?
VictorM's advice:
He lied to you at first; what makes you believe he's a truthful person now?
He stays because his wife got depressed? If that's so, it means him leaving is not just up to him, it's up to her too.
I don't know about his intentions, but if I were you I'd stay away and tell him to get back to you once he's divorced. Otherwise, welcome to the world of being a mistress (that is what you are now).
I have always had a tiny crush on him
Submitted on Friday, March 07, 2008
By Lisa, 18:
Victor, please, I really need your advice. Me and N have been friends for 6 years and I have always had a tiny crush on him. A year and a half ago, I dated B who was the all around perfect boyfriend. But after a year of our relationship, we started fading apart and me and N started talking in a more sexual level. I broke up with B because I liked both B and N. Then B completely left me to be with another girl. Although I was really upset with this issue, I tried to make things work with N. Me and N went out for 2 months, and he was the worst boyfriend ever. He never called, he didnt show affection, he was just boring, the whole time I was with N, I would think about B. But N ended up breaking up with me, and we decided that we would just stay good friends just like we were before we started liking eachother. about two weeks after we broke up, me and B got back together, and at first everything was fine. But then a month later, I started to really like N again. I dont know what to do, its hard because his friends are also my friends, and hes assigned to sit next to me in one of my classes. Sometimes when were at a party, and N's under the influence, he'll put his hand on my leg. Does this mean he might still have feelings for me even though he was the one who broke it off? How do I get over N if there is no way to ignore him? And why am i not commited to B who is the perfect boyfriend(not to mention he is much cuter than N) but I have dreams of N and have strong feelings for N who is the worst boyfriend possible with an extremely boring personality? Why does it seem like when Im with B I want N, when Im with N, I want B? Do I just want what I cant have? Please help me Victor! Im so confused! thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Wow, this sounds like a cheerleader routine. Give me a B. Give me an N. Give me a B. Give me an N.
Anyway... N touching your leg just means he's horny. Feelings have nothing to do with it.
You bounce back and forth because you know deep inside that neither one of them is the right guy for you. Thinking about the other when you're with one of them is just your way of not getting too attached to either.
There's a third guy out there for you. Until then, you play ping-pong with B and N to pass the time.
By Lisa, 18:
Victor, please, I really need your advice. Me and N have been friends for 6 years and I have always had a tiny crush on him. A year and a half ago, I dated B who was the all around perfect boyfriend. But after a year of our relationship, we started fading apart and me and N started talking in a more sexual level. I broke up with B because I liked both B and N. Then B completely left me to be with another girl. Although I was really upset with this issue, I tried to make things work with N. Me and N went out for 2 months, and he was the worst boyfriend ever. He never called, he didnt show affection, he was just boring, the whole time I was with N, I would think about B. But N ended up breaking up with me, and we decided that we would just stay good friends just like we were before we started liking eachother. about two weeks after we broke up, me and B got back together, and at first everything was fine. But then a month later, I started to really like N again. I dont know what to do, its hard because his friends are also my friends, and hes assigned to sit next to me in one of my classes. Sometimes when were at a party, and N's under the influence, he'll put his hand on my leg. Does this mean he might still have feelings for me even though he was the one who broke it off? How do I get over N if there is no way to ignore him? And why am i not commited to B who is the perfect boyfriend(not to mention he is much cuter than N) but I have dreams of N and have strong feelings for N who is the worst boyfriend possible with an extremely boring personality? Why does it seem like when Im with B I want N, when Im with N, I want B? Do I just want what I cant have? Please help me Victor! Im so confused! thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Wow, this sounds like a cheerleader routine. Give me a B. Give me an N. Give me a B. Give me an N.
Anyway... N touching your leg just means he's horny. Feelings have nothing to do with it.
You bounce back and forth because you know deep inside that neither one of them is the right guy for you. Thinking about the other when you're with one of them is just your way of not getting too attached to either.
There's a third guy out there for you. Until then, you play ping-pong with B and N to pass the time.
The problem is that they work together
Submitted on Friday, March 07, 2008
By Tiffany, 23, from California:
I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. Everthing is going great. We talk on the phone every night for hours into the morning. He has met my family and he wants me to meet his family and friends. We take trips together, go out together, everything.
However, before he met me he had a girlfriend. They dated for about 5 months or so and then he broke up with her. (They had been broken up for about a month when we meet). The problem is that they work together. He broke up with her because they were just supposed to be a fling and she is going through a divorce and he thought she had too much baggage and that she had a lot to work out before she hopped into another relationship, plus they had different culture backgrounds and did not have much in common.
So my problem is that we have established that we are exclusive to one another and that we want to be in a relationship with each other. But he says that he thinks its too soon and that he wants to get away from his ex before we become offical because he doesn't want that to affect our relationship (she has already tried to call me, and she harasses him all the time about me). He is looking for another job.
My question is how long should I wait for him and how do I know if he is just stalling? It could take him months to find another job, and should I just want until he does? I would think that if a guy wants to be with someone then he will no matter what the circumstances. But since its only been 3 months am I pushing it? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can't tell you how long you should wait; that's something that only you can decide. All I can say is that his stance on this issue seems reasonable to me.
I don't know what he does for a living but wouldn't surprise me if it takes some time to find a job. You need to understand that leaving a job is the 3rd most stressful thing for men (death of a loved one and divorce are one and two). Despite the age we live in, men still have in ingrained in their mind that they should be the providers, so men usually get very stressed about switching jobs.
By Tiffany, 23, from California:
I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. Everthing is going great. We talk on the phone every night for hours into the morning. He has met my family and he wants me to meet his family and friends. We take trips together, go out together, everything.
However, before he met me he had a girlfriend. They dated for about 5 months or so and then he broke up with her. (They had been broken up for about a month when we meet). The problem is that they work together. He broke up with her because they were just supposed to be a fling and she is going through a divorce and he thought she had too much baggage and that she had a lot to work out before she hopped into another relationship, plus they had different culture backgrounds and did not have much in common.
So my problem is that we have established that we are exclusive to one another and that we want to be in a relationship with each other. But he says that he thinks its too soon and that he wants to get away from his ex before we become offical because he doesn't want that to affect our relationship (she has already tried to call me, and she harasses him all the time about me). He is looking for another job.
My question is how long should I wait for him and how do I know if he is just stalling? It could take him months to find another job, and should I just want until he does? I would think that if a guy wants to be with someone then he will no matter what the circumstances. But since its only been 3 months am I pushing it? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can't tell you how long you should wait; that's something that only you can decide. All I can say is that his stance on this issue seems reasonable to me.
I don't know what he does for a living but wouldn't surprise me if it takes some time to find a job. You need to understand that leaving a job is the 3rd most stressful thing for men (death of a loved one and divorce are one and two). Despite the age we live in, men still have in ingrained in their mind that they should be the providers, so men usually get very stressed about switching jobs.
Like a carrot over a rabbit
Submitted on Friday, March 07, 2008
By Carolyn, 33, from Midwest:
I was married for over 10 years to an abusive guy and after 6 months of therapy, decided to leave him. (He quickly recovered and married his new wife a few months later...)
My friend and coworker who stood by me through it all eventually became the boyfriend I live with now. Polar opposite of the ex. I have never been so in love with someone in my whole life. His family is great, they love me as one of their own. His entire family are all in long term (married) relationships. And here we are.
I went back to school full time just this year, taking supplemental classes to get a job in my field. He has been supportive, I quit the hateful job we both worked at and work part time to pay my bills (which I do, all on time), help out with the occasional house bill when I can and buy groceries. I also clean the house, do the laundry, cook, etc. He kind of supports my artistic endeavors- as long as I don't spend money to promote them...?
But now, every time I turn around, he's criticizing the way I do everything, cleaning the house, etc. Nothing seems to be good enough, he freaks out about my "spending habits" and student loan debt and has listed that as a reason he doesn't want to venture down the aisle yet. I try to support him and help him find what he wants to do for himself, because he wants out of his job and to get a career, but doesn't want to "lose everything" he's worked for (his house). He's very money-oriented, at first something I liked about him- very responsible. He seems to reject every avenue I try to present to him. And now, he's very upset at me for spending all my tax return money to pay down my bills and buying a computer program to help my schooling and prospective career. He became so upset the other night, even nagging about it while I was trying to go to sleep. I woke up yesterday and was so ill all day. I have thought about going for my masters. Neither of us have kids, so I figure, what's the problem, and why wait? But then I feel that if I do try to pursue what I want, that will be the end of our relationship. He dangles the prospect of marriage over my head like a carrot over a rabbit. I hate ultimatums- they never lead to a happy ending. Where is his head at? How should I deal with this?
VictorM's advice:
That which irritates you the most about a loved one is something you dislike abut yourself but are unable to fix. This explains his problems with you and money. He's really yelling at himself for being unable to do what he wants to do. I bet that if you look closely, either he doesn't save all the money he plans to, or he spends it on things he thinks are foolish but can't stop doing it. And so he yells at you because he hates to see a loved one being so wasteful (in his mind).
You need to sit down together and agree to get your own account to do whatever you wish and for him to stay out of it. But more importantly, he needs to see a therapist about his money management failure because that's what's really bothering him. It's his problem but he's taking it out on you.
But Carolyn, people usually get attracted to the same type of person over and over unless they go through some major transformation themselves that alters who they get attracted to. At first this guy sounds much better than the first guy, but really, they sound to have the same type of characteristics even if they show it in a different way. This guy has a controlling personality. Who knows how he's going to show it later on. And his controlling is surfacing in more ways than just money.
Frankly, unless you get these issues resolved, what he's dangling at the end of the stick doesn't look like much of a carrot to me.
You saw a therapist for 6 months. That's good. Now I'm going to suggest that you go back and discuss with the therapist why you get attracted to these men. Describe both men in detail and I'm sure the therapist will know what to do. There's something about you that seeks controlling men. Unless you can pinpoint why, I'm afraid you might be following the same path all over again.
By Carolyn, 33, from Midwest:
I was married for over 10 years to an abusive guy and after 6 months of therapy, decided to leave him. (He quickly recovered and married his new wife a few months later...)
My friend and coworker who stood by me through it all eventually became the boyfriend I live with now. Polar opposite of the ex. I have never been so in love with someone in my whole life. His family is great, they love me as one of their own. His entire family are all in long term (married) relationships. And here we are.
I went back to school full time just this year, taking supplemental classes to get a job in my field. He has been supportive, I quit the hateful job we both worked at and work part time to pay my bills (which I do, all on time), help out with the occasional house bill when I can and buy groceries. I also clean the house, do the laundry, cook, etc. He kind of supports my artistic endeavors- as long as I don't spend money to promote them...?
But now, every time I turn around, he's criticizing the way I do everything, cleaning the house, etc. Nothing seems to be good enough, he freaks out about my "spending habits" and student loan debt and has listed that as a reason he doesn't want to venture down the aisle yet. I try to support him and help him find what he wants to do for himself, because he wants out of his job and to get a career, but doesn't want to "lose everything" he's worked for (his house). He's very money-oriented, at first something I liked about him- very responsible. He seems to reject every avenue I try to present to him. And now, he's very upset at me for spending all my tax return money to pay down my bills and buying a computer program to help my schooling and prospective career. He became so upset the other night, even nagging about it while I was trying to go to sleep. I woke up yesterday and was so ill all day. I have thought about going for my masters. Neither of us have kids, so I figure, what's the problem, and why wait? But then I feel that if I do try to pursue what I want, that will be the end of our relationship. He dangles the prospect of marriage over my head like a carrot over a rabbit. I hate ultimatums- they never lead to a happy ending. Where is his head at? How should I deal with this?
VictorM's advice:
That which irritates you the most about a loved one is something you dislike abut yourself but are unable to fix. This explains his problems with you and money. He's really yelling at himself for being unable to do what he wants to do. I bet that if you look closely, either he doesn't save all the money he plans to, or he spends it on things he thinks are foolish but can't stop doing it. And so he yells at you because he hates to see a loved one being so wasteful (in his mind).
