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Monday, December 31, 2007
How can I make my boyfriend think about marrying me?
Submittedon Monday, December 31, 2007
By May, 28, from Egypt:
Hi,
How can I make my boyfriend think about marrying me? I really like him but I don't know how to make him think about marriage. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Have you tried the traditional methods, like feigning pregnancy? Actually getting pregnant? Putting a gun to his head? Threatening to have your 7 brothers beat the living daylights out of him? Paying him?
I kid.
I don't know of a way to make him want to marry. Marriage is hard enough that it's something that two people (or more depending on the country or state) should enter into totally voluntarily and only when they feel ready.
The best you can do is ascertain what reasons he has and work on each of his objections one by one. Be aware that often people don't mention the real reason right away, so you have to keep digging. One technique for doing that goes like this:
You: So, what's you apprehension about marriage?
Him: We don't have enough money.
You: OK... so if money was no object, would you be ready to marry me?
There's a chance he'd bluff and say yes, but most likely, he'll come back with another reason instead.
Him: Well, no, I don't feel I know you well enough.
You: So when you feel you know me well enough you will be ready to marry me?
Him: Well... also, I'm not sure where we should live.
You: So, when we figure out where to live you'll be ready to marry me?
Him. No, not really... see, I really hate your family with a passion... I can't stomach your uncle and his affairs with the goats, I hate how your brother is always touching your boobs, your father tried to screw me in the ass, and you.... you... you drool when you're watching a movie and your farts are the absolute worst, and why oh why do you insist on wearing camel dung as makeup?
See? Now you have something to work with.
By May, 28, from Egypt:
Hi,
How can I make my boyfriend think about marrying me? I really like him but I don't know how to make him think about marriage. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Have you tried the traditional methods, like feigning pregnancy? Actually getting pregnant? Putting a gun to his head? Threatening to have your 7 brothers beat the living daylights out of him? Paying him?
I kid.
I don't know of a way to make him want to marry. Marriage is hard enough that it's something that two people (or more depending on the country or state) should enter into totally voluntarily and only when they feel ready.
The best you can do is ascertain what reasons he has and work on each of his objections one by one. Be aware that often people don't mention the real reason right away, so you have to keep digging. One technique for doing that goes like this:
You: So, what's you apprehension about marriage?
Him: We don't have enough money.
You: OK... so if money was no object, would you be ready to marry me?
There's a chance he'd bluff and say yes, but most likely, he'll come back with another reason instead.
Him: Well, no, I don't feel I know you well enough.
You: So when you feel you know me well enough you will be ready to marry me?
Him: Well... also, I'm not sure where we should live.
You: So, when we figure out where to live you'll be ready to marry me?
Him. No, not really... see, I really hate your family with a passion... I can't stomach your uncle and his affairs with the goats, I hate how your brother is always touching your boobs, your father tried to screw me in the ass, and you.... you... you drool when you're watching a movie and your farts are the absolute worst, and why oh why do you insist on wearing camel dung as makeup?
See? Now you have something to work with.
Ex wants her back
Submitted on Sunday, December 30, 2007
By Doll, 24, from UK:
EX WANTS ME BACK - WAS HE CHEATING????
I was with a guy for about 8 months - I'm 24, he's 34. All of a sudden he started acting a little shady/distant...he was having work problems.
One Saturday morning he told me he was busy with a few things - I happen to see him (no joke) walking on the coast with anohter woman (quite a bit older than me) and her dog. I flipped out and approached - he said there's nothing going on - he had just been made redundant the day before, the girl works in recruitment/human resources and he was asking for advice. Turns out she's married and does work for the company he said in recruitment.
Still, he lied to me, and I still don't believe his story - get the niggling feeling he was cheating?????
He then said he needed a break to sort himself out and was going to Europe - turns out he never went.
So, given the above, all the lies, I told him where to go and we're over.
In the past couple of months I've found out he was in some serious family/criminal trouble - obviously didn't want to tell me.
Just last week he sends a massive bouquet of flowers to my house (I still live at home with my parents) and a hand-written letter saying he loves me, misses me, has so much to explain but doesn't know where to start
I've ignored it - threw out the flowers - but it's so hard. I loved this guy, we had spoken about marriage etc, just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
A relationship is not a court of law; you don't need proof of anything to make a decision. You were lied to and now you are following your gut. Good for you. So what if he loves you truly? What good is the love of a man you don't trust?
But, I have to tell you, one of the biggest blows to a man's ego is the loss of a job. It doesn't surprise me that he didn't want to tell you about that and was out looking to find another job. He went to one person who could help him. It just turned out that person is a woman. He could very well be telling the truth about that. However, I suspect you have other reasons to doubt his story, such as the trip to Europe. And family criminal activity? Fishy!
There seems to be enough smoke there to worry about a fire. In a case like this, I tell you: follow your gut.
By Doll, 24, from UK:
EX WANTS ME BACK - WAS HE CHEATING????
I was with a guy for about 8 months - I'm 24, he's 34. All of a sudden he started acting a little shady/distant...he was having work problems.
One Saturday morning he told me he was busy with a few things - I happen to see him (no joke) walking on the coast with anohter woman (quite a bit older than me) and her dog. I flipped out and approached - he said there's nothing going on - he had just been made redundant the day before, the girl works in recruitment/human resources and he was asking for advice. Turns out she's married and does work for the company he said in recruitment.
Still, he lied to me, and I still don't believe his story - get the niggling feeling he was cheating?????
He then said he needed a break to sort himself out and was going to Europe - turns out he never went.
So, given the above, all the lies, I told him where to go and we're over.
In the past couple of months I've found out he was in some serious family/criminal trouble - obviously didn't want to tell me.
Just last week he sends a massive bouquet of flowers to my house (I still live at home with my parents) and a hand-written letter saying he loves me, misses me, has so much to explain but doesn't know where to start
I've ignored it - threw out the flowers - but it's so hard. I loved this guy, we had spoken about marriage etc, just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
A relationship is not a court of law; you don't need proof of anything to make a decision. You were lied to and now you are following your gut. Good for you. So what if he loves you truly? What good is the love of a man you don't trust?
But, I have to tell you, one of the biggest blows to a man's ego is the loss of a job. It doesn't surprise me that he didn't want to tell you about that and was out looking to find another job. He went to one person who could help him. It just turned out that person is a woman. He could very well be telling the truth about that. However, I suspect you have other reasons to doubt his story, such as the trip to Europe. And family criminal activity? Fishy!
There seems to be enough smoke there to worry about a fire. In a case like this, I tell you: follow your gut.
Money and love
Submitted on Sunday, December 30, 2007
By ada, 33:
Hi Victor, I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He had strong financial problems before and I was born in a wealthy family, but I am not rich. In the past, we always fight over the money issues. He always needs money from me and thought I had lots of money. We separated in the past three months and we are back together now. The problem here is he became very successful in his own bussiness now and he wants to be with me. He said he wants me to make some money too and invite me to be in the partnership for 20% (he has no problem with money). I said I don't have much money, but it is nice to do so. Then, later, he said it is OK if you don't want to invest money, that later, his money will be mine also. I tried to test him if he really means so, so I said I would invest 20% but he gives me 5% more. He said "no". That hurts me because what he said is not what he meant it. He said business is business, but I want to be treated special. In the past, I always asked him to return me money, and he thinks I always make money very clear with him. By that time I was not rich and I was not sure if he loves me for real. Please correct me if the way I think is wong. I don't want there is a big gap between us because of the money matter if one day we get marry. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy... what a mess. Money and love don't mix. Throw in testing your partner and you really have a relationship bound for disaster. Given the behavior of you two, I don't see you being able to get over it. But if it's possible, it's the way he says it: business is business. Keep your financial situation out of your relationship.
If money is not the driving force in your life, take your money and invest it somewhere else.
By ada, 33:
Hi Victor, I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He had strong financial problems before and I was born in a wealthy family, but I am not rich. In the past, we always fight over the money issues. He always needs money from me and thought I had lots of money. We separated in the past three months and we are back together now. The problem here is he became very successful in his own bussiness now and he wants to be with me. He said he wants me to make some money too and invite me to be in the partnership for 20% (he has no problem with money). I said I don't have much money, but it is nice to do so. Then, later, he said it is OK if you don't want to invest money, that later, his money will be mine also. I tried to test him if he really means so, so I said I would invest 20% but he gives me 5% more. He said "no". That hurts me because what he said is not what he meant it. He said business is business, but I want to be treated special. In the past, I always asked him to return me money, and he thinks I always make money very clear with him. By that time I was not rich and I was not sure if he loves me for real. Please correct me if the way I think is wong. I don't want there is a big gap between us because of the money matter if one day we get marry. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy... what a mess. Money and love don't mix. Throw in testing your partner and you really have a relationship bound for disaster. Given the behavior of you two, I don't see you being able to get over it. But if it's possible, it's the way he says it: business is business. Keep your financial situation out of your relationship.
If money is not the driving force in your life, take your money and invest it somewhere else.
A girl with boobs and a butt and a body
Submitted on Sunday, December 30, 2007
By tori, 13, from tennessee:
Say you're a girl with boobs and a butt and a body... what if that girl gets a lot of boyfriends? Do they like her for what she is or what she looks like? Tell me because I'm that girl.
Thanks -tori
VictorM's answer:
Such a girl is always going to attract a large number of boys. It's only natural because males of any age usually get attracted first to physical looks. Some boys will just see your looks; some will see your looks and go beyond it. As an attractive girl, it's up to you to learn to judge each boy and decide if he sees more than your looks or if he just wants some booty.
But Tori... brace yourself. A girl like you will attract a lot of the "wrong" kinda boys. It's the price of beauty. Learn to live with it.
By tori, 13, from tennessee:
Say you're a girl with boobs and a butt and a body... what if that girl gets a lot of boyfriends? Do they like her for what she is or what she looks like? Tell me because I'm that girl.
Thanks -tori
VictorM's answer:
Such a girl is always going to attract a large number of boys. It's only natural because males of any age usually get attracted first to physical looks. Some boys will just see your looks; some will see your looks and go beyond it. As an attractive girl, it's up to you to learn to judge each boy and decide if he sees more than your looks or if he just wants some booty.
But Tori... brace yourself. A girl like you will attract a lot of the "wrong" kinda boys. It's the price of beauty. Learn to live with it.
He woke me up by kissing my neck
Submitted on Sunday, December 30, 2007
By Julie, 29, from Orlando, FL:
Hi Victor,
I've been hanging out with this guy since the beginning of November. We have been intimate with each other on several occassions. The other night I spent the night at his place. In the middle of the night he woke me up by kissing my neck then he told me he loved me. I thought he was talking in his sleep so I asked him what he said, and he said he loved me again. About a minute later he was back to sleep. The next morning I asked him if he rememebered kissing my neck in the middle of the night, and he told me no. I didn't ask about what he said. Do you think he was just talking in his sleep? I'm confused because he not only said it once but twice. Thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
It's totally possible that he doesn't remember. Here's a quote about sleepwalking (if indeed is the case with him):
By Julie, 29, from Orlando, FL:
Hi Victor,
I've been hanging out with this guy since the beginning of November. We have been intimate with each other on several occassions. The other night I spent the night at his place. In the middle of the night he woke me up by kissing my neck then he told me he loved me. I thought he was talking in his sleep so I asked him what he said, and he said he loved me again. About a minute later he was back to sleep. The next morning I asked him if he rememebered kissing my neck in the middle of the night, and he told me no. I didn't ask about what he said. Do you think he was just talking in his sleep? I'm confused because he not only said it once but twice. Thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
It's totally possible that he doesn't remember. Here's a quote about sleepwalking (if indeed is the case with him):
Sleepwalkers may merely sit up, or they may get out of bed and wander. Sleepwalking typically occurs in the first few hours of sleep. The sleepwalker's eyes are open, but they usually have a blank expression on their face and walk with a rather rigid, unsteady gait. Sleepwalkers may walk around the house, eat or go to the bathroom. Some even get dressed and leave the house, but this occurs only rarely.
While sleepwalking, they can avoid obstacles, respond to commands, and perform complex actions like making sandwiches or arranging furniture. The sleepwalking episodes last from a few minutes to about a half hour. Usually they will return to their bed for the night. However, some come to rest in a hallway, another room or someone else's bed. Since they are sleeping during the whole episode, there is usually no memory of what happened when they wake up in the morning.
