Friday, November 30, 2007
We were really drunk and we hooked up
Submitted on Tuesday, November 27, 2007
By emily, 18, from NJ:
I had a crush on my close guy friend for a long time and it seemed like he liked me too. My friends thought he did, his friends thought he did, people would always ask me if we were dating, ect. A few weeks ago we were really drunk and we hooked up. He was really sweet, he stayed over in my dorm. The next night I stayed in his dorm, we were sober that night. I talked to him and we both decided a transition from friends to more would have to be gradual, but we haven't hooked up in a long time. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
When you agreed that a getting in romantic relationship with each other would be gradual, it means there is no relationship yet and as such, no "hooking up". I think he's just living to his end of the deal.
But I also think the mutually agreed "gradual" process was bullshit. Really, it was a way to avoid hurting the other's feelings. Come on, after knowing each other so well, if you both wanted a relationship you would have jumped right on it. Sounds to me like neither one of you really wants it but won't admit it.
By emily, 18, from NJ:
I had a crush on my close guy friend for a long time and it seemed like he liked me too. My friends thought he did, his friends thought he did, people would always ask me if we were dating, ect. A few weeks ago we were really drunk and we hooked up. He was really sweet, he stayed over in my dorm. The next night I stayed in his dorm, we were sober that night. I talked to him and we both decided a transition from friends to more would have to be gradual, but we haven't hooked up in a long time. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
When you agreed that a getting in romantic relationship with each other would be gradual, it means there is no relationship yet and as such, no "hooking up". I think he's just living to his end of the deal.
But I also think the mutually agreed "gradual" process was bullshit. Really, it was a way to avoid hurting the other's feelings. Come on, after knowing each other so well, if you both wanted a relationship you would have jumped right on it. Sounds to me like neither one of you really wants it but won't admit it.
He was unfaithful to me many times
Submitted on Tuesday, November 27, 2007
By Luisa Mitchell, 23, from Alabama:
I dated this guy for years and he was unfaithful to me many times. On one occasion, he cheated on me, got a girl pregnant, and later married her without telling me (I had to find out from someone else). I have moved on and I have even told him never to email me or keep in touch. He still keeps in touch with my family and he claims to my siblings that he's mad I won't talk to him anymore. He asks about me all the time and he claims that he only married the girl because she was pregnant. He's been married for over a year now, but he still keeps asking about me. What's the deal?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he's a serial cheater. Cheating on his wife sounds like the kind of thing he's do without losing a minute of sleep. Why you? Because since he can't have you, you've become a worthy challenge. His interest in you is not genuine; it's all about accomplishing his selfish wants. You're a prize he would like to claim.
Watch out. People like him are very patient and very persistent.
By Luisa Mitchell, 23, from Alabama:
I dated this guy for years and he was unfaithful to me many times. On one occasion, he cheated on me, got a girl pregnant, and later married her without telling me (I had to find out from someone else). I have moved on and I have even told him never to email me or keep in touch. He still keeps in touch with my family and he claims to my siblings that he's mad I won't talk to him anymore. He asks about me all the time and he claims that he only married the girl because she was pregnant. He's been married for over a year now, but he still keeps asking about me. What's the deal?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he's a serial cheater. Cheating on his wife sounds like the kind of thing he's do without losing a minute of sleep. Why you? Because since he can't have you, you've become a worthy challenge. His interest in you is not genuine; it's all about accomplishing his selfish wants. You're a prize he would like to claim.
Watch out. People like him are very patient and very persistent.
This week hes been acting even weirder!
Submitted on Tuesday, November 27, 2007
By Vicky, 19, from Hertz:
Ok so theres this guy who has suddenly begun to act REALLY weird around me..last week he told someone who was trying to get us together (cos they could sense the chemistry) that he had a girlfriend...and this week I kinda backed off cos I'd heard that. But he always seems to be flirting and trying to chat up other girls whenever I can see him, but I've heard he doesn't act that way when I'm not around. We're in the same class but this week he's been acting even weirder! He's constantly being horrible to me and insulting me for no apparent reason. At first I knew he was joking but he keeps doing it now. Then yesterday he winked at me while no one else was looking and then carried on like nothing had happened. It's like he wants a reaction but today he implied that I was chasing him in front of all of MY guy friends that he has suddenly become best friends with. It was really hurtful and I stopped talking to him for a while but then he tried making me smile later on and getting my attention. I don't get it...why is this guy acting so weird around me?? He rings me to meet up with me during uni times but then he's constantly being mean. WHY??
VictorM's advice:
Because he's a weird guy! I mean, come on, how many bizarre things does a guy have to do before you conclude that he's "not all there"? His behavior would be normal if he was 11 years old. But he's not. He's just a weird guy. They exist. Not everyone comes out of the factory in working order.
Do you ever pass by old people in the street talking to themselves? They weren't always like that. Many of them were acting weird with girls back in school.
It's not easy to rationally explain irrational behavior, so I'll just say: Keep your distance.
By Vicky, 19, from Hertz:
Ok so theres this guy who has suddenly begun to act REALLY weird around me..last week he told someone who was trying to get us together (cos they could sense the chemistry) that he had a girlfriend...and this week I kinda backed off cos I'd heard that. But he always seems to be flirting and trying to chat up other girls whenever I can see him, but I've heard he doesn't act that way when I'm not around. We're in the same class but this week he's been acting even weirder! He's constantly being horrible to me and insulting me for no apparent reason. At first I knew he was joking but he keeps doing it now. Then yesterday he winked at me while no one else was looking and then carried on like nothing had happened. It's like he wants a reaction but today he implied that I was chasing him in front of all of MY guy friends that he has suddenly become best friends with. It was really hurtful and I stopped talking to him for a while but then he tried making me smile later on and getting my attention. I don't get it...why is this guy acting so weird around me?? He rings me to meet up with me during uni times but then he's constantly being mean. WHY??
VictorM's advice:
Because he's a weird guy! I mean, come on, how many bizarre things does a guy have to do before you conclude that he's "not all there"? His behavior would be normal if he was 11 years old. But he's not. He's just a weird guy. They exist. Not everyone comes out of the factory in working order.
Do you ever pass by old people in the street talking to themselves? They weren't always like that. Many of them were acting weird with girls back in school.
It's not easy to rationally explain irrational behavior, so I'll just say: Keep your distance.
When we are together he is lovey dovey
Submitted on Tuesday, November 27, 2007
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
OK, I'm really confused here. I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now we haven't been physical yet. When we are together he is lovey dovey, calls me baby, and is the sweetest guy around. We went to a big club event and he was all over me and cuddling on the bus home. I went on bebo and saw his profile pic was one from in the club and he was with a blonde half clothed girl and named it 'the legend does it again.' I'm not too happy about it but we are only seeing each other but he must have taken the picture when I was away or something. Am I over reacting??
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are overreacting. Big time.
So he's a typically immature guy that still needs to brag to his pals, so what? Worry when you have sex for the first time and the "legend" tells all his buddies about it. But a picture with half-clothed blond girl? Overreacting!
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
OK, I'm really confused here. I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now we haven't been physical yet. When we are together he is lovey dovey, calls me baby, and is the sweetest guy around. We went to a big club event and he was all over me and cuddling on the bus home. I went on bebo and saw his profile pic was one from in the club and he was with a blonde half clothed girl and named it 'the legend does it again.' I'm not too happy about it but we are only seeing each other but he must have taken the picture when I was away or something. Am I over reacting??
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are overreacting. Big time.
So he's a typically immature guy that still needs to brag to his pals, so what? Worry when you have sex for the first time and the "legend" tells all his buddies about it. But a picture with half-clothed blond girl? Overreacting!
A lot of things tell me he likes me
Submitted on Monday, November 26, 2007
By Brittany, 19, from New Jersey:
Hey, I was just wondering if you could help me a little. I have this guy best friend, and a lot of things tell me he likes me, yet he'll talk about how some girls hott - or like we were siting in my car for 2 hours just talking and laughing about everything, and he's like "I just want to be happy with someone" and it's like I can't say- "oh what about me" cause that's passing our friend border, but the way he always texts me, calls me toots, pookie, and he's always doing adorable gestures, and rubbed my lips while we were just chilling on a couch one time, like it seems he might like me more then our best friendship but it's hard to tell cause maybe I miss the signs? Some sexual things are always mentioned but always in a joking matter because he's sarcastic. But theres definitely sexual tension a lot. Is there a way I can tell if he likes me more then a friend but is scared to tell me? Or am I misreading his actions as just being my guy best friend...? I mean, if he's talking to me about other girls and such, is that bad even though they were past relationships? I don't know.. thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Pookie? :)
Doesn't matter that he talks about other girls, unless you're a lap dog that learned how to type, this guy likes you. But that doesn't mean he's ready to take a chance, not yet anyway. As it is, he can enjoy your company without the pressures of a relationship. Sure, he's not getting all the benefits, but that could be fine for him, for now.
If you want to prompt a move on his part, start acting less like a buddy and more like a typical girl. What I mean is, start treating him like a guy you would like to date. Dress sexier, wear more makeup, stand closer to him, etc. Do things you would do with a guy you like who isn't your best friend.
Hey, I was just wondering if you could help me a little. I have this guy best friend, and a lot of things tell me he likes me, yet he'll talk about how some girls hott - or like we were siting in my car for 2 hours just talking and laughing about everything, and he's like "I just want to be happy with someone" and it's like I can't say- "oh what about me" cause that's passing our friend border, but the way he always texts me, calls me toots, pookie, and he's always doing adorable gestures, and rubbed my lips while we were just chilling on a couch one time, like it seems he might like me more then our best friendship but it's hard to tell cause maybe I miss the signs? Some sexual things are always mentioned but always in a joking matter because he's sarcastic. But theres definitely sexual tension a lot. Is there a way I can tell if he likes me more then a friend but is scared to tell me? Or am I misreading his actions as just being my guy best friend...? I mean, if he's talking to me about other girls and such, is that bad even though they were past relationships? I don't know.. thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Pookie? :)
Doesn't matter that he talks about other girls, unless you're a lap dog that learned how to type, this guy likes you. But that doesn't mean he's ready to take a chance, not yet anyway. As it is, he can enjoy your company without the pressures of a relationship. Sure, he's not getting all the benefits, but that could be fine for him, for now.
If you want to prompt a move on his part, start acting less like a buddy and more like a typical girl. What I mean is, start treating him like a guy you would like to date. Dress sexier, wear more makeup, stand closer to him, etc. Do things you would do with a guy you like who isn't your best friend.
He says he hates the phone
Submitted on Monday, November 26, 2007
By Anna, 24, from US:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. Between commuting and work he leaves at 6am from his house and gets home at 8pm. He doesn't call unless I ask him to. We talk for 20 minutes online a night, he then goes and watches tv or reads information online, sends me a message saying goodnight and I love you and then the process repeats. We used to talk all the time, now he says he hates the phone, that with his hectic work schedule he wants alone time but I get mad because we only see each other on the weekends. Is he giving me a garbage excuse?
VictorM's advice:
It's neither an excuse nor garbage. He really hates talking on the phone and he really needs time alone.
So he used to talk on the phone all the time and now he doesn't. Let me ask you, do you still enjoy playing with dolls? Come on, we all outgrow stuff at one time or another. When you first started dating there was a lot to know about the other, but after a while, you've pretty much told each other every story there is to tell. Forget looking for phone calls for a lifetime. In fact, that you used to talk "all the time" is what sounds unnatural.
And try to deal with your anger. This getting mad bullshit really doesn't make you pleasant company. When you have less time together, make it quality time. Use the rest of the time to get acquainted with great literature, catch up on politics, learn to knit, practice yoga, call your mom, or just plain relax.
By Anna, 24, from US:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. Between commuting and work he leaves at 6am from his house and gets home at 8pm. He doesn't call unless I ask him to. We talk for 20 minutes online a night, he then goes and watches tv or reads information online, sends me a message saying goodnight and I love you and then the process repeats. We used to talk all the time, now he says he hates the phone, that with his hectic work schedule he wants alone time but I get mad because we only see each other on the weekends. Is he giving me a garbage excuse?
VictorM's advice:
It's neither an excuse nor garbage. He really hates talking on the phone and he really needs time alone.
So he used to talk on the phone all the time and now he doesn't. Let me ask you, do you still enjoy playing with dolls? Come on, we all outgrow stuff at one time or another. When you first started dating there was a lot to know about the other, but after a while, you've pretty much told each other every story there is to tell. Forget looking for phone calls for a lifetime. In fact, that you used to talk "all the time" is what sounds unnatural.
And try to deal with your anger. This getting mad bullshit really doesn't make you pleasant company. When you have less time together, make it quality time. Use the rest of the time to get acquainted with great literature, catch up on politics, learn to knit, practice yoga, call your mom, or just plain relax.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Confidential To Annonymous
You crack me up. :) I'm being cryptic on purpose. I hope you understand which points I'm addressing.
If I refer to the girls I dated (past tense), I'm not including the girl I'm currently dating.
He might have realized that if you took exception to something that maybe other people could feel the same way if they came across the same information. So his action may have been triggered by your comments but not targeted at you. Women far too regularly place themselves at the center of a guy's universe when in reality, there are other people and other motivations in his life.
We all have moments of doubt or insecurity. Those personal thoughts, taken out of context, can be easily misunderstood. Sometimes, under certain moods or personal conditions, we have thoughts that we may not share 99% of the time. And sometimes, we just choose poorly worded ways of expressing ourselves. Give him some slack there.
Being where he has been emotionally, he's taking solid steps to get to you know better. But it's a slow process, and one that he may even be afraid to accelerate.
If I refer to the girls I dated (past tense), I'm not including the girl I'm currently dating.
He might have realized that if you took exception to something that maybe other people could feel the same way if they came across the same information. So his action may have been triggered by your comments but not targeted at you. Women far too regularly place themselves at the center of a guy's universe when in reality, there are other people and other motivations in his life.
We all have moments of doubt or insecurity. Those personal thoughts, taken out of context, can be easily misunderstood. Sometimes, under certain moods or personal conditions, we have thoughts that we may not share 99% of the time. And sometimes, we just choose poorly worded ways of expressing ourselves. Give him some slack there.
Being where he has been emotionally, he's taking solid steps to get to you know better. But it's a slow process, and one that he may even be afraid to accelerate.
He just acts like a friend
Submitted on Monday, November 26, 2007
By Kaetlynn, 13, from Maine:
What does it mean if a guy you spend a lot of time with acts overly flirty with you whenever your friends are around, but other times when it's more one on one, he just acts like a friend?
VictorM's answer:
It means he's responding to peer pressure. Boys around your age are under enormous pressure by their friends to show that they're manly.
By Kaetlynn, 13, from Maine:
What does it mean if a guy you spend a lot of time with acts overly flirty with you whenever your friends are around, but other times when it's more one on one, he just acts like a friend?
VictorM's answer:
It means he's responding to peer pressure. Boys around your age are under enormous pressure by their friends to show that they're manly.
First love
Submitted on Monday, November 26, 2007
By Sophie, 20, from Canada:
How can you forget about your first "LOVE"?
VictorM's answer:
When you find your next "LOVE", the first one will fade away.
How can you forget about your first "LOVE"?
VictorM's answer:
When you find your next "LOVE", the first one will fade away.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Can he hate me and worry about me at the same time?
Submitted on Monday, November 26, 2007
By Anne, 17, from California:
My boyfriend of nine months broke up with me last May... because "he couldn't be in a relationship". He said he still liked me but just couldn't be with me. I think it may be because he thought I was very unhappy and he thought he was a bad boyfriend (he has extremely low self esteem), but either way the reasons were never really clear and we never really got any closure at all. He insisted on staying friends because he said I was the closest he's ever been with anyone.
A month later, I was raped. I really struggled with this obviously. I told some of my girlfriends and they got me help, and then I told my exboyfriend. He was extremely upset but also very supportive. He told me he loved me and almost kissed me, but we did not end up getting back together. He gradually got more and more distant from me and when I asked him why he said it was because he felt responsible for the rape and couldn't deal with the guilt, but would be there if I needed him.
He did not react well when I finally did start getting interested in other people. He basically stood over my shoulder as I spoke to them and told everyone who asked that I had "no chance" with whomever I was intesrested in at the time. He wouldn't talk to me about this when I called him out on it.
Finally, I decided I just couldn't be friends with him. I was still intesrested in him and it hurt too much to pretend I wasn't. He had changed a lot since we'd broken up, he became very mean to most people and generally disagreeable and seemed depressed. I worried about him, but couldn't stay close with him, so I slowly backed out of his life until we never spoke or hung out at all.
However, since we share a group of friends, we sometimes end up in the same place. The other day he left a party because he told one of my friends he "couldn't stand me" especially around certain people, and would not hang out with his friends unless I wasn't there. I don't understand this really because I am generally quiet and that day I was very happy... No one else seemed to have a problem with my behavior.
Later that night he found out I was sleeping over a girlfriend's house and called her up to ask if I was okay, because I usually only sleep over people's houses when something is wrong and he knew my rapist would be home for Thanksgiving. My girlfriend said he was very concerned. He was concerned about me, however again today he refused to hang out with me. I don't understand at all. Can he hate me and worry about me at the same time? Can you just help me understand what could be going through his head? And what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
This sounds like a classic case of "if I can't have her no one else can" kinda thing. How do I explain that behavior? Simple: greed!
He's greedy when he leaves you just because he can't handle you. He's greedy when he puts you down (saying you don't stand a chance with guys) just so he can feel a better. He's greedy when he leaves a party just because you're happy. Above all he's greedy because he can't stand to know that you can be doing well considering all the things that happened to you, yet he's grumpy and miserable.
Greedy people don't just want to have things themselves; they don't want others to have them. Whether it's money, cars, houses, or happiness, greedy people want to be the only ones having them. Greed gnaws a person from the inside, hence him becoming "very mean to most people and generally disagreeable."
Does he hate you? No. Does he care for you? No. It's all about him. Want another example? Instead of just showing support about your rape, he blamed himself for it. Even in an extreme case like that, he wanted the attention shifted to himself. I don't mean to suggest he's a rotten person. I'm sure he was bothered by what happened to you, but everything becomes about him.
You talk about closure. How can he give you closure when he doesn't know exactly why he does what he does? He stopped seeing you because you're more self-assured than he is, you're happier than he is, and you're an all around better person than he is. You even handled your own adversity better than he did. You have closure, Anne: his greed couldn't handle someone like you.
My boyfriend of nine months broke up with me last May... because "he couldn't be in a relationship". He said he still liked me but just couldn't be with me. I think it may be because he thought I was very unhappy and he thought he was a bad boyfriend (he has extremely low self esteem), but either way the reasons were never really clear and we never really got any closure at all. He insisted on staying friends because he said I was the closest he's ever been with anyone.
A month later, I was raped. I really struggled with this obviously. I told some of my girlfriends and they got me help, and then I told my exboyfriend. He was extremely upset but also very supportive. He told me he loved me and almost kissed me, but we did not end up getting back together. He gradually got more and more distant from me and when I asked him why he said it was because he felt responsible for the rape and couldn't deal with the guilt, but would be there if I needed him.
He did not react well when I finally did start getting interested in other people. He basically stood over my shoulder as I spoke to them and told everyone who asked that I had "no chance" with whomever I was intesrested in at the time. He wouldn't talk to me about this when I called him out on it.
Finally, I decided I just couldn't be friends with him. I was still intesrested in him and it hurt too much to pretend I wasn't. He had changed a lot since we'd broken up, he became very mean to most people and generally disagreeable and seemed depressed. I worried about him, but couldn't stay close with him, so I slowly backed out of his life until we never spoke or hung out at all.
However, since we share a group of friends, we sometimes end up in the same place. The other day he left a party because he told one of my friends he "couldn't stand me" especially around certain people, and would not hang out with his friends unless I wasn't there. I don't understand this really because I am generally quiet and that day I was very happy... No one else seemed to have a problem with my behavior.
Later that night he found out I was sleeping over a girlfriend's house and called her up to ask if I was okay, because I usually only sleep over people's houses when something is wrong and he knew my rapist would be home for Thanksgiving. My girlfriend said he was very concerned. He was concerned about me, however again today he refused to hang out with me. I don't understand at all. Can he hate me and worry about me at the same time? Can you just help me understand what could be going through his head? And what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
This sounds like a classic case of "if I can't have her no one else can" kinda thing. How do I explain that behavior? Simple: greed!
He's greedy when he leaves you just because he can't handle you. He's greedy when he puts you down (saying you don't stand a chance with guys) just so he can feel a better. He's greedy when he leaves a party just because you're happy. Above all he's greedy because he can't stand to know that you can be doing well considering all the things that happened to you, yet he's grumpy and miserable.
Greedy people don't just want to have things themselves; they don't want others to have them. Whether it's money, cars, houses, or happiness, greedy people want to be the only ones having them. Greed gnaws a person from the inside, hence him becoming "very mean to most people and generally disagreeable."
Does he hate you? No. Does he care for you? No. It's all about him. Want another example? Instead of just showing support about your rape, he blamed himself for it. Even in an extreme case like that, he wanted the attention shifted to himself. I don't mean to suggest he's a rotten person. I'm sure he was bothered by what happened to you, but everything becomes about him.
You talk about closure. How can he give you closure when he doesn't know exactly why he does what he does? He stopped seeing you because you're more self-assured than he is, you're happier than he is, and you're an all around better person than he is. You even handled your own adversity better than he did. You have closure, Anne: his greed couldn't handle someone like you.
I am just wondering if I am doing right or wrong
Submitted on Monday, November 26, 2007
By Uda, 30:
Hi, I am just wondering if I am doing right or wrong. Please advise! I am seeing a man for one month now. One night, he asked me to come over to his place. I said "next time" to him because I was tired that night, but he really wanted to see me so I finally accepted his invitation. After I went to his place, he kept me waiting almost two hours before he got home. This is not the first time. Every time he keeps me waiting and I hate it. Every time I call him up and ask him when he will be back home. He always says in ten mintues, but never makes it in ten minutes. So I was mad that night and I ran away. I know he is a busy person but does it mean he doesn't care about me at all?
VictorM's advice:
It doesn't mean he doesn't care, but it does mean he's irresponsible, disrespectful, and takes you for granted. You have to decide if those are personality traits that you can live with or not. Just be aware that if he's like that this early in the relationship, it's only going to get worse. And stop making excuses for his behavior. Being busy and being irresponsible with other people's time are mutually exclusive behaviors.
I think it's good that you didn't wait. In fact, you should stop waiting for more than just a few minutes. But, let me ask you, why don't you ask him to call you when he gets home, and only then leave your house? Let him be the one waiting for you. And if he takes too long, say you're not going.
It's possible that he'll change if you train him properly, but don't get your hopes too high.
Hi, I am just wondering if I am doing right or wrong. Please advise! I am seeing a man for one month now. One night, he asked me to come over to his place. I said "next time" to him because I was tired that night, but he really wanted to see me so I finally accepted his invitation. After I went to his place, he kept me waiting almost two hours before he got home. This is not the first time. Every time he keeps me waiting and I hate it. Every time I call him up and ask him when he will be back home. He always says in ten mintues, but never makes it in ten minutes. So I was mad that night and I ran away. I know he is a busy person but does it mean he doesn't care about me at all?
VictorM's advice:
It doesn't mean he doesn't care, but it does mean he's irresponsible, disrespectful, and takes you for granted. You have to decide if those are personality traits that you can live with or not. Just be aware that if he's like that this early in the relationship, it's only going to get worse. And stop making excuses for his behavior. Being busy and being irresponsible with other people's time are mutually exclusive behaviors.
I think it's good that you didn't wait. In fact, you should stop waiting for more than just a few minutes. But, let me ask you, why don't you ask him to call you when he gets home, and only then leave your house? Let him be the one waiting for you. And if he takes too long, say you're not going.
It's possible that he'll change if you train him properly, but don't get your hopes too high.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Rawr! I'm utterly perplexed
Submitted on Sunday, November 25, 2007
By Malika, 24, from WI:
Rawr! I'm utterly perplexed. I have the major jones for a guy. When we hang out, which is once a week or so, we are always tickling each other, or smacking each others' butts, or needing to be touching each other in some form or fashion. He's very shy and still has never kissed a girl, which makes me nervous to "make the first move." First of all, I'm confused if he's interested in me, how do I know? Are there clues to cue in on? Secondly, how do guys feel about a girl making the first move? And how do I go about doing it (keep in mind his timidness)?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he's interested. You think he does all the touching and tickling just because he appreciates your brains or because of your goodness inside? Come on. You give him a woody each time you guys play around like that! :)
This is what you do... next time you two are alone and some flirting goes on, just ask him to stand up, then stand in front of him less than a foot apart, look at him and say: "Kiss me, you fool". Then lean in with your lips slightly puckered.
I've been giving this advice every time a question like this comes up. I doubt that anyone has ever followed it. So go ahead and try it and let us know how it turned out. I bet you it's gonna be great!
Rawr! I'm utterly perplexed. I have the major jones for a guy. When we hang out, which is once a week or so, we are always tickling each other, or smacking each others' butts, or needing to be touching each other in some form or fashion. He's very shy and still has never kissed a girl, which makes me nervous to "make the first move." First of all, I'm confused if he's interested in me, how do I know? Are there clues to cue in on? Secondly, how do guys feel about a girl making the first move? And how do I go about doing it (keep in mind his timidness)?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he's interested. You think he does all the touching and tickling just because he appreciates your brains or because of your goodness inside? Come on. You give him a woody each time you guys play around like that! :)
This is what you do... next time you two are alone and some flirting goes on, just ask him to stand up, then stand in front of him less than a foot apart, look at him and say: "Kiss me, you fool". Then lean in with your lips slightly puckered.
I've been giving this advice every time a question like this comes up. I doubt that anyone has ever followed it. So go ahead and try it and let us know how it turned out. I bet you it's gonna be great!
He had been in love with a married woman for 9 years
Submitted on Sunday, November 25, 2007
By Susan, 40, from Alabama:
The guy I've been seeing for a year recently told me that he had been in love with a married woman for 9 years. She has only recently started talking about leaving. (My personal thoughts are that she figured out he wasn't sitting at home and waiting for her to call). She calls him 6 times a day and he sees her whenever she decides she can come to see him. He told me if she wasn't in the picture and he hadn't been involved with her for so long it would be different with us. I asked him what that meant, and he said he needed some space...what does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's not into you, he's done pretending that he is, and you're history.
Better luck next time.
By Susan, 40, from Alabama:
The guy I've been seeing for a year recently told me that he had been in love with a married woman for 9 years. She has only recently started talking about leaving. (My personal thoughts are that she figured out he wasn't sitting at home and waiting for her to call). She calls him 6 times a day and he sees her whenever she decides she can come to see him. He told me if she wasn't in the picture and he hadn't been involved with her for so long it would be different with us. I asked him what that meant, and he said he needed some space...what does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's not into you, he's done pretending that he is, and you're history.
Better luck next time.
People say we should be personality twins
Submitted on Sunday, November 25, 2007
By Sandy, 26, asks:
Okay, so does it sound as though this guy likes me or not? We speak daily and have been on several dates. There is a "flirtiness" to the way that we act with each other. We tell each other nearly everything. We have just about EVERYTHING in common, so much so that people say we should be personality twins. When we go out he insists on paying, opening doors, that type of thing. When it was cold out on our last date, he offered me his jacket. Yesterday we had plans, but due to no reservations could not get into where we wanted to go so he suggested instead that we go out with his group as he has wanted me to meet his friends anyways. I took that as a good sign. He had mentioned having me meet them once before. (The group we met up with consisted of very important people to him, including his best friends since preschool) Long story short, it went extraordinarally well! Obviously everyone there was under the impression that we were on a date, as I assume we were too. They wanted to take pictures of me and him together and asked the questions such as "where did you 2 meet?" Also one of them referred to me as the guy I was with's date. I noticed that he was slightly less flirty than usual in front of his friends, but still so sweet and incredible to me. He is not extremely flirty anyways, usually it's little subtle things or comments. My gut says he was probably just being a bit shy towards me in front of them, as he is shy in general. Several times throughout the date, we broke away from the group to spend time on our own. We also left on our own. After about 5 dates with him now, (about) he has not made a move on me....such as tried to kiss me. We always end with a hug, which is fine, but my brother seems to think most guys would have tried for a kiss by now. He asked if I had a good time, and suggested that we get together again soon, and that next time we should try to make it just the two of us. So what do you think...is he interested? I think a lot of what he does implies yes, but am startled by some of his hesitation. On the other hand, although I really do like him, I am not even entirely certain that I am ready to kiss him at this point. But I wondered if the lack of an attempt at a kiss at this point seemed unusual, or am I perhaps just over-reading it? We have been good friends for about 4 months now, like I said, in touch pretty much daily.
VictorM's advice:
This guy really likes you and he's in no rush to speed up the courting phase. Most guys like to take things slow, giving themselves enough time to get to know the girl and sweep her off her feet in the process. He's doing it at a pace that seems consistent with a guy who really likes the girl and does not want to spoil it or rush it. On top of it, is also shy. Further, maybe he is picking up on your vibes that you may not be ready for kissing him yet. Don't discount that maybe he knows you better than you even imagine.
I know that most guys would say that they would have tried to kiss you already, but that's just the way guys talk anyway (your brother is no different). Don't listen. Enjoy this guy, and enjoy the slow pace of things. When you do kiss, it's going to be awesome!
Okay, so does it sound as though this guy likes me or not? We speak daily and have been on several dates. There is a "flirtiness" to the way that we act with each other. We tell each other nearly everything. We have just about EVERYTHING in common, so much so that people say we should be personality twins. When we go out he insists on paying, opening doors, that type of thing. When it was cold out on our last date, he offered me his jacket. Yesterday we had plans, but due to no reservations could not get into where we wanted to go so he suggested instead that we go out with his group as he has wanted me to meet his friends anyways. I took that as a good sign. He had mentioned having me meet them once before. (The group we met up with consisted of very important people to him, including his best friends since preschool) Long story short, it went extraordinarally well! Obviously everyone there was under the impression that we were on a date, as I assume we were too. They wanted to take pictures of me and him together and asked the questions such as "where did you 2 meet?" Also one of them referred to me as the guy I was with's date. I noticed that he was slightly less flirty than usual in front of his friends, but still so sweet and incredible to me. He is not extremely flirty anyways, usually it's little subtle things or comments. My gut says he was probably just being a bit shy towards me in front of them, as he is shy in general. Several times throughout the date, we broke away from the group to spend time on our own. We also left on our own. After about 5 dates with him now, (about) he has not made a move on me....such as tried to kiss me. We always end with a hug, which is fine, but my brother seems to think most guys would have tried for a kiss by now. He asked if I had a good time, and suggested that we get together again soon, and that next time we should try to make it just the two of us. So what do you think...is he interested? I think a lot of what he does implies yes, but am startled by some of his hesitation. On the other hand, although I really do like him, I am not even entirely certain that I am ready to kiss him at this point. But I wondered if the lack of an attempt at a kiss at this point seemed unusual, or am I perhaps just over-reading it? We have been good friends for about 4 months now, like I said, in touch pretty much daily.
VictorM's advice:
This guy really likes you and he's in no rush to speed up the courting phase. Most guys like to take things slow, giving themselves enough time to get to know the girl and sweep her off her feet in the process. He's doing it at a pace that seems consistent with a guy who really likes the girl and does not want to spoil it or rush it. On top of it, is also shy. Further, maybe he is picking up on your vibes that you may not be ready for kissing him yet. Don't discount that maybe he knows you better than you even imagine.
I know that most guys would say that they would have tried to kiss you already, but that's just the way guys talk anyway (your brother is no different). Don't listen. Enjoy this guy, and enjoy the slow pace of things. When you do kiss, it's going to be awesome!
Monday, November 26, 2007
He never plans anything
Submitted on Saturday, November 24, 2007
By Karry, 35, from Utah:
I have been talking to this guy, we have hung out a couple of times. He calls or texts me every day and he will say how he wants to see me and we should meet up this week...but then he never plans anything...I am ready to just give up. Any advise??????
VictorM's advice:
Well, you know the guy is not a planner. Wonderful. That's what dating is all about. Now you know something about him that you didn't know before. I'm sure he's not a lot of other things. Does he need to be everything to be the right guy?
So he's not a planner... well, are you? If you are, plan. If you're not, you got a lot of nerve to complain. If you want a planner in your life, stop dating this guy.
You know, sometimes life really isn't that complicated.
By Karry, 35, from Utah:
I have been talking to this guy, we have hung out a couple of times. He calls or texts me every day and he will say how he wants to see me and we should meet up this week...but then he never plans anything...I am ready to just give up. Any advise??????
VictorM's advice:
Well, you know the guy is not a planner. Wonderful. That's what dating is all about. Now you know something about him that you didn't know before. I'm sure he's not a lot of other things. Does he need to be everything to be the right guy?
So he's not a planner... well, are you? If you are, plan. If you're not, you got a lot of nerve to complain. If you want a planner in your life, stop dating this guy.
You know, sometimes life really isn't that complicated.
One day I feel he really likes me, then the next day I feel insecure
Submitted on Saturday, November 24, 2007
By Charlotte, 23, from Chicago:
I have this guy in my life, not sure how to explain him. I talk to him every day, usually online through letters and facebook messaging. Sometimes we instant message for an hour or 2 at a time. (The IMing is maybe once a week.) We have been on 5 dates, all of which were tooooooo good to be true. Yet, he has not gone in for a move, like a kiss or anything. But he is flirty, and according to people who used to know him he is very very shy. But I noticed on his facebook page that there are a couple of other girls that write to him about wanting to hang out with him, etc. I dont know if those are platonic friends or people he maybe likes or whatever. Or maybe they like him. I have been in this situation with him for about 4 months now. When we hang out, I feel like there is at least mutual interest but then sometimes, I'm not sure. I think that I would like to eventually move our relationship to a more exclusive status, but it is early, I know. I get very jealous over the other girls, then feel guilty because he's not my boyfriend. It's an awkward thing to ask him about, since technically I have no rights over him. I suppose we are both free to see other people if we want to, but at this point I don't. I do have other options, and have been on a few dates with other guys recently, but my mind is always on the one I really like. Does it sound like I am overreacting, does it sound like he's into me? He always insists on paying and stuff. What is your take??? Oh yeah, he recently told me he thought I was beautiful. But how do I know he's not flirting the same way with the other girls and stuff? Am I just one of many or does his daily attention through letters, IM, continued dates mean he likes me as more? The confusing part is how one day I feel he really likes me, then the next day I feel insecure about it. I have a date with him today.
VictorM's advice:
Come on folks, keep on walking... there's nothing to see here.
You're dating without your heads in the sand. He has some prospects and so do you. You love your dates with him and he's a gentleman with you. He pays you compliments and keeps asking you out. You're wondering where this might lead, and he's probably wondering the same thing. But there's no point in rushing. It all sounds too normal and sensible.
How did the date go? We want to know. :)
By Charlotte, 23, from Chicago:
I have this guy in my life, not sure how to explain him. I talk to him every day, usually online through letters and facebook messaging. Sometimes we instant message for an hour or 2 at a time. (The IMing is maybe once a week.) We have been on 5 dates, all of which were tooooooo good to be true. Yet, he has not gone in for a move, like a kiss or anything. But he is flirty, and according to people who used to know him he is very very shy. But I noticed on his facebook page that there are a couple of other girls that write to him about wanting to hang out with him, etc. I dont know if those are platonic friends or people he maybe likes or whatever. Or maybe they like him. I have been in this situation with him for about 4 months now. When we hang out, I feel like there is at least mutual interest but then sometimes, I'm not sure. I think that I would like to eventually move our relationship to a more exclusive status, but it is early, I know. I get very jealous over the other girls, then feel guilty because he's not my boyfriend. It's an awkward thing to ask him about, since technically I have no rights over him. I suppose we are both free to see other people if we want to, but at this point I don't. I do have other options, and have been on a few dates with other guys recently, but my mind is always on the one I really like. Does it sound like I am overreacting, does it sound like he's into me? He always insists on paying and stuff. What is your take??? Oh yeah, he recently told me he thought I was beautiful. But how do I know he's not flirting the same way with the other girls and stuff? Am I just one of many or does his daily attention through letters, IM, continued dates mean he likes me as more? The confusing part is how one day I feel he really likes me, then the next day I feel insecure about it. I have a date with him today.
VictorM's advice:
Come on folks, keep on walking... there's nothing to see here.
You're dating without your heads in the sand. He has some prospects and so do you. You love your dates with him and he's a gentleman with you. He pays you compliments and keeps asking you out. You're wondering where this might lead, and he's probably wondering the same thing. But there's no point in rushing. It all sounds too normal and sensible.
How did the date go? We want to know. :)
He still pines for that adulterous wench
Submitted on Saturday, November 24, 2007
By Deb, 45, from Arizona:
Hey there. I was referred here by some folks on the lifted hearts site. They said you'd give blunt and accurate answers to the "why," about guys. If you get time, I'd appreciate it.
My guy, also 45, has been divorced three years, we've been together two. He still pines for that adulterous wench. I'm paying for her treachery as he is often withdrawn, sad, and outright depressed. He's been depressed for three years, when might it end? I'm getting really sick of hearing about, "Saint Susan," he deifies her as being such a wonderful person. She ran off and slept with her old boyfriend, talked my bf out of $70K to "start her new life," with said boyfriend. Got to hand it to her, the bitch is a great actress. Why does he pine for this deceitful, two-faced, goody-two-shoes?
Thanks, Deb
VictorM's advice:
To him, she's more than one indiscretion or a bunch of flaws. She is the woman he had dreams with and saw himself with for all eternity. They shared many good moments, I'm sure. He recognizes that no one is perfect, and that imperfections do not make us worthless. You need to learn this lesson.
Keep calling her names and soon you will be history too. When you insult her, you insult his past, his feelings, his life, his choices, his dreams, and you step on his disappointment. You have no right to plaster her flaws on his face; he knows them all too well.
He's sad and depressed because he recognizes that there is no way back to her. If he thought there was a chance, he wouldn't be so depressed. He knows that even if they could get back together, the magic is gone. So he's not missing the woman she is now; he's missing the person she once was, at least in his mind and in his heart. Really, it's not even the physical person he misses (as physical beings we try to point to flesh and bones), what he really misses are the kind of feelings he felt when he was deeply in love. He's like a drug addict without his fix. And it takes a lot of time to get over the person you were going to love for all eternity, more so when it's because of betrayal.
You aren't helping! When you push so hard to have her removed from his mind, you're pushing away his ability to love. That's because right now that woman represents all that he knows love is. You shouldn't be going after her, you should be going after his ability to feel that way again. A man who loved that deeply is capable of loving that deeply again.
Respect her not for what she is but for what she means to him.
Hey there. I was referred here by some folks on the lifted hearts site. They said you'd give blunt and accurate answers to the "why," about guys. If you get time, I'd appreciate it.
My guy, also 45, has been divorced three years, we've been together two. He still pines for that adulterous wench. I'm paying for her treachery as he is often withdrawn, sad, and outright depressed. He's been depressed for three years, when might it end? I'm getting really sick of hearing about, "Saint Susan," he deifies her as being such a wonderful person. She ran off and slept with her old boyfriend, talked my bf out of $70K to "start her new life," with said boyfriend. Got to hand it to her, the bitch is a great actress. Why does he pine for this deceitful, two-faced, goody-two-shoes?
Thanks, Deb
VictorM's advice:
To him, she's more than one indiscretion or a bunch of flaws. She is the woman he had dreams with and saw himself with for all eternity. They shared many good moments, I'm sure. He recognizes that no one is perfect, and that imperfections do not make us worthless. You need to learn this lesson.
Keep calling her names and soon you will be history too. When you insult her, you insult his past, his feelings, his life, his choices, his dreams, and you step on his disappointment. You have no right to plaster her flaws on his face; he knows them all too well.
He's sad and depressed because he recognizes that there is no way back to her. If he thought there was a chance, he wouldn't be so depressed. He knows that even if they could get back together, the magic is gone. So he's not missing the woman she is now; he's missing the person she once was, at least in his mind and in his heart. Really, it's not even the physical person he misses (as physical beings we try to point to flesh and bones), what he really misses are the kind of feelings he felt when he was deeply in love. He's like a drug addict without his fix. And it takes a lot of time to get over the person you were going to love for all eternity, more so when it's because of betrayal.
You aren't helping! When you push so hard to have her removed from his mind, you're pushing away his ability to love. That's because right now that woman represents all that he knows love is. You shouldn't be going after her, you should be going after his ability to feel that way again. A man who loved that deeply is capable of loving that deeply again.
Respect her not for what she is but for what she means to him.
Am I an idiot or what?
Submitted on Saturday, November 24, 2007
By Gena, 49, from NJ:
What do you think of a guy that travels for work but never tells you where he is going or when he is coming back, calls you from the road and says he will contact you later and never does,visits his family every holiday and you spend it alone, walks into your house and take over the TV remote, the computer, and expects you do pick up the pieces when he "forgets" or claims himself too busy to do what is necessary for his job?
That has been my situation for 5 years - am I an idiot or what? And guess what I spent Thansgiving week doing? A work project for him - he visited his family for the week. Yep, he was supposed to keep in touch, help me on a few things - did he? I think you already know the answer!
VictorM's advice:
You're not an idiot, you're a woman in dire need of professional therapy to help you understand why you put up with that man. In fact, I'm willing to bet that others before him have been of a similar ilk.
Calling yourself an idiot, frankly, is a cop out. It solves nothing and allows you get by without confronting the demons that make you accept him and his behavior. In essence, the truth that would set you free is the truth you're afraid to face. Putting up with this bozo is easier and it allows you to blame someone else. Really, you're using him instead of just the other way around. With him around, you can point a finger at him instead of at yourself.
You're afraid to take responsibility, to make decisions, to seek appropriate help, to face life on your own, and above all, you're afraid of change. You're not an idiot; you're a coward.
By Gena, 49, from NJ:
What do you think of a guy that travels for work but never tells you where he is going or when he is coming back, calls you from the road and says he will contact you later and never does,visits his family every holiday and you spend it alone, walks into your house and take over the TV remote, the computer, and expects you do pick up the pieces when he "forgets" or claims himself too busy to do what is necessary for his job?
That has been my situation for 5 years - am I an idiot or what? And guess what I spent Thansgiving week doing? A work project for him - he visited his family for the week. Yep, he was supposed to keep in touch, help me on a few things - did he? I think you already know the answer!
VictorM's advice:
You're not an idiot, you're a woman in dire need of professional therapy to help you understand why you put up with that man. In fact, I'm willing to bet that others before him have been of a similar ilk.
Calling yourself an idiot, frankly, is a cop out. It solves nothing and allows you get by without confronting the demons that make you accept him and his behavior. In essence, the truth that would set you free is the truth you're afraid to face. Putting up with this bozo is easier and it allows you to blame someone else. Really, you're using him instead of just the other way around. With him around, you can point a finger at him instead of at yourself.
You're afraid to take responsibility, to make decisions, to seek appropriate help, to face life on your own, and above all, you're afraid of change. You're not an idiot; you're a coward.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I feel like he puts time with his friends above me
Submitted on Friday, November 23, 2007
By Am I crazy?, 20, from USA:
I dated a guy for a year and a half, we separated for a few months and tried to date other people, but ended up getting back together. We've been back together about a month and a half, without any hint of unresolvable incident (we've had one disagreement that was resolved within minutes, both of us compromising). I do have one issue however. I feel like he puts time with his friends above me. I know he needs time to be with his friends and I've had no problem with him being with his friends, I use that time to get work done and do my own things. But he...I dunno, just seems like time with his friends is more special than time with me. For example, the other night we had tentative plans and as soon as his friends came along, he canceled ours. He invited me along but made it clear the time was for his friends, not for me and if I wasn't having fun, I should just leave. I just feel like I'm losing out to these friends. That he likes them better and values their time more than mine. Another thing is that at the end of the year I'm leaving for about 6 months and he told me that he is going abroad for spring break. I asked if he would visit me and he said he would probably be going to Cancun with his friends. Again, I don't begrudge him for wanting friend time, but he will be seeing them everyday for those six months and I'd like to see him for one week. Is it unreasonable for me to feel this way?
VictorM's advice:
It's not unreasonable at all for you to want to see him, but he has been very direct about where you stand in the pecking order and you don't rate very high. Considering the background you described, it's not likely to improve.
