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Thursday, February 28, 2008
I found out there was another women
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By debbie, 44, from new york:
Ended a friend with benefits situation 3 weeks ago not because I didn't care but I found out there was another woman. I blasted him out about this and then apologized because I knew I was wrong. Now I don't even get any return calls for messages I have left or the acknowledgement that at least he read my email saying I was sorry. Could it be over and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore or could there be a chance of getting back together after some time has past?
VictorM's advice:
Guys can get over things like nothing happened after they brood over it for a while. So yeah, he could come back, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Part of the beauty of friends with no benefits is the freedom from the hassles. You pretty much ruined that. An apology doesn't change that you didn't have the friends with benefits mentality that he was expecting. He's no dummy. He now realizes that you have feelings that clash with his perception of the ideal situation.
I still don't get you. You say things like: "Getting back together" and "hurt me." That sounds like language related to a relationship, not to friends with benefits. Either don't call what you had "friends with benefits" or change your attitude because it sounds like you're seeking a relationship. If he's perceiving it this way, and he has no interest in a relationship, then he's not coming back.
By debbie, 44, from new york:
Ended a friend with benefits situation 3 weeks ago not because I didn't care but I found out there was another woman. I blasted him out about this and then apologized because I knew I was wrong. Now I don't even get any return calls for messages I have left or the acknowledgement that at least he read my email saying I was sorry. Could it be over and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore or could there be a chance of getting back together after some time has past?
VictorM's advice:
Guys can get over things like nothing happened after they brood over it for a while. So yeah, he could come back, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Part of the beauty of friends with no benefits is the freedom from the hassles. You pretty much ruined that. An apology doesn't change that you didn't have the friends with benefits mentality that he was expecting. He's no dummy. He now realizes that you have feelings that clash with his perception of the ideal situation.
I still don't get you. You say things like: "Getting back together" and "hurt me." That sounds like language related to a relationship, not to friends with benefits. Either don't call what you had "friends with benefits" or change your attitude because it sounds like you're seeking a relationship. If he's perceiving it this way, and he has no interest in a relationship, then he's not coming back.
Is there a time limit?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By Janet, 21, from Atlanta, GA:
If a man dissapears on you (we've never had sex/made out etc), how long should it be until he realizes he misses you? Is there a time limit where I will know for sure he's not that into me? He dissapeared before for 2 and a half weeks and came back very excited.
VictorM's advice:
Forget the amount of time... if he disappears on you, he's not into you! It's really that simple. He only comes back to pass the time, to cure boredom, or for some other selfish reason, but he doesn't come because he misses you.
By Janet, 21, from Atlanta, GA:
If a man dissapears on you (we've never had sex/made out etc), how long should it be until he realizes he misses you? Is there a time limit where I will know for sure he's not that into me? He dissapeared before for 2 and a half weeks and came back very excited.
VictorM's advice:
Forget the amount of time... if he disappears on you, he's not into you! It's really that simple. He only comes back to pass the time, to cure boredom, or for some other selfish reason, but he doesn't come because he misses you.
I want her to be my girlfriend
Submitted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008
By Ahmed, 30, from turkey:
hi. i realized that this is a place for girls to ask questions but as i'm really confused and under pressure i have decided to give it a try maybe you could give me an advise for my problem. i will really appreciate. and i apologize for my bad english grammer .
here is my problem:
there is a girl whom i know for about 1 year. we became closer from 3 months a go. at first we were just friends and we decide to continue like good friends but after a while i found that I want her to be my girlfriend. i started to show her what i want and i tried to tell her directly that i like her. but the problem is that her behaviour is very strange and paradox. one day she is nice and seems that she wants to be my girlfriend too, and another day she says that you should not come closer to me we are just friends. when i ask her to go out with friends she accepts but after that she complains that "why do your friends think that we are girlfriend and boyfriend?" (what else they would think?) she acts like she wants this relationship. she comes over my house, meet my family ...but when we want to talk about our relationship she said that "i don't want a new relationship. i like my memories of my ex boyfriend and i want to keep them." i'm now so confused and don't know what to do. if she wants me so why does she sometimes ask to decline or decrease the relationship? and if she doesn't want me, why she doesn't leave the relationship? i don't know if i should give her more time? or talk to her again? there is no misty thing in my behaviour it's obvious that i like her but some times i'm inevitable to act the way she wants. i'm not happy. i don't have peace and i really have to decide soon. i will appreciate if you guide me what to do.
thank you.
Ahmed.30.from turkey.
VictorM's advice:
You have only been seeing her for a few months and she's still trying to get over her ex-boyfriend. She enjoys your company but is not ready for a relationship. You really need to give her more time and treat her purely as a friend for a while. There's a chance she's trying to get to know you better before she commits to avoid the mistake she made before with the other guy. You may be paying for the "crimes" of the previous guy. It may sound unfair to you, but that's how life is.
I'm going to ask other female visitors to please chime in using the VISITOR COMMENTS below to give Ahmed your opinions and suggestions. Thanks
hi. i realized that this is a place for girls to ask questions but as i'm really confused and under pressure i have decided to give it a try maybe you could give me an advise for my problem. i will really appreciate. and i apologize for my bad english grammer .
here is my problem:
there is a girl whom i know for about 1 year. we became closer from 3 months a go. at first we were just friends and we decide to continue like good friends but after a while i found that I want her to be my girlfriend. i started to show her what i want and i tried to tell her directly that i like her. but the problem is that her behaviour is very strange and paradox. one day she is nice and seems that she wants to be my girlfriend too, and another day she says that you should not come closer to me we are just friends. when i ask her to go out with friends she accepts but after that she complains that "why do your friends think that we are girlfriend and boyfriend?" (what else they would think?) she acts like she wants this relationship. she comes over my house, meet my family ...but when we want to talk about our relationship she said that "i don't want a new relationship. i like my memories of my ex boyfriend and i want to keep them." i'm now so confused and don't know what to do. if she wants me so why does she sometimes ask to decline or decrease the relationship? and if she doesn't want me, why she doesn't leave the relationship? i don't know if i should give her more time? or talk to her again? there is no misty thing in my behaviour it's obvious that i like her but some times i'm inevitable to act the way she wants. i'm not happy. i don't have peace and i really have to decide soon. i will appreciate if you guide me what to do.
thank you.
Ahmed.30.from turkey.
VictorM's advice:
You have only been seeing her for a few months and she's still trying to get over her ex-boyfriend. She enjoys your company but is not ready for a relationship. You really need to give her more time and treat her purely as a friend for a while. There's a chance she's trying to get to know you better before she commits to avoid the mistake she made before with the other guy. You may be paying for the "crimes" of the previous guy. It may sound unfair to you, but that's how life is.
I'm going to ask other female visitors to please chime in using the VISITOR COMMENTS below to give Ahmed your opinions and suggestions. Thanks
Successful and rich
Submitted on Monday, February 25, 2008
By Ada, 35:
Hi Victor,
I am just engaged to a man who was poor when we met but now become very successful and rich. I am supposed to be happy but I feel he starts focusing on his jobs and spending time with friends more than me. If I complain, he will find time for me. But I don't know why I keep thinking he will cheat on me one day since he is not always around me now and his friend always take him to the club to watch show girls. He is a person that doesn't know romance or being tender or loving, is it possible to train him? What is the proper way to communicate with a man like him? He's 45 now and a very strong and manly type of guy. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Guys can be trained on many things but this guy is already 45, is not romantic, not tender, not loving, goes to shady clubs, only reacts to your wishes when you complain, and you don't trust him to be faithful... I think you're dreaming if you think he will change after you marry him.
You are engaged to a man who seemingly lacks many of the qualities you like. I say forget about him being trained; you're the one who needs to be trained to avoid an impending disaster and reevaluate marrying a man that will make you unhappy.
By Ada, 35:
Hi Victor,
I am just engaged to a man who was poor when we met but now become very successful and rich. I am supposed to be happy but I feel he starts focusing on his jobs and spending time with friends more than me. If I complain, he will find time for me. But I don't know why I keep thinking he will cheat on me one day since he is not always around me now and his friend always take him to the club to watch show girls. He is a person that doesn't know romance or being tender or loving, is it possible to train him? What is the proper way to communicate with a man like him? He's 45 now and a very strong and manly type of guy. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Guys can be trained on many things but this guy is already 45, is not romantic, not tender, not loving, goes to shady clubs, only reacts to your wishes when you complain, and you don't trust him to be faithful... I think you're dreaming if you think he will change after you marry him.
You are engaged to a man who seemingly lacks many of the qualities you like. I say forget about him being trained; you're the one who needs to be trained to avoid an impending disaster and reevaluate marrying a man that will make you unhappy.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
A guy asked me out for coffee
Submitted on Monday, February 25, 2008
By Sara, 21, from Valencia, CA:
A guy asked me out for coffee. We've known each other for 6 months already. I asked him out a week earlier but I had to cancel it because of school work. The appointment/date was very fun and casual. He then said he wanted to know where I would end up in medical school AND that maybe we should do this again sometimes. I stated to him jokingly that earlier I called/emailed/texted him with no replies. He laugh, said he gets that all the time, and we left each other (a girl he "tutors" picked him up). I called him 3 days after the coffee. It's been a day since the call--no replies. Albeit I was being a little confrontational, but shouldn't he call me back? What should I do now? We've always been good friends/ talked all the time/ he calls be back right away but now he's distant/seems to ignore my calls and at the date he was bragging about a publication and perhaps leaving for Paris for a year.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that what you meant was "shouldn't he call me back if he was interested in me?" Um... probably. A little deductive reasoning should give you a clue about his state of mind.
Why should he have called back? He's free not to and you're free to reach your own conclusions.
