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Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The most unreliable person I have ever met
Submitted on Sunday, January 27, 2008
By Carla, 19, from Florida:
Okay, so my boyfriend and I have a great relationship . We have great chemistry when around each other, and when we argue we usually end it right then and there and let it die. However , my boyfirend is perhaps the most unreliable person I have ever met. He says he will call me and never does, or he says he is going to do something and never does. All I ask of him is to call me and let me know what's going on. Is that so hard? Why do guys have such a hard time with this?
Desperate.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it is hard to change.
That type of behavior is as difficult to change as it is to change temper, sense of humor, mood swings, confidence, self-esteem, shyness, procrastination, etc. Don't make light of how difficult these changes are, and you can't expect people to change just because something seems so easy to you.
Start by accepting that his "unreliability" is a product of his upbringing and personal experiences, not a reflection of his feelings or respect for you. In essence, he was this way before you came along, and he'll be this way if you leave, unless he seeks professional help to get to the bottom of why he is this way and what he needs to do to change.
Meanwhile, how can you deal with it, if you so choose?
Cut down or loosen up his obligations and reward him for good behavior. For example, if he was suppose to call you by 2 o'clock and at 3 o'clock he remembers, he's likely not to call at all because he knows he's already in the doghouse. He'll postpone being yelled at as much as he can instead of calling as soon as when he realizes it.
If calling you by a certain time is not important, don't give him a time frame. If you give him fewer opportunities to screw up, he'll screw up less.
And next time he calls you late, instead of telling him off, just say you're happy he called and act nicely. This behavior from you is more likely to get him to start calling you closer to the expected time than if you yell at him.
On the other hand, there are times you don't want to enable his behavior. For example, if he's suppose to meet you at 1 o'clock to go to the beach and he doesn't show up on time, take off after waiting a few minutes and go alone or call a friend. Don't stay there waiting for him. When you see him again, don't yell. Just say you figured he got tied up and you decided not to waste the afternoon.
By Carla, 19, from Florida:
Okay, so my boyfriend and I have a great relationship . We have great chemistry when around each other, and when we argue we usually end it right then and there and let it die. However , my boyfirend is perhaps the most unreliable person I have ever met. He says he will call me and never does, or he says he is going to do something and never does. All I ask of him is to call me and let me know what's going on. Is that so hard? Why do guys have such a hard time with this?
Desperate.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, it is hard to change.
That type of behavior is as difficult to change as it is to change temper, sense of humor, mood swings, confidence, self-esteem, shyness, procrastination, etc. Don't make light of how difficult these changes are, and you can't expect people to change just because something seems so easy to you.
Start by accepting that his "unreliability" is a product of his upbringing and personal experiences, not a reflection of his feelings or respect for you. In essence, he was this way before you came along, and he'll be this way if you leave, unless he seeks professional help to get to the bottom of why he is this way and what he needs to do to change.
Meanwhile, how can you deal with it, if you so choose?
Cut down or loosen up his obligations and reward him for good behavior. For example, if he was suppose to call you by 2 o'clock and at 3 o'clock he remembers, he's likely not to call at all because he knows he's already in the doghouse. He'll postpone being yelled at as much as he can instead of calling as soon as when he realizes it.
If calling you by a certain time is not important, don't give him a time frame. If you give him fewer opportunities to screw up, he'll screw up less.
And next time he calls you late, instead of telling him off, just say you're happy he called and act nicely. This behavior from you is more likely to get him to start calling you closer to the expected time than if you yell at him.
On the other hand, there are times you don't want to enable his behavior. For example, if he's suppose to meet you at 1 o'clock to go to the beach and he doesn't show up on time, take off after waiting a few minutes and go alone or call a friend. Don't stay there waiting for him. When you see him again, don't yell. Just say you figured he got tied up and you decided not to waste the afternoon.
We broke up right before school started
Submitted on Sunday, January 27, 2008
By Becca, 16, from Massachusetts:
My ex boyfriend Mike and I went out for about two months over the summer. We broke up right before school started because he lives in another town and we didn't think we'd see each other because he ALWAYS has soccer (he's playing in college). About 3 months after we broke up he got together with another girl. I was really hurt because I didn't understand why he all of a sudden had time for a girlfriend. I saw him about a month ago and he told me him and his girlfriend had broken up the night before because he didn't want a girlfriend in college so she just wanted to end it. Since then he ims me or calls ever couple days and we'll talk for hours. He's a truly nice guy and I don't think (or want to believe) he has bad intentions. Does he want me back or is he just playing with me?
VictorM's answer:
I'd say the answer is neither.
You two broke up once before, and he's made it clear he doesn't want a girlfriend. I'd assume he just wants friendship for now.
By Becca, 16, from Massachusetts:
My ex boyfriend Mike and I went out for about two months over the summer. We broke up right before school started because he lives in another town and we didn't think we'd see each other because he ALWAYS has soccer (he's playing in college). About 3 months after we broke up he got together with another girl. I was really hurt because I didn't understand why he all of a sudden had time for a girlfriend. I saw him about a month ago and he told me him and his girlfriend had broken up the night before because he didn't want a girlfriend in college so she just wanted to end it. Since then he ims me or calls ever couple days and we'll talk for hours. He's a truly nice guy and I don't think (or want to believe) he has bad intentions. Does he want me back or is he just playing with me?
VictorM's answer:
I'd say the answer is neither.
You two broke up once before, and he's made it clear he doesn't want a girlfriend. I'd assume he just wants friendship for now.
At least a week between each date
Submitted on Sunday, January 27, 2008
By Diane, 35, from Victoria:
I have recently started dating a guy that I have been friends with for the past two years. We have been out a few times for dinner or coffee dates but there is alway at least a week between each date. Is it because he is just not that interested in taking it any further or is it that he is just as nervous as I am?
PS About 6 months ago he ended a really bad 10 year on and off again relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he has some interest in you but it sounds like he's in no rush. Can't say that I blame him.
And there's nothing that says you're the only girl he's seeing at this time.
By Diane, 35, from Victoria:
I have recently started dating a guy that I have been friends with for the past two years. We have been out a few times for dinner or coffee dates but there is alway at least a week between each date. Is it because he is just not that interested in taking it any further or is it that he is just as nervous as I am?
PS About 6 months ago he ended a really bad 10 year on and off again relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he has some interest in you but it sounds like he's in no rush. Can't say that I blame him.
And there's nothing that says you're the only girl he's seeing at this time.
Everything was perfect
Submitted on Saturday, January 26, 2008
By Anonymous, 19, from missouri:
Does he want me back?
I was with this guy for about 2 years. Everything was perfect and we were even talking about marriage. About a year and a half into our relationship an old friend from high school started calling me. I had a lot of fun talking to him and decided to break up with my boyfriend for him. When we we were together all I could think of was my ex. I recently broke things off with him and I'm trying to get a second chance with my ex. The problem is I don't know if he wants to give me a second chance. He says he thinks we were meant to be together but also says it would be better if we were just friends from now on. We've been on one date since then that I thought went really well but it's been about 3 days since and he hasn't called me. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want you back. That's not to say he won't take you back, but if he does, it'll be a sign of weakness.
You left him even when according to you, things were perfect. I'm sure he's wondering what will happen when things aren't so good, as from time to time, it's likely to happen?
To your credit, at least you didn't cheat. But dropping a serious boyfriend when things were perfect for some guy that you had fun with? Doesn't inspire trust or staying power, does it?
By Anonymous, 19, from missouri:
Does he want me back?
I was with this guy for about 2 years. Everything was perfect and we were even talking about marriage. About a year and a half into our relationship an old friend from high school started calling me. I had a lot of fun talking to him and decided to break up with my boyfriend for him. When we we were together all I could think of was my ex. I recently broke things off with him and I'm trying to get a second chance with my ex. The problem is I don't know if he wants to give me a second chance. He says he thinks we were meant to be together but also says it would be better if we were just friends from now on. We've been on one date since then that I thought went really well but it's been about 3 days since and he hasn't called me. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
No, he doesn't want you back. That's not to say he won't take you back, but if he does, it'll be a sign of weakness.
You left him even when according to you, things were perfect. I'm sure he's wondering what will happen when things aren't so good, as from time to time, it's likely to happen?
To your credit, at least you didn't cheat. But dropping a serious boyfriend when things were perfect for some guy that you had fun with? Doesn't inspire trust or staying power, does it?
We ended up kissing and later having sex
Submitted on Saturday, January 26, 2008
By christy, 28, from Greece:
He is my partners son his name is Alex he came to Cyprus few months ago we became friends I had feelings for him but tried not to thing about it because I love my work and my partner very much and didn’t want to ruin anything.
One night we all went to a club I got a bit drunk and we ended up kissing and later having sex with Alex. After we finished we started talking, he told me he is going through a lot his ex is pregnant with his child and he had no idea what to do and didn’t even know if she was telling the truth because he said she lies a lot and she has lots of problems. After that night we did go out again and we decided we will be just friends because it’s all very complicated. We did end up kissing the same night and the next night we decided to go out.
After that he went back to his country to visit the ex he came back changed he never calls or going anywhere. I do see him often because of my work he is always very polite etc. I saw him at my work last week I figured he wasn’t well!! I went home and couldn’t get him out of my head I messaged him if one of this day we could go for a drink. He answered: that would be really nice and he called me few hours later and arranged when. We did go for drinks last night ...didn’t have much to say, he was all smiling and talking and trying to be funny we didn’t talk about as at all I didn’t really want to. ...the only think I said it's that I was angry with him that’s why I asked him to go for a drink because I can't be angry with him anymore. He said he knew it but he didn’t want to try to fix every time he tries to fix something he makes it worst....don’t know what to do with him ...actually I do ...it's leave him alone he has enough in his head to also have me...but it's difficult!
VictorM's advice:
It's difficult but it is the wisest course of action. You have no other choice.
All signs point to him not being into you, he just wants things to be civil and nice between you two. And hey, if after a few drinks he gets some sex, that's icing on the cake.
By christy, 28, from Greece:
He is my partners son his name is Alex he came to Cyprus few months ago we became friends I had feelings for him but tried not to thing about it because I love my work and my partner very much and didn’t want to ruin anything.