Now the question is, Did he mean what he said in his sleep? Well, this get a little dicier. It's possible that the answer is yes, or that he feels like he can love you but is not ready to say that for sure. So I wouldn't jump to any conclusions yet.There have been rumors... part 2
Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Alexandra, 14, from Hermitage,TN:
I am replying to your response to THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS AROUND THE SCHOOL. See, it's not as easy as telling him to kiss me because if I told him he would freak out. Also, my stepdad is always up our asses when he's here. Anything to help with that?! Thanks, -Alexandra
VictorM's advice:
And what exactly is the problem with freaking him out? Trust me, he's going to like it! Boys live to be freaked out! It'll be a great memory to have. Do it already!
But the stepdad... that's a different problem, but probably a good one because see, once you freak out your boyfriend with a kiss, believe you me, he'll want more. And your stepdad being around is a good thing. We don't want you two kids going freaky dicky and have sex* all over the house!
* I know, I know, you wouldn't do that. I'm just kidding.
By Alexandra, 14, from Hermitage,TN:
I am replying to your response to THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS AROUND THE SCHOOL. See, it's not as easy as telling him to kiss me because if I told him he would freak out. Also, my stepdad is always up our asses when he's here. Anything to help with that?! Thanks, -Alexandra
VictorM's advice:
And what exactly is the problem with freaking him out? Trust me, he's going to like it! Boys live to be freaked out! It'll be a great memory to have. Do it already!
But the stepdad... that's a different problem, but probably a good one because see, once you freak out your boyfriend with a kiss, believe you me, he'll want more. And your stepdad being around is a good thing. We don't want you two kids going freaky dicky and have sex* all over the house!
* I know, I know, you wouldn't do that. I'm just kidding.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
He's not yet my boyfriend, part 3
Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Maria:
Hi once more. This is Maria from parts 1 & 2 of "He's not yet my boyfriend." Don't worry, I'm not here to yell again. Haha, sorry about that..I was a bit emotional when I wrote last. If it came across as abrasive or harsh, I didn't mean it to. I wanted to explain the reason I had gotten so upset at your first response to me.
Obviously the topic of "Joe" and I is a senstive one for me, one which has had me very emotional and confused recently. You would not believe how many people approach me every week saying, "So...you and 'Joe' are a new item now, huh? Officially boyfriend and girlfriend. That's so exciting for you!" It leaves me overwhelmed and unsure of things. Obviously Joe and I's behavior shows enough interest in each other to give off the impression that we are excusive...and yet...we haven't even kissed. It leaves me with very mixed signals about what is going on with us and how into me Joe really is. It makes me question his hesitation and the reasoning behind it, since he is obviously attracted to me in some shape or form. The other day he told me he's never seen me look bad a single day that he's known me. His behavior has become increasingly flirty in the past week or so...even more so than the usual. We talked for about an hour and a half today on instant message...and it was the flirtiest conversation we've had yet...nothing serious, but like there was a lot of teasing each other about intimate things...such as spanking and other physical stuff like that. It's like we can TALK hypothetically and tease each other about doing intimate/physical things with each other, but in person none of it ever happens. And I don't know why. I don't know if he's maybe just a flirt and it doesn't mean anything... or if that type of teasing implies his underlying desire to do those types of things with me and teasing is easier than actually initiating it for real? I know that for me...it is the 2nd one.
However in the meantime, we have made plans to get together for our 7th date. I am very excited about that! I had mentioned hanging out to him the other day and he said yes right away. But this is the other thing... "Joe" has blatantly told me that he is not a planner....And so I am taking his word for that. Some guys just aren't, I underdstand that. (I'm being very trusting of what he says there...aren't you proud of me?) :-D)
However, I have noticed that although we continue to go out a lot and we always have THE BEST TIME....It is usually ME who suggests it. I usually will have to say "I want to see you soon...When are you free?" And then he will suggest a day. Or I will have to practically hand the idea to him on a silver platter...Such as saying, "You know I heard about this really good movie..Did you ever see it? I think it's still playing." and from there he will THEN say "Let me check if it's still in theatres. We should check it out together." So while he is always very eager to get together, and he will hang out with me at last minute even, say if I text him or something....and we always have a great time...I usually have to bring it up to him. I often wish that HE would ask me. However, when I told him that very playfully once (I am beginning to realize that we address most issues through playful teasing with one another)...he responded by saying, "Yeeeeahh...about that....I'm just not a very good planner. I try to be, but I'm just not."
And he says he doesn't like having to be the decision maker, such as deciding what to do for the evening, or which movie to see that night. I believe he would rather have his eyes clawed out by a bear than be asked to choose "Where do you want to eat tonight?" Hahaha...but it would still be nice for him to make an effort in this area. Even if he just said, "We should get together soon..." I would have no problem picking the time and place. I DO trust him when he says he's not a planner, but how would you suggest that I let him know my feelings about this. I don't want to make it a big deal.
Anyways, I guess that's why I was so upset the other night. It is just a very confusing situation for me... I feel I am recieving some mixed signals here. And then your suggestion that he might not be interested in me through me over the edge, because if that was true, I would be really hurt. I feel like he DOES like me, and IS attracted to me...but something is holding him back. I don't know what to do or think. I am eager to see how things go on the next date. (Exactly a week from today.) Wish me luck....and i look forward to reading part 3 of this never ending saga. LOL.
VictorM's answer:
Maria, if I got paid by the number of words posted, you'd make me a rich man. :)
Spankings, huh? Kinky!
Anyway... back to "work"...
Sorry I brought so much anguish to your life but there's a different tone to your subsequent messages than the first one about how he may feel about you.
Guys are notoriously slow at getting to a relationship stage. Considering all that you've told me, his behavior is consistent with natural caution. I know that as a girl you want him to be bleeding and dying with the burning desire to be with you. But that's not the way it happens most of the times, certainly not with the type of guys that are more thinkers, as this guy seems to be.
Do believe his "no planner" personality (and yes, I'm proud of you :)). Right now he's just thrilled to be with you, it doesn't matter to him where you go. I had a Question+Answer on that same topic which you can read here (make sure to read the comments section, that's where all the good stuff is), so I won't rehash it. But accept that it is part of his personality. You can't change him anymore than you can make him funnier. In time he may change a bit, but don't count on it.
As for the flirting online, it all sounds very natural to me. There's no commitment in expressing the wildest sexual fantasies online, but a mere kiss in person could imply "relationship". Online expressions are devoid of any real meaning. They are just fun. Take it for what it is. It does show, however, that he has a playful personality, one you're likely to discover once you get past that darned first kiss.
So all we are down to are girl's typical burning desire to "catch" the guy, to get him to commit, to pledge his undying love and affection to you, like... yesterday! He has a different time table. That's all. I wish you could enjoy the ride instead of anguishing over it.
Let us know about the 7th date... specially if it goes so well that it leads to spankings. ;)
By Maria:
Hi once more. This is Maria from parts 1 & 2 of "He's not yet my boyfriend." Don't worry, I'm not here to yell again. Haha, sorry about that..I was a bit emotional when I wrote last. If it came across as abrasive or harsh, I didn't mean it to. I wanted to explain the reason I had gotten so upset at your first response to me.
Obviously the topic of "Joe" and I is a senstive one for me, one which has had me very emotional and confused recently. You would not believe how many people approach me every week saying, "So...you and 'Joe' are a new item now, huh? Officially boyfriend and girlfriend. That's so exciting for you!" It leaves me overwhelmed and unsure of things. Obviously Joe and I's behavior shows enough interest in each other to give off the impression that we are excusive...and yet...we haven't even kissed. It leaves me with very mixed signals about what is going on with us and how into me Joe really is. It makes me question his hesitation and the reasoning behind it, since he is obviously attracted to me in some shape or form. The other day he told me he's never seen me look bad a single day that he's known me. His behavior has become increasingly flirty in the past week or so...even more so than the usual. We talked for about an hour and a half today on instant message...and it was the flirtiest conversation we've had yet...nothing serious, but like there was a lot of teasing each other about intimate things...such as spanking and other physical stuff like that. It's like we can TALK hypothetically and tease each other about doing intimate/physical things with each other, but in person none of it ever happens. And I don't know why. I don't know if he's maybe just a flirt and it doesn't mean anything... or if that type of teasing implies his underlying desire to do those types of things with me and teasing is easier than actually initiating it for real? I know that for me...it is the 2nd one.
However in the meantime, we have made plans to get together for our 7th date. I am very excited about that! I had mentioned hanging out to him the other day and he said yes right away. But this is the other thing... "Joe" has blatantly told me that he is not a planner....And so I am taking his word for that. Some guys just aren't, I underdstand that. (I'm being very trusting of what he says there...aren't you proud of me?) :-D)
However, I have noticed that although we continue to go out a lot and we always have THE BEST TIME....It is usually ME who suggests it. I usually will have to say "I want to see you soon...When are you free?" And then he will suggest a day. Or I will have to practically hand the idea to him on a silver platter...Such as saying, "You know I heard about this really good movie..Did you ever see it? I think it's still playing." and from there he will THEN say "Let me check if it's still in theatres. We should check it out together." So while he is always very eager to get together, and he will hang out with me at last minute even, say if I text him or something....and we always have a great time...I usually have to bring it up to him. I often wish that HE would ask me. However, when I told him that very playfully once (I am beginning to realize that we address most issues through playful teasing with one another)...he responded by saying, "Yeeeeahh...about that....I'm just not a very good planner. I try to be, but I'm just not."
And he says he doesn't like having to be the decision maker, such as deciding what to do for the evening, or which movie to see that night. I believe he would rather have his eyes clawed out by a bear than be asked to choose "Where do you want to eat tonight?" Hahaha...but it would still be nice for him to make an effort in this area. Even if he just said, "We should get together soon..." I would have no problem picking the time and place. I DO trust him when he says he's not a planner, but how would you suggest that I let him know my feelings about this. I don't want to make it a big deal.
Anyways, I guess that's why I was so upset the other night. It is just a very confusing situation for me... I feel I am recieving some mixed signals here. And then your suggestion that he might not be interested in me through me over the edge, because if that was true, I would be really hurt. I feel like he DOES like me, and IS attracted to me...but something is holding him back. I don't know what to do or think. I am eager to see how things go on the next date. (Exactly a week from today.) Wish me luck....and i look forward to reading part 3 of this never ending saga. LOL.
VictorM's answer:
Maria, if I got paid by the number of words posted, you'd make me a rich man. :)
Spankings, huh? Kinky!
Anyway... back to "work"...
Sorry I brought so much anguish to your life but there's a different tone to your subsequent messages than the first one about how he may feel about you.
Guys are notoriously slow at getting to a relationship stage. Considering all that you've told me, his behavior is consistent with natural caution. I know that as a girl you want him to be bleeding and dying with the burning desire to be with you. But that's not the way it happens most of the times, certainly not with the type of guys that are more thinkers, as this guy seems to be.
Do believe his "no planner" personality (and yes, I'm proud of you :)). Right now he's just thrilled to be with you, it doesn't matter to him where you go. I had a Question+Answer on that same topic which you can read here (make sure to read the comments section, that's where all the good stuff is), so I won't rehash it. But accept that it is part of his personality. You can't change him anymore than you can make him funnier. In time he may change a bit, but don't count on it.
As for the flirting online, it all sounds very natural to me. There's no commitment in expressing the wildest sexual fantasies online, but a mere kiss in person could imply "relationship". Online expressions are devoid of any real meaning. They are just fun. Take it for what it is. It does show, however, that he has a playful personality, one you're likely to discover once you get past that darned first kiss.
So all we are down to are girl's typical burning desire to "catch" the guy, to get him to commit, to pledge his undying love and affection to you, like... yesterday! He has a different time table. That's all. I wish you could enjoy the ride instead of anguishing over it.
Let us know about the 7th date... specially if it goes so well that it leads to spankings. ;)
He wants to continue having separate vacations
Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Lynn, 40, from Texas:
Should I marry a man if he wants to continue having separate vacations and holidays with his teenage children after we are married (without me and my children)? He is widowed, not divorced.
VictorM's advice:
Without a doubt and any hesitation -- YES!