You need to sit down together and agree to get your own account to do whatever you wish and for him to stay out of it. But more importantly, he needs to see a therapist about his money management failure because that's what's really bothering him. It's his problem but he's taking it out on you.
But Carolyn, people usually get attracted to the same type of person over and over unless they go through some major transformation themselves that alters who they get attracted to. At first this guy sounds much better than the first guy, but really, they sound to have the same type of characteristics even if they show it in a different way. This guy has a controlling personality. Who knows how he's going to show it later on. And his controlling is surfacing in more ways than just money.
Frankly, unless you get these issues resolved, what he's dangling at the end of the stick doesn't look like much of a carrot to me.
You saw a therapist for 6 months. That's good. Now I'm going to suggest that you go back and discuss with the therapist why you get attracted to these men. Describe both men in detail and I'm sure the therapist will know what to do. There's something about you that seeks controlling men. Unless you can pinpoint why, I'm afraid you might be following the same path all over again.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Sylia and Ashley: Two for the price of one
Submitted on Friday, March 07, 2008
By sylia, 15:
My mom doesn't like my boyfriend at all. She goes crazy at the thought of him. Why? It all happened about more than a year ago when I was in the 8th grade. See, we go to this really strict catholic private school with NUNS. we got caught hugging. (one simple hug) then, i was kicked out of the national junior honor society. that school was crazy strict. but my mom didn't think it was my fault. then, she saw one kinda nasty text message from him on my phone and she flipped out. it wasn't even xrated bad, seriously. this all occured more than a year ago and she still isn't over it. i think she's over reacting. she keeps judging him and hasn't even tried to get to know him. i do not know what i seriously did so wrong. Over the past year, nothing bad has happened. ughh, please help!
Submitted on Friday, March 07, 2008
By ashley, 15:
My boyfriend gets so defensive when i call him a fag, even if he knows i'm just playing around.
By sylia, 15:
My mom doesn't like my boyfriend at all. She goes crazy at the thought of him. Why? It all happened about more than a year ago when I was in the 8th grade. See, we go to this really strict catholic private school with NUNS. we got caught hugging. (one simple hug) then, i was kicked out of the national junior honor society. that school was crazy strict. but my mom didn't think it was my fault. then, she saw one kinda nasty text message from him on my phone and she flipped out. it wasn't even xrated bad, seriously. this all occured more than a year ago and she still isn't over it. i think she's over reacting. she keeps judging him and hasn't even tried to get to know him. i do not know what i seriously did so wrong. Over the past year, nothing bad has happened. ughh, please help!
Submitted on Friday, March 07, 2008
By ashley, 15:
My boyfriend gets so defensive when i call him a fag, even if he knows i'm just playing around.
sometimes we argue about simple things and i call him sensitive, or ask him why he's being so
sensitive, and he gets mad at me for saying he is being so sensitive. Why does he get so defensive
about this?
VictorM's advice:
I'm answering these 2 questions on the same post because they both came from the same computer. Maybe it's one person asking two questions or maybe a couple of friends writing in. Either way, she/they can find the replies in one place.
To "sylia"... Man, moms can go nutty if they see messages with sexual overtones, specially when you were only 14. Yeah, it's going to take a while for her to look at this boy without some disgust, but keep your nose clean and in about 50 years she'll get over it. Until then, toe the line with her because she can make your life miserable. But hey, at least she's not a nun!
To "ashley"... are you stupid? Cause you sound like a stupid moron to me.
Of course I don't mean that. I'm just joking. Look, it's not nice to insult people, even when you're just joking. Something's just aren't funny to everyone and if you have any consideration for your boyfriend you learn what his level of tolerance is an adapt to it, not the other way around. If you like your boyfriend you should be looking for ways to make him feel good, not bad.
sensitive, and he gets mad at me for saying he is being so sensitive. Why does he get so defensive
about this?
VictorM's advice:
I'm answering these 2 questions on the same post because they both came from the same computer. Maybe it's one person asking two questions or maybe a couple of friends writing in. Either way, she/they can find the replies in one place.
To "sylia"... Man, moms can go nutty if they see messages with sexual overtones, specially when you were only 14. Yeah, it's going to take a while for her to look at this boy without some disgust, but keep your nose clean and in about 50 years she'll get over it. Until then, toe the line with her because she can make your life miserable. But hey, at least she's not a nun!
To "ashley"... are you stupid? Cause you sound like a stupid moron to me.
Of course I don't mean that. I'm just joking. Look, it's not nice to insult people, even when you're just joking. Something's just aren't funny to everyone and if you have any consideration for your boyfriend you learn what his level of tolerance is an adapt to it, not the other way around. If you like your boyfriend you should be looking for ways to make him feel good, not bad.
Her text msgs are getting more and more flirty
Submitted on Thursday, March 06, 2008
By Lisa, 33, from Tampa:
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a bit over 2 years. I will be 34 and he is 40. An ex girlfriend from many moons ago contacted him from a business networking site and they were reacquainted. She is married with a child and lives across the country from us. I don't have an issue with them talking but I noticed her text msgs on his cell are getting more and more flirty. From her telling him he was in her dreams, and a lot more. He has also responded saying she was in his dream the other night and sent another one saying blush to something she said (he erased it). I hate being a snoop and I hate feeling like he is going behind my back flirting with this woman. Is it harmless? I know I don't contact my ex's flirting with them. I want to send her a note and ask her to back off. If she tells him I did that, he will go ape-sh!t about it may amount to the end of a relationship. Trust is important to me. I know he wouldn't physically cheat but I feel emotional cheating and flirting is just as bad.
help!
VictorM's advice:
Trust his important but you're snooping and reading his phone text messages? Tssk! Tssk!
Well, you ask if these messages are harmless. I don't know, but I know one thing: nothing good will come out of this.
I also say that you should NOT contact her. She isn't your boyfriend and she's not the one that owes you respect -- he is! If you're going to raise this issue, you should do it with him. You should explain to him that even though you "know he wouldn't physically cheat but I feel emotional cheating and flirting is just as bad."
Should you raise it with him? I think so. You just have a little bit of a trust credibility issue to overcome (how do you know what the text messages say?) but still, you should spell out your feelings about it. But remember: talk about your feelings; do not accuse him of anything.
By Lisa, 33, from Tampa:
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a bit over 2 years. I will be 34 and he is 40. An ex girlfriend from many moons ago contacted him from a business networking site and they were reacquainted. She is married with a child and lives across the country from us. I don't have an issue with them talking but I noticed her text msgs on his cell are getting more and more flirty. From her telling him he was in her dreams, and a lot more. He has also responded saying she was in his dream the other night and sent another one saying blush to something she said (he erased it). I hate being a snoop and I hate feeling like he is going behind my back flirting with this woman. Is it harmless? I know I don't contact my ex's flirting with them. I want to send her a note and ask her to back off. If she tells him I did that, he will go ape-sh!t about it may amount to the end of a relationship. Trust is important to me. I know he wouldn't physically cheat but I feel emotional cheating and flirting is just as bad.
help!
VictorM's advice:
Trust his important but you're snooping and reading his phone text messages? Tssk! Tssk!
Well, you ask if these messages are harmless. I don't know, but I know one thing: nothing good will come out of this.
I also say that you should NOT contact her. She isn't your boyfriend and she's not the one that owes you respect -- he is! If you're going to raise this issue, you should do it with him. You should explain to him that even though you "know he wouldn't physically cheat but I feel emotional cheating and flirting is just as bad."
Should you raise it with him? I think so. You just have a little bit of a trust credibility issue to overcome (how do you know what the text messages say?) but still, you should spell out your feelings about it. But remember: talk about your feelings; do not accuse him of anything.
Without sounding too pushy
Submitted on Thursday, March 06, 2008
By Kristi, 14, from Florida:
There is this guy and we both know that we like each other. He is kind of shy and I'm not even positive if he wants to be in a relationship. How do I ask him if he wants to or not without sounding too pushy? What is a cool/laid back way of asking him out? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't bring up anything about a relationship. Let things evolve.
What you do is make it easy for him to ask you. For example, say you'd like to go see the movie 10,000 BC but you'd hate to go alone. See if he offers to go with you. Or say something like you're going to the mall at a certain time and if he's there to say hello to you. Again, you didn't ask him but you give him the opportunity to be there and talk to you.
Of course these are not dates, but this way you and him start talking one-on-one. Maybe things will get serious, maybe they won't, but you don't wind up with egg on your face if he's not as interest in you as you think he might be.
By Kristi, 14, from Florida:
There is this guy and we both know that we like each other. He is kind of shy and I'm not even positive if he wants to be in a relationship. How do I ask him if he wants to or not without sounding too pushy? What is a cool/laid back way of asking him out? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't bring up anything about a relationship. Let things evolve.
What you do is make it easy for him to ask you. For example, say you'd like to go see the movie 10,000 BC but you'd hate to go alone. See if he offers to go with you. Or say something like you're going to the mall at a certain time and if he's there to say hello to you. Again, you didn't ask him but you give him the opportunity to be there and talk to you.
Of course these are not dates, but this way you and him start talking one-on-one. Maybe things will get serious, maybe they won't, but you don't wind up with egg on your face if he's not as interest in you as you think he might be.
She cries every night and calls him
Submitted on Thursday, March 06, 2008
By Jen, 20, from Boston, MA:
Okay.. so here's the situation: I started talking to this guy and i saw him at a party not a while after.. and 2 nights before that he broke off with his girlfriend cause he didn't want to be with her anymore..so we've been hanging out. howeverrr after she gets wicked pissed she cries every night and calls him and he obviously had to listen to her because it'd be shitty if he didnt. so, here's the thing. at first we started chillen like that day so shes goin crazy. so for her not to go crazy, he wants to keep us on the down low. i understand..but wouldn't lying about it make it worse? this guy is wicked sweet and i know he's for real, but i'm iffy on the fact that he's hiding me from her.. because if it's a few days after it's cool but after that we should have nothing to worry about right? we weren't hiding it until she called crying every night. so now we're "not talking"...what should i do? he's a cool kid and he lives right near me at home and we'll obviously chill on spring break.. i'm so confused!
VictorM's advice:
She cries and he feels bad about it. Why does that not surprise me?
It is very much like a guy to cater this way to an ex that he has no interest at all in but he doesn't think of as an enemy. The whole crying bit is difficult for guys to deal with.
I agree with you. I could understand keeping it quiet for a few days so as not to make it appear that he dumped her for you. The only question is what do we mean by "a few days"? Maybe all that needs to happen is for you and him to collectively define what "a few days" mean. If he wants more time than you think is right... well, I suggest you bawl your eyes out. :)
By Jen, 20, from Boston, MA:
Okay.. so here's the situation: I started talking to this guy and i saw him at a party not a while after.. and 2 nights before that he broke off with his girlfriend cause he didn't want to be with her anymore..so we've been hanging out. howeverrr after she gets wicked pissed she cries every night and calls him and he obviously had to listen to her because it'd be shitty if he didnt. so, here's the thing. at first we started chillen like that day so shes goin crazy. so for her not to go crazy, he wants to keep us on the down low. i understand..but wouldn't lying about it make it worse? this guy is wicked sweet and i know he's for real, but i'm iffy on the fact that he's hiding me from her.. because if it's a few days after it's cool but after that we should have nothing to worry about right? we weren't hiding it until she called crying every night. so now we're "not talking"...what should i do? he's a cool kid and he lives right near me at home and we'll obviously chill on spring break.. i'm so confused!
VictorM's advice:
She cries and he feels bad about it. Why does that not surprise me?
It is very much like a guy to cater this way to an ex that he has no interest at all in but he doesn't think of as an enemy. The whole crying bit is difficult for guys to deal with.
