Tuesday, October 30, 2007
When I talk to him about personal things he freezes up
Hanna, 16, from u.s.a., asks:
My guy is so romantic but sometimes when I talk to him about personal things he freezes up. How am I supposed to handle a guy that's so shy?
VictorM's advice:
That's not being shy; that's being a guy. Not all guys are like that, but the majority is. It's just one of those things that makes most guys quite different from girls.
Stay away from topics that are too personal and focus on topics that you know he likes and knows a lot about. Trust takes time to build and that needs to happen first before he gets more personal with you. Listen attentively and seriously to the things that are important to him and you may yet get him to talk about things that are important to you. But that's not going to happen right away.
My guy is so romantic but sometimes when I talk to him about personal things he freezes up. How am I supposed to handle a guy that's so shy?
VictorM's advice:
That's not being shy; that's being a guy. Not all guys are like that, but the majority is. It's just one of those things that makes most guys quite different from girls.
Stay away from topics that are too personal and focus on topics that you know he likes and knows a lot about. Trust takes time to build and that needs to happen first before he gets more personal with you. Listen attentively and seriously to the things that are important to him and you may yet get him to talk about things that are important to you. But that's not going to happen right away.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Maybe we should wait a week or something
Jes, 17, asks:
I've been "together" with a guy for over a month. We had sex for the first time 2 days ago. I brought up a conversation on having a relationship with him when we were cuddling, and this is what he exactly said: "I knew this would come up. I do want a relationship with you. Maybe we should wait a week or something." I said okay, and 2 minutes later he asked if I was mad, and I said no.
To be honest I have no idea what he meant. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
His suggestion is a good idea. You should never make a commitments like that right after having sex. People's ability to think long term under those circumstances isn't very good and they wind up making promises they regret. Waiting a while allows you two to decide if you still want a relationship when your brains are actually functioning.
I've been "together" with a guy for over a month. We had sex for the first time 2 days ago. I brought up a conversation on having a relationship with him when we were cuddling, and this is what he exactly said: "I knew this would come up. I do want a relationship with you. Maybe we should wait a week or something." I said okay, and 2 minutes later he asked if I was mad, and I said no.
To be honest I have no idea what he meant. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
His suggestion is a good idea. You should never make a commitments like that right after having sex. People's ability to think long term under those circumstances isn't very good and they wind up making promises they regret. Waiting a while allows you two to decide if you still want a relationship when your brains are actually functioning.
I didn't fully reciprocate
K, 18, from USA, asks:
My guy friend has liked me for a long time, but when he told me, I didn't fully reciprocate. I think I've developed more-than-friends feelings, but I think it might be too late, because now he says he likes another girl.
He's still showing me signs of interest and he is giving me strong mixed signals. The way he treats me and acts towards me cannot be a way you would treat someone you saw as strictly platonic.
He told me he left it at that when I didn't reciprocate his interest back then. But, that doesn't mean you just stop liking someone. The first time didn't stop him from telling me the second time. Why is he still acting so interested and even physically affectionate now (he's shy, so flirting takes effort) if he likes another girl and sees me a just a friend? He knows I'm bothered by the other girl. I am trying to reciprocate my interest back. Should I flat out tell him my feelings or what? I am so confused by his behavior and all of this.
Thank you so much, Victor
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should tell him flat out that you like him.
Because you didn't reciprocate before he's now acting all defensive. Maybe you're trying to give him hints but that's not good enough. He's not going to take another shot at being rejected. You have to come out and say you like him straight out.
Forget the other girl; he's just saying that to get your attention.
My guy friend has liked me for a long time, but when he told me, I didn't fully reciprocate. I think I've developed more-than-friends feelings, but I think it might be too late, because now he says he likes another girl.
He's still showing me signs of interest and he is giving me strong mixed signals. The way he treats me and acts towards me cannot be a way you would treat someone you saw as strictly platonic.
He told me he left it at that when I didn't reciprocate his interest back then. But, that doesn't mean you just stop liking someone. The first time didn't stop him from telling me the second time. Why is he still acting so interested and even physically affectionate now (he's shy, so flirting takes effort) if he likes another girl and sees me a just a friend? He knows I'm bothered by the other girl. I am trying to reciprocate my interest back. Should I flat out tell him my feelings or what? I am so confused by his behavior and all of this.
Thank you so much, Victor
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should tell him flat out that you like him.
Because you didn't reciprocate before he's now acting all defensive. Maybe you're trying to give him hints but that's not good enough. He's not going to take another shot at being rejected. You have to come out and say you like him straight out.
Forget the other girl; he's just saying that to get your attention.
I am dating a really shy guy
not telling, 16, from not telling, asks:
I am dating a really shy guy. I want to let him know that it's okay to hug me or hold my hand without freaking him out. How do I do that?
VictorM's advice:
Hold his hand or hug him. He'll respond without freaking out. Once he knows it's OK with you, he'll be fine with it.
I am dating a really shy guy. I want to let him know that it's okay to hug me or hold my hand without freaking him out. How do I do that?
VictorM's advice:
Hold his hand or hug him. He'll respond without freaking out. Once he knows it's OK with you, he'll be fine with it.
I just want the guy I want
Lilly, 14, asks:
I'm kinda confuse here. I like a guy who is 2 years older than me, but I heard that he has a girlfriend which I don't know for sure. In school, when we're changing classes I would look at him and he sometimes says hi or smiles and I smile at him all the time. He talked to me once or twice and the last time he talked to me for a short time after he waved at me when he was looking my way so I waved back and I walked with my friend to the school gate and he came to us with his two other friends and he asked me where I live and then I had to go. But the thing is my friends tell me he's just being nice to me and like he does the same thing with other girls, he even poked my friend on the waist and I heard a rumour that he kissed a girl. Sometimes when my friend calls me in the corridor he would at my friend or when they mention my name infront of him he would look at them. I'm not sure if this means anything but I really like him. Usually when he's with his friends he's like loud and when they see me him and his friends would look at me and when they came to talk to me he was like quiet but loud at the same time.
I don't know what this means but my friend told me he's like a player and said I shouldn't go out with him because he has a girlfriend who is not from our school. I don't know what to do.
What does this mean? What should I do? Does he like me? Could there be any chance that he likes me? I want him to want me and I want him to ask me out. I'm pretty sure he knows that I like him because every time I see him and he looks at me I would smile at him which my friend said it's pretty obvious. Please tell me what to do. I really need your help.
And also, there's a guy who likes me but he's younger than me like by a year or two (I'm not sure). The thing is, I don't like him as much as I like the other guy but then my friends told me to go out with this guy because he's hotter but whatever.
Seriously, I'm confuse here. I really don't know what to do. What should I do? I just want the guy I want, not the guy who likes me and I don't like him. I want the guy I like and how do I make him like me if he doesn't like me?
Thanks Vic!
VictorM's advice:
Lilly, don't listen to your friends; they have the wisdom of a rock star at a Holiday Inn.
Sounds like this boy likes you, but you may not be the only one he likes. See, once boys discover girls they have a hard time settling on one. Sorta like eating M&Ms -- can't have just one. For many guys, that phase passes and they settle on one; for many guys, the M&M analogy lasts a lifetime. Part of your job is figure out which guy is in what group.
So for now, keep doing what you're doing. Smile and be friendly. That's your best bet that he'll like you. And when you say hi to him, make sure you use his name.
Forget the younger boy. My lord, he could be only 12 years old; his pecker is still like a Gummi Worm. Stay focused on the guy you want.
I'm kinda confuse here. I like a guy who is 2 years older than me, but I heard that he has a girlfriend which I don't know for sure. In school, when we're changing classes I would look at him and he sometimes says hi or smiles and I smile at him all the time. He talked to me once or twice and the last time he talked to me for a short time after he waved at me when he was looking my way so I waved back and I walked with my friend to the school gate and he came to us with his two other friends and he asked me where I live and then I had to go. But the thing is my friends tell me he's just being nice to me and like he does the same thing with other girls, he even poked my friend on the waist and I heard a rumour that he kissed a girl. Sometimes when my friend calls me in the corridor he would at my friend or when they mention my name infront of him he would look at them. I'm not sure if this means anything but I really like him. Usually when he's with his friends he's like loud and when they see me him and his friends would look at me and when they came to talk to me he was like quiet but loud at the same time.
I don't know what this means but my friend told me he's like a player and said I shouldn't go out with him because he has a girlfriend who is not from our school. I don't know what to do.
What does this mean? What should I do? Does he like me? Could there be any chance that he likes me? I want him to want me and I want him to ask me out. I'm pretty sure he knows that I like him because every time I see him and he looks at me I would smile at him which my friend said it's pretty obvious. Please tell me what to do. I really need your help.
And also, there's a guy who likes me but he's younger than me like by a year or two (I'm not sure). The thing is, I don't like him as much as I like the other guy but then my friends told me to go out with this guy because he's hotter but whatever.
Seriously, I'm confuse here. I really don't know what to do. What should I do? I just want the guy I want, not the guy who likes me and I don't like him. I want the guy I like and how do I make him like me if he doesn't like me?
Thanks Vic!
VictorM's advice:
Lilly, don't listen to your friends; they have the wisdom of a rock star at a Holiday Inn.
Sounds like this boy likes you, but you may not be the only one he likes. See, once boys discover girls they have a hard time settling on one. Sorta like eating M&Ms -- can't have just one. For many guys, that phase passes and they settle on one; for many guys, the M&M analogy lasts a lifetime. Part of your job is figure out which guy is in what group.
So for now, keep doing what you're doing. Smile and be friendly. That's your best bet that he'll like you. And when you say hi to him, make sure you use his name.
Forget the younger boy. My lord, he could be only 12 years old; his pecker is still like a Gummi Worm. Stay focused on the guy you want.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I am being PATIENT, but am i being played?
Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach, asks:
OK, I took your advice and I still am being PATIENT. But am I being played? This guy seems like a great friend when we're alone but there's this other girl that's practically in love with him but he's not interested and for some reason she doesn't like me. I hung out with them once and she was bored the whole time while me and this guy hung out as if it was just the two of us. And since then, when they hang out she just wants to be alone with him. Now usually we walk together after school or if not he tells me in advance that he won't be there but today I was walking right by him and when I stopped he made a funny face and so I just walked by myself then when we got to a stoplight all of a sudden I felt something behind me and I turned around it was him smiling. Whereas the girl was on the opposite side of me and as he skated in front of us he made an "oh well" face towards the girl. Then right after mouthed the words "walk faster" to her. And so they did leaving me behind, not saying a word to me.
Now did he do this because of the girl or was he seriously trying to get away from me? I assume it was because of HER but why is he allowing that in the first place?
VictorM's advice:
You're not being played because he's getting nothing from you. He's just a teen boy who knows more than one girl is interested in him and he's going to milk it for all it's worth. There's nothing deceitful about that; it's just that the situation is feeding his ego and he likes it.
I think you may be reading too much into his facial expressions. But who knows, maybe he's getting closer to her. At some point he's bound to choose one over the other. But there's not much else you can do other than being friendly and making him feel good around you. And being patient. His mind might change several times. Next week he may be ignoring her.
But maybe you should start paying more attention to other boys -- I'm sure there are some interested in you. No point in putting all your eggs in this one basket. Maybe he feels too secure about you liking him and needs a little jolt of doubt to make him more interested in you. ;)
OK, I took your advice and I still am being PATIENT. But am I being played? This guy seems like a great friend when we're alone but there's this other girl that's practically in love with him but he's not interested and for some reason she doesn't like me. I hung out with them once and she was bored the whole time while me and this guy hung out as if it was just the two of us. And since then, when they hang out she just wants to be alone with him. Now usually we walk together after school or if not he tells me in advance that he won't be there but today I was walking right by him and when I stopped he made a funny face and so I just walked by myself then when we got to a stoplight all of a sudden I felt something behind me and I turned around it was him smiling. Whereas the girl was on the opposite side of me and as he skated in front of us he made an "oh well" face towards the girl. Then right after mouthed the words "walk faster" to her. And so they did leaving me behind, not saying a word to me.
Now did he do this because of the girl or was he seriously trying to get away from me? I assume it was because of HER but why is he allowing that in the first place?
VictorM's advice:
You're not being played because he's getting nothing from you. He's just a teen boy who knows more than one girl is interested in him and he's going to milk it for all it's worth. There's nothing deceitful about that; it's just that the situation is feeding his ego and he likes it.
I think you may be reading too much into his facial expressions. But who knows, maybe he's getting closer to her. At some point he's bound to choose one over the other. But there's not much else you can do other than being friendly and making him feel good around you. And being patient. His mind might change several times. Next week he may be ignoring her.
But maybe you should start paying more attention to other boys -- I'm sure there are some interested in you. No point in putting all your eggs in this one basket. Maybe he feels too secure about you liking him and needs a little jolt of doubt to make him more interested in you. ;)
He disappeared without any call or message
LILA, 30, from EUROPE, asks:
PLEASE HELP!!! I hanged out with a guy for five months. All we did was go out, eat, go to the movies, and talk about our divorced parents and our psychological and other problems in general. Never had sex or any other physical kind of relationship but there was some kind of romantic air between us. One day he met a girl and she proposed to him to have sex the first night he met her and so he disappeared without any call or message. I called him and asked him out but he refused and gave as an excuse that he is too busy. A month later I learned from his mother that they separated and that their relationship was purely sexual and that he has feelings for me. The thing is I am hooked on him. I love him and I want him back not just as a friend but as a lover as well and he knows that. I understand that since we had no sex he looked for it someplace else but he never asked me whether I wanted to have an erotic rather than a friendly relationship. I cannot understand men. Why did he not just ask for it? We have a strong emotional bond but I'm afraid he is not attracted to me physically because I am fat. I am afraid to start a relationship all over again because I feel he is going to dissappear again and do the same with the next girl available to have sex with. Any opinions on what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can understand why he could have sex with another girl but not with you for reasons that have nothing to do with him not finding you attractive. Guys tend to separate girls into the type they would like to get serious about and girls they simply would love to fuck. Having sex with the first kind of girls complicates everything because it can't be just sex; it would be an emotional investment, one he may not be willing or ready to make yet. The second kind of girl is much easier to have sex with, simply because he knows he can walk away without guilt.
Maybe you are imagining that "there was some kind of romantic air between us" (it sounds too romance novel stuff to me), and maybe his mom is telling you what she thinks you want to hear or what she would like to happen (assuming she likes you). Maybe, just maybe, this guy likes purely as a friend. Maybe it is so because of your weight (that's something only he really knows) or simply because we humans are destined to only fall in love with a few people in our life time among the billions on the planet, and to him you're not one of those few.
Bottom line is he's entitled to like you as friend, not as a lover, no matter how much you'd like it to be different. And if that's how he thinks about you, sex will not be part of the equation.
PLEASE HELP!!! I hanged out with a guy for five months. All we did was go out, eat, go to the movies, and talk about our divorced parents and our psychological and other problems in general. Never had sex or any other physical kind of relationship but there was some kind of romantic air between us. One day he met a girl and she proposed to him to have sex the first night he met her and so he disappeared without any call or message. I called him and asked him out but he refused and gave as an excuse that he is too busy. A month later I learned from his mother that they separated and that their relationship was purely sexual and that he has feelings for me. The thing is I am hooked on him. I love him and I want him back not just as a friend but as a lover as well and he knows that. I understand that since we had no sex he looked for it someplace else but he never asked me whether I wanted to have an erotic rather than a friendly relationship. I cannot understand men. Why did he not just ask for it? We have a strong emotional bond but I'm afraid he is not attracted to me physically because I am fat. I am afraid to start a relationship all over again because I feel he is going to dissappear again and do the same with the next girl available to have sex with. Any opinions on what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can understand why he could have sex with another girl but not with you for reasons that have nothing to do with him not finding you attractive. Guys tend to separate girls into the type they would like to get serious about and girls they simply would love to fuck. Having sex with the first kind of girls complicates everything because it can't be just sex; it would be an emotional investment, one he may not be willing or ready to make yet. The second kind of girl is much easier to have sex with, simply because he knows he can walk away without guilt.
Maybe you are imagining that "there was some kind of romantic air between us" (it sounds too romance novel stuff to me), and maybe his mom is telling you what she thinks you want to hear or what she would like to happen (assuming she likes you). Maybe, just maybe, this guy likes purely as a friend. Maybe it is so because of your weight (that's something only he really knows) or simply because we humans are destined to only fall in love with a few people in our life time among the billions on the planet, and to him you're not one of those few.
Bottom line is he's entitled to like you as friend, not as a lover, no matter how much you'd like it to be different. And if that's how he thinks about you, sex will not be part of the equation.
He tends to pick fights in order to get his point across
Tina, 39, from Atlanta, asks:
My boyfriend has a hard time expressing himself, he tends to pick fights in order to get his point across, or if he comes over to my house, he will not say, could you have dinner prepare. He will try to give me hints, instead of just saying I am hungry. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
He deals with you the only way he knows how: by talking to you like he did with his little pals in the playground. Emotionally he's a little boy trapped in a man's body.
You know his temperament. It takes two to fight. Refuse to be drawn into fights. When he gets argumentative tell him you're no longer going to argue with him and leave immediately when he picks a fight. Stay calm and just leave! Walk away! Refuse to engage in a fight. Don't give him the attention he craves. He only does it now because it works for him: the discussion is held on his terms; he can out shout you, I bet; it detracts from any wrong doing on his part; he probably gets you to give up eventually; but above all, it puts him control. And control is what his behavior is all about. Deny him all of that. Either you have a calm conversation or you're walking out.
Will it work? Probably not. The odds that you have the discipline to carry this out are also slim; much slimmer are the odds that he can change. But if you don't try, you can submit yourself to his anger and temper and bottle up your opinions. If you do, you will be a miserable woman, one of those terribly cranky middle-age women who dream of setting their partner's testicles on fire or cutting their peckers in half.
And why is it your responsibility to feed the guy? Let him starve if he doesn't speak his mind!
He's acting like a child and you're enabling the behavior. You have to risk losing him if you want him to lose these childish tendencies.
My boyfriend has a hard time expressing himself, he tends to pick fights in order to get his point across, or if he comes over to my house, he will not say, could you have dinner prepare. He will try to give me hints, instead of just saying I am hungry. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
He deals with you the only way he knows how: by talking to you like he did with his little pals in the playground. Emotionally he's a little boy trapped in a man's body.
You know his temperament. It takes two to fight. Refuse to be drawn into fights. When he gets argumentative tell him you're no longer going to argue with him and leave immediately when he picks a fight. Stay calm and just leave! Walk away! Refuse to engage in a fight. Don't give him the attention he craves. He only does it now because it works for him: the discussion is held on his terms; he can out shout you, I bet; it detracts from any wrong doing on his part; he probably gets you to give up eventually; but above all, it puts him control. And control is what his behavior is all about. Deny him all of that. Either you have a calm conversation or you're walking out.
Will it work? Probably not. The odds that you have the discipline to carry this out are also slim; much slimmer are the odds that he can change. But if you don't try, you can submit yourself to his anger and temper and bottle up your opinions. If you do, you will be a miserable woman, one of those terribly cranky middle-age women who dream of setting their partner's testicles on fire or cutting their peckers in half.
And why is it your responsibility to feed the guy? Let him starve if he doesn't speak his mind!
He's acting like a child and you're enabling the behavior. You have to risk losing him if you want him to lose these childish tendencies.
He hardly asks about our son
Sarah, 22, from Oregon, asks:
My boyfreind/baby's daddy, moved out to OR, with me and our two month old son. After about a year and a half of ups and downs and rocky times, we stayed together but he decided to live with a freind and I moved with my parents. Now I am moving to Colorado, for a better job opportunity and he decided to go back to our home state AZ. He said it was because he missed his family and he wanted to save money and then decide where we would live, and he also threw in a marriage proposal complete with ring and in front of his entire family. Now he's gone. He calls once every couple weeks, keeps it brief, and hardly asks about our son..WTF??
VictorM's advice:
You can't rule out that his feelings for you have changed, but absent more concrete examples, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.
Guys generally hate the phone and aren't as clingy with repetitive phrases as girls like them to be (I miss you... I miss you so much... I really miss you... Oh I miss you so... four, five times an hour... come on, it's just annoying), and he knows that if there's anything about his son he needs to know you'll tell him.
I know, it sounds a bit cold and distant, but his behavior is very consistent with the male view of the world. I'm not saying you should be happy about it, just realize that guys don't have the same needs as females, specially moms, do. Just because he doesn't call as often as you'd like or asks the questions you think he should, doesn't mean he doesn't care.
My boyfreind/baby's daddy, moved out to OR, with me and our two month old son. After about a year and a half of ups and downs and rocky times, we stayed together but he decided to live with a freind and I moved with my parents. Now I am moving to Colorado, for a better job opportunity and he decided to go back to our home state AZ. He said it was because he missed his family and he wanted to save money and then decide where we would live, and he also threw in a marriage proposal complete with ring and in front of his entire family. Now he's gone. He calls once every couple weeks, keeps it brief, and hardly asks about our son..WTF??
VictorM's advice:
You can't rule out that his feelings for you have changed, but absent more concrete examples, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.
Guys generally hate the phone and aren't as clingy with repetitive phrases as girls like them to be (I miss you... I miss you so much... I really miss you... Oh I miss you so... four, five times an hour... come on, it's just annoying), and he knows that if there's anything about his son he needs to know you'll tell him.
I know, it sounds a bit cold and distant, but his behavior is very consistent with the male view of the world. I'm not saying you should be happy about it, just realize that guys don't have the same needs as females, specially moms, do. Just because he doesn't call as often as you'd like or asks the questions you think he should, doesn't mean he doesn't care.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
What if you want a relationship but he doesn't?
marie, 17, from brockton, ma, asks:
If you finally find a guy that you want to be with and you are ready to get in a relationship, and he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship. What should you do?
VictorM's advice:
You respect his wishes and treat him nicely.
He could change his mind.
If you finally find a guy that you want to be with and you are ready to get in a relationship, and he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship. What should you do?
VictorM's advice:
You respect his wishes and treat him nicely.
He could change his mind.
I want my ex back
Ali, 21, from England, asks:
Hey, I'd really like some advice. I want my ex back. We had been together for a year and a half then two months ago I broke up with him because I was confused about whether I still wanted to be with him. Anyway, after a few weeks I realised I had made a mistake, I really missed him and being apart from him made me realise how much I loved him and wanted to be with him still. I told him this and he said he didn't want us to go out anymore. I've seen him a few times since and every time I see him we end up being together again and acting as a couple and it is always him who makes the first move. I asked him if we could try again but he said no he didn't want to be in a relationship, he wanted to be able to do what he wants when he wants. Since then I've not seen him and have just spoken to him briefly through text messages. Thing is I don't want to give up on us, he hasn't been with anyone else since we broke up and it doesn't seem like that's why he wants to be single. If you were a guy in his position what could the girl do to completely blow you away again and make you want to be with her? I am open to any suggestions you might have, and what should I definately not do? I really love this guy and throughout our relationship he was always so in love with me and I know he still has feelings for me from how he acts when he is with me, he says he's just not sure about a lot of things at the moment. Please help me. A few steps on how to make him want me back would be great oh and our paths never cross unless we arrange to meet, thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I totally understand his reluctance to get back together with you. Guys are less forgiving about stuff like this. To satisfy his bruised ego he's going to want to "punish" you for dumping him. He's now in a position of power over you and could abuse it, particularly if he gets to enjoy you as a girlfriend while he's with you and not have to act as your boyfriend when he's away from you.
Since you are the one that dumped him, you might want to show him that you really want him back, but don't go overboard. You should consider expressing your interest in him but WITHOUT giving him the perks that only a boyfriend gets. Think about it: why should he rush back to you if he's getting all he wants from you now?
Hey, I'd really like some advice. I want my ex back. We had been together for a year and a half then two months ago I broke up with him because I was confused about whether I still wanted to be with him. Anyway, after a few weeks I realised I had made a mistake, I really missed him and being apart from him made me realise how much I loved him and wanted to be with him still. I told him this and he said he didn't want us to go out anymore. I've seen him a few times since and every time I see him we end up being together again and acting as a couple and it is always him who makes the first move. I asked him if we could try again but he said no he didn't want to be in a relationship, he wanted to be able to do what he wants when he wants. Since then I've not seen him and have just spoken to him briefly through text messages. Thing is I don't want to give up on us, he hasn't been with anyone else since we broke up and it doesn't seem like that's why he wants to be single. If you were a guy in his position what could the girl do to completely blow you away again and make you want to be with her? I am open to any suggestions you might have, and what should I definately not do? I really love this guy and throughout our relationship he was always so in love with me and I know he still has feelings for me from how he acts when he is with me, he says he's just not sure about a lot of things at the moment. Please help me. A few steps on how to make him want me back would be great oh and our paths never cross unless we arrange to meet, thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I totally understand his reluctance to get back together with you. Guys are less forgiving about stuff like this. To satisfy his bruised ego he's going to want to "punish" you for dumping him. He's now in a position of power over you and could abuse it, particularly if he gets to enjoy you as a girlfriend while he's with you and not have to act as your boyfriend when he's away from you.
Since you are the one that dumped him, you might want to show him that you really want him back, but don't go overboard. You should consider expressing your interest in him but WITHOUT giving him the perks that only a boyfriend gets. Think about it: why should he rush back to you if he's getting all he wants from you now?
My friend who asked him if he liked me lied
Lorraine, 19, from San Fransico, asks:
I like this guy named Alex in P.E. class. A couple of my friends went to go talk to him today Tuesday. He said he already has a girlfriend. Should I forget about him and move on? He knows me, which is good. But, it would be hard to forget him because he is adorable. I asked my other friend before all this to talk to him. He said he talked to him and Alex liked me. Come to find out my friend who asked him if he liked me lied. It hurts so much and people don't get it. Please Help. Really confused!
Thank-you
Lorraine
VictorM's advice:
Well, as they say, live and learn. Next time, don't rely on friends for this sorta thing.
Your friend meant well but screwed-up. The truth, however, is that your friend didn't alter the main fact you need to focus on: the guy has a girlfriend, he's not going to like anyone else, not just you. So don't take it personally.
Who knows what he would think if he ever breaks up with her. So, get to know him, be friendly because you never know, you could get your chance with him still. But until then, and just in case it never happens, see other guys.
I like this guy named Alex in P.E. class. A couple of my friends went to go talk to him today Tuesday. He said he already has a girlfriend. Should I forget about him and move on? He knows me, which is good. But, it would be hard to forget him because he is adorable. I asked my other friend before all this to talk to him. He said he talked to him and Alex liked me. Come to find out my friend who asked him if he liked me lied. It hurts so much and people don't get it. Please Help. Really confused!
Thank-you
Lorraine
VictorM's advice:
Well, as they say, live and learn. Next time, don't rely on friends for this sorta thing.
Your friend meant well but screwed-up. The truth, however, is that your friend didn't alter the main fact you need to focus on: the guy has a girlfriend, he's not going to like anyone else, not just you. So don't take it personally.
Who knows what he would think if he ever breaks up with her. So, get to know him, be friendly because you never know, you could get your chance with him still. But until then, and just in case it never happens, see other guys.
A break-up after a "yes"
Lauren, 13, from Virginia, asks:
What do I do when a guy asks me out and I say yes but then he breaks up with me a few hours later?
VictorM's advice:
Buy a voodoo doll and stick needles in its crotch and curse him with hellish pain.
Then move on to the next boy; this one is an idiot.
What do I do when a guy asks me out and I say yes but then he breaks up with me a few hours later?
VictorM's advice:
Buy a voodoo doll and stick needles in its crotch and curse him with hellish pain.
Then move on to the next boy; this one is an idiot.
GOOD tension in the relationship
Bekkah, from Texas, asks:
I know you say a million times that once a guy knows you like him, he'll stop trying because you are no longer a challenge. I agree with you. However, is there a way that once you are with a guy, to continue to be a challenge? What are some ways to keep a guy's attention and keep him guessing? I'm not a big fan of flirting with other guys just to make mine jealous, I just figure there has to be another way to maintain a little bit of GOOD tension in the relationship. (Sex stuff is not what I'm asking about, I'm already a pro at keeping a guys attention in that area haha).
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, no flirting with other guys, no tests, and no mind games.
Start with looking to catch your guy doing something right rather than something wrong. That is, praise him and rewarding him when he does something that you consider took extra effort on his part and stop reprimanding him when he doesn't do it.
For example, if you want to go to a nightclub and he doesn't, say: "No problem, I'll go with the girls". No tricks, no teasing guys, but you certainly can invite your girl friends, dress nice, and go. When you come back tell him: "I had a nice time but it would have been more fun with you... maybe next time?" Even if he never catches on, at least you can have fun with friends.
Of course, there is a limit. At some point, if he doesn't respond, you have to ask yourself if this guy is right for you. Don't make the mistake of being with a guy that takes too much energy to mold to what you'd like.
I know you say a million times that once a guy knows you like him, he'll stop trying because you are no longer a challenge. I agree with you. However, is there a way that once you are with a guy, to continue to be a challenge? What are some ways to keep a guy's attention and keep him guessing? I'm not a big fan of flirting with other guys just to make mine jealous, I just figure there has to be another way to maintain a little bit of GOOD tension in the relationship. (Sex stuff is not what I'm asking about, I'm already a pro at keeping a guys attention in that area haha).
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, no flirting with other guys, no tests, and no mind games.
Start with looking to catch your guy doing something right rather than something wrong. That is, praise him and rewarding him when he does something that you consider took extra effort on his part and stop reprimanding him when he doesn't do it.
For example, if you want to go to a nightclub and he doesn't, say: "No problem, I'll go with the girls". No tricks, no teasing guys, but you certainly can invite your girl friends, dress nice, and go. When you come back tell him: "I had a nice time but it would have been more fun with you... maybe next time?" Even if he never catches on, at least you can have fun with friends.
Of course, there is a limit. At some point, if he doesn't respond, you have to ask yourself if this guy is right for you. Don't make the mistake of being with a guy that takes too much energy to mold to what you'd like.
I just feel he is like a yo yo
lola, 45, from galveston, asks:
It's been a year now and I get the looks, a few phone calls, praise, a few dinners/lunches, and even breakfast but this shy guy falls short of touching me or kissing me and I'm so hungry for him. Yeah, sure he has kids and so do I but I just feel he is like a yo yo... one minute he is into me, the next he isn't too sure what he wants... now if something good comes along in the meantime I'm there, but nothing beats this guy as far as I'm concerned... he is a wonderful friend but I'm ripe and ready for more. What do you reackon I do to attract him hard and solid to me?
VictorM's advice:
After a year of no kissing and no touching, you need to accept that he just isn't into you romantically. All he wants from you is friendship. Stop wasting your time hoping for more.
It's been a year now and I get the looks, a few phone calls, praise, a few dinners/lunches, and even breakfast but this shy guy falls short of touching me or kissing me and I'm so hungry for him. Yeah, sure he has kids and so do I but I just feel he is like a yo yo... one minute he is into me, the next he isn't too sure what he wants... now if something good comes along in the meantime I'm there, but nothing beats this guy as far as I'm concerned... he is a wonderful friend but I'm ripe and ready for more. What do you reackon I do to attract him hard and solid to me?
VictorM's advice:
After a year of no kissing and no touching, you need to accept that he just isn't into you romantically. All he wants from you is friendship. Stop wasting your time hoping for more.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Why is it that guys are such assholes?
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
Why is it that guys are such assholes? I mean, us girls are easy to work out, give us gifts, compliments and be nice to us in a relationship. But men, either want a girl but cheat on her or want to screw everything they see? I just don't get yous at all! In fact we love to hate yous!
VictorM's advice:
You think that hating guys is going to attract the good ones to you? No wonder you run into assholes; you're getting what you deserve.
And you're not so easy... there's the gifts, the poems, the letters, the emails, the text messages, the phone calls, all the birthdays and anniversaries, the random days when we should surprise you, the romantic weekends, the flowers, the candy, the books, the special music playing on that day 10 years ago when we first kissed, the touching in public, etc. etc. but not just that, these things need to happen on certain days, at certain times, for certain durations and need to say just what you expect to ear, otherwise, we just don't do the right little things that keep you oh so happy, like in a heroine in a romance novel.
Make no mistake about it, guys are much easier, much simpler, more test-free, and a lot less demanding.
Why is it that guys are such assholes? I mean, us girls are easy to work out, give us gifts, compliments and be nice to us in a relationship. But men, either want a girl but cheat on her or want to screw everything they see? I just don't get yous at all! In fact we love to hate yous!
VictorM's advice:
You think that hating guys is going to attract the good ones to you? No wonder you run into assholes; you're getting what you deserve.
And you're not so easy... there's the gifts, the poems, the letters, the emails, the text messages, the phone calls, all the birthdays and anniversaries, the random days when we should surprise you, the romantic weekends, the flowers, the candy, the books, the special music playing on that day 10 years ago when we first kissed, the touching in public, etc. etc. but not just that, these things need to happen on certain days, at certain times, for certain durations and need to say just what you expect to ear, otherwise, we just don't do the right little things that keep you oh so happy, like in a heroine in a romance novel.
Make no mistake about it, guys are much easier, much simpler, more test-free, and a lot less demanding.
Have been in a 'buddy' thing with my ex
Claire, 24, from United Kingdom, asks:
Hi there. Okay here goes!
I have been in a 'buddy' thing with my ex from three years ago for about 6 months now and I have to say we are more and more explosive in the bedroom the more we get together. He knows I want more from him and I know he's said he's not rushing another relationship ever again because of bad ones in the past and that he's not ready for another one at the moment but that 'you never know', it would just be if and when he's ready so to keep it fun. He never tells me how he feels but he has started to do things like pick me up in the air to kiss me, grinding like a cheshire cat before I leave his house and stroking my back when we are watching TV and making me text him to make sure I get home (I live 5-minutes walk and drove to his house so I don't get why he wants that!). He also held my coat for me to put it on the other night at his house (the only place I see him), I was that shocked I didn't realise what he was doing until he said (whoops). He is keeping what we are doing a secret from everyone so that I don't get called names but said he's not ashamed of me he just doesn't want people knowing his business (he's one of the "I don't let my feelings out people" and he got stick when we were together because people think I'm too good for him). He knows I accept him how he is. Oh, we broke up previously because he wasn't ready (he was only 21/22 nearly and I was just 21) really I don't think we should care anymore but there's always been something there even though I didn't sleep with him the first time around (dunno why!) anyway.... story over....
Do you think I should just let him have time to figure out what he wants, not rush him into anything and just go with the flow and fun at the moment and let him decide when he's ready for us to be together properly if thats what he wants?
Or am I just wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Let's be clear: you're his fuck buddy. Nothing more, nothing less. As long as you accept that, and that's all you expect, it's your call if it's a waste of time or not.
Your friends can see it (they think you're too good for him and even; I'm sure they have good reasons for saying that ), and it's amazing to me that you're so overwhelmed by a guy helping you with your coat, meaning you have very low standards. Amazing also that you accept his reasons for keeping your sex meetings a secret, meaning you're a very naive young lady.
Nothing will come off this arrangement but sex. Period! End of story!
Hi there. Okay here goes!
I have been in a 'buddy' thing with my ex from three years ago for about 6 months now and I have to say we are more and more explosive in the bedroom the more we get together. He knows I want more from him and I know he's said he's not rushing another relationship ever again because of bad ones in the past and that he's not ready for another one at the moment but that 'you never know', it would just be if and when he's ready so to keep it fun. He never tells me how he feels but he has started to do things like pick me up in the air to kiss me, grinding like a cheshire cat before I leave his house and stroking my back when we are watching TV and making me text him to make sure I get home (I live 5-minutes walk and drove to his house so I don't get why he wants that!). He also held my coat for me to put it on the other night at his house (the only place I see him), I was that shocked I didn't realise what he was doing until he said (whoops). He is keeping what we are doing a secret from everyone so that I don't get called names but said he's not ashamed of me he just doesn't want people knowing his business (he's one of the "I don't let my feelings out people" and he got stick when we were together because people think I'm too good for him). He knows I accept him how he is. Oh, we broke up previously because he wasn't ready (he was only 21/22 nearly and I was just 21) really I don't think we should care anymore but there's always been something there even though I didn't sleep with him the first time around (dunno why!) anyway.... story over....
Do you think I should just let him have time to figure out what he wants, not rush him into anything and just go with the flow and fun at the moment and let him decide when he's ready for us to be together properly if thats what he wants?
Or am I just wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Let's be clear: you're his fuck buddy. Nothing more, nothing less. As long as you accept that, and that's all you expect, it's your call if it's a waste of time or not.
Your friends can see it (they think you're too good for him and even; I'm sure they have good reasons for saying that ), and it's amazing to me that you're so overwhelmed by a guy helping you with your coat, meaning you have very low standards. Amazing also that you accept his reasons for keeping your sex meetings a secret, meaning you're a very naive young lady.
Nothing will come off this arrangement but sex. Period! End of story!
HE wanted ME to break up with him!
Mariana, 22, from Argentina, asks:
hi =) first of all, thanks for the advice. I said I was going to talk to him and I was about to, but somehow he jumped ahead. I was going to tell him I couldn't stay in a relationship where I didn't special and blah blah blah. Imagine my surprise when I met him: HE wanted ME to break up with him! How come? To sum up a long conversation, he basically said he wasn't good enough for me. He said he wasn't saying this because he didn't care for me, but because of that he knew he wasn't good for me.
Sounds like the "it's not you, it's me" classic. I would have thought so too if it hadn't been for the fact that at the end of the day, after we both said what he had to, he asked me for a 2nd chance to show me that he really has strong feelings for me. Apparently his family and friends think I'm a good and serious girl who's focused and responsible and they don't see him that way. And yes… he’s stupid and lazy enough to believe that.
I gave him the 2nd chance and now he's really trying. I'm not assuming he’s an insecure guy. I know it from all the stuff he told me the other day. I’m insecure too, with very low self-esteem and I never fell in love with anyone because I keep holding myself back . He’s also holding back (he told me about some red roses he bought for me one time and never dared to give them to me, for example) and the point to this whole chapter is to ask how do I deal with someone who’s insecure? Because I’m too proud sometimes but on the other hand I don’t find pride as a bad thing in general. I just don’t know where the line is. Help?
VictorM's advice:
His family thinks you're a nice girl? Do they know you're a Vélez Sársfield supporter? (Kidding!!)
Well Mariana, from comments you've made in this blog and in the ARGville forum, I can understand why he's insecure around you. I know you say you have self=esteem issues, but that doesn't come across in your statements. You do seem very intelligent and thoughtful. I can understand why it's a bit difficult for him to believe he's good enough.
But as you described your conversation with him, I can understand his thought process. When pondering the situation alone he feels overwhelmed by you and the easiest (remember, he's lazy) way out is to break-up with you. But, I suspect your guy is quite bright too, so when he's actually talking to you, he realizes that losing you would be dumb. So he asked for a second chance and is trying harder.
You can help him build his confidence around with you sincere and short compliments. Find topics he's very good at (math, science, sports, etc.) and bring those topics up from time to time giving him the chance to prove how much he knows. Then compliment him... "how do you know all that?" "You're so amazing", "That is so smart", "I'm so impressed"... that sort of thing. And yes, the word "so" (or the equivalent in Spanish) is very important. Also, if there are things he feels inferior or inadequate about, try to boost his confidence in those areas, but make sure you're sincere about it.
Feeling that he's impressing you will probably be the biggest boost to his confidence.
PS. Congratulations on Argentina moving to the number one spot in the world according to FIFA's rankings.
hi =) first of all, thanks for the advice. I said I was going to talk to him and I was about to, but somehow he jumped ahead. I was going to tell him I couldn't stay in a relationship where I didn't special and blah blah blah. Imagine my surprise when I met him: HE wanted ME to break up with him! How come? To sum up a long conversation, he basically said he wasn't good enough for me. He said he wasn't saying this because he didn't care for me, but because of that he knew he wasn't good for me.
Sounds like the "it's not you, it's me" classic. I would have thought so too if it hadn't been for the fact that at the end of the day, after we both said what he had to, he asked me for a 2nd chance to show me that he really has strong feelings for me. Apparently his family and friends think I'm a good and serious girl who's focused and responsible and they don't see him that way. And yes… he’s stupid and lazy enough to believe that.
I gave him the 2nd chance and now he's really trying. I'm not assuming he’s an insecure guy. I know it from all the stuff he told me the other day. I’m insecure too, with very low self-esteem and I never fell in love with anyone because I keep holding myself back . He’s also holding back (he told me about some red roses he bought for me one time and never dared to give them to me, for example) and the point to this whole chapter is to ask how do I deal with someone who’s insecure? Because I’m too proud sometimes but on the other hand I don’t find pride as a bad thing in general. I just don’t know where the line is. Help?
VictorM's advice:
His family thinks you're a nice girl? Do they know you're a Vélez Sársfield supporter? (Kidding!!)
Well Mariana, from comments you've made in this blog and in the ARGville forum, I can understand why he's insecure around you. I know you say you have self=esteem issues, but that doesn't come across in your statements. You do seem very intelligent and thoughtful. I can understand why it's a bit difficult for him to believe he's good enough.
But as you described your conversation with him, I can understand his thought process. When pondering the situation alone he feels overwhelmed by you and the easiest (remember, he's lazy) way out is to break-up with you. But, I suspect your guy is quite bright too, so when he's actually talking to you, he realizes that losing you would be dumb. So he asked for a second chance and is trying harder.
You can help him build his confidence around with you sincere and short compliments. Find topics he's very good at (math, science, sports, etc.) and bring those topics up from time to time giving him the chance to prove how much he knows. Then compliment him... "how do you know all that?" "You're so amazing", "That is so smart", "I'm so impressed"... that sort of thing. And yes, the word "so" (or the equivalent in Spanish) is very important. Also, if there are things he feels inferior or inadequate about, try to boost his confidence in those areas, but make sure you're sincere about it.
Feeling that he's impressing you will probably be the biggest boost to his confidence.
PS. Congratulations on Argentina moving to the number one spot in the world according to FIFA's rankings.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Why do guys become players?
Janelle, 15, from california, asks:
Do guys that are players ever change? I've liked this guy for awhile but I keep holding myself back because he is a player. I always have these fantasies that he will change but I'm not sure. Also, why do guys become players? Wouldn't they rather have one girl to themselves?
VictorM's advice:
Most guys, specially around your age, are not ready to settle with one girl. It's like you going to a shoe store and trying only one pair of shoes. Not likely, is it? There are a lot of other reasons why a guy may like lots of girls, mostly having to do with sexual attraction, because as he's looking for experience, variety is a plus. You learn a lot more being with many girls than you do with just one. Remember, at this time guys aren't looking for the girl they'll marry; they're just looking to excite the toy they found between their legs.
Guys generally "play" (meaning, go from girl to girl) until such time as they find one that truly stands out. Until they find her, what else are they suppose to do? Sit at home and knit? No! They go out and date girls looking for Ms. Right.
Most guys change once they find a girl worth changing for. Some guys never do. Your job is to weed out the ones that never do and hope the guy that you settle on is willing to also settle. Getting that perfect match is not easy, more so when you're only 15-years old.
Do guys that are players ever change? I've liked this guy for awhile but I keep holding myself back because he is a player. I always have these fantasies that he will change but I'm not sure. Also, why do guys become players? Wouldn't they rather have one girl to themselves?
VictorM's advice:
Most guys, specially around your age, are not ready to settle with one girl. It's like you going to a shoe store and trying only one pair of shoes. Not likely, is it? There are a lot of other reasons why a guy may like lots of girls, mostly having to do with sexual attraction, because as he's looking for experience, variety is a plus. You learn a lot more being with many girls than you do with just one. Remember, at this time guys aren't looking for the girl they'll marry; they're just looking to excite the toy they found between their legs.
Guys generally "play" (meaning, go from girl to girl) until such time as they find one that truly stands out. Until they find her, what else are they suppose to do? Sit at home and knit? No! They go out and date girls looking for Ms. Right.
Most guys change once they find a girl worth changing for. Some guys never do. Your job is to weed out the ones that never do and hope the guy that you settle on is willing to also settle. Getting that perfect match is not easy, more so when you're only 15-years old.
Why can't he just be true to his word?
jane, 20, from florida, asks:
Why can't he just be true to his word?
OK, this guy I have known for about two years now has just recently let me know he likes me a lot. We met one night a long time ago and since we live far apart we always talk online. And he comes to visit every now and then but not too often. I hadn’t really talked to him for awhile but two weeks ago he was up late and so was I and he instant messaged me. He started venting about a lot of stress he was going through and he told me he wished I was there right now with him. I couldn't believe everything he was saying. I have liked this guy so much for like the past 2 years but always thought he never liked me more than a friend and now here he is spilling his heart out to me online. He kept saying things like "where do we go from here?" and I know I haven't been the nicest guy but I want to change for you and saying he wants to be in a relationship. He said he wants to come and see me. I just sat there and watched everything he kept typing in complete shock. I didn't really know what to say but I was so glad he was finally saying all this because I've wanted him to like me always and he told me that he has liked me this whole time since we first met but he didn't know how to say it. He went on to say that he would do anything to prove to me that he is changed and wants to be better for me and hopes that I still like him as much as I used to. He told me he would call me and we would talk and start slow. He said so many things that were just letting me know he cares about me and wants to be in a relationship and he's sorry for the way he's acted by ignoring me but that he's finally able to express what he really feels honestly to me. He said he would call me the next day and we would talk more on the phone. This all happened at like 3 in the morning and the next day he sent me a text saying he was sorry he couldn't call me and he felt horrible because he was really busy that day. So I assumed he would just end up calling me later on the next day..Days turned into weeks and now 2 weeks from that night he poured out his soul to me, he hasn't talked to me since.. I have sent him a couple of texts and he responded saying he was busy. I don't understand what happened. He said so much that he wanted to be in a relationship yet he hasn't communicated with me once since than. Did I do something wrong? Did he change his mind? After all of this why couldn't he just be true to his word? What should I do? I am stressing out constantly wondering what has happened and why he won't speak to me...any advice will help me! I like him so much and this hurts so bad that he is avoiding me.
