Submittedon Monday, December 31, 2007
By May, 28, from Egypt:

Hi,

How can I make my boyfriend think about marrying me? I really like him but I don't know how to make him think about marriage. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

Have you tried the traditional methods, like feigning pregnancy? Actually getting pregnant? Putting a gun to his head? Threatening to have your 7 brothers beat the living daylights out of him? Paying him?

I kid.

I don't know of a way to make him want to marry. Marriage is hard enough that it's something that two people (or more depending on the country or state) should enter into totally voluntarily and only when they feel ready.

The best you can do is ascertain what reasons he has and work on each of his objections one by one. Be aware that often people don't mention the real reason right away, so you have to keep digging. One technique for doing that goes like this:

You: So, what's you apprehension about marriage?
Him: We don't have enough money.
You: OK... so if money was no object, would you be ready to marry me?
There's a chance he'd bluff and say yes, but most likely, he'll come back with another reason instead.
Him: Well, no, I don't feel I know you well enough.
You: So when you feel you know me well enough you will be ready to marry me?
Him: Well... also, I'm not sure where we should live.
You: So, when we figure out where to live you'll be ready to marry me?
Him. No, not really... see, I really hate your family with a passion... I can't stomach your uncle and his affairs with the goats, I hate how your brother is always touching your boobs, your father tried to screw me in the ass, and you.... you... you drool when you're watching a movie and your farts are the absolute worst, and why oh why do you insist on wearing camel dung as makeup?

See? Now you have something to work with.

Submitted on Sunday, December 30, 2007
By Doll, 24, from UK:

EX WANTS ME BACK - WAS HE CHEATING????

I was with a guy for about 8 months - I'm 24, he's 34. All of a sudden he started acting a little shady/distant...he was having work problems.

One Saturday morning he told me he was busy with a few things - I happen to see him (no joke) walking on the coast with anohter woman (quite a bit older than me) and her dog. I flipped out and approached - he said there's nothing going on - he had just been made redundant the day before, the girl works in recruitment/human resources and he was asking for advice. Turns out she's married and does work for the company he said in recruitment.

Still, he lied to me, and I still don't believe his story - get the niggling feeling he was cheating?????

He then said he needed a break to sort himself out and was going to Europe - turns out he never went.

So, given the above, all the lies, I told him where to go and we're over.

In the past couple of months I've found out he was in some serious family/criminal trouble - obviously didn't want to tell me.

Just last week he sends a massive bouquet of flowers to my house (I still live at home with my parents) and a hand-written letter saying he loves me, misses me, has so much to explain but doesn't know where to start

I've ignored it - threw out the flowers - but it's so hard. I loved this guy, we had spoken about marriage etc, just don't know what to do.

VictorM's advice:

A relationship is not a court of law; you don't need proof of anything to make a decision. You were lied to and now you are following your gut. Good for you. So what if he loves you truly? What good is the love of a man you don't trust?

But, I have to tell you, one of the biggest blows to a man's ego is the loss of a job. It doesn't surprise me that he didn't want to tell you about that and was out looking to find another job. He went to one person who could help him. It just turned out that person is a woman. He could very well be telling the truth about that. However, I suspect you have other reasons to doubt his story, such as the trip to Europe. And family criminal activity? Fishy!

There seems to be enough smoke there to worry about a fire. In a case like this, I tell you: follow your gut.

Submitted on Sunday, December 30, 2007
By tori, 13, from tennessee:

Say you're a girl with boobs and a butt and a body... what if that girl gets a lot of boyfriends? Do they like her for what she is or what she looks like? Tell me because I'm that girl.
Thanks -tori

VictorM's answer:

Such a girl is always going to attract a large number of boys. It's only natural because males of any age usually get attracted first to physical looks. Some boys will just see your looks; some will see your looks and go beyond it. As an attractive girl, it's up to you to learn to judge each boy and decide if he sees more than your looks or if he just wants some booty.

But Tori... brace yourself. A girl like you will attract a lot of the "wrong" kinda boys. It's the price of beauty. Learn to live with it.

Submitted on Sunday, December 30, 2007
By Julie, 29, from Orlando, FL:

Hi Victor,

I've been hanging out with this guy since the beginning of November. We have been intimate with each other on several occassions. The other night I spent the night at his place. In the middle of the night he woke me up by kissing my neck then he told me he loved me. I thought he was talking in his sleep so I asked him what he said, and he said he loved me again. About a minute later he was back to sleep. The next morning I asked him if he rememebered kissing my neck in the middle of the night, and he told me no. I didn't ask about what he said. Do you think he was just talking in his sleep? I'm confused because he not only said it once but twice. Thanks for your help.

VictorM's advice:

It's totally possible that he doesn't remember. Here's a quote about sleepwalking (if indeed is the case with him):

Sleepwalkers may merely sit up, or they may get out of bed and wander. Sleepwalking typically occurs in the first few hours of sleep. The sleepwalker's eyes are open, but they usually have a blank expression on their face and walk with a rather rigid, unsteady gait. Sleepwalkers may walk around the house, eat or go to the bathroom. Some even get dressed and leave the house, but this occurs only rarely.

While sleepwalking, they can avoid obstacles, respond to commands, and perform complex actions like making sandwiches or arranging furniture. The sleepwalking episodes last from a few minutes to about a half hour. Usually they will return to their bed for the night. However, some come to rest in a hallway, another room or someone else's bed. Since they are sleeping during the whole episode, there is usually no memory of what happened when they wake up in the morning.

Now the question is, Did he mean what he said in his sleep? Well, this get a little dicier. It's possible that the answer is yes, or that he feels like he can love you but is not ready to say that for sure. So I wouldn't jump to any conclusions yet.

Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Alexandra, 14, from Hermitage,TN:

I am replying to your response to THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS AROUND THE SCHOOL. See, it's not as easy as telling him to kiss me because if I told him he would freak out. Also, my stepdad is always up our asses when he's here. Anything to help with that?! Thanks, -Alexandra

VictorM's advice:

And what exactly is the problem with freaking him out? Trust me, he's going to like it! Boys live to be freaked out! It'll be a great memory to have. Do it already!

But the stepdad... that's a different problem, but probably a good one because see, once you freak out your boyfriend with a kiss, believe you me, he'll want more. And your stepdad being around is a good thing. We don't want you two kids going freaky dicky and have sex* all over the house!

* I know, I know, you wouldn't do that. I'm just kidding.

Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Maria:

Hi once more. This is Maria from parts 1 & 2 of "He's not yet my boyfriend." Don't worry, I'm not here to yell again. Haha, sorry about that..I was a bit emotional when I wrote last. If it came across as abrasive or harsh, I didn't mean it to. I wanted to explain the reason I had gotten so upset at your first response to me.

Obviously the topic of "Joe" and I is a senstive one for me, one which has had me very emotional and confused recently. You would not believe how many people approach me every week saying, "So...you and 'Joe' are a new item now, huh? Officially boyfriend and girlfriend. That's so exciting for you!" It leaves me overwhelmed and unsure of things. Obviously Joe and I's behavior shows enough interest in each other to give off the impression that we are excusive...and yet...we haven't even kissed. It leaves me with very mixed signals about what is going on with us and how into me Joe really is. It makes me question his hesitation and the reasoning behind it, since he is obviously attracted to me in some shape or form. The other day he told me he's never seen me look bad a single day that he's known me. His behavior has become increasingly flirty in the past week or so...even more so than the usual. We talked for about an hour and a half today on instant message...and it was the flirtiest conversation we've had yet...nothing serious, but like there was a lot of teasing each other about intimate things...such as spanking and other physical stuff like that. It's like we can TALK hypothetically and tease each other about doing intimate/physical things with each other, but in person none of it ever happens. And I don't know why. I don't know if he's maybe just a flirt and it doesn't mean anything... or if that type of teasing implies his underlying desire to do those types of things with me and teasing is easier than actually initiating it for real? I know that for me...it is the 2nd one.

However in the meantime, we have made plans to get together for our 7th date. I am very excited about that! I had mentioned hanging out to him the other day and he said yes right away. But this is the other thing... "Joe" has blatantly told me that he is not a planner....And so I am taking his word for that. Some guys just aren't, I underdstand that. (I'm being very trusting of what he says there...aren't you proud of me?) :-D)

However, I have noticed that although we continue to go out a lot and we always have THE BEST TIME....It is usually ME who suggests it. I usually will have to say "I want to see you soon...When are you free?" And then he will suggest a day. Or I will have to practically hand the idea to him on a silver platter...Such as saying, "You know I heard about this really good movie..Did you ever see it? I think it's still playing." and from there he will THEN say "Let me check if it's still in theatres. We should check it out together." So while he is always very eager to get together, and he will hang out with me at last minute even, say if I text him or something....and we always have a great time...I usually have to bring it up to him. I often wish that HE would ask me. However, when I told him that very playfully once (I am beginning to realize that we address most issues through playful teasing with one another)...he responded by saying, "Yeeeeahh...about that....I'm just not a very good planner. I try to be, but I'm just not."

And he says he doesn't like having to be the decision maker, such as deciding what to do for the evening, or which movie to see that night. I believe he would rather have his eyes clawed out by a bear than be asked to choose "Where do you want to eat tonight?" Hahaha...but it would still be nice for him to make an effort in this area. Even if he just said, "We should get together soon..." I would have no problem picking the time and place. I DO trust him when he says he's not a planner, but how would you suggest that I let him know my feelings about this. I don't want to make it a big deal.

Anyways, I guess that's why I was so upset the other night. It is just a very confusing situation for me... I feel I am recieving some mixed signals here. And then your suggestion that he might not be interested in me through me over the edge, because if that was true, I would be really hurt. I feel like he DOES like me, and IS attracted to me...but something is holding him back. I don't know what to do or think. I am eager to see how things go on the next date. (Exactly a week from today.) Wish me luck....and i look forward to reading part 3 of this never ending saga. LOL.

VictorM's answer:

Maria, if I got paid by the number of words posted, you'd make me a rich man. :)

Spankings, huh? Kinky!

Anyway... back to "work"...

Sorry I brought so much anguish to your life but there's a different tone to your subsequent messages than the first one about how he may feel about you.

Guys are notoriously slow at getting to a relationship stage. Considering all that you've told me, his behavior is consistent with natural caution. I know that as a girl you want him to be bleeding and dying with the burning desire to be with you. But that's not the way it happens most of the times, certainly not with the type of guys that are more thinkers, as this guy seems to be.

Do believe his "no planner" personality (and yes, I'm proud of you :)). Right now he's just thrilled to be with you, it doesn't matter to him where you go. I had a Question+Answer on that same topic which you can read here (make sure to read the comments section, that's where all the good stuff is), so I won't rehash it. But accept that it is part of his personality. You can't change him anymore than you can make him funnier. In time he may change a bit, but don't count on it.

As for the flirting online, it all sounds very natural to me. There's no commitment in expressing the wildest sexual fantasies online, but a mere kiss in person could imply "relationship". Online expressions are devoid of any real meaning. They are just fun. Take it for what it is. It does show, however, that he has a playful personality, one you're likely to discover once you get past that darned first kiss.

So all we are down to are girl's typical burning desire to "catch" the guy, to get him to commit, to pledge his undying love and affection to you, like... yesterday! He has a different time table. That's all. I wish you could enjoy the ride instead of anguishing over it.

Let us know about the 7th date... specially if it goes so well that it leads to spankings. ;)

Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Lynn, 40, from Texas:

Should I marry a man if he wants to continue having separate vacations and holidays with his teenage children after we are married (without me and my children)? He is widowed, not divorced.

VictorM's advice:

Without a doubt and any hesitation -- YES!

Him and his children had a life before you came along. They are already teenagers, not little ones that can be incorporated into your new family. They have memories of their own of a family crushed by tragedy. His willingness to honor and respect those memories and want to stay connected to them this way speaks volumes about his commitment to loved ones and to the memory of his previous life.

A man that committed to his past and to his children is more likely than most to give you the same kind of commitment and respect. Besides, he'll be with them but a handful of days a year; the rest of the time he'll be forming new memories with you and your children.

Not only should you appreciate him for wanting to be with his children alone for a few days, you should encourage him to do it and receive him with open arms when he returns.

But if the above reasons make no sense to you, don't marry him; he deserves better.

Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Megan, 21, from Boston:

A while ago I was dating this guy. I liked him a lot. However, he dumped me for another girl. He kept in touch during the time he was dating her, and he always asked if he could visit me and see me. Now he tells me that he made a mistake and picked the wrong girl. He broke his own heart the day he let me go. He also said he could really see himself with me. Then he broke down almost in tears because he is leaving for the army in a few months. But he said that we could write to each other and talk on the phone, and he gets leaves and will come visit. I am honestly at a loss here with what to do. I still care for him very much. But I don't know if I can trust him. Any advice?

VictorM's advice:

I think he means what he says, but don't be fooled by that. Finding that the other girl was the wrong one doesn't make you all of a sudden the right one. There's a reason he was willing to drop you and that reason hasn't changed, even if he can't put his finger on it. He's coming back to the familiar and comfortable, not the passionate, a common reaction for guys in limbo. If you didn't light him up with passion before, why would you now?

You'd be wiser to spend your time looking for a guy who is seriously into you and you into him, instead of wasting your time with one who is just in need of some temporary comfort and that you no longer trust.

Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Molly, 14, from Vermont:

I have a pretty good guy friend who I like as more than a friend. His best friend knew I liked him. Sometime during the last week before winter break, my crush/friend found out how I feel about him. I haven't talked to him about my liking him, although we've been keeping in regular contact over the break through email. But, the emails have been getting much shorter and less personal (i.e. he used to tease me all the time and they used to be very long but now they are very impersonal and only a few sentences long). I know for sure he knows I like him. When we go back to school right after new year's, what should I do? Should I sit with him in the classes I have with him like I always do, or should I ignore him? Should I ask him to talk about it? Please help me! I don't want to lose my friend!

VictorM's advice:

No, do not talk to him about it. Do nothing difference when you go back to school. Sit with him and act as if nothing has changed.

What's going on with the shorter, less personal emails is he doesn't want to lead you on, so he's pulled back. We can gather from this that he's not interested in anything more than friendship with you, for now anyway. Actually, the thought of something serious with a girl can be downright scary to boys your age.

Continue to be his friend and do not bring up any topics other than what you normally would talk about as a friend. Once he sees you're not about to go "when are we getting married?" on him, he's bound to relax and resume being friendly again.

Submitted on Saturday, December 29, 2007
By Anonymous, 17:

Hi its me again. Victor you helped me with the "We don't have any problems except for one - his ex" situation, but its grown even bigger.

My Boyfriend and I have been doing very well. Everything was fine until about 4 days ago. One of our friends was having a sleepover party for all the jews on christmas eve. My bf and I were talking about it for a while, and at first I wasnt going to go. But then I had a weird feeling and told him to pick me up in 20 min. When I called him, he said: "by the way, my ex is gonna be there." I got frustrated and told him I am definitely going. She opened the door and introduced herself. I said hi and walked by. Her friend looked at her and said "no competition" which wasn't a suprise to me at all. I knew she was trying to get him. Then she told her friend she can "blow up his spot" and when I over heard her, I quietly took him to the side, and told him if there's anything I need to know he should tell me now. Well, this girl is an idiot. My bf did nothing wrong. My bf went upstairs and she went after him. When they came downstairs she walked right up to me and said "if you think I've seen him since you two started dating, you're wrong." I told her to get away from me and she did. Basically that whole night she made herself look like an idiot around all of mine and his friends. (She was a friend of a guys gf that came along). The next day I came home and found a message online to me, her trying to apologize but not sincerely, just so she won't continue to look stupid. I didn't say anything rude, and I didn't say anything I wanted to, but I responded to her and told her I just don't want anything to do with her, and I can already see how fake she is. She responded to me by degrading me. Then she called my ex bf (because they hookedup a while ago.. she's a slut) and told him how me and my bf are having problems and if he wants me back he should call me.

I let my bf know everything that was going on, and for some reason he just won't let go of her. He keeps saying that she has always been his good friend and that he doesn't want to end his friendship with her. All of his friends now hate her guts, and I do too. I thought what she did was way disrepectful. I wanted him to stand up for me but for some reason he's afraid to. He's a really nice guy, but he told me that we either have to stop the drama or we are breaking up. He never threatened her like that. All he keeps saying to her is please just try to apologize again, you were wrong, I don't know if I want to be your friend (and this line was me pushing him). She thinks I'm threatened by her, but I'm not at all. This girl is nothing compared to me and everyone knows it. She is a conniving little liar & her looks aren't that great either. I kind of feel bad for her. But I just don't know what to do. This caused my bf and I to have a huge fight, that I never want to have with him again. She was a bitch to him at the party, and to everyone else. But she doesn't talk to us like she does to him. She's really sweet to him, and I knew from the beginning that I didn't want them talking only because I knew she would interfere with our relationship. She is trying to break us up and no matter which way I put it to him, he just doesn't understand and refuses to listen. I really don't want us to drift apart and break up. PLEASE please help. =( What should my next step be? Should I forget who she is and go on with our relationship?

VictorM's advice:

Given everything you said about her, you are making a big mistake giving her so much importance and fighting with your boyfriend over her. True, he should be more forceful with her, but to say he's done nothing about her is not right either. He tells her she's wrong and makes her apologize. The extra push he needs to further distance himself from her should not come in the form of fights and confrontations; it should come in the form of major niceness from you.

You ought to recognize the nice qualities inherent in his behavior with her. See, to you, you are asking him to stop talking to an ex; to him, you're asking him to drop a close friend. That's hard to do for a guy who values friendship and loyalty. Those are good qualities. What you need to realize is that in his mind she means nothing because he's no longer interested in her. And think about it, the way she feels about him, he could have her in a heartbeat, so why doesn't he? Because he's not interested in her.

Make his time with you fun and easy, stop paying her attention, and stop annoying him about her and she'll be history sooner than you think. Totally ignoring her is the magic potion to solve this problem.

Keep me updated. This is better than soap operas. Sorta like a real life version of "Mean Girls". :)

My ex boyfriend and me are still friends after going out twice before. My friends tell me that if our relationship didn't work out the first two times, then why try again for a third time? I think I still love him, but I'm not sure. I love being around him and he is nice to talk to, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me anymore. I don't want to ruin our friendship by talking to him about it, because I treasure our friendship that we have. But I also don't want to have this feeling of the past when I spend time with him. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You should talk to him about getting back together. If you go on assuming that he doesn't like you anymore you will always be haunted you by "what if." Ask him and be sure one way or the other. If he's willing to try again, give it your best shot. If not, stop worrying about keeping the friendship because this friendship will bring you nothing but grief and pain. Sooner or later he's going to find a girlfriend. And then what? You're better off moving to new friends and drifting away from him.

Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By abbi, 15, from lincon:

Me and this guy I sit with in class had a lil flirting thing going on then it died down but it recently started up again online. He told in the past that he likes me but that he wouldn't go out with me. And now he justs wants to have sex with me and that my breast are amazing. Yeah it was in the begining but now I just want to have real converations and not talk dirty all the time. But he only wants to talk naughty to me. Plus he likes this girl and considers her girlfriend material. Now I really like this guy. How can I get away from all the sexy part and get him interested in me as a girlfriend type. Because I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I like my personality.

VictorM's advice:

Find out what things he's very interested in (sports, movies, music, video games, etc.) and try to talk to him about those things. Ask open ended questions and give him a chance to show you how much he knows about them. Guys love to impress this way.

Guys look for different things between the girls they like to have fun with and the girls they think of as girlfriend material. If you don't want to be a fun toy only, you must put a stop to the sex talk.

I don't know if he's ever going to think of you as girlfriend material, but I suggest that you: 1) Don't respond to his sex talk, 2) Bring up topics of interest to him, and 3) Get off line if he persists with the naughty talk. In the process, he may just stop talking to you altogether. If he does, at least you'll know he was only interested in one thing.

Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By k, 45, from il:

I am divorced and dating/living with a wonderful man for 4 years (he has never been married but was in a 18 year relationship). We are not kids - 45 and 51. I really love him and he loves me. We have known each other since I was 16 and always got along and had fun together.
I am ready for marriage although I never thought I would marry again. We are both Catholic and both families are very happy we are together. We just spent Christmas together (families and all). He does not want to marry but does not like to talk about it. I already knew this from before (18 yr relationship. I truly didn't think marriage would ever be in my vocabulary again but I know that we do love each other (he is super in every way) and we are both not getting younger - I want to! Financially, we are both set in our long term good jobs so that is not an issue. I take him not wanting to marry as he does not love me "enough". He says that is not true but............ Help?

VictorM's answer:

Marriage is a legal commitment; love has nothing to do with it (even if most people who do it are in love).

Gaging how much he loves you by whether he's willing to marry, specially at your ages, is a very poor way of doing it. After all, some people marry for reasons having nothing to do with love: money, status, politics, convenience, tax deductions, etc. And lots of married people hate each other. Conversely, many couples who have lived for many years in love never marry. Some, in fact --gays and lesbians -- haven't even been allowed to marry.

Look for another reason why he doesn't want to marry. There's enough reason to believe degree of love for you may not be it.

Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By n:

How can you tell if a guy is being serious when he asks you out?

VictorM's answer:

I'm going to assume you're rather young, so I'll say: tell him to ask you out in front of your father or mother.

Submitted on Friday, December 28, 2007
By v, 11, from room:

If a guy gives you a comment on 1 thing every time he sees you does he like you?

VictorM's answer:

If the comment is a compliment, yes, he likes you.