Him and his children had a life before you came along. They are already teenagers, not little ones that can be incorporated into your new family. They have memories of their own of a family crushed by tragedy. His willingness to honor and respect those memories and want to stay connected to them this way speaks volumes about his commitment to loved ones and to the memory of his previous life.
A man that committed to his past and to his children is more likely than most to give you the same kind of commitment and respect. Besides, he'll be with them but a handful of days a year; the rest of the time he'll be forming new memories with you and your children.
Not only should you appreciate him for wanting to be with his children alone for a few days, you should encourage him to do it and receive him with open arms when he returns.
But if the above reasons make no sense to you, don't marry him; he deserves better.
By Lynn, 40, from Texas:
Should I marry a man if he wants to continue having separate vacations and holidays with his teenage children after we are married (without me and my children)? He is widowed, not divorced.
VictorM's advice:
Without a doubt and any hesitation -- YES!
Him and his children had a life before you came along. They are already teenagers, not little ones that can be incorporated into your new family. They have memories of their own of a family crushed by tragedy. His willingness to honor and respect those memories and want to stay connected to them this way speaks volumes about his commitment to loved ones and to the memory of his previous life.
A man that committed to his past and to his children is more likely than most to give you the same kind of commitment and respect. Besides, he'll be with them but a handful of days a year; the rest of the time he'll be forming new memories with you and your children.
Not only should you appreciate him for wanting to be with his children alone for a few days, you should encourage him to do it and receive him with open arms when he returns.
But if the above reasons make no sense to you, don't marry him; he deserves better.
He dumped me for another girl
Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Megan, 21, from Boston:
A while ago I was dating this guy. I liked him a lot. However, he dumped me for another girl. He kept in touch during the time he was dating her, and he always asked if he could visit me and see me. Now he tells me that he made a mistake and picked the wrong girl. He broke his own heart the day he let me go. He also said he could really see himself with me. Then he broke down almost in tears because he is leaving for the army in a few months. But he said that we could write to each other and talk on the phone, and he gets leaves and will come visit. I am honestly at a loss here with what to do. I still care for him very much. But I don't know if I can trust him. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
I think he means what he says, but don't be fooled by that. Finding that the other girl was the wrong one doesn't make you all of a sudden the right one. There's a reason he was willing to drop you and that reason hasn't changed, even if he can't put his finger on it. He's coming back to the familiar and comfortable, not the passionate, a common reaction for guys in limbo. If you didn't light him up with passion before, why would you now?
You'd be wiser to spend your time looking for a guy who is seriously into you and you into him, instead of wasting your time with one who is just in need of some temporary comfort and that you no longer trust.
By Megan, 21, from Boston:
A while ago I was dating this guy. I liked him a lot. However, he dumped me for another girl. He kept in touch during the time he was dating her, and he always asked if he could visit me and see me. Now he tells me that he made a mistake and picked the wrong girl. He broke his own heart the day he let me go. He also said he could really see himself with me. Then he broke down almost in tears because he is leaving for the army in a few months. But he said that we could write to each other and talk on the phone, and he gets leaves and will come visit. I am honestly at a loss here with what to do. I still care for him very much. But I don't know if I can trust him. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
I think he means what he says, but don't be fooled by that. Finding that the other girl was the wrong one doesn't make you all of a sudden the right one. There's a reason he was willing to drop you and that reason hasn't changed, even if he can't put his finger on it. He's coming back to the familiar and comfortable, not the passionate, a common reaction for guys in limbo. If you didn't light him up with passion before, why would you now?
You'd be wiser to spend your time looking for a guy who is seriously into you and you into him, instead of wasting your time with one who is just in need of some temporary comfort and that you no longer trust.
Should I ignore him?
Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Molly, 14, from Vermont:
I have a pretty good guy friend who I like as more than a friend. His best friend knew I liked him. Sometime during the last week before winter break, my crush/friend found out how I feel about him. I haven't talked to him about my liking him, although we've been keeping in regular contact over the break through email. But, the emails have been getting much shorter and less personal (i.e. he used to tease me all the time and they used to be very long but now they are very impersonal and only a few sentences long). I know for sure he knows I like him. When we go back to school right after new year's, what should I do? Should I sit with him in the classes I have with him like I always do, or should I ignore him? Should I ask him to talk about it? Please help me! I don't want to lose my friend!
VictorM's advice:
No, do not talk to him about it. Do nothing difference when you go back to school. Sit with him and act as if nothing has changed.
What's going on with the shorter, less personal emails is he doesn't want to lead you on, so he's pulled back. We can gather from this that he's not interested in anything more than friendship with you, for now anyway. Actually, the thought of something serious with a girl can be downright scary to boys your age.
Continue to be his friend and do not bring up any topics other than what you normally would talk about as a friend. Once he sees you're not about to go "when are we getting married?" on him, he's bound to relax and resume being friendly again.
By Molly, 14, from Vermont:
I have a pretty good guy friend who I like as more than a friend. His best friend knew I liked him. Sometime during the last week before winter break, my crush/friend found out how I feel about him. I haven't talked to him about my liking him, although we've been keeping in regular contact over the break through email. But, the emails have been getting much shorter and less personal (i.e. he used to tease me all the time and they used to be very long but now they are very impersonal and only a few sentences long). I know for sure he knows I like him. When we go back to school right after new year's, what should I do? Should I sit with him in the classes I have with him like I always do, or should I ignore him? Should I ask him to talk about it? Please help me! I don't want to lose my friend!
VictorM's advice:
No, do not talk to him about it. Do nothing difference when you go back to school. Sit with him and act as if nothing has changed.
What's going on with the shorter, less personal emails is he doesn't want to lead you on, so he's pulled back. We can gather from this that he's not interested in anything more than friendship with you, for now anyway. Actually, the thought of something serious with a girl can be downright scary to boys your age.
Continue to be his friend and do not bring up any topics other than what you normally would talk about as a friend. Once he sees you're not about to go "when are we getting married?" on him, he's bound to relax and resume being friendly again.
We don't have any problems... part 2
Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Anonymous, 17:
Hi its me again. Victor you helped me with the "We don't have any problems except for one - his ex" situation, but its grown even bigger.
My Boyfriend and I have been doing very well. Everything was fine until about 4 days ago. One of our friends was having a sleepover party for all the jews on christmas eve. My bf and I were talking about it for a while, and at first I wasnt going to go. But then I had a weird feeling and told him to pick me up in 20 min. When I called him, he said: "by the way, my ex is gonna be there." I got frustrated and told him I am definitely going. She opened the door and introduced herself. I said hi and walked by. Her friend looked at her and said "no competition" which wasn't a suprise to me at all. I knew she was trying to get him. Then she told her friend she can "blow up his spot" and when I over heard her, I quietly took him to the side, and told him if there's anything I need to know he should tell me now. Well, this girl is an idiot. My bf did nothing wrong. My bf went upstairs and she went after him. When they came downstairs she walked right up to me and said "if you think I've seen him since you two started dating, you're wrong." I told her to get away from me and she did. Basically that whole night she made herself look like an idiot around all of mine and his friends. (She was a friend of a guys gf that came along). The next day I came home and found a message online to me, her trying to apologize but not sincerely, just so she won't continue to look stupid. I didn't say anything rude, and I didn't say anything I wanted to, but I responded to her and told her I just don't want anything to do with her, and I can already see how fake she is. She responded to me by degrading me. Then she called my ex bf (because they hookedup a while ago.. she's a slut) and told him how me and my bf are having problems and if he wants me back he should call me.
I let my bf know everything that was going on, and for some reason he just won't let go of her. He keeps saying that she has always been his good friend and that he doesn't want to end his friendship with her. All of his friends now hate her guts, and I do too. I thought what she did was way disrepectful. I wanted him to stand up for me but for some reason he's afraid to. He's a really nice guy, but he told me that we either have to stop the drama or we are breaking up. He never threatened her like that. All he keeps saying to her is please just try to apologize again, you were wrong, I don't know if I want to be your friend (and this line was me pushing him). She thinks I'm threatened by her, but I'm not at all. This girl is nothing compared to me and everyone knows it. She is a conniving little liar & her looks aren't that great either. I kind of feel bad for her. But I just don't know what to do. This caused my bf and I to have a huge fight, that I never want to have with him again. She was a bitch to him at the party, and to everyone else. But she doesn't talk to us like she does to him. She's really sweet to him, and I knew from the beginning that I didn't want them talking only because I knew she would interfere with our relationship. She is trying to break us up and no matter which way I put it to him, he just doesn't understand and refuses to listen. I really don't want us to drift apart and break up. PLEASE please help. =( What should my next step be? Should I forget who she is and go on with our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Given everything you said about her, you are making a big mistake giving her so much importance and fighting with your boyfriend over her. True, he should be more forceful with her, but to say he's done nothing about her is not right either. He tells her she's wrong and makes her apologize. The extra push he needs to further distance himself from her should not come in the form of fights and confrontations; it should come in the form of major niceness from you.
You ought to recognize the nice qualities inherent in his behavior with her. See, to you, you are asking him to stop talking to an ex; to him, you're asking him to drop a close friend. That's hard to do for a guy who values friendship and loyalty. Those are good qualities. What you need to realize is that in his mind she means nothing because he's no longer interested in her. And think about it, the way she feels about him, he could have her in a heartbeat, so why doesn't he? Because he's not interested in her.
Make his time with you fun and easy, stop paying her attention, and stop annoying him about her and she'll be history sooner than you think. Totally ignoring her is the magic potion to solve this problem.
Keep me updated. This is better than soap operas. Sorta like a real life version of "Mean Girls". :)
By Anonymous, 17:
Hi its me again. Victor you helped me with the "We don't have any problems except for one - his ex" situation, but its grown even bigger.
My Boyfriend and I have been doing very well. Everything was fine until about 4 days ago. One of our friends was having a sleepover party for all the jews on christmas eve. My bf and I were talking about it for a while, and at first I wasnt going to go. But then I had a weird feeling and told him to pick me up in 20 min. When I called him, he said: "by the way, my ex is gonna be there." I got frustrated and told him I am definitely going. She opened the door and introduced herself. I said hi and walked by. Her friend looked at her and said "no competition" which wasn't a suprise to me at all. I knew she was trying to get him. Then she told her friend she can "blow up his spot" and when I over heard her, I quietly took him to the side, and told him if there's anything I need to know he should tell me now. Well, this girl is an idiot. My bf did nothing wrong. My bf went upstairs and she went after him. When they came downstairs she walked right up to me and said "if you think I've seen him since you two started dating, you're wrong." I told her to get away from me and she did. Basically that whole night she made herself look like an idiot around all of mine and his friends. (She was a friend of a guys gf that came along). The next day I came home and found a message online to me, her trying to apologize but not sincerely, just so she won't continue to look stupid. I didn't say anything rude, and I didn't say anything I wanted to, but I responded to her and told her I just don't want anything to do with her, and I can already see how fake she is. She responded to me by degrading me. Then she called my ex bf (because they hookedup a while ago.. she's a slut) and told him how me and my bf are having problems and if he wants me back he should call me.
I let my bf know everything that was going on, and for some reason he just won't let go of her. He keeps saying that she has always been his good friend and that he doesn't want to end his friendship with her. All of his friends now hate her guts, and I do too. I thought what she did was way disrepectful. I wanted him to stand up for me but for some reason he's afraid to. He's a really nice guy, but he told me that we either have to stop the drama or we are breaking up. He never threatened her like that. All he keeps saying to her is please just try to apologize again, you were wrong, I don't know if I want to be your friend (and this line was me pushing him). She thinks I'm threatened by her, but I'm not at all. This girl is nothing compared to me and everyone knows it. She is a conniving little liar & her looks aren't that great either. I kind of feel bad for her. But I just don't know what to do. This caused my bf and I to have a huge fight, that I never want to have with him again. She was a bitch to him at the party, and to everyone else. But she doesn't talk to us like she does to him. She's really sweet to him, and I knew from the beginning that I didn't want them talking only because I knew she would interfere with our relationship. She is trying to break us up and no matter which way I put it to him, he just doesn't understand and refuses to listen. I really don't want us to drift apart and break up. PLEASE please help. =( What should my next step be? Should I forget who she is and go on with our relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Given everything you said about her, you are making a big mistake giving her so much importance and fighting with your boyfriend over her. True, he should be more forceful with her, but to say he's done nothing about her is not right either. He tells her she's wrong and makes her apologize. The extra push he needs to further distance himself from her should not come in the form of fights and confrontations; it should come in the form of major niceness from you.