One night we all went to a club I got a bit drunk and we ended up kissing and later having sex with Alex. After we finished we started talking, he told me he is going through a lot his ex is pregnant with his child and he had no idea what to do and didn’t even know if she was telling the truth because he said she lies a lot and she has lots of problems. After that night we did go out again and we decided we will be just friends because it’s all very complicated. We did end up kissing the same night and the next night we decided to go out.
After that he went back to his country to visit the ex he came back changed he never calls or going anywhere. I do see him often because of my work he is always very polite etc. I saw him at my work last week I figured he wasn’t well!! I went home and couldn’t get him out of my head I messaged him if one of this day we could go for a drink. He answered: that would be really nice and he called me few hours later and arranged when. We did go for drinks last night ...didn’t have much to say, he was all smiling and talking and trying to be funny we didn’t talk about as at all I didn’t really want to. ...the only think I said it's that I was angry with him that’s why I asked him to go for a drink because I can't be angry with him anymore. He said he knew it but he didn’t want to try to fix every time he tries to fix something he makes it worst....don’t know what to do with him ...actually I do ...it's leave him alone he has enough in his head to also have me...but it's difficult!
VictorM's advice:
It's difficult but it is the wisest course of action. You have no other choice.
All signs point to him not being into you, he just wants things to be civil and nice between you two. And hey, if after a few drinks he gets some sex, that's icing on the cake.
Monday, January 28, 2008
I am extroverted and wild sexually
Submitted on Friday, January 25, 2008
By V.ANN, 32, from IL:
I am extroverted and wild sexually but my guy is reserved. I try to make him feel more comfortable sexually but i think he is jealous or feels inferior to the men in my past. I believe he has resorted to online porn and maybe even cybersex to release his inhibitions. What do i do? Should I be worried??? Help
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if his attraction to porn is a reflection of him felling inferior about your past sex life. But maybe you're more interested in being wild than being a good sex partner. The two are not the same. A good sex partner pays attention to and caters to the desires and feelings of the other person.
Let me make it clear that I'm not doubting you being wild sexually; I'm just questioning if you're a good sex partner for him.
In any case, when porn is something that one of the partners isn't happy about, you have a problem.
By V.ANN, 32, from IL:
I am extroverted and wild sexually but my guy is reserved. I try to make him feel more comfortable sexually but i think he is jealous or feels inferior to the men in my past. I believe he has resorted to online porn and maybe even cybersex to release his inhibitions. What do i do? Should I be worried??? Help
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if his attraction to porn is a reflection of him felling inferior about your past sex life. But maybe you're more interested in being wild than being a good sex partner. The two are not the same. A good sex partner pays attention to and caters to the desires and feelings of the other person.
Let me make it clear that I'm not doubting you being wild sexually; I'm just questioning if you're a good sex partner for him.
In any case, when porn is something that one of the partners isn't happy about, you have a problem.
We just looked at each other not even a smile
Submitted on Friday, January 25, 2008
By Sam, 20, from NY:
So I go to NYU and there is this guy I see him in passing, the first time I saw him I was attracted. And well the first time he saw me we just looked at each other not even a smile…his eyes were kinda big not scared but more like “what do I do?” (I guess) and I got too scared to smile also so he just walked past me and said nothing…
[honestly though it is not just him who looks at me like this I've noticed other guys also…they just get this wide eyed stare at me…I don’t know what to think of it… I am not thin but not obese I don’t dress like a slut, usually classy cute]
the next time I saw him he still had that look but not as bad…a little more calm but still when he got to passing me he put his head down and kept walking…it made me feel so ugly I mean I didn’t smile but neither did he…I want to smile but I just don’t know how to read him. What should I do? I am shy and never been asked out so I don’t know how to flirt…Help!
VictorM's advice:
You felt ugly because he looked down? How do you think he feels when you don't smile?
Look, shy guys are notorious for avoiding the girls they like. Him looking down was a sign that he likes you.
I understand all about being shy, but you have to take one small step, as hard as it may be. You can't expect him to do all the lifting. So, smile at the guy! You can do it. Go ahead. Next time you see him, smile! That's all you have to do. That's your assignment.
Come back and tell us about it when it happens.
By Sam, 20, from NY:
So I go to NYU and there is this guy I see him in passing, the first time I saw him I was attracted. And well the first time he saw me we just looked at each other not even a smile…his eyes were kinda big not scared but more like “what do I do?” (I guess) and I got too scared to smile also so he just walked past me and said nothing…
[honestly though it is not just him who looks at me like this I've noticed other guys also…they just get this wide eyed stare at me…I don’t know what to think of it… I am not thin but not obese I don’t dress like a slut, usually classy cute]
the next time I saw him he still had that look but not as bad…a little more calm but still when he got to passing me he put his head down and kept walking…it made me feel so ugly I mean I didn’t smile but neither did he…I want to smile but I just don’t know how to read him. What should I do? I am shy and never been asked out so I don’t know how to flirt…Help!
VictorM's advice:
You felt ugly because he looked down? How do you think he feels when you don't smile?
Look, shy guys are notorious for avoiding the girls they like. Him looking down was a sign that he likes you.
I understand all about being shy, but you have to take one small step, as hard as it may be. You can't expect him to do all the lifting. So, smile at the guy! You can do it. Go ahead. Next time you see him, smile! That's all you have to do. That's your assignment.
Come back and tell us about it when it happens.
At the beginning, I thought he was The One
Submitted on Thursday, January 24, 2008
By christy, 23, from MN:
I dated a good friend for almost 2 years. At the beginning, I thought he was The One. After about a year, everything he did began to irritate me, and he was no longer the same person I fell in love with. I stuck it out for a while, but eventually had to leave him. I pretty much decided on my own that I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted to be single. From his point of view, it probably seems like I just dumped him without warning, and without explanation.
It's now been almot 2 years since we ended our relationship.
1. I know he still has feelings for me so I tried to distance myself
2. He said a lot of nasty things to me, and I sort of wrote him off.
3. He keeps apologizing, saying he no longer has feelings, and wants to be friends... but he always messes it up... I.e: Getting jealous of my/our mutual guy friends whom I've known since before him... accusing his own friends of sleeping with me... sleeping with an 'archenemy' of mine... drinking himself into oblivion and saying rude, nasty, horribly mean things to me... spreading rumors about my personal life to our mutual friends...
4. Why does he do and say these stupid, immature things? Even all our friends (and his!) remark that he is out of line.
5. Everytime he does something like that, he apologizes and say he's over his feelings and wants to be friends.
6. Each time I get over it. I just chalk it up to his immaturity, drinking, and I guess the 'trauma' of me leaving him. I forgive his rudeness and try to act civilized around him. Then he does it again.
We've tried to remain friends, but why is it so hard?! He is moody, vulnerable, and immature. There is no way I would get back together with him and he knows this. Why is he lashing out in such ways? Is there anything I can do to reassure him that I care about him as a person, as a friend? Should I forget about it and say screw him? I want to help him 'get over me' but I'm probably not the right person for the job- huh?
VictorM's advice:
As for his nasty words to you, I covered this is a recent question and answer:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
If you keep forgiving him and accepting him for all the nasty things he does, why should he stop? You're enabling his rotten behavior. Stop being his friend! Friends don't treat friends like he treats you. Learn to recognize when someone is too toxic and doesn't belong in your inner circle of friends.
By the way, he didn't change from when you first met him; you just didn't see his true self for a while.
By christy, 23, from MN:
I dated a good friend for almost 2 years. At the beginning, I thought he was The One. After about a year, everything he did began to irritate me, and he was no longer the same person I fell in love with. I stuck it out for a while, but eventually had to leave him. I pretty much decided on my own that I didn't love him anymore and that I wanted to be single. From his point of view, it probably seems like I just dumped him without warning, and without explanation.
It's now been almot 2 years since we ended our relationship.
1. I know he still has feelings for me so I tried to distance myself
2. He said a lot of nasty things to me, and I sort of wrote him off.
3. He keeps apologizing, saying he no longer has feelings, and wants to be friends... but he always messes it up... I.e: Getting jealous of my/our mutual guy friends whom I've known since before him... accusing his own friends of sleeping with me... sleeping with an 'archenemy' of mine... drinking himself into oblivion and saying rude, nasty, horribly mean things to me... spreading rumors about my personal life to our mutual friends...
4. Why does he do and say these stupid, immature things? Even all our friends (and his!) remark that he is out of line.
5. Everytime he does something like that, he apologizes and say he's over his feelings and wants to be friends.
6. Each time I get over it. I just chalk it up to his immaturity, drinking, and I guess the 'trauma' of me leaving him. I forgive his rudeness and try to act civilized around him. Then he does it again.
We've tried to remain friends, but why is it so hard?! He is moody, vulnerable, and immature. There is no way I would get back together with him and he knows this. Why is he lashing out in such ways? Is there anything I can do to reassure him that I care about him as a person, as a friend? Should I forget about it and say screw him? I want to help him 'get over me' but I'm probably not the right person for the job- huh?
VictorM's advice:
As for his nasty words to you, I covered this is a recent question and answer:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
If you keep forgiving him and accepting him for all the nasty things he does, why should he stop? You're enabling his rotten behavior. Stop being his friend! Friends don't treat friends like he treats you. Learn to recognize when someone is too toxic and doesn't belong in your inner circle of friends.
By the way, he didn't change from when you first met him; you just didn't see his true self for a while.
We don't have any problems except for his ex, part 4
Submitted on Thursday, January 24, 2008
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
This is "we dont have any problems except for his ex" girl.. part 4.
My boyfriend (well ex now) has been talking to me gradually lately. He still meets me at my locker the way he used to, still texts me and talks to me for comfort. I have been trying to meet other guys, but I still have feelings for him. He wants to be friends with benefits..and I don't know if I should. I DON'T want him getting laid by his ex as a last resort, but I'd just feel so used.. I'm a really sensitive girl and while I do enjoy his presense more than anyone else's.. I think it will be heartbreak all over again. But maybe not? Who knows.. it's just sex right?
