Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The most unreliable person I have ever met
Submitted on Sunday, January 27, 2008
By Carla, 19, from Florida:
Okay, so my boyfriend and I have a great relationship . We have great chemistry when around each other, and when we argue we usually end it right then and there and let it die. However , my boyfirend is perhaps the most unreliable person I have ever met. He says he will call me and never does, or he says he is going to do something and never does. All I ask of him is to call me and let me know what's going on. Is that so hard? Why do guys have such a hard time with this?
Desperate.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it is hard to change.
That type of behavior is as difficult to change as it is to change temper, sense of humor, mood swings, confidence, self-esteem, shyness, procrastination, etc. Don't make light of how difficult these changes are, and you can't expect people to change just because something seems so easy to you.
Start by accepting that his "unreliability" is a product of his upbringing and personal experiences, not a reflection of his feelings or respect for you. In essence, he was this way before you came along, and he'll be this way if you leave, unless he seeks professional help to get to the bottom of why he is this way and what he needs to do to change.
Meanwhile, how can you deal with it, if you so choose?
Cut down or loosen up his obligations and reward him for good behavior. For example, if he was suppose to call you by 2 o'clock and at 3 o'clock he remembers, he's likely not to call at all because he knows he's already in the doghouse. He'll postpone being yelled at as much as he can instead of calling as soon as when he realizes it.
If calling you by a certain time is not important, don't give him a time frame. If you give him fewer opportunities to screw up, he'll screw up less.
And next time he calls you late, instead of telling him off, just say you're happy he called and act nicely. This behavior from you is more likely to get him to start calling you closer to the expected time than if you yell at him.
On the other hand, there are times you don't want to enable his behavior. For example, if he's suppose to meet you at 1 o'clock to go to the beach and he doesn't show up on time, take off after waiting a few minutes and go alone or call a friend. Don't stay there waiting for him. When you see him again, don't yell. Just say you figured he got tied up and you decided not to waste the afternoon.
By Carla, 19, from Florida:
Okay, so my boyfriend and I have a great relationship . We have great chemistry when around each other, and when we argue we usually end it right then and there and let it die. However , my boyfirend is perhaps the most unreliable person I have ever met. He says he will call me and never does, or he says he is going to do something and never does. All I ask of him is to call me and let me know what's going on. Is that so hard? Why do guys have such a hard time with this?
Desperate.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it is hard to change.
That type of behavior is as difficult to change as it is to change temper, sense of humor, mood swings, confidence, self-esteem, shyness, procrastination, etc. Don't make light of how difficult these changes are, and you can't expect people to change just because something seems so easy to you.
Start by accepting that his "unreliability" is a product of his upbringing and personal experiences, not a reflection of his feelings or respect for you. In essence, he was this way before you came along, and he'll be this way if you leave, unless he seeks professional help to get to the bottom of why he is this way and what he needs to do to change.
Meanwhile, how can you deal with it, if you so choose?
Cut down or loosen up his obligations and reward him for good behavior. For example, if he was suppose to call you by 2 o'clock and at 3 o'clock he remembers, he's likely not to call at all because he knows he's already in the doghouse. He'll postpone being yelled at as much as he can instead of calling as soon as when he realizes it.
If calling you by a certain time is not important, don't give him a time frame. If you give him fewer opportunities to screw up, he'll screw up less.
And next time he calls you late, instead of telling him off, just say you're happy he called and act nicely. This behavior from you is more likely to get him to start calling you closer to the expected time than if you yell at him.
On the other hand, there are times you don't want to enable his behavior. For example, if he's suppose to meet you at 1 o'clock to go to the beach and he doesn't show up on time, take off after waiting a few minutes and go alone or call a friend. Don't stay there waiting for him. When you see him again, don't yell. Just say you figured he got tied up and you decided not to waste the afternoon.
We broke up right before school started
Submitted on Sunday, January 27, 2008
By Becca, 16, from Massachusetts:
My ex boyfriend Mike and I went out for about two months over the summer. We broke up right before school started because he lives in another town and we didn't think we'd see each other because he ALWAYS has soccer (he's playing in college). About 3 months after we broke up he got together with another girl. I was really hurt because I didn't understand why he all of a sudden had time for a girlfriend. I saw him about a month ago and he told me him and his girlfriend had broken up the night before because he didn't want a girlfriend in college so she just wanted to end it. Since then he ims me or calls ever couple days and we'll talk for hours. He's a truly nice guy and I don't think (or want to believe) he has bad intentions. Does he want me back or is he just playing with me?
VictorM's answer:
I'd say the answer is neither.
You two broke up once before, and he's made it clear he doesn't want a girlfriend. I'd assume he just wants friendship for now.
By Becca, 16, from Massachusetts:
My ex boyfriend Mike and I went out for about two months over the summer. We broke up right before school started because he lives in another town and we didn't think we'd see each other because he ALWAYS has soccer (he's playing in college). About 3 months after we broke up he got together with another girl. I was really hurt because I didn't understand why he all of a sudden had time for a girlfriend. I saw him about a month ago and he told me him and his girlfriend had broken up the night before because he didn't want a girlfriend in college so she just wanted to end it. Since then he ims me or calls ever couple days and we'll talk for hours. He's a truly nice guy and I don't think (or want to believe) he has bad intentions. Does he want me back or is he just playing with me?
VictorM's answer:
I'd say the answer is neither.
You two broke up once before, and he's made it clear he doesn't want a girlfriend. I'd assume he just wants friendship for now.
At least a week between each date
Submitted on Sunday, January 27, 2008
By Diane, 35, from Victoria:
I have recently started dating a guy that I have been friends with for the past two years. We have been out a few times for dinner or coffee dates but there is alway at least a week between each date. Is it because he is just not that interested in taking it any further or is it that he is just as nervous as I am?
PS About 6 months ago he ended a really bad 10 year on and off again relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he has some interest in you but it sounds like he's in no rush. Can't say that I blame him.
And there's nothing that says you're the only girl he's seeing at this time.
By Diane, 35, from Victoria:
I have recently started dating a guy that I have been friends with for the past two years. We have been out a few times for dinner or coffee dates but there is alway at least a week between each date. Is it because he is just not that interested in taking it any further or is it that he is just as nervous as I am?
PS About 6 months ago he ended a really bad 10 year on and off again relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he has some interest in you but it sounds like he's in no rush. Can't say that I blame him.
And there's nothing that says you're the only girl he's seeing at this time.
Everything was perfect
Submitted on Saturday, January 26, 2008
By Anonymous, 19, from missouri:
Does he want me back?
I was with this guy for about 2 years. Everything was perfect and we were even talking about marriage. About a year and a half into our relationship an old friend from high school started calling me. I had a lot of fun talking to him and decided to break up with my boyfriend for him. When we we were together all I could think of was my ex. I recently broke things off with him and I'm trying to get a second chance with my ex. The problem is I don't know if he wants to give me a second chance. He says he thinks we were meant to be together but also says it would be better if we were just friends from now on. We've been on one date since then that I thought went really well but it's been about 3 days since and he hasn't called me. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want you back. That's not to say he won't take you back, but if he does, it'll be a sign of weakness.
You left him even when according to you, things were perfect. I'm sure he's wondering what will happen when things aren't so good, as from time to time, it's likely to happen?
To your credit, at least you didn't cheat. But dropping a serious boyfriend when things were perfect for some guy that you had fun with? Doesn't inspire trust or staying power, does it?
By Anonymous, 19, from missouri:
Does he want me back?
I was with this guy for about 2 years. Everything was perfect and we were even talking about marriage. About a year and a half into our relationship an old friend from high school started calling me. I had a lot of fun talking to him and decided to break up with my boyfriend for him. When we we were together all I could think of was my ex. I recently broke things off with him and I'm trying to get a second chance with my ex. The problem is I don't know if he wants to give me a second chance. He says he thinks we were meant to be together but also says it would be better if we were just friends from now on. We've been on one date since then that I thought went really well but it's been about 3 days since and he hasn't called me. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want you back. That's not to say he won't take you back, but if he does, it'll be a sign of weakness.
You left him even when according to you, things were perfect. I'm sure he's wondering what will happen when things aren't so good, as from time to time, it's likely to happen?
To your credit, at least you didn't cheat. But dropping a serious boyfriend when things were perfect for some guy that you had fun with? Doesn't inspire trust or staying power, does it?
We ended up kissing and later having sex
Submitted on Saturday, January 26, 2008
By christy, 28, from Greece:
He is my partners son his name is Alex he came to Cyprus few months ago we became friends I had feelings for him but tried not to thing about it because I love my work and my partner very much and didn’t want to ruin anything.
One night we all went to a club I got a bit drunk and we ended up kissing and later having sex with Alex. After we finished we started talking, he told me he is going through a lot his ex is pregnant with his child and he had no idea what to do and didn’t even know if she was telling the truth because he said she lies a lot and she has lots of problems. After that night we did go out again and we decided we will be just friends because it’s all very complicated. We did end up kissing the same night and the next night we decided to go out.
After that he went back to his country to visit the ex he came back changed he never calls or going anywhere. I do see him often because of my work he is always very polite etc. I saw him at my work last week I figured he wasn’t well!! I went home and couldn’t get him out of my head I messaged him if one of this day we could go for a drink. He answered: that would be really nice and he called me few hours later and arranged when. We did go for drinks last night ...didn’t have much to say, he was all smiling and talking and trying to be funny we didn’t talk about as at all I didn’t really want to. ...the only think I said it's that I was angry with him that’s why I asked him to go for a drink because I can't be angry with him anymore. He said he knew it but he didn’t want to try to fix every time he tries to fix something he makes it worst....don’t know what to do with him ...actually I do ...it's leave him alone he has enough in his head to also have me...but it's difficult!
VictorM's advice:
It's difficult but it is the wisest course of action. You have no other choice.
All signs point to him not being into you, he just wants things to be civil and nice between you two. And hey, if after a few drinks he gets some sex, that's icing on the cake.
By christy, 28, from Greece:
He is my partners son his name is Alex he came to Cyprus few months ago we became friends I had feelings for him but tried not to thing about it because I love my work and my partner very much and didn’t want to ruin anything.
One night we all went to a club I got a bit drunk and we ended up kissing and later having sex with Alex. After we finished we started talking, he told me he is going through a lot his ex is pregnant with his child and he had no idea what to do and didn’t even know if she was telling the truth because he said she lies a lot and she has lots of problems. After that night we did go out again and we decided we will be just friends because it’s all very complicated. We did end up kissing the same night and the next night we decided to go out.
After that he went back to his country to visit the ex he came back changed he never calls or going anywhere. I do see him often because of my work he is always very polite etc. I saw him at my work last week I figured he wasn’t well!! I went home and couldn’t get him out of my head I messaged him if one of this day we could go for a drink. He answered: that would be really nice and he called me few hours later and arranged when. We did go for drinks last night ...didn’t have much to say, he was all smiling and talking and trying to be funny we didn’t talk about as at all I didn’t really want to. ...the only think I said it's that I was angry with him that’s why I asked him to go for a drink because I can't be angry with him anymore. He said he knew it but he didn’t want to try to fix every time he tries to fix something he makes it worst....don’t know what to do with him ...actually I do ...it's leave him alone he has enough in his head to also have me...but it's difficult!
VictorM's advice:
It's difficult but it is the wisest course of action. You have no other choice.
All signs point to him not being into you, he just wants things to be civil and nice between you two. And hey, if after a few drinks he gets some sex, that's icing on the cake.
Monday, January 28, 2008
I am extroverted and wild sexually
Submitted on Friday, January 25, 2008
By V.ANN, 32, from IL:
I am extroverted and wild sexually but my guy is reserved. I try to make him feel more comfortable sexually but i think he is jealous or feels inferior to the men in my past. I believe he has resorted to online porn and maybe even cybersex to release his inhibitions. What do i do? Should I be worried??? Help
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if his attraction to porn is a reflection of him felling inferior about your past sex life. But maybe you're more interested in being wild than being a good sex partner. The two are not the same. A good sex partner pays attention to and caters to the desires and feelings of the other person.
Let me make it clear that I'm not doubting you being wild sexually; I'm just questioning if you're a good sex partner for him.
In any case, when porn is something that one of the partners isn't happy about, you have a problem.
By V.ANN, 32, from IL:
I am extroverted and wild sexually but my guy is reserved. I try to make him feel more comfortable sexually but i think he is jealous or feels inferior to the men in my past. I believe he has resorted to online porn and maybe even cybersex to release his inhibitions. What do i do? Should I be worried??? Help
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if his attraction to porn is a reflection of him felling inferior about your past sex life. But maybe you're more interested in being wild than being a good sex partner. The two are not the same. A good sex partner pays attention to and caters to the desires and feelings of the other person.
Let me make it clear that I'm not doubting you being wild sexually; I'm just questioning if you're a good sex partner for him.
In any case, when porn is something that one of the partners isn't happy about, you have a problem.
We just looked at each other not even a smile
Submitted on Friday, January 25, 2008
By Sam, 20, from NY:
So I go to NYU and there is this guy I see him in passing, the first time I saw him I was attracted. And well the first time he saw me we just looked at each other not even a smile…his eyes were kinda big not scared but more like “what do I do?” (I guess) and I got too scared to smile also so he just walked past me and said nothing…
[honestly though it is not just him who looks at me like this I've noticed other guys also…they just get this wide eyed stare at me…I don’t know what to think of it… I am not thin but not obese I don’t dress like a slut, usually classy cute]
the next time I saw him he still had that look but not as bad…a little more calm but still when he got to passing me he put his head down and kept walking…it made me feel so ugly I mean I didn’t smile but neither did he…I want to smile but I just don’t know how to read him. What should I do? I am shy and never been asked out so I don’t know how to flirt…Help!
VictorM's advice:
You felt ugly because he looked down? How do you think he feels when you don't smile?
Look, shy guys are notorious for avoiding the girls they like. Him looking down was a sign that he likes you.
I understand all about being shy, but you have to take one small step, as hard as it may be. You can't expect him to do all the lifting. So, smile at the guy! You can do it. Go ahead. Next time you see him, smile! That's all you have to do. That's your assignment.
Come back and tell us about it when it happens.
By Sam, 20, from NY:
So I go to NYU and there is this guy I see him in passing, the first time I saw him I was attracted. And well the first time he saw me we just looked at each other not even a smile…his eyes were kinda big not scared but more like “what do I do?” (I guess) and I got too scared to smile also so he just walked past me and said nothing…
[honestly though it is not just him who looks at me like this I've noticed other guys also…they just get this wide eyed stare at me…I don’t know what to think of it… I am not thin but not obese I don’t dress like a slut, usually classy cute]
the next time I saw him he still had that look but not as bad…a little more calm but still when he got to passing me he put his head down and kept walking…it made me feel so ugly I mean I didn’t smile but neither did he…I want to smile but I just don’t know how to read him. What should I do? I am shy and never been asked out so I don’t know how to flirt…Help!
VictorM's advice:
You felt ugly because he looked down? How do you think he feels when you don't smile?
Look, shy guys are notorious for avoiding the girls they like. Him looking down was a sign that he likes you.
I understand all about being shy, but you have to take one small step, as hard as it may be. You can't expect him to do all the lifting. So, smile at the guy! You can do it. Go ahead. Next time you see him, smile! That's all you have to do. That's your assignment.
Come back and tell us about it when it happens.
At the beginning, I thought he was The One
Submitted on Thursday, January 24, 2008
By christy, 23, from MN:
I dated a good friend for almost 2 years. At the beginning, I thought he was The One. After about a year, everything he did began to irritate me, and he was no longer the same person I fell in love with. I stuck it out for a while, but eventually had to leave him. I pretty much decided on my own that I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted to be single. From his point of view, it probably seems like I just dumped him without warning, and without explanation.
It's now been almot 2 years since we ended our relationship.
1. I know he still has feelings for me so I tried to distance myself
2. He said a lot of nasty things to me, and I sort of wrote him off.
3. He keeps apologizing, saying he no longer has feelings, and wants to be friends... but he always messes it up... I.e: Getting jealous of my/our mutual guy friends whom I've known since before him... accusing his own friends of sleeping with me... sleeping with an 'archenemy' of mine... drinking himself into oblivion and saying rude, nasty, horribly mean things to me... spreading rumors about my personal life to our mutual friends...
4. Why does he do and say these stupid, immature things? Even all our friends (and his!) remark that he is out of line.
5. Everytime he does something like that, he apologizes and say he's over his feelings and wants to be friends.
6. Each time I get over it. I just chalk it up to his immaturity, drinking, and I guess the 'trauma' of me leaving him. I forgive his rudeness and try to act civilized around him. Then he does it again.
We've tried to remain friends, but why is it so hard?! He is moody, vulnerable, and immature. There is no way I would get back together with him and he knows this. Why is he lashing out in such ways? Is there anything I can do to reassure him that I care about him as a person, as a friend? Should I forget about it and say screw him? I want to help him 'get over me' but I'm probably not the right person for the job- huh?
VictorM's advice:
As for his nasty words to you, I covered this is a recent question and answer:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
If you keep forgiving him and accepting him for all the nasty things he does, why should he stop? You're enabling his rotten behavior. Stop being his friend! Friends don't treat friends like he treats you. Learn to recognize when someone is too toxic and doesn't belong in your inner circle of friends.
By the way, he didn't change from when you first met him; you just didn't see his true self for a while.
By christy, 23, from MN:
I dated a good friend for almost 2 years. At the beginning, I thought he was The One. After about a year, everything he did began to irritate me, and he was no longer the same person I fell in love with. I stuck it out for a while, but eventually had to leave him. I pretty much decided on my own that I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted to be single. From his point of view, it probably seems like I just dumped him without warning, and without explanation.
It's now been almot 2 years since we ended our relationship.
1. I know he still has feelings for me so I tried to distance myself
2. He said a lot of nasty things to me, and I sort of wrote him off.
3. He keeps apologizing, saying he no longer has feelings, and wants to be friends... but he always messes it up... I.e: Getting jealous of my/our mutual guy friends whom I've known since before him... accusing his own friends of sleeping with me... sleeping with an 'archenemy' of mine... drinking himself into oblivion and saying rude, nasty, horribly mean things to me... spreading rumors about my personal life to our mutual friends...
4. Why does he do and say these stupid, immature things? Even all our friends (and his!) remark that he is out of line.
5. Everytime he does something like that, he apologizes and say he's over his feelings and wants to be friends.
6. Each time I get over it. I just chalk it up to his immaturity, drinking, and I guess the 'trauma' of me leaving him. I forgive his rudeness and try to act civilized around him. Then he does it again.
We've tried to remain friends, but why is it so hard?! He is moody, vulnerable, and immature. There is no way I would get back together with him and he knows this. Why is he lashing out in such ways? Is there anything I can do to reassure him that I care about him as a person, as a friend? Should I forget about it and say screw him? I want to help him 'get over me' but I'm probably not the right person for the job- huh?
VictorM's advice:
As for his nasty words to you, I covered this is a recent question and answer:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
If you keep forgiving him and accepting him for all the nasty things he does, why should he stop? You're enabling his rotten behavior. Stop being his friend! Friends don't treat friends like he treats you. Learn to recognize when someone is too toxic and doesn't belong in your inner circle of friends.
By the way, he didn't change from when you first met him; you just didn't see his true self for a while.
We don't have any problems except for his ex, part 4
Submitted on Thursday, January 24, 2008
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
This is "we dont have any problems except for his ex" girl.. part 4.
My boyfriend (well ex now) has been talking to me gradually lately. He still meets me at my locker the way he used to, still texts me and talks to me for comfort. I have been trying to meet other guys, but I still have feelings for him. He wants to be friends with benefits..and I don't know if I should. I DON'T want him getting laid by his ex as a last resort, but I'd just feel so used.. I'm a really sensitive girl and while I do enjoy his presense more than anyone else's.. I think it will be heartbreak all over again. But maybe not? Who knows.. it's just sex right?
VictorM's advice:
To him it is just sex, to you, no. After all, you don't want him getting laid by his ex. Why not, if it's just sex? That's because you don't think that sex can be just sex.
You're making a big mistake if you have sex with this guy because if you do he'll never think of you as anyone worth anything more than sex. In essence, you'd be screwing up any chance of getting back together with him.
If he asks for friends with benefits again, tell him to go fuck himself.
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
This is "we dont have any problems except for his ex" girl.. part 4.
My boyfriend (well ex now) has been talking to me gradually lately. He still meets me at my locker the way he used to, still texts me and talks to me for comfort. I have been trying to meet other guys, but I still have feelings for him. He wants to be friends with benefits..and I don't know if I should. I DON'T want him getting laid by his ex as a last resort, but I'd just feel so used.. I'm a really sensitive girl and while I do enjoy his presense more than anyone else's.. I think it will be heartbreak all over again. But maybe not? Who knows.. it's just sex right?
VictorM's advice:
To him it is just sex, to you, no. After all, you don't want him getting laid by his ex. Why not, if it's just sex? That's because you don't think that sex can be just sex.
You're making a big mistake if you have sex with this guy because if you do he'll never think of you as anyone worth anything more than sex. In essence, you'd be screwing up any chance of getting back together with him.
If he asks for friends with benefits again, tell him to go fuck himself.
Not the marrying type
Submitted on Thursday, January 24, 2008
By Melissa, 24:
I've been seeing a guy 15 years my senior for 5 months. Background:
By Melissa, 24:
I've been seeing a guy 15 years my senior for 5 months. Background:
* he's a free spirit, very adventurous, can be stereotyped as "not the marrying type"
* he's into younger girls (1st girlfriend: 5 years age gap, 2nd:9 years, 3rd: 10)
* he's only had 3 serious relationships
* his last relationship with fiance ended 3 years ago. His life was a wreck since then (he cut his long hair, he's been drinking every night, etc.)
A month ago he told his friends that this year he's gonna be with someone (me)and that we're gonna be together for a long time but we don't call each other boyfriend-girlfriend because we don't like labels (but he didnt even ask me about it!).
We act like we're in a relationship (I can demand for things, we see each other often, etc.) Also, we call each other honey (that's his endearment for his ex too when they were together..now, if he's calling me HONEY, does that mean a.) he's still not over her b.) he considers having a serious relationship with me (or are we having one already?) c.) it's just his favorite..insights please:).
I want things to be spontaneous and I don't like having THE talk because I'm afraid it would ruin the whole thing or it would scare him away. Is there a way to get my answer without having the serious talk?
VictorM's advice:
The "honey" term of endearment is answer C. The usage of that word probably has more to do with his personality than it does with the feelings for any one girl. I really don't think it has nothing to do whether he's over his ex, even if I don't believe he is. After all, his life wouldn't be a wreck if that break-up wasn't traumatic. He's not ready for another committed relationship, hence his answer to his friends.
Based on his own experiences, even being engaged still was no assurance that he would "live happily ever after." So having "the talk" really means nothing to him. By contrast, five months is nothing, so don't expect a major declaration of love from him about where things might be.
Are you girlfriend material for this guy? Who knows. You could be. But you're not yet. That much is clear.
* he's into younger girls (1st girlfriend: 5 years age gap, 2nd:9 years, 3rd: 10)
* he's only had 3 serious relationships
* his last relationship with fiance ended 3 years ago. His life was a wreck since then (he cut his long hair, he's been drinking every night, etc.)
A month ago he told his friends that this year he's gonna be with someone (me)and that we're gonna be together for a long time but we don't call each other boyfriend-girlfriend because we don't like labels (but he didnt even ask me about it!).
We act like we're in a relationship (I can demand for things, we see each other often, etc.) Also, we call each other honey (that's his endearment for his ex too when they were together..now, if he's calling me HONEY, does that mean a.) he's still not over her b.) he considers having a serious relationship with me (or are we having one already?) c.) it's just his favorite..insights please:).
I want things to be spontaneous and I don't like having THE talk because I'm afraid it would ruin the whole thing or it would scare him away. Is there a way to get my answer without having the serious talk?
VictorM's advice:
The "honey" term of endearment is answer C. The usage of that word probably has more to do with his personality than it does with the feelings for any one girl. I really don't think it has nothing to do whether he's over his ex, even if I don't believe he is. After all, his life wouldn't be a wreck if that break-up wasn't traumatic. He's not ready for another committed relationship, hence his answer to his friends.
Based on his own experiences, even being engaged still was no assurance that he would "live happily ever after." So having "the talk" really means nothing to him. By contrast, five months is nothing, so don't expect a major declaration of love from him about where things might be.
Are you girlfriend material for this guy? Who knows. You could be. But you're not yet. That much is clear.
I asked him if he wanted to have some dinner
Submitted on Wednesday, January 23, 2008
By Name confusion is still Confused, 25, from Northern IN:
Alright Victor, I took your advice. I picked a night that I was going to be in his town for work (we live about 45 minutes apart) and I asked him if he wanted to have some dinner. He had plans the first night, but was free the second night. So the second day, towards the end of the day he called me at the office I was working at, at first it was just about work but then we started talking about our weekends and then he asked if I was still free for that night - which of course I was. He told me he didn't think he was going to have to work late and that he should be home around 6:30. I gave him my cell number and we ended the call. Well I didn't hear from him until almost 8 because he did end up having to stay late - remember he is a very busy guy, in charge of two divisions - but he called and was very sorry and asked if I just wanted to go grab a bite to eat at a fast food place. We met and I went ahead and ordered and paid for my food because I felt weird and didn't want to look like I expected him to pay for mine since I really didn't know if it was a date. So while I got my drink and stuff he picked out a table. I went to sit and instead of sitting directly across from him I sat caddy-corner from him at the table, why? I don't know!! Anyways, we sat and talked for two hours. We talked about his son and my son and his marriage that ended about a year ago and my relationship that ended around the same time. It was kind of strange because there were times that it really felt like a date and then he would kind of pull away and it wouldn't feel like one. He told me that he is really enjoying his freedom but he doesn't want to be alone - he actually used the term "I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too". I really had a good time and I like him even more now - but I am still not sure if he likes me. When we parted at the restaurant there was no kiss/hug/handshake/lingering look...nadda. We just said goodnight and he got in his car, I got in mine and we drove away. So what is going on?? I am confused - but I am not very good at this whole dating thing, am I giving the wrong signals? I am totally okay to just hanging out, seeing each other and nothing serious right now. But how do I know if he likes me? I really don't want to be the silly little girl who doesn't take the hint, ya know?
VictorM's advice:
Everything you described sounds totally normal to me. I would not expect a kiss at the end of the night because this was a not a date, this was just two coworkers getting away from work and getting a bit personal. Where it will lead? I have no idea, but he met with you, he discussed personal stuff, and he spent two hours with you. For now, that's a step in the right direction but I wouldn't expect much more at this time.
I don't think taking hints has anything to do with it. Guys in general, and this one in particular, is in no rush to get into a relationship. Why? Because guys often feel trapped unless they have fallen in love with the girl. And for most guys, falling in love is a much slower process than girls.
By Name confusion is still Confused, 25, from Northern IN:
Alright Victor, I took your advice. I picked a night that I was going to be in his town for work (we live about 45 minutes apart) and I asked him if he wanted to have some dinner. He had plans the first night, but was free the second night. So the second day, towards the end of the day he called me at the office I was working at, at first it was just about work but then we started talking about our weekends and then he asked if I was still free for that night - which of course I was. He told me he didn't think he was going to have to work late and that he should be home around 6:30. I gave him my cell number and we ended the call. Well I didn't hear from him until almost 8 because he did end up having to stay late - remember he is a very busy guy, in charge of two divisions - but he called and was very sorry and asked if I just wanted to go grab a bite to eat at a fast food place. We met and I went ahead and ordered and paid for my food because I felt weird and didn't want to look like I expected him to pay for mine since I really didn't know if it was a date. So while I got my drink and stuff he picked out a table. I went to sit and instead of sitting directly across from him I sat caddy-corner from him at the table, why? I don't know!! Anyways, we sat and talked for two hours. We talked about his son and my son and his marriage that ended about a year ago and my relationship that ended around the same time. It was kind of strange because there were times that it really felt like a date and then he would kind of pull away and it wouldn't feel like one. He told me that he is really enjoying his freedom but he doesn't want to be alone - he actually used the term "I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too". I really had a good time and I like him even more now - but I am still not sure if he likes me. When we parted at the restaurant there was no kiss/hug/handshake/lingering look...nadda. We just said goodnight and he got in his car, I got in mine and we drove away. So what is going on?? I am confused - but I am not very good at this whole dating thing, am I giving the wrong signals? I am totally okay to just hanging out, seeing each other and nothing serious right now. But how do I know if he likes me? I really don't want to be the silly little girl who doesn't take the hint, ya know?
