Hanna, 16, from u.s.a., asks:

My guy is so romantic but sometimes when I talk to him about personal things he freezes up. How am I supposed to handle a guy that's so shy?

VictorM's advice:

That's not being shy; that's being a guy. Not all guys are like that, but the majority is. It's just one of those things that makes most guys quite different from girls.

Stay away from topics that are too personal and focus on topics that you know he likes and knows a lot about. Trust takes time to build and that needs to happen first before he gets more personal with you. Listen attentively and seriously to the things that are important to him and you may yet get him to talk about things that are important to you. But that's not going to happen right away.

Jes, 17, asks:

I've been "together" with a guy for over a month. We had sex for the first time 2 days ago. I brought up a conversation on having a relationship with him when we were cuddling, and this is what he exactly said: "I knew this would come up. I do want a relationship with you. Maybe we should wait a week or something." I said okay, and 2 minutes later he asked if I was mad, and I said no.

To be honest I have no idea what he meant. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

His suggestion is a good idea. You should never make a commitments like that right after having sex. People's ability to think long term under those circumstances isn't very good and they wind up making promises they regret. Waiting a while allows you two to decide if you still want a relationship when your brains are actually functioning.

K, 18, from USA, asks:

My guy friend has liked me for a long time, but when he told me, I didn't fully reciprocate. I think I've developed more-than-friends feelings, but I think it might be too late, because now he says he likes another girl.

He's still showing me signs of interest and he is giving me strong mixed signals. The way he treats me and acts towards me cannot be a way you would treat someone you saw as strictly platonic.

He told me he left it at that when I didn't reciprocate his interest back then. But, that doesn't mean you just stop liking someone. The first time didn't stop him from telling me the second time. Why is he still acting so interested and even physically affectionate now (he's shy, so flirting takes effort) if he likes another girl and sees me a just a friend? He knows I'm bothered by the other girl. I am trying to reciprocate my interest back. Should I flat out tell him my feelings or what? I am so confused by his behavior and all of this.

Thank you so much, Victor

VictorM's advice:

Yes, you should tell him flat out that you like him.

Because you didn't reciprocate before he's now acting all defensive. Maybe you're trying to give him hints but that's not good enough. He's not going to take another shot at being rejected. You have to come out and say you like him straight out.

Forget the other girl; he's just saying that to get your attention.

not telling, 16, from not telling, asks:

I am dating a really shy guy. I want to let him know that it's okay to hug me or hold my hand without freaking him out. How do I do that?

VictorM's advice:

Hold his hand or hug him. He'll respond without freaking out. Once he knows it's OK with you, he'll be fine with it.

Lilly, 14, asks:

I'm kinda confuse here. I like a guy who is 2 years older than me, but I heard that he has a girlfriend which I don't know for sure. In school, when we're changing classes I would look at him and he sometimes says hi or smiles and I smile at him all the time. He talked to me once or twice and the last time he talked to me for a short time after he waved at me when he was looking my way so I waved back and I walked with my friend to the school gate and he came to us with his two other friends and he asked me where I live and then I had to go. But the thing is my friends tell me he's just being nice to me and like he does the same thing with other girls, he even poked my friend on the waist and I heard a rumour that he kissed a girl. Sometimes when my friend calls me in the corridor he would at my friend or when they mention my name infront of him he would look at them. I'm not sure if this means anything but I really like him. Usually when he's with his friends he's like loud and when they see me him and his friends would look at me and when they came to talk to me he was like quiet but loud at the same time.

I don't know what this means but my friend told me he's like a player and said I shouldn't go out with him because he has a girlfriend who is not from our school. I don't know what to do.

What does this mean? What should I do? Does he like me? Could there be any chance that he likes me? I want him to want me and I want him to ask me out. I'm pretty sure he knows that I like him because every time I see him and he looks at me I would smile at him which my friend said it's pretty obvious. Please tell me what to do. I really need your help.

And also, there's a guy who likes me but he's younger than me like by a year or two (I'm not sure). The thing is, I don't like him as much as I like the other guy but then my friends told me to go out with this guy because he's hotter but whatever.

Seriously, I'm confuse here. I really don't know what to do. What should I do? I just want the guy I want, not the guy who likes me and I don't like him. I want the guy I like and how do I make him like me if he doesn't like me?

Thanks Vic!

VictorM's advice:

Lilly, don't listen to your friends; they have the wisdom of a rock star at a Holiday Inn.

Sounds like this boy likes you, but you may not be the only one he likes. See, once boys discover girls they have a hard time settling on one. Sorta like eating M&Ms -- can't have just one. For many guys, that phase passes and they settle on one; for many guys, the M&M analogy lasts a lifetime. Part of your job is figure out which guy is in what group.

So for now, keep doing what you're doing. Smile and be friendly. That's your best bet that he'll like you. And when you say hi to him, make sure you use his name.

Forget the younger boy. My lord, he could be only 12 years old; his pecker is still like a Gummi Worm. Stay focused on the guy you want.

Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach, asks:

OK, I took your advice and I still am being PATIENT. But am I being played? This guy seems like a great friend when we're alone but there's this other girl that's practically in love with him but he's not interested and for some reason she doesn't like me. I hung out with them once and she was bored the whole time while me and this guy hung out as if it was just the two of us. And since then, when they hang out she just wants to be alone with him. Now usually we walk together after school or if not he tells me in advance that he won't be there but today I was walking right by him and when I stopped he made a funny face and so I just walked by myself then when we got to a stoplight all of a sudden I felt something behind me and I turned around it was him smiling. Whereas the girl was on the opposite side of me and as he skated in front of us he made an "oh well" face towards the girl. Then right after mouthed the words "walk faster" to her. And so they did leaving me behind, not saying a word to me.