VictorM's advice:
Ah... those early morning "confessions" after a stressful day (who knows, maybe compounded by alcohol?) and I'm sure it all sounded so reassuring that night... to have a girlfriend who really likes him... the peace... the stability... how wonderful.
Then he slept on it. He rested. Stress (and maybe alcohol) are out of his system...
"WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY? Oh no!!!! I mean, sure, she's a nice girl and I like her a lot and I know she really likes me... but... but... damn, I better be busy cause I don't know how to tell her I really don't mean now all that I said last night."
That more or less sums things up. He's not busy; he just doesn't know how to tell you he wants a do-over, that he wants to take it all back. At least for now.
You asked: "Why can't he just be true to his word?" Oh come on! He didn't make any calculated and premeditated promise; he just talked without thinking.
Your best bet is to email him or leave him a voice message and laugh about that night. Tell him that you know he didn't mean all of that he said and you hope he calls you back cause you have fun with him.
Of course, you could sit around waiting for him to stop being "busy". I hope you're willing to wait an eternity.
Why can't he just be true to his word?
OK, this guy I have known for about two years now has just recently let me know he likes me a lot. We met one night a long time ago and since we live far apart we always talk online. And he comes to visit every now and then but not too often. I hadn’t really talked to him for awhile but two weeks ago he was up late and so was I and he instant messaged me. He started venting about a lot of stress he was going through and he told me he wished I was there right now with him. I couldn't believe everything he was saying. I have liked this guy so much for like the past 2 years but always thought he never liked me more than a friend and now here he is spilling his heart out to me online. He kept saying things like "where do we go from here?" and I know I haven't been the nicest guy but I want to change for you and saying he wants to be in a relationship. He said he wants to come and see me. I just sat there and watched everything he kept typing in complete shock. I didn't really know what to say but I was so glad he was finally saying all this because I've wanted him to like me always and he told me that he has liked me this whole time since we first met but he didn't know how to say it. He went on to say that he would do anything to prove to me that he is changed and wants to be better for me and hopes that I still like him as much as I used to. He told me he would call me and we would talk and start slow. He said so many things that were just letting me know he cares about me and wants to be in a relationship and he's sorry for the way he's acted by ignoring me but that he's finally able to express what he really feels honestly to me. He said he would call me the next day and we would talk more on the phone. This all happened at like 3 in the morning and the next day he sent me a text saying he was sorry he couldn't call me and he felt horrible because he was really busy that day. So I assumed he would just end up calling me later on the next day..Days turned into weeks and now 2 weeks from that night he poured out his soul to me, he hasn't talked to me since.. I have sent him a couple of texts and he responded saying he was busy. I don't understand what happened. He said so much that he wanted to be in a relationship yet he hasn't communicated with me once since than. Did I do something wrong? Did he change his mind? After all of this why couldn't he just be true to his word? What should I do? I am stressing out constantly wondering what has happened and why he won't speak to me...any advice will help me! I like him so much and this hurts so bad that he is avoiding me.
VictorM's advice:
Ah... those early morning "confessions" after a stressful day (who knows, maybe compounded by alcohol?) and I'm sure it all sounded so reassuring that night... to have a girlfriend who really likes him... the peace... the stability... how wonderful.
Then he slept on it. He rested. Stress (and maybe alcohol) are out of his system...
"WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY? Oh no!!!! I mean, sure, she's a nice girl and I like her a lot and I know she really likes me... but... but... damn, I better be busy cause I don't know how to tell her I really don't mean now all that I said last night."
That more or less sums things up. He's not busy; he just doesn't know how to tell you he wants a do-over, that he wants to take it all back. At least for now.
You asked: "Why can't he just be true to his word?" Oh come on! He didn't make any calculated and premeditated promise; he just talked without thinking.
Your best bet is to email him or leave him a voice message and laugh about that night. Tell him that you know he didn't mean all of that he said and you hope he calls you back cause you have fun with him.
Of course, you could sit around waiting for him to stop being "busy". I hope you're willing to wait an eternity.
According to him I should still be in bed crying my eyes out
sally james, 27, from leeds england, asks:
I had been seeing my boyfriend for over 6 years. He always went on about me being too good for him and said that one day I would leave him. Last year we bought a house together. Although I loved him dearly, we had never really got the bedroom action right. It was OK for him but terrible for me. I tried to make it right, but in the end gave up and we didn't have sex for 9 months. I mistakenly thought my drive had gone because I had put on a bit of weight. But really it was because of the above.
As he's a teacher he had the summer all to himself. He hooked up with old friends, single friends and they showed him what he was missing. He then split up with me. Saying that it was a trial separation of 6months, that he would move out in order to get the romance back, but that he couldn't promise he wouldn't see other people.
I was devastated for 2 weeks and tried everything to get him back. During this period he slept with someone else and told me about it, then tried to have sex with me. That's when I got over it and have since been fine. I deserve better. I've always had good self esteem due to good friends and a loving family.
He decided to continue dating even though he still lived in our house and insisted on always letting me know what he had been up to. I thought this was disrespectful but because I was over it I didn't show any emotion. Now I know he doesn't love me anymore, it's a fact. But he can't handle the fact that I'm okay with it too. According to him I should still be in bed crying my eyes out. It causes endless arguments and games on his part. He does everything to try and make me act like I care. Why? He dumped me.
VictorM's advice:
Two reasons:
1. Ego.
2. This guy is a selfish and disrespectful individual.
Sure, he dumped you but that wasn't enough for him; he needs to see you feeling miserable, which is why he tells you all these stories. You're now seeing the man's true soul. Ugly, huh? Good thing you're over him.
PS. Unrelated to your question, seeing the name "Leeds" saddens me because of Leeds United. Such a big name when I was growing up and look where they are now? (I trust you'll know what I mean even if no one else will).
I had been seeing my boyfriend for over 6 years. He always went on about me being too good for him and said that one day I would leave him. Last year we bought a house together. Although I loved him dearly, we had never really got the bedroom action right. It was OK for him but terrible for me. I tried to make it right, but in the end gave up and we didn't have sex for 9 months. I mistakenly thought my drive had gone because I had put on a bit of weight. But really it was because of the above.
As he's a teacher he had the summer all to himself. He hooked up with old friends, single friends and they showed him what he was missing. He then split up with me. Saying that it was a trial separation of 6months, that he would move out in order to get the romance back, but that he couldn't promise he wouldn't see other people.
I was devastated for 2 weeks and tried everything to get him back. During this period he slept with someone else and told me about it, then tried to have sex with me. That's when I got over it and have since been fine. I deserve better. I've always had good self esteem due to good friends and a loving family.
He decided to continue dating even though he still lived in our house and insisted on always letting me know what he had been up to. I thought this was disrespectful but because I was over it I didn't show any emotion. Now I know he doesn't love me anymore, it's a fact. But he can't handle the fact that I'm okay with it too. According to him I should still be in bed crying my eyes out. It causes endless arguments and games on his part. He does everything to try and make me act like I care. Why? He dumped me.
VictorM's advice:
Two reasons:
1. Ego.
2. This guy is a selfish and disrespectful individual.
Sure, he dumped you but that wasn't enough for him; he needs to see you feeling miserable, which is why he tells you all these stories. You're now seeing the man's true soul. Ugly, huh? Good thing you're over him.
PS. Unrelated to your question, seeing the name "Leeds" saddens me because of Leeds United. Such a big name when I was growing up and look where they are now? (I trust you'll know what I mean even if no one else will).
All of a sudden he became busy
Someone, 24, from Somewhere, asks:
Hi Victor. I was the one who had the question about what do I do when the chase is over and the guy loses interest.
Well, this questions is about guy #2 from my earlier question. To give you some quick cliff notes, we had been in contact, everything was great, he kept telling me that I am growing on him, then all of a sudden he became busy. I had read your responses to other girls so I figured if he's too busy to contact me then maybe he lost interest. Plus it wasn't just the lack of quantity of his responses but also quality, his messages were not as sweet as they used to be. We are pretty straightforward with one another and when I brought up that he is less warm then he used to be, he said something along the lines of he's busy and and that he plans to be in the state that he's in for a few more years (we are both from the same area but his job took him to another state, he doesn't plan on living in that state forever only for 2-3 years which is fine with me because I will be busy with grad school for the next 2-3 years). After he said that, I was hurt, but didn't show it. I started wondering if he lost interest because the chase was over, etc. I was miserable but I tried to force thoughts of him out of my head. Well a week or so passed and last night he texts me with this message: hey cutie, haven't forgotten you by any means. Finally finished moving into my new place. Wanna rub a dub together? :). He also texted me with aww, miss seeing ur smile. I am so confused, help me understand what to make of this because just when I was trying to forget about this guy that I have very strong feelings for, he throws me for a loop with these messages.
PS.: I came to thinking that it is probably necessary to add some external factors about the guy I have questions about whom I'm interested in. One thing about him that bugs me is that he used to be in a long term relationship and him he and his ex are still really great friends. Exes belong in the past and part of me wishes he broke up on bad terms but anyway what could you do. I see them commenting on each other's wall or him posting albums with groups of friends that includes pics of him and his ex. I brought up my concerns in the past and let him know I don't want to be his rebound and he told me, been there, done that with the rebound. The other factor that bugs me about him is that a friend of mine warned me that he's a player and that in the past he used to hit on her as well. She said him and his ex always break up and get back together. I slightly touched on the fact that was was called a player by this one girl and he said she is not really his type and they don't think the same. I really don't know but I do have my suspicions about him being a player or maybe still wanting to get back with his ex after all, they've been together forever.
VictorM's advice:
Exes don't have to break-up and become enemies, but staying very close friends as you describe? Not a good sign. Between that, him being "busy", his frequent break-ups and reconciliations with his ex, and his player reputation, you have quite a few red flags dangling in front of your nose. A sensible reaction would be to walk away. But matters of the heart aren't always sensible.
If you act on those red flags and rule him out will you wonder if you did the right thing? Unless you're 100% convinced now that he's not the guy for you, give him another chance and remove any doubt. Even if things go wrong again, the heartache that will follow for a while will be easier to endure than a lifetime of wondering "what if". Chances are that in the long run you will not regret giving him another chance, but you might regret not having tried again.
Either way you go, your eyes are open now. Proceed with caution.
Hi Victor. I was the one who had the question about what do I do when the chase is over and the guy loses interest.
Well, this questions is about guy #2 from my earlier question. To give you some quick cliff notes, we had been in contact, everything was great, he kept telling me that I am growing on him, then all of a sudden he became busy. I had read your responses to other girls so I figured if he's too busy to contact me then maybe he lost interest. Plus it wasn't just the lack of quantity of his responses but also quality, his messages were not as sweet as they used to be. We are pretty straightforward with one another and when I brought up that he is less warm then he used to be, he said something along the lines of he's busy and and that he plans to be in the state that he's in for a few more years (we are both from the same area but his job took him to another state, he doesn't plan on living in that state forever only for 2-3 years which is fine with me because I will be busy with grad school for the next 2-3 years). After he said that, I was hurt, but didn't show it. I started wondering if he lost interest because the chase was over, etc. I was miserable but I tried to force thoughts of him out of my head. Well a week or so passed and last night he texts me with this message: hey cutie, haven't forgotten you by any means. Finally finished moving into my new place. Wanna rub a dub together? :). He also texted me with aww, miss seeing ur smile. I am so confused, help me understand what to make of this because just when I was trying to forget about this guy that I have very strong feelings for, he throws me for a loop with these messages.
PS.: I came to thinking that it is probably necessary to add some external factors about the guy I have questions about whom I'm interested in. One thing about him that bugs me is that he used to be in a long term relationship and him he and his ex are still really great friends. Exes belong in the past and part of me wishes he broke up on bad terms but anyway what could you do. I see them commenting on each other's wall or him posting albums with groups of friends that includes pics of him and his ex. I brought up my concerns in the past and let him know I don't want to be his rebound and he told me, been there, done that with the rebound. The other factor that bugs me about him is that a friend of mine warned me that he's a player and that in the past he used to hit on her as well. She said him and his ex always break up and get back together. I slightly touched on the fact that was was called a player by this one girl and he said she is not really his type and they don't think the same. I really don't know but I do have my suspicions about him being a player or maybe still wanting to get back with his ex after all, they've been together forever.
VictorM's advice:
Exes don't have to break-up and become enemies, but staying very close friends as you describe? Not a good sign. Between that, him being "busy", his frequent break-ups and reconciliations with his ex, and his player reputation, you have quite a few red flags dangling in front of your nose. A sensible reaction would be to walk away. But matters of the heart aren't always sensible.
If you act on those red flags and rule him out will you wonder if you did the right thing? Unless you're 100% convinced now that he's not the guy for you, give him another chance and remove any doubt. Even if things go wrong again, the heartache that will follow for a while will be easier to endure than a lifetime of wondering "what if". Chances are that in the long run you will not regret giving him another chance, but you might regret not having tried again.
Either way you go, your eyes are open now. Proceed with caution.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I've just never dated an American before
Karina, 18, from NJ, asks:
Helppp! I have been hooking up with a guy from my school for about a month now. He is American, and I am Russian. I am NOT nationality crazy, I've just never dated an American before. My problem is we are completely different. He likes house parties and school stuff. I like going out to lounges and places in the city. My whole world doesn't revolve around the people in school. His does. We are fine, except for the fact that we both feel we live in different worlds. He doesn't like doing things I do, and I don't like doing things he does. The chemistry is amazing though. We also think differently. He thinks it's okay to still chill with his ex girlfriend from 2 years ago while I'm sitting at home doing nothing, and I feel it's inappropriate. I tell him at least one ex will have feelings for the other, but he tells me that's not the case. He even told me they were hooking up before me and him were. I'm not jealous, I'm not sad. I just think it's not right. He said he didn't go hang out with her, but I don't care. He made it seem like he was doing me a favor. I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I feel he should be dying to be with me.. all his friends are. He also thinks I'm supposed to sit at home and cry about it, and I don't. I go out, I have fun, and I have a life with or without him. He thought it was weird that he didnt go with his ex and I went out anyway. He figured I would sit home and be sad. How can I get him to see my point of view more clearly?
VictorM's advice:
You made an accusation about the reason why him and his ex see each other. By doing so, you invited him to be defensive about it instead of encouraging a healthy discussion.
If you think it's inappropriate that he sees her, you should specify your reasons, not assume that you know what each of them is thinking and feeling, when in fact, you do not. Tell him about how him seeing her makes you feel. If not jealous, than what? If not neglected, then what? But you should talk about how it makes you feel.
He's not facing the truth about why he sees her and you're not facing the truth about why it bothers you.
Helppp! I have been hooking up with a guy from my school for about a month now. He is American, and I am Russian. I am NOT nationality crazy, I've just never dated an American before. My problem is we are completely different. He likes house parties and school stuff. I like going out to lounges and places in the city. My whole world doesn't revolve around the people in school. His does. We are fine, except for the fact that we both feel we live in different worlds. He doesn't like doing things I do, and I don't like doing things he does. The chemistry is amazing though. We also think differently. He thinks it's okay to still chill with his ex girlfriend from 2 years ago while I'm sitting at home doing nothing, and I feel it's inappropriate. I tell him at least one ex will have feelings for the other, but he tells me that's not the case. He even told me they were hooking up before me and him were. I'm not jealous, I'm not sad. I just think it's not right. He said he didn't go hang out with her, but I don't care. He made it seem like he was doing me a favor. I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I feel he should be dying to be with me.. all his friends are. He also thinks I'm supposed to sit at home and cry about it, and I don't. I go out, I have fun, and I have a life with or without him. He thought it was weird that he didnt go with his ex and I went out anyway. He figured I would sit home and be sad. How can I get him to see my point of view more clearly?
VictorM's advice:
You made an accusation about the reason why him and his ex see each other. By doing so, you invited him to be defensive about it instead of encouraging a healthy discussion.
If you think it's inappropriate that he sees her, you should specify your reasons, not assume that you know what each of them is thinking and feeling, when in fact, you do not. Tell him about how him seeing her makes you feel. If not jealous, than what? If not neglected, then what? But you should talk about how it makes you feel.
He's not facing the truth about why he sees her and you're not facing the truth about why it bothers you.
Why would he talk about another girl all the time?
katherine, 33, from united states, asks:
Why would he talk about another girl all the time then spend all his free time with me and want to be touchy at times?
VictorM's advice:
Because he's not very bright?
Or maybe he hasn't gotten over her but hey, you've got tits and you're there. Those are all the reasons a guy needs.
Why would he talk about another girl all the time then spend all his free time with me and want to be touchy at times?
VictorM's advice:
Because he's not very bright?
Or maybe he hasn't gotten over her but hey, you've got tits and you're there. Those are all the reasons a guy needs.
I broke up with him two days ago
Danielle, 22, from Louisiana, asks:
Hi Vic! I really need some advice. I had been dating this guy for 3 months and we were boyfriend/girlfriend for only two weeks. I broke up with him two days ago and it's taking a slight toll on me. I suspect that he only got with me to have sex with me because I told him when we first met that I don't have sex with a guy unless we are in a relationship because I enjoy meaningful sex and I also told him that I don't jump into relationships, hence the three months of dating before an actual relationship. Anyway, I also suspect that he was embarrassed to be seen with me and it took me awhile to catch onto it. Like I said we were dating for almost four months and I never met any of his friends (he claimed he didn't have any when I first met him) and his mom (whom I also never met) came down for his birthday and he wanted to have sex with me while his mom was at his house! Also, whenever we went out we always went where no one would probably know him. He was overly affectionate in private and barely stood next to me in public. We talked everyday of the 3 1/2 of knowing each other so I thought he liked me. He really didn't start to act like this until after we got together. I just feel totally used and cheapen by him because I feel like he only wanted sex (which we only had twice), but I'm not sure why he stuck around for three months to get it. Let me add that I'm very satisfied with the way I look, but my self-esteem has been bruised a little because I wanted to be desirable to the man I was with. I have never been in a situation like this before so I don't know how to help myself feel better about it. Please help me to sort this out.
VictorM's advice:
You say you think he only wanted you for sex, and then you say you want to be desirable to the man... wouldn't he wanting to have sex with you -- and was so patient to get it -- mean he found you very desirable? I think so.
Hi Vic! I really need some advice. I had been dating this guy for 3 months and we were boyfriend/girlfriend for only two weeks. I broke up with him two days ago and it's taking a slight toll on me. I suspect that he only got with me to have sex with me because I told him when we first met that I don't have sex with a guy unless we are in a relationship because I enjoy meaningful sex and I also told him that I don't jump into relationships, hence the three months of dating before an actual relationship. Anyway, I also suspect that he was embarrassed to be seen with me and it took me awhile to catch onto it. Like I said we were dating for almost four months and I never met any of his friends (he claimed he didn't have any when I first met him) and his mom (whom I also never met) came down for his birthday and he wanted to have sex with me while his mom was at his house! Also, whenever we went out we always went where no one would probably know him. He was overly affectionate in private and barely stood next to me in public. We talked everyday of the 3 1/2 of knowing each other so I thought he liked me. He really didn't start to act like this until after we got together. I just feel totally used and cheapen by him because I feel like he only wanted sex (which we only had twice), but I'm not sure why he stuck around for three months to get it. Let me add that I'm very satisfied with the way I look, but my self-esteem has been bruised a little because I wanted to be desirable to the man I was with. I have never been in a situation like this before so I don't know how to help myself feel better about it. Please help me to sort this out.
VictorM's advice:
You say you think he only wanted you for sex, and then you say you want to be desirable to the man... wouldn't he wanting to have sex with you -- and was so patient to get it -- mean he found you very desirable? I think so.
Monday, October 22, 2007
My guy said he didn't like me like that
Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach, asks:
Hey Vic, it's me again, and to answer your last question yes, w/e does mean whatever. lol
And my question does come with a story but don't worry it's a small one. So my friend played detective for me and basically my guy said he didn't like me like that but when the question came of would he give me chance, he said quote "yea, probably". Now my friend says he was probably scared to tell her the truth being that he thought she might tell me. Now what did that mean? He said I was pretty and I was a cool friend but I'm not sure if that's saying much. What do you get from this and what should be my next move?
And once again thanks for your advice:)
VictorM's advice:
My advice is still the same as last time:
Sounds like he likes you but that doesn't mean he's ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, so he'll be friendly, stay close, and who knows, maybe he'll make a move when he's ready. Boys do take their time making a move so you have to be patient. Everything else is just you over analyzing what is very normal behavior for a boy.
Which part of "you have to be patient" didn't you understand? :)
He's trying to keep you and your friends at bay without pushing you too far. To me, it means you stand a good chance with him when he's ready for it. Meanwhile, continue to be friends with him and... BE PATIENT!
Hey Vic, it's me again, and to answer your last question yes, w/e does mean whatever. lol
And my question does come with a story but don't worry it's a small one. So my friend played detective for me and basically my guy said he didn't like me like that but when the question came of would he give me chance, he said quote "yea, probably". Now my friend says he was probably scared to tell her the truth being that he thought she might tell me. Now what did that mean? He said I was pretty and I was a cool friend but I'm not sure if that's saying much. What do you get from this and what should be my next move?
And once again thanks for your advice:)
VictorM's advice:
My advice is still the same as last time:
Sounds like he likes you but that doesn't mean he's ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, so he'll be friendly, stay close, and who knows, maybe he'll make a move when he's ready. Boys do take their time making a move so you have to be patient. Everything else is just you over analyzing what is very normal behavior for a boy.
Which part of "you have to be patient" didn't you understand? :)
He's trying to keep you and your friends at bay without pushing you too far. To me, it means you stand a good chance with him when he's ready for it. Meanwhile, continue to be friends with him and... BE PATIENT!
Still stuck on the same problem with the same guy
Lucy, 18, from Brisbane, Australia, asks:
Hi Victor! It's Lucy again. Thanks for your answer.
Hi Victor! It's Lucy again. Thanks for your answer.
I'm still stuck on the same problem with the same guy. He contacted me a week ago via a text message, to which I replied, and then I haven't heard anything from him since, and I haven't contacted him either because I don't want it to look like I'm chasing him. He sent a message to one of our close mutual friends basically saying to her that he got his driving licence, and she replied with a "that's great! Luce will be happy! ;)" And then he replied to her with a "why would she be happy? and whats that wink for?"
She laughed so hard at this message and so she had to call me and tell me what happened. I'm left feeling really confused, because firstly I don't know whether he's just really slow and stupid and didn't quite pick up the hint that she was suggesting that I like him, or if he was fishing for her to say that "lucy likes you!!"
Any suggestions please?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he could be dense or he could be playing ignorant, I don't know which one it is but it doesn't matter because what's important is that your name was mentioned and if he wasn't connecting the dots before he's a step closer now.
Send him a text message, tell him you heard he got his driver's license, congratulate him, and say you're counting on a ride from him.
Looking at your last question, you turned him down a couple times. You have to go a little out of your way to get him thinking he stands a chance with you.
She laughed so hard at this message and so she had to call me and tell me what happened. I'm left feeling really confused, because firstly I don't know whether he's just really slow and stupid and didn't quite pick up the hint that she was suggesting that I like him, or if he was fishing for her to say that "lucy likes you!!"
Any suggestions please?
VictorM's advice:
Well, he could be dense or he could be playing ignorant, I don't know which one it is but it doesn't matter because what's important is that your name was mentioned and if he wasn't connecting the dots before he's a step closer now.
Send him a text message, tell him you heard he got his driver's license, congratulate him, and say you're counting on a ride from him.
Looking at your last question, you turned him down a couple times. You have to go a little out of your way to get him thinking he stands a chance with you.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
He's working a lot these days at his new firm
Lyndsay, 31, from New Mexico, asks:
Back in January I started talking daily to a man I met through friends 4 years ago on a sales trip to Manhattan. We'd kept in touch over the years, but we suddenly started talking a lot; he'd call 2-3 times a day just to say hello. We connected beyond belief, and he flew out to visit me in New Mexico in May. After a great trip, he continued to call and pursue me after he left. Here's the problem: I am now 31, and he's 41. He's working a lot these days at his new firm. But I am frustrated over broken promises (from him) to see one another again. All the while he still called 3-4 times a day. He says he can't date someone long-distance, but I said if things progressed over the next several months, I would consider moving to be closer to him.
However, I haven't seen him in 5 months, and I finally told him if he couldn't tell me when we'd see each other again, I couldn't keep taking his frequent calls, etc. I know he's not dating anyone else, just working a lot. I said to keep in touch, etc, but that I needed to move on. He hasn't called in weeks, and I am wondering what I did wrong. Neither of us have had any major, long-term relationships, yet we've become extremely close. Is he scared to commit? If so, why did he keep in touch all this time?
VictorM's advice:
Hint to you ladies: when a guy all of sudden starts getting too busy to see you it means he's lost interest.
So Lyndsay, he lost interest. But, you wonder, if you had such a wonderful time how can that be? That's exactly what he's wondering too. He doesn't understand why that is. So he thinks that maybe it's just a phase. So the guy keeps contact just in case the loss of interest is temporary. And he makes excuses (he's too busy) for not seeing you. This is not designed to lie to you, it's designed to buy time without burning bridges with you in case the feelings return. But you forced his hand with the offer to move. Now he needed to tell you that you better move on. The "stay in touch" is just bullshit, something that guys say because they're trying to minimize hurting you.
You did nothing wrong. You were clever to force his hand or else this would go on for years. Now you know, and now you can move on.
Back in January I started talking daily to a man I met through friends 4 years ago on a sales trip to Manhattan. We'd kept in touch over the years, but we suddenly started talking a lot; he'd call 2-3 times a day just to say hello. We connected beyond belief, and he flew out to visit me in New Mexico in May. After a great trip, he continued to call and pursue me after he left. Here's the problem: I am now 31, and he's 41. He's working a lot these days at his new firm. But I am frustrated over broken promises (from him) to see one another again. All the while he still called 3-4 times a day. He says he can't date someone long-distance, but I said if things progressed over the next several months, I would consider moving to be closer to him.
However, I haven't seen him in 5 months, and I finally told him if he couldn't tell me when we'd see each other again, I couldn't keep taking his frequent calls, etc. I know he's not dating anyone else, just working a lot. I said to keep in touch, etc, but that I needed to move on. He hasn't called in weeks, and I am wondering what I did wrong. Neither of us have had any major, long-term relationships, yet we've become extremely close. Is he scared to commit? If so, why did he keep in touch all this time?
VictorM's advice:
Hint to you ladies: when a guy all of sudden starts getting too busy to see you it means he's lost interest.
So Lyndsay, he lost interest. But, you wonder, if you had such a wonderful time how can that be? That's exactly what he's wondering too. He doesn't understand why that is. So he thinks that maybe it's just a phase. So the guy keeps contact just in case the loss of interest is temporary. And he makes excuses (he's too busy) for not seeing you. This is not designed to lie to you, it's designed to buy time without burning bridges with you in case the feelings return. But you forced his hand with the offer to move. Now he needed to tell you that you better move on. The "stay in touch" is just bullshit, something that guys say because they're trying to minimize hurting you.
You did nothing wrong. You were clever to force his hand or else this would go on for years. Now you know, and now you can move on.
How do I know if he is lying?
Ally, 16, from New York, asks:
My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost 9 months. He recently broke up with me and dated another girl for about 2 weeks. Then he brkoe up with her. He told me he didn't love me anymore but I think he is lying. How do I know if he is lying? And can I get him back?
VictorM's advice:
The guy said he doesn't love you. He went out with another girl. He's done with her but still doesn't want to get back with you. He's not in love with you. You can't get him back. What you can do now is try to find someone else or come across as an obsessed girl who can't handle the truth.
He's moved on. You need to do the same.
My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost 9 months. He recently broke up with me and dated another girl for about 2 weeks. Then he brkoe up with her. He told me he didn't love me anymore but I think he is lying. How do I know if he is lying? And can I get him back?
VictorM's advice:
The guy said he doesn't love you. He went out with another girl. He's done with her but still doesn't want to get back with you. He's not in love with you. You can't get him back. What you can do now is try to find someone else or come across as an obsessed girl who can't handle the truth.
He's moved on. You need to do the same.
A couple of weeks ago he broke up with me suddenly
Jessica, from Missouri, asks:
I was going out with this guys for 4 months and he always said he loved me, we hung out a lot to. A couple of weeks ago he broke up with me suddenly. He had no reason for the breakup and said he still loved me and he was upset about this breakup. Lately, he has bee talking nicely about me to other people, he stares at me, and when I see him he usually gives me hugs. How can I tell if he still likes me and wants to go back out? And why does he not have a reason for the breakup?
Thanks,
jessica
VictorM's advice:
Just because he broke-up with you doesn't mean he doesn't think highly of you and wishes you the best. He broke-up with you because after a few months he realized you're not the one for him. Why did things change? As he said, he doesn't know. There is no one reason. He has no more of an explanation than you do as to why you don't like thousands of other guys around you. Romantic attraction is not caused by adding all the positives and negatives and coming up with a net positive result; it's mostly a subconscious reflex that we can't quite explain. In most cases, the ending of that romantic attraction is equally as unexplainable.
The odds are very slim that he's interested in you and wants to go back out. You're reading too much into his politeness and genuine like for you. But really, that's all it is.
I was going out with this guys for 4 months and he always said he loved me, we hung out a lot to. A couple of weeks ago he broke up with me suddenly. He had no reason for the breakup and said he still loved me and he was upset about this breakup. Lately, he has bee talking nicely about me to other people, he stares at me, and when I see him he usually gives me hugs. How can I tell if he still likes me and wants to go back out? And why does he not have a reason for the breakup?
Thanks,
jessica
VictorM's advice:
Just because he broke-up with you doesn't mean he doesn't think highly of you and wishes you the best. He broke-up with you because after a few months he realized you're not the one for him. Why did things change? As he said, he doesn't know. There is no one reason. He has no more of an explanation than you do as to why you don't like thousands of other guys around you. Romantic attraction is not caused by adding all the positives and negatives and coming up with a net positive result; it's mostly a subconscious reflex that we can't quite explain. In most cases, the ending of that romantic attraction is equally as unexplainable.
The odds are very slim that he's interested in you and wants to go back out. You're reading too much into his politeness and genuine like for you. But really, that's all it is.
Pure torture
jessica, 24, from orlando, asks:
Thanks again for answering my question Victor. I truly appreciate it. I guess you could be right. I'm usually good at seeing if a guy might be doing that. Deflecting attention I mean. But seriously, Dan (that's his name) should win an Oscar. But, I'm gonna go and take your advice. I'm usually not really assertive. Should I be? Or should I follow his lead at work and remain aloof. It's hard working so close to someone behind a bar for hours and pretend they aren't there. It's pure torture.
VictorM's advice:
Definitely keep your feelings out of the work environment. While at work, work. Not only do you jeopardize your job otherwise, but you also jeopardize his.
Outside of work it's a different story. Make all the moves you want. But try them when you're sober. :-p
Thanks again for answering my question Victor. I truly appreciate it. I guess you could be right. I'm usually good at seeing if a guy might be doing that. Deflecting attention I mean. But seriously, Dan (that's his name) should win an Oscar. But, I'm gonna go and take your advice. I'm usually not really assertive. Should I be? Or should I follow his lead at work and remain aloof. It's hard working so close to someone behind a bar for hours and pretend they aren't there. It's pure torture.
VictorM's advice:
Definitely keep your feelings out of the work environment. While at work, work. Not only do you jeopardize your job otherwise, but you also jeopardize his.
Outside of work it's a different story. Make all the moves you want. But try them when you're sober. :-p
Taylor writes a novel
Taylor, 21, from New Jersey, asks:
This is about the most complicated and confusing guy I have ever known. I feel the need to explain everything because it's all so confusing and relative.
This guy and I have known each other for about 3 years now. We work together in the summers and I'm a pretty shy person so we never really talked too much the first summer, but I always thought he was cute and nice and felt he was "noticing me." Two summers ago however, we talked more and were definately interested in each other and very flirty. We were both hesitant I guess because we never ended up hanging out until the end of the summer. We hung out for about a week straight until we had to go back to school and it was great. He was so sweet and fun and really made me feel comfortable.
Because he was away at school we continued to talk through text messaging and online but never really continued to hang out. Through talking it seemed to me that he liked me and was still interested. Break came and we talked about hanging out again but he said he was afraid to "lead me on." When I asked him what he meant by that he said that he's always confused and never knows what he wants and doesn't want to lead me on...so we didn't end up hanging out but continued to talk like he was still interested.
I decided not to initiate any conversation to see if it was all me, but he kept it up. We ended up hanging out when he graduated this past spring so I thought he was interested for sure. Then he told me the same thing, but with a little more information. He actually called me (something he never does) and explained that he is "always indecisive and never knows about anything when it comes to girls." That he's been this way since his old girlfriend, bla bla bla. That he wanted to be..."friends." That us hanging out more would make me want more and he didn't know if he would be able to give more. So, even though I truly feel like he has more then friend feelings, I decided to just be his friend because I didn't want to lose him in my life.
We spent the summer being friends (still flirting) and had that little discussion again. Not a week after he tells me the same thing about just being "friends", he invites me over and we hook up and stuff. But it wasn't just all about that, he was very affectionate and we had a good time.
A week later, he goes back to his awkward ways and tells me "it's not a good idea for us to hook up." I was very upset because I obviously really like him and I feel like he is just afraid to try. So, I decided to do something I never thought I would do, and confront him about it. Because I'm so shy I stupidly wrote him an email, because I knew I would've chikcened out telling him in person. I told him how I felt about him, how he makes me feel good about myself (something no guy has ever done) that I don't understand why he holds back and asked him to just give it a chance and try.
I wasn't even expecting him to respond, thought he'd be freaked out, but he wrote back just about as long as a novel as I wrote him. While he said a lot, once again he was completely contradicting. He said that he thinks of me as a friend...but in the next sentence says: "yes, most of the time I am confused and a lot of it has to do with my old girlfriend and I should probably take a chance, but my thoughts and ways of living will not change." Then he explains how he is very scared of getting serious again and it makes him very cautious and think a lot. That he will not settle...but then says that being withou me wouldn't be settling, that he just can't "try things to try them." He continues on about how he was obviously interested but he just doesn't see it working. And that it has nothing to do with me, that it's him. And said: "as cliche as that is you should know how weird and complex I am and undestand that I am being honest it is me, not you." He goes on to say how he doesn't ever tie himself down to a girl because he never feels that "perfect connection" he needs to tie himself down. That he wants me to be happy and he won't make me happy. That it's not about whether I'm worth it, that I'm worthy of a lot, and that he doesn't want to lose me and cares about me. That he just doesn't think he has as strong as feelings as I do and that he's always so unsure. That he can't give me more then his friendhsip.
Now, while I know to anyone who doesn't know us that looks like a: "I just don't like you like that" thing. But even close friends of his and mine have said that's absolute bull. That it's obvious he has feelings for me and that he's just scared. I have come to terms with that. I truly in my heart believe he has feelings for me. I know him too well to think anything else. However, I'm not saying that I think he can change. Im not sure if he can. Obviously he was VERY hurt by his old girlfriend and he has serious relationship fears. I was talking to our mutual guy friend and he said: this guy THINKS of me as a friend, but FEELS for me more then a friend... But doesn't see himself changing so he doesn't want to hurt me. And that he doesn't think he has these feelings for me because he never gives me a chance or himself the chance to feel them. Which I think could be true considering everytime we hang out it's great, and then the next week he pulls away.
He and I still talk like none of this "drama" ever happened. So I'm sorry for this terribly long novel, but I wanted to explain EVERYTHING because it's all so relevant. I suppose my question(s) is: am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me? And secondly, do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so? I know it sounds corny, but I just believe in it so much and know that if he would just give it a shot he'd be very suprised...
VictorM's answer:
*yawn* :)
Am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me?
Forget what other people think. They know jack shit about his feelings. They tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they'd like to happen. The guy has been very clear with you: he likes you but doesn't feel he likes you enough to take the plunge. What is preventing him? He's not a risk taker; he's been hurt before; probably still has feelings for that girl; and who knows what else. Sometimes we love being with someone but yet we don't feel the romantic chemistry we dream about. Why that happens is not clear.
Do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so?
Very much so. You have nothing to lose by staying his friend. But stop bringing this topic up. The more long emails you write about feelings, the more questions about it you ask, the more you confirm his reason for staying clear of you because it signals to him you're too serious about it and that's the last thing he wants. But, don't put all your eggs on this basket. Be open to other guys.
I have a feeling that until he comes to terms with his ex you'll always be on the outside looking in. I believe him when he says it's not you, it's him (meaning, the emotional attachment to his ex). But time is really the only healer for something like that. And it's something neither you nor him can control.
This is about the most complicated and confusing guy I have ever known. I feel the need to explain everything because it's all so confusing and relative.
This guy and I have known each other for about 3 years now. We work together in the summers and I'm a pretty shy person so we never really talked too much the first summer, but I always thought he was cute and nice and felt he was "noticing me." Two summers ago however, we talked more and were definately interested in each other and very flirty. We were both hesitant I guess because we never ended up hanging out until the end of the summer. We hung out for about a week straight until we had to go back to school and it was great. He was so sweet and fun and really made me feel comfortable.
Because he was away at school we continued to talk through text messaging and online but never really continued to hang out. Through talking it seemed to me that he liked me and was still interested. Break came and we talked about hanging out again but he said he was afraid to "lead me on." When I asked him what he meant by that he said that he's always confused and never knows what he wants and doesn't want to lead me on...so we didn't end up hanging out but continued to talk like he was still interested.
I decided not to initiate any conversation to see if it was all me, but he kept it up. We ended up hanging out when he graduated this past spring so I thought he was interested for sure. Then he told me the same thing, but with a little more information. He actually called me (something he never does) and explained that he is "always indecisive and never knows about anything when it comes to girls." That he's been this way since his old girlfriend, bla bla bla. That he wanted to be..."friends." That us hanging out more would make me want more and he didn't know if he would be able to give more. So, even though I truly feel like he has more then friend feelings, I decided to just be his friend because I didn't want to lose him in my life.
We spent the summer being friends (still flirting) and had that little discussion again. Not a week after he tells me the same thing about just being "friends", he invites me over and we hook up and stuff. But it wasn't just all about that, he was very affectionate and we had a good time.
A week later, he goes back to his awkward ways and tells me "it's not a good idea for us to hook up." I was very upset because I obviously really like him and I feel like he is just afraid to try. So, I decided to do something I never thought I would do, and confront him about it. Because I'm so shy I stupidly wrote him an email, because I knew I would've chikcened out telling him in person. I told him how I felt about him, how he makes me feel good about myself (something no guy has ever done) that I don't understand why he holds back and asked him to just give it a chance and try.
I wasn't even expecting him to respond, thought he'd be freaked out, but he wrote back just about as long as a novel as I wrote him. While he said a lot, once again he was completely contradicting. He said that he thinks of me as a friend...but in the next sentence says: "yes, most of the time I am confused and a lot of it has to do with my old girlfriend and I should probably take a chance, but my thoughts and ways of living will not change." Then he explains how he is very scared of getting serious again and it makes him very cautious and think a lot. That he will not settle...but then says that being withou me wouldn't be settling, that he just can't "try things to try them." He continues on about how he was obviously interested but he just doesn't see it working. And that it has nothing to do with me, that it's him. And said: "as cliche as that is you should know how weird and complex I am and undestand that I am being honest it is me, not you." He goes on to say how he doesn't ever tie himself down to a girl because he never feels that "perfect connection" he needs to tie himself down. That he wants me to be happy and he won't make me happy. That it's not about whether I'm worth it, that I'm worthy of a lot, and that he doesn't want to lose me and cares about me. That he just doesn't think he has as strong as feelings as I do and that he's always so unsure. That he can't give me more then his friendhsip.
Now, while I know to anyone who doesn't know us that looks like a: "I just don't like you like that" thing. But even close friends of his and mine have said that's absolute bull. That it's obvious he has feelings for me and that he's just scared. I have come to terms with that. I truly in my heart believe he has feelings for me. I know him too well to think anything else. However, I'm not saying that I think he can change. Im not sure if he can. Obviously he was VERY hurt by his old girlfriend and he has serious relationship fears. I was talking to our mutual guy friend and he said: this guy THINKS of me as a friend, but FEELS for me more then a friend... But doesn't see himself changing so he doesn't want to hurt me. And that he doesn't think he has these feelings for me because he never gives me a chance or himself the chance to feel them. Which I think could be true considering everytime we hang out it's great, and then the next week he pulls away.
He and I still talk like none of this "drama" ever happened. So I'm sorry for this terribly long novel, but I wanted to explain EVERYTHING because it's all so relevant. I suppose my question(s) is: am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me? And secondly, do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so? I know it sounds corny, but I just believe in it so much and know that if he would just give it a shot he'd be very suprised...
VictorM's answer:
*yawn* :)
Am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me?
Forget what other people think. They know jack shit about his feelings. They tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they'd like to happen. The guy has been very clear with you: he likes you but doesn't feel he likes you enough to take the plunge. What is preventing him? He's not a risk taker; he's been hurt before; probably still has feelings for that girl; and who knows what else. Sometimes we love being with someone but yet we don't feel the romantic chemistry we dream about. Why that happens is not clear.
Do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so?
Very much so. You have nothing to lose by staying his friend. But stop bringing this topic up. The more long emails you write about feelings, the more questions about it you ask, the more you confirm his reason for staying clear of you because it signals to him you're too serious about it and that's the last thing he wants. But, don't put all your eggs on this basket. Be open to other guys.
I have a feeling that until he comes to terms with his ex you'll always be on the outside looking in. I believe him when he says it's not you, it's him (meaning, the emotional attachment to his ex). But time is really the only healer for something like that. And it's something neither you nor him can control.
Katie has questions, questions, questions
Katie, 14, asks:
I have a couple questions (I know, I know, it’s always questions, questions, questions) that kind of have to do with each other, but for the most part are pretty random. OK, here goes:
1. I found out my crush likes me but he also likes some of the prettiest, most popular girls at school (actually, 5 of them). I am far from pretty OR popular, so: What does it mean for him to like them AND me? Would he have an issue with “commitment” in the middle school sense, what with liking all these girls? I just kind of wanna know all about what that means, because I’ve never heard of a guy liking THAT many girls at once.
2. My crush also was recently suspended. It was an in-school (2 hours) “suspension” because he wrote something inappropriate in Computer Design class and then printed it out. How bad is this? Should I still be hanging around with him, and moving towards going out? I’m kind of confused...
3. (this is not about my crush I mentioned before): I have a REALLY good guy friend who has a phobia of having a girlfriend, because his last relationship went up in flames (it was pretty serious—they dated for over 6 months and got to “second base,” if you know what I mean). I really like this guy, and know numerous girls (including myself) who would die if he asked them out. He has absolutely no problem with gal pals (he has a good number of them), but relationships scare him. Is there any way I can help him to be less phobic, and maybe have a chance myself?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
1. Oh yeah, boys can like tons of girls at the same time, and the list can change from day to day. And you are on his list for some reason. Obviously he finds you prettier than you think.
2. What he did sounds like silly stuff. It should be nothing to worry about. I mean, who wants to date a seminary school candidate? A little streak of rebellion is not a bad thing. Worry when he sets the school on fire. :)
3. Boys can get traumatize easily but they can also get over it just as easily. You don't want to push it on him; let him get over it at his own pace. If you're a good friend, supportive, and understanding, chances are you'll go to the top of his list. But foir now he just needs some time and he'll be OK.
I have a couple questions (I know, I know, it’s always questions, questions, questions) that kind of have to do with each other, but for the most part are pretty random. OK, here goes:
1. I found out my crush likes me but he also likes some of the prettiest, most popular girls at school (actually, 5 of them). I am far from pretty OR popular, so: What does it mean for him to like them AND me? Would he have an issue with “commitment” in the middle school sense, what with liking all these girls? I just kind of wanna know all about what that means, because I’ve never heard of a guy liking THAT many girls at once.
2. My crush also was recently suspended. It was an in-school (2 hours) “suspension” because he wrote something inappropriate in Computer Design class and then printed it out. How bad is this? Should I still be hanging around with him, and moving towards going out? I’m kind of confused...
3. (this is not about my crush I mentioned before): I have a REALLY good guy friend who has a phobia of having a girlfriend, because his last relationship went up in flames (it was pretty serious—they dated for over 6 months and got to “second base,” if you know what I mean). I really like this guy, and know numerous girls (including myself) who would die if he asked them out. He has absolutely no problem with gal pals (he has a good number of them), but relationships scare him. Is there any way I can help him to be less phobic, and maybe have a chance myself?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
1. Oh yeah, boys can like tons of girls at the same time, and the list can change from day to day. And you are on his list for some reason. Obviously he finds you prettier than you think.
2. What he did sounds like silly stuff. It should be nothing to worry about. I mean, who wants to date a seminary school candidate? A little streak of rebellion is not a bad thing. Worry when he sets the school on fire. :)
3. Boys can get traumatize easily but they can also get over it just as easily. You don't want to push it on him; let him get over it at his own pace. If you're a good friend, supportive, and understanding, chances are you'll go to the top of his list. But foir now he just needs some time and he'll be OK.
I have decided to tell my best guy friend that I like him
Hope, 22, from Texas, asks:
I have decided to tell my best guy friend that I like him. He is 29, I have known him for about 2 years, how should I tell him? Any ideas? I thought that I have made it clear by the things that I have done for him, but apparently he doesn't get it. So how can I make it obvious?