And around your age, if the comment is an insult, he's madly in love with you. :)

For one thing you say I am untrusting... Haha...I wouldn't say I am untrusting, rather I am unsure of whether the other girls are friends or more than that to "joe." (let's just call him that). Doesn't make me untrusting, just means I simply do not know as I have not blatantly asked him and so I thought I'd get your take. For another thing...You say that my jealousy will turn him off to me. However, "Joe" is equally as jealous of other GUYS in MY life. He has in fact made NEARLY IDENTICAL inquiries/questions/remarks about male friends of MINE. Such as when they write on my facebook wall, come up in conversation, when I get photographed with one of them, etc. In fact...the entire joke behind me calling the text girl his "booty call" was an inside joke that we share...because there is this one guy friend I have that "Joe" always says is MY BOOTY CALL guy. What I failed to mention in my previous post is that "joe" and I constantly tease each other about the other's friends of the opposite sex. And we BOTH get a little jealous. This is probably the entire reason we DO tease each other in such a manner...we are getting the scoop on these people in an attempt to see if its competition or not. But it is not JUST ME being a little jealous and asking him about it, like I said...he does so too to me. So to imply I'm being overly paranoid about the attention he receives from other girls is unfair since he bahaves in exactly the same way about the guys in MY LIFE. He has many a time grabbed MY cell phone to check out MY text messages and to see who has been calling ME.

You said his response to me about the text girl implied he didn't care what I thought about it, but I beg to differ there. For one thing when I asked him who the girl that texted him was he did not just respond "Whatever" like you said he did. He was amused and laughed at me calling her a booty call because obviously she is NOT that to him, ( I know that NOW, not at the time) and he playfully said "Ok, whatever you say!" with a sly little grin on his face like he was trying to get a little bit of a rise out of me. It was almost like he was agreeing with me because he wanted to see me respond jealously...but I could tell he saw that I knew better...which is why I brought it up in a teasing way, not seriously. Also after saying "Whatever you say!" He was like "Nah, she's just this girl I know." To me, that felt like he was assuring me that she wasn't anyone to worry about.(going from playful and joking to now serious...implying his first comment was not true...she's not really a booty call) And In the other post, I didn't mention that he also said after that, "Hey I'm here with YOU, aren't I? You don't see me running over to her now, do you?" So I DO think he was concerned about what I thought.

Further more, I NEVER said that "joe" was responsible for the text girls actions when she texted him. I was just telling you about something that had happened as it happened...in case it might be of some importance. You're supposed to be the expert here, but how can you properly assess the situation if it is not described completely accurately?? That is the reason I brought it up. But I never blamed "joe" for anything.

You also imply that a lack of a kiss after 3 months means that "Joe" is not interested in me...This COULD be true, but I am not entirely convinced...Although we have been dating 3 months, we have only had 6 dates, which makes us still relatively new to each other. Plus...we both still live at home with our parents right now...and so it's not like a make-out session is realistically the easiest thing to arrange at this point. (With our parents upstairs...how comfortable! Yeah right!) We are also both known for being VERY SHY and I can say with certainty that neither of us would be comfortable with public displays of affection. Even more so, "Joe" is coming out of a relatively new break up from a pretty long relationship. I think that's significant and very important to consider. I sense that he is being cautious about re-entering the dating world. He is also at a kind of unstable point in his life right now for a variety of reasons including his place, job, school, etc. And ok...even if we are just friends for now, I think there is mutual interest and attraction towards each other. To say that anything will happen with it at this point...probably not yet...but I still think we could stand a chance at romance eventually...I don't think it would happen immediately, but it could still be possible for sometime in the near future. Who knows? Don't some of the best relationships stem from great friendships??? I haven't completely lost hope. I think we still need to get to know each other and test the waters with others a bit first...but like I said...it has gotten a little more personal..such as him spending time at my place quite late whilst hanging out on the couch together.

FYI...I do of course realize it would be wayyyyy premeditated to ask "where are we headed?" right now!!! We are so new to each other!!! And we haven't become intimate!!! I was only speaking hypothetically in response to a comment you made to someone else (kalissa) in a recent post. I was speaking hypothetically as I envisioned things in the FUTURE, not now. Of course, at some point I do feel that a person has the right to know if the person they are dating is also dating other people.... But, nooooooo....I would not ask yet however.

I have been asked out by another guy yesterday...and am considering accepting and seeing how that goes. You said that was a good idea, yes? I suppose you are right...That doesn't send mixed signals though? I guess not if you have suggested it. I would just hate to imply to "joe" that I am not into him which is why I am suddenly seeing other people...but you seem to think seeing others is a good idea. Maybe i will accept and just see what happens.

Well anyways...I am curious to see how it all plays out from here and also to hearing your response to mine.

VictorM's advice:

Wow... I struck a nerve, didn't I? I'm glad you took the time to write and vent about it.

You misunderstood what I said. You are confusing "jealousy" with "mistrust". They are not the same thing. Being jealous is not a good thing, but we all exhibit some form of it from time to time. What I believe is the most serious threat to a relationship is "lack of trust". And that's what I said you need to watch out for.

I should explain the difference between the two, as I see it. For example, picking up the phone to see who has been calling you is lack of trust. You simply don't believe the other person will tell you the truth. Jealousy, on the other hand, is a spur-of-the-moment feeling TRIGGERED by something (an ex coming into the picture, a text message that looks suspicious, a girl at the bar giving him the eyes, etc.). Jealousy has a specific trigger, that is, something happens that you can point to. Lack of trust, on the other hand, doesn't require that event, it indeed LOOKS to create those events even when there's no specific evidence. If you think he's going to the bar to pick-up girls, that's a lack of trust; if you're at a bar with him and you think an attractive girl has caught his attention, that's jealousy. Both are bad, but jealousy is more targeted while mistrust knows no boundaries. Another example is your guy is with a bunch of male friends. You may feel no jealousy, but you still think they're up to no good (lack of trust).

You say that you are not "untrusting," but let's take a look at what you said in your initial submission:

• "he says he isn't either...I'm not sure if that's true though" - He told you he isn't seeing anyone else, but you don't believe him. That's lack of trust.
• he was like "She's just this girl I know...I hardly ever talk to her." Oh puh-leeze! This girl he hardly ever talks to is texting him at 1 in the morning??? The "Oh puh-leeze!" and the three questions marks gave me the distinct impression that you don't believe him. That's lack of trust.
  

You said: "So to imply I'm being overly paranoid about the attention he receives from other girls..." Excuse me? "Overly paranoid"? I didn't make any comment that even remotely implies that. Your concern about other girls hardly makes you paranoid, and I never said that, but by the same token don't make too much light of your trust issue. Oh sure, you can discount it as "joking" but come on, if you become a couple the "joking" is more likely to evolve into something unhealthy and problematic. Grabbing each other's phones to see who's calling may sound to you like it means he's interested in you, but think again; this kind of behavior leads to hellish relationships. And that he's equally jealous (your word) with you doesn't make things better; in fact, it makes it worse.

The "Whatever..." was a direct quote from your first submission. The "..." simply means I wasn't going to post the whole quote again, but that start was a direct quote from you. Your further explanation on this submission puts a different light on the topic. Sounds like it was more casual than it came across in your original question.

As for not kissing... I can understand the situation but, you're in your mid 20's... 6 dates over 3 months... and not even a kiss? Sounds a bit odd to me. Does it mean he's not interested? No, it doesn't have to mean that at all. It is possible that he thinks that a kiss means that you're boyfriend/girlfriend, and he's not ready for that yet. He's willing to go very slow, which is not a bad thing. I agree that the best relationships evolve from friendship, so rushing is not necessary. But still... not even a peck on the lips? Odd!

About dating other guys... let's take a step back. Based on your first submission I was left with the impression that he's not interested in a relationship with you, not yet anyway. After your follow-up, there are hints that he could have an interest. So your decision to date other guys has to be weighted against what you think could be his response to it. A date is not a serious thing, but is that what he will think? I don't know. But as you said, how long do you wait around for one guy before there's commitment? Don't go out and date other guys based on my advice; it's something that you have to weight the pros and cons of and decide on your own.

Rereading my first answer I see that me quoting your "Oh puh-leeze!" at the end sounds sarcastic and maybe that's what you meant by my "mocking tone". Attempts at humor often come out wrong in text. I apologize if this is what happened.

You called me an expert. I must point out that, as my disclaimer says, I'm not a professional. Ultimately, you can't decide what to do based solely on what some guy on the internet says. Of course I mean well with my advice but I don't have all the facts and I don't have to live with the consequences of your decision, only you do.

One final note... I do advise you to reconsider all the "joking" about jealousy and the signs of mistrust. If I'm making a bigger issue of it than it really is, fine, but if I'm even close, it is something you should try to work out.

Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Claire, 32, from London:

I have met the loveliest guy, we have been on 3 dates and we got on great. He told me his last girlfriend cheated on him and he wanted to take things slow as he was still a bit cut up from their break up 6 months ago. I really like him and hope this will move on to being a relationship.
Before Christmas he was phoning and texting every day, being real sweet. Now I am at home, 400 miles away and my phone is silent! No cute texts, calls...nothing!

So, do I delete his number and forget him, or chase him a bit in the hope he will come round? I don't even know what's changed? Is it just the busy Christmas period?
Thanks,
Claire x

VictorM's advice:

It's too soon to jump to any conclusions. You're right, with Christmas and all, it's very possible that he's occupied. But, you may ask, doesn't he have a minute or two to text? This is thinking like a girl, not like a guy. Guys are more single-threading in nature. If he made time to spend it with his family and friends, you're out of the picture for now. It's no reflection on you; that's just the way guys are.

Don't delete anything yet. Wait at least until sometime in January.

Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Nathalie, 30, from New York:

Update from he wants to have brunch. I am following up about the guy I wrote about earlier.

So I am currently abroad and landed on saturday night. We have talked/seen each other/or been in touch each day since then. When I arrived, I had already received a text message from him telling me his local cell number and also that I should call him when I got in. So I did and we chatted a little but it was late. He was heading out with his cousins.

So the next day we talked and he ended up busy (running around helping his cousin with a xmas concert) till too late for me so I went to sleep do to jet lag. It turns he lives near the hotel my family is staying at and called to see if he might stop by for lunch, but we were out (my family has a jampacked schedule during this trip at least during the days).

We first hung out on Xmas eve and met up with some people (mostly friends of his some from NY and others from high school). We ended up going to two places and the last was a nightclub where we stayed till 4am. The other people left about an hour before but we were having fun dancing. During this he was much more touchy with me. When I saw him sitting during a break, he wanted me to come sit next to him and our knees legs were touching and his hands were around me. On the way out of the club he held my hand as we left and walked to the car. When he dropped me off, I hugged (which is our usual). Btw I am finishing off a virus and so I dont want to spread anything too.

Since then we exchanged xmas texts on xmas and then hung out last night again till late. Since he lives near me it works well and he has been my social planner in a way and he knows what is going on and picks me up and drops me off. He is very considerate. But last night he wasn't as touchy (and I am not one to be flirty first). We didn't go to places with dancing but more lounging and I met his cousin. But strangely, in the car on the way he mentioned one of his friends I met the previous time asked about me. I didn't respond at all. I didn't really know why he was telling me and the best way to respond. So that left some silence and he didn't say anything about it again.

The last part threw me off and I haven't yet asked about the girlfriend issue because nobody else mentions it. But also I heard one of his friend's wives joking earlier on the first night we were out that she may have some friends to introduce him to. He's here through Jan 4th and me through Jan 6th and he is also my social network here and drives me to and from. So I'm taking path of least resistance. I will bring it up (about girlfriend) if he tries to kiss me or gets really touchy again.

What do you think about this story/his interest etc.? What approach do you recommend (I'm so not a flirt unless I am tipsy either and generally wait on the guy first, so I am often told I am hard to read)?

VictorM's advice:

You still didn't ask about his girlfriend? Rats! I'm biting my nails! :)

Nothing that he's done so far suggest anything more than just friends. The touchy stuff at a club, when drinks are involved, is natural and not at all an indication of any special interest. But, part of it could be that you're hard to read and he's thinking you just want a tour guide. If this is so, it plays in your favor to be aloof because if he's interested in you he's enjoying the slow progress. If he's not interested, well, you're still getting a good guide.

The question about one his friends asking about you was most likely designed to see what your attitude about having a male interest is. Since you don't seem to be giving any signs, he doesn't know where you stand. He's probably as curious about your intentions as you are about his.

I'd say continue as you are. You have caught his interest, he enjoys your company, and you're spending time together. And for now, that's all you should be focused on. He's getting to know you better without the pressures of a relationship and only good things could come from that.

Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By Lee, 41, from Florida:

Hi Victor,

What does it mean when a guy uses your name in conversation – when he’s talking to you? What about pet names? This is a guy whom I haven’t seen in many, many years and lives 3000 miles away. He alternates between emailing and texting me several times a day to not talking to me at all. Now he’s calling me sweetheart, hon, darling, babe etc. on a daily basis.

For quite some time he was sending intimate emails. They were “clean”, but there were definite sexual undertones and I welcomed them. Then he suddenly stopped, and seemed annoyed when I would initiate a message, even if it was about something as trivial as the weather. He would ignore me and then later apologize and say he was busy etc.

I stopped initiating the messages – even though it killed me, and then he started sending them again. He’s been saying my name in the conversations for quite some time, but the pet names only started recently. I was surprised, but happy. Now I don’t know how to respond to him. I actually replied to a couple of emails by saying something like “Hi handsome” and “Hi stud” and he seemed to back off again. That was a few days ago. Today he's calling me babe again.

I have my own ideas, but I would sure love to hear what you have to say. For the record, I’m married and he knows it. What he doesn’t know is that I’m separated. He’s married, and he says he’s happy, but I don’t believe it. His wife is cheating on him – I know this for a fact – but I don’t think he knows it, although he probably suspects it.

VictorM's advice:

It "killed" you not to initiate text messages with a married man who lives 3,000 miles away and you haven't seem in many years? You need to find a hobby or something.

The use of your name and pet names could mean that he's grown fonder of you. You're expecting him to respond within your own perceived time frame and when he doesn't, you jump to the conclusion that he seemed annoyed or is backing off but he's simply just not responding as quickly as you would like him to. With a job, wife, holidays, and a life of his own it's understandable if he's not responding quickly enough for you.

There is another possibility: he's desperate to show affection for someone, something he probably no longer can do with his cheating wife. You are just a surrogate for his needs. It bothers him when you respond in kind because he senses you're getting attached and he doesn't want that. And why wouldn't he want that? Because one cheating wife is enough.

Submitted on Thursday, December 27, 2007
By sara, 28, from uk:

yep i know you're right with him not wanting more than sleeping with me 1-2 a week etc....although i don't get what you mean about him being direct with me cos he was saying and doing things for a long time which indicated a bit more than that, wasn't he?

i ended it all a few days ago....told him i wasn't up for the casual thing anymore. he did the whole i don't do feelings for anyone line again....this was all via text etc.

anyway....when i got up the next morn he'd messaged me on msn to say....i'm deleting your number so i don't call you up again cos you want more...is that ok? (i was set as online on msn so he thought i was there at the time)

why did he message me that?? thats like calling someone up to say you're not going to speak to them again....totally pointless in my opinion...so why??? haha!

i'm now doing no contact with him....his number is deleted and he's blocked on msn now...which is fine glad i found out now that he's not worth my time seeing as he was enjoying punishing me for being a bit cautious at the start....

also....one more question....when i would tell him why i liked him etc...he would say that he was embarrassed at what i'd said....said that he wasn't used to women meaning what they say and it was all bullshit....is this a line too? or has he just got some self esteem issues here?? lol..

thank you for all your advice....kinda bummed that he didn't want to go out on a date with me...but plenty more monkeys in the zoo i guess!

VictorM's answer:

I said he was direct because in your last submission you felt he had been treating you as a fuck buddy. Clearly if you felt that way it means he has never promised you more. From what you've said before, sounds like he never said he was ready for a relationship.

Lots of people have real problems dealing with compliments. They feel that even merely saying "Thank you" is a form of narcissism. It doesn't have to mean self-esteem problems, although in most cases it probably does; often it comes more from being raised to be humble.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By Babydoll, 20, from USA:

Hi victor, I have a question for you.

I met this guy during my part time job during summer, he works at a store near the store I work at. We talked and flirted whenever he came to the store. Toward the end of the summer he found out that I had to go away for college and he asked for my number. But he never contact me until recently. He texted me and asked me when I am coming home and he wants to hang out with me. I was happy he texted and we just text back and forth to each other. My problem with him is that the other night he called me at midnight and asked me when I am free so we can hang out, he said he's free whenever and I was sorta mindless I asked him if he's free NOWand he said yes. But he stood me up that night. Later he texted and said he was sorry. I don't know what is he thinking, why does he confuse me so much? He only called once and when I call him he never picks up the phone. But he keeps telling me if I want to hang out I should give him a call. I dont know what to do with him, is he playing me?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know if he's playing you, but did he explain why he stood you up? Because unless there's a very good reason, I'm inclined to believe he's keeping contact with you to keep you around "for a rainy day," not because he's that much into you.

PS. Sorry, I don't respond by email.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By may, 33:

Hi Victor, I have been dating a wonderful guy for three months now. I started to love him more by knowing him. But the problem is he is very busy with work, never has time for me. I am not sure if he loves me the same way as I love him. He seems nice to me, but why never plan or do things for me? We even haven't celebrated the christmas together. I ask him if he can get me a christmas gift. He said ok but I guess he won't do it anyway. But he was willing spend time on sending gift to my parent for Christmas instead. Does it mean he doesn't care about me much? Does he really love me?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know if he loves you or not, but what difference does it make if he doesn't make time for you? If he loves you and doesn't show it, is that good enough for you?

You asked him for a Christmas gift? Why? Somehow if he's forced into buying you something you'll feel better? I don't know... women can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes with all the gift crap.

Anyway, I don't know if his life being so busy means he doesn't care about you, but it sure means you don't come first in his life. Only you can decide if that's good enough for you.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By Kalissa:

Hi this is Kalissa again, from the submission titled "Out of nowhere he started to distance himself."

The day after submitting that, he wrote me a long email just checking in, asking about my weekend...told me hed seen some of my new photos on facebook and told me I was "looking real good. ;-)" We ended up hanging out that night..(christmas eve) at a bar...then he came to my place and hung out with me on the couch until 2am. Before leaving he said that it had been one of his better christmas eves to date. Today he messages me again on facebook and left me messages on instant message, but I wasn't logged on. I'm still very much into him...what should my next move be? I don't want to seem over eager if the chase is part of the fun...

VictorM's advice:

Make sure this was not just a "I'm lonely over the Holidays" type thing on his part. Other than that, rest assured that the chase is part of the fun.

There's no need to play games but you do want him to get to know you better and allow himself to feel closer to you before you start doing typical girly stuff like: giving him too much attention, declaring your feelings, and "gulp* asking the dreaded "where are we headed?" question.

Be too busy for him once in a while, and pay him light compliments (he shouldn't be the only way to say that "you look good" or similar things). But this is important: compliments to guys must be pleasant observations about physical stuff. Do NOT get mushy and say things like: "you're the kindest guy I ever met." Guys don't daydream about being told: "You're so nice". They want to hear stuff that makes them feel manly, like: love your chest, that shirt looks great on you, I like your haircut, great car, you make me so wet ;), etc. Keep compliments light, keep them about physical things.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007
By very upset, 24, from Minneapolis:

So I was with a guy for a year and a half. We have been on and off about three times now. Every time we plan on taking a break for a little while, then we end up back together. The reason for the break ups have been because he had caught me lying and there have been arguements along with that. So he has not trusted me since the lies. Before that he adored me, I was the first serious girlfriend he had ever had. I took him for granted. So on December 1st we got in an argument, and I said, "why don't you just be done cause you seem so unhappy." He said fine I am done goodbye. Then about a week later we decided to just take a break and see how things go, without contact. Then a week after that he told me he didn't want a break, he wanted to be done for good. He told me that he loved me, but he wasn't inlove with me anymore. He said the feelings are still there, but they aren't as strong. I have been trying to contact him since then, he will no longer answer the phone, or reply to my texts. I asked him before if he wants to see what it's like without me, he said yes. He said the reason why he doesn't want a break is because, he didn't want to drag me along if he didn't feel the same way in a few months. He says maybe things will work out later on, in a few months. I bought him concert tickets for Linkin Park in Febuary.He said he would like to go as friends. He said maybe we could try to be friends and then go from there. He said there is no one else that he is interested in. I don't know what do, or what to think. I miss him so much. I feel like he is gone forever. I feel like he hates me cause he won't answer my phone calls What do I do? Will he ever come back? Is it just a line when they say things might work out later, but not right now?

VictorM's answer:

Once a guy says he's breaking up with you disregard everything he says after that. It's not that the guy is lying; he just blurts out a bunch of polite, let me get out before she starts crying, don't burn any bridges, kind of boiler plate sentences: I love you but I'm not in love, let's take a break see how it goes, let's be friends, I have no one else, blah blah blah...

I don't think he's coming back. The magic is gone. Period. And you're both better off for it; once trust goes, the relationship is hell. Learn your lesson and try harder to stick to the truth with the next guy. This one is gone forever.

Submitted on Monday, December 24, 2007
By Maz, 19, from Home:

I've been using this chatroom for a while now, and this one particular guy has caught my attention, and me his. So, we chat on msn frequently and for some reason chatting to him beats chatting/talking to any of the guys I personally know. I never run out of things to say to him, and same goes for him to me. He's funny, witty, intelligent, and sometimes even cute.

We haven't shared any personal information except age, name, and location (not street addresses or anything) But, I think I revealed more of my character to him than any other boy. I added him on Facebook, where his friends (not online friends) comment him regularly on, so I know he's not some psycho predator. But, he's in UK and me in America.

I don't want to assume that he has feelings for me but he spends all night chatting to me (sometimes as late as 5AM his time) He wanted my phone number, but I didn't give it because my parents are pretty strict, and he was okay with that. We both come from the same background, so I guess it was easier for him to understand that I'm not even supposed to have relationships with boys.

Am I being a "silly girl" for developing these feelings? And even stupid for thinking that there might be a chance that he might have some feelings for me? I guess what I need is a reality check, but I have this gut feeling that there might be something that I'm missing. Is it possible for guys to develop feelings for a girl without having a physical relationship? I know, I'm being shallow, but I don't know the answers..

VictorM's advice:

You shouldn't be impressed by what a guy does in the initial stages of sweeping you off your feet. Him being up until 5 AM after you have been together for years would be impressive; doing so this early on is not a sign of devotion, it's a sign of self gratification. And that won't last!