Now did he do this because of the girl or was he seriously trying to get away from me? I assume it was because of HER but why is he allowing that in the first place?

VictorM's advice:

You're not being played because he's getting nothing from you. He's just a teen boy who knows more than one girl is interested in him and he's going to milk it for all it's worth. There's nothing deceitful about that; it's just that the situation is feeding his ego and he likes it.

I think you may be reading too much into his facial expressions. But who knows, maybe he's getting closer to her. At some point he's bound to choose one over the other. But there's not much else you can do other than being friendly and making him feel good around you. And being patient. His mind might change several times. Next week he may be ignoring her.

But maybe you should start paying more attention to other boys -- I'm sure there are some interested in you. No point in putting all your eggs in this one basket. Maybe he feels too secure about you liking him and needs a little jolt of doubt to make him more interested in you. ;)

LILA, 30, from EUROPE, asks:

PLEASE HELP!!! I hanged out with a guy for five months. All we did was go out, eat, go to the movies, and talk about our divorced parents and our psychological and other problems in general. Never had sex or any other physical kind of relationship but there was some kind of romantic air between us. One day he met a girl and she proposed to him to have sex the first night he met her and so he disappeared without any call or message. I called him and asked him out but he refused and gave as an excuse that he is too busy. A month later I learned from his mother that they separated and that their relationship was purely sexual and that he has feelings for me. The thing is I am hooked on him. I love him and I want him back not just as a friend but as a lover as well and he knows that. I understand that since we had no sex he looked for it someplace else but he never asked me whether I wanted to have an erotic rather than a friendly relationship. I cannot understand men. Why did he not just ask for it? We have a strong emotional bond but I'm afraid he is not attracted to me physically because I am fat. I am afraid to start a relationship all over again because I feel he is going to dissappear again and do the same with the next girl available to have sex with. Any opinions on what should I do?

VictorM's advice:

I can understand why he could have sex with another girl but not with you for reasons that have nothing to do with him not finding you attractive. Guys tend to separate girls into the type they would like to get serious about and girls they simply would love to fuck. Having sex with the first kind of girls complicates everything because it can't be just sex; it would be an emotional investment, one he may not be willing or ready to make yet. The second kind of girl is much easier to have sex with, simply because he knows he can walk away without guilt.

Maybe you are imagining that "there was some kind of romantic air between us" (it sounds too romance novel stuff to me), and maybe his mom is telling you what she thinks you want to hear or what she would like to happen (assuming she likes you). Maybe, just maybe, this guy likes purely as a friend. Maybe it is so because of your weight (that's something only he really knows) or simply because we humans are destined to only fall in love with a few people in our life time among the billions on the planet, and to him you're not one of those few.

Bottom line is he's entitled to like you as friend, not as a lover, no matter how much you'd like it to be different. And if that's how he thinks about you, sex will not be part of the equation.

Tina, 39, from Atlanta, asks:

My boyfriend has a hard time expressing himself, he tends to pick fights in order to get his point across, or if he comes over to my house, he will not say, could you have dinner prepare. He will try to give me hints, instead of just saying I am hungry. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

He deals with you the only way he knows how: by talking to you like he did with his little pals in the playground. Emotionally he's a little boy trapped in a man's body.

You know his temperament. It takes two to fight. Refuse to be drawn into fights. When he gets argumentative tell him you're no longer going to argue with him and leave immediately when he picks a fight. Stay calm and just leave! Walk away! Refuse to engage in a fight. Don't give him the attention he craves. He only does it now because it works for him: the discussion is held on his terms; he can out shout you, I bet; it detracts from any wrong doing on his part; he probably gets you to give up eventually; but above all, it puts him control. And control is what his behavior is all about. Deny him all of that. Either you have a calm conversation or you're walking out.

Will it work? Probably not. The odds that you have the discipline to carry this out are also slim; much slimmer are the odds that he can change. But if you don't try, you can submit yourself to his anger and temper and bottle up your opinions. If you do, you will be a miserable woman, one of those terribly cranky middle-age women who dream of setting their partner's testicles on fire or cutting their peckers in half.

And why is it your responsibility to feed the guy? Let him starve if he doesn't speak his mind!

He's acting like a child and you're enabling the behavior. You have to risk losing him if you want him to lose these childish tendencies.

Sarah, 22, from Oregon, asks:

My boyfreind/baby's daddy, moved out to OR, with me and our two month old son. After about a year and a half of ups and downs and rocky times, we stayed together but he decided to live with a freind and I moved with my parents. Now I am moving to Colorado, for a better job opportunity and he decided to go back to our home state AZ. He said it was because he missed his family and he wanted to save money and then decide where we would live, and he also threw in a marriage proposal complete with ring and in front of his entire family. Now he's gone. He calls once every couple weeks, keeps it brief, and hardly asks about our son..WTF??

VictorM's advice:

You can't rule out that his feelings for you have changed, but absent more concrete examples, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.

Guys generally hate the phone and aren't as clingy with repetitive phrases as girls like them to be (I miss you... I miss you so much... I really miss you... Oh I miss you so... four, five times an hour... come on, it's just annoying), and he knows that if there's anything about his son he needs to know you'll tell him.

I know, it sounds a bit cold and distant, but his behavior is very consistent with the male view of the world. I'm not saying you should be happy about it, just realize that guys don't have the same needs as females, specially moms, do. Just because he doesn't call as often as you'd like or asks the questions you think he should, doesn't mean he doesn't care.

marie, 17, from brockton, ma, asks:

If you finally find a guy that you want to be with and you are ready to get in a relationship, and he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship. What should you do?

VictorM's advice:

You respect his wishes and treat him nicely.

He could change his mind.