VictorM's advice:
Everything you described sounds totally normal to me. I would not expect a kiss at the end of the night because this was a not a date, this was just two coworkers getting away from work and getting a bit personal. Where it will lead? I have no idea, but he met with you, he discussed personal stuff, and he spent two hours with you. For now, that's a step in the right direction but I wouldn't expect much more at this time.
I don't think taking hints has anything to do with it. Guys in general, and this one in particular, is in no rush to get into a relationship. Why? Because guys often feel trapped unless they have fallen in love with the girl. And for most guys, falling in love is a much slower process than girls.
Friday, January 25, 2008
He's cute, smart, funny and we clicked right away
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
I found a new guy in a new prep class I'm taking. He's cute, smart, funny and we clicked right away. He found me on facebook, and told me he wants to hang out next saturday..(which is this saturday) I see him on sundays for the class, and we flirt and joke around a lot. He told me to make plans for saturday, and I said I am indecisive and told him to contact me over the week. I ended up texting him today (I last saw him sunday) because I was in the room when he texted a mutual friend, and I texted him asking what the friend said. (he made a joke). He responded saying "haha nothing." and that was it. I just got out of a relationship and just want to have fun.. but I don't know if I should persue him, or wait till he persue's me.. should I stop texting him until saturday and see if he contacts me?
VictorM's advice:
If you just want to have fun, just have fun. If texting him is part of it, text him.
Guys are much less likely to hit you over the head with crap like "you sent me the wrong signals" than you might think.
Text him. Just keep it fun.
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
I found a new guy in a new prep class I'm taking. He's cute, smart, funny and we clicked right away. He found me on facebook, and told me he wants to hang out next saturday..(which is this saturday) I see him on sundays for the class, and we flirt and joke around a lot. He told me to make plans for saturday, and I said I am indecisive and told him to contact me over the week. I ended up texting him today (I last saw him sunday) because I was in the room when he texted a mutual friend, and I texted him asking what the friend said. (he made a joke). He responded saying "haha nothing." and that was it. I just got out of a relationship and just want to have fun.. but I don't know if I should persue him, or wait till he persue's me.. should I stop texting him until saturday and see if he contacts me?
VictorM's advice:
If you just want to have fun, just have fun. If texting him is part of it, text him.
Guys are much less likely to hit you over the head with crap like "you sent me the wrong signals" than you might think.
Text him. Just keep it fun.
There is a guy I work with that I think likes me
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By jessica, 24, from tennessee:
There is a guy I work with that I think likes me, but I'm not sure. He's admitted to me that he's been wondering about me ever since he first saw me and even asked me for my email address and we talk at work and after work. It's really funny, because it's like he says enough to keep my interest, which I feel like he's flirting with me, but not sure.
Then the other day, he tells me he has a girlfriend and they live together, but he'll spend hours late at night emailing me and asking what I'm doing. He'll ask me questions he already knows the answer to or will find any excuse to talk to me.
He notices I wear a ring on my ring finger and always asks about my situation. I'm really puzzeled because I can't tell if this guy likes me or what?...He's always looking at me and coming up with crazy nicknames for me, but what I don't understand is why he won't just express his interest and why he's acting this way...any suggestions???
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have an interest in you, but since he has never expressed and he has a girlfriend it's safest to assume is interest in you is limited to a passing the time kinda thing. I mean, he can find you funny, cute, interesting, nice to talk to, etc. without wanting to be with you romantically.
I don't know if that's the case here but it's not at all uncommon for guys to ask questions, tease, flirt, etc just because it helps them pass the time at work, and what better to do it than with an attractive girl? And if you give him equal attention, it's a nice ego boost for him, so he seeks that attention whenever possible.
By jessica, 24, from tennessee:
There is a guy I work with that I think likes me, but I'm not sure. He's admitted to me that he's been wondering about me ever since he first saw me and even asked me for my email address and we talk at work and after work. It's really funny, because it's like he says enough to keep my interest, which I feel like he's flirting with me, but not sure.
Then the other day, he tells me he has a girlfriend and they live together, but he'll spend hours late at night emailing me and asking what I'm doing. He'll ask me questions he already knows the answer to or will find any excuse to talk to me.
He notices I wear a ring on my ring finger and always asks about my situation. I'm really puzzeled because I can't tell if this guy likes me or what?...He's always looking at me and coming up with crazy nicknames for me, but what I don't understand is why he won't just express his interest and why he's acting this way...any suggestions???
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have an interest in you, but since he has never expressed and he has a girlfriend it's safest to assume is interest in you is limited to a passing the time kinda thing. I mean, he can find you funny, cute, interesting, nice to talk to, etc. without wanting to be with you romantically.
I don't know if that's the case here but it's not at all uncommon for guys to ask questions, tease, flirt, etc just because it helps them pass the time at work, and what better to do it than with an attractive girl? And if you give him equal attention, it's a nice ego boost for him, so he seeks that attention whenever possible.
He has a very introverted personality
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By dunit, 24, from Canada:
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we've been living together for most of that time. He has a very introverted personality and rarely expresses his feelings/emotions (what guy does?? lol).
We both enjoy porn from time to time and aren't ashamed to admit it. The problem is that we never enjoy it together. He has become very withdrawn over the past year and a half or so, but I guess he's always been that way somewhat. It's a long story but something possessed me to put an internet monitoring program on our computer to see what he's up to when I'm not home. It was worse than I thought. He's on porn sites everyday for an hour +. He's on a sexual dating/friend site for the sole purpose of exchanging sexual fantasies etc. And yet, we only have sex maybe 1-2 times a month, and a lot of time I'll try to initiate it and he pushes me away claiming that I have "bad timing" and that he's tired. When I saw all of his internet activites I thought maybe it was me not making enough of an effort. So I sent him a racy email detailing some of my sexual fantasies and asking him to reply with some of his (to try and inject some life into our relationship) and he never even acknowleged it. He's always said that he has a hard time putting sex and relationships on the same level. Almost like he thinks they're 2 separate things. I'm really worried that he's totally lost interest even though he says it has nothing to do with me.
Some contributing factors to this mess could be:
-He's gained a bit of weight since we've been together and I know he's not happy with himself naked.
-We've had a few long conversations and he's expressed more than once that he doesn't think he's capable of feeling love and that he knows I deserve better.
Maybe you can help explain some of this to me? I fear that our sex life has gone down the tubes and that I've done pretty much all I can think of to repair it. I've even tried to break up with him but he wouldn't let me so it's not that he doesn't care. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face expressing how I feel about all of this but nothing ever changes. I just feel like I'm dating an inanimate rod or something. Like he's here but not here all the time. Any insights?
VictorM's advice:
To be honest, I think he needs professional help. Your information is too sketchy to have any kind of educated guess at what's happening. Clearly there's a self-esteem problem, but unless he gets to the bottom of where it came from and what's causing it, not much is going to change.
Apparently he can relate better with people he doesn't know (the members of the website and porn stars) than he does with you, but that is all part of his introvert/inferiority complex personality. He's escaping into a fantasy world and you're the real world. Don't take his actions personally.
If he understands that his behavior is not healthy, get him to see a professional therapist; if he thinks nothing is wrong... well, you can't help people that don't want to help themselves. In this case, be aware that you don't need his permission or approval to break up with him.
By dunit, 24, from Canada:
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we've been living together for most of that time. He has a very introverted personality and rarely expresses his feelings/emotions (what guy does?? lol).
We both enjoy porn from time to time and aren't ashamed to admit it. The problem is that we never enjoy it together. He has become very withdrawn over the past year and a half or so, but I guess he's always been that way somewhat. It's a long story but something possessed me to put an internet monitoring program on our computer to see what he's up to when I'm not home. It was worse than I thought. He's on porn sites everyday for an hour +. He's on a sexual dating/friend site for the sole purpose of exchanging sexual fantasies etc. And yet, we only have sex maybe 1-2 times a month, and a lot of time I'll try to initiate it and he pushes me away claiming that I have "bad timing" and that he's tired. When I saw all of his internet activites I thought maybe it was me not making enough of an effort. So I sent him a racy email detailing some of my sexual fantasies and asking him to reply with some of his (to try and inject some life into our relationship) and he never even acknowleged it. He's always said that he has a hard time putting sex and relationships on the same level. Almost like he thinks they're 2 separate things. I'm really worried that he's totally lost interest even though he says it has nothing to do with me.
Some contributing factors to this mess could be:
-He's gained a bit of weight since we've been together and I know he's not happy with himself naked.
-We've had a few long conversations and he's expressed more than once that he doesn't think he's capable of feeling love and that he knows I deserve better.
Maybe you can help explain some of this to me? I fear that our sex life has gone down the tubes and that I've done pretty much all I can think of to repair it. I've even tried to break up with him but he wouldn't let me so it's not that he doesn't care. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face expressing how I feel about all of this but nothing ever changes. I just feel like I'm dating an inanimate rod or something. Like he's here but not here all the time. Any insights?
VictorM's advice:
To be honest, I think he needs professional help. Your information is too sketchy to have any kind of educated guess at what's happening. Clearly there's a self-esteem problem, but unless he gets to the bottom of where it came from and what's causing it, not much is going to change.
Apparently he can relate better with people he doesn't know (the members of the website and porn stars) than he does with you, but that is all part of his introvert/inferiority complex personality. He's escaping into a fantasy world and you're the real world. Don't take his actions personally.
If he understands that his behavior is not healthy, get him to see a professional therapist; if he thinks nothing is wrong... well, you can't help people that don't want to help themselves. In this case, be aware that you don't need his permission or approval to break up with him.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Dating a guy who's apprehensive
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By Beth, 52, from Michigan:
Dating a guy who's apprehensive of a serious relationship, but won't admit it. He had a bad divorce. How can I move him along?
VictorM's advice:
You make him sound like he's cattle.
He's in his 50's (I assume) and he's had a bad divorce. What more reasons than that does he need to be apprehensive? At this stage in life, getting hitched is not as appealing as when we were in our 20's. Besides, I think you overlook the most likely reason for his apprehension: he may not be into you as much as you think. I'm not saying he won't be, but guys need more time than females to reach that point.
You want to move him along... why? Where's the fire?
By Beth, 52, from Michigan:
Dating a guy who's apprehensive of a serious relationship, but won't admit it. He had a bad divorce. How can I move him along?
VictorM's advice:
You make him sound like he's cattle.
He's in his 50's (I assume) and he's had a bad divorce. What more reasons than that does he need to be apprehensive? At this stage in life, getting hitched is not as appealing as when we were in our 20's. Besides, I think you overlook the most likely reason for his apprehension: he may not be into you as much as you think. I'm not saying he won't be, but guys need more time than females to reach that point.
You want to move him along... why? Where's the fire?
Valentine's is coming up!
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By Nina, 14, from New Jersey:
HELP!
Valentine's is coming up! And I don't know what to get my boyfriend. He's my first and I don't really know what a guy likes. Any ideas?
And we both go to different schools so I only get to see him in the weekends.
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
A box of condoms with little hearts in them? :-p I don't know. I'm really bad at this.
Anyone care to give Nina some help? (Use the comments section below)
By Nina, 14, from New Jersey:
HELP!
Valentine's is coming up! And I don't know what to get my boyfriend. He's my first and I don't really know what a guy likes. Any ideas?
And we both go to different schools so I only get to see him in the weekends.
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
A box of condoms with little hearts in them? :-p I don't know. I'm really bad at this.
Anyone care to give Nina some help? (Use the comments section below)
I'm a very confused and stubborn girl
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Lisa, 18, California:
Hi Victor, I'm a very confused and stubborn girl, I really need you advice on this one :)
So me and my boyfriend Brandon have been together for a total of about a year and a couple months. 4 months ago, me and him started to fight a lot so I broke up with him because I started having feelings for my long time friend Nelson. I still loved Brandon, because he was everything I wanted in a guy and we were both completely in love with each other, but I didn't think it was fair to him so I took a "break."
I wanted the "break" to be a time where I could get over Nelson, and learn to appreciate Brandon, but little did I know that another girl would come into Brandon's life. I was his first true love, his first everything to him (or so he would say) and a month into our breakup he started dating another girl named Laurie.
When I found this out, I got very jealous, and tried to get him back, but he was a very big jerk, told me to get out of his life and to never talk to him again. He explained how he had fallen for somebody else, and that me and him ever beeing together again was impossible. I was very hurt, confused and heartbroken. I thought after everything we had been through, how did he have the nerve to tell me to get out of his life? Well anyway, I sucked it in, and decided to ignore all contact with him. Him and Laurie were official and me and Nelson were official as well. But two weeks later, he started to send me text messages almost everynight. Another 2 weeks later, me and Nelson ended up breaking up and then I found out a week later that Brandon and Laurie broke up around the same time me and Nelson did as well. Neither me and Brandon knew that each other's relationship had ended so I saw it as a "sign."
A week later I bumped into him at one of my friend's party. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and everyone around us could see how in love we were after the month or two of being apart. We have been together ever since for about 2 months. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but keep remembering everything that he had said to me, and done to me 4 months ago. I think about it periodically and it still breaks my heart everytime. I really don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me too. I know I really need to forget about the past but the more I think about it, the farther away the fact of me and Brandon being together forever seems to get. I have already talked about the situation and what he had done and how much it hurt me, but I still just can't seem to let it go...please help Victor, am I suppose to end things with him because I just can't let this go? Or stay with him and have this in the back of my mind forever? Im very confused.
VictorM's advice:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
What he really meant to say was that you broke his heart and he was in pain, but his male ego and guy upbringing didn't allow him to show that vulnerability. He covered it up by acting tough and being mean.
Take all the nasty things he said to you as a reflection of how much he was hurting that you broke up with him. In fact, for every nasty thing he said to you, you should smile knowing that he was indeed trying to tell you how much you hurt him and how much he missed you. He just did it in a guy sorta way.
Again, I say, forget the actual words he used when he was angry; the translations is: you broke his heart and he missed you.
By Lisa, 18, California:
Hi Victor, I'm a very confused and stubborn girl, I really need you advice on this one :)
So me and my boyfriend Brandon have been together for a total of about a year and a couple months. 4 months ago, me and him started to fight a lot so I broke up with him because I started having feelings for my long time friend Nelson. I still loved Brandon, because he was everything I wanted in a guy and we were both completely in love with each other, but I didn't think it was fair to him so I took a "break."
I wanted the "break" to be a time where I could get over Nelson, and learn to appreciate Brandon, but little did I know that another girl would come into Brandon's life. I was his first true love, his first everything to him (or so he would say) and a month into our breakup he started dating another girl named Laurie.
When I found this out, I got very jealous, and tried to get him back, but he was a very big jerk, told me to get out of his life and to never talk to him again. He explained how he had fallen for somebody else, and that me and him ever beeing together again was impossible. I was very hurt, confused and heartbroken. I thought after everything we had been through, how did he have the nerve to tell me to get out of his life? Well anyway, I sucked it in, and decided to ignore all contact with him. Him and Laurie were official and me and Nelson were official as well. But two weeks later, he started to send me text messages almost everynight. Another 2 weeks later, me and Nelson ended up breaking up and then I found out a week later that Brandon and Laurie broke up around the same time me and Nelson did as well. Neither me and Brandon knew that each other's relationship had ended so I saw it as a "sign."
A week later I bumped into him at one of my friend's party. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and everyone around us could see how in love we were after the month or two of being apart. We have been together ever since for about 2 months. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but keep remembering everything that he had said to me, and done to me 4 months ago. I think about it periodically and it still breaks my heart everytime. I really don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me too. I know I really need to forget about the past but the more I think about it, the farther away the fact of me and Brandon being together forever seems to get. I have already talked about the situation and what he had done and how much it hurt me, but I still just can't seem to let it go...please help Victor, am I suppose to end things with him because I just can't let this go? Or stay with him and have this in the back of my mind forever? Im very confused.
VictorM's advice:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
What he really meant to say was that you broke his heart and he was in pain, but his male ego and guy upbringing didn't allow him to show that vulnerability. He covered it up by acting tough and being mean.
Take all the nasty things he said to you as a reflection of how much he was hurting that you broke up with him. In fact, for every nasty thing he said to you, you should smile knowing that he was indeed trying to tell you how much you hurt him and how much he missed you. He just did it in a guy sorta way.
Again, I say, forget the actual words he used when he was angry; the translations is: you broke his heart and he missed you.
I made my same mistake again
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Kelly, 33:
I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year now, we had separated three months and back together again just now. We both love each other. I promised him I would tell him the reason before I got upset. But this time, I made my same mistake again. I got upset without telling the reason first. I feel so bad and feel so sorry. Now, no matter I call or send messages, he has no response. I know he got disappointed that I never change. How can I get him back? Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Leave him a message telling him: 1) why you got upset, and 2) that people don't change overnight. It takes effort and it takes repetition. You can't promise that it won't happen again, all you can do is promise that you're aware of it being a problem and you will continue to work on it.
Sometimes it's not easy to verbalize why you're upset. I'm not so sure you can promise you will tell him next time. When something makes us angry, we may want to think about what pissed us off, or walk away from a situation first, to give ourselves time to calm down before telling the other person what bothered us. Sometimes we realize we had good reason to be upset, sometimes we realize we were wrong, but often it requires taking time to mull it over before reaching that conclusion. If this guy can't understand that, love may not be enough to keep you together.
By Kelly, 33:
I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year now, we had separated three months and back together again just now. We both love each other. I promised him I would tell him the reason before I got upset. But this time, I made my same mistake again. I got upset without telling the reason first. I feel so bad and feel so sorry. Now, no matter I call or send messages, he has no response. I know he got disappointed that I never change. How can I get him back? Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Leave him a message telling him: 1) why you got upset, and 2) that people don't change overnight. It takes effort and it takes repetition. You can't promise that it won't happen again, all you can do is promise that you're aware of it being a problem and you will continue to work on it.
Sometimes it's not easy to verbalize why you're upset. I'm not so sure you can promise you will tell him next time. When something makes us angry, we may want to think about what pissed us off, or walk away from a situation first, to give ourselves time to calm down before telling the other person what bothered us. Sometimes we realize we had good reason to be upset, sometimes we realize we were wrong, but often it requires taking time to mull it over before reaching that conclusion. If this guy can't understand that, love may not be enough to keep you together.
We aren't an official couple but we do stuff couples do
Submitted by on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Larissa, 16, from New York:
I've been with this guy for a few months; we aren't an official couple but we do stuff couples do (ie hugs&kisses) and I'm fine with keeping it unofficial for parental reasons but his past makes me nervous. He's known to be a player but has said he wouldn't "cheat" on me. He's pretty flirty and talkative when in person but almost never txts/calls me. Maybe I'm just used to pushovers but it seems like his never complimenting me or telling me how he likes me is a little off ... maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself and should slow down since it's "unofficial". Still, it all makes me nervous and I do like this guy a lot. =/
VictorM's advice:
Some guys don't like the phone or texting, and some guys just aren't attentive with the girl in terms of compliments and such. You're falling into the typical female habit of making up excuses or expecting things to change instead of dealing the personality of a guy as you see it just because you like some thing about him.
His attitude has nothing to do with you two being official or not. If during the early part of getting to know you he doesn't do those things, chances are he will never do them. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but you glossing over these things about him by making excuses won't make things better later on.
By Larissa, 16, from New York:
I've been with this guy for a few months; we aren't an official couple but we do stuff couples do (ie hugs&kisses) and I'm fine with keeping it unofficial for parental reasons but his past makes me nervous. He's known to be a player but has said he wouldn't "cheat" on me. He's pretty flirty and talkative when in person but almost never txts/calls me. Maybe I'm just used to pushovers but it seems like his never complimenting me or telling me how he likes me is a little off ... maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself and should slow down since it's "unofficial". Still, it all makes me nervous and I do like this guy a lot. =/
VictorM's advice:
Some guys don't like the phone or texting, and some guys just aren't attentive with the girl in terms of compliments and such. You're falling into the typical female habit of making up excuses or expecting things to change instead of dealing the personality of a guy as you see it just because you like some thing about him.
His attitude has nothing to do with you two being official or not. If during the early part of getting to know you he doesn't do those things, chances are he will never do them. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but you glossing over these things about him by making excuses won't make things better later on.
Confidential to annonymous, 24, part 2
There are several reasons why a guy stays in contact with an ex: it feels good being around someone who pays you more attention than you pay them; just because he may not like her enough to be in a relationship doesn't mean she's not a fun person to be around; telling her that he doesn't want to see her is an unpleasant task for most guys, so they procrastinate; some guys just can't stay breakup cold turkey, they just ease their way out.
Going out with you and going out with his ex, and maybe even other girls is not a problem, specially if it's all kept friendly-like, which is the case with at least you. There's a difference between going out on dates with someone, and dating that person.
Girls asking about other girls, even if there's nothing serious going on, always make a guy feel uncomfortable. On one hand there's nothing to hide, but on the other hand there's unpleasant explanations. That's why he tries to hide pics.
I think the message is very clear based on his actions: you're a fun, friendly person to go out with. Period.
Going out with you and going out with his ex, and maybe even other girls is not a problem, specially if it's all kept friendly-like, which is the case with at least you. There's a difference between going out on dates with someone, and dating that person.
Girls asking about other girls, even if there's nothing serious going on, always make a guy feel uncomfortable. On one hand there's nothing to hide, but on the other hand there's unpleasant explanations. That's why he tries to hide pics.
I think the message is very clear based on his actions: you're a fun, friendly person to go out with. Period.
He is a coach so he is very busy
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By heather, 22, from pc beach florida:
I have a boyfriend who just turned 29 and he is a coach so he is very busy which I know this, but one day he told me he loves me and wants to marry me and then two days later he said: "I won't allow myself to let us work because my job will always be more important", but he said we aren't breaking up. What exactly does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes people say they aren't afraid of heights when they are on solid ground, but when they get near an abyss, their knees will shake and they become consumed by fear. I think telling you about marriage brought him to the abyss and he realized how frightening the thought was, so he backed away from it.
At this point, you can only take him at his word that work is more important than you. It's your call if that's good enough for you.
By heather, 22, from pc beach florida:
I have a boyfriend who just turned 29 and he is a coach so he is very busy which I know this, but one day he told me he loves me and wants to marry me and then two days later he said: "I won't allow myself to let us work because my job will always be more important", but he said we aren't breaking up. What exactly does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes people say they aren't afraid of heights when they are on solid ground, but when they get near an abyss, their knees will shake and they become consumed by fear. I think telling you about marriage brought him to the abyss and he realized how frightening the thought was, so he backed away from it.
At this point, you can only take him at his word that work is more important than you. It's your call if that's good enough for you.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Why would my soon to be ex be calling me for phone sex?
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Kim, 40, from Houston:
Why would my soon to be ex be calling me for phone sex when he is supposedly into a new woman and relationship and has asked me for a divorce? He lives in the UK and we returned to the US and he continues to call me, even from her house! HELP = what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're divorcing a weasel and a scoundrel.
Don't go thinking that somehow he's still so hooked on you and he just can't live without you. Your ego might want to believe that, but you'd be wrong. For most guys, sex, phone or otherwise, can and does happen totally devoid of emotional attachment. Guys can get horny on a dime. Just like that. And if a phone call to you brings some relief, well, a phone call to you it is. It's that simple. There's no other meaning do any of it.
Stop participating in his shenanigans. Don't take the calls.
By Kim, 40, from Houston:
Why would my soon to be ex be calling me for phone sex when he is supposedly into a new woman and relationship and has asked me for a divorce? He lives in the UK and we returned to the US and he continues to call me, even from her house! HELP = what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're divorcing a weasel and a scoundrel.
Don't go thinking that somehow he's still so hooked on you and he just can't live without you. Your ego might want to believe that, but you'd be wrong. For most guys, sex, phone or otherwise, can and does happen totally devoid of emotional attachment. Guys can get horny on a dime. Just like that. And if a phone call to you brings some relief, well, a phone call to you it is. It's that simple. There's no other meaning do any of it.
Stop participating in his shenanigans. Don't take the calls.
He's not ready for a serious relationship
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Sara, 20, from TN:
Well, I've liked this guy for about 2 years and just recently we've been hanging out and talking a lot. Every time he comes to my house to hang out, he stays for very long periods of time. Anyways, he has told me before that I was attractive and that I was an awesome person... Well, one of my friends ended up telling him that I liked him and he asked me if I really did, and I told him yes, but if he didn't like me that was fine, I didn't want to lose him as a friend. He told me that he loved hanging out with me and maybe one day but not now... Then he goes on to say that he's not ready for a serious relationship with someone that he really cares about! Was that just a way to let me down easy, or does he mean that he doesn't want to date me now because he could get serious about me?
VictorM's advice:
You're both quite young, which probably is a contributing factor for his words, but generally, guys are never ready for a relationship unless they feel that the girl is the right one. He's not there with you yet.
I wouldn't take it as letting you down; more as a step back and take it easy.
By Sara, 20, from TN:
Well, I've liked this guy for about 2 years and just recently we've been hanging out and talking a lot. Every time he comes to my house to hang out, he stays for very long periods of time. Anyways, he has told me before that I was attractive and that I was an awesome person... Well, one of my friends ended up telling him that I liked him and he asked me if I really did, and I told him yes, but if he didn't like me that was fine, I didn't want to lose him as a friend. He told me that he loved hanging out with me and maybe one day but not now... Then he goes on to say that he's not ready for a serious relationship with someone that he really cares about! Was that just a way to let me down easy, or does he mean that he doesn't want to date me now because he could get serious about me?
VictorM's advice:
You're both quite young, which probably is a contributing factor for his words, but generally, guys are never ready for a relationship unless they feel that the girl is the right one. He's not there with you yet.
I wouldn't take it as letting you down; more as a step back and take it easy.
The difference between love, lust, and infatuation?
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Lucia, 16:
Hello,
VICTOR! My friend recommended this website for me if I had any problems. (: haha
Well, my question is, how do you know the difference between love, lust, and infatuation?
Like, I really like this person but I'm not so sure if it's love or if it's just my need or wanting for someone to cuddle with or talk to?
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
VictorM's advice:
You have a good friend. :)
OK, let's say you take your partner to an expensive restaurant and you order the Australian lobster tail, your favorite food. After tasting it you realize it's fantastic. Then he asks you to taste your lobster.
If you let him have a small bite, that's infatuation. If you decide to share half of your lobster with him, that's love.
And lust? Well, even if he had shrimp scampi with massive amounts of garlic, you'd still want to fuck him that night.
By Lucia, 16:
Hello,
VICTOR! My friend recommended this website for me if I had any problems. (: haha
Well, my question is, how do you know the difference between love, lust, and infatuation?
Like, I really like this person but I'm not so sure if it's love or if it's just my need or wanting for someone to cuddle with or talk to?
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
VictorM's advice:
You have a good friend. :)
OK, let's say you take your partner to an expensive restaurant and you order the Australian lobster tail, your favorite food. After tasting it you realize it's fantastic. Then he asks you to taste your lobster.
If you let him have a small bite, that's infatuation. If you decide to share half of your lobster with him, that's love.
And lust? Well, even if he had shrimp scampi with massive amounts of garlic, you'd still want to fuck him that night.
Monday, January 21, 2008
He does not seem to have a crush on me
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Rosey, 16, from California:
I have a crush on this guy who I'm friends with, but he does not seem to have a crush on me. He's always busy with other things and we hardly hang out. What can I do for him to like me?
VictorM's advice:
Remember this: it's not about you, it's how the guy feels about himself when he's with you.
If he feels smart, sexy, and funny around you he'll want to be with you. This doesn't mean he'll be attracted to you, but the more he hangs around you, the more your odds improve. So, smile, pay him simple and sincere compliments, and talk about things he's passionate about.
By Rosey, 16, from California:
I have a crush on this guy who I'm friends with, but he does not seem to have a crush on me. He's always busy with other things and we hardly hang out. What can I do for him to like me?
VictorM's advice:
Remember this: it's not about you, it's how the guy feels about himself when he's with you.
If he feels smart, sexy, and funny around you he'll want to be with you. This doesn't mean he'll be attracted to you, but the more he hangs around you, the more your odds improve. So, smile, pay him simple and sincere compliments, and talk about things he's passionate about.
He never called me today.
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Sarah, 21, from Massachusetts:
I asked an ex (we broke up a few months ago) if he wanted to meet up and catch up. He said "that would be good." He knows that I still have feelings for him.
He was going to go drink with friends so I told him to tell me when he was free later and sober. He texted me later telling me that he would call me the next day (today) because he was pretty drunk.
But he never called me today.
Is this a "nice" way of him telling me that he doesn't want to meet up? Or am I looking too much into it?
VictorM's advice:
He never intended to meet with you. "That would be good" was simply his way of getting away from you without having to make you cry or appear rude.
Don't ask him again unless you want to hear more things that he doesn't mean but says them only because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
By Sarah, 21, from Massachusetts:
I asked an ex (we broke up a few months ago) if he wanted to meet up and catch up. He said "that would be good." He knows that I still have feelings for him.