By Sara, 21, from Valencia, CA:
A guy asked me out for coffee. We've known each other for 6 months already. I asked him out a week earlier but I had to cancel it because of school work. The appointment/date was very fun and casual. He then said he wanted to know where I would end up in medical school AND that maybe we should do this again sometimes. I stated to him jokingly that earlier I called/emailed/texted him with no replies. He laugh, said he gets that all the time, and we left each other (a girl he "tutors" picked him up). I called him 3 days after the coffee. It's been a day since the call--no replies. Albeit I was being a little confrontational, but shouldn't he call me back? What should I do now? We've always been good friends/ talked all the time/ he calls be back right away but now he's distant/seems to ignore my calls and at the date he was bragging about a publication and perhaps leaving for Paris for a year.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that what you meant was "shouldn't he call me back if he was interested in me?" Um... probably. A little deductive reasoning should give you a clue about his state of mind.
Why should he have called back? He's free not to and you're free to reach your own conclusions.
I have been single for about a year now and I'm ready to date
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By Lydia, 19, from Texas:
HI. I have been single for about a year now and I'm ready to date, I've BEEN ready to date. Problem is, is that I'm a little shy, but when I do put myself out there I usually get hurt or rejected. I'm at the end of the line basically, almost completely given up. I mean, I'm no Victoria's Secret model, but hey I'm really pretty, yet I can't seem to even get a guy to look my way, and I just have to wonder, why in the world can't I get a guy to approach me or anything of that matter? It doesn't make sense and I'm so frustrated now. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Get the hell out of Texas right now! There are far too many gorgeous women down there, parading around in their tight little shorts! The whole state is like a freaking beauty pageant!
OK... I'm kidding (kinda).
Getting hurt and rejected is part of the deal. It happens to everyone, sooner or later. Despite my joking above, chances are that you're much prettier than you think. Guys either go for you for the looks (hence the hurt) or they are intimidated by you and stay away. Break the cycle by asking mediocre looking guys out. Guys that you don't really care about but you consider a nice. They'll be happy to be in your company and you start sending out the vibe that you're in the dating mode.
You're a little shy, so you can ask a guy without really asking him. If there's a single guy in your circle of acquaintances, mention that you'd love to go see There Will Be Blood (or any movie or event) but would hate to go alone. There's a good chance the guy will volunteer.
You need to do more casual dating so that "hurt and rejected" will not be the end result. Eventually, you'll attract more guys to your liking.
By Lydia, 19, from Texas:
HI. I have been single for about a year now and I'm ready to date, I've BEEN ready to date. Problem is, is that I'm a little shy, but when I do put myself out there I usually get hurt or rejected. I'm at the end of the line basically, almost completely given up. I mean, I'm no Victoria's Secret model, but hey I'm really pretty, yet I can't seem to even get a guy to look my way, and I just have to wonder, why in the world can't I get a guy to approach me or anything of that matter? It doesn't make sense and I'm so frustrated now. Help!!
VictorM's advice:
Get the hell out of Texas right now! There are far too many gorgeous women down there, parading around in their tight little shorts! The whole state is like a freaking beauty pageant!
OK... I'm kidding (kinda).
Getting hurt and rejected is part of the deal. It happens to everyone, sooner or later. Despite my joking above, chances are that you're much prettier than you think. Guys either go for you for the looks (hence the hurt) or they are intimidated by you and stay away. Break the cycle by asking mediocre looking guys out. Guys that you don't really care about but you consider a nice. They'll be happy to be in your company and you start sending out the vibe that you're in the dating mode.
You're a little shy, so you can ask a guy without really asking him. If there's a single guy in your circle of acquaintances, mention that you'd love to go see There Will Be Blood (or any movie or event) but would hate to go alone. There's a good chance the guy will volunteer.
You need to do more casual dating so that "hurt and rejected" will not be the end result. Eventually, you'll attract more guys to your liking.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I'm in a very complicated relationship
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By Roeleen, 18, from South africa:
I'm in a very complicated relationship. The guy I'm dating has to stay with his ex girlfriend due to cultural reasons. He was chosen to become the next king of his people and his wife has been chosen too. We're in love and he doesn't want to be with her but doesn't want to disrespect his culture. Do I stay wit him or do I leave?
VictorM's advice:
You leave. The decision is his to make. He has to live with the consequences of his choice. Pushing him will most likely backfire later on in life. Let it be his decision.
Giving up a throne for love is not new. In 1936, King Edward VIII gave up the throne of England to marry an American woman. I doubt your prince has a bigger burden than to give up the Kingdom of England, but still, it should be his decision to make. You should walk away.
By Roeleen, 18, from South africa:
I'm in a very complicated relationship. The guy I'm dating has to stay with his ex girlfriend due to cultural reasons. He was chosen to become the next king of his people and his wife has been chosen too. We're in love and he doesn't want to be with her but doesn't want to disrespect his culture. Do I stay wit him or do I leave?
VictorM's advice:
You leave. The decision is his to make. He has to live with the consequences of his choice. Pushing him will most likely backfire later on in life. Let it be his decision.
Giving up a throne for love is not new. In 1936, King Edward VIII gave up the throne of England to marry an American woman. I doubt your prince has a bigger burden than to give up the Kingdom of England, but still, it should be his decision to make. You should walk away.
A whole year younger than me
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By JB, 19, from USA:
I'm starting to date this guy who's a whole year younger than me. I've always dated guys older than me...1 yr, 5 yrs, 18 yrs older. This is the first time dating someone younger. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he likes me, but sometimes when I'm around him I can't help but feel like an old woman. He's polite, and very funny, he jokes around with me but sometimes he's really really quiet. Do you think he thinks about our age difference as much as I do? And how can I get over it?
VictorM's advice:
Age difference?! One year?! That's not an age difference; that's washed out in rounding.
I can't imagine that your ages enters his mind at all. He goes quiet at times because that's part of his personality, not as a result of your math.
You get over it by accepting my new rule in life: when the couple is within one year of each other, they are, for all intents and purposes, considered to be the same age.
Now, go find some real problem with this guy so you can do your girlfriend duty and torment him about it. Go... shoo!
By JB, 19, from USA:
I'm starting to date this guy who's a whole year younger than me. I've always dated guys older than me...1 yr, 5 yrs, 18 yrs older. This is the first time dating someone younger. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he likes me, but sometimes when I'm around him I can't help but feel like an old woman. He's polite, and very funny, he jokes around with me but sometimes he's really really quiet. Do you think he thinks about our age difference as much as I do? And how can I get over it?
VictorM's advice:
Age difference?! One year?! That's not an age difference; that's washed out in rounding.
I can't imagine that your ages enters his mind at all. He goes quiet at times because that's part of his personality, not as a result of your math.
You get over it by accepting my new rule in life: when the couple is within one year of each other, they are, for all intents and purposes, considered to be the same age.
Now, go find some real problem with this guy so you can do your girlfriend duty and torment him about it. Go... shoo!
Did I blow it, or is he really not interested?
Submitted on Sunday, February 24, 2008
By Candela, 37, from New York:
How do I erase this mistake with him?
Met "Z" online, ignored him for a while . He wouldn't give up and finally we talked on the phone forever, had a great connection and set up a Sunday afternoon to meet.
I don't hear from him Friday or Saturday, so I figured he blew me off and forgot about it. Sunday he leaves text messages about the date, which I don't get, so in effect I guess I blew him off. He starts emailing me. I get back to him we hang out finally (Saturday night dinner and I drove to his neighborhood) . Incredible date, I'm naming our future kids on the way home.
He calls me the next day, asks me if I'd like to do it again. Gives no specifics. I go nuts for 5 days. Like an IDIOT I email him, we end up setting up a second meeting. He texts me to postpone the time (helping a friend put up curtains?) I start to refuse, he insists that we still meet. He calls back later to postpone the date for the next day (this time was something I believe is legitimate), I tell him no, I have plans. He tries to make it anyway, I forget it, I'll change my plans. We meet for drinks and make out a tiny bit. He left the next day to visit family, he's coming home Tuesday.
I know I'm an idiot. I deleted all his contact info so I'm not tempted, but is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him, did I blow it, or is he really not interested?
VictorM's advice:
Either I have major comprehension problems, you left out a portion of the story, or you're losing your marbles, but I have no idea what you're really asking me. I'm particularly confused by "is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him." Maybe this submission makes sense to the female mind and female visitors will be kind enough to translate it from "girl talk" to "making sense". :)
Sorry, but I don't know what to tell you unless and until the question makes sense to me.
By Candela, 37, from New York:
How do I erase this mistake with him?
Met "Z" online, ignored him for a while . He wouldn't give up and finally we talked on the phone forever, had a great connection and set up a Sunday afternoon to meet.
I don't hear from him Friday or Saturday, so I figured he blew me off and forgot about it. Sunday he leaves text messages about the date, which I don't get, so in effect I guess I blew him off. He starts emailing me. I get back to him we hang out finally (Saturday night dinner and I drove to his neighborhood) . Incredible date, I'm naming our future kids on the way home.
He calls me the next day, asks me if I'd like to do it again. Gives no specifics. I go nuts for 5 days. Like an IDIOT I email him, we end up setting up a second meeting. He texts me to postpone the time (helping a friend put up curtains?) I start to refuse, he insists that we still meet. He calls back later to postpone the date for the next day (this time was something I believe is legitimate), I tell him no, I have plans. He tries to make it anyway, I forget it, I'll change my plans. We meet for drinks and make out a tiny bit. He left the next day to visit family, he's coming home Tuesday.
I know I'm an idiot. I deleted all his contact info so I'm not tempted, but is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him, did I blow it, or is he really not interested?
VictorM's advice:
Either I have major comprehension problems, you left out a portion of the story, or you're losing your marbles, but I have no idea what you're really asking me. I'm particularly confused by "is there anyway to salvage this by ignoring him." Maybe this submission makes sense to the female mind and female visitors will be kind enough to translate it from "girl talk" to "making sense". :)
Sorry, but I don't know what to tell you unless and until the question makes sense to me.