For crying out loud, you're only 20 years old. Get a hold of your dignity and get your behind out there looking for someone who cares about you.
I dated a guy for a year and a half, we separated for a few months and tried to date other people, but ended up getting back together. We've been back together about a month and a half, without any hint of unresolvable incident (we've had one disagreement that was resolved within minutes, both of us compromising). I do have one issue however. I feel like he puts time with his friends above me. I know he needs time to be with his friends and I've had no problem with him being with his friends, I use that time to get work done and do my own things. But he...I dunno, just seems like time with his friends is more special than time with me. For example, the other night we had tentative plans and as soon as his friends came along, he canceled ours. He invited me along but made it clear the time was for his friends, not for me and if I wasn't having fun, I should just leave. I just feel like I'm losing out to these friends. That he likes them better and values their time more than mine. Another thing is that at the end of the year I'm leaving for about 6 months and he told me that he is going abroad for spring break. I asked if he would visit me and he said he would probably be going to Cancun with his friends. Again, I don't begrudge him for wanting friend time, but he will be seeing them everyday for those six months and I'd like to see him for one week. Is it unreasonable for me to feel this way?
VictorM's advice:
It's not unreasonable at all for you to want to see him, but he has been very direct about where you stand in the pecking order and you don't rate very high. Considering the background you described, it's not likely to improve.
For crying out loud, you're only 20 years old. Get a hold of your dignity and get your behind out there looking for someone who cares about you.
I'm having a bit of a panic here
Submitted on Friday, November 23, 2007
By sars, 29, from uk:
Right well....I'm having a bit of a panic here ha ha....just spoke to him on msn and he told me that he may take one of the girls out tomorrow for lunch. I'm so jealous I didn't really know what to say to him so made a joke about me bowing out gracefully. He laughed and said I'm not a competition! Then he said he was off to bed...
I just don't know how to say what I want to say to him online....and it's not as if we're going to see each other face to face either. I'm at a total loss as to how to handle this....or when to say I'm serious and how to say it etc. to me he's just telling me he's not interested by telling me he's taking someone else out on a date. He's not mentioned what I said to him...so I guess he's not interested really? God, I'm so frustrated!!! Part of me wants to say to him....have I got a chance with you or not? He's so hard...and he told me that he doesn't do dates with anyone...and now he's taking this girl out....so shouldn't I just get the hint that he can't be bothered to take me out or move things up a notch?
How do I react to him when he talks about other women? And am I really just risking making an idiot of myself if I tell him how i feel?
sorry to go on!
VictorM's advice:
You were so panicked that you typed your own name incorrectly. :) And if you didn't make the same mistake on your age, you had a birthday since we last "talked". If so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SARA!
Well, I don't know if you typed this submission before you saw my last reply to you. If you didn't read it yet, click the link and go read it. If you read it and aren't following my advice, I don't know what else to tell you. You're on your own now. :)
But anyway, he keeps talking about taking other girls out because he's still "punishing" you for bruising his ego.
Right well....I'm having a bit of a panic here ha ha....just spoke to him on msn and he told me that he may take one of the girls out tomorrow for lunch. I'm so jealous I didn't really know what to say to him so made a joke about me bowing out gracefully. He laughed and said I'm not a competition! Then he said he was off to bed...
I just don't know how to say what I want to say to him online....and it's not as if we're going to see each other face to face either. I'm at a total loss as to how to handle this....or when to say I'm serious and how to say it etc. to me he's just telling me he's not interested by telling me he's taking someone else out on a date. He's not mentioned what I said to him...so I guess he's not interested really? God, I'm so frustrated!!! Part of me wants to say to him....have I got a chance with you or not? He's so hard...and he told me that he doesn't do dates with anyone...and now he's taking this girl out....so shouldn't I just get the hint that he can't be bothered to take me out or move things up a notch?
How do I react to him when he talks about other women? And am I really just risking making an idiot of myself if I tell him how i feel?
sorry to go on!
VictorM's advice:
You were so panicked that you typed your own name incorrectly. :) And if you didn't make the same mistake on your age, you had a birthday since we last "talked". If so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SARA!
Well, I don't know if you typed this submission before you saw my last reply to you. If you didn't read it yet, click the link and go read it. If you read it and aren't following my advice, I don't know what else to tell you. You're on your own now. :)
But anyway, he keeps talking about taking other girls out because he's still "punishing" you for bruising his ego.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Progress with the "busy" guy
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Jennea, 31, from Michigan:
Hi Victor, I hope you still remember me. I consulted with you several times in September. I want to tell you about the progress with the "busy" guy. I called him before I went to Boston. As you have predicted that he will give a cold response. When I reached Boston I did not contact him as I thought he will give me the same response again. But my friend arranged a gathering at a restaurant. At first he was rather cold and kind of avoid me. Slowly he became warmer and start to talk to me a little bit. He was nice to my friends and me.
Two weeks after I came back from Boston, I contacted him. He was friendly. I invited him to my sister's wedding. He said he will go. Just 5 days before the wedding, I contacted him again to ask him when he is coming to Michigan. But he did not reply. To my surprise he came to my sister's wedding. He was friendly to me and my family. He was warm and friendly during the wedding party. He stayed back until the end of the party. He told me before he left that if we have the chance, we will meet again in December. I am not sure what it meant. Later on, I heard from my friend that when the ceremony just started, a guy that I have dated before came and told the "busy" guy that I invited him too. Actually he was invited by my brother. I am not sure if this could lead to any bad thinking to the 'busy" guy.
I called him the next day to ask him for lunch. He said he can't. We chatted for a while and he said he has something on and will call me back. But he did not.
Can you please tell me what it meant. What should I do? Should I keep cool and wait for him to contact me? Kindly advise me. Thank you for your help.
VictorM's advice:
I sure do remember you. I'm glad to hear from you again.
You can't catch a break with this guy, can you? Just when it seemed he was warming up to you again, something has to ruin it. I think he reverted back to having doubts about you because of what that guy told him at the wedding. No question about it. I think it's a natural reaction on his part to believe you're treating him just like another friend.
I don't know if it's too late but you need to rectify that impression with him. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you did not invite that guy.
Jennea, if you want to get serious with this guy, come on, you have to get a little more aggressive about letting him know that. I mean, why didn't you end the party making out with this guy on the dance floor (or something like that)?
You were the one with all the mixed signals last time (if memory serves me right) and again this time (because of this other guy saying he was invited by you). I can't blame him for pulling back. You really have to make the extra effort to convince him that you really like him.
By Jennea, 31, from Michigan:
Hi Victor, I hope you still remember me. I consulted with you several times in September. I want to tell you about the progress with the "busy" guy. I called him before I went to Boston. As you have predicted that he will give a cold response. When I reached Boston I did not contact him as I thought he will give me the same response again. But my friend arranged a gathering at a restaurant. At first he was rather cold and kind of avoid me. Slowly he became warmer and start to talk to me a little bit. He was nice to my friends and me.
Two weeks after I came back from Boston, I contacted him. He was friendly. I invited him to my sister's wedding. He said he will go. Just 5 days before the wedding, I contacted him again to ask him when he is coming to Michigan. But he did not reply. To my surprise he came to my sister's wedding. He was friendly to me and my family. He was warm and friendly during the wedding party. He stayed back until the end of the party. He told me before he left that if we have the chance, we will meet again in December. I am not sure what it meant. Later on, I heard from my friend that when the ceremony just started, a guy that I have dated before came and told the "busy" guy that I invited him too. Actually he was invited by my brother. I am not sure if this could lead to any bad thinking to the 'busy" guy.
I called him the next day to ask him for lunch. He said he can't. We chatted for a while and he said he has something on and will call me back. But he did not.
Can you please tell me what it meant. What should I do? Should I keep cool and wait for him to contact me? Kindly advise me. Thank you for your help.
VictorM's advice:
I sure do remember you. I'm glad to hear from you again.
You can't catch a break with this guy, can you? Just when it seemed he was warming up to you again, something has to ruin it. I think he reverted back to having doubts about you because of what that guy told him at the wedding. No question about it. I think it's a natural reaction on his part to believe you're treating him just like another friend.
I don't know if it's too late but you need to rectify that impression with him. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you did not invite that guy.
Jennea, if you want to get serious with this guy, come on, you have to get a little more aggressive about letting him know that. I mean, why didn't you end the party making out with this guy on the dance floor (or something like that)?
You were the one with all the mixed signals last time (if memory serves me right) and again this time (because of this other guy saying he was invited by you). I can't blame him for pulling back. You really have to make the extra effort to convince him that you really like him.
I'm dating someone who does a "Jack Bauer" kind of job
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Abi, 29, from UAE:
Here's the thing, I'm dating someone who does a "Jack Bauer" kind of job and if you've ever seen 24, you'll know exactly how challenging it is to carry on a relationship with a "Jack Bauer" kind of person. He goes off for months at a time on missions that can't be discussed and I'm lucky to get one call while he's away. When he is around, he is loving and attentive and treats me like a queen and also looks at me as if i'm one :). We've talked about marriage, kids, what country we would like to settle in eventually, etc, etc. But I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Sometimes, I have to rush through what's been happening in my life the last 3 months since he's been gone before he disappears again. At first it was exciting for me and I liked the idea that I don't have a man breathing down my neck everyday. I've tried very very hard to understand this kind of life but after a year of a "Jack Bauer" kind of guy, I'm starting to feel like I just want to have a regular guy with a regular 9 to 5 job who comes home to me every night and asks about my day. I do love him and it feels like he's "The One". Some of my friends insist that he is married hence all the cloak and dagger stuff but I can't believe this because he appears very very honest but then again, you can't really 100% tell, can you? I'm not quite sure what to do anymore, break up with him, discuss it with him for the hundredth time? And I guess I should also mention I've never met any of his friends.
VictorM's advice:
I'm glad you explained what you meant by a "Jack Bauer" type of guy. At first I thought you meant a fictional asshole involved in far fetched plots and using abusive techniques not becoming of a civilized nation.
Well, I have to believe that guys like your guy exist and do lots of secretive stuff. How do you know he's not lying? Having that sort of thought in your mind sure puts a damper on a relationship. I have to believe there is something he could do/show that would make his job requirements clear to you. But that's not your problem, is it? You totally believe him, right? For now, let's assume that all about him is true.
Who wants to give up being treated like a queen, even if only from time to time, right? Do you believe that you'd get that kind of treatment if he saw you every single day? Face it, the odds are that he would not. Life would become more mundane. And I have to believe that the mystery surrounding his life and what he does when he's gone is not a pleasant thought to you. Sounds like the whole thing is a bad deal.
You're stuck between a fantasy (the queen treatment) and a mystery (is lifestyle). Meanwhile, your real life is slipping away.
Is he "The One"? Only if you believe in make-believe TV heroes.
Here's the thing, I'm dating someone who does a "Jack Bauer" kind of job and if you've ever seen 24, you'll know exactly how challenging it is to carry on a relationship with a "Jack Bauer" kind of person. He goes off for months at a time on missions that can't be discussed and I'm lucky to get one call while he's away. When he is around, he is loving and attentive and treats me like a queen and also looks at me as if i'm one :). We've talked about marriage, kids, what country we would like to settle in eventually, etc, etc. But I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Sometimes, I have to rush through what's been happening in my life the last 3 months since he's been gone before he disappears again. At first it was exciting for me and I liked the idea that I don't have a man breathing down my neck everyday. I've tried very very hard to understand this kind of life but after a year of a "Jack Bauer" kind of guy, I'm starting to feel like I just want to have a regular guy with a regular 9 to 5 job who comes home to me every night and asks about my day. I do love him and it feels like he's "The One". Some of my friends insist that he is married hence all the cloak and dagger stuff but I can't believe this because he appears very very honest but then again, you can't really 100% tell, can you? I'm not quite sure what to do anymore, break up with him, discuss it with him for the hundredth time? And I guess I should also mention I've never met any of his friends.
VictorM's advice:
I'm glad you explained what you meant by a "Jack Bauer" type of guy. At first I thought you meant a fictional asshole involved in far fetched plots and using abusive techniques not becoming of a civilized nation.
Well, I have to believe that guys like your guy exist and do lots of secretive stuff. How do you know he's not lying? Having that sort of thought in your mind sure puts a damper on a relationship. I have to believe there is something he could do/show that would make his job requirements clear to you. But that's not your problem, is it? You totally believe him, right? For now, let's assume that all about him is true.
Who wants to give up being treated like a queen, even if only from time to time, right? Do you believe that you'd get that kind of treatment if he saw you every single day? Face it, the odds are that he would not. Life would become more mundane. And I have to believe that the mystery surrounding his life and what he does when he's gone is not a pleasant thought to you. Sounds like the whole thing is a bad deal.
You're stuck between a fantasy (the queen treatment) and a mystery (is lifestyle). Meanwhile, your real life is slipping away.
Is he "The One"? Only if you believe in make-believe TV heroes.
Kate is looking for signs
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Kate, 13, from Boston:
What are some signs a guy MY age would show if he were interested, especially a guy I'm really good friends with? I can't tell if we're "just friends" or if he's interested in more.
VictorM's advice:
Odds are that a guy your age just wants to be friends. But how to tell? If his behavior with you is different than with all other girls. If he acts around you the same way he acts around other girls, he's not interested.
What are some signs a guy MY age would show if he were interested, especially a guy I'm really good friends with? I can't tell if we're "just friends" or if he's interested in more.
VictorM's advice:
Odds are that a guy your age just wants to be friends. But how to tell? If his behavior with you is different than with all other girls. If he acts around you the same way he acts around other girls, he's not interested.
Lily is back
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Lily, 15:
Hi, its me again.
Thanks for answering a few of my questions here
Well anyways, what you told me is true. He started gaining more of his feelings on me. And he PROMISED he would never hurt me and all that bullcrap. He even said he told the other girl that his feelings are fading away. Unfortunately the other girl found out on her own. I wanted to tell her especially because she was my friend, but I was scared to. But after that whole drama night. He seemed so.. boring and AGAIN he started acting like he didn't like me. I WAS LOST OUT OF CONFUSION! I don't know what's wrong with him. So I told him that if he didn't wanna talk to me, then he should tell me. So he started apologizing and saying he wants to talk to me. I really don't get it. I really like the guy I don't know if he really understands it. What should I do now? Should I leave it as it is {go with the flow}? or what?!
VictorM's advice:
I think he gets that you like him. I just think he's not ready for all the drama that comes with having a girlfriend. You're trying too hard to push him into something he doesn't want but is too polite to tell you.
Leave the boy alone already.
Hi, its me again.
Thanks for answering a few of my questions here
Well anyways, what you told me is true. He started gaining more of his feelings on me. And he PROMISED he would never hurt me and all that bullcrap. He even said he told the other girl that his feelings are fading away. Unfortunately the other girl found out on her own. I wanted to tell her especially because she was my friend, but I was scared to. But after that whole drama night. He seemed so.. boring and AGAIN he started acting like he didn't like me. I WAS LOST OUT OF CONFUSION! I don't know what's wrong with him. So I told him that if he didn't wanna talk to me, then he should tell me. So he started apologizing and saying he wants to talk to me. I really don't get it. I really like the guy I don't know if he really understands it. What should I do now? Should I leave it as it is {go with the flow}? or what?!
VictorM's advice:
I think he gets that you like him. I just think he's not ready for all the drama that comes with having a girlfriend. You're trying too hard to push him into something he doesn't want but is too polite to tell you.
Leave the boy alone already.
Friday, November 23, 2007
We basically talk and laugh all day instead of working
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Polly, 25, from canada:
Okay so I feel kinda lame...but there's this guy at work that I really like. I've just met him, but he's been there a few years longer than me. I sit next to him and we basically talk and laugh all day instead of working. I really like him, and I'm curious if he likes me too. He emails me funny comments in response to comments I've made in conversations, and has recently been pointing out "parallels" between us. I'm a little worried he thinks I'm too young, because he's 35, but it doesn't matter to me. Do I have a shot with him, or should I stop flirting now?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt that age difference is an issue with him and I assume you have as good a chance with him as anyone, assuming he's not married or have a girlfriend already.
But just because he engages with you in the kind or activities you mentioned does not mean that he has a romantic interest in you. And depending on the kind of company you work for, an office romance could be frowned upon and could be reason either one of you to lose your job.
Regardless... you should stop flirting at work. Nothing good is going to come out of it. Take your flirting to after hours and away from the office.
Okay so I feel kinda lame...but there's this guy at work that I really like. I've just met him, but he's been there a few years longer than me. I sit next to him and we basically talk and laugh all day instead of working. I really like him, and I'm curious if he likes me too. He emails me funny comments in response to comments I've made in conversations, and has recently been pointing out "parallels" between us. I'm a little worried he thinks I'm too young, because he's 35, but it doesn't matter to me. Do I have a shot with him, or should I stop flirting now?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt that age difference is an issue with him and I assume you have as good a chance with him as anyone, assuming he's not married or have a girlfriend already.
But just because he engages with you in the kind or activities you mentioned does not mean that he has a romantic interest in you. And depending on the kind of company you work for, an office romance could be frowned upon and could be reason either one of you to lose your job.
Regardless... you should stop flirting at work. Nothing good is going to come out of it. Take your flirting to after hours and away from the office.
He hasn't picked up the phone
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Weda, 38, from CA:
I met this guy working a side job. He lives about 2.5 hours away. I no longer work at this job. I got the impression he may be interested and I asked him if he was talking with his girlfriend on the phone one day and he said: "I don't know, I didn't want to sound like I was talking to my girlfriend. Did it sound like I was talking to my girlfriend?" I told him he never answered my question and he was silent. After a couple of weeks we were talking on the phone and I asked him if he wanted to do something next week. Without skipping a beat and sounding excited he said yes. Then he said "if I'm around. If I'm in town but probably not until the week after." I said okay. After that night he has only called twice in the last seven days and he hasn't picked up the phone when I've tried to call him. Does this mean he is not interested and I shouldn't call him anymore?
VictorM's answer:
Bingo! You should get a prize for being so astute. You are right, he's not interested.
By Weda, 38, from CA:
I met this guy working a side job. He lives about 2.5 hours away. I no longer work at this job. I got the impression he may be interested and I asked him if he was talking with his girlfriend on the phone one day and he said: "I don't know, I didn't want to sound like I was talking to my girlfriend. Did it sound like I was talking to my girlfriend?" I told him he never answered my question and he was silent. After a couple of weeks we were talking on the phone and I asked him if he wanted to do something next week. Without skipping a beat and sounding excited he said yes. Then he said "if I'm around. If I'm in town but probably not until the week after." I said okay. After that night he has only called twice in the last seven days and he hasn't picked up the phone when I've tried to call him. Does this mean he is not interested and I shouldn't call him anymore?
VictorM's answer:
Bingo! You should get a prize for being so astute. You are right, he's not interested.
He keeps asking me when are we going to have sex
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By j, 24, from North carolinia:
I have been talking to a guy who is 32 and he keeps asking me when are we going to have sex even though he knows I am a virgin. He also has brought up the subject of having children. Is he only after having sex?
VictorM's advice:
No, not only. I think he's also into pulling your leg, particularly because you're a virgin.
I have been talking to a guy who is 32 and he keeps asking me when are we going to have sex even though he knows I am a virgin. He also has brought up the subject of having children. Is he only after having sex?
VictorM's advice:
No, not only. I think he's also into pulling your leg, particularly because you're a virgin.
Why do I feel so frightened?
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Carol, 30, from London:
I recently moved to London to be closer to my extended family. I met a friend of my uncle who is 38. He is a really kind guy. He helped me find an apartment and looks out for me. He has made it obvious to me that he likes me and I really like him too. I asked him if he wanted to try out and see what happens. I made it clear I'm not interested in getting played and have assured him I won't be playing him. For the first time in ages I actually want to be in a long term relationship.
It's a sensitive issue because he's a family friend. I've known him for three months now and I think I want to take the relationship to the next stage. I have a different view of relationships in that sleeping with someone for me means that I am in a relationship with them. Unless it's been made clear that it's just for fun. I know that he wants the relationship to be serious because of the fact he's a family friend and it would be foolish to have a casual fling with me. He also asked me why I want to be with him. The thing is he's set up two dates and pulled out of each of them. Funnily enough he's more than happy to come round and sleep with me. Maybe he just wants sex. The funny thing is though that my attitude is very relaxed and guys always end up falling for me because I'm attractive and have a very easy come easy go attitude to sex and relationships. Whatever happens over the next few days I know that over time he will fall deeper and deeper for me and I'm more than happy for that to happen.
My question is why do I feel so frightened at the prospect of taking it further. I haven't had a serious relationship for years. I'm excited, scared and don't know what to expect. I guess I should just enjoy the feeling right? It would be good to get a guys perspective on this. Thanks.
P.S. Some of your response made me LOL :)
VictorM's advice:
You are scared because obviously you are a normal, intelligent woman who pays attention to the world around her. In a day and age of some many divorces and temptations, being committed to a relationship is hard work and fraught with possible missteps that could lead to much heartache. Really, only idiots go into a relationship thinking it's going to be all perfect and wonderful. You are scared because you're not an idiot.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." What could be more important than love? (Well, other than midfield seats at an Arsenal match). And so you march on despite your fears because you are also a courageous woman who knows that not trying is a worse fate. So yeah, with fear and all, enjoy!
PS. I'm glad you enjoy the blog. :)
I recently moved to London to be closer to my extended family. I met a friend of my uncle who is 38. He is a really kind guy. He helped me find an apartment and looks out for me. He has made it obvious to me that he likes me and I really like him too. I asked him if he wanted to try out and see what happens. I made it clear I'm not interested in getting played and have assured him I won't be playing him. For the first time in ages I actually want to be in a long term relationship.
It's a sensitive issue because he's a family friend. I've known him for three months now and I think I want to take the relationship to the next stage. I have a different view of relationships in that sleeping with someone for me means that I am in a relationship with them. Unless it's been made clear that it's just for fun. I know that he wants the relationship to be serious because of the fact he's a family friend and it would be foolish to have a casual fling with me. He also asked me why I want to be with him. The thing is he's set up two dates and pulled out of each of them. Funnily enough he's more than happy to come round and sleep with me. Maybe he just wants sex. The funny thing is though that my attitude is very relaxed and guys always end up falling for me because I'm attractive and have a very easy come easy go attitude to sex and relationships. Whatever happens over the next few days I know that over time he will fall deeper and deeper for me and I'm more than happy for that to happen.
My question is why do I feel so frightened at the prospect of taking it further. I haven't had a serious relationship for years. I'm excited, scared and don't know what to expect. I guess I should just enjoy the feeling right? It would be good to get a guys perspective on this. Thanks.
P.S. Some of your response made me LOL :)
VictorM's advice:
You are scared because obviously you are a normal, intelligent woman who pays attention to the world around her. In a day and age of some many divorces and temptations, being committed to a relationship is hard work and fraught with possible missteps that could lead to much heartache. Really, only idiots go into a relationship thinking it's going to be all perfect and wonderful. You are scared because you're not an idiot.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." What could be more important than love? (Well, other than midfield seats at an Arsenal match). And so you march on despite your fears because you are also a courageous woman who knows that not trying is a worse fate. So yeah, with fear and all, enjoy!
PS. I'm glad you enjoy the blog. :)
Do guys respect you more if you wait to sleep with them?
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
Do guys respect you more if you wait to sleep with them? I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now are we are both good looking people and have a lot of chemistry but I like him a lot and he is really lovey dovey with me but we both get a little heated and stop because we don't want to rush things. But when is it right? I mean, there is no time limit OK but there is when people think you're a slut for jumping into bed.
VictorM's advice:
Different things, such as culture, religion, upbringing, etc. determine what's socially acceptable. So the answer varies from guy to guy. That's something that you have to discuss with the guy.
But the advice I usually give that there should be a waiting period before sex has nothing at all to do with those reasons, and certainly nothing to do with the role of women in our society; it has just to do with typical human behavior.
In most cases, having sex signifies that the female is ready to get serious about the relationship. Guys, on the other hand, could have sex without such meaning. But if by having sex guys feel that they are being pressure into a relationship -- and in most cases guys feel that way whether the girl means it or not -- and they have not yet had enough time to conclude they are ready to be serious with her, they are quite likely to be scared away.
My point is: make sure the guy has had enough time to develop feelings for you so that he's ready to commit when you two have sex. This is even more important because girls are more likely to start liking a guy with a relationship in mind from day one, but very often a guy will go out with a girl because he likes her boobs, her ass, or something else as trivial. Therefore, it takes guys longer to develop serious feelings for a girl than a girl for a guy. Having sex before he develops those deeper feelings runs the risk of him fleeing. It's easy for him to run away when he thinks of you as just a pair of pretty nipples but much harder once he starts thinking of you as the mother of his children.
So, give a guy enough time to develop deeper feelings for you before you ask him to be in a relationship, which you can do explicitly with words or implicitly with sex. Hence, my advice that girls should wait to have sex.
Of course, there are many people, boys and girls, to whom sex is purely a casual activity and the above does not apply, but those kinds of people aren't likely to be the ones writing to me about this issue.
In your case, Lindsey, forget about the slut label -- by the way, that's usually something that women call each other, not something that guys think -- and just concentrate on whether you think he has developed deep feelings for you. If so, heck girl, jump his bones like he's a trampoline! :)
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
Do guys respect you more if you wait to sleep with them? I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks now are we are both good looking people and have a lot of chemistry but I like him a lot and he is really lovey dovey with me but we both get a little heated and stop because we don't want to rush things. But when is it right? I mean, there is no time limit OK but there is when people think you're a slut for jumping into bed.
VictorM's advice:
Different things, such as culture, religion, upbringing, etc. determine what's socially acceptable. So the answer varies from guy to guy. That's something that you have to discuss with the guy.
But the advice I usually give that there should be a waiting period before sex has nothing at all to do with those reasons, and certainly nothing to do with the role of women in our society; it has just to do with typical human behavior.
In most cases, having sex signifies that the female is ready to get serious about the relationship. Guys, on the other hand, could have sex without such meaning. But if by having sex guys feel that they are being pressure into a relationship -- and in most cases guys feel that way whether the girl means it or not -- and they have not yet had enough time to conclude they are ready to be serious with her, they are quite likely to be scared away.
My point is: make sure the guy has had enough time to develop feelings for you so that he's ready to commit when you two have sex. This is even more important because girls are more likely to start liking a guy with a relationship in mind from day one, but very often a guy will go out with a girl because he likes her boobs, her ass, or something else as trivial. Therefore, it takes guys longer to develop serious feelings for a girl than a girl for a guy. Having sex before he develops those deeper feelings runs the risk of him fleeing. It's easy for him to run away when he thinks of you as just a pair of pretty nipples but much harder once he starts thinking of you as the mother of his children.
So, give a guy enough time to develop deeper feelings for you before you ask him to be in a relationship, which you can do explicitly with words or implicitly with sex. Hence, my advice that girls should wait to have sex.
Of course, there are many people, boys and girls, to whom sex is purely a casual activity and the above does not apply, but those kinds of people aren't likely to be the ones writing to me about this issue.
In your case, Lindsey, forget about the slut label -- by the way, that's usually something that women call each other, not something that guys think -- and just concentrate on whether you think he has developed deep feelings for you. If so, heck girl, jump his bones like he's a trampoline! :)
He seems genuine but tried to get me to do stuff
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Kelly, 15, from Wisconsin:
Hey there's this guy who I've had a crush on since he was in my class the beginning of this school year. And recently, within the past month or two, I found out he liked me back, but he just got out of an 8 month relationship where the girl treats him like crap, but then messes with his mind and will be nice for a day, then a real bitch for a week. We hung out and kind of fooled around a bit, and he seems genuine but tried to get me to do stuff. But his close friends who are my close friends tell me he sincerely does like me, but can't make a decision on what to do even though he straight up told me I would be the better girlfriend. Am I just another girl to be played by him? Or can he really not make up his mind from being attached?? helppp
VictorM's advice:
Well, you can't blame a horny teenage boy for trying stuff, and yes, it's possible he's still a little groggy from the previous twisted relationship and he just needs some time.
That being the case, you shouldn't place yourself in the middle yet. You can be friendly and supportive and still keep your distance from him. If he's horny he can use his hand, not you, and if he really likes you he should be the one trying to close the distance by chasing you and treating you with respect.
By Kelly, 15, from Wisconsin:
Hey there's this guy who I've had a crush on since he was in my class the beginning of this school year. And recently, within the past month or two, I found out he liked me back, but he just got out of an 8 month relationship where the girl treats him like crap, but then messes with his mind and will be nice for a day, then a real bitch for a week. We hung out and kind of fooled around a bit, and he seems genuine but tried to get me to do stuff. But his close friends who are my close friends tell me he sincerely does like me, but can't make a decision on what to do even though he straight up told me I would be the better girlfriend. Am I just another girl to be played by him? Or can he really not make up his mind from being attached?? helppp
VictorM's advice:
Well, you can't blame a horny teenage boy for trying stuff, and yes, it's possible he's still a little groggy from the previous twisted relationship and he just needs some time.
That being the case, you shouldn't place yourself in the middle yet. You can be friendly and supportive and still keep your distance from him. If he's horny he can use his hand, not you, and if he really likes you he should be the one trying to close the distance by chasing you and treating you with respect.
I asked him to lunch
Submitted on Thursday, November 22, 2007
By Nita, 40, from OK:
This is a follow up to my earlier email about asking a man (professional who has an office in my building) to lunch. Using your advice to take things slow, I asked him to lunch. Since I was not specific on a day (I wanted him to choose), he surprisingly addressed me by my first name. (we've not been introduced - it appears he has asked someone who I am - I hope I can take this as a sign he may be interested). I need your additional advice. He said "lunch will be fun and thanks for the invitation." Then he replied, "my schedule is very full right now, can we get together after exams" (end of term is in 2 weeks). He has my contact information (phone/email). Should I wait for him to contact me? Or should I invite him again at the end of the term?
Your advice in the earlier email about being in a work related environment and taking things slow is helpful. How can I let him know I'm interested in getting to know him outside the work environment?
VictorM's advice:
You should wait for the period he asked for. Have lunch with him first before you let him know of your interest (who knows, if he chews with his mouth wide open or exhibit some other annoying habit, you may not be so eager to get to know him further). But if all goes well it's quite likely that "we should do this again" will come up. This will be your opportunity to say you'd like to see him again.
One way to not lose contact and yet not appear too eager, is to say something like "someone told me that [insert the name of a restaurant] is very nice. What do you think about us going there?" But frankly, you've made the invitation and he's replied with a time frame that seems reasonable. Let this play out first to see where it will lead.
This is a follow up to my earlier email about asking a man (professional who has an office in my building) to lunch. Using your advice to take things slow, I asked him to lunch. Since I was not specific on a day (I wanted him to choose), he surprisingly addressed me by my first name. (we've not been introduced - it appears he has asked someone who I am - I hope I can take this as a sign he may be interested). I need your additional advice. He said "lunch will be fun and thanks for the invitation." Then he replied, "my schedule is very full right now, can we get together after exams" (end of term is in 2 weeks). He has my contact information (phone/email). Should I wait for him to contact me? Or should I invite him again at the end of the term?
Your advice in the earlier email about being in a work related environment and taking things slow is helpful. How can I let him know I'm interested in getting to know him outside the work environment?
VictorM's advice:
You should wait for the period he asked for. Have lunch with him first before you let him know of your interest (who knows, if he chews with his mouth wide open or exhibit some other annoying habit, you may not be so eager to get to know him further). But if all goes well it's quite likely that "we should do this again" will come up. This will be your opportunity to say you'd like to see him again.
One way to not lose contact and yet not appear too eager, is to say something like "someone told me that [insert the name of a restaurant] is very nice. What do you think about us going there?" But frankly, you've made the invitation and he's replied with a time frame that seems reasonable. Let this play out first to see where it will lead.
Feelings that he did not recognize
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By Kandace, 35, from Ohioo:
Hey there, Victor, just wondering how come the guy that I am seeing after being intimate with him, he seemed to not be around for awhile and then told me that things were complicated and that he was full of feelings that he did not recognize. Okay, as a woman, I don't understand how a person can NOT recognize their feelings. What is UP with my guy? Please fill me in, as I have no clue.
Thanks,
Kandy
VictorM's advice:
Before you were intimate it was all fun and games. Now, things have gotten serious and he's not ready for that seriousness. Saying he had feelings he didn't recognize was just a round-about-way of telling you that he's not ready for serious stuff with you.
Expect to see less and less of him until he totally disappears. He's about to become very busy at work or be facing some family emergency. I'm telling you this ahead of time so that you recognize it when it happens.
By Kandace, 35, from Ohioo:
Hey there, Victor, just wondering how come the guy that I am seeing after being intimate with him, he seemed to not be around for awhile and then told me that things were complicated and that he was full of feelings that he did not recognize. Okay, as a woman, I don't understand how a person can NOT recognize their feelings. What is UP with my guy? Please fill me in, as I have no clue.
Thanks,
Kandy
VictorM's advice:
Before you were intimate it was all fun and games. Now, things have gotten serious and he's not ready for that seriousness. Saying he had feelings he didn't recognize was just a round-about-way of telling you that he's not ready for serious stuff with you.
Expect to see less and less of him until he totally disappears. He's about to become very busy at work or be facing some family emergency. I'm telling you this ahead of time so that you recognize it when it happens.
I'm just a little scared
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By sara, 28, from uk:
Thank you for your response.... and yep you make a lot of sense. I'm an idiot I know!! I'm just a little scared I guess because I've been through quite a few bad relationships and you're right my attitude has been childish and defensive.
A few more questions though.....he messaged me on msn today...and said to me that he's been asked out by 3 women already this week and can't understand what's the matter with us all!! He said he can't be arsed to go out with any of these women...as he hasn't got the time etc. We chatted about other things...and then he went. He always talks about other women to me...is this to get a reaction from me? And how should I react? Because I don't do jealousy that often...and in all honesty I know for a fact that he's not been asked out by 3 women this week. So why did he feel the need to tell me?
Also...how should I broach the subject of us being together? Do I say it again? Or do I let him bring it up? I mean...he wasn't that receptive to me saying that I liked him etc...and I know I was as confusing as hell... I'm just scared that he'll run away if I say I want to be with him you know? Stupid I know....I need to be more confident about myself.
God I'm so stupid when it comes to men ha ha ha
VictorM's advice:
Awwww... stop saying you're stupid about guys. You're just someone who wants things to go right. What's wrong with that? Nothing.
I can tell you with much certainty that once he asked you for a relationship and you responded a "little sarcastic and defensive" you bruised his ego. Now, like the little child that men can be when that happens, he wants to hurt you back too, hence all the talk about other women and rejecting your statements that you like him. Your words are not enough to remove the bruised ego.
You need to put a Band-Aid on the boo-boo that you created. You need to go out on a limb to reassure him that you mean business. You need to say to him something along these lines:
I like you a lot and want us to give it a go at a serious relationship. I know you asked me that before and I didn't respond well because I was surprised and scared. I'm so sorry about that. Since then I have thought about it carefully and I really would like for us to give it a serious shot. Let's please stop the talk about other women and other men because I want us to focus on each other exclusively.
Resist the temptation to add more weepy stuff. He's a guy.
The key sentence is "I'm so sorry about that". Make sure you emphasize the word "so", as in "I'm sooo sorry about that." Hearing you apologize is the band-aid his ego needs.
If he runs way, well... he was going to run away no matter when you had this talk. The sooner you find out the better so that you can go on with your life.
Thank you for your response.... and yep you make a lot of sense. I'm an idiot I know!! I'm just a little scared I guess because I've been through quite a few bad relationships and you're right my attitude has been childish and defensive.
A few more questions though.....he messaged me on msn today...and said to me that he's been asked out by 3 women already this week and can't understand what's the matter with us all!! He said he can't be arsed to go out with any of these women...as he hasn't got the time etc. We chatted about other things...and then he went. He always talks about other women to me...is this to get a reaction from me? And how should I react? Because I don't do jealousy that often...and in all honesty I know for a fact that he's not been asked out by 3 women this week. So why did he feel the need to tell me?
Also...how should I broach the subject of us being together? Do I say it again? Or do I let him bring it up? I mean...he wasn't that receptive to me saying that I liked him etc...and I know I was as confusing as hell... I'm just scared that he'll run away if I say I want to be with him you know? Stupid I know....I need to be more confident about myself.
God I'm so stupid when it comes to men ha ha ha
VictorM's advice:
Awwww... stop saying you're stupid about guys. You're just someone who wants things to go right. What's wrong with that? Nothing.
I can tell you with much certainty that once he asked you for a relationship and you responded a "little sarcastic and defensive" you bruised his ego. Now, like the little child that men can be when that happens, he wants to hurt you back too, hence all the talk about other women and rejecting your statements that you like him. Your words are not enough to remove the bruised ego.
You need to put a Band-Aid on the boo-boo that you created. You need to go out on a limb to reassure him that you mean business. You need to say to him something along these lines:
I like you a lot and want us to give it a go at a serious relationship. I know you asked me that before and I didn't respond well because I was surprised and scared. I'm so sorry about that. Since then I have thought about it carefully and I really would like for us to give it a serious shot. Let's please stop the talk about other women and other men because I want us to focus on each other exclusively.
Resist the temptation to add more weepy stuff. He's a guy.
The key sentence is "I'm so sorry about that". Make sure you emphasize the word "so", as in "I'm sooo sorry about that." Hearing you apologize is the band-aid his ego needs.
If he runs way, well... he was going to run away no matter when you had this talk. The sooner you find out the better so that you can go on with your life.
He likes me, but he also likes this other girl too
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By Nicole, 18, from Wisconsin:
I really like this boy and he likes me, but he also likes this other girl too. He said he likes me more, but he told me he wanted to hangout with her to see who he really wanted to be with more. He has never done stuff with her but he has with me. He tells me how much he really cares about me and how much he like me. I just don't like being second choice. If he likes me as much as he says he does then he should know. I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
It is in your best interest that he spend time with her so that he removes whatever lingering doubt he has. His situation is very common and it's quite good of him to tell you about it.
Give him some time but be ready to move on to someone new if he takes too long. He shouldn't need more than a couple weeks to decide and it should not be a back-and forth between the two girls. Meanwhile, be as nice as always but make yourself a little scarce; until he's ready to commit to you he is not your boyfriend and you should act accordingly.
I really like this boy and he likes me, but he also likes this other girl too. He said he likes me more, but he told me he wanted to hangout with her to see who he really wanted to be with more. He has never done stuff with her but he has with me. He tells me how much he really cares about me and how much he like me. I just don't like being second choice. If he likes me as much as he says he does then he should know. I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
It is in your best interest that he spend time with her so that he removes whatever lingering doubt he has. His situation is very common and it's quite good of him to tell you about it.
Give him some time but be ready to move on to someone new if he takes too long. He shouldn't need more than a couple weeks to decide and it should not be a back-and forth between the two girls. Meanwhile, be as nice as always but make yourself a little scarce; until he's ready to commit to you he is not your boyfriend and you should act accordingly.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Sweetie or sweetheart
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By meesha, 20, from usa:
What does it mean when your fiance's friend calls you "sweetie" or "sweetheart"? Is it something to be concerned about or not? Better yet, why does he still hug you even when you put out your hand to shake???
VictorM's advice:
The type of behavior you describe is easily affected by culture and personality. Some cultures are much more receptive to terms of endearment or physical signs of affection than others. And some people are more apt to do those things than others. It could also be that he's gay. My point is that the behavior, by itself, doesn't mean he has sinister reasons.
If either culture, sexual orientation, or personality is the reason, you should also be able to observe him behaving the same way with other women. If he only does it with you that's a different story and reason for concern.
Regardless of the reason, if his behavior makes you uncomfortable you should ask him politely but sternly to please stop it. It doesn't matter why he does it, he should respect your preference.
If after that the problem still persists, mention it to your fiance.
What does it mean when your fiance's friend calls you "sweetie" or "sweetheart"? Is it something to be concerned about or not? Better yet, why does he still hug you even when you put out your hand to shake???
VictorM's advice:
The type of behavior you describe is easily affected by culture and personality. Some cultures are much more receptive to terms of endearment or physical signs of affection than others. And some people are more apt to do those things than others. It could also be that he's gay. My point is that the behavior, by itself, doesn't mean he has sinister reasons.
If either culture, sexual orientation, or personality is the reason, you should also be able to observe him behaving the same way with other women. If he only does it with you that's a different story and reason for concern.
Regardless of the reason, if his behavior makes you uncomfortable you should ask him politely but sternly to please stop it. It doesn't matter why he does it, he should respect your preference.
If after that the problem still persists, mention it to your fiance.
No such thing as a perfect boyfriend
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By Alex, 18, from Newzealand:
They can get really complicated at times, rarely simple and in fact, finding a happy ending is one of a kind. Well a friend tells me that there's no such thing as a perfect boyfriend and I guess he's right. Finally, he's starting to talk some sense. Well, I think he's right and some girls talk about finding the right guy, not only girls but a few of the guys as well. Most guys don't look for long time, just a good time (a frends words) and I'm ashamed to say that I'm just a guy. But yeah, changing is hard. Well, back to the topic. There is no such thing as the perfect guy or girl. There is only the normal girl or guy. Being single for the past few months has made me realize that I miss being wanted by someone or eagerly waiting for her to reply to a text I just sent and especially making her smile. What I'm saying is that all guys are humans as well and we do feel just as much as you girls.
VictorM's comment:
True, everyone is an adjustment. And I agree that we feel as much as girls, we just don't think about it as much, and we certainly don't talk about it as much. We also don't demand gifts as proof of love.
Of course, I'm talking about the 57 sane guys on this planet. :)
OK... Alex makes it 58.
They can get really complicated at times, rarely simple and in fact, finding a happy ending is one of a kind. Well a friend tells me that there's no such thing as a perfect boyfriend and I guess he's right. Finally, he's starting to talk some sense. Well, I think he's right and some girls talk about finding the right guy, not only girls but a few of the guys as well. Most guys don't look for long time, just a good time (a frends words) and I'm ashamed to say that I'm just a guy. But yeah, changing is hard. Well, back to the topic. There is no such thing as the perfect guy or girl. There is only the normal girl or guy. Being single for the past few months has made me realize that I miss being wanted by someone or eagerly waiting for her to reply to a text I just sent and especially making her smile. What I'm saying is that all guys are humans as well and we do feel just as much as you girls.
VictorM's comment:
True, everyone is an adjustment. And I agree that we feel as much as girls, we just don't think about it as much, and we certainly don't talk about it as much. We also don't demand gifts as proof of love.
Of course, I'm talking about the 57 sane guys on this planet. :)
OK... Alex makes it 58.
I’m not a home wrecker.
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By Ryann, 20, from Las Vegas:
I have a guy friend that I really like (I’m 20 and he’s 27). I catch him staring at me all the time and he is always playfully hitting me and joking around. He and I will go places together and he frequently pays for whatever we are doing. I house sat last week and he called me every night that I was gone and we would talk on the phone for hours. He told me that he didn’t want me to be lonely or bored. I have had quite a few people tell me that they are positive he likes me because they see the way he acts and looks at me. He will sometimes make comments that leave me confused. The other day I was telling him my parents are 8 years apart. Then he turned to me and he was like “that would be like if we were dating.” Or another time we were playfully hitting each other and he was like “Damn, if you and I were dating we would be black and blue”. Does he like me?
Now here’s for the hard part. He’s engaged. And he has been with her for 9 years. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not a home wrecker. I wouldn’t do anything with him. I want to, but I never would if he was still with her. Anyways he proposed to her last Christmas and they still haven’t set a date. They don’t live together and they only see each other once or twice a week. Other than that, they will talk on the phone a couple times a day. She is also going to be leaving here for another four years of college in another city, and he’s not going with her.
I don’t know what to do. I want to tell him that I like him, but I don’t know how or even if I really should. I wouldn’t even know how to go about telling him. And I don’t want to ruin our relationship either. I’m really confused. I find myself thinking about him constantly and I feel horrible because I know I shouldn’t feel that way for someone who’s taken, but you can’t help who you like right?
VictorM's advice:
As Woody Allen said: "The heart wants what the heart wants." You can't help feeling how you do. But I don't think you are confused; you know what the right thing to do is, you're just not willing to do it. And what is the right thing to do?