He was going to go drink with friends so I told him to tell me when he was free later and sober. He texted me later telling me that he would call me the next day (today) because he was pretty drunk.
But he never called me today.
Is this a "nice" way of him telling me that he doesn't want to meet up? Or am I looking too much into it?
VictorM's advice:
He never intended to meet with you. "That would be good" was simply his way of getting away from you without having to make you cry or appear rude.
Don't ask him again unless you want to hear more things that he doesn't mean but says them only because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
Confidential To Anonnymous, 24
I have often seen friends and coworkers invite female friends to places like what you describe. I'm not sure of the reasons but my guess is that it has something to do with treating you like one of the guys, or purely for the amusement of seeing your reaction. Going there is fun for the guys and they assume it would be fun for you. I would not read more into it than that.
Yes, friends can become lovers but in most cases, once that trip is initiated, there's no going back; you either become lovers or you fade apart. It is this predicament that causes lots of friends from exploring the possibility of a relationship.
Yes, friends can become lovers but in most cases, once that trip is initiated, there's no going back; you either become lovers or you fade apart. It is this predicament that causes lots of friends from exploring the possibility of a relationship.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I have a big problem dealing with my mom
Submitted on Saturday, January 19, 2008
By stephanie, 15:
Hey Victor!
Well, I have a big problem dealing with my mom and my boyfriend. See, I've been going out with
him for almost a year and three months. This whole time, my mom had no idea. Actually she found out about it and went crazy. She's a very strict person and doesn't like me dating. She also has trust issues with me. I just want her acceptance for my boyfriend but she just flat out hates him. He's kind of a trouble maker but he has such a great side too. And most of the time, he just likes to play around. He's a great guy but my mom only sees his bad sides. I don't even know why she won't just give me a chance. I hate lying to her about this and if she just gave it a chance I know things would be better. I also do so good in school already. Straight A's and have never failed anything in my life, Valedictorian of Elementary, top 5 in middle school and now on the principle's list of highschool. (sorry to sound boastful) She says that the problem is my attitude and the fact that she can't trust me, but the ONLY reason why I give her attitude is basically because she won't give me a chance with this guy. I have never cared for a guy so much and would not have gone through all the trouble just to be with him. I was thinking of talking to her about him and compromising and agreeing to something, but more than half of me knows she won't agree. I'm afraid she'll just shut me off and get angry with me. But, I want to take the risk because she might come to understanding what I mean and feel. Do you think by talking to her and having a conversation with her about this will make her find me more mature and sincere? Or will it just end in a total wreck with her being all angry?
I really like this guy. I know he's not using me for anything or just wanting to have a girl. He really cares for me. I want to tell my mom this but I don't think she'd take me seriously. She might just laugh at my face and then get mad. How can I get her to understand and finally approve of this?
VictorM's advice:
Come on Stephanie, everyone has a good side. Even Hitler felt sorry for his dog when he had him killed. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a rotten guy, but I can understand why your mom focus on his bad side; that is the side to worry about.
You have been lying to your mother for over a year and now you want her to trust you? Trusting is very hard to do when you have been lied to. Your mom isn't about to be played the fool willingly.
If you approach your mom in a confrontational way and expecting to get all you want, you will lose. If, however, you are willing to be smart and realize that you may have to give a lot to get you on a path of trust with her, it could be positive. There is technique that I often advise here for exactly this type of conversation. Read this Question and Answer. It's not exactly your situation but close enough. Write back if you have more questions.
By stephanie, 15:
Hey Victor!
Well, I have a big problem dealing with my mom and my boyfriend. See, I've been going out with
him for almost a year and three months. This whole time, my mom had no idea. Actually she found out about it and went crazy. She's a very strict person and doesn't like me dating. She also has trust issues with me. I just want her acceptance for my boyfriend but she just flat out hates him. He's kind of a trouble maker but he has such a great side too. And most of the time, he just likes to play around. He's a great guy but my mom only sees his bad sides. I don't even know why she won't just give me a chance. I hate lying to her about this and if she just gave it a chance I know things would be better. I also do so good in school already. Straight A's and have never failed anything in my life, Valedictorian of Elementary, top 5 in middle school and now on the principle's list of highschool. (sorry to sound boastful) She says that the problem is my attitude and the fact that she can't trust me, but the ONLY reason why I give her attitude is basically because she won't give me a chance with this guy. I have never cared for a guy so much and would not have gone through all the trouble just to be with him. I was thinking of talking to her about him and compromising and agreeing to something, but more than half of me knows she won't agree. I'm afraid she'll just shut me off and get angry with me. But, I want to take the risk because she might come to understanding what I mean and feel. Do you think by talking to her and having a conversation with her about this will make her find me more mature and sincere? Or will it just end in a total wreck with her being all angry?
I really like this guy. I know he's not using me for anything or just wanting to have a girl. He really cares for me. I want to tell my mom this but I don't think she'd take me seriously. She might just laugh at my face and then get mad. How can I get her to understand and finally approve of this?
VictorM's advice:
Come on Stephanie, everyone has a good side. Even Hitler felt sorry for his dog when he had him killed. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a rotten guy, but I can understand why your mom focus on his bad side; that is the side to worry about.
You have been lying to your mother for over a year and now you want her to trust you? Trusting is very hard to do when you have been lied to. Your mom isn't about to be played the fool willingly.
If you approach your mom in a confrontational way and expecting to get all you want, you will lose. If, however, you are willing to be smart and realize that you may have to give a lot to get you on a path of trust with her, it could be positive. There is technique that I often advise here for exactly this type of conversation. Read this Question and Answer. It's not exactly your situation but close enough. Write back if you have more questions.
I am in love with a dear friend of mine
Submitted on Friday, January 18, 2008
By Gem, 25, from SC:
Dear Victor,
I have a unique situation, which I cannot speak to anyone else about. I have hopes that you would be able to help me, seeing that you do give excellent advice. You see, I am in love with a dear friend of mine and have been for 5 years. He doesn’t know, and I am debating whether or not I should make it known. BUT(!) there is a catch—a couple of catches, actually: 1.) He is married and has a son; and 2.) I honestly and truly don’t expect anything of him if I do tell him. I mean, from what I have seen, he is very happy with his wife and kid, so I can’t (and don’t!) expect him to leave them no matter what I feel for him. I don’t want to feel responsible for breaking up their relationship, as I have immense respect for him and his wife! At the same time, however, am I not allowed to be true to myself? Can’t I tell him that my feelings for him run deeper than friendship with the premise being that I’m doing this for my sake? I only want to reveal these feelings because this secret has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind for years, and I want this weight to be shifted. In short, should I spill the beans, or keep them bottled up and continue to agonize? And if I do spill the beans, what’s to become of our friendship even after I explain that I’m only revealing such thoughts to free my heart and mind? What should I do?
Gem
VictorM's advice:
DO NOT TELL HIM A THING!
OK, is that clear enough?
You ask: "am I not allowed to be true to myself?" Sure you are. The question is: what kind of person are you? Are you selfish and indifferent or considerate and loving? Accepting and respecting that he's happily married carries with it greater sense of truth than spilling the beans.
This secret is weighting heavily on your heart and that's where it should remain. He's not responsible for your feelings and you should not make it his burden. Doing so would not be a sign of love; it would be pure selfishness.
What do you expect will happen if you tell him? You really think it will help you? I really don't see how. For sure you will ruin the friendship with him and his wife. Do you expect him to hear this from you and not tell his wife?
He is totally off limits unless his marriage breaks down. You'd be wise to avoid him and start focusing on finding someone else. If you think he's the only guy you're capable of falling in love with you'd be wrong. You're just investing too much emotional energy on a losing cause instead of redirecting that energy to finding your own happiness.
By Gem, 25, from SC:
Dear Victor,
I have a unique situation, which I cannot speak to anyone else about. I have hopes that you would be able to help me, seeing that you do give excellent advice. You see, I am in love with a dear friend of mine and have been for 5 years. He doesn’t know, and I am debating whether or not I should make it known. BUT(!) there is a catch—a couple of catches, actually: 1.) He is married and has a son; and 2.) I honestly and truly don’t expect anything of him if I do tell him. I mean, from what I have seen, he is very happy with his wife and kid, so I can’t (and don’t!) expect him to leave them no matter what I feel for him. I don’t want to feel responsible for breaking up their relationship, as I have immense respect for him and his wife! At the same time, however, am I not allowed to be true to myself? Can’t I tell him that my feelings for him run deeper than friendship with the premise being that I’m doing this for my sake? I only want to reveal these feelings because this secret has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind for years, and I want this weight to be shifted. In short, should I spill the beans, or keep them bottled up and continue to agonize? And if I do spill the beans, what’s to become of our friendship even after I explain that I’m only revealing such thoughts to free my heart and mind? What should I do?
Gem
VictorM's advice:
DO NOT TELL HIM A THING!
OK, is that clear enough?
You ask: "am I not allowed to be true to myself?" Sure you are. The question is: what kind of person are you? Are you selfish and indifferent or considerate and loving? Accepting and respecting that he's happily married carries with it greater sense of truth than spilling the beans.
This secret is weighting heavily on your heart and that's where it should remain. He's not responsible for your feelings and you should not make it his burden. Doing so would not be a sign of love; it would be pure selfishness.
What do you expect will happen if you tell him? You really think it will help you? I really don't see how. For sure you will ruin the friendship with him and his wife. Do you expect him to hear this from you and not tell his wife?
He is totally off limits unless his marriage breaks down. You'd be wise to avoid him and start focusing on finding someone else. If you think he's the only guy you're capable of falling in love with you'd be wrong. You're just investing too much emotional energy on a losing cause instead of redirecting that energy to finding your own happiness.
Do I stand a chance at nabbing this guy?
Submitted on Thursday, January 17, 2008
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Hey, it's me...blowjob girl. :)
So, here is the status thus far:
- We sporadically chit-chat and message each other online and send each other random text messages, but we don't talk on the phone. I'm not much of a gabber; much rather be with the person and talk
- He asked me to go to dinner with him on Tuesday, I turned him down (had to do other things)
- He asked again to go to dinner yesterday, turned him down but invited him to meet me later to play pool
- We played pool and flirted with each other. Later we ate, made-out and groped each other, but no full-on contact.
Now, he was trying to get me to go over to his house afterward to "play Wii." I'm not stupid and know exactly what that meant. I turned him down, but stayed with him for about an hour or two in the parking lot, chatting and kissing.
My question is this: do I stand a chance at nabbing this guy for reasons other than anything sexual? I mean, I think he's a great guy. I obviously like talking to him and being with him. But am I going about it the right way?
What's the smart thing for me to do to let him know that I'm interested in HIM and not just sex with him (though that would be pretty bad-ass too, but just way later in the game).
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why you're asking me because frankly, I think you're doing great on your own.
Every guy is different but damn, a girl who gives "something else" blow jobs, plays pool, doesn't demand phone minutes, and is not clingy? Sounds like he hit the jackpot!
I just don't understand how you can pass up a chance to play "Wii" :)
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Hey, it's me...blowjob girl. :)
So, here is the status thus far:
- We sporadically chit-chat and message each other online and send each other random text messages, but we don't talk on the phone. I'm not much of a gabber; much rather be with the person and talk
- He asked me to go to dinner with him on Tuesday, I turned him down (had to do other things)
- He asked again to go to dinner yesterday, turned him down but invited him to meet me later to play pool
- We played pool and flirted with each other. Later we ate, made-out and groped each other, but no full-on contact.
Now, he was trying to get me to go over to his house afterward to "play Wii." I'm not stupid and know exactly what that meant. I turned him down, but stayed with him for about an hour or two in the parking lot, chatting and kissing.
My question is this: do I stand a chance at nabbing this guy for reasons other than anything sexual? I mean, I think he's a great guy. I obviously like talking to him and being with him. But am I going about it the right way?
What's the smart thing for me to do to let him know that I'm interested in HIM and not just sex with him (though that would be pretty bad-ass too, but just way later in the game).
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why you're asking me because frankly, I think you're doing great on your own.
Every guy is different but damn, a girl who gives "something else" blow jobs, plays pool, doesn't demand phone minutes, and is not clingy? Sounds like he hit the jackpot!
I just don't understand how you can pass up a chance to play "Wii" :)
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Does he like me or does he hate me?
Submitted on Thursday, January 17, 2008
By Sammy, 17, from Virginia:
By Sammy, 17, from Virginia:
I'm a senior in High School and there is this guy I've known since last year. Beginning of junior year we had math together and we sat next to each other. Second semester junior year I had history with him and we got to pick our own seats and I decided to sit next to him and his friend. I got to know about him, he's very studious and is dedicated to his sport and hopes to go to an Ivy league school. He's so focused into his studies and his sport that he never seems to be interested in anything but doing well in school.
All of last year he would tease me and he and his friend gave me a nick name which is suppose to mean unaware/clueless. I think one week I was really stressed out and I would space out in his direction and he thought I was staring at him (I wasn't). He would then stare at me really intensly to make fun of what he thought I did. After class, I would walk to my next class taking the same route as he and his friend and they would say that I was "following them." Some of the things they did hurt me, but strangely enough when I would walk with just him he would talk to me nicely and we would share some laughs. There were a couple of times he would tease me and I would tell him "stop it please" and he would later apologize and say he was kidding. I tried to get him to give me his email address when we were talking about a website and I asked him for his email, but he refused to give it to me. Looking back I think I was oversensitive to some of the stuff he said to me, but I'm not sure. I had a crush on him all of last year and I still do, but we aren't in the same classes. I see him talking to other girls and I immediately think that he likes them. If we see one another after school he'll give me a holler and we'll walk and talk together.
I'm so confused, whats going on here? Does he like me or does he hate me? I'm confused.
VictorM's answer:
Neither.
(I love these short answers).
All of last year he would tease me and he and his friend gave me a nick name which is suppose to mean unaware/clueless. I think one week I was really stressed out and I would space out in his direction and he thought I was staring at him (I wasn't). He would then stare at me really intensly to make fun of what he thought I did. After class, I would walk to my next class taking the same route as he and his friend and they would say that I was "following them." Some of the things they did hurt me, but strangely enough when I would walk with just him he would talk to me nicely and we would share some laughs. There were a couple of times he would tease me and I would tell him "stop it please" and he would later apologize and say he was kidding. I tried to get him to give me his email address when we were talking about a website and I asked him for his email, but he refused to give it to me. Looking back I think I was oversensitive to some of the stuff he said to me, but I'm not sure. I had a crush on him all of last year and I still do, but we aren't in the same classes. I see him talking to other girls and I immediately think that he likes them. If we see one another after school he'll give me a holler and we'll walk and talk together.
I'm so confused, whats going on here? Does he like me or does he hate me? I'm confused.
VictorM's answer:
Neither.
(I love these short answers).
I need to understand this man's motives
Submitted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008
By Jenna, 32, from Ohio:
I need to understand this man's motives. This may sound weird but I have a male gynecologist that I been seeing for 5 years. He always ask personal questions about my marriage and husband. He wants to know intimiate details and begs me to tell him. He always staring at me and seems very nervous around me. He wants to know my work schedule, habits, and etc... Why is he so curious? Is it just cause I am his patient or what? He is not disrespectful but rather very curious about me. I walked out the office feeling kinda confused.
VictorM's answer:
I have never been to a gynecologist so I don't know what questions are normal. There may be a reason for those questions, I just don't know.
But don't discount that just because the man has a doctor's diploma that he can't also be a pervert, a jerk, an asshole, etc.
Anyway, I hope visitors use the comments section below to share their own experiences with gynecologists in this regard.
By Jenna, 32, from Ohio:
I need to understand this man's motives. This may sound weird but I have a male gynecologist that I been seeing for 5 years. He always ask personal questions about my marriage and husband. He wants to know intimiate details and begs me to tell him. He always staring at me and seems very nervous around me. He wants to know my work schedule, habits, and etc... Why is he so curious? Is it just cause I am his patient or what? He is not disrespectful but rather very curious about me. I walked out the office feeling kinda confused.
VictorM's answer:
I have never been to a gynecologist so I don't know what questions are normal. There may be a reason for those questions, I just don't know.
But don't discount that just because the man has a doctor's diploma that he can't also be a pervert, a jerk, an asshole, etc.
Anyway, I hope visitors use the comments section below to share their own experiences with gynecologists in this regard.
Why visit my profile after he knew it was me?
Submitted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008
By sara, 28, from uk:
me again!! well i've been doing no contact with that guy....trying to get him out of my head etc. anyway....i put myself back up on this dating site i'd been on before...it takes 48 hours to approve your photos so all you can see is what i've writen etc. whilst i was waiting for my photos to show....guess who visited my profile 10 times a day?? he did...
i didnt know he was on this site...so was a bit shocked to see him there i can tell you!! anyway....he added me to his hotlist and kept viewing my profile....up until the day when my photos appeared. since then he's viewed my profile a few times again.
i went out on a date the other night and got on with this guy really well....so when i got home i changed my status message on facebook to say that i think i may have actually met someone who could keep up with me....
the old guy messaged me straight away....asking about the other guy and saying that if he could keep up with me then he must be doing well haha!! i replied just saying yeah he is...happy days haha!!
now...firstly....why visit my profile after he knew it was me?? if he wanted to just cut ties with me? and why message me about my facebook status message??
i did really like him...as you know...and i know i messed up a bit at the start....but i don't really understand him!! also....could you tell me why he would tell me that he was deleting my number....and ask me if that was ok? that i REALLY don't understand...
thank you !! xxx
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't like you but that doesn't mean he doesn't want you to like him. His narcissistic nature wants you to want him. It's all an ego thing. None of what he did was a reflection of how he feels about you. If you think it is, you'd be wrong.
By sara, 28, from uk:
me again!! well i've been doing no contact with that guy....trying to get him out of my head etc. anyway....i put myself back up on this dating site i'd been on before...it takes 48 hours to approve your photos so all you can see is what i've writen etc. whilst i was waiting for my photos to show....guess who visited my profile 10 times a day?? he did...
i didnt know he was on this site...so was a bit shocked to see him there i can tell you!! anyway....he added me to his hotlist and kept viewing my profile....up until the day when my photos appeared. since then he's viewed my profile a few times again.
i went out on a date the other night and got on with this guy really well....so when i got home i changed my status message on facebook to say that i think i may have actually met someone who could keep up with me....
the old guy messaged me straight away....asking about the other guy and saying that if he could keep up with me then he must be doing well haha!! i replied just saying yeah he is...happy days haha!!
now...firstly....why visit my profile after he knew it was me?? if he wanted to just cut ties with me? and why message me about my facebook status message??
i did really like him...as you know...and i know i messed up a bit at the start....but i don't really understand him!! also....could you tell me why he would tell me that he was deleting my number....and ask me if that was ok? that i REALLY don't understand...
thank you !! xxx
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't like you but that doesn't mean he doesn't want you to like him. His narcissistic nature wants you to want him. It's all an ego thing. None of what he did was a reflection of how he feels about you. If you think it is, you'd be wrong.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
What drives a man wild in the bedroom?
Submitted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
What drives a man wild in the bedroom? I want to really treat this guy I've been seeing and I'm going to dress up sexy for him. What will really make his night? And please don't say football :)
VictorM's advice:
Not just any football, but ManU with C. Ronaldo? AC Milan with Kaka? Barcelona with Messi? Now we're talking; even wild sex comes second best.
Anyway... sexual preference is a very individual thing. I wouldn't even venture a guess what this guy might like. As we have seen in recent Questions and Answers, it could vary greatly. Griz, for example, found that a spontaneous blow-job could be judged as "something else". On the other hand, Shannon found that just mentioning sex got her in hot water. So you can never tell.
Lindsay, first, make sure he's not gay. After that, if you dress sexy for him and are willing to put out, you're halfway to driving him wild (CAUTION: if the date is this Saturday, just make sure it's not at the same time as the Celtic vs Kilmarnock match).
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
What drives a man wild in the bedroom? I want to really treat this guy I've been seeing and I'm going to dress up sexy for him. What will really make his night? And please don't say football :)
VictorM's advice:
Not just any football, but ManU with C. Ronaldo? AC Milan with Kaka? Barcelona with Messi? Now we're talking; even wild sex comes second best.
Anyway... sexual preference is a very individual thing. I wouldn't even venture a guess what this guy might like. As we have seen in recent Questions and Answers, it could vary greatly. Griz, for example, found that a spontaneous blow-job could be judged as "something else". On the other hand, Shannon found that just mentioning sex got her in hot water. So you can never tell.
Lindsay, first, make sure he's not gay. After that, if you dress sexy for him and are willing to put out, you're halfway to driving him wild (CAUTION: if the date is this Saturday, just make sure it's not at the same time as the Celtic vs Kilmarnock match).
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
It seems like he wasn't ready for me
Submitted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008
By Adrienne, 14, from New Jersey:
I asked out my friend three times, and it seems like he wasn't ready for me. Well, I just met him this year, and I probably took it too quick. But I asked him: "In the future, would you go out with me?" he goes and replies "maybe". All my friends that I have asked said that he likes me, but they are not him. In my point of view, that maybe is a "no". Is my answer correct? And one night on AIM, he said that we definitely should "do" it before we graduate. I really was shocked when I saw this, and I was thinking "Wow, really?" And we won't be going out. Then he said something like (this was a while ago so I don't remember exactly) "I'm serious." Then he said something about friend with benefits then said "lmao" (it means similar to laughing out loud). Now I don't really know how I feel about him. He isn't that hott or anything. Hmm... lol
VictorM's advice:
"Maybe" generally means "no"; you're right about that.
Boys around your age are very unpredictable. Boys generally mature later than girls and when their hormones kick into high gear they become horny toads thinking of nothing but sex, which explains the way he talked to you.
He's not ready to go out with you yet in a romantic way. He's too young and too immature to contemplate just going out with you. In a year, this could chance (that is, he might be ready for romance). But he'll still want to "do" you just the same, that won't change.
By Adrienne, 14, from New Jersey:
I asked out my friend three times, and it seems like he wasn't ready for me. Well, I just met him this year, and I probably took it too quick. But I asked him: "In the future, would you go out with me?" he goes and replies "maybe". All my friends that I have asked said that he likes me, but they are not him. In my point of view, that maybe is a "no". Is my answer correct? And one night on AIM, he said that we definitely should "do" it before we graduate. I really was shocked when I saw this, and I was thinking "Wow, really?" And we won't be going out. Then he said something like (this was a while ago so I don't remember exactly) "I'm serious." Then he said something about friend with benefits then said "lmao" (it means similar to laughing out loud). Now I don't really know how I feel about him. He isn't that hott or anything. Hmm... lol
VictorM's advice:
"Maybe" generally means "no"; you're right about that.
Boys around your age are very unpredictable. Boys generally mature later than girls and when their hormones kick into high gear they become horny toads thinking of nothing but sex, which explains the way he talked to you.
He's not ready to go out with you yet in a romantic way. He's too young and too immature to contemplate just going out with you. In a year, this could chance (that is, he might be ready for romance). But he'll still want to "do" you just the same, that won't change.
I want to contact this guy
Submitted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008
By Sammee, 28, from Pacific Northwest:
I want to contact this guy that I have been smitten with for the past 6 months. He was flirtatious with me back when we first met but I was not ready for a relationship plus I was in a shy phase. Now he has a girlfriend that he has moved in with. Would it be inappropriate for me to send a myspace message or something like that?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think it would be inappropriate. It's his responsibility to tell you "no thanks" if he's not interested.
By Sammee, 28, from Pacific Northwest:
I want to contact this guy that I have been smitten with for the past 6 months. He was flirtatious with me back when we first met but I was not ready for a relationship plus I was in a shy phase. Now he has a girlfriend that he has moved in with. Would it be inappropriate for me to send a myspace message or something like that?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think it would be inappropriate. It's his responsibility to tell you "no thanks" if he's not interested.
He almost got his ass killed
Submitted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008
By leelee, 16, from tn:
I'm replying to "tough but not that tough." You see, another problem came up. He almost got his ass killed because his "friends" ganged up on him. I really don't want him hurt because I love him. :_(
VictorM's answer:
I understand it pains you to see him get hurt, but you have to let him handle his problems with the guys. Most of the times, these types of confrontations are just boys being boys. They outgrow them and become friends.
Trust me, almost getting his ass kicked by guys is a walk in the park compared to being hated by girls (yes, I saw the movie "Mean Girls" and I'm traumatized for life).
By leelee, 16, from tn:
I'm replying to "tough but not that tough." You see, another problem came up. He almost got his ass killed because his "friends" ganged up on him. I really don't want him hurt because I love him. :_(
VictorM's answer:
I understand it pains you to see him get hurt, but you have to let him handle his problems with the guys. Most of the times, these types of confrontations are just boys being boys. They outgrow them and become friends.
Trust me, almost getting his ass kicked by guys is a walk in the park compared to being hated by girls (yes, I saw the movie "Mean Girls" and I'm traumatized for life).
Too early for me to move in with him?
Submitted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008
By Beth, 29, from San Diego:
Hey Vic,
I have known this guy since November. We have been officially dating since after the holidays. Do you think it is too early for me to move in with him? I still live with my parents. I know they are going to take it bad, but I'm 29 and it's time to leave the nest. Thanks in advance for your response.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I think it's wayyy too early to move in with him. Heck, he still has lint in his belly older than your official date. You have got to wait longer to make sure you're past just a smitten phase. Guys in particular are notorious get getting gang-ho early on and fading fast. Don't rush!
If he's the right guy, he'll still be the right guy in six months or a year; if he's the wrong guy, extricating yourself from a live-in partnership will be a pain.
If you want out of your parent's house, move out and live by yourself. If you can't afford that, try a regular roommate, but don't do it with a guy you've known for only a couple of months.
By Beth, 29, from San Diego:
Hey Vic,
I have known this guy since November. We have been officially dating since after the holidays. Do you think it is too early for me to move in with him? I still live with my parents. I know they are going to take it bad, but I'm 29 and it's time to leave the nest. Thanks in advance for your response.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I think it's wayyy too early to move in with him. Heck, he still has lint in his belly older than your official date. You have got to wait longer to make sure you're past just a smitten phase. Guys in particular are notorious get getting gang-ho early on and fading fast. Don't rush!
If he's the right guy, he'll still be the right guy in six months or a year; if he's the wrong guy, extricating yourself from a live-in partnership will be a pain.
If you want out of your parent's house, move out and live by yourself. If you can't afford that, try a regular roommate, but don't do it with a guy you've known for only a couple of months.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Does this mean he is not into me?
Submitted on Monday, January 14, 2008
By babydoll, 19, from NY:
Hi Victor, remember me, I was the girl that was being stood up by this guy I met over the summer. Well, he called and we spend the New Year's eve together. I spend the first night at his house ( we didn't do it that night) I met his mom, and two best friends. Everything was great and two weeks has passed now he never call me or text me. I text him twice and never get an answer from him. Does this mean he is not into me? I mean our conversation goes great and just before he drop me off at my house he asked me to call him. I really don't know what to do with him anymore.
VictorM's advice:
Hi babydoll. I sure remember you. Welcome back.
Yes, his disappearance, unless he was kidnapped, means he's not into you. He either wanted to give you another try or you were better than being alone, but it's pretty obvious you don't rate very high on his list.
Give him the time of day again at your own risk.
By babydoll, 19, from NY:
Hi Victor, remember me, I was the girl that was being stood up by this guy I met over the summer. Well, he called and we spend the New Year's eve together. I spend the first night at his house ( we didn't do it that night) I met his mom, and two best friends. Everything was great and two weeks has passed now he never call me or text me. I text him twice and never get an answer from him. Does this mean he is not into me? I mean our conversation goes great and just before he drop me off at my house he asked me to call him. I really don't know what to do with him anymore.
VictorM's advice:
Hi babydoll. I sure remember you. Welcome back.
Yes, his disappearance, unless he was kidnapped, means he's not into you. He either wanted to give you another try or you were better than being alone, but it's pretty obvious you don't rate very high on his list.
Give him the time of day again at your own risk.
Name Confusion
Submitted on Monday, January 14, 2008
By "Stephanie", 25, from IN:
Victor,
I am sorry you confused my friend and I. After I submitted my question she submitted hers. We really didn't think you would post both, we figured since you only answered a few a day that we would be lucky to get one of our chosen. I would really like some more help with the guy at work, but I guess I will look else where. You pretty much answered my friends question, I guess - but it wasn't anything I haven't already been telling her. Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up.
VictorM's answer:
Thanks for clarifying. The same name on both submissions throw me off. Anyway, for everyone else's benefit, here's your question again:
OKay, here goes.