I can't breathe when you touch me
Submitted on Saturday, February 23, 2008
By Brenda, 20, from pennsylvania:
hi =) i just have a question .. i was hanging out with my guy best friend and my girl best friend the other night were sitting in his car- then halfway through, he gets up and comes and sits in the back with me. we end up staying and just chillin and listening to music for an hour. me and him were leaning into eachother but not sitting close to eachother and my friend just moved her passanger seat back to be like "with us". then as a few minutes went by, we started leaning in closer. i do like my guy best friend, a LOT. and there's always ways that show he might like me to. we have a long history of being friends, but also very very flirty friends. people always ask if there's something going on between us, cuz he treats me differently. and looks at me romantically, but with respect cuz he knows i have morals and such. i know a guy can flirt with anything and anyone, lol but it's just weird. like as we were sitting in his car- he would like touch under my chin, and then when he was in the back seat with me, he pushed my head on HIS shoulder, then put his head on top on mine, and we just sat like that for a good 10 minutes. then later on, he got up, and layed on my lap. his head was on my thigh.. and he would look up at me, and i was playing with his hair/head and when lyrics to a song would come on, he would sing a little louder and touch my knee.. like the lyrics were "i can't breathe when you touch me.." and he like caressed my knee. AHH. lol and stuff.. and it was just.. adorable. and at one part- he put his arm behind his head, but like pulled mine down, so his arm was on my shoulder? but our faces were like right by each other .. it was comfy =) haha but still it was soo weird, and my friend was like "yeahh that's awkwardly sexual?" and he just kept his hands and stuff where they were. and he said i was teasing him cause i was showing my bra to my girlfriend when he wasn't looking, then cover myself quick when he would =) haha. but idk we stayed like that in his car from 12:0Oam-3:0Oam.. just him laying on me.. touching and rubbing my knee, starring up at me, laughing, talking, and it was just so nice.. BUTTTTt besides that night, he's been saying how he wants to get back with his ex girlfriend.? and the other night (after this) he was just watching tv at her house, but texting me seeing what i was up to. which i thought was cute but weird, cuz he was thinking about me after this night.. but idk i feel like he's teasing me, but does have real feelings for me like i do toward him underneath but is scared to lose our amazing bond/friendship if we kissed and such. but idkk it was too flirty to be "comfortable friends".. & he's a guy so i know he'd get sex outta his ex g/f but not from me -- yet anyways cuz i have morals and such.. but idkk what do you think?? gahhh help? :) thanks.
VictorM's advice:
You're so cute it's sickening. Yuck! :-p
Yeah, it's wonderful... the games, the light touching, the "what ifs" that run through your mind... it's great fun. Those are magical moments you never want to end. Yes, there is something erotic about it, but mostly it's a warm and fuzzy feeling. And he's in no rush to spoil it.
There are different types of girlfriends: the ones you just want to play with, and the ones you fantasize being the mother of your children. If you fall in the second category -- and it sounds like you do -- he'll move very slowly on you. First, he needs to get the first type out of his system.
And the talk about his ex-girlfriend? It's nothing. Guys often say stuff like that to the girl they like to see if there's a reaction. Makes us feel more wanted. Dumb logic, I know, but we all do it.
hi =) i just have a question .. i was hanging out with my guy best friend and my girl best friend the other night were sitting in his car- then halfway through, he gets up and comes and sits in the back with me. we end up staying and just chillin and listening to music for an hour. me and him were leaning into eachother but not sitting close to eachother and my friend just moved her passanger seat back to be like "with us". then as a few minutes went by, we started leaning in closer. i do like my guy best friend, a LOT. and there's always ways that show he might like me to. we have a long history of being friends, but also very very flirty friends. people always ask if there's something going on between us, cuz he treats me differently. and looks at me romantically, but with respect cuz he knows i have morals and such. i know a guy can flirt with anything and anyone, lol but it's just weird. like as we were sitting in his car- he would like touch under my chin, and then when he was in the back seat with me, he pushed my head on HIS shoulder, then put his head on top on mine, and we just sat like that for a good 10 minutes. then later on, he got up, and layed on my lap. his head was on my thigh.. and he would look up at me, and i was playing with his hair/head and when lyrics to a song would come on, he would sing a little louder and touch my knee.. like the lyrics were "i can't breathe when you touch me.." and he like caressed my knee. AHH. lol and stuff.. and it was just.. adorable. and at one part- he put his arm behind his head, but like pulled mine down, so his arm was on my shoulder? but our faces were like right by each other .. it was comfy =) haha but still it was soo weird, and my friend was like "yeahh that's awkwardly sexual?" and he just kept his hands and stuff where they were. and he said i was teasing him cause i was showing my bra to my girlfriend when he wasn't looking, then cover myself quick when he would =) haha. but idk we stayed like that in his car from 12:0Oam-3:0Oam.. just him laying on me.. touching and rubbing my knee, starring up at me, laughing, talking, and it was just so nice.. BUTTTTt besides that night, he's been saying how he wants to get back with his ex girlfriend.? and the other night (after this) he was just watching tv at her house, but texting me seeing what i was up to. which i thought was cute but weird, cuz he was thinking about me after this night.. but idk i feel like he's teasing me, but does have real feelings for me like i do toward him underneath but is scared to lose our amazing bond/friendship if we kissed and such. but idkk it was too flirty to be "comfortable friends".. & he's a guy so i know he'd get sex outta his ex g/f but not from me -- yet anyways cuz i have morals and such.. but idkk what do you think?? gahhh help? :) thanks.
VictorM's advice:
You're so cute it's sickening. Yuck! :-p
Yeah, it's wonderful... the games, the light touching, the "what ifs" that run through your mind... it's great fun. Those are magical moments you never want to end. Yes, there is something erotic about it, but mostly it's a warm and fuzzy feeling. And he's in no rush to spoil it.
There are different types of girlfriends: the ones you just want to play with, and the ones you fantasize being the mother of your children. If you fall in the second category -- and it sounds like you do -- he'll move very slowly on you. First, he needs to get the first type out of his system.
And the talk about his ex-girlfriend? It's nothing. Guys often say stuff like that to the girl they like to see if there's a reaction. Makes us feel more wanted. Dumb logic, I know, but we all do it.
How can I possibly measure up to THAT?
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008 By Sara, 25:
While at a bookstore with a guy I have been casually dating for sometime now (a little under a year or so...not exclusive but I hope we will be eventually...we're getting there)...he was looking at a magazine. He came across a sex article which had a photo of a very attractive blonde girl. She was lying on a bed wearing a tiny, lacy tank top and veeeeery skimpy underwear. My date was obviously impressed and was like "Whooooah....this is hot. Damn...She's hot....Seriously, look at what she's wearing. Woooooow." And he kept flipping back to that page. He also has told me who his celebrity crush is and how hot she is. At movies he tells me when one of the actresses is hot. I have told him which male celebrity I have a crush on as well, but only because he asked me. I don't however excessively talk about my celeb crush or any other guys right in front of the guy I'm dating, though. Well, my date however practically jacks off to these pictures right in front of me at the borders bookstore!....LOL....Ok, I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect, but you catch my drift! He makes it obvious he's liking what he sees. I told a friend about this and she was like, "He's probably just trying to make you jealous." But I really DON'T think he was. He would show me the piture in the magazine for example, but I don't think I noticed him glancing up at me for my reaction at all though....I really think he was just so taken by her, that impulsively, he had to show me...I DO KNOW that there is NOTHING WRONG with him having crushes on, or getting horny over some other girl (PARTICULARLY If she is a celebrity or girl in a magazine that he will likely never meet)...but it just makes me uncomfortable and jealous. I mean he has told me I'M hot, and whatever....He takes pictures of my ass and boobs while we play sports at the bar if I'm not looking. (He's never seen me naked...but I have worn low cut tops in front of him and tight jeans, etc.)And he wrote on my facebook wall once that he thinks I'm beautiful. So I think he finds me attractive...But when he shows me these pictures of SUPERMODELS, and DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOUBLE D CHESTED GIRLS....Of course I'm insecure that THAT'S what he finds attractive. I am always told I am attractive by others...I have modeled a bit for small companies...Hoewever...I can't help but feel like "How can I possibly measure up to THAT???" Of course he likes them and likes looking at them....they are BEAUTIFUL. And I like looking at a good looking male as much as any other staight female, and I do....But does he have to tell me anytime he thinks one of these girls is basically turning him on? Can't that be his own little private thought to himself? Why tell me?
VictorM's advice:
He tells you because in his mind you have no reason to be jealous at all or feel that you don't measure up. Getting you jealous is not the intent. He simply sees something that he finds beautiful and wants to share it with you. Yeah, it's a naive thing to do, but hey, in the simple mind of guys, that's what's going on. I bet he'd be shocked to know it bothers you.
At least when he talks about crushes and other girls he's communicating with you. You're the one that needs to tell him that you'd prefer if he kept it to himself. If you do it nicely ("I have no problems with you looking at those pictures and having celebrity crushes, but I'd prefer if you didn't tell me") he should get the message.
How old is this guy? 15, 16? :-p
While at a bookstore with a guy I have been casually dating for sometime now (a little under a year or so...not exclusive but I hope we will be eventually...we're getting there)...he was looking at a magazine. He came across a sex article which had a photo of a very attractive blonde girl. She was lying on a bed wearing a tiny, lacy tank top and veeeeery skimpy underwear. My date was obviously impressed and was like "Whooooah....this is hot. Damn...She's hot....Seriously, look at what she's wearing. Woooooow." And he kept flipping back to that page. He also has told me who his celebrity crush is and how hot she is. At movies he tells me when one of the actresses is hot. I have told him which male celebrity I have a crush on as well, but only because he asked me. I don't however excessively talk about my celeb crush or any other guys right in front of the guy I'm dating, though. Well, my date however practically jacks off to these pictures right in front of me at the borders bookstore!....LOL....Ok, I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect, but you catch my drift! He makes it obvious he's liking what he sees. I told a friend about this and she was like, "He's probably just trying to make you jealous." But I really DON'T think he was. He would show me the piture in the magazine for example, but I don't think I noticed him glancing up at me for my reaction at all though....I really think he was just so taken by her, that impulsively, he had to show me...I DO KNOW that there is NOTHING WRONG with him having crushes on, or getting horny over some other girl (PARTICULARLY If she is a celebrity or girl in a magazine that he will likely never meet)...but it just makes me uncomfortable and jealous. I mean he has told me I'M hot, and whatever....He takes pictures of my ass and boobs while we play sports at the bar if I'm not looking. (He's never seen me naked...but I have worn low cut tops in front of him and tight jeans, etc.)And he wrote on my facebook wall once that he thinks I'm beautiful. So I think he finds me attractive...But when he shows me these pictures of SUPERMODELS, and DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOUBLE D CHESTED GIRLS....Of course I'm insecure that THAT'S what he finds attractive. I am always told I am attractive by others...I have modeled a bit for small companies...Hoewever...I can't help but feel like "How can I possibly measure up to THAT???" Of course he likes them and likes looking at them....they are BEAUTIFUL. And I like looking at a good looking male as much as any other staight female, and I do....But does he have to tell me anytime he thinks one of these girls is basically turning him on? Can't that be his own little private thought to himself? Why tell me?