VictorM's advice:
To him it is just sex, to you, no. After all, you don't want him getting laid by his ex. Why not, if it's just sex? That's because you don't think that sex can be just sex.
You're making a big mistake if you have sex with this guy because if you do he'll never think of you as anyone worth anything more than sex. In essence, you'd be screwing up any chance of getting back together with him.
If he asks for friends with benefits again, tell him to go fuck himself.
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
This is "we dont have any problems except for his ex" girl.. part 4.
My boyfriend (well ex now) has been talking to me gradually lately. He still meets me at my locker the way he used to, still texts me and talks to me for comfort. I have been trying to meet other guys, but I still have feelings for him. He wants to be friends with benefits..and I don't know if I should. I DON'T want him getting laid by his ex as a last resort, but I'd just feel so used.. I'm a really sensitive girl and while I do enjoy his presense more than anyone else's.. I think it will be heartbreak all over again. But maybe not? Who knows.. it's just sex right?
VictorM's advice:
To him it is just sex, to you, no. After all, you don't want him getting laid by his ex. Why not, if it's just sex? That's because you don't think that sex can be just sex.
You're making a big mistake if you have sex with this guy because if you do he'll never think of you as anyone worth anything more than sex. In essence, you'd be screwing up any chance of getting back together with him.
If he asks for friends with benefits again, tell him to go fuck himself.
Not the marrying type
Submitted on Thursday, January 24, 2008
By Melissa, 24:
I've been seeing a guy 15 years my senior for 5 months. Background:
By Melissa, 24:
I've been seeing a guy 15 years my senior for 5 months. Background:
* he's a free spirit, very adventurous, can be stereotyped as "not the marrying type"
* he's into younger girls (1st girlfriend: 5 years age gap, 2nd:9 years, 3rd: 10)
* he's only had 3 serious relationships
* his last relationship with fiance ended 3 years ago. His life was a wreck since then (he cut his long hair, he's been drinking every night, etc.)
A month ago he told his friends that this year he's gonna be with someone (me)and that we're gonna be together for a long time but we don't call each other boyfriend-girlfriend because we don't like labels (but he didnt even ask me about it!).
We act like we're in a relationship (I can demand for things, we see each other often, etc.) Also, we call each other honey (that's his endearment for his ex too when they were together..now, if he's calling me HONEY, does that mean a.) he's still not over her b.) he considers having a serious relationship with me (or are we having one already?) c.) it's just his favorite..insights please:).
I want things to be spontaneous and I don't like having THE talk because I'm afraid it would ruin the whole thing or it would scare him away. Is there a way to get my answer without having the serious talk?
VictorM's advice:
The "honey" term of endearment is answer C. The usage of that word probably has more to do with his personality than it does with the feelings for any one girl. I really don't think it has nothing to do whether he's over his ex, even if I don't believe he is. After all, his life wouldn't be a wreck if that break-up wasn't traumatic. He's not ready for another committed relationship, hence his answer to his friends.
Based on his own experiences, even being engaged still was no assurance that he would "live happily ever after." So having "the talk" really means nothing to him. By contrast, five months is nothing, so don't expect a major declaration of love from him about where things might be.
Are you girlfriend material for this guy? Who knows. You could be. But you're not yet. That much is clear.
* he's into younger girls (1st girlfriend: 5 years age gap, 2nd:9 years, 3rd: 10)
* he's only had 3 serious relationships
* his last relationship with fiance ended 3 years ago. His life was a wreck since then (he cut his long hair, he's been drinking every night, etc.)
A month ago he told his friends that this year he's gonna be with someone (me)and that we're gonna be together for a long time but we don't call each other boyfriend-girlfriend because we don't like labels (but he didnt even ask me about it!).
We act like we're in a relationship (I can demand for things, we see each other often, etc.) Also, we call each other honey (that's his endearment for his ex too when they were together..now, if he's calling me HONEY, does that mean a.) he's still not over her b.) he considers having a serious relationship with me (or are we having one already?) c.) it's just his favorite..insights please:).
I want things to be spontaneous and I don't like having THE talk because I'm afraid it would ruin the whole thing or it would scare him away. Is there a way to get my answer without having the serious talk?
VictorM's advice:
The "honey" term of endearment is answer C. The usage of that word probably has more to do with his personality than it does with the feelings for any one girl. I really don't think it has nothing to do whether he's over his ex, even if I don't believe he is. After all, his life wouldn't be a wreck if that break-up wasn't traumatic. He's not ready for another committed relationship, hence his answer to his friends.
Based on his own experiences, even being engaged still was no assurance that he would "live happily ever after." So having "the talk" really means nothing to him. By contrast, five months is nothing, so don't expect a major declaration of love from him about where things might be.
Are you girlfriend material for this guy? Who knows. You could be. But you're not yet. That much is clear.
I asked him if he wanted to have some dinner
Submitted on Wednesday, January 23, 2008
By Name confusion is still Confused, 25, from Northern IN:
Alright Victor, I took your advice. I picked a night that I was going to be in his town for work (we live about 45 minutes apart) and I asked him if he wanted to have some dinner. He had plans the first night, but was free the second night. So the second day, towards the end of the day he called me at the office I was working at, at first it was just about work but then we started talking about our weekends and then he asked if I was still free for that night - which of course I was. He told me he didn't think he was going to have to work late and that he should be home around 6:30. I gave him my cell number and we ended the call. Well I didn't hear from him until almost 8 because he did end up having to stay late - remember he is a very busy guy, in charge of two divisions - but he called and was very sorry and asked if I just wanted to go grab a bite to eat at a fast food place. We met and I went ahead and ordered and paid for my food because I felt weird and didn't want to look like I expected him to pay for mine since I really didn't know if it was a date. So while I got my drink and stuff he picked out a table. I went to sit and instead of sitting directly across from him I sat caddy-corner from him at the table, why? I don't know!! Anyways, we sat and talked for two hours. We talked about his son and my son and his marriage that ended about a year ago and my relationship that ended around the same time. It was kind of strange because there were times that it really felt like a date and then he would kind of pull away and it wouldn't feel like one. He told me that he is really enjoying his freedom but he doesn't want to be alone - he actually used the term "I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too". I really had a good time and I like him even more now - but I am still not sure if he likes me. When we parted at the restaurant there was no kiss/hug/handshake/lingering look...nadda. We just said goodnight and he got in his car, I got in mine and we drove away. So what is going on?? I am confused - but I am not very good at this whole dating thing, am I giving the wrong signals? I am totally okay to just hanging out, seeing each other and nothing serious right now. But how do I know if he likes me? I really don't want to be the silly little girl who doesn't take the hint, ya know?
VictorM's advice:
Everything you described sounds totally normal to me. I would not expect a kiss at the end of the night because this was a not a date, this was just two coworkers getting away from work and getting a bit personal. Where it will lead? I have no idea, but he met with you, he discussed personal stuff, and he spent two hours with you. For now, that's a step in the right direction but I wouldn't expect much more at this time.
I don't think taking hints has anything to do with it. Guys in general, and this one in particular, is in no rush to get into a relationship. Why? Because guys often feel trapped unless they have fallen in love with the girl. And for most guys, falling in love is a much slower process than girls.
By Name confusion is still Confused, 25, from Northern IN:
Alright Victor, I took your advice. I picked a night that I was going to be in his town for work (we live about 45 minutes apart) and I asked him if he wanted to have some dinner. He had plans the first night, but was free the second night. So the second day, towards the end of the day he called me at the office I was working at, at first it was just about work but then we started talking about our weekends and then he asked if I was still free for that night - which of course I was. He told me he didn't think he was going to have to work late and that he should be home around 6:30. I gave him my cell number and we ended the call. Well I didn't hear from him until almost 8 because he did end up having to stay late - remember he is a very busy guy, in charge of two divisions - but he called and was very sorry and asked if I just wanted to go grab a bite to eat at a fast food place. We met and I went ahead and ordered and paid for my food because I felt weird and didn't want to look like I expected him to pay for mine since I really didn't know if it was a date. So while I got my drink and stuff he picked out a table. I went to sit and instead of sitting directly across from him I sat caddy-corner from him at the table, why? I don't know!! Anyways, we sat and talked for two hours. We talked about his son and my son and his marriage that ended about a year ago and my relationship that ended around the same time. It was kind of strange because there were times that it really felt like a date and then he would kind of pull away and it wouldn't feel like one. He told me that he is really enjoying his freedom but he doesn't want to be alone - he actually used the term "I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too". I really had a good time and I like him even more now - but I am still not sure if he likes me. When we parted at the restaurant there was no kiss/hug/handshake/lingering look...nadda. We just said goodnight and he got in his car, I got in mine and we drove away. So what is going on?? I am confused - but I am not very good at this whole dating thing, am I giving the wrong signals? I am totally okay to just hanging out, seeing each other and nothing serious right now. But how do I know if he likes me? I really don't want to be the silly little girl who doesn't take the hint, ya know?
VictorM's advice:
Everything you described sounds totally normal to me. I would not expect a kiss at the end of the night because this was a not a date, this was just two coworkers getting away from work and getting a bit personal. Where it will lead? I have no idea, but he met with you, he discussed personal stuff, and he spent two hours with you. For now, that's a step in the right direction but I wouldn't expect much more at this time.
I don't think taking hints has anything to do with it. Guys in general, and this one in particular, is in no rush to get into a relationship. Why? Because guys often feel trapped unless they have fallen in love with the girl. And for most guys, falling in love is a much slower process than girls.
Friday, January 25, 2008
He's cute, smart, funny and we clicked right away
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
I found a new guy in a new prep class I'm taking. He's cute, smart, funny and we clicked right away. He found me on facebook, and told me he wants to hang out next saturday..(which is this saturday) I see him on sundays for the class, and we flirt and joke around a lot. He told me to make plans for saturday, and I said I am indecisive and told him to contact me over the week. I ended up texting him today (I last saw him sunday) because I was in the room when he texted a mutual friend, and I texted him asking what the friend said. (he made a joke). He responded saying "haha nothing." and that was it. I just got out of a relationship and just want to have fun.. but I don't know if I should persue him, or wait till he persue's me.. should I stop texting him until saturday and see if he contacts me?
