Thursday, February 28, 2008
I found out there was another women
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By debbie, 44, from new york:
Ended a friend with benefits situation 3 weeks ago not because I didn't care but I found out there was another woman. I blasted him out about this and then apologized because I knew I was wrong. Now I don't even get any return calls for messages I have left or the acknowledgement that at least he read my email saying I was sorry. Could it be over and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore or could there be a chance of getting back together after some time has past?
VictorM's advice:
Guys can get over things like nothing happened after they brood over it for a while. So yeah, he could come back, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Part of the beauty of friends with no benefits is the freedom from the hassles. You pretty much ruined that. An apology doesn't change that you didn't have the friends with benefits mentality that he was expecting. He's no dummy. He now realizes that you have feelings that clash with his perception of the ideal situation.
I still don't get you. You say things like: "Getting back together" and "hurt me." That sounds like language related to a relationship, not to friends with benefits. Either don't call what you had "friends with benefits" or change your attitude because it sounds like you're seeking a relationship. If he's perceiving it this way, and he has no interest in a relationship, then he's not coming back.
By debbie, 44, from new york:
Ended a friend with benefits situation 3 weeks ago not because I didn't care but I found out there was another woman. I blasted him out about this and then apologized because I knew I was wrong. Now I don't even get any return calls for messages I have left or the acknowledgement that at least he read my email saying I was sorry. Could it be over and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore or could there be a chance of getting back together after some time has past?
VictorM's advice:
Guys can get over things like nothing happened after they brood over it for a while. So yeah, he could come back, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Part of the beauty of friends with no benefits is the freedom from the hassles. You pretty much ruined that. An apology doesn't change that you didn't have the friends with benefits mentality that he was expecting. He's no dummy. He now realizes that you have feelings that clash with his perception of the ideal situation.
I still don't get you. You say things like: "Getting back together" and "hurt me." That sounds like language related to a relationship, not to friends with benefits. Either don't call what you had "friends with benefits" or change your attitude because it sounds like you're seeking a relationship. If he's perceiving it this way, and he has no interest in a relationship, then he's not coming back.
Is there a time limit?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By Janet, 21, from Atlanta, GA:
If a man dissapears on you (we've never had sex/made out etc), how long should it be until he realizes he misses you? Is there a time limit where I will know for sure he's not that into me? He dissapeared before for 2 and a half weeks and came back very excited.
VictorM's advice:
Forget the amount of time... if he disappears on you, he's not into you! It's really that simple. He only comes back to pass the time, to cure boredom, or for some other selfish reason, but he doesn't come because he misses you.
By Janet, 21, from Atlanta, GA:
If a man dissapears on you (we've never had sex/made out etc), how long should it be until he realizes he misses you? Is there a time limit where I will know for sure he's not that into me? He dissapeared before for 2 and a half weeks and came back very excited.
VictorM's advice:
Forget the amount of time... if he disappears on you, he's not into you! It's really that simple. He only comes back to pass the time, to cure boredom, or for some other selfish reason, but he doesn't come because he misses you.
I want her to be my girlfriend
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By Ahmed, 30, from turkey:
hi. i realized that this is a place for girls to ask questions but as i'm really confused and under pressure i have decided to give it a try maybe you could give me an advise for my problem. i will really appreciate. and i apologize for my bad english grammer .
here is my problem:
there is a girl whom i know for about 1 year. we became closer from 3 months a go. at first we were just friends and we decide to continue like good friends but after a while i found that I want her to be my girlfriend. i started to show her what i want and i tried to tell her directly that i like her. but the problem is that her behaviour is very strange and paradox. one day she is nice and seems that she wants to be my girlfriend too, and another day she says that you should not come closer to me we are just friends. when i ask her to go out with friends she accepts but after that she complains that "why do your friends think that we are girlfriend and boyfriend?" (what else they would think?) she acts like she wants this relationship. she comes over my house, meet my family ...but when we want to talk about our relationship she said that "i don't want a new relationship. i like my memories of my ex boyfriend and i want to keep them." i'm now so confused and don't know what to do. if she wants me so why does she sometimes ask to decline or decrease the relationship? and if she doesn't want me, why she doesn't leave the relationship? i don't know if i should give her more time? or talk to her again? there is no misty thing in my behaviour it's obvious that i like her but some times i'm inevitable to act the way she wants. i'm not happy. i don't have peace and i really have to decide soon. i will appreciate if you guide me what to do.
thank you.
Ahmed.30.from turkey.
VictorM's advice:
You have only been seeing her for a few months and she's still trying to get over her ex-boyfriend. She enjoys your company but is not ready for a relationship. You really need to give her more time and treat her purely as a friend for a while. There's a chance she's trying to get to know you better before she commits to avoid the mistake she made before with the other guy. You may be paying for the "crimes" of the previous guy. It may sound unfair to you, but that's how life is.
I'm going to ask other female visitors to please chime in using the VISITOR COMMENTS below to give Ahmed your opinions and suggestions. Thanks
hi. i realized that this is a place for girls to ask questions but as i'm really confused and under pressure i have decided to give it a try maybe you could give me an advise for my problem. i will really appreciate. and i apologize for my bad english grammer .
here is my problem:
there is a girl whom i know for about 1 year. we became closer from 3 months a go. at first we were just friends and we decide to continue like good friends but after a while i found that I want her to be my girlfriend. i started to show her what i want and i tried to tell her directly that i like her. but the problem is that her behaviour is very strange and paradox. one day she is nice and seems that she wants to be my girlfriend too, and another day she says that you should not come closer to me we are just friends. when i ask her to go out with friends she accepts but after that she complains that "why do your friends think that we are girlfriend and boyfriend?" (what else they would think?) she acts like she wants this relationship. she comes over my house, meet my family ...but when we want to talk about our relationship she said that "i don't want a new relationship. i like my memories of my ex boyfriend and i want to keep them." i'm now so confused and don't know what to do. if she wants me so why does she sometimes ask to decline or decrease the relationship? and if she doesn't want me, why she doesn't leave the relationship? i don't know if i should give her more time? or talk to her again? there is no misty thing in my behaviour it's obvious that i like her but some times i'm inevitable to act the way she wants. i'm not happy. i don't have peace and i really have to decide soon. i will appreciate if you guide me what to do.
thank you.
Ahmed.30.from turkey.
VictorM's advice:
You have only been seeing her for a few months and she's still trying to get over her ex-boyfriend. She enjoys your company but is not ready for a relationship. You really need to give her more time and treat her purely as a friend for a while. There's a chance she's trying to get to know you better before she commits to avoid the mistake she made before with the other guy. You may be paying for the "crimes" of the previous guy. It may sound unfair to you, but that's how life is.
I'm going to ask other female visitors to please chime in using the VISITOR COMMENTS below to give Ahmed your opinions and suggestions. Thanks
Successful and rich
Submitted on Monday, February 25, 2008
By Ada, 35:
Hi Victor,
I am just engaged to a man who was poor when we met but now become very successful and rich. I am supposed to be happy but I feel he starts focusing on his jobs and spending time with friends more than me. If I complain, he will find time for me. But I don't know why I keep thinking he will cheat on me one day since he is not always around me now and his friend always take him to the club to watch show girls. He is a person that doesn't know romance or being tender or loving, is it possible to train him? What is the proper way to communicate with a man like him? He's 45 now and a very strong and manly type of guy. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Guys can be trained on many things but this guy is already 45, is not romantic, not tender, not loving, goes to shady clubs, only reacts to your wishes when you complain, and you don't trust him to be faithful... I think you're dreaming if you think he will change after you marry him.
You are engaged to a man who seemingly lacks many of the qualities you like. I say forget about him being trained; you're the one who needs to be trained to avoid an impending disaster and reevaluate marrying a man that will make you unhappy.
By Ada, 35:
Hi Victor,
I am just engaged to a man who was poor when we met but now become very successful and rich. I am supposed to be happy but I feel he starts focusing on his jobs and spending time with friends more than me. If I complain, he will find time for me. But I don't know why I keep thinking he will cheat on me one day since he is not always around me now and his friend always take him to the club to watch show girls. He is a person that doesn't know romance or being tender or loving, is it possible to train him? What is the proper way to communicate with a man like him? He's 45 now and a very strong and manly type of guy. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Guys can be trained on many things but this guy is already 45, is not romantic, not tender, not loving, goes to shady clubs, only reacts to your wishes when you complain, and you don't trust him to be faithful... I think you're dreaming if you think he will change after you marry him.
You are engaged to a man who seemingly lacks many of the qualities you like. I say forget about him being trained; you're the one who needs to be trained to avoid an impending disaster and reevaluate marrying a man that will make you unhappy.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
A guy asked me out for coffee
Submitted on Monday, February 25, 2008
By Sara, 21, from Valencia, CA:
A guy asked me out for coffee. We've known each other for 6 months already. I asked him out a week earlier but I had to cancel it because of school work. The appointment/date was very fun and casual. He then said he wanted to know where I would end up in medical school AND that maybe we should do this again sometimes. I stated to him jokingly that earlier I called/emailed/texted him with no replies. He laugh, said he gets that all the time, and we left each other (a girl he "tutors" picked him up). I called him 3 days after the coffee. It's been a day since the call--no replies. Albeit I was being a little confrontational, but shouldn't he call me back? What should I do now? We've always been good friends/ talked all the time/ he calls be back right away but now he's distant/seems to ignore my calls and at the date he was bragging about a publication and perhaps leaving for Paris for a year.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that what you meant was "shouldn't he call me back if he was interested in me?" Um... probably. A little deductive reasoning should give you a clue about his state of mind.
Why should he have called back? He's free not to and you're free to reach your own conclusions.
By Sara, 21, from Valencia, CA:
A guy asked me out for coffee. We've known each other for 6 months already. I asked him out a week earlier but I had to cancel it because of school work. The appointment/date was very fun and casual. He then said he wanted to know where I would end up in medical school AND that maybe we should do this again sometimes. I stated to him jokingly that earlier I called/emailed/texted him with no replies. He laugh, said he gets that all the time, and we left each other (a girl he "tutors" picked him up). I called him 3 days after the coffee. It's been a day since the call--no replies. Albeit I was being a little confrontational, but shouldn't he call me back? What should I do now? We've always been good friends/ talked all the time/ he calls be back right away but now he's distant/seems to ignore my calls and at the date he was bragging about a publication and perhaps leaving for Paris for a year.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that what you meant was "shouldn't he call me back if he was interested in me?" Um... probably. A little deductive reasoning should give you a clue about his state of mind.
Why should he have called back? He's free not to and you're free to reach your own conclusions.
I have been single for about a year now and I'm ready to date
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By Lydia, 19, from Texas:
HI. I have been single for about a year now and I'm ready to date, I've BEEN ready to date. Problem is, is that I'm a little shy, but when I do put myself out there I usually get hurt or rejected. I'm at the end of the line basically, almost completely given up. I mean, I'm no Victoria's Secret model, but hey I'm really pretty, yet I can't seem to even get a guy to look my way, and I just have to wonder, why in the world can't I get a guy to approach me or anything of that matter? It doesn't make sense and I'm so frustrated now. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Get the hell out of Texas right now! There are far too many gorgeous women down there, parading around in their tight little shorts! The whole state is like a freaking beauty pageant!
OK... I'm kidding (kinda).
Getting hurt and rejected is part of the deal. It happens to everyone, sooner or later. Despite my joking above, chances are that you're much prettier than you think. Guys either go for you for the looks (hence the hurt) or they are intimidated by you and stay away. Break the cycle by asking mediocre looking guys out. Guys that you don't really care about but you consider a nice. They'll be happy to be in your company and you start sending out the vibe that you're in the dating mode.
You're a little shy, so you can ask a guy without really asking him. If there's a single guy in your circle of acquaintances, mention that you'd love to go see There Will Be Blood (or any movie or event) but would hate to go alone. There's a good chance the guy will volunteer.
You need to do more casual dating so that "hurt and rejected" will not be the end result. Eventually, you'll attract more guys to your liking.
By Lydia, 19, from Texas:
HI. I have been single for about a year now and I'm ready to date, I've BEEN ready to date. Problem is, is that I'm a little shy, but when I do put myself out there I usually get hurt or rejected. I'm at the end of the line basically, almost completely given up. I mean, I'm no Victoria's Secret model, but hey I'm really pretty, yet I can't seem to even get a guy to look my way, and I just have to wonder, why in the world can't I get a guy to approach me or anything of that matter? It doesn't make sense and I'm so frustrated now. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Get the hell out of Texas right now! There are far too many gorgeous women down there, parading around in their tight little shorts! The whole state is like a freaking beauty pageant!
OK... I'm kidding (kinda).
Getting hurt and rejected is part of the deal. It happens to everyone, sooner or later. Despite my joking above, chances are that you're much prettier than you think. Guys either go for you for the looks (hence the hurt) or they are intimidated by you and stay away. Break the cycle by asking mediocre looking guys out. Guys that you don't really care about but you consider a nice. They'll be happy to be in your company and you start sending out the vibe that you're in the dating mode.
You're a little shy, so you can ask a guy without really asking him. If there's a single guy in your circle of acquaintances, mention that you'd love to go see There Will Be Blood (or any movie or event) but would hate to go alone. There's a good chance the guy will volunteer.
You need to do more casual dating so that "hurt and rejected" will not be the end result. Eventually, you'll attract more guys to your liking.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I'm in a very complicated relationship
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By Roeleen, 18, from South africa:
I'm in a very complicated relationship. The guy I'm dating has to stay with his ex girlfriend due to cultural reasons. He was chosen to become the next king of his people and his wife has been chosen too. We're in love and he doesn't want to be with her but doesn't want to disrespect his culture. Do I stay wit him or do I leave?
VictorM's advice:
You leave. The decision is his to make. He has to live with the consequences of his choice. Pushing him will most likely backfire later on in life. Let it be his decision.
Giving up a throne for love is not new. In 1936, King Edward VIII gave up the throne of England to marry an American woman. I doubt your prince has a bigger burden than to give up the Kingdom of England, but still, it should be his decision to make. You should walk away.
By Roeleen, 18, from South africa:
I'm in a very complicated relationship. The guy I'm dating has to stay with his ex girlfriend due to cultural reasons. He was chosen to become the next king of his people and his wife has been chosen too. We're in love and he doesn't want to be with her but doesn't want to disrespect his culture. Do I stay wit him or do I leave?
VictorM's advice:
You leave. The decision is his to make. He has to live with the consequences of his choice. Pushing him will most likely backfire later on in life. Let it be his decision.
Giving up a throne for love is not new. In 1936, King Edward VIII gave up the throne of England to marry an American woman. I doubt your prince has a bigger burden than to give up the Kingdom of England, but still, it should be his decision to make. You should walk away.
A whole year younger than me
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By JB, 19, from USA:
I'm starting to date this guy who's a whole year younger than me. I've always dated guys older than me...1 yr, 5 yrs, 18 yrs older. This is the first time dating someone younger. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he likes me, but sometimes when I'm around him I can't help but feel like an old woman. He's polite, and very funny, he jokes around with me but sometimes he's really really quiet. Do you think he thinks about our age difference as much as I do? And how can I get over it?
VictorM's advice:
Age difference?! One year?! That's not an age difference; that's washed out in rounding.
I can't imagine that your ages enters his mind at all. He goes quiet at times because that's part of his personality, not as a result of your math.
You get over it by accepting my new rule in life: when the couple is within one year of each other, they are, for all intents and purposes, considered to be the same age.
Now, go find some real problem with this guy so you can do your girlfriend duty and torment him about it. Go... shoo!
By JB, 19, from USA:
I'm starting to date this guy who's a whole year younger than me. I've always dated guys older than me...1 yr, 5 yrs, 18 yrs older. This is the first time dating someone younger. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he likes me, but sometimes when I'm around him I can't help but feel like an old woman. He's polite, and very funny, he jokes around with me but sometimes he's really really quiet. Do you think he thinks about our age difference as much as I do? And how can I get over it?
VictorM's advice:
Age difference?! One year?! That's not an age difference; that's washed out in rounding.
I can't imagine that your ages enters his mind at all. He goes quiet at times because that's part of his personality, not as a result of your math.
You get over it by accepting my new rule in life: when the couple is within one year of each other, they are, for all intents and purposes, considered to be the same age.
Now, go find some real problem with this guy so you can do your girlfriend duty and torment him about it. Go... shoo!
Did I blow it, or is he really not interested?
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By Candela, 37, from New York:
How do I erase this mistake with him?
Met "Z" online, ignored him for a while . He wouldn't give up and finally we talked on the phone forever, had a great connection and set up a Sunday afternoon to meet.
I don't hear from him Friday or Saturday, so I figured he blew me off and forgot about it. Sunday he leaves text messages about the date, which I don't get, so in effect I guess I blew him off. He starts emailing me. I get back to him we hang out finally (Saturday night dinner and I drove to his neighborhood) . Incredible date, I'm naming our future kids on the way home.
He calls me the next day, asks me if I'd like to do it again. Gives no specifics. I go nuts for 5 days. Like an IDIOT I email him, we end up setting up a second meeting. He texts me to postpone the time (helping a friend put up curtains?) I start to refuse, he insists that we still meet. He calls back later to postpone the date for the next day (this time was something I believe is legitimate), I tell him no, I have plans. He tries to make it anyway, I forget it, I'll change my plans. We meet for drinks and make out a tiny bit. He left the next day to visit family, he's coming home Tuesday.
I know I'm an idiot. I deleted all his contact info so I'm not tempted, but is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him, did I blow it, or is he really not interested?
VictorM's advice:
Either I have major comprehension problems, you left out a portion of the story, or you're losing your marbles, but I have no idea what you're really asking me. I'm particularly confused by "is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him." Maybe this submission makes sense to the female mind and female visitors will be kind enough to translate it from "girl talk" to "making sense". :)
Sorry, but I don't know what to tell you unless and until the question makes sense to me.
By Candela, 37, from New York:
How do I erase this mistake with him?
Met "Z" online, ignored him for a while . He wouldn't give up and finally we talked on the phone forever, had a great connection and set up a Sunday afternoon to meet.
I don't hear from him Friday or Saturday, so I figured he blew me off and forgot about it. Sunday he leaves text messages about the date, which I don't get, so in effect I guess I blew him off. He starts emailing me. I get back to him we hang out finally (Saturday night dinner and I drove to his neighborhood) . Incredible date, I'm naming our future kids on the way home.
He calls me the next day, asks me if I'd like to do it again. Gives no specifics. I go nuts for 5 days. Like an IDIOT I email him, we end up setting up a second meeting. He texts me to postpone the time (helping a friend put up curtains?) I start to refuse, he insists that we still meet. He calls back later to postpone the date for the next day (this time was something I believe is legitimate), I tell him no, I have plans. He tries to make it anyway, I forget it, I'll change my plans. We meet for drinks and make out a tiny bit. He left the next day to visit family, he's coming home Tuesday.
I know I'm an idiot. I deleted all his contact info so I'm not tempted, but is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him, did I blow it, or is he really not interested?
VictorM's advice:
Either I have major comprehension problems, you left out a portion of the story, or you're losing your marbles, but I have no idea what you're really asking me. I'm particularly confused by "is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him." Maybe this submission makes sense to the female mind and female visitors will be kind enough to translate it from "girl talk" to "making sense". :)
Sorry, but I don't know what to tell you unless and until the question makes sense to me.
I can't breathe when you touch me
Submitted on Saturday, February 23, 2008
By Brenda, 20, from pennsylvania:
hi =) i just have a question .. i was hanging out with my guy best friend and my girl best friend the other night were sitting in his car- then halfway through, he gets up and comes and sits in the back with me. we end up staying and just chillin and listening to music for an hour. me and him were leaning into eachother but not sitting close to eachother and my friend just moved her passanger seat back to be like "with us". then as a few minutes went by, we started leaning in closer. i do like my guy best friend, a LOT. and there's always ways that show he might like me to. we have a long history of being friends, but also very very flirty friends. people always ask if there's something going on between us, cuz he treats me differently. and looks at me romantically, but with respect cuz he knows i have morals and such. i know a guy can flirt with anything and anyone, lol but it's just weird. like as we were sitting in his car- he would like touch under my chin, and then when he was in the back seat with me, he pushed my head on HIS shoulder, then put his head on top on mine, and we just sat like that for a good 10 minutes. then later on, he got up, and layed on my lap. his head was on my thigh.. and he would look up at me, and i was playing with his hair/head and when lyrics to a song would come on, he would sing a little louder and touch my knee.. like the lyrics were "i can't breathe when you touch me.." and he like caressed my knee. AHH. lol and stuff.. and it was just.. adorable. and at one part- he put his arm behind his head, but like pulled mine down, so his arm was on my shoulder? but our faces were like right by each other .. it was comfy =) haha but still it was soo weird, and my friend was like "yeahh that's awkwardly sexual?" and he just kept his hands and stuff where they were. and he said i was teasing him cause i was showing my bra to my girlfriend when he wasn't looking, then cover myself quick when he would =) haha. but idk we stayed like that in his car from 12:0Oam-3:0Oam.. just him laying on me.. touching and rubbing my knee, starring up at me, laughing, talking, and it was just so nice.. BUTTTTt besides that night, he's been saying how he wants to get back with his ex girlfriend.? and the other night (after this) he was just watching tv at her house, but texting me seeing what i was up to. which i thought was cute but weird, cuz he was thinking about me after this night.. but idk i feel like he's teasing me, but does have real feelings for me like i do toward him underneath but is scared to lose our amazing bond/friendship if we kissed and such. but idkk it was too flirty to be "comfortable friends".. & he's a guy so i know he'd get sex outta his ex g/f but not from me -- yet anyways cuz i have morals and such.. but idkk what do you think?? gahhh help? :) thanks.
VictorM's advice:
You're so cute it's sickening. Yuck! :-p
Yeah, it's wonderful... the games, the light touching, the "what ifs" that run through your mind... it's great fun. Those are magical moments you never want to end. Yes, there is something erotic about it, but mostly it's a warm and fuzzy feeling. And he's in no rush to spoil it.
There are different types of girlfriends: the ones you just want to play with, and the ones you fantasize being the mother of your children. If you fall in the second category -- and it sounds like you do -- he'll move very slowly on you. First, he needs to get the first type out of his system.
And the talk about his ex-girlfriend? It's nothing. Guys often say stuff like that to the girl they like to see if there's a reaction. Makes us feel more wanted. Dumb logic, I know, but we all do it.
hi =) i just have a question .. i was hanging out with my guy best friend and my girl best friend the other night were sitting in his car- then halfway through, he gets up and comes and sits in the back with me. we end up staying and just chillin and listening to music for an hour. me and him were leaning into eachother but not sitting close to eachother and my friend just moved her passanger seat back to be like "with us". then as a few minutes went by, we started leaning in closer. i do like my guy best friend, a LOT. and there's always ways that show he might like me to. we have a long history of being friends, but also very very flirty friends. people always ask if there's something going on between us, cuz he treats me differently. and looks at me romantically, but with respect cuz he knows i have morals and such. i know a guy can flirt with anything and anyone, lol but it's just weird. like as we were sitting in his car- he would like touch under my chin, and then when he was in the back seat with me, he pushed my head on HIS shoulder, then put his head on top on mine, and we just sat like that for a good 10 minutes. then later on, he got up, and layed on my lap. his head was on my thigh.. and he would look up at me, and i was playing with his hair/head and when lyrics to a song would come on, he would sing a little louder and touch my knee.. like the lyrics were "i can't breathe when you touch me.." and he like caressed my knee. AHH. lol and stuff.. and it was just.. adorable. and at one part- he put his arm behind his head, but like pulled mine down, so his arm was on my shoulder? but our faces were like right by each other .. it was comfy =) haha but still it was soo weird, and my friend was like "yeahh that's awkwardly sexual?" and he just kept his hands and stuff where they were. and he said i was teasing him cause i was showing my bra to my girlfriend when he wasn't looking, then cover myself quick when he would =) haha. but idk we stayed like that in his car from 12:0Oam-3:0Oam.. just him laying on me.. touching and rubbing my knee, starring up at me, laughing, talking, and it was just so nice.. BUTTTTt besides that night, he's been saying how he wants to get back with his ex girlfriend.? and the other night (after this) he was just watching tv at her house, but texting me seeing what i was up to. which i thought was cute but weird, cuz he was thinking about me after this night.. but idk i feel like he's teasing me, but does have real feelings for me like i do toward him underneath but is scared to lose our amazing bond/friendship if we kissed and such. but idkk it was too flirty to be "comfortable friends".. & he's a guy so i know he'd get sex outta his ex g/f but not from me -- yet anyways cuz i have morals and such.. but idkk what do you think?? gahhh help? :) thanks.
VictorM's advice:
You're so cute it's sickening. Yuck! :-p
Yeah, it's wonderful... the games, the light touching, the "what ifs" that run through your mind... it's great fun. Those are magical moments you never want to end. Yes, there is something erotic about it, but mostly it's a warm and fuzzy feeling. And he's in no rush to spoil it.
There are different types of girlfriends: the ones you just want to play with, and the ones you fantasize being the mother of your children. If you fall in the second category -- and it sounds like you do -- he'll move very slowly on you. First, he needs to get the first type out of his system.
And the talk about his ex-girlfriend? It's nothing. Guys often say stuff like that to the girl they like to see if there's a reaction. Makes us feel more wanted. Dumb logic, I know, but we all do it.
How can I possibly measure up to THAT?
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008 By Sara, 25:
While at a bookstore with a guy I have been casually dating for sometime now (a little under a year or so...not exclusive but I hope we will be eventually...we're getting there)...he was looking at a magazine. He came across a sex article which had a photo of a very attractive blonde girl. She was lying on a bed wearing a tiny, lacy tank top and veeeeery skimpy underwear. My date was obviously impressed and was like "Whooooah....this is hot. Damn...She's hot....Seriously, look at what she's wearing. Woooooow." And he kept flipping back to that page. He also has told me who his celebrity crush is and how hot she is. At movies he tells me when one of the actresses is hot. I have told him which male celebrity I have a crush on as well, but only because he asked me. I don't however excessively talk about my celeb crush or any other guys right in front of the guy I'm dating, though. Well, my date however practically jacks off to these pictures right in front of me at the borders bookstore!....LOL....Ok, I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect, but you catch my drift! He makes it obvious he's liking what he sees. I told a friend about this and she was like, "He's probably just trying to make you jealous." But I really DON'T think he was. He would show me the piture in the magazine for example, but I don't think I noticed him glancing up at me for my reaction at all though....I really think he was just so taken by her, that impulsively, he had to show me...I DO KNOW that there is NOTHING WRONG with him having crushes on, or getting horny over some other girl (PARTICULARLY If she is a celebrity or girl in a magazine that he will likely never meet)...but it just makes me uncomfortable and jealous. I mean he has told me I'M hot, and whatever....He takes pictures of my ass and boobs while we play sports at the bar if I'm not looking. (He's never seen me naked...but I have worn low cut tops in front of him and tight jeans, etc.)And he wrote on my facebook wall once that he thinks I'm beautiful. So I think he finds me attractive...But when he shows me these pictures of SUPERMODELS, and DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOUBLE D CHESTED GIRLS....Of course I'm insecure that THAT'S what he finds attractive. I am always told I am attractive by others...I have modeled a bit for small companies...Hoewever...I can't help but feel like "How can I possibly measure up to THAT???" Of course he likes them and likes looking at them....they are BEAUTIFUL. And I like looking at a good looking male as much as any other staight female, and I do....But does he have to tell me anytime he thinks one of these girls is basically turning him on? Can't that be his own little private thought to himself? Why tell me?
VictorM's advice:
He tells you because in his mind you have no reason to be jealous at all or feel that you don't measure up. Getting you jealous is not the intent. He simply sees something that he finds beautiful and wants to share it with you. Yeah, it's a naive thing to do, but hey, in the simple mind of guys, that's what's going on. I bet he'd be shocked to know it bothers you.
At least when he talks about crushes and other girls he's communicating with you. You're the one that needs to tell him that you'd prefer if he kept it to himself. If you do it nicely ("I have no problems with you looking at those pictures and having celebrity crushes, but I'd prefer if you didn't tell me") he should get the message.
How old is this guy? 15, 16? :-p
While at a bookstore with a guy I have been casually dating for sometime now (a little under a year or so...not exclusive but I hope we will be eventually...we're getting there)...he was looking at a magazine. He came across a sex article which had a photo of a very attractive blonde girl. She was lying on a bed wearing a tiny, lacy tank top and veeeeery skimpy underwear. My date was obviously impressed and was like "Whooooah....this is hot. Damn...She's hot....Seriously, look at what she's wearing. Woooooow." And he kept flipping back to that page. He also has told me who his celebrity crush is and how hot she is. At movies he tells me when one of the actresses is hot. I have told him which male celebrity I have a crush on as well, but only because he asked me. I don't however excessively talk about my celeb crush or any other guys right in front of the guy I'm dating, though. Well, my date however practically jacks off to these pictures right in front of me at the borders bookstore!....LOL....Ok, I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect, but you catch my drift! He makes it obvious he's liking what he sees. I told a friend about this and she was like, "He's probably just trying to make you jealous." But I really DON'T think he was. He would show me the piture in the magazine for example, but I don't think I noticed him glancing up at me for my reaction at all though....I really think he was just so taken by her, that impulsively, he had to show me...I DO KNOW that there is NOTHING WRONG with him having crushes on, or getting horny over some other girl (PARTICULARLY If she is a celebrity or girl in a magazine that he will likely never meet)...but it just makes me uncomfortable and jealous. I mean he has told me I'M hot, and whatever....He takes pictures of my ass and boobs while we play sports at the bar if I'm not looking. (He's never seen me naked...but I have worn low cut tops in front of him and tight jeans, etc.)And he wrote on my facebook wall once that he thinks I'm beautiful. So I think he finds me attractive...But when he shows me these pictures of SUPERMODELS, and DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOUBLE D CHESTED GIRLS....Of course I'm insecure that THAT'S what he finds attractive. I am always told I am attractive by others...I have modeled a bit for small companies...Hoewever...I can't help but feel like "How can I possibly measure up to THAT???" Of course he likes them and likes looking at them....they are BEAUTIFUL. And I like looking at a good looking male as much as any other staight female, and I do....But does he have to tell me anytime he thinks one of these girls is basically turning him on? Can't that be his own little private thought to himself? Why tell me?
VictorM's advice:
He tells you because in his mind you have no reason to be jealous at all or feel that you don't measure up. Getting you jealous is not the intent. He simply sees something that he finds beautiful and wants to share it with you. Yeah, it's a naive thing to do, but hey, in the simple mind of guys, that's what's going on. I bet he'd be shocked to know it bothers you.
At least when he talks about crushes and other girls he's communicating with you. You're the one that needs to tell him that you'd prefer if he kept it to himself. If you do it nicely ("I have no problems with you looking at those pictures and having celebrity crushes, but I'd prefer if you didn't tell me") he should get the message.
How old is this guy? 15, 16? :-p
Monday, February 25, 2008
I'm having trouble planning dates
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By mimi, 20, from U.S.A:
By mimi, 20, from U.S.A:
I currently have a job that requires me to work after 8 pm - 1 am everyday of the week. After work, I'm usually tired and just go home. However, I'm having trouble planning dates as it is hard to do things during the day. I need help? What are some things that guys enjoy that can be done before 7/8? (especially in winter!) I feel so left out and I rarely get to go on dates; also, do you think guys would mind the fact that I can only hang out at certain times? I need my job at the moment and I enjoy it as well and the pay is good. So what do I doo?? HELP ME, thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
There are tons of things you can do during the day: bowling, ice skating, museums, billiards, movies (yeah, they have matinées), skying, hiking, lunch, paint ball, roasting marshmallows by the fireplace, etc. Frankly, the options are so many. Don't let your work hours deter you from dating. If guys like you, they could care less about the hours.
Plus, what do you do on weekends?
VictorM's advice:
There are tons of things you can do during the day: bowling, ice skating, museums, billiards, movies (yeah, they have matinées), skying, hiking, lunch, paint ball, roasting marshmallows by the fireplace, etc. Frankly, the options are so many. Don't let your work hours deter you from dating. If guys like you, they could care less about the hours.
Plus, what do you do on weekends?
Was he ever really interested?
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Amanda, from USA:
A guy I had been talking to for a while asked me out, and I agreed. I then found out (first through his ex, then him) that he was still sleeping with his ex. I agreed to back off until things cooled down, and after a quiet period, we've begun talking about non-work topics again. Was he ever really interested?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he was interested, but if he asked you out, he must have been. The fact that he was still having sex with his ex has nothing to do with what he might think about you.
There's a lot of reasons a guy sleeps with his ex, including pity, habit, opportunity, "hey, she's willing," and many more reasons that have nothing to do with feelings. I don't see why a guy who starts dating a girl should stop having sex with another until the dating evolves into a steady and committed relationship.
*I know, I'm going to get hell for this answer*
By Amanda, from USA:
A guy I had been talking to for a while asked me out, and I agreed. I then found out (first through his ex, then him) that he was still sleeping with his ex. I agreed to back off until things cooled down, and after a quiet period, we've begun talking about non-work topics again. Was he ever really interested?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he was interested, but if he asked you out, he must have been. The fact that he was still having sex with his ex has nothing to do with what he might think about you.
There's a lot of reasons a guy sleeps with his ex, including pity, habit, opportunity, "hey, she's willing," and many more reasons that have nothing to do with feelings. I don't see why a guy who starts dating a girl should stop having sex with another until the dating evolves into a steady and committed relationship.
*I know, I'm going to get hell for this answer*
Our relationship has been more of a "friends with benefits"
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Tess, 23, from Colorado:
I have been seeing the same guy for the past three and a half years. He is someone that I love and can see myself having a wonderful future with. However right now we are off, and have been for the past two years. Frankly, our relationship has been more of a "friends with benefits." We see each other almost everyday, and even spend holidays and birthdays together. The problem is, that he wants us to remain this way because, he gets what he wants without all of the hassle. I want the title of girlfriend and boyfriend. The reasoning behind this is because I want to feel wanted and not taken advantage of. I have waited for two years for him to make a commitment to me, but each time I bring up the subject, it turns into a huge fight and things get no where. Why is keeping the relationship like this so important to him? And why won't he make a commitment to me? Two years seems long enough to wait, am I being silly by asking for more out of him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being silly. But that's because you're in denial. You simple refuse to accept the obvious: he's not into you. That's why he doesn't want to commit. You're just filling a void until he finds the girl of his dreams.
By Tess, 23, from Colorado:
I have been seeing the same guy for the past three and a half years. He is someone that I love and can see myself having a wonderful future with. However right now we are off, and have been for the past two years. Frankly, our relationship has been more of a "friends with benefits." We see each other almost everyday, and even spend holidays and birthdays together. The problem is, that he wants us to remain this way because, he gets what he wants without all of the hassle. I want the title of girlfriend and boyfriend. The reasoning behind this is because I want to feel wanted and not taken advantage of. I have waited for two years for him to make a commitment to me, but each time I bring up the subject, it turns into a huge fight and things get no where. Why is keeping the relationship like this so important to him? And why won't he make a commitment to me? Two years seems long enough to wait, am I being silly by asking for more out of him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being silly. But that's because you're in denial. You simple refuse to accept the obvious: he's not into you. That's why he doesn't want to commit. You're just filling a void until he finds the girl of his dreams.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
We have talked about dating
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Sharon, 31, from New Hampshire:
This guy and I that work together have been hanging out a lot. We have talked about dating but he says he doesn't want to get involved or go down that path in case we aren't friends anymore. Is this his way of just saying he really isn't interested in me or is this like a valid reason?
VictorM's advice:
It's a very valid reason. Consider that for men, the three most traumatic experiences are: loss of a loved one, divorce, and loss of a job. There is a connection between being employed and a man's sense of worth. Guys are generally more fearful of losing their jobs than girls are. That should be a factor when you consider his level of interest in you.
He also has a point about what your relationship at work would be like if you try going out and it fails. More so if there is bad blood after the break-up. This possibility is made more serious by the point I made above.
Of course, you can solve this quickly: get a job at another company (I'm kidding, but not by much). Seriously, are you into this guy enough that you would quit your job for him? If you are, you should discuss it with him and consider doing it (you'd also call his bluff); if you're not, you should understand how he feels.