Ali, 21, from England, asks:

Hey, I'd really like some advice. I want my ex back. We had been together for a year and a half then two months ago I broke up with him because I was confused about whether I still wanted to be with him. Anyway, after a few weeks I realised I had made a mistake, I really missed him and being apart from him made me realise how much I loved him and wanted to be with him still. I told him this and he said he didn't want us to go out anymore. I've seen him a few times since and every time I see him we end up being together again and acting as a couple and it is always him who makes the first move. I asked him if we could try again but he said no he didn't want to be in a relationship, he wanted to be able to do what he wants when he wants. Since then I've not seen him and have just spoken to him briefly through text messages. Thing is I don't want to give up on us, he hasn't been with anyone else since we broke up and it doesn't seem like that's why he wants to be single. If you were a guy in his position what could the girl do to completely blow you away again and make you want to be with her? I am open to any suggestions you might have, and what should I definately not do? I really love this guy and throughout our relationship he was always so in love with me and I know he still has feelings for me from how he acts when he is with me, he says he's just not sure about a lot of things at the moment. Please help me. A few steps on how to make him want me back would be great oh and our paths never cross unless we arrange to meet, thanks.

VictorM's advice:

I totally understand his reluctance to get back together with you. Guys are less forgiving about stuff like this. To satisfy his bruised ego he's going to want to "punish" you for dumping him. He's now in a position of power over you and could abuse it, particularly if he gets to enjoy you as a girlfriend while he's with you and not have to act as your boyfriend when he's away from you.

Since you are the one that dumped him, you might want to show him that you really want him back, but don't go overboard. You should consider expressing your interest in him but WITHOUT giving him the perks that only a boyfriend gets. Think about it: why should he rush back to you if he's getting all he wants from you now?

Lorraine, 19, from San Fransico, asks:

I like this guy named Alex in P.E. class. A couple of my friends went to go talk to him today Tuesday. He said he already has a girlfriend. Should I forget about him and move on? He knows me, which is good. But, it would be hard to forget him because he is adorable. I asked my other friend before all this to talk to him. He said he talked to him and Alex liked me. Come to find out my friend who asked him if he liked me lied. It hurts so much and people don't get it. Please Help. Really confused!
Thank-you
Lorraine

VictorM's advice:

Well, as they say, live and learn. Next time, don't rely on friends for this sorta thing.

Your friend meant well but screwed-up. The truth, however, is that your friend didn't alter the main fact you need to focus on: the guy has a girlfriend, he's not going to like anyone else, not just you. So don't take it personally.

Who knows what he would think if he ever breaks up with her. So, get to know him, be friendly because you never know, you could get your chance with him still. But until then, and just in case it never happens, see other guys.

Lauren, 13, from Virginia, asks:

What do I do when a guy asks me out and I say yes but then he breaks up with me a few hours later?

VictorM's advice:

Buy a voodoo doll and stick needles in its crotch and curse him with hellish pain.

Then move on to the next boy; this one is an idiot.

Bekkah, from Texas, asks:

I know you say a million times that once a guy knows you like him, he'll stop trying because you are no longer a challenge. I agree with you. However, is there a way that once you are with a guy, to continue to be a challenge? What are some ways to keep a guy's attention and keep him guessing? I'm not a big fan of flirting with other guys just to make mine jealous, I just figure there has to be another way to maintain a little bit of GOOD tension in the relationship. (Sex stuff is not what I'm asking about, I'm already a pro at keeping a guys attention in that area haha).

VictorM's advice:

Whatever you do, no flirting with other guys, no tests, and no mind games.

Start with looking to catch your guy doing something right rather than something wrong. That is, praise him and rewarding him when he does something that you consider took extra effort on his part and stop reprimanding him when he doesn't do it.

For example, if you want to go to a nightclub and he doesn't, say: "No problem, I'll go with the girls". No tricks, no teasing guys, but you certainly can invite your girl friends, dress nice, and go. When you come back tell him: "I had a nice time but it would have been more fun with you... maybe next time?" Even if he never catches on, at least you can have fun with friends.

Of course, there is a limit. At some point, if he doesn't respond, you have to ask yourself if this guy is right for you. Don't make the mistake of being with a guy that takes too much energy to mold to what you'd like.

lola, 45, from galveston, asks:

It's been a year now and I get the looks, a few phone calls, praise, a few dinners/lunches, and even breakfast but this shy guy falls short of touching me or kissing me and I'm so hungry for him. Yeah, sure he has kids and so do I but I just feel he is like a yo yo... one minute he is into me, the next he isn't too sure what he wants... now if something good comes along in the meantime I'm there, but nothing beats this guy as far as I'm concerned... he is a wonderful friend but I'm ripe and ready for more. What do you reackon I do to attract him hard and solid to me?

VictorM's advice:

After a year of no kissing and no touching, you need to accept that he just isn't into you romantically. All he wants from you is friendship. Stop wasting your time hoping for more.

lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:

Why is it that guys are such assholes? I mean, us girls are easy to work out, give us gifts, compliments and be nice to us in a relationship. But men, either want a girl but cheat on her or want to screw everything they see? I just don't get yous at all! In fact we love to hate yous!

VictorM's advice:

You think that hating guys is going to attract the good ones to you? No wonder you run into assholes; you're getting what you deserve.

And you're not so easy... there's the gifts, the poems, the letters, the emails, the text messages, the phone calls, all the birthdays and anniversaries, the random days when we should surprise you, the romantic weekends, the flowers, the candy, the books, the special music playing on that day 10 years ago when we first kissed, the touching in public, etc. etc. but not just that, these things need to happen on certain days, at certain times, for certain durations and need to say just what you expect to ear, otherwise, we just don't do the right little things that keep you oh so happy, like in a heroine in a romance novel.