There is a man at work. He is very attractive, but is also kind of a big dork - which is okay. I really like him, and would really like to get to know him better. We had lunch a couple months ago and it went really well. We get along very well and talk a few times a week, at work. Our conversations at work are not work related, but we don't have contact outside of work. He runs two departments in our agency so he is a very busy man and doesn't usually get to take a lunch. I have asked him to lunch a few times and he has been too busy. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should take that as a hint and I start to try to forget about him. But then we will talk again and he will seem really into me - he tells me all about remodeling his house and his family and compliments me - but never makes a move. I am so confused. I am tempted to ask him to dinner or something after work, but really don't want to be the girl who is not taking a hint, you know? Like I said, he is a big dork and seems kind of awkward even though he is gorgeous - some one just said the word 'sex' and he turned three shades of red - maybe he is really shy? Or do you think the fact that we work together could be a problem? (He is NOT my boss) Or maybe I am just stupid and he is not interested.
VictorM's advice:
Since you're both "stuck" at work, it's easy to start conversations unrelated to work as a way of either passing the time or just venting. To jump to the conclusion that he has feelings is quite a leap. Further, this gets complicated because today people are more sensitive to expressing romantic interest. Managers in particular are trained to be weary of these situations to avoid sexual harassment charges.
So, while I don't know what he might feel, and even if the signs don't seem to indicate he has any more interest then talking to a good listener, you won't really find out what might be on his mind unless you're away from the work environment. As long as you have reason to be confused, asking him for dinner is a good idea. But don't be surprised if he tells you he's too busy.
He's gorgeous, into modeling, and turns red when you talk about sex... I don't want to stereotype but maybe he's not into girls at all. :-p
Victor,
I am sorry you confused my friend and I. After I submitted my question she submitted hers. We really didn't think you would post both, we figured since you only answered a few a day that we would be lucky to get one of our chosen. I would really like some more help with the guy at work, but I guess I will look else where. You pretty much answered my friends question, I guess - but it wasn't anything I haven't already been telling her. Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up.
VictorM's answer:
Thanks for clarifying. The same name on both submissions throw me off. Anyway, for everyone else's benefit, here's your question again:
OKay, here goes.
There is a man at work. He is very attractive, but is also kind of a big dork - which is okay. I really like him, and would really like to get to know him better. We had lunch a couple months ago and it went really well. We get along very well and talk a few times a week, at work. Our conversations at work are not work related, but we don't have contact outside of work. He runs two departments in our agency so he is a very busy man and doesn't usually get to take a lunch. I have asked him to lunch a few times and he has been too busy. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should take that as a hint and I start to try to forget about him. But then we will talk again and he will seem really into me - he tells me all about remodeling his house and his family and compliments me - but never makes a move. I am so confused. I am tempted to ask him to dinner or something after work, but really don't want to be the girl who is not taking a hint, you know? Like I said, he is a big dork and seems kind of awkward even though he is gorgeous - some one just said the word 'sex' and he turned three shades of red - maybe he is really shy? Or do you think the fact that we work together could be a problem? (He is NOT my boss) Or maybe I am just stupid and he is not interested.
VictorM's advice:
Since you're both "stuck" at work, it's easy to start conversations unrelated to work as a way of either passing the time or just venting. To jump to the conclusion that he has feelings is quite a leap. Further, this gets complicated because today people are more sensitive to expressing romantic interest. Managers in particular are trained to be weary of these situations to avoid sexual harassment charges.
So, while I don't know what he might feel, and even if the signs don't seem to indicate he has any more interest then talking to a good listener, you won't really find out what might be on his mind unless you're away from the work environment. As long as you have reason to be confused, asking him for dinner is a good idea. But don't be surprised if he tells you he's too busy.
He's gorgeous, into modeling, and turns red when you talk about sex... I don't want to stereotype but maybe he's not into girls at all. :-p
We don't have any problems except for his ex, part 3
Submitted on Monday, January 14, 2008
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
Heyyyy so this is - "We don't have any problems except for his ex"... PART 3.
Victor, your advice is amazing. So I listened to what you said, and I completely stopped bringing up the ex situation and immediately she was out of the picture. So now my boyfriend and I have a great relationship, good connection, everything. Everything was fine. Until about 4pm today.
I noticed how strange he was acting all day, and when questioned, he said nothing was wrong. Then at 4pm I ask him if he is going to come over, he says I don't know, and then he tells me how there was a conversation with 2 of his friends, him, and my friend in class. Apparently he commented on my friend's relationship, and said it was serious. She asked if his between us is serious, and he said no. He is going to college in the summer and doesn't want to fall in love. My friend asked him if he was just going to waste my time like that, a whole year for nothing, and he said he told me about it (which he did). In the text he said it made him feel guilty, and he doesn't want to hurt me. He randomly told me that we shouldn't be dating because it will only get harder to break up. I got furious, said I will think about us being friends with benefits or friends in general, and hung up. Then I agreed to be friends, and now I feel so weird. After only 3 months, I fell pretty hard. I've never had a real relationship, and I have mixed emotions. I feel sad because he is no longer mine, yet happy for all the experiences to come. I don't know if we will get back together, he says he does care for me just as much as I care for him. I don't think I love him, but he is the closest to love I've had.
So my question is, what is going on in his mind? Not literally of course but I just want to know if we might get back together, or if anything will change.
VictorM's answer:
What's on his mind? He's probably seen too many "Girls Gone Wild" videos and wants to be free to meet some of those wild girls in college without having to deal with the guilt of having a girlfriend.
Consider yourself lucky in this respect: most guys would string you along; this guy had the courage and decency to tell you.
I don't think it's likely that you'll get back together. It's rare when guys are this honest, even rarer for them to go back on their feelings after being so direct. He's given this a lot of thought. He's made up his mind, he's moving forward, and the coast his clear for him to enjoy college life with looking back. Time for you to do likewise.
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
Heyyyy so this is - "We don't have any problems except for his ex"... PART 3.
Victor, your advice is amazing. So I listened to what you said, and I completely stopped bringing up the ex situation and immediately she was out of the picture. So now my boyfriend and I have a great relationship, good connection, everything. Everything was fine. Until about 4pm today.
I noticed how strange he was acting all day, and when questioned, he said nothing was wrong. Then at 4pm I ask him if he is going to come over, he says I don't know, and then he tells me how there was a conversation with 2 of his friends, him, and my friend in class. Apparently he commented on my friend's relationship, and said it was serious. She asked if his between us is serious, and he said no. He is going to college in the summer and doesn't want to fall in love. My friend asked him if he was just going to waste my time like that, a whole year for nothing, and he said he told me about it (which he did). In the text he said it made him feel guilty, and he doesn't want to hurt me. He randomly told me that we shouldn't be dating because it will only get harder to break up. I got furious, said I will think about us being friends with benefits or friends in general, and hung up. Then I agreed to be friends, and now I feel so weird. After only 3 months, I fell pretty hard. I've never had a real relationship, and I have mixed emotions. I feel sad because he is no longer mine, yet happy for all the experiences to come. I don't know if we will get back together, he says he does care for me just as much as I care for him. I don't think I love him, but he is the closest to love I've had.
So my question is, what is going on in his mind? Not literally of course but I just want to know if we might get back together, or if anything will change.
VictorM's answer:
What's on his mind? He's probably seen too many "Girls Gone Wild" videos and wants to be free to meet some of those wild girls in college without having to deal with the guilt of having a girlfriend.
Consider yourself lucky in this respect: most guys would string you along; this guy had the courage and decency to tell you.
I don't think it's likely that you'll get back together. It's rare when guys are this honest, even rarer for them to go back on their feelings after being so direct. He's given this a lot of thought. He's made up his mind, he's moving forward, and the coast his clear for him to enjoy college life with looking back. Time for you to do likewise.
He's been acting strange
Submitted on Sunday, January 13, 2008
By Katie, 18, from pittsburgh:
My boyfriend and me have been together for 3 months and since around Christmas he's been acting strange. He seems distant and doesn't call me baby as much anymore. He always wants to go to the gym and has cancelled plans a couple times for plans he "forgot about". We still go out to dinner and what-not but it isn't the same as in the beginning, he even cooked me a steak dinner on new years eve. Tonight I confronted him to see if he was losing feelings or whatever and he said it's not me, "it's just him" and he'll talk to me about it. I don't know..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like the magic is dying and he's not into you anymore.
By Katie, 18, from pittsburgh:
My boyfriend and me have been together for 3 months and since around Christmas he's been acting strange. He seems distant and doesn't call me baby as much anymore. He always wants to go to the gym and has cancelled plans a couple times for plans he "forgot about". We still go out to dinner and what-not but it isn't the same as in the beginning, he even cooked me a steak dinner on new years eve. Tonight I confronted him to see if he was losing feelings or whatever and he said it's not me, "it's just him" and he'll talk to me about it. I don't know..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like the magic is dying and he's not into you anymore.
Confidential To Confused, 25, from Brooklyn
You're going thought too many hoops to find hope with this guy, makes excuses for this, and finding explanations for that. But come on, when a guy gives you so many excuses, he's trying to tell you, without saying the words, that he's not into you.
What I have written on another answer recently applies to you:
See, guys are trained from childhood to not be mean to girls, to not make them cry, therefore, most guys avoid telling a girl something that they think will make the girl cry. So, instead of telling you he's not interested in a relationship with you, he reverts to excuses: he has serious problems, has massive amount of work, blah blah blah... a ton of excuses -- some real, some not -- to avoid telling you he's not into you. Your female brain sees him as having to remove obstacles first to be with you but he's making up those obstacles hoping that you dump him so he doesn't have to dump you.
You're wasting your time.
What I have written on another answer recently applies to you:
See, guys are trained from childhood to not be mean to girls, to not make them cry, therefore, most guys avoid telling a girl something that they think will make the girl cry. So, instead of telling you he's not interested in a relationship with you, he reverts to excuses: he has serious problems, has massive amount of work, blah blah blah... a ton of excuses -- some real, some not -- to avoid telling you he's not into you. Your female brain sees him as having to remove obstacles first to be with you but he's making up those obstacles hoping that you dump him so he doesn't have to dump you.
You're wasting your time.
Monday, January 14, 2008
IP addresses are my friends
When you submit a question, your IP address and other information, are automatically appended. This means that I can pretty much tell when multiple questions come from the same person, or at least from the same connection.
I have no problems with the same person submitting multiple questions using different names, locations, and ages -- anything that makes your identity private is fine with me -- but I just wanted you to know that I know.
I have no problems with the same person submitting multiple questions using different names, locations, and ages -- anything that makes your identity private is fine with me -- but I just wanted you to know that I know.
Stephanie squared
Submitted on Saturday, January 12, 2008
By Stephanie, 24, from Indiana:
OKay, here goes.
There is a man at work. He is very attractive, but is also kind of a big dork - which is okay. I really like him, and would really like to get to know him better. We had lunch a couple months ago and it went really well. We get along very well and talk a few times a week, at work. Our conversations at work are not work related, but we dont have contact outside of work. He runs two departments in our agency so he is a very busy man and doesn't usually get to take a lunch. I have asked him to lunch a few times and he has been to busy. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should take that as a hint and I start to try to forget about him. But then we will talk again and he will seem really into me - he tells me all about remodeling his house and his family and compliments me - but never makes a move. I am so confused. I am tempted to ask him to dinner or something after work, but really dont want to be the girl who is not taking a hint, you know? Like I said, he is a big dork and seems kind of awkward even though he is gorgeous - some one just said the word 'sex' and he turned three shades of red - maybe he is really shy? Or do you think the fact that we work together could be a problem? (He is NOT my boss) Or maybe I am just stupid and he is not interested.
By Stephanie, 24, from Indiana:
OKay, here goes.
There is a man at work. He is very attractive, but is also kind of a big dork - which is okay. I really like him, and would really like to get to know him better. We had lunch a couple months ago and it went really well. We get along very well and talk a few times a week, at work. Our conversations at work are not work related, but we dont have contact outside of work. He runs two departments in our agency so he is a very busy man and doesn't usually get to take a lunch. I have asked him to lunch a few times and he has been to busy. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should take that as a hint and I start to try to forget about him. But then we will talk again and he will seem really into me - he tells me all about remodeling his house and his family and compliments me - but never makes a move. I am so confused. I am tempted to ask him to dinner or something after work, but really dont want to be the girl who is not taking a hint, you know? Like I said, he is a big dork and seems kind of awkward even though he is gorgeous - some one just said the word 'sex' and he turned three shades of red - maybe he is really shy? Or do you think the fact that we work together could be a problem? (He is NOT my boss) Or maybe I am just stupid and he is not interested.
Submitted on Sunday, January 13, 2008
By Stephanie, 24, from Indiana:
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We have lived to together for 4. I started seeing him my senir year of high school. We now have a 3 year old son. He has not worked in almost 3 years either. I am struggling to pay our bills and take care of all of our family and it doesn't seem to effect him. Not to mention he has a bad temper and has been abusive in the past and also has a drug problem that he usually make me pay for by taking money out of my account or will lie to his family saying "we need money for a bill". I know all of this makes me look stupid for being here this long, and I know I am. I was so sure when this started that we would be together forever and it has been hard to admit I was wrong and I have tried so hard to make him snap out of this so we could all be happy, but I have accepted that is not going to happen. Okay, so I know this is not going to work and I want to move on with me life and meet some one who will make me happy - problem?? I dont know how to make him leave. He doesn't work, so obviously he can't afford to move out. We rent our house from my grandparents, so I can't just leave him here. I am a little affraid of just confronting him, I know he is not the most stable person mentally. He knows I am not happy and I have told him before that I dont want to be with him, that he needs to leave - to which he says "make me".
VictorM's advice:
I posted both questions together because unless you're making stuff up, it's likely that the coworker would not make a pass at a girl who lives with the father of her child.
About your current guy... go see a lawyer. If you want to get rid of him you can but you have to do it legally. Leave emotion out of this and seek the advice of a lawyer.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We have lived to together for 4. I started seeing him my senir year of high school. We now have a 3 year old son. He has not worked in almost 3 years either. I am struggling to pay our bills and take care of all of our family and it doesn't seem to effect him. Not to mention he has a bad temper and has been abusive in the past and also has a drug problem that he usually make me pay for by taking money out of my account or will lie to his family saying "we need money for a bill". I know all of this makes me look stupid for being here this long, and I know I am. I was so sure when this started that we would be together forever and it has been hard to admit I was wrong and I have tried so hard to make him snap out of this so we could all be happy, but I have accepted that is not going to happen. Okay, so I know this is not going to work and I want to move on with me life and meet some one who will make me happy - problem?? I dont know how to make him leave. He doesn't work, so obviously he can't afford to move out. We rent our house from my grandparents, so I can't just leave him here. I am a little affraid of just confronting him, I know he is not the most stable person mentally. He knows I am not happy and I have told him before that I dont want to be with him, that he needs to leave - to which he says "make me".
VictorM's advice:
I posted both questions together because unless you're making stuff up, it's likely that the coworker would not make a pass at a girl who lives with the father of her child.
About your current guy... go see a lawyer. If you want to get rid of him you can but you have to do it legally. Leave emotion out of this and seek the advice of a lawyer.
Then I'd be lying
Submitted on Saturday, January 12, 2008
By MNM, 18:
There's this guy who claims that he likes me and he wants no one but me. And I can't say that I have no feelings for him, because then I'd be lying. We hang out on occassions since we go to the same school. He talks to me on the phone nearly all night. Apparently, we're pretty close and I told him that I have some mixed feelings about him and doubt that he likes me as much as he say he does. He told me that he doesn't blame me, but then reassures me again by saying "I really do like you though, I swear on my life." The problem is, he's always flirting with other girls. We're not exclusive or anything, but still I feel a twinge of jealousy. It's not the kind of flirting that's just friendly either. I wanna ask him why he does that, but my pride gets the better of me. How do I know if he's really being honest with his feelings?
VictorM's answer:
He talks to you on the phone all night? Damn, he likes you! What do you want him to do, sign an affidavit? Come on, he's telling you he likes you. Take it at face value.
He doesn't have a girlfriend, so why shouldn't he flirt? Flirting is fun and is good for the ego.
By MNM, 18:
There's this guy who claims that he likes me and he wants no one but me. And I can't say that I have no feelings for him, because then I'd be lying. We hang out on occassions since we go to the same school. He talks to me on the phone nearly all night. Apparently, we're pretty close and I told him that I have some mixed feelings about him and doubt that he likes me as much as he say he does. He told me that he doesn't blame me, but then reassures me again by saying "I really do like you though, I swear on my life." The problem is, he's always flirting with other girls. We're not exclusive or anything, but still I feel a twinge of jealousy. It's not the kind of flirting that's just friendly either. I wanna ask him why he does that, but my pride gets the better of me. How do I know if he's really being honest with his feelings?
VictorM's answer:
He talks to you on the phone all night? Damn, he likes you! What do you want him to do, sign an affidavit? Come on, he's telling you he likes you. Take it at face value.
He doesn't have a girlfriend, so why shouldn't he flirt? Flirting is fun and is good for the ego.
We were super tight
Submitted on Saturday, January 12, 2008
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
Hey VictorM!
Long time no see! How've you been? I have (another) question about my bff guy/crush. So, we were super tight, but it was pretty distinctly "just friends" until we had this weird falling out before Christmas break, where we barely spoke at all or anything (he kind of avoided me), and then over break we spoke a little online. The week we came back to school (last week) was ok, pretty normal and stuff. We were talking again...And then this week, especially as it got later into the week, he turned all flirty on me! He sat with me and my friends at lunch on Tuesday (he's never done that before), and then Friday was VERY confusing. He couldn't stop talking to me, first of all. Whenever he spotted me in the hall he'd flag me down with a smile and something to say. In science class he was hovering all during class and even came to sit with me and my friends at the end of class. It was just...really bizarre. I want to see how this coming week goes, but seriously, what's his deal?
VictorM's advice:
Did your boobs grow one size larger during Christmas break? Well, that would be my first guess.
Come on, he's a teenage boy. His hormones are like a pinball, bouncing all over the place and affecting his mood. Teen age boys have the mental stability of Lindsay Lohan. Does that answer your question?
By Kate, 14, from Boston:
Hey VictorM!
Long time no see! How've you been? I have (another) question about my bff guy/crush. So, we were super tight, but it was pretty distinctly "just friends" until we had this weird falling out before Christmas break, where we barely spoke at all or anything (he kind of avoided me), and then over break we spoke a little online. The week we came back to school (last week) was ok, pretty normal and stuff. We were talking again...And then this week, especially as it got later into the week, he turned all flirty on me! He sat with me and my friends at lunch on Tuesday (he's never done that before), and then Friday was VERY confusing. He couldn't stop talking to me, first of all. Whenever he spotted me in the hall he'd flag me down with a smile and something to say. In science class he was hovering all during class and even came to sit with me and my friends at the end of class. It was just...really bizarre. I want to see how this coming week goes, but seriously, what's his deal?
VictorM's advice:
Did your boobs grow one size larger during Christmas break? Well, that would be my first guess.
Come on, he's a teenage boy. His hormones are like a pinball, bouncing all over the place and affecting his mood. Teen age boys have the mental stability of Lindsay Lohan. Does that answer your question?
I really like my new boyfriend. The only problem is...
Submitted on Saturday, January 12, 2008
By Jessie, 13, from Canada:
I really like my new boyfriend. He's great: sweet, romantic, just everything I want. The only problem is, I really don't like one of his best friends, who happens to be a girl. Before my boyfriend and I started dating, we were good friends, and she was totally okay with letting me know how much she doesn't like me. She tried everything to keep my boyfriend and me apart, but we still ended up together. How can I deal with her?
VictorM's advice:
When you walk by her holding your boyfriend's hand, stick out your tongue at her.
OK, maybe not.
Don't focus your energy on her; focus it on him. If you two are happy with each other, she takes a back seat.
Be nice to her. She is his best friend and you should treat her with respect, specially when he's around (behind everyone's back you can always get one of those voodoo dolls and stick needles in "her").
By Jessie, 13, from Canada:
I really like my new boyfriend. He's great: sweet, romantic, just everything I want. The only problem is, I really don't like one of his best friends, who happens to be a girl. Before my boyfriend and I started dating, we were good friends, and she was totally okay with letting me know how much she doesn't like me. She tried everything to keep my boyfriend and me apart, but we still ended up together. How can I deal with her?
VictorM's advice:
OK, maybe not.
Don't focus your energy on her; focus it on him. If you two are happy with each other, she takes a back seat.
Be nice to her. She is his best friend and you should treat her with respect, specially when he's around (behind everyone's back you can always get one of those voodoo dolls and stick needles in "her").
I am currently going through a bit of a transformation
Submitted on Saturday, January 12, 2008
By Carol, 30, from London:
First fear now confusion.
So I'm back to update you on the situation. Having had three dates canceled with unconvincing excuses I decided to tell my love interest that the cycle was unacceptable and I wouldn't be happy to continue accepting it. This was followed by a bit of distance, I then reestablished contact and sent reassuring messages expressing my feelings for him. I've also made it clear repeatedly that he should just tell me if he wants me to move on as without any indication from him I'm in it for the long haul. Over Christmas I gave him a present which he was very happy about. He asked to see me and told me all the reasons why he'd been holding back. He told me all about varies quite serious problems he was having and waited to see how I reacted. He left me to make all the moves and didn't reject my advances.
When he left he gave me a huge hug and told me he was working really long hours and he couldn't say when he would see me again due to this.
After this meeting I was very happy. It was all clear to me and I decided to stick with him for various reasons. Over the coming weeks I continued to send him love notes and received only one reply on New Years. In the last couple of days I've discovered by accident the full extent of his situation and I'm gutted, it just makes being together very difficult at the moment. I told him that I know about it in a calm and compassionate way. Although the fact that he has not been very forthcoming with communication and blows hot and cold has just about tried my patience.
After weeks of saintly patience I told him I that I know I'm amazing and that the way he's behaving is selfish and inconsiderate and that I'm worth more than this, which he well knows.
I am currently going through a bit of a transformation in that I am accepting my fear of abandonment which is deep rooted and accompanies a desperate desire for approval leading me to allow people to get away with murder in relationships. I've decided enough is enough and I will not allow this to take place in my life anymore.
Now my question is from your feeling since I have asserted myself would you say this guy will get back in touch with me shortly? I am willing to take him back so long as the cycle changes which of course means my input must also change and I must assert my needs more. Thanks Victor
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think he'll come back. Or he might, but the behavior won't chance.
In guy talk, he has been as clear as day with you that he's not interested in a relationship, but once that information passes through your female brain, it gets altered and you see hope. And your love confession, statement that you're in it for the long haul, and gift giving are more reasons for him to run away from you, not as you expect, bring him closer.
See, guys are trained from childhood to not be mean to girls, to not make them cry, therefore, most guys avoid telling a girl something that they think will make the girl cry. So, instead of telling you he's not interested in a relationship with you, he reverts to excuses: he has serious problems, has massive amount of work, blah blah blah... a ton of excuses -- some real, some not -- to avoid telling you he's not into you. Your female brain sees him as having to remove obstacles first to be with you but he's making up those obstacles hoping that you dump him so he doesn't have to dump you.
Since he's not into you but you come across as seeking a serious relationship, he'll stay away even more. You can wait all you want, but the nicer and more attentive you are with him, the more "problems" he'll come up as to why he can't see you.
But this is not about whether you are amazing or not; this is about MATCHING. It's not a score card on you, it's how each feels about the other. The chemistry that needs to exist between two people just isn't there from his side. But don't expect him to tell you that.
By Carol, 30, from London:
First fear now confusion.
So I'm back to update you on the situation. Having had three dates canceled with unconvincing excuses I decided to tell my love interest that the cycle was unacceptable and I wouldn't be happy to continue accepting it. This was followed by a bit of distance, I then reestablished contact and sent reassuring messages expressing my feelings for him. I've also made it clear repeatedly that he should just tell me if he wants me to move on as without any indication from him I'm in it for the long haul. Over Christmas I gave him a present which he was very happy about. He asked to see me and told me all the reasons why he'd been holding back. He told me all about varies quite serious problems he was having and waited to see how I reacted. He left me to make all the moves and didn't reject my advances.
When he left he gave me a huge hug and told me he was working really long hours and he couldn't say when he would see me again due to this.
After this meeting I was very happy. It was all clear to me and I decided to stick with him for various reasons. Over the coming weeks I continued to send him love notes and received only one reply on New Years. In the last couple of days I've discovered by accident the full extent of his situation and I'm gutted, it just makes being together very difficult at the moment. I told him that I know about it in a calm and compassionate way. Although the fact that he has not been very forthcoming with communication and blows hot and cold has just about tried my patience.
After weeks of saintly patience I told him I that I know I'm amazing and that the way he's behaving is selfish and inconsiderate and that I'm worth more than this, which he well knows.
I am currently going through a bit of a transformation in that I am accepting my fear of abandonment which is deep rooted and accompanies a desperate desire for approval leading me to allow people to get away with murder in relationships. I've decided enough is enough and I will not allow this to take place in my life anymore.
Now my question is from your feeling since I have asserted myself would you say this guy will get back in touch with me shortly? I am willing to take him back so long as the cycle changes which of course means my input must also change and I must assert my needs more. Thanks Victor
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think he'll come back. Or he might, but the behavior won't chance.
In guy talk, he has been as clear as day with you that he's not interested in a relationship, but once that information passes through your female brain, it gets altered and you see hope. And your love confession, statement that you're in it for the long haul, and gift giving are more reasons for him to run away from you, not as you expect, bring him closer.
See, guys are trained from childhood to not be mean to girls, to not make them cry, therefore, most guys avoid telling a girl something that they think will make the girl cry. So, instead of telling you he's not interested in a relationship with you, he reverts to excuses: he has serious problems, has massive amount of work, blah blah blah... a ton of excuses -- some real, some not -- to avoid telling you he's not into you. Your female brain sees him as having to remove obstacles first to be with you but he's making up those obstacles hoping that you dump him so he doesn't have to dump you.
Since he's not into you but you come across as seeking a serious relationship, he'll stay away even more. You can wait all you want, but the nicer and more attentive you are with him, the more "problems" he'll come up as to why he can't see you.
But this is not about whether you are amazing or not; this is about MATCHING. It's not a score card on you, it's how each feels about the other. The chemistry that needs to exist between two people just isn't there from his side. But don't expect him to tell you that.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tough but not that tough
Submitted on Saturday, January 12, 2008
By leelee, 16, from tn:
I have a boyfriend who is tough but not that tough. When we were outside for lunch, these guys started shoving him around and messing with him. I would have done something except 2 reasons:
1. I was in trouble and couldn't get up
2. I didn't want to embarss him by sticking up for him
I AM REALLY PISSED AND DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO CONTROL MYSELF!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by #1, but your decision based on #2 was very wise. You would have embarrassed him if you acted to defend him.
Don't meddle in situations like this. Your boyfriend has a betters sense of what it takes to survive in a guy world than you do. Guys are notorious for being physically harsh with each other and still manage to be friends after.
So stop pounding that keyboard and let your boyfriend handle himself.
By leelee, 16, from tn:
I have a boyfriend who is tough but not that tough. When we were outside for lunch, these guys started shoving him around and messing with him. I would have done something except 2 reasons:
1. I was in trouble and couldn't get up
2. I didn't want to embarss him by sticking up for him
I AM REALLY PISSED AND DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO CONTROL MYSELF!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by #1, but your decision based on #2 was very wise. You would have embarrassed him if you acted to defend him.
Don't meddle in situations like this. Your boyfriend has a betters sense of what it takes to survive in a guy world than you do. Guys are notorious for being physically harsh with each other and still manage to be friends after.
So stop pounding that keyboard and let your boyfriend handle himself.
Our parents don't agree with our marriage
Submitted on Friday, January 11, 2008
By Emma, 26:
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. He is younger than me (5 years), we really love each other but our parents don't agree with our marriage. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Listen to their reasons carefully and without argument. Probe them deeper for their reasons because people seldom tell you their exact reasons at first. For example, if they are telling you it's because of the age difference, say: "So, if it weren't for the age difference, you'd be OK with the marriage?" You continue probing by framing the question the same way over and over until they tell you it would be OK. Then you'll have a better idea of their real reasons.
Evaluate carefully the reasons they tell you. If, for example, the age difference is the problem and the only problem, and if you still disagree with them, marry him even if your parents don't approve. If, however it turns out that they have issues that merit further analysis, give yourself the time to think through them.
Can you do this without feeling that you have to rebut each and ever of their reasons? If you can, you will learn a lot; if you can't, it's a waste of time.
Be forewarned... more often than not parents are good judges of character so don't dismiss their opinions too easily. If your parents are good people they will accept you regardless of what decision you make. If they don't accept you, they aren't such nice people, so why worry too much about what they say?