You ought to recognize the nice qualities inherent in his behavior with her. See, to you, you are asking him to stop talking to an ex; to him, you're asking him to drop a close friend. That's hard to do for a guy who values friendship and loyalty. Those are good qualities. What you need to realize is that in his mind she means nothing because he's no longer interested in her. And think about it, the way she feels about him, he could have her in a heartbeat, so why doesn't he? Because he's not interested in her.
Make his time with you fun and easy, stop paying her attention, and stop annoying him about her and she'll be history sooner than you think. Totally ignoring her is the magic potion to solve this problem.
Keep me updated. This is better than soap operas. Sorta like a real life version of "Mean Girls". :)
Spreading roumours that I've been sleeping about
Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By kim mac, 18, from scotland:
Two months ago I finished with my boyfriend of 3 years. Recently, people (his mates) have been spreading roumours that I've been sleeping about, which I haven't. He doesn't listen to me and believes that there is only one side to the story. He was controlling an manipulative as a boyfriend and we always argued. Now he's trying to make the situation about him. He doesn't realise that we aren't together anymore and he won't stop bugging me. He threatens to hurt anyone I talk to and he only lives 5 minutes away. I don't know what to do because I'm becoming depressed over these situations. He won't back off and learn to get on with his life, even if I do ignore him. I don't know what to do, and I'm worried if I come close with someone else that my ex will hurt him. Have you any advice?
VictorM's advice:
The first thing to do is to consider yourself lucky that you dumped him and that he continues to remind you just how right you were for dumping him. Secondly, you have to stop feeding his controlling personality. Every time he makes an accusation and you start defending yourself, you are giving him control of the situation. You need to stop doing that. You need to realize that nothing you say will change his mind because he's after control over you, not fairness.
Take away control from him by doing this: next time he brings up anything negative about you, doesn't matter what, just say: "That's not true but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it" and walk away. Do NOT act angry, do NOT rebut his statements, do NOT explain yourself to him. He's bound to get angry, but if he does, it just means he's losing control. Try this. You will see how empowering it is.
Getting yourself depressed over him only feeds his desire to control you. Stop that. Go out with friends, have fun, buy new sexy clothes, fix your hair, etc. do all kinds of things that spell out "I'm happy and feeling great". And by doing it, it will happen.
And stop worrying about what will happen if you get a boyfriend. You can't control nor predict what will happen. For all you know, your new boyfriend will kick your ex's ass!
So cheer up, regain control, go out and have fun, and here's hoping you hook up with a BIG guy. :)
By kim mac, 18, from scotland:
Two months ago I finished with my boyfriend of 3 years. Recently, people (his mates) have been spreading roumours that I've been sleeping about, which I haven't. He doesn't listen to me and believes that there is only one side to the story. He was controlling an manipulative as a boyfriend and we always argued. Now he's trying to make the situation about him. He doesn't realise that we aren't together anymore and he won't stop bugging me. He threatens to hurt anyone I talk to and he only lives 5 minutes away. I don't know what to do because I'm becoming depressed over these situations. He won't back off and learn to get on with his life, even if I do ignore him. I don't know what to do, and I'm worried if I come close with someone else that my ex will hurt him. Have you any advice?
VictorM's advice:
The first thing to do is to consider yourself lucky that you dumped him and that he continues to remind you just how right you were for dumping him. Secondly, you have to stop feeding his controlling personality. Every time he makes an accusation and you start defending yourself, you are giving him control of the situation. You need to stop doing that. You need to realize that nothing you say will change his mind because he's after control over you, not fairness.
Take away control from him by doing this: next time he brings up anything negative about you, doesn't matter what, just say: "That's not true but if it makes you happy to believe it, so be it" and walk away. Do NOT act angry, do NOT rebut his statements, do NOT explain yourself to him. He's bound to get angry, but if he does, it just means he's losing control. Try this. You will see how empowering it is.
Getting yourself depressed over him only feeds his desire to control you. Stop that. Go out with friends, have fun, buy new sexy clothes, fix your hair, etc. do all kinds of things that spell out "I'm happy and feeling great". And by doing it, it will happen.
And stop worrying about what will happen if you get a boyfriend. You can't control nor predict what will happen. For all you know, your new boyfriend will kick your ex's ass!
So cheer up, regain control, go out and have fun, and here's hoping you hook up with a BIG guy. :)
I love being around him and he is nice to talk to
Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By nicolie, 17, from MN:
My ex boyfriend and me are still friends after going out twice before. My friends tell me that if our relationship didn't work out the first two times, then why try again for a third time? I think I still love him, but I'm not sure. I love being around him and he is nice to talk to, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me anymore. I don't want to ruin our friendship by talking to him about it, because I treasure our friendship that we have. But I also don't want to have this feeling of the past when I spend time with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should talk to him about getting back together. If you go on assuming that he doesn't like you anymore you will always be haunted you by "what if." Ask him and be sure one way or the other. If he's willing to try again, give it your best shot. If not, stop worrying about keeping the friendship because this friendship will bring you nothing but grief and pain. Sooner or later he's going to find a girlfriend. And then what? You're better off moving to new friends and drifting away from him.
By nicolie, 17, from MN:
My ex boyfriend and me are still friends after going out twice before. My friends tell me that if our relationship didn't work out the first two times, then why try again for a third time? I think I still love him, but I'm not sure. I love being around him and he is nice to talk to, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me anymore. I don't want to ruin our friendship by talking to him about it, because I treasure our friendship that we have. But I also don't want to have this feeling of the past when I spend time with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should talk to him about getting back together. If you go on assuming that he doesn't like you anymore you will always be haunted you by "what if." Ask him and be sure one way or the other. If he's willing to try again, give it your best shot. If not, stop worrying about keeping the friendship because this friendship will bring you nothing but grief and pain. Sooner or later he's going to find a girlfriend. And then what? You're better off moving to new friends and drifting away from him.
He only wants to talk naughty to me
Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By abbi, 15, from lincon:
Me and this guy I sit with in class had a lil flirting thing going on then it died down but it recently started up again online. He told in the past that he likes me but that he wouldn't go out with me. And now he justs wants to have sex with me and that my breast are amazing. Yeah it was in the begining but now I just want to have real converations and not talk dirty all the time. But he only wants to talk naughty to me. Plus he likes this girl and considers her girlfriend material. Now I really like this guy. How can I get away from all the sexy part and get him interested in me as a girlfriend type. Because I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I like my personality.
VictorM's advice:
Find out what things he's very interested in (sports, movies, music, video games, etc.) and try to talk to him about those things. Ask open ended questions and give him a chance to show you how much he knows about them. Guys love to impress this way.
Guys look for different things between the girls they like to have fun with and the girls they think of as girlfriend material. If you don't want to be a fun toy only, you must put a stop to the sex talk.
I don't know if he's ever going to think of you as girlfriend material, but I suggest that you: 1) Don't respond to his sex talk, 2) Bring up topics of interest to him, and 3) Get off line if he persists with the naughty talk. In the process, he may just stop talking to you altogether. If he does, at least you'll know he was only interested in one thing.
By abbi, 15, from lincon:
Me and this guy I sit with in class had a lil flirting thing going on then it died down but it recently started up again online. He told in the past that he likes me but that he wouldn't go out with me. And now he justs wants to have sex with me and that my breast are amazing. Yeah it was in the begining but now I just want to have real converations and not talk dirty all the time. But he only wants to talk naughty to me. Plus he likes this girl and considers her girlfriend material. Now I really like this guy. How can I get away from all the sexy part and get him interested in me as a girlfriend type. Because I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I like my personality.
VictorM's advice:
Find out what things he's very interested in (sports, movies, music, video games, etc.) and try to talk to him about those things. Ask open ended questions and give him a chance to show you how much he knows about them. Guys love to impress this way.
Guys look for different things between the girls they like to have fun with and the girls they think of as girlfriend material. If you don't want to be a fun toy only, you must put a stop to the sex talk.
I don't know if he's ever going to think of you as girlfriend material, but I suggest that you: 1) Don't respond to his sex talk, 2) Bring up topics of interest to him, and 3) Get off line if he persists with the naughty talk. In the process, he may just stop talking to you altogether. If he does, at least you'll know he was only interested in one thing.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
He does not love me "enough"
Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By k, 45, from il:
I am divorced and dating/living with a wonderful man for 4 years (he has never been married but was in a 18 year relationship). We are not kids - 45 and 51. I really love him and he loves me. We have known each other since I was 16 and always got along and had fun together.
I am ready for marriage although I never thought I would marry again. We are both Catholic and both families are very happy we are together. We just spent Christmas together (families and all). He does not want to marry but does not like to talk about it. I already knew this from before (18 yr relationship. I truly didn't think marriage would ever be in my vocabulary again but I know that we do love each other (he is super in every way) and we are both not getting younger - I want to! Financially, we are both set in our long term good jobs so that is not an issue. I take him not wanting to marry as he does not love me "enough". He says that is not true but............ Help?
VictorM's answer:
Marriage is a legal commitment; love has nothing to do with it (even if most people who do it are in love).
Gaging how much he loves you by whether he's willing to marry, specially at your ages, is a very poor way of doing it. After all, some people marry for reasons having nothing to do with love: money, status, politics, convenience, tax deductions, etc. And lots of married people hate each other. Conversely, many couples who have lived for many years in love never marry. Some, in fact --gays and lesbians -- haven't even been allowed to marry.
Look for another reason why he doesn't want to marry. There's enough reason to believe degree of love for you may not be it.
By k, 45, from il:
I am divorced and dating/living with a wonderful man for 4 years (he has never been married but was in a 18 year relationship). We are not kids - 45 and 51. I really love him and he loves me. We have known each other since I was 16 and always got along and had fun together.
I am ready for marriage although I never thought I would marry again. We are both Catholic and both families are very happy we are together. We just spent Christmas together (families and all). He does not want to marry but does not like to talk about it. I already knew this from before (18 yr relationship. I truly didn't think marriage would ever be in my vocabulary again but I know that we do love each other (he is super in every way) and we are both not getting younger - I want to! Financially, we are both set in our long term good jobs so that is not an issue. I take him not wanting to marry as he does not love me "enough". He says that is not true but............ Help?
VictorM's answer:
Marriage is a legal commitment; love has nothing to do with it (even if most people who do it are in love).
Gaging how much he loves you by whether he's willing to marry, specially at your ages, is a very poor way of doing it. After all, some people marry for reasons having nothing to do with love: money, status, politics, convenience, tax deductions, etc. And lots of married people hate each other. Conversely, many couples who have lived for many years in love never marry. Some, in fact --gays and lesbians -- haven't even been allowed to marry.
Look for another reason why he doesn't want to marry. There's enough reason to believe degree of love for you may not be it.
How can you tell if a guy is being serious
Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By n:
How can you tell if a guy is being serious when he asks you out?
VictorM's answer:
I'm going to assume you're rather young, so I'll say: tell him to ask you out in front of your father or mother.
By n:
How can you tell if a guy is being serious when he asks you out?
VictorM's answer:
I'm going to assume you're rather young, so I'll say: tell him to ask you out in front of your father or mother.
Comment on 1 thing
Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By v, 11, from room:
If a guy gives you a comment on 1 thing every time he sees you does he like you?
VictorM's answer:
If the comment is a compliment, yes, he likes you.
And around your age, if the comment is an insult, he's madly in love with you. :)
By v, 11, from room:
If a guy gives you a comment on 1 thing every time he sees you does he like you?
VictorM's answer:
If the comment is a compliment, yes, he likes you.
And around your age, if the comment is an insult, he's madly in love with you. :)
Friday, December 28, 2007
He's not yet my boyfriend, part 2
Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Maria:
This is Maria responding to your advice to me in a column called "He's not yet my boyfriend." I appreciate your bluntness and honest feedback. I like your right to the point approach to it all. However, your mocking tone is frankly rude and uncalled for. You are completely, 100% entitiled to believe that I am a complete and utter, naieve ditz if you should so choose, but it wouldn't kill you to be polite to me. In other news, I am not even sure that I agree with everything you wrote to me. Some of it I agree with, not sure about all of it though.