Make no mistake about it, guys are much easier, much simpler, more test-free, and a lot less demanding.

Claire, 24, from United Kingdom, asks:

Hi there. Okay here goes!

I have been in a 'buddy' thing with my ex from three years ago for about 6 months now and I have to say we are more and more explosive in the bedroom the more we get together. He knows I want more from him and I know he's said he's not rushing another relationship ever again because of bad ones in the past and that he's not ready for another one at the moment but that 'you never know', it would just be if and when he's ready so to keep it fun. He never tells me how he feels but he has started to do things like pick me up in the air to kiss me, grinding like a cheshire cat before I leave his house and stroking my back when we are watching TV and making me text him to make sure I get home (I live 5-minutes walk and drove to his house so I don't get why he wants that!). He also held my coat for me to put it on the other night at his house (the only place I see him), I was that shocked I didn't realise what he was doing until he said (whoops). He is keeping what we are doing a secret from everyone so that I don't get called names but said he's not ashamed of me he just doesn't want people knowing his business (he's one of the "I don't let my feelings out people" and he got stick when we were together because people think I'm too good for him). He knows I accept him how he is. Oh, we broke up previously because he wasn't ready (he was only 21/22 nearly and I was just 21) really I don't think we should care anymore but there's always been something there even though I didn't sleep with him the first time around (dunno why!) anyway.... story over....

Do you think I should just let him have time to figure out what he wants, not rush him into anything and just go with the flow and fun at the moment and let him decide when he's ready for us to be together properly if thats what he wants?

Or am I just wasting my time?

VictorM's advice:

Let's be clear: you're his fuck buddy. Nothing more, nothing less. As long as you accept that, and that's all you expect, it's your call if it's a waste of time or not.

Your friends can see it (they think you're too good for him and even; I'm sure they have good reasons for saying that ), and it's amazing to me that you're so overwhelmed by a guy helping you with your coat, meaning you have very low standards. Amazing also that you accept his reasons for keeping your sex meetings a secret, meaning you're a very naive young lady.

Nothing will come off this arrangement but sex. Period! End of story!

Mariana, 22, from Argentina, asks:

hi =) first of all, thanks for the advice. I said I was going to talk to him and I was about to, but somehow he jumped ahead. I was going to tell him I couldn't stay in a relationship where I didn't special and blah blah blah. Imagine my surprise when I met him: HE wanted ME to break up with him! How come? To sum up a long conversation, he basically said he wasn't good enough for me. He said he wasn't saying this because he didn't care for me, but because of that he knew he wasn't good for me.

Sounds like the "it's not you, it's me" classic. I would have thought so too if it hadn't been for the fact that at the end of the day, after we both said what he had to, he asked me for a 2nd chance to show me that he really has strong feelings for me. Apparently his family and friends think I'm a good and serious girl who's focused and responsible and they don't see him that way. And yes… he’s stupid and lazy enough to believe that.

I gave him the 2nd chance and now he's really trying. I'm not assuming he’s an insecure guy. I know it from all the stuff he told me the other day. I’m insecure too, with very low self-esteem and I never fell in love with anyone because I keep holding myself back . He’s also holding back (he told me about some red roses he bought for me one time and never dared to give them to me, for example) and the point to this whole chapter is to ask how do I deal with someone who’s insecure? Because I’m too proud sometimes but on the other hand I don’t find pride as a bad thing in general. I just don’t know where the line is. Help?

VictorM's advice:

His family thinks you're a nice girl? Do they know you're a Vélez Sársfield supporter? (Kidding!!)

Well Mariana, from comments you've made in this blog and in the ARGville forum, I can understand why he's insecure around you. I know you say you have self=esteem issues, but that doesn't come across in your statements. You do seem very intelligent and thoughtful. I can understand why it's a bit difficult for him to believe he's good enough.

But as you described your conversation with him, I can understand his thought process. When pondering the situation alone he feels overwhelmed by you and the easiest (remember, he's lazy) way out is to break-up with you. But, I suspect your guy is quite bright too, so when he's actually talking to you, he realizes that losing you would be dumb. So he asked for a second chance and is trying harder.

You can help him build his confidence around with you sincere and short compliments. Find topics he's very good at (math, science, sports, etc.) and bring those topics up from time to time giving him the chance to prove how much he knows. Then compliment him... "how do you know all that?" "You're so amazing", "That is so smart", "I'm so impressed"... that sort of thing. And yes, the word "so" (or the equivalent in Spanish) is very important. Also, if there are things he feels inferior or inadequate about, try to boost his confidence in those areas, but make sure you're sincere about it.

Feeling that he's impressing you will probably be the biggest boost to his confidence.

PS. Congratulations on Argentina moving to the number one spot in the world according to FIFA's rankings.

Janelle, 15, from california, asks:

Do guys that are players ever change? I've liked this guy for awhile but I keep holding myself back because he is a player. I always have these fantasies that he will change but I'm not sure. Also, why do guys become players? Wouldn't they rather have one girl to themselves?

VictorM's advice:

Most guys, specially around your age, are not ready to settle with one girl. It's like you going to a shoe store and trying only one pair of shoes. Not likely, is it? There are a lot of other reasons why a guy may like lots of girls, mostly having to do with sexual attraction, because as he's looking for experience, variety is a plus. You learn a lot more being with many girls than you do with just one. Remember, at this time guys aren't looking for the girl they'll marry; they're just looking to excite the toy they found between their legs.

Guys generally "play" (meaning, go from girl to girl) until such time as they find one that truly stands out. Until they find her, what else are they suppose to do? Sit at home and knit? No! They go out and date girls looking for Ms. Right.