VictorM's advice:
If you just want to have fun, just have fun. If texting him is part of it, text him.
Guys are much less likely to hit you over the head with crap like "you sent me the wrong signals" than you might think.
Text him. Just keep it fun.
By Anonymous, 17, from NJ:
I found a new guy in a new prep class I'm taking. He's cute, smart, funny and we clicked right away. He found me on facebook, and told me he wants to hang out next saturday..(which is this saturday) I see him on sundays for the class, and we flirt and joke around a lot. He told me to make plans for saturday, and I said I am indecisive and told him to contact me over the week. I ended up texting him today (I last saw him sunday) because I was in the room when he texted a mutual friend, and I texted him asking what the friend said. (he made a joke). He responded saying "haha nothing." and that was it. I just got out of a relationship and just want to have fun.. but I don't know if I should persue him, or wait till he persue's me.. should I stop texting him until saturday and see if he contacts me?
VictorM's advice:
If you just want to have fun, just have fun. If texting him is part of it, text him.
Guys are much less likely to hit you over the head with crap like "you sent me the wrong signals" than you might think.
Text him. Just keep it fun.
There is a guy I work with that I think likes me
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By jessica, 24, from tennessee:
There is a guy I work with that I think likes me, but I'm not sure. He's admitted to me that he's been wondering about me ever since he first saw me and even asked me for my email address and we talk at work and after work. It's really funny, because it's like he says enough to keep my interest, which I feel like he's flirting with me, but not sure.
Then the other day, he tells me he has a girlfriend and they live together, but he'll spend hours late at night emailing me and asking what I'm doing. He'll ask me questions he already knows the answer to or will find any excuse to talk to me.
He notices I wear a ring on my ring finger and always asks about my situation. I'm really puzzeled because I can't tell if this guy likes me or what?...He's always looking at me and coming up with crazy nicknames for me, but what I don't understand is why he won't just express his interest and why he's acting this way...any suggestions???
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have an interest in you, but since he has never expressed and he has a girlfriend it's safest to assume is interest in you is limited to a passing the time kinda thing. I mean, he can find you funny, cute, interesting, nice to talk to, etc. without wanting to be with you romantically.
I don't know if that's the case here but it's not at all uncommon for guys to ask questions, tease, flirt, etc just because it helps them pass the time at work, and what better to do it than with an attractive girl? And if you give him equal attention, it's a nice ego boost for him, so he seeks that attention whenever possible.
By jessica, 24, from tennessee:
There is a guy I work with that I think likes me, but I'm not sure. He's admitted to me that he's been wondering about me ever since he first saw me and even asked me for my email address and we talk at work and after work. It's really funny, because it's like he says enough to keep my interest, which I feel like he's flirting with me, but not sure.
Then the other day, he tells me he has a girlfriend and they live together, but he'll spend hours late at night emailing me and asking what I'm doing. He'll ask me questions he already knows the answer to or will find any excuse to talk to me.
He notices I wear a ring on my ring finger and always asks about my situation. I'm really puzzeled because I can't tell if this guy likes me or what?...He's always looking at me and coming up with crazy nicknames for me, but what I don't understand is why he won't just express his interest and why he's acting this way...any suggestions???
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could have an interest in you, but since he has never expressed and he has a girlfriend it's safest to assume is interest in you is limited to a passing the time kinda thing. I mean, he can find you funny, cute, interesting, nice to talk to, etc. without wanting to be with you romantically.
I don't know if that's the case here but it's not at all uncommon for guys to ask questions, tease, flirt, etc just because it helps them pass the time at work, and what better to do it than with an attractive girl? And if you give him equal attention, it's a nice ego boost for him, so he seeks that attention whenever possible.
He has a very introverted personality
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By dunit, 24, from Canada:
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we've been living together for most of that time. He has a very introverted personality and rarely expresses his feelings/emotions (what guy does?? lol).
We both enjoy porn from time to time and aren't ashamed to admit it. The problem is that we never enjoy it together. He has become very withdrawn over the past year and a half or so, but I guess he's always been that way somewhat. It's a long story but something possessed me to put an internet monitoring program on our computer to see what he's up to when I'm not home. It was worse than I thought. He's on porn sites everyday for an hour +. He's on a sexual dating/friend site for the sole purpose of exchanging sexual fantasies etc. And yet, we only have sex maybe 1-2 times a month, and a lot of time I'll try to initiate it and he pushes me away claiming that I have "bad timing" and that he's tired. When I saw all of his internet activites I thought maybe it was me not making enough of an effort. So I sent him a racy email detailing some of my sexual fantasies and asking him to reply with some of his (to try and inject some life into our relationship) and he never even acknowleged it. He's always said that he has a hard time putting sex and relationships on the same level. Almost like he thinks they're 2 separate things. I'm really worried that he's totally lost interest even though he says it has nothing to do with me.
Some contributing factors to this mess could be:
-He's gained a bit of weight since we've been together and I know he's not happy with himself naked.
-We've had a few long conversations and he's expressed more than once that he doesn't think he's capable of feeling love and that he knows I deserve better.
Maybe you can help explain some of this to me? I fear that our sex life has gone down the tubes and that I've done pretty much all I can think of to repair it. I've even tried to break up with him but he wouldn't let me so it's not that he doesn't care. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face expressing how I feel about all of this but nothing ever changes. I just feel like I'm dating an inanimate rod or something. Like he's here but not here all the time. Any insights?
VictorM's advice:
To be honest, I think he needs professional help. Your information is too sketchy to have any kind of educated guess at what's happening. Clearly there's a self-esteem problem, but unless he gets to the bottom of where it came from and what's causing it, not much is going to change.
Apparently he can relate better with people he doesn't know (the members of the website and porn stars) than he does with you, but that is all part of his introvert/inferiority complex personality. He's escaping into a fantasy world and you're the real world. Don't take his actions personally.
If he understands that his behavior is not healthy, get him to see a professional therapist; if he thinks nothing is wrong... well, you can't help people that don't want to help themselves. In this case, be aware that you don't need his permission or approval to break up with him.
By dunit, 24, from Canada:
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we've been living together for most of that time. He has a very introverted personality and rarely expresses his feelings/emotions (what guy does?? lol).
We both enjoy porn from time to time and aren't ashamed to admit it. The problem is that we never enjoy it together. He has become very withdrawn over the past year and a half or so, but I guess he's always been that way somewhat. It's a long story but something possessed me to put an internet monitoring program on our computer to see what he's up to when I'm not home. It was worse than I thought. He's on porn sites everyday for an hour +. He's on a sexual dating/friend site for the sole purpose of exchanging sexual fantasies etc. And yet, we only have sex maybe 1-2 times a month, and a lot of time I'll try to initiate it and he pushes me away claiming that I have "bad timing" and that he's tired. When I saw all of his internet activites I thought maybe it was me not making enough of an effort. So I sent him a racy email detailing some of my sexual fantasies and asking him to reply with some of his (to try and inject some life into our relationship) and he never even acknowleged it. He's always said that he has a hard time putting sex and relationships on the same level. Almost like he thinks they're 2 separate things. I'm really worried that he's totally lost interest even though he says it has nothing to do with me.
Some contributing factors to this mess could be:
-He's gained a bit of weight since we've been together and I know he's not happy with himself naked.
-We've had a few long conversations and he's expressed more than once that he doesn't think he's capable of feeling love and that he knows I deserve better.
Maybe you can help explain some of this to me? I fear that our sex life has gone down the tubes and that I've done pretty much all I can think of to repair it. I've even tried to break up with him but he wouldn't let me so it's not that he doesn't care. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face expressing how I feel about all of this but nothing ever changes. I just feel like I'm dating an inanimate rod or something. Like he's here but not here all the time. Any insights?
VictorM's advice:
To be honest, I think he needs professional help. Your information is too sketchy to have any kind of educated guess at what's happening. Clearly there's a self-esteem problem, but unless he gets to the bottom of where it came from and what's causing it, not much is going to change.
Apparently he can relate better with people he doesn't know (the members of the website and porn stars) than he does with you, but that is all part of his introvert/inferiority complex personality. He's escaping into a fantasy world and you're the real world. Don't take his actions personally.
If he understands that his behavior is not healthy, get him to see a professional therapist; if he thinks nothing is wrong... well, you can't help people that don't want to help themselves. In this case, be aware that you don't need his permission or approval to break up with him.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Dating a guy who's apprehensive
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By Beth, 52, from Michigan:
Dating a guy who's apprehensive of a serious relationship, but won't admit it. He had a bad divorce. How can I move him along?
VictorM's advice:
You make him sound like he's cattle.
He's in his 50's (I assume) and he's had a bad divorce. What more reasons than that does he need to be apprehensive? At this stage in life, getting hitched is not as appealing as when we were in our 20's. Besides, I think you overlook the most likely reason for his apprehension: he may not be into you as much as you think. I'm not saying he won't be, but guys need more time than females to reach that point.
You want to move him along... why? Where's the fire?
By Beth, 52, from Michigan:
Dating a guy who's apprehensive of a serious relationship, but won't admit it. He had a bad divorce. How can I move him along?
VictorM's advice:
You make him sound like he's cattle.
He's in his 50's (I assume) and he's had a bad divorce. What more reasons than that does he need to be apprehensive? At this stage in life, getting hitched is not as appealing as when we were in our 20's. Besides, I think you overlook the most likely reason for his apprehension: he may not be into you as much as you think. I'm not saying he won't be, but guys need more time than females to reach that point.
You want to move him along... why? Where's the fire?
Valentine's is coming up!
Submitted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008
By Nina, 14, from New Jersey:
HELP!
Valentine's is coming up! And I don't know what to get my boyfriend. He's my first and I don't really know what a guy likes. Any ideas?
And we both go to different schools so I only get to see him in the weekends.
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
A box of condoms with little hearts in them? :-p I don't know. I'm really bad at this.
Anyone care to give Nina some help? (Use the comments section below)
By Nina, 14, from New Jersey:
HELP!