By Emma, 26:
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. He is younger than me (5 years), we really love each other but our parents don't agree with our marriage. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Listen to their reasons carefully and without argument. Probe them deeper for their reasons because people seldom tell you their exact reasons at first. For example, if they are telling you it's because of the age difference, say: "So, if it weren't for the age difference, you'd be OK with the marriage?" You continue probing by framing the question the same way over and over until they tell you it would be OK. Then you'll have a better idea of their real reasons.
Evaluate carefully the reasons they tell you. If, for example, the age difference is the problem and the only problem, and if you still disagree with them, marry him even if your parents don't approve. If, however it turns out that they have issues that merit further analysis, give yourself the time to think through them.
Can you do this without feeling that you have to rebut each and ever of their reasons? If you can, you will learn a lot; if you can't, it's a waste of time.
Be forewarned... more often than not parents are good judges of character so don't dismiss their opinions too easily. If your parents are good people they will accept you regardless of what decision you make. If they don't accept you, they aren't such nice people, so why worry too much about what they say?
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I had an abusive ex boyfriend
Submitted on Friday, January 11, 2008
By ashley, 19, from collingslakes:
I had an abusive ex boyfriend . We were together for 2 years, we got engaged last February. I broke up with him because I couldn't deal with it anymore. He called my father asking for forgiveness. I talked to him and he said he was a changed man and he was very sorry. I now have a new boyfriend but I still have feelings for my ex. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Focus on his abusiveness and the reasons you broke up with him. Almost all guys who are abusive swear they'll never do it again, just like your ex is saying, but they always do! He believes he's changed, but that's not so. He has a trigger point, and sooner or later, it's going to click.
Is it possible for someone like him to change? Yes, after many years of therapy or some major life altering situation, but even then... it's not easy. His abusiveness comes from something deep within him; it's not just a matter of finding a switch and turning it off. He can't just will himself to stop it, as he's claiming now. Really, if it was that easy, would we have the kind of domestic violence and abuse we see reported? Would be be that way to the point you broke-off the engagement? If anything, guys like him get progressively worse as the relationship wears on. They usually get remorseful and apologetic right after each occurrence, and treat you really well... until, of course, it happens again. It's a never-ending pattern.
He's not lying; he's just ignorant about his own condition. Stay clear of him!
By ashley, 19, from collingslakes:
I had an abusive ex boyfriend . We were together for 2 years, we got engaged last February. I broke up with him because I couldn't deal with it anymore. He called my father asking for forgiveness. I talked to him and he said he was a changed man and he was very sorry. I now have a new boyfriend but I still have feelings for my ex. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Focus on his abusiveness and the reasons you broke up with him. Almost all guys who are abusive swear they'll never do it again, just like your ex is saying, but they always do! He believes he's changed, but that's not so. He has a trigger point, and sooner or later, it's going to click.
Is it possible for someone like him to change? Yes, after many years of therapy or some major life altering situation, but even then... it's not easy. His abusiveness comes from something deep within him; it's not just a matter of finding a switch and turning it off. He can't just will himself to stop it, as he's claiming now. Really, if it was that easy, would we have the kind of domestic violence and abuse we see reported? Would be be that way to the point you broke-off the engagement? If anything, guys like him get progressively worse as the relationship wears on. They usually get remorseful and apologetic right after each occurrence, and treat you really well... until, of course, it happens again. It's a never-ending pattern.
He's not lying; he's just ignorant about his own condition. Stay clear of him!
Friday, January 11, 2008
My husband cheated on me
Submitted on Friday, January 11, 2008
By vicky, 50,from wisconsin:
My husband cheated on me and then we got back together but he will not stop flirting and now he finds reason to come home late one afternoon and a few days later he tries it again when I start asking questions he comes home on time but has perfume on shirt and said a guy put it on him as a joke at work. I want to believe him but I cannot. He will not leave and gets mean when I try to make him and says I am crazy same as last time when I confronted him before he got caught. What can I do? I am at the end of my rope.
VictorM's advice:
First things first. He is a cheater; probably will be until his dick falls off or he turns into dirt.
Second, you suspect he cheats and you will always suspect it, whether he does or not. It doesn't matter; marriage is not a court of law. You don't require proof that he's cheating. If you suspect, then the trust isn't there.
Third, you are 50. You are not getting any younger. Life is precious, more so as you get older. Why on earth spend so much of your energy and mental health on where he gets his dick wet? Either shut-up about it and stop looking for signs or dump him like you did once and stop with the drama. Come on, Vicky, you could end it if you really wanted to, he doesn't really have a choice.
But no... you want to keep him and you want him to respect you and stop the cheating. Right? Let me ask you, except for this cheating thing, is your life with him that good? Or is it just safe?
Bottom line: he's not going to stop cheating or at least try to cheat. Either accept his behavior and ignore the signs or end it once and for all. There's no "in the middle" and no need for proof.
The questions is, Are you as unable to pick a choice and stick to it as he is unable to stop the cheating? If so, well, you're a match made inhell Wisconsin.
By vicky, 50,from wisconsin:
My husband cheated on me and then we got back together but he will not stop flirting and now he finds reason to come home late one afternoon and a few days later he tries it again when I start asking questions he comes home on time but has perfume on shirt and said a guy put it on him as a joke at work. I want to believe him but I cannot. He will not leave and gets mean when I try to make him and says I am crazy same as last time when I confronted him before he got caught. What can I do? I am at the end of my rope.
VictorM's advice:
First things first. He is a cheater; probably will be until his dick falls off or he turns into dirt.
Second, you suspect he cheats and you will always suspect it, whether he does or not. It doesn't matter; marriage is not a court of law. You don't require proof that he's cheating. If you suspect, then the trust isn't there.
Third, you are 50. You are not getting any younger. Life is precious, more so as you get older. Why on earth spend so much of your energy and mental health on where he gets his dick wet? Either shut-up about it and stop looking for signs or dump him like you did once and stop with the drama. Come on, Vicky, you could end it if you really wanted to, he doesn't really have a choice.
But no... you want to keep him and you want him to respect you and stop the cheating. Right? Let me ask you, except for this cheating thing, is your life with him that good? Or is it just safe?
Bottom line: he's not going to stop cheating or at least try to cheat. Either accept his behavior and ignore the signs or end it once and for all. There's no "in the middle" and no need for proof.
The questions is, Are you as unable to pick a choice and stick to it as he is unable to stop the cheating? If so, well, you're a match made in
My exboyfriend is in a federal jail and does not get out until 2015
Submitted on Thursday, January 10, 2008
By alicia, 33, from chicago heights Il, 60411:
I am back with my exboyfriend and he is in a federal jail and does not get out until 2015 but he wants to get married to me. I do love him. I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
PARTY!!! The big cat is away, the little pussy should play... until 2015!
OK, OK...
He wants to get married now or after 2015? Wasn't clear to me.
What in the world brought you back to this guy? I don't want to prejudge anyone, but he's not in federal prison for helping little ladies across the street, I'm sure. He could be like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption (a great movie!), that is, in prison for a crime he didn't commit, but I doubt it.
But anyway... I mean, what can I say? Do you love the guy? You don't sound so convinced. Are you afraid of him? Who knows, maybe you are. If you stay with this guy, what will your life be until 2015? And what about after he's out?
Something told you to break up him before, and something told you to get back together... follow the something that made the most sense.
By alicia, 33, from chicago heights Il, 60411:
I am back with my exboyfriend and he is in a federal jail and does not get out until 2015 but he wants to get married to me. I do love him. I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
PARTY!!! The big cat is away, the little pussy should play... until 2015!
OK, OK...
He wants to get married now or after 2015? Wasn't clear to me.
What in the world brought you back to this guy? I don't want to prejudge anyone, but he's not in federal prison for helping little ladies across the street, I'm sure. He could be like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption (a great movie!), that is, in prison for a crime he didn't commit, but I doubt it.
But anyway... I mean, what can I say? Do you love the guy? You don't sound so convinced. Are you afraid of him? Who knows, maybe you are. If you stay with this guy, what will your life be until 2015? And what about after he's out?
Something told you to break up him before, and something told you to get back together... follow the something that made the most sense.
Confused by his vacillating position on marriage
Submitted on Thursday, January 10, 2008
By Teresa, 31, from New York:
Hello, Victor. I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 3 ½ months. We met on an online dating service, so had a sense of what the other person was really looking for in terms of commitment from the word 'go'.
Although it's very early in the relationship, there have been occasions when he's used phrases such as "Well, if we ever get married..."; "If we ever move in together...", and even asked me point blank one night: "If we get married, and have a daughter, what would you want to name her?"
One evening we watched a film together, and the music accompanying the closing credits was silly and crazy, and he quipped, "If we get married, we should play this at our wedding!" (joking, of course). Later that night, we were laying in bed, and he asked me (as he often does), "What are you thinking about?" I was honest and told him that I was thinking about his comment, and that, although the idea of getting married has some appeal, that it was too early in the relationship to think about it too seriously. He said, "Well, you notice I always preface it with 'if'." So I asked, "Why don't you ever say 'when'?" And he said, "Because I don't know if that's what I really want yet."
I'm becoming confused by his vacillating position on marriage. Do you think he's claiming to be undecided because he really is or only because I told him it was too soon to talk about it? Do you think he's using the word 'if' because he's feeling me out?
Thanks for your insight.
VictorM's advice:
I see no vacillation. His explanation makes perfect sense to me. "If reflects a possibility, "when" reflects probability.
Read nothing into it other than this one man's technique for asking questions about you that relate to you both as a couple. If/when that ever happens.
By Teresa, 31, from New York:
Hello, Victor. I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 3 ½ months. We met on an online dating service, so had a sense of what the other person was really looking for in terms of commitment from the word 'go'.
Although it's very early in the relationship, there have been occasions when he's used phrases such as "Well, if we ever get married..."; "If we ever move in together...", and even asked me point blank one night: "If we get married, and have a daughter, what would you want to name her?"
One evening we watched a film together, and the music accompanying the closing credits was silly and crazy, and he quipped, "If we get married, we should play this at our wedding!" (joking, of course). Later that night, we were laying in bed, and he asked me (as he often does), "What are you thinking about?" I was honest and told him that I was thinking about his comment, and that, although the idea of getting married has some appeal, that it was too early in the relationship to think about it too seriously. He said, "Well, you notice I always preface it with 'if'." So I asked, "Why don't you ever say 'when'?" And he said, "Because I don't know if that's what I really want yet."
I'm becoming confused by his vacillating position on marriage. Do you think he's claiming to be undecided because he really is or only because I told him it was too soon to talk about it? Do you think he's using the word 'if' because he's feeling me out?
Thanks for your insight.
VictorM's advice:
I see no vacillation. His explanation makes perfect sense to me. "If reflects a possibility, "when" reflects probability.
Read nothing into it other than this one man's technique for asking questions about you that relate to you both as a couple. If/when that ever happens.
Thanks Shannon
Shannon,
Thanks so much for your kind words and for spreading the word about the site. I appreciate it very much.
Thanks so much for your kind words and for spreading the word about the site. I appreciate it very much.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
He never bought me even one gift in the past
Submitted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008
By Jnny, 33:
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend now over a year. Last night, he told me that he bought a n expensive video game and a huge computer monitor for his son. His son was very happy. I felt so jealous about it. And I am upset at him without telling him the reason. I am sad because he never bought me even one gift in the past (he was poor). Now he has money, he only buy gifts to himself and his son. He makes me feel I am just not a outsider but he says he will plan to marry me in the future. Am I right or wrong?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, how old is the son? Maybe you can marry him instead. He gets all the cool stuff. :)
Seriously, I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong. You feel hurt. I can understand that. Over one year and not a single gift? Sounds like he needs some lessons on how to treat a woman.
The wrong way to approach this is to get mad. First, he may have no idea why you're mad, and second, you really don't want him to give you something only when you annoy him. Instead, tell him things like it's so thoughtful of him to think of his son, how nice it is to be be thought of and... oh, let me ask you, what have you given him?
Anyway, if he isn't thoughtful with you now I don't see how getting married would change that. We're not talking about just gifts here; we're talking about the kind of attention he gives you, or doesn't. Ignore these signs at your own risk.
By Jnny, 33:
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend now over a year. Last night, he told me that he bought a n expensive video game and a huge computer monitor for his son. His son was very happy. I felt so jealous about it. And I am upset at him without telling him the reason. I am sad because he never bought me even one gift in the past (he was poor). Now he has money, he only buy gifts to himself and his son. He makes me feel I am just not a outsider but he says he will plan to marry me in the future. Am I right or wrong?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, how old is the son? Maybe you can marry him instead. He gets all the cool stuff. :)
Seriously, I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong. You feel hurt. I can understand that. Over one year and not a single gift? Sounds like he needs some lessons on how to treat a woman.
The wrong way to approach this is to get mad. First, he may have no idea why you're mad, and second, you really don't want him to give you something only when you annoy him. Instead, tell him things like it's so thoughtful of him to think of his son, how nice it is to be be thought of and... oh, let me ask you, what have you given him?
Anyway, if he isn't thoughtful with you now I don't see how getting married would change that. We're not talking about just gifts here; we're talking about the kind of attention he gives you, or doesn't. Ignore these signs at your own risk.
It's the blowjob girl again
Submitted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Hey, it's the blowjob girl again. :)
I think I may still be in the game. I told him straight up that I don't do that type of thing on first dates. In fact, I can count on one hand how many guys I've given a blow to (didn't tell him that). I was honest, straightforward, and asked what exactly he was looking for. He said "a friend" or "a relationship." He asked and I told him what I'm looking for (an honest man that doesn't play games).
After that, we continued to converse on more lighter topics (favorites, books, music, etc.) And he messaged me today, though I have not read what he sent me. I'm keeping myself a little distanced for a bit, just to cool the whole thing off.
Now, my question is this: what now? Should I treat him as a friend? Should I treat him as an interest? Should we continue to see each other and do I go any further physically? Or should I hold off on that stuff and for how long?
Also, do I have the upper-hand just for the simple fact that I gave him a great blowjob? HAHAHA, just kidding. Sorta. But I do have to add that he said I was "something else."
Thanks in advance. :)
VictorM's advice:
Well... if it was that good AND you swallowed, you should get a ticker-tape parade down Collins Ave. :)
Griz, don't think too much about it. You like him, he obviously likes you, so just go with the flow. It is always wisest to make the guy work for your attention, but don't go overboard either. You need to give him time to get to know you better before you have sex in the car wash with him, but hey, you live in the foreign country of Miami, you can have sex anywhere, anytime, so I hear.
Anyway, you're a bit past the "just friends" stage, don't you think?
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Hey, it's the blowjob girl again. :)
I think I may still be in the game. I told him straight up that I don't do that type of thing on first dates. In fact, I can count on one hand how many guys I've given a blow to (didn't tell him that). I was honest, straightforward, and asked what exactly he was looking for. He said "a friend" or "a relationship." He asked and I told him what I'm looking for (an honest man that doesn't play games).
After that, we continued to converse on more lighter topics (favorites, books, music, etc.) And he messaged me today, though I have not read what he sent me. I'm keeping myself a little distanced for a bit, just to cool the whole thing off.
Now, my question is this: what now? Should I treat him as a friend? Should I treat him as an interest? Should we continue to see each other and do I go any further physically? Or should I hold off on that stuff and for how long?
Also, do I have the upper-hand just for the simple fact that I gave him a great blowjob? HAHAHA, just kidding. Sorta. But I do have to add that he said I was "something else."
Thanks in advance. :)
VictorM's advice:
Well... if it was that good AND you swallowed, you should get a ticker-tape parade down Collins Ave. :)
Griz, don't think too much about it. You like him, he obviously likes you, so just go with the flow. It is always wisest to make the guy work for your attention, but don't go overboard either. You need to give him time to get to know you better before you have sex in the car wash with him, but hey, you live in the foreign country of Miami, you can have sex anywhere, anytime, so I hear.
Anyway, you're a bit past the "just friends" stage, don't you think?
How do you know when you are really in love?
Submitted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008
By Karina, 17:
How do you know when you are really in love? I've had one real relationship, and I feel different about it than all the rest, like better.. but I can't tell. I want to say that I love him, but I dont know if I do.
VictorM's answer:
You'll know it when you're ready to sing to your lover...
*starting the iPod*
There aint no mountain high enough
Aint no valley low enough
Aint no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Silly lyrics, I know.
Anyway, being in love has no definition, no "you've arrived" neon signs. Everyone feels and expresses love in different ways and places different levels of seriousness to those words.
Just don't say "I love you" until you're 100% sure that it comes from your heart and not because you feel the pressure to say it. But when you're ready, say it. Unlike a tattoo, you can always take it back or fall out of love. It happens just as often.
By Karina, 17:
How do you know when you are really in love? I've had one real relationship, and I feel different about it than all the rest, like better.. but I can't tell. I want to say that I love him, but I dont know if I do.
VictorM's answer:
You'll know it when you're ready to sing to your lover...
*starting the iPod*
There aint no mountain high enough
Aint no valley low enough
Aint no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Silly lyrics, I know.
Anyway, being in love has no definition, no "you've arrived" neon signs. Everyone feels and expresses love in different ways and places different levels of seriousness to those words.
Just don't say "I love you" until you're 100% sure that it comes from your heart and not because you feel the pressure to say it. But when you're ready, say it. Unlike a tattoo, you can always take it back or fall out of love. It happens just as often.
I really don't want to ask him out myself
Submitted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008
By sam, 18, from wisconson:
ok, there is this one guy at school who I thinks likes me, and I like him too. We are friends so it's kinda wierd but... he has been doing things like looking at me and looking way when I see that he is looking at me, and sometimes he even talks to me just to talk to me. And in homeroom he said that he liked someone and right after he said it, he look right at me! I really don't want to ask him out myself though, because what if he really doesn't like me? please help me!!!
VictorM's advice:
He's probably not going to ask you out for the same reason you don't ask him.
I understand about you not wanting to ask him out. But you can still do stuff to move things along. For example, tell him that you're going to the mall and if he sees you there to say hello. This way, you have not asked him out but if he's interested he'll show up and then it won't be so awkward if you two talk. If he doesn't show up, not problem, it just means he couldn't make it that night. Another example is to mention a new movie out that you'd like to say but would hate to go alone. See if he volunteers to go with you. Again, you're not at risk of getting rejected because you never asked anything. By the way, say these things when you two are alone or at least away from other people.
The moment he realizes you like to spend time with him he might gain the confidence to ask you out.
By sam, 18, from wisconson:
ok, there is this one guy at school who I thinks likes me, and I like him too. We are friends so it's kinda wierd but... he has been doing things like looking at me and looking way when I see that he is looking at me, and sometimes he even talks to me just to talk to me. And in homeroom he said that he liked someone and right after he said it, he look right at me! I really don't want to ask him out myself though, because what if he really doesn't like me? please help me!!!
VictorM's advice:
He's probably not going to ask you out for the same reason you don't ask him.
I understand about you not wanting to ask him out. But you can still do stuff to move things along. For example, tell him that you're going to the mall and if he sees you there to say hello. This way, you have not asked him out but if he's interested he'll show up and then it won't be so awkward if you two talk. If he doesn't show up, not problem, it just means he couldn't make it that night. Another example is to mention a new movie out that you'd like to say but would hate to go alone. See if he volunteers to go with you. Again, you're not at risk of getting rejected because you never asked anything. By the way, say these things when you two are alone or at least away from other people.
The moment he realizes you like to spend time with him he might gain the confidence to ask you out.
He has never given up anything for anyone else
Submitted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008
By Jenn, 18, from FL:
My boyfriend told me that he has never given up anything for anyone else. Is there anything that I need to worry about?
VictorM's answer:
Did he meant it in a "I've never found anyone worth giving anything for" or "I never have and never will give up anything for anyone"?
If it's the former, there's little to worry about; if it's the latter, there should be nothing to worry about... because you're a smart girl and you're going to dump his ass so fast you won't even remember his name. Seriously. If a guy comes into a relationship with that attitude, you have nothing but hell ahead of you.
By Jenn, 18, from FL:
My boyfriend told me that he has never given up anything for anyone else. Is there anything that I need to worry about?
VictorM's answer:
Did he meant it in a "I've never found anyone worth giving anything for" or "I never have and never will give up anything for anyone"?
If it's the former, there's little to worry about; if it's the latter, there should be nothing to worry about... because you're a smart girl and you're going to dump his ass so fast you won't even remember his name. Seriously. If a guy comes into a relationship with that attitude, you have nothing but hell ahead of you.
We are both in relationships
Submitted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008
By Missy, 28, from PA:
Is he interested? I recently left my email address on the desk of a guy I like, but he hasn't wrote to me yet. I also text messaged him, but he said he didn't know me, but I think he does know me. Should I pursue him anymore or should I wait for him? (We are both in relationships).
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, wait for him. That's the ticket. :-p
What makes you think he would leave his girlfriend for you? Anyway, doesn't sound like he's interested in you. And why should he? You can't exactly be trusted to stick with one relationship.
By Missy, 28, from PA:
Is he interested? I recently left my email address on the desk of a guy I like, but he hasn't wrote to me yet. I also text messaged him, but he said he didn't know me, but I think he does know me. Should I pursue him anymore or should I wait for him? (We are both in relationships).
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, wait for him. That's the ticket. :-p
What makes you think he would leave his girlfriend for you? Anyway, doesn't sound like he's interested in you. And why should he? You can't exactly be trusted to stick with one relationship.
This guy is a very stubborn man
Submitted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008
By Not Important :), 23, from U.S.:
By Not Important :), 23, from U.S.:
If you leave a guy alone when he dumps you, and this guy is a very stubborn man, if he starts to miss you, want you back, etc., will he think you're not interested since you haven't tried to get back with him? Will he just not even try because he thinks you don't want him anymore?
I ask this because of an on-again-off-again relationship I've been in for almost 2 years. I FEEL like we still love each other, but we've never had more than 2 weeks "broken up". I've always gone back to him, almost pathetic at times. So say this time I don't contact him, will he think I'm no longer interested? Or might he do as they say and realize what he lost and try to get a hold of me if he still loves me? No matter how stubborn he is? Put yourself in the mind frame of the most stubborn person you can think of :) What do you think? I respect your advice, so thank you.
VictorM's answer:
If he's as stubborn as you say, unless he feels he was wrong about the break up, he will not come back. If he's used to you chasing him to get back together and now you don't, he won't either.
The above is not advice. If advice is what you want I'd say you live in a dream world when you throw the word "love" around. Your neediness is not love and his stubbornness is not love; you're just two people addicted to drama.
Your constant on-off relationship should be a clue that you're not good for each other. And the type of stubbornness you describe is the stuff that miserable relationships are made of.
At least you recognize that you have been pathetic. Now, if only you could bring yourself to stay away...
I ask this because of an on-again-off-again relationship I've been in for almost 2 years. I FEEL like we still love each other, but we've never had more than 2 weeks "broken up". I've always gone back to him, almost pathetic at times. So say this time I don't contact him, will he think I'm no longer interested? Or might he do as they say and realize what he lost and try to get a hold of me if he still loves me? No matter how stubborn he is? Put yourself in the mind frame of the most stubborn person you can think of :) What do you think? I respect your advice, so thank you.
VictorM's answer:
If he's as stubborn as you say, unless he feels he was wrong about the break up, he will not come back. If he's used to you chasing him to get back together and now you don't, he won't either.
The above is not advice. If advice is what you want I'd say you live in a dream world when you throw the word "love" around. Your neediness is not love and his stubbornness is not love; you're just two people addicted to drama.
Your constant on-off relationship should be a clue that you're not good for each other. And the type of stubbornness you describe is the stuff that miserable relationships are made of.
At least you recognize that you have been pathetic. Now, if only you could bring yourself to stay away...
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
He is telling me to go sleep with someone else
Submitted on Tuesday, January 08, 2008
By shannon, 30, from out in the midwest:
By shannon, 30, from out in the midwest:
Victor, my guy dumped me, but I thought I could get him back by contacting him and now he is telling me to go sleep with someone else. He even goes as far as to say, "go fuck someone else and send me the tape". I have never made a 'tape' with anyone! I don't know why someone would say such a thing?!
Is he jealous that I may go find someeone else? Like he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me? I don't get this. Thank you
VictorM's advice:
My guess is there's something to the reason he dumped you that you're not saying. Did you cheat? Did he think you cheated? Did you talk about having sex with someone else? Something happened.
Forget his actual words because they don't matter (when guys are angry they say things to hurt you, they're not worried about the truth). The guy is pissed at you for some reason, or else, he's a maniac and you're lucky to have gotten rid of him.
But common Shannon... sounds like maybe you were up to some mischief. You corn fed girls can't be trusted. :)
Is he jealous that I may go find someeone else? Like he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me? I don't get this. Thank you
VictorM's advice:
My guess is there's something to the reason he dumped you that you're not saying. Did you cheat? Did he think you cheated? Did you talk about having sex with someone else? Something happened.
Forget his actual words because they don't matter (when guys are angry they say things to hurt you, they're not worried about the truth). The guy is pissed at you for some reason, or else, he's a maniac and you're lucky to have gotten rid of him.
But common Shannon... sounds like maybe you were up to some mischief. You corn fed girls can't be trusted. :)
Confidential To "Victor", 25, from Brooklyn
I think you typed my name by mistake instead of yours.
What he did with his previous relationship takes courage and shows maturity; better to to pull the plug than to make a big mistake.
What you do with guys is a very good thing. You don't waste your time and theirs.
This one guy may be "it" or it may just take you a little longer to realize he's not. Either way, have fun on the way but don't get your hopes too high. Just proceed with caution and don't get too far ahead of yourself. By aware that guys take longer than girls to arrive at the conclusion that you're serious girlfriend material.
What he did with his previous relationship takes courage and shows maturity; better to to pull the plug than to make a big mistake.
What you do with guys is a very good thing. You don't waste your time and theirs.
This one guy may be "it" or it may just take you a little longer to realize he's not. Either way, have fun on the way but don't get your hopes too high. Just proceed with caution and don't get too far ahead of yourself. By aware that guys take longer than girls to arrive at the conclusion that you're serious girlfriend material.
I lied and told him I had a miscarriage
Submitted on Tuesday, January 08, 2008
By Jessica Robinson, 21, from Charleston,sc:
Ok, This guy and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. We have been broken up for about 3 weeks now. This is now the third time he has broken up with me. The 1st time it had something to do with his mother, the 2nd time I when through his phone and called females, and this last time I lied and told him I had a miscarriage (because I was scared that I was pregnant). Now he is saying that he is moving on. He told me he loved me 1st, and he sees me as being more than a girlfriend. When we are together he always treated me like a queen. He said that I argue too much, that I amuse the worse out of him, that I whine, nag, and just too emontional. I'm so confused because his family loves me and treats me well. How can I see if this guy is just playing the break up game again.
VictorM's advice:
Do you think he's the biggest idiot in the world? If the answer is yes, he's just playing a game and will come back; if the answer is no, he's gone.
By Jessica Robinson, 21, from Charleston,sc:
Ok, This guy and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. We have been broken up for about 3 weeks now. This is now the third time he has broken up with me. The 1st time it had something to do with his mother, the 2nd time I when through his phone and called females, and this last time I lied and told him I had a miscarriage (because I was scared that I was pregnant). Now he is saying that he is moving on. He told me he loved me 1st, and he sees me as being more than a girlfriend. When we are together he always treated me like a queen. He said that I argue too much, that I amuse the worse out of him, that I whine, nag, and just too emontional. I'm so confused because his family loves me and treats me well. How can I see if this guy is just playing the break up game again.
VictorM's advice:
Do you think he's the biggest idiot in the world? If the answer is yes, he's just playing a game and will come back; if the answer is no, he's gone.
He’s everything a guy could be in my eyes
Submitted on Tuesday, January 08, 2008
By Katie, 14, from Michigan:
I have this good guy friend. I really, really like him; he’s everything a guy could be in my eyes: great sense of humor/super funny, very easy to talk to, outgoing, loud. We have tons in common and I love being around him; he makes me feel great! Up until the middle of December, I kind of thought he might like me. He invited me to go into the city with just him (although the plans fell through and we ended up doing something else together, but with friends), and he invited me to hang out at his house to meet his family (I did). We talked on the phone all the time, and he teased me endlessly, in a good way. He was so sweet and wonderful and...just perfect. But something changed, and now he acts just like a friend. He’s stopped calling, teasing, asking me to go places. We’re still friends, and we still hang out on occasion, and talk often, but the whole flirty vibe is gone. I don’t think he likes me like that anymore, if he ever did at all. The only problem is, I really want to go out with him, even more than I did in the middle of December! Any suggestions on what I should do?