For one thing you say I am untrusting... Haha...I wouldn't say I am untrusting, rather I am unsure of whether the other girls are friends or more than that to "joe." (let's just call him that). Doesn't make me untrusting, just means I simply do not know as I have not blatantly asked him and so I thought I'd get your take. For another thing...You say that my jealousy will turn him off to me. However, "Joe" is equally as jealous of other GUYS in MY life. He has in fact made NEARLY IDENTICAL inquiries/questions/remarks about male friends of MINE. Such as when they write on my facebook wall, come up in conversation, when I get photographed with one of them, etc. In fact...the entire joke behind me calling the text girl his "booty call" was an inside joke that we share...because there is this one guy friend I have that "Joe" always says is MY BOOTY CALL guy. What I failed to mention in my previous post is that "joe" and I constantly tease each other about the other's friends of the opposite sex. And we BOTH get a little jealous. This is probably the entire reason we DO tease each other in such a manner...we are getting the scoop on these people in an attempt to see if its competition or not. But it is not JUST ME being a little jealous and asking him about it, like I said...he does so too to me. So to imply I'm being overly paranoid about the attention he receives from other girls is unfair since he bahaves in exactly the same way about the guys in MY LIFE. He has many a time grabbed MY cell phone to check out MY text messages and to see who has been calling ME.
You said his response to me about the text girl implied he didn't care what I thought about it, but I beg to differ there. For one thing when I asked him who the girl that texted him was he did not just respond "Whatever" like you said he did. He was amused and laughed at me calling her a booty call because obviously she is NOT that to him, ( I know that NOW, not at the time) and he playfully said "Ok, whatever you say!" with a sly little grin on his face like he was trying to get a little bit of a rise out of me. It was almost like he was agreeing with me because he wanted to see me respond jealously...but I could tell he saw that I knew better...which is why I brought it up in a teasing way, not seriously. Also after saying "Whatever you say!" He was like "Nah, she's just this girl I know." To me, that felt like he was assuring me that she wasn't anyone to worry about.(going from playful and joking to now serious...implying his first comment was not true...she's not really a booty call) And In the other post, I didn't mention that he also said after that, "Hey I'm here with YOU, aren't I? You don't see me running over to her now, do you?" So I DO think he was concerned about what I thought.
Further more, I NEVER said that "joe" was responsible for the text girls actions when she texted him. I was just telling you about something that had happened as it happened...in case it might be of some importance. You're supposed to be the expert here, but how can you properly assess the situation if it is not described completely accurately?? That is the reason I brought it up. But I never blamed "joe" for anything.
You also imply that a lack of a kiss after 3 months means that "Joe" is not interested in me...This COULD be true, but I am not entirely convinced...Although we have been dating 3 months, we have only had 6 dates, which makes us still relatively new to each other. Plus...we both still live at home with our parents right now...and so it's not like a make-out session is realistically the easiest thing to arrange at this point. (With our parents upstairs...how comfortable! Yeah right!) We are also both known for being VERY SHY and I can say with certainty that neither of us would be comfortable with public displays of affection. Even more so, "Joe" is coming out of a relatively new break up from a pretty long relationship. I think that's significant and very important to consider. I sense that he is being cautious about re-entering the dating world. He is also at a kind of unstable point in his life right now for a variety of reasons including his place, job, school, etc. And ok...even if we are just friends for now, I think there is mutual interest and attraction towards each other. To say that anything will happen with it at this point...probably not yet...but I still think we could stand a chance at romance eventually...I don't think it would happen immediately, but it could still be possible for sometime in the near future. Who knows? Don't some of the best relationships stem from great friendships??? I haven't completely lost hope. I think we still need to get to know each other and test the waters with others a bit first...but like I said...it has gotten a little more personal..such as him spending time at my place quite late whilst hanging out on the couch together.
FYI...I do of course realize it would be wayyyyy premeditated to ask "where are we headed?" right now!!! We are so new to each other!!! And we haven't become intimate!!! I was only speaking hypothetically in response to a comment you made to someone else (kalissa) in a recent post. I was speaking hypothetically as I envisioned things in the FUTURE, not now. Of course, at some point I do feel that a person has the right to know if the person they are dating is also dating other people.... But, nooooooo....I would not ask yet however.
I have been asked out by another guy yesterday...and am considering accepting and seeing how that goes. You said that was a good idea, yes? I suppose you are right...That doesn't send mixed signals though? I guess not if you have suggested it. I would just hate to imply to "joe" that I am not into him which is why I am suddenly seeing other people...but you seem to think seeing others is a good idea. Maybe i will accept and just see what happens.
Well anyways...I am curious to see how it all plays out from here and also to hearing your response to mine.
VictorM's advice:
Wow... I struck a nerve, didn't I? I'm glad you took the time to write and vent about it.
You misunderstood what I said. You are confusing "jealousy" with "mistrust". They are not the same thing. Being jealous is not a good thing, but we all exhibit some form of it from time to time. What I believe is the most serious threat to a relationship is "lack of trust". And that's what I said you need to watch out for.
I should explain the difference between the two, as I see it. For example, picking up the phone to see who has been calling you is lack of trust. You simply don't believe the other person will tell you the truth. Jealousy, on the other hand, is a spur-of-the-moment feeling TRIGGERED by something (an ex coming into the picture, a text message that looks suspicious, a girl at the bar giving him the eyes, etc.). Jealousy has a specific trigger, that is, something happens that you can point to. Lack of trust, on the other hand, doesn't require that event, it indeed LOOKS to create those events even when there's no specific evidence. If you think he's going to the bar to pick-up girls, that's a lack of trust; if you're at a bar with him and you think an attractive girl has caught his attention, that's jealousy. Both are bad, but jealousy is more targeted while mistrust knows no boundaries. Another example is your guy is with a bunch of male friends. You may feel no jealousy, but you still think they're up to no good (lack of trust).
You say that you are not "untrusting," but let's take a look at what you said in your initial submission:
The "Whatever..." was a direct quote from your first submission. The "..." simply means I wasn't going to post the whole quote again, but that start was a direct quote from you. Your further explanation on this submission puts a different light on the topic. Sounds like it was more casual than it came across in your original question.
As for not kissing... I can understand the situation but, you're in your mid 20's... 6 dates over 3 months... and not even a kiss? Sounds a bit odd to me. Does it mean he's not interested? No, it doesn't have to mean that at all. It is possible that he thinks that a kiss means that you're boyfriend/girlfriend, and he's not ready for that yet. He's willing to go very slow, which is not a bad thing. I agree that the best relationships evolve from friendship, so rushing is not necessary. But still... not even a peck on the lips? Odd!
About dating other guys... let's take a step back. Based on your first submission I was left with the impression that he's not interested in a relationship with you, not yet anyway. After your follow-up, there are hints that he could have an interest. So your decision to date other guys has to be weighted against what you think could be his response to it. A date is not a serious thing, but is that what he will think? I don't know. But as you said, how long do you wait around for one guy before there's commitment? Don't go out and date other guys based on my advice; it's something that you have to weight the pros and cons of and decide on your own.
Rereading my first answer I see that me quoting your "Oh puh-leeze!" at the end sounds sarcastic and maybe that's what you meant by my "mocking tone". Attempts at humor often come out wrong in text. I apologize if this is what happened.
You called me an expert. I must point out that, as my disclaimer says, I'm not a professional. Ultimately, you can't decide what to do based solely on what some guy on the internet says. Of course I mean well with my advice but I don't have all the facts and I don't have to live with the consequences of your decision, only you do.
One final note... I do advise you to reconsider all the "joking" about jealousy and the signs of mistrust. If I'm making a bigger issue of it than it really is, fine, but if I'm even close, it is something you should try to work out.
By Maria:
This is Maria responding to your advice to me in a column called "He's not yet my boyfriend." I appreciate your bluntness and honest feedback. I like your right to the point approach to it all. However, your mocking tone is frankly rude and uncalled for. You are completely, 100% entitiled to believe that I am a complete and utter, naieve ditz if you should so choose, but it wouldn't kill you to be polite to me. In other news, I am not even sure that I agree with everything you wrote to me. Some of it I agree with, not sure about all of it though.
For one thing you say I am untrusting... Haha...I wouldn't say I am untrusting, rather I am unsure of whether the other girls are friends or more than that to "joe." (let's just call him that). Doesn't make me untrusting, just means I simply do not know as I have not blatantly asked him and so I thought I'd get your take. For another thing...You say that my jealousy will turn him off to me. However, "Joe" is equally as jealous of other GUYS in MY life. He has in fact made NEARLY IDENTICAL inquiries/questions/remarks about male friends of MINE. Such as when they write on my facebook wall, come up in conversation, when I get photographed with one of them, etc. In fact...the entire joke behind me calling the text girl his "booty call" was an inside joke that we share...because there is this one guy friend I have that "Joe" always says is MY BOOTY CALL guy. What I failed to mention in my previous post is that "joe" and I constantly tease each other about the other's friends of the opposite sex. And we BOTH get a little jealous. This is probably the entire reason we DO tease each other in such a manner...we are getting the scoop on these people in an attempt to see if its competition or not. But it is not JUST ME being a little jealous and asking him about it, like I said...he does so too to me. So to imply I'm being overly paranoid about the attention he receives from other girls is unfair since he bahaves in exactly the same way about the guys in MY LIFE. He has many a time grabbed MY cell phone to check out MY text messages and to see who has been calling ME.
You said his response to me about the text girl implied he didn't care what I thought about it, but I beg to differ there. For one thing when I asked him who the girl that texted him was he did not just respond "Whatever" like you said he did. He was amused and laughed at me calling her a booty call because obviously she is NOT that to him, ( I know that NOW, not at the time) and he playfully said "Ok, whatever you say!" with a sly little grin on his face like he was trying to get a little bit of a rise out of me. It was almost like he was agreeing with me because he wanted to see me respond jealously...but I could tell he saw that I knew better...which is why I brought it up in a teasing way, not seriously. Also after saying "Whatever you say!" He was like "Nah, she's just this girl I know." To me, that felt like he was assuring me that she wasn't anyone to worry about.(going from playful and joking to now serious...implying his first comment was not true...she's not really a booty call) And In the other post, I didn't mention that he also said after that, "Hey I'm here with YOU, aren't I? You don't see me running over to her now, do you?" So I DO think he was concerned about what I thought.
Further more, I NEVER said that "joe" was responsible for the text girls actions when she texted him. I was just telling you about something that had happened as it happened...in case it might be of some importance. You're supposed to be the expert here, but how can you properly assess the situation if it is not described completely accurately?? That is the reason I brought it up. But I never blamed "joe" for anything.
You also imply that a lack of a kiss after 3 months means that "Joe" is not interested in me...This COULD be true, but I am not entirely convinced...Although we have been dating 3 months, we have only had 6 dates, which makes us still relatively new to each other. Plus...we both still live at home with our parents right now...and so it's not like a make-out session is realistically the easiest thing to arrange at this point. (With our parents upstairs...how comfortable! Yeah right!) We are also both known for being VERY SHY and I can say with certainty that neither of us would be comfortable with public displays of affection. Even more so, "Joe" is coming out of a relatively new break up from a pretty long relationship. I think that's significant and very important to consider. I sense that he is being cautious about re-entering the dating world. He is also at a kind of unstable point in his life right now for a variety of reasons including his place, job, school, etc. And ok...even if we are just friends for now, I think there is mutual interest and attraction towards each other. To say that anything will happen with it at this point...probably not yet...but I still think we could stand a chance at romance eventually...I don't think it would happen immediately, but it could still be possible for sometime in the near future. Who knows? Don't some of the best relationships stem from great friendships??? I haven't completely lost hope. I think we still need to get to know each other and test the waters with others a bit first...but like I said...it has gotten a little more personal..such as him spending time at my place quite late whilst hanging out on the couch together.
FYI...I do of course realize it would be wayyyyy premeditated to ask "where are we headed?" right now!!! We are so new to each other!!! And we haven't become intimate!!! I was only speaking hypothetically in response to a comment you made to someone else (kalissa) in a recent post. I was speaking hypothetically as I envisioned things in the FUTURE, not now. Of course, at some point I do feel that a person has the right to know if the person they are dating is also dating other people.... But, nooooooo....I would not ask yet however.