Let me ask you: would you still do with him what you do and spend as much time with him as you do if he was already married? If you were in his fiance's shoes, what would you think of a girl like you? If you had a fiance that was spending as much time with a girl like you, what would you think of him?
You're not responsible for his behavior and whether or not he's being disrespectful to his fiance, but by answering the questions above you have control over what is the right thing for you to do.
As Nike says: "Just do it!"
I have a guy friend that I really like (I’m 20 and he’s 27). I catch him staring at me all the time and he is always playfully hitting me and joking around. He and I will go places together and he frequently pays for whatever we are doing. I house sat last week and he called me every night that I was gone and we would talk on the phone for hours. He told me that he didn’t want me to be lonely or bored. I have had quite a few people tell me that they are positive he likes me because they see the way he acts and looks at me. He will sometimes make comments that leave me confused. The other day I was telling him my parents are 8 years apart. Then he turned to me and he was like “that would be like if we were dating.” Or another time we were playfully hitting each other and he was like “Damn, if you and I were dating we would be black and blue”. Does he like me?
Now here’s for the hard part. He’s engaged. And he has been with her for 9 years. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not a home wrecker. I wouldn’t do anything with him. I want to, but I never would if he was still with her. Anyways he proposed to her last Christmas and they still haven’t set a date. They don’t live together and they only see each other once or twice a week. Other than that, they will talk on the phone a couple times a day. She is also going to be leaving here for another four years of college in another city, and he’s not going with her.
I don’t know what to do. I want to tell him that I like him, but I don’t know how or even if I really should. I wouldn’t even know how to go about telling him. And I don’t want to ruin our relationship either. I’m really confused. I find myself thinking about him constantly and I feel horrible because I know I shouldn’t feel that way for someone who’s taken, but you can’t help who you like right?
VictorM's advice:
As Woody Allen said: "The heart wants what the heart wants." You can't help feeling how you do. But I don't think you are confused; you know what the right thing to do is, you're just not willing to do it. And what is the right thing to do?
Let me ask you: would you still do with him what you do and spend as much time with him as you do if he was already married? If you were in his fiance's shoes, what would you think of a girl like you? If you had a fiance that was spending as much time with a girl like you, what would you think of him?
You're not responsible for his behavior and whether or not he's being disrespectful to his fiance, but by answering the questions above you have control over what is the right thing for you to do.
As Nike says: "Just do it!"
The butterflies are gone
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By annonomyous, 20 something:
Is the end of the "honeymooning" phase inevitible in a serious relationship? Does moving in with someone put a damper on the relationship? I am worried about both of these questions. I have been dating the most wonderful guy for over a year and a half and have spent almost everyday with him. We hit it off from day one and neither wanted a minute apart. We still always are together and he doesn't seem like he wants a break either but the feeling is different. Sometimes I feel we are moving backward. The butterflies are gone. The romantic gestures are gone. There are brother and sister fights. Are we growing apart, or is this typical in a healthy relationship? I don't want to set myself up for failure, but at the same time, don't want to make a mistake on something what could have been perfect. Who knows...I did just watch the Bachelor...maybe some of my confusion is stemming from their experiences!
VictorM's advice:
The butterflies will go away, things will simmer down, and some "cold-feet" moments do happen. That's just normal. The kind of romantic intensity we feel at first can't be sustained. The fights are all part of the process of adjusting to each other. That you have fights is not a problem; it's how you resolve those fights that matters.
You're just moving in with the guy, it's not like you'll be joined at the hip by a surgery that can't be undone. Will living together put a damper on your relationship? It could. Or it could make it better. Either way it goes, you only know by doing it.
One of the most common complaints by women is how men become lazy once they feel secure in a relationship. Your comment that "the romantic gestures are gone" seems to indicate you're there. It will not get any better once you live together unless the issue is brought up and discussed. But thinking the next guy or the guy after is going to be better in this department is really banking on very long odds. You're better off working on this guy to try and maintain some level of romance.
Is the end of the "honeymooning" phase inevitible in a serious relationship? Does moving in with someone put a damper on the relationship? I am worried about both of these questions. I have been dating the most wonderful guy for over a year and a half and have spent almost everyday with him. We hit it off from day one and neither wanted a minute apart. We still always are together and he doesn't seem like he wants a break either but the feeling is different. Sometimes I feel we are moving backward. The butterflies are gone. The romantic gestures are gone. There are brother and sister fights. Are we growing apart, or is this typical in a healthy relationship? I don't want to set myself up for failure, but at the same time, don't want to make a mistake on something what could have been perfect. Who knows...I did just watch the Bachelor...maybe some of my confusion is stemming from their experiences!
VictorM's advice:
The butterflies will go away, things will simmer down, and some "cold-feet" moments do happen. That's just normal. The kind of romantic intensity we feel at first can't be sustained. The fights are all part of the process of adjusting to each other. That you have fights is not a problem; it's how you resolve those fights that matters.
You're just moving in with the guy, it's not like you'll be joined at the hip by a surgery that can't be undone. Will living together put a damper on your relationship? It could. Or it could make it better. Either way it goes, you only know by doing it.
One of the most common complaints by women is how men become lazy once they feel secure in a relationship. Your comment that "the romantic gestures are gone" seems to indicate you're there. It will not get any better once you live together unless the issue is brought up and discussed. But thinking the next guy or the guy after is going to be better in this department is really banking on very long odds. You're better off working on this guy to try and maintain some level of romance.
I have been surprising my boyfriend with sexy photos
Submitted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007
By xoxo, 21:
I have been surprising my boyfriend with sexy photos of myself in his email. At first he LOVED it, but now he's starting to call me a 'whore' because he thinks I would show those pictures to just anybody, which I would never do. I take care of myself and my body, I always thought it was like every man's dream to have a girlfriend who could be in a Playboy if she wanted to, but she just keeps it all for his eyes only. I love this man to death and I meant these photos in a romantic way.
Now I feel like I ruined the image he had of me. I don't understand what is so wrong with wanting to be sexy for ur boyfriend. What is up with him?
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, I'm dismayed that you managed to accept this as your problem ("I feel I ruined the image...") instead of thinking "What an asshole this guy is."
I'm not saying this because of the pictures themselves -- he had every right to tell you that sexy pictures are not his thing -- but to call you names and insinuate what he did, and for you to not recognize what a jerk you're dealing with is mind boggling.
You're not going to just have a problem with him over sexy pictures; you will have all kinds of problems when you wear certain clothes he finds slutty, maybe when you smile at some guy he doesn't like, etc. His reaction now opened a window into his personality and you're refusing to look into it.
So, what's up with him? He's a guy with a significantly different view of the world than yours, at least when it comes to sexuality. And he just let you know that he will not deal with those differences in a rational, respectful way. That's not a good omen for what the future holds for you and how you will be treated.
Really, the more pertinent question is: what's up with you that you are so in love with such a jerk but can't see it? Is love really this blind? If so, I pity you.
I have been surprising my boyfriend with sexy photos of myself in his email. At first he LOVED it, but now he's starting to call me a 'whore' because he thinks I would show those pictures to just anybody, which I would never do. I take care of myself and my body, I always thought it was like every man's dream to have a girlfriend who could be in a Playboy if she wanted to, but she just keeps it all for his eyes only. I love this man to death and I meant these photos in a romantic way.
Now I feel like I ruined the image he had of me. I don't understand what is so wrong with wanting to be sexy for ur boyfriend. What is up with him?
VictorM's advice:
Frankly, I'm dismayed that you managed to accept this as your problem ("I feel I ruined the image...") instead of thinking "What an asshole this guy is."
I'm not saying this because of the pictures themselves -- he had every right to tell you that sexy pictures are not his thing -- but to call you names and insinuate what he did, and for you to not recognize what a jerk you're dealing with is mind boggling.
You're not going to just have a problem with him over sexy pictures; you will have all kinds of problems when you wear certain clothes he finds slutty, maybe when you smile at some guy he doesn't like, etc. His reaction now opened a window into his personality and you're refusing to look into it.
So, what's up with him? He's a guy with a significantly different view of the world than yours, at least when it comes to sexuality. And he just let you know that he will not deal with those differences in a rational, respectful way. That's not a good omen for what the future holds for you and how you will be treated.
Really, the more pertinent question is: what's up with you that you are so in love with such a jerk but can't see it? Is love really this blind? If so, I pity you.
He doesn't want to put me through the agony of waiting
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By Jacqueline, 16, from Illinois:
I've been really good friends with a guy for over 4 months now. We've just about been dating each other. The thing is, when I told him I didn't want to just be "hook-ups" anymore, he was okay with it. There was only one problem. The problem was that he had just started basketball. Now being on a varsity basketball team means barely any free time at all. Should I wait around for him to be done with basketball? Should he have already asked me out? What else can I do to prove to him that I don't need too much time, a phone call or text message is alright with me, but he doesn't want to put me through the agony of waiting. What would you do? What does this mean? Is he really here for me or does he just want a few hook-ups?
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure tons of bastekball players have girlfriends. It's not like it's an 18 hours a day job. I think it's just an excuse. He likes you in small dosages and without commitment.
You could wait till the basketball season is over, but don't be surprise if he gets involved in something else that means he has "barely any free time at all."
By Jacqueline, 16, from Illinois:
I've been really good friends with a guy for over 4 months now. We've just about been dating each other. The thing is, when I told him I didn't want to just be "hook-ups" anymore, he was okay with it. There was only one problem. The problem was that he had just started basketball. Now being on a varsity basketball team means barely any free time at all. Should I wait around for him to be done with basketball? Should he have already asked me out? What else can I do to prove to him that I don't need too much time, a phone call or text message is alright with me, but he doesn't want to put me through the agony of waiting. What would you do? What does this mean? Is he really here for me or does he just want a few hook-ups?
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure tons of bastekball players have girlfriends. It's not like it's an 18 hours a day job. I think it's just an excuse. He likes you in small dosages and without commitment.
You could wait till the basketball season is over, but don't be surprise if he gets involved in something else that means he has "barely any free time at all."
Was he just wanting to get in my pants?
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By kelsey, 16, from exeter, california:
Okay I've been talking to this guy for about 3 months now. The first time we hung out was at a keg party and we ended up making out. We exchanged numbers that night and he promised me he would call me and that we would hang out during the week. Well he didn't call me like he said he would. But he did end up calling me on Saturday night (a week later). And we hung out at a keg party again and we hooked up again. The same process happened again, he promised he would call and didn't until a week later. And it bothered me a little, but since we had just started seeing each other it wasn't a big deal. We ended up hooking up again that weekend. SAME PROCESS AGAIN. No call until the weekend. Okay, now I was starting to get frustrated cause he said he would call me and never did. So I ended up hooking up with him again the next weekend and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I really really like this guy, but the no calling thing bothered me, so I told him that when he could prove to me that he will start calling me everyday and at least try to see me during the weekdays I would say yes to being his girlfriend. I can tell he was a little hurt that I didn't say yes, but I had to stand my ground. I thought since he asked me out that he would at least start calling. But no calls again until Saturday night. And that weekend we ended up having sex. It wasn't his first time, but it was mine...so that was a big deal for me. And I told him that he has to start calling me and we have to start seeing each other more and he said "I PROMISE I will call you and see you more. I really like you and I want all of this to work out for us." Well, NO CALLS AGAIN! Okay so now I was pissed. But when I see him I couldn't be mad at him cause when we are together he is always so sweet. Well, we ended up having sex again that same weekend. And he asked me out again. And I said that he needed to start calling more if he wanted me to be his girlfriend. And he said that he would start calling me more if I was his girlfriend. So I took a chance and said yes to being his girlfriend (thinking that I would get more phone calls). WELL NO CALLS AGAIN. So I don't know whether to stick with this guy or what? So my question to you is, why doesn't he call me if he says he likes me so much and wants to be with me? It just doesn't make sense. Do you think that all along he was just wanting to get in my pants?
VictorM's advice:
OooooKayyy... I really, really will try to be nice.
Yes, Kelsey, I think he only wanted to get in your pants. And he succeeded because you are too gullible and too forgiving.
He didn't call because talking to you is not what he's after. Besides, why should he call you? It's not like it made any difference that he didn't. You still accepted him and slept with him.
Don't stick with this guy.
By kelsey, 16, from exeter, california:
Okay I've been talking to this guy for about 3 months now. The first time we hung out was at a keg party and we ended up making out. We exchanged numbers that night and he promised me he would call me and that we would hang out during the week. Well he didn't call me like he said he would. But he did end up calling me on Saturday night (a week later). And we hung out at a keg party again and we hooked up again. The same process happened again, he promised he would call and didn't until a week later. And it bothered me a little, but since we had just started seeing each other it wasn't a big deal. We ended up hooking up again that weekend. SAME PROCESS AGAIN. No call until the weekend. Okay, now I was starting to get frustrated cause he said he would call me and never did. So I ended up hooking up with him again the next weekend and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I really really like this guy, but the no calling thing bothered me, so I told him that when he could prove to me that he will start calling me everyday and at least try to see me during the weekdays I would say yes to being his girlfriend. I can tell he was a little hurt that I didn't say yes, but I had to stand my ground. I thought since he asked me out that he would at least start calling. But no calls again until Saturday night. And that weekend we ended up having sex. It wasn't his first time, but it was mine...so that was a big deal for me. And I told him that he has to start calling me and we have to start seeing each other more and he said "I PROMISE I will call you and see you more. I really like you and I want all of this to work out for us." Well, NO CALLS AGAIN! Okay so now I was pissed. But when I see him I couldn't be mad at him cause when we are together he is always so sweet. Well, we ended up having sex again that same weekend. And he asked me out again. And I said that he needed to start calling more if he wanted me to be his girlfriend. And he said that he would start calling me more if I was his girlfriend. So I took a chance and said yes to being his girlfriend (thinking that I would get more phone calls). WELL NO CALLS AGAIN. So I don't know whether to stick with this guy or what? So my question to you is, why doesn't he call me if he says he likes me so much and wants to be with me? It just doesn't make sense. Do you think that all along he was just wanting to get in my pants?
VictorM's advice:
OooooKayyy... I really, really will try to be nice.
Yes, Kelsey, I think he only wanted to get in your pants. And he succeeded because you are too gullible and too forgiving.
He didn't call because talking to you is not what he's after. Besides, why should he call you? It's not like it made any difference that he didn't. You still accepted him and slept with him.
Don't stick with this guy.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
My boyfriend keeps poking my boob
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By ASHLIE, 15, from: SOMEWHERE OUT THERE:
My boyfriend keeps poking my boob and I've asked him to stop! What should I do and what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means that he thinks your boobs are a toy and that he's a childish little prick.
What are you waiting for to break his finger?
My boyfriend keeps poking my boob and I've asked him to stop! What should I do and what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means that he thinks your boobs are a toy and that he's a childish little prick.
What are you waiting for to break his finger?
He doesn't contact me out of college times
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By Rosie, 19, from Wembley:
There's this guy I like...and I've known him for about 2 months now. Other people keep getting the impression that we're 'together' because we always seem to be together, always hanging out and stuff at college. But he doesn't contact me out of college times so I'm not sure whether he likes me or not. One minute he'll seem so keen to talk to me and will be phoning me to meet him at lunch and even walk with me to the station. We'll get on really well.. and then he'll suddenly switch and try and get away from me...which is confusing. He gets jealous when I talk to other guys and tends to try and get my attention away from them. He even gets funny about certain things like what I wear..the other day we went into the local shop round the corner from college and the shop keeper thought something was up because he asked him in front of me to take me out!! So he must have been able to sense the chemistry or something and at first he kept quiet but the shop keeper kept on persisting (completely embarrassing me) and then he confessed he had a girlfriend. But he's never mentioned her before, and after we walked out from the shop he still never mentioned her. I don't know what to think because I'm begining to really like him. But now I'm thinking I should back off from him. But when I do...he contacts me...what should I do?? And he has a girlfriend!
VictorM's advice:
Ask him point blank if he does have a girlfriend. If he says yes, you should back off. If he says no, then continue your friendship as you are. Maybe he's not interested in taking you out at this time. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you, it may just mean he wants to take things slow and know more about you before investing his feelings in a relationship.
There's this guy I like...and I've known him for about 2 months now. Other people keep getting the impression that we're 'together' because we always seem to be together, always hanging out and stuff at college. But he doesn't contact me out of college times so I'm not sure whether he likes me or not. One minute he'll seem so keen to talk to me and will be phoning me to meet him at lunch and even walk with me to the station. We'll get on really well.. and then he'll suddenly switch and try and get away from me...which is confusing. He gets jealous when I talk to other guys and tends to try and get my attention away from them. He even gets funny about certain things like what I wear..the other day we went into the local shop round the corner from college and the shop keeper thought something was up because he asked him in front of me to take me out!! So he must have been able to sense the chemistry or something and at first he kept quiet but the shop keeper kept on persisting (completely embarrassing me) and then he confessed he had a girlfriend. But he's never mentioned her before, and after we walked out from the shop he still never mentioned her. I don't know what to think because I'm begining to really like him. But now I'm thinking I should back off from him. But when I do...he contacts me...what should I do?? And he has a girlfriend!
VictorM's advice:
Ask him point blank if he does have a girlfriend. If he says yes, you should back off. If he says no, then continue your friendship as you are. Maybe he's not interested in taking you out at this time. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you, it may just mean he wants to take things slow and know more about you before investing his feelings in a relationship.
I started off having a no string thing with a guy
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By sara, 28, from uk:
I started off having a no string thing with a guy...it was only supposed to be a few times before I moved away. However my travel plans have fallen through and we've ended up seeing each other 1-2 times a week for the last 2+ months. We talk practically every day either through msn or texts.
About a month ago he said that he really likes me and said maybe we should start a relationship. I was a bit shocked at this...and didn't react that well as I was a little sarcastic and defensive back to him. Mainly because I've been hurt in the past and was wary of whether he actually meant this or was just playing games with me etc. I told him that I liked him too...and we both joked that we would have to move away because work would mess us up (we work in the same place).
Since then he's made comments about how we should really be 'seeing each other' by now...how I'm his 'ideal woman'...etc etc. He's also asked me over to his just for a 'cuddle' too...and we've not had sex. He also 'warned' a guy off that was messaging me on facebook...something which I didn't really ask him to do...
He contradicts himself though in that he talks about being single forever and that he'll never find himself in a relationship again. Last Sunday we spent a nice eve together just cuddling and talking. He made a joke about having a humping ban (no sex)...so in the afternoon I text him to say do you think this humping ban will help me get over the crush I have for you? Or will it make me want you more? ;)..... He text back saying there had better be no feelings or crushes getting involved!!!
We text back and forth....with me saying that I liked him and I was bored with just playing about and that it would be nice to spend some more time together...and that maybe it was best that we just remained friends so I can go and find myself a partner in crime...his texts said...that me or no one else will get him in a relationship for a long time and that he can't or won't have feelings for anyone. The last text I sent him said that I wasn't asking for a relationship....was just asking for a bit more than hooking up on the weekends. He hasn't replied to that text.
This is the first time I've ever brough up us being something more....it's usually him saying things like 'we should do this more often'...he bought me a toothbrush....left things at my house...etc... I've been so careful not to blur the lines etc but he has.
So what does all this mean?? I know he was really hurt in his last relationship and has been through a lot the last few years with his dad dying etc....but is he just saying to me...I don't want anything more with you than what we have? On Sunday he even asked me to go to a concert with him...so him responding to my texts the way he has has made no sense to me.
What should I do next?? I really do like him and we have the best time with each other. It just seems like such a shame to not spend more time together just to see what develops you know? I thought it was better to be honest with him because I was starting to feel uncomfortable with things. So why has he suggested a relationhip at the beginning? Why bring up things about us seeing each other? Asking me over just to cuddle? and then when I tell him that I like him he gets all defensive and totally dismisses the idea?
VictorM's advice:
Why is he defensive? Let's see, using your own words... when he brought up a relationship, you "didn't react that well as I was a little sarcastic and defensive", you talked about wanting to "get over a crush" for him (crush = very childish, non-committal language), you then told him that "maybe it was best that we just remained friends so I can go and find myself a partner in crime", and the last text to him you said "I wasn't asking for a relationship".
Starting with that last quote, how can you say that you have been honest with the guy? That simply is not true. You have been a bag of mixed messages, using words like "crush" and "like", joking about work, joking about getting another guy, and starting the whole thing with no strings, and now you're puzzled as to why he's defensive?
You want to be honest with him? Then tell him you've been an idiot with your responses, jokes, deflections, innuendo, childish language, and defensiveness. Tell him you want a relationship. Commit yourself to what you say you want by being direct with him. Give him an honest and direct opportunity to commit to you or to turn you down. End the games!
Clearly he has done enough to let you know that he's serious about being with you. You're the one pussyfooting around the issue.
By sara, 28, from uk:
I started off having a no string thing with a guy...it was only supposed to be a few times before I moved away. However my travel plans have fallen through and we've ended up seeing each other 1-2 times a week for the last 2+ months. We talk practically every day either through msn or texts.
About a month ago he said that he really likes me and said maybe we should start a relationship. I was a bit shocked at this...and didn't react that well as I was a little sarcastic and defensive back to him. Mainly because I've been hurt in the past and was wary of whether he actually meant this or was just playing games with me etc. I told him that I liked him too...and we both joked that we would have to move away because work would mess us up (we work in the same place).
Since then he's made comments about how we should really be 'seeing each other' by now...how I'm his 'ideal woman'...etc etc. He's also asked me over to his just for a 'cuddle' too...and we've not had sex. He also 'warned' a guy off that was messaging me on facebook...something which I didn't really ask him to do...
He contradicts himself though in that he talks about being single forever and that he'll never find himself in a relationship again. Last Sunday we spent a nice eve together just cuddling and talking. He made a joke about having a humping ban (no sex)...so in the afternoon I text him to say do you think this humping ban will help me get over the crush I have for you? Or will it make me want you more? ;)..... He text back saying there had better be no feelings or crushes getting involved!!!
We text back and forth....with me saying that I liked him and I was bored with just playing about and that it would be nice to spend some more time together...and that maybe it was best that we just remained friends so I can go and find myself a partner in crime...his texts said...that me or no one else will get him in a relationship for a long time and that he can't or won't have feelings for anyone. The last text I sent him said that I wasn't asking for a relationship....was just asking for a bit more than hooking up on the weekends. He hasn't replied to that text.
This is the first time I've ever brough up us being something more....it's usually him saying things like 'we should do this more often'...he bought me a toothbrush....left things at my house...etc... I've been so careful not to blur the lines etc but he has.
So what does all this mean?? I know he was really hurt in his last relationship and has been through a lot the last few years with his dad dying etc....but is he just saying to me...I don't want anything more with you than what we have? On Sunday he even asked me to go to a concert with him...so him responding to my texts the way he has has made no sense to me.
What should I do next?? I really do like him and we have the best time with each other. It just seems like such a shame to not spend more time together just to see what develops you know? I thought it was better to be honest with him because I was starting to feel uncomfortable with things. So why has he suggested a relationhip at the beginning? Why bring up things about us seeing each other? Asking me over just to cuddle? and then when I tell him that I like him he gets all defensive and totally dismisses the idea?
VictorM's advice:
Why is he defensive? Let's see, using your own words... when he brought up a relationship, you "didn't react that well as I was a little sarcastic and defensive", you talked about wanting to "get over a crush" for him (crush = very childish, non-committal language), you then told him that "maybe it was best that we just remained friends so I can go and find myself a partner in crime", and the last text to him you said "I wasn't asking for a relationship".
Starting with that last quote, how can you say that you have been honest with the guy? That simply is not true. You have been a bag of mixed messages, using words like "crush" and "like", joking about work, joking about getting another guy, and starting the whole thing with no strings, and now you're puzzled as to why he's defensive?
You want to be honest with him? Then tell him you've been an idiot with your responses, jokes, deflections, innuendo, childish language, and defensiveness. Tell him you want a relationship. Commit yourself to what you say you want by being direct with him. Give him an honest and direct opportunity to commit to you or to turn you down. End the games!
Clearly he has done enough to let you know that he's serious about being with you. You're the one pussyfooting around the issue.
He has financial problems
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By NANCY, 45, from Alabama:
I am a landlord. I rented a house to a 45 year old man who is attractive and has a great personality. Although I am his landlord and try to keep it "business", we hit it off from the start. We would make plans, only for him to cancel at the last minute. I now realize that he has financial problems because he has trouble paying his rent. He is now very late on his rent (2 months). He called me and said to call the next day to get the rent early in the day. I was busy, called him at 5 pm, and never got a call back. When he does call, he talks and flirts. He has told me over and again how good I look, how smart I am and he talks about me to his friends in a very good way. Could his financial problems cause him to be embarrassed around me? I am a successful real estate investor with a large net worth. I am currently opening another business and am friends with the owner of the large company he works for. He, however, has had several DUI's and some trouble with the law. He never married the mother of his children and always has his guy friends from work "hanging out" at his house. He is polite, but secretive. Is he stringing me along for free rent? I believe he will pay me eventually.
VictorM's advice:
Nah, he's just an irresponsible guy with a charming twist to his personality.
It's a little odd to me that you're good looking and successful and yet seem to be so easily affected by the flirting comments of a slacker like him.
I am a landlord. I rented a house to a 45 year old man who is attractive and has a great personality. Although I am his landlord and try to keep it "business", we hit it off from the start. We would make plans, only for him to cancel at the last minute. I now realize that he has financial problems because he has trouble paying his rent. He is now very late on his rent (2 months). He called me and said to call the next day to get the rent early in the day. I was busy, called him at 5 pm, and never got a call back. When he does call, he talks and flirts. He has told me over and again how good I look, how smart I am and he talks about me to his friends in a very good way. Could his financial problems cause him to be embarrassed around me? I am a successful real estate investor with a large net worth. I am currently opening another business and am friends with the owner of the large company he works for. He, however, has had several DUI's and some trouble with the law. He never married the mother of his children and always has his guy friends from work "hanging out" at his house. He is polite, but secretive. Is he stringing me along for free rent? I believe he will pay me eventually.
VictorM's advice:
Nah, he's just an irresponsible guy with a charming twist to his personality.
It's a little odd to me that you're good looking and successful and yet seem to be so easily affected by the flirting comments of a slacker like him.
I'm scared I am making the wrong choice
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By Lisa, 23, from Texas:
I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years now. We plan on getting married when we are done with school. I just knew he was the one. This isn't my first love, or my first serious relationship. But sometimes, I'm scared I am making the wrong choice. Especially when we bicker a lot, and cut each other down because we know just how to push each other's buttons. At the end of the day, we realize we are stupid and make up. Is this normal to happen what seems like all the time? We are both very stubborn and like our own way. We are also very passionate about each other (not just physically). I try to keep my feelings to myself because I don't want to hurt him, or give attention to something not even worth worrying over. Should I continue on with these doubts? I believe in marriage only once. I don't want to make a mistake!
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, it's totally normal to have these doubts. They are your best tools to avoid a mistake because if you don't take a critical look at your partner, and yourself, you're just sticking your head in the sand hoping for the best. Far too many couples do that.
You are not getting married tomorrow; you still have plenty of time left. Use it to get to know him, to deal with things that bother you, and to see if you continuously overcome your differences in a satisfactory way.
So don't look at your doubts as a negative thing; they are the tools you need to improve your odds of success.
I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years now. We plan on getting married when we are done with school. I just knew he was the one. This isn't my first love, or my first serious relationship. But sometimes, I'm scared I am making the wrong choice. Especially when we bicker a lot, and cut each other down because we know just how to push each other's buttons. At the end of the day, we realize we are stupid and make up. Is this normal to happen what seems like all the time? We are both very stubborn and like our own way. We are also very passionate about each other (not just physically). I try to keep my feelings to myself because I don't want to hurt him, or give attention to something not even worth worrying over. Should I continue on with these doubts? I believe in marriage only once. I don't want to make a mistake!
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, it's totally normal to have these doubts. They are your best tools to avoid a mistake because if you don't take a critical look at your partner, and yourself, you're just sticking your head in the sand hoping for the best. Far too many couples do that.
You are not getting married tomorrow; you still have plenty of time left. Use it to get to know him, to deal with things that bother you, and to see if you continuously overcome your differences in a satisfactory way.
So don't look at your doubts as a negative thing; they are the tools you need to improve your odds of success.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
He is always in the back of my mind
Submitted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007
By Nikki, 24, from Oklahoma:
I feel like every minute of my day, I am thinking about him....not like my world revolves around him and is based on him, but that he is always in the back of my mind. A lot of times I don't feel like he feels the same about me. He even told me "no guy feels like that". I disagree with this, but I could be wrong. Something that always seems to be an issue and contributing factor to why I feel this way is his poker and xbox playing. I am working on not being so irritated when he goes to play poker (usually 3 nights a week) or Xbox (everyday). However, a lot of the time I find myself saying: "Well, why can't we do something together? All you ever do is play your stupid xbox/go play poker." It's like I can't cut him slack and don't know why... On the other hand, I had a very painful relationship with someone in the past, where I had been cheated on several times and not knowing (over 3 years). Since, I have a very hard time trusting men. My boyfriend has never given me a reason to not trust him. For some reason, in the back of my mind, I feel programmed to assume he is cheating on me or at least doing something behind my back. He tells me I call/text him too much when he is at a friends. I can see how this is annoying. I just feel the need to keep him texting or on the phone...it comforts me. What should I do? I feel complete blame for myself. Should he cut me any slack for my past? Is my past the cause for these feelings I have? Am I just jealous of his time? Will he just have to accept this if we are going to work?
VictorM's advice:
He's right and you're wrong about that constant thinking thing. I mean, it's great to have a girl you love but there's life all around us to occupy our minds. The kind of thinking you describe borders on obsession. But you're a girl, so it's probably normal. :)
He should cut you some slack, but only so much. Why should he pay for the flaws of some other man you chose to be with? Of course your current behavior is influenced by previous experiences, but only up to a point. Be honest with yourself: were you obsessive with the other guy as you are now with this one?
His game playing sounds excessive, particularly if you feel excluded or don't feel that you don't spend enough time with him. But calling his hobbies "stupid" isn't very mature, and certainly not effective. I mean, if you offer no better alternatives, or if he feels that being with you isn't better, why be with you? Maybe once again you've picked the wrong guy but are holding on for dear life. Until something drastic happens, of course.
You shouldn't be playing second fiddle to games, and you shouldn't have to text him to feel comforted. A guy that needs that drilled into his head is the wrong guy for you. Maybe it's not that you're jealous or that you fear him cheating; maybe deep down you know he's the wrong guy but don't have the courage to do something about it.
Good, bad, or indifferent, you're a woman that needs a certain amount of attention. The right guy for you will know that and give you the attention you need. As it is, you're on the path to be a lonely, unhappy woman.
I feel like every minute of my day, I am thinking about him....not like my world revolves around him and is based on him, but that he is always in the back of my mind. A lot of times I don't feel like he feels the same about me. He even told me "no guy feels like that". I disagree with this, but I could be wrong. Something that always seems to be an issue and contributing factor to why I feel this way is his poker and xbox playing. I am working on not being so irritated when he goes to play poker (usually 3 nights a week) or Xbox (everyday). However, a lot of the time I find myself saying: "Well, why can't we do something together? All you ever do is play your stupid xbox/go play poker." It's like I can't cut him slack and don't know why... On the other hand, I had a very painful relationship with someone in the past, where I had been cheated on several times and not knowing (over 3 years). Since, I have a very hard time trusting men. My boyfriend has never given me a reason to not trust him. For some reason, in the back of my mind, I feel programmed to assume he is cheating on me or at least doing something behind my back. He tells me I call/text him too much when he is at a friends. I can see how this is annoying. I just feel the need to keep him texting or on the phone...it comforts me. What should I do? I feel complete blame for myself. Should he cut me any slack for my past? Is my past the cause for these feelings I have? Am I just jealous of his time? Will he just have to accept this if we are going to work?
VictorM's advice:
He's right and you're wrong about that constant thinking thing. I mean, it's great to have a girl you love but there's life all around us to occupy our minds. The kind of thinking you describe borders on obsession. But you're a girl, so it's probably normal. :)
He should cut you some slack, but only so much. Why should he pay for the flaws of some other man you chose to be with? Of course your current behavior is influenced by previous experiences, but only up to a point. Be honest with yourself: were you obsessive with the other guy as you are now with this one?
His game playing sounds excessive, particularly if you feel excluded or don't feel that you don't spend enough time with him. But calling his hobbies "stupid" isn't very mature, and certainly not effective. I mean, if you offer no better alternatives, or if he feels that being with you isn't better, why be with you? Maybe once again you've picked the wrong guy but are holding on for dear life. Until something drastic happens, of course.
You shouldn't be playing second fiddle to games, and you shouldn't have to text him to feel comforted. A guy that needs that drilled into his head is the wrong guy for you. Maybe it's not that you're jealous or that you fear him cheating; maybe deep down you know he's the wrong guy but don't have the courage to do something about it.
Good, bad, or indifferent, you're a woman that needs a certain amount of attention. The right guy for you will know that and give you the attention you need. As it is, you're on the path to be a lonely, unhappy woman.
I met this guy at a bar
Submitted on Monday, November 19, 2007
By Crissy, 21, from Massachusetts:
So, I met this guy at a bar, and we seemed to hit it off. We talked on and off for a week on AIM and the phone. He gave me his entire life story...all about his Dad, Mom, brother, and sister. He then told me he was looking for a nice girl. He even asked to see a picture of my ex-boyfriend. We ended up hooking up one night over my place, although he did have a little trouble performing. The next day I brought him home, and then later on he called me. Two days later he calls me up, drunk, saying that he wanted me to come over and the next time he went home to NY he wanted me to come. We ended up hanging out a few days later, watched a movie. Then he texted me the next day saying he wanted to cuddle. I went over later that night and we hooked up again. Then I tried to talk to him the next few days...no response at all. He seemed to be ignoring me and having an attitude with me. I was completely confused... I still am. We didn't get in a fight or anything like that. So now I am at a loss with what to do. What do you think all this means?
VictorM's advice:
It means he doesn't feel the need to cuddle with you. He'll call you if and when he wants that. And of course, it also means that he wants little more than some physical coziness.
"But he was so into me!" you might say. Well, he WAS. Sometimes, attraction last a lifetime, sometimes not nearly as long, and often, just a few days. There is no expiration date, no minimum duration. And when the attraction ends, it usually happens *snap*... just like that!
Assuming he's not in a hospital or morgue, he's hiding from you because he doesn't know how to tell you that he's not into you anymore.
So, I met this guy at a bar, and we seemed to hit it off. We talked on and off for a week on AIM and the phone. He gave me his entire life story...all about his Dad, Mom, brother, and sister. He then told me he was looking for a nice girl. He even asked to see a picture of my ex-boyfriend. We ended up hooking up one night over my place, although he did have a little trouble performing. The next day I brought him home, and then later on he called me. Two days later he calls me up, drunk, saying that he wanted me to come over and the next time he went home to NY he wanted me to come. We ended up hanging out a few days later, watched a movie. Then he texted me the next day saying he wanted to cuddle. I went over later that night and we hooked up again. Then I tried to talk to him the next few days...no response at all. He seemed to be ignoring me and having an attitude with me. I was completely confused... I still am. We didn't get in a fight or anything like that. So now I am at a loss with what to do. What do you think all this means?
VictorM's advice:
It means he doesn't feel the need to cuddle with you. He'll call you if and when he wants that. And of course, it also means that he wants little more than some physical coziness.
"But he was so into me!" you might say. Well, he WAS. Sometimes, attraction last a lifetime, sometimes not nearly as long, and often, just a few days. There is no expiration date, no minimum duration. And when the attraction ends, it usually happens *snap*... just like that!
Assuming he's not in a hospital or morgue, he's hiding from you because he doesn't know how to tell you that he's not into you anymore.
We had a little kiss in the kitchen
Submitted on Monday, November 19, 2007
By lindsey, 23, from glasgow:
I met this guy at a party and we had a little kiss in the kitchen and held hands all night in front of everyone and cuddled all night on the couch and didn't try a thing, just woke up kissing me and text me all the next week. But he hasn't asked to take me out or anything and I feel that I'm always texting him first. Maybe I'm over analysing it but I like him and from the way he acted I thought he liked me too. What do I do? Ask him to come up and see me?
VictorM's advice:
Get used to texting first. Put simple, girls are needy while guys are more apt to go about their lives without the constant contact. Actually, to guys, too much texting is just plain annoying.
If you want him to visit you, invite him. What a concept, huh?
Guys are capable of the kissing and hugging and spending the night without it meaning they want more than that. Guys don't see a one night of physical contact as any more than a fun time. It may or may not be a reflection of their feelings for you. Just be warned.
I met this guy at a party and we had a little kiss in the kitchen and held hands all night in front of everyone and cuddled all night on the couch and didn't try a thing, just woke up kissing me and text me all the next week. But he hasn't asked to take me out or anything and I feel that I'm always texting him first. Maybe I'm over analysing it but I like him and from the way he acted I thought he liked me too. What do I do? Ask him to come up and see me?
VictorM's advice:
Get used to texting first. Put simple, girls are needy while guys are more apt to go about their lives without the constant contact. Actually, to guys, too much texting is just plain annoying.
If you want him to visit you, invite him. What a concept, huh?
Guys are capable of the kissing and hugging and spending the night without it meaning they want more than that. Guys don't see a one night of physical contact as any more than a fun time. It may or may not be a reflection of their feelings for you. Just be warned.
I'm having a hard time understanding guys
Submitted on Sunday, November 18, 2007
By Lily, 15:
I'm having a hard time understanding guys. Well anyways.. about my problem. There's this guy I like. He told me he liked me more than a month ago. But our conversations started getting boring, and I had a feeling he stopped liking me. After a while, our conversations started getting even more BORING! and I couldnt stand it. So we kinda stopped talking to each other. I decided to give him a break {from talking to me} was that the right thing to do? After almost a week, he started talking to me again which made me pretty surprised that he would talk to me again. And he was making excuses that I didn't want to talk to him that's why so he didn't wanna bother me. When HE was showing signs that he didn't want to talk to me, and it made me pretty confused. We had a deep talk about honesty and how we felt. Unfortunately, we both had mixed feelings about other people too. But, after we had that talk he just stopped talking to me again, so I got fed up. Then, I found out that one of his closed friends died, and I kinda knew her too, which made everything worse, he was all depressed and didn't wanna talk to anyone. I tried comforting him saying I'd be there for him anytime he needed someone to talk to. He said thanks. A week passed and he talked to me. He started sweet talking me, but I tried not falling for it again because I wasn't sure if he's just doing it for the heck of it. I asked him who he likes, and any new girl? He told me honestly that he liked me and 2 other girls. I told him just to figure out who he really wants to be with and he told me that talking to me makes him think that I'm the one. I don't know if he's really telling the truth! What should I do?! Should I keep liking him? Should I believe everything he says to me? Knowing that he likes 2 other girls.
Please help!
VictorM's advice:
He's a teenage boy. He likes more than one girl. He might like you more. That's the way boys are. It's virtually impossible to settle on one girl, at least for too long.
Should you believe him? Yes, as long as you don't take things too seriously and don't hold him to his word for more than a few days. Teen boys can change who they are attracted to faster than they grow a pimple.
I'm having a hard time understanding guys. Well anyways.. about my problem. There's this guy I like. He told me he liked me more than a month ago. But our conversations started getting boring, and I had a feeling he stopped liking me. After a while, our conversations started getting even more BORING! and I couldnt stand it. So we kinda stopped talking to each other. I decided to give him a break {from talking to me} was that the right thing to do? After almost a week, he started talking to me again which made me pretty surprised that he would talk to me again. And he was making excuses that I didn't want to talk to him that's why so he didn't wanna bother me. When HE was showing signs that he didn't want to talk to me, and it made me pretty confused. We had a deep talk about honesty and how we felt. Unfortunately, we both had mixed feelings about other people too. But, after we had that talk he just stopped talking to me again, so I got fed up. Then, I found out that one of his closed friends died, and I kinda knew her too, which made everything worse, he was all depressed and didn't wanna talk to anyone. I tried comforting him saying I'd be there for him anytime he needed someone to talk to. He said thanks. A week passed and he talked to me. He started sweet talking me, but I tried not falling for it again because I wasn't sure if he's just doing it for the heck of it. I asked him who he likes, and any new girl? He told me honestly that he liked me and 2 other girls. I told him just to figure out who he really wants to be with and he told me that talking to me makes him think that I'm the one. I don't know if he's really telling the truth! What should I do?! Should I keep liking him? Should I believe everything he says to me? Knowing that he likes 2 other girls.
Please help!
VictorM's advice:
He's a teenage boy. He likes more than one girl. He might like you more. That's the way boys are. It's virtually impossible to settle on one girl, at least for too long.
Should you believe him? Yes, as long as you don't take things too seriously and don't hold him to his word for more than a few days. Teen boys can change who they are attracted to faster than they grow a pimple.
Monday, November 19, 2007
We've recently been intimate twice
Submitted on Sunday, November 18, 2007
By Imani, 26, from NY asks:
Hi,
I've been seeing this guy for a lil over a month. We've gone out to clubs together, spent a weekend at his place once, he's come to support me at my performances, we're even talking about possibly going rock climbing next week. He's a gentleman, whenever we go out he insists on paying for everything and treats me very well. Our attraction for each other is also very strong and we've recently been intimate twice, but what I'm wondering is how can I ensure that he's not just into me for the sex? He doesn't call all that often, usually he'll send me an e-mail saying "thanks again for a great time blah blah..." cool but nothing overly affectionate. He may just not be the type to leave sweet "thinking of you" messages. We haven't talked much about relationships but earlier on when I asked he told me that he's not a casual dater (which is good) but right now he's just having fun. I don't want things to get too involved unless I can say we're actually "involved" if you know what I mean. I don't need to be his girlfriend right now or anything but I'd like to eventually become more serious. How do I broach this subject? Is it too soon??
Thanks for your help...
VictorM's advice:
You have things exactly where you want them -- a good guy, fun, no pressure -- but somehow, that's not enough. If you don't want a boyfriend now what would you want to talk about? He already told you where he stands.
Doesn't look like all he wants from you is sex, unless there's more to rock climbing than I think.
The "thinking of you" messages aren't going to come; it's just not a guy thing. And he won't show you much affection now because you're not boyfriend/girlfriend.
Basically, you got everything you want but still, you are looking for problems where none exists. How frustrating it must be.
Hi,
I've been seeing this guy for a lil over a month. We've gone out to clubs together, spent a weekend at his place once, he's come to support me at my performances, we're even talking about possibly going rock climbing next week. He's a gentleman, whenever we go out he insists on paying for everything and treats me very well. Our attraction for each other is also very strong and we've recently been intimate twice, but what I'm wondering is how can I ensure that he's not just into me for the sex? He doesn't call all that often, usually he'll send me an e-mail saying "thanks again for a great time blah blah..." cool but nothing overly affectionate. He may just not be the type to leave sweet "thinking of you" messages. We haven't talked much about relationships but earlier on when I asked he told me that he's not a casual dater (which is good) but right now he's just having fun. I don't want things to get too involved unless I can say we're actually "involved" if you know what I mean. I don't need to be his girlfriend right now or anything but I'd like to eventually become more serious. How do I broach this subject? Is it too soon??
Thanks for your help...
VictorM's advice:
You have things exactly where you want them -- a good guy, fun, no pressure -- but somehow, that's not enough. If you don't want a boyfriend now what would you want to talk about? He already told you where he stands.
Doesn't look like all he wants from you is sex, unless there's more to rock climbing than I think.
The "thinking of you" messages aren't going to come; it's just not a guy thing. And he won't show you much affection now because you're not boyfriend/girlfriend.
Basically, you got everything you want but still, you are looking for problems where none exists. How frustrating it must be.
Why are guys cheap?
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By candy, 34, from ny:
Why are guys cheap? I can't understand why this guy does not spend any money on me. I am beautiful. He is not broke.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe "beautiful" is not enough for him and he wants other things he doesn't see in you, like class, brains, personality, etc. Or maybe he's getting what he wants for free, so why pay for it?
I suggest you become a prostitute so you can name your own price.
Why are guys cheap? I can't understand why this guy does not spend any money on me. I am beautiful. He is not broke.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe "beautiful" is not enough for him and he wants other things he doesn't see in you, like class, brains, personality, etc. Or maybe he's getting what he wants for free, so why pay for it?