You also say you can talk to him endlessly, but that's a mirage. What happens is you're both online when you both feel like talking. When you don't feel like it, you don't go online. That's not so easy to do with people you see in real life.

The thing is that this online fantasy you're sharing, in general, works better for guys than for girls. That's because girls start getting emotionally involved while the guys start looking for other girls they can be so dashing and charming with. When things cool off, he's off to another conquest while you sit at home depressed wondering what you did wrong.

I'm not saying he can't develop feelings for you. You read enough stories about such cases working out but they are the exception. Someone wins the lottery from time to time but that doesn't change that to everyone the odds of winning are still millions to one. Making a relationship like this work is rare.

Rejoin the real world soon.

By anonymous:

Hey Victor! (:

Thank you so much for your help.

I was just wondering. Would a guy cheat on his girlfriend because he's insecure. My friend's exboyfriend said that reason before when he cheated on her and he seemed real about it. Also, she IS a gorgeous girl. But why would a guy cheat because of his insecurities?

VictorM's answer:

Cheating has nothing at all to do with the person being cheated. It doesn't matter what she looks like. Cheating is 100% about the person doing the cheating. Cheating is about greed. It's all about about "me" without consideration for anyone else. People try to put lipstick on that pig by saying it was just lack of willpower, or opportunity, curiosity, or alcohol, or many others. These are all excuses for the real reason: greed. That is, thinking about oneself without regard to anyone else.

People who are insecure, if anything, worry too much about what others think. So, no, I don't believe insecurity was his reason. He was just a horny toad, spurred on by the confidence that if he can have a gorgeous girlfriend he could have any other girl. And so he did.

Submitted on Monday, December 24, 2007
By abcarino, 17, from il:

Can a guy be mean because he likes you or just wants you to go away?

VictorM's answer:

Guys in general, and teenagers in particular, are notorious for using the "mean" card as a way of getting a girl's attention. And often, it works.

I'd say the odds that he likes you are higher than he means "go away".

Submitted on Monday, December 24, 2007
By JUliana, 44, from toronto:

How can you tell if a guy likes you after a date?

VictorM's advice:

If he asks you for another date.

Submitted on Monday, December 24, 2007
By Kate, 14, from Boston:

Dear VictorM: I hope you can help me with my problem, because it’s not only about boys.

Here’s the situation:

I have a pretty good guy friend. I have known him for 5 years, but this year we became closer than we have been before. I started liking him as more than a friend when we were at a party together in October. We played truth-or-dare and he had to kiss me on the cheek. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but what got me was afterwards, at the end of the party, was when he was like, “we’re still cool, right?” He actually cared about the friendship we had, and we had only been friends since the beginning of the school year. After that, we became really good friends. We emailed, talked on the phone, hung out after school and on weekends—we were just good friends. From the first moment I knew I liked him, I knew my friendship with him was MUCH more important than a relationship with him. So I decided I’d never tell him how I felt.

Last Tuesday, he started acting the tiniest bit different. More...reserved, I guess. It was a very subtle change, but I’m good at picking up on things like that. We didn’t talk as much at school and he promised to call but never did. On Wednesday, I felt almost like he was really angry with me or something when my friend and I sat with him in a class we have early in the day, and I eventually got up and sat somewhere else because I was so uncomfortable. We didn’t talk at all on Thursday and that’s when I found out basically what had been going on in the last week or so:

I was in English class second period and a couple of my girlfriends and I were teasing each other about guys we liked. One of them, Julie, was like, “Hey, do you like J?” and although I do, I was like, “nooo...who gave you that idea?” and she was like, “I just know these things. Let’s just say I have eyes all over school...” The topic was dropped after that and class went on. Later on in the day we had to return to homeroom and we had some time to talk. I have two of my good friends in my homeroom, one of whom, Sadie, is friends with Julie, and I asked her about what Julie had said. “Oh, Julie got that information from Shelly,” said Sadie. “Shelly’s been telling everyone in our group that you like J.” I was shocked. Shelly is J (my crush’s) best girl friend and also good friends with Sadie and Julie, but I don’t even know her. I didn’t have any idea how she could think that I like him because I don’t spend any time with J while Shelly’s around. But she still told J and all their friends. And suddenly I understood why he was being so weird. But then that night we had this really long conversation online. The next day, Friday, was the day before break. Thankfully for me, J wasn’t at school. I was sitting with Sadie and some other friends, and we were talking about birthday parties. “I have to have 2,” Sadie said. “Why?” we all asked. She explained that she was going to have a party where me and my friends were invited, and then she would have another where Shelly and her friends were invited. “Shelly hates you and Colleen. I don’t know why.” After that, I came to the conclusion that Shelly was totally out to get me.

So, anyways, I’m wondering what to do about saving my friendship with J. It’s so important to me. I want things to be like they were before. I’ve thought about giving him some space, but I’m worried that if I don’t make an effort to maintain my friendship with him, I’ll lose it completely. I don’t want to be up in his face because I’m not 100% sure he knows (although I think he really does). I don’t want to push it, and I...just want things to go back to normal. I don’t think that will happen with his girl BFF around. How do I get her to leave me alone and salvage my friendship? Any advice, not only on my questions but on the whole situation would be wonderful.

VictorM's advice:

Sounds to me like Sadie is making a bigger deal about this than she should with this silliness of having two parties. She's just a drama queen.

Anyway, if J is a normal guy he won't pay much attention to all this. Your notion that he's "acting the tiniest bit different" sounds like you're reading too much into things. "Tiniest"? Pleease! Boys are not robots. They have moods, go though phases, and specially around your age, are going through a lot of changes. To read any of those things as a possible reflection of what he's thinking about you is totally off base.

I say pretend nothing happened and continue to deal with J as you always have.

Submitted on Sunday, December 23, 2007
By Kalissa, 23, from Milwaukee, WI:

What do you suppose it means if a guy seems very much into a girl as more than a friend for a while (3-4 months of dating casually while free to date other people, very flirty, compliments me, talking for hours on Instant Message, etc..) ..And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, he starts to distance himself? I have'nt heard from him in about a week (we usually facebook each other at least daily), stops going on instant message, takes longer than usual to respond to things on facebook, etc. Obviously, it appears he has lost interest...but what exactly causes a guy to lose interest so ABRUPTLY when everything seemed to be going so well...? Circumstancially, nothing has changed on my end or his that I know of.........No arguments/issues that would have turned him off either...So I have no clue whats going on. Kinda bummed though. I texted him today, and was like "Hey there stranger...Where've you been hiding this past week?" And I just wished him happy holidays. He texted back about 20 minutes later, just saying he's been "running around a lot lately, but we'll catch up again soon. Have fun with your friends tonight!" Which is fine and dandy and maybe true...but it feels like he's just being polite, and he didnt mention a date to hang out or anything. I feel like if he really wanted to see me, he would be specific and say something like "are you busy next saturday? I'd love to see you." Not just "we'll catch up soon." Especially since he knows that I am on a break from work for a few weeks, so it would be a great opportunity to get together.

Also, where are some places a girl could consider hanging out if she wants to meet new guys? I am a bit shy, so prefer not to meet guys at a bar if I can help it...I have considered joining Lifetime Fitness as I have heard it is a great social environment for people in my age range, but any other ideas would be helpful. I am trying not to pin all my hopes on this one guy...But like I said I am somewhat shy...To top it off, I work in a pretty female oriented career, so I do not meet guys at work. I have MANY female friends, but have never had many male friends to hang out with. This is probably why I have developed almost a dependancy with the guy I was talking about above. It's bad though, I realize it is not wise to depend on one guy just bc he seems to be the easiest option at the moment. When I do go to bars, I get hit on A LOT and am told that I am gorgeous, have a great body, etc. I have even done a lot of modeling. So I guess I would say that I am pretty attractive. It is just that in the past I have been intimidated by guys due to some trust issues I have. However, I have recently become VERY social and have really grown a lot personally...I feel I am a good catch if I could just meet the right guy!

VictorM's advice:

Guys can lose interest on a girl overnight, for no apparent reason. What happens is guys are very motivated by challenge and seduction. The process of meeting a girl and sweeping her off her feet can bring a guy a natural high, something akin to a drug. And so talking to her, seeing her, and otherwise engaging in the conquest (flirting, compliments, etc.) is very fulfilling. At some point, once he feels confident of his success, or another new girl begging to be sweep off her feet comes along, the drug-like high for the first girl dries out, suddenly. Being with her is nowhere as much fun as it was before. So... guys become "busy" and vague. He won't cut you off entirely because a lot of guys don't understand the process I just described. They think their lack of interest is just a phase, or as is the case most of the times, they can't verbalize why they lost interest because frankly, they just don't know since there's nothing specific to explain their lack of interest.

As to where you can go to meet men, I suggest you join activities that you really enjoy and where men are abundant. This way, even if you don't meet someone you like, at least your time was not a wasted. For example, if you like movies, join a movie club. If you like bike riding, join a bike-riding group. If you like art, go to museums. If you like athletic types, volunteer to help out at the local runners' club. Anyway, I hope you get the idea. This way you can meet men who share your interest over a longer period of time, giving you more opportunities to weed out undesirables.

Also, since you know a lot of women, don't be afraid to mention to some that you'd like to meet men (be specific about the kind of men you're interested). There's a good chance that the men you get introduced to are men these women know. It's no guarantee that they won't be losers or jerks, but your odds are better than with total strangers.

Submitted on Sunday, December 23, 2007
By Megan, 23, from Illinois:

I dated a friend for a few months about 2 years ago. I still never really got over him and I feel like our relationship was never given an honest chance. He is now dating another girl he met in college. A few nights ago, I was out with some friends from high school and I brought two of his best friends, who are also my friends. My ex called them to see what they were up to and they told him he was out with me. After they hung up with him I asked if he was coming out and they said no because he does not want to bring the girl friend around me. I then proceded to talk to them about why and of course they didn't give me a clear answer. So I never really got an answer out of them. They also proceded to tell me that they think she is ok and that he is stuck with her because he won't go out and find anyone else. They both said they didn't understand why he broke up with me in the first place and he didn't really have a good reason either. My ex also told them that he didn't know why he broke up with me. I'm just not sure what to do. I always catch him looking at me and he always looks out for my well-being in all situations. Maybe I'm over thinking this, but I just wish I knew if he still had feelings at all or if I should just let it go and move on with my life. I feel like there is something there, but then again, I might just be acting like a crazy girl.

VictorM's advice:

In a situation like this, the "crazy" is redundant.

Just kidding.

You two were good friends, he likes you, wants what's best for you, but he felt no passion for you. Then why can't he say why he broke-up with you? Partly because you probably have many good qualities and he can't fault you on anything specific, partly because he can't say you don't do it for him romantically because he knows that would hurt your feelings. He cares a lot for you, he's just not in love with you.

Go on with your life because he's simply not into you. Consider this: he's with a girl that's just OK and yet he won't give you another try. There's a reason for that.

By Katie, 14, from Texas:

OK, this guy Kaleb that I used to like a lot never really seemed to notice me much. Then as soon as I got to know him more I started goin out with this guy Christian. I think he (Kaleb) may have liked me since one day he asked me who I was goin out with and I answered Christian and he didn't reply he just shook his head up and down. Well that all happend about a month ago, and Christian and I broke up. We don't talk very much. He almost never talkes to me outside of math. Then on Friday I was sittin on the floor in math (we were watchin a movie) and he was sittin next to me but in a chair. Then all of a sudden he put his chair away and sat like RIGHT next to me. He was like a foot and a half away from me. He sked me if the guy in the movie fell in love with the women and I laughed and said yeah. Then he just looked at me for a second. Then he kinda leaned back a little and put his hand right next to mine. He kept like laying down and sitting up. Then he asked me if i was still goin out with christian so i said no we broke up a while ago. then he kinda half smiled and shook his head up and down. We sat there and watched the movie for a couple of minutes and then he looked at me and asked if the man was tryin to hit on the tour lady and without looking i laughed and said yeah. I could see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me for about maybe what seemed like six seconds. Then the people that were on the floor with us went to go play checkers so we were the only ones on the floor. When the teacher said it was time to get our books ready Kaleb went to go get his (I already had mine) but instead of staying in his seat he came back and say RIGHT next to me again. The conflict here is that about two weeks ago he asked out my best friend (Alyssa). She said no. But about three weeks ago my kinda friend Ashley really liked him. Then she went out with this guy Ethan but he broke up with her when he found out Ashley still had feelings for Kaleb. Kaleb would always be at Ashleys locker and Ashley would always be waiting for him outside the band hall. I really like him also. So the question is who does he like??? please help


VictorM's advice:

This question sounds like a riddle: A bus leaves the station with 4 people. At the next stop, 6 people get in and 1 leaves. At the next stop, 3 people get in, and 2 leave... Now, what color are the bus driver's eyes?

Kaleb likes you all. He's a horny little toad who just recently discovered what magnificent creatures girls are. But I'd say right now he's got his sights set on you. Alyssa is so yesterday's news, Ashley was 2 weeks ago news, and you're the hottie right now.

Submitted on Friday, December 21, 2007
By zoe, 21, from los angeles:

My boyfriend and I are in a committed and loving relationship, and have been for about a year and a half. We have been together and in love since the night we met, and the very next day we moved in together. He has the kindest heart, the most beautiful and creative soul, the most brilliant mind, and he is the most gorgeous Herculean piece of ass to have ever walked this earth. We have never had a fight or raised our voices at each other, though this issue i am about to tell you about has brought many tears.

We are and always have been open to inviting girls into our bedroom, however my boyfriend has had a nagging worry that seems only to be getting stronger. He feels that because I am bisexual, there is "a special set of feelings and attractions reserved for someone of the same sex", that he "will never have access to or be the recipient of". He feels that while I "have the capacity to be ALL and fulfill all" for him, but that he "simply can not do the same for me in return".

Despite his worries, in my heart I truly feel that for the long-term, I could never be fulfilled with just a girl. I feel like I would long for that power-exchange, that feeling of belonging to my Love, that polarized masculine/feminine balance, (the feeling I get as a submissive when I kneel down to kiss his feet)... However, my Love does not seem to understand that. He worries that somewhere in the corners of my head, I will always be longing for a girl.

What confuses my Love is that I get depthless, silly little schoolgirl-type crushes on girls all the time, and this worries him. I feel that though girls are lovely and sweet they just wouldn't make me feel the ways a boy does, and that I need what a boy offers more. Needless to say we are being monogamous until this is cleared.

So, what can we do to make him see and trust that he fulfills me in every way, that a girl just wouldn't cut it? We have discussed it endlessly, but his worries won't budge... we are out of ideas.

Thank You So Much!

--zoe

VictorM's advice:

Before I address the issue as you stated it, I would like you to consider this possibility: your submissive behavior and your threesomes contradict his upbringing and his deep rooted set of values and beliefs. Oh, they were perfectly fine earlier on when it was mostly fun but as you two become more serious, he's questioning if you have the "mom" qualities, that is, the sense of decency he expects of the mother of his children. While your submissiveness and threesomes are perfectly fine in satisfying his sexual wants, they contradict his emotional needs and core beliefs.

Zoe, are you willing to never be with another girl ever again? If so, say it and that should alleviate his concern, but if you're not, than your boyfriend is right in saying that he doesn't fulfill you in every way. So what? We all need and want things that just one other person can't fulfill. That's why we have close friends, buddies, families, lovers, etc. As long as you're not lying and cheating to get it, as long as he's part of the process and he enjoys it, what does it matter? Why not admit that girls do fulfill a small part of your wants and needs and try to live happily ever after?

I'll tell you why it may not: because I don't believe his stated worries and that your admission would solve anything. I don't mean to say he's lying; I think he just doesn't understand the source of his concerns. Based on his experiences with you he should know that your crushes and sexual attraction to certain girls is natural and as you go from girl to girl it should pacify his mind, yet, it doesn't. That seems to contradict common sense, which is why I believe that my first paragraph deserves attention from you both.

Submitted on Thursday, December 20, 2007
By Maureen, 34, from Georgia:

This guy will not quit asking me out. We went out for a beer once because he had asked so many times, but after that I felt confirmed in my suspicion that he would not be a suitable match for me. Now, no matter what I say he comes up with another 'well what about this' scenario. I've even told him I am seeing someone else, which I AM. I can't avoid him because he comes into my work every day, where I can't hide from anyone because it's a tiny cafe with open kitchen. After turning him down 6 times yesterday, he showed up 10 minutes before we opened today to wait outside, then eat, then say "Well since you're so busy maybe I could bring in some beers on Saturday and we can hang out if you guys aren't real busy." I said no way, I own this business and that's completely unprofessional and also that it's my JOB. Just because I'm out in the open and not in an office all day does not mean it's all social hour. He just looked blank like he hadn't heard and said he'd be in over the weekend to see me. Anyway it's starting to freak me out. I haven't really been that nice to him but is there a nicer thing to do other than screaming "Leave me alone you damn creep!!!" ? It's like he's begging me to do that. This previously nice guy is freaking me the hell out now.

VictorM's advice:

Some people you just can't be nice to, and some just don't get clues, but you might want to hold back on the "damn creep" part. :)

I'm not quite sure how to stop this guy. These persistent creeps don't operate on the same rational plain that most of us do. If you were in New Jersey it would be easier: you'd get a couple of friends to tell him that if he asked you out again they'd break his knees.

But seriously, you have to consider that what would work for you (for example: "I have a boyfriend") does not work for him and so you may have to do or say something that you consider "not nice". Something like:

(Being direct and short) Pulling him aside and saying: "Look, you asking him out for this or that is becoming a big problem and causing me great grief. You must stop asking me out."

(Out-persistent him) "No!" (No matter what he asks, the answer is a short and assertive "No" with no explanations. And if he asks you to explain why? The answer is... No!

(Male figure) Depending on his views about females he may need a guy to tell him "no." Maybe one of your male coworkers can say to him: "She said no already. Quit asking her."

I'm sorry I can't give you better ideas. I don't know if any of these is any good. There may be other approaches you want to consider, but my point is that whatever you do, you have to step outside what you would consider "normal behavior" and do something harsher.

Submitted on Thursday, December 20, 2007
By WhoCares, 18, from Cinderella's castle:

18 years of my life, and I've never been asked out on a real date! Guys tell me that I'm pretty and that they'd like someone like me for a girlfriend. I am probably a little harder to get than most other girls, but no one has even tried, so how would they know, right? So, yeah, how come no guy asks me out if several of them told me and their mates that they like me? What's stopping them?

VictorM's advice:

This is what's stopping them: "I am probably a little harder to get than most other girls." Most guys hate rejection. Why take a chance on a girl they perceive is going to turn them down?

You have to soften your stance. Don't be afraid to date mister-less-than-perfect (what I call throw-away dates). Be seen saying "Yes" to someone and the dating floodgates will open up for you.

Submitted on Thursday, December 20, 2007
By Alexandra, 14, from Hermitage,TN:

I have been dating a guy in my school for a year now but he's not in any of my classes and he is very shy. There have been rumors around the school that he is cheating and lying to me. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!! We also haven't kissed yet, and I really want to. How do I approach him about these things?

-Alexandra

VictorM's advice:

Don't believe the rumors unless you have some concrete suspicion. Trust your instincts.

Next time you are alone with him, get close to him and say: "Kiss me".

Yeah, it's that simple. It's a fun way to to do it and very empowering. Try it.

Submitted on Thursday, December 20, 2007
By Kellie, 31, from Michigan:

Hello,

I have a question for you. I met a guy about one month ago on Yahoo, who happens to live a couple of states away. Very nice, good-looking guy, great job, great sense of humor, adventurous, wonderful smile, & he even happens to be same nationality as I (Irish:). He has told me all about his upbringing & family life, siblings, where he grew up at, told me all about his current location and the touristy things to do there, etc. He has shared his hobbies, zest for life, etc. etc. (All on Yahoo). Sounds so great, of course, I would love to meet him. And he did mention coming to see him once or twice. Well, everything I said all took place in the first couple of weeks. NOW, all I get are daily texts (has only called me only one time). He texts to say 'good morning' or 'how is your day going?' or something basic like that. Other than that, he religiously texts me before he goes to bed and mentions something about his work day or he had a hard day and wishes I was there to hug him. Or just says, 'I am going to bed now, baby'.
I have learned my lesson about chasing guys, so I never iniate contact with him, but only respond after hearing from him first.

I am afraid to get my hopes up about the situation due to the nature of how we met and also because of the long distance situation. This guy seems like such a great catch and a wonderful person, but since he only 'texts me' daily (never calls), I just wonder if they guy even really likes me or just feels that I am one of his buddies? Please help! I am confused!

VictorM's advice:

I see your hopes are already too high. Women are suckers for the "great catch". I don't know if this guy is it or not, but I do know that it is much easier to appear so online than in person.

The guy has told you a lot about himself. It's only natural that after a while he's running out of things to say. But if you can't maintain a conversation going on just about any topic under the sun, maybe he's not as great a catch as you think. Guys are notorious for coming on like gangbusters when they first meet a woman and then cooling off rather quickly. I think that's more likely what's happening here.

He mentioned about you going to see him? Bad idea!!! Do NOT go and see him. If you're going to meet him, do so in your territory, take him to places you know. Getting your hopes high is bad, but being careless is far worse.

Submitted on Thursday, December 20, 2007
By Rachael, 18, from Australia:

I've been with my boyfriend nearly a year and he makes me feel like no other guy ever has - he doesn't like "skinny" girls and says he likes a bit of fat (not overweight, just what I have) - either that or muscle with big breasts. Thing is, I'm the only example I have seen of the former preference, and I definitely don't have big breasts (he says "at least they won't sag", but they're not exactly perky).

Also from a previous relationship I have insecurites - he cheated on me but never admitted it and I never had any proof. I am over him, but the contrast between the men leaves me unsure - this guy seems too good to be true, is he lying?

Because I am his first physical relationship I think I'm stopping him experiencing life. I'm too selfish to end it. I am incredibly scared as to the pain when our relationship does end (we started dating at 17, it seems inevitable even with no problems at present).

VictorM's advice:

You only doubt him because you read too many girly magazines. They are the ones that push the skinny crap on you girls. We guys don't pay attention to it. Most of us have much more liberal tastes when it comes to weight (and breasts). So, believe him!