By Sharon, 31, from New Hampshire:
This guy and I that work together have been hanging out a lot. We have talked about dating but he says he doesn't want to get involved or go down that path in case we aren't friends anymore. Is this his way of just saying he really isn't interested in me or is this like a valid reason?
VictorM's advice:
It's a very valid reason. Consider that for men, the three most traumatic experiences are: loss of a loved one, divorce, and loss of a job. There is a connection between being employed and a man's sense of worth. Guys are generally more fearful of losing their jobs than girls are. That should be a factor when you consider his level of interest in you.
He also has a point about what your relationship at work would be like if you try going out and it fails. More so if there is bad blood after the break-up. This possibility is made more serious by the point I made above.
Of course, you can solve this quickly: get a job at another company (I'm kidding, but not by much). Seriously, are you into this guy enough that you would quit your job for him? If you are, you should discuss it with him and consider doing it (you'd also call his bluff); if you're not, you should understand how he feels.
He seemed to disappear and not call
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By kee, 30, from richmond:
I was in a good relationship with this really great guy. The problem is that he used to call me every night,then he started calling maybe 3 times a week. We used to spend every weekend together, then he seemed to disappear and not call. So I started messing around with a guy who I used to like. We had sex and I also messed around with my current guy. I got caught up and I ended up with an STD and I had to tell my current guy. Well quite naturally he found out I had messed around because he was negative and I couldn't believe it because I used protection with the other guy and not him. Well, he broke up with me because he said that he could not trust me. I was really hurt, but then he called me one night and we started back talking and we had sex but of course he used protection then he stopped using it again. Does this mean that he really wants to be with me or is something else going on. Please help me to understand.
VictorM's advice:
I laughed at the end of your submission. It's not that I was making fun of you, it's just that it amuses when I see a woman trying to make a connection between a man's sexual behavior and his feelings.
All it means is he wants to fuck you, and he prefers to do so without a condom. And that's all it means. To know if something else is going on, you have to look for other signs.
By kee, 30, from richmond:
I was in a good relationship with this really great guy. The problem is that he used to call me every night,then he started calling maybe 3 times a week. We used to spend every weekend together, then he seemed to disappear and not call. So I started messing around with a guy who I used to like. We had sex and I also messed around with my current guy. I got caught up and I ended up with an STD and I had to tell my current guy. Well quite naturally he found out I had messed around because he was negative and I couldn't believe it because I used protection with the other guy and not him. Well, he broke up with me because he said that he could not trust me. I was really hurt, but then he called me one night and we started back talking and we had sex but of course he used protection then he stopped using it again. Does this mean that he really wants to be with me or is something else going on. Please help me to understand.
VictorM's advice:
I laughed at the end of your submission. It's not that I was making fun of you, it's just that it amuses when I see a woman trying to make a connection between a man's sexual behavior and his feelings.
All it means is he wants to fuck you, and he prefers to do so without a condom. And that's all it means. To know if something else is going on, you have to look for other signs.
How can I ask him for his phone number without seeming too pushy?
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Chris, 22, from Texas:
I’ve learned that love finds you in some of the oddest ways. My story has to be the most unusual one that you will hear. But before I get to that... I want you to keep in mind that I am a 22 year-old beautiful woman. Finding love closer to me has never been a problem... but I NEVER expected for something like this to happen. I’ve met this wonderful man through myspace around Christmas ‘07. He lives in California and I’m in Texas (I’ve been saving up for the past 3 months so I can move to California... this was my plan before I met him). We write each other every chance we get (we both lead busy lives). We would talk about friends... family... our jobs... and what we did for fun. We have common ground... but we have differences. He’s given me advice when I needed it and I know that I can trust him. He’s told me that he likes to read my messages and that I’m an interesting person and someone very special to him. He even has me as number 4 on his top friends list. Well... for the past four weeks... I’ve been getting “butterflies-in-my-stomach” when I see a new letter from him. Three weekends ago... we were on myspace at the same time so we IM-ed each other. During our conversation... I told him that I love to cuddle but I couldn’t find someone who felt the same. He told me “you found me” and I didn’t know how to take it so I left it alone. He wanted to make me soup ‘cause I was sick. We didn’t talk for very long... but before he left he said that he was going to cook for our date tomorrow. He said “let’s meet in our dreams” and said that he would be back on the next day. He sent me the hug and kiss emotion and then logged off. We did talk the next day... but not for very long. He was tired and wanted to sleep. He kept on telling me how bad he felt about leaving. I told him that I was fine by it and told him to catch up on his rest. He told me that he would talk to me later and I let him know that I looked forward to it. He left a smiley face with hearts in the eyes. Sent the kiss emotion and logged off. If we are not online at the same time... we end up writing letters to each other throughout the week. Well... I wrote him a really long letter. I told him about the passing of my grandmother and why it’s important to let the people around you know that you care. I sent him a really sweet and simple e-card as a thank you for helping me with the advice. He wrote me a short letter that started out with “Hello my love”... something that he never did before. In this letter he tells me that he liked the e-card and letter a lot. And then he says... “I just hope that you aren't too upset with me for not being on for such a while. I really haven't forgotten about you at all.” He ends the letter with “love” and his name. Like the “Hello my love”... saying “love” before his name never happened until this point. I know it sounds stupid... but I am really beginning to care for him. I just feel like there is something special between us. I don’t know what he feels for me and I am too nervous to flat out ask. I am usually not like this. I am the type of person who is not afraid of anything... I am NOT shy... and I usually speak my mind. I’ve tried to shake this... thinking that it might be an infatuation... but I can’t. This has never happened to me and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to ask him for his number... but I don’t know how. The words he wrote to me makes it seem like he’s interested in me. I know that he’s a shy around girls... but I want to know if he is interested. How can I get him interested in me? I want to ask him for his number... but I don’t want to scare him away. How can I ask him for his phone number without seeming too pushy? I REALLY want to talk to him other than through myspace and hear his voice. Please... help me.
VictorM's advice:
You really think that a guy who would be scared away by you asking for his phone number is worth a submission this long, not to mention the infatuation you display?
How do you ask him for his phone number? You don't have to. Simply say that chatting on myspace is fun but you'd like to hear his voice. If he doesn't offer to talk to you on the phone right away, you should be the one to run away scared!
By Chris, 22, from Texas:
I’ve learned that love finds you in some of the oddest ways. My story has to be the most unusual one that you will hear. But before I get to that... I want you to keep in mind that I am a 22 year-old beautiful woman. Finding love closer to me has never been a problem... but I NEVER expected for something like this to happen. I’ve met this wonderful man through myspace around Christmas ‘07. He lives in California and I’m in Texas (I’ve been saving up for the past 3 months so I can move to California... this was my plan before I met him). We write each other every chance we get (we both lead busy lives). We would talk about friends... family... our jobs... and what we did for fun. We have common ground... but we have differences. He’s given me advice when I needed it and I know that I can trust him. He’s told me that he likes to read my messages and that I’m an interesting person and someone very special to him. He even has me as number 4 on his top friends list. Well... for the past four weeks... I’ve been getting “butterflies-in-my-stomach” when I see a new letter from him. Three weekends ago... we were on myspace at the same time so we IM-ed each other. During our conversation... I told him that I love to cuddle but I couldn’t find someone who felt the same. He told me “you found me” and I didn’t know how to take it so I left it alone. He wanted to make me soup ‘cause I was sick. We didn’t talk for very long... but before he left he said that he was going to cook for our date tomorrow. He said “let’s meet in our dreams” and said that he would be back on the next day. He sent me the hug and kiss emotion and then logged off. We did talk the next day... but not for very long. He was tired and wanted to sleep. He kept on telling me how bad he felt about leaving. I told him that I was fine by it and told him to catch up on his rest. He told me that he would talk to me later and I let him know that I looked forward to it. He left a smiley face with hearts in the eyes. Sent the kiss emotion and logged off. If we are not online at the same time... we end up writing letters to each other throughout the week. Well... I wrote him a really long letter. I told him about the passing of my grandmother and why it’s important to let the people around you know that you care. I sent him a really sweet and simple e-card as a thank you for helping me with the advice. He wrote me a short letter that started out with “Hello my love”... something that he never did before. In this letter he tells me that he liked the e-card and letter a lot. And then he says... “I just hope that you aren't too upset with me for not being on for such a while. I really haven't forgotten about you at all.” He ends the letter with “love” and his name. Like the “Hello my love”... saying “love” before his name never happened until this point. I know it sounds stupid... but I am really beginning to care for him. I just feel like there is something special between us. I don’t know what he feels for me and I am too nervous to flat out ask. I am usually not like this. I am the type of person who is not afraid of anything... I am NOT shy... and I usually speak my mind. I’ve tried to shake this... thinking that it might be an infatuation... but I can’t. This has never happened to me and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to ask him for his number... but I don’t know how. The words he wrote to me makes it seem like he’s interested in me. I know that he’s a shy around girls... but I want to know if he is interested. How can I get him interested in me? I want to ask him for his number... but I don’t want to scare him away. How can I ask him for his phone number without seeming too pushy? I REALLY want to talk to him other than through myspace and hear his voice. Please... help me.
VictorM's advice:
You really think that a guy who would be scared away by you asking for his phone number is worth a submission this long, not to mention the infatuation you display?
How do you ask him for his phone number? You don't have to. Simply say that chatting on myspace is fun but you'd like to hear his voice. If he doesn't offer to talk to you on the phone right away, you should be the one to run away scared!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
We started to connect and then he freaked out
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By Erica, 26, from Arizona:
I have known this guy for 8 months. We started to connect and then he freaked out and said he didn't want to lead me on. In January of this year we started dating and as of now, one month later in February, he said he is unsure of his feelings (again). I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster with him. I have intense feelings for him but haven't shared them because I don't want to get hurt. A lot of people tell me to share them because he doesn't know unless I share them. My question is that why is he unsure of how he feels again when it's clear the chemistry is there and how we are around each other (hugging, kissing, not sleeping together) is very real?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know the real motivation for his doubts, but I see no point in you not sharing your feelings openly.
Let him know exactly how intense your feelings for him are. It will either give him reassurance or scare the hell out of him. Either way, you're bound to get a better result than the emotional roller coaster you're riding.
By Erica, 26, from Arizona:
I have known this guy for 8 months. We started to connect and then he freaked out and said he didn't want to lead me on. In January of this year we started dating and as of now, one month later in February, he said he is unsure of his feelings (again). I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster with him. I have intense feelings for him but haven't shared them because I don't want to get hurt. A lot of people tell me to share them because he doesn't know unless I share them. My question is that why is he unsure of how he feels again when it's clear the chemistry is there and how we are around each other (hugging, kissing, not sleeping together) is very real?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know the real motivation for his doubts, but I see no point in you not sharing your feelings openly.
Let him know exactly how intense your feelings for him are. It will either give him reassurance or scare the hell out of him. Either way, you're bound to get a better result than the emotional roller coaster you're riding.
He keeps inviting me over his house
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By j, 24, from dc:
I have been talking to a guy who is 32 for about 5 months and he said that he wants a friend but he asked me if I am thinking about him, he asked me what I wanted from him and keeps inviting me over his house and acts jealous when I tell him I am going out with friends. He also asked about sex. What do you think he wants?
VictorM's advice:
Sex.
By j, 24, from dc:
I have been talking to a guy who is 32 for about 5 months and he said that he wants a friend but he asked me if I am thinking about him, he asked me what I wanted from him and keeps inviting me over his house and acts jealous when I tell him I am going out with friends. He also asked about sex. What do you think he wants?
VictorM's advice:
Sex.
My complicated love story
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By frances, 32, from philippines:
Okay here goes my complicated love story.. I currently have a relationship with a man who is way older than me and I mean, he's about 20 years older than me.. We've been seeing each other for about 2 years now. He is a widower and has grown children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, his kids don't want him to re-marry anymore. I think the reason is because they are filthy rich. I have grown to love him over the years.
When I started working, I met someone. We've been seing each other for about a year now. We broke up then got back together again. And this guy has a girlfriend and a they have a kid together. They are living together and he goes home to them over the weekends.
We've been seeing each other only here in the office. We almost had sex but we engage in oral sex already. The problem is, I'm having feelings for him already. I don't know if he feels the same way I do. I'm not expecting that he'll leave his girlfriend and kid for me. I'm afraid to ask him about it the real score between us. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're a glutton for punishment, or maybe you really don't want a serious relationship, hence your attraction to guys you can't keep.
You're afraid to ask him because you already know the real score: you're just an office fling to him.
By frances, 32, from philippines:
Okay here goes my complicated love story.. I currently have a relationship with a man who is way older than me and I mean, he's about 20 years older than me.. We've been seeing each other for about 2 years now. He is a widower and has grown children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, his kids don't want him to re-marry anymore. I think the reason is because they are filthy rich. I have grown to love him over the years.
When I started working, I met someone. We've been seing each other for about a year now. We broke up then got back together again. And this guy has a girlfriend and a they have a kid together. They are living together and he goes home to them over the weekends.
We've been seeing each other only here in the office. We almost had sex but we engage in oral sex already. The problem is, I'm having feelings for him already. I don't know if he feels the same way I do. I'm not expecting that he'll leave his girlfriend and kid for me. I'm afraid to ask him about it the real score between us. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're a glutton for punishment, or maybe you really don't want a serious relationship, hence your attraction to guys you can't keep.
You're afraid to ask him because you already know the real score: you're just an office fling to him.
He slipped me his number
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By zared, 15, from yorktown:
I went to a party on Halloween. My friend introduced me to this guy and we hit it off. We were making out and everything and before I left he slipped me his number so I called him that night and he asked me to be his girlfriend so I said ok. Well, we were off and on and a few weeks ago. We finally decided that we were going to have sex but we never did because my sister got my phone and started to text him and I have no idea what she said. Then he told me I was annoying and now wants nothing to do with me. So my question is how do I get him back?
VictorM's advice:
Your story sounds a bit fishy because your phone should keep the text messages that she sent. It would be very easy to read them and know what they said. But anyway, I'll play along...
Did you tell him you weren't the one who sent the annoying messages? If you did and he still won't talk to you then I'd say he's using it as just an excuse to breakup with you.
Instead of waisting energy trying to getting him back, wait for the next party and you'll meet some other guy who will be into you for a few days/weeks if you make out with him at the party.
I went to a party on Halloween. My friend introduced me to this guy and we hit it off. We were making out and everything and before I left he slipped me his number so I called him that night and he asked me to be his girlfriend so I said ok. Well, we were off and on and a few weeks ago. We finally decided that we were going to have sex but we never did because my sister got my phone and started to text him and I have no idea what she said. Then he told me I was annoying and now wants nothing to do with me. So my question is how do I get him back?
VictorM's advice:
Your story sounds a bit fishy because your phone should keep the text messages that she sent. It would be very easy to read them and know what they said. But anyway, I'll play along...
Did you tell him you weren't the one who sent the annoying messages? If you did and he still won't talk to you then I'd say he's using it as just an excuse to breakup with you.
Instead of waisting energy trying to getting him back, wait for the next party and you'll meet some other guy who will be into you for a few days/weeks if you make out with him at the party.
Friday, February 22, 2008
NOTICE: Follow-up questions/comments
Up until now, if someone had a follow-up question or comment, I posted those as separate entries. From now on, I'm going to ask that if you have a follow-up question or comment, please use the VISITOR COMMENT section below your initial question instead of a new submission. This way, we get better continuity because it's easier to reference the original question and answer.
If you submit your follow-up via the submit form, I'll copy and paste it into the VISITOR COMMENT under the original question. I have already done this for three people: Brittany, Shannon, and Monica.
Thanks.
If you submit your follow-up via the submit form, I'll copy and paste it into the VISITOR COMMENT under the original question. I have already done this for three people: Brittany, Shannon, and Monica.
Thanks.
We almost did the deed for the first time
Submitted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008
By Nicki, 21, from Texas:
I have been talking to this guy for like a year already, and the other night we almost did the deed for the first time. He got up like twice so nothing got to happen. He started acting strange. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. The next day came and I tried to call him and he didn't answer. When I finally talk to him I asked him to go out and he said not tonight. I feel like he is avoiding me and I'm scared. I want to ask him if he thinks that we will ever move to the next step and be in a relationship. Twice he has gotten jealous, but he does not act like my boyfriend. Should I ask him the question and just get it over and done with it? Or should I just wait and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
You say you have been talking for a year. That doesn't sound like you were boyfriend/girlfriend. And you also say that he doesn't act like your boyfriend. So I'm going to assume you have a fairly passive relationship at best.
With that in mind, I can think of two distinctive possibilities: One, he was nervous about having sex with you (maybe he's inexperienced?) and since you came so close to sex that one night he's avoiding you because he's not ready for sex; or two, he saw the almost sex situation as being too close to the start of a relationship and he doesn't want that.
What's the point of asking where you're headed when it doesn't appear you are anywhere yet? Besides, asking that question sets the guy up either to lie or run for the hills. You don't have to ask. Whether it's the fear of sex or of commitment, if he doesn't seek you, you get a more truthful answer.
By Nicki, 21, from Texas:
I have been talking to this guy for like a year already, and the other night we almost did the deed for the first time. He got up like twice so nothing got to happen. He started acting strange. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. The next day came and I tried to call him and he didn't answer. When I finally talk to him I asked him to go out and he said not tonight. I feel like he is avoiding me and I'm scared. I want to ask him if he thinks that we will ever move to the next step and be in a relationship. Twice he has gotten jealous, but he does not act like my boyfriend. Should I ask him the question and just get it over and done with it? Or should I just wait and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
You say you have been talking for a year. That doesn't sound like you were boyfriend/girlfriend. And you also say that he doesn't act like your boyfriend. So I'm going to assume you have a fairly passive relationship at best.
With that in mind, I can think of two distinctive possibilities: One, he was nervous about having sex with you (maybe he's inexperienced?) and since you came so close to sex that one night he's avoiding you because he's not ready for sex; or two, he saw the almost sex situation as being too close to the start of a relationship and he doesn't want that.
What's the point of asking where you're headed when it doesn't appear you are anywhere yet? Besides, asking that question sets the guy up either to lie or run for the hills. You don't have to ask. Whether it's the fear of sex or of commitment, if he doesn't seek you, you get a more truthful answer.
He is just happy seeing me two days a week
Submitted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008
By Ariadna, 30, from los angeles:
I have been dating this guy who seems more eager to spend time with his couch than with me. I have talked to him about it but his answer is that he is just happy seeing me two days a week for an hour or so. I am not sure he cares for me because in my opinion if he did care he will make an effort to spend more time with me. What do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't blame you. Two hours a week is nothing. You can't develop a steady relationship on that. But hey, at least the guy was straight with you.
You should look for some other guy who is more in sync with you and shares a desire to spent more time together.
Must be some fine couch he got there. :)
By Ariadna, 30, from los angeles:
I have been dating this guy who seems more eager to spend time with his couch than with me. I have talked to him about it but his answer is that he is just happy seeing me two days a week for an hour or so. I am not sure he cares for me because in my opinion if he did care he will make an effort to spend more time with me. What do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't blame you. Two hours a week is nothing. You can't develop a steady relationship on that. But hey, at least the guy was straight with you.
You should look for some other guy who is more in sync with you and shares a desire to spent more time together.
Must be some fine couch he got there. :)
Now that the sex happened I really like him
Submitted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008
By Anonymous D, 19, from Mo-town:
I have been in college since August and met this boy. Me and him have been talking since. I found out in October he had a girlfriend and another chick on the side besides me. So I stopped talking to him for like a month. Then his boy who is like a brother to me told me that he thinks he has changed and I should give him another chance. I do and a month later we had sex (we started going out). Then his old girl on the side moves down here and he kind of stops talking to me. We talk sometimes and we both say we're trying to stop liking each other. Well I really like him and I know he likes me too, he just says I'm crazy and he doesn't have time for that. So what do I do, try to make it official again to see what happens? Leave him alone or what? Because now that the sex happened I really like him.
VictorM's advice:
What part of you're crazy and he doesn't have time for that didn't you understand?
I don't think that making it official is up to you. He has the other girl and he thinks you're crazy. I think you're shit out of luck.
By Anonymous D, 19, from Mo-town:
I have been in college since August and met this boy. Me and him have been talking since. I found out in October he had a girlfriend and another chick on the side besides me. So I stopped talking to him for like a month. Then his boy who is like a brother to me told me that he thinks he has changed and I should give him another chance. I do and a month later we had sex (we started going out). Then his old girl on the side moves down here and he kind of stops talking to me. We talk sometimes and we both say we're trying to stop liking each other. Well I really like him and I know he likes me too, he just says I'm crazy and he doesn't have time for that. So what do I do, try to make it official again to see what happens? Leave him alone or what? Because now that the sex happened I really like him.
VictorM's advice:
What part of you're crazy and he doesn't have time for that didn't you understand?
I don't think that making it official is up to you. He has the other girl and he thinks you're crazy. I think you're shit out of luck.
Things have moved rather fast
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
I've been dating a guy for a month now. Things have moved rather fast, and we are spending a lot of time together. We have agreed to be exclusive, and have both agreed that at this point in our lives we are looking for a serious relationship (marriage eventually). The problem is, we have had sex three times, and there seems to be a bit of a problem with "erectile dysfunction". To put it bluntly, he has lost it twice during the act. I've never encountered this problem before, and I'm not sure how to deal with it?? I don't think it is a medical problem, so I can't help but feel that it is personal...but, he seems attracted to me and interested in sex. There has been one "successful" encounter. I guess I have multiple questions, do I take this personally, is this abnormal, what can I do about this? Otherwise, everything seems really good.
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you must do is not take it personally. His ED has nothing to do with you. It's either a physical or emotional problem that has nothing to do with you.
Some guys require having sex with the same partner several before they can fire on all cylinders. Sometimes it's hit and miss, but in these cases, once a guy feels safe and confident, all will be fine after a while. You could just give it a few more times and see how it goes. Meanwhile, be understanding without making a big fuss about it.
Alcohol can be an issue. If the pattern is related to the amount of drinking involved, get him used to drinking water. Drugs could also be a problem. In addition, there could be other factors, such as stress, worry, and anxiety, that affect him sometimes. Make sure the environment is to his liking and that he's comfortable in with the setting.
If the problem persists, a visit to a sex therapist or a doctor is in order. You really don't know if there's a medical problem or not. With drugs such as Viagra, Cialis and others, this doesn't have to be an issue, so don't allow this to blow out of proportion.
But in any case, it's not you. If a guy gets excited enough to want to be with you, anything after that is not you. And blaming yourself, believe it or not, just adds to his stress, so don't do it.
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
I've been dating a guy for a month now. Things have moved rather fast, and we are spending a lot of time together. We have agreed to be exclusive, and have both agreed that at this point in our lives we are looking for a serious relationship (marriage eventually). The problem is, we have had sex three times, and there seems to be a bit of a problem with "erectile dysfunction". To put it bluntly, he has lost it twice during the act. I've never encountered this problem before, and I'm not sure how to deal with it?? I don't think it is a medical problem, so I can't help but feel that it is personal...but, he seems attracted to me and interested in sex. There has been one "successful" encounter. I guess I have multiple questions, do I take this personally, is this abnormal, what can I do about this? Otherwise, everything seems really good.
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you must do is not take it personally. His ED has nothing to do with you. It's either a physical or emotional problem that has nothing to do with you.
Some guys require having sex with the same partner several before they can fire on all cylinders. Sometimes it's hit and miss, but in these cases, once a guy feels safe and confident, all will be fine after a while. You could just give it a few more times and see how it goes. Meanwhile, be understanding without making a big fuss about it.
Alcohol can be an issue. If the pattern is related to the amount of drinking involved, get him used to drinking water. Drugs could also be a problem. In addition, there could be other factors, such as stress, worry, and anxiety, that affect him sometimes. Make sure the environment is to his liking and that he's comfortable in with the setting.
If the problem persists, a visit to a sex therapist or a doctor is in order. You really don't know if there's a medical problem or not. With drugs such as Viagra, Cialis and others, this doesn't have to be an issue, so don't allow this to blow out of proportion.
But in any case, it's not you. If a guy gets excited enough to want to be with you, anything after that is not you. And blaming yourself, believe it or not, just adds to his stress, so don't do it.
How do you get an ex boyfriend back?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Still heart broken, 23, from New York:
How do you get an ex boyfriend back if he broke up with you? And if he's seeing someone else? If you feel in your heart it's not over, how do you get them back? And, what do you do if you've already done the initial panic reaction to a rather far extent when they first broke up with you? Such as constant texting and promising to change, etc. Is there hope?
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no hope. He's gone for good. Forever!
But on the bright side, trust me: the worst is over. As time goes by, it gets easier day by day. It's not to say that you won't have bad days ahead, but the pain will lessen.
You can help yourself by 1) accepting that he's gone forever, and 2) by helping yourself get a new start. Buy new clothes, change your hairstyle, make new friends, go to new places, avoid the places that remind you of him, get rid of memorabilia associated with him, and lastly, give yourself some time and you'll see that things will get easier.
By Still heart broken, 23, from New York:
How do you get an ex boyfriend back if he broke up with you? And if he's seeing someone else? If you feel in your heart it's not over, how do you get them back? And, what do you do if you've already done the initial panic reaction to a rather far extent when they first broke up with you? Such as constant texting and promising to change, etc. Is there hope?
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no hope. He's gone for good. Forever!
But on the bright side, trust me: the worst is over. As time goes by, it gets easier day by day. It's not to say that you won't have bad days ahead, but the pain will lessen.
You can help yourself by 1) accepting that he's gone forever, and 2) by helping yourself get a new start. Buy new clothes, change your hairstyle, make new friends, go to new places, avoid the places that remind you of him, get rid of memorabilia associated with him, and lastly, give yourself some time and you'll see that things will get easier.
I ended up staying at his place
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Lis, 23, from UK:
I met a guy at university, we are both post graduates. After going out together a few times for drinks I ended up staying at his place, nothing happened and we spent a few nights together like this... then it went further and shortly after we went away together for a week...during which he decided to call it off as he didn't feel ready for a relationship. He explained his ex girlfriend was on his mind as he had had a very rough time with her (she was depressed and had quite a few mental health problems which he went through with her) this was 18 months previous to our getting together, he told me what he went through with his ex had affected him more than he knew and was going to make an appointment with his GP to talk it over. Since then he has been away on research trips almost constantly. We met for lunch last week but it was very rushed as he had to see his supervisor and had arrived late. Anyway, upon my dropping him off he said he would call me when he got back from his next research trip. He has sent me an sms since then in reply to mine but he is still away and that is the only contact I've had with him. What I want to know is whether I should just give him space and let him come to me or whether I should keep in touch but keep it friendly and light hearted - afterall we have the rest of our lives to work it out! Would appreciate any imput from a someone who understands guys... he's older than me by 6 years but not particularly mature...and the more I don't hear from him the more bitter I get and the less able to be nice to him I find it! I haven't shown this to him yet but I haven't been as friendly/flirty as it was at the start either! please help!
VictorM's advice:
In this respect, a guy likes two things: 1) for the girl to not come across as needy or overbearing; 2) to know that she's into him. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to walk the fine line between both. Is it worth it? Only you can say. But remember the old adage: out of sight, out of mind.
I met a guy at university, we are both post graduates. After going out together a few times for drinks I ended up staying at his place, nothing happened and we spent a few nights together like this... then it went further and shortly after we went away together for a week...during which he decided to call it off as he didn't feel ready for a relationship. He explained his ex girlfriend was on his mind as he had had a very rough time with her (she was depressed and had quite a few mental health problems which he went through with her) this was 18 months previous to our getting together, he told me what he went through with his ex had affected him more than he knew and was going to make an appointment with his GP to talk it over. Since then he has been away on research trips almost constantly. We met for lunch last week but it was very rushed as he had to see his supervisor and had arrived late. Anyway, upon my dropping him off he said he would call me when he got back from his next research trip. He has sent me an sms since then in reply to mine but he is still away and that is the only contact I've had with him. What I want to know is whether I should just give him space and let him come to me or whether I should keep in touch but keep it friendly and light hearted - afterall we have the rest of our lives to work it out! Would appreciate any imput from a someone who understands guys... he's older than me by 6 years but not particularly mature...and the more I don't hear from him the more bitter I get and the less able to be nice to him I find it! I haven't shown this to him yet but I haven't been as friendly/flirty as it was at the start either! please help!
VictorM's advice:
In this respect, a guy likes two things: 1) for the girl to not come across as needy or overbearing; 2) to know that she's into him. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to walk the fine line between both. Is it worth it? Only you can say. But remember the old adage: out of sight, out of mind.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I am 15 and I like someone who is 20
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By jessica, 15, from united states:
I am 15 and I like someone who is 20. We both have feelings for each other but because of the age difference we have to wait until I am 18. He said that when I am 18 if I still have feelings for him than we should make the relationship serious. But I'm worried that when the time comes he will have found someone new. Is it wrong for us to like each other? And should we wait? I mean age is just a number so cant we just try to make it work now?
VictorM's advice:
The age difference by itself isn't the issue -- 5 years is not much; it's your present ages that complicate things. He's about to turn 21 and be free drink, and to go to bars and clubs that you can't go. You'd either be slowing him down, or you'd be left alone. Chances are that you have curfews and he doesn't, neither do girls around his age. And you'd be hanging around with a different set of friends with different interests.
But I think the major reason, as far as he's concerned is this: his interest in you may be sexual, hence his preference to wait till you're 18. What I'm saying is that his interest in you may not be as noble as you think it is.
By jessica, 15, from united states:
I am 15 and I like someone who is 20. We both have feelings for each other but because of the age difference we have to wait until I am 18. He said that when I am 18 if I still have feelings for him than we should make the relationship serious. But I'm worried that when the time comes he will have found someone new. Is it wrong for us to like each other? And should we wait? I mean age is just a number so cant we just try to make it work now?
VictorM's advice:
The age difference by itself isn't the issue -- 5 years is not much; it's your present ages that complicate things. He's about to turn 21 and be free drink, and to go to bars and clubs that you can't go. You'd either be slowing him down, or you'd be left alone. Chances are that you have curfews and he doesn't, neither do girls around his age. And you'd be hanging around with a different set of friends with different interests.
But I think the major reason, as far as he's concerned is this: his interest in you may be sexual, hence his preference to wait till you're 18. What I'm saying is that his interest in you may not be as noble as you think it is.
Super blow job girl is back
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Greetings! It's me again. :) So, here's the situation so far with the guy I had mentioned earlier:
- I found out he's been recently divorced (Nov. was when he finalized the divorce). I don't know any details about the divorce. I would rather not ask at the moment and just let our dynamic unfold.
- We've been seeing each other at least once a week for about a month and a half. Each time has been him coming along with me and my friends. He tried getting me to hang with him and his friends once, but I had other plans.
- We chit-chat a lot via texts (remember, I don't like gabbing on the phone much). It's kind of a daily thing.
- Ever since our first date, there hasn't been any overtly sexual contact between us. We kiss and hug, but nothing TOO steamy.
- I've told him straight out that I just want to keep our relationship "chill;" told him he's the only guy I'm 'dating' at the moment but if someone else should come along, he should understand that I want to keep the lines open, since I know he's going through the emotional aspect of getting over the divorce.
- He's always the first to text me, ask what I'm doing, ask if I'm going out. But he has yet to ask me on another one-on-one date.
So, what do you think so far? Is there something I should or shouldn't be doing? I really want to take it slow with this guy, both physically and emotionally. I've never had to deal with a recently divorced guy, so any help would be appreciated. Thanks! :)
VictorM's advice:
Don't get me wrong, Griz, I like hearing from you, but why do you ask me anything when you are doing so well by yourself? I'm afraid to say anything and screw things. Just stay the course.
Greetings! It's me again. :) So, here's the situation so far with the guy I had mentioned earlier:
- I found out he's been recently divorced (Nov. was when he finalized the divorce). I don't know any details about the divorce. I would rather not ask at the moment and just let our dynamic unfold.
- We've been seeing each other at least once a week for about a month and a half. Each time has been him coming along with me and my friends. He tried getting me to hang with him and his friends once, but I had other plans.
- We chit-chat a lot via texts (remember, I don't like gabbing on the phone much). It's kind of a daily thing.
- Ever since our first date, there hasn't been any overtly sexual contact between us. We kiss and hug, but nothing TOO steamy.
- I've told him straight out that I just want to keep our relationship "chill;" told him he's the only guy I'm 'dating' at the moment but if someone else should come along, he should understand that I want to keep the lines open, since I know he's going through the emotional aspect of getting over the divorce.
- He's always the first to text me, ask what I'm doing, ask if I'm going out. But he has yet to ask me on another one-on-one date.
So, what do you think so far? Is there something I should or shouldn't be doing? I really want to take it slow with this guy, both physically and emotionally. I've never had to deal with a recently divorced guy, so any help would be appreciated. Thanks! :)
VictorM's advice:
Don't get me wrong, Griz, I like hearing from you, but why do you ask me anything when you are doing so well by yourself? I'm afraid to say anything and screw things. Just stay the course.
He has met another girl
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Cordelia, 30, from Berlin:
I started seeing a guy who lives in another country. It's a long distance relationship. He comes to visit quite a lot for work purposes. A few weeks ago he said that he has met another girl. We met last week and picked up our relationship again for the few days he was here. However, he told me that he wants to pursue the thing with the other girl. The problem is that I already booked my flight to go and see him and I am quite heartbroken. I was supposed to stay with him for 9 days. Now I don't think I can stay with him. The flight was expensive as well. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, that sucks! Yeah, you can't stay with him.
If this is a place you've always wanted to see, go and stay at a hotel. Maybe a friend can come along to keep you company.
Is there a way you can get a refund? If not, is there a way you can transfer to visit another place?
By Cordelia, 30, from Berlin:
I started seeing a guy who lives in another country. It's a long distance relationship. He comes to visit quite a lot for work purposes. A few weeks ago he said that he has met another girl. We met last week and picked up our relationship again for the few days he was here. However, he told me that he wants to pursue the thing with the other girl. The problem is that I already booked my flight to go and see him and I am quite heartbroken. I was supposed to stay with him for 9 days. Now I don't think I can stay with him. The flight was expensive as well. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, that sucks! Yeah, you can't stay with him.
If this is a place you've always wanted to see, go and stay at a hotel. Maybe a friend can come along to keep you company.
Is there a way you can get a refund? If not, is there a way you can transfer to visit another place?
Confidential to K, part 2
Yeah, I think he should sit down with you and explain what's going on. His failure to do so is more attributable to immaturity than disrespect, I think. Either way, you have a legitimate beef with him, but as a good friend, you also have an obligation to be understanding and cut him a break. This is all new to him and he's just trying to be the best boyfriend he can be.
Don't believe him when he says she's not the reason. It's not that he means to lie to you; he just doesn't want her to come across as the "bad guy."
Don't believe him when he says she's not the reason. It's not that he means to lie to you; he just doesn't want her to come across as the "bad guy."
I'm obsessed and I hate that, part 2
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By Monica:
In response to I feel like "I'm obsessed and I hate that." It's me again....the next day (After the text i sent him) he ended up calling me and asking if I had Monday (today) off from work. I did and he asked me out. So we hung out today (about 5 hours together....) and it wound up being an AWESOME date. So....I'm going to try and control myself and see how things continue. I still noticed some of my paranoia...but tried to control it...Like he was teasing me and saying things about me to his friend that we ran into...So on IM with that friend later...I was like "I can never tell if he's joking when he says stuff like that (like that I'm annoying) or if he's just joking." His friend IM'd me back saying, "No, believe me...he's just playing around and trying to see if he can get a reaction from you. He doesn't mean anything by it, he thinks he's being funny...He doesn't realize that you take it seriously...he thinks you can tell its just in fun. Think about it...he wouldn't keep hanging out with you and asking you out if he really thought you were annoying, would he?" But if he likes me, why hasn't he taken our friendship to another level? He flirts and stuff....and does things like spank my butt if I pass him, but he doesn't make an official move...like go in for a kiss...At the end of each date, he walks me to the door, we talk about how much fun the date was....theres usually a brief awkward pause like we're unsure what to do, and then it ends with a hug, and an "We'll meet up again real soon, ok? I'll talk to you tomorrow." I would really like to be more than friends with him, but don't know how to initiate it or if he feels the same. He HAS mentioned that he thinks he would be better able to get into a relationship after he graduates in May. (not specifically with me, we were just talking about dating in general) What's your take?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys absolutely love this phase of courting a girl. Living in the "will she, won't she" doubt adds spark and fun to the seduction process. He doesn't ask you to the next level because this level is a lot of fun and more relaxing than being in a relationship.