Most guys change once they find a girl worth changing for. Some guys never do. Your job is to weed out the ones that never do and hope the guy that you settle on is willing to also settle. Getting that perfect match is not easy, more so when you're only 15-years old.

jane, 20, from florida, asks:

Why can't he just be true to his word?

OK, this guy I have known for about two years now has just recently let me know he likes me a lot. We met one night a long time ago and since we live far apart we always talk online. And he comes to visit every now and then but not too often. I hadn’t really talked to him for awhile but two weeks ago he was up late and so was I and he instant messaged me. He started venting about a lot of stress he was going through and he told me he wished I was there right now with him. I couldn't believe everything he was saying. I have liked this guy so much for like the past 2 years but always thought he never liked me more than a friend and now here he is spilling his heart out to me online. He kept saying things like "where do we go from here?" and I know I haven't been the nicest guy but I want to change for you and saying he wants to be in a relationship. He said he wants to come and see me. I just sat there and watched everything he kept typing in complete shock. I didn't really know what to say but I was so glad he was finally saying all this because I've wanted him to like me always and he told me that he has liked me this whole time since we first met but he didn't know how to say it. He went on to say that he would do anything to prove to me that he is changed and wants to be better for me and hopes that I still like him as much as I used to. He told me he would call me and we would talk and start slow. He said so many things that were just letting me know he cares about me and wants to be in a relationship and he's sorry for the way he's acted by ignoring me but that he's finally able to express what he really feels honestly to me. He said he would call me the next day and we would talk more on the phone. This all happened at like 3 in the morning and the next day he sent me a text saying he was sorry he couldn't call me and he felt horrible because he was really busy that day. So I assumed he would just end up calling me later on the next day..Days turned into weeks and now 2 weeks from that night he poured out his soul to me, he hasn't talked to me since.. I have sent him a couple of texts and he responded saying he was busy. I don't understand what happened. He said so much that he wanted to be in a relationship yet he hasn't communicated with me once since than. Did I do something wrong? Did he change his mind? After all of this why couldn't he just be true to his word? What should I do? I am stressing out constantly wondering what has happened and why he won't speak to me...any advice will help me! I like him so much and this hurts so bad that he is avoiding me.

VictorM's advice:

Ah... those early morning "confessions" after a stressful day (who knows, maybe compounded by alcohol?) and I'm sure it all sounded so reassuring that night... to have a girlfriend who really likes him... the peace... the stability... how wonderful.

Then he slept on it. He rested. Stress (and maybe alcohol) are out of his system...

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY? Oh no!!!! I mean, sure, she's a nice girl and I like her a lot and I know she really likes me... but... but... damn, I better be busy cause I don't know how to tell her I really don't mean now all that I said last night."

That more or less sums things up. He's not busy; he just doesn't know how to tell you he wants a do-over, that he wants to take it all back. At least for now.

You asked: "Why can't he just be true to his word?" Oh come on! He didn't make any calculated and premeditated promise; he just talked without thinking.

Your best bet is to email him or leave him a voice message and laugh about that night. Tell him that you know he didn't mean all of that he said and you hope he calls you back cause you have fun with him.

Of course, you could sit around waiting for him to stop being "busy". I hope you're willing to wait an eternity.

sally james, 27, from leeds england, asks:

I had been seeing my boyfriend for over 6 years. He always went on about me being too good for him and said that one day I would leave him. Last year we bought a house together. Although I loved him dearly, we had never really got the bedroom action right. It was OK for him but terrible for me. I tried to make it right, but in the end gave up and we didn't have sex for 9 months. I mistakenly thought my drive had gone because I had put on a bit of weight. But really it was because of the above.

As he's a teacher he had the summer all to himself. He hooked up with old friends, single friends and they showed him what he was missing. He then split up with me. Saying that it was a trial separation of 6months, that he would move out in order to get the romance back, but that he couldn't promise he wouldn't see other people.

I was devastated for 2 weeks and tried everything to get him back. During this period he slept with someone else and told me about it, then tried to have sex with me. That's when I got over it and have since been fine. I deserve better. I've always had good self esteem due to good friends and a loving family.

He decided to continue dating even though he still lived in our house and insisted on always letting me know what he had been up to. I thought this was disrespectful but because I was over it I didn't show any emotion. Now I know he doesn't love me anymore, it's a fact. But he can't handle the fact that I'm okay with it too. According to him I should still be in bed crying my eyes out. It causes endless arguments and games on his part. He does everything to try and make me act like I care. Why? He dumped me.

VictorM's advice:

Two reasons:

1. Ego.
2. This guy is a selfish and disrespectful individual.

Sure, he dumped you but that wasn't enough for him; he needs to see you feeling miserable, which is why he tells you all these stories. You're now seeing the man's true soul. Ugly, huh? Good thing you're over him.

PS. Unrelated to your question, seeing the name "Leeds" saddens me because of Leeds United. Such a big name when I was growing up and look where they are now? (I trust you'll know what I mean even if no one else will).

Someone, 24, from Somewhere, asks:

Hi Victor. I was the one who had the question about what do I do when the chase is over and the guy loses interest.

Well, this questions is about guy #2 from my earlier question. To give you some quick cliff notes, we had been in contact, everything was great, he kept telling me that I am growing on him, then all of a sudden he became busy. I had read your responses to other girls so I figured if he's too busy to contact me then maybe he lost interest. Plus it wasn't just the lack of quantity of his responses but also quality, his messages were not as sweet as they used to be. We are pretty straightforward with one another and when I brought up that he is less warm then he used to be, he said something along the lines of he's busy and and that he plans to be in the state that he's in for a few more years (we are both from the same area but his job took him to another state, he doesn't plan on living in that state forever only for 2-3 years which is fine with me because I will be busy with grad school for the next 2-3 years). After he said that, I was hurt, but didn't show it. I started wondering if he lost interest because the chase was over, etc. I was miserable but I tried to force thoughts of him out of my head. Well a week or so passed and last night he texts me with this message: hey cutie, haven't forgotten you by any means. Finally finished moving into my new place. Wanna rub a dub together? :). He also texted me with aww, miss seeing ur smile. I am so confused, help me understand what to make of this because just when I was trying to forget about this guy that I have very strong feelings for, he throws me for a loop with these messages.