And don't worry about him. He's having a great time enjoying a girl who is selfish in the way that you are. That's because guys like to feel wanted.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 19, 2007
By Fairy, 18, from Anonymous:

How can you tell when a guy is settling down? I mean besides the way he talks?

VictorM's answer:

Stand in front of him and look down. Do you see a bulge?

No, don't look that far down. Look about 6 inches higher. Is he putting on weight? If so, he's ready to settle down. If not, feed him well!

By Kandace, 35, from OH:

Hello again Victor and Happy Holidays to you!

About my guy that you thought 'would disappear eventually', well----quite SOON after I wrote to you, he told me 'good-bye' and I could not believe it--not so quickly after admitting to all the 'feelings' for me. And soon after the big 'good-bye', he admitted meeting someone and going on one date with her. I was horrified and outraged. I got jealous and acted desperate to try to get him to come back to me (I know NOT good). Keep in mind, I never said anything negative about this girl. Yes, I did the desperate, drunken phone calls, (I know terrible and pathetic) in which I stated that I knew he still cared for me. I then realized I need to stop that crap and be mature and not act crazy and desperate, so I gave him some space and did not contact him for awhile. Eventually, I told him that I accepted the good-bye and apologized for my outrageous behavior. I told him I had never acted like that before and I had been unable to handle his sudden rejection of me and was sorry for the way I had acted. I have since asked for forgiveness and he came right out and said that thus far, he has not forgiven me. I then sent an email, apologized again and proceeded to tell him that I had the highest regard for him and told him how much I admired him (for his line of work). I also stated how sorry I was and that I just wish to be forgiven. He called once and did not leave a message, and other than that I have not heard from him (it's been almost 2 weeks). Unfortunately, I still care a lot about for him, which is the hardest part. I feel I have done what I could do and just need to move forward even if it is without his forgiveness. Please share your wisdom on this situation.

Thank you, Victor!

Kandy

VictorM's advice:

Thank you and Happy Holidays to you too.

Forgiveness is something you give yourself, not something you get from others, otherwise, you'd be mortgaging your well-being to assholes, jerks, and any other creep who brought about the worst in you. Seriously, when's the last time you flipped out because someone was considerate with you?

Forget getting his forgiveness. Do you really think he's there worried about telling you about his feelings one day and walking away the next? Not if he's a smart guy.

Shit happens. He had feelings for you at one time, then realized he didn't. So he moved on. You went nutty and did some stupid stuff. Oh well, shit happens. You realized it, composed yourself, and in the long run, you're a better person for it. Now complete the process: forgive yourself and move on. Have some eggnog, stand under a mistletoe, and remember that everything happens for a reason.

Having met this man and having him walk away was the best thing that happened to you. You and I don't yet know why this is so, but I assure you that you will find out.

Stop looking back. It's going to be a great 2008! Focus on that.

By Chris Dempsey, 20, from Cali:

Dear Real Guy,

For about a year now, I've had feelings for one of my female friends at college. I'm a mostly average-looking Catholic white guy (with maybe an above-average sized nose). She's what most people would call an average-looking Chinese girl, but she has acquired a reputation for being loud, violent, and tomboyish. I guess this puts most people off to her, but I find it oddly endearing. The only problem is she's had a steady boyfriend for well over a year now. So, I've been trying to be good friends with her until she becomes available. I let her play my video game system, we often cook together on the weekends, and I'll give her a ride in my car anywhere she wants to go. But, every time her boyfriend shows up, things just get really awkward, and all I can do is hide in the corner and look sad. I know they're having sex regularly (this is obvious). I think she has probably picked up on the fact that I have romantic feelings for her, but she seems content with the way things are going and won't say anything. Do you think I have a chance with this? Is she using me for my money and my car? Is this just too pathetic? Help please.

VictorM's advice:

No one is using anyone. It seems like a fair deal: gets get some conveniences and you get the pleasure of her company.

I have no idea if you have a chance with her, but I know that the odds are better if you spend time with her than if you stop seeing her. So, continue to see her, to be nice to her, to treat her well. Stick with it. You might still win this race by a.. um... nose.

By Tina, 23, from saddle river, new jersey:

My friend constantly flirts with me.. a lot more when he drinks.. he constantly tells me that I am really cute.. and i have liked him for about a year now.. months ago when he was thinking his girlfriend was cheating on him he told his friend, who is my friend that he likes me... but at the time I was back together with my boyfriend.. this summer me and my boyfriend had a huge fight and broke up and me and the other boy got even closer.. and i started liking him even more... him and his girlfriend broke up .. and he started flirting with me more and by that time his friend told him how much I really liked him.. but he said it probably won't go any further than making out randomly one night... but anyways time passed the flirting kept going on and then he said he was moving away.. a few weeks later at a small get together... we ended up having sex... then after he avoided me all night and couldn't even look at me.. and then started talking about all the girls he wanted to sleep with before he left... he called me the next day and said he was sorry about taking advantage of me and that I deserve way better.. and I just told him that I was fine and not to worry about it cause I am a big girl... a while has gone by and he has moved away to live with some of our friends.. he tells me a lot that he misses me.. and recently he ask why I am mad at him and what he can do to get things back to normal... i donno what to say really.. I am not really mad.. just hurt... and I am not the type of girl who blabs on about her feelings to guys.. I mean yes I would love a relationship with this guy.. and if you think there is even the slightest interest let me know.. but how do I tell him he really hurt me without being the unattractively sensitive girl???

VictorM's advice:

But... but.. (don't get offended)... but, you are sounding like the "unattractively sensitive girl."

He hurt you? How? Did he step on your toes? Slammed a sledgehammer on your knee? How exactly did he hurt you? Because he has sex with you (sex, which I assume, you were a willing participant in)? Because he's not in a relationship with you (even though he never promised you one)? I'm a guy. So I don't get this "hurt" thing. I wish you would explain exactly what is this "hurt" you speak of because to me is just sounds like the unattractive talk of a girl who didn't get what she wanted but never even tried.

And why did you tell him that "I was fine and not to worry about it cause I am a big girl" when you clearly are not fine and certainly aren't thinking like a big girl?

One of the reasons I ask for the age on the submit form is because sometimes it matters. I would address this differently if you were 14 years, but you're 23 already. Time to act like an adult.

I have no idea if he likes you enough to want a relationship with you, but: one, he can't know what you're thinking unless you tell him yourself; two, there's only one way to find out how he feels about you -- talk to him about it.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 18, 2007
By Sophie, 25, from Arizona:

I've been dating (non-excusively) this guy for about 5 months now...all seemed good, but...the other day, I wrote on his facebook wall telling him I will be getting a two week break off from work soon (after this Friday). I sort of figured he would write back saying, "Let's hang out." But he hasn't. That was 2 days ago. He wrote on my wall but didn't suggest going out. Last I saw him was about 10 days ago. Also about 5 days ago, (so before the facebook message) I was instant messaging him and mentioned something we should check out soon. He didn't respond right away, so I typed "..........". He was like "Yes, we should! Like soon...Like soon soon!" But he hasn't followed through. What do you think? Should I just wait for him to bring it up on his own?

VictorM's advice:

You're not seeing each other exclusively. It's possible he has other plans, no? After all, as far as you know, you may not be the only one he's dating.

You shouldn't expect to the only person he the world he sets time aside for. Besides other dates, there's family, friends, and time for himself. Just because you're free doesn't mean he is.

If you want to see a guy don't be vague and use words like "soon". Make sure to specify a date, time, and place. But on the other hand, if he's not making much of an effort to see you, don't ignore that sign. You're better off spending your energies on a guy who wants to spends his energies on you.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 18, 2007
By Kailyn, 13, from Minnesota:

OK, so this isn't a relationship question, but my friend and I could NOT figure this out, so maybe an opinion from a guy would help. In the last year, a lot of guys in my grade have started grabbing their crotches, in public! It's gross and weird and I don't get why. I've heard it's called "rearranging" or something like that. It would be great if you could tell my WHY they do this, cuz it looks ridiculous and gross.

VictorM's answer:

Basically, the penis and the testicles hang down. Generally, a certain boy will like it hanging to the left or to the right of the underwear/pants. But the little suckers move around, and depending on what the boy is wearing, it might slip to the other side. It's kinda distracting for the boy, so he feels the need to "rearrange" them, that is, slide them back to his preferred side.

But that's not the only reason. See, boys around your age are starting to discover that between their legs they have a magic wand. It doesn't perform miracles or make things disappear of reappear, but it makes them feel pretty nice. And it would be a shame to lose that great tool. So boys check them often to make sure they're still there . (Yeah, I'm partly joking here).

But why do you find it ridiculous and gross? It's a gesture that's too common by many boys. Picking on that is almost as silly as picking on humans for blinking or blowing their nose. It's all part of human nature. Sure, manners suggest that we should be discreet, but so they dictate that bras and panties should not shown. Yet, it is part of being young to flaunt the "rules" and be somewhat of a rebel.

Oh, and one final thing, just to get your little mind going... see, the penis has a mind of it's own; sometimes the boys get an erection and they have to hide it or enjoy it, so sometimes they are only pretending to be "rearranging" things down there. I just wanted to leave you with that thought. ;)

Sometimes, I get drunk and and call him. But when I call, I tell him things like he's amazing and he's hot and that he's good in bed. He's asked me a couple times when I'm drunk about whether or not I want a relationship and I may be drunk but I know what I'm saying and I've always said that it would be great to go out with him if I had the time but we're just not looking for that.

So the other week he called me over just to "having fun" aka have sex. I said yes just call me when you get home. He called me and said that he had been doing some thinking on the drive home and realized that I'm more into the relationship than he is and that I'm too into the relationship. So we talked and he was just saying that he can't turn off the feeling that I want something more and I told him that I don't want anything more. He said that it's best that we just end it.

He walked me home and he said "I just feel that we need a break. Let's see what happens during winter break. And I'll call you."

So everyone keeps telling me to not contact him at all during this one month winter break from school, and that by the time I get back, he's going to miss me and want me back.

Is that true? Or is it really done? If there's a chance to save it, what can I do?

VictorM's advice:



I'm not sure what you want to save since you don't want a relationship. I assume you mean you want him to keep having sex with you. Well, if sex is all he wants from you, I wouldn't be surprised if at some point he'll be horny enough and give you a call. But I'm afraid "everyone" is wrong about him missing you in any form of meaningful way.

Maybe he got the impression that you were getting too attached or maybe he's just making an excuse to bail out of the arrangement. Either way, I don't think he has had anything with you that he will miss. If he's a smart boy he has recognized that a promiscuous girl who drinks heavily is fun only for a limited period of time.

Submitted on Sunday, December 16, 2007
By Shannon, 14, from Queensland:

I'm in love with my sister's really good guy mate. He's 2 or three years older than me but I'm completely comfortable with that. We talk and stuff but only occasionally at parties and sometimes on the phone for a minute. He has a girlfriend and they're constantly breaking up and then getting back together. I don't know how to tell him that I love him because he might freak out because I'm younger and we're kinda mates. Also he has a bit of a good rep so do you think it would affect it if people knew about me liking him or something? Should I say something about it to him? And if so how do I say it? Also how do guys feel about younger girls liking them?

Please help me I'm miserable.

VictorM's advice:

You should NOT tell him, but not because of the age difference. Guys who are told that a girl likes them before they have had a chance to to develop feelings for her are more likely to either run away or use is against her. You're better off trying to spend some more time with him, talk a little longer on the phone, and in general make sure that he notices you more and spends more getting to know you. I don't think his rep would get hurt but no one else needs to know anyway.

Find out topics he's very passionate about and bring those up in conversation. The longer he talks to you, the better. And don't be afraid to pay him some simple compliments about things like a shirt, a haircut, his wit, etc.

Guys in his age group are generally more inclined to go for older girls, but hey, you won't always stay 14, right? :)

Submitted on Sunday, December 16, 2007
By anonymous, 17, from NJ:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. We don't have any problems except for one - his ex. Ever since we started dating, I didn't think much of the relationship but the first time he told me he was going to dinner with her I told him I wouldn't be played for a fool. He ended up not going and I went out with my friends. Ever since then there have been incidents where she texts him in front of me. I started arguing with him, and he claims they are just friends. My whole life I believed an Ex bf/gf can't be that good of friends unless none of them still has feelings. One of my friends hooked up with her about a year ago. He said the only reason they didn't continue hooking up was because "she doesn't talk with guys, she flirts to the point where it's annoying." He said she kept trying to grab his goods and he's usually not the type to turn it down, but he said it was too much. My boyfriend and I have gotten into some big fights because of her. He said he will not stop talking to her because he is good friends with her and that I should trust him. I do, I just don't trust her. That's what I tell him. She also tried to add me a couple of times on facebook, and I'm really fed up. I'm not intimidated by her, I'm really annoyed. I don't want them talking because it makes me look dumb, and my ego is bruised because she thinks she's getting away with it. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

I always argue that exes should stay civil and friendly with each other at best, but not remain good friends. Although your reasons for not wanting him to talk to her reveal more about your insecurities than anything else, he nevertheless should take that into account. Any boyfriend who argues with the current girlfriend over the ex, and refuses to accommodate his girlfriend's feelings, leaves a lot of room for suspicion. His inability to let go of her is troubling. It certainly puts into question is commitment to you and yes, he's allowing her to boast at your expense. Not cool of him!

In this case, the issue is not trust, it's respect and commitment. He's choosing to hurt your feelings and put into question how much he's committed to your relationship. Why would a legitimate boyfriend ever want to do that to her girlfriend he loves? He wouldn't.

If he wants to stand on principle, he's taking the wrong side. The right thing to do would be to tell her that you come first and he's not going to allow her to cause friction in your relationship instead of arguing with you over his friendship with her.

What you're asking for is not unreasonable. Frankly, you shouldn't even have to ask him; he should do it on his own. If he doesn't understand that, then I have to correct the title of this question; your problem is not the ex, it's him!

By shanice, 21, from philadelphia,pa:

What if you found an all girls porno magazine underneath your girlfriend's bed, and she told you it's not hers? What would you do? Would you brake up with her because you think she's gay or what?

VictorM's advice:

I wouldn't. I'd just ask if I could watch.

Just kidding. ;)

Unless I had other reasons to believe she's lying, I'd believe her that the magazine isn't hers, however, that still doesn't answer how it got there and if she looked through it. If it's not hers, did she borrow it?

In any case, many heterosexual and bisexual women find the female form very sexy and a sexual turn on. That's not limited to lesbian women only. Assuming that she's a lesbian because she might have looked at, or been turned on by, a women's sex magazine is sheer ignorance.

But if the details were important to me, I'd try to ascertain how the magazine got there and if it has any bearing on her sexual orientation. Then I'd act depending on how the information plays against my belief system and my feelings for her.

So Shanice, how did that magazine get under your bed? ;)

Submitted on Sunday, December 16, 2007
By Katie, 15, from United States:

Okay so there is this guy who I think I might be in love with...

Our parents went to high school together so we've known each other all our lives, but for a period of like 5 years we (my mom and I) never went to go see them. Then (this was almost 3 years ago) we did and me and "bob" sort of remeet. And then like 2 months after that he called me. We talked and we started to like each other. We went out and we broke up. But ever since then he hasn't really talked to me. It wasn't a bad break up or anything.

My mom and I will go to his house every once in a while and he won't say a word to me and then when everyone's sleeping we will stay up in the living room and do stuff, like makeout. This has only happended like 4 times. But then in the morning he doesn't talk to me. And sometimes he will call or text and we will talk. Seems like he wants to be friends, but then he won't talk to me again for at least like another 3 months or so.

I just need to know if he is at all interested, or what is going on with him...

thanks <333

VictorM's advice:

The infrequency of his contact is a good indication that he's not interested. Oh, he likes the make out sessions, and from time to time, it crosses his mind and he figures he better not lose all contact with you just in case you go back to his house so he can enjoy the make out part. But there is no indication he likes you for anything other than that.

Submitted on Sunday, December 16, 2007
By Shawna, 27, from Philadelphia:

I've been talking to this guy for two months. We spent some time together, talked on the phone and left each other texts. Now things are different, he stands me up when we're suppose to do things or go out. And when I confront him about it, he apologizes and says he be tired from working so much. The other thing is, he has two children who he loves spending time with. So when he's not working, he's with the children. I GETS NO TIME!! I feel like a stalker and a begger at times when I ask for his time or when I call him. He says I NEED to be patient and that he will make time for me soon. What should I do? I do care for him a lot and love that he active in his children's life but what about me?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds to me like he has his priorities straight. If you have problems with a hard working man who loves his children toss him out. I'm sure there's many women who would love to be in your shoes. But there's nothing wrong with feeling that you want a man who has more time for you. If he doesn't suit you, there are many men out there who would give you more time. The thing is, you will be hard pressed to find a man that is all things to you and to everyone else important to him at the same time. You're looking for some balance. If he can't deliver that, well, you have a choice to make.

No matter how busy he is there is no excuse for standing you up. If he's too busy he should not make specific dates, or at least cancel with plenty of notice. What he does is irresponsible and disrespectful to you. Confronting him about it won't help because you get him in a defensive mode rather than an understanding one. You need to explain why he can't do it again, what it means to you when he does it, and that at a minimum you deserve his respect. If he does it again and you still continue to see him, you're giving him a seal of approval of his behavior, despite your words.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By s., 38, from united states:

I went out with a guy for 3 months. We hit it off beautifully. We had fun, there was romance, but then he suddenly stopped returning my calls. I finally asked what was going on with him and after 2 weeks of avoiding the talk he came around. We hung out and had dinner and it felt really comfortable and great. We talked and he said that he really liked me and that I was a wonderful person, but that he just didn't feel like he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said he wasn't afraid of commitment but he didn't think he wanted a relationship with anyone. I told him that he made me so happy, that I was just amazed that we met at all and that I would remember the great times we had but that I know what I'm worth and what I deserve and that I wouldn't settle for being with someone if they weren't really into me. He looked shocked and when he left gave me two huge hugs and said there was so much more that he wanted to give me and that he hoped he would talk to me very soon. I feel like I needed to stand up for what I really want and I don't think it was a mistake in this case to talk about this in such a short time. He looked really sad and confused when he left my house and said he didn't know how to behave at that moment.

My friend at work said that he thinks my guy might regret not stepping up and that he thinks he might come back around simply because I was strong and didn't freak out on him. I really like this guy, enough to let him go if it makes him happy (and I told him so), but I wish I knew if there was a chance with him after he has time to think about it all. What do you think? I just know I'm going to miss him a lot.

VictorM's advice:

Is there a chance? Yes, but I would not hold my breath.

It is possible that your emphatic statement that you like him and the maturity with which you handled the news will make you more appealing to him. You were very calm and rational. But the problem is that attraction does not rely on rational thinking. Many times we wish we could be attracted to certain people because they have so many good qualities, but for unknown reasons, they don't spark any passion in us. If this guy is not into you, he's not coming back. There's not much you can do about that.

Either way, regardless of whatever happens, you should always feel proud of yourself for that conversation. Small reward right now, I know, but in time you'll appreciate it.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By Sarah, 18, from Canada:

My friend and I have been contacting each other via e-mail for a year, the last two years have been turbulent for him because every girlfriend he ever had up to his age (17), a total of four, broke his heart in some way. I'm a year older than him, I don't mind his company at all, especially after he asked me out to the movies. I was cool with that, but he didn't seem comfortable, I began to suspect he thought I agreed to go on a date with him. I simply told him,"It's all in your head." Then I paid for my share of food and movie tickets, he wore sunglasses in the evening and said that after the movie he felt like hugging me because it would feel right to him. But when I asked him why it would he said he didn't want me to be like OMG! He's weird. He keeps leaning away from me like he's scared of me and doesn't look at me directly eye-to-eye. And he suggested we play pool and he said: "Hustle me." I don't know what that means, can somebody explain what "hustle me" means?

VictorM's advice:

Hustling is a common expression for people who play billiards for money. The 1961 movie "The Hustler", starring Paul Newman, was all about pool playing and it made that expression popular in pool halls (it probably already, I'm not sure).

Anyway, if you're thinking the expression has a hidden meaning, you'd be wrong. He was just trying to be cool and funny. The comment has no relationship to you.

By Confused, 24, from New York:

I've been seeing an older man for the last two weeks. We've only been on 3 dates (that were 12hrs+ since they turned into overnight stays at his place). Things moved pretty fast for us, but seemed right.

He always called every 2 days. And, to make sure that I wasn't his booty call, I didn't call him, but only returned his calls. He even called me from his hotel room while on a road trip with his boys (who all made fun of him while he was on the phone with me).

When I last saw him on Monday morning, he said he'd call. I decided to call him anyway the next day to see if he wanted to grab coffee with me, but had to leave a message. He still hasn't called back. I text messaged him yesterday just to say hi, and asked him to call me, but still no reply.

This is a guy who talked about road trips we'd take together, movies to watch, places to go and eat, meals that we'd cook for each other...and who even blurted out "OMG I love you" while having sex one night (yes, I know this was 99% likely by accident!). I feel like we really connected - we clicked so naturally.

I don't want to try reaching out to him again, but I'm utterly confused. Why hasn't he called? What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Beware of guys who click so naturally, so intensely, and so quickly. The highs of the initial days can't last forever and the letdown can be quite a disappointment. This can happen rather suddenly and without cause. It happens with great frequency.

If and when you do talk to him, if he tells you he's too busy with work or has a family situation... it means he lost interest in you. He won't say it, but that's what his excuse means.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By Someone, 19, from Hell:

There's this boy, who I'll just refer to as J in this question. Well, anyways, I've liked him for about 2 years, knowing that he's exactly what I hate in a guy i.e a jerk, smokes, player, and conceited. But, for some reason, he dwells in my head for too much. Then, this year, I began to think he might just like me. But, boy was I wrong. Apparently, he asks my friend out and now they're kind of going steady, but more of an on and off thing. However, he knows I like him, and he did like me before. And there are times that I think he still likes me but because I'm so reserved and unwilling to go out with anyone, he decided to settle for something else, because like I said, he's a jerk. You know like if when coke is sold out when you really wanted to drink coke, but you'd settle for pepsi anyways, just because you want something to drink. Yeh, that's how I feel, because there are those times when I catch his eyes, or when he asks my best friend if I'm mad with what he did. Is it possible that he might just have feelings for me? He's driving me crazy and he knows it, but he keeps on doing it. What might be going through his thick mind?!