VictorM's advice:
Guys aren't good at hints. If you're going to tell him, tell him straight out. Look him in the eye and be direct.
And hope he doesn't run for the hills!!
I have decided to tell my best guy friend that I like him. He is 29, I have known him for about 2 years, how should I tell him? Any ideas? I thought that I have made it clear by the things that I have done for him, but apparently he doesn't get it. So how can I make it obvious?
VictorM's advice:
Guys aren't good at hints. If you're going to tell him, tell him straight out. Look him in the eye and be direct.
And hope he doesn't run for the hills!!
I am conservative and I am good looking
Jenn, 15, from Montana, asks:
Hi, well I am a shy, quiet girl. I am conservative and I am good looking (haah, not conceited, just confident =D ) and guys will only stare at me, but never say anything or talk to me. I know it's weird, but they will stare at me in class for the longest time just staring! And it really kind of makes me uncomfortable. But sometimes I just want them to talk to me. I am too shy to make the first move. But the thing is, some guys in one of my classes... I hear them talk about me like, "that bitch is so fine" and that is really disrespectful but I just pretend to not have heard.
So overall, guys just STARE at me I mean STARE for like 10 minutes straight without looking away and I see them looking at my face and legs and up and down my body. I don't know, do they just find me attractive? Do they like me? Am I just unapproachable?
Thanks,
Jenn
VictorM's advice:
Boys your age aren't looking for a wife yet, they're just looking for fun and the last thing they want is to be rejected. You, being gorgeous, quiet, and confident will scare boys away because most feel they can't measure up to you. You're intimidating. So they'll ogle you up and down but won't make a move. Most of them probably think that a girl as attractive as you already has a boyfriend or wouldn't give them the time of day.
You said you're too shy to make a move but you should make an effort to give off vibes that you're approachable. For example, when they are looking at you, smile and say hi.
Hi, well I am a shy, quiet girl. I am conservative and I am good looking (haah, not conceited, just confident =D ) and guys will only stare at me, but never say anything or talk to me. I know it's weird, but they will stare at me in class for the longest time just staring! And it really kind of makes me uncomfortable. But sometimes I just want them to talk to me. I am too shy to make the first move. But the thing is, some guys in one of my classes... I hear them talk about me like, "that bitch is so fine" and that is really disrespectful but I just pretend to not have heard.
So overall, guys just STARE at me I mean STARE for like 10 minutes straight without looking away and I see them looking at my face and legs and up and down my body. I don't know, do they just find me attractive? Do they like me? Am I just unapproachable?
Thanks,
Jenn
VictorM's advice:
Boys your age aren't looking for a wife yet, they're just looking for fun and the last thing they want is to be rejected. You, being gorgeous, quiet, and confident will scare boys away because most feel they can't measure up to you. You're intimidating. So they'll ogle you up and down but won't make a move. Most of them probably think that a girl as attractive as you already has a boyfriend or wouldn't give them the time of day.
You said you're too shy to make a move but you should make an effort to give off vibes that you're approachable. For example, when they are looking at you, smile and say hi.
Ex has no regard or cares about being arrested
Kayla, 17, from Washington, asks:
My ex boyfriend was more of a mentally abusive type of guy. He would constantly make me feel guilty and unworthy when (in my mind) I knew I shouldn't. He made it seem like I was untrustworthy if I hung out with my guy friends, and he would check up on me constantly: calling me, as well as all of my friends and family, 20+ times a day, even when he knew I had to work and could not talk. If I didn't answer his phone calls, he would tell me how stupid I was and what a slut I was. It made me miserable, but I guess I'm a firm believer in second chances (and third.. and fourth.. and fifth..). Well, I finally got sick of everything he was doing to me after he publically made me seem like a slut, calling me one on my myspace and many other offensive terms, and tried to force me into sex when I did not want to. So I split off with him and he was "devastated." Since then, he has broken into my house through my window twice, gone to where my mom works and cussed her out, shown up to my school twice, both of which he was asked to leave the property by faculty, and has hit his best friend who told him to leave me alone. Along with the constant calling, texting, and emailing, I am scared. I have threatened him with a restraining order, but he has no regard or cares about being arrested. My school counselor is even bugging me about getting rid of him-- what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
What a nightmare! Good thing you finally saw the light and dropped the freak.
You're dealing with an irrational bully. You must do three things: one, stop all communication with him; two, be tough and push back; three, take sensible security precautions.
Communications -- that means changing your phone number and sharing it with only a few trusted people who'll promise not to share it. Same with email address. Cut all methods of him communicating with you. Don't make a big deal about it. Just quietly eliminate his access to you.
Be tough -- You threatened him with a restraining order. Stop the threats! If you're going to do something, just do it. Don't telling him about it. Get a restraining order. Talk to the cops, explain what's going on. They might help him realize you mean business.
Precautions -- Inform neighbors, family, and friends of the situation and get them on the look out for this creep. If you see him close to you, remove yourself from the area quickly. If you can't do that, make sure you stay in a public place. Go out in groups of friends. If he gets in your way, don't confront him, don't argue with him.
Bullies will bully until they are pushed back. But if they detect weakness on their target, they are relentless. You must not give him the impression that there's a chance of reconciliation. You must not show anger or fear. You must not even give him the time of day. He'll continue to bother you as long as he feels he's having some impact on your life.
Good luck.
My ex boyfriend was more of a mentally abusive type of guy. He would constantly make me feel guilty and unworthy when (in my mind) I knew I shouldn't. He made it seem like I was untrustworthy if I hung out with my guy friends, and he would check up on me constantly: calling me, as well as all of my friends and family, 20+ times a day, even when he knew I had to work and could not talk. If I didn't answer his phone calls, he would tell me how stupid I was and what a slut I was. It made me miserable, but I guess I'm a firm believer in second chances (and third.. and fourth.. and fifth..). Well, I finally got sick of everything he was doing to me after he publically made me seem like a slut, calling me one on my myspace and many other offensive terms, and tried to force me into sex when I did not want to. So I split off with him and he was "devastated." Since then, he has broken into my house through my window twice, gone to where my mom works and cussed her out, shown up to my school twice, both of which he was asked to leave the property by faculty, and has hit his best friend who told him to leave me alone. Along with the constant calling, texting, and emailing, I am scared. I have threatened him with a restraining order, but he has no regard or cares about being arrested. My school counselor is even bugging me about getting rid of him-- what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
What a nightmare! Good thing you finally saw the light and dropped the freak.
You're dealing with an irrational bully. You must do three things: one, stop all communication with him; two, be tough and push back; three, take sensible security precautions.
Communications -- that means changing your phone number and sharing it with only a few trusted people who'll promise not to share it. Same with email address. Cut all methods of him communicating with you. Don't make a big deal about it. Just quietly eliminate his access to you.
Be tough -- You threatened him with a restraining order. Stop the threats! If you're going to do something, just do it. Don't telling him about it. Get a restraining order. Talk to the cops, explain what's going on. They might help him realize you mean business.
Precautions -- Inform neighbors, family, and friends of the situation and get them on the look out for this creep. If you see him close to you, remove yourself from the area quickly. If you can't do that, make sure you stay in a public place. Go out in groups of friends. If he gets in your way, don't confront him, don't argue with him.
Bullies will bully until they are pushed back. But if they detect weakness on their target, they are relentless. You must not give him the impression that there's a chance of reconciliation. You must not show anger or fear. You must not even give him the time of day. He'll continue to bother you as long as he feels he's having some impact on your life.
Good luck.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
He makes little effort in getting to know me
Kimberly, 24, from Washington D.C., asks:
I've been dealing with this guy on and off for the last past 4 months. I'm really interested in him, but he makes little effort in getting to know me. Everytime I walk away from the situation, he makes every attempt to do the things I wanted him to do in the beginning (calling more, spending time). The moment I give in to him, he starts acting stupid again. My questions are: If he isn't interested in me, why does he chase me when I walk away, and if I continue to ignore him (he seems to like it) will that make him come around?
VictorM's advice:
The guy likes the journey more than the destination. He's not as interested in you as he is in the chase. He keeps coming back to you because you're like the bull responding to the red cape -- you fall for it every time.
These games don't bode well for how he really feels about you. Maybe he will get serious about you but you're risking getting caught in the roller coaster of too many games.
I hope you're not prone to motion sickness; it's going to be a bumpy ride if you keep playing his game.
I've been dealing with this guy on and off for the last past 4 months. I'm really interested in him, but he makes little effort in getting to know me. Everytime I walk away from the situation, he makes every attempt to do the things I wanted him to do in the beginning (calling more, spending time). The moment I give in to him, he starts acting stupid again. My questions are: If he isn't interested in me, why does he chase me when I walk away, and if I continue to ignore him (he seems to like it) will that make him come around?
VictorM's advice:
The guy likes the journey more than the destination. He's not as interested in you as he is in the chase. He keeps coming back to you because you're like the bull responding to the red cape -- you fall for it every time.
These games don't bode well for how he really feels about you. Maybe he will get serious about you but you're risking getting caught in the roller coaster of too many games.
I hope you're not prone to motion sickness; it's going to be a bumpy ride if you keep playing his game.
What does it mean when he is nice to my mother?
Mary, 25, from California, asks:
What does it mean when a guy I have dated 1 year ago is polite and nice to my mother? But he is rather shy or awkward with me?
VictorM's advice:
Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson,
Jesus loves you more than you will know.
God bless you, please, Mrs. Robinson.
Heaven holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey
It means he wants to bone your mother. :)
OK, OK, maybe too much The Graduate movie influence.
Sounds like he's a polite guy who doesn't quite know how to behave with someone he's dated before. If you're looking for a connection you're stretching.
What does it mean when a guy I have dated 1 year ago is polite and nice to my mother? But he is rather shy or awkward with me?
VictorM's advice:
Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson,
Jesus loves you more than you will know.
God bless you, please, Mrs. Robinson.
Heaven holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey
It means he wants to bone your mother. :)
OK, OK, maybe too much The Graduate movie influence.
Sounds like he's a polite guy who doesn't quite know how to behave with someone he's dated before. If you're looking for a connection you're stretching.
Am I just being wishful?
Nan, 19, from CA, asks:
I am in college and am in a new set of class. I am completely shy of guys (I have never had a boyfriend or anything close, I am almost 20 and it is really embarrassing). There is this one boy that I am attracted to...how can I tell if he is into me or if I have a chance? We have not spoken much but once he did ask me a question about something in the class and I explained...and then later he saw me and said hello but I shyly smiled and looked away... and he said it again right after I looked back... but he has said nothing since. Am I just being wishful? Should I speak to him?
VictorM's advice:
You're 19 and haven't had a boyfriend? That's nothing to be embarrassed about. That just means you bypassed the drama of going out with smelly teenage boys. You're just more sane than most girls. :)
I'm not sure that "hello" is a sign that he's into you, but whether it is or not, you should make an effort to talk to him. It'll be a good idea if you push yourself to being a little more talkative to guys. Shy people can overcome their shyness with little steps like saying "hi" and smiling. The more you do it, the more trust you'll gain that people will like you.
So go ahead, talk to him... unless he's smelly.
I am in college and am in a new set of class. I am completely shy of guys (I have never had a boyfriend or anything close, I am almost 20 and it is really embarrassing). There is this one boy that I am attracted to...how can I tell if he is into me or if I have a chance? We have not spoken much but once he did ask me a question about something in the class and I explained...and then later he saw me and said hello but I shyly smiled and looked away... and he said it again right after I looked back... but he has said nothing since. Am I just being wishful? Should I speak to him?
VictorM's advice:
You're 19 and haven't had a boyfriend? That's nothing to be embarrassed about. That just means you bypassed the drama of going out with smelly teenage boys. You're just more sane than most girls. :)
I'm not sure that "hello" is a sign that he's into you, but whether it is or not, you should make an effort to talk to him. It'll be a good idea if you push yourself to being a little more talkative to guys. Shy people can overcome their shyness with little steps like saying "hi" and smiling. The more you do it, the more trust you'll gain that people will like you.
So go ahead, talk to him... unless he's smelly.
I'm worried that in absence someone will be unfaithful
Ashley, 20, from Wisconsin, USA, asks:
I started dating my boyfriend in May and he left for the army in mid-June. He is coming home soon but is shortly after leaving for 8 months, maybe even out of the country, before he is home again. Do long distance relationships like this work since we've only been dating a short time? I'm worried that in absence someone will be unfaithful in the long run.
VictorM's advice:
Distance or absence is only an excuse for cheating by people who are prone to cheating regardless of where they are or how often they see you.
It's not easy being away but if he's into you and you into him, the relationship can survive.
I started dating my boyfriend in May and he left for the army in mid-June. He is coming home soon but is shortly after leaving for 8 months, maybe even out of the country, before he is home again. Do long distance relationships like this work since we've only been dating a short time? I'm worried that in absence someone will be unfaithful in the long run.
VictorM's advice:
Distance or absence is only an excuse for cheating by people who are prone to cheating regardless of where they are or how often they see you.
It's not easy being away but if he's into you and you into him, the relationship can survive.
How can I tell...
Destiny, 13, from Houston, asks:
How can I tell if a guy that I asked out wants to go out with me or not?
VictorM's answer:
Did he say "yes"? Because if he didn't, almost anything else is a "no". That includes "maybe", "I'll call you", "let me think about it".
Teenage boys are very fickle. He may say no today and be chasing you next week. Also, teenage boys around your age aren't always ready to go out with girls just yet.
How can I tell if a guy that I asked out wants to go out with me or not?
VictorM's answer:
Did he say "yes"? Because if he didn't, almost anything else is a "no". That includes "maybe", "I'll call you", "let me think about it".
Teenage boys are very fickle. He may say no today and be chasing you next week. Also, teenage boys around your age aren't always ready to go out with girls just yet.
I have thought about showing a little dirty side of me
Nicole, 30, from Alabama, asks
Hi there Victor,
I appreciate the advice you gave me about just enjoying the casual sex and don't go looking for any drama. That is exactly what I have been doing.
The other night is the first time in about 3 weeks since we have gotten together. It just keeps getting better and better. We did things to each other that we have not yet done, and wow! But I can not help but hold back and he is noticing. He made the commencement that it drives him crazy because he can tell that I am holding back, and if I would just stop I would have him and then he stopped. Then on top of that I mentioned that it was 3:30 in the morning on a work night, I stayed the night for the first time. And no I didn't get all up on him, I am about trying to keep my space and my guard up too. But I did wake him up nicely, and he pleasantly shocked. That is why I have been holding back, because there are certain things that when a woman feels complete comfort and safe, she lets it go for real. But I have thought about showing a little dirty side of me, just to give him a taste. But I don't know if or how I should. I like to role play and dress up in costumes. I want to play a teacher and he be the bad student not doing his homework. Okay I am getting a little carried away. So how can I introduce this side of me or should I just keep holding myself back. I am starting to like him just beyond sex and that I am not to sure of.
VictorM's advice:
Oh wow... Naughty Nicole. :)
Once you get away from the missionary position, everything is an adventure. You're never really sure how your partner is going to react. Of course, many things are almost automatically accepted without anyone raising an eyebrow, things like oral sex and certain sex positions. But once you gravitate away from the most common sexual situations, it gets a little dicey.
Among mature partners this shouldn't be a problem. If for example, he likes to suck your toes and you don't like it, just saying you're not into it or it does nothing for you shouldn't be a problem. Of course, in many cases, we go along with things that might not turn us on so long as it turns our partner on. But it's all based on a level of trust and maturity between the partners.
You have a very sex-driven relationship; kinky acts of sex probably are something he'll get off on, even if maybe not the same ones as you. This is where maturity and communication comes in. Not everyone is into the role-playing bit, for example. Engage in a discussion about sexual fantasies, as in "how do you feel about..." kinda thing. Bring up the topic of role-playing and judge how he reacts. Then you go from that. Maye he's all for it, maybe not, but who knows, chances are you'll find common fantasies and possibly engage in some new experiences.
Somehow I think your sex life is about to get even better.
Hi there Victor,
I appreciate the advice you gave me about just enjoying the casual sex and don't go looking for any drama. That is exactly what I have been doing.
The other night is the first time in about 3 weeks since we have gotten together. It just keeps getting better and better. We did things to each other that we have not yet done, and wow! But I can not help but hold back and he is noticing. He made the commencement that it drives him crazy because he can tell that I am holding back, and if I would just stop I would have him and then he stopped. Then on top of that I mentioned that it was 3:30 in the morning on a work night, I stayed the night for the first time. And no I didn't get all up on him, I am about trying to keep my space and my guard up too. But I did wake him up nicely, and he pleasantly shocked. That is why I have been holding back, because there are certain things that when a woman feels complete comfort and safe, she lets it go for real. But I have thought about showing a little dirty side of me, just to give him a taste. But I don't know if or how I should. I like to role play and dress up in costumes. I want to play a teacher and he be the bad student not doing his homework. Okay I am getting a little carried away. So how can I introduce this side of me or should I just keep holding myself back. I am starting to like him just beyond sex and that I am not to sure of.
VictorM's advice:
Oh wow... Naughty Nicole. :)
Once you get away from the missionary position, everything is an adventure. You're never really sure how your partner is going to react. Of course, many things are almost automatically accepted without anyone raising an eyebrow, things like oral sex and certain sex positions. But once you gravitate away from the most common sexual situations, it gets a little dicey.
Among mature partners this shouldn't be a problem. If for example, he likes to suck your toes and you don't like it, just saying you're not into it or it does nothing for you shouldn't be a problem. Of course, in many cases, we go along with things that might not turn us on so long as it turns our partner on. But it's all based on a level of trust and maturity between the partners.
You have a very sex-driven relationship; kinky acts of sex probably are something he'll get off on, even if maybe not the same ones as you. This is where maturity and communication comes in. Not everyone is into the role-playing bit, for example. Engage in a discussion about sexual fantasies, as in "how do you feel about..." kinda thing. Bring up the topic of role-playing and judge how he reacts. Then you go from that. Maye he's all for it, maybe not, but who knows, chances are you'll find common fantasies and possibly engage in some new experiences.
Somehow I think your sex life is about to get even better.
I likes my sister-in-law's brother a lot
Betty, 21, from London, asks:
I like my sister-in-law's brother a lot but nobody knows about it. He hasn't been involved in any relationship before. Everyday he will call me through msn and we will chat while studying together. How do I know whether he likes me or is treating me like a younger sister?
VictorM's advice:
Try to spend time alone with him and see how he responds. For example, mention that you'd like to see a certain movie but don't like to go alone. See if he offers to take you. You may have to try this more than once.
If he offers to take you, you'll get a better idea how he might feel once you two are alone. If he doesn't offer to take you then... he's gay. :)
I like my sister-in-law's brother a lot but nobody knows about it. He hasn't been involved in any relationship before. Everyday he will call me through msn and we will chat while studying together. How do I know whether he likes me or is treating me like a younger sister?
VictorM's advice:
Try to spend time alone with him and see how he responds. For example, mention that you'd like to see a certain movie but don't like to go alone. See if he offers to take you. You may have to try this more than once.
If he offers to take you, you'll get a better idea how he might feel once you two are alone. If he doesn't offer to take you then... he's gay. :)
Friday, October 19, 2007
I'm mean it's scaring me
Jessica, 24, from Orlando, asks:
Thanks for responding Victor.
I didn't ommit anything but felt guilty anything had happened at all. Thanks for telling me that he wouldn't think that. And as for the drinking part, well, to be frank in the world of bartending it is pretty much like that. Here's the update. Since that night where I wrote you I can't stop thinking about him. I mean it's scaring me. I can't remember when I felt this way about someone and I'm nervous. We hung out again where he told me that he thought I was acting weird around him (figures) and I think we pretty much cleared up that we do both like each other. I went to his house again ending in the same result. Him wanting me to stay and me leaving after a kiss. Although how I managed to get out (again) is beyond me. I thought for sure I would melt into a puddle on his driveway after that kiss. I saw him at work the day after that and he was so aloof and standoffish that I become the same way. Which confuses me because he clearly told me that he doesn't like when I do that. So I feel as if I'm back at square one with this guy. I can't tell if he's shy or immature? I mean he is 11 years older than me. Basically when we are drinking his body language, everything about him reads that he likes me. I have his full attention off of work. At work he's the total opposite. He'll joke around with other employees and kind of ignore me. So what do you think this means Victor? He has me really confused.
VictorM's advice:
He likes you and he knows it but he doesn't want others to know it, so in an attempt to deflect attention from you two he over-compensates by ignoring you.
He's probably just trying to prevent rumors from spreading at work.
Thanks for responding Victor.
I didn't ommit anything but felt guilty anything had happened at all. Thanks for telling me that he wouldn't think that. And as for the drinking part, well, to be frank in the world of bartending it is pretty much like that. Here's the update. Since that night where I wrote you I can't stop thinking about him. I mean it's scaring me. I can't remember when I felt this way about someone and I'm nervous. We hung out again where he told me that he thought I was acting weird around him (figures) and I think we pretty much cleared up that we do both like each other. I went to his house again ending in the same result. Him wanting me to stay and me leaving after a kiss. Although how I managed to get out (again) is beyond me. I thought for sure I would melt into a puddle on his driveway after that kiss. I saw him at work the day after that and he was so aloof and standoffish that I become the same way. Which confuses me because he clearly told me that he doesn't like when I do that. So I feel as if I'm back at square one with this guy. I can't tell if he's shy or immature? I mean he is 11 years older than me. Basically when we are drinking his body language, everything about him reads that he likes me. I have his full attention off of work. At work he's the total opposite. He'll joke around with other employees and kind of ignore me. So what do you think this means Victor? He has me really confused.
VictorM's advice:
He likes you and he knows it but he doesn't want others to know it, so in an attempt to deflect attention from you two he over-compensates by ignoring you.
He's probably just trying to prevent rumors from spreading at work.
He says he is confused
katie, 20, from essex, asks:
He says he is confused as he says he loves me and his girlfriend. Me and him dated but he dumped me for this girl he is dating now though he keeps telling me he loves me and that he regrets breaking up with me. What should I do? (I love him)
VictorM's advice:
Hey, who says you can only love one person?
I say give him another chance. What have you got to lose? Sure, it won't last but at least you'll remove the doubt from your mind.
He says he is confused as he says he loves me and his girlfriend. Me and him dated but he dumped me for this girl he is dating now though he keeps telling me he loves me and that he regrets breaking up with me. What should I do? (I love him)
VictorM's advice:
Hey, who says you can only love one person?
I say give him another chance. What have you got to lose? Sure, it won't last but at least you'll remove the doubt from your mind.
He has been a bit insensitive
Kayla, 17, from LA, asks:
How do I tell my boyfriend that recently he has been a bit insensitive and has hurt me, without hurting him or making him feel like he's a bad person?
VictorM's advice:
You don't say he has been insensitive and has hurt you. Instead, you tell him how you feel when certain things happen. Talk only about your feelings. For example: "I feel hurt when someone [insert some action]." He probably will come back with something like: "But I was only kidding", or "You're too sensitive". You respond with: "Maybe so, but still, I feel hurt when that happens."
Never make accusations. Don't attribute your pain to him, but instead to the words or action that hurts your feelings, and always emphasize your feelings.
Bottom line is you want him to recognize that what he must deal with are your feelings, not what he might perceive as your lack of a sense of humor or being too sensitive. He'll either care about your feelings and stop doing/saying that which hurts you, or he says he doesn't care about your feelings, in which case you dump him.
How do I tell my boyfriend that recently he has been a bit insensitive and has hurt me, without hurting him or making him feel like he's a bad person?
VictorM's advice:
You don't say he has been insensitive and has hurt you. Instead, you tell him how you feel when certain things happen. Talk only about your feelings. For example: "I feel hurt when someone [insert some action]." He probably will come back with something like: "But I was only kidding", or "You're too sensitive". You respond with: "Maybe so, but still, I feel hurt when that happens."
Never make accusations. Don't attribute your pain to him, but instead to the words or action that hurts your feelings, and always emphasize your feelings.
Bottom line is you want him to recognize that what he must deal with are your feelings, not what he might perceive as your lack of a sense of humor or being too sensitive. He'll either care about your feelings and stop doing/saying that which hurts you, or he says he doesn't care about your feelings, in which case you dump him.
My boyfriend freaked out
Taylor, 17, from CT, asks:
I'm a high school senior dating a 19 year old and recently I've been thinking about post graduation options and I definitely want to go to college. I'm unsure of where I want to go, but not more than an hour away, and I'll probably stay close to home. My boyfriend freaked out when I tried to talk to him about it and what would happen with us. He's basically saying to me if you go away to college we are breaking up and he says it's because he's scared of losing me and it would be hard to make a long distance relationship work out. I don't want him to break up with me and I'm pretty sure I'm staying around here anyways but he's still worried and thinks I'm making that decision only because of him but that was the original plan anyway. I don't know what to do or say to make him feel better about it and reassure him that I'm willing to make anything work and I really do love him. please hellppppp!
VictorM's advice:
Oh great, he's willing to break-up with you because he doesn't want to be without you (do you see the irony or is it just me?), is more interested in his own needs than your education, and doesn't seem to have the maturity to have an intelligent conversation about the topic. But.. oh yes, you love him.
Tell him to stop being a fucking child about it and behave like the adult he is or you're going to dump his sorry ass for one of those college guys you'll probably dump his sorry ass for anyway.
I'm serious. Tell him. Well... not the last part.
When someone is so insecure, as he seems to be, catering to his insecurities will be a constant in your life. Unless you get tough and put a stop to it, no matter how much you bend he'll never be satisfied. And you shouldn't want to go through life bending all the time.
I'm a high school senior dating a 19 year old and recently I've been thinking about post graduation options and I definitely want to go to college. I'm unsure of where I want to go, but not more than an hour away, and I'll probably stay close to home. My boyfriend freaked out when I tried to talk to him about it and what would happen with us. He's basically saying to me if you go away to college we are breaking up and he says it's because he's scared of losing me and it would be hard to make a long distance relationship work out. I don't want him to break up with me and I'm pretty sure I'm staying around here anyways but he's still worried and thinks I'm making that decision only because of him but that was the original plan anyway. I don't know what to do or say to make him feel better about it and reassure him that I'm willing to make anything work and I really do love him. please hellppppp!
VictorM's advice:
Oh great, he's willing to break-up with you because he doesn't want to be without you (do you see the irony or is it just me?), is more interested in his own needs than your education, and doesn't seem to have the maturity to have an intelligent conversation about the topic. But.. oh yes, you love him.
Tell him to stop being a fucking child about it and behave like the adult he is or you're going to dump his sorry ass for one of those college guys you'll probably dump his sorry ass for anyway.
I'm serious. Tell him. Well... not the last part.
When someone is so insecure, as he seems to be, catering to his insecurities will be a constant in your life. Unless you get tough and put a stop to it, no matter how much you bend he'll never be satisfied. And you shouldn't want to go through life bending all the time.
Tracy, take three
Tracy, 15, from Van, asks:
Anyway, thanks for the advice.
I guess he lost interest in me, but did he have to pretend to love me? Now I see in school he's been hanging out with other girls. He used to play and mess my hair, and I saw he did it to her aswell and they were sitting together at lunch, though my friend told me that he only likes her as a little sister, since she's short and everyone thinks she's cute. Once or twice I caught him glancing at me but I don't think it means anything. Sometimes I thought it was just a game. He didn't have to say he has to focus on his study but still loves me? I just think that's plain bullshit, if he still loves me then why break up with me? Ever since the break up we've never talked, not even a word, it gets awkward at times since in some classes he sits infront of me (face to face), teachers assigned the sit so we can't change it. He looks so happy without me, he never talked to other girls when i was with him, now he's talking to them all the time and laughing and having fun, but it takes time for me and he just doesn't care, which I don't mind. I have to admit I am jealous and I blame it on myself.
I do have a couple of guys that I have a crush on but they've all got girlfriends, I just think they're hot, there's this one guy, sometimes I see him looking at me, and once he waved at me but I didn't wave back because I wasn't sure he was waving at me and when I looked away and back at him, he started laughing. I see him and his 2 friends look at me sometimes or my friends and they would laugh, but I don't think it meant anything, I have never talked to him and I'm not sure what to do, but he has a girlfriend from what I've been told. There's this other guy, who is sort of my friend, sometimes I caught him looking at me and when I looked at him he was like 'what?' So I just turned, sometimes in the hall when we change classes I would say hi to him. What do you think I should do?
Thanks by the way, you've helped me alot!
PS. Hey, sorry but I forgot to mention something, not sure if it's important, but I might know why he dumped me, I've been thinking. My EX-boyfriend has a friend and his friend would always call me every night, and my ex doesn't call me that much, the next day after he dump me from the last night he told his friend 'I dumped tracy, shit' but his friend didn't say anything and then my ex told him 'now you can go out with her'. I never liked his freind, we're just friends and he's younger than me and I don't dig younger guys. What does this mean? Was he jealous? He didn't seem to care when I talk to his friend, he completely ignored it. I think it's my fault...
VictorM's advice:
A few points:
-- When a guy breaks-up with a girl, he will try to avoid being the "bad guy" and for the most part, he really hopes the girl is not crushed. So he tends to say things that he believes will make the girl feel better, hence the "I love you" and "I want us to be friends" kinda stuff. You are advised to ignore anything he said because it has no reflection on what he really thinks.
-- Please Tracy, stop thinking on terms of "fault". Him breaking up with you is no one's fault. People try each other out to see if they are a good fit and for reasons we don't understand, most often it's not a fit. You are going to have many more boyfriends, some of whom you will break-up with, some will break-up with you. It's all part of the process of finding the right partner.
-- Your ex is a young boy who probably got a confidence boost by having known you. He is now acting on that inflated ego and feeling very good about himself. That's what you're experiencing in classes with him.
-- Continue to be available to hook up with guys you like. Smile. Be friendly. Be nice. Don't be too quick to get too serious with anyone right away. Not every guy is gonna like and you're not going to like every guy. Which is why you're advised to have a nice group of friends, find hobbies, play sports, join theater groups, etc. Stay busy with fun activities so that finding a guy doesn't consume your life.
Anyway, thanks for the advice.
I guess he lost interest in me, but did he have to pretend to love me? Now I see in school he's been hanging out with other girls. He used to play and mess my hair, and I saw he did it to her aswell and they were sitting together at lunch, though my friend told me that he only likes her as a little sister, since she's short and everyone thinks she's cute. Once or twice I caught him glancing at me but I don't think it means anything. Sometimes I thought it was just a game. He didn't have to say he has to focus on his study but still loves me? I just think that's plain bullshit, if he still loves me then why break up with me? Ever since the break up we've never talked, not even a word, it gets awkward at times since in some classes he sits infront of me (face to face), teachers assigned the sit so we can't change it. He looks so happy without me, he never talked to other girls when i was with him, now he's talking to them all the time and laughing and having fun, but it takes time for me and he just doesn't care, which I don't mind. I have to admit I am jealous and I blame it on myself.
I do have a couple of guys that I have a crush on but they've all got girlfriends, I just think they're hot, there's this one guy, sometimes I see him looking at me, and once he waved at me but I didn't wave back because I wasn't sure he was waving at me and when I looked away and back at him, he started laughing. I see him and his 2 friends look at me sometimes or my friends and they would laugh, but I don't think it meant anything, I have never talked to him and I'm not sure what to do, but he has a girlfriend from what I've been told. There's this other guy, who is sort of my friend, sometimes I caught him looking at me and when I looked at him he was like 'what?' So I just turned, sometimes in the hall when we change classes I would say hi to him. What do you think I should do?
Thanks by the way, you've helped me alot!
PS. Hey, sorry but I forgot to mention something, not sure if it's important, but I might know why he dumped me, I've been thinking. My EX-boyfriend has a friend and his friend would always call me every night, and my ex doesn't call me that much, the next day after he dump me from the last night he told his friend 'I dumped tracy, shit' but his friend didn't say anything and then my ex told him 'now you can go out with her'. I never liked his freind, we're just friends and he's younger than me and I don't dig younger guys. What does this mean? Was he jealous? He didn't seem to care when I talk to his friend, he completely ignored it. I think it's my fault...
VictorM's advice:
A few points:
-- When a guy breaks-up with a girl, he will try to avoid being the "bad guy" and for the most part, he really hopes the girl is not crushed. So he tends to say things that he believes will make the girl feel better, hence the "I love you" and "I want us to be friends" kinda stuff. You are advised to ignore anything he said because it has no reflection on what he really thinks.
-- Please Tracy, stop thinking on terms of "fault". Him breaking up with you is no one's fault. People try each other out to see if they are a good fit and for reasons we don't understand, most often it's not a fit. You are going to have many more boyfriends, some of whom you will break-up with, some will break-up with you. It's all part of the process of finding the right partner.
-- Your ex is a young boy who probably got a confidence boost by having known you. He is now acting on that inflated ego and feeling very good about himself. That's what you're experiencing in classes with him.
-- Continue to be available to hook up with guys you like. Smile. Be friendly. Be nice. Don't be too quick to get too serious with anyone right away. Not every guy is gonna like and you're not going to like every guy. Which is why you're advised to have a nice group of friends, find hobbies, play sports, join theater groups, etc. Stay busy with fun activities so that finding a guy doesn't consume your life.
I met this boy in the first week of college
Tinor W, 18, from New York, asks:
I'm really stumped with this guy, and I really need your advice. I met this boy in the first week of college. While it was evident that he was interested in me, by always asking to hang out, I just didn't share the same feelings. After a couple of weeks of ditching him... he became this jerk, who came up with short responses to me. Although it's hard for me to admitt it, I started having feelings for him. After we finally hooked up, twice that is, I never heard from him again. When I saw him around campus, he claimed that he's really busy with school and pledging. I'm so confused at why he cut off all connection, and whether I should move on, rather than dwell.
VictorM's advice:
At first you had no interest in him. Remember that feeling? Well, he feels that way about you now.
He went out with you a couple times and for whatever reason, realized he was no longer interested in you. Really, there's nothing to be confused about. This is exactly what dating is all about. None of us are ever interested in everyone we date. It's all a search for "the one" or, for some people, just having a good time. If we find neither, we move on. He has done so. It's time for you to move on too.
I'm really stumped with this guy, and I really need your advice. I met this boy in the first week of college. While it was evident that he was interested in me, by always asking to hang out, I just didn't share the same feelings. After a couple of weeks of ditching him... he became this jerk, who came up with short responses to me. Although it's hard for me to admitt it, I started having feelings for him. After we finally hooked up, twice that is, I never heard from him again. When I saw him around campus, he claimed that he's really busy with school and pledging. I'm so confused at why he cut off all connection, and whether I should move on, rather than dwell.
VictorM's advice:
At first you had no interest in him. Remember that feeling? Well, he feels that way about you now.
He went out with you a couple times and for whatever reason, realized he was no longer interested in you. Really, there's nothing to be confused about. This is exactly what dating is all about. None of us are ever interested in everyone we date. It's all a search for "the one" or, for some people, just having a good time. If we find neither, we move on. He has done so. It's time for you to move on too.
She happens to have a boyfriend named Victor
Sara, 13, from Arizona, asks:
Dear Victor...I happen to have a boyfriend named Victor and we get along great! But whenever we try to talk there is always so much silence! I need a way to tell him that I really like him... and advice on conversations.
VictorM's advice:
I bet he already knows you like him. Guys don't need to hear it as much as girls do. I mean, you guys get along great, believe me, that's enough.
Don't worry about silence. How a couple shares silence says more about how comfortable they are with each other than anything else.
The one tip about talking that you should consider is to ask open-ended questions. For example: "Did you like the movie?" is a bad question because all he needs to say is "Yes" or "No". But a question like: "What did (or didn't) you like about the movie?" forces him to speak a little more. Conversely, if he asks you a question that begs a "yes" or "no" answer, take it upon yourself to explain why you said "yes" or "no".
Dear Victor...I happen to have a boyfriend named Victor and we get along great! But whenever we try to talk there is always so much silence! I need a way to tell him that I really like him... and advice on conversations.
VictorM's advice:
I bet he already knows you like him. Guys don't need to hear it as much as girls do. I mean, you guys get along great, believe me, that's enough.
Don't worry about silence. How a couple shares silence says more about how comfortable they are with each other than anything else.
The one tip about talking that you should consider is to ask open-ended questions. For example: "Did you like the movie?" is a bad question because all he needs to say is "Yes" or "No". But a question like: "What did (or didn't) you like about the movie?" forces him to speak a little more. Conversely, if he asks you a question that begs a "yes" or "no" answer, take it upon yourself to explain why you said "yes" or "no".
What would a guy want to see in a picture?
Carol, 51, from ny, asks:
This is amazing. I realize that all my guy advice comes from women. So I am looking to meet a man after a long time being married. For an online picture for a dating website, what within reason would a guy my age want to see? Seriously. I need a guide. Carol
VictorM's advice:
Some of the dating websites have do's and don'ts of picture posting, so look through their sites for that. But for whatever it's worth, since I do look on those sites myself for women around your age, I can volunteer some the things I look for:
- Picture should be recent (within the last 2 or 3 years).
- Don't dress like you think you're 18 and don't dress like my mother did.
- No pictures with others men or their arms around you. When I see that, it means to me that the picture is either too old or you haven't been on your own long enough for me to bother.
- I disregard profiles with only one picture. I like seeing several.
- No studio pictures. Those pictures always make you look better than you really are in person (this one bullet, I must confess, might work for most man, it just doesn't work for me).
- Smiles galore.
- Show pictures that show you comfortable to be around the house (in jeans, shorts, etc).
- Show a couple of full-body pictures.
- No overly sexy pictures... unless you want to attract guys who want to get laid on the first date.
Hope this helps and good luck.
This is amazing. I realize that all my guy advice comes from women. So I am looking to meet a man after a long time being married. For an online picture for a dating website, what within reason would a guy my age want to see? Seriously. I need a guide. Carol
VictorM's advice:
Some of the dating websites have do's and don'ts of picture posting, so look through their sites for that. But for whatever it's worth, since I do look on those sites myself for women around your age, I can volunteer some the things I look for:
- Picture should be recent (within the last 2 or 3 years).
- Don't dress like you think you're 18 and don't dress like my mother did.
- No pictures with others men or their arms around you. When I see that, it means to me that the picture is either too old or you haven't been on your own long enough for me to bother.
- I disregard profiles with only one picture. I like seeing several.
- No studio pictures. Those pictures always make you look better than you really are in person (this one bullet, I must confess, might work for most man, it just doesn't work for me).
- Smiles galore.
- Show pictures that show you comfortable to be around the house (in jeans, shorts, etc).
- Show a couple of full-body pictures.
- No overly sexy pictures... unless you want to attract guys who want to get laid on the first date.
Hope this helps and good luck.
He says he has has never lied to her
Mandy, 15, from Delaware, asks:
What does eventually mean when a guy says it to you that has never lied to you before and really loves you?
VictorM's advice:
It means he has never lied to you and he loves you. Do you believe him?
Unless there's a story behind this question I have nothing else to say.
What does eventually mean when a guy says it to you that has never lied to you before and really loves you?
VictorM's advice:
It means he has never lied to you and he loves you. Do you believe him?
Unless there's a story behind this question I have nothing else to say.
Her boyfriend is too busy
Karen, 34, from ireland, asks:
My boyfriend is too busy, he's in training for a new job, he's building his new house and he works shift work..he's very private about his feelings, he says he loves me. I feel I've turned into a clingy needy girlfriend and I hate that. I was never like that in any other relationship before. I have 2 young children from a previous marriage and I get very little free time so when I do I like to spend it with him (3 days a month !!) but he would never think to change shifts in work, or he would arrange to go training or have to do something with work. I feel I do all the work and running around to see him and I don't think he makes the same effort to see me, and it's harder for me because I have the two children...he seems so happy and wrapped up in his own life and I don't feel included at all.... So why does he still want me around???
VictorM's advice:
He wants you around because he's happy with his life, which includes seeing you infrequently. That obviously suits him fine. It's not his fault you don't feel the same way.
But the obvious questions is: why are you still around him?
My boyfriend is too busy, he's in training for a new job, he's building his new house and he works shift work..he's very private about his feelings, he says he loves me. I feel I've turned into a clingy needy girlfriend and I hate that. I was never like that in any other relationship before. I have 2 young children from a previous marriage and I get very little free time so when I do I like to spend it with him (3 days a month !!) but he would never think to change shifts in work, or he would arrange to go training or have to do something with work. I feel I do all the work and running around to see him and I don't think he makes the same effort to see me, and it's harder for me because I have the two children...he seems so happy and wrapped up in his own life and I don't feel included at all.... So why does he still want me around???
VictorM's advice:
He wants you around because he's happy with his life, which includes seeing you infrequently. That obviously suits him fine. It's not his fault you don't feel the same way.
But the obvious questions is: why are you still around him?
Why a guy in his 30s has never had a girlfriend?
Jennifer, 34, from Atlanta, asks:
I like a guy that lives in my neighborhood and comes in weekly to the business I run. Sometimes I see him out. Sometimes he seems interested in me, other times not. I asked a friend if she knew if he is dating anyone and she said as far she knows he's never had a girlfriend but don't quote her.
Any ideas on why a guy in his 30's has never had a girlfriend??
VictorM's advice:
I have a few ideas:
1. He's gay.
2. He's never found the right girl and is not willing to settle for less.
3. Your girlfriend is wrong.
4. He's a very smart guy.
I like a guy that lives in my neighborhood and comes in weekly to the business I run. Sometimes I see him out. Sometimes he seems interested in me, other times not. I asked a friend if she knew if he is dating anyone and she said as far she knows he's never had a girlfriend but don't quote her.
Any ideas on why a guy in his 30's has never had a girlfriend??
VictorM's advice:
I have a few ideas:
1. He's gay.
2. He's never found the right girl and is not willing to settle for less.
3. Your girlfriend is wrong.
4. He's a very smart guy.
After 15 months, he still has contact with his ex
mindy, 40's, from midwest, asks:
My boyfriend of 15 months still has contact with his ex..phone and e-mail..I live with him and have let him know this bothers me, he insist he is with me and she is just a friend. He told her I was jealous... but it just makes me mad that the calls take place when I'm at work.. and he tries to hide the contact by erasing cell phone contact and deleting e-mails. Do you think this is right?
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think it's right. If he's not willing to accommodate your concern , and is in fact being sneaky about it, not only is he neglecting you, he's also disrespecting you.
Exes belong in the past and that's where they should stay.
My boyfriend of 15 months still has contact with his ex..phone and e-mail..I live with him and have let him know this bothers me, he insist he is with me and she is just a friend. He told her I was jealous... but it just makes me mad that the calls take place when I'm at work.. and he tries to hide the contact by erasing cell phone contact and deleting e-mails. Do you think this is right?
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think it's right. If he's not willing to accommodate your concern , and is in fact being sneaky about it, not only is he neglecting you, he's also disrespecting you.
Exes belong in the past and that's where they should stay.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
It only lasted a few minutes
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I've been seeing this guy for a month now, at first he took me out to dinner saw me a lot during the week but then when we had sex, it only lasted a few minutes and he apologised and said he was nervous. But he's not really been around so much, maybe every second day BUT only for like 15 minutes or an hour max. He would see me out and stay with me all night at the bar but then went home alone. He says he will text but sometimes doesn't and then says he will pop up and see me but as I said its only for a short while. If he just wanted sex then fine but he's still around rather than ignoring me or whatever. So I'm confused here.
VictorM's advice:
What's most likely is that he's embarrassed by the quickie, and while he still likes you, he's probably afraid to be put in that position again for fear that the results might be the same. So he doesn't want to lose you but he's afraid to get too close because he's not ready to be intimate again with you. At least not yet.
It may sound silly to you but that sort of thing (the quickie) can be quite devastating for a guy.
I've been seeing this guy for a month now, at first he took me out to dinner saw me a lot during the week but then when we had sex, it only lasted a few minutes and he apologised and said he was nervous. But he's not really been around so much, maybe every second day BUT only for like 15 minutes or an hour max. He would see me out and stay with me all night at the bar but then went home alone. He says he will text but sometimes doesn't and then says he will pop up and see me but as I said its only for a short while. If he just wanted sex then fine but he's still around rather than ignoring me or whatever. So I'm confused here.
VictorM's advice:
What's most likely is that he's embarrassed by the quickie, and while he still likes you, he's probably afraid to be put in that position again for fear that the results might be the same. So he doesn't want to lose you but he's afraid to get too close because he's not ready to be intimate again with you. At least not yet.
It may sound silly to you but that sort of thing (the quickie) can be quite devastating for a guy.
Everything was good for a week or two
anonymous, asks:
A guy asked me out the next day after we met and everything was good for a week or two. Then he was avoiding me for three weeks and things went down from there. He finally ended it and said we can be friends, but now he told me he needs time and he'll call me in the future. What does this mean? By the way, it ended because I didn't talk as much as I should have because I am shy.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy breaks up with a girl, forget everything he says. You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
The relationship ended because you two weren't a good match. But don't despair. There's a bunch of guys out there looking for their perfectly nice and quiet girl, and at least one of them is going to find you.
A guy asked me out the next day after we met and everything was good for a week or two. Then he was avoiding me for three weeks and things went down from there. He finally ended it and said we can be friends, but now he told me he needs time and he'll call me in the future. What does this mean? By the way, it ended because I didn't talk as much as I should have because I am shy.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy breaks up with a girl, forget everything he says. You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
The relationship ended because you two weren't a good match. But don't despair. There's a bunch of guys out there looking for their perfectly nice and quiet girl, and at least one of them is going to find you.