I agree with you. I could understand keeping it quiet for a few days so as not to make it appear that he dumped her for you. The only question is what do we mean by "a few days"? Maybe all that needs to happen is for you and him to collectively define what "a few days" mean. If he wants more time than you think is right... well, I suggest you bawl your eyes out. :)
I know I sound jealous, that's because I am
Submitted on Thursday, March 06, 2008
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor. My guy friend (we're 18) constantly talks about a girl from another college. They rarely meet due to the distance but do communicate through sms very often. He speaks of her like once everyday usually about very random things like HER school work? However, he insisted that he only likes her as a friend and that he does not talk about her often.
The thing is, he flirts (sexually) with me, showers me with compliments, and will call me nearly everyday too. I have the advantage of seeing him everyday and we've been very close for a year. He said that I'm one of the few people he can fall back on.
Sometimes I think that the girl is trying too hard. She will tell him that she's feeling sad/crappy- expecting him to console her. She called him at THREE AM! As if she does not have other friends especially when they've only known each other for a few months.
I know I sound jealous, that's because I am. Is he just trying to make me jealous or is he in self-denial (that he likes the other girl)?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's trying to make you jealous and I don't think he's in denial either. He likes the other girl but that doesn't mean he wants anything more than friendship. He has that with you, so why not with her? Maybe he talks to her about you. Who knows? Or he does like her, and tells you he's only after friendship because he doesn't want to upset you.
But don't dismiss that he flirts with you just because he knows you won't reject him. What I mean is, guys don't always flirt with girls they like, they often flirt with girls just because they let them. It's fun, it's good practice, and there's no rejection involved.
Look, he's 18 years old. There are lots of wonderfully attractive girls all around, including you. He's like a kid in a candy store. He can't settle on one flavor, so he's trying as many as he can.
By Arianna, 18, from Singapore:
Hey Victor. My guy friend (we're 18) constantly talks about a girl from another college. They rarely meet due to the distance but do communicate through sms very often. He speaks of her like once everyday usually about very random things like HER school work? However, he insisted that he only likes her as a friend and that he does not talk about her often.
The thing is, he flirts (sexually) with me, showers me with compliments, and will call me nearly everyday too. I have the advantage of seeing him everyday and we've been very close for a year. He said that I'm one of the few people he can fall back on.
Sometimes I think that the girl is trying too hard. She will tell him that she's feeling sad/crappy- expecting him to console her. She called him at THREE AM! As if she does not have other friends especially when they've only known each other for a few months.
I know I sound jealous, that's because I am. Is he just trying to make me jealous or is he in self-denial (that he likes the other girl)?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's trying to make you jealous and I don't think he's in denial either. He likes the other girl but that doesn't mean he wants anything more than friendship. He has that with you, so why not with her? Maybe he talks to her about you. Who knows? Or he does like her, and tells you he's only after friendship because he doesn't want to upset you.
But don't dismiss that he flirts with you just because he knows you won't reject him. What I mean is, guys don't always flirt with girls they like, they often flirt with girls just because they let them. It's fun, it's good practice, and there's no rejection involved.
Look, he's 18 years old. There are lots of wonderfully attractive girls all around, including you. He's like a kid in a candy store. He can't settle on one flavor, so he's trying as many as he can.
The letter
Submitted on Thursday, March 06, 2008
By Rianne, 36, from Netherlands:
Sorry this is long!
how we met: made first contact by (unintentionally) bumping into him rather hard. I was pissed off at something at the time and bursting through a hallway like a mad bull. Naturally I had to say i was sorry...but to be honest I didn't take much time for that as i was still mad as hell :-) The next day (unbelievable but true) the exact same thing happened....and that was it, from that minute he was on my trail for 5 months and moving out of the country didn't even help, he tracked me down :-)
I didn't want a relationship, but I finally went out with him. The 5 months of flirtations etc. and the fact dat we did get to know each other well at work resulted in a couple of wonderful hours in my bed- he kissed me first, and we tore our clothes off like there was no tomorrow.
I then told him it was a great one-night stand (as he was leaving the country in 1 day as well) and that we'll now never see eachother again. He didn't buy into that, and wanted to keep contact
- Het came back to see me after one month and wanted us to be exclusive.
- I was gonna go over to the UK to see him, but until now he hasn't been able to give dates, mostly because of work + his ex likes to dump his kid over at his place just about every weekend.
-During this time I nearly broke it off twice because of lack of contact (I think one call or text a week is minimum!) He absolutely did not want to breakup and communication has been a lot better.
- his busy life: he's a top executive, drives to work on Monday morning, stays in hotel, evening meetings and dinner with clients etc., drives home friday night then picks up his kid and drops him off sunday.
My email: I sent him this, because I was tired of it all- wanted shit or bust with "Mr Big"
Any ideas ?
thanks,
Rianne
VictorM's advice:
When you say you don't want to lose him, what you mean is you want him to change to satisfy your needs or wants, right? Because I can't believe you'd not want to lose a guy who doesn't even question how you are after falling off a horse. I mean, can a man really be that busy? I don't think so.
Could he change? Maybe, but it seems that after a romance novel like start (bumping into each other twice) and your hard to get stance, it juiced up his interest in the chase. And oh how guys love the chase. Five months of flirting... that's exciting. Then you caved in. You had a one night stand. He went away with the impression of an intense night of sex. So he wanted more. He came back asking you, the woman who characterize the night as a "one-night stand," to agree to being exclusive. And you did. He scored the big one!
And now... well, the excitement is over. It has nothing to do with being busy, after all, he had time to flirt and chase you for months. Now you're just a bunch of annoying text messages with requests and demands. Where's the fun in that?
I don't see your letter changing anything, for better or worse. I'd be surprised if he replied. Or he might reply, as he has twice before and just ask for another chance, but frankly, nothing will change anyway. And change is what you want, isn't it?
With or without the letter, I think you've lost him a while back. But at least by writing to him you vented and that will feel better as you go bumping into another lucky guy any day now.
By Rianne, 36, from Netherlands:
Sorry this is long!
how we met: made first contact by (unintentionally) bumping into him rather hard. I was pissed off at something at the time and bursting through a hallway like a mad bull. Naturally I had to say i was sorry...but to be honest I didn't take much time for that as i was still mad as hell :-) The next day (unbelievable but true) the exact same thing happened....and that was it, from that minute he was on my trail for 5 months and moving out of the country didn't even help, he tracked me down :-)
I didn't want a relationship, but I finally went out with him. The 5 months of flirtations etc. and the fact dat we did get to know each other well at work resulted in a couple of wonderful hours in my bed- he kissed me first, and we tore our clothes off like there was no tomorrow.
I then told him it was a great one-night stand (as he was leaving the country in 1 day as well) and that we'll now never see eachother again. He didn't buy into that, and wanted to keep contact
- Het came back to see me after one month and wanted us to be exclusive.
- I was gonna go over to the UK to see him, but until now he hasn't been able to give dates, mostly because of work + his ex likes to dump his kid over at his place just about every weekend.
-During this time I nearly broke it off twice because of lack of contact (I think one call or text a week is minimum!) He absolutely did not want to breakup and communication has been a lot better.
- his busy life: he's a top executive, drives to work on Monday morning, stays in hotel, evening meetings and dinner with clients etc., drives home friday night then picks up his kid and drops him off sunday.
My email: I sent him this, because I was tired of it all- wanted shit or bust with "Mr Big"
Dear Mike,Clear but not hysterical I think ? Or did I really blow it by doing this ? He hasn't responded yet- Today is the day he would usually call...I wonder. But if he does, how should I react? I really don't want to lose him- but I don't want to lose my sanity either ! I haven't sent him anything since (I would usually text or send an email 2x a week-not more).
Just to get one thing clear: i'm not angry or upset with you, that's not the reason for this email. I would call you, but everytime I do you either don't pick up or you're off to dinner, meeting etc.
I'm quite sure things would have worked out differently if you had stayed in Belgium, or if we hooked up sooner- maybe it wasn't meant to be. I also wish I could see you one last time- but from the end of November until now, you haven't been able to make one weekend available for me to come see you, just 2 days in 3 months time, so I guess it isn't going to happen. In all this time, i've never heard anything from you during any weekend, it's like you go off the face of the earth. Even when I send you a message saying I fell off my horse....nothing...not even a "are u ok ?" Actions speak louder than words- or in this case, lack of action.
Do you realise what this looks like/feels like from my point of view ? I feel like priority nr. 100 on your list. If one of my (girl) friends told me this I would tell her to get the hell out because this guy must be "playing house" with someone else over the weekend.
I really don't want to end this, but if it is to continue, I need to know what is going on and why you want to keep me around, because at this moment I haven't got a clue. I would have liked to see where it took us. I don't want to marry you, I don't want your kids- but I do think we could be great together in some form. But it has to come from both sides especially since you will be in the UK for some time. I could have dealt with that if there was more communication and a visit now and then. With more communication I don't mean daily phonecalls, I can do with 1 a week, but some aknowledgement of my existence when I text you would be nice
You're a great guy, I hope the girl you end up with appreciates that. Wish it were me, but from here it looks like you don't feel that way.
Take care
Rianne
Any ideas ?
thanks,
Rianne
VictorM's advice:
When you say you don't want to lose him, what you mean is you want him to change to satisfy your needs or wants, right? Because I can't believe you'd not want to lose a guy who doesn't even question how you are after falling off a horse. I mean, can a man really be that busy? I don't think so.
Could he change? Maybe, but it seems that after a romance novel like start (bumping into each other twice) and your hard to get stance, it juiced up his interest in the chase. And oh how guys love the chase. Five months of flirting... that's exciting. Then you caved in. You had a one night stand. He went away with the impression of an intense night of sex. So he wanted more. He came back asking you, the woman who characterize the night as a "one-night stand," to agree to being exclusive. And you did. He scored the big one!
And now... well, the excitement is over. It has nothing to do with being busy, after all, he had time to flirt and chase you for months. Now you're just a bunch of annoying text messages with requests and demands. Where's the fun in that?
I don't see your letter changing anything, for better or worse. I'd be surprised if he replied. Or he might reply, as he has twice before and just ask for another chance, but frankly, nothing will change anyway. And change is what you want, isn't it?
With or without the letter, I think you've lost him a while back. But at least by writing to him you vented and that will feel better as you go bumping into another lucky guy any day now.
She's pissing me off
Submitted on Wednesday, March 05, 2008
By Mikearima, 17, from California:
I've talked to this girl in my school on myspace for about a year, she was the most exciting girl, never met her in person, because she was scared to talk to me or I was scared to talk to her. I've tried to ask her out and I did, but didn't get her, and I eventually asked her to winter formal,but she went with another guy, I asked in advance as well. 2 years later, I text her and talk to her and she isn't interesting at all anymore. She's pissing me off and I can't stop thinking about her. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure I follow you. She's not interesting anymore, she pisses you off, but you can't stop thinking of her... I don't know what kind of thoughts you have about her, so I'm not sure what to say.
I don't know if this applies but sometimes we miss what we thought that person represented to us. Maybe you're still stuck on the exciting girl from 2 years ago, yearning for her to come back. So she annoys you now but you can't let go because you still hope/wish she'd bring back the feelings you felt before.
Or not. If you care to, please write back and clarify what you meant.
I've talked to this girl in my school on myspace for about a year, she was the most exciting girl, never met her in person, because she was scared to talk to me or I was scared to talk to her. I've tried to ask her out and I did, but didn't get her, and I eventually asked her to winter formal,but she went with another guy, I asked in advance as well. 2 years later, I text her and talk to her and she isn't interesting at all anymore. She's pissing me off and I can't stop thinking about her. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure I follow you. She's not interesting anymore, she pisses you off, but you can't stop thinking of her... I don't know what kind of thoughts you have about her, so I'm not sure what to say.
I don't know if this applies but sometimes we miss what we thought that person represented to us. Maybe you're still stuck on the exciting girl from 2 years ago, yearning for her to come back. So she annoys you now but you can't let go because you still hope/wish she'd bring back the feelings you felt before.
Or not. If you care to, please write back and clarify what you meant.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
People say we would make a cute couple
Submitted on Wednesday, March 05, 2008
By Kara, 11, from England:
Well....my friend's boyfriend is my best guy friend and I like him and I don't know if he likes me cause he did once and he teases me and in computers he is always typing things on my computer and he is really funny and people say we would make a cute couple!!! What should I do????