VictorM's advice:

I totally get you. I'd rather die than have Pepsi. Give me Coke or give me death.

Would be good if you two went out together so you can consummate your disdain for each other and go on with your lives without the other. But instead, you dwell in the fantasy world where you imagine that by the power of your love he redeems himself and becomes a model man; he, on the other hand, wishes to seduce you because you're a challenge.

"He's driving me crazy and he knows it." I'd say so far he's winning the war of the kids from Hell. He's under your skin and you're likely to cave in. Girls can be such suckers for the "wrong guy".

He keeps doing it because it's fun. It's that simple.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By Anonymous, 18, from Somewhere:

Why do guys that really like someone go for someone they don't really care about just because they don't want to give a little more effort to get with the person they really like?

VictorM's advice:

Sometimes you reach for what you can grab or what you feel can handle. Besides, if that person requires that much effort, she's probably a high maintenance pain in the ass. For many guys around your age "low-hanging fruit" does the trick.

Girls close their eyes and fantasize with their prince charming, the father of their children, the perfect lifetime lover; guys close their eyes and fantasize with boobies.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By sarah, 18, from australia:

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and lately it seems like he just wants to spend time with his mates. He says he loves me but it just seems he would rather be with them. I feel like he doesn't love me because if he did wouldn't he want to see me? We used to be together nearly every night and now I'm lucky to see him a couple of times a week. When we are together he is normal and is acting the same way he always does. What does this mean?

VictorM's advice:

It means things have come back to normalcy from the unnatural days of spending all your time together.

You're thinking that to love you he can only see you in his life. That's suffocating and unhealthy. Two people share a happier life together if they are happy when they are without the other. Balance in his life between his mates and you will make him a better boyfriend, provided you accept this idea and seek your own fun activities without him. Otherwise, you'll be unhappy, he'll be frustrated, and it will be just a matter of time before your relationship is history.

Next time he says he's going out with his mates, tell him to have a good time. Meanwhile, find something else to do so that you don't depend on him too much.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By Nathalie, 30, from New York, NY:

I have been hanging out in a social group since August - going out on weekends, etc. There is one guy I met when I had a party in August and he came with his girfriend. They left and he came back and stayed till 3am with 3 others. I didn't think anything more given I saw he had a girlfriend.

I end up hanging out in a group with him often till early morning on weekends (no girlfriend and he never mentions about her) and we shared a cab 2.5 months ago where he mentioned we should have brunch. I didn't respond as it was 3am and thought I misheard him.

There was a large group dinner since my party which is the only other time the girlfriend came and that was 2 months ago. She didn't like the food and didn't eat and then went home after while the rest of us went out till 3am again. She is a medical resident (1st year) and he is in investment banking (meaning neither is rarely free).

One weekend he started asking on my situation and I talked to him about my dating. I asked him back about him and he said his relationship has been on/off during this year and I asked if it was long-term and he said with a negative tone "we'll see".

About a month ago he asked me again while we were out that we should have brunch. Since I haven't seen the girlfriend in a while and he never mentions her and is always out without her, I am not sure if they are together, but I figured it is fine to go find out as brunch is harmless.

We had brunch on a weekend and it was about 2.5 hours - no mention of girlfriend. I decided I would bring it up if he brought up topic of dating general but didn't have a chance.

He asked me to brunch again (after many flirty messages) and we went last weekend. But at last minute said a friend called and lived near his place so if it is OK can he join us? I said sure but was irked that I still wouldn't find out about his relationship status. I figured nothing would come from me until I knew.

So last sunday, I texted him and asked if he was trying to set me up with his friend (giving me some context to bring up his status). He responded no way (guy is engaged) and is that what I want (a set up). . I then said oh no. Just curious if that was it, then I said "what happened to your lady?" He has not responded to me about that since Sunday.

In the meantime I understand he has been busy at work because a friend of his I helped with job search last week emailed both of us to meet up for drinks. He emailed on Monday and we are due for drinks on Sunday.

I feel he is not even really my friend - why didn't he respond to my question? What do you think is going on here?

VictorM's advice:

I wouldn't make too much of him not answering. A busy guy, with lots of friends, and a busy social life probably gets tons of messages and phone calls. I can see your question being overlooked or he simply forget to respond or even if he already responded or not.

See, to you that question is significant but to him it may totally trivial, just small talk-like. Besides, as you said, you're not even really his friend. The brunches were not only informal but he even brought along a buddy. Doesn't sound like he's willing to do anything more than being social, or maybe even satisfying some curiosity about you.

Well, today is Sunday. How did the drinks go? Any girlfriend talk? I'm curious. :)

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By Anna, 19, from Philippines:

Is it ethical for a girl to bluntly tell a guy friend that she LIKES him? Why or why not?

VictorM's advice:

It is ethical but it's unwise.

In too many cases guys will process your "confession" as a a request to be in a relationship, the type of commitment that by nature most guys shy away from until they are ready. You think the confession would bring you closer, but it most likely will have the opposite impact.

See, telling a guy that you like him gives him too much control. You really put yourself at the mercy of a guy whose feelings for you may not be at the same level as yours. The male ego takes over and he's bound to use that information to try his luck with other girls knowing that you're always a "sure thing", always there for him if and when he wants you.

Also, if nothing comes out of it, it most likely will negatively impact your friendship. It will be hard to act normal with each other, particularly if later either one of you gets a lover.

What about if he feels romantically the same way you do? In this case, you're better off encouraging him to make the first move. But telling him you like him out of the blue? Not wise.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By Kathleen Stofo, 24, from Virginia:

I think I like a friend of mine but it's the same old story - he has a girlfriend.

I know he definitely likes me as a friend but if we ended up sleeping the in the same bed and he hugged me all night, asked for the door to be shut to the room we were in, and stayed holding me all night, does that mean anything or was he just 'being a guy'? I'm confused.

VictorM's advice:

He's just being a guy.

As a girl you're looking for a connection between physical contact and romantic feelings. Guys really, really, really, do not process that action the same way you do. To him, you could just have been a friendly, cozy and warm body that night. Pleasant? Yes. Meaningful? Not necessarily.

I'm sure his girlfriend would have her own take on what happened that night, but that's another story.

Submitted on Friday, December 14, 2007
By Kat, 17, from WA!:

I have a fear of commitment, so I'm wondering how a guy sees a girl who has a fear of commitment. It's portrayed as really common with guys, while girls are supposed to be all for it. So yeah, how do guys deal with girls who are scared to be in a relationship when they like them? And even more, can you tell if they are?

VictorM's advice:

You are right, guys generally have a bigger fear than girls.

I think you'll find that if you tell a guy how you feel he'll be understanding.

By the way, "fear of commitment" is a misnomer. Most of us (guys, and "wiser" girls ;)) just like to be careful and make sure we know what we're getting into before getting in too deep. Your so called "fear of commitment" is really just a very useful personality trait that helps you refrain from making spontaneous romantic decisions that could turn into big mistakes.

Embrace your "mate selection cautiousness" as a good thing.

Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By apple, 30:

Hi, I have been out of town for almost one week. Last night, I stayed over at my boyfriend's place, and I discovered that there is one condom missing. I am sure it was supposed to be two new left in the box, but now only one and another got opened without the condom inside. I asked him where the condom is gone, and he said he didn't know. Do you think he cheated on me? I don't feel like he cheated on me, but he is the one that lives in that house. Please advise, what should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Studies of trial witnesses recollections have revealed that many times our memories are altered by a preconception, and those memories, even when false, can feel totally right to those doing the recollecting. It is entirely possible for you to be both 100% sure of what you recall and 100% wrong about what you recall.

Of course, it is also possible that you are right and that he cheated on you. But absent other reasons for suspicion, you really should give him the benefit of the doubt. Easier said than done, I know, but it would be a shame to ruin a relationship over faulty memory.

Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By Mariana, 22, from Argentina:

Getting tired of me? jeje Sorry I'll try to keep it short.

Things with my boyfriend are going really great, so great that I'm spending New Year's Eve with his family 500km away from my hometown and he’s coming tomorrow to meet my parents.
The problem is that I'm too influenced by my parents and they think I’m not handling my relationship well. Why? Because I go over his place a lot and I give excuses for him when we don’t’ go out (not enough money, or study is the way), they think I’m making it “too easy” for him.

Truth is when my dad first met my mom, he was so determined to be with her that he finally achieved it. During their relationship my dad used to pick my mom up from work everyday (60km away even when he had no car) and took her to places. And when he had no money for gas or to take her somewhere, he somehow managed to get it and my mom never knew about that. My dad is just like that: Whenever he wants or has to do something he works his ass off to get it.

Well… my boyfriend isn’t like that at all. He’s somewhat spoiled because his parents give him money weekly to take care of expenses here while he studies but has no idea of what saving is like. He spends it and then doesn’t know where the money went! (Generally the spending is on me). So it happened a few times (2 in 7 months) that we just drove around in my dad’s car on a Saturday night because of that.

Anyway… I know he loves me and deeply cares about me. His “flaws” are just a matter of growing up I guess and yes, I wish he learnt how to be more responsible, but that’s not an issue. My issue are my parents right now. They make me feel like I’m behaving like a girl with no values just because I go over his place often (mostly to hang out and watch some TV). I told them that I did that because my mom doesn’t want him in her house unless he’s “properly introduced” as my boyfriend and that I wouldn’t do that after dating for a couple of months.
I really don’t know how to stop caring about what they think and start taking care only of my relationship.

Thanks for the time and sorry for my constant appearance.

VictorM's advice:

Where would I be without regular "customers"? :) I'm glad you're sticking around.

Every generation thinks that they are better than the next one. That's why we have expressions like "the good old days" and "they don't make them like they used to." Clearly, that's utter nonsense. Your father climbed the tallest mountain and swam the deepest sea. Sure! Do you really think he's going to tell you how many times he screwed up and how many dumb things he did as a teenage boy? Of course not. Selective memory will take care of that. You know, it's possible that your father's parents didn't think he was so smart spending all his hard earned money on a girl who lived so far away. Who knows, to them maybe your father was irresponsible.

Look, your father did what he did because he had to! He was a product of his time. Your boyfriend's actions are different, but like your father, he's a product of his times. It's just that times have changed. It's just that simple. That's not to say that some people aren't more aggressive than others, but different people get what they want different ways, according to their personalities. Your father is a good guy, no doubt. Your boyfriend is one too. They are just different from each other.

Now, how to deal with your parents?

The first thing is to realize that they mean well. They want the best for you and that's why they speak up. The second thing to realize is your parents are seeing things through a world that doesn't reflect todays economy, sensibilities, and sexual freedoms. Your father didn't do anything more extraordinary than to live by the rules of his day. Those rules have changed.

This is how you deal with them. Sit down with them and say:

Mom and dad, I have been thinking about what you have been saying about my boyfriend and me, and I want to say that I see your point(1). I'm asking for you to help me(2) deal with this situation but in a way that does not cause serious problem between my boyfriend and me(3). I need you to give me ideas and suggestions(4) and then please allow me deal with him(5) giving me enough time to make necessary changes slowly rather than causing upheaval(6).

So, what have we got here?

(1) You "see their point", means you understand what they're saying, it doesn't mean you agree. In fact, make sure you don't say you "agree", unless you actually do agree. Use phrases like "I understand", "I know what you mean", "I see your point", "that's an interesting view", etc.

(2) The moment you say you seek their help, you stop the conversation from being confrontational and they become your team mates, your allies. Life will get easier in a hurry.

(3) You have accepted their help, which now allows for you to make a demand acceptable to them. Your demand is that you don't want to do anything that will ruin the relationship. This is something they will understand and accept. In reality, this will buy you time.

(4) Make them "walk the walk and talk the talk". Make them think of real helpful solutions rather than just mumbling things that are unrelated to today's world. Now you get to tell them: "um... I don't know if that's a good idea". They are on the defensive now because they have to come up with specifics.

(5) This is a very nice way of saying "I love you but... back off my life".

(6) You're being very responsible here, but in fact, this is yet another way of giving yourself more time.

This is a little gimmicky, but not deceitful. It's a technique that works in all walks of life to diffuse confrontation and encourage cooperation.

You really don't want to lie to your parents. I suggest that you somewhat discuss some of this with your boyfriend (go only into as much detail as you deem appropriate) so that if your mother asks if you talked to him, you can say: "we have started to talk about it" without lying to her. And hey, if they have good suggestions, great, maybe you can use them.

Taking this approach you are doing your parents a big favor because more than anything, they want the peace of mind of knowing that they did all they could for their daughter. Nothing will make then happier than knowing you're taking their advice. They'll pat themselves on the back that they raised their daughter right and they will sleep better for it. Don't you want them to sleep well? Of course you do. :)

So, how long can you drag out "talking" to your boyfriend about these things? Probably until you get married and have kids, if you play it just right.

Oh, and when you get to be your mother's age, you will rub in your kids' faces how wonderful their father was, how he had to overcome so much adversity to be with you, and how they don't understand how difficult life was in your day now that they can travel to London is 2 hours, fly their little hovermobiles to each other's houses, and have never heard of power cords and ethernet cables.

Oh, and Velez Sarsfield will still be looking for their first championship title since 2005. :-p

(Darn, this was a long answer) :)

By Linda, 42, from California:

I have been in a relationship with a man for over 2 years. We get along wonderfully, he is very affectionate and tells me he loves me several times a day, we live together. We do have one problem, his ex girlfriend is still in the picture.

He said he never plans to go back with her and he is the one that broke up with her. I did find past emails that he said he loved her but wasn't "in love" with her. However, she recently was placed in prison, he paid for her attorney fees, sent her money, she called our home and he forwarded her calls to his cell to ensure he didn't miss any of her calls, stating that she needed a friend, and now that she is out he still stays in contact with her. I am sure he still sends money to her. I'm at my witts end, if I talk to him about it, he becomes upset and shuts down. If he loves me so much why is she still in the picture?

VictorM's advice:

You have the answer: he loves her but is not in love with her.

Just because he felt she wasn't a good match, and by the sound of it, she has significant flaws, it doesn't mean he stopped caring for her. He cares enough to help her out. Is that so odd? I don't think so. His only "problem" is that he's a caring person who may be doing more harm enabling her flaws than he realizes, and a girlfriend thinking too selfishly to recognize that the reason he's a loving man who tells her often that he loves her is because of the same personality traits that makes him still want to help the ex-girlfriend: he's a kind and caring man.

He can't be the type of man who is an angel to you and at the same time turn his back on her. It's not in his personality. I just wish you'd realize how lucky you are to have him in your life.

A different topic should be whether what he does really helps her or just enables her flaws even more. He needs to learn about tough love and you can more easily help him see that if you're on his side instead of confronting him.

By Wondering, 58, from Los Angeles:

I've been using an online dating website to meet and date different men. My ultimate goal is a long term relationship, but for now I'm just having fun dating and keeping things casual. I'm getting some odd reactions from men when they realize that they're not the only man I'm dating, however. Since I haven't agreed to enter into a committed, monogamous relationship with any of them as yet, I don't understand the reaction. Can you shed some light on this behavior?

VictorM's advice:

I think that most people who join those services want to "get their money's worth" by dating several people within the membership period. Even if you joined a free service, it would still be reasonable to expect that you will make several dates at once with different men. That's the whole idea, isn't it? I think that most men understand that dating several people at once is part of the online dating game.

My guess is that you have something in your profile that is attracting a certain type of men. I'm not sure what that type would be, maybe old-fashioned or possessive? Something like that.

You may want to review your profile and remove or change anything that is attracting monogamous daters. Or maybe add something like what you said: "My ultimate goal is a long term relationship, but for now I'm just having fun dating and keeping things casual."

Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By Jacinta, 25, from Aust:

Hi I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. He is 21 & I am 25. We live 900 km’s away, but we speak everyday & we see each other on average once every 3 weeks. I go there because I have a complicated family situation which doesn’t allow him to stay at my house. So rather than waste money a accommodation we decide it’s easier if I go there. A little about him, his life is music. He eats & breathes it. I can’t explain the passion he has for it. He is in a band & is putting everything he has into it to ensure it works.

Anyway I have been very happy up until about the last month or so. It was my bday & his bday last month & we are 4 days apart. As we are live far away I find these things important for us to share. He agreed to come over to stay & we’d get accommodation but then recording for his band came up the weekend before & after my b’day & he said couldn’t make it because he had to be there for it. I understood that, even though I was disappointed. We sent each other b’day presents in the mail & made a big deal but all I wanted was him to be with me on my b’day. I felt let down.

I saw him the other week & we planned to spend New Years Eve (NYE) together. I brought it up last night & he said its not a good time for him as his mum is coming over from the country to stay then he’s getting a lift back with her to the country for Xmas & returning a couple of days before NYE. I said if he liked id come on the 30th or 31st so he could recover, but then he said if I came over for NYE was too much on his calendar because he feels everything is clouded & he cant think straight about what to do with his band because they’re not going very well at the moment. He said he feels overwhelmed & isn’t dealing with so much going on very well. He said he’s never been good with schedules, even when he was little he couldn’t cope & with so much on his plate at moment, it would consume him if I went over for NYE. He said he’s never been so close to someone as he has to me & when im there he forgets everything & he said he has been neglecting the band & its falling apart. I know its his life & if he fails at this he may feel like he has nothing. We agreed it would be easier to live in the same state, it would be great but I’m not ready for that yet. Then I suggested maybe he isn’t ready for a long distance relationship & he should focus on the band. He said he didn’t want to break up because he loves me & he loves seeing me but its too much for him at the moment. We spend all the hours he should be working talking to each other on msn & the phone, so we both agreed to give it some space, as in a phone call a night which is great but also not to make plans to see each other until everything has settled, which he said after NYE. I told him I was upset about NYE & not to put a time on it because I don’t want to get that time frame into my head then be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. In my mind, I need plans to keep the relationship alive & real to me. The thing is, when something else comes up like this, is he always going to react like this? I’m understanding & strong enough to stick around but at the same time I want him to be able to compromise & take my feelings into consideration too & maybe give it a go at juggling different stresses. Hell, we all have stresses we have to face…but he’s never had to until now. I don’t know what to do. We love each other so much & find it silly to break up but long distance is so hard. I am just finding it hard to swallow that he’s not willing to give NYE a try when he knows it means so much to me. Not just NYE, but it’s the principle of at least trying for me too. I wonder if this going to happen every time he has a stress. I guess I need to know, from your point of view, does he care about me enough for me to continue a relationship, or am I constantly going to feel disappointed? & I don’t want him think it's falling apart because he has spent too much time on me…that could lead to resentment. I don’t know what to do..just need some advice. Thanks

VictorM's advice:

Facts:

-- Your boyfriend has one passion above you -- his music.
-- Your boyfriend is not a planner and stresses easily when events get too crowded.
-- Your boyfriend has communicated these facts very clearly.
-- Your boyfriend loves you and does not want to break-up with you.
-- Your boyfriend is quite young still (this has nothing to do with age difference, just his age).
-- Your boyfriend has other family he needs to cater to (good for him for wanting to be with his mother -- something you would be wise to appreciate).

Is this the way it's always going to be? Well, he'll age and some of the intensity might change, but in general terms, he will most likely always be this way.

Let me twist something for you. Let's turn this: "I am just finding it hard to swallow that he’s not willing to give NYE a try when he knows it means so much to me" into this: "He's just finding it hard to swallow that I'm not willing to give NYE a rest when I know his family means so much to him and he needs to unwind when he gets back." Try that on for size. You are not the center of the universe.

I understand your frustration about him not seeing you when he comes back from visiting his family. But your guy doesn't handle stress very well. Don't turn this aspect of his personality into "signs that he doesn't love me". That's utter nonsense. His deep-rooted personality traits don't revolve around his feelings for you; they were there long before you came along. His stress may not be a walk in the park to live with, but recognizing what stress gets to him and how to avoid it can make it work.

Is it worth it? I can't say, but don't go expecting him to be someone he's not. Be realistic about your ability to play second fiddle to his music.

I get comments from women often that they say they don't want to pressure a guy, but, well, they do nothing but pressure him (from the guy's perspective). The concept of not pressuring is this: leave the guy alone!!! The female logic goes that "if I don't contact him he never contacts me." Wow! And why would anyone want to overlook that little clue about the guy?

Jacinta, LEAVE THE GUY ALONE. Let him contact you when he wants to. If he doesn't do it enough, well... you get a good picture of what he's like without having it masked by your pressure.

Here's an idea, try it: find out the kind of guy he is before you try to make him the kind of guy you'd like him to be. This way you have a better idea of how big a task it is and whether you're up to training him or if you should move on.

Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By anonymous, 14, from garfield nj:

iight there wuz dis boy i ran into one day when i was by my aunts house, he had on a black tank top or black beater and he was built.(really good looking) we stared at each other with this strong look.ever since that day i couldnt forget him i even asked around about him cuz i liked what i saw.come to find out we were in the same homeroom and had some of the same classes toghether in jr. high.we flirted alot alot alot!!!!! like i cud be sittin behind him and he would like grab my legs and i would play kick him baq.all th guys had always wanted to get wit me cuz i had the best body and face and a cool as real personality.deep down he liked me and kinda new dat i liked him to.the next year in 8th grade things had heated up!!! we flirted alot and on my myspace he would send these comments like nice ass u dont no what id do 2 it and stuff.over the internet i admtted my true feelins and he let me no how he felt 2. at school he denied it cuz he was and always will b a people pleaser.for our graduation dinner that we had at the catilian i asked him to dance in my gorgeouse gown and he turned me down for some odd reason (HIS FRIENDZ)the very next day at our graduation rehersal we ended up kissen and touchin a little.when i got home to get ready fr the ceremony i was so excited.when i got there me and my friends was waiten on him.he sat next to me before we went into the hall and he was flirtin mad hard.i ended kissen him and getting fingered at graduation.i no it sounds nasty but he is so sexy he just finally let go and just showed me how he felt.i was so happy that i felt like i was floating on a cloud.he ended up telling his big mouth friend who told the whole school but he lied and said that i asked him to do those things to me.i felt so embaressed but yet i hestitated to confront him.currently im a freshmen in garfield high and there was an agrement for me to ask him out because he was to shy.i got nervouse and one of both our close friends ended up askin him infront of a crowd of his friends.and he said no he got a gurl and he dont like me but honestly i think he once again played me and tryed to front for his friends.i broke down and cryed because i no i am the one for him but does he see that i dont no how can i tell him that he cares to much what his friends think and that im the one for him and i need him to just trust me and be with me how do i even approach him after what had happened

sincerley,confused

VictorM's advice:

ur confoozed? dont b!!!!!!! 4get boyz n bcum a poleetacion. u cod even bcum prezidant but u hve 2 pay attencion in inglesh claz.