He sounded really really sad the last time
Ana, 45, from Arizona, asks:
I have been dating a travel nurse for the past 18 months. He works 48 hours per week 7PM to 7AM, including most weekends, living in residence hotels. I met him first in my city, where he said he liked so much he planned to settle down and stay. When his contract here wasn't renewed, he took a gig in a town about 2 hours away, which was incredibly lucrative given the shortage of nurses there. Now that town has just imported a huge influx of nurses from overseas and he took another contract in an even worse town 4 hours away--even more lucrative. He is now making something like $200K whereas in my City he would be making about $75K because he wouldn't get overtime he gets working in these awful places no one else wants to work in. He is nearing 50, never been married, and I don't think he has saved much money for his retirement. He said he wanted to keep the relationship going but I pointed out that with an eight hour roundtrip drive and his new schedule we would hardly ever get to see each other. We had a big fight last time he was here (our first) and he left in a hurry. He told me I could see other people but that he wouldn't. We have never talked about the future or a committment, but then I've never been the type to push that kind of talk. He did take me home to his state to meet his family. He has always treated me like a princess and whatever becomes of us I truly believe that he is a good guy. But now I'm beginning to wonder whether he was really ever all that into me, has lost interest and just doesn't want to burn bridges and not know where his next sexual experience is coming from. He sounded really really sad the last time I spoke with him. I haven't heard from him in three weeks since our fight/deal. Do you think I ever will?
VictorM's advice:
I would be surprised if you hear from him.
The distance isn't going to help and a guy who has never been married suggests to me is too used to being alone, coming and going as he pleases, and quite likely sees no point in staying in contact with someone who fights with him.
He may have sounded sad and he may have in fact been sad, but guys like him bounce back easily.
I have been dating a travel nurse for the past 18 months. He works 48 hours per week 7PM to 7AM, including most weekends, living in residence hotels. I met him first in my city, where he said he liked so much he planned to settle down and stay. When his contract here wasn't renewed, he took a gig in a town about 2 hours away, which was incredibly lucrative given the shortage of nurses there. Now that town has just imported a huge influx of nurses from overseas and he took another contract in an even worse town 4 hours away--even more lucrative. He is now making something like $200K whereas in my City he would be making about $75K because he wouldn't get overtime he gets working in these awful places no one else wants to work in. He is nearing 50, never been married, and I don't think he has saved much money for his retirement. He said he wanted to keep the relationship going but I pointed out that with an eight hour roundtrip drive and his new schedule we would hardly ever get to see each other. We had a big fight last time he was here (our first) and he left in a hurry. He told me I could see other people but that he wouldn't. We have never talked about the future or a committment, but then I've never been the type to push that kind of talk. He did take me home to his state to meet his family. He has always treated me like a princess and whatever becomes of us I truly believe that he is a good guy. But now I'm beginning to wonder whether he was really ever all that into me, has lost interest and just doesn't want to burn bridges and not know where his next sexual experience is coming from. He sounded really really sad the last time I spoke with him. I haven't heard from him in three weeks since our fight/deal. Do you think I ever will?
VictorM's advice:
I would be surprised if you hear from him.
The distance isn't going to help and a guy who has never been married suggests to me is too used to being alone, coming and going as he pleases, and quite likely sees no point in staying in contact with someone who fights with him.
He may have sounded sad and he may have in fact been sad, but guys like him bounce back easily.
Of late she started developing feelings for him
parineeta, 25, from bombay, asks:
It's about this guy. We are colleagues. We are good friends, you know the very "pally" kind, but not that close. He broke up with his girlfriend two years back. Now she's getting married. I of late have started devloping feelings for him. I only liked him before but now I am falling for him and he has no clue. He still talks about his ex. He also says that if he found any woman worth loving in the last one year he would have told her but that is not the case. He is over his ex. How do I approach him? Do I tell him straightforward? I am really confused.
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn't bring up your feelings yet. Start by being less "pally" with him. Arrange to spend more alone time with him, dress more feminine, sit closer, stand closer, hold your eye contact with him longer. Light touch him more. Tell him you don't want to hear about his ex or any other girl. In other words, send him signs that you're interested in him. Let him digest this information over time so it's not a shock to him. Then see how he reacts.
But if he seems oblivious to this new you, yeah, come out and tell him. If he feels about you the same way you feel about him, great. But if he doesn't, it may very well end your friendship. At least as you know it today.
It's about this guy. We are colleagues. We are good friends, you know the very "pally" kind, but not that close. He broke up with his girlfriend two years back. Now she's getting married. I of late have started devloping feelings for him. I only liked him before but now I am falling for him and he has no clue. He still talks about his ex. He also says that if he found any woman worth loving in the last one year he would have told her but that is not the case. He is over his ex. How do I approach him? Do I tell him straightforward? I am really confused.
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn't bring up your feelings yet. Start by being less "pally" with him. Arrange to spend more alone time with him, dress more feminine, sit closer, stand closer, hold your eye contact with him longer. Light touch him more. Tell him you don't want to hear about his ex or any other girl. In other words, send him signs that you're interested in him. Let him digest this information over time so it's not a shock to him. Then see how he reacts.
But if he seems oblivious to this new you, yeah, come out and tell him. If he feels about you the same way you feel about him, great. But if he doesn't, it may very well end your friendship. At least as you know it today.
Is he just wanting a little space?
Sara, 20, from Mephis, asks:
I have being data a guy for about 5 months and he recently went home to work for a week. I am positive he is not cheating on me because he is staying with his parents. However, he hasn't been calling at much and when he does call he just is not as sweet as he usually is. Is he just wanting a little space, or is he using this time to start breaking up with me? We already have plans for the weekend he comes back, am I just being insecure in thinking he wants to break up with me?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you're too insecure. He's at his parents' house for crying out loud. You want him to be calling you and be lovey-dovey over the phone from there? No way. It's just not a guy thing to do.
Enjoy this little break. It'll make your get-back weekend so much more fun... unless you go and spoil it. Don't do it!
I have being data a guy for about 5 months and he recently went home to work for a week. I am positive he is not cheating on me because he is staying with his parents. However, he hasn't been calling at much and when he does call he just is not as sweet as he usually is. Is he just wanting a little space, or is he using this time to start breaking up with me? We already have plans for the weekend he comes back, am I just being insecure in thinking he wants to break up with me?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you're too insecure. He's at his parents' house for crying out loud. You want him to be calling you and be lovey-dovey over the phone from there? No way. It's just not a guy thing to do.
Enjoy this little break. It'll make your get-back weekend so much more fun... unless you go and spoil it. Don't do it!
He broke-up with Tracy
Tracy, 15, from Van, asks:
Hey victor,
Guess what? He dumped me. He broke up with me, you know..he said he has to focus on his study but he still loves me and he still wants to be friends. What does he mean by that? I feel hurt. I can't breathe properly, I actually believed him when he said he loved me, I love him, now i just don't know how to get over him, please help me, help me with what to do, I really don't know what to do, he just dumped me 2 days ago, and I would cry every night. He dumped me over the phone, it was almost midnight at that time, at first he asked me would it be ok if we broke up, all I said was I don't know and if he wanted to, he said yeah. I was crushed. After we got off the phone, I started burst out crying, I didn't go to school the next day, and today, he ignored me.
What does this mean? Why now? What did I do wrong?...How can I get over him? What should I do now?
Thanks for the help vic
VictorM's advice:
What does this mean?
It means he doesn't feel about you as you feel about him.
Why now?
Like the song says: "There's no easy way to break somebody's heart." There's no right time either. It's a tough thing to do but it's better that he did it now than to drag it on and on.
What did I do wrong?
Nothing. There are 7 billion people on the planet and just about all of them will not be a good match for you. It's just the way it is. Some people are a fit; some are not. There is no right or wrong. Same applies to him; finding the right match will take time.
How can I get over him?
You first realize that it won't happen overnight. Getting over someone, at a minimum, takes time. So allow yourself some time to cry and feel bad. But after a while, each day gets better.
What should I do now?
Cry. Feel sad. Talk to friends. Go shopping. Buy new clothes and new shoes. Change your hair style. Go to places you've never gone before. Mingle with friends. Make new friends. Flirt with other boys. Keep yourself busy. But whatever you do, don't listen to country music; that stuff is worse for you than a sledgehammer across your head.
By the way, here are the lyrics to the song I quote above (it's not a country song):
I held her close to me
Coz I know she breaks so easily
And then I told her
Though I knew no matter how I tried to console her
Then she'd do the best she could
But there are times the best is no damn good
And no matter how you try to be kind
There's always still a part of you you'll leave behind
When they fall apart
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart.
I lied and told her she'll be fine
Though we both knew it was just a lie
I had to do it
Coz I had said anything to help me get through it.
And she reached out for my hand
And her simple touch was more than I could stand
And I had to turn away coz I knew
All the hurt that she was feeling, I was feeling too
When they fall apart
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart.
She could've gotten angry
And made me feel like a guilty child
But I realized that never was her style
I wanted her to hurt me
And not treat me like a friend
I wanted her to say "there'd be someday
I'd come crawling on my knees to ask her back again"
But she acted like a lady till the end
Oh, what a lady!
I thought that she'd bring down
But she smiled at me and never made a sound
And I guess she understood in her way
Coz her silence told me everything she could not say
When they fall apart
There's easy way to break
There's just no easy way
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart...
Hey victor,
Guess what? He dumped me. He broke up with me, you know..he said he has to focus on his study but he still loves me and he still wants to be friends. What does he mean by that? I feel hurt. I can't breathe properly, I actually believed him when he said he loved me, I love him, now i just don't know how to get over him, please help me, help me with what to do, I really don't know what to do, he just dumped me 2 days ago, and I would cry every night. He dumped me over the phone, it was almost midnight at that time, at first he asked me would it be ok if we broke up, all I said was I don't know and if he wanted to, he said yeah. I was crushed. After we got off the phone, I started burst out crying, I didn't go to school the next day, and today, he ignored me.
What does this mean? Why now? What did I do wrong?...How can I get over him? What should I do now?
Thanks for the help vic
VictorM's advice:
What does this mean?
It means he doesn't feel about you as you feel about him.
Why now?
Like the song says: "There's no easy way to break somebody's heart." There's no right time either. It's a tough thing to do but it's better that he did it now than to drag it on and on.
What did I do wrong?
Nothing. There are 7 billion people on the planet and just about all of them will not be a good match for you. It's just the way it is. Some people are a fit; some are not. There is no right or wrong. Same applies to him; finding the right match will take time.
How can I get over him?
You first realize that it won't happen overnight. Getting over someone, at a minimum, takes time. So allow yourself some time to cry and feel bad. But after a while, each day gets better.
What should I do now?
Cry. Feel sad. Talk to friends. Go shopping. Buy new clothes and new shoes. Change your hair style. Go to places you've never gone before. Mingle with friends. Make new friends. Flirt with other boys. Keep yourself busy. But whatever you do, don't listen to country music; that stuff is worse for you than a sledgehammer across your head.
By the way, here are the lyrics to the song I quote above (it's not a country song):
I held her close to me
Coz I know she breaks so easily
And then I told her
Though I knew no matter how I tried to console her
Then she'd do the best she could
But there are times the best is no damn good
And no matter how you try to be kind
There's always still a part of you you'll leave behind
When they fall apart
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart.
I lied and told her she'll be fine
Though we both knew it was just a lie
I had to do it
Coz I had said anything to help me get through it.
And she reached out for my hand
And her simple touch was more than I could stand
And I had to turn away coz I knew
All the hurt that she was feeling, I was feeling too
When they fall apart
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart.
She could've gotten angry
And made me feel like a guilty child
But I realized that never was her style
I wanted her to hurt me
And not treat me like a friend
I wanted her to say "there'd be someday
I'd come crawling on my knees to ask her back again"
But she acted like a lady till the end
Oh, what a lady!
I thought that she'd bring down
But she smiled at me and never made a sound
And I guess she understood in her way
Coz her silence told me everything she could not say
When they fall apart
There's easy way to break
There's just no easy way
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart...
She was too quick to reveal her true feelings
Someone, 24, from Somewhere, asks:
Hi Victor, I stumbled on this blog and I couldn't stop reading, love all of your advice. Now for my question.
I liked a guy before, but I was too quick to reveal my true feelings when he asked me out, so that didn't last too long. I decided to have my guard up for the next guy that comes along, plus my friends were telling me guys like the chase. Well, guy #2 was chasing me. He was the sweetest, most affectionate guy ever and he kept telling me how much I'm growing on him, even though I kept telling him I don't want to jump into anything too quickly. Well when I decided that he seems like a really nice guy so let me put my guard down for him, I got hurt. This has been a pattern. Guys fall for me all the time, but when the chase is over they don't want me and that's when I get hurt. What gives? Am I supposed to permanently keep my guard up or keep playing games to prevent myself from developing feelings? After all, once I started liking the guy the chase is over and he's going to hurt me. What is a girl supposed to do?
VictorM's advice:
You're suppose to keep trying. What else are you going to do? This is what dating is all about. And yes, getting hurt is part of the price you pay while searching for a life-time partner. Finding and keeping the right partner is not easy. If it was, there would be no country western music.
Hi Victor, I stumbled on this blog and I couldn't stop reading, love all of your advice. Now for my question.
I liked a guy before, but I was too quick to reveal my true feelings when he asked me out, so that didn't last too long. I decided to have my guard up for the next guy that comes along, plus my friends were telling me guys like the chase. Well, guy #2 was chasing me. He was the sweetest, most affectionate guy ever and he kept telling me how much I'm growing on him, even though I kept telling him I don't want to jump into anything too quickly. Well when I decided that he seems like a really nice guy so let me put my guard down for him, I got hurt. This has been a pattern. Guys fall for me all the time, but when the chase is over they don't want me and that's when I get hurt. What gives? Am I supposed to permanently keep my guard up or keep playing games to prevent myself from developing feelings? After all, once I started liking the guy the chase is over and he's going to hurt me. What is a girl supposed to do?
VictorM's advice:
You're suppose to keep trying. What else are you going to do? This is what dating is all about. And yes, getting hurt is part of the price you pay while searching for a life-time partner. Finding and keeping the right partner is not easy. If it was, there would be no country western music.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
She liked him the first time she saw him
Hoplessly Hopeful, 18, from Ohio, asks:
Ok so I am a freshman in college now, and I have bit of a problem. My second day in my dorm, I walked past this guy's room and saw him for the first time, and instantly in my head I knew I was going to like this guy. Later that day, I actually met him and I was right, I really really like him. Well, he is my R.A. as it turns out, but that isn't the problem. He seems to pay more attention to me than he does to the other girls on my floor, he draws pictures on my dry erase board, and whenever I go out he tells me to be careful, but not in just a friendly-have fun- sort of way, i can see in his eyes that he really means it, like he is telling me if anything happened to me, it would kill him. Also, the way he looks at me is different than how he looks at the other girls, like he is more interested in what I have to say. And his voice is gentler when he talks to me than when he talks to the other girls. All in all, it seems like he is at least a little bit interested in me, but here is the big problem... He has a girlfriend who he has been going out with for over a year. But she lives at least five hours away now because she transferred. Do you think I should just assume I don't have a shot with him and try to forget about my feelings or is it ok to cling to the hope that he will decide that a long distance relationship isn't worth the struggle while he has me literally right down the hall?
VictorM's advice:
You should not interfere with his relationship (don't flirt, don't be a participant in him cheating) but that's not to say you shouldn't be as nice to him as possible and hope that he will leave her.
You're running a risk that you're wasting your time, but come on, just based purely on odds, there's a good chance their relationship won't last. Add in the long distance and the odds against them staying a couple are high.
And hey, if meanwhile he's gotten to know you and chooses to break-up with her to give you a shot, well, who are you to complain?
Ok so I am a freshman in college now, and I have bit of a problem. My second day in my dorm, I walked past this guy's room and saw him for the first time, and instantly in my head I knew I was going to like this guy. Later that day, I actually met him and I was right, I really really like him. Well, he is my R.A. as it turns out, but that isn't the problem. He seems to pay more attention to me than he does to the other girls on my floor, he draws pictures on my dry erase board, and whenever I go out he tells me to be careful, but not in just a friendly-have fun- sort of way, i can see in his eyes that he really means it, like he is telling me if anything happened to me, it would kill him. Also, the way he looks at me is different than how he looks at the other girls, like he is more interested in what I have to say. And his voice is gentler when he talks to me than when he talks to the other girls. All in all, it seems like he is at least a little bit interested in me, but here is the big problem... He has a girlfriend who he has been going out with for over a year. But she lives at least five hours away now because she transferred. Do you think I should just assume I don't have a shot with him and try to forget about my feelings or is it ok to cling to the hope that he will decide that a long distance relationship isn't worth the struggle while he has me literally right down the hall?
VictorM's advice:
You should not interfere with his relationship (don't flirt, don't be a participant in him cheating) but that's not to say you shouldn't be as nice to him as possible and hope that he will leave her.
You're running a risk that you're wasting your time, but come on, just based purely on odds, there's a good chance their relationship won't last. Add in the long distance and the odds against them staying a couple are high.
And hey, if meanwhile he's gotten to know you and chooses to break-up with her to give you a shot, well, who are you to complain?
They have always been very lovey dovey but lately...
katie, 19, from georgia, asks:
I have been dating the same guy for a year and 4 months now. We have always been very lovey dovey but lately he seems to not be so much and he tells me I can be somewhat clingy. My friends tell me when he does something that bothers me, like not calling me back or something, then I should ignore it and act like I don't care. They say I should act like I don't care what he does and act like I'm too busy for him anyway... and this should somehow make him want me more??? I don't think this is good advice. Do you? What should I do? I know he loves me but I think he feels like he doesn't have to show me anymore and I miss how he used to act.
VictorM's advice:
Your friends are full of shit. Don't listen to them. They're suggesting you play games when direct communication is the way to go.
But Katie, I think you're going to be hard-pressed to find a guy that will give you the same level of attention one year later as he did in the first few weeks or months. In fact, it sounds like this guy lasted a lot longer than most. A slow down is normal and more reflective of what life will most likely be.
And yes, girls are more into the small stuff and have a much stronger need for repetitive reinforcement that he still loves. It can get downright annoying (or clingy, as he put it). Guys generally have a tough time understanding why they need to repeat so often something that you already know.
You need to lower your expectations somewhat and talk to him about how you feel. Emphasize the positive. For example, instead of saying: "I feel sad when you don't call me", say: "I feel so happy when you call me", "I loved it the last time you [insert action here]".
I have been dating the same guy for a year and 4 months now. We have always been very lovey dovey but lately he seems to not be so much and he tells me I can be somewhat clingy. My friends tell me when he does something that bothers me, like not calling me back or something, then I should ignore it and act like I don't care. They say I should act like I don't care what he does and act like I'm too busy for him anyway... and this should somehow make him want me more??? I don't think this is good advice. Do you? What should I do? I know he loves me but I think he feels like he doesn't have to show me anymore and I miss how he used to act.
VictorM's advice:
Your friends are full of shit. Don't listen to them. They're suggesting you play games when direct communication is the way to go.
But Katie, I think you're going to be hard-pressed to find a guy that will give you the same level of attention one year later as he did in the first few weeks or months. In fact, it sounds like this guy lasted a lot longer than most. A slow down is normal and more reflective of what life will most likely be.
And yes, girls are more into the small stuff and have a much stronger need for repetitive reinforcement that he still loves. It can get downright annoying (or clingy, as he put it). Guys generally have a tough time understanding why they need to repeat so often something that you already know.
You need to lower your expectations somewhat and talk to him about how you feel. Emphasize the positive. For example, instead of saying: "I feel sad when you don't call me", say: "I feel so happy when you call me", "I loved it the last time you [insert action here]".
Here's the problem...no sex
jenna, 40, from oregon, asks:
I have been in a relationship for 11 years. This person is my best friend and we spend most of our time with each other. Here's the problem...no sex, we go from having sex all the time until 4 years ago to absolutely nothing. I've tried asking him what was wrong in this area of our relationship and it gets reversed to me saying I'm not interested. I can account for most of his time so I don't think cheating is an issue and there is no porn. He says he loves me all the time etc etc... I'm not a troll and take care of myself, so what's the problem?
VictorM's advice:
You don't specify his age, but I'm going to assume he's somewhat older than you, which is an age when it's very possible that there are physical reasons for his behavior. The aging process affects different men differently, and so it's possible that your guy is exhibiting some of the problems that cause a decrease in his libido.
So remove yourself from the equation; you are not the problem. And don't approach this as simply a loss of a pleasurable activity. You both need to consider two possibilities: one, that his decrease in desire is a symptom of something more serious with him that needs to be identified and treated; or two, that it's just part of the aging process but given our medical knowledge today it doesn't have to stay that way
In either case, get him to see a doctor to deal specifically with this issue.
I have been in a relationship for 11 years. This person is my best friend and we spend most of our time with each other. Here's the problem...no sex, we go from having sex all the time until 4 years ago to absolutely nothing. I've tried asking him what was wrong in this area of our relationship and it gets reversed to me saying I'm not interested. I can account for most of his time so I don't think cheating is an issue and there is no porn. He says he loves me all the time etc etc... I'm not a troll and take care of myself, so what's the problem?
VictorM's advice:
You don't specify his age, but I'm going to assume he's somewhat older than you, which is an age when it's very possible that there are physical reasons for his behavior. The aging process affects different men differently, and so it's possible that your guy is exhibiting some of the problems that cause a decrease in his libido.
So remove yourself from the equation; you are not the problem. And don't approach this as simply a loss of a pleasurable activity. You both need to consider two possibilities: one, that his decrease in desire is a symptom of something more serious with him that needs to be identified and treated; or two, that it's just part of the aging process but given our medical knowledge today it doesn't have to stay that way
In either case, get him to see a doctor to deal specifically with this issue.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
She thought he was completely wrong for her
Liana, 16, from NY, asks:
I met a guy in September who I thought was completely wrong for me. But things changed and we began to really hit it off. I am so attracted to him. The thing is, he is not my type at all. I date tall dark and handsome assholes, and he is the not so tall, not so handsome, smart and sweet guy. I have never dated someone in school. He is in my school, and its definitely something new. The certain things I look for in personality are also missing ... but I feel comfortable with him. It's refreshing to have a sweet guy around once in a while. I can't help but look at the bad side. I like him, but I'm not crazy about him. I just don't understand why all this materialistic bullshit keeps getting in the way... how can I stop and learn to love him for who he really is?
VictorM's advice:
In our culture we have included appearances in the list of mating parameters. Right or wrong, that's how we are. As they say: "Only ugly people say it's what's on the inside that counts." The truth is that for most of us, appearances are part of the package. We tend to look for people that are more or less in our bracket when it comes to looks.
The good news is that the longer we love someone, the less looks matter.
I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel. In fact, I find it commendable that you're bothered that you're uncomfortable with some of his shortcomings. But over time, you'll either find his negatives too much to overcome and end it with him or you'll grow to love him to the point where the negatives won't matter.
Whatever the outcome, the important question will be: are you happy? And in the long run, that's all that matters.
I met a guy in September who I thought was completely wrong for me. But things changed and we began to really hit it off. I am so attracted to him. The thing is, he is not my type at all. I date tall dark and handsome assholes, and he is the not so tall, not so handsome, smart and sweet guy. I have never dated someone in school. He is in my school, and its definitely something new. The certain things I look for in personality are also missing ... but I feel comfortable with him. It's refreshing to have a sweet guy around once in a while. I can't help but look at the bad side. I like him, but I'm not crazy about him. I just don't understand why all this materialistic bullshit keeps getting in the way... how can I stop and learn to love him for who he really is?
VictorM's advice:
In our culture we have included appearances in the list of mating parameters. Right or wrong, that's how we are. As they say: "Only ugly people say it's what's on the inside that counts." The truth is that for most of us, appearances are part of the package. We tend to look for people that are more or less in our bracket when it comes to looks.
The good news is that the longer we love someone, the less looks matter.
I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel. In fact, I find it commendable that you're bothered that you're uncomfortable with some of his shortcomings. But over time, you'll either find his negatives too much to overcome and end it with him or you'll grow to love him to the point where the negatives won't matter.
Whatever the outcome, the important question will be: are you happy? And in the long run, that's all that matters.
She's in quite a mess of feelings
jessica, 24, from orlando, asks:
Well I'm in quite a mess of feelings. I moved to Orlando with my fiance whom I feel "safe" and love him in a way that's... well, I love him but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him. Where it gets worse is I get a job bartending where a fellow bartender whom is older by 11 years has been showing quite some interest. One night we went out after work and I got pretty smashed. We ended up at his house. We made out and he felt me up before I came to my senses and took a cab home. He insisted I stay at his house but I left. The next day wasn't too awkward. He asked me if I was "in trouble", I told him that I spoke with my fiance and gave the ring back because I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I left it at that. I really like this bartender, but I don't know if my promiscuity blew my chances.
VictorM's advice:
Unless you omitted stuff that happened that night, I see no promiscuity at all.
What you might be wondering is about being "smashed". I don't know too many guys who get serious about a girl and find it attractive that she gets smashed. Maybe it's difference in a world of bartenders but I wouldn't rule out that he's turned off by people who drink stupidly.
Well I'm in quite a mess of feelings. I moved to Orlando with my fiance whom I feel "safe" and love him in a way that's... well, I love him but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him. Where it gets worse is I get a job bartending where a fellow bartender whom is older by 11 years has been showing quite some interest. One night we went out after work and I got pretty smashed. We ended up at his house. We made out and he felt me up before I came to my senses and took a cab home. He insisted I stay at his house but I left. The next day wasn't too awkward. He asked me if I was "in trouble", I told him that I spoke with my fiance and gave the ring back because I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I left it at that. I really like this bartender, but I don't know if my promiscuity blew my chances.
VictorM's advice:
Unless you omitted stuff that happened that night, I see no promiscuity at all.
What you might be wondering is about being "smashed". I don't know too many guys who get serious about a girl and find it attractive that she gets smashed. Maybe it's difference in a world of bartenders but I wouldn't rule out that he's turned off by people who drink stupidly.
He just wasn't listening to anything she said
brianna, asks:
I'm in a long distance relationship right now. I spoke to my boyfriend yesterday and all of a sudden he brings up things that he's never even said before. He constantly kept asking me about how I feel about this relationship and he says he wonders what it would be like to see other people to supposedly know that we're right for each other. When I tried to explain to him about this before, he just wasn't listening to anything I said and he always got really really upset when I brought up the topic, which caused a few arguments. He would always jump to conclusions thinking that this was just an excuse to see other people. Why the sudden change in mind? I don't wanna assume anything. I'm just really lost here. All of a sudden he wants to do this?
Please help!
VictorM's advice:
If he got mad when you brought it up then he had to be listening, don't you think? He just didn't like it back then, and that's not the same as not listening.
Now you're getting upset at the suggestion and almost ready to jump to conclusions, just as he did back then. What's the difference?
Look, you're both acting immature and playing games you shouldn't be. You know if you're right for each other by getting to know each other. But the long distance complicates things. I don't think his suggestion is as much to know if you're right for each other as it is that he's frustrated with a virtual girlfriend.
I won't bother taking a guess at what your reasons were for making the suggestion back then, but I bet if you look deep down inside, you were distorting the real reasons.
I'm in a long distance relationship right now. I spoke to my boyfriend yesterday and all of a sudden he brings up things that he's never even said before. He constantly kept asking me about how I feel about this relationship and he says he wonders what it would be like to see other people to supposedly know that we're right for each other. When I tried to explain to him about this before, he just wasn't listening to anything I said and he always got really really upset when I brought up the topic, which caused a few arguments. He would always jump to conclusions thinking that this was just an excuse to see other people. Why the sudden change in mind? I don't wanna assume anything. I'm just really lost here. All of a sudden he wants to do this?
Please help!
VictorM's advice:
If he got mad when you brought it up then he had to be listening, don't you think? He just didn't like it back then, and that's not the same as not listening.
Now you're getting upset at the suggestion and almost ready to jump to conclusions, just as he did back then. What's the difference?
Look, you're both acting immature and playing games you shouldn't be. You know if you're right for each other by getting to know each other. But the long distance complicates things. I don't think his suggestion is as much to know if you're right for each other as it is that he's frustrated with a virtual girlfriend.
I won't bother taking a guess at what your reasons were for making the suggestion back then, but I bet if you look deep down inside, you were distorting the real reasons.
Is he planning on breaking up with her, part 2
Lisa, 18, from Washington, asks:
Hi Victor, its me again from "Is he planning on breaking up with her" Thank you for your reply on the last post, It made me think about things in a different perspective.
You did mention that guys spend a lot of effort getting the girl and not so much effort keeping one. He doesn't act like I'm his girlfriend, he never calls, and never really makes the effort to hang out with me. You say he isn't wanting to break up with me, but then is this the way it's always going to be? Do you think I should talk to him and explain to him how I feel? Will it be too stressful for him and cause him to want to end the relationship again? Or should I wait a couple weeks and see how he acts and then say something if nothing has changed? Please help! Thank you :)
I would very much appreciate it if you could reply to those for me :) thank you victor!
VictorM's advice:
The longer you wait to do/say something, the worst it will get. Again, guys are lazy and will keep doing something they can get away with. You need to get tough, however, you seem to have no leverage. You're more afraid to lose someone who's not into you than you are of seeking someone who appreciates you and pays you the proper attention. This kind of timid approach will always result in you getting attracted to guys who take you for granted.
If you want a boyfriend who is into you, you MUST be willing to lose this one. Either he lives up to your expectations or you move on. But that's the question, do you have what it takes to speak-up?
If you do, refrain from making accusations and making him sound like the bad guy, but be clear about how you want to be treated and what you expect from a boyfriend. Always talk about what you feel and what you want, not about what he does now.
And if he doesn't respond well, you really can't blame anyone but yourself if you stay with him.
Hi Victor, its me again from "Is he planning on breaking up with her" Thank you for your reply on the last post, It made me think about things in a different perspective.
You did mention that guys spend a lot of effort getting the girl and not so much effort keeping one. He doesn't act like I'm his girlfriend, he never calls, and never really makes the effort to hang out with me. You say he isn't wanting to break up with me, but then is this the way it's always going to be? Do you think I should talk to him and explain to him how I feel? Will it be too stressful for him and cause him to want to end the relationship again? Or should I wait a couple weeks and see how he acts and then say something if nothing has changed? Please help! Thank you :)
I would very much appreciate it if you could reply to those for me :) thank you victor!
VictorM's advice:
The longer you wait to do/say something, the worst it will get. Again, guys are lazy and will keep doing something they can get away with. You need to get tough, however, you seem to have no leverage. You're more afraid to lose someone who's not into you than you are of seeking someone who appreciates you and pays you the proper attention. This kind of timid approach will always result in you getting attracted to guys who take you for granted.
If you want a boyfriend who is into you, you MUST be willing to lose this one. Either he lives up to your expectations or you move on. But that's the question, do you have what it takes to speak-up?
If you do, refrain from making accusations and making him sound like the bad guy, but be clear about how you want to be treated and what you expect from a boyfriend. Always talk about what you feel and what you want, not about what he does now.
And if he doesn't respond well, you really can't blame anyone but yourself if you stay with him.
Meg is back
Meg, 26, from Sweden, asks:
Hello Victor,
Thanks a lot for your advice earlier...
I am not sure if he is changing his mind or what, can you please explain for me, thanks in advance.
The life changes he is going through (which I mentioned earlier), he is starting his own business. I invited him to a friends' gathering by saying that he should meet more people in order to expand his network for business, which I expected him to say "No!". Surprisingly, he really show up at the gathering and we had been sitting really close to each other. Though I have told my friends earlier, the two of us are "just friends", but my friends don't believe it. They even commented that there is "something" going on between you two.
Well, I ignored my friends comments, as I know there are problems behind the two of us, that he still wanna be with his girlfriend. Yet, I really don't understand why would he show up? Is it simply just that he wanna meet more people, or does he mean something else which I couldn't figure out?
Please help!!!
VictorM"s advice:
First of all, it sounds like he went to the gathering because it was a good opportunity for the business. In fact, that's the probably the only reason he went.
Now, even if he feels something for you, and when in your presence that attraction comes through (what your friends noticed), what I said last time still stands: he doesn't feel enough to dump his girlfriend and give you a go. He will not burn any bridges with you; he will be nice and attentive, but that's still a long way from being willing to making changes in his life -- he's not doing that!
So you continue to be a possibility and nothing more. The fall back girl seldom takes center stage. You can hope, but your chances are slim.
Hello Victor,
Thanks a lot for your advice earlier...
I am not sure if he is changing his mind or what, can you please explain for me, thanks in advance.
The life changes he is going through (which I mentioned earlier), he is starting his own business. I invited him to a friends' gathering by saying that he should meet more people in order to expand his network for business, which I expected him to say "No!". Surprisingly, he really show up at the gathering and we had been sitting really close to each other. Though I have told my friends earlier, the two of us are "just friends", but my friends don't believe it. They even commented that there is "something" going on between you two.
Well, I ignored my friends comments, as I know there are problems behind the two of us, that he still wanna be with his girlfriend. Yet, I really don't understand why would he show up? Is it simply just that he wanna meet more people, or does he mean something else which I couldn't figure out?
Please help!!!
VictorM"s advice:
First of all, it sounds like he went to the gathering because it was a good opportunity for the business. In fact, that's the probably the only reason he went.
Now, even if he feels something for you, and when in your presence that attraction comes through (what your friends noticed), what I said last time still stands: he doesn't feel enough to dump his girlfriend and give you a go. He will not burn any bridges with you; he will be nice and attentive, but that's still a long way from being willing to making changes in his life -- he's not doing that!
So you continue to be a possibility and nothing more. The fall back girl seldom takes center stage. You can hope, but your chances are slim.
Should she go to Idaho to be with him?
Marina, 18, from Elk Grove, CA, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year and he just recently went to Idaho for college. I see him every two weeks and things are still great! We have so much trust and I am confident about our relationship. The problem however is me and college. I am still a senior and have been applying to a lot of schools. The plan is to move in with him and go to school in Idaho, but I feel like going to college for a guy is not a good reason. But then again, I feel if I go somewhere else, everything is hopeless and I will regret losing him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Speaking as someone not emotionally involved, of course you should go to the best school you can get yourself in. The odds that this one guy will be your partner for life are very slim; the odds that a great education will impact you for a lifetime are very high. Besides, what if you get there and you two break-up (it happens a lot when kids get to college and go a bit wild). Besides, what is there to do in Idaho for fun but go tipping cows?
Assuming you go to another school, even if your relationship can't withstand the distance (and depending where you go will determine how often you'll be able to see each other), you may always run into each other later in life and resume your romance, but once you go to a school that is less than you desire, you really aren't going to go back and do it over, are you?
There is no question that if you chose to go to another school it will most likely mean the end of your relationship because he'll likely feel betrayed or think that you just don't care enough.
For someone like me who is not involved the decision is an easy one; for you it will be a hard one.
If anyone else wants to offer Marina their opinion, please use the visitor comments section below.
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year and he just recently went to Idaho for college. I see him every two weeks and things are still great! We have so much trust and I am confident about our relationship. The problem however is me and college. I am still a senior and have been applying to a lot of schools. The plan is to move in with him and go to school in Idaho, but I feel like going to college for a guy is not a good reason. But then again, I feel if I go somewhere else, everything is hopeless and I will regret losing him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Speaking as someone not emotionally involved, of course you should go to the best school you can get yourself in. The odds that this one guy will be your partner for life are very slim; the odds that a great education will impact you for a lifetime are very high. Besides, what if you get there and you two break-up (it happens a lot when kids get to college and go a bit wild). Besides, what is there to do in Idaho for fun but go tipping cows?
Assuming you go to another school, even if your relationship can't withstand the distance (and depending where you go will determine how often you'll be able to see each other), you may always run into each other later in life and resume your romance, but once you go to a school that is less than you desire, you really aren't going to go back and do it over, are you?
There is no question that if you chose to go to another school it will most likely mean the end of your relationship because he'll likely feel betrayed or think that you just don't care enough.
For someone like me who is not involved the decision is an easy one; for you it will be a hard one.
If anyone else wants to offer Marina their opinion, please use the visitor comments section below.
Is he cruel for not popping the question?
Bree, 23, from NY, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months. I am almost 24, he is 28. We recently moved in together and are very much in love. We both have steady, good paying jobs that we enjoy. He talks about a future with me (buying a house, having kids, a wedding). He had mentioned dates of possible proposals....but they have all come and went. (HE mentioned the dates in MAY). He planned a beautiful vacation to California for us and I thought it could maybe happen there...but it didn't. I don't bug him or really ask about when or if its going to happen because I don't want to pressure him.
My dad (being the old fashioned Italian dad) asked him recently what his intentions are with me. He said he wants to marry me someday. HIS friends also asked him while we were moving "When are you two going to get engaged?" (THAT COMMENT WAS FROM A GUY!) (ALL of his friends are married or engaged also). He told them that we would in the future.
I just don't understand why he is dragging his feet with this? Its not like he's waiting because he's planning some big thing (which is fine) or for a romantic moment...he's already missed a TON. He's not waiting to save $ for a ring (he already has plenty of that to spend on a ring (his words....not mine), and I DON'T want an expensive one anyway - and he knows that).
I am just getting tired and frustrated with being disappointed about potential dates and events (THAT HE MENTIONED) that come and go with NO proposal. For instance, he said he'd like to maybe do it at a baseball game (since I am a BIG fan). He took me to a game for our anniversary (although the game was several months after the anniversary)- the announcers at one point said..."Its proposal time.." and on the screen came a proposal (obviously NOT for me) - at which point my heart just sank.
He had even handed me a small catalog of jewelry from I think Kays and told me to pick out stuff I liked.....the small catalog was like maybe 8 pages long....7 of which were ALL engagement or wedding rings....turns out he meant the ONE page of NON Wedding jewelry.
I don't want to wake up like 2 years from now and STILL not be engaged after living with him for that long (because I know the years can go by quick - I was in a SIX YEAR relationship before this with no engagement either - in which I heard the "I'm going to propose to you in the future" lines as well).
I know that 16 months isn't an incredibly long time....but if you're going to give a girl possible dates of proposals, don't you think its cruel to NOT do it???
Any insight?
VictorM's advice:
Cruel? No, not at all. You only think so because you're thinking like a girl, but he's thinking like a guy, and in guy world, he's doing it right.
You think he gave you dates, but he was just brainstorming, not planning. You envision perfect places for the proposal but that's your romantic mind at play while he is, again, just considering possibilities, adding them to the memory banks for when he's ready to propose. Further, to you a marriage proposal is this enormous, life-altering event that you have been dreaming about since you're a little girl and will probably talk about the rest of your life. To him it's damn annoying obligation that this stupid society came up. OK, he may not really feel about it like this, but I can bet he places a lot less importance on it than you do.
That doesn't mean he won't want to do it nicely and try to surprise you, but how can he surprise you if you're always expecting it? Thinking about it, if anyone is cruel is you because you're spoiling it for him (OK, I'm overreaching but still... you're too eager).
And yes, 16 months is nothing! I know you're burned from before, but look, if that last relationship went for 6 years and produced no proposal, and you didn't see it coming earlier, and you lament that a proposal didn't happen more than you lament it ending, it sounds to me that you're more bent on getting engaged than you are in getting engaged to the right guy. And who knows, maybe your boyfriend is sensing that you're too eager at the expense of making the right choice.
Stop thinking of an engagement, get to really know your boyfriend, enjoy your trips and your baseball for what they are, and simmer your ovaries down. Don't expect an engagement for several years. Like the old saying... "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed."
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months. I am almost 24, he is 28. We recently moved in together and are very much in love. We both have steady, good paying jobs that we enjoy. He talks about a future with me (buying a house, having kids, a wedding). He had mentioned dates of possible proposals....but they have all come and went. (HE mentioned the dates in MAY). He planned a beautiful vacation to California for us and I thought it could maybe happen there...but it didn't. I don't bug him or really ask about when or if its going to happen because I don't want to pressure him.
My dad (being the old fashioned Italian dad) asked him recently what his intentions are with me. He said he wants to marry me someday. HIS friends also asked him while we were moving "When are you two going to get engaged?" (THAT COMMENT WAS FROM A GUY!) (ALL of his friends are married or engaged also). He told them that we would in the future.
I just don't understand why he is dragging his feet with this? Its not like he's waiting because he's planning some big thing (which is fine) or for a romantic moment...he's already missed a TON. He's not waiting to save $ for a ring (he already has plenty of that to spend on a ring (his words....not mine), and I DON'T want an expensive one anyway - and he knows that).
I am just getting tired and frustrated with being disappointed about potential dates and events (THAT HE MENTIONED) that come and go with NO proposal. For instance, he said he'd like to maybe do it at a baseball game (since I am a BIG fan). He took me to a game for our anniversary (although the game was several months after the anniversary)- the announcers at one point said..."Its proposal time.." and on the screen came a proposal (obviously NOT for me) - at which point my heart just sank.
He had even handed me a small catalog of jewelry from I think Kays and told me to pick out stuff I liked.....the small catalog was like maybe 8 pages long....7 of which were ALL engagement or wedding rings....turns out he meant the ONE page of NON Wedding jewelry.
I don't want to wake up like 2 years from now and STILL not be engaged after living with him for that long (because I know the years can go by quick - I was in a SIX YEAR relationship before this with no engagement either - in which I heard the "I'm going to propose to you in the future" lines as well).
I know that 16 months isn't an incredibly long time....but if you're going to give a girl possible dates of proposals, don't you think its cruel to NOT do it???
Any insight?
VictorM's advice:
Cruel? No, not at all. You only think so because you're thinking like a girl, but he's thinking like a guy, and in guy world, he's doing it right.
You think he gave you dates, but he was just brainstorming, not planning. You envision perfect places for the proposal but that's your romantic mind at play while he is, again, just considering possibilities, adding them to the memory banks for when he's ready to propose. Further, to you a marriage proposal is this enormous, life-altering event that you have been dreaming about since you're a little girl and will probably talk about the rest of your life. To him it's damn annoying obligation that this stupid society came up. OK, he may not really feel about it like this, but I can bet he places a lot less importance on it than you do.
That doesn't mean he won't want to do it nicely and try to surprise you, but how can he surprise you if you're always expecting it? Thinking about it, if anyone is cruel is you because you're spoiling it for him (OK, I'm overreaching but still... you're too eager).
And yes, 16 months is nothing! I know you're burned from before, but look, if that last relationship went for 6 years and produced no proposal, and you didn't see it coming earlier, and you lament that a proposal didn't happen more than you lament it ending, it sounds to me that you're more bent on getting engaged than you are in getting engaged to the right guy. And who knows, maybe your boyfriend is sensing that you're too eager at the expense of making the right choice.
Stop thinking of an engagement, get to really know your boyfriend, enjoy your trips and your baseball for what they are, and simmer your ovaries down. Don't expect an engagement for several years. Like the old saying... "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed."
He never makes time for her
Brittany, 20, from TX, asks:
Lately my boyfriend of 6 years (on and off, together the past 3 years seriously) has been acting a lot different. He never makes time for me, he always wants to be with his guy friends! I don't remember the last time we made love, or even kissed at that. He keeps doing things that I specifically ask him not to, and he is just not the same person I fell in love with... what does this mean????
VictorM's advice:
It means that you should break-up with him and find a new boyfriend.
Oh, you can wait around hoping that he changes back to the way he was, but that will be a waste of your time. Or you can wait till the day he dumps you, but who knows when he'll get the nerve to do it. I think you're better off taking the initiative yourself, and now.
Lately my boyfriend of 6 years (on and off, together the past 3 years seriously) has been acting a lot different. He never makes time for me, he always wants to be with his guy friends! I don't remember the last time we made love, or even kissed at that. He keeps doing things that I specifically ask him not to, and he is just not the same person I fell in love with... what does this mean????
VictorM's advice:
It means that you should break-up with him and find a new boyfriend.
Oh, you can wait around hoping that he changes back to the way he was, but that will be a waste of your time. Or you can wait till the day he dumps you, but who knows when he'll get the nerve to do it. I think you're better off taking the initiative yourself, and now.
Monday, October 15, 2007
He left to return to his home country
DB, 34, from US, asks:
I am in a long distance relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. He is from another country and works in the US. He works in a state other than mine. Last week I visited him, and we had a wonderful time. In fact, we had the best time we've ever had. I have never felt closer to him. I am absolutely, positively certain that he felt the same. When we parted, he left to return to his home country for a few months. He said he would call me when he got there. Two days went by and no call. I called him, left a message and he did not return my call. I called again the next day - he did not answer his phone. I then called his sister's phone. He came to the phone and seemed happy to hear me. He was very nice, assuring me he'd just been busy and then he quickly said he needed to go and that he'd call me later. I told him that it was very important to me that he call me back because I really wanted to talk to him. He never called back. I know that he misses his family and friends terribly when he is in the US and that he was extremely excited to return home, so I left him a message saying, "I understand that you are spending time with your family and friends now but please please don't ignore me. Everything is so great between us and I don't want it to end." I then made a flirty joke about a situation we had laughed about during our visit and said goodbye.
Long distance relationships are so difficult and I don't want to lose him - so what do I do from here? Did I overreact and handle this wrong and if so, is there anything I can do now?
VictorM's advice:
I just returned from visiting my country myself and I can tell you, between the air travel, the different time zones, the spending time with friends and family (and food and drinking as if to make up for lost time), the traveling around, chaotic sleeping schedule (until he adjusts to the hours), time flies by and getting to a phone is not as easy as it sounds.
My advice is for you to back off and let him enjoy being back without feeling that he must call you on a set schedule. Eventually, his pace will slow down and he should start talking to you again. But you shouldn't worry if it takes a little while.