VictorM's advice:
You'll learn that humor is greatly overrated. How many of your friends have posters of comedians?
Ah. That's a little joke there. :)
Do nothing. After they break-up he might realize what a cute couple you two would make. But for now, just stay cute. As long as he just uses your computer, you're OK.
Well....my friend's boyfriend is my best guy friend and I like him and I don't know if he likes me cause he did once and he teases me and in computers he is always typing things on my computer and he is really funny and people say we would make a cute couple!!! What should I do????
VictorM's advice:
You'll learn that humor is greatly overrated. How many of your friends have posters of comedians?
Ah. That's a little joke there. :)
Do nothing. After they break-up he might realize what a cute couple you two would make. But for now, just stay cute. As long as he just uses your computer, you're OK.
A visitor this weekend
Submitted on Wednesday, March 05, 2008
By Gemma, 27, from London:
This is great! haha Just came across this by accident!
My query: Just started seeing a new guy. Went out once. Had a great time and seem to both fancy each other. When I texted him to see when I'd see him again he said he had "a visitor this weekend" so we would have to wait til next week to go out.
Do you think this is a female visitor, someone who he may be sleeping with? Otherwise he'd simply say "mate," don't you think?
VictorM's advice:
No. I think he would use "mate" only if it was a close friend. It may be a relative, an acquaintance, a friend of the family, someone he has known but isn't close to, etc.
Of course, I wouldn't rule out the visitor being a female but I'm more inclined to believe that if it is someone he's sleeping with he'd probably have made up a lie, like he had to go to South Yorkshire with his mates to watch the Barnsley vs Chelsea match.
By Gemma, 27, from London:
This is great! haha Just came across this by accident!
My query: Just started seeing a new guy. Went out once. Had a great time and seem to both fancy each other. When I texted him to see when I'd see him again he said he had "a visitor this weekend" so we would have to wait til next week to go out.
Do you think this is a female visitor, someone who he may be sleeping with? Otherwise he'd simply say "mate," don't you think?
VictorM's advice:
No. I think he would use "mate" only if it was a close friend. It may be a relative, an acquaintance, a friend of the family, someone he has known but isn't close to, etc.
Of course, I wouldn't rule out the visitor being a female but I'm more inclined to believe that if it is someone he's sleeping with he'd probably have made up a lie, like he had to go to South Yorkshire with his mates to watch the Barnsley vs Chelsea match.
He wants to know how many boyfriends and lovers I've had
Submitted on Wednesday, March 05, 2008
By Me, 35, from Earth:
A guy I'm dating wants to know how many boyfriends and lovers I've had. Is it such a good idea to be specific about that? How do guys perceive a woman who may have had more than a few lovers?
VictorM's advice:
If he's asking -- besides it being a red flag to watch out for -- it must be significant to him. In such a case, err on the side of fewer rather than many. Guys would prefer to marry a virgin, or someone as close to one as possible (you know, fewer dicks to be measured against).
But really, be on the look out for what kind of person he is. If the question came up rather naturally when you're just having fun talking, maybe it's no big deal, which would also mean you shouldn't be specific. If, on the other hand he's asking in a judgmental kind of way, the question yells out "uptight asshole." Answer at your own risk, but be aware that this is not the end of this line of questioning, it's only the beginning.
By Me, 35, from Earth:
A guy I'm dating wants to know how many boyfriends and lovers I've had. Is it such a good idea to be specific about that? How do guys perceive a woman who may have had more than a few lovers?
VictorM's advice:
If he's asking -- besides it being a red flag to watch out for -- it must be significant to him. In such a case, err on the side of fewer rather than many. Guys would prefer to marry a virgin, or someone as close to one as possible (you know, fewer dicks to be measured against).
But really, be on the look out for what kind of person he is. If the question came up rather naturally when you're just having fun talking, maybe it's no big deal, which would also mean you shouldn't be specific. If, on the other hand he's asking in a judgmental kind of way, the question yells out "uptight asshole." Answer at your own risk, but be aware that this is not the end of this line of questioning, it's only the beginning.
Whats going on?
Submitted on Wednesday, March 05, 2008
By Jackie, 24, from texas:
I've been going out with a guy for about six months. We live about 3 hours away. I'm in my last year of dental school and he's in his last year of residency, so we basically see each other for about once a week during the weekends.
Friday he texted that he loved me and missed me, (actually said love for the first time). I texted back, miss you too. I know he was on call this weekend, but I haven't heard from him since, and it's now Wednesday morning.
Whats going on?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing.
He said he loves you, you miss each other, he's busy, and he'll see you on the weekend. The vitals are fine, according to a male perspective.
Yeah, yeah, I know... you want more text messages, more phone calls, cars, flowers, singing telegrams, candygrams, faxes, billboard notices, airplanes spelling "I love you Jackie" in the sky, blah blah blah... but just because he doesn't do all that doesn't mean he's not thinking of you and looking forward to being with you.
Come on! The man's got a job, porn to watch, and sports to follow. It's hard work. Give the guy a break!
Relax and have fun this weekend.
I've been going out with a guy for about six months. We live about 3 hours away. I'm in my last year of dental school and he's in his last year of residency, so we basically see each other for about once a week during the weekends.
Friday he texted that he loved me and missed me, (actually said love for the first time). I texted back, miss you too. I know he was on call this weekend, but I haven't heard from him since, and it's now Wednesday morning.
Whats going on?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing.
He said he loves you, you miss each other, he's busy, and he'll see you on the weekend. The vitals are fine, according to a male perspective.
Yeah, yeah, I know... you want more text messages, more phone calls, cars, flowers, singing telegrams, candygrams, faxes, billboard notices, airplanes spelling "I love you Jackie" in the sky, blah blah blah... but just because he doesn't do all that doesn't mean he's not thinking of you and looking forward to being with you.
Come on! The man's got a job, porn to watch, and sports to follow. It's hard work. Give the guy a break!
I am having a huge dilemma
Submitted on Wednesday, March 05, 2008
By Danielle, 23, from Louisiana:
I am having a huge dilemma! I just dated this guy about two months ago that I really liked. We ended up having sex after knowing each other for a month and it made me feel terrible because I've never had sex with anyone that soon. Anyway, we stopped talking because after awhile he started to call less ans less, etc. He is in many of my classes at school because we have the same major. This makes me feel even worse because I feel like I can get over him if I didn't have to see him almost everyday. And on top of that, he is dating a girl now that is also in our classes and she is in a group project with me and I constantly see them together. Please tell me how I can handle this because everytime I see him I wanna run away and cry.
VictorM's advice:
Man, that's a tough one.
Princess? Mariana? Red? Anonymous? Anybody else... any suggestions for Danielle?
By Danielle, 23, from Louisiana:
I am having a huge dilemma! I just dated this guy about two months ago that I really liked. We ended up having sex after knowing each other for a month and it made me feel terrible because I've never had sex with anyone that soon. Anyway, we stopped talking because after awhile he started to call less ans less, etc. He is in many of my classes at school because we have the same major. This makes me feel even worse because I feel like I can get over him if I didn't have to see him almost everyday. And on top of that, he is dating a girl now that is also in our classes and she is in a group project with me and I constantly see them together. Please tell me how I can handle this because everytime I see him I wanna run away and cry.
VictorM's advice:
Man, that's a tough one.
Princess? Mariana? Red? Anonymous? Anybody else... any suggestions for Danielle?
Should I shove a sock in it?
Submitted on Tuesday, March 04, 2008
By BES, 44, from MT:
Neither of us has been married, no kids either! He is 46. I have known of him for many years. Became closer friends, and then after several months, he asked me out. After 5 months of dating, we finally had sex. (Valentines Day) Yeah, it's nuts but we but decided to become emotionally attached first, and then sexually. That wasn't always easy and no, we're not religious. Our relationship consists of talking daily and spending weekends together. A week ago he expresses to me that he is uncertain, confused and stressed. He has asked me to give him some time. Two days later I get a call. We talk and I feel he is checking in, but still lukewarm. He said he missed me. I expressed my feelings and told him that I saw potential, that we have a relationship worth working for; but if he knew he didn't feel the same way he needed to tell me. That slower and kinder wouldn't be any easier. That was only two days ago. I am patient, but wonder if sometimes there isn't much you can do but wait for the fat lady to sing. Or should I shove a sock in it because it's too painful to watch him suffer- trying to tell me it just ain't gonna be me. Damn.
VictorM's advice:
The signs are not in your favor. Once a guy asks for space, he's using that space as a spring board to jump away. Saying that he misses you is just politeness (dumb, I know, but that's the way guys are). If he really missed you, why would he want space? Makes no sense.
You said something that shows a stark contrast between males and females. You said "we have a relationship worth working for." But guys don't think that way. We're basically lazy in this regard. For us, if it's not working, working to make it work, ain't gonna work (yeah, try saying that 3 times fast).
And here's another female thing... he asked for space, wondered off, and you are worried about him suffering? You females really are weird creatures sometimes. If it was me, I'd be wishing he grows a boil in his asshole the size of a Texas cinnamon bun. But that's just me.
By BES, 44, from MT:
Neither of us has been married, no kids either! He is 46. I have known of him for many years. Became closer friends, and then after several months, he asked me out. After 5 months of dating, we finally had sex. (Valentines Day) Yeah, it's nuts but we but decided to become emotionally attached first, and then sexually. That wasn't always easy and no, we're not religious. Our relationship consists of talking daily and spending weekends together. A week ago he expresses to me that he is uncertain, confused and stressed. He has asked me to give him some time. Two days later I get a call. We talk and I feel he is checking in, but still lukewarm. He said he missed me. I expressed my feelings and told him that I saw potential, that we have a relationship worth working for; but if he knew he didn't feel the same way he needed to tell me. That slower and kinder wouldn't be any easier. That was only two days ago. I am patient, but wonder if sometimes there isn't much you can do but wait for the fat lady to sing. Or should I shove a sock in it because it's too painful to watch him suffer- trying to tell me it just ain't gonna be me. Damn.
VictorM's advice:
The signs are not in your favor. Once a guy asks for space, he's using that space as a spring board to jump away. Saying that he misses you is just politeness (dumb, I know, but that's the way guys are). If he really missed you, why would he want space? Makes no sense.
You said something that shows a stark contrast between males and females. You said "we have a relationship worth working for." But guys don't think that way. We're basically lazy in this regard. For us, if it's not working, working to make it work, ain't gonna work (yeah, try saying that 3 times fast).
And here's another female thing... he asked for space, wondered off, and you are worried about him suffering? You females really are weird creatures sometimes. If it was me, I'd be wishing he grows a boil in his asshole the size of a Texas cinnamon bun. But that's just me.
I can't stop thinking about him
Submitted on Tuesday, March 04, 2008
By tina, 20:
I have a friend of 4 for years, and we've only recently started getting close, but I've liked him ever since I met him. Now that I've hung out with him (only once though - his suggestion) I can't stop thinking about him and I have no idea if he's interested but I would hate it if it ever gets awkward between us. I don't really think he's interested though, he has a lot of female friends (only? female friends) and they all hit on him. But, it's affecting my school work though, because I'm always wondering what he's doing and I can't stop thinking about him and I really need a way to stop this. I can't help it. HELP ME.
VictorM's advice:
Stop this? Are you kidding? This is what it's all about. It's fun. It's exciting. You're smitten. Your blood is flowing. Sure, your school grades will suffer but that didn't hurt George W. Bush, did it?
OK... OK...
What consumes your mind is not him; it's not knowing whether he's interested. It's the mystery that has a hold of you. And there's only one way to solve this: risk awkwardness between you two by telling him how you feel.
Scary, isn't it? If he's interested, you'll be worried about all those other girl friends he has; if he's not interested, your friendship suffers and awkwardness will reign.
Still, these are your choices: you can prolong the current agony and risk getting grades low enough to be a Republican president or you can put an end to it and tell him how you feel.