This approach makes more sense to most guys. That is, the guy gets to know the girl without feeling tied down or committed. And if things stop being fun, it's much easier for the guy to extricate himself without all the drama of a break-up.
You might feel like he's not serious about you, but trust me, he's measuring you up just the same as if you were in a relationship, but this way it's less stressful.
And in your case, he has enough to worry about. You really need to find a way to relax.
By Monica:
In response to I feel like "I'm obsessed and I hate that." It's me again....the next day (After the text i sent him) he ended up calling me and asking if I had Monday (today) off from work. I did and he asked me out. So we hung out today (about 5 hours together....) and it wound up being an AWESOME date. So....I'm going to try and control myself and see how things continue. I still noticed some of my paranoia...but tried to control it...Like he was teasing me and saying things about me to his friend that we ran into...So on IM with that friend later...I was like "I can never tell if he's joking when he says stuff like that (like that I'm annoying) or if he's just joking." His friend IM'd me back saying, "No, believe me...he's just playing around and trying to see if he can get a reaction from you. He doesn't mean anything by it, he thinks he's being funny...He doesn't realize that you take it seriously...he thinks you can tell its just in fun. Think about it...he wouldn't keep hanging out with you and asking you out if he really thought you were annoying, would he?" But if he likes me, why hasn't he taken our friendship to another level? He flirts and stuff....and does things like spank my butt if I pass him, but he doesn't make an official move...like go in for a kiss...At the end of each date, he walks me to the door, we talk about how much fun the date was....theres usually a brief awkward pause like we're unsure what to do, and then it ends with a hug, and an "We'll meet up again real soon, ok? I'll talk to you tomorrow." I would really like to be more than friends with him, but don't know how to initiate it or if he feels the same. He HAS mentioned that he thinks he would be better able to get into a relationship after he graduates in May. (not specifically with me, we were just talking about dating in general) What's your take?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys absolutely love this phase of courting a girl. Living in the "will she, won't she" doubt adds spark and fun to the seduction process. He doesn't ask you to the next level because this level is a lot of fun and more relaxing than being in a relationship.
This approach makes more sense to most guys. That is, the guy gets to know the girl without feeling tied down or committed. And if things stop being fun, it's much easier for the guy to extricate himself without all the drama of a break-up.
You might feel like he's not serious about you, but trust me, he's measuring you up just the same as if you were in a relationship, but this way it's less stressful.
And in your case, he has enough to worry about. You really need to find a way to relax.
This guy simply won't talk to me
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By Rebecca, 31, from Missouri:
I have a guy that I've been interested in for sometime. He's going through a divorce and this guy simply won't talk to me. He talks to my friend all the time ABOUT me but wont' talk to me. What's up? I've read "He's just not that into you!" but nothing like this ever came up. It's been like forever and a day.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what's up but if he doesn't talk to you it's entirely possible he simply doesn't like you.
Shocking, I know!
By Rebecca, 31, from Missouri:
I have a guy that I've been interested in for sometime. He's going through a divorce and this guy simply won't talk to me. He talks to my friend all the time ABOUT me but wont' talk to me. What's up? I've read "He's just not that into you!" but nothing like this ever came up. It's been like forever and a day.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what's up but if he doesn't talk to you it's entirely possible he simply doesn't like you.
Shocking, I know!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
We kept talking and ended up having cyber sex
Submitted on Sunday, February 17, 2008
By danni, 19, from melbourne:
I have been flirting with this guy on msn for like 1 year and met him a couple of times but as friends. He's in another country but we kept talking and ended up having cyber sex and getting really close but it seems like he doesn't want to commit. He likes me but has major ex baggage so I finally told him I like him and he said: "I like you more than a friend less than a lover" and he still maintains his friendship with me and wants to meet up when we are in the same place but he has gotten distant. What did he mean by what he said, is he into me? I also said I'm gonna move away from this and he said not to, to wait and see where it leads.
VictorM's advice:
Come on, you only chat online and met a couple times. Why expect him to want to commit or declare that he's in love? His answers make sense. You're the one putting the cart ahead of the horse and trying to turn an online acquaintance into some sort of serious relationship.
If and when you ever wind up in the same place, then look into developing something more serious with him. For now, and since this guy is virtual, keep it a fun fantasy but don't let it stop you from meeting guys that you can touch, taste, and smell.
By danni, 19, from melbourne:
I have been flirting with this guy on msn for like 1 year and met him a couple of times but as friends. He's in another country but we kept talking and ended up having cyber sex and getting really close but it seems like he doesn't want to commit. He likes me but has major ex baggage so I finally told him I like him and he said: "I like you more than a friend less than a lover" and he still maintains his friendship with me and wants to meet up when we are in the same place but he has gotten distant. What did he mean by what he said, is he into me? I also said I'm gonna move away from this and he said not to, to wait and see where it leads.
VictorM's advice:
Come on, you only chat online and met a couple times. Why expect him to want to commit or declare that he's in love? His answers make sense. You're the one putting the cart ahead of the horse and trying to turn an online acquaintance into some sort of serious relationship.
If and when you ever wind up in the same place, then look into developing something more serious with him. For now, and since this guy is virtual, keep it a fun fantasy but don't let it stop you from meeting guys that you can touch, taste, and smell.
He doesn't care about me
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By Anon, 22, from South africa:
My boyfriend says he loves me but now he just doesn't show it. He doesn't care about me. I feel he is not into me. What can I do to improve our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Improving a relationship is something that both people need to work on together. You say he doesn't care about you and is not into you, but I have no idea what complaints he has about you. What I know is that there's no magic potion. If only one partner wants to address the problems but the other one doesn't, nothing gets fixed.
But if you're right and he lost interest, you're better off letting him go. Why try to hold on to a guy who's not into you and doesn't care about you?
By Anon, 22, from South africa:
My boyfriend says he loves me but now he just doesn't show it. He doesn't care about me. I feel he is not into me. What can I do to improve our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Improving a relationship is something that both people need to work on together. You say he doesn't care about you and is not into you, but I have no idea what complaints he has about you. What I know is that there's no magic potion. If only one partner wants to address the problems but the other one doesn't, nothing gets fixed.
But if you're right and he lost interest, you're better off letting him go. Why try to hold on to a guy who's not into you and doesn't care about you?
He is a man of few words
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By shelby, 21, from California:
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months and I am without a doubt in love with him. I get the feeling that he feels the same way, and several friends have said that the way he acts around me also lends itself to that fact. Am I doing the right thing by waiting to let him say "I love you" first? Someone suggested I should break it, because he is a man of few words... However, I care about him more than anything and want him to take his time. Is this the right way to go? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
A man of few words? Come on. "Love you" is only 2. I'm sure he can manage those when he's good and ready.
Some guys are absolutely determined to only use those words when they are 100% sure they mean them, which is better than to use those words with the same frequency as "hello."
But... if saying the words is something you're really ready for and if you don't say them the terrorists win, then go ahead and say them. Going out for 6 months surely entitles you to express how you feel. Just don't freak out if he's not ready to say them back to you.
By shelby, 21, from California:
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months and I am without a doubt in love with him. I get the feeling that he feels the same way, and several friends have said that the way he acts around me also lends itself to that fact. Am I doing the right thing by waiting to let him say "I love you" first? Someone suggested I should break it, because he is a man of few words... However, I care about him more than anything and want him to take his time. Is this the right way to go? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
A man of few words? Come on. "Love you" is only 2. I'm sure he can manage those when he's good and ready.
Some guys are absolutely determined to only use those words when they are 100% sure they mean them, which is better than to use those words with the same frequency as "hello."
But... if saying the words is something you're really ready for and if you don't say them the terrorists win, then go ahead and say them. Going out for 6 months surely entitles you to express how you feel. Just don't freak out if he's not ready to say them back to you.
What can I do to show him I'm mature?
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By Sarah, 18, from England:
There's an age gap between the guy I'm sortof seeing; he's 25, I'm 18. He plays hot and cold, I haven't slept with him yet purely for the reason that I'm not going to be easy. He's had so much experience. Do guys take younger girls seriously? Because I haven't slept with him, is that why he's backing off? And what can I do to show him I'm mature and actually really like him!
VictorM's advice:
You are showing him you're mature by not being easy.
25 and 18 really isn't much of a difference. And in terms of maturity, I wouldn't be surprised if you're more mature than him anyway.
There are many ways to show you like him that doesn't involve sex. If he can't understand that, you're sorta seeing an idiot.
By Sarah, 18, from England:
There's an age gap between the guy I'm sortof seeing; he's 25, I'm 18. He plays hot and cold, I haven't slept with him yet purely for the reason that I'm not going to be easy. He's had so much experience. Do guys take younger girls seriously? Because I haven't slept with him, is that why he's backing off? And what can I do to show him I'm mature and actually really like him!
VictorM's advice:
You are showing him you're mature by not being easy.
25 and 18 really isn't much of a difference. And in terms of maturity, I wouldn't be surprised if you're more mature than him anyway.
There are many ways to show you like him that doesn't involve sex. If he can't understand that, you're sorta seeing an idiot.
A strong connection building up
Submitted on Sunday, February 17, 2008
By Shanon, from Out and about:
I really like this guy who I met through a friend of mine. We started contacting each other through mail and phone calls. He doesn't live close to me so we try to talk at least once a day. The thing is that I feel like there is a strong connection building up. I am starting to really like this guy and feel sincere feelings. I want to know what he likes in a girl or if he likes me or wants to get any relationship going. What do I do? Ask him or just let our convo's keep going. Help! (And anything else that may help this area of conversation)
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him anything yet.
Of course he likes you; you talk everyday. A guy doesn't do that unless he likes the girl. But guys take longer getting up the ramp of relationships than girls do. So slow down and enjoy the talking.
Long distance relationships are hard to sustain, more so for the guy. That's because guys are more physical then girls. So don't go expecting too much to come out of this.
By Shanon, from Out and about:
I really like this guy who I met through a friend of mine. We started contacting each other through mail and phone calls. He doesn't live close to me so we try to talk at least once a day. The thing is that I feel like there is a strong connection building up. I am starting to really like this guy and feel sincere feelings. I want to know what he likes in a girl or if he likes me or wants to get any relationship going. What do I do? Ask him or just let our convo's keep going. Help! (And anything else that may help this area of conversation)
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him anything yet.
Of course he likes you; you talk everyday. A guy doesn't do that unless he likes the girl. But guys take longer getting up the ramp of relationships than girls do. So slow down and enjoy the talking.
Long distance relationships are hard to sustain, more so for the guy. That's because guys are more physical then girls. So don't go expecting too much to come out of this.
Why do guys dwell on their fiance's past
Submitted on Sunday, February 17, 2008
By Michelle, 21, from Sacramento:
Why do guys dwell on their fiance's past when things have gotten so much better in the present? Also, why would he be interested in dating a different girl to see if there is a possibility with her when he's already engaged?
VictorM's advice:
He's getting cold-feet and looking for reasons to get out of the engagement.
By Michelle, 21, from Sacramento:
Why do guys dwell on their fiance's past when things have gotten so much better in the present? Also, why would he be interested in dating a different girl to see if there is a possibility with her when he's already engaged?
VictorM's advice:
He's getting cold-feet and looking for reasons to get out of the engagement.
Monday, February 18, 2008
I feel like I'm obsessed and I hate that
Submitted on Saturday, February 16, 2008
By Monica, from Ohio:
I have this guy friend I am really close to. We hang out one on one about 2 or 3 times a month, but usually I am the one to suggest going out. He has only been busy once or twice in the 7 months that we have been hanging out. The problem is I feel really easily rejected and because I like him as more than a friend I overanalyze everything he does. Like a few times this week, I logged onto Instant Message and when I did, he either logged off or switched his status to idle. (Each happened once this week) And he doesn't respond to my text messages unless he has to which pisses me off. And when this type of thing happens, I get insecure and show it which I end up regretting later. Like today he sent me a short message on IM while I was logged OFF asking how a concert had gone last night. I responded and he didnt say anything so either he wasnt at his computer at the moment or he was ignoring me. About an hour later he logged off without saying anything to me even though, I was still logged on. I sent him a message on facebook saying "Do you think I don't notice that lately whenever I get on IM you either log off or switch to idle? I DO notice and I think that it's rude." Then I feel like a bitch later for doing it because maybe he was just busy or something. He even texted me back saying "Noo, listen. my connection sucks. When i get an IM or someone signs on I get booted. And i was at the gym when you called. U imagine 2 much!" And then i feel stupid because I KNOW he's right and that I overreacted. Plus just yesterday he had contacted me twice on facebook and stuff..so it's not like he's been ignoring me at all. How can a girl be friends with a guy if she has feelings for him? Is it worth it? Because even though we have the best time when we hang out, it makes me insecure that he doesn't feel the same way and then I get all jealous and crazy and emotional. And then I feel nuts but studies have even shown that when you are in love or lust or even just infatuation... your reasoning skills are actually impaired so it's not ENTIRELY my fault. I read that in a magazine. Haha. I feel like I'm obsessed and I hate that but I really am not sure as to how to control it.
VictorM's advice:
The key question: "How can a girl be friends with a guy if she has feelings for him?" It's not easy, specially if she knows the guy has no romantic interest in her. The thing is that often love does sparks between two people who are just friends, so all is not lost. But if you keep acting like the pain in the ass you sound to be, you're not going to make him warm up to you. "Overreacting" isn't exactly a quality that most guys find endearing.
Controlling your behavior is not easy and I have no magic words to help you change it. But we don't need a study to know that if a kid pokes himself in the eye with a pencil, you take pencils away from him. So... cut down your contact with him. That's not to say you should stop talking to him or even stop being his friend, but spend more time with other friends and less time on facebook, for example. Avoid situations that cause you to act like the kind of annoying wife that you're going to turn out to be. :-p
I have this guy friend I am really close to. We hang out one on one about 2 or 3 times a month, but usually I am the one to suggest going out. He has only been busy once or twice in the 7 months that we have been hanging out. The problem is I feel really easily rejected and because I like him as more than a friend I overanalyze everything he does. Like a few times this week, I logged onto Instant Message and when I did, he either logged off or switched his status to idle. (Each happened once this week) And he doesn't respond to my text messages unless he has to which pisses me off. And when this type of thing happens, I get insecure and show it which I end up regretting later. Like today he sent me a short message on IM while I was logged OFF asking how a concert had gone last night. I responded and he didnt say anything so either he wasnt at his computer at the moment or he was ignoring me. About an hour later he logged off without saying anything to me even though, I was still logged on. I sent him a message on facebook saying "Do you think I don't notice that lately whenever I get on IM you either log off or switch to idle? I DO notice and I think that it's rude." Then I feel like a bitch later for doing it because maybe he was just busy or something. He even texted me back saying "Noo, listen. my connection sucks. When i get an IM or someone signs on I get booted. And i was at the gym when you called. U imagine 2 much!" And then i feel stupid because I KNOW he's right and that I overreacted. Plus just yesterday he had contacted me twice on facebook and stuff..so it's not like he's been ignoring me at all. How can a girl be friends with a guy if she has feelings for him? Is it worth it? Because even though we have the best time when we hang out, it makes me insecure that he doesn't feel the same way and then I get all jealous and crazy and emotional. And then I feel nuts but studies have even shown that when you are in love or lust or even just infatuation... your reasoning skills are actually impaired so it's not ENTIRELY my fault. I read that in a magazine. Haha. I feel like I'm obsessed and I hate that but I really am not sure as to how to control it.
VictorM's advice:
The key question: "How can a girl be friends with a guy if she has feelings for him?" It's not easy, specially if she knows the guy has no romantic interest in her. The thing is that often love does sparks between two people who are just friends, so all is not lost. But if you keep acting like the pain in the ass you sound to be, you're not going to make him warm up to you. "Overreacting" isn't exactly a quality that most guys find endearing.
Controlling your behavior is not easy and I have no magic words to help you change it. But we don't need a study to know that if a kid pokes himself in the eye with a pencil, you take pencils away from him. So... cut down your contact with him. That's not to say you should stop talking to him or even stop being his friend, but spend more time with other friends and less time on facebook, for example. Avoid situations that cause you to act like the kind of annoying wife that you're going to turn out to be. :-p
I love him and he says that he loves me
Submitted on Saturday, February 16, 2008
By Tisha, 35, from Durham:
I am 35 and have been seeing a guy who is 27 for about 2 years. Things were really good at first then we stopped talking for 3 months. He called me and we started things back up. We talked and he told me that he was not ready for a committed relationship so I told him that I wasn't either, but I was lying. We started hanging and acting like friends, but now I realize that I want more from him. He's always clubbing and hanging out with his friends and I can't help but wonder if he's looking for someone else. I'm thinking maybe I'm too old for him. Should I tell him how I feel or just continue to carry on this act and hopfully find someone else. I love him and he says that he loves me.
VictorM's advice:
You're filler until someone else comes along.
Come on, after 2 years a guy knows. And he knows you're not "it." So he says he loves you. I'm sure he does, in a guy-love kinda way, which means you're fun, you're there, you don't stop him from having his own fun, but not love in a "you're it" sorta way.
Tell him how you feel or don't tell him how you feel, frankly, it won't make much of a difference as far as your long term future with him is concerned. The choice is yours: stay quiet and be his companion until he meets a "wife" caliber girl, or tell him and risk him walking away sooner. But if you're counting on him committing to you after you tell him, don't hold your breath.
I don't know if age has anything to do with it. My guess is that it doesn't.
I am 35 and have been seeing a guy who is 27 for about 2 years. Things were really good at first then we stopped talking for 3 months. He called me and we started things back up. We talked and he told me that he was not ready for a committed relationship so I told him that I wasn't either, but I was lying. We started hanging and acting like friends, but now I realize that I want more from him. He's always clubbing and hanging out with his friends and I can't help but wonder if he's looking for someone else. I'm thinking maybe I'm too old for him. Should I tell him how I feel or just continue to carry on this act and hopfully find someone else. I love him and he says that he loves me.
VictorM's advice:
You're filler until someone else comes along.
Come on, after 2 years a guy knows. And he knows you're not "it." So he says he loves you. I'm sure he does, in a guy-love kinda way, which means you're fun, you're there, you don't stop him from having his own fun, but not love in a "you're it" sorta way.
Tell him how you feel or don't tell him how you feel, frankly, it won't make much of a difference as far as your long term future with him is concerned. The choice is yours: stay quiet and be his companion until he meets a "wife" caliber girl, or tell him and risk him walking away sooner. But if you're counting on him committing to you after you tell him, don't hold your breath.
I don't know if age has anything to do with it. My guess is that it doesn't.
Would breaking up with him be the best way?
Submitted on Saturday, February 16, 2008
By kailey, 15, from California:
I've been going out with a wonderful guy for about 2 1/2 months. He's been nothing but kind & sweet to me, but lately I have been craving the single life. Also, I have lost the desire to talk on the phone with him or hang out with him. I guess for me the spark is gone. Some of his friends tell me how much he talks about me, but my friends tell me I shouldn't lead him on, I don't want to hurt him, but would breaking up with him be the best way?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should break up with him.
There's nothing you can do about how he reacts and whether he'll be hurt or by how much. He owns those feelings, not you.
Be honest and don't accuse him of anything. Talk about your feelings, something like: "I lost the spark and I can't be the type of girlfriend you deserve. I'm sorry but we're going to have to break up."
And don't give him a lot of "you're a great guy" bullshit. When a guy is being dumped, hearing he's a great guy does not feel good. If he questions you about what type of guy he is, just say this is not about him, it's about you and your feelings. Stay clear of talking about him.
Now, go and break the boy's heart into a million little pieces. :-p
By kailey, 15, from California:
I've been going out with a wonderful guy for about 2 1/2 months. He's been nothing but kind & sweet to me, but lately I have been craving the single life. Also, I have lost the desire to talk on the phone with him or hang out with him. I guess for me the spark is gone. Some of his friends tell me how much he talks about me, but my friends tell me I shouldn't lead him on, I don't want to hurt him, but would breaking up with him be the best way?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should break up with him.
There's nothing you can do about how he reacts and whether he'll be hurt or by how much. He owns those feelings, not you.
Be honest and don't accuse him of anything. Talk about your feelings, something like: "I lost the spark and I can't be the type of girlfriend you deserve. I'm sorry but we're going to have to break up."
And don't give him a lot of "you're a great guy" bullshit. When a guy is being dumped, hearing he's a great guy does not feel good. If he questions you about what type of guy he is, just say this is not about him, it's about you and your feelings. Stay clear of talking about him.
Now, go and break the boy's heart into a million little pieces. :-p
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Do guys REALLY like girls that talk dirty?
Submitted on Saturday, February 16, 2008
By Jenna, 41, from lousiana:
This is not your typical, trying to guess whats in a guy's head thing. This is the deal. I FINALLY went on a date with this guy that I was interested in for several months. We hit it off, got kinda hot. But, I stopped it before it got too hot (was really hard to stop!!! It was rreeaall good!) Next day, he calls and says how awesome it was the night before. That day, he had to leave for his job for 2 weeks. He's called me every other day. He called to wish me happy valentines! I thanked him for calling me. Anyway, what could I say that would blow this guy's mind on the phone. He says he can't wait to get back and see me. He is so seductive on the phone without even talking dirty. Just the things he says are sweet and sexy. How can I return the favor? Do guys REALLY like girls that talk dirty? How dirty? I don't want to blow this.
VictorM's advice:
Some guys like dirty talk, some don't. If you don't know what he prefers, you're better off not doing it. Besides, most guys want to be the seducers, so let him do the sweet and sexy talk.
He seems to be into you as it is, so why do anything different? Listening to him, encouraging him, and playing along is returning the favor.
Hold back and let him do the heavy lifting; I get a feeling that's the way he likes it.
By Jenna, 41, from lousiana:
This is not your typical, trying to guess whats in a guy's head thing. This is the deal. I FINALLY went on a date with this guy that I was interested in for several months. We hit it off, got kinda hot. But, I stopped it before it got too hot (was really hard to stop!!! It was rreeaall good!) Next day, he calls and says how awesome it was the night before. That day, he had to leave for his job for 2 weeks. He's called me every other day. He called to wish me happy valentines! I thanked him for calling me. Anyway, what could I say that would blow this guy's mind on the phone. He says he can't wait to get back and see me. He is so seductive on the phone without even talking dirty. Just the things he says are sweet and sexy. How can I return the favor? Do guys REALLY like girls that talk dirty? How dirty? I don't want to blow this.
VictorM's advice:
Some guys like dirty talk, some don't. If you don't know what he prefers, you're better off not doing it. Besides, most guys want to be the seducers, so let him do the sweet and sexy talk.
He seems to be into you as it is, so why do anything different? Listening to him, encouraging him, and playing along is returning the favor.
Hold back and let him do the heavy lifting; I get a feeling that's the way he likes it.
I like this really nice guy from my soccer league
Submitted on Saturday, February 16, 2008
By Confused, from Somewhere over the rainbow:
I like this really nice guy from my soccer league and I think he likes me back, he like remembers little, tiny things from our conversations, looks at me real funny, and people say he’s like really talkative and all, but he hardly says things when I’m around, its a little less awkward over the net, but once, I asked him if he likes any one, and he said he likes someone from his class in school ( I’m not in his school). Not to sound selfish or anything, but please advise me as what to do.
By Confused, from Somewhere over the rainbow:
I like this really nice guy from my soccer league and I think he likes me back, he like remembers little, tiny things from our conversations, looks at me real funny, and people say he’s like really talkative and all, but he hardly says things when I’m around, its a little less awkward over the net, but once, I asked him if he likes any one, and he said he likes someone from his class in school ( I’m not in his school). Not to sound selfish or anything, but please advise me as what to do.
Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you do is disregard the comment about him liking someone else from school. There's many reasons a guy would say that, such as: he feels it's creepy if he has no interests, so he makes one up; he's afraid you're going to think he's gay unless he mentions a girl (did he say "someone" or "a girl"?!); he really does like a girl there but so what, guys like a lot of girls that they never have any interest in getting serious about; and lastly, he might have told you just to see your reaction (I know, it sounds dumb, but it's a very common guy tactic). So... forget her, if she even exists. Unless it's a him, then you'll have to grow a penis.
It's time for you to invite him out to lunch so he can fully explain the offside law to you. Of course, as you and I know, that could last a lifetime because they keep changing the interpretation of the freaking law. Then overlap him with your charm and wit and do what most soccer players do -- feign an injury (ha! a little soccer humor there) so he can give you his attention.
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you do is disregard the comment about him liking someone else from school. There's many reasons a guy would say that, such as: he feels it's creepy if he has no interests, so he makes one up; he's afraid you're going to think he's gay unless he mentions a girl (did he say "someone" or "a girl"?!); he really does like a girl there but so what, guys like a lot of girls that they never have any interest in getting serious about; and lastly, he might have told you just to see your reaction (I know, it sounds dumb, but it's a very common guy tactic). So... forget her, if she even exists. Unless it's a him, then you'll have to grow a penis.
It's time for you to invite him out to lunch so he can fully explain the offside law to you. Of course, as you and I know, that could last a lifetime because they keep changing the interpretation of the freaking law. Then overlap him with your charm and wit and do what most soccer players do -- feign an injury (ha! a little soccer humor there) so he can give you his attention.
I'm getting tired of just hooking up every now and then
Submitted on Saturday, February 16, 2008
By jen, 23, from las vegas:
I've been hooking up with this guy for three years now but no relationship has ever come out of it. I'm getting tired of just hooking up every now and then and would like to start something if possible. I feel I'm ready to commit whether it'd be him or someone else. I'm just afraid I'm nothing more wth him. Three years seems long enough, and I just wanted to know if something can develop or should I just move along to something else out there?
VictorM's advice:
I'm the first one to say that women are too eager to get into a relationship, but dear lord, 3 years is more than enough time.
What you have to consider is that guys love the status quo. If this guy is getting all he wants without having to commit, why commit? So there's a good chance that if you bring up your interest in a relationship, that he will be fine with it. If he isn't, then it's high time you know about it and start looking elsewhere.
It's time to tell him what you want in no uncertain terms (just be prepared to see him run out the door).
By jen, 23, from las vegas:
I've been hooking up with this guy for three years now but no relationship has ever come out of it. I'm getting tired of just hooking up every now and then and would like to start something if possible. I feel I'm ready to commit whether it'd be him or someone else. I'm just afraid I'm nothing more wth him. Three years seems long enough, and I just wanted to know if something can develop or should I just move along to something else out there?
VictorM's advice:
I'm the first one to say that women are too eager to get into a relationship, but dear lord, 3 years is more than enough time.
What you have to consider is that guys love the status quo. If this guy is getting all he wants without having to commit, why commit? So there's a good chance that if you bring up your interest in a relationship, that he will be fine with it. If he isn't, then it's high time you know about it and start looking elsewhere.
It's time to tell him what you want in no uncertain terms (just be prepared to see him run out the door).
Something is bothering me
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By carmen, 20, from illinois:
I am dating this guy for almost a year. I love him more than anything but something is bothering me. See, I think he is cheating on me with other girls and also flirts around with other girls and even my sister. I don't want to lose him. He smacks their butts, he hugs me sister a lot, and smiles at her, I don't know what do to. I ask him if he likes my sister he says no. His eyes don't move but the way he acts towards her, it scares me. It happened once. What should I do? I need help very bad please get back too me.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing that I say and nothing that you tell him, is going to change the way he is.
If you decide to stay with him, prepare yourself to be a very unhappy woman.
By the way, what you feel for him is not love, it's something called transference. And it's brought about because you crave the attention of someone you know will never give it to you exclusively as punishment or as a test for something that in your past and in your mind you failed to do. But only a professional therapist can help you get to the bottom of that. See one if you can.
If you can't afford one, here's the 2 cent version: Someone in your past (most likely your father or some authority figure) paid more attention to your sister (or mother, or some other kid) even when you tried to so hard to get their attention, but never felt you did. Now, you're starting the process all over again, hoping this time you succeed with this guy. If this guy ever leaves you, your next attraction will be to some guy who cheats because you yearn to prove yourself capable of prying their attention from others into only you. Of course, you will fail each and every time because you don't realize that the problem was, and is, not you; it's the other person. If you ever came to that conclusion, then you'd find decent guys attractive, but since you're transferring your child failures into your boyfriend, the boyfriend needs to be a flawed guy, such as the crappy guy you're "love more than anything."
By carmen, 20, from illinois:
I am dating this guy for almost a year. I love him more than anything but something is bothering me. See, I think he is cheating on me with other girls and also flirts around with other girls and even my sister. I don't want to lose him. He smacks their butts, he hugs me sister a lot, and smiles at her, I don't know what do to. I ask him if he likes my sister he says no. His eyes don't move but the way he acts towards her, it scares me. It happened once. What should I do? I need help very bad please get back too me.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing that I say and nothing that you tell him, is going to change the way he is.
If you decide to stay with him, prepare yourself to be a very unhappy woman.
By the way, what you feel for him is not love, it's something called transference. And it's brought about because you crave the attention of someone you know will never give it to you exclusively as punishment or as a test for something that in your past and in your mind you failed to do. But only a professional therapist can help you get to the bottom of that. See one if you can.
If you can't afford one, here's the 2 cent version: Someone in your past (most likely your father or some authority figure) paid more attention to your sister (or mother, or some other kid) even when you tried to so hard to get their attention, but never felt you did. Now, you're starting the process all over again, hoping this time you succeed with this guy. If this guy ever leaves you, your next attraction will be to some guy who cheats because you yearn to prove yourself capable of prying their attention from others into only you. Of course, you will fail each and every time because you don't realize that the problem was, and is, not you; it's the other person. If you ever came to that conclusion, then you'd find decent guys attractive, but since you're transferring your child failures into your boyfriend, the boyfriend needs to be a flawed guy, such as the crappy guy you're "love more than anything."
I can never talk to guys
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By sara, 20, from U.S:
I really think I need help. I can never talk to guys. I can never keeping a conversation going with a guy.. even on msn. The conversation usually dies and I think they all find me boring. I've never had a boyfriend and I only have very few guy friends (not close though). So yeah, what do I do?? HELP ME.
VictorM's advice:
Find topics that the guys know a lot about and ask questions about that. Guys like to hear themselves talk when they think they are impressing a girl. For example, if a guy likes music, on any given day you can ask him what he thinks of some artist. If he likes sports, look at the sports section of a newspaper and ask about something on the headlines. Ask a lot of "why" questions and ask him to explain things in more detail. As long as you're asking things in the area of his knowledge and interest, you have his attention. Of course, it helps if you have a vague interest in the topic. :)
Also, when you're chatting online, don't wait for the conversation to dry up. One of the great things about online chatting is saying: "I gotta go. Catch you later" without giving any explanations. The idea is, leave them wanting more rather than saturating them with lengthy chats or until you run out of things to say. You can also say you're doing some research online, writing a paper, or any such excuse, and if you don't reply right away for him not to feel bad. This buys you more time to think of what to say.
Don't be so self conscious about the conversation because most guys feel they're the ones that have to be interesting to you. And if a guy likes you, he'll find anything you say fun.
By sara, 20, from U.S:
I really think I need help. I can never talk to guys. I can never keeping a conversation going with a guy.. even on msn. The conversation usually dies and I think they all find me boring. I've never had a boyfriend and I only have very few guy friends (not close though). So yeah, what do I do?? HELP ME.
VictorM's advice:
Find topics that the guys know a lot about and ask questions about that. Guys like to hear themselves talk when they think they are impressing a girl. For example, if a guy likes music, on any given day you can ask him what he thinks of some artist. If he likes sports, look at the sports section of a newspaper and ask about something on the headlines. Ask a lot of "why" questions and ask him to explain things in more detail. As long as you're asking things in the area of his knowledge and interest, you have his attention. Of course, it helps if you have a vague interest in the topic. :)
Also, when you're chatting online, don't wait for the conversation to dry up. One of the great things about online chatting is saying: "I gotta go. Catch you later" without giving any explanations. The idea is, leave them wanting more rather than saturating them with lengthy chats or until you run out of things to say. You can also say you're doing some research online, writing a paper, or any such excuse, and if you don't reply right away for him not to feel bad. This buys you more time to think of what to say.
Don't be so self conscious about the conversation because most guys feel they're the ones that have to be interesting to you. And if a guy likes you, he'll find anything you say fun.
Confidential to K
The answer to your question is in this sentence of yours: "I told him I sort of had feelings for him and now that he has a girlfriend, it seems he doesn't even have an interest in being my friend."
He's into her, he can't be into you. It's not mind games; it's the most common of reactions. This is why I always say on this blog that exes can't be friends and that a guy and a girl can't be that close if one of them falls for someone else.
He's putting his efforts into his girlfriend, and he's too busy for you, meaning, he doesn't want his friendship with you to ruin his relationship with her. It's no longer just about your feelings and his; now it includes with this other girl might think. He's not taking any chances.
If he breaks up with her, he'll come around again, but for now, leave him alone and wish him well.
He's into her, he can't be into you. It's not mind games; it's the most common of reactions. This is why I always say on this blog that exes can't be friends and that a guy and a girl can't be that close if one of them falls for someone else.
He's putting his efforts into his girlfriend, and he's too busy for you, meaning, he doesn't want his friendship with you to ruin his relationship with her. It's no longer just about your feelings and his; now it includes with this other girl might think. He's not taking any chances.
If he breaks up with her, he'll come around again, but for now, leave him alone and wish him well.
It's like it never happened
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By Karina:
Why is it that I can get any guy's attention in a room full of girls, and the next day I bump into them and it's like it never happened? I don't sleep with them on the first date or rarely even kiss them! The conversation is great and there is chemistry, but somehow I can never go past a first date with a guy I'm really into. The only guys that won't leave me alone are ones that are into me more than I am into them.. WHYYY?
VictorM's advice:
Don't be mad at me but everything you said suggest you have looks but no substance. Even beauty fades if the words out of your mouth are selfish, or pretentious, or shallow, or fake, etc.
The notion that guys only care about looks is a myth. The reality is that guys like girls that make them feel good about themselves. Make a guy feel funny, smart, interesting... and he'll remember you. When you're with a guy, no matter how stunning you look, it should be about him, not you. Pay him sincere compliments. Find his topics of interest. Make him the center of attention.
My guess is that in a room full of girls, it's all about you.
OK, you can be mad at me now.
By Karina:
Why is it that I can get any guy's attention in a room full of girls, and the next day I bump into them and it's like it never happened? I don't sleep with them on the first date or rarely even kiss them! The conversation is great and there is chemistry, but somehow I can never go past a first date with a guy I'm really into. The only guys that won't leave me alone are ones that are into me more than I am into them.. WHYYY?
VictorM's advice:
Don't be mad at me but everything you said suggest you have looks but no substance. Even beauty fades if the words out of your mouth are selfish, or pretentious, or shallow, or fake, etc.
The notion that guys only care about looks is a myth. The reality is that guys like girls that make them feel good about themselves. Make a guy feel funny, smart, interesting... and he'll remember you. When you're with a guy, no matter how stunning you look, it should be about him, not you. Pay him sincere compliments. Find his topics of interest. Make him the center of attention.
My guess is that in a room full of girls, it's all about you.
OK, you can be mad at me now.
He looked and stared at me a lot
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By Anita, 21, from Portugal:
Hey!
So, I have been flirting with this guy (that happens to be a section boss, but not of the section to which I belong) at work place. We have been like this since November 2007, till now. He looked and stared at me a lot, mostly when he's a little far. He rarely talks to me (but when he does he gives me a naughty smile, like malicious and he teases...he shows off himself very much, tries to get my attention, he also looks at me when he thinks I am not aware of that. He seems to be very confident about himself, not shy...he takes good care of his image, he's Brazilian, must be 29, 30 years old. Now he is cooling off and me too, but sometimes I caught him looking at me, but I avoid looking at him also... sometimes I think he is keeping me interested just to feed his ego, to make him feel desired, admired, good, and that he makes fun at me. When he is around the others bosses he looks at me also... one time I had an impression that he was nervous by being closer to me...not pretty sure. He approaches other girls in a playful, teasing way, but they treat him indifferently.