Valentine's is coming up! And I don't know what to get my boyfriend. He's my first and I don't really know what a guy likes. Any ideas?
And we both go to different schools so I only get to see him in the weekends.
Thanks :)
VictorM's advice:
A box of condoms with little hearts in them? :-p I don't know. I'm really bad at this.
Anyone care to give Nina some help? (Use the comments section below)
I'm a very confused and stubborn girl
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Lisa, 18, California:
Hi Victor, I'm a very confused and stubborn girl, I really need you advice on this one :)
So me and my boyfriend Brandon have been together for a total of about a year and a couple months. 4 months ago, me and him started to fight a lot so I broke up with him because I started having feelings for my long time friend Nelson. I still loved Brandon, because he was everything I wanted in a guy and we were both completely in love with each other, but I didn't think it was fair to him so I took a "break."
I wanted the "break" to be a time where I could get over Nelson, and learn to appreciate Brandon, but little did I know that another girl would come into Brandon's life. I was his first true love, his first everything to him (or so he would say) and a month into our breakup he started dating another girl named Laurie.
When I found this out, I got very jealous, and tried to get him back, but he was a very big jerk, told me to get out of his life and to never talk to him again. He explained how he had fallen for somebody else, and that me and him ever beeing together again was impossible. I was very hurt, confused and heartbroken. I thought after everything we had been through, how did he have the nerve to tell me to get out of his life? Well anyway, I sucked it in, and decided to ignore all contact with him. Him and Laurie were official and me and Nelson were official as well. But two weeks later, he started to send me text messages almost everynight. Another 2 weeks later, me and Nelson ended up breaking up and then I found out a week later that Brandon and Laurie broke up around the same time me and Nelson did as well. Neither me and Brandon knew that each other's relationship had ended so I saw it as a "sign."
A week later I bumped into him at one of my friend's party. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and everyone around us could see how in love we were after the month or two of being apart. We have been together ever since for about 2 months. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but keep remembering everything that he had said to me, and done to me 4 months ago. I think about it periodically and it still breaks my heart everytime. I really don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me too. I know I really need to forget about the past but the more I think about it, the farther away the fact of me and Brandon being together forever seems to get. I have already talked about the situation and what he had done and how much it hurt me, but I still just can't seem to let it go...please help Victor, am I suppose to end things with him because I just can't let this go? Or stay with him and have this in the back of my mind forever? Im very confused.
VictorM's advice:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
What he really meant to say was that you broke his heart and he was in pain, but his male ego and guy upbringing didn't allow him to show that vulnerability. He covered it up by acting tough and being mean.
Take all the nasty things he said to you as a reflection of how much he was hurting that you broke up with him. In fact, for every nasty thing he said to you, you should smile knowing that he was indeed trying to tell you how much you hurt him and how much he missed you. He just did it in a guy sorta way.
Again, I say, forget the actual words he used when he was angry; the translations is: you broke his heart and he missed you.
By Lisa, 18, California:
Hi Victor, I'm a very confused and stubborn girl, I really need you advice on this one :)
So me and my boyfriend Brandon have been together for a total of about a year and a couple months. 4 months ago, me and him started to fight a lot so I broke up with him because I started having feelings for my long time friend Nelson. I still loved Brandon, because he was everything I wanted in a guy and we were both completely in love with each other, but I didn't think it was fair to him so I took a "break."
I wanted the "break" to be a time where I could get over Nelson, and learn to appreciate Brandon, but little did I know that another girl would come into Brandon's life. I was his first true love, his first everything to him (or so he would say) and a month into our breakup he started dating another girl named Laurie.
When I found this out, I got very jealous, and tried to get him back, but he was a very big jerk, told me to get out of his life and to never talk to him again. He explained how he had fallen for somebody else, and that me and him ever beeing together again was impossible. I was very hurt, confused and heartbroken. I thought after everything we had been through, how did he have the nerve to tell me to get out of his life? Well anyway, I sucked it in, and decided to ignore all contact with him. Him and Laurie were official and me and Nelson were official as well. But two weeks later, he started to send me text messages almost everynight. Another 2 weeks later, me and Nelson ended up breaking up and then I found out a week later that Brandon and Laurie broke up around the same time me and Nelson did as well. Neither me and Brandon knew that each other's relationship had ended so I saw it as a "sign."
A week later I bumped into him at one of my friend's party. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and everyone around us could see how in love we were after the month or two of being apart. We have been together ever since for about 2 months. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but keep remembering everything that he had said to me, and done to me 4 months ago. I think about it periodically and it still breaks my heart everytime. I really don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me too. I know I really need to forget about the past but the more I think about it, the farther away the fact of me and Brandon being together forever seems to get. I have already talked about the situation and what he had done and how much it hurt me, but I still just can't seem to let it go...please help Victor, am I suppose to end things with him because I just can't let this go? Or stay with him and have this in the back of my mind forever? Im very confused.
VictorM's advice:
What you need to recognize is that guys react to being hurt by fighting back. The more hurt they are, the harder they fight back. The meaner he was to you, the bigger the sign that he was deeply into you. Forget about his actual words -- guys will say whatever comes to mind to hurt the person who's causing them pain with total disregard for the truth. Yes, guys fight dirty. And the more hurt they hurt, the dirtier they fight.
What he really meant to say was that you broke his heart and he was in pain, but his male ego and guy upbringing didn't allow him to show that vulnerability. He covered it up by acting tough and being mean.
Take all the nasty things he said to you as a reflection of how much he was hurting that you broke up with him. In fact, for every nasty thing he said to you, you should smile knowing that he was indeed trying to tell you how much you hurt him and how much he missed you. He just did it in a guy sorta way.
Again, I say, forget the actual words he used when he was angry; the translations is: you broke his heart and he missed you.
I made my same mistake again
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Kelly, 33:
I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year now, we had separated three months and back together again just now. We both love each other. I promised him I would tell him the reason before I got upset. But this time, I made my same mistake again. I got upset without telling the reason first. I feel so bad and feel so sorry. Now, no matter I call or send messages, he has no response. I know he got disappointed that I never change. How can I get him back? Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Leave him a message telling him: 1) why you got upset, and 2) that people don't change overnight. It takes effort and it takes repetition. You can't promise that it won't happen again, all you can do is promise that you're aware of it being a problem and you will continue to work on it.
Sometimes it's not easy to verbalize why you're upset. I'm not so sure you can promise you will tell him next time. When something makes us angry, we may want to think about what pissed us off, or walk away from a situation first, to give ourselves time to calm down before telling the other person what bothered us. Sometimes we realize we had good reason to be upset, sometimes we realize we were wrong, but often it requires taking time to mull it over before reaching that conclusion. If this guy can't understand that, love may not be enough to keep you together.
By Kelly, 33:
I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year now, we had separated three months and back together again just now. We both love each other. I promised him I would tell him the reason before I got upset. But this time, I made my same mistake again. I got upset without telling the reason first. I feel so bad and feel so sorry. Now, no matter I call or send messages, he has no response. I know he got disappointed that I never change. How can I get him back? Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Leave him a message telling him: 1) why you got upset, and 2) that people don't change overnight. It takes effort and it takes repetition. You can't promise that it won't happen again, all you can do is promise that you're aware of it being a problem and you will continue to work on it.
Sometimes it's not easy to verbalize why you're upset. I'm not so sure you can promise you will tell him next time. When something makes us angry, we may want to think about what pissed us off, or walk away from a situation first, to give ourselves time to calm down before telling the other person what bothered us. Sometimes we realize we had good reason to be upset, sometimes we realize we were wrong, but often it requires taking time to mull it over before reaching that conclusion. If this guy can't understand that, love may not be enough to keep you together.
We aren't an official couple but we do stuff couples do
Submitted by on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Larissa, 16, from New York:
I've been with this guy for a few months; we aren't an official couple but we do stuff couples do (ie hugs&kisses) and I'm fine with keeping it unofficial for parental reasons but his past makes me nervous. He's known to be a player but has said he wouldn't "cheat" on me. He's pretty flirty and talkative when in person but almost never txts/calls me. Maybe I'm just used to pushovers but it seems like his never complimenting me or telling me how he likes me is a little off ... maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself and should slow down since it's "unofficial". Still, it all makes me nervous and I do like this guy a lot. =/
VictorM's advice:
Some guys don't like the phone or texting, and some guys just aren't attentive with the girl in terms of compliments and such. You're falling into the typical female habit of making up excuses or expecting things to change instead of dealing the personality of a guy as you see it just because you like some thing about him.
His attitude has nothing to do with you two being official or not. If during the early part of getting to know you he doesn't do those things, chances are he will never do them. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but you glossing over these things about him by making excuses won't make things better later on.
By Larissa, 16, from New York:
I've been with this guy for a few months; we aren't an official couple but we do stuff couples do (ie hugs&kisses) and I'm fine with keeping it unofficial for parental reasons but his past makes me nervous. He's known to be a player but has said he wouldn't "cheat" on me. He's pretty flirty and talkative when in person but almost never txts/calls me. Maybe I'm just used to pushovers but it seems like his never complimenting me or telling me how he likes me is a little off ... maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself and should slow down since it's "unofficial". Still, it all makes me nervous and I do like this guy a lot. =/
VictorM's advice:
Some guys don't like the phone or texting, and some guys just aren't attentive with the girl in terms of compliments and such. You're falling into the typical female habit of making up excuses or expecting things to change instead of dealing the personality of a guy as you see it just because you like some thing about him.
His attitude has nothing to do with you two being official or not. If during the early part of getting to know you he doesn't do those things, chances are he will never do them. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but you glossing over these things about him by making excuses won't make things better later on.
Confidential to annonymous, 24, part 2
There are several reasons why a guy stays in contact with an ex: it feels good being around someone who pays you more attention than you pay them; just because he may not like her enough to be in a relationship doesn't mean she's not a fun person to be around; telling her that he doesn't want to see her is an unpleasant task for most guys, so they procrastinate; some guys just can't stay breakup cold turkey, they just ease their way out.
Going out with you and going out with his ex, and maybe even other girls is not a problem, specially if it's all kept friendly-like, which is the case with at least you. There's a difference between going out on dates with someone, and dating that person.