VictorM's advice:
What could have happened? Lots of things are possible. Maybe his family made fun of him for having a "girlfriend", maybe he sensed you liked him a bit too much, maybe he doesn't think you like him enough, maybe he's just trying to catch your attention (yes, boys often give a girl they like the cold shoulder to get her attention -- yes, it's weird logic but guys do it all the time), and boys around your age can still be afraid of girls, so maybe he's stepping back because he doesn't quite know how to handle his feelings for you, etc.
Do nothing different. Continue to be his friend. Don't make a big deal about this and carry on as normal. Boys your age are very fickle. He's bound to be all over you next week. Don't give up hope.
By Katie, 14, from Michigan:
I have this good guy friend. I really, really like him; he’s everything a guy could be in my eyes: great sense of humor/super funny, very easy to talk to, outgoing, loud. We have tons in common and I love being around him; he makes me feel great! Up until the middle of December, I kind of thought he might like me. He invited me to go into the city with just him (although the plans fell through and we ended up doing something else together, but with friends), and he invited me to hang out at his house to meet his family (I did). We talked on the phone all the time, and he teased me endlessly, in a good way. He was so sweet and wonderful and...just perfect. But something changed, and now he acts just like a friend. He’s stopped calling, teasing, asking me to go places. We’re still friends, and we still hang out on occasion, and talk often, but the whole flirty vibe is gone. I don’t think he likes me like that anymore, if he ever did at all. The only problem is, I really want to go out with him, even more than I did in the middle of December! Any suggestions on what I should do?
VictorM's advice:
What could have happened? Lots of things are possible. Maybe his family made fun of him for having a "girlfriend", maybe he sensed you liked him a bit too much, maybe he doesn't think you like him enough, maybe he's just trying to catch your attention (yes, boys often give a girl they like the cold shoulder to get her attention -- yes, it's weird logic but guys do it all the time), and boys around your age can still be afraid of girls, so maybe he's stepping back because he doesn't quite know how to handle his feelings for you, etc.
Do nothing different. Continue to be his friend. Don't make a big deal about this and carry on as normal. Boys your age are very fickle. He's bound to be all over you next week. Don't give up hope.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
A new restaurant in our city
Submitted on Tuesday, January 08, 2008
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Victor
I followed your advice and mentioned about a new restaurant in our city. Realizing that the end of the term was near, holiday travel, etc., I anticipated there would be a delayed response to my invitation. However, the new term begins next week and I've not seen him, or, received any additional response to the invitation. He has my contact information (email, phone #'s). What do you advise?
Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Wait till classes resume and you're sure that he's back in town. If by then you still haven't heard from him, follow up your invitation with something like: "I'm not sure if you saw my invite, or if you forgot about it, but what about going to [restaurant name] for lunch?"
You can't go the rest of your life without knowing what he's thinking. I think you'd agree that rejection will still be better than not knowing.
By Nita, 40, from OK:
Victor
I followed your advice and mentioned about a new restaurant in our city. Realizing that the end of the term was near, holiday travel, etc., I anticipated there would be a delayed response to my invitation. However, the new term begins next week and I've not seen him, or, received any additional response to the invitation. He has my contact information (email, phone #'s). What do you advise?
Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Wait till classes resume and you're sure that he's back in town. If by then you still haven't heard from him, follow up your invitation with something like: "I'm not sure if you saw my invite, or if you forgot about it, but what about going to [restaurant name] for lunch?"
You can't go the rest of your life without knowing what he's thinking. I think you'd agree that rejection will still be better than not knowing.
DAMMIT! I promised myself I wouldn't do this with him
Submitted on Tuesday, January 08, 2008
By Griz, 24, from Miami, FL:
So, here's the situation:
Some random guy sent me a message online. We messaged each other back and forth, lots of small talk, in the course of about 3 days. He asked me out on a date, I accepted.
One week later we met up. He was a gentleman--held the door open for me, payed for dinner, helped me while walking through the streets (it had rained and my shoes were not allowing me to walk humanly!)--and he eventually got comfortable enough with me to put his arm around my waist.
We had the conversation going the whole night; lots of laughs, playful teasing, and always kept the conversation light. About 3 hours into our date (yes, it lasted that long) he gave me a kiss. In the sprinkling rain, nonetheless.
We walked, hand-in-hand, back to his car and he asked if I had a curfew, told me straight up "I don't want to take you home yet." He took me to a nearby beach and parked...and that's when I think the shit doth hitteth the fanneth.
Things got hot and heavy really quick. I tried, to the best of my abilities, to control myself. But I was really physically and mentally attracted to him. Time and time again I avoided his advances to just pounce on me, but I eventually gave in. After about 2 hours just making out in the car, we got to the point where it was just too much and we had to satisfy one another...he gave me a rubbing, I gave him a blowjob.
DAMMIT! I promised myself I wouldn't do this with him. I promised myself I wouldn't give off that impression, but I did.
Did I blow (no pun intended!) my chances of really nabbing this guy? Or am I still in the game? I haven't communicated with him for about 3 days.
VictorM's advice:
He got a blow job in the car on the first date? Damn, what am I doing wrong!?
Did you blow it? Well, it depends on what type of guy he is. If he's the type to imagine you giving a blow job to every guy you date, chances are you blew it. If he feels you only did it because he was so irresistible, chances are that he's moving on to the next conquest. If, however, he thought you were the coolest, loved your company, and feels that you being sexual is a big plus, well, this type of guy can't wait to call you and tell you how much fun you are and wanting to make sure that you go out with him again. Oh, wait. No contact in 3 days? Doesn't sound like this is the case, does it?
Yeah, I get the feeling you blew it. But, wait. Some guys don't like to appear too eager, so wait till later in the week before erasing him from your buddy list.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, first date, blow job, sex in the car,
By Griz, 24, from Miami, FL:
So, here's the situation:
Some random guy sent me a message online. We messaged each other back and forth, lots of small talk, in the course of about 3 days. He asked me out on a date, I accepted.
One week later we met up. He was a gentleman--held the door open for me, payed for dinner, helped me while walking through the streets (it had rained and my shoes were not allowing me to walk humanly!)--and he eventually got comfortable enough with me to put his arm around my waist.
We had the conversation going the whole night; lots of laughs, playful teasing, and always kept the conversation light. About 3 hours into our date (yes, it lasted that long) he gave me a kiss. In the sprinkling rain, nonetheless.
We walked, hand-in-hand, back to his car and he asked if I had a curfew, told me straight up "I don't want to take you home yet." He took me to a nearby beach and parked...and that's when I think the shit doth hitteth the fanneth.
Things got hot and heavy really quick. I tried, to the best of my abilities, to control myself. But I was really physically and mentally attracted to him. Time and time again I avoided his advances to just pounce on me, but I eventually gave in. After about 2 hours just making out in the car, we got to the point where it was just too much and we had to satisfy one another...he gave me a rubbing, I gave him a blowjob.
DAMMIT! I promised myself I wouldn't do this with him. I promised myself I wouldn't give off that impression, but I did.
Did I blow (no pun intended!) my chances of really nabbing this guy? Or am I still in the game? I haven't communicated with him for about 3 days.
VictorM's advice:
He got a blow job in the car on the first date? Damn, what am I doing wrong!?
Did you blow it? Well, it depends on what type of guy he is. If he's the type to imagine you giving a blow job to every guy you date, chances are you blew it. If he feels you only did it because he was so irresistible, chances are that he's moving on to the next conquest. If, however, he thought you were the coolest, loved your company, and feels that you being sexual is a big plus, well, this type of guy can't wait to call you and tell you how much fun you are and wanting to make sure that you go out with him again. Oh, wait. No contact in 3 days? Doesn't sound like this is the case, does it?
Yeah, I get the feeling you blew it. But, wait. Some guys don't like to appear too eager, so wait till later in the week before erasing him from your buddy list.
Technorati Tags: dating advice, first date, blow job, sex in the car,
Deeper than the first?
Submitted on Monday, January 07, 2008
By Michelle, 17, from Dallas:
The second time you fall in love, could it be deeper than the first? How do you know it's meant to be?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, second love can, and often is, better than the first time around. Mainly because of maturity and such.
"Meant to be" is a romance novel crap phrase. I don't buy it. You fall in love and you work at it. There is no freebie "meant to be"; there's just what you put into it and what you get out of it. Maybe when you are 80 years old you can look back and say it was meant to be, but you can't say it until you get there (but by then I think you'll realize you worked very hard to make it last and there was nothing "meant to be" about putting up with his peeing in bed and his foul farting habit).
Tags: relationship advice, first love, second love, meant to be
By Michelle, 17, from Dallas:
The second time you fall in love, could it be deeper than the first? How do you know it's meant to be?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, second love can, and often is, better than the first time around. Mainly because of maturity and such.
"Meant to be" is a romance novel crap phrase. I don't buy it. You fall in love and you work at it. There is no freebie "meant to be"; there's just what you put into it and what you get out of it. Maybe when you are 80 years old you can look back and say it was meant to be, but you can't say it until you get there (but by then I think you'll realize you worked very hard to make it last and there was nothing "meant to be" about putting up with his peeing in bed and his foul farting habit).
Tags: relationship advice, first love, second love, meant to be
Groping rather than a kiss
Submitted on Monday, January 07, 2008
By anon:
Do guys that freak out and back off after a make out session ever come back around?...or are they just gone? Does it mean that they don't think a girl is "mommy material"?
Furthermore...if the make out session begins with groping rather than a kiss, is that an indication of what category a girl is in in a guy's mind?
VictorM's advice:
Him groping you has nothing to do with the type of girl you are; it has all to do with the type of guy he is.
He could come back around, but the odds are that he won't. I don't know what his motivation for backing off was, but doesn't sound like you got far enough along for him to even consider the "mommy" possibility.
Tags: relationship advice, mommy material, making out, groping
By anon:
Do guys that freak out and back off after a make out session ever come back around?...or are they just gone? Does it mean that they don't think a girl is "mommy material"?
Furthermore...if the make out session begins with groping rather than a kiss, is that an indication of what category a girl is in in a guy's mind?
VictorM's advice:
Him groping you has nothing to do with the type of girl you are; it has all to do with the type of guy he is.
He could come back around, but the odds are that he won't. I don't know what his motivation for backing off was, but doesn't sound like you got far enough along for him to even consider the "mommy" possibility.
Tags: relationship advice, mommy material, making out, groping
Monday, January 07, 2008
I am thinking bout dating this guy
Submitted on Monday, January 07, 2008
By kati, 17, from ohio:
I am thinking about dating this guy I have known since I was like two. I mean, me and him took baths together. We grew up together and well in high school we both kinda went our seperate directions and now we are talking again. But there is a catch: I moved about three hours away from him and we are thinking about making a relationship of us. We both want the same things in life and we know each other all so well we know each other's flaws and positives but yet I am still scared about the distance. How can I know that everything will be ok? How can I make him fall in love with me over the phone? We will only get to se other on a occation but when we would ge to it would be great, we know each others families and everything. What is your advice?
VictorM's advice:
Long distance relationships are very hard. Physical contact is an important part of being together. That is more so with boys than with girls.
But you can never be sure that a relationship will work OK, distance or no distance. Being in a relationship is hard and there's always the risk that it won't last.
Two points:
1. Just keep in mind that boys generally are not as much as girls into the whole letter writing, texting, phone calling thing. So don't jump to the conclusion that he lost interest just because he doesn't contact you as much as you contact him.
2. Make things fun. If you spend your time with him making it unpleasant, like talking about your doubts and expressing fears, you're bound to make things worse. It's not to say you can't talk about those things, but enjoy your talks, have fun, laugh.
By kati, 17, from ohio:
I am thinking about dating this guy I have known since I was like two. I mean, me and him took baths together. We grew up together and well in high school we both kinda went our seperate directions and now we are talking again. But there is a catch: I moved about three hours away from him and we are thinking about making a relationship of us. We both want the same things in life and we know each other all so well we know each other's flaws and positives but yet I am still scared about the distance. How can I know that everything will be ok? How can I make him fall in love with me over the phone? We will only get to se other on a occation but when we would ge to it would be great, we know each others families and everything. What is your advice?
VictorM's advice:
Long distance relationships are very hard. Physical contact is an important part of being together. That is more so with boys than with girls.
But you can never be sure that a relationship will work OK, distance or no distance. Being in a relationship is hard and there's always the risk that it won't last.
Two points:
1. Just keep in mind that boys generally are not as much as girls into the whole letter writing, texting, phone calling thing. So don't jump to the conclusion that he lost interest just because he doesn't contact you as much as you contact him.
2. Make things fun. If you spend your time with him making it unpleasant, like talking about your doubts and expressing fears, you're bound to make things worse. It's not to say you can't talk about those things, but enjoy your talks, have fun, laugh.
His mother is the reason we broke up
Submitted on Monday, January 07, 2008
By Amy, 19, from Colorado:
Three years ago my son's dad and I broke up after a 4 year relationship. We've "hooked up" on and off for 3 years, well, we were going through legal issues started by his mother (I hate the woman she's the reason we broke up, she likes trouble).
She would tell me he was cheating on me with this girl Rachel (I was 16 and pregnant) and then told me that she should raise the baby cause we're too young and even tried to force me to sign over the baby to her.
Recently we've "hooked up" again. He came looking for me at my work and we've brought up having another child without telling his parents, which makes me mad cause I have no problem telling them. It's my life and if you don't like it stay out of it).
Well, after having a major fight where he told me: "There is no point to love. The last time I loved anyone she took off with our 2 week old baby cause of my mom." We haven't been having sex just playing video games and going out with our son.
And every time we get too close, he pushes away. I know he has borderline, and is scared of his parents. But other then that, I am not sure what's going on with us.
Does he still love me? Or what's going on??
VictorM's advice:
He's still a child, too much under the influence of his parents. Fear of them is the dominant force in his behavior. You're basically dealing with two kids: your son and his father.
He's still young (assuming he's about your age); he may still grow balls someday.
By Amy, 19, from Colorado:
Three years ago my son's dad and I broke up after a 4 year relationship. We've "hooked up" on and off for 3 years, well, we were going through legal issues started by his mother (I hate the woman she's the reason we broke up, she likes trouble).
She would tell me he was cheating on me with this girl Rachel (I was 16 and pregnant) and then told me that she should raise the baby cause we're too young and even tried to force me to sign over the baby to her.
Recently we've "hooked up" again. He came looking for me at my work and we've brought up having another child without telling his parents, which makes me mad cause I have no problem telling them. It's my life and if you don't like it stay out of it).
Well, after having a major fight where he told me: "There is no point to love. The last time I loved anyone she took off with our 2 week old baby cause of my mom." We haven't been having sex just playing video games and going out with our son.
And every time we get too close, he pushes away. I know he has borderline, and is scared of his parents. But other then that, I am not sure what's going on with us.
Does he still love me? Or what's going on??
VictorM's advice:
He's still a child, too much under the influence of his parents. Fear of them is the dominant force in his behavior. You're basically dealing with two kids: your son and his father.
He's still young (assuming he's about your age); he may still grow balls someday.
What is going on with him?
Submitted on Monday, January 07, 2008
By Michelle, 20, from Baltimore, Md:
My boyfriend keeps confusing me. One week we are in a relationship and happy and then the next week he wants to be just friends and wants to take things slow. I love him and he says he loves me, what is going on with him?
VictorM's advice:
Cold feet. Doubts. Second guessing. Seeing the grass as greener in the single world. Felling sorry for you. Liking you but not really being in love with you (yeah, yeah, he loves you blah blah blah what else is he suppose to tell you when he's wavering and doesn't want to make you cry?)
If a guy who says he loves you also says he wants to be friends, something is wrong. Please, don't say "we're happy". Say you're happy but don't speak for him because his actions betray your words. Yes, a guy can have a nice time with you, laugh, have sex, and not really be happy with you. Being on and off is not a good sign. Lift the blinders, please.
By Michelle, 20, from Baltimore, Md:
My boyfriend keeps confusing me. One week we are in a relationship and happy and then the next week he wants to be just friends and wants to take things slow. I love him and he says he loves me, what is going on with him?
VictorM's advice:
Cold feet. Doubts. Second guessing. Seeing the grass as greener in the single world. Felling sorry for you. Liking you but not really being in love with you (yeah, yeah, he loves you blah blah blah what else is he suppose to tell you when he's wavering and doesn't want to make you cry?)
If a guy who says he loves you also says he wants to be friends, something is wrong. Please, don't say "we're happy". Say you're happy but don't speak for him because his actions betray your words. Yes, a guy can have a nice time with you, laugh, have sex, and not really be happy with you. Being on and off is not a good sign. Lift the blinders, please.
He has huge issues with emotional intimacy
Submitted on Monday, January 07, 2008
By UnhappyJ, 27, from Oz:
I dated a 29 year old guy for 3 years. For all intents and purposes we lived together, but moved from house to house. We broke up 6 months ago. He has huge issues with emotional intimacy, but we were working on it, he really wanted to grow in that way and he thought the world of me..thought I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I am absolutely in love with him, I can't get over it.
He broke up with me out of the blue..the only things that had changed were friends asking us when we were getting married..I was careful not to push..and me asking about plans for a holiday next year.
During our breakup he has seemed miserable, depressed, lots of self-destructive behaviour, drinking, drugs, lots of random sex, new girlfriend that he doesn't like and is cheating on with lots of people.
He told me we broke up because he wasn't sure how you're meant to know when you've met 'the one', that he wasn't ready for the idea of only ever being with 1 person for the rest of his and I just wasn't the right person. We were awesome..absolutely in love..best friends..great sex..
So what the hell? Is there any hope?
VictorM's answer:
Not likely. Earlier on he went along for the ride, from house to house, but as soon as things started smelling like it being a permanent thing, he realized you're not "the one". When a guy says he doesn't know how to tell when a girl is the one, it just means he's sure you're not "the one."
You say things were awesome, but here's a man into drugs, drinking, casual sex, cheating, living a miserable life, and yet... that's the man you love. I'm sure he didn't get this screwed-up overnight, that is, his habits have to have been there for a while, and yet, you say things were awesome. I would not be surprised if you're so much into your own satisfaction that you never noticed he was miserable.
Of course you're not responsible for his destructive behavior now, but you have to analyze your own ability to recognize and accept when there are problems instead of sugar coating things and wearing rose-colored-glasses.
By UnhappyJ, 27, from Oz:
I dated a 29 year old guy for 3 years. For all intents and purposes we lived together, but moved from house to house. We broke up 6 months ago. He has huge issues with emotional intimacy, but we were working on it, he really wanted to grow in that way and he thought the world of me..thought I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I am absolutely in love with him, I can't get over it.
He broke up with me out of the blue..the only things that had changed were friends asking us when we were getting married..I was careful not to push..and me asking about plans for a holiday next year.
During our breakup he has seemed miserable, depressed, lots of self-destructive behaviour, drinking, drugs, lots of random sex, new girlfriend that he doesn't like and is cheating on with lots of people.
He told me we broke up because he wasn't sure how you're meant to know when you've met 'the one', that he wasn't ready for the idea of only ever being with 1 person for the rest of his and I just wasn't the right person. We were awesome..absolutely in love..best friends..great sex..
So what the hell? Is there any hope?
VictorM's answer:
Not likely. Earlier on he went along for the ride, from house to house, but as soon as things started smelling like it being a permanent thing, he realized you're not "the one". When a guy says he doesn't know how to tell when a girl is the one, it just means he's sure you're not "the one."
You say things were awesome, but here's a man into drugs, drinking, casual sex, cheating, living a miserable life, and yet... that's the man you love. I'm sure he didn't get this screwed-up overnight, that is, his habits have to have been there for a while, and yet, you say things were awesome. I would not be surprised if you're so much into your own satisfaction that you never noticed he was miserable.
Of course you're not responsible for his destructive behavior now, but you have to analyze your own ability to recognize and accept when there are problems instead of sugar coating things and wearing rose-colored-glasses.
I don't want to let go if there's still a chance
Submitted on Sunday, January 06, 2008
By Brenda, 21, from United States:
Ex-bf question. I don't want to let go if there's still a chance. Is there?
I broke up with my ex twice. We hooked up. I said it was a mistake because I was afraid. A few weeks later we were on the verge of getting back together, but I hesitated. When I finally asked to get back together, he said no, citing the reason I gave him for breaking up: long distance. He insisted that we stay friends.
We finally distanced ourselves (with a few heartfelt apologies for being so emotional around him), and I had just starting to open up again post-emotional mess. Good progress soured, however. I got jealous and I called him up some 3 or 4 weeks ago (after misinterpreting the actions of a girl) and said I missed him and if he was seeing anyone. He was drunk, however. He said he kind of missed me too, not saying anymore because he was "drunk, not stupid." He told me he wouldn't see anyone for quite a while. He asked me if I didn't want him to see anyone. I said yes, but wasn't really entitled to that. I asked if he'd be okay if I saw someone else, which I was planning to do and he didn't say anything. He just let out this sound. He said we can meet up and talk about it when he gets back to the states (he lives abroad, but we go to school a few hours apart), but we should leave things as they are for now. Since then, we've been talking online and have had better conversations then when dating. He mentioned returning to U.S. soon, but neither of us brought up meeting up. I feel I am on the border of getting over him almost completely. I guess I need to know if he just wants to stay friends.
VictorM's answer:
I have no idea what he's thinking but if you're ready to move on, cutoff the contact with him because if and when he comes back you two are still talking it will just messy, specially if you are dating other guys.
But what are you thinking? Turning him down not once but twice... asking him if you can date other guys... Come on! Face it, you really aren't into this guy. You're just into the drama of it all and you're not very nice about it. I mean, really, asking him if he minds if you date others? It's either utterly childish or just plain mean of you. Leave the guy alone already!
By Brenda, 21, from United States:
Ex-bf question. I don't want to let go if there's still a chance. Is there?
I broke up with my ex twice. We hooked up. I said it was a mistake because I was afraid. A few weeks later we were on the verge of getting back together, but I hesitated. When I finally asked to get back together, he said no, citing the reason I gave him for breaking up: long distance. He insisted that we stay friends.
We finally distanced ourselves (with a few heartfelt apologies for being so emotional around him), and I had just starting to open up again post-emotional mess. Good progress soured, however. I got jealous and I called him up some 3 or 4 weeks ago (after misinterpreting the actions of a girl) and said I missed him and if he was seeing anyone. He was drunk, however. He said he kind of missed me too, not saying anymore because he was "drunk, not stupid." He told me he wouldn't see anyone for quite a while. He asked me if I didn't want him to see anyone. I said yes, but wasn't really entitled to that. I asked if he'd be okay if I saw someone else, which I was planning to do and he didn't say anything. He just let out this sound. He said we can meet up and talk about it when he gets back to the states (he lives abroad, but we go to school a few hours apart), but we should leave things as they are for now. Since then, we've been talking online and have had better conversations then when dating. He mentioned returning to U.S. soon, but neither of us brought up meeting up. I feel I am on the border of getting over him almost completely. I guess I need to know if he just wants to stay friends.
VictorM's answer:
I have no idea what he's thinking but if you're ready to move on, cutoff the contact with him because if and when he comes back you two are still talking it will just messy, specially if you are dating other guys.
But what are you thinking? Turning him down not once but twice... asking him if you can date other guys... Come on! Face it, you really aren't into this guy. You're just into the drama of it all and you're not very nice about it. I mean, really, asking him if he minds if you date others? It's either utterly childish or just plain mean of you. Leave the guy alone already!
I can't lie and say that I don't like him
Submitted on Sunday, January 06, 2008
By M, 17, from Home:
There's this boy who recently said he liked me a lot. I can't lie and say that I don't like him. I do, but I have much more serious feelings for someone else, who I've been waiting on for a year now, and nothing seems to happen. I know, I even gave up on wanting something, but I still can't get over him. I haven't said anything but "oh.." to that boy who said he likes me. Frankly, I don't know what to say. I don't want to lead him on when I have feelings for someone else. But, I do want to spend time with him because I want to get over that guy. Would I be using him if I do that? Apparently, I'm confused...
VictorM's advice:
No, you would not be using the boy. He likes you, you like him, so why not give it a try? Maybe he'll help you get over the other guy, maybe not, but that's the way it goes.
By saying you like him, or even if you don't say it, but are willing to go out with him, you're not making a lifelong commitment here. And the boy likes you, so he'll get something out of going out with you, even if it doesn't last. So, don't be confused; go for it!
One thing: just don't mention liking the other boy to this one. It's none of this guy's business to know and if you tell him, you'll just spoil things. If and when the other guy makes a move, and you still want to give him a try, at least breakup with this guy first. But who knows... there's nothing like feeling loved by someone new to let go of feelings for someone else.
By M, 17, from Home:
There's this boy who recently said he liked me a lot. I can't lie and say that I don't like him. I do, but I have much more serious feelings for someone else, who I've been waiting on for a year now, and nothing seems to happen. I know, I even gave up on wanting something, but I still can't get over him. I haven't said anything but "oh.." to that boy who said he likes me. Frankly, I don't know what to say. I don't want to lead him on when I have feelings for someone else. But, I do want to spend time with him because I want to get over that guy. Would I be using him if I do that? Apparently, I'm confused...
VictorM's advice:
No, you would not be using the boy. He likes you, you like him, so why not give it a try? Maybe he'll help you get over the other guy, maybe not, but that's the way it goes.
By saying you like him, or even if you don't say it, but are willing to go out with him, you're not making a lifelong commitment here. And the boy likes you, so he'll get something out of going out with you, even if it doesn't last. So, don't be confused; go for it!
One thing: just don't mention liking the other boy to this one. It's none of this guy's business to know and if you tell him, you'll just spoil things. If and when the other guy makes a move, and you still want to give him a try, at least breakup with this guy first. But who knows... there's nothing like feeling loved by someone new to let go of feelings for someone else.
Who should say "I love you" first?
Submitted on Sunday, January 06, 2008
By Kim, 29, from Pgh, Pa:
I am in a new relationship with a guy. We have been seeing each other for 2 months. I want to tell him that I love him, but I'm worried it is too soon. My friend also told me that I should let the guy say I love you first. Does it matter who says it first? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
I answered this question in our forum. Check it out here.
By Kim, 29, from Pgh, Pa:
I am in a new relationship with a guy. We have been seeing each other for 2 months. I want to tell him that I love him, but I'm worried it is too soon. My friend also told me that I should let the guy say I love you first. Does it matter who says it first? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
I answered this question in our forum. Check it out here.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I don't really care what the title is
Submitted on Saturday, January 05, 2008
By Rachel, 25, from Chicago, IL:
I have been casually dating this guy for about 6 months. We are not exclusive at this point. Or we don't have to be anyways. I don't think he's dating anyone else but I know that he still hangs out with his ex frequently...whether there is a more-than-friends type thing going on there, I really don't know. He says not though. My friends do not think the relationship we have is a good idea, because they think at some point I am going to become too attatched to him and become hurt if he gets a girlfriend or starts dating a lot at some point. The thing is I date outside of him occasionally as well. I actually have a date with another guy in a few days. He doesn't know that, but he's not my boyfriend, and if he were to ask I would tell him. My friends think that I have accepted this date as a way of distracting myself from the fact that he is still hanging out with his ex. I suppose on some level I am, because maybe I need to have other options in case he and her get back together or something. But for now, I basically think of us as "flirt friends." We go on dates, and flirt like crazy, spend hours at a time on IM with each other, give compliments to the other, he tells me I look sexy or whatever...but we are not physical or intimate outside of playful wrestling on the couch occasionally. I will be honest and say that if he ever wanted us to be exclusive with me, I would jump at that opportunity. I would love to be his girlfriend. But if i can't, then I still want to be flirt friends with him. I could still date others too. And he could also if he wanted to. But everyone keeps telling me that I am setting myself up to be hurt if I allow myself to get even remotely involved with a guy who could possibly still have feelings for his ex. The thing is is that he says that he and his ex are just friends now. What's your take? Can't I just date him casually while both of us are free to see others if we wanted....and then if more develops from there at some point...awesome right? Or do you think I am going to be disappointed at some point? It admittedly, does sting a little when I think of him with other girls, but for now I am just enjoying whatever time and attention I get from him at all. I'm just thrilled to spend time with him, I don't really care what the title is as long as we're both having fun which we are. But do you think it's unhealthy?
VictorM's advice:
I disagree with your friends. In fact, I think your current approach is healthy. It's giving both of you the time to know the other without the pressures of a relationship. Is there a danger that one of you will fall for the other and the feelings will not be reciprocated? Of course! But what would be the difference if you were a couple and one of you lost interest in the other? It's basically the same thing. But at least, as a non-girlfriend, your hopes aren't as high. Overall, I think you're better off for now than being his girlfriend. It allows you to enjoy his company and still see other guys. At some point, however, something will give and you'll either get closer or fade away.