Sorry for being too long..my question is: is this guy a player and not interested in me romantically?
I don't know him very well, but we both feel attracted to each other. I didn't make any move forward, I just responded by looking at him also. But I am very shy, reserved, I don't trust people easily, never had a boyfriend...
Thanks for your help, it will be greatly appreciated. :)
VictorM's advice:
Wow, as far as I know, you're the first fellow "Portuga" with a question. How cool! :) (Yes, I was born in Portugal).
Anyway... if a guy doesn't have a wife or girlfriend, of course more often than not he's going to come across as a player. Guys on the lookout... look. They check girls out. They looked them up and down. Sometimes they like somethings about a girl but that girl might come up short on something else. Sometimes they like the way a girl looks in red, or blue, or how she has her hair that day and they come around more often. Guys like to look at pretty girls. That he looks at you doesn't necessarily mean he wants anything romantic with you.
Basically, you have a few of problems going:
1. You are coworkers. For many people, and depending on the company culture, that is a no-no.
2. You're about 10 years younger. He may find you pretty to look at but off-limits for anything else.
3. You're shy and distrustful. Whether you know it or not, you send vibes that keep guys away.
I'm not saying you should trust people easily but you should realize that if you go out and have fun with them, they're not taking anything away from you unless you let them. You don't trust that most guys would be after anything but sex? That's OK, you can still laugh and go to dinner or clubbing with them.
You're sitting around waiting for Mister Right to come along. But some guys are Mister Right Now and they're fun to be with. For a while anyway. So... go out with some guys you know you could never be serious about. Practice being in control in their company. Laugh and enjoy the moment.
I have no idea if this Brazilian guy has romance in mind -- he might -- but if you only go out with a guy after you're sure, you're going to be singing a lot of lonely fados. Any guy is an adventure and an opportunity for discovery. Take a chance.
With this guy, find a way to meet him away from your work. Put yourself in a position where you're both free to talk.
A Brazilian? Traidora! :)
By Anita, 21, from Portugal:
Hey!
So, I have been flirting with this guy (that happens to be a section boss, but not of the section to which I belong) at work place. We have been like this since November 2007, till now. He looked and stared at me a lot, mostly when he's a little far. He rarely talks to me (but when he does he gives me a naughty smile, like malicious and he teases...he shows off himself very much, tries to get my attention, he also looks at me when he thinks I am not aware of that. He seems to be very confident about himself, not shy...he takes good care of his image, he's Brazilian, must be 29, 30 years old. Now he is cooling off and me too, but sometimes I caught him looking at me, but I avoid looking at him also... sometimes I think he is keeping me interested just to feed his ego, to make him feel desired, admired, good, and that he makes fun at me. When he is around the others bosses he looks at me also... one time I had an impression that he was nervous by being closer to me...not pretty sure. He approaches other girls in a playful, teasing way, but they treat him indifferently.
Sorry for being too long..my question is: is this guy a player and not interested in me romantically?
I don't know him very well, but we both feel attracted to each other. I didn't make any move forward, I just responded by looking at him also. But I am very shy, reserved, I don't trust people easily, never had a boyfriend...
Thanks for your help, it will be greatly appreciated. :)
VictorM's advice:
Wow, as far as I know, you're the first fellow "Portuga" with a question. How cool! :) (Yes, I was born in Portugal).
Anyway... if a guy doesn't have a wife or girlfriend, of course more often than not he's going to come across as a player. Guys on the lookout... look. They check girls out. They looked them up and down. Sometimes they like somethings about a girl but that girl might come up short on something else. Sometimes they like the way a girl looks in red, or blue, or how she has her hair that day and they come around more often. Guys like to look at pretty girls. That he looks at you doesn't necessarily mean he wants anything romantic with you.
Basically, you have a few of problems going:
1. You are coworkers. For many people, and depending on the company culture, that is a no-no.
2. You're about 10 years younger. He may find you pretty to look at but off-limits for anything else.
3. You're shy and distrustful. Whether you know it or not, you send vibes that keep guys away.
I'm not saying you should trust people easily but you should realize that if you go out and have fun with them, they're not taking anything away from you unless you let them. You don't trust that most guys would be after anything but sex? That's OK, you can still laugh and go to dinner or clubbing with them.
You're sitting around waiting for Mister Right to come along. But some guys are Mister Right Now and they're fun to be with. For a while anyway. So... go out with some guys you know you could never be serious about. Practice being in control in their company. Laugh and enjoy the moment.
I have no idea if this Brazilian guy has romance in mind -- he might -- but if you only go out with a guy after you're sure, you're going to be singing a lot of lonely fados. Any guy is an adventure and an opportunity for discovery. Take a chance.
With this guy, find a way to meet him away from your work. Put yourself in a position where you're both free to talk.
A Brazilian? Traidora! :)
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Am I just being a worry-wart?
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By Not Happy, 27, from Ontario:
My live-in boyfriend is a heavy pot smoker and a generally great guy. He also has a very strong libido that I am frequently not able to satisfy. Recently, he has begun playing matchmaker with his friends, basically setting them up to get laid. While I don't generally have much of a problem with his pot habit, I can't help but feel he is setting friends up with girls he would like to be sleeping with himself, girls who smoke pot (I don't). Today he drove across town alone to smoke with just such a girl (no friend this time). I felt that this was extremely inappropriate and told him so, but he acted upset that I didn't trust him and went anyway, refusing my offer to come along because he felt my only motive was to be a chaperone (this is kind of true). Every time that this sort of thing happens, we end up arguing and I'm left feeling like a jealous fuddy-duddy, which is frankly starting to piss me off because I think I am a pretty cool chick. I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking him not to do these sorts of things and I can't help but feel that I am watching the slow beginnings of him cheating on me. What do you think? Am I just being a worry-wart?
VictorM's advice:
I imagine that heavy pot smokers will do anything for their pot and prefer to dwell with other who share the same subculture. I suppose going across town just to smoke could be a possibility. But on the other hand, this is exactly how most cheating starts: meeting a woman who shares the same interest and making you feel guilty for even thinking there's something going on. Chances are there is something going on.
I don't think you're a worry-wart but I also don't think you're a pretty cool chick. You're not cool when you turn a blind eye to behavior that by most standards is wrong and harmful (heavy pot smoking). A truly cool person would not put up with that.
You signed "Not Happy" and still claim he's a great guy. He refuses to take you along and you feel like a "fuddy-duddy." You feel jealous and wonder if you're a worry-wart. The bottom line is you're trapped with a man that makes you unhappy, yet you're bending backwards to appear cool.
You're not a cool chick, you're not a fuddy-duddy, and not a worry-wart; what you are is afraid and in denial.
You have a choice: stay with him and appear cool, or face the problems head on and renew your chance at happiness. You know fully well that this girl across town is just a crack in the dam.
By Not Happy, 27, from Ontario:
My live-in boyfriend is a heavy pot smoker and a generally great guy. He also has a very strong libido that I am frequently not able to satisfy. Recently, he has begun playing matchmaker with his friends, basically setting them up to get laid. While I don't generally have much of a problem with his pot habit, I can't help but feel he is setting friends up with girls he would like to be sleeping with himself, girls who smoke pot (I don't). Today he drove across town alone to smoke with just such a girl (no friend this time). I felt that this was extremely inappropriate and told him so, but he acted upset that I didn't trust him and went anyway, refusing my offer to come along because he felt my only motive was to be a chaperone (this is kind of true). Every time that this sort of thing happens, we end up arguing and I'm left feeling like a jealous fuddy-duddy, which is frankly starting to piss me off because I think I am a pretty cool chick. I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking him not to do these sorts of things and I can't help but feel that I am watching the slow beginnings of him cheating on me. What do you think? Am I just being a worry-wart?
VictorM's advice:
I imagine that heavy pot smokers will do anything for their pot and prefer to dwell with other who share the same subculture. I suppose going across town just to smoke could be a possibility. But on the other hand, this is exactly how most cheating starts: meeting a woman who shares the same interest and making you feel guilty for even thinking there's something going on. Chances are there is something going on.
I don't think you're a worry-wart but I also don't think you're a pretty cool chick. You're not cool when you turn a blind eye to behavior that by most standards is wrong and harmful (heavy pot smoking). A truly cool person would not put up with that.
You signed "Not Happy" and still claim he's a great guy. He refuses to take you along and you feel like a "fuddy-duddy." You feel jealous and wonder if you're a worry-wart. The bottom line is you're trapped with a man that makes you unhappy, yet you're bending backwards to appear cool.
You're not a cool chick, you're not a fuddy-duddy, and not a worry-wart; what you are is afraid and in denial.
You have a choice: stay with him and appear cool, or face the problems head on and renew your chance at happiness. You know fully well that this girl across town is just a crack in the dam.
How can I play hard to get
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By Dimples, 26, from Florida:
How can I play hard to get so that this guy that I'm dating will be more interested in me? I'm always thinking about him, and usually when I call him he is always too busy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Stop being the one who calls him.
But playing hard to get only works if the guy is trying to get you. If he's not that interested, it won't work. Part of the benefit of playing hard to get is for you to assess how much he wants to get you. If he doesn't, then you need to know and do something about it. If a guy is too busy early on during the dating phase, that is not a good sign; you can do better.
What you're really asking is: how do you get this guy to be more attentive with you? Again, it has to start with him really wanting to be with you, otherwise, it's a struggle. But basically, treat him like a puppy: train him on what you expect from him and give him rewards only when you think he earned them.
Start by waiting for him to call you. If he doesn't, make other plans. If he does, he gets a kiss so wet you'll be declared a flood zone. :) Let the training begin.
By Dimples, 26, from Florida:
How can I play hard to get so that this guy that I'm dating will be more interested in me? I'm always thinking about him, and usually when I call him he is always too busy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Stop being the one who calls him.
But playing hard to get only works if the guy is trying to get you. If he's not that interested, it won't work. Part of the benefit of playing hard to get is for you to assess how much he wants to get you. If he doesn't, then you need to know and do something about it. If a guy is too busy early on during the dating phase, that is not a good sign; you can do better.
What you're really asking is: how do you get this guy to be more attentive with you? Again, it has to start with him really wanting to be with you, otherwise, it's a struggle. But basically, treat him like a puppy: train him on what you expect from him and give him rewards only when you think he earned them.
Start by waiting for him to call you. If he doesn't, make other plans. If he does, he gets a kiss so wet you'll be declared a flood zone. :) Let the training begin.
Something changes
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By Joe Frank Harris, 37, from Georgia:
Okay, I have had several relationships that start out great (into each other, comfortable, really interested, everything seems to be good), but then something changes. The girl suddenly develops this nervous anxious feeling about me. In two of the girls it almost becomes a panic attack when nearing the time for our date. Of course this is not good and they end up breaking up with me and refusing to even talk to me. I have not had one clue as to why this happens. I even tried going to the extreme of being the perfect gentleman which seems to only make it worse? What gives...?
Clueless.....
VictorM's advice:
Gee, Joe, I don't know what to tell you. You don't give me enough specifics, so it's hard to figure what it could be and I don't want to jump to conclusions. However, and I don't know if this means anything, but being a perfect gentleman is not an extreme; it should standard behavior (I'm assuming you just meant you tried extra hard).
I can think of a few reasons that are likely to be major turnoffs to women: being too possessive; being too serious or too anal; and being too cheap.
Now I'm going to ask our lady visitors to use the VISITOR COMMENTS link below this answer and give Joe some examples of things about guys that have been a turn off for you in the past. Maybe Joe can find a similarity.
By Joe Frank Harris, 37, from Georgia:
Okay, I have had several relationships that start out great (into each other, comfortable, really interested, everything seems to be good), but then something changes. The girl suddenly develops this nervous anxious feeling about me. In two of the girls it almost becomes a panic attack when nearing the time for our date. Of course this is not good and they end up breaking up with me and refusing to even talk to me. I have not had one clue as to why this happens. I even tried going to the extreme of being the perfect gentleman which seems to only make it worse? What gives...?
Clueless.....
VictorM's advice:
Gee, Joe, I don't know what to tell you. You don't give me enough specifics, so it's hard to figure what it could be and I don't want to jump to conclusions. However, and I don't know if this means anything, but being a perfect gentleman is not an extreme; it should standard behavior (I'm assuming you just meant you tried extra hard).
I can think of a few reasons that are likely to be major turnoffs to women: being too possessive; being too serious or too anal; and being too cheap.
Now I'm going to ask our lady visitors to use the VISITOR COMMENTS link below this answer and give Joe some examples of things about guys that have been a turn off for you in the past. Maybe Joe can find a similarity.
Kiss you on the cheek
Submitted on Friday, February 15, 2008
By K, 18, from USA:
Why would a guy kiss you on the cheek at the end of a first date? We had a good time, it's just him kissing me so soon makes me sort of question his intentions.
VictorM's answer:
A kiss on the cheek sounds very nice and well-mannered to me. A handshake would have been too impersonal and a kiss on the lips maybe a bit too forward. I kiss on the cheeks is respectful while also indicating he liked you.
Also, keep in mind that things like kisses and hugs vary greatly from culture to culture and even from family to family. Don't read anything negative into a kiss just because you're not used to it.
By K, 18, from USA:
Why would a guy kiss you on the cheek at the end of a first date? We had a good time, it's just him kissing me so soon makes me sort of question his intentions.
VictorM's answer:
A kiss on the cheek sounds very nice and well-mannered to me. A handshake would have been too impersonal and a kiss on the lips maybe a bit too forward. I kiss on the cheeks is respectful while also indicating he liked you.
Also, keep in mind that things like kisses and hugs vary greatly from culture to culture and even from family to family. Don't read anything negative into a kiss just because you're not used to it.
Confidential to Jenny, again, again
What you did was not too forward, but there comes a time when you have got to get the hint. I don't think he's interested in you. You certainly have given him enough opportunities to follow-up, if he wanted to but he has not.
Yeah, I say guys like the chase, but that's when they are interested in a girl. In your case, you'd have to do the chasing, it seems. It's not like you have anything to lose if you do, other than a bruised ego. You can try him again, but don't hold your breath.
Maybe it's time to try fishing in other waters.
Yeah, I say guys like the chase, but that's when they are interested in a girl. In your case, you'd have to do the chasing, it seems. It's not like you have anything to lose if you do, other than a bruised ego. You can try him again, but don't hold your breath.
Maybe it's time to try fishing in other waters.
There is this guy who I am absolutely smitten with
Submitted on Thursday, February 14, 2008
By Krista, 19, from Oregon:
ok, so here's the deal.
I am a freshman in college and there is this guy who I am absolutely smitten with. I mean, I completely think he is just absolutely perfect. He definitely flirts with me and he treats me different from how he treats most girls. And honestly, this may sound stupid, but I swear I can see it in his eyes that he is attracted to me. So what could be the problem? He is in a long distance relationship. His girlfriend is very controlling. The thing is, he is leaving at the end of the quarter for an entire quarter. I am going to be so sad when he leaves. My friends say I should tell him how I feel since he is leaving. Do you think this would be a good idea? And if so, how do I go about bringing that conversation up? I'm not sure how to tell him, if it's even a good idea.
VictorM's advice:
"Look, I have to tell you something. I am smitten by you. I know you have a girlfriend and I respect that, but since you're leaving I wanted to tell how I feel you or I'd explode into a thousand little pieces."
His first question will most likely be: "What do you mean smitten?" And there you go; your conversation has begun.
Should you tell him? Yes. Why not? The worst that happens is he's flattered. Could he stop talking to you over this? Not likely. So, what have you got to lose?
The worst regrets in life are over things you never did or say. Go for it! (Come back and tell us how it went).
By Krista, 19, from Oregon:
ok, so here's the deal.
I am a freshman in college and there is this guy who I am absolutely smitten with. I mean, I completely think he is just absolutely perfect. He definitely flirts with me and he treats me different from how he treats most girls. And honestly, this may sound stupid, but I swear I can see it in his eyes that he is attracted to me. So what could be the problem? He is in a long distance relationship. His girlfriend is very controlling. The thing is, he is leaving at the end of the quarter for an entire quarter. I am going to be so sad when he leaves. My friends say I should tell him how I feel since he is leaving. Do you think this would be a good idea? And if so, how do I go about bringing that conversation up? I'm not sure how to tell him, if it's even a good idea.
VictorM's advice:
"Look, I have to tell you something. I am smitten by you. I know you have a girlfriend and I respect that, but since you're leaving I wanted to tell how I feel you or I'd explode into a thousand little pieces."
His first question will most likely be: "What do you mean smitten?" And there you go; your conversation has begun.
Should you tell him? Yes. Why not? The worst that happens is he's flattered. Could he stop talking to you over this? Not likely. So, what have you got to lose?
The worst regrets in life are over things you never did or say. Go for it! (Come back and tell us how it went).
I like this guy, but he has a girlfriend
Submitted on Thursday, February 14, 2008
By Karrah, 18, from MO:
I like this guy, but he has a girlfriend. When he started dating his girl, him and I weren't close friends. But we've gotten sooo much closer this year. We talk every day and he constantly asks for my opinions, he has nicknames for me and teases me, he tells me we need to hang out and that he's glad we've gotten closer this year, he's said in a blog to me, "I can't exactly put what how I feel about you right here." (I'm thinking because he has a girlfriend) And he's told me that I'm special, and then totally tried to cover it up when I asked him what made him say that! He complains to me about his girlfriend and tells me what she says when they argue, but then he'll ask me what he should get her for a gift! He's told a friend of ours that his girlfriend needed him way more than he needed her. I'm so confused. Does he like me or not???
VictorM's answer:
You're special, like a friend. He vents with you, like a friend. He asks for gift suggestions, like a friend. He likes to hangout with you, like a friend. Yeah, he likes you, like a friend.
He has a girlfriend and he's nothing but a friend to you. Treat him as such.
End of confusion.
By Karrah, 18, from MO:
I like this guy, but he has a girlfriend. When he started dating his girl, him and I weren't close friends. But we've gotten sooo much closer this year. We talk every day and he constantly asks for my opinions, he has nicknames for me and teases me, he tells me we need to hang out and that he's glad we've gotten closer this year, he's said in a blog to me, "I can't exactly put what how I feel about you right here." (I'm thinking because he has a girlfriend) And he's told me that I'm special, and then totally tried to cover it up when I asked him what made him say that! He complains to me about his girlfriend and tells me what she says when they argue, but then he'll ask me what he should get her for a gift! He's told a friend of ours that his girlfriend needed him way more than he needed her. I'm so confused. Does he like me or not???
VictorM's answer:
You're special, like a friend. He vents with you, like a friend. He asks for gift suggestions, like a friend. He likes to hangout with you, like a friend. Yeah, he likes you, like a friend.
He has a girlfriend and he's nothing but a friend to you. Treat him as such.
End of confusion.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Why, does it matter?
Submitted on Thursday, February 14, 2008
By Amanda Novak, 15, from Cambridge:
I like this guy Chris, and when we met he had a girlfriend and they had been dating for a little bit now. And yes I started to like him, and as far as I know he likes me too, as he tells my friends and his friends and when we talk he puts things in a way that he's saying he likes me. And whenever I ask him if he's still dating her he'll be like "Why? Does it matter?", or "I might be, I might not be",
By Amanda Novak, 15, from Cambridge:
I like this guy Chris, and when we met he had a girlfriend and they had been dating for a little bit now. And yes I started to like him, and as far as I know he likes me too, as he tells my friends and his friends and when we talk he puts things in a way that he's saying he likes me. And whenever I ask him if he's still dating her he'll be like "Why? Does it matter?", or "I might be, I might not be",
and telling me I don't have to worrie about it. But I kinda do because I don't want to be trying to get with a guy when he has a girlfriend and then get screwed over.
Can you please tell me what he's doing?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, I can tell you. He's trying to seduce you but he has no plans to leave his girlfriend. He's basically telling you that if you and him have anything, it'll be casual, not serious. His interest in you is purely physical. He doesn't like you the way you think or wish he did.
Can you please tell me what he's doing?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, I can tell you. He's trying to seduce you but he has no plans to leave his girlfriend. He's basically telling you that if you and him have anything, it'll be casual, not serious. His interest in you is purely physical. He doesn't like you the way you think or wish he did.
I have these doubts
Submitted on Thursday, February 14, 2008
By Jules, 20, from Birmingham:
So, I have met this lad on the net not long ago and he seems really nice...the only problem is, he lives in Blackpool AND he's going to Afghanistan with the army! He says he's really ready to commit to this and he would come to brum every weekend to see me and it's only about 4 hrs on a train for me to get there...but is it worth it?! I have doubts that it's sum sad wind up with his mates, but then we talk till 2am...I tell people that I am single...I have these doubts, but I really don't want them, I would like to make this work, as we have talked about what we both want from the future and it seems that we want the same thing-we even talked about the names of 'our kids'lol....will it work, should I put my doubts aside and put my all into it or should I stop it now before one of us gets hurt???
VictorM's advice:
You have doubts because you have some sanity left. Now... ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! You met him online "not long ago", I assume you never even met him in person, he's 4 hours away (that's a lot of time), and you spend all kinds of hours chatting, and naming your kids? Dear lord. Turn off the computer and go outside! You both need a social life first before you get a life together.
Follow this link to read my views on online relationships.
By Jules, 20, from Birmingham:
So, I have met this lad on the net not long ago and he seems really nice...the only problem is, he lives in Blackpool AND he's going to Afghanistan with the army! He says he's really ready to commit to this and he would come to brum every weekend to see me and it's only about 4 hrs on a train for me to get there...but is it worth it?! I have doubts that it's sum sad wind up with his mates, but then we talk till 2am...I tell people that I am single...I have these doubts, but I really don't want them, I would like to make this work, as we have talked about what we both want from the future and it seems that we want the same thing-we even talked about the names of 'our kids'lol....will it work, should I put my doubts aside and put my all into it or should I stop it now before one of us gets hurt???
VictorM's advice:
You have doubts because you have some sanity left. Now... ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! You met him online "not long ago", I assume you never even met him in person, he's 4 hours away (that's a lot of time), and you spend all kinds of hours chatting, and naming your kids? Dear lord. Turn off the computer and go outside! You both need a social life first before you get a life together.
Follow this link to read my views on online relationships.
Sara is back... I'm going to jump out the window
Submitted on Thursday, February 14, 2008
By sara, from uk:
ok so he's not interested in me....thats fine...a few things though i don' understand...
yesterday he messaged me on msn...started making small talk etc...said to me that apparently he'd done me a huge favour the other night cos now i can see the real him...i agreed with him.
today...i had a lovely bunch of flowers off this guy i'm dating and so i put that in my status message on facebook that i was pleasantly surprised at my roses this morn...
the minute i put that up...he removed me as a friend on facebook....
i'm stupid (as you have probably gathered)...but why remove me??
VictorM's answer:
Saraaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I don't even know this guy and I hate him already. If you keep bringing him up I'm going to climb a tall building and jump off!!!! Stop talking about him already! *
He's an immature twit, that's why I removed you. Seriously, this guy has some loose screws.
* I'm kidding. I like hearing from you.
By sara, from uk:
ok so he's not interested in me....thats fine...a few things though i don' understand...
yesterday he messaged me on msn...started making small talk etc...said to me that apparently he'd done me a huge favour the other night cos now i can see the real him...i agreed with him.
today...i had a lovely bunch of flowers off this guy i'm dating and so i put that in my status message on facebook that i was pleasantly surprised at my roses this morn...
the minute i put that up...he removed me as a friend on facebook....
i'm stupid (as you have probably gathered)...but why remove me??
VictorM's answer:
Saraaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I don't even know this guy and I hate him already. If you keep bringing him up I'm going to climb a tall building and jump off!!!! Stop talking about him already! *
He's an immature twit, that's why I removed you. Seriously, this guy has some loose screws.
* I'm kidding. I like hearing from you.
Is not all about money
Submitted on Thursday, February 14, 2008
By wunmi, 22, from Nigeria:
How do i know that this guy is a guy right?
I have a guy is 32 and i'm 22 and we been dating for six months, but whenever i has of anything from him he always says is not all about money. He never has of my welfare or even plan my future with me. Please advise.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's the right guy or not but guys take a lot longer to think of planning a future than girls do. Dating for six months is, for most guys, not enough time to start thinking too far ahead. You need to be more patient.
By wunmi, 22, from Nigeria:
How do i know that this guy is a guy right?
I have a guy is 32 and i'm 22 and we been dating for six months, but whenever i has of anything from him he always says is not all about money. He never has of my welfare or even plan my future with me. Please advise.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's the right guy or not but guys take a lot longer to think of planning a future than girls do. Dating for six months is, for most guys, not enough time to start thinking too far ahead. You need to be more patient.
Why is he acting so different?
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Verenice, 25, from San Diego, CA:
A wonderful man that I know likes me, or at least liked me at one point. I didn't want to start a serious relationship because I had just gotten out of one. I was really hurt by my ex, making it harder for me to trust this guy. I still like him very much, though and instead of letting things fall through, I pursued it. We then had a falling due to the fact that we aren't allowed to date because of professional reasons. I am subordinate to him, even though I do not work for him. Because of this, I told him we could not date. Now he is kind of unsure if he wants to pursue it. I am confused because he says I'm still in his life, but hardly ever talks to me, or at least the way he used to. I feel like I'm not letting him breath. I know there is something wrong. He told me I was on probation. What he meant was that he needed a break, but if he isn't interested in holding the relationship, then why not just tell me flat out? It's like he likes me, but isn't really interested in keeping the relationship going. I just would like to know why and if he really does like me, why is he acting so different?
VictorM's advice:
I don't get it. You're the one who told him he couldn't date you because of work. Now you're wondering why he's staying away? *bangs head against wall* Am I missing something?
(Yes, I disregarded much of what you said after "I told him we could not date" because you're making a lot of assumptions that don't make sense).
By Verenice, 25, from San Diego, CA:
A wonderful man that I know likes me, or at least liked me at one point. I didn't want to start a serious relationship because I had just gotten out of one. I was really hurt by my ex, making it harder for me to trust this guy. I still like him very much, though and instead of letting things fall through, I pursued it. We then had a falling due to the fact that we aren't allowed to date because of professional reasons. I am subordinate to him, even though I do not work for him. Because of this, I told him we could not date. Now he is kind of unsure if he wants to pursue it. I am confused because he says I'm still in his life, but hardly ever talks to me, or at least the way he used to. I feel like I'm not letting him breath. I know there is something wrong. He told me I was on probation. What he meant was that he needed a break, but if he isn't interested in holding the relationship, then why not just tell me flat out? It's like he likes me, but isn't really interested in keeping the relationship going. I just would like to know why and if he really does like me, why is he acting so different?
VictorM's advice:
I don't get it. You're the one who told him he couldn't date you because of work. Now you're wondering why he's staying away? *bangs head against wall* Am I missing something?
(Yes, I disregarded much of what you said after "I told him we could not date" because you're making a lot of assumptions that don't make sense).
I think I bore him
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Corinne, 15, from Texas:
Uneducated and I'm talking to somebody new. I like him a lot. But I think I bore him. I don't know what to say when talking to him and I wanna make it fun when he is around. I haven't known him for too long (like 4 days and didn't know each other before) so I don't know what he is into. What can i say or do to make him not bored around me....without seeming slutty.
VictorM's advice:
Don't be afraid to ask him what he's into. Then ask him questions to explain things about those topics. Guys love to talk about things they know well and he'll want to impress you.
Besides, I doubt you bore him. Guys are much more easily entertained that girls. If he likes you, even talking about the weather will be exciting.
By Corinne, 15, from Texas:
Uneducated and I'm talking to somebody new. I like him a lot. But I think I bore him. I don't know what to say when talking to him and I wanna make it fun when he is around. I haven't known him for too long (like 4 days and didn't know each other before) so I don't know what he is into. What can i say or do to make him not bored around me....without seeming slutty.
VictorM's advice:
Don't be afraid to ask him what he's into. Then ask him questions to explain things about those topics. Guys love to talk about things they know well and he'll want to impress you.
Besides, I doubt you bore him. Guys are much more easily entertained that girls. If he likes you, even talking about the weather will be exciting.
I only like him as a friend
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Elizabeth, 15, from CA:
There is a guy who really likes me, but I only like him as a friend. He is writing me a song for valentines day, and I feel I shouldn't lead him on any more (I wasn't doing it on purpose)... how should I tell him my feelings?
VictorM's advice:
"I'm flattered by your attention but I don't want you to get the wrong impression. You're a good friend and I would like to keep it that you."
But you could also just let him enjoy himself as long as you don't tell him something you don't mean. He's having a good time thinking of you. Why ruin it for him? Besides, how do you know if he will ever try to take it further with you? You can always tell him the quote above if he ever does.
By Elizabeth, 15, from CA:
There is a guy who really likes me, but I only like him as a friend. He is writing me a song for valentines day, and I feel I shouldn't lead him on any more (I wasn't doing it on purpose)... how should I tell him my feelings?
VictorM's advice:
"I'm flattered by your attention but I don't want you to get the wrong impression. You're a good friend and I would like to keep it that you."
But you could also just let him enjoy himself as long as you don't tell him something you don't mean. He's having a good time thinking of you. Why ruin it for him? Besides, how do you know if he will ever try to take it further with you? You can always tell him the quote above if he ever does.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
We got incredibly close
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Aya, 23, from FL:
Hi I have a question. :P I used to be friends with this guy for a few years. The last 2 we got incredibly close. He would ask me places, would never let me pay for anything...would basically treat me as his girlfriend. I got confused as to why he was spending so much time and money on me for about half a year (he had no job)...and never try/say anything. So I thought maybe I was just a really good friend...so I pushed any thoughts of being together aside. We would flirt sometimes but that was it. Well...he kissed me...and the next time we saw each other things were awkward and we didn't talk for a while. I saw him in school and I was the one to break the ice and things became normal. And the same pattern started again...for another 6 months...we would go places, stay together, sleep next to each other, be sweet...but nothing. He kissed me again then things got a little hot (no sex though)...things were ok for while (he'd send me cute cards, little hearts/kisses and stuff) but then we fought. We haven't talked for 7 to 8 months. Three weeks ago he saw my friend at a school meeting, pushed her aside and said he still liked me, was afraid our friendship would get messed up if it didn't work out (what friendship? lol and his indecision was what made us get to this place anyway)...he missed me and he really wanted to see me and asked for her help. Now...I haven't heard anything from him (neither has she)...why would he say all those things to my friend and not do anything about it. And if he cared so much for our friendship I don't think he should'va done anything in the first place...specially leading me on afterwards...Help.
VictorM's advice:
Leading you on? What?! I must have missed something. You kept seeing him because you chose to. Accept responsibility for that and stop trying to dump it on him.
Sounds like he was never sure about his feelings for you and whether having a fully committed romantic relationship with you was best.
Seems like he would like to give it another try but he might be afraid of rejection. Or, maybe he has moments when he thinks he really wants you (such as when he talked to your friend), but then reality sneaks in and he thinks he's better off without you.
Either way, if you either wait for him to make a move or contact him yourself, if you decide to resume the friendship or take it to the next level, or if you simply walk away from him, accept that you have the power to make these decisions and accept responsibility for the consequences without blaming anyone else.
By Aya, 23, from FL:
Hi I have a question. :P I used to be friends with this guy for a few years. The last 2 we got incredibly close. He would ask me places, would never let me pay for anything...would basically treat me as his girlfriend. I got confused as to why he was spending so much time and money on me for about half a year (he had no job)...and never try/say anything. So I thought maybe I was just a really good friend...so I pushed any thoughts of being together aside. We would flirt sometimes but that was it. Well...he kissed me...and the next time we saw each other things were awkward and we didn't talk for a while. I saw him in school and I was the one to break the ice and things became normal. And the same pattern started again...for another 6 months...we would go places, stay together, sleep next to each other, be sweet...but nothing. He kissed me again then things got a little hot (no sex though)...things were ok for while (he'd send me cute cards, little hearts/kisses and stuff) but then we fought. We haven't talked for 7 to 8 months. Three weeks ago he saw my friend at a school meeting, pushed her aside and said he still liked me, was afraid our friendship would get messed up if it didn't work out (what friendship? lol and his indecision was what made us get to this place anyway)...he missed me and he really wanted to see me and asked for her help. Now...I haven't heard anything from him (neither has she)...why would he say all those things to my friend and not do anything about it. And if he cared so much for our friendship I don't think he should'va done anything in the first place...specially leading me on afterwards...Help.
VictorM's advice:
Leading you on? What?! I must have missed something. You kept seeing him because you chose to. Accept responsibility for that and stop trying to dump it on him.
Sounds like he was never sure about his feelings for you and whether having a fully committed romantic relationship with you was best.
Seems like he would like to give it another try but he might be afraid of rejection. Or, maybe he has moments when he thinks he really wants you (such as when he talked to your friend), but then reality sneaks in and he thinks he's better off without you.
Either way, if you either wait for him to make a move or contact him yourself, if you decide to resume the friendship or take it to the next level, or if you simply walk away from him, accept that you have the power to make these decisions and accept responsibility for the consequences without blaming anyone else.
Trying to ask me with out really asking me?
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Tracey, 23, from Portage:
I am divorced with two children dating a guy that is 27 with no children. His last girlfriend got pregnant after they broke up and had a misscarriage that just killed him cause he wants children more then anything. He stopped dating for months and I am his first girlfriend since. He has asked me to move in, and sends me text messages a lot calling me his future wife. I will say something like I know what you can get me for Valentines day and he will say: "what a diamond?" He constantly makes comments towards marriage and children. Do you think he is trying to ask me with out really asking me?
VictorM's advice:
Is he trying to ask you to marry him? I doubt it. He had no problems asking you to move in with him, so I don't think he would be bashful about asking you to marry him. He does refer to you as his future wife, an indication that, if anything, he seems it happening down the road.
By Tracey, 23, from Portage:
I am divorced with two children dating a guy that is 27 with no children. His last girlfriend got pregnant after they broke up and had a misscarriage that just killed him cause he wants children more then anything. He stopped dating for months and I am his first girlfriend since. He has asked me to move in, and sends me text messages a lot calling me his future wife. I will say something like I know what you can get me for Valentines day and he will say: "what a diamond?" He constantly makes comments towards marriage and children. Do you think he is trying to ask me with out really asking me?
VictorM's advice:
Is he trying to ask you to marry him? I doubt it. He had no problems asking you to move in with him, so I don't think he would be bashful about asking you to marry him. He does refer to you as his future wife, an indication that, if anything, he seems it happening down the road.
Is this still considered cheating?
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Patty, 38, from Maine:
I found my boyfriend having a somewhat sexual internet chat with a girl from his past. Even thou he doesn't have physical contact her, only me, is this still considered cheating????
VictorM's advice:
Cheating is not just about physical contact. There are many couples who have lifestyles where sex with others is totally accepted. In those cases, it's not cheating. Cheating is a violation of trust. And in this case, only you can decide if you consider it cheating or just harmless fun.
In either case, it's something you should sit down with him and discuss. You might be OK with it (you know, "I don't care where he gets his appetite as long as he comes home for dinner" kinda thing) or you may feel it's a violation of trust. Either way, it's something you should discuss calmly. To put things in perspective, ask him how he's feel if you were the one having cybersex with others.
But there's no point ruining a relationship over something like this until you have set clearly defined boundaries about online activity.
By Patty, 38, from Maine:
I found my boyfriend having a somewhat sexual internet chat with a girl from his past. Even thou he doesn't have physical contact her, only me, is this still considered cheating????
VictorM's advice:
Cheating is not just about physical contact. There are many couples who have lifestyles where sex with others is totally accepted. In those cases, it's not cheating. Cheating is a violation of trust. And in this case, only you can decide if you consider it cheating or just harmless fun.
In either case, it's something you should sit down with him and discuss. You might be OK with it (you know, "I don't care where he gets his appetite as long as he comes home for dinner" kinda thing) or you may feel it's a violation of trust. Either way, it's something you should discuss calmly. To put things in perspective, ask him how he's feel if you were the one having cybersex with others.
But there's no point ruining a relationship over something like this until you have set clearly defined boundaries about online activity.