I suggest you become a prostitute so you can name your own price.
It's a yes or no question
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By shara, 15, from Pennsylvania:
Okay, I asked this guy who I have liked for 3 years if he liked me and he said I don't know like 5 times. Then I was like it's a yes or no question and he said not really and I'm not sure if he said it because I told him that it was a yes or no question or not really about liking me so I was wondering if you thought he likes me or not.
VictorM's advice:
He does not like you.
At least not this month. Things could change next month.
Okay, I asked this guy who I have liked for 3 years if he liked me and he said I don't know like 5 times. Then I was like it's a yes or no question and he said not really and I'm not sure if he said it because I told him that it was a yes or no question or not really about liking me so I was wondering if you thought he likes me or not.
VictorM's advice:
He does not like you.
At least not this month. Things could change next month.
I'm undecided and skeptical
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By Jess, 19, from Montreal, Quebec:
So I had a boyfriend for around 6 months, but then he broke up with me, although I was about to as well. He has emailed on more than on ocassion, once claiming that I was "really special" and "meant something". I met up with him not that long ago, but I'm really confused. I don't know what he wants from me. He still leads me on/ flirts with me, but I'm not even sure if I have feelings for him anymore. It's like at some points I do still have feelings for him, but then when I'm with him, I realize that I'm undecided and skeptical.
VictorM's advice:
You're easy to flirt with because you accept the flirtation. You pay him attention and that makes him feel good about himself. You're being skeptical for a good reason: he's not pursuing again, he's trying to make himself feel better.
You still have lingering feelings sometimes because you're human and humans generally can't easily turn away from our lives someone we knew and/or liked for months. You dated him because you obviously saw some good qualities in him. From time to time, those qualities upstage the times you weren't so impressed. It's actually a normal process in getting over someone.
Basically, you're both just drifting away from each other. You just can't do it cold-turkey, so you're doing it in steps.
So I had a boyfriend for around 6 months, but then he broke up with me, although I was about to as well. He has emailed on more than on ocassion, once claiming that I was "really special" and "meant something". I met up with him not that long ago, but I'm really confused. I don't know what he wants from me. He still leads me on/ flirts with me, but I'm not even sure if I have feelings for him anymore. It's like at some points I do still have feelings for him, but then when I'm with him, I realize that I'm undecided and skeptical.
VictorM's advice:
You're easy to flirt with because you accept the flirtation. You pay him attention and that makes him feel good about himself. You're being skeptical for a good reason: he's not pursuing again, he's trying to make himself feel better.
You still have lingering feelings sometimes because you're human and humans generally can't easily turn away from our lives someone we knew and/or liked for months. You dated him because you obviously saw some good qualities in him. From time to time, those qualities upstage the times you weren't so impressed. It's actually a normal process in getting over someone.
Basically, you're both just drifting away from each other. You just can't do it cold-turkey, so you're doing it in steps.
Why is it that a guy is so fascinated with a girl's booty?
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By corina, 13, from nowhere:
Why is it that a guy is so fascinated with a girl's booty? I mean, seriously, it's not all that great.
VictorM's advice:
I disagree. Good female booty is one of the best things on the planet. But it's not just booty that guys like. They like boobs, and legs, and hair, etc. Guys like attractive female body parts. It's that simple.
Why is that? Because we have been conditioned by evolution to be this way. It's hard-wired into our genes. It's all designed to makes us attracted to each other so that we reproduce and keep the human race alive.
By corina, 13, from nowhere:
Why is it that a guy is so fascinated with a girl's booty? I mean, seriously, it's not all that great.
VictorM's advice:
I disagree. Good female booty is one of the best things on the planet. But it's not just booty that guys like. They like boobs, and legs, and hair, etc. Guys like attractive female body parts. It's that simple.
Why is that? Because we have been conditioned by evolution to be this way. It's hard-wired into our genes. It's all designed to makes us attracted to each other so that we reproduce and keep the human race alive.
I want to settle down
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By Jaye-Jaye, 21, from Deerfield:
Ok, I usually date older guys because I feel that I am at a point of my life where I want to settle down. Life is too short to waste on guys that aren't worth your time and I would rather find one I can love and stick with and be happy. I've been in plenty of serious relationships despite my young age. I just got out of one that ended badly. I began dating this guy that seemed very interested in me after he went sooo far out of his way to ask me out. He seemed to really like me but than he just didn't call as much. Every time he sees me he's happy to see me and kisses me and calls me pet names..but he's never tried to actually get me in bed and we had been talking for nearly 2 months...I just don't feel he's making an effort..but for some reason I really like him..it's aggravating. Why is is the guys who actually care enough about me to give me the attention I need are the ones I'm not interested in and the one who can't give two shits is the one I want to see?? How can I tell if he's actually trying to take it slow or if he's just not interested?
VictorM's advice:
If you are an attractive woman you are bound to get attention because of you looks, which explains your high ration of guys attracted to you but you not attracted to them. Now you have a guy playing it cool, and you want more of him. Very typical.
His displays of affection when he sees you are natural even if he lost all interest in you. That behavior is all about his personality, manners, and desire to not hurt other people's feelings. Do not use his behavior as a gauge for his interest in you, or lack of it.
Taking things slower doesn't mean seeing that person less; it just means avoiding making promises and engaging in intimate acts normally associated with couples seeing each other exclusively. If he just wanted to take it slow he may not want sex and he may not want to talk about being being exclusive yet, but he certainly would be trying to get to know you better. If he is not seeking you, he's just being polite when he sees you.
Ok, I usually date older guys because I feel that I am at a point of my life where I want to settle down. Life is too short to waste on guys that aren't worth your time and I would rather find one I can love and stick with and be happy. I've been in plenty of serious relationships despite my young age. I just got out of one that ended badly. I began dating this guy that seemed very interested in me after he went sooo far out of his way to ask me out. He seemed to really like me but than he just didn't call as much. Every time he sees me he's happy to see me and kisses me and calls me pet names..but he's never tried to actually get me in bed and we had been talking for nearly 2 months...I just don't feel he's making an effort..but for some reason I really like him..it's aggravating. Why is is the guys who actually care enough about me to give me the attention I need are the ones I'm not interested in and the one who can't give two shits is the one I want to see?? How can I tell if he's actually trying to take it slow or if he's just not interested?
VictorM's advice:
If you are an attractive woman you are bound to get attention because of you looks, which explains your high ration of guys attracted to you but you not attracted to them. Now you have a guy playing it cool, and you want more of him. Very typical.
His displays of affection when he sees you are natural even if he lost all interest in you. That behavior is all about his personality, manners, and desire to not hurt other people's feelings. Do not use his behavior as a gauge for his interest in you, or lack of it.
Taking things slower doesn't mean seeing that person less; it just means avoiding making promises and engaging in intimate acts normally associated with couples seeing each other exclusively. If he just wanted to take it slow he may not want sex and he may not want to talk about being being exclusive yet, but he certainly would be trying to get to know you better. If he is not seeking you, he's just being polite when he sees you.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
My boyfriend thinks we're growing apart
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By cynthia, 17, from shelby:
My boyfriend thinks we're growing apart. Any ideas to get back to where we were?
VictorM's advice:
"Growing apart" is a misnomer. By the time they say that, they have "grown apart." In most cases, specially around your age, it's like toothpaste; you just can't get it back in the tube. And as the song says, "nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky".
What he is telling you is that he's no longer in love with you. Sorry, but usually this isn't something you fix; it's something you deal with.
My boyfriend thinks we're growing apart. Any ideas to get back to where we were?
VictorM's advice:
"Growing apart" is a misnomer. By the time they say that, they have "grown apart." In most cases, specially around your age, it's like toothpaste; you just can't get it back in the tube. And as the song says, "nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky".
What he is telling you is that he's no longer in love with you. Sorry, but usually this isn't something you fix; it's something you deal with.
I want to call him but I have no idea what to say
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By emily, 14:
OK, I have a question... I told this guy I like him, and I told him over a note.. ok but he has a girlfriend but she doesn't go to our school.. but see I told him Friday, and we have a Thanksgiving break! So I won't see him for a week. I want to call him and talk to him about it but I have no idea what to say... HELP
VictorM's advice:
You really shouldn't be talking about it because he has a girlfriend. You should respect that he does and accept that unless he breaks-up with her, he's off limits to you.
You could call him and talk about anything under the sun, except your note. Unless he is the one who brings it up. If he doesn't, than just make small talk because chances are he's not going to break up with his girlfriend over you.
OK, I have a question... I told this guy I like him, and I told him over a note.. ok but he has a girlfriend but she doesn't go to our school.. but see I told him Friday, and we have a Thanksgiving break! So I won't see him for a week. I want to call him and talk to him about it but I have no idea what to say... HELP
VictorM's advice:
You really shouldn't be talking about it because he has a girlfriend. You should respect that he does and accept that unless he breaks-up with her, he's off limits to you.
You could call him and talk about anything under the sun, except your note. Unless he is the one who brings it up. If he doesn't, than just make small talk because chances are he's not going to break up with his girlfriend over you.
Why do I keep thinking he is going to leave me for her?
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By Ali, 16, from MD:
I've known this guy for a little over 3 years. We became really good friends and hung out a lot. I was in a relationship and he was in one too. But mine ended and he and his girlfriend broke up. Then they went back out for a couple of months. Now this year this boy and I saw each other as more than friends. Currently we are boyfriend and girlfriend. He is a very trusting person, and he is not a bad guy at all. He doesn't do anything bad. But when I see his ex girlfriend I always get this feeling that he is going to leave me for her. I've addressed this to him and he told me that I have nothing to worry about. He and I are falling more and more for each other and he would never let anything bad happen to me.
So why do I keep thinking he is going to leave me for her? Am I just being over dramatic? Ireally care about him and I know he really cares about me. We talk everyday, but I can't stop thinking something bad is going to happen. Why is this?
VictorM's answer:
In most cases, when couples breakup there is a tendency to reevaluate things and play the "what if" game. What if I had been more attentive, more [fill in any of a million things here] maybe things could have worked out. It is normal for people to want to remove that doubt from their minds, so they get back together. But, as is the case in most situations, there were valid reasons for the two people not being a good match. At this point, the certainty sets in and we are more likely to finally close the chapter on that relationship.
So, the fact that he got back together with her but then broke up again is a much better indication that he's over her than if he had not gone back at all. Yes, he is over her and he knows it for sure.
Find something else to worry about; worrying about his ex is a waste of your precious worrying time.
I've known this guy for a little over 3 years. We became really good friends and hung out a lot. I was in a relationship and he was in one too. But mine ended and he and his girlfriend broke up. Then they went back out for a couple of months. Now this year this boy and I saw each other as more than friends. Currently we are boyfriend and girlfriend. He is a very trusting person, and he is not a bad guy at all. He doesn't do anything bad. But when I see his ex girlfriend I always get this feeling that he is going to leave me for her. I've addressed this to him and he told me that I have nothing to worry about. He and I are falling more and more for each other and he would never let anything bad happen to me.
So why do I keep thinking he is going to leave me for her? Am I just being over dramatic? Ireally care about him and I know he really cares about me. We talk everyday, but I can't stop thinking something bad is going to happen. Why is this?
VictorM's answer:
In most cases, when couples breakup there is a tendency to reevaluate things and play the "what if" game. What if I had been more attentive, more [fill in any of a million things here] maybe things could have worked out. It is normal for people to want to remove that doubt from their minds, so they get back together. But, as is the case in most situations, there were valid reasons for the two people not being a good match. At this point, the certainty sets in and we are more likely to finally close the chapter on that relationship.
So, the fact that he got back together with her but then broke up again is a much better indication that he's over her than if he had not gone back at all. Yes, he is over her and he knows it for sure.
Find something else to worry about; worrying about his ex is a waste of your precious worrying time.
I don't want him to get in a reationship out of pity for me
Submitted on Saturday, November 17, 2007
By Giselle, 22, from Atlanta:
I've been dating this guy for a a month and a half now. We had sex after dating for a month and I feel so bad about it that I can't sleep at night because I feel that we had sex too soon.I usually won't have sex with a guy until after we are in a relationship. I thought I could handle this, but I've never done anything like this before and now I feel horrible. I'm a very straight-lace person that is a strong believe in taking things slow (I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19 and after dating my boyfriend for a year), so I really feel like I messed up. We spend nearly everyday together, and he gives me a ride home from school everyday too, but I know that he talks to other girls which is expected since we have only been dating for a month. I really like him, but I'm afraid that since we've had sex so soon I've ruined my chances of him wanting a relationship with me in the future. And I'm having a mental break out because of this. I have only spoken to him briefly about it because I really don't know what to say and I don't want him to get in a relationship out of pity for me. Help me please!
VictorM's advice:
In your age group, most guys will not think that waiting only a month is too forward. My guess, in fact, is that he feels great about you having had sex with him, it makes him feel special. So I doubt that you have ruined anything.
If continuing to have sex with him is a problem for you, my advice would be for you to not bring it up in the context of commitment. In the days ahead, when you get into a situation that would be likely to lead to sex, you can say that while you enjoyed the sex with him, that you think it was rather quick and you'd prefer to slow things down. It's important that you tell him sex was great otherwise he'll think there's something wrong with him. If his values are closer to yours, then he will understand and support you. If all he wants is sex, well, then ruining the relationship is a blessing in disguise.
OK, so you had sex a little sooner than you wish; it's not like you invaded a foreign country and caused the deaths and torture of tens of thousands of people who never did you any harm. And even if you don't see it that way, I bet the guy does. So sweating over what he might be thinking is a waste of your time.
Go take a nap. You need it. :)
I've been dating this guy for a a month and a half now. We had sex after dating for a month and I feel so bad about it that I can't sleep at night because I feel that we had sex too soon.I usually won't have sex with a guy until after we are in a relationship. I thought I could handle this, but I've never done anything like this before and now I feel horrible. I'm a very straight-lace person that is a strong believe in taking things slow (I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19 and after dating my boyfriend for a year), so I really feel like I messed up. We spend nearly everyday together, and he gives me a ride home from school everyday too, but I know that he talks to other girls which is expected since we have only been dating for a month. I really like him, but I'm afraid that since we've had sex so soon I've ruined my chances of him wanting a relationship with me in the future. And I'm having a mental break out because of this. I have only spoken to him briefly about it because I really don't know what to say and I don't want him to get in a relationship out of pity for me. Help me please!
VictorM's advice:
In your age group, most guys will not think that waiting only a month is too forward. My guess, in fact, is that he feels great about you having had sex with him, it makes him feel special. So I doubt that you have ruined anything.
If continuing to have sex with him is a problem for you, my advice would be for you to not bring it up in the context of commitment. In the days ahead, when you get into a situation that would be likely to lead to sex, you can say that while you enjoyed the sex with him, that you think it was rather quick and you'd prefer to slow things down. It's important that you tell him sex was great otherwise he'll think there's something wrong with him. If his values are closer to yours, then he will understand and support you. If all he wants is sex, well, then ruining the relationship is a blessing in disguise.
OK, so you had sex a little sooner than you wish; it's not like you invaded a foreign country and caused the deaths and torture of tens of thousands of people who never did you any harm. And even if you don't see it that way, I bet the guy does. So sweating over what he might be thinking is a waste of your time.
Go take a nap. You need it. :)
He asked me for my number
Submitted on Friday, November 16, 2007
By Kate, 13, from Boston:
One of my really good guy friends (who I happen to really, really, really love) asked me for my number, gave his number to me and told me he'd call sometime. What does that mean? Is he interested, and will he actually call, or is this just a "well, I'll call if I ever feel like it but there's a good chance I won't" sort of thing?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, it's the last part. But hey, it's better than not wanting your number.
One of my really good guy friends (who I happen to really, really, really love) asked me for my number, gave his number to me and told me he'd call sometime. What does that mean? Is he interested, and will he actually call, or is this just a "well, I'll call if I ever feel like it but there's a good chance I won't" sort of thing?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, it's the last part. But hey, it's better than not wanting your number.
he said it was "touchy"....
Submitted on Friday, November 16, 2007
By jamie, 18, from wv:
What does it mean when a guy tells you that things that were talked between the two of you are "touchy"? Both of us said that we had some feelings for each other but he said it was "touchy"....
VictorM's advice:
My take is that it means there are issues that complicate being in a relationship. What those issues are I can't say. Maybe he has a girlfriend, or has another girl he likes, or likes you but not enough to commit.
Also, keep in mind that if you tell a guy "I like you", his natural reflex is going to be to say "I like you too". That's because most guys would not want to stand there and be blunt if they don't feel the same way. So should you believe him? Yes, but only in the sense that he means he doesn't dislike you, but not that he likes you exclusively or even romantically. So "touchy" could be another way of saying "I like you but I don't like you enough to be a couple."
What does it mean when a guy tells you that things that were talked between the two of you are "touchy"? Both of us said that we had some feelings for each other but he said it was "touchy"....
VictorM's advice:
My take is that it means there are issues that complicate being in a relationship. What those issues are I can't say. Maybe he has a girlfriend, or has another girl he likes, or likes you but not enough to commit.
Also, keep in mind that if you tell a guy "I like you", his natural reflex is going to be to say "I like you too". That's because most guys would not want to stand there and be blunt if they don't feel the same way. So should you believe him? Yes, but only in the sense that he means he doesn't dislike you, but not that he likes you exclusively or even romantically. So "touchy" could be another way of saying "I like you but I don't like you enough to be a couple."
My parents are causing a rip in my relationship
Submitted on Friday, November 16, 2007
By alec, 19, from bakersfield:
My parents are causing a rip in my relationship with my girlfriend and she is getting frustrated. She is getting to the point to where she wants a break so that we can clear our heads. But I don't want to go on a break! What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Clear your heads? Your heads don't need clearing; your parents' do. But that's not going to happen with a break between you two. A break solves nothing, but I suspect she knows that. A break is just a stepping stone to a full break up.
Are your parents unreasonable people or do they see something negative in her that you don't? Her "I give up" attitude may mean your parents are better judges of character than you are. But if your parents are just obnoxious people, then I can't blame her. That they are allowed to be that much of a detriment to your relationship says a lot about the kind of partner you are and will be. Either way, my friend, you have some growing up to do and deal with your parents and their influence on you before you can take on a serious girlfriend.
Let her go; it's not like you can stop her anyway. The more you try to hold on, the more unhappy she will become.
By alec, 19, from bakersfield:
My parents are causing a rip in my relationship with my girlfriend and she is getting frustrated. She is getting to the point to where she wants a break so that we can clear our heads. But I don't want to go on a break! What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Clear your heads? Your heads don't need clearing; your parents' do. But that's not going to happen with a break between you two. A break solves nothing, but I suspect she knows that. A break is just a stepping stone to a full break up.
Are your parents unreasonable people or do they see something negative in her that you don't? Her "I give up" attitude may mean your parents are better judges of character than you are. But if your parents are just obnoxious people, then I can't blame her. That they are allowed to be that much of a detriment to your relationship says a lot about the kind of partner you are and will be. Either way, my friend, you have some growing up to do and deal with your parents and their influence on you before you can take on a serious girlfriend.
Let her go; it's not like you can stop her anyway. The more you try to hold on, the more unhappy she will become.
My fiance has been watching a lot of online porn
Submitted on Friday, November 16, 2007
By LJ Gates, 31, from Halifax, N.S, Canada:
Internet Porn.
My fiance (with a history of various addictions to drugs/alcohol) has been watching a lot of online porn.
Going into the computers history when I started to notice odd signs, I have found he's (in the past two weeks at least) stayed up all night going from clip to clip. Then gotten up 6 hours later, and immediately started watching again. For another 8 hours at least (judging by history timeline).
There are stresses which I wont go into now to keep it short. Might this be some sort of nervous breakdown? Is it at all normal? And what can I possibly do to help? If anything. I have tried it all. And I am no prude. I want sex more than him )all throughout our 3 year relationship it's been so).
I do feel rejected/insecure. But I also feel worried about his sanity. Some porn is not really the end of the world. Even hard core stuff. This is a whole other situation.
VictorM's advice:
Most guys watch porn to masturbate. Sitting there and watching porn for hours is a totally different story. Sounds like he's just replacing one addiction with another.
His porn addiction doesn't even have anything to do with sex per se, so don't even bother talking about what you're willing to do sexually. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with you, so get over the rejected/insecure thing. His problems have NOTHING to do with you. Addictions are very hard to explain and even harder to understand. Treating them are totally out of your league.
The best you can do is recommend professional therapy. He needs it badly. And maybe you can get a discount for yourself because you need it too. Yeah, you do. A woman who is a fiance of a man with such history of problems is a woman destined to have a very unfulfilled, very unhappy life and yet, you're making his problems your problems and willing to get married to them. Why? Sounds like madness to me. Please, go see a therapist even if he doesn't.
Internet Porn.
My fiance (with a history of various addictions to drugs/alcohol) has been watching a lot of online porn.
Going into the computers history when I started to notice odd signs, I have found he's (in the past two weeks at least) stayed up all night going from clip to clip. Then gotten up 6 hours later, and immediately started watching again. For another 8 hours at least (judging by history timeline).
There are stresses which I wont go into now to keep it short. Might this be some sort of nervous breakdown? Is it at all normal? And what can I possibly do to help? If anything. I have tried it all. And I am no prude. I want sex more than him )all throughout our 3 year relationship it's been so).
I do feel rejected/insecure. But I also feel worried about his sanity. Some porn is not really the end of the world. Even hard core stuff. This is a whole other situation.
VictorM's advice:
Most guys watch porn to masturbate. Sitting there and watching porn for hours is a totally different story. Sounds like he's just replacing one addiction with another.
His porn addiction doesn't even have anything to do with sex per se, so don't even bother talking about what you're willing to do sexually. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with you, so get over the rejected/insecure thing. His problems have NOTHING to do with you. Addictions are very hard to explain and even harder to understand. Treating them are totally out of your league.
The best you can do is recommend professional therapy. He needs it badly. And maybe you can get a discount for yourself because you need it too. Yeah, you do. A woman who is a fiance of a man with such history of problems is a woman destined to have a very unfulfilled, very unhappy life and yet, you're making his problems your problems and willing to get married to them. Why? Sounds like madness to me. Please, go see a therapist even if he doesn't.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
He's suddenly started acting really weird around me
Submitted on Thursday, November 15, 2007
By Claire, 19, from Hertfordshire:
Well there's this guy that I've been at uni with for 2 months now. At the start of uni I used to always notice him staring at me and whenever I'd look he'd turn away. Two weeks into uni and we began to talk and he took my number and we were meeting up for lunch and stuff and getting on really well. But now he's suddenly started acting really weird around me, stopped calling me and I'm so confused. I notice he gets jealous when I talk with other guys because he approaches me and asks me why other guys were getting so close to me and then tries to get closer to me himself. Lately he's been hanging around with my guy friends that I'm always and we go around together but I still get the impression that he feels awkward and wants to get away from me. I notice small things like he doesn't like eating infront of me and I get the impression he wants to be around me but when he is he tends to try and get away quickly and he can sometimes be quite rude when he talks to me. I don't know whats going on!! help!
VictorM's advice:
Some people have poor social skills, some are weird, some people are quirky. Don't expect a rational reason for their strange behavior. Our society has its fair share of misfits.
Looks like you found a guy that's not operating with all the social graces of well-adjusted individuals. Who knows why he's this way but if you think you're the straw that stirs that odd behavior, you'd be wrong. My guess is that he's this way around others as well.
Well there's this guy that I've been at uni with for 2 months now. At the start of uni I used to always notice him staring at me and whenever I'd look he'd turn away. Two weeks into uni and we began to talk and he took my number and we were meeting up for lunch and stuff and getting on really well. But now he's suddenly started acting really weird around me, stopped calling me and I'm so confused. I notice he gets jealous when I talk with other guys because he approaches me and asks me why other guys were getting so close to me and then tries to get closer to me himself. Lately he's been hanging around with my guy friends that I'm always and we go around together but I still get the impression that he feels awkward and wants to get away from me. I notice small things like he doesn't like eating infront of me and I get the impression he wants to be around me but when he is he tends to try and get away quickly and he can sometimes be quite rude when he talks to me. I don't know whats going on!! help!
VictorM's advice:
Some people have poor social skills, some are weird, some people are quirky. Don't expect a rational reason for their strange behavior. Our society has its fair share of misfits.
Looks like you found a guy that's not operating with all the social graces of well-adjusted individuals. Who knows why he's this way but if you think you're the straw that stirs that odd behavior, you'd be wrong. My guess is that he's this way around others as well.
He won't talk to me
Submitted on Thursday, November 15, 2007
By Nicole, 15, from Spring Grove:
Ok... so my ex broke up with me and now he won't talk to me and he is saying shit about me?! Why is he doing this?
VictorM's answer:
I don't know the details of why he broke up with you but it's possible it's because you did something that pissed him off. That would explain him talking bad about you.
If you did nothing that pissed him off, he could just be an immature twit that needs to justify breaking up with you to his friends, so he makes up stuff to make you look like the "bad guy."
Ok... so my ex broke up with me and now he won't talk to me and he is saying shit about me?! Why is he doing this?
VictorM's answer:
I don't know the details of why he broke up with you but it's possible it's because you did something that pissed him off. That would explain him talking bad about you.
If you did nothing that pissed him off, he could just be an immature twit that needs to justify breaking up with you to his friends, so he makes up stuff to make you look like the "bad guy."
Lately he has been eying me up
Submitted on Thursday, November 15, 2007
By Kristen, 16, from Richmond:
My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a year ago and now has a new girlfriend. Him and I are just becoming friends again but lately he has been eying me up. Does this mean he likes me again?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he's seeing you in a new light and wishing to get another try but maybe it just means he likes eying you up. Depending how good you look and how you dress maybe you're just a pleasant girl to look at. Don't jump to any conclusions purely based on that.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a year ago and now has a new girlfriend. Him and I are just becoming friends again but lately he has been eying me up. Does this mean he likes me again?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he's seeing you in a new light and wishing to get another try but maybe it just means he likes eying you up. Depending how good you look and how you dress maybe you're just a pleasant girl to look at. Don't jump to any conclusions purely based on that.
How do you tell if you’re in love?
Submitted on Thursday, November 15, 2007
By Katie, 14, from Wyoming:
I have such a huge problem. Well, two problems stemming from one thing (or rather, one boy).
FIRST: I have a very good guy friend. Here’s a little background: I have known him for about 5 years, since we were 9 years old. We knew each other in elementary school but did not go to the same school. Entering sixth grade, we both started going to the same school and we were good friends. In seventh grade (last year), we had no classes together, so we drifted apart. Last year he had a very serious girl whom he dated for more than 7 or 8 months until the relationship finally crashed and burned over the past summer. Now we have classes together again and we have become pretty close. We have a lot in common and he’s cute, so I fell for him fast. I was wondering if he might like me. He is a goofy guy, so whenever I enter and leave during the middle of class he waves to me from across the room. We chat constantly and he always tries to make me laugh. He’ll stop and wait for me to catch up if he sees me walking in the hall. He has a lot of girl friends, although I don’t really know how he acts around them because I’m not good friends with any of them, and he claims he’s not interested in another girlfriend. We’ve hung out in groups after school a few times (not paired up), and we email daily. Last night, he asked me for my phone number, which I’m a little confused about. So, 1.) what does it mean that he asked for my number? and 2.) is there any chance he likes me?
SECONDLY (concerning the same guy): how do you tell if you’re in love? I know I’m only 14, but although I’ve liked boys before, I’ve never liked anyone like I’ve liked this guy. I’ve never liked a boy I’ve known so well. I’ve thought that I might truly be in love, and I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. I’m only 14! What is this???
VictorM's advice:
What you are feeling is what we in the western world call "love". Some people might call it puppy-love, but make no mistake about it -- it is love nevertheless.
He waves at you, waits for you, emails you every day, tries to make you laugh, asked for your number... that boy is mad, crazy in love with you too. No question about it.
Word of caution: wait a week or two before you decide to marry. :)
I have such a huge problem. Well, two problems stemming from one thing (or rather, one boy).
FIRST: I have a very good guy friend. Here’s a little background: I have known him for about 5 years, since we were 9 years old. We knew each other in elementary school but did not go to the same school. Entering sixth grade, we both started going to the same school and we were good friends. In seventh grade (last year), we had no classes together, so we drifted apart. Last year he had a very serious girl whom he dated for more than 7 or 8 months until the relationship finally crashed and burned over the past summer. Now we have classes together again and we have become pretty close. We have a lot in common and he’s cute, so I fell for him fast. I was wondering if he might like me. He is a goofy guy, so whenever I enter and leave during the middle of class he waves to me from across the room. We chat constantly and he always tries to make me laugh. He’ll stop and wait for me to catch up if he sees me walking in the hall. He has a lot of girl friends, although I don’t really know how he acts around them because I’m not good friends with any of them, and he claims he’s not interested in another girlfriend. We’ve hung out in groups after school a few times (not paired up), and we email daily. Last night, he asked me for my phone number, which I’m a little confused about. So, 1.) what does it mean that he asked for my number? and 2.) is there any chance he likes me?
SECONDLY (concerning the same guy): how do you tell if you’re in love? I know I’m only 14, but although I’ve liked boys before, I’ve never liked anyone like I’ve liked this guy. I’ve never liked a boy I’ve known so well. I’ve thought that I might truly be in love, and I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. I’m only 14! What is this???
VictorM's advice:
What you are feeling is what we in the western world call "love". Some people might call it puppy-love, but make no mistake about it -- it is love nevertheless.
He waves at you, waits for you, emails you every day, tries to make you laugh, asked for your number... that boy is mad, crazy in love with you too. No question about it.
Word of caution: wait a week or two before you decide to marry. :)
Friday, November 16, 2007
I decided to give him my virginity
Submitted on Thursday, November 15, 2007
By Courtney, 15, from united states:
During May I met this guy that I fell in love with. He wanted to have sex and he had never had sex before, I hadn't either. I decided to give him my virginity because I loved him a lot. But then his ex (who he dated for 6 years and was also his only girlfriend) started to talk to him again. He tried to leave me but I convinced him to stay with me. But here's the problem: he doesn't love me. He's afraid that he will get hurt like he did the first time. I want to be with him forever and I could never imagine hurting him. He says that he doesn't want to risk getting hurt. But I want him to love me sooo bad, I'd do anything. Please help me!! Can I convince him that I won't leave him?
VictorM's advice:
Even if you could convince him that you won't leave, it would make no difference. That's not what worries him, he's just saying that. He had no problems with thinking you'd leave him when he wanted sex, now did he?
I don't know how old he is but he's jerking your chain with the hurt bullshit. If he didn't love you why would he be afraid to get hurt by you? It makes no sense. And if he doesn't love you and doesn't want to get hurt, how did you convince him to say? Let me guess... did having sex have anything to do with it? I think so.
Having sex with a guy will not make him fall in love with you. Period. If you continue to do the same thing (having sex) and expect different results, you're wasting your time.
I don't know how you can make him fall in love with you because I don't think he's looking for love with you.
During May I met this guy that I fell in love with. He wanted to have sex and he had never had sex before, I hadn't either. I decided to give him my virginity because I loved him a lot. But then his ex (who he dated for 6 years and was also his only girlfriend) started to talk to him again. He tried to leave me but I convinced him to stay with me. But here's the problem: he doesn't love me. He's afraid that he will get hurt like he did the first time. I want to be with him forever and I could never imagine hurting him. He says that he doesn't want to risk getting hurt. But I want him to love me sooo bad, I'd do anything. Please help me!! Can I convince him that I won't leave him?
VictorM's advice:
Even if you could convince him that you won't leave, it would make no difference. That's not what worries him, he's just saying that. He had no problems with thinking you'd leave him when he wanted sex, now did he?
I don't know how old he is but he's jerking your chain with the hurt bullshit. If he didn't love you why would he be afraid to get hurt by you? It makes no sense. And if he doesn't love you and doesn't want to get hurt, how did you convince him to say? Let me guess... did having sex have anything to do with it? I think so.
Having sex with a guy will not make him fall in love with you. Period. If you continue to do the same thing (having sex) and expect different results, you're wasting your time.
I don't know how you can make him fall in love with you because I don't think he's looking for love with you.
I'd really like to know where we stand
Submitted on Wednesday, November 14, 2007
By Jo, 22, from Jersey:
I've been seeing this guy for close to a year now. I've come to realize how much I really do like him, and I'd really like to know where we stand but I'm very shy, am afraid to ask, and know for a fact that he doesn't like forward women. How could I do this?
VictorM's advice:
If you're going to bow to his every wish, get used to not knowing what he's thinking because it'll be part of your lifestyle. He'll tell you when he's good and ready.
Of course, the above is nonsense, but if you don't have the balls to ask "because he doesn't like forward women", that is what will happen to you. With guys, if you don't ask, you'll never know.
Here's guy logic for you: He's been seeing you for close to a year. That's long enough to show that he likes you, not long enough to talk marriage. What is it that you want to know, really?
I've been seeing this guy for close to a year now. I've come to realize how much I really do like him, and I'd really like to know where we stand but I'm very shy, am afraid to ask, and know for a fact that he doesn't like forward women. How could I do this?
VictorM's advice:
If you're going to bow to his every wish, get used to not knowing what he's thinking because it'll be part of your lifestyle. He'll tell you when he's good and ready.
Of course, the above is nonsense, but if you don't have the balls to ask "because he doesn't like forward women", that is what will happen to you. With guys, if you don't ask, you'll never know.
Here's guy logic for you: He's been seeing you for close to a year. That's long enough to show that he likes you, not long enough to talk marriage. What is it that you want to know, really?
I like a guy but I'm not really skinny
Submitted on Wednesday, November 14, 2007
By Danielle, 14, from somewhere:
Hey I have an issue! Ok I'll just get straight down to the point. I like a guy but I'm not really skinny. I am 5'4 and weight 170 pounds. I really like him though and he is so cute. Well, I have never gone out with a guy or anything no one has ever asked me and I've never asked anyone. I don't have the self confidence to. I go to a private school that is like super small and I see him every day. I have never even really talked to him because he is a year older then me and we don't have any classes together. How do I get him to talk to me or what can I say to try to start a conversation with him without it looking like I like him..even though I do.
VictorM's advice:
You're only 14 so it's not surprising you haven't dated yet.
Aim for friendship first. For example, find out what he's very good at in school. Let's say it's math. Say you heard he's very good at math an you're having problems understanding something. It could be a video game, or sports, or music, etc. If guys are able to show off in front of you, they tend to seek your company.
What you want most of all is to break the ice and be able to start talking to him regularly. After that, who knows, anything is possible.
Hey I have an issue! Ok I'll just get straight down to the point. I like a guy but I'm not really skinny. I am 5'4 and weight 170 pounds. I really like him though and he is so cute. Well, I have never gone out with a guy or anything no one has ever asked me and I've never asked anyone. I don't have the self confidence to. I go to a private school that is like super small and I see him every day. I have never even really talked to him because he is a year older then me and we don't have any classes together. How do I get him to talk to me or what can I say to try to start a conversation with him without it looking like I like him..even though I do.
VictorM's advice:
You're only 14 so it's not surprising you haven't dated yet.
Aim for friendship first. For example, find out what he's very good at in school. Let's say it's math. Say you heard he's very good at math an you're having problems understanding something. It could be a video game, or sports, or music, etc. If guys are able to show off in front of you, they tend to seek your company.
What you want most of all is to break the ice and be able to start talking to him regularly. After that, who knows, anything is possible.
Is this guy too damaged?
Submitted on Wednesday, November 14, 2007
By JUDY, 50, from POHATCONG:
Does an emotionally unavailable man equal he is just not into me? Is a man that has been repeatedly cheated on able to have a normal relationship with a normal woman? Or even be able to verbalize any feeling towards any woman? His background consists of an alcoholic mother, no warmth or affection from parents, but yet has a great relationship with his children. Is this guy too damaged? Or is he just not into me? How does a woman know when if it is her or if it's him and really has nothing to do with her?
VictorM's advice:
Does it make any difference? If he is into you and you can't tell, what good does it do you?
At 50 years old you still have plenty of time to have a wonderful love life, but not enough time to take such a gamble.
By JUDY, 50, from POHATCONG:
Does an emotionally unavailable man equal he is just not into me? Is a man that has been repeatedly cheated on able to have a normal relationship with a normal woman? Or even be able to verbalize any feeling towards any woman? His background consists of an alcoholic mother, no warmth or affection from parents, but yet has a great relationship with his children. Is this guy too damaged? Or is he just not into me? How does a woman know when if it is her or if it's him and really has nothing to do with her?
VictorM's advice:
Does it make any difference? If he is into you and you can't tell, what good does it do you?
At 50 years old you still have plenty of time to have a wonderful love life, but not enough time to take such a gamble.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Since this is a professional environment, what is appropriate?
Nita, 40, from OK, asks:
I work at a University. I am interested in a faculty member at the University (works in the same building). He smiles and speaks to me and I have noticed him looking at me. Since this is a professional environment, what is appropriate? Can I ask him out and should it be lunch at first?
VictorM's advice:
Assuming you have verified that he's available, yeah, asking him for lunch is good. Basically, you want to keep your attitude around work professional, and get away from the work environment if your intentions are not work-related.
You may want to proceed slowly because if you are misinterpreting his looks, it could become very awkward at work.
I work at a University. I am interested in a faculty member at the University (works in the same building). He smiles and speaks to me and I have noticed him looking at me. Since this is a professional environment, what is appropriate? Can I ask him out and should it be lunch at first?
VictorM's advice:
Assuming you have verified that he's available, yeah, asking him for lunch is good. Basically, you want to keep your attitude around work professional, and get away from the work environment if your intentions are not work-related.
You may want to proceed slowly because if you are misinterpreting his looks, it could become very awkward at work.
Why don't I enjoy porn and my boyfriend does?
Submitted on Wednesday, November 14, 2007
By ann-marie, 16, from uk:
Why don't I enjoy porn and my boyfriend does? I think it's horrible and disgusting, is that wrong??????
VictorM's advice:
Porn is one of those things that lots of people watch but is virtually impossible to defend. Even if someone wanted to argue that porn is not "horrible and disgusting" they would have a really difficult time arguing why you shouldn't think so. It is your opinion and you're entitled to it.
You and your boyfriend follow the general pattern, which is that guys like porn, girls don't. It seems to be that way the world over. Why? Because boys are much more into the physical aspects of sex and girls are more emotional and romantic about it (porn offers none of it).
By ann-marie, 16, from uk:
Why don't I enjoy porn and my boyfriend does? I think it's horrible and disgusting, is that wrong??????
VictorM's advice:
Porn is one of those things that lots of people watch but is virtually impossible to defend. Even if someone wanted to argue that porn is not "horrible and disgusting" they would have a really difficult time arguing why you shouldn't think so. It is your opinion and you're entitled to it.
You and your boyfriend follow the general pattern, which is that guys like porn, girls don't. It seems to be that way the world over. Why? Because boys are much more into the physical aspects of sex and girls are more emotional and romantic about it (porn offers none of it).
I just want a friends with benefits type-thing
Submitted on Tuesday, November 13, 2007
By Kristi, 21, from NM:
By Kristi, 21, from NM:
From the moment I met Tom (a little over a month ago), we hit it off. I was looking very good that day, and I knew he was into me because he was acting all flustered. We get along great and have a lot to talk about. He's been coming over almost every day (literally) and we watch movies (cuddle of course), or t.v. (I'm an addict!) or cook dinner together. We have mad chemistry, and neither of us deny it, even though I may try. He is always making seductive comments and sexual innuendos, and he always gets caught staring at me! We can get pretty hot and heavy sometimes, but I never let him go all the way, because I fear he likes me much more than I like him. (Though, I'm about to give in because... well, c'mon a girl needs love too. I *should be* taking advantage of this awesome guy who was planted right in front of me! Right? right?)
He is an amazing guy and would make a perfect boyfriend, but I know he's not "the" one for me and that I would eventually just move on (most likely pretty easily, while I know he would be seriously hurt).
I've recently told him that he should NOT fall for me, that I really enjoy everything how it is, but that I didn't want an emotional attatchment because I would end up hurting him when he definitely wouldn't deserve it.
After this, he kept saying that he had to give himself a break (there's serious sexual tension) from me and that he planned to stay away for a few days or even a week. Surely enough- he hasn't missed a day of coming over, and he's coming on to me even stronger now. Before he hinted something to the effect of... if I can't give him a relationship, he shouldn't be over everyday spending all his time with me when he could be looking for another girl (couldn't be more true! But then why does he still persist with me??!) I know he likes me a lot, and it's probably the thrill of the chase, because he knows there's a high probablility I'll give in soon. But at the same time, he makes it too easy for me- so I get no fun! (Save for all the attention and affection he shows me).
Also- He's going on 90 days sober, while I drink and smoke. He says it doesn't bother him. I was drunk around him once or twice and he said he loved me drunk because I let my guard down and was overly affectionate for him. I bet! Think his recovery complicates things further? (He didn't have a big messy problem or anything, he volunarily went to treatment because he felt he smoked too much pot and was becoming lazy). Anyways...
I feel like the traditional guy/girl roles are reversed, because I'm the laid-back one, and he's the pursuer, with all the emotions. From my view, the current situation is pretty nice: I have a casual setup where I can thrive on all his attention, and I have complete control of the situation.
Even though I keep telling him point blank- he's not gonna get any- he still gets himself (and me) all riled up anyways (WHY do guys do that?!! Seriously, I should list this as a completely separate question. Why?!!) > it only makes it more fun for me to turn him down and he sees that he was only torturing himself. He knows it too!
Granted, things between us have progressed fairly quickly, but how could it not when we're together almost every single day. I do have other prospects (an ex-'buddy' for whom I just realized I have actual 'feelings' for). What am I to do if I feel the urge to change directions?
I just want a friends with benefits type-thing. The only problem is my pesky conscience. It keeps saying something about karma... and I'm hesitant to listen.
Is it wrong of me to continue to allow his wild displays of affection? Can't I just bask in it for awhile?
Should I sleep with him and get over that whole barrier? I would be more than willing if I knew he wouldn't get attatched! I've broken 2 hearts already and I do NOT want to do it again.
What should I do about the fact that he wants a relationship and I don't? We've talked about it, he says he wants to go home and fall asleep knowing someone's 'there'... that it kills him to leave me each night and he can't stop thinking about me. I'm afraid if I give it a chance, in the long run I'll hurt him and I don't want that.
Thanks for listening- I'm usually pretty objective, but I just need a little prodding on this one. I think I have a pretty good idea what you might say, still, I can't wait to hear your professional opinion!
VictorM's advice:
"Professional opinion"? I'll send you a bill! :)
Part of the appeal is that you turn him down. Why does that work? Guys like a challenge and they like to brag about conquests, to pick the forbidden fruit, to have that which we can't have. The chase is fun!
Who knows, if you sleep with him he might finally leave you alone. But it might be too much of a risk, as he seems to really be into you.
Ultimately, I hope your conscience will win out because the last thing you want are regrets. So, I ask you, what are you most likely to regret in the future: A) Not having slept with him, or B) Knowing you broke a guy's heart?
If you're not sure, here's a little tip: you almost always regret what you don't do; you seldom regret what you do.
He is an amazing guy and would make a perfect boyfriend, but I know he's not "the" one for me and that I would eventually just move on (most likely pretty easily, while I know he would be seriously hurt).
I've recently told him that he should NOT fall for me, that I really enjoy everything how it is, but that I didn't want an emotional attatchment because I would end up hurting him when he definitely wouldn't deserve it.
After this, he kept saying that he had to give himself a break (there's serious sexual tension) from me and that he planned to stay away for a few days or even a week. Surely enough- he hasn't missed a day of coming over, and he's coming on to me even stronger now. Before he hinted something to the effect of... if I can't give him a relationship, he shouldn't be over everyday spending all his time with me when he could be looking for another girl (couldn't be more true! But then why does he still persist with me??!) I know he likes me a lot, and it's probably the thrill of the chase, because he knows there's a high probablility I'll give in soon. But at the same time, he makes it too easy for me- so I get no fun! (Save for all the attention and affection he shows me).
Also- He's going on 90 days sober, while I drink and smoke. He says it doesn't bother him. I was drunk around him once or twice and he said he loved me drunk because I let my guard down and was overly affectionate for him. I bet! Think his recovery complicates things further? (He didn't have a big messy problem or anything, he volunarily went to treatment because he felt he smoked too much pot and was becoming lazy). Anyways...