As for him spending time with his ex... that should not be a problem until such time as you become a couple. Many times guys have no feelings for the girl they breakup with but either feel bad for her or just can't cut loose cold turkey, and do the parting over a period of time instead of suddenly. It's basically a phasing out thing. That's most likely what's going on with them now. Besides, while I think remaining friend with your ex is not a good idea, I also don't think that exes need to be enemies. Being civil and even friendly with each other is a good indication of maturity.
So... thank your friends for their concern but ignore them. Do exactly what you're doing.
By Rachel, 25, from Chicago, IL:
I have been casually dating this guy for about 6 months. We are not exclusive at this point. Or we don't have to be anyways. I don't think he's dating anyone else but I know that he still hangs out with his ex frequently...whether there is a more-than-friends type thing going on there, I really don't know. He says not though. My friends do not think the relationship we have is a good idea, because they think at some point I am going to become too attatched to him and become hurt if he gets a girlfriend or starts dating a lot at some point. The thing is I date outside of him occasionally as well. I actually have a date with another guy in a few days. He doesn't know that, but he's not my boyfriend, and if he were to ask I would tell him. My friends think that I have accepted this date as a way of distracting myself from the fact that he is still hanging out with his ex. I suppose on some level I am, because maybe I need to have other options in case he and her get back together or something. But for now, I basically think of us as "flirt friends." We go on dates, and flirt like crazy, spend hours at a time on IM with each other, give compliments to the other, he tells me I look sexy or whatever...but we are not physical or intimate outside of playful wrestling on the couch occasionally. I will be honest and say that if he ever wanted us to be exclusive with me, I would jump at that opportunity. I would love to be his girlfriend. But if i can't, then I still want to be flirt friends with him. I could still date others too. And he could also if he wanted to. But everyone keeps telling me that I am setting myself up to be hurt if I allow myself to get even remotely involved with a guy who could possibly still have feelings for his ex. The thing is is that he says that he and his ex are just friends now. What's your take? Can't I just date him casually while both of us are free to see others if we wanted....and then if more develops from there at some point...awesome right? Or do you think I am going to be disappointed at some point? It admittedly, does sting a little when I think of him with other girls, but for now I am just enjoying whatever time and attention I get from him at all. I'm just thrilled to spend time with him, I don't really care what the title is as long as we're both having fun which we are. But do you think it's unhealthy?
VictorM's advice:
I disagree with your friends. In fact, I think your current approach is healthy. It's giving both of you the time to know the other without the pressures of a relationship. Is there a danger that one of you will fall for the other and the feelings will not be reciprocated? Of course! But what would be the difference if you were a couple and one of you lost interest in the other? It's basically the same thing. But at least, as a non-girlfriend, your hopes aren't as high. Overall, I think you're better off for now than being his girlfriend. It allows you to enjoy his company and still see other guys. At some point, however, something will give and you'll either get closer or fade away.
As for him spending time with his ex... that should not be a problem until such time as you become a couple. Many times guys have no feelings for the girl they breakup with but either feel bad for her or just can't cut loose cold turkey, and do the parting over a period of time instead of suddenly. It's basically a phasing out thing. That's most likely what's going on with them now. Besides, while I think remaining friend with your ex is not a good idea, I also don't think that exes need to be enemies. Being civil and even friendly with each other is a good indication of maturity.
So... thank your friends for their concern but ignore them. Do exactly what you're doing.
He acted like he didn't know me
Submitted on Saturday, January 05, 2008
By bookie, 15, from penscola fl:
What should I do I went to my cousin party & met 1 of his friends we started going out then a week later I went 2 his basket ball game & he acted like he didn't know me and he started telling every body were just friends what sholud I do
VictorM's advice:
Well, bookie, chances are that he was just bowing to peer pressure and said that you were just friends to keep his pals off his back. But regardless, I would treat the relationship as over. If he comes back pretending nothing happened, throw his words on his face and tell him to take his cowardice for a hike.
You're probably better off without him anyway. You can use the spare time to, oh, I don't know, study for your English class maybe?
By bookie, 15, from penscola fl:
What should I do I went to my cousin party & met 1 of his friends we started going out then a week later I went 2 his basket ball game & he acted like he didn't know me and he started telling every body were just friends what sholud I do
VictorM's advice:
Well, bookie, chances are that he was just bowing to peer pressure and said that you were just friends to keep his pals off his back. But regardless, I would treat the relationship as over. If he comes back pretending nothing happened, throw his words on his face and tell him to take his cowardice for a hike.
You're probably better off without him anyway. You can use the spare time to, oh, I don't know, study for your English class maybe?
He took a photo on his phone of us
Submitted on Saturday, January 05, 2008
By Lucy, 18, from Australia:
Hi again!
I contacted you ages ago regarding a guy who I liked at the time...
we have since started going out, and have been "dating" for a month, but I have been away three times in the last month, so I have spent 2 weeks in total away, but managed to see him about 8 times in between my trips.
I have a new problem though.
We were invited to a New Years Eve party at one of his friends houses, but my "boyfriend" James didn't ask me to go, it was in fact one of my good friends Alex (an ex school friend of my boyfriend's) who asked me to go and the party was to be held at one of their friend's houses. I asked a few of the girls who went to school with me to go, and it was in all, a good night. However, I've known Alex for over a year now, and we talk most nights on IM or on the phone. That night James and I spent a lot of time together and he introduced me to people I didn't already know as his girlfriend and kept kissing me on the head, or holding my hand and putting his hands on my waist when he found me talking to another guy. When we counted down for the NY James was holding my hand and he said "Happy New Year" and then went to kiss me, but as I have not kissed him yet I freaked and avoided it and kissed him on the cheek. Then the first person in the room to come over to find me and say "Happy New Year" was Alex.
We left the party not too long after that, and then I was walking with my girlfriends back towards the house we were staying at, and then Alex and a friend of his came around the corner and asked if we would like to go back to his friend's house.. which we did. There was a big group of us, about 15 in total and we headed back to the other house. Most people left after about an hour, but Alex, our host, my girlfriends and I stayed there longer. I ended up getting too close to Alex while he, his friend, and I danced and my girlfriends slept. His friend left the room and I collapsed on the couch, and Alex fell next to me. He then took a photo on his phone of us, and then he kissed me.
Basically no one knows except my girlfriends how it worked out. The next morning when I woke up and remembered and James's best friend who realised that I was upset. I don't know how to tell James, or if I should. And this morning to make it worse, Alex sent me the photo via SMS. It was a picture of the two of us cuddling on the couch.
Ok, Im wondering why Alex sent me the picture, why he wanted me so desparately at the New Years Eve party and what to do about James.. I don't understand Alex's intentions, and James seems too sweet and I don't want to hurt him.
thanks, any input is appreciated and sorry for the length!
Lucy
VictorM's advice:
Well, frankly, I see nothing to worry about. You did nothing wrong, really. And there's nothing to tell James unless the topic comes up. The worst thing you can do is act guilty over nothing.
If James sees the picture and asks about it, you simply tell him the truth: you went with a group of friends, you danced, your good friend Alex was there and he got next to you to take a New Year's eve picture. That's it. And Alex's kiss, if that comes up, was a Happy New Year peck from a good friend. No big deal. It'll only become a big deal if you make it one.
About the kissing... you seem to place too much emphasis on a simple kiss. For crying out loud, kiss James already! It's just a freaking kiss.
By Lucy, 18, from Australia:
Hi again!
I contacted you ages ago regarding a guy who I liked at the time...
we have since started going out, and have been "dating" for a month, but I have been away three times in the last month, so I have spent 2 weeks in total away, but managed to see him about 8 times in between my trips.
I have a new problem though.
We were invited to a New Years Eve party at one of his friends houses, but my "boyfriend" James didn't ask me to go, it was in fact one of my good friends Alex (an ex school friend of my boyfriend's) who asked me to go and the party was to be held at one of their friend's houses. I asked a few of the girls who went to school with me to go, and it was in all, a good night. However, I've known Alex for over a year now, and we talk most nights on IM or on the phone. That night James and I spent a lot of time together and he introduced me to people I didn't already know as his girlfriend and kept kissing me on the head, or holding my hand and putting his hands on my waist when he found me talking to another guy. When we counted down for the NY James was holding my hand and he said "Happy New Year" and then went to kiss me, but as I have not kissed him yet I freaked and avoided it and kissed him on the cheek. Then the first person in the room to come over to find me and say "Happy New Year" was Alex.
We left the party not too long after that, and then I was walking with my girlfriends back towards the house we were staying at, and then Alex and a friend of his came around the corner and asked if we would like to go back to his friend's house.. which we did. There was a big group of us, about 15 in total and we headed back to the other house. Most people left after about an hour, but Alex, our host, my girlfriends and I stayed there longer. I ended up getting too close to Alex while he, his friend, and I danced and my girlfriends slept. His friend left the room and I collapsed on the couch, and Alex fell next to me. He then took a photo on his phone of us, and then he kissed me.
Basically no one knows except my girlfriends how it worked out. The next morning when I woke up and remembered and James's best friend who realised that I was upset. I don't know how to tell James, or if I should. And this morning to make it worse, Alex sent me the photo via SMS. It was a picture of the two of us cuddling on the couch.
Ok, Im wondering why Alex sent me the picture, why he wanted me so desparately at the New Years Eve party and what to do about James.. I don't understand Alex's intentions, and James seems too sweet and I don't want to hurt him.
thanks, any input is appreciated and sorry for the length!
Lucy
VictorM's advice:
Well, frankly, I see nothing to worry about. You did nothing wrong, really. And there's nothing to tell James unless the topic comes up. The worst thing you can do is act guilty over nothing.
If James sees the picture and asks about it, you simply tell him the truth: you went with a group of friends, you danced, your good friend Alex was there and he got next to you to take a New Year's eve picture. That's it. And Alex's kiss, if that comes up, was a Happy New Year peck from a good friend. No big deal. It'll only become a big deal if you make it one.
About the kissing... you seem to place too much emphasis on a simple kiss. For crying out loud, kiss James already! It's just a freaking kiss.
He's stalking me
Submitted on Saturday, January 05, 2008
By Etta, 15, from California:
This very awkward (who is in special education) guy who I do NOT like has been minorly stalking me: following me around campus, waiting for me at lunch, and chasing me down in the quad. I feel really guilty if i'm rude to him, but it's impossible to avoid him. He knows where my locker is, who my friends are, and our campus is very small. I don't know what to do! Since he's socially awkward, he doesn't get my subtle hints. HELP ME!!
VictorM's advice:
Why not try a novel idea: be nice to the kid. Sure, you don't like him but can't you be nice and friendly just the same? Yes, I know, it might not make you cool with your friends, since he's in special education, but if that's the reason, you have to wonder who really is the socially awkward one.
If it's so annoying that this kid has a crush on you, try to dispel his notion that you're some great girl. How about you start talking to him and then picking your nose and eating your boogers right in front of him? It's a sacrifice, for sure, but hey, chances are that his romantic visions of you will decrease. Oh, and let go a good loud fart, just for good measure. If he still likes you after that, hell, marry the kid!
By Etta, 15, from California:
This very awkward (who is in special education) guy who I do NOT like has been minorly stalking me: following me around campus, waiting for me at lunch, and chasing me down in the quad. I feel really guilty if i'm rude to him, but it's impossible to avoid him. He knows where my locker is, who my friends are, and our campus is very small. I don't know what to do! Since he's socially awkward, he doesn't get my subtle hints. HELP ME!!
VictorM's advice:
Why not try a novel idea: be nice to the kid. Sure, you don't like him but can't you be nice and friendly just the same? Yes, I know, it might not make you cool with your friends, since he's in special education, but if that's the reason, you have to wonder who really is the socially awkward one.
If it's so annoying that this kid has a crush on you, try to dispel his notion that you're some great girl. How about you start talking to him and then picking your nose and eating your boogers right in front of him? It's a sacrifice, for sure, but hey, chances are that his romantic visions of you will decrease. Oh, and let go a good loud fart, just for good measure. If he still likes you after that, hell, marry the kid!
Saturday, January 05, 2008
He says he always messes up relationships
Submitted on Friday, January 04, 2008
By rina, 14, from melbourne:
ok my sister likes this guy who likes her back... but he says he always messes up relationships and he doesn't want to hurt her. But I'm trying to talk to him, you know, sort of convince him not every relationship screws up. Because it's not like my sister is going to wait forever for this guy and he is sort of hurting her by not asking her out. WHAT CAN I SAY TO HIM. Helpp meee?
VictorM's advice:
Well, Rina, you're committing the same big mistake that so many females do: you're listening to his words, not his meaning. The boy just doesn't like your sister as much as you think he does. He's not going to come out and say it straight out -- that would be rude -- so he beats around the bush with some bullshit reason.
You're right that your sister isn't going to wait forever. Let the forever commence now.
Oh, and please stop with the "he's hurting her feelings" crap! He's free to ask her out or not ask her out, and your sister is free to see him or see others, but blaming him for hurting her is wrong.
By rina, 14, from melbourne:
ok my sister likes this guy who likes her back... but he says he always messes up relationships and he doesn't want to hurt her. But I'm trying to talk to him, you know, sort of convince him not every relationship screws up. Because it's not like my sister is going to wait forever for this guy and he is sort of hurting her by not asking her out. WHAT CAN I SAY TO HIM. Helpp meee?
VictorM's advice:
Well, Rina, you're committing the same big mistake that so many females do: you're listening to his words, not his meaning. The boy just doesn't like your sister as much as you think he does. He's not going to come out and say it straight out -- that would be rude -- so he beats around the bush with some bullshit reason.
You're right that your sister isn't going to wait forever. Let the forever commence now.
Oh, and please stop with the "he's hurting her feelings" crap! He's free to ask her out or not ask her out, and your sister is free to see him or see others, but blaming him for hurting her is wrong.
It's just rude to be with someone else in my FACE!
Submitted on Thursday, January 03, 2008
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
ok vic, i was seeing this guy who had everything, looks, charm, cars, money, and we got on brilliantly we are both witty and funny. BUT he's a player and made it clear to me that he was seeing other people, I was ok with that. For a while he started seeing me a lot and it was nice but I've developed feeelings now and I saw him with someone else and I've flipped. I've not said anything but ignored him and stayed away from the places we 'bump' into each other. It's just rude to be with someone else in my FACE! so I've arranged a date tonight with a really sweet guy and I've been texting him a lot. I just can't get the other idiot out my head. Any ideas? I thought a new guy would take my mind off it.
VictorM's advice:
Just a new guy won't do it. It takes time. But you're on the right track. Just keep socially busy.
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
ok vic, i was seeing this guy who had everything, looks, charm, cars, money, and we got on brilliantly we are both witty and funny. BUT he's a player and made it clear to me that he was seeing other people, I was ok with that. For a while he started seeing me a lot and it was nice but I've developed feeelings now and I saw him with someone else and I've flipped. I've not said anything but ignored him and stayed away from the places we 'bump' into each other. It's just rude to be with someone else in my FACE! so I've arranged a date tonight with a really sweet guy and I've been texting him a lot. I just can't get the other idiot out my head. Any ideas? I thought a new guy would take my mind off it.
VictorM's advice:
Just a new guy won't do it. It takes time. But you're on the right track. Just keep socially busy.
He said that he wants to take it slow
Submitted on Thursday, January 03, 2008
By Lisa, 33, from CA:
Hi. I met this guy recently and we hit it off. I am really attracted to him, and we were dancing very close. A little later he said that he wants to take it slow and that I was coming on too strong. Then I backed off a little, but still kept talking to him because we were with a large group of friends. I did not want to act intimidated. I sent him a brief email saying a had a great time, and I wished him a wonderful 2008, and thanked him for a present he got me. Did I do the righ thing? Is there a chance? Do you think he will email or respond?
VictorM's advice:
It's always hard to determine what "too strong" is. It varies by individual. One thing I will say: I seldom get the same question submitted to me on back to back days. You just did it. So maybe it's not a matter of you being intimidated; maybe you are a wee bit impatient?
Anyway, there's a good chance he will reply out of courtesy. The odds of you surviving a "coming on too strong"charge, however, are not as good. Chances are that you come across as generally aggressive to types like him even without you knowing what makes it so. It's not something you can or should change. There are many guys who'll love your determination.
By Lisa, 33, from CA:
Hi. I met this guy recently and we hit it off. I am really attracted to him, and we were dancing very close. A little later he said that he wants to take it slow and that I was coming on too strong. Then I backed off a little, but still kept talking to him because we were with a large group of friends. I did not want to act intimidated. I sent him a brief email saying a had a great time, and I wished him a wonderful 2008, and thanked him for a present he got me. Did I do the righ thing? Is there a chance? Do you think he will email or respond?
VictorM's advice:
It's always hard to determine what "too strong" is. It varies by individual. One thing I will say: I seldom get the same question submitted to me on back to back days. You just did it. So maybe it's not a matter of you being intimidated; maybe you are a wee bit impatient?
Anyway, there's a good chance he will reply out of courtesy. The odds of you surviving a "coming on too strong"charge, however, are not as good. Chances are that you come across as generally aggressive to types like him even without you knowing what makes it so. It's not something you can or should change. There are many guys who'll love your determination.
Husband
Submitted on Thursday, January 03, 2008
By krissy, 20, from new york city:
How can I tell if my husband wants to break up with me? How can I tell if my husband wants to have sex with other women?
VictorM's answer:
You'll know he wants to break-up when he does it. But if you have to ask, clearly something is not going well. But guys can be pretty lazy. Dissatisfaction with the marriage can drag on and on before he does anything about it.
Oh he wants to have sex with other women. All guys want to have sex with other women. But that doesn't mean they all do.
By krissy, 20, from new york city:
How can I tell if my husband wants to break up with me? How can I tell if my husband wants to have sex with other women?
VictorM's answer:
You'll know he wants to break-up when he does it. But if you have to ask, clearly something is not going well. But guys can be pretty lazy. Dissatisfaction with the marriage can drag on and on before he does anything about it.
Oh he wants to have sex with other women. All guys want to have sex with other women. But that doesn't mean they all do.
We flirt all the time but it is always ALL talk
Submitted on Thursday, January 03, 2008
By Hayley, 23, from CA:
Ok I have this friend Terry (26). He is a very good friend and we always have fun hanging out. And yes I do have a crush on him. We flirt all the time but it is always ALL talk. We can about literally anything. I can talk about guys and he won’t bad mouth them and it is the same when he talks about girls. Sure of course there is a twinge of jealousy when someone tries to get in the picture, but I don’t do anything about it. That is just not right. I want him to be happy. I know I have to give it time if it is meant for me and him. Sometimes I feel that it is right there in front of us but neither one of us see it. Well I thought I would make a little effort on New Years eve. My friends and I were out bowling having a lot of fun. I thought it would be cute and bought this cheesy mistletoe. Last day out of the year to get away with something like that. My friends got a kick out of it. (FYI I am sober throughout this whole thing) I also ran into Terry at the alley too and said he was going to have some people over at his house and that me and my friends were invited to come along. Well I wanted to get there before midnight but my friends just took a little longer then I wanted them too. We got there just a matter of minutes afterwards when everyone is rushing outside to light off the firecrackers. I wanted to wish Terry a happy new year, just was a little too hard with so many people around. I finally was able to stop him in the kitchen and I had the mistletoe. I thought it was a clever little trick to be able to kiss him. And it did work; also that it was new years too. I felt very proud of myself too, that I took a little initiative. And we went on with the evening like nothing had happen.
Well.... turns out, there was a girl that I didn't know that was kind of with him. She was almost always around him. At first I figured it was one of these young little girls (teenagers) that do have a tendency to follow him around since he is attractive. Well that was until I saw them sitting on the couch holding hands and cuddling. I felt like such a fool. If I had known they were together that night I respectfully would not have tried anything. I know when to not step on toes even when it does happen to me. So I mentally tell myself, “ok I have to back off, and let it be.” So the next night I am at our Tuesday karaoke Night which we always go to. Terry is there and the girl wasn’t. But we didn’t do anything out the ordinary. We still continued to banter and flirt back and forth like nothing was different, because it wasn’t. I few of us went up to his house since it was up the street. While most were down stairs, I was alone with Terry upstairs and we were talking and I made the effort to apologize for the night before for kissing him not knowing he was technically there with someone. He told me not to be, since they weren’t actually together and the girl ( her name was Jenny, 20 years old) was very needy, moving too fast and that she lived in Sacramento and had come up to see him for the night. Also said that he thought it was very cute and that he had liked the kiss.
Now what I need to know is what should I do about this? Should I just let things take their course? Should I forget about it? Am I in the right to be feeling like this? This has never happen between us. He is always telling me about these girls that like him but he doesn’t really want to start anything with them, since his last relationship really hurt him, but then he is looking for Mrs. Right and not Miss right now. And he does tell this to the girls and they seem to kind of leave the picture, not even wanting to be a friend, yet I know well enough to keep being his friend. You think he is trying to tell me something and I am not taking it in all the way? I don’t really think he is trying to play me because he does look out for me and has not tried anything. I know this is very silly but it is still something on my mind. Any advice would be great. Thanks for making it through all this.
VictorM's advice:
It's impossible to know what he's thinking, but we all know what you're thinking, so it's up to you to change your behavior if you want him to see you as more than a friend. Of course, if you come on too strong you'll be labeled needy, something you want to avoid. So, what to do?
My answer to these situations is basically always the same: if you want him to think of you as more than a friend, start acting as more than a friend. So... feel some jealousy? Show it without drama. Want the flirting to be more than just talk? When you're alone, dress sexier, stand a little closer, light touch him more, hold your stare a little longer... and for crying out loud STOP TALKING ABOUT OTHER GUYS!
Ok I have this friend Terry (26). He is a very good friend and we always have fun hanging out. And yes I do have a crush on him. We flirt all the time but it is always ALL talk. We can about literally anything. I can talk about guys and he won’t bad mouth them and it is the same when he talks about girls. Sure of course there is a twinge of jealousy when someone tries to get in the picture, but I don’t do anything about it. That is just not right. I want him to be happy. I know I have to give it time if it is meant for me and him. Sometimes I feel that it is right there in front of us but neither one of us see it. Well I thought I would make a little effort on New Years eve. My friends and I were out bowling having a lot of fun. I thought it would be cute and bought this cheesy mistletoe. Last day out of the year to get away with something like that. My friends got a kick out of it. (FYI I am sober throughout this whole thing) I also ran into Terry at the alley too and said he was going to have some people over at his house and that me and my friends were invited to come along. Well I wanted to get there before midnight but my friends just took a little longer then I wanted them too. We got there just a matter of minutes afterwards when everyone is rushing outside to light off the firecrackers. I wanted to wish Terry a happy new year, just was a little too hard with so many people around. I finally was able to stop him in the kitchen and I had the mistletoe. I thought it was a clever little trick to be able to kiss him. And it did work; also that it was new years too. I felt very proud of myself too, that I took a little initiative. And we went on with the evening like nothing had happen.
Well.... turns out, there was a girl that I didn't know that was kind of with him. She was almost always around him. At first I figured it was one of these young little girls (teenagers) that do have a tendency to follow him around since he is attractive. Well that was until I saw them sitting on the couch holding hands and cuddling. I felt like such a fool. If I had known they were together that night I respectfully would not have tried anything. I know when to not step on toes even when it does happen to me. So I mentally tell myself, “ok I have to back off, and let it be.” So the next night I am at our Tuesday karaoke Night which we always go to. Terry is there and the girl wasn’t. But we didn’t do anything out the ordinary. We still continued to banter and flirt back and forth like nothing was different, because it wasn’t. I few of us went up to his house since it was up the street. While most were down stairs, I was alone with Terry upstairs and we were talking and I made the effort to apologize for the night before for kissing him not knowing he was technically there with someone. He told me not to be, since they weren’t actually together and the girl ( her name was Jenny, 20 years old) was very needy, moving too fast and that she lived in Sacramento and had come up to see him for the night. Also said that he thought it was very cute and that he had liked the kiss.
Now what I need to know is what should I do about this? Should I just let things take their course? Should I forget about it? Am I in the right to be feeling like this? This has never happen between us. He is always telling me about these girls that like him but he doesn’t really want to start anything with them, since his last relationship really hurt him, but then he is looking for Mrs. Right and not Miss right now. And he does tell this to the girls and they seem to kind of leave the picture, not even wanting to be a friend, yet I know well enough to keep being his friend. You think he is trying to tell me something and I am not taking it in all the way? I don’t really think he is trying to play me because he does look out for me and has not tried anything. I know this is very silly but it is still something on my mind. Any advice would be great. Thanks for making it through all this.
VictorM's advice:
It's impossible to know what he's thinking, but we all know what you're thinking, so it's up to you to change your behavior if you want him to see you as more than a friend. Of course, if you come on too strong you'll be labeled needy, something you want to avoid. So, what to do?
My answer to these situations is basically always the same: if you want him to think of you as more than a friend, start acting as more than a friend. So... feel some jealousy? Show it without drama. Want the flirting to be more than just talk? When you're alone, dress sexier, stand a little closer, light touch him more, hold your stare a little longer... and for crying out loud STOP TALKING ABOUT OTHER GUYS!
I think I'm just the girl on the side
Submitted on Thursday, January 03, 2008
By Brittany, 19, from jersey:
hey I'm back again. LOL. So with my best guy friend - we haven't hung out since 3 weeks ago!! The last time we hung out, we were in my room, he was grabbing my thigh in a flirty way, then touched under my chin and was being all cute, and he gave me about 7 hugs in that one night. lol and when he was leaving, he gave me a last hug- then looked at me, sighed, then left. What the hell? And now we haven't hung out for about 3 weeks. He's been distant- and he says it's something he's going through like people are bothering him, but I don't deserve to get his asshole end of it- YET he's been hanging out with his ex girlfriend, and this girl who screwed him over and he doesn't have any time for me. I even told him I felt we weren't as close anymore and he just kept saying it was both of us being stubborn, but he wants to fix it, but I'm tired of always being there when he gets over his moods. But I think I'm just the girl on the side- that he can flirt and lead on when he's bored of the other girls. Am I over reacting since we're just friends? Or no, since everything he shows me hints to wanting more then friends? You even said yourself it seems he likes me but aghhh idk if I should give space so maybe things will just work out? or .. idk help..? =(
VictorM's advice:
Welcome back Brittany.
You can never compare, in terms of attention, with girls he has romantic or sexual feelings for. They are always going to come first, which is why the types of friendships you describe don't usually hold up. It's either you become a couple or you fade away.
He likes you but: 1) he likes you merely as a friend, or 2) he likes you as more than a friend but doesn't feel the drama is worth it. What about the touching and the sigh? Look, a guy can get turned out leaning against a telephone pole, much less a real life 19 year old girl he finds attractive. So, naturally, he's going to do touch you and he's going to get aroused. His sigh, which you interpreted as some kind of a sign, was just sexual frustration. He had a hard-on and no place to put it. That's the sigh!
There is no mixed signals, Brittany. He's a guy. He's your friend. He's after girls to poke. You're not one of them. But hey, if he can cop a feel here and there, why not? After all, you're a girl, you got boobs, right?
By Brittany, 19, from jersey:
hey I'm back again. LOL. So with my best guy friend - we haven't hung out since 3 weeks ago!! The last time we hung out, we were in my room, he was grabbing my thigh in a flirty way, then touched under my chin and was being all cute, and he gave me about 7 hugs in that one night. lol and when he was leaving, he gave me a last hug- then looked at me, sighed, then left. What the hell? And now we haven't hung out for about 3 weeks. He's been distant- and he says it's something he's going through like people are bothering him, but I don't deserve to get his asshole end of it- YET he's been hanging out with his ex girlfriend, and this girl who screwed him over and he doesn't have any time for me. I even told him I felt we weren't as close anymore and he just kept saying it was both of us being stubborn, but he wants to fix it, but I'm tired of always being there when he gets over his moods. But I think I'm just the girl on the side- that he can flirt and lead on when he's bored of the other girls. Am I over reacting since we're just friends? Or no, since everything he shows me hints to wanting more then friends? You even said yourself it seems he likes me but aghhh idk if I should give space so maybe things will just work out? or .. idk help..? =(
VictorM's advice:
Welcome back Brittany.
You can never compare, in terms of attention, with girls he has romantic or sexual feelings for. They are always going to come first, which is why the types of friendships you describe don't usually hold up. It's either you become a couple or you fade away.
He likes you but: 1) he likes you merely as a friend, or 2) he likes you as more than a friend but doesn't feel the drama is worth it. What about the touching and the sigh? Look, a guy can get turned out leaning against a telephone pole, much less a real life 19 year old girl he finds attractive. So, naturally, he's going to do touch you and he's going to get aroused. His sigh, which you interpreted as some kind of a sign, was just sexual frustration. He had a hard-on and no place to put it. That's the sigh!