VictorM's advice:
He tells you because in his mind you have no reason to be jealous at all or feel that you don't measure up. Getting you jealous is not the intent. He simply sees something that he finds beautiful and wants to share it with you. Yeah, it's a naive thing to do, but hey, in the simple mind of guys, that's what's going on. I bet he'd be shocked to know it bothers you.
At least when he talks about crushes and other girls he's communicating with you. You're the one that needs to tell him that you'd prefer if he kept it to himself. If you do it nicely ("I have no problems with you looking at those pictures and having celebrity crushes, but I'd prefer if you didn't tell me") he should get the message.
How old is this guy? 15, 16? :-p
Monday, February 25, 2008
I'm having trouble planning dates
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By mimi, 20, from U.S.A:
By mimi, 20, from U.S.A:
I currently have a job that requires me to work after 8 pm - 1 am everyday of the week. After work, I'm usually tired and just go home. However, I'm having trouble planning dates as it is hard to do things during the day. I need help? What are some things that guys enjoy that can be done before 7/8? (especially in winter!) I feel so left out and I rarely get to go on dates; also, do you think guys would mind the fact that I can only hang out at certain times? I need my job at the moment and I enjoy it as well and the pay is good. So what do I doo?? HELP ME, thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
There are tons of things you can do during the day: bowling, ice skating, museums, billiards, movies (yeah, they have matinées), skying, hiking, lunch, paint ball, roasting marshmallows by the fireplace, etc. Frankly, the options are so many. Don't let your work hours deter you from dating. If guys like you, they could care less about the hours.
Plus, what do you do on weekends?
VictorM's advice:
There are tons of things you can do during the day: bowling, ice skating, museums, billiards, movies (yeah, they have matinées), skying, hiking, lunch, paint ball, roasting marshmallows by the fireplace, etc. Frankly, the options are so many. Don't let your work hours deter you from dating. If guys like you, they could care less about the hours.
Plus, what do you do on weekends?
Was he ever really interested?
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Amanda, from USA:
A guy I had been talking to for a while asked me out, and I agreed. I then found out (first through his ex, then him) that he was still sleeping with his ex. I agreed to back off until things cooled down, and after a quiet period, we've begun talking about non-work topics again. Was he ever really interested?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he was interested, but if he asked you out, he must have been. The fact that he was still having sex with his ex has nothing to do with what he might think about you.
There's a lot of reasons a guy sleeps with his ex, including pity, habit, opportunity, "hey, she's willing," and many more reasons that have nothing to do with feelings. I don't see why a guy who starts dating a girl should stop having sex with another until the dating evolves into a steady and committed relationship.
*I know, I'm going to get hell for this answer*
By Amanda, from USA:
A guy I had been talking to for a while asked me out, and I agreed. I then found out (first through his ex, then him) that he was still sleeping with his ex. I agreed to back off until things cooled down, and after a quiet period, we've begun talking about non-work topics again. Was he ever really interested?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he was interested, but if he asked you out, he must have been. The fact that he was still having sex with his ex has nothing to do with what he might think about you.
There's a lot of reasons a guy sleeps with his ex, including pity, habit, opportunity, "hey, she's willing," and many more reasons that have nothing to do with feelings. I don't see why a guy who starts dating a girl should stop having sex with another until the dating evolves into a steady and committed relationship.
*I know, I'm going to get hell for this answer*
Our relationship has been more of a "friends with benefits"
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Tess, 23, from Colorado:
I have been seeing the same guy for the past three and a half years. He is someone that I love and can see myself having a wonderful future with. However right now we are off, and have been for the past two years. Frankly, our relationship has been more of a "friends with benefits." We see each other almost everyday, and even spend holidays and birthdays together. The problem is, that he wants us to remain this way because, he gets what he wants without all of the hassle. I want the title of girlfriend and boyfriend. The reasoning behind this is because I want to feel wanted and not taken advantage of. I have waited for two years for him to make a commitment to me, but each time I bring up the subject, it turns into a huge fight and things get no where. Why is keeping the relationship like this so important to him? And why won't he make a commitment to me? Two years seems long enough to wait, am I being silly by asking for more out of him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being silly. But that's because you're in denial. You simple refuse to accept the obvious: he's not into you. That's why he doesn't want to commit. You're just filling a void until he finds the girl of his dreams.
By Tess, 23, from Colorado:
I have been seeing the same guy for the past three and a half years. He is someone that I love and can see myself having a wonderful future with. However right now we are off, and have been for the past two years. Frankly, our relationship has been more of a "friends with benefits." We see each other almost everyday, and even spend holidays and birthdays together. The problem is, that he wants us to remain this way because, he gets what he wants without all of the hassle. I want the title of girlfriend and boyfriend. The reasoning behind this is because I want to feel wanted and not taken advantage of. I have waited for two years for him to make a commitment to me, but each time I bring up the subject, it turns into a huge fight and things get no where. Why is keeping the relationship like this so important to him? And why won't he make a commitment to me? Two years seems long enough to wait, am I being silly by asking for more out of him?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being silly. But that's because you're in denial. You simple refuse to accept the obvious: he's not into you. That's why he doesn't want to commit. You're just filling a void until he finds the girl of his dreams.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
We have talked about dating
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Sharon, 31, from New Hampshire:
This guy and I that work together have been hanging out a lot. We have talked about dating but he says he doesn't want to get involved or go down that path in case we aren't friends anymore. Is this his way of just saying he really isn't interested in me or is this like a valid reason?
VictorM's advice:
It's a very valid reason. Consider that for men, the three most traumatic experiences are: loss of a loved one, divorce, and loss of a job. There is a connection between being employed and a man's sense of worth. Guys are generally more fearful of losing their jobs than girls are. That should be a factor when you consider his level of interest in you.
He also has a point about what your relationship at work would be like if you try going out and it fails. More so if there is bad blood after the break-up. This possibility is made more serious by the point I made above.
Of course, you can solve this quickly: get a job at another company (I'm kidding, but not by much). Seriously, are you into this guy enough that you would quit your job for him? If you are, you should discuss it with him and consider doing it (you'd also call his bluff); if you're not, you should understand how he feels.
By Sharon, 31, from New Hampshire:
This guy and I that work together have been hanging out a lot. We have talked about dating but he says he doesn't want to get involved or go down that path in case we aren't friends anymore. Is this his way of just saying he really isn't interested in me or is this like a valid reason?
VictorM's advice:
It's a very valid reason. Consider that for men, the three most traumatic experiences are: loss of a loved one, divorce, and loss of a job. There is a connection between being employed and a man's sense of worth. Guys are generally more fearful of losing their jobs than girls are. That should be a factor when you consider his level of interest in you.
He also has a point about what your relationship at work would be like if you try going out and it fails. More so if there is bad blood after the break-up. This possibility is made more serious by the point I made above.
Of course, you can solve this quickly: get a job at another company (I'm kidding, but not by much). Seriously, are you into this guy enough that you would quit your job for him? If you are, you should discuss it with him and consider doing it (you'd also call his bluff); if you're not, you should understand how he feels.
He seemed to disappear and not call
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By kee, 30, from richmond:
I was in a good relationship with this really great guy. The problem is that he used to call me every night,then he started calling maybe 3 times a week. We used to spend every weekend together, then he seemed to disappear and not call. So I started messing around with a guy who I used to like. We had sex and I also messed around with my current guy. I got caught up and I ended up with an STD and I had to tell my current guy. Well quite naturally he found out I had messed around because he was negative and I couldn't believe it because I used protection with the other guy and not him. Well, he broke up with me because he said that he could not trust me. I was really hurt, but then he called me one night and we started back talking and we had sex but of course he used protection then he stopped using it again. Does this mean that he really wants to be with me or is something else going on. Please help me to understand.
VictorM's advice:
I laughed at the end of your submission. It's not that I was making fun of you, it's just that it amuses when I see a woman trying to make a connection between a man's sexual behavior and his feelings.
All it means is he wants to fuck you, and he prefers to do so without a condom. And that's all it means. To know if something else is going on, you have to look for other signs.
By kee, 30, from richmond:
I was in a good relationship with this really great guy. The problem is that he used to call me every night,then he started calling maybe 3 times a week. We used to spend every weekend together, then he seemed to disappear and not call. So I started messing around with a guy who I used to like. We had sex and I also messed around with my current guy. I got caught up and I ended up with an STD and I had to tell my current guy. Well quite naturally he found out I had messed around because he was negative and I couldn't believe it because I used protection with the other guy and not him. Well, he broke up with me because he said that he could not trust me. I was really hurt, but then he called me one night and we started back talking and we had sex but of course he used protection then he stopped using it again. Does this mean that he really wants to be with me or is something else going on. Please help me to understand.
VictorM's advice:
I laughed at the end of your submission. It's not that I was making fun of you, it's just that it amuses when I see a woman trying to make a connection between a man's sexual behavior and his feelings.
All it means is he wants to fuck you, and he prefers to do so without a condom. And that's all it means. To know if something else is going on, you have to look for other signs.
How can I ask him for his phone number without seeming too pushy?