I have been asked out by another guy yesterday...and am considering accepting and seeing how that goes. You said that was a good idea, yes? I suppose you are right...That doesn't send mixed signals though? I guess not if you have suggested it. I would just hate to imply to "joe" that I am not into him which is why I am suddenly seeing other people...but you seem to think seeing others is a good idea. Maybe i will accept and just see what happens.
Well anyways...I am curious to see how it all plays out from here and also to hearing your response to mine.
VictorM's advice:
Wow... I struck a nerve, didn't I? I'm glad you took the time to write and vent about it.
You misunderstood what I said. You are confusing "jealousy" with "mistrust". They are not the same thing. Being jealous is not a good thing, but we all exhibit some form of it from time to time. What I believe is the most serious threat to a relationship is "lack of trust". And that's what I said you need to watch out for.
I should explain the difference between the two, as I see it. For example, picking up the phone to see who has been calling you is lack of trust. You simply don't believe the other person will tell you the truth. Jealousy, on the other hand, is a spur-of-the-moment feeling TRIGGERED by something (an ex coming into the picture, a text message that looks suspicious, a girl at the bar giving him the eyes, etc.). Jealousy has a specific trigger, that is, something happens that you can point to. Lack of trust, on the other hand, doesn't require that event, it indeed LOOKS to create those events even when there's no specific evidence. If you think he's going to the bar to pick-up girls, that's a lack of trust; if you're at a bar with him and you think an attractive girl has caught his attention, that's jealousy. Both are bad, but jealousy is more targeted while mistrust knows no boundaries. Another example is your guy is with a bunch of male friends. You may feel no jealousy, but you still think they're up to no good (lack of trust).
You say that you are not "untrusting," but let's take a look at what you said in your initial submission:
- "he says he isn't either...I'm not sure if that's true though" - He told you he isn't seeing anyone else, but you don't believe him. That's lack of trust.
- he was like "She's just this girl I know...I hardly ever talk to her." Oh puh-leeze! This girl he hardly ever talks to is texting him at 1 in the morning??? The "Oh puh-leeze!" and the three questions marks gave me the distinct impression that you don't believe him. That's lack of trust.
The "Whatever..." was a direct quote from your first submission. The "..." simply means I wasn't going to post the whole quote again, but that start was a direct quote from you. Your further explanation on this submission puts a different light on the topic. Sounds like it was more casual than it came across in your original question.
As for not kissing... I can understand the situation but, you're in your mid 20's... 6 dates over 3 months... and not even a kiss? Sounds a bit odd to me. Does it mean he's not interested? No, it doesn't have to mean that at all. It is possible that he thinks that a kiss means that you're boyfriend/girlfriend, and he's not ready for that yet. He's willing to go very slow, which is not a bad thing. I agree that the best relationships evolve from friendship, so rushing is not necessary. But still... not even a peck on the lips? Odd!
About dating other guys... let's take a step back. Based on your first submission I was left with the impression that he's not interested in a relationship with you, not yet anyway. After your follow-up, there are hints that he could have an interest. So your decision to date other guys has to be weighted against what you think could be his response to it. A date is not a serious thing, but is that what he will think? I don't know. But as you said, how long do you wait around for one guy before there's commitment? Don't go out and date other guys based on my advice; it's something that you have to weight the pros and cons of and decide on your own.
Rereading my first answer I see that me quoting your "Oh puh-leeze!" at the end sounds sarcastic and maybe that's what you meant by my "mocking tone". Attempts at humor often come out wrong in text. I apologize if this is what happened.
You called me an expert. I must point out that, as my disclaimer says, I'm not a professional. Ultimately, you can't decide what to do based solely on what some guy on the internet says. Of course I mean well with my advice but I don't have all the facts and I don't have to live with the consequences of your decision, only you do.
One final note... I do advise you to reconsider all the "joking" about jealousy and the signs of mistrust. If I'm making a bigger issue of it than it really is, fine, but if I'm even close, it is something you should try to work out.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
He's not yet my boyfriend
Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Maria, 25:
I have been dating this guy since about September, but he's not yet my boyfriend. We haven't even kissed yet, and I guess we are both free to see other people if we wanted to. (I'm not seeing anyone else, he says he isn't either...I'm not sure if that's true though, and I'll explain why as the letter goes on.) I wondered if this part was weird though...he still keeps in touch with his ex-girl friend. (they broke up almost a year ago) I don't just mean like a text here or there...they actually still hang out together...I don't think they ever go out alone anymore, but I know that they go out together with groups. They have the same group of friends. (It seems at least monthly.) I am kind of weirded out by this, but don't know if I should be. My sister says that she knows a lot of people who stay friends with their ex-es, but I never have...and I'm not sure it is a good idea. I worry that something could re-kindle even though he has always referred to her as his ex, which makes me think "Ok..he sees it as over..his past." But then why is she still around??? Ok and then the other night...he was hanging out with me at my place...he got a text at 1:00 in the morning. I took his phone and was like "Can I see who it is?" He was like "Go for it." So I read the text which was from a girl...It just said "What are you doing?" or something like that. When I asked who she was, he was like "She's just this girl I know...I hardly ever talk to her." Oh puh-leeze! This girl he hardly ever talks to is texting him at 1 in the morning??? So I was like (In a playful, teasing way..) "What, she's just your 1:00 booty call then?" He just laughed and was like "Whatever you say...she's just this girl I know." So I dropped it, because he wasn't revealing anything anyways. What's your take on this all? I feel slightly jealous of the other girls because I really want to progress to a more exclusive state with this guy at some point...but are these girls a threat? Should I be concerned? I want to ask him, but your advice to others on here says don't get too girly...don't ask the dreaded question about where things are headed...So how long do I have to wait before it's appropriate? Should I be dating others in the meantime just in case his intentions aren't the same as mine? Is he into me? Oooohhhh...so many questions!!!!
VictorM's advice:
You are dating this guy, but you're not in a relationship. Heck, after 3 months you still haven't even kissed. Who he sees is frankly none of your business.
Other girls are not an impediment to you hooking up with him -- you are! Your jealousy, insecurity, and general lack of trust is more likely to push him away than any other girl.
I always say that exes are evil and should be avoided, but I also think exes are not enemies that one should discard easily. Many couples break-up in good terms recognizing that the partner is a good person, just not a good romantic partner. His ex is not a carrier of some communicable disease that he should avoid at all costs. He has a group of friends that he hangs out and she's part of that group. It is not a problem because he doesn't have a new girlfriend yet.
As for the girl texting him, why is he responsible for her actions? He didn't text her, she texted him. Besides, one of the advantages of texting is that it's not as intrusive as a phone call, so the time of the message is a reflection of her sleeping habits, not his.
He said she's just a girl he knows. And his ex is just part of a group he hangs out. Not accepting his word at face value without concrete evidence to the contrary says more about your views on trust than it says about him. You should work on this aspect of your personality because that's one of the things that smart guys pick up on. Lack of trust is a relationship killer.
After 3 months and still no kiss? After asking about the text girl and him saying "Whatever..." clearly not worried about what you think? Oh puh-leeze! Do not ask where your dating is headed because I'm not even sure you're at the starting line. Until that changes, date others.
By Maria, 25:
I have been dating this guy since about September, but he's not yet my boyfriend. We haven't even kissed yet, and I guess we are both free to see other people if we wanted to. (I'm not seeing anyone else, he says he isn't either...I'm not sure if that's true though, and I'll explain why as the letter goes on.) I wondered if this part was weird though...he still keeps in touch with his ex-girl friend. (they broke up almost a year ago) I don't just mean like a text here or there...they actually still hang out together...I don't think they ever go out alone anymore, but I know that they go out together with groups. They have the same group of friends. (It seems at least monthly.) I am kind of weirded out by this, but don't know if I should be. My sister says that she knows a lot of people who stay friends with their ex-es, but I never have...and I'm not sure it is a good idea. I worry that something could re-kindle even though he has always referred to her as his ex, which makes me think "Ok..he sees it as over..his past." But then why is she still around??? Ok and then the other night...he was hanging out with me at my place...he got a text at 1:00 in the morning. I took his phone and was like "Can I see who it is?" He was like "Go for it." So I read the text which was from a girl...It just said "What are you doing?" or something like that. When I asked who she was, he was like "She's just this girl I know...I hardly ever talk to her." Oh puh-leeze! This girl he hardly ever talks to is texting him at 1 in the morning??? So I was like (In a playful, teasing way..) "What, she's just your 1:00 booty call then?" He just laughed and was like "Whatever you say...she's just this girl I know." So I dropped it, because he wasn't revealing anything anyways. What's your take on this all? I feel slightly jealous of the other girls because I really want to progress to a more exclusive state with this guy at some point...but are these girls a threat? Should I be concerned? I want to ask him, but your advice to others on here says don't get too girly...don't ask the dreaded question about where things are headed...So how long do I have to wait before it's appropriate? Should I be dating others in the meantime just in case his intentions aren't the same as mine? Is he into me? Oooohhhh...so many questions!!!!
VictorM's advice:
You are dating this guy, but you're not in a relationship. Heck, after 3 months you still haven't even kissed. Who he sees is frankly none of your business.
Other girls are not an impediment to you hooking up with him -- you are! Your jealousy, insecurity, and general lack of trust is more likely to push him away than any other girl.
I always say that exes are evil and should be avoided, but I also think exes are not enemies that one should discard easily. Many couples break-up in good terms recognizing that the partner is a good person, just not a good romantic partner. His ex is not a carrier of some communicable disease that he should avoid at all costs. He has a group of friends that he hangs out and she's part of that group. It is not a problem because he doesn't have a new girlfriend yet.
As for the girl texting him, why is he responsible for her actions? He didn't text her, she texted him. Besides, one of the advantages of texting is that it's not as intrusive as a phone call, so the time of the message is a reflection of her sleeping habits, not his.
He said she's just a girl he knows. And his ex is just part of a group he hangs out. Not accepting his word at face value without concrete evidence to the contrary says more about your views on trust than it says about him. You should work on this aspect of your personality because that's one of the things that smart guys pick up on. Lack of trust is a relationship killer.
After 3 months and still no kiss? After asking about the text girl and him saying "Whatever..." clearly not worried about what you think? Oh puh-leeze! Do not ask where your dating is headed because I'm not even sure you're at the starting line. Until that changes, date others.
I have met the loveliest guy
Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Claire, 32, from London:
I have met the loveliest guy, we have been on 3 dates and we got on great. He told me his last girlfriend cheated on him and he wanted to take things slow as he was still a bit cut up from their break up 6 months ago. I really like him and hope this will move on to being a relationship.
Before Christmas he was phoning and texting every day, being real sweet. Now I am at home, 400 miles away and my phone is silent! No cute texts, calls...nothing!
So, do I delete his number and forget him, or chase him a bit in the hope he will come round? I don't even know what's changed? Is it just the busy Christmas period?
Thanks,
Claire x
VictorM's advice:
It's too soon to jump to any conclusions. You're right, with Christmas and all, it's very possible that he's occupied. But, you may ask, doesn't he have a minute or two to text? This is thinking like a girl, not like a guy. Guys are more single-threading in nature. If he made time to spend it with his family and friends, you're out of the picture for now. It's no reflection on you; that's just the way guys are.
Don't delete anything yet. Wait at least until sometime in January.
By Claire, 32, from London:
I have met the loveliest guy, we have been on 3 dates and we got on great. He told me his last girlfriend cheated on him and he wanted to take things slow as he was still a bit cut up from their break up 6 months ago. I really like him and hope this will move on to being a relationship.
Before Christmas he was phoning and texting every day, being real sweet. Now I am at home, 400 miles away and my phone is silent! No cute texts, calls...nothing!
So, do I delete his number and forget him, or chase him a bit in the hope he will come round? I don't even know what's changed? Is it just the busy Christmas period?
Thanks,
Claire x
VictorM's advice:
It's too soon to jump to any conclusions. You're right, with Christmas and all, it's very possible that he's occupied. But, you may ask, doesn't he have a minute or two to text? This is thinking like a girl, not like a guy. Guys are more single-threading in nature. If he made time to spend it with his family and friends, you're out of the picture for now. It's no reflection on you; that's just the way guys are.
Don't delete anything yet. Wait at least until sometime in January.
He was much more touchy with me
Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Nathalie, 30, from New York:
Update from he wants to have brunch. I am following up about the guy I wrote about earlier.