I don't think you made a mistake. It's good for him to know you're thinking of him. But now give him space.
I am in a long distance relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. He is from another country and works in the US. He works in a state other than mine. Last week I visited him, and we had a wonderful time. In fact, we had the best time we've ever had. I have never felt closer to him. I am absolutely, positively certain that he felt the same. When we parted, he left to return to his home country for a few months. He said he would call me when he got there. Two days went by and no call. I called him, left a message and he did not return my call. I called again the next day - he did not answer his phone. I then called his sister's phone. He came to the phone and seemed happy to hear me. He was very nice, assuring me he'd just been busy and then he quickly said he needed to go and that he'd call me later. I told him that it was very important to me that he call me back because I really wanted to talk to him. He never called back. I know that he misses his family and friends terribly when he is in the US and that he was extremely excited to return home, so I left him a message saying, "I understand that you are spending time with your family and friends now but please please don't ignore me. Everything is so great between us and I don't want it to end." I then made a flirty joke about a situation we had laughed about during our visit and said goodbye.
Long distance relationships are so difficult and I don't want to lose him - so what do I do from here? Did I overreact and handle this wrong and if so, is there anything I can do now?
VictorM's advice:
I just returned from visiting my country myself and I can tell you, between the air travel, the different time zones, the spending time with friends and family (and food and drinking as if to make up for lost time), the traveling around, chaotic sleeping schedule (until he adjusts to the hours), time flies by and getting to a phone is not as easy as it sounds.
My advice is for you to back off and let him enjoy being back without feeling that he must call you on a set schedule. Eventually, his pace will slow down and he should start talking to you again. But you shouldn't worry if it takes a little while.
I don't think you made a mistake. It's good for him to know you're thinking of him. But now give him space.
Kate and Jack up on the hill
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Heya!
Things with me and Jack have been absolutely wonderful, but I do have three separate questions.
1. I want to tell Jack I like him. I'm 100% sure he likes me. Should I, or just let things be? And if yes, how should I do it? Directly or subtly?
2. My mom says that I should invite him over for dinner. Is that too much for a first date and too "let's get married"esque? Would it be too weird???
3. What are some good ideas for group and solo dates, that work for 13 and 14 year olds?
Please help me ASAP! Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
1. No! Do NOT tell him that you like him. Don't even think of telling him for a while.
2. I know your mom means well, but dinner? Is she crazy? Grown man are terrified of dinner with the parents, much less a 13 year old boy. Forget it. It's too much of a risk.
3. Go to one of those hotels that charge by the hour. (I kid! I kid!!!) You want to go to places where you two can be with each other but don't have to talk all the time cause that can get weird. Going to a movie, for example, is a good idea cause you can sit side by side but don't have to talk during the movie and after it, you have the movie to talk about. But buy just one bag of popcorn so you could share it and bump hands together.
Was this ASAP enough for you? :)
Heya!
Things with me and Jack have been absolutely wonderful, but I do have three separate questions.
1. I want to tell Jack I like him. I'm 100% sure he likes me. Should I, or just let things be? And if yes, how should I do it? Directly or subtly?
2. My mom says that I should invite him over for dinner. Is that too much for a first date and too "let's get married"esque? Would it be too weird???
3. What are some good ideas for group and solo dates, that work for 13 and 14 year olds?
Please help me ASAP! Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
1. No! Do NOT tell him that you like him. Don't even think of telling him for a while.
2. I know your mom means well, but dinner? Is she crazy? Grown man are terrified of dinner with the parents, much less a 13 year old boy. Forget it. It's too much of a risk.
3. Go to one of those hotels that charge by the hour. (I kid! I kid!!!) You want to go to places where you two can be with each other but don't have to talk all the time cause that can get weird. Going to a movie, for example, is a good idea cause you can sit side by side but don't have to talk during the movie and after it, you have the movie to talk about. But buy just one bag of popcorn so you could share it and bump hands together.
Was this ASAP enough for you? :)
Flirting like mad lately
Taylor, 19, from Toronto, asks:
There's this guy I like, and we've been flirting like MAD lately. We've been out together once and we plan to go out again. The other night we were chatting online and he was talking about how there's this girl he likes but doesn't want to get hurt, and that he's getting to know her a lot better. How likely is the possibility that he's talking about someone else? Or talking about me?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he's talking about you. Guys like to go slow. He's letting you know that.
There's this guy I like, and we've been flirting like MAD lately. We've been out together once and we plan to go out again. The other night we were chatting online and he was talking about how there's this girl he likes but doesn't want to get hurt, and that he's getting to know her a lot better. How likely is the possibility that he's talking about someone else? Or talking about me?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he's talking about you. Guys like to go slow. He's letting you know that.
She lends him money
Estrella, 40, from Puerto Rico, asks:
My boyfriend asked me to lend him money because he had some complications cashing some checks and it turned out the money was to go out with his friends on this day trip he planned for a long time. I lent him the money anyway because he always pays me back in a couple of days and wanted to be supportive. Now I am mortified because I feel I am sponsoring a behavior that bothers me and sure he is not going to even call while he is on this trip. During the week days and the weekends, when he has his kids, I always see him and have a great time but comes the weekends without them, we rarely go out. I feel that after lending him money I can not control what he does with it as long as he pays me back but this time I feel I am sponsoring what bothers me from the relationship. How can I communicate this to him or at least avoid lending him money again for his outings without making a big deal?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't lend him the money to go with his friends, you think he won't find someone else who will? Of course he will! You shouldn't use lending money as a way to get him to stop doing something you don't like. I'm not saying you should keep lending him money -- that's a bad habit and one that sooner or later is going to cause much grief -- I'm just saying you should talk to him about your displeasures without using the money as a weapon. Besides, you seem to have other issues with the guy where the money is not the issue.
By focusing on the money you're avoiding facing your real issues with him.
My boyfriend asked me to lend him money because he had some complications cashing some checks and it turned out the money was to go out with his friends on this day trip he planned for a long time. I lent him the money anyway because he always pays me back in a couple of days and wanted to be supportive. Now I am mortified because I feel I am sponsoring a behavior that bothers me and sure he is not going to even call while he is on this trip. During the week days and the weekends, when he has his kids, I always see him and have a great time but comes the weekends without them, we rarely go out. I feel that after lending him money I can not control what he does with it as long as he pays me back but this time I feel I am sponsoring what bothers me from the relationship. How can I communicate this to him or at least avoid lending him money again for his outings without making a big deal?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't lend him the money to go with his friends, you think he won't find someone else who will? Of course he will! You shouldn't use lending money as a way to get him to stop doing something you don't like. I'm not saying you should keep lending him money -- that's a bad habit and one that sooner or later is going to cause much grief -- I'm just saying you should talk to him about your displeasures without using the money as a weapon. Besides, you seem to have other issues with the guy where the money is not the issue.
By focusing on the money you're avoiding facing your real issues with him.
She thinks he lost interest
Lucy, 18, from Brisbane, Australia, asks:
Hi Victor
I've been friends with this boy for a month or so, and we keep in contact through texting/parties etc, and its fairly obvious that we like each other. He has repeatedly asked me to catch up, but he always asks me the night before he wants to see me, or to make it even worse, that night! I keep saying, "sorry, I'm busy" because he never gives me warning and I am actually busy! He has stopped asking me to catch up, and I think that he has lost interest. We are finishing our last year of high school, so it is important to do well in our exams in 3 weeks time, and then the week after his friends and my friends are going away to the beach to celebrate. (I might add here that the reason that we're going together is because I said I was going to go away that week with my friends, and then he said he wasn't, but wanted to, so I suggested that he book a hotel too).
I'm wondering whether you think that he's put off that I keep saying I'm busy, therefore he's lost interest, or if he's just waiting for that week when we go away to really get to know each other?
Thankyou!
Lucy
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's turned off and assumes that you have lost interest.
How about calling him and telling him that you feel bad you haven't been able to go out with him but would like to meet him on (pick a day/hour you know you can make it)? This will let him know you're still interested.
I think it would be wise to try to make some contact with him before you all go away so that the week starts on the right foot between you two.
Hi Victor
I've been friends with this boy for a month or so, and we keep in contact through texting/parties etc, and its fairly obvious that we like each other. He has repeatedly asked me to catch up, but he always asks me the night before he wants to see me, or to make it even worse, that night! I keep saying, "sorry, I'm busy" because he never gives me warning and I am actually busy! He has stopped asking me to catch up, and I think that he has lost interest. We are finishing our last year of high school, so it is important to do well in our exams in 3 weeks time, and then the week after his friends and my friends are going away to the beach to celebrate. (I might add here that the reason that we're going together is because I said I was going to go away that week with my friends, and then he said he wasn't, but wanted to, so I suggested that he book a hotel too).
I'm wondering whether you think that he's put off that I keep saying I'm busy, therefore he's lost interest, or if he's just waiting for that week when we go away to really get to know each other?
Thankyou!
Lucy
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that he's turned off and assumes that you have lost interest.
How about calling him and telling him that you feel bad you haven't been able to go out with him but would like to meet him on (pick a day/hour you know you can make it)? This will let him know you're still interested.
I think it would be wise to try to make some contact with him before you all go away so that the week starts on the right foot between you two.
She's afraid to lose him in Iraq
Megan, 16, from Texas, asks:
Hey! My name is Megan and I am currently dating a guy named Mike. He is a bit older...like 6 years, but that's not the point. Mike and I have known each other for 6 years and have been dating for 2. We are currently engaged.
Right now Mike is in Iraq. Our whole relationship has been long distance. We met in Louisiana and before I moved to Texas he joined the Army. I want to know if you think this will last. He drinks and occasionally goes out to party. And of course I get jealous, I'm 900 miles away.
We are in love but I'm scared that since he is 23 and I'm only 16, if when he gets back we are going to make it. I'm so scared to lose him in this war and I don't want to lose him when he gets home. (I'll just be finishing high school when he comes home). I'm just afraid that he might think another woman (older, more mature) would be better. Do you think that relationships that have an age gap and are long distance are going to last?
VictorM's advice:
It's natural, given where he is, that he drinks with his buddies. Iraq isn't exactly a vacation resort, even if some people would like you to believe that it is. He needs to release stress, somehow.
The age difference is not much of an issue, but the long distance thing is harder to deal with. However, if you worry about all that could go wrong, you'd never see anyone. Sure, there are risks, but that's what loving someone is all about. The best that you can do is stay connected and hope that it all works out. The rest if out of your control.
Hey! My name is Megan and I am currently dating a guy named Mike. He is a bit older...like 6 years, but that's not the point. Mike and I have known each other for 6 years and have been dating for 2. We are currently engaged.
Right now Mike is in Iraq. Our whole relationship has been long distance. We met in Louisiana and before I moved to Texas he joined the Army. I want to know if you think this will last. He drinks and occasionally goes out to party. And of course I get jealous, I'm 900 miles away.
We are in love but I'm scared that since he is 23 and I'm only 16, if when he gets back we are going to make it. I'm so scared to lose him in this war and I don't want to lose him when he gets home. (I'll just be finishing high school when he comes home). I'm just afraid that he might think another woman (older, more mature) would be better. Do you think that relationships that have an age gap and are long distance are going to last?
VictorM's advice:
It's natural, given where he is, that he drinks with his buddies. Iraq isn't exactly a vacation resort, even if some people would like you to believe that it is. He needs to release stress, somehow.
The age difference is not much of an issue, but the long distance thing is harder to deal with. However, if you worry about all that could go wrong, you'd never see anyone. Sure, there are risks, but that's what loving someone is all about. The best that you can do is stay connected and hope that it all works out. The rest if out of your control.
Disgusting porn and pornographic crap
jen, 34, from scotland, asks:
My partner continues to text disgusting porn and pornographic crap to his friend regarding us and his friend and his partner whom I am friends with to each other. To me it's something that only him and me should know about or fantasize about. Am I being paranoid or over sensitive?
VictorM's advice:
You are neither; you have every right to be upset. His actions are terribly irresponsible, immature, and disrespectful.
No else else should know that you two engage in disgusting porn and pornographic crap. I guess he just feels the need to brag.
Let me know when it reaches YouTube. :-p
My partner continues to text disgusting porn and pornographic crap to his friend regarding us and his friend and his partner whom I am friends with to each other. To me it's something that only him and me should know about or fantasize about. Am I being paranoid or over sensitive?
VictorM's advice:
You are neither; you have every right to be upset. His actions are terribly irresponsible, immature, and disrespectful.
No else else should know that you two engage in disgusting porn and pornographic crap. I guess he just feels the need to brag.
Let me know when it reaches YouTube. :-p
Should she make the first move?
Mindy, 16, from canada, asks:
I have a guy friend that I've been friends with for 3 years and he told me that he likes me and I like him back. Should I make the first move? If so, how should I do it?
VictorM's advice:
He told you he likes you; he's made the first move. Now, let him chase you. Be friendly but don't be too eager. Guys like to work for a girl's attention. Enjoy making him work for yours.
I have a guy friend that I've been friends with for 3 years and he told me that he likes me and I like him back. Should I make the first move? If so, how should I do it?
VictorM's advice:
He told you he likes you; he's made the first move. Now, let him chase you. Be friendly but don't be too eager. Guys like to work for a girl's attention. Enjoy making him work for yours.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Is he planning to break-up with her?
Lisa, 18, from Washington, asks:
I have been friends with him since 7th grade, and yes he was the guy all the girls were dying to be with. I had always thought he was very attractive but during all these years until my Senior year there was nothing but a friendly relationship between us. His last serious girlfriend occured in 9th grade, so ever since then he had stayed out of serious relationships and lived the life of one night stands. Until 3-4 months ago we hung out with each other a lot and eventually started to really like each other. I don't know what it was that he saw in me, maybe it was because I wouldn't have sex with him like all the other girls did, but whatever it was I had him sprung. There were a couple problems though:
1. Although I was the only girl he talked to, he didn't feel like he was ready for a real relationship.
2. He didn't show affection in public and at school but did privately which was something I never dealt with in a guy.
I understood that he wasn't looking for a relationship just yet and told him that I was willing to wait till he was ready. But the fact that he couldn't show much affection in public, really bothered me so I explained it to him and he told me he would work on that. Finally at the end of the third month of us falling for each other, he had finally decided to ask me out. I was hesitant at first because he hadn't changed his ways of hiding his affection in public and in front of his friends but he asked for another chance saying things like: "I really want to be with you so bad, and I've never felt this way about a girl before, so could you please give me another chance to prove everything perfect?" and things like: "it's really hard to find someone you really like and were perfect for each other" So after I put thought into it, I told him he really had to try and I accepted.
After everything he had said, two days later he came up to me and told me he put thought into this and thought we should stay friends because he was scared that he wasn't going to be able to change and that I would want to leave him again. After a brief conversation he agreed to give the relationship a try and I agreed to deal and understand the fact that its going to take time for him to change his ways. (I had to remember this is a guy who can never embarrass himself, and hasn't had a real girlfriend since junior high)
It's been a week since we started being officially together, but ever since he mentioned us being friends the first time, I have felt very different and almost awkward around him. I didn't feel as appreciated by him anymore and I was beginning to think he wasn't interested in me. When I asked him about it two days later, if I was still what he really wanted, if he wanted this relationship and if he really liked me, he said yes to everything and that I should stop stressing about it and relax. But ever since we've been together, he's been calling me less and still acts as if we are just friends at school and around other friends.
I really like him and I do believe that we have something good going for us. Being together after all these years of knowing him had to be more than just any other "fling" but it's only been a week and I already don't feel like he really likes me. Should I believe him when he says he does and wants to be with me? Or is he playing games with me and planning to break up with me a week from now? I'm very confused and don't know what to do or what to believe..please help!
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like it's your insecurities talking more than anything else. Sure, he seems to be reluctant about being in a relationship to begin with, and of course it's always possible that he'll break-up with you, or you with him, at any time, but I doubt very much that he's planning to break-up with you.
It's important that you understand that in most cases, guys put a lot more energy into getting a girl than they do into keeping her. Now that you are in a relationship, almost as a result of him being a guy, his attention will drop. You may not like it, but it's common.
The lack of displays of affection are not a reflection of his feelings towards you and it's not something he can change easily. Usually there are major issues stemming from his upbringing and he can not just will himself to do it. Many times trauma from childhood upbringing is involved and it may required professional therapy to resolve. I'm not saying you should give up but you should try to be more understanding that this is a deeper issue and exercise the appropriate patience and support. Don't make it a "him against my wishes" issue because it's not; it's a "him against his upbringing" issue.
I have been friends with him since 7th grade, and yes he was the guy all the girls were dying to be with. I had always thought he was very attractive but during all these years until my Senior year there was nothing but a friendly relationship between us. His last serious girlfriend occured in 9th grade, so ever since then he had stayed out of serious relationships and lived the life of one night stands. Until 3-4 months ago we hung out with each other a lot and eventually started to really like each other. I don't know what it was that he saw in me, maybe it was because I wouldn't have sex with him like all the other girls did, but whatever it was I had him sprung. There were a couple problems though:
1. Although I was the only girl he talked to, he didn't feel like he was ready for a real relationship.
2. He didn't show affection in public and at school but did privately which was something I never dealt with in a guy.
I understood that he wasn't looking for a relationship just yet and told him that I was willing to wait till he was ready. But the fact that he couldn't show much affection in public, really bothered me so I explained it to him and he told me he would work on that. Finally at the end of the third month of us falling for each other, he had finally decided to ask me out. I was hesitant at first because he hadn't changed his ways of hiding his affection in public and in front of his friends but he asked for another chance saying things like: "I really want to be with you so bad, and I've never felt this way about a girl before, so could you please give me another chance to prove everything perfect?" and things like: "it's really hard to find someone you really like and were perfect for each other" So after I put thought into it, I told him he really had to try and I accepted.
After everything he had said, two days later he came up to me and told me he put thought into this and thought we should stay friends because he was scared that he wasn't going to be able to change and that I would want to leave him again. After a brief conversation he agreed to give the relationship a try and I agreed to deal and understand the fact that its going to take time for him to change his ways. (I had to remember this is a guy who can never embarrass himself, and hasn't had a real girlfriend since junior high)
It's been a week since we started being officially together, but ever since he mentioned us being friends the first time, I have felt very different and almost awkward around him. I didn't feel as appreciated by him anymore and I was beginning to think he wasn't interested in me. When I asked him about it two days later, if I was still what he really wanted, if he wanted this relationship and if he really liked me, he said yes to everything and that I should stop stressing about it and relax. But ever since we've been together, he's been calling me less and still acts as if we are just friends at school and around other friends.
I really like him and I do believe that we have something good going for us. Being together after all these years of knowing him had to be more than just any other "fling" but it's only been a week and I already don't feel like he really likes me. Should I believe him when he says he does and wants to be with me? Or is he playing games with me and planning to break up with me a week from now? I'm very confused and don't know what to do or what to believe..please help!
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like it's your insecurities talking more than anything else. Sure, he seems to be reluctant about being in a relationship to begin with, and of course it's always possible that he'll break-up with you, or you with him, at any time, but I doubt very much that he's planning to break-up with you.
It's important that you understand that in most cases, guys put a lot more energy into getting a girl than they do into keeping her. Now that you are in a relationship, almost as a result of him being a guy, his attention will drop. You may not like it, but it's common.
The lack of displays of affection are not a reflection of his feelings towards you and it's not something he can change easily. Usually there are major issues stemming from his upbringing and he can not just will himself to do it. Many times trauma from childhood upbringing is involved and it may required professional therapy to resolve. I'm not saying you should give up but you should try to be more understanding that this is a deeper issue and exercise the appropriate patience and support. Don't make it a "him against my wishes" issue because it's not; it's a "him against his upbringing" issue.
Worried mom
Renee, 43, from Arkansas, asks:
Hi. I'll be as brief as possible. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 6 years this December and we have a 6 year old son. He and I actually have been great friends the last 5 years, and our son has thrived from this. I have spent every holiday with him (and his parents) and with our son. When I say great friends, I mean we have talked to each other about everything. Neither one of us has had a "serious relationship" during this time... until now. I found out last week from another close girlfriend that he has met "the one". He met her at our sons school where she has a seven year old daughter. I asked him about it, and he said yes and that he is in love. He said he had not found the right time to tell me. But that she is a great person and he would like for me to meet her. I want him to find happiness as do I want it for myself. My biggest question is: We have joint custody and during the times he has our son he is spending every moment making it a "family " atmosphere with the four of them. My son came home this week and said Daddy kissed Hannahs mom and it is yucky. I am worried about the PDA in front of the kids and I told him. He is looking through rose colored glasses at the moment and doesn't seem the possible harm this could cause if their relationshop doesn't work out. It has been two months. Am I wrong to ask him to please keep our son out of his new relationship. I have asked his to please bring our son to my house if he wants to spend time with her. All he has to do is pick up the phone and I'll be available to take care of him. He said, It's good for our son to have a new friend to play with (Hannah) and they enjoy each others company alot, and he wants that to continue...
Worried Mom
VictorM's advice:
You're worried that your son is seeing two adults in love with each other showing their mutual affection? Don't be!
I think you should be happy that your son is most likely to grow up knowing that it's OK to show your lover affection in public. Chances are that this exposure will make him a better man and a better lover. If there is one problem with it, is that children aren't exposed to enough of that.
Your son's "yucky" comment is natural for his age, but what's getting imprinted in his memory is a very positive image. He doesn't understand that now, and he doesn't need to, but it's a good thing for him.
Hi. I'll be as brief as possible. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 6 years this December and we have a 6 year old son. He and I actually have been great friends the last 5 years, and our son has thrived from this. I have spent every holiday with him (and his parents) and with our son. When I say great friends, I mean we have talked to each other about everything. Neither one of us has had a "serious relationship" during this time... until now. I found out last week from another close girlfriend that he has met "the one". He met her at our sons school where she has a seven year old daughter. I asked him about it, and he said yes and that he is in love. He said he had not found the right time to tell me. But that she is a great person and he would like for me to meet her. I want him to find happiness as do I want it for myself. My biggest question is: We have joint custody and during the times he has our son he is spending every moment making it a "family " atmosphere with the four of them. My son came home this week and said Daddy kissed Hannahs mom and it is yucky. I am worried about the PDA in front of the kids and I told him. He is looking through rose colored glasses at the moment and doesn't seem the possible harm this could cause if their relationshop doesn't work out. It has been two months. Am I wrong to ask him to please keep our son out of his new relationship. I have asked his to please bring our son to my house if he wants to spend time with her. All he has to do is pick up the phone and I'll be available to take care of him. He said, It's good for our son to have a new friend to play with (Hannah) and they enjoy each others company alot, and he wants that to continue...
Worried Mom
VictorM's advice:
You're worried that your son is seeing two adults in love with each other showing their mutual affection? Don't be!
I think you should be happy that your son is most likely to grow up knowing that it's OK to show your lover affection in public. Chances are that this exposure will make him a better man and a better lover. If there is one problem with it, is that children aren't exposed to enough of that.
Your son's "yucky" comment is natural for his age, but what's getting imprinted in his memory is a very positive image. He doesn't understand that now, and he doesn't need to, but it's a good thing for him.
Does she deserve an explantion?
Sarah, 30, from Davenport, IA, asks:
I am seeing a 37 year old guy that is going through a divorce. He said everything was fine, and he just needed some time. I said OK, and to let me know when he was ready. I am now being completely ignored by him, except for the most brief text messages. Am I wrong to feel I deserve more of an explanation of what is going on? What do I do next?
VictorM's advice:
To quote Clint Eastwood in "Unforgiven", "deserve has nothing to do with it." He said he needed time. He's not ready for you and he may never be. It would be nice if he called you within some time period and told you he's no longer interested, but: one, there is no schedule for these things; and two, chances are that he won't want to rule you out, so he doesn't know what to tell you.
But there are some things we can assume. Namely, that he's over you and hoping that you get over him too. "Needing time" is code for "you're more a burden in my life than you're worth."
Dwelling on what you think you deserve is a waste of time. Sit around waiting for him at your own risk.
I am seeing a 37 year old guy that is going through a divorce. He said everything was fine, and he just needed some time. I said OK, and to let me know when he was ready. I am now being completely ignored by him, except for the most brief text messages. Am I wrong to feel I deserve more of an explanation of what is going on? What do I do next?
VictorM's advice:
To quote Clint Eastwood in "Unforgiven", "deserve has nothing to do with it." He said he needed time. He's not ready for you and he may never be. It would be nice if he called you within some time period and told you he's no longer interested, but: one, there is no schedule for these things; and two, chances are that he won't want to rule you out, so he doesn't know what to tell you.
But there are some things we can assume. Namely, that he's over you and hoping that you get over him too. "Needing time" is code for "you're more a burden in my life than you're worth."
Dwelling on what you think you deserve is a waste of time. Sit around waiting for him at your own risk.
It's over
Divya, 22, from India, asks:
First of all thanks for this column.
My boyfriend (or maybe ex, I don't know) and I were together for maybe 3 years. There was not a single day in our relationship when I wasn't happy being with him. In fact, he was pretty happy with me too.
But yes, he used to flirt around with a few girls, and I never interfered with that part.
Just before he was leaving to Italy, for 6 months, he happened to spend more time with his childhood crush and internet friend (the girl he used to flirt around). When I demanded an explanation, he started using filthy language and said the famous line that the problem was ME.
Now that he is in Italy, he says that he doesn't want to continue this relationship any more, because he's not able to forget the fight we had and what I've done to him (?). All of a sudden his priority became his family (with whom he never had good relationship to start with) and his friends ( esp. the girls he used to flirt around with).
Whenever I am trying to talk to him regarding this, he ends up passing very cheap comments about me and my family. I've tried all means, but he isn't at all willing to open up and at one point he said that he is dumping me for good.
I am willing to take in everything, but for this one word " It's over" as an answer to my question.
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes, for reasons we don't really understand, we wake up one morning and really don't feel like seeing our partner. It's probably something that builds over time, but we're too busy discounting it for one reason or another (a mood, just busy, that time of the month, this will pass, etc.) but one day, like the drop that makes the bucket run over, we can't take it anymore.
For that day to arrive, our partner need not be a bad person. They need not have done anything to hurt us or have displayed behavior we deplore. So how do we explain that the passion is gone? What do we say? Sometimes, "it's over" is all that we can say. We know we need to move on, but we can't explain why.
"It's over" is his way of telling you that for no fault of your own and for reasons he doesn't know, he's fallen out of love with you. "It's over" is a way out without wanting to blame you for anything. If you insists on an explanation, you're more likely to invite him making things up, like blaming your family, than if you just accepted the decision that he's no longer into you and that there is no explanation. It's just life. It happens to the best of people.
First of all thanks for this column.
My boyfriend (or maybe ex, I don't know) and I were together for maybe 3 years. There was not a single day in our relationship when I wasn't happy being with him. In fact, he was pretty happy with me too.
But yes, he used to flirt around with a few girls, and I never interfered with that part.
Just before he was leaving to Italy, for 6 months, he happened to spend more time with his childhood crush and internet friend (the girl he used to flirt around). When I demanded an explanation, he started using filthy language and said the famous line that the problem was ME.
Now that he is in Italy, he says that he doesn't want to continue this relationship any more, because he's not able to forget the fight we had and what I've done to him (?). All of a sudden his priority became his family (with whom he never had good relationship to start with) and his friends ( esp. the girls he used to flirt around with).
Whenever I am trying to talk to him regarding this, he ends up passing very cheap comments about me and my family. I've tried all means, but he isn't at all willing to open up and at one point he said that he is dumping me for good.
I am willing to take in everything, but for this one word " It's over" as an answer to my question.
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes, for reasons we don't really understand, we wake up one morning and really don't feel like seeing our partner. It's probably something that builds over time, but we're too busy discounting it for one reason or another (a mood, just busy, that time of the month, this will pass, etc.) but one day, like the drop that makes the bucket run over, we can't take it anymore.
For that day to arrive, our partner need not be a bad person. They need not have done anything to hurt us or have displayed behavior we deplore. So how do we explain that the passion is gone? What do we say? Sometimes, "it's over" is all that we can say. We know we need to move on, but we can't explain why.
"It's over" is his way of telling you that for no fault of your own and for reasons he doesn't know, he's fallen out of love with you. "It's over" is a way out without wanting to blame you for anything. If you insists on an explanation, you're more likely to invite him making things up, like blaming your family, than if you just accepted the decision that he's no longer into you and that there is no explanation. It's just life. It happens to the best of people.
He even wanted her to meet his mom
Victoria, 19, from Atlanta, asks:
I met this awesome guy and we really hit it off. Well he always told me about how he wanted to do all of these different things with me and even meet his mom (weird!). We talked/hung out everyday for two weeks. Then he stopped for three days. OK, well maybe he was just busy, that's fine. Apparently he wasnt that busy because his ex wrote on his facebook and was like "omg I had so much fun on our sushi date sorry I couldn't hang out with you after." WTF yeaa he told me earlier he didn't have any feelings for her anymore and now this.
I see him at the gym the next day. I ignore him. He calls me that night and it was awkward he basically told me he didn't want a relationship. A couple of days later I saw his friends out so he calls me and he shows up and tries to talk to me. I told him I'm not going to make my friends wait for him because he finally decided he wanted to talk to me so I leave with my friends.
The next day he calls late at night and we end up having a three hour long convo and he said he was acting weird because he felt pressure from me because I was treating him like he was my boyfriend. I can understand because I just got out of a 3 year relationship. And I told him it wasn't completely my fault. We agreed to start over.
We planned to hang out after we went out with some friends a couple of nights later. I saw him for about ten minutes and spent most of the night with my friends, I figured I was gonna be with him later. I called him when the bar is closing and he tells me he's talking to his ex. uhh well apparently she asked him for a ride home and then refused to get in the car with me so they were fighting about it. Weird because I've never even met this girl. I'm pissed so I tell him that if he wants to be with her or has any feelings for her at all to just go for it. He says he doesn't at all and doesn't know why she is acting this way. He drops her off then comes back and picks up me and his friends. Then he drops me off and says he is having a bad night. He stopped talking to me AGAIN.
I see him out with his friends last night and I say hi and ignore him the whole night. While I am doing this his friends are flirting with me like crazy and I'm having a good time and one of them asks me out to dinner which I said I would love to. When I left he sent me a text and was like "nice to see you too". I didn't reply because he called me a couple of minutes later. I was aggrivated so I made up an excuse that it was too loud in the car so I would call him later. I actually found out later that he FREAKED OUT on his friend for asking me out? ok WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? I mean he had a chance with me and he obviously was sending out "I'm not interested" vibes and now he's getting jealous? I know the obvious answer would be to get rid of this guy but the couple of weeks I spent with him before his first freak out I found out that I have this really strong chemistry with him that I can't seem to resist. well HELP. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't get rid of the guy. You seem to like each other and by your own admission, the chemistry is there.
I'm sure he's sincere when he says he's over his ex, but just because he says it and believes it, doesn't mean it's true. It takes a while to get over someone and often we push ourselves to do it by saying it and repeating it. We so want it to be true that we convince ourselves of it. But you need to accept that she was an important person in his life and that if he was over her like nothing you should be questioning the kind of person he is. I know lots of people freak out when they learn than an ex plays a big role in their partners life, but most often that is a good sign; it shows the person loves deeply. In time, those sentiments can be transferred to you, but it will take time. Until that transfer happens, yes, it can get a little messy when the ex enters the picture or even if he's just confused about it, causing him to go days without talking to you.
If you're willing to deal with the situation, you must give him time to get over her -- it's not going to be an automatic process -- and you must be willing to show him that you like him without crowding him. It's not easy, but if he's the guy you like, and in every other way you think he's worth it, exercise patience and determination -- it will be worth it.
I met this awesome guy and we really hit it off. Well he always told me about how he wanted to do all of these different things with me and even meet his mom (weird!). We talked/hung out everyday for two weeks. Then he stopped for three days. OK, well maybe he was just busy, that's fine. Apparently he wasnt that busy because his ex wrote on his facebook and was like "omg I had so much fun on our sushi date sorry I couldn't hang out with you after." WTF yeaa he told me earlier he didn't have any feelings for her anymore and now this.
I see him at the gym the next day. I ignore him. He calls me that night and it was awkward he basically told me he didn't want a relationship. A couple of days later I saw his friends out so he calls me and he shows up and tries to talk to me. I told him I'm not going to make my friends wait for him because he finally decided he wanted to talk to me so I leave with my friends.
The next day he calls late at night and we end up having a three hour long convo and he said he was acting weird because he felt pressure from me because I was treating him like he was my boyfriend. I can understand because I just got out of a 3 year relationship. And I told him it wasn't completely my fault. We agreed to start over.
We planned to hang out after we went out with some friends a couple of nights later. I saw him for about ten minutes and spent most of the night with my friends, I figured I was gonna be with him later. I called him when the bar is closing and he tells me he's talking to his ex. uhh well apparently she asked him for a ride home and then refused to get in the car with me so they were fighting about it. Weird because I've never even met this girl. I'm pissed so I tell him that if he wants to be with her or has any feelings for her at all to just go for it. He says he doesn't at all and doesn't know why she is acting this way. He drops her off then comes back and picks up me and his friends. Then he drops me off and says he is having a bad night. He stopped talking to me AGAIN.
I see him out with his friends last night and I say hi and ignore him the whole night. While I am doing this his friends are flirting with me like crazy and I'm having a good time and one of them asks me out to dinner which I said I would love to. When I left he sent me a text and was like "nice to see you too". I didn't reply because he called me a couple of minutes later. I was aggrivated so I made up an excuse that it was too loud in the car so I would call him later. I actually found out later that he FREAKED OUT on his friend for asking me out? ok WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? I mean he had a chance with me and he obviously was sending out "I'm not interested" vibes and now he's getting jealous? I know the obvious answer would be to get rid of this guy but the couple of weeks I spent with him before his first freak out I found out that I have this really strong chemistry with him that I can't seem to resist. well HELP. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't get rid of the guy. You seem to like each other and by your own admission, the chemistry is there.
I'm sure he's sincere when he says he's over his ex, but just because he says it and believes it, doesn't mean it's true. It takes a while to get over someone and often we push ourselves to do it by saying it and repeating it. We so want it to be true that we convince ourselves of it. But you need to accept that she was an important person in his life and that if he was over her like nothing you should be questioning the kind of person he is. I know lots of people freak out when they learn than an ex plays a big role in their partners life, but most often that is a good sign; it shows the person loves deeply. In time, those sentiments can be transferred to you, but it will take time. Until that transfer happens, yes, it can get a little messy when the ex enters the picture or even if he's just confused about it, causing him to go days without talking to you.
If you're willing to deal with the situation, you must give him time to get over her -- it's not going to be an automatic process -- and you must be willing to show him that you like him without crowding him. It's not easy, but if he's the guy you like, and in every other way you think he's worth it, exercise patience and determination -- it will be worth it.
Why is he not trying to be with her?
Very Confused, 16, asks:
I went to a party (which is a very rare thing for me) and met a couple of people from my new school (since I moved recently) and I was shocked at the results. I've lived here for about a year, and all the familiar faces were at this party. I literally had 3 guys who are all friends with each other, surround me in a circle, and try to steal my heart. I seemed to be interested in one of them and later found out he's not the one I want. One of the other guys, let's call him GuyB was all over me, flirting etc. I really wasn’t interested at the time. I was having a conversation with one of his friends (a girl) and I was storing her number when GuyB comes along and tells me to store his too. I didn’t want to, so when he left I closed my phone instead of storing it. I didn’t even know his name. He later sent me a text message, and we started talking. We decided to go to a school football game together, and we kissed at the end of the night.
Now I seem to really enjoy his company. The thing is, he's been acting strange. He has a class near my locker. He used to always stop and talk to me, now he doesn’t. He used to text me all the time too, now he doesn't. But at the same time, if I’m sitting at lunch (no, we don’t sit together) he will always walk by and pinch/tap me and smile, or maybe have a 3 minute convo.
I don’t get it. It seems like he is avoiding me, and then it seems like he isn’t. He has the opportunity to ask me out, but I’m not always available to him either. I seem to be doing everything like I am supposed to, and I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone around. That’s exactly what he told my best friend. That he wants someone around too. So why is he not trying to be with me?
VictorM's advice:
Of all the people, you should be the one to understand him well. You don't want a boyfriend, you just want someone around. Thats seems to be his thinking too. He doesn't want a girlfriend, just a girl he can pop-in from time to time when the mood strikes, without being attached to her.
In your age group that is most common. Boys see so many attractive girls that pinning themselves to just one is difficult. I bet you're not the only one to whom he offered his phone number. He has to fit you in along with these other girls.
Besides, you don't exactly send the vibes that you want him to ask you out. You say you're not always available to him and you're not interested in a boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if he's picked up on this attitude of yours.
I went to a party (which is a very rare thing for me) and met a couple of people from my new school (since I moved recently) and I was shocked at the results. I've lived here for about a year, and all the familiar faces were at this party. I literally had 3 guys who are all friends with each other, surround me in a circle, and try to steal my heart. I seemed to be interested in one of them and later found out he's not the one I want. One of the other guys, let's call him GuyB was all over me, flirting etc. I really wasn’t interested at the time. I was having a conversation with one of his friends (a girl) and I was storing her number when GuyB comes along and tells me to store his too. I didn’t want to, so when he left I closed my phone instead of storing it. I didn’t even know his name. He later sent me a text message, and we started talking. We decided to go to a school football game together, and we kissed at the end of the night.
Now I seem to really enjoy his company. The thing is, he's been acting strange. He has a class near my locker. He used to always stop and talk to me, now he doesn’t. He used to text me all the time too, now he doesn't. But at the same time, if I’m sitting at lunch (no, we don’t sit together) he will always walk by and pinch/tap me and smile, or maybe have a 3 minute convo.
I don’t get it. It seems like he is avoiding me, and then it seems like he isn’t. He has the opportunity to ask me out, but I’m not always available to him either. I seem to be doing everything like I am supposed to, and I don’t even want a boyfriend. I just want someone around. That’s exactly what he told my best friend. That he wants someone around too. So why is he not trying to be with me?
VictorM's advice:
Of all the people, you should be the one to understand him well. You don't want a boyfriend, you just want someone around. Thats seems to be his thinking too. He doesn't want a girlfriend, just a girl he can pop-in from time to time when the mood strikes, without being attached to her.
In your age group that is most common. Boys see so many attractive girls that pinning themselves to just one is difficult. I bet you're not the only one to whom he offered his phone number. He has to fit you in along with these other girls.
Besides, you don't exactly send the vibes that you want him to ask you out. You say you're not always available to him and you're not interested in a boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if he's picked up on this attitude of yours.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
She's 20 and dating a 37 year old man
Rebekkah, 20, from Texas, asks:
Howdy dearie!
I've been dating a man for two years (living with him for 1 1/2 years), who is 37 years old. My parents like him, and he spends a lot of time with me and my family. He's been divorced twice (pays child support on his son), the last one was really hard on him because his ex was shot so he has control issues about my safety all the time.
He's very sweet, but he's not at all affectionate in public. He actually flat out refuses to even hold my hand unless he's in a very hyper mood, and even then its only a 15 seconds at the most. He says he wants to be with me forever, and I do believe him, but I want to be married (not saying now, but like in the next 5 or so years would be cool) however I only talk about marriage when HE brings it up. He's gone back and forth from wanting to marry me, to not, and I just wish he'd make up his mind. I do care about him and have helped him a lot (emotionally) and he thanks me for that at least once a month. He used to be very verbally abusive, but stopped that 4 months ago because I left him for a while because I wouldn't put up with it anymore. He got psyc help and he's doing a lot better and treating me the way he's supposed to.
Now that we're even in how we treat each other, I'd love to start doing things we both enjoy together. I'd go ANYWHERE he wanted to go, hell, I'd even go to a strip club if he wanted to, or to a Monster Truck Rally or go play pool (I've even taken him to see WWE wrestling), but he almost never wants to go anywhere with me. We'll go out to dinner and a movie, but that's about it. He's made a comment about our age difference, but everyone I know (or even people at work) think that I'm 25 until I tell them otherwise (I guess I'm just mature for my age).
He never wants to go to places with me like concerts, bars, clubs, parties (not just drinking parties, but even a birthday party for one of my friends kids he wouldn't go to) etc. There's a gothic concert/club event coming up that I really want to go to, and he doesn't want me going because it's in Downtown Dallas and he doesn't think I'll be safe, but also because he's not "into" that sort of thing he wont go with me to protect me.
I found out that a lot of people I know from work are gonna be going too, so its not like I'd be alone. (Even so, I'd take my own car so if I felt uncomfortable i could leave anytime). I know it will cause a fight if I go, and I don't want that, but I also want to have fun and don't want to have a reason to have resentment against this otherwise very loving person for not letting me do what I want without getting pouty and upset about it. So how can I go without making him mad (I don't think that's possible, but why not ask, right? haha) Also, I want to know if in your opinion this guy just has commitment issues, or if he's just scared I'll be like all his other wives.
P.S. His longest relationship EVER was 3 years... even the women he was married to, and they asked HIM to marry them, not the other way around.
VictorM's advice:
I wish I could give you a common sense pill, to you and your family. Heck, make that a bottle full of them. You all seem to have left the line when they were handing out common sense.
Whether or not you go to the concert, and whether or not he gets mad, are insignificant issues compared to everything else you face. And from the tone of your question I doubt I could say anything that would make a difference. This is such a bad situation on so many levels; the age difference is only part of it.
The good news is that if you don't want to marry for another 5 years then you don't have to worry about a divorce either -- you two won't last that long. You'll be past the expiration date by then.
Howdy dearie!
I've been dating a man for two years (living with him for 1 1/2 years), who is 37 years old. My parents like him, and he spends a lot of time with me and my family. He's been divorced twice (pays child support on his son), the last one was really hard on him because his ex was shot so he has control issues about my safety all the time.
He's very sweet, but he's not at all affectionate in public. He actually flat out refuses to even hold my hand unless he's in a very hyper mood, and even then its only a 15 seconds at the most. He says he wants to be with me forever, and I do believe him, but I want to be married (not saying now, but like in the next 5 or so years would be cool) however I only talk about marriage when HE brings it up. He's gone back and forth from wanting to marry me, to not, and I just wish he'd make up his mind. I do care about him and have helped him a lot (emotionally) and he thanks me for that at least once a month. He used to be very verbally abusive, but stopped that 4 months ago because I left him for a while because I wouldn't put up with it anymore. He got psyc help and he's doing a lot better and treating me the way he's supposed to.
Now that we're even in how we treat each other, I'd love to start doing things we both enjoy together. I'd go ANYWHERE he wanted to go, hell, I'd even go to a strip club if he wanted to, or to a Monster Truck Rally or go play pool (I've even taken him to see WWE wrestling), but he almost never wants to go anywhere with me. We'll go out to dinner and a movie, but that's about it. He's made a comment about our age difference, but everyone I know (or even people at work) think that I'm 25 until I tell them otherwise (I guess I'm just mature for my age).
He never wants to go to places with me like concerts, bars, clubs, parties (not just drinking parties, but even a birthday party for one of my friends kids he wouldn't go to) etc. There's a gothic concert/club event coming up that I really want to go to, and he doesn't want me going because it's in Downtown Dallas and he doesn't think I'll be safe, but also because he's not "into" that sort of thing he wont go with me to protect me.
I found out that a lot of people I know from work are gonna be going too, so its not like I'd be alone. (Even so, I'd take my own car so if I felt uncomfortable i could leave anytime). I know it will cause a fight if I go, and I don't want that, but I also want to have fun and don't want to have a reason to have resentment against this otherwise very loving person for not letting me do what I want without getting pouty and upset about it. So how can I go without making him mad (I don't think that's possible, but why not ask, right? haha) Also, I want to know if in your opinion this guy just has commitment issues, or if he's just scared I'll be like all his other wives.
P.S. His longest relationship EVER was 3 years... even the women he was married to, and they asked HIM to marry them, not the other way around.
VictorM's advice:
I wish I could give you a common sense pill, to you and your family. Heck, make that a bottle full of them. You all seem to have left the line when they were handing out common sense.
Whether or not you go to the concert, and whether or not he gets mad, are insignificant issues compared to everything else you face. And from the tone of your question I doubt I could say anything that would make a difference. This is such a bad situation on so many levels; the age difference is only part of it.
The good news is that if you don't want to marry for another 5 years then you don't have to worry about a divorce either -- you two won't last that long. You'll be past the expiration date by then.
They broke up and now he won't talk to her
janel, 23, from oklahoma, asks:
I recently had a break up with my boyfriend and now he won't speak to me for any reason. Is he upset with me still or his lack of a response mean he's done with me?
VictorM's answer:
You broke-up with him. Why should he talk to you? You have nothing to offer him but the possibility of more heartache. If he's smart he's done with you.
Contact with exes generally is not a good idea and in this case he seems to know what's best for him.
I recently had a break up with my boyfriend and now he won't speak to me for any reason. Is he upset with me still or his lack of a response mean he's done with me?
VictorM's answer:
You broke-up with him. Why should he talk to you? You have nothing to offer him but the possibility of more heartache. If he's smart he's done with you.
Contact with exes generally is not a good idea and in this case he seems to know what's best for him.
Maxi likes her manager
maxi, 20, from ct, asks:
I like this guy and kept it secret for a while because we work together and he is my manager... we joke together and we are very sarcastic with each other but I never know if there is some truth in his jokes and sarcasm. I know there is in mine!!! How can I tell? Whats the problem??? Well, he has a fiance. I don't know how he feels because with him I never know what's real and what's a joke!!!! So what do you think I should do? He isn't married yet and maybe...
VictorM's advice:
Guys will joke and flirt for the sake of passing the time. You stroke his ego with your attention. That's all you are good for. It's hard to find truth when guys are serious, much less when they are joking and being sarcastic.