PS.: I came to thinking that it is probably necessary to add some external factors about the guy I have questions about whom I'm interested in. One thing about him that bugs me is that he used to be in a long term relationship and him he and his ex are still really great friends. Exes belong in the past and part of me wishes he broke up on bad terms but anyway what could you do. I see them commenting on each other's wall or him posting albums with groups of friends that includes pics of him and his ex. I brought up my concerns in the past and let him know I don't want to be his rebound and he told me, been there, done that with the rebound. The other factor that bugs me about him is that a friend of mine warned me that he's a player and that in the past he used to hit on her as well. She said him and his ex always break up and get back together. I slightly touched on the fact that was was called a player by this one girl and he said she is not really his type and they don't think the same. I really don't know but I do have my suspicions about him being a player or maybe still wanting to get back with his ex after all, they've been together forever.

VictorM's advice:

Exes don't have to break-up and become enemies, but staying very close friends as you describe? Not a good sign. Between that, him being "busy", his frequent break-ups and reconciliations with his ex, and his player reputation, you have quite a few red flags dangling in front of your nose. A sensible reaction would be to walk away. But matters of the heart aren't always sensible.

If you act on those red flags and rule him out will you wonder if you did the right thing? Unless you're 100% convinced now that he's not the guy for you, give him another chance and remove any doubt. Even if things go wrong again, the heartache that will follow for a while will be easier to endure than a lifetime of wondering "what if". Chances are that in the long run you will not regret giving him another chance, but you might regret not having tried again.

Either way you go, your eyes are open now. Proceed with caution.

Karina, 18, from NJ, asks:

Helppp! I have been hooking up with a guy from my school for about a month now. He is American, and I am Russian. I am NOT nationality crazy, I've just never dated an American before. My problem is we are completely different. He likes house parties and school stuff. I like going out to lounges and places in the city. My whole world doesn't revolve around the people in school. His does. We are fine, except for the fact that we both feel we live in different worlds. He doesn't like doing things I do, and I don't like doing things he does. The chemistry is amazing though. We also think differently. He thinks it's okay to still chill with his ex girlfriend from 2 years ago while I'm sitting at home doing nothing, and I feel it's inappropriate. I tell him at least one ex will have feelings for the other, but he tells me that's not the case. He even told me they were hooking up before me and him were. I'm not jealous, I'm not sad. I just think it's not right. He said he didn't go hang out with her, but I don't care. He made it seem like he was doing me a favor. I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I feel he should be dying to be with me.. all his friends are. He also thinks I'm supposed to sit at home and cry about it, and I don't. I go out, I have fun, and I have a life with or without him. He thought it was weird that he didnt go with his ex and I went out anyway. He figured I would sit home and be sad. How can I get him to see my point of view more clearly?

VictorM's advice:

You made an accusation about the reason why him and his ex see each other. By doing so, you invited him to be defensive about it instead of encouraging a healthy discussion.

If you think it's inappropriate that he sees her, you should specify your reasons, not assume that you know what each of them is thinking and feeling, when in fact, you do not. Tell him about how him seeing her makes you feel. If not jealous, than what? If not neglected, then what? But you should talk about how it makes you feel.

He's not facing the truth about why he sees her and you're not facing the truth about why it bothers you.

katherine, 33, from united states, asks:

Why would he talk about another girl all the time then spend all his free time with me and want to be touchy at times?

VictorM's advice:

Because he's not very bright?

Or maybe he hasn't gotten over her but hey, you've got tits and you're there. Those are all the reasons a guy needs.

Danielle, 22, from Louisiana, asks:

Hi Vic! I really need some advice. I had been dating this guy for 3 months and we were boyfriend/girlfriend for only two weeks. I broke up with him two days ago and it's taking a slight toll on me. I suspect that he only got with me to have sex with me because I told him when we first met that I don't have sex with a guy unless we are in a relationship because I enjoy meaningful sex and I also told him that I don't jump into relationships, hence the three months of dating before an actual relationship. Anyway, I also suspect that he was embarrassed to be seen with me and it took me awhile to catch onto it. Like I said we were dating for almost four months and I never met any of his friends (he claimed he didn't have any when I first met him) and his mom (whom I also never met) came down for his birthday and he wanted to have sex with me while his mom was at his house! Also, whenever we went out we always went where no one would probably know him. He was overly affectionate in private and barely stood next to me in public. We talked everyday of the 3 1/2 of knowing each other so I thought he liked me. He really didn't start to act like this until after we got together. I just feel totally used and cheapen by him because I feel like he only wanted sex (which we only had twice), but I'm not sure why he stuck around for three months to get it. Let me add that I'm very satisfied with the way I look, but my self-esteem has been bruised a little because I wanted to be desirable to the man I was with. I have never been in a situation like this before so I don't know how to help myself feel better about it. Please help me to sort this out.

VictorM's advice:

You say you think he only wanted you for sex, and then you say you want to be desirable to the man... wouldn't he wanting to have sex with you -- and was so patient to get it -- mean he found you very desirable? I think so.

Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach, asks:

Hey Vic, it's me again, and to answer your last question yes, w/e does mean whatever. lol

And my question does come with a story but don't worry it's a small one. So my friend played detective for me and basically my guy said he didn't like me like that but when the question came of would he give me chance, he said quote "yea, probably". Now my friend says he was probably scared to tell her the truth being that he thought she might tell me. Now what did that mean? He said I was pretty and I was a cool friend but I'm not sure if that's saying much. What do you get from this and what should be my next move?

And once again thanks for your advice:)

VictorM's advice:

My advice is still the same as last time:

Sounds like he likes you but that doesn't mean he's ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, so he'll be friendly, stay close, and who knows, maybe he'll make a move when he's ready. Boys do take their time making a move so you have to be patient. Everything else is just you over analyzing what is very normal behavior for a boy.

Which part of "you have to be patient" didn't you understand? :)

He's trying to keep you and your friends at bay without pushing you too far. To me, it means you stand a good chance with him when he's ready for it. Meanwhile, continue to be friends with him and... BE PATIENT!

Lucy, 18, from Brisbane, Australia, asks:

Hi Victor! It's Lucy again. Thanks for your answer.

Lyndsay, 31, from New Mexico, asks:

Back in January I started talking daily to a man I met through friends 4 years ago on a sales trip to Manhattan. We'd kept in touch over the years, but we suddenly started talking a lot; he'd call 2-3 times a day just to say hello. We connected beyond belief, and he flew out to visit me in New Mexico in May. After a great trip, he continued to call and pursue me after he left. Here's the problem: I am now 31, and he's 41. He's working a lot these days at his new firm. But I am frustrated over broken promises (from him) to see one another again. All the while he still called 3-4 times a day. He says he can't date someone long-distance, but I said if things progressed over the next several months, I would consider moving to be closer to him.

However, I haven't seen him in 5 months, and I finally told him if he couldn't tell me when we'd see each other again, I couldn't keep taking his frequent calls, etc. I know he's not dating anyone else, just working a lot. I said to keep in touch, etc, but that I needed to move on. He hasn't called in weeks, and I am wondering what I did wrong. Neither of us have had any major, long-term relationships, yet we've become extremely close. Is he scared to commit? If so, why did he keep in touch all this time?

VictorM's advice:

Hint to you ladies: when a guy all of sudden starts getting too busy to see you it means he's lost interest.

So Lyndsay, he lost interest. But, you wonder, if you had such a wonderful time how can that be? That's exactly what he's wondering too. He doesn't understand why that is. So he thinks that maybe it's just a phase. So the guy keeps contact just in case the loss of interest is temporary. And he makes excuses (he's too busy) for not seeing you. This is not designed to lie to you, it's designed to buy time without burning bridges with you in case the feelings return. But you forced his hand with the offer to move. Now he needed to tell you that you better move on. The "stay in touch" is just bullshit, something that guys say because they're trying to minimize hurting you.

You did nothing wrong. You were clever to force his hand or else this would go on for years. Now you know, and now you can move on.

Ally, 16, from New York, asks:

My ex boyfriend and I dated for almost 9 months. He recently broke up with me and dated another girl for about 2 weeks. Then he brkoe up with her. He told me he didn't love me anymore but I think he is lying. How do I know if he is lying? And can I get him back?

VictorM's advice:

The guy said he doesn't love you. He went out with another girl. He's done with her but still doesn't want to get back with you. He's not in love with you. You can't get him back. What you can do now is try to find someone else or come across as an obsessed girl who can't handle the truth.

He's moved on. You need to do the same.

Jessica, from Missouri, asks:

I was going out with this guys for 4 months and he always said he loved me, we hung out a lot to. A couple of weeks ago he broke up with me suddenly. He had no reason for the breakup and said he still loved me and he was upset about this breakup. Lately, he has bee talking nicely about me to other people, he stares at me, and when I see him he usually gives me hugs. How can I tell if he still likes me and wants to go back out? And why does he not have a reason for the breakup?

Thanks,
jessica

VictorM's advice:

Just because he broke-up with you doesn't mean he doesn't think highly of you and wishes you the best. He broke-up with you because after a few months he realized you're not the one for him. Why did things change? As he said, he doesn't know. There is no one reason. He has no more of an explanation than you do as to why you don't like thousands of other guys around you. Romantic attraction is not caused by adding all the positives and negatives and coming up with a net positive result; it's mostly a subconscious reflex that we can't quite explain. In most cases, the ending of that romantic attraction is equally as unexplainable.

The odds are very slim that he's interested in you and wants to go back out. You're reading too much into his politeness and genuine like for you. But really, that's all it is.

jessica, 24, from orlando, asks:

Thanks again for answering my question Victor. I truly appreciate it. I guess you could be right. I'm usually good at seeing if a guy might be doing that. Deflecting attention I mean. But seriously, Dan (that's his name) should win an Oscar. But, I'm gonna go and take your advice. I'm usually not really assertive. Should I be? Or should I follow his lead at work and remain aloof. It's hard working so close to someone behind a bar for hours and pretend they aren't there. It's pure torture.

VictorM's advice:

Definitely keep your feelings out of the work environment. While at work, work. Not only do you jeopardize your job otherwise, but you also jeopardize his.

Outside of work it's a different story. Make all the moves you want. But try them when you're sober. :-p

Taylor, 21, from New Jersey, asks:

This is about the most complicated and confusing guy I have ever known. I feel the need to explain everything because it's all so confusing and relative.

This guy and I have known each other for about 3 years now. We work together in the summers and I'm a pretty shy person so we never really talked too much the first summer, but I always thought he was cute and nice and felt he was "noticing me." Two summers ago however, we talked more and were definately interested in each other and very flirty. We were both hesitant I guess because we never ended up hanging out until the end of the summer. We hung out for about a week straight until we had to go back to school and it was great. He was so sweet and fun and really made me feel comfortable.