He is 29 years old and I am 18
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By Helen, 18, from NYC:
Hi, I'm Helen and I need a bit of a guys input. I started dating this really amazing guy and I do truly like him. Question is is that he is 29 years old and I am 18. He acts younger than his age and I act older than mine (for he was surprised of how old I really was when I told him..he said I carried myself very maturely). Anyways from a guys perspective, is dating a younger woman a problem..could it work?
VictorM's advice:
No, that would not be a problem for most guys, and yes, it can work. Eleven years difference now seems quite a bit, but in a few years, it won't be.
By Helen, 18, from NYC:
Hi, I'm Helen and I need a bit of a guys input. I started dating this really amazing guy and I do truly like him. Question is is that he is 29 years old and I am 18. He acts younger than his age and I act older than mine (for he was surprised of how old I really was when I told him..he said I carried myself very maturely). Anyways from a guys perspective, is dating a younger woman a problem..could it work?
VictorM's advice:
No, that would not be a problem for most guys, and yes, it can work. Eleven years difference now seems quite a bit, but in a few years, it won't be.
He doesn't want to get back together
Submitted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008
By tina, 26, from canada:
Hi!
My ex asks me out, texts/calls me, gets jealous when I go on dates, but he doesn't want to get back together. What's his deal? How can I get him to want me back?
VictorM's advice:
He's a selfish control freak. For crying out loud, why would you want him to want you back?
By tina, 26, from canada:
Hi!
My ex asks me out, texts/calls me, gets jealous when I go on dates, but he doesn't want to get back together. What's his deal? How can I get him to want me back?
VictorM's advice:
He's a selfish control freak. For crying out loud, why would you want him to want you back?
He even told me that I was way too anal
Submitted on Tuesday, February 12, 2008
By cindy, 20, from c-land:
There's this guy who I've know for a few years. We're good friends but we've never hung out (ie. only school/college) ..anyway, the other day he messaged me on msn and I was really bust with an assignment and frustrated about a test I did and I sort of started ranting to him and complaining continously and I think I might've annoyed him a bit too much* (we always complain about school ... and he's a good listener.. but this time he even told me that I was way too anal about trivial things..!! although he's never seen himself when he rants! )...and now when I see him, he just smiles and walks away (doesn't stop to talk like he used to)..and I dunno if that conversation was the reason, but it's really hurting me.. what up with him??? :S
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he thinks he hurt your feelings and he's afraid you're upset at him. Just talk to him like nothing happened. But... if you can... be positive!
By cindy, 20, from c-land:
There's this guy who I've know for a few years. We're good friends but we've never hung out (ie. only school/college) ..anyway, the other day he messaged me on msn and I was really bust with an assignment and frustrated about a test I did and I sort of started ranting to him and complaining continously and I think I might've annoyed him a bit too much* (we always complain about school ... and he's a good listener.. but this time he even told me that I was way too anal about trivial things..!! although he's never seen himself when he rants! )...and now when I see him, he just smiles and walks away (doesn't stop to talk like he used to)..and I dunno if that conversation was the reason, but it's really hurting me.. what up with him??? :S
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he thinks he hurt your feelings and he's afraid you're upset at him. Just talk to him like nothing happened. But... if you can... be positive!
Waiting for something to happen
Submitted on Tuesday, February 12, 2008
By Prefer not to answer, 25:
Mike and I have been friends for about a year now. We met in highschool but our friendship really began a year ago when he friended me on facebook. As we became close, I met his best friend who informed me that Mike was into me as much more than friends. I really like him as well. So I went on dates regularly with Mike, waiting for something to happen (waiting for our friendship to turn into more). However, we are both extremely shy and what happened is this in a nutshell.... As we began going on dates, we always had a great time....best dates of my life. And the flirting was out of control. CLEARLY there was mutual interest. However, being so shy, neither of us ever initiated a romantic "move" (such as a kiss) and so we kind of just fell into the friend zone. BLAH. :-( Now although, it is clear to me that we both still have more than friends feelings for each other (Flirting, obvious attraction, talking a LOT, we both get somewhat jealous of the other's opposite sex friends, etc), I have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely that we will ever have a romantic relationship, as it is awkward to initiate at this point. After all, he has become my best friend by now. Here lies the problem. I think I'm in love with him. Not in lust or crushing on him, I think I am actually in love with him. I love how I can be the biggest dork in front of him and he still makes me feel like the most amazing person ever. I laugh with him more than I do anyone else in the world. I see all his flaws and love him anyways. I feel completely comfortable with who I am when I am with him. I think about him throughout the entire day every day, and in my dreams as well. I don't think he's in love with me, although I think he's interested in me. Like I said though, he'll probably never do anything about it now, as we've waited too long. And I worry about how I will feel if he were to start seeing someone new. I feel the chemistry but have this fear about ruining our friendship by bringing it up. He was into me once, but how will he respond NOW a year later I wonder? Do I say anything, amp my game up a bit...leave it? What do you think? I kind of hate to do nothing at all...how can i let him slip through my fingers when in my heart of hearts feel he is my soulmate? Even if it wasn't the results I hoped for dont I owe it to myself to find out? What do i do and how do i do it without freaking him out? I know i can always tell him anything, but this is kind of big. His ex and him are still good friends, but he says it's not more than that. Just thought id throw that in. Have no clue if its important or not, but thought i'd mention it. They have they exact same group of friends however, so it's probably not cause for concern and anyways, i trust him to be truthful.
VictorM's advice:
You HAVE to tell him, screw the possible loss of friendship. Open your mouth and speak your mind because you really have nothing to lose. If you two don't become lovers, you will cease being friends sooner or later.
Come on, being just friends with him isn't going to be pleasant. Sooner or later, either one of you will get a lover, and then what? You think your friendship will remain intact after that? Not in a million years.
And the idea that you can't be lovers just because you're good friends is totally false.
Go. Tell him! (I'll sit and wait for an update) :)
By Prefer not to answer, 25:
Mike and I have been friends for about a year now. We met in highschool but our friendship really began a year ago when he friended me on facebook. As we became close, I met his best friend who informed me that Mike was into me as much more than friends. I really like him as well. So I went on dates regularly with Mike, waiting for something to happen (waiting for our friendship to turn into more). However, we are both extremely shy and what happened is this in a nutshell.... As we began going on dates, we always had a great time....best dates of my life. And the flirting was out of control. CLEARLY there was mutual interest. However, being so shy, neither of us ever initiated a romantic "move" (such as a kiss) and so we kind of just fell into the friend zone. BLAH. :-( Now although, it is clear to me that we both still have more than friends feelings for each other (Flirting, obvious attraction, talking a LOT, we both get somewhat jealous of the other's opposite sex friends, etc), I have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely that we will ever have a romantic relationship, as it is awkward to initiate at this point. After all, he has become my best friend by now. Here lies the problem. I think I'm in love with him. Not in lust or crushing on him, I think I am actually in love with him. I love how I can be the biggest dork in front of him and he still makes me feel like the most amazing person ever. I laugh with him more than I do anyone else in the world. I see all his flaws and love him anyways. I feel completely comfortable with who I am when I am with him. I think about him throughout the entire day every day, and in my dreams as well. I don't think he's in love with me, although I think he's interested in me. Like I said though, he'll probably never do anything about it now, as we've waited too long. And I worry about how I will feel if he were to start seeing someone new. I feel the chemistry but have this fear about ruining our friendship by bringing it up. He was into me once, but how will he respond NOW a year later I wonder? Do I say anything, amp my game up a bit...leave it? What do you think? I kind of hate to do nothing at all...how can i let him slip through my fingers when in my heart of hearts feel he is my soulmate? Even if it wasn't the results I hoped for dont I owe it to myself to find out? What do i do and how do i do it without freaking him out? I know i can always tell him anything, but this is kind of big. His ex and him are still good friends, but he says it's not more than that. Just thought id throw that in. Have no clue if its important or not, but thought i'd mention it. They have they exact same group of friends however, so it's probably not cause for concern and anyways, i trust him to be truthful.
VictorM's advice:
You HAVE to tell him, screw the possible loss of friendship. Open your mouth and speak your mind because you really have nothing to lose. If you two don't become lovers, you will cease being friends sooner or later.
Come on, being just friends with him isn't going to be pleasant. Sooner or later, either one of you will get a lover, and then what? You think your friendship will remain intact after that? Not in a million years.
And the idea that you can't be lovers just because you're good friends is totally false.
Go. Tell him! (I'll sit and wait for an update) :)
Confidential to Jenny, again
Only you can decide if he's worth it but you're right, he doesn't seem motivated at all. You might be wasting your time but why don't you give him one more try? You really have nothing to lose and it'll be easier on your mind going forward if you try again.
Just an excuse to end things?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 12, 2008
By di, 23, from mo:
I was dating a guy for 8 months. Over time he started acting differently, saying he was stressed out and tired. We fought about his lack of time for me and his lack of sex drive. He said he had too much going on in his life to have a relationship. I can understand being stressed out, but can't you make time for someone you like being with? Is is possible to have too much going on to be with someone or is that just an excuse to end things?
VictorM's answer:
It's just an excuse to end things.
By di, 23, from mo:
I was dating a guy for 8 months. Over time he started acting differently, saying he was stressed out and tired. We fought about his lack of time for me and his lack of sex drive. He said he had too much going on in his life to have a relationship. I can understand being stressed out, but can't you make time for someone you like being with? Is is possible to have too much going on to be with someone or is that just an excuse to end things?
VictorM's answer:
It's just an excuse to end things.
I gave everything to him including my virginity
Submitted on Tuesday, February 12, 2008
By Lonely, 16:
Hi. I'm very confused about a difficult situation. I had a boyfriend for over a year. I gave everything to him including my virginity as he gave me his. I am not saying that me and him are meant to be but that's why I'm so confused. He broke up with me but we still have sex almost once a week and he tells me he still loves me. He also tells me that he has giving me a 2nd chance and now I'm on my third. I don't know if he wants to be with me or if he's using me. We have our formal dance on February 23 and he asked me 3 times but backed out everytime and now he won't tell me if he's going with me or not. He says he has to think about it but now it's going a little too far with the whole dragging me along because I don't want to wait on one guy like that at my age. What do you think I should do with him? I don't want to just forget about him.
VictorM's advice:
Stop the sex and forget about him! I know you said you don't want to, but you have to.
You won't, I know. So I have no nothing else to tell you.
By Lonely, 16:
Hi. I'm very confused about a difficult situation. I had a boyfriend for over a year. I gave everything to him including my virginity as he gave me his. I am not saying that me and him are meant to be but that's why I'm so confused. He broke up with me but we still have sex almost once a week and he tells me he still loves me. He also tells me that he has giving me a 2nd chance and now I'm on my third. I don't know if he wants to be with me or if he's using me. We have our formal dance on February 23 and he asked me 3 times but backed out everytime and now he won't tell me if he's going with me or not. He says he has to think about it but now it's going a little too far with the whole dragging me along because I don't want to wait on one guy like that at my age. What do you think I should do with him? I don't want to just forget about him.
VictorM's advice:
Stop the sex and forget about him! I know you said you don't want to, but you have to.
You won't, I know. So I have no nothing else to tell you.
Sara just doesn't get it
Submitted on Tuesday, February 12, 2008
By sara, from uk:
oh my god....i don't think you could get any lower than this.....
so i was keeping him at arms length....not talking about sex with him etc...bullshit radar was on high alert...etc
anyway...we had a works do last thurs. from the minute he got up on thurs morning he was texting me asking if i was going etc. i made a joke about him getting up to sing for me (it was a karaoke do)...he said that maybe we should start dating and that he had been a brat to turn me down. (yeah whatever you just want to get in my pants..etc)
on thurs night he actually got up to sing for me...flirted with me all night...etc. we went into town together after to meet my sister and twenty mins into being in this club he left with another girl...i watched him leave with another girl from work. she had apparently gone up to him and said: 'i'm drunk and horny you're easy where do you live?'
can you believe this shit?? i know he was only after sex...but to bloody chase me all night...has chased me for the last 3 weeks...to then go and do that??
anyway...i haven't been in touch with him...haven't said a thing to him about it. but i have a dilemma....i don't want to appear like i care...and i don't want to be childish either...but should i remove him as a friend on facebook? i know that sounds pathetic...but which way is better?
thanks again!! xx
VictorM's advice:
Sara... Sara... Sara... frankly, this guy has no interest in you whatsoever. Do whatever makes you feel better without any regard to what he might think. Nothing you do will make any difference anyway.
By sara, from uk:
oh my god....i don't think you could get any lower than this.....
so i was keeping him at arms length....not talking about sex with him etc...bullshit radar was on high alert...etc
anyway...we had a works do last thurs. from the minute he got up on thurs morning he was texting me asking if i was going etc. i made a joke about him getting up to sing for me (it was a karaoke do)...he said that maybe we should start dating and that he had been a brat to turn me down. (yeah whatever you just want to get in my pants..etc)
on thurs night he actually got up to sing for me...flirted with me all night...etc. we went into town together after to meet my sister and twenty mins into being in this club he left with another girl...i watched him leave with another girl from work. she had apparently gone up to him and said: 'i'm drunk and horny you're easy where do you live?'
can you believe this shit?? i know he was only after sex...but to bloody chase me all night...has chased me for the last 3 weeks...to then go and do that??
anyway...i haven't been in touch with him...haven't said a thing to him about it. but i have a dilemma....i don't want to appear like i care...and i don't want to be childish either...but should i remove him as a friend on facebook? i know that sounds pathetic...but which way is better?
thanks again!! xx
VictorM's advice:
Sara... Sara... Sara... frankly, this guy has no interest in you whatsoever. Do whatever makes you feel better without any regard to what he might think. Nothing you do will make any difference anyway.
I wrote him a note
Submitted on Monday, February 11, 2008
By Lauren, 16, from Michigan:
I like someone who I'm sure likes me back. But I don't know how to tell him. I mean, the last time I tried to tell a guy I liked him, I wrote him a note and it all backfired because now we hardly talk. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him you like him. Guys like mystery and adventure. Keep your feelings an enigma until after he's bought you a truck or a house and is sharing his bank account with you. If you can't be that patient, at least wait for him to tell you he likes you first.
By Lauren, 16, from Michigan:
I like someone who I'm sure likes me back. But I don't know how to tell him. I mean, the last time I tried to tell a guy I liked him, I wrote him a note and it all backfired because now we hardly talk. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him you like him. Guys like mystery and adventure. Keep your feelings an enigma until after he's bought you a truck or a house and is sharing his bank account with you. If you can't be that patient, at least wait for him to tell you he likes you first.
Wondering about college guys
Submitted on Monday, February 11, 2008
By Alex, 18, from Maryland:
I'm going to college next year and I was just wondering about college guys. Are most of them just looking for a one night stand and not a solid relationship?
VictorM's advice:
For most guys, one night is even too long; a couple of hours will do.
By Alex, 18, from Maryland:
I'm going to college next year and I was just wondering about college guys. Are most of them just looking for a one night stand and not a solid relationship?
VictorM's advice:
For most guys, one night is even too long; a couple of hours will do.
He didn't want anyone to get hurt
Submitted on Monday, February 11, 2008
By Brittany, 24, from Arizona:
I am currently going through a divorce (ends 3/17) and there is this guy that I'm interested in that I have known since I was 10 and I have always had a crush on him. Well he has been talking with me via text and phone cause we live 45 minutes away and don't see each other much. I saw him for the first time in awhile the other day and we had a good time, he was teasing me and when I said something funny he would put his hand on my shoulder. We were hanging out with a group of people. I'm trying to figure out if he is interested or not. I told him by text that I was interested in getting to know him better but definitely didn't want a relationship at this time. He didn't respond, but he still continued to talk to me about other stuff. I get mixed signals from him. I also am trying to figure out what he meant by one of his text messages where I said that this other guy didn't make me smile like he does and he responded with if you only knew! I thought that was good but..I can't figure him out. I don't know if it's just given my situation with the divorce and the fact that are families are friends. He also said that he has thought about hanging out sometime but couldn't help slight awkward feeling. The other thing is that I usually initiate conversation. So I don't know. He's just throwing mixed signals all around. I told him all I wanted to know was if he was interested or not and to not worry about hurting my feelings. He won't text back to my messages about this, but will talk to me about other stuff. Also when I talked to his buddy he told me that he wasn't going to let the guy I like know he had my number cause he didn't want anyone to get hurt. So I'm just confused. I did ask him to an event, but he can't go cause he is having a procedure done and will be on crutches. (which I know this is true)
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not sending you mixed signals. He's just being friendly and sympathetic to your situation. You're the one jumping to conclusions for no good reason.
You hardly see him, he lives 45 minutes away, you're not even divorced yet, and you're already asking him if he's interested? Talk about putting the cart before the horse.
Frankly, I think you spooked him and he's avoiding you now. And I can't say that I blame him.
By Brittany, 24, from Arizona:
I am currently going through a divorce (ends 3/17) and there is this guy that I'm interested in that I have known since I was 10 and I have always had a crush on him. Well he has been talking with me via text and phone cause we live 45 minutes away and don't see each other much. I saw him for the first time in awhile the other day and we had a good time, he was teasing me and when I said something funny he would put his hand on my shoulder. We were hanging out with a group of people. I'm trying to figure out if he is interested or not. I told him by text that I was interested in getting to know him better but definitely didn't want a relationship at this time. He didn't respond, but he still continued to talk to me about other stuff. I get mixed signals from him. I also am trying to figure out what he meant by one of his text messages where I said that this other guy didn't make me smile like he does and he responded with if you only knew! I thought that was good but..I can't figure him out. I don't know if it's just given my situation with the divorce and the fact that are families are friends. He also said that he has thought about hanging out sometime but couldn't help slight awkward feeling. The other thing is that I usually initiate conversation. So I don't know. He's just throwing mixed signals all around. I told him all I wanted to know was if he was interested or not and to not worry about hurting my feelings. He won't text back to my messages about this, but will talk to me about other stuff. Also when I talked to his buddy he told me that he wasn't going to let the guy I like know he had my number cause he didn't want anyone to get hurt. So I'm just confused. I did ask him to an event, but he can't go cause he is having a procedure done and will be on crutches. (which I know this is true)
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not sending you mixed signals. He's just being friendly and sympathetic to your situation. You're the one jumping to conclusions for no good reason.
You hardly see him, he lives 45 minutes away, you're not even divorced yet, and you're already asking him if he's interested? Talk about putting the cart before the horse.
Frankly, I think you spooked him and he's avoiding you now. And I can't say that I blame him.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
It's been a month now and still now word
Submitted on Monday, February 11, 2008
By Dawn, 25, from Canada:
First of all, I LOVE your forum and I think it's great what you're doing. Ok, so I recently took a course at college and I had this REALLY SWEET, and very HOT instructor, for obvious reasons I couldn't ask him out. So after the program was over we went for coffee a couple of times or just hooked up and hung out. Nothing sexual, just friends. Although there was some tension but I was afraid of his reaction.
So, he gets a new job and is moving away :(. I go over to his place one night and things get pretty intense, we kissed and well you know what happens next. He's really sweet about it, (I came onto him) and he asks if I'm ok with everything, because I know and he knows he is leaving. Yeah, well I don't want a relationship and neither does he. So he texts me and calls and then when he moves away, he emails me and says as soon as he reaches his destination he'll send me his number. Okay, so it's been a month now and still now word, other then he's there and everything's ok. I'm soooo confused. I just want to be friends right now, and I really thought we we're hitting it off pretty good. Now I don't know what's up, I've emailed twice, but got no response. Should I just give up, even on being friends, or have I read things all wrong?
Confused????
VictorM's advice:
"I just want to be friends right now." He's not stupid. He knows you eventually want more. It seems he's not interested in anything further with you, now or later. Take a hint.
By Dawn, 25, from Canada:
First of all, I LOVE your forum and I think it's great what you're doing. Ok, so I recently took a course at college and I had this REALLY SWEET, and very HOT instructor, for obvious reasons I couldn't ask him out. So after the program was over we went for coffee a couple of times or just hooked up and hung out. Nothing sexual, just friends. Although there was some tension but I was afraid of his reaction.
So, he gets a new job and is moving away :(. I go over to his place one night and things get pretty intense, we kissed and well you know what happens next. He's really sweet about it, (I came onto him) and he asks if I'm ok with everything, because I know and he knows he is leaving. Yeah, well I don't want a relationship and neither does he. So he texts me and calls and then when he moves away, he emails me and says as soon as he reaches his destination he'll send me his number. Okay, so it's been a month now and still now word, other then he's there and everything's ok. I'm soooo confused. I just want to be friends right now, and I really thought we we're hitting it off pretty good. Now I don't know what's up, I've emailed twice, but got no response. Should I just give up, even on being friends, or have I read things all wrong?
Confused????
VictorM's advice:
"I just want to be friends right now." He's not stupid. He knows you eventually want more. It seems he's not interested in anything further with you, now or later. Take a hint.
Valentine's Day plans
By: SpringfieldGirl, 32, from Springfield:
My boyfriend hasn't mentioned Valentine's day or made plans with me. He lives 45 minutes away. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't wait for the day to pass and then just complain about it. If the day is so important to you, do something about it. Call him and say you'd like to plan something with him.
My boyfriend hasn't mentioned Valentine's day or made plans with me. He lives 45 minutes away. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't wait for the day to pass and then just complain about it. If the day is so important to you, do something about it. Call him and say you'd like to plan something with him.
Was that too forward?
Submitted on Monday, February 11, 2008
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
hi vic, ok got a new guy question for you. i left the last one alone, he's a weirdo! ok, there's a guy that comes to parties in my flat and we've kissed a few times before. he's 3 years younger than me and we text now and again. i'm fed up waiting on him making a move so i text him saying i thought he was cute and he said that's good as he thinks i'm a stunning looking girl, so i text him saying well you'll need to come to the flat and see me then lol but he didnt reply. that was a day ago. where do i go from here, was that too forward? i was just hinting i wanted to take things further as he knows me and i dont just sleep with everyone or anything. hmm. i'm not sure what to do here.
VictorM's advice:
One day? A bit impatient, aren't you?
Most guys like to chase a girl. They like a challenge. With one text message you killed both motivators. All that's left is an almost guaranteed sexual encounter. But guys know there's no such thing as a free lunch. You'll want something in return. He's pondering if it's worth it. It may take more than one day to decide.
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
hi vic, ok got a new guy question for you. i left the last one alone, he's a weirdo! ok, there's a guy that comes to parties in my flat and we've kissed a few times before. he's 3 years younger than me and we text now and again. i'm fed up waiting on him making a move so i text him saying i thought he was cute and he said that's good as he thinks i'm a stunning looking girl, so i text him saying well you'll need to come to the flat and see me then lol but he didnt reply. that was a day ago. where do i go from here, was that too forward? i was just hinting i wanted to take things further as he knows me and i dont just sleep with everyone or anything. hmm. i'm not sure what to do here.
VictorM's advice:
One day? A bit impatient, aren't you?
Most guys like to chase a girl. They like a challenge. With one text message you killed both motivators. All that's left is an almost guaranteed sexual encounter. But guys know there's no such thing as a free lunch. You'll want something in return. He's pondering if it's worth it. It may take more than one day to decide.
He flirts with me a lot and everything
Submitted on Sunday, February 10, 2008
By Janine, 12, from Bkln, NY:
ok... so first off there's this 17 year old guy that i really like/love i'm not really sure, during the summer, he flirts with me a lot and everything. he calls me his wifey and says i love you or mouth that all the time. then he changed in a good way and proved to me that he really loves me. we started chatting on aim for hours straight and was always there for each other but he feels like i don't show him that i really love him like talking to him in front of other people, but im just scared that an adult might come around like the pastor because once, we were outside the church at night, and the pastor went past us and i felt awkward, then he gave me his jacket cuz it was sorta awfully cold and stuff and i got sorta embarassed when his friends were calling him thru the window. since we always see each other in church, we don't really have much time but he leaves me reassuring txt messages every morning. but then we sorta gone thru a series of problems and he believes i only like him and he's gonna wait for me till im older but whenever i see him, i don't know what i should do, it's like we barely communicate, even his friend started talking to me about what's happening between me and him and he told me that since im still young, that was a good decision. i just want to be back with him but im just scared to confront him and will things ever work out again? cuz he doesn't even know what he should feel for me anymore....
VictorM's advice:
You're both putting too much pressure on each other trying to decide if you just like or love each other. It's too soon for that. Instead, try to talk to him about other things, stuff that you both are into, like video games, music, movies, whatever. Stay close just by being good friends.
You shouldn't be thinking of much more than friendship now because 5 years difference is a lot at your ages. Your interests are likely to change and get further apart. Plus soon he'll be 18 and you 13. He can get into a lot of problems with the law if you two become more than just friendly.
By Janine, 12, from Bkln, NY:
ok... so first off there's this 17 year old guy that i really like/love i'm not really sure, during the summer, he flirts with me a lot and everything. he calls me his wifey and says i love you or mouth that all the time. then he changed in a good way and proved to me that he really loves me. we started chatting on aim for hours straight and was always there for each other but he feels like i don't show him that i really love him like talking to him in front of other people, but im just scared that an adult might come around like the pastor because once, we were outside the church at night, and the pastor went past us and i felt awkward, then he gave me his jacket cuz it was sorta awfully cold and stuff and i got sorta embarassed when his friends were calling him thru the window. since we always see each other in church, we don't really have much time but he leaves me reassuring txt messages every morning. but then we sorta gone thru a series of problems and he believes i only like him and he's gonna wait for me till im older but whenever i see him, i don't know what i should do, it's like we barely communicate, even his friend started talking to me about what's happening between me and him and he told me that since im still young, that was a good decision. i just want to be back with him but im just scared to confront him and will things ever work out again? cuz he doesn't even know what he should feel for me anymore....
VictorM's advice:
You're both putting too much pressure on each other trying to decide if you just like or love each other. It's too soon for that. Instead, try to talk to him about other things, stuff that you both are into, like video games, music, movies, whatever. Stay close just by being good friends.
You shouldn't be thinking of much more than friendship now because 5 years difference is a lot at your ages. Your interests are likely to change and get further apart. Plus soon he'll be 18 and you 13. He can get into a lot of problems with the law if you two become more than just friendly.
I was married
Submitted on Sunday, February 10, 2008
By carol, 41, from key west:
I liked this guy for many years and he knows it, but I was married, he has asked my friend if I am still married. I he interested?
VictorM's answer:
Impossible to tell from that question. He could just be curious.
By carol, 41, from key west:
I liked this guy for many years and he knows it, but I was married, he has asked my friend if I am still married. I he interested?
VictorM's answer:
Impossible to tell from that question. He could just be curious.
We have managed to be friendly
Submitted on Sunday, February 10, 2008
By Lucy, 30:
My ex-boyfriend's birthday is coming up. We've been apart for about a year, but now we have managed to be friendly to each other again. He's always the one who initiates the communication and he does so regularly. Secretly, I still want him to come back. (We drifted apart during the 4-year relationship). However, I do not want to look needy. Anyway, should I greet him on his birthday? Is there a way I could make him come back to me?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, send him a birthday greeting.
I understand about you not wanting to appear needy, but at the same time, you have to send him some signal that you'd like a reconciliation.
You can't make him come back but you can let him know that you would like that. Sure, you could wind up with egg on your face, but if that is a concern, then you don't like him enough.
By Lucy, 30:
My ex-boyfriend's birthday is coming up. We've been apart for about a year, but now we have managed to be friendly to each other again. He's always the one who initiates the communication and he does so regularly. Secretly, I still want him to come back. (We drifted apart during the 4-year relationship). However, I do not want to look needy. Anyway, should I greet him on his birthday? Is there a way I could make him come back to me?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, send him a birthday greeting.
I understand about you not wanting to appear needy, but at the same time, you have to send him some signal that you'd like a reconciliation.
You can't make him come back but you can let him know that you would like that. Sure, you could wind up with egg on your face, but if that is a concern, then you don't like him enough.
I met him at a prom
Submitted on Sunday, February 10, 2008
By Daniella, 14:
There's this guy that's really cool and I met him at a prom. We danced and had fun but after we talked and I kind of messed up. I thought that he liked me but he didn't ask for my cell so I told my cousin, who was his friend to ask for his cell. I sent him a message and we started talking but after a week we stopped. Now I've got a prom and my cousin is going to bring him when he comes. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You didn't mess up. You did fine.
When you see him, greet him nicely, say something corny like "long time no talk" smile and ask how he has been. That's it. All the planets will be aligned after that and the world will be spared another calamity. :)
By Daniella, 14:
There's this guy that's really cool and I met him at a prom. We danced and had fun but after we talked and I kind of messed up. I thought that he liked me but he didn't ask for my cell so I told my cousin, who was his friend to ask for his cell. I sent him a message and we started talking but after a week we stopped. Now I've got a prom and my cousin is going to bring him when he comes. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You didn't mess up. You did fine.
When you see him, greet him nicely, say something corny like "long time no talk" smile and ask how he has been. That's it. All the planets will be aligned after that and the world will be spared another calamity. :)
He wants to get into a relationship but I don't
Submitted on Saturday, February 09, 2008
By Kristy, 18, from Florida:
I have a really good friend of mine who I talk to a lot and hang out with and I feel like sometimes he wants to get into a relationship but I don't. I have made it clear and I think he is starting to pick up on it. Recently at a get together I met his cousin and I had some feelings for him. I thought he was pretty attractive and seemed to be a really nice guy. We didn't exchange any number or anything but I really want to get in contact with him. Later that week, my friend and I were talking and he told me his cousin thought I was pretty cool and said that he said hi to me. I want to ask my friend if he would be able to give me his cousin's information like his number but I don't want him to feel like I am just using him to get to his cousin and I don't want him to feel awkward about it. Do you kinda understand what I am saying? I just want to be able to get in contact with his cousin.
VictorM's advice:
You wouldn't be using your friend. You haven't become his friend just to get the information -- that would be using him. He can always tell you that he won't do it. That's his choice, of course. But since he passed on to you that his cousin thought you were cool, doesn't sound like he'll be upset if information goes the other way.
If you have no other way to get the information, ask your friend. Guys aren't nearly as melodramatic about stuff like this as girls. Might he get hurt? Sure. But you have been straight with him. You're not responsible for his reaction.
Go for it.
By Kristy, 18, from Florida:
I have a really good friend of mine who I talk to a lot and hang out with and I feel like sometimes he wants to get into a relationship but I don't. I have made it clear and I think he is starting to pick up on it. Recently at a get together I met his cousin and I had some feelings for him. I thought he was pretty attractive and seemed to be a really nice guy. We didn't exchange any number or anything but I really want to get in contact with him. Later that week, my friend and I were talking and he told me his cousin thought I was pretty cool and said that he said hi to me. I want to ask my friend if he would be able to give me his cousin's information like his number but I don't want him to feel like I am just using him to get to his cousin and I don't want him to feel awkward about it. Do you kinda understand what I am saying? I just want to be able to get in contact with his cousin.
VictorM's advice:
You wouldn't be using your friend. You haven't become his friend just to get the information -- that would be using him. He can always tell you that he won't do it. That's his choice, of course. But since he passed on to you that his cousin thought you were cool, doesn't sound like he'll be upset if information goes the other way.
If you have no other way to get the information, ask your friend. Guys aren't nearly as melodramatic about stuff like this as girls. Might he get hurt? Sure. But you have been straight with him. You're not responsible for his reaction.
Go for it.
Kate, from Boston
Submitted on Saturday, February 09, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
Hey Victor
I got your response to my last question, but it seems like you didn't understand the question I asked, or I didn't explain it clearly. You suggested that he had moved on to another crush, but the thing is, my friend never liked me as more than a friend. He is a pretty mature guy for his age and does not hop from friend to friend each month, to whomever fits his fancy. I was wondering if there was any way to become as good friends as we were before, or if the rumors ruined all chances of that, and if yes, is there any way for me to make this happen sooner rather than later. I apologize if you understood what I was saying and I just misinterpreted. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
I think I understood your question. The comment about you getting another crush was a joke because I have said before that I think you have lots of crushes. Bad joke, maybe?
Friends move on for a variety of reasons. It could have been the rumors, but it could just have been the natural evolution of people. As we age we change our interests and who we want to spend time with.
I think it's out of your hands, really. You can't force him to be your friend like he was. Could he come back still? Yes. Don't give up but don't hold your breath either.
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
Hey Victor
I got your response to my last question, but it seems like you didn't understand the question I asked, or I didn't explain it clearly. You suggested that he had moved on to another crush, but the thing is, my friend never liked me as more than a friend. He is a pretty mature guy for his age and does not hop from friend to friend each month, to whomever fits his fancy. I was wondering if there was any way to become as good friends as we were before, or if the rumors ruined all chances of that, and if yes, is there any way for me to make this happen sooner rather than later. I apologize if you understood what I was saying and I just misinterpreted. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
I think I understood your question. The comment about you getting another crush was a joke because I have said before that I think you have lots of crushes. Bad joke, maybe?
Friends move on for a variety of reasons. It could have been the rumors, but it could just have been the natural evolution of people. As we age we change our interests and who we want to spend time with.
I think it's out of your hands, really. You can't force him to be your friend like he was. Could he come back still? Yes. Don't give up but don't hold your breath either.
He thinks I'm sexy
Submitted on Saturday, February 09, 2008
By KikI, 17, from California:
Hi um.. ok so this boy says that he likes me and he thinks I'm sexy but he says he's not ready for a relationship because he doesn't want to be committed to one girl right now. People keep saying wait for him to come to me but I'm tired of waiting. And my friend caught him making out with a girl in a fast food place and he said that's the reason he doesn't want a relationship. But the other day my friend said she was going to ask this boy out and he said that's what he wants a girl to do not wait around for the boy to ask them out and i was with him when he said that. So should I just become like his best friend (yes we are friends and we do hang) with out benefits or with? And what do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
I posted this answer before, but in case you didn't see it, here it is:
You're into "the one" and he's into "the many". Not a good match. Besides, his statement that he wants the girl to ask is nothing more than another way of boosting his ego. It's just a game.
Stay purely friends. This way you have a better chance with him in the future. Once the "benefits" enter the picture, you're unlikely to ever be serious girlfriend material in his eyes.
By KikI, 17, from California:
Hi um.. ok so this boy says that he likes me and he thinks I'm sexy but he says he's not ready for a relationship because he doesn't want to be committed to one girl right now. People keep saying wait for him to come to me but I'm tired of waiting. And my friend caught him making out with a girl in a fast food place and he said that's the reason he doesn't want a relationship. But the other day my friend said she was going to ask this boy out and he said that's what he wants a girl to do not wait around for the boy to ask them out and i was with him when he said that. So should I just become like his best friend (yes we are friends and we do hang) with out benefits or with? And what do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
I posted this answer before, but in case you didn't see it, here it is:
You're into "the one" and he's into "the many". Not a good match. Besides, his statement that he wants the girl to ask is nothing more than another way of boosting his ego. It's just a game.
Stay purely friends. This way you have a better chance with him in the future. Once the "benefits" enter the picture, you're unlikely to ever be serious girlfriend material in his eyes.
I was married before
Submitted on Saturday, February 09, 2008
By Harleygrl76, 32, from NY:
I am dating a guy now for about a month and I was married before. He asked me the other night if I would ever get remarried. What does it mean when a guy asks a girl that questions?
VictorM's answer:
It doesn't have to mean anything, really. Seems to me like the type of question that is natural to ask. It can be small talk, curiosity, or maybe clarifying something he might have misunderstood. You can get that question from someone you're dating, from a friend, a coworker or anybody else.
Don't bother to read anything into it because even if means anything, you still wouldn't know what. He could be asking because he sees himself marrying you, or because he seems himself running for the hills if you say yes.
You're dating him for one month, for crying out loud, avoid the "m" thought for a while.
I am dating a guy now for about a month and I was married before. He asked me the other night if I would ever get remarried. What does it mean when a guy asks a girl that questions?
VictorM's answer:
It doesn't have to mean anything, really. Seems to me like the type of question that is natural to ask. It can be small talk, curiosity, or maybe clarifying something he might have misunderstood. You can get that question from someone you're dating, from a friend, a coworker or anybody else.