There is no mixed signals, Brittany. He's a guy. He's your friend. He's after girls to poke. You're not one of them. But hey, if he can cop a feel here and there, why not? After all, you're a girl, you got boobs, right?
Thursday, January 03, 2008
It didn't take him long before injecting his sperm in me
Submitted on Thursday, January 03, 2008
By jess, 22, from West Midlands:
I met a guy 2 years ago. We were seeing each other for 3-4 months before he went away. He didn't want anything serious because he had a girlfriend at the time. Anyway they split and I got involved with someone else for approximately 1 year. We didn't last because of him. 6 months after splitting with my ex I gained contact with the 1st guy, we've been seeing each other since June, he has no one else, he doesn't like me talking about or wants to see me with another guy, but it's ok for him to talk about other girls. I really like him but he still says he doesn't want anything serious. I keep telling him to keep away from me cause I don't want to get hurt, but he keeps phoning, coming over, treating me, and giving me sex. I'm really fed up and don't want this guy in my life unless he wants to be my boyfriend. I even asked him for a baby before christmas, it didn't take him long before injecting his sperm in me. What do I do? What is he after? Is he confused? Is he playing games? How does he really feel about me? Is he being for real? So many questions I ask myself. Please give me good easy advice.
VictorM's advice:
Good easy advice? Um... I have no idea where to begin.
You said he keeps giving you sex. How does he do that? I mean, do you consent to it? I'm assuming you do. Well, that's what he's after, that much seems pretty obvious.
I don't know what to tell you. You seem to live life according to rules I don't follow, including going out with a guy that already has a girlfriend, getting injected with sperm like it's Botox, subjecting yourself to a guy who isn't even your boyfriend, and asking for a baby like it's a Christmas present.
I'm assuming this guy is an equal piece of work.
I have nothing. No idea what to tell you because nothing I can think of would make any difference.
By jess, 22, from West Midlands:
I met a guy 2 years ago. We were seeing each other for 3-4 months before he went away. He didn't want anything serious because he had a girlfriend at the time. Anyway they split and I got involved with someone else for approximately 1 year. We didn't last because of him. 6 months after splitting with my ex I gained contact with the 1st guy, we've been seeing each other since June, he has no one else, he doesn't like me talking about or wants to see me with another guy, but it's ok for him to talk about other girls. I really like him but he still says he doesn't want anything serious. I keep telling him to keep away from me cause I don't want to get hurt, but he keeps phoning, coming over, treating me, and giving me sex. I'm really fed up and don't want this guy in my life unless he wants to be my boyfriend. I even asked him for a baby before christmas, it didn't take him long before injecting his sperm in me. What do I do? What is he after? Is he confused? Is he playing games? How does he really feel about me? Is he being for real? So many questions I ask myself. Please give me good easy advice.
VictorM's advice:
Good easy advice? Um... I have no idea where to begin.
You said he keeps giving you sex. How does he do that? I mean, do you consent to it? I'm assuming you do. Well, that's what he's after, that much seems pretty obvious.
I don't know what to tell you. You seem to live life according to rules I don't follow, including going out with a guy that already has a girlfriend, getting injected with sperm like it's Botox, subjecting yourself to a guy who isn't even your boyfriend, and asking for a baby like it's a Christmas present.
I'm assuming this guy is an equal piece of work.
I have nothing. No idea what to tell you because nothing I can think of would make any difference.
He's kissed my friend before
Submitted on Thursday, January 03, 2008
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
hi, I've just met a guy through a friend but the two of them have had a kiss before. I like him so far as we have only been texting all week, we are going out on Friday, he's taking me to dinner and a movie and he's getting new clothes as he says I'm way out his league and he wants to make an impression. He's cute and it looks good and he's already talking about further dates and I'm just a bit hesitant as he's kissed my friend before.
VictorM's advice:
What's the problem, does she have cooties? Herpes? Gangrene on her lips? Did she bite his lips off? What happened when they kissed? Cause unless something drastic happened I don't understand the problem.
Oh, unless this is one of those female silly rules about how you're not suppose to date him now because *gasp* they kissed once. *rolls eyes*
PS. By the way... where have you been? I hadn't heard from you in several... hours. :)
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
hi, I've just met a guy through a friend but the two of them have had a kiss before. I like him so far as we have only been texting all week, we are going out on Friday, he's taking me to dinner and a movie and he's getting new clothes as he says I'm way out his league and he wants to make an impression. He's cute and it looks good and he's already talking about further dates and I'm just a bit hesitant as he's kissed my friend before.
VictorM's advice:
What's the problem, does she have cooties? Herpes? Gangrene on her lips? Did she bite his lips off? What happened when they kissed? Cause unless something drastic happened I don't understand the problem.
Oh, unless this is one of those female silly rules about how you're not suppose to date him now because *gasp* they kissed once. *rolls eyes*
PS. By the way... where have you been? I hadn't heard from you in several... hours. :)
My wife cheating
Submitted on Wednesday, January 02, 2008
By ip freely, 30, from south spring:
My wife is cheating and has someone on the side. It's her boss.
VictorM's answer:
Sorry to hear it.
I hope she gets a nice raise.
Next time you talk to her boss tell him how bad your HIV virus has gotten.
By ip freely, 30, from south spring:
My wife is cheating and has someone on the side. It's her boss.
VictorM's answer:
Sorry to hear it.
I hope she gets a nice raise.
Next time you talk to her boss tell him how bad your HIV virus has gotten.
She's getting hurt more by the day
Submitted on Wednesday, January 02, 2008
By Kay, 16:
A friend of mine (Jess) is going out with this guy named Andrew. They've been going out for about 5 months but then broke up, and got back together a week later. Its been about another month and a half and he hasn't been treating her well. He barely replies to texts, he hasn't talked to her at night like they usually do, and doesn't explain why. One night, I was with Jess and he replied to my texts even though I don't know him well and didn't reply to Jess. She's getting hurt more by the day, but she likes him so much, but he's changing a lot. He has a bad temper too, and gets mad at little things, calls her names, and then makes up but she is still hurt. I don't want her hurt anymore, but how do I explain to her that he isn't treating her right and that maybe they should break up, without her thinking ridiculous assumptions such as me liking him or something?
VictorM's advice:
Kay, butt out of her love life. It's none of your business and not wise for you to interfere. Be there to support her if and when she breaks up, but other than that, stay out of it.
Hurting over love is part of growing up. Some things people have to experience things for themselves for it to sink in. The other part of this is that you're only seeing the hurt. But obviously there's some pleasure there too. She's getting something out of it, even if you can't see it.
By Kay, 16:
A friend of mine (Jess) is going out with this guy named Andrew. They've been going out for about 5 months but then broke up, and got back together a week later. Its been about another month and a half and he hasn't been treating her well. He barely replies to texts, he hasn't talked to her at night like they usually do, and doesn't explain why. One night, I was with Jess and he replied to my texts even though I don't know him well and didn't reply to Jess. She's getting hurt more by the day, but she likes him so much, but he's changing a lot. He has a bad temper too, and gets mad at little things, calls her names, and then makes up but she is still hurt. I don't want her hurt anymore, but how do I explain to her that he isn't treating her right and that maybe they should break up, without her thinking ridiculous assumptions such as me liking him or something?
VictorM's advice:
Kay, butt out of her love life. It's none of your business and not wise for you to interfere. Be there to support her if and when she breaks up, but other than that, stay out of it.
Hurting over love is part of growing up. Some things people have to experience things for themselves for it to sink in. The other part of this is that you're only seeing the hurt. But obviously there's some pleasure there too. She's getting something out of it, even if you can't see it.
He had a one night stand
Submitted on Wednesday, January 02, 2008
By Linda, 40, from NC:
Hi Victor! I have a question. I have been dating a man for about 8 months now. We broke up a few months in between the 8 months because he had a one night stand with some one that I found out about. I put an end to the relationship at that time. A couple of months after we last spoke we ended up talking and eventually getting back together. I came to find out that the woman he had the one night stand with is on his Instant Messaging list and she continually tries to contact him. Although he does not respond to her messages he has never informed her that we are back together and committed to the relationship we are in. He says the reason he has not done so is because he does not communicate with her and that she does not take a hint very well that he is not responding. Is there a reason why he is A) not telling her to back off? B) At the very least blocking and removing her from his messenger list?
By the way..he is in his late 40's..not a kid!
VictorM's answer:
Looking at it with a positive spin, I suppose he doesn't see her as the "bad guy" in this whole mess and has no intention of being rude to her. He's not answering her PMs hoping that she gets the hint, but otherwise, no harm, no foul.
Of course, I think a more cynical view of this is that he doesn't want to burn any bridges with her. She put out once, she'll put out again if and when the opportunity arises.
My take: cheating need not be the end of it all, but the cheater better go wayyy out of the way to make amends, demonstrate it was a big mistake, and stop at nothing to makeup for it. Your guy just isn't doing that.
By Linda, 40, from NC:
Hi Victor! I have a question. I have been dating a man for about 8 months now. We broke up a few months in between the 8 months because he had a one night stand with some one that I found out about. I put an end to the relationship at that time. A couple of months after we last spoke we ended up talking and eventually getting back together. I came to find out that the woman he had the one night stand with is on his Instant Messaging list and she continually tries to contact him. Although he does not respond to her messages he has never informed her that we are back together and committed to the relationship we are in. He says the reason he has not done so is because he does not communicate with her and that she does not take a hint very well that he is not responding. Is there a reason why he is A) not telling her to back off? B) At the very least blocking and removing her from his messenger list?
By the way..he is in his late 40's..not a kid!
VictorM's answer:
Looking at it with a positive spin, I suppose he doesn't see her as the "bad guy" in this whole mess and has no intention of being rude to her. He's not answering her PMs hoping that she gets the hint, but otherwise, no harm, no foul.
Of course, I think a more cynical view of this is that he doesn't want to burn any bridges with her. She put out once, she'll put out again if and when the opportunity arises.
My take: cheating need not be the end of it all, but the cheater better go wayyy out of the way to make amends, demonstrate it was a big mistake, and stop at nothing to makeup for it. Your guy just isn't doing that.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Wait before having sex with a man
Submitted on Wednesday, January 02, 2008
By me, 34, from earth:
You say often that it is best for women to wait before having sex with a man. I agree. How long should she wait? What are the things she should look for as far as his level of interest/attachment?
VictorM's advice:
It is true that I say that, but before I answer you I want to make it clear that my reasons have nothing at all to do with the "place of women in society" or because men will think you're not a "nice girl".
Girls see a man as nice, kind, funny, intelligent, etc. and think of him as serious material very soon after; guys look at you and think "great boobs!" While right away you start thinking what color your bridesmaids will wear, the guy is wondering if you shave down there. In other words, females take very little time to consider if a guy is husband material but a guy takes a lot longer to get to know you enough to realize that you're a lot more than pretty legs and perky tits.
There are two possible consequences to consider here:
If he reaches his immediate goals without the time it takes to know you better, he's more likely to skip town since he has not yet developed emotional roots for you. It's a lot easier to leave a "piece of ass" than a girl who has "mom-like" potential.
The other thing is that many guys start feeling the "relationship pressure" once they're into sex. What starts as fun turns into an obligation. So again, if a guy has not developed emotional roots, it's easy for him to leave rather than to feel trapped.
So how much time should you wait? I have no time period. It should be as long as it takes for him to develop the emotional roots I talked about. Could be one week to one guy, six months to another. It's hard to tell. You just have to judge yourself how into you a guy is, but you should wait past the period of infatuation. That is, if he's too much into you, wait. Guys can't be "romance novel perfect lovers" for too long. Once they start coming back to reality, that's when the clock should start.
Of course, you can roll the dice, hop in bed with the guy, and hope it all works out in the long run. Sometimes, it turns out OK.
By me, 34, from earth:
You say often that it is best for women to wait before having sex with a man. I agree. How long should she wait? What are the things she should look for as far as his level of interest/attachment?
VictorM's advice:
It is true that I say that, but before I answer you I want to make it clear that my reasons have nothing at all to do with the "place of women in society" or because men will think you're not a "nice girl".
Girls see a man as nice, kind, funny, intelligent, etc. and think of him as serious material very soon after; guys look at you and think "great boobs!" While right away you start thinking what color your bridesmaids will wear, the guy is wondering if you shave down there. In other words, females take very little time to consider if a guy is husband material but a guy takes a lot longer to get to know you enough to realize that you're a lot more than pretty legs and perky tits.
There are two possible consequences to consider here:
If he reaches his immediate goals without the time it takes to know you better, he's more likely to skip town since he has not yet developed emotional roots for you. It's a lot easier to leave a "piece of ass" than a girl who has "mom-like" potential.
The other thing is that many guys start feeling the "relationship pressure" once they're into sex. What starts as fun turns into an obligation. So again, if a guy has not developed emotional roots, it's easy for him to leave rather than to feel trapped.
So how much time should you wait? I have no time period. It should be as long as it takes for him to develop the emotional roots I talked about. Could be one week to one guy, six months to another. It's hard to tell. You just have to judge yourself how into you a guy is, but you should wait past the period of infatuation. That is, if he's too much into you, wait. Guys can't be "romance novel perfect lovers" for too long. Once they start coming back to reality, that's when the clock should start.
Of course, you can roll the dice, hop in bed with the guy, and hope it all works out in the long run. Sometimes, it turns out OK.
I got embroiled in a rather embarassing situation
Submitted on Wednesday, January 02, 2008
By Tara, 26, from Manchester:
To cut a long story short, I got embroiled in a rather embarassing situation. I was seeing this guy and due to some miscommunication and differences, we ended up just being friends (more his decision than mine but with my agreement). I called him out for drinks one day because I had been very stressed at work. We had a slight tiff because I asked him if he had been dating my friend while dating me, which wasn't true, but he did admit he thought she was very attractive and he didn't know what would happen. He also got mad because he found out that our mutual friends had been telling me when they saw them out together (not on a date). It ended up with me getting drunk and very clingy, telling him that I made a mistake and that we should try it again, and acting a little crazy when he wanted me to go home. After that he cut off all contact with me, deleted me from his messenger etc. I was absolutely crushed and humiliated because even though I was upset about us, it really was the alcohol talking that night. I wanted to apologize for acting like a fool but all my friends advised against getting in contact in case I came across like a stalker. However on New Year's Day, he texted to say happy new year and best wishes for 2008. I know it wasn't a mass text because he wrote my name.
What does this mean? Is he feeling guilty, just trying to be nice, or is he thinking about me and starting to miss me? Should I act friendly the next time I see him now or still keep remembering how hurtful it was when he blocked all contact from me?
VictorM's advice:
The alcohol freed you to speak your mind, but it didn't make you lie. He knows that. He blocked you because he was not interested in a reconciliation. And frankly, why should he be? You sounded pretty obnoxious even before the alcohol kicked in.
His New Year's greeting is just social politeness. Accept it as a nice gesture and a reason to behave nicely next time you see him, but if you're reading any more into it than that, you better drink heavily so you have an excuse for being our of your mind.
I know... I know... I sound harsh with you, but something tells me you don't do subtle very well.
By Tara, 26, from Manchester:
To cut a long story short, I got embroiled in a rather embarassing situation. I was seeing this guy and due to some miscommunication and differences, we ended up just being friends (more his decision than mine but with my agreement). I called him out for drinks one day because I had been very stressed at work. We had a slight tiff because I asked him if he had been dating my friend while dating me, which wasn't true, but he did admit he thought she was very attractive and he didn't know what would happen. He also got mad because he found out that our mutual friends had been telling me when they saw them out together (not on a date). It ended up with me getting drunk and very clingy, telling him that I made a mistake and that we should try it again, and acting a little crazy when he wanted me to go home. After that he cut off all contact with me, deleted me from his messenger etc. I was absolutely crushed and humiliated because even though I was upset about us, it really was the alcohol talking that night. I wanted to apologize for acting like a fool but all my friends advised against getting in contact in case I came across like a stalker. However on New Year's Day, he texted to say happy new year and best wishes for 2008. I know it wasn't a mass text because he wrote my name.
What does this mean? Is he feeling guilty, just trying to be nice, or is he thinking about me and starting to miss me? Should I act friendly the next time I see him now or still keep remembering how hurtful it was when he blocked all contact from me?
VictorM's advice:
The alcohol freed you to speak your mind, but it didn't make you lie. He knows that. He blocked you because he was not interested in a reconciliation. And frankly, why should he be? You sounded pretty obnoxious even before the alcohol kicked in.
His New Year's greeting is just social politeness. Accept it as a nice gesture and a reason to behave nicely next time you see him, but if you're reading any more into it than that, you better drink heavily so you have an excuse for being our of your mind.
I know... I know... I sound harsh with you, but something tells me you don't do subtle very well.
Confidential to Annonymous
Yes, it sounds like you're wasting your time, but mostly, it sounds to me that you're focusing on a "maybe" type guy at the expense of finding someone who doesn't carry the same baggage.
The situation you described with his friends and the company involved sure sounds suspicious. And the public displays of pictures when he knows you have access to them sounds either utter naiveté or he's sending a message. Either way, doesn't bode well for you. But even without proof of anything wrong, you can't discount your gut feelings and above all, what this whole drama does to you. Why continue to put yourself through that uncertainty?
You don't have to cut him off if you don't want to. But you should consider other possibilities and follow them. After all, it's true that if you're not his girlfriend, he's not your boyfriend either; you're as free as he is to hang out with friends and "friends".
You're investing too much energy and hope on a very iffy possibility. Take advantage of that male attention you're getting and don't put all your eggs in one basket.
The situation you described with his friends and the company involved sure sounds suspicious. And the public displays of pictures when he knows you have access to them sounds either utter naiveté or he's sending a message. Either way, doesn't bode well for you. But even without proof of anything wrong, you can't discount your gut feelings and above all, what this whole drama does to you. Why continue to put yourself through that uncertainty?
You don't have to cut him off if you don't want to. But you should consider other possibilities and follow them. After all, it's true that if you're not his girlfriend, he's not your boyfriend either; you're as free as he is to hang out with friends and "friends".
You're investing too much energy and hope on a very iffy possibility. Take advantage of that male attention you're getting and don't put all your eggs in one basket.
She made him wait outside
Submitted on Tuesday, January 01, 2008
By Nathalie, 30, from New York, NY:
About about brunch guy - still abroad:
We spoke the night before NYE for about 20 minutes and then the next day a couple of times during night starting at 9pm because we wanted to see where each would be. He was going to a family friend's party and then wanted to head out to town after. I was having family dinner and then heading out. We just didn't confirm where so we agreed to keep each other informed.
I went to one place and then switched to another as some friends were there. And I sent him a text to let him know. He didn't respond, so I wasn't sure if he was coming etc. I assumed not. Soon after I got there, I got a message from him saying he was there. The place is packed like sardine can and has dancing. I know he hates the place b/c we went there once together and we spent time there only outside.
I was having fun drinking champagne in back with my friends so I texted him. I didn't budge because I assumed he would come back and find us. Then 25 min later he says he is outside. So I take my time and then my friends told me to go outside. I assumed he might be there a bit and when I call him when I am outside he says he is already walking to car and then leaving. So I first just told him that is really sad since we are in strange place. Then I called again later and he didn't answer (by this time it was 3am).
Would you be ticked if you were him or how would you read this? What's up with his behavior and how should I treat it?
VictorM's advice:
I'm not even the guy, I'm generally calm and patient, and even I'm pissed!
You were at a club, you texted him to invite him over, you know the guy doesn't even like the place but he comes to meet you anyway, the place is packed (meaning, it's harder for him to find you inside than for you to find him outside), and you take your time to go outside to meet him and you went only after your friends told you to?
If he's just ticked, he's a far better man than I am. I would be furious, fuming, angry, pissed and frankly, you'd be off my list as a friend, much less as a romance interest. Of course he doesn't know the part about you only going outside because your friends told you to, so you may still have an out with him.
But seriously, Nathalie, what the heck were you thinking? Why didn't you go outside the moment you knew he was there?
About about brunch guy - still abroad:
We spoke the night before NYE for about 20 minutes and then the next day a couple of times during night starting at 9pm because we wanted to see where each would be. He was going to a family friend's party and then wanted to head out to town after. I was having family dinner and then heading out. We just didn't confirm where so we agreed to keep each other informed.
I went to one place and then switched to another as some friends were there. And I sent him a text to let him know. He didn't respond, so I wasn't sure if he was coming etc. I assumed not. Soon after I got there, I got a message from him saying he was there. The place is packed like sardine can and has dancing. I know he hates the place b/c we went there once together and we spent time there only outside.
I was having fun drinking champagne in back with my friends so I texted him. I didn't budge because I assumed he would come back and find us. Then 25 min later he says he is outside. So I take my time and then my friends told me to go outside. I assumed he might be there a bit and when I call him when I am outside he says he is already walking to car and then leaving. So I first just told him that is really sad since we are in strange place. Then I called again later and he didn't answer (by this time it was 3am).
Would you be ticked if you were him or how would you read this? What's up with his behavior and how should I treat it?
VictorM's advice:
I'm not even the guy, I'm generally calm and patient, and even I'm pissed!
You were at a club, you texted him to invite him over, you know the guy doesn't even like the place but he comes to meet you anyway, the place is packed (meaning, it's harder for him to find you inside than for you to find him outside), and you take your time to go outside to meet him and you went only after your friends told you to?
If he's just ticked, he's a far better man than I am. I would be furious, fuming, angry, pissed and frankly, you'd be off my list as a friend, much less as a romance interest. Of course he doesn't know the part about you only going outside because your friends told you to, so you may still have an out with him.
But seriously, Nathalie, what the heck were you thinking? Why didn't you go outside the moment you knew he was there?
Flirty coworker
Submitted on Tuesday, January 01, 2008
By stacey, 21, from Saskatchewan:
Alright I work with this guy who I've liked for a long time. And I'm just wondering if he likes me back. My coworkers and friends say that he does but I don't know I believe he does. He is a flirtacious guy anyways so he does flirt with me alot. He is a very confident guy, he's not embarassed easily.He's always staring at me and joking and teasing me. If I catch him staring at me we get into these long 3 minute staring competitions. I usually turn away blusing and all he does is smile. He insults me but appolizes right away if he thinks he hurt me. He even gave me a nickname that everyone calls me now. Sometimes when I am prepping food in the back at work he'll come up right beside me and just stare at me and smile and ask what I'm doing. He also show's off alot, he tries to get my attention by being loud and doing funny things. Revently my friend has gotten a crush on him as well. We both text him saying things like Hey sexy thing and stuff like that. He didn't know it was us until the next day. That day my crush came up to me and asked me if my friend liked him because she was flirting with him. I said yes and he said that he liked her as just a friend. What I don't understand is I flirt with him too. He's lost alot of weight lately and I told him that he lost alot of weight and looked good, he blushed and said thanks. My friend told him the same thing and he said thanks and don't ask me out. So if he hasn't said anything about not asking him out to me does that mean that he likes me. He knows I flirt with him does that mean he likes me at all.
stacey
VictorM's answer:
Of course he likes you, but, does he like you enough to go out with you? I can't say. I will say that the flirting by itself means nothing.
Guys will flirt for a variety of reasons, including: just to pass the time, because they get a reaction from the female (in your case, that's oblivious), because it strokes their ego, or because flirting is just fun.
That he was more direct with your friend may just mean that he was willing to say something to her even if it hurt her feelings (or maybe he was joking, in a reverse psychology sort of way) because he doesn't have to work with her.
If he's such a confident guy, chances are that he will move beyond flirting if he's interested in dating you, however, if things remain as they are now, he may just like to flirt. Unless and until you get to see him outside of work, you really can't take the flirting as a serious indication of anything other than he likes to flirt.
By stacey, 21, from Saskatchewan:
Alright I work with this guy who I've liked for a long time. And I'm just wondering if he likes me back. My coworkers and friends say that he does but I don't know I believe he does. He is a flirtacious guy anyways so he does flirt with me alot. He is a very confident guy, he's not embarassed easily.He's always staring at me and joking and teasing me. If I catch him staring at me we get into these long 3 minute staring competitions. I usually turn away blusing and all he does is smile. He insults me but appolizes right away if he thinks he hurt me. He even gave me a nickname that everyone calls me now. Sometimes when I am prepping food in the back at work he'll come up right beside me and just stare at me and smile and ask what I'm doing. He also show's off alot, he tries to get my attention by being loud and doing funny things. Revently my friend has gotten a crush on him as well. We both text him saying things like Hey sexy thing and stuff like that. He didn't know it was us until the next day. That day my crush came up to me and asked me if my friend liked him because she was flirting with him. I said yes and he said that he liked her as just a friend. What I don't understand is I flirt with him too. He's lost alot of weight lately and I told him that he lost alot of weight and looked good, he blushed and said thanks. My friend told him the same thing and he said thanks and don't ask me out. So if he hasn't said anything about not asking him out to me does that mean that he likes me. He knows I flirt with him does that mean he likes me at all.
stacey
VictorM's answer:
Of course he likes you, but, does he like you enough to go out with you? I can't say. I will say that the flirting by itself means nothing.
Guys will flirt for a variety of reasons, including: just to pass the time, because they get a reaction from the female (in your case, that's oblivious), because it strokes their ego, or because flirting is just fun.
That he was more direct with your friend may just mean that he was willing to say something to her even if it hurt her feelings (or maybe he was joking, in a reverse psychology sort of way) because he doesn't have to work with her.
If he's such a confident guy, chances are that he will move beyond flirting if he's interested in dating you, however, if things remain as they are now, he may just like to flirt. Unless and until you get to see him outside of work, you really can't take the flirting as a serious indication of anything other than he likes to flirt.
My boyfriend is a generous and helping guy but...
Submitted on Tuesday, January 01, 2008
By Sandra, 25, from Italy:
My boyfriend is a generous and helping guy but I observe that he usually gets into argument or fights when he hears bad against him. He gets small things anywhere that interests him. I don't feel good with that. Should I breakup with him?
VictorM's advice:
If he has a bad enough temper that you can't deal with it, and if he's not willing to work on it (with professional therapy), then yes, break-up with him.
Guys like him can, and often do, make life miserable to their partners. If you think that he will change for the better, think again. Not only is he more likely to get even crankier as he ages, he's likely to turn that temper on you, if he doesn't already.
People like him tend to be nice to other people more so than to loved ones. It's their way of getting people to like them.
"Generous and helping" just isn't enough when you're looking for a life long partner.
My boyfriend is a generous and helping guy but I observe that he usually gets into argument or fights when he hears bad against him. He gets small things anywhere that interests him. I don't feel good with that. Should I breakup with him?
VictorM's advice:
If he has a bad enough temper that you can't deal with it, and if he's not willing to work on it (with professional therapy), then yes, break-up with him.
Guys like him can, and often do, make life miserable to their partners. If you think that he will change for the better, think again. Not only is he more likely to get even crankier as he ages, he's likely to turn that temper on you, if he doesn't already.
People like him tend to be nice to other people more so than to loved ones. It's their way of getting people to like them.
"Generous and helping" just isn't enough when you're looking for a life long partner.
Tomboy or whatever
Submitted on Monday, December 31, 2007
By alex, 13, from mars:
Hi, I'm a kinda girl who is like a tomboy or whatever. I have a lot of guy friends who I hang out with. How do get any of them to like me? Plus, I used to have a boyfriend and we were more like friends than a couple. Why?
VictorM's advice:
The answer to both your questions is the same: boys are slower at thinking about girls than girls are at thinking about boys. Boys around your age are not as likely to think of romance, or if they do, they are still scared of it. They are just about now, or have recently, discovered that there's a little worm between their legs that gives then pleasure. Not only is it a fairly new discovery, but they don't quite know how to control it. Being near girls is a bit awkward to them. So, they either avoid you, or treat you more like a friend.
But be warned... this is going to change very soon. Just like Paul Atreides, you're going to have to be fighting off worms (or learning how to ride them) in your near future.
By alex, 13, from mars:
Hi, I'm a kinda girl who is like a tomboy or whatever. I have a lot of guy friends who I hang out with. How do get any of them to like me? Plus, I used to have a boyfriend and we were more like friends than a couple. Why?
VictorM's advice:
The answer to both your questions is the same: boys are slower at thinking about girls than girls are at thinking about boys. Boys around your age are not as likely to think of romance, or if they do, they are still scared of it. They are just about now, or have recently, discovered that there's a little worm between their legs that gives then pleasure. Not only is it a fairly new discovery, but they don't quite know how to control it. Being near girls is a bit awkward to them. So, they either avoid you, or treat you more like a friend.
But be warned... this is going to change very soon. Just like Paul Atreides, you're going to have to be fighting off worms (or learning how to ride them) in your near future.