Don't be silly, Maxi. You're just a few notches better than playing solitaire on the computer to pass the time, and nothing more.
I like this guy and kept it secret for a while because we work together and he is my manager... we joke together and we are very sarcastic with each other but I never know if there is some truth in his jokes and sarcasm. I know there is in mine!!! How can I tell? Whats the problem??? Well, he has a fiance. I don't know how he feels because with him I never know what's real and what's a joke!!!! So what do you think I should do? He isn't married yet and maybe...
VictorM's advice:
Guys will joke and flirt for the sake of passing the time. You stroke his ego with your attention. That's all you are good for. It's hard to find truth when guys are serious, much less when they are joking and being sarcastic.
Don't be silly, Maxi. You're just a few notches better than playing solitaire on the computer to pass the time, and nothing more.
He has asked her what they are doing
melissa, 21, from sydney, australia, asks:
I have been seeing a guy for about a month now and it has been going really well. He recently got offered a job interstate and is having doubts about whether to take it or not. He hasn't asked me what I want in regards to moving but has asked me in regards to what we are doing. I do want him to stay so we can at least see where it is going but what do I say without sounding like I like him too much or should I not say anything at all?
VictorM's advice:
He's trying to make an important decision. The best you can do is tell him how you feel. Saying that you "want him to stay so we can at least see where it is going" sounds like a good answer. You're not making any promises but you do let him know you're not playing games either.
I have been seeing a guy for about a month now and it has been going really well. He recently got offered a job interstate and is having doubts about whether to take it or not. He hasn't asked me what I want in regards to moving but has asked me in regards to what we are doing. I do want him to stay so we can at least see where it is going but what do I say without sounding like I like him too much or should I not say anything at all?
VictorM's advice:
He's trying to make an important decision. The best you can do is tell him how you feel. Saying that you "want him to stay so we can at least see where it is going" sounds like a good answer. You're not making any promises but you do let him know you're not playing games either.
How to get the spark back?
Maria, 27, from Chicago, asks:
After being in a long distance relationship for a year I finally moved to Chicago to be closer to my honey. When we were long distance I always made the 8 hour round trip to see him, twice a month. At first he was sweet and got me gifts and always took me out. Then he said he wanted to see where this relationship would go and it was hard when I lived so far away. So, I found a job and moved...into my own place because we decided that would be best.
Now, I'm lucky if he orders a pizza, let alone take me out. Most nights I just make myself something to eat because he isn't hungry. I see him less now that I live 10 minutes away than when I was 300 miles away. And that talk about where this relationship will go in the future has turned into a big, no marriage no living together conversation. I feel like I have gotten mixed messages, the sex has basically stopped. He has admitted he is freaking out. I'm the longest relationship he has since his fiancee left him 20 years ago. (He is 20 years older than I am. At first he was excited and then he felt this "choking" feeling ("like I always do" he said).
Basically, I'm deciding to put effort into this relationship, look for things other than him that make me happy, but how can we get back that spark we had?
VictorM's advice:
Move back.
(Nah, just kidding).
Well, all he said was that he wanted to see where the relationship would go. Clearly there was no promises that it would flourish. You came to him and... well, it's too much for him. Now you both know.
After 20 years of mistrust and infrequent relationships, I can understand the "chocking" feeling he describes, much more so with someone so much younger. As a once in a while young companion you were someone to brag about and have fun with, but now this has gotten too serious.
You want the spark back, but Maria, I'm not so sure you ever had it. I mean, you were the one who made the 8-hour trip every other week. So he was nice to you, but still, you did the heavy lifting. And you changed jobs for him. Again, I think the sparks were clearly on your side, not so much on his. He was just sitting back enjoying the younger chick.
You say you want to put more effort in the relationship, but don't you see, that's exactly the problem! That effort is causing the chocking feeling and rather than releasing your fingers around his neck, you're saying you want a tighter grip. It's hard to see sparks when you're gasping for air.
Stop talking about the relationship; act like there isn't one. Stop talking about living together and god forbid, don't bring up the "M" word (marriage).
Will it help? I don't know. And how long do you wait to see some change? I don't know that either. But you can't force him to want you; all you can do is hope he'll want to come to you by himself.
After being in a long distance relationship for a year I finally moved to Chicago to be closer to my honey. When we were long distance I always made the 8 hour round trip to see him, twice a month. At first he was sweet and got me gifts and always took me out. Then he said he wanted to see where this relationship would go and it was hard when I lived so far away. So, I found a job and moved...into my own place because we decided that would be best.
Now, I'm lucky if he orders a pizza, let alone take me out. Most nights I just make myself something to eat because he isn't hungry. I see him less now that I live 10 minutes away than when I was 300 miles away. And that talk about where this relationship will go in the future has turned into a big, no marriage no living together conversation. I feel like I have gotten mixed messages, the sex has basically stopped. He has admitted he is freaking out. I'm the longest relationship he has since his fiancee left him 20 years ago. (He is 20 years older than I am. At first he was excited and then he felt this "choking" feeling ("like I always do" he said).
Basically, I'm deciding to put effort into this relationship, look for things other than him that make me happy, but how can we get back that spark we had?
VictorM's advice:
Move back.
(Nah, just kidding).
Well, all he said was that he wanted to see where the relationship would go. Clearly there was no promises that it would flourish. You came to him and... well, it's too much for him. Now you both know.
After 20 years of mistrust and infrequent relationships, I can understand the "chocking" feeling he describes, much more so with someone so much younger. As a once in a while young companion you were someone to brag about and have fun with, but now this has gotten too serious.
You want the spark back, but Maria, I'm not so sure you ever had it. I mean, you were the one who made the 8-hour trip every other week. So he was nice to you, but still, you did the heavy lifting. And you changed jobs for him. Again, I think the sparks were clearly on your side, not so much on his. He was just sitting back enjoying the younger chick.
You say you want to put more effort in the relationship, but don't you see, that's exactly the problem! That effort is causing the chocking feeling and rather than releasing your fingers around his neck, you're saying you want a tighter grip. It's hard to see sparks when you're gasping for air.
Stop talking about the relationship; act like there isn't one. Stop talking about living together and god forbid, don't bring up the "M" word (marriage).
Will it help? I don't know. And how long do you wait to see some change? I don't know that either. But you can't force him to want you; all you can do is hope he'll want to come to you by himself.
Welcome
Julie, 33, from PA, says:
Victor,
Hi, I am Julie, whom you posted the response for on Oct 9th. Thank you soo much for your honest answers and insight. You do not know how much I appreciate and value your information. Thank you for helping me 'see the light' on my situation. You are right to count my blessings ...that it ended now before the relationship got much, much deeper. Thanks again for everything. You are the best!
Julie
VictorM's comment:
Thanks. I appreciate the feedback.
Victor,
Hi, I am Julie, whom you posted the response for on Oct 9th. Thank you soo much for your honest answers and insight. You do not know how much I appreciate and value your information. Thank you for helping me 'see the light' on my situation. You are right to count my blessings ...that it ended now before the relationship got much, much deeper. Thanks again for everything. You are the best!
Julie
VictorM's comment:
Thanks. I appreciate the feedback.
A pathetic story
Julie, 16, from UK, asks:
Look, I know I'm young and it's probably one of the most pathetic stories you've dealt with but I'll say anyway. Basically, 2/3months ago I met a guy, he was AMAZING. We talked/IM'd/texted/called each other/met up as friends for a few weeks before admitting how we both felt. I had fallen for him fast and hard. Weeks went on and we started seeing each other, before making it "official." The second day of this, out of the blue, he told me that being with me "didn't feel right." After the upset and distress of it faded I took my summer break to get over it and became happy again. Two months on and I run into him, and BAM. My feelings rush back all at once making me pretty much feel like crap. We're civil to one another now, we talk over the internet now and again, although he doesnt make much of an effort, it's just to be polite. It's obviously too late now but with that very slim "what if?" chance, I would give the world to have him back again. Or at least as a close friend. HELP ??!?!?
VictorM's advice:
Don't fool yourself into thinking you two could be friends; you'd be miserable if that was the case.
Look, he's gotten over you. It sucks, but that's life. The time after the breakup when you didn't see him you were OK, and you can be OK again if you let go of the "what if". There is no "what if"; he's gotten over you. He only talks to you to be polite.
Stop contacting him over the internet. End your agony and remove his screen name from your buddy list.
Look, I know I'm young and it's probably one of the most pathetic stories you've dealt with but I'll say anyway. Basically, 2/3months ago I met a guy, he was AMAZING. We talked/IM'd/texted/called each other/met up as friends for a few weeks before admitting how we both felt. I had fallen for him fast and hard. Weeks went on and we started seeing each other, before making it "official." The second day of this, out of the blue, he told me that being with me "didn't feel right." After the upset and distress of it faded I took my summer break to get over it and became happy again. Two months on and I run into him, and BAM. My feelings rush back all at once making me pretty much feel like crap. We're civil to one another now, we talk over the internet now and again, although he doesnt make much of an effort, it's just to be polite. It's obviously too late now but with that very slim "what if?" chance, I would give the world to have him back again. Or at least as a close friend. HELP ??!?!?
VictorM's advice:
Don't fool yourself into thinking you two could be friends; you'd be miserable if that was the case.
Look, he's gotten over you. It sucks, but that's life. The time after the breakup when you didn't see him you were OK, and you can be OK again if you let go of the "what if". There is no "what if"; he's gotten over you. He only talks to you to be polite.
Stop contacting him over the internet. End your agony and remove his screen name from your buddy list.
She has a psycho ex!
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I have a psycho ex! We broke up months ago and we're seeing each other a wee bit here and there,but I stopped it as it was pointless. I don't want him and it was just dragging on the break up. But he's flipped. I started seeing someone else and he threatened to beat him up so I said I wasn't anymore. Now he's constantly texting, phoning my work all day and mobile at night and turning up at my flat. I ignored it for a while but now he's turning up at 1 am and then 7 am and banging my door demanding to see me, while I'm sitting in my flat trying to ignore it. He's no longer the man I remember and it's scaring me a little. He's abusive one minute then nice the next and has threatened to burn my car. I'm at my wit's end. I'm in the middle of changing my number but I can't move as well. I've just moved in my flat and the last thing I need is him making a scene. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
With someone out of control as you say, you can't take this lightly. Don't be fooled by him being nice sometimes. No one is a bastard 24 hours a day. But you have seen his true colors, and that's what matters.
Unfortunately, you fueled his sick ego by saying you weren't seeing the one guy anymore. He felt vindicated and empowered with control over you. You can't let him know he's having any controlling impact in your life. If you're still seeing the new guy, don't hide it.
Other than that, you're wise to keep ignoring him. But you really should do more than that. You should inform the police. I don't know the laws there, but you should find out if you can take legal action to keep him away from your place (a restraining order, in the USA).
Any kind of reaction from you dealing directly with him, even if very negative, will continue to feed him. Bad attention from you is still better than no attention. You must not respond directly to him. If he makes a nuisance around your place, let one of the other tenants deal with it (preferably by calling the police).
I have a psycho ex! We broke up months ago and we're seeing each other a wee bit here and there,but I stopped it as it was pointless. I don't want him and it was just dragging on the break up. But he's flipped. I started seeing someone else and he threatened to beat him up so I said I wasn't anymore. Now he's constantly texting, phoning my work all day and mobile at night and turning up at my flat. I ignored it for a while but now he's turning up at 1 am and then 7 am and banging my door demanding to see me, while I'm sitting in my flat trying to ignore it. He's no longer the man I remember and it's scaring me a little. He's abusive one minute then nice the next and has threatened to burn my car. I'm at my wit's end. I'm in the middle of changing my number but I can't move as well. I've just moved in my flat and the last thing I need is him making a scene. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
With someone out of control as you say, you can't take this lightly. Don't be fooled by him being nice sometimes. No one is a bastard 24 hours a day. But you have seen his true colors, and that's what matters.
Unfortunately, you fueled his sick ego by saying you weren't seeing the one guy anymore. He felt vindicated and empowered with control over you. You can't let him know he's having any controlling impact in your life. If you're still seeing the new guy, don't hide it.
Other than that, you're wise to keep ignoring him. But you really should do more than that. You should inform the police. I don't know the laws there, but you should find out if you can take legal action to keep him away from your place (a restraining order, in the USA).
Any kind of reaction from you dealing directly with him, even if very negative, will continue to feed him. Bad attention from you is still better than no attention. You must not respond directly to him. If he makes a nuisance around your place, let one of the other tenants deal with it (preferably by calling the police).
Friday, October 12, 2007
What could possibly be going on in his mind?
Erin, 21, from PA, asks:
Hello again,
Like I said before me and my boyfriend are on a break its been about 11 days and we have talked once. He started it online and asked me how my weekend was and such. I told him how much fun I had and it was a great time all of that. That was about a week ago. Later I had lunch with his mom and she told me that my boyfriend doesn't do anything. He is in complete shut down. All he does is go to class come home watch a little football or baseball and then sit in his room and does homework and then goes to bed early. He hardly talks to his parents, let alone anyone for that matter. I have not talked to him at all. I have been out doing my thing, having some fun. He left me a message asking if we could meet at the park after he was done some stuff, a few hours later I came home after a long day of work and said I would feel great to talk but I feel sooo tired right now from working all day. And really I wanted him to know that I cared but I wasn't going to jump at the first chance to talk. So really my question is, what could possibly be going on in his mind? Does he miss me, do you think we will get back together? I don't know just looking for something. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Erin, he wanted to talk to you but you wanted to play the "make him wait" game. Yellow card for you! Asking me won't help you. You need to talk to him.
But, he doesn't sound so shut down. All he does is go to class come home watch a little football or baseball and then sit in his room and does homework and then goes to bed early. He hardly talks to his parents, let alone anyone for that matter. Gee, that sounds damn good to me, like what most normal boys do, specially around baseball playoff time.
So what's on his mind? Probably whether the Yankees should fire Joe Torre or not. What do you think? I'm not so sure if they should. I mean, Joe has taken the Yankees to the .... oops, sorry, got carried away.
Hello again,
Like I said before me and my boyfriend are on a break its been about 11 days and we have talked once. He started it online and asked me how my weekend was and such. I told him how much fun I had and it was a great time all of that. That was about a week ago. Later I had lunch with his mom and she told me that my boyfriend doesn't do anything. He is in complete shut down. All he does is go to class come home watch a little football or baseball and then sit in his room and does homework and then goes to bed early. He hardly talks to his parents, let alone anyone for that matter. I have not talked to him at all. I have been out doing my thing, having some fun. He left me a message asking if we could meet at the park after he was done some stuff, a few hours later I came home after a long day of work and said I would feel great to talk but I feel sooo tired right now from working all day. And really I wanted him to know that I cared but I wasn't going to jump at the first chance to talk. So really my question is, what could possibly be going on in his mind? Does he miss me, do you think we will get back together? I don't know just looking for something. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Erin, he wanted to talk to you but you wanted to play the "make him wait" game. Yellow card for you! Asking me won't help you. You need to talk to him.
But, he doesn't sound so shut down. All he does is go to class come home watch a little football or baseball and then sit in his room and does homework and then goes to bed early. He hardly talks to his parents, let alone anyone for that matter. Gee, that sounds damn good to me, like what most normal boys do, specially around baseball playoff time.
So what's on his mind? Probably whether the Yankees should fire Joe Torre or not. What do you think? I'm not so sure if they should. I mean, Joe has taken the Yankees to the .... oops, sorry, got carried away.
She's in love with her ex; he's bad for her
Jenna, 23, from Newmarket, Ontario, asks:
I have been dating this guy Terry Sit (b.d. March 7, 1984) for 7 months now and we are great together and he is a wonderful guy that my family and friends love, but... I am still in love with my ex (Matthew Tsao, b.d. May 15, 1984). He is bad for me. We went out 5 years ago and since then we were on and off he couldn't make a commitment. Sometimes told me he cared for me but thought we would need to work too hard to be togther and then flirted and went out with other girls in front of me and broke my heart. Last time we went out I had a pregnancy scare and then found out when I was being so confused he was trying to talk other girls up. I tried to talk to him about my problem, but he stood me up for a date, so I ended telling everything to our friends and then he called me and yelled at me for not telling HIM that I thought I was pregnant and not others and didn't listen when I said that I couldn't reach him because he didn't pick up the phone. Anyway, about three weeks later I met Terry and started dating him because he was amazing (one thing that bothered me was only the fact that he is only a couple of inches taller then I am). Since then me and Matt "made amends". Terry once observed him in the club and said Matt wasn't over me and he could tell that (little he knows I still love Matt, so that's a knife in my heart). Yesterday we went clubbing and Terry wasn't there because he is studying a lot, is involved with social work and we only see each other once a week (which doesn't help my wondering heart). Matt spent the whole night beside me and yet he was saying something about him looking for a girl. We were hugging and talking and he actually seemed to want to touch me. But his girl comments didn't help. After I drove him home and we had a beautiful conversation and we were close like we used to be. I told him I want to be friends and he said we should start calling each other. I know that I was looking for an excuse just to be beside him; in his arms. I know he probably doesn't love me and everyone always says he couldn't stay with me because of all the stress I brought into his life. He doesn't work or study now; I always pushed him to do things. He also thought I was too hard for him to handle and whole bunch of other things. I am not a bad person and I am not going to say to myself that maybe if I change this and then he'll come. The guy wasn't there when my granmother passed away and he knew she was my closest person! But last nite the signs were there that he still likes me and I hate that just as I hate the fact tha no matter how hard I try I can't forget him even though I know that for him I must be a joke. Terry is stable; knows how to handle me; has a good future lined up. And I do have feelings for him, just not that strong. I just don't know. Help
VictorM's advice:
This attraction for Matt can probably be traced to someone else in your childhood. When it comes to Matt you're just a little girl in search of approval from someone who didn't pay attention to you when you were younger. Probably your father or maybe an older brother.
It would be a shame to let Matt ruin your future, which is what is in store for you if you keep him around. Seek professional therapy to help you understand what wound you need to heal to keep Matt out of your life.
What you feel for Matt is not love. You think it is, but it's not. He's just bad medicine for a lingering issue.
I have been dating this guy Terry Sit (b.d. March 7, 1984) for 7 months now and we are great together and he is a wonderful guy that my family and friends love, but... I am still in love with my ex (Matthew Tsao, b.d. May 15, 1984). He is bad for me. We went out 5 years ago and since then we were on and off he couldn't make a commitment. Sometimes told me he cared for me but thought we would need to work too hard to be togther and then flirted and went out with other girls in front of me and broke my heart. Last time we went out I had a pregnancy scare and then found out when I was being so confused he was trying to talk other girls up. I tried to talk to him about my problem, but he stood me up for a date, so I ended telling everything to our friends and then he called me and yelled at me for not telling HIM that I thought I was pregnant and not others and didn't listen when I said that I couldn't reach him because he didn't pick up the phone. Anyway, about three weeks later I met Terry and started dating him because he was amazing (one thing that bothered me was only the fact that he is only a couple of inches taller then I am). Since then me and Matt "made amends". Terry once observed him in the club and said Matt wasn't over me and he could tell that (little he knows I still love Matt, so that's a knife in my heart). Yesterday we went clubbing and Terry wasn't there because he is studying a lot, is involved with social work and we only see each other once a week (which doesn't help my wondering heart). Matt spent the whole night beside me and yet he was saying something about him looking for a girl. We were hugging and talking and he actually seemed to want to touch me. But his girl comments didn't help. After I drove him home and we had a beautiful conversation and we were close like we used to be. I told him I want to be friends and he said we should start calling each other. I know that I was looking for an excuse just to be beside him; in his arms. I know he probably doesn't love me and everyone always says he couldn't stay with me because of all the stress I brought into his life. He doesn't work or study now; I always pushed him to do things. He also thought I was too hard for him to handle and whole bunch of other things. I am not a bad person and I am not going to say to myself that maybe if I change this and then he'll come. The guy wasn't there when my granmother passed away and he knew she was my closest person! But last nite the signs were there that he still likes me and I hate that just as I hate the fact tha no matter how hard I try I can't forget him even though I know that for him I must be a joke. Terry is stable; knows how to handle me; has a good future lined up. And I do have feelings for him, just not that strong. I just don't know. Help
VictorM's advice:
This attraction for Matt can probably be traced to someone else in your childhood. When it comes to Matt you're just a little girl in search of approval from someone who didn't pay attention to you when you were younger. Probably your father or maybe an older brother.
It would be a shame to let Matt ruin your future, which is what is in store for you if you keep him around. Seek professional therapy to help you understand what wound you need to heal to keep Matt out of your life.
What you feel for Matt is not love. You think it is, but it's not. He's just bad medicine for a lingering issue.
She doesn't understand why he ran away
Kandace, 35, from Ohio, asks:
Hi Victor,
Heres my story. I met a guy and things were fabulous. We were together for a couple of months and then had sex one weekend-everything was great and he totally opened up to me about his family and goals..but now that weekend is over, seems like we are 'too'. We talked a little bit after the weekend (which now I am head over heels for him) and it seems like he is the opposite now. I try to reach him, but now he won't talk to me...I don't understand why he ran away?
VictorM's advice:
Oh so common. For an explanation read this question and answer. It's identical to your situation.
Hi Victor,
Heres my story. I met a guy and things were fabulous. We were together for a couple of months and then had sex one weekend-everything was great and he totally opened up to me about his family and goals..but now that weekend is over, seems like we are 'too'. We talked a little bit after the weekend (which now I am head over heels for him) and it seems like he is the opposite now. I try to reach him, but now he won't talk to me...I don't understand why he ran away?
VictorM's advice:
Oh so common. For an explanation read this question and answer. It's identical to your situation.
He dumped her because his parents didn't like her ethnicity
sam, 18, from brissy, asks:
I dated a guy for 6 months. He dumped me because his parents didn't like my ethnicity. That was 7 months ago. We hook up every weekend. I can't help myself because i love him but I know he won't commit. We see each other every day. Is the only reason he's not with me because of his family? How can I get him to commit? I think he loves me too.
VictorM's advice:
I call bullshit on it. I can understand the pressure from the family making you guys go underground and see each other behind their backs, but what does that have to do with him not committing to you? If he still saw you because he's in love with you, he'd be committed just the same.
But can't say that I blame him. He's got his parents as the excuse for not committing but still gets the perks of your company. Smart boy.
I dated a guy for 6 months. He dumped me because his parents didn't like my ethnicity. That was 7 months ago. We hook up every weekend. I can't help myself because i love him but I know he won't commit. We see each other every day. Is the only reason he's not with me because of his family? How can I get him to commit? I think he loves me too.
VictorM's advice:
I call bullshit on it. I can understand the pressure from the family making you guys go underground and see each other behind their backs, but what does that have to do with him not committing to you? If he still saw you because he's in love with you, he'd be committed just the same.
But can't say that I blame him. He's got his parents as the excuse for not committing but still gets the perks of your company. Smart boy.
Is he genuinely confused?
You don't want to know!, 22, asks:
You and your boyfriend break up. It's a big one, you definitely feel like it's over, or at least SHOULD be over. What does it mean if the girl texts the guy and says she wants him to come over, no strings attached, and he says "it's a bad idea. I can't tonight." His reasoning why- he says because he doesn't want to regret it and us being lonely is not a good reason for us to be together we will only hurt again later." He says to call if you want. She doesn't call because she doesn't want to hear him saying it's not a good idea! The gal insists, says just to go with your feelings, who cares what the right thing is to do. He says he REALLY wants to, but can't. And he says "you make me very horny but argh we will talk tomorrow ok I got to go."
Question: I know you know nothing about our history together, so it might be hard to determine what is going on here. But from a guys point of view, if this was your ex girlfriend, what do you think it means? Does it mean he's genuinely confused, or these 2 people are just wanting to use each other? Does he honestly not want to come over, and know if he did it would only be for sex? LOL. I'm a very....oblivious chick. Need your help!
VictorM's advice:
I don't know too much but I know enough to know he's got a boat load more common sense than you do.
No, he's not confused. He knows you're a sexy girl but a pain in the ass. So his sanity won over his horniness... this time. I'm sure you'll try again.
You and your boyfriend break up. It's a big one, you definitely feel like it's over, or at least SHOULD be over. What does it mean if the girl texts the guy and says she wants him to come over, no strings attached, and he says "it's a bad idea. I can't tonight." His reasoning why- he says because he doesn't want to regret it and us being lonely is not a good reason for us to be together we will only hurt again later." He says to call if you want. She doesn't call because she doesn't want to hear him saying it's not a good idea! The gal insists, says just to go with your feelings, who cares what the right thing is to do. He says he REALLY wants to, but can't. And he says "you make me very horny but argh we will talk tomorrow ok I got to go."
Question: I know you know nothing about our history together, so it might be hard to determine what is going on here. But from a guys point of view, if this was your ex girlfriend, what do you think it means? Does it mean he's genuinely confused, or these 2 people are just wanting to use each other? Does he honestly not want to come over, and know if he did it would only be for sex? LOL. I'm a very....oblivious chick. Need your help!
VictorM's advice:
I don't know too much but I know enough to know he's got a boat load more common sense than you do.
No, he's not confused. He knows you're a sexy girl but a pain in the ass. So his sanity won over his horniness... this time. I'm sure you'll try again.
How to let him down?
cali93, 14, from: ......., asks:
Well, first off I just entered high school and so far it hasn't been at all fun! On the first day I met this boy I really liked, and a week ago my "best friend" started going out with him... Then recently I was told by two different people that a kid was going to ask me out! Now this boy is nice but I don't like him in that way, and if he does ask me out I don't know how to let him down?!
VictorM's advice:
Tell him: "Thanks, but no thanks." Don't worry, he won't fall apart. He needs to step into the real world and you're just helping him. It'll be good for him... like liver or vegamine.
Cheer up. High school gets better. You just need to step on a few more hearts; that's when the real fun begins.
Well, first off I just entered high school and so far it hasn't been at all fun! On the first day I met this boy I really liked, and a week ago my "best friend" started going out with him... Then recently I was told by two different people that a kid was going to ask me out! Now this boy is nice but I don't like him in that way, and if he does ask me out I don't know how to let him down?!
VictorM's advice:
Tell him: "Thanks, but no thanks." Don't worry, he won't fall apart. He needs to step into the real world and you're just helping him. It'll be good for him... like liver or vegamine.
Cheer up. High school gets better. You just need to step on a few more hearts; that's when the real fun begins.
She's engaged but still has very strong feelings for ex
No One, 20, from Everywhere, asks:
Ok I am engaged but I still have very strong feelings for my ex boyfriend who left me over a year ago for someone who I thought was my best friend. I recently have began talking to him more often and he said he thinks of me when he's having sex with her. The other night we met to talk and things went a little further than talking. What should I do because I don't feel bad about what I did and neither does he? Does that mean the feelings we think we may have for our partners is just a need for attention and companionship?
VictorM's advice:
Not feeling bad has nothing to do with your feelings towards the cheating ex-boyfriend; it has all to do with you being an utterly selfish and indifferent person. You and your needs are all that matter.
What should you do? You should drop your fiance and steal your ex-boyfriend from your former best friend. This way, you'd be doing her and your fiance a huge favor, and getting exactly what you deserve: a boyfriend as selfish and indifferent as you.
Ok I am engaged but I still have very strong feelings for my ex boyfriend who left me over a year ago for someone who I thought was my best friend. I recently have began talking to him more often and he said he thinks of me when he's having sex with her. The other night we met to talk and things went a little further than talking. What should I do because I don't feel bad about what I did and neither does he? Does that mean the feelings we think we may have for our partners is just a need for attention and companionship?
VictorM's advice:
Not feeling bad has nothing to do with your feelings towards the cheating ex-boyfriend; it has all to do with you being an utterly selfish and indifferent person. You and your needs are all that matter.
What should you do? You should drop your fiance and steal your ex-boyfriend from your former best friend. This way, you'd be doing her and your fiance a huge favor, and getting exactly what you deserve: a boyfriend as selfish and indifferent as you.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Does him replying mean he hasn't lost interest?
anonymous, 23, asks:
After a break up, if you have small talk through texts, is it really over? Even if he says:
"it's too soon to hang out there's still too much between us"
or
"it's too soon to talk on the phone"
What if he says "sometime in the future I'll come see your new apt. if you want..."
Basically what I'm asking is this-
I've read that you say a guy has lost interest when he doesn't take the girls' calls, and pretty much ignores her. My ex and I have broken up several times and gotten back together. Even if I initiate the texts, does him replying mean he hasn't lost interest? In your opinion- do you think that when it's truly over, it's over and there is no contact, even if it's just through measley texting?
For example, tonight I texted I was sorry and wish we could go back and just be friends (because we were originally just friends) and he texted back "we'll get there :0)"
It's only been a couple weeks since we broke up, but he pretty much answers any text I send him. Never anything more than saying it's too soon and whatnot. I hate that I'm texting him in the first place, because I don't want to be desperate, I just really miss him in a lot of ways. Of course, in a lot of ways I don't, but that's another story.
Would a guy reply to an ex's text and still not care about the relationship anymore? (also with the fact that we've broken up several times and gotten back together via texting frequency.) Should I assume it's not over until there's no contact, or am I over-analyzing it to be more than just him responding back!?
A little confusing, I know. Sorry! But I love your advice. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
His replies aren't a sign of interest; they're a sign of weakness. He really has made up his mind that you're not for him, he just doesn't have the balls to break away cold turkey. He's weak, like a person who wants to quit smoking but gives in and smokes a cigarette.
By contacting him you're just feeding his weakness and wasting your time.
After a break up, if you have small talk through texts, is it really over? Even if he says:
"it's too soon to hang out there's still too much between us"
or
"it's too soon to talk on the phone"
What if he says "sometime in the future I'll come see your new apt. if you want..."
Basically what I'm asking is this-
I've read that you say a guy has lost interest when he doesn't take the girls' calls, and pretty much ignores her. My ex and I have broken up several times and gotten back together. Even if I initiate the texts, does him replying mean he hasn't lost interest? In your opinion- do you think that when it's truly over, it's over and there is no contact, even if it's just through measley texting?
For example, tonight I texted I was sorry and wish we could go back and just be friends (because we were originally just friends) and he texted back "we'll get there :0)"
It's only been a couple weeks since we broke up, but he pretty much answers any text I send him. Never anything more than saying it's too soon and whatnot. I hate that I'm texting him in the first place, because I don't want to be desperate, I just really miss him in a lot of ways. Of course, in a lot of ways I don't, but that's another story.
Would a guy reply to an ex's text and still not care about the relationship anymore? (also with the fact that we've broken up several times and gotten back together via texting frequency.) Should I assume it's not over until there's no contact, or am I over-analyzing it to be more than just him responding back!?
A little confusing, I know. Sorry! But I love your advice. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
His replies aren't a sign of interest; they're a sign of weakness. He really has made up his mind that you're not for him, he just doesn't have the balls to break away cold turkey. He's weak, like a person who wants to quit smoking but gives in and smokes a cigarette.
By contacting him you're just feeding his weakness and wasting your time.
What does he want?
Meg, 26, from Sweden, asks:
We used to be friends since 10 years ago. Pretty sure that we do have feelings for each other at the very beginning, yet I was in a close relationship at that time, nothing ever started between us. Lately, we meet again and I just can't believe the feeling is still there. But... this time, situation changed, he is now in a close relationship, however, he explained that he doesn't really communicate with his girlfriend that much.
I did let him know I like him and he also admitted that he likes me as well. Yet he is going through some life changes and I can tell that he is not that "certain" whether he can really make it through.
I dare to make it clear with him that whether he wanna be with his current girlfriend or me, his answer was: "For now, I am not ready to change, yet no one knows what's gonna happen in the future!"
I know I had been doing too much for him, as I really care about him. I would write long e-mails to cheer him up, make him have more confidence in what he is going through at the moment. Is usually me to call him and he seldom calls. Yet, when we ever starts to speak on the phone, it would be at least for an hour.
I am clear that I should simply cut all contacts with him, but I can't do it. I did a few times to send him e-mails, hinting him that we should end from now. I was hoping that he won't reply and that I could be saved. But, it didn't work.
I just can't understanding what he wants from me / us, any advice please. Thanks much.
VictorM's advice:
Generally, when it comes to relationships, guys are amazingly lazy. He has a girlfriend (not much communication but probably enough sex for him) and he has you as the listening buddy, ready to step in and fill the gap if ever his girlfriend boots him. Why should he change?
Simply, he's not ready to make a move in his life, one way or the other. Clearly he doesn't feel strongly enough about you to want to make a move. He told you so. So the question you asked me, really, you should ask it of yourself: what do you want from him knowing that he prefers to stay with her than to be with you? I mean, if he's not even that much into her and he still won't be with you, frankly, how much more clearly do things need to be for you to know where you stand with him?
Oh, he told you he liked you too. What was he suppose to say after you told him that you liked him? He just didn't want to hurt your feelings. He likes you as a shoulder to cry on and doesn't want to give that up. But nothing more.
We used to be friends since 10 years ago. Pretty sure that we do have feelings for each other at the very beginning, yet I was in a close relationship at that time, nothing ever started between us. Lately, we meet again and I just can't believe the feeling is still there. But... this time, situation changed, he is now in a close relationship, however, he explained that he doesn't really communicate with his girlfriend that much.
I did let him know I like him and he also admitted that he likes me as well. Yet he is going through some life changes and I can tell that he is not that "certain" whether he can really make it through.
I dare to make it clear with him that whether he wanna be with his current girlfriend or me, his answer was: "For now, I am not ready to change, yet no one knows what's gonna happen in the future!"
I know I had been doing too much for him, as I really care about him. I would write long e-mails to cheer him up, make him have more confidence in what he is going through at the moment. Is usually me to call him and he seldom calls. Yet, when we ever starts to speak on the phone, it would be at least for an hour.
I am clear that I should simply cut all contacts with him, but I can't do it. I did a few times to send him e-mails, hinting him that we should end from now. I was hoping that he won't reply and that I could be saved. But, it didn't work.
I just can't understanding what he wants from me / us, any advice please. Thanks much.
VictorM's advice:
Generally, when it comes to relationships, guys are amazingly lazy. He has a girlfriend (not much communication but probably enough sex for him) and he has you as the listening buddy, ready to step in and fill the gap if ever his girlfriend boots him. Why should he change?
Simply, he's not ready to make a move in his life, one way or the other. Clearly he doesn't feel strongly enough about you to want to make a move. He told you so. So the question you asked me, really, you should ask it of yourself: what do you want from him knowing that he prefers to stay with her than to be with you? I mean, if he's not even that much into her and he still won't be with you, frankly, how much more clearly do things need to be for you to know where you stand with him?
Oh, he told you he liked you too. What was he suppose to say after you told him that you liked him? He just didn't want to hurt your feelings. He likes you as a shoulder to cry on and doesn't want to give that up. But nothing more.
Her first love tracked her down
melissa, 35, from illinois, asks:
An ex boyfriend, actually my first love, tracked me down last Thursday on the phone. I hadn't talked to him in 15 years. We talked for an hour and a half and about two hours after we talked he emailed me saying he is glad he found me and that we got to catch up a little. He also told me I can email or call him anytime. After we talked my mind has been consumed with thoughts of this guy. All of a sudden I started to think about all the good times we had together and I wonder what it would be like to be with him again. The problem is he has been with a woman for two years now, and although they live two and a half hours away from each other, they still see each other on weekends. Anyways, I am confused because I don't understand why in the hell he would all of a sudden think of me one day after all this time has gone by. And, I am confused because he is willing to call and write and he is just so happy with his girlfriend now. Maybe I am a little nuts but this has never happened before. I had a real hard time getting over him, part of me still has a thing for him, I just don't know to what extent. I just thought that men and women usually don't just stay friends. Please help, -Melissa
VictorM's advice:
It's hard to tell what his motivation for calling you might be. There are several possibilities, such as he wants to stroke his ego (and who better to do it than a girl who had a hard time getting over him), maybe he just wants to be in good terms with people in his past, maybe the relationship with his girlfriend isn't as good as you think, maybe he feels lonely... who knows. But if he persists with contacting you, you are right about one thing: he's not likely to be looking for friendship. Oh, he may say that's what he wants, but I wouldn't believe him.
You two are exes for a reason; things went wrong before, they most likely will go wrong again. It's a mistake to expect that good things will come from this contact.
I say keep your distance and your guard up.
An ex boyfriend, actually my first love, tracked me down last Thursday on the phone. I hadn't talked to him in 15 years. We talked for an hour and a half and about two hours after we talked he emailed me saying he is glad he found me and that we got to catch up a little. He also told me I can email or call him anytime. After we talked my mind has been consumed with thoughts of this guy. All of a sudden I started to think about all the good times we had together and I wonder what it would be like to be with him again. The problem is he has been with a woman for two years now, and although they live two and a half hours away from each other, they still see each other on weekends. Anyways, I am confused because I don't understand why in the hell he would all of a sudden think of me one day after all this time has gone by. And, I am confused because he is willing to call and write and he is just so happy with his girlfriend now. Maybe I am a little nuts but this has never happened before. I had a real hard time getting over him, part of me still has a thing for him, I just don't know to what extent. I just thought that men and women usually don't just stay friends. Please help, -Melissa
VictorM's advice:
It's hard to tell what his motivation for calling you might be. There are several possibilities, such as he wants to stroke his ego (and who better to do it than a girl who had a hard time getting over him), maybe he just wants to be in good terms with people in his past, maybe the relationship with his girlfriend isn't as good as you think, maybe he feels lonely... who knows. But if he persists with contacting you, you are right about one thing: he's not likely to be looking for friendship. Oh, he may say that's what he wants, but I wouldn't believe him.
You two are exes for a reason; things went wrong before, they most likely will go wrong again. It's a mistake to expect that good things will come from this contact.
I say keep your distance and your guard up.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
She's scared growth will stop
Heidi, 45, from Ohio, asks:
I've been dating a guy for 10 months. We are head over heals in love. (my soul mate) He has a child from a previous marriage and I have 3. He lives 30 minutes away from me. He travels at least 2 weeks out of the month for his job. It is very difficult to find time together alone. When he is in town we spend weekends together - usually with our kids. We get to be alone once a month. This is very difficult. Hard to grow our relationship with such little time together, but I couldn't think of life without him. He is not willing to move to my side of town, because of his daughter. His ex is not very responsible and he knows if she has custody, his daughter would move schools and homes often, because his ex wife can't seem to keep a job. Ideally, he would want her to go to my children's school, however, he knows that when he is travelling his daughter would be living with her mom and her mom would not be willing to drive her 30 minutes to school each day. I can't move since my kids are 17, 13, and 8 (just too old to switch schools) So, we decided to just keep doing what we are doing, which is seeing each other very little. Not sure if we are wasting our time or should I even be expecting anything more than what I have. Is it too early in our relationship to ask him to make such a huge change in his and his daughter's life? I am just scared that our relationship will not continue to grow the way it should if we were able to spend more time together. Just looking for a little advise. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Seems like you have a good thing going with a man who has his priorities in the right place.
Spending more time together isn't necessarily going to make your relationship "grow" (whatever that means). I can tell you from a guy's point of view, that guys are like camels when it comes to this stuff. That is, really good times with a loved one carry us through for quite a while. We feed off the good times and look with optimist to the next time together.
So rather than dwelling too much on the quantity of time you spend together, make sure the quality of that time is what's important.
I've been dating a guy for 10 months. We are head over heals in love. (my soul mate) He has a child from a previous marriage and I have 3. He lives 30 minutes away from me. He travels at least 2 weeks out of the month for his job. It is very difficult to find time together alone. When he is in town we spend weekends together - usually with our kids. We get to be alone once a month. This is very difficult. Hard to grow our relationship with such little time together, but I couldn't think of life without him. He is not willing to move to my side of town, because of his daughter. His ex is not very responsible and he knows if she has custody, his daughter would move schools and homes often, because his ex wife can't seem to keep a job. Ideally, he would want her to go to my children's school, however, he knows that when he is travelling his daughter would be living with her mom and her mom would not be willing to drive her 30 minutes to school each day. I can't move since my kids are 17, 13, and 8 (just too old to switch schools) So, we decided to just keep doing what we are doing, which is seeing each other very little. Not sure if we are wasting our time or should I even be expecting anything more than what I have. Is it too early in our relationship to ask him to make such a huge change in his and his daughter's life? I am just scared that our relationship will not continue to grow the way it should if we were able to spend more time together. Just looking for a little advise. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Seems like you have a good thing going with a man who has his priorities in the right place.
Spending more time together isn't necessarily going to make your relationship "grow" (whatever that means). I can tell you from a guy's point of view, that guys are like camels when it comes to this stuff. That is, really good times with a loved one carry us through for quite a while. We feed off the good times and look with optimist to the next time together.
So rather than dwelling too much on the quantity of time you spend together, make sure the quality of that time is what's important.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
She feels like she's being taken advantage of
Desirae, 19, from Wyoming, asks:
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of by my boyfriend. I also feel as if I'm more committed to our relationship than he is. Yes, he calls and we do spend time together sometimes, but I'm making most of the effort here. I do tell him how I feel and then he just apologizes and it happens all over again. I can't help but give in and accept his apology. What should I do? How do I let him know I'm serious about this?
VictorM's advice:
You let him know you're serious when you don't give in, otherwise, you're just complaining and your weakness is worse than his. After all, he's getting what he wants but you're not.
You're not trying harder than he is; you're just lazier because you put up with his behavior time and time again. Lacking the courage to do what you know you should do is hardly a sign of trying harder.
But maybe you're right, maybe you're more committed than he is and he's taking advantage of you. In this case, I have to ask: why are you still with him?
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of by my boyfriend. I also feel as if I'm more committed to our relationship than he is. Yes, he calls and we do spend time together sometimes, but I'm making most of the effort here. I do tell him how I feel and then he just apologizes and it happens all over again. I can't help but give in and accept his apology. What should I do? How do I let him know I'm serious about this?
VictorM's advice:
You let him know you're serious when you don't give in, otherwise, you're just complaining and your weakness is worse than his. After all, he's getting what he wants but you're not.
You're not trying harder than he is; you're just lazier because you put up with his behavior time and time again. Lacking the courage to do what you know you should do is hardly a sign of trying harder.
But maybe you're right, maybe you're more committed than he is and he's taking advantage of you. In this case, I have to ask: why are you still with him?
He cares more about his money than his girlfriend
Tracy, 15, from Van, asks:
Hey Vic! Remember me?
Anyway, i think I've been doing too much. Since we're on holidays again, I'm always the one to say I miss him first, and he sent me text saying he wanted to stay with me and that he's bored there, and I also text him that I want to be with him as well and asked him would he feel better if I was there and he said yes, then one day he hasn't text me so i texted him at night saying hi and if he was busy, it took him hours..yes I know he might be busy traveling with his school and stuff but usually it doesn't take him that long to reply. He then replied saying he can't call me because he's got no credit and he said he will call me 4 days later after he reloads his phone and so to be nice and patient I texted him saying that i miss him and will talk to him later, with no reply after that.
I think I've been doing too much, saying I love you and I miss you...maybe he's not into it even though he says it but not all the time, maybe he doesn't like to repeat things. What do you think?
I told my friend and one of his friend about this, and his friend said 'bullsh**..' and said that he cares more about his money than his girlfriend and that he's an ass.
Before school ended for the holiday, we had this movie thing going on, and I had to buy the movie ticket for him, even though it was suppose to be the guy to buy for the girl. I think I care about him too much that maybe he's taking an advantage of me. I don't know really... his friend and mine told me to dump him, but I just can't do it. I need your help victor, you're the only one that actually knows what to do because I won't listen to my friend, they could be wrong.
Thanks Vic! :)
VictorM's advice:
Tracy, give the guy a break, will you? Guys aren't into the whole "I miss you", "I love you", text right away repetition nonsense. I was reading your question and feeling suffocated. Let the poor guy breathe!
And who says the guy has to pay for the movies? Come on! He doesn't.
Just lay off the guy for a while. Go out with some normal friends for a change (not the idiots you're smart enough not to listen to), have fun, and don't be so needy and so clingy. Seriously, the kind of attention you seek can get annoying and is more likely to drive a guy away than to bring him closer to you.
Hey Vic! Remember me?
Anyway, i think I've been doing too much. Since we're on holidays again, I'm always the one to say I miss him first, and he sent me text saying he wanted to stay with me and that he's bored there, and I also text him that I want to be with him as well and asked him would he feel better if I was there and he said yes, then one day he hasn't text me so i texted him at night saying hi and if he was busy, it took him hours..yes I know he might be busy traveling with his school and stuff but usually it doesn't take him that long to reply. He then replied saying he can't call me because he's got no credit and he said he will call me 4 days later after he reloads his phone and so to be nice and patient I texted him saying that i miss him and will talk to him later, with no reply after that.
I think I've been doing too much, saying I love you and I miss you...maybe he's not into it even though he says it but not all the time, maybe he doesn't like to repeat things. What do you think?
I told my friend and one of his friend about this, and his friend said 'bullsh**..' and said that he cares more about his money than his girlfriend and that he's an ass.
Before school ended for the holiday, we had this movie thing going on, and I had to buy the movie ticket for him, even though it was suppose to be the guy to buy for the girl. I think I care about him too much that maybe he's taking an advantage of me. I don't know really... his friend and mine told me to dump him, but I just can't do it. I need your help victor, you're the only one that actually knows what to do because I won't listen to my friend, they could be wrong.
Thanks Vic! :)
VictorM's advice:
Tracy, give the guy a break, will you? Guys aren't into the whole "I miss you", "I love you", text right away repetition nonsense. I was reading your question and feeling suffocated. Let the poor guy breathe!
And who says the guy has to pay for the movies? Come on! He doesn't.