Don't bother to read anything into it because even if means anything, you still wouldn't know what. He could be asking because he sees himself marrying you, or because he seems himself running for the hills if you say yes.
You're dating him for one month, for crying out loud, avoid the "m" thought for a while.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
We have a totally inappropriate relationship
Submitted on Saturday, February 09, 2008
By Lynn, 25, from Burgh:
Hello, I am writing to you in sheer desperation. I have been friends with this man for almost a year and we have a totally inappropriate relationship. We claim to be only friends but we talk and act otherwise in each other's company. Due to his job, he does have a crazy schedule but I totally get that and understand it. He has some past relationship issues he is working throught but I need to know when enough is enough. The tension between us is crazy sexually or otherwise. Am I deranged chick trying to do something that isn't there or do I keep up the fight and eventually will break the code. I am looking for any thing you can give me. We chat 5 or so times a week. What do I do? Is this a friendship or something more!! Well let me know what you think!!!
VictorM's advice:
The term for what you have is "friends with benefits." That is, for all intents and purposes you are friends (meaning, no responsibilities to each other and no commitments) but you also have sex.
There's nothing deranged about it, and whether it's inappropriate is left up to interpretation. It's not at all uncommon these days.
For guys, it's a nice gig if we can get it. My guess is that he's happy with the arrangement and sees no need to change it. It's not to say he won't want to be your boyfriend, but why do it if he doesn't have to?
The only deranged thing about it is for you to do nothing if you're not happy with the situation. Just clarify in your head what you want and then tell him.
By Lynn, 25, from Burgh:
Hello, I am writing to you in sheer desperation. I have been friends with this man for almost a year and we have a totally inappropriate relationship. We claim to be only friends but we talk and act otherwise in each other's company. Due to his job, he does have a crazy schedule but I totally get that and understand it. He has some past relationship issues he is working throught but I need to know when enough is enough. The tension between us is crazy sexually or otherwise. Am I deranged chick trying to do something that isn't there or do I keep up the fight and eventually will break the code. I am looking for any thing you can give me. We chat 5 or so times a week. What do I do? Is this a friendship or something more!! Well let me know what you think!!!
VictorM's advice:
The term for what you have is "friends with benefits." That is, for all intents and purposes you are friends (meaning, no responsibilities to each other and no commitments) but you also have sex.
There's nothing deranged about it, and whether it's inappropriate is left up to interpretation. It's not at all uncommon these days.
For guys, it's a nice gig if we can get it. My guess is that he's happy with the arrangement and sees no need to change it. It's not to say he won't want to be your boyfriend, but why do it if he doesn't have to?
The only deranged thing about it is for you to do nothing if you're not happy with the situation. Just clarify in your head what you want and then tell him.
He's acting like he never has before
Submitted on Saturday, February 09, 2008
By Jill, 29, from New Hampshire:
I've been friends with this guy for a while. We would talk or hang out a few times a year, get advice from each other about our respective relationships. Lately he's acting like he never has before. He insists on paying when we go out, and he calls me almost everyday just to ask how my day was, he tries to prolong the conversations by talking about day to day stuff. He also compliments me all the time. He's in the military and asked me to go with him to a formal military ball. Am I reading too much into this or is he interested in more than friendship?
VictorM's advice:
This is what can happen when you let a relationship grow on its own. Sounds like he's getting more into you the more he knows you. I don't think you're reading too much into it.
By Jill, 29, from New Hampshire:
I've been friends with this guy for a while. We would talk or hang out a few times a year, get advice from each other about our respective relationships. Lately he's acting like he never has before. He insists on paying when we go out, and he calls me almost everyday just to ask how my day was, he tries to prolong the conversations by talking about day to day stuff. He also compliments me all the time. He's in the military and asked me to go with him to a formal military ball. Am I reading too much into this or is he interested in more than friendship?
VictorM's advice:
This is what can happen when you let a relationship grow on its own. Sounds like he's getting more into you the more he knows you. I don't think you're reading too much into it.
Why stay in touch with me?
Submitted on Friday, February 08, 2008
By heln, 32, from oxfordshire:
I just need some clarification. I think I know the answer but I'm rather confused. OK, I go on a couple of dates and we click really well. Guy says he wants to see how thing go. Next thing I know he has met someone else but stil wants to be friends. He speaks to me reguarly by email and msn, mentions if he was single he would be with me quite often but then goes quiet for a few days, then gets in touch again. Same old thing. What exactly is he playing? I know deep down I should probably just move on but if he is not interested why stay in touch with me?
VictorM's advice:
He's not interested in your romantically, but he likes you as a friend, which is why he stays in touch with you on and off.
By heln, 32, from oxfordshire:
I just need some clarification. I think I know the answer but I'm rather confused. OK, I go on a couple of dates and we click really well. Guy says he wants to see how thing go. Next thing I know he has met someone else but stil wants to be friends. He speaks to me reguarly by email and msn, mentions if he was single he would be with me quite often but then goes quiet for a few days, then gets in touch again. Same old thing. What exactly is he playing? I know deep down I should probably just move on but if he is not interested why stay in touch with me?
VictorM's advice:
He's not interested in your romantically, but he likes you as a friend, which is why he stays in touch with you on and off.
Responding privately to questions
I was asked: "Is it possible to 'ask a real guy' in a more private setting than in front of everyone?"
Sorry, I don't respond via email.
If you don't want a question and answer posted here, you can join our forum, register (you'll have to wait for a confirmation email, which may take several hours) and then use the ARGville forum's Personal Messages (PM system) to ask me a question. This way, only you and I will see the contents of our messages.
Sorry, I don't respond via email.
If you don't want a question and answer posted here, you can join our forum, register (you'll have to wait for a confirmation email, which may take several hours) and then use the ARGville forum's Personal Messages (PM system) to ask me a question. This way, only you and I will see the contents of our messages.
There are actually several different ways to start a new personal message, but all require you to be logged in:
- You can follow the link that says something like 'Hey, [username], you have x messages, x are new', then click the New Message button in your inbox.
- You can click another member's name, followed by Send this member a personal message from his/her profile summary screen.
- You can start a new message direct by clicking the IM on/offline icon from the user info accompanying all of his/her posts.
- You can start a new message direct by clicking the PM on/offline icon from the Current Status in his/her profile summary screen. (This icon/link is often duplicated in the user info described above.)
He said that he wants to be selfish
Submitted on Thursday, February 07, 2008
By Marie, 35, from pennsylvania:
Several months ago I met a man from a dating website. We hit it off. He is very handsome, successful, he has kids and is going through a divorce. All of this equals being very busy. He texts me romantic, sensual messages that shows how passionate he is for me. With all that is going on in his life and mine (I, too, have a child...not to mention a busy work schedule) we struggle to find time to see each other. We have such amazing chemistry that I don't want to let go. Conversation is always great. I asked him what he was thinking about everything so that I would be able to know how much of myself I can allow to give. He said that he wants to be selfish but didn't know if it would be fair to me because he has so much going on in his life. He said that he didn't realize that it would all happen so quickly but that I captivate him. I know that he is attracted to me and I am extremely attracted to him. He is not seeing anyone else because he just doesn't have the time. For me, it is more than just a physical thing, as it is for many women. I would wait for him because I think he is worth waiting for but should I keep dating other men? I really don't want to date other men. My girlfriend said that he's not into me or he would make time but what if he really just has so much on his plate with his demanding job and kids who need his attention?
VictorM's advice:
"should I keep dating other men? I really don't want to date other men."
You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do.
That doesn't mean your girlfriend his wrong.
Be careful. Guys in his situation are notorious for being captivated easily. Depending on the cause of the divorce, they are eager to get healed. What better way than to find someone else to sooth the pain? So, yes, you're captivating and he's passionate in his text messages to you. And I bet he means all of it too. But if you're putting a lot of stock into all of that, you're getting yourself way ahead of reality.
He's going to need more time to sort out his emotions. He needs to get over what brought him to where he is. It's not uncommon for a man going through a divorce to initially treat the next woman the way he thinks he should have treated his ex. Are those passionate text messages really for you? Don't be so quick to think so.
He's decided he needs to be selfish. That's smart.
So... ""should I keep dating other men?" I don't know. I just think you should be selfish too, whatever that means to you.
By Marie, 35, from pennsylvania:
Several months ago I met a man from a dating website. We hit it off. He is very handsome, successful, he has kids and is going through a divorce. All of this equals being very busy. He texts me romantic, sensual messages that shows how passionate he is for me. With all that is going on in his life and mine (I, too, have a child...not to mention a busy work schedule) we struggle to find time to see each other. We have such amazing chemistry that I don't want to let go. Conversation is always great. I asked him what he was thinking about everything so that I would be able to know how much of myself I can allow to give. He said that he wants to be selfish but didn't know if it would be fair to me because he has so much going on in his life. He said that he didn't realize that it would all happen so quickly but that I captivate him. I know that he is attracted to me and I am extremely attracted to him. He is not seeing anyone else because he just doesn't have the time. For me, it is more than just a physical thing, as it is for many women. I would wait for him because I think he is worth waiting for but should I keep dating other men? I really don't want to date other men. My girlfriend said that he's not into me or he would make time but what if he really just has so much on his plate with his demanding job and kids who need his attention?
VictorM's advice:
"should I keep dating other men? I really don't want to date other men."
You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do.
That doesn't mean your girlfriend his wrong.
Be careful. Guys in his situation are notorious for being captivated easily. Depending on the cause of the divorce, they are eager to get healed. What better way than to find someone else to sooth the pain? So, yes, you're captivating and he's passionate in his text messages to you. And I bet he means all of it too. But if you're putting a lot of stock into all of that, you're getting yourself way ahead of reality.
He's going to need more time to sort out his emotions. He needs to get over what brought him to where he is. It's not uncommon for a man going through a divorce to initially treat the next woman the way he thinks he should have treated his ex. Are those passionate text messages really for you? Don't be so quick to think so.
He's decided he needs to be selfish. That's smart.
So... ""should I keep dating other men?" I don't know. I just think you should be selfish too, whatever that means to you.
My ex-boyfriend is back in my hometown
Submitted on Thursday, February 07, 2008
By Tiffany, 22, from Athens:
I'm in another city and my ex-boyfriend is back in my hometown. He wants to come and spend the weekend with me. The drive from where I stay from our hometown is about 3 hours. When he comes up he's going to introduce me to his friends and we are going out. He wanted to come this weekend but my cousin is visiting me so I could meet his girlfriend. My concern is why does my ex-boyfriend want to come SPEND AN ENTIRE WEEKEND with me? Is it to get back with me and possibly start over or is it just for sex? I'm hoping it's not for sex. The drive would be a waste.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he wants to get back together, but if he did, he could have talked about it with you over the phone. And he's coming with buddies? Sounds like he's coming to play, not to get serious.
Pack some condoms!
By Tiffany, 22, from Athens:
I'm in another city and my ex-boyfriend is back in my hometown. He wants to come and spend the weekend with me. The drive from where I stay from our hometown is about 3 hours. When he comes up he's going to introduce me to his friends and we are going out. He wanted to come this weekend but my cousin is visiting me so I could meet his girlfriend. My concern is why does my ex-boyfriend want to come SPEND AN ENTIRE WEEKEND with me? Is it to get back with me and possibly start over or is it just for sex? I'm hoping it's not for sex. The drive would be a waste.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he wants to get back together, but if he did, he could have talked about it with you over the phone. And he's coming with buddies? Sounds like he's coming to play, not to get serious.
Pack some condoms!
He won't stop flirting with other girls
Submitted on Thursday, February 07, 2008
By Samantha, 22, from Indiana:
I have a boyfriend I've been with for almost 2 years and he won't stop flirting with other girls and I don't think I can take it anymore...He works late night in a restaurant and all the women say he flirts constantly spanking people with towels and hugging LOTS of hugging anywhere we go. Sometimes it's women he works with that I don't even know. I tried telling him how I feel and that did nothing. He defends his actions and ignores me. I love him and this is the only major problem I have with him. What can I do??? Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Given that you love him and this is the only "major problem", it sounds like you're the one with a problem*, not him. Since you can't change him, here are your choices: dump him, embrace his behavior as harmless fun, or suffer the consequences of his actions.
Somehow, I think you're going to choose suffering.
Oh well... see, that was easy.
I would have told you to do any of the other two, but you wouldn't listen anyway.
* I say you're the one with the problem because you're in denial. His behavior represents much more than one problem. His flirting means he has no respect for you (and certainly not for the other women), he's not concerned about your feelings, and it probably means he's not nearly as much into you as you are into him. If his flirting is that flagrant, even after you expressed your feelings, you'd probably let him piss in your face and call it perfume.
By Samantha, 22, from Indiana:
I have a boyfriend I've been with for almost 2 years and he won't stop flirting with other girls and I don't think I can take it anymore...He works late night in a restaurant and all the women say he flirts constantly spanking people with towels and hugging LOTS of hugging anywhere we go. Sometimes it's women he works with that I don't even know. I tried telling him how I feel and that did nothing. He defends his actions and ignores me. I love him and this is the only major problem I have with him. What can I do??? Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Given that you love him and this is the only "major problem", it sounds like you're the one with a problem*, not him. Since you can't change him, here are your choices: dump him, embrace his behavior as harmless fun, or suffer the consequences of his actions.
Somehow, I think you're going to choose suffering.
Oh well... see, that was easy.
I would have told you to do any of the other two, but you wouldn't listen anyway.
* I say you're the one with the problem because you're in denial. His behavior represents much more than one problem. His flirting means he has no respect for you (and certainly not for the other women), he's not concerned about your feelings, and it probably means he's not nearly as much into you as you are into him. If his flirting is that flagrant, even after you expressed your feelings, you'd probably let him piss in your face and call it perfume.
Why doesn't he just leave me alone?
Submitted on Thursday, February 07, 2008
By sara, from Uk:
hello me again!! well was in no contact with that guy for about a month....and then he got back in touch as you know....and now he's messaging me everyday from the minute he gets up till he goes to bed?!? I'm responding....cos i do like the guy. He does try talking about sex but I change the subject....have told him again about what i want....i.e...more than casual sex. he said that he's not going to let me or any woman get close to him for a long long time. (bullshit right??)
last night he sent me a message with his number...i text him to say didn't someone wise tell me that it was for my benefit that he didn't have my number anymore ;-) tonight i'm going out for a works do and he's going to be there....he's already joked about us 'hooking up' after.
i know i want more....and its clear he doesn't....but why doesn't he just leave me alone?? i don't initiate any contact with him at all....i don't let the talk go round to sex etc...but i don't want things to be awkward in work either....
thank you!!
VictorM's advice:
You are right. His statement about not letting any woman get close to him is bullshit. What he means is: he doesn't want a relationship with YOU!
He wants you for sex, nothing more. It was that way before, it's still that way. You want more but he doesn't. And he doesn't leave you alone because he liked having sex with you and now you're a challenge. Sex is all he's after. And guys can be relentless about that. And the way you continue to respond let's him think he stands a chance.
hello me again!! well was in no contact with that guy for about a month....and then he got back in touch as you know....and now he's messaging me everyday from the minute he gets up till he goes to bed?!? I'm responding....cos i do like the guy. He does try talking about sex but I change the subject....have told him again about what i want....i.e...more than casual sex. he said that he's not going to let me or any woman get close to him for a long long time. (bullshit right??)
last night he sent me a message with his number...i text him to say didn't someone wise tell me that it was for my benefit that he didn't have my number anymore ;-) tonight i'm going out for a works do and he's going to be there....he's already joked about us 'hooking up' after.
i know i want more....and its clear he doesn't....but why doesn't he just leave me alone?? i don't initiate any contact with him at all....i don't let the talk go round to sex etc...but i don't want things to be awkward in work either....
thank you!!
VictorM's advice:
You are right. His statement about not letting any woman get close to him is bullshit. What he means is: he doesn't want a relationship with YOU!
He wants you for sex, nothing more. It was that way before, it's still that way. You want more but he doesn't. And he doesn't leave you alone because he liked having sex with you and now you're a challenge. Sex is all he's after. And guys can be relentless about that. And the way you continue to respond let's him think he stands a chance.
I was a virgin until then
Submitted on Thursday, February 07, 2008
By CURLY SUE, 26, from CAPE TOWN:
Your colleagues are just telling you what you want to hear.
I have been flirting with this guy since September last year and we had sex in November for the first time; I was a virgin until then. He has a girlfriend of three years and I would like to know if he is interested in me on a romantic level or if he just wants sex. He has this way of looking at me like he is in love with me. Even my colleagues noticed it.
VictorM's advice:
You just flirted for a while and jumped right into sex all the while he kept his girlfriend and you think you see love in his look? I would be very surprised if love is involved. I'd bet that look is lust.Your colleagues are just telling you what you want to hear.
Confidential to Jenny
Call him and asking him to meet you for coffee or something. Make it light and fluffy, something like: "It's about time we do something that doesn't involved school work."
And don't worry so much about being played. It's not as bad as not even trying.
And don't worry so much about being played. It's not as bad as not even trying.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Away for the weekend
I'm away for the weekend. I should be able to post Questions and Answers by Monday. Until then, have a great weekend.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
He always asks to work with me, part 2
Submitted on Wednesday, February 06, 2008
By Jenny, 21, from Orlando, Fl:
Hi, I hope you remember me from a couple of days ago... so I had to contact him through email and this was our conversation:
ME: Hey Jake!
My phone broke and since you don't use facebook I need your number through email. How have you been? Your excessive calls really kept us in touch. Thanks to you, I did super well on the P Chem exam so I'm extremely happy!
HIM: Good job with P Chem, thats awesome. Sorry about your phone, and my number is [his number].
I've been told by some friends that he is somewhat stressed out lately. What should I do next? Currently, my life is going great. I've been hangout w/ friends etc. but I want to understand him because I like him to a certain extent. Please explain this male behavior.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he knew you were some kind of a genius and sough your help at school. But he gave you his phone number now, who knows why, but maybe he'd like you to call him. So call him to meet for coffee or dinner. What have you got to lose? Nothing.
You actually said: "Your excessive calls..."? I hope he took it as a joke.
By Jenny, 21, from Orlando, Fl:
Hi, I hope you remember me from a couple of days ago... so I had to contact him through email and this was our conversation:
ME: Hey Jake!
My phone broke and since you don't use facebook I need your number through email. How have you been? Your excessive calls really kept us in touch. Thanks to you, I did super well on the P Chem exam so I'm extremely happy!
HIM: Good job with P Chem, thats awesome. Sorry about your phone, and my number is [his number].
I've been told by some friends that he is somewhat stressed out lately. What should I do next? Currently, my life is going great. I've been hangout w/ friends etc. but I want to understand him because I like him to a certain extent. Please explain this male behavior.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he knew you were some kind of a genius and sough your help at school. But he gave you his phone number now, who knows why, but maybe he'd like you to call him. So call him to meet for coffee or dinner. What have you got to lose? Nothing.
You actually said: "Your excessive calls..."? I hope he took it as a joke.
Can we be friends AND sleep together?
Submitted on Wednesday, February 06, 2008
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
hey vic, how are you? long time no speak :) ok ok i'll get to the point and stop being a woman and ranting. I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months now. We hang around in a big group of guys and girls and we usually end up in bed together but I know he's seeing other girls and I occasionally saw other guys which was fine. He's 20 and I'm 23 and he's hot, got money cars etc. he's a catch. We are good friends and always have a laugh together with our other mates but if he invites a girl up and goes away with her I don't bother, but if a guy texts me or I go away to meet someone else he acts abruptly and goes home. I thought we had this arrangement sorted but it's made me think: can we be friends AND sleep together??
VictorM's advice:
Lindsey! Welcome back. I thought you had abandoned me. :)
If I remember correctly, you have written before about this guy.
Of course you can be friends and sleep together. You have been doing it, haven't you? So he gets upset and goes home sometimes. So what? He comes back, doesn't he? It's not like you have your sights on anything more than friendship anyway. Right?
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
hey vic, how are you? long time no speak :) ok ok i'll get to the point and stop being a woman and ranting. I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months now. We hang around in a big group of guys and girls and we usually end up in bed together but I know he's seeing other girls and I occasionally saw other guys which was fine. He's 20 and I'm 23 and he's hot, got money cars etc. he's a catch. We are good friends and always have a laugh together with our other mates but if he invites a girl up and goes away with her I don't bother, but if a guy texts me or I go away to meet someone else he acts abruptly and goes home. I thought we had this arrangement sorted but it's made me think: can we be friends AND sleep together??
VictorM's advice:
Lindsey! Welcome back. I thought you had abandoned me. :)
If I remember correctly, you have written before about this guy.
Of course you can be friends and sleep together. You have been doing it, haven't you? So he gets upset and goes home sometimes. So what? He comes back, doesn't he? It's not like you have your sights on anything more than friendship anyway. Right?
He said he needed space
Submitted on Wednesday, February 06, 2008
By Tricia, 29, from Singapore:
My boyfriend for 5 years broke up with me last year because he said he needed space. So I gave him space by never calling or seeing him again since the break up. How come he keeps on calling or sending me messages regularly until now? He keeps on calling just to say "take care" or other sweet-nothings even though I don't reply to almost all of his messages. In fact, I ignore him most of the time. He's been doing this for a year already. He, however, doesn't mention anything about getting back together. What does this mean? Why would he want to keep contact with me despite the fact that I have been ignoring him for a year? I'm confused because he's the one who asked for space in the first place.
VictorM's advice:
Two possibilities I can think of:
1. He doesn't want to burn any bridges. Sorta saving you for a rainy day, just in case.
2. He's done with you but is too cowardly to come out and say it so he says those nice things mainly to salvage his conscience.
I'd bet my life on it being number 2.
If you agree with me, tell him to stop being an idiot, tell him it's over, ask him to stop with the nonsense messages, and wish him good luck.
By Tricia, 29, from Singapore:
My boyfriend for 5 years broke up with me last year because he said he needed space. So I gave him space by never calling or seeing him again since the break up. How come he keeps on calling or sending me messages regularly until now? He keeps on calling just to say "take care" or other sweet-nothings even though I don't reply to almost all of his messages. In fact, I ignore him most of the time. He's been doing this for a year already. He, however, doesn't mention anything about getting back together. What does this mean? Why would he want to keep contact with me despite the fact that I have been ignoring him for a year? I'm confused because he's the one who asked for space in the first place.
VictorM's advice:
Two possibilities I can think of:
1. He doesn't want to burn any bridges. Sorta saving you for a rainy day, just in case.
2. He's done with you but is too cowardly to come out and say it so he says those nice things mainly to salvage his conscience.
I'd bet my life on it being number 2.
If you agree with me, tell him to stop being an idiot, tell him it's over, ask him to stop with the nonsense messages, and wish him good luck.
It's a few days later and still no call
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
By lynn, 23, from atlanta, ga:
I met a guy at a club one night and afterwards he calls and calls to get me to see him. I finally have the time to meet with him and we had a great time. Laughing, talking, joking, etc. to the morning came up. The entire evening, he tells me how much he likes me and wants to really see if there is something more with us. We depart with a kiss and he tells me he'll call for dinner later that evening. It's a few days later and still no call, not even when I called to see how he was doing. Was I just imagining that we hit it off?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
VictorM's advice:
Since "lynn" and "deneice" both submitted their questions from the same computer, I figure it's either one person with a split personality, or two friends seeing the same guy.
In any case, guys you meet at a club aren't the most reliable ones. They are usually out for the highest bidder. Someone else must have offered more than either one of you.
So, lynn, I think you did hit it off but I also think your guy found someone else that was at least as much fun (maybe "deniece"?) and you may have slipped a few notches on his calling list.
"deniece", stay busy and avoid those clubs. Maybe you should try meeting guys at Barnes and Noble.
By lynn, 23, from atlanta, ga:
I met a guy at a club one night and afterwards he calls and calls to get me to see him. I finally have the time to meet with him and we had a great time. Laughing, talking, joking, etc. to the morning came up. The entire evening, he tells me how much he likes me and wants to really see if there is something more with us. We depart with a kiss and he tells me he'll call for dinner later that evening. It's a few days later and still no call, not even when I called to see how he was doing. Was I just imagining that we hit it off?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
By deneice, 23, from NC:
I met a guy at a club and he talked to me the next day for over an hour. I didn't hear from him again throughout the week but, I'm a busy graduate student and I only half expected him to call anyways. I'm usually pretty pessimistic about men I meet at bars/clubs. He did call several days later...just to tell me he had the flu and he didn't want me to think he was neglecting/ignoring me. I thought, well it sounded sweet (save for his horrible sounding sick voice), but I don't really buy it, nor do I care to buy it so I tell him I have "work" to do and I had to get back to the lab. Then he calls a day or so later, again to talk and set up a date or something --only he gets a call from his father and he has to hang up. No calls since then (about 4 days now).
Being a busy graduate student, I don't focus on my social life outside of my department (force of habit I guess), BUT every once in awhile I want to get out and explore other options to socialize (go out for drinks, food, etc). Could this guy be an option? Or is he just pulling my leg?
I met a guy at a club and he talked to me the next day for over an hour. I didn't hear from him again throughout the week but, I'm a busy graduate student and I only half expected him to call anyways. I'm usually pretty pessimistic about men I meet at bars/clubs. He did call several days later...just to tell me he had the flu and he didn't want me to think he was neglecting/ignoring me. I thought, well it sounded sweet (save for his horrible sounding sick voice), but I don't really buy it, nor do I care to buy it so I tell him I have "work" to do and I had to get back to the lab. Then he calls a day or so later, again to talk and set up a date or something --only he gets a call from his father and he has to hang up. No calls since then (about 4 days now).
Being a busy graduate student, I don't focus on my social life outside of my department (force of habit I guess), BUT every once in awhile I want to get out and explore other options to socialize (go out for drinks, food, etc). Could this guy be an option? Or is he just pulling my leg?
VictorM's advice:
Since "lynn" and "deneice" both submitted their questions from the same computer, I figure it's either one person with a split personality, or two friends seeing the same guy.
In any case, guys you meet at a club aren't the most reliable ones. They are usually out for the highest bidder. Someone else must have offered more than either one of you.
So, lynn, I think you did hit it off but I also think your guy found someone else that was at least as much fun (maybe "deniece"?) and you may have slipped a few notches on his calling list.
"deniece", stay busy and avoid those clubs. Maybe you should try meeting guys at Barnes and Noble.
She's like the best woman ever
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
By anna, 21, from los angeles:
My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We haven't talked since. But a friend of mine mentioned that she saw him that other day and he said, "She's my girl, she's like the best woman ever, I think I'm in love, even though we aren't together anymore, I can't stop thinking about her, especially when I'm drunk." He never calls or text messages. Why would he say that? I obviously still like him.
VictorM's advice:
I'll translate his words for you: "She's so fucking hot, she's a great lay, I want to fuck her again, I don't need to be in a relationship for that, I see her naked body in my mind, especially when I'm horny."
There's a name for his actual words: bullshit. He had no interest in badmouthing you to her, so he went overboard praising you. Don't be too flattered by being in his thoughts when he's drunk.
By anna, 21, from los angeles:
My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We haven't talked since. But a friend of mine mentioned that she saw him that other day and he said, "She's my girl, she's like the best woman ever, I think I'm in love, even though we aren't together anymore, I can't stop thinking about her, especially when I'm drunk." He never calls or text messages. Why would he say that? I obviously still like him.
VictorM's advice:
I'll translate his words for you: "She's so fucking hot, she's a great lay, I want to fuck her again, I don't need to be in a relationship for that, I see her naked body in my mind, especially when I'm horny."
There's a name for his actual words: bullshit. He had no interest in badmouthing you to her, so he went overboard praising you. Don't be too flattered by being in his thoughts when he's drunk.
I am being used
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
By Stacey, 37, from Tennessee:
I really need to know what I should do about not seeing my boyfriend. He works all the time, weekends included. I really need help on this one. I did tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I just feel he has no time for this relationship. If he's not feeling well I don't get to see him either. He has a history of migraines. So, when he has one of those he is down for a while. It seems the only time I get to see him is when he wants to have sex and move on. I feel like I am being used. I feel after I have told him I'll be here for him. I can't just end the relationship. I really need some advice on this one.
VictorM's advice:
Why can't you just end the relationship? Of course you can!
Why should he do anything different? He keeps you away when he wants to, and he has sex when he wants to. And still, you don't want to break-up. Sounds like a good gig to me. He has no motivation to change.
Anyway... yes, you can break up. It takes two to stay together but only one to end things.
By Stacey, 37, from Tennessee:
I really need to know what I should do about not seeing my boyfriend. He works all the time, weekends included. I really need help on this one. I did tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I just feel he has no time for this relationship. If he's not feeling well I don't get to see him either. He has a history of migraines. So, when he has one of those he is down for a while. It seems the only time I get to see him is when he wants to have sex and move on. I feel like I am being used. I feel after I have told him I'll be here for him. I can't just end the relationship. I really need some advice on this one.
VictorM's advice:
Why can't you just end the relationship? Of course you can!
Why should he do anything different? He keeps you away when he wants to, and he has sex when he wants to. And still, you don't want to break-up. Sounds like a good gig to me. He has no motivation to change.
Anyway... yes, you can break up. It takes two to stay together but only one to end things.
I have a crush on my best guy friend
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
I have a crush on my best guy friend. We were wicked close until the middle of December, when something changed. He got really distant, and it just got worse and worse, until we’d go days without talking. It broke my heart. I don’t know what happened, although I’m thinking some rumors getting tossed around got to him. Anyways, two weekends ago, I sent him an email that said I noticed that things between us had just gotten very awkward, and that I just wanted to be friends because our friendship mattered a lot to me. This was the best move I’ve ever made in my entire life. He wrote back, saying he knew just what I was talking about, but that he didn’t want it to get between us being friends. That week (last week), things between us got better and better. We’re now having conversations on a daily basis. But there’s still kind of an invisible wall between us. I guess...I want more. I want our relationship to start going back to the way it used to be. I feel like I’ve done my part in confronting him about the problem, but what can I do to make things better and start going back to the way we used to be, where we talked every night on the phone, emailed daily and hung out after school and on weekends?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe it'll take some more time for that to happen, but don't be surprised if it never does. People change. Their interests change. They find new things to do, new people to have fun with. Lots of things happen that change the chemistry between two people, specially around your age. Maybe he likes another girl and is given her his attention. Who knows.
You can still be his friend, but nothing ever stays the same... but the earth and sky.
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
I have a crush on my best guy friend. We were wicked close until the middle of December, when something changed. He got really distant, and it just got worse and worse, until we’d go days without talking. It broke my heart. I don’t know what happened, although I’m thinking some rumors getting tossed around got to him. Anyways, two weekends ago, I sent him an email that said I noticed that things between us had just gotten very awkward, and that I just wanted to be friends because our friendship mattered a lot to me. This was the best move I’ve ever made in my entire life. He wrote back, saying he knew just what I was talking about, but that he didn’t want it to get between us being friends. That week (last week), things between us got better and better. We’re now having conversations on a daily basis. But there’s still kind of an invisible wall between us. I guess...I want more. I want our relationship to start going back to the way it used to be. I feel like I’ve done my part in confronting him about the problem, but what can I do to make things better and start going back to the way we used to be, where we talked every night on the phone, emailed daily and hung out after school and on weekends?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe it'll take some more time for that to happen, but don't be surprised if it never does. People change. Their interests change. They find new things to do, new people to have fun with. Lots of things happen that change the chemistry between two people, specially around your age. Maybe he likes another girl and is given her his attention. Who knows.
You can still be his friend, but nothing ever stays the same... but the earth and sky.
Is that too corny?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
By Melissa, 19, from NH:
I've never really been in a serious relationship until I met my current boyfriend. I knew right from the start everything was just so different and I soon fell in love with him. This Valentines Day I wanted to do something special but not corny. I am a die hard romantic and love all that mushy stuff. I was thinking about sending a big teddy bear and a box of chocolates and a balloon to his work as part of his present! Is that too corny? Would that be way too embarrassing for him? I just don't know how a guy would react to this so I need a guys point of view! Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
"A big teddy bear and a box of chocolates and a balloon to his work"?!?!?!?!?!? Holy crap! That boy is going to wish a giant hole opens up under his feet and he gets swallowed up for all eternity. That's wayyyyy cornyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! I feel embarrassed for him just reading it.
I partly jest. :)
I understand about being romantic and all, but shouldn't a romantic take the time to know what he likes? I mean, just doing something because you would like it yourself is not romantic in my book. It's kind of selfish, in fact. Do you even know if he likes chocolates? Has he ever mentioned liking teddy bears?
I don't know... I get yelled on this site often enough (yes, Princess, I'm looking at you) because I think women and their need for gifts is counterproductive in relationships. Frankly, someone giving me something that I could care less about doesn't earn them extra credit if they do it just to indulge themselves.
If you have no idea if he likes any of that stuff, why give him that? If on the other hand, if you have an inkling he will like it, do it. After all, you want him to know you for who you are. Who knows, maybe he likes this corny stuff too.
I'm not saying don't be corny. There's something endearing about that. But be corny with something you are fairly sure he will like. If you aren't so sure, avoid the corny. And for crying out loud, be careful with what he gets at work. Keep the corny between you and him; keep his friends and coworkers out of it.
I know you mean well, but really, give thought to something he has expressed interest in, and make it personal. He's a guy... balloons, bows, flowers... those are not things that turn guys on. And guys don't feel compelled to go around work showing all his buddies what they got from their girlfriend (that's a female trait).
Anyway... whatever you decide to give him, write back and let us know. I'll be curious to know.
*I hear Princess' footsteps... I'm going to hide now*
By Melissa, 19, from NH:
I've never really been in a serious relationship until I met my current boyfriend. I knew right from the start everything was just so different and I soon fell in love with him. This Valentines Day I wanted to do something special but not corny. I am a die hard romantic and love all that mushy stuff. I was thinking about sending a big teddy bear and a box of chocolates and a balloon to his work as part of his present! Is that too corny? Would that be way too embarrassing for him? I just don't know how a guy would react to this so I need a guys point of view! Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
"A big teddy bear and a box of chocolates and a balloon to his work"?!?!?!?!?!? Holy crap! That boy is going to wish a giant hole opens up under his feet and he gets swallowed up for all eternity. That's wayyyyy cornyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! I feel embarrassed for him just reading it.
I partly jest. :)
I understand about being romantic and all, but shouldn't a romantic take the time to know what he likes? I mean, just doing something because you would like it yourself is not romantic in my book. It's kind of selfish, in fact. Do you even know if he likes chocolates? Has he ever mentioned liking teddy bears?
I don't know... I get yelled on this site often enough (yes, Princess, I'm looking at you) because I think women and their need for gifts is counterproductive in relationships. Frankly, someone giving me something that I could care less about doesn't earn them extra credit if they do it just to indulge themselves.
If you have no idea if he likes any of that stuff, why give him that? If on the other hand, if you have an inkling he will like it, do it. After all, you want him to know you for who you are. Who knows, maybe he likes this corny stuff too.
I'm not saying don't be corny. There's something endearing about that. But be corny with something you are fairly sure he will like. If you aren't so sure, avoid the corny. And for crying out loud, be careful with what he gets at work. Keep the corny between you and him; keep his friends and coworkers out of it.
I know you mean well, but really, give thought to something he has expressed interest in, and make it personal. He's a guy... balloons, bows, flowers... those are not things that turn guys on. And guys don't feel compelled to go around work showing all his buddies what they got from their girlfriend (that's a female trait).
Anyway... whatever you decide to give him, write back and let us know. I'll be curious to know.
*I hear Princess' footsteps... I'm going to hide now*
I still don't think I'll ever understand him
Submitted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008
By Avi, 19, from New York:
This guy I'm not even dating says he needs time (before we get into an actual relationship) because he can't trust people. We've been off and on for a while and I still don't think I'll ever understand him. What is his deal?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but knows he's not stable enough to make a relationship work.
I don't know what extra time will do unless he's seeing a therapist.
But you really don't need to understand him to know you should move on and not look back.
This guy I'm not even dating says he needs time (before we get into an actual relationship) because he can't trust people. We've been off and on for a while and I still don't think I'll ever understand him. What is his deal?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you but knows he's not stable enough to make a relationship work.
I don't know what extra time will do unless he's seeing a therapist.
But you really don't need to understand him to know you should move on and not look back.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Message to No Guilt
Check the VISITOR COMMENTS at your question. I posted my thoughts there.