OK.... my bad.

He may be the one for you (yarite!) but you don't know that you're the one for him. He doesn't think so. And when it comes to his feelings, he rules.

Come on, there's lots of other boys out there, and most of them have fingers.

Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By Erin, 27, from Washington, DC:

I was dating a guy for a year and a half, and he started to get scared because he thought he was settling down, and that our relationship was too comfortable. We finally broke up, and he told me that we will get back together he just needs to sort some things out first (He's 24, and I'm 27). Do you think this is just breakup talk because he didn't want to hurt my feelings, or that he really intends to get back together?

VictorM's advice:

It's just breakup talk. In a situation like that, a guy will say anything to be able to get away without making the girl cry.

Think about it: what is he going to resolve by not staying with you? If the relationship is too comfortable, you work on it, you don't get away from it. Unless, of course, you don't plan to work on it.

Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By Elizabeth, 25, from India:

Help! I am in love with my colleague. The problem is he has a girlfriend and yet he is still so friendly with me. He is out of town at the moment ( just for 2 weeks) and yet told me before he left to keep in touch by email and we should really go out for a meal when he comes back. Usually I would brush off these kind of comments from guys but in this instance, I really like him so I'm not sure what to do.

VictorM's advice:

If it's a friendly lunch date, go. Why not? If it seems he's just looking to know you a little better, so be it. He's the one that owes his girlfriend respect. You only need to respect yourself. Hopefully you're not the type of girl that willingly would meddle in the affairs of another couple. So don't. But how he behaves with you at lunch will allow you to access what kind of man he is. After all, if he comes across as someone willing to deceive his girlfriend, how appealing is he to you?

Now, if you have a friendly lunch and sometime later he breaks up with his girlfriend, well, that's life. Good for you. If he doesn't break-up with her, you should look for someone else to go to lunch with.

Submitted on Thursday, December 13, 2007
By Tara, 26, from Manchester:

Hi Victor! It's me again! Well first off, just a big thank you to replying to all my questions.

Ok so things apparently were not what I thought them to be. We had that serious talk the last time but came away with very different conclusions. As a result I thought he lost interest or was blowing me off. For me, being a girl, opening up and sharing with someone makes me feel closer. Obviously for him, a guy, it makes him stop and think rationally instead of just following his sex drive. He thought that we had agreed to just be friends and he was trying to cool things down though he still wanted us to be able to keep in touch and be friendly.

So I called him and asked him for a drink, which he agreed to. He said things to me like "You're a great girl, I really like and respect you alot and think you deserve the best. I'm still very attracted to you but I'm not sure if I can commit to a serious relationship because my last serious one didn't go too well. I don't want to screw you over or hurt you and that might happen if we get closer". He's concerned because we have cultural (not religious) differences, mainly in the way we communicate and express ourselves. However I think he's panicking a little and overthinking things now because I brought the issues up. Also he thinks I'm a lot more conservative about sex than I really am because I've been very clear I need to go slow, and he's interpreting that as "never ever" or "if we have sex, and break up she's going to take it badly". Yet I feel the attraction between us is still strong. When I asked him if he lost interest in me, he said "Nooooo" and grabbed my hand. He also took my hand often and kissed it or put it on his face. And he said that it would be so easy to just keep seeing me, sleep with me, and then when we broke up, one person would be really hurt and we would hate each other. He said he couldn't believe he was doing this and what was he thinking. Basically he likes me but because of our immediate differences, he doesn't think we have long term potential. He said that girls are more attached in the short term, guys are more in the long term. So if we didn't go out for long, it would be me getting hurt and he doesn't want that because he really likes me as a person. All these could just be really good player lines, but I got the sense he was being honest and open and genuinely meant it.

I want to tell him he's wrong and we got off on the wrong footing, so obviously he won't know until we see each other a bit longer. But I don't know how to say this without arguing against him. Since I know he likes me, I really want to give this a try and show this his fears are unfounded. I'm not looking for anything serious either and just want to date casually and be with someone I'm attracted to. How do I communicate this to him so that he'd be open to it? Should I ask him to meet me again before I leave for my Christmas break (in four days) so it won't be a case of out of sight out of mind? I'll keep things light of course and not force him to discuss a relationship. Or just leave it till the new year?

VictorM's advice:

Look at your own words... "Should I ask him to meet me again before I leave for my Christmas break (in four days) so it won't be a case of out of sight out of mind? I'll keep things light of course and not force him to discuss a relationship."

1. You're planning already your next move, for him to keep you in mind, even as you say you just want casual dating.
2. Why should he be forced to discuss a relationship if all you want is casual dating?

Tara, you're just changing your tactics to accomplish what you've wanted for a long time: to get him in a committed relationship! (I'm not saying you're doing any of this in a premeditated or deceiving manner, but that is the end result.)

This guy is skeptical for the same reason that many guys are: he thinks you're just setting up a trap! And he's not buying that you can have sex without strings attached. Of course you will rip him apart if you start having sex and then he breaks it off. He knows that, no matter what you say now.

If he likes you, you won't be out of his mind. Give him a chance to chase you. If he does, wonderful; if he doesn't, well... you have your answer about his intentions.

Go away for Christmas.

By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:

ok theres this guy i really like, we met at a party and swapped numbers, he was texting me now and again just general chit chat but calling me babe etc then we decided to meet up, watched a dvd in my flat and only kissed, he said he wanted to respsect me so we didnt go any further, but after that he was being distant, hardly text and i was the one texting first. i met him by chance in the pub one night and we rushed over to me hugging me and kissing me but i hadent seen him in like 9 days, so i acted distant and then i left. i text him later to come back to a party and he did. we had a big chat about how he wants to be with me and how it freaked him out how much he liked me and that's why he was being scarce, as he said he's a lot going on, his ex is pregnant and pestering him, he has money trouble and is about to get his licence back so thats fair enough. then i didn't hear form him again till the next week and we ended up sleeping together, now its been another 6 days and i haven't heard anything. whats going on??

VictorM's advice:

Business as usual, that's what's going on. Why did you expect anything different when his behavior now is consistent with his behavior all along?

He said: "he's a lot going on, his ex is pregnant and pestering him, he has money trouble and is about to get his licence back." That, by itself, should be reason enough. But if you believe that he makes himself scarce because he was freaked out by how much he likes you, I have free midfield tickets for Scotland's games at EURO-2008* for you.

* Scotland didn't qualify for the EURO-2008.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 12, 2007
By lori, 36, from illinois:

I can not seem to make my loser husband understand that I want him to leave. He does nothing but complain and terrorize us all. (We have four kids). The home itself is due to my efforts. Every financial burden is carried by myself or my teenage son. He makes everyone's lives sheer hell. He's been asked to just move on, but he flatly refuses. How do I make him see that I'm serious without having the police come or moving away myself?

VictorM's advice:

If he terrorizes you, knowing that you want him to leave only fuels his determination to stay. Doesn't sound like this is the type of man you can talk any sense into.

Don't want to involved the police yet; you need to talk to a lawyer first. You need to know what legal options you have before doing anything else. There's more at risk than his physical presence in the house. Things like child support, health care benefits, debt responsibilities, etc. all need to be considered. And if physical or mental abuse is going on, you'll need to expedite the process through the courts.

You better get ready to accept that you may have to play hard ball. If you can't, you won't solve this problem.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 12, 2007
By Kaay, 24, from brooklyn:

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he says it's over and he has moved on. Is he lying? Can someone move on so fast?

VictorM's advice:

Yes! It's totally possible depending on the circumstances, for example, if he found someone else, or being with you was just unbearable. If he broke up with you under his own terms, he'll never look back.

By katie bell, 19, from bronx:

I have a question on guy behavior. Me and this guy Connor met a few months ago at my friend's house and I did not think anything would develop from it. It was a party and we just hooked up (kissed, I don't know what people like to call it) and we exhanged phone numbers. We have been talking almost every day since and I have hung out with twice before at his house and I have slept over a few times. I have met all of his friends and he has met mine. I recently told him how I have felt about him and he said he felt the same way but did not know if he wanted a relationship before transferring to school in Virginia or if he just wanted to be friends. After a week, he told me that he wanted to give us a try and see where things went. But ever since then, he has hardly talked to me. I really like him but I do not know what to do. Am I thinking too much into the situation or have we just drifted apart?

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he has "buyer's remorse". That is, he's not sure he made the right decision and so now he's avoiding you until he considers things further.

Sometimes, before making an important decision we only see the positives of what we're about to do (you're a good kisser, fun, you like him, sex is good, etc.) and so sure, let's give this a try. But once the decision is made, he starts to see other sides to this deal: loss of freedom, having to be accountable, responsibilities, are you the right girl?, etc.

This is not uncommon. Quite often the guy works those things out and all proceeds fine. But if he keeps avoiding... you have a problem; it probably means the negatives won out over the positives and he's ready to put you back on the shelf.

By jody, 34:

I meet my boyfriend now for two months. He is a very nice person and hardly loses his temper in front of people. I like this guy very much, but the problem is I don't feel getting enough "love" from him. I am a girl who needs surprises, flowers, or small gifts from a boyfriend occasionally that makes me feel special or proving his care to me. My boyfriend is only focused on his work. He very hardly makes plans for "us". He is nice to me and calls me more than two times every day and tells me he loves me, misses me. Most of the time, he only will take me out when I complaint about it. I wanted to test him so I requested him to buy me a cake, but he still hasn't bought it. He always makes me disapointed as he's always late and busy with his personal things. I just want him to do something for me so that I know he loves me. I love him but just don't feel we are in a great relationship. Sometimes, I want to leave him, but I just admire too much his great personality.

VictorM's advice:

I see no question so I don't know what you're after from me. I'm going to guess.

Let me see... he's busy, calls you twice a day, tells you he misses you, treats you well, and darn, he even hardly loses his temper in front of people... but that's not enough to convince you that he loves you? I mean, I understand you liking for him to be thoughtful and to do little things for you, but what does that have to do with him love you? Nothing!

Instead of complaining, tell him, in positive terms, the things that would like him to do. "I would be thrilled if you surprised me some days...", "I would be so happy if you took me out to dinner..." Just keep repeating the things that would make you happy. Maybe he'll get off his butt and do them, I don't know. But if he does it, make sure you reward him.

By the way, out of curiosity, what do you ever do for him that you know for a fact he really likes?

Submitted on Wednesday, December 12, 2007
By Traci, 36, from Phoenix:

Hi there,

I've been dating this guy for about 3 months. He's recently divorced, and has a little girl. Due to his busy schedule, I haven't been seeing him as much as I'd like, because he's out of town so much for work, and he has his daughter every other weekend. My question: Will it freak him out if I have a talk with him, basically saying, this is where I'm at in the relationship, and to let him know that if he's not (or if he thinks he won't ever be at the same level I am), to please let me know (or let me know if that time should come, instead of lingering it out). I don't want to come off as being needy or high maintenance, but I do want to tell him what I'm feeling (before I invest too much of my heart in this relationship). Am I being a typical woman? I just want to know where we stand. I'm not good at the dating thing...thought you could help me from a guy's perspective. I have a few guy friends who've told me...don't say anything, you'll scare him away. But, my whole idea is not to put him on the defensive, but to make sure we're on the same page.

Without going into too much detail, I feel like sometimes he's going out with me because he feels like it's another obligation he has to fulfill, not because he wants to (and yes, we've already had sex, which I knows messes things up sometimes, but I don't regret it). Whenever I'm with him (which is not too often, maybe once every week or two), he always makes plans for the future, for example a few weeks ago, he said that we could hang out early this week together, since he'd be in town. When the time came...he didn't mention it at all...I did mention that I'd like to see him before Christmas (because I don't want seem pushy and mention what he had said earlier about doing stuff during the week), he said we could meet this Friday. My thing is...I feel like I have to prod him into following through with what he previously said he wanted to do, which were his suggestions, not mine. I don't think I should have to do this, if he says wants to do something, he should do it, not because I prod him (and remind him he said this before), but because he said he'd do it. And, I don't talk to him on the phone as much as I'd like (given that I don't see him that much), but, I guess that's a guy thing. I know he's a busy guy, and he has a lot of obligations to fill, but I want to feel like he actually wants to spend time with me, not out of an obligation, but because he genuinely likes being with me. I know...I'm probably overanalyzing. And, I know, if I don't hear from him, I should make other plans (instead of prodding him), but I really do want to spend time with him, because I like him and care about him. Am I nuts for wanting to let him know how I feel, so early in our relationship? I don't want to rush him... I don't mind taking things slow, especially given that he's got a daughter and is recently divorced, but I just want to make sure we're headed in the same direction (forward) instead of standing still (or headed backwards). I just want to protect myself from being hurt... I think he's a nice guy who wouldn't tell me how he really feels because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I have to know if he's not on the same page as me. It probably wasn't a good idea for me to go out with him so soon after his divorce..but I can't blame that on him...I actually asked him out (before I found out he was recently divorced).

Help! Any help you guide provide would truly be appreciated.

Thank you!

Traci

VictorM's advice:

Yes, you're being a typical woman... but no one is perfect. :)

Your friends are right for this reason: there is no question that he's not where you are in the relationship. He doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him. Everything you say spells it out. There are probably several reasons for that (too soon, busy, child, not ready, etc.). But it's hard to tell if he ever will feel anything special for you. Right now, you have not put pressure on him, so he dates you, but you have to be the one pushing it. If you pop the "where are we added?" question, this dating ceases be a casual, fun thing and becomes serious. There are no signs whatsoever that he's ready for that. Even if you say you are willing to take it slow, he knows what you're after and it's likely to end.

It's funny that you say you don't want to be needy, but you feel you have to prod him about the dates he makes. Why is that? What makes you sure he won't go through with the date? And if he missed the date, wouldn't that tell you tons about where he is? But yet, you don't give him a chance to demonstrate his commitment, or lack of it, with something as simple as a date. Maybe you're afraid to find out what deep down inside you already know?

So, let me see... you have to prod him to meet you, you don't talk to him as much as you would like, you don't see him enough, you think seeing you is an obligation for him, you don't feel like he wants to spend time with you... so, I'm puzzled, why would you even want a relationship with this guy? I mean, if this guy isn't making an effort during the courting phase, when men are the most attentive, you really think it would get better if you are in a relationship?

You sure are a woman.

By Ree, 35, from India:

Dear Victor, I know this guy from 3 years ago. We worked together for the first 2 years and he was totally smitten by me. I was shy, unsure, and in another relationship then and did not respond. But always believed that we had a special bond. I left that job but we kept in touch. I am free now and when we met met once made the first move. He was seemingly happy but has taken up a new job and is very busy. What I want to know is that taking up a new job can cause a guy to put romance (long lost even) on a back burner. He is too busy to pursue this relationship and does not call or try to meet as often as I would want.

VictorM's advice:

Yes, a new job can be very time consuming and use up much of his energy. To some men, and in particular in some cultures (India, for example), having a solid job and doing well at it is very much part of a man's sense of self-worth.

By sara, 28, from uk:

Here i am again!! well i sent him a message on facebook on sunday after spending sat night with him. he invitied me to a house party with all his friends and introduced me to them etc. when i was in the taxi going to this house party one of his friends came on the phone and was chatting to me...he asked me if i was G's girlfriend....i said well you better ask G that....i overheard him saying that technically she's not my GF but she may as well be. so on sunday i sent him a message on facebook suggesting that we get together one night and do something.....he took until the next night to reply to me....totally ignored my suggestion of doing something together and just said that he was sorry he hadn't replied sooner but didn't have the energy (after partying the night before)....and then went on about sex. didn't mention us going out etc.

so what do i do now? i was going to message back saying look i think we want different things cos i'd like to spend time with you doing things and getting to know you and see where it leads....but then another part of me thinks that i should just ignore him....detach....and get on with my life. i know men are slower than us women to get into a relationship or to start dating someone (esp in this situation cos we started off as f-buddy's).....but i've told him i like him....suggested a date....and i've told him no more sex. he's told me he likes me....but has given me the whole 'i'm too scared' line etc....and is just carrying on as normal with me and not making any effort. right now i'm getting bored with it all.....and i'm totally undecided as to what to do next. personally i think he's just playing a game cos surely if he wanted something more he'd jump at the chance of spending time with me to get to know me better?

sorry to be such a pain but i'm so confused. he doesn't act like a typical player, but then he doesn't act like someone who's that interested in pursuing more with me either! thank you for all your advice so far....xxxx

VictorM's advice:

"personally i think he's just playing a game cos surely if he wanted something more he'd jump at the chance of spending time with me to get to know me better?" BINGO!

I'm not sure it's a game as much as it is going deliberately slow because he still gets to enjoy your company without any obligations.

Make yourself scarce. Find other interests, date other guys. Will he chase you? Time will tell.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 11, 2007
By linda, 40, from NC:

I am looking for a guys advise/opinion. I have been dating a man for 8 months now. I am 42 he is 51. He tells me he loves and he misses me (we are in a long distance relationship), we are 7 hours apart. I have recently decided to move to where he lives. The problem is that I am needing a loan to help with moving expenses and deposit on a home. I have been unable to obtain a loan without a cosigner. My friends have offered to help me but I won't accept it. I have told the man I am seeing this and he knows the situation and he has not offered to help me out either with a personal loan or signing for a loan for me. My home is on the market to sell and I will be able to pay it back but just need some assistance until it sells. I guess I am wondering, if he loves me as much as he says he does, and he claims he wants me close by, why is he not offering to help me? Is that he really does not want me that close? Maybe he is just stringing me along and likes his freedom while being able to get together once a month to see each other? I am very confused! If it was him moving to me I would do anything I could to help him out if he needed assistance. I am just confused as to what this could actually mean. Or am I reading too much into it? Your thoughts please!!!

VictorM's advice:

I'm at a disadvantage since I don't know his financial situation, his credit rating, and his view on you moving so soon.

It sounds like you need a sizable loan. That's not exactly money that average folks have around in disposable income. But that aside, don't mix his willingness or ability to help with his feelings for you. One can be in love and still have conservative money management skills. This notion that "if you love me you'd do this or that" is terribly immature.

If you have been long distance for 7 months, why not wait another three or six months and do it when you have sold your house and can move without putting anyone's finances and credit rating at risk? And why buy a house right away? Come on, being in love is great, but there's no need to be blind about it. How you deal with each being long-distance can, and probably will, change when you're dealing day to day. Hopefully all will work OK, but the odds are 50/50 at best that it will be smooth sailing. You're acting like it will be a sure thing; it's not. In fact, how can you be ready to make such a move and have doubts about his willingness to have you around? Shouldn't that question have long be put to rest before you make these major decisions?

You say that if the shoe were on the other foot you'd help him, but just because you're irresponsible and overly "motherly" doesn't make it wrong for him to not be like you.

Additionally, it's possible that he feels he would insult you if he offered you financial help, or that you'd feel too indebted to him to properly navigate a romantic relationship. If he's thinking this, he would be a smart man.

Anyway... as I said before, I don't know enough to know what he might be thinking, but my words reflect the more practical approach to relationships that men generally have. Guys are more cautions about these things. "I'll do anything for love" plays well in movies and romance novels but not so well in the real world.

I will strongly offer you this advice: don't go into debt over a lover.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 11, 2007
By Heather, 25:

I have been going on dates with this guy maybe 3 times a month for about 5 months now and it is non-exclusive, but I think that we both have at least considered bringing it to that level at some point. We talked about it hypothetically a couple times and both seemed interested. But anyhow, he broke up with a girlfriend about a year ago. They still keep in touch occasionally, but he says they are just friends. Does that seem a bit concerning or no? I have always been told that guys and girls cannot be just friends after breaking up. That it wouldn't work so I wonder if he's still into her at all, or if it's really not an issue?

VictorM's advice:

I'm a firm believer that friendships with exes is a bad idea for reasons I have stated tons of times on this site, however, "They still keep in touch occasionally" is hardly staying friends. It's one thing to stay friendly and civil, another to stay chummy and hangout together. The former is a good thing, the latter a problem.

He was her boyfriend. Obviously he cared for her. Thinks evolved to where they felt their relationship was not a good match and decided to breakup. That does not mean she's an enemy now. It's totally likely that he still thinks highly of her, wishes her the best, and has fond thoughts of her. To me, that just reveals a man who is thoughtful and mature.

I think you should be celebrating this aspect of his personality rather than worrying, as long as "occasionally" is the operative word.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 11, 2007
By Tara, 26, from Manchester:

Hi Victor,

I wrote a few days ago about this guy not replying to my text asking him out to see if the talk we had the week before had any conclusion about us continuing to see each other or just be friends. He texted back 24 hours later (on Saturday evening) to say sorry he missed my text because he was out and drank too much, and that he was out of town for the weekend. The text ended by saying "maybe catch you later next week...". I can't tell if he really intends to see me this week or if this is his way of blowing me off.

The thing is, next week we both go back to our respective towns for Christmas break. I would like a clear indication by then. I don't know if I should just keep waiting for him to initiate something or if I should ask him outright. If I asked him, what would be the best way to go about it so it doesn't freak him out or make him think I'm trying to force him into a relationship? Should I ask him to meet me in person or just phone, text, or email? And how should I raise the issue with him?