Girls asking about other girls, even if there's nothing serious going on, always make a guy feel uncomfortable. On one hand there's nothing to hide, but on the other hand there's unpleasant explanations. That's why he tries to hide pics.
I think the message is very clear based on his actions: you're a fun, friendly person to go out with. Period.
Going out with you and going out with his ex, and maybe even other girls is not a problem, specially if it's all kept friendly-like, which is the case with at least you. There's a difference between going out on dates with someone, and dating that person.
Girls asking about other girls, even if there's nothing serious going on, always make a guy feel uncomfortable. On one hand there's nothing to hide, but on the other hand there's unpleasant explanations. That's why he tries to hide pics.
I think the message is very clear based on his actions: you're a fun, friendly person to go out with. Period.
He is a coach so he is very busy
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By heather, 22, from pc beach florida:
I have a boyfriend who just turned 29 and he is a coach so he is very busy which I know this, but one day he told me he loves me and wants to marry me and then two days later he said: "I won't allow myself to let us work because my job will always be more important", but he said we aren't breaking up. What exactly does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes people say they aren't afraid of heights when they are on solid ground, but when they get near an abyss, their knees will shake and they become consumed by fear. I think telling you about marriage brought him to the abyss and he realized how frightening the thought was, so he backed away from it.
At this point, you can only take him at his word that work is more important than you. It's your call if that's good enough for you.
By heather, 22, from pc beach florida:
I have a boyfriend who just turned 29 and he is a coach so he is very busy which I know this, but one day he told me he loves me and wants to marry me and then two days later he said: "I won't allow myself to let us work because my job will always be more important", but he said we aren't breaking up. What exactly does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes people say they aren't afraid of heights when they are on solid ground, but when they get near an abyss, their knees will shake and they become consumed by fear. I think telling you about marriage brought him to the abyss and he realized how frightening the thought was, so he backed away from it.
At this point, you can only take him at his word that work is more important than you. It's your call if that's good enough for you.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Why would my soon to be ex be calling me for phone sex?
Submitted on Monday, January 21, 2008
By Kim, 40, from Houston:
Why would my soon to be ex be calling me for phone sex when he is supposedly into a new woman and relationship and has asked me for a divorce? He lives in the UK and we returned to the US and he continues to call me, even from her house! HELP = what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're divorcing a weasel and a scoundrel.
Don't go thinking that somehow he's still so hooked on you and he just can't live without you. Your ego might want to believe that, but you'd be wrong. For most guys, sex, phone or otherwise, can and does happen totally devoid of emotional attachment. Guys can get horny on a dime. Just like that. And if a phone call to you brings some relief, well, a phone call to you it is. It's that simple. There's no other meaning do any of it.
Stop participating in his shenanigans. Don't take the calls.
By Kim, 40, from Houston:
Why would my soon to be ex be calling me for phone sex when he is supposedly into a new woman and relationship and has asked me for a divorce? He lives in the UK and we returned to the US and he continues to call me, even from her house! HELP = what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're divorcing a weasel and a scoundrel.
Don't go thinking that somehow he's still so hooked on you and he just can't live without you. Your ego might want to believe that, but you'd be wrong. For most guys, sex, phone or otherwise, can and does happen totally devoid of emotional attachment. Guys can get horny on a dime. Just like that. And if a phone call to you brings some relief, well, a phone call to you it is. It's that simple. There's no other meaning do any of it.
Stop participating in his shenanigans. Don't take the calls.
He's not ready for a serious relationship
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Sara, 20, from TN:
Well, I've liked this guy for about 2 years and just recently we've been hanging out and talking a lot. Every time he comes to my house to hang out, he stays for very long periods of time. Anyways, he has told me before that I was attractive and that I was an awesome person... Well, one of my friends ended up telling him that I liked him and he asked me if I really did, and I told him yes, but if he didn't like me that was fine, I didn't want to lose him as a friend. He told me that he loved hanging out with me and maybe one day but not now... Then he goes on to say that he's not ready for a serious relationship with someone that he really cares about! Was that just a way to let me down easy, or does he mean that he doesn't want to date me now because he could get serious about me?
VictorM's advice:
You're both quite young, which probably is a contributing factor for his words, but generally, guys are never ready for a relationship unless they feel that the girl is the right one. He's not there with you yet.
I wouldn't take it as letting you down; more as a step back and take it easy.
By Sara, 20, from TN:
Well, I've liked this guy for about 2 years and just recently we've been hanging out and talking a lot. Every time he comes to my house to hang out, he stays for very long periods of time. Anyways, he has told me before that I was attractive and that I was an awesome person... Well, one of my friends ended up telling him that I liked him and he asked me if I really did, and I told him yes, but if he didn't like me that was fine, I didn't want to lose him as a friend. He told me that he loved hanging out with me and maybe one day but not now... Then he goes on to say that he's not ready for a serious relationship with someone that he really cares about! Was that just a way to let me down easy, or does he mean that he doesn't want to date me now because he could get serious about me?
VictorM's advice:
You're both quite young, which probably is a contributing factor for his words, but generally, guys are never ready for a relationship unless they feel that the girl is the right one. He's not there with you yet.
I wouldn't take it as letting you down; more as a step back and take it easy.
The difference between love, lust, and infatuation?
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Lucia, 16:
Hello,
VICTOR! My friend recommended this website for me if I had any problems. (: haha
Well, my question is, how do you know the difference between love, lust, and infatuation?
Like, I really like this person but I'm not so sure if it's love or if it's just my need or wanting for someone to cuddle with or talk to?
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
VictorM's advice:
You have a good friend. :)
OK, let's say you take your partner to an expensive restaurant and you order the Australian lobster tail, your favorite food. After tasting it you realize it's fantastic. Then he asks you to taste your lobster.
If you let him have a small bite, that's infatuation. If you decide to share half of your lobster with him, that's love.
And lust? Well, even if he had shrimp scampi with massive amounts of garlic, you'd still want to fuck him that night.
By Lucia, 16:
Hello,
VICTOR! My friend recommended this website for me if I had any problems. (: haha
Well, my question is, how do you know the difference between love, lust, and infatuation?
Like, I really like this person but I'm not so sure if it's love or if it's just my need or wanting for someone to cuddle with or talk to?
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
VictorM's advice:
You have a good friend. :)
OK, let's say you take your partner to an expensive restaurant and you order the Australian lobster tail, your favorite food. After tasting it you realize it's fantastic. Then he asks you to taste your lobster.
If you let him have a small bite, that's infatuation. If you decide to share half of your lobster with him, that's love.
And lust? Well, even if he had shrimp scampi with massive amounts of garlic, you'd still want to fuck him that night.
Monday, January 21, 2008
He does not seem to have a crush on me
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Rosey, 16, from California:
I have a crush on this guy who I'm friends with, but he does not seem to have a crush on me. He's always busy with other things and we hardly hang out. What can I do for him to like me?
VictorM's advice:
Remember this: it's not about you, it's how the guy feels about himself when he's with you.
If he feels smart, sexy, and funny around you he'll want to be with you. This doesn't mean he'll be attracted to you, but the more he hangs around you, the more your odds improve. So, smile, pay him simple and sincere compliments, and talk about things he's passionate about.
By Rosey, 16, from California:
I have a crush on this guy who I'm friends with, but he does not seem to have a crush on me. He's always busy with other things and we hardly hang out. What can I do for him to like me?
VictorM's advice:
Remember this: it's not about you, it's how the guy feels about himself when he's with you.
If he feels smart, sexy, and funny around you he'll want to be with you. This doesn't mean he'll be attracted to you, but the more he hangs around you, the more your odds improve. So, smile, pay him simple and sincere compliments, and talk about things he's passionate about.
He never called me today.
Submitted on Sunday, January 20, 2008
By Sarah, 21, from Massachusetts:
I asked an ex (we broke up a few months ago) if he wanted to meet up and catch up. He said "that would be good." He knows that I still have feelings for him.
He was going to go drink with friends so I told him to tell me when he was free later and sober. He texted me later telling me that he would call me the next day (today) because he was pretty drunk.
But he never called me today.
Is this a "nice" way of him telling me that he doesn't want to meet up? Or am I looking too much into it?
VictorM's advice:
He never intended to meet with you. "That would be good" was simply his way of getting away from you without having to make you cry or appear rude.
Don't ask him again unless you want to hear more things that he doesn't mean but says them only because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
By Sarah, 21, from Massachusetts:
I asked an ex (we broke up a few months ago) if he wanted to meet up and catch up. He said "that would be good." He knows that I still have feelings for him.
He was going to go drink with friends so I told him to tell me when he was free later and sober. He texted me later telling me that he would call me the next day (today) because he was pretty drunk.
But he never called me today.
Is this a "nice" way of him telling me that he doesn't want to meet up? Or am I looking too much into it?
VictorM's advice:
He never intended to meet with you. "That would be good" was simply his way of getting away from you without having to make you cry or appear rude.
Don't ask him again unless you want to hear more things that he doesn't mean but says them only because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
Confidential To Anonnymous, 24
I have often seen friends and coworkers invite female friends to places like what you describe. I'm not sure of the reasons but my guess is that it has something to do with treating you like one of the guys, or purely for the amusement of seeing your reaction. Going there is fun for the guys and they assume it would be fun for you. I would not read more into it than that.
Yes, friends can become lovers but in most cases, once that trip is initiated, there's no going back; you either become lovers or you fade apart. It is this predicament that causes lots of friends from exploring the possibility of a relationship.
Yes, friends can become lovers but in most cases, once that trip is initiated, there's no going back; you either become lovers or you fade apart. It is this predicament that causes lots of friends from exploring the possibility of a relationship.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I have a big problem dealing with my mom
Submitted on Saturday, January 19, 2008
By stephanie, 15:
Hey Victor!