Is that too forward of me?
Submitted on Monday, February 04, 2008
By Marie, 45, from Iowa:
I have gotten to know this guy over the internet for approximately two years. We met a couple times now in person to go out to eat together (he initiated). On the third date, he invited me to spend the majority of a day and evening at his place yesterday, and it felt right so we had sex. He asked me if it was good for the first time. I assured him it was. I also asked him the same question, and he said your "kitty" should know the answer to that (which I took as a yes). When I got ready to leave last night to go home (we live in different towns), I thanked him at his door and kissed him goodnight. I would really like to call him tonight to thank him again for the fun day and evening and ask him if he is interested in doing it again sometime. Is that too forward of me?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not too forward. Go for it.
By Marie, 45, from Iowa:
I have gotten to know this guy over the internet for approximately two years. We met a couple times now in person to go out to eat together (he initiated). On the third date, he invited me to spend the majority of a day and evening at his place yesterday, and it felt right so we had sex. He asked me if it was good for the first time. I assured him it was. I also asked him the same question, and he said your "kitty" should know the answer to that (which I took as a yes). When I got ready to leave last night to go home (we live in different towns), I thanked him at his door and kissed him goodnight. I would really like to call him tonight to thank him again for the fun day and evening and ask him if he is interested in doing it again sometime. Is that too forward of me?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not too forward. Go for it.
He always asks to work with me
Submitted on Monday, February 04, 2008
By Jenny, 21, from Orlando, Fl:
I've had two chemistry courses with this guy in the past semester and we see each other at the very least 4 times a week. Because he always asks to work with me, we usually do homework and study together. While we work together he often asks about what I like, my family and how my life was when I used to live in Japan. I come from a famous Japanese family and during the summer of 2007 he had visited Japan. He tutored me for a final exam that he doesn't have to take, picks me up to go study, helped me when my car broke and meets me as early as 9 AM to study. This year I called him once and asked how MCAT was (because I thought he took it) and casually say we should go for lunch sometimes. He agreed and said but it will be probably be after the MCAT. Before he took the exam I wished him good luck and he message me back in less than 1 minute saying Thanks and that he needs all the encouragement he can get. It's been 9 days since the MCAT and he hasn't called. I did extremely well on my MCAT and I've been told many times that I am attractive. I'm also considerate with everyone. Why isn't he calling? Should I contact him somehow? I think I'm doing too much already. He's also good looking and we're both chemistry majors.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should call him and find out why he hasn't called you. There could be so many reasons why he hasn't called that I won't even speculate, but one thing is for sure: he's under no obligation to call you, still, if you're curious, call and ask.
By Jenny, 21, from Orlando, Fl:
I've had two chemistry courses with this guy in the past semester and we see each other at the very least 4 times a week. Because he always asks to work with me, we usually do homework and study together. While we work together he often asks about what I like, my family and how my life was when I used to live in Japan. I come from a famous Japanese family and during the summer of 2007 he had visited Japan. He tutored me for a final exam that he doesn't have to take, picks me up to go study, helped me when my car broke and meets me as early as 9 AM to study. This year I called him once and asked how MCAT was (because I thought he took it) and casually say we should go for lunch sometimes. He agreed and said but it will be probably be after the MCAT. Before he took the exam I wished him good luck and he message me back in less than 1 minute saying Thanks and that he needs all the encouragement he can get. It's been 9 days since the MCAT and he hasn't called. I did extremely well on my MCAT and I've been told many times that I am attractive. I'm also considerate with everyone. Why isn't he calling? Should I contact him somehow? I think I'm doing too much already. He's also good looking and we're both chemistry majors.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should call him and find out why he hasn't called you. There could be so many reasons why he hasn't called that I won't even speculate, but one thing is for sure: he's under no obligation to call you, still, if you're curious, call and ask.
Some possible red flags
Submitted on Monday, February 04, 2008
By Dade, 21, from Maryland:
I've been dating this guy for about 3 weeks, after a month of knowing each other. We have awesome chemistry in all aspects of the relationship and can't go a day without talking. However, I'm starting to notice some possible red flags and am not sure if that's what they truly are or if they are just things that I'm blowing out of proportion....
1. He told me he loved me very early in the relationship. Also that he's never loved anyone like he loves me.
2. He gets annoyed when I miss his phone calls, then jokes around about it later on. But something tells me he really hates when I miss his calls.
3. He sometimes questions what I did and with who as if to check up on me. If I brush off the subject quickly, he becomes insistent on knowing what I did and won't let the subject go.
4. He has this weird way of making me feel guilty if I don't do something he wants.
5. I always feel like I have to prove to him that I care about him. It's like he doesn't believe me or needs constant reassurance.
6. He'll say things like "I own you" or "I turned down a lot of girls to be with you" and then laugh and claim he's just kidding.
Now as I look back over this list, it definitely seems like these are significant warning signs, but another part of me tells me that it's early in the relationship and he's just being sweet in his own way. He doesn't act this way on a consistent basis. I'm so confused!
VictorM's advice:
Don't ignore those red flags. And they are red flags if you say they are. What I mean is, some of those things may not bother other people, but they bother you and that's all that counts.
It's true that the initial stages of a relationship can be awkward but, if anything, people are more tolerant of the other. They become less so as time goes on.
Put your foot down and tell him the things that bother you now and why they bother you. See how he reacts. Don't let him get away with the "I was just joking" bullshit.
Trust your instincts. Don't be one of these women that ignore so many red flags and years later complain they're married to an asshole.
I've been dating this guy for about 3 weeks, after a month of knowing each other. We have awesome chemistry in all aspects of the relationship and can't go a day without talking. However, I'm starting to notice some possible red flags and am not sure if that's what they truly are or if they are just things that I'm blowing out of proportion....
1. He told me he loved me very early in the relationship. Also that he's never loved anyone like he loves me.
2. He gets annoyed when I miss his phone calls, then jokes around about it later on. But something tells me he really hates when I miss his calls.
3. He sometimes questions what I did and with who as if to check up on me. If I brush off the subject quickly, he becomes insistent on knowing what I did and won't let the subject go.
4. He has this weird way of making me feel guilty if I don't do something he wants.
5. I always feel like I have to prove to him that I care about him. It's like he doesn't believe me or needs constant reassurance.
6. He'll say things like "I own you" or "I turned down a lot of girls to be with you" and then laugh and claim he's just kidding.
Now as I look back over this list, it definitely seems like these are significant warning signs, but another part of me tells me that it's early in the relationship and he's just being sweet in his own way. He doesn't act this way on a consistent basis. I'm so confused!
VictorM's advice:
Don't ignore those red flags. And they are red flags if you say they are. What I mean is, some of those things may not bother other people, but they bother you and that's all that counts.
It's true that the initial stages of a relationship can be awkward but, if anything, people are more tolerant of the other. They become less so as time goes on.
Put your foot down and tell him the things that bother you now and why they bother you. See how he reacts. Don't let him get away with the "I was just joking" bullshit.
Trust your instincts. Don't be one of these women that ignore so many red flags and years later complain they're married to an asshole.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Do guys feel anything when girls end this type of situation?
Submitted on Sunday, February 03, 2008
By Allison, 40, from Tampa, FL:
I started seeing a guy last year. He was in town working on a huge construction project and I was living next door. We talked and flirted for about 6 months. He called me one night, but I was asleep and didn't hear the phone. He called the next day to apologize for calling me so late, saying he hit the last number called button on his cell phone. I told him I never heard the phone. I checked the phone and saw I had missed 3 calls, all from him. I knew at this point he was making it up. A week later, my cell rang late at night and it was him asking if I wanted to have a glass of wine with him. I said no since he was married, it was very late and he lived next door and it would be a bad situation. He called back several times, but I never answered. About a month later I gave in.
I figured it would be a one time thing, but it has gone on for 8 months now even though we have both moved to other homes in different parts of town. It was mostly a physical relationship since he was married and really couldn't go out in public. I was okay with it too. Recently he was served with divorce papers and is now legally separated. His wife found a boyfriend while he was out of town on business. Anyway he asked me if I was happy about the situation. I said I felt bad and hoped I was not the reason. He said I was not. Since then he asks me, every time we see each other or talk, if I am in love with him or falling in love with him. I keep telling him "n o," which is a lie. It's my experience that that's a surefire way to get rid of a guy. I should add that, through the past 8 months, I rarely call him. I wait for him to call me. He continues to say that he thinks I'm getting too attached, but admits that he can't think of anything I say or do to lead him to this conclusion.
He asked why I liked him and I told him because he was smart, funny, good looking. He said he liked me because I acted mature. He still calls late at nite to come over a couple of times a week, but that's it, we never do anything else or go anywhere. I did think that since he was separated we might start doing more things together, but that hasn't happened.
Over the holidays, I didn't hear from for almost 2 weeks. A couple of weeks ago, after being asked again if I was falling in love with him, I admitted that I had fallen for him a long time ago. I figured that would be the end of the relationship, but he still keeps calling which surprised me. The last few times he called I didn't answer or told him I was busy which made him call more. I found out he was seeing someone else and had taken her out a couple of times.
I sensed something different the last time we were together, like he had someone else on his mind. I didn't make a big deal. I did ask if he was seeing someone else and he admitted he had, a friend from college, but that it was over because she had a boyfriend. After thinking about it for half the day, I sent him a text before he went out of town saying he was right, that I liked him too much and that I couldn't see him anymore and asked that he not call.
I admit I am in love with him, but don't see a reason that we must continue as we were since he is now getting divorced. I thought it would hurt less for me to end the relationship before I had to hear it from him. I figured that since I haven't heard anything from him, I made the right choice. Do guys feel anything when girls end this type of situation? Do you think he may try to call again? If he does, how should I handle the situation?
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think he feels anything. Why should he? You were good for sex and to stroke his ego. He can find that elsewhere.
Will he call again? He might, if he's horny and can't find someone else.
By Allison, 40, from Tampa, FL:
I started seeing a guy last year. He was in town working on a huge construction project and I was living next door. We talked and flirted for about 6 months. He called me one night, but I was asleep and didn't hear the phone. He called the next day to apologize for calling me so late, saying he hit the last number called button on his cell phone. I told him I never heard the phone. I checked the phone and saw I had missed 3 calls, all from him. I knew at this point he was making it up. A week later, my cell rang late at night and it was him asking if I wanted to have a glass of wine with him. I said no since he was married, it was very late and he lived next door and it would be a bad situation. He called back several times, but I never answered. About a month later I gave in.
I figured it would be a one time thing, but it has gone on for 8 months now even though we have both moved to other homes in different parts of town. It was mostly a physical relationship since he was married and really couldn't go out in public. I was okay with it too. Recently he was served with divorce papers and is now legally separated. His wife found a boyfriend while he was out of town on business. Anyway he asked me if I was happy about the situation. I said I felt bad and hoped I was not the reason. He said I was not. Since then he asks me, every time we see each other or talk, if I am in love with him or falling in love with him. I keep telling him "n o," which is a lie. It's my experience that that's a surefire way to get rid of a guy. I should add that, through the past 8 months, I rarely call him. I wait for him to call me. He continues to say that he thinks I'm getting too attached, but admits that he can't think of anything I say or do to lead him to this conclusion.
He asked why I liked him and I told him because he was smart, funny, good looking. He said he liked me because I acted mature. He still calls late at nite to come over a couple of times a week, but that's it, we never do anything else or go anywhere. I did think that since he was separated we might start doing more things together, but that hasn't happened.
Over the holidays, I didn't hear from for almost 2 weeks. A couple of weeks ago, after being asked again if I was falling in love with him, I admitted that I had fallen for him a long time ago. I figured that would be the end of the relationship, but he still keeps calling which surprised me. The last few times he called I didn't answer or told him I was busy which made him call more. I found out he was seeing someone else and had taken her out a couple of times.
I sensed something different the last time we were together, like he had someone else on his mind. I didn't make a big deal. I did ask if he was seeing someone else and he admitted he had, a friend from college, but that it was over because she had a boyfriend. After thinking about it for half the day, I sent him a text before he went out of town saying he was right, that I liked him too much and that I couldn't see him anymore and asked that he not call.
I admit I am in love with him, but don't see a reason that we must continue as we were since he is now getting divorced. I thought it would hurt less for me to end the relationship before I had to hear it from him. I figured that since I haven't heard anything from him, I made the right choice. Do guys feel anything when girls end this type of situation? Do you think he may try to call again? If he does, how should I handle the situation?
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think he feels anything. Why should he? You were good for sex and to stroke his ego. He can find that elsewhere.
Will he call again? He might, if he's horny and can't find someone else.
I have moved across the country for him
Submitted on Sunday, February 03, 2008
By Harper, 23, from Montana:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I have moved across the country for him to a small town. He has yet to propose to me, saying that he isn’t ready for marriage. But I just recently found out that he was going to ask the question, but didn’t. He is pretty religious, far more than me. I feel like I have uprooted myself for him and I just want to know that I am doing it for the greater good of our future. Why would a guy plan on proposing and then not? Why wouldn’t he just dump me? Am I just wasting my time here? He told me he wants to marry me but what is he waiting.
VictorM's advice:
You didn't move across country for him; you moved for yourself. May sound like a small thing, but it's not.
Marriage is a huge deal. Something to do when you're totally sure. He's not there yet. He might have thought he was, but realized he isn't.
Does that mean you're wasting your time? I don't know. A lot depends on how he's dealing with you now. Is he still as attentive with you? If so, maybe he just needs more time. But if he's starting to slack off, he's having second thoughts about you. The sad thing is that most guys would not be honest about it with you. So, at some point you need a time limit. You don't want to wait forever, do you?
By Harper, 23, from Montana:
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I have moved across the country for him to a small town. He has yet to propose to me, saying that he isn’t ready for marriage. But I just recently found out that he was going to ask the question, but didn’t. He is pretty religious, far more than me. I feel like I have uprooted myself for him and I just want to know that I am doing it for the greater good of our future. Why would a guy plan on proposing and then not? Why wouldn’t he just dump me? Am I just wasting my time here? He told me he wants to marry me but what is he waiting.
VictorM's advice:
You didn't move across country for him; you moved for yourself. May sound like a small thing, but it's not.
Marriage is a huge deal. Something to do when you're totally sure. He's not there yet. He might have thought he was, but realized he isn't.
Does that mean you're wasting your time? I don't know. A lot depends on how he's dealing with you now. Is he still as attentive with you? If so, maybe he just needs more time. But if he's starting to slack off, he's having second thoughts about you. The sad thing is that most guys would not be honest about it with you. So, at some point you need a time limit. You don't want to wait forever, do you?
Are there rules about dating friends of your exes?
Submitted on Sunday, February 03, 2008
By Laura, 18, from Melbourne, Australia:
Hi Victor!
Are there rules about dating friends of your exes? I "went out" with a guy for a month and a half and we broke up about 2 weeks ago because we were just friends and there was nothing going on between us, we got to the point where we could peck each other on the lips- nothing more than that and we realised that it wasn't a relationship. We're struggling to talk now, but we went to a party together last night because I'm close to one of his friends from school. (we finished school last year, so we're all going to uni this year). The new guy, Sam, and I are becoming really close- he asked for my number 2 weeks ago (the night after we broke up), and we’re organising lots of things to do as a group because we’re trying to set up one of his friends with a girlfriend of mine, so we’re contacting each other a lot. We’ve seen each other about 5 times in the past two weeks at parties and events. I'm not sure if he's just using the excuse of our two friends to keep talking to me, but we end up spending about an hour talking, mostly about the people we’re trying to set up. Sam and I were talking last night around the corner of the house, and my ex came around to talk to us. Sam told him to go away because he wanted to talk to me in private. He had been drinking quite a bit. Would you suspect that anything could happen between Sam and I- I really don't think our friends will go out, he's lost interest in chasing her so our conversations are pointless. I'm wondering if my “ex” is finding it uncomfortable that I am talking to all of his friends, and especially seeing as Sam and I spend so much time talking everytime we go out anywhere. I really need some breakup guidelines I think! I forgot to mention that Sam and I will be doing the same course at uni this year- I'm doing a double degree.. and he’s doing one of those degrees, taking the same subjects as me.
Thanks for this! Laura
VictorM's answer:
No, there are no rules when it comes to guys. The rules you're talking about mostly applies in the very complicated and illogical world of females. Guys are much simpler and more practical. :-p
(oh boy... *I'm hiding under the bed now*)
By Laura, 18, from Melbourne, Australia:
Hi Victor!
Are there rules about dating friends of your exes? I "went out" with a guy for a month and a half and we broke up about 2 weeks ago because we were just friends and there was nothing going on between us, we got to the point where we could peck each other on the lips- nothing more than that and we realised that it wasn't a relationship. We're struggling to talk now, but we went to a party together last night because I'm close to one of his friends from school. (we finished school last year, so we're all going to uni this year). The new guy, Sam, and I are becoming really close- he asked for my number 2 weeks ago (the night after we broke up), and we’re organising lots of things to do as a group because we’re trying to set up one of his friends with a girlfriend of mine, so we’re contacting each other a lot. We’ve seen each other about 5 times in the past two weeks at parties and events. I'm not sure if he's just using the excuse of our two friends to keep talking to me, but we end up spending about an hour talking, mostly about the people we’re trying to set up. Sam and I were talking last night around the corner of the house, and my ex came around to talk to us. Sam told him to go away because he wanted to talk to me in private. He had been drinking quite a bit. Would you suspect that anything could happen between Sam and I- I really don't think our friends will go out, he's lost interest in chasing her so our conversations are pointless. I'm wondering if my “ex” is finding it uncomfortable that I am talking to all of his friends, and especially seeing as Sam and I spend so much time talking everytime we go out anywhere. I really need some breakup guidelines I think! I forgot to mention that Sam and I will be doing the same course at uni this year- I'm doing a double degree.. and he’s doing one of those degrees, taking the same subjects as me.
Thanks for this! Laura
VictorM's answer:
No, there are no rules when it comes to guys. The rules you're talking about mostly applies in the very complicated and illogical world of females. Guys are much simpler and more practical. :-p
(oh boy... *I'm hiding under the bed now*)
I am trying to read his mind
Submitted on Saturday, February 02, 2008
By AnnaLisa, 30, from California:
Hi,
I am dating a guy and things are going well for the past month and a half. We both have very demanding/busy jobs. He just went through a divorce and is having problems with his ex-wife abiding to their children visitation rights. She states her boyfriend can't have children so the boys need to be with them. My guy is really stressed and grieving - missing his boys very much.
I am starting to get abit worried, each time we plan to go out to see each other or visit each other, something comes up - my job demands or his job demands, or his ex-wife just messing up our plans.
We both live in a small community and the entire town talks. So it is really hard for us to "hide" and just get away from all the gossiping.
My question is: what is happening here? Is he afraid to move on to the next level - that is being serious relationship? Or is he just too stressed with all of this to really focus on us? He did state that he is open to whatever happens between us: being good friends or being in a serious relationship. I am getting confused.
I am trying to read his mind but I can't seem to figure out where we are heading. He will email me almost every day and he keeps me informed of what is happening in his life and what is taking place. We live like 2 blocks from each other but seeing each other maybe every 2-3 weeks. When we do see each other, we are cuddling and kissing like a couple. Is he just enjoying the moment but not ready to get too serious? He tells me all the details of his life but if he is romantically interested in me - why would he tell me all the major details of what is happening in his life (I would assume guys would be afraid of scaring a woman away with expressing their deep feelings)
Any assistance with this would be helpful as I am trying to see the big picture here :)
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Dear Lord!!! You have only been seeing him for 6 weeks (and only see him rarely, to boot)! He's hassling over a divorce, can't see his kids enough, you're both so busy you only see each other every 2-3 weeks even though you only live two blocks away... and you're confused?!
I wouldn't call it confusion; I'd call it utterly impatient!
There is no way that any sane guy would be able to tell you where you're headed after a few weeks, much less under the current circumstances. Swallow a bottle of chill pills and enjoy the cuddling.
By AnnaLisa, 30, from California:
Hi,
I am dating a guy and things are going well for the past month and a half. We both have very demanding/busy jobs. He just went through a divorce and is having problems with his ex-wife abiding to their children visitation rights. She states her boyfriend can't have children so the boys need to be with them. My guy is really stressed and grieving - missing his boys very much.
I am starting to get abit worried, each time we plan to go out to see each other or visit each other, something comes up - my job demands or his job demands, or his ex-wife just messing up our plans.
We both live in a small community and the entire town talks. So it is really hard for us to "hide" and just get away from all the gossiping.
My question is: what is happening here? Is he afraid to move on to the next level - that is being serious relationship? Or is he just too stressed with all of this to really focus on us? He did state that he is open to whatever happens between us: being good friends or being in a serious relationship. I am getting confused.
I am trying to read his mind but I can't seem to figure out where we are heading. He will email me almost every day and he keeps me informed of what is happening in his life and what is taking place. We live like 2 blocks from each other but seeing each other maybe every 2-3 weeks. When we do see each other, we are cuddling and kissing like a couple. Is he just enjoying the moment but not ready to get too serious? He tells me all the details of his life but if he is romantically interested in me - why would he tell me all the major details of what is happening in his life (I would assume guys would be afraid of scaring a woman away with expressing their deep feelings)
Any assistance with this would be helpful as I am trying to see the big picture here :)
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Dear Lord!!! You have only been seeing him for 6 weeks (and only see him rarely, to boot)! He's hassling over a divorce, can't see his kids enough, you're both so busy you only see each other every 2-3 weeks even though you only live two blocks away... and you're confused?!
I wouldn't call it confusion; I'd call it utterly impatient!
There is no way that any sane guy would be able to tell you where you're headed after a few weeks, much less under the current circumstances. Swallow a bottle of chill pills and enjoy the cuddling.
Who should call/text first?
Submitted on Saturday, February 02, 2008
By Karina, 17, from NJ:
When a girl meets a guy, and they exchange numbers who is the first one that should call/text? And if the guy doesn't call/text should the girl do it? I met a guy and I'm infatuated by him, but I don't want to make the wrong move. How do I pass that acquaintance stage onto the "let's have a drink/date" stage?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't matter who contacts whom first as long as if you do it, you don't ask him to marry you (what I mean is, don't talk about feelings). Keep the contact light and fun, and see if he responds in kind.
By Karina, 17, from NJ:
When a girl meets a guy, and they exchange numbers who is the first one that should call/text? And if the guy doesn't call/text should the girl do it? I met a guy and I'm infatuated by him, but I don't want to make the wrong move. How do I pass that acquaintance stage onto the "let's have a drink/date" stage?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't matter who contacts whom first as long as if you do it, you don't ask him to marry you (what I mean is, don't talk about feelings). Keep the contact light and fun, and see if he responds in kind.
Teacher stares at me
Submitted on Saturday, February 02, 2008
By sue, 16, from: x@yahoo.com:
Hi,
I need some advice. There is a teacher at my school who stares at me a lot and makes eye contact with me whenever I see him. He was standing in front of my classroom and staring at me. I don't stare at him back. I heard he even got married a few months ago. I don't like him. Please help me, what should I do? Should I report him?
Thanks for your help!
VictorM's advice:
Give careful thought to this because reporting a teacher is a serious matter with serious consequences. Not liking him is not enough reason.
If the staring is frequent and it makes you uncomfortable, then yes, you should report it.
I know there are other visitors to this page who have a better perspective of this then I do. I hope they read this question and comment.
By sue, 16, from: x@yahoo.com:
Hi,
I need some advice. There is a teacher at my school who stares at me a lot and makes eye contact with me whenever I see him. He was standing in front of my classroom and staring at me. I don't stare at him back. I heard he even got married a few months ago. I don't like him. Please help me, what should I do? Should I report him?
Thanks for your help!
VictorM's advice:
Give careful thought to this because reporting a teacher is a serious matter with serious consequences. Not liking him is not enough reason.
If the staring is frequent and it makes you uncomfortable, then yes, you should report it.
I know there are other visitors to this page who have a better perspective of this then I do. I hope they read this question and comment.
I've never had a boyfriend or a solid relationship
Submitted on Friday, February 01, 2008
By Brittany, 18, from FL:
I've never had a boyfriend or a solid relationship with a guy. I've always felt like I try to be extroverted, but at times I feel very introverted. I don't wear any makeup and I usually come to school with my hair up in a bun or in a pony tail. On occasional days I'll dress up nicely for school, but I feel that guys talk to me when I'm in more casual clothes.
How do I become more extroverted and make myself so guys feel comfortable with me and would want to get into a relationship with me?
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to become more extroverted to get their attention (not that becoming extroverted is something people can do easily anyway).
When your appearance is too casual, guys are comfortable because you're not threatening. But that means they also see you as a "pal". Guys don't want to date pals. And they don't want to date girls that look nice some days but not others.
You can push things along my dressing and behaving more feminine and looking your best, whatever that means to you. Then more guys will see you as dating material.
By Brittany, 18, from FL:
I've never had a boyfriend or a solid relationship with a guy. I've always felt like I try to be extroverted, but at times I feel very introverted. I don't wear any makeup and I usually come to school with my hair up in a bun or in a pony tail. On occasional days I'll dress up nicely for school, but I feel that guys talk to me when I'm in more casual clothes.
How do I become more extroverted and make myself so guys feel comfortable with me and would want to get into a relationship with me?
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to become more extroverted to get their attention (not that becoming extroverted is something people can do easily anyway).
When your appearance is too casual, guys are comfortable because you're not threatening. But that means they also see you as a "pal". Guys don't want to date pals. And they don't want to date girls that look nice some days but not others.
You can push things along my dressing and behaving more feminine and looking your best, whatever that means to you. Then more guys will see you as dating material.
I don't know how to approach this
Submitted on Friday, February 01, 2008
By momo, 21, from somewhere out there:
I've had this guy friend for a while, but we aren't that close. However, I really like him and the only place I talk to him is instant messaging and sometimes I see him in class, nothing more and whenever I msg him on msn, he assumes I want something and he only msgs when he needs something and this bothers me. Although we end up talking about other things, it starts out with the need of something and not just to talk. I want to start calling him but I don't know how to approach this. I mean, Why did I call? What do I say? I don't want to weird him out :S HELP
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't. You both might be playing the same game: only calling when you need something (and probably making up "needs"). But yeah, it would be weird to call unless you have a reason to call. Phone calls are awkward anyway.
Assuming he likes you too (even if he doesn't, he might just need a nudge) one of you has to break up the current pattern and introduce a thought that plants a seed to take things beyond just friends. Ways to do this? Compliments, like: "Your ass You looked really good in class today." Make the compliment about his physical appearance, then watch him trip over himself to be with you.
It is that simple.
By momo, 21, from somewhere out there:
I've had this guy friend for a while, but we aren't that close. However, I really like him and the only place I talk to him is instant messaging and sometimes I see him in class, nothing more and whenever I msg him on msn, he assumes I want something and he only msgs when he needs something and this bothers me. Although we end up talking about other things, it starts out with the need of something and not just to talk. I want to start calling him but I don't know how to approach this. I mean, Why did I call? What do I say? I don't want to weird him out :S HELP
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't. You both might be playing the same game: only calling when you need something (and probably making up "needs"). But yeah, it would be weird to call unless you have a reason to call. Phone calls are awkward anyway.
Assuming he likes you too (even if he doesn't, he might just need a nudge) one of you has to break up the current pattern and introduce a thought that plants a seed to take things beyond just friends. Ways to do this? Compliments, like: "
It is that simple.
I find one of my clients dangerously attractive
Submitted on Friday, February 01, 2008
By Alexandra, 18, from Philadelphia:
I work at a kennel and I find one of my clients dangerously attractive. I've seen him/talked to him when he drops his dog off/picks him up but only about the dog, I have no idea where to begin or what to say to him to even let him know I'm interested, and even if I did, I don't want my coworkers to hear me get rejected haha. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow! Maybe my mind is too much in the gutter but when I read your first sentence I thought you were going to say you were attracted to a dog. Phew! False alarm. :)
Anyway, is this guy married? Does he have a girlfriend? Do you know anything about him at all?
Assuming everything checks out and the coast is clear... don't do or say anything that would get you rejected, but you can pay him a compliment ("nice shirt," something simple like that) and gauge his reaction.
Another thing you can do is open the door for him to ask you. For example, say to him: "Hey, have you seen the movie There Will Be Blood (or any other movie currently playing)? Doesn't matter whether he says yes or no, just say you want to see it but friends told you it's too scary to go alone and you just wanted to know his opinion. If he has any interest in you, he might offer to take you. If he doesn't ask, no problem. Maybe he's just not a movie guy.
By Alexandra, 18, from Philadelphia:
I work at a kennel and I find one of my clients dangerously attractive. I've seen him/talked to him when he drops his dog off/picks him up but only about the dog, I have no idea where to begin or what to say to him to even let him know I'm interested, and even if I did, I don't want my coworkers to hear me get rejected haha. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow! Maybe my mind is too much in the gutter but when I read your first sentence I thought you were going to say you were attracted to a dog. Phew! False alarm. :)
Anyway, is this guy married? Does he have a girlfriend? Do you know anything about him at all?
Assuming everything checks out and the coast is clear... don't do or say anything that would get you rejected, but you can pay him a compliment ("nice shirt," something simple like that) and gauge his reaction.
Another thing you can do is open the door for him to ask you. For example, say to him: "Hey, have you seen the movie There Will Be Blood (or any other movie currently playing)? Doesn't matter whether he says yes or no, just say you want to see it but friends told you it's too scary to go alone and you just wanted to know his opinion. If he has any interest in you, he might offer to take you. If he doesn't ask, no problem. Maybe he's just not a movie guy.
Monday, February 04, 2008
I have a crush on a semi-friend
Submitted on Friday, February 01, 2008
By Bunnylover, 17, from New Jersy:
Hey, I've heard amazing things about your website.
I have a crush on a semi-friend (we talk once in awhile in school when we see each other). I've seen a change in personality in him when he talks to me. He used to be more snobish and now he's more down to earth and nicer. I personally think this is because before he thought I was stupid and after I told him my SAT scores (which were damn close to his) that he started to warm up to me. I know his dad is a Harvard grad and his brother goes to Cornell and he's confident about getting into those colleges.
Is he one of those guys who would never think about dating girls because he's way to focused on his future? Is he attracted to smarts in a girl?
VictorM's advice:
It could be all of those things, but I wouldn't be surprised if you had a boob growth spurt and he noticed.
By Bunnylover, 17, from New Jersy:
Hey, I've heard amazing things about your website.
I have a crush on a semi-friend (we talk once in awhile in school when we see each other). I've seen a change in personality in him when he talks to me. He used to be more snobish and now he's more down to earth and nicer. I personally think this is because before he thought I was stupid and after I told him my SAT scores (which were damn close to his) that he started to warm up to me. I know his dad is a Harvard grad and his brother goes to Cornell and he's confident about getting into those colleges.
Is he one of those guys who would never think about dating girls because he's way to focused on his future? Is he attracted to smarts in a girl?
VictorM's advice:
It could be all of those things, but I wouldn't be surprised if you had a boob growth spurt and he noticed.
He is unhappy with himself
Submitted on Friday, February 01, 2008
By Carrie, 19, from Alabama:
My guy is 19 and in the Navy. We have been dating four months in the last month he has changed. He doesn't call often and when he does it is very brief. When I confronted him about it he said he is unhappy with himself and the things he is doing in his life and wanted to take a break so he could make himself happy. I have no problem with finding your own happiness but since he said that he has done NOTHING to change himself... he is drinking just as much if not more and playing video games during all his free time. He gets upset if I tell him I go out with other guys but also gets upset if I don't tell him. Has he gone nuts??
VictorM's answer:
No. He's just going through a rough time and he doesn't know how to get himself out of it. It could be just a phase, but it could also be more serious. He should see a therapist, but assuming he won't, suggest that he at least talk to someone he trusts. After that, do him, and yourself, a favor: stay out of his life.
By Carrie, 19, from Alabama:
My guy is 19 and in the Navy. We have been dating four months in the last month he has changed. He doesn't call often and when he does it is very brief. When I confronted him about it he said he is unhappy with himself and the things he is doing in his life and wanted to take a break so he could make himself happy. I have no problem with finding your own happiness but since he said that he has done NOTHING to change himself... he is drinking just as much if not more and playing video games during all his free time. He gets upset if I tell him I go out with other guys but also gets upset if I don't tell him. Has he gone nuts??
VictorM's answer:
No. He's just going through a rough time and he doesn't know how to get himself out of it. It could be just a phase, but it could also be more serious. He should see a therapist, but assuming he won't, suggest that he at least talk to someone he trusts. After that, do him, and yourself, a favor: stay out of his life.
No Guilt
Submitted on Friday, February 01, 2008
By No Guilt, 20, from US/UK:
I'm on a study abroad trip for 5 months and my boyfriend and I decided to stay together for it. We've been together over 2 years and it was the only thing that made sense to us. While I miss him a lot and think about him all the time, I ended up hooking up with someone else the other night. It wasn't spur of the moment drunk and I don't feel guilty about it. My question is whether this is normal to not feel anything. I love my boyfriend and don't want to break up with him but is treating the relationship like this a sign that things may not be right?
VictorM's advice:
Is it normal? No.
Is it a sign of problems with the relationship? Not necessarily.
OK... I'll bite my tongue and answer only what you asked.
By No Guilt, 20, from US/UK:
I'm on a study abroad trip for 5 months and my boyfriend and I decided to stay together for it. We've been together over 2 years and it was the only thing that made sense to us. While I miss him a lot and think about him all the time, I ended up hooking up with someone else the other night. It wasn't spur of the moment drunk and I don't feel guilty about it. My question is whether this is normal to not feel anything. I love my boyfriend and don't want to break up with him but is treating the relationship like this a sign that things may not be right?
VictorM's advice:
Is it normal? No.
Is it a sign of problems with the relationship? Not necessarily.
OK... I'll bite my tongue and answer only what you asked.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
My best friend and I have been having sex
Submitted on Thursday, January 31, 2008
By emily, 28, from North Carilina:
Hi There,
My best friend and I have been having sex about an average of once a month for about a year now. I am in love with him, which he is aware of and we care for each other. We are very close, but the situation is, he got screwed over by his last girlfriend horribly. She cheated a lot and was extremely mean about it. Pretty much his head is kinda mess up at the moment, and she still continues to mess with him from time to time cause she's a sick person. Anyhow, his performance in the bedroom is not so good, he seems really disconnected and a bit nervous. I know this is not because he's not into me, cause we have known each other along time (and he is over her, he wants nothing to do with her). But I think that this whole experience with her left him a little broken.
My question is, how can I make him more comfortable and more sexually adventurous? I think that if we could tackle some issues in the bedroom, it might really help him to move forward and be more confident with himself sexually... Any tips??
VictorM's advice:
You say he's over her because he wants nothing to do with her, but that doesn't have to be the case. In fact, it's likely that the opposite is true.
I know this is not what you're asking, but frankly, why not find a lover who is in love with you and stop having sex with this guy?
Maybe he really isn't that much into sex because he's not in love with you and he only tries it because it has become an obligation. Really, this doesn't sound like a technique problem.
By emily, 28, from North Carilina:
Hi There,
My best friend and I have been having sex about an average of once a month for about a year now. I am in love with him, which he is aware of and we care for each other. We are very close, but the situation is, he got screwed over by his last girlfriend horribly. She cheated a lot and was extremely mean about it. Pretty much his head is kinda mess up at the moment, and she still continues to mess with him from time to time cause she's a sick person. Anyhow, his performance in the bedroom is not so good, he seems really disconnected and a bit nervous. I know this is not because he's not into me, cause we have known each other along time (and he is over her, he wants nothing to do with her). But I think that this whole experience with her left him a little broken.
My question is, how can I make him more comfortable and more sexually adventurous? I think that if we could tackle some issues in the bedroom, it might really help him to move forward and be more confident with himself sexually... Any tips??
VictorM's advice:
You say he's over her because he wants nothing to do with her, but that doesn't have to be the case. In fact, it's likely that the opposite is true.
I know this is not what you're asking, but frankly, why not find a lover who is in love with you and stop having sex with this guy?
Maybe he really isn't that much into sex because he's not in love with you and he only tries it because it has become an obligation. Really, this doesn't sound like a technique problem.