Just lay off the guy for a while. Go out with some normal friends for a change (not the idiots you're smart enough not to listen to), have fun, and don't be so needy and so clingy. Seriously, the kind of attention you seek can get annoying and is more likely to drive a guy away than to bring him closer to you.
She's still hearing nada
Kate, 18, from USA, asks:
First off, thank you so much for answering my Question, but silly me, I forgot to ask what I should do in this situation.. d'oh
For the guy friend who hasn't talked to me for a week and a half "She has heard nada from him"
It just seems so unlike him. For the handful of months we have been friends, we really enjoy each other's company (we talk everyday online for hours), it felt like he made me a priority, he seemed so smitten by me.
I am just not sure if I should try to contact him about it or not (and by instant message or phone?)
And what shall I say?
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
The novelty wore off, Kate. You can contact him and it doesn't matter what you say because nothing will change the basic fact -- he's moved on.
He has nothing, NOTHING... NADA to tell you. He talked to you when it was fun and he stopped when it wasn't. In guy world, it's that simple. There was no contract and no obligation. For reasons he can't explain (see this Q+A for more details), he's moving on. Do likewise, Kate.
First off, thank you so much for answering my Question, but silly me, I forgot to ask what I should do in this situation.. d'oh
For the guy friend who hasn't talked to me for a week and a half "She has heard nada from him"
It just seems so unlike him. For the handful of months we have been friends, we really enjoy each other's company (we talk everyday online for hours), it felt like he made me a priority, he seemed so smitten by me.
I am just not sure if I should try to contact him about it or not (and by instant message or phone?)
And what shall I say?
Thank you
VictorM's advice:
The novelty wore off, Kate. You can contact him and it doesn't matter what you say because nothing will change the basic fact -- he's moved on.
He has nothing, NOTHING... NADA to tell you. He talked to you when it was fun and he stopped when it wasn't. In guy world, it's that simple. There was no contract and no obligation. For reasons he can't explain (see this Q+A for more details), he's moving on. Do likewise, Kate.
She took my word that it's over
Annie, 42, from TN, asks:
VictorM,
Last time I shared my life story with you about a man I was seeing for 2.5 yrs. He was moving to Indiana for a job also closer to family. Etc. The night planned on getting together,Morning he was fine came over picked him took him to get uhaul, then, 3 PM started texting guys coming over, he started acting odd said, "don't come over you hate goodbyes," (he was leaving in the morning" then, he got a pic sent to his cell phone unable to open. He thought it was me and said, "come over show me the real version" Then, I text back saying, "What pic?" He text back, saying wrong #. I came over and he was distant would not let me come near him. Said,"he thought it was me being sexy, but it wasn't, it's over, I don't want to use you coming into town." Then, he used the cliche "It's me, not you" I busted him on it and and said, "Can't believe you used that line on me." He laughed and said, "I knew you would get it" kicking his leg up in the air. I left walking out said, you want it over, OK it's over. he followed saying,"It was a joke" I said, "Screw You" Conclusion: "I said, I guess He'll never call me." Victor said, "Guess! He said, OVER,nothing confusing about that, done, fat ladie sang ... etc. Well, after your advice, I emailed him and told him, I was mad about his lack of sensitiviy,and insulting my intelligence with a cliches, and that I was just agreeing with him that night it was "over." Then, I told him how it sucked, I lost my job that week, then, lost him, them, my daughter left and went back to her fathers. All on a PMS week now that is a "Helluva" bad week. Well, he called me Monday, talked about his new house...etc. Trying to make me laugh also joked around by turning things around to me Said, "Annie, you know we can't give up 2.5 years no matter how bad you try to." Then, said, he'll be back in end of November to finish packing and go hunting etc. Then, said, Annie are you going to come and see me? I said, "we'll see what happens you never what tomorrow brings." Then I said, I have to go see an account." Thanks for calling, He said, "OK, take care" So what was that all about? He leaves me so confused about his words and actions. He shocked me just calling, I took your word on this one. "Over"
VictorM's advice:
Annie, it is OVER!
He's just coming back to pack and go hunting (notice he's not coming back for you) for a few days and he'll do/say what it takes to fuck you a few times. And when he goes back home? You'll know what I mean by "it's over".
VictorM,
Last time I shared my life story with you about a man I was seeing for 2.5 yrs. He was moving to Indiana for a job also closer to family. Etc. The night planned on getting together,Morning he was fine came over picked him took him to get uhaul, then, 3 PM started texting guys coming over, he started acting odd said, "don't come over you hate goodbyes," (he was leaving in the morning" then, he got a pic sent to his cell phone unable to open. He thought it was me and said, "come over show me the real version" Then, I text back saying, "What pic?" He text back, saying wrong #. I came over and he was distant would not let me come near him. Said,"he thought it was me being sexy, but it wasn't, it's over, I don't want to use you coming into town." Then, he used the cliche "It's me, not you" I busted him on it and and said, "Can't believe you used that line on me." He laughed and said, "I knew you would get it" kicking his leg up in the air. I left walking out said, you want it over, OK it's over. he followed saying,"It was a joke" I said, "Screw You" Conclusion: "I said, I guess He'll never call me." Victor said, "Guess! He said, OVER,nothing confusing about that, done, fat ladie sang ... etc. Well, after your advice, I emailed him and told him, I was mad about his lack of sensitiviy,and insulting my intelligence with a cliches, and that I was just agreeing with him that night it was "over." Then, I told him how it sucked, I lost my job that week, then, lost him, them, my daughter left and went back to her fathers. All on a PMS week now that is a "Helluva" bad week. Well, he called me Monday, talked about his new house...etc. Trying to make me laugh also joked around by turning things around to me Said, "Annie, you know we can't give up 2.5 years no matter how bad you try to." Then, said, he'll be back in end of November to finish packing and go hunting etc. Then, said, Annie are you going to come and see me? I said, "we'll see what happens you never what tomorrow brings." Then I said, I have to go see an account." Thanks for calling, He said, "OK, take care" So what was that all about? He leaves me so confused about his words and actions. He shocked me just calling, I took your word on this one. "Over"
VictorM's advice:
Annie, it is OVER!
He's just coming back to pack and go hunting (notice he's not coming back for you) for a few days and he'll do/say what it takes to fuck you a few times. And when he goes back home? You'll know what I mean by "it's over".
When she meets a guy, other girls take him away
Ashley, 16, from NYC, asks:
Helpppp. Whenever I meet a guy, things go good.. but for some reason other girls take them away from me! The last guy I met seemed really into me, we went out a couple of times and I thought we were seeing each other. After 2 weeks he starts talking to another girl, and now they are hooking up. I feel like she just stole him from me, but he was never mine to begin with so it's not like I could have stopped it.
This happened to me before and I don't want to be the girl who gets her guys taken from her. I want to be the girl who takes them from others. What keeps going wrong??
VictorM's advice:
Nothing is going wrong. Guys will come into your life (and some girl somewhere is wondering why you stole him from her) and sometimes they'll leave and you'll wonder why. It's all normal.
You're the lucky one. You're getting rid of guys who aren't a good match for you rather quickly. Good for you.
Helpppp. Whenever I meet a guy, things go good.. but for some reason other girls take them away from me! The last guy I met seemed really into me, we went out a couple of times and I thought we were seeing each other. After 2 weeks he starts talking to another girl, and now they are hooking up. I feel like she just stole him from me, but he was never mine to begin with so it's not like I could have stopped it.
This happened to me before and I don't want to be the girl who gets her guys taken from her. I want to be the girl who takes them from others. What keeps going wrong??
VictorM's advice:
Nothing is going wrong. Guys will come into your life (and some girl somewhere is wondering why you stole him from her) and sometimes they'll leave and you'll wonder why. It's all normal.
You're the lucky one. You're getting rid of guys who aren't a good match for you rather quickly. Good for you.
His buddies encourage him to stay out all night
Patty, 48, from Ohio, asks:
Any suggestions on how I handle this? Last night the live-in guy I am dating, called to say he was stopping at the bar after work (3:30pm) with his buddies for a little bit. At 7:30 he was still not home. He is Irish and once he gets started, loves to pound the beer down and gets trashed so I called his cell but he did not answer.
At 3:30am this morning the phone rings, it's him saying he fell asleep in the jeep, thought he lost his keys, just found them and is on his way home.
I do love him and think we could have a great life together except for this problem, but he does not care at those times (the alcohol) if he blows me off, his 2 girls, or anyone for that matter. He has done this to me and them so many times. This morning when I asked why he didn't answer when I called he said he didn't know. I have accused him of being with another woman but he says that is not it, he is partying with the boys, watching and talking sports. The last time this happened, a week or two ago, I asked him to at least let me know he is okay but he does not. The Jeep is in my name and it worrys me him driving drunk like that. I have told him this also but it does not seem to matter? Does that mean he has no respect for me, or does not really care about me? He told me this morning he wished I would have come out also then he wouldn't have stayed out so long. His buddies encourage him to stay out all night. He tells me he loves me and I am everything he wants and me him and his kids will have a great future together, and in another breath he says there are days he could care less if he lives or dies and does not give a shit about anything or even himself. Any advice that might help me to help him?
VictorM's advice:
It would take a miracle for him to stop drinking and a miracle for you to understand that. And I don't believe in miracles.
He's addicted to the alcohol and the life style that comes with it, and you're addicted to him. Your addiction seems easier to get over, yet won't leave him. You are shifting the blame to him the way he shifts it to the drinking. Bottom line is that you're both two irresponsible and weak adults attracted to each other, both caught in a pattern of self-destruction.
Want to make me a believer in "miracles"? Email me months from now telling me that you packed your bags and left him. That you want half way across the country, found a new job, a new home, and are seeing a professional therapist to understand why you were attracted to such a man so that it won't happen again.
Any suggestions on how I handle this? Last night the live-in guy I am dating, called to say he was stopping at the bar after work (3:30pm) with his buddies for a little bit. At 7:30 he was still not home. He is Irish and once he gets started, loves to pound the beer down and gets trashed so I called his cell but he did not answer.
At 3:30am this morning the phone rings, it's him saying he fell asleep in the jeep, thought he lost his keys, just found them and is on his way home.
I do love him and think we could have a great life together except for this problem, but he does not care at those times (the alcohol) if he blows me off, his 2 girls, or anyone for that matter. He has done this to me and them so many times. This morning when I asked why he didn't answer when I called he said he didn't know. I have accused him of being with another woman but he says that is not it, he is partying with the boys, watching and talking sports. The last time this happened, a week or two ago, I asked him to at least let me know he is okay but he does not. The Jeep is in my name and it worrys me him driving drunk like that. I have told him this also but it does not seem to matter? Does that mean he has no respect for me, or does not really care about me? He told me this morning he wished I would have come out also then he wouldn't have stayed out so long. His buddies encourage him to stay out all night. He tells me he loves me and I am everything he wants and me him and his kids will have a great future together, and in another breath he says there are days he could care less if he lives or dies and does not give a shit about anything or even himself. Any advice that might help me to help him?
VictorM's advice:
It would take a miracle for him to stop drinking and a miracle for you to understand that. And I don't believe in miracles.
He's addicted to the alcohol and the life style that comes with it, and you're addicted to him. Your addiction seems easier to get over, yet won't leave him. You are shifting the blame to him the way he shifts it to the drinking. Bottom line is that you're both two irresponsible and weak adults attracted to each other, both caught in a pattern of self-destruction.
Want to make me a believer in "miracles"? Email me months from now telling me that you packed your bags and left him. That you want half way across the country, found a new job, a new home, and are seeing a professional therapist to understand why you were attracted to such a man so that it won't happen again.
He was always showering her with attention
Julie, 33, from PA, asks:
Victor,
Thank you for having this advice column. So glad I found it and in desperate need of your insight.
I met someone online, and at first we just chatted once in awhile, but then as time went on we realized that we had a wonderful connection and chatted non-stop via phone, texts and online. The guy was really sweet and was always showering me with attention. Well, we decided to meet and travel extensive distances to see each other. Everything was more perfect than I would have ever dreamed and yes, sex included. We got along perfectly and we laughed a lot and again, had this great connection- even stronger in person. I showered him with tons of compliments - told him how funny he was, etc. and meant every word of it! He said he was more comfortable with me already than his last girlfriend of several years. Right after the trip, I let him know how wonderful everything was and he agreed it was so worth it to meet and that he had a great time, as well. But then right after that, he started acting what I call distant--seemed to pull away the more I tried to talk to him. The showering of attention definitely had ceased, so I confronted him a couple of times and asked him to just tell me goodbye if it was over and also told him I hate being in limbo and that it was easier just to have closure. He does not want that supposedly, but 'needs time for him and needs to sort his life out'. Says he will get a hold of me when he gets it figured out. I am totally confused and am more crazy about the guy more than ever. How could things go from a perfect meeting to he has 'to sort his life out'? What is the translation? I don't know if it means he just needs space or if it means he is overwhelmed with what happened or if he is interested in others? I have no clue. Stumped and waiting around. Please help! Thank you soo much!
VictorM's advice:
Let's go step by the step:
Boy meets girl -- He's totally smitten by her. It may be her charm, her wit, her sense of humor, but in most cases, it's her looks, real (if he sees her in person) or imaginary (if over the internet). In any case, once the attraction sets in, he is flooded with chemicals (really, it's a chemical reaction not too unlike drugs) and his thinking is clouded. Hence expressions like "blinded by love", "rose colored glasses", etc. At this point, he's not thinking clearly.
The conquest -- Once he's smitten, seducing her is next. It's important for the male ego that she be seduced by him. This is why too often girls who profess their love for the guy will spoil it for him. The chase triggers its own chemical reaction. And so, the courtship continues with compliments, gifts, all kinds of romantic plans, amazing attention, etc. He's going all out, not thinking clearly.
Solving the Mystery -- In essence, a new female is like an exciting new mystery to be solved. Is she what he's looking for? That could change from guy to guy but it's usually a gut reaction (chemistry). The quest to solve the mystery further fuels his fire. He's going on impulse; he's not thinking clearly.
The one thing that changes everything -- And then one day, it happens... just like that. The mystery is solved. Most often it's the actual sex act (because that's as intimate as act as guys can think of) but it could be anything... she drools while napping, he catches her picking her nose, she wears something he's embarrassed to be seen with her... seriously, it could be anything or even nothing at all, but -- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT: he's not even aware of what it is -- but something changes. It's Mother Nature's way of saying she is not the right match for him because Mother Nature knows he won't do the thinking necessary to reach that conclusion on his own.
Mystery solved -- At this point in this drug-induced courtship, the brain levels itself out and the chemicals released into his body stop. The mystery resolved leaves the guy one morning without the desire to see her. He doesn't even know why this is, but... the magic is gone. He's confused and can't think of what went wrong.
Stalling for time -- He seriously doesn't know why his interest in her stopped. He thinks it's a mood or a temporary phase, something that will change again and the last thing he wants to do is burn his bridges with her, so he stalls for time... and so he becomes too busy, has family problems, is stressed with work, school, family, needs time, needs space, must sort out his life, blah blah blah... He really doesn't know why he lost interest. At this point, most guys can't think of a real reason and wouldn't know what to say to her.
Closure -- She wants to know what it was about her that made him change and the truth is, he can't tell her. It's not that he's lying or playing games about that. He has no clue why the attraction ended. It's not because she's a bad person, or one that did something wrong. Asking him why he lost interest is futile because he can't think of a reason.
Throughout the whole process, serious thinking was not part of the process; you can't expect the guy to think now and tell you something he himself doesn't know the answer to.
Unknown factors brought you two together and unknown factors drove you apart. It's life in a society that mates by the selection process.
The lucky ones, like you, find out when it's early enough; others are not so lucky -- they find out when it leads to painful divorces, often with terrible legal and emotional battles.
Julie, you want closure? Find it by counting your blessings for having found out early enough that you two weren't as good a match as you thought, even if he can't think of what that is that makes it so.
Victor,
Thank you for having this advice column. So glad I found it and in desperate need of your insight.
I met someone online, and at first we just chatted once in awhile, but then as time went on we realized that we had a wonderful connection and chatted non-stop via phone, texts and online. The guy was really sweet and was always showering me with attention. Well, we decided to meet and travel extensive distances to see each other. Everything was more perfect than I would have ever dreamed and yes, sex included. We got along perfectly and we laughed a lot and again, had this great connection- even stronger in person. I showered him with tons of compliments - told him how funny he was, etc. and meant every word of it! He said he was more comfortable with me already than his last girlfriend of several years. Right after the trip, I let him know how wonderful everything was and he agreed it was so worth it to meet and that he had a great time, as well. But then right after that, he started acting what I call distant--seemed to pull away the more I tried to talk to him. The showering of attention definitely had ceased, so I confronted him a couple of times and asked him to just tell me goodbye if it was over and also told him I hate being in limbo and that it was easier just to have closure. He does not want that supposedly, but 'needs time for him and needs to sort his life out'. Says he will get a hold of me when he gets it figured out. I am totally confused and am more crazy about the guy more than ever. How could things go from a perfect meeting to he has 'to sort his life out'? What is the translation? I don't know if it means he just needs space or if it means he is overwhelmed with what happened or if he is interested in others? I have no clue. Stumped and waiting around. Please help! Thank you soo much!
VictorM's advice:
Let's go step by the step:
Boy meets girl -- He's totally smitten by her. It may be her charm, her wit, her sense of humor, but in most cases, it's her looks, real (if he sees her in person) or imaginary (if over the internet). In any case, once the attraction sets in, he is flooded with chemicals (really, it's a chemical reaction not too unlike drugs) and his thinking is clouded. Hence expressions like "blinded by love", "rose colored glasses", etc. At this point, he's not thinking clearly.
The conquest -- Once he's smitten, seducing her is next. It's important for the male ego that she be seduced by him. This is why too often girls who profess their love for the guy will spoil it for him. The chase triggers its own chemical reaction. And so, the courtship continues with compliments, gifts, all kinds of romantic plans, amazing attention, etc. He's going all out, not thinking clearly.
Solving the Mystery -- In essence, a new female is like an exciting new mystery to be solved. Is she what he's looking for? That could change from guy to guy but it's usually a gut reaction (chemistry). The quest to solve the mystery further fuels his fire. He's going on impulse; he's not thinking clearly.
The one thing that changes everything -- And then one day, it happens... just like that. The mystery is solved. Most often it's the actual sex act (because that's as intimate as act as guys can think of) but it could be anything... she drools while napping, he catches her picking her nose, she wears something he's embarrassed to be seen with her... seriously, it could be anything or even nothing at all, but -- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT: he's not even aware of what it is -- but something changes. It's Mother Nature's way of saying she is not the right match for him because Mother Nature knows he won't do the thinking necessary to reach that conclusion on his own.
Mystery solved -- At this point in this drug-induced courtship, the brain levels itself out and the chemicals released into his body stop. The mystery resolved leaves the guy one morning without the desire to see her. He doesn't even know why this is, but... the magic is gone. He's confused and can't think of what went wrong.
Stalling for time -- He seriously doesn't know why his interest in her stopped. He thinks it's a mood or a temporary phase, something that will change again and the last thing he wants to do is burn his bridges with her, so he stalls for time... and so he becomes too busy, has family problems, is stressed with work, school, family, needs time, needs space, must sort out his life, blah blah blah... He really doesn't know why he lost interest. At this point, most guys can't think of a real reason and wouldn't know what to say to her.
Closure -- She wants to know what it was about her that made him change and the truth is, he can't tell her. It's not that he's lying or playing games about that. He has no clue why the attraction ended. It's not because she's a bad person, or one that did something wrong. Asking him why he lost interest is futile because he can't think of a reason.
Throughout the whole process, serious thinking was not part of the process; you can't expect the guy to think now and tell you something he himself doesn't know the answer to.
Unknown factors brought you two together and unknown factors drove you apart. It's life in a society that mates by the selection process.
The lucky ones, like you, find out when it's early enough; others are not so lucky -- they find out when it leads to painful divorces, often with terrible legal and emotional battles.
Julie, you want closure? Find it by counting your blessings for having found out early enough that you two weren't as good a match as you thought, even if he can't think of what that is that makes it so.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Explaining the lack of posts
Hi all,
I have not made any posts in the last several days because my computer died. I had to get a new one. I have it now and I'm in the middle of getting all my stuff back together.
I didn't lose any of the questions you submitted; I just need to find the time to start answering your questions again. I'm hoping I can start doing that sometime tomorrow.
Thanks,
VictorM
I have not made any posts in the last several days because my computer died. I had to get a new one. I have it now and I'm in the middle of getting all my stuff back together.
I didn't lose any of the questions you submitted; I just need to find the time to start answering your questions again. I'm hoping I can start doing that sometime tomorrow.
Thanks,
VictorM
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Amazing-looking guy with money, cars, and a great job
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I started seeing this amazing looking guy with money, cars, great job and he's so charming BUT I was told by my ex that he has a girlfriend. So I investigated and it turned out he did. His pal told me how he cheats on her all the time and she doesn't even care, she lets him. She gave him condoms to go away on holiday!! I quizzed him and he said 'I broke up with her when I was with you but we might be working it out, I'm not sure what I want just now' WTF? I mean, we only ever kissed so I wasn't too hurt or anything but what's going on? I like him, but I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
With all due respect, Lindsey, you must be the type that gets confused too easily.
Come on, the guy is a playboy, a player, or whatever other word you want to use. You liking him doesn't change his true characteristics.
For some guys, the fun is in quantity. You were just one of many, I'm sure. And I'm sure you're not the only one who acted all superficial and was smitten by his looks and his material possessions.
Maybe this could be a little lesson for you that there should be other things to look for in a guy? I hope so. I hope you learn something. I also hope he stays with his girlfriend -- they seem made for each other.
I started seeing this amazing looking guy with money, cars, great job and he's so charming BUT I was told by my ex that he has a girlfriend. So I investigated and it turned out he did. His pal told me how he cheats on her all the time and she doesn't even care, she lets him. She gave him condoms to go away on holiday!! I quizzed him and he said 'I broke up with her when I was with you but we might be working it out, I'm not sure what I want just now' WTF? I mean, we only ever kissed so I wasn't too hurt or anything but what's going on? I like him, but I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
With all due respect, Lindsey, you must be the type that gets confused too easily.
Come on, the guy is a playboy, a player, or whatever other word you want to use. You liking him doesn't change his true characteristics.
For some guys, the fun is in quantity. You were just one of many, I'm sure. And I'm sure you're not the only one who acted all superficial and was smitten by his looks and his material possessions.
Maybe this could be a little lesson for you that there should be other things to look for in a guy? I hope so. I hope you learn something. I also hope he stays with his girlfriend -- they seem made for each other.
They have been having casual sex for months
Nicole, 30, from Alabama, asks:
I have been having casual sex with this guy for a couple of months now. But first, we both just got out long relationships, so I am not wanting a relationship. So let me get that out there. Anyways, so we have been having sex a couple of times a week. We hang out for awhile, have sex, I stay for a minute and then I leave. We are both affectionate people and we get very into the sex with each other and can get very intense at times. Everytime we are together, it just gets better. The last time we were together, I noticed he kept looking into my eyes. I am not sure how that made me feel or what he was feeling. I really like him, not just for sex but like I said before I am not wanting to be committed. I am confused, because he says he can keep sex and emotions seperate, but then wonders why I haven't emailed or anything to say hello. I do not call him, I am not needy, and I have my own life. I like it that way, and not that would change if I did get into a relationship. But my question is, how do we woman know or how can we tell when a guy likes you more then just casual? I am dating a couple of other guys, but not having sex with them, should I let him know that to see how he responds? I am just confused I guess you can say. We just get along so good, we fit if that makes any sense. Any help is greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Nicole, you have things exactly as you want them, why are you thinking about this so much? I know, I know, you're a female. *shakes head*
Don't tell him about the other guys. For one thing you'd be telling him as a test, and tests are terrible things in either relationships or friendships. Do NOT test him. For another, it would be conveying information that betrays what you have and what you are happy with; by that I mean, you'd be the one treating him exactly as you don't want to. By your won account, you two have sex and that's it. No need for him to know too much about your life.
Unless and until he declares he has feelings for you, assume he doesn't have them, or if he does, assume he doesn't want them to get in the way of what you have now. Guys are quite capable of having intense and intimate sex without being in love, and they are capable of being in love without getting all needy and weepy about it.
You have sex. The sex is great and getting better. It's intense and affectionate. It would follow that strong eye contact is part of it. Strong eye contact need not be a sign of love; looking deep into your eyes can be purely erotic.
Unconfuse yourself and enjoy the life you're having. Don't go looking to create drama that need not exist.
I have been having casual sex with this guy for a couple of months now. But first, we both just got out long relationships, so I am not wanting a relationship. So let me get that out there. Anyways, so we have been having sex a couple of times a week. We hang out for awhile, have sex, I stay for a minute and then I leave. We are both affectionate people and we get very into the sex with each other and can get very intense at times. Everytime we are together, it just gets better. The last time we were together, I noticed he kept looking into my eyes. I am not sure how that made me feel or what he was feeling. I really like him, not just for sex but like I said before I am not wanting to be committed. I am confused, because he says he can keep sex and emotions seperate, but then wonders why I haven't emailed or anything to say hello. I do not call him, I am not needy, and I have my own life. I like it that way, and not that would change if I did get into a relationship. But my question is, how do we woman know or how can we tell when a guy likes you more then just casual? I am dating a couple of other guys, but not having sex with them, should I let him know that to see how he responds? I am just confused I guess you can say. We just get along so good, we fit if that makes any sense. Any help is greatly appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Nicole, you have things exactly as you want them, why are you thinking about this so much? I know, I know, you're a female. *shakes head*
Don't tell him about the other guys. For one thing you'd be telling him as a test, and tests are terrible things in either relationships or friendships. Do NOT test him. For another, it would be conveying information that betrays what you have and what you are happy with; by that I mean, you'd be the one treating him exactly as you don't want to. By your won account, you two have sex and that's it. No need for him to know too much about your life.
Unless and until he declares he has feelings for you, assume he doesn't have them, or if he does, assume he doesn't want them to get in the way of what you have now. Guys are quite capable of having intense and intimate sex without being in love, and they are capable of being in love without getting all needy and weepy about it.
You have sex. The sex is great and getting better. It's intense and affectionate. It would follow that strong eye contact is part of it. Strong eye contact need not be a sign of love; looking deep into your eyes can be purely erotic.
Unconfuse yourself and enjoy the life you're having. Don't go looking to create drama that need not exist.
He left to play in the NFL
Kara, 21, from Iowa, asks:
I've been dating a guy I met at college for about a year. He left to play in the NFL and is fortunate enough to get the chance to start and play the entire game. He broke up with me last night because he says he needs to focus on football 100% and doesn't have time for me. I understand how busy he is and I never ask anything of him. He needs to prove himself in the NFL now or never and I understand that. I'm wondering if after the whole football thing settles down if he is ever going to be ready to be with me again. Is it stupid to wait around for him? He is the only guy I've EVER trusted and I'm completely in love with him! I can see myself with him for the rest of my life, I just don't know if he feels the same now. Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
I have no way of knowing if he feels the same way about you. I also have no idea what it's like to be an athlete trying to make it in the NFL; I know the odds are very small and the work effort required is enormous. But I do read quite a bit about athletes and I don't believe there's a shortage of them that have girlfriends, wives, or families. Somehow, most of them seem to manage. Heck, some athletes manage multiple girlfriends. They work hard but so hard that they don't have time for a phone call or an email here and there?
I don't know... if he felt as strongly about you as you do about him, does it seem so inconceivable to expect him to want to continue the relationship? I know there are no pro teams in Iowa, but the season is over in January, even earlier unless his team makes the playoffs. So it's not like you'd be long distance that much. You also sound like the type of girl who wouldn't demand too much from him.
Is it worth waiting for him or not? I really don't know Kara, but like I said, athletes have girlfriends or wives. I'd be skeptical of his decision.
I've been dating a guy I met at college for about a year. He left to play in the NFL and is fortunate enough to get the chance to start and play the entire game. He broke up with me last night because he says he needs to focus on football 100% and doesn't have time for me. I understand how busy he is and I never ask anything of him. He needs to prove himself in the NFL now or never and I understand that. I'm wondering if after the whole football thing settles down if he is ever going to be ready to be with me again. Is it stupid to wait around for him? He is the only guy I've EVER trusted and I'm completely in love with him! I can see myself with him for the rest of my life, I just don't know if he feels the same now. Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
I have no way of knowing if he feels the same way about you. I also have no idea what it's like to be an athlete trying to make it in the NFL; I know the odds are very small and the work effort required is enormous. But I do read quite a bit about athletes and I don't believe there's a shortage of them that have girlfriends, wives, or families. Somehow, most of them seem to manage. Heck, some athletes manage multiple girlfriends. They work hard but so hard that they don't have time for a phone call or an email here and there?
I don't know... if he felt as strongly about you as you do about him, does it seem so inconceivable to expect him to want to continue the relationship? I know there are no pro teams in Iowa, but the season is over in January, even earlier unless his team makes the playoffs. So it's not like you'd be long distance that much. You also sound like the type of girl who wouldn't demand too much from him.
Is it worth waiting for him or not? I really don't know Kara, but like I said, athletes have girlfriends or wives. I'd be skeptical of his decision.
She has fallen in love with a jerk
Shreta, 35, from India, asks:
Despite having a high EQ, I could not figure out that a guy (my professional superior) liked me because he used to cut down everything I said for 4 years! Than he made a move and said that he has a soft corner for me and would like to sleep with me! Which took me by surprise. We went halfway and than I refused because even though we are very attracted to each other, I have hangups with having sex without love. Now the situation is that I have fallen in love with the jerk and told him, he says he will let me know when he falls in love with me. So I am playing cool but I need to know if I need to move on though it's going to take me some time. Where do I stand? What is going on in this guy's mind? By the way, he has a huge ego.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's only interested in sex with you and is debating if it's worth lying to you (by telling you he loves you) to get you in bed with him.
He didn't cut you down for 4 years just because he is attracted to you; he did it because he's a jerk. Little kids and jerks do that, but not reasonable adults. Adults who are not jerks treat those they like nicely.
When it comes to you I don't think there's much going on his mind; all the action is going down lower.
Despite having a high EQ, I could not figure out that a guy (my professional superior) liked me because he used to cut down everything I said for 4 years! Than he made a move and said that he has a soft corner for me and would like to sleep with me! Which took me by surprise. We went halfway and than I refused because even though we are very attracted to each other, I have hangups with having sex without love. Now the situation is that I have fallen in love with the jerk and told him, he says he will let me know when he falls in love with me. So I am playing cool but I need to know if I need to move on though it's going to take me some time. Where do I stand? What is going on in this guy's mind? By the way, he has a huge ego.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's only interested in sex with you and is debating if it's worth lying to you (by telling you he loves you) to get you in bed with him.
He didn't cut you down for 4 years just because he is attracted to you; he did it because he's a jerk. Little kids and jerks do that, but not reasonable adults. Adults who are not jerks treat those they like nicely.
When it comes to you I don't think there's much going on his mind; all the action is going down lower.
They have become better friends
Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach, asks:
Hey vic, remember me?
Well last I wrote I mentioned hugs and being more than friends the hugs aren't such a big mystery anymore but still being more than friends, how does any girl know??
Lately me and the guy I mentioned last have become better friends and I think I generally like him as one and possibly more than a friend. Him, I'm not so sure. In the past week or so he's walked me home twice and I live farther than him and I've actually been to his house where I met his friends, his mom, and grandpa and step-grandma and saw him skate on his board and he showed me all these tapes of him and his friends skating. Now my problem is still the same: is he thinking of me as a friend or more than one?
All my friends say he wouldn't be interested in me if he didn't do all those things but I'm scared that even if he does like me, will he make a move? He told me of his last girlfriend in 8th grade who I actually knew but wasn't really friends with and he hasn't had a girlfriend since. (We're both in 11th grade now). And when I got home he left me a message hoping I didn't get in trouble since I stayed late and offering me to come over again to watch a movie we talked about. I said yes but he didn't reply back so today we talked about it and he gave me a choice of just borrowing the movie or going to watch it at his house. Now, why did he give me a choice all of a sudden?? And when he dropped me off at home again he made a funny comment saying "man now I have to find the movie and everything." At the time I didn't know he was playing around so I replied "oh fine then be like that forget it" but right before he left I saw him (where he couldn't see me) and there was this smile on his face... and I have no idea except that he was trying to make me squirm. So what is he doing? Meaning does he want me to come over?? And if so, does he like me more than a friend? And finally what should i do?? And why did he change the offer all of a sudden? thanks vic (sorry it's so long)
VictorM's advice:
He gave you a choice with the movie so you wouldn't get in trouble. He's just being considerate. You left him a message and he didn't reply. I would think for one of two reasons: one, your message was not a question requiring a reply; or two, he ate something that messed with his intestines and he got a severe case of diarrhea and was stuck in the bathroom for hours. Hey, you never know.
Sounds like he likes you but that doesn't mean he's ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, so he'll be friendly, stay close, and who knows, maybe he'll make a move when he's ready. Boys do take their time making a move so you have to be patient. Everything else is just you over analyzing what is very normal behavior for a boy.
Hey vic, remember me?
Well last I wrote I mentioned hugs and being more than friends the hugs aren't such a big mystery anymore but still being more than friends, how does any girl know??
Lately me and the guy I mentioned last have become better friends and I think I generally like him as one and possibly more than a friend. Him, I'm not so sure. In the past week or so he's walked me home twice and I live farther than him and I've actually been to his house where I met his friends, his mom, and grandpa and step-grandma and saw him skate on his board and he showed me all these tapes of him and his friends skating. Now my problem is still the same: is he thinking of me as a friend or more than one?
All my friends say he wouldn't be interested in me if he didn't do all those things but I'm scared that even if he does like me, will he make a move? He told me of his last girlfriend in 8th grade who I actually knew but wasn't really friends with and he hasn't had a girlfriend since. (We're both in 11th grade now). And when I got home he left me a message hoping I didn't get in trouble since I stayed late and offering me to come over again to watch a movie we talked about. I said yes but he didn't reply back so today we talked about it and he gave me a choice of just borrowing the movie or going to watch it at his house. Now, why did he give me a choice all of a sudden?? And when he dropped me off at home again he made a funny comment saying "man now I have to find the movie and everything." At the time I didn't know he was playing around so I replied "oh fine then be like that forget it" but right before he left I saw him (where he couldn't see me) and there was this smile on his face... and I have no idea except that he was trying to make me squirm. So what is he doing? Meaning does he want me to come over?? And if so, does he like me more than a friend? And finally what should i do?? And why did he change the offer all of a sudden? thanks vic (sorry it's so long)
VictorM's advice:
He gave you a choice with the movie so you wouldn't get in trouble. He's just being considerate. You left him a message and he didn't reply. I would think for one of two reasons: one, your message was not a question requiring a reply; or two, he ate something that messed with his intestines and he got a severe case of diarrhea and was stuck in the bathroom for hours. Hey, you never know.
Sounds like he likes you but that doesn't mean he's ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, so he'll be friendly, stay close, and who knows, maybe he'll make a move when he's ready. Boys do take their time making a move so you have to be patient. Everything else is just you over analyzing what is very normal behavior for a boy.
Skinny girls versus big girls
crystal, 17, from lynwood, asks:
Why do guys like skinny girls more than big girls?
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that by "big girls" you mean obese girls, not merely 5 or 10 pounds overweight; and that by "skinny girls" you don't mean anorexic-looking ones.
In general, guys prefer skinnier girls because the odds are that they are more energetic, have better eating habits, exercise more, are more active, are healthier (fewer risks or heart failure, respiratory problems, etc.). Thinner girls also don't have, or are less prone to, cellulite, stretched marks, and other conditions deemed less attractive. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
You would be hard-pressed to find a skinny person who would love to be fat, but many fat people would love to be thinner. So skinnier is, in general, more desirable. Marketers don't sell products to the way people look, they sell products to the way people WANT to look like. This is why you don't see fat supermodels and why we are inundated with magazines, commercials, movies, TV shows, etc. that equate skinnier with prettier.
Tolerance for what constitutes "skinny" versus "big" changes from culture to culture. Some cultures are more prone to liking women that "have some meat on their bones" than others.
Why do guys like skinny girls more than big girls?
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that by "big girls" you mean obese girls, not merely 5 or 10 pounds overweight; and that by "skinny girls" you don't mean anorexic-looking ones.
In general, guys prefer skinnier girls because the odds are that they are more energetic, have better eating habits, exercise more, are more active, are healthier (fewer risks or heart failure, respiratory problems, etc.). Thinner girls also don't have, or are less prone to, cellulite, stretched marks, and other conditions deemed less attractive. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
You would be hard-pressed to find a skinny person who would love to be fat, but many fat people would love to be thinner. So skinnier is, in general, more desirable. Marketers don't sell products to the way people look, they sell products to the way people WANT to look like. This is why you don't see fat supermodels and why we are inundated with magazines, commercials, movies, TV shows, etc. that equate skinnier with prettier.
Tolerance for what constitutes "skinny" versus "big" changes from culture to culture. Some cultures are more prone to liking women that "have some meat on their bones" than others.
It was love at first sight
gabby, 20, from new zealand, asks:
I have been with a guy for little more than a month, he is everything I have ever asked for, we get along so well, and it was love at first sight, every time we speak either on phone, through text or face to face we tell each other how much in love we are. Recently, I met some of his mates at a party, I knew no one and was nervous. I drank, which I don't take too well and I said something to someone that I say all the time, they took it the wrong way and I apologised. Next day, after I was told what I done, they accepted the apology and I thought it was all OK. Then, he distanced himself, he told me I made a fool of myself in front of his mates and he needs time to think. He always told me he never cared what anyone thought and all but now I'm hanging on the edge. On the way home he said he would probably get over it in few days but he won't return my messages and I miss him so much. How can I work this out with him? I realize my faults and done the best thing to be forgiven but when he said he needs to think about things I'm on rocky edge. I hope you can help me see a bright light at end of all this.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you said that caused so many problems, but maybe it was a blessing in disguised.
You don't really learn all you need to know about other people just when things go right; it's when something goes wrong, and how they deal with it, that gives you a better picture.
If he breaks up with you over this, your perfect guy may not be so perfect after all. You would be remiss to miss such an individual. But this process is a two way street. Maybe this event gave him a further peek into the kind of person you are and he's seeing red flags. If so, well, that's what dating is all about.
Sometimes, what starts as a pretty creature turns into a monster. You two are experiencing what dating is all about. How you resolve it will tell you much about whether you are meant for each other or not.
I have been with a guy for little more than a month, he is everything I have ever asked for, we get along so well, and it was love at first sight, every time we speak either on phone, through text or face to face we tell each other how much in love we are. Recently, I met some of his mates at a party, I knew no one and was nervous. I drank, which I don't take too well and I said something to someone that I say all the time, they took it the wrong way and I apologised. Next day, after I was told what I done, they accepted the apology and I thought it was all OK. Then, he distanced himself, he told me I made a fool of myself in front of his mates and he needs time to think. He always told me he never cared what anyone thought and all but now I'm hanging on the edge. On the way home he said he would probably get over it in few days but he won't return my messages and I miss him so much. How can I work this out with him? I realize my faults and done the best thing to be forgiven but when he said he needs to think about things I'm on rocky edge. I hope you can help me see a bright light at end of all this.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you said that caused so many problems, but maybe it was a blessing in disguised.
You don't really learn all you need to know about other people just when things go right; it's when something goes wrong, and how they deal with it, that gives you a better picture.
If he breaks up with you over this, your perfect guy may not be so perfect after all. You would be remiss to miss such an individual. But this process is a two way street. Maybe this event gave him a further peek into the kind of person you are and he's seeing red flags. If so, well, that's what dating is all about.
Sometimes, what starts as a pretty creature turns into a monster. You two are experiencing what dating is all about. How you resolve it will tell you much about whether you are meant for each other or not.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
She doesn't want him hugging this other girl
anonymously, asks:
Is it wrong to ask your fiance to not hug a girl who has somewhat flirted/played around (jokingly , supposedly) with each other? Or am I in the wrong? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You are not wrong. You should be open and direct about your feelings. Don't accuse him of any wrong doing. Tell him you don't like it when they hug and that you'd appreciate it if he considered your feelings in this matter. If he comes back with "but she means nothing, it's just friendship" do not be tempted into bringing up accusations. Just repeat: "I'm just asking you to please consider my feelings in this matter." If he doesn't consider your feelings... well, you have a glimpse into what kind of man he is.
Is it wrong to ask your fiance to not hug a girl who has somewhat flirted/played around (jokingly , supposedly) with each other? Or am I in the wrong? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You are not wrong. You should be open and direct about your feelings. Don't accuse him of any wrong doing. Tell him you don't like it when they hug and that you'd appreciate it if he considered your feelings in this matter. If he comes back with "but she means nothing, it's just friendship" do not be tempted into bringing up accusations. Just repeat: "I'm just asking you to please consider my feelings in this matter." If he doesn't consider your feelings... well, you have a glimpse into what kind of man he is.
He wanted her to dance with this nerdy guy
Regina, 15, from London, asks:
There is this guy I like. We had a dance on Saturday and I entered and he was hanging out with me and some of my friends. He then put his arms out. I was confused he meant a hug so I hug him. Then he does the same after to my best girl friend. He comes up to me at the dance and starts talking to me. He then ask me if I want to dance and it's a slow song. So I dance with him. He then later grabs my hand and wants me to dance with this neirdy guy. Then at school today my friend asked him if he liked me and he said just as friends. My friend said there is a big possibility he likes me. She said some guys don't say they like the girl until they know they like them. Should I tell him tomorrow that I like him? What do I do to step forward? If a couple of your friends ask him if he like you and he says I like her as friend, something like that, is he just saying that because he doesn't want anyone to hear? please help..... Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Your friend his wrong. This guy told you he likes you as a friend -- take his word for it. His behavior at the dance makes that very clear.
But not all is lost. Stay his friend. Things can change. Don't give up. But whatever you do, do NOT tell him that you like him.
There is this guy I like. We had a dance on Saturday and I entered and he was hanging out with me and some of my friends. He then put his arms out. I was confused he meant a hug so I hug him. Then he does the same after to my best girl friend. He comes up to me at the dance and starts talking to me. He then ask me if I want to dance and it's a slow song. So I dance with him. He then later grabs my hand and wants me to dance with this neirdy guy. Then at school today my friend asked him if he liked me and he said just as friends. My friend said there is a big possibility he likes me. She said some guys don't say they like the girl until they know they like them. Should I tell him tomorrow that I like him? What do I do to step forward? If a couple of your friends ask him if he like you and he says I like her as friend, something like that, is he just saying that because he doesn't want anyone to hear? please help..... Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Your friend his wrong. This guy told you he likes you as a friend -- take his word for it. His behavior at the dance makes that very clear.
But not all is lost. Stay his friend. Things can change. Don't give up. But whatever you do, do NOT tell him that you like him.
She doesn't want to gossip
ExtremelyConfused, 19, from NY, asks:
I like this guy at work. I won't be staying there long so the fact that he's a coworker isn't an issue. First, he's 27 and I'm 19. I met him about two months ago. We flirt all the time, touch, and etc. He has jokingly asked me out a few time to which I replied positively, but he continues to elude me. He's also very outgoing and friendly so he can't be shy right? He's also flirty, but he never touches other woman. He only touches me. And I blush easily, so he tries to get my to blush all the time. I can't definitely tell if he likes me, or if he's taking his time. He hasn't even asked for my number yet. Is it a good idea if I just slip him my number? I try to act professional at work because I don't want the gossip.
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance he won't do anything until after he leaves the job. When he does, it would be a good time to give him your phone number and email address, ask for his, and tell him to keep in touch. This is a common practice with coworkers who are leaving, removing further risks of gossip. But once he's not longer working with you, there should be no further excuses (I really don't think your age difference is an issue, but it could be).
I like this guy at work. I won't be staying there long so the fact that he's a coworker isn't an issue. First, he's 27 and I'm 19. I met him about two months ago. We flirt all the time, touch, and etc. He has jokingly asked me out a few time to which I replied positively, but he continues to elude me. He's also very outgoing and friendly so he can't be shy right? He's also flirty, but he never touches other woman. He only touches me. And I blush easily, so he tries to get my to blush all the time. I can't definitely tell if he likes me, or if he's taking his time. He hasn't even asked for my number yet. Is it a good idea if I just slip him my number? I try to act professional at work because I don't want the gossip.
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance he won't do anything until after he leaves the job. When he does, it would be a good time to give him your phone number and email address, ask for his, and tell him to keep in touch. This is a common practice with coworkers who are leaving, removing further risks of gossip. But once he's not longer working with you, there should be no further excuses (I really don't think your age difference is an issue, but it could be).
She has heard nada from him
Kate, 18, from USA, asks:
Hi Victor! You make me laugh !
Okay, here is the dilemma in a nut:
My guy friend has liked me for a long time. We hung out last weekend and had a really good time (a lot of smiling, laughing, joking, and flirting as usual). He is a shy guy, and I felt he was flirting with me more than usual (his body language = body facing me, body leaning closer to me, open crotch, a lot more innocent touching than usual). It has been a week, and I have heard nada from him. So, I casually instant messaged him asking him about his new vid. game and NO RESPONSE. What the? Very odd considering we talk practically everyday (he even acts sad when we have gone a few days without talking), So, what gives this time?
Thank you for your input!
VictorM's advice:
Are you sure he didn't go on vacation? Lost his phone? Got chewed to pieces by some bear? Is stuck in his toilet seat? Ran away with his physical education teacher? I don't know, seems like a week is not much time at all. But I'm going to assume you know he's fine, just not answering you.