Submitted on Friday, February 22, 2008
By Chris, 22, from Texas:
I’ve learned that love finds you in some of the oddest ways. My story has to be the most unusual one that you will hear. But before I get to that... I want you to keep in mind that I am a 22 year-old beautiful woman. Finding love closer to me has never been a problem... but I NEVER expected for something like this to happen. I’ve met this wonderful man through myspace around Christmas ‘07. He lives in California and I’m in Texas (I’ve been saving up for the past 3 months so I can move to California... this was my plan before I met him). We write each other every chance we get (we both lead busy lives). We would talk about friends... family... our jobs... and what we did for fun. We have common ground... but we have differences. He’s given me advice when I needed it and I know that I can trust him. He’s told me that he likes to read my messages and that I’m an interesting person and someone very special to him. He even has me as number 4 on his top friends list. Well... for the past four weeks... I’ve been getting “butterflies-in-my-stomach” when I see a new letter from him. Three weekends ago... we were on myspace at the same time so we IM-ed each other. During our conversation... I told him that I love to cuddle but I couldn’t find someone who felt the same. He told me “you found me” and I didn’t know how to take it so I left it alone. He wanted to make me soup ‘cause I was sick. We didn’t talk for very long... but before he left he said that he was going to cook for our date tomorrow. He said “let’s meet in our dreams” and said that he would be back on the next day. He sent me the hug and kiss emotion and then logged off. We did talk the next day... but not for very long. He was tired and wanted to sleep. He kept on telling me how bad he felt about leaving. I told him that I was fine by it and told him to catch up on his rest. He told me that he would talk to me later and I let him know that I looked forward to it. He left a smiley face with hearts in the eyes. Sent the kiss emotion and logged off. If we are not online at the same time... we end up writing letters to each other throughout the week. Well... I wrote him a really long letter. I told him about the passing of my grandmother and why it’s important to let the people around you know that you care. I sent him a really sweet and simple e-card as a thank you for helping me with the advice. He wrote me a short letter that started out with “Hello my love”... something that he never did before. In this letter he tells me that he liked the e-card and letter a lot. And then he says... “I just hope that you aren't too upset with me for not being on for such a while. I really haven't forgotten about you at all.” He ends the letter with “love” and his name. Like the “Hello my love”... saying “love” before his name never happened until this point. I know it sounds stupid... but I am really beginning to care for him. I just feel like there is something special between us. I don’t know what he feels for me and I am too nervous to flat out ask. I am usually not like this. I am the type of person who is not afraid of anything... I am NOT shy... and I usually speak my mind. I’ve tried to shake this... thinking that it might be an infatuation... but I can’t. This has never happened to me and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to ask him for his number... but I don’t know how. The words he wrote to me makes it seem like he’s interested in me. I know that he’s a shy around girls... but I want to know if he is interested. How can I get him interested in me? I want to ask him for his number... but I don’t want to scare him away. How can I ask him for his phone number without seeming too pushy? I REALLY want to talk to him other than through myspace and hear his voice. Please... help me.
VictorM's advice:
You really think that a guy who would be scared away by you asking for his phone number is worth a submission this long, not to mention the infatuation you display?
How do you ask him for his phone number? You don't have to. Simply say that chatting on myspace is fun but you'd like to hear his voice. If he doesn't offer to talk to you on the phone right away, you should be the one to run away scared!
By Chris, 22, from Texas:
I’ve learned that love finds you in some of the oddest ways. My story has to be the most unusual one that you will hear. But before I get to that... I want you to keep in mind that I am a 22 year-old beautiful woman. Finding love closer to me has never been a problem... but I NEVER expected for something like this to happen. I’ve met this wonderful man through myspace around Christmas ‘07. He lives in California and I’m in Texas (I’ve been saving up for the past 3 months so I can move to California... this was my plan before I met him). We write each other every chance we get (we both lead busy lives). We would talk about friends... family... our jobs... and what we did for fun. We have common ground... but we have differences. He’s given me advice when I needed it and I know that I can trust him. He’s told me that he likes to read my messages and that I’m an interesting person and someone very special to him. He even has me as number 4 on his top friends list. Well... for the past four weeks... I’ve been getting “butterflies-in-my-stomach” when I see a new letter from him. Three weekends ago... we were on myspace at the same time so we IM-ed each other. During our conversation... I told him that I love to cuddle but I couldn’t find someone who felt the same. He told me “you found me” and I didn’t know how to take it so I left it alone. He wanted to make me soup ‘cause I was sick. We didn’t talk for very long... but before he left he said that he was going to cook for our date tomorrow. He said “let’s meet in our dreams” and said that he would be back on the next day. He sent me the hug and kiss emotion and then logged off. We did talk the next day... but not for very long. He was tired and wanted to sleep. He kept on telling me how bad he felt about leaving. I told him that I was fine by it and told him to catch up on his rest. He told me that he would talk to me later and I let him know that I looked forward to it. He left a smiley face with hearts in the eyes. Sent the kiss emotion and logged off. If we are not online at the same time... we end up writing letters to each other throughout the week. Well... I wrote him a really long letter. I told him about the passing of my grandmother and why it’s important to let the people around you know that you care. I sent him a really sweet and simple e-card as a thank you for helping me with the advice. He wrote me a short letter that started out with “Hello my love”... something that he never did before. In this letter he tells me that he liked the e-card and letter a lot. And then he says... “I just hope that you aren't too upset with me for not being on for such a while. I really haven't forgotten about you at all.” He ends the letter with “love” and his name. Like the “Hello my love”... saying “love” before his name never happened until this point. I know it sounds stupid... but I am really beginning to care for him. I just feel like there is something special between us. I don’t know what he feels for me and I am too nervous to flat out ask. I am usually not like this. I am the type of person who is not afraid of anything... I am NOT shy... and I usually speak my mind. I’ve tried to shake this... thinking that it might be an infatuation... but I can’t. This has never happened to me and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to ask him for his number... but I don’t know how. The words he wrote to me makes it seem like he’s interested in me. I know that he’s a shy around girls... but I want to know if he is interested. How can I get him interested in me? I want to ask him for his number... but I don’t want to scare him away. How can I ask him for his phone number without seeming too pushy? I REALLY want to talk to him other than through myspace and hear his voice. Please... help me.
VictorM's advice:
You really think that a guy who would be scared away by you asking for his phone number is worth a submission this long, not to mention the infatuation you display?
How do you ask him for his phone number? You don't have to. Simply say that chatting on myspace is fun but you'd like to hear his voice. If he doesn't offer to talk to you on the phone right away, you should be the one to run away scared!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
We started to connect and then he freaked out
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By Erica, 26, from Arizona:
I have known this guy for 8 months. We started to connect and then he freaked out and said he didn't want to lead me on. In January of this year we started dating and as of now, one month later in February, he said he is unsure of his feelings (again). I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster with him. I have intense feelings for him but haven't shared them because I don't want to get hurt. A lot of people tell me to share them because he doesn't know unless I share them. My question is that why is he unsure of how he feels again when it's clear the chemistry is there and how we are around each other (hugging, kissing, not sleeping together) is very real?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know the real motivation for his doubts, but I see no point in you not sharing your feelings openly.
Let him know exactly how intense your feelings for him are. It will either give him reassurance or scare the hell out of him. Either way, you're bound to get a better result than the emotional roller coaster you're riding.
By Erica, 26, from Arizona:
I have known this guy for 8 months. We started to connect and then he freaked out and said he didn't want to lead me on. In January of this year we started dating and as of now, one month later in February, he said he is unsure of his feelings (again). I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster with him. I have intense feelings for him but haven't shared them because I don't want to get hurt. A lot of people tell me to share them because he doesn't know unless I share them. My question is that why is he unsure of how he feels again when it's clear the chemistry is there and how we are around each other (hugging, kissing, not sleeping together) is very real?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know the real motivation for his doubts, but I see no point in you not sharing your feelings openly.
Let him know exactly how intense your feelings for him are. It will either give him reassurance or scare the hell out of him. Either way, you're bound to get a better result than the emotional roller coaster you're riding.
He keeps inviting me over his house
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By j, 24, from dc:
I have been talking to a guy who is 32 for about 5 months and he said that he wants a friend but he asked me if I am thinking about him, he asked me what I wanted from him and keeps inviting me over his house and acts jealous when I tell him I am going out with friends. He also asked about sex. What do you think he wants?
VictorM's advice:
Sex.
By j, 24, from dc:
I have been talking to a guy who is 32 for about 5 months and he said that he wants a friend but he asked me if I am thinking about him, he asked me what I wanted from him and keeps inviting me over his house and acts jealous when I tell him I am going out with friends. He also asked about sex. What do you think he wants?
VictorM's advice:
Sex.
My complicated love story
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By frances, 32, from philippines:
Okay here goes my complicated love story.. I currently have a relationship with a man who is way older than me and I mean, he's about 20 years older than me.. We've been seeing each other for about 2 years now. He is a widower and has grown children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, his kids don't want him to re-marry anymore. I think the reason is because they are filthy rich. I have grown to love him over the years.
When I started working, I met someone. We've been seing each other for about a year now. We broke up then got back together again. And this guy has a girlfriend and a they have a kid together. They are living together and he goes home to them over the weekends.
We've been seeing each other only here in the office. We almost had sex but we engage in oral sex already. The problem is, I'm having feelings for him already. I don't know if he feels the same way I do. I'm not expecting that he'll leave his girlfriend and kid for me. I'm afraid to ask him about it the real score between us. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're a glutton for punishment, or maybe you really don't want a serious relationship, hence your attraction to guys you can't keep.
You're afraid to ask him because you already know the real score: you're just an office fling to him.
By frances, 32, from philippines:
Okay here goes my complicated love story.. I currently have a relationship with a man who is way older than me and I mean, he's about 20 years older than me.. We've been seeing each other for about 2 years now. He is a widower and has grown children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, his kids don't want him to re-marry anymore. I think the reason is because they are filthy rich. I have grown to love him over the years.
When I started working, I met someone. We've been seing each other for about a year now. We broke up then got back together again. And this guy has a girlfriend and a they have a kid together. They are living together and he goes home to them over the weekends.
We've been seeing each other only here in the office. We almost had sex but we engage in oral sex already. The problem is, I'm having feelings for him already. I don't know if he feels the same way I do. I'm not expecting that he'll leave his girlfriend and kid for me. I'm afraid to ask him about it the real score between us. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're a glutton for punishment, or maybe you really don't want a serious relationship, hence your attraction to guys you can't keep.