I feel like the traditional guy/girl roles are reversed, because I'm the laid-back one, and he's the pursuer, with all the emotions. From my view, the current situation is pretty nice: I have a casual setup where I can thrive on all his attention, and I have complete control of the situation.
Even though I keep telling him point blank- he's not gonna get any- he still gets himself (and me) all riled up anyways (WHY do guys do that?!! Seriously, I should list this as a completely separate question. Why?!!) > it only makes it more fun for me to turn him down and he sees that he was only torturing himself. He knows it too!
Granted, things between us have progressed fairly quickly, but how could it not when we're together almost every single day. I do have other prospects (an ex-'buddy' for whom I just realized I have actual 'feelings' for). What am I to do if I feel the urge to change directions?
I just want a friends with benefits type-thing. The only problem is my pesky conscience. It keeps saying something about karma... and I'm hesitant to listen.
Is it wrong of me to continue to allow his wild displays of affection? Can't I just bask in it for awhile?
Should I sleep with him and get over that whole barrier? I would be more than willing if I knew he wouldn't get attatched! I've broken 2 hearts already and I do NOT want to do it again.
What should I do about the fact that he wants a relationship and I don't? We've talked about it, he says he wants to go home and fall asleep knowing someone's 'there'... that it kills him to leave me each night and he can't stop thinking about me. I'm afraid if I give it a chance, in the long run I'll hurt him and I don't want that.
Thanks for listening- I'm usually pretty objective, but I just need a little prodding on this one. I think I have a pretty good idea what you might say, still, I can't wait to hear your professional opinion!
VictorM's advice:
"Professional opinion"? I'll send you a bill! :)
Part of the appeal is that you turn him down. Why does that work? Guys like a challenge and they like to brag about conquests, to pick the forbidden fruit, to have that which we can't have. The chase is fun!
Who knows, if you sleep with him he might finally leave you alone. But it might be too much of a risk, as he seems to really be into you.
Ultimately, I hope your conscience will win out because the last thing you want are regrets. So, I ask you, what are you most likely to regret in the future: A) Not having slept with him, or B) Knowing you broke a guy's heart?
If you're not sure, here's a little tip: you almost always regret what you don't do; you seldom regret what you do.
Women over think everything
Submitted on Tuesday, November 13, 2007
By Lindsey, 40, from Pensacola:
First, I have to agree with the statement you make frequently, "women over think everything." I've been having casual sex with this guy (late 40's) for several months. It's a situation that works well for both of us, neither is involved with anyone else as a committed relationship is not something either one of us wants, at least not with each other. This is where the "over analytical women" sets in. Because the guy doesn't give anything emotionally (and I know what your thinking, it's a shag, why do I need emotion) well, I'm not a robot either. The guy doesn't verbalize anything. So I have to assume that the fact that he gets a hard on everytime and is always available should be enough. In the course of 8 months I had 2 painfully uncomfortable conversations just trying to pick his brain to get a little affirmation, the first conversation was met with uncomfortable silence followed by a few weeks of me initiating nothing and him pursuing me more than usual. The 2nd coversation was even more weird. I asked him if it makes any difference to him whether we have sex or not (because at the end of this situation, I always want to be able to be friends, so rather than deal with what I am not getting, I would rather end it and still be cool) and he said he is passed his nympho stage and could take it or leave it,(ouch-not sure what that meant) nothing against me but it wasn't as important in his life as it once was ) he has been cheated on big time and he kind of freaked out and said I don't want to get married, and that freaked me out, since marriage is the farthest from my mind, he said he didn't understand my question and what exactly do I want, and I said I just want to make sure that the person I'm having sex with is into me and he responded by saying, "Well I'll give you the same answer I would get when I asked that question, I'm here aren't I." And I said "how'd that answer workout for you?" Yes I was being sarcastic. Anyway, I guess my question is this, having a casual sexual relationship works for me but when I am with such a non-verbal man, it gets confusing as to whether or not he is into me. Even just getting laid requires some verbalization, no? And can a guy get a hard on and perform whether he is into someone or not? Can't wait to hear from you.
VictorM's advice:
I find it ironic that you start by saying: "It's a situation that works well for both of us" and then you proceed to tear that statement down. If it's working well for you, why don't you leave the guy alone and stop asking questions and expecting more than what you are getting? But no, the guy is suppose to accept that on one hand it's all working well, but somehow he's suppose to know he should show some emotion or be more talkative... not too little, not too much, just right. And what's "just right"? No one knows.
OK, on to your questions.
Guys can get a hard on by leaning against a telephone pole. Seriously, you can't judge a guy's attachment based on a hard-on. How else would prostitutes be in business? In your case, the only difference is he doesn't pay. (Let me make it clear that my use of "prostitute" is in no way a reflection of you, I'm merely pointing out that most men can get a hard on without the slightest need to be into the sex partner).
The sexual appetite of most men decline in the 40's and beyond. You, on the other hand, are at your sexual peak. That's just a fact. Don't take it personally that he doesn't feel like a nympho. His "take it or leave it" statement is no reflection on you; it's a reflection on his declining sexual need.
I think between the two of you, he's the one taking the idea of your relationship's literal spirit properly, at least as he understands it. Guys are more binary, that is, things are one thing or another, either black or white. It's either you have a sex only relationship, and that's all that happens, or you have a relationship that leads to marriage. He's very clear about intentions. But as a woman, you see a million shades of gray, and those shades change daily as your mood swings. For a guy to venture into those shades of gray is like walking a mine field. He is wisely avoiding that mine field.
So, things will have to remain "working well" but... not really (depending on the hour of the day). :)
First, I have to agree with the statement you make frequently, "women over think everything." I've been having casual sex with this guy (late 40's) for several months. It's a situation that works well for both of us, neither is involved with anyone else as a committed relationship is not something either one of us wants, at least not with each other. This is where the "over analytical women" sets in. Because the guy doesn't give anything emotionally (and I know what your thinking, it's a shag, why do I need emotion) well, I'm not a robot either. The guy doesn't verbalize anything. So I have to assume that the fact that he gets a hard on everytime and is always available should be enough. In the course of 8 months I had 2 painfully uncomfortable conversations just trying to pick his brain to get a little affirmation, the first conversation was met with uncomfortable silence followed by a few weeks of me initiating nothing and him pursuing me more than usual. The 2nd coversation was even more weird. I asked him if it makes any difference to him whether we have sex or not (because at the end of this situation, I always want to be able to be friends, so rather than deal with what I am not getting, I would rather end it and still be cool) and he said he is passed his nympho stage and could take it or leave it,(ouch-not sure what that meant) nothing against me but it wasn't as important in his life as it once was ) he has been cheated on big time and he kind of freaked out and said I don't want to get married, and that freaked me out, since marriage is the farthest from my mind, he said he didn't understand my question and what exactly do I want, and I said I just want to make sure that the person I'm having sex with is into me and he responded by saying, "Well I'll give you the same answer I would get when I asked that question, I'm here aren't I." And I said "how'd that answer workout for you?" Yes I was being sarcastic. Anyway, I guess my question is this, having a casual sexual relationship works for me but when I am with such a non-verbal man, it gets confusing as to whether or not he is into me. Even just getting laid requires some verbalization, no? And can a guy get a hard on and perform whether he is into someone or not? Can't wait to hear from you.
VictorM's advice:
I find it ironic that you start by saying: "It's a situation that works well for both of us" and then you proceed to tear that statement down. If it's working well for you, why don't you leave the guy alone and stop asking questions and expecting more than what you are getting? But no, the guy is suppose to accept that on one hand it's all working well, but somehow he's suppose to know he should show some emotion or be more talkative... not too little, not too much, just right. And what's "just right"? No one knows.
OK, on to your questions.
Guys can get a hard on by leaning against a telephone pole. Seriously, you can't judge a guy's attachment based on a hard-on. How else would prostitutes be in business? In your case, the only difference is he doesn't pay. (Let me make it clear that my use of "prostitute" is in no way a reflection of you, I'm merely pointing out that most men can get a hard on without the slightest need to be into the sex partner).
The sexual appetite of most men decline in the 40's and beyond. You, on the other hand, are at your sexual peak. That's just a fact. Don't take it personally that he doesn't feel like a nympho. His "take it or leave it" statement is no reflection on you; it's a reflection on his declining sexual need.
I think between the two of you, he's the one taking the idea of your relationship's literal spirit properly, at least as he understands it. Guys are more binary, that is, things are one thing or another, either black or white. It's either you have a sex only relationship, and that's all that happens, or you have a relationship that leads to marriage. He's very clear about intentions. But as a woman, you see a million shades of gray, and those shades change daily as your mood swings. For a guy to venture into those shades of gray is like walking a mine field. He is wisely avoiding that mine field.
So, things will have to remain "working well" but... not really (depending on the hour of the day). :)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Responses by email
Submitted on Tuesday, November 13, 2007
By Annonymous:
Hi, I have a question, but am worried about it being put on the website, as I would be embarassed if the guy I was talking about saw it. I know the chances are odd that he'd read it, but still.....
Do you ever respond to personal emails?
VictorM's answer:
No, I do not.
But if you'd like, submit the question and just say you would like a confidential answer. This way I'll post my answer without posting your question.
By Annonymous:
Hi, I have a question, but am worried about it being put on the website, as I would be embarassed if the guy I was talking about saw it. I know the chances are odd that he'd read it, but still.....
Do you ever respond to personal emails?
VictorM's answer:
No, I do not.
But if you'd like, submit the question and just say you would like a confidential answer. This way I'll post my answer without posting your question.
We had a fling at a party one night
Submitted on Tuesday, November 13
By Hailly, 23, from CA:
I like this guy in my college class and we had a fling at a party one night but he doesn't seem to want to go into a relationship. How do I get him interested in me and how can I start a relationship with him?
VictorM's advice:
There are no guarantees that any one guy will want to be in a relationship with you but your odds improve greatly if he feels great about himself when he's with you. This is important to recognize: "chemistry" isn't about you, (your low cut dress, make-up, cool friends, fancy car, etc.) it's about how the other person feels around you (do they feel smart, funny, sexy, intelligent?)
Find topics of interest to him and talk about them, pay him simple but sincere compliments ("New shirt, Jim? Niiice", "How do you know so much, John? I'm amazed."), and don't be clingy (let him seek you out to spend time with you).
By Hailly, 23, from CA:
I like this guy in my college class and we had a fling at a party one night but he doesn't seem to want to go into a relationship. How do I get him interested in me and how can I start a relationship with him?
VictorM's advice:
There are no guarantees that any one guy will want to be in a relationship with you but your odds improve greatly if he feels great about himself when he's with you. This is important to recognize: "chemistry" isn't about you, (your low cut dress, make-up, cool friends, fancy car, etc.) it's about how the other person feels around you (do they feel smart, funny, sexy, intelligent?)
Find topics of interest to him and talk about them, pay him simple but sincere compliments ("New shirt, Jim? Niiice", "How do you know so much, John? I'm amazed."), and don't be clingy (let him seek you out to spend time with you).
I have major insecurities with porn
Missa, 22, from Georgia, asks:
I have major insecurities with porn and feeling under apprecciated. My boyfriend tells me to "grow up" or "be mature" when something I don't agree with comes up and I confront him. I have been working on my insecurities but he told me that he "didn't notice because most guys don't have to deal with this". I hate porn and anything to do with exposing oneself especially sexually. I think the human body is beautiful, but when it is used to "get off" or just gawk at because it CAN be shown, I think it is wrong. He knew this when we started dating but recently he has been sneeking glances and lying about it. He told me that he is "not that kind of guy" and that he can be "mature" about it and not "pop one" every time something like that comes on. I believe him, but I wonder why it is that he has such an issue of not looking at it. He tells me I am immature and that I should learn to deal with it because that's "how the world is". Recently we got in an argument and he told me it was either my insecurities or him. Then he took off for 2 days saying that we needed "time apart". All I wanted to do was work this out, but instead he just left me stranded "litterally" at the house with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to help. He took the car keys but had his sister come and pick him up. We are visiting his dad, and he still isn't back with his dad's keys. He doesn't seem to care about anyone else but himself. I don't know if he is blowing this out of proportion because he is honestly hurt that I have this problem and that I've caught him lying, or if this is just him making an excuse and blaming it all on me because he doesn't want to be with me. He says it's up to me, but I told him I can't change overnight. Yet all he said to that was "choose". I told him I wanted to be with him and that I would work harder on my insecurities, but he says that's not good enough... What should I do? I feel bad for questioning him, but this is also difficult for me.
VictorM's advice:
You boyfriend is acting like a jackass, and he's succeeding in making you think that you are the one.
So you don't like porn and blatant acts of nudity. Why are you calling those "insecurities"? They sound to me like perfectly fine personal values. What's wrong with that?
Maybe your insecurity really is that you don't affirm your convictions more forcefully because you're bowing to the pressure of keeping him. But why keep him? He doesn't sound like much of a winner.
I hope you'll come to realize that rather than there being something wrong with you -- doesn't sound like there is -- you two are just a mismatch, a couple that simply shouldn't be together.
I have major insecurities with porn and feeling under apprecciated. My boyfriend tells me to "grow up" or "be mature" when something I don't agree with comes up and I confront him. I have been working on my insecurities but he told me that he "didn't notice because most guys don't have to deal with this". I hate porn and anything to do with exposing oneself especially sexually. I think the human body is beautiful, but when it is used to "get off" or just gawk at because it CAN be shown, I think it is wrong. He knew this when we started dating but recently he has been sneeking glances and lying about it. He told me that he is "not that kind of guy" and that he can be "mature" about it and not "pop one" every time something like that comes on. I believe him, but I wonder why it is that he has such an issue of not looking at it. He tells me I am immature and that I should learn to deal with it because that's "how the world is". Recently we got in an argument and he told me it was either my insecurities or him. Then he took off for 2 days saying that we needed "time apart". All I wanted to do was work this out, but instead he just left me stranded "litterally" at the house with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to help. He took the car keys but had his sister come and pick him up. We are visiting his dad, and he still isn't back with his dad's keys. He doesn't seem to care about anyone else but himself. I don't know if he is blowing this out of proportion because he is honestly hurt that I have this problem and that I've caught him lying, or if this is just him making an excuse and blaming it all on me because he doesn't want to be with me. He says it's up to me, but I told him I can't change overnight. Yet all he said to that was "choose". I told him I wanted to be with him and that I would work harder on my insecurities, but he says that's not good enough... What should I do? I feel bad for questioning him, but this is also difficult for me.
VictorM's advice:
You boyfriend is acting like a jackass, and he's succeeding in making you think that you are the one.
So you don't like porn and blatant acts of nudity. Why are you calling those "insecurities"? They sound to me like perfectly fine personal values. What's wrong with that?
Maybe your insecurity really is that you don't affirm your convictions more forcefully because you're bowing to the pressure of keeping him. But why keep him? He doesn't sound like much of a winner.
I hope you'll come to realize that rather than there being something wrong with you -- doesn't sound like there is -- you two are just a mismatch, a couple that simply shouldn't be together.
K: not as bad as I made it sound
Submitted on Monday, November 12, 2007
By K.:
Okay, thanks Victor for answering my previous question. Its not as bad as I made it sound, but after reading what you had to say I realized I was acting like a slut and karma would come back to me. So I told the cute friend that I have a boyfriend, and that I am willing to still get to know him, but I will not cheat on my boyfriend. He said it's fine, but now he's acting like I belong to him, telling me to blow off my boyfriend and come hang out with him. My boyfriend and I are also having problems. Ever since we started being intimate, that's all we ever do. (He's also my first.) I told him I don't feel like his girlfriend anymore, and today we almost broke up because we just don't understand each other. We come from 2 different worlds and have nothing and I mean NOTHING in common. He said he still wants to be with me, but thinks we should take a break. I told him if we take a break I won't come back to him, he didn't understand why. We made up and the rest of the day he was trying to make an effort into making me feel more like his girlfriend again. But I still really want to make him feel like he will loose me. I want him to know that someone else is stealing me away, but I don't want to tell him straight foward. How do I get him to realize that one more false move.. and I'll simply be gone?
VictorM's advice:
Don't do that. Threats and ultimatums, whether stated or implied, are a rotten way to run a relationship. The whole idea is to communicate honestly and seek mutual comfort zones.
If this guy isn't "it" for you, do him and yourself a favor and move on. Besides, you know you want to move on, no need to set up booby traps.
By K.:
Okay, thanks Victor for answering my previous question. Its not as bad as I made it sound, but after reading what you had to say I realized I was acting like a slut and karma would come back to me. So I told the cute friend that I have a boyfriend, and that I am willing to still get to know him, but I will not cheat on my boyfriend. He said it's fine, but now he's acting like I belong to him, telling me to blow off my boyfriend and come hang out with him. My boyfriend and I are also having problems. Ever since we started being intimate, that's all we ever do. (He's also my first.) I told him I don't feel like his girlfriend anymore, and today we almost broke up because we just don't understand each other. We come from 2 different worlds and have nothing and I mean NOTHING in common. He said he still wants to be with me, but thinks we should take a break. I told him if we take a break I won't come back to him, he didn't understand why. We made up and the rest of the day he was trying to make an effort into making me feel more like his girlfriend again. But I still really want to make him feel like he will loose me. I want him to know that someone else is stealing me away, but I don't want to tell him straight foward. How do I get him to realize that one more false move.. and I'll simply be gone?
VictorM's advice:
Don't do that. Threats and ultimatums, whether stated or implied, are a rotten way to run a relationship. The whole idea is to communicate honestly and seek mutual comfort zones.
If this guy isn't "it" for you, do him and yourself a favor and move on. Besides, you know you want to move on, no need to set up booby traps.
Sexual tension between us
Submitted on Monday, November 12, 2007
By Brittany, 18, from Jersey:
So I've gotten extremely close with my guy best friend, yet there's so many signs that show this sexual tension between us. Touching all the time, our hugs are longer than they should be, he's constantly texting me, checking up on where I am. Yet he's a major flirt and flirts with plenty of girls yet there seems to be something different with us. I know he cares about me cause we helped each other through girls/guys but is there a possibility for something more? Or am I just thinking too much into his sensitivity into our closeness?
VictorM's advice:
Good friends becoming lovers is a good path to great relationships.
He could very well be getting closer to you and yet be afraid to let you know how he feels, hence the flirting with other girls to throw you off. On the other hand, boys get easily turned on to "sexual tension" with anyone they find attractive. They won't pass up a chance to cop a feel or hug longer, most often without the slightest interest in a relationship.
What I'm saying is: it's possible he's getting emotionally closer to you but don't judge it by his physical displays of affection.
So I've gotten extremely close with my guy best friend, yet there's so many signs that show this sexual tension between us. Touching all the time, our hugs are longer than they should be, he's constantly texting me, checking up on where I am. Yet he's a major flirt and flirts with plenty of girls yet there seems to be something different with us. I know he cares about me cause we helped each other through girls/guys but is there a possibility for something more? Or am I just thinking too much into his sensitivity into our closeness?
VictorM's advice:
Good friends becoming lovers is a good path to great relationships.
He could very well be getting closer to you and yet be afraid to let you know how he feels, hence the flirting with other girls to throw you off. On the other hand, boys get easily turned on to "sexual tension" with anyone they find attractive. They won't pass up a chance to cop a feel or hug longer, most often without the slightest interest in a relationship.
What I'm saying is: it's possible he's getting emotionally closer to you but don't judge it by his physical displays of affection.
He just kept talking and talking
Submitted on Monday, November 12,
By Erica, 26, from VT:
I am dating a guy long distance that I knew in university (friends and a few make outs, nothing serious) but we both moved away after grad. Stayed in touch over past couple of years. Both moved back to Vermont and started seeing each other. He is not experienced with relationships and I was in a very serious relationship (engaged) previously. A few weeks ago we took a trip together and I got upset with him about insensitive stuff he said. I got silent and instead of asking me what was wrong he just kept talking and talking (he is NOT an extremely talkative person) about stupid stuff (like the funny animals-we were at the zoo) that had nothing to do with why I was upset. Later, I told him I didn't think he actually liked me because of things he was saying. He said that I was just misinterpreting things and was being insecure. (He didn't ask me what those things were). Finally I asked why he didn't want to know so he could fix them. He said it is easier to just not get into the arguments and he hopes by ignoring that they will just go away. I said if he really liked me he would want to fix those things so they don't happen again. I told him what was bothering me and he said that he didn't realize, and he was sorry and he would try better - which he actually has been doing already. I like him a lot and want to make things work but I guess I am just used to my ex who knew the right things to say.
My question is... is this just how men are or is he just not that into me?
VictorM's answer:
Oh boy, you said some of the ugliest words in the English language (when it comes to relationships): "I said if he really liked me he would want to..." Liking you has got nothing to do with it. What he denoted were poor relationship skills, not a demonstration of his feelings for you. Don't confuse the two.
To answer your question, it's not just men that are this way. Every relationship is a series of adjustments. He talked and talk and, on the other hand, you went silent. How is that any more mature or a sign that you like him? How was he suppose to know why you were upset about if you didn't tell him? Let me guess... he should be able to read your mind. Right? Come on, look in the mirror before pointing fingers. He's trying, what else can you ask from the guy?
Your ex knew what to say? Really? Um... OK, if you say so, but there must be something else that wasn't quite right, wouldn't you say?
By Erica, 26, from VT:
I am dating a guy long distance that I knew in university (friends and a few make outs, nothing serious) but we both moved away after grad. Stayed in touch over past couple of years. Both moved back to Vermont and started seeing each other. He is not experienced with relationships and I was in a very serious relationship (engaged) previously. A few weeks ago we took a trip together and I got upset with him about insensitive stuff he said. I got silent and instead of asking me what was wrong he just kept talking and talking (he is NOT an extremely talkative person) about stupid stuff (like the funny animals-we were at the zoo) that had nothing to do with why I was upset. Later, I told him I didn't think he actually liked me because of things he was saying. He said that I was just misinterpreting things and was being insecure. (He didn't ask me what those things were). Finally I asked why he didn't want to know so he could fix them. He said it is easier to just not get into the arguments and he hopes by ignoring that they will just go away. I said if he really liked me he would want to fix those things so they don't happen again. I told him what was bothering me and he said that he didn't realize, and he was sorry and he would try better - which he actually has been doing already. I like him a lot and want to make things work but I guess I am just used to my ex who knew the right things to say.
My question is... is this just how men are or is he just not that into me?
VictorM's answer:
Oh boy, you said some of the ugliest words in the English language (when it comes to relationships): "I said if he really liked me he would want to..." Liking you has got nothing to do with it. What he denoted were poor relationship skills, not a demonstration of his feelings for you. Don't confuse the two.
To answer your question, it's not just men that are this way. Every relationship is a series of adjustments. He talked and talk and, on the other hand, you went silent. How is that any more mature or a sign that you like him? How was he suppose to know why you were upset about if you didn't tell him? Let me guess... he should be able to read your mind. Right? Come on, look in the mirror before pointing fingers. He's trying, what else can you ask from the guy?
Your ex knew what to say? Really? Um... OK, if you say so, but there must be something else that wasn't quite right, wouldn't you say?
I am nineteen and he is twenty-seven
Submitted on Monday, November 12, 2007
By Kelly, 19, from AZ:
I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year now. I am nineteen and he is twenty-seven. When I first met him, I was a virgin and I knew he had experience. Thinking about his past never bothered me for about the first ten months. Lately however, it is on my mind constantly. It makes me sick to think of him being attracted to other women sexually and enjoy seeing their naked bodies and whatnot. I feel as though I almost resent him for having a past even though his past is quite respectable. He has not been with that many women (at least for his age), no one night stands, he doesn't think about them, keep in contact with them, or talk about them. He constantly says that I am the best and that they don't even compare to me. He has got to be the best boyfriend ever. We have the same beliefs, he never looks at other women, doesn't look at porn, we practically never fight, he communicates his feelings so well, and he constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me. I don't think I will ever find as good of a relationship as I have with him. But worrying about his past is really starting to take its toll on me. I feel like perhaps I am resenting him for all the things he did in his past and I'm not allowed to do those same things because I'm in the relationship with him. However, I don't want to mess up the relationship which could be my one true love. Please help me out, I just want to stop worrying about his past.
~Worried in AZ
VictorM's advice:
You're really not worried about his past; you're worried about your future. Will this be the only man you'll have sex with? How would it feel to have sex with another guy? Will you be tempted in the future and ruin everything?
Really, what difference does it make that he had other lovers? I think you'd still feel the same you do if he was a virgin when you met him, you'd just be looking for another excuse to hide your own sense of lust and uncertainty. So let's leave him out of this and direct your thoughts to where they should be: you!
In an age of easy sex and multiple partners, your thoughts are easy to understand. Your grandmother probably accepted the one man for life; that's not so easy in todays society where promiscuity is much more accepted, or at least practiced. As such, you fear being left out, missing out on something that girls your age seem to be enjoying in bunches.
I don't have any words of wisdom to make your thoughts go away. All I can say is that what you're experiencing is natural. You are anticipating temptation and how you'll deal with it. But if you fix your mind on just that you're missing the gift you are being given.
See, we never really know how committed we are to a person until we are tested and made to sacrifice. If being faithful and unselfish was easy, many more people would do it. But that is not the case. Facing these thoughts and fighting them off is your opportunity to demonstrate that you will not give in so easily to temptation, that your love for this man is strong enough for you to win out.
Don't worry that you have those thoughts -- they are normal -- rejoice instead in the strength to not let them spoil your relationship.
Besides, if push comes to shove, there's always the choice of a swinging lifestyle. :)
I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year now. I am nineteen and he is twenty-seven. When I first met him, I was a virgin and I knew he had experience. Thinking about his past never bothered me for about the first ten months. Lately however, it is on my mind constantly. It makes me sick to think of him being attracted to other women sexually and enjoy seeing their naked bodies and whatnot. I feel as though I almost resent him for having a past even though his past is quite respectable. He has not been with that many women (at least for his age), no one night stands, he doesn't think about them, keep in contact with them, or talk about them. He constantly says that I am the best and that they don't even compare to me. He has got to be the best boyfriend ever. We have the same beliefs, he never looks at other women, doesn't look at porn, we practically never fight, he communicates his feelings so well, and he constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me. I don't think I will ever find as good of a relationship as I have with him. But worrying about his past is really starting to take its toll on me. I feel like perhaps I am resenting him for all the things he did in his past and I'm not allowed to do those same things because I'm in the relationship with him. However, I don't want to mess up the relationship which could be my one true love. Please help me out, I just want to stop worrying about his past.
~Worried in AZ
VictorM's advice:
You're really not worried about his past; you're worried about your future. Will this be the only man you'll have sex with? How would it feel to have sex with another guy? Will you be tempted in the future and ruin everything?
Really, what difference does it make that he had other lovers? I think you'd still feel the same you do if he was a virgin when you met him, you'd just be looking for another excuse to hide your own sense of lust and uncertainty. So let's leave him out of this and direct your thoughts to where they should be: you!
In an age of easy sex and multiple partners, your thoughts are easy to understand. Your grandmother probably accepted the one man for life; that's not so easy in todays society where promiscuity is much more accepted, or at least practiced. As such, you fear being left out, missing out on something that girls your age seem to be enjoying in bunches.
I don't have any words of wisdom to make your thoughts go away. All I can say is that what you're experiencing is natural. You are anticipating temptation and how you'll deal with it. But if you fix your mind on just that you're missing the gift you are being given.
See, we never really know how committed we are to a person until we are tested and made to sacrifice. If being faithful and unselfish was easy, many more people would do it. But that is not the case. Facing these thoughts and fighting them off is your opportunity to demonstrate that you will not give in so easily to temptation, that your love for this man is strong enough for you to win out.
Don't worry that you have those thoughts -- they are normal -- rejoice instead in the strength to not let them spoil your relationship.
Besides, if push comes to shove, there's always the choice of a swinging lifestyle. :)
Monday, November 12, 2007
He can see us together forever
Submitted on Sunday, November 11, 2007
By Alice, 24, from Maryland:
Hi there,
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year and lately he is very keen to move out together and keeps hinting at other commitment type things, like saying he can see us together forever etc. Normally people talk about the guy being non-committal, but I really am reluctant to go any further at this stage. I think it's logical to wait, until we have better jobs, etc. and he is a lot younger than I am. But I also wonder whether it's me who's the non-commital one, I often like things to be temporary, I've never had a job (not on a contract) and I often weigh up the risks and how easy it is to get out of something before I commit to it whether it be a phone plan or rent or work.
Anyway, I love him very much and I really see a long future but I still feel very irritated at the idea of actually acting on making a commitment. I tell him that's how I feel and he seems ok, but I just wonder if I am right to feel like that. And I also wonder if my hesitancy is hurting him in anyway, since he's offering me his support and I'm rejecting it in a way.
What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
You are right to feel that way, and you are right about not committing yet. After all:
-- You have only been seeing each other one year, that simply is not long enough.
-- You pointed out that he's "a lot younger", and since you're 24, he's far too young still. I believe this is something that bothers. You wouldn't have included that bit unless it was an issue with you.
-- Commitment requires stability, and you don't have it, jobs wise.
-- But above all, Alice, you simply are not ready for it. And frankly, you need no other reason.
The guy is fine with it. He's a guy, so chances are that he means it and that he's not hurting over it. You might have had a point if he was a girl. And as a typical girl, you are over-thinking this.
Botton line: You're not ready for commitment, he's fine with it, live happily. The End!
By Alice, 24, from Maryland:
Hi there,
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year and lately he is very keen to move out together and keeps hinting at other commitment type things, like saying he can see us together forever etc. Normally people talk about the guy being non-committal, but I really am reluctant to go any further at this stage. I think it's logical to wait, until we have better jobs, etc. and he is a lot younger than I am. But I also wonder whether it's me who's the non-commital one, I often like things to be temporary, I've never had a job (not on a contract) and I often weigh up the risks and how easy it is to get out of something before I commit to it whether it be a phone plan or rent or work.
Anyway, I love him very much and I really see a long future but I still feel very irritated at the idea of actually acting on making a commitment. I tell him that's how I feel and he seems ok, but I just wonder if I am right to feel like that. And I also wonder if my hesitancy is hurting him in anyway, since he's offering me his support and I'm rejecting it in a way.
What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
You are right to feel that way, and you are right about not committing yet. After all:
-- You have only been seeing each other one year, that simply is not long enough.
-- You pointed out that he's "a lot younger", and since you're 24, he's far too young still. I believe this is something that bothers. You wouldn't have included that bit unless it was an issue with you.
-- Commitment requires stability, and you don't have it, jobs wise.
-- But above all, Alice, you simply are not ready for it. And frankly, you need no other reason.
The guy is fine with it. He's a guy, so chances are that he means it and that he's not hurting over it. You might have had a point if he was a girl. And as a typical girl, you are over-thinking this.
Botton line: You're not ready for commitment, he's fine with it, live happily. The End!
We made out frequently throughout the day
Submitted on Sunday, November 11, 2007
By Anne, 16, from Singapore:
I met a friend of mine who I hooked up with before for my birthday. We made out frequently throughout the day, and he told me he liked me a lot, and I 'was the only girl for him'. We didn't have sex, but he kept talking about how he wanted to. All of our friends were sure we would end up going out, and before he left, we kissed goodbye. I liked him a lot, but my best friend is close with him and asked him about 'us' and he said he is physically attracted to me and he told her that "we" both like to just flirt with one another." I actually liked him! I hate to ask, but, I think I just got played, yea?
VictorM's answer:
Not necessarily. I mean, you were a willing participant on the making out, and he respected you saying no to sex. So you were not played (well, the "only girl for him" comment sounds a little over the top, but I think he was acting on the rush of chemicals flowing through his body).
He acted on physical attraction to you and it's totally normal that further feelings don't develop right away, which is what I think he was responding to your friend. Guys are notoriously slower than girls to move into an emotional attachment. So, if anything, I find his answer to your friend honest and rather refreshing.
Basically, with teens boys, their blood is always going to flow to their penis before it ever flows to their hearts.
Since you like him, give him the time to get to know you as more than just a friend and to develop feelings that are more than physical. During this period of time, you should refrain from sex and even heavy making out to see how committed he is to allowing his heart to take over his penis.
By the way, this, and not the role of woman in society, is the reason to suggest that girls withhold sex early on.
By Anne, 16, from Singapore:
I met a friend of mine who I hooked up with before for my birthday. We made out frequently throughout the day, and he told me he liked me a lot, and I 'was the only girl for him'. We didn't have sex, but he kept talking about how he wanted to. All of our friends were sure we would end up going out, and before he left, we kissed goodbye. I liked him a lot, but my best friend is close with him and asked him about 'us' and he said he is physically attracted to me and he told her that "we" both like to just flirt with one another." I actually liked him! I hate to ask, but, I think I just got played, yea?
VictorM's answer:
Not necessarily. I mean, you were a willing participant on the making out, and he respected you saying no to sex. So you were not played (well, the "only girl for him" comment sounds a little over the top, but I think he was acting on the rush of chemicals flowing through his body).
He acted on physical attraction to you and it's totally normal that further feelings don't develop right away, which is what I think he was responding to your friend. Guys are notoriously slower than girls to move into an emotional attachment. So, if anything, I find his answer to your friend honest and rather refreshing.
Basically, with teens boys, their blood is always going to flow to their penis before it ever flows to their hearts.
Since you like him, give him the time to get to know you as more than just a friend and to develop feelings that are more than physical. During this period of time, you should refrain from sex and even heavy making out to see how committed he is to allowing his heart to take over his penis.
By the way, this, and not the role of woman in society, is the reason to suggest that girls withhold sex early on.
He blushed crimson red and walked away
Submitted on Sunday, November 11, 2007
By stephanie, 16, from denver:
OK, so there's this guy that I think has liked me for a while. I had my friend ask him: "Did you ever like Stephanie?" and he blushed crimson red and walked away.
a.) what does this mean? and b.) was this a really bad immature thing to do and would it scare him off?
VictorM's answer:
a) Blushing doesn't mean that he likes you, it just means he was worried about his answer. That answer could be that he likes you, in which case he's worried he'll look like a jerk if you don't like him back, or the answer could be that he doesn't like you, in which case he'd be worried he was hurting your feelings. Anyway, blushing is more a reflection of worry than anything else. He was smart to walk away without answering.
b) Yes, it was immature but par for your age group, so don't sweat it. And yes, it could scare him off somewhat but f he likes you, he will find the courage to let you know it.
By stephanie, 16, from denver:
OK, so there's this guy that I think has liked me for a while. I had my friend ask him: "Did you ever like Stephanie?" and he blushed crimson red and walked away.
a.) what does this mean? and b.) was this a really bad immature thing to do and would it scare him off?
VictorM's answer:
a) Blushing doesn't mean that he likes you, it just means he was worried about his answer. That answer could be that he likes you, in which case he's worried he'll look like a jerk if you don't like him back, or the answer could be that he doesn't like you, in which case he'd be worried he was hurting your feelings. Anyway, blushing is more a reflection of worry than anything else. He was smart to walk away without answering.
b) Yes, it was immature but par for your age group, so don't sweat it. And yes, it could scare him off somewhat but f he likes you, he will find the courage to let you know it.
Me, feeling liberated
Submitted Sunday, November 11, 2007
By Me, 34, from Earth:
Thank you, Victor, for the confirmation of my instincts about excessively cool man. Not even other guys I've asked were giving me a straight answer about that...probably because they didn't want to hurt my feelings either! Ahhh, men..so sweet.
Today he called to tell me he wasn't feeling well, so he couldn't go hiking. So I took the opportunity to end the ridiculousness. I told him I knew he wasn't interested, and that he was trying to be nice. He said he didn't know what to do about it to which I replied that he could just be honest...that I like honesty. And then I wished him well and said good bye. I put it very nicely without any blaming tones and turned from feeling repulsive and unwanted to feeling liberated. It was awesome. He sounded kinda depressed when he hung up so he probably felt a little like a jackass. Oh well. :)
Thanks again!
VictorM's comment:
You're quite welcome! :)
For me this was the best part of your submission: "...turned from feeling repulsive and unwanted to feeling liberated." Awesome!!
By Me, 34, from Earth:
Thank you, Victor, for the confirmation of my instincts about excessively cool man. Not even other guys I've asked were giving me a straight answer about that...probably because they didn't want to hurt my feelings either! Ahhh, men..so sweet.
Today he called to tell me he wasn't feeling well, so he couldn't go hiking. So I took the opportunity to end the ridiculousness. I told him I knew he wasn't interested, and that he was trying to be nice. He said he didn't know what to do about it to which I replied that he could just be honest...that I like honesty. And then I wished him well and said good bye. I put it very nicely without any blaming tones and turned from feeling repulsive and unwanted to feeling liberated. It was awesome. He sounded kinda depressed when he hung up so he probably felt a little like a jackass. Oh well. :)
Thanks again!
VictorM's comment:
You're quite welcome! :)
For me this was the best part of your submission: "...turned from feeling repulsive and unwanted to feeling liberated." Awesome!!
Why act one way sober and a completely different way drunk
Submitted on Saturday, November 10, 2007
by Julie, from PA:
Hi Victor--you were kind enough to answer my inquiry previously about meeting a man on the net-everything was great in person, and then he acted weird about needing 'his space' after. Well, you shed some light on the subject for me. And a female friend said all along that he was into me and afraid of his feelings for me and that he would be back. Well, strangely enough, he has popped back into my life this week and claims to have disappeared because of his feelings, that he does not understand these feelings, and that these feelings scared him, etc. Well, he saw what I looked like at the present and said: "your sooo hot, sooo beautiful, you look amazing. And have you been working out a lot, lately?"
He stated it was time to talk and he reminded me he had said previously that "he needed time--not forever". He also asked if I had slept with anyone since that talk, I said almost one time... and he got really mad, demanding to know who, why and that "you know better than to sleep with anyone else". This was just a mere few days ago.
Today, he went out to the bar and got drunk. Now he claims that he came back into my life in the past few days to 'humor me' and that I need to get over him. I asked why he even came into my life again and he said over guilt. I said then why did you want to drive several hours to see me this weekend? He said, I was just humoring you. OK, Victor, I am not bragging because I have low self-esteem but I constantly get compliments from men, saying that I am hot and beautiful. So, I don't think I repulse the guy, but why is he playing such games?
Today, sober, he still wants nothing to do with me and wants me to tell him goodbye just 24 hours after all that other stuff?! I just DON'T GET IT. Doesn't add up in my book. Please shed some light on this. Oh, he is younger--I am in my 30's and he is in his 20's. Why act one way sober and a completely different way drunk --all within 24 hrs? So, what is the bottom line, is he into me or not?
Thanks sooo very much! Julie.
VictorM's advice:
(Julie, I combined portions of your two submissions into one.)
When you want to know someone's true personality, get them drunk!
You know how kids say what's on their mind? Well, parents, teachers, family members, older siblings, authority figures, etc. spend enormous energy telling us what's wrong with being too blunt. So, over the years we are forced to comply with laws, rules, and other social norms forced on through threats of punishment, actual punishment, and embarrassment. As a result, most of us cover our natural tendencies with many inhibitions. Among other things, we learn to not be rude, to not hurt people, to give up our seat to older folks, to say please and thank you, to not hurt girls, to control our temper, to refrain from cursing, etc, etc.
So when a guy is dealing with a girl he acts on the inhibitions he was exposed to over his life. Guys learn that girls are sensitive, cry when sad, and get their feelings hurt easily. We're also made to feel guilty if we make a girl cry.
Now enter alcohol. What does that do? It removes the layers of inhibitions we built over the years as a result of society norms; inhibitions that have served to suppress our natural personalities. We, in essence, become children when we're drunk.
So the guy who becomes an obnoxious drunk will become more and more obnoxious the more comfortable he is around you. The violent drunk is a ticking time bomb even if well-mannered when sober. The usually shy person may become the life of the party. And the guy who wouldn't dare to make a girl cry by telling her directly how he feels about her, tells her how he truly feels.
Bottom line: he's not into you.
You're a lucky girl, Julie. His anger at you for saying you almost slept with another guy, and his persistence wanting to know who, was a peak into his controlling and jealous personality. You dodged a bullet because the more you got to know him the more the nice guy personality would give way to his darker side.
by Julie, from PA:
Hi Victor--you were kind enough to answer my inquiry previously about meeting a man on the net-everything was great in person, and then he acted weird about needing 'his space' after. Well, you shed some light on the subject for me. And a female friend said all along that he was into me and afraid of his feelings for me and that he would be back. Well, strangely enough, he has popped back into my life this week and claims to have disappeared because of his feelings, that he does not understand these feelings, and that these feelings scared him, etc. Well, he saw what I looked like at the present and said: "your sooo hot, sooo beautiful, you look amazing. And have you been working out a lot, lately?"
He stated it was time to talk and he reminded me he had said previously that "he needed time--not forever". He also asked if I had slept with anyone since that talk, I said almost one time... and he got really mad, demanding to know who, why and that "you know better than to sleep with anyone else". This was just a mere few days ago.
Today, he went out to the bar and got drunk. Now he claims that he came back into my life in the past few days to 'humor me' and that I need to get over him. I asked why he even came into my life again and he said over guilt. I said then why did you want to drive several hours to see me this weekend? He said, I was just humoring you. OK, Victor, I am not bragging because I have low self-esteem but I constantly get compliments from men, saying that I am hot and beautiful. So, I don't think I repulse the guy, but why is he playing such games?
Today, sober, he still wants nothing to do with me and wants me to tell him goodbye just 24 hours after all that other stuff?! I just DON'T GET IT. Doesn't add up in my book. Please shed some light on this. Oh, he is younger--I am in my 30's and he is in his 20's. Why act one way sober and a completely different way drunk --all within 24 hrs? So, what is the bottom line, is he into me or not?
Thanks sooo very much! Julie.
VictorM's advice:
(Julie, I combined portions of your two submissions into one.)
When you want to know someone's true personality, get them drunk!
You know how kids say what's on their mind? Well, parents, teachers, family members, older siblings, authority figures, etc. spend enormous energy telling us what's wrong with being too blunt. So, over the years we are forced to comply with laws, rules, and other social norms forced on through threats of punishment, actual punishment, and embarrassment. As a result, most of us cover our natural tendencies with many inhibitions. Among other things, we learn to not be rude, to not hurt people, to give up our seat to older folks, to say please and thank you, to not hurt girls, to control our temper, to refrain from cursing, etc, etc.
So when a guy is dealing with a girl he acts on the inhibitions he was exposed to over his life. Guys learn that girls are sensitive, cry when sad, and get their feelings hurt easily. We're also made to feel guilty if we make a girl cry.
Now enter alcohol. What does that do? It removes the layers of inhibitions we built over the years as a result of society norms; inhibitions that have served to suppress our natural personalities. We, in essence, become children when we're drunk.
So the guy who becomes an obnoxious drunk will become more and more obnoxious the more comfortable he is around you. The violent drunk is a ticking time bomb even if well-mannered when sober. The usually shy person may become the life of the party. And the guy who wouldn't dare to make a girl cry by telling her directly how he feels about her, tells her how he truly feels.
Bottom line: he's not into you.
You're a lucky girl, Julie. His anger at you for saying you almost slept with another guy, and his persistence wanting to know who, was a peak into his controlling and jealous personality. You dodged a bullet because the more you got to know him the more the nice guy personality would give way to his darker side.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Just got out of a 7 year realtionship a year ago
Submitted on Saturday, November 10, 2007
by Michelle, 24, from Hayward, CA:
I just got out of a 7 year realtionship a year ago. I'm dating someone new after trying to get over my ex. How do I know if the new friendship is not going to be hurtful like the last?
VictorM's advice:
There is no way to know. Every time you get involved with another person, the risk of heartache is always there. It's just the way it is. But there are lessons from that last relationship that you can carry forward to make it more bearable to deal with a next situation, if it happens.
For example, how many red flags did you ignore last time to let that relationship last as long as it did? Were there problems you could have picked-up earlier on and next time will you do something about similar things sooner?
You can also draw some consolation from your last experience. No matter how painful, you have survived and you are making new friends. So you can proceed knowing that even if there's heartache next time, you can cope. You did it once before, you can do it again.