VictorM's advice:

Sara, "maybe catch you later next week..." must not be taken literally. It's just a parting expression. Like "goodbye", "see you around", "take care", "cheers"... it's just a vague saying and not a commitment or promise of any kind.

Why must you get an answer before Christmas? Is peace on Earth and good will to all men going to turn into the next world war if you don't have an answer by then? Where did that artificial deadline come from? And why must he be rushed to give you an answer by a time certain just because you say so?

In your last submission, you wrote: "he told me was that he had been thinking about me loads that week and that he really liked me a lot too. but..." I cut off after the "but" because what follows doesn't matter. The "but" is a polite way of telling you that he's not ready for you. Frankly, I don't see what you need to ask him. Where things stand seem clear to me: you're not a couple! That much was clear from your last submission, and made even more clear by the "maybe catch you later next week..." He's not ruling you out, but clearly he's not that eager to see you either.

Go home for Christmas, enjoy the family, rest assured a world war won't start (well, with George in power you never know) and you can pick up where you left off when you come back.

By tanya, 19, from san jose:

Hi, my boyfriend of 3 years has slipped up at least 5 times and has called me mom. Should I be worried about this? I don't want to be a motherly figure to him. I mean, I don't act like a mother, I'm a pretty chill girlfriend, and he definitely has his own mother in his life whom he adores. I don't get it? It creeps me out!! Help?

VictorM's advice:

Some people are just more prone than others to get into a speech habit (in this case, saying "mom" when he talks to her). It's more a reflex than anything else. Sorta like a receptionist at work who answers the phone as "Argville, how may I help you?" all day long, and when at home, instead of just saying "Hello", "Argville, how may I help you?" slips out from time to time.

Just laugh about it when he does it. It's nothing to worry about. Chances are that if you two marry, he'll be talking to his mom and call her "Tanya" from time to time.

Submitted on Tuesday, December 11, 2007
By Trish, 31, from Canada:

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 months. He moved to my city a year ago, his home city is about 5 hours away from here. He moved in with my bestfriend 6 months ago. That is how we met. We spent all of our time together, maybe haven't seen eachother 5 days in our whole relationship. He works from 11:30-9:30 5 days a week. Most times he works split shifts so has 2-5pm off. I have a daughter in school, on my days off I go to his house after I drop my daughter off for school and lay with him until he gets up for work and I drive him to work. I pick him up during his split time then drive him back to work. I usually pick him up at the end of the day and I expect to spend a few hours with him after work. On his days off I usually go to his house when I drop my daughter off and stay until about 8pm. Sometimes I leave for the afternoon and come back to spend the evening with him. He and my daughter get along well. Last week he had made plans to see some freinds. I got upset with him because he also made plans with me. Through his friend, he met a girl he's been hanging out with. He told me about her, I got jelous. I have had bad relationships in the past and have been cheated on alot. He assures me they are just friends and he has no attraction to her. He said he won't be friends with a girl unless he's not attracted to her. I have met her a few times and spent time with them. She's very nice and assures me there is nothing to worry about between them. She is seeing someone. I do feel like he's pushing me away since he's met her though. I'm used to all of his time and now he wants to spend time with her. I realize latley I'm being very demanding and selfish with his time. I feel like he's pushing me away and I have to force him to spend time with me..although as I'm telling him this I'm at his house spending time with him. I know I have to give him his space and time to see his friends. I have been neglecting my friends as well. I guess I'm having seperation anxiety from him? I am scarred he's going to go off with his new friend who's a girl. I want to trust him and I know its my problem because they are my insecurities and it's not fair to be treating him this way. He has yesterday, today and Wednesday off. He said he wanted Monday to be alone and play his games and not go anywhere. I went to pick him up from work on Sunday night and asked him if he wanted to spend time with me, he did. I had to run home for a few minutes and he called me at home to ask if I minded if he went to the new girl's house because she had guy friends over and he wanted to meet them. He loves meeting new people. He wanted to ditch me. I said no we just made plans..I offered to go with him but he didn't want me to. I went to his house and asked if he was upset with me...he said no he's spending time with me. When I was leaving Sunday night, I asked him if he wanted me to come over in the morning..he said no I'll call you when I get up. I got really mad at him and ended up storming out. I didn't call him all day Monday or Monday night. My friend told me (she volunteered information) he was home all day and then went out with the girl at 6:30pm. He came home at 11:30pm and she called him at 11:45pm but my freind didn't know if he went back out or not with her. He hasn't called me yet. It's Tuesday. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

I call bullshit on his answers about this girl.

First of all, asking him is kinda useless, I mean, what did you expect him to say? Of course he's going to say they are just friends. But any guy that jeopardizes his relationship because of another woman, is up to no good.

Second, maybe there is nothing between them, but he's smitten by her and it will be just a matter of time before it goes further.

Third, when you offered to go with him and he said no, you might as well tattoo the word "sucker" in your forehead if you don't see that as a blatant sign that your relationship is in serious trouble.

What do you do? The opposite of what you're doing. Do you really believe that getting angry and yelling at him is going to drive him away from her and into you? Think again. She's the fun and you're the "strict mom." Which one do you think he'd rather be with?

You have to create an environment where a guy SEEKS to be with you, not run away from you. As it is, you spend far too much time with this guy. You're suffocating him with your presence. Spend more time with your daughter, more time with friends, find a hobby, get a life without him. You're more a chauffeur than a lover. Stop that!

Will it keep him away from her? I have no idea, but what you're doing isn't working.

By SM, 16, from OMAN:

I like this guy in my class and he seems to like me. Here are the symptoms:

1.He tries to rub against me and touches me when he has the chance to do it (eg: when I give him something he touches my fingers when there is no need to as the things I give him are big like a paper or pouch and not as tiny as a thumb pin)..My friend said whenever he touches a girl by mistake, he’ll say sorry. This guy has not said that word to me. (NEVER. ).
2.He is REALLY shy.But when it comes to me he is REAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY shy.
He’ll blush and won’t understand what I say.(the other day I asked him to switch off the AC and his fingers went over switches of the fans and lights.)
3. He is kinda jealous when I talk to other other guys (esp his friend to whom I asked something personal and HE replied even though his friend was replying.) One day when I gave this friend a book, and he who was till then happy turned angry for no reason and took my book from his friend’s hand, flipped through it and banged it on his (friends) table. I know that it mean. When I was calling (in class, not on phone) a boy I was pretty sure my crush heard it but he called this particular boy I was calling and started talking to him.
4.He does show off a bit in front of me.
5.My friends caught him staring at me and so did I.
6.His behavior does change a bit when I’m around but then I can never be sure. It could be my wishful thinking. But then there are a lot of symptoms and I am so very confused as I found out that he doesn’t behave like this to other girls.

Either he is scared of me or he likes me. But then he needn’t get angry when I talk to guys if he is scared of me. I am shy too. We are decent and do not flirt with anyone. How do I know for sure and what is the next step if I find he likes me for sure?
Waiting for a helpful reply.
THANKS IN ADVANCE.

VictorM's advice:

Oh yeah, he likes you. No doubt about it. He would only be scared of you IF he liked you, and he does.

The question is, with both of you being shy, where do you go from here? Basically, shyness is about lack of trust. He will not approach you because he's afraid you'll laugh, make fun of him, or ridicule him in front of others. You have to make him feel safe around you by talking nicely to him, smiling and greeting him (no need to flirt), and making sure you're never in a position to appear to be making fun of him. Talk to him about topics he's very knowledgeable of. If possible, try to be in situation where you two are alone; that might give him the nerve to be a little more forward with you.

By Kissy, 25, from Atlanta, GA:

How can I get him to admit he cheated on me? I know for a fact he has cheated on me but the way I found out I can not use this as proof. I have asked him a multitude of questions but of course he denies everything. I can forgive him as he has forgiven my for my one mistake. I just want to move on from this.

VictorM's advice:

You think he has forgiven you? I think you're mistaken. He is either going to punish you over it for a lifetime and/or going to take advantage of it by cheating as often as he pleases, just as he has done this one time that you caught him.

But let's see... not only has he cheated on you, not only is he lying to you now, not only have you made "one mistake" (cheated?), but you obtained information through devious means, and you have interrogated him (hey, have you tried some water boarding?). Do either of you have any concept of what "trust" means? Because I don't think you do. And without it, confession or no confession, you will never move from this. Another day, another girl, another mysterious phone call, another time arriving late, another strange text message, etc. etc. you will always be in the hunt.

Face it: even if he now confesses it will solve nothing. You already know all you need to know: he's a cheater and a liar. The confession isn't going to change any of it.

Submitted on Monday, December 10, 2007
By Melissa, 13, from Missouri:

Ok. You probably don't want to waist your time on some teenage girl, but I sure could use the help. My boyfriend and I love each other a lot. He is a very funny person and he loves sports. But I want to get him a gift for Christmas to tell him that I love him. Any ideas?

VictorM's advice:

Nothing says "I love you" like the signs that you actually listened to him. Don't buy him something that YOU like and therefore think he should like it as well. Too many women do that... arghhhh, it's annoying.

So, has he ever said to you that there's something he'd like to get? If it's within your budget, get it, no matter how cheap. Remind him that you heard him say he wanted it and that's why you got him for him. He'll melt right before your eyes.

Sorry I can't be more specific, but a special gift requires that you do the thinking.

By Bridget, 14, asks:

My boyfriend is 13, and I'm turning 15 in February. We've been going out for a month now. He hugs me a lot and cuddles and kisses me on the cheek but not yet on the lips. I like him, and he likes me. He used to be very shy before he asked me out and now he's very confident and 'aggressive'<---my friends said that. My friends HATE him. They say every time he sees me he's always hugging and cuddling me from behind every second and never let's me go and whenever they try to hug me he pushes them away and when they push me he's all "HEY! Don't do that." My friends find him very annoying that sometimes they want to beat him up but they wouldn't and are holding it in because of me. I don't know what to do with him. I thought guys hate cuddling and hugging. By the way, my boyfriend is such a sucker in sweet talking because he never says anything sweet, says he misses me or anything, I know that guys hates talking and stuff.

Tell me what I need to know. Help me with him and my friends. I don't know who's side I should be in, I love my friends more than him right now but then I never said I loved him.

VictorM's advice:

Well... he does sound annoying! :-P

I don't think you really have to choose between your friends and him... as long as he understands that too much of anything is, well, too much. Showing some affection is nice, but he needs to understand that when you're around your friends he has to share you with them. So excessive hugging and meddling when they are playing with you isn't going to go well with you.

Talk to him about it but -- very important -- don't ask him to so anything different because of your friends; say you'd like him to do certain things for you. Tell me the things you like ("I like that you show affection"), but also tell him about other feelings ("I feel embarrassed when you hug me too much in front of my friends"). In other words, make it so that whatever you'd like him to do, he's doing for you, not for anyone else.

If that doesn't work, tell him next time he goes overboard in front of you friends, you're going to reach down between his pants, yank off his little pecker and shove it down the meat grinder. That ought to get his attention... and the admiration of your friends.

Submitted on Monday, December 10, 2007
By Noni, 23, from South Africa:

He started by asking that we hang out- so we would and he told me a lot about himself initially but I didn't participate much- I would just listen, and when I finally came around, he seems to be cooling down- we both know we like each other a lot but at the moment I'm the one who seems to be more interested in taking our relationship to the next level. I told him I liked him, after which he said he doesn't want to hurt me/something along those lines- but he still wants to hang out and recently asked me on a date- what I don't get is why the hesitation because I can't even put it to him just wanting benefits because there aren't any. What is he thinking?

VictorM's advice:

He's thinking that you're a nice girl, nice enough, but he doesn't feel strongly about you enough to want to commit. For now, he just wants to get to know you better. Smart boy.

This is fairly typical: girls want to commit and then see if things will work out; guys want to see if things will work out before they commit.

Submitted on Sunday, December 09, 2007
By Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach:

Here's the story, you remember the guy I talked about before? Well, I followed your advice and "moved on", but still being his friend we continue to walk home together and so we did last week. And once we got to his house he just said "ok go" but he's always doing that. And since I live farther he watches me leave (I don't know why tho) then he goes inside his house but I told him I would only leave if he gave me a hug. He always makes me work for it sorta. And he kept looking at others saying "go ask that old lady for a hug". He kept resisting so that all we did was stand around and talk about stuff for about 1-2 hours. And at one point he left me and sat at his steps but then he would occassionally look to see if I was still there but he was only looking when I wasn't. Then I would catch him and smile then he smiled in return. Then FINALLY I said "you know what it's gonna take to get me to go?" he replied "what?" where I continued "a hug" and he pretending like he heard it for the 1st time said "O that's all you wanted?". He gave me the hug. And I was all set to go until I asked him basically why was he jerking me around about the hug and he replied saying "I was trying to make a point." I didn't know what that meant so I asked and asked but he said 1. it wasn't bad and 2. it was for him to know and for me to NEVER find out. And I should also add that during our whole waiting around he kept texting someone (I don't know if boy or girl) and kept smiling/laughing at the texts. So my question is
1. What was his "point" he was trying to make?
2. Why did he make me "work" for the hug?
3. Could he have been talkin about me in his texts?

And ps: he doesn't do that to all girls. Just me. Why?

VictorM's advice:

Alyssa, when you move on, it's important that you and him know that. Staying around for 1 to 2 hours (or was that 1/2 hour?) anyway, doesn't matter how long, you waited around too much. Part of the problem, if I recall your previous submissions, is that he takes you liking him for granted. And waiting that long for a hug confirms you're still too interested in him.

My guess is that he was talking to some friends, saying that you like him, and they were trading texts confirming that.

He only does it to you because you're the only one that puts up with him jerking you around.

Unless you pay him less attention, his behavior will continue. Be nice, be friendly, but be somewhat distant. Make no demands from him. Ever. About anything.

Now, start over. :)

Submitted on Sunday, December 09, 2007
By emily, 14, from new jersey:

My guy friend likes one of my girl friends, but she only likes him as a friend, and she is always teasing him even when he is really nice to her. And she says stuff like "I'm not talking to you anymore" and she walks off, then walks back up to him and starts laughing and talking to him again. And she is always kicking him gently, and flinging stuff at him. Is there anything that he should say or do to help her like him more. Or have her stop doing those things?

VictorM's advice:

He's loving it. He's getting attention from her and that's what he craves the most. Every time she kicks him he enjoys the physical contact. Trust me, he enjoys the game. She, on the other hand, his devoting a lot of energy to him, so she must like him too. Sure, as a friend for now, but if he keeps being nice to her, without even realizing it, she's falling in his web.

Sit back and enjoy watching the soap opera unravel right before your eyes.

Submitted on Sunday, December 09, 2007
By Taylor Jean, 20, from Kentucky:

Victor,

I am a sophomore in college and I am facing a very big delimna. First of all I have liked this guy for like a year and I have ignored my feelings for him because one of my best friends since high school really liked him and they were kinda an "item." This year, well this past week, I was at an event where this boy was and I noticed that he kept looking in my direction and stayed near me. Then we were watching a movie, in the common room, he sat near me and then a few minutes later moved and disappeared. We haven't talked for months and he and my friend have been on the riffs for about that long. I was wandering if his stares could have meant that he might like me too or could he just be wondering if he should approach me about my friend. And if he likes me how would I pursue him without hurting my friend? Or should I even try.

VictorM's advice:

Unless you have other signs, I think you're making a huge leap that he likes you. I'm not saying he doesn't like, just saying that's not enough to go by. As you said, it's possible he's just thinking of approaching to talk about your friend.

You said that your friend and him "have been on the riffs." To me it means that shaky or not, they are still an item and it would be totally inappropriate for you get yourself in the middle. If he likes you, it's up to him to break it off with her once and for all. Until that happens, you're off limits to him, and him to you.

Submitted on Sunday, December 09, 2007
By Liz, 20, from here:

So there is this guy I am interested in. I've sent him a couple messages and he responded to them at first and then he stopped. Then I IMmed him and he told he thought I was sexy and then he logged off. I sent him 2 more messages saying, "hey, how's it going," and "whats up?," but he hasn't responded. It's weird because whenever I am near or around him, he'll stare at me and even my friends have noticed it but it bothers me that he hasn't responded to my messages. I'm shy so I'm not the type to just walk up to him when he's with a group of guys (and he usually is). He's told people that he keeps to himself, is that another way to say he's shy? I don't know what to do or what this means. Should I take the hint that he'd rather look than touch or should I take a little more initiative or should I throw in the towel??? Please help!

VictorM's advice:

No, don't throw in the towel. This boy likes you. He needs a push.

Often guys don't respond because they don't know what to say. This is even more so if he's attracted to you. Shy guys, and he probably is, don't trust your reaction so they'd rather avoid you than say something they think is dumb.

Time to be a little more forceful. Next time, IM him saying: how about meeting me for a beer/soda/coffee/ice cream (whatever works for you) at [name a place] on [name a day and time]. Do not be timid. Do not let the particulars of the meeting be unclear otherwise it won't happen. Make it happen.

Save the towel for after the make out sessions. :)

Submitted on Sunday, December 09, 2007
By Kate, 13, from Boston:

I am really confused on what to do about a certain guy. We are great friends, and I really like him a LOT. I have known him for about 5 years, although we became close only this year. We have TONS of the same interests, and he just GETS me. We have gone out before, to the mall, in a group of friends, but I don’t really know if it was a date or we were just friends. We flirted the entire time, and at one point it was even just the two of us walking around together, which was a blast. He says he’d like to hang out more, but still, I can’t tell if it’s as friends or more!!! Ugh! I want to go out with him, officially, but I am really worried about ruining our friendship. I have absolutely no idea who he likes. We chat often about this topic, and he claims he doesn’t like anyone. His friends even have no idea who it is! Should I just go for it and ask him out? How should I do it? Don’t say “what do you have to lose?” because the answer is one of my best friends! I just need some advice!

VictorM's advice:

Ahhhh, Kate... so many boys, such little time.

Do NOT ask him out. Don't rush things. The boy enjoys your company and you enjoy his. Give him time to start thinking of you as more than just a friend.

I know that girls are more eager for the "relationship" thing, but it's totally possible he isn't there yet. Boys your age are a little slower getting into the "going out as a couple" kinda thing.

I won't say "what have you got to lose?" but I will say: "Where's the fire?" Don't rush things; you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Submitted on Sunday, December 09, 2007
By Allison, 16, from NJ:

What do guys like in a girl? What makes them attracted to girls? Do guys like girls that have nice boobs or do they like the quiet qirls? What exactly is it???

VictorM's answer:

There is no one body type or one personality type that suits all guys. But you're barking up the wrong tree anyway. There is one element that is common to all preferences: guy or girl, we all like being around someone who makes us feel good about ourselves.

A guy can think you have the perfect body and dress to his liking, but if you find his jokes corny, or his interests boring, he won't stay around too long. When it comes to attraction, it's never about what the other person looks like, how rich they are, how popular they are, it's all about how we feel about yourself when you're around that person. Make a guy feel important, smart, sexy, funny and he'll crave your company.

Try it out. Pick a guy in school. Smile at him, say "hi, [his name], pay him simple compliments ("New shirt? Looks great on you."... "Gotta a haircut? Niiice"), take his interests seriously (for example, if he likes soccer, ask him to explain the offside rule to you and listen intensively), pay him some more simple compliments ("Wow, you know so much"), tell him he's funny when he makes you laugh, and before long, that guy will be eating out of your hand, following you around like a lost puppy. Why? Because he feels good about himself when he's around you.

(Disclaimer: I'm not responsible if the guys in your school all want to marry you.) :)

Submitted on Sunday, December 09, 2007
By Jeanea, 31, from Michigan:

Hi Victor, as per your last advice from you to try to convince "the busy guy" that I like him, I called him and chatted for 20 minutes. Our conversations were OK but I did not manage to clarify with him anything. He told me if he were to come to Michigan, he will contact me. I texted him two days later, his reply was very short. Few days later I was thinking of explaining to him so I called him but he did not pick up. But he just text me that he was having dinner. I told him when he is free let me know and I will call him back. But he never revert. I don't know why suddenly he is avoiding me now. It seems that he is sending me mixed signals now. I am not sure if I should keep contacting him or maybe I should just stop. I suddenly have the urge of asking him why is he avoiding me now. Will I be irritating? Kindly advise me again. Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

Asking him that question is irritating and useless. He will not tell you the truth. In fact, the first thing he will do is deny he is avoiding you and claim he's just... a busy guy. Don't bother.

He won't tell you the truth, but I will: Jeanea, you live in Michigan, he lives in Boston. At one time he was interested in you but logistics, passage of time, and several misfires have cooled him off. His mixed signals, aren't mixed signals, they are politeness and social manners. He will not be rude and openly tell you that he's not interested in a relationship with you, in part, because you are not very direct with the guy about it. So, he is pleasant, makes an effort to be nice, but at the same time, isn't going out of his way to keep in contact with you.

So, if you want to end this agony, call him or write an email, and tell him that you really like him, that you understand through misunderstandings and poor time that was not clear, but that you'd like to pursue a relationship with him.

I know, that's not at all easy to do but your alternative is writing to me frustrated every other week. I don't mind your submissions, I just feel bad that you carry on with so much doubt and unable to resolve this one way or the other. Partly, because I think that deep down inside you know what the answer is going to be. But you're wasting time not knowing.

I hope to get one more submission from you about this guy, either saying you are in a relationship with him or that he confirmed he is not interested.

Submitted on Saturday, December 08, 2007
By Codi, 19, from Houston, TX:

I met this guy about 4 months ago and at first I hated him, but after hanging out I developed a thing for him. Our relationship turned in to friends with benefits which was fun for a while but I wanted a real relationship. We both were only seeing each other so I asked him if he would date me and he said he liked me too much and valued our friendship too much to date me because he would end up hurting me. After that things cooled off and for a month he wouldn't talk to anybody, he completely shut himself off from me and everyone else. A couple weeks ago he called me to hang out and ever since then we have become good friends again. A couple nights ago he said he wanted to date me and that he wanted to have a real relationship. So he asked me to dinner for that weekend. Saturday night comes and he says he forgot about it but invites me to come hang out with him at his house. So now I am confused. What does he want. Another thing is he tells me how much he wants to be with me but he usually has been drinking when he tells me, but when we hang out and he is sober he is quite and shy and never will bring it up. I am sure it is just the alcohol talking when he tells me how much he cares for me but I get my hopes up and then have them crushed. Should I confront him about this or just accept the fact that we will only be friends.