Because he was away at school we continued to talk through text messaging and online but never really continued to hang out. Through talking it seemed to me that he liked me and was still interested. Break came and we talked about hanging out again but he said he was afraid to "lead me on." When I asked him what he meant by that he said that he's always confused and never knows what he wants and doesn't want to lead me on...so we didn't end up hanging out but continued to talk like he was still interested.

I decided not to initiate any conversation to see if it was all me, but he kept it up. We ended up hanging out when he graduated this past spring so I thought he was interested for sure. Then he told me the same thing, but with a little more information. He actually called me (something he never does) and explained that he is "always indecisive and never knows about anything when it comes to girls." That he's been this way since his old girlfriend, bla bla bla. That he wanted to be..."friends." That us hanging out more would make me want more and he didn't know if he would be able to give more. So, even though I truly feel like he has more then friend feelings, I decided to just be his friend because I didn't want to lose him in my life.

We spent the summer being friends (still flirting) and had that little discussion again. Not a week after he tells me the same thing about just being "friends", he invites me over and we hook up and stuff. But it wasn't just all about that, he was very affectionate and we had a good time.

A week later, he goes back to his awkward ways and tells me "it's not a good idea for us to hook up." I was very upset because I obviously really like him and I feel like he is just afraid to try. So, I decided to do something I never thought I would do, and confront him about it. Because I'm so shy I stupidly wrote him an email, because I knew I would've chikcened out telling him in person. I told him how I felt about him, how he makes me feel good about myself (something no guy has ever done) that I don't understand why he holds back and asked him to just give it a chance and try.

I wasn't even expecting him to respond, thought he'd be freaked out, but he wrote back just about as long as a novel as I wrote him. While he said a lot, once again he was completely contradicting. He said that he thinks of me as a friend...but in the next sentence says: "yes, most of the time I am confused and a lot of it has to do with my old girlfriend and I should probably take a chance, but my thoughts and ways of living will not change." Then he explains how he is very scared of getting serious again and it makes him very cautious and think a lot. That he will not settle...but then says that being withou me wouldn't be settling, that he just can't "try things to try them." He continues on about how he was obviously interested but he just doesn't see it working. And that it has nothing to do with me, that it's him. And said: "as cliche as that is you should know how weird and complex I am and undestand that I am being honest it is me, not you." He goes on to say how he doesn't ever tie himself down to a girl because he never feels that "perfect connection" he needs to tie himself down. That he wants me to be happy and he won't make me happy. That it's not about whether I'm worth it, that I'm worthy of a lot, and that he doesn't want to lose me and cares about me. That he just doesn't think he has as strong as feelings as I do and that he's always so unsure. That he can't give me more then his friendhsip.

Now, while I know to anyone who doesn't know us that looks like a: "I just don't like you like that" thing. But even close friends of his and mine have said that's absolute bull. That it's obvious he has feelings for me and that he's just scared. I have come to terms with that. I truly in my heart believe he has feelings for me. I know him too well to think anything else. However, I'm not saying that I think he can change. Im not sure if he can. Obviously he was VERY hurt by his old girlfriend and he has serious relationship fears. I was talking to our mutual guy friend and he said: this guy THINKS of me as a friend, but FEELS for me more then a friend... But doesn't see himself changing so he doesn't want to hurt me. And that he doesn't think he has these feelings for me because he never gives me a chance or himself the chance to feel them. Which I think could be true considering everytime we hang out it's great, and then the next week he pulls away.

He and I still talk like none of this "drama" ever happened. So I'm sorry for this terribly long novel, but I wanted to explain EVERYTHING because it's all so relevant. I suppose my question(s) is: am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me? And secondly, do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so? I know it sounds corny, but I just believe in it so much and know that if he would just give it a shot he'd be very suprised...

VictorM's answer:

*yawn* :)

Am I (and these other people) correct in thinking he has feelings for me?
Forget what other people think. They know jack shit about his feelings. They tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they'd like to happen. The guy has been very clear with you: he likes you but doesn't feel he likes you enough to take the plunge. What is preventing him? He's not a risk taker; he's been hurt before; probably still has feelings for that girl; and who knows what else. Sometimes we love being with someone but yet we don't feel the romantic chemistry we dream about. Why that happens is not clear.

Do you think it's possible for him to change and to eventually give me a chance? Maybe through just being friends he'll find the courage to do so?
Very much so. You have nothing to lose by staying his friend. But stop bringing this topic up. The more long emails you write about feelings, the more questions about it you ask, the more you confirm his reason for staying clear of you because it signals to him you're too serious about it and that's the last thing he wants. But, don't put all your eggs on this basket. Be open to other guys.

I have a feeling that until he comes to terms with his ex you'll always be on the outside looking in. I believe him when he says it's not you, it's him (meaning, the emotional attachment to his ex). But time is really the only healer for something like that. And it's something neither you nor him can control.

Katie, 14, asks:

I have a couple questions (I know, I know, it’s always questions, questions, questions) that kind of have to do with each other, but for the most part are pretty random. OK, here goes:

1. I found out my crush likes me but he also likes some of the prettiest, most popular girls at school (actually, 5 of them). I am far from pretty OR popular, so: What does it mean for him to like them AND me? Would he have an issue with “commitment” in the middle school sense, what with liking all these girls? I just kind of wanna know all about what that means, because I’ve never heard of a guy liking THAT many girls at once.

2. My crush also was recently suspended. It was an in-school (2 hours) “suspension” because he wrote something inappropriate in Computer Design class and then printed it out. How bad is this? Should I still be hanging around with him, and moving towards going out? I’m kind of confused...

3. (this is not about my crush I mentio