I can't tell you what to do because this is another one of those differences between girls and guys. Girls want answers; guys thrive on the mystery. You're losing sleep over it; he's probably enjoying every minute of it.
By tina, 20:
I have a friend of 4 for years, and we've only recently started getting close, but I've liked him ever since I met him. Now that I've hung out with him (only once though - his suggestion) I can't stop thinking about him and I have no idea if he's interested but I would hate it if it ever gets awkward between us. I don't really think he's interested though, he has a lot of female friends (only? female friends) and they all hit on him. But, it's affecting my school work though, because I'm always wondering what he's doing and I can't stop thinking about him and I really need a way to stop this. I can't help it. HELP ME.
VictorM's advice:
Stop this? Are you kidding? This is what it's all about. It's fun. It's exciting. You're smitten. Your blood is flowing. Sure, your school grades will suffer but that didn't hurt George W. Bush, did it?
OK... OK...
What consumes your mind is not him; it's not knowing whether he's interested. It's the mystery that has a hold of you. And there's only one way to solve this: risk awkwardness between you two by telling him how you feel.
Scary, isn't it? If he's interested, you'll be worried about all those other girl friends he has; if he's not interested, your friendship suffers and awkwardness will reign.
Still, these are your choices: you can prolong the current agony and risk getting grades low enough to be a Republican president or you can put an end to it and tell him how you feel.
I can't tell you what to do because this is another one of those differences between girls and guys. Girls want answers; guys thrive on the mystery. You're losing sleep over it; he's probably enjoying every minute of it.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Inbox filling up
Hi folks,
I have quite a few submission sitting in my inbox. I'll try to get to them as soon as I can but I'm taking off for 5 days to be in South Beach, Florida (love this place!) and so I can't promise anything.
Do check back once in a while as I'm sure I'll find some time to answer a few questions.
I have quite a few submission sitting in my inbox. I'll try to get to them as soon as I can but I'm taking off for 5 days to be in South Beach, Florida (love this place!) and so I can't promise anything.
Do check back once in a while as I'm sure I'll find some time to answer a few questions.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Was he lying wen he said he lost my number?
Submitted on Tuesday, March 04, 2008
By Amy, 16, from LBC:
well my question is simple really, how do you know if a guy lies to you when he says he lost your number?
Me and this guy i liked finally were able to talk on the phone but before i got a hold of him i called him more than once over the course of about 3 months. but when we finally talked to each other we talked for a little over a half hour. he was telling me everything from how his life is to his home situation. now in the way we had our conversation was i asked why hadn't he called and he said pretty fast, i might add, that he lost my number the day he got it. then he was about to explain how (laundry) but since he was about to explain i stoped him because i honestly was over it. but then what i don't get is it's been 2 days since we last talked and when we finished our conversation 3 things happened:
1. he wanted to know what time the movie started so he wouldn't call and ruin it.
2. i asked if he'd be around later and he said yes.
3.then to make sure he'd call, i told him to call me at 4 or 5.
but he hasn't called me since. i called again earlier but he was busy. so can you please explain what is going on? is he still interested? (he was) and was he lying wen he said he lost my number? thnks
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he was lying about losing your number but I can totally accept that a teenage boy simply lost the number. But why didn't he try to get it some other way? And if you called him more than once over 3 months, didn't you leave your number on his voicemail (maybe he didn't have one?)
Anyway, many boys hate, hate, hate talking on the phone. They especially hate making the call. What will they talk about? What to say? etc. etc. Some guys just dread picking up the phone.
But this guy just doesn't seem to be putting too much effort into it, is he? If it wasn't for you reaching out to him, you two would never talk. Hardly a vote of confidence about his interest in you, wouldn't you say?
By Amy, 16, from LBC:
well my question is simple really, how do you know if a guy lies to you when he says he lost your number?
Me and this guy i liked finally were able to talk on the phone but before i got a hold of him i called him more than once over the course of about 3 months. but when we finally talked to each other we talked for a little over a half hour. he was telling me everything from how his life is to his home situation. now in the way we had our conversation was i asked why hadn't he called and he said pretty fast, i might add, that he lost my number the day he got it. then he was about to explain how (laundry) but since he was about to explain i stoped him because i honestly was over it. but then what i don't get is it's been 2 days since we last talked and when we finished our conversation 3 things happened:
1. he wanted to know what time the movie started so he wouldn't call and ruin it.
2. i asked if he'd be around later and he said yes.
3.then to make sure he'd call, i told him to call me at 4 or 5.
but he hasn't called me since. i called again earlier but he was busy. so can you please explain what is going on? is he still interested? (he was) and was he lying wen he said he lost my number? thnks
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he was lying about losing your number but I can totally accept that a teenage boy simply lost the number. But why didn't he try to get it some other way? And if you called him more than once over 3 months, didn't you leave your number on his voicemail (maybe he didn't have one?)
Anyway, many boys hate, hate, hate talking on the phone. They especially hate making the call. What will they talk about? What to say? etc. etc. Some guys just dread picking up the phone.
But this guy just doesn't seem to be putting too much effort into it, is he? If it wasn't for you reaching out to him, you two would never talk. Hardly a vote of confidence about his interest in you, wouldn't you say?
He said he had been dating someone else too
Submitted on Tuesday, March 04, 2008
By WANDA, 51, from Seneca:
I met a guy online. He ran after me. He was very good to me. He drove 1 hour and a half to see me twice a week. Then after four months he said he had been dating someone else too. At first he was more excited about me than her. Then he said he liked her. That has been seven months ago. Was this guy a player? He was so good to me. My parents thougth he was crazy about me. I am built real good, this other lady was fat. What do you think happened and what do you think this guy was up to? And will he come back? I don't ever call or bother him.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Wanda... I mean, dating two women without letting them know is not nice, but what happened is he eventually settled on one. That doesn't mean he didn't like you -- he probably did -- but our society unfortunately dictates that we must settle for one partner. What he saw in her is something I can't say, but who knows, maybe she has extra food coupons and he loves him some of that yummy government cheese.
No, he's not coming back. My guess is that the distance took a toll on him. It's hard to maintain that schedule for too long.
By WANDA, 51, from Seneca:
I met a guy online. He ran after me. He was very good to me. He drove 1 hour and a half to see me twice a week. Then after four months he said he had been dating someone else too. At first he was more excited about me than her. Then he said he liked her. That has been seven months ago. Was this guy a player? He was so good to me. My parents thougth he was crazy about me. I am built real good, this other lady was fat. What do you think happened and what do you think this guy was up to? And will he come back? I don't ever call or bother him.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Wanda... I mean, dating two women without letting them know is not nice, but what happened is he eventually settled on one. That doesn't mean he didn't like you -- he probably did -- but our society unfortunately dictates that we must settle for one partner. What he saw in her is something I can't say, but who knows, maybe she has extra food coupons and he loves him some of that yummy government cheese.
No, he's not coming back. My guess is that the distance took a toll on him. It's hard to maintain that schedule for too long.
Unable to resume even a friendship
Submitted on Tuesday, March 04, 2008
By Jodie, 40, from Leawood, KS:
A man & a woman, both 40 and twice divoced w/no children, meet & begin a semi-serious 10-month relationship. Ups, downs...then one of the downs ends up being the "end" for the man. After all that time, and all they shared, why is he absolutely unable to resume even a friendship with her? No calls returned, no emails, nothing. How long must I wait before attempting another contact? I feel there is still a spark left in this relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Friendship between former lovers, when one of them can't let go, isn't wise.
He's letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that he's done with you. He was looking for a lover and now he's focusing his energies and his time on finding her since it didn't work out with you. Being friends with you would mean rehashing the same story over and over. It would be too draining and sap time away from his mission.
Be honest with yourself. Saying you want to resume a friendship when you also say that you feel there's still a spark betrays your true intentions. Even if you are right about the spark, sometimes a spark just isn't enough.
By Jodie, 40, from Leawood, KS:
A man & a woman, both 40 and twice divoced w/no children, meet & begin a semi-serious 10-month relationship. Ups, downs...then one of the downs ends up being the "end" for the man. After all that time, and all they shared, why is he absolutely unable to resume even a friendship with her? No calls returned, no emails, nothing. How long must I wait before attempting another contact? I feel there is still a spark left in this relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Friendship between former lovers, when one of them can't let go, isn't wise.
He's letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that he's done with you. He was looking for a lover and now he's focusing his energies and his time on finding her since it didn't work out with you. Being friends with you would mean rehashing the same story over and over. It would be too draining and sap time away from his mission.
Be honest with yourself. Saying you want to resume a friendship when you also say that you feel there's still a spark betrays your true intentions. Even if you are right about the spark, sometimes a spark just isn't enough.
He wants to keep talking
Submitted on Monday, March 03, 2008
By Kelly, 20, from georgia:
I've been dating this guy, who is seven years older than me, that broke off an engagement about five months ago. He says he's really in to me and wants to keep talking and hanging out but doesn't know if he wants a relationship. He's the one who initiated the dating, but we recently agreed he needs time to think before proceeding. I really like him, and he's admitted to feeling a connection and still states that he likes me, but I don't know if I should wait for him to make up his mind or just move on.
VictorM's advice:
Talk to the guy. Date him casually if you like. There's nothing wrong with you two learning more about each other at a slow pace, without the pressure of a relationship.
Just keep your options open and date other guys as well.
By Kelly, 20, from georgia:
I've been dating this guy, who is seven years older than me, that broke off an engagement about five months ago. He says he's really in to me and wants to keep talking and hanging out but doesn't know if he wants a relationship. He's the one who initiated the dating, but we recently agreed he needs time to think before proceeding. I really like him, and he's admitted to feeling a connection and still states that he likes me, but I don't know if I should wait for him to make up his mind or just move on.
VictorM's advice:
Talk to the guy. Date him casually if you like. There's nothing wrong with you two learning more about each other at a slow pace, without the pressure of a relationship.
Just keep your options open and date other guys as well.
He has a family history of non-marriage relationships
Submitted on Monday, March 03, 2008
By Monique, 35, from FL:
I’ve been with a boyfriend for little over a year and things have been going great, he loves me and I love him too. The problem is the guy has a history of long term (2-3 years) but non-committed relationships with all his ex-girlfriends. He has a family history of non-marriage relationships, none of his siblings are married even though they all are pushing 40's. Since I’m in my mid-thirties I can’t afford giving a few years to any relationship that wouldn’t lead to a full commitment and marriage. A few weeks ago I brought up an issue of where we were heading in our relationships and his answer was that he loves me but couldn’t picture himself married. The very next day I broke up with him, he took the news steady and left right away without any drama. A couple of weeks passed and I received a phone call from him that he loves and misses me and that life is not the same when we are not together. A few days later we’ve met and talked and he confirmed that marriage has never seriously crossed his mind until we broke up and now he thinks there is a 50% chance of us being together in married relationship. I still love him and want things to work out however I’m not sure if we should get back of seeing each other for another couple of months which may help him to make a decision or should I cut him off from my life now since the odds are really not that great even though it’s been a big progress for him.
VictorM's advice:
Give him a few months, but not much longer. I'm not saying this because of his past (in that respect, guys are like investing: "past performance is no indication of future behavior"). In some ways, we could say that he just never found the right girl, so he moved on each time after making sure of that. There's nothing terrible about it.
But... when you broke up with him "he took the news steady and left right away without any drama." That's actually quite disturbing for someone who claims to love you and had been seeing you for over a year. And it took him two weeks to call you, and only did it because he missed you? That's not saying much. Heck, even I miss frozen Sara Lee's French cheese cake from time to time (once it thaws just right it's so creamy and so yummy...mmmmm) but that doesn't mean I want to marry it.
And this 50% business sounds very shaky to me. I don't expect the guy to say he's ready to marry you, but somehow the language makes him more interested in an escape clause than a serious effort to work towards commitment.
But... if there have been failed marriages in his family or other scaring events in his life, it's possible that some of his behavior can be explained by those situations. If that's the case, you really do have an uphill climb.