VictorM's advice:

My guess is that the real attraction are the "benefits" part.

When you first asked for a relationship, he bluffed that you'd still see him for the benefits part even if he turned you down. But that didn't happen. He waited a while to see if you would change your mind, but you didn't. So now he's back, knowing that if he wants the benefits part he has to give something up. He's willing to go along with dating you. At least for now. At least when he has been drinking.

How serious is he? Very, but not about the relationship (if it was, I find it hard to believe he would have forgotten the dinner date); he's serious about the benefits part. Why else do you think he's inviting you to his house? Do you really have to ask?

I don't think you'll get a relationship, and I don't think you'll even get friendship, unless you put out. Don't believe me? Withhold the sex and see how far this goes.

Submitted on Saturday, December 08, 2007
By Tara, 26, from Manchester:

I've been seeing this guy for about two months. At the beginning he seemed really interested and was always calling and emailing but lately he seems to be cooling off. Since the third date he has tried to get me to sleep with him and I've explained that I'm not ready for that though we do make out a lot and stay over at each other's places. Although he's not too pleased, he seems to respect that and still wants to see me. Last week we had a rather serious talk and I was open with him about not being able to move as fast as he does, and that we have a lot of differences that we would have to overcome if we kept seeing each other. He agreed and said maybe we should be friends but that he was still very attracted to me. We didn't come to a firm conclusion that night and things still felt very flirty. He texted me to say thanks for the honest chat and I felt really good about things between us.

This week, nothing! He emailed casually to ask for some photos we took together then did not suggest seeing me. I texted him on Friday to see if he was busy in the evening and he said he had plans. I texted back saying I was going to ask him for a drink and that I didn't know if our talk from the week before had any conclusion. He didn't reply! Is it possible that he just lost interest within a week? Is it rude of him to not respond to a text where I suggested meeting up and said I was unsure where we were at? Now I feel stupid for sending the text and not just letting him initiate the next meeting. What should I do if he gets in touch with me? Still keep things open or end it now?

VictorM's advice:

You shouldn't feel stupid about asking to meet him. You want to keep the channels of communication open, which is a good thing, but he seems to be doing the typical wounded guy routine and reverting to his child-like state. The "little boy" in him is sulking and he's going to let you know that by "having plans" and delaying replies. Guys can become such hopeless piles of bones and flesh when they want sex and don't get it.

Well, look at it this way... if this guy lost interest because you won't sleep with him, which is possible, congratulate yourself for discovering his ruse early on and carrying on knowing he would have been a rotten partner and you're better off for finding out early on.

If he's just sulking, wait a day or two for him to get back to you, but whatever you do, do not act apologetic about your stance. You did nothing wrong and you should be commended for standing your ground on something you believe in. Any man worth anything would be grateful and appreciate you for that.

One thing... if you don't plan to have sex with the guy for a while, you may want to cut down the sleepovers. In some cases that's totally fine, but in this case, if he gets aroused and expects something to happen, you may be fueling temptation far too soon.

Submitted on Friday, December 07, 2007
By Lindsey, ?, from ?:

I went out with a guy and I dumped him. Now, like 1 year later, I am totally in love with him! He used to be in love with me but now he's not. What do I do??? =[

VictorM's advice:

In general, guys can be much less forgiving about being dumped than girls. Once their egos are bruised, they will cut off their nose to spite their face (meaning, they will resist going back to the girl they love because their pride won't allow it). Sometimes they will get back together, but not until they feel they have "punished" you for a while. Letting you know that he doesn't love you anymore could be such a punishment.

I can't blame him for being skeptical. I mean, what changed in a year that you went from dumping him to loving him? Maybe you're just the type of person who wants what she can't get. Now that he's giving you the cold shoulder, he piques your interest. I don't know if that's what he's worried about, but wouldn't surprise me.

You'll need to make a strong effort to win him back. Explain what changed in a year that caused you to fall in love with a guy you dumped, and how much you want him back. And be prepared to say "I'm sorry" quite a few times. Still... I think the odds are against you. He may have indeed moved on.

Submitted on Thursday, December 06, 2007
By Jessica, 23, from Canada:

What is wrong with my guy relationships & ME?

Okay, I have these two really good guy friends of mine. I have known Victor for close to 4 years now. Victor has always liked me and even asked me out a few times; but I always turned him down. We remained good friends up until recently. I started dating Alex in April, things were going really fast, and we were even talking marriage; but by August, I broke up with him. Things were just not working out, and I think maybe because I was spending so much time with Alex, I missed my time with Victor. Alex knew about Victor's crush for me, and how I missed him. When Victor knew I was single again, and knew that I missed him, he started to try and pursue a relationship again. This made Alex really angry as he still had feelings for me. I tried not talking to him, but that led to him threating suidcide, and even said that I didn't treat him like a human being as I was ignoring him. It was a horrible time. During all this time, I was starting to like Victor more, but I knew I couldn't start to date him especiallly after all that happened. I didn't want to hurt Alex more than I had. I told Victor to wait, and he said he would, but he didn't really. I finally agreed with Alex that we would just be friends. That was all good, until one night when a bunch of us went out for a movie and Victor found out that I went out with Alex. Victor freaked on me, and said a lot of mean things. I was still with Alex at the time. I was really upset - Alex tried to comfort me, but this led me to have sex with him. I have never done this before with anyone. Now, Alex thinks we have something, but I don't know how to tell him there's nothing. I've tried previously, but I can't make him believe that I really don't have feelings for him. Alex is very convincing and manipulative. I am so afraid to talk to him, I've been ignoring his calls. He even said that he'll come find me at work if he has to. What should I do? Can I just leave town?

VictorM's advice:

As long as you place the feelings of those guys above yours, you may have to skip town. But really, it's much simpler, practical, and the right thing to do to simple tell Alex, in no uncertain way that you are not in love with him and that the sex that one night means nothing. Plus, tell him that if he comes to your work you will slap him with a restraining order (I'm not even sure you legally have a leg to stand on but I doubt he'll know that anyway).

But you won't do it, will you? You want to make nice with everyone, make sure everyone is happy with you, that no one's feelings get hurt, blah blah blah. Right? But you have been dealing with this your way and let's see... Victor is pissed at you (you should have told him to stop acting like a whinny little child, but you didn't). Alex is pissed at you (because you're afraid of him and won't tell him what he needs to hear). And you're hiding and ready to leave town! Not exactly a successful way to solve personal conflicts.

I'm telling you, being strong and determined will make your life better. Go nuts on them. Call them whinny babies, imbeciles, and tell them you're sick and tired of their manipulative bullshit. Say it all in a screaming tone of voice and curse if you're comfortable with doing it. Those two guys will respect you more and they will either leave you alone or realize that you're not taking their bullshit and play nice.

Submitted on Thursday, December 06, 2007
By Lexie, 18, from Ohio:

How can you tell if a guy is gay or bi?

VictorM's answer:

You can't! Sure, some gays visibly exhibit feminine traits, and of course, those are easy to tell, but otherwise, you can't tell.

I'm aware that some people think of themselves as having a better "gay radar" than others, but it revolves around making stereotypical observations and taking credit when they are right but ignoring the many times they are wrong. The truth is that many heterosexual man trim their beards neatly, dress well, do manicures and pedicures, highlight their hair, cry at the movies, and often can be more into other interests (money, cars, sports, etc.) than females.

And no, just because you like a guy and he doesn't like you doesn't mean that he's gay.

Submitted on Thursday, December 06, 2007
by Anonymous, Teen, from Ontario:

Okay. Here's my problem: I've liked this guy for about five years. Yes, I know, I'm pathetic, and yes, I do need to get over him, but here's the problem: i can't.

When I first started liking him, I was the epitome of flirtatious, and I'm positive that I scared him away. We were on-and-off friends for a while, only really talking when we were together with other friends. Then, we became somewhat better friends, and talking was less awkward.
Here are my issues:

1. He's so sensitive that he's "afraid to mess things up." When people ask him about me, he never responds, even in verbal conversation. He's also sort of a private person, and I know that he worries a lot about EVERYTHING (a quality we have in common, actually :) ). I think he's afraid to ask me out, but I can't be sure.

2. I have heard rumors that he tells other people that he likes me, has liked me for a while, and thinks he probably will continue to like me... but he wants to "wait" until he can "commit to a relationship" in which he will be able to be fair to the girl and give her the attention she "deserves" (which is admirable and compassionate, albeit a little frustrating for me). He's not ready, and I know that I can't force him into anything, because that's not fair to him..... and let's face it: I don't want to mess this up, either. I know it sounds cheesy and very stereotypical-high-school-infatuation, but I really could picture myself in a relationship with him. But he's harder to read than an untranslated version of the Odyssey, and I never, ever know what he's thinking.

3. Unfortunately, I am not the only one who likes him! He has a bunch of friends that are girls that like him a LOT (including one of my unfortunately pretty best friends), and even though he says (to others, of course, never to me) that he doesn't like them, I really don't know what he's thinking. I can understand if he's a bit confused, though.... honestly, I would be, too! But a little insight would be nice...

4. He can never talk to me like he talks to his other friends (girls). Automatically, he's shyer and quieter and awkwarder and more likely to walk away from the conversation.. and I don't know whether or ont it's because he likes me or because he knows I like him! I've tried playing hard-to-get, but that only provokes a miniscule reaction.

It's a bad situation..... I don't want to pressure him into anything because I think he definitely deserves the chance to go out with whoever he wants to and figure things out, but I've gone for a long, long time without even a LITTLE bit of insight. Not once has he talked to me about any of this (I don't think he's ready for that kind of discussion, but hey, I could be wrong), and all I really need is for him to make up his mind or... you know.... tell me how he feels, even if it's not what I was hoping for. As much as I want to move on from him (I know there are other guy friends of mine who like me, and I honestly wish I could like them, too), but this original guy is just sort of sweet and quiet and smart and tragically perfect (I know, I'm disgusting)...

So I really don't know what to do. Do I play hard-to-get and not really talk to him unless he talks to me or tries to start up conversation? Do I flirt? Do I back off? Do I try to confront him?

The last thing I want to do is make him feel uncomfortable or weird or pressured...

and please don't think i'm this suffocating, whining, deplorable, impatient person who can't just wait and see how things play out.... I've waited for quite a while without complaining to anyone, and I'm slightly miserable.

help!

VictorM's advice:

Wow... I'm impressed. You use the word "albeit", made a witty reference to Odyssey, and explained yourself crystal clear. You strike me as the kind of girl that lots of teenage boys would be in awe of to the point of being intimidated. Maybe this guy just doesn't feel confident enough that he's good enough for you.

But that aside, I still think you're dealing with the most common of situations: a teen boy, coming of age about his sexually, having lots of girls around him, knowing that you already like him (meaning, he knows he can have you so he's looking for other challenges), and finding the need to find out how many other girls he can impress.

One of the big differences between most boys and girls in your age group is that girls tend to zero in on their Prince Charming, their "The One", while boys fantasize with orgies with twin sisters and scoring with as many girls as possible.

My advice is for you to neither play hard to get nor to flirt. Do what you can to make him like being around you: be friendly, smile, pay him simple and sincere compliments ("New shirt? I like it"), and talk to him about things you know he's passionate about (music, video games, sports), etc. Make a guy feel funny, smart, and sexy, and he'll be eating out of your hand, no matter how pretty the other girls are. But, don't expect instant results. He will want to explore the other girls and that should be fine. That plays to your advantage. After all, how is he going to learn that you are indeed The One, better than a pair of easy twins?

By Kassi, 25, from South Dakota:

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months....we have talked about marriage and all of that wonderful stuff...he has taken me to jewelry stores to see what I like and I actually found the perfect ring if he were to ever give it to me... he is kind of a penny pincher... so I let him know the ring that I like was 1000 bucks off... he ordered it for me... let me know and just gave it to me.... didn't ask me to marry him... I asked him what it meant to him and he told me it meant that we needed to start planning a wedding... not too romantic... before he gave me my ring I had gotten one for him... it's still on order . What's a great way to give it to him to show that it's a special thing? He already knows I have it coming and he picked it out... but I consider it an engagement band... so I want to show him you don't just give it to a person without making it a special thing just because they already know its coming.

VictorM advice:

Tsk, tsk, tsk... bad, bad Kassi. You don't want to make it special occasion for the sake of it, you want to do it to teach him a lesson. Bad move. Not only will it not be special (more about that below), but it'll totally blow over his head what your intentions are.

Now, about making it a special occasion... your guy is a non-romantic, penny-pinching, practical guy. Let's start with those facts. Then, I have to ask you, you want to make it special for whom, for him or for yourself? Because if the intention is to make it special for him, forget all the big productions that you would consider special. He's a simple guy with simple tastes. Keeping it simple is what he would like.

Kassi, you're engaged with the man that he is, not the man you would like him to be. If anything, he needs to learn what turns you on. If he's not that inquisitive, then you need to train him somewhat. You can mold him a little, but don't go expecting miracles. As I say often, you have to train a guy like you train a puppy: tell him/show him what you'd like him to do, and when he does it, reward him. Do it in a positive tone. Tell him what makes you happy, what makes you sad. Don't tell him what he doesn't do for you, or what he does wrong. That just makes guys defensive; instead of looking to learn, they seek to justify why they do what they do. Instead, always talk about your feelings, what makes you happy and what makes you sad. It will require patience and persistence, but if he's the right guy for you, he'll seek to make you happy and avoid doing the things that make you sad.

Kassi, I encourage you to teach him, but not to teach him a lesson. Keep your gift giving meaningful to him, not to you. After all, isn't that what you want him to learn?

Submitted on Thursday, December 06, 2007
By layton, 16, from somewhere:

So I have been talking to this guy for awhile now and I just don't understand what is going on. I've never liked someone so much but he never talks to me unless we are together. I rarely ever get phone calls, actually never. We never talk online. I just assume when you like someone you want to talk to them. We don't go to the same school but we hang out everyweekend sometimes spend the night together. we haven't had sex, we are waiting till im ready. I'm always told we are so cute together. He is the one who always asks me to hang out he even has ditched his friends for me. He every once in awhile tells me he misses me. I'm pretty sure if he could have it his way he would see me everyday. But I just don't know what he feels and he is super confident so I know he isn't shy or scared. I don't really know what I'm asking, all I know is I need advice. I spend my days just thinking about it.

VictorM's advice:

Your assumption is incorrect when it comes to guys. Many, many guys hate talking on the phone or online. They feel awkward, don't know what to say, and it simply doesn't do anything for them. I know girls are endless thinkers, talkers, and you have your own fantasies of what the perfect boyfriend should be like, but in reality, guys are very simple creatures who live in a very physical world.

I find it odd that you didn't call him your boyfriend, you just referred to him as a guy you have been talking to for a while. You seem to have a very loose friendship with light benefits, not a steady relationship. This, coupled with my explanation above, leads me to believe that it makes perfect sense why he doesn't call you.

You say you don't know what you're asking, but I'm going to assume that you'd like him to call you and to show more interest in you besides the occasional sleeping over. Sounds fair enough. Have you asked him to call you? He may be a lot of wonderful things, but I'm sure he's not a mind reader and at 16 or so, hardly a connoisseur of female preferences. You have to train a guy like you train a puppy: tell him/show him what you'd like him to do, and when he does it, reward him.

Just whatever you do, do not make the mistake that so many girls make by putting the guy on the defensive by saying something like: "you never call me." Instead, say it with a positive encouragement tone: "I'd love to hear from you during the week."

Submitted on Thursday, December 06, 2007
By Jules, 40, from London:

Hello Mr Real Guy! I have a question about a man 10 years younger who says he cannot take the relationship seriously as I am 'older'. Our relationship has been on and off for 2 years. It ended when he got a job in London in April this year. However, I felt so lonely after he left (Germany) that I followed him. But also knowing that even if it did not work out with us I would find my way here. I must say it is working as I wished... I am feeling strong, beautiful, and focused like never before. I have my self-esteem back! The irony is that it did not work out for him here in London and he has gone back to Germany with his 'tail between his legs'. It would seem that the high expectations he has of everyone he cannot fulfill himself. However, I am very grateful because I have found myself through him and because of that I still adore and love him. I am trying to keep a bit of a connection between us because I wish that one day he will realise and we might have a normal relationship. In the meantime, I am dating other men (no sleeping around, though) and enjoying their attention. But none of them compare to HIM...looks etc. He really is a gorgeous guy and I have no doubt that other girls find him very attractive. But then I am his dream girl: creative, sporty, and very good looking with a very sexy body!!! Even if I may say so myself! Do you think there is anything I can do about this? I would be very grateful for your answer! Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

You obviously buy his excuse that the only reason you're not together is because of the age difference. I don't buy it. What's more plausible is that you're not as much his dream girl as you think you are. Oh sure, you can go down the superficial list and meet his requirements, but there must be something else that you come up short on for him to be willing to walk away from you. I'm not saying that 10 years difference isn't a deterrent, I'm sure it is, but it is so only because there's something else lacking that doesn't make it worth his while to overcome the age difference, otherwise, he would.

Contrast his case with yours. You have found flaws in the man but you are willing to overcome those flaws because of his looks. Clearly you like him enough to not allow his shortcomings to stand in the way. He doesn't feel the same way about you and your age.

Hey, you like the guy for his looks and I'm guessing, his vitality. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you're going to be trading in that commodity, why should he deal with you when he can find girls half your age who offer more (I don't care how great you look, you'd be hard pressed to match some of the better looking 20-somethings out there, and even if you wanted to argue that point, you can't argue that your looks will fade quicker than a 20-something). Bottom line is, if looks is the currency you want to use, you are a bad investment.

I'm sure you have other things to offer that younger girls don't, but he's not in the market for those qualities. Even if you were 20-something now, you're still not the one he dreams of.

Keep looking in London. It may take a while, but you're more likely to find happiness there than with the guy in Germany.

Submitted on Thursday, December 06, 2007
By ann marie, 20, from new york:

I met this guy Dave a couple of months ago in September at our friend Angelo's apartment. At first, we just started talking and flirting with one another and by the end of the night we were hooking up (no sex, etc) and exchanged numbers. I figured it was just a one-time thing but the next day he texted me and said what a great time he had and that he couldn't wait to see me again. We talked for hours, and still do, almost everyday/night on the phone, IM, or text messaging. I've sleptover his house a few times and we've continually hooked up (still no sex, etc). Recently, I told him my feelings towards him and he said he felt the same way and that he wants to give "us" a try- but I don't know what that means. And the other problem is that he seemed to be under the influence both of the times that I've been to his house. Dave also wants to take me to the city for Christmas to see the tree but had to include that he wants to get "drunk" beforehand. I don't know if it's just me but it seems like he's afraid to hang out with me sober and is only comfortable around me when he's under the influence. Is this normal?

VictorM's advice:

It's normal only if you're a drunk, which he is.

This guys seems like a load of trouble. Don't let your judgment be clouded, don't make excuses, don't think it's only a phase, don't allow yourself to be pulled into a bad situation thinking that you can help -- you can't! It's over your head.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 05, 2007
By Jae, 21, from usa:

I'm 21 and my guy is 36, he's every bit of what I'm looking for in a man. I've brought his age up him being 15 years older than I, to a few family members. Some said "see where things go" and others said "stick to guys my age" in which their main problem with me is I'm small chested and wanting to be in a serious relationship, which I got going for me with my 36 year old guy. Please help me, do I stay with my 36 year old or stick with guys in their 20's?

VictorM's advice:

If you're happy with Mister 36 why would you give that up? Fifteen years difference is quite a bit when you're 21 but as you get older that difference becomes less and less meaningful. Couples with that kind of age difference are not that uncommon. They make it work and so can you.

I say keep grandpa around. :)

Submitted on Wednesday, December 05, 2007
By Syona:

There is this guy, he's pretty cute and really popular. I'm not. All the friends we have in common say he likes me, I just want to know if its true- we talk occasionally, but mostly because he comes home a lot because my brother is his best friend. In our country, we have one class room, and the different teachers come in after the bell. We're in different classes, but he seems to hang around our class a lot. Whenever I go to meet my best friend (who is in his class) he seems to go red, but it's really hot here so it might be because of that. I'm really confused, I want to clarify these rumors once and for all. Please help me.
-- Syona

VictorM's advice:

Sounds like he may like you but it's hard to say based on the information you provided. It could also be that he does like you but is not willing to do anything about it, for a variety of reasons such as: he doesn't want to upset your brother, he also likes other girls, etc.

What you want to look for is changed behavior around you. Does he behave differently around you than when you're not around? And does he treat you differently than he treats other girls?

Submitted on Wednesday, December 05, 2007
By Rebecca, 20, from MN:

Is it possible for guys to be friends after a break-up or is it pointless to hope for?

VictorM's answer:

It's possible but it's not a good idea. Even if you no longer have feelings for each other, the egos can be easily bruised when the other person gets a new partner. If one still has feelings for the other, hanging out together spells disaster when a new lover enters the scene. And even if the two exes are fine with being friends, there's a chance that the new boyfriend or girlfriend becomes jealous of the partner's ex.

If you break-up, the best thing to do is to be civil with each other but find new friends.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 05, 2007
By Sarah, 23, from new York:

What do guys really think about large labias? Does it really matter to guy if the sex is good?
Thanx , hope to hear an honest answer.

VictorM's advice:

By definition, labia could be the lips around your mouth or your vagina. Since you linked the question to sex, I'm going to assume you meant vaginal lips.

This is a very individual type preference but for most guys, unless the lips are so large that they have their own zip code, most opinions go from not caring about size to finding larger lips sexy. The reason why guys find it sexy is simple: most guys like the feminine body parts to be very distinguishable. Vagina labia fits in the same category as breasts and butts -- within reason, the larger the better.

Submitted on Wednesday, December 05, 2007
By Bridget, 26, from NY:

Hi Victor. Thanks for the