You're afraid to ask him because you already know the real score: you're just an office fling to him.
He slipped me his number
Submitted on Thursday, February 21, 2008
By zared, 15, from yorktown:
I went to a party on Halloween. My friend introduced me to this guy and we hit it off. We were making out and everything and before I left he slipped me his number so I called him that night and he asked me to be his girlfriend so I said ok. Well, we were off and on and a few weeks ago. We finally decided that we were going to have sex but we never did because my sister got my phone and started to text him and I have no idea what she said. Then he told me I was annoying and now wants nothing to do with me. So my question is how do I get him back?
VictorM's advice:
Your story sounds a bit fishy because your phone should keep the text messages that she sent. It would be very easy to read them and know what they said. But anyway, I'll play along...
Did you tell him you weren't the one who sent the annoying messages? If you did and he still won't talk to you then I'd say he's using it as just an excuse to breakup with you.
Instead of waisting energy trying to getting him back, wait for the next party and you'll meet some other guy who will be into you for a few days/weeks if you make out with him at the party.
I went to a party on Halloween. My friend introduced me to this guy and we hit it off. We were making out and everything and before I left he slipped me his number so I called him that night and he asked me to be his girlfriend so I said ok. Well, we were off and on and a few weeks ago. We finally decided that we were going to have sex but we never did because my sister got my phone and started to text him and I have no idea what she said. Then he told me I was annoying and now wants nothing to do with me. So my question is how do I get him back?
VictorM's advice:
Your story sounds a bit fishy because your phone should keep the text messages that she sent. It would be very easy to read them and know what they said. But anyway, I'll play along...
Did you tell him you weren't the one who sent the annoying messages? If you did and he still won't talk to you then I'd say he's using it as just an excuse to breakup with you.
Instead of waisting energy trying to getting him back, wait for the next party and you'll meet some other guy who will be into you for a few days/weeks if you make out with him at the party.
Friday, February 22, 2008
NOTICE: Follow-up questions/comments
Up until now, if someone had a follow-up question or comment, I posted those as separate entries. From now on, I'm going to ask that if you have a follow-up question or comment, please use the VISITOR COMMENT section below your initial question instead of a new submission. This way, we get better continuity because it's easier to reference the original question and answer.
If you submit your follow-up via the submit form, I'll copy and paste it into the VISITOR COMMENT under the original question. I have already done this for three people: Brittany, Shannon, and Monica.
Thanks.
If you submit your follow-up via the submit form, I'll copy and paste it into the VISITOR COMMENT under the original question. I have already done this for three people: Brittany, Shannon, and Monica.
Thanks.
We almost did the deed for the first time
Submitted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008
By Nicki, 21, from Texas:
I have been talking to this guy for like a year already, and the other night we almost did the deed for the first time. He got up like twice so nothing got to happen. He started acting strange. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. The next day came and I tried to call him and he didn't answer. When I finally talk to him I asked him to go out and he said not tonight. I feel like he is avoiding me and I'm scared. I want to ask him if he thinks that we will ever move to the next step and be in a relationship. Twice he has gotten jealous, but he does not act like my boyfriend. Should I ask him the question and just get it over and done with it? Or should I just wait and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
You say you have been talking for a year. That doesn't sound like you were boyfriend/girlfriend. And you also say that he doesn't act like your boyfriend. So I'm going to assume you have a fairly passive relationship at best.
With that in mind, I can think of two distinctive possibilities: One, he was nervous about having sex with you (maybe he's inexperienced?) and since you came so close to sex that one night he's avoiding you because he's not ready for sex; or two, he saw the almost sex situation as being too close to the start of a relationship and he doesn't want that.
What's the point of asking where you're headed when it doesn't appear you are anywhere yet? Besides, asking that question sets the guy up either to lie or run for the hills. You don't have to ask. Whether it's the fear of sex or of commitment, if he doesn't seek you, you get a more truthful answer.
By Nicki, 21, from Texas:
I have been talking to this guy for like a year already, and the other night we almost did the deed for the first time. He got up like twice so nothing got to happen. He started acting strange. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. The next day came and I tried to call him and he didn't answer. When I finally talk to him I asked him to go out and he said not tonight. I feel like he is avoiding me and I'm scared. I want to ask him if he thinks that we will ever move to the next step and be in a relationship. Twice he has gotten jealous, but he does not act like my boyfriend. Should I ask him the question and just get it over and done with it? Or should I just wait and see what happens?
VictorM's advice:
You say you have been talking for a year. That doesn't sound like you were boyfriend/girlfriend. And you also say that he doesn't act like your boyfriend. So I'm going to assume you have a fairly passive relationship at best.
With that in mind, I can think of two distinctive possibilities: One, he was nervous about having sex with you (maybe he's inexperienced?) and since you came so close to sex that one night he's avoiding you because he's not ready for sex; or two, he saw the almost sex situation as being too close to the start of a relationship and he doesn't want that.
What's the point of asking where you're headed when it doesn't appear you are anywhere yet? Besides, asking that question sets the guy up either to lie or run for the hills. You don't have to ask. Whether it's the fear of sex or of commitment, if he doesn't seek you, you get a more truthful answer.
He is just happy seeing me two days a week
Submitted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008
By Ariadna, 30, from los angeles:
I have been dating this guy who seems more eager to spend time with his couch than with me. I have talked to him about it but his answer is that he is just happy seeing me two days a week for an hour or so. I am not sure he cares for me because in my opinion if he did care he will make an effort to spend more time with me. What do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't blame you. Two hours a week is nothing. You can't develop a steady relationship on that. But hey, at least the guy was straight with you.
You should look for some other guy who is more in sync with you and shares a desire to spent more time together.
Must be some fine couch he got there. :)
By Ariadna, 30, from los angeles:
I have been dating this guy who seems more eager to spend time with his couch than with me. I have talked to him about it but his answer is that he is just happy seeing me two days a week for an hour or so. I am not sure he cares for me because in my opinion if he did care he will make an effort to spend more time with me. What do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't blame you. Two hours a week is nothing. You can't develop a steady relationship on that. But hey, at least the guy was straight with you.
You should look for some other guy who is more in sync with you and shares a desire to spent more time together.
Must be some fine couch he got there. :)
Now that the sex happened I really like him
Submitted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008
By Anonymous D, 19, from Mo-town:
I have been in college since August and met this boy. Me and him have been talking since. I found out in October he had a girlfriend and another chick on the side besides me. So I stopped talking to him for like a month. Then his boy who is like a brother to me told me that he thinks he has changed and I should give him another chance. I do and a month later we had sex (we started going out). Then his old girl on the side moves down here and he kind of stops talking to me. We talk sometimes and we both say we're trying to stop liking each other. Well I really like him and I know he likes me too, he just says I'm crazy and he doesn't have time for that. So what do I do, try to make it official again to see what happens? Leave him alone or what? Because now that the sex happened I really like him.
VictorM's advice:
What part of you're crazy and he doesn't have time for that didn't you understand?
I don't think that making it official is up to you. He has the other girl and he thinks you're crazy. I think you're shit out of luck.
By Anonymous D, 19, from Mo-town:
I have been in college since August and met this boy. Me and him have been talking since. I found out in October he had a girlfriend and another chick on the side besides me. So I stopped talking to him for like a month. Then his boy who is like a brother to me told me that he thinks he has changed and I should give him another chance. I do and a month later we had sex (we started going out). Then his old girl on the side moves down here and he kind of stops talking to me. We talk sometimes and we both say we're trying to stop liking each other. Well I really like him and I know he likes me too, he just says I'm crazy and he doesn't have time for that. So what do I do, try to make it official again to see what happens? Leave him alone or what? Because now that the sex happened I really like him.
VictorM's advice:
What part of you're crazy and he doesn't have time for that didn't you understand?
I don't think that making it official is up to you. He has the other girl and he thinks you're crazy. I think you're shit out of luck.
Things have moved rather fast
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
I've been dating a guy for a month now. Things have moved rather fast, and we are spending a lot of time together. We have agreed to be exclusive, and have both agreed that at this point in our lives we are looking for a serious relationship (marriage eventually). The problem is, we have had sex three times, and there seems to be a bit of a problem with "erectile dysfunction". To put it bluntly, he has lost it twice during the act. I've never encountered this problem before, and I'm not sure how to deal with it?? I don't think it is a medical problem, so I can't help but feel that it is personal...but, he seems attracted to me and interested in sex. There has been one "successful" encounter. I guess I have multiple questions, do I take this personally, is this abnormal, what can I do about this? Otherwise, everything seems really good.
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you must do is not take it personally. His ED has nothing to do with you. It's either a physical or emotional problem that has nothing to do with you.
Some guys require having sex with the same partner several before they can fire on all cylinders. Sometimes it's hit and miss, but in these cases, once a guy feels safe and confident, all will be fine after a while. You could just give it a few more times and see how it goes. Meanwhile, be understanding without making a big fuss about it.
Alcohol can be an issue. If the pattern is related to the amount of drinking involved, get him used to drinking water. Drugs could also be a problem. In addition, there could be other factors, such as stress, worry, and anxiety, that affect him sometimes. Make sure the environment is to his liking and that he's comfortable in with the setting.
If the problem persists, a visit to a sex therapist or a doctor is in order. You really don't know if there's a medical problem or not. With drugs such as Viagra, Cialis and others, this doesn't have to be an issue, so don't allow this to blow out of proportion.
But in any case, it's not you. If a guy gets excited enough to want to be with you, anything after that is not you. And blaming yourself, believe it or not, just adds to his stress, so don't do it.
By julie, 35, from minnesota:
I've been dating a guy for a month now. Things have moved rather fast, and we are spending a lot of time together. We have agreed to be exclusive, and have both agreed that at this point in our lives we are looking for a serious relationship (marriage eventually). The problem is, we have had sex three times, and there seems to be a bit of a problem with "erectile dysfunction". To put it bluntly, he has lost it twice during the act. I've never encountered this problem before, and I'm not sure how to deal with it?? I don't think it is a medical problem, so I can't help but feel that it is personal...but, he seems attracted to me and interested in sex. There has been one "successful" encounter. I guess I have multiple questions, do I take this personally, is this abnormal, what can I do about this? Otherwise, everything seems really good.