In any case, you have invested a year in this guy, and I assume that in other ways you two get along well, so why not give it some more time? Just don't be suckered into this like the American people with the Iraq war. You know, the many promises that it would be just "another six months", and six months has turned into several years already, and still going.
By Monique, 35, from FL:
I’ve been with a boyfriend for little over a year and things have been going great, he loves me and I love him too. The problem is the guy has a history of long term (2-3 years) but non-committed relationships with all his ex-girlfriends. He has a family history of non-marriage relationships, none of his siblings are married even though they all are pushing 40's. Since I’m in my mid-thirties I can’t afford giving a few years to any relationship that wouldn’t lead to a full commitment and marriage. A few weeks ago I brought up an issue of where we were heading in our relationships and his answer was that he loves me but couldn’t picture himself married. The very next day I broke up with him, he took the news steady and left right away without any drama. A couple of weeks passed and I received a phone call from him that he loves and misses me and that life is not the same when we are not together. A few days later we’ve met and talked and he confirmed that marriage has never seriously crossed his mind until we broke up and now he thinks there is a 50% chance of us being together in married relationship. I still love him and want things to work out however I’m not sure if we should get back of seeing each other for another couple of months which may help him to make a decision or should I cut him off from my life now since the odds are really not that great even though it’s been a big progress for him.
VictorM's advice:
Give him a few months, but not much longer. I'm not saying this because of his past (in that respect, guys are like investing: "past performance is no indication of future behavior"). In some ways, we could say that he just never found the right girl, so he moved on each time after making sure of that. There's nothing terrible about it.
But... when you broke up with him "he took the news steady and left right away without any drama." That's actually quite disturbing for someone who claims to love you and had been seeing you for over a year. And it took him two weeks to call you, and only did it because he missed you? That's not saying much. Heck, even I miss frozen Sara Lee's French cheese cake from time to time (once it thaws just right it's so creamy and so yummy...mmmmm) but that doesn't mean I want to marry it.
And this 50% business sounds very shaky to me. I don't expect the guy to say he's ready to marry you, but somehow the language makes him more interested in an escape clause than a serious effort to work towards commitment.
But... if there have been failed marriages in his family or other scaring events in his life, it's possible that some of his behavior can be explained by those situations. If that's the case, you really do have an uphill climb.
In any case, you have invested a year in this guy, and I assume that in other ways you two get along well, so why not give it some more time? Just don't be suckered into this like the American people with the Iraq war. You know, the many promises that it would be just "another six months", and six months has turned into several years already, and still going.
He says he will call but does not
Submitted on Monday, March 03, 2008
By maria, 40, from usa:
Went out with guy, wound up spending night at house. Went out 2 times after and he was very romantic etc. He disappeared for 1 week --out of town and then came back and then hasn't been calling me after. I call and he says he will call but does not.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, the "love" chemicals wore off. You were fun for a little while but the novelty wore off. There's nothing wrong with you; it's just nature telling him that you're not "the one" for him.
Lay off the calls. Carry on with life as if this never happened. If he calls, decide what you want to do then. But... chances are he won't ever call you again.
By maria, 40, from usa:
Went out with guy, wound up spending night at house. Went out 2 times after and he was very romantic etc. He disappeared for 1 week --out of town and then came back and then hasn't been calling me after. I call and he says he will call but does not.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, the "love" chemicals wore off. You were fun for a little while but the novelty wore off. There's nothing wrong with you; it's just nature telling him that you're not "the one" for him.
Lay off the calls. Carry on with life as if this never happened. If he calls, decide what you want to do then. But... chances are he won't ever call you again.
A word of thanks
Submitted on Monday, March 03, 2008
By Jenna, from louisiana:
No questions, just thanks!! My guy friend came back in town and things were AWESOME!! Victor, you were right. Thanks for all the truthful, from the heart of a man advice. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to understand men!!! I bet the guys would be thanking you as well if they knew where the change of heart for so many women is coming from. You must feel pretty good knowing how much GREAT sex is happening, thanks to you!! I know MY man is HAPPY!!
VictorM's comment:
Great sex?! Because of moi? Holy crap! :)
Thanks for writing. I appreciate the feedback.
By Jenna, from louisiana:
No questions, just thanks!! My guy friend came back in town and things were AWESOME!! Victor, you were right. Thanks for all the truthful, from the heart of a man advice. For the first time in my life, I am beginning to understand men!!! I bet the guys would be thanking you as well if they knew where the change of heart for so many women is coming from. You must feel pretty good knowing how much GREAT sex is happening, thanks to you!! I know MY man is HAPPY!!
VictorM's comment:
Great sex?! Because of moi? Holy crap! :)
Thanks for writing. I appreciate the feedback.
It seems that he is not into me
Submitted on Sunday, March 02, 2008
By Sameera, 29, from: Iran-Shiraz:
Hi victor. it's about 2 years that i'm reading this blog and now this is the time i feel i really want to ask about my problem. so before that, i want to thank you for all you have shared with us. thank you.
i am in a relationship with a guy for more than a year. it's just a relationship, but we became so close from last year. it seems that he is not into me because he talks about the other girl that he likes with me, even he knows that maybe it bothers me but he said that you are the only close friend that i have. and i think that if he was in to me he would asked me to be his girlfriend. isn't it right?
now that i know that he likes some one else, i don't like to continue, it seems that i have feelings for him, i mean i don't feel the way he feels and it bothers me. i tried to be a good friend for him but after a while i found that i'm really bothering myself so i have decided to stop the relationship and leave him.
but it was sooo hard for him, i talked to him for 3 times and asked him not to try to contact with me because i don't want to be with a man who has a girlfriend or committed or trying to start a relationship with another girl. i said that our relationship is so precious for me and i want to keep this friendship, so it's better to be disconnected for a while and see what will be happening. but it seems that he doesn't want to lose me. as he is not completely sure about the other girl it is natural that he thinks this way but what should i do?
i don't want to stay and see what will happen. even if he doesn't choose the other girl i think that we have lost this relationship.
sometimes i think that maybe there is a chance for our relationship to change, but after a while i realize that i'm really acting foolish by thinking like this. he keeps calling and chatting with me and i know that i have to decide soon. please help me. i don't want to hurt more. i don't want to end up with a fight or....i just want to try to forget him, but i can't....
VictorM's advice:
Thank you for your kind words and for sticking around the site so long.
You have a relationship, but if I understand it correctly it's a friends-only relationship. You are not now, not have ever been, lovers. I'm going to answer with this assumption in mind.
It is quite common for guys to like one girl and tell her about liking other girls. It makes the guy feel more desirable, more masculine, and in some ways, tests the girl to see if she gets jealous. So don't dismiss that he might like you just because he talks about other girls.
A guy who likes you may not want to ask you to be his girlfriend, for several reasons. One could be that he's afraid to spoil things and lose you for good. Another is that he doesn't feel ready to settle down. Maybe some other girls are tempting for reasons other than love, and he feels he can have fun with them without being truthful with them but he can't do that with you. And maybe he does like you and has some feelings for the other girl and he needs to discover for himself exactly how he feels about the other girl first.
I believe any of us can genuinely like more than one person at the same time. If this is the case, he's being honest with you and he's trying to make the right choice. It is in your best interest that he find out exactly how he feels about the other girl. If he comes back to you, you'll be on more solid ground and in a better position to evolve your relationship.
Ultimately, you can't wait forever for him to make up his mind, but you shouldn't abandon hope until at least you have made your feelings loud and clear to him. If this is the guy you really like, don't be so quick to walk away. If you haven't been clear with him about your intentions, maybe it's time you tell him how you feel and what you want.
Having a fight is a lot better than just walking away. If you just walk away now you'll always wonder if you should have done something different.
By Sameera, 29, from: Iran-Shiraz:
Hi victor. it's about 2 years that i'm reading this blog and now this is the time i feel i really want to ask about my problem. so before that, i want to thank you for all you have shared with us. thank you.
i am in a relationship with a guy for more than a year. it's just a relationship, but we became so close from last year. it seems that he is not into me because he talks about the other girl that he likes with me, even he knows that maybe it bothers me but he said that you are the only close friend that i have. and i think that if he was in to me he would asked me to be his girlfriend. isn't it right?
now that i know that he likes some one else, i don't like to continue, it seems that i have feelings for him, i mean i don't feel the way he feels and it bothers me. i tried to be a good friend for him but after a while i found that i'm really bothering myself so i have decided to stop the relationship and leave him.
but it was sooo hard for him, i talked to him for 3 times and asked him not to try to contact with me because i don't want to be with a man who has a girlfriend or committed or trying to start a relationship with another girl. i said that our relationship is so precious for me and i want to keep this friendship, so it's better to be disconnected for a while and see what will be happening. but it seems that he doesn't want to lose me. as he is not completely sure about the other girl it is natural that he thinks this way but what should i do?
i don't want to stay and see what will happen. even if he doesn't choose the other girl i think that we have lost this relationship.
sometimes i think that maybe there is a chance for our relationship to change, but after a while i realize that i'm really acting foolish by thinking like this. he keeps calling and chatting with me and i know that i have to decide soon. please help me. i don't want to hurt more. i don't want to end up with a fight or....i just want to try to forget him, but i can't....
VictorM's advice:
Thank you for your kind words and for sticking around the site so long.
You have a relationship, but if I understand it correctly it's a friends-only relationship. You are not now, not have ever been, lovers. I'm going to answer with this assumption in mind.
It is quite common for guys to like one girl and tell her about liking other girls. It makes the guy feel more desirable, more masculine, and in some ways, tests the girl to see if she gets jealous. So don't dismiss that he might like you just because he talks about other girls.
A guy who likes you may not want to ask you to be his girlfriend, for several reasons. One could be that he's afraid to spoil things and lose you for good. Another is that he doesn't feel ready to settle down. Maybe some other girls are tempting for reasons other than love, and he feels he can have fun with them without being truthful with them but he can't do that with you. And maybe he does like you and has some feelings for the other girl and he needs to discover for himself exactly how he feels about the other girl first.
I believe any of us can genuinely like more than one person at the same time. If this is the case, he's being honest with you and he's trying to make the right choice. It is in your best interest that he find out exactly how he feels about the other girl. If he comes back to you, you'll be on more solid ground and in a better position to evolve your relationship.
Ultimately, you can't wait forever for him to make up his mind, but you shouldn't abandon hope until at least you have made your feelings loud and clear to him. If this is the guy you really like, don't be so quick to walk away. If you haven't been clear with him about your intentions, maybe it's time you tell him how you feel and what you want.
Having a fight is a lot better than just walking away. If you just walk away now you'll always wonder if you should have done something different.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
My fiancee has no money and tons of debt
Submitted on Saturday, March 01, 2008
By Donna, 46, from Florida:
My fiancee has no money and tons of debt. He currently lives with me. In the last 4 years he's never paid for anything. We were suppose to marry in April 2008 but, I postponed the wedding. It was his idea to get married. I was paying for the whole thing. When asked when he going to start pay he says he'll have no debt in 4 years. Also, he says this is my house why should he pay anything? Should I wait on move on?
VictorM's advice:
Anyone can run into a spell of bad luck and fall into debt, but that doesn't seem to be the case with your guy. He sounds like a loser with a capital "L"! But really, if you don't know that already, something is not right with you either.
But all that aside, just be aware that once you marry him, you own his debt! Creditors will come after anything they can get their hands on, which will be mostly your assets. And you really don't think that whatever drove him to debt before will drive him to debt again?
Donna, move the hell on!!
By Donna, 46, from Florida:
My fiancee has no money and tons of debt. He currently lives with me. In the last 4 years he's never paid for anything. We were suppose to marry in April 2008 but, I postponed the wedding. It was his idea to get married. I was paying for the whole thing. When asked when he going to start pay he says he'll have no debt in 4 years. Also, he says this is my house why should he pay anything? Should I wait on move on?