Opening your heart to another always carries risks, but staying a lonely, bitter woman is a far worst fate. Just don't invest too much of your time and emotional energy on another person if you start detecting problems. If you're not feeling right about your partner, trust your instincts and act on them instead of making excuses.
by Michelle, 24, from Hayward, CA:
I just got out of a 7 year realtionship a year ago. I'm dating someone new after trying to get over my ex. How do I know if the new friendship is not going to be hurtful like the last?
VictorM's advice:
There is no way to know. Every time you get involved with another person, the risk of heartache is always there. It's just the way it is. But there are lessons from that last relationship that you can carry forward to make it more bearable to deal with a next situation, if it happens.
For example, how many red flags did you ignore last time to let that relationship last as long as it did? Were there problems you could have picked-up earlier on and next time will you do something about similar things sooner?
You can also draw some consolation from your last experience. No matter how painful, you have survived and you are making new friends. So you can proceed knowing that even if there's heartache next time, you can cope. You did it once before, you can do it again.
Opening your heart to another always carries risks, but staying a lonely, bitter woman is a far worst fate. Just don't invest too much of your time and emotional energy on another person if you start detecting problems. If you're not feeling right about your partner, trust your instincts and act on them instead of making excuses.
He loves to search porn online
Submitted on Saturday, November 10, 2007
by Bella, 23, from Canada:
by Bella, 23, from Canada:
I have been dating a guy for a year now. We are serious about each other and love each other very much. There is one problem: he loves to search porn online. I have known about this for awhile and tried to ignore it but I can't anymore. I had confronted him on this and he denied it but I am no fool...he always searches teen porn and stuff. Our sex life hasn't really suffered however I am always the one initiating it. I am very attractive, young and in good shape. A lot of guys are attracted to me. I am now even resorting to dressing up as these "teens" -- I wear the mini skirts, short shits, high socks like the ones he likes and put my hair in pigtails. It is damaging my self-esteem. There is also something else. I recently also found out that he has been searching local escort services. Is that a signal he will cheat or does he consider this harmless curiosity? I am willing to do anything in bed and have done a lot -- I am no prude. I don't know what to do. I can't confront him on this issue about the escort because I found it while looking on his computer without his permission. I need advice, please, this is eating me up!
VictorM's advice:
Watching some porn is a fairly common practice among guys. That, by itself, doesn't mean there's a problem. But there are a few things about your submission that are quite disturbing:
-- He denies doing it, which means he's a deceitful individual who can't take responsibility for his own behavior;
-- He doesn't initiate sex, which might indicate a preference for a more perverted type of sex than you can provide (and no, it doesn't have to do with the acts of sex; it has to do with you not being a prostitute or a porn star);
-- You are trying too hard to please a guy at the sacrifice of your own self-esteem. This kind of appeasement just encourages his behavior and is a recipe for disaster. Stop doing it!
-- His search for escort services (really, prostitutes) not only supports the point I made above about his preference for certain types of women, but is indicative of a sexual like style (no, Bella, it's not just curiosity, you're being extra naive if you buy into that idea).
Your boyfriend is a male slut (in the worst sense of the word). Talking to him is a waste of your time. Expecting him to change is living in fantasy world. Continue being his girlfriend at your own risk.
VictorM's advice:
Watching some porn is a fairly common practice among guys. That, by itself, doesn't mean there's a problem. But there are a few things about your submission that are quite disturbing:
-- He denies doing it, which means he's a deceitful individual who can't take responsibility for his own behavior;
-- He doesn't initiate sex, which might indicate a preference for a more perverted type of sex than you can provide (and no, it doesn't have to do with the acts of sex; it has to do with you not being a prostitute or a porn star);
-- You are trying too hard to please a guy at the sacrifice of your own self-esteem. This kind of appeasement just encourages his behavior and is a recipe for disaster. Stop doing it!
-- His search for escort services (really, prostitutes) not only supports the point I made above about his preference for certain types of women, but is indicative of a sexual like style (no, Bella, it's not just curiosity, you're being extra naive if you buy into that idea).
Your boyfriend is a male slut (in the worst sense of the word). Talking to him is a waste of your time. Expecting him to change is living in fantasy world. Continue being his girlfriend at your own risk.
I think he's playing it excessively cool
Submitted on Saturday, November 10, 2007
by me, 34, from earth:
I've dated a guy a few times. The first date he was very attentive... he set it up several days in advance and the date lasted several hours. No kiss at the end, which was fine. Second date was basically a movie. I asked him to come in to my place after for ice cream, (so that we could at least talk more and get to know each other), which he did. Very mixed body language signals. He kept saying he should go but that process took an hour. No kiss. He said he'd be in touch. I didn't wait and asked him out. He agreed but the date only lasted an hour by his choice. However he asked me to an event he was going to with some friends. After that still no kiss... mixed signals body language-wise. He said he'd be in touch. He did call and leave a message and we began playing phone tag for the next week and 1/2. When we finally connected he said we should hang out some time. He suggested we should go hiking but said he was pretty busy and he would call me.
My friends say he's playing it cool. I think he's playing it excessively cool to the point that he's just too busy for ME. Do guys keep calling to be polite? Am I over-thinking this?
VictorM's advice:
You're a female; of course you're over-thinking it. :)
But... you're right and your friends are wrong. Doesn't sound like he's just playing it too cool; he sounds more like a guy who isn't quite into you but doesn't have the balls to say it, so he'll ease his way out by spreading out his invitations and being "busy" enough to make sure he sees you less and less. Now, that doesn't mean he dislikes you, which explains the "mixed-signals." He enjoys your company but is not interested in anything steady. Why do it this way? Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by coming out and saying it.
Now, stop thinking and put your energies elsewhere.
by me, 34, from earth:
I've dated a guy a few times. The first date he was very attentive... he set it up several days in advance and the date lasted several hours. No kiss at the end, which was fine. Second date was basically a movie. I asked him to come in to my place after for ice cream, (so that we could at least talk more and get to know each other), which he did. Very mixed body language signals. He kept saying he should go but that process took an hour. No kiss. He said he'd be in touch. I didn't wait and asked him out. He agreed but the date only lasted an hour by his choice. However he asked me to an event he was going to with some friends. After that still no kiss... mixed signals body language-wise. He said he'd be in touch. He did call and leave a message and we began playing phone tag for the next week and 1/2. When we finally connected he said we should hang out some time. He suggested we should go hiking but said he was pretty busy and he would call me.
My friends say he's playing it cool. I think he's playing it excessively cool to the point that he's just too busy for ME. Do guys keep calling to be polite? Am I over-thinking this?
VictorM's advice:
You're a female; of course you're over-thinking it. :)
But... you're right and your friends are wrong. Doesn't sound like he's just playing it too cool; he sounds more like a guy who isn't quite into you but doesn't have the balls to say it, so he'll ease his way out by spreading out his invitations and being "busy" enough to make sure he sees you less and less. Now, that doesn't mean he dislikes you, which explains the "mixed-signals." He enjoys your company but is not interested in anything steady. Why do it this way? Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by coming out and saying it.
Now, stop thinking and put your energies elsewhere.
I met him in my English class
Submitted on Friday, November 09, 2007
by Julia, 18, from SC, asks:
Okay...I started liking this guy my junior year and I met him in my English class but he does pot and I don't, so I'm not one of his 'normal' friends who does pot. But anyway...he started flirting with me a lottt!! I was the only girl he did it with...we'd have staring contests, play around with each other, he'd try to get close to talk to me and stuff like that. I figured he liked me, so then I started liking him a lot and I decided to tell him toward the end of the school year. He told me that he didn't want to get me involved in the drug thing and it would be best if we didn't date because of that. But since school ended, we texted each other almost everyday during the summer...the problem was that I always got mad at him for little things and made a big deal out of it and told him about it...we argued more than just once or twice about what I started making a big deal about it...but like the next day we were fine...we got to the point where he got fed up with me making a big deal out of nothing, so we were almost ending our friendship...but I told him I felt bad about it and won't do it again and he said it meant a lot coming from me! And now we talk or text everyday...but what I'm trying to figure out is if he likes me. Maybe a little more than a friend (I definately know that you can't tell for sure, but at least from your point of view)...and the weird thing is that when I see him in school, 1 day he sees me in the hallway, he smiles and says hi, but the next he just walks passed me looking somewhere else...I don't know why he does that! None of my other guy friends do! And I'm very surprized that he'd put up with me getting mad all the time and still want to keep talking to me (even tho I'm not one of his 'pot' friends)... I'd have just given up! And he told me he didn't like me, like me because like I said he didnt want to get me involved in his problems and he didn't wanna be the blame for it...so I don't know...will you please tell me what you think!! I'd appreciate it a looottt!!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he likes you in a romantic way; he likes you more like a "little sister" whom he feels the need to protect. By putting up with you getting mad and keeping you away from drugs he finds a bit of redemption for his own failed lifestyle. Helping you may be the only thing that gives him some hope when he needs something positive in his life. Sometimes he needs that hope more than others, hence his inconsistent attention to you in school.
You'd be wise to stay clear of him.
by Julia, 18, from SC, asks:
Okay...I started liking this guy my junior year and I met him in my English class but he does pot and I don't, so I'm not one of his 'normal' friends who does pot. But anyway...he started flirting with me a lottt!! I was the only girl he did it with...we'd have staring contests, play around with each other, he'd try to get close to talk to me and stuff like that. I figured he liked me, so then I started liking him a lot and I decided to tell him toward the end of the school year. He told me that he didn't want to get me involved in the drug thing and it would be best if we didn't date because of that. But since school ended, we texted each other almost everyday during the summer...the problem was that I always got mad at him for little things and made a big deal out of it and told him about it...we argued more than just once or twice about what I started making a big deal about it...but like the next day we were fine...we got to the point where he got fed up with me making a big deal out of nothing, so we were almost ending our friendship...but I told him I felt bad about it and won't do it again and he said it meant a lot coming from me! And now we talk or text everyday...but what I'm trying to figure out is if he likes me. Maybe a little more than a friend (I definately know that you can't tell for sure, but at least from your point of view)...and the weird thing is that when I see him in school, 1 day he sees me in the hallway, he smiles and says hi, but the next he just walks passed me looking somewhere else...I don't know why he does that! None of my other guy friends do! And I'm very surprized that he'd put up with me getting mad all the time and still want to keep talking to me (even tho I'm not one of his 'pot' friends)... I'd have just given up! And he told me he didn't like me, like me because like I said he didnt want to get me involved in his problems and he didn't wanna be the blame for it...so I don't know...will you please tell me what you think!! I'd appreciate it a looottt!!!
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he likes you in a romantic way; he likes you more like a "little sister" whom he feels the need to protect. By putting up with you getting mad and keeping you away from drugs he finds a bit of redemption for his own failed lifestyle. Helping you may be the only thing that gives him some hope when he needs something positive in his life. Sometimes he needs that hope more than others, hence his inconsistent attention to you in school.
You'd be wise to stay clear of him.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
I found a great guy online
Elvie, 36, from WI, asks:
I found a great guy online. He lives halfway across the country. We are making plans for him to move to my town. My question is: he is finalizing his divorce after 2 years of being separated. I don't want to be the "rebound" relationship. He's saying that he is ready to settle down and is even talking about marriage. I really do love him and I want desperately to do the right thing by both of us and build something that lasts. I would think he probably would want to take some time after the divorce to get his head together and I want to give him that if he needs it. Thing is - he insists he doesn't. He wants to start our new life right away. I am all for starting a life together, but I want to make sure I am doing right by him. Am I right to be concerned, or should I just go with the flow and take him at his word?
VictorM's advice:
The divorce is just a formality. The relationship has been over for over two years, probably longer, depending how long ago their relationship deteriorated. He could very well be ready to move on. Or he could be rushing as he might have done the first time around. It's impossible for me to tell.
Have you met this man before? Have you spend a good quantity of time together, in person? Cause if you haven't, that's a scary thought.
I found a great guy online. He lives halfway across the country. We are making plans for him to move to my town. My question is: he is finalizing his divorce after 2 years of being separated. I don't want to be the "rebound" relationship. He's saying that he is ready to settle down and is even talking about marriage. I really do love him and I want desperately to do the right thing by both of us and build something that lasts. I would think he probably would want to take some time after the divorce to get his head together and I want to give him that if he needs it. Thing is - he insists he doesn't. He wants to start our new life right away. I am all for starting a life together, but I want to make sure I am doing right by him. Am I right to be concerned, or should I just go with the flow and take him at his word?
VictorM's advice:
The divorce is just a formality. The relationship has been over for over two years, probably longer, depending how long ago their relationship deteriorated. He could very well be ready to move on. Or he could be rushing as he might have done the first time around. It's impossible for me to tell.
Have you met this man before? Have you spend a good quantity of time together, in person? Cause if you haven't, that's a scary thought.
You have hit the nail on the head
April, 31, from Texas, says:
You have hit the nail on the head and I totally agree with your examples. The past few days I have been planning on talking to him to finalize things. I will be giving him ring back since I really don't have a use for it. I will for my sanity end this as soon as possible. I need to move on with my life and find someone who will love me and my son. Life is too short not to be happy. Yet I know it will take me a while to heal my broken heart and decide to start dating again. I appreciate your time and responding back to my questions. Take care and God Bless.
April
VictorM's comment:
Thanks for the feedback and best of luck to you and your son.
And if you're the April that registered in the ARGville forum, please come by and visit with us. It would be nice to hear from you.
You have hit the nail on the head and I totally agree with your examples. The past few days I have been planning on talking to him to finalize things. I will be giving him ring back since I really don't have a use for it. I will for my sanity end this as soon as possible. I need to move on with my life and find someone who will love me and my son. Life is too short not to be happy. Yet I know it will take me a while to heal my broken heart and decide to start dating again. I appreciate your time and responding back to my questions. Take care and God Bless.
April
VictorM's comment:
Thanks for the feedback and best of luck to you and your son.
And if you're the April that registered in the ARGville forum, please come by and visit with us. It would be nice to hear from you.
I just don't get that he's not ready to commit
Theresa, 25, from california, asks:
I've been dating this guy for almost 3 months now. Everything is getting pretty well, I've met all of his close friends already and I even met his family too. We usually spend time together over the weekends and I usually sleep at his place more often. But I am actually more concerned about his past relationship with his ex for 7 years, it bothers me a lot. I feel intimidated by the fact that they lasted that long that I was thinking that maybe he still loves his ex. They don't talk that much anymore and the girl is now in Vegas so they don't see each other too. I once asked him about his ex, what if she comes back to him but then he said, he won't gonna reconcile with his ex anymore but I didn't know the reason why he answered that way. We've talked about our relationship and he said to me that he's comfortable with me and he just hoped that I won't fall for him right away because he's not ready to commit yet. And he also told me that I should not worry about his ex because they're just friends now, no more than that. I just don't get that he's not ready to commit and yet we're dating exclusively. What did he mean about all those things he said to me? Is he really over his ex? Do you think that he will pursue me for the long run?
VictorM's advice:
After a seven year relationship, and only three months with you, it is very wise that he doesn't want to commit. You should be thankful for that, not worried about it.
Ending a relationship that lasted that long is not like clicking a light switch off. It takes time and energy to get the other person off your system, much of the same type of energy that's required to hook up with someone new and getting to the point where the past is neatly put away and the present gets 100% of the attention. He's not there yet, but seems to be working towards it.
I've been dating this guy for almost 3 months now. Everything is getting pretty well, I've met all of his close friends already and I even met his family too. We usually spend time together over the weekends and I usually sleep at his place more often. But I am actually more concerned about his past relationship with his ex for 7 years, it bothers me a lot. I feel intimidated by the fact that they lasted that long that I was thinking that maybe he still loves his ex. They don't talk that much anymore and the girl is now in Vegas so they don't see each other too. I once asked him about his ex, what if she comes back to him but then he said, he won't gonna reconcile with his ex anymore but I didn't know the reason why he answered that way. We've talked about our relationship and he said to me that he's comfortable with me and he just hoped that I won't fall for him right away because he's not ready to commit yet. And he also told me that I should not worry about his ex because they're just friends now, no more than that. I just don't get that he's not ready to commit and yet we're dating exclusively. What did he mean about all those things he said to me? Is he really over his ex? Do you think that he will pursue me for the long run?
VictorM's advice:
After a seven year relationship, and only three months with you, it is very wise that he doesn't want to commit. You should be thankful for that, not worried about it.
Ending a relationship that lasted that long is not like clicking a light switch off. It takes time and energy to get the other person off your system, much of the same type of energy that's required to hook up with someone new and getting to the point where the past is neatly put away and the present gets 100% of the attention. He's not there yet, but seems to be working towards it.
I don't know why I slept with this guy, I'm a mess
lindsey, 23, from glasgow, asks:
OK, I broke up my fiancee of 2 years 3 months ago. It was a bad break up and we don't speak. Since then I've been out every weekend, drinking, drink driving, taking drugs and having sex with a guy I've known for ages. I really don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what to do. I thought I was just out having fun but it's not me at all, I'm not like that and I don't know why I slept with this guy. I'm a mess. I regret it as I miss being in love and really caring about someone. Help.
VictorM's advice:
You said you don't know who you are, but that's not true; you know exactly who you are: a girl who wants to be in love in a caring relationship and doesn't want to be an easy one-night stander, into drugs and alcohol.
The last couple of months, including sleeping with this guy, served a very good purpose: it helped you define who you are. You may not have planned all of that, but fate gave you a helping hand; you needed to do those things to know that's not who you want to be.
So, be thankful for the last few months, put that lifestyle behind you, and get involved with friends and with activities that are most likely to help you find someone to love.
OK, I broke up my fiancee of 2 years 3 months ago. It was a bad break up and we don't speak. Since then I've been out every weekend, drinking, drink driving, taking drugs and having sex with a guy I've known for ages. I really don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what to do. I thought I was just out having fun but it's not me at all, I'm not like that and I don't know why I slept with this guy. I'm a mess. I regret it as I miss being in love and really caring about someone. Help.
VictorM's advice:
You said you don't know who you are, but that's not true; you know exactly who you are: a girl who wants to be in love in a caring relationship and doesn't want to be an easy one-night stander, into drugs and alcohol.
The last couple of months, including sleeping with this guy, served a very good purpose: it helped you define who you are. You may not have planned all of that, but fate gave you a helping hand; you needed to do those things to know that's not who you want to be.
So, be thankful for the last few months, put that lifestyle behind you, and get involved with friends and with activities that are most likely to help you find someone to love.
He's irritating the crap out of me
Anonymous, 16, asks:
I'm not sure if my question is inappropriate for this place but hopefully you can help.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now. He's moved and it's been about two months since then. Every time we talk he always wants to have phone sex with me or see me through a webcam. When I'm not able to give him any of that, his attitude just changes and he starts acting all crappy and disappointed. It really annoys me and makes me think that that's all he wants. He'd rather do that, then just a have a normal conversation with me. What should I do? I can't stand that. I've tried to tell him how I feel, but it just happens all over again. He's irritating the crap out of me.
VictorM's advice:
Clearly sex is all he wants.
You said you tried to tell him, but if you still want to try keeping him as your boyfriend don't try; tell him very directly that if he can't take no for an answer and if you can't have normal conversations, you won't be his girlfriend.
But face it, the odds that you can make this long-distance relationship work are very slim. Why put up with the irritation when what he wants from you is clear?
And be careful with webcam stuff , lest you wind up in some "ex-girlfriend video" website (yes, there are plenty of sites where disgruntled ex-boyfriends post explicit video of their girlfriends, in some cases complete with personal information).
I'm not sure if my question is inappropriate for this place but hopefully you can help.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now. He's moved and it's been about two months since then. Every time we talk he always wants to have phone sex with me or see me through a webcam. When I'm not able to give him any of that, his attitude just changes and he starts acting all crappy and disappointed. It really annoys me and makes me think that that's all he wants. He'd rather do that, then just a have a normal conversation with me. What should I do? I can't stand that. I've tried to tell him how I feel, but it just happens all over again. He's irritating the crap out of me.
VictorM's advice:
Clearly sex is all he wants.
You said you tried to tell him, but if you still want to try keeping him as your boyfriend don't try; tell him very directly that if he can't take no for an answer and if you can't have normal conversations, you won't be his girlfriend.
But face it, the odds that you can make this long-distance relationship work are very slim. Why put up with the irritation when what he wants from you is clear?
And be careful with webcam stuff , lest you wind up in some "ex-girlfriend video" website (yes, there are plenty of sites where disgruntled ex-boyfriends post explicit video of their girlfriends, in some cases complete with personal information).
This situation just makes me nervous
Shelley, 21, from New York, asks:
I have been dating a friend for the past 3 months. He broke up with his girlfriend while we were beginning our relationship. The other day he said him and his ex were going to hang out, and this was the second time he has said that. I feel a bit uncomfortable because she still loves him and I know he still has some sort of emotion towards her. Anyway, I told him how it made me feel and the night he was supposed to hang out with her he came to me. But for the past 2 nights he has not replied to my calls or texts until 4 hours later saying that he was asleep... it was a bit late, but this situation just makes me nervous. He is so great, and it would suck to lose him, but I just want to know what is going on, am I just a rebound? Is he seeing her?
Thanks
Shell
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he's seeing her, but only a cold and indifferent person can break away from someone they loved without looking back. He broke up with her, that doesn't mean he doesn't have some affection or sympathy for her. It's not a very wise move on his part to spend time with her, but being unwise is not the same as being deceitful. It's not a pleasant situation for you and it's good that you told him how you feel. For now he seems to have responded well. As long as that's the case, I wouldn't worry about the other girl.
A good, loving relationship involves trust. Give him the benefit of the doubt and create an environment of love, fun, and trust. If he still has some lingering feelings for her, you're not going to make them go away by becoming a suspicious partner. I know this situation leaves you venerable to heartbreak but if the guy is worth it you'd be advised to focus on trusting and less on doubting.
I have been dating a friend for the past 3 months. He broke up with his girlfriend while we were beginning our relationship. The other day he said him and his ex were going to hang out, and this was the second time he has said that. I feel a bit uncomfortable because she still loves him and I know he still has some sort of emotion towards her. Anyway, I told him how it made me feel and the night he was supposed to hang out with her he came to me. But for the past 2 nights he has not replied to my calls or texts until 4 hours later saying that he was asleep... it was a bit late, but this situation just makes me nervous. He is so great, and it would suck to lose him, but I just want to know what is going on, am I just a rebound? Is he seeing her?
Thanks
Shell
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he's seeing her, but only a cold and indifferent person can break away from someone they loved without looking back. He broke up with her, that doesn't mean he doesn't have some affection or sympathy for her. It's not a very wise move on his part to spend time with her, but being unwise is not the same as being deceitful. It's not a pleasant situation for you and it's good that you told him how you feel. For now he seems to have responded well. As long as that's the case, I wouldn't worry about the other girl.
A good, loving relationship involves trust. Give him the benefit of the doubt and create an environment of love, fun, and trust. If he still has some lingering feelings for her, you're not going to make them go away by becoming a suspicious partner. I know this situation leaves you venerable to heartbreak but if the guy is worth it you'd be advised to focus on trusting and less on doubting.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Do you think she really is busy?
jeff, 22, from silverdale, asks:
I went on a few dates with a girl recently and she is a really nice girl, far different than the other girls who "stated" I was clicky and she wants a long term relationship and started open searching just as I did. We met online and then for a cup of coffee. After these dates that I thought went well she seemed like she was overwhelmed with a lot lately and didn't really want help from her parents or me, she told me the last guy hit her and choked her at times. I felt bad and I wanted to help her when she was sick and with school work and these last few days I tried calling and I thought she was ignoring me for 3 days but I realize with Verizon you don't always get missed calls or voicemails until 2 days later so she finally called me back on the Thursday of the week and said she was really busy with school and it was a mistake on her part and she didn't mean to lead me on, but she said she's sorry she can't be in a relationship right now. My question is was it something I might have said or did because I never even attempted to kiss her on the 2 dates or do you think she really is busy? Thanks, take care.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say if it's something you said or did. The one thing to think about is that quite often, when girls tell guys about some problem they're having, the guys want to jump in and solve the problem for them. This can be very annoying to the girls who: 1) just want to vent, 2) are quite capable of solving their own problems, and 3) feel more stress because you're not just listening to them and not treating them like a capable adult.
It is possible that she's just a bit overwhelmed and can't dedicate her time to someone else in her life at this point. If she does call you back, remember what I said above. Do NOT be a problem solver unless she specifically asks you for help, otherwise, assume she's just venting and do passive listening.
How do you do passive listening? You turn off the video game or TV, give her all your attention, and sprinkle the following at certain intervals: I see... really?... Oh wow... interesting... you don't say... amazing... mmmhmmm... oh... you're so right... Oh man... etc.
Yeah, that's right, you listen to a woman complain about her problems like a parent listens to a 4 year old. :)
I went on a few dates with a girl recently and she is a really nice girl, far different than the other girls who "stated" I was clicky and she wants a long term relationship and started open searching just as I did. We met online and then for a cup of coffee. After these dates that I thought went well she seemed like she was overwhelmed with a lot lately and didn't really want help from her parents or me, she told me the last guy hit her and choked her at times. I felt bad and I wanted to help her when she was sick and with school work and these last few days I tried calling and I thought she was ignoring me for 3 days but I realize with Verizon you don't always get missed calls or voicemails until 2 days later so she finally called me back on the Thursday of the week and said she was really busy with school and it was a mistake on her part and she didn't mean to lead me on, but she said she's sorry she can't be in a relationship right now. My question is was it something I might have said or did because I never even attempted to kiss her on the 2 dates or do you think she really is busy? Thanks, take care.
VictorM's advice:
Hard to say if it's something you said or did. The one thing to think about is that quite often, when girls tell guys about some problem they're having, the guys want to jump in and solve the problem for them. This can be very annoying to the girls who: 1) just want to vent, 2) are quite capable of solving their own problems, and 3) feel more stress because you're not just listening to them and not treating them like a capable adult.
It is possible that she's just a bit overwhelmed and can't dedicate her time to someone else in her life at this point. If she does call you back, remember what I said above. Do NOT be a problem solver unless she specifically asks you for help, otherwise, assume she's just venting and do passive listening.
How do you do passive listening? You turn off the video game or TV, give her all your attention, and sprinkle the following at certain intervals: I see... really?... Oh wow... interesting... you don't say... amazing... mmmhmmm... oh... you're so right... Oh man... etc.
Yeah, that's right, you listen to a woman complain about her problems like a parent listens to a 4 year old. :)
I feel empty and lonely
oyu, 28, asks:
I just broke up with my terrible ex-boyfriend two months now. And recently, I am with a married man. He used to be my client and I feel very comfortable to talk to him. It took me more than a month before I agreed to be his girlfriend. He is running a restaurant in my country and away from his family. I am not sure why I feel more happy to be with him when we were just friend. I had terrible relationship with my ex and my feelings are mixed up now. He is sweet to me but I keep thinking now he might not truly love me. He might have many other woman too. I hardly see him since he is running a resturant. He is only available in the morning for the breakfast or after 10pm. Mostly I just meet him up in his flat. Wondering why I don't have the feeling of dating this guy. I feel empty and lonely. How can I test him if his love to me is true.
VictorM's advice:
Wow... where to begin....
1) You are not his girlfriend; you're someone he can fuck when he has the time.
2) You're seeing a married man and you're empty and lonely. I'd call it poetic justice. I'd say that you deserve it.
3) Wanting to test a partner is a terrible way to be.
Looks like you made a terrible choice with your previous boyfriend and have made an equally bad choice to be with this married man. He's not the one that needs to be tested; you are! Your wisdom is terribly flawed.
I just broke up with my terrible ex-boyfriend two months now. And recently, I am with a married man. He used to be my client and I feel very comfortable to talk to him. It took me more than a month before I agreed to be his girlfriend. He is running a restaurant in my country and away from his family. I am not sure why I feel more happy to be with him when we were just friend. I had terrible relationship with my ex and my feelings are mixed up now. He is sweet to me but I keep thinking now he might not truly love me. He might have many other woman too. I hardly see him since he is running a resturant. He is only available in the morning for the breakfast or after 10pm. Mostly I just meet him up in his flat. Wondering why I don't have the feeling of dating this guy. I feel empty and lonely. How can I test him if his love to me is true.
VictorM's advice:
Wow... where to begin....
1) You are not his girlfriend; you're someone he can fuck when he has the time.
2) You're seeing a married man and you're empty and lonely. I'd call it poetic justice. I'd say that you deserve it.
3) Wanting to test a partner is a terrible way to be.
Looks like you made a terrible choice with your previous boyfriend and have made an equally bad choice to be with this married man. He's not the one that needs to be tested; you are! Your wisdom is terribly flawed.
When I asked him out very casually, he said that he is busy
fiona, 29, from london, asks:
I don't know whether this guy likes me or not. He is my colleague at work. Have caught him staring at me a few times, even winking once but when I asked him out very casually, he said that he is busy these few weeks but he will definitely take it up. Not sure what that means. One day he will be very friendly but the next day he seems to not notice my presence, and talks to other girls at work. Is he just a player?
VictorM's answer:
I'm not so sure the word "player" applies in this case. I think he's just a guy looking for fun stuff to do to pass the work day. He could play solitaire or he can flirt with the women at work. Flirting is more fun.
I think he politely turned you down. Not exactly the trade mark of a "player".
I don't know whether this guy likes me or not. He is my colleague at work. Have caught him staring at me a few times, even winking once but when I asked him out very casually, he said that he is busy these few weeks but he will definitely take it up. Not sure what that means. One day he will be very friendly but the next day he seems to not notice my presence, and talks to other girls at work. Is he just a player?
VictorM's answer:
I'm not so sure the word "player" applies in this case. I think he's just a guy looking for fun stuff to do to pass the work day. He could play solitaire or he can flirt with the women at work. Flirting is more fun.
I think he politely turned you down. Not exactly the trade mark of a "player".
He never has a straight answer
Jillian, 17, from newfoundland, asks:
What do I do if a guy says he likes me, and I like him a lot for a long time, but he says he doesn't want a relationship, and I know we could take it slow, but every time I ask him out on a date or something, he says: "Maybe" and he never has a straight answer. And another thing, when this other girl comes around, he totally ignores me.. and she's a lot older then him. I don't know what to do!
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like his definition of "like" is different than yours and he doesn't have a romantic interest in you at this time.
You're not going to make him more interested in you by continuing to ask him out. You should stop doing that and start asking other boys out. You don't have to give up on the boy you like, but until he develops an interest in you, you should see if there are other boys you like. Who knows, that might make him more interested in you.
It's normal for teenage boys to like older girls. He has no chance with her, but that's OK because he's not looking for a relationship, she's just a fantasy.
What do I do if a guy says he likes me, and I like him a lot for a long time, but he says he doesn't want a relationship, and I know we could take it slow, but every time I ask him out on a date or something, he says: "Maybe" and he never has a straight answer. And another thing, when this other girl comes around, he totally ignores me.. and she's a lot older then him. I don't know what to do!
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like his definition of "like" is different than yours and he doesn't have a romantic interest in you at this time.
You're not going to make him more interested in you by continuing to ask him out. You should stop doing that and start asking other boys out. You don't have to give up on the boy you like, but until he develops an interest in you, you should see if there are other boys you like. Who knows, that might make him more interested in you.
It's normal for teenage boys to like older girls. He has no chance with her, but that's OK because he's not looking for a relationship, she's just a fantasy.
We've been engaged for 3 years now
Rachie, 30, from OH, asks:
My fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He proposed to me after we had been together about six months and we've been engaged for 3 years now. He's been really evasive when the subject of marriage comes up and his excuse for us not getting married is because we can't afford it right now. It's always the money. Recently we came into a large sum of money and I told him "hey let's go get married, we have money now" and he got really weird and didn't want to talk about it so I asked him to tell me the real reason that he doesn't want to get married. He told me straight out that it's because I've gained some weight and he's not too attracted to me anymore.
I'm pretty tall and the weight gain isn't too bad but I have gone up a few pants sizes, no big deal I'm still tall and blonde I seriously still look good. He also has super bad problems keeping an erection and I'm wondering if that's all my fault too. Dude, he weighs around 280 pounds and is kinda huge, he is not a small guy so I don't know why he thinks he deserves a supermodel. All he cares about is looks and he proposed to ME, it's not like I held a gun to his head and made him do it. It just seems crazy to propose to someone and not marry them after 3 years and then tell them that they aren't good enough for you. Should I just leave this fool? Somebody help me.
VictorM's advice:
Should I just leave this fool? Hell yeah!
I pointed out on another Q+A that too many girls have the tendency to blame themselves for their partner's failings, and you just did it too. His erection problem is HIS problem; you didn't cause it and it's none of your fault. Get off the self-blame game.
My fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He proposed to me after we had been together about six months and we've been engaged for 3 years now. He's been really evasive when the subject of marriage comes up and his excuse for us not getting married is because we can't afford it right now. It's always the money. Recently we came into a large sum of money and I told him "hey let's go get married, we have money now" and he got really weird and didn't want to talk about it so I asked him to tell me the real reason that he doesn't want to get married. He told me straight out that it's because I've gained some weight and he's not too attracted to me anymore.
I'm pretty tall and the weight gain isn't too bad but I have gone up a few pants sizes, no big deal I'm still tall and blonde I seriously still look good. He also has super bad problems keeping an erection and I'm wondering if that's all my fault too. Dude, he weighs around 280 pounds and is kinda huge, he is not a small guy so I don't know why he thinks he deserves a supermodel. All he cares about is looks and he proposed to ME, it's not like I held a gun to his head and made him do it. It just seems crazy to propose to someone and not marry them after 3 years and then tell them that they aren't good enough for you. Should I just leave this fool? Somebody help me.
VictorM's advice:
Should I just leave this fool? Hell yeah!
I pointed out on another Q+A that too many girls have the tendency to blame themselves for their partner's failings, and you just did it too. His erection problem is HIS problem; you didn't cause it and it's none of your fault. Get off the self-blame game.
He woke up and told me he didn't love me any more
Chaz, 21, asks:
I was with a guy for a year and a half. We broke up off and on and we we're currently together. Two days before he told me he didn't love me anymore he sent me a text saying how much he did love me and how he was happier than he had ever been and that things couldn't have been better. Two days later he came and stayed with me. Around 11 at night he woke up and told me he didn't love me any more and that the past two weeks he was just saying that he loved me to make me happy! What have I done wrong?
VictorM's answer:
Well, nothing, really. He lied to you. He was the one that was wrong.
Don't take responsibility for his failings. That's a far too common trait among girls and you ought to work against that bad tendency.
Remember: he lied to you, not the other way around.
I was with a guy for a year and a half. We broke up off and on and we we're currently together. Two days before he told me he didn't love me anymore he sent me a text saying how much he did love me and how he was happier than he had ever been and that things couldn't have been better. Two days later he came and stayed with me. Around 11 at night he woke up and told me he didn't love me any more and that the past two weeks he was just saying that he loved me to make me happy! What have I done wrong?
VictorM's answer:
Well, nothing, really. He lied to you. He was the one that was wrong.
Don't take responsibility for his failings. That's a far too common trait among girls and you ought to work against that bad tendency.
Remember: he lied to you, not the other way around.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
April again, with more details
April, 31, from Texas, asks:
Thank you for the advice. Sometimes just hearing someone else say it makes the difference. I know what I "should do" I just really don't want to give up on him, ya know.
We have talked about his "reasons." One of them is my son who is 11 years old. I am a single mother who is both parents most of the time and yes, we do "bicker", he doesn't like that we don't always get along... well that is the way it is when you have children especially when they are pre-teen. He isn't sure if he could be a father to my son. Our talk happen the day after me and my ex got into an argument on the phone. My ex husband isn't very responsible when he has my son and my boyfriend had never heard me raise my voice like that. Mind you we have been dating for 3 1/2 years without one single fight. I don't know if that is such a good thing but I would rather resolve things by talking than yelling. I really think those are petty reasons to conclude that you may not want to be married to someone. I have known for a while what I want out of this relationship. I have no doubts or fears. I don't have a problem with giving him more time to make a decision I just don't think that all this time alone will help either. I feel like I have been blown off by him. I really don't understand how one day you can be so sweet to someone and then come off so cold the next day. I have done a lot of thinking about things and our relationship and I didn't see any red flags that this was about to happen. I was totally blind sided. I have been going to see a counselor since this all happened. Yet she just listens and really doesn't give any advice. I really don't know what I should do as far as telling him that if he doesn't want to be with me for now until he is able to make that decision that that's it? I really don't want to lose him. Thanks for your input.
VictorM's advice:
This is much better picture of the situation.
Being a father to someone else's son is not an easy task. It is a common concern for guys. Although he knew it all along, it probably didn't sink in until the marriage talk got more serious. From a guy's point of view, your son will be a reminder of you and your ex having sex (a major problem, I'm sure, for a guy who checks up on you). Plus, your son's father will, in one way or another, be around. I'm sure he's not pleased about that.
Look April, let me be blunt. He's had 3 years to think about this, do you really think he's still thinking about it now or is it more likely that he's preparing an escape? I mean, what nugget of wisdom is he going to find by himself that will make him be OK with your situation and all the obstacles as he sees them? I think you're being purposely naive because deep down, you're dreading the truth.
But is losing this guy really such a loss? I have to ask:
-- Do you want a guy you needs to be dragged into marriage and who needs to think so deeply about it? Shouldn't marriage be something that two people enter into totally voluntarily and eagerly?
-- Do you want a guy who is bothered by your son and who doesn't think he can act like his "father"?
-- Do you want a guy who doesn't trust you and will be checking your whereabouts and make you account for your time? (Trust me, he will!)
-- Do you want a guy who doesn't understand how the relationship between a parent and a child works? And trust me, as your son gets older, things will get tougher. Teenage boys can be much more difficult than pre-teens.
-- Do you want a guy who is so bothered by two people having a heated exchanged, such as you and your ex, or you and your son? He sounds overly sensitive.
Seriously, I think you better give much more thought to the idea of marrying this man. He doesn't sound like such a winner to me.
Thank you for the advice. Sometimes just hearing someone else say it makes the difference. I know what I "should do" I just really don't want to give up on him, ya know.
We have talked about his "reasons." One of them is my son who is 11 years old. I am a single mother who is both parents most of the time and yes, we do "bicker", he doesn't like that we don't always get along... well that is the way it is when you have children especially when they are pre-teen. He isn't sure if he could be a father to my son. Our talk happen the day after me and my ex got into an argument on the phone. My ex husband isn't very responsible when he has my son and my boyfriend had never heard me raise my voice like that. Mind you we have been dating for 3 1/2 years without one single fight. I don't know if that is such a good thing but I would rather resolve things by talking than yelling. I really think those are petty reasons to conclude that you may not want to be married to someone. I have known for a while what I want out of this relationship. I have no doubts or fears. I don't have a problem with giving him more time to make a decision I just don't think that all this time alone will help either. I feel like I have been blown off by him. I really don't understand how one day you can be so sweet to someone and then come off so cold the next day. I have done a lot of thinking about things and our relationship and I didn't see any red flags that this was about to happen. I was totally blind sided. I have been going to see a counselor since this all happened. Yet she just listens and really doesn't give any advice. I really don't know what I should do as far as telling him that if he doesn't want to be with me for now until he is able to make that decision that that's it? I really don't want to lose him. Thanks for your input.
VictorM's advice:
This is much better picture of the situation.
Being a father to someone else's son is not an easy task. It is a common concern for guys. Although he knew it all along, it probably didn't sink in until the marriage talk got more serious. From a guy's point of view, your son will be a reminder of you and your ex having sex (a major problem, I'm sure, for a guy who checks up on you). Plus, your son's father will, in one way or another, be around. I'm sure he's not pleased about that.
Look April, let me be blunt. He's had 3 years to think about this, do you really think he's still thinking about it now or is it more likely that he's preparing an escape? I mean, what nugget of wisdom is he going to find by himself that will make him be OK with your situation and all the obstacles as he sees them? I think you're being purposely naive because deep down, you're dreading the truth.
But is losing this guy really such a loss? I have to ask:
-- Do you want a guy you needs to be dragged into marriage and who needs to think so deeply about it? Shouldn't marriage be something that two people enter into totally voluntarily and eagerly?
-- Do you want a guy who is bothered by your son and who doesn't think he can act like his "father"?
-- Do you want a guy who doesn't trust you and will be checking your whereabouts and make you account for your time? (Trust me, he will!)
-- Do you want a guy who doesn't understand how the relationship between a parent and a child works? And trust me, as your son gets older, things will get tougher. Teenage boys can be much more difficult than pre-teens.
-- Do you want a guy who is so bothered by two people having a heated exchanged, such as you and your ex, or you and your son? He sounds overly sensitive.
Seriously, I think you better give much more thought to the idea of marrying this man. He doesn't sound like such a winner to me.
He likes someone else
ashley, 13, from alma, asks:
I like one of my guy friends but he likes someone else and I wanna go out with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Continue to be his friend. Chances are he won't like the other girl for too long. Young teen boys change who they like almost as often as they get a woody. Just wait your turn; it won't be long.
I like one of my guy friends but he likes someone else and I wanna go out with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Continue to be his friend. Chances are he won't like the other girl for too long. Young teen boys change who they like almost as often as they get a woody. Just wait your turn; it won't be long.
There was a very drunk girl hanging all over him
Sarah, 24, from Denver, asks:
I just got engaged in May. My fiance went out to a party with a male co-worker and there was a very drunk girl hanging all over him. I asked him if he told her he was engaged, he replied that being engaged is not the first thing on his mind. He brought this story up to me, so I know he's being honest, but if guy were to hang on me, he would have a problem with that. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He did nothing wrong. No real guy in his right mind would say anything in a situation like that. If he did he would sound like an idiot and be run out of guyville.
Unless you want to marry a girl, do nothing at all.
Keep moving, folks, there's nothing to see here.
I just got engaged in May. My fiance went out to a party with a male co-worker and there was a very drunk girl hanging all over him. I asked him if he told her he was engaged, he replied that being engaged is not the first thing on his mind. He brought this story up to me, so I know he's being honest, but if guy were to hang on me, he would have a problem with that. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He did nothing wrong. No real guy in his right mind would say anything in a situation like that. If he did he would sound like an idiot and be run out of guyville.
Unless you want to marry a girl, do nothing at all.
Keep moving, folks, there's nothing to see here.
My step mom called the cops and got a restraining order
samantha, 15, from dalhart, asks:
When I was about 14 I started seeing this guy who was 18 and well I felt really attracted to him then my step mom called the cops and got a restraining order on him. Now I moved with my mom and I started seeing him again and that all happened about one year ago and now that I started seeing him I really love him soo much and well about 5 weeks ago I kissed him and umm well he told me he loved me and he never wanted to let me go:) and after the night that we kissed he hasn't talked to me or nothing and it has been 5 weeks:( and well I have been writing him and I even went to his house. I don't know what to do:( I need some help:) so if you can give me some advice that would be great. I miss him soo much and well he is 19 now and I am 15. I know the age is bad but I still miss him and he told me he loves me. Does he mean it???
well thanks for your time :)
samantha
VictorM's advice:
I think it is pretty obvious by now that even if he meant it when he said he loved you, he's no longer in love with you. Whatever the reasons -- and there are so many -- people fall out of love with others. It happens all the time. If he wanted to come back to you, he would have already. And the needier you come across as, the more he wants to ran away from you. So leave him alone now.
Look at the bright side: you have experienced being in love and it feels nice. He's not the only guy in the planet that you can share that feeling with, so start looking at other guys and giving them a chance.
When I was about 14 I started seeing this guy who was 18 and well I felt really attracted to him then my step mom called the cops and got a restraining order on him. Now I moved with my mom and I started seeing him again and that all happened about one year ago and now that I started seeing him I really love him soo much and well about 5 weeks ago I kissed him and umm well he told me he loved me and he never wanted to let me go:) and after the night that we kissed he hasn't talked to me or nothing and it has been 5 weeks:( and well I have been writing him and I even went to his house. I don't know what to do:( I need some help:) so if you can give me some advice that would be great. I miss him soo much and well he is 19 now and I am 15. I know the age is bad but I still miss him and he told me he loves me. Does he mean it???
well thanks for your time :)
samantha
VictorM's advice:
I think it is pretty obvious by now that even if he meant it when he said he loved you, he's no longer in love with you. Whatever the reasons -- and there are so many -- people fall out of love with others. It happens all the time. If he wanted to come back to you, he would have already. And the needier you come across as, the more he wants to ran away from you. So leave him alone now.