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you must do is not take it personally. His ED has nothing to do with you. It's either a physical or emotional problem that has nothing to do with you.
Some guys require having sex with the same partner several before they can fire on all cylinders. Sometimes it's hit and miss, but in these cases, once a guy feels safe and confident, all will be fine after a while. You could just give it a few more times and see how it goes. Meanwhile, be understanding without making a big fuss about it.
Alcohol can be an issue. If the pattern is related to the amount of drinking involved, get him used to drinking water. Drugs could also be a problem. In addition, there could be other factors, such as stress, worry, and anxiety, that affect him sometimes. Make sure the environment is to his liking and that he's comfortable in with the setting.
If the problem persists, a visit to a sex therapist or a doctor is in order. You really don't know if there's a medical problem or not. With drugs such as Viagra, Cialis and others, this doesn't have to be an issue, so don't allow this to blow out of proportion.
But in any case, it's not you. If a guy gets excited enough to want to be with you, anything after that is not you. And blaming yourself, believe it or not, just adds to his stress, so don't do it.
How do you get an ex boyfriend back?
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Still heart broken, 23, from New York:
How do you get an ex boyfriend back if he broke up with you? And if he's seeing someone else? If you feel in your heart it's not over, how do you get them back? And, what do you do if you've already done the initial panic reaction to a rather far extent when they first broke up with you? Such as constant texting and promising to change, etc. Is there hope?
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no hope. He's gone for good. Forever!
But on the bright side, trust me: the worst is over. As time goes by, it gets easier day by day. It's not to say that you won't have bad days ahead, but the pain will lessen.
You can help yourself by 1) accepting that he's gone forever, and 2) by helping yourself get a new start. Buy new clothes, change your hairstyle, make new friends, go to new places, avoid the places that remind you of him, get rid of memorabilia associated with him, and lastly, give yourself some time and you'll see that things will get easier.
By Still heart broken, 23, from New York:
How do you get an ex boyfriend back if he broke up with you? And if he's seeing someone else? If you feel in your heart it's not over, how do you get them back? And, what do you do if you've already done the initial panic reaction to a rather far extent when they first broke up with you? Such as constant texting and promising to change, etc. Is there hope?
VictorM's advice:
No, there is no hope. He's gone for good. Forever!
But on the bright side, trust me: the worst is over. As time goes by, it gets easier day by day. It's not to say that you won't have bad days ahead, but the pain will lessen.
You can help yourself by 1) accepting that he's gone forever, and 2) by helping yourself get a new start. Buy new clothes, change your hairstyle, make new friends, go to new places, avoid the places that remind you of him, get rid of memorabilia associated with him, and lastly, give yourself some time and you'll see that things will get easier.
I ended up staying at his place
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Lis, 23, from UK:
I met a guy at university, we are both post graduates. After going out together a few times for drinks I ended up staying at his place, nothing happened and we spent a few nights together like this... then it went further and shortly after we went away together for a week...during which he decided to call it off as he didn't feel ready for a relationship. He explained his ex girlfriend was on his mind as he had had a very rough time with her (she was depressed and had quite a few mental health problems which he went through with her) this was 18 months previous to our getting together, he told me what he went through with his ex had affected him more than he knew and was going to make an appointment with his GP to talk it over. Since then he has been away on research trips almost constantly. We met for lunch last week but it was very rushed as he had to see his supervisor and had arrived late. Anyway, upon my dropping him off he said he would call me when he got back from his next research trip. He has sent me an sms since then in reply to mine but he is still away and that is the only contact I've had with him. What I want to know is whether I should just give him space and let him come to me or whether I should keep in touch but keep it friendly and light hearted - afterall we have the rest of our lives to work it out! Would appreciate any imput from a someone who understands guys... he's older than me by 6 years but not particularly mature...and the more I don't hear from him the more bitter I get and the less able to be nice to him I find it! I haven't shown this to him yet but I haven't been as friendly/flirty as it was at the start either! please help!
VictorM's advice:
In this respect, a guy likes two things: 1) for the girl to not come across as needy or overbearing; 2) to know that she's into him. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to walk the fine line between both. Is it worth it? Only you can say. But remember the old adage: out of sight, out of mind.
I met a guy at university, we are both post graduates. After going out together a few times for drinks I ended up staying at his place, nothing happened and we spent a few nights together like this... then it went further and shortly after we went away together for a week...during which he decided to call it off as he didn't feel ready for a relationship. He explained his ex girlfriend was on his mind as he had had a very rough time with her (she was depressed and had quite a few mental health problems which he went through with her) this was 18 months previous to our getting together, he told me what he went through with his ex had affected him more than he knew and was going to make an appointment with his GP to talk it over. Since then he has been away on research trips almost constantly. We met for lunch last week but it was very rushed as he had to see his supervisor and had arrived late. Anyway, upon my dropping him off he said he would call me when he got back from his next research trip. He has sent me an sms since then in reply to mine but he is still away and that is the only contact I've had with him. What I want to know is whether I should just give him space and let him come to me or whether I should keep in touch but keep it friendly and light hearted - afterall we have the rest of our lives to work it out! Would appreciate any imput from a someone who understands guys... he's older than me by 6 years but not particularly mature...and the more I don't hear from him the more bitter I get and the less able to be nice to him I find it! I haven't shown this to him yet but I haven't been as friendly/flirty as it was at the start either! please help!
VictorM's advice:
In this respect, a guy likes two things: 1) for the girl to not come across as needy or overbearing; 2) to know that she's into him. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to walk the fine line between both. Is it worth it? Only you can say. But remember the old adage: out of sight, out of mind.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I am 15 and I like someone who is 20
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By jessica, 15, from united states:
I am 15 and I like someone who is 20. We both have feelings for each other but because of the age difference we have to wait until I am 18. He said that when I am 18 if I still have feelings for him than we should make the relationship serious. But I'm worried that when the time comes he will have found someone new. Is it wrong for us to like each other? And should we wait? I mean age is just a number so cant we just try to make it work now?
VictorM's advice:
The age difference by itself isn't the issue -- 5 years is not much; it's your present ages that complicate things. He's about to turn 21 and be free drink, and to go to bars and clubs that you can't go. You'd either be slowing him down, or you'd be left alone. Chances are that you have curfews and he doesn't, neither do girls around his age. And you'd be hanging around with a different set of friends with different interests.
But I think the major reason, as far as he's concerned is this: his interest in you may be sexual, hence his preference to wait till you're 18. What I'm saying is that his interest in you may not be as noble as you think it is.
By jessica, 15, from united states:
I am 15 and I like someone who is 20. We both have feelings for each other but because of the age difference we have to wait until I am 18. He said that when I am 18 if I still have feelings for him than we should make the relationship serious. But I'm worried that when the time comes he will have found someone new. Is it wrong for us to like each other? And should we wait? I mean age is just a number so cant we just try to make it work now?
VictorM's advice:
The age difference by itself isn't the issue -- 5 years is not much; it's your present ages that complicate things. He's about to turn 21 and be free drink, and to go to bars and clubs that you can't go. You'd either be slowing him down, or you'd be left alone. Chances are that you have curfews and he doesn't, neither do girls around his age. And you'd be hanging around with a different set of friends with different interests.
But I think the major reason, as far as he's concerned is this: his interest in you may be sexual, hence his preference to wait till you're 18. What I'm saying is that his interest in you may not be as noble as you think it is.
Super blow job girl is back
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Greetings! It's me again. :) So, here's the situation so far with the guy I had mentioned earlier:
- I found out he's been recently divorced (Nov. was when he finalized the divorce). I don't know any details about the divorce. I would rather not ask at the moment and just let our dynamic unfold.
- We've been seeing each other at least once a week for about a month and a half. Each time has been him coming along with me and my friends. He tried getting me to hang with him and his friends once, but I had other plans.
- We chit-chat a lot via texts (remember, I don't like gabbing on the phone much). It's kind of a daily thing.
- Ever since our first date, there hasn't been any overtly sexual contact between us. We kiss and hug, but nothing TOO steamy.
- I've told him straight out that I just want to keep our relationship "chill;" told him he's the only guy I'm 'dating' at the moment but if someone else should come along, he should understand that I want to keep the lines open, since I know he's going through the emotional aspect of getting over the divorce.
- He's always the first to text me, ask what I'm doing, ask if I'm going out. But he has yet to ask me on another one-on-one date.
So, what do you think so far? Is there something I should or shouldn't be doing? I really want to take it slow with this guy, both physically and emotionally. I've never had to deal with a recently divorced guy, so any help would be appreciated. Thanks! :)
VictorM's advice:
Don't get me wrong, Griz, I like hearing from you, but why do you ask me anything when you are doing so well by yourself? I'm afraid to say anything and screw things. Just stay the course.
Greetings! It's me again. :) So, here's the situation so far with the guy I had mentioned earlier:
- I found out he's been recently divorced (Nov. was when he finalized the divorce). I don't know any details about the divorce. I would rather not ask at the moment and just let our dynamic unfold.
- We've been seeing each other at least once a week for about a month and a half. Each time has been him coming along with me and my friends. He tried getting me to hang with him and his friends once, but I had other plans.
- We chit-chat a lot via texts (remember, I don't like gabbing on the phone much). It's kind of a daily thing.
- Ever since our first date, there hasn't been any overtly sexual contact between us. We kiss and hug, but nothing TOO steamy.
- I've told him straight out that I just want to keep our relationship "chill;" told him he's the only guy I'm 'dating' at the moment but if someone else should come along, he should understand that I want to keep the lines open, since I know he's going through the emotional aspect of getting over the divorce.
- He's always the first to text me, ask what I'm doing, ask if I'm going out. But he has yet to ask me on another one-on-one date.
So, what do you think so far? Is there something I should or shouldn't be doing? I really want to take it slow with this guy, both physically and emotionally. I've never had to deal with a recently divorced guy, so any help would be appreciated. Thanks! :)
VictorM's advice:
Don't get me wrong, Griz, I like hearing from you, but why do you ask me anything when you are doing so well by yourself? I'm afraid to say anything and screw things. Just stay the course.