Well, I have a big problem dealing with my mom and my boyfriend. See, I've been going out with
him for almost a year and three months. This whole time, my mom had no idea. Actually she found out about it and went crazy. She's a very strict person and doesn't like me dating. She also has trust issues with me. I just want her acceptance for my boyfriend but she just flat out hates him. He's kind of a trouble maker but he has such a great side too. And most of the time, he just likes to play around. He's a great guy but my mom only sees his bad sides. I don't even know why she won't just give me a chance. I hate lying to her about this and if she just gave it a chance I know things would be better. I also do so good in school already. Straight A's and have never failed anything in my life, Valedictorian of Elementary, top 5 in middle school and now on the principle's list of highschool. (sorry to sound boastful) She says that the problem is my attitude and the fact that she can't trust me, but the ONLY reason why I give her attitude is basically because she won't give me a chance with this guy. I have never cared for a guy so much and would not have gone through all the trouble just to be with him. I was thinking of talking to her about him and compromising and agreeing to something, but more than half of me knows she won't agree. I'm afraid she'll just shut me off and get angry with me. But, I want to take the risk because she might come to understanding what I mean and feel. Do you think by talking to her and having a conversation with her about this will make her find me more mature and sincere? Or will it just end in a total wreck with her being all angry?
I really like this guy. I know he's not using me for anything or just wanting to have a girl. He really cares for me. I want to tell my mom this but I don't think she'd take me seriously. She might just laugh at my face and then get mad. How can I get her to understand and finally approve of this?
VictorM's advice:
Come on Stephanie, everyone has a good side. Even Hitler felt sorry for his dog when he had him killed. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a rotten guy, but I can understand why your mom focus on his bad side; that is the side to worry about.
You have been lying to your mother for over a year and now you want her to trust you? Trusting is very hard to do when you have been lied to. Your mom isn't about to be played the fool willingly.
If you approach your mom in a confrontational way and expecting to get all you want, you will lose. If, however, you are willing to be smart and realize that you may have to give a lot to get you on a path of trust with her, it could be positive. There is technique that I often advise here for exactly this type of conversation. Read this Question and Answer. It's not exactly your situation but close enough. Write back if you have more questions.
By stephanie, 15:
Hey Victor!
Well, I have a big problem dealing with my mom and my boyfriend. See, I've been going out with
him for almost a year and three months. This whole time, my mom had no idea. Actually she found out about it and went crazy. She's a very strict person and doesn't like me dating. She also has trust issues with me. I just want her acceptance for my boyfriend but she just flat out hates him. He's kind of a trouble maker but he has such a great side too. And most of the time, he just likes to play around. He's a great guy but my mom only sees his bad sides. I don't even know why she won't just give me a chance. I hate lying to her about this and if she just gave it a chance I know things would be better. I also do so good in school already. Straight A's and have never failed anything in my life, Valedictorian of Elementary, top 5 in middle school and now on the principle's list of highschool. (sorry to sound boastful) She says that the problem is my attitude and the fact that she can't trust me, but the ONLY reason why I give her attitude is basically because she won't give me a chance with this guy. I have never cared for a guy so much and would not have gone through all the trouble just to be with him. I was thinking of talking to her about him and compromising and agreeing to something, but more than half of me knows she won't agree. I'm afraid she'll just shut me off and get angry with me. But, I want to take the risk because she might come to understanding what I mean and feel. Do you think by talking to her and having a conversation with her about this will make her find me more mature and sincere? Or will it just end in a total wreck with her being all angry?
I really like this guy. I know he's not using me for anything or just wanting to have a girl. He really cares for me. I want to tell my mom this but I don't think she'd take me seriously. She might just laugh at my face and then get mad. How can I get her to understand and finally approve of this?
VictorM's advice:
Come on Stephanie, everyone has a good side. Even Hitler felt sorry for his dog when he had him killed. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a rotten guy, but I can understand why your mom focus on his bad side; that is the side to worry about.
You have been lying to your mother for over a year and now you want her to trust you? Trusting is very hard to do when you have been lied to. Your mom isn't about to be played the fool willingly.
If you approach your mom in a confrontational way and expecting to get all you want, you will lose. If, however, you are willing to be smart and realize that you may have to give a lot to get you on a path of trust with her, it could be positive. There is technique that I often advise here for exactly this type of conversation. Read this Question and Answer. It's not exactly your situation but close enough. Write back if you have more questions.
I am in love with a dear friend of mine
Submitted on Friday, January 18, 2008
By Gem, 25, from SC:
Dear Victor,
I have a unique situation, which I cannot speak to anyone else about. I have hopes that you would be able to help me, seeing that you do give excellent advice. You see, I am in love with a dear friend of mine and have been for 5 years. He doesn’t know, and I am debating whether or not I should make it known. BUT(!) there is a catch—a couple of catches, actually: 1.) He is married and has a son; and 2.) I honestly and truly don’t expect anything of him if I do tell him. I mean, from what I have seen, he is very happy with his wife and kid, so I can’t (and don’t!) expect him to leave them no matter what I feel for him. I don’t want to feel responsible for breaking up their relationship, as I have immense respect for him and his wife! At the same time, however, am I not allowed to be true to myself? Can’t I tell him that my feelings for him run deeper than friendship with the premise being that I’m doing this for my sake? I only want to reveal these feelings because this secret has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind for years, and I want this weight to be shifted. In short, should I spill the beans, or keep them bottled up and continue to agonize? And if I do spill the beans, what’s to become of our friendship even after I explain that I’m only revealing such thoughts to free my heart and mind? What should I do?
Gem
VictorM's advice:
DO NOT TELL HIM A THING!
OK, is that clear enough?
You ask: "am I not allowed to be true to myself?" Sure you are. The question is: what kind of person are you? Are you selfish and indifferent or considerate and loving? Accepting and respecting that he's happily married carries with it greater sense of truth than spilling the beans.
This secret is weighting heavily on your heart and that's where it should remain. He's not responsible for your feelings and you should not make it his burden. Doing so would not be a sign of love; it would be pure selfishness.
What do you expect will happen if you tell him? You really think it will help you? I really don't see how. For sure you will ruin the friendship with him and his wife. Do you expect him to hear this from you and not tell his wife?
He is totally off limits unless his marriage breaks down. You'd be wise to avoid him and start focusing on finding someone else. If you think he's the only guy you're capable of falling in love with you'd be wrong. You're just investing too much emotional energy on a losing cause instead of redirecting that energy to finding your own happiness.
By Gem, 25, from SC:
Dear Victor,
I have a unique situation, which I cannot speak to anyone else about. I have hopes that you would be able to help me, seeing that you do give excellent advice. You see, I am in love with a dear friend of mine and have been for 5 years. He doesn’t know, and I am debating whether or not I should make it known. BUT(!) there is a catch—a couple of catches, actually: 1.) He is married and has a son; and 2.) I honestly and truly don’t expect anything of him if I do tell him. I mean, from what I have seen, he is very happy with his wife and kid, so I can’t (and don’t!) expect him to leave them no matter what I feel for him. I don’t want to feel responsible for breaking up their relationship, as I have immense respect for him and his wife! At the same time, however, am I not allowed to be true to myself? Can’t I tell him that my feelings for him run deeper than friendship with the premise being that I’m doing this for my sake? I only want to reveal these feelings because this secret has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind for years, and I want this weight to be shifted. In short, should I spill the beans, or keep them bottled up and continue to agonize? And if I do spill the beans, what’s to become of our friendship even after I explain that I’m only revealing such thoughts to free my heart and mind? What should I do?
Gem
VictorM's advice:
DO NOT TELL HIM A THING!
OK, is that clear enough?
You ask: "am I not allowed to be true to myself?" Sure you are. The question is: what kind of person are you? Are you selfish and indifferent or considerate and loving? Accepting and respecting that he's happily married carries with it greater sense of truth than spilling the beans.
This secret is weighting heavily on your heart and that's where it should remain. He's not responsible for your feelings and you should not make it his burden. Doing so would not be a sign of love; it would be pure selfishness.
What do you expect will happen if you tell him? You really think it will help you? I really don't see how. For sure you will ruin the friendship with him and his wife. Do you expect him to hear this from you and not tell his wife?
He is totally off limits unless his marriage breaks down. You'd be wise to avoid him and start focusing on finding someone else. If you think he's the only guy you're capable of falling in love with you'd be wrong. You're just investing too much emotional energy on a losing cause instead of redirecting that energy to finding your own happiness.
Do I stand a chance at nabbing this guy?
Submitted on Thursday, January 17, 2008
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Hey, it's me...blowjob girl. :)
So, here is the status thus far:
- We sporadically chit-chat and message each other online and send each other random text messages, but we don't talk on the phone. I'm not much of a gabber; much rather be with the person and talk
- He asked me to go to dinner with him on Tuesday, I turned him down (had to do other things)
- He asked again to go to dinner yesterday, turned him down but invited him to meet me later to play pool
- We played pool and flirted with each other. Later we ate, made-out and groped each other, but no full-on contact.
Now, he was trying to get me to go over to his house afterward to "play Wii." I'm not stupid and know exactly what that meant. I turned him down, but stayed with him for about an hour or two in the parking lot, chatting and kissing.
My question is this: do I stand a chance at nabbing this guy for reasons other than anything sexual? I mean, I think he's a great guy. I obviously like talking to him and being with him. But am I going about it the right way?
What's the smart thing for me to do to let him know that I'm interested in HIM and not just sex with him (though that would be pretty bad-ass too, but just way later in the game).
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why you're asking me because frankly, I think you're doing great on your own.
Every guy is different but damn, a girl who gives "something else" blow jobs, plays pool, doesn't demand phone minutes, and is not clingy? Sounds like he hit the jackpot!
I just don't understand how you can pass up a chance to play "Wii" :)
By Griz, 24, from Miami, Fl:
Hey, it's me...blowjob girl. :)
So, here is the status thus far:
- We sporadically chit-chat and message each other online and send each other random text messages, but we don't talk on the phone. I'm not much of a gabber; much rather be with the person and talk
- He asked me to go to dinner with him on Tuesday, I turned him down (had to do other things)
- He asked again to go to dinner yesterday, turned him down but invited him to meet me later to play pool
- We played pool and flirted with each other. Later we ate, made-out and groped each other, but no full-on contact.