Look at the bright side: you have experienced being in love and it feels nice. He's not the only guy in the planet that you can share that feeling with, so start looking at other guys and giving them a chance.
Boyfriend jerking off to pictures of his ex girlfriend
Jess, 21, from New York, asks:
What does it mean when you catch your boyfriend jerking off to pictures of his ex girlfriend giving him oral?
VictorM's answer:
It means he was horny and needed something to look at. Seriously, he's a guy -- that's all it means.
Buy him a Hustler... and get rid of that picture.
What does it mean when you catch your boyfriend jerking off to pictures of his ex girlfriend giving him oral?
VictorM's answer:
It means he was horny and needed something to look at. Seriously, he's a guy -- that's all it means.
Buy him a Hustler... and get rid of that picture.
I wonder if I may just a 'rebound' relationship
Katie, 20, from Georgia, asks:
My question is around my boyfriend and me. My boyfriend dated a girl right before for about a month and a half and even though he says he really should have never dated her, he seemed pretty upset when it happened. We started talking a bit after and went on our first date 3 weeks after they broke up and started dating shortly after that. Sometimes I wonder if I may just a 'rebound' relationship because now we've been dating for almost 6 months (I had to leave for school after about 4 months and we've been long distance for about 2 now-working fine so far and we talk everyday and have seen each other twice), but he never really talks about the future with me or tells me his feelings. He'll tell me he misses me and all that but he told his ex-girlfriend he loved her (even though he admitted it was premature) and he hasn't gotten close to that with me. He also won't come meet my family and I know he spent a lot of time at his ex's house with her family. I asked him once and he thought about it but decided not too (although I did ask him when he was high was not a good idea) but sometimes I just get uneasy thinking that maybe I'm just a rebound he's using but then again, we've been dating for more than double what they dated. He doesn't talk to her anymore at all but I do remember after that first time we had sex he emailed her the next day saying he wanted to try to be friends or at least on talking terms and she told him she wanted him to leave her alone (he assured me that he was just asking her to be friends, nothing more ) but he got really upset by her response and the timing of him writing that email really bothered me too. (And did I mention she's a self-proclaimed lesbian even before they started dating?) I know he hasn't cheated, he's very honest with me and respects me but I guess I'm just not used to his personality because my ex that I dated for 4 years before him always told me he loved me and talked about the future so I just got used to that and now I might be holding my new boyfriend to that standard? Could this be a rebound? How should I handle the situation?
VictorM's advice:
Katie, you make it sound like all people should come out of the same mold and not change based on their life experiences. Your ex was a different guy than your current boyfriend, and your boyfriend's ex is a different girl than you. The chemistry between various people isn't always the same, and most of us make adjustments when we think something went wrong.
I have no idea what he's thinking, but saying I love you before didn't work out so well for him. Seems like he's being more cautious this time around. And in your case, your ex said he loved you and look where that led? Stop expecting behavior that didn't ensure success in the past to be the measure of success now.
You're not a rebound relationship. That term applies after people were in long term relationships. He only saw her for a little over a month. That's nothing, really.
My question is around my boyfriend and me. My boyfriend dated a girl right before for about a month and a half and even though he says he really should have never dated her, he seemed pretty upset when it happened. We started talking a bit after and went on our first date 3 weeks after they broke up and started dating shortly after that. Sometimes I wonder if I may just a 'rebound' relationship because now we've been dating for almost 6 months (I had to leave for school after about 4 months and we've been long distance for about 2 now-working fine so far and we talk everyday and have seen each other twice), but he never really talks about the future with me or tells me his feelings. He'll tell me he misses me and all that but he told his ex-girlfriend he loved her (even though he admitted it was premature) and he hasn't gotten close to that with me. He also won't come meet my family and I know he spent a lot of time at his ex's house with her family. I asked him once and he thought about it but decided not too (although I did ask him when he was high was not a good idea) but sometimes I just get uneasy thinking that maybe I'm just a rebound he's using but then again, we've been dating for more than double what they dated. He doesn't talk to her anymore at all but I do remember after that first time we had sex he emailed her the next day saying he wanted to try to be friends or at least on talking terms and she told him she wanted him to leave her alone (he assured me that he was just asking her to be friends, nothing more ) but he got really upset by her response and the timing of him writing that email really bothered me too. (And did I mention she's a self-proclaimed lesbian even before they started dating?) I know he hasn't cheated, he's very honest with me and respects me but I guess I'm just not used to his personality because my ex that I dated for 4 years before him always told me he loved me and talked about the future so I just got used to that and now I might be holding my new boyfriend to that standard? Could this be a rebound? How should I handle the situation?
VictorM's advice:
Katie, you make it sound like all people should come out of the same mold and not change based on their life experiences. Your ex was a different guy than your current boyfriend, and your boyfriend's ex is a different girl than you. The chemistry between various people isn't always the same, and most of us make adjustments when we think something went wrong.
I have no idea what he's thinking, but saying I love you before didn't work out so well for him. Seems like he's being more cautious this time around. And in your case, your ex said he loved you and look where that led? Stop expecting behavior that didn't ensure success in the past to be the measure of success now.
You're not a rebound relationship. That term applies after people were in long term relationships. He only saw her for a little over a month. That's nothing, really.
A guy I was seeing wrote me this letter
Toni, 30, from Alabama, asks:
A guy I was seeing wrote me this letter to explain his awful behavior... Should I run now?
Not sure where to start so I will just start running at the mouth.......... I think my biggest problem is I don't trust women, which i don't understand at all cause my mom rocks and I have never been "cheated on " that I know of ofcourse... However, I have seen countless women cheat............physcially and mentally........... I have truely one woman and I was a fucking idiot and let her go....I don't regret it cause everything happens for a reason...... I Know that i am capable of "for real" love.... Mattie, when it comes to my heart I am a scared little boy.... I have analized my self endlessly...... Guess, i always jet because I am scared of being left, which is stupid I know.....I have no reason to suspect that anyone would leave me automaticlly, Maybe I am affraid that one wont except all of me...... When I love I love Hard......with everything I got...and it is more important than anything, where we live , money, anything....ya know..." as long as we are together " is all that matters.............I am seriouly that way and I don't know if anyone one else feels that way at my age.. I mean , I got to make so much money and have this and do that , buy this and that ...I don't care about that stuff....As long as I know me and my girl...has each others back no matter what,,thats all that matters to me...I am probably not making any sense cause I am writing whatever comes to mind... I am not a bad man....just affraid of having something and then not having it............."do you really ever know someone" I used to beleive, I have just been jaded by seeing so many people lie to their lovedones....straight up fucking lie to them..............say " I love you honey " and then fuck his buddy and vice versa.....not sayin it just girls I know boys suck... You said you hate dating , me too.............I want a partner, that has my back before anyone's , in every situation no matter what...of course unless I am just stupidly wrong.. I don't know , your a great gal, smart , sexy, silly, stupid in a beautiful way...... We get along great, I think I subconsciencely make things more difficult with us to protect myself..... I guess I just fear giving myself completely and waking up one morning and my girl has just changed her mind......I don't know If I can do that .......I am a big ole pussy.....that loves hard and scared of losing something once I find it again, so why do it to myself when the stats show all odds are agaist me with the rate of divorce and everyone cheating on everyone.......and blah blah blah blah........It makes me so sad.
VictorM's advice:
Except for the "stupid in a beautiful way" comment -- what the hell does that mean? -- I see a guy who is seriously looking into his behavior and admitting to thoughts most guys feel at one point or another. He says he has analyzed himself endlessly; I wish he sought professional help instead. If he was open to that idea, a therapist could do him a lot of good. By himself, he just goes in circles, not making any progress. A good therapist would know how to guide him to resolution of his fears.
It's hard to reach conclusions about whether you should run or not because I don't know what "awful behavior" you're talking about. But it appears that's a moot point anyway -- you already ran away anyway. All I'll say is: Never mind the letter; trust your instincts.
A guy I was seeing wrote me this letter to explain his awful behavior... Should I run now?
Not sure where to start so I will just start running at the mouth.......... I think my biggest problem is I don't trust women, which i don't understand at all cause my mom rocks and I have never been "cheated on " that I know of ofcourse... However, I have seen countless women cheat............physcially and mentally........... I have truely one woman and I was a fucking idiot and let her go....I don't regret it cause everything happens for a reason...... I Know that i am capable of "for real" love.... Mattie, when it comes to my heart I am a scared little boy.... I have analized my self endlessly...... Guess, i always jet because I am scared of being left, which is stupid I know.....I have no reason to suspect that anyone would leave me automaticlly, Maybe I am affraid that one wont except all of me...... When I love I love Hard......with everything I got...and it is more important than anything, where we live , money, anything....ya know..." as long as we are together " is all that matters.............I am seriouly that way and I don't know if anyone one else feels that way at my age.. I mean , I got to make so much money and have this and do that , buy this and that ...I don't care about that stuff....As long as I know me and my girl...has each others back no matter what,,thats all that matters to me...I am probably not making any sense cause I am writing whatever comes to mind... I am not a bad man....just affraid of having something and then not having it............."do you really ever know someone" I used to beleive, I have just been jaded by seeing so many people lie to their lovedones....straight up fucking lie to them..............say " I love you honey " and then fuck his buddy and vice versa.....not sayin it just girls I know boys suck... You said you hate dating , me too.............I want a partner, that has my back before anyone's , in every situation no matter what...of course unless I am just stupidly wrong.. I don't know , your a great gal, smart , sexy, silly, stupid in a beautiful way...... We get along great, I think I subconsciencely make things more difficult with us to protect myself..... I guess I just fear giving myself completely and waking up one morning and my girl has just changed her mind......I don't know If I can do that .......I am a big ole pussy.....that loves hard and scared of losing something once I find it again, so why do it to myself when the stats show all odds are agaist me with the rate of divorce and everyone cheating on everyone.......and blah blah blah blah........It makes me so sad.
VictorM's advice:
Except for the "stupid in a beautiful way" comment -- what the hell does that mean? -- I see a guy who is seriously looking into his behavior and admitting to thoughts most guys feel at one point or another. He says he has analyzed himself endlessly; I wish he sought professional help instead. If he was open to that idea, a therapist could do him a lot of good. By himself, he just goes in circles, not making any progress. A good therapist would know how to guide him to resolution of his fears.
It's hard to reach conclusions about whether you should run or not because I don't know what "awful behavior" you're talking about. But it appears that's a moot point anyway -- you already ran away anyway. All I'll say is: Never mind the letter; trust your instincts.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
He flirted hopelessly with my flatmate
jackie, 20, from london, asks:
Hey, I'm completely confused by this guy.
We met about a month ago and started flirting. I then saw him in one of the local clubs and after an hour long chat he finally asked for my number. Two days later, I invited him to a dinner party at my house after which he flirted hopelessly with my flatmate when we went out. After that night, I was sure he was not interested. A week later, he called to find out my going out plans for the week. Coincidentally, we were going to the same club the following Monday, and as I had never been there before, asked for his opinion on the place. His friends ended up pulling out and he joined my friends and me. We slept together that night, and he was very sentimental the following morning, even demanding a good-bye kiss as well as promising to call. Again coincidentally, we ended up at the same club where he showered me with compliments. I had to speak to a friend, but promised to find him later, but the conversation I was having lasted an hour and when I looked, I couldn't find him. I called him that weekend after which he said he'd see me after two weeks as he was really busy (pretty shocking, considering we live three streets away). Now, he wants to meet for lunch! help! What's going on?
VictorM's answer:
He likes you enough to fit you in when his schedule allows, but not enough to alter his schedule to accommodate you. At least not yet.
Hey, I'm completely confused by this guy.
We met about a month ago and started flirting. I then saw him in one of the local clubs and after an hour long chat he finally asked for my number. Two days later, I invited him to a dinner party at my house after which he flirted hopelessly with my flatmate when we went out. After that night, I was sure he was not interested. A week later, he called to find out my going out plans for the week. Coincidentally, we were going to the same club the following Monday, and as I had never been there before, asked for his opinion on the place. His friends ended up pulling out and he joined my friends and me. We slept together that night, and he was very sentimental the following morning, even demanding a good-bye kiss as well as promising to call. Again coincidentally, we ended up at the same club where he showered me with compliments. I had to speak to a friend, but promised to find him later, but the conversation I was having lasted an hour and when I looked, I couldn't find him. I called him that weekend after which he said he'd see me after two weeks as he was really busy (pretty shocking, considering we live three streets away). Now, he wants to meet for lunch! help! What's going on?
VictorM's answer:
He likes you enough to fit you in when his schedule allows, but not enough to alter his schedule to accommodate you. At least not yet.
Like, is there a reason for the way he's acting?
Lyra, 14, asks:
A few months ago, at the beginning of September, the week before school started, I was talking with this boy, let's call him John. John came to my school a year ago so I've known him for about a year now. When I first met him a year ago, we talked together on msn pretty often, and we even danced together twice at dances (friends set us up). So when we talked together on msn, there was this one time when on my display name I said that my head hurt. He asked about it and stuff and then the next day he asked if my head was better.
Also, another day (around the same time the latter happened) he had his webcam on. All of a sudden he seemed sorta mad and was screaming at it, it wasn't until after I asked about it that he explained he was having a swearing contest with his friend. Afterwards, he said he felt stupid and when I asked why, he said it was because he was acting like an idiot and I saw. Anyways, as the year went by, he spoke less and less to me on msn and besides that, we never once spoke together at school. Whenever we passed or something, he'd never say anything or look at me. This happened even when we would talk for hours on msn.
Anyways, back to my first sentence(xD) the week before school started in September, I started a convo with him on msn. When we both didn't say anything for a while, I said "sooo..." and he said that he got a haircut. So we talked about haircuts for a bit when we got to the topic of grad pics(from grade 8) and he sent me his grad pic (saying it was the ONLY good pic of him) and asked for mine. I couldn't give him mine at that moment because I didn't have it on my computer or anything so I promised him that next time we spoke, I would send him a picture of myself. Later during the convo, when neither of us said anything for a while and I thought the convo to be dead, when he said he needed to shave and asked if that was random.
The next time we spoke, I didn't mention the pictures i was supposed to send him and neither did he, so I assumed he had forgot. But the next day when I asked him about it while I was at my friend's house, he said he didn't forget. And while I was thinking for a few minutes of what to say, he said "send them plz", but since I was at my friend's, I couldn't.
Anyways, I did finally send him a pic (of course I accidentally sent the wrong one). So when school started this year(first year of high school) whenever he passed he looked at me. But after that first day, he acted as if I didn't exist, JUST like he did the year before! But now I got blonde highlights and I see him glance at me ALL the time! Like whenever we pass or something (but I act like I don't see him, I just notice him looking at me from the corner of my eye). The other day when I sat next to him for one of our classes I couldn't get the computer to turn on, so I started pressing the 'on' button super fast over and over again. I noticed he was smirking (sorta laughing to himself) at what I was doing, but he didn't look at me or say anything.
Then, when these other girls came into the class, he went over to sit with them (he always talks to them, but I know he doesn't like them as more than friends). They asked him: "Do you even like girls John?" and I couldn't hear what he said, but it must've been something like "Yeah, I like one" because then they started asking who it was and when he wouldn't tell them, they asked for the first letter of her name, but he refused to give that away as well.
So, I was wondering, does he like me? And if he does, why is he so... well, shy? Like, is there a reason for the way he's acting?
VictorM's answer:
Wow Lyra, I bet it's never quiet when you're around. :)
If he said he liked one girl, I don't think he meant you. But I bet he thinks you look good with highlights.
A few months ago, at the beginning of September, the week before school started, I was talking with this boy, let's call him John. John came to my school a year ago so I've known him for about a year now. When I first met him a year ago, we talked together on msn pretty often, and we even danced together twice at dances (friends set us up). So when we talked together on msn, there was this one time when on my display name I said that my head hurt. He asked about it and stuff and then the next day he asked if my head was better.
Also, another day (around the same time the latter happened) he had his webcam on. All of a sudden he seemed sorta mad and was screaming at it, it wasn't until after I asked about it that he explained he was having a swearing contest with his friend. Afterwards, he said he felt stupid and when I asked why, he said it was because he was acting like an idiot and I saw. Anyways, as the year went by, he spoke less and less to me on msn and besides that, we never once spoke together at school. Whenever we passed or something, he'd never say anything or look at me. This happened even when we would talk for hours on msn.
Anyways, back to my first sentence(xD) the week before school started in September, I started a convo with him on msn. When we both didn't say anything for a while, I said "sooo..." and he said that he got a haircut. So we talked about haircuts for a bit when we got to the topic of grad pics(from grade 8) and he sent me his grad pic (saying it was the ONLY good pic of him) and asked for mine. I couldn't give him mine at that moment because I didn't have it on my computer or anything so I promised him that next time we spoke, I would send him a picture of myself. Later during the convo, when neither of us said anything for a while and I thought the convo to be dead, when he said he needed to shave and asked if that was random.
The next time we spoke, I didn't mention the pictures i was supposed to send him and neither did he, so I assumed he had forgot. But the next day when I asked him about it while I was at my friend's house, he said he didn't forget. And while I was thinking for a few minutes of what to say, he said "send them plz", but since I was at my friend's, I couldn't.
Anyways, I did finally send him a pic (of course I accidentally sent the wrong one). So when school started this year(first year of high school) whenever he passed he looked at me. But after that first day, he acted as if I didn't exist, JUST like he did the year before! But now I got blonde highlights and I see him glance at me ALL the time! Like whenever we pass or something (but I act like I don't see him, I just notice him looking at me from the corner of my eye). The other day when I sat next to him for one of our classes I couldn't get the computer to turn on, so I started pressing the 'on' button super fast over and over again. I noticed he was smirking (sorta laughing to himself) at what I was doing, but he didn't look at me or say anything.
Then, when these other girls came into the class, he went over to sit with them (he always talks to them, but I know he doesn't like them as more than friends). They asked him: "Do you even like girls John?" and I couldn't hear what he said, but it must've been something like "Yeah, I like one" because then they started asking who it was and when he wouldn't tell them, they asked for the first letter of her name, but he refused to give that away as well.
So, I was wondering, does he like me? And if he does, why is he so... well, shy? Like, is there a reason for the way he's acting?
VictorM's answer:
Wow Lyra, I bet it's never quiet when you're around. :)
If he said he liked one girl, I don't think he meant you. But I bet he thinks you look good with highlights.
I do not want to get rid of the cute friend
K., 17, asks:
I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for about a month. Before we were "official" I got really mad at him because he wanted to go hang out with his ex, and he ended up not going. I ended up hanging out with one of my friends, and his cute friend. His cute friend kissed me at the end of the night. My boyfriend and I became official, and the cute friend doesn't know I even have a boyfriend. I don't know which one I like. I am intimate with my boyfriend, but he doesn't do little things to make me happy. He hates the phone, therefore we only text. The cute friend on the other hand, always calls and talks to me, offers to go out to dinner all the time, and he likes to go to different places. My boyfriend doesn't. My boyfriend also talks to his ex and hangs out with her, and I don't trust her at all.
I want to have my boyfriend around because I do have feelings for him, but I do not want to get rid of the cute friend. I see myself with him in the future and I don't want him to stop talking to me if he finds out I have a boyfriend. Should I keep talking to him? Should I let him know I have a boyfriend? I am also afraid that my boyfriend or one of his friends might see us... if only my boyfriend can put in a little more effort into our relationship... but I don't know how to get him to do that. He's the type that gets mad at me for "complaining" and just ignores it. Please Help.
VictorM's advice:
Did you go to the George Bush school of resolving problems? Boy, your thought process is amazingly flawed.
Let me get this straight... you don't want the cute guy to find out you have a boyfriend because you see yourself with him in the future, and so you're going to hold on to the asshole you currently call your boyfriend, even if that jeopardizes your chances with your future guy?
You say you wish mister asshole put more effort into your relationship. Now, let me ask you, why should he put any more effort in the relationship? He's not doing it and you're still with him. He's telling you to stop "complaining" and like a little lamb, you're doing it, supposedly because you're afraid to lose the guy you don't have a future with. Seriously, K, reread your own question. I don't mean to be rude, but you make no sense.
Look, if you're not going to do the smart thing (dump your loser boyfriend because you "have feelings for him"), than do the right thing and be straight with cute guy. And yes, I hope you lose him -- he sounds like the type of guy who deserves better.
I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for about a month. Before we were "official" I got really mad at him because he wanted to go hang out with his ex, and he ended up not going. I ended up hanging out with one of my friends, and his cute friend. His cute friend kissed me at the end of the night. My boyfriend and I became official, and the cute friend doesn't know I even have a boyfriend. I don't know which one I like. I am intimate with my boyfriend, but he doesn't do little things to make me happy. He hates the phone, therefore we only text. The cute friend on the other hand, always calls and talks to me, offers to go out to dinner all the time, and he likes to go to different places. My boyfriend doesn't. My boyfriend also talks to his ex and hangs out with her, and I don't trust her at all.
I want to have my boyfriend around because I do have feelings for him, but I do not want to get rid of the cute friend. I see myself with him in the future and I don't want him to stop talking to me if he finds out I have a boyfriend. Should I keep talking to him? Should I let him know I have a boyfriend? I am also afraid that my boyfriend or one of his friends might see us... if only my boyfriend can put in a little more effort into our relationship... but I don't know how to get him to do that. He's the type that gets mad at me for "complaining" and just ignores it. Please Help.
VictorM's advice:
Did you go to the George Bush school of resolving problems? Boy, your thought process is amazingly flawed.
Let me get this straight... you don't want the cute guy to find out you have a boyfriend because you see yourself with him in the future, and so you're going to hold on to the asshole you currently call your boyfriend, even if that jeopardizes your chances with your future guy?
You say you wish mister asshole put more effort into your relationship. Now, let me ask you, why should he put any more effort in the relationship? He's not doing it and you're still with him. He's telling you to stop "complaining" and like a little lamb, you're doing it, supposedly because you're afraid to lose the guy you don't have a future with. Seriously, K, reread your own question. I don't mean to be rude, but you make no sense.
Look, if you're not going to do the smart thing (dump your loser boyfriend because you "have feelings for him"), than do the right thing and be straight with cute guy. And yes, I hope you lose him -- he sounds like the type of guy who deserves better.
He calls me his girlfriend to some people
Lizzy, 17, from Florida, asks:
Well, there is this guy, we have been talking for a while I guess but like we tell each other we love each other and I mean it and I think he means it too... but like, when people ask if we are going out he says he doesn't know or that we don't talk about it... but then he calls me his girlfriend to some people.... I'm so confused on what to think. What do you think we are? And is this bad or good?
VictorM's answer:
I think you're boyfriend and girlfriend and I think he thinks so too.
Maybe he tells people who are just being nosy that he doesn't know what you are (his way of saying "none of your business"), but to others he answers truthfully. If I'm right, I don't see anything bad about the way he answers that question but it would be a good thing for you to remove the doubt and ask him the same question you posed here.
Well, there is this guy, we have been talking for a while I guess but like we tell each other we love each other and I mean it and I think he means it too... but like, when people ask if we are going out he says he doesn't know or that we don't talk about it... but then he calls me his girlfriend to some people.... I'm so confused on what to think. What do you think we are? And is this bad or good?
VictorM's answer:
I think you're boyfriend and girlfriend and I think he thinks so too.
Maybe he tells people who are just being nosy that he doesn't know what you are (his way of saying "none of your business"), but to others he answers truthfully. If I'm right, I don't see anything bad about the way he answers that question but it would be a good thing for you to remove the doubt and ask him the same question you posed here.
He always stays beside me in class
Anna, 17, from Japan, asks:
There is a guy from class who has been so friendly to me since day one. He always smiles at me and greets me at moments we catch each other. Lately, I noticed that he always stays beside me in class. There was a time when he approached me in the library when I was alone and accompanied me until my friend came. The guy is very caring like he doesn't want me to get wet during a rainy day.
When the two of us are together, he seems really quiet but he responds to my questions with full interest. I noticed that he is always busy texting some person on his cellphone. There are also accounts of awkward silence but I cut it by asking him more questions. He seems nervous when he's around me. How could this be?
VictorM's advice:
He likes you and he's shy. That's how that can be.
Give him time. His behavior can change around you as he gains more trust in you.
There is a guy from class who has been so friendly to me since day one. He always smiles at me and greets me at moments we catch each other. Lately, I noticed that he always stays beside me in class. There was a time when he approached me in the library when I was alone and accompanied me until my friend came. The guy is very caring like he doesn't want me to get wet during a rainy day.
When the two of us are together, he seems really quiet but he responds to my questions with full interest. I noticed that he is always busy texting some person on his cellphone. There are also accounts of awkward silence but I cut it by asking him more questions. He seems nervous when he's around me. How could this be?
VictorM's advice:
He likes you and he's shy. That's how that can be.
Give him time. His behavior can change around you as he gains more trust in you.
The end of what was a great relationship
April, 31, from Texas, asks:
I have been dating this guy for the past 3 1/2 years. He came to me about a month 1/2 ago and told me that he needed some time to think about things and to figure out what he wanted. On our 2 year anniversary he gave me an engagement ring and told me that if was a "gift" yet clearly it was a solitaire diamond ring that he wanted me to wear on my ring finger. I wore it and then I started to feel like where is our relationship going when nothing happened after our 3rd year together. I am a very patient woman, yet I did leave little hints here and there about us getting married. He told me that I was pressuring him too much about marriage and that he needed some time to think about things and make a decision.
I feel as if this is the end of what was a great relationship. I really miss him a lot and feel that to some degree I took advantage of him being so good to me. We never fought, yet we lacked some communication or I would have known how he felt. He is 35 years old and has never been married. I have been divorced for 5 years now and have an 11 year old son. He has been in several long term relationships and he has told me that his ex's cheated on him. I have not ever cheated on him or break the trust of him thinking that. Even with the past month 1/2 I have stayed faithful to him. I don't know how much longer I can stand being in limbo. I have done the best to give him his space, with just speaking to him maybe once a week or two weeks. I also have caught him driving by my house late at night.
I really don't know what to think.... yet he still tells me he loves me and that there is noone else. This is the only man in my life that I have ever completely trusted. Please let me know what you think of my situation.... Thanks :-)
VictorM's advice:
The good side of the story is that this guy probably thinks marriage is for keeps. Due to this view and to his past experiences with women cheating on him, making that final push from long-term relationship to marriage is very difficult for him.
Trust is the main issue, which explains him driving by your house at night (he's checking up on you). It's nearly impossible for a guy who has been cheated to not transfer distrust to the new woman, even when her behavior is impeccable. I'm sure he felt that previous relationships were impeccable too until he found out they were cheating.
OK, so he's not ready to get married due to mistrust. Is that it, or are there other reasons? You need to know. He needs to be truthful about his true reasons and you need to deal with it and maybe cease the marriage talk until those issues are worked out, together, as a couple. Otherwise, you're really just wasting your time while he's out there looking at the ceiling and not taking one step forward to solve anything. He's not the only one with needs and you must tell him that. You can't and shouldn't hang around waiting for him.
You have to decide if living with a guy who'll question your every move is going to be worth it, but first and foremost, you need to get off being in limbo. Rightly, you admit that your level of communication has been faulty. It gets even more so if you're not even talking. I mean, really, what is he going to accomplish with the space he's getting? Nothing! You should end this "giving him space" crap. Couples need to talk to each other to solve their problems.
I have been dating this guy for the past 3 1/2 years. He came to me about a month 1/2 ago and told me that he needed some time to think about things and to figure out what he wanted. On our 2 year anniversary he gave me an engagement ring and told me that if was a "gift" yet clearly it was a solitaire diamond ring that he wanted me to wear on my ring finger. I wore it and then I started to feel like where is our relationship going when nothing happened after our 3rd year together. I am a very patient woman, yet I did leave little hints here and there about us getting married. He told me that I was pressuring him too much about marriage and that he needed some time to think about things and make a decision.
I feel as if this is the end of what was a great relationship. I really miss him a lot and feel that to some degree I took advantage of him being so good to me. We never fought, yet we lacked some communication or I would have known how he felt. He is 35 years old and has never been married. I have been divorced for 5 years now and have an 11 year old son. He has been in several long term relationships and he has told me that his ex's cheated on him. I have not ever cheated on him or break the trust of him thinking that. Even with the past month 1/2 I have stayed faithful to him. I don't know how much longer I can stand being in limbo. I have done the best to give him his space, with just speaking to him maybe once a week or two weeks. I also have caught him driving by my house late at night.
I really don't know what to think.... yet he still tells me he loves me and that there is noone else. This is the only man in my life that I have ever completely trusted. Please let me know what you think of my situation.... Thanks :-)
VictorM's advice:
The good side of the story is that this guy probably thinks marriage is for keeps. Due to this view and to his past experiences with women cheating on him, making that final push from long-term relationship to marriage is very difficult for him.
Trust is the main issue, which explains him driving by your house at night (he's checking up on you). It's nearly impossible for a guy who has been cheated to not transfer distrust to the new woman, even when her behavior is impeccable. I'm sure he felt that previous relationships were impeccable too until he found out they were cheating.
OK, so he's not ready to get married due to mistrust. Is that it, or are there other reasons? You need to know. He needs to be truthful about his true reasons and you need to deal with it and maybe cease the marriage talk until those issues are worked out, together, as a couple. Otherwise, you're really just wasting your time while he's out there looking at the ceiling and not taking one step forward to solve anything. He's not the only one with needs and you must tell him that. You can't and shouldn't hang around waiting for him.
You have to decide if living with a guy who'll question your every move is going to be worth it, but first and foremost, you need to get off being in limbo. Rightly, you admit that your level of communication has been faulty. It gets even more so if you're not even talking. I mean, really, what is he going to accomplish with the space he's getting? Nothing! You should end this "giving him space" crap. Couples need to talk to each other to solve their problems.
I have no idea where this guy stands
Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach, asks:
OK, I'm officially confused. I have no idea where this guy stands. He knows I like him and has chosen not to do anything. Why is that? He acts one way but then I find out he's saying "no I don't like her like that" and so on. My friends say I should give it up. Now what is the best way to move on? I don't know whether to just forget him completely, quit walking with him, going to his house and so on or just be the way i've been, chummy, going to his house and so on. Let me know
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Well, he likes you but not "like that." I think that's clear enough.
You don't have to give up, but being "chummy" is not going to get him interested "like that" in you . Stay friendly with him but meet other boys.
You never know, this guy could still start liking you "like that". Boys around your age can be very fickle. Just don't sit around waiting for it to happen.
OK, I'm officially confused. I have no idea where this guy stands. He knows I like him and has chosen not to do anything. Why is that? He acts one way but then I find out he's saying "no I don't like her like that" and so on. My friends say I should give it up. Now what is the best way to move on? I don't know whether to just forget him completely, quit walking with him, going to his house and so on or just be the way i've been, chummy, going to his house and so on. Let me know
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Well, he likes you but not "like that." I think that's clear enough.
You don't have to give up, but being "chummy" is not going to get him interested "like that" in you . Stay friendly with him but meet other boys.
You never know, this guy could still start liking you "like that". Boys around your age can be very fickle. Just don't sit around waiting for it to happen.
He swears nothing is going on with this other girl
Sarah, 19, from Canada, asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and for the past year his cousin and his cousin's friend have been living in his house (they are both girls). Now the cousin is moving out and my boyfriend isn't making the other girl leave. He has stopped taking me out places and I haven't been invited over to his parent's house in forever (which used to happen all the time). He barely calls me and wants more time to himself. He swears nothing is going on with this other girl, but nights that my boyfriend and I don't hang out she is right there to be with him, and when she is, he won't answer his phone. I've talked to her but she swears nothing is going on either. But then I find out they go shopping together and he lets her pick out clothes for him. Then I find out he asks to use her car instead of driving his own... I don't get it. His he into this girl ? If so why does he keep telling me there's nothing going on and that he still wants to be with me, but then does all this stuff when he knows that it will make me upset? I've tried to talk to him and tell him that it's inapropriate for a single girl and a non-single guy to be living together (because that is how I was raised) but he just won't listen. Is he trying to hurt me? Make me jealous? Make me break up with him? I just don't like feeling like I'm coming second to this other girl! What does he mean by doing the things he's doing??
VictorM's advice:
He's doing one of two thing, neither one bodes well for you: 1) he's trying to have his cake and eat it too (enjoying her and still keeping you; or 2) he wants you to be the one to break-up with him.
1) It is possible that "nothing is going on" yet, meaning no sex. But it is entirely possible, likely even, that he is smitten by her to the point that he is excluding you. Asking them if anything is going on is silly because they would have lied anyway. Besides, it could all be a technicality, a la "I never had sexual relations with that woman, Ms Lewisnky." This statement was correct if you define "sexual relations" as more than "just oral sex." The mere fact that he's in position he has to be denying it speaks volumes about his intentions.
2) Lots of guys hate breaking up with girls. They hate making them cry and as a result, feeling like the bad guys. But if the girl breaks up with them, oh well... they can walk away without guilt. So they give the girl reasons to break-up with them.
You don't have to know if there's something going on between them or not; you know he's become indifferent to your feelings, and that's more than reason enough to break-up with him.
By the way, for whatever it's worth, I think he's full of shit and is lying to you. A guy doesn't do all those things with a girl without having some kind of ulterior motive. And unless she's an idiot, she's going along knowing it's a problem for your relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and for the past year his cousin and his cousin's friend have been living in his house (they are both girls). Now the cousin is moving out and my boyfriend isn't making the other girl leave. He has stopped taking me out places and I haven't been invited over to his parent's house in forever (which used to happen all the time). He barely calls me and wants more time to himself. He swears nothing is going on with this other girl, but nights that my boyfriend and I don't hang out she is right there to be with him, and when she is, he won't answer his phone. I've talked to her but she swears nothing is going on either. But then I find out they go shopping together and he lets her pick out clothes for him. Then I find out he asks to use her car instead of driving his own... I don't get it. His he into this girl ? If so why does he keep telling me there's nothing going on and that he still wants to be with me, but then does all this stuff when he knows that it will make me upset? I've tried to talk to him and tell him that it's inapropriate for a single girl and a non-single guy to be living together (because that is how I was raised) but he just won't listen. Is he trying to hurt me? Make me jealous? Make me break up with him? I just don't like feeling like I'm coming second to this other girl! What does he mean by doing the things he's doing??
VictorM's advice:
He's doing one of two thing, neither one bodes well for you: 1) he's trying to have his cake and eat it too (enjoying her and still keeping you; or 2) he wants you to be the one to break-up with him.
1) It is possible that "nothing is going on" yet, meaning no sex. But it is entirely possible, likely even, that he is smitten by her to the point that he is excluding you. Asking them if anything is going on is silly because they would have lied anyway. Besides, it could all be a technicality, a la "I never had sexual relations with that woman, Ms Lewisnky." This statement was correct if you define "sexual relations" as more than "just oral sex." The mere fact that he's in position he has to be denying it speaks volumes about his intentions.
2) Lots of guys hate breaking up with girls. They hate making them cry and as a result, feeling like the bad guys. But if the girl breaks up with them, oh well... they can walk away without guilt. So they give the girl reasons to break-up with them.
You don't have to know if there's something going on between them or not; you know he's become indifferent to your feelings, and that's more than reason enough to break-up with him.
By the way, for whatever it's worth, I think he's full of shit and is lying to you. A guy doesn't do all those things with a girl without having some kind of ulterior motive. And unless she's an idiot, she's going along knowing it's a problem for your relationship.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Started to not feel right
Alexa, 18, from silver spring, MD, asks:
My question is for my cousin. She is having a hard time figuring this out. OK, there is this guy she went out with him for awhile but then started to not feel right (it was an internet dating thing) and well she broke up with him. He was really attached to her, he really loved her, he kept obsessing about her, which is probably one of the reasons she broke up with him. So then he finds a new girl and he's clearly rubbing it in her face ( it's REALLY obvious) but she keeps on getting texts from him saying: "I love you sooo much baby" and so after a while she stops looking at the negatives about him and sees a really great guy. The thing is he won't give her the time of day to talk to him. What should my cousin do? Please, I'm really worried about her, she has been acting all wierd and I wanna help. Please, what can she do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by "she has been acting all weird" but if your question is what can she do to get him back, I would say nothing.
You can help by listening to her, taking her to fun activities, but don't bother pointing out what a jerk he is, that won't help.
My question is for my cousin. She is having a hard time figuring this out. OK, there is this guy she went out with him for awhile but then started to not feel right (it was an internet dating thing) and well she broke up with him. He was really attached to her, he really loved her, he kept obsessing about her, which is probably one of the reasons she broke up with him. So then he finds a new girl and he's clearly rubbing it in her face ( it's REALLY obvious) but she keeps on getting texts from him saying: "I love you sooo much baby" and so after a while she stops looking at the negatives about him and sees a really great guy. The thing is he won't give her the time of day to talk to him. What should my cousin do? Please, I'm really worried about her, she has been acting all wierd and I wanna help. Please, what can she do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by "she has been acting all weird" but if your question is what can she do to get him back, I would say nothing.
You can help by listening to her, taking her to fun activities, but don't bother pointing out what a jerk he is, that won't help.
Things turned out to be quite unexpected
Kristine, 18, from New York, asks:
Hi I asked about you about my relationship with this guy a few month ago and things turned out to be quite unexpected. Just recently we have become very, very close, and for a moment there I thought we might really be dating soon. But yesterday he called me, and apparently he still misses his ex and he wants to get back together with her. I was so shocked to hear it, and it hurts me so much to know that he is still in love with his ex. I don't know what to do know anymore. I think he is telling me all these because he thinks of me as a good friend, but how should I be there for him when I'm hurting too? I understand he probably still feels for his ex, since they've been together for 1 and a half year and just broke up two months ago. But what should I do now? I don't want to tell him that I like him, he already has enough problems... and he doesn't seem to know either!! I can't believe he STILL thinks we're "good friends" even after we've held hands and see each other every weekend. What is he thinking exactly? What should I do now? I feel terrible right now :(
VictorM's advice:
He won't be any good to you until and unless he goes back to his girlfriend and gets her out of his system. If you're going to have any chance with him, it will be after he tries her again and that fails. So it's in your best interest to encourage him to get back together with her "to remove that doubt". Say it like that. Don't say you wish that things work out between them because that would be a lie and you'd be sending the wrong message.
The odds that they will make things work out are very slim. So don't give up. Continue to be nice to him.
Hi I asked about you about my relationship with this guy a few month ago and things turned out to be quite unexpected. Just recently we have become very, very close, and for a moment there I thought we might really be dating soon. But yesterday he called me, and apparently he still misses his ex and he wants to get back together with her. I was so shocked to hear it, and it hurts me so much to know that he is still in love with his ex. I don't know what to do know anymore. I think he is telling me all these because he thinks of me as a good friend, but how should I be there for him when I'm hurting too? I understand he probably still feels for his ex, since they've been together for 1 and a half year and just broke up two months ago. But what should I do now? I don't want to tell him that I like him, he already has enough problems... and he doesn't seem to know either!! I can't believe he STILL thinks we're "good friends" even after we've held hands and see each other every weekend. What is he thinking exactly? What should I do now? I feel terrible right now :(
VictorM's advice:
He won't be any good to you until and unless he goes back to his girlfriend and gets her out of his system. If you're going to have any chance with him, it will be after he tries her again and that fails. So it's in your best interest to encourage him to get back together with her "to remove that doubt". Say it like that. Don't say you wish that things work out between them because that would be a lie and you'd be sending the wrong message.
The odds that they will make things work out are very slim. So don't give up. Continue to be nice to him.
How can I stop blushing?
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Hey VictorM, long time no speak. I don’t know if you’ll be able to help me with this one, but it IS worth a shot. Whenever this good guy friend of mine comes around to hang out with my girlfriends and me, I find myself blushing A LOT. I really do NOT like him as more than a friend, but apparently I get this look on my face that my girlfriends know from past experiences means I really like a guy. I guess I look really red and like I’m trying not to smile, but failing, so my smile comes out as this sly smirk. It’s so embarrassing because then my friends start to laugh and I get really uncomfortable and then I REALLY blush. Tonight, and from now on every other Monday night, I have to spend an hour at my guy friend’s house with my friends AND his friends for religious education, and I’m really not looking forward to it, because his friends will notice me blushing and that would be bad. How can I stop blushing???
VictorM's advice:
"According to researchers, people who blush excessively have unrealistic expectations of how they should behave in social situations. They fear that even a small mistake will be mocked by others, so they become unnecessarily anxious and start to blush. In comparison, babies and small children who have yet to develop these feelings about social interactions do not blush at all."
I did a search on "stop blushing" and saw all kinds of websites pushing all kinds of gimmicks, from hypnosis, Cognitive behavioral therapy, and even surgery. They all sounded like nonsense, but feel free to google it yourself.
I say, why worry about blushing? I'm sure your friends laugh because you look adorable, not because you look dumb. It's an endearing quality about you. Yeah, it also means you worry too much about too many things, but... so what? You wouldn't be adorable Kate if you didn't worry so much. It's not like you can help it easily.
Oh boy, I just realized I'm asking you to stop worrying about being a worrier. *bangs head*
Religious education, huh? Just say you're blushing for the Lord. :-p
Hey VictorM, long time no speak. I don’t know if you’ll be able to help me with this one, but it IS worth a shot. Whenever this good guy friend of mine comes around to hang out with my girlfriends and me, I find myself blushing A LOT. I really do NOT like him as more than a friend, but apparently I get this look on my face that my girlfriends know from past experiences means I really like a guy. I guess I look really red and like I’m trying not to smile, but failing, so my smile comes out as this sly smirk. It’s so embarrassing because then my friends start to laugh and I get really uncomfortable and then I REALLY blush. Tonight, and from now on every other Monday night, I have to spend an hour at my guy friend’s house with my friends AND his friends for religious education, and I’m really not looking forward to it, because his friends will notice me blushing and that would be bad. How can I stop blushing???
VictorM's advice:
"According to researchers, people who blush excessively have unrealistic expectations of how they should behave in social situations. They fear that even a small mistake will be mocked by others, so they become unnecessarily anxious and start to blush. In comparison, babies and small children who have yet to develop these feelings about social interactions do not blush at all."
I did a search on "stop blushing" and saw all kinds of websites pushing all kinds of gimmicks, from hypnosis, Cognitive behavioral therapy, and even surgery. They all sounded like nonsense, but feel free to google it yourself.
I say, why worry about blushing? I'm sure your friends laugh because you look adorable, not because you look dumb. It's an endearing quality about you. Yeah, it also means you worry too much about too many things, but... so what? You wouldn't be adorable Kate if you didn't worry so much. It's not like you can help it easily.
Oh boy, I just realized I'm asking you to stop worrying about being a worrier. *bangs head*
Religious education, huh? Just say you're blushing for the Lord. :-p
Why is my guy so shy?
martha, 24, from georgia, asks:
Why is my guy so shy? I'll tell him things openly and in confidence but he won't tell me anything! HELP!!
VictorM's answer:
Just because you like to tell things doesn't mean he has to like it as well. It's not as if he asks you about your feelings and then refuses to tell you the same things, right? You talk because you like doing it. He, on the other hand, is doing what he likes doing, which is keeping things to himself.
Most guys are notorious for not sharing their feelings too well, or at all. It's a guy thing. Just like you probably will never change spark plugs or the break pads. We can't be all things to everyone.
Maybe you just don't ask the right questions at the right time. It's a girl thing. :)
Why is my guy so shy? I'll tell him things openly and in confidence but he won't tell me anything! HELP!!
VictorM's answer:
Just because you like to tell things doesn't mean he has to like it as well. It's not as if he asks you about your feelings and then refuses to tell you the same things, right? You talk because you like doing it. He, on the other hand, is doing what he likes doing, which is keeping things to himself.
Most guys are notorious for not sharing their feelings too well, or at all. It's a guy thing. Just like you probably will never change spark plugs or the break pads. We can't be all things to everyone.
Maybe you just don't ask the right questions at the right time. It's a girl thing. :)
He has asked me how I feel about kids and marriage
Sharon, 30, from New Hampshire, asks:
After work sometimes a bunch of us will get together for Happy Hour. There is this one guy that I work with that always sits next to me and we talk. On several occasions he has asked me how I feel about kids and marriage. Why would someone ask you this if you aren't even close friends or dating?