He has met another girl
Submitted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008
By Cordelia, 30, from Berlin:
I started seeing a guy who lives in another country. It's a long distance relationship. He comes to visit quite a lot for work purposes. A few weeks ago he said that he has met another girl. We met last week and picked up our relationship again for the few days he was here. However, he told me that he wants to pursue the thing with the other girl. The problem is that I already booked my flight to go and see him and I am quite heartbroken. I was supposed to stay with him for 9 days. Now I don't think I can stay with him. The flight was expensive as well. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, that sucks! Yeah, you can't stay with him.
If this is a place you've always wanted to see, go and stay at a hotel. Maybe a friend can come along to keep you company.
Is there a way you can get a refund? If not, is there a way you can transfer to visit another place?
By Cordelia, 30, from Berlin:
I started seeing a guy who lives in another country. It's a long distance relationship. He comes to visit quite a lot for work purposes. A few weeks ago he said that he has met another girl. We met last week and picked up our relationship again for the few days he was here. However, he told me that he wants to pursue the thing with the other girl. The problem is that I already booked my flight to go and see him and I am quite heartbroken. I was supposed to stay with him for 9 days. Now I don't think I can stay with him. The flight was expensive as well. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, that sucks! Yeah, you can't stay with him.
If this is a place you've always wanted to see, go and stay at a hotel. Maybe a friend can come along to keep you company.
Is there a way you can get a refund? If not, is there a way you can transfer to visit another place?
Confidential to K, part 2
Yeah, I think he should sit down with you and explain what's going on. His failure to do so is more attributable to immaturity than disrespect, I think. Either way, you have a legitimate beef with him, but as a good friend, you also have an obligation to be understanding and cut him a break. This is all new to him and he's just trying to be the best boyfriend he can be.
Don't believe him when he says she's not the reason. It's not that he means to lie to you; he just doesn't want her to come across as the "bad guy."
Don't believe him when he says she's not the reason. It's not that he means to lie to you; he just doesn't want her to come across as the "bad guy."
I'm obsessed and I hate that, part 2
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By Monica:
In response to I feel like "I'm obsessed and I hate that." It's me again....the next day (After the text i sent him) he ended up calling me and asking if I had Monday (today) off from work. I did and he asked me out. So we hung out today (about 5 hours together....) and it wound up being an AWESOME date. So....I'm going to try and control myself and see how things continue. I still noticed some of my paranoia...but tried to control it...Like he was teasing me and saying things about me to his friend that we ran into...So on IM with that friend later...I was like "I can never tell if he's joking when he says stuff like that (like that I'm annoying) or if he's just joking." His friend IM'd me back saying, "No, believe me...he's just playing around and trying to see if he can get a reaction from you. He doesn't mean anything by it, he thinks he's being funny...He doesn't realize that you take it seriously...he thinks you can tell its just in fun. Think about it...he wouldn't keep hanging out with you and asking you out if he really thought you were annoying, would he?" But if he likes me, why hasn't he taken our friendship to another level? He flirts and stuff....and does things like spank my butt if I pass him, but he doesn't make an official move...like go in for a kiss...At the end of each date, he walks me to the door, we talk about how much fun the date was....theres usually a brief awkward pause like we're unsure what to do, and then it ends with a hug, and an "We'll meet up again real soon, ok? I'll talk to you tomorrow." I would really like to be more than friends with him, but don't know how to initiate it or if he feels the same. He HAS mentioned that he thinks he would be better able to get into a relationship after he graduates in May. (not specifically with me, we were just talking about dating in general) What's your take?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys absolutely love this phase of courting a girl. Living in the "will she, won't she" doubt adds spark and fun to the seduction process. He doesn't ask you to the next level because this level is a lot of fun and more relaxing than being in a relationship.
This approach makes more sense to most guys. That is, the guy gets to know the girl without feeling tied down or committed. And if things stop being fun, it's much easier for the guy to extricate himself without all the drama of a break-up.
You might feel like he's not serious about you, but trust me, he's measuring you up just the same as if you were in a relationship, but this way it's less stressful.
And in your case, he has enough to worry about. You really need to find a way to relax.
By Monica:
In response to I feel like "I'm obsessed and I hate that." It's me again....the next day (After the text i sent him) he ended up calling me and asking if I had Monday (today) off from work. I did and he asked me out. So we hung out today (about 5 hours together....) and it wound up being an AWESOME date. So....I'm going to try and control myself and see how things continue. I still noticed some of my paranoia...but tried to control it...Like he was teasing me and saying things about me to his friend that we ran into...So on IM with that friend later...I was like "I can never tell if he's joking when he says stuff like that (like that I'm annoying) or if he's just joking." His friend IM'd me back saying, "No, believe me...he's just playing around and trying to see if he can get a reaction from you. He doesn't mean anything by it, he thinks he's being funny...He doesn't realize that you take it seriously...he thinks you can tell its just in fun. Think about it...he wouldn't keep hanging out with you and asking you out if he really thought you were annoying, would he?" But if he likes me, why hasn't he taken our friendship to another level? He flirts and stuff....and does things like spank my butt if I pass him, but he doesn't make an official move...like go in for a kiss...At the end of each date, he walks me to the door, we talk about how much fun the date was....theres usually a brief awkward pause like we're unsure what to do, and then it ends with a hug, and an "We'll meet up again real soon, ok? I'll talk to you tomorrow." I would really like to be more than friends with him, but don't know how to initiate it or if he feels the same. He HAS mentioned that he thinks he would be better able to get into a relationship after he graduates in May. (not specifically with me, we were just talking about dating in general) What's your take?
VictorM's advice:
Some guys absolutely love this phase of courting a girl. Living in the "will she, won't she" doubt adds spark and fun to the seduction process. He doesn't ask you to the next level because this level is a lot of fun and more relaxing than being in a relationship.
This approach makes more sense to most guys. That is, the guy gets to know the girl without feeling tied down or committed. And if things stop being fun, it's much easier for the guy to extricate himself without all the drama of a break-up.
You might feel like he's not serious about you, but trust me, he's measuring you up just the same as if you were in a relationship, but this way it's less stressful.
And in your case, he has enough to worry about. You really need to find a way to relax.
This guy simply won't talk to me
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By Rebecca, 31, from Missouri:
I have a guy that I've been interested in for sometime. He's going through a divorce and this guy simply won't talk to me. He talks to my friend all the time ABOUT me but wont' talk to me. What's up? I've read "He's just not that into you!" but nothing like this ever came up. It's been like forever and a day.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what's up but if he doesn't talk to you it's entirely possible he simply doesn't like you.
Shocking, I know!
By Rebecca, 31, from Missouri:
I have a guy that I've been interested in for sometime. He's going through a divorce and this guy simply won't talk to me. He talks to my friend all the time ABOUT me but wont' talk to me. What's up? I've read "He's just not that into you!" but nothing like this ever came up. It's been like forever and a day.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what's up but if he doesn't talk to you it's entirely possible he simply doesn't like you.
Shocking, I know!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
We kept talking and ended up having cyber sex
Submitted on Sunday, February 17, 2008
By danni, 19, from melbourne:
I have been flirting with this guy on msn for like 1 year and met him a couple of times but as friends. He's in another country but we kept talking and ended up having cyber sex and getting really close but it seems like he doesn't want to commit. He likes me but has major ex baggage so I finally told him I like him and he said: "I like you more than a friend less than a lover" and he still maintains his friendship with me and wants to meet up when we are in the same place but he has gotten distant. What did he mean by what he said, is he into me? I also said I'm gonna move away from this and he said not to, to wait and see where it leads.
VictorM's advice:
Come on, you only chat online and met a couple times. Why expect him to want to commit or declare that he's in love? His answers make sense. You're the one putting the cart ahead of the horse and trying to turn an online acquaintance into some sort of serious relationship.
If and when you ever wind up in the same place, then look into developing something more serious with him. For now, and since this guy is virtual, keep it a fun fantasy but don't let it stop you from meeting guys that you can touch, taste, and smell.
By danni, 19, from melbourne:
I have been flirting with this guy on msn for like 1 year and met him a couple of times but as friends. He's in another country but we kept talking and ended up having cyber sex and getting really close but it seems like he doesn't want to commit. He likes me but has major ex baggage so I finally told him I like him and he said: "I like you more than a friend less than a lover" and he still maintains his friendship with me and wants to meet up when we are in the same place but he has gotten distant. What did he mean by what he said, is he into me? I also said I'm gonna move away from this and he said not to, to wait and see where it leads.
VictorM's advice:
Come on, you only chat online and met a couple times. Why expect him to want to commit or declare that he's in love? His answers make sense. You're the one putting the cart ahead of the horse and trying to turn an online acquaintance into some sort of serious relationship.
If and when you ever wind up in the same place, then look into developing something more serious with him. For now, and since this guy is virtual, keep it a fun fantasy but don't let it stop you from meeting guys that you can touch, taste, and smell.
He doesn't care about me
Submitted on Monday, February 18, 2008
By Anon, 22, from South africa:
My boyfriend says he loves me but now he just doesn't show it. He doesn't care about me. I feel he is not into me. What can I do to improve our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Improving a relationship is something that both people need to work on together. You say he doesn't care about you and is not into you, but I have no idea what complaints he has about you. What I know is that there's no magic potion. If only one partner wants to address the problems but the other one doesn't, nothing gets fixed.
But if you're right and he lost interest, you're better off letting him go. Why try to hold on to a guy who's not into you and doesn't care about y
By Anon, 22, from South africa:
My boyfriend says he loves me but now he just doesn't show it. He doesn't care about me. I feel he is not into me. What can I do to improve our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Improving a relationship is something that both people need to work on together. You say he doesn't care about you and is not into you, but I have no idea what complaints he has about you. What I know is that there's no magic potion. If only one partner wants to address the problems but the other one doesn't, nothing gets fixed.
But if you're right and he lost interest, you're better off letting him go. Why try to hold on to a guy who's not into you and doesn't care about y