He can't take 15 minutes to talk to me
Submitted on Thursday, January 31, 2008
By notooolucky, 20, from canada:
I have a friend who I've known for four years (went to high school with him, and now 3 years into university). I've liked him ever since I saw him (although it's been on and off - so it's not obsession). We were never close friends though and I didn't see him much in the last couple of years (although we go to the same university - I rarely run into him). This semester, I see him all the time, but when I do see him, he just says hi and walks away. If I try to talk to him, he always has something to do like "study" or a "meeting". I know that school can be really hectic since I deal with it too, but I don't understand why he can't take 15 minutes to talk to me. It makes sad. Am I wasting my time?? And what do I do? This crush has been going on for wayy too long.
VictorM's advice:
How much time are you wasting? You see him, you say hi, and he moves on.
It could be that he does like you and is much too shy. And it's not like you have a "crush button" that you can switch off.
Maybe instead of trying to talk to him, next time you see him tell him you're too busy now and simply ask for a time when you two can go for coffee and catch up.
He may not be interested, but why not find out for sure? You got nothing to lose.
By notooolucky, 20, from canada:
I have a friend who I've known for four years (went to high school with him, and now 3 years into university). I've liked him ever since I saw him (although it's been on and off - so it's not obsession). We were never close friends though and I didn't see him much in the last couple of years (although we go to the same university - I rarely run into him). This semester, I see him all the time, but when I do see him, he just says hi and walks away. If I try to talk to him, he always has something to do like "study" or a "meeting". I know that school can be really hectic since I deal with it too, but I don't understand why he can't take 15 minutes to talk to me. It makes sad. Am I wasting my time?? And what do I do? This crush has been going on for wayy too long.
VictorM's advice:
How much time are you wasting? You see him, you say hi, and he moves on.
It could be that he does like you and is much too shy. And it's not like you have a "crush button" that you can switch off.
Maybe instead of trying to talk to him, next time you see him tell him you're too busy now and simply ask for a time when you two can go for coffee and catch up.
He may not be interested, but why not find out for sure? You got nothing to lose.
It ended abruptly, no closure, nothing.
Submitted on Thursday, January 31, 2008
By gina, 41, from idaho:
I have been in a relationship for about a year and half. Then it ended abruptly, no closure , nothing. Just a phone call saying I am sorry it did not work out between us. I was shocked for he did this suddenly. His father was dying and the only people he could be around was his best friend and his parents. It's been a month now, because all this happened at christmas. I have done all the crying I can do, but I recently talked to him on the phone and he wanted to know if we could still talk once in a while. I did not respond. For a month I have not heard from him and I hurt because I loved his father too but all that was taken away from me even at the funeral. I sat in back like I was never part of the family. I think I am still hurt. Then he showed up in my store today with a number I needed which he could have called and given it to me. Everyone is telling me he is trying to get his foot back into the door with me. Or see if there is a chance we could get back together. I don't know, I am confused . You see, I would have rather fought with him than be with anyone else and to walk away from me like that hurt deeply. There was times we would get in an argument and he would ask me do you want me to pack my bags. I asked him why do you do that. He said he guesses that is what he is use too. Please help. I am confused.
VictorM's advice:
For one year and a half, you two were learning about the other. During that process, you found out things about each other and tried to work through problems. There comes a time when enough is enough, when trying to work things out just isn't worth it. He no longer feels that it's worth pursuing a relationship with you. I'm not saying you have to like it, but he called you and he told you. Frankly, that's more closure than many people get.
Are his attempts at contacting you a sign that he wants another try with you? It could be, but it doesn't have to be.
Dropping the phone number could be the equivalent of the person who wants to quit smoking but after a few weeks takes another puff. Being with someone can be habit forming and we get those urges to make contact, not because we want to go back, but because it will helps us break away in phases.
By gina, 41, from idaho:
I have been in a relationship for about a year and half. Then it ended abruptly, no closure , nothing. Just a phone call saying I am sorry it did not work out between us. I was shocked for he did this suddenly. His father was dying and the only people he could be around was his best friend and his parents. It's been a month now, because all this happened at christmas. I have done all the crying I can do, but I recently talked to him on the phone and he wanted to know if we could still talk once in a while. I did not respond. For a month I have not heard from him and I hurt because I loved his father too but all that was taken away from me even at the funeral. I sat in back like I was never part of the family. I think I am still hurt. Then he showed up in my store today with a number I needed which he could have called and given it to me. Everyone is telling me he is trying to get his foot back into the door with me. Or see if there is a chance we could get back together. I don't know, I am confused . You see, I would have rather fought with him than be with anyone else and to walk away from me like that hurt deeply. There was times we would get in an argument and he would ask me do you want me to pack my bags. I asked him why do you do that. He said he guesses that is what he is use too. Please help. I am confused.
VictorM's advice:
For one year and a half, you two were learning about the other. During that process, you found out things about each other and tried to work through problems. There comes a time when enough is enough, when trying to work things out just isn't worth it. He no longer feels that it's worth pursuing a relationship with you. I'm not saying you have to like it, but he called you and he told you. Frankly, that's more closure than many people get.
Are his attempts at contacting you a sign that he wants another try with you? It could be, but it doesn't have to be.
Dropping the phone number could be the equivalent of the person who wants to quit smoking but after a few weeks takes another puff. Being with someone can be habit forming and we get those urges to make contact, not because we want to go back, but because it will helps us break away in phases.
He has a hard time trusting people
Submitted on Thursday, January 31, 2008
By Mariana, 23, from Argentina:
Me again :S
I’m having a problem with my boyfriend. The relationship itself is great and I’m really happy about it, but there’s this thing he has that I’m afraid will lead us to big problems later.
He has a hard time trusting people, and when I say people, it includes me. It’s not that he was betrayed by someone in the past, that’s his nature. He always wonders if what a person is telling him is true or not and he gets really jealous when it comes to me.
He says he knows it’s all in his head, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to be with me if he didn’t really trust me. But last night (the 30th) it was his b’day and he invited some of his male friends and me, and he got really jealous when I cut myself from the group (I’m not a “group person”) and played cards with a friend of his (CARDS!!!!). The way he reacts is by telling me he didn’t like that and getting upset for a few minutes. He never said anything to me in a harsh way or by yelling or insulting. I thought I should say that.
I told him this trusting issue and the jealousy (result of the trusting issue) is going to create threatening situations to our relationship and he said he knows he’s gotta change that but he doesn’t know how to.
I really want to help him deal with this cuz I’m betting on this relationship and he’s making some changes in his life (like getting a part time job, choosing some other specialty at the University that will make it easier to get a job and live better- in terms of $$$-, he quit smoking – or at least trying to, it’s been over a week now- ), he’s getting more responsible and I know that it has to do with the fact that I’ve already finished college and I’m starting my career and when we talked about the future I told him that we should find a way to be “at the same place” in life to want the same things and suddenly he comes up with all this decisions. That’s why I want to fix this, that’s why I want to make this work; I think it’s worth it. I don’t want him to doubt me, especially when I could NEVER do anything to hurt him and I’m pretty strict with myself when it comes to respecting my boyfriend (referring to cheating).
So, besides professional help (he hates shrinks), is there anything he/I/we could do to figure this out? I really appreciate your help Victor, that’s why I keep coming back :P
VictorM's advice:
He admits it's his issue, knows it's in his head, talks to you about it, and doesn't yell or insult you. So where exactly is the problem, really? It certainly is not a bigger problem then you not being a "group person."
His "jealousy" and your "not a group person" are personal characteristics that define each of you. Sure, there are some personality traits that we're better off improving because it makes us function better in society, but that's not always a clear cut choice. One could argue that a healthy dose of mistrust is not such a bad thing and that those around us have to earn our trust just as one could argue that being able to relate to groups in a social setting is also a good thing. The issue is: are these personality traits that make you too incompatible for each other?
Now, I have to say that I understand how he feels (I just want to make it clear that I'm not referring to "right" or "wrong", just what brought about his jealousy that night). I know, to you getting away from the group was nothing, and all you did was play cards with one guy. But there's a saying: there's three versions to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. It's easy to see the events of that night from a totally differently perspective than yours. You ignored him on his birthday. Your intentions with his friend need not be the issue; you were dedicating your time and paying too much attention to one other guy (the cards were just a device), not your boyfriend.
How was this seen not only by your boyfriend but his friends? I don't know but your boyfriend knows his friends better than you do. Guys talk about girls in ways that would shock you. Your boyfriend has heard them talk about other couples, about them boasting, about claims they can get this girl or that girl, etc. You being a stunningly attractive girl (to other readers: I have seen pictures of Mariana) I'm sure you have been the subject of many conversations before and after you started dating him. I think his displeasure was that he doesn't trust some of his friends more than he doesn't trust you, but it's easier to come across as "jealous" with you than it is to admit it to some of his friends (that would be a sign of weakness and probably the ending of friendships).
It is too bad he doesn't like therapists (unfortunately that's not uncommon at all). You say he wasn't betrayed by someone in the past, but: 1) you don't really know that and he may not even know that himself, 2) the mistrust could be brought about by many things, possibly something too minor for him to even realize. So it's a shame he won't get professional help. But as long as he talks about it and recognizes it as a problem, you're half way there.
It's very hard to see any situation like this from the other person's point of view because we're so eager to prove our innocence but it's something that both of you could try to work on.
So... what are you going to do about not being a "group person"? :-p
Me again :S
I’m having a problem with my boyfriend. The relationship itself is great and I’m really happy about it, but there’s this thing he has that I’m afraid will lead us to big problems later.
He has a hard time trusting people, and when I say people, it includes me. It’s not that he was betrayed by someone in the past, that’s his nature. He always wonders if what a person is telling him is true or not and he gets really jealous when it comes to me.
He says he knows it’s all in his head, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to be with me if he didn’t really trust me. But last night (the 30th) it was his b’day and he invited some of his male friends and me, and he got really jealous when I cut myself from the group (I’m not a “group person”) and played cards with a friend of his (CARDS!!!!). The way he reacts is by telling me he didn’t like that and getting upset for a few minutes. He never said anything to me in a harsh way or by yelling or insulting. I thought I should say that.
I told him this trusting issue and the jealousy (result of the trusting issue) is going to create threatening situations to our relationship and he said he knows he’s gotta change that but he doesn’t know how to.
I really want to help him deal with this cuz I’m betting on this relationship and he’s making some changes in his life (like getting a part time job, choosing some other specialty at the University that will make it easier to get a job and live better- in terms of $$$-, he quit smoking – or at least trying to, it’s been over a week now- ), he’s getting more responsible and I know that it has to do with the fact that I’ve already finished college and I’m starting my career and when we talked about the future I told him that we should find a way to be “at the same place” in life to want the same things and suddenly he comes up with all this decisions. That’s why I want to fix this, that’s why I want to make this work; I think it’s worth it. I don’t want him to doubt me, especially when I could NEVER do anything to hurt him and I’m pretty strict with myself when it comes to respecting my boyfriend (referring to cheating).
So, besides professional help (he hates shrinks), is there anything he/I/we could do to figure this out? I really appreciate your help Victor, that’s why I keep coming back :P
VictorM's advice:
He admits it's his issue, knows it's in his head, talks to you about it, and doesn't yell or insult you. So where exactly is the problem, really? It certainly is not a bigger problem then you not being a "group person."
His "jealousy" and your "not a group person" are personal characteristics that define each of you. Sure, there are some personality traits that we're better off improving because it makes us function better in society, but that's not always a clear cut choice. One could argue that a healthy dose of mistrust is not such a bad thing and that those around us have to earn our trust just as one could argue that being able to relate to groups in a social setting is also a good thing. The issue is: are these personality traits that make you too incompatible for each other?
Now, I have to say that I understand how he feels (I just want to make it clear that I'm not referring to "right" or "wrong", just what brought about his jealousy that night). I know, to you getting away from the group was nothing, and all you did was play cards with one guy. But there's a saying: there's three versions to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. It's easy to see the events of that night from a totally differently perspective than yours. You ignored him on his birthday. Your intentions with his friend need not be the issue; you were dedicating your time and paying too much attention to one other guy (the cards were just a device), not your boyfriend.
How was this seen not only by your boyfriend but his friends? I don't know but your boyfriend knows his friends better than you do. Guys talk about girls in ways that would shock you. Your boyfriend has heard them talk about other couples, about them boasting, about claims they can get this girl or that girl, etc. You being a stunningly attractive girl (to other readers: I have seen pictures of Mariana) I'm sure you have been the subject of many conversations before and after you started dating him. I think his displeasure was that he doesn't trust some of his friends more than he doesn't trust you, but it's easier to come across as "jealous" with you than it is to admit it to some of his friends (that would be a sign of weakness and probably the ending of friendships).
It is too bad he doesn't like therapists (unfortunately that's not uncommon at all). You say he wasn't betrayed by someone in the past, but: 1) you don't really know that and he may not even know that himself, 2) the mistrust could be brought about by many things, possibly something too minor for him to even realize. So it's a shame he won't get professional help. But as long as he talks about it and recognizes it as a problem, you're half way there.
It's very hard to see any situation like this from the other person's point of view because we're so eager to prove our innocence but it's something that both of you could try to work on.
So... what are you going to do about not being a "group person"? :-p
Saturday, February 02, 2008
He was just crazy about me
Submitted on Thursday, January 31, 2008
By Kayla, 23, from Atlanta, GA:
I started seeing a guy about a month ago, everything has been absolutely perfect, we kissed a lot, he always held my hand, and could never stop smiling when he was with me like he was just crazy about me. He called me or texted almost everyday, then it got to where he would call, make plans but never follow through. Then this week nothing. What happened? I was wondering if there is male intimidation maybe, I have 2 degrees good career, bilingual, and he did not go to school and lives with his parents. It seems I would be a catch for him right? What went wrong?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys explode with interest when they first meet a girl. When that interest dies, some guys fade away, some guys burn out. Your guy just burned out. It could be intimidation but it need not be anything in particular that brings this about, just a realization that you're not "the one." And once this happens, far too often the guy just pulls a disappearing act because he don't know what or how to tell you.
So basically, he was into you initially and now he's not. It just the way life is. Most people usually try several partners before they find one to settle down with. You're not "it" for him.
By Kayla, 23, from Atlanta, GA:
I started seeing a guy about a month ago, everything has been absolutely perfect, we kissed a lot, he always held my hand, and could never stop smiling when he was with me like he was just crazy about me. He called me or texted almost everyday, then it got to where he would call, make plans but never follow through. Then this week nothing. What happened? I was wondering if there is male intimidation maybe, I have 2 degrees good career, bilingual, and he did not go to school and lives with his parents. It seems I would be a catch for him right? What went wrong?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys explode with interest when they first meet a girl. When that interest dies, some guys fade away, some guys burn out. Your guy just burned out. It could be intimidation but it need not be anything in particular that brings this about, just a realization that you're not "the one." And once this happens, far too often the guy just pulls a disappearing act because he don't know what or how to tell you.
So basically, he was into you initially and now he's not. It just the way life is. Most people usually try several partners before they find one to settle down with. You're not "it" for him.
He calls me before he goes to bed
Submitted on Wednesday, January 30, 2008
By Sally~, 20, from New York:
Okay here it goes (By the way, thank you for having this website!): I have been seeing this guy for about 8 months now and we always talk on the phone, every day and he calls me before he goes to bed, etc. We have sex occasionally and when we are around each other he will hold my hand, kiss me, cuddle with me, even in front of his friends. He even let me drive his car! (only three people have ever driven his car)! The problem is: he never asks me out. I'm always having to ask him out. He also never compliments me and it makes me wonder if he's even attracted to me. I like him a lot but I don't know where he thinks we stand. I think he thinks we are just friends with benefits and I'm not for that at all. How do I fix this and make things clear? I am too shy to ask him how he feels - I'm afraid of getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
You are friends with benefits. That's a fact. One that's easy to fix: stop having sex unless you are boyfriend/girlfriend, if that's what your value system says.
You say you are afraid to ask him if you're more than friends with benefits, but if you don't ask, the answer will always be "no".
Of course, you could always stop asking him out to see if he asks you. But I don't know, this answer must not be good enough because it sounds too simple.
By Sally~, 20, from New York:
Okay here it goes (By the way, thank you for having this website!): I have been seeing this guy for about 8 months now and we always talk on the phone, every day and he calls me before he goes to bed, etc. We have sex occasionally and when we are around each other he will hold my hand, kiss me, cuddle with me, even in front of his friends. He even let me drive his car! (only three people have ever driven his car)! The problem is: he never asks me out. I'm always having to ask him out. He also never compliments me and it makes me wonder if he's even attracted to me. I like him a lot but I don't know where he thinks we stand. I think he thinks we are just friends with benefits and I'm not for that at all. How do I fix this and make things clear? I am too shy to ask him how he feels - I'm afraid of getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
You are friends with benefits. That's a fact. One that's easy to fix: stop having sex unless you are boyfriend/girlfriend, if that's what your value system says.
You say you are afraid to ask him if you're more than friends with benefits, but if you don't ask, the answer will always be "no".
Of course, you could always stop asking him out to see if he asks you. But I don't know, this answer must not be good enough because it sounds too simple.
I am a very shy person around guys
Submitted on Wednesday, January 30, 2008
By Amanda, 15, from oklahoma:
I really like this guy in my 4th hour science class. I am a very shy person around guys and don't know what to do. I have been talking to him a lot more lately and notice that he picks on me more than the other girls...does this mean he likes me?? My friend keeps teeling me to just ask him if he likes me but I'm afraid of what will happen if he doesn't. Would it be weird to have my friend ask him??
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT have your friend ask him and do NOT ask yourself. Chances are that he's just as worried about rejection as you are. Your best bet is to continue talking to him and getting to know him better. Do NOT rush into who likes whom. It's too early for that.
By Amanda, 15, from oklahoma:
I really like this guy in my 4th hour science class. I am a very shy person around guys and don't know what to do. I have been talking to him a lot more lately and notice that he picks on me more than the other girls...does this mean he likes me?? My friend keeps teeling me to just ask him if he likes me but I'm afraid of what will happen if he doesn't. Would it be weird to have my friend ask him??
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT have your friend ask him and do NOT ask yourself. Chances are that he's just as worried about rejection as you are. Your best bet is to continue talking to him and getting to know him better. Do NOT rush into who likes whom. It's too early for that.
Does he secretly have feelings for me?
Submitted Wednesday, January 30, 2008
By April, 47, from California:
I have a male doctor friend whom I've had a crush on for a while now. He's aware that I am very unhappy in my marriage and I don't cheat. He's supportive of me and listens to me whenever I need to vent. Which I try not to do often. But he does. (business stuff) He's single and struggling a bit with his practice right now. He's made it known to me that he enjoys my company, has complimented me on various occasions, "oh you look nice"..sometimes he stares at me expressionless but total eye contact, then we both smile and break the connection. When in conversation, he touches my arm, smiles a lot, he's always cracking jokes to make me laugh, and he's just so polite and respectful. He's a total gentleman! We also have chemistry and rapport. But I'm married. For my birthday card he wrote that I was a great friend and someone he can trust and confide in. Now does he secretly have feelings for me but doesn't want to come right out and say it, or is he being a good friend with nice doctor bedside manners?
VictorM's advice:
It's hard to tell. All the attention you're getting could very well change if you were divorced and available. The responsibility to a "great friend" is much different than to a lover.
You may never know his true feelings until you're divorced. But if you ever get a divorce, don't be surprised if he runs for the hills.
One thing I know for sure: his attention isn't going to make you improve your marriage situation.
By April, 47, from California:
I have a male doctor friend whom I've had a crush on for a while now. He's aware that I am very unhappy in my marriage and I don't cheat. He's supportive of me and listens to me whenever I need to vent. Which I try not to do often. But he does. (business stuff) He's single and struggling a bit with his practice right now. He's made it known to me that he enjoys my company, has complimented me on various occasions, "oh you look nice"..sometimes he stares at me expressionless but total eye contact, then we both smile and break the connection. When in conversation, he touches my arm, smiles a lot, he's always cracking jokes to make me laugh, and he's just so polite and respectful. He's a total gentleman! We also have chemistry and rapport. But I'm married. For my birthday card he wrote that I was a great friend and someone he can trust and confide in. Now does he secretly have feelings for me but doesn't want to come right out and say it, or is he being a good friend with nice doctor bedside manners?
VictorM's advice:
It's hard to tell. All the attention you're getting could very well change if you were divorced and available. The responsibility to a "great friend" is much different than to a lover.
You may never know his true feelings until you're divorced. But if you ever get a divorce, don't be surprised if he runs for the hills.
One thing I know for sure: his attention isn't going to make you improve your marriage situation.
I have never had a boyfriend or been on a date
Submitted on Tuesday, January 29, 2008
By Riley, 18, from cincinnati:
ok, so I am a freshman in college and I have never had a boyfriend or been on a date. whenever i tell people this, they never believe me and when i insist it's true, they are always shocked. they tell me i'm "gorgeous" and funny and smart. so the problem? Well when I see a cute guy, sometimes I can be outgoing and go ahead and flirt a bit, but when there is a guy i am actually interested in, I am soooo shy. I don't know what to do to be more outgoing. I guess i am always just afraid that i will be too forward or obvious. what can i do to take it small steps at a time?
VictorM's advice:
Your situation is much more common than you'd think.
Small step? OK. Smile and say "Hi [his name]" to a guy you like.
I know, I know, for someone like you even a smile is not so easy. But hey, if you don't force yourself to do something that's not easy, you don't deserve to get any attention. You have to push yourself to catch the guy's attention. Once you do, things will get easier.
So... A smile and a "Hi". Sounds small enough to me.
By Riley, 18, from cincinnati:
ok, so I am a freshman in college and I have never had a boyfriend or been on a date. whenever i tell people this, they never believe me and when i insist it's true, they are always shocked. they tell me i'm "gorgeous" and funny and smart. so the problem? Well when I see a cute guy, sometimes I can be outgoing and go ahead and flirt a bit, but when there is a guy i am actually interested in, I am soooo shy. I don't know what to do to be more outgoing. I guess i am always just afraid that i will be too forward or obvious. what can i do to take it small steps at a time?
VictorM's advice:
Your situation is much more common than you'd think.
Small step? OK. Smile and say "Hi [his name]" to a guy you like.
I know, I know, for someone like you even a smile is not so easy. But hey, if you don't force yourself to do something that's not easy, you don't deserve to get any attention. You have to push yourself to catch the guy's attention. Once you do, things will get easier.
So... A smile and a "Hi". Sounds small enough to me.
Friday, February 01, 2008
He felt violated
Submitted on Tuesday, January 29, 2008
By linda, 40, from nc:
Hi Victor! I am in need of your opinion again PLEASE. I had written you a couple months ago regarding my boyfriend (age 50) who had a woman on his I/M list that he had had a one night stand with.
Anyway, I had kept hearing things regarding their communication and I asked him if he had told her about us being back together. He assured me that he had told her that we were seeing each other. I just wasn't buying it. He was very defensive about my questioning him on her knowledge of me. So, during my last visit (we are in a long distance relationship) before leaving his place I decided to check his computer. His messenger services sign in automatically when the computer is turned on. So I read through his I/M conversation history with this woman and another woman. It seemed pretty obvious to me that the woman he had the one night stand with had no knowledge of me whatsoever. And if she did, she sure was laying it on thick and flirting big time. But I saw nothing indicating that he had told her or that she knew he was seeing anyone. The other woman he communicated with I found a conversation where she asked him "u in love?"..he replied, "not me, you?" I was shocked! He tells me all the time that he loves me. So, I printed out that conversation and left it on his coffee table so he knew that I had read it. I am not proud that I snooped but some thing in my gut was telling me that I needed to KNOW what was going on. Well, long story short, he contacted me and asked if I felt "vindicated" by snooping through his computer. Then he said "he felt violated" that I had done so. He kept saying that my "interpretation" of the conversations were just that. He tried to explain that the question regarding being in love had to do with the fact that unless I lived there and we spent more time together he wouldn't know for sure if he really loved me..so when she asked if he was in "in love" his reply indicated that he wasn't because I am not living there yet. I think that is bull shit!
I need a guys opinion...either you love someone or you don't. AND..if he had looked through my computer he would have found nothing to misread and I sure would not have been upset by it. I have nothing to hide. I feel this just proved he is guilty and has been caught. He kept trying to turn the fact around that I had snooped and invaded his privacy and he wondered what else I looked through. He kept saying that he was angry that I did what I did and that I was paranoid. Of course there was nothing on his part trying to reassure me that he really did love me. Only thing I saw was he was turning the tables and putting the focus on me and what I had done and how it made him feel. Could you please give me your male opinion on this. PLEASE!!!
VictorM's advice:
We have two issues here: one, his use of the term "I love you" and the way he means it, and two, you reading his stuff.
Invasion of privacy is invasion of privacy. And to most people, Americans in particular, privacy is sacred. It's always a fine line between respecting another person's privacy and satisfying your curiosity but at some point you have to act if you have justifiable cause. You made your call and you have to live with the consequences, the most obvious one been the recognition that your relationship might be over.
The issue of him saying that he's not in love is not as black and white as you think. To you, "in love" has a stronger emotional attachment than it does to him. Guys are much more orient towards the physically aspect of things than women. So, since your relationship is long distance, his definition of "in love" may not feel like a serious commitment because of the lack of physical contact. Some guys also grow-up with the notion that saying they are "in love" is a sign of weakness. Something to say to one person but you don't really talk about it with anyone else. But the most likely reason for denying it is that he had no intentions of closing the door on conversations with that woman. Saying he's in love would most likely be the end of that.
The internet is fertile ground for men in particular to live their fantasies of being Don Juan and seducing women. It's fun, it's easy, and since there is no physical contact, it's harmless (again, this is the way guys think).
On the balance, it sounds like you're better off moving on. There's too much distrust on both sides to make this relationship work.
By linda, 40, from nc:
Hi Victor! I am in need of your opinion again PLEASE. I had written you a couple months ago regarding my boyfriend (age 50) who had a woman on his I/M list that he had had a one night stand with.
Anyway, I had kept hearing things regarding their communication and I asked him if he had told her about us being back together. He assured me that he had told her that we were seeing each other. I just wasn't buying it. He was very defensive about my questioning him on her knowledge of me. So, during my last visit (we are in a long distance relationship) before leaving his place I decided to check his computer. His messenger services sign in automatically when the computer is turned on. So I read through his I/M conversation history with this woman and another woman. It seemed pretty obvious to me that the woman he had the one night stand with had no knowledge of me whatsoever. And if she did, she sure was laying it on thick and flirting big time. But I saw nothing indicating that he had told her or that she knew he was seeing anyone. The other woman he communicated with I found a conversation where she asked him "u in love?"..he replied, "not me, you?" I was shocked! He tells me all the time that he loves me. So, I printed out that conversation and left it on his coffee table so he knew that I had read it. I am not proud that I snooped but some thing in my gut was telling me that I needed to KNOW what was going on. Well, long story short, he contacted me and asked if I felt "vindicated" by snooping through his computer. Then he said "he felt violated" that I had done so. He kept saying that my "interpretation" of the conversations were just that. He tried to explain that the question regarding being in love had to do with the fact that unless I lived there and we spent more time together he wouldn't know for sure if he really loved me..so when she asked if he was in "in love" his reply indicated that he wasn't because I am not living there yet. I think that is bull shit!
I need a guys opinion...either you love someone or you don't. AND..if he had looked through my computer he would have found nothing to misread and I sure would not have been upset by it. I have nothing to hide. I feel this just proved he is guilty and has been caught. He kept trying to turn the fact around that I had snooped and invaded his privacy and he wondered what else I looked through. He kept saying that he was angry that I did what I did and that I was paranoid. Of course there was nothing on his part trying to reassure me that he really did love me. Only thing I saw was he was turning the tables and putting the focus on me and what I had done and how it made him feel. Could you please give me your male opinion on this. PLEASE!!!
VictorM's advice:
We have two issues here: one, his use of the term "I love you" and the way he means it, and two, you reading his stuff.
Invasion of privacy is invasion of privacy. And to most people, Americans in particular, privacy is sacred. It's always a fine line between respecting another person's privacy and satisfying your curiosity but at some point you have to act if you have justifiable cause. You made your call and you have to live with the consequences, the most obvious one been the recognition that your relationship might be over.
The issue of him saying that he's not in love is not as black and white as you think. To you, "in love" has a stronger emotional attachment than it does to him. Guys are much more orient towards the physically aspect of things than women. So, since your relationship is long distance, his definition of "in love" may not feel like a serious commitment because of the lack of physical contact. Some guys also grow-up with the notion that saying they are "in love" is a sign of weakness. Something to say to one person but you don't really talk about it with anyone else. But the most likely reason for denying it is that he had no intentions of closing the door on conversations with that woman. Saying he's in love would most likely be the end of that.
The internet is fertile ground for men in particular to live their fantasies of being Don Juan and seducing women. It's fun, it's easy, and since there is no physical contact, it's harmless (again, this is the way guys think).
On the balance, it sounds like you're better off moving on. There's too much distrust on both sides to make this relationship work.
Big gestures
Submitted on Tuesday, January 29, 2008
By Mariana, 22 (until saturday!), from Argentina:
I think women are more willing to do the "big gestures" than men and I kinda confirmed that reading the posts these girls submit. Like we are more predisposed to travel long distances just to be with the person we wanna be with or get into great trouble just to do something that you know your partner will love. It seems the roles are getting mixed up and that Hollywood “hero” that gets the girl by sweeping her off her feet inspired only women. Anyway, that’s how I see it. What do you think about it?
VictorM's answer:
I don't think the roles are mixed up because of Hollywood. Guys actually put a lot of effort into "getting" the girl, but they get lazy after they get her. It only appears to contradict Hollywood but that's because most Hollywood stories end with "and they lived happily ever after." In the real world, that's when the problems begin.
In a recent answer I quoted from Sleepless in Seattle, one of the better "chick movies" in a while. But the movie ends when Sam and Annie meet. If you think their love life would be "like magic" the rest of their lives, well... you're a girl!
But, yeah, you're more prone to the "big gesture". I'll send you a medal and a cookie. :)
By Mariana, 22 (until saturday!), from Argentina:
I think women are more willing to do the "big gestures" than men and I kinda confirmed that reading the posts these girls submit. Like we are more predisposed to travel long distances just to be with the person we wanna be with or get into great trouble just to do something that you know your partner will love. It seems the roles are getting mixed up and that Hollywood “hero” that gets the girl by sweeping her off her feet inspired only women. Anyway, that’s how I see it. What do you think about it?
VictorM's answer:
I don't think the roles are mixed up because of Hollywood. Guys actually put a lot of effort into "getting" the girl, but they get lazy after they get her. It only appears to contradict Hollywood but that's because most Hollywood stories end with "and they lived happily ever after." In the real world, that's when the problems begin.
In a recent answer I quoted from Sleepless in Seattle, one of the better "chick movies" in a while. But the movie ends when Sam and Annie meet. If you think their love life would be "like magic" the rest of their lives, well... you're a girl!
But, yeah, you're more prone to the "big gesture". I'll send you a medal and a cookie. :)
He made it clear that he had feelings for me
Submitted on Monday, January 28, 2008
By Elise, 18, from Cincinnati:
Dear "Real Guy",
I am a freshman in college. I really like to hang out at this one fraternity house, Sig Ep. I've dated one of the brothers and recently the current president showed interest. After he made it clear that he had feelings for me, I thought I would get to know him better. Over the course of this last week he has: told me he loves me numerous times, given me the master key to the house, told me he's never felt stronger, and flaunted me off as his "beautiful girlfriend". I don't recall him asking me to be in an exclusive relationship and I never told him I loved him or even liked him. He calls AT LEAST 3 times daily. He's a good guy with the exception that he is constantly bragging and talking badly about others. What's his deal? Is he psycho or does he just really like me? Should I give him a shot or run for the hills?
--Elise--
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he really likes you, but you could also be the "freshman of the month."
Word of advice: don't get too stuck in one place and with one crowd. Diversify. Make lots of friends. Have fun and go to parties. There's no need to rush having a boyfriend.
Anyway, from your description he sounds creepy.
By Elise, 18, from Cincinnati:
Dear "Real Guy",
I am a freshman in college. I really like to hang out at this one fraternity house, Sig Ep. I've dated one of the brothers and recently the current president showed interest. After he made it clear that he had feelings for me, I thought I would get to know him better. Over the course of this last week he has: told me he loves me numerous times, given me the master key to the house, told me he's never felt stronger, and flaunted me off as his "beautiful girlfriend". I don't recall him asking me to be in an exclusive relationship and I never told him I loved him or even liked him. He calls AT LEAST 3 times daily. He's a good guy with the exception that he is constantly bragging and talking badly about others. What's his deal? Is he psycho or does he just really like me? Should I give him a shot or run for the hills?
--Elise--
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he really likes you, but you could also be the "freshman of the month."
Word of advice: don't get too stuck in one place and with one crowd. Diversify. Make lots of friends. Have fun and go to parties. There's no need to rush having a boyfriend.
Anyway, from your description he sounds creepy.
After we slept together I hardly hear from him
Submitted on Monday, January 28, 2008
By Marci, 29, from Caribbean:
I just started dating a guy, he seemed very interested in me, said he wanted a prosperous 2008 with me and my son. But after we slept together I hardly hear from him, 90% of the time it is me calling. He's trying to go pro in soccer, and works in the day, practices after work and then sometimes hangs with friend to watch old soccer games. I admire that, but should he not make some time for me? I feel soooooo unimportant. Did he mean what he said, or am I making a mistake and need to leave sooner than later? Help me out guys.
VictorM's advice:
It's likely that he meant what he said when he said it. But it's not uncommon for guys to go over the top when they initially meet a girl they like and than fade away once their feelings die. I think he's gotten over the novelty and will be looking elsewhere for prosperity.
Leave sooner rather than later.
Besides, there isn't much of a career for pro soccer players in the Caribbean; chances are that if he's any good he'll be going overseas.
By Marci, 29, from Caribbean:
I just started dating a guy, he seemed very interested in me, said he wanted a prosperous 2008 with me and my son. But after we slept together I hardly hear from him, 90% of the time it is me calling. He's trying to go pro in soccer, and works in the day, practices after work and then sometimes hangs with friend to watch old soccer games. I admire that, but should he not make some time for me? I feel soooooo unimportant. Did he mean what he said, or am I making a mistake and need to leave sooner than later? Help me out guys.
VictorM's advice:
It's likely that he meant what he said when he said it. But it's not uncommon for guys to go over the top when they initially meet a girl they like and than fade away once their feelings die. I think he's gotten over the novelty and will be looking elsewhere for prosperity.
Leave sooner rather than later.
Besides, there isn't much of a career for pro soccer players in the Caribbean; chances are that if he's any good he'll be going overseas.
Not meant to be
Submitted on Monday, January 28, 2008
By I'm a girl, 23:
How do you accept that a relationship is not meant to be? When you have such a history, and you know there is still a lot of feelings between one another, but it's just NOT WORKING OUT. How do you let it go? He's finally let it go, but I'm still having a hard time. I know in my head AND in my heart that we could never make it, but why am I still obsessing over it? Nevermind that...I just need to know how to accept that a relationship is over. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not so sure "obsessed" is the right word. "Mourning" is more like it. Just because there isn't a body, doesn't mean that wasn't a death. So many dreams, plans, and hopes down the tubes. It's not easy. Allow yourself to cry and to feel sad. It's a natural process of healing.
In time -- and I'm now quoting from Sleepless in Seattle -- "I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."
That's how it happens: over time.
By I'm a girl, 23:
How do you accept that a relationship is not meant to be? When you have such a history, and you know there is still a lot of feelings between one another, but it's just NOT WORKING OUT. How do you let it go? He's finally let it go, but I'm still having a hard time. I know in my head AND in my heart that we could never make it, but why am I still obsessing over it? Nevermind that...I just need to know how to accept that a relationship is over. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not so sure "obsessed" is the right word. "Mourning" is more like it. Just because there isn't a body, doesn't mean that wasn't a death. So many dreams, plans, and hopes down the tubes. It's not easy. Allow yourself to cry and to feel sad. It's a natural process of healing.
In time -- and I'm now quoting from Sleepless in Seattle -- "I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."
That's how it happens: over time.