VictorM's advice:
Stupidity? Curiosity? Trying you out for size? Small talk? Running out of other topics? Etc.
Come on, what's the big deal? Sounds just like one of thousands of topics any two people could talk about, specially after a drink or two. Start worrying when he asks if you like your toes sucked or how tight you like the clamps on your nipples.
After work sometimes a bunch of us will get together for Happy Hour. There is this one guy that I work with that always sits next to me and we talk. On several occasions he has asked me how I feel about kids and marriage. Why would someone ask you this if you aren't even close friends or dating?
VictorM's advice:
Stupidity? Curiosity? Trying you out for size? Small talk? Running out of other topics? Etc.
Come on, what's the big deal? Sounds just like one of thousands of topics any two people could talk about, specially after a drink or two. Start worrying when he asks if you like your toes sucked or how tight you like the clamps on your nipples.
He recently told me he is a virgin by choice
Ashley, 19, from Georgia, asks:
So I really like this guy, and he recently told me he is a virgin by choice. I am not a virgin. I have had sex with 3 guys. It's not like I am a whore, I have just had serious relationships in my past. I was quiet when he said this so he knows I'm not one. He still calls me all the time, so I guess he is still interested, but I just can't get over the fact that I am more experienced them him. I don't judge, but I am scared he judges me. Do guys really care about how experienced or inexperienced you are? Do you think he thinks bad of me?
VictorM's advice:
Assholes worry about that stuff; real guys, not so much. I don't know which type he is.
You're worrying about nothing anyway. It's not like it's something you can change. Besides, how much of a nice guy would he think he is if he thought bad of you for that reason?
You know, allowing others to define your self-worth is a bad habit. Quit it right now, right here!
So I really like this guy, and he recently told me he is a virgin by choice. I am not a virgin. I have had sex with 3 guys. It's not like I am a whore, I have just had serious relationships in my past. I was quiet when he said this so he knows I'm not one. He still calls me all the time, so I guess he is still interested, but I just can't get over the fact that I am more experienced them him. I don't judge, but I am scared he judges me. Do guys really care about how experienced or inexperienced you are? Do you think he thinks bad of me?
VictorM's advice:
Assholes worry about that stuff; real guys, not so much. I don't know which type he is.
You're worrying about nothing anyway. It's not like it's something you can change. Besides, how much of a nice guy would he think he is if he thought bad of you for that reason?
You know, allowing others to define your self-worth is a bad habit. Quit it right now, right here!
He's not boyfriend material
lindsey, 23, from glasgow, asks:
I've been seeing this guy for 2 months now, it's just casual sex every week as we hang about in a big group of girls and guys. He's not boyfriend material as he's a bit of a player, it's hard to not like him and just keep it as a fling but I'm trying as it's not what I want just now. But his friend has made it clear he likes me and texts me all the time whereas the other just texts to 'meet up'. I guess it all depends what I want but doesn't it bother guys I'm already sleeping with his pal? The nice guy is definitely boyfriend material but I'm just not sure what I want. hmmm. What do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what the second guy is thinking but I hope he realizes that you're not girlfriend material, but what the heck, you're easy, a girl who fucks a player purely for the sake of fucking, so he might as well get in the action.
I suggest you stop being a pot calling the kettle black. You're no more relationship material than the guy you're having sex with, based on your own criteria.
I've been seeing this guy for 2 months now, it's just casual sex every week as we hang about in a big group of girls and guys. He's not boyfriend material as he's a bit of a player, it's hard to not like him and just keep it as a fling but I'm trying as it's not what I want just now. But his friend has made it clear he likes me and texts me all the time whereas the other just texts to 'meet up'. I guess it all depends what I want but doesn't it bother guys I'm already sleeping with his pal? The nice guy is definitely boyfriend material but I'm just not sure what I want. hmmm. What do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what the second guy is thinking but I hope he realizes that you're not girlfriend material, but what the heck, you're easy, a girl who fucks a player purely for the sake of fucking, so he might as well get in the action.
I suggest you stop being a pot calling the kettle black. You're no more relationship material than the guy you're having sex with, based on your own criteria.
He said he needed some space
meg, 20, from aus, asks:
Hi everyone,
My boyfriend of just over 2.5 years decided to take a break/break up (not too sure) yesterday. He said he needed some space and that with work and study he just doesn't get to have any time to himself. I wish he had just spoken to me about it first and then we may have been able to sort something out. When a guy says he needs space, is there like a time when it's alright for the girl to call or message, is 1 week too short of time or should I wait until he wants to contact me. I still think he will come to his senses and realise how much he needs me (possibly wishful thinking) but I guess I just have to prove that I am able to give him space when he needs it?!
VictorM's answer:
If you call him a day, a week, a month later, you are depriving him of what he asked for, namely space away from you. So, how do you know when he's ready to come back? Well, the odds that he'll come back are slim. I'm led to believe this because he didn't even talk to you about this decision. I don't think he was looking for a compromise; he was looking for an escape.
He doesn't want to rule anything out yet but you'd be a sucker if you sit around and wait. In fact, since you don't even know if he broke-up with you or not, you're already the sucker, afraid to make things very clear for fear you might scare him away. And your belief that he'll come back because he needs you may be an indication of why he wants space from you -- maybe he wants a girlfriend, not a mother.
You should call him but not to find out if he has had enough space. You should do it to clarify if you are still a couple or not. If not, well, you've got your answer. If he says you still are, then call bullshit on his need for space. Couples solve their problems together, talking to each other, and if he needs more time for himself that's something you two should talk about, not something he should decide on his own. Make him understand you won't tolerate him leaving you in limbo.
If he decides to break-up with you because of this attitude of yours then he had made up his mind already and you're just forcing him to admit it. Being a woman who tolerates emotional "blackmail" will make you very unhappy down the road. Do not let it happen to you.
Hi everyone,
My boyfriend of just over 2.5 years decided to take a break/break up (not too sure) yesterday. He said he needed some space and that with work and study he just doesn't get to have any time to himself. I wish he had just spoken to me about it first and then we may have been able to sort something out. When a guy says he needs space, is there like a time when it's alright for the girl to call or message, is 1 week too short of time or should I wait until he wants to contact me. I still think he will come to his senses and realise how much he needs me (possibly wishful thinking) but I guess I just have to prove that I am able to give him space when he needs it?!
VictorM's answer:
If you call him a day, a week, a month later, you are depriving him of what he asked for, namely space away from you. So, how do you know when he's ready to come back? Well, the odds that he'll come back are slim. I'm led to believe this because he didn't even talk to you about this decision. I don't think he was looking for a compromise; he was looking for an escape.
He doesn't want to rule anything out yet but you'd be a sucker if you sit around and wait. In fact, since you don't even know if he broke-up with you or not, you're already the sucker, afraid to make things very clear for fear you might scare him away. And your belief that he'll come back because he needs you may be an indication of why he wants space from you -- maybe he wants a girlfriend, not a mother.
You should call him but not to find out if he has had enough space. You should do it to clarify if you are still a couple or not. If not, well, you've got your answer. If he says you still are, then call bullshit on his need for space. Couples solve their problems together, talking to each other, and if he needs more time for himself that's something you two should talk about, not something he should decide on his own. Make him understand you won't tolerate him leaving you in limbo.
If he decides to break-up with you because of this attitude of yours then he had made up his mind already and you're just forcing him to admit it. Being a woman who tolerates emotional "blackmail" will make you very unhappy down the road. Do not let it happen to you.
I think I made a mistake after our first date
hazel, 22, from Texas, asks:
Hi Victor-
Last year I went out on a date with this guy--but I think I made a mistake after our first date. I was so into him--all the sudden, I asked him if he likes me, he said "I can't like you, I have to be friends with you first before liking you." He lives an hour away from me though. In spite of the texting part, I never tend to see him for almost like 9 months. When I moved up to where he was staying, not because of him but because of school, two weeks later, he called and said he wanted to hang out--We hang out but in the heat of the moment we made out--Long story short, he hardly calls and we never do anything, but if we see each other, there is always that sparks. He always said he doesn't have a girlfriend. He told me that he likes me and I'm attractive but we need to take things slow. After one week, he never calls--when I told him "what's up?" he said he's too busy with work (from 8pm-4am)and got a lot of bills to pay. He said he likes me but there is something going on between the two of us and that is miscommunication. Now he's leaving today, and he stopped by last night and we had sex. Please help me..If he doesn't call me for almost a month because he said he's too busy with work and tied schedule, is he telling me the truth? I met some people who told me to "trust him"--I don't know what they mean by that. Perhaps he puts his work first and girls secondary or something. Is he cheating or is he only going for the sex part because I never had sex until he showed up last night..Please Help!!
VictorM's answer:
This sounds very simple: he likes you somewhat, doesn't like you enough for a relationship, but as is the case with most guys, he's ready for sex without commitment.
Expect more of the same when he gets back. That is, being "busy" but dropping by for sex. If you don't like it, it's up to you to put a stop to it. He'll keep doing it as long as you let him.
The people who told you to trust him are full of shit; don't listen to them. Trust your instincts instead.
Hi Victor-
Last year I went out on a date with this guy--but I think I made a mistake after our first date. I was so into him--all the sudden, I asked him if he likes me, he said "I can't like you, I have to be friends with you first before liking you." He lives an hour away from me though. In spite of the texting part, I never tend to see him for almost like 9 months. When I moved up to where he was staying, not because of him but because of school, two weeks later, he called and said he wanted to hang out--We hang out but in the heat of the moment we made out--Long story short, he hardly calls and we never do anything, but if we see each other, there is always that sparks. He always said he doesn't have a girlfriend. He told me that he likes me and I'm attractive but we need to take things slow. After one week, he never calls--when I told him "what's up?" he said he's too busy with work (from 8pm-4am)and got a lot of bills to pay. He said he likes me but there is something going on between the two of us and that is miscommunication. Now he's leaving today, and he stopped by last night and we had sex. Please help me..If he doesn't call me for almost a month because he said he's too busy with work and tied schedule, is he telling me the truth? I met some people who told me to "trust him"--I don't know what they mean by that. Perhaps he puts his work first and girls secondary or something. Is he cheating or is he only going for the sex part because I never had sex until he showed up last night..Please Help!!
VictorM's answer:
This sounds very simple: he likes you somewhat, doesn't like you enough for a relationship, but as is the case with most guys, he's ready for sex without commitment.
Expect more of the same when he gets back. That is, being "busy" but dropping by for sex. If you don't like it, it's up to you to put a stop to it. He'll keep doing it as long as you let him.
The people who told you to trust him are full of shit; don't listen to them. Trust your instincts instead.
I may have blown a potentially good situation
Emily, 19, from England, asks:
So I think I may have blown a potentially good situation. I met this guy at a party and stayed at his, he convinced me even though I made it clear I couldn't do netin (girl issues). So I text him later in the week, met him when we were out and had AMAZING sex, the sort I want to repeat lol. He kept texting me after that to find out what I was up to. We tried to meet a couple of times, but he tried to find me at the end of the night, when I'd already had to leave with my friends. I wasn't playing games, but I guess that's how it looked. I only want sex from him, but have I blown it now (he's not text me since, was couple of days ago). I don't think there's any non-slutty way to say come round and screw me is there? lol. Don't want to look disparate either.
VictorM's advice:
Why are you worried about appearing slutty? You're only after sex anyway. And I doubt he would turn you down. Besides, it's not like you have to say it directly. Just saying you'd love to get together again will let him know all he needs to know.
So I think I may have blown a potentially good situation. I met this guy at a party and stayed at his, he convinced me even though I made it clear I couldn't do netin (girl issues). So I text him later in the week, met him when we were out and had AMAZING sex, the sort I want to repeat lol. He kept texting me after that to find out what I was up to. We tried to meet a couple of times, but he tried to find me at the end of the night, when I'd already had to leave with my friends. I wasn't playing games, but I guess that's how it looked. I only want sex from him, but have I blown it now (he's not text me since, was couple of days ago). I don't think there's any non-slutty way to say come round and screw me is there? lol. Don't want to look disparate either.
VictorM's advice:
Why are you worried about appearing slutty? You're only after sex anyway. And I doubt he would turn you down. Besides, it's not like you have to say it directly. Just saying you'd love to get together again will let him know all he needs to know.
I wrote him an e-mail saying I liked him
Jennifer, 23, from UK, asks:
I've liked this guy for about 8 months now, and about 6 months ago, I wrote him an e-mail saying I liked him. He replied that he doesn't know me well enough to give me an answer to that. After that, I went home for the summer holidays (we're both at college), but when I came back I noticed that my feelings hadn't changed. I see him around now and then, and he doesn't treat me any differently than before, but I don't have the guts to go up and talk to him (or anyone for that matter, I'm very shy), although I want to so badly. Would he think it's weird if I talk to him on Facebook, just talking about random stuff? And what else can I do to find out if he likes me too?
VictorM's advice:
It's rare that confessions such as yours work. Instead of meeting you and talking to you in a relaxed manner and taking a chance in getting to know you better, he knows far too soon that he is facing a relationship, something that's scary in most cases, but much more so with someone he doesn't know well.
Contact him on Facebook but keep your feelings for him out of the picture. Be friendly but don't crowd him. Give him a chance to like you as a person first. If that happens, who knows, things could work in your favor.
I've liked this guy for about 8 months now, and about 6 months ago, I wrote him an e-mail saying I liked him. He replied that he doesn't know me well enough to give me an answer to that. After that, I went home for the summer holidays (we're both at college), but when I came back I noticed that my feelings hadn't changed. I see him around now and then, and he doesn't treat me any differently than before, but I don't have the guts to go up and talk to him (or anyone for that matter, I'm very shy), although I want to so badly. Would he think it's weird if I talk to him on Facebook, just talking about random stuff? And what else can I do to find out if he likes me too?
VictorM's advice:
It's rare that confessions such as yours work. Instead of meeting you and talking to you in a relaxed manner and taking a chance in getting to know you better, he knows far too soon that he is facing a relationship, something that's scary in most cases, but much more so with someone he doesn't know well.
Contact him on Facebook but keep your feelings for him out of the picture. Be friendly but don't crowd him. Give him a chance to like you as a person first. If that happens, who knows, things could work in your favor.
Walnut: No finish sign
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Hi Victor,
If there is no "finish" sign, how do I know I am ready for a new relationship?
VictorM's answer:
You'll know it only when it happens. How long will it take? What needs to happen first? No one knows! At some point you'll go out with some guy. You may see a few guys even. And then, someday, one guy will make you want to spend all your energies on him, not the guy in the past. How long will it take for you to find this guy? No one knows. But even when you do, don't be surprised if at times, maybe even in dreams, the past pops into your mind. Short of getting amnesia, you just have to learn to deal with the past as you open new doors into the future. Hence my "no finish" sign comment; it's an ongoing effort.
What I'm trying to say is don't wait till you feel you're over everything to get on with your life because you will never totally forget the past. You just have to push yourself into the future even as the past has some hold on you.
In your case, things will get even tougher because chances are that the father of your child will make appearances from time to time. Hopefully, he will become less significant in your life but he'll be around.
Hi Victor,
If there is no "finish" sign, how do I know I am ready for a new relationship?
VictorM's answer:
You'll know it only when it happens. How long will it take? What needs to happen first? No one knows! At some point you'll go out with some guy. You may see a few guys even. And then, someday, one guy will make you want to spend all your energies on him, not the guy in the past. How long will it take for you to find this guy? No one knows. But even when you do, don't be surprised if at times, maybe even in dreams, the past pops into your mind. Short of getting amnesia, you just have to learn to deal with the past as you open new doors into the future. Hence my "no finish" sign comment; it's an ongoing effort.
What I'm trying to say is don't wait till you feel you're over everything to get on with your life because you will never totally forget the past. You just have to push yourself into the future even as the past has some hold on you.
In your case, things will get even tougher because chances are that the father of your child will make appearances from time to time. Hopefully, he will become less significant in your life but he'll be around.
Monday, November 05, 2007
The guy really seems to be flirting with me sometimes
Hoplessly Hopeful, 18, from ohio, asks:
Hey, I wanted to thank you for your answer. Also, I wanted to seek your opinion to the same situation.
Since my last question I have followed your advice and it's great. But now I'm still confused. The guy really seems to be flirting with me sometimes...insinuating that he thinks I'm pretty or hinting to things like that but never actually saying them. And whenever we are all in a big group, I always catch him looking at me. The problem is he still has his girlfriend who is still far away. To make matters worse, since the last time I wrote you, I have heard that his girlfriend is really controlling and kind of a witch and he is usually in a bad mood when he is on the phone with her... but he won't leave her. If this stuff is true, which I have kind of noticed it too, why would he stay with her? And does it seem to you that he is interested in me at all?
VictorM's advice:
He could be interested in you but it's hard to tell. Flirting is more often about a guy feeling good about himself than it is about the object of the flirtation. And he could be looking at you because he finds you attractive, but I bet he finds many other girls attractive, so that by itself doesn't mean he likes you any more than any other attractive girl.
Maybe his girlfriend is controlling but who knows, maybe that's a turn on for him. No one knows what his girlfriend does to him. Even if she's not perfect maybe she has qualities he likes. Only he knows for sure how he feels about her and why he won't leave her. Sometimes guys stay stuck with someone they'd rather leave but because they hate to make a girl cry or make her sad, they carry on, sometimes even hoping she's the one that breaks up with him.
Hey, I wanted to thank you for your answer. Also, I wanted to seek your opinion to the same situation.
Since my last question I have followed your advice and it's great. But now I'm still confused. The guy really seems to be flirting with me sometimes...insinuating that he thinks I'm pretty or hinting to things like that but never actually saying them. And whenever we are all in a big group, I always catch him looking at me. The problem is he still has his girlfriend who is still far away. To make matters worse, since the last time I wrote you, I have heard that his girlfriend is really controlling and kind of a witch and he is usually in a bad mood when he is on the phone with her... but he won't leave her. If this stuff is true, which I have kind of noticed it too, why would he stay with her? And does it seem to you that he is interested in me at all?
VictorM's advice:
He could be interested in you but it's hard to tell. Flirting is more often about a guy feeling good about himself than it is about the object of the flirtation. And he could be looking at you because he finds you attractive, but I bet he finds many other girls attractive, so that by itself doesn't mean he likes you any more than any other attractive girl.
Maybe his girlfriend is controlling but who knows, maybe that's a turn on for him. No one knows what his girlfriend does to him. Even if she's not perfect maybe she has qualities he likes. Only he knows for sure how he feels about her and why he won't leave her. Sometimes guys stay stuck with someone they'd rather leave but because they hate to make a girl cry or make her sad, they carry on, sometimes even hoping she's the one that breaks up with him.
I told him I had a crush on him
LaSheena, 25, from work, asks:
There is this guy at my job that I like. He knows that I like him because I told him I had a crush on him. Anyway, one day at work he smiled at me and asked me did I noticed his new hair cut. I said no, but I thought that was weird for him to ask me that. Plus when other men at work flirt with me he will tell them to leave his woman alone. He is also known as a big flirt at work. Is this guy playing with me or does he like me? I am confused.
VictorM's answer:
People flirt at work to pass the time and because they have a captive audience. So don't put too much stock in that.
Could he just be passing the time? Yes. Could he like you? I suppose. But if after you told him you have a crush on him he isn't doing anything more that flirting, I'd think he's only interested in passing the time.
The only way to find out if getting him away from work and seeing how he behaves then.
There is this guy at my job that I like. He knows that I like him because I told him I had a crush on him. Anyway, one day at work he smiled at me and asked me did I noticed his new hair cut. I said no, but I thought that was weird for him to ask me that. Plus when other men at work flirt with me he will tell them to leave his woman alone. He is also known as a big flirt at work. Is this guy playing with me or does he like me? I am confused.
VictorM's answer:
People flirt at work to pass the time and because they have a captive audience. So don't put too much stock in that.
Could he just be passing the time? Yes. Could he like you? I suppose. But if after you told him you have a crush on him he isn't doing anything more that flirting, I'd think he's only interested in passing the time.
The only way to find out if getting him away from work and seeing how he behaves then.
Sheelah forgot some things
Sheelah, 14, from Guam, asks:
Hey Arguy! It's Sheelah again. Thanks for answering my first few questions! :)
But, I think I forgot some things. You see, I really like them both and I want to start dating one of them. I'm just afraid that the other might be hurt that I led him on. How do I let him know that I'm not as interested anymore?
Thanks again Arguy! :)
VictorM's answer:
If you start dating one of them simply stop flirting with the other one. Right now you're just looking and flirting with more than one boy is totally fine. That only needs to change in and when you pick one to go steady with. Just don't tell him you're not interested. You may find out you picked the wrong guy, so don't burn any bridges with any guy.
Guys aren't the ones that go around crying and uttering such nonsense as "he sends me mixed signals", "he hurt my feelings", "he led me on"... that's all crap coming from girls. We guys know about competition and that we don't always win. The one guy you don't pick won't fall apart; he'll move on to one of the many other girls he's been flirting with already anyway.
Hey Arguy! It's Sheelah again. Thanks for answering my first few questions! :)
But, I think I forgot some things. You see, I really like them both and I want to start dating one of them. I'm just afraid that the other might be hurt that I led him on. How do I let him know that I'm not as interested anymore?
Thanks again Arguy! :)
VictorM's answer:
If you start dating one of them simply stop flirting with the other one. Right now you're just looking and flirting with more than one boy is totally fine. That only needs to change in and when you pick one to go steady with. Just don't tell him you're not interested. You may find out you picked the wrong guy, so don't burn any bridges with any guy.
Guys aren't the ones that go around crying and uttering such nonsense as "he sends me mixed signals", "he hurt my feelings", "he led me on"... that's all crap coming from girls. We guys know about competition and that we don't always win. The one guy you don't pick won't fall apart; he'll move on to one of the many other girls he's been flirting with already anyway.
Why did he ask me out if he already had plans?
Kelly, 23, from chicago il, asks:
Recently this guy that I reconnected with from highschool on a social network website sent me a message asking me to go out with him the next day. I said yes, but the next day (day of the date) I instant messaged him, asking what time he was going to pick me up and he told me that he couldn't go because he had something else to do. It didn't even seem like he had planned on calling to tell me, but since he had a hold of me at the moment anyways, he did. Why did he ask me out if he already had plans?
VictorM's answer:
It's possible that whatever he had to do came up after he made plans with you and he just didn't have the time to call you before you called him.
I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt. Whether you choose to do the same is up to you.
Recently this guy that I reconnected with from highschool on a social network website sent me a message asking me to go out with him the next day. I said yes, but the next day (day of the date) I instant messaged him, asking what time he was going to pick me up and he told me that he couldn't go because he had something else to do. It didn't even seem like he had planned on calling to tell me, but since he had a hold of me at the moment anyways, he did. Why did he ask me out if he already had plans?
VictorM's answer:
It's possible that whatever he had to do came up after he made plans with you and he just didn't have the time to call you before you called him.
I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt. Whether you choose to do the same is up to you.
He didn't ask me out again
Blair, 25, from IL, asks:
This guy I went to high school with (never close to back then) friended me on facebook. We talked for about 2 months, each of us writing every other day (2 pages on average). We went on 2 dates, which almost seemed too good to be true. After the 2nd date we continued to write for about 3 weeks, but he didn't ask me out again. He keeps flirting though and sending signs of interest. But then all of a sudden, he began to withdraw a bit, writing a little less and it started to feel different. I finally just point blank told him that I was confused and felt I was getting mixed signals. I told him I was feeling crush like towards him. You know, nothing serious, but I enjoyed hanging out with him, find him attractive and feel we have a lot in common. He responded 3 days ago, saying of course he has a certain amount of feelings for me, but is very confused. He wants to focus on school and his new career so he's afraid to be tied down to a relationship. He said he thinks it would be best for me if we were just friends for now, but some of the best relationships eventually turn to more, so who knows...He said he feels he should give me space as not to lead me on and that he doesn't want to keep me from "what it is you're looking for". (Just a good time, but I think he feels I want more). But it's too late, I already feel as if he's been leading me on the whole 2 months. Why do guys do that? I don't think I misread him the whole time, everyone I showed his letters to (just my closest friends and brother) said "he's definately into you." And my guy friend was like "There's no way in hell a guy would write 2 pages to a girl every other day if he wasn't into her." So I'm confused. Was he really just being nice or did my asking him how he felt scare him? I just fear we'll never talk again. When I said, I'd still like to hang out as friends he did not respond.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing to be confused about. Yes, he was very much into you (during the discovery phase), he put quite a bit of energy into it (the long emails), and I have no doubt he was feeling very warm and fuzzy about you. He met you twice, and after that, for whatever reasons, he started a cool-off phase. Then you popped the question and he came clean. Everything he said after that is all natural politeness crap, none of which you should pay too much attention to. Bottom line is: he was into before things changed.
And no, you can't be just friends with a guy who's no longer into you after you told him you liked him. Nothing good would come off it.
How many people do you know that only have had one boyfriend or girlfriend? The truth of the matter is all of us experience many mates before we find one that we really click with. After giving you a good look, he found that for him you two were not a click. So, wisely, he's moving on. And so should you.
This guy I went to high school with (never close to back then) friended me on facebook. We talked for about 2 months, each of us writing every other day (2 pages on average). We went on 2 dates, which almost seemed too good to be true. After the 2nd date we continued to write for about 3 weeks, but he didn't ask me out again. He keeps flirting though and sending signs of interest. But then all of a sudden, he began to withdraw a bit, writing a little less and it started to feel different. I finally just point blank told him that I was confused and felt I was getting mixed signals. I told him I was feeling crush like towards him. You know, nothing serious, but I enjoyed hanging out with him, find him attractive and feel we have a lot in common. He responded 3 days ago, saying of course he has a certain amount of feelings for me, but is very confused. He wants to focus on school and his new career so he's afraid to be tied down to a relationship. He said he thinks it would be best for me if we were just friends for now, but some of the best relationships eventually turn to more, so who knows...He said he feels he should give me space as not to lead me on and that he doesn't want to keep me from "what it is you're looking for". (Just a good time, but I think he feels I want more). But it's too late, I already feel as if he's been leading me on the whole 2 months. Why do guys do that? I don't think I misread him the whole time, everyone I showed his letters to (just my closest friends and brother) said "he's definately into you." And my guy friend was like "There's no way in hell a guy would write 2 pages to a girl every other day if he wasn't into her." So I'm confused. Was he really just being nice or did my asking him how he felt scare him? I just fear we'll never talk again. When I said, I'd still like to hang out as friends he did not respond.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing to be confused about. Yes, he was very much into you (during the discovery phase), he put quite a bit of energy into it (the long emails), and I have no doubt he was feeling very warm and fuzzy about you. He met you twice, and after that, for whatever reasons, he started a cool-off phase. Then you popped the question and he came clean. Everything he said after that is all natural politeness crap, none of which you should pay too much attention to. Bottom line is: he was into before things changed.
And no, you can't be just friends with a guy who's no longer into you after you told him you liked him. Nothing good would come off it.
How many people do you know that only have had one boyfriend or girlfriend? The truth of the matter is all of us experience many mates before we find one that we really click with. After giving you a good look, he found that for him you two were not a click. So, wisely, he's moving on. And so should you.
Why do guys change?
Autumn J, 16, from waverly, asks:
Why do guys change when they are around their friends?
VictorM's answer:
In two words: peer pressure. It's the need to want to be accepted and be liked by those we like.
But you're no different. Don't tell me you behave the same way with your parents as you do when you're alone with your best girl friends.
Why do guys change when they are around their friends?
VictorM's answer:
In two words: peer pressure. It's the need to want to be accepted and be liked by those we like.
But you're no different. Don't tell me you behave the same way with your parents as you do when you're alone with your best girl friends.
He likes me, he likes me not
Kayla H, 16, from chemung, asks:
How come one week he is into me and the next he has no feelings at all? Does he like me or is he playing me?
VictorM's advice:
He liked you enough to be curious about you (hence the feeling that he was into you), but after a while (could be a week, a day, or a few minutes), he felt differently. It happens all the time. He's not playing you; he's just living in the real world.
You need to join this real world too and get used to the concept that some people may be a good fit and some people may not. You aren't a fit for him. Keep looking.
How come one week he is into me and the next he has no feelings at all? Does he like me or is he playing me?
VictorM's advice:
He liked you enough to be curious about you (hence the feeling that he was into you), but after a while (could be a week, a day, or a few minutes), he felt differently. It happens all the time. He's not playing you; he's just living in the real world.
You need to join this real world too and get used to the concept that some people may be a good fit and some people may not. You aren't a fit for him. Keep looking.
I might like a guy but he's off-limit
Tracy, 15, from Van, asks:
Hey! I'm back. I've been great lately!
Though, I think I might like a guy but he's off-limit, meaning that he has a girlfriend. Sometimes I think he's just playing me, he says hi but I would only smile at him, the next day he ignores me and does nothing, but then the next few days he says hi with a wave and all this continues but usually he ignores me, sometimes I see him looking at me and when I look back at him, he still looks at me but then I look away. I've only talked to him once or twice. My friends told me he has a girlfriend because they saw him kissing a girl when she visited him because she's not from our school. Sometimes I get pissed at him because I thought he liked me with all the "Hi" and the wave. He's 2 years older than me. I have a friend in the same class with him, and when they were having p.e she was just going around the netball pole as if she was a pole dancer or something and she told me when she turned to look at him, he gave her this smile and winked at her. I'm kinda confuse. I always smile at him when he says hi but I don't really say hi back, I don't know why but I should have, now he doesn't say anything or look at me. I think I did something wrong. I get shy sometimes that I don't say a word. What should I do now? Should I say hi to him if I walk pass him? But what if he ignores me?
Help victor, you've helped me so much before, and I thank you for that.
VictorM's advice:
You're quite welcome Tracy.
Well, about this boy... you have to consider that he may just be the friendly type. When he's in a good mood he says hi and waves and when he's not, he doesn't. And it could also be that he's being flirty, but then again, boys around your age will do that very often, to lots of girls.
You should say hi to him and make sure to use his name: "Hi, John". He will not ignore you! Just don't go thinking that when he answers back that he's in love with you. Just think of catching his attention. What happens after that, no one knows.
Hey! I'm back. I've been great lately!
Though, I think I might like a guy but he's off-limit, meaning that he has a girlfriend. Sometimes I think he's just playing me, he says hi but I would only smile at him, the next day he ignores me and does nothing, but then the next few days he says hi with a wave and all this continues but usually he ignores me, sometimes I see him looking at me and when I look back at him, he still looks at me but then I look away. I've only talked to him once or twice. My friends told me he has a girlfriend because they saw him kissing a girl when she visited him because she's not from our school. Sometimes I get pissed at him because I thought he liked me with all the "Hi" and the wave. He's 2 years older than me. I have a friend in the same class with him, and when they were having p.e she was just going around the netball pole as if she was a pole dancer or something and she told me when she turned to look at him, he gave her this smile and winked at her. I'm kinda confuse. I always smile at him when he says hi but I don't really say hi back, I don't know why but I should have, now he doesn't say anything or look at me. I think I did something wrong. I get shy sometimes that I don't say a word. What should I do now? Should I say hi to him if I walk pass him? But what if he ignores me?
Help victor, you've helped me so much before, and I thank you for that.
VictorM's advice:
You're quite welcome Tracy.
Well, about this boy... you have to consider that he may just be the friendly type. When he's in a good mood he says hi and waves and when he's not, he doesn't. And it could also be that he's being flirty, but then again, boys around your age will do that very often, to lots of girls.
You should say hi to him and make sure to use his name: "Hi, John". He will not ignore you! Just don't go thinking that when he answers back that he's in love with you. Just think of catching his attention. What happens after that, no one knows.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
His parents don't like me and my parents don't like his parents
Casey, 20, from Bakersfield, asks:
I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and his parents don't like me and my parents don't like his parents and are starting to not like him either! We are deeply in love and our parents don't want us seeing each other. He wants to continue seeing me but his mom shows up at school trying to see if we are still seeing each other! At times my mom will say she is OK with him but she doesn't want me getting hurt because his parents are talking bad about me! Right now he is working hard to move out but his parents have him locked out of his own room and can't get extra clothes to pack and leave. They also want him to pay $400 rent to live there and he doesn't even sleep in a bed!!! What should he do and should we still be together or go on break?!?! I'm sooooo lost I don't know what to do!!!
VictorM's advice:
From your description, his parents don't sound like rational people with whom he can have an intelligent discussion. Given this situation, I don't think that standing on principles and honesty is merited. Frankly, they don't deserve it.
He should do whatever it takes to get his stuff back and go on his own, including being deceitful about his relationship with you, if need be. But don't count on it happening. I'm sure his upbringing is standing in the way of him being able to free himself from their grasp. You'd think that people who are treated like he is would bolt at the first chance, but often that's not the case. They are so wounded by the treatment they have received that they lack the necessary will to leave.
Encourage him to leave but be aware that he may come up with all kind of excuses as to why he can't leave. If it's not his clothes it will be something else. Even if he leaves, what they have done to him will become your problem unless he can repair the emotional damage they've caused.
Their parenting style, whether you like it or not, will impact his relationship with you, which I suspect is what your mom fears.
I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and his parents don't like me and my parents don't like his parents and are starting to not like him either! We are deeply in love and our parents don't want us seeing each other. He wants to continue seeing me but his mom shows up at school trying to see if we are still seeing each other! At times my mom will say she is OK with him but she doesn't want me getting hurt because his parents are talking bad about me! Right now he is working hard to move out but his parents have him locked out of his own room and can't get extra clothes to pack and leave. They also want him to pay $400 rent to live there and he doesn't even sleep in a bed!!! What should he do and should we still be together or go on break?!?! I'm sooooo lost I don't know what to do!!!
VictorM's advice:
From your description, his parents don't sound like rational people with whom he can have an intelligent discussion. Given this situation, I don't think that standing on principles and honesty is merited. Frankly, they don't deserve it.
He should do whatever it takes to get his stuff back and go on his own, including being deceitful about his relationship with you, if need be. But don't count on it happening. I'm sure his upbringing is standing in the way of him being able to free himself from their grasp. You'd think that people who are treated like he is would bolt at the first chance, but often that's not the case. They are so wounded by the treatment they have received that they lack the necessary will to leave.
Encourage him to leave but be aware that he may come up with all kind of excuses as to why he can't leave. If it's not his clothes it will be something else. Even if he leaves, what they have done to him will become your problem unless he can repair the emotional damage they've caused.
Their parenting style, whether you like it or not, will impact his relationship with you, which I suspect is what your mom fears.
He hasn't told me he loves me
Anna, 33, from Calgary, Canada, asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He was married before and she left him, which he says traumatized him. However, things are great between us, for the most part, and we have very few issues, except for one major one - he hasn't told me he loves me. I told him I love him about 8 months ago, and at the time he said he couldn't say it back. That was hard, but I decided to stick with him and be patient because I do love him and he is very caring (apart from not saying those words). I tell him I love him now and then, but he still never says it back. Should I give up on him?
VictorM's advice:
Since the issue has been raised before, and he was honest about not being ready to say the words, one possible conclusion is that he's not in love with you. If, on the other hand, he isn't saying he loves you because he's still traumatized, you have a boyfriend in serious need of counseling. Either way, it does not bode well that he's not saying the words.
No matter what the explanation, his reluctance sounds very odd to me. After being together for 2 years you should have heard the words already.
I can't say if you should give up on him -- that's one decision only you can reach -- but I do believe this is a problem that you can't ignore. It may be masking other problems that you have been unwilling or unable to detect.
Makes you wonder why his wife left him, no?
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He was married before and she left him, which he says traumatized him. However, things are great between us, for the most part, and we have very few issues, except for one major one - he hasn't told me he loves me. I told him I love him about 8 months ago, and at the time he said he couldn't say it back. That was hard, but I decided to stick with him and be patient because I do love him and he is very caring (apart from not saying those words). I tell him I love him now and then, but he still never says it back. Should I give up on him?
VictorM's advice:
Since the issue has been raised before, and he was honest about not being ready to say the words, one possible conclusion is that he's not in love with you. If, on the other hand, he isn't saying he loves you because he's still traumatized, you have a boyfriend in serious need of counseling. Either way, it does not bode well that he's not saying the words.
No matter what the explanation, his reluctance sounds very odd to me. After being together for 2 years you should have heard the words already.
I can't say if you should give up on him -- that's one decision only you can reach -- but I do believe this is a problem that you can't ignore. It may be masking other problems that you have been unwilling or unable to detect.
Makes you wonder why his wife left him, no?
Guess who starts getting distant - he does
Jamie, 29, from Atlanta, asks:
Hi Victor,
OK, so everyone is always saying "once you tell a guy you like him, he'll withdraw, get distant and it's over." Ok so I've been playing it very cool, and it was really working. Then the other night, "in the heat of the moment" he said he missed me while he was out of town and he didn't want to sound silly but he thinks he's falling for me. To missing me, I said: "I miss you too." To falling for me, I just grabbed him and kissed him. I felt it was too early to reveal my feelings. Well guess what? He has revealed his feelings and guess who starts getting distant - he does! What the hell!
VictorM's advice:
Are you sure now that the courting phase is over he's not just entering relationship mode, which means less contact? Or maybe you're calling him distant only because he didn't increase his attention when you expected him to?
Well, if he is indeed getting distant, it just means that he's not ready for the consequences of his "confession". Maybe he meant it when he said it but later realized he's not ready for a serious relationship with you.
If he's getting cold feet there is not much you can do about it. However, before you reach that conclusion, consider that it may just be your perception that needs adjusting.
Hi Victor,
OK, so everyone is always saying "once you tell a guy you like him, he'll withdraw, get distant and it's over." Ok so I've been playing it very cool, and it was really working. Then the other night, "in the heat of the moment" he said he missed me while he was out of town and he didn't want to sound silly but he thinks he's falling for me. To missing me, I said: "I miss you too." To falling for me, I just grabbed him and kissed him. I felt it was too early to reveal my feelings. Well guess what? He has revealed his feelings and guess who starts getting distant - he does! What the hell!
VictorM's advice:
Are you sure now that the courting phase is over he's not just entering relationship mode, which means less contact? Or maybe you're calling him distant only because he didn't increase his attention when you expected him to?
Well, if he is indeed getting distant, it just means that he's not ready for the consequences of his "confession". Maybe he meant it when he said it but later realized he's not ready for a serious relationship with you.
If he's getting cold feet there is not much you can do about it. However, before you reach that conclusion, consider that it may just be your perception that needs adjusting.
Walnut: How do I know that I have moved on?
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Hi Victor,
How do I know that I have moved on? My daughter is 3 months old. I really enjoy the motherhood. Although everyday life is a bit tried (I don't have enough sleep). Our life has gradually settled down. I have met some new friends. The past bad memory comes back from time to time and I still feel unfair and unhappy. Furthermore, my ex didn't return me a cent and I found out that the cost to take him to court is more than the money he owns me. Obviously, there is no guarantee that if I take him to court will make me feel better. A month ago I asked him to sign a "I owe you", he refused and "disappeared" since then.
I still remembered how my girl "friend" yelled at me. I am really bad I think, because I wish the same thing happen to her (not her baby, if she will even have one). Anyway, I don't have time to witness that even thought that does happen in the future. When I see other babies' fathers or both parents taking them to Daycare, talking and laughing with them, I wish my ex can change and we can have the same happy family. It will be hard to find another man that will treat my daughter as their own child. Even if I am that lucky to find one, this won't extend to step grandparents and extend families. I don't know how other single parents work out this when they are in a new relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Walnut. Nice to hear from you. I'm glad to know the baby is doing fine.
Moving on isn't something that has a specific date or event that deems it completed. It's a process that takes time. Step by step, bit by bit, you move on. Even when there are days you think you're taking two steps back for every step forward, you are still moving on. But you may never reach the destination you seek; when you least expect it, you could be overwhelmed by a bad memory. If you are expecting something to happen overnight, like a light switch that goes from on to off, you will always be disappointed.
But you are coping: your daughter is growing and you met new friends. You are moving on. Just don't expect to see a "Finish" sign.
Hi Victor,
How do I know that I have moved on? My daughter is 3 months old. I really enjoy the motherhood. Although everyday life is a bit tried (I don't have enough sleep). Our life has gradually settled down. I have met some new friends. The past bad memory comes back from time to time and I still feel unfair and unhappy. Furthermore, my ex didn't return me a cent and I found out that the cost to take him to court is more than the money he owns me. Obviously, there is no guarantee that if I take him to court will make me feel better. A month ago I asked him to sign a "I owe you", he refused and "disappeared" since then.
I still remembered how my girl "friend" yelled at me. I am really bad I think, because I wish the same thing happen to her (not her baby, if she will even have one). Anyway, I don't have time to witness that even thought that does happen in the future. When I see other babies' fathers or both parents taking them to Daycare, talking and laughing with them, I wish my ex can change and we can have the same happy family. It will be hard to find another man that will treat my daughter as their own child. Even if I am that lucky to find one, this won't extend to step grandparents and extend families. I don't know how other single parents work out this when they are in a new relationship.
VictorM's advice:
Hi Walnut. Nice to hear from you. I'm glad to know the baby is doing fine.
Moving on isn't something that has a specific date or event that deems it completed. It's a process that takes time. Step by step, bit by bit, you move on. Even when there are days you think you're taking two steps back for every step forward, you are still moving on. But you may never reach the destination you seek; when you least expect it, you could be overwhelmed by a bad memory. If you are expecting something to happen overnight, like a light switch that goes from on to off, you will always be disappointed.
But you are coping: your daughter is growing and you met new friends. You are moving on. Just don't expect to see a "Finish" sign.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
He suddenly stopped talking to me
cassie, 16, from vermont, asks:
I've been talking to this guy for a while now. We both know we liked each other, a lot. It was almost like we were already in a relationship with each other. Once things were falling into place, he suddenly stopped talking to me and I think he told me he's sort of into some other girl now. What should I do? I really really like him and I just want a chance to be with him. It really hurts me. After he led me on like that, he's "leaving" me for someone else. Help please?
VictorM's advice:
It's not his fault that you really really like him and that you thought you were almost in a relationship. He led you on? How so? His job is to follow his heart (which he might have done with you) until he realizes that the seed is not going to bear fruit. And so he moves on to another and the process starts again. He's doing what boys do -- trying out possible mates.
Boys around your age have a short attention span and there are so many attractive girls. Whatever you do, stay friendly, stay nice, and do NOT get a negative attitude. Don't be surprise if he gets over the new girl and comes back chasing you.
I've been talking to this guy for a while now. We both know we liked each other, a lot. It was almost like we were already in a relationship with each other. Once things were falling into place, he suddenly stopped talking to me and I think he told me he's sort of into some other girl now. What should I do? I really really like him and I just want a chance to be with him. It really hurts me. After he led me on like that, he's "leaving" me for someone else. Help please?
VictorM's advice:
It's not his fault that you really really like him and that you thought you were almost in a relationship. He led you on? How so? His job is to follow his heart (which he might have done with you) until he realizes that the seed is not going to bear fruit. And so he moves on to another and the process starts again. He's doing what boys do -- trying out possible mates.
Boys around your age have a short attention span and there are so many attractive girls. Whatever you do, stay friendly, stay nice, and do NOT get a negative attitude. Don't be surprise if he gets over the new girl and comes back chasing you.
My current boyfriend and I are madly in love
May, 22, from S.A, asks:
My current boyfriend and I are madly in love, but before we were dating he was quite the ladies man and slept with a large number of women, cheated on his girlfriends and was just every woman's nightmare and every man's hero. The women that he was with were absolutely stunning. Now that we are dating he assures me regularly that he is not cheating and he has grown out of that phase. He says it was a disgusting time in his life and it makes him feel dirty inside. He is 25 now and wants to get married in a year's time when he completes his studies. He says I am the only woman that gets him, and is able to fulfill him in every way. He still has so many fem
My current boyfriend and I are madly in love, but before we were dating he was quite the ladies man and slept with a large number of women, cheated on his girlfriends and was just every woman's nightmare and every man's hero. The women that he was with were absolutely stunning. Now that we are dating he assures me regularly that he is not cheating and he has grown out of that phase. He says it was a disgusting time in his life and it makes him feel dirty inside. He is 25 now and wants to get married in a year's time when he completes his studies. He says I am the only woman that gets him, and is able to fulfill him in every way. He still has so many fem