VictorM's advice:
Anyone can run into a spell of bad luck and fall into debt, but that doesn't seem to be the case with your guy. He sounds like a loser with a capital "L"! But really, if you don't know that already, something is not right with you either.
But all that aside, just be aware that once you marry him, you own his debt! Creditors will come after anything they can get their hands on, which will be mostly your assets. And you really don't think that whatever drove him to debt before will drive him to debt again?
Donna, move the hell on!!
I will always be in love with him
Submitted on Friday, February 29, 2008
By Katey, 26, from Ma.:
Why are guys afraid of commitment? Why does my ex from 10 years ago want to talk to me again each time he breaks up with his current girlfriend? Does he really still care about me or does he just need an ego boost because he knows I will always be in love with him?
VictorM's advice:
Guys being afraid of commitment just means they're not sure about their feelings for the girl. When "the one" comes along, they commit.
Yeah, you're just an ego boost. You're comfortable, familiar, and safe. You're a good place to visit while he licks his wounds. Then off he goes again looking for passion. You're not his passion.
By Katey, 26, from Ma.:
Why are guys afraid of commitment? Why does my ex from 10 years ago want to talk to me again each time he breaks up with his current girlfriend? Does he really still care about me or does he just need an ego boost because he knows I will always be in love with him?
VictorM's advice:
Guys being afraid of commitment just means they're not sure about their feelings for the girl. When "the one" comes along, they commit.
Yeah, you're just an ego boost. You're comfortable, familiar, and safe. You're a good place to visit while he licks his wounds. Then off he goes again looking for passion. You're not his passion.
A swing at dating his ex
Submitted on Friday, February 29, 2008
By Michelle, 21, from California:
I just moved to California from a different state, leaving fiance behind. When I moved, we had been together for almost 5 years. Things were going great for the first few weeks. Then he told me that he has decided to take a swing at dating his ex. He knows as fact I do not like her a single bit. He doesn't talk to me for a couple days. Before this incident, he would call at least once a day. After those couple of days, he starts IMing me, telling me that he knows that he really messed up and knows how much he messed up because I wasn't replying to him. He said that he wishes we could talk. What is there to talk about? And what's going on in his mind? I don't want to be thrown aside like that again, especially when I know the ex is a total downgrade from me. Is there any hope that he still wants a future with me? I still see myself marrying him, despite the things that have been going on.
VictorM's advice:
Talk to the guy. What have you got to lose? Hear what he has to say and follow your instincts after that.
Sure, you can dump him and hope to find a guy who'll never do anything he later regrets, but chances are you'll be mighty disappointed.
By Michelle, 21, from California:
I just moved to California from a different state, leaving fiance behind. When I moved, we had been together for almost 5 years. Things were going great for the first few weeks. Then he told me that he has decided to take a swing at dating his ex. He knows as fact I do not like her a single bit. He doesn't talk to me for a couple days. Before this incident, he would call at least once a day. After those couple of days, he starts IMing me, telling me that he knows that he really messed up and knows how much he messed up because I wasn't replying to him. He said that he wishes we could talk. What is there to talk about? And what's going on in his mind? I don't want to be thrown aside like that again, especially when I know the ex is a total downgrade from me. Is there any hope that he still wants a future with me? I still see myself marrying him, despite the things that have been going on.
VictorM's advice:
Talk to the guy. What have you got to lose? Hear what he has to say and follow your instincts after that.
Sure, you can dump him and hope to find a guy who'll never do anything he later regrets, but chances are you'll be mighty disappointed.
How do I restore an almost broken relationship?
Submitted on Friday, February 29, 2008
By chilli, 26, from nigeria:
How do I restore an almost broken relationship?
VictorM's advice:
It's almost broken for a reason, right? I have no idea why, but more often than not you're better off moving on.
Too often people overlook the real problems thinking they'll go away, but they never do. You just make yourself miserable or give up too much of yourself to make things work, but it's usually just a disaster waiting to happen.
Short of a magic wand, I have no answer for you.
By chilli, 26, from nigeria:
How do I restore an almost broken relationship?
VictorM's advice:
It's almost broken for a reason, right? I have no idea why, but more often than not you're better off moving on.
Too often people overlook the real problems thinking they'll go away, but they never do. You just make yourself miserable or give up too much of yourself to make things work, but it's usually just a disaster waiting to happen.
Short of a magic wand, I have no answer for you.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Why won't he talk to me?
Submitted on Thursday, February 28, 2008
By Trisha, 16, from New Hampshire:
We've never had a serious conversation since we started going out, it's all physical. Why won't he talk to me? And how do I get him to?
VictorM's advice:
He's 16. His hormones are exploding inside him like a volcano. When you're in this state, what's there to talk about? He'll be happy with only want sex as long as he keeps getting it.
Talk to him. Tell him that you think the relationship has gotten too physical and while you like that too, you want to spend more time talking and being more of a girlfriend than a sex object.
Nothing but good things will come out of this. He'll either dump you (but that's good cause then you'll know he only had one intention), or he'll respect you greatly for saying it. My guess is he's be fine with it.
Don't be afraid to express your feelings. You always win when you do.
By Trisha, 16, from New Hampshire:
We've never had a serious conversation since we started going out, it's all physical. Why won't he talk to me? And how do I get him to?
VictorM's advice:
He's 16. His hormones are exploding inside him like a volcano. When you're in this state, what's there to talk about? He'll be happy with only want sex as long as he keeps getting it.
Talk to him. Tell him that you think the relationship has gotten too physical and while you like that too, you want to spend more time talking and being more of a girlfriend than a sex object.
Nothing but good things will come out of this. He'll either dump you (but that's good cause then you'll know he only had one intention), or he'll respect you greatly for saying it. My guess is he's be fine with it.
Don't be afraid to express your feelings. You always win when you do.
Confidential to Confused (#1 priority)
Don't get fooled by the "joking" manner. There's some deep rooted belief in the different roles of the woman and the man in a relationship. If his view of the role of women clashes with yours, then it's a red flag indeed. He sounds like the kind of guy that will make a future wife very unhappy.
Doing my best to passify his insecurities
Submitted on Thursday, February 28, 2008
By Anonymous, 25, from New York:
I met a guy online. He's about 10 years older. We hit it off and even though I was still in a relationship with my baby's father, I knew I wanted out long before I met this guy, Mike. I just didn't get enough affection, or a wedding ring after 7 damn years! Anyway, I moved in with Mike after he begged me to give him a chance. He even cried when I told him I wasn't sure what I was going to, since I'd never left my baby's father before, and it's been 7 years. Anyway I moved in and things were really great for the first couple weeks. Then the sex became less frequent, and it was hard to talk to him. I still felt he loved me though. I tried my hardest to talk to him about what could be the issues, doing my best to passify his insecurities (like penis size and didn't like PDA).
A couple days ago I tried talking to him. I told him that I still loved him & wanted to make things work if he still wanted to. I told him that I realized I was asking too much of him lately. That it wasn't his fault, it was mine. It's hard to think of someone else & their needs when all you can think about is where you're going to be tomorrow, and how you're going to get by financially. When I first met him & decided to move in with him he told me it was going to be rough. It was & still is but I'm ok with that. I've struggled for the past 7 years....what's another one?
He looked at me with tears in his eyes & said that he didn't know what to say. He said he does love me but he just doesn't know anymore. He said that he thinks it was a mistake that I moved in & that we moved too fast. I told him I didn't think so. I told him that the only reason he's thinking this is because he's so depressed on where he's at financially. I told him that after I got job we'd be ok. We were great in the beginning & just everything started to go down hill slowly. I told him that things would pick right back up. That sometimes you have to take a step back in order to go forward.
He still shook his head, cried & said he was sorry. He said he wasn't happy. I asked him what I could do to make him happy.....he said there wasn't anything. He said he didn't feel close to me anymore. I told him that maybe the reason he feels this way is because whenever I try to be with him or touch him he pushes me away. He shook his head no again......and said he was sorry.
It all seems so weird that I wonder if one of his friends maybe said something bad about me and he's tripping on it. I can't figure it out. He didn't stop me when I left with all my stuff.
What do you think happened?
VictorM's answer:
Guys are notorious for getting smitten with someone rather quickly and with intensity. During this phase, they are flooded with chemicals that in essence cloud their judgment, hence the expression "blinded by love." Eventually, the high of meeting someone new wears off and the magic is gone. Just like that. It's nothing concrete about you, nothing you do wrong, nothing someone else said. It's just the ending of the brain releasing the chemicals.
Yes, you moved in too soon, but that's not to say that moving slowly would change the outcome; it would only have reduced the hassle of moving in and moving out. Ultimately, you weren't his "the one." To his credit, at least he didn't carry on a lie. I'm sure he felt guilty but he did the right thing.
Next time be weary of guys that come on too strong or fall head over heels with you right away. It's not to say the same thing will happen again, but give him time to get over the high of the initial attraction. There is a reason why people wait a year or two before marrying.
By Anonymous, 25, from New York:
I met a guy online. He's about 10 years older. We hit it off and even though I was still in a relationship with my baby's father, I knew I wanted out long before I met this guy, Mike. I just didn't get enough affection, or a wedding ring after 7 damn years! Anyway, I moved in with Mike after he begged me to give him a chance. He even cried when I told him I wasn't sure what I was going to, since I'd never left my baby's father before, and it's been 7 years. Anyway I moved in and things were really great for the first couple weeks. Then the sex became less frequent, and it was hard to talk to him. I still felt he loved me though. I tried my hardest to talk to him about what could be the issues, doing my best to passify his insecurities (like penis size and didn't like PDA).
A couple days ago I tried talking to him. I told him that I still loved him & wanted to make things work if he still wanted to. I told him that I realized I was asking too much of him lately. That it wasn't his fault, it was mine. It's hard to think of someone else & their needs when all you can think about is where you're going to be tomorrow, and how you're going to get by financially. When I first met him & decided to move in with him he told me it was going to be rough. It was & still is but I'm ok with that. I've struggled for the past 7 years....what's another one?
He looked at me with tears in his eyes & said that he didn't know what to say. He said he does love me but he just doesn't know anymore. He said that he thinks it was a mistake that I moved in & that we moved too fast. I told him I didn't think so. I told him that the only reason he's thinking this is because he's so depressed on where he's at financially. I told him that after I got job we'd be ok. We were great in the beginning & just everything started to go down hill slowly. I told him that things would pick right back up. That sometimes you have to take a step back in order to go forward.
He still shook his head, cried & said he was sorry. He said he wasn't happy. I asked him what I could do to make him happy.....he said there wasn't anything. He said he didn't feel close to me anymore. I told him that maybe the reason he feels this way is because whenever I try to be with him or touch him he pushes me away. He shook his head no again......and said he was sorry.
It all seems so weird that I wonder if one of his friends maybe said something bad about me and he's tripping on it. I can't figure it out. He didn't stop me when I left with all my stuff.
What do you think happened?
VictorM's answer:
Guys are notorious for getting smitten with someone rather quickly and with intensity. During this phase, they are flooded with chemicals that in essence cloud their judgment, hence the expression "blinded by love." Eventually, the high of meeting someone new wears off and the magic is gone. Just like that. It's nothing concrete about you, nothing you do wrong, nothing someone else said. It's just the ending of the brain releasing the chemicals.
Yes, you moved in too soon, but that's not to say that moving slowly would change the outcome; it would only have reduced the hassle of moving in and moving out. Ultimately, you weren't his "the one." To his credit, at least he didn't carry on a lie. I'm sure he felt guilty but he did the right thing.
Next time be weary of guys that come on too strong or fall head over heels with you right away. It's not to say the same thing will happen again, but give him time to get over the high of the initial attraction. There is a reason why people wait a year or two before marrying.
90% of the time things are great
Submitted on Wednesday, February 27, 2008
By Jess, 20, from U.K:
I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years now and we're both serious about the relationship and 90% of the time things are great. The only problem I have is that whenever we argue, even about the smallest thing, he will just ignore me, stop answering my calls, not text me back etc. this has been going on for awhile and up until now I've handled it by first trying to talk to him (once we start talking we usually argue it out and sort things out pretty quickly) but then getting really angry after a few days (it seems pointless to me to just ignore someone). I've tried talking to him about it when we're not arguing and he promises not to do it again...but it never works out like that.