So I am currently abroad and landed on saturday night. We have talked/seen each other/or been in touch each day since then. When I arrived, I had already received a text message from him telling me his local cell number and also that I should call him when I got in. So I did and we chatted a little but it was late. He was heading out with his cousins.
So the next day we talked and he ended up busy (running around helping his cousin with a xmas concert) till too late for me so I went to sleep do to jet lag. It turns he lives near the hotel my family is staying at and called to see if he might stop by for lunch, but we were out (my family has a jampacked schedule during this trip at least during the days).
We first hung out on Xmas eve and met up with some people (mostly friends of his some from NY and others from high school). We ended up going to two places and the last was a nightclub where we stayed till 4am. The other people left about an hour before but we were having fun dancing. During this he was much more touchy with me. When I saw him sitting during a break, he wanted me to come sit next to him and our knees legs were touching and his hands were around me. On the way out of the club he held my hand as we left and walked to the car. When he dropped me off, I hugged (which is our usual). Btw I am finishing off a virus and so I dont want to spread anything too.
Since then we exchanged xmas texts on xmas and then hung out last night again till late. Since he lives near me it works well and he has been my social planner in a way and he knows what is going on and picks me up and drops me off. He is very considerate. But last night he wasn't as touchy (and I am not one to be flirty first). We didn't go to places with dancing but more lounging and I met his cousin. But strangely, in the car on the way he mentioned one of his friends I met the previous time asked about me. I didn't respond at all. I didn't really know why he was telling me and the best way to respond. So that left some silence and he didn't say anything about it again.
The last part threw me off and I haven't yet asked about the girlfriend issue because nobody else mentions it. But also I heard one of his friend's wives joking earlier on the first night we were out that she may have some friends to introduce him to. He's here through Jan 4th and me through Jan 6th and he is also my social network here and drives me to and from. So I'm taking path of least resistance. I will bring it up (about girlfriend) if he tries to kiss me or gets really touchy again.
What do you think about this story/his interest etc.? What approach do you recommend (I'm so not a flirt unless I am tipsy either and generally wait on the guy first, so I am often told I am hard to read)?
VictorM's advice:
You still didn't ask about his girlfriend? Rats! I'm biting my nails! :)
Nothing that he's done so far suggest anything more than just friends. The touchy stuff at a club, when drinks are involved, is natural and not at all an indication of any special interest. But, part of it could be that you're hard to read and he's thinking you just want a tour guide. If this is so, it plays in your favor to be aloof because if he's interested in you he's enjoying the slow progress. If he's not interested, well, you're still getting a good guide.
The question about one his friends asking about you was most likely designed to see what your attitude about having a male interest is. Since you don't seem to be giving any signs, he doesn't know where you stand. He's probably as curious about your intentions as you are about his.
I'd say continue as you are. You have caught his interest, he enjoys your company, and you're spending time together. And for now, that's all you should be focused on. He's getting to know you better without the pressures of a relationship and only good things could come from that.
By Nathalie, 30, from New York:
Update from he wants to have brunch. I am following up about the guy I wrote about earlier.
So I am currently abroad and landed on saturday night. We have talked/seen each other/or been in touch each day since then. When I arrived, I had already received a text message from him telling me his local cell number and also that I should call him when I got in. So I did and we chatted a little but it was late. He was heading out with his cousins.
So the next day we talked and he ended up busy (running around helping his cousin with a xmas concert) till too late for me so I went to sleep do to jet lag. It turns he lives near the hotel my family is staying at and called to see if he might stop by for lunch, but we were out (my family has a jampacked schedule during this trip at least during the days).
We first hung out on Xmas eve and met up with some people (mostly friends of his some from NY and others from high school). We ended up going to two places and the last was a nightclub where we stayed till 4am. The other people left about an hour before but we were having fun dancing. During this he was much more touchy with me. When I saw him sitting during a break, he wanted me to come sit next to him and our knees legs were touching and his hands were around me. On the way out of the club he held my hand as we left and walked to the car. When he dropped me off, I hugged (which is our usual). Btw I am finishing off a virus and so I dont want to spread anything too.
Since then we exchanged xmas texts on xmas and then hung out last night again till late. Since he lives near me it works well and he has been my social planner in a way and he knows what is going on and picks me up and drops me off. He is very considerate. But last night he wasn't as touchy (and I am not one to be flirty first). We didn't go to places with dancing but more lounging and I met his cousin. But strangely, in the car on the way he mentioned one of his friends I met the previous time asked about me. I didn't respond at all. I didn't really know why he was telling me and the best way to respond. So that left some silence and he didn't say anything about it again.
The last part threw me off and I haven't yet asked about the girlfriend issue because nobody else mentions it. But also I heard one of his friend's wives joking earlier on the first night we were out that she may have some friends to introduce him to. He's here through Jan 4th and me through Jan 6th and he is also my social network here and drives me to and from. So I'm taking path of least resistance. I will bring it up (about girlfriend) if he tries to kiss me or gets really touchy again.
What do you think about this story/his interest etc.? What approach do you recommend (I'm so not a flirt unless I am tipsy either and generally wait on the guy first, so I am often told I am hard to read)?
VictorM's advice:
You still didn't ask about his girlfriend? Rats! I'm biting my nails! :)
Nothing that he's done so far suggest anything more than just friends. The touchy stuff at a club, when drinks are involved, is natural and not at all an indication of any special interest. But, part of it could be that you're hard to read and he's thinking you just want a tour guide. If this is so, it plays in your favor to be aloof because if he's interested in you he's enjoying the slow progress. If he's not interested, well, you're still getting a good guide.
The question about one his friends asking about you was most likely designed to see what your attitude about having a male interest is. Since you don't seem to be giving any signs, he doesn't know where you stand. He's probably as curious about your intentions as you are about his.
I'd say continue as you are. You have caught his interest, he enjoys your company, and you're spending time together. And for now, that's all you should be focused on. He's getting to know you better without the pressures of a relationship and only good things could come from that.
What does it mean when a guy uses your name?
Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Lee, 41, from Florida:
Hi Victor,
What does it mean when a guy uses your name in conversation – when he’s talking to you? What about pet names? This is a guy whom I haven’t seen in many, many years and lives 3000 miles away. He alternates between emailing and texting me several times a day to not talking to me at all. Now he’s calling me sweetheart, hon, darling, babe etc. on a daily basis.
For quite some time he was sending intimate emails. They were “clean”, but there were definite sexual undertones and I welcomed them. Then he suddenly stopped, and seemed annoyed when I would initiate a message, even if it was about something as trivial as the weather. He would ignore me and then later apologize and say he was busy etc.
I stopped initiating the messages – even though it killed me, and then he started sending them again. He’s been saying my name in the conversations for quite some time, but the pet names only started recently. I was surprised, but happy. Now I don’t know how to respond to him. I actually replied to a couple of emails by saying something like “Hi handsome” and “Hi stud” and he seemed to back off again. That was a few days ago. Today he's calling me babe again.
I have my own ideas, but I would sure love to hear what you have to say. For the record, I’m married and he knows it. What he doesn’t know is that I’m separated. He’s married, and he says he’s happy, but I don’t believe it. His wife is cheating on him – I know this for a fact – but I don’t think he knows it, although he probably suspects it.
VictorM's advice:
It "killed" you not to initiate text messages with a married man who lives 3,000 miles away and you haven't seem in many years? You need to find a hobby or something.
The use of your name and pet names could mean that he's grown fonder of you. You're expecting him to respond within your own perceived time frame and when he doesn't, you jump to the conclusion that he seemed annoyed or is backing off but he's simply just not responding as quickly as you would like him to. With a job, wife, holidays, and a life of his own it's understandable if he's not responding quickly enough for you.
There is another possibility: he's desperate to show affection for someone, something he probably no longer can do with his cheating wife. You are just a surrogate for his needs. It bothers him when you respond in kind because he senses you're getting attached and he doesn't want that. And why wouldn't he want that? Because one cheating wife is enough.
By Lee, 41, from Florida:
Hi Victor,
What does it mean when a guy uses your name in conversation – when he’s talking to you? What about pet names? This is a guy whom I haven’t seen in many, many years and lives 3000 miles away. He alternates between emailing and texting me several times a day to not talking to me at all. Now he’s calling me sweetheart, hon, darling, babe etc. on a daily basis.
For quite some time he was sending intimate emails. They were “clean”, but there were definite sexual undertones and I welcomed them. Then he suddenly stopped, and seemed annoyed when I would initiate a message, even if it was about something as trivial as the weather. He would ignore me and then later apologize and say he was busy etc.
I stopped initiating the messages – even though it killed me, and then he started sending them again. He’s been saying my name in the conversations for quite some time, but the pet names only started recently. I was surprised, but happy. Now I don’t know how to respond to him. I actually replied to a couple of emails by saying something like “Hi handsome” and “Hi stud” and he seemed to back off again. That was a few days ago. Today he's calling me babe again.
I have my own ideas, but I would sure love to hear what you have to say. For the record, I’m married and he knows it. What he doesn’t know is that I’m separated. He’s married, and he says he’s happy, but I don’t believe it. His wife is cheating on him – I know this for a fact – but I don’t think he knows it, although he probably suspects it.
VictorM's advice:
It "killed" you not to initiate text messages with a married man who lives 3,000 miles away and you haven't seem in many years? You need to find a hobby or something.
The use of your name and pet names could mean that he's grown fonder of you. You're expecting him to respond within your own perceived time frame and when he doesn't, you jump to the conclusion that he seemed annoyed or is backing off but he's simply just not responding as quickly as you would like him to. With a job, wife, holidays, and a life of his own it's understandable if he's not responding quickly enough for you.
There is another possibility: he's desperate to show affection for someone, something he probably no longer can do with his cheating wife. You are just a surrogate for his needs. It bothers him when you respond in kind because he senses you're getting attached and he doesn't want that. And why wouldn't he want that? Because one cheating wife is enough.
He was embarrassed at what I'd said
Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By sara, 28, from uk:
yep i know you're right with him not wanting more than sleeping with me 1-2 a week etc....although i don't get what you mean about him being direct with me cos he was saying and doing things for a long time which indicated a bit more than that, wasn't he?
i ended it all a few days ago....told him i wasn't up for the casual thing anymore. he did the whole i don't do feelings for anyone line again....this was all via text etc.
anyway....when i got up the next morn he'd messaged me on msn to say....i'm deleting your number so i don't call you up again cos you want more...is that ok? (i was set as online on msn so he thought i was there at the time)
why did he message me that?? thats like calling someone up to say you're not going to speak to them again....totally pointless in my opinion...so why??? haha!
i'm now doing no contact with him....his number is deleted and he's blocked on msn now...which is fine glad i found out now that he's not worth my time seeing as he was enjoying punishing me for being a bit cautious at the start....
also....one more question....when i would tell him why i liked him etc...he would say that he was embarrassed at what i'd said....said that he wasn't used to women meaning what they say and it was all bullshit....is this a line too? or has he just got some self esteem issues here?? lol..
thank you for all your advice....kinda bummed that he didn't want to go out on a date with me...but plenty more monkeys in the zoo i guess!
VictorM's answer:
I said he was direct because in your last submission you felt he had been treating you as a fuck buddy. Clearly if you felt that way it means he has never promised you more. From what you've said before, sounds like he never said he was ready for a relationship.
Lots of people have real problems dealing with compliments. They feel that even merely saying "Thank you" is a form of narcissism. It doesn't have to mean self-esteem problems, although in most cases it probably does; often it comes more from being raised to be humble.
By sara, 28, from uk:
yep i know you're right with him not wanting more than sleeping with me 1-2 a week etc....although i don't get what you mean about him being direct with me cos he was saying and doing things for a long time which indicated a bit more than that, wasn't he?
i ended it all a few days ago....told him i wasn't up for the casual thing anymore. he did the whole i don't do feelings for anyone line again....this was all via text etc.
anyway....when i got up the next morn he'd messaged me on msn to say....i'm deleting your number so i don't call you up again cos you want more...is that ok? (i was set as online on msn so he thought i was there at the time)
why did he message me that?? thats like calling someone up to say you're not going to speak to them again....totally pointless in my opinion...so why??? haha!
i'm now doing no contact with him....his number is deleted and he's blocked on msn now...which is fine glad i found out now that he's not worth my time seeing as he was enjoying punishing me for being a bit cautious at the start....
also....one more question....when i would tell him why i liked him etc...he would say that he was embarrassed at what i'd said....said that he wasn't used to women meaning what they say and it was all bullshit....is this a line too? or has he just got some self esteem issues here?? lol..
thank you for all your advice....kinda bummed that he didn't want to go out on a date with me...but plenty more monkeys in the zoo i guess!