I just used this paragraph on another answer, but it fits here: Looks like he's playing the "I'm not paying any attention to her so that I get her attention" game. Guys are notorious for doing that. The truth is that it works most of the time.
Hi Victor! You make me laugh !
Okay, here is the dilemma in a nut:
My guy friend has liked me for a long time. We hung out last weekend and had a really good time (a lot of smiling, laughing, joking, and flirting as usual). He is a shy guy, and I felt he was flirting with me more than usual (his body language = body facing me, body leaning closer to me, open crotch, a lot more innocent touching than usual). It has been a week, and I have heard nada from him. So, I casually instant messaged him asking him about his new vid. game and NO RESPONSE. What the? Very odd considering we talk practically everyday (he even acts sad when we have gone a few days without talking), So, what gives this time?
Thank you for your input!
VictorM's advice:
Are you sure he didn't go on vacation? Lost his phone? Got chewed to pieces by some bear? Is stuck in his toilet seat? Ran away with his physical education teacher? I don't know, seems like a week is not much time at all. But I'm going to assume you know he's fine, just not answering you.
I just used this paragraph on another answer, but it fits here: Looks like he's playing the "I'm not paying any attention to her so that I get her attention" game. Guys are notorious for doing that. The truth is that it works most of the time.
She's had plenty of dates and flings
Jillian, 17, from NY, asks:
I've been hearing a lot of things lately on how relationships now are nothing like what they were 100 years ago. 100 years ago people got married and then had sex, or had a relationship first and then came the sex. Today, I've realized that most of my friends including the married ones, have been having casual sex and simple dates with their partners (who weren't their partners at the time) and then it grew into a relationship.
I've had plenty of dates and plenty of flings, but never a real stable boyfriend. So I was wondering... does sex grow into a relationship? Or do you have to build a relationship with trust and then sex?
VictorM's advice:
It can succeed or fail either way, but I'd venture to say that relationship first followed by sex probably yields better results in younger age groups (in my age group, sex first, baby). ;)
But this has nothing to do with 100 years ago when most marriages were either arranged or marriages of convenience, not love. Back then, the role of women in society (mostly homemakers) and the hardships in traveling (limited number of people to meet), made the requirements of mates much different than today.
I've been hearing a lot of things lately on how relationships now are nothing like what they were 100 years ago. 100 years ago people got married and then had sex, or had a relationship first and then came the sex. Today, I've realized that most of my friends including the married ones, have been having casual sex and simple dates with their partners (who weren't their partners at the time) and then it grew into a relationship.
I've had plenty of dates and plenty of flings, but never a real stable boyfriend. So I was wondering... does sex grow into a relationship? Or do you have to build a relationship with trust and then sex?
VictorM's advice:
It can succeed or fail either way, but I'd venture to say that relationship first followed by sex probably yields better results in younger age groups (in my age group, sex first, baby). ;)
But this has nothing to do with 100 years ago when most marriages were either arranged or marriages of convenience, not love. Back then, the role of women in society (mostly homemakers) and the hardships in traveling (limited number of people to meet), made the requirements of mates much different than today.
This sounds stupid and way too fast
Andrea White, 18, from Chicago, IL, asks:
I just recently started dating a guy and we are currently living together. I know that sounds stupid and way too fast, but we were just friends when we moved in together. I recently found texts on his phone that he sent to another girl. They are so vulgar I want to puke. Not on her part only on his. The weird thing is he doesn't seem like this at all. I couldn't even get him to kiss me for almost 6 months after we have met. He is pretty shy and very sweet and loving. Please give me any advice, I am desperate!!!
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that you're missing text messages that indicate she either initiated, or at least is encouraging, that kind of talk.
Lots of guys tend to adapt to the characteristics of the person they are dealing with. They behave much like the other person does. It's a way of fitting in with them. With loud friends, they become loud; with friends who used foul language they curse, etc. Based on your description of him, my guess is that he was trying to fit in with her.
There is another possibility: you're just too sensitive to language or concepts. I know it's only an expression, but wanting to puke, even if only in a literal sense, shows quite a bit of over sensibility. But without knowing the exact language and the context of that language, I don't know. I'm just including this option for your consideration.
I just recently started dating a guy and we are currently living together. I know that sounds stupid and way too fast, but we were just friends when we moved in together. I recently found texts on his phone that he sent to another girl. They are so vulgar I want to puke. Not on her part only on his. The weird thing is he doesn't seem like this at all. I couldn't even get him to kiss me for almost 6 months after we have met. He is pretty shy and very sweet and loving. Please give me any advice, I am desperate!!!
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that you're missing text messages that indicate she either initiated, or at least is encouraging, that kind of talk.
Lots of guys tend to adapt to the characteristics of the person they are dealing with. They behave much like the other person does. It's a way of fitting in with them. With loud friends, they become loud; with friends who used foul language they curse, etc. Based on your description of him, my guess is that he was trying to fit in with her.
There is another possibility: you're just too sensitive to language or concepts. I know it's only an expression, but wanting to puke, even if only in a literal sense, shows quite a bit of over sensibility. But without knowing the exact language and the context of that language, I don't know. I'm just including this option for your consideration.
Is she overanalyzing this?
Kathryn, 18, from Dallas, asks:
I like this guy. But I can't tell if he likes me. I've never thought of myself as a very attractive girl, and he is one of the hottest guys I've ever met. We were in a musical together. He came to me to ask me for my help in getting him set up with this other girl. (This was before I liked him). I tried to help him out, but since she was 26 and he was 20, things haven't really worked out. But he's always hugging me, and telling me that he loves me. I'm assuming he means as friends but I don't know. On one of the performance nights he gave me a rose and told me that I was beautiful. After I complimented him on myspace, he commented back telling me that I am a beautiful wonderful girl and that everthing I touch seems to turn to light. As the end of the musical drew near, he kept hugging me and saying that he was going to miss me so much etc. And the words I love you popped up a lot too...I'm so confused, cause he still talks about that other girl and how beautiful she is, but he keeps saying that he doesn't have a chance. And now he's treating me like this, and I'm really confused...So my question is, what do you think? Does he like me or am I over analyzing this?
VictorM's advice:
You're a girl; of course you're over analyzing it! :-p
Anyone can honestly have the best impressions of you, think you're beautiful, feel like everything you touch turns to gold, and sincerely say they are going to miss you, without romantic feelings being involved. Heck, everything he told you, you could hear from your dad or your mom.
He could have romantic feelings for you, but he probably doesn't if he's still talking about the other girl. But hey, who knows, things change. Sometimes that which we seek is right under our noses and it takes a while to see it. He already thinks you're a beautiful and an excellent person . That's a great beginning for possible romance. But for now, it just seems like he's the friendly and overtly complimentary guy that most theater people seem to be.
I like this guy. But I can't tell if he likes me. I've never thought of myself as a very attractive girl, and he is one of the hottest guys I've ever met. We were in a musical together. He came to me to ask me for my help in getting him set up with this other girl. (This was before I liked him). I tried to help him out, but since she was 26 and he was 20, things haven't really worked out. But he's always hugging me, and telling me that he loves me. I'm assuming he means as friends but I don't know. On one of the performance nights he gave me a rose and told me that I was beautiful. After I complimented him on myspace, he commented back telling me that I am a beautiful wonderful girl and that everthing I touch seems to turn to light. As the end of the musical drew near, he kept hugging me and saying that he was going to miss me so much etc. And the words I love you popped up a lot too...I'm so confused, cause he still talks about that other girl and how beautiful she is, but he keeps saying that he doesn't have a chance. And now he's treating me like this, and I'm really confused...So my question is, what do you think? Does he like me or am I over analyzing this?
VictorM's advice:
You're a girl; of course you're over analyzing it! :-p
Anyone can honestly have the best impressions of you, think you're beautiful, feel like everything you touch turns to gold, and sincerely say they are going to miss you, without romantic feelings being involved. Heck, everything he told you, you could hear from your dad or your mom.
He could have romantic feelings for you, but he probably doesn't if he's still talking about the other girl. But hey, who knows, things change. Sometimes that which we seek is right under our noses and it takes a while to see it. He already thinks you're a beautiful and an excellent person . That's a great beginning for possible romance. But for now, it just seems like he's the friendly and overtly complimentary guy that most theater people seem to be.
He's nice and polite but 6 years older
Helen, 18, from NYC, asks:
So I've been dating this guy for a week now. We have had two dates so far and he really is nice and polite but he's 6 years older than me, which is no problem at least to me and the thing is that I've never really had a relationship before and I don't know what to expect with this guy in terms of how things are supposed to progress. I mean, I have tons of fun with him but because of my lack of experience with relationships I don't necessarily know what to do or what is the "norm" in dating..ahhh..and we have a third date coming up this Tuesday..please help me on this any advice, tips on dating/relationships and what I'm supposed to do on my end. I'm sorry if I'm driving you crazy, it's just I don't want to mess up!! thanx soo much !!
VictorM's advice:
Helen, you're making a mountain out of nothing.
You have fun together. That's all he's looking for at this time. Third date... he wants to just have fun again. Period.
If he didn't like you after the second date you wouldn't be going out on the third. Whatever you're doing, you're doing fine. Maybe instead of asking for advice you should be giving it. :)
And the date is tonight... let us know how it went.
So I've been dating this guy for a week now. We have had two dates so far and he really is nice and polite but he's 6 years older than me, which is no problem at least to me and the thing is that I've never really had a relationship before and I don't know what to expect with this guy in terms of how things are supposed to progress. I mean, I have tons of fun with him but because of my lack of experience with relationships I don't necessarily know what to do or what is the "norm" in dating..ahhh..and we have a third date coming up this Tuesday..please help me on this any advice, tips on dating/relationships and what I'm supposed to do on my end. I'm sorry if I'm driving you crazy, it's just I don't want to mess up!! thanx soo much !!
VictorM's advice:
Helen, you're making a mountain out of nothing.
You have fun together. That's all he's looking for at this time. Third date... he wants to just have fun again. Period.
If he didn't like you after the second date you wouldn't be going out on the third. Whatever you're doing, you're doing fine. Maybe instead of asking for advice you should be giving it. :)
And the date is tonight... let us know how it went.
She is a keeper
Natalie, 19, from Houston, asks:
So I'm dating this guy for a week and things are going great. He expressed his feelings to me and told me "I was a keeper" and a really cool girl, and stuff like that. And he also made it clear by telling his friends we were dating and stuff. Then two nights ago, I was waiting for him to call cause he was supposed to come over. Not only did he not call, but he literally never called me back. It's been 2 days, and I haven't heard a word from him. First, I was worried, but now I know he's ok and is just simply ignoring me. I've called him repeatedly SO many times he probably thinks I'm psycho. Left voicemails, texts, everything. I am so lost as to what is going on and I think I deserve some sort of response and explanation from him. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
So, what really happened? The typical and oh so common overreaction by the guy when he met you, followed by the realization, seemingly out of the blue, that you aren't what he was looking for. So faced with the prospect of calling you and saying so, or just caving in to his cowardly nature, he caved.
I know, you want to hear it from his lips exactly why he changed. You want it in specific detail. You want to tell him he's wrong and that it's his loss, and blah blah blah... but frankly, he doesn't have the answers for you. He woke up one morning and the prospect of seeing you just didn't seem appealing anymore. Why? He's damned if he knows. He can't put his finger on it. It just happened. He has no explanations for you. It's nothing you did wrong. Mother Nature just let him know that you weren't a good fit for him and so he cut and ran.
Sure, it would be nice to get an explanation, to get closure, if he weren't such a coward. But he is. Deal with it. Wanting someone to behave contrary to the kind of person they are is well...I'll use your word, psycho! What makes you better than him for behaving like you are? He's behaving like a coward, you're behaving like a woman who gives him good reason to be one.
So I'm dating this guy for a week and things are going great. He expressed his feelings to me and told me "I was a keeper" and a really cool girl, and stuff like that. And he also made it clear by telling his friends we were dating and stuff. Then two nights ago, I was waiting for him to call cause he was supposed to come over. Not only did he not call, but he literally never called me back. It's been 2 days, and I haven't heard a word from him. First, I was worried, but now I know he's ok and is just simply ignoring me. I've called him repeatedly SO many times he probably thinks I'm psycho. Left voicemails, texts, everything. I am so lost as to what is going on and I think I deserve some sort of response and explanation from him. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
So, what really happened? The typical and oh so common overreaction by the guy when he met you, followed by the realization, seemingly out of the blue, that you aren't what he was looking for. So faced with the prospect of calling you and saying so, or just caving in to his cowardly nature, he caved.
I know, you want to hear it from his lips exactly why he changed. You want it in specific detail. You want to tell him he's wrong and that it's his loss, and blah blah blah... but frankly, he doesn't have the answers for you. He woke up one morning and the prospect of seeing you just didn't seem appealing anymore. Why? He's damned if he knows. He can't put his finger on it. It just happened. He has no explanations for you. It's nothing you did wrong. Mother Nature just let him know that you weren't a good fit for him and so he cut and ran.
Sure, it would be nice to get an explanation, to get closure, if he weren't such a coward. But he is. Deal with it. Wanting someone to behave contrary to the kind of person they are is well...I'll use your word, psycho! What makes you better than him for behaving like you are? He's behaving like a coward, you're behaving like a woman who gives him good reason to be one.
They call each other "baby"
Jelly, 16, from hawaii, asks:
My exboyfriend and I went out for about 7 months. Then he had to move to California. It's been about 3 months since he moved away. I really feel as if he loves and cares about me still. I really love and care about him too. He was a really great guy. He still calls me as much as he can. Even though we are broken up we still act like we're both together. We call each other "baby". We tell each other how much we miss each other. He's even coming to visit soon.
I'm just feeling insecure. I have a problem with how he jokes around way too much about other girls. He says that he's seeing other people or he tells me how attractive he thinks other girls are and then he tells me he's just joking and he says I'm overreacting when I get mad. It was alright in the beginning but now I think he's over doing it. I also think he's not being fair sometimes. He gets mad at me for talking to other guys over the internet and for getting close to some of my guy friends.
There's this feeling in me. I think he's hiding things from me. We talked a few days ago and I asked him if he ever hid something from me just so I wouldn't get upset or mad at him and he told me that he let another girl wear his jacket. He also said that he flirts with other girls. I'm just really confused. HELP! pleasE?!
VictorM's advice:
You two are acting like immature twits. You both are either bothered too easily by the actions of the other and/or you thrive in saying things that will piss off the other. Some people are gluttons for emotional punishment. You fit the bill.
Stop talking to him or get used to being poked with information you don't want to hear. You're not helping yourself with these phone calls. And on top of it, he's coming to visit. Oh, great *rolls eyes*.
What are you trying to accomplish by keeping in touch with this boy? Nothing good is going to come of this. Exes are evil to each other (and that means you too) and that's exactly what's happening with you two. You ask him silly questions, he tells you stupid things, you talk about other guys, and you wind-up claiming to be really confused.
Like I said, you're acting like two immature twits.
My exboyfriend and I went out for about 7 months. Then he had to move to California. It's been about 3 months since he moved away. I really feel as if he loves and cares about me still. I really love and care about him too. He was a really great guy. He still calls me as much as he can. Even though we are broken up we still act like we're both together. We call each other "baby". We tell each other how much we miss each other. He's even coming to visit soon.
I'm just feeling insecure. I have a problem with how he jokes around way too much about other girls. He says that he's seeing other people or he tells me how attractive he thinks other girls are and then he tells me he's just joking and he says I'm overreacting when I get mad. It was alright in the beginning but now I think he's over doing it. I also think he's not being fair sometimes. He gets mad at me for talking to other guys over the internet and for getting close to some of my guy friends.
There's this feeling in me. I think he's hiding things from me. We talked a few days ago and I asked him if he ever hid something from me just so I wouldn't get upset or mad at him and he told me that he let another girl wear his jacket. He also said that he flirts with other girls. I'm just really confused. HELP! pleasE?!
VictorM's advice:
You two are acting like immature twits. You both are either bothered too easily by the actions of the other and/or you thrive in saying things that will piss off the other. Some people are gluttons for emotional punishment. You fit the bill.
Stop talking to him or get used to being poked with information you don't want to hear. You're not helping yourself with these phone calls. And on top of it, he's coming to visit. Oh, great *rolls eyes*.
What are you trying to accomplish by keeping in touch with this boy? Nothing good is going to come of this. Exes are evil to each other (and that means you too) and that's exactly what's happening with you two. You ask him silly questions, he tells you stupid things, you talk about other guys, and you wind-up claiming to be really confused.
Like I said, you're acting like two immature twits.
He didn't ask for her number
Betty, 28, from USA, asks:
So I am totally confused right now. I met a guy at an event awhile back and we hit it off (he even told someone he wanted to meet a nice girl and was interested in me - cause he is tired of one-night stands). However, he doesn't ask for my number - he is shy but not sure if that factors in here. So I get his number from a friend and call him and ask him if he and his friends want to come to a party, cause I think this would be a good ice breaker. He says he'll come but never comes and I don't hear from him. Then fast forward to recently. I hear from a friend that he thinks he messed things up with me. Then...one night...we are at the same bar...he comes over to where I am dancing...stands there watching us for like 10-15 minutes until my friends peel off and then he comes over gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek, asks me how I am doing and then says he just wanted to say hello - then leaves. And that's it. I know this all sounds insignificant ....but does it mean anything. What is he thinking and what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure any of it means anything more than you're just a girl.
So you met at a party and got along well, so what? It's not unusual to get along with people you meet at parties without it meaning you want to date them. Maybe he's not as tired of one-night stands as you think he is. Maybe you didn't turned out to be the "nice girl" he expected (you getting his phone number, calling him to party, dancing at a bar... not exactly girl-next-door image), or maybe he's slowly scoping you out and will make a move if he warms up to you... or if he gets a little push.
What should you do? Give him a little push. You have his phone number, right? Why not invite him somewhere WITHOUT his friends. Just you and him.
So I am totally confused right now. I met a guy at an event awhile back and we hit it off (he even told someone he wanted to meet a nice girl and was interested in me - cause he is tired of one-night stands). However, he doesn't ask for my number - he is shy but not sure if that factors in here. So I get his number from a friend and call him and ask him if he and his friends want to come to a party, cause I think this would be a good ice breaker. He says he'll come but never comes and I don't hear from him. Then fast forward to recently. I hear from a friend that he thinks he messed things up with me. Then...one night...we are at the same bar...he comes over to where I am dancing...stands there watching us for like 10-15 minutes until my friends peel off and then he comes over gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek, asks me how I am doing and then says he just wanted to say hello - then leaves. And that's it. I know this all sounds insignificant ....but does it mean anything. What is he thinking and what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure any of it means anything more than you're just a girl.
So you met at a party and got along well, so what? It's not unusual to get along with people you meet at parties without it meaning you want to date them. Maybe he's not as tired of one-night stands as you think he is. Maybe you didn't turned out to be the "nice girl" he expected (you getting his phone number, calling him to party, dancing at a bar... not exactly girl-next-door image), or maybe he's slowly scoping you out and will make a move if he warms up to you... or if he gets a little push.
What should you do? Give him a little push. You have his phone number, right? Why not invite him somewhere WITHOUT his friends. Just you and him.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Her guy is obsessed with porn
michelle, 27, from florida, asks:
Are all guys obsessed with porn? When I met my boyfriend of 3 years he had a stock pile of porn, he said he only used them because he was single. After a year we moved in I found out that he still watched them when I was at work. I spoke to him and he admitted to watching it but denied masturbating. Every time he is on the computer he will download clips and visit porn sites. He has even subscribe to dating sites. He knows it bothers me does it when I am not around but I would not feel so bad if invites me to watch it with him. We didn't have a fight but last week he slept in the sofa, he said he felt like it and one night I caught him watching porn after he thought I was sleeping. I asked him why he didn't invite me and he said: "you know you don't like these things." I feel hurt by it a whole lot especially when he takes photos of strangers and co-workers ass (we work at the same place). I think he doesn't respect or isn't attracted to me any more. He is going away for a year and wants me and the kids to go visit him but am wondering if I should just end the relationship when he leaves? HELP
VictorM's advice:
No, not all guys are obsessed with porn. In fact, few are. Sure, a lot more guys than those willing to admit it watch porn, but your guy is way too much. And taking pictures of coworkers' asses? This guy is definitely over the top.
Yeah, break it off. Your kids could use a better father-figure and you could use a guy who has some sexual balance in his life, not to mention respect for other people, and above all, for you.
Are all guys obsessed with porn? When I met my boyfriend of 3 years he had a stock pile of porn, he said he only used them because he was single. After a year we moved in I found out that he still watched them when I was at work. I spoke to him and he admitted to watching it but denied masturbating. Every time he is on the computer he will download clips and visit porn sites. He has even subscribe to dating sites. He knows it bothers me does it when I am not around but I would not feel so bad if invites me to watch it with him. We didn't have a fight but last week he slept in the sofa, he said he felt like it and one night I caught him watching porn after he thought I was sleeping. I asked him why he didn't invite me and he said: "you know you don't like these things." I feel hurt by it a whole lot especially when he takes photos of strangers and co-workers ass (we work at the same place). I think he doesn't respect or isn't attracted to me any more. He is going away for a year and wants me and the kids to go visit him but am wondering if I should just end the relationship when he leaves? HELP
VictorM's advice:
No, not all guys are obsessed with porn. In fact, few are. Sure, a lot more guys than those willing to admit it watch porn, but your guy is way too much. And taking pictures of coworkers' asses? This guy is definitely over the top.
Yeah, break it off. Your kids could use a better father-figure and you could use a guy who has some sexual balance in his life, not to mention respect for other people, and above all, for you.
Lily is back with another problem
Lily, 18, from Arizona, asks:
Hello again! Miss goody-two-shoes is back, but with another problem. Your advice worked! Thank you so much! And now I have a some-what solid relationship with a great guy. But... I'm nervous. I'm a virgin who hasn't even had a first kiss, and he's experienced. I was strict about my no sex until marriage policy, and also told him that I was unsure about kissing for the first time. He said that maybe I should just kiss to see what it's like, but I get too nervous and back out at the last second! I'm not sure how I can comfortable to let him kiss me, do you have any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, my advice worked? Yay! :) (You're welcome. I'm happy for you).
By the mere fact that you're a girl, the odds are that you're already a better kisser than most guys, no matter how experienced they are.
Take baby steps. Can you kiss his cheek? You know, just pucker up your lips and touch his cheek with them? Then, can you do the some thing but this time touch his lips with yours? Congratulations! That's a kiss! Then, do the same thing but hold the touching of lips for a couple of seconds. It really is that easy. But if you still can't do it, and since you've been open about it with your boyfriend, just close your eyes, pucker up your lips and tell him to kiss you. All you have to do is sit there. Come on, you can at least do that, can't you?
You like the boy. You trust him enough to have been honest and direct with your sexual inexperience. The least you can do now is trust him enough to let him kiss you.
One word of caution: when you get hot and heavy into kissing -- and you will -- good luck with the "no sex until married" stance. :)
Hello again! Miss goody-two-shoes is back, but with another problem. Your advice worked! Thank you so much! And now I have a some-what solid relationship with a great guy. But... I'm nervous. I'm a virgin who hasn't even had a first kiss, and he's experienced. I was strict about my no sex until marriage policy, and also told him that I was unsure about kissing for the first time. He said that maybe I should just kiss to see what it's like, but I get too nervous and back out at the last second! I'm not sure how I can comfortable to let him kiss me, do you have any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, my advice worked? Yay! :) (You're welcome. I'm happy for you).
By the mere fact that you're a girl, the odds are that you're already a better kisser than most guys, no matter how experienced they are.
Take baby steps. Can you kiss his cheek? You know, just pucker up your lips and touch his cheek with them? Then, can you do the some thing but this time touch his lips with yours? Congratulations! That's a kiss! Then, do the same thing but hold the touching of lips for a couple of seconds. It really is that easy. But if you still can't do it, and since you've been open about it with your boyfriend, just close your eyes, pucker up your lips and tell him to kiss you. All you have to do is sit there. Come on, you can at least do that, can't you?
You like the boy. You trust him enough to have been honest and direct with your sexual inexperience. The least you can do now is trust him enough to let him kiss you.
One word of caution: when you get hot and heavy into kissing -- and you will -- good luck with the "no sex until married" stance. :)
Coworker loves being with her
trina, 37, from brisbane, australia, asks:
I have recently made friends with a guy that I work with. However I am in a relationship currently. The work guy comes to my house and spends lots of time with me and I try to act in front of my boyfriend that we are only friends but really we have admitted feelings for each other. He has said that he is leaving town but now he is not sure as he has met me. The thing is he says that he wants us to be friends, but he holds my hand and touches me when he can. And then says things like - that he doesn't have that connection with me to be in a relationship with me. But he loves being with me and spending time with me. And the way he looks at me tells me different. I would love to be with him but I am not going to break up with my current boyfriend if he doesn't want me. Please help, I am so confused.
VictorM's advice:
Your coworker's attraction for you is enhanced by the fact that you're tied up. He was clear about that by telling you that he doesn't feel connect enough with you for a relationship but you're refusing to accept it and instead are seeing things in his look. Break up with your boyfriend and your coworker will look like a kangaroo on crack hopping away from you. This doesn't mean he doesn't like you; he just doesn't see himself in a relationship with you.
Call it karma. He's doing to you what you're doing to your boyfriend: you two are spending time with another until someone who's a better fit comes along. Well, with one exception -- unlike you with your boyfriend, your coworker is being honest with you.
Unless your boyfriend is an idiot, you're going to wind-up with neither.
I have recently made friends with a guy that I work with. However I am in a relationship currently. The work guy comes to my house and spends lots of time with me and I try to act in front of my boyfriend that we are only friends but really we have admitted feelings for each other. He has said that he is leaving town but now he is not sure as he has met me. The thing is he says that he wants us to be friends, but he holds my hand and touches me when he can. And then says things like - that he doesn't have that connection with me to be in a relationship with me. But he loves being with me and spending time with me. And the way he looks at me tells me different. I would love to be with him but I am not going to break up with my current boyfriend if he doesn't want me. Please help, I am so confused.
VictorM's advice:
Your coworker's attraction for you is enhanced by the fact that you're tied up. He was clear about that by telling you that he doesn't feel connect enough with you for a relationship but you're refusing to accept it and instead are seeing things in his look. Break up with your boyfriend and your coworker will look like a kangaroo on crack hopping away from you. This doesn't mean he doesn't like you; he just doesn't see himself in a relationship with you.
Call it karma. He's doing to you what you're doing to your boyfriend: you two are spending time with another until someone who's a better fit comes along. Well, with one exception -- unlike you with your boyfriend, your coworker is being honest with you.
Unless your boyfriend is an idiot, you're going to wind-up with neither.
At first it was sex, now she wants more
Nikki, 28, from Oregon, asks:
I've been seeing this guy for about 4 months but he only comes over about twice a week. At first it was just "a sex thing" but over time I have fallen HARD for him! Not to mention the sex has gotten amazing! I would love more than anything to get into a relationship with him but it's hard for me to tell how or what he's feeling... He's not one to talk about that kind of thing. What's the best way to approach the subject without sounding too pushy?
VictorM's advice:
Start expressing your feelings to him without demanding that he reciprocate. You'll either scare him away or he's bound to let you know how he feels. You need to let him know that you're into him more than just sexually.
This should only be a problem for you if you're OK with being just a sex partner. Four months is long enough to know where you both stand and what you both want from the each other.
I've been seeing this guy for about 4 months but he only comes over about twice a week. At first it was just "a sex thing" but over time I have fallen HARD for him! Not to mention the sex has gotten amazing! I would love more than anything to get into a relationship with him but it's hard for me to tell how or what he's feeling... He's not one to talk about that kind of thing. What's the best way to approach the subject without sounding too pushy?
VictorM's advice:
Start expressing your feelings to him without demanding that he reciprocate. You'll either scare him away or he's bound to let you know how he feels. You need to let him know that you're into him more than just sexually.
This should only be a problem for you if you're OK with being just a sex partner. Four months is long enough to know where you both stand and what you both want from the each other.
What does "needing space" mean?
Amanda, 31, from Australia, asks:
I've been dating an awesome guy for like 3.5 months. I'm a single mother of 2 boys. Things were going great but then one night he said he needed to 'step back' a bit. That at the end of the year he didn't want us to move in together. I was fine and relieved. Things went back to normal. A week later, after I had thrown a tantrum after he had gone out, he said the next morning he needed 'space'. What the hell does that mean? He doesn't answer my calls (which I've given up on after about 7 calls), or anything. Before all this, as he used to go away often, he would phone me, email me etc. I'm really confused and just want to know what's going on. I am looking after some of his animals while he's away, so he has to face me. Before he left he said he loved me (if that makes any difference). I just feel as though I may have been too clingy and emotional for him and want some advice on how to be when he gets back to pick up his animals. Thanks heaps!!
VictorM's advice:
Needing space is another way of saying "I need to get away from you". Needing space includes not getting phone calls, much less seven of them (phone calls invade "space").
Also, generally speaking, throwing a tantrum is not a good way to endear one to you, to make him want to come back from "space".
After a few days away he may come back ready to resume the relationship. He may just pick up his animals and not want to hear from you. He may send someone else to get them. Or he might be mature enough to discuss with you where he is at in relation to you. If this happens, your best bet is to listen to him and control your temper, if you can.
I've been dating an awesome guy for like 3.5 months. I'm a single mother of 2 boys. Things were going great but then one night he said he needed to 'step back' a bit. That at the end of the year he didn't want us to move in together. I was fine and relieved. Things went back to normal. A week later, after I had thrown a tantrum after he had gone out, he said the next morning he needed 'space'. What the hell does that mean? He doesn't answer my calls (which I've given up on after about 7 calls), or anything. Before all this, as he used to go away often, he would phone me, email me etc. I'm really confused and just want to know what's going on. I am looking after some of his animals while he's away, so he has to face me. Before he left he said he loved me (if that makes any difference). I just feel as though I may have been too clingy and emotional for him and want some advice on how to be when he gets back to pick up his animals. Thanks heaps!!
VictorM's advice:
Needing space is another way of saying "I need to get away from you". Needing space includes not getting phone calls, much less seven of them (phone calls invade "space").
Also, generally speaking, throwing a tantrum is not a good way to endear one to you, to make him want to come back from "space".
After a few days away he may come back ready to resume the relationship. He may just pick up his animals and not want to hear from you. He may send someone else to get them. Or he might be mature enough to discuss with you where he is at in relation to you. If this happens, your best bet is to listen to him and control your temper, if you can.
She's a new single
Isabelle, 29, from Boston, asks:
I'm pretty newly single (after an 8 year relationship) and need some advice with navigating dating again. As part of my breakup recovery I went to visit a friend in another city. We got all dressed up and went out to the bars to boost my ego a bit. I wasn't intending (or hoping) to meet anyone, I just wanted to have a little fun. But I met a guy. He's cute, smart, funny and we totally hit it off. We stayed chatting until the bar closed and then he and his friend walked us home. We talked for another hour outside my friend's place and then he asked for my number and my email and hugged me goodbye. Two days later, he called me and we talked for over an hour. He continued to call me almost every day, although with completely different work schedules, we didn't talk for long. Then, because of a family emergency he had to go out of town for a few days. He called me again the day he got back and we talked for a while. He then went out of town again for family stuff and we didn't talk for over a week. I knew that he was dealing with a horrible situation with his family, so I didn't call, but did send an email saying that I hoped everything was okay. Since he's been back in town, we've talked once. He is definitely calling me less than he did in the first few weeks, but he is also in the midst of a lot of family and work-related chaos. It is difficult because we live in different cities, and we haven't seen each other since that night at the bar. But I really like him. And I thought that he was interested - especially since he kept calling me. But I sent an email several weeks ago asking to get together, and he never replied. And now I'm going to be in his city again next weekend. I'd like to see him, but I'm a little confused by his intentions. Should I tell him I'm going to be in town? How long should I wait? He is in the midst of a huge work project and putting in 80 hr+ weeks... Should I call him soon in the hopes of getting on his 'schedule'? I am completely clueless about how to date anymore after so long. I don't want to come on too strong, but I also would like to see this guy again. Is he calling less because he's lost interest or because he is overwhelmed by work and life right now?
VictorM's advice:
He might have lost interest, yes. Our brains infuse our bodies with all kinds of chemicals when we first meet a woman we find attractive. For a few days we are in haze filled with images of great legs, sexy hair, perky boobs, bubble butts, and the sweet scent of women. We visit, we call, we email, we can't stop thinking of you. Then, oops, we realize you also have brains and a mouth that talks and talks! And then the real test begins. Many times, the haze lifts, reality hits, and we run for the hills leaving you females wondering what the hell happened. If you read my archives, you'll see tons and tons of questions that start like yours.
In your case, we may not be sure exactly where he stands but even if he works 80+ hours a week, he still has a few minutes to make a phone call, particularly during the courtship phase. He ceratinly did early on. It's possible, likely even, that he has seen past your bar look and has lost interest.
Tell him when/where you're going to be and that you'd like to see him. Give him a wide enough range of hours to allow for flexibility. If he can't make it, chances are he has lost interest.
But for future reference, don't get all giddy about the initial reaction of guys. It's common to get an early flurry of attention only to have it disappear. And try not to take it personally when they lose interest. After all, the odds of finding the right person easily are neither in your favor not theirs.
I'm pretty newly single (after an 8 year relationship) and need some advice with navigating dating again. As part of my breakup recovery I went to visit a friend in another city. We got all dressed up and went out to the bars to boost my ego a bit. I wasn't intending (or hoping) to meet anyone, I just wanted to have a little fun. But I met a guy. He's cute, smart, funny and we totally hit it off. We stayed chatting until the bar closed and then he and his friend walked us home. We talked for another hour outside my friend's place and then he asked for my number and my email and hugged me goodbye. Two days later, he called me and we talked for over an hour. He continued to call me almost every day, although with completely different work schedules, we didn't talk for long. Then, because of a family emergency he had to go out of town for a few days. He called me again the day he got back and we talked for a while. He then went out of town again for family stuff and we didn't talk for over a week. I knew that he was dealing with a horrible situation with his family, so I didn't call, but did send an email saying that I hoped everything was okay. Since he's been back in town, we've talked once. He is definitely calling me less than he did in the first few weeks, but he is also in the midst of a lot of family and work-related chaos. It is difficult because we live in different cities, and we haven't seen each other since that night at the bar. But I really like him. And I thought that he was interested - especially since he kept calling me. But I sent an email several weeks ago asking to get together, and he never replied. And now I'm going to be in his city again next weekend. I'd like to see him, but I'm a little confused by his intentions. Should I tell him I'm going to be in town? How long should I wait? He is in the midst of a huge work project and putting in 80 hr+ weeks... Should I call him soon in the hopes of getting on his 'schedule'? I am completely clueless about how to date anymore after so long. I don't want to come on too strong, but I also would like to see this guy again. Is he calling less because he's lost interest or because he is overwhelmed by work and life right now?
VictorM's advice:
He might have lost interest, yes. Our brains infuse our bodies with all kinds of chemicals when we first meet a woman we find attractive. For a few days we are in haze filled with images of great legs, sexy hair, perky boobs, bubble butts, and the sweet scent of women. We visit, we call, we email, we can't stop thinking of you. Then, oops, we realize you also have brains and a mouth that talks and talks! And then the real test begins. Many times, the haze lifts, reality hits, and we run for the hills leaving you females wondering what the hell happened. If you read my archives, you'll see tons and tons of questions that start like yours.
In your case, we may not be sure exactly where he stands but even if he works 80+ hours a week, he still has a few minutes to make a phone call, particularly during the courtship phase. He ceratinly did early on. It's possible, likely even, that he has seen past your bar look and has lost interest.
Tell him when/where you're going to be and that you'd like to see him. Give him a wide enough range of hours to allow for flexibility. If he can't make it, chances are he has lost interest.
But for future reference, don't get all giddy about the initial reaction of guys. It's common to get an early flurry of attention only to have it disappear. And try not to take it personally when they lose interest. After all, the odds of finding the right person easily are neither in your favor not theirs.
He stopped being friendly
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Heya!
Since I last talked you, VictorM, you have become SO busy. I hope you have time to squeeze my question in, but if you don’t, that’s OK too.
Anywho, since my last question, Jack asked another one of my friend’s who I liked, told her he definitely liked me, and he bugged her for a couple days about that. And then, suddenly, he stopped bugging her, and he stopped being friendly with me the way he used to be. Now he just treats me like any other girl. What does this mean? Also, my friend asked him if he might still like me yesterday, and he said “I don’t know” and looked down at his feet. What have I done wrong? I want to go out with him, and I’ve been treating him like a friend because I’ve always been told guys like girls who play hard to get, but that has not worked for me. AND my entire English class is trying to set the two of us up, and suddenly everyone thinks we’re dating. I only found out I “have a boyfriend” yesterday morning, and Jack still doesn’t know. I wish people would just butt out this time, because too many people meddled with my almost-relationship last spring and that didn’t work at all. Please, I just need to know what to do? Should I ask him out?
PS I found out that he was pretty mean to another boy I kind of know when we were all in 6th grade. Should I still be involved with him?
VictorM's advice:
Don't meddle in a dispute between two boys. Stay out of it. They could become best friends tomorrow.
Looks like Jack is playing the "I'm not paying any attention to her so that I get her attention" game. Guys are notorious for doing that. The truth is that it works most of the time.
This is a little phase guys go through to ensure themselves you want them. All you need to do is be a little extra friendly with him. His fragile little ego needs some stroking to be positive you still crave his attention. Give it to him. Next thing you know, you'll be sending me pictures of wedding dresses asking me to help you pick one. :)
Heya!
Since I last talked you, VictorM, you have become SO busy. I hope you have time to squeeze my question in, but if you don’t, that’s OK too.
Anywho, since my last question, Jack asked another one of my friend’s who I liked, told her he definitely liked me, and he bugged her for a couple days about that. And then, suddenly, he stopped bugging her, and he stopped being friendly with me the way he used to be. Now he just treats me like any other girl. What does this mean? Also, my friend asked him if he might still like me yesterday, and he said “I don’t know” and looked down at his feet. What have I done wrong? I want to go out with him, and I’ve been treating him like a friend because I’ve always been told guys like girls who play hard to get, but that has not worked for me. AND my entire English class is trying to set the two of us up, and suddenly everyone thinks we’re dating. I only found out I “have a boyfriend” yesterday morning, and Jack still doesn’t know. I wish people would just butt out this time, because too many people meddled with my almost-relationship last spring and that didn’t work at all. Please, I just need to know what to do? Should I ask him out?
PS I found out that he was pretty mean to another boy I kind of know when we were all in 6th grade. Should I still be involved with him?
VictorM's advice:
Don't meddle in a dispute between two boys. Stay out of it. They could become best friends tomorrow.
Looks like Jack is playing the "I'm not paying any attention to her so that I get her attention" game. Guys are notorious for doing that. The truth is that it works most of the time.
This is a little phase guys go through to ensure themselves you want them. All you need to do is be a little extra friendly with him. His fragile little ego needs some stroking to be positive you still crave his attention. Give it to him. Next thing you know, you'll be sending me pictures of wedding dresses asking me to help you pick one. :)
She stayed calm but he got mad anyway
Erin, 21, from PA, asks:
Hi again..
Alright, so I tried to have a conversation with my boyfriend seeing if I have done anything wrong. He said "no, why?" and started letting him know how I was feeling because he has been so up and down with me. I told him I was there for him since he has been so stressed with school and work. Also the times when we have had little arguments have added up to last week when I got upset about something. He told that he feels rushed too much to do things and feels it's not fair to me for the time we don't have together right now or him, and sometimes he just doesn't want to deal with anyone. So now we are on a break, so we can both focus on ourselves. The whole time we talked I stayed calm and positive so he wouldn't get mad or upset. But he got mad and upset anyway! He doesn't open up, which is not a surprise, but now he wouldnt talk to me and now we are here. It's crazy cause in a few months we were suppose to get a place for when we transfer. He still gets excited about moving in, he always made sure I had the meetings set and all of that. And now we are on a break. How long do breaks really last for anyway, and what do they really entail? And why would he be all about moving in and stuff, just what is going on in his mind? Next week me and his parents and my mother are going up to the school to look at apartments. That is hard. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Girls generally deal with issues bothering them by talking, talking, talking, and oh my god, more talking. Guys, as your boyfriend said, sometimes just don't want to deal with anyone. We sulk, we ponder, we mumble to ourselves, we take a break from an issue, and then, like magic, we're fine again.
Based on your last submissions, you're a problem solver in search of a problem. If he's not saying the right amount of "i love you", you have an issue worth talking, and talking, and talking about. And the more calmly and positive you stay about it, the more infuriating it becomes to the guy who doesn't want to talk about it. Seriously, I can imagine his blood boiling while you yapped away in all your annoying calmness.
Erin, there are many things that guys and girls deal with differently, and this is one of them. I understand your need to talk about it but I also understand his need not to talk about it. It's not that he doesn't understand there are issues; it's that he deals with them differently than you.
Your boyfriend has a lot on his mind. He has lots of pressures with school. You want to help. You "told him I was there for him". I have news for you: DON'T BE THERE FOR HIM. He doesn't need your help. He just needs you to back off, to stay away, to let him solve his problems, and for you to understand that and stop noticing every little change in his behavior pointing to it as a sign of "an issue". I know you mean well but you sound like his mom. Guys are problem solvers and guys don't have the need to be babied and pampered. You are causing problems that have no need to exist.
Give him space (leave him alone) when he needs it, be fun when you're with him, be supportive IF HE ASKS for it, find something useful to do when he needs to sulk and ponder BY HIMSELF.
Hi again..
Alright, so I tried to have a conversation with my boyfriend seeing if I have done anything wrong. He said "no, why?" and started letting him know how I was feeling because he has been so up and down with me. I told him I was there for him since he has been so stressed with school and work. Also the times when we have had little arguments have added up to last week when I got upset about something. He told that he feels rushed too much to do things and feels it's not fair to me for the time we don't have together right now or him, and sometimes he just doesn't want to deal with anyone. So now we are on a break, so we can both focus on ourselves. The whole time we talked I stayed calm and positive so he wouldn't get mad or upset. But he got mad and upset anyway! He doesn't open up, which is not a surprise, but now he wouldnt talk to me and now we are here. It's crazy cause in a few months we were suppose to get a place for when we transfer. He still gets excited about moving in, he always made sure I had the meetings set and all of that. And now we are on a break. How long do breaks really last for anyway, and what do they really entail? And why would he be all about moving in and stuff, just what is going on in his mind? Next week me and his parents and my mother are going up to the school to look at apartments. That is hard. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Girls generally deal with issues bothering them by talking, talking, talking, and oh my god, more talking. Guys, as your boyfriend said, sometimes just don't want to deal with anyone. We sulk, we ponder, we mumble to ourselves, we take a break from an issue, and then, like magic, we're fine again.
Based on your last submissions, you're a problem solver in search of a problem. If he's not saying the right amount of "i love you", you have an issue worth talking, and talking, and talking about. And the more calmly and positive you stay about it, the more infuriating it becomes to the guy who doesn't want to talk about it. Seriously, I can imagine his blood boiling while you yapped away in all your annoying calmness.
Erin, there are many things that guys and girls deal with differently, and this is one of them. I understand your need to talk about it but I also understand his need not to talk about it. It's not that he doesn't understand there are issues; it's that he deals with them differently than you.
Your boyfriend has a lot on his mind. He has lots of pressures with school. You want to help. You "told him I was there for him". I have news for you: DON'T BE THERE FOR HIM. He doesn't need your help. He just needs you to back off, to stay away, to let him solve his problems, and for you to understand that and stop noticing every little change in his behavior pointing to it as a sign of "an issue". I know you mean well but you sound like his mom. Guys are problem solvers and guys don't have the need to be babied and pampered. You are causing problems that have no need to exist.
Give him space (leave him alone) when he needs it, be fun when you're with him, be supportive IF HE ASKS for it, find something useful to do when he needs to sulk and ponder BY HIMSELF.
She so wants this guy
ranee, 27, from chicago, asks:
I met this guy at a club. He works there as a bouncer. Met him once, then two weekends later, met him again. We kept looking at each other and smiled often. I went up to him, took his number. Text him the next day. He text me back. I text him again, but he didn't respond. Waited for a day and called him. Didn't leave a voice message though. I know, my bad! Called him a day after that. This time I did leave a short message saying- Hey, was just calling to say hi!..He hasn't called back. I so want this guy. I am thinking of maybe waiting for a coupla weeks or even a month before I call him again. I really really liked him the first time I saw him. I know...there's no guarantee and what not...but I think I will hang in there and make another attempt! What do you think??? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Ah yes, "love" at first sight... how romantic. :-)
I admire your persistence. The odds seem stocked against you, but what have you got to lose?
I have to cut this answer short because I'm now encouraged by you and I think I'll go chase Naomi Watts.
I met this guy at a club. He works there as a bouncer. Met him once, then two weekends later, met him again. We kept looking at each other and smiled often. I went up to him, took his number. Text him the next day. He text me back. I text him again, but he didn't respond. Waited for a day and called him. Didn't leave a voice message though. I know, my bad! Called him a day after that. This time I did leave a short message saying- Hey, was just calling to say hi!..He hasn't called back. I so want this guy. I am thinking of maybe waiting for a coupla weeks or even a month before I call him again. I really really liked him the first time I saw him. I know...there's no guarantee and what not...but I think I will hang in there and make another attempt! What do you think??? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Ah yes, "love" at first sight... how romantic. :-)
I admire your persistence. The odds seem stocked against you, but what have you got to lose?
I have to cut this answer short because I'm now encouraged by you and I think I'll go chase Naomi Watts.