Anyway...not to drone on but my approach really doesn't seem to be working. What's the best way for me to show him that I've had enough and I won't tolerate him ignoring me for days at a time anymore?
Is it just a guy thing?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you will tolerate it. Are you going to tell me that you'll dump a guy who's great 90% of the time over this one aspect of his behavior? Of course you won't. So the question is not how to change him; it's how to change you to deal with it better.
Yes, mulling things over and giving the girl the silent treatment is pretty much a guy thing. Too bad it's not a girl thing because quite frankly, it's not a bad idea. What happens during the silent stage is the guy thinks, ponders, debates with himself, considers he might be wrong, he gets angry, he broods, he mulls things over, and then he's ready to discuss the issue having done all that, which is why when he does come back and talks to you, you get things worked out. You're just not giving him the credit for coming back with a mind set on resolving the argument. But the period he was away was instrumental in the ability to resolve arguments.
Want to address this? The next time you argue and he goes away, let him. Don't call him. Stop pestering him. Give him the time he needs to mull things over. And what do you do during this time? Think about what the argument was about, what you could have said to have prevented the blow up, and how you can handle things better next time. Because I'm fairly certain that what brings about the arguments are sometimes partly your fault too, not just him. And while you're pondering these issues, go to the mall with friends, go see a new chick flick that he never wanted to see, catch up on your homework, etc.
If you get off his back during his self-examination period, there's a good chance those periods will get shorter and shorter. See, guys have a need to inflict some pain on those they are angry at. When he's angry at you, knowing that you're calling and getting mad is a reward for him. If you think that showing you're frustrated will speed him coming back, you're sadly mistaken; he sees it as fair punishment to inflict on you.
Take away from him the consolation he gets by knowing you're feeling bad. If you do that, he'll have the need to talk to you sooner.
By Jess, 20, from U.K:
I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years now and we're both serious about the relationship and 90% of the time things are great. The only problem I have is that whenever we argue, even about the smallest thing, he will just ignore me, stop answering my calls, not text me back etc. this has been going on for awhile and up until now I've handled it by first trying to talk to him (once we start talking we usually argue it out and sort things out pretty quickly) but then getting really angry after a few days (it seems pointless to me to just ignore someone). I've tried talking to him about it when we're not arguing and he promises not to do it again...but it never works out like that.
Anyway...not to drone on but my approach really doesn't seem to be working. What's the best way for me to show him that I've had enough and I won't tolerate him ignoring me for days at a time anymore?
Is it just a guy thing?
VictorM's advice:
Of course you will tolerate it. Are you going to tell me that you'll dump a guy who's great 90% of the time over this one aspect of his behavior? Of course you won't. So the question is not how to change him; it's how to change you to deal with it better.
Yes, mulling things over and giving the girl the silent treatment is pretty much a guy thing. Too bad it's not a girl thing because quite frankly, it's not a bad idea. What happens during the silent stage is the guy thinks, ponders, debates with himself, considers he might be wrong, he gets angry, he broods, he mulls things over, and then he's ready to discuss the issue having done all that, which is why when he does come back and talks to you, you get things worked out. You're just not giving him the credit for coming back with a mind set on resolving the argument. But the period he was away was instrumental in the ability to resolve arguments.
Want to address this? The next time you argue and he goes away, let him. Don't call him. Stop pestering him. Give him the time he needs to mull things over. And what do you do during this time? Think about what the argument was about, what you could have said to have prevented the blow up, and how you can handle things better next time. Because I'm fairly certain that what brings about the arguments are sometimes partly your fault too, not just him. And while you're pondering these issues, go to the mall with friends, go see a new chick flick that he never wanted to see, catch up on your homework, etc.
If you get off his back during his self-examination period, there's a good chance those periods will get shorter and shorter. See, guys have a need to inflict some pain on those they are angry at. When he's angry at you, knowing that you're calling and getting mad is a reward for him. If you think that showing you're frustrated will speed him coming back, you're sadly mistaken; he sees it as fair punishment to inflict on you.
Take away from him the consolation he gets by knowing you're feeling bad. If you do that, he'll have the need to talk to you sooner.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Confidential To "Obsessed"
(We gotta stop meeting like this) :)
People in general think that once you break off with someone that it should be over. But often, that's not so. For most of us, a breakup is a bad experience, one that takes a long time and several steps to get over. He has been going though that process. The actions you described are one of many steps.
You'd be wise to step back, as you have, and let him continue to purge those people from his life. The more he purges, the more room there is for you.
He tells you about these things because he sees you taking their place. But he's not ready for that yet.
People in general think that once you break off with someone that it should be over. But often, that's not so. For most of us, a breakup is a bad experience, one that takes a long time and several steps to get over. He has been going though that process. The actions you described are one of many steps.
You'd be wise to step back, as you have, and let him continue to purge those people from his life. The more he purges, the more room there is for you.
He tells you about these things because he sees you taking their place. But he's not ready for that yet.
He wanted to be exclusive and I agreed
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By Sarah, 39, from OKC, Ok:
I've been seeing a guy for a few months now, but have known him for years. He is the one that said that he wanted to be exclusive and I agreed. We live about 2 hours apart and see each other on the weekends he doesn't have his kids. He has an ex that lives 2 blocks away from him (lucky him) and they have been broken up for about 6 months. Things were going great. Texting, calling, seeing each other. Then all of a sudden he became distant, still friendly and pleasant, but distant. He is building a new house, has 2 jobs and children. I have taken into consideration the stress he deals with and that he is busy. This never seemed an issue before. I text him or calling him once a day or so right now just to say hi. I told him I had been getting vibes that things were off and wanted to know if we were cool. He said that we are just fine that he is just stressed and been busy. How do I read this? The tone has definitely changed. I started to give him his space and see what happens. I only plan to let this hang like this for awhile before I kick it to the curb. I don't know how to read the changes. I am giving him the benefit for now that he really is busy. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
As you said: "This never seemed an issue before." Bingo! Once a guy cools off, being busy is the most common excuse for the drop in attention.
The things you described are very consistent with someone who has lost interest. It starts with much intensity, and then, seemingly out of the blue, the attention drops because he's "busy". When he's asked if all is cool, he says yes. Why does he answer yes? Partly because he doesn't know if his loss of interest if a phase only, partly because he doesn't know what happened and can't explain it, partly because he doesn't have the guts to tell you how he feels.
If I'm right, he'll keep a distance hoping that you're the one who breaks up with him so he doesn't have to do it. Guys do this because you're been taught that "boys don't make girls cry."
Cease your texting and calling and see if he even bothers contacting you. My guess is that he won't, or if he does, it won't be with much enthusiasm. But bottom line is: the novelty wore off.
By Sarah, 39, from OKC, Ok:
I've been seeing a guy for a few months now, but have known him for years. He is the one that said that he wanted to be exclusive and I agreed. We live about 2 hours apart and see each other on the weekends he doesn't have his kids. He has an ex that lives 2 blocks away from him (lucky him) and they have been broken up for about 6 months. Things were going great. Texting, calling, seeing each other. Then all of a sudden he became distant, still friendly and pleasant, but distant. He is building a new house, has 2 jobs and children. I have taken into consideration the stress he deals with and that he is busy. This never seemed an issue before. I text him or calling him once a day or so right now just to say hi. I told him I had been getting vibes that things were off and wanted to know if we were cool. He said that we are just fine that he is just stressed and been busy. How do I read this? The tone has definitely changed. I started to give him his space and see what happens. I only plan to let this hang like this for awhile before I kick it to the curb. I don't know how to read the changes. I am giving him the benefit for now that he really is busy. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
As you said: "This never seemed an issue before." Bingo! Once a guy cools off, being busy is the most common excuse for the drop in attention.
The things you described are very consistent with someone who has lost interest. It starts with much intensity, and then, seemingly out of the blue, the attention drops because he's "busy". When he's asked if all is cool, he says yes. Why does he answer yes? Partly because he doesn't know if his loss of interest if a phase only, partly because he doesn't know what happened and can't explain it, partly because he doesn't have the guts to tell you how he feels.
If I'm right, he'll keep a distance hoping that you're the one who breaks up with him so he doesn't have to do it. Guys do this because you're been taught that "boys don't make girls cry."
Cease your texting and calling and see if he even bothers contacting you. My guess is that he won't, or if he does, it won't be with much enthusiasm. But bottom line is: the novelty wore off.
We started seeing each other and became lovers
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By paige, 37, from canada:
hi victor. i've been married for 14 years and i have a daughter. my husband was my first boyfriend and we got married when i was only 22. after i resigned from my job i became a homemaker and that is when i became lonely and bored. i enrolled in a gym and that is where i met a guy who is 9 years younger than me. he is also married and has a son. we started seeing each other and became lovers. i felt like i was young again and fell in love with him. i cannot say the same thing about him since he made it clear to me that his family is still his priority. since he is younger than me i give him gifts and help him financially. our affair lasted 9 months before my husband found out and my sister in law called my lover and warned him not see me again. ever since that time i never heard from my lover. he changed all his numbers. i still love him and still want to be with him. my husband still wants to be with me in spite of everything but i'm afraid i don't love him anymore. we separated early this year and i'm now working. my daughter stayed with my husband, until he was terminated from his job because he got involved in misuse of office funds. he left my daughter under my care and he just left me a message that he's moving on with his life and will move to different town. i realized i still love him but he does not want to speak to me or to my daughter. what will i do? i'm so confused...
VictorM's advice:
You fucked up. It's only natural that you're the one to pay for the consequences. Your biggest mistake wasn't the cheating; it was picking two very flawed men -- one who cheats on his own family and one who steals and then runs like a coward. Trying to get back with either one would just compound your problems. They, and all the hassles they brought you, were your penitence for choosing poorly.
Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. You should do all you can so that your daughter grows up with stability and a sense of self-respect. Focusing your energies on your daughter has more redemption value than whatever happens with the two flawed men who refuse to talk to you.
Once your life with your daughter is stable, you can start dating again, this time looking for a decent guy. With those two other guys out of your life, you have a chance to start clean. Don't mess it up by going back to the results of your previous poor judgment.
By paige, 37, from canada:
hi victor. i've been married for 14 years and i have a daughter. my husband was my first boyfriend and we got married when i was only 22. after i resigned from my job i became a homemaker and that is when i became lonely and bored. i enrolled in a gym and that is where i met a guy who is 9 years younger than me. he is also married and has a son. we started seeing each other and became lovers. i felt like i was young again and fell in love with him. i cannot say the same thing about him since he made it clear to me that his family is still his priority. since he is younger than me i give him gifts and help him financially. our affair lasted 9 months before my husband found out and my sister in law called my lover and warned him not see me again. ever since that time i never heard from my lover. he changed all his numbers. i still love him and still want to be with him. my husband still wants to be with me in spite of everything but i'm afraid i don't love him anymore. we separated early this year and i'm now working. my daughter stayed with my husband, until he was terminated from his job because he got involved in misuse of office funds. he left my daughter under my care and he just left me a message that he's moving on with his life and will move to different town. i realized i still love him but he does not want to speak to me or to my daughter. what will i do? i'm so confused...
VictorM's advice:
You fucked up. It's only natural that you're the one to pay for the consequences. Your biggest mistake wasn't the cheating; it was picking two very flawed men -- one who cheats on his own family and one who steals and then runs like a coward. Trying to get back with either one would just compound your problems. They, and all the hassles they brought you, were your penitence for choosing poorly.
Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. You should do all you can so that your daughter grows up with stability and a sense of self-respect. Focusing your energies on your daughter has more redemption value than whatever happens with the two flawed men who refuse to talk to you.
Once your life with your daughter is stable, you can start dating again, this time looking for a decent guy. With those two other guys out of your life, you have a chance to start clean. Don't mess it up by going back to the results of your previous poor judgment.