VictorM's answer:
I said he was direct because in your last submission you felt he had been treating you as a fuck buddy. Clearly if you felt that way it means he has never promised you more. From what you've said before, sounds like he never said he was ready for a relationship.
Lots of people have real problems dealing with compliments. They feel that even merely saying "Thank you" is a form of narcissism. It doesn't have to mean self-esteem problems, although in most cases it probably does; often it comes more from being raised to be humble.
I want to find out why this one guy broke up with me
Submitted on Wednesday, December 26, 2007
By Shandra, 26, from Texas:
I want to find out why this one guy broke up with me. He asked me out and made an effort to get to know me but continually said throughout the relationship that he wasn't ready at this point in his life to make a serious committment. At the time he was exclusively with me, but he wasn't ready for anything serious. He broke it off, but then really tried to pursue a friendship after and would get jealous when I was with other guys. Was it all just me or part of his committment issues? Because 3 years later he had a serious girlfriend.
VictorM's advice:
He simply was never totally into you, hence his reluctance to commit.
Getting jealous of other guys is a reflection of the type of person he is, not of the kind of person you are or what you mean to him.
I don't see any mystery here. The reason he broke off with you is clear: you were never "it" for him. Eventually he moved on searching for someone he could be serious with.
If you're bothered by not being "it" for him, consider that there are over 3 billion men on the planet. You're not "it" for the vast majority of them (aren't you lucky!?). On the other hand, how many of them are "it" for you? Not very many. That's just the way life is. There is no list of pros and cons, no magic, no "not good enough"; it's all a crap shoot.
In this case, you won. Yes, you won. A guy that choses to just be friends with you and gets jealous of other guys has "possessive asshole" written all over him even if you couldn't detect it.
So get off your butt and stop feeling sorry for yourself because you're one lucky girl.
By Shandra, 26, from Texas:
I want to find out why this one guy broke up with me. He asked me out and made an effort to get to know me but continually said throughout the relationship that he wasn't ready at this point in his life to make a serious committment. At the time he was exclusively with me, but he wasn't ready for anything serious. He broke it off, but then really tried to pursue a friendship after and would get jealous when I was with other guys. Was it all just me or part of his committment issues? Because 3 years later he had a serious girlfriend.
VictorM's advice:
He simply was never totally into you, hence his reluctance to commit.
Getting jealous of other guys is a reflection of the type of person he is, not of the kind of person you are or what you mean to him.
I don't see any mystery here. The reason he broke off with you is clear: you were never "it" for him. Eventually he moved on searching for someone he could be serious with.
If you're bothered by not being "it" for him, consider that there are over 3 billion men on the planet. You're not "it" for the vast majority of them (aren't you lucky!?). On the other hand, how many of them are "it" for you? Not very many. That's just the way life is. There is no list of pros and cons, no magic, no "not good enough"; it's all a crap shoot.
In this case, you won. Yes, you won. A guy that choses to just be friends with you and gets jealous of other guys has "possessive asshole" written all over him even if you couldn't detect it.
So get off your butt and stop feeling sorry for yourself because you're one lucky girl.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
He stood me up that night
Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By Babydoll, 20, from USA:
Hi victor, I have a question for you.
I met this guy during my part time job during summer, he works at a store near the store I work at. We talked and flirted whenever he came to the store. Toward the end of the summer he found out that I had to go away for college and he asked for my number. But he never contact me until recently. He texted me and asked me when I am coming home and he wants to hang out with me. I was happy he texted and we just text back and forth to each other. My problem with him is that the other night he called me at midnight and asked me when I am free so we can hang out, he said he's free whenever and I was sorta mindless I asked him if he's free NOWand he said yes. But he stood me up that night. Later he texted and said he was sorry. I don't know what is he thinking, why does he confuse me so much? He only called once and when I call him he never picks up the phone. But he keeps telling me if I want to hang out I should give him a call. I dont know what to do with him, is he playing me?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's playing you, but did he explain why he stood you up? Because unless there's a very good reason, I'm inclined to believe he's keeping contact with you to keep you around "for a rainy day," not because he's that much into you.
PS. Sorry, I don't respond by email.
By Babydoll, 20, from USA:
Hi victor, I have a question for you.
I met this guy during my part time job during summer, he works at a store near the store I work at. We talked and flirted whenever he came to the store. Toward the end of the summer he found out that I had to go away for college and he asked for my number. But he never contact me until recently. He texted me and asked me when I am coming home and he wants to hang out with me. I was happy he texted and we just text back and forth to each other. My problem with him is that the other night he called me at midnight and asked me when I am free so we can hang out, he said he's free whenever and I was sorta mindless I asked him if he's free NOWand he said yes. But he stood me up that night. Later he texted and said he was sorry. I don't know what is he thinking, why does he confuse me so much? He only called once and when I call him he never picks up the phone. But he keeps telling me if I want to hang out I should give him a call. I dont know what to do with him, is he playing me?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he's playing you, but did he explain why he stood you up? Because unless there's a very good reason, I'm inclined to believe he's keeping contact with you to keep you around "for a rainy day," not because he's that much into you.
PS. Sorry, I don't respond by email.
He is very busy with work, never has time for me
Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By may, 33:
Hi Victor, I have been dating a wonderful guy for three months now. I started to love him more by knowing him. But the problem is he is very busy with work, never has time for me. I am not sure if he loves me the same way as I love him. He seems nice to me, but why never plan or do things for me? We even haven't celebrated the christmas together. I ask him if he can get me a christmas gift. He said ok but I guess he won't do it anyway. But he was willing spend time on sending gift to my parent for Christmas instead. Does it mean he doesn't care about me much? Does he really love me?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he loves you or not, but what difference does it make if he doesn't make time for you? If he loves you and doesn't show it, is that good enough for you?
You asked him for a Christmas gift? Why? Somehow if he's forced into buying you something you'll feel better? I don't know... women can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes with all the gift crap.
Anyway, I don't know if his life being so busy means he doesn't care about you, but it sure means you don't come first in his life. Only you can decide if that's good enough for you.
By may, 33:
Hi Victor, I have been dating a wonderful guy for three months now. I started to love him more by knowing him. But the problem is he is very busy with work, never has time for me. I am not sure if he loves me the same way as I love him. He seems nice to me, but why never plan or do things for me? We even haven't celebrated the christmas together. I ask him if he can get me a christmas gift. He said ok but I guess he won't do it anyway. But he was willing spend time on sending gift to my parent for Christmas instead. Does it mean he doesn't care about me much? Does he really love me?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he loves you or not, but what difference does it make if he doesn't make time for you? If he loves you and doesn't show it, is that good enough for you?
You asked him for a Christmas gift? Why? Somehow if he's forced into buying you something you'll feel better? I don't know... women can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes with all the gift crap.
Anyway, I don't know if his life being so busy means he doesn't care about you, but it sure means you don't come first in his life. Only you can decide if that's good enough for you.
Out of nowhere,,, part 2
Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By Kalissa:
Hi this is Kalissa again, from the submission titled "Out of nowhere he started to distance himself."
The day after submitting that, he wrote me a long email just checking in, asking about my weekend...told me hed seen some of my new photos on facebook and told me I was "looking real good. ;-)" We ended up hanging out that night..(christmas eve) at a bar...then he came to my place and hung out with me on the couch until 2am. Before leaving he said that it had been one of his better christmas eves to date. Today he messages me again on facebook and left me messages on instant message, but I wasn't logged on. I'm still very much into him...what should my next move be? I don't want to seem over eager if the chase is part of the fun...
VictorM's advice:
Make sure this was not just a "I'm lonely over the Holidays" type thing on his part. Other than that, rest assured that the chase is part of the fun.
There's no need to play games but you do want him to get to know you better and allow himself to feel closer to you before you start doing typical girly stuff like: giving him too much attention, declaring your feelings, and "gulp* asking the dreaded "where are we headed?" question.
Be too busy for him once in a while, and pay him light compliments (he shouldn't be the only way to say that "you look good" or similar things). But this is important: compliments to guys must be pleasant observations about physical stuff. Do NOT get mushy and say things like: "you're the kindest guy I ever met." Guys don't daydream about being told: "You're so nice". They want to hear stuff that makes them feel manly, like: love your chest, that shirt looks great on you, I like your haircut, great car,you make me so wet ;), etc. Keep compliments light, keep them about physical things.
By Kalissa:
Hi this is Kalissa again, from the submission titled "Out of nowhere he started to distance himself."
The day after submitting that, he wrote me a long email just checking in, asking about my weekend...told me hed seen some of my new photos on facebook and told me I was "looking real good. ;-)" We ended up hanging out that night..(christmas eve) at a bar...then he came to my place and hung out with me on the couch until 2am. Before leaving he said that it had been one of his better christmas eves to date. Today he messages me again on facebook and left me messages on instant message, but I wasn't logged on. I'm still very much into him...what should my next move be? I don't want to seem over eager if the chase is part of the fun...
VictorM's advice:
Make sure this was not just a "I'm lonely over the Holidays" type thing on his part. Other than that, rest assured that the chase is part of the fun.
There's no need to play games but you do want him to get to know you better and allow himself to feel closer to you before you start doing typical girly stuff like: giving him too much attention, declaring your feelings, and "gulp* asking the dreaded "where are we headed?" question.
Be too busy for him once in a while, and pay him light compliments (he shouldn't be the only way to say that "you look good" or similar things). But this is important: compliments to guys must be pleasant observations about physical stuff. Do NOT get mushy and say things like: "you're the kindest guy I ever met." Guys don't daydream about being told: "You're so nice". They want to hear stuff that makes them feel manly, like: love your chest, that shirt looks great on you, I like your haircut, great car,
He has not trusted me since the lies
Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By very upset, 24, from Minneapolis:
So I was with a guy for a year and a half. We have been on and off about three times now. Every time we plan on taking a break for a little while, then we end up back together. The reason for the break ups have been because he had caught me lying and there have been arguements along with that. So he has not trusted me since the lies. Before that he adored me, I was the first serious girlfriend he had ever had. I took him for granted. So on December 1st we got in an argument, and I said, "why don't you just be done cause you seem so unhappy." He said fine I am done goodbye. Then about a week later we decided to just take a break and see how things go, without contact. Then a week after that he told me he didn't want a break, he wanted to be done for good. He told me that he loved me, but he wasn't inlove with me anymore. He said the feelings are still there, but they aren't as strong. I have been trying to contact him since then, he will no longer answer the phone, or reply to my texts. I asked him before if he wants to see what it's like without me, he said yes. He said the reason why he doesn't want a break is because, he didn't want to drag me along if he didn't feel the same way in a few months. He says maybe things will work out later on, in a few months. I bought him concert tickets for Linkin Park in Febuary.He said he would like to go as friends. He said maybe we could try to be friends and then go from there. He said there is no one else that he is interested in.
By very upset, 24, from Minneapolis:
So I was with a guy for a year and a half. We have been on and off about three times now. Every time we plan on taking a break for a little while, then we end up back together. The reason for the break ups have been because he had caught me lying and there have been arguements along with that. So he has not trusted me since the lies. Before that he adored me, I was the first serious girlfriend he had ever had. I took him for granted. So on December 1st we got in an argument, and I said, "why don't you just be done cause you seem so unhappy." He said fine I am done goodbye. Then about a week later we decided to just take a break and see how things go, without contact. Then a week after that he told me he didn't want a break, he wanted to be done for good. He told me that he loved me, but he wasn't inlove with me anymore. He said the feelings are still there, but they aren't as strong. I have been trying to contact him since then, he will no longer answer the phone, or reply to my texts. I asked him before if he wants to see what it's like without me, he said yes. He said the reason why he doesn't want a break is because, he didn't want to drag me along if he didn't feel the same way in a few months. He says maybe things will work out later on, in a few months. I bought him concert tickets for Linkin Park in Febuary.He said he would like to go as friends. He said maybe we could try to be friends and then go from there. He said there is no one else that he is interested in.