Now, he was trying to get me to go over to his house afterward to "play Wii." I'm not stupid and know exactly what that meant. I turned him down, but stayed with him for about an hour or two in the parking lot, chatting and kissing.
My question is this: do I stand a chance at nabbing this guy for reasons other than anything sexual? I mean, I think he's a great guy. I obviously like talking to him and being with him. But am I going about it the right way?
What's the smart thing for me to do to let him know that I'm interested in HIM and not just sex with him (though that would be pretty bad-ass too, but just way later in the game).
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why you're asking me because frankly, I think you're doing great on your own.
Every guy is different but damn, a girl who gives "something else" blow jobs, plays pool, doesn't demand phone minutes, and is not clingy? Sounds like he hit the jackpot!
I just don't understand how you can pass up a chance to play "Wii" :)
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Does he like me or does he hate me?
Submitted on Thursday, January 17, 2008
By Sammy, 17, from Virginia:
By Sammy, 17, from Virginia:
I'm a senior in High School and there is this guy I've known since last year. Beginning of junior year we had math together and we sat next to each other. Second semester junior year I had history with him and we got to pick our own seats and I decided to sit next to him and his friend. I got to know about him, he's very studious and is dedicated to his sport and hopes to go to an Ivy league school. He's so focused into his studies and his sport that he never seems to be interested in anything but doing well in school.
All of last year he would tease me and he and his friend gave me a nick name which is suppose to mean unaware/clueless. I think one week I was really stressed out and I would space out in his direction and he thought I was staring at him (I wasn't). He would then stare at me really intensly to make fun of what he thought I did. After class, I would walk to my next class taking the same route as he and his friend and they would say that I was "following them." Some of the things they did hurt me, but strangely enough when I would walk with just him he would talk to me nicely and we would share some laughs. There were a couple of times he would tease me and I would tell him "stop it please" and he would later apologize and say he was kidding. I tried to get him to give me his email address when we were talking about a website and I asked him for his email, but he refused to give it to me. Looking back I think I was oversensitive to some of the stuff he said to me, but I'm not sure. I had a crush on him all of last year and I still do, but we aren't in the same classes. I see him talking to other girls and I immediately think that he likes them. If we see one another after school he'll give me a holler and we'll walk and talk together.
I'm so confused, whats going on here? Does he like me or does he hate me? I'm confused.
VictorM's answer:
Neither.
(I love these short answers).
All of last year he would tease me and he and his friend gave me a nick name which is suppose to mean unaware/clueless. I think one week I was really stressed out and I would space out in his direction and he thought I was staring at him (I wasn't). He would then stare at me really intensly to make fun of what he thought I did. After class, I would walk to my next class taking the same route as he and his friend and they would say that I was "following them." Some of the things they did hurt me, but strangely enough when I would walk with just him he would talk to me nicely and we would share some laughs. There were a couple of times he would tease me and I would tell him "stop it please" and he would later apologize and say he was kidding. I tried to get him to give me his email address when we were talking about a website and I asked him for his email, but he refused to give it to me. Looking back I think I was oversensitive to some of the stuff he said to me, but I'm not sure. I had a crush on him all of last year and I still do, but we aren't in the same classes. I see him talking to other girls and I immediately think that he likes them. If we see one another after school he'll give me a holler and we'll walk and talk together.
I'm so confused, whats going on here? Does he like me or does he hate me? I'm confused.
VictorM's answer:
Neither.
(I love these short answers).
I need to understand this man's motives
Submitted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008
By Jenna, 32, from Ohio:
I need to understand this man's motives. This may sound weird but I have a male gynecologist that I been seeing for 5 years. He always ask personal questions about my marriage and husband. He wants to know intimiate details and begs me to tell him. He always staring at me and seems very nervous around me. He wants to know my work schedule, habits, and etc... Why is he so curious? Is it just cause I am his patient or what? He is not disrespectful but rather very curious about me. I walked out the office feeling kinda confused.
VictorM's answer:
I have never been to a gynecologist so I don't know what questions are normal. There may be a reason for those questions, I just don't know.
But don't discount that just because the man has a doctor's diploma that he can't also be a pervert, a jerk, an asshole, etc.
Anyway, I hope visitors use the comments section below to share their own experiences with gynecologists in this regard.
By Jenna, 32, from Ohio:
I need to understand this man's motives. This may sound weird but I have a male gynecologist that I been seeing for 5 years. He always ask personal questions about my marriage and husband. He wants to know intimiate details and begs me to tell him. He always staring at me and seems very nervous around me. He wants to know my work schedule, habits, and etc... Why is he so curious? Is it just cause I am his patient or what? He is not disrespectful but rather very curious about me. I walked out the office feeling kinda confused.
VictorM's answer:
I have never been to a gynecologist so I don't know what questions are normal. There may be a reason for those questions, I just don't know.
But don't discount that just because the man has a doctor's diploma that he can't also be a pervert, a jerk, an asshole, etc.
Anyway, I hope visitors use the comments section below to share their own experiences with gynecologists in this regard.
Why visit my profile after he knew it was me?
Submitted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008
By sara, 28, from uk:
me again!! well i've been doing no contact with that guy....trying to get him out of my head etc. anyway....i put myself back up on this dating site i'd been on before...it takes 48 hours to approve your photos so all you can see is what i've writen etc. whilst i was waiting for my photos to show....guess who visited my profile 10 times a day?? he did...
i didnt know he was on this site...so was a bit shocked to see him there i can tell you!! anyway....he added me to his hotlist and kept viewing my profile....up until the day when my photos appeared. since then he's viewed my profile a few times again.
i went out on a date the other night and got on with this guy really well....so when i got home i changed my status message on facebook to say that i think i may have actually met someone who could keep up with me....
the old guy messaged me straight away....asking about the other guy and saying that if he could keep up with me then he must be doing well haha!! i replied just saying yeah he is...happy days haha!!
now...firstly....why visit my profile after he knew it was me?? if he wanted to just cut ties with me? and why message me about my facebook status message??
i did really like him...as you know...and i know i messed up a bit at the start....but i don't really understand him!! also....could you tell me why he would tell me that he was deleting my number....and ask me if that was ok? that i REALLY don't understand...
thank you !! xxx
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't like you but that doesn't mean he doesn't want you to like him. His narcissistic nature wants you to want him. It's all an ego thing. None of what he did was a reflection of how he feels about you. If you think it is, you'd be wrong.
By sara, 28, from uk:
me again!! well i've been doing no contact with that guy....trying to get him out of my head etc. anyway....i put myself back up on this dating site i'd been on before...it takes 48 hours to approve your photos so all you can see is what i've writen etc. whilst i was waiting for my photos to show....guess who visited my profile 10 times a day?? he did...
i didnt know he was on this site...so was a bit shocked to see him there i can tell you!! anyway....he added me to his hotlist and kept viewing my profile....up until the day when my photos appeared. since then he's viewed my profile a few times again.
i went out on a date the other night and got on with this guy really well....so when i got home i changed my status message on facebook to say that i think i may have actually met someone who could keep up with me....
the old guy messaged me straight away....asking about the other guy and saying that if he could keep up with me then he must be doing well haha!! i replied just saying yeah he is...happy days haha!!
now...firstly....why visit my profile after he knew it was me?? if he wanted to just cut ties with me? and why message me about my facebook status message??
i did really like him...as you know...and i know i messed up a bit at the start....but i don't really understand him!! also....could you tell me why he would tell me that he was deleting my number....and ask me if that was ok? that i REALLY don't understand...
thank you !! xxx
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't like you but that doesn't mean he doesn't want you to like him. His narcissistic nature wants you to want him. It's all an ego thing. None of what he did was a reflection of how he feels about you. If you think it is, you'd be wrong.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
What drives a man wild in the bedroom?
Submitted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
What drives a man wild in the bedroom? I want to really treat this guy I've been seeing and I'm going to dress up sexy for him. What will really make his night? And please don't say football :)
VictorM's advice:
Not just any football, but ManU with C. Ronaldo? AC Milan with Kaka? Barcelona with Messi? Now we're talking; even wild sex comes second best.
Anyway... sexual preference is a very individual thing. I wouldn't even venture a guess what this guy might like. As we have seen in recent Questions and Answers, it could vary greatly. Griz, for example, found that a spontaneous blow-job could be judged as "something else". On the other hand, Shannon found that just mentioning sex got her in hot water. So you can never tell.
Lindsay, first, make sure he's not gay. After that, if you dress sexy for him and are willing to put out, you're halfway to driving him wild (CAUTION: if the date is this Saturday, just make sure it's not at the same time as the Celtic vs Kilmarnock match).
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
What drives a man wild in the bedroom? I want to really treat this guy I've been seeing and I'm going to dress up sexy for him. What will really make his night? And please don't say football :)
VictorM's advice:
Not just any football, but ManU with C. Ronaldo? AC Milan with Kaka? Barcelona with Messi? Now we're talking; even wild sex comes second best.
Anyway... sexual preference is a very individual thing. I wouldn't even venture a guess what this guy might like. As we have seen in recent Questions and Answers, it could vary greatly. Griz, for example, found that a spontaneous blow-job could be judged as "something else". On the other hand, Shannon found that just mentioning sex got her in hot water. So you can never tell.
Lindsay, first, make sure he's not gay. After that, if you dress sexy for him and are willing to put out, you're halfway to driving him wild (CAUTION: if the date is this Saturday, just make sure it's not at the same time as the Celtic vs Kilmarnock match).
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
It seems like he wasn't ready for me
Submitted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008
By Adrienne, 14, from New Jersey:
I asked out my friend three times, and it seems like he wasn't ready for me. Well, I just met him this year, and I probably took it too quick. But I asked him: "In the future, would you go out with me?" he goes and replies "maybe". All my friends that I have asked said that he likes me, but they are not him. In my point of view, that maybe is a "no". Is my answer correct
By Adrienne, 14, from New Jersey:
I asked out my friend three times, and it seems like he wasn't ready for me. Well, I just met him this year, and I probably took it too quick. But I asked him: "In the future, would you go out with me?" he goes and replies "maybe". All my friends that I have asked said that he likes me, but they are not him. In my point of view, that maybe is a "no". Is